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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Boswell of Baghdad
+       With Diversions
+
+Author: E. V.  Lucas
+
+Release Date: December 10, 2006 [EBook #20083]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD
+
+
+
+
+OTHER WORKS BY E. V. LUCAS
+
+The Vermilion Box
+Landmarks
+Listener's Lure
+Mr. Ingleside
+Over Bemerton's
+London Lavender
+Cloud and Silver
+Loiterer's Harvest
+One Day and Another
+Fireside and Sunshine
+Character and Comedy
+Old Lamps for New
+The Hambledon Men
+The Open Road
+The Friendly Town
+Her Infinite Variety
+Good Company
+The Gentlest Art
+The Second Post
+A Little of Everything
+Harvest Home
+Variety Lane
+The Best of Lamb
+The Life of Charles Lamb
+A Swan and Her Friends
+London Revisited
+A Wanderer in Venice
+A Wanderer in Paris
+A Wanderer in London
+A Wanderer in Holland
+A Wanderer in Florence
+The British School
+Highways and Byways in Sussex
+Anne's Terrible Good Nature
+The Slowcoach
+Remember Louvain!
+Swollen-Headed William
+
+and
+
+The Pocket Edition of the Works of Charles
+Lamb: I. Miscellaneous Prose; II. Elia;
+III. Children's Books; IV. Poems and
+Plays; V. and VI. Letters.
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF
+BAGHDAD
+
+WITH DIVERSIONS
+
+BY
+
+E. V. LUCAS
+
+THIRD EDITION
+
+METHUEN & CO. LTD.
+36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
+LONDON
+
+_This Book was First Published    September 20th 1917_
+
+_Second Edition                   December       1917_
+
+_Third Edition                            1918_
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                          PAGE
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD                         1
+
+
+DIVERSIONS--
+
+  NURSES                                    93
+
+  NO. 344260                                99
+
+  THE TWO PERKINSES                        106
+
+  ARTS OF INVASION                         118
+
+  THE MARBLE ARCH AND PETER MAGNUS         128
+
+  THE OLDEST JOKE                          133
+
+  THE PUTTENHAMS                           140
+
+  POETRY MADE EASY                         148
+
+  A PIONEER                                153
+
+  FULL CIRCLE                              158
+
+  A FRIEND OF MAN                          164
+
+  THE LISTENER                             171
+
+  THE DARK SECRET                          176
+
+  THE SCHOLAR AND THE PIRATE               180
+
+  A SET OF THREE                           191
+
+  A LESSON                                 196
+
+
+ON BELLONA'S HEM (SECOND SERIES)--
+
+  A REVEL IN GAMBOGIA                      201
+
+  THE MISFIRE                              207
+
+  A LETTER                                 212
+
+  A MANOR IN THE AIR                       219
+
+  RIVALRY                                  223
+
+  A FIRST COMMUNION IN THE WAR ZONE        229
+
+  THE ACE OF DIAMONDS                      234
+
+  THE REWARD OF OUR BROTHER THE POILU      239
+
+  NOTE                                     245
+
+
+
+
+=A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD=
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD
+
+I.--INTRODUCTORY
+
+
+A curious and very entertaining work lies before me, or, to be more
+accurate, ramparts me, for it is in four ponderous volumes, capable,
+each, even in less powerful hands than those of the Great Lexicographer,
+of felling a bookseller. At these volumes I have been sipping, beelike,
+at odd times for some years, and I now propose to yield some of the
+honey--the season having become timely, since the great majority of the
+heroes of its thousands of pages hail from Baghdad; and Baghdad, after
+all its wonderful and intact Oriental past, is to-day under Britain's
+thumb.
+
+The title of the book is _Ibn Khallikan's Biographical Dictionary_,
+translated from the Arabic by Bn Mac Guckin de Slane, and printed in
+Paris for the Oriental Translation Fund of Great Britain and Ireland,
+1842-71, some centuries after it was written, for its author was dead
+before Edward II ascended the English throne. Who would expect Sir
+Sidney Lee to have had so remote an exemplar?
+
+Remote not only in time but in distance. For although we may go to the
+East for religions and systems of philosophy that were old and proved
+worthy centuries before Hellenism or Christianity, yet we do not usually
+find there models for our works of reference. Hardly does Rome give us
+those. But there is an orderliness and thoroughness about Ibn
+Khallikan's methods which the _Dictionary of National Biography_ does
+not exceed. The Persian may be more lenient to floridity ("No flowers,
+by request," was, it will be remembered, the first English editor's
+motto), but in his desire to leave out no one who ought to be in and to
+do justice to his inclusions he is beyond praise.
+
+The modernity of the ancients is continually surprising us. It is one of
+the phenomena to which we are never quite inured (and could we be so we
+should perhaps merely substitute the antiquity of the moderns as a new
+source of wonder), but towards such inuring Ibn Khallikan should
+certainly help, since he was eminently a gossip, and in order to get
+human nature's fidelity to the type--no matter where found, whether æons
+ago or to-day, whether in savage lands or, as we say, civilized--brought
+home to us, it is to the gossips that we must resort: to the Pepyses and
+Boswells rather than to the Goethes and Platos; to the little recorders
+rather than the great thinkers. The small traits tell.
+
+Ibn Khallikan's Dictionary is as interesting as it is, not because its
+author had any remarkable instinct as a biographer, or any gift of
+selection, but because if a man sets out to take account of everything,
+much human nature and a little excellence are bound to creep in.
+
+I do not pretend to have dug in these volumes with any great
+seriousness. My object has been to extract what was odd and simple and
+most characteristic, in short, what was most human, and there is enough
+residuum for a horde of other miners. But I warn them that the dross is
+considerable. Ibn Khallikan's leniency to trivialities is incorrigible,
+and his pages are filled with pointless anecdotes, dull sayings, and
+poetry whose only recommendation is its richness in the laboured
+conceits that he loved. So much did he esteem them that were, say, all
+English intellectual effort in every direction at his disposal to
+descant upon, his favourite genius would probably be John Lyly.
+
+But although most of the poetry admired and quoted by Ibn Khallikan is
+marked by affectation, now and then--but very rarely--it is beautifully
+simple. Thus, in one of the poems of Ibn Zuhr, a learned Moslim teacher
+and physician of Spain (1113-99), is expressed, with a tenderness and
+charm that no modern or no Greek of the Anthology could exceed, the
+ardent desire which he felt for the sight of his child, from whom he
+happened to be separated: _I have a little one, a tender nestling, with
+whom I have left my heart. I dwell far from him; how desolate I feel in
+the absence of that little person and that little face. He longs for me,
+and I long for him; for me he weeps, and I weep for him. Our
+affectionate wishes are weary with passing from him to me, from me to
+him._
+
+
+II.--IBN KHALLIKAN
+
+Let me say something as to who Ibn Khallikan was. His father, Muhammad
+Ibn Ibrahim, was professor in the college at Arbela founded by Kukuburi,
+or the Blue Wolf, the governor of that city and the region of which it
+was the capital, the brother-in-law of Salah Ad-Din, the sultan, whom we
+in England know as Saladin, the enemy of the Cross, and the son of Ali
+Ibn Bektikin, known as "Little Ali, the Ornament of Religion." Kukuburi,
+who, although standing for the Crescent and all that was most abhorrent
+to our Crusaders, was famous as a founder of asylums, schools, hospitals
+for the blind, homes for widows, orphanages, and so forth, made special
+favourites of the family of which Ibn Khallikan was a scion. Ibn himself
+was born on September 22, 1211, and before he was two had begun
+instruction by his father and was the recipient of a certificate from
+Zainab, a very learned lady, stating that he was an industrious pupil.
+
+In 1229, after having already read and studied much, particularly
+theology and law, Ibn Khallikan left Arbela with his brother and
+entered the college at Aleppo, then an educational centre, remaining
+until 1234. After this he moved from one place to another, always
+seeking more knowledge, until 1247-8, when he is found at Cairo
+occupying a seat in the imperial tribunal and acting as deputy for the
+kadi Sinjar, chief judge and magistrate of all Egypt. Later he himself
+became the kadi of Al-Mahalla, and by 1256, when he was forty-five, he
+had married, become a father, and had completed the first copy of his
+_Biographical Dictionary_, which was, of course, as we must always
+remember in connexion with the books mentioned in these Lives, a
+manuscript.
+
+In 1261 he was appointed chief kadi over all the provinces of Syria,
+with his tribunal at Damascus, in which post he remained for ten years.
+He was not, however, sole kadi for long, as three others were appointed
+to assist him: a development that was meat and drink to the local
+satirists, one of whom wrote: _The men of Damascus are bewildered with
+the multitude of legal decisions. Their kadis are all suns, and yet they
+are in the dark._ Another said: _The people of Damascus have witnessed
+a perfect miracle: the greater the number of suns the more the world is
+in the dark._ Being found wanting, and replaced, Ibn Khallikan took a
+professorship in Cairo, learned by heart further enormous quantities of
+poetry, and engaged in literary discussions which, judging by a specimen
+given in one of his Lives, were even more futile than discussions
+usually are.
+
+The vicissitudes of fortune, always noticeably extreme in the East,
+brought him again to be kadi at Damascus in 1278, when his reappointment
+was signalized by public ceremonies, including the composition by
+numberless poets of congratulatory and adulatory verses, which must have
+been very dear to his simple old heart, and not the less so because he
+may have discovered from his astonishing repertory that not all were
+strictly original: such discoveries and the tracing back of the loans to
+their fount being the greatest of his pleasures.
+
+Thereafter, until the year 1281, the Kadi lived with much honour, famed
+as the most learned and widely-read personage in Damascus, filling his
+house with scholars and discursive amateurs of verse, and engaging in
+conversations that are described by a friend as "most instructive,
+being entirely devoted to learned investigations and the elucidation of
+obscure points."
+
+But Ibn Khallikan, who was now nearing three-score years and ten, was
+destined still to misfortune, for suddenly, in 1281, he was deposed from
+his kadi-ship and, more than that, thrown into prison on the charge of
+having made a remark detrimental to the sultan, Kalavun. A pardon soon
+after arriving, he was liberated and again reinstated; but after ten
+more months as a kadi he was, in 1282, dismissed finally, and this time
+he refused ever more to leave his house, and died there in the same
+year.
+
+Not a word (you will say) so far as to Baghdad. But although Ibn
+Khallikan spent most of his life in Egypt or Syria, the greater number
+of his heroes were, as I have said, citizens all of the city of the
+romance which recently has fallen to Sir Stanley Maude's gallant forces.
+Yet of the romance which we shall always associate with Baghdad he knew
+nothing. To him it was delectable (and perhaps even romantic too--each
+of us having his own conception of what romance is) because grave
+bearded men there taught religion, explained the _Koran_, disputed as
+to points of grammar, exchanged sarcasms and swapped verses. Not,
+however, as I hope to show, unamusingly.
+
+What indeed I particularly like about the book is the picture that it
+gives of sardonic pleasantry and intellectual and sophisticated
+virtuosity going quietly on side by side with all the splendours and
+barbarities of absolute autocracy and summary jurisdiction. It throws a
+new or unaccustomed light on those days. Not even yet--not even in
+Bloomsbury, where the poets meet--have we in England anything quite like
+it; whereas when Baghdad and Damascus were the theatres of these
+poetical and hair-splitting competitions our ancestors had but just got
+the woad off.
+
+
+III.--MEN OF LETTERS
+
+Those of us who know Baghdad only through the _Arabian Nights_ and the
+ingenious productions of Mr. Oscar Asche, were not prepared for such a
+complete foreshadowing of the literary life and the literary temperament
+as Ibn Khallikan gives us.
+
+Here, for example, is a poem by a book-lover--or manuscript-lover, to
+be more exact--written by Ibn Faris Ar-Razi, the philologer, who died
+before the Norman Conquest, which a later Occidental can cheerfully
+accept and could not much improve upon: _They asked me how I was. I
+answered: "Well, some things succeed and some fail; when my heart is
+filled with cares I say: 'One day perhaps they may be dispelled.' A cat
+is my companion; books, the friends of my heart; and a lamp, my beloved
+consort."_ That is modern enough! Something of this kind, which is an
+earlier version of Omar Khayyám's famous recipe for earthly bliss, has
+often been attempted since by our own poets; but nothing better.
+Favourite books, a lighted lamp, a faithful cat, and the library were
+paradise enow. It is odd, by the way, that Omar Khayyám himself,
+although his dates qualify him, is not found in this work. But to make
+tents, even with leanings towards astronomy, was no high road to Ibn
+Khallikan's sympathies. Had Omar explained the _Koran_ or had views on
+the suffixes of words, all would have been well.
+
+While on the subject of sufficient paradises let me quote some verses by
+Ibn Sukkara Al-Hashimi, a famous Baghdad poet of the tenth century:
+_The winter set in, and I provided myself with seven things necessary
+when the rain prevents us from pursuing our usual occupations. These
+things are: A shelter, a purse, a stove, a cup of wine preceded by a bit
+of meat, a tender maid, and a cloak._
+
+Ibn Khallikan does not let it stop there, but fishes up from his memory
+a derivative, by Ibn Al-Taawizi, running thus: _When seven things are
+collected together in the drinking-room, it is not reasonable to stay
+away. These are: Roast meat, a melon, honey, a young girl, wax-lights, a
+singer to delight us, and wine._
+
+So much for the modernity and sense of comfort of the Persian author, as
+he flourished in Baghdad all those years ago. But there was then still
+more in publishing than yet meets the eye. The books of the juriconsult,
+Al-Mawardi, for example, reached posterity almost by chance. While he
+lived he did not publish any of his works but put them all up together
+in safety. On the approach of death, however, he said to a person who
+possessed his confidence: "The books in such a place were composed by
+me, but I abstained from publishing them, because I suspected, although
+my intention in writing them was to work in God's service, that that
+feeling, instead of being pure, was sullied by baser motives. Therefore,
+when you perceive me on the point of death and falling into agony, take
+my hand in yours, and if I press it, you will know thereby that none of
+these works has been accepted [by God] from me. In this case, you must
+take them all and throw them by night into the Tigris. But if I open my
+hand and close it not, that is the sign of their having been accepted,
+and that my hope in the admission of my intention as sincere and pure,
+has been fulfilled."
+
+"When Al-Mawardi's death drew near," said his friend, "I took him by the
+hand, and he opened it without closing it on mine, whence I knew that
+his labours had been accepted, and I then published his works."--But
+what a responsibility for a friend!
+
+Penmanship being, of course, the only medium between author and readers
+in those days, it follows that calligraphy was held in high esteem, and
+among famous calligraphers was Kabus Ibn Wushmaghir, who, although "the
+greatest of princes, the star of the age, and the source of justice and
+beneficence," thought it worth while (as all mighty rulers have not) to
+write a most beautiful hand. When the Sahib Ibn Abbad saw pieces in his
+handwriting, he used to say: "This is either the writing of Kabus or the
+wing of a peacock"; and he would then recite these verses of
+Al-Mutanabbi's: _In every heart is a passion for his handwriting; it
+might be said that the ink which he employed was a cause of love. His
+presence is a comfort for every eye, and his absence an affliction._
+
+The extraordinary literary activity of those times may be illustrated by
+the following passage dropped casually into the biographical notice of
+Ali Talib: "The grandson of this thief was the famous Al-Asmai, the
+philologer, who composed treatises on the following subjects: the human
+frame; the different species of animals; on the _anwa_, or influence of
+the stars on the weather; on the letter _hamza_; on the long and the
+short _elif_; on the difference between the names given to the members
+of the human body and those given to the same members in animals; on
+epithets; on the doors of tents; on games of chance played with arrows;
+on the frame of the horse; on horses; on camels; on sheep; on tents; on
+wild beasts; on the first and fourth form of certain verbs; on proverbs;
+on words bearing each two opposite significations; a vocabulary; on
+weapons; on dialects; on the springs of water frequented by the nomadic
+Arabs; a collection of anecdotes; on the principles of discourse; on the
+heart; on synonymous terms; on the Arabian peninsula; on the formation
+of derivative words; on the ideas which usually occur in poetry; on
+nouns of action; on _rajaz_ verses; on the palm-tree; on plants; on
+homonymous terms; on the obscure expressions met with in the Traditions;
+on the witticisms of the desert Arabs." Ibn closes the list with the
+word "etc." The late John Timbs could hardly beat this record of
+industry and versatility.
+
+There is hope for authors in the following story of Ibn Al-Khashshab,
+who knew the _Koran_ by heart and was a scholar of considerable
+attainments. "When he died," says the Katib Imad Ad-Din, "I was in
+Syria, and I saw him one night in a dream, and said to him: 'How has God
+treated thee?'
+
+"'Well,' he replied.
+
+"'Does God show mercy to literary men?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'And if they have been remiss?'
+
+"'A severe reprimand will be given, but,' Al-Khashshab was moved to add,
+and let us never forget it, 'then will come eternal happiness.'"
+
+There are other scraps of consolation, scattered about the volumes,
+which apply not alone to men of letters. The Prophet, for example, once
+said: "Every lie shall be written down as a lie by the recording angels,
+with the exception of three: a lie told in order to reconcile two men; a
+lying promise made by a man to his wife; and a lie in which a man, when
+engaged in war, makes a promise or a threat."
+
+But the most solacing sentiment in the whole four volumes is by the poet
+Abu Nuwas Ibn Hani, who carried Hedonism very far: _Multiply thy sins to
+the utmost, for thou art to meet an indulgent Lord. When thou comest
+before Him, thou shalt behold mercy and meet the great, the powerful
+King. Then thou shalt gnaw thy hands with regret, for the pleasures
+which thou avoidedst through fear of hell._--It is, says Ibn Khallikan,
+a "very fine and original thought." It could certainly be a very
+stimulating one.
+
+
+IV.--THE FIRST GRAMMARIAN
+
+Grammarians and Traditionists (both given also to poesy) being Ibn
+Khallikan's real heroes, let me say something of each. A Traditionist
+was a learned man intimate with the _Koran_, whose duty it was to
+separate the spurious traditions which so naturally would have collected
+around such a figure as Muhammad from the true. As to the importance of
+the _Koran_ in Moslim life and its place as the foundation of all Moslim
+learning, let the translator of Ibn Khallikan be heard. "The necessity,"
+he says, "of distinguishing the genuine Traditions from the false gave
+rise to new branches of literature. A just appreciation of the credit to
+which each Traditionist was entitled could only be formed from a
+knowledge of his moral character, and this could be best estimated from
+an examination of his life. Hence the numerous biographical works
+arranged in chronological order and containing short accounts of the
+principal Traditionists and doctors of the law, with the indication of
+their tutors and their pupils, the place of their birth and residence,
+the race from which they sprung, and the year of their death. This again
+led Moslim critics to the study of genealogy and geography. The use of
+writing existed in Arabia before the promulgation of Islamism, but
+grammar was not known as an art till the difficulty of reciting the
+_Koran_ correctly induced the khalif Ali to make it an object of his
+attention. He imposed on Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali the task of drawing up
+such instructions as would enable the Moslims to read their sacred book
+and speak their language without making gross faults."
+
+Another version of the beginnings of grammar eliminates the khalif Ali
+altogether. The story goes that as Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali (603-88)
+entered his house on a certain day, one of his daughters said to him:
+"Papa! what is most beautiful in the sky?"
+
+To this he answered: "Its stars."
+
+But she replied: "Papa, I do not mean what is the most beautiful object
+in it; I was only expressing my admiration at its beauty."
+
+"In that case you must say," he observed, "'How beautiful is the sky!'"
+
+Upon thinking this over, says Ibn Khallikan, Abu 'l-Aswad invented the
+art of grammar.
+
+Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali thus is the father of this book, for had there
+been no grammarians I am sure that Ibn Khallikan would never have
+written it. Poetry tickled him; but grammar was his chief delight, as it
+was the chief delight of all his friends and, one gathers, of all
+Baghdad. Here is an example: "Al-Mamun, having asked Al-Yazidi about
+something, received from him this answer: 'No; and may God accept my
+life as a ransom for yours, Commander of the Faithful!'
+
+"'Well said!' exclaimed the khalif. 'Never was the word _and_ better
+placed than in the praise which you have just uttered.'" He then made
+him a present.
+
+We get an insight both into the passion for the new science of grammar
+and what might be called the physical humour of the East in this
+anecdote. Abu Safwan Khalid Ibn Safwan, a member of the tribe of Tamim,
+was celebrated as an eloquent speaker. He used to visit Bilal Ibn Abi
+Burda and converse with him, but his language was frequently
+ungrammatical. This grew at length so irksome that Bilal said to him: "O
+Khalid! you make me narrations fit for khalifs to hear, but you commit
+as many faults against grammar as the women who carry water in the
+streets."
+
+Stung with this reproach, Khalid went to learn grammar at the mosque,
+and some time after lost his sight. From that period, whenever Bilal
+rode by in state, he used to ask who it was, and on being answered that
+it was the Emir, he would say: "There goes a summer-cloud, soon to be
+dispelled."
+
+When this was told to Bilal, he exclaimed: "By Allah! it shall not be
+dispelled till he get a full shower from it;" and he then ordered him a
+whipping of two hundred strokes.
+
+When books were so few and most learning came through the ear, memory
+had to be cultivated. The Traditionist, Ibn Rahwaih, was a Macaulay in
+his way. "I know," he used to say, "by heart seventy thousand
+traditions; I have read one hundred thousand, and can recollect in what
+work each is to be found. I never heard anything once without learning
+it by heart, nor learned anything by heart which I afterwards forgot."
+
+The sittings of the teacher, Ibn Al-Aarabi (767-846), who knew by heart
+more poetry than any man ever seen, were crowded by people anxious for
+instruction. Abu 'l-Abbas Thalah said: "I attended the sittings held by
+Ibn Al-Aarabi, and saw there upwards of one hundred persons, some asking
+him questions and others reading to him; he answered every question
+without consulting a book. I followed his lessons upwards of ten years,
+and I never saw him with a book in his hand; and yet he dictated to his
+pupils camel-loads of philological information."
+
+The grammarian Moad Ibn Muslim Al-Harra left some good poetry, which he
+gave as having been uttered by genii, demons and female demons. The
+caliph Ar-Raschid once said to him: "If thou sawest what thou hast
+described, thou hast seen wonders; if not, thou hast composed a nice
+piece of literature."
+
+An-Nahhas the grammarian who, on being given a turban-cloth, would cut
+it into three from avarice, met his death, in 950, in an unfortunate
+manner--being, although living in so remote a period, mistaken for a
+"profiteer." I quote Ibn Khallikan's words: "He had seated himself on
+the staircase of the Nilometer, by the side of the river, which was then
+on the increase, and began to scan some verses according to the rules of
+prosody, when a common fellow who heard him said: 'This man is
+pronouncing a charm to prevent the overflow of the Nile, so as to raise
+the price of provisions.' He then thrust him with his foot into the
+river and nothing more was heard of him."
+
+Not all these learned men were philosophical, even though they were
+philosophers. Abu Nizar Ibn Safi Malik An-Nuhat assumed the title
+"Prince of Grammarians," but if any other name was given to him by those
+addressing him he would fly into a passion.
+
+The old fellows could be superstitious too. It is amusing to read that
+Abu Obaida, when repeating passages of the _Koran_ or relating
+Traditions, made mistakes designedly: "For," said he, "grammar brings
+ill luck."
+
+
+V.--THE FIRST PROSODIST
+
+After grammar, prosody. That a falling apple should lead Sir Isaac
+Newton's thoughts to the problem of gravity is not so remarkable, but
+that the laws of prosody should result from an equally capricious
+occurrence strikes one as odd. I mention the discoverer's name partly
+that schoolboys may remember him, or not, in their prayers. It was
+Al-Khalil Ibn Ahmad who, at Mecca, had besought Allah to bestow upon him
+a science hitherto unknown. Allah being in a complaisant mood, it
+followed that not long after, walking in the bazaar, Al-Khalil invented
+prosody as he passed a coppersmith's and heard him hammering a basin.
+
+Once started on his career as an inventor, he continued; but a later
+discovery cost him dear, for having resolved on devising "a method of
+calculation so simple that any servant girl who knew it could go to a
+shopkeeper's without incurring the least possible risk of being deceived
+by him in the sum she would have to pay, he entered the mosque with his
+thoughts occupied on the subject, and he there struck against a pillar,
+which his preoccupation hindered him from perceiving. The violence of
+the shock threw him on his back, and death was the result."
+
+Al-Khalil used to remark that a man's reason and intelligence reached
+perfection when he attained the age of forty, the age of the Prophet
+when God sent him forth on his mission; but that they undergo alteration
+and diminution when the man reaches sixty, the age in which God took the
+Prophet's soul to himself. He said, again, that the intelligence is
+clearest at the dawn of day.
+
+
+VI.--A GROUP OF POETS
+
+No matter what the profession or calling of these Persians--whether they
+were lawyers or lawgivers, grammarians or warriors--they all, or almost
+all, adored verbal felicity and tried their hands at verse. Poetry may
+be called the gold dust on their lives.
+
+Ibn Nubata the poet knew how to say thank you. Saif Ad-Dawlat Ibn Hamdan
+having given him a horse, this is how he acknowledged it: _O prince!
+thou whose generous qualities are the offspring of thy natural
+disposition, and whose pleasing aspect is the emblem of thy mind, I have
+received the present which thou sentest me, a noble steed whose portly
+neck seems to unite the heavens to the earth on which he treads. Hast
+thou then conferred a government upon me, since thou sendest me a spear
+to which a flowing mane serves as a banner? We take possession of what
+thou hast conferred and find it to be a horse whose forehead and legs
+are marked with white, and whose body is so black that a single hair
+extracted from that colour would suffice to form night's darkest shades.
+It would seem that the morning had struck him on the forehead and thus
+made it white, for which reason he took his revenge by wading into the
+entrails of the morning, and thus whitening his legs. He paces slowly,
+yet one of his names is Lightning; he wears a veil, having his face
+covered with white, as if to conceal it, and yet beauty itself would be
+his only rival. Had the sun and the moon a portion only of his ardour,
+it would be impossible to withstand their heat. The eye cannot follow
+his movements, unless you rein him in and restrain his impetuosity. The
+glances of the eye cannot seize all his perfections, unless the eye be
+led away captive by his beauty and be thus enabled to follow him._--I
+like the extravagance of that. So should the friend of man be extolled.
+
+Emirs did not disdain to be poets. Majd Ad-Din Al-Mubarak Ibn Munkid,
+although at once "The Sword of the Empire" and "The Glory of Religion,"
+wrote poetry, and not always on the most exalted themes. Among his
+poems, for example, is one on fleas, in which those insects, of which
+Emirs should know nothing, are thus described: _A race whom man is
+permitted to slay, and who profane the blood of the pilgrim, even in the
+sanctuary. When my hand sheds their blood, it is not their own, but
+mine, which is shed._ "It is thus," says Ibn Khallikan gravely, "that
+these two verses were recited and given as his, by Izz Ad-Din Abu
+'l-Kasim Abd Allah Ibn Abi Ali Al-Husain Ibn Abi Muhammad Abd Allah Ibn
+Al-Husain Ibn Rawaha Ibn Ibrahim Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Ibn Obaid Ibn
+Muhammad Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Al-Ansari, a native of Hamat."
+
+Ibn Khallikan's greed for poetry led him, as I have said, not only to
+quote most things that he could remember of each poet, but to cite also
+the poems of which those reminded him. Sometimes he quoted before he
+was sure of the author; but it made no difference. Thus, of Al-Farra the
+grammarian he says: "No verses have been handed down as his excepting
+the following, which were given by Abu-Hanifa Ad-Dinauri on the
+authority of Abu Bakr At-Tuwal: _Lord of a single acre of ground, you
+have nine chamberlains! You sit in an old ruin and have door-keepers who
+exclude visitors! Never did I hear of a door-keeper in a ruined
+dwelling! Never shall the eyes of men see me at a door of yours; a man
+like me is not made to support repulses from door-keepers._" Having got
+his quotation safely into print, Ibn Khallikan adds: "I since discovered
+that these verses are attributed to Ibn Musa 'l-Makfuf. God knows best!"
+It is a charming way of writing biography. The grass does not grow upon
+the weir more easily. With such a rectifying or excusatory phrase as
+"God knows best" one can hazard all. And how difficult it is to be the
+first to say anything!
+
+Here is a poem by an Emir's vizier, Al-Wazi Al-Maghribi: _I shall relate
+to you my adventure, and adventures are of various kinds. I one night
+changed my bed and was abandoned by repose; tell me then how I shall be
+on the first night which I pass in the grave?_
+
+Another vizier, Ibn Al-Amid, the katib, who lived in the eleventh
+century, wrote as follows: _Choose your friends among strangers, and
+take not your near relations into favour. Relations are like scorpions
+or even more noxious._ Asked which was the worse of his two recurring
+maladies, gout or colic, he replied: "When the gout attacks me I feel as
+if I were between the jaws of a lion devouring me, mouthful by mouthful;
+when the colic visits me, I would willingly exchange it for the gout."
+
+Poetry in those days ran in families. The family which had the greatest
+skill in the art was that of Hassan Ibn Abi Hafsa, for it produced six
+persons, in succession, all of them poets. These were: Said, his father
+Abd Ar-Rahman, his father Hassan, his father Thabit, his father
+Al-Mundir, and his father Hizam. Abd Ar-Rahman began very young. It is
+related that having been stung by a wasp, he went crying to his father,
+who asked what was the matter. He replied: "I have been stung by a
+flying thing, dressed, as it were, in a double cloak of striped cloth."
+
+"By Allah!" exclaimed the delighted father, recognizing a chip of the
+old block, "thou hast there pronounced a verse."
+
+The family of Abi Hafsa came next to that of Hassan in poetical gifts.
+The reason was, according to one statement, that they could "all touch
+the point of their nose with their tongue, and this denotes a talent for
+speaking with elegance and precision." "God knows," Ibn Khallikan adds,
+"how far that may be true!"
+
+It was Marwan Ibn Abi Hafsa, of this family, who made such a mistake (in
+a poet depending on the beneficence of the exalted) as to commit himself
+to the sweeping statement, in his elegy on the death of Maan, the Emir,
+that patronage had died with him. "It is said," Ibn Khallikan relates,
+"that Marwan, after composing this elegy, could never gain anything by
+his verses, for, as often as he celebrated the praises of a khalif or of
+any other person less elevated in rank, he to whom the poem was
+addressed would say to him: 'Did you not say, in your famous elegy:
+_Whither should we go, since Maan is dead? Presents have ceased and are
+not to be replaced?_' So the person he meant to praise would not give
+him anything nor even listen to his poem."
+
+But once--having the persistency of the needy--Abi Hafsa scored. The
+story goes that, entering into the presence of the khalif Al-Mahdi with
+a number of other poets, he recited to him a panegyric.
+
+"Who art thou?" said the khalif.
+
+"Thy humble poet, Marwan, the son of Abi Hafsa."
+
+"Art thou," said the khalif with great presence of mind, remembering the
+poet's useful indiscretion, "not he who said: _Whither should we go,
+since Maan is dead?_ and yet thou hast come to ask gifts from us!
+_Presents have ceased_; we have nothing for thee. Trail him out by the
+leg!"
+
+They trailed him out by the leg, but, twelve months later, Marwan once
+more contrived to gain admittance with the other poets, who, at that
+time, were allowed to enter into the khalif's presence once a year. He
+then stood before him and recited the kasada which begins thus: _A
+female visitor came to thee by night; salute her fleeting image._
+
+Al-Mahdi at first listened in silence, but as the poet proceeded, he
+became gradually more and more agitated, till at length "he rolled on
+the carpet with delight."
+
+He then asked how many verses were in the poem and, on being answered,
+"One hundred," he ordered the author a--present of one hundred thousand
+pieces of silver.
+
+The poet Ibn Ar-Rumi met his necessary end with composure. Al-Kasim Ibn
+Obaid Allah Ibn Sulaiman Ibn Wahb, the vizier of Al-Motadid, dreading to
+incur the satirical attacks of this writer and the outbursts of his
+malignant tongue, suborned a person called Ibn Firas, who gave him a
+poisoned biscuit whilst he was sitting in company with the vizier.
+
+When Ibn Ar-Rumi had eaten it, he perceived that he was poisoned, and he
+rose to withdraw; on which the vizier said to him: "Where are you
+going?"
+
+"To the place," replied Ibn Ar-Rumi, "where you sent me."
+
+"Well," observed the vizier, "you will present my respects to my
+father."
+
+"I am not taking the road to hell," retorted the poet.
+
+Another poet, Ibn Sara As-Shantarini, falling upon evil days, became a
+bookbinder. As such he wrote the following poem: _The trade of a
+bookbinder is the worst of all; its leaves and its fruits are nought but
+disappointment. I may compare him that follows it to a needle, which
+clothes others but is naked itself!_
+
+
+VII.--POETRY'S REWARDS
+
+The Patron was a very real factor in the poetical life of Baghdad.
+
+Here is a story told by the poet Abu Bakr Ibn Al-Allaf. "I had passed a
+night at the palace of Al-Motadid with a number of his other companions,
+when a eunuch came to us and said: 'The Commander of the Faithful sends
+to tell you that, after you withdrew, he did not feel inclined to sleep,
+and composed this verse: _When the vision of my mistress, fleeting
+through the shades of night, awoke me, behold! my chamber was deserted,
+and far off was the place of our meeting_. He says also,' continued the
+eunuch, 'that he cannot complete the piece, and will give a rich present
+to anyone who adds to it a second couplet to his satisfaction.'
+
+"Those who were present failed in accomplishing the task, although they
+were all poets of talent, on which I," says Abu Bakr, "hastened to
+pronounce the following verse: _On this I said to my eyes: 'Sleep again;
+perhaps the vision, in its night visits, may return to me!'_"
+
+The eunuch then retired, bearing Abu Bakr's not very remarkable effort
+with him, and having come back, said: "The Commander of the Faithful
+declares that your verse is perfect, and he has ordered you a present."
+
+Sometimes the passion for verse enjoyed and encouraged by these courtly
+gentleman seems to reach absurd lengths. Thus Abu Tammam At-Tai, the
+poet, once recited to the Emir Abu Dolad Al-Ijli the following lines:
+_At the sight of dwellings abandoned like these, and places of joyous
+meetings now deserted, our tears, long treasured up, were shed in
+torrents!_
+
+Abu Dolad so admired the piece that he gave the poet fifty thousand
+dirhems, saying: "By Allah! it is less than your poem is worth; and
+that idea is only surpassed in beauty by your elegy on the death of
+Muhammad Ibn Hamid At-Tusi."
+
+"Which," asked Abu Tammam, "does the Emir mean?"
+
+"Why," said Abu Dolad, "your poem commencing thus: _Now let misfortune
+do its worst, and time inflict its evils! There is no excuse for eyes
+which have not shed their tears._ I wish, by Allah! that this elegy had
+been composed by you on me."
+
+"Nay!" said the poet, "may I and my family die to save the Emir, and may
+I leave the world before you!"
+
+To this Abu Dolad replied: "He whose death is deplored in verses like
+those is immortal."
+
+Surely the palmy days of poetry have passed away. How one would like to
+think of Mr. Kipling, say, being summoned to Buckingham Palace to speak
+a piece and retiring with a cheque for £1025, which is what fifty
+thousand dirhems come to.
+
+Gratitude, even when it is excessive, is always a good theme. In the
+following case the proportions were respected with more fitness.
+Al-Wazir Al-Muhallabi was both vizier and poet. He was also a very poor
+vegetarian, and once, on a journey, being unable to obtain flesh-food,
+he recited extempore these verses: _Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it? for this life is devoid of good. Oh! let death, whose taste to me is
+sweet, come and free me from a detested life! When I see a tomb from
+afar, I wish to be its inhabitant. May the Being who granteth
+tranquillity have compassion on the soul of the generous man who will
+bestow death, as a charity, upon one of his brethren!_ These verses
+being heard by a person who was travelling in the same caravan with him,
+and whose name was Abd Allah As-Sufi (or, by another account, Abu
+'l-Hasan Al-Askalani), he bought for Al-Muhallabi a dirhem's worth of
+meat, cooked it, and gave it to him to eat.
+
+"They then," says Ibn, "separated, and Al-Muhallabi having experienced a
+change of fortune, became vizier to Moizz Ad-Dawlat at Baghdad, while
+the person who had travelled with him and purchased the meat for him was
+reduced to poverty. Having then learned that Al-Muhallabi was a vizier,
+he set out to find him and wrote to him these lines: _Repeat to the
+vizier, for whose life I would sacrifice my own--repeat to him the words
+of one who reminds him of what he has forgotten. Do you remember when,
+in a life of misery, you said: 'Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it?'_ The vizier on reading the note recollected the circumstance, and,
+moved with the joy of doing a generous action, he ordered seven hundred
+dirhems to be given to the writer, and inscribed these words on the
+paper: _The similitude of those who lay out their substance in the
+service of God is as a grain of corn which has produced seven ears and
+in every ear a hundred grains; for God giveth many-fold to whom He
+pleaseth._ He then prayed God's blessing on him, and clothed him in a
+robe of honour, and appointed him to a place under government, so
+that"--the corollary seems hardly worth adding--"he might live in easy
+circumstances."
+
+Poetry was, you see, worth practising in Baghdad in those days; nor had
+the poets any shame in accepting presents. What princes liked to give it
+was not for poets to analyse or refuse. Al-Moizz Ibn Badis, sovereign of
+Ifrikya and the son of Badis, was a patron indeed. "Poets," says Ibn
+Khallikan, "were loud in his praise, literary men courted his patronage,
+and all who hoped for gain made his court their halting-place."
+
+To the modern mind he was too easily pleased, if the following story is
+typical. He was sitting, one day, in his saloon with a number of
+literary men about him, when, noticing a lemon shaped like a hand and
+fingers, he asked them to extemporize some verses on that subject. Abd
+Abu Ali Al-Hasan Ibn Rashik Al-Kairawani at once recited the following
+lines: _A lemon, with its extremities spread out, appears before all
+eyes without being injured. It seems to hold out a hand towards the
+Creator, invoking long life to the son of Badis._
+
+Al-Moizz declared the verses excellent and showed more favour to the
+author than to any other literary man in the assembly.
+
+Ready wit not less than poetical ingenuity could always win the respect
+of these gentlemen, whose cynical cold-bloodedness and implacability
+were ever ready to be diverted, provided that the diversion was
+intellectual. For instance, it is related that Al-Hajjaj said to the
+brother of Katari: "I shall surely put thee to death."
+
+"Why so?" replied the other.
+
+"On account of thy brother's revolt," answered Al-Hajjaj.
+
+"But I have a letter from the Commander of the Faithful, ordering thee
+not to punish me for the fault of my brother."
+
+"Produce it."
+
+"I have something stronger than that."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"The book of Almighty God, wherein He says: 'And no burdened soul shall
+bear the burden of another.'"
+
+Al-Hajjaj was struck with his answer, and gave him his liberty.
+
+Among the lavish patrons of poets Saif Ad-Dawlat stands high. It is
+related that he was one day giving audience in the city of Aleppo, and
+poets were reciting verses in his praise, when an Arab of the desert, in
+squalid attire, stepped forward and repeated these lines: _My means are
+spent, but I have reached my journey's end. This is the glory of all
+other cities, and thou, Emir! art the ornament whereby the Arabs surpass
+the rest of men. Fortune, thy slave, has wronged us; and to thee we have
+recourse against thy slave's injustice._
+
+"By Allah!" exclaimed the prince, "thou hast done it admirably." He then
+ordered him a present of two hundred gold pieces.
+
+Abu 'l-Kasim Othman Ibn Muhammad, a native of Irak and kadi of Ain
+Zerba, relates as follows: "I was at an audience given by Saif Ad-Dawlat
+at Aleppo, when the kadi Abu Nasr Muhammad Ibn Muhammad An-Naisapuri
+went up to him, and having drawn an empty purse and a roll of paper out
+of his sleeve, he asked and obtained permission to recite a poem which
+was written on the paper. He then commenced his kasada, the first line
+of which was: _Thy wonted generosity is still the same; thy power is
+uncontrolled, and thy servant stands in need of one thousand pieces of
+silver._
+
+"When the poet had finished, Saif Ad-Dawlat burst into a fit of laughter
+and ordered him a thousand pieces of gold, which were immediately put
+into the purse he had brought with him."
+
+Here is a delightful account of the relations between a crafty poet and
+a patron who was not wholly a fool. Abu Dulaf was a spirited, noble, and
+generous chief, highly extolled for his liberality, courage, and
+enterprise, noted for his victories and his beneficence. Men
+distinguished in literature and the sciences derived instruction from
+his discourse, and his talent was conspicuous even in the art of vocal
+music. His praises were celebrated in kasadas of the greatest beauty.
+Bakr Ibn An-Nattah said of him: _O thou who pursuest the study of
+alchemy, the great alchemy consists in praising the son of Isa. Was
+there but one dirhem in the world, thou wouldst obtain it by this
+means._
+
+It is stated that, for these two verses, Abu Dulaf gave Ibn An-Nattah
+ten thousand dirhems. The poet then ceased visiting him for some time
+and employed the money in the purchase of a village or estate on the
+river Obolla. He afterwards went to see him, and addressed him in these
+words: _Thanks to thee, I have purchased an estate on the Obolla,
+crowned by a pavilion erected in marble. It has a sister beside it which
+is now on sale, and you have always money to bestow._
+
+"How much," said Abu Dulaf, "is the price of that sister?"
+
+The poet answered: "Ten thousand dirhems."
+
+Abu Dulaf gave him the money, and said: "Recollect that the Obolla is a
+large river, with many estates situated on it, and that each of these
+sisters has another at her side; so, if thou openest such a door as
+that, it will lead to a breach between us. Be content with what thou
+hast now got, and let this be a point agreed on."
+
+The poet then offered up prayers for his welfare and withdrew.
+
+
+VIII.--A BRAVE POET
+
+The end of the munificent and splendid Ibn Bakiya was tragic, and it
+leads to so fine and characteristic a story that I must tell it here:
+partly in Ibn Khallikan's words and partly in my own. During the war
+which was carried on between the two cousins Izz Ad-Dawlat and Adud
+Ad-Dawlat, the former seized on Ibn Bakiya and, having deprived him of
+sight, delivered him over to Adud Ad-Dawlat. That prince caused him to
+be paraded about with a hood over his head, and then ordered him to be
+cast to the elephants. Those animals killed him, and his body was
+exposed on a cross at the gate called Bab At-Tak, near his own house.
+
+On his crucifixion, an adl of Baghdad, called Abu 'l-Hasan Muhammad Ibn
+Omar Ibn Yakub Al-Anbari, deplored his fate in a beautiful poem, of
+which this is one line: _I never saw a tree, before this, enabled to
+sustain all that was generous._
+
+Abu 'l-Hasan, on composing his elegy, copied it out and threw it into
+one of the streets of Baghdad.
+
+It fell into the hands of the literati, who passed it one to another,
+till Adud Ad-Dawlat was at length informed of its existence. He caused
+it to be recited in his presence, and, struck with admiration at its
+beauty, he exclaimed: "O that I were the person crucified, not he! Let
+the poet be brought to me!"
+
+During a whole year strict search was made for the author, and the Sahib
+Ibn Abbad who was then at Rai, being informed of the circumstance, wrote
+out a letter of protection in favour of the poet. When Abu 'l-Hasan
+heard of this, he went to the court of the Sahib and was asked by him if
+it was he who had composed the verses. He replied in the affirmative, on
+which the Sahib expressed the desire to hear them from his own mouth.
+When Abu 'l-Hasan came to the verse, _I never saw a tree, before this,
+enabled to sustain all that was generous_, the Sahib rose up and
+embraced him, kissing him on the lips; he then sent him to Adud
+Ad-Dawlat.
+
+When he appeared before Adud Ad-Dawlat, that prince said to him: "What
+motive could have induced thee to compose an elegy on the death of my
+enemy?"
+
+Abu 'l-Hasan replied: "Former obligations and favours granted long
+since; my heart therefore overflowed with sorrow, and I lamented his
+fate."
+
+There were wax-lights burning, at the time, before the prince, and this
+led him to say to the poet: "Canst thou recollect any verses on
+wax-lights?" and to this the other replied by the following lines: _The
+wax-lights, showing their ends tipped with fire, seemed like the fingers
+of thy trembling foes, humbly stretched forth to implore thy mercy._
+
+On hearing these verses, Adud Ad-Dawlat clothed him in a pelisse of
+honour and bestowed on him a horse and a bag of money.
+
+
+IX.--A WESTERN INTERLUDE
+
+That beautiful phrase of the poet on his crucified hero--_I never saw a
+tree, before this, enabled to sustain all that was generous_--has an
+oddly close parallel, which I am tempted to record here: a phrase, not
+less beautiful, used by a modern Frenchman, also of a dead man and a
+tree. It occurs in a letter written by François Bonvin on the death of
+his brother, Léon, the painter of flowers. Léon Bonvin's work is little
+known and there is little of it, but those who possess examples treasure
+them like black pearls. François Bonvin, who is represented in the
+National Gallery, in the modern French and Dutch room, by a scene of
+cattle painted with great decision and confidence and breadth, and who
+died in 1888, was the son of a policeman at Vaugiraud, on the outskirts
+of Paris: an old soldier who divided his time between protecting the
+property of the market gardeners and constructing rockeries for poor
+people's windows. Another, and the youngest son, was Léon, who after a
+shy and lonely boyhood and youth, under the tyranny of his father, which
+was mitigated by rambles in the neighbouring forest of Meudon, gathering
+flowers and painting them under his brother's encouragement with a
+felicity and fidelity that have not been surpassed, fell, when still
+quite young, into the hands of a shrewish vulgar wife, and with her
+opened a tavern. No couple could be more ill-assorted than this gentle
+creature, full of poetry and feeling, whose one ambition was to set
+exquisitely on paper the blossoms which gave him pleasure, and the
+noisy, bustling, angry woman whom he had married.
+
+The union and the commercial venture were alike disastrous; unhappiness
+was accompanied by poverty, and after a short period of depression the
+unfortunate artist, early one morning, in his thirty-third year,
+wandered into the forest of Meudon, where the world had once spread so
+happily before his eyes, and hanged himself.
+
+All this happened in the middle years of the last century, when the same
+revival of nature-worship was inspiring painters in France as had, fifty
+years earlier, flushed Wordsworth's poetry, and such famous and more
+fortunate contemporaries of Léon Bonvin as Corot and Rousseau and Millet
+and Daubigny and Jacque and Dupré were painting in the forest of
+Fontainebleau. Theirs to succeed; poor Léon found life too hard, and was
+dead when still far from his prime.
+
+And what of the notable phrase? It is one that I know I shall never
+forget, one that will remain indissolubly linked to the name of Bonvin,
+whether it is Léon who inspired it or François who penned it and who had
+been so useful in providing his brother with the materials for his one
+absorbing pleasure and had always exhorted him to "do everything from
+nature." Writing to some one of influence in Paris, François told the
+story of his brother's death. In a postscript he added the information
+that the weight of Léon's body had broken a branch of the tree. Then
+came the words: "This is the only damage he ever did."
+
+Could there be a more beautiful epitaph or a more poignant commentary on
+a world askew?
+
+
+X.--PERSIAN HUMOUR
+
+Persian humour is a stealthier thing than English humour. We like to
+laugh; the sudden surprise pleases us. But these old ruminative
+observers of life, even if they rapped out a sarcasm now and then, were
+normally happiest when their fancy was playing quietly around an idea:
+fetching similes for it from every quarter and accumulating
+extravagances. Thus: "It is related by Abu 'l-Khattab Ibn Aun Al-Hariri,
+the poet and grammarian, that he went one day to visit An-Nami, and
+found him seated. His hair was white like the Thaghama when in flower,
+but one single black hair still remained.
+
+"'Sir!' said Ibn Aun, 'there is a black hair in your head.'
+
+"'Yes,' replied An-Nami, 'it is the sole remnant of my youth, and I am
+pleased with it; I have even written verses on it.'
+
+"Then, at the request of Ibn Aun, he recited these lines: _In that head
+a single hair still appeared, preserving its blackness; 'twas a sight
+which rejoiced the eyes of my friends. I said to my white hairs, which
+had put it in fear: 'I implore you! respect it as a stranger. A dark
+African spouse will not long remain in the house where the second wife
+is white of skin.'_"
+
+One of the worthiest representatives of the humorists of the book is Abu
+Dulama, a black Abyssinian, whose wits never failed him. Here is the
+poem which he recited when ordered by Ruh, the governor of Basra, to
+attack one of the enemy single-handed: _I fly to Ruh for refuge; let
+him not send me to a combat in which I shall bring disgrace upon the
+tribe of Asad. Your father Al-Muhallab left you as a legacy the love of
+death; but such a legacy as that I have inherited from none. And this I
+know well, that the act of drawing near to enemies produces a separation
+between souls and bodies._
+
+Ruh positively declared, however, that Abu Dulama should go forth and
+fight, enforcing the command with the pertinent question, "Why do you
+receive pay from the sultan?"
+
+"To fight for him," replied Abu.
+
+"Then," said Ruh, "why not go forth and attack that enemy of God?"
+
+"If I go forth to him, O Emir," replied the Abyssinian, "I shall be sent
+to join those who are dead and gone; and the condition I made with the
+sultan was, to fight for him, but not to die for him."
+
+Another wit, Osama Ibn Murshid, having had a tooth drawn, produced the
+following verses, either at the time, for the delectation of the
+dentist, or afterwards, when seated among his friends: _I had a
+companion of whom I was never tired, who suffered in my service, and
+laboured with assiduity; whilst we were together I never saw him; and
+when he appeared before my eyes, we had parted for ever._
+
+This is how Osama wrote when the house of a miser was burnt down: _See
+how the progress of time constrains us to acknowledge that there is a
+destiny. Ibn Talib never lit a fire in his house, through avarice, yet
+by fire it was destroyed._
+
+"One thing," says Ibn Khallikan, in the notice of this satirist, "brings
+on another." He then proceeds: "Abu 'l-Hasan Yahya Abd Al-Azim Al-Misri,
+surnamed Al-Jazzar, recited to me the following verses which he had
+composed on another literary man at Cairo, far advanced in age, who,
+being attacked by a cutaneous eruption, anointed himself with sulphur:
+_O, learned master, hearken to the demand of a friend devoid of sarcasm:
+thou art old, and of course art near to the fire of hell; why then
+anoint thyself with sulphur?_"
+
+As a further quite unnecessary proof of the antiquity of jests which we
+think new, I might append to this excellent sarcasm by a friend devoid
+of sarcasm the story, often now told, of the rival chemists in a
+provincial town, one of whom was old-fashioned and costly, and the other
+new and cheap. To the costly one, who had asked too much for sulphur, a
+customer remarked that if he went to the new shop opposite he could get
+it for fourpence; which brought from the old-fashioned chemist, weary of
+this competition, the admirable retort that if he went still farther, to
+a certain place, he would get it for nothing.
+
+East and West join hands again. When I was a boy living in a town by the
+sea, one of my heroes in real life--whom I never knew, but admired
+fearfully from a distance--was a famous stockbroker, whose splendid name
+I could give if I chose. One of his many mansions was here, and I used
+to see him often as he managed the finest pair of horses on the south
+coast, which he drove in a phaeton with red wheels, always smoking a
+cigar as he did so. Many were the stories told of his princely Victor
+Radnor-ish ways, one of which credited him with a private compartment on
+the train, into which his guests walked without a ticket--a magnificent
+idea!--and another stated that he bought his trousers a hundred pairs
+at a time. And then I open this book and read that Barjawan, an
+Ethiopian eunuch, after being stabbed to death by the prince's
+umbrella-bearer, was found to possess a thousand pairs of trousers.
+
+Not a little of the humorous effect of these Persian sayings comes from
+their dry frankness. For example: Ibn Omair, a trustworthy traditionist,
+when, once, he was ill, and a person sent his excuses for not going to
+visit him, answered: "I cannot reproach a person for not visiting me,
+whom I myself should not go to visit were he sick." Modern would-be wits
+might take the hint; for with candour so scarce, and self-criticism
+usually ending in a verdict of complete innocence, the blurted naked
+truth, not unaccompanied by a sidelong thrust at the speaker's own
+fallibility, would always produce the required laugh.
+
+
+XI.--THE SATIRISTS
+
+Al-Yazidi, a story of whom I quoted above, was a teacher of Koranic
+readings, a grammarian and a philologer, who taught in Baghdad in the
+ninth century. He was also a famous satirist; but satire seems to have
+been easier then than now. So at least I gather from the epigram which
+Al-Yazidi wrote upon Al-Asmai Al-Bahili: _You who pretend to draw your
+origin from Asma, tell me how you are connected with that noble race.
+Are you not a man whose genealogy, if verified, proves that you descend
+from Bahila?_ "This last verse," said Ibn Al-Munajjim, "is one of the
+most satirical which have been composed by the later poets."
+
+I need hardly say that Ibn Khallikan, with his eagle eye and fierce
+memory, does not let the originality of this pass unchallenged. The
+idea, he tells us, is borrowed from the verse in which Hammad Ajrad
+attacked Bashshar, the son of Burd. I like its directness. _You call
+yourself the son of Burd, though you are the son of another man. Or,
+grant that Burd married your mother, who was Burd?_
+
+In sarcasms Al-Yazidi was hard pressed by Abu Obaida, who was a very Mr.
+Brown (_vide_ Bret Harte) in being of "so sarcastic a humour that every
+one in Basra who had a reputation to maintain was obliged to flatter
+him." When dining once with Musa Ibn Ar-Rahman Al-Hilali, one of the
+pages spilled some gravy on the skirt of Abu Obaida's cloak.
+
+"Some gravy has fallen on your cloak," said Musa, "but I shall give you
+ten others in place of it."
+
+"Nay!" replied Abu Obaida, "do not mind! _Your_ gravy can do no harm."
+
+Another of Al-Yazidi's satirical efforts, which has no forerunner in Ibn
+Khallikan's recollection, is this, levelled at another mean
+acquaintance; meanness, indeed, being one of the unpardonable
+offences--especially in the eyes of poets who lived on patronage: _Be
+careful not to lose the friendship of Abu 'l-Mukatil when you approach
+to partake of his meal. Breaking his crumpet is for him as bad as
+breaking one of his limbs. His guests fast against their will, and
+without meaning to obtain the spiritual reward which is granted to
+fasting._
+
+Apropos of sarcasm, the Merwanide Omaiyide, who reigned in Spain,
+received from Nizar, the sovereign of Egypt, an insulting and satirical
+letter, to which he replied in these terms: "You satirize us because you
+have heard of us. Had we ever heard of you, we should make you a
+reply."
+
+None of the sarcastic wits are more pointed than the blind mawla Abu
+'l-Aina (806-96), whose tongue was venomously barbed, and who, like
+other blind men, often used his malady as a protection when his satire
+had been excessive. Viziers were his favourite butts. Being one day in
+the society of one of them, the conversation turned on the history of
+the Barmekides and their generosity, on which the vizier said to Abu
+'l-Aina, who had just made a high eulogium of that family for their
+liberality and bounty: "You have praised them and their qualities too
+much; all this is a mere fabrication of book-makers and a fable imagined
+by authors."
+
+Abu 'l-Aina immediately replied: "And why then do book-makers not relate
+such fables of you, O vizier?"
+
+Again, having gone one day to the door of Said Ibn Makhlad and asked
+permission to enter, Abu 'l-Aina was told that the vizier was engaged in
+prayer. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "there is a pleasure in novelty."
+
+"I am told," said a khalif to him, "that thou hast an evil tongue."
+
+"Commander of the Faithful!" replied Abu 'l-Aina, "the Almighty himself
+has spoken praise and satire," and he then quoted this poem: _If I
+praise not the honest man and revile not the sordid, the despicable, and
+the base, why should I have the power of saying, "That is good and this
+is bad"? And why should God have opened men's ears and my mouth?_
+
+Having one day a dispute with a descendant of the Prophet, his adversary
+said to Abu 'l-Aina: "You attack me, and yet you say in your prayers:
+'Almighty God! bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.'"
+
+"Yes," replied Abu 'l-Aina, "but I add--'who are virtuous and pure.'"
+
+Here is one of the stories which Abu 'l-Aina used to tell. "I was one
+day sitting with Abu 'l-Jahm, when a man came in and said to him: 'You
+made me a promise, and it depends on your kindness to fulfil it.'
+
+"Abu 'l-Jahm answered that he did not recollect it, and the other
+replied: 'If you do not recollect it, 'tis because the persons like me
+to whom you make promises are numerous; and if I remember it, 'tis
+because the persons like you to whom I may confidently address a
+request are few.'
+
+"'Well said! Blessings on your father!' exclaimed Abu 'l-Jahm, and the
+promise was immediately fulfilled."
+
+That blind men should be self-protective is of course, natural, and the
+East has always been rich in them. "The learned Muwaffak Ad-Din
+Muzaffar, the blind poet of Egypt, having gone to visit Al-Kadi As-Said
+Ibn Sana Al-Mulk, the latter said to him: 'Learned scholar! I have
+composed the first hemistich of a verse, but cannot finish it, although
+it has occupied my mind for some days.'
+
+"Muzaffar asked to hear what he had composed, and the other recited as
+follows: _The whiteness of my beard proceeds from the blackness of her
+ringlets--_
+
+"On hearing these words, Muzaffar replied that he had found their
+completion, and recited as follows:--_even as the flame with which I
+burn for her acquired its intensity from her pomegranate-flower [her
+rosy cheeks]_.
+
+"As-Said approved of the addition, and commenced another verse on the
+same model; but Muzaffar said to himself: 'I must rise and be off, or
+else he will make the entire piece at the expense of my wits.'"
+
+
+XII.--AN EARLY CHESS CHAMPION
+
+Much has been written of the origin of chess, and many countries contend
+for the honour of its inception. According to my encyclopædia, China,
+India, Persia, and Egypt have each a claim, but it is probable that the
+game existed, in some form or other, before history. The theory is that
+the Arabs introduced it to Europe in the eighth century. Thus the
+cautious encyclopædia; but Ibn Khallikan has no such hesitancy. From him
+we get names and dates. Ibn Khallikan gives the credit boldly to one
+Sissah, who, says he, "imagined the game for the amusement of King
+Shihram." Whether Sissah built it out of a clear sky, or had foundations
+on which to erect, is not stated. Anyway, the pastime was a complete
+success. "It is said that, when Sissah invented the game of chess and
+presented it to Shihram, the latter was struck with admiration and
+filled with joy; he ordered chess-boards to be placed in the temples,
+and considered that game as the best thing that could be learned,
+inasmuch as it served as an introduction to the art of war, as an honour
+to religion and the world, and as the foundation of all justice.
+
+"He manifested also his gratitude and satisfaction for the favour which
+Heaven had granted him in illustrating his reign by such an invention,
+and he said to Sissah, 'Ask me for whatever you desire.'
+
+"'I then demand,' replied Sissah, 'that a grain of wheat be placed in
+the first square of the chess-board, two in the second, and that the
+number of grains be progressively doubled till the last square is
+attained: whatever this quantity may be, I ask you to bestow it on me.'
+
+"The king, who meant to make him a present of something considerable,
+exclaimed that such a recompense would be too little, and reproached
+Sissah for asking for so inadequate a reward.
+
+"Sissah declared that he desired nothing but what he had mentioned, and,
+heedless of the king's remonstrances, he persisted in his demand.
+
+"The king, at length, consented, and ordered that quantity of wheat to
+be given him. When the chiefs of the government office received orders
+to that effect, they calculated the amount, and answered that they did
+not possess near so much wheat as was required.
+
+"These words were reported to the king, and he, being unable to credit
+them, ordered the chiefs to be brought before him. Having questioned
+them on the subject, they replied that all the wheat in the world would
+be insufficient to make up the quantity. He ordered them to prove what
+they said, and, by a series of multiplications and reckonings, they
+demonstrated to him that such was the fact.
+
+"On this, the king said to Sissah: 'Your ingenuity in imagining such a
+request is yet more admirable than your talent in inventing the game of
+chess.'"
+
+Ibn Khallikan was at pains to investigate the matter. Having, he says,
+"met one of the accountants employed at Alexandria, I received from him
+a demonstration which convinced me that the declaration was true. He
+placed before me a sheet of paper in which he had doubled the numbers up
+to the sixteenth square, and obtained thirty-two thousand seven hundred
+and sixty-eight grains. 'Now,' said he, 'let us consider this quantity
+to be the contents of a pint measure, and this I know by experiment to
+be true'--these are the accountant's words, so let him bear the
+responsibility--'then let the pint be doubled in the seventeenth square,
+and so on progressively. In the twentieth square it will become a waiba
+(peck), the waibas will then become an irdabb (bushel), and in the
+fortieth square we shall have one hundred and seventy-four thousand
+seven hundred and sixty-two irdabbs. Let us suppose this to be the
+contents of a corn store, and no corn store contains more than that;
+then in the fiftieth square we shall have the contents of one thousand
+and twenty-four stores; suppose these to be situated in one city--and no
+city can have more than that number of stores or even so many--we shall
+then find that the sixty-fourth and last square gives sixteen thousand
+three hundred and eighty-four cities. Now, you know that there is not in
+the world a greater number of cities than that, for geometry informs us
+that the circumference of the globe is eight thousand parasangs; so
+that, if the end of a cord were laid on any part of the earth, and the
+cord passed round it till both ends met, we should find the length of
+the cord to be twenty-four thousand miles, which is equal to eight
+thousand parasangs.' This demonstration is decisive and indubitable."
+
+Of Sissah I know no more, except that he was from India and that his
+game became popular. Up to the time of Ibn Khallikan, in the thirteenth
+century, its best player was one As-Suli, famous as an author and a
+convivialist, who died one hundred and twenty years before the Norman
+Conquest. "To play like As-Suli" was indeed a proverb. Among this
+proficient's friends was his pupil, the khalif Ar-Radi, who had the
+greatest admiration for As-Suli's genius. One day, for instance, walking
+with some boon companions through a garden filled with beautiful
+flowers, Ar-Radi asked them if they ever saw a finer sight. To this they
+replied, speaking as wise men speak to autocratic rulers, that nothing
+on earth could surpass it.
+
+The retort of the khalif must have given them the surprise of their
+lives. "You are wrong," said he: "As-Suli's manner of playing chess is
+yet a finer sight, and surpasses all you could describe!" So might we
+now refer to Hobbs on his day at the Oval, on a hard wicket, against
+fast bowling, with Surrey partisans standing four deep behind the seats,
+or to Stevenson nursing the balls from the middle pocket to the top
+left-hand pocket and then across to the right.
+
+One more anecdote of the Persian Steinitz, and I have done. I tell it
+because it rounds off this interlude with some symmetry by bringing us
+back to my own consultation of the encyclopædia at the beginning of it.
+As-Suli had a famous library of books in which he had jotted down the
+fruits of his various reading. When asked a question on any subject,
+instead of answering it he would tell his boy to bring such and such a
+volume in which the matter at issue was treated. This trait led to an
+epigram being written upon him by a rival scholar, Abu Said, to the
+effect that "of all men As-Suli possessed most learning--in his
+library." There are still men learned on the same terms, but, nowadays,
+we do not have to collect the information for ourselves but go to _The
+Times_ and Messrs. Chambers for it.
+
+
+XIII.--COURTESY AND JUSTICE
+
+Harun Ar-Raschid passing near Manbij with Abd Al-Malik Ibn Salih, who
+was the most elegant speaker of all the surviving descendants of
+Al-Abbas, observed a well-built country-seat and a garden full of trees
+covered with fruit, and asked to whom that property belonged.
+
+Abd Al-Malik replied: "To you, Commander of the Faithful! and then to
+me."
+
+This Abd Al-Malik was so famous, as a story-teller that a wise man said
+of him: "When I reflect that Abd Al-Malik's tongue must sooner or later
+moulder into dust, the world loses its value in my sight."
+
+Abu 'l-Amaithal, the poet, was also a most efficient courtier. As he
+kissed one day the hand of Abd Allah Ibn Tahir, that prince complained
+of the roughness of the poet's moustachios, whereupon he immediately
+observed that the spines of the hedgehog could not hurt the wrist of the
+lion. Abd Allah was so pleased with this compliment that he ordered him
+a valuable present.
+
+Another graceful compliment. Of Ishak Ibn Ibrahim Al-Mausili, who was
+famous for his voice and was a "constant companion of the khalifs in
+their parties of pleasure," the khalif Al-Motasim charmingly said:
+"Ishak never yet sang without my feeling as if my possessions were
+increased."
+
+Another compliment that goes still deeper. Abu Nuwas, in a lament
+composed on the death of the khalif Al-Amin, said of him: _His death was
+the only thing I feared, and now nothing remains for me to dread._
+
+These, however, were but speeches. Compliments may be conveyed also by
+deeds, as we find in the case of Imam Al-Haramain, who was so learned
+and acceptable a teacher that, at the moment of his death, his scholars,
+who were four hundred and one in number, broke their pens and inkhorns;
+and they let a full year pass over before they resumed their studies. Of
+these Persians we can believe in the sincerity; but the motives of
+English scholars performing a similar act of renunciation might be open
+to suspicion.
+
+Badi Az-Zaman Az-Hamadani was famous for his epistolary style. Here is a
+passage which, though written in Persia in the tenth century, might have
+aptness in English country houses at this moment: _When water has long
+remained at rest, its noxious qualities appear; and when its surface has
+continued tranquil, its foulness gets into motion. Thus it is with a
+guest: his presence is displeasing when his stay has been protracted,
+and his shadow is oppressive when the time for which he should sojourn
+is at an end. Adieu._
+
+The khalif Ali Ibn Ali Talib was a very just man. Some one having
+committed a theft was brought before him. "Bring me witnesses," said
+Ali, "to prove that he purloined the object out of the saddle-bag."
+
+Unmistakable evidence to that effect being given, Ali immediately
+ordered the fingers of his hand to be cut off.
+
+On this some person said to him: "Commander of the Faithful! why not cut
+it off by the wrist?"
+
+"God forbid!" exclaimed the khalif; "how could he then lean on his
+staff? How could he pray? How could he eat?"
+
+In the Life of Ibn Abd Al-Barr, a Traditionist of Cordova, who, "it is
+stated, died in the year 380 (A.D. 990), but God knows best," a number
+of good stories are collected. This is one. "It is related that, when
+Adam was sent out of Paradise and down to earth by Almighty God, the
+angel Gabriel went to him and said: 'O Adam! God here sends you three
+qualities, so that you may select one of them for yourself and leave the
+two others.'
+
+"'What are they?' said Adam.
+
+"Gabriel replied: 'Modesty, Piety, and Intelligence.'
+
+"'I choose Intelligence,' said Adam.
+
+"The angel then told Modesty and Piety to return to Heaven, because Adam
+had made choice of Intelligence.
+
+"They answered: 'We will not return.'
+
+"'How!' said he. 'Do you mean to disobey me?'
+
+"They replied: 'We do not, but our orders were, never to quit
+Intelligence wherever she might be.'"
+
+Another story showing how destructively effective may be the use of
+fairness--politeness with the buttons off--is of an Arab who, on being
+insulted copiously by a stranger, remained silent. To the question why
+he did not reply, he said: "I know not the man's vices and am unwilling
+to reproach him with defects he may not have."
+
+Two other anecdotes are of the famous jester, Al-Jammaz. The first tells
+how at Basra a man perceiving the new moon, which indicated the
+beginning of the month of fasting, Ramadan, pointed it out eagerly to
+his companions. "When the moon which indicates the end of the fast was
+nearly due, Al-Jammaz knocked at the door of this too officious person
+and said: 'Come! get up and take us out of the scrape into which you
+brought us.'"
+
+Al-Jammaz was delighted with the following example of his readiness.
+"One rainy morning," he said, "I was asked by my wife what was best to
+be done on such a day as that, and I answered: 'Divorcing a troublesome
+wife.' This stopped her mouth."
+
+Al-Mubarrad used frequently to recite these lines at his assemblies: _O
+you who, in sumptuous array, strut about like princes and scorn the
+hatred of the poor, know that the saddle-cloth changeth not the nature
+of the ass, neither do splendid trappings change the nature of the pack
+horse._
+
+When Al-Mubarrad died a poet wrote of him: _Behold the mansion of
+literature half-demolished, and destruction awaiting the remainder._
+That was in 899.
+
+To excuse himself for a want of social ceremony, Ibn Abi 's-Sakr, "an
+amateur of the belles-lettres," who died in 1105, composed these verses:
+_An indisposition called eighty years hinders me from rising to receive
+my friends; but when they reach an advanced age, they will understand
+and accept my excuse._
+
+Old age occurs also in a poem of Al-Otbi, who died in 842: _When Sulaima
+saw me turn my eyes away--and I turn my glances away from all who
+resemble her--she said: "I saw thee mad with love"; and I replied:
+"Youth is a madness of which old age is the cure."_ This phrase, says
+Ibn Khallikan, afterwards became a proverb. Most nations have anecdotes
+in which the idea occurs.
+
+The following anecdote of the kadi Shuraih, who was famous not only for
+his "great skill in distinguishing right from wrong" but also for his
+humour, is very pleasing. Adi Ibn Arta, who was blind, went to the
+kadi's house one day, and the following dialogue ensued:
+
+"Where are you, kadi? May God direct you!"
+
+"I am between you and the wall."
+
+"Listen to me."
+
+"I can hear very well."
+
+"I am a native of Syria."
+
+"It is a distant land."
+
+"And I have married a wife from your country."
+
+"May you live happily and have many children!"
+
+"And I wanted to take her on a journey."
+
+"Each man has the best right over his own family."
+
+"But I engaged not to remove her from her native place."
+
+"Engagements are binding."
+
+"Judge then between us."
+
+"I have already done so."
+
+"And against whom have you given it?"
+
+"Against your mother's son."
+
+"On whose evidence?"
+
+"On the evidence of your maternal aunt's sister's son."
+
+I find a similar quality--not un-Johnsonian--in the reply of At-Tirmidi
+the juriconsult to a question, as reported by Abu 't-Taiyib Ahmad Ibn
+Othman As-Simsar. "I was," said he, "at Abu Jaafar At-Tirmidi's when a
+person consulted him about the saying of the Prophet, that God descended
+to the heaven of the world (i.e. the lowest of the seven heavens). This
+person expressed his desire to know how there could, in that case, be
+anything more exalted than the lowest heaven?
+
+"At-Tirmidi replied: 'The descent is intelligible; the manner how is
+unknown; the belief therein is obligatory; and the asking about it is a
+blameable innovation.'"
+
+The kadi Yahya Ibn Aktham, although famous for his licentiousness, was
+orthodox to the marrow. It was he who said: "The _Koran_ is the word of
+God, and whoever says that it has been created by man should be invited
+to abandon that opinion; and if he do not, his head should be struck
+off."
+
+The following dialogue between Yahya and a man is very characteristic of
+dry Persian sagacity. The man began it, thus: "May God preserve you! How
+much should I eat?"
+
+Yahya replied: "Enough to get over hunger and not enough to attain
+satiety."
+
+"How long may I laugh?"
+
+"Till your face brightens, but without raising your voice."
+
+"How long should I weep?"
+
+"Weeping should never fatigue you, if it be through fear of God."
+
+"What actions of mine should I conceal?"
+
+"As many as you can."
+
+"What are the actions which I should do openly?"
+
+"Those which may serve as examples to good and virtuous men, whilst they
+secure you from public reprobation."
+
+On this the man exclaimed: "May God preserve us from words which abide
+when deeds have passed away!" It is possible that there were reserves of
+meaning in this final speech, for Yahya's surname Aktham signifies
+either "a corpulent man" or "sated with food."
+
+I have not borrowed much from Ibn Khallikan's heroics, but this is good.
+Al-Moizz having conquered Egypt, he entered Old Cairo. His pretensions
+to be a descendant of Ali had already been contested, and on his
+approach the people of the city went forth to meet him, accompanied by a
+band of sharifs, and Ibn Tabataba, who was one of the number, asked him
+from whom he drew his descent.
+
+To this question Al-Moizz replied: "We shall hold a sitting to which all
+of you shall be convened, and there we shall expose to you the entire
+chain of our genealogy."
+
+Being at length established in the castle of Cairo, he gave a public
+audience, as he had promised, and having taken his seat, he asked if any
+of their chiefs were still alive?
+
+"No," replied they, "not one of any consequence survives."
+
+He then drew his sword half-way out of the scabbard and exclaimed: "This
+is my genealogy! And here," said he, scattering a great quantity of gold
+among them, "are proofs of my nobility!"
+
+On this they all acknowledged him for their lord and master.
+
+
+XIV.--THE ASCETICS
+
+Of Bishr Ibn Al-Harith Al-Hafi, one of Baghdad's holiest ascetics, it is
+told that his choice of the life of saintliness thus came about.
+Happening to find on the road a leaf of paper with the name of God
+written on it, which had been trampled underfoot, he bought ghalia with
+some dirhems which he had about him, and, having perfumed the leaf with
+it, deposited it in a hole in a wall.
+
+Afterwards he had a dream, in which a voice seemed to say to him: "O
+Bishr! thou hast perfumed my name, and I shall surely cause thine to be
+a sweet odour both in this world and the next."
+
+When he awoke, he gave up the world, and turned to God.
+
+Bishr being once asked with what sauce he ate his bread, replied: "I
+think on good health, and I take that as my sauce."
+
+One of his prayers was this: "O, my God! deprive me of notoriety, if
+thou hast given it to me in this world for the purpose of putting me to
+shame in the next."
+
+It was a true saying of another famous ascetic, Al-Fudail, that, when
+God loves a man, He increases his afflictions, and when He hates a man,
+He increases his worldly prosperity.
+
+Asceticism, however, had not robbed him of human sympathy or warped his
+nature, for he said at another time: "For a man to be polite to his
+company and make himself agreeable to them is better than to pass nights
+in prayer and days in fasting."
+
+Abu Ali Ar-Razi said: "I kept company with Al-Fudail during thirty
+years, and I never saw him laugh or smile but on one occasion, and that
+was the death of his son. On my asking him the reason, he replied:
+'Whatever is pleasing to God is pleasing to me.'"
+
+Maruf Al-Karkhi, another celebrated saint, who died in Baghdad in 805,
+had a sensible elasticity. Passing, one day, by a water-carrier who was
+crying out: "God have mercy on him who drinketh!" he went up to him and
+took a drink, although he was at that time keeping a strict fast.
+
+Some one, horrified at the impiety, said to him: "Art thou not keeping a
+fast?"
+
+He replied: "Yes, I am, but I hoped for the fulfilment of that man's
+prayer."
+
+One of the sayings of Abd Al-Ala, a man of holy life, was this: "Buying
+what one does not require, is selling what one requires."
+
+Another pious man, Abu Othman Al-Mazini the grammarian, used to tell the
+following story against himself: "There was a person who, for a long
+time, studied under me the grammar of Sibawaih, and who said to me, when
+he got to the end of the book, 'May God requite you well! As for me, I
+have not understood a letter of it.'"
+
+Yahya, a celebrated preacher, on being asked by a descendant of the
+Prophet, "Tell me, Master! and may God assist you! what is your opinion
+of us who are the people of the house,"--that is to say, the members of
+Muhammad's family,--replied: "It is that which I would say of clay
+kneaded with the water of divine revelation and sprinkled with the water
+of the heavenly mission: can it give out any other odour than the musk
+of true direction and the ambergris of piety?"
+
+The Alide was so highly pleased with this answer that he filled Yahya's
+mouth with pearls.
+
+Yahya, who died on March 30, 872, had a very graceful turn for
+apophthegms. "True friendship," said he, "cannot be augmented by
+kindness nor diminished by unkindness." And again, he said: "To him who
+is going to see a true friend the way never appears long; he who goes
+to visit his beloved never feels lonely on the road."
+
+The exaltation of friendship is indeed one of the beautiful things about
+this book. And the reader can never have too much of it. Buri Taj
+Al-Muluk was, says Ibn Khallikan, merely a man of talent, but the
+following verse by him contains a perfectly splendid compliment: _My
+friend approached from the west, riding on a grey horse, and I
+exclaimed: "Glory to the Almighty! the sun has risen in the west!"_
+
+At-Tihami, the poet, one of whose poems, an elegy on the death of his
+son, brings ill-luck when quoted, wrote these admirable lines on the
+same theme: _In the company of noble-minded men there is always room for
+another. Friendship, it is true, renders difficulties easy: a house may
+be too small for eight persons, yet friendship will make it hold a
+ninth._
+
+
+XV.--A NIGHT SCENE
+
+The capriciousness of the moods of these sombre and terrible Eastern
+autocrats--the strange sentimental chinks in their armour--are seen in
+the very characteristic story which follows. "Secret information having
+been given to Al-Mutawakkil that the imam, Abu 'l-Hasan Al-Askari, had a
+quantity of arms, books, and other objects for the use of his followers
+concealed in his house, and being induced by malicious reports to
+believe that he aspired to the empire, he sent one night some soldiers
+of the Turkish guard to break in on him when he least expected such a
+visit.
+
+"They found him quite alone and locked up in his room, clothed in a
+hair-shirt, his head covered with a woollen cloak, and turned with his
+face in the direction of Mecca, chanting, in this attitude, some verses
+of the _Koran_ expressive of God's promises and threats, and having no
+other carpet between him and the earth than sand and gravel.
+
+"He was carried off in that attire and brought, in the depth of the
+night, before Al-Mutawakkil, who was then engaged in drinking wine. On
+seeing him, the khalif received him with respect, and being informed
+that nothing had been found in his house to justify the suspicions cast
+upon him, he seated him by his side and offered him the goblet which he
+held in his hand.
+
+"'Commander of the Faithful!' said Abu 'l-Hasan, 'a liquor such as that
+was never yet combined with my flesh and blood; dispense me therefore
+from taking it.'
+
+"The khalif acceded to his request, and then asked him to repeat some
+verses which might amuse him.
+
+"Abu 'l-Hasan replied that he knew by heart very little poetry; but
+Al-Mutawakkil having insisted, he recited these lines (which anticipate
+Poe's "Conqueror Worm" very thoroughly): _'They passed the night on the
+summits of the mountains, protected by valiant warriors; but their place
+of refuge availed them not. After all their pomp and power, they had to
+descend from their lofty fortresses to the custody of the tomb. O what a
+dreadful change! Their graves had already received them when a voice was
+heard exclaiming: "Where are the thrones, the crowns, and the robes of
+slate? Where are now the faces once so delicate, which were shaded by
+veils and protected by the curtains of the audience-hall?" To this
+demand, the tomb gave answer sufficient: "The worms," it said, "are now
+revelling upon those faces; long had these men been eating and drinking,
+but now they are eaten in their turn."'_
+
+"Every person present was filled with apprehension for Abu 'l-Hasan
+Ali's safety; they feared that Al-Mutawakkil, in the first burst of
+indignation, would have vented his wrath upon him; but they perceived
+the khalif weeping bitterly, the tears trickling down his beard, and all
+the assembly wept with him.
+
+"Al-Mutawakkil then ordered the wine to be removed, after which he said:
+'Tell me, Abu 'l-Hasan! are you in debt?'
+
+"'Yes,' replied the other, 'I owe four thousand dinars.'
+
+"The khalif ordered that sum to be given him, and sent him home with
+marks of the highest respect."
+
+
+XVI.--THE FAIR
+
+The book contains the lives of very few women; but one of the privileged
+of her sex is Buran, who died in 884. She became the wife of the khalif
+Al-Mamun, who, says Ibn Khallikan rather ungallantly, was "induced to
+marry her by the high esteem he bore her father." That her father, the
+vizier, saw no slight in this, but was not unwilling that his daughter
+should pass under the roof of another, we may perhaps gather from the
+lavishness of the wedding, which was celebrated at Fam As-Silh, with
+festivities and rejoicings, the like of which were never witnessed for
+ages before. The vizier's liberality went so far that he showered balls
+of musk upon the Hashimites, the commanders of the troops, the katibs,
+and the persons who held an eminent rank at court. Musk is an expensive
+thing in itself, but each of these balls contained a ticket, and the
+person into whose hands it fell, having opened it and read its contents,
+proceeded to an agent specially appointed for the purpose, from whom he
+received the object inscribed on the ticket, whether it was a farm or
+other property, a horse, a slave-girl, or a mameluk. The vizier then
+scattered gold and silver coins and eggs of amber among the rest of the
+people.
+
+Capricious generosity marked many of these rulers. Thus it is told of
+Ibn Bakiya, the vizier, that in the space of twenty days he distributed
+twenty thousand robes of honour. "I saw him one night at a drinking
+party," says Abu Ishak As-Sabi, "and, during the festivity, he changed
+frequently his outer dress according to custom: every time he put on a
+new pelisse, he bestowed it on one or other of the persons present; so
+that he gave away, in that sitting, upwards of two hundred pelisses.
+
+"A female musician then said to him: 'Lord of viziers! there must be
+wasps in these robes to prevent you from keeping them on your body!'
+
+"He laughed at this conceit, and ordered her a present of a casket of
+jewels."
+
+Another of the ladies whom Ibn Khallikan so seldom leaves his high road
+to notice is As-Saiyida Sukaina, who, however, could not well be
+excluded, since she was "the first among the women of her time [she died
+A.D. 735] by birth, beauty, wit, and virtue." Part of her fame rests
+upon her repartees to poets: a most desirable form of activity. Thus,
+Orwa had a brother called Abu Bakr, whose death he lamented in some
+extravagant verses of which these are the concluding lines: _My sorrow
+is for Bakr, my brother! Bakr has departed from me! What life can now be
+pleasing after the loss of Bakr?_
+
+When Sukaina heard these verses, she asked who was Bakr? And on being
+informed, she exclaimed: "What! that little blackamoor who used to run
+past us? Why, everything is pleasing after the loss of Bakr, even the
+common necessaries of life--bread and oil!"
+
+Another female intruder. It is told of Ibn As-Sammak, a pious sage and
+"professional relater of anecdotes," that having held a discourse one
+day in the hearing of his slave-girl, he asked her what she thought of
+it. She replied that it would have been good but for the repetitions.
+
+"But," said he, "I employ repetitions in order to make those understand
+who do not."
+
+"Yes," she replied, "and to make those understand who do not, you weary
+those who do."
+
+One of the sayings of Ibn As-Sammak was: "Fear God as if you had never
+obeyed Him, and hope in Him as if you had never disobeyed Him."
+
+
+XVII.--THE GREAT JAAFAR
+
+The father of the great Jaafar was Yahya the Barmekide, the friend and
+vizier of Harun Ar-Raschid. From this family Ibn Khallikan claimed
+descent. Yahya was "highly distinguished for wisdom, nobleness of mind,
+and elegance of language." One of his sayings was this: "Three things
+indicate the degree of intelligence possessed by him who does them: the
+bestowing of gifts, the drawing up of letters, and the acting as
+ambassador."
+
+Another: "Spend when Fortune turns toward you, for her bounty cannot
+then be exhausted; spend when she turns away, for she will not remain
+with you."
+
+He said also, very comfortingly: "The sincere intention of doing a good
+action and a legitimate excuse for not doing it are equivalent to its
+accomplishment."
+
+He died in 805, after long imprisonment by the illustrious khalif whose
+pleasure it had been to address him always as "My father."
+
+Such was Jaafar's parent. One of the greatest men in the whole work is
+Jaafar himself, called Jaafar the Barmekide, also vizier to Harun
+Ar-Raschid. Of his somewhat sardonic shrewdness this is a good example.
+Having learned that Ar-Raschid was much depressed in consequence of a
+Jewish astrologer having predicted to him that he would die within a
+year, he interviewed the Jew, who had been detained as a prisoner by the
+khalif's orders.
+
+Jaafar addressed him in these terms: "You pretend that the khalif is to
+die in the space of so many days?"
+
+"Yes," said the Jew.
+
+"And how long are you yourself to live?" said Jaafar.
+
+"So many years," replied the other, mentioning a great number.
+
+Jaafar then said to the khalif: "Put him to death, and you will be thus
+assured that he is equally mistaken respecting the length of your life
+and that of his own."
+
+This advice was followed by the khalif, who then thanked Jaafar for
+having dispelled his sadness.
+
+At the other extreme--though akin in sardonic humour--is this incident.
+It is related that one day, at Jaafar's, a beetle flew towards Abu Obaid
+the Thakefite, and that Jaafar ordered it to be driven away, when Abu
+Obaid said: "Let it alone; it may perhaps bring me good luck; such is at
+least the vulgar opinion."
+
+Jaafar on this ordered one thousand dinars to be given him, saying: "The
+vulgar opinion is confirmed."
+
+The beetle was then set at liberty, but it flew towards Abu Obaid a
+second time, and Jaafar ordered him another present of the same amount.
+
+Such was the affection the khalif felt for Jaafar that he caused a robe
+with two collars to be made which they could wear at the same time.
+
+Fickle, however, are princes, and Jaafar's end came in the usual way,
+through treachery. He was killed, by the khalif's orders, by Yasir.
+Yasir having put Jaafar to death, carried in his head and placed it
+before the khalif.
+
+The khalif looked at the head for some time, and then ordered Yasir to
+bring in two persons whom he named. When they came, he said to them:
+"Strike off Yasir's head, for I cannot bear the sight of Jaafar's
+murderer."
+
+
+XVIII.--LOVE AND LOVERS
+
+As I have said, these four great volumes are a mine from which many
+different metals may be extracted. My own researches having tended
+rather to a certain ironic quality, I have passed many lovers by; but
+let me make an exception or so. There is, for example, Kuthaiyr. In the
+account of this celebrated Arabian amorist, we come upon a very pretty
+story. Being once in the presence of Abd Al-Malik, this prince said to
+Kuthaiyr: "I conjure thee by the rights of Ali Abi Ibn Talib to inform
+me if thou ever sawest a truer lover than thyself."
+
+To this Kuthaiyr replied: "Commander of the Faithful! conjure me by your
+own rights, and I shall answer you."
+
+"Well," said the prince, "I conjure thee by my own rights; wilt thou not
+tell it to me now?"
+
+"Certainly," said Kuthaiyr; "I will. As I was travelling in a certain
+desert, I beheld a man who had just pitched his toils to catch game, and
+I said to him: 'Why art thou sitting here?' And he replied: 'I and my
+people are dying with hunger, and I have pitched these toils that I may
+catch something which may sustain our lives till to morrow.' 'Tell me,'
+said I, 'if I remain with thee and thou takest any game, wilt thou give
+me a share?' He answered that he would; and whilst we were waiting,
+behold, a gazelle got into the net. We both rushed forward; but he
+outran me, and having disentangled the animal, he let it go. 'What,'
+said I, 'could have induced thee to do so?' He replied: 'On seeing her
+so like my beloved Laila in the eyes, I was touched with pity.'"
+
+Little men who are disposed to envy the big on account of fair ladies
+may take comfort from Kuthaiyr, for although so ardent and successful,
+he was absurdly small: so short indeed that, when he went to visit Abd
+Al-Aziz Ibn Marwan, that prince used to banter him and say: "Stoop your
+head, lest you hurt it against the ceiling."
+
+He was called Rabb Ad-Dubab (the king of the flies) for the same reason.
+One of his contemporaries said: "I saw him making the circuits round the
+Kaaba; and if anyone tell you that his stature exceeded three spans,
+that person is a liar."
+
+Abu Omar Az-Zahid Al-Mutarriz, although he "ranked among the most
+eminent and the most learned of the philologers," and was famous for his
+"mortified life," could write love poems too. Here is one: _Overcome
+with grief, we stopped at As-Sarat one evening, to exchange adieus; and,
+despite of envious foes, we stood unsealing the packets of every
+passionate desire. On saying farewell, she saw me borne down by the
+pains of love, and consented to grant me a kiss; but, impelled by
+startled modesty, she drew her veil across her face. On this I said:
+"The full moon has now become a crescent." I then kissed her through the
+veil, and she observed: "My kisses are wine: to be tasted, they must be
+passed through the strainer."_ (It seems, however, from Ibn Khallikan's
+anxious dubiety on the matter, that this poem, after all, may have been
+written, like the Iliad, by another poet of the same name. God only
+knows.)
+
+Another Anacreontic, this time by Ibn Zuhr: _Whilst the fair ones lay
+reclining, their cheek pillowed on the arm, a hostile inroad of the dawn
+took us by surprise. I had passed the night in filling up their cups and
+drinking what they had left; till inebriation overcame me, and my lot
+was theirs also. The wine well knows how to avenge a wrong; I turned the
+goblet up, and that liquor turned me down._
+
+The poetry of love comprises, alas! also the poetry of despair. Here is
+an example by Ibn As-Sarraj, the grammarian: _I compared her beauty with
+her conduct, and found that her charms did not counterbalance her
+perfidy. She swore to me never to be false, but 'twas as if she had
+sworn never to be true. By Allah! I shall never speak to her again,
+even though she resembled in beauty the full moon, or the sun, or
+Al-Muktafi!_
+
+The inclusion of the khalif Al-Muktafi seems to have been an
+afterthought, added when the poet first saw him. Struck by his
+comeliness, he recited the poem to some companions and inserted his name
+at the end. The sequel is amusing and very characteristic. "Some time
+after, the katib Abu Abd Allah Muhammad Ibn Ismail Ibn Zenji repeated
+the verses to Abu 'l-Abbas Ibn Al-Furat, saying that they were composed
+by Ibn Al-Motazz, and Abu 'l-Abbas communicated them to the vizier
+Al-Kasim Ibn Obaid Allah. The latter then went to the khalif and recited
+the verses to him, adding that they were by Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah
+Ibn Tahir, to whom Al-Muktafi immediately ordered a present of one
+thousand dinars.
+
+"'How very strange,' said Ibi Zenji, 'that Ibn As-Sarraj should compose
+verses which were to procure a donation to Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah Ibn
+Tahir!'"
+
+Abu Bakr Ibn Aiyash, the Traditionist and scholar, discovered a remedy
+for lovers which is too simple, I fear, to commend itself to less
+philosophic Occidentals affected by the pains of longing. "I was
+suffering," he says, "from an anxious desire of meeting one whom I
+loved, when I called to mind the verse of Zu 'r-Rumma's: _Perhaps a flow
+of tears will give me ease from pain; perhaps it may cure a heart whose
+sole companion is sad thoughts._ On this I withdrew to a private place
+and wept, by which means my sufferings were calmed."
+
+
+XIX.--TO DISARM CRITICS
+
+And so we come to an end. And how can an author do better than to quote
+Ibn Khallikan's own concluding words, which, though written so long ago
+about a biographical dictionary, may be borrowed by all literary hands
+as palliation for whatever shortcomings their work may have?--"If any
+well-informed person remark, in examining this book, that it contains
+faults, he should not hasten to blame me, for I always aimed at being
+exact, as far as I could judge; and, besides, God has allowed no book to
+be faultless except His noble _Koran_."
+
+
+
+
+=DIVERSIONS=
+
+
+
+
+DIVERSIONS
+
+
+
+
+Nurses
+
+
+The conversation turning, as, round English fires, it often does, on the
+peculiarities of an old nurse of the family, I was struck again by the
+tenderness and kindness, shot through with humour, that are always
+evoked by this particular retrospective mood. I would even say that
+people are at their best when they are remembering their nurses. To
+recall one's parents is often to touch chords that vibrate too
+disturbingly; but these foster parents, chosen usually with such strange
+carelessness but developing often into true guardian angels, with good
+influences persisting through life--when, in reminiscent vein, we set
+them up, one against the other, can call from the speakers qualities
+that they normally may conspicuously lack. Quite dull people can become
+interesting and whimsical as their thoughts wander back through the
+years to the day when old Martha or old Jane, or whoever it was, moulded
+them and scolded them and broke the laws of grammar. Quite hard people
+can then melt a little. Quite stern people can smile.
+
+And quite funny people can become intensely funny, as I have melancholy
+reason to know, for, listening to these new anecdotes, I recalled the
+last occasion on which the fruitful theme of a Nanna's oddities had been
+developed; when the speaker was that fascinating athlete and gentleman,
+E. B., a gallant officer with a gift of mimicry as notable as his sense
+of fun and his depth of feeling, who, chiefly for the amusement of two
+children, but equally--or even more--to the delight of us older ones,
+not only gave us certain of his old nurse's favourite sayings, in her
+own voice, but reconstructed her features as he did so. All good mimicry
+astonishes and entertains me, and this was especially good, for it
+triumphed over the disabilities of a captain's uniform. Something very
+curious and pretty, and, through all our laughter, affecting, in the
+spectacle of this tall, commanding soldier painting with little loving
+comic touches the portrait of the old Malapropian lady with her heart of
+gold. That was a few short months ago, and to-day E. B. lies in a French
+grave.
+
+Malapropisms and old nurses are, of course, inseparable. Indeed, they
+formed again the basis of our talk the other evening, each of us having
+a new example to give, all drawn from memories of childhood. Wonderful
+how these quaint phrases stick--due, I suppose, to the fact that the
+child does not hear too much to confuse it, and when in this tenacious
+stage notices the sharp differences between the conversation of the
+literate, as encountered in the dining-room and drawing-room, and the
+much more amusing illiteracy below stairs. It will be a bad day for
+England when education is so prevalent that nursemaids have it too. Much
+less interesting will the backward look then become.
+
+How far forward we have moved in general social decency one realizes
+after listening to such conversations as I have hinted at, where respect
+and affection dominate, and then turning to some of the children's books
+of a century ago--the kind of book in which the parents are always
+right and made in God's image, and the children full of faults. In one
+of these I found recently a story of a little girl who, being rude and
+wilful with her maid, was rebuked by her kind and wise mamma in some
+such phrase as, "Although it has pleased the Almighty to set you and
+Sarah in such different positions, you have no right to be unjust to
+her."
+
+Reflecting upon how great a change has come upon the relation of
+employers and employed, and how much greater a change is in store, it
+seems to me that one of the good human kinds of book that does not at
+present exist, and ought to be made, would bring together between two
+covers some of the best servants in history, public and private, and
+possibly in literature too. Nurses first, because the nurse is so much
+more important a factor in family life, and because, to my mind, she has
+never had honour enough. I doubt if enough honour could be paid to her,
+but the attempt has not been sufficiently made. And to-day, of course,
+the very word as I am using it has only a secondary meaning. By "nurse"
+to-day we mean first a cool, smiling woman, with a white cap and
+possibly a red cross, ministering to the wounded and the sick. We have
+to think twice in order to evoke the guardian angel of our childhood,
+the mother's right hand, and often so much more real than the mother
+herself. I would lay special emphasis on the nurse who, beginning as a
+young retainer, develops into a friend and to the end of her days moves
+on parallel lines with the family, even if she is not still of it. These
+old nurses, the nurses of whom the older we grow the more tenderly and
+gratefully we think--will no one give them a book of praise? I should
+love to read it. And there should not be any lack of material--with
+Stevenson's Alison Cunningham by no means last on the list.
+
+But if on examination the material proved too scanty, then the other
+devoted servants might come in too, such as Sir Walter Scott's Tom
+Purdie, who should have a proud place, and that wonderful gardener of
+the great Dumas, whose devotion extended to confederacy.
+
+Without Dumas' gardener, indeed, no book in honour of the fidelity of
+man to man could be complete. For just think of it! The only approach to
+the house of the divine Alexandre being by way of a wooden bridge, this
+immortal tender of flowers and vegetables so arranged the planks that
+any undesired caller bearing a writ or long-overdue account would fall,
+all naturally and probably through his own confused carelessness, into
+the river; and, on being pulled out and restored to happy life, would
+not only abandon the horrid purpose of his visit, but, gratitude
+prompting, be generous enough to go at least part of the way towards
+paying the gardener's wages, which otherwise that resourceful benefactor
+might never obtain.
+
+On a place in the volume for this exemplary character, I insist. But, as
+I say, nurses first.
+
+
+
+
+No. 344260
+
+
+Coming, the other day, after every kind of struggle, at last into
+possession of one of the new pound notes, I was interested in placing it
+quickly under the microscope, so to speak, in order that, in case I
+never saw another, I should be able to describe it to my grandchildren.
+How indigent I have been may be gathered from the circumstance that this
+note, being numbered 344260, had three hundred and forty-four thousand
+two hundred and fifty-nine predecessors which had eluded me.
+
+As a work of art it is remarkable--almost, indeed, a gallery in itself,
+comprising as it does portraiture, design, topography, and the
+delineation of one of the most spirited episodes in religious history.
+After the magic words "One Pound," it is, of course, to St. George and
+the Dragon that the eye first turns. What Mr. Ruskin would say of the
+latest version of the encounter between England's tutelary genius and
+his fearsome foe, one can only guess; but I feel sure that he would be
+caustic about the Saint's grip on his spear. To get its head right
+through the dragon's chest--taking, as it has done, the longest possible
+route--and out so far on the other side, would require more vigour and
+tension than is suggested by the casual way in which the thumb rests on
+the handle. Dragons' necks and bosoms are, I take it, not only scaly
+without but of a sinewy consistency within that is by no means easy to
+penetrate, and in this particular case the difficulty must have been
+increased by the creature's struggles, which, the artist admits, bent
+the spear very noticeably. None the less, the Saint's hold is most
+delicate, and his features are marked by the utmost placidity.
+
+As a matter of fact, the Saint is not sufficiently armed on our £1
+notes; for in real life, and particularly when he rode out on the Libyan
+plain to do battle with the dragon, he had a sword as well as a spear.
+But he could not have had both if he were dressed as the Treasury artist
+dresses him, unless he carried the sword between his teeth; which he is
+not doing. There is no better authority than _The Golden Legend_, and
+_The Golden Legend_ (in the translation of Master William Caxton)
+testifieth thus: "Then as they [St. George and the King's daughter, whom
+the dragon desired,] spake together, the dragon appeared and came
+running to them, and St. George was upon his horse, and drew out his
+sword and garnished him with the sign of the cross, and rode hardily
+against the dragon which came towards him, and smote him with his spear
+[spear, now, take notice], and hurt him sore and threw him to the
+ground." The absence of the sword is one error that never ought to have
+gained currency. Another is the grievousness of the wound which is
+depicted; for in real life the wound was so slight, although sufficient,
+that the King's daughter--but let Master Caxton continue, for he writeth
+better than I ever shall. Having conquered the foe, St. George,
+according to _The Golden Legend_, "said to the maid: 'Deliver to me your
+girdle, and bind it about the neck of the dragon, and be not afeard.'
+When she had done so, the dragon followed her as it had been a meek
+beast and debonair." It was later, and not until St. George had
+baptized the King and all his people (which was his reward), that he
+smote off the dragon's head.
+
+To my mind _The Golden Legend_ is too gentle with this contest. I like a
+real fight, and here one is almost as much defrauded as in the story of
+David and Goliath. In treating the victory over the dragon with equal
+lightness, perhaps the Treasury artist, even though he has not followed
+the authority closely enough in other ways, is justified; but he should
+have read the text more carefully, for no one can pretend that a dragon
+so drastically perforated as this one could follow a princess into the
+city. Indeed, it is such a _coup de grâce_ as no self-respecting and
+determined dragon, furnished with wings, inflammable breath, and all the
+usual fittings, would have submitted itself to. Because, given wings,
+neither of which is broken, how would it have allowed itself to come
+into that posture at all?
+
+Saints, however, must be saints; and their adversaries know this.
+
+It was only, as I have said, with incredible difficulties that I could
+get this pound note to study; imagine, then, what pains and subterfuges
+were, in 1917, necessary in order to obtain the loan of a sovereign with
+which to compare the golden rendering of the same conflict. Eventually,
+however, I was successful, and one of the precious discs passed
+temporarily into my keeping. It lies beside No. 344260 on the table as I
+write. In this treatment--Mr. Ruskin's strictures upon which are
+familiar--one is first struck by the absurdity of the Saint's weapon: a
+short dagger with which he could never do any damage at all, unless
+either he fell off his horse or the dragon obligingly rose up to meet
+the blow. Fortunately, however, the horse has powerful hoofs, and one of
+these is inflicting infinite mischief. Other noticeable peculiarities of
+the sovereign's rendering are the smallness of the horse's head and the
+length of St. George's leg. The total effect, in spite of blemishes, is
+more spirited than that of No. 344260, but both would equally fill a
+Renaissance Florentine medallist with gloom.
+
+So much for the St. Georges and the Dragons of Treasury artists. But
+when it comes to No. 344260's portrait of Mr. John Bradbury, Secretary
+to the Treasury, over his facsimile autograph, in green ink, I have no
+fault to find. This is a strong profile treatment, not a little like the
+King, and I am glad to have seen it. One likes to think of regal
+features and tonsorial habits setting a fashion. Mr. John Bradbury does
+well and loyally to resemble as closely as he can his royal master.
+
+Having reached this point, I turned No. 344260 over and examined the
+back, which represents the Houses of Parliament as seen from Lambeth.
+There are three peculiarities about this picture. One is that all the
+emphasis is laid--where of late we have not been in the habit of looking
+for it--on the House of Lords; another is that Parliament is not
+sitting, for the Victoria Tower is without its flag; and the third is
+that Broad Sanctuary has been completely eliminated, so that the Abbey
+and the Victoria Tower form one building. No doubt to the fortunate
+persons through whose hands one pound notes pass, such awful symbolism
+conveys a sense of England's greatness and power; but I think it would
+be far more amusing if the back had been left blank, in case some later
+Robbie Burns (could this decadent world ever know so fine a thing
+again) wished to write another lament on it:
+
+    For lack o' thee I've lost my lass,
+    For lack o' thee I scrimp my glass.
+
+Or, if not blank, thirty (say) spaces might be ruled on it, in which the
+names of its first thirty owners could be written. By the time the
+spaces were filled it would be a document historically valuable now and
+then to autograph collectors. It would also be dirty enough to call in.
+
+
+
+
+The Two Perkinses
+
+
+Walking in the garden in the cool of the July evening, I was struck
+afresh by the beauty of that climbing rose we call Dorothy Perkins, and
+by her absolute inability to make a mistake. There are in this garden
+several of these ramblers, all heritages from an earlier tenant and all
+very skilfully placed: one over an arch, one around a window, and three
+or four clambering up fir posts on which the stumps of boughs remain;
+and in every case the rose is flowering more freely than ever before,
+and has arranged its blossoms, leaves, and branches with an exquisite
+and impeccable taste. Always lovely, Dorothy Perkins is never so lovely
+as in the evening, just after the sun has gone, when the green takes on
+a new sobriety against which her gay and tender pink is gayer and more
+tender. "Pretty little Dolly Perkins!" I said to myself involuntarily,
+and instantly, by the law of association--which, I sometimes fondly
+suppose, is more powerful with me than with many people--I began to
+think of another evening, twenty and more years ago, when for the first
+time I heard the most dainty of English comic songs sung as it should
+be, with the first words of the chorus accentuated like hammer blows in
+unison:
+
+    For--she--was--as--
+
+and then tripping merrily into the rest of it:
+
+    --beautiful as a butterfly,
+      As fair as a queen,
+    Was pretty little Polly Perkins
+      Of Paddington Green.
+
+It is given to most of us--not always without a certain wistful
+regret--to recall the circumstances under which we first heard our
+favourite songs; and on the evening when I met "Pretty Polly Perkins" I
+was on a tramp steamer in the Mediterranean, when at last the heat had
+gone and work was over and we were free to be melodious. My own position
+on this boat was nominally purser, at a shilling a month, but in reality
+passenger, or super-cargo, spending most of the day either in reading
+or sleeping. The second engineer, a huge Sussex man, whose favourite
+theme of conversation with me was the cricket of his county, was, it
+seemed, famous for this song; and that evening, as we sat on a skylight,
+he was suddenly withdrawn from a eulogy of the odd ways and deadly
+left-handers of poor one-eyed "Jumper" Juniper (whom I had known
+personally, when I was a small school-boy, in a reverential way) to give
+the company "Pretty Polly Perkins." In vain to say that he was busy,
+talking to me; that he was dry; that he had no voice. "Pretty Polly
+Perkins" had to be sung, and he struck up without more ado:
+
+    I'm a broken-hearted milkman,
+      In woe I'm arrayed,
+    Through keeping the company of
+      A young servant maid--
+
+and so forth. And then came the chorus, which has this advantage over
+all other choruses ever written, that the most tuneless singer on earth
+(such as myself) and the most shamefaced (I am autobiographical again)
+can help to swell, at any rate, the notable opening of it, and thus
+ensure the success of the rest.
+
+That evening, as I say, was more than twenty years ago, and I had
+thought in the interval little enough of the song until the other pretty
+Perkins suggested it; but I need hardly say that the next day came a
+further reminder of it (since that is one of the queer rules of life) in
+the shape of a Chicago weekly paper with the information that America
+knows "Pretty Polly Perkins" too.
+
+The ballads of a nation for the most part respect their nationality, but
+now and then there is free trade in them. It has been so with "Pretty
+Polly Perkins"; for it seems that, recognizing its excellence, an
+American singer prepared, in 1864, a version to suit his own country,
+choosing, as it happens, not New York or Washington as the background of
+the milkman's love drama, but the home of Transatlantic culture itself,
+Boston. Paddington Green would, of course, mean nothing to American
+ears, but Boston is happy in the possession of a Pemberton Square, which
+may, for all I know, be as important to the Hub of the Universe as
+Merrion Square is to Dublin, and Polly was, therefore, made comfortable
+there, and, as Pretty Polly Perkins of Pemberton Square, became as
+famous as, in our effete hemisphere, Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington
+Green. The adaptor deserves great credit for altering as little as
+possible. Beyond Polly's abode, and the necessary rhymes to mate with
+Square, he did nothing, so that the song, while transplanted to America,
+remained racy of the English capital. It was still the broken-hearted
+milkman who sang it, and the _dénouement_, which is so very
+English--and, more than English, Cockney--was unaltered:
+
+    In six months she married,
+      That hard-hearted girl;
+    It was not a squire,
+      And it was not a nearl.
+    It was not a baronet,
+      But a shade or two wuss--
+    'Twas the wulgar old driver
+      Of a twopenny 'bus.
+
+But the story of Polly is nothing. The merit of the song is its air, the
+novelty and ingenuity of its chorus, and the praises of Polly which the
+chorus embodies. The celebration of charming women is never out of date.
+Some are sung about in the Mediterranean, some in Boston, and some all
+the world over; others give their names to roses.
+
+So far had I written--and published--in a weekly paper, leaving open a
+loophole or two for kind and well-instructed readers to come to my aid;
+and as usual (for I am very fortunate in these matters) they did so.
+Before I was a month older I knew all. I knew that the author, composer,
+and singer of "Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington Green" were one and
+the same: the famous Harry Clifton; and that Polly married "not the
+wulgar old driver" of a twopenny 'bus, as was my mistaken belief, but
+quite the reverse--that is to say, the "bandy-legged conductor" of the
+same vehicle. A gentleman in Ireland was even so obliging as to send me
+another ballad by Harry Clifton, on the front of which is his portrait
+and on the back a list of his triumphs--and they make very startling
+reading, at any rate to me, who have never been versatile. The number of
+songs alone is appalling: no fewer than thirty to which he had also put
+the music and over fifty to which the music was composed by others, but
+which with acceptance he sang. Judging by the titles and the first
+lines, which in the advertisement are always given, these songs of the
+sixties were very much better things than most of the songs of our
+enlightened day. They seem to have had character, a humorous
+sententiousness, and a genial view of life. And judging by his portrait
+on the cover, Harry Clifton was a kindly, honest type of man, to whom
+such accessories of the modern comic singer's success as the
+well-advertised membership of a night club, or choice of an expensive
+restaurant, were a superfluity.
+
+Having read these letters and the list of songs, I called on a friend
+who was at that moment lying on a bed of sickness, from which, alas! he
+never rose--the late George Bull, the drollest raconteur in London and
+one of the best of men, who, so far as I am concerned, carried away with
+him an irreplaceable portion of the good humour of life; and I found
+that the name of Harry Clifton touched more than one chord. He had heard
+Harry Clifton sing. As a child, music-halls were barred to him, but
+Harry Clifton, it seems, was so humane and well-grounded--his
+fundamentals, as Dr. Johnson would say, were so sound--that he sang also
+at Assembly Rooms, and there my friend was taken, in his tender years,
+by his father, to hear him. There he heard the good fellow, who was
+conspicuously jolly and most cordially Irish, sing several of his great
+hits, and in particular "A Motto for Every Man," "Paddle Your Own
+Canoe," and "Lannigan's Ball" (set to a most admirable jig tune which
+has become a classic), one phrase from which was adopted into the Irish
+vernacular as a saying: "Just in time for Lannigan's ball." Clifton
+might indeed be called the Tom Moore of his day, with as large a public,
+although not quite so illigant a one. For where Moore warbled to the
+ladies, Clifton sang to the people. Such a ballad as that extolling the
+mare of Pat of Mullingar must have gone straight to the hearts of the
+countrymen of Mr. Flurry Knox:
+
+    They may talk of Flying Childers,
+      And the speed of Harkaway,
+    Till the fancy it bewilders
+      As you list to what they say.
+    But for rale blood and beauty,
+      You may travel near and far--
+    The fastest mare you'll find belongs
+      To Pat of Mullingar.
+
+An old lady in Dublin who remembers Clifton singing this song tells me
+that the chorus, "So we'll trot along O," was so descriptive, both in
+words and music, that one had from it all the sensations of a "joult."
+
+Harry Clifton seems to have had three distinct lines--the comic song, of
+which "Pretty Polly Perkins" may be considered the best example; the
+Irish song; and the Motto song, inculcating a sweet reasonableness and
+content amid life's many trials and tribulations. Although, no doubt,
+such optimism was somewhat facile, it cannot be denied that a little
+dose of silver-lining advice, artfully concealed in the jam of a good
+tune and a humorous twist of words, does no harm and may have a
+beneficial effect. The chorus of "A Motto for Every Man," for example,
+runs thus:
+
+    We cannot all fight in this battle of life,
+      The weak must go to the wall.
+    So do to each other the thing that is right,
+      For there's room in this world for us all.
+
+An easy sentiment; but sufficient people in the sixties were attracted
+by it to flock to hear Harry Clifton all over England and Ireland, and
+it is probable that most came away with momentarily expanded bosoms, and
+a few were stimulated to follow its precepts.
+
+Looking down this remarkable list of titles and first lines--which may
+be only a small portion of Harry Clifton's output--I am struck by his
+cleanliness and sanity. His record was one of which he might well be
+proud, and I think that old Fletcher of Saltoun, who had views on the
+makers of a nation's ballads, would probably have clapped him on the
+back.
+
+Another thing. If many of the tunes to these songs are as good as that
+to "Polly Perkins," Harry Clifton's golden treasury should be worth
+mining. The songs of yesterday, when revived, strike one as being very
+antiquated, and the songs of the day before yesterday also rarely bear
+the test; but what of the songs of the sixties? Might their melodies not
+strike freshly and alluringly on the ear to-day? Another, and to-day a
+better known, Harry--Harry Lauder--whose tunes are always good, has
+confided to an interviewer that he finds them for the most part in old
+traditional collections, and gives them new life. He is wise. John
+Stuart Mill's fear that the combinations of the notes of the piano might
+be used up was probably fantastic, but the arrival of the luckless day
+would at any rate be delayed if we revived tunes that were old enough
+for that process; and why should not the works of Harry Clifton be
+examined for the purpose? But perhaps they have been....
+
+And then we come back to the marvel, to me, of the man's variousness. I
+can plead guilty to having written the words of a dozen songs or so in
+as many years, but to put two notes of music together is beyond me, and
+to sing anything in tune would be an impossibility, even if I had the
+assurance to stand up in public for that purpose. Yet Harry Clifton,
+who, in the picture on the cover of the song which the gentleman in
+Ireland sent me, does not look at all like some brazen lion comiques,
+not only could sing acceptably but write good words and good music. I
+hope he grew prosperous, although there is some evidence that his native
+geniality was also a stumbling-block. Your jolly good fellows so often
+are the victims of their jolly goodness. Nor had the palmy days of comic
+singing then begun. There were then no £300 a week bribes to lure a
+comic singer into _revue_; but the performers, I guess, were none the
+worse for receiving a wage more in accordance with true proportion. I
+say true proportion, because I shall never feel it right that
+music-hall comedians should receive a bigger salary than a Prime
+Minister; at least, not until they sing better songs and take a finer
+view of life in their "patter" than most of them now do.
+
+
+
+
+Arts of Invasion
+
+
+All people living in the country are liable to be asked if they do not
+know of "some nice little place that would just suit us." "For
+week-ends, chiefly"--the inquirer usually adds. "A kind of
+_pied-à-terre_, you know"--the inquirer always adds.
+
+Cautious, self-protective people answer no. Foolish, gregarious people
+actually try to help.
+
+Addressing that large and growing class, the _pied-à-terre_ hunters, not
+as a potential neighbour, but as a mere counsellor and very platonic
+friend, I would say that I have recently discovered two ways of
+acquiring country places, both of which, although no doubt neither is
+infallible, have from time to time succeeded.
+
+It was at the end of a fruitless day on the same quest that I hit upon
+the first. After tramping many miles in vain, I was fortunate in getting
+a fly at the village inn to drive me to the nearest station. I don't
+say I had seen nothing I liked, but nothing that was empty. As a matter
+of fact, I had seen one very charming place, but every window had a
+curtain in it and the chimneys were sending up their confounded smoke.
+In other words, it was, to use one of the most offensive words in the
+language, occupied. Hence I was in a bad temper. None the less, when a
+little man in black suddenly appeared before me and begged to be allowed
+to share my cab (and its fare), I agreed. He began to talk at once, and
+having disposed of the weather and other topics on which one can be
+strictly and politely neutral, he said that his business took him a good
+deal into unfamiliar places.
+
+Being aware that he wished it, I asked him what his business was.
+
+"I'm an unsettler," he said.
+
+"An unsettler?"
+
+"Yes. It's not a profession that we talk much about, because the very
+essence of it is secrecy, but it's genuine enough, and there are not a
+few of us. Of course, we do other things as well, such as insurance
+agency, but unsettling pays best."
+
+"Tell me about it," I said.
+
+"Well," he explained, "it's like this. Say you are thinking of moving
+and you want another house. You can't find an empty one that you like,
+of course. No one can. But you differ from other persons in being
+unwilling to make a compromise. You will either wait till you find one
+that you do like, or you will go without. Meanwhile you see plenty of
+occupied houses that you like, just as every one else does. But you
+differ from other persons in being unwilling to believe that you can't
+have what you want. Do you follow me?"
+
+Naturally I followed him minutely, because he was describing my own
+case.
+
+"Very well, then," he continued. "This makes the unsettler's
+opportunity. You return to the agent and tell him that the only house
+you liked is (say) a white one at East Windles.
+
+"'It was not one on your list,' you say; 'in fact, it was occupied. It
+is the house on the left, in its own grounds, just as you enter the
+village. There is a good lawn, and a wonderful clipped yew hedge.'
+
+"'Oh yes,' says the agent, 'I know it: it used to be the Rectory.'
+
+"'Who lives there?' you ask.
+
+"'An old lady named Burgess,' says the agent--'Miss Burgess.'
+
+"'Would she leave?' you ask.
+
+"'I should very much doubt it,' says the agent, 'but I could, of course,
+sound her.'
+
+"'I'll give you twenty-five pounds,' you say, 'if you can induce her to
+quit.' And off you go.
+
+"It is then that the unsettler comes in. The agent sends for me and
+tells me the story; and I get to work. The old lady has got to be
+dislodged. Now what is it that old ladies most dislike? I ask myself. It
+depends, of course; but on general principles a scare about the water is
+safe, and a rumour of ghosts is safe. The water-scare upsets the
+mistress, the ghost-scare upsets the maids; and when one can't get
+maids, the country becomes a bore. As it is, she had the greatest
+difficulty in keeping them, because there's no cinema near.
+
+"Very well, then. Having decided on my line of action, I begin to spread
+reports--very cautiously, of course, but with careful calculation, and
+naturally never appearing myself; and gradually, bit by bit, Miss
+Burgess takes a dislike to the place. Not always, of course. Some
+tenants are most unreasonable. But sooner or later most of them fall to
+the bait, and you get the house. That's my profession."
+
+"Well," I said, "I think it's a blackguard one."
+
+"Oh, sir!" he replied. "Live and let live."
+
+"It's funny, all the same," I added, "that I should have run across you,
+because I've been looking for a house for some time, and the only one I
+liked was occupied."
+
+He pulled out a pocket-book. "Yes?" he said, moistening his pencil.
+
+But that is enough of him.
+
+So much for my first way, which, as I happen to know, has succeeded, at
+any rate once. Now for the other, which is less material. In fact, some
+people might call it supernatural.
+
+I was telling a lady about my friend the unsettler and his methods; but
+she did not seem to be in the least impressed.
+
+"All very well," she said; "but there's a more efficient and more
+respectable way than that. And," she added, with a significant glance at
+her husband and not without triumph, "I happen to know."
+
+She sat at the dinner-table in the old farm-house--"modernized," as the
+agents have it, "yet redolent of old-world charm." By modernized they
+mean that the rightful occupiers--the simple agriculturists--had gone
+for ever, and well-to-do artistic Londoners had made certain changes to
+fit it for a week-end retreat. In other words, it had become a
+_pied-à-terre_. Where the country folk for whom all these and smaller
+cottages were built now live, who shall say? Probably in mean streets;
+anyway, not here. The exterior remains often the same, but inside,
+instead of the plain furniture of the peasantry, one finds wicker
+arm-chairs and sofa-chairs, all the right books and weekly papers, and
+cigarettes.
+
+This particular farm-house was charming. An ingle-nook, Heal furniture,
+old-pattern cretonnes and chintzes, an etching or two, a Japanese print
+or two, a reproduction of a John, the poems of Mr. Masefield and Rupert
+Brooke, a French novel, the _New Statesman_, and where once had been a
+gun-rack a Della Robbia Madonna.
+
+"It's delightful," I said; adding, as one always does: "How _did_ you
+get to hear of it?"
+
+"Hearing of it wasn't difficult," she said, "because we'd known about it
+for years. The trouble was to get it."
+
+"It wasn't empty, then?" I replied.
+
+"No. There was a Mr. Broom here. We asked him if he wanted to go, and he
+said No. We made him an offer, and he refused. He was most
+unreasonable." (It was the same word that the unsettler had used.)
+
+I agreed: "Most."
+
+"So there was nothing for it but to will his departure."
+
+"Will?"
+
+"Yes. Concentrate our thoughts on his giving notice, and invite our
+friends to do the same. I wrote scores of letters all round, impressing
+this necessity, this absolute, sacred duty, on them. I asked them to
+make a special effort on the night of March 18th, at eleven o'clock,
+when we should all be free. It sounds rather dreadful, but I always hold
+that the people who want a house most are best fitted to have it. One
+can't be too nice in such matters."
+
+"Well?" I asked.
+
+"Well, you'll hardly believe it--and I shan't be a bit vexed if you
+don't--but on the morning of the 20th of March I had a letter from Mr.
+Broom saying that he had decided to leave, and we could have the first
+call on his house. It was too wonderful. I don't mind confessing that I
+felt a little ashamed. I felt it had been too easy."
+
+"It is certainly a dangerous power," I said.
+
+"Well," she continued, "I hurried round to see him before he could
+change his mind. 'Do you really want to leave?' I asked him. 'Yes,' he
+said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Well,' he said, 'I can't tell you why. I don't
+know. All I know is that all of a sudden I have got tired and feel
+vaguely that I want a change. I am quite sure I am making a mistake and
+I'll never find so good a place; but there it is: I'm going.' I assure
+you I felt for a moment inclined to back out altogether and advise him
+to stay on. I was even half disposed to tell him the truth; but I pulled
+myself together. And--well, here we are!"
+
+"It's amazing," I said. "You must either have very strong-minded
+friends, or the stars have played very oddly into your hands, or both."
+
+"Yes," she said; "but there's a little difficulty. One has to be so
+careful in this life."
+
+"One has," I fervently agreed. "But what is it?"
+
+"Some of my friends," she explained, "didn't quite play the game.
+Instead of willing, as I explicitly indicated, that our Mr. Broom should
+leave the Manor Farm, they willed merely that Mr. Broom should leave his
+house, and the result is that all kinds of Mr. Brooms all over the
+country have been giving notice. I heard of another only this morning.
+In fact, our Mr. Broom's brother was one of them. It's a very perilous
+as well as a useful gift, you see. But we've got the farm, and that's
+the main thing."
+
+She smiled the smile of a conqueror.
+
+"But," remarked another of the guests, who had told us that she was
+looking for a _pied-à-terre_, "there's a catch somewhere, isn't there?
+Don't you see any weak point?"
+
+Our hostess smiled less confidently. "How?" she asked uneasily.
+
+"Well," the guest continued, "suppose.... It couldn't, I mean, be in
+better hands. For the moment. But suppose some one else wanted it? Take
+care. Willing is a game that two can play at."
+
+"You don't mean----?" our hostess faltered.
+
+"I do, most certainly," the guest replied. "Directly I go away from here
+I shall make a list of my most really obstinate, pushful friends to help
+me."
+
+"But that would be most unfair," said our hostess.
+
+"No one is fair when hunting the _pied-à-terre_," I reminded her.
+
+
+
+
+The Marble Arch and Peter Magnus
+
+
+Finding myself (not often in London on the day that comes so mercifully
+between the Saturday and Monday) beside the enisled Marble Arch, I spent
+half an hour in listening to the astonishing oratory that was going on
+there. Although I had not done this for many, many years, there was so
+little change in the proceedings that I gained a new impression of
+perpetual motion. The same--or to all intents and purposes the
+same--leather lungs were still at it, either arraigning the Deity or
+commending His blessed benefactions. As invariably of old, a Hindu was
+present; but whether he was the Hindu of the Middle Ages or a new Hindu,
+I cannot say. One proselytizing Hindu is strangely like another. His
+matter was familiar also. The only novelty that I noticed was a little
+band of American evangelists (America being so little in need of
+spiritual assistance that these have settled in London) in the attire
+more or less of the constabulary of New York, the spokesman among whom,
+at the moment I joined his audience, was getting into rather deep water
+in an effort to fit the kind of halo acceptable to modern evangelicals
+on the head of Martin Luther.
+
+As I passed from group to group, with each step a certain inevitable
+question grew more insistent upon a reply; and so, coming to one of
+London's founts of wisdom and knowledge, I put it to him. "I suppose," I
+said, indicating the various speakers with a semicircular gesture, "they
+don't do all this for nothing?" The policeman closed one eye. "Not
+they," he answered; "they've all got sympathizers somewhere."
+
+Well, live and let live is a good maxim, thought I, and there surely
+never was such a wonderful world as this, and so I came away; and it was
+then that something occurred which (for everything so far has been sheer
+prologue) led to these remarks. I was passing the crowd about one of the
+gentlemen--the more brazenly confident one--who deny the existence of a
+beneficent Creator, when the words, "Looking like a dying duck in a
+thunderstorm," clanged out, followed by a roar of delighted laughter;
+and in a flash I remembered precisely where I was when, forty and more
+years ago, I first heard from a nursemaid that ancient simile and was so
+struck by its humour that I added it to my childish repertory. And from
+this recollection I passed on to ponder upon the melancholy truth that
+originality will ever be an unpopular quality. For here were two or
+three hundred people absolutely and hilariously satisfied with such a
+battered and moth-eaten phrase, even to-day, and perfectly content that
+the orator should have so little respect either for himself or for them
+that he saw no disgrace in thus evading his duty and inventing something
+new.
+
+But was that his duty? That was my next thought; and a speech by that
+eternally veracious type whom Mr. Pickwick met at Ipswich, and who, for
+all his brief passage across the stage of literature, is more real than
+many a prominent hero of many chapters, came to mind to answer it. I
+refer to Mr. Peter Magnus, who, when Mr. Pickwick described Sam Weller
+as not only his servant and almost friend, but an "original," replied in
+these deathless words: "I am not fond of anything original; I don't like
+it; don't see any necessity for it." And that's just it. The tribe of
+Magnus is very large; it doesn't like originality, and doesn't see any
+necessity for it--which, translated into the modern idiom, would run
+"has no use for it." Hence the freethinker was right, and the longer he
+continues to repose his faith in ancient comic _clichés_ the greater
+will be his success.
+
+And then I thought for the millionth time what an awful mistake it is to
+be fastidious. Truly wise people--and by wisdom I mean an aggregation of
+those qualities and acceptances and compromises that make for a fairly
+unruffled progress through this difficult life--truly wise people are
+not fastidious. They are easily pleased, they are not critical, and--and
+this is very important--they allow of no exceptions among human beings.
+Originals bore them as much as they did Mr. Magnus. One of the astutest
+men that I know has achieved a large measure of his prosperity and
+general contentment by behaving always as though all men were alike.
+Because, although of course they are not alike, the differences are too
+trifling to matter. He flatters each with the same assiduity and
+grossness, with the result that they all become his useful allies. Those
+that do not swallow the mixture, and resent it, he merely accuses of
+insincerity or false modesty; yet they are his allies too, because,
+although they cannot accept his methods, being a little uncertain as to
+whether his intentions may not have been genuinely kind, or his judgment
+honestly at fault, they give him the benefit of the doubt.
+
+
+
+
+The Oldest Joke
+
+
+Many investigators have speculated as to the character of the first
+joke; and as speculation must our efforts remain. But I personally have
+no doubt whatever as to the subject-matter of that distant pleasantry:
+it was the face of the other person involved. I don't say that Adam was
+caustic about Eve's face or Eve about Adam's: that is improbable. Nor
+does matrimonial invective even now ordinarily take this form. But after
+a while, after cousins had come into the world, the facial jest began;
+and by the time of Noah and his sons the riot was in full swing. In
+every rough and tumble among the children of Ham, Shem, and Japhet, I
+feel certain that crude and candid personalities fell to the lot, at any
+rate, of the little Shems.
+
+So was it then; so is it still to-day. No jests are so rich as those
+that bear upon the unloveliness of features not our own. The tiniest
+street urchins in dispute always--sooner or later--devote their retorts
+to the distressing physiognomy of the foe. Not only are they conforming
+to the ancient convention, but they show sagacity too, for to sum up an
+opponent as "Face," "Facey," or "Funny Face," is to spike his gun. There
+is no reply but the cowardly _tu quoque_. He cannot say, "My face is not
+comic, it is handsome"; because that does not touch the root of the
+matter. The root of the matter is your opinion of his face as
+deplorable.
+
+Not only is the recognition of what is odd in an opponent's countenance
+of this priceless value in ordinary quarrels among the young and the
+ill-mannered (just as abuse of the opposing counsel is the best way of
+covering the poverty of one's own case at law), but the music-hall
+humorist has no easier or surer road to the risibilities of most of his
+audience. Jokes about faces never fail and are never threadbare.
+Sometimes I find myself listening to one who has been called--possibly
+the label was self-imposed--the Prime Minister of Mirth, and he
+invariably enlarges upon the quaintness of somebody's features, often,
+for he is the soul of impartiality, his own; and the first time, now
+thirty years ago, that I ever entered a music-hall (the tiny stuffy old
+Oxford at Brighton, where the chairman with the dyed hair--it was more
+purple than black--used to sit amid a little company of bloods whose
+proud privilege it was to pay for his refreshment), another George,
+whose surname was Beauchamp, was singing about a siren into whose
+clutches he had or had not fallen, who had
+
+                an indiarubber lip
+    Like the rudder of a ship.
+
+--So you see there is complete continuity.
+
+But the best example of this branch of humour is beyond all question
+that of the Two Macs, whose influence, long though it is since they
+eclipsed the gaiety of the nation by vanishing, is still potent. Though
+gone they still jest; or, at any rate, their jests did not all vanish
+with them. The incorrigible veneration for what is antique displayed by
+low comedians takes care of that. "I saw your wife at the masked ball
+last night," the first Mac would say, in his rich brogue. "My wife was
+at the ball last night," the other would reply in a brogue of deeper
+richness, "but it wasn't a masked ball." The first Mac would then
+express an overwhelming surprise, as he countered with the devastating
+question, "Was _that_ her face?"
+
+"You're not two-faced, anyway. I'll say that for you," was the
+apparently magnanimous concession made by one comedian to another in a
+recent farcical play. The other was beginning to express his
+gratification when the speaker continued: "If you were, you wouldn't
+have come out with that one." Again, you observe, there is no answer to
+this kind of attack. Hence, I suppose, its popularity. And yet perhaps
+to take refuge in a smug sententiousness, and remark crisply, "Handsome
+is as handsome does," should now and then be useful. But it requires
+some self-esteem.
+
+There is no absolute need, however, for the face joke to be applied to
+others to be successful. Since, in spite of the complexion creams,
+"plumpers," and nose-machines advertised in the papers, faces will
+continue to be here and there somewhat Gothic, the wise thing for their
+owners is to accept them and think of other things, or console
+themselves before the unflattering mirror with the memory of those
+mortals who have been both quaint-looking and gifted. Wiser still
+perhaps to make a little capital out of the affliction. Public men who
+are able to make a jest of the homeliness of their features never lose
+by it. President Wilson's public recital of the famous lines on his
+countenance (which I personally find by no means unprepossessing) did
+much to increase his popularity.
+
+    As a beauty I am not a star,
+    There are others more handsome by far.
+      But my face, I don't mind it,
+      For I keep behind it;
+    It's the people in front get the jar.
+
+And an English bishop, or possibly dean, came, at last, very near earth
+when in a secular address he repeated his retort to the lady who had
+commented upon his extraordinary plainness: "Ah, but you should see my
+brother." There is also the excellent story of the ugly man before the
+camera, who was promised by the photographer that he should have justice
+done to him. "Justice!" he exclaimed. "I don't want justice; I want
+mercy."
+
+The great face joke, as I say, obviously came first. Because there were
+in the early days none of the materials for the other staple quips--such
+as alcohol, and sausages, and wives' mothers. Faces, however, were
+always there. And not even yet have the later substitutes ousted it.
+Just as Shakespeare's orator, "when he is out," spits, so does the funny
+man, in similar difficulties, if he is wise, say, "Do you call that a
+face?" and thus collect his thoughts for fresh sallies. If all "dials"
+were identical, Mr. George Graves, for example, would be a stage
+bankrupt; for, resourceful as he is in the humour of quizzical
+disapproval, the vagaries of facial oddity are his foundation stone.
+
+Remarkable as are the heights of grotesque simile to which all the
+Georges have risen in this direction, it is, oddly enough, to the other
+and gentler sex that the classic examples (in my experience) belong. At
+a dinner-party given by a certain hospitable lady who remained something
+of an _enfante terrible_ to the end of her long life, she drew the
+attention of one of her guests, by no means too cautiously, to the
+features of another guest, a bishop of great renown. "Isn't his face,"
+she asked, in a deathless sentence, "like the inside of an elephant's
+foot?" I have not personally the honour of this divine's acquaintance,
+but all my friends who have met or seen him assure me that the
+similitude is exact. Another lady, happily still living, said of the
+face of an acquaintance, that it was "not so much a face, as a part of
+her person which she happened to leave uncovered, by which her friends
+were able to recognize her." A third, famous for her swift analyses,
+said that a certain would-be beauty might have a title to good looks but
+for "a rush of teeth to the head." I do not quote these admirable
+remarks merely as a proof of woman's natural kindliness, but to show how
+even among the elect--for all three speakers are of more than common
+culture--the face joke holds sway.
+
+
+
+
+The Puttenhams
+
+I
+
+From _The Mustershire Herald and Oldcaster Advertiser_
+
+
+"The new volume of _The Mustershire Archæological Society's Records_ is,
+as usual, full of varied fare.... But for good Oldcastrians the most
+interesting article is a minute account of the Puttenham family, so well
+known in the town for many generations, from its earliest traceable date
+in the seventeenth century. It is remarkable for how long the Puttenhams
+were content to be merely small traders and so forth, until quite
+recently the latent genius of the blood declared itself simultaneously
+in the constructive ability of our own millionaire ex-townsman, Sir
+Jonathan Puttenham (who married a daughter of Lord Hammerton), and in
+the world-famous skill of the great chemist, Sir Victor Puttenham, the
+discoverer of the Y-rays, who still has his country home on our borders.
+The simile of the oak and the acorn at once springs to mind."
+
+
+II
+
+Miss Enid Daubeney, who is staying at Sir Jonathan Puttenham's, to her
+Sister
+
+MY DEAR FLUFFETY,--There are wigs on the green here, I can tell you.
+Aunt Virginia is furious about a genealogy of the Puttenham family which
+has appeared in the county's archæological records. It goes back ever so
+far, and derives our revered if somewhat stodgy and not-too-generous
+uncle-by-marriage from one of the poorest bunches of ancestors a knight
+of industry ever had. Aunt Virginia won't see that, from such loins, the
+farther the spring the greater the honour, and the poor man has had no
+peace and the article is to be suppressed. But since these things are
+published only for subscribers and the volume is now out, of course
+nothing can be done. Please telegraph that you can't spare me any
+longer, for the meals here are getting impossible. Not even the peaches
+compensate.--Your devoted ENID
+
+
+III
+
+Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Rev. Stacey Morris, Editor of _The
+Mustershire Archæological Society's Records_
+
+DEAR SIR,--I wish to utter a protest against what I consider a serious
+breach of etiquette. In the new volume of your _Records_, you print an
+article dealing with the history from remote times of the family of
+which I am a member, and possibly the best-known member at the present
+day. The fact that that family is of humble origin is nothing to me.
+What I object to is the circumstance that you should publish this
+material, most of which is of very little interest to the outside world,
+without first ascertaining my views on the subject. I may now tell you
+that I object so strongly to the publication that I count on you to
+secure its withdrawal.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JONATHAN PUTTENHAM
+
+
+IV
+
+Horace Vicary, M.D., of Southbridge, to his old friend the Rev. Stacey
+Morris
+
+MORRIS,--It's a good volume, take it all round. But what has given me,
+in my unregeneracy, the greatest pleasure is the article on the
+Puttenhams. For years the Puttenhams here have been putting on airs and
+holding their noses higher than the highest, and it is not only (as they
+say doubly of nibs) grateful and comforting, but a boon and a blessing,
+to find that one of their not too remote ancestors kept a public-house,
+and another was a tinsmith. And I fancy I am not alone in my
+satisfaction.
+
+Yours, H. V.
+
+
+V
+
+Sir Victor Puttenham, F.R.S., to the Editor of _The Mustershire
+Archæological Society's Records_
+
+DEAR SIR,--As probably the most widely-known member of the Puttenham
+family at the present moment, may I thank you for the generous space
+which you have accorded to our history. To what extent it will be
+readable by strangers I cannot say, but to me it is intensely
+interesting, and if you can arrange for a few dozen reprints in paper
+wrappers I shall be glad to have them. I had, of course, some knowledge
+of my ancestors, but I had no idea that we were quite such an
+undistinguished rabble of groundlings for so long. That drunken
+whipper-in to Lord Dashingham in the seventeen-seventies particularly
+delights me.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+VICTOR PUTTENHAM
+
+
+VI
+
+From Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Editor of _The Mustershire Herald and
+Oldcaster Advertiser_
+
+DEAR SIR,--I shall be obliged if you will make no more references in
+_The Herald_ to the new _Mustershire Archæological Records'_ article on
+the Puttenhams. It is not that it lays emphasis on the humble origin of
+that family. That is nothing to me. But I am at the moment engaged in a
+correspondence with the Editor on the propriety of publishing private or
+semi-private records of this character without first asking permission,
+and as he will possibly see the advisability of withdrawing the article
+in question there should be as little reference to it in the Press as
+possible.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JONATHAN PUTTENHAM
+
+
+VII
+
+The Rev. Stacey Morris to Sir Jonathan Puttenham
+
+The Editor of _The Mustershire Archæological Society's Records_ begs to
+acknowledge Sir Jonathan Puttenham's letter of the 15th inst. He regrets
+that the publication of the Puttenham genealogy should have so offended
+Sir Jonathan, but would point out, firstly, that it has for years been a
+custom of these Records to include such articles; secondly, that the
+volume has now been delivered to all the Society's members; thirdly,
+that there are members of the Puttenham family who do not at all share
+Sir Jonathan's views; and, fourthly, that if such views obtained
+generally the valuable and interesting pursuit of genealogy, of which
+our President, Lord Hammerton, to name no others, is so ardent a patron,
+would cease to be practised.
+
+
+VIII
+
+Miss Lydia Puttenham, of "Weald View," Rusper Common, Tunbridge Wells,
+to Lady Puttenham
+
+DEAR COUSIN MILDRED,--I wonder if Sir Victor has seen the article on our
+family in _The Archæological Records_. I am so vexed about it, not only
+for myself and all of us, but particularly for him and you. It is not
+right that a busy man working for humanity, as he is doing, should be
+worried like that. Indeed I feel so strongly about it that I have sent
+in my resignation as a member of the Society. Why such things should be
+printed at all I cannot see. It is most unfair and unnecessary to go
+into such details, nor can there be the slightest reason for doing so,
+for the result is the dullest reading. Perhaps Sir Victor could get it
+stopped. Again expressing my sympathy, I am,
+
+Yours affectionately,
+
+LYDIA PUTTENHAM
+
+
+IX
+
+The Rev. Stacey Morris to Ernest Burroughs, the compiler of the
+Puttenham genealogy
+
+MY DEAR BURROUGHS,--We are threatened with all kinds of penalties by Sir
+Jonathan Puttenham, the great contractor, over your seamy revelations.
+It is odd how differently these things are taken, for the other great
+Puttenham, the chemist, Sir Victor, is delighted and is distributing
+copies broadcast. Equal forms of snobbishness, a Thackeray would perhaps
+say. But my purpose in writing is to say that I hope you will continue
+the series undismayed.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+STACEY MORRIS
+
+
+
+
+Poetry made Easy
+
+
+In the admirable and stimulating lecture given to the English
+Association by Professor Spurgeon on "Poetry in the Light of War," I
+came again upon that poem of Rupert Brooke's in which he enumerates
+certain material things that have given him most pleasure in life. "I
+have been so great a lover," he writes, and then he makes a list of his
+loves, thus following, perhaps all unconsciously, Lamb's _John Woodvil_
+in that rhymed passage which, under the title "The Universal Lover," has
+been detached from the play. But Lamb, pretending to be Elizabethan,
+dealt with the larger splendours, whereas Rupert Brooke's modernity took
+count of the smaller. John Woodvil's list of his loves begins with the
+sunrise and the sunset; Rupert Brooke sets down such mundane and
+domestic trifles as white plates and cups, the hard crust of bread, and
+the roughness of blankets.
+
+This, to strangers to the poem, may not sound very poetical, but they
+must read it before they judge. To me it is at once one of the most
+satisfying and most beautiful leaves in the Georgian anthology. Here is
+a passage:
+
+    Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing;
+    Voices in laughter too; and body's pain
+    Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
+    Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
+    That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;
+    And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold
+    Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
+    Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
+    And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
+    And new-peeled sticks, and shining pools on grass;
+    --All these have been my loves.
+
+My reason in quoting these fine and tender lines is to point out how
+simple a thing poetry can be; how easily we, at any rate for a few
+moments--even the most material, the most world-brutalized of us,--can
+become poets too. For I hold that any man searching his memory for the
+things that from earliest days have given him most delight, and
+sincerely recording them, not necessarily with verbal garniture at all,
+is while he does so a poet. A good deal of Whitman is little else but
+such catalogues; and Whitman was a great poet. The effort (even without
+the reward of this not-always-desired label) is worth making, because
+(and this is where the poetry comes in) it forces one to visit the past
+and dwell again in the ways of pleasantness before the world was too
+much with us and life's hand had begun to press heavily: most of such
+loves as Rupert Brooke recalls having their roots in our childhood.
+Hence such poetry as we shall make cannot be wholly reading without
+tears.
+
+I find that on my list of loves scents would take a very important
+place--the scent of gorse warmed by the sun coming almost first, gorse
+blossoms rubbed in the hand and then crushed against the face, geranium
+leaves, the leaves of the lemon verbena, the scent of pine trees, the
+scent of unlit cigars, the scent of cigarette smoke blown my way from a
+distance, the scent of coffee as it arrives from the grocer's (see what
+a poet I am!), the scent of the underside of those little cushions of
+moss which come away so easily in the woods, the scent of lilies of the
+valley, the scent of oatcake for cattle, the scent of lilac, and, for
+reasons, above all perhaps the scent of a rubbish fire in the garden.
+
+Rupert Brooke mentions the feel of things. Among the loves of the sense
+of touch I should include smooth dried beans, purple and spotted, and
+horse-chestnuts, warm and polished by being kept in the pocket, and
+ptarmigan's feet, and tortoiseshell spoons for tea-caddies. And among
+sounds, first and foremost is the sound of a carriage and pair, but very
+high in position is that rare ecstasy, the distant drum and panpipes of
+the Punch and Judy. Do they play the panpipes still, I wonder. And how
+should I behave if I heard them round the corner? Should I run? I hope
+so. Scent, sound, touch, and sight. Sight? Here the range is too vast,
+and yet here, perhaps, the act of memory leads to the best poetry of
+all. For to enumerate one's favourite sights--always, as Rupert Brooke
+may be said to have done, although not perhaps consciously, in the mood
+of one who is soon to lose the visible world for ever--is to become, no
+matter how humble the list, a psalmist.
+
+The mere recollecting and recording even such haphazard memories as
+these has had the effect of reconstructing also many too-long-forgotten
+scenes of pure happiness, and has urged me about this dear England of
+ours too, for I learned to love gorse on Harpenden Common, and pinewoods
+at Ampthill, and moss in Kent, and the scent of coffee in the kitchen of
+a home that can never be rebuilt, and--but poetry can be pain too.
+
+
+
+
+A Pioneer
+
+
+To be the first is always an achievement, even though the steps falter.
+To be the first is also a distinction that cannot be taken away, because
+whoever comes after must be a follower; and to follow is tame. It
+occasionally happens that the first, no matter how many imitate him, is
+also the best; but this cannot be said of Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, retired
+medical officer on pension, a tiny pamphlet by whom has just fluttered
+my way.
+
+Mr. Dutt's pioneer work was done in the realms of poesy, somewhen in the
+eighteen-sixties, and the fruits are gathered together in this
+_brochure_ under the title _Songs_, published at Chittagong, in India,
+which, in some bewildering way, reached a second edition in 1886. In the
+opening "distich" Mr. Dutt makes the claim to be the first Asiatic poet
+to write in English, and if that is true this insignificant work
+becomes the seed of which the full flower is the gifted Rabindra, son of
+Tagore, whose mellifluous but mystic utterances lie, I am told, on every
+boudoir table. Me they, for the most part, stump.
+
+Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, although a pioneer, made no claim himself to have
+originated the startling idea of writing songs "in English word" and
+English rhyme; he merely accepted the suggestion and acted upon it. The
+suggestion came, under divine guidance, from Mr. J. D. Ward, the
+Chittagong magistrate. Here are the lines, setting forth that
+epoch-making moment, in an address to the Deity:
+
+    I thank Thee for an idea that Thou has created in my heart
+    On which through the faculty I met now a very fresh art.
+
+    ...
+
+    Being myself desired by the Chittagong magistrate, Mr. J. D. Ward,
+    Got encouraged and commence writing a few songs in English word.
+
+To Mr. Ward, then, much honour; and, indeed, one of Ramkinoo Dutt's
+pleasantest qualities is his desire always to give honour where it is
+due. Mr. Ward was perhaps his especial darling among the white sahibs
+of Chittagong, but all are praised. Thus, in another invocation to
+Heaven, we read:
+
+    King, conqueror of nations, encourage two sorts of mortals,
+    One skilled in war, the other in counsel.
+
+    If so, why not Captain Macdonald should be the former?
+    If so, why not Mr. J. D. Ward would be the latter?
+
+And here is part of a "distich on arrival of 38th N.I.":
+
+    We paid a visit upon Captain John A. Vanrenen,
+    He is a high-spirited hero and jolly gentleman,
+
+    So is the Lieutenant George Fergus Graham,
+    So is the Lieutenant Henry Tottenham.
+
+The last poem of all is wholly devoted to eulogies of Chittagong
+worthies. For example, Mr. H. Greavesour, the judge,
+
+    Is a pious and righteous man,
+    Administering justice with mental pain.
+
+Of Mr. D. R. Douglas:
+
+    There is Mr. D. R. Douglas, Joint Magistrate,
+    His judgment is pure, yes, on the highest rate.
+
+And Mr. A. Marsh, Magistrate-Collector:
+
+    He is devout, holy man, naturally shy,
+    His mind seems runs through righteous way.
+
+And the Executive Engineer, Mr. C. A. Mills:
+
+    The energitic gentleman is getting on well.
+
+All these were living and probably in daily reception of the obeisances
+of the retired medical officer who esteemed them so highly; but Dr.
+Beatson was dead:
+
+    We lost, lately lost, Dr. W. B. Beatson.
+    We again shall never gain him in person....
+        He is a Dr. Philanthropist,
+        He is a Dr. Physiognomist,
+        He is a Dr. Anatomist,
+        He is His Lordship's personal Surgeon.
+
+It will be seen already that Mr. Dutt had not yet mastered his
+instrument, but he did not lack thoughts: merely the power to express
+them. Throughout these thirty odd pages one sees him floundering in the
+morass of a new language, always with something that he wants to say but
+can only suggest. Here, for example, is a personal statement, line by
+line more or less inarticulate, but as a whole clear enough. With all
+the mental incompleteness, the verbal looseness, the fumblings and
+gropings of the traditional Baboo, it is a genuine piece of irony.
+Seldom can a convert to Christianity have been more frank.
+
+    I would not accept a second creation,
+    I thank the Omnipotent for his kind protection.
+            From my minority,
+            I profess the mendacity,
+            Passed days in poverty,
+            From my minority.
+            Perpetually my duty,
+            Sobbing under perplexity.
+            Nothing least prosperity,
+            But sad and emotion.
+
+            I gave up the heathenism,
+            And its favouritism,
+            Together with the Hinduism.
+
+            I gave up the heathenism.
+            Neither the fanaticism,
+            Nor the paganism,
+            Or my idiotism,
+            Could enrich me with provision.
+
+Such was the poetical pioneer, Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, who (supposing
+always that we may accept his statement as true) was the first Hindu to
+write English verse.
+
+
+
+
+Full Circle
+
+
+I have lately been the witness of two phenomena.
+
+Not long ago two officers and gentlemen (whom I had never seen before
+and one of whom, alas! I shall never see again) descended from a blue
+sky on to a neighbouring stretch of sward; had tea with me in my garden;
+and, ascending into the blue again, were lost to view. Since it is
+seldom that the heavens drop such visitants upon us in the obscure
+region in which I live, it follows that while the aviators were absent
+from their machine the news had so spread that by the time they rejoined
+it and prepared to depart, a crowd had assembled not unworthy of being
+compared, in point of numbers, with that which two workmen in London can
+bring together whenever they begin to make a hole in the wood-block
+paving. I had not thought so many people lived in the neighbourhood.
+Every family, at any rate was represented, while the rector looked on
+with the tolerant smile that the clergy keep for the wonders of science,
+and just at the last moment up panted our policeman on his bicycle, and
+pulling out his notebook and pencil for the aviators' names (Heaven
+knows why), set upon the proceedings the seal of authority.
+
+Whatever may be said against aeroplanes in full flight, and there is
+quite a long indictment--that they are, for instance, not at all like
+birds, and much more like dragon-flies, and are too noisy, and too
+rigid, and so forth,--no one in his senses can deny that as they rise
+from the ground--especially if you are behind them and they are receding
+swiftly in a straight line from you, and even more so if you are
+personally acquainted with the occupants--they have beautiful and
+exciting qualities. Not soon shall I forget the sight as my guests in
+their biplane glided exquisitely from the turf into the air and, after
+one circular sweep around our bewildered heads, swam away in the
+direction of the Hog's Back.
+
+That was phenomenon No. 1. Phenomenon No. 2--also connected with the
+mechanics of quicker movement than Shanks's mare ever compassed--was
+one of those old high bicycles, a fifty-two inch, I should guess, dating
+from the late eighteen-seventies, which, although the year was 1916, was
+being ridden along the Brighton front.
+
+I am, unhappily, old enough to have been the owner of a bone-shaker,
+upon which I can assure you I had far more amusing times than on any of
+its luxurious progeny, even though they were fitted with every device
+that all the engineers' brains in the world, together with the white hat
+and beard of Mr. Dunlop, have succeeded in inventing. Being able to
+remember the advent of the high bicycle and the rush to the windows and
+gates whenever word went forth that one was approaching (much as a few
+of the simpler among us still run when the buzz of the aeroplane is
+heard), I was, as I watched the interest aroused among Brighton's
+butterflies by this antique relic, in a position to reflect, not I trust
+sardonically, but at any rate without any feelings of triumph, upon the
+symmetrical completion of--I must not say one cycle of mechanical
+enterprise, but one era. For this high bicycle (which was perhaps built
+between thirty and forty years ago) wobbling along the King's Road drew
+every eye. Before that moment we had been looking at I know not
+what--the _Skylark_, maybe, now fitted with auxiliary motor power; or
+the too many soldiers in blue clothes, with only one arm or one leg, and
+sometimes with no legs at all, who take the sun near the Palace Pier and
+are not wholly destitute of female companionship. But when this
+outlandish vehicle came we all stopped to gaze and wonder, and we
+watched it out of sight.
+
+"Look at that extraordinary bicycle!" said the young, to whom it was
+something of the latest.
+
+"Well, I'm blessed," said the old, "if there isn't one of those high
+bicycles from before the Flood!"
+
+And not only did it provide a diverting spectacle, but it gave us
+something to talk about at dinner, where we compared old feats perched
+on these strange monsters, in the days when the road from John o' Groats
+to Land's End was thick with competitors, and half the male world wore
+the same grey cloth, and the Vicar of Ripley strove every Sunday for
+the cyclist's soul.
+
+Being myself didactically disposed, I went farther than reminiscence and
+bored my companions with some such reflections as those that follow. It
+is not given (I said) to many of us to have a second time on earth, but
+this bicycle is having it, and enjoying it. In the distant
+eighteen-seventies or eighties it was, as a daring innovation, a marvel
+and a show. Then came (I went on) all the experiments and developments
+under which cycling has become as natural almost as walking, during
+which it lay neglected in corners, like the specimen in the London
+Museum in the basement of Stafford House. And then an adventurous boy
+discovered it, and riding it to-day bravely beside that promenade of
+sun-beetles, assisted it (I concluded) to box the compass and transform
+the Obsolete into the Novelty.
+
+Some day, if I live, there may visit me from the blue as I totter among
+the flower-beds an aeroplane of so scandalous a crudity and immaturity
+that all the countryside, long since weary of the sight and sound of
+flying machines, then so common that every cottager will have one, will
+again cluster about it while its occupants and I drink our tea.
+
+For with mechanical enterprise there is no standing still. Man, so
+conspicuously unable to improve himself, is always making his inventions
+better.
+
+
+
+
+A Friend of Man
+
+In Two Parts
+
+I. THE FALLEN STAR
+
+
+Once upon a time there was a pug dog who could speak.
+
+I found him on a seat in Hyde Park.
+
+"Good afternoon," he said.
+
+Why I was not astonished to be thus addressed by a pug dog, I cannot
+say; but it seemed perfectly natural.
+
+"Good afternoon," I replied.
+
+"It's a long time," he said, "since you saw any of my kind, I expect?"
+
+"Now I come to think of it," I replied, "it is. How is that?"
+
+"There's a reason," he said. "Put in a nutshell it's this: Peeks." He
+wheezed horribly.
+
+I asked him to be more explicit, and he amplified his epigram into:
+"Pekingese."
+
+"They're all the rage now," he explained; "and we're out in the cold. If
+you throw your memory back a dozen years or so," he went on, "you will
+recall our popularity."
+
+As he spoke I did so. In the mind's eye I saw a sumptuous
+carriage-and-pair. The horses bristled with mettle. The carriage was on
+C-springs, and a coachman and footman were on the box. They wore claret
+livery and cockades. The footman's arms were folded. His gloves were of
+a dazzling whiteness. In the carriage was an elderly commanding lady
+with an aristocratic nose; and in her lap was a pug dog of plethoric
+habit and a face as black as your hat.
+
+All the time my new acquaintance was watching me with streaming eyes.
+"What do you see?" he asked.
+
+I described my mental picture.
+
+"There you are," he said; "and what do you see to-day? There, look!"
+
+I glanced up at his bidding, and a costly motor was gliding smoothly by.
+It weighed several tons, and its tyres were like dropsical life-belts.
+On its shining door was a crest. The chauffeur was kept warm by costly
+furs. Inside was an elderly lady, and in her arms was a russet
+Pekingese.
+
+"So you see what went when I went," the pug said, after a noisy pause.
+"It wasn't only pugs that went; it was carriages-and-pairs, and the
+sound of eight hoofs all at once, and footmen with folded arms. We
+passed out together. Exeunt pugs. Enter Peeks and Petrol. And now we are
+out in the cold."
+
+I sympathized with him. "You must transfer your affection to another
+class, that's all," I said. "If the nobs have gone back on you, there
+are still a great many pug-lovers left."
+
+"No," he said, "that's no good; we want chicken. We must have it.
+Without it, we had better become extinct." He wept with the sound of a
+number of syphons all leaking together, and waddled away.
+
+At this moment the man who has charge of the chairs came up for my
+money. I gave the penny.
+
+"I'm afraid I must charge you twopence," the man said.
+
+I asked him why.
+
+"For the dog," he said. "When they talks we has to make a charge for
+them."
+
+"But it wasn't mine," I assured him. "It was a total stranger."
+
+"Come now," he said; and to save trouble I paid him.
+
+But how like a pug!
+
+
+II. THE NEW BOOK OF BEAUTY
+
+A hundred years ago the Books of Beauty had line engravings by Charles
+Heath, and long-necked, ringleted ladies looked wistfully or simperingly
+at you. I have several examples: _Caskets_, _Albums_, _Keepsakes_. The
+new Book of Beauty has a very different title. It is called _The
+Pekingese_, and is the revised edition for 1914.
+
+The book is different in other ways too. The steel engravers having long
+since all died of starvation, here are photographs only, in large
+numbers, and (strange innovation!) there are more of gentlemen than of
+ladies. For this preponderance there is a good commercial reason, as any
+student of the work will quickly discover, for we are now entering a
+sphere of life where the beauty of the sterner sex (if so severe a word
+can be applied to such sublimation of everything that is soft and
+voluptuous and endearing) is more considered than that of the other.
+Beautiful ladies are here in some profusion, but the first place is for
+beautiful and guinea-earning gentlemen.
+
+In the old Books of Beauty one could make a choice. There was always one
+lady supremely longer-necked, more wistful or more simpering than the
+others. But in this new Book of Beauty one turns the pages only to be
+more perplexed. The embarrassment of riches is too embarrassing. I have
+been through the work a score of times and am still wondering on whom my
+affections and admiration are most firmly fixed.
+
+How to play the part of Paris where all the competitors have some
+irresistibility, as all have of either sex? Once I thought that Wee Mo
+of Westwood was my heart's chiefest delight, "a flame-red little dog
+with black mask and ear-fringes, profuse coat and featherings, flat wide
+skull, short flat face, short bowed legs and well-shaped body." But then
+I turned back to Broadoak Beetle and on to Broadoak Cirawanzi, and
+Young Beetle, and Nanking Fo, and Ta Fo of Greystones, and Petshé Ah
+Wei, and Hay Ch'ah of Toddington, and that superb Sultanic creature,
+King Rudolph of Ruritania, and Champion Howbury Ming, and Su Eh of
+Newnham, and King Beetle of Minden, and Champion Hu Hi, and Mo Sho, and
+that rich red dog, Buddha of Burford. And having chosen these I might
+just as well scratch out their names and write others, for every male
+face in this book is a poem.
+
+The ladies, as I have said, are in the minority, for the obvious reason
+that these little disdainful distinguished gentlemen figure here as
+potential fathers, with their fees somewhat indelicately named: since
+there's husbandry on earth as well as in heaven.
+
+Such ladies as are here are here for their beauty alone and are beyond
+price. Among them I note with especial joy Yiptse of Chinatown, Mandarin
+Marvel, who "inherits the beautiful front of her sire, Broadoak Beetle";
+Lavender of Burton-on-Dee, "fawn, with black mask"; Chi-Fa of
+Alderbourne, "a most charming and devoted little companion"; Yeng Loo of
+Ipsley; Detlong Mo-li of Alderbourne, one of the "beautiful red
+daughters of Wong-ti of Alderbourne," Champion Chaou Chingur, of whom
+her owner says that "in quaintness and individuality and in loving
+disposition she is unequalled," and is also "quite a 'woman of the
+world,' very _blasée_ and also very punctilious in trifles"; Pearl of
+Cotehele, "bright red, with beautiful back"; E-Wo Tu T'su; Berylune Tzu
+Hsi Chu; Ko-ki of Radbourne and Siddington Fi-fi.
+
+Every now and then there is an article in the papers asking and
+answering the question, What is the greatest benefit that has come to
+mankind in the past half-century? The answer is usually the camera, or
+matches, or the Marconi system, or the cinema, or the pianola, or the
+turbine, or the Röntgen rays, or the telephone, or the bicycle, or Lord
+Northcliffe, or the motor-car. Always something utilitarian or
+scientific. But why should we not say at once that it was the
+introduction of Pekingese spaniels into England from China? Because that
+is the truth.
+
+
+
+
+The Listener
+
+
+Once upon a time there was a man with such delicate ears that he could
+hear even letters speak. And, of course, letters lying in pillar-boxes
+have all kinds of things to say to each other.
+
+One evening, having posted his own letter, he leaned against the
+pillar-box and listened.
+
+"Here's another!" said a voice. "Who are you, pray?"
+
+"I'm an acceptance with thanks," said the new letter.
+
+"What do you accept?" another voice asked.
+
+"An invitation to dinner," said the new letter, with a touch of pride.
+
+"Pooh!" said the other. "Only that."
+
+"It's at a house in Kensington," said the new letter.
+
+"Well, _I'm_ an acceptance of an invitation to a dance at a duchess's,"
+was the reply, and the new letter said no more.
+
+Then all the others began.
+
+"I bring news of a legacy," said one.
+
+"I try to borrow money," said another, rather hopelessly.
+
+"I demand the payment of a debt," said a sharp metallic voice.
+
+"I decline an offer of marriage," said a fourth, with a wistful note.
+
+"I've got a cheque inside," said a fifth, with a swagger.
+
+"I convey the sack," said a sixth in triumph.
+
+"I ask to be taken on again, at a lower salary," said another, with
+tears.
+
+"What do you think I am?" one inquired. "You shall have six guesses."
+
+"Give us a clue," said a voice.
+
+"Very well. I'm in a foolscap envelope."
+
+Then the guessing began.
+
+One said a writ.
+
+Another said an income-tax demand.
+
+But no one could guess it.
+
+"I'm a poem for a paper," said the foolscap letter at last.
+
+"Are you good?" asked a voice.
+
+"Not good enough, I'm afraid," said the poem. "In fact I've been out and
+back again seven times already."
+
+"A war poem, I suppose?"
+
+"I suppose so. I rhyme 'trench' and 'French.'"
+
+"Guess what I am," said a sentimental murmur.
+
+"Anyone could guess that," was the gruff reply. "You're a love-letter."
+
+"Quite right," said the sentimental murmur. "But how clever of you!"
+
+"Well," said another, "you're not the only love-letter here. I'm a
+love-letter too."
+
+"How do you begin?" asked the first.
+
+"I begin 'My Darling,'" said the second love-letter.
+
+"That's nothing," said the first; "I begin 'My Ownest Own.'"
+
+"I don't think much of either of those beginnings," said a new voice. "I
+begin, 'Most Beautiful.'"
+
+"You're from a man, I suppose?" said the second love-letter.
+
+"Yes, I am," said the new one. "Aren't you?"
+
+"No, I'm from a woman," said the second. "I'll admit your beginning's
+rather good. But, how do you end?"
+
+"I end with 'A million kisses,'" said the new one.
+
+"Ah, I've got you there!" said the second. "I end with 'For ever and
+ever yours.'"
+
+"That's not bad," said the first, "but my ending is pretty good in its
+way. I end like this: 'To-morrow will be Heaven once more, for then we
+meet again.'"
+
+"Oh, do stop all this love talk," said the gruff voice again, "and be
+sensible like me. I'm a letter to an Editor putting everything right and
+showing up all the iniquities and ineptitudes of the Government. I shall
+make a stir, I can tell you. I'm It, I am. I'm signed 'Pro Bono
+Publico.'"
+
+"That's funny!" said another letter. "I'm signed that too, but I stick
+up for the Government."
+
+But at this moment the listener was conscious of a hand on his arm and a
+lantern in his face.
+
+"Here," said the authoritative tones of a policeman, "I think you've
+been leaning against this pillar-box long enough. If you can't walk I'll
+help you home."
+
+Thus does metallic prose invade the delicate poetical realm of
+supernature.
+
+
+
+
+The Dark Secret
+
+
+It was the most perfect September day that anyone could remember. The
+sun had risen in a dewy mist. The early air was pungent with yellowing
+bracken.
+
+Then the mist cleared, the dew disappeared from everywhere but the
+shadows, and the Red Admirals again settled on the Michaelmas daisies.
+
+A young man walked up and down the paths of the garden and drank in its
+sweetness; then he passed on to the orchard and picked from the wet
+grass a reddening apple, which he ate. Something pulled at his flannel
+trousers: it was a spaniel puppy, and with it he played till
+breakfast-time.
+
+He was staying with some friends for a cricket match. It was the last of
+the season and his only game that year. As one grows older and busier,
+cricket becomes less and less convenient, and on the two occasions that
+he had arranged for a day it had been wet.
+
+He had never been a great hand at the game. He had never made 100 or
+even 70, never taken any really good wickets; but he liked every minute
+of a match, so much so that he was always the first to volunteer to
+field when there was a man short, or run for some one who was lame, or
+even to stand as umpire.
+
+To be in the field was the thing. Those rainy interludes in the pavilion
+which so develop the stoicism of the first-class cricketer had no power
+to make a philosopher of him. All their effect on him was detrimental:
+they turned him black. He fretted and raged.
+
+But to-day there was not a cloud; nothing but the golden September sun.
+
+It was one of the jolly matches. There was no jarring element: no bowler
+who was several sizes too good; no bowler who resented being taken off;
+no habitual country-house cricketer whose whole conversation was the
+jargon of the game; no batsman too superior to the rest; no acerbitous
+captain with a lost temper over every mistake; no champagne for lunch.
+Most of the players were very occasional performers: the rest were
+gardeners and a few schoolboys. Nice boys--boys who might have come from
+Winchester.
+
+He was quickly out, but he did not mind, for he had had one glorious
+swipe and was caught in the deep field off another, and there is no
+better way of getting out than that.
+
+In the field he himself stood deep, and the only catch that came to him
+he held; while in the intervals between wickets he lay on the sweet
+grass while the sun warmed him through and through. If ever it was good
+to be alive....
+
+And suddenly the sun no longer warmed him, and he noticed that it had
+sunk behind a tree in whose hundred-yard-long shadow he was standing.
+For a second he shivered, not only at the loss of tangible heat, but at
+the realization that the summer was nearly gone (for it was still early
+in the afternoon), and this was the last cricket match, and he had
+missed all the others, and he was growing old, and winter was coming on,
+and next year he might have no chance; but most of all he regretted the
+loss of the incredible goodness of this day, and for the first time in
+his life the thought phrased itself in his mind: "No sooner do we grasp
+the present than it becomes the past." The haste of it all oppressed
+him. Nothing stands still.
+
+"A ripping day, wasn't it?" said his host as they walked back.
+
+"Perfect," he replied, with a sigh. "But how soon over!"
+
+They stopped for a moment at the top of the hill to look at the sunset,
+and he sighed again as his thoughts flew to that print of the
+"Melancholia" which had hung on the stairs in his early home.
+
+"Notice the sunset," some visitor had once said to him. "Some day you
+will know why Dürer put that in."
+
+And now he knew.
+
+That evening he heard the Winchester boys making plans for the winter
+sports at Pontresina in the Christmas vac.
+
+
+
+
+The Scholar and the Pirate
+
+
+In an old bookshop which I visit, never without making a discovery or
+two--not infrequently, as in the present case, assisted in my good
+fortune by the bookseller himself--I lately came upon an edition of
+Long's _Marcus Aurelius_ with an admirable prefatory note that is, I
+believe, peculiar to this issue--that of 1869. And since the eyes of the
+present generation have never been turned towards America so often and
+so seriously as latterly, when our Trans-Atlantic cousins have become
+our allies, blood once more of our blood, the passage may be reprinted
+with peculiar propriety. Apart, however, from its American interest, the
+document is valuable for its dignity and independence, and it had the
+effect of sending me to that rock of refuge, _The Dictionary of National
+Biography_, to inquire further as to its author. There I found that
+George Long, whose translation of the Imperial Stoic is a classic, was
+born in 1800; educated at Macclesfield Grammar School and Trinity
+College, Cambridge; in 1821 was bracketed Craven scholar with Macaulay
+and Professor Malden, but gained a fellowship over both of them; and in
+1824 went to Charlotteville, Virginia, as professor of ancient
+languages. Returning in 1828 to profess Greek at University College,
+London, he was thenceforward, throughout his long life, concerned with
+the teaching and popularizing of the classics, finding time, however,
+also to be called to the Bar, to lecture on jurisprudence and civil law,
+and to help to found the Royal Geographical Society. His _Marcus
+Aurelius_ is his best-known work, but his edition of Cicero's Orations,
+his discourse on Roman Law, and his Epictetus also stand alone. After
+many years' teaching at Brighton College, Long retired to Chichester,
+where he died in 1879.
+
+Late in life he brought out anonymously a book of essays, entitled _An
+Old Man's Thoughts about Many Things_, in which I have been dipping. I
+do not say it would bear reprinting now, but anyone seeing it on a
+friend's shelf should borrow it, or in a bookshop should buy it,
+because such kindly good sense, such simple directness and candour and
+love of the humanities are rare. It has its mischief, too. The old
+scholar's opinion on statue-making in general and on London's statues in
+particular are expressed with a dry frankness that is refreshing. I make
+no effort to resist quoting a little:
+
+     "It is in the nature of things that statues should be made.
+     They were made more than two thousand years ago, and I
+     believe the business has never stopped, for when people
+     could not get good statues, they were content with bad, as
+     we are now.
+
+     "If I might give advice to the men now living, who look
+     forward to the honour, if it is an honour, of being set up
+     in bronze in the highways, or in marble in Westminster Abbey
+     or St. Paul's; if I might advise, I would say, leave a
+     legacy in your will for your own statue. It will save much
+     trouble and people will think better of you when you are
+     gone, if you cost them nothing. As to their laughing at you
+     for looking after your own statue, be not afraid of that.
+
+     "It is very disagreeable nowadays to see a man standing for
+     ever on his legs in public, doing nothing but stand, and
+     seeming as if he were never going to do anything else.
+
+     "If a man shall try to persuade me that a statue should be
+     nothing more than the effigy of a man standing on a
+     pedestal, I shall never be convinced. I would rather see a
+     living man standing on an inverted cask, as I have seen a
+     slave when he was sold, not that the sale is a very pleasant
+     thing to see, but the man produced a much better effect than
+     many of our statues, for he expressed something and they
+     express nothing.
+
+     "As we cannot or at least ought not to make our statues
+     naked or blanket-dressed, and as body and legs are merely
+     given to a statue in order to support the head, for the legs
+     and body might be any legs and any body, would it not be
+     wise to be satisfied with the head only? This would be a
+     great saving, and though the sculptor would get less for a
+     head than for a head with body and legs to it, he would have
+     more heads to make. This is a hint, which I throw out by the
+     way, for the consideration of committees who sit on
+     statues, by which I mean men who sit together to talk about
+     a thing of which most of them know nothing.
+
+     "When the negroes of Africa have been brought to the same
+     state of civilization as the white man, they will make
+     statues and set them up in public; and as we who are white
+     make black statues, they who are black will of course make
+     white statues.
+
+     "Can anybody say what sin Dr. Jenner committed for which he
+     does perpetual penance, not in white, but in black, his face
+     black and his hands too, seated in the most public part of
+     London, fixed to his chair, with no hope of rising from it?
+
+     "This seated figure might be anybody. I see nothing by which
+     I recognize Dr. Jenner; to say nothing of a cow, there is
+     not even a calf by his side, with the benevolent physician's
+     hand on the animal.
+
+     "I cannot approve of a seated black statue in the open
+     air--a black man sitting, and no more.
+
+     "I sincerely pity our seated gentlemen in London, poor
+     Cartwright, who looks like an old cobbler on his stool, and
+     Fox, worse treated still, blanket-dressed, fat and black. No
+     wonder some shortsighted man from the new Confederate States
+     once took Fox for a negro woman, the emblem of British
+     philanthropy and a memorial of the abolition of the slave
+     trade.
+
+     "The only beasts on which we can now place our heroes are
+     horses. I may be wrong in my opinion, but I see no beauty in
+     a horse standing still and a man's legs dangling down from
+     the beast's back; nor do I think that the matter is mended
+     by the horse and rider being of colossal size, though they
+     ought to be larger than life. Perhaps we shall not have any
+     more of these statues; but is it impossible to remove those
+     that we have?
+
+     "As we are a fighting people, we have been great makers of
+     statues of fighting men. We put them even in churches. This
+     reminds that when the time shall come for finishing and
+     adorning the inside of St. Paul's, there will be an enormous
+     quantity of old stone to dispose of, which is now in the
+     shape of generals, captains, admirals, lions and other
+     animals.
+
+     "It is singular, or it is not singular, I can't say which,
+     that we who box, wrestle, run and in many ways work our
+     bodies, more than any other nation, have not employed our
+     sculptors to immortalize our athletic heroes. Some of them
+     would make good subjects for the artist. He might strip the
+     boxer or runner naked, if he liked, and exhibit his art in
+     the representation of strength and beauty of form. I have
+     some misgivings about the faces of boxers, which are not
+     remarkable for beauty, but the artist may improve them a
+     little without destroying the likeness; and besides, in a
+     naked figure we look less at the face than at the body and
+     limbs. The champion of England would certainly have had a
+     statue by Lysippus or some artist as good, if he had been
+     lucky enough to live in ancient times.... We shall, of
+     course, want a place to put these statues in, for we may be
+     sure they will not get into the churches, which are only
+     made for statues of fighting men who have killed somebody or
+     ordered somebody to kill somebody.
+
+     "I could go on much longer, but I don't choose. I write to
+     amuse myself, and also to instruct, and when I am tired, I
+     stop. I see no reason why I should exhaust the subject. I
+     should only be giving my ideas to people who have none, who
+     make a reputation out of other folks' brains, who pounce on
+     anything that they find ready to their hand, and flood us
+     with books made only to sell."
+
+It is already, I imagine, abundantly clear that Long would not have much
+liked many things that we do to-day. Writing of "Place and Power," he
+says: "At that very distant time when all members of Parliament shall be
+Andrew Marvells and will live on two hundred a year, poor men may do our
+business for us; but for the present I prefer men who are rich enough to
+live without the profits of place. I wish somebody would move for a
+return of all the visible and invisible means of support which every
+member of the Commons has. I want to know how much every man in the
+House receives of public money, whether he is soldier, sailor,
+place-holder, sinecurist, or anything else; and also how much he has by
+the year of his own." Elsewhere he says: "There is no occasion to print
+any more sermons.... I have always wondered why so much is written on
+the doctrines and principles of Christianity and on good living, when we
+have it done long ago in a few books which we all refer to as our
+authority." And this is good: "I wish Euclid could have secured a
+perpetual copyright. It might have helped the finances of the Greeks."
+
+But I am not proposing to dissect Long's essays; it is the fine rebuke
+to an American publisher that I want to bring to your notice, for there
+Long's habitual serenity takes an edge. His protest runs thus:
+
+     "I have been informed that an American publisher has printed
+     the first edition of this translation of M. Antoninus. I do
+     not grudge him his profit, if he has made any. There may be
+     many men and women in the United States who will be glad to
+     read the thoughts of the Roman Emperor. If the American
+     politicians, as they are called, would read them also, I
+     should be much pleased, but I do not think the emperor's
+     morality would suit their taste.
+
+     "I have also been informed that the American publisher has
+     dedicated this translation to an American. I have no
+     objection to the book being dedicated to an American, but in
+     doing this without my consent the publisher has transgressed
+     the bounds of decency. I have never dedicated a book to any
+     man, and if I dedicated this, I should choose the man whose
+     name seemed to me most worthy to be joined to that of the
+     Roman soldier and philosopher. I might dedicate the book to
+     the successful general who is now the President of the
+     United States, with the hope that his integrity and justice
+     will restore peace and happiness, so far as he can, to those
+     unhappy States which have suffered so much from war and the
+     unrelenting hostility of wicked men.
+
+     "But, as the Roman poet said,
+
+         Victrix causa Deis placuit, sed victa Catoni;
+
+     and if I dedicated this little book to any man, I would
+     dedicate it to him who led the Confederate armies against
+     the powerful invader, and retired from an unequal contest
+     defeated, but not dishonoured; to the noble Virginian
+     soldier, whose talents and virtues place him by the side of
+     the best and wisest man who sat on the throne of the
+     Imperial Cæsars.--GEORGE LONG."
+
+That is excellent prose, is it not? The general to whom Long would
+dedicate the edition was Robert Edward Lee, who had then become head of
+the Washington College and survived only until 1870. The President at
+the time that Long wrote was General Grant, to whom Lee surrendered.
+
+One or two anecdotes of Long which have recently come my way would alone
+convince me, apart from the evidence of his record and his writings,
+that here was a very sterling and very independent "character" of whom
+much more should be known. Some day I hope to know more. Meanwhile I
+relate one of the stories. An appeal for cast-off clothing for the poor
+clergy being made, some one took the line that such an appeal was _infra
+dig_. Long smoked, pondered, and thus delivered himself: "But is it not
+paramount that these gentlemen should have trousers?"
+
+
+
+
+A Set of Three
+
+
+The other day I saw three sights, and, although they have no connexion
+with each other, each was in its way sufficiently evocative of thought
+to make that day a little more interesting than most.
+
+It was the first day of the tardy spring of 1917, or rather the first
+day into which had crept those hints that the power of the long, cruel
+war-winter must some day be broken. The sun was almost visible, and a
+tenderness now and then touched the air, and no one who is at all
+responsive to weather conditions could fail to be a little elated and
+believe once more not only in a future of sorts but also in a lurking
+benignancy somewhere. Stimulated myself in this way, even although I was
+approaching a rehearsal of a _revue_, I came suddenly in the King's Road
+upon that disused burial-ground opposite the Six Bells, and was aware
+that, sitting there on seats facing the road, in white aprons and caps,
+with shawls over their shoulders, were five of the saddest old ladies I
+have ever seen--occupants, I presume, of a neighbouring workhouse. There
+they sat, saying nothing, and watching without enthusiasm the passers-by
+and the 'buses and the taxis and all the hurry and scurry of an
+existence from which they are utterly withdrawn and which they will soon
+leave for ever. Being on my frivolous errand, I was pulled up very short
+by the spectacle of five such stallholders as these whom the bigger
+_revue_ which we call life had left so cold; and not only cold, but so
+tired and so white, as life loves to do. There was a poignancy in their
+very placidity, in the folded hands and the incommunicableness of them,
+that was very searching. There was criticism too. Hardly more sentient
+than the mummies which were displayed to the guests at Egyptian feasts,
+they were equally admonitory....
+
+I was glad again to be in the theatre listening to the familiar tones of
+the producer wondering why in thunder no one but himself had the
+faintest respect for punctuality.
+
+Later in the day I saw a blinded officer, with both eyes bandaged, being
+led along Sloane Street. Blinded men are, alas! not rare, and it was not
+the officer himself that attracted my notice, but two fine, upstanding
+young soldiers who as they passed him saluted with as much punctilio as
+though he could see them. Of this salute he was, of course, wholly
+unconscious, but the precision with which it was given, and, indeed, the
+fact that it was given at all, could not but make an impression on the
+observer. It seemed to comprise so thoroughly both the spirit and the
+letter of discipline.
+
+And late that night I watched in the Tube, after the theatres, a man
+and a small eager-faced boy talking about something they had been to
+see. Although sitting exactly opposite them, I have no idea what they
+said, but they amused each other immensely as they recalled this joke
+and that. Nothing extraordinary in this, you will say. But there was.
+The reason why I was so profoundly interested to be a witness of the
+scene was that they were deaf and dumb, and the whole conversation was
+carried on by signs; not by the alphabet that one learnt at school in
+order to communicate during class, but a rapid synthetic improvement
+upon it, where two or three lightning-quick movements--gesture
+grammalogues--sufficed to convey whole sentences of meaning. It is
+perhaps curious, but I had never before been brought into such close
+contact with the deaf and dumb; I have never even been--as, since I
+profess to explore and study London, I should have been--to that church
+in Oxford Street, opposite the great secret emporium, where the deaf and
+dumb worship and by signs are exhorted to be good. Beyond watching that
+boys' school which one sees gesticulating on the Brighton front, I had
+never until this night seen these afflicted creatures in intimate and
+sparkling talk. I found the sight not only interesting, but as cheering
+as those poor old things in the King's Road oasis had been saddening.
+Because the unfortunates were making such a splendid fight for it. No
+boy with every faculty about him could have been gayer or merrier than
+this mute with the dancing eyes; nor can I conceive of a spoken
+conversation that contained a completer interchange of ideas in the same
+space of time.
+
+At Oxford Circus they got out, and left me pondering on deafness and
+dumbness. To be dumb, of course, is, comparatively speaking, nothing;
+for most of the perplexities of life come from talk. But to be deaf--to
+live ever in silence, to see laughing lips moving, to see hands
+wandering over the keys, to see birds exulting, and be denied the
+resultant harmonies: that must be terrible. Yet terrible only to those
+who have known what the solace and gaiety of words and the beauty of
+sound can be. To have been born deaf is different, and I have no doubt
+whatever that the deaf and dumb have delectable lands of their own into
+which we can never stray, where wonderful flowers of silence grow. It is
+even possible, since all the visible world is theirs, that they never
+envy us at all.
+
+
+
+
+A Lesson
+
+
+God--it is notorious--works in a mysterious way to get morality and
+decency into us; which is another way of saying that not all light is
+communicated by the Episcopal bench, by clerks in holy orders, by
+divines who do not conform, or by editors at Whitefield's Tabernacle.
+
+The other day, for example, I had lunch with a very charming actress in
+a pleasant restaurant.
+
+"Rather a funny thing happened the last time I was here," she remarked.
+
+"Yes?" I replied languidly.
+
+"About you."
+
+"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."
+
+"It was also at lunch," she explained. "The people at the next table
+were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man there
+said he had met you in Shanghai."
+
+"Not really!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."
+
+"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"
+
+"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see, I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"
+
+Ever since she told me this I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand, it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.
+
+The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.
+
+What did the man mean? Can we possibly visit other cities in our sleep?
+Has each of us an _alter ego_, who can really behave, elsewhere?
+
+Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact, it has already begun to change it. Let me give you
+an example.
+
+Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had dispatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post office, and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the Postmaster-General himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.
+
+And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly, and apologized, and rewrote the message, and
+gave the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in
+Shanghai one must be delightful at home too.
+
+And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered double in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard some one who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.
+
+
+
+
+=ON BELLONA'S HEM=
+
+(SECOND SERIES)
+
+
+
+
+ON BELLONA'S HEM
+
+
+A Revel in Gambogia
+
+There are certain ebullitions of frivolity about which, during the war,
+one has felt far from comfortable. To read reports of them, side by side
+with the various "grave warnings" which every one has been uttering, is
+to be almost too vividly reminded of England's capacity for divided
+action. But there are also others; and chief among these I should set
+the fancy-dress carnival of munition-workers at which I was privileged
+to be present one Saturday night. Here was necessary frivolity, if you
+like, for these myriad girls worked like slaves all the week, day and
+night, and many of them on Sundays too--and "National filling," as their
+particular task is called, is no joke either--and it was splendid to see
+them flinging themselves into the fun of this rare careless evening.
+
+Fancy dress being the rule, it was only right and proper that there
+should be prizes for the best costumes; and since the lady who shed her
+beneficence over this prismatic throng does nothing by halves, she had
+called in the assistance of two artists to adjudicate. I will not make
+public their names; that would be to overstep the boundaries of decorum
+and turn this book into sheer journalism. But I will say that one of
+them is equally renowned in Chelsea for his distinguished brushwork and
+his wit; and that the other's extravaganzas cheer a million
+breakfast-tables daily. How I, who am not an artist, and so little of a
+costumier that I did not even wear evening dress, got into this _galère_
+is the mystery. I can explain it only by a habit of good fortune, for I
+chanced to be in the studio of the Chelsea artist at the moment when the
+beneficent lady arrived to put her request to him, and, noticing my
+pathetic look, she in her great kindness included me in the invitation.
+
+Deciding on the best costume when there are many hundreds of them, and
+they pass before the dazzled eye in a swift procession of couples, is
+not easy; and only very remarkable men could perform the task. Women
+might find it easier, because they would not be influenced, as one of
+our judges obviously was, by the external claims of personal beauty. A
+woman would look at the costume and nothing else, make her notes with
+scientific precision, and prepare for the next. But when the competitors
+are all--or almost all--girls, and most of them pretty and all jolly,
+why, how can you expect impartiality, especially in artists, and at any
+rate without a struggle? But in spite of the difficulties set up by the
+impact of so much charm upon the emotional susceptibilities of at any
+rate one judge, the process of selecting a first, second, and third was
+accomplished with, I should say--speaking as a calm, detached spectator,
+with all my feelings well under control--absolute equity.
+
+The first prize went to a slender lady of whose features I can say
+nothing because I never saw them, her Eastern costume including a veil
+that covered her face. But it seemed to these not too discerning eyes
+that she was otherwise of an attractive shapeliness. As to her, the
+judges were unanimous; but when it came to the second they were divided.
+The Chelsea judge, again swayed by passion, and possibly recalling old
+triumphs in his Latin Quarter days, preferred a French costume; the
+other was firm for an Indian. What would have happened I dare not think,
+for each was a powerful and determined man, ready to stick at nothing,
+had I not, in my cool-headedness, been inspired to suggest tossing up
+for it, and the result was that, the coin showing heads, the Indian won,
+and the French costume naturally took the third prize. There were then
+two prizes to be awarded for the most original costumes, the previous
+ones having been for the prettiest costumes, and here the winner was a
+jovial lady who with her own hands had transformed herself into an
+advertisement for a certain soup powder.
+
+The iron laws of etiquette (or is it finance?) which so cramp the style
+of any writer who refers to advertisements forbid me to state what
+particular soup powder this was; but according to the hoardings, the way
+in which a pennyworth will nourish and rejoice the human frame is, as
+the Americans say, something fierce. If the applause of the company was
+a guide, this prizewinner is a very popular figure among our "National
+fillers." The second prize went to a very ingenious costume called
+"Tommy's Parcel," consisting of most things that a soldier likes to
+receive, and so thorough in design as to comprise, tied to the lady's
+shoes, two packets of a harmful necessary powder without a copious
+sprinkling of which no trench is really like home. If the approving
+glances at "Tommy's Parcel" from a young officer who was at my side are
+any indication, there are few of our warriors who would not welcome it
+with open arms.
+
+And then--the prizes being all awarded--all these nice girls, on whose
+activities England has been so largely depending for safety, set again
+to partners.
+
+But why, you ask, Gambogia? I thought you would want to know that. It is
+because in the making of munitions at the factory from which these girls
+all come there are certain chemicals which have the effect of turning
+the skin yellow. And among these merry revellers were some thus--but, I
+hope and believe, only temporarily--disfigured. The cheerfulness with
+which they are prepared to run these risks, not to mention others more
+perilous but less menacing to personal vanity, is not the least of the
+finenesses of character which the war has brought out; and the thought
+of that and of their hard work and their gay courage made the spectacle
+of the happy high spirits of this evening of playtime even more a
+satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+The Misfire
+
+
+When I entered the third smoker there was, as there now always is, a
+soldier in one corner.
+
+Just as we were starting, another soldier got in and sat in the opposite
+corner; and within two minutes they knew all about each other's camp,
+destination and regiment, and had exchanged cigarettes.
+
+The first soldier had not yet left England and was stolid; the new-comer
+had been in the trenches, had been wounded in the leg, had recovered,
+was shortly going back, and was animated. His leg was all right, except
+that in wet weather it ached. In fact he could even tell by it when we
+were going to have rain. His "blooming barometer" he called it. Here he
+laughed--a hearty laugh, for he was a genial blade and liked to hear
+himself talk.
+
+The first soldier did not laugh, but was interested. He thought it a
+convenient thing to have a leg that foretold the weather.
+
+"Which one is it?" he asked.
+
+"The left."
+
+The first soldier was disproportionately impressed.
+
+"The left, is it?" he said heavily, as though he would have understood
+the phenomenon in the right easily enough. "The left."
+
+Completely unconscious of the danger-signals, the second soldier now
+began to review his repertory of stories, and he started off with that
+excellent one, very popular in the early days of the war, about the
+wealthy private.
+
+For the sake of verisimilitude he laid the scene in his own barracks. "A
+funny thing happened at our place the other day," he began. He had
+evidently had great success with this story. His expression indicated
+approaching triumph.
+
+But no anticipatory gleam lit the face of his new friend. It was in fact
+one of those faces into which words sink as into sand--a white, puffy,
+long face, with a moustache of obsolete bushiness.
+
+"I thought I should have died of laughing," the narrator resumed,
+utterly unsuspicious, wholly undeterred.
+
+In the far corner I kept my eye on my book but my ears open. I could see
+that he was rushing to his doom.
+
+"We were being paid," he went on, "and the quartermaster asked one of
+the men if he did not wish sixpence to be deducted to go to his wife.
+The man said, 'No.' 'Why not?' the quartermaster asked. The man said he
+didn't think his wife would need it or miss it. 'You'd better be
+generous about it,' the quartermaster said; 'every little helps, you
+know.'"
+
+He paused. "What do you think the man said to that?" he asked his new
+friend. "He said," he hurried on, "'I don't think I'll send it. You see,
+I allow her four thousand a year as it is.'"
+
+The raconteur laughed loudly and leaned back with the satisfaction--or
+at least some of it--of one who has told a funny story and told it well.
+
+But the other did not laugh at all. His face remained the dull thing it
+was.
+
+"You see," said the story-teller, explaining the point, "there are all
+sorts in the Army now, and this man was a toff. He was so rich that he
+could afford to allow his wife four thousand pounds a year. Four
+thousand pounds! Do you see?"
+
+"Oh yes, I see that. He must have been very rich. Why was he just a
+private?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Funny being a private with all that money. I wonder you didn't ask
+him."
+
+"I didn't, anyway. But you see the point now. No end of a joke for the
+quartermaster to try and get a man who allowed his wife four thousand a
+year to deduct sixpence a week to send to her! I thought I should have
+died of laughing."
+
+The first soldier remained impassive. "And what happened?" he asked at
+last.
+
+"What happened?"
+
+"Yes, what was done about it? The sixpence, I mean. Did he agree to send
+it?"
+
+The second soldier pulled himself together. "Oh, I don't know," he said
+shortly. "That's not the point."
+
+"After all," the other continued, "the regulations say that married men
+have to deduct sixpence for their wives, don't they?"
+
+"Yes, of course," the other replied. "But this man, I tell you, already
+gave her four thousand a year."
+
+"That doesn't really touch it," said the first soldier. "The principle's
+the same. Now----"
+
+But I could stand the humiliation of the other honest fellow, so
+brimming with anecdote and cheerfulness, no longer; and I came to his
+rescue with my cigarette case. For I have had misfires myself.
+
+
+
+
+A Letter
+
+(_From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend_)
+
+
+MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came
+my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I
+would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I
+can't.
+
+The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts, and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two
+young fellows want to see you," he said.
+
+Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them.
+
+"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd
+look.
+
+"What do they want?" I asked.
+
+"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the
+doctor."
+
+We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; knocked out by the first route
+march.
+
+"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.
+
+Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"
+
+So I wished them farther and said "Yes"; and in they came.
+
+They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies.
+They held their caps in their hands.
+
+"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my
+brutal way.
+
+"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.
+
+"Of course it can't," I told them. "What use to the Army are weaklings
+who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the machinery. Don't
+you see that?"
+
+"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----"
+
+"Only what?"
+
+"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes"; and they both came closer to me.
+
+"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"
+
+"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud
+of myself for thinking of it.
+
+"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began.
+
+"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in.
+
+"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued.
+
+"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.
+
+"But----" said Red Hair.
+
+"Yes," I replied.
+
+"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?"
+
+"Certainly," I said.
+
+"Well, then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots
+of men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us
+enlist."
+
+"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.
+
+The rum thing is that, although I had been conscious of something odd, I
+never thought they were girls. Directly I knew it, I knew that I had
+been the most unobservant ass alive; for they couldn't possibly be
+anything else.
+
+"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with
+the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do
+as company for you."
+
+"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the
+soldiers.
+
+"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought
+as a man for years and lived to be a hundred."
+
+"And think of Joan of Arc," said Red Hair.
+
+"And Boadicea," said Black Hair.
+
+"Well," I said, "leaving Joan of Arc and Boadicea aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't!"
+
+"Oh!" said Black Hair, who was really rather peculiarly nice. "Then why
+didn't you spot us before?"
+
+One for me.
+
+"I have no doubt I should have done so in a moment more," I said. "The
+fact is"--what cowards we are!--"I was preoccupied when you came in."
+
+Black Hair looked adorably as if she didn't believe it.
+
+"But anyway," I went on, "we must be serious. What would your people
+say?"
+
+"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!"
+
+Here all four of their beautiful eyes grew moist.
+
+I could have hugged both of them, especially perhaps Black Hair, but I
+kept an iron hand on myself.
+
+"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through, how do you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline.
+And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses
+and let your lovely hair grow again."
+
+They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at
+last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it
+(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that
+masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better.
+
+After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something.
+
+I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other.
+
+He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance
+because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been
+running his eye over young women all these years without being able to
+tell them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes.
+
+At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.
+
+"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, sir," he said.
+
+"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?"
+
+"Only about those two young men, sir," he replied.
+
+"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter.
+
+"Better not mention it," I managed to say.
+
+He promised.
+
+There--won't you find that useful?
+
+Yours, C. S.
+
+
+
+
+A Manor in the Air
+
+
+The stately homes of England have ever numbered some very odd names.
+Every one remembers that beautiful Southern retreat whither, to the
+delight of the wags, Mr. Balfour often journeyed for his week-end
+holiday--"Clouds," the seat of the Wyndhams. Could there be a much more
+fascinating name than "Clouds"? And then there is "Wrest," the late Lord
+Lucas's Bedfordshire home, afterwards transformed, how suitably, into a
+hospital for soldiers. And there is that Midland paradise which, in the
+days of placid, even life, the editors of illustrated weeklies always
+recollected with gratitude when they were short of other
+pictures--"Compton Wynyates."
+
+But the new name which I have just discovered, and which fills the
+inward eye with joy, is a house on a smaller scale than these--a
+manor-house rather than a mansion, perhaps one of the smallest that can
+be described as a "gentleman's place," but assuredly that. Somewhere in
+Sussex, western Sussex.
+
+It is not near the station, and to reach it you walk or drive along
+winding roads just now sodden with rain, but smelling of the good wet
+Sussex leaves and mast and soil, with the Downs rising not too many
+miles away in the South. Then a turn into a narrow lane, with the bare
+trees of a copse on either side and a scurrying pheasant in front of
+you, and behold the white gate! There is no lodge--the house is just too
+small for that, as you can now see for yourself, for there it is, under
+the protection of the wood that rises behind it, so quiet and
+self-contained that you almost gasp.
+
+Very old it is, but good for many years more. The frame is of timber and
+plaster, and a Horsham stone roof. These stones are a little damp and
+moss-covered (for our ancestors insisted on building in a hole, or where
+would Friday's fish come from?), and the place is as Tudor as Queen Bess
+herself, in whose reign its foundations were dug. The chimney stacks,
+all smoking with the thin blue smoke of logs, are of tiny Tudor bricks,
+and the chimneys are set not square with the house but cornerways. A
+long low façade with the central door in a square porch; the whole grave
+but serene.
+
+A path of more Horsham stone leads to the door, with thyme and lavender
+springing from the interstices undismayed by the feet of man, and smooth
+lawns on each side, and under the diamond-paned windows a bed where in
+summer would be night stock and lemon verbena and tobacco plant and
+mignonette. On the roof a few white fantails; a spaniel near the door;
+and a great business of rooks in the sky. Through the windows of the
+lower rooms you see the greenery at the back of the house and a
+suggestion here and there of books and pictures--everything that makes a
+house a home.
+
+Beside the house on the right are the stables; and on the other side is
+a dark shrubbery, and beyond that are more lawns and gardens and the
+fish-pond.
+
+Do you see it? Perhaps you have already seen it differently; for how
+could you help forming some mental picture of it when in every carriage
+on the L.B. & S.C.R. is posted up the notice, "Passengers to Lower
+Blinds"?
+
+To me "Lower Blinds," whither all these fortunate passengers are
+journeying, is just such a manor-house as that.
+
+
+
+
+Rivalry
+
+
+When I sat down on the seat facing the Row there was already on it a
+soldier in the familiar blue clothes. He had the red moustache which
+inevitably leads to the nickname of "Ginger," or possibly "Carrots," and
+he was smoking a cigarette. By his side were his crutches. After a
+minute or so a very tall figure, also in blue, hobbled towards us and
+took the space between Ginger and myself.
+
+The freemasonry of arms has, I suppose, always, among rankers, made any
+introduction needless; but there has unhappily come in a new and a super
+freemasonry which goes beyond anything that uniform could do. I mean the
+freemasonry of mutilation. By reason of their wounds these strangers
+were as brothers.
+
+At first they talked hospitals. Then regiments. Then Haig, of whom it
+has so finely and finally been said, by another British hero: "'Aig 'e
+don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say
+don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something--my Gawd!"
+Then they came to grips and mentioned the cause of their
+injuries--bullet or shrapnel. Then the time and the place. Both had been
+hit in the knee, and this coincidence, operating like all coincidences,
+added to their friendliness. Their cigarettes finishing simultaneously,
+Ginger gave Six-foot-two one of his; and Six-foot-two offered his little
+packet to Ginger in exchange.
+
+"Do you often come here?" Ginger asked.
+
+"Every fine day," said Six-foot-two, "unless there's a ride in a brake
+or a free matinee on the tappy."
+
+"I must look you up again," said Ginger.
+
+"Do," said Six-foot-two. "When do you expect to leave?"
+
+"I can't say," replied Ginger. "There's no knowing. You see mine's a
+very extraordinary case." He smiled complacently.
+
+"That's funny. So's mine," said Six-foot-two.
+
+"How do you mean--extraordinary?" the other asked a little sharply.
+
+"Why, the doctors have had so much difficulty with it. It's a unique,
+they say. How many operations did you have?"
+
+"How many did you have?" Ginger replied, with the caution of the
+challenged.
+
+"Go on--I asked you first," said Six-foot-two. "Was it more than eight,
+anyway?"
+
+"It was ten," said Ginger.
+
+"Well, I had eleven," said Six-foot-two proudly. "They went after those
+bullets eleven times. But they're all out now. I had every doctor in the
+place round me."
+
+"So did I," said Ginger, "and one of my bullets isn't out yet. It's
+right in the bone. They're going to try again soon." He had quite
+recovered his good-humour.
+
+"What about your patella?" Six-foot-two inquired after a pause.
+
+"My what?"
+
+"Your patella. Do you mean to say the doctors didn't talk about that?"
+
+"I dare say they may have done, but I don't remember. Still, _our_
+doctors don't talk much--they act."
+
+"Well, so do ours. There aren't better doctors in the world than at our
+place, I can tell you. It's common knowledge. Why, Sir Rashleigh Hewitt
+is there every day--the great Sir Rashleigh Hewitt, the King's doctor."
+
+"Well, the King has more than one. Sir Frank Carver is another, and he's
+at our place day and night. He's a masterpiece."
+
+"I've always understood," said Six-foot-two, "that Sir Rashleigh is at
+the very head of his profession. The nurses say so."
+
+"He may be for some things," Ginger conceded. "But not the knee. Sir
+Frank Carver is the crack knee man. Now if you'd been at our place I
+dare say that one operation would have been enough for you."
+
+"Enough? What rot! How could it be enough, with all the complications? I
+tell you it's a unique, my case."
+
+"Yes, it may be. But what I'm getting at is that it might not be if
+you'd had Sir Frank Carver, the great knee specialist, at it at once."
+
+"Oh, give Sir Frank Carver a rest. Sir Rashleigh Hewitt's good enough
+for me and for anyone else who knows."
+
+"All right," said Ginger. "Keep your hair on!"
+
+"My hair's on right enough," said Six-foot-two. "It's you who are
+getting ratty."
+
+There was a pause, and both lighted new cigarettes, each taking one of
+his own.
+
+"What puzzles me," Six-foot-two began slowly, "is no one saying anything
+about your patella. That's the great marvel of my case--my patella. It's
+full of holes, like a sieve. There's never been one like it before. The
+profession's wild about it. That's what makes me so interesting to
+them."
+
+"Where is it, anyway?" Ginger snapped out.
+
+"In the knee, of course."
+
+"In the knee! Well, if it's in the knee mine must be full of holes too.
+I've got everything you can have in the knee, I tell you. Everything."
+
+"Have they written anything about you in the papers?" Six-foot-two
+asked. "No. Ah," he went on triumphantly, "they have about me. There's a
+medical paper with a piece in it all about my patella. I sent it home
+and they've framed it. It's the most astonishing thing in surgery that
+I should be able to be walking about at all."
+
+"That's what they tell _me_," Ginger replied. "But, anyhow, your bullets
+are all out. I've got another one yet, and by the time that's out I dare
+say I shall have had twenty operations and a whole column in the papers.
+But as for articles in papers, they're nothing. Have you got your X-ray
+photograph?"
+
+"No," Six-foot-two admitted.
+
+"They gave me mine," said Ginger. "I sent it home. It's over the
+mantelpiece, my mother says. People come from miles to look at it. It's
+a pity you didn't get yours. That was foolish of you, if I may say so.
+Well, so long. I'm having tea to-day with one of our grand lady visitors
+in Rutland Gate. If you don't see me here when you come again, the
+chances are I shall be having my next operation. So long!"
+
+"So long!" said Six-foot-two.
+
+Ginger on his crutches moved away.
+
+"Extraordinary," Six-foot-two murmured, either to me or to himself or to
+the Park at large, "how some blokes always want to be the most important
+things in the world."
+
+
+
+
+A First Communion in the War Zone
+
+
+Everyone who has made a stay in Paris or in any French town, and has
+been at all observant, must have noticed, either singly or in little
+groups, that prettiest of the flora and fauna of Roman Catholic
+countries, a "first communicant" in her radiant and spotless
+attire--from white shoes to white veil, and crown of innocence over all.
+One sees them usually after the ceremony, soberly marching through the
+streets, or flitting from this friend to that like runaway lilies.
+Prinking and preening a little in the shop windows, too; and no wonder,
+for it is something to be thus clad and thus important; and never will
+such clothes be worn by these wearers again. Meanwhile the younger
+children envy, and little attendant bodies of proud relations somewhere
+in the vicinity admire and exult.
+
+If I write as if all "first communicants" are little girls, it is
+because it is the little girls who are the most noticeable. And who
+cares about little boys anyway? Yet boys communicate too, and in their
+broad white collars and with their knots of white ribbon they may also
+be seen, although less frankly delighted; indeed, often a little
+self-conscious and ashamed. But the little girls, who know instinctively
+that women are the backbone of the Roman Catholic Church, they are
+natural and full of happy pride; they carry it off with style.
+
+In the spring of 1915 it was my fortune not only to know personally a
+bouquet of these eager little French pietists, but to be present as one
+of the congregation at the great event--their _première communion_. It
+was not in Paris, nor in a town at all, but far away in the country, in
+a village where the guns of Verdun could be heard in the lulls of the
+service. There were six little girls in all, and I saw them pass into
+the safe keeping of their new mother, the Church of Rome, and in visible
+token receive from the officiating hands a pictorial certificate so
+chromatically violent that it could not but satisfy any childish eyes
+and, under such conditions of emotional excitement, must ever remain as
+a symbol of their consecration. I heard, too, the curé's address to
+these lambs, in which he briefly outlined the life and character of
+Christ and of certain of the disciples, coming to each with much the
+same tender precision and ecstasy as a fastidious and enthusiastic
+collector to the choicest porcelain.
+
+But what chiefly interested me was the form of the vow which the good
+curé--one of the best of men, who, in September 1914, saw his church
+reduced to ruins and most of his parish destroyed by fire by the
+invading Huns, and never budged from his post--had himself recently
+drawn up for such occasions. What the usual form of such documents is I
+cannot say, but in view of the serious plight of France and the
+renaissance of patriotic fervour in the brave and unconquerable French
+nation, the curé had infused into this one an element of public duty
+hitherto omitted.
+
+At the end of the "jolie cérémonie," as in conversation he called it,
+and as it truly was, I asked him for a copy of this admirable catechism,
+and here are a few of its questions and answers.
+
+The title is "A Promise to be a good Christian and a good Citizen of
+France":
+
+_Q. What is the road to Heaven?_
+
+_A. That which my mother, the Holy Roman Church, shows me. If I follow
+it, I am convinced that, while gaining happiness for myself, I shall
+increase the glory of my family and the honour of my country._
+
+_Q. Does the Church command you to obey the legitimate laws of your
+country?_
+
+_A. Yes; and I must be ready, if needful, to give my blood for her._
+(Poor little white peacocks!)
+
+_Q. On whom do you count to assist you?_
+
+_A. Here, on earth, on my parents and on my instructors. Above, on God,
+on the angels and the saints, and principally on my guardian angel, on
+the holy Saint Peter, and on the blessed Joan of Arc._
+
+_Q. Who are your enemies?_
+
+_A. The enemies of France, and those who, all unenlightened, attack the
+Church._
+
+_Q. What is your ambition?_
+
+_A. To see France victorious and united in a bond of love with the
+Church, to see her add to the tricolour the Image of the Sacred Heart,
+and to see her take soon her place at the head of the nations._
+
+Is not that rather fine? It must be to the good thus to blend religion
+and patriotism. I know that, especially on that soil over which the
+Germans had spread so devastatingly, one could not listen to these fresh
+young voices raised together in such idealism without a quickened
+heart.
+
+
+
+
+The Ace of Diamonds
+
+
+The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about
+it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they
+sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to
+the vocabulary since August 1914 that a glossary, and perhaps more than
+one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of this
+glossary it is almost impossible to understand some of the numerous
+novels of Poilu life.
+
+By no means the least important of these creations is the infinitesimal
+word "as"--or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des
+carreaux" (to give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds.
+To-day all France, with that swift assimilation which has ever been one
+of its many mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. And what is
+this new meaning?
+
+Well "as" has two. Originally it was applied strictly to flying men, and
+it was reserved to signify an aviator who had brought down his fifth
+enemy machine. Had he brought down only four he was a gallant fellow
+enough, but he was not an "as." One more and he was an ace of diamonds,
+that card being the fifth honour in most French games as well as in
+Bridge.
+
+So much for the first and exact meaning of the term. But later, as I
+gather from a number of _La Baïonnette_ devoted to its uses, the word
+has been extended to cover all kinds of obscure heroes, the men, and
+they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but do not get into
+the papers or receive medals or any mention in dispatches. We all know
+that many of the finest deeds performed in war escape recognition. One
+does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses
+and all the other desirable tokens of valour are conferred wrongly.
+Nothing of the kind. They are nobly deserved. But probably there never
+was a recipient of the V.C. or the D.S.O. or the Military Cross who
+could not--and did not wish to--tell his Sovereign, when the coveted
+honour was being pinned to his breast, of some other soldier not less
+worthy than himself of being decorated, whose deed of gallantry was
+performed under less noticeable conditions. The performer of such a deed
+is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not public hero.
+
+The "as" can be found in every branch of the army, and he is recognized
+as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant.
+Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be
+numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying
+anonymous. "Voilà, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of
+these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that
+chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A."
+
+That satirical child of the war, _La Baïonnette_ every week devotes
+itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette an Beurre_, used to do, to one
+theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, usually in the
+army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the war steadily
+occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I find recorded
+an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to tell it here,
+very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before the attack at
+Carency--and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, for he was
+himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbé a regiment was
+assembled, and to them spoke their captain. The scene was the yard of a
+farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure heap in the
+middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two American reapers
+and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a thin predatory
+dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable and now and then
+scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the dwelling-house door; the
+old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, drawn up, listening to
+their captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all hard-bitten, weary,
+all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, and all ready to go
+on for ever.
+
+This is what the captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking
+calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen
+the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant,
+and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to
+attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an
+hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be
+the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed
+at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for
+the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be
+killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn,
+according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at
+Saïda before the war. What will be left by the time you have reached the
+point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a
+lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold
+it. Fall out."
+
+That captain was an "as."
+
+
+
+
+The Reward of our Brother the Poilu
+
+
+We often talk of the best poem which the war has produced; and opinions
+usually vary. My own vote, so far as England is concerned, is still
+given to Julian Grenfell's lyric of the fighting man; but if France is
+to be included too, one must consider very seriously the claims of _La
+Passion de Notre Frère le Poilu_, by Marc Leclerc, which may be had in a
+little slender paper-covered book, at a cost, in France, where it has
+been selling in its thousands, of one franc twenty-five. This poem I
+have been reading with a pleasure that calls to be shared with others,
+for it is not only very touching and very beautiful, but it has also
+certain of those qualities which are more thoroughly appreciated in
+company. Beauty and tenderness can make their appeal alone; but humour
+demands two at least and does not resent a crowd, and the humour of
+this little masterpiece is very deep and true.
+
+Did I say I had been reading it? That is to use words with unjustifiable
+looseness; rather should I say that I have been in part reading and in
+part guessing at it; for it is written in the Angevin patois, which is
+far beyond my linguistic capacity. Not that Captain Leclerc is a rustic;
+on the contrary, he is a man of culture and the author of several books,
+chiefly on and about Anjou, one of which has illustrations from his own
+hand; but it has amused him in this poem to employ his native dialect,
+while, since he, like so many French authors, is fighting, the soldierly
+part of it is authentic.
+
+It was a poor devil of a Poilu--it begins--and he went to the war,
+automatically enough, knowing without any words about it that the soil
+which he cultivated must also be defended. That was his duty. After
+suffering the usual ills of the campaign, suddenly a 210 burst near him,
+and he never rallied. He just had time to give a few messages to the
+corporal before he died. "You must tell my wife," he said, "but do it
+gradually; say, I'm ill first. Give what money I have here to my pals,"
+and so forth. Then, after repeating his testament, he passed quietly
+away.
+
+On reaching the gate of Heaven the Poilu finds St. Peter beating the
+mats. "Wipe your shoes," St. Peter says, "and take the right-hand
+corridor. The Judgment Hall is at the end." All trembling, the poor
+fellow passes along the corridor, at the end of which an angel in white
+takes down particulars as to his name, his class, and so forth, and
+tells him that he is expected. Entering the Judgment Hall, the Poilu is
+bewildered by its austerity and splendour. The Good God is at the head,
+between Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin. All the saints are there,
+and the Poilu notices particularly the military ones--St. George, St.
+Hubert, St. Michael, St. Leonard, St. Marcel, St. Charlemagne, St.
+Martin, St. Sulpice, St. Barbe, St. Maurice, and St. Jeanne d'Arc.
+Seeing all these famous soldiers, he exclaims, "It's a Conseil de
+Guerre! Perhaps I can slip away." But escape is impossible, and at this
+moment the Good God tells him to begin his history.
+
+"What did you do before the war?" He asks. The Poilu replies that he
+was a farmer in a very small way; he worked on the land, and he had some
+stock--two oxen, a horse, a cow, a wife, some fowls, "and, saving your
+presence, a pig." "Ah!" exclaims St. Anthony, "a pig! That reminds me!
+Pigs! Sois béni, mon frère." But the Good God frowns, and St. Anthony
+makes himself very small.
+
+And then, the Poilu continues, he became a soldier, which leads to the
+awkward question, had he always behaved himself as such? Alas! it
+appears that he had not. For one thing, he has not always been sober, he
+is confessing, when Noah interrupts with the comment that insobriety is
+not such a very serious affair. In fact, he himself once ... and by this
+time the reader begins to get the drift of this joyous humane fantasy,
+the point being that the hierarchy of Heaven are all on the side of the
+brave simple soldier who has died that France might live. As how could
+they not be? Another time, the Poilu continues, he was sent to prison
+for cutting a piece from his coat in order to mend the seat of his
+trousers--in other words, for injuring Government property; and here St.
+Martin breaks in with indignation at the punishment. "Why, when I did
+very much the same," he says, "and cut my cloak to cover a paralytic, I
+was canonized for it!" And so on.
+
+Then comes a graver note. The Poilu, feeling an effort to be necessary,
+for the Good God has never relaxed His sternness throughout, becomes
+eloquent. Not only was he killed, but before that, he says, he suffered
+much. The hardships of war on the Western front are terrible. He had
+been famished, he had been frozen, he had been burned by the sun. He had
+been sleepless, he had been footsore, and the sweat had poured from him
+under his heavy burdens, for often he had carried not only his own
+haversack but those of his comrades. In short.... But here St. Simon,
+speaking softly to Christ, says, "Like you, Lord, at Golgotha." In my
+prose this is, of course, too crude; but I assure you that in the poem
+it is a great moment. And another follows it, for as the Good God still
+says nothing, the Poilu points to the blue robe of the Blessed Virgin,
+and to the great white beard of the Good God himself, and to the red
+cloak of our Lord, and exclaims, "Voilà mes trois couleurs. The three
+colours of France. It was for them that I have lost my life; fighting
+for them has brought me to this Judgment Hall!"
+
+That is fine, is it not? Only the French genius is capable of just such
+a splendid blend of naïveté, emotion, and the best kind of
+theatricalism. And at these words at last the Good God smiles, and
+behind Him Heaven opens for the Poilu to enter.
+
+There is a little more--for it seems that Heaven is full of Poilus with
+blue caps, and golden helmets, and wings that remove the possibility of
+getting wet feet or weary feet any more for ever and ever. And our Poilu
+joins these others, who look happy and are happy, and sings with them
+"Glory to God in the highest," while the angels, not perhaps wholly
+without irony, answer, "Peace on earth and goodwill to men."
+
+
+
+
+Note
+
+
+With the exception of a few pages, the longest essay in this book--that
+which gives it its title--is now published for the first time. The
+papers grouped under the headings "Diversions" and "On Bellona's Hem"
+which follow have already appeared in print, in _Punch_ and _The
+Sphere_, but in their present form have been always revised and often
+extended.
+
+PRINTED BY MORRISON AND GIBB LTD., EDINBURGH
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Transcriber's note:                                       |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Page 156: energitic _sic._                                 |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
+
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Boswell Of Baghdad, by E. V. Lucas.
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Boswell of Baghdad
+       With Diversions
+
+Author: E. V.  Lucas
+
+Release Date: December 10, 2006 [EBook #20083]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<h2>A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="center">
+OTHER WORKS BY E. V. LUCAS<br />
+<br />
+The Vermilion Box<br />
+Landmarks<br />
+Listener's Lure<br />
+Mr. Ingleside<br />
+Over Bemerton's<br />
+London Lavender<br />
+Cloud and Silver<br />
+Loiterer's Harvest<br />
+One Day and Another<br />
+Fireside and Sunshine<br />
+Character and Comedy<br />
+Old Lamps for New<br />
+The Hambledon Men<br />
+The Open Road<br />
+The Friendly Town<br />
+Her Infinite Variety<br />
+Good Company<br />
+The Gentlest Art<br />
+The Second Post<br />
+A Little of Everything<br />
+Harvest Home<br />
+Variety Lane<br />
+The Best of Lamb<br />
+The Life of Charles Lamb<br />
+A Swan and Her Friends<br />
+London Revisited<br />
+A Wanderer in Venice<br />
+A Wanderer in Paris<br />
+A Wanderer in London<br />
+A Wanderer in Holland<br />
+A Wanderer in Florence<br />
+The British School<br />
+Highways and Byways in Sussex<br />
+Anne's Terrible Good Nature<br />
+The Slowcoach<br />
+Remember Louvain!<br />
+Swollen-Headed William<br />
+<br />
+and<br />
+<br />
+The Pocket Edition of the Works of Charles<br />
+Lamb: I. Miscellaneous Prose; II. Elia;<br />
+III. Children's Books; IV. Poems and<br />
+Plays; V. and VI. Letters.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1>A BOSWELL OF<br />
+BAGHDAD</h1>
+
+<h3>WITH DIVERSIONS</h3>
+
+<h4>BY</h4>
+
+<h2>E. V. LUCAS</h2>
+
+<h4>THIRD EDITION</h4>
+
+<p class="center">METHUEN &amp; CO. LTD.<br />
+36 ESSEX STREET W.C.<br />
+LONDON<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Colo">
+<tr><td align='left'><i>This Book was First Published</i></td><td align='left'><i>September 20th</i></td><td align='right'><i>1917</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Second Edition</i></td><td align='left'><i>December</i></td><td align='right'><i>1917</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Third Edition</i></td><td colspan="2"><i>1918</i></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="TOC">
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">page</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>DIVERSIONS&mdash;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Nurses</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">No. 344260</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Two Perkinses</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Arts of Invasion</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Marble Arch and Peter Magnus</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Oldest Joke</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_133">133</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Puttenhams</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Poetry made Easy</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_148">148</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Pioneer</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_153">153</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Full Circle</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_158">158</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Friend of Man</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_164">164</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Listener</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_171">171</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Dark Secret</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_176">176</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Scholar and the Pirate</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_180">180</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Set of Three</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_191">191</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Lesson</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_196">196</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>ON BELLONA'S HEM (SECOND SERIES)&mdash;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Revel in Gambogia</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_201">201</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Misfire</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_207">207</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Letter</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_212">212</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A Manor in the Air</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Rivalry</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_223">223</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">A First Communion in the War Zone</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_229">229</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Ace of Diamonds</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_234">234</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">The Reward of our Brother the Poilu</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap2">Note</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_245">245</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1>A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD</h2>
+
+<h3>I.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Introductory</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A curious and very entertaining work lies before me, or, to be more
+accurate, ramparts me, for it is in four ponderous volumes, capable,
+each, even in less powerful hands than those of the Great Lexicographer,
+of felling a bookseller. At these volumes I have been sipping, beelike,
+at odd times for some years, and I now propose to yield some of the
+honey&mdash;the season having become timely, since the great majority of the
+heroes of its thousands of pages hail from Baghdad; and Baghdad, after
+all its wonderful and intact Oriental past, is to-day under Britain's
+thumb.</p>
+
+<p>The title of the book is <i>Ibn Khallikan's Biographical Dictionary</i>,
+translated from the Arabic by Bn Mac Guckin de Slane, and printed in
+Paris for the Oriental Translation Fund of Great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> Britain and Ireland,
+1842-71, some centuries after it was written, for its author was dead
+before Edward II ascended the English throne. Who would expect Sir
+Sidney Lee to have had so remote an exemplar?</p>
+
+<p>Remote not only in time but in distance. For although we may go to the
+East for religions and systems of philosophy that were old and proved
+worthy centuries before Hellenism or Christianity, yet we do not usually
+find there models for our works of reference. Hardly does Rome give us
+those. But there is an orderliness and thoroughness about Ibn
+Khallikan's methods which the <i>Dictionary of National Biography</i> does
+not exceed. The Persian may be more lenient to floridity ("No flowers,
+by request," was, it will be remembered, the first English editor's
+motto), but in his desire to leave out no one who ought to be in and to
+do justice to his inclusions he is beyond praise.</p>
+
+<p>The modernity of the ancients is continually surprising us. It is one of
+the phenomena to which we are never quite inured (and could we be so we
+should perhaps merely substitute the antiquity of the moderns as a new
+source of wonder),<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> but towards such inuring Ibn Khallikan should
+certainly help, since he was eminently a gossip, and in order to get
+human nature's fidelity to the type&mdash;no matter where found, whether &aelig;ons
+ago or to-day, whether in savage lands or, as we say, civilized&mdash;brought
+home to us, it is to the gossips that we must resort: to the Pepyses and
+Boswells rather than to the Goethes and Platos; to the little recorders
+rather than the great thinkers. The small traits tell.</p>
+
+<p>Ibn Khallikan's Dictionary is as interesting as it is, not because its
+author had any remarkable instinct as a biographer, or any gift of
+selection, but because if a man sets out to take account of everything,
+much human nature and a little excellence are bound to creep in.</p>
+
+<p>I do not pretend to have dug in these volumes with any great
+seriousness. My object has been to extract what was odd and simple and
+most characteristic, in short, what was most human, and there is enough
+residuum for a horde of other miners. But I warn them that the dross is
+considerable. Ibn Khallikan's leniency to trivialities is incorrigible,
+and his pages are filled with pointless anecdotes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> dull sayings, and
+poetry whose only recommendation is its richness in the laboured
+conceits that he loved. So much did he esteem them that were, say, all
+English intellectual effort in every direction at his disposal to
+descant upon, his favourite genius would probably be John Lyly.</p>
+
+<p>But although most of the poetry admired and quoted by Ibn Khallikan is
+marked by affectation, now and then&mdash;but very rarely&mdash;it is beautifully
+simple. Thus, in one of the poems of Ibn Zuhr, a learned Moslim teacher
+and physician of Spain (1113-99), is expressed, with a tenderness and
+charm that no modern or no Greek of the Anthology could exceed, the
+ardent desire which he felt for the sight of his child, from whom he
+happened to be separated: <i>I have a little one, a tender nestling, with
+whom I have left my heart. I dwell far from him; how desolate I feel in
+the absence of that little person and that little face. He longs for me,
+and I long for him; for me he weeps, and I weep for him. Our
+affectionate wishes are weary with passing from him to me, from me to
+him.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>II.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ibn Khallikan</span></h3>
+
+<p>Let me say something as to who Ibn Khallikan was. His father, Muhammad
+Ibn Ibrahim, was professor in the college at Arbela founded by Kukuburi,
+or the Blue Wolf, the governor of that city and the region of which it
+was the capital, the brother-in-law of Salah Ad-Din, the sultan, whom we
+in England know as Saladin, the enemy of the Cross, and the son of Ali
+Ibn Bektikin, known as "Little Ali, the Ornament of Religion." Kukuburi,
+who, although standing for the Crescent and all that was most abhorrent
+to our Crusaders, was famous as a founder of asylums, schools, hospitals
+for the blind, homes for widows, orphanages, and so forth, made special
+favourites of the family of which Ibn Khallikan was a scion. Ibn himself
+was born on September 22, 1211, and before he was two had begun
+instruction by his father and was the recipient of a certificate from
+Zainab, a very learned lady, stating that he was an industrious pupil.</p>
+
+<p>In 1229, after having already read and studied much, particularly
+theology and law, Ibn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> Khallikan left Arbela with his brother and
+entered the college at Aleppo, then an educational centre, remaining
+until 1234. After this he moved from one place to another, always
+seeking more knowledge, until 1247-8, when he is found at Cairo
+occupying a seat in the imperial tribunal and acting as deputy for the
+kadi Sinjar, chief judge and magistrate of all Egypt. Later he himself
+became the kadi of Al-Mahalla, and by 1256, when he was forty-five, he
+had married, become a father, and had completed the first copy of his
+<i>Biographical Dictionary</i>, which was, of course, as we must always
+remember in connexion with the books mentioned in these Lives, a
+manuscript.</p>
+
+<p>In 1261 he was appointed chief kadi over all the provinces of Syria,
+with his tribunal at Damascus, in which post he remained for ten years.
+He was not, however, sole kadi for long, as three others were appointed
+to assist him: a development that was meat and drink to the local
+satirists, one of whom wrote: <i>The men of Damascus are bewildered with
+the multitude of legal decisions. Their kadis are all suns, and yet they
+are in the dark.</i> Another said: <i>The people of</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span><i> Damascus have witnessed
+a perfect miracle: the greater the number of suns the more the world is
+in the dark.</i> Being found wanting, and replaced, Ibn Khallikan took a
+professorship in Cairo, learned by heart further enormous quantities of
+poetry, and engaged in literary discussions which, judging by a specimen
+given in one of his Lives, were even more futile than discussions
+usually are.</p>
+
+<p>The vicissitudes of fortune, always noticeably extreme in the East,
+brought him again to be kadi at Damascus in 1278, when his reappointment
+was signalized by public ceremonies, including the composition by
+numberless poets of congratulatory and adulatory verses, which must have
+been very dear to his simple old heart, and not the less so because he
+may have discovered from his astonishing repertory that not all were
+strictly original: such discoveries and the tracing back of the loans to
+their fount being the greatest of his pleasures.</p>
+
+<p>Thereafter, until the year 1281, the Kadi lived with much honour, famed
+as the most learned and widely-read personage in Damascus, filling his
+house with scholars and discursive amateurs of verse, and engaging in
+conversations<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> that are described by a friend as "most instructive,
+being entirely devoted to learned investigations and the elucidation of
+obscure points."</p>
+
+<p>But Ibn Khallikan, who was now nearing three-score years and ten, was
+destined still to misfortune, for suddenly, in 1281, he was deposed from
+his kadi-ship and, more than that, thrown into prison on the charge of
+having made a remark detrimental to the sultan, Kalavun. A pardon soon
+after arriving, he was liberated and again reinstated; but after ten
+more months as a kadi he was, in 1282, dismissed finally, and this time
+he refused ever more to leave his house, and died there in the same
+year.</p>
+
+<p>Not a word (you will say) so far as to Baghdad. But although Ibn
+Khallikan spent most of his life in Egypt or Syria, the greater number
+of his heroes were, as I have said, citizens all of the city of the
+romance which recently has fallen to Sir Stanley Maude's gallant forces.
+Yet of the romance which we shall always associate with Baghdad he knew
+nothing. To him it was delectable (and perhaps even romantic too&mdash;each
+of us having his own conception of what romance is) because grave
+bearded men there taught religion,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> explained the <i>Koran</i>, disputed as
+to points of grammar, exchanged sarcasms and swapped verses. Not,
+however, as I hope to show, unamusingly.</p>
+
+<p>What indeed I particularly like about the book is the picture that it
+gives of sardonic pleasantry and intellectual and sophisticated
+virtuosity going quietly on side by side with all the splendours and
+barbarities of absolute autocracy and summary jurisdiction. It throws a
+new or unaccustomed light on those days. Not even yet&mdash;not even in
+Bloomsbury, where the poets meet&mdash;have we in England anything quite like
+it; whereas when Baghdad and Damascus were the theatres of these
+poetical and hair-splitting competitions our ancestors had but just got
+the woad off.</p>
+
+
+<h3>III.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Men of Letters</span></h3>
+
+<p>Those of us who know Baghdad only through the <i>Arabian Nights</i> and the
+ingenious productions of Mr. Oscar Asche, were not prepared for such a
+complete foreshadowing of the literary life and the literary temperament
+as Ibn Khallikan gives us.</p>
+
+<p>Here, for example, is a poem by a book-lover<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>&mdash;or manuscript-lover, to
+be more exact&mdash;written by Ibn Faris Ar-Razi, the philologer, who died
+before the Norman Conquest, which a later Occidental can cheerfully
+accept and could not much improve upon: <i>They asked me how I was. I
+answered: "Well, some things succeed and some fail; when my heart is
+filled with cares I say: 'One day perhaps they may be dispelled.' A cat
+is my companion; books, the friends of my heart; and a lamp, my beloved
+consort."</i> That is modern enough! Something of this kind, which is an
+earlier version of Omar Khayy&aacute;m's famous recipe for earthly bliss, has
+often been attempted since by our own poets; but nothing better.
+Favourite books, a lighted lamp, a faithful cat, and the library were
+paradise enow. It is odd, by the way, that Omar Khayy&aacute;m himself,
+although his dates qualify him, is not found in this work. But to make
+tents, even with leanings towards astronomy, was no high road to Ibn
+Khallikan's sympathies. Had Omar explained the <i>Koran</i> or had views on
+the suffixes of words, all would have been well.</p>
+
+<p>While on the subject of sufficient paradises let me quote some verses by
+Ibn Sukkara Al-Hashimi, a famous Baghdad poet of the tenth century:
+<i>The</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span><i> winter set in, and I provided myself with seven things necessary
+when the rain prevents us from pursuing our usual occupations. These
+things are: A shelter, a purse, a stove, a cup of wine preceded by a bit
+of meat, a tender maid, and a cloak.</i></p>
+
+<p>Ibn Khallikan does not let it stop there, but fishes up from his memory
+a derivative, by Ibn Al-Taawizi, running thus: <i>When seven things are
+collected together in the drinking-room, it is not reasonable to stay
+away. These are: Roast meat, a melon, honey, a young girl, wax-lights, a
+singer to delight us, and wine.</i></p>
+
+<p>So much for the modernity and sense of comfort of the Persian author, as
+he flourished in Baghdad all those years ago. But there was then still
+more in publishing than yet meets the eye. The books of the juriconsult,
+Al-Mawardi, for example, reached posterity almost by chance. While he
+lived he did not publish any of his works but put them all up together
+in safety. On the approach of death, however, he said to a person who
+possessed his confidence: "The books in such a place were composed by
+me, but I abstained from publishing them, because I suspected, although
+my intention in writing them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> was to work in God's service, that that
+feeling, instead of being pure, was sullied by baser motives. Therefore,
+when you perceive me on the point of death and falling into agony, take
+my hand in yours, and if I press it, you will know thereby that none of
+these works has been accepted [by God] from me. In this case, you must
+take them all and throw them by night into the Tigris. But if I open my
+hand and close it not, that is the sign of their having been accepted,
+and that my hope in the admission of my intention as sincere and pure,
+has been fulfilled."</p>
+
+<p>"When Al-Mawardi's death drew near," said his friend, "I took him by the
+hand, and he opened it without closing it on mine, whence I knew that
+his labours had been accepted, and I then published his works."&mdash;But
+what a responsibility for a friend!</p>
+
+<p>Penmanship being, of course, the only medium between author and readers
+in those days, it follows that calligraphy was held in high esteem, and
+among famous calligraphers was Kabus Ibn Wushmaghir, who, although "the
+greatest of princes, the star of the age, and the source of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> justice and
+beneficence," thought it worth while (as all mighty rulers have not) to
+write a most beautiful hand. When the Sahib Ibn Abbad saw pieces in his
+handwriting, he used to say: "This is either the writing of Kabus or the
+wing of a peacock"; and he would then recite these verses of
+Al-Mutanabbi's: <i>In every heart is a passion for his handwriting; it
+might be said that the ink which he employed was a cause of love. His
+presence is a comfort for every eye, and his absence an affliction.</i></p>
+
+<p>The extraordinary literary activity of those times may be illustrated by
+the following passage dropped casually into the biographical notice of
+Ali Talib: "The grandson of this thief was the famous Al-Asmai, the
+philologer, who composed treatises on the following subjects: the human
+frame; the different species of animals; on the <i>anwa</i>, or influence of
+the stars on the weather; on the letter <i>hamza</i>; on the long and the
+short <i>elif</i>; on the difference between the names given to the members
+of the human body and those given to the same members in animals; on
+epithets; on the doors of tents; on games of chance played with arrows;
+on the frame of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> horse; on horses; on camels; on sheep; on tents; on
+wild beasts; on the first and fourth form of certain verbs; on proverbs;
+on words bearing each two opposite significations; a vocabulary; on
+weapons; on dialects; on the springs of water frequented by the nomadic
+Arabs; a collection of anecdotes; on the principles of discourse; on the
+heart; on synonymous terms; on the Arabian peninsula; on the formation
+of derivative words; on the ideas which usually occur in poetry; on
+nouns of action; on <i>rajaz</i> verses; on the palm-tree; on plants; on
+homonymous terms; on the obscure expressions met with in the Traditions;
+on the witticisms of the desert Arabs." Ibn closes the list with the
+word "etc." The late John Timbs could hardly beat this record of
+industry and versatility.</p>
+
+<p>There is hope for authors in the following story of Ibn Al-Khashshab,
+who knew the <i>Koran</i> by heart and was a scholar of considerable
+attainments. "When he died," says the Katib Imad Ad-Din, "I was in
+Syria, and I saw him one night in a dream, and said to him: 'How has God
+treated thee?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"'Does God show mercy to literary men?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And if they have been remiss?'</p>
+
+<p>"'A severe reprimand will be given, but,' Al-Khashshab was moved to add,
+and let us never forget it, 'then will come eternal happiness.'"</p>
+
+<p>There are other scraps of consolation, scattered about the volumes,
+which apply not alone to men of letters. The Prophet, for example, once
+said: "Every lie shall be written down as a lie by the recording angels,
+with the exception of three: a lie told in order to reconcile two men; a
+lying promise made by a man to his wife; and a lie in which a man, when
+engaged in war, makes a promise or a threat."</p>
+
+<p>But the most solacing sentiment in the whole four volumes is by the poet
+Abu Nuwas Ibn Hani, who carried Hedonism very far: <i>Multiply thy sins to
+the utmost, for thou art to meet an indulgent Lord. When thou comest
+before Him, thou shalt behold mercy and meet the great, the powerful
+King. Then thou shalt gnaw thy hands with regret, for the pleasures
+which thou avoidedst through fear of hell.</i>&mdash;It is, says Ibn Khallikan,
+a "very fine and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> original thought." It could certainly be a very
+stimulating one.</p>
+
+
+<h3>IV.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The First Grammarian</span></h3>
+
+<p>Grammarians and Traditionists (both given also to poesy) being Ibn
+Khallikan's real heroes, let me say something of each. A Traditionist
+was a learned man intimate with the <i>Koran</i>, whose duty it was to
+separate the spurious traditions which so naturally would have collected
+around such a figure as Muhammad from the true. As to the importance of
+the <i>Koran</i> in Moslim life and its place as the foundation of all Moslim
+learning, let the translator of Ibn Khallikan be heard. "The necessity,"
+he says, "of distinguishing the genuine Traditions from the false gave
+rise to new branches of literature. A just appreciation of the credit to
+which each Traditionist was entitled could only be formed from a
+knowledge of his moral character, and this could be best estimated from
+an examination of his life. Hence the numerous biographical works
+arranged in chronological order and containing short accounts of the
+principal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> Traditionists and doctors of the law, with the indication of
+their tutors and their pupils, the place of their birth and residence,
+the race from which they sprung, and the year of their death. This again
+led Moslim critics to the study of genealogy and geography. The use of
+writing existed in Arabia before the promulgation of Islamism, but
+grammar was not known as an art till the difficulty of reciting the
+<i>Koran</i> correctly induced the khalif Ali to make it an object of his
+attention. He imposed on Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali the task of drawing up
+such instructions as would enable the Moslims to read their sacred book
+and speak their language without making gross faults."</p>
+
+<p>Another version of the beginnings of grammar eliminates the khalif Ali
+altogether. The story goes that as Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali (603-88)
+entered his house on a certain day, one of his daughters said to him:
+"Papa! what is most beautiful in the sky?"</p>
+
+<p>To this he answered: "Its stars."</p>
+
+<p>But she replied: "Papa, I do not mean what is the most beautiful object
+in it; I was only expressing my admiration at its beauty."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"In that case you must say," he observed, "'How beautiful is the sky!'"</p>
+
+<p>Upon thinking this over, says Ibn Khallikan, Abu 'l-Aswad invented the
+art of grammar.</p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali thus is the father of this book, for had there
+been no grammarians I am sure that Ibn Khallikan would never have
+written it. Poetry tickled him; but grammar was his chief delight, as it
+was the chief delight of all his friends and, one gathers, of all
+Baghdad. Here is an example: "Al-Mamun, having asked Al-Yazidi about
+something, received from him this answer: 'No; and may God accept my
+life as a ransom for yours, Commander of the Faithful!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well said!' exclaimed the khalif. 'Never was the word <i>and</i> better
+placed than in the praise which you have just uttered.'" He then made
+him a present.</p>
+
+<p>We get an insight both into the passion for the new science of grammar
+and what might be called the physical humour of the East in this
+anecdote. Abu Safwan Khalid Ibn Safwan, a member of the tribe of Tamim,
+was celebrated as an eloquent speaker. He used to visit Bilal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> Ibn Abi
+Burda and converse with him, but his language was frequently
+ungrammatical. This grew at length so irksome that Bilal said to him: "O
+Khalid! you make me narrations fit for khalifs to hear, but you commit
+as many faults against grammar as the women who carry water in the
+streets."</p>
+
+<p>Stung with this reproach, Khalid went to learn grammar at the mosque,
+and some time after lost his sight. From that period, whenever Bilal
+rode by in state, he used to ask who it was, and on being answered that
+it was the Emir, he would say: "There goes a summer-cloud, soon to be
+dispelled."</p>
+
+<p>When this was told to Bilal, he exclaimed: "By Allah! it shall not be
+dispelled till he get a full shower from it;" and he then ordered him a
+whipping of two hundred strokes.</p>
+
+<p>When books were so few and most learning came through the ear, memory
+had to be cultivated. The Traditionist, Ibn Rahwaih, was a Macaulay in
+his way. "I know," he used to say, "by heart seventy thousand
+traditions; I have read one hundred thousand, and can recollect in what
+work each is to be found. I never heard<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> anything once without learning
+it by heart, nor learned anything by heart which I afterwards forgot."</p>
+
+<p>The sittings of the teacher, Ibn Al-Aarabi (767-846), who knew by heart
+more poetry than any man ever seen, were crowded by people anxious for
+instruction. Abu 'l-Abbas Thalah said: "I attended the sittings held by
+Ibn Al-Aarabi, and saw there upwards of one hundred persons, some asking
+him questions and others reading to him; he answered every question
+without consulting a book. I followed his lessons upwards of ten years,
+and I never saw him with a book in his hand; and yet he dictated to his
+pupils camel-loads of philological information."</p>
+
+<p>The grammarian Moad Ibn Muslim Al-Harra left some good poetry, which he
+gave as having been uttered by genii, demons and female demons. The
+caliph Ar-Raschid once said to him: "If thou sawest what thou hast
+described, thou hast seen wonders; if not, thou hast composed a nice
+piece of literature."</p>
+
+<p>An-Nahhas the grammarian who, on being given a turban-cloth, would cut
+it into three from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> avarice, met his death, in 950, in an unfortunate
+manner&mdash;being, although living in so remote a period, mistaken for a
+"profiteer." I quote Ibn Khallikan's words: "He had seated himself on
+the staircase of the Nilometer, by the side of the river, which was then
+on the increase, and began to scan some verses according to the rules of
+prosody, when a common fellow who heard him said: 'This man is
+pronouncing a charm to prevent the overflow of the Nile, so as to raise
+the price of provisions.' He then thrust him with his foot into the
+river and nothing more was heard of him."</p>
+
+<p>Not all these learned men were philosophical, even though they were
+philosophers. Abu Nizar Ibn Safi Malik An-Nuhat assumed the title
+"Prince of Grammarians," but if any other name was given to him by those
+addressing him he would fly into a passion.</p>
+
+<p>The old fellows could be superstitious too. It is amusing to read that
+Abu Obaida, when repeating passages of the <i>Koran</i> or relating
+Traditions, made mistakes designedly: "For," said he, "grammar brings
+ill luck."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>V.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The First Prosodist</span></h3>
+
+<p>After grammar, prosody. That a falling apple should lead Sir Isaac
+Newton's thoughts to the problem of gravity is not so remarkable, but
+that the laws of prosody should result from an equally capricious
+occurrence strikes one as odd. I mention the discoverer's name partly
+that schoolboys may remember him, or not, in their prayers. It was
+Al-Khalil Ibn Ahmad who, at Mecca, had besought Allah to bestow upon him
+a science hitherto unknown. Allah being in a complaisant mood, it
+followed that not long after, walking in the bazaar, Al-Khalil invented
+prosody as he passed a coppersmith's and heard him hammering a basin.</p>
+
+<p>Once started on his career as an inventor, he continued; but a later
+discovery cost him dear, for having resolved on devising "a method of
+calculation so simple that any servant girl who knew it could go to a
+shopkeeper's without incurring the least possible risk of being deceived
+by him in the sum she would have to pay, he entered the mosque with his
+thoughts occupied on the subject, and he there struck against a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> pillar,
+which his preoccupation hindered him from perceiving. The violence of
+the shock threw him on his back, and death was the result."</p>
+
+<p>Al-Khalil used to remark that a man's reason and intelligence reached
+perfection when he attained the age of forty, the age of the Prophet
+when God sent him forth on his mission; but that they undergo alteration
+and diminution when the man reaches sixty, the age in which God took the
+Prophet's soul to himself. He said, again, that the intelligence is
+clearest at the dawn of day.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VI.&mdash;<span class="smcap">A Group of Poets</span></h3>
+
+<p>No matter what the profession or calling of these Persians&mdash;whether they
+were lawyers or lawgivers, grammarians or warriors&mdash;they all, or almost
+all, adored verbal felicity and tried their hands at verse. Poetry may
+be called the gold dust on their lives.</p>
+
+<p>Ibn Nubata the poet knew how to say thank you. Saif Ad-Dawlat Ibn Hamdan
+having given him a horse, this is how he acknowledged it: <i>O prince!
+thou whose generous qualities are</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span><i> the offspring of thy natural
+disposition, and whose pleasing aspect is the emblem of thy mind, I have
+received the present which thou sentest me, a noble steed whose portly
+neck seems to unite the heavens to the earth on which he treads. Hast
+thou then conferred a government upon me, since thou sendest me a spear
+to which a flowing mane serves as a banner? We take possession of what
+thou hast conferred and find it to be a horse whose forehead and legs
+are marked with white, and whose body is so black that a single hair
+extracted from that colour would suffice to form night's darkest shades.
+It would seem that the morning had struck him on the forehead and thus
+made it white, for which reason he took his revenge by wading into the
+entrails of the morning, and thus whitening his legs. He paces slowly,
+yet one of his names is Lightning; he wears a veil, having his face
+covered with white, as if to conceal it, and yet beauty itself would be
+his only rival. Had the sun and the moon a portion only of his ardour,
+it would be impossible to withstand their heat. The eye cannot follow
+his movements, unless you rein him in and restrain his impetuosity. The
+glances of the eye cannot seize all his perfections, unless the eye be
+led away captive by his beauty and be</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span><i> thus enabled to follow him.</i>&mdash;I
+like the extravagance of that. So should the friend of man be extolled.</p>
+
+<p>Emirs did not disdain to be poets. Majd Ad-Din Al-Mubarak Ibn Munkid,
+although at once "The Sword of the Empire" and "The Glory of Religion,"
+wrote poetry, and not always on the most exalted themes. Among his
+poems, for example, is one on fleas, in which those insects, of which
+Emirs should know nothing, are thus described: <i>A race whom man is
+permitted to slay, and who profane the blood of the pilgrim, even in the
+sanctuary. When my hand sheds their blood, it is not their own, but
+mine, which is shed.</i> "It is thus," says Ibn Khallikan gravely, "that
+these two verses were recited and given as his, by Izz Ad-Din Abu
+'l-Kasim Abd Allah Ibn Abi Ali Al-Husain Ibn Abi Muhammad Abd Allah Ibn
+Al-Husain Ibn Rawaha Ibn Ibrahim Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Ibn Obaid Ibn
+Muhammad Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Al-Ansari, a native of Hamat."</p>
+
+<p>Ibn Khallikan's greed for poetry led him, as I have said, not only to
+quote most things that he could remember of each poet, but to cite also
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> poems of which those reminded him. Sometimes he quoted before he
+was sure of the author; but it made no difference. Thus, of Al-Farra the
+grammarian he says: "No verses have been handed down as his excepting
+the following, which were given by Abu-Hanifa Ad-Dinauri on the
+authority of Abu Bakr At-Tuwal: <i>Lord of a single acre of ground, you
+have nine chamberlains! You sit in an old ruin and have door-keepers who
+exclude visitors! Never did I hear of a door-keeper in a ruined
+dwelling! Never shall the eyes of men see me at a door of yours; a man
+like me is not made to support repulses from door-keepers.</i>" Having got
+his quotation safely into print, Ibn Khallikan adds: "I since discovered
+that these verses are attributed to Ibn Musa 'l-Makfuf. God knows best!"
+It is a charming way of writing biography. The grass does not grow upon
+the weir more easily. With such a rectifying or excusatory phrase as
+"God knows best" one can hazard all. And how difficult it is to be the
+first to say anything!</p>
+
+<p>Here is a poem by an Emir's vizier, Al-Wazi Al-Maghribi: <i>I shall relate
+to you my adventure, and adventures are of various kinds. I one night</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span><i>
+changed my bed and was abandoned by repose; tell me then how I shall be
+on the first night which I pass in the grave?</i></p>
+
+<p>Another vizier, Ibn Al-Amid, the katib, who lived in the eleventh
+century, wrote as follows: <i>Choose your friends among strangers, and
+take not your near relations into favour. Relations are like scorpions
+or even more noxious.</i> Asked which was the worse of his two recurring
+maladies, gout or colic, he replied: "When the gout attacks me I feel as
+if I were between the jaws of a lion devouring me, mouthful by mouthful;
+when the colic visits me, I would willingly exchange it for the gout."</p>
+
+<p>Poetry in those days ran in families. The family which had the greatest
+skill in the art was that of Hassan Ibn Abi Hafsa, for it produced six
+persons, in succession, all of them poets. These were: Said, his father
+Abd Ar-Rahman, his father Hassan, his father Thabit, his father
+Al-Mundir, and his father Hizam. Abd Ar-Rahman began very young. It is
+related that having been stung by a wasp, he went crying to his father,
+who asked what was the matter. He replied: "I have been stung by a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>
+flying thing, dressed, as it were, in a double cloak of striped cloth."</p>
+
+<p>"By Allah!" exclaimed the delighted father, recognizing a chip of the
+old block, "thou hast there pronounced a verse."</p>
+
+<p>The family of Abi Hafsa came next to that of Hassan in poetical gifts.
+The reason was, according to one statement, that they could "all touch
+the point of their nose with their tongue, and this denotes a talent for
+speaking with elegance and precision." "God knows," Ibn Khallikan adds,
+"how far that may be true!"</p>
+
+<p>It was Marwan Ibn Abi Hafsa, of this family, who made such a mistake (in
+a poet depending on the beneficence of the exalted) as to commit himself
+to the sweeping statement, in his elegy on the death of Maan, the Emir,
+that patronage had died with him. "It is said," Ibn Khallikan relates,
+"that Marwan, after composing this elegy, could never gain anything by
+his verses, for, as often as he celebrated the praises of a khalif or of
+any other person less elevated in rank, he to whom the poem was
+addressed would say to him: 'Did you not say, in your famous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> elegy:
+<i>Whither should we go, since Maan is dead? Presents have ceased and are
+not to be replaced?</i>' So the person he meant to praise would not give him
+anything nor even listen to his poem."</p>
+
+<p>But once&mdash;having the persistency of the needy&mdash;Abi Hafsa scored. The
+story goes that, entering into the presence of the khalif Al-Mahdi with
+a number of other poets, he recited to him a panegyric.</p>
+
+<p>"Who art thou?" said the khalif.</p>
+
+<p>"Thy humble poet, Marwan, the son of Abi Hafsa."</p>
+
+<p>"Art thou," said the khalif with great presence of mind, remembering the
+poet's useful indiscretion, "not he who said: <i>Whither should we go,
+since Maan is dead?</i> and yet thou hast come to ask gifts from us!
+<i>Presents have ceased</i>; we have nothing for thee. Trail him out by the
+leg!"</p>
+
+<p>They trailed him out by the leg, but, twelve months later, Marwan once
+more contrived to gain admittance with the other poets, who, at that
+time, were allowed to enter into the khalif's presence once a year. He
+then stood before him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> and recited the kasada which begins thus: <i>A
+female visitor came to thee by night; salute her fleeting image.</i></p>
+
+<p>Al-Mahdi at first listened in silence, but as the poet proceeded, he
+became gradually more and more agitated, till at length "he rolled on
+the carpet with delight."</p>
+
+<p>He then asked how many verses were in the poem and, on being answered,
+"One hundred," he ordered the author a&mdash;present of one hundred thousand
+pieces of silver.</p>
+
+<p>The poet Ibn Ar-Rumi met his necessary end with composure. Al-Kasim Ibn
+Obaid Allah Ibn Sulaiman Ibn Wahb, the vizier of Al-Motadid, dreading to
+incur the satirical attacks of this writer and the outbursts of his
+malignant tongue, suborned a person called Ibn Firas, who gave him a
+poisoned biscuit whilst he was sitting in company with the vizier.</p>
+
+<p>When Ibn Ar-Rumi had eaten it, he perceived that he was poisoned, and he
+rose to withdraw; on which the vizier said to him: "Where are you
+going?"</p>
+
+<p>"To the place," replied Ibn Ar-Rumi, "where you sent me."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well," observed the vizier, "you will present my respects to my
+father."</p>
+
+<p>"I am not taking the road to hell," retorted the poet.</p>
+
+<p>Another poet, Ibn Sara As-Shantarini, falling upon evil days, became a
+bookbinder. As such he wrote the following poem: <i>The trade of a
+bookbinder is the worst of all; its leaves and its fruits are nought but
+disappointment. I may compare him that follows it to a needle, which
+clothes others but is naked itself!</i></p>
+
+
+<h3>VII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Poetry's Rewards</span></h3>
+
+<p>The Patron was a very real factor in the poetical life of Baghdad.</p>
+
+<p>Here is a story told by the poet Abu Bakr Ibn Al-Allaf. "I had passed a
+night at the palace of Al-Motadid with a number of his other companions,
+when a eunuch came to us and said: 'The Commander of the Faithful sends
+to tell you that, after you withdrew, he did not feel inclined to sleep,
+and composed this verse: <i>When the vision of my mistress, fleeting
+through the shades of night, awoke me, behold! my chamber was deserted,
+and far</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span><i> off was the place of our meeting</i>. He says also,' continued the
+eunuch, 'that he cannot complete the piece, and will give a rich present
+to anyone who adds to it a second couplet to his satisfaction.'</p>
+
+<p>"Those who were present failed in accomplishing the task, although they
+were all poets of talent, on which I," says Abu Bakr, "hastened to
+pronounce the following verse: <i>On this I said to my eyes: 'Sleep again;
+perhaps the vision, in its night visits, may return to me!'</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The eunuch then retired, bearing Abu Bakr's not very remarkable effort
+with him, and having come back, said: "The Commander of the Faithful
+declares that your verse is perfect, and he has ordered you a present."</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes the passion for verse enjoyed and encouraged by these courtly
+gentleman seems to reach absurd lengths. Thus Abu Tammam At-Tai, the
+poet, once recited to the Emir Abu Dolad Al-Ijli the following lines:
+<i>At the sight of dwellings abandoned like these, and places of joyous
+meetings now deserted, our tears, long treasured up, were shed in
+torrents!</i></p>
+
+<p>Abu Dolad so admired the piece that he gave the poet fifty thousand
+dirhems, saying: "By<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> Allah! it is less than your poem is worth; and
+that idea is only surpassed in beauty by your elegy on the death of
+Muhammad Ibn Hamid At-Tusi."</p>
+
+<p>"Which," asked Abu Tammam, "does the Emir mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said Abu Dolad, "your poem commencing thus: <i>Now let misfortune
+do its worst, and time inflict its evils! There is no excuse for eyes
+which have not shed their tears.</i> I wish, by Allah! that this elegy had
+been composed by you on me."</p>
+
+<p>"Nay!" said the poet, "may I and my family die to save the Emir, and may
+I leave the world before you!"</p>
+
+<p>To this Abu Dolad replied: "He whose death is deplored in verses like
+those is immortal."</p>
+
+<p>Surely the palmy days of poetry have passed away. How one would like to
+think of Mr. Kipling, say, being summoned to Buckingham Palace to speak
+a piece and retiring with a cheque for &pound;1025, which is what fifty
+thousand dirhems come to.</p>
+
+<p>Gratitude, even when it is excessive, is always a good theme. In the
+following case the proportions<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> were respected with more fitness.
+Al-Wazir Al-Muhallabi was both vizier and poet. He was also a very poor
+vegetarian, and once, on a journey, being unable to obtain flesh-food,
+he recited extempore these verses: <i>Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it? for this life is devoid of good. Oh! let death, whose taste to me is
+sweet, come and free me from a detested life! When I see a tomb from
+afar, I wish to be its inhabitant. May the Being who granteth
+tranquillity have compassion on the soul of the generous man who will
+bestow death, as a charity, upon one of his brethren!</i> These verses
+being heard by a person who was travelling in the same caravan with him,
+and whose name was Abd Allah As-Sufi (or, by another account, Abu
+'l-Hasan Al-Askalani), he bought for Al-Muhallabi a dirhem's worth of
+meat, cooked it, and gave it to him to eat.</p>
+
+<p>"They then," says Ibn, "separated, and Al-Muhallabi having experienced a
+change of fortune, became vizier to Moizz Ad-Dawlat at Baghdad, while
+the person who had travelled with him and purchased the meat for him was
+reduced to poverty. Having then learned that Al-Muhallabi was a vizier,
+he set out to find him and wrote to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> him these lines: <i>Repeat to the
+vizier, for whose life I would sacrifice my own&mdash;repeat to him the words
+of one who reminds him of what he has forgotten. Do you remember when,
+in a life of misery, you said: 'Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it?'</i> The vizier on reading the note recollected the circumstance, and,
+moved with the joy of doing a generous action, he ordered seven hundred
+dirhems to be given to the writer, and inscribed these words on the
+paper: <i>The similitude of those who lay out their substance in the
+service of God is as a grain of corn which has produced seven ears and
+in every ear a hundred grains; for God giveth many-fold to whom He
+pleaseth.</i> He then prayed God's blessing on him, and clothed him in a
+robe of honour, and appointed him to a place under government, so
+that"&mdash;the corollary seems hardly worth adding&mdash;"he might live in easy
+circumstances."</p>
+
+<p>Poetry was, you see, worth practising in Baghdad in those days; nor had
+the poets any shame in accepting presents. What princes liked to give it
+was not for poets to analyse or refuse. Al-Moizz Ibn Badis, sovereign of
+Ifrikya and the son of Badis, was a patron indeed. "Poets," says<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> Ibn
+Khallikan, "were loud in his praise, literary men courted his patronage,
+and all who hoped for gain made his court their halting-place."</p>
+
+<p>To the modern mind he was too easily pleased, if the following story is
+typical. He was sitting, one day, in his saloon with a number of
+literary men about him, when, noticing a lemon shaped like a hand and
+fingers, he asked them to extemporize some verses on that subject. Abd
+Abu Ali Al-Hasan Ibn Rashik Al-Kairawani at once recited the following
+lines: <i>A lemon, with its extremities spread out, appears before all
+eyes without being injured. It seems to hold out a hand towards the
+Creator, invoking long life to the son of Badis.</i></p>
+
+<p>Al-Moizz declared the verses excellent and showed more favour to the
+author than to any other literary man in the assembly.</p>
+
+<p>Ready wit not less than poetical ingenuity could always win the respect
+of these gentlemen, whose cynical cold-bloodedness and implacability
+were ever ready to be diverted, provided that the diversion was
+intellectual. For instance, it is related that Al-Hajjaj said to the
+brother of Katari: "I shall surely put thee to death."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Why so?" replied the other.</p>
+
+<p>"On account of thy brother's revolt," answered Al-Hajjaj.</p>
+
+<p>"But I have a letter from the Commander of the Faithful, ordering thee
+not to punish me for the fault of my brother."</p>
+
+<p>"Produce it."</p>
+
+<p>"I have something stronger than that."</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"The book of Almighty God, wherein He says: 'And no burdened soul shall
+bear the burden of another.'"</p>
+
+<p>Al-Hajjaj was struck with his answer, and gave him his liberty.</p>
+
+<p>Among the lavish patrons of poets Saif Ad-Dawlat stands high. It is
+related that he was one day giving audience in the city of Aleppo, and
+poets were reciting verses in his praise, when an Arab of the desert, in
+squalid attire, stepped forward and repeated these lines: <i>My means are
+spent, but I have reached my journey's end. This is the glory of all
+other cities, and thou, Emir! art the ornament whereby the Arabs surpass
+the rest of men. Fortune, thy slave, has wronged us; and to thee we have
+recourse against thy slave's injustice.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"By Allah!" exclaimed the prince, "thou hast done it admirably." He then
+ordered him a present of two hundred gold pieces.</p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Kasim Othman Ibn Muhammad, a native of Irak and kadi of Ain
+Zerba, relates as follows: "I was at an audience given by Saif Ad-Dawlat
+at Aleppo, when the kadi Abu Nasr Muhammad Ibn Muhammad An-Naisapuri
+went up to him, and having drawn an empty purse and a roll of paper out
+of his sleeve, he asked and obtained permission to recite a poem which
+was written on the paper. He then commenced his kasada, the first line
+of which was: <i>Thy wonted generosity is still the same; thy power is
+uncontrolled, and thy servant stands in need of one thousand pieces of
+silver.</i></p>
+
+<p>"When the poet had finished, Saif Ad-Dawlat burst into a fit of laughter
+and ordered him a thousand pieces of gold, which were immediately put
+into the purse he had brought with him."</p>
+
+<p>Here is a delightful account of the relations between a crafty poet and
+a patron who was not wholly a fool. Abu Dulaf was a spirited, noble, and
+generous chief, highly extolled for his liberality, courage, and
+enterprise, noted for his victories<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> and his beneficence. Men
+distinguished in literature and the sciences derived instruction from
+his discourse, and his talent was conspicuous even in the art of vocal
+music. His praises were celebrated in kasadas of the greatest beauty.
+Bakr Ibn An-Nattah said of him: <i>O thou who pursuest the study of
+alchemy, the great alchemy consists in praising the son of Isa. Was
+there but one dirhem in the world, thou wouldst obtain it by this
+means.</i></p>
+
+<p>It is stated that, for these two verses, Abu Dulaf gave Ibn An-Nattah
+ten thousand dirhems. The poet then ceased visiting him for some time
+and employed the money in the purchase of a village or estate on the
+river Obolla. He afterwards went to see him, and addressed him in these
+words: <i>Thanks to thee, I have purchased an estate on the Obolla,
+crowned by a pavilion erected in marble. It has a sister beside it which
+is now on sale, and you have always money to bestow.</i></p>
+
+<p>"How much," said Abu Dulaf, "is the price of that sister?"</p>
+
+<p>The poet answered: "Ten thousand dirhems."</p>
+
+<p>Abu Dulaf gave him the money, and said: "Recollect that the Obolla is a
+large river, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> many estates situated on it, and that each of these
+sisters has another at her side; so, if thou openest such a door as
+that, it will lead to a breach between us. Be content with what thou
+hast now got, and let this be a point agreed on."</p>
+
+<p>The poet then offered up prayers for his welfare and withdrew.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VIII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">A Brave Poet</span></h3>
+
+<p>The end of the munificent and splendid Ibn Bakiya was tragic, and it
+leads to so fine and characteristic a story that I must tell it here:
+partly in Ibn Khallikan's words and partly in my own. During the war
+which was carried on between the two cousins Izz Ad-Dawlat and Adud
+Ad-Dawlat, the former seized on Ibn Bakiya and, having deprived him of
+sight, delivered him over to Adud Ad-Dawlat. That prince caused him to
+be paraded about with a hood over his head, and then ordered him to be
+cast to the elephants. Those animals killed him, and his body was
+exposed on a cross at the gate called Bab At-Tak, near his own house.</p>
+
+<p>On his crucifixion, an adl of Baghdad, called Abu 'l-Hasan Muhammad Ibn
+Omar Ibn Yakub<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> Al-Anbari, deplored his fate in a beautiful poem, of
+which this is one line: <i>I never saw a tree, before this, enabled to
+sustain all that was generous.</i></p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Hasan, on composing his elegy, copied it out and threw it into
+one of the streets of Baghdad.</p>
+
+<p>It fell into the hands of the literati, who passed it one to another,
+till Adud Ad-Dawlat was at length informed of its existence. He caused
+it to be recited in his presence, and, struck with admiration at its
+beauty, he exclaimed: "O that I were the person crucified, not he! Let
+the poet be brought to me!"</p>
+
+<p>During a whole year strict search was made for the author, and the Sahib
+Ibn Abbad who was then at Rai, being informed of the circumstance, wrote
+out a letter of protection in favour of the poet. When Abu 'l-Hasan
+heard of this, he went to the court of the Sahib and was asked by him if
+it was he who had composed the verses. He replied in the affirmative, on
+which the Sahib expressed the desire to hear them from his own mouth.
+When Abu 'l-Hasan came to the verse, <i>I never saw a tree, before this,
+enabled to sustain all that was generous</i>, the Sahib rose up and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+embraced him, kissing him on the lips; he then sent him to Adud
+Ad-Dawlat.</p>
+
+<p>When he appeared before Adud Ad-Dawlat, that prince said to him: "What
+motive could have induced thee to compose an elegy on the death of my
+enemy?"</p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Hasan replied: "Former obligations and favours granted long
+since; my heart therefore overflowed with sorrow, and I lamented his
+fate."</p>
+
+<p>There were wax-lights burning, at the time, before the prince, and this
+led him to say to the poet: "Canst thou recollect any verses on
+wax-lights?" and to this the other replied by the following lines: <i>The
+wax-lights, showing their ends tipped with fire, seemed like the fingers
+of thy trembling foes, humbly stretched forth to implore thy mercy.</i></p>
+
+<p>On hearing these verses, Adud Ad-Dawlat clothed him in a pelisse of
+honour and bestowed on him a horse and a bag of money.</p>
+
+
+<h3>IX.&mdash;<span class="smcap">A Western Interlude</span></h3>
+
+<p>That beautiful phrase of the poet on his crucified hero&mdash;<i>I never saw a
+tree, before this,</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span><i> enabled to sustain all that was generous</i>&mdash;has an
+oddly close parallel, which I am tempted to record here: a phrase, not
+less beautiful, used by a modern Frenchman, also of a dead man and a
+tree. It occurs in a letter written by Fran&ccedil;ois Bonvin on the death of
+his brother, L&eacute;on, the painter of flowers. L&eacute;on Bonvin's work is little
+known and there is little of it, but those who possess examples treasure
+them like black pearls. Fran&ccedil;ois Bonvin, who is represented in the
+National Gallery, in the modern French and Dutch room, by a scene of
+cattle painted with great decision and confidence and breadth, and who
+died in 1888, was the son of a policeman at Vaugiraud, on the outskirts
+of Paris: an old soldier who divided his time between protecting the
+property of the market gardeners and constructing rockeries for poor
+people's windows. Another, and the youngest son, was L&eacute;on, who after a
+shy and lonely boyhood and youth, under the tyranny of his father, which
+was mitigated by rambles in the neighbouring forest of Meudon, gathering
+flowers and painting them under his brother's encouragement with a
+felicity and fidelity that have not been surpassed, fell, when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> still
+quite young, into the hands of a shrewish vulgar wife, and with her
+opened a tavern. No couple could be more ill-assorted than this gentle
+creature, full of poetry and feeling, whose one ambition was to set
+exquisitely on paper the blossoms which gave him pleasure, and the
+noisy, bustling, angry woman whom he had married.</p>
+
+<p>The union and the commercial venture were alike disastrous; unhappiness
+was accompanied by poverty, and after a short period of depression the
+unfortunate artist, early one morning, in his thirty-third year,
+wandered into the forest of Meudon, where the world had once spread so
+happily before his eyes, and hanged himself.</p>
+
+<p>All this happened in the middle years of the last century, when the same
+revival of nature-worship was inspiring painters in France as had, fifty
+years earlier, flushed Wordsworth's poetry, and such famous and more
+fortunate contemporaries of L&eacute;on Bonvin as Corot and Rousseau and Millet
+and Daubigny and Jacque and Dupr&eacute; were painting in the forest of
+Fontainebleau. Theirs to succeed; poor L&eacute;on found life too hard, and was
+dead when still far from his prime.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And what of the notable phrase? It is one that I know I shall never
+forget, one that will remain indissolubly linked to the name of Bonvin,
+whether it is L&eacute;on who inspired it or Fran&ccedil;ois who penned it and who had
+been so useful in providing his brother with the materials for his one
+absorbing pleasure and had always exhorted him to "do everything from
+nature." Writing to some one of influence in Paris, Fran&ccedil;ois told the
+story of his brother's death. In a postscript he added the information
+that the weight of L&eacute;on's body had broken a branch of the tree. Then
+came the words: "This is the only damage he ever did."</p>
+
+<p>Could there be a more beautiful epitaph or a more poignant commentary on
+a world askew?</p>
+
+
+<h3>X.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Persian Humour</span></h3>
+
+<p>Persian humour is a stealthier thing than English humour. We like to
+laugh; the sudden surprise pleases us. But these old ruminative
+observers of life, even if they rapped out a sarcasm now and then, were
+normally happiest when their fancy was playing quietly around an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> idea:
+fetching similes for it from every quarter and accumulating
+extravagances. Thus: "It is related by Abu 'l-Khattab Ibn Aun Al-Hariri,
+the poet and grammarian, that he went one day to visit An-Nami, and
+found him seated. His hair was white like the Thaghama when in flower,
+but one single black hair still remained.</p>
+
+<p>"'Sir!' said Ibn Aun, 'there is a black hair in your head.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' replied An-Nami, 'it is the sole remnant of my youth, and I am
+pleased with it; I have even written verses on it.'</p>
+
+<p>"Then, at the request of Ibn Aun, he recited these lines: <i>In that head
+a single hair still appeared, preserving its blackness; 'twas a sight
+which rejoiced the eyes of my friends. I said to my white hairs, which
+had put it in fear: 'I implore you! respect it as a stranger. A dark
+African spouse will not long remain in the house where the second wife
+is white of skin.'</i>"</p>
+
+<p>One of the worthiest representatives of the humorists of the book is Abu
+Dulama, a black Abyssinian, whose wits never failed him. Here is the
+poem which he recited when ordered by Ruh, the governor of Basra, to
+attack one of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> enemy single-handed: <i>I fly to Ruh for refuge; let
+him not send me to a combat in which I shall bring disgrace upon the
+tribe of Asad. Your father Al-Muhallab left you as a legacy the love of
+death; but such a legacy as that I have inherited from none. And this I
+know well, that the act of drawing near to enemies produces a separation
+between souls and bodies.</i></p>
+
+<p>Ruh positively declared, however, that Abu Dulama should go forth and
+fight, enforcing the command with the pertinent question, "Why do you
+receive pay from the sultan?"</p>
+
+<p>"To fight for him," replied Abu.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Ruh, "why not go forth and attack that enemy of God?"</p>
+
+<p>"If I go forth to him, O Emir," replied the Abyssinian, "I shall be sent
+to join those who are dead and gone; and the condition I made with the
+sultan was, to fight for him, but not to die for him."</p>
+
+<p>Another wit, Osama Ibn Murshid, having had a tooth drawn, produced the
+following verses, either at the time, for the delectation of the
+dentist, or afterwards, when seated among his friends: <i>I had a
+companion of whom I was never</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span><i> tired, who suffered in my service, and
+laboured with assiduity; whilst we were together I never saw him; and
+when he appeared before my eyes, we had parted for ever.</i></p>
+
+<p>This is how Osama wrote when the house of a miser was burnt down: <i>See
+how the progress of time constrains us to acknowledge that there is a
+destiny. Ibn Talib never lit a fire in his house, through avarice, yet
+by fire it was destroyed.</i></p>
+
+<p>"One thing," says Ibn Khallikan, in the notice of this satirist, "brings
+on another." He then proceeds: "Abu 'l-Hasan Yahya Abd Al-Azim Al-Misri,
+surnamed Al-Jazzar, recited to me the following verses which he had
+composed on another literary man at Cairo, far advanced in age, who,
+being attacked by a cutaneous eruption, anointed himself with sulphur:
+<i>O, learned master, hearken to the demand of a friend devoid of sarcasm:
+thou art old, and of course art near to the fire of hell; why then
+anoint thyself with sulphur?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>As a further quite unnecessary proof of the antiquity of jests which we
+think new, I might append to this excellent sarcasm by a friend devoid
+of sarcasm the story, often now told, of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> the rival chemists in a
+provincial town, one of whom was old-fashioned and costly, and the other
+new and cheap. To the costly one, who had asked too much for sulphur, a
+customer remarked that if he went to the new shop opposite he could get
+it for fourpence; which brought from the old-fashioned chemist, weary of
+this competition, the admirable retort that if he went still farther, to
+a certain place, he would get it for nothing.</p>
+
+<p>East and West join hands again. When I was a boy living in a town by the
+sea, one of my heroes in real life&mdash;whom I never knew, but admired
+fearfully from a distance&mdash;was a famous stockbroker, whose splendid name
+I could give if I chose. One of his many mansions was here, and I used
+to see him often as he managed the finest pair of horses on the south
+coast, which he drove in a phaeton with red wheels, always smoking a
+cigar as he did so. Many were the stories told of his princely Victor
+Radnor-ish ways, one of which credited him with a private compartment on
+the train, into which his guests walked without a ticket&mdash;a magnificent
+idea!&mdash;and another stated that he bought his trousers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> a hundred pairs
+at a time. And then I open this book and read that Barjawan, an
+Ethiopian eunuch, after being stabbed to death by the prince's
+umbrella-bearer, was found to possess a thousand pairs of trousers.</p>
+
+<p>Not a little of the humorous effect of these Persian sayings comes from
+their dry frankness. For example: Ibn Omair, a trustworthy traditionist,
+when, once, he was ill, and a person sent his excuses for not going to
+visit him, answered: "I cannot reproach a person for not visiting me,
+whom I myself should not go to visit were he sick." Modern would-be wits
+might take the hint; for with candour so scarce, and self-criticism
+usually ending in a verdict of complete innocence, the blurted naked
+truth, not unaccompanied by a sidelong thrust at the speaker's own
+fallibility, would always produce the required laugh.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XI.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Satirists</span></h3>
+
+<p>Al-Yazidi, a story of whom I quoted above, was a teacher of Koranic
+readings, a grammarian and a philologer, who taught in Baghdad in the
+ninth century. He was also a famous satirist;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> but satire seems to have
+been easier then than now. So at least I gather from the epigram which
+Al-Yazidi wrote upon Al-Asmai Al-Bahili: <i>You who pretend to draw your
+origin from Asma, tell me how you are connected with that noble race.
+Are you not a man whose genealogy, if verified, proves that you descend
+from Bahila?</i> "This last verse," said Ibn Al-Munajjim, "is one of the
+most satirical which have been composed by the later poets."</p>
+
+<p>I need hardly say that Ibn Khallikan, with his eagle eye and fierce
+memory, does not let the originality of this pass unchallenged. The
+idea, he tells us, is borrowed from the verse in which Hammad Ajrad
+attacked Bashshar, the son of Burd. I like its directness. <i>You call
+yourself the son of Burd, though you are the son of another man. Or,
+grant that Burd married your mother, who was Burd?</i></p>
+
+<p>In sarcasms Al-Yazidi was hard pressed by Abu Obaida, who was a very Mr.
+Brown (<i>vide</i> Bret Harte) in being of "so sarcastic a humour that every
+one in Basra who had a reputation to maintain was obliged to flatter
+him." When dining once with Musa Ibn Ar-Rahman Al-Hilali,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> one of the
+pages spilled some gravy on the skirt of Abu Obaida's cloak.</p>
+
+<p>"Some gravy has fallen on your cloak," said Musa, "but I shall give you
+ten others in place of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Nay!" replied Abu Obaida, "do not mind! <i>Your</i> gravy can do no harm."</p>
+
+<p>Another of Al-Yazidi's satirical efforts, which has no forerunner in Ibn
+Khallikan's recollection, is this, levelled at another mean
+acquaintance; meanness, indeed, being one of the unpardonable
+offences&mdash;especially in the eyes of poets who lived on patronage: <i>Be
+careful not to lose the friendship of Abu 'l-Mukatil when you approach
+to partake of his meal. Breaking his crumpet is for him as bad as
+breaking one of his limbs. His guests fast against their will, and
+without meaning to obtain the spiritual reward which is granted to
+fasting.</i></p>
+
+<p>Apropos of sarcasm, the Merwanide Omaiyide, who reigned in Spain,
+received from Nizar, the sovereign of Egypt, an insulting and satirical
+letter, to which he replied in these terms: "You satirize us because you
+have heard of us. Had we ever heard of you, we should make you a
+reply."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>None of the sarcastic wits are more pointed than the blind mawla Abu
+'l-Aina (806-96), whose tongue was venomously barbed, and who, like
+other blind men, often used his malady as a protection when his satire
+had been excessive. Viziers were his favourite butts. Being one day in
+the society of one of them, the conversation turned on the history of
+the Barmekides and their generosity, on which the vizier said to Abu
+'l-Aina, who had just made a high eulogium of that family for their
+liberality and bounty: "You have praised them and their qualities too
+much; all this is a mere fabrication of book-makers and a fable imagined
+by authors."</p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Aina immediately replied: "And why then do book-makers not relate
+such fables of you, O vizier?"</p>
+
+<p>Again, having gone one day to the door of Said Ibn Makhlad and asked
+permission to enter, Abu 'l-Aina was told that the vizier was engaged in
+prayer. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "there is a pleasure in novelty."</p>
+
+<p>"I am told," said a khalif to him, "that thou hast an evil tongue."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Commander of the Faithful!" replied Abu 'l-Aina, "the Almighty himself
+has spoken praise and satire," and he then quoted this poem: <i>If I
+praise not the honest man and revile not the sordid, the despicable, and
+the base, why should I have the power of saying, "That is good and this
+is bad"? And why should God have opened men's ears and my mouth?</i></p>
+
+<p>Having one day a dispute with a descendant of the Prophet, his adversary
+said to Abu 'l-Aina: "You attack me, and yet you say in your prayers:
+'Almighty God! bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied Abu 'l-Aina, "but I add&mdash;'who are virtuous and pure.'"</p>
+
+<p>Here is one of the stories which Abu 'l-Aina used to tell. "I was one
+day sitting with Abu 'l-Jahm, when a man came in and said to him: 'You
+made me a promise, and it depends on your kindness to fulfil it.'</p>
+
+<p>"Abu 'l-Jahm answered that he did not recollect it, and the other
+replied: 'If you do not recollect it, 'tis because the persons like me
+to whom you make promises are numerous; and if I remember it, 'tis
+because the persons like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> you to whom I may confidently address a
+request are few.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well said! Blessings on your father!' exclaimed Abu 'l-Jahm, and the
+promise was immediately fulfilled."</p>
+
+<p>That blind men should be self-protective is of course, natural, and the
+East has always been rich in them. "The learned Muwaffak Ad-Din
+Muzaffar, the blind poet of Egypt, having gone to visit Al-Kadi As-Said
+Ibn Sana Al-Mulk, the latter said to him: 'Learned scholar! I have
+composed the first hemistich of a verse, but cannot finish it, although
+it has occupied my mind for some days.'</p>
+
+<p>"Muzaffar asked to hear what he had composed, and the other recited as
+follows: <i>The whiteness of my beard proceeds from the blackness of her
+ringlets&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p>"On hearing these words, Muzaffar replied that he had found their
+completion, and recited as follows:&mdash;<i>even as the flame with which I
+burn for her acquired its intensity from her pomegranate-flower</i> [<i>her
+rosy cheeks</i>].</p>
+
+<p>"As-Said approved of the addition, and commenced another verse on the
+same model; but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> Muzaffar said to himself: 'I must rise and be off, or
+else he will make the entire piece at the expense of my wits.'"</p>
+
+
+<h3>XII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">An Early Chess Champion</span></h3>
+
+<p>Much has been written of the origin of chess, and many countries contend
+for the honour of its inception. According to my encyclop&aelig;dia, China,
+India, Persia, and Egypt have each a claim, but it is probable that the
+game existed, in some form or other, before history. The theory is that
+the Arabs introduced it to Europe in the eighth century. Thus the
+cautious encyclop&aelig;dia; but Ibn Khallikan has no such hesitancy. From him
+we get names and dates. Ibn Khallikan gives the credit boldly to one
+Sissah, who, says he, "imagined the game for the amusement of King
+Shihram." Whether Sissah built it out of a clear sky, or had foundations
+on which to erect, is not stated. Anyway, the pastime was a complete
+success. "It is said that, when Sissah invented the game of chess and
+presented it to Shihram, the latter was struck with admiration and
+filled with joy;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> he ordered chess-boards to be placed in the temples,
+and considered that game as the best thing that could be learned,
+inasmuch as it served as an introduction to the art of war, as an honour
+to religion and the world, and as the foundation of all justice.</p>
+
+<p>"He manifested also his gratitude and satisfaction for the favour which
+Heaven had granted him in illustrating his reign by such an invention,
+and he said to Sissah, 'Ask me for whatever you desire.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I then demand,' replied Sissah, 'that a grain of wheat be placed in
+the first square of the chess-board, two in the second, and that the
+number of grains be progressively doubled till the last square is
+attained: whatever this quantity may be, I ask you to bestow it on me.'</p>
+
+<p>"The king, who meant to make him a present of something considerable,
+exclaimed that such a recompense would be too little, and reproached
+Sissah for asking for so inadequate a reward.</p>
+
+<p>"Sissah declared that he desired nothing but what he had mentioned, and,
+heedless of the king's remonstrances, he persisted in his demand.</p>
+
+<p>"The king, at length, consented, and ordered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> that quantity of wheat to
+be given him. When the chiefs of the government office received orders
+to that effect, they calculated the amount, and answered that they did
+not possess near so much wheat as was required.</p>
+
+<p>"These words were reported to the king, and he, being unable to credit
+them, ordered the chiefs to be brought before him. Having questioned
+them on the subject, they replied that all the wheat in the world would
+be insufficient to make up the quantity. He ordered them to prove what
+they said, and, by a series of multiplications and reckonings, they
+demonstrated to him that such was the fact.</p>
+
+<p>"On this, the king said to Sissah: 'Your ingenuity in imagining such a
+request is yet more admirable than your talent in inventing the game of
+chess.'"</p>
+
+<p>Ibn Khallikan was at pains to investigate the matter. Having, he says,
+"met one of the accountants employed at Alexandria, I received from him
+a demonstration which convinced me that the declaration was true. He
+placed before me a sheet of paper in which he had doubled the numbers up
+to the sixteenth square, and obtained<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> thirty-two thousand seven hundred
+and sixty-eight grains. 'Now,' said he, 'let us consider this quantity
+to be the contents of a pint measure, and this I know by experiment to
+be true'&mdash;these are the accountant's words, so let him bear the
+responsibility&mdash;'then let the pint be doubled in the seventeenth square,
+and so on progressively. In the twentieth square it will become a waiba
+(peck), the waibas will then become an irdabb (bushel), and in the
+fortieth square we shall have one hundred and seventy-four thousand
+seven hundred and sixty-two irdabbs. Let us suppose this to be the
+contents of a corn store, and no corn store contains more than that;
+then in the fiftieth square we shall have the contents of one thousand
+and twenty-four stores; suppose these to be situated in one city&mdash;and no
+city can have more than that number of stores or even so many&mdash;we shall
+then find that the sixty-fourth and last square gives sixteen thousand
+three hundred and eighty-four cities. Now, you know that there is not in
+the world a greater number of cities than that, for geometry informs us
+that the circumference of the globe is eight thousand parasangs; so
+that,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> if the end of a cord were laid on any part of the earth, and the
+cord passed round it till both ends met, we should find the length of
+the cord to be twenty-four thousand miles, which is equal to eight
+thousand parasangs.' This demonstration is decisive and indubitable."</p>
+
+<p>Of Sissah I know no more, except that he was from India and that his
+game became popular. Up to the time of Ibn Khallikan, in the thirteenth
+century, its best player was one As-Suli, famous as an author and a
+convivialist, who died one hundred and twenty years before the Norman
+Conquest. "To play like As-Suli" was indeed a proverb. Among this
+proficient's friends was his pupil, the khalif Ar-Radi, who had the
+greatest admiration for As-Suli's genius. One day, for instance, walking
+with some boon companions through a garden filled with beautiful
+flowers, Ar-Radi asked them if they ever saw a finer sight. To this they
+replied, speaking as wise men speak to autocratic rulers, that nothing
+on earth could surpass it.</p>
+
+<p>The retort of the khalif must have given them the surprise of their
+lives. "You are wrong," said he: "As-Suli's manner of playing chess is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>
+yet a finer sight, and surpasses all you could describe!" So might we
+now refer to Hobbs on his day at the Oval, on a hard wicket, against
+fast bowling, with Surrey partisans standing four deep behind the seats,
+or to Stevenson nursing the balls from the middle pocket to the top
+left-hand pocket and then across to the right.</p>
+
+<p>One more anecdote of the Persian Steinitz, and I have done. I tell it
+because it rounds off this interlude with some symmetry by bringing us
+back to my own consultation of the encyclop&aelig;dia at the beginning of it.
+As-Suli had a famous library of books in which he had jotted down the
+fruits of his various reading. When asked a question on any subject,
+instead of answering it he would tell his boy to bring such and such a
+volume in which the matter at issue was treated. This trait led to an
+epigram being written upon him by a rival scholar, Abu Said, to the
+effect that "of all men As-Suli possessed most learning&mdash;in his
+library." There are still men learned on the same terms, but, nowadays,
+we do not have to collect the information for ourselves but go to <i>The
+Times</i> and Messrs. Chambers for it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>XIII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Courtesy and Justice</span></h3>
+
+<p>Harun Ar-Raschid passing near Manbij with Abd Al-Malik Ibn Salih, who
+was the most elegant speaker of all the surviving descendants of
+Al-Abbas, observed a well-built country-seat and a garden full of trees
+covered with fruit, and asked to whom that property belonged.</p>
+
+<p>Abd Al-Malik replied: "To you, Commander of the Faithful! and then to
+me."</p>
+
+<p>This Abd Al-Malik was so famous, as a story-teller that a wise man said
+of him: "When I reflect that Abd Al-Malik's tongue must sooner or later
+moulder into dust, the world loses its value in my sight."</p>
+
+<p>Abu 'l-Amaithal, the poet, was also a most efficient courtier. As he
+kissed one day the hand of Abd Allah Ibn Tahir, that prince complained
+of the roughness of the poet's moustachios, whereupon he immediately
+observed that the spines of the hedgehog could not hurt the wrist of the
+lion. Abd Allah was so pleased with this compliment that he ordered him
+a valuable present.</p>
+
+<p>Another graceful compliment. Of Ishak Ibn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> Ibrahim Al-Mausili, who was
+famous for his voice and was a "constant companion of the khalifs in
+their parties of pleasure," the khalif Al-Motasim charmingly said:
+"Ishak never yet sang without my feeling as if my possessions were
+increased."</p>
+
+<p>Another compliment that goes still deeper. Abu Nuwas, in a lament
+composed on the death of the khalif Al-Amin, said of him: <i>His death was
+the only thing I feared, and now nothing remains for me to dread.</i></p>
+
+<p>These, however, were but speeches. Compliments may be conveyed also by
+deeds, as we find in the case of Imam Al-Haramain, who was so learned
+and acceptable a teacher that, at the moment of his death, his scholars,
+who were four hundred and one in number, broke their pens and inkhorns;
+and they let a full year pass over before they resumed their studies. Of
+these Persians we can believe in the sincerity; but the motives of
+English scholars performing a similar act of renunciation might be open
+to suspicion.</p>
+
+<p>Badi Az-Zaman Az-Hamadani was famous for his epistolary style. Here is a
+passage which, though written in Persia in the tenth century, might have
+aptness in English country houses at this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> moment: <i>When water has long
+remained at rest, its noxious qualities appear; and when its surface has
+continued tranquil, its foulness gets into motion. Thus it is with a
+guest: his presence is displeasing when his stay has been protracted,
+and his shadow is oppressive when the time for which he should sojourn
+is at an end. Adieu.</i></p>
+
+<p>The khalif Ali Ibn Ali Talib was a very just man. Some one having
+committed a theft was brought before him. "Bring me witnesses," said
+Ali, "to prove that he purloined the object out of the saddle-bag."</p>
+
+<p>Unmistakable evidence to that effect being given, Ali immediately
+ordered the fingers of his hand to be cut off.</p>
+
+<p>On this some person said to him: "Commander of the Faithful! why not cut
+it off by the wrist?"</p>
+
+<p>"God forbid!" exclaimed the khalif; "how could he then lean on his
+staff? How could he pray? How could he eat?"</p>
+
+<p>In the Life of Ibn Abd Al-Barr, a Traditionist of Cordova, who, "it is
+stated, died in the year 380 (<span class="smcap">a.d.</span> 990), but God knows best," a
+number of good stories are collected. This is one. "It is related that,
+when Adam was sent out of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> Paradise and down to earth by Almighty God,
+the angel Gabriel went to him and said: 'O Adam! God here sends you
+three qualities, so that you may select one of them for yourself and
+leave the two others.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What are they?' said Adam.</p>
+
+<p>"Gabriel replied: 'Modesty, Piety, and Intelligence.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I choose Intelligence,' said Adam.</p>
+
+<p>"The angel then told Modesty and Piety to return to Heaven, because Adam
+had made choice of Intelligence.</p>
+
+<p>"They answered: 'We will not return.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How!' said he. 'Do you mean to disobey me?'</p>
+
+<p>"They replied: 'We do not, but our orders were, never to quit
+Intelligence wherever she might be.'"</p>
+
+<p>Another story showing how destructively effective may be the use of
+fairness&mdash;politeness with the buttons off&mdash;is of an Arab who, on being
+insulted copiously by a stranger, remained silent. To the question why
+he did not reply, he said: "I know not the man's vices and am unwilling
+to reproach him with defects he may not have."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Two other anecdotes are of the famous jester, Al-Jammaz. The first tells
+how at Basra a man perceiving the new moon, which indicated the
+beginning of the month of fasting, Ramadan, pointed it out eagerly to
+his companions. "When the moon which indicates the end of the fast was
+nearly due, Al-Jammaz knocked at the door of this too officious person
+and said: 'Come! get up and take us out of the scrape into which you
+brought us.'"</p>
+
+<p>Al-Jammaz was delighted with the following example of his readiness.
+"One rainy morning," he said, "I was asked by my wife what was best to
+be done on such a day as that, and I answered: 'Divorcing a troublesome
+wife.' This stopped her mouth."</p>
+
+<p>Al-Mubarrad used frequently to recite these lines at his assemblies: <i>O
+you who, in sumptuous array, strut about like princes and scorn the
+hatred of the poor, know that the saddle-cloth changeth not the nature
+of the ass, neither do splendid trappings change the nature of the pack
+horse.</i></p>
+
+<p>When Al-Mubarrad died a poet wrote of him: <i>Behold the mansion of
+literature half-demolished, and destruction awaiting the remainder.</i>
+That was in 899.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>To excuse himself for a want of social ceremony, Ibn Abi 's-Sakr, "an
+amateur of the belles-lettres," who died in 1105, composed these verses:
+<i>An indisposition called eighty years hinders me from rising to receive
+my friends; but when they reach an advanced age, they will understand
+and accept my excuse.</i></p>
+
+<p>Old age occurs also in a poem of Al-Otbi, who died in 842: <i>When Sulaima
+saw me turn my eyes away&mdash;and I turn my glances away from all who
+resemble her&mdash;she said: "I saw thee mad with love"; and I replied:
+"Youth is a madness of which old age is the cure."</i> This phrase, says
+Ibn Khallikan, afterwards became a proverb. Most nations have anecdotes
+in which the idea occurs.</p>
+
+<p>The following anecdote of the kadi Shuraih, who was famous not only for
+his "great skill in distinguishing right from wrong" but also for his
+humour, is very pleasing. Adi Ibn Arta, who was blind, went to the
+kadi's house one day, and the following dialogue ensued:</p>
+
+<p>"Where are you, kadi? May God direct you!"</p>
+
+<p>"I am between you and the wall."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Listen to me."</p>
+
+<p>"I can hear very well."</p>
+
+<p>"I am a native of Syria."</p>
+
+<p>"It is a distant land."</p>
+
+<p>"And I have married a wife from your country."</p>
+
+<p>"May you live happily and have many children!"</p>
+
+<p>"And I wanted to take her on a journey."</p>
+
+<p>"Each man has the best right over his own family."</p>
+
+<p>"But I engaged not to remove her from her native place."</p>
+
+<p>"Engagements are binding."</p>
+
+<p>"Judge then between us."</p>
+
+<p>"I have already done so."</p>
+
+<p>"And against whom have you given it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Against your mother's son."</p>
+
+<p>"On whose evidence?"</p>
+
+<p>"On the evidence of your maternal aunt's sister's son."</p>
+
+<p>I find a similar quality&mdash;not un-Johnsonian&mdash;in the reply of At-Tirmidi
+the juriconsult to a question, as reported by Abu 't-Taiyib Ahmad Ibn
+Othman As-Simsar. "I was," said he, "at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> Abu Jaafar At-Tirmidi's when a
+person consulted him about the saying of the Prophet, that God descended
+to the heaven of the world (i.e. the lowest of the seven heavens). This
+person expressed his desire to know how there could, in that case, be
+anything more exalted than the lowest heaven?</p>
+
+<p>"At-Tirmidi replied: 'The descent is intelligible; the manner how is
+unknown; the belief therein is obligatory; and the asking about it is a
+blameable innovation.'"</p>
+
+<p>The kadi Yahya Ibn Aktham, although famous for his licentiousness, was
+orthodox to the marrow. It was he who said: "The <i>Koran</i> is the word of
+God, and whoever says that it has been created by man should be invited
+to abandon that opinion; and if he do not, his head should be struck
+off."</p>
+
+<p>The following dialogue between Yahya and a man is very characteristic of
+dry Persian sagacity. The man began it, thus: "May God preserve you! How
+much should I eat?"</p>
+
+<p>Yahya replied: "Enough to get over hunger and not enough to attain
+satiety."</p>
+
+<p>"How long may I laugh?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Till your face brightens, but without raising your voice."</p>
+
+<p>"How long should I weep?"</p>
+
+<p>"Weeping should never fatigue you, if it be through fear of God."</p>
+
+<p>"What actions of mine should I conceal?"</p>
+
+<p>"As many as you can."</p>
+
+<p>"What are the actions which I should do openly?"</p>
+
+<p>"Those which may serve as examples to good and virtuous men, whilst they
+secure you from public reprobation."</p>
+
+<p>On this the man exclaimed: "May God preserve us from words which abide
+when deeds have passed away!" It is possible that there were reserves of
+meaning in this final speech, for Yahya's surname Aktham signifies
+either "a corpulent man" or "sated with food."</p>
+
+<p>I have not borrowed much from Ibn Khallikan's heroics, but this is good.
+Al-Moizz having conquered Egypt, he entered Old Cairo. His pretensions
+to be a descendant of Ali had already been contested, and on his
+approach the people of the city went forth to meet him, accompanied by a
+band of sharifs, and Ibn Tabataba, who was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> one of the number, asked him
+from whom he drew his descent.</p>
+
+<p>To this question Al-Moizz replied: "We shall hold a sitting to which all
+of you shall be convened, and there we shall expose to you the entire
+chain of our genealogy."</p>
+
+<p>Being at length established in the castle of Cairo, he gave a public
+audience, as he had promised, and having taken his seat, he asked if any
+of their chiefs were still alive?</p>
+
+<p>"No," replied they, "not one of any consequence survives."</p>
+
+<p>He then drew his sword half-way out of the scabbard and exclaimed: "This
+is my genealogy! And here," said he, scattering a great quantity of gold
+among them, "are proofs of my nobility!"</p>
+
+<p>On this they all acknowledged him for their lord and master.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XIV.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Ascetics</span></h3>
+
+<p>Of Bishr Ibn Al-Harith Al-Hafi, one of Baghdad's holiest ascetics, it is
+told that his choice of the life of saintliness thus came about.
+Happening to find on the road a leaf of paper with the name<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> of God
+written on it, which had been trampled underfoot, he bought ghalia with
+some dirhems which he had about him, and, having perfumed the leaf with
+it, deposited it in a hole in a wall.</p>
+
+<p>Afterwards he had a dream, in which a voice seemed to say to him: "O
+Bishr! thou hast perfumed my name, and I shall surely cause thine to be
+a sweet odour both in this world and the next."</p>
+
+<p>When he awoke, he gave up the world, and turned to God.</p>
+
+<p>Bishr being once asked with what sauce he ate his bread, replied: "I
+think on good health, and I take that as my sauce."</p>
+
+<p>One of his prayers was this: "O, my God! deprive me of notoriety, if
+thou hast given it to me in this world for the purpose of putting me to
+shame in the next."</p>
+
+<p>It was a true saying of another famous ascetic, Al-Fudail, that, when
+God loves a man, He increases his afflictions, and when He hates a man,
+He increases his worldly prosperity.</p>
+
+<p>Asceticism, however, had not robbed him of human sympathy or warped his
+nature, for he said at another time: "For a man to be polite to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> his
+company and make himself agreeable to them is better than to pass nights
+in prayer and days in fasting."</p>
+
+<p>Abu Ali Ar-Razi said: "I kept company with Al-Fudail during thirty
+years, and I never saw him laugh or smile but on one occasion, and that
+was the death of his son. On my asking him the reason, he replied:
+'Whatever is pleasing to God is pleasing to me.'"</p>
+
+<p>Maruf Al-Karkhi, another celebrated saint, who died in Baghdad in 805,
+had a sensible elasticity. Passing, one day, by a water-carrier who was
+crying out: "God have mercy on him who drinketh!" he went up to him and
+took a drink, although he was at that time keeping a strict fast.</p>
+
+<p>Some one, horrified at the impiety, said to him: "Art thou not keeping a
+fast?"</p>
+
+<p>He replied: "Yes, I am, but I hoped for the fulfilment of that man's
+prayer."</p>
+
+<p>One of the sayings of Abd Al-Ala, a man of holy life, was this: "Buying
+what one does not require, is selling what one requires."</p>
+
+<p>Another pious man, Abu Othman Al-Mazini the grammarian, used to tell the
+following story<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> against himself: "There was a person who, for a long
+time, studied under me the grammar of Sibawaih, and who said to me, when
+he got to the end of the book, 'May God requite you well! As for me, I
+have not understood a letter of it.'"</p>
+
+<p>Yahya, a celebrated preacher, on being asked by a descendant of the
+Prophet, "Tell me, Master! and may God assist you! what is your opinion
+of us who are the people of the house,"&mdash;that is to say, the members of
+Muhammad's family,&mdash;replied: "It is that which I would say of clay
+kneaded with the water of divine revelation and sprinkled with the water
+of the heavenly mission: can it give out any other odour than the musk
+of true direction and the ambergris of piety?"</p>
+
+<p>The Alide was so highly pleased with this answer that he filled Yahya's
+mouth with pearls.</p>
+
+<p>Yahya, who died on March 30, 872, had a very graceful turn for
+apophthegms. "True friendship," said he, "cannot be augmented by
+kindness nor diminished by unkindness." And again, he said: "To him who
+is going to see a true friend the way never appears long; he who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> goes
+to visit his beloved never feels lonely on the road."</p>
+
+<p>The exaltation of friendship is indeed one of the beautiful things about
+this book. And the reader can never have too much of it. Buri Taj
+Al-Muluk was, says Ibn Khallikan, merely a man of talent, but the
+following verse by him contains a perfectly splendid compliment: <i>My
+friend approached from the west, riding on a grey horse, and I
+exclaimed: "Glory to the Almighty! the sun has risen in the west!"</i></p>
+
+<p>At-Tihami, the poet, one of whose poems, an elegy on the death of his
+son, brings ill-luck when quoted, wrote these admirable lines on the
+same theme: <i>In the company of noble-minded men there is always room for
+another. Friendship, it is true, renders difficulties easy: a house may
+be too small for eight persons, yet friendship will make it hold a
+ninth.</i></p>
+
+
+<h3>XV.&mdash;<span class="smcap">A Night Scene</span></h3>
+
+<p>The capriciousness of the moods of these sombre and terrible Eastern
+autocrats&mdash;the strange sentimental chinks in their armour&mdash;are seen in
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> very characteristic story which follows. "Secret information having
+been given to Al-Mutawakkil that the imam, Abu 'l-Hasan Al-Askari, had a
+quantity of arms, books, and other objects for the use of his followers
+concealed in his house, and being induced by malicious reports to
+believe that he aspired to the empire, he sent one night some soldiers
+of the Turkish guard to break in on him when he least expected such a
+visit.</p>
+
+<p>"They found him quite alone and locked up in his room, clothed in a
+hair-shirt, his head covered with a woollen cloak, and turned with his
+face in the direction of Mecca, chanting, in this attitude, some verses
+of the <i>Koran</i> expressive of God's promises and threats, and having no
+other carpet between him and the earth than sand and gravel.</p>
+
+<p>"He was carried off in that attire and brought, in the depth of the
+night, before Al-Mutawakkil, who was then engaged in drinking wine. On
+seeing him, the khalif received him with respect, and being informed
+that nothing had been found in his house to justify the suspicions cast
+upon him, he seated him by his side and offered him the goblet which he
+held in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"'Commander of the Faithful!' said Abu<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> 'l-Hasan, 'a liquor such as that
+was never yet combined with my flesh and blood; dispense me therefore
+from taking it.'</p>
+
+<p>"The khalif acceded to his request, and then asked him to repeat some
+verses which might amuse him.</p>
+
+<p>"Abu 'l-Hasan replied that he knew by heart very little poetry; but
+Al-Mutawakkil having insisted, he recited these lines (which anticipate
+Poe's "Conqueror Worm" very thoroughly): <i>'They passed the night on the
+summits of the mountains, protected by valiant warriors; but their place
+of refuge availed them not. After all their pomp and power, they had to
+descend from their lofty fortresses to the custody of the tomb. O what a
+dreadful change! Their graves had already received them when a voice was
+heard exclaiming: "Where are the thrones, the crowns, and the robes of
+slate? Where are now the faces once so delicate, which were shaded by
+veils and protected by the curtains of the audience-hall?" To this
+demand, the tomb gave answer sufficient: "The worms," it said, "are now
+revelling upon those faces; long had these men been eating and drinking,
+but now they are eaten in their turn."'</i></p>
+
+<p>"Every person present was filled with apprehension<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> for Abu 'l-Hasan
+Ali's safety; they feared that Al-Mutawakkil, in the first burst of
+indignation, would have vented his wrath upon him; but they perceived
+the khalif weeping bitterly, the tears trickling down his beard, and all
+the assembly wept with him.</p>
+
+<p>"Al-Mutawakkil then ordered the wine to be removed, after which he said:
+'Tell me, Abu 'l-Hasan! are you in debt?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' replied the other, 'I owe four thousand dinars.'</p>
+
+<p>"The khalif ordered that sum to be given him, and sent him home with
+marks of the highest respect."</p>
+
+
+<h3>XVI.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Fair</span></h3>
+
+<p>The book contains the lives of very few women; but one of the privileged
+of her sex is Buran, who died in 884. She became the wife of the khalif
+Al-Mamun, who, says Ibn Khallikan rather ungallantly, was "induced to
+marry her by the high esteem he bore her father." That her father, the
+vizier, saw no slight in this, but was not unwilling that his daughter
+should pass under the roof of another, we may perhaps gather from the
+lavishness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> of the wedding, which was celebrated at Fam As-Silh, with
+festivities and rejoicings, the like of which were never witnessed for
+ages before. The vizier's liberality went so far that he showered balls
+of musk upon the Hashimites, the commanders of the troops, the katibs,
+and the persons who held an eminent rank at court. Musk is an expensive
+thing in itself, but each of these balls contained a ticket, and the
+person into whose hands it fell, having opened it and read its contents,
+proceeded to an agent specially appointed for the purpose, from whom he
+received the object inscribed on the ticket, whether it was a farm or
+other property, a horse, a slave-girl, or a mameluk. The vizier then
+scattered gold and silver coins and eggs of amber among the rest of the
+people.</p>
+
+<p>Capricious generosity marked many of these rulers. Thus it is told of
+Ibn Bakiya, the vizier, that in the space of twenty days he distributed
+twenty thousand robes of honour. "I saw him one night at a drinking
+party," says Abu Ishak As-Sabi, "and, during the festivity, he changed
+frequently his outer dress according to custom: every time he put on a
+new pelisse, he bestowed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> it on one or other of the persons present; so
+that he gave away, in that sitting, upwards of two hundred pelisses.</p>
+
+<p>"A female musician then said to him: 'Lord of viziers! there must be
+wasps in these robes to prevent you from keeping them on your body!'</p>
+
+<p>"He laughed at this conceit, and ordered her a present of a casket of
+jewels."</p>
+
+<p>Another of the ladies whom Ibn Khallikan so seldom leaves his high road
+to notice is As-Saiyida Sukaina, who, however, could not well be
+excluded, since she was "the first among the women of her time [she died
+<span class="smcap">a.d.</span> 735] by birth, beauty, wit, and virtue." Part of her fame
+rests upon her repartees to poets: a most desirable form of activity.
+Thus, Orwa had a brother called Abu Bakr, whose death he lamented in
+some extravagant verses of which these are the concluding lines: <i>My
+sorrow is for Bakr, my brother! Bakr has departed from me! What life can
+now be pleasing after the loss of Bakr?</i></p>
+
+<p>When Sukaina heard these verses, she asked who was Bakr? And on being
+informed, she exclaimed: "What! that little blackamoor who used to run
+past us? Why, everything is pleasing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> after the loss of Bakr, even the
+common necessaries of life&mdash;bread and oil!"</p>
+
+<p>Another female intruder. It is told of Ibn As-Sammak, a pious sage and
+"professional relater of anecdotes," that having held a discourse one
+day in the hearing of his slave-girl, he asked her what she thought of
+it. She replied that it would have been good but for the repetitions.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said he, "I employ repetitions in order to make those understand
+who do not."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she replied, "and to make those understand who do not, you weary
+those who do."</p>
+
+<p>One of the sayings of Ibn As-Sammak was: "Fear God as if you had never
+obeyed Him, and hope in Him as if you had never disobeyed Him."</p>
+
+
+<h3>XVII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Great Jaafar</span></h3>
+
+<p>The father of the great Jaafar was Yahya the Barmekide, the friend and
+vizier of Harun Ar-Raschid. From this family Ibn Khallikan claimed
+descent. Yahya was "highly distinguished for wisdom, nobleness of mind,
+and elegance of language." One of his sayings was this: "Three<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> things
+indicate the degree of intelligence possessed by him who does them: the
+bestowing of gifts, the drawing up of letters, and the acting as
+ambassador."</p>
+
+<p>Another: "Spend when Fortune turns toward you, for her bounty cannot
+then be exhausted; spend when she turns away, for she will not remain
+with you."</p>
+
+<p>He said also, very comfortingly: "The sincere intention of doing a good
+action and a legitimate excuse for not doing it are equivalent to its
+accomplishment."</p>
+
+<p>He died in 805, after long imprisonment by the illustrious khalif whose
+pleasure it had been to address him always as "My father."</p>
+
+<p>Such was Jaafar's parent. One of the greatest men in the whole work is
+Jaafar himself, called Jaafar the Barmekide, also vizier to Harun
+Ar-Raschid. Of his somewhat sardonic shrewdness this is a good example.
+Having learned that Ar-Raschid was much depressed in consequence of a
+Jewish astrologer having predicted to him that he would die within a
+year, he interviewed the Jew, who had been detained as a prisoner by the
+khalif's orders.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Jaafar addressed him in these terms: "You pretend that the khalif is to
+die in the space of so many days?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Jew.</p>
+
+<p>"And how long are you yourself to live?" said Jaafar.</p>
+
+<p>"So many years," replied the other, mentioning a great number.</p>
+
+<p>Jaafar then said to the khalif: "Put him to death, and you will be thus
+assured that he is equally mistaken respecting the length of your life
+and that of his own."</p>
+
+<p>This advice was followed by the khalif, who then thanked Jaafar for
+having dispelled his sadness.</p>
+
+<p>At the other extreme&mdash;though akin in sardonic humour&mdash;is this incident.
+It is related that one day, at Jaafar's, a beetle flew towards Abu Obaid
+the Thakefite, and that Jaafar ordered it to be driven away, when Abu
+Obaid said: "Let it alone; it may perhaps bring me good luck; such is at
+least the vulgar opinion."</p>
+
+<p>Jaafar on this ordered one thousand dinars to be given him, saying: "The
+vulgar opinion is confirmed."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The beetle was then set at liberty, but it flew towards Abu Obaid a
+second time, and Jaafar ordered him another present of the same amount.</p>
+
+<p>Such was the affection the khalif felt for Jaafar that he caused a robe
+with two collars to be made which they could wear at the same time.</p>
+
+<p>Fickle, however, are princes, and Jaafar's end came in the usual way,
+through treachery. He was killed, by the khalif's orders, by Yasir.
+Yasir having put Jaafar to death, carried in his head and placed it
+before the khalif.</p>
+
+<p>The khalif looked at the head for some time, and then ordered Yasir to
+bring in two persons whom he named. When they came, he said to them:
+"Strike off Yasir's head, for I cannot bear the sight of Jaafar's
+murderer."</p>
+
+
+<h3>XVIII.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Love and Lovers</span></h3>
+
+<p>As I have said, these four great volumes are a mine from which many
+different metals may be extracted. My own researches having tended
+rather to a certain ironic quality, I have passed many lovers by; but
+let me make an exception or so. There is, for example, Kuthaiyr. In<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> the
+account of this celebrated Arabian amorist, we come upon a very pretty
+story. Being once in the presence of Abd Al-Malik, this prince said to
+Kuthaiyr: "I conjure thee by the rights of Ali Abi Ibn Talib to inform
+me if thou ever sawest a truer lover than thyself."</p>
+
+<p>To this Kuthaiyr replied: "Commander of the Faithful! conjure me by your
+own rights, and I shall answer you."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the prince, "I conjure thee by my own rights; wilt thou not
+tell it to me now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," said Kuthaiyr; "I will. As I was travelling in a certain
+desert, I beheld a man who had just pitched his toils to catch game, and
+I said to him: 'Why art thou sitting here?' And he replied: 'I and my
+people are dying with hunger, and I have pitched these toils that I may
+catch something which may sustain our lives till to morrow.' 'Tell me,'
+said I, 'if I remain with thee and thou takest any game, wilt thou give
+me a share?' He answered that he would; and whilst we were waiting,
+behold, a gazelle got into the net. We both rushed forward; but he
+outran me, and having disentangled the animal, he let it go. 'What,'
+said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> I, 'could have induced thee to do so?' He replied: 'On seeing her
+so like my beloved Laila in the eyes, I was touched with pity.'"</p>
+
+<p>Little men who are disposed to envy the big on account of fair ladies
+may take comfort from Kuthaiyr, for although so ardent and successful,
+he was absurdly small: so short indeed that, when he went to visit Abd
+Al-Aziz Ibn Marwan, that prince used to banter him and say: "Stoop your
+head, lest you hurt it against the ceiling."</p>
+
+<p>He was called Rabb Ad-Dubab (the king of the flies) for the same reason.
+One of his contemporaries said: "I saw him making the circuits round the
+Kaaba; and if anyone tell you that his stature exceeded three spans,
+that person is a liar."</p>
+
+<p>Abu Omar Az-Zahid Al-Mutarriz, although he "ranked among the most
+eminent and the most learned of the philologers," and was famous for his
+"mortified life," could write love poems too. Here is one: <i>Overcome
+with grief, we stopped at As-Sarat one evening, to exchange adieus; and,
+despite of envious foes, we stood unsealing the packets of every
+passionate desire. On saying farewell, she saw me borne down by the
+pains of love,</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span><i> and consented to grant me a kiss; but, impelled by
+startled modesty, she drew her veil across her face. On this I said:
+"The full moon has now become a crescent." I then kissed her through the
+veil, and she observed: "My kisses are wine: to be tasted, they must be
+passed through the strainer."</i> (It seems, however, from Ibn Khallikan's
+anxious dubiety on the matter, that this poem, after all, may have been
+written, like the Iliad, by another poet of the same name. God only
+knows.)</p>
+
+<p>Another Anacreontic, this time by Ibn Zuhr: <i>Whilst the fair ones lay
+reclining, their cheek pillowed on the arm, a hostile inroad of the dawn
+took us by surprise. I had passed the night in filling up their cups and
+drinking what they had left; till inebriation overcame me, and my lot
+was theirs also. The wine well knows how to avenge a wrong; I turned the
+goblet up, and that liquor turned me down.</i></p>
+
+<p>The poetry of love comprises, alas! also the poetry of despair. Here is
+an example by Ibn As-Sarraj, the grammarian: <i>I compared her beauty with
+her conduct, and found that her charms did not counterbalance her
+perfidy. She swore to me never to be false, but 'twas as if she had
+sworn never to be</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span><i> true. By Allah! I shall never speak to her again,
+even though she resembled in beauty the full moon, or the sun, or
+Al-Muktafi!</i></p>
+
+<p>The inclusion of the khalif Al-Muktafi seems to have been an
+afterthought, added when the poet first saw him. Struck by his
+comeliness, he recited the poem to some companions and inserted his name
+at the end. The sequel is amusing and very characteristic. "Some time
+after, the katib Abu Abd Allah Muhammad Ibn Ismail Ibn Zenji repeated
+the verses to Abu 'l-Abbas Ibn Al-Furat, saying that they were composed
+by Ibn Al-Motazz, and Abu 'l-Abbas communicated them to the vizier
+Al-Kasim Ibn Obaid Allah. The latter then went to the khalif and recited
+the verses to him, adding that they were by Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah
+Ibn Tahir, to whom Al-Muktafi immediately ordered a present of one
+thousand dinars.</p>
+
+<p>"'How very strange,' said Ibi Zenji, 'that Ibn As-Sarraj should compose
+verses which were to procure a donation to Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah Ibn
+Tahir!'"</p>
+
+<p>Abu Bakr Ibn Aiyash, the Traditionist and scholar, discovered a remedy
+for lovers which is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> too simple, I fear, to commend itself to less
+philosophic Occidentals affected by the pains of longing. "I was
+suffering," he says, "from an anxious desire of meeting one whom I
+loved, when I called to mind the verse of Zu 'r-Rumma's: <i>Perhaps a flow
+of tears will give me ease from pain; perhaps it may cure a heart whose
+sole companion is sad thoughts.</i> On this I withdrew to a private place
+and wept, by which means my sufferings were calmed."</p>
+
+
+<h3>XIX.&mdash;<span class="smcap">To disarm Critics</span></h3>
+
+<p>And so we come to an end. And how can an author do better than to quote
+Ibn Khallikan's own concluding words, which, though written so long ago
+about a biographical dictionary, may be borrowed by all literary hands
+as palliation for whatever shortcomings their work may have?&mdash;"If any
+well-informed person remark, in examining this book, that it contains
+faults, he should not hasten to blame me, for I always aimed at being
+exact, as far as I could judge; and, besides, God has allowed no book to
+be faultless except His noble <i>Koran</i>."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+<h1>DIVERSIONS</h1>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>DIVERSIONS</h2><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2>Nurses</h2>
+
+
+<p>The conversation turning, as, round English fires, it often does, on the
+peculiarities of an old nurse of the family, I was struck again by the
+tenderness and kindness, shot through with humour, that are always
+evoked by this particular retrospective mood. I would even say that
+people are at their best when they are remembering their nurses. To
+recall one's parents is often to touch chords that vibrate too
+disturbingly; but these foster parents, chosen usually with such strange
+carelessness but developing often into true guardian angels, with good
+influences persisting through life&mdash;when, in reminiscent vein, we set
+them up, one against the other, can call from the speakers qualities
+that they normally may conspicuously lack. Quite dull people can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> become
+interesting and whimsical as their thoughts wander back through the
+years to the day when old Martha or old Jane, or whoever it was, moulded
+them and scolded them and broke the laws of grammar. Quite hard people
+can then melt a little. Quite stern people can smile.</p>
+
+<p>And quite funny people can become intensely funny, as I have melancholy
+reason to know, for, listening to these new anecdotes, I recalled the
+last occasion on which the fruitful theme of a Nanna's oddities had been
+developed; when the speaker was that fascinating athlete and gentleman,
+E. B., a gallant officer with a gift of mimicry as notable as his sense
+of fun and his depth of feeling, who, chiefly for the amusement of two
+children, but equally&mdash;or even more&mdash;to the delight of us older ones,
+not only gave us certain of his old nurse's favourite sayings, in her
+own voice, but reconstructed her features as he did so. All good mimicry
+astonishes and entertains me, and this was especially good, for it
+triumphed over the disabilities of a captain's uniform. Something very
+curious and pretty, and, through all our laughter, affecting, in the
+spectacle of this tall, commanding soldier painting with little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> loving
+comic touches the portrait of the old Malapropian lady with her heart of
+gold. That was a few short months ago, and to-day E. B. lies in a French
+grave.</p>
+
+<p>Malapropisms and old nurses are, of course, inseparable. Indeed, they
+formed again the basis of our talk the other evening, each of us having
+a new example to give, all drawn from memories of childhood. Wonderful
+how these quaint phrases stick&mdash;due, I suppose, to the fact that the
+child does not hear too much to confuse it, and when in this tenacious
+stage notices the sharp differences between the conversation of the
+literate, as encountered in the dining-room and drawing-room, and the
+much more amusing illiteracy below stairs. It will be a bad day for
+England when education is so prevalent that nursemaids have it too. Much
+less interesting will the backward look then become.</p>
+
+<p>How far forward we have moved in general social decency one realizes
+after listening to such conversations as I have hinted at, where respect
+and affection dominate, and then turning to some of the children's books
+of a century ago&mdash;the kind of book in which the parents are always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>
+right and made in God's image, and the children full of faults. In one
+of these I found recently a story of a little girl who, being rude and
+wilful with her maid, was rebuked by her kind and wise mamma in some
+such phrase as, "Although it has pleased the Almighty to set you and
+Sarah in such different positions, you have no right to be unjust to
+her."</p>
+
+<p>Reflecting upon how great a change has come upon the relation of
+employers and employed, and how much greater a change is in store, it
+seems to me that one of the good human kinds of book that does not at
+present exist, and ought to be made, would bring together between two
+covers some of the best servants in history, public and private, and
+possibly in literature too. Nurses first, because the nurse is so much
+more important a factor in family life, and because, to my mind, she has
+never had honour enough. I doubt if enough honour could be paid to her,
+but the attempt has not been sufficiently made. And to-day, of course,
+the very word as I am using it has only a secondary meaning. By "nurse"
+to-day we mean first a cool, smiling woman, with a white cap and
+possibly a red cross, ministering<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> to the wounded and the sick. We have
+to think twice in order to evoke the guardian angel of our childhood,
+the mother's right hand, and often so much more real than the mother
+herself. I would lay special emphasis on the nurse who, beginning as a
+young retainer, develops into a friend and to the end of her days moves
+on parallel lines with the family, even if she is not still of it. These
+old nurses, the nurses of whom the older we grow the more tenderly and
+gratefully we think&mdash;will no one give them a book of praise? I should
+love to read it. And there should not be any lack of material&mdash;with
+Stevenson's Alison Cunningham by no means last on the list.</p>
+
+<p>But if on examination the material proved too scanty, then the other
+devoted servants might come in too, such as Sir Walter Scott's Tom
+Purdie, who should have a proud place, and that wonderful gardener of
+the great Dumas, whose devotion extended to confederacy.</p>
+
+<p>Without Dumas' gardener, indeed, no book in honour of the fidelity of
+man to man could be complete. For just think of it! The only approach to
+the house of the divine Alexandre<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> being by way of a wooden bridge, this
+immortal tender of flowers and vegetables so arranged the planks that
+any undesired caller bearing a writ or long-overdue account would fall,
+all naturally and probably through his own confused carelessness, into
+the river; and, on being pulled out and restored to happy life, would
+not only abandon the horrid purpose of his visit, but, gratitude
+prompting, be generous enough to go at least part of the way towards
+paying the gardener's wages, which otherwise that resourceful benefactor
+might never obtain.</p>
+
+<p>On a place in the volume for this exemplary character, I insist. But, as
+I say, nurses first.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+<h2>No. 344260</h2>
+
+
+<p>Coming, the other day, after every kind of struggle, at last into
+possession of one of the new pound notes, I was interested in placing it
+quickly under the microscope, so to speak, in order that, in case I
+never saw another, I should be able to describe it to my grandchildren.
+How indigent I have been may be gathered from the circumstance that this
+note, being numbered 344260, had three hundred and forty-four thousand
+two hundred and fifty-nine predecessors which had eluded me.</p>
+
+<p>As a work of art it is remarkable&mdash;almost, indeed, a gallery in itself,
+comprising as it does portraiture, design, topography, and the
+delineation of one of the most spirited episodes in religious history.
+After the magic words "One Pound," it is, of course, to St. George and
+the Dragon that the eye first turns. What Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> Ruskin would say of the
+latest version of the encounter between England's tutelary genius and
+his fearsome foe, one can only guess; but I feel sure that he would be
+caustic about the Saint's grip on his spear. To get its head right
+through the dragon's chest&mdash;taking, as it has done, the longest possible
+route&mdash;and out so far on the other side, would require more vigour and
+tension than is suggested by the casual way in which the thumb rests on
+the handle. Dragons' necks and bosoms are, I take it, not only scaly
+without but of a sinewy consistency within that is by no means easy to
+penetrate, and in this particular case the difficulty must have been
+increased by the creature's struggles, which, the artist admits, bent
+the spear very noticeably. None the less, the Saint's hold is most
+delicate, and his features are marked by the utmost placidity.</p>
+
+<p>As a matter of fact, the Saint is not sufficiently armed on our &pound;1
+notes; for in real life, and particularly when he rode out on the Libyan
+plain to do battle with the dragon, he had a sword as well as a spear.
+But he could not have had both if he were dressed as the Treasury artist
+dresses him, unless he carried the sword<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> between his teeth; which he is
+not doing. There is no better authority than <i>The Golden Legend</i>, and
+<i>The Golden Legend</i> (in the translation of Master William Caxton)
+testifieth thus: "Then as they [St. George and the King's daughter, whom
+the dragon desired,] spake together, the dragon appeared and came
+running to them, and St. George was upon his horse, and drew out his
+sword and garnished him with the sign of the cross, and rode hardily
+against the dragon which came towards him, and smote him with his spear
+[spear, now, take notice], and hurt him sore and threw him to the
+ground." The absence of the sword is one error that never ought to have
+gained currency. Another is the grievousness of the wound which is
+depicted; for in real life the wound was so slight, although sufficient,
+that the King's daughter&mdash;but let Master Caxton continue, for he writeth
+better than I ever shall. Having conquered the foe, St. George,
+according to <i>The Golden Legend</i>, "said to the maid: 'Deliver to me your
+girdle, and bind it about the neck of the dragon, and be not afeard.'
+When she had done so, the dragon followed her as it had been a meek
+beast and debonair." It was later, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> not until St. George had
+baptized the King and all his people (which was his reward), that he
+smote off the dragon's head.</p>
+
+<p>To my mind <i>The Golden Legend</i> is too gentle with this contest. I like a
+real fight, and here one is almost as much defrauded as in the story of
+David and Goliath. In treating the victory over the dragon with equal
+lightness, perhaps the Treasury artist, even though he has not followed
+the authority closely enough in other ways, is justified; but he should
+have read the text more carefully, for no one can pretend that a dragon
+so drastically perforated as this one could follow a princess into the
+city. Indeed, it is such a <i>coup de gr&acirc;ce</i> as no self-respecting and
+determined dragon, furnished with wings, inflammable breath, and all the
+usual fittings, would have submitted itself to. Because, given wings,
+neither of which is broken, how would it have allowed itself to come
+into that posture at all?</p>
+
+<p>Saints, however, must be saints; and their adversaries know this.</p>
+
+<p>It was only, as I have said, with incredible difficulties that I could
+get this pound note to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> study; imagine, then, what pains and subterfuges
+were, in 1917, necessary in order to obtain the loan of a sovereign with
+which to compare the golden rendering of the same conflict. Eventually,
+however, I was successful, and one of the precious discs passed
+temporarily into my keeping. It lies beside No. 344260 on the table as I
+write. In this treatment&mdash;Mr. Ruskin's strictures upon which are
+familiar&mdash;one is first struck by the absurdity of the Saint's weapon: a
+short dagger with which he could never do any damage at all, unless
+either he fell off his horse or the dragon obligingly rose up to meet
+the blow. Fortunately, however, the horse has powerful hoofs, and one of
+these is inflicting infinite mischief. Other noticeable peculiarities of
+the sovereign's rendering are the smallness of the horse's head and the
+length of St. George's leg. The total effect, in spite of blemishes, is
+more spirited than that of No. 344260, but both would equally fill a
+Renaissance Florentine medallist with gloom.</p>
+
+<p>So much for the St. Georges and the Dragons of Treasury artists. But
+when it comes to No. 344260's portrait of Mr. John Bradbury, Secretary<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>
+to the Treasury, over his facsimile autograph, in green ink, I have no
+fault to find. This is a strong profile treatment, not a little like the
+King, and I am glad to have seen it. One likes to think of regal
+features and tonsorial habits setting a fashion. Mr. John Bradbury does
+well and loyally to resemble as closely as he can his royal master.</p>
+
+<p>Having reached this point, I turned No. 344260 over and examined the
+back, which represents the Houses of Parliament as seen from Lambeth.
+There are three peculiarities about this picture. One is that all the
+emphasis is laid&mdash;where of late we have not been in the habit of looking
+for it&mdash;on the House of Lords; another is that Parliament is not
+sitting, for the Victoria Tower is without its flag; and the third is
+that Broad Sanctuary has been completely eliminated, so that the Abbey
+and the Victoria Tower form one building. No doubt to the fortunate
+persons through whose hands one pound notes pass, such awful symbolism
+conveys a sense of England's greatness and power; but I think it would
+be far more amusing if the back had been left blank, in case some later
+Robbie Burns (could this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> decadent world ever know so fine a thing
+again) wished to write another lament on it:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For lack o' thee I've lost my lass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For lack o' thee I scrimp my glass.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Or, if not blank, thirty (say) spaces might be ruled on it, in which the
+names of its first thirty owners could be written. By the time the
+spaces were filled it would be a document historically valuable now and
+then to autograph collectors. It would also be dirty enough to call in.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Two Perkinses</h2>
+
+
+<p>Walking in the garden in the cool of the July evening, I was struck
+afresh by the beauty of that climbing rose we call Dorothy Perkins, and
+by her absolute inability to make a mistake. There are in this garden
+several of these ramblers, all heritages from an earlier tenant and all
+very skilfully placed: one over an arch, one around a window, and three
+or four clambering up fir posts on which the stumps of boughs remain;
+and in every case the rose is flowering more freely than ever before,
+and has arranged its blossoms, leaves, and branches with an exquisite
+and impeccable taste. Always lovely, Dorothy Perkins is never so lovely
+as in the evening, just after the sun has gone, when the green takes on
+a new sobriety against which her gay and tender pink is gayer and more
+tender. "Pretty little Dolly Perkins!" I said to myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> involuntarily,
+and instantly, by the law of association&mdash;which, I sometimes fondly
+suppose, is more powerful with me than with many people&mdash;I began to
+think of another evening, twenty and more years ago, when for the first
+time I heard the most dainty of English comic songs sung as it should
+be, with the first words of the chorus accentuated like hammer blows in
+unison:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For&mdash;she&mdash;was&mdash;as&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and then tripping merrily into the rest of it:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">&mdash;beautiful as a butterfly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As fair as a queen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was pretty little Polly Perkins<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of Paddington Green.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>It is given to most of us&mdash;not always without a certain wistful
+regret&mdash;to recall the circumstances under which we first heard our
+favourite songs; and on the evening when I met "Pretty Polly Perkins" I
+was on a tramp steamer in the Mediterranean, when at last the heat had
+gone and work was over and we were free to be melodious. My own position
+on this boat was nominally purser, at a shilling a month, but in reality
+passenger, or super-cargo, spending most of the day either in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> reading
+or sleeping. The second engineer, a huge Sussex man, whose favourite
+theme of conversation with me was the cricket of his county, was, it
+seemed, famous for this song; and that evening, as we sat on a skylight,
+he was suddenly withdrawn from a eulogy of the odd ways and deadly
+left-handers of poor one-eyed "Jumper" Juniper (whom I had known
+personally, when I was a small school-boy, in a reverential way) to give
+the company "Pretty Polly Perkins." In vain to say that he was busy,
+talking to me; that he was dry; that he had no voice. "Pretty Polly
+Perkins" had to be sung, and he struck up without more ado:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'm a broken-hearted milkman,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In woe I'm arrayed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Through keeping the company of<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A young servant maid&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and so forth. And then came the chorus, which has this advantage over
+all other choruses ever written, that the most tuneless singer on earth
+(such as myself) and the most shamefaced (I am autobiographical again)
+can help to swell, at any rate, the notable opening of it, and thus
+ensure the success of the rest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>That evening, as I say, was more than twenty years ago, and I had
+thought in the interval little enough of the song until the other pretty
+Perkins suggested it; but I need hardly say that the next day came a
+further reminder of it (since that is one of the queer rules of life) in
+the shape of a Chicago weekly paper with the information that America
+knows "Pretty Polly Perkins" too.</p>
+
+<p>The ballads of a nation for the most part respect their nationality, but
+now and then there is free trade in them. It has been so with "Pretty
+Polly Perkins"; for it seems that, recognizing its excellence, an
+American singer prepared, in 1864, a version to suit his own country,
+choosing, as it happens, not New York or Washington as the background of
+the milkman's love drama, but the home of Transatlantic culture itself,
+Boston. Paddington Green would, of course, mean nothing to American
+ears, but Boston is happy in the possession of a Pemberton Square, which
+may, for all I know, be as important to the Hub of the Universe as
+Merrion Square is to Dublin, and Polly was, therefore, made comfortable
+there, and, as Pretty Polly Perkins of Pemberton Square, became as
+famous as, in our effete hemisphere,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington
+Green. The adaptor deserves great credit for altering as little as
+possible. Beyond Polly's abode, and the necessary rhymes to mate with
+Square, he did nothing, so that the song, while transplanted to America,
+remained racy of the English capital. It was still the broken-hearted
+milkman who sang it, and the <i>d&eacute;nouement</i>, which is so very
+English&mdash;and, more than English, Cockney&mdash;was unaltered:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In six months she married,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That hard-hearted girl;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It was not a squire,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And it was not a nearl.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It was not a baronet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But a shade or two wuss&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas the wulgar old driver<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of a twopenny 'bus.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>But the story of Polly is nothing. The merit of the song is its air, the
+novelty and ingenuity of its chorus, and the praises of Polly which the
+chorus embodies. The celebration of charming women is never out of date.
+Some are sung about in the Mediterranean, some in Boston, and some all
+the world over; others give their names to roses.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>So far had I written&mdash;and published&mdash;in a weekly paper, leaving open a
+loophole or two for kind and well-instructed readers to come to my aid;
+and as usual (for I am very fortunate in these matters) they did so.
+Before I was a month older I knew all. I knew that the author, composer,
+and singer of "Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington Green" were one and
+the same: the famous Harry Clifton; and that Polly married "not the
+wulgar old driver" of a twopenny 'bus, as was my mistaken belief, but
+quite the reverse&mdash;that is to say, the "bandy-legged conductor" of the
+same vehicle. A gentleman in Ireland was even so obliging as to send me
+another ballad by Harry Clifton, on the front of which is his portrait
+and on the back a list of his triumphs&mdash;and they make very startling
+reading, at any rate to me, who have never been versatile. The number of
+songs alone is appalling: no fewer than thirty to which he had also put
+the music and over fifty to which the music was composed by others, but
+which with acceptance he sang. Judging by the titles and the first
+lines, which in the advertisement are always given, these songs of the
+sixties were very much better things<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> than most of the songs of our
+enlightened day. They seem to have had character, a humorous
+sententiousness, and a genial view of life. And judging by his portrait
+on the cover, Harry Clifton was a kindly, honest type of man, to whom
+such accessories of the modern comic singer's success as the
+well-advertised membership of a night club, or choice of an expensive
+restaurant, were a superfluity.</p>
+
+<p>Having read these letters and the list of songs, I called on a friend
+who was at that moment lying on a bed of sickness, from which, alas! he
+never rose&mdash;the late George Bull, the drollest raconteur in London and
+one of the best of men, who, so far as I am concerned, carried away with
+him an irreplaceable portion of the good humour of life; and I found
+that the name of Harry Clifton touched more than one chord. He had heard
+Harry Clifton sing. As a child, music-halls were barred to him, but
+Harry Clifton, it seems, was so humane and well-grounded&mdash;his
+fundamentals, as Dr. Johnson would say, were so sound&mdash;that he sang also
+at Assembly Rooms, and there my friend was taken, in his tender years,
+by his father, to hear him. There he heard the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> good fellow, who was
+conspicuously jolly and most cordially Irish, sing several of his great
+hits, and in particular "A Motto for Every Man," "Paddle Your Own
+Canoe," and "Lannigan's Ball" (set to a most admirable jig tune which
+has become a classic), one phrase from which was adopted into the Irish
+vernacular as a saying: "Just in time for Lannigan's ball." Clifton
+might indeed be called the Tom Moore of his day, with as large a public,
+although not quite so illigant a one. For where Moore warbled to the
+ladies, Clifton sang to the people. Such a ballad as that extolling the
+mare of Pat of Mullingar must have gone straight to the hearts of the
+countrymen of Mr. Flurry Knox:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They may talk of Flying Childers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And the speed of Harkaway,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till the fancy it bewilders<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As you list to what they say.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But for rale blood and beauty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You may travel near and far&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The fastest mare you'll find belongs<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To Pat of Mullingar.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>An old lady in Dublin who remembers Clifton singing this song tells me
+that the chorus, "So we'll trot along O," was so descriptive, both in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+words and music, that one had from it all the sensations of a "joult."</p>
+
+<p>Harry Clifton seems to have had three distinct lines&mdash;the comic song, of
+which "Pretty Polly Perkins" may be considered the best example; the
+Irish song; and the Motto song, inculcating a sweet reasonableness and
+content amid life's many trials and tribulations. Although, no doubt,
+such optimism was somewhat facile, it cannot be denied that a little
+dose of silver-lining advice, artfully concealed in the jam of a good
+tune and a humorous twist of words, does no harm and may have a
+beneficial effect. The chorus of "A Motto for Every Man," for example,
+runs thus:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We cannot all fight in this battle of life,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The weak must go to the wall.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So do to each other the thing that is right,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For there's room in this world for us all.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>An easy sentiment; but sufficient people in the sixties were attracted
+by it to flock to hear Harry Clifton all over England and Ireland, and
+it is probable that most came away with momentarily expanded bosoms, and
+a few were stimulated to follow its precepts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Looking down this remarkable list of titles and first lines&mdash;which may
+be only a small portion of Harry Clifton's output&mdash;I am struck by his
+cleanliness and sanity. His record was one of which he might well be
+proud, and I think that old Fletcher of Saltoun, who had views on the
+makers of a nation's ballads, would probably have clapped him on the
+back.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing. If many of the tunes to these songs are as good as that
+to "Polly Perkins," Harry Clifton's golden treasury should be worth
+mining. The songs of yesterday, when revived, strike one as being very
+antiquated, and the songs of the day before yesterday also rarely bear
+the test; but what of the songs of the sixties? Might their melodies not
+strike freshly and alluringly on the ear to-day? Another, and to-day a
+better known, Harry&mdash;Harry Lauder&mdash;whose tunes are always good, has
+confided to an interviewer that he finds them for the most part in old
+traditional collections, and gives them new life. He is wise. John
+Stuart Mill's fear that the combinations of the notes of the piano might
+be used up was probably fantastic, but the arrival of the luckless day
+would at any rate be delayed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> if we revived tunes that were old enough
+for that process; and why should not the works of Harry Clifton be
+examined for the purpose? But perhaps they have been....</p>
+
+<p>And then we come back to the marvel, to me, of the man's variousness. I
+can plead guilty to having written the words of a dozen songs or so in
+as many years, but to put two notes of music together is beyond me, and
+to sing anything in tune would be an impossibility, even if I had the
+assurance to stand up in public for that purpose. Yet Harry Clifton,
+who, in the picture on the cover of the song which the gentleman in
+Ireland sent me, does not look at all like some brazen lion comiques,
+not only could sing acceptably but write good words and good music. I
+hope he grew prosperous, although there is some evidence that his native
+geniality was also a stumbling-block. Your jolly good fellows so often
+are the victims of their jolly goodness. Nor had the palmy days of comic
+singing then begun. There were then no &pound;300 a week bribes to lure a
+comic singer into <i>revue</i>; but the performers, I guess, were none the
+worse for receiving a wage more in accordance with true proportion. I
+say true<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> proportion, because I shall never feel it right that
+music-hall comedians should receive a bigger salary than a Prime
+Minister; at least, not until they sing better songs and take a finer
+view of life in their "patter" than most of them now do.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Arts of Invasion</h2>
+
+
+<p>All people living in the country are liable to be asked if they do not
+know of "some nice little place that would just suit us." "For
+week-ends, chiefly"&mdash;the inquirer usually adds. "A kind of
+<i>pied-&agrave;-terre</i>, you know"&mdash;the inquirer always adds.</p>
+
+<p>Cautious, self-protective people answer no. Foolish, gregarious people
+actually try to help.</p>
+
+<p>Addressing that large and growing class, the <i>pied-&agrave;-terre</i> hunters, not
+as a potential neighbour, but as a mere counsellor and very platonic
+friend, I would say that I have recently discovered two ways of
+acquiring country places, both of which, although no doubt neither is
+infallible, have from time to time succeeded.</p>
+
+<p>It was at the end of a fruitless day on the same quest that I hit upon
+the first. After tramping many miles in vain, I was fortunate in getting
+a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> fly at the village inn to drive me to the nearest station. I don't
+say I had seen nothing I liked, but nothing that was empty. As a matter
+of fact, I had seen one very charming place, but every window had a
+curtain in it and the chimneys were sending up their confounded smoke.
+In other words, it was, to use one of the most offensive words in the
+language, occupied. Hence I was in a bad temper. None the less, when a
+little man in black suddenly appeared before me and begged to be allowed
+to share my cab (and its fare), I agreed. He began to talk at once, and
+having disposed of the weather and other topics on which one can be
+strictly and politely neutral, he said that his business took him a good
+deal into unfamiliar places.</p>
+
+<p>Being aware that he wished it, I asked him what his business was.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm an unsettler," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"An unsettler?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. It's not a profession that we talk much about, because the very
+essence of it is secrecy, but it's genuine enough, and there are not a
+few of us. Of course, we do other things as well, such as insurance
+agency, but unsettling pays best."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Tell me about it," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he explained, "it's like this. Say you are thinking of moving
+and you want another house. You can't find an empty one that you like,
+of course. No one can. But you differ from other persons in being
+unwilling to make a compromise. You will either wait till you find one
+that you do like, or you will go without. Meanwhile you see plenty of
+occupied houses that you like, just as every one else does. But you
+differ from other persons in being unwilling to believe that you can't
+have what you want. Do you follow me?"</p>
+
+<p>Naturally I followed him minutely, because he was describing my own
+case.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then," he continued. "This makes the unsettler's
+opportunity. You return to the agent and tell him that the only house
+you liked is (say) a white one at East Windles.</p>
+
+<p>"'It was not one on your list,' you say; 'in fact, it was occupied. It
+is the house on the left, in its own grounds, just as you enter the
+village. There is a good lawn, and a wonderful clipped yew hedge.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Oh yes,' says the agent, 'I know it: it used to be the Rectory.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Who lives there?' you ask.</p>
+
+<p>"'An old lady named Burgess,' says the agent&mdash;'Miss Burgess.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Would she leave?' you ask.</p>
+
+<p>"'I should very much doubt it,' says the agent, 'but I could, of course,
+sound her.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I'll give you twenty-five pounds,' you say, 'if you can induce her to
+quit.' And off you go.</p>
+
+<p>"It is then that the unsettler comes in. The agent sends for me and
+tells me the story; and I get to work. The old lady has got to be
+dislodged. Now what is it that old ladies most dislike? I ask myself. It
+depends, of course; but on general principles a scare about the water is
+safe, and a rumour of ghosts is safe. The water-scare upsets the
+mistress, the ghost-scare upsets the maids; and when one can't get
+maids, the country becomes a bore. As it is, she had the greatest
+difficulty in keeping them, because there's no cinema near.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then. Having decided on my line of action, I begin to spread
+reports&mdash;very cautiously, of course, but with careful calculation,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> and
+naturally never appearing myself; and gradually, bit by bit, Miss
+Burgess takes a dislike to the place. Not always, of course. Some
+tenants are most unreasonable. But sooner or later most of them fall to
+the bait, and you get the house. That's my profession."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I think it's a blackguard one."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, sir!" he replied. "Live and let live."</p>
+
+<p>"It's funny, all the same," I added, "that I should have run across you,
+because I've been looking for a house for some time, and the only one I
+liked was occupied."</p>
+
+<p>He pulled out a pocket-book. "Yes?" he said, moistening his pencil.</p>
+
+<p>But that is enough of him.</p>
+
+<p>So much for my first way, which, as I happen to know, has succeeded, at
+any rate once. Now for the other, which is less material. In fact, some
+people might call it supernatural.</p>
+
+<p>I was telling a lady about my friend the unsettler and his methods; but
+she did not seem to be in the least impressed.</p>
+
+<p>"All very well," she said; "but there's a more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> efficient and more
+respectable way than that. And," she added, with a significant glance at
+her husband and not without triumph, "I happen to know."</p>
+
+<p>She sat at the dinner-table in the old farm-house&mdash;"modernized," as the
+agents have it, "yet redolent of old-world charm." By modernized they
+mean that the rightful occupiers&mdash;the simple agriculturists&mdash;had gone
+for ever, and well-to-do artistic Londoners had made certain changes to
+fit it for a week-end retreat. In other words, it had become a
+<i>pied-&agrave;-terre</i>. Where the country folk for whom all these and smaller
+cottages were built now live, who shall say? Probably in mean streets;
+anyway, not here. The exterior remains often the same, but inside,
+instead of the plain furniture of the peasantry, one finds wicker
+arm-chairs and sofa-chairs, all the right books and weekly papers, and
+cigarettes.</p>
+
+<p>This particular farm-house was charming. An ingle-nook, Heal furniture,
+old-pattern cretonnes and chintzes, an etching or two, a Japanese print
+or two, a reproduction of a John, the poems of Mr. Masefield and Rupert
+Brooke, a French<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> novel, the <i>New Statesman</i>, and where once had been a
+gun-rack a Della Robbia Madonna.</p>
+
+<p>"It's delightful," I said; adding, as one always does: "How <i>did</i> you
+get to hear of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hearing of it wasn't difficult," she said, "because we'd known about it
+for years. The trouble was to get it."</p>
+
+<p>"It wasn't empty, then?" I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"No. There was a Mr. Broom here. We asked him if he wanted to go, and he
+said No. We made him an offer, and he refused. He was most
+unreasonable." (It was the same word that the unsettler had used.)</p>
+
+<p>I agreed: "Most."</p>
+
+<p>"So there was nothing for it but to will his departure."</p>
+
+<p>"Will?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. Concentrate our thoughts on his giving notice, and invite our
+friends to do the same. I wrote scores of letters all round, impressing
+this necessity, this absolute, sacred duty, on them. I asked them to
+make a special effort on the night of March 18th, at eleven o'clock,
+when we should all be free. It sounds rather dreadful, but I always hold
+that the people who want a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> house most are best fitted to have it. One
+can't be too nice in such matters."</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you'll hardly believe it&mdash;and I shan't be a bit vexed if you
+don't&mdash;but on the morning of the 20th of March I had a letter from Mr.
+Broom saying that he had decided to leave, and we could have the first
+call on his house. It was too wonderful. I don't mind confessing that I
+felt a little ashamed. I felt it had been too easy."</p>
+
+<p>"It is certainly a dangerous power," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," she continued, "I hurried round to see him before he could
+change his mind. 'Do you really want to leave?' I asked him. 'Yes,' he
+said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Well,' he said, 'I can't tell you why. I don't
+know. All I know is that all of a sudden I have got tired and feel
+vaguely that I want a change. I am quite sure I am making a mistake and
+I'll never find so good a place; but there it is: I'm going.' I assure
+you I felt for a moment inclined to back out altogether and advise him
+to stay on. I was even half disposed to tell him the truth; but I pulled
+myself together. And&mdash;well, here we are!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"It's amazing," I said. "You must either have very strong-minded
+friends, or the stars have played very oddly into your hands, or both."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she said; "but there's a little difficulty. One has to be so
+careful in this life."</p>
+
+<p>"One has," I fervently agreed. "But what is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Some of my friends," she explained, "didn't quite play the game.
+Instead of willing, as I explicitly indicated, that our Mr. Broom should
+leave the Manor Farm, they willed merely that Mr. Broom should leave his
+house, and the result is that all kinds of Mr. Brooms all over the
+country have been giving notice. I heard of another only this morning.
+In fact, our Mr. Broom's brother was one of them. It's a very perilous
+as well as a useful gift, you see. But we've got the farm, and that's
+the main thing."</p>
+
+<p>She smiled the smile of a conqueror.</p>
+
+<p>"But," remarked another of the guests, who had told us that she was
+looking for a <i>pied-&agrave;-terre</i>, "there's a catch somewhere, isn't there?
+Don't you see any weak point?"</p>
+
+<p>Our hostess smiled less confidently. "How?" she asked uneasily.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well," the guest continued, "suppose.... It couldn't, I mean, be in
+better hands. For the moment. But suppose some one else wanted it? Take
+care. Willing is a game that two can play at."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean&mdash;&mdash;?" our hostess faltered.</p>
+
+<p>"I do, most certainly," the guest replied. "Directly I go away from here
+I shall make a list of my most really obstinate, pushful friends to help
+me."</p>
+
+<p>"But that would be most unfair," said our hostess.</p>
+
+<p>"No one is fair when hunting the <i>pied-&agrave;-terre</i>," I reminded her.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Marble Arch and Peter Magnus</h2>
+
+
+<p>Finding myself (not often in London on the day that comes so mercifully
+between the Saturday and Monday) beside the enisled Marble Arch, I spent
+half an hour in listening to the astonishing oratory that was going on
+there. Although I had not done this for many, many years, there was so
+little change in the proceedings that I gained a new impression of
+perpetual motion. The same&mdash;or to all intents and purposes the
+same&mdash;leather lungs were still at it, either arraigning the Deity or
+commending His blessed benefactions. As invariably of old, a Hindu was
+present; but whether he was the Hindu of the Middle Ages or a new Hindu,
+I cannot say. One proselytizing Hindu is strangely like another. His
+matter was familiar also. The only novelty that I noticed was a little
+band of American evangelists (America being so little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> in need of
+spiritual assistance that these have settled in London) in the attire
+more or less of the constabulary of New York, the spokesman among whom,
+at the moment I joined his audience, was getting into rather deep water
+in an effort to fit the kind of halo acceptable to modern evangelicals
+on the head of Martin Luther.</p>
+
+<p>As I passed from group to group, with each step a certain inevitable
+question grew more insistent upon a reply; and so, coming to one of
+London's founts of wisdom and knowledge, I put it to him. "I suppose," I
+said, indicating the various speakers with a semicircular gesture, "they
+don't do all this for nothing?" The policeman closed one eye. "Not
+they," he answered; "they've all got sympathizers somewhere."</p>
+
+<p>Well, live and let live is a good maxim, thought I, and there surely
+never was such a wonderful world as this, and so I came away; and it was
+then that something occurred which (for everything so far has been sheer
+prologue) led to these remarks. I was passing the crowd about one of the
+gentlemen&mdash;the more brazenly confident<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> one&mdash;who deny the existence of a
+beneficent Creator, when the words, "Looking like a dying duck in a
+thunderstorm," clanged out, followed by a roar of delighted laughter;
+and in a flash I remembered precisely where I was when, forty and more
+years ago, I first heard from a nursemaid that ancient simile and was so
+struck by its humour that I added it to my childish repertory. And from
+this recollection I passed on to ponder upon the melancholy truth that
+originality will ever be an unpopular quality. For here were two or
+three hundred people absolutely and hilariously satisfied with such a
+battered and moth-eaten phrase, even to-day, and perfectly content that
+the orator should have so little respect either for himself or for them
+that he saw no disgrace in thus evading his duty and inventing something
+new.</p>
+
+<p>But was that his duty? That was my next thought; and a speech by that
+eternally veracious type whom Mr. Pickwick met at Ipswich, and who, for
+all his brief passage across the stage of literature, is more real than
+many a prominent hero of many chapters, came to mind to answer it. I
+refer to Mr. Peter Magnus, who, when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> Mr. Pickwick described Sam Weller
+as not only his servant and almost friend, but an "original," replied in
+these deathless words: "I am not fond of anything original; I don't like
+it; don't see any necessity for it." And that's just it. The tribe of
+Magnus is very large; it doesn't like originality, and doesn't see any
+necessity for it&mdash;which, translated into the modern idiom, would run
+"has no use for it." Hence the freethinker was right, and the longer he
+continues to repose his faith in ancient comic <i>clich&eacute;s</i> the greater
+will be his success.</p>
+
+<p>And then I thought for the millionth time what an awful mistake it is to
+be fastidious. Truly wise people&mdash;and by wisdom I mean an aggregation of
+those qualities and acceptances and compromises that make for a fairly
+unruffled progress through this difficult life&mdash;truly wise people are
+not fastidious. They are easily pleased, they are not critical, and&mdash;and
+this is very important&mdash;they allow of no exceptions among human beings.
+Originals bore them as much as they did Mr. Magnus. One of the astutest
+men that I know has achieved a large measure of his prosperity and
+general contentment<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> by behaving always as though all men were alike.
+Because, although of course they are not alike, the differences are too
+trifling to matter. He flatters each with the same assiduity and
+grossness, with the result that they all become his useful allies. Those
+that do not swallow the mixture, and resent it, he merely accuses of
+insincerity or false modesty; yet they are his allies too, because,
+although they cannot accept his methods, being a little uncertain as to
+whether his intentions may not have been genuinely kind, or his judgment
+honestly at fault, they give him the benefit of the doubt.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Oldest Joke</h2>
+
+
+<p>Many investigators have speculated as to the character of the first
+joke; and as speculation must our efforts remain. But I personally have
+no doubt whatever as to the subject-matter of that distant pleasantry:
+it was the face of the other person involved. I don't say that Adam was
+caustic about Eve's face or Eve about Adam's: that is improbable. Nor
+does matrimonial invective even now ordinarily take this form. But after
+a while, after cousins had come into the world, the facial jest began;
+and by the time of Noah and his sons the riot was in full swing. In
+every rough and tumble among the children of Ham, Shem, and Japhet, I
+feel certain that crude and candid personalities fell to the lot, at any
+rate, of the little Shems.</p>
+
+<p>So was it then; so is it still to-day. No jests are so rich as those
+that bear upon the unloveliness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> of features not our own. The tiniest
+street urchins in dispute always&mdash;sooner or later&mdash;devote their retorts
+to the distressing physiognomy of the foe. Not only are they conforming
+to the ancient convention, but they show sagacity too, for to sum up an
+opponent as "Face," "Facey," or "Funny Face," is to spike his gun. There
+is no reply but the cowardly <i>tu quoque</i>. He cannot say, "My face is not
+comic, it is handsome"; because that does not touch the root of the
+matter. The root of the matter is your opinion of his face as
+deplorable.</p>
+
+<p>Not only is the recognition of what is odd in an opponent's countenance
+of this priceless value in ordinary quarrels among the young and the
+ill-mannered (just as abuse of the opposing counsel is the best way of
+covering the poverty of one's own case at law), but the music-hall
+humorist has no easier or surer road to the risibilities of most of his
+audience. Jokes about faces never fail and are never threadbare.
+Sometimes I find myself listening to one who has been called&mdash;possibly
+the label was self-imposed&mdash;the Prime Minister of Mirth, and he
+invariably enlarges upon the quaintness of somebody's features,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> often,
+for he is the soul of impartiality, his own; and the first time, now
+thirty years ago, that I ever entered a music-hall (the tiny stuffy old
+Oxford at Brighton, where the chairman with the dyed hair&mdash;it was more
+purple than black&mdash;used to sit amid a little company of bloods whose
+proud privilege it was to pay for his refreshment), another George,
+whose surname was Beauchamp, was singing about a siren into whose
+clutches he had or had not fallen, who had</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">an indiarubber lip<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like the rudder of a ship.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>&mdash;So you see there is complete continuity.</p>
+
+<p>But the best example of this branch of humour is beyond all question
+that of the Two Macs, whose influence, long though it is since they
+eclipsed the gaiety of the nation by vanishing, is still potent. Though
+gone they still jest; or, at any rate, their jests did not all vanish
+with them. The incorrigible veneration for what is antique displayed by
+low comedians takes care of that. "I saw your wife at the masked ball
+last night," the first Mac would say, in his rich brogue. "My wife was
+at the ball last night," the other would reply in a brogue of deeper<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>
+richness, "but it wasn't a masked ball." The first Mac would then
+express an overwhelming surprise, as he countered with the devastating
+question, "Was <i>that</i> her face?"</p>
+
+<p>"You're not two-faced, anyway. I'll say that for you," was the
+apparently magnanimous concession made by one comedian to another in a
+recent farcical play. The other was beginning to express his
+gratification when the speaker continued: "If you were, you wouldn't
+have come out with that one." Again, you observe, there is no answer to
+this kind of attack. Hence, I suppose, its popularity. And yet perhaps
+to take refuge in a smug sententiousness, and remark crisply, "Handsome
+is as handsome does," should now and then be useful. But it requires
+some self-esteem.</p>
+
+<p>There is no absolute need, however, for the face joke to be applied to
+others to be successful. Since, in spite of the complexion creams,
+"plumpers," and nose-machines advertised in the papers, faces will
+continue to be here and there somewhat Gothic, the wise thing for their
+owners is to accept them and think of other things, or console
+themselves before the unflattering<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> mirror with the memory of those
+mortals who have been both quaint-looking and gifted. Wiser still
+perhaps to make a little capital out of the affliction. Public men who
+are able to make a jest of the homeliness of their features never lose
+by it. President Wilson's public recital of the famous lines on his
+countenance (which I personally find by no means unprepossessing) did
+much to increase his popularity.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As a beauty I am not a star,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There are others more handsome by far.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But my face, I don't mind it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For I keep behind it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's the people in front get the jar.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And an English bishop, or possibly dean, came, at last, very near earth
+when in a secular address he repeated his retort to the lady who had
+commented upon his extraordinary plainness: "Ah, but you should see my
+brother." There is also the excellent story of the ugly man before the
+camera, who was promised by the photographer that he should have justice
+done to him. "Justice!" he exclaimed. "I don't want justice; I want
+mercy."</p>
+
+<p>The great face joke, as I say, obviously came<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> first. Because there were
+in the early days none of the materials for the other staple quips&mdash;such
+as alcohol, and sausages, and wives' mothers. Faces, however, were
+always there. And not even yet have the later substitutes ousted it.
+Just as Shakespeare's orator, "when he is out," spits, so does the funny
+man, in similar difficulties, if he is wise, say, "Do you call that a
+face?" and thus collect his thoughts for fresh sallies. If all "dials"
+were identical, Mr. George Graves, for example, would be a stage
+bankrupt; for, resourceful as he is in the humour of quizzical
+disapproval, the vagaries of facial oddity are his foundation stone.</p>
+
+<p>Remarkable as are the heights of grotesque simile to which all the
+Georges have risen in this direction, it is, oddly enough, to the other
+and gentler sex that the classic examples (in my experience) belong. At
+a dinner-party given by a certain hospitable lady who remained something
+of an <i>enfante terrible</i> to the end of her long life, she drew the
+attention of one of her guests, by no means too cautiously, to the
+features of another guest, a bishop of great renown. "Isn't his face,"
+she asked, in a deathless sentence,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> "like the inside of an elephant's
+foot?" I have not personally the honour of this divine's acquaintance,
+but all my friends who have met or seen him assure me that the
+similitude is exact. Another lady, happily still living, said of the
+face of an acquaintance, that it was "not so much a face, as a part of
+her person which she happened to leave uncovered, by which her friends
+were able to recognize her." A third, famous for her swift analyses,
+said that a certain would-be beauty might have a title to good looks but
+for "a rush of teeth to the head." I do not quote these admirable
+remarks merely as a proof of woman's natural kindliness, but to show how
+even among the elect&mdash;for all three speakers are of more than common
+culture&mdash;the face joke holds sway.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Puttenhams</h2>
+
+<h3>I</h3>
+
+<h4>From <i>The Mustershire Herald and Oldcaster Advertiser</i></h4>
+
+
+<p>"The new volume of <i>The Mustershire Arch&aelig;ological Society's Records</i> is,
+as usual, full of varied fare.... But for good Oldcastrians the most
+interesting article is a minute account of the Puttenham family, so well
+known in the town for many generations, from its earliest traceable date
+in the seventeenth century. It is remarkable for how long the Puttenhams
+were content to be merely small traders and so forth, until quite
+recently the latent genius of the blood declared itself simultaneously
+in the constructive ability of our own millionaire ex-townsman, Sir
+Jonathan Puttenham (who married a daughter of Lord Hammerton), and in
+the world-famous skill of the great chemist, Sir<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> Victor Puttenham, the
+discoverer of the Y-rays, who still has his country home on our borders.
+The simile of the oak and the acorn at once springs to mind."</p>
+
+
+<h3>II</h3>
+
+<h4>Miss Enid Daubeney, who is staying at Sir Jonathan Puttenham's, to her
+Sister</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Fluffety</span>,&mdash;There are wigs on the green here, I can tell
+you. Aunt Virginia is furious about a genealogy of the Puttenham family
+which has appeared in the county's arch&aelig;ological records. It goes back
+ever so far, and derives our revered if somewhat stodgy and
+not-too-generous uncle-by-marriage from one of the poorest bunches of
+ancestors a knight of industry ever had. Aunt Virginia won't see that,
+from such loins, the farther the spring the greater the honour, and the
+poor man has had no peace and the article is to be suppressed. But since
+these things are published only for subscribers and the volume is now
+out, of course nothing can be done. Please telegraph that you can't
+spare me any longer, for the meals here<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> are getting impossible. Not
+even the peaches compensate.&mdash;Your devoted<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Enid</span></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>III</h3>
+
+<h4>Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Rev. Stacey Morris, Editor of <i>The
+Mustershire Arch&aelig;ological Society's Records</i></h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I wish to utter a protest against what I consider a
+serious breach of etiquette. In the new volume of your <i>Records</i>, you
+print an article dealing with the history from remote times of the
+family of which I am a member, and possibly the best-known member at the
+present day. The fact that that family is of humble origin is nothing to
+me. What I object to is the circumstance that you should publish this
+material, most of which is of very little interest to the outside world,
+without first ascertaining my views on the subject. I may now tell you
+that I object so strongly to the publication that I count on you to
+secure its withdrawal.&mdash;I am,<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours faithfully,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Jonathan Puttenham</span></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>IV</h3>
+
+<h4>Horace Vicary, M.D., of Southbridge, to his old friend the Rev. Stacey
+Morris</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Morris</span>,&mdash;It's a good volume, take it all round. But what
+has given me, in my unregeneracy, the greatest pleasure is the article
+on the Puttenhams. For years the Puttenhams here have been putting on
+airs and holding their noses higher than the highest, and it is not only
+(as they say doubly of nibs) grateful and comforting, but a boon and a
+blessing, to find that one of their not too remote ancestors kept a
+public-house, and another was a tinsmith. And I fancy I am not alone in
+my satisfaction.<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours, H. V.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>V</h3>
+
+<h4>Sir Victor Puttenham, F.R.S., to the Editor of <i>The Mustershire
+Arch&aelig;ological Society's Records</i></h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;As probably the most widely-known member of the
+Puttenham family at the present moment, may I thank you for the generous
+space which you have accorded to our history.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> To what extent it will be
+readable by strangers I cannot say, but to me it is intensely
+interesting, and if you can arrange for a few dozen reprints in paper
+wrappers I shall be glad to have them. I had, of course, some knowledge
+of my ancestors, but I had no idea that we were quite such an
+undistinguished rabble of groundlings for so long. That drunken
+whipper-in to Lord Dashingham in the seventeen-seventies particularly
+delights me.&mdash;I am,<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours faithfully,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Victor Puttenham</span></span>
+</p>
+
+
+<h3>VI</h3>
+
+<h4>From Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Editor of <i>The Mustershire Herald and
+Oldcaster Advertiser</i></h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I shall be obliged if you will make no more
+references in <i>The Herald</i> to the new <i>Mustershire Arch&aelig;ological
+Records'</i> article on the Puttenhams. It is not that it lays emphasis on
+the humble origin of that family. That is nothing to me. But I am at the
+moment engaged in a correspondence with the Editor on the propriety of
+publishing private or semi-private<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> records of this character without
+first asking permission, and as he will possibly see the advisability of
+withdrawing the article in question there should be as little reference
+to it in the Press as possible.&mdash;I am,<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours faithfully,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Jonathan Puttenham</span></span>
+</p>
+
+
+<h3>VII</h3>
+
+<h4>The Rev. Stacey Morris to Sir Jonathan Puttenham</h4>
+
+<p>The Editor of <i>The Mustershire Arch&aelig;ological Society's Records</i> begs to
+acknowledge Sir Jonathan Puttenham's letter of the 15th inst. He regrets
+that the publication of the Puttenham genealogy should have so offended
+Sir Jonathan, but would point out, firstly, that it has for years been a
+custom of these Records to include such articles; secondly, that the
+volume has now been delivered to all the Society's members; thirdly,
+that there are members of the Puttenham family who do not at all share
+Sir Jonathan's views; and, fourthly, that if such views obtained
+generally the valuable and interesting pursuit of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> genealogy, of which
+our President, Lord Hammerton, to name no others, is so ardent a patron,
+would cease to be practised.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VIII</h3>
+
+<h4>Miss Lydia Puttenham, of "Weald View," Rusper Common, Tunbridge Wells,
+to Lady Puttenham</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Cousin Mildred</span>,&mdash;I wonder if Sir Victor has seen the
+article on our family in <i>The Arch&aelig;ological Records</i>. I am so vexed
+about it, not only for myself and all of us, but particularly for him
+and you. It is not right that a busy man working for humanity, as he is
+doing, should be worried like that. Indeed I feel so strongly about it
+that I have sent in my resignation as a member of the Society. Why such
+things should be printed at all I cannot see. It is most unfair and
+unnecessary to go into such details, nor can there be the slightest
+reason for doing so, for the result is the dullest reading. Perhaps Sir
+Victor could get it stopped. Again expressing my sympathy, I am,<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours affectionately,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Lydia Puttenham</span></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>IX</h3>
+
+<h4>The Rev. Stacey Morris to Ernest Burroughs, the compiler of the
+Puttenham genealogy</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Burroughs</span>,&mdash;We are threatened with all kinds of
+penalties by Sir Jonathan Puttenham, the great contractor, over your
+seamy revelations. It is odd how differently these things are taken, for
+the other great Puttenham, the chemist, Sir Victor, is delighted and is
+distributing copies broadcast. Equal forms of snobbishness, a Thackeray
+would perhaps say. But my purpose in writing is to say that I hope you
+will continue the series undismayed.<br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours sincerely,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Stacey Morris</span></span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Poetry made Easy</h2>
+
+<p>In the admirable and stimulating lecture given to the English
+Association by Professor Spurgeon on "Poetry in the Light of War," I
+came again upon that poem of Rupert Brooke's in which he enumerates
+certain material things that have given him most pleasure in life. "I
+have been so great a lover," he writes, and then he makes a list of his
+loves, thus following, perhaps all unconsciously, Lamb's <i>John Woodvil</i>
+in that rhymed passage which, under the title "The Universal Lover," has
+been detached from the play. But Lamb, pretending to be Elizabethan,
+dealt with the larger splendours, whereas Rupert Brooke's modernity took
+count of the smaller. John Woodvil's list of his loves begins with the
+sunrise and the sunset; Rupert Brooke sets down such mundane and
+domestic trifles as white plates and cups, the hard crust of bread, and
+the roughness of blankets.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This, to strangers to the poem, may not sound very poetical, but they
+must read it before they judge. To me it is at once one of the most
+satisfying and most beautiful leaves in the Georgian anthology. Here is
+a passage:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Voices in laughter too; and body's pain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And new-peeled sticks, and shining pools on grass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">&mdash;All these have been my loves.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>My reason in quoting these fine and tender lines is to point out how
+simple a thing poetry can be; how easily we, at any rate for a few
+moments&mdash;even the most material, the most world-brutalized of us,&mdash;can
+become poets too. For I hold that any man searching his memory for the
+things that from earliest days have given him most delight, and
+sincerely recording them, not necessarily with verbal garniture at all,
+is while he does so a poet. A good deal of Whitman is little else but
+such catalogues; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> Whitman was a great poet. The effort (even without
+the reward of this not-always-desired label) is worth making, because
+(and this is where the poetry comes in) it forces one to visit the past
+and dwell again in the ways of pleasantness before the world was too
+much with us and life's hand had begun to press heavily: most of such
+loves as Rupert Brooke recalls having their roots in our childhood.
+Hence such poetry as we shall make cannot be wholly reading without
+tears.</p>
+
+<p>I find that on my list of loves scents would take a very important
+place&mdash;the scent of gorse warmed by the sun coming almost first, gorse
+blossoms rubbed in the hand and then crushed against the face, geranium
+leaves, the leaves of the lemon verbena, the scent of pine trees, the
+scent of unlit cigars, the scent of cigarette smoke blown my way from a
+distance, the scent of coffee as it arrives from the grocer's (see what
+a poet I am!), the scent of the underside of those little cushions of
+moss which come away so easily in the woods, the scent of lilies of the
+valley, the scent of oatcake for cattle, the scent of lilac, and, for
+reasons, above all perhaps the scent of a rubbish fire in the garden.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Rupert Brooke mentions the feel of things. Among the loves of the sense
+of touch I should include smooth dried beans, purple and spotted, and
+horse-chestnuts, warm and polished by being kept in the pocket, and
+ptarmigan's feet, and tortoiseshell spoons for tea-caddies. And among
+sounds, first and foremost is the sound of a carriage and pair, but very
+high in position is that rare ecstasy, the distant drum and panpipes of
+the Punch and Judy. Do they play the panpipes still, I wonder. And how
+should I behave if I heard them round the corner? Should I run? I hope
+so. Scent, sound, touch, and sight. Sight? Here the range is too vast,
+and yet here, perhaps, the act of memory leads to the best poetry of
+all. For to enumerate one's favourite sights&mdash;always, as Rupert Brooke
+may be said to have done, although not perhaps consciously, in the mood
+of one who is soon to lose the visible world for ever&mdash;is to become, no
+matter how humble the list, a psalmist.</p>
+
+<p>The mere recollecting and recording even such haphazard memories as
+these has had the effect of reconstructing also many too-long-forgotten
+scenes of pure happiness, and has urged me about this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> dear England of
+ours too, for I learned to love gorse on Harpenden Common, and pinewoods
+at Ampthill, and moss in Kent, and the scent of coffee in the kitchen of
+a home that can never be rebuilt, and&mdash;but poetry can be pain too.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Pioneer</h2>
+
+
+<p>To be the first is always an achievement, even though the steps falter.
+To be the first is also a distinction that cannot be taken away, because
+whoever comes after must be a follower; and to follow is tame. It
+occasionally happens that the first, no matter how many imitate him, is
+also the best; but this cannot be said of Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, retired
+medical officer on pension, a tiny pamphlet by whom has just fluttered
+my way.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dutt's pioneer work was done in the realms of poesy, somewhen in the
+eighteen-sixties, and the fruits are gathered together in this
+<i>brochure</i> under the title <i>Songs</i>, published at Chittagong, in India,
+which, in some bewildering way, reached a second edition in 1886. In the
+opening "distich" Mr. Dutt makes the claim to be the first Asiatic poet
+to write in English, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> if that is true this insignificant work
+becomes the seed of which the full flower is the gifted Rabindra, son of
+Tagore, whose mellifluous but mystic utterances lie, I am told, on every
+boudoir table. Me they, for the most part, stump.</p>
+
+<p>Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, although a pioneer, made no claim himself to have
+originated the startling idea of writing songs "in English word" and
+English rhyme; he merely accepted the suggestion and acted upon it. The
+suggestion came, under divine guidance, from Mr. J. D. Ward, the
+Chittagong magistrate. Here are the lines, setting forth that
+epoch-making moment, in an address to the Deity:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I thank Thee for an idea that Thou has created in my heart<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On which through the faculty I met now a very fresh art.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">...<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Being myself desired by the Chittagong magistrate, Mr. J. D. Ward,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Got encouraged and commence writing a few songs in English word.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>To Mr. Ward, then, much honour; and, indeed, one of Ramkinoo Dutt's
+pleasantest qualities is his desire always to give honour where it is
+due.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> Mr. Ward was perhaps his especial darling among the white sahibs
+of Chittagong, but all are praised. Thus, in another invocation to
+Heaven, we read:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">King, conqueror of nations, encourage two sorts of mortals,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One skilled in war, the other in counsel.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">If so, why not Captain Macdonald should be the former?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If so, why not Mr. J. D. Ward would be the latter?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And here is part of a "distich on arrival of 38th N.I.":</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We paid a visit upon Captain John A. Vanrenen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He is a high-spirited hero and jolly gentleman,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So is the Lieutenant George Fergus Graham,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So is the Lieutenant Henry Tottenham.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The last poem of all is wholly devoted to eulogies of Chittagong
+worthies. For example, Mr. H. Greavesour, the judge,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Is a pious and righteous man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Administering justice with mental pain.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Of Mr. D. R. Douglas:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">There is Mr. D. R. Douglas, Joint Magistrate,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His judgment is pure, yes, on the highest rate.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>And Mr. A. Marsh, Magistrate-Collector:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He is devout, holy man, naturally shy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His mind seems runs through righteous way.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And the Executive Engineer, Mr. C. A. Mills:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The energitic gentleman is getting on well.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>All these were living and probably in daily reception of the obeisances
+of the retired medical officer who esteemed them so highly; but Dr.
+Beatson was dead:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We lost, lately lost, Dr. W. B. Beatson.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We again shall never gain him in person....<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He is a Dr. Philanthropist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He is a Dr. Physiognomist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He is a Dr. Anatomist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He is His Lordship's personal Surgeon.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>It will be seen already that Mr. Dutt had not yet mastered his
+instrument, but he did not lack thoughts: merely the power to express
+them. Throughout these thirty odd pages one sees him floundering in the
+morass of a new language, always with something that he wants to say but
+can only suggest. Here, for example, is a personal statement, line by
+line more or less inarticulate, but as a whole clear enough. With all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+the mental incompleteness, the verbal looseness, the fumblings and
+gropings of the traditional Baboo, it is a genuine piece of irony.
+Seldom can a convert to Christianity have been more frank.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I would not accept a second creation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thank the Omnipotent for his kind protection.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">From my minority,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">I profess the mendacity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Passed days in poverty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">From my minority.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Perpetually my duty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Sobbing under perplexity.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Nothing least prosperity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">But sad and emotion.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i8">I gave up the heathenism,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">And its favouritism,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Together with the Hinduism.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i8">I gave up the heathenism.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Neither the fanaticism,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Nor the paganism,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Or my idiotism,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Could enrich me with provision.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Such was the poetical pioneer, Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, who (supposing
+always that we may accept his statement as true) was the first Hindu to
+write English verse.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Full Circle</h2>
+
+
+<p>I have lately been the witness of two phenomena.</p>
+
+<p>Not long ago two officers and gentlemen (whom I had never seen before
+and one of whom, alas! I shall never see again) descended from a blue
+sky on to a neighbouring stretch of sward; had tea with me in my garden;
+and, ascending into the blue again, were lost to view. Since it is
+seldom that the heavens drop such visitants upon us in the obscure
+region in which I live, it follows that while the aviators were absent
+from their machine the news had so spread that by the time they rejoined
+it and prepared to depart, a crowd had assembled not unworthy of being
+compared, in point of numbers, with that which two workmen in London can
+bring together whenever they begin to make a hole in the wood-block
+paving. I had not thought so many people lived<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> in the neighbourhood.
+Every family, at any rate was represented, while the rector looked on
+with the tolerant smile that the clergy keep for the wonders of science,
+and just at the last moment up panted our policeman on his bicycle, and
+pulling out his notebook and pencil for the aviators' names (Heaven
+knows why), set upon the proceedings the seal of authority.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever may be said against aeroplanes in full flight, and there is
+quite a long indictment&mdash;that they are, for instance, not at all like
+birds, and much more like dragon-flies, and are too noisy, and too
+rigid, and so forth,&mdash;no one in his senses can deny that as they rise
+from the ground&mdash;especially if you are behind them and they are receding
+swiftly in a straight line from you, and even more so if you are
+personally acquainted with the occupants&mdash;they have beautiful and
+exciting qualities. Not soon shall I forget the sight as my guests in
+their biplane glided exquisitely from the turf into the air and, after
+one circular sweep around our bewildered heads, swam away in the
+direction of the Hog's Back.</p>
+
+<p>That was phenomenon No. 1. Phenomenon No. 2&mdash;also connected with the
+mechanics of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> quicker movement than Shanks's mare ever compassed&mdash;was
+one of those old high bicycles, a fifty-two inch, I should guess, dating
+from the late eighteen-seventies, which, although the year was 1916, was
+being ridden along the Brighton front.</p>
+
+<p>I am, unhappily, old enough to have been the owner of a bone-shaker,
+upon which I can assure you I had far more amusing times than on any of
+its luxurious progeny, even though they were fitted with every device
+that all the engineers' brains in the world, together with the white hat
+and beard of Mr. Dunlop, have succeeded in inventing. Being able to
+remember the advent of the high bicycle and the rush to the windows and
+gates whenever word went forth that one was approaching (much as a few
+of the simpler among us still run when the buzz of the aeroplane is
+heard), I was, as I watched the interest aroused among Brighton's
+butterflies by this antique relic, in a position to reflect, not I trust
+sardonically, but at any rate without any feelings of triumph, upon the
+symmetrical completion of&mdash;I must not say one cycle of mechanical
+enterprise, but one era. For this high bicycle (which was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> perhaps built
+between thirty and forty years ago) wobbling along the King's Road drew
+every eye. Before that moment we had been looking at I know not
+what&mdash;the <i>Skylark</i>, maybe, now fitted with auxiliary motor power; or
+the too many soldiers in blue clothes, with only one arm or one leg, and
+sometimes with no legs at all, who take the sun near the Palace Pier and
+are not wholly destitute of female companionship. But when this
+outlandish vehicle came we all stopped to gaze and wonder, and we
+watched it out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>"Look at that extraordinary bicycle!" said the young, to whom it was
+something of the latest.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm blessed," said the old, "if there isn't one of those high
+bicycles from before the Flood!"</p>
+
+<p>And not only did it provide a diverting spectacle, but it gave us
+something to talk about at dinner, where we compared old feats perched
+on these strange monsters, in the days when the road from John o' Groats
+to Land's End was thick with competitors, and half the male world wore
+the same grey cloth, and the Vicar of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> Ripley strove every Sunday for
+the cyclist's soul.</p>
+
+<p>Being myself didactically disposed, I went farther than reminiscence and
+bored my companions with some such reflections as those that follow. It
+is not given (I said) to many of us to have a second time on earth, but
+this bicycle is having it, and enjoying it. In the distant
+eighteen-seventies or eighties it was, as a daring innovation, a marvel
+and a show. Then came (I went on) all the experiments and developments
+under which cycling has become as natural almost as walking, during
+which it lay neglected in corners, like the specimen in the London
+Museum in the basement of Stafford House. And then an adventurous boy
+discovered it, and riding it to-day bravely beside that promenade of
+sun-beetles, assisted it (I concluded) to box the compass and transform
+the Obsolete into the Novelty.</p>
+
+<p>Some day, if I live, there may visit me from the blue as I totter among
+the flower-beds an aeroplane of so scandalous a crudity and immaturity
+that all the countryside, long since weary of the sight and sound of
+flying machines, then so common that every cottager will have one, will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+again cluster about it while its occupants and I drink our tea.</p>
+
+<p>For with mechanical enterprise there is no standing still. Man, so
+conspicuously unable to improve himself, is always making his inventions
+better.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Friend of Man</h2>
+
+<h3>In Two Parts</h3>
+
+<h4>I. THE FALLEN STAR</h4>
+
+
+<p>Once upon a time there was a pug dog who could speak.</p>
+
+<p>I found him on a seat in Hyde Park.</p>
+
+<p>"Good afternoon," he said.</p>
+
+<p>Why I was not astonished to be thus addressed by a pug dog, I cannot
+say; but it seemed perfectly natural.</p>
+
+<p>"Good afternoon," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a long time," he said, "since you saw any of my kind, I expect?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now I come to think of it," I replied, "it is. How is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"There's a reason," he said. "Put in a nutshell it's this: Peeks." He
+wheezed horribly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I asked him to be more explicit, and he amplified his epigram into:
+"Pekingese."</p>
+
+<p>"They're all the rage now," he explained; "and we're out in the cold. If
+you throw your memory back a dozen years or so," he went on, "you will
+recall our popularity."</p>
+
+<p>As he spoke I did so. In the mind's eye I saw a sumptuous
+carriage-and-pair. The horses bristled with mettle. The carriage was on
+C-springs, and a coachman and footman were on the box. They wore claret
+livery and cockades. The footman's arms were folded. His gloves were of
+a dazzling whiteness. In the carriage was an elderly commanding lady
+with an aristocratic nose; and in her lap was a pug dog of plethoric
+habit and a face as black as your hat.</p>
+
+<p>All the time my new acquaintance was watching me with streaming eyes.
+"What do you see?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>I described my mental picture.</p>
+
+<p>"There you are," he said; "and what do you see to-day? There, look!"</p>
+
+<p>I glanced up at his bidding, and a costly motor was gliding smoothly by.
+It weighed several tons, and its tyres were like dropsical life-belts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+On its shining door was a crest. The chauffeur was kept warm by costly
+furs. Inside was an elderly lady, and in her arms was a russet
+Pekingese.</p>
+
+<p>"So you see what went when I went," the pug said, after a noisy pause.
+"It wasn't only pugs that went; it was carriages-and-pairs, and the
+sound of eight hoofs all at once, and footmen with folded arms. We
+passed out together. Exeunt pugs. Enter Peeks and Petrol. And now we are
+out in the cold."</p>
+
+<p>I sympathized with him. "You must transfer your affection to another
+class, that's all," I said. "If the nobs have gone back on you, there
+are still a great many pug-lovers left."</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said, "that's no good; we want chicken. We must have it.
+Without it, we had better become extinct." He wept with the sound of a
+number of syphons all leaking together, and waddled away.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the man who has charge of the chairs came up for my
+money. I gave the penny.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm afraid I must charge you twopence," the man said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I asked him why.</p>
+
+<p>"For the dog," he said. "When they talks we has to make a charge for
+them."</p>
+
+<p>"But it wasn't mine," I assured him. "It was a total stranger."</p>
+
+<p>"Come now," he said; and to save trouble I paid him.</p>
+
+<p>But how like a pug!</p>
+
+
+<h4>II. THE NEW BOOK OF BEAUTY</h4>
+
+<p>A hundred years ago the Books of Beauty had line engravings by Charles
+Heath, and long-necked, ringleted ladies looked wistfully or simperingly
+at you. I have several examples: <i>Caskets</i>, <i>Albums</i>, <i>Keepsakes</i>. The
+new Book of Beauty has a very different title. It is called <i>The
+Pekingese</i>, and is the revised edition for 1914.</p>
+
+<p>The book is different in other ways too. The steel engravers having long
+since all died of starvation, here are photographs only, in large
+numbers, and (strange innovation!) there are more of gentlemen than of
+ladies. For this preponderance there is a good commercial reason, as any
+student of the work will quickly discover, for we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> are now entering a
+sphere of life where the beauty of the sterner sex (if so severe a word
+can be applied to such sublimation of everything that is soft and
+voluptuous and endearing) is more considered than that of the other.
+Beautiful ladies are here in some profusion, but the first place is for
+beautiful and guinea-earning gentlemen.</p>
+
+<p>In the old Books of Beauty one could make a choice. There was always one
+lady supremely longer-necked, more wistful or more simpering than the
+others. But in this new Book of Beauty one turns the pages only to be
+more perplexed. The embarrassment of riches is too embarrassing. I have
+been through the work a score of times and am still wondering on whom my
+affections and admiration are most firmly fixed.</p>
+
+<p>How to play the part of Paris where all the competitors have some
+irresistibility, as all have of either sex? Once I thought that Wee Mo
+of Westwood was my heart's chiefest delight, "a flame-red little dog
+with black mask and ear-fringes, profuse coat and featherings, flat wide
+skull, short flat face, short bowed legs and well-shaped body." But then
+I turned back to Broadoak Beetle and on to Broadoak Cirawanzi,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> and
+Young Beetle, and Nanking Fo, and Ta Fo of Greystones, and Petsh&eacute; Ah
+Wei, and Hay Ch'ah of Toddington, and that superb Sultanic creature,
+King Rudolph of Ruritania, and Champion Howbury Ming, and Su Eh of
+Newnham, and King Beetle of Minden, and Champion Hu Hi, and Mo Sho, and
+that rich red dog, Buddha of Burford. And having chosen these I might
+just as well scratch out their names and write others, for every male
+face in this book is a poem.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies, as I have said, are in the minority, for the obvious reason
+that these little disdainful distinguished gentlemen figure here as
+potential fathers, with their fees somewhat indelicately named: since
+there's husbandry on earth as well as in heaven.</p>
+
+<p>Such ladies as are here are here for their beauty alone and are beyond
+price. Among them I note with especial joy Yiptse of Chinatown, Mandarin
+Marvel, who "inherits the beautiful front of her sire, Broadoak Beetle";
+Lavender of Burton-on-Dee, "fawn, with black mask"; Chi-Fa of
+Alderbourne, "a most charming and devoted little companion"; Yeng Loo of
+Ipsley; Detlong Mo-li of Alderbourne, one of the "beautiful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> red
+daughters of Wong-ti of Alderbourne," Champion Chaou Chingur, of whom
+her owner says that "in quaintness and individuality and in loving
+disposition she is unequalled," and is also "quite a 'woman of the
+world,' very <i>blas&eacute;e</i> and also very punctilious in trifles"; Pearl of
+Cotehele, "bright red, with beautiful back"; E-Wo Tu T'su; Berylune Tzu
+Hsi Chu; Ko-ki of Radbourne and Siddington Fi-fi.</p>
+
+<p>Every now and then there is an article in the papers asking and
+answering the question, What is the greatest benefit that has come to
+mankind in the past half-century? The answer is usually the camera, or
+matches, or the Marconi system, or the cinema, or the pianola, or the
+turbine, or the R&ouml;ntgen rays, or the telephone, or the bicycle, or Lord
+Northcliffe, or the motor-car. Always something utilitarian or
+scientific. But why should we not say at once that it was the
+introduction of Pekingese spaniels into England from China? Because that
+is the truth.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Listener</h2>
+
+
+<p>Once upon a time there was a man with such delicate ears that he could
+hear even letters speak. And, of course, letters lying in pillar-boxes
+have all kinds of things to say to each other.</p>
+
+<p>One evening, having posted his own letter, he leaned against the
+pillar-box and listened.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's another!" said a voice. "Who are you, pray?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm an acceptance with thanks," said the new letter.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you accept?" another voice asked.</p>
+
+<p>"An invitation to dinner," said the new letter, with a touch of pride.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh!" said the other. "Only that."</p>
+
+<p>"It's at a house in Kensington," said the new letter.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, <i>I'm</i> an acceptance of an invitation to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> dance at a duchess's,"
+was the reply, and the new letter said no more.</p>
+
+<p>Then all the others began.</p>
+
+<p>"I bring news of a legacy," said one.</p>
+
+<p>"I try to borrow money," said another, rather hopelessly.</p>
+
+<p>"I demand the payment of a debt," said a sharp metallic voice.</p>
+
+<p>"I decline an offer of marriage," said a fourth, with a wistful note.</p>
+
+<p>"I've got a cheque inside," said a fifth, with a swagger.</p>
+
+<p>"I convey the sack," said a sixth in triumph.</p>
+
+<p>"I ask to be taken on again, at a lower salary," said another, with
+tears.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think I am?" one inquired. "You shall have six guesses."</p>
+
+<p>"Give us a clue," said a voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well. I'm in a foolscap envelope."</p>
+
+<p>Then the guessing began.</p>
+
+<p>One said a writ.</p>
+
+<p>Another said an income-tax demand.</p>
+
+<p>But no one could guess it.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm a poem for a paper," said the foolscap letter at last.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Are you good?" asked a voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Not good enough, I'm afraid," said the poem. "In fact I've been out and
+back again seven times already."</p>
+
+<p>"A war poem, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose so. I rhyme 'trench' and 'French.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Guess what I am," said a sentimental murmur.</p>
+
+<p>"Anyone could guess that," was the gruff reply. "You're a love-letter."</p>
+
+<p>"Quite right," said the sentimental murmur. "But how clever of you!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said another, "you're not the only love-letter here. I'm a
+love-letter too."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you begin?" asked the first.</p>
+
+<p>"I begin 'My Darling,'" said the second love-letter.</p>
+
+<p>"That's nothing," said the first; "I begin 'My Ownest Own.'"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think much of either of those beginnings," said a new voice. "I
+begin, 'Most Beautiful.'"</p>
+
+<p>"You're from a man, I suppose?" said the second love-letter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I am," said the new one. "Aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I'm from a woman," said the second. "I'll admit your beginning's
+rather good. But, how do you end?"</p>
+
+<p>"I end with 'A million kisses,'" said the new one.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, I've got you there!" said the second. "I end with 'For ever and
+ever yours.'"</p>
+
+<p>"That's not bad," said the first, "but my ending is pretty good in its
+way. I end like this: 'To-morrow will be Heaven once more, for then we
+meet again.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, do stop all this love talk," said the gruff voice again, "and be
+sensible like me. I'm a letter to an Editor putting everything right and
+showing up all the iniquities and ineptitudes of the Government. I shall
+make a stir, I can tell you. I'm It, I am. I'm signed 'Pro Bono
+Publico.'"</p>
+
+<p>"That's funny!" said another letter. "I'm signed that too, but I stick
+up for the Government."</p>
+
+<p>But at this moment the listener was conscious of a hand on his arm and a
+lantern in his face.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Here," said the authoritative tones of a policeman, "I think you've
+been leaning against this pillar-box long enough. If you can't walk I'll
+help you home."</p>
+
+<p>Thus does metallic prose invade the delicate poetical realm of
+supernature.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Dark Secret</h2>
+
+
+<p>It was the most perfect September day that anyone could remember. The
+sun had risen in a dewy mist. The early air was pungent with yellowing
+bracken.</p>
+
+<p>Then the mist cleared, the dew disappeared from everywhere but the
+shadows, and the Red Admirals again settled on the Michaelmas daisies.</p>
+
+<p>A young man walked up and down the paths of the garden and drank in its
+sweetness; then he passed on to the orchard and picked from the wet
+grass a reddening apple, which he ate. Something pulled at his flannel
+trousers: it was a spaniel puppy, and with it he played till
+breakfast-time.</p>
+
+<p>He was staying with some friends for a cricket match. It was the last of
+the season and his only game that year. As one grows older and busier,
+cricket becomes less and less convenient, and on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> the two occasions that
+he had arranged for a day it had been wet.</p>
+
+<p>He had never been a great hand at the game. He had never made 100 or
+even 70, never taken any really good wickets; but he liked every minute
+of a match, so much so that he was always the first to volunteer to
+field when there was a man short, or run for some one who was lame, or
+even to stand as umpire.</p>
+
+<p>To be in the field was the thing. Those rainy interludes in the pavilion
+which so develop the stoicism of the first-class cricketer had no power
+to make a philosopher of him. All their effect on him was detrimental:
+they turned him black. He fretted and raged.</p>
+
+<p>But to-day there was not a cloud; nothing but the golden September sun.</p>
+
+<p>It was one of the jolly matches. There was no jarring element: no bowler
+who was several sizes too good; no bowler who resented being taken off;
+no habitual country-house cricketer whose whole conversation was the
+jargon of the game; no batsman too superior to the rest; no acerbitous
+captain with a lost temper over every mistake; no champagne for lunch.
+Most of the players<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> were very occasional performers: the rest were
+gardeners and a few schoolboys. Nice boys&mdash;boys who might have come from
+Winchester.</p>
+
+<p>He was quickly out, but he did not mind, for he had had one glorious
+swipe and was caught in the deep field off another, and there is no
+better way of getting out than that.</p>
+
+<p>In the field he himself stood deep, and the only catch that came to him
+he held; while in the intervals between wickets he lay on the sweet
+grass while the sun warmed him through and through. If ever it was good
+to be alive....</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly the sun no longer warmed him, and he noticed that it had
+sunk behind a tree in whose hundred-yard-long shadow he was standing.
+For a second he shivered, not only at the loss of tangible heat, but at
+the realization that the summer was nearly gone (for it was still early
+in the afternoon), and this was the last cricket match, and he had
+missed all the others, and he was growing old, and winter was coming on,
+and next year he might have no chance; but most of all he regretted the
+loss of the incredible goodness of this day, and for the first time in
+his life the thought phrased itself in his mind: "No<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> sooner do we grasp
+the present than it becomes the past." The haste of it all oppressed
+him. Nothing stands still.</p>
+
+<p>"A ripping day, wasn't it?" said his host as they walked back.</p>
+
+<p>"Perfect," he replied, with a sigh. "But how soon over!"</p>
+
+<p>They stopped for a moment at the top of the hill to look at the sunset,
+and he sighed again as his thoughts flew to that print of the
+"Melancholia" which had hung on the stairs in his early home.</p>
+
+<p>"Notice the sunset," some visitor had once said to him. "Some day you
+will know why D&uuml;rer put that in."</p>
+
+<p>And now he knew.</p>
+
+<p>That evening he heard the Winchester boys making plans for the winter
+sports at Pontresina in the Christmas vac.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Scholar and the Pirate</h2>
+
+
+<p>In an old bookshop which I visit, never without making a discovery or
+two&mdash;not infrequently, as in the present case, assisted in my good
+fortune by the bookseller himself&mdash;I lately came upon an edition of
+Long's <i>Marcus Aurelius</i> with an admirable prefatory note that is, I
+believe, peculiar to this issue&mdash;that of 1869. And since the eyes of the
+present generation have never been turned towards America so often and
+so seriously as latterly, when our Trans-Atlantic cousins have become
+our allies, blood once more of our blood, the passage may be reprinted
+with peculiar propriety. Apart, however, from its American interest, the
+document is valuable for its dignity and independence, and it had the
+effect of sending me to that rock of refuge, <i>The Dictionary of National
+Biography</i>, to inquire further as to its author. There I found that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>
+George Long, whose translation of the Imperial Stoic is a classic, was
+born in 1800; educated at Macclesfield Grammar School and Trinity
+College, Cambridge; in 1821 was bracketed Craven scholar with Macaulay
+and Professor Malden, but gained a fellowship over both of them; and in
+1824 went to Charlotteville, Virginia, as professor of ancient
+languages. Returning in 1828 to profess Greek at University College,
+London, he was thenceforward, throughout his long life, concerned with
+the teaching and popularizing of the classics, finding time, however,
+also to be called to the Bar, to lecture on jurisprudence and civil law,
+and to help to found the Royal Geographical Society. His <i>Marcus
+Aurelius</i> is his best-known work, but his edition of Cicero's Orations,
+his discourse on Roman Law, and his Epictetus also stand alone. After
+many years' teaching at Brighton College, Long retired to Chichester,
+where he died in 1879.</p>
+
+<p>Late in life he brought out anonymously a book of essays, entitled <i>An
+Old Man's Thoughts about Many Things</i>, in which I have been dipping. I
+do not say it would bear reprinting now, but anyone seeing it on a
+friend's shelf should borrow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> it, or in a bookshop should buy it,
+because such kindly good sense, such simple directness and candour and
+love of the humanities are rare. It has its mischief, too. The old
+scholar's opinion on statue-making in general and on London's statues in
+particular are expressed with a dry frankness that is refreshing. I make
+no effort to resist quoting a little:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It is in the nature of things that statues should be made.
+They were made more than two thousand years ago, and I
+believe the business has never stopped, for when people
+could not get good statues, they were content with bad, as
+we are now.</p>
+
+<p>"If I might give advice to the men now living, who look
+forward to the honour, if it is an honour, of being set up
+in bronze in the highways, or in marble in Westminster Abbey
+or St. Paul's; if I might advise, I would say, leave a
+legacy in your will for your own statue. It will save much
+trouble and people will think better of you when you are
+gone, if you cost them nothing. As to their laughing at you
+for looking after your own statue, be not afraid of that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"It is very disagreeable nowadays to see a man standing for
+ever on his legs in public, doing nothing but stand, and
+seeming as if he were never going to do anything else.</p>
+
+<p>"If a man shall try to persuade me that a statue should be
+nothing more than the effigy of a man standing on a
+pedestal, I shall never be convinced. I would rather see a
+living man standing on an inverted cask, as I have seen a
+slave when he was sold, not that the sale is a very pleasant
+thing to see, but the man produced a much better effect than
+many of our statues, for he expressed something and they
+express nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"As we cannot or at least ought not to make our statues
+naked or blanket-dressed, and as body and legs are merely
+given to a statue in order to support the head, for the legs
+and body might be any legs and any body, would it not be
+wise to be satisfied with the head only? This would be a
+great saving, and though the sculptor would get less for a
+head than for a head with body and legs to it, he would have
+more heads to make. This is a hint, which I throw out by the
+way, for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> the consideration of committees who sit on
+statues, by which I mean men who sit together to talk about
+a thing of which most of them know nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"When the negroes of Africa have been brought to the same
+state of civilization as the white man, they will make
+statues and set them up in public; and as we who are white
+make black statues, they who are black will of course make
+white statues.</p>
+
+<p>"Can anybody say what sin Dr. Jenner committed for which he
+does perpetual penance, not in white, but in black, his face
+black and his hands too, seated in the most public part of
+London, fixed to his chair, with no hope of rising from it?</p>
+
+<p>"This seated figure might be anybody. I see nothing by which
+I recognize Dr. Jenner; to say nothing of a cow, there is
+not even a calf by his side, with the benevolent physician's
+hand on the animal.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot approve of a seated black statue in the open
+air&mdash;a black man sitting, and no more.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I sincerely pity our seated gentlemen in London, poor
+Cartwright, who looks like an old cobbler on his stool, and
+Fox, worse treated still, blanket-dressed, fat and black. No
+wonder some shortsighted man from the new Confederate States
+once took Fox for a negro woman, the emblem of British
+philanthropy and a memorial of the abolition of the slave
+trade.</p>
+
+<p>"The only beasts on which we can now place our heroes are
+horses. I may be wrong in my opinion, but I see no beauty in
+a horse standing still and a man's legs dangling down from
+the beast's back; nor do I think that the matter is mended
+by the horse and rider being of colossal size, though they
+ought to be larger than life. Perhaps we shall not have any
+more of these statues; but is it impossible to remove those
+that we have?</p>
+
+<p>"As we are a fighting people, we have been great makers of
+statues of fighting men. We put them even in churches. This
+reminds that when the time shall come for finishing and
+adorning the inside of St. Paul's, there will be an enormous
+quantity of old stone to dispose of, which is now<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> in the
+shape of generals, captains, admirals, lions and other
+animals.</p>
+
+<p>"It is singular, or it is not singular, I can't say which,
+that we who box, wrestle, run and in many ways work our
+bodies, more than any other nation, have not employed our
+sculptors to immortalize our athletic heroes. Some of them
+would make good subjects for the artist. He might strip the
+boxer or runner naked, if he liked, and exhibit his art in
+the representation of strength and beauty of form. I have
+some misgivings about the faces of boxers, which are not
+remarkable for beauty, but the artist may improve them a
+little without destroying the likeness; and besides, in a
+naked figure we look less at the face than at the body and
+limbs. The champion of England would certainly have had a
+statue by Lysippus or some artist as good, if he had been
+lucky enough to live in ancient times.... We shall, of
+course, want a place to put these statues in, for we may be
+sure they will not get into the churches, which are only
+made for statues of fighting men who have killed somebody or
+ordered somebody to kill somebody.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I could go on much longer, but I don't choose. I write to
+amuse myself, and also to instruct, and when I am tired, I
+stop. I see no reason why I should exhaust the subject. I
+should only be giving my ideas to people who have none, who
+make a reputation out of other folks' brains, who pounce on
+anything that they find ready to their hand, and flood us
+with books made only to sell."</p></div>
+
+<p>It is already, I imagine, abundantly clear that Long would not have much
+liked many things that we do to-day. Writing of "Place and Power," he
+says: "At that very distant time when all members of Parliament shall be
+Andrew Marvells and will live on two hundred a year, poor men may do our
+business for us; but for the present I prefer men who are rich enough to
+live without the profits of place. I wish somebody would move for a
+return of all the visible and invisible means of support which every
+member of the Commons has. I want to know how much every man in the
+House receives of public money, whether he is soldier, sailor,
+place-holder, sinecurist, or anything else; and also how much he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> has by
+the year of his own." Elsewhere he says: "There is no occasion to print
+any more sermons.... I have always wondered why so much is written on
+the doctrines and principles of Christianity and on good living, when we
+have it done long ago in a few books which we all refer to as our
+authority." And this is good: "I wish Euclid could have secured a
+perpetual copyright. It might have helped the finances of the Greeks."</p>
+
+<p>But I am not proposing to dissect Long's essays; it is the fine rebuke
+to an American publisher that I want to bring to your notice, for there
+Long's habitual serenity takes an edge. His protest runs thus:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"I have been informed that an American publisher has printed
+the first edition of this translation of M. Antoninus. I do
+not grudge him his profit, if he has made any. There may be
+many men and women in the United States who will be glad to
+read the thoughts of the Roman Emperor. If the American
+politicians, as they are called, would read them also, I
+should be much pleased, but I do not think the emperor's
+morality would suit their taste.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I have also been informed that the American publisher has
+dedicated this translation to an American. I have no
+objection to the book being dedicated to an American, but in
+doing this without my consent the publisher has transgressed
+the bounds of decency. I have never dedicated a book to any
+man, and if I dedicated this, I should choose the man whose
+name seemed to me most worthy to be joined to that of the
+Roman soldier and philosopher. I might dedicate the book to
+the successful general who is now the President of the
+United States, with the hope that his integrity and justice
+will restore peace and happiness, so far as he can, to those
+unhappy States which have suffered so much from war and the
+unrelenting hostility of wicked men.</p>
+
+<p>"But, as the Roman poet said,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Victrix causa Deis placuit, sed victa Catoni;<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and if I dedicated this little book to any man, I would
+dedicate it to him who led the Confederate armies against
+the powerful invader, and retired from an unequal contest
+defeated, but not dishonoured; to the noble Virginian
+soldier, whose talents and virtues place him by the side of
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> best and wisest man who sat on the throne of the
+Imperial C&aelig;sars.&mdash;<span class="smcap">George Long</span>."</p></div>
+
+<p>That is excellent prose, is it not? The general to whom Long would
+dedicate the edition was Robert Edward Lee, who had then become head of
+the Washington College and survived only until 1870. The President at
+the time that Long wrote was General Grant, to whom Lee surrendered.</p>
+
+<p>One or two anecdotes of Long which have recently come my way would alone
+convince me, apart from the evidence of his record and his writings,
+that here was a very sterling and very independent "character" of whom
+much more should be known. Some day I hope to know more. Meanwhile I
+relate one of the stories. An appeal for cast-off clothing for the poor
+clergy being made, some one took the line that such an appeal was <i>infra
+dig</i>. Long smoked, pondered, and thus delivered himself: "But is it not
+paramount that these gentlemen should have trousers?"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Set of Three</h2>
+
+
+<p>The other day I saw three sights, and, although they have no connexion
+with each other, each was in its way sufficiently evocative of thought
+to make that day a little more interesting than most.</p>
+
+<p>It was the first day of the tardy spring of 1917, or rather the first
+day into which had crept those hints that the power of the long, cruel
+war-winter must some day be broken. The sun was almost visible, and a
+tenderness now and then touched the air, and no one who is at all
+responsive to weather conditions could fail to be a little elated and
+believe once more not only in a future of sorts but also in a lurking
+benignancy somewhere. Stimulated myself in this way, even although I was
+approaching a rehearsal of a <i>revue</i>, I came suddenly in the King's Road
+upon that disused burial-ground opposite the Six Bells, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> was aware
+that, sitting there on seats facing the road, in white aprons and caps,
+with shawls over their shoulders, were five of the saddest old ladies I
+have ever seen&mdash;occupants, I presume, of a neighbouring workhouse. There
+they sat, saying nothing, and watching without enthusiasm the passers-by
+and the 'buses and the taxis and all the hurry and scurry of an
+existence from which they are utterly withdrawn and which they will soon
+leave for ever. Being on my frivolous errand, I was pulled up very short
+by the spectacle of five such stallholders as these whom the bigger
+<i>revue</i> which we call life had left so cold; and not only cold, but so
+tired and so white, as life loves to do. There was a poignancy in their
+very placidity, in the folded hands and the incommunicableness of them,
+that was very searching. There was criticism too. Hardly more sentient
+than the mummies which were displayed to the guests at Egyptian feasts,
+they were equally admonitory....</p>
+
+<p>I was glad again to be in the theatre listening to the familiar tones of
+the producer wondering why in thunder no one but himself had the
+faintest respect for punctuality.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Later in the day I saw a blinded officer, with both eyes bandaged, being
+led along Sloane Street. Blinded men are, alas! not rare, and it was not
+the officer himself that attracted my notice, but two fine, upstanding
+young soldiers who as they passed him saluted with as much punctilio as
+though he could see them. Of this salute he was, of course, wholly
+unconscious, but the precision with which it was given, and, indeed, the
+fact that it was given at all, could not but make an impression on the
+observer. It seemed to comprise so thoroughly both the spirit and the
+letter of discipline.</p>
+
+<p>And late that night I watched in the Tube, after the theatres, a man
+and a small eager-faced boy talking about something they had been to
+see. Although sitting exactly opposite them, I have no idea what they
+said, but they amused each other immensely as they recalled this joke
+and that. Nothing extraordinary in this, you will say. But there was.
+The reason why I was so profoundly interested to be a witness of the
+scene was that they were deaf and dumb, and the whole conversation was
+carried on by signs; not by the alphabet that one learnt at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> school in
+order to communicate during class, but a rapid synthetic improvement
+upon it, where two or three lightning-quick movements&mdash;gesture
+grammalogues&mdash;sufficed to convey whole sentences of meaning. It is
+perhaps curious, but I had never before been brought into such close
+contact with the deaf and dumb; I have never even been&mdash;as, since I
+profess to explore and study London, I should have been&mdash;to that church
+in Oxford Street, opposite the great secret emporium, where the deaf
+and dumb worship and by signs are exhorted to be good. Beyond watching
+that boys' school which one sees gesticulating on the Brighton front, I
+had never until this night seen these afflicted creatures in intimate
+and sparkling talk. I found the sight not only interesting, but as
+cheering as those poor old things in the King's Road oasis had been
+saddening. Because the unfortunates were making such a splendid fight
+for it. No boy with every faculty about him could have been gayer or
+merrier than this mute with the dancing eyes; nor can I conceive of a
+spoken conversation that contained a completer interchange of ideas in
+the same space of time.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p><p>At Oxford Circus they got out, and left me pondering on deafness and
+dumbness. To be dumb, of course, is, comparatively speaking, nothing;
+for most of the perplexities of life come from talk. But to be deaf&mdash;to
+live ever in silence, to see laughing lips moving, to see hands
+wandering over the keys, to see birds exulting, and be denied the
+resultant harmonies: that must be terrible. Yet terrible only to those
+who have known what the solace and gaiety of words and the beauty of
+sound can be. To have been born deaf is different, and I have no doubt
+whatever that the deaf and dumb have delectable lands of their own into
+which we can never stray, where wonderful flowers of silence grow. It is
+even possible, since all the visible world is theirs, that they never
+envy us at all.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Lesson</h2>
+
+
+<p>God&mdash;it is notorious&mdash;works in a mysterious way to get morality and
+decency into us; which is another way of saying that not all light is
+communicated by the Episcopal bench, by clerks in holy orders, by
+divines who do not conform, or by editors at Whitefield's Tabernacle.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, for example, I had lunch with a very charming actress in
+a pleasant restaurant.</p>
+
+<p>"Rather a funny thing happened the last time I was here," she remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?" I replied languidly.</p>
+
+<p>"About you."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."</p>
+
+<p>"It was also at lunch," she explained. "The people at the next table
+were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man there
+said he had met you in Shanghai."</p>
+
+<p>"Not really!" I exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see, I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"</p>
+
+<p>Ever since she told me this I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing&mdash;or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand, it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.</p>
+
+<p>The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.</p>
+
+<p>What did the man mean? Can we possibly visit other cities in our sleep?
+Has each of us an <i>alter ego</i>, who can really behave, elsewhere?</p>
+
+<p>Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact, it has already begun to change it. Let me give you
+an example.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had dispatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post office, and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the Postmaster-General himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.</p>
+
+<p>And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly, and apologized, and rewrote the message, and
+gave the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in
+Shanghai one must be delightful at home too.</p>
+
+<p>And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered double in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard some one who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1>ON BELLONA'S HEM</h1>
+
+<h2>(SECOND SERIES)</h2>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p>
+<h2>ON BELLONA'S HEM</h2>
+
+
+<h2>A Revel in Gambogia</h2>
+
+<p>There are certain ebullitions of frivolity about which, during the war,
+one has felt far from comfortable. To read reports of them, side by side
+with the various "grave warnings" which every one has been uttering, is
+to be almost too vividly reminded of England's capacity for divided
+action. But there are also others; and chief among these I should set
+the fancy-dress carnival of munition-workers at which I was privileged
+to be present one Saturday night. Here was necessary frivolity, if you
+like, for these myriad girls worked like slaves all the week, day and
+night, and many of them on Sundays too&mdash;and "National filling," as their
+particular task is called, is no joke either&mdash;and it was splendid to see
+them flinging themselves into the fun of this rare careless evening.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Fancy dress being the rule, it was only right and proper that there
+should be prizes for the best costumes; and since the lady who shed her
+beneficence over this prismatic throng does nothing by halves, she had
+called in the assistance of two artists to adjudicate. I will not make
+public their names; that would be to overstep the boundaries of decorum
+and turn this book into sheer journalism. But I will say that one of
+them is equally renowned in Chelsea for his distinguished brushwork and
+his wit; and that the other's extravaganzas cheer a million
+breakfast-tables daily. How I, who am not an artist, and so little of a
+costumier that I did not even wear evening dress, got into this <i>gal&egrave;re</i>
+is the mystery. I can explain it only by a habit of good fortune, for I
+chanced to be in the studio of the Chelsea artist at the moment when the
+beneficent lady arrived to put her request to him, and, noticing my
+pathetic look, she in her great kindness included me in the invitation.</p>
+
+<p>Deciding on the best costume when there are many hundreds of them, and
+they pass before the dazzled eye in a swift procession of couples, is
+not easy; and only very remarkable men could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> perform the task. Women
+might find it easier, because they would not be influenced, as one of
+our judges obviously was, by the external claims of personal beauty. A
+woman would look at the costume and nothing else, make her notes with
+scientific precision, and prepare for the next. But when the competitors
+are all&mdash;or almost all&mdash;girls, and most of them pretty and all jolly,
+why, how can you expect impartiality, especially in artists, and at any
+rate without a struggle? But in spite of the difficulties set up by the
+impact of so much charm upon the emotional susceptibilities of at any
+rate one judge, the process of selecting a first, second, and third was
+accomplished with, I should say&mdash;speaking as a calm, detached spectator,
+with all my feelings well under control&mdash;absolute equity.</p>
+
+<p>The first prize went to a slender lady of whose features I can say
+nothing because I never saw them, her Eastern costume including a veil
+that covered her face. But it seemed to these not too discerning eyes
+that she was otherwise of an attractive shapeliness. As to her, the
+judges were unanimous; but when it came to the second they were divided.
+The Chelsea judge, again<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> swayed by passion, and possibly recalling old
+triumphs in his Latin Quarter days, preferred a French costume; the
+other was firm for an Indian. What would have happened I dare not think,
+for each was a powerful and determined man, ready to stick at nothing,
+had I not, in my cool-headedness, been inspired to suggest tossing up
+for it, and the result was that, the coin showing heads, the Indian won,
+and the French costume naturally took the third prize. There were then
+two prizes to be awarded for the most original costumes, the previous
+ones having been for the prettiest costumes, and here the winner was a
+jovial lady who with her own hands had transformed herself into an
+advertisement for a certain soup powder.</p>
+
+<p>The iron laws of etiquette (or is it finance?) which so cramp the style
+of any writer who refers to advertisements forbid me to state what
+particular soup powder this was; but according to the hoardings, the way
+in which a pennyworth will nourish and rejoice the human frame is, as
+the Americans say, something fierce. If the applause of the company was
+a guide, this prizewinner is a very popular figure among our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> "National
+fillers." The second prize went to a very ingenious costume called
+"Tommy's Parcel," consisting of most things that a soldier likes to
+receive, and so thorough in design as to comprise, tied to the lady's
+shoes, two packets of a harmful necessary powder without a copious
+sprinkling of which no trench is really like home. If the approving
+glances at "Tommy's Parcel" from a young officer who was at my side are
+any indication, there are few of our warriors who would not welcome it
+with open arms.</p>
+
+<p>And then&mdash;the prizes being all awarded&mdash;all these nice girls, on whose
+activities England has been so largely depending for safety, set again
+to partners.</p>
+
+<p>But why, you ask, Gambogia? I thought you would want to know that. It is
+because in the making of munitions at the factory from which these girls
+all come there are certain chemicals which have the effect of turning
+the skin yellow. And among these merry revellers were some thus&mdash;but, I
+hope and believe, only temporarily&mdash;disfigured. The cheerfulness with
+which they are prepared to run these risks, not to mention others more
+perilous but less menacing to personal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> vanity, is not the least of the
+finenesses of character which the war has brought out; and the thought
+of that and of their hard work and their gay courage made the spectacle
+of the happy high spirits of this evening of playtime even more a
+satisfaction.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Misfire</h2>
+
+
+<p>When I entered the third smoker there was, as there now always is, a
+soldier in one corner.</p>
+
+<p>Just as we were starting, another soldier got in and sat in the opposite
+corner; and within two minutes they knew all about each other's camp,
+destination and regiment, and had exchanged cigarettes.</p>
+
+<p>The first soldier had not yet left England and was stolid; the new-comer
+had been in the trenches, had been wounded in the leg, had recovered,
+was shortly going back, and was animated. His leg was all right, except
+that in wet weather it ached. In fact he could even tell by it when we
+were going to have rain. His "blooming barometer" he called it. Here he
+laughed&mdash;a hearty laugh, for he was a genial blade and liked to hear
+himself talk.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The first soldier did not laugh, but was interested. He thought it a
+convenient thing to have a leg that foretold the weather.</p>
+
+<p>"Which one is it?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"The left."</p>
+
+<p>The first soldier was disproportionately impressed.</p>
+
+<p>"The left, is it?" he said heavily, as though he would have understood
+the phenomenon in the right easily enough. "The left."</p>
+
+<p>Completely unconscious of the danger-signals, the second soldier now
+began to review his repertory of stories, and he started off with that
+excellent one, very popular in the early days of the war, about the
+wealthy private.</p>
+
+<p>For the sake of verisimilitude he laid the scene in his own barracks. "A
+funny thing happened at our place the other day," he began. He had
+evidently had great success with this story. His expression indicated
+approaching triumph.</p>
+
+<p>But no anticipatory gleam lit the face of his new friend. It was in fact
+one of those faces into which words sink as into sand&mdash;a white, puffy,
+long face, with a moustache of obsolete bushiness.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I thought I should have died of laughing," the narrator resumed,
+utterly unsuspicious, wholly undeterred.</p>
+
+<p>In the far corner I kept my eye on my book but my ears open. I could see
+that he was rushing to his doom.</p>
+
+<p>"We were being paid," he went on, "and the quartermaster asked one of
+the men if he did not wish sixpence to be deducted to go to his wife.
+The man said, 'No.' 'Why not?' the quartermaster asked. The man said he
+didn't think his wife would need it or miss it. 'You'd better be
+generous about it,' the quartermaster said; 'every little helps, you
+know.'"</p>
+
+<p>He paused. "What do you think the man said to that?" he asked his new
+friend. "He said," he hurried on, "'I don't think I'll send it. You see,
+I allow her four thousand a year as it is.'"</p>
+
+<p>The raconteur laughed loudly and leaned back with the satisfaction&mdash;or
+at least some of it&mdash;of one who has told a funny story and told it well.</p>
+
+<p>But the other did not laugh at all. His face remained the dull thing it
+was.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"You see," said the story-teller, explaining the point, "there are all
+sorts in the Army now, and this man was a toff. He was so rich that he
+could afford to allow his wife four thousand pounds a year. Four
+thousand pounds! Do you see?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I see that. He must have been very rich. Why was he just a
+private?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"Funny being a private with all that money. I wonder you didn't ask
+him."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't, anyway. But you see the point now. No end of a joke for the
+quartermaster to try and get a man who allowed his wife four thousand a
+year to deduct sixpence a week to send to her! I thought I should have
+died of laughing."</p>
+
+<p>The first soldier remained impassive. "And what happened?" he asked at
+last.</p>
+
+<p>"What happened?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, what was done about it? The sixpence, I mean. Did he agree to send
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>The second soldier pulled himself together. "Oh, I don't know," he said
+shortly. "That's not the point."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"After all," the other continued, "the regulations say that married men
+have to deduct sixpence for their wives, don't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, of course," the other replied. "But this man, I tell you, already
+gave her four thousand a year."</p>
+
+<p>"That doesn't really touch it," said the first soldier. "The principle's
+the same. Now&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But I could stand the humiliation of the other honest fellow, so
+brimming with anecdote and cheerfulness, no longer; and I came to his
+rescue with my cigarette case. For I have had misfires myself.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Letter</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend</i>)</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Man</span>,&mdash;You asked me to tell you if anything very
+remarkable came my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I
+could only write I would make something of it myself, but not being of
+Kitchener's Army I can't.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts, and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two
+young fellows want to see you," he said.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them.</p>
+
+<p>"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd
+look.</p>
+
+<p>"What do they want?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the
+doctor."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We've had some of these before&mdash;consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; knocked out by the first route
+march.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.</p>
+
+<p>Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"</p>
+
+<p>So I wished them farther and said "Yes"; and in they came.</p>
+
+<p>They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life&mdash;too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies.
+They held their caps in their hands.</p>
+
+<p>"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my
+brutal way.</p>
+
+<p>"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course it can't," I told them. "What use to the Army are weaklings
+who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the machinery. Don't
+you see that?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Only what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only&mdash;&mdash;" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes"; and they both came closer to me.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"</p>
+
+<p>"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud
+of myself for thinking of it.</p>
+
+<p>"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began.</p>
+
+<p>"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in.</p>
+
+<p>"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued.</p>
+
+<p>"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;&mdash;" said Red Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots
+of men and much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us
+enlist."</p>
+
+<p>"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.</p>
+
+<p>The rum thing is that, although I had been conscious of something odd, I
+never thought they were girls. Directly I knew it, I knew that I had
+been the most unobservant ass alive; for they couldn't possibly be
+anything else.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with
+the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do
+as company for you."</p>
+
+<p>"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the
+soldiers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought
+as a man for years and lived to be a hundred."</p>
+
+<p>"And think of Joan of Arc," said Red Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"And Boadicea," said Black Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "leaving Joan of Arc and Boadicea aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" said Black Hair, who was really rather peculiarly nice. "Then why
+didn't you spot us before?"</p>
+
+<p>One for me.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no doubt I should have done so in a moment more," I said. "The
+fact is"&mdash;what cowards we are!&mdash;"I was preoccupied when you came in."</p>
+
+<p>Black Hair looked adorably as if she didn't believe it.</p>
+
+<p>"But anyway," I went on, "we must be serious. What would your people
+say?"</p>
+
+<p>"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Here all four of their beautiful eyes grew moist.</p>
+
+<p>I could have hugged both of them, especially perhaps Black Hair, but I
+kept an iron hand on myself.</p>
+
+<p>"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through, how do you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline.
+And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses
+and let your lovely hair grow again."</p>
+
+<p>They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at
+last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it
+(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that
+masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better.</p>
+
+<p>After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other.</p>
+
+<p>He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance
+because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been
+running his eye over young women all these years without being able to
+tell them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes.</p>
+
+<p>At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, sir," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only about those two young men, sir," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Better not mention it," I managed to say.</p>
+
+<p>He promised.</p>
+
+<p>There&mdash;won't you find that useful?</p>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 16em;">Yours, C. S.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A Manor in the Air</h2>
+
+
+<p>The stately homes of England have ever numbered some very odd names.
+Every one remembers that beautiful Southern retreat whither, to the
+delight of the wags, Mr. Balfour often journeyed for his week-end
+holiday&mdash;"Clouds," the seat of the Wyndhams. Could there be a much more
+fascinating name than "Clouds"? And then there is "Wrest," the late Lord
+Lucas's Bedfordshire home, afterwards transformed, how suitably, into a
+hospital for soldiers. And there is that Midland paradise which, in the
+days of placid, even life, the editors of illustrated weeklies always
+recollected with gratitude when they were short of other
+pictures&mdash;"Compton Wynyates."</p>
+
+<p>But the new name which I have just discovered, and which fills the
+inward eye with joy, is a house on a smaller scale than these&mdash;a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>
+manor-house rather than a mansion, perhaps one of the smallest that can
+be described as a "gentleman's place," but assuredly that. Somewhere in
+Sussex, western Sussex.</p>
+
+<p>It is not near the station, and to reach it you walk or drive along
+winding roads just now sodden with rain, but smelling of the good wet
+Sussex leaves and mast and soil, with the Downs rising not too many
+miles away in the South. Then a turn into a narrow lane, with the bare
+trees of a copse on either side and a scurrying pheasant in front of
+you, and behold the white gate! There is no lodge&mdash;the house is just too
+small for that, as you can now see for yourself, for there it is, under
+the protection of the wood that rises behind it, so quiet and
+self-contained that you almost gasp.</p>
+
+<p>Very old it is, but good for many years more. The frame is of timber and
+plaster, and a Horsham stone roof. These stones are a little damp and
+moss-covered (for our ancestors insisted on building in a hole, or where
+would Friday's fish come from?), and the place is as Tudor as Queen Bess
+herself, in whose reign its foundations were dug. The chimney stacks,
+all smoking with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> thin blue smoke of logs, are of tiny Tudor bricks,
+and the chimneys are set not square with the house but cornerways. A
+long low fa&ccedil;ade with the central door in a square porch; the whole grave
+but serene.</p>
+
+<p>A path of more Horsham stone leads to the door, with thyme and lavender
+springing from the interstices undismayed by the feet of man, and smooth
+lawns on each side, and under the diamond-paned windows a bed where in
+summer would be night stock and lemon verbena and tobacco plant and
+mignonette. On the roof a few white fantails; a spaniel near the door;
+and a great business of rooks in the sky. Through the windows of the
+lower rooms you see the greenery at the back of the house and a
+suggestion here and there of books and pictures&mdash;everything that makes a
+house a home.</p>
+
+<p>Beside the house on the right are the stables; and on the other side is
+a dark shrubbery, and beyond that are more lawns and gardens and the
+fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p>Do you see it? Perhaps you have already seen it differently; for how
+could you help forming some mental picture of it when in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> every carriage
+on the L.B. &amp; S.C.R. is posted up the notice, "Passengers to Lower
+Blinds"?</p>
+
+<p>To me "Lower Blinds," whither all these fortunate passengers are
+journeying, is just such a manor-house as that.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Rivalry</h2>
+
+
+<p>When I sat down on the seat facing the Row there was already on it a
+soldier in the familiar blue clothes. He had the red moustache which
+inevitably leads to the nickname of "Ginger," or possibly "Carrots," and
+he was smoking a cigarette. By his side were his crutches. After a
+minute or so a very tall figure, also in blue, hobbled towards us and
+took the space between Ginger and myself.</p>
+
+<p>The freemasonry of arms has, I suppose, always, among rankers, made any
+introduction needless; but there has unhappily come in a new and a super
+freemasonry which goes beyond anything that uniform could do. I mean the
+freemasonry of mutilation. By reason of their wounds these strangers
+were as brothers.</p>
+
+<p>At first they talked hospitals. Then regiments. Then Haig, of whom it
+has so finely and finally been said, by another British hero:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> "'Aig 'e
+don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say
+don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something&mdash;my Gawd!"
+Then they came to grips and mentioned the cause of their
+injuries&mdash;bullet or shrapnel. Then the time and the place. Both had been
+hit in the knee, and this coincidence, operating like all coincidences,
+added to their friendliness. Their cigarettes finishing simultaneously,
+Ginger gave Six-foot-two one of his; and Six-foot-two offered his little
+packet to Ginger in exchange.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you often come here?" Ginger asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Every fine day," said Six-foot-two, "unless there's a ride in a brake
+or a free matinee on the tappy."</p>
+
+<p>"I must look you up again," said Ginger.</p>
+
+<p>"Do," said Six-foot-two. "When do you expect to leave?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't say," replied Ginger. "There's no knowing. You see mine's a
+very extraordinary case." He smiled complacently.</p>
+
+<p>"That's funny. So's mine," said Six-foot-two.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you mean&mdash;extraordinary?" the other asked a little sharply.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Why, the doctors have had so much difficulty with it. It's a unique,
+they say. How many operations did you have?"</p>
+
+<p>"How many did you have?" Ginger replied, with the caution of the
+challenged.</p>
+
+<p>"Go on&mdash;I asked you first," said Six-foot-two. "Was it more than eight,
+anyway?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was ten," said Ginger.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I had eleven," said Six-foot-two proudly. "They went after those
+bullets eleven times. But they're all out now. I had every doctor in the
+place round me."</p>
+
+<p>"So did I," said Ginger, "and one of my bullets isn't out yet. It's
+right in the bone. They're going to try again soon." He had quite
+recovered his good-humour.</p>
+
+<p>"What about your patella?" Six-foot-two inquired after a pause.</p>
+
+<p>"My what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your patella. Do you mean to say the doctors didn't talk about that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I dare say they may have done, but I don't remember. Still, <i>our</i>
+doctors don't talk much&mdash;they act."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so do ours. There aren't better doctors<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> in the world than at our
+place, I can tell you. It's common knowledge. Why, Sir Rashleigh Hewitt
+is there every day&mdash;the great Sir Rashleigh Hewitt, the King's doctor."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the King has more than one. Sir Frank Carver is another, and he's
+at our place day and night. He's a masterpiece."</p>
+
+<p>"I've always understood," said Six-foot-two, "that Sir Rashleigh is at
+the very head of his profession. The nurses say so."</p>
+
+<p>"He may be for some things," Ginger conceded. "But not the knee. Sir
+Frank Carver is the crack knee man. Now if you'd been at our place I
+dare say that one operation would have been enough for you."</p>
+
+<p>"Enough? What rot! How could it be enough, with all the complications? I
+tell you it's a unique, my case."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it may be. But what I'm getting at is that it might not be if
+you'd had Sir Frank Carver, the great knee specialist, at it at once."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, give Sir Frank Carver a rest. Sir Rashleigh Hewitt's good enough
+for me and for anyone else who knows."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"All right," said Ginger. "Keep your hair on!"</p>
+
+<p>"My hair's on right enough," said Six-foot-two. "It's you who are
+getting ratty."</p>
+
+<p>There was a pause, and both lighted new cigarettes, each taking one of
+his own.</p>
+
+<p>"What puzzles me," Six-foot-two began slowly, "is no one saying anything
+about your patella. That's the great marvel of my case&mdash;my patella. It's
+full of holes, like a sieve. There's never been one like it before. The
+profession's wild about it. That's what makes me so interesting to
+them."</p>
+
+<p>"Where is it, anyway?" Ginger snapped out.</p>
+
+<p>"In the knee, of course."</p>
+
+<p>"In the knee! Well, if it's in the knee mine must be full of holes too.
+I've got everything you can have in the knee, I tell you. Everything."</p>
+
+<p>"Have they written anything about you in the papers?" Six-foot-two
+asked. "No. Ah," he went on triumphantly, "they have about me. There's a
+medical paper with a piece in it all about my patella. I sent it home
+and they've framed it. It's the most astonishing thing in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> surgery that
+I should be able to be walking about at all."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what they tell <i>me</i>," Ginger replied. "But, anyhow, your bullets
+are all out. I've got another one yet, and by the time that's out I dare
+say I shall have had twenty operations and a whole column in the papers.
+But as for articles in papers, they're nothing. Have you got your X-ray
+photograph?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," Six-foot-two admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"They gave me mine," said Ginger. "I sent it home. It's over the
+mantelpiece, my mother says. People come from miles to look at it. It's
+a pity you didn't get yours. That was foolish of you, if I may say so.
+Well, so long. I'm having tea to-day with one of our grand lady visitors
+in Rutland Gate. If you don't see me here when you come again, the
+chances are I shall be having my next operation. So long!"</p>
+
+<p>"So long!" said Six-foot-two.</p>
+
+<p>Ginger on his crutches moved away.</p>
+
+<p>"Extraordinary," Six-foot-two murmured, either to me or to himself or to
+the Park at large, "how some blokes always want to be the most important
+things in the world."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p>
+<h2>A First Communion in the War Zone</h2>
+
+
+<p>Everyone who has made a stay in Paris or in any French town, and has
+been at all observant, must have noticed, either singly or in little
+groups, that prettiest of the flora and fauna of Roman Catholic
+countries, a "first communicant" in her radiant and spotless
+attire&mdash;from white shoes to white veil, and crown of innocence over all.
+One sees them usually after the ceremony, soberly marching through the
+streets, or flitting from this friend to that like runaway lilies.
+Prinking and preening a little in the shop windows, too; and no wonder,
+for it is something to be thus clad and thus important; and never will
+such clothes be worn by these wearers again. Meanwhile the younger
+children envy, and little attendant bodies of proud relations somewhere
+in the vicinity admire and exult.</p>
+
+<p>If I write as if all "first communicants" are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> little girls, it is
+because it is the little girls who are the most noticeable. And who
+cares about little boys anyway? Yet boys communicate too, and in their
+broad white collars and with their knots of white ribbon they may also
+be seen, although less frankly delighted; indeed, often a little
+self-conscious and ashamed. But the little girls, who know instinctively
+that women are the backbone of the Roman Catholic Church, they are
+natural and full of happy pride; they carry it off with style.</p>
+
+<p>In the spring of 1915 it was my fortune not only to know personally a
+bouquet of these eager little French pietists, but to be present as one
+of the congregation at the great event&mdash;their <i>premi&egrave;re communion</i>. It
+was not in Paris, nor in a town at all, but far away in the country, in
+a village where the guns of Verdun could be heard in the lulls of the
+service. There were six little girls in all, and I saw them pass into
+the safe keeping of their new mother, the Church of Rome, and in visible
+token receive from the officiating hands a pictorial certificate so
+chromatically violent that it could not but satisfy any childish eyes
+and, under such conditions of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> emotional excitement, must ever remain as
+a symbol of their consecration. I heard, too, the cur&eacute;'s address to
+these lambs, in which he briefly outlined the life and character of
+Christ and of certain of the disciples, coming to each with much the
+same tender precision and ecstasy as a fastidious and enthusiastic
+collector to the choicest porcelain.</p>
+
+<p>But what chiefly interested me was the form of the vow which the good
+cur&eacute;&mdash;one of the best of men, who, in September 1914, saw his church
+reduced to ruins and most of his parish destroyed by fire by the
+invading Huns, and never budged from his post&mdash;had himself recently
+drawn up for such occasions. What the usual form of such documents is I
+cannot say, but in view of the serious plight of France and the
+renaissance of patriotic fervour in the brave and unconquerable French
+nation, the cur&eacute; had infused into this one an element of public duty
+hitherto omitted.</p>
+
+<p>At the end of the "jolie c&eacute;r&eacute;monie," as in conversation he called it,
+and as it truly was, I asked him for a copy of this admirable catechism,
+and here are a few of its questions and answers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The title is "A Promise to be a good Christian and a good Citizen of
+France":</p>
+
+<p><i>Q. What is the road to Heaven?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A. That which my mother, the Holy Roman Church, shows me. If I follow
+it, I am convinced that, while gaining happiness for myself, I shall
+increase the glory of my family and the honour of my country.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Q. Does the Church command you to obey the legitimate laws of your
+country?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A. Yes; and I must be ready, if needful, to give my blood for her.</i>
+(Poor little white peacocks!)</p>
+
+<p><i>Q. On whom do you count to assist you?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A. Here, on earth, on my parents and on my instructors. Above, on God,
+on the angels and the saints, and principally on my guardian angel, on
+the holy Saint Peter, and on the blessed Joan of Arc.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Q. Who are your enemies?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A. The enemies of France, and those who, all unenlightened, attack the
+Church.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Q. What is your ambition?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A. To see France victorious and united in a bond of love with the
+Church, to see her add to the tricolour the Image of the Sacred Heart,
+and to see her take soon her place at the head of the nations.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Is not that rather fine? It must be to the good thus to blend religion
+and patriotism. I know that, especially on that soil over which the
+Germans had spread so devastatingly, one could not listen to these fresh
+young voices raised together in such idealism without a quickened
+heart.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Ace of Diamonds</h2>
+
+
+<p>The French, always so quick to give things names&mdash;and so liberal about
+it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they
+sometimes invent fifty names for one thing&mdash;have added so many words to
+the vocabulary since August 1914 that a glossary, and perhaps more than
+one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of this
+glossary it is almost impossible to understand some of the numerous
+novels of Poilu life.</p>
+
+<p>By no means the least important of these creations is the infinitesimal
+word "as"&mdash;or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des
+carreaux" (to give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds.
+To-day all France, with that swift assimilation which has ever been one
+of its many mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. And what is
+this new meaning?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Well "as" has two. Originally it was applied strictly to flying men, and
+it was reserved to signify an aviator who had brought down his fifth
+enemy machine. Had he brought down only four he was a gallant fellow
+enough, but he was not an "as." One more and he was an ace of diamonds,
+that card being the fifth honour in most French games as well as in
+Bridge.</p>
+
+<p>So much for the first and exact meaning of the term. But later, as I
+gather from a number of <i>La Ba&iuml;onnette</i> devoted to its uses, the word
+has been extended to cover all kinds of obscure heroes, the men, and
+they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but do not get into
+the papers or receive medals or any mention in dispatches. We all know
+that many of the finest deeds performed in war escape recognition. One
+does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses
+and all the other desirable tokens of valour are conferred wrongly.
+Nothing of the kind. They are nobly deserved. But probably there never
+was a recipient of the V.C. or the D.S.O. or the Military Cross who
+could not&mdash;and did not wish to&mdash;tell his Sovereign, when the coveted
+honour<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> was being pinned to his breast, of some other soldier not less
+worthy than himself of being decorated, whose deed of gallantry was
+performed under less noticeable conditions. The performer of such a deed
+is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not public hero.</p>
+
+<p>The "as" can be found in every branch of the army, and he is recognized
+as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant.
+Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be
+numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying
+anonymous. "Voil&agrave;, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of
+these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that
+chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A."</p>
+
+<p>That satirical child of the war, <i>La Ba&iuml;onnette</i> every week devotes
+itself, as its forerunner, <i>L'Assiette an Beurre</i>, used to do, to one
+theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, usually in the
+army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the war steadily
+occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I find recorded
+an incident of the French Army<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> so moving that I want to tell it here,
+very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before the attack at
+Carency&mdash;and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, for he was
+himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abb&eacute; a regiment was
+assembled, and to them spoke their captain. The scene was the yard of a
+farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure heap in the
+middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two American reapers
+and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a thin predatory
+dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable and now and then
+scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the dwelling-house door; the
+old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, drawn up, listening to
+their captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all hard-bitten, weary,
+all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, and all ready to go
+on for ever.</p>
+
+<p>This is what the captain said&mdash;a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking
+calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen
+the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant,
+and this is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to
+attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an
+hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be
+the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed
+at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for
+the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be
+killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn,
+according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at
+Sa&iuml;da before the war. What will be left by the time you have reached the
+point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a
+lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold
+it. Fall out."</p>
+
+<p>That captain was an "as."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p>
+<h2>The Reward of our Brother the Poilu</h2>
+
+
+<p>We often talk of the best poem which the war has produced; and opinions
+usually vary. My own vote, so far as England is concerned, is still
+given to Julian Grenfell's lyric of the fighting man; but if France is
+to be included too, one must consider very seriously the claims of <i>La
+Passion de Notre Fr&egrave;re le Poilu</i>, by Marc Leclerc, which may be had in a
+little slender paper-covered book, at a cost, in France, where it has
+been selling in its thousands, of one franc twenty-five. This poem I
+have been reading with a pleasure that calls to be shared with others,
+for it is not only very touching and very beautiful, but it has also
+certain of those qualities which are more thoroughly appreciated in
+company. Beauty and tenderness can make their appeal alone; but humour
+demands two at least and does not resent a crowd, and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> humour of
+this little masterpiece is very deep and true.</p>
+
+<p>Did I say I had been reading it? That is to use words with unjustifiable
+looseness; rather should I say that I have been in part reading and in
+part guessing at it; for it is written in the Angevin patois, which is
+far beyond my linguistic capacity. Not that Captain Leclerc is a rustic;
+on the contrary, he is a man of culture and the author of several books,
+chiefly on and about Anjou, one of which has illustrations from his own
+hand; but it has amused him in this poem to employ his native dialect,
+while, since he, like so many French authors, is fighting, the soldierly
+part of it is authentic.</p>
+
+<p>It was a poor devil of a Poilu&mdash;it begins&mdash;and he went to the war,
+automatically enough, knowing without any words about it that the soil
+which he cultivated must also be defended. That was his duty. After
+suffering the usual ills of the campaign, suddenly a 210 burst near him,
+and he never rallied. He just had time to give a few messages to the
+corporal before he died. "You must tell my wife," he said, "but do it
+gradually; say, I'm ill first. Give what money<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> I have here to my pals,"
+and so forth. Then, after repeating his testament, he passed quietly
+away.</p>
+
+<p>On reaching the gate of Heaven the Poilu finds St. Peter beating the
+mats. "Wipe your shoes," St. Peter says, "and take the right-hand
+corridor. The Judgment Hall is at the end." All trembling, the poor
+fellow passes along the corridor, at the end of which an angel in white
+takes down particulars as to his name, his class, and so forth, and
+tells him that he is expected. Entering the Judgment Hall, the Poilu is
+bewildered by its austerity and splendour. The Good God is at the head,
+between Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin. All the saints are there,
+and the Poilu notices particularly the military ones&mdash;St. George, St.
+Hubert, St. Michael, St. Leonard, St. Marcel, St. Charlemagne, St.
+Martin, St. Sulpice, St. Barbe, St. Maurice, and St. Jeanne d'Arc.
+Seeing all these famous soldiers, he exclaims, "It's a Conseil de
+Guerre! Perhaps I can slip away." But escape is impossible, and at this
+moment the Good God tells him to begin his history.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do before the war?" He asks.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> The Poilu replies that he
+was a farmer in a very small way; he worked on the land, and he had some
+stock&mdash;two oxen, a horse, a cow, a wife, some fowls, "and, saving your
+presence, a pig." "Ah!" exclaims St. Anthony, "a pig! That reminds me!
+Pigs! Sois b&eacute;ni, mon fr&egrave;re." But the Good God frowns, and St. Anthony
+makes himself very small.</p>
+
+<p>And then, the Poilu continues, he became a soldier, which leads to the
+awkward question, had he always behaved himself as such? Alas! it
+appears that he had not. For one thing, he has not always been sober, he
+is confessing, when Noah interrupts with the comment that insobriety is
+not such a very serious affair. In fact, he himself once ... and by this
+time the reader begins to get the drift of this joyous humane fantasy,
+the point being that the hierarchy of Heaven are all on the side of the
+brave simple soldier who has died that France might live. As how could
+they not be? Another time, the Poilu continues, he was sent to prison
+for cutting a piece from his coat in order to mend the seat of his
+trousers&mdash;in other words, for injuring Government property; and here St.
+Martin breaks in with indignation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> at the punishment. "Why, when I did
+very much the same," he says, "and cut my cloak to cover a paralytic, I
+was canonized for it!" And so on.</p>
+
+<p>Then comes a graver note. The Poilu, feeling an effort to be necessary,
+for the Good God has never relaxed His sternness throughout, becomes
+eloquent. Not only was he killed, but before that, he says, he suffered
+much. The hardships of war on the Western front are terrible. He had
+been famished, he had been frozen, he had been burned by the sun. He had
+been sleepless, he had been footsore, and the sweat had poured from him
+under his heavy burdens, for often he had carried not only his own
+haversack but those of his comrades. In short.... But here St. Simon,
+speaking softly to Christ, says, "Like you, Lord, at Golgotha." In my
+prose this is, of course, too crude; but I assure you that in the poem
+it is a great moment. And another follows it, for as the Good God still
+says nothing, the Poilu points to the blue robe of the Blessed Virgin,
+and to the great white beard of the Good God himself, and to the red
+cloak of our Lord, and exclaims, "Voil&agrave; mes trois couleurs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> The three
+colours of France. It was for them that I have lost my life; fighting
+for them has brought me to this Judgment Hall!"</p>
+
+<p>That is fine, is it not? Only the French genius is capable of just such
+a splendid blend of na&iuml;vet&eacute;, emotion, and the best kind of
+theatricalism. And at these words at last the Good God smiles, and
+behind Him Heaven opens for the Poilu to enter.</p>
+
+<p>There is a little more&mdash;for it seems that Heaven is full of Poilus with
+blue caps, and golden helmets, and wings that remove the possibility of
+getting wet feet or weary feet any more for ever and ever. And our Poilu
+joins these others, who look happy and are happy, and sings with them
+"Glory to God in the highest," while the angels, not perhaps wholly
+without irony, answer, "Peace on earth and goodwill to men."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Note</h2>
+
+
+<p>With the exception of a few pages, the longest essay in this book&mdash;that
+which gives it its title&mdash;is now published for the first time. The
+papers grouped under the headings "Diversions" and "On Bellona's Hem"
+which follow have already appeared in print, in <i>Punch</i> and <i>The
+Sphere</i>, but in their present form have been always revised and often
+extended.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">PRINTED BY MORRISON AND GIBB LTD., EDINBURGH</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="bbox">
+<h3>Transcriber's note</h3>
+<p>Page <a href="#Page_156">156</a>: energitic <i>sic</i>.</p></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
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@@ -0,0 +1,5451 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Boswell of Baghdad
+       With Diversions
+
+Author: E. V.  Lucas
+
+Release Date: December 10, 2006 [EBook #20083]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD
+
+
+
+
+OTHER WORKS BY E. V. LUCAS
+
+The Vermilion Box
+Landmarks
+Listener's Lure
+Mr. Ingleside
+Over Bemerton's
+London Lavender
+Cloud and Silver
+Loiterer's Harvest
+One Day and Another
+Fireside and Sunshine
+Character and Comedy
+Old Lamps for New
+The Hambledon Men
+The Open Road
+The Friendly Town
+Her Infinite Variety
+Good Company
+The Gentlest Art
+The Second Post
+A Little of Everything
+Harvest Home
+Variety Lane
+The Best of Lamb
+The Life of Charles Lamb
+A Swan and Her Friends
+London Revisited
+A Wanderer in Venice
+A Wanderer in Paris
+A Wanderer in London
+A Wanderer in Holland
+A Wanderer in Florence
+The British School
+Highways and Byways in Sussex
+Anne's Terrible Good Nature
+The Slowcoach
+Remember Louvain!
+Swollen-Headed William
+
+and
+
+The Pocket Edition of the Works of Charles
+Lamb: I. Miscellaneous Prose; II. Elia;
+III. Children's Books; IV. Poems and
+Plays; V. and VI. Letters.
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF
+BAGHDAD
+
+WITH DIVERSIONS
+
+BY
+
+E. V. LUCAS
+
+THIRD EDITION
+
+METHUEN & CO. LTD.
+36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
+LONDON
+
+_This Book was First Published    September 20th 1917_
+
+_Second Edition                   December       1917_
+
+_Third Edition                            1918_
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                          PAGE
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD                         1
+
+
+DIVERSIONS--
+
+  NURSES                                    93
+
+  NO. 344260                                99
+
+  THE TWO PERKINSES                        106
+
+  ARTS OF INVASION                         118
+
+  THE MARBLE ARCH AND PETER MAGNUS         128
+
+  THE OLDEST JOKE                          133
+
+  THE PUTTENHAMS                           140
+
+  POETRY MADE EASY                         148
+
+  A PIONEER                                153
+
+  FULL CIRCLE                              158
+
+  A FRIEND OF MAN                          164
+
+  THE LISTENER                             171
+
+  THE DARK SECRET                          176
+
+  THE SCHOLAR AND THE PIRATE               180
+
+  A SET OF THREE                           191
+
+  A LESSON                                 196
+
+
+ON BELLONA'S HEM (SECOND SERIES)--
+
+  A REVEL IN GAMBOGIA                      201
+
+  THE MISFIRE                              207
+
+  A LETTER                                 212
+
+  A MANOR IN THE AIR                       219
+
+  RIVALRY                                  223
+
+  A FIRST COMMUNION IN THE WAR ZONE        229
+
+  THE ACE OF DIAMONDS                      234
+
+  THE REWARD OF OUR BROTHER THE POILU      239
+
+  NOTE                                     245
+
+
+
+
+=A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD=
+
+
+
+
+A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD
+
+I.--INTRODUCTORY
+
+
+A curious and very entertaining work lies before me, or, to be more
+accurate, ramparts me, for it is in four ponderous volumes, capable,
+each, even in less powerful hands than those of the Great Lexicographer,
+of felling a bookseller. At these volumes I have been sipping, beelike,
+at odd times for some years, and I now propose to yield some of the
+honey--the season having become timely, since the great majority of the
+heroes of its thousands of pages hail from Baghdad; and Baghdad, after
+all its wonderful and intact Oriental past, is to-day under Britain's
+thumb.
+
+The title of the book is _Ibn Khallikan's Biographical Dictionary_,
+translated from the Arabic by Bn Mac Guckin de Slane, and printed in
+Paris for the Oriental Translation Fund of Great Britain and Ireland,
+1842-71, some centuries after it was written, for its author was dead
+before Edward II ascended the English throne. Who would expect Sir
+Sidney Lee to have had so remote an exemplar?
+
+Remote not only in time but in distance. For although we may go to the
+East for religions and systems of philosophy that were old and proved
+worthy centuries before Hellenism or Christianity, yet we do not usually
+find there models for our works of reference. Hardly does Rome give us
+those. But there is an orderliness and thoroughness about Ibn
+Khallikan's methods which the _Dictionary of National Biography_ does
+not exceed. The Persian may be more lenient to floridity ("No flowers,
+by request," was, it will be remembered, the first English editor's
+motto), but in his desire to leave out no one who ought to be in and to
+do justice to his inclusions he is beyond praise.
+
+The modernity of the ancients is continually surprising us. It is one of
+the phenomena to which we are never quite inured (and could we be so we
+should perhaps merely substitute the antiquity of the moderns as a new
+source of wonder), but towards such inuring Ibn Khallikan should
+certainly help, since he was eminently a gossip, and in order to get
+human nature's fidelity to the type--no matter where found, whether aeons
+ago or to-day, whether in savage lands or, as we say, civilized--brought
+home to us, it is to the gossips that we must resort: to the Pepyses and
+Boswells rather than to the Goethes and Platos; to the little recorders
+rather than the great thinkers. The small traits tell.
+
+Ibn Khallikan's Dictionary is as interesting as it is, not because its
+author had any remarkable instinct as a biographer, or any gift of
+selection, but because if a man sets out to take account of everything,
+much human nature and a little excellence are bound to creep in.
+
+I do not pretend to have dug in these volumes with any great
+seriousness. My object has been to extract what was odd and simple and
+most characteristic, in short, what was most human, and there is enough
+residuum for a horde of other miners. But I warn them that the dross is
+considerable. Ibn Khallikan's leniency to trivialities is incorrigible,
+and his pages are filled with pointless anecdotes, dull sayings, and
+poetry whose only recommendation is its richness in the laboured
+conceits that he loved. So much did he esteem them that were, say, all
+English intellectual effort in every direction at his disposal to
+descant upon, his favourite genius would probably be John Lyly.
+
+But although most of the poetry admired and quoted by Ibn Khallikan is
+marked by affectation, now and then--but very rarely--it is beautifully
+simple. Thus, in one of the poems of Ibn Zuhr, a learned Moslim teacher
+and physician of Spain (1113-99), is expressed, with a tenderness and
+charm that no modern or no Greek of the Anthology could exceed, the
+ardent desire which he felt for the sight of his child, from whom he
+happened to be separated: _I have a little one, a tender nestling, with
+whom I have left my heart. I dwell far from him; how desolate I feel in
+the absence of that little person and that little face. He longs for me,
+and I long for him; for me he weeps, and I weep for him. Our
+affectionate wishes are weary with passing from him to me, from me to
+him._
+
+
+II.--IBN KHALLIKAN
+
+Let me say something as to who Ibn Khallikan was. His father, Muhammad
+Ibn Ibrahim, was professor in the college at Arbela founded by Kukuburi,
+or the Blue Wolf, the governor of that city and the region of which it
+was the capital, the brother-in-law of Salah Ad-Din, the sultan, whom we
+in England know as Saladin, the enemy of the Cross, and the son of Ali
+Ibn Bektikin, known as "Little Ali, the Ornament of Religion." Kukuburi,
+who, although standing for the Crescent and all that was most abhorrent
+to our Crusaders, was famous as a founder of asylums, schools, hospitals
+for the blind, homes for widows, orphanages, and so forth, made special
+favourites of the family of which Ibn Khallikan was a scion. Ibn himself
+was born on September 22, 1211, and before he was two had begun
+instruction by his father and was the recipient of a certificate from
+Zainab, a very learned lady, stating that he was an industrious pupil.
+
+In 1229, after having already read and studied much, particularly
+theology and law, Ibn Khallikan left Arbela with his brother and
+entered the college at Aleppo, then an educational centre, remaining
+until 1234. After this he moved from one place to another, always
+seeking more knowledge, until 1247-8, when he is found at Cairo
+occupying a seat in the imperial tribunal and acting as deputy for the
+kadi Sinjar, chief judge and magistrate of all Egypt. Later he himself
+became the kadi of Al-Mahalla, and by 1256, when he was forty-five, he
+had married, become a father, and had completed the first copy of his
+_Biographical Dictionary_, which was, of course, as we must always
+remember in connexion with the books mentioned in these Lives, a
+manuscript.
+
+In 1261 he was appointed chief kadi over all the provinces of Syria,
+with his tribunal at Damascus, in which post he remained for ten years.
+He was not, however, sole kadi for long, as three others were appointed
+to assist him: a development that was meat and drink to the local
+satirists, one of whom wrote: _The men of Damascus are bewildered with
+the multitude of legal decisions. Their kadis are all suns, and yet they
+are in the dark._ Another said: _The people of Damascus have witnessed
+a perfect miracle: the greater the number of suns the more the world is
+in the dark._ Being found wanting, and replaced, Ibn Khallikan took a
+professorship in Cairo, learned by heart further enormous quantities of
+poetry, and engaged in literary discussions which, judging by a specimen
+given in one of his Lives, were even more futile than discussions
+usually are.
+
+The vicissitudes of fortune, always noticeably extreme in the East,
+brought him again to be kadi at Damascus in 1278, when his reappointment
+was signalized by public ceremonies, including the composition by
+numberless poets of congratulatory and adulatory verses, which must have
+been very dear to his simple old heart, and not the less so because he
+may have discovered from his astonishing repertory that not all were
+strictly original: such discoveries and the tracing back of the loans to
+their fount being the greatest of his pleasures.
+
+Thereafter, until the year 1281, the Kadi lived with much honour, famed
+as the most learned and widely-read personage in Damascus, filling his
+house with scholars and discursive amateurs of verse, and engaging in
+conversations that are described by a friend as "most instructive,
+being entirely devoted to learned investigations and the elucidation of
+obscure points."
+
+But Ibn Khallikan, who was now nearing three-score years and ten, was
+destined still to misfortune, for suddenly, in 1281, he was deposed from
+his kadi-ship and, more than that, thrown into prison on the charge of
+having made a remark detrimental to the sultan, Kalavun. A pardon soon
+after arriving, he was liberated and again reinstated; but after ten
+more months as a kadi he was, in 1282, dismissed finally, and this time
+he refused ever more to leave his house, and died there in the same
+year.
+
+Not a word (you will say) so far as to Baghdad. But although Ibn
+Khallikan spent most of his life in Egypt or Syria, the greater number
+of his heroes were, as I have said, citizens all of the city of the
+romance which recently has fallen to Sir Stanley Maude's gallant forces.
+Yet of the romance which we shall always associate with Baghdad he knew
+nothing. To him it was delectable (and perhaps even romantic too--each
+of us having his own conception of what romance is) because grave
+bearded men there taught religion, explained the _Koran_, disputed as
+to points of grammar, exchanged sarcasms and swapped verses. Not,
+however, as I hope to show, unamusingly.
+
+What indeed I particularly like about the book is the picture that it
+gives of sardonic pleasantry and intellectual and sophisticated
+virtuosity going quietly on side by side with all the splendours and
+barbarities of absolute autocracy and summary jurisdiction. It throws a
+new or unaccustomed light on those days. Not even yet--not even in
+Bloomsbury, where the poets meet--have we in England anything quite like
+it; whereas when Baghdad and Damascus were the theatres of these
+poetical and hair-splitting competitions our ancestors had but just got
+the woad off.
+
+
+III.--MEN OF LETTERS
+
+Those of us who know Baghdad only through the _Arabian Nights_ and the
+ingenious productions of Mr. Oscar Asche, were not prepared for such a
+complete foreshadowing of the literary life and the literary temperament
+as Ibn Khallikan gives us.
+
+Here, for example, is a poem by a book-lover--or manuscript-lover, to
+be more exact--written by Ibn Faris Ar-Razi, the philologer, who died
+before the Norman Conquest, which a later Occidental can cheerfully
+accept and could not much improve upon: _They asked me how I was. I
+answered: "Well, some things succeed and some fail; when my heart is
+filled with cares I say: 'One day perhaps they may be dispelled.' A cat
+is my companion; books, the friends of my heart; and a lamp, my beloved
+consort."_ That is modern enough! Something of this kind, which is an
+earlier version of Omar Khayyam's famous recipe for earthly bliss, has
+often been attempted since by our own poets; but nothing better.
+Favourite books, a lighted lamp, a faithful cat, and the library were
+paradise enow. It is odd, by the way, that Omar Khayyam himself,
+although his dates qualify him, is not found in this work. But to make
+tents, even with leanings towards astronomy, was no high road to Ibn
+Khallikan's sympathies. Had Omar explained the _Koran_ or had views on
+the suffixes of words, all would have been well.
+
+While on the subject of sufficient paradises let me quote some verses by
+Ibn Sukkara Al-Hashimi, a famous Baghdad poet of the tenth century:
+_The winter set in, and I provided myself with seven things necessary
+when the rain prevents us from pursuing our usual occupations. These
+things are: A shelter, a purse, a stove, a cup of wine preceded by a bit
+of meat, a tender maid, and a cloak._
+
+Ibn Khallikan does not let it stop there, but fishes up from his memory
+a derivative, by Ibn Al-Taawizi, running thus: _When seven things are
+collected together in the drinking-room, it is not reasonable to stay
+away. These are: Roast meat, a melon, honey, a young girl, wax-lights, a
+singer to delight us, and wine._
+
+So much for the modernity and sense of comfort of the Persian author, as
+he flourished in Baghdad all those years ago. But there was then still
+more in publishing than yet meets the eye. The books of the juriconsult,
+Al-Mawardi, for example, reached posterity almost by chance. While he
+lived he did not publish any of his works but put them all up together
+in safety. On the approach of death, however, he said to a person who
+possessed his confidence: "The books in such a place were composed by
+me, but I abstained from publishing them, because I suspected, although
+my intention in writing them was to work in God's service, that that
+feeling, instead of being pure, was sullied by baser motives. Therefore,
+when you perceive me on the point of death and falling into agony, take
+my hand in yours, and if I press it, you will know thereby that none of
+these works has been accepted [by God] from me. In this case, you must
+take them all and throw them by night into the Tigris. But if I open my
+hand and close it not, that is the sign of their having been accepted,
+and that my hope in the admission of my intention as sincere and pure,
+has been fulfilled."
+
+"When Al-Mawardi's death drew near," said his friend, "I took him by the
+hand, and he opened it without closing it on mine, whence I knew that
+his labours had been accepted, and I then published his works."--But
+what a responsibility for a friend!
+
+Penmanship being, of course, the only medium between author and readers
+in those days, it follows that calligraphy was held in high esteem, and
+among famous calligraphers was Kabus Ibn Wushmaghir, who, although "the
+greatest of princes, the star of the age, and the source of justice and
+beneficence," thought it worth while (as all mighty rulers have not) to
+write a most beautiful hand. When the Sahib Ibn Abbad saw pieces in his
+handwriting, he used to say: "This is either the writing of Kabus or the
+wing of a peacock"; and he would then recite these verses of
+Al-Mutanabbi's: _In every heart is a passion for his handwriting; it
+might be said that the ink which he employed was a cause of love. His
+presence is a comfort for every eye, and his absence an affliction._
+
+The extraordinary literary activity of those times may be illustrated by
+the following passage dropped casually into the biographical notice of
+Ali Talib: "The grandson of this thief was the famous Al-Asmai, the
+philologer, who composed treatises on the following subjects: the human
+frame; the different species of animals; on the _anwa_, or influence of
+the stars on the weather; on the letter _hamza_; on the long and the
+short _elif_; on the difference between the names given to the members
+of the human body and those given to the same members in animals; on
+epithets; on the doors of tents; on games of chance played with arrows;
+on the frame of the horse; on horses; on camels; on sheep; on tents; on
+wild beasts; on the first and fourth form of certain verbs; on proverbs;
+on words bearing each two opposite significations; a vocabulary; on
+weapons; on dialects; on the springs of water frequented by the nomadic
+Arabs; a collection of anecdotes; on the principles of discourse; on the
+heart; on synonymous terms; on the Arabian peninsula; on the formation
+of derivative words; on the ideas which usually occur in poetry; on
+nouns of action; on _rajaz_ verses; on the palm-tree; on plants; on
+homonymous terms; on the obscure expressions met with in the Traditions;
+on the witticisms of the desert Arabs." Ibn closes the list with the
+word "etc." The late John Timbs could hardly beat this record of
+industry and versatility.
+
+There is hope for authors in the following story of Ibn Al-Khashshab,
+who knew the _Koran_ by heart and was a scholar of considerable
+attainments. "When he died," says the Katib Imad Ad-Din, "I was in
+Syria, and I saw him one night in a dream, and said to him: 'How has God
+treated thee?'
+
+"'Well,' he replied.
+
+"'Does God show mercy to literary men?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'And if they have been remiss?'
+
+"'A severe reprimand will be given, but,' Al-Khashshab was moved to add,
+and let us never forget it, 'then will come eternal happiness.'"
+
+There are other scraps of consolation, scattered about the volumes,
+which apply not alone to men of letters. The Prophet, for example, once
+said: "Every lie shall be written down as a lie by the recording angels,
+with the exception of three: a lie told in order to reconcile two men; a
+lying promise made by a man to his wife; and a lie in which a man, when
+engaged in war, makes a promise or a threat."
+
+But the most solacing sentiment in the whole four volumes is by the poet
+Abu Nuwas Ibn Hani, who carried Hedonism very far: _Multiply thy sins to
+the utmost, for thou art to meet an indulgent Lord. When thou comest
+before Him, thou shalt behold mercy and meet the great, the powerful
+King. Then thou shalt gnaw thy hands with regret, for the pleasures
+which thou avoidedst through fear of hell._--It is, says Ibn Khallikan,
+a "very fine and original thought." It could certainly be a very
+stimulating one.
+
+
+IV.--THE FIRST GRAMMARIAN
+
+Grammarians and Traditionists (both given also to poesy) being Ibn
+Khallikan's real heroes, let me say something of each. A Traditionist
+was a learned man intimate with the _Koran_, whose duty it was to
+separate the spurious traditions which so naturally would have collected
+around such a figure as Muhammad from the true. As to the importance of
+the _Koran_ in Moslim life and its place as the foundation of all Moslim
+learning, let the translator of Ibn Khallikan be heard. "The necessity,"
+he says, "of distinguishing the genuine Traditions from the false gave
+rise to new branches of literature. A just appreciation of the credit to
+which each Traditionist was entitled could only be formed from a
+knowledge of his moral character, and this could be best estimated from
+an examination of his life. Hence the numerous biographical works
+arranged in chronological order and containing short accounts of the
+principal Traditionists and doctors of the law, with the indication of
+their tutors and their pupils, the place of their birth and residence,
+the race from which they sprung, and the year of their death. This again
+led Moslim critics to the study of genealogy and geography. The use of
+writing existed in Arabia before the promulgation of Islamism, but
+grammar was not known as an art till the difficulty of reciting the
+_Koran_ correctly induced the khalif Ali to make it an object of his
+attention. He imposed on Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali the task of drawing up
+such instructions as would enable the Moslims to read their sacred book
+and speak their language without making gross faults."
+
+Another version of the beginnings of grammar eliminates the khalif Ali
+altogether. The story goes that as Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali (603-88)
+entered his house on a certain day, one of his daughters said to him:
+"Papa! what is most beautiful in the sky?"
+
+To this he answered: "Its stars."
+
+But she replied: "Papa, I do not mean what is the most beautiful object
+in it; I was only expressing my admiration at its beauty."
+
+"In that case you must say," he observed, "'How beautiful is the sky!'"
+
+Upon thinking this over, says Ibn Khallikan, Abu 'l-Aswad invented the
+art of grammar.
+
+Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali thus is the father of this book, for had there
+been no grammarians I am sure that Ibn Khallikan would never have
+written it. Poetry tickled him; but grammar was his chief delight, as it
+was the chief delight of all his friends and, one gathers, of all
+Baghdad. Here is an example: "Al-Mamun, having asked Al-Yazidi about
+something, received from him this answer: 'No; and may God accept my
+life as a ransom for yours, Commander of the Faithful!'
+
+"'Well said!' exclaimed the khalif. 'Never was the word _and_ better
+placed than in the praise which you have just uttered.'" He then made
+him a present.
+
+We get an insight both into the passion for the new science of grammar
+and what might be called the physical humour of the East in this
+anecdote. Abu Safwan Khalid Ibn Safwan, a member of the tribe of Tamim,
+was celebrated as an eloquent speaker. He used to visit Bilal Ibn Abi
+Burda and converse with him, but his language was frequently
+ungrammatical. This grew at length so irksome that Bilal said to him: "O
+Khalid! you make me narrations fit for khalifs to hear, but you commit
+as many faults against grammar as the women who carry water in the
+streets."
+
+Stung with this reproach, Khalid went to learn grammar at the mosque,
+and some time after lost his sight. From that period, whenever Bilal
+rode by in state, he used to ask who it was, and on being answered that
+it was the Emir, he would say: "There goes a summer-cloud, soon to be
+dispelled."
+
+When this was told to Bilal, he exclaimed: "By Allah! it shall not be
+dispelled till he get a full shower from it;" and he then ordered him a
+whipping of two hundred strokes.
+
+When books were so few and most learning came through the ear, memory
+had to be cultivated. The Traditionist, Ibn Rahwaih, was a Macaulay in
+his way. "I know," he used to say, "by heart seventy thousand
+traditions; I have read one hundred thousand, and can recollect in what
+work each is to be found. I never heard anything once without learning
+it by heart, nor learned anything by heart which I afterwards forgot."
+
+The sittings of the teacher, Ibn Al-Aarabi (767-846), who knew by heart
+more poetry than any man ever seen, were crowded by people anxious for
+instruction. Abu 'l-Abbas Thalah said: "I attended the sittings held by
+Ibn Al-Aarabi, and saw there upwards of one hundred persons, some asking
+him questions and others reading to him; he answered every question
+without consulting a book. I followed his lessons upwards of ten years,
+and I never saw him with a book in his hand; and yet he dictated to his
+pupils camel-loads of philological information."
+
+The grammarian Moad Ibn Muslim Al-Harra left some good poetry, which he
+gave as having been uttered by genii, demons and female demons. The
+caliph Ar-Raschid once said to him: "If thou sawest what thou hast
+described, thou hast seen wonders; if not, thou hast composed a nice
+piece of literature."
+
+An-Nahhas the grammarian who, on being given a turban-cloth, would cut
+it into three from avarice, met his death, in 950, in an unfortunate
+manner--being, although living in so remote a period, mistaken for a
+"profiteer." I quote Ibn Khallikan's words: "He had seated himself on
+the staircase of the Nilometer, by the side of the river, which was then
+on the increase, and began to scan some verses according to the rules of
+prosody, when a common fellow who heard him said: 'This man is
+pronouncing a charm to prevent the overflow of the Nile, so as to raise
+the price of provisions.' He then thrust him with his foot into the
+river and nothing more was heard of him."
+
+Not all these learned men were philosophical, even though they were
+philosophers. Abu Nizar Ibn Safi Malik An-Nuhat assumed the title
+"Prince of Grammarians," but if any other name was given to him by those
+addressing him he would fly into a passion.
+
+The old fellows could be superstitious too. It is amusing to read that
+Abu Obaida, when repeating passages of the _Koran_ or relating
+Traditions, made mistakes designedly: "For," said he, "grammar brings
+ill luck."
+
+
+V.--THE FIRST PROSODIST
+
+After grammar, prosody. That a falling apple should lead Sir Isaac
+Newton's thoughts to the problem of gravity is not so remarkable, but
+that the laws of prosody should result from an equally capricious
+occurrence strikes one as odd. I mention the discoverer's name partly
+that schoolboys may remember him, or not, in their prayers. It was
+Al-Khalil Ibn Ahmad who, at Mecca, had besought Allah to bestow upon him
+a science hitherto unknown. Allah being in a complaisant mood, it
+followed that not long after, walking in the bazaar, Al-Khalil invented
+prosody as he passed a coppersmith's and heard him hammering a basin.
+
+Once started on his career as an inventor, he continued; but a later
+discovery cost him dear, for having resolved on devising "a method of
+calculation so simple that any servant girl who knew it could go to a
+shopkeeper's without incurring the least possible risk of being deceived
+by him in the sum she would have to pay, he entered the mosque with his
+thoughts occupied on the subject, and he there struck against a pillar,
+which his preoccupation hindered him from perceiving. The violence of
+the shock threw him on his back, and death was the result."
+
+Al-Khalil used to remark that a man's reason and intelligence reached
+perfection when he attained the age of forty, the age of the Prophet
+when God sent him forth on his mission; but that they undergo alteration
+and diminution when the man reaches sixty, the age in which God took the
+Prophet's soul to himself. He said, again, that the intelligence is
+clearest at the dawn of day.
+
+
+VI.--A GROUP OF POETS
+
+No matter what the profession or calling of these Persians--whether they
+were lawyers or lawgivers, grammarians or warriors--they all, or almost
+all, adored verbal felicity and tried their hands at verse. Poetry may
+be called the gold dust on their lives.
+
+Ibn Nubata the poet knew how to say thank you. Saif Ad-Dawlat Ibn Hamdan
+having given him a horse, this is how he acknowledged it: _O prince!
+thou whose generous qualities are the offspring of thy natural
+disposition, and whose pleasing aspect is the emblem of thy mind, I have
+received the present which thou sentest me, a noble steed whose portly
+neck seems to unite the heavens to the earth on which he treads. Hast
+thou then conferred a government upon me, since thou sendest me a spear
+to which a flowing mane serves as a banner? We take possession of what
+thou hast conferred and find it to be a horse whose forehead and legs
+are marked with white, and whose body is so black that a single hair
+extracted from that colour would suffice to form night's darkest shades.
+It would seem that the morning had struck him on the forehead and thus
+made it white, for which reason he took his revenge by wading into the
+entrails of the morning, and thus whitening his legs. He paces slowly,
+yet one of his names is Lightning; he wears a veil, having his face
+covered with white, as if to conceal it, and yet beauty itself would be
+his only rival. Had the sun and the moon a portion only of his ardour,
+it would be impossible to withstand their heat. The eye cannot follow
+his movements, unless you rein him in and restrain his impetuosity. The
+glances of the eye cannot seize all his perfections, unless the eye be
+led away captive by his beauty and be thus enabled to follow him._--I
+like the extravagance of that. So should the friend of man be extolled.
+
+Emirs did not disdain to be poets. Majd Ad-Din Al-Mubarak Ibn Munkid,
+although at once "The Sword of the Empire" and "The Glory of Religion,"
+wrote poetry, and not always on the most exalted themes. Among his
+poems, for example, is one on fleas, in which those insects, of which
+Emirs should know nothing, are thus described: _A race whom man is
+permitted to slay, and who profane the blood of the pilgrim, even in the
+sanctuary. When my hand sheds their blood, it is not their own, but
+mine, which is shed._ "It is thus," says Ibn Khallikan gravely, "that
+these two verses were recited and given as his, by Izz Ad-Din Abu
+'l-Kasim Abd Allah Ibn Abi Ali Al-Husain Ibn Abi Muhammad Abd Allah Ibn
+Al-Husain Ibn Rawaha Ibn Ibrahim Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Ibn Obaid Ibn
+Muhammad Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Al-Ansari, a native of Hamat."
+
+Ibn Khallikan's greed for poetry led him, as I have said, not only to
+quote most things that he could remember of each poet, but to cite also
+the poems of which those reminded him. Sometimes he quoted before he
+was sure of the author; but it made no difference. Thus, of Al-Farra the
+grammarian he says: "No verses have been handed down as his excepting
+the following, which were given by Abu-Hanifa Ad-Dinauri on the
+authority of Abu Bakr At-Tuwal: _Lord of a single acre of ground, you
+have nine chamberlains! You sit in an old ruin and have door-keepers who
+exclude visitors! Never did I hear of a door-keeper in a ruined
+dwelling! Never shall the eyes of men see me at a door of yours; a man
+like me is not made to support repulses from door-keepers._" Having got
+his quotation safely into print, Ibn Khallikan adds: "I since discovered
+that these verses are attributed to Ibn Musa 'l-Makfuf. God knows best!"
+It is a charming way of writing biography. The grass does not grow upon
+the weir more easily. With such a rectifying or excusatory phrase as
+"God knows best" one can hazard all. And how difficult it is to be the
+first to say anything!
+
+Here is a poem by an Emir's vizier, Al-Wazi Al-Maghribi: _I shall relate
+to you my adventure, and adventures are of various kinds. I one night
+changed my bed and was abandoned by repose; tell me then how I shall be
+on the first night which I pass in the grave?_
+
+Another vizier, Ibn Al-Amid, the katib, who lived in the eleventh
+century, wrote as follows: _Choose your friends among strangers, and
+take not your near relations into favour. Relations are like scorpions
+or even more noxious._ Asked which was the worse of his two recurring
+maladies, gout or colic, he replied: "When the gout attacks me I feel as
+if I were between the jaws of a lion devouring me, mouthful by mouthful;
+when the colic visits me, I would willingly exchange it for the gout."
+
+Poetry in those days ran in families. The family which had the greatest
+skill in the art was that of Hassan Ibn Abi Hafsa, for it produced six
+persons, in succession, all of them poets. These were: Said, his father
+Abd Ar-Rahman, his father Hassan, his father Thabit, his father
+Al-Mundir, and his father Hizam. Abd Ar-Rahman began very young. It is
+related that having been stung by a wasp, he went crying to his father,
+who asked what was the matter. He replied: "I have been stung by a
+flying thing, dressed, as it were, in a double cloak of striped cloth."
+
+"By Allah!" exclaimed the delighted father, recognizing a chip of the
+old block, "thou hast there pronounced a verse."
+
+The family of Abi Hafsa came next to that of Hassan in poetical gifts.
+The reason was, according to one statement, that they could "all touch
+the point of their nose with their tongue, and this denotes a talent for
+speaking with elegance and precision." "God knows," Ibn Khallikan adds,
+"how far that may be true!"
+
+It was Marwan Ibn Abi Hafsa, of this family, who made such a mistake (in
+a poet depending on the beneficence of the exalted) as to commit himself
+to the sweeping statement, in his elegy on the death of Maan, the Emir,
+that patronage had died with him. "It is said," Ibn Khallikan relates,
+"that Marwan, after composing this elegy, could never gain anything by
+his verses, for, as often as he celebrated the praises of a khalif or of
+any other person less elevated in rank, he to whom the poem was
+addressed would say to him: 'Did you not say, in your famous elegy:
+_Whither should we go, since Maan is dead? Presents have ceased and are
+not to be replaced?_' So the person he meant to praise would not give
+him anything nor even listen to his poem."
+
+But once--having the persistency of the needy--Abi Hafsa scored. The
+story goes that, entering into the presence of the khalif Al-Mahdi with
+a number of other poets, he recited to him a panegyric.
+
+"Who art thou?" said the khalif.
+
+"Thy humble poet, Marwan, the son of Abi Hafsa."
+
+"Art thou," said the khalif with great presence of mind, remembering the
+poet's useful indiscretion, "not he who said: _Whither should we go,
+since Maan is dead?_ and yet thou hast come to ask gifts from us!
+_Presents have ceased_; we have nothing for thee. Trail him out by the
+leg!"
+
+They trailed him out by the leg, but, twelve months later, Marwan once
+more contrived to gain admittance with the other poets, who, at that
+time, were allowed to enter into the khalif's presence once a year. He
+then stood before him and recited the kasada which begins thus: _A
+female visitor came to thee by night; salute her fleeting image._
+
+Al-Mahdi at first listened in silence, but as the poet proceeded, he
+became gradually more and more agitated, till at length "he rolled on
+the carpet with delight."
+
+He then asked how many verses were in the poem and, on being answered,
+"One hundred," he ordered the author a--present of one hundred thousand
+pieces of silver.
+
+The poet Ibn Ar-Rumi met his necessary end with composure. Al-Kasim Ibn
+Obaid Allah Ibn Sulaiman Ibn Wahb, the vizier of Al-Motadid, dreading to
+incur the satirical attacks of this writer and the outbursts of his
+malignant tongue, suborned a person called Ibn Firas, who gave him a
+poisoned biscuit whilst he was sitting in company with the vizier.
+
+When Ibn Ar-Rumi had eaten it, he perceived that he was poisoned, and he
+rose to withdraw; on which the vizier said to him: "Where are you
+going?"
+
+"To the place," replied Ibn Ar-Rumi, "where you sent me."
+
+"Well," observed the vizier, "you will present my respects to my
+father."
+
+"I am not taking the road to hell," retorted the poet.
+
+Another poet, Ibn Sara As-Shantarini, falling upon evil days, became a
+bookbinder. As such he wrote the following poem: _The trade of a
+bookbinder is the worst of all; its leaves and its fruits are nought but
+disappointment. I may compare him that follows it to a needle, which
+clothes others but is naked itself!_
+
+
+VII.--POETRY'S REWARDS
+
+The Patron was a very real factor in the poetical life of Baghdad.
+
+Here is a story told by the poet Abu Bakr Ibn Al-Allaf. "I had passed a
+night at the palace of Al-Motadid with a number of his other companions,
+when a eunuch came to us and said: 'The Commander of the Faithful sends
+to tell you that, after you withdrew, he did not feel inclined to sleep,
+and composed this verse: _When the vision of my mistress, fleeting
+through the shades of night, awoke me, behold! my chamber was deserted,
+and far off was the place of our meeting_. He says also,' continued the
+eunuch, 'that he cannot complete the piece, and will give a rich present
+to anyone who adds to it a second couplet to his satisfaction.'
+
+"Those who were present failed in accomplishing the task, although they
+were all poets of talent, on which I," says Abu Bakr, "hastened to
+pronounce the following verse: _On this I said to my eyes: 'Sleep again;
+perhaps the vision, in its night visits, may return to me!'_"
+
+The eunuch then retired, bearing Abu Bakr's not very remarkable effort
+with him, and having come back, said: "The Commander of the Faithful
+declares that your verse is perfect, and he has ordered you a present."
+
+Sometimes the passion for verse enjoyed and encouraged by these courtly
+gentleman seems to reach absurd lengths. Thus Abu Tammam At-Tai, the
+poet, once recited to the Emir Abu Dolad Al-Ijli the following lines:
+_At the sight of dwellings abandoned like these, and places of joyous
+meetings now deserted, our tears, long treasured up, were shed in
+torrents!_
+
+Abu Dolad so admired the piece that he gave the poet fifty thousand
+dirhems, saying: "By Allah! it is less than your poem is worth; and
+that idea is only surpassed in beauty by your elegy on the death of
+Muhammad Ibn Hamid At-Tusi."
+
+"Which," asked Abu Tammam, "does the Emir mean?"
+
+"Why," said Abu Dolad, "your poem commencing thus: _Now let misfortune
+do its worst, and time inflict its evils! There is no excuse for eyes
+which have not shed their tears._ I wish, by Allah! that this elegy had
+been composed by you on me."
+
+"Nay!" said the poet, "may I and my family die to save the Emir, and may
+I leave the world before you!"
+
+To this Abu Dolad replied: "He whose death is deplored in verses like
+those is immortal."
+
+Surely the palmy days of poetry have passed away. How one would like to
+think of Mr. Kipling, say, being summoned to Buckingham Palace to speak
+a piece and retiring with a cheque for L1025, which is what fifty
+thousand dirhems come to.
+
+Gratitude, even when it is excessive, is always a good theme. In the
+following case the proportions were respected with more fitness.
+Al-Wazir Al-Muhallabi was both vizier and poet. He was also a very poor
+vegetarian, and once, on a journey, being unable to obtain flesh-food,
+he recited extempore these verses: _Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it? for this life is devoid of good. Oh! let death, whose taste to me is
+sweet, come and free me from a detested life! When I see a tomb from
+afar, I wish to be its inhabitant. May the Being who granteth
+tranquillity have compassion on the soul of the generous man who will
+bestow death, as a charity, upon one of his brethren!_ These verses
+being heard by a person who was travelling in the same caravan with him,
+and whose name was Abd Allah As-Sufi (or, by another account, Abu
+'l-Hasan Al-Askalani), he bought for Al-Muhallabi a dirhem's worth of
+meat, cooked it, and gave it to him to eat.
+
+"They then," says Ibn, "separated, and Al-Muhallabi having experienced a
+change of fortune, became vizier to Moizz Ad-Dawlat at Baghdad, while
+the person who had travelled with him and purchased the meat for him was
+reduced to poverty. Having then learned that Al-Muhallabi was a vizier,
+he set out to find him and wrote to him these lines: _Repeat to the
+vizier, for whose life I would sacrifice my own--repeat to him the words
+of one who reminds him of what he has forgotten. Do you remember when,
+in a life of misery, you said: 'Where is death sold, that I may buy
+it?'_ The vizier on reading the note recollected the circumstance, and,
+moved with the joy of doing a generous action, he ordered seven hundred
+dirhems to be given to the writer, and inscribed these words on the
+paper: _The similitude of those who lay out their substance in the
+service of God is as a grain of corn which has produced seven ears and
+in every ear a hundred grains; for God giveth many-fold to whom He
+pleaseth._ He then prayed God's blessing on him, and clothed him in a
+robe of honour, and appointed him to a place under government, so
+that"--the corollary seems hardly worth adding--"he might live in easy
+circumstances."
+
+Poetry was, you see, worth practising in Baghdad in those days; nor had
+the poets any shame in accepting presents. What princes liked to give it
+was not for poets to analyse or refuse. Al-Moizz Ibn Badis, sovereign of
+Ifrikya and the son of Badis, was a patron indeed. "Poets," says Ibn
+Khallikan, "were loud in his praise, literary men courted his patronage,
+and all who hoped for gain made his court their halting-place."
+
+To the modern mind he was too easily pleased, if the following story is
+typical. He was sitting, one day, in his saloon with a number of
+literary men about him, when, noticing a lemon shaped like a hand and
+fingers, he asked them to extemporize some verses on that subject. Abd
+Abu Ali Al-Hasan Ibn Rashik Al-Kairawani at once recited the following
+lines: _A lemon, with its extremities spread out, appears before all
+eyes without being injured. It seems to hold out a hand towards the
+Creator, invoking long life to the son of Badis._
+
+Al-Moizz declared the verses excellent and showed more favour to the
+author than to any other literary man in the assembly.
+
+Ready wit not less than poetical ingenuity could always win the respect
+of these gentlemen, whose cynical cold-bloodedness and implacability
+were ever ready to be diverted, provided that the diversion was
+intellectual. For instance, it is related that Al-Hajjaj said to the
+brother of Katari: "I shall surely put thee to death."
+
+"Why so?" replied the other.
+
+"On account of thy brother's revolt," answered Al-Hajjaj.
+
+"But I have a letter from the Commander of the Faithful, ordering thee
+not to punish me for the fault of my brother."
+
+"Produce it."
+
+"I have something stronger than that."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"The book of Almighty God, wherein He says: 'And no burdened soul shall
+bear the burden of another.'"
+
+Al-Hajjaj was struck with his answer, and gave him his liberty.
+
+Among the lavish patrons of poets Saif Ad-Dawlat stands high. It is
+related that he was one day giving audience in the city of Aleppo, and
+poets were reciting verses in his praise, when an Arab of the desert, in
+squalid attire, stepped forward and repeated these lines: _My means are
+spent, but I have reached my journey's end. This is the glory of all
+other cities, and thou, Emir! art the ornament whereby the Arabs surpass
+the rest of men. Fortune, thy slave, has wronged us; and to thee we have
+recourse against thy slave's injustice._
+
+"By Allah!" exclaimed the prince, "thou hast done it admirably." He then
+ordered him a present of two hundred gold pieces.
+
+Abu 'l-Kasim Othman Ibn Muhammad, a native of Irak and kadi of Ain
+Zerba, relates as follows: "I was at an audience given by Saif Ad-Dawlat
+at Aleppo, when the kadi Abu Nasr Muhammad Ibn Muhammad An-Naisapuri
+went up to him, and having drawn an empty purse and a roll of paper out
+of his sleeve, he asked and obtained permission to recite a poem which
+was written on the paper. He then commenced his kasada, the first line
+of which was: _Thy wonted generosity is still the same; thy power is
+uncontrolled, and thy servant stands in need of one thousand pieces of
+silver._
+
+"When the poet had finished, Saif Ad-Dawlat burst into a fit of laughter
+and ordered him a thousand pieces of gold, which were immediately put
+into the purse he had brought with him."
+
+Here is a delightful account of the relations between a crafty poet and
+a patron who was not wholly a fool. Abu Dulaf was a spirited, noble, and
+generous chief, highly extolled for his liberality, courage, and
+enterprise, noted for his victories and his beneficence. Men
+distinguished in literature and the sciences derived instruction from
+his discourse, and his talent was conspicuous even in the art of vocal
+music. His praises were celebrated in kasadas of the greatest beauty.
+Bakr Ibn An-Nattah said of him: _O thou who pursuest the study of
+alchemy, the great alchemy consists in praising the son of Isa. Was
+there but one dirhem in the world, thou wouldst obtain it by this
+means._
+
+It is stated that, for these two verses, Abu Dulaf gave Ibn An-Nattah
+ten thousand dirhems. The poet then ceased visiting him for some time
+and employed the money in the purchase of a village or estate on the
+river Obolla. He afterwards went to see him, and addressed him in these
+words: _Thanks to thee, I have purchased an estate on the Obolla,
+crowned by a pavilion erected in marble. It has a sister beside it which
+is now on sale, and you have always money to bestow._
+
+"How much," said Abu Dulaf, "is the price of that sister?"
+
+The poet answered: "Ten thousand dirhems."
+
+Abu Dulaf gave him the money, and said: "Recollect that the Obolla is a
+large river, with many estates situated on it, and that each of these
+sisters has another at her side; so, if thou openest such a door as
+that, it will lead to a breach between us. Be content with what thou
+hast now got, and let this be a point agreed on."
+
+The poet then offered up prayers for his welfare and withdrew.
+
+
+VIII.--A BRAVE POET
+
+The end of the munificent and splendid Ibn Bakiya was tragic, and it
+leads to so fine and characteristic a story that I must tell it here:
+partly in Ibn Khallikan's words and partly in my own. During the war
+which was carried on between the two cousins Izz Ad-Dawlat and Adud
+Ad-Dawlat, the former seized on Ibn Bakiya and, having deprived him of
+sight, delivered him over to Adud Ad-Dawlat. That prince caused him to
+be paraded about with a hood over his head, and then ordered him to be
+cast to the elephants. Those animals killed him, and his body was
+exposed on a cross at the gate called Bab At-Tak, near his own house.
+
+On his crucifixion, an adl of Baghdad, called Abu 'l-Hasan Muhammad Ibn
+Omar Ibn Yakub Al-Anbari, deplored his fate in a beautiful poem, of
+which this is one line: _I never saw a tree, before this, enabled to
+sustain all that was generous._
+
+Abu 'l-Hasan, on composing his elegy, copied it out and threw it into
+one of the streets of Baghdad.
+
+It fell into the hands of the literati, who passed it one to another,
+till Adud Ad-Dawlat was at length informed of its existence. He caused
+it to be recited in his presence, and, struck with admiration at its
+beauty, he exclaimed: "O that I were the person crucified, not he! Let
+the poet be brought to me!"
+
+During a whole year strict search was made for the author, and the Sahib
+Ibn Abbad who was then at Rai, being informed of the circumstance, wrote
+out a letter of protection in favour of the poet. When Abu 'l-Hasan
+heard of this, he went to the court of the Sahib and was asked by him if
+it was he who had composed the verses. He replied in the affirmative, on
+which the Sahib expressed the desire to hear them from his own mouth.
+When Abu 'l-Hasan came to the verse, _I never saw a tree, before this,
+enabled to sustain all that was generous_, the Sahib rose up and
+embraced him, kissing him on the lips; he then sent him to Adud
+Ad-Dawlat.
+
+When he appeared before Adud Ad-Dawlat, that prince said to him: "What
+motive could have induced thee to compose an elegy on the death of my
+enemy?"
+
+Abu 'l-Hasan replied: "Former obligations and favours granted long
+since; my heart therefore overflowed with sorrow, and I lamented his
+fate."
+
+There were wax-lights burning, at the time, before the prince, and this
+led him to say to the poet: "Canst thou recollect any verses on
+wax-lights?" and to this the other replied by the following lines: _The
+wax-lights, showing their ends tipped with fire, seemed like the fingers
+of thy trembling foes, humbly stretched forth to implore thy mercy._
+
+On hearing these verses, Adud Ad-Dawlat clothed him in a pelisse of
+honour and bestowed on him a horse and a bag of money.
+
+
+IX.--A WESTERN INTERLUDE
+
+That beautiful phrase of the poet on his crucified hero--_I never saw a
+tree, before this, enabled to sustain all that was generous_--has an
+oddly close parallel, which I am tempted to record here: a phrase, not
+less beautiful, used by a modern Frenchman, also of a dead man and a
+tree. It occurs in a letter written by Francois Bonvin on the death of
+his brother, Leon, the painter of flowers. Leon Bonvin's work is little
+known and there is little of it, but those who possess examples treasure
+them like black pearls. Francois Bonvin, who is represented in the
+National Gallery, in the modern French and Dutch room, by a scene of
+cattle painted with great decision and confidence and breadth, and who
+died in 1888, was the son of a policeman at Vaugiraud, on the outskirts
+of Paris: an old soldier who divided his time between protecting the
+property of the market gardeners and constructing rockeries for poor
+people's windows. Another, and the youngest son, was Leon, who after a
+shy and lonely boyhood and youth, under the tyranny of his father, which
+was mitigated by rambles in the neighbouring forest of Meudon, gathering
+flowers and painting them under his brother's encouragement with a
+felicity and fidelity that have not been surpassed, fell, when still
+quite young, into the hands of a shrewish vulgar wife, and with her
+opened a tavern. No couple could be more ill-assorted than this gentle
+creature, full of poetry and feeling, whose one ambition was to set
+exquisitely on paper the blossoms which gave him pleasure, and the
+noisy, bustling, angry woman whom he had married.
+
+The union and the commercial venture were alike disastrous; unhappiness
+was accompanied by poverty, and after a short period of depression the
+unfortunate artist, early one morning, in his thirty-third year,
+wandered into the forest of Meudon, where the world had once spread so
+happily before his eyes, and hanged himself.
+
+All this happened in the middle years of the last century, when the same
+revival of nature-worship was inspiring painters in France as had, fifty
+years earlier, flushed Wordsworth's poetry, and such famous and more
+fortunate contemporaries of Leon Bonvin as Corot and Rousseau and Millet
+and Daubigny and Jacque and Dupre were painting in the forest of
+Fontainebleau. Theirs to succeed; poor Leon found life too hard, and was
+dead when still far from his prime.
+
+And what of the notable phrase? It is one that I know I shall never
+forget, one that will remain indissolubly linked to the name of Bonvin,
+whether it is Leon who inspired it or Francois who penned it and who had
+been so useful in providing his brother with the materials for his one
+absorbing pleasure and had always exhorted him to "do everything from
+nature." Writing to some one of influence in Paris, Francois told the
+story of his brother's death. In a postscript he added the information
+that the weight of Leon's body had broken a branch of the tree. Then
+came the words: "This is the only damage he ever did."
+
+Could there be a more beautiful epitaph or a more poignant commentary on
+a world askew?
+
+
+X.--PERSIAN HUMOUR
+
+Persian humour is a stealthier thing than English humour. We like to
+laugh; the sudden surprise pleases us. But these old ruminative
+observers of life, even if they rapped out a sarcasm now and then, were
+normally happiest when their fancy was playing quietly around an idea:
+fetching similes for it from every quarter and accumulating
+extravagances. Thus: "It is related by Abu 'l-Khattab Ibn Aun Al-Hariri,
+the poet and grammarian, that he went one day to visit An-Nami, and
+found him seated. His hair was white like the Thaghama when in flower,
+but one single black hair still remained.
+
+"'Sir!' said Ibn Aun, 'there is a black hair in your head.'
+
+"'Yes,' replied An-Nami, 'it is the sole remnant of my youth, and I am
+pleased with it; I have even written verses on it.'
+
+"Then, at the request of Ibn Aun, he recited these lines: _In that head
+a single hair still appeared, preserving its blackness; 'twas a sight
+which rejoiced the eyes of my friends. I said to my white hairs, which
+had put it in fear: 'I implore you! respect it as a stranger. A dark
+African spouse will not long remain in the house where the second wife
+is white of skin.'_"
+
+One of the worthiest representatives of the humorists of the book is Abu
+Dulama, a black Abyssinian, whose wits never failed him. Here is the
+poem which he recited when ordered by Ruh, the governor of Basra, to
+attack one of the enemy single-handed: _I fly to Ruh for refuge; let
+him not send me to a combat in which I shall bring disgrace upon the
+tribe of Asad. Your father Al-Muhallab left you as a legacy the love of
+death; but such a legacy as that I have inherited from none. And this I
+know well, that the act of drawing near to enemies produces a separation
+between souls and bodies._
+
+Ruh positively declared, however, that Abu Dulama should go forth and
+fight, enforcing the command with the pertinent question, "Why do you
+receive pay from the sultan?"
+
+"To fight for him," replied Abu.
+
+"Then," said Ruh, "why not go forth and attack that enemy of God?"
+
+"If I go forth to him, O Emir," replied the Abyssinian, "I shall be sent
+to join those who are dead and gone; and the condition I made with the
+sultan was, to fight for him, but not to die for him."
+
+Another wit, Osama Ibn Murshid, having had a tooth drawn, produced the
+following verses, either at the time, for the delectation of the
+dentist, or afterwards, when seated among his friends: _I had a
+companion of whom I was never tired, who suffered in my service, and
+laboured with assiduity; whilst we were together I never saw him; and
+when he appeared before my eyes, we had parted for ever._
+
+This is how Osama wrote when the house of a miser was burnt down: _See
+how the progress of time constrains us to acknowledge that there is a
+destiny. Ibn Talib never lit a fire in his house, through avarice, yet
+by fire it was destroyed._
+
+"One thing," says Ibn Khallikan, in the notice of this satirist, "brings
+on another." He then proceeds: "Abu 'l-Hasan Yahya Abd Al-Azim Al-Misri,
+surnamed Al-Jazzar, recited to me the following verses which he had
+composed on another literary man at Cairo, far advanced in age, who,
+being attacked by a cutaneous eruption, anointed himself with sulphur:
+_O, learned master, hearken to the demand of a friend devoid of sarcasm:
+thou art old, and of course art near to the fire of hell; why then
+anoint thyself with sulphur?_"
+
+As a further quite unnecessary proof of the antiquity of jests which we
+think new, I might append to this excellent sarcasm by a friend devoid
+of sarcasm the story, often now told, of the rival chemists in a
+provincial town, one of whom was old-fashioned and costly, and the other
+new and cheap. To the costly one, who had asked too much for sulphur, a
+customer remarked that if he went to the new shop opposite he could get
+it for fourpence; which brought from the old-fashioned chemist, weary of
+this competition, the admirable retort that if he went still farther, to
+a certain place, he would get it for nothing.
+
+East and West join hands again. When I was a boy living in a town by the
+sea, one of my heroes in real life--whom I never knew, but admired
+fearfully from a distance--was a famous stockbroker, whose splendid name
+I could give if I chose. One of his many mansions was here, and I used
+to see him often as he managed the finest pair of horses on the south
+coast, which he drove in a phaeton with red wheels, always smoking a
+cigar as he did so. Many were the stories told of his princely Victor
+Radnor-ish ways, one of which credited him with a private compartment on
+the train, into which his guests walked without a ticket--a magnificent
+idea!--and another stated that he bought his trousers a hundred pairs
+at a time. And then I open this book and read that Barjawan, an
+Ethiopian eunuch, after being stabbed to death by the prince's
+umbrella-bearer, was found to possess a thousand pairs of trousers.
+
+Not a little of the humorous effect of these Persian sayings comes from
+their dry frankness. For example: Ibn Omair, a trustworthy traditionist,
+when, once, he was ill, and a person sent his excuses for not going to
+visit him, answered: "I cannot reproach a person for not visiting me,
+whom I myself should not go to visit were he sick." Modern would-be wits
+might take the hint; for with candour so scarce, and self-criticism
+usually ending in a verdict of complete innocence, the blurted naked
+truth, not unaccompanied by a sidelong thrust at the speaker's own
+fallibility, would always produce the required laugh.
+
+
+XI.--THE SATIRISTS
+
+Al-Yazidi, a story of whom I quoted above, was a teacher of Koranic
+readings, a grammarian and a philologer, who taught in Baghdad in the
+ninth century. He was also a famous satirist; but satire seems to have
+been easier then than now. So at least I gather from the epigram which
+Al-Yazidi wrote upon Al-Asmai Al-Bahili: _You who pretend to draw your
+origin from Asma, tell me how you are connected with that noble race.
+Are you not a man whose genealogy, if verified, proves that you descend
+from Bahila?_ "This last verse," said Ibn Al-Munajjim, "is one of the
+most satirical which have been composed by the later poets."
+
+I need hardly say that Ibn Khallikan, with his eagle eye and fierce
+memory, does not let the originality of this pass unchallenged. The
+idea, he tells us, is borrowed from the verse in which Hammad Ajrad
+attacked Bashshar, the son of Burd. I like its directness. _You call
+yourself the son of Burd, though you are the son of another man. Or,
+grant that Burd married your mother, who was Burd?_
+
+In sarcasms Al-Yazidi was hard pressed by Abu Obaida, who was a very Mr.
+Brown (_vide_ Bret Harte) in being of "so sarcastic a humour that every
+one in Basra who had a reputation to maintain was obliged to flatter
+him." When dining once with Musa Ibn Ar-Rahman Al-Hilali, one of the
+pages spilled some gravy on the skirt of Abu Obaida's cloak.
+
+"Some gravy has fallen on your cloak," said Musa, "but I shall give you
+ten others in place of it."
+
+"Nay!" replied Abu Obaida, "do not mind! _Your_ gravy can do no harm."
+
+Another of Al-Yazidi's satirical efforts, which has no forerunner in Ibn
+Khallikan's recollection, is this, levelled at another mean
+acquaintance; meanness, indeed, being one of the unpardonable
+offences--especially in the eyes of poets who lived on patronage: _Be
+careful not to lose the friendship of Abu 'l-Mukatil when you approach
+to partake of his meal. Breaking his crumpet is for him as bad as
+breaking one of his limbs. His guests fast against their will, and
+without meaning to obtain the spiritual reward which is granted to
+fasting._
+
+Apropos of sarcasm, the Merwanide Omaiyide, who reigned in Spain,
+received from Nizar, the sovereign of Egypt, an insulting and satirical
+letter, to which he replied in these terms: "You satirize us because you
+have heard of us. Had we ever heard of you, we should make you a
+reply."
+
+None of the sarcastic wits are more pointed than the blind mawla Abu
+'l-Aina (806-96), whose tongue was venomously barbed, and who, like
+other blind men, often used his malady as a protection when his satire
+had been excessive. Viziers were his favourite butts. Being one day in
+the society of one of them, the conversation turned on the history of
+the Barmekides and their generosity, on which the vizier said to Abu
+'l-Aina, who had just made a high eulogium of that family for their
+liberality and bounty: "You have praised them and their qualities too
+much; all this is a mere fabrication of book-makers and a fable imagined
+by authors."
+
+Abu 'l-Aina immediately replied: "And why then do book-makers not relate
+such fables of you, O vizier?"
+
+Again, having gone one day to the door of Said Ibn Makhlad and asked
+permission to enter, Abu 'l-Aina was told that the vizier was engaged in
+prayer. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "there is a pleasure in novelty."
+
+"I am told," said a khalif to him, "that thou hast an evil tongue."
+
+"Commander of the Faithful!" replied Abu 'l-Aina, "the Almighty himself
+has spoken praise and satire," and he then quoted this poem: _If I
+praise not the honest man and revile not the sordid, the despicable, and
+the base, why should I have the power of saying, "That is good and this
+is bad"? And why should God have opened men's ears and my mouth?_
+
+Having one day a dispute with a descendant of the Prophet, his adversary
+said to Abu 'l-Aina: "You attack me, and yet you say in your prayers:
+'Almighty God! bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.'"
+
+"Yes," replied Abu 'l-Aina, "but I add--'who are virtuous and pure.'"
+
+Here is one of the stories which Abu 'l-Aina used to tell. "I was one
+day sitting with Abu 'l-Jahm, when a man came in and said to him: 'You
+made me a promise, and it depends on your kindness to fulfil it.'
+
+"Abu 'l-Jahm answered that he did not recollect it, and the other
+replied: 'If you do not recollect it, 'tis because the persons like me
+to whom you make promises are numerous; and if I remember it, 'tis
+because the persons like you to whom I may confidently address a
+request are few.'
+
+"'Well said! Blessings on your father!' exclaimed Abu 'l-Jahm, and the
+promise was immediately fulfilled."
+
+That blind men should be self-protective is of course, natural, and the
+East has always been rich in them. "The learned Muwaffak Ad-Din
+Muzaffar, the blind poet of Egypt, having gone to visit Al-Kadi As-Said
+Ibn Sana Al-Mulk, the latter said to him: 'Learned scholar! I have
+composed the first hemistich of a verse, but cannot finish it, although
+it has occupied my mind for some days.'
+
+"Muzaffar asked to hear what he had composed, and the other recited as
+follows: _The whiteness of my beard proceeds from the blackness of her
+ringlets--_
+
+"On hearing these words, Muzaffar replied that he had found their
+completion, and recited as follows:--_even as the flame with which I
+burn for her acquired its intensity from her pomegranate-flower [her
+rosy cheeks]_.
+
+"As-Said approved of the addition, and commenced another verse on the
+same model; but Muzaffar said to himself: 'I must rise and be off, or
+else he will make the entire piece at the expense of my wits.'"
+
+
+XII.--AN EARLY CHESS CHAMPION
+
+Much has been written of the origin of chess, and many countries contend
+for the honour of its inception. According to my encyclopaedia, China,
+India, Persia, and Egypt have each a claim, but it is probable that the
+game existed, in some form or other, before history. The theory is that
+the Arabs introduced it to Europe in the eighth century. Thus the
+cautious encyclopaedia; but Ibn Khallikan has no such hesitancy. From him
+we get names and dates. Ibn Khallikan gives the credit boldly to one
+Sissah, who, says he, "imagined the game for the amusement of King
+Shihram." Whether Sissah built it out of a clear sky, or had foundations
+on which to erect, is not stated. Anyway, the pastime was a complete
+success. "It is said that, when Sissah invented the game of chess and
+presented it to Shihram, the latter was struck with admiration and
+filled with joy; he ordered chess-boards to be placed in the temples,
+and considered that game as the best thing that could be learned,
+inasmuch as it served as an introduction to the art of war, as an honour
+to religion and the world, and as the foundation of all justice.
+
+"He manifested also his gratitude and satisfaction for the favour which
+Heaven had granted him in illustrating his reign by such an invention,
+and he said to Sissah, 'Ask me for whatever you desire.'
+
+"'I then demand,' replied Sissah, 'that a grain of wheat be placed in
+the first square of the chess-board, two in the second, and that the
+number of grains be progressively doubled till the last square is
+attained: whatever this quantity may be, I ask you to bestow it on me.'
+
+"The king, who meant to make him a present of something considerable,
+exclaimed that such a recompense would be too little, and reproached
+Sissah for asking for so inadequate a reward.
+
+"Sissah declared that he desired nothing but what he had mentioned, and,
+heedless of the king's remonstrances, he persisted in his demand.
+
+"The king, at length, consented, and ordered that quantity of wheat to
+be given him. When the chiefs of the government office received orders
+to that effect, they calculated the amount, and answered that they did
+not possess near so much wheat as was required.
+
+"These words were reported to the king, and he, being unable to credit
+them, ordered the chiefs to be brought before him. Having questioned
+them on the subject, they replied that all the wheat in the world would
+be insufficient to make up the quantity. He ordered them to prove what
+they said, and, by a series of multiplications and reckonings, they
+demonstrated to him that such was the fact.
+
+"On this, the king said to Sissah: 'Your ingenuity in imagining such a
+request is yet more admirable than your talent in inventing the game of
+chess.'"
+
+Ibn Khallikan was at pains to investigate the matter. Having, he says,
+"met one of the accountants employed at Alexandria, I received from him
+a demonstration which convinced me that the declaration was true. He
+placed before me a sheet of paper in which he had doubled the numbers up
+to the sixteenth square, and obtained thirty-two thousand seven hundred
+and sixty-eight grains. 'Now,' said he, 'let us consider this quantity
+to be the contents of a pint measure, and this I know by experiment to
+be true'--these are the accountant's words, so let him bear the
+responsibility--'then let the pint be doubled in the seventeenth square,
+and so on progressively. In the twentieth square it will become a waiba
+(peck), the waibas will then become an irdabb (bushel), and in the
+fortieth square we shall have one hundred and seventy-four thousand
+seven hundred and sixty-two irdabbs. Let us suppose this to be the
+contents of a corn store, and no corn store contains more than that;
+then in the fiftieth square we shall have the contents of one thousand
+and twenty-four stores; suppose these to be situated in one city--and no
+city can have more than that number of stores or even so many--we shall
+then find that the sixty-fourth and last square gives sixteen thousand
+three hundred and eighty-four cities. Now, you know that there is not in
+the world a greater number of cities than that, for geometry informs us
+that the circumference of the globe is eight thousand parasangs; so
+that, if the end of a cord were laid on any part of the earth, and the
+cord passed round it till both ends met, we should find the length of
+the cord to be twenty-four thousand miles, which is equal to eight
+thousand parasangs.' This demonstration is decisive and indubitable."
+
+Of Sissah I know no more, except that he was from India and that his
+game became popular. Up to the time of Ibn Khallikan, in the thirteenth
+century, its best player was one As-Suli, famous as an author and a
+convivialist, who died one hundred and twenty years before the Norman
+Conquest. "To play like As-Suli" was indeed a proverb. Among this
+proficient's friends was his pupil, the khalif Ar-Radi, who had the
+greatest admiration for As-Suli's genius. One day, for instance, walking
+with some boon companions through a garden filled with beautiful
+flowers, Ar-Radi asked them if they ever saw a finer sight. To this they
+replied, speaking as wise men speak to autocratic rulers, that nothing
+on earth could surpass it.
+
+The retort of the khalif must have given them the surprise of their
+lives. "You are wrong," said he: "As-Suli's manner of playing chess is
+yet a finer sight, and surpasses all you could describe!" So might we
+now refer to Hobbs on his day at the Oval, on a hard wicket, against
+fast bowling, with Surrey partisans standing four deep behind the seats,
+or to Stevenson nursing the balls from the middle pocket to the top
+left-hand pocket and then across to the right.
+
+One more anecdote of the Persian Steinitz, and I have done. I tell it
+because it rounds off this interlude with some symmetry by bringing us
+back to my own consultation of the encyclopaedia at the beginning of it.
+As-Suli had a famous library of books in which he had jotted down the
+fruits of his various reading. When asked a question on any subject,
+instead of answering it he would tell his boy to bring such and such a
+volume in which the matter at issue was treated. This trait led to an
+epigram being written upon him by a rival scholar, Abu Said, to the
+effect that "of all men As-Suli possessed most learning--in his
+library." There are still men learned on the same terms, but, nowadays,
+we do not have to collect the information for ourselves but go to _The
+Times_ and Messrs. Chambers for it.
+
+
+XIII.--COURTESY AND JUSTICE
+
+Harun Ar-Raschid passing near Manbij with Abd Al-Malik Ibn Salih, who
+was the most elegant speaker of all the surviving descendants of
+Al-Abbas, observed a well-built country-seat and a garden full of trees
+covered with fruit, and asked to whom that property belonged.
+
+Abd Al-Malik replied: "To you, Commander of the Faithful! and then to
+me."
+
+This Abd Al-Malik was so famous, as a story-teller that a wise man said
+of him: "When I reflect that Abd Al-Malik's tongue must sooner or later
+moulder into dust, the world loses its value in my sight."
+
+Abu 'l-Amaithal, the poet, was also a most efficient courtier. As he
+kissed one day the hand of Abd Allah Ibn Tahir, that prince complained
+of the roughness of the poet's moustachios, whereupon he immediately
+observed that the spines of the hedgehog could not hurt the wrist of the
+lion. Abd Allah was so pleased with this compliment that he ordered him
+a valuable present.
+
+Another graceful compliment. Of Ishak Ibn Ibrahim Al-Mausili, who was
+famous for his voice and was a "constant companion of the khalifs in
+their parties of pleasure," the khalif Al-Motasim charmingly said:
+"Ishak never yet sang without my feeling as if my possessions were
+increased."
+
+Another compliment that goes still deeper. Abu Nuwas, in a lament
+composed on the death of the khalif Al-Amin, said of him: _His death was
+the only thing I feared, and now nothing remains for me to dread._
+
+These, however, were but speeches. Compliments may be conveyed also by
+deeds, as we find in the case of Imam Al-Haramain, who was so learned
+and acceptable a teacher that, at the moment of his death, his scholars,
+who were four hundred and one in number, broke their pens and inkhorns;
+and they let a full year pass over before they resumed their studies. Of
+these Persians we can believe in the sincerity; but the motives of
+English scholars performing a similar act of renunciation might be open
+to suspicion.
+
+Badi Az-Zaman Az-Hamadani was famous for his epistolary style. Here is a
+passage which, though written in Persia in the tenth century, might have
+aptness in English country houses at this moment: _When water has long
+remained at rest, its noxious qualities appear; and when its surface has
+continued tranquil, its foulness gets into motion. Thus it is with a
+guest: his presence is displeasing when his stay has been protracted,
+and his shadow is oppressive when the time for which he should sojourn
+is at an end. Adieu._
+
+The khalif Ali Ibn Ali Talib was a very just man. Some one having
+committed a theft was brought before him. "Bring me witnesses," said
+Ali, "to prove that he purloined the object out of the saddle-bag."
+
+Unmistakable evidence to that effect being given, Ali immediately
+ordered the fingers of his hand to be cut off.
+
+On this some person said to him: "Commander of the Faithful! why not cut
+it off by the wrist?"
+
+"God forbid!" exclaimed the khalif; "how could he then lean on his
+staff? How could he pray? How could he eat?"
+
+In the Life of Ibn Abd Al-Barr, a Traditionist of Cordova, who, "it is
+stated, died in the year 380 (A.D. 990), but God knows best," a number
+of good stories are collected. This is one. "It is related that, when
+Adam was sent out of Paradise and down to earth by Almighty God, the
+angel Gabriel went to him and said: 'O Adam! God here sends you three
+qualities, so that you may select one of them for yourself and leave the
+two others.'
+
+"'What are they?' said Adam.
+
+"Gabriel replied: 'Modesty, Piety, and Intelligence.'
+
+"'I choose Intelligence,' said Adam.
+
+"The angel then told Modesty and Piety to return to Heaven, because Adam
+had made choice of Intelligence.
+
+"They answered: 'We will not return.'
+
+"'How!' said he. 'Do you mean to disobey me?'
+
+"They replied: 'We do not, but our orders were, never to quit
+Intelligence wherever she might be.'"
+
+Another story showing how destructively effective may be the use of
+fairness--politeness with the buttons off--is of an Arab who, on being
+insulted copiously by a stranger, remained silent. To the question why
+he did not reply, he said: "I know not the man's vices and am unwilling
+to reproach him with defects he may not have."
+
+Two other anecdotes are of the famous jester, Al-Jammaz. The first tells
+how at Basra a man perceiving the new moon, which indicated the
+beginning of the month of fasting, Ramadan, pointed it out eagerly to
+his companions. "When the moon which indicates the end of the fast was
+nearly due, Al-Jammaz knocked at the door of this too officious person
+and said: 'Come! get up and take us out of the scrape into which you
+brought us.'"
+
+Al-Jammaz was delighted with the following example of his readiness.
+"One rainy morning," he said, "I was asked by my wife what was best to
+be done on such a day as that, and I answered: 'Divorcing a troublesome
+wife.' This stopped her mouth."
+
+Al-Mubarrad used frequently to recite these lines at his assemblies: _O
+you who, in sumptuous array, strut about like princes and scorn the
+hatred of the poor, know that the saddle-cloth changeth not the nature
+of the ass, neither do splendid trappings change the nature of the pack
+horse._
+
+When Al-Mubarrad died a poet wrote of him: _Behold the mansion of
+literature half-demolished, and destruction awaiting the remainder._
+That was in 899.
+
+To excuse himself for a want of social ceremony, Ibn Abi 's-Sakr, "an
+amateur of the belles-lettres," who died in 1105, composed these verses:
+_An indisposition called eighty years hinders me from rising to receive
+my friends; but when they reach an advanced age, they will understand
+and accept my excuse._
+
+Old age occurs also in a poem of Al-Otbi, who died in 842: _When Sulaima
+saw me turn my eyes away--and I turn my glances away from all who
+resemble her--she said: "I saw thee mad with love"; and I replied:
+"Youth is a madness of which old age is the cure."_ This phrase, says
+Ibn Khallikan, afterwards became a proverb. Most nations have anecdotes
+in which the idea occurs.
+
+The following anecdote of the kadi Shuraih, who was famous not only for
+his "great skill in distinguishing right from wrong" but also for his
+humour, is very pleasing. Adi Ibn Arta, who was blind, went to the
+kadi's house one day, and the following dialogue ensued:
+
+"Where are you, kadi? May God direct you!"
+
+"I am between you and the wall."
+
+"Listen to me."
+
+"I can hear very well."
+
+"I am a native of Syria."
+
+"It is a distant land."
+
+"And I have married a wife from your country."
+
+"May you live happily and have many children!"
+
+"And I wanted to take her on a journey."
+
+"Each man has the best right over his own family."
+
+"But I engaged not to remove her from her native place."
+
+"Engagements are binding."
+
+"Judge then between us."
+
+"I have already done so."
+
+"And against whom have you given it?"
+
+"Against your mother's son."
+
+"On whose evidence?"
+
+"On the evidence of your maternal aunt's sister's son."
+
+I find a similar quality--not un-Johnsonian--in the reply of At-Tirmidi
+the juriconsult to a question, as reported by Abu 't-Taiyib Ahmad Ibn
+Othman As-Simsar. "I was," said he, "at Abu Jaafar At-Tirmidi's when a
+person consulted him about the saying of the Prophet, that God descended
+to the heaven of the world (i.e. the lowest of the seven heavens). This
+person expressed his desire to know how there could, in that case, be
+anything more exalted than the lowest heaven?
+
+"At-Tirmidi replied: 'The descent is intelligible; the manner how is
+unknown; the belief therein is obligatory; and the asking about it is a
+blameable innovation.'"
+
+The kadi Yahya Ibn Aktham, although famous for his licentiousness, was
+orthodox to the marrow. It was he who said: "The _Koran_ is the word of
+God, and whoever says that it has been created by man should be invited
+to abandon that opinion; and if he do not, his head should be struck
+off."
+
+The following dialogue between Yahya and a man is very characteristic of
+dry Persian sagacity. The man began it, thus: "May God preserve you! How
+much should I eat?"
+
+Yahya replied: "Enough to get over hunger and not enough to attain
+satiety."
+
+"How long may I laugh?"
+
+"Till your face brightens, but without raising your voice."
+
+"How long should I weep?"
+
+"Weeping should never fatigue you, if it be through fear of God."
+
+"What actions of mine should I conceal?"
+
+"As many as you can."
+
+"What are the actions which I should do openly?"
+
+"Those which may serve as examples to good and virtuous men, whilst they
+secure you from public reprobation."
+
+On this the man exclaimed: "May God preserve us from words which abide
+when deeds have passed away!" It is possible that there were reserves of
+meaning in this final speech, for Yahya's surname Aktham signifies
+either "a corpulent man" or "sated with food."
+
+I have not borrowed much from Ibn Khallikan's heroics, but this is good.
+Al-Moizz having conquered Egypt, he entered Old Cairo. His pretensions
+to be a descendant of Ali had already been contested, and on his
+approach the people of the city went forth to meet him, accompanied by a
+band of sharifs, and Ibn Tabataba, who was one of the number, asked him
+from whom he drew his descent.
+
+To this question Al-Moizz replied: "We shall hold a sitting to which all
+of you shall be convened, and there we shall expose to you the entire
+chain of our genealogy."
+
+Being at length established in the castle of Cairo, he gave a public
+audience, as he had promised, and having taken his seat, he asked if any
+of their chiefs were still alive?
+
+"No," replied they, "not one of any consequence survives."
+
+He then drew his sword half-way out of the scabbard and exclaimed: "This
+is my genealogy! And here," said he, scattering a great quantity of gold
+among them, "are proofs of my nobility!"
+
+On this they all acknowledged him for their lord and master.
+
+
+XIV.--THE ASCETICS
+
+Of Bishr Ibn Al-Harith Al-Hafi, one of Baghdad's holiest ascetics, it is
+told that his choice of the life of saintliness thus came about.
+Happening to find on the road a leaf of paper with the name of God
+written on it, which had been trampled underfoot, he bought ghalia with
+some dirhems which he had about him, and, having perfumed the leaf with
+it, deposited it in a hole in a wall.
+
+Afterwards he had a dream, in which a voice seemed to say to him: "O
+Bishr! thou hast perfumed my name, and I shall surely cause thine to be
+a sweet odour both in this world and the next."
+
+When he awoke, he gave up the world, and turned to God.
+
+Bishr being once asked with what sauce he ate his bread, replied: "I
+think on good health, and I take that as my sauce."
+
+One of his prayers was this: "O, my God! deprive me of notoriety, if
+thou hast given it to me in this world for the purpose of putting me to
+shame in the next."
+
+It was a true saying of another famous ascetic, Al-Fudail, that, when
+God loves a man, He increases his afflictions, and when He hates a man,
+He increases his worldly prosperity.
+
+Asceticism, however, had not robbed him of human sympathy or warped his
+nature, for he said at another time: "For a man to be polite to his
+company and make himself agreeable to them is better than to pass nights
+in prayer and days in fasting."
+
+Abu Ali Ar-Razi said: "I kept company with Al-Fudail during thirty
+years, and I never saw him laugh or smile but on one occasion, and that
+was the death of his son. On my asking him the reason, he replied:
+'Whatever is pleasing to God is pleasing to me.'"
+
+Maruf Al-Karkhi, another celebrated saint, who died in Baghdad in 805,
+had a sensible elasticity. Passing, one day, by a water-carrier who was
+crying out: "God have mercy on him who drinketh!" he went up to him and
+took a drink, although he was at that time keeping a strict fast.
+
+Some one, horrified at the impiety, said to him: "Art thou not keeping a
+fast?"
+
+He replied: "Yes, I am, but I hoped for the fulfilment of that man's
+prayer."
+
+One of the sayings of Abd Al-Ala, a man of holy life, was this: "Buying
+what one does not require, is selling what one requires."
+
+Another pious man, Abu Othman Al-Mazini the grammarian, used to tell the
+following story against himself: "There was a person who, for a long
+time, studied under me the grammar of Sibawaih, and who said to me, when
+he got to the end of the book, 'May God requite you well! As for me, I
+have not understood a letter of it.'"
+
+Yahya, a celebrated preacher, on being asked by a descendant of the
+Prophet, "Tell me, Master! and may God assist you! what is your opinion
+of us who are the people of the house,"--that is to say, the members of
+Muhammad's family,--replied: "It is that which I would say of clay
+kneaded with the water of divine revelation and sprinkled with the water
+of the heavenly mission: can it give out any other odour than the musk
+of true direction and the ambergris of piety?"
+
+The Alide was so highly pleased with this answer that he filled Yahya's
+mouth with pearls.
+
+Yahya, who died on March 30, 872, had a very graceful turn for
+apophthegms. "True friendship," said he, "cannot be augmented by
+kindness nor diminished by unkindness." And again, he said: "To him who
+is going to see a true friend the way never appears long; he who goes
+to visit his beloved never feels lonely on the road."
+
+The exaltation of friendship is indeed one of the beautiful things about
+this book. And the reader can never have too much of it. Buri Taj
+Al-Muluk was, says Ibn Khallikan, merely a man of talent, but the
+following verse by him contains a perfectly splendid compliment: _My
+friend approached from the west, riding on a grey horse, and I
+exclaimed: "Glory to the Almighty! the sun has risen in the west!"_
+
+At-Tihami, the poet, one of whose poems, an elegy on the death of his
+son, brings ill-luck when quoted, wrote these admirable lines on the
+same theme: _In the company of noble-minded men there is always room for
+another. Friendship, it is true, renders difficulties easy: a house may
+be too small for eight persons, yet friendship will make it hold a
+ninth._
+
+
+XV.--A NIGHT SCENE
+
+The capriciousness of the moods of these sombre and terrible Eastern
+autocrats--the strange sentimental chinks in their armour--are seen in
+the very characteristic story which follows. "Secret information having
+been given to Al-Mutawakkil that the imam, Abu 'l-Hasan Al-Askari, had a
+quantity of arms, books, and other objects for the use of his followers
+concealed in his house, and being induced by malicious reports to
+believe that he aspired to the empire, he sent one night some soldiers
+of the Turkish guard to break in on him when he least expected such a
+visit.
+
+"They found him quite alone and locked up in his room, clothed in a
+hair-shirt, his head covered with a woollen cloak, and turned with his
+face in the direction of Mecca, chanting, in this attitude, some verses
+of the _Koran_ expressive of God's promises and threats, and having no
+other carpet between him and the earth than sand and gravel.
+
+"He was carried off in that attire and brought, in the depth of the
+night, before Al-Mutawakkil, who was then engaged in drinking wine. On
+seeing him, the khalif received him with respect, and being informed
+that nothing had been found in his house to justify the suspicions cast
+upon him, he seated him by his side and offered him the goblet which he
+held in his hand.
+
+"'Commander of the Faithful!' said Abu 'l-Hasan, 'a liquor such as that
+was never yet combined with my flesh and blood; dispense me therefore
+from taking it.'
+
+"The khalif acceded to his request, and then asked him to repeat some
+verses which might amuse him.
+
+"Abu 'l-Hasan replied that he knew by heart very little poetry; but
+Al-Mutawakkil having insisted, he recited these lines (which anticipate
+Poe's "Conqueror Worm" very thoroughly): _'They passed the night on the
+summits of the mountains, protected by valiant warriors; but their place
+of refuge availed them not. After all their pomp and power, they had to
+descend from their lofty fortresses to the custody of the tomb. O what a
+dreadful change! Their graves had already received them when a voice was
+heard exclaiming: "Where are the thrones, the crowns, and the robes of
+slate? Where are now the faces once so delicate, which were shaded by
+veils and protected by the curtains of the audience-hall?" To this
+demand, the tomb gave answer sufficient: "The worms," it said, "are now
+revelling upon those faces; long had these men been eating and drinking,
+but now they are eaten in their turn."'_
+
+"Every person present was filled with apprehension for Abu 'l-Hasan
+Ali's safety; they feared that Al-Mutawakkil, in the first burst of
+indignation, would have vented his wrath upon him; but they perceived
+the khalif weeping bitterly, the tears trickling down his beard, and all
+the assembly wept with him.
+
+"Al-Mutawakkil then ordered the wine to be removed, after which he said:
+'Tell me, Abu 'l-Hasan! are you in debt?'
+
+"'Yes,' replied the other, 'I owe four thousand dinars.'
+
+"The khalif ordered that sum to be given him, and sent him home with
+marks of the highest respect."
+
+
+XVI.--THE FAIR
+
+The book contains the lives of very few women; but one of the privileged
+of her sex is Buran, who died in 884. She became the wife of the khalif
+Al-Mamun, who, says Ibn Khallikan rather ungallantly, was "induced to
+marry her by the high esteem he bore her father." That her father, the
+vizier, saw no slight in this, but was not unwilling that his daughter
+should pass under the roof of another, we may perhaps gather from the
+lavishness of the wedding, which was celebrated at Fam As-Silh, with
+festivities and rejoicings, the like of which were never witnessed for
+ages before. The vizier's liberality went so far that he showered balls
+of musk upon the Hashimites, the commanders of the troops, the katibs,
+and the persons who held an eminent rank at court. Musk is an expensive
+thing in itself, but each of these balls contained a ticket, and the
+person into whose hands it fell, having opened it and read its contents,
+proceeded to an agent specially appointed for the purpose, from whom he
+received the object inscribed on the ticket, whether it was a farm or
+other property, a horse, a slave-girl, or a mameluk. The vizier then
+scattered gold and silver coins and eggs of amber among the rest of the
+people.
+
+Capricious generosity marked many of these rulers. Thus it is told of
+Ibn Bakiya, the vizier, that in the space of twenty days he distributed
+twenty thousand robes of honour. "I saw him one night at a drinking
+party," says Abu Ishak As-Sabi, "and, during the festivity, he changed
+frequently his outer dress according to custom: every time he put on a
+new pelisse, he bestowed it on one or other of the persons present; so
+that he gave away, in that sitting, upwards of two hundred pelisses.
+
+"A female musician then said to him: 'Lord of viziers! there must be
+wasps in these robes to prevent you from keeping them on your body!'
+
+"He laughed at this conceit, and ordered her a present of a casket of
+jewels."
+
+Another of the ladies whom Ibn Khallikan so seldom leaves his high road
+to notice is As-Saiyida Sukaina, who, however, could not well be
+excluded, since she was "the first among the women of her time [she died
+A.D. 735] by birth, beauty, wit, and virtue." Part of her fame rests
+upon her repartees to poets: a most desirable form of activity. Thus,
+Orwa had a brother called Abu Bakr, whose death he lamented in some
+extravagant verses of which these are the concluding lines: _My sorrow
+is for Bakr, my brother! Bakr has departed from me! What life can now be
+pleasing after the loss of Bakr?_
+
+When Sukaina heard these verses, she asked who was Bakr? And on being
+informed, she exclaimed: "What! that little blackamoor who used to run
+past us? Why, everything is pleasing after the loss of Bakr, even the
+common necessaries of life--bread and oil!"
+
+Another female intruder. It is told of Ibn As-Sammak, a pious sage and
+"professional relater of anecdotes," that having held a discourse one
+day in the hearing of his slave-girl, he asked her what she thought of
+it. She replied that it would have been good but for the repetitions.
+
+"But," said he, "I employ repetitions in order to make those understand
+who do not."
+
+"Yes," she replied, "and to make those understand who do not, you weary
+those who do."
+
+One of the sayings of Ibn As-Sammak was: "Fear God as if you had never
+obeyed Him, and hope in Him as if you had never disobeyed Him."
+
+
+XVII.--THE GREAT JAAFAR
+
+The father of the great Jaafar was Yahya the Barmekide, the friend and
+vizier of Harun Ar-Raschid. From this family Ibn Khallikan claimed
+descent. Yahya was "highly distinguished for wisdom, nobleness of mind,
+and elegance of language." One of his sayings was this: "Three things
+indicate the degree of intelligence possessed by him who does them: the
+bestowing of gifts, the drawing up of letters, and the acting as
+ambassador."
+
+Another: "Spend when Fortune turns toward you, for her bounty cannot
+then be exhausted; spend when she turns away, for she will not remain
+with you."
+
+He said also, very comfortingly: "The sincere intention of doing a good
+action and a legitimate excuse for not doing it are equivalent to its
+accomplishment."
+
+He died in 805, after long imprisonment by the illustrious khalif whose
+pleasure it had been to address him always as "My father."
+
+Such was Jaafar's parent. One of the greatest men in the whole work is
+Jaafar himself, called Jaafar the Barmekide, also vizier to Harun
+Ar-Raschid. Of his somewhat sardonic shrewdness this is a good example.
+Having learned that Ar-Raschid was much depressed in consequence of a
+Jewish astrologer having predicted to him that he would die within a
+year, he interviewed the Jew, who had been detained as a prisoner by the
+khalif's orders.
+
+Jaafar addressed him in these terms: "You pretend that the khalif is to
+die in the space of so many days?"
+
+"Yes," said the Jew.
+
+"And how long are you yourself to live?" said Jaafar.
+
+"So many years," replied the other, mentioning a great number.
+
+Jaafar then said to the khalif: "Put him to death, and you will be thus
+assured that he is equally mistaken respecting the length of your life
+and that of his own."
+
+This advice was followed by the khalif, who then thanked Jaafar for
+having dispelled his sadness.
+
+At the other extreme--though akin in sardonic humour--is this incident.
+It is related that one day, at Jaafar's, a beetle flew towards Abu Obaid
+the Thakefite, and that Jaafar ordered it to be driven away, when Abu
+Obaid said: "Let it alone; it may perhaps bring me good luck; such is at
+least the vulgar opinion."
+
+Jaafar on this ordered one thousand dinars to be given him, saying: "The
+vulgar opinion is confirmed."
+
+The beetle was then set at liberty, but it flew towards Abu Obaid a
+second time, and Jaafar ordered him another present of the same amount.
+
+Such was the affection the khalif felt for Jaafar that he caused a robe
+with two collars to be made which they could wear at the same time.
+
+Fickle, however, are princes, and Jaafar's end came in the usual way,
+through treachery. He was killed, by the khalif's orders, by Yasir.
+Yasir having put Jaafar to death, carried in his head and placed it
+before the khalif.
+
+The khalif looked at the head for some time, and then ordered Yasir to
+bring in two persons whom he named. When they came, he said to them:
+"Strike off Yasir's head, for I cannot bear the sight of Jaafar's
+murderer."
+
+
+XVIII.--LOVE AND LOVERS
+
+As I have said, these four great volumes are a mine from which many
+different metals may be extracted. My own researches having tended
+rather to a certain ironic quality, I have passed many lovers by; but
+let me make an exception or so. There is, for example, Kuthaiyr. In the
+account of this celebrated Arabian amorist, we come upon a very pretty
+story. Being once in the presence of Abd Al-Malik, this prince said to
+Kuthaiyr: "I conjure thee by the rights of Ali Abi Ibn Talib to inform
+me if thou ever sawest a truer lover than thyself."
+
+To this Kuthaiyr replied: "Commander of the Faithful! conjure me by your
+own rights, and I shall answer you."
+
+"Well," said the prince, "I conjure thee by my own rights; wilt thou not
+tell it to me now?"
+
+"Certainly," said Kuthaiyr; "I will. As I was travelling in a certain
+desert, I beheld a man who had just pitched his toils to catch game, and
+I said to him: 'Why art thou sitting here?' And he replied: 'I and my
+people are dying with hunger, and I have pitched these toils that I may
+catch something which may sustain our lives till to morrow.' 'Tell me,'
+said I, 'if I remain with thee and thou takest any game, wilt thou give
+me a share?' He answered that he would; and whilst we were waiting,
+behold, a gazelle got into the net. We both rushed forward; but he
+outran me, and having disentangled the animal, he let it go. 'What,'
+said I, 'could have induced thee to do so?' He replied: 'On seeing her
+so like my beloved Laila in the eyes, I was touched with pity.'"
+
+Little men who are disposed to envy the big on account of fair ladies
+may take comfort from Kuthaiyr, for although so ardent and successful,
+he was absurdly small: so short indeed that, when he went to visit Abd
+Al-Aziz Ibn Marwan, that prince used to banter him and say: "Stoop your
+head, lest you hurt it against the ceiling."
+
+He was called Rabb Ad-Dubab (the king of the flies) for the same reason.
+One of his contemporaries said: "I saw him making the circuits round the
+Kaaba; and if anyone tell you that his stature exceeded three spans,
+that person is a liar."
+
+Abu Omar Az-Zahid Al-Mutarriz, although he "ranked among the most
+eminent and the most learned of the philologers," and was famous for his
+"mortified life," could write love poems too. Here is one: _Overcome
+with grief, we stopped at As-Sarat one evening, to exchange adieus; and,
+despite of envious foes, we stood unsealing the packets of every
+passionate desire. On saying farewell, she saw me borne down by the
+pains of love, and consented to grant me a kiss; but, impelled by
+startled modesty, she drew her veil across her face. On this I said:
+"The full moon has now become a crescent." I then kissed her through the
+veil, and she observed: "My kisses are wine: to be tasted, they must be
+passed through the strainer."_ (It seems, however, from Ibn Khallikan's
+anxious dubiety on the matter, that this poem, after all, may have been
+written, like the Iliad, by another poet of the same name. God only
+knows.)
+
+Another Anacreontic, this time by Ibn Zuhr: _Whilst the fair ones lay
+reclining, their cheek pillowed on the arm, a hostile inroad of the dawn
+took us by surprise. I had passed the night in filling up their cups and
+drinking what they had left; till inebriation overcame me, and my lot
+was theirs also. The wine well knows how to avenge a wrong; I turned the
+goblet up, and that liquor turned me down._
+
+The poetry of love comprises, alas! also the poetry of despair. Here is
+an example by Ibn As-Sarraj, the grammarian: _I compared her beauty with
+her conduct, and found that her charms did not counterbalance her
+perfidy. She swore to me never to be false, but 'twas as if she had
+sworn never to be true. By Allah! I shall never speak to her again,
+even though she resembled in beauty the full moon, or the sun, or
+Al-Muktafi!_
+
+The inclusion of the khalif Al-Muktafi seems to have been an
+afterthought, added when the poet first saw him. Struck by his
+comeliness, he recited the poem to some companions and inserted his name
+at the end. The sequel is amusing and very characteristic. "Some time
+after, the katib Abu Abd Allah Muhammad Ibn Ismail Ibn Zenji repeated
+the verses to Abu 'l-Abbas Ibn Al-Furat, saying that they were composed
+by Ibn Al-Motazz, and Abu 'l-Abbas communicated them to the vizier
+Al-Kasim Ibn Obaid Allah. The latter then went to the khalif and recited
+the verses to him, adding that they were by Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah
+Ibn Tahir, to whom Al-Muktafi immediately ordered a present of one
+thousand dinars.
+
+"'How very strange,' said Ibi Zenji, 'that Ibn As-Sarraj should compose
+verses which were to procure a donation to Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah Ibn
+Tahir!'"
+
+Abu Bakr Ibn Aiyash, the Traditionist and scholar, discovered a remedy
+for lovers which is too simple, I fear, to commend itself to less
+philosophic Occidentals affected by the pains of longing. "I was
+suffering," he says, "from an anxious desire of meeting one whom I
+loved, when I called to mind the verse of Zu 'r-Rumma's: _Perhaps a flow
+of tears will give me ease from pain; perhaps it may cure a heart whose
+sole companion is sad thoughts._ On this I withdrew to a private place
+and wept, by which means my sufferings were calmed."
+
+
+XIX.--TO DISARM CRITICS
+
+And so we come to an end. And how can an author do better than to quote
+Ibn Khallikan's own concluding words, which, though written so long ago
+about a biographical dictionary, may be borrowed by all literary hands
+as palliation for whatever shortcomings their work may have?--"If any
+well-informed person remark, in examining this book, that it contains
+faults, he should not hasten to blame me, for I always aimed at being
+exact, as far as I could judge; and, besides, God has allowed no book to
+be faultless except His noble _Koran_."
+
+
+
+
+=DIVERSIONS=
+
+
+
+
+DIVERSIONS
+
+
+
+
+Nurses
+
+
+The conversation turning, as, round English fires, it often does, on the
+peculiarities of an old nurse of the family, I was struck again by the
+tenderness and kindness, shot through with humour, that are always
+evoked by this particular retrospective mood. I would even say that
+people are at their best when they are remembering their nurses. To
+recall one's parents is often to touch chords that vibrate too
+disturbingly; but these foster parents, chosen usually with such strange
+carelessness but developing often into true guardian angels, with good
+influences persisting through life--when, in reminiscent vein, we set
+them up, one against the other, can call from the speakers qualities
+that they normally may conspicuously lack. Quite dull people can become
+interesting and whimsical as their thoughts wander back through the
+years to the day when old Martha or old Jane, or whoever it was, moulded
+them and scolded them and broke the laws of grammar. Quite hard people
+can then melt a little. Quite stern people can smile.
+
+And quite funny people can become intensely funny, as I have melancholy
+reason to know, for, listening to these new anecdotes, I recalled the
+last occasion on which the fruitful theme of a Nanna's oddities had been
+developed; when the speaker was that fascinating athlete and gentleman,
+E. B., a gallant officer with a gift of mimicry as notable as his sense
+of fun and his depth of feeling, who, chiefly for the amusement of two
+children, but equally--or even more--to the delight of us older ones,
+not only gave us certain of his old nurse's favourite sayings, in her
+own voice, but reconstructed her features as he did so. All good mimicry
+astonishes and entertains me, and this was especially good, for it
+triumphed over the disabilities of a captain's uniform. Something very
+curious and pretty, and, through all our laughter, affecting, in the
+spectacle of this tall, commanding soldier painting with little loving
+comic touches the portrait of the old Malapropian lady with her heart of
+gold. That was a few short months ago, and to-day E. B. lies in a French
+grave.
+
+Malapropisms and old nurses are, of course, inseparable. Indeed, they
+formed again the basis of our talk the other evening, each of us having
+a new example to give, all drawn from memories of childhood. Wonderful
+how these quaint phrases stick--due, I suppose, to the fact that the
+child does not hear too much to confuse it, and when in this tenacious
+stage notices the sharp differences between the conversation of the
+literate, as encountered in the dining-room and drawing-room, and the
+much more amusing illiteracy below stairs. It will be a bad day for
+England when education is so prevalent that nursemaids have it too. Much
+less interesting will the backward look then become.
+
+How far forward we have moved in general social decency one realizes
+after listening to such conversations as I have hinted at, where respect
+and affection dominate, and then turning to some of the children's books
+of a century ago--the kind of book in which the parents are always
+right and made in God's image, and the children full of faults. In one
+of these I found recently a story of a little girl who, being rude and
+wilful with her maid, was rebuked by her kind and wise mamma in some
+such phrase as, "Although it has pleased the Almighty to set you and
+Sarah in such different positions, you have no right to be unjust to
+her."
+
+Reflecting upon how great a change has come upon the relation of
+employers and employed, and how much greater a change is in store, it
+seems to me that one of the good human kinds of book that does not at
+present exist, and ought to be made, would bring together between two
+covers some of the best servants in history, public and private, and
+possibly in literature too. Nurses first, because the nurse is so much
+more important a factor in family life, and because, to my mind, she has
+never had honour enough. I doubt if enough honour could be paid to her,
+but the attempt has not been sufficiently made. And to-day, of course,
+the very word as I am using it has only a secondary meaning. By "nurse"
+to-day we mean first a cool, smiling woman, with a white cap and
+possibly a red cross, ministering to the wounded and the sick. We have
+to think twice in order to evoke the guardian angel of our childhood,
+the mother's right hand, and often so much more real than the mother
+herself. I would lay special emphasis on the nurse who, beginning as a
+young retainer, develops into a friend and to the end of her days moves
+on parallel lines with the family, even if she is not still of it. These
+old nurses, the nurses of whom the older we grow the more tenderly and
+gratefully we think--will no one give them a book of praise? I should
+love to read it. And there should not be any lack of material--with
+Stevenson's Alison Cunningham by no means last on the list.
+
+But if on examination the material proved too scanty, then the other
+devoted servants might come in too, such as Sir Walter Scott's Tom
+Purdie, who should have a proud place, and that wonderful gardener of
+the great Dumas, whose devotion extended to confederacy.
+
+Without Dumas' gardener, indeed, no book in honour of the fidelity of
+man to man could be complete. For just think of it! The only approach to
+the house of the divine Alexandre being by way of a wooden bridge, this
+immortal tender of flowers and vegetables so arranged the planks that
+any undesired caller bearing a writ or long-overdue account would fall,
+all naturally and probably through his own confused carelessness, into
+the river; and, on being pulled out and restored to happy life, would
+not only abandon the horrid purpose of his visit, but, gratitude
+prompting, be generous enough to go at least part of the way towards
+paying the gardener's wages, which otherwise that resourceful benefactor
+might never obtain.
+
+On a place in the volume for this exemplary character, I insist. But, as
+I say, nurses first.
+
+
+
+
+No. 344260
+
+
+Coming, the other day, after every kind of struggle, at last into
+possession of one of the new pound notes, I was interested in placing it
+quickly under the microscope, so to speak, in order that, in case I
+never saw another, I should be able to describe it to my grandchildren.
+How indigent I have been may be gathered from the circumstance that this
+note, being numbered 344260, had three hundred and forty-four thousand
+two hundred and fifty-nine predecessors which had eluded me.
+
+As a work of art it is remarkable--almost, indeed, a gallery in itself,
+comprising as it does portraiture, design, topography, and the
+delineation of one of the most spirited episodes in religious history.
+After the magic words "One Pound," it is, of course, to St. George and
+the Dragon that the eye first turns. What Mr. Ruskin would say of the
+latest version of the encounter between England's tutelary genius and
+his fearsome foe, one can only guess; but I feel sure that he would be
+caustic about the Saint's grip on his spear. To get its head right
+through the dragon's chest--taking, as it has done, the longest possible
+route--and out so far on the other side, would require more vigour and
+tension than is suggested by the casual way in which the thumb rests on
+the handle. Dragons' necks and bosoms are, I take it, not only scaly
+without but of a sinewy consistency within that is by no means easy to
+penetrate, and in this particular case the difficulty must have been
+increased by the creature's struggles, which, the artist admits, bent
+the spear very noticeably. None the less, the Saint's hold is most
+delicate, and his features are marked by the utmost placidity.
+
+As a matter of fact, the Saint is not sufficiently armed on our L1
+notes; for in real life, and particularly when he rode out on the Libyan
+plain to do battle with the dragon, he had a sword as well as a spear.
+But he could not have had both if he were dressed as the Treasury artist
+dresses him, unless he carried the sword between his teeth; which he is
+not doing. There is no better authority than _The Golden Legend_, and
+_The Golden Legend_ (in the translation of Master William Caxton)
+testifieth thus: "Then as they [St. George and the King's daughter, whom
+the dragon desired,] spake together, the dragon appeared and came
+running to them, and St. George was upon his horse, and drew out his
+sword and garnished him with the sign of the cross, and rode hardily
+against the dragon which came towards him, and smote him with his spear
+[spear, now, take notice], and hurt him sore and threw him to the
+ground." The absence of the sword is one error that never ought to have
+gained currency. Another is the grievousness of the wound which is
+depicted; for in real life the wound was so slight, although sufficient,
+that the King's daughter--but let Master Caxton continue, for he writeth
+better than I ever shall. Having conquered the foe, St. George,
+according to _The Golden Legend_, "said to the maid: 'Deliver to me your
+girdle, and bind it about the neck of the dragon, and be not afeard.'
+When she had done so, the dragon followed her as it had been a meek
+beast and debonair." It was later, and not until St. George had
+baptized the King and all his people (which was his reward), that he
+smote off the dragon's head.
+
+To my mind _The Golden Legend_ is too gentle with this contest. I like a
+real fight, and here one is almost as much defrauded as in the story of
+David and Goliath. In treating the victory over the dragon with equal
+lightness, perhaps the Treasury artist, even though he has not followed
+the authority closely enough in other ways, is justified; but he should
+have read the text more carefully, for no one can pretend that a dragon
+so drastically perforated as this one could follow a princess into the
+city. Indeed, it is such a _coup de grace_ as no self-respecting and
+determined dragon, furnished with wings, inflammable breath, and all the
+usual fittings, would have submitted itself to. Because, given wings,
+neither of which is broken, how would it have allowed itself to come
+into that posture at all?
+
+Saints, however, must be saints; and their adversaries know this.
+
+It was only, as I have said, with incredible difficulties that I could
+get this pound note to study; imagine, then, what pains and subterfuges
+were, in 1917, necessary in order to obtain the loan of a sovereign with
+which to compare the golden rendering of the same conflict. Eventually,
+however, I was successful, and one of the precious discs passed
+temporarily into my keeping. It lies beside No. 344260 on the table as I
+write. In this treatment--Mr. Ruskin's strictures upon which are
+familiar--one is first struck by the absurdity of the Saint's weapon: a
+short dagger with which he could never do any damage at all, unless
+either he fell off his horse or the dragon obligingly rose up to meet
+the blow. Fortunately, however, the horse has powerful hoofs, and one of
+these is inflicting infinite mischief. Other noticeable peculiarities of
+the sovereign's rendering are the smallness of the horse's head and the
+length of St. George's leg. The total effect, in spite of blemishes, is
+more spirited than that of No. 344260, but both would equally fill a
+Renaissance Florentine medallist with gloom.
+
+So much for the St. Georges and the Dragons of Treasury artists. But
+when it comes to No. 344260's portrait of Mr. John Bradbury, Secretary
+to the Treasury, over his facsimile autograph, in green ink, I have no
+fault to find. This is a strong profile treatment, not a little like the
+King, and I am glad to have seen it. One likes to think of regal
+features and tonsorial habits setting a fashion. Mr. John Bradbury does
+well and loyally to resemble as closely as he can his royal master.
+
+Having reached this point, I turned No. 344260 over and examined the
+back, which represents the Houses of Parliament as seen from Lambeth.
+There are three peculiarities about this picture. One is that all the
+emphasis is laid--where of late we have not been in the habit of looking
+for it--on the House of Lords; another is that Parliament is not
+sitting, for the Victoria Tower is without its flag; and the third is
+that Broad Sanctuary has been completely eliminated, so that the Abbey
+and the Victoria Tower form one building. No doubt to the fortunate
+persons through whose hands one pound notes pass, such awful symbolism
+conveys a sense of England's greatness and power; but I think it would
+be far more amusing if the back had been left blank, in case some later
+Robbie Burns (could this decadent world ever know so fine a thing
+again) wished to write another lament on it:
+
+    For lack o' thee I've lost my lass,
+    For lack o' thee I scrimp my glass.
+
+Or, if not blank, thirty (say) spaces might be ruled on it, in which the
+names of its first thirty owners could be written. By the time the
+spaces were filled it would be a document historically valuable now and
+then to autograph collectors. It would also be dirty enough to call in.
+
+
+
+
+The Two Perkinses
+
+
+Walking in the garden in the cool of the July evening, I was struck
+afresh by the beauty of that climbing rose we call Dorothy Perkins, and
+by her absolute inability to make a mistake. There are in this garden
+several of these ramblers, all heritages from an earlier tenant and all
+very skilfully placed: one over an arch, one around a window, and three
+or four clambering up fir posts on which the stumps of boughs remain;
+and in every case the rose is flowering more freely than ever before,
+and has arranged its blossoms, leaves, and branches with an exquisite
+and impeccable taste. Always lovely, Dorothy Perkins is never so lovely
+as in the evening, just after the sun has gone, when the green takes on
+a new sobriety against which her gay and tender pink is gayer and more
+tender. "Pretty little Dolly Perkins!" I said to myself involuntarily,
+and instantly, by the law of association--which, I sometimes fondly
+suppose, is more powerful with me than with many people--I began to
+think of another evening, twenty and more years ago, when for the first
+time I heard the most dainty of English comic songs sung as it should
+be, with the first words of the chorus accentuated like hammer blows in
+unison:
+
+    For--she--was--as--
+
+and then tripping merrily into the rest of it:
+
+    --beautiful as a butterfly,
+      As fair as a queen,
+    Was pretty little Polly Perkins
+      Of Paddington Green.
+
+It is given to most of us--not always without a certain wistful
+regret--to recall the circumstances under which we first heard our
+favourite songs; and on the evening when I met "Pretty Polly Perkins" I
+was on a tramp steamer in the Mediterranean, when at last the heat had
+gone and work was over and we were free to be melodious. My own position
+on this boat was nominally purser, at a shilling a month, but in reality
+passenger, or super-cargo, spending most of the day either in reading
+or sleeping. The second engineer, a huge Sussex man, whose favourite
+theme of conversation with me was the cricket of his county, was, it
+seemed, famous for this song; and that evening, as we sat on a skylight,
+he was suddenly withdrawn from a eulogy of the odd ways and deadly
+left-handers of poor one-eyed "Jumper" Juniper (whom I had known
+personally, when I was a small school-boy, in a reverential way) to give
+the company "Pretty Polly Perkins." In vain to say that he was busy,
+talking to me; that he was dry; that he had no voice. "Pretty Polly
+Perkins" had to be sung, and he struck up without more ado:
+
+    I'm a broken-hearted milkman,
+      In woe I'm arrayed,
+    Through keeping the company of
+      A young servant maid--
+
+and so forth. And then came the chorus, which has this advantage over
+all other choruses ever written, that the most tuneless singer on earth
+(such as myself) and the most shamefaced (I am autobiographical again)
+can help to swell, at any rate, the notable opening of it, and thus
+ensure the success of the rest.
+
+That evening, as I say, was more than twenty years ago, and I had
+thought in the interval little enough of the song until the other pretty
+Perkins suggested it; but I need hardly say that the next day came a
+further reminder of it (since that is one of the queer rules of life) in
+the shape of a Chicago weekly paper with the information that America
+knows "Pretty Polly Perkins" too.
+
+The ballads of a nation for the most part respect their nationality, but
+now and then there is free trade in them. It has been so with "Pretty
+Polly Perkins"; for it seems that, recognizing its excellence, an
+American singer prepared, in 1864, a version to suit his own country,
+choosing, as it happens, not New York or Washington as the background of
+the milkman's love drama, but the home of Transatlantic culture itself,
+Boston. Paddington Green would, of course, mean nothing to American
+ears, but Boston is happy in the possession of a Pemberton Square, which
+may, for all I know, be as important to the Hub of the Universe as
+Merrion Square is to Dublin, and Polly was, therefore, made comfortable
+there, and, as Pretty Polly Perkins of Pemberton Square, became as
+famous as, in our effete hemisphere, Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington
+Green. The adaptor deserves great credit for altering as little as
+possible. Beyond Polly's abode, and the necessary rhymes to mate with
+Square, he did nothing, so that the song, while transplanted to America,
+remained racy of the English capital. It was still the broken-hearted
+milkman who sang it, and the _denouement_, which is so very
+English--and, more than English, Cockney--was unaltered:
+
+    In six months she married,
+      That hard-hearted girl;
+    It was not a squire,
+      And it was not a nearl.
+    It was not a baronet,
+      But a shade or two wuss--
+    'Twas the wulgar old driver
+      Of a twopenny 'bus.
+
+But the story of Polly is nothing. The merit of the song is its air, the
+novelty and ingenuity of its chorus, and the praises of Polly which the
+chorus embodies. The celebration of charming women is never out of date.
+Some are sung about in the Mediterranean, some in Boston, and some all
+the world over; others give their names to roses.
+
+So far had I written--and published--in a weekly paper, leaving open a
+loophole or two for kind and well-instructed readers to come to my aid;
+and as usual (for I am very fortunate in these matters) they did so.
+Before I was a month older I knew all. I knew that the author, composer,
+and singer of "Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington Green" were one and
+the same: the famous Harry Clifton; and that Polly married "not the
+wulgar old driver" of a twopenny 'bus, as was my mistaken belief, but
+quite the reverse--that is to say, the "bandy-legged conductor" of the
+same vehicle. A gentleman in Ireland was even so obliging as to send me
+another ballad by Harry Clifton, on the front of which is his portrait
+and on the back a list of his triumphs--and they make very startling
+reading, at any rate to me, who have never been versatile. The number of
+songs alone is appalling: no fewer than thirty to which he had also put
+the music and over fifty to which the music was composed by others, but
+which with acceptance he sang. Judging by the titles and the first
+lines, which in the advertisement are always given, these songs of the
+sixties were very much better things than most of the songs of our
+enlightened day. They seem to have had character, a humorous
+sententiousness, and a genial view of life. And judging by his portrait
+on the cover, Harry Clifton was a kindly, honest type of man, to whom
+such accessories of the modern comic singer's success as the
+well-advertised membership of a night club, or choice of an expensive
+restaurant, were a superfluity.
+
+Having read these letters and the list of songs, I called on a friend
+who was at that moment lying on a bed of sickness, from which, alas! he
+never rose--the late George Bull, the drollest raconteur in London and
+one of the best of men, who, so far as I am concerned, carried away with
+him an irreplaceable portion of the good humour of life; and I found
+that the name of Harry Clifton touched more than one chord. He had heard
+Harry Clifton sing. As a child, music-halls were barred to him, but
+Harry Clifton, it seems, was so humane and well-grounded--his
+fundamentals, as Dr. Johnson would say, were so sound--that he sang also
+at Assembly Rooms, and there my friend was taken, in his tender years,
+by his father, to hear him. There he heard the good fellow, who was
+conspicuously jolly and most cordially Irish, sing several of his great
+hits, and in particular "A Motto for Every Man," "Paddle Your Own
+Canoe," and "Lannigan's Ball" (set to a most admirable jig tune which
+has become a classic), one phrase from which was adopted into the Irish
+vernacular as a saying: "Just in time for Lannigan's ball." Clifton
+might indeed be called the Tom Moore of his day, with as large a public,
+although not quite so illigant a one. For where Moore warbled to the
+ladies, Clifton sang to the people. Such a ballad as that extolling the
+mare of Pat of Mullingar must have gone straight to the hearts of the
+countrymen of Mr. Flurry Knox:
+
+    They may talk of Flying Childers,
+      And the speed of Harkaway,
+    Till the fancy it bewilders
+      As you list to what they say.
+    But for rale blood and beauty,
+      You may travel near and far--
+    The fastest mare you'll find belongs
+      To Pat of Mullingar.
+
+An old lady in Dublin who remembers Clifton singing this song tells me
+that the chorus, "So we'll trot along O," was so descriptive, both in
+words and music, that one had from it all the sensations of a "joult."
+
+Harry Clifton seems to have had three distinct lines--the comic song, of
+which "Pretty Polly Perkins" may be considered the best example; the
+Irish song; and the Motto song, inculcating a sweet reasonableness and
+content amid life's many trials and tribulations. Although, no doubt,
+such optimism was somewhat facile, it cannot be denied that a little
+dose of silver-lining advice, artfully concealed in the jam of a good
+tune and a humorous twist of words, does no harm and may have a
+beneficial effect. The chorus of "A Motto for Every Man," for example,
+runs thus:
+
+    We cannot all fight in this battle of life,
+      The weak must go to the wall.
+    So do to each other the thing that is right,
+      For there's room in this world for us all.
+
+An easy sentiment; but sufficient people in the sixties were attracted
+by it to flock to hear Harry Clifton all over England and Ireland, and
+it is probable that most came away with momentarily expanded bosoms, and
+a few were stimulated to follow its precepts.
+
+Looking down this remarkable list of titles and first lines--which may
+be only a small portion of Harry Clifton's output--I am struck by his
+cleanliness and sanity. His record was one of which he might well be
+proud, and I think that old Fletcher of Saltoun, who had views on the
+makers of a nation's ballads, would probably have clapped him on the
+back.
+
+Another thing. If many of the tunes to these songs are as good as that
+to "Polly Perkins," Harry Clifton's golden treasury should be worth
+mining. The songs of yesterday, when revived, strike one as being very
+antiquated, and the songs of the day before yesterday also rarely bear
+the test; but what of the songs of the sixties? Might their melodies not
+strike freshly and alluringly on the ear to-day? Another, and to-day a
+better known, Harry--Harry Lauder--whose tunes are always good, has
+confided to an interviewer that he finds them for the most part in old
+traditional collections, and gives them new life. He is wise. John
+Stuart Mill's fear that the combinations of the notes of the piano might
+be used up was probably fantastic, but the arrival of the luckless day
+would at any rate be delayed if we revived tunes that were old enough
+for that process; and why should not the works of Harry Clifton be
+examined for the purpose? But perhaps they have been....
+
+And then we come back to the marvel, to me, of the man's variousness. I
+can plead guilty to having written the words of a dozen songs or so in
+as many years, but to put two notes of music together is beyond me, and
+to sing anything in tune would be an impossibility, even if I had the
+assurance to stand up in public for that purpose. Yet Harry Clifton,
+who, in the picture on the cover of the song which the gentleman in
+Ireland sent me, does not look at all like some brazen lion comiques,
+not only could sing acceptably but write good words and good music. I
+hope he grew prosperous, although there is some evidence that his native
+geniality was also a stumbling-block. Your jolly good fellows so often
+are the victims of their jolly goodness. Nor had the palmy days of comic
+singing then begun. There were then no L300 a week bribes to lure a
+comic singer into _revue_; but the performers, I guess, were none the
+worse for receiving a wage more in accordance with true proportion. I
+say true proportion, because I shall never feel it right that
+music-hall comedians should receive a bigger salary than a Prime
+Minister; at least, not until they sing better songs and take a finer
+view of life in their "patter" than most of them now do.
+
+
+
+
+Arts of Invasion
+
+
+All people living in the country are liable to be asked if they do not
+know of "some nice little place that would just suit us." "For
+week-ends, chiefly"--the inquirer usually adds. "A kind of
+_pied-a-terre_, you know"--the inquirer always adds.
+
+Cautious, self-protective people answer no. Foolish, gregarious people
+actually try to help.
+
+Addressing that large and growing class, the _pied-a-terre_ hunters, not
+as a potential neighbour, but as a mere counsellor and very platonic
+friend, I would say that I have recently discovered two ways of
+acquiring country places, both of which, although no doubt neither is
+infallible, have from time to time succeeded.
+
+It was at the end of a fruitless day on the same quest that I hit upon
+the first. After tramping many miles in vain, I was fortunate in getting
+a fly at the village inn to drive me to the nearest station. I don't
+say I had seen nothing I liked, but nothing that was empty. As a matter
+of fact, I had seen one very charming place, but every window had a
+curtain in it and the chimneys were sending up their confounded smoke.
+In other words, it was, to use one of the most offensive words in the
+language, occupied. Hence I was in a bad temper. None the less, when a
+little man in black suddenly appeared before me and begged to be allowed
+to share my cab (and its fare), I agreed. He began to talk at once, and
+having disposed of the weather and other topics on which one can be
+strictly and politely neutral, he said that his business took him a good
+deal into unfamiliar places.
+
+Being aware that he wished it, I asked him what his business was.
+
+"I'm an unsettler," he said.
+
+"An unsettler?"
+
+"Yes. It's not a profession that we talk much about, because the very
+essence of it is secrecy, but it's genuine enough, and there are not a
+few of us. Of course, we do other things as well, such as insurance
+agency, but unsettling pays best."
+
+"Tell me about it," I said.
+
+"Well," he explained, "it's like this. Say you are thinking of moving
+and you want another house. You can't find an empty one that you like,
+of course. No one can. But you differ from other persons in being
+unwilling to make a compromise. You will either wait till you find one
+that you do like, or you will go without. Meanwhile you see plenty of
+occupied houses that you like, just as every one else does. But you
+differ from other persons in being unwilling to believe that you can't
+have what you want. Do you follow me?"
+
+Naturally I followed him minutely, because he was describing my own
+case.
+
+"Very well, then," he continued. "This makes the unsettler's
+opportunity. You return to the agent and tell him that the only house
+you liked is (say) a white one at East Windles.
+
+"'It was not one on your list,' you say; 'in fact, it was occupied. It
+is the house on the left, in its own grounds, just as you enter the
+village. There is a good lawn, and a wonderful clipped yew hedge.'
+
+"'Oh yes,' says the agent, 'I know it: it used to be the Rectory.'
+
+"'Who lives there?' you ask.
+
+"'An old lady named Burgess,' says the agent--'Miss Burgess.'
+
+"'Would she leave?' you ask.
+
+"'I should very much doubt it,' says the agent, 'but I could, of course,
+sound her.'
+
+"'I'll give you twenty-five pounds,' you say, 'if you can induce her to
+quit.' And off you go.
+
+"It is then that the unsettler comes in. The agent sends for me and
+tells me the story; and I get to work. The old lady has got to be
+dislodged. Now what is it that old ladies most dislike? I ask myself. It
+depends, of course; but on general principles a scare about the water is
+safe, and a rumour of ghosts is safe. The water-scare upsets the
+mistress, the ghost-scare upsets the maids; and when one can't get
+maids, the country becomes a bore. As it is, she had the greatest
+difficulty in keeping them, because there's no cinema near.
+
+"Very well, then. Having decided on my line of action, I begin to spread
+reports--very cautiously, of course, but with careful calculation, and
+naturally never appearing myself; and gradually, bit by bit, Miss
+Burgess takes a dislike to the place. Not always, of course. Some
+tenants are most unreasonable. But sooner or later most of them fall to
+the bait, and you get the house. That's my profession."
+
+"Well," I said, "I think it's a blackguard one."
+
+"Oh, sir!" he replied. "Live and let live."
+
+"It's funny, all the same," I added, "that I should have run across you,
+because I've been looking for a house for some time, and the only one I
+liked was occupied."
+
+He pulled out a pocket-book. "Yes?" he said, moistening his pencil.
+
+But that is enough of him.
+
+So much for my first way, which, as I happen to know, has succeeded, at
+any rate once. Now for the other, which is less material. In fact, some
+people might call it supernatural.
+
+I was telling a lady about my friend the unsettler and his methods; but
+she did not seem to be in the least impressed.
+
+"All very well," she said; "but there's a more efficient and more
+respectable way than that. And," she added, with a significant glance at
+her husband and not without triumph, "I happen to know."
+
+She sat at the dinner-table in the old farm-house--"modernized," as the
+agents have it, "yet redolent of old-world charm." By modernized they
+mean that the rightful occupiers--the simple agriculturists--had gone
+for ever, and well-to-do artistic Londoners had made certain changes to
+fit it for a week-end retreat. In other words, it had become a
+_pied-a-terre_. Where the country folk for whom all these and smaller
+cottages were built now live, who shall say? Probably in mean streets;
+anyway, not here. The exterior remains often the same, but inside,
+instead of the plain furniture of the peasantry, one finds wicker
+arm-chairs and sofa-chairs, all the right books and weekly papers, and
+cigarettes.
+
+This particular farm-house was charming. An ingle-nook, Heal furniture,
+old-pattern cretonnes and chintzes, an etching or two, a Japanese print
+or two, a reproduction of a John, the poems of Mr. Masefield and Rupert
+Brooke, a French novel, the _New Statesman_, and where once had been a
+gun-rack a Della Robbia Madonna.
+
+"It's delightful," I said; adding, as one always does: "How _did_ you
+get to hear of it?"
+
+"Hearing of it wasn't difficult," she said, "because we'd known about it
+for years. The trouble was to get it."
+
+"It wasn't empty, then?" I replied.
+
+"No. There was a Mr. Broom here. We asked him if he wanted to go, and he
+said No. We made him an offer, and he refused. He was most
+unreasonable." (It was the same word that the unsettler had used.)
+
+I agreed: "Most."
+
+"So there was nothing for it but to will his departure."
+
+"Will?"
+
+"Yes. Concentrate our thoughts on his giving notice, and invite our
+friends to do the same. I wrote scores of letters all round, impressing
+this necessity, this absolute, sacred duty, on them. I asked them to
+make a special effort on the night of March 18th, at eleven o'clock,
+when we should all be free. It sounds rather dreadful, but I always hold
+that the people who want a house most are best fitted to have it. One
+can't be too nice in such matters."
+
+"Well?" I asked.
+
+"Well, you'll hardly believe it--and I shan't be a bit vexed if you
+don't--but on the morning of the 20th of March I had a letter from Mr.
+Broom saying that he had decided to leave, and we could have the first
+call on his house. It was too wonderful. I don't mind confessing that I
+felt a little ashamed. I felt it had been too easy."
+
+"It is certainly a dangerous power," I said.
+
+"Well," she continued, "I hurried round to see him before he could
+change his mind. 'Do you really want to leave?' I asked him. 'Yes,' he
+said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Well,' he said, 'I can't tell you why. I don't
+know. All I know is that all of a sudden I have got tired and feel
+vaguely that I want a change. I am quite sure I am making a mistake and
+I'll never find so good a place; but there it is: I'm going.' I assure
+you I felt for a moment inclined to back out altogether and advise him
+to stay on. I was even half disposed to tell him the truth; but I pulled
+myself together. And--well, here we are!"
+
+"It's amazing," I said. "You must either have very strong-minded
+friends, or the stars have played very oddly into your hands, or both."
+
+"Yes," she said; "but there's a little difficulty. One has to be so
+careful in this life."
+
+"One has," I fervently agreed. "But what is it?"
+
+"Some of my friends," she explained, "didn't quite play the game.
+Instead of willing, as I explicitly indicated, that our Mr. Broom should
+leave the Manor Farm, they willed merely that Mr. Broom should leave his
+house, and the result is that all kinds of Mr. Brooms all over the
+country have been giving notice. I heard of another only this morning.
+In fact, our Mr. Broom's brother was one of them. It's a very perilous
+as well as a useful gift, you see. But we've got the farm, and that's
+the main thing."
+
+She smiled the smile of a conqueror.
+
+"But," remarked another of the guests, who had told us that she was
+looking for a _pied-a-terre_, "there's a catch somewhere, isn't there?
+Don't you see any weak point?"
+
+Our hostess smiled less confidently. "How?" she asked uneasily.
+
+"Well," the guest continued, "suppose.... It couldn't, I mean, be in
+better hands. For the moment. But suppose some one else wanted it? Take
+care. Willing is a game that two can play at."
+
+"You don't mean----?" our hostess faltered.
+
+"I do, most certainly," the guest replied. "Directly I go away from here
+I shall make a list of my most really obstinate, pushful friends to help
+me."
+
+"But that would be most unfair," said our hostess.
+
+"No one is fair when hunting the _pied-a-terre_," I reminded her.
+
+
+
+
+The Marble Arch and Peter Magnus
+
+
+Finding myself (not often in London on the day that comes so mercifully
+between the Saturday and Monday) beside the enisled Marble Arch, I spent
+half an hour in listening to the astonishing oratory that was going on
+there. Although I had not done this for many, many years, there was so
+little change in the proceedings that I gained a new impression of
+perpetual motion. The same--or to all intents and purposes the
+same--leather lungs were still at it, either arraigning the Deity or
+commending His blessed benefactions. As invariably of old, a Hindu was
+present; but whether he was the Hindu of the Middle Ages or a new Hindu,
+I cannot say. One proselytizing Hindu is strangely like another. His
+matter was familiar also. The only novelty that I noticed was a little
+band of American evangelists (America being so little in need of
+spiritual assistance that these have settled in London) in the attire
+more or less of the constabulary of New York, the spokesman among whom,
+at the moment I joined his audience, was getting into rather deep water
+in an effort to fit the kind of halo acceptable to modern evangelicals
+on the head of Martin Luther.
+
+As I passed from group to group, with each step a certain inevitable
+question grew more insistent upon a reply; and so, coming to one of
+London's founts of wisdom and knowledge, I put it to him. "I suppose," I
+said, indicating the various speakers with a semicircular gesture, "they
+don't do all this for nothing?" The policeman closed one eye. "Not
+they," he answered; "they've all got sympathizers somewhere."
+
+Well, live and let live is a good maxim, thought I, and there surely
+never was such a wonderful world as this, and so I came away; and it was
+then that something occurred which (for everything so far has been sheer
+prologue) led to these remarks. I was passing the crowd about one of the
+gentlemen--the more brazenly confident one--who deny the existence of a
+beneficent Creator, when the words, "Looking like a dying duck in a
+thunderstorm," clanged out, followed by a roar of delighted laughter;
+and in a flash I remembered precisely where I was when, forty and more
+years ago, I first heard from a nursemaid that ancient simile and was so
+struck by its humour that I added it to my childish repertory. And from
+this recollection I passed on to ponder upon the melancholy truth that
+originality will ever be an unpopular quality. For here were two or
+three hundred people absolutely and hilariously satisfied with such a
+battered and moth-eaten phrase, even to-day, and perfectly content that
+the orator should have so little respect either for himself or for them
+that he saw no disgrace in thus evading his duty and inventing something
+new.
+
+But was that his duty? That was my next thought; and a speech by that
+eternally veracious type whom Mr. Pickwick met at Ipswich, and who, for
+all his brief passage across the stage of literature, is more real than
+many a prominent hero of many chapters, came to mind to answer it. I
+refer to Mr. Peter Magnus, who, when Mr. Pickwick described Sam Weller
+as not only his servant and almost friend, but an "original," replied in
+these deathless words: "I am not fond of anything original; I don't like
+it; don't see any necessity for it." And that's just it. The tribe of
+Magnus is very large; it doesn't like originality, and doesn't see any
+necessity for it--which, translated into the modern idiom, would run
+"has no use for it." Hence the freethinker was right, and the longer he
+continues to repose his faith in ancient comic _cliches_ the greater
+will be his success.
+
+And then I thought for the millionth time what an awful mistake it is to
+be fastidious. Truly wise people--and by wisdom I mean an aggregation of
+those qualities and acceptances and compromises that make for a fairly
+unruffled progress through this difficult life--truly wise people are
+not fastidious. They are easily pleased, they are not critical, and--and
+this is very important--they allow of no exceptions among human beings.
+Originals bore them as much as they did Mr. Magnus. One of the astutest
+men that I know has achieved a large measure of his prosperity and
+general contentment by behaving always as though all men were alike.
+Because, although of course they are not alike, the differences are too
+trifling to matter. He flatters each with the same assiduity and
+grossness, with the result that they all become his useful allies. Those
+that do not swallow the mixture, and resent it, he merely accuses of
+insincerity or false modesty; yet they are his allies too, because,
+although they cannot accept his methods, being a little uncertain as to
+whether his intentions may not have been genuinely kind, or his judgment
+honestly at fault, they give him the benefit of the doubt.
+
+
+
+
+The Oldest Joke
+
+
+Many investigators have speculated as to the character of the first
+joke; and as speculation must our efforts remain. But I personally have
+no doubt whatever as to the subject-matter of that distant pleasantry:
+it was the face of the other person involved. I don't say that Adam was
+caustic about Eve's face or Eve about Adam's: that is improbable. Nor
+does matrimonial invective even now ordinarily take this form. But after
+a while, after cousins had come into the world, the facial jest began;
+and by the time of Noah and his sons the riot was in full swing. In
+every rough and tumble among the children of Ham, Shem, and Japhet, I
+feel certain that crude and candid personalities fell to the lot, at any
+rate, of the little Shems.
+
+So was it then; so is it still to-day. No jests are so rich as those
+that bear upon the unloveliness of features not our own. The tiniest
+street urchins in dispute always--sooner or later--devote their retorts
+to the distressing physiognomy of the foe. Not only are they conforming
+to the ancient convention, but they show sagacity too, for to sum up an
+opponent as "Face," "Facey," or "Funny Face," is to spike his gun. There
+is no reply but the cowardly _tu quoque_. He cannot say, "My face is not
+comic, it is handsome"; because that does not touch the root of the
+matter. The root of the matter is your opinion of his face as
+deplorable.
+
+Not only is the recognition of what is odd in an opponent's countenance
+of this priceless value in ordinary quarrels among the young and the
+ill-mannered (just as abuse of the opposing counsel is the best way of
+covering the poverty of one's own case at law), but the music-hall
+humorist has no easier or surer road to the risibilities of most of his
+audience. Jokes about faces never fail and are never threadbare.
+Sometimes I find myself listening to one who has been called--possibly
+the label was self-imposed--the Prime Minister of Mirth, and he
+invariably enlarges upon the quaintness of somebody's features, often,
+for he is the soul of impartiality, his own; and the first time, now
+thirty years ago, that I ever entered a music-hall (the tiny stuffy old
+Oxford at Brighton, where the chairman with the dyed hair--it was more
+purple than black--used to sit amid a little company of bloods whose
+proud privilege it was to pay for his refreshment), another George,
+whose surname was Beauchamp, was singing about a siren into whose
+clutches he had or had not fallen, who had
+
+                an indiarubber lip
+    Like the rudder of a ship.
+
+--So you see there is complete continuity.
+
+But the best example of this branch of humour is beyond all question
+that of the Two Macs, whose influence, long though it is since they
+eclipsed the gaiety of the nation by vanishing, is still potent. Though
+gone they still jest; or, at any rate, their jests did not all vanish
+with them. The incorrigible veneration for what is antique displayed by
+low comedians takes care of that. "I saw your wife at the masked ball
+last night," the first Mac would say, in his rich brogue. "My wife was
+at the ball last night," the other would reply in a brogue of deeper
+richness, "but it wasn't a masked ball." The first Mac would then
+express an overwhelming surprise, as he countered with the devastating
+question, "Was _that_ her face?"
+
+"You're not two-faced, anyway. I'll say that for you," was the
+apparently magnanimous concession made by one comedian to another in a
+recent farcical play. The other was beginning to express his
+gratification when the speaker continued: "If you were, you wouldn't
+have come out with that one." Again, you observe, there is no answer to
+this kind of attack. Hence, I suppose, its popularity. And yet perhaps
+to take refuge in a smug sententiousness, and remark crisply, "Handsome
+is as handsome does," should now and then be useful. But it requires
+some self-esteem.
+
+There is no absolute need, however, for the face joke to be applied to
+others to be successful. Since, in spite of the complexion creams,
+"plumpers," and nose-machines advertised in the papers, faces will
+continue to be here and there somewhat Gothic, the wise thing for their
+owners is to accept them and think of other things, or console
+themselves before the unflattering mirror with the memory of those
+mortals who have been both quaint-looking and gifted. Wiser still
+perhaps to make a little capital out of the affliction. Public men who
+are able to make a jest of the homeliness of their features never lose
+by it. President Wilson's public recital of the famous lines on his
+countenance (which I personally find by no means unprepossessing) did
+much to increase his popularity.
+
+    As a beauty I am not a star,
+    There are others more handsome by far.
+      But my face, I don't mind it,
+      For I keep behind it;
+    It's the people in front get the jar.
+
+And an English bishop, or possibly dean, came, at last, very near earth
+when in a secular address he repeated his retort to the lady who had
+commented upon his extraordinary plainness: "Ah, but you should see my
+brother." There is also the excellent story of the ugly man before the
+camera, who was promised by the photographer that he should have justice
+done to him. "Justice!" he exclaimed. "I don't want justice; I want
+mercy."
+
+The great face joke, as I say, obviously came first. Because there were
+in the early days none of the materials for the other staple quips--such
+as alcohol, and sausages, and wives' mothers. Faces, however, were
+always there. And not even yet have the later substitutes ousted it.
+Just as Shakespeare's orator, "when he is out," spits, so does the funny
+man, in similar difficulties, if he is wise, say, "Do you call that a
+face?" and thus collect his thoughts for fresh sallies. If all "dials"
+were identical, Mr. George Graves, for example, would be a stage
+bankrupt; for, resourceful as he is in the humour of quizzical
+disapproval, the vagaries of facial oddity are his foundation stone.
+
+Remarkable as are the heights of grotesque simile to which all the
+Georges have risen in this direction, it is, oddly enough, to the other
+and gentler sex that the classic examples (in my experience) belong. At
+a dinner-party given by a certain hospitable lady who remained something
+of an _enfante terrible_ to the end of her long life, she drew the
+attention of one of her guests, by no means too cautiously, to the
+features of another guest, a bishop of great renown. "Isn't his face,"
+she asked, in a deathless sentence, "like the inside of an elephant's
+foot?" I have not personally the honour of this divine's acquaintance,
+but all my friends who have met or seen him assure me that the
+similitude is exact. Another lady, happily still living, said of the
+face of an acquaintance, that it was "not so much a face, as a part of
+her person which she happened to leave uncovered, by which her friends
+were able to recognize her." A third, famous for her swift analyses,
+said that a certain would-be beauty might have a title to good looks but
+for "a rush of teeth to the head." I do not quote these admirable
+remarks merely as a proof of woman's natural kindliness, but to show how
+even among the elect--for all three speakers are of more than common
+culture--the face joke holds sway.
+
+
+
+
+The Puttenhams
+
+I
+
+From _The Mustershire Herald and Oldcaster Advertiser_
+
+
+"The new volume of _The Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_ is,
+as usual, full of varied fare.... But for good Oldcastrians the most
+interesting article is a minute account of the Puttenham family, so well
+known in the town for many generations, from its earliest traceable date
+in the seventeenth century. It is remarkable for how long the Puttenhams
+were content to be merely small traders and so forth, until quite
+recently the latent genius of the blood declared itself simultaneously
+in the constructive ability of our own millionaire ex-townsman, Sir
+Jonathan Puttenham (who married a daughter of Lord Hammerton), and in
+the world-famous skill of the great chemist, Sir Victor Puttenham, the
+discoverer of the Y-rays, who still has his country home on our borders.
+The simile of the oak and the acorn at once springs to mind."
+
+
+II
+
+Miss Enid Daubeney, who is staying at Sir Jonathan Puttenham's, to her
+Sister
+
+MY DEAR FLUFFETY,--There are wigs on the green here, I can tell you.
+Aunt Virginia is furious about a genealogy of the Puttenham family which
+has appeared in the county's archaeological records. It goes back ever so
+far, and derives our revered if somewhat stodgy and not-too-generous
+uncle-by-marriage from one of the poorest bunches of ancestors a knight
+of industry ever had. Aunt Virginia won't see that, from such loins, the
+farther the spring the greater the honour, and the poor man has had no
+peace and the article is to be suppressed. But since these things are
+published only for subscribers and the volume is now out, of course
+nothing can be done. Please telegraph that you can't spare me any
+longer, for the meals here are getting impossible. Not even the peaches
+compensate.--Your devoted ENID
+
+
+III
+
+Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Rev. Stacey Morris, Editor of _The
+Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_
+
+DEAR SIR,--I wish to utter a protest against what I consider a serious
+breach of etiquette. In the new volume of your _Records_, you print an
+article dealing with the history from remote times of the family of
+which I am a member, and possibly the best-known member at the present
+day. The fact that that family is of humble origin is nothing to me.
+What I object to is the circumstance that you should publish this
+material, most of which is of very little interest to the outside world,
+without first ascertaining my views on the subject. I may now tell you
+that I object so strongly to the publication that I count on you to
+secure its withdrawal.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JONATHAN PUTTENHAM
+
+
+IV
+
+Horace Vicary, M.D., of Southbridge, to his old friend the Rev. Stacey
+Morris
+
+MORRIS,--It's a good volume, take it all round. But what has given me,
+in my unregeneracy, the greatest pleasure is the article on the
+Puttenhams. For years the Puttenhams here have been putting on airs and
+holding their noses higher than the highest, and it is not only (as they
+say doubly of nibs) grateful and comforting, but a boon and a blessing,
+to find that one of their not too remote ancestors kept a public-house,
+and another was a tinsmith. And I fancy I am not alone in my
+satisfaction.
+
+Yours, H. V.
+
+
+V
+
+Sir Victor Puttenham, F.R.S., to the Editor of _The Mustershire
+Archaeological Society's Records_
+
+DEAR SIR,--As probably the most widely-known member of the Puttenham
+family at the present moment, may I thank you for the generous space
+which you have accorded to our history. To what extent it will be
+readable by strangers I cannot say, but to me it is intensely
+interesting, and if you can arrange for a few dozen reprints in paper
+wrappers I shall be glad to have them. I had, of course, some knowledge
+of my ancestors, but I had no idea that we were quite such an
+undistinguished rabble of groundlings for so long. That drunken
+whipper-in to Lord Dashingham in the seventeen-seventies particularly
+delights me.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+VICTOR PUTTENHAM
+
+
+VI
+
+From Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Editor of _The Mustershire Herald and
+Oldcaster Advertiser_
+
+DEAR SIR,--I shall be obliged if you will make no more references in
+_The Herald_ to the new _Mustershire Archaeological Records'_ article on
+the Puttenhams. It is not that it lays emphasis on the humble origin of
+that family. That is nothing to me. But I am at the moment engaged in a
+correspondence with the Editor on the propriety of publishing private or
+semi-private records of this character without first asking permission,
+and as he will possibly see the advisability of withdrawing the article
+in question there should be as little reference to it in the Press as
+possible.--I am,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JONATHAN PUTTENHAM
+
+
+VII
+
+The Rev. Stacey Morris to Sir Jonathan Puttenham
+
+The Editor of _The Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_ begs to
+acknowledge Sir Jonathan Puttenham's letter of the 15th inst. He regrets
+that the publication of the Puttenham genealogy should have so offended
+Sir Jonathan, but would point out, firstly, that it has for years been a
+custom of these Records to include such articles; secondly, that the
+volume has now been delivered to all the Society's members; thirdly,
+that there are members of the Puttenham family who do not at all share
+Sir Jonathan's views; and, fourthly, that if such views obtained
+generally the valuable and interesting pursuit of genealogy, of which
+our President, Lord Hammerton, to name no others, is so ardent a patron,
+would cease to be practised.
+
+
+VIII
+
+Miss Lydia Puttenham, of "Weald View," Rusper Common, Tunbridge Wells,
+to Lady Puttenham
+
+DEAR COUSIN MILDRED,--I wonder if Sir Victor has seen the article on our
+family in _The Archaeological Records_. I am so vexed about it, not only
+for myself and all of us, but particularly for him and you. It is not
+right that a busy man working for humanity, as he is doing, should be
+worried like that. Indeed I feel so strongly about it that I have sent
+in my resignation as a member of the Society. Why such things should be
+printed at all I cannot see. It is most unfair and unnecessary to go
+into such details, nor can there be the slightest reason for doing so,
+for the result is the dullest reading. Perhaps Sir Victor could get it
+stopped. Again expressing my sympathy, I am,
+
+Yours affectionately,
+
+LYDIA PUTTENHAM
+
+
+IX
+
+The Rev. Stacey Morris to Ernest Burroughs, the compiler of the
+Puttenham genealogy
+
+MY DEAR BURROUGHS,--We are threatened with all kinds of penalties by Sir
+Jonathan Puttenham, the great contractor, over your seamy revelations.
+It is odd how differently these things are taken, for the other great
+Puttenham, the chemist, Sir Victor, is delighted and is distributing
+copies broadcast. Equal forms of snobbishness, a Thackeray would perhaps
+say. But my purpose in writing is to say that I hope you will continue
+the series undismayed.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+STACEY MORRIS
+
+
+
+
+Poetry made Easy
+
+
+In the admirable and stimulating lecture given to the English
+Association by Professor Spurgeon on "Poetry in the Light of War," I
+came again upon that poem of Rupert Brooke's in which he enumerates
+certain material things that have given him most pleasure in life. "I
+have been so great a lover," he writes, and then he makes a list of his
+loves, thus following, perhaps all unconsciously, Lamb's _John Woodvil_
+in that rhymed passage which, under the title "The Universal Lover," has
+been detached from the play. But Lamb, pretending to be Elizabethan,
+dealt with the larger splendours, whereas Rupert Brooke's modernity took
+count of the smaller. John Woodvil's list of his loves begins with the
+sunrise and the sunset; Rupert Brooke sets down such mundane and
+domestic trifles as white plates and cups, the hard crust of bread, and
+the roughness of blankets.
+
+This, to strangers to the poem, may not sound very poetical, but they
+must read it before they judge. To me it is at once one of the most
+satisfying and most beautiful leaves in the Georgian anthology. Here is
+a passage:
+
+    Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing;
+    Voices in laughter too; and body's pain
+    Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
+    Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
+    That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;
+    And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold
+    Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
+    Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
+    And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
+    And new-peeled sticks, and shining pools on grass;
+    --All these have been my loves.
+
+My reason in quoting these fine and tender lines is to point out how
+simple a thing poetry can be; how easily we, at any rate for a few
+moments--even the most material, the most world-brutalized of us,--can
+become poets too. For I hold that any man searching his memory for the
+things that from earliest days have given him most delight, and
+sincerely recording them, not necessarily with verbal garniture at all,
+is while he does so a poet. A good deal of Whitman is little else but
+such catalogues; and Whitman was a great poet. The effort (even without
+the reward of this not-always-desired label) is worth making, because
+(and this is where the poetry comes in) it forces one to visit the past
+and dwell again in the ways of pleasantness before the world was too
+much with us and life's hand had begun to press heavily: most of such
+loves as Rupert Brooke recalls having their roots in our childhood.
+Hence such poetry as we shall make cannot be wholly reading without
+tears.
+
+I find that on my list of loves scents would take a very important
+place--the scent of gorse warmed by the sun coming almost first, gorse
+blossoms rubbed in the hand and then crushed against the face, geranium
+leaves, the leaves of the lemon verbena, the scent of pine trees, the
+scent of unlit cigars, the scent of cigarette smoke blown my way from a
+distance, the scent of coffee as it arrives from the grocer's (see what
+a poet I am!), the scent of the underside of those little cushions of
+moss which come away so easily in the woods, the scent of lilies of the
+valley, the scent of oatcake for cattle, the scent of lilac, and, for
+reasons, above all perhaps the scent of a rubbish fire in the garden.
+
+Rupert Brooke mentions the feel of things. Among the loves of the sense
+of touch I should include smooth dried beans, purple and spotted, and
+horse-chestnuts, warm and polished by being kept in the pocket, and
+ptarmigan's feet, and tortoiseshell spoons for tea-caddies. And among
+sounds, first and foremost is the sound of a carriage and pair, but very
+high in position is that rare ecstasy, the distant drum and panpipes of
+the Punch and Judy. Do they play the panpipes still, I wonder. And how
+should I behave if I heard them round the corner? Should I run? I hope
+so. Scent, sound, touch, and sight. Sight? Here the range is too vast,
+and yet here, perhaps, the act of memory leads to the best poetry of
+all. For to enumerate one's favourite sights--always, as Rupert Brooke
+may be said to have done, although not perhaps consciously, in the mood
+of one who is soon to lose the visible world for ever--is to become, no
+matter how humble the list, a psalmist.
+
+The mere recollecting and recording even such haphazard memories as
+these has had the effect of reconstructing also many too-long-forgotten
+scenes of pure happiness, and has urged me about this dear England of
+ours too, for I learned to love gorse on Harpenden Common, and pinewoods
+at Ampthill, and moss in Kent, and the scent of coffee in the kitchen of
+a home that can never be rebuilt, and--but poetry can be pain too.
+
+
+
+
+A Pioneer
+
+
+To be the first is always an achievement, even though the steps falter.
+To be the first is also a distinction that cannot be taken away, because
+whoever comes after must be a follower; and to follow is tame. It
+occasionally happens that the first, no matter how many imitate him, is
+also the best; but this cannot be said of Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, retired
+medical officer on pension, a tiny pamphlet by whom has just fluttered
+my way.
+
+Mr. Dutt's pioneer work was done in the realms of poesy, somewhen in the
+eighteen-sixties, and the fruits are gathered together in this
+_brochure_ under the title _Songs_, published at Chittagong, in India,
+which, in some bewildering way, reached a second edition in 1886. In the
+opening "distich" Mr. Dutt makes the claim to be the first Asiatic poet
+to write in English, and if that is true this insignificant work
+becomes the seed of which the full flower is the gifted Rabindra, son of
+Tagore, whose mellifluous but mystic utterances lie, I am told, on every
+boudoir table. Me they, for the most part, stump.
+
+Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, although a pioneer, made no claim himself to have
+originated the startling idea of writing songs "in English word" and
+English rhyme; he merely accepted the suggestion and acted upon it. The
+suggestion came, under divine guidance, from Mr. J. D. Ward, the
+Chittagong magistrate. Here are the lines, setting forth that
+epoch-making moment, in an address to the Deity:
+
+    I thank Thee for an idea that Thou has created in my heart
+    On which through the faculty I met now a very fresh art.
+
+    ...
+
+    Being myself desired by the Chittagong magistrate, Mr. J. D. Ward,
+    Got encouraged and commence writing a few songs in English word.
+
+To Mr. Ward, then, much honour; and, indeed, one of Ramkinoo Dutt's
+pleasantest qualities is his desire always to give honour where it is
+due. Mr. Ward was perhaps his especial darling among the white sahibs
+of Chittagong, but all are praised. Thus, in another invocation to
+Heaven, we read:
+
+    King, conqueror of nations, encourage two sorts of mortals,
+    One skilled in war, the other in counsel.
+
+    If so, why not Captain Macdonald should be the former?
+    If so, why not Mr. J. D. Ward would be the latter?
+
+And here is part of a "distich on arrival of 38th N.I.":
+
+    We paid a visit upon Captain John A. Vanrenen,
+    He is a high-spirited hero and jolly gentleman,
+
+    So is the Lieutenant George Fergus Graham,
+    So is the Lieutenant Henry Tottenham.
+
+The last poem of all is wholly devoted to eulogies of Chittagong
+worthies. For example, Mr. H. Greavesour, the judge,
+
+    Is a pious and righteous man,
+    Administering justice with mental pain.
+
+Of Mr. D. R. Douglas:
+
+    There is Mr. D. R. Douglas, Joint Magistrate,
+    His judgment is pure, yes, on the highest rate.
+
+And Mr. A. Marsh, Magistrate-Collector:
+
+    He is devout, holy man, naturally shy,
+    His mind seems runs through righteous way.
+
+And the Executive Engineer, Mr. C. A. Mills:
+
+    The energitic gentleman is getting on well.
+
+All these were living and probably in daily reception of the obeisances
+of the retired medical officer who esteemed them so highly; but Dr.
+Beatson was dead:
+
+    We lost, lately lost, Dr. W. B. Beatson.
+    We again shall never gain him in person....
+        He is a Dr. Philanthropist,
+        He is a Dr. Physiognomist,
+        He is a Dr. Anatomist,
+        He is His Lordship's personal Surgeon.
+
+It will be seen already that Mr. Dutt had not yet mastered his
+instrument, but he did not lack thoughts: merely the power to express
+them. Throughout these thirty odd pages one sees him floundering in the
+morass of a new language, always with something that he wants to say but
+can only suggest. Here, for example, is a personal statement, line by
+line more or less inarticulate, but as a whole clear enough. With all
+the mental incompleteness, the verbal looseness, the fumblings and
+gropings of the traditional Baboo, it is a genuine piece of irony.
+Seldom can a convert to Christianity have been more frank.
+
+    I would not accept a second creation,
+    I thank the Omnipotent for his kind protection.
+            From my minority,
+            I profess the mendacity,
+            Passed days in poverty,
+            From my minority.
+            Perpetually my duty,
+            Sobbing under perplexity.
+            Nothing least prosperity,
+            But sad and emotion.
+
+            I gave up the heathenism,
+            And its favouritism,
+            Together with the Hinduism.
+
+            I gave up the heathenism.
+            Neither the fanaticism,
+            Nor the paganism,
+            Or my idiotism,
+            Could enrich me with provision.
+
+Such was the poetical pioneer, Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, who (supposing
+always that we may accept his statement as true) was the first Hindu to
+write English verse.
+
+
+
+
+Full Circle
+
+
+I have lately been the witness of two phenomena.
+
+Not long ago two officers and gentlemen (whom I had never seen before
+and one of whom, alas! I shall never see again) descended from a blue
+sky on to a neighbouring stretch of sward; had tea with me in my garden;
+and, ascending into the blue again, were lost to view. Since it is
+seldom that the heavens drop such visitants upon us in the obscure
+region in which I live, it follows that while the aviators were absent
+from their machine the news had so spread that by the time they rejoined
+it and prepared to depart, a crowd had assembled not unworthy of being
+compared, in point of numbers, with that which two workmen in London can
+bring together whenever they begin to make a hole in the wood-block
+paving. I had not thought so many people lived in the neighbourhood.
+Every family, at any rate was represented, while the rector looked on
+with the tolerant smile that the clergy keep for the wonders of science,
+and just at the last moment up panted our policeman on his bicycle, and
+pulling out his notebook and pencil for the aviators' names (Heaven
+knows why), set upon the proceedings the seal of authority.
+
+Whatever may be said against aeroplanes in full flight, and there is
+quite a long indictment--that they are, for instance, not at all like
+birds, and much more like dragon-flies, and are too noisy, and too
+rigid, and so forth,--no one in his senses can deny that as they rise
+from the ground--especially if you are behind them and they are receding
+swiftly in a straight line from you, and even more so if you are
+personally acquainted with the occupants--they have beautiful and
+exciting qualities. Not soon shall I forget the sight as my guests in
+their biplane glided exquisitely from the turf into the air and, after
+one circular sweep around our bewildered heads, swam away in the
+direction of the Hog's Back.
+
+That was phenomenon No. 1. Phenomenon No. 2--also connected with the
+mechanics of quicker movement than Shanks's mare ever compassed--was
+one of those old high bicycles, a fifty-two inch, I should guess, dating
+from the late eighteen-seventies, which, although the year was 1916, was
+being ridden along the Brighton front.
+
+I am, unhappily, old enough to have been the owner of a bone-shaker,
+upon which I can assure you I had far more amusing times than on any of
+its luxurious progeny, even though they were fitted with every device
+that all the engineers' brains in the world, together with the white hat
+and beard of Mr. Dunlop, have succeeded in inventing. Being able to
+remember the advent of the high bicycle and the rush to the windows and
+gates whenever word went forth that one was approaching (much as a few
+of the simpler among us still run when the buzz of the aeroplane is
+heard), I was, as I watched the interest aroused among Brighton's
+butterflies by this antique relic, in a position to reflect, not I trust
+sardonically, but at any rate without any feelings of triumph, upon the
+symmetrical completion of--I must not say one cycle of mechanical
+enterprise, but one era. For this high bicycle (which was perhaps built
+between thirty and forty years ago) wobbling along the King's Road drew
+every eye. Before that moment we had been looking at I know not
+what--the _Skylark_, maybe, now fitted with auxiliary motor power; or
+the too many soldiers in blue clothes, with only one arm or one leg, and
+sometimes with no legs at all, who take the sun near the Palace Pier and
+are not wholly destitute of female companionship. But when this
+outlandish vehicle came we all stopped to gaze and wonder, and we
+watched it out of sight.
+
+"Look at that extraordinary bicycle!" said the young, to whom it was
+something of the latest.
+
+"Well, I'm blessed," said the old, "if there isn't one of those high
+bicycles from before the Flood!"
+
+And not only did it provide a diverting spectacle, but it gave us
+something to talk about at dinner, where we compared old feats perched
+on these strange monsters, in the days when the road from John o' Groats
+to Land's End was thick with competitors, and half the male world wore
+the same grey cloth, and the Vicar of Ripley strove every Sunday for
+the cyclist's soul.
+
+Being myself didactically disposed, I went farther than reminiscence and
+bored my companions with some such reflections as those that follow. It
+is not given (I said) to many of us to have a second time on earth, but
+this bicycle is having it, and enjoying it. In the distant
+eighteen-seventies or eighties it was, as a daring innovation, a marvel
+and a show. Then came (I went on) all the experiments and developments
+under which cycling has become as natural almost as walking, during
+which it lay neglected in corners, like the specimen in the London
+Museum in the basement of Stafford House. And then an adventurous boy
+discovered it, and riding it to-day bravely beside that promenade of
+sun-beetles, assisted it (I concluded) to box the compass and transform
+the Obsolete into the Novelty.
+
+Some day, if I live, there may visit me from the blue as I totter among
+the flower-beds an aeroplane of so scandalous a crudity and immaturity
+that all the countryside, long since weary of the sight and sound of
+flying machines, then so common that every cottager will have one, will
+again cluster about it while its occupants and I drink our tea.
+
+For with mechanical enterprise there is no standing still. Man, so
+conspicuously unable to improve himself, is always making his inventions
+better.
+
+
+
+
+A Friend of Man
+
+In Two Parts
+
+I. THE FALLEN STAR
+
+
+Once upon a time there was a pug dog who could speak.
+
+I found him on a seat in Hyde Park.
+
+"Good afternoon," he said.
+
+Why I was not astonished to be thus addressed by a pug dog, I cannot
+say; but it seemed perfectly natural.
+
+"Good afternoon," I replied.
+
+"It's a long time," he said, "since you saw any of my kind, I expect?"
+
+"Now I come to think of it," I replied, "it is. How is that?"
+
+"There's a reason," he said. "Put in a nutshell it's this: Peeks." He
+wheezed horribly.
+
+I asked him to be more explicit, and he amplified his epigram into:
+"Pekingese."
+
+"They're all the rage now," he explained; "and we're out in the cold. If
+you throw your memory back a dozen years or so," he went on, "you will
+recall our popularity."
+
+As he spoke I did so. In the mind's eye I saw a sumptuous
+carriage-and-pair. The horses bristled with mettle. The carriage was on
+C-springs, and a coachman and footman were on the box. They wore claret
+livery and cockades. The footman's arms were folded. His gloves were of
+a dazzling whiteness. In the carriage was an elderly commanding lady
+with an aristocratic nose; and in her lap was a pug dog of plethoric
+habit and a face as black as your hat.
+
+All the time my new acquaintance was watching me with streaming eyes.
+"What do you see?" he asked.
+
+I described my mental picture.
+
+"There you are," he said; "and what do you see to-day? There, look!"
+
+I glanced up at his bidding, and a costly motor was gliding smoothly by.
+It weighed several tons, and its tyres were like dropsical life-belts.
+On its shining door was a crest. The chauffeur was kept warm by costly
+furs. Inside was an elderly lady, and in her arms was a russet
+Pekingese.
+
+"So you see what went when I went," the pug said, after a noisy pause.
+"It wasn't only pugs that went; it was carriages-and-pairs, and the
+sound of eight hoofs all at once, and footmen with folded arms. We
+passed out together. Exeunt pugs. Enter Peeks and Petrol. And now we are
+out in the cold."
+
+I sympathized with him. "You must transfer your affection to another
+class, that's all," I said. "If the nobs have gone back on you, there
+are still a great many pug-lovers left."
+
+"No," he said, "that's no good; we want chicken. We must have it.
+Without it, we had better become extinct." He wept with the sound of a
+number of syphons all leaking together, and waddled away.
+
+At this moment the man who has charge of the chairs came up for my
+money. I gave the penny.
+
+"I'm afraid I must charge you twopence," the man said.
+
+I asked him why.
+
+"For the dog," he said. "When they talks we has to make a charge for
+them."
+
+"But it wasn't mine," I assured him. "It was a total stranger."
+
+"Come now," he said; and to save trouble I paid him.
+
+But how like a pug!
+
+
+II. THE NEW BOOK OF BEAUTY
+
+A hundred years ago the Books of Beauty had line engravings by Charles
+Heath, and long-necked, ringleted ladies looked wistfully or simperingly
+at you. I have several examples: _Caskets_, _Albums_, _Keepsakes_. The
+new Book of Beauty has a very different title. It is called _The
+Pekingese_, and is the revised edition for 1914.
+
+The book is different in other ways too. The steel engravers having long
+since all died of starvation, here are photographs only, in large
+numbers, and (strange innovation!) there are more of gentlemen than of
+ladies. For this preponderance there is a good commercial reason, as any
+student of the work will quickly discover, for we are now entering a
+sphere of life where the beauty of the sterner sex (if so severe a word
+can be applied to such sublimation of everything that is soft and
+voluptuous and endearing) is more considered than that of the other.
+Beautiful ladies are here in some profusion, but the first place is for
+beautiful and guinea-earning gentlemen.
+
+In the old Books of Beauty one could make a choice. There was always one
+lady supremely longer-necked, more wistful or more simpering than the
+others. But in this new Book of Beauty one turns the pages only to be
+more perplexed. The embarrassment of riches is too embarrassing. I have
+been through the work a score of times and am still wondering on whom my
+affections and admiration are most firmly fixed.
+
+How to play the part of Paris where all the competitors have some
+irresistibility, as all have of either sex? Once I thought that Wee Mo
+of Westwood was my heart's chiefest delight, "a flame-red little dog
+with black mask and ear-fringes, profuse coat and featherings, flat wide
+skull, short flat face, short bowed legs and well-shaped body." But then
+I turned back to Broadoak Beetle and on to Broadoak Cirawanzi, and
+Young Beetle, and Nanking Fo, and Ta Fo of Greystones, and Petshe Ah
+Wei, and Hay Ch'ah of Toddington, and that superb Sultanic creature,
+King Rudolph of Ruritania, and Champion Howbury Ming, and Su Eh of
+Newnham, and King Beetle of Minden, and Champion Hu Hi, and Mo Sho, and
+that rich red dog, Buddha of Burford. And having chosen these I might
+just as well scratch out their names and write others, for every male
+face in this book is a poem.
+
+The ladies, as I have said, are in the minority, for the obvious reason
+that these little disdainful distinguished gentlemen figure here as
+potential fathers, with their fees somewhat indelicately named: since
+there's husbandry on earth as well as in heaven.
+
+Such ladies as are here are here for their beauty alone and are beyond
+price. Among them I note with especial joy Yiptse of Chinatown, Mandarin
+Marvel, who "inherits the beautiful front of her sire, Broadoak Beetle";
+Lavender of Burton-on-Dee, "fawn, with black mask"; Chi-Fa of
+Alderbourne, "a most charming and devoted little companion"; Yeng Loo of
+Ipsley; Detlong Mo-li of Alderbourne, one of the "beautiful red
+daughters of Wong-ti of Alderbourne," Champion Chaou Chingur, of whom
+her owner says that "in quaintness and individuality and in loving
+disposition she is unequalled," and is also "quite a 'woman of the
+world,' very _blasee_ and also very punctilious in trifles"; Pearl of
+Cotehele, "bright red, with beautiful back"; E-Wo Tu T'su; Berylune Tzu
+Hsi Chu; Ko-ki of Radbourne and Siddington Fi-fi.
+
+Every now and then there is an article in the papers asking and
+answering the question, What is the greatest benefit that has come to
+mankind in the past half-century? The answer is usually the camera, or
+matches, or the Marconi system, or the cinema, or the pianola, or the
+turbine, or the Roentgen rays, or the telephone, or the bicycle, or Lord
+Northcliffe, or the motor-car. Always something utilitarian or
+scientific. But why should we not say at once that it was the
+introduction of Pekingese spaniels into England from China? Because that
+is the truth.
+
+
+
+
+The Listener
+
+
+Once upon a time there was a man with such delicate ears that he could
+hear even letters speak. And, of course, letters lying in pillar-boxes
+have all kinds of things to say to each other.
+
+One evening, having posted his own letter, he leaned against the
+pillar-box and listened.
+
+"Here's another!" said a voice. "Who are you, pray?"
+
+"I'm an acceptance with thanks," said the new letter.
+
+"What do you accept?" another voice asked.
+
+"An invitation to dinner," said the new letter, with a touch of pride.
+
+"Pooh!" said the other. "Only that."
+
+"It's at a house in Kensington," said the new letter.
+
+"Well, _I'm_ an acceptance of an invitation to a dance at a duchess's,"
+was the reply, and the new letter said no more.
+
+Then all the others began.
+
+"I bring news of a legacy," said one.
+
+"I try to borrow money," said another, rather hopelessly.
+
+"I demand the payment of a debt," said a sharp metallic voice.
+
+"I decline an offer of marriage," said a fourth, with a wistful note.
+
+"I've got a cheque inside," said a fifth, with a swagger.
+
+"I convey the sack," said a sixth in triumph.
+
+"I ask to be taken on again, at a lower salary," said another, with
+tears.
+
+"What do you think I am?" one inquired. "You shall have six guesses."
+
+"Give us a clue," said a voice.
+
+"Very well. I'm in a foolscap envelope."
+
+Then the guessing began.
+
+One said a writ.
+
+Another said an income-tax demand.
+
+But no one could guess it.
+
+"I'm a poem for a paper," said the foolscap letter at last.
+
+"Are you good?" asked a voice.
+
+"Not good enough, I'm afraid," said the poem. "In fact I've been out and
+back again seven times already."
+
+"A war poem, I suppose?"
+
+"I suppose so. I rhyme 'trench' and 'French.'"
+
+"Guess what I am," said a sentimental murmur.
+
+"Anyone could guess that," was the gruff reply. "You're a love-letter."
+
+"Quite right," said the sentimental murmur. "But how clever of you!"
+
+"Well," said another, "you're not the only love-letter here. I'm a
+love-letter too."
+
+"How do you begin?" asked the first.
+
+"I begin 'My Darling,'" said the second love-letter.
+
+"That's nothing," said the first; "I begin 'My Ownest Own.'"
+
+"I don't think much of either of those beginnings," said a new voice. "I
+begin, 'Most Beautiful.'"
+
+"You're from a man, I suppose?" said the second love-letter.
+
+"Yes, I am," said the new one. "Aren't you?"
+
+"No, I'm from a woman," said the second. "I'll admit your beginning's
+rather good. But, how do you end?"
+
+"I end with 'A million kisses,'" said the new one.
+
+"Ah, I've got you there!" said the second. "I end with 'For ever and
+ever yours.'"
+
+"That's not bad," said the first, "but my ending is pretty good in its
+way. I end like this: 'To-morrow will be Heaven once more, for then we
+meet again.'"
+
+"Oh, do stop all this love talk," said the gruff voice again, "and be
+sensible like me. I'm a letter to an Editor putting everything right and
+showing up all the iniquities and ineptitudes of the Government. I shall
+make a stir, I can tell you. I'm It, I am. I'm signed 'Pro Bono
+Publico.'"
+
+"That's funny!" said another letter. "I'm signed that too, but I stick
+up for the Government."
+
+But at this moment the listener was conscious of a hand on his arm and a
+lantern in his face.
+
+"Here," said the authoritative tones of a policeman, "I think you've
+been leaning against this pillar-box long enough. If you can't walk I'll
+help you home."
+
+Thus does metallic prose invade the delicate poetical realm of
+supernature.
+
+
+
+
+The Dark Secret
+
+
+It was the most perfect September day that anyone could remember. The
+sun had risen in a dewy mist. The early air was pungent with yellowing
+bracken.
+
+Then the mist cleared, the dew disappeared from everywhere but the
+shadows, and the Red Admirals again settled on the Michaelmas daisies.
+
+A young man walked up and down the paths of the garden and drank in its
+sweetness; then he passed on to the orchard and picked from the wet
+grass a reddening apple, which he ate. Something pulled at his flannel
+trousers: it was a spaniel puppy, and with it he played till
+breakfast-time.
+
+He was staying with some friends for a cricket match. It was the last of
+the season and his only game that year. As one grows older and busier,
+cricket becomes less and less convenient, and on the two occasions that
+he had arranged for a day it had been wet.
+
+He had never been a great hand at the game. He had never made 100 or
+even 70, never taken any really good wickets; but he liked every minute
+of a match, so much so that he was always the first to volunteer to
+field when there was a man short, or run for some one who was lame, or
+even to stand as umpire.
+
+To be in the field was the thing. Those rainy interludes in the pavilion
+which so develop the stoicism of the first-class cricketer had no power
+to make a philosopher of him. All their effect on him was detrimental:
+they turned him black. He fretted and raged.
+
+But to-day there was not a cloud; nothing but the golden September sun.
+
+It was one of the jolly matches. There was no jarring element: no bowler
+who was several sizes too good; no bowler who resented being taken off;
+no habitual country-house cricketer whose whole conversation was the
+jargon of the game; no batsman too superior to the rest; no acerbitous
+captain with a lost temper over every mistake; no champagne for lunch.
+Most of the players were very occasional performers: the rest were
+gardeners and a few schoolboys. Nice boys--boys who might have come from
+Winchester.
+
+He was quickly out, but he did not mind, for he had had one glorious
+swipe and was caught in the deep field off another, and there is no
+better way of getting out than that.
+
+In the field he himself stood deep, and the only catch that came to him
+he held; while in the intervals between wickets he lay on the sweet
+grass while the sun warmed him through and through. If ever it was good
+to be alive....
+
+And suddenly the sun no longer warmed him, and he noticed that it had
+sunk behind a tree in whose hundred-yard-long shadow he was standing.
+For a second he shivered, not only at the loss of tangible heat, but at
+the realization that the summer was nearly gone (for it was still early
+in the afternoon), and this was the last cricket match, and he had
+missed all the others, and he was growing old, and winter was coming on,
+and next year he might have no chance; but most of all he regretted the
+loss of the incredible goodness of this day, and for the first time in
+his life the thought phrased itself in his mind: "No sooner do we grasp
+the present than it becomes the past." The haste of it all oppressed
+him. Nothing stands still.
+
+"A ripping day, wasn't it?" said his host as they walked back.
+
+"Perfect," he replied, with a sigh. "But how soon over!"
+
+They stopped for a moment at the top of the hill to look at the sunset,
+and he sighed again as his thoughts flew to that print of the
+"Melancholia" which had hung on the stairs in his early home.
+
+"Notice the sunset," some visitor had once said to him. "Some day you
+will know why Duerer put that in."
+
+And now he knew.
+
+That evening he heard the Winchester boys making plans for the winter
+sports at Pontresina in the Christmas vac.
+
+
+
+
+The Scholar and the Pirate
+
+
+In an old bookshop which I visit, never without making a discovery or
+two--not infrequently, as in the present case, assisted in my good
+fortune by the bookseller himself--I lately came upon an edition of
+Long's _Marcus Aurelius_ with an admirable prefatory note that is, I
+believe, peculiar to this issue--that of 1869. And since the eyes of the
+present generation have never been turned towards America so often and
+so seriously as latterly, when our Trans-Atlantic cousins have become
+our allies, blood once more of our blood, the passage may be reprinted
+with peculiar propriety. Apart, however, from its American interest, the
+document is valuable for its dignity and independence, and it had the
+effect of sending me to that rock of refuge, _The Dictionary of National
+Biography_, to inquire further as to its author. There I found that
+George Long, whose translation of the Imperial Stoic is a classic, was
+born in 1800; educated at Macclesfield Grammar School and Trinity
+College, Cambridge; in 1821 was bracketed Craven scholar with Macaulay
+and Professor Malden, but gained a fellowship over both of them; and in
+1824 went to Charlotteville, Virginia, as professor of ancient
+languages. Returning in 1828 to profess Greek at University College,
+London, he was thenceforward, throughout his long life, concerned with
+the teaching and popularizing of the classics, finding time, however,
+also to be called to the Bar, to lecture on jurisprudence and civil law,
+and to help to found the Royal Geographical Society. His _Marcus
+Aurelius_ is his best-known work, but his edition of Cicero's Orations,
+his discourse on Roman Law, and his Epictetus also stand alone. After
+many years' teaching at Brighton College, Long retired to Chichester,
+where he died in 1879.
+
+Late in life he brought out anonymously a book of essays, entitled _An
+Old Man's Thoughts about Many Things_, in which I have been dipping. I
+do not say it would bear reprinting now, but anyone seeing it on a
+friend's shelf should borrow it, or in a bookshop should buy it,
+because such kindly good sense, such simple directness and candour and
+love of the humanities are rare. It has its mischief, too. The old
+scholar's opinion on statue-making in general and on London's statues in
+particular are expressed with a dry frankness that is refreshing. I make
+no effort to resist quoting a little:
+
+     "It is in the nature of things that statues should be made.
+     They were made more than two thousand years ago, and I
+     believe the business has never stopped, for when people
+     could not get good statues, they were content with bad, as
+     we are now.
+
+     "If I might give advice to the men now living, who look
+     forward to the honour, if it is an honour, of being set up
+     in bronze in the highways, or in marble in Westminster Abbey
+     or St. Paul's; if I might advise, I would say, leave a
+     legacy in your will for your own statue. It will save much
+     trouble and people will think better of you when you are
+     gone, if you cost them nothing. As to their laughing at you
+     for looking after your own statue, be not afraid of that.
+
+     "It is very disagreeable nowadays to see a man standing for
+     ever on his legs in public, doing nothing but stand, and
+     seeming as if he were never going to do anything else.
+
+     "If a man shall try to persuade me that a statue should be
+     nothing more than the effigy of a man standing on a
+     pedestal, I shall never be convinced. I would rather see a
+     living man standing on an inverted cask, as I have seen a
+     slave when he was sold, not that the sale is a very pleasant
+     thing to see, but the man produced a much better effect than
+     many of our statues, for he expressed something and they
+     express nothing.
+
+     "As we cannot or at least ought not to make our statues
+     naked or blanket-dressed, and as body and legs are merely
+     given to a statue in order to support the head, for the legs
+     and body might be any legs and any body, would it not be
+     wise to be satisfied with the head only? This would be a
+     great saving, and though the sculptor would get less for a
+     head than for a head with body and legs to it, he would have
+     more heads to make. This is a hint, which I throw out by the
+     way, for the consideration of committees who sit on
+     statues, by which I mean men who sit together to talk about
+     a thing of which most of them know nothing.
+
+     "When the negroes of Africa have been brought to the same
+     state of civilization as the white man, they will make
+     statues and set them up in public; and as we who are white
+     make black statues, they who are black will of course make
+     white statues.
+
+     "Can anybody say what sin Dr. Jenner committed for which he
+     does perpetual penance, not in white, but in black, his face
+     black and his hands too, seated in the most public part of
+     London, fixed to his chair, with no hope of rising from it?
+
+     "This seated figure might be anybody. I see nothing by which
+     I recognize Dr. Jenner; to say nothing of a cow, there is
+     not even a calf by his side, with the benevolent physician's
+     hand on the animal.
+
+     "I cannot approve of a seated black statue in the open
+     air--a black man sitting, and no more.
+
+     "I sincerely pity our seated gentlemen in London, poor
+     Cartwright, who looks like an old cobbler on his stool, and
+     Fox, worse treated still, blanket-dressed, fat and black. No
+     wonder some shortsighted man from the new Confederate States
+     once took Fox for a negro woman, the emblem of British
+     philanthropy and a memorial of the abolition of the slave
+     trade.
+
+     "The only beasts on which we can now place our heroes are
+     horses. I may be wrong in my opinion, but I see no beauty in
+     a horse standing still and a man's legs dangling down from
+     the beast's back; nor do I think that the matter is mended
+     by the horse and rider being of colossal size, though they
+     ought to be larger than life. Perhaps we shall not have any
+     more of these statues; but is it impossible to remove those
+     that we have?
+
+     "As we are a fighting people, we have been great makers of
+     statues of fighting men. We put them even in churches. This
+     reminds that when the time shall come for finishing and
+     adorning the inside of St. Paul's, there will be an enormous
+     quantity of old stone to dispose of, which is now in the
+     shape of generals, captains, admirals, lions and other
+     animals.
+
+     "It is singular, or it is not singular, I can't say which,
+     that we who box, wrestle, run and in many ways work our
+     bodies, more than any other nation, have not employed our
+     sculptors to immortalize our athletic heroes. Some of them
+     would make good subjects for the artist. He might strip the
+     boxer or runner naked, if he liked, and exhibit his art in
+     the representation of strength and beauty of form. I have
+     some misgivings about the faces of boxers, which are not
+     remarkable for beauty, but the artist may improve them a
+     little without destroying the likeness; and besides, in a
+     naked figure we look less at the face than at the body and
+     limbs. The champion of England would certainly have had a
+     statue by Lysippus or some artist as good, if he had been
+     lucky enough to live in ancient times.... We shall, of
+     course, want a place to put these statues in, for we may be
+     sure they will not get into the churches, which are only
+     made for statues of fighting men who have killed somebody or
+     ordered somebody to kill somebody.
+
+     "I could go on much longer, but I don't choose. I write to
+     amuse myself, and also to instruct, and when I am tired, I
+     stop. I see no reason why I should exhaust the subject. I
+     should only be giving my ideas to people who have none, who
+     make a reputation out of other folks' brains, who pounce on
+     anything that they find ready to their hand, and flood us
+     with books made only to sell."
+
+It is already, I imagine, abundantly clear that Long would not have much
+liked many things that we do to-day. Writing of "Place and Power," he
+says: "At that very distant time when all members of Parliament shall be
+Andrew Marvells and will live on two hundred a year, poor men may do our
+business for us; but for the present I prefer men who are rich enough to
+live without the profits of place. I wish somebody would move for a
+return of all the visible and invisible means of support which every
+member of the Commons has. I want to know how much every man in the
+House receives of public money, whether he is soldier, sailor,
+place-holder, sinecurist, or anything else; and also how much he has by
+the year of his own." Elsewhere he says: "There is no occasion to print
+any more sermons.... I have always wondered why so much is written on
+the doctrines and principles of Christianity and on good living, when we
+have it done long ago in a few books which we all refer to as our
+authority." And this is good: "I wish Euclid could have secured a
+perpetual copyright. It might have helped the finances of the Greeks."
+
+But I am not proposing to dissect Long's essays; it is the fine rebuke
+to an American publisher that I want to bring to your notice, for there
+Long's habitual serenity takes an edge. His protest runs thus:
+
+     "I have been informed that an American publisher has printed
+     the first edition of this translation of M. Antoninus. I do
+     not grudge him his profit, if he has made any. There may be
+     many men and women in the United States who will be glad to
+     read the thoughts of the Roman Emperor. If the American
+     politicians, as they are called, would read them also, I
+     should be much pleased, but I do not think the emperor's
+     morality would suit their taste.
+
+     "I have also been informed that the American publisher has
+     dedicated this translation to an American. I have no
+     objection to the book being dedicated to an American, but in
+     doing this without my consent the publisher has transgressed
+     the bounds of decency. I have never dedicated a book to any
+     man, and if I dedicated this, I should choose the man whose
+     name seemed to me most worthy to be joined to that of the
+     Roman soldier and philosopher. I might dedicate the book to
+     the successful general who is now the President of the
+     United States, with the hope that his integrity and justice
+     will restore peace and happiness, so far as he can, to those
+     unhappy States which have suffered so much from war and the
+     unrelenting hostility of wicked men.
+
+     "But, as the Roman poet said,
+
+         Victrix causa Deis placuit, sed victa Catoni;
+
+     and if I dedicated this little book to any man, I would
+     dedicate it to him who led the Confederate armies against
+     the powerful invader, and retired from an unequal contest
+     defeated, but not dishonoured; to the noble Virginian
+     soldier, whose talents and virtues place him by the side of
+     the best and wisest man who sat on the throne of the
+     Imperial Caesars.--GEORGE LONG."
+
+That is excellent prose, is it not? The general to whom Long would
+dedicate the edition was Robert Edward Lee, who had then become head of
+the Washington College and survived only until 1870. The President at
+the time that Long wrote was General Grant, to whom Lee surrendered.
+
+One or two anecdotes of Long which have recently come my way would alone
+convince me, apart from the evidence of his record and his writings,
+that here was a very sterling and very independent "character" of whom
+much more should be known. Some day I hope to know more. Meanwhile I
+relate one of the stories. An appeal for cast-off clothing for the poor
+clergy being made, some one took the line that such an appeal was _infra
+dig_. Long smoked, pondered, and thus delivered himself: "But is it not
+paramount that these gentlemen should have trousers?"
+
+
+
+
+A Set of Three
+
+
+The other day I saw three sights, and, although they have no connexion
+with each other, each was in its way sufficiently evocative of thought
+to make that day a little more interesting than most.
+
+It was the first day of the tardy spring of 1917, or rather the first
+day into which had crept those hints that the power of the long, cruel
+war-winter must some day be broken. The sun was almost visible, and a
+tenderness now and then touched the air, and no one who is at all
+responsive to weather conditions could fail to be a little elated and
+believe once more not only in a future of sorts but also in a lurking
+benignancy somewhere. Stimulated myself in this way, even although I was
+approaching a rehearsal of a _revue_, I came suddenly in the King's Road
+upon that disused burial-ground opposite the Six Bells, and was aware
+that, sitting there on seats facing the road, in white aprons and caps,
+with shawls over their shoulders, were five of the saddest old ladies I
+have ever seen--occupants, I presume, of a neighbouring workhouse. There
+they sat, saying nothing, and watching without enthusiasm the passers-by
+and the 'buses and the taxis and all the hurry and scurry of an
+existence from which they are utterly withdrawn and which they will soon
+leave for ever. Being on my frivolous errand, I was pulled up very short
+by the spectacle of five such stallholders as these whom the bigger
+_revue_ which we call life had left so cold; and not only cold, but so
+tired and so white, as life loves to do. There was a poignancy in their
+very placidity, in the folded hands and the incommunicableness of them,
+that was very searching. There was criticism too. Hardly more sentient
+than the mummies which were displayed to the guests at Egyptian feasts,
+they were equally admonitory....
+
+I was glad again to be in the theatre listening to the familiar tones of
+the producer wondering why in thunder no one but himself had the
+faintest respect for punctuality.
+
+Later in the day I saw a blinded officer, with both eyes bandaged, being
+led along Sloane Street. Blinded men are, alas! not rare, and it was not
+the officer himself that attracted my notice, but two fine, upstanding
+young soldiers who as they passed him saluted with as much punctilio as
+though he could see them. Of this salute he was, of course, wholly
+unconscious, but the precision with which it was given, and, indeed, the
+fact that it was given at all, could not but make an impression on the
+observer. It seemed to comprise so thoroughly both the spirit and the
+letter of discipline.
+
+And late that night I watched in the Tube, after the theatres, a man
+and a small eager-faced boy talking about something they had been to
+see. Although sitting exactly opposite them, I have no idea what they
+said, but they amused each other immensely as they recalled this joke
+and that. Nothing extraordinary in this, you will say. But there was.
+The reason why I was so profoundly interested to be a witness of the
+scene was that they were deaf and dumb, and the whole conversation was
+carried on by signs; not by the alphabet that one learnt at school in
+order to communicate during class, but a rapid synthetic improvement
+upon it, where two or three lightning-quick movements--gesture
+grammalogues--sufficed to convey whole sentences of meaning. It is
+perhaps curious, but I had never before been brought into such close
+contact with the deaf and dumb; I have never even been--as, since I
+profess to explore and study London, I should have been--to that church
+in Oxford Street, opposite the great secret emporium, where the deaf and
+dumb worship and by signs are exhorted to be good. Beyond watching that
+boys' school which one sees gesticulating on the Brighton front, I had
+never until this night seen these afflicted creatures in intimate and
+sparkling talk. I found the sight not only interesting, but as cheering
+as those poor old things in the King's Road oasis had been saddening.
+Because the unfortunates were making such a splendid fight for it. No
+boy with every faculty about him could have been gayer or merrier than
+this mute with the dancing eyes; nor can I conceive of a spoken
+conversation that contained a completer interchange of ideas in the same
+space of time.
+
+At Oxford Circus they got out, and left me pondering on deafness and
+dumbness. To be dumb, of course, is, comparatively speaking, nothing;
+for most of the perplexities of life come from talk. But to be deaf--to
+live ever in silence, to see laughing lips moving, to see hands
+wandering over the keys, to see birds exulting, and be denied the
+resultant harmonies: that must be terrible. Yet terrible only to those
+who have known what the solace and gaiety of words and the beauty of
+sound can be. To have been born deaf is different, and I have no doubt
+whatever that the deaf and dumb have delectable lands of their own into
+which we can never stray, where wonderful flowers of silence grow. It is
+even possible, since all the visible world is theirs, that they never
+envy us at all.
+
+
+
+
+A Lesson
+
+
+God--it is notorious--works in a mysterious way to get morality and
+decency into us; which is another way of saying that not all light is
+communicated by the Episcopal bench, by clerks in holy orders, by
+divines who do not conform, or by editors at Whitefield's Tabernacle.
+
+The other day, for example, I had lunch with a very charming actress in
+a pleasant restaurant.
+
+"Rather a funny thing happened the last time I was here," she remarked.
+
+"Yes?" I replied languidly.
+
+"About you."
+
+"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."
+
+"It was also at lunch," she explained. "The people at the next table
+were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man there
+said he had met you in Shanghai."
+
+"Not really!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."
+
+"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"
+
+"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see, I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"
+
+Ever since she told me this I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand, it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.
+
+The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.
+
+What did the man mean? Can we possibly visit other cities in our sleep?
+Has each of us an _alter ego_, who can really behave, elsewhere?
+
+Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact, it has already begun to change it. Let me give you
+an example.
+
+Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had dispatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post office, and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the Postmaster-General himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.
+
+And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly, and apologized, and rewrote the message, and
+gave the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in
+Shanghai one must be delightful at home too.
+
+And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered double in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard some one who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.
+
+
+
+
+=ON BELLONA'S HEM=
+
+(SECOND SERIES)
+
+
+
+
+ON BELLONA'S HEM
+
+
+A Revel in Gambogia
+
+There are certain ebullitions of frivolity about which, during the war,
+one has felt far from comfortable. To read reports of them, side by side
+with the various "grave warnings" which every one has been uttering, is
+to be almost too vividly reminded of England's capacity for divided
+action. But there are also others; and chief among these I should set
+the fancy-dress carnival of munition-workers at which I was privileged
+to be present one Saturday night. Here was necessary frivolity, if you
+like, for these myriad girls worked like slaves all the week, day and
+night, and many of them on Sundays too--and "National filling," as their
+particular task is called, is no joke either--and it was splendid to see
+them flinging themselves into the fun of this rare careless evening.
+
+Fancy dress being the rule, it was only right and proper that there
+should be prizes for the best costumes; and since the lady who shed her
+beneficence over this prismatic throng does nothing by halves, she had
+called in the assistance of two artists to adjudicate. I will not make
+public their names; that would be to overstep the boundaries of decorum
+and turn this book into sheer journalism. But I will say that one of
+them is equally renowned in Chelsea for his distinguished brushwork and
+his wit; and that the other's extravaganzas cheer a million
+breakfast-tables daily. How I, who am not an artist, and so little of a
+costumier that I did not even wear evening dress, got into this _galere_
+is the mystery. I can explain it only by a habit of good fortune, for I
+chanced to be in the studio of the Chelsea artist at the moment when the
+beneficent lady arrived to put her request to him, and, noticing my
+pathetic look, she in her great kindness included me in the invitation.
+
+Deciding on the best costume when there are many hundreds of them, and
+they pass before the dazzled eye in a swift procession of couples, is
+not easy; and only very remarkable men could perform the task. Women
+might find it easier, because they would not be influenced, as one of
+our judges obviously was, by the external claims of personal beauty. A
+woman would look at the costume and nothing else, make her notes with
+scientific precision, and prepare for the next. But when the competitors
+are all--or almost all--girls, and most of them pretty and all jolly,
+why, how can you expect impartiality, especially in artists, and at any
+rate without a struggle? But in spite of the difficulties set up by the
+impact of so much charm upon the emotional susceptibilities of at any
+rate one judge, the process of selecting a first, second, and third was
+accomplished with, I should say--speaking as a calm, detached spectator,
+with all my feelings well under control--absolute equity.
+
+The first prize went to a slender lady of whose features I can say
+nothing because I never saw them, her Eastern costume including a veil
+that covered her face. But it seemed to these not too discerning eyes
+that she was otherwise of an attractive shapeliness. As to her, the
+judges were unanimous; but when it came to the second they were divided.
+The Chelsea judge, again swayed by passion, and possibly recalling old
+triumphs in his Latin Quarter days, preferred a French costume; the
+other was firm for an Indian. What would have happened I dare not think,
+for each was a powerful and determined man, ready to stick at nothing,
+had I not, in my cool-headedness, been inspired to suggest tossing up
+for it, and the result was that, the coin showing heads, the Indian won,
+and the French costume naturally took the third prize. There were then
+two prizes to be awarded for the most original costumes, the previous
+ones having been for the prettiest costumes, and here the winner was a
+jovial lady who with her own hands had transformed herself into an
+advertisement for a certain soup powder.
+
+The iron laws of etiquette (or is it finance?) which so cramp the style
+of any writer who refers to advertisements forbid me to state what
+particular soup powder this was; but according to the hoardings, the way
+in which a pennyworth will nourish and rejoice the human frame is, as
+the Americans say, something fierce. If the applause of the company was
+a guide, this prizewinner is a very popular figure among our "National
+fillers." The second prize went to a very ingenious costume called
+"Tommy's Parcel," consisting of most things that a soldier likes to
+receive, and so thorough in design as to comprise, tied to the lady's
+shoes, two packets of a harmful necessary powder without a copious
+sprinkling of which no trench is really like home. If the approving
+glances at "Tommy's Parcel" from a young officer who was at my side are
+any indication, there are few of our warriors who would not welcome it
+with open arms.
+
+And then--the prizes being all awarded--all these nice girls, on whose
+activities England has been so largely depending for safety, set again
+to partners.
+
+But why, you ask, Gambogia? I thought you would want to know that. It is
+because in the making of munitions at the factory from which these girls
+all come there are certain chemicals which have the effect of turning
+the skin yellow. And among these merry revellers were some thus--but, I
+hope and believe, only temporarily--disfigured. The cheerfulness with
+which they are prepared to run these risks, not to mention others more
+perilous but less menacing to personal vanity, is not the least of the
+finenesses of character which the war has brought out; and the thought
+of that and of their hard work and their gay courage made the spectacle
+of the happy high spirits of this evening of playtime even more a
+satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+The Misfire
+
+
+When I entered the third smoker there was, as there now always is, a
+soldier in one corner.
+
+Just as we were starting, another soldier got in and sat in the opposite
+corner; and within two minutes they knew all about each other's camp,
+destination and regiment, and had exchanged cigarettes.
+
+The first soldier had not yet left England and was stolid; the new-comer
+had been in the trenches, had been wounded in the leg, had recovered,
+was shortly going back, and was animated. His leg was all right, except
+that in wet weather it ached. In fact he could even tell by it when we
+were going to have rain. His "blooming barometer" he called it. Here he
+laughed--a hearty laugh, for he was a genial blade and liked to hear
+himself talk.
+
+The first soldier did not laugh, but was interested. He thought it a
+convenient thing to have a leg that foretold the weather.
+
+"Which one is it?" he asked.
+
+"The left."
+
+The first soldier was disproportionately impressed.
+
+"The left, is it?" he said heavily, as though he would have understood
+the phenomenon in the right easily enough. "The left."
+
+Completely unconscious of the danger-signals, the second soldier now
+began to review his repertory of stories, and he started off with that
+excellent one, very popular in the early days of the war, about the
+wealthy private.
+
+For the sake of verisimilitude he laid the scene in his own barracks. "A
+funny thing happened at our place the other day," he began. He had
+evidently had great success with this story. His expression indicated
+approaching triumph.
+
+But no anticipatory gleam lit the face of his new friend. It was in fact
+one of those faces into which words sink as into sand--a white, puffy,
+long face, with a moustache of obsolete bushiness.
+
+"I thought I should have died of laughing," the narrator resumed,
+utterly unsuspicious, wholly undeterred.
+
+In the far corner I kept my eye on my book but my ears open. I could see
+that he was rushing to his doom.
+
+"We were being paid," he went on, "and the quartermaster asked one of
+the men if he did not wish sixpence to be deducted to go to his wife.
+The man said, 'No.' 'Why not?' the quartermaster asked. The man said he
+didn't think his wife would need it or miss it. 'You'd better be
+generous about it,' the quartermaster said; 'every little helps, you
+know.'"
+
+He paused. "What do you think the man said to that?" he asked his new
+friend. "He said," he hurried on, "'I don't think I'll send it. You see,
+I allow her four thousand a year as it is.'"
+
+The raconteur laughed loudly and leaned back with the satisfaction--or
+at least some of it--of one who has told a funny story and told it well.
+
+But the other did not laugh at all. His face remained the dull thing it
+was.
+
+"You see," said the story-teller, explaining the point, "there are all
+sorts in the Army now, and this man was a toff. He was so rich that he
+could afford to allow his wife four thousand pounds a year. Four
+thousand pounds! Do you see?"
+
+"Oh yes, I see that. He must have been very rich. Why was he just a
+private?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Funny being a private with all that money. I wonder you didn't ask
+him."
+
+"I didn't, anyway. But you see the point now. No end of a joke for the
+quartermaster to try and get a man who allowed his wife four thousand a
+year to deduct sixpence a week to send to her! I thought I should have
+died of laughing."
+
+The first soldier remained impassive. "And what happened?" he asked at
+last.
+
+"What happened?"
+
+"Yes, what was done about it? The sixpence, I mean. Did he agree to send
+it?"
+
+The second soldier pulled himself together. "Oh, I don't know," he said
+shortly. "That's not the point."
+
+"After all," the other continued, "the regulations say that married men
+have to deduct sixpence for their wives, don't they?"
+
+"Yes, of course," the other replied. "But this man, I tell you, already
+gave her four thousand a year."
+
+"That doesn't really touch it," said the first soldier. "The principle's
+the same. Now----"
+
+But I could stand the humiliation of the other honest fellow, so
+brimming with anecdote and cheerfulness, no longer; and I came to his
+rescue with my cigarette case. For I have had misfires myself.
+
+
+
+
+A Letter
+
+(_From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend_)
+
+
+MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came
+my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I
+would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I
+can't.
+
+The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts, and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two
+young fellows want to see you," he said.
+
+Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them.
+
+"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd
+look.
+
+"What do they want?" I asked.
+
+"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the
+doctor."
+
+We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; knocked out by the first route
+march.
+
+"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.
+
+Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"
+
+So I wished them farther and said "Yes"; and in they came.
+
+They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies.
+They held their caps in their hands.
+
+"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my
+brutal way.
+
+"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.
+
+"Of course it can't," I told them. "What use to the Army are weaklings
+who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the machinery. Don't
+you see that?"
+
+"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----"
+
+"Only what?"
+
+"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes"; and they both came closer to me.
+
+"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"
+
+"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud
+of myself for thinking of it.
+
+"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began.
+
+"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in.
+
+"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued.
+
+"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.
+
+"But----" said Red Hair.
+
+"Yes," I replied.
+
+"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?"
+
+"Certainly," I said.
+
+"Well, then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots
+of men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us
+enlist."
+
+"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.
+
+The rum thing is that, although I had been conscious of something odd, I
+never thought they were girls. Directly I knew it, I knew that I had
+been the most unobservant ass alive; for they couldn't possibly be
+anything else.
+
+"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with
+the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do
+as company for you."
+
+"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the
+soldiers.
+
+"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought
+as a man for years and lived to be a hundred."
+
+"And think of Joan of Arc," said Red Hair.
+
+"And Boadicea," said Black Hair.
+
+"Well," I said, "leaving Joan of Arc and Boadicea aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't!"
+
+"Oh!" said Black Hair, who was really rather peculiarly nice. "Then why
+didn't you spot us before?"
+
+One for me.
+
+"I have no doubt I should have done so in a moment more," I said. "The
+fact is"--what cowards we are!--"I was preoccupied when you came in."
+
+Black Hair looked adorably as if she didn't believe it.
+
+"But anyway," I went on, "we must be serious. What would your people
+say?"
+
+"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!"
+
+Here all four of their beautiful eyes grew moist.
+
+I could have hugged both of them, especially perhaps Black Hair, but I
+kept an iron hand on myself.
+
+"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through, how do you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline.
+And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses
+and let your lovely hair grow again."
+
+They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at
+last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it
+(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that
+masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better.
+
+After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something.
+
+I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other.
+
+He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance
+because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been
+running his eye over young women all these years without being able to
+tell them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes.
+
+At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.
+
+"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, sir," he said.
+
+"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?"
+
+"Only about those two young men, sir," he replied.
+
+"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter.
+
+"Better not mention it," I managed to say.
+
+He promised.
+
+There--won't you find that useful?
+
+Yours, C. S.
+
+
+
+
+A Manor in the Air
+
+
+The stately homes of England have ever numbered some very odd names.
+Every one remembers that beautiful Southern retreat whither, to the
+delight of the wags, Mr. Balfour often journeyed for his week-end
+holiday--"Clouds," the seat of the Wyndhams. Could there be a much more
+fascinating name than "Clouds"? And then there is "Wrest," the late Lord
+Lucas's Bedfordshire home, afterwards transformed, how suitably, into a
+hospital for soldiers. And there is that Midland paradise which, in the
+days of placid, even life, the editors of illustrated weeklies always
+recollected with gratitude when they were short of other
+pictures--"Compton Wynyates."
+
+But the new name which I have just discovered, and which fills the
+inward eye with joy, is a house on a smaller scale than these--a
+manor-house rather than a mansion, perhaps one of the smallest that can
+be described as a "gentleman's place," but assuredly that. Somewhere in
+Sussex, western Sussex.
+
+It is not near the station, and to reach it you walk or drive along
+winding roads just now sodden with rain, but smelling of the good wet
+Sussex leaves and mast and soil, with the Downs rising not too many
+miles away in the South. Then a turn into a narrow lane, with the bare
+trees of a copse on either side and a scurrying pheasant in front of
+you, and behold the white gate! There is no lodge--the house is just too
+small for that, as you can now see for yourself, for there it is, under
+the protection of the wood that rises behind it, so quiet and
+self-contained that you almost gasp.
+
+Very old it is, but good for many years more. The frame is of timber and
+plaster, and a Horsham stone roof. These stones are a little damp and
+moss-covered (for our ancestors insisted on building in a hole, or where
+would Friday's fish come from?), and the place is as Tudor as Queen Bess
+herself, in whose reign its foundations were dug. The chimney stacks,
+all smoking with the thin blue smoke of logs, are of tiny Tudor bricks,
+and the chimneys are set not square with the house but cornerways. A
+long low facade with the central door in a square porch; the whole grave
+but serene.
+
+A path of more Horsham stone leads to the door, with thyme and lavender
+springing from the interstices undismayed by the feet of man, and smooth
+lawns on each side, and under the diamond-paned windows a bed where in
+summer would be night stock and lemon verbena and tobacco plant and
+mignonette. On the roof a few white fantails; a spaniel near the door;
+and a great business of rooks in the sky. Through the windows of the
+lower rooms you see the greenery at the back of the house and a
+suggestion here and there of books and pictures--everything that makes a
+house a home.
+
+Beside the house on the right are the stables; and on the other side is
+a dark shrubbery, and beyond that are more lawns and gardens and the
+fish-pond.
+
+Do you see it? Perhaps you have already seen it differently; for how
+could you help forming some mental picture of it when in every carriage
+on the L.B. & S.C.R. is posted up the notice, "Passengers to Lower
+Blinds"?
+
+To me "Lower Blinds," whither all these fortunate passengers are
+journeying, is just such a manor-house as that.
+
+
+
+
+Rivalry
+
+
+When I sat down on the seat facing the Row there was already on it a
+soldier in the familiar blue clothes. He had the red moustache which
+inevitably leads to the nickname of "Ginger," or possibly "Carrots," and
+he was smoking a cigarette. By his side were his crutches. After a
+minute or so a very tall figure, also in blue, hobbled towards us and
+took the space between Ginger and myself.
+
+The freemasonry of arms has, I suppose, always, among rankers, made any
+introduction needless; but there has unhappily come in a new and a super
+freemasonry which goes beyond anything that uniform could do. I mean the
+freemasonry of mutilation. By reason of their wounds these strangers
+were as brothers.
+
+At first they talked hospitals. Then regiments. Then Haig, of whom it
+has so finely and finally been said, by another British hero: "'Aig 'e
+don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say
+don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something--my Gawd!"
+Then they came to grips and mentioned the cause of their
+injuries--bullet or shrapnel. Then the time and the place. Both had been
+hit in the knee, and this coincidence, operating like all coincidences,
+added to their friendliness. Their cigarettes finishing simultaneously,
+Ginger gave Six-foot-two one of his; and Six-foot-two offered his little
+packet to Ginger in exchange.
+
+"Do you often come here?" Ginger asked.
+
+"Every fine day," said Six-foot-two, "unless there's a ride in a brake
+or a free matinee on the tappy."
+
+"I must look you up again," said Ginger.
+
+"Do," said Six-foot-two. "When do you expect to leave?"
+
+"I can't say," replied Ginger. "There's no knowing. You see mine's a
+very extraordinary case." He smiled complacently.
+
+"That's funny. So's mine," said Six-foot-two.
+
+"How do you mean--extraordinary?" the other asked a little sharply.
+
+"Why, the doctors have had so much difficulty with it. It's a unique,
+they say. How many operations did you have?"
+
+"How many did you have?" Ginger replied, with the caution of the
+challenged.
+
+"Go on--I asked you first," said Six-foot-two. "Was it more than eight,
+anyway?"
+
+"It was ten," said Ginger.
+
+"Well, I had eleven," said Six-foot-two proudly. "They went after those
+bullets eleven times. But they're all out now. I had every doctor in the
+place round me."
+
+"So did I," said Ginger, "and one of my bullets isn't out yet. It's
+right in the bone. They're going to try again soon." He had quite
+recovered his good-humour.
+
+"What about your patella?" Six-foot-two inquired after a pause.
+
+"My what?"
+
+"Your patella. Do you mean to say the doctors didn't talk about that?"
+
+"I dare say they may have done, but I don't remember. Still, _our_
+doctors don't talk much--they act."
+
+"Well, so do ours. There aren't better doctors in the world than at our
+place, I can tell you. It's common knowledge. Why, Sir Rashleigh Hewitt
+is there every day--the great Sir Rashleigh Hewitt, the King's doctor."
+
+"Well, the King has more than one. Sir Frank Carver is another, and he's
+at our place day and night. He's a masterpiece."
+
+"I've always understood," said Six-foot-two, "that Sir Rashleigh is at
+the very head of his profession. The nurses say so."
+
+"He may be for some things," Ginger conceded. "But not the knee. Sir
+Frank Carver is the crack knee man. Now if you'd been at our place I
+dare say that one operation would have been enough for you."
+
+"Enough? What rot! How could it be enough, with all the complications? I
+tell you it's a unique, my case."
+
+"Yes, it may be. But what I'm getting at is that it might not be if
+you'd had Sir Frank Carver, the great knee specialist, at it at once."
+
+"Oh, give Sir Frank Carver a rest. Sir Rashleigh Hewitt's good enough
+for me and for anyone else who knows."
+
+"All right," said Ginger. "Keep your hair on!"
+
+"My hair's on right enough," said Six-foot-two. "It's you who are
+getting ratty."
+
+There was a pause, and both lighted new cigarettes, each taking one of
+his own.
+
+"What puzzles me," Six-foot-two began slowly, "is no one saying anything
+about your patella. That's the great marvel of my case--my patella. It's
+full of holes, like a sieve. There's never been one like it before. The
+profession's wild about it. That's what makes me so interesting to
+them."
+
+"Where is it, anyway?" Ginger snapped out.
+
+"In the knee, of course."
+
+"In the knee! Well, if it's in the knee mine must be full of holes too.
+I've got everything you can have in the knee, I tell you. Everything."
+
+"Have they written anything about you in the papers?" Six-foot-two
+asked. "No. Ah," he went on triumphantly, "they have about me. There's a
+medical paper with a piece in it all about my patella. I sent it home
+and they've framed it. It's the most astonishing thing in surgery that
+I should be able to be walking about at all."
+
+"That's what they tell _me_," Ginger replied. "But, anyhow, your bullets
+are all out. I've got another one yet, and by the time that's out I dare
+say I shall have had twenty operations and a whole column in the papers.
+But as for articles in papers, they're nothing. Have you got your X-ray
+photograph?"
+
+"No," Six-foot-two admitted.
+
+"They gave me mine," said Ginger. "I sent it home. It's over the
+mantelpiece, my mother says. People come from miles to look at it. It's
+a pity you didn't get yours. That was foolish of you, if I may say so.
+Well, so long. I'm having tea to-day with one of our grand lady visitors
+in Rutland Gate. If you don't see me here when you come again, the
+chances are I shall be having my next operation. So long!"
+
+"So long!" said Six-foot-two.
+
+Ginger on his crutches moved away.
+
+"Extraordinary," Six-foot-two murmured, either to me or to himself or to
+the Park at large, "how some blokes always want to be the most important
+things in the world."
+
+
+
+
+A First Communion in the War Zone
+
+
+Everyone who has made a stay in Paris or in any French town, and has
+been at all observant, must have noticed, either singly or in little
+groups, that prettiest of the flora and fauna of Roman Catholic
+countries, a "first communicant" in her radiant and spotless
+attire--from white shoes to white veil, and crown of innocence over all.
+One sees them usually after the ceremony, soberly marching through the
+streets, or flitting from this friend to that like runaway lilies.
+Prinking and preening a little in the shop windows, too; and no wonder,
+for it is something to be thus clad and thus important; and never will
+such clothes be worn by these wearers again. Meanwhile the younger
+children envy, and little attendant bodies of proud relations somewhere
+in the vicinity admire and exult.
+
+If I write as if all "first communicants" are little girls, it is
+because it is the little girls who are the most noticeable. And who
+cares about little boys anyway? Yet boys communicate too, and in their
+broad white collars and with their knots of white ribbon they may also
+be seen, although less frankly delighted; indeed, often a little
+self-conscious and ashamed. But the little girls, who know instinctively
+that women are the backbone of the Roman Catholic Church, they are
+natural and full of happy pride; they carry it off with style.
+
+In the spring of 1915 it was my fortune not only to know personally a
+bouquet of these eager little French pietists, but to be present as one
+of the congregation at the great event--their _premiere communion_. It
+was not in Paris, nor in a town at all, but far away in the country, in
+a village where the guns of Verdun could be heard in the lulls of the
+service. There were six little girls in all, and I saw them pass into
+the safe keeping of their new mother, the Church of Rome, and in visible
+token receive from the officiating hands a pictorial certificate so
+chromatically violent that it could not but satisfy any childish eyes
+and, under such conditions of emotional excitement, must ever remain as
+a symbol of their consecration. I heard, too, the cure's address to
+these lambs, in which he briefly outlined the life and character of
+Christ and of certain of the disciples, coming to each with much the
+same tender precision and ecstasy as a fastidious and enthusiastic
+collector to the choicest porcelain.
+
+But what chiefly interested me was the form of the vow which the good
+cure--one of the best of men, who, in September 1914, saw his church
+reduced to ruins and most of his parish destroyed by fire by the
+invading Huns, and never budged from his post--had himself recently
+drawn up for such occasions. What the usual form of such documents is I
+cannot say, but in view of the serious plight of France and the
+renaissance of patriotic fervour in the brave and unconquerable French
+nation, the cure had infused into this one an element of public duty
+hitherto omitted.
+
+At the end of the "jolie ceremonie," as in conversation he called it,
+and as it truly was, I asked him for a copy of this admirable catechism,
+and here are a few of its questions and answers.
+
+The title is "A Promise to be a good Christian and a good Citizen of
+France":
+
+_Q. What is the road to Heaven?_
+
+_A. That which my mother, the Holy Roman Church, shows me. If I follow
+it, I am convinced that, while gaining happiness for myself, I shall
+increase the glory of my family and the honour of my country._
+
+_Q. Does the Church command you to obey the legitimate laws of your
+country?_
+
+_A. Yes; and I must be ready, if needful, to give my blood for her._
+(Poor little white peacocks!)
+
+_Q. On whom do you count to assist you?_
+
+_A. Here, on earth, on my parents and on my instructors. Above, on God,
+on the angels and the saints, and principally on my guardian angel, on
+the holy Saint Peter, and on the blessed Joan of Arc._
+
+_Q. Who are your enemies?_
+
+_A. The enemies of France, and those who, all unenlightened, attack the
+Church._
+
+_Q. What is your ambition?_
+
+_A. To see France victorious and united in a bond of love with the
+Church, to see her add to the tricolour the Image of the Sacred Heart,
+and to see her take soon her place at the head of the nations._
+
+Is not that rather fine? It must be to the good thus to blend religion
+and patriotism. I know that, especially on that soil over which the
+Germans had spread so devastatingly, one could not listen to these fresh
+young voices raised together in such idealism without a quickened
+heart.
+
+
+
+
+The Ace of Diamonds
+
+
+The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about
+it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they
+sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to
+the vocabulary since August 1914 that a glossary, and perhaps more than
+one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of this
+glossary it is almost impossible to understand some of the numerous
+novels of Poilu life.
+
+By no means the least important of these creations is the infinitesimal
+word "as"--or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des
+carreaux" (to give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds.
+To-day all France, with that swift assimilation which has ever been one
+of its many mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. And what is
+this new meaning?
+
+Well "as" has two. Originally it was applied strictly to flying men, and
+it was reserved to signify an aviator who had brought down his fifth
+enemy machine. Had he brought down only four he was a gallant fellow
+enough, but he was not an "as." One more and he was an ace of diamonds,
+that card being the fifth honour in most French games as well as in
+Bridge.
+
+So much for the first and exact meaning of the term. But later, as I
+gather from a number of _La Baionnette_ devoted to its uses, the word
+has been extended to cover all kinds of obscure heroes, the men, and
+they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but do not get into
+the papers or receive medals or any mention in dispatches. We all know
+that many of the finest deeds performed in war escape recognition. One
+does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses
+and all the other desirable tokens of valour are conferred wrongly.
+Nothing of the kind. They are nobly deserved. But probably there never
+was a recipient of the V.C. or the D.S.O. or the Military Cross who
+could not--and did not wish to--tell his Sovereign, when the coveted
+honour was being pinned to his breast, of some other soldier not less
+worthy than himself of being decorated, whose deed of gallantry was
+performed under less noticeable conditions. The performer of such a deed
+is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not public hero.
+
+The "as" can be found in every branch of the army, and he is recognized
+as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant.
+Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be
+numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying
+anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of
+these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that
+chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A."
+
+That satirical child of the war, _La Baionnette_ every week devotes
+itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette an Beurre_, used to do, to one
+theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, usually in the
+army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the war steadily
+occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I find recorded
+an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to tell it here,
+very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before the attack at
+Carency--and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, for he was
+himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbe a regiment was
+assembled, and to them spoke their captain. The scene was the yard of a
+farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure heap in the
+middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two American reapers
+and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a thin predatory
+dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable and now and then
+scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the dwelling-house door; the
+old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, drawn up, listening to
+their captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all hard-bitten, weary,
+all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, and all ready to go
+on for ever.
+
+This is what the captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking
+calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen
+the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant,
+and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to
+attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an
+hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be
+the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed
+at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for
+the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be
+killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn,
+according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at
+Saida before the war. What will be left by the time you have reached the
+point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a
+lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold
+it. Fall out."
+
+That captain was an "as."
+
+
+
+
+The Reward of our Brother the Poilu
+
+
+We often talk of the best poem which the war has produced; and opinions
+usually vary. My own vote, so far as England is concerned, is still
+given to Julian Grenfell's lyric of the fighting man; but if France is
+to be included too, one must consider very seriously the claims of _La
+Passion de Notre Frere le Poilu_, by Marc Leclerc, which may be had in a
+little slender paper-covered book, at a cost, in France, where it has
+been selling in its thousands, of one franc twenty-five. This poem I
+have been reading with a pleasure that calls to be shared with others,
+for it is not only very touching and very beautiful, but it has also
+certain of those qualities which are more thoroughly appreciated in
+company. Beauty and tenderness can make their appeal alone; but humour
+demands two at least and does not resent a crowd, and the humour of
+this little masterpiece is very deep and true.
+
+Did I say I had been reading it? That is to use words with unjustifiable
+looseness; rather should I say that I have been in part reading and in
+part guessing at it; for it is written in the Angevin patois, which is
+far beyond my linguistic capacity. Not that Captain Leclerc is a rustic;
+on the contrary, he is a man of culture and the author of several books,
+chiefly on and about Anjou, one of which has illustrations from his own
+hand; but it has amused him in this poem to employ his native dialect,
+while, since he, like so many French authors, is fighting, the soldierly
+part of it is authentic.
+
+It was a poor devil of a Poilu--it begins--and he went to the war,
+automatically enough, knowing without any words about it that the soil
+which he cultivated must also be defended. That was his duty. After
+suffering the usual ills of the campaign, suddenly a 210 burst near him,
+and he never rallied. He just had time to give a few messages to the
+corporal before he died. "You must tell my wife," he said, "but do it
+gradually; say, I'm ill first. Give what money I have here to my pals,"
+and so forth. Then, after repeating his testament, he passed quietly
+away.
+
+On reaching the gate of Heaven the Poilu finds St. Peter beating the
+mats. "Wipe your shoes," St. Peter says, "and take the right-hand
+corridor. The Judgment Hall is at the end." All trembling, the poor
+fellow passes along the corridor, at the end of which an angel in white
+takes down particulars as to his name, his class, and so forth, and
+tells him that he is expected. Entering the Judgment Hall, the Poilu is
+bewildered by its austerity and splendour. The Good God is at the head,
+between Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin. All the saints are there,
+and the Poilu notices particularly the military ones--St. George, St.
+Hubert, St. Michael, St. Leonard, St. Marcel, St. Charlemagne, St.
+Martin, St. Sulpice, St. Barbe, St. Maurice, and St. Jeanne d'Arc.
+Seeing all these famous soldiers, he exclaims, "It's a Conseil de
+Guerre! Perhaps I can slip away." But escape is impossible, and at this
+moment the Good God tells him to begin his history.
+
+"What did you do before the war?" He asks. The Poilu replies that he
+was a farmer in a very small way; he worked on the land, and he had some
+stock--two oxen, a horse, a cow, a wife, some fowls, "and, saving your
+presence, a pig." "Ah!" exclaims St. Anthony, "a pig! That reminds me!
+Pigs! Sois beni, mon frere." But the Good God frowns, and St. Anthony
+makes himself very small.
+
+And then, the Poilu continues, he became a soldier, which leads to the
+awkward question, had he always behaved himself as such? Alas! it
+appears that he had not. For one thing, he has not always been sober, he
+is confessing, when Noah interrupts with the comment that insobriety is
+not such a very serious affair. In fact, he himself once ... and by this
+time the reader begins to get the drift of this joyous humane fantasy,
+the point being that the hierarchy of Heaven are all on the side of the
+brave simple soldier who has died that France might live. As how could
+they not be? Another time, the Poilu continues, he was sent to prison
+for cutting a piece from his coat in order to mend the seat of his
+trousers--in other words, for injuring Government property; and here St.
+Martin breaks in with indignation at the punishment. "Why, when I did
+very much the same," he says, "and cut my cloak to cover a paralytic, I
+was canonized for it!" And so on.
+
+Then comes a graver note. The Poilu, feeling an effort to be necessary,
+for the Good God has never relaxed His sternness throughout, becomes
+eloquent. Not only was he killed, but before that, he says, he suffered
+much. The hardships of war on the Western front are terrible. He had
+been famished, he had been frozen, he had been burned by the sun. He had
+been sleepless, he had been footsore, and the sweat had poured from him
+under his heavy burdens, for often he had carried not only his own
+haversack but those of his comrades. In short.... But here St. Simon,
+speaking softly to Christ, says, "Like you, Lord, at Golgotha." In my
+prose this is, of course, too crude; but I assure you that in the poem
+it is a great moment. And another follows it, for as the Good God still
+says nothing, the Poilu points to the blue robe of the Blessed Virgin,
+and to the great white beard of the Good God himself, and to the red
+cloak of our Lord, and exclaims, "Voila mes trois couleurs. The three
+colours of France. It was for them that I have lost my life; fighting
+for them has brought me to this Judgment Hall!"
+
+That is fine, is it not? Only the French genius is capable of just such
+a splendid blend of naivete, emotion, and the best kind of
+theatricalism. And at these words at last the Good God smiles, and
+behind Him Heaven opens for the Poilu to enter.
+
+There is a little more--for it seems that Heaven is full of Poilus with
+blue caps, and golden helmets, and wings that remove the possibility of
+getting wet feet or weary feet any more for ever and ever. And our Poilu
+joins these others, who look happy and are happy, and sings with them
+"Glory to God in the highest," while the angels, not perhaps wholly
+without irony, answer, "Peace on earth and goodwill to men."
+
+
+
+
+Note
+
+
+With the exception of a few pages, the longest essay in this book--that
+which gives it its title--is now published for the first time. The
+papers grouped under the headings "Diversions" and "On Bellona's Hem"
+which follow have already appeared in print, in _Punch_ and _The
+Sphere_, but in their present form have been always revised and often
+extended.
+
+PRINTED BY MORRISON AND GIBB LTD., EDINBURGH
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+    | Transcriber's note:                                       |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Page 156: energitic _sic._                                 |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V.  Lucas
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