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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Crankisms, by Lisle de Vaux Matthewman
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Crankisms
+
+Author: Lisle de Vaux Matthewman
+
+Illustrator: Clare Victor Dwiggins
+
+Release Date: December 5, 2006 [EBook #20024]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CRANKISMS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Louise Hope, Mark C. Orton, Fox in the Stars
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+Illustrations are explained at the end of the text.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+           *       *       *       *
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Crankisms
+
+By
+Lisle
+de
+Vaux
+MATTHEWMAN
+
+Pictured
+By
+Clare
+Victor
+DWIGGINS
+
+
+* MCMI *
+HENRY T.
+COATES & CO.
+PHILADELPHIA
+
+
+
+
+Copyright, 1901, by
+Henry T. Coates & Company.
+_All rights reserved._
+
+
+
+
+If I may be permitted to offer a suggestion, the Crankisms
+should be read in the spirit in which sermons are listened
+to--with the object of discovering whom they hit. This will
+furnish amusement, for what is more entertaining than trying
+the cap on others?
+
+The settings speak for themselves; but the author desires
+to express his indebtedness to the artist for having infused
+life into and lent grace to dead bones of words, and for
+having, in many cases, given to those words a deeper and
+more subtle meaning than they themselves could be made to
+express.
+
+L. de V. M.
+
+May,
+1901.
+
+
+
+
+1
+
+The kisses of an enemy are deceitful, but not as deceitful
+as the advice of the friend who is always counseling you for
+your own good.
+
+
+2
+
+The best and the worst in man respond only to woman's
+touch--unfortunately for man.
+
+
+3
+
+Men reason; women do not. Woman has no logic, and judging
+from the use it is to man, is better off without it.
+
+
+4
+
+The present arrangement of society refuses to many the
+means to live, while forbidding them the right to die when
+they wish.
+
+
+5
+
+Woman generally tries to attract a man's eye, and then
+blames him for being caught by prettiness and superficial
+charms. But she rarely tries to appeal to his better self.
+
+
+6
+
+The man who is pockmarked has most to say against freckles.
+
+
+7
+
+Charity covers a multitude of sins which are committed in
+her name.
+
+
+8
+
+Life is full of golden opportunities for doing what we do
+not want to do.
+
+
+9
+
+Never compliment a woman and you will earn her undying
+enmity. Respect is rarely appreciated by her; but
+compliments are always at a premium, even counterfeits being
+accepted as greedily as the real.
+
+
+10
+
+When we grow old we walk unfeelingly over that which we,
+in our youth, madly chased.
+
+
+11
+
+The biggest fool is the one who thinks he can fool others
+with impunity without them knowing and resenting it.
+
+
+12
+
+When we get what we want we are always disappointed to find
+that it is not what we wanted.
+
+
+13
+
+Like does not always worship like: Beauty often worships the
+Beast.
+
+
+14
+
+We were all in the front row when modesty was served out--at
+least we think so.
+
+
+15
+
+Because some men are ruined by intemperance it does not
+follow that all should become abstainers, any more than
+because some men are ruined by marriage all men should
+remain single.
+
+
+16
+
+What men see in women or women in men to admire is generally
+a puzzle to those who know the men and women in question
+intimately.
+
+
+17
+
+The only compliment which a woman really dislikes is that
+which is paid to another.
+
+
+18
+
+Things have changed since Shakespeare's time: men's evil
+deeds we write in sympathetic ink; their virtues on marble
+tombstones.
+
+
+19
+
+Our own weaknesses we regard as misfortunes from which we
+cannot escape; the weaknesses of others we consider crimes.
+
+
+20
+
+No matter how well we do, we are sure to be anxious to
+impress upon others that what we have achieved is trifling--
+compared with that of which we are capable.
+
+
+21
+
+A woman is not a woman merely by reason of her sex, any more
+than an angel is of necessity an angel of light.
+
+
+22
+
+We are quite able, while hating sin, to pity and be
+charitable to the sinner--when we happen to be the sinner
+concerned.
+
+
+23
+
+The commonly accepted idea that a woman of beauty is of
+necessity lacking in mental qualities, must have originated
+in the head of some woman who possessed neither.
+
+
+24
+
+The Devil is not as black as he is painted. In fact, he is
+more like us than we care to admit.
+
+
+25
+
+Faithful are the wounds of a friend; and as it is more
+blessed to give than to receive, we prefer to do the
+wounding.
+
+
+26
+
+  The naked truth and a naked lie
+  Are shocking alike to society.
+
+
+27
+
+A man often envies another man his physical
+qualities--rarely his mental. As we have no soul mirror we
+cannot see the reflection of our spiritual deformities.
+
+
+28
+
+It is easy to have conscientious scruples when they are
+profitable.
+
+
+29
+
+The man who marries for money is a fool, but rarely as big a
+fool as he who marries for love.
+
+
+30
+
+When you have done a man a favor do not insist too earnestly
+that it is a mere trifle, or he may take you at your word
+and not trouble to repay it; which would be very
+disappointing.
+
+
+31
+
+The gentle art of making enemies is the one natural
+accomplishment which is common to all sorts and conditions
+of men--and women.
+
+
+32
+
+What we think of ourselves combined with what others think
+of us is a very fair estimate.
+
+
+33
+
+If a girl cannot make up her mind between two men it is
+because she has no mind worth making up.
+
+Besides, any man who will knowingly be one of two is not
+worth the trouble of thinking about.
+
+
+34
+
+If we devoted as much attention to our own affairs as we
+freely give to those of others, we and others would be
+gainers.
+
+
+35
+
+Merit, like the show inside a circus, is of comparatively
+little use as a drawing card; it is the bluff and buncombe
+the banging drum and megaphone of the barker which is the
+successful magnet.
+
+
+36
+
+We always know what we should do under certain
+circumstances, but unfortunately we never find circumstances
+arranged so as to suit what we do.
+
+
+37
+
+An over sensitive conscience is simply the evidence of
+spiritual dyspepsia. The man who has it is no better than
+his fellows.
+
+
+38
+
+Generosity, as commonly understood, consists in forcing upon
+others that for which one has no use.
+
+
+39
+
+There is a greater difference between really thinking and
+only thinking that we think than most of us think.
+
+
+40
+
+We rashly demand that the devil shall have his due,
+forgetting that if that gentleman gets all that is coming to
+him it will go badly with some of us.
+
+
+41
+
+If women knew themselves as well as they know men--and if
+men knew women as well as they know themselves--things would
+be very much as they are.
+
+
+42
+
+Before he knows a woman a man often thinks her an angel;
+when he knows her he knows--er--better.
+
+
+43
+
+A critic is one who knows perfectly well how a thing should
+be done, but is unable to do it. Therefore we are all the
+keenest critics in matters of which we know least.
+
+
+44
+
+From all enemies and most friends, good Lord, deliver us!
+
+
+45
+
+Everything comes to the man who waits
+
+but that is no inducement to wait-- for no man wants
+everything.
+
+He usually wants one thing in particular-- just that one
+which he never gets, no matter how long he waits.
+
+
+46
+
+When a man has drained the dregs of the bitterness of life,
+hope and fear no longer exist in him, only indifference
+which produces stupefaction.
+
+
+47
+
+Forbidden fruit has no attraction until we know that it is
+forbidden.
+
+
+48
+
+A man can be judged from the theatres he frequents and the
+ladies who accompany him there.
+
+
+49
+
+Criticism grows faint in the presence of successful
+achievement.
+
+
+50-51
+
+A man may confess that his judgment was at fault,
+but
+
+never that his intentions were other than strictly
+honorable.
+
+
+52
+
+Our last match never ignites except when we are sure it will
+not, and are prepared for the worst.
+
+
+53
+
+It is impossible to serve two masters, and few of us try.
+We are satisfied to praise God from whom all blessings flow
+while we cash the checks of Mammon.
+
+
+54
+
+Our own success is due to our indomitable energy and other
+deserving traits; that of others largely to blind luck. With
+our energy and the good luck of others what could we not
+achieve!
+
+
+55
+
+The trouble with most reformers that they waste their time
+and energy trying to reform somebody else.
+
+
+56
+
+We are convinced in our own minds that every man deserves
+what he gets; but, judging from ourselves, not every one
+gets what he deserves.
+
+
+57
+
+If we saw ourselves as others see us we should not believe
+our own eyes; but we should have a still lower opinion of
+the rest of the world than we now have.
+
+
+58
+
+When we care we usually don't dare; when we dare we don't
+often care.
+
+
+59
+
+What sounds so sweet as the human voice--to the one who is
+doing the talking!
+
+
+60
+
+Words may be mere wind, but then so is a tornado.
+
+
+61
+
+Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and the world
+laughs at you.
+
+
+62
+
+A proverbial expression is often a crystallized lie which we
+should like to believe.
+
+
+63
+
+Because everything is for the best it does not follow that
+it is for our best.
+
+
+64
+
+It is easier to moralize than to be moral.
+
+
+65
+
+The difference between an actress on the stage and a woman
+not on the stage is a matter of here and there.
+
+
+66
+
+Ignorance is not so surprising, nor such a mark of
+inferiority, as unwillingness to learn.
+
+
+67
+
+He who grows indignant when his veracity is questioned
+generally has good and sufficient reason therefor.
+
+
+68
+
+Our joys are mainly those of prospect and retrospect.
+
+
+69
+
+It is not to be expected that the average man should know
+what a real woman is like--he so rarely sees one.
+
+
+70
+
+The Chinese promise and never intend to perform; we promise
+and do intend to perform.
+
+The result is about the same.
+
+
+71
+
+Woman regards the criticizing of her sex as her own
+prerogative, and criticizes more bitterly than any man would
+think of doing; but she resents any criticism, no matter how
+just, from man.
+
+
+72
+
+Lambs, it is true, gambol, but in due time they all get
+fleeced.
+
+
+73
+
+What we need is some philosopher to tell us how to be happy
+when we have every reason for being unhappy.
+
+
+74
+
+The most striking trait of the average man is unwillingness
+to be convinced--that we are right and he is wrong.
+
+
+75
+
+If man were so constituted that he could pat himself on the
+back gracefully, or kick himself effectively, he would spend
+most of his spare time doing one or the other.
+
+
+76
+
+Most of us live as if we expected to be judged from our
+epitaph rather than from our conduct.
+
+
+77
+
+The world is a paradise for fools, a purgatory or worse for
+others.
+
+
+78
+
+When we have the capacity of enjoying we have not the reason
+for enjoyment; when we do have good and sufficient grounds
+we no longer have the capacity.
+
+
+79
+
+To be happy, give; to be successful, take; to be happy and
+successful, give and take.
+
+
+80
+
+What a woman admires in a man depends on whether she is
+married or single.
+
+
+81
+
+Confidence given is usually confidence misplaced.
+
+
+82
+
+Women admire the gilded youth because he is a golden calf.
+
+
+83
+
+Even those who do not repeat scandal are generally willing
+to listen to it. Talk of the virtues of another, and, as a
+rule, your hearers will get bored; only hint that you could
+a tale unfold and you will secure perfect attention.
+
+
+84
+
+We forget that once upon a time we were little children; but
+the unpleasant fact that we are big children is being
+constantly forced upon us, together with the moral certainty
+that we shall never be anything else.
+
+
+85
+
+A man considers his little weaknesses amiable traits;
+a woman--a woman will not admit that she has a weakness.
+
+
+86
+
+God's call, through the still small voice, to preach, is
+much more irresistible when megaphoned by a wealthy church.
+
+
+87
+
+Many who sing loud praises to God, pay heavy tribute to the
+devil.
+
+
+88
+
+If the world is, as is so often whined, growing worse, it is
+partly because of our presence in it.
+
+
+89
+
+The counsel of a good book is far superior to that of a man
+who says one thing and does another.
+
+
+90
+
+If other people would only be as reasonable as we are, what
+a heaven this earth would be.
+
+
+91
+
+The world has no sympathy for the gambler who loses.
+
+
+92
+
+Trust in God, but keep a sharp lookout on your friends.
+
+
+93
+
+Tell the truth and you will shame the devil; you will also
+surprise him very often.
+
+
+94
+
+The knowledge that virtue is its own reward is what deters
+many from well doing.
+
+
+95
+
+It requires no particular skill to win the game when Fortune
+has dealt you all the trumps.
+
+
+96
+
+We give much more thought to what is due to us than to what
+is due from us.
+
+
+97
+
+A camel may not be able to pass through the eye of a needle,
+but that does not deter many a lobster from trying to do so.
+
+
+98
+
+The man who sees things as they are is regarded as a madman,
+just as those were formerly looked upon who maintained that
+the earth was round. The average man sees things as they
+seem to be.
+
+
+99
+
+We are all convinced of the righteousness and reasonableness
+of majority rule--when we happen to belong to the majority.
+
+
+100
+
+The greater his trouble, the more a man hugs it to his
+heart.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+           *       *       *       *
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustrations:
+
+Readers who are unable to use the fully illustrated html
+version of this text may wish to view some individual
+pictures, located within the "images" directory of the
+html file. Complete page images are named in the form
+"pageN.png", using the number of each "Crankism" as
+the page number. Drawings alone--without text and its
+surrounding decoration--are named in the form "picN.png",
+or "picNa.png," "picNb.png" for illustrations that were
+made up of separate elements.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Crankisms, by Lisle de Vaux Matthewman
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CRANKISMS ***
+
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