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diff --git a/19349-8.txt b/19349-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6568c07 --- /dev/null +++ b/19349-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2289 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +November 17, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 17, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 22, 2006 [EBook #19349] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +November 17th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +It is rumoured that a gentleman who purchased a miniature two-seater +car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat +playing with it on the mat. + + * * * + +It appears that nothing definite has yet been decided as to whether +_The Daily Mail_ will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham +Hat. + + * * * + +The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster +City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for +cabs at night. Nothing is said about the custom of making a noise like +a five-shilling tip. + + * * * + +We shall not be surprised if Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN becomes the +Viceroy of India, says a gossip-writer. We warn our contemporary +against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor +of the Exchequer would be appointed in his place. + + * * * + +During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the LORD +MAYOR'S coachman was accompanied by the LORD MAYOR. + + * * * + +The licensee of a West Ham public-house has just purchased a parrot +which is trained to imitate the bagpipes. The bird's life will of +course be insured. + + * * * + +Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for +democracy, like the other countries. + + * * * + +Upon hearing that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE had accepted a Government +appointment several members of the Labour Party said that this only +confirmed their contention that his moustache would get him into +trouble one day. + + * * * + +Mrs. STACKPOOL O'DELL warns girls against marrying a man whose head +is flat at the back. The best course is to get one with a round head; +after marriage it can be flattened to taste. + + * * * + +A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself +was remanded at the Guildhall last week. He is thought to be a British +taxpayer going about _incognito_. + + * * * + +The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to +laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess +what the hen was laughing at. + + * * * + +The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now +contains eight hundred different specimens. Visitors are requested not +to tease the germs or go too near their cages. + + * * * + +A large spot on the sun has been seen by the meteorological experts +at Greenwich Observatory. We understand that it will be allowed to +remain. + + * * * + +Mr. RAYMOND FORSDIK, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders +are committed in Chicago than in London. But, under Prohibition, Satan +is bound to find mischief for idle hands. + + * * * + +Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike +weighing twenty-five pounds. In view of the angler's profession we +suppose we must believe this one. + + * * * + +A curate of Bedford Park has had his bicycle stolen from the church, +and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is +difficult to know whom to blame. + + * * * + +"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a _Daily Mail_ headline. We don't know who he +is, but he certainly has our permission. We cannot, however, answer +for Mr. BOB WILLIAMS. + + * * * + +With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his +telephone, we are pleased to say that a great improvement is reported. +The instrument was taken away the other day. + + * * * + +Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet Ministers a contemporary doubts +whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we +are a humane race. + + * * * + +Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the +trade. Meanwhile the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the +rabbit. + + * * * + +"Mine," says General TOWNSHEND, "was a mission which NAPOLEON would +have refused." We doubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn +like that. + + * * * + +Dr. E. HALFORD ROSS, of Piccadilly, is of the opinion that coal +contains remarkable healing powers. Quite a number of people +contemplate buying some of the stuff. + + * * * + +"What does milk usually contain?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say +it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as we know the answer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Boy at Tailor's (to father, who seems to be +impressed with "Jazz" tweed_). "I SAY, DAD, GO SLOW. REMEMBER WHO'S +GOT TO WEAR IT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WITH IT."] + + * * * * * + +=An Indomitable Spirit.= + + "Mr. ----'s tank held only ---- Spirit during the whole climb and + not satisfied with climbing _up_ Snowdon Mr. ---- then drove down + again." _Motoring Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "WHY I DIDN'T GO TO THE BAR. By Horatio Bottomley." "_John Bull_" + _Poster_. + +Perhaps it was after hours. + + * * * * * + + "This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic, beer-eating + Englishman."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an author's +dietary. + + * * * * * + + "What the word 'Democracy' was intended to mean was that every + man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf." _Local + Paper_. + +We have long suspected this. + + * * * * * + + "MILWAUKEE.--Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of + brandies, gin and wines were found stored in a bathhouse. It will + be presented to the federal grand jury for action." _Canadian + Paper_. + +Not the obvious form of "direct action," we trust. + + * * * * * + +=HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.= + +_A hint of what might be done by following the example of the Press_. + + ["More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been + searching round frantically in his efforts to find a new play." + _The Times_.] + + Oh, have you marked upon the breeze + The wail of hunger which occurs + When starved theatrical lessees + Commune with hollow managers? + "Where is Dramatic Art?" they say; + "Can no one, _no one_, write a play?" + + I cannot think why this should be, + This bitter plaint of sudden dearth; + To write a play would seem to me + Almost the easiest thing on earth. + Sometimes I feel that even I + Could do it if I chose to try. + + What! can this Art be in its grave + Whose form was lately so rotund, + Whose strength was as a bull's and gave + No sign of being moribund? + I'm sure my facts are right, or how + Do you account for _Chu Chin Chow_? + + As for the gods, their judgment shows + No loss of _flair_ for grace or wit; + We see the comic's ruby nose + Reduce to pulp the nightly pit, + Whose patrons, sound in head and heart, + Still love the loftiest type of Art. + + Nor should the playwright fail for lack + Of matter, if with curious eyes + He follows in our Pressmen's track, + Who find the source of their supplies + In Life, that ever-flowing font, + And "give the public what they want." + + If authors, moving with the times, + Would only feed us, like the Press, + On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes, + Scandals and all that carrion mess, + I see no solid reason why + Dramatic Art should ever die. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.= + +II.--MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + +If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies have crept into the +sketch which is here given of a great statesman's personality I can +only say, "_Humanum est errare_," and "_Homo sum: humani nihil alienum +a me puto_." These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably soothe all +angry passions; you have only to try their effect the next time you +stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Underground +train. + +Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few, +upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is displayed, +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is probably the most assiduous worshipper at the +great Corsican's shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at +the War Office, peering forward with that purposeful dominating look +on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite +effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a +stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. "Bust that dust," +says the WAR MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a +genial smile, "I should say, Dust that bust." + +But NAPOLEON'S is not the only head that adorns Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head, +such as one may sometimes see in the shop windows of hatters, and +close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an +adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and +similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the +WAR MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for, +contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the +headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandringham +hat of _The Daily Mail_, and lives always in hopes of modelling the +ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others +for centuries to come. The work of a great statesman lives frequently +in the mindful brain of posterity, less frequently upon it. + +Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are +a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed +photograph of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester, a map of Mesopotamia +with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of +Eden, marked by paper flags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which +the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his +famous African tour. In his more playful moments the WAR MINISTER has +been known to clothe himself completely in one of these skins and +growl ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder. + +Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is +dynamic energy. Whether other people's energy is ever dynamic I do not +know, but undoubtedly Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he +quells. He is like one of those people in the papers with zig-zags +sticking out all over them because they have been careful to wear an +electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes one can almost hear him +crackle. + +As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he +has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer, though his +unbounded success in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows what his +capabilities as a Chancellor are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and +a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence, and as an author and +journalist his voice is already like a swan's amongst screech-owls. +(I admit that that last bit ought to have been in Latin, but I cannot +remember what the Latin for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that it +increases in the genitive, but quite possibly I may be thinking of +dormice.) + +Anyhow, to return to Mr. CHURCHILL'S room: whilst the floor is +littered with volumes that have been sent to him for review, his +desk is equally littered with proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and +leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has +scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he +was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who asked +ignorantly, "Am I speaking to the statesman or the author?" + +"Not _or_, but _and_," replied the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, with a +simple dignity like that of ST. AUGUSTINE. + +To poetry he is not greatly attached, preferring to leave this field +of letters to his staff. When asked for his favourite passage of +English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr. +HILAIRE BELLOC'S _Modern Traveller_-- + + "That marsh, that admirable marsh!" + +which is far from being Mr. BELLOC'S most mellifluous effort. + +We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for +Mr. CHURCHILL'S ebullient activity. Remembering that bust upon his +mantelpiece it is hard to say. There are some who consider that, +prevented by the sluggishness of our times from the chance of +commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at +last to the position of Postmaster-General. If he does there can be no +man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum. + +K. + + * * * * * + + "A.--Comme vous voudrai.--P." + + _Agony Column in Daily Paper_. + +Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness we may say that we prefer +"_voudrez_." + + * * * * * + + "A TRUE FISHING STORY. + + Lady ---- is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a + shot. Last Friday, I am told, she caught two trout weighing 2-3/4 + lb. and 3-1/4 lb. And on the same afternoon she got a right and a + left hit at a roebuck with a small four-bore gun!"--_Daily Paper_. + +Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant, +we are glad to note that the epithet "true" is only applied to the +"fishing" part of the story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =THE ABYSMALISTS.= + +BRITISH EXTREMIST. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?" + +VOICE OF RUSSIAN BOLSHEVIST FROM BELOW. "DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE +BOURGEOISIE." + +BRITISH EXTREMIST. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT?" + +VOICE FROM BELOW. "YOU DON'T."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _French Visitor_ (_inspecting artificial silk +stockings_). "SOIE?" + +_Shopman_ (_formerly of the B.E.F., resourcefully_). "WELL, SCARCELY, +MADAM; SHALL WE SAY 'SOI-DISANT'?"] + + * * * * * + +CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS. + +"THE GRAVE OF THE BOORZH-WAW-ZE." + + [The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult) + version of the ballad which, according to _The Times_, is now + being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian + Schools, with the refrain:-- + + "Class-conscious we are singing, + Class-conscious all are we, + For Labour now is digging + The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze." + +The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas, but you know what +folk-songs are.] + + Look, we are digging a large round hole, + _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ + To put the abominable tyrant in-- + The Minister, the Master, the Mandarin; + And never a bloom above shall blow + But scarlet-runners in a row to show + _That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, + With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_ + + Who do we put in the large round hole, + _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?_ + The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws, + Who works with his head instead of with his paws; + The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor, + The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there, + _Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, + With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_ + + Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big, + _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ + One great cavity, and then one more + For the bones of the SECRET'RY OF STATE FOR WAR; + The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS, + We wring their necks and we fling them from us + _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, + With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_ + + Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line, + _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ + But nobody, of course, can co-exist + In the same small planet with a Communist; + Man is a brotherhood, that we know, + And the whole damn family has got to go + _Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, + With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_ + + Too many people are alive to-day, + _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ + Red already is the Red, Red Sea + With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze, + And that's what the rest of the globe will be-- + _Believe me!_ + We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled* + In a perfectly void vermilion world + With the citizens (if any) who have _not_ been hurled + _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, + With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!_ + +A. P. H. + + [* NOTE.--In the Somerset version the word is + "_un_furled," which makes better sense but scans even worse + than the rest of the song. I have therefore followed the + Gloucestershire tradition.] + + * * * * * + +SOURCES OF LAUGHTER. + +"It will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it's funny," +said George. + +This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good +heart, professed to find it diverting already. Unfortunately she has +no sense of humour. + +Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the +writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove +gravity (as they say in _The Wallet of Kai Lung_) from other people +quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming +some brilliant and successful humorists. + +The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment. + +When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of +puns. + +"We've got rather beyond that, I think," said the victim with dignity. + +"I'm not so sure," said George cruelly, "that you can afford to +neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this +twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours." + +"And I can tell you why," broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his +pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology and whirled over the pages. + +"Meanwhile," said George learnedly, "BERGSON may be of some assistance +to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it." + +"Why couldn't he leave it alone?" said Allegra uneasily. + +"He defines laughter," said George, "as 'a kind of social gesture.'" + +"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At least," she added, "that sort of +thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up." + +"Well, then, here's something more practical," said George. "Listen. +'A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same +time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the +same time be interpreted in two different ways.'" + +"I should think," said Edna brightly, "that might be very amusing." + +She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she +showed signs of relief when Raymond interrupted, having found his +place. + +"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The book says that the reason a pun +amuses you----" + +"It doesn't amuse me," said most of the company. + +"But it does--it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and +white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you is as follows: 'It impels +the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. This obstructs the +flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and +the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case +may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed +and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the +occasion demands that----'" + +"And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly. + +The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs. +Purkis, the charlady, who "comes in to oblige," and was now taking +a short cut to the front gate, under Cook's escort, by way of the +parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were +taking tea on the lawn. + +When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself +understood, her words were these: "I dunno why, but when I see +'im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died +a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it made me _larf_----" + +She passed, like _Pippa_. + +"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter envy. "_She doesn't know +why._" + +And Allegra burst into tears. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Fisherman._ "I SUPPOSE THIS RAIN WILL DO A LOT OF +GOOD, PAT?" + +_Pat._ "YE MAY WELL SAY THAT, SORR. AN HOUR OF UT NOW WILL DO MORE +GOOD IN FIVE MINUTES THAN A MONTH OF UT WOULD DO IN A WEEK AT ANNY +OTHER TIME."] + + * * * * * + +What's in a Name? + + "'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known + Elocutionist)." + + _Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +AT THE BLOATER SHOW. + +The last time I was at Olympia--as everybody says at the door--it was +a Horse Show. But this time it is much the same. There they stand in +their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their +glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators +sniffing for something over the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they +are, to be out in the open again; and yet I fancy they enjoy it all +in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not; for, after all, the +whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of the Show is +to let the motors inspect the bloaters--and not what you think. (You +don't know what bloaters are? Well, I can't explain without being +rude.) + +All the year round they can study _ad nauseam_ their own individual +bloaters; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole +world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only +can they compare notes and exchange grievances. + +And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a +blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her. +They are very new bloaters, and one of them--oh, horror!--one of them +is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He +will drive her to death; he may even drive her himself; he will stroke +her lovely coat in a familiar, proprietary fashion; he will show her +off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the +water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible +intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most private secrets +of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be +sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be +understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will scratch her +paint; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions--not from pipes; +cigars only.... + +There--he has bought her. It is a tragedy. Let us move on. + +Here is a little _coupé_--a smart young creature with a nice blue +coat, fond of town, I should say, but quite at home in the country. +She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In +fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of +nice-mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something +to do with that war, I should think; the _coupé_ would help him a good +deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes +her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent +and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised, +for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom +in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her +himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies +and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve +him very nobly. + +Already, you see, they have given her a name--"Jane," I think they +said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer +comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick +forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her; +and she will love them. + +But the question is----Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are +edging away. She is too much. They look back sadly as they go. Another +tragedy.... + +Now I am going to be a bloater myself. Here is a jolly one, though her +stable-name is much too long. She is a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she +only costs £2,125 (why 5, I wonder--why not 6?) I can run to that, +_surely_. At any rate I can climb up and sit down on her cushions; +none of the grooms is looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. That is +the sort of car I love. I am like the lady herring; I don't approve +of all this talk about the _insides_ of things; it seems to me to be +rather indecent--unless, of course, you do it very nicely, like that +young herring. When you go and look at a horse you don't ask how its +sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then +why should you...? + +Well, here we are, and very comfortable too. But why does none of +these cars have any means of communication between the owner and +the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a telephone to the +chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the +host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed +he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks +he is being asked if he is warm enough. + +Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark +and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here. + + * * * * * + +What? What's that? No, I don't really want to buy it, thank you. I +just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact +I think it is. But I don't like the colour. And what I really want is +a _cabriolet_. Good afternoon. Thank you.... + +A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She +would have liked me. So would he, I expect. + +Well, we had better go home. I shan't buy any more cars to-day. And +we won't go up to the gallery; there is nothing but oleo-plugs and +graphite-grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance. + +Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was---- Hallo, they have +come back--the two nice herrings. They are bargaining--they are +beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on--go on. Yes, you +can run to that--_of course_ you can. Sell those oil shares. Look at +her--_look_ at her! You can't leave her here for one of the bloaters. +He wavers; he consults. "Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's done it! He +has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah! + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS. + +Some time ago the PREMIER beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and +now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the +stream is cooling--indicating comfort, let us hope, to any who may be +buried beneath it. Only by an oversight, we understand, did he omit to +mention in his speech at the Guildhall that the chamois is once more +browsing happily among the blooming edelweiss. + +But in continuing his lofty metaphors Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will find +himself confronted by no small difficulty when dealing with the +glacier. What can he say that the glacier is doing? It must do +something. A glacier is of no rhetorical value if it merely stays +where it is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the +alpenstock of enterprise and pull over one's boots the socks of +Coalition, but the glacier remains practically unchanged by these +preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven +surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its +crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because +the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and +statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to +announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of +a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very +careful Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may make a grave slip in negotiating the +glacier. + +Then the "awful avalanche" has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful +words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to +make for when it begins to move might be welcomed by the PREMIER'S +followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trouble half-way, +but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the +opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he +cannot (so we are informed) escape the avalanche. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION.= + +"HELLO, OLD FRIGHT--HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AGES!" + +"WE MUST HAVE ONE." [entering SHIRT MAKER'S Establishment] + +"WHAT'S YOURS?" "THINK I'LL HAVE A COLLAR." + +"TWO COLLARS, PLEASE--SEVENTEENS." "CHEERIO!" + +"NOW YOU MUST HAVE ONE WITH ME. WHAT ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?" "NO, NO, +IT'S TOO EARLY." "THE SAME AGAIN, THEN?" "WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE +THIS TIME." + +"SAME AGAIN, PLEASE--ONLY SOFT." + +"BYE-BYE! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Magistrate._ "BUT, MR. GOLDSTEIN, WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR +HOUSE AND YOUR BUSINESS IN YOUR WIFE'S NAME?" + +_Mr. Goldstein._ "WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT A BEESNESS MAN."] + + * * * * * + +THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA. + +The man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound +time-honoured legends is bound to make enemies. + +The latest legend I have been privileged to explore is not the product +of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth +of comparatively recent origin. It is concerned with Barbara, not the +impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an +extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I +have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's +Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara's mother. + +From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first attempted +articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful +things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting +stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached +me through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still +fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until +an addition was made to the rule relating to offences punishable by a +round of drinks. + +On my brief visits home I would wait expectantly for the brilliant +flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's +lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation +I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the +category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for +over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She +talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but +seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a _jeu +d'esprit_ that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless +until a few days ago I was still constantly being informed--chiefly +by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother--of the "killing" +things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had +no proof, and it was only by accident that I was at last enabled to +prick the bubble. + +Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come +to tea and was chatting in the drawing-room with Suzanne (who besides +being Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and my wife) and Barbara +(whose relationship all round has been sufficiently indicated). +The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the +opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle +of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was +confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less +on the following lines:-- + +_Julia._ Where's Father, Babs? + +_Barbara._ In the libery. + +_Julia._ Working hard, I suppose? + +_Barbara._ Yes. + +_Julia._ Or do you think he's sleeping? (_No answer._) Don't you think +father's probably asleep half the time he's supposed to be working? + +_Barbara._ Probly. What you got in that bag? + +_Julia._ I expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too +comfy for real work. + +_Barbara._ I've eated up all those choc'lates you did bring me. + +_Julia._ Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father +writes in his sleep? + +_Barbara._ Yes, I fink he does. + +_Julia._ Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he's +working. Don't you, Babs? + +At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving +the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea. Julia was +handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch +inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty +affirmative. + +"You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you," said +Julia. + +"Oh, and what does Barbara say?" I asked. + +"She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he +usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing +notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird." + +"So Barbara says I write in my sleep?" + +"Yes, you heard her, didn't you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that +the other day, during that heavy thunderstorm, she said that the +angels and the devils must be having a big battle and that she +supposed the angels would soon be going over the top?" + +"Come here, Barbara," I said. + +Barbara, who at her too fond aunt's request had been granted the +privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half +of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came. + +"Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. "You shall +have one as soon as we've had a little talk." + +"The biggest and pinkiest one?" demanded Barbara. + +"Yes. Now tell me--don't you think that people ought always to speak +the truth, and to be especially careful not to distort the remarks of +others?" + +"Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?" + +"Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more +careless of the truth than men?" + +"Yes. Can I----" + +"Do you love your Aunt Julia?" + +"Yes." + +"Why?" + +"Cos she always has got choc'lates in her bag." + +"But don't you think it's much more important to have the truth in +your heart than chocolates in your bag?" + +"Yes. Now can I have my pink cake?" + +I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind. +Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who is +Barbara's godfather, came in. + +"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" he observed to Barbara in his +best godfatherly manner. "I suppose we shall soon be going to school?" + +"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed. "The fact is she's already +far too forward, and we think it a good thing to keep her back a bit. +You'd never believe the amazing remarks she makes. Just now, for +instance, we happened to be discussing the comparative love of truth +inherent in men and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she +thought women were far more careless of the truth than men." + +"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. "She +certainly hit the nail on the head there." + +"Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates." + +"It sounds almost incredible," gasped Tom. + +"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell +you what Barbara remarked about my work." + +But Julia, who was already gathering her furs about her, followed up +an unusual silence by a sudden departure. + +From what Suzanne has since refrained from saying I am confident that +I've broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the +fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down) +to a spurious halo of precocity. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE.= + +_Small Boy_ (_much impressed_). "THE TICKET-COLLECTOR SAID 'GOOD +EVENING' TO DAD." + +_Mother._ "YES, DEAR, HE ALWAYS DOES. AND PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE GOOD, +HE'LL SAY THE SAME TO YOU--WHEN YOU'VE TRAVELLED ON THIS LINE FOR +TWENTY-FIVE YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "DEPARTURE OF THE LIEUT.-GOVERNOR. + ENTHUSIASTIC SCENES." + + _Channel Islands Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of + the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the + 'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing + hopes."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL CARETAKERS. + + ["A LADY is willing to give a thoroughly-good HOME to a GRAND + PIANO (German make preferred), also a COTTAGE, for anyone going + abroad."--_Morning Paper._] + +A GRAMOPHONE of small to medium age can be received as p.g. in select +RESIDENTIAL HOTEL. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables. + + * * * * * + +WILL any LADY or GENTLEMAN offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera +for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE CORNET suffering from chronic +asthma (slight)? + + * * * * * + +BAG-PIPES (sisters) in reduced circumstances owing to the War, seek +sit. as COMPANIONS or MOTHER'S HELPS, town or country. + + * * * * * + +From a list of forthcoming productions:-- + + "THEATRE ROYAL, ----. Boo Early." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "AND HOW IS YOUR DEAR MOTHER, TO-DAY?" + +_Child of the Period._ "OH, SHE'S ROTTEN."] + + * * * * * + +YARNS. + + When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still, + And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill, + And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride + Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide, + + Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do + In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo, + Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down + In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town. + + Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear-- + Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near, + In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round, + From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound, + + With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so, + And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go, + And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then, + For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen. + + And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please, + Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas, + Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West, + And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best, + + Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told, + In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old, + Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue + And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young. + + Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys, + But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise, + Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars, + Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars? + + No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do, + Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo, + Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again, + But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen. + + C. F. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =WORTH A TRIAL.= + +ULSTERMAN. "HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT +LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH." + +SOUTHERN IRISHMAN. "I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL." + +ULSTERMAN. "OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE MOVES +WITH ME ON HIS BACK."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 8th._--To allay the apprehensions of Sir JOHN REES +the PRIME MINISTER informed him that the League of Nations can do +nothing except by a unanimous decision of the Council. As the League +already includes thirty-seven nations, it is not expected that its +decisions will be hastily reached. Now, perhaps, the United States +may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the +allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico. + +The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish "reprisals" met +with its daily refusal. The PRIME MINISTER referred to "unfortunate +incidents that always happen in war"--the first time that he has used +this word to describe the situation in Ireland--and was confident that +the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. DEVLIN, who complained +that his office had been raided, being one of them), "men engaged in a +murderous conspiracy." He declined to hamper the authorities who were +putting it down. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD +excused his lack of information about recent occurrences with the +remark that "an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing +assassins." Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY observed that the proceedings were "just like the German +Reichstag during the War." "Were you there?" smartly interjected +General CROFT. + +[Illustration: OBERLEUTNANT KENNWÜRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG + +(IN THE IMAGINATION OF GENERAL CROFT).] + +The Government of Ireland Bill having been recommitted, Sir +WORTHINGTON EVANS explained the Government's expedient for providing +the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that +the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable scheme--an elected +Senate would fail to protect the minority and a nominated Senate would +be "undemocratic"--he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be +entrusted with the task. + +Having regard to the probable composition of the Council--half Sinn +Feiners and half Orangemen--Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no +chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken +heads or some other malady. Sir EDWARD CARSON, however, in an +unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was +assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of +British dictation they would "shake hands for the good of Ireland." +The clause was carried by 175 to 31. + +[Illustration: "TWO BY TWO." + +SIR E. CARSON AND MR. DEVLIN.] + +On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern +Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. ASQUITH +declared that "this musty remainder biscuit" had reduced him to +"rhetorical poverty." Perhaps that was why he could get no more than +ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it. + +[Illustration: THE OLD SHEEP-DOG. + +_Mr. ASQUITH._ "TUT-TUT! TO THINK THAT I COULD ONLY ROUND UP TEN OF +'EM!"] + +_Tuesday, November 9th._--In supporting Lord PARMOOR'S protest against +the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish +Executive, Lord BUCKMASTER regretted that there was no one in the +House of Lords responsible for the Irish Office, and consequently +"they were always compelled to accept official answers." A strictly +official answer was all he got from Lord CRAWFORD, who declared that +the arrest had been made under the authority of D.O.R.A., and gave +their Lordships the surely otiose reminder that "conditions were not +quite simple or normal in Ireland just now." + +Mr. SHORTT has formed his style on the model of one of his +predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home +Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel BURN'S alarm at the +prevalence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had +always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even +Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE'S recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts +did not at that moment disturb him. + +The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough passage, and, if +the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly +have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the +proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. MYERS, however, was +sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that "rates and taxes +must be saved though the people perished," and declared that there was +plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon. + +Lieut.-Colonel HURST objected to the term "working-class" in the Bill. +It would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England +were divided into two classes--the leisured class and the working +class; whereas everybody knew that most of the "leisured class" had no +leisure and many of the "working-class" did no work. + +_Wednesday, November 10th._--The Peers welcomed Lord BUXTON on his +advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights +of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany +against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles +would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty +has resulted in the island being swamped by German workmen employed in +destroying the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new +electoral law requiring three years' residence would safeguard the +islanders from being politically submerged, and wisely did not enter +into the question of how long the island itself would remain after the +fortifications had disappeared. + +In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY underwent his usual Wednesday +cross-examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity. +When an hon. Member, whose long and distinguished Indian service began +in the year in which Mr. MONTAGU was born, ventured to suggest that +he should check Mr. GANDHI'S appeals to ignorance and fanaticism, +he tartly replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous +things, "whether in India or on the benches of this House." + +Mr. STEWART expressed anxiety lest under the new arrangements +with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should be subjected to Egyptian +interference. Mr. HARMSWORTH was of opinion that for geographical +reasons the Sudan would always be able to look after its own +water-supply; _vide_ the leading case of _Wolf_ v. _Lamb_. + +_Thursday, November 11th._--The PRIME MINISTER was in a more +aggressive mood than usual. Mr. DEVLIN, who was noisily incredulous as +to the existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was +advised to wait for the documents about to be published. To make +things even, an ultra-Conservative Member, who urged the suspension +of Mr. FISHER'S new Act, was informed that the PRIME MINISTER could +conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that +it could not afford to give children a good education. + +Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third +Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of +the debate. The possibility that the "Unknown Warrior" might have been +an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. ADAMSON +feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and +Mr. ASQUITH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more +generous to Irish aspirations, there was no sting in either of their +speeches. The PRIME MINISTER, while defending his scheme as the best +that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did +not bang the door against further negotiations; and Sir EDWARD CARSON +said that Ulstermen were beginning to realize that the Parliament +thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the +hope that in working it they would set an example of tolerance and +justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the +division, and no Irish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was +carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the +unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign. +After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at +any rate, no longer a party question. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOW, SERIOUSLY, MR. WIGGINS, CAN YOU RECOMMEND THE +LAMB THIS WEEK?" + +"WELL, MA'AM, IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT FOR. IF YOU WERE +THINKIN' OF EATIN' IT, SPEAKIN' AS MAN TO MAN, I SHOULD SAY 'NO.'"] + + * * * * * + +Jones minor wants to know if the letter "T," used to designate the new +super-bus, stands for "TARQUINIUS." + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT IDEA. + +Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the +Tube yesterday. + +"Our little world," he said, "is turned topsy-turvy." + +"Knocked absolutely sideways," I replied. + +"Those who were rich in the old days," said Perkins, "haven't two +sixpences to rub together, and the world's workers are rolling in +Royces and having iced méringues with every meal. What follows?" + +"Indigestion," I said promptly. + +"Everybody," he said, ignoring my _jeu d'esprit_, "feels like a fish +out of water, and discontent is rife. The newly-poor man wishes he had +in him the stuff of which millionaires are made, and the profiteer +sighs for a few pints of the true ultramarine Norman blood, as it +would be so helpful when dealing with valets, gamekeepers and the +other haughty vassals of his new entourage. And that is where my +scheme comes in. There are oceans of blue blood surging about in the +veins and arteries of dukes and other persons who have absolutely no +further use for such a commodity, and I'm sure lots of it could be had +at almost less than the present price of milk. So what is to prevent +the successful hosier from having the real stuff coursing through the +auricles and ventricles of his palpitating heart, since transfusion is +such a simple stunt nowadays?" + +"And I suppose," I said, "that you would bleed him first so as to make +room for the new blood?" + +"There you touch the real beauty of my idea," said Perkins. "The +plebeian sighs for aristocratic blood to enable him to hold his own in +his novel surroundings; the aristocrat could do with a little bright +red fluid to help him to turn an honest penny. So it is merely a case +of cross-transfusion; no waste, no suffering, no weakness from loss of +blood on either side." + +I gasped at the magnitude of the idea. + +"I'm drawing up plans," Perkins continued, "for a journal devoted +to the matter, in which the interested parties can advertise their +blood-stock for disposal, a sort of 'Blood Exchange and Mart.' The +advertisements alone would pay, I expect, for the cost of production. +See," he said, handing me a slip of paper, "these are the sort of ads. +we should get." + +This is what I read:-- + +"Peer, ruined by the War, would sell one-third of arterial contents +for cash, or would exchange blood-outfits with successful woollen +manufacturer.--5016 Kensington Gore, W. + +"To War Profiteers. Several quarts of the real cerulean for disposal. +Been in same family for generations. Pedigree can be inspected at +office of advertiser's solicitor. Cross-transfusion not objected to. +Address in first instance, BART., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C. + +"Public School and University Man of Plantagenet extraction would like +to correspond with healthy Coal Miner with view to cross-transfusion. +Would sell soul for two shillings.--A. VANE-BLUDYER, 135, Down (and +Out) Street, West Kensington, W." + +"Makes your blood run cold," I said, handing back the paper. + +"Not it," he said, detaching himself from the strap as the train drew +into King's Cross; "not if the operation's properly performed." + + * * * * * + +A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND. + + I. + + Percy is a partridge bold + Who in Autumn, so I'm told, + Dwells among the turnip roots + And assists at frequent shoots, + Really I have seldom heard + Of a more precocious bird; + Possibly his landlord's not + What you'd call a first-rate shot, + And his pals, though jolly chaps, + Are not quite so good perhaps; + Still, he thinks their aim so trashy + That, I fear, he's getting rash. He + Even perches on the end + Of the gun my poor old friend + Bill employs for killing game. + True he's very blind and lame, + And he's well beyond the span + Meted out to mortal man, + And his gout is getting worse + (Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce); + Still, if he won't mend his ways, + One of these fine Autumn days + I'm afraid there's bound to be + Quite an awful tragedy. + He'll be shot--I'm sure he will + (Meaning Percy now, not Bill). + + II. + + Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies! + In the dust our hero lies. + Weeping-willow, bow thy head! + Our precocious fowl is dead. + Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for + Perce the Partridge is no more! + + Now, as long as he was ready + Just to sit, sedate and steady, + On the barrel of the gun + Little mischief could be done; + But on that sad morn a whim + Suddenly seized hold of him; + 'Twas the lunatic desire + To observe how shot-guns fire; + So he boldly took his stand + Where the barrel ended, and, + All agog to solve the puzzle, + Poked his napper up the muzzle. + + Well, the weapon at the minute + Chanced to have a cartridge in it, + And it happened that my friend + Bill was at the other end, + Who with calm unflurried aim + Failed (at last) to miss the game. + + With the tragic tale of Percy's + Death I meant to close these verses, + But we see quite clearly there, too, + Other ills that Bird is heir to. + He has also lost, you see, + Individuality; + Perce the Partridge, named and known, + With an ego all his own, + Disappears; and in his place + There remains but "half-a-brace." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Landlord._ "GEORGE, BILLIARDS WILL BE +EIGHTEENPENCE A HUNDRED." + +_Potman._ "THAT'S MORE'N THEY PAID BEFORE, SIR." + +_New Landlord._ "WHAT DID THEY PAY?" + +_Potman._ "WELL, IT _WAS_ A BOB, BUT THEY MOSTLY SNEAKED OUT THROUGH +THAT DOOR."] + + * * * * * + +=Situations to Suit all Ages.= + + "Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for invoicing department of West + End wholesale firm."--_Daily Paper._ + + "Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of age, to undertake all + household duties, country residence."--_Scottish Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"DICK WHITTINGTON, 1920. + + And, last of all, here is Dick WPhittington, otherwise known as + Alderman Roll, Lord Mayor of London."--_Evening Paper._ + +But for the headline we should never have recognised him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Beginner._ "I HOPE TO HEAVEN I'VE GOT THE LABELS +ON THE RIGHT STICKS, OR I'M DONE!"] + + * * * * * + +BEAU BRIMACOMBE. + +"Well, Uncle Tom," I said, leaning over the gate, "and what did you +think of London?" + +On Monday morning Uncle Tom Brimacombe had driven off in his trap with +his wife to the nearest station, five miles away, and had gone up to +London for the first time in his life, "to see about a legacy." + +"Lunnon! mai laife. It's a vaine plaace. Ai used 'think Awkeyampton +was a big town, but ai'm barmed if Lunnon dawn't beat un. + +"As you knaw, Zur, us 'ad to get up and gaw off 'bout three in th' +morn'n, and us got upalong Lunnon 'bout tain. Well, the waife knew 'er +waay 'bout, laike; 'er 's bin to Plymouth 'fore now. Zo when us gets +out of the traain us gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes us down +a 'awl in the ground. Ai was fraightened out 'me laife. 'Yer,' ai sez, +'wur be us gwaine then?' + +"'Dawn'ee axno questions, me dyur,' sez the waife, 'or ai'll vorget +ahl what the guard in the traain tawld us.' + +"Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine down and us gets out, and ai'm +blawed if us wadn't in a staation ahl below the ground! Then a traain +comes out of anither 'awl, and befwer us 'ad zat down proper inzaide +un, 'er was off agaain, 'thout waitin' vur watter nor noth'n'. Well, +we zat us down and thur was tu little maids a-vaacin' us what 'adn' +mwer'n lef' school a yer'tu, and naw zinner do they zet eyes on me +than one of 'n whispers zimmat to tither and they bawth starts gazin' +at my 'at and laaf'n'. + +"Well, ai stid it vur some taime and at laast ai cuden' a-bear it naw +longer, so ai says to the waife, 'Fur whai they'm laaf'n' then? What's +wrong wi' my 'at?' + +"'Dawn'ee taake naw nawtice of they,' 'er says. 'The little 'uzzies +ought to be at 'awm look'n' aafter the chicken, 'staid of gallivantin' +about ahl bai thursalves. Yure 'at's all raight.' + +"Ai was wear'n' me awld squeer brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laanson +market on Zat'dys. + +"Well, zune us gets out, though ai caan't tall'ee whur tu 'twas, and +ai caan't tall'ee what us did nither, vur me 'aid was gwaine round an' +round and aachin' vit to burst. But us vound the plaace us was aafter +and saigned ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us tu. Then, when us +gets outsaide, the waife, 'er says, 'Look'ee, me dyur, thur's a bit +of graass and some trees; us'll gawn zit down awver there and eat our +paasties.' + +"Maighty pwer graass 'twas tu, but thur was seats, so us ait our +paasties thur, and us bawth started crai'in when us bit into un. They +zort 'er taasted of 'awm, laike. + +"Then ahl't once the waife, 'er says, 'Pon mai word, thur's a man +taak'n our vottygraff.' And thur 'e was, tu, with a black tarpaulin +awver 'is 'aid! 'Come away, me dyur,' says she; 'ai'm not gwaine to +paay vur naw vottygraffs. Ai 'ad one done at Laanson 'oss shaw when +ai was a gal, and it faaded clean away insaide a twelve-month.' Zo us +gaws back along the staation agaan and comes 'awm just in taime to get +the cows in. + +"Well, next evenin' ai went down along 'The Duke' to tall 'em ahl +'bout Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they ahl starts shout'n' and +bangin' thur mugs and waav'n the paaper at me. 'What's come awver yu?' +ai axes un; 'yume ahl gone silly then?' + +"'Theym bin and put yure vottygraff in the paaper, Uncle,' says John +Tonkin, and 'awlds un out vur me to look. And thur, sure 'nuff, 'twas, +with the waife in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n out and keep'n. +Yur 'tis if 'eed laike to see un." + +Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket, drew out a cutting and handed it to +me. There surely enough was a photo of him and "the waife," sitting on +a public garden-seat eating pasties and underneath the legend-- + + "SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE. + + An old couple snapped in Hyde Park. + The gentleman, smart though elderly, + is seen wearing a brown model of _The + Daily Mail_ hat." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =AFTER THE BALL.= + +"_The Spirit of Jazz._" "TAXI!" + +_Taxi-Driver._ "SORRY, SIR--OLE NICK 'AS JUST COPPED ME."] + + * * * * * + +THE CYNOSURE. + +Among the passengers on the boat was a tall dark man with a black +moustache and well-cut clothes who spent most of his time walking the +deck or reading alone in his chair. Every ship has such recluses, who +often, however, are on the fringe of several sets, although members +of none. But this man remained apart and, being so determined and +solitary, he was naturally the subject of comment and inquiry, even +more of conjecture. His name was easy to discover from the plan of the +table, but we knew no more until little Mrs. King, who is the best +scout in the world, brought the tidings. + +"I can't tell you much," she began breathlessly; "but there's +something frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift knows all about him. +He met him once in Poona and they have mutual friends. And how do you +think he described him? He says he's the worst liver in India." + +There is no need to describe the sensation created by this piece of +information. If the man had set us guessing before, he now excited +a frenzy of curiosity. The glad news traversed the ship like wind, +brightening every eye; at any rate every female eye. For, though the +good may have their reward elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if +public interest is any guerdon, the bad get it on earth. + +Show me a really bad man--dark-complexioned, with well-cut clothes +and a black moustache--and I will show you a hero; a hero a little +distorted, it is true, but not much the less heroic for that. Show me +a notorious breaker of male hearts and laws and--so long as she +is still in business--I will show you a heroine; again a little +distorted, but with more than the magnetism of the virtuous variety. + +For the rest of the voyage the lonely passenger was lonely only +because he preferred to be, or was unaware of the agitation which +he caused. People walked for hours longer than they liked or even +intended in order to have a chance of passing him in his chair and +scrutinising again the features that masked such depravity. For that +they masked it cannot be denied. A physiognomist looking at him would +have conceded a certain gloom, a trend towards introspection, possibly +a hypertrophied love of self, but no more. Physiognomists, however, +can retire from the case, for they are as often wrong as hand-writing +experts. And if any Lavater had been on board and had advanced such +a theory he would have been as unpopular as JONAH, for the man's +wickedness was not only a joy to us but a support. Without it the +voyage would have been interminable. + +What, we all wondered, had he done? Had he murdered as well as +destroyed so many happy homes? Was he crooked at cards? Our minds +became acutely active, but we could discover no more because the old +Colonel, the source of knowledge, had fallen ill and was invisible. + +Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweepstakes were lost and won, deck +sports flourished, fancy-dress dances were held, concerts were +endured, a Colonial Bishop addressed us on Sunday mornings and the +tall dark man with the black moustache and different suits of well-cut +clothes sat in his chair and passed serenely from one OPPENHEIM to +another as though no living person were within leagues. + +It was not until we were actually in port that the Colonel recovered +and I came into touch with him. Standing by the rail we took advantage +of the liberty to speak together, which on a ship such propinquity +sanctions. After we had exchanged a few remarks about the clumsiness +of the disembarking arrangements I referred to the man of mystery and +turpitude, and asked for particulars of some of his milder offences. + +"Why do you suppose him such a blackguard?" he asked. + +"But surely----" I began, a little disconcerted. + +"He's a man," the Colonel continued, "that everyone should be sorry +for. He's a wreck, and he's going home now probably to receive his +death sentence." + +This was a promising phrase and I cheered up a little, but only for a +moment. + +"That poor devil," said the Colonel, "as I told Mrs. King earlier in +the voyage, has the worst liver in India." + +E. V. L. + + + +A VACILLATING POLICY. + +(_A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies._) + + When the Man of Insurance made his rounds + I "covered" my house for a thousand pounds; + Then someone started a fire in the grounds + At the end of a wild carouse. + The building was burnt; I made my claim + And the Man of Insurance duly came. + Said he, "Always + Our Company pays + Without any fuss or grouse; + But your home was rotted from drains to flues; + I therefore offer you as your dues + Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose, + A better and brighter house." + + I took the money; I need not say + What abuse I hurled at his head that day; + But, when he began in his artful way + To talk of Insurance (Life), + And asked me to take out a policy for + My conjugal partner, my _cordium cor_, + "No, no," said I, + "If my spouse should die + We should enter again into strife; + You would come and say at the funeral, 'Sir, + Your wife was peevish and plain; for her + I offer six hundred or, if you prefer, + A better and brighter wife.'" + + * * * * * + +THE HAPPY GARDENER. + +(_Extracts from a Synthetic Diary à la mode._) + +_November 11th._--Now is the time to plant salsify, or the vegetable +oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crustacean flavour so +dear to herbaceous boarders. This may be still further accentuated +by planting it in soil containing lime, chalk or other calcareous or +sebaceous deposits. + +Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it is desirable +to remove the quills before entrusting the animal to the oven. But the +hedgehog cannot be cooked until he is caught, and his capture should +not be attempted without strong gloves. Those recently invented by +Lord THANET are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among +culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served _en casserole_ +or in _coquilles_; but these are negligible details when you are +steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a warm November sun, and +mild air currents lag over the level leagues where the water is but +slightly crimped and the alighting heron is lost among the neutral +tints that envelop him.... + +Though the sun's rays are not now so fervent as they were in the +dog-days, gardening without any headgear is dangerous, especially in +view of the constant stooping. For the protection of the _medulla_ +nothing is better than the admirable hat recently placed on the market +by the benevolent enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective +substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum lined +with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of safety-pins. + +As the late Sir ANDREW CLARK remarked in a luminous phrase, Nature +forgives but she never forgets. The complete gardener should always +aim (unlike the successful journalist) at keeping his head cool and +his feet warm; and here again the noble enterprise of a newspaper +has provided the exact _desideratum_ in its happily-named Corkolio +detachable soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads are dark +and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when all the flowers have +gone and the carrion-crow from the vantage of a pollard utters harsh +notes of warning to all the corvine company round about.... + +Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy these sinister +visitants and ply the task of "heeling over" broccoli towards the +north with perfect impunity. + +The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late seasons, and +probably one of the indirect but none the less disastrous results of +the Land Valuation policy of the PRIME MINISTER, can be kept down by +leaving bowls of caviare mixed with molasses in the places which they +most frequent. This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose +condition, in which they can be safely exterminated with the aid of +the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) recently invented +by a director of one of the journals already alluded to. + +But _tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe_; and while the kingfisher +turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon-yellow of the +willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of the oak-crowns succeeds +to the crimson of the beeches and the gold of the elms, we shall do +well to emulate the serene magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves +with the reflection that the rural philosopher, if only assured of +a sympathetic hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with a +suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may contemplate +the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with fortitude and even +felicity. + + * * * * * + +A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY. + + ["To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there + is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened." + + _Note on Men's Dress._] + + Garbed in the very height and pink of fashion, + To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair, + Nursing within my ardent heart a passion + I long had had a craving to declare; + Being convinced that never would there fall so + Goodly a chance again, I mused how she + Was good and kind and beautiful, and also + Expecting me to tea. + + And after tea I stood before her, feeling + Now was the moment when the maid would melt, + My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing + The graces of a figure trimly svelte, + But, all unworthy to adorn a poet + Who'd bought it for a fabulous amount, + Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it + Popped on its own account. + + The button, dodging my attempts to hide it, + Rolled to her very feet and rested there, + And when I laid my loving heart beside it + She only smiled at that incongruous pair-- + Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy + Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone, + Promised that she would be a sister to me + And sew the button on. + + * * * * * + +A Test of Endurance. + + "The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m. Anyone + still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria." + + _East African Paper._ + +For ourselves, after seventeen hours' continuous dancing, we shall not +want any more tickets. + + * * * * * + +From a parish magazine:-- + + "A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers + which protect the Sunday." + +We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don't want to remain +virulent. It is a terrible dilemma. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SITUATION: _Burglar caught red-handed._ + +_Woman._ "THE SORCE O' THE FELLER! 'E PRETENDED TO BE ME 'USBAND AND +CALLED OUT, 'IT'S ALL RIGHT, DARLIN'--IT'S ONLY ME.' IT WAS THE WORD +'DARLIN'' WOT GIVE 'IM AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In looking at the title-page of _John Seneschal's Margaret_ (HODDER +AND STOUGHTON) no lover of good stories but will be saddened by the +reflection that the superscription, "by AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE," is +there seen for the last time. The double signature, herald of how much +pleasure in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable +but well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who was +mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son, heir and +_fiancé_ by the different members of the welcoming group in the home +that wasn't his. The descriptions of this home, by the way--a house +whose identification will be easy enough for those who know the +beautiful North-Dorset country--are as good as any part of the book. +If you protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly +improbable but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, I must +admit the first charge, but point out that the authors here secure +originality by making the deception an unintended one. _John Tempest_, +who in the hardships of his escape has lost memory of his own +identity, never ceases to protest that he is at least not the other +_John_ for whom the members of the _Seneschal_ family persist in +taking him--a twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added +probability. However, the inevitable solution of the problem provides +a story entertaining enough, though not, I think, one that will +obliterate your memory of others, incomparable, from hands to which we +all owe a debt of long enjoyment. + +I read _Inisheeny_ (METHUEN), as I believe I have read every story by +the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was the hand I will ask you to +guess. Characters: one Church of Ireland parson, drily humorous, as +narrator; one lively heroine with archæological father, hunting for +relics; one schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.I.C. officer on +the look-out for concealed arms; poachers, innkeepers, peasants, etc. +Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the mainland of Western +Ireland and a small islet off the coast. Will the gentleman who said +"GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM" kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts? +I suppose it was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my +simple secret. Mr. "BIRMINGHAM" is one of the too few authors who +understand what emotion an island of the proper size and right +distance from the coast can raise in the human breast. _Inisheeny_ +delightfully fulfilled every condition in this respect; not to mention +sheltering an illicit still and being the home of Keltic treasure. +Precisely in fact the right kind of place, and the sort of story that +hardly anyone can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that, perhaps +a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour of the affair seems to +lose spontaneity and become forced. But till the real climax of the +tale, the triumphant return of the various hunters from _Inisheeny_, I +can promise that you will find never a dull page. + + * * * * * + +There were moments in _The Headland_ (HEINEMANN) when, with _Roma +Lennox_, the "companion" and heroine, I "shivered, feeling that +London, compared with the old house on the Headland and the family +inhabiting it, was a clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited +by robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick." Cornwall +is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the _Pendragon_ family +was not merely queer but hereditarily rotten and decadent: the old +father, who burns a valuable old book of his own to appease his +violent temper; the granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty +addicted to hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them. +Mrs. C. A. DAWSON SCOTT has powerfully suggested the atmosphere of +the strange and tragic household, mourning its dead mistress; and she +understands the peculiar quality of the Cornish people and the Cornish +seas. I have not read her other novels, but, if she will promise to +wrestle with one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise +to look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the Wellsian +triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scott does overdo it. And a good deal +of her quite penetrating psycho-thingummy was spoiled for me by her +trick of conveying nearly every impression and reflection of her +characters through an impersonal "you" or "one." This means an economy +of words and for a short time a certain vividness, but it soon becomes +tedious. One knows what a tangle you get into if one starts using +"one's" and "you's" in your letters; and you find that the author +has been caught once or twice. However, the story is good enough to +survive that. + + * * * * * + +The title of _The Lady of The Lawn_ (JENKINS) has "the ornament of +alliteration," but beyond that there doesn't seem to be any particular +reason why Mr. W. RILEY should have chosen it. Certainly in his story +there is an old lady who spends more of the winter on a lawn than any +old lady of my acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a +summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside; but _Miss +Barbara_ and her site really have not so much to do with the tale as +its title seems to imply. The love affairs of a young officer who, +while blind from wounds, fell in love with his nurse to the extent of +becoming engaged to her and didn't recognise her when they met again, +are Mr. RILEY'S real concern. _Eric_, who is quite as priggish as +his name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady of +leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of remorse on +account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse. _Marion_ or +_Constance_, for she uses two names to help the confusion, lets him +suffer a while for the good of his soul, but the happy ending, the +promise of which is breathed from every line of the book, is duly +brought about. His publisher asserts that "there is no living author +who writes about Yorkshire as does Mr. RILEY." I daresay he is quite +right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned I don't +think that I should have bothered to mention it. + + * * * * * + +Those--and I suspect they are many--whose first real enthusiasm for +ABRAHAM LINCOLN was kindled by Mr. JOHN DRINKWATER'S romantic morality +play can profitably take up Mr. IRVING BACHELLER'S _A Man for the +Ages_ (CONSTABLE) for an engaging account of the early days of the +great Democrat. They will forgive a certain flamboyance about the +author's preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be worthy, is a very +pardonable weakness, and they should certainly admire the skill and +humour with which he has patched together, or invented where seemly, +the story of lanky ABE, with his axeman's skill, his immense physical +strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion for books, his +lean purse and "shrinking pants," his wit, courage and resource. A +romance of reasonable interest and plausibility is woven round young +Lincoln's story. Perhaps Mr. BACHELLER makes his hero speak a little +too sententiously at times, and certainly some of his other folk say +queer things, such as, "What so vile as a cheap aristocracy, growing +up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, with every brutal passion +broad-blown as flush as May?" What indeed! The picture of pioneering +America in the thirties is a fresh and interesting one. + + * * * * * + +To few of those who visit Switzerland, with its incomparable +mountains, can it have occurred that, once a man is kept there against +his will, it can be a prison as damnable as any other; possibly even +more damnable by reason of those same inevitable mountains. British +prisoners of war interned there knew that. Mr. R. O. PROWSE, in _A +Gift of the Dusk_ (COLLINS), speaks with subtle penetration for those +other prisoners, interned victims of the dreadful malady. Of necessity +he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very genial philosopher, +permitting himself candidly "just that little cynicism which helps +to keep one tolerant." He is of the old and entertaining school of +sentimental travellers, but he is far from being old-fashioned. The +story running through his observations and modern instances is so +frail and delicate a thing that I hesitate to touch it and to risk +disturbing its bloom. All readers, save the very young and the very +old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing Cross ("I have a +childlike fondness for trains. I like to be in them, I like to see +them go by") to the peaceful, almost happy end, at the mountain refuge +by the valley of the Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way; +and they will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture of +that most melancholy hotel where the story is set. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES. + +_Mounted Gentleman_ (_who has come to grief in a morass_). "IF I +ESCAPE THIS PERIL I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO BUILD A CHURCH HERE AS A +THANK-OFFERING. AN ILL SITE, I FEAR."] + + * * * * * + +A New Safety Model. + + "Lady's strong cycle, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels."--_Cycling._ + + * * * * * + +From an account of the M.C.C. team's match at Colombo: + + "When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping + finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera."--_Ceylon + Paper._ + +Happily HOBBS appears to have waked up when he got to Australia. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, November 17, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19349-8.txt or 19349-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/3/4/19349/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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