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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 17, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006 [EBook #19349]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 17th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is rumoured that a gentleman who purchased a miniature two-seater
+car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat
+playing with it on the mat.
+
+       * * *
+
+It appears that nothing definite has yet been decided as to whether
+_The Daily Mail_ will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham
+Hat.
+
+       * * *
+
+The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster
+City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for
+cabs at night. Nothing is said about the custom of making a noise like
+a five-shilling tip.
+
+       * * *
+
+We shall not be surprised if Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN becomes the
+Viceroy of India, says a gossip-writer. We warn our contemporary
+against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor
+of the Exchequer would be appointed in his place.
+
+       * * *
+
+During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the LORD
+MAYOR'S coachman was accompanied by the LORD MAYOR.
+
+       * * *
+
+The licensee of a West Ham public-house has just purchased a parrot
+which is trained to imitate the bagpipes. The bird's life will of
+course be insured.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for
+democracy, like the other countries.
+
+       * * *
+
+Upon hearing that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE had accepted a Government
+appointment several members of the Labour Party said that this only
+confirmed their contention that his moustache would get him into
+trouble one day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mrs. STACKPOOL O'DELL warns girls against marrying a man whose head
+is flat at the back. The best course is to get one with a round head;
+after marriage it can be flattened to taste.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself
+was remanded at the Guildhall last week. He is thought to be a British
+taxpayer going about _incognito_.
+
+       * * *
+
+The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to
+laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess
+what the hen was laughing at.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now
+contains eight hundred different specimens. Visitors are requested not
+to tease the germs or go too near their cages.
+
+       * * *
+
+A large spot on the sun has been seen by the meteorological experts
+at Greenwich Observatory. We understand that it will be allowed to
+remain.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. RAYMOND FORSDIK, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders
+are committed in Chicago than in London. But, under Prohibition, Satan
+is bound to find mischief for idle hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike
+weighing twenty-five pounds. In view of the angler's profession we
+suppose we must believe this one.
+
+       * * *
+
+A curate of Bedford Park has had his bicycle stolen from the church,
+and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is
+difficult to know whom to blame.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a _Daily Mail_ headline. We don't know who he
+is, but he certainly has our permission. We cannot, however, answer
+for Mr. BOB WILLIAMS.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his
+telephone, we are pleased to say that a great improvement is reported.
+The instrument was taken away the other day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet Ministers a contemporary doubts
+whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we
+are a humane race.
+
+       * * *
+
+Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the
+trade. Meanwhile the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the
+rabbit.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Mine," says General TOWNSHEND, "was a mission which NAPOLEON would
+have refused." We doubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn
+like that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. E. HALFORD ROSS, of Piccadilly, is of the opinion that coal
+contains remarkable healing powers. Quite a number of people
+contemplate buying some of the stuff.
+
+       * * *
+
+"What does milk usually contain?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say
+it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as we know the answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy at Tailor's (to father, who seems to be
+impressed with "Jazz" tweed_). "I SAY, DAD, GO SLOW. REMEMBER WHO'S
+GOT TO WEAR IT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WITH IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=An Indomitable Spirit.=
+
+    "Mr. ----'s tank held only ---- Spirit during the whole climb and
+    not satisfied with climbing _up_ Snowdon Mr. ---- then drove down
+    again." _Motoring Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY I DIDN'T GO TO THE BAR. By Horatio Bottomley." "_John Bull_"
+    _Poster_.
+
+Perhaps it was after hours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic, beer-eating
+    Englishman."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an author's
+dietary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "What the word 'Democracy' was intended to mean was that every
+    man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf." _Local
+    Paper_.
+
+We have long suspected this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MILWAUKEE.--Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of
+    brandies, gin and wines were found stored in a bathhouse. It will
+    be presented to the federal grand jury for action." _Canadian
+    Paper_.
+
+Not the obvious form of "direct action," we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.=
+
+_A hint of what might be done by following the example of the Press_.
+
+    ["More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been
+    searching round frantically in his efforts to find a new play."
+    _The Times_.]
+
+  Oh, have you marked upon the breeze
+  The wail of hunger which occurs
+  When starved theatrical lessees
+  Commune with hollow managers?
+  "Where is Dramatic Art?" they say;
+  "Can no one, _no one_, write a play?"
+
+  I cannot think why this should be,
+  This bitter plaint of sudden dearth;
+  To write a play would seem to me
+  Almost the easiest thing on earth.
+  Sometimes I feel that even I
+  Could do it if I chose to try.
+
+  What! can this Art be in its grave
+  Whose form was lately so rotund,
+  Whose strength was as a bull's and gave
+  No sign of being moribund?
+  I'm sure my facts are right, or how
+  Do you account for _Chu Chin Chow_?
+
+  As for the gods, their judgment shows
+  No loss of _flair_ for grace or wit;
+  We see the comic's ruby nose
+  Reduce to pulp the nightly pit,
+  Whose patrons, sound in head and heart,
+  Still love the loftiest type of Art.
+
+  Nor should the playwright fail for lack
+  Of matter, if with curious eyes
+  He follows in our Pressmen's track,
+  Who find the source of their supplies
+  In Life, that ever-flowing font,
+  And "give the public what they want."
+
+  If authors, moving with the times,
+  Would only feed us, like the Press,
+  On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes,
+  Scandals and all that carrion mess,
+  I see no solid reason why
+  Dramatic Art should ever die.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.=
+
+II.--MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies have crept into the
+sketch which is here given of a great statesman's personality I can
+only say, "_Humanum est errare_," and "_Homo sum: humani nihil alienum
+a me puto_." These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably soothe all
+angry passions; you have only to try their effect the next time you
+stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Underground
+train.
+
+Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few,
+upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is displayed,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is probably the most assiduous worshipper at the
+great Corsican's shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at
+the War Office, peering forward with that purposeful dominating look
+on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite
+effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a
+stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. "Bust that dust,"
+says the WAR MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a
+genial smile, "I should say, Dust that bust."
+
+But NAPOLEON'S is not the only head that adorns Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head,
+such as one may sometimes see in the shop windows of hatters, and
+close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an
+adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and
+similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the
+WAR MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for,
+contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the
+headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandringham
+hat of _The Daily Mail_, and lives always in hopes of modelling the
+ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others
+for centuries to come. The work of a great statesman lives frequently
+in the mindful brain of posterity, less frequently upon it.
+
+Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are
+a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed
+photograph of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester, a map of Mesopotamia
+with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of
+Eden, marked by paper flags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which
+the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his
+famous African tour. In his more playful moments the WAR MINISTER has
+been known to clothe himself completely in one of these skins and
+growl ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder.
+
+Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is
+dynamic energy. Whether other people's energy is ever dynamic I do not
+know, but undoubtedly Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he
+quells. He is like one of those people in the papers with zig-zags
+sticking out all over them because they have been careful to wear an
+electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes one can almost hear him
+crackle.
+
+As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he
+has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer, though his
+unbounded success in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows what his
+capabilities as a Chancellor are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and
+a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence, and as an author and
+journalist his voice is already like a swan's amongst screech-owls.
+(I admit that that last bit ought to have been in Latin, but I cannot
+remember what the Latin for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that it
+increases in the genitive, but quite possibly I may be thinking of
+dormice.)
+
+Anyhow, to return to Mr. CHURCHILL'S room: whilst the floor is
+littered with volumes that have been sent to him for review, his
+desk is equally littered with proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and
+leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has
+scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he
+was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who asked
+ignorantly, "Am I speaking to the statesman or the author?"
+
+"Not _or_, but _and_," replied the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, with a
+simple dignity like that of ST. AUGUSTINE.
+
+To poetry he is not greatly attached, preferring to leave this field
+of letters to his staff. When asked for his favourite passage of
+English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC'S _Modern Traveller_--
+
+  "That marsh, that admirable marsh!"
+
+which is far from being Mr. BELLOC'S most mellifluous effort.
+
+We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S ebullient activity. Remembering that bust upon his
+mantelpiece it is hard to say. There are some who consider that,
+prevented by the sluggishness of our times from the chance of
+commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at
+last to the position of Postmaster-General. If he does there can be no
+man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum.
+
+K.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A.--Comme vous voudrai.--P."
+
+    _Agony Column in Daily Paper_.
+
+Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness we may say that we prefer
+"_voudrez_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A TRUE FISHING STORY.
+
+    Lady ---- is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a
+    shot. Last Friday, I am told, she caught two trout weighing 2-3/4
+    lb. and 3-1/4 lb. And on the same afternoon she got a right and a
+    left hit at a roebuck with a small four-bore gun!"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant,
+we are glad to note that the epithet "true" is only applied to the
+"fishing" part of the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =THE ABYSMALISTS.=
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?"
+
+VOICE OF RUSSIAN BOLSHEVIST FROM BELOW. "DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE
+BOURGEOISIE."
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT?"
+
+VOICE FROM BELOW. "YOU DON'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _French Visitor_ (_inspecting artificial silk
+stockings_). "SOIE?"
+
+_Shopman_ (_formerly of the B.E.F., resourcefully_). "WELL, SCARCELY,
+MADAM; SHALL WE SAY 'SOI-DISANT'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS.
+
+"THE GRAVE OF THE BOORZH-WAW-ZE."
+
+    [The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult)
+    version of the ballad which, according to _The Times_, is now
+    being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian
+    Schools, with the refrain:--
+
+      "Class-conscious we are singing,
+        Class-conscious all are we,
+      For Labour now is digging
+        The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze."
+
+The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas, but you know what
+folk-songs are.]
+
+  Look, we are digging a large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  To put the abominable tyrant in--
+  The Minister, the Master, the Mandarin;
+  And never a bloom above shall blow
+  But scarlet-runners in a row to show
+    _That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Who do we put in the large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?_
+  The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws,
+  Who works with his head instead of with his paws;
+  The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor,
+  The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there,
+    _Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  One great cavity, and then one more
+  For the bones of the SECRET'RY OF STATE FOR WAR;
+  The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS,
+  We wring their necks and we fling them from us
+    _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  But nobody, of course, can co-exist
+  In the same small planet with a Communist;
+  Man is a brotherhood, that we know,
+  And the whole damn family has got to go
+    _Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Too many people are alive to-day,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  Red already is the Red, Red Sea
+  With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze,
+  And that's what the rest of the globe will be--
+        _Believe me!_
+  We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled*
+  In a perfectly void vermilion world
+  With the citizens (if any) who have _not_ been hurled
+  _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+    With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!_
+
+A. P. H.
+
+    [* NOTE.--In the Somerset version the word is
+    "_un_furled," which makes better sense but scans even worse
+    than the rest of the song. I have therefore followed the
+    Gloucestershire tradition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOURCES OF LAUGHTER.
+
+"It will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it's funny,"
+said George.
+
+This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good
+heart, professed to find it diverting already. Unfortunately she has
+no sense of humour.
+
+Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the
+writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove
+gravity (as they say in _The Wallet of Kai Lung_) from other people
+quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming
+some brilliant and successful humorists.
+
+The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment.
+
+When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of
+puns.
+
+"We've got rather beyond that, I think," said the victim with dignity.
+
+"I'm not so sure," said George cruelly, "that you can afford to
+neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this
+twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours."
+
+"And I can tell you why," broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his
+pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology and whirled over the pages.
+
+"Meanwhile," said George learnedly, "BERGSON may be of some assistance
+to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it."
+
+"Why couldn't he leave it alone?" said Allegra uneasily.
+
+"He defines laughter," said George, "as 'a kind of social gesture.'"
+
+"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At least," she added, "that sort of
+thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up."
+
+"Well, then, here's something more practical," said George. "Listen.
+'A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same
+time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the
+same time be interpreted in two different ways.'"
+
+"I should think," said Edna brightly, "that might be very amusing."
+
+She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she
+showed signs of relief when Raymond interrupted, having found his
+place.
+
+"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The book says that the reason a pun
+amuses you----"
+
+"It doesn't amuse me," said most of the company.
+
+"But it does--it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and
+white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you is as follows: 'It impels
+the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. This obstructs the
+flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and
+the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case
+may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed
+and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the
+occasion demands that----'"
+
+"And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly.
+
+The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs.
+Purkis, the charlady, who "comes in to oblige," and was now taking
+a short cut to the front gate, under Cook's escort, by way of the
+parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were
+taking tea on the lawn.
+
+When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself
+understood, her words were these: "I dunno why, but when I see
+'im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died
+a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it made me _larf_----"
+
+She passed, like _Pippa_.
+
+"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter envy. "_She doesn't know
+why._"
+
+And Allegra burst into tears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Fisherman._ "I SUPPOSE THIS RAIN WILL DO A LOT OF
+GOOD, PAT?"
+
+_Pat._ "YE MAY WELL SAY THAT, SORR. AN HOUR OF UT NOW WILL DO MORE
+GOOD IN FIVE MINUTES THAN A MONTH OF UT WOULD DO IN A WEEK AT ANNY
+OTHER TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What's in a Name?
+
+    "'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known
+    Elocutionist)."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BLOATER SHOW.
+
+The last time I was at Olympia--as everybody says at the door--it was
+a Horse Show. But this time it is much the same. There they stand in
+their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their
+glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators
+sniffing for something over the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they
+are, to be out in the open again; and yet I fancy they enjoy it all
+in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not; for, after all, the
+whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of the Show is
+to let the motors inspect the bloaters--and not what you think. (You
+don't know what bloaters are? Well, I can't explain without being
+rude.)
+
+All the year round they can study _ad nauseam_ their own individual
+bloaters; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole
+world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only
+can they compare notes and exchange grievances.
+
+And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a
+blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her.
+They are very new bloaters, and one of them--oh, horror!--one of them
+is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He
+will drive her to death; he may even drive her himself; he will stroke
+her lovely coat in a familiar, proprietary fashion; he will show her
+off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the
+water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible
+intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most private secrets
+of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be
+sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be
+understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will scratch her
+paint; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions--not from pipes;
+cigars only....
+
+There--he has bought her. It is a tragedy. Let us move on.
+
+Here is a little _coupé_--a smart young creature with a nice blue
+coat, fond of town, I should say, but quite at home in the country.
+She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In
+fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of
+nice-mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something
+to do with that war, I should think; the _coupé_ would help him a good
+deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes
+her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent
+and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised,
+for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom
+in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her
+himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies
+and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve
+him very nobly.
+
+Already, you see, they have given her a name--"Jane," I think they
+said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer
+comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick
+forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her;
+and she will love them.
+
+But the question is----Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are
+edging away. She is too much. They look back sadly as they go. Another
+tragedy....
+
+Now I am going to be a bloater myself. Here is a jolly one, though her
+stable-name is much too long. She is a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she
+only costs £2,125 (why 5, I wonder--why not 6?) I can run to that,
+_surely_. At any rate I can climb up and sit down on her cushions;
+none of the grooms is looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. That is
+the sort of car I love. I am like the lady herring; I don't approve
+of all this talk about the _insides_ of things; it seems to me to be
+rather indecent--unless, of course, you do it very nicely, like that
+young herring. When you go and look at a horse you don't ask how its
+sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then
+why should you...?
+
+Well, here we are, and very comfortable too. But why does none of
+these cars have any means of communication between the owner and
+the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a telephone to the
+chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the
+host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed
+he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks
+he is being asked if he is warm enough.
+
+Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark
+and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What? What's that? No, I don't really want to buy it, thank you. I
+just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact
+I think it is. But I don't like the colour. And what I really want is
+a _cabriolet_. Good afternoon. Thank you....
+
+A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She
+would have liked me. So would he, I expect.
+
+Well, we had better go home. I shan't buy any more cars to-day. And
+we won't go up to the gallery; there is nothing but oleo-plugs and
+graphite-grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance.
+
+Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was---- Hallo, they have
+come back--the two nice herrings. They are bargaining--they are
+beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on--go on. Yes, you
+can run to that--_of course_ you can. Sell those oil shares. Look at
+her--_look_ at her! You can't leave her here for one of the bloaters.
+He wavers; he consults. "Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's done it! He
+has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS.
+
+Some time ago the PREMIER beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and
+now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the
+stream is cooling--indicating comfort, let us hope, to any who may be
+buried beneath it. Only by an oversight, we understand, did he omit to
+mention in his speech at the Guildhall that the chamois is once more
+browsing happily among the blooming edelweiss.
+
+But in continuing his lofty metaphors Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will find
+himself confronted by no small difficulty when dealing with the
+glacier. What can he say that the glacier is doing? It must do
+something. A glacier is of no rhetorical value if it merely stays
+where it is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the
+alpenstock of enterprise and pull over one's boots the socks of
+Coalition, but the glacier remains practically unchanged by these
+preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven
+surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its
+crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because
+the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and
+statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to
+announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of
+a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very
+careful Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may make a grave slip in negotiating the
+glacier.
+
+Then the "awful avalanche" has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful
+words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to
+make for when it begins to move might be welcomed by the PREMIER'S
+followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trouble half-way,
+but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the
+opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he
+cannot (so we are informed) escape the avalanche.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION.=
+
+"HELLO, OLD FRIGHT--HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AGES!"
+
+"WE MUST HAVE ONE." [entering SHIRT MAKER'S Establishment]
+
+"WHAT'S YOURS?" "THINK I'LL HAVE A COLLAR."
+
+"TWO COLLARS, PLEASE--SEVENTEENS." "CHEERIO!"
+
+"NOW YOU MUST HAVE ONE WITH ME. WHAT ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?" "NO, NO,
+IT'S TOO EARLY." "THE SAME AGAIN, THEN?" "WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE
+THIS TIME."
+
+"SAME AGAIN, PLEASE--ONLY SOFT."
+
+"BYE-BYE! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Magistrate._ "BUT, MR. GOLDSTEIN, WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR
+HOUSE AND YOUR BUSINESS IN YOUR WIFE'S NAME?"
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ "WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT A BEESNESS MAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA.
+
+The man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound
+time-honoured legends is bound to make enemies.
+
+The latest legend I have been privileged to explore is not the product
+of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth
+of comparatively recent origin. It is concerned with Barbara, not the
+impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an
+extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I
+have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's
+Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara's mother.
+
+From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first attempted
+articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful
+things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting
+stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached
+me through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still
+fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until
+an addition was made to the rule relating to offences punishable by a
+round of drinks.
+
+On my brief visits home I would wait expectantly for the brilliant
+flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's
+lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation
+I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the
+category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for
+over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She
+talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but
+seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a _jeu
+d'esprit_ that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless
+until a few days ago I was still constantly being informed--chiefly
+by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother--of the "killing"
+things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had
+no proof, and it was only by accident that I was at last enabled to
+prick the bubble.
+
+Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come
+to tea and was chatting in the drawing-room with Suzanne (who besides
+being Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and my wife) and Barbara
+(whose relationship all round has been sufficiently indicated).
+The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the
+opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle
+of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was
+confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less
+on the following lines:--
+
+_Julia._ Where's Father, Babs?
+
+_Barbara._ In the libery.
+
+_Julia._ Working hard, I suppose?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes.
+
+_Julia._ Or do you think he's sleeping? (_No answer._) Don't you think
+father's probably asleep half the time he's supposed to be working?
+
+_Barbara._ Probly. What you got in that bag?
+
+_Julia._ I expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too
+comfy for real work.
+
+_Barbara._ I've eated up all those choc'lates you did bring me.
+
+_Julia._ Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father
+writes in his sleep?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes, I fink he does.
+
+_Julia._ Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he's
+working. Don't you, Babs?
+
+At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving
+the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea. Julia was
+handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch
+inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty
+affirmative.
+
+"You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you," said
+Julia.
+
+"Oh, and what does Barbara say?" I asked.
+
+"She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he
+usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing
+notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird."
+
+"So Barbara says I write in my sleep?"
+
+"Yes, you heard her, didn't you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that
+the other day, during that heavy thunderstorm, she said that the
+angels and the devils must be having a big battle and that she
+supposed the angels would soon be going over the top?"
+
+"Come here, Barbara," I said.
+
+Barbara, who at her too fond aunt's request had been granted the
+privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half
+of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came.
+
+"Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. "You shall
+have one as soon as we've had a little talk."
+
+"The biggest and pinkiest one?" demanded Barbara.
+
+"Yes. Now tell me--don't you think that people ought always to speak
+the truth, and to be especially careful not to distort the remarks of
+others?"
+
+"Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?"
+
+"Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more
+careless of the truth than men?"
+
+"Yes. Can I----"
+
+"Do you love your Aunt Julia?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Cos she always has got choc'lates in her bag."
+
+"But don't you think it's much more important to have the truth in
+your heart than chocolates in your bag?"
+
+"Yes. Now can I have my pink cake?"
+
+I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind.
+Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who is
+Barbara's godfather, came in.
+
+"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" he observed to Barbara in his
+best godfatherly manner. "I suppose we shall soon be going to school?"
+
+"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed. "The fact is she's already
+far too forward, and we think it a good thing to keep her back a bit.
+You'd never believe the amazing remarks she makes. Just now, for
+instance, we happened to be discussing the comparative love of truth
+inherent in men and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she
+thought women were far more careless of the truth than men."
+
+"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. "She
+certainly hit the nail on the head there."
+
+"Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates."
+
+"It sounds almost incredible," gasped Tom.
+
+"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell
+you what Barbara remarked about my work."
+
+But Julia, who was already gathering her furs about her, followed up
+an unusual silence by a sudden departure.
+
+From what Suzanne has since refrained from saying I am confident that
+I've broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the
+fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down)
+to a spurious halo of precocity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE.=
+
+_Small Boy_ (_much impressed_). "THE TICKET-COLLECTOR SAID 'GOOD
+EVENING' TO DAD."
+
+_Mother._ "YES, DEAR, HE ALWAYS DOES. AND PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE GOOD,
+HE'LL SAY THE SAME TO YOU--WHEN YOU'VE TRAVELLED ON THIS LINE FOR
+TWENTY-FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "DEPARTURE OF THE LIEUT.-GOVERNOR.
+        ENTHUSIASTIC SCENES."
+
+    _Channel Islands Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of
+    the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the
+    'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing
+    hopes."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL CARETAKERS.
+
+    ["A LADY is willing to give a thoroughly-good HOME to a GRAND
+    PIANO (German make preferred), also a COTTAGE, for anyone going
+    abroad."--_Morning Paper._]
+
+A GRAMOPHONE of small to medium age can be received as p.g. in select
+RESIDENTIAL HOTEL. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILL any LADY or GENTLEMAN offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera
+for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE CORNET suffering from chronic
+asthma (slight)?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAG-PIPES (sisters) in reduced circumstances owing to the War, seek
+sit. as COMPANIONS or MOTHER'S HELPS, town or country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of forthcoming productions:--
+
+    "THEATRE ROYAL, ----. Boo Early."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "AND HOW IS YOUR DEAR MOTHER, TO-DAY?"
+
+_Child of the Period._ "OH, SHE'S ROTTEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YARNS.
+
+  When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still,
+  And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill,
+  And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride
+  Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide,
+
+  Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do
+  In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down
+  In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town.
+
+  Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear--
+  Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near,
+  In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round,
+  From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound,
+
+  With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so,
+  And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go,
+  And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then,
+  For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen.
+
+  And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please,
+  Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas,
+  Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West,
+  And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best,
+
+  Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told,
+  In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old,
+  Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue
+  And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young.
+
+  Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys,
+  But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise,
+  Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars,
+  Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars?
+
+  No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again,
+  But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen.
+
+  C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =WORTH A TRIAL.=
+
+ULSTERMAN. "HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT
+LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH."
+
+SOUTHERN IRISHMAN. "I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL."
+
+ULSTERMAN. "OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE MOVES
+WITH ME ON HIS BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 8th._--To allay the apprehensions of Sir JOHN REES
+the PRIME MINISTER informed him that the League of Nations can do
+nothing except by a unanimous decision of the Council. As the League
+already includes thirty-seven nations, it is not expected that its
+decisions will be hastily reached. Now, perhaps, the United States
+may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the
+allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico.
+
+The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish "reprisals" met
+with its daily refusal. The PRIME MINISTER referred to "unfortunate
+incidents that always happen in war"--the first time that he has used
+this word to describe the situation in Ireland--and was confident that
+the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. DEVLIN, who complained
+that his office had been raided, being one of them), "men engaged in a
+murderous conspiracy." He declined to hamper the authorities who were
+putting it down. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD
+excused his lack of information about recent occurrences with the
+remark that "an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing
+assassins." Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY observed that the proceedings were "just like the German
+Reichstag during the War." "Were you there?" smartly interjected
+General CROFT.
+
+[Illustration: OBERLEUTNANT KENNWÜRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG
+
+(IN THE IMAGINATION OF GENERAL CROFT).]
+
+The Government of Ireland Bill having been recommitted, Sir
+WORTHINGTON EVANS explained the Government's expedient for providing
+the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that
+the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable scheme--an elected
+Senate would fail to protect the minority and a nominated Senate would
+be "undemocratic"--he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be
+entrusted with the task.
+
+Having regard to the probable composition of the Council--half Sinn
+Feiners and half Orangemen--Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no
+chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken
+heads or some other malady. Sir EDWARD CARSON, however, in an
+unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was
+assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of
+British dictation they would "shake hands for the good of Ireland."
+The clause was carried by 175 to 31.
+
+[Illustration: "TWO BY TWO."
+
+SIR E. CARSON AND MR. DEVLIN.]
+
+On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern
+Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. ASQUITH
+declared that "this musty remainder biscuit" had reduced him to
+"rhetorical poverty." Perhaps that was why he could get no more than
+ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it.
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD SHEEP-DOG.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ "TUT-TUT! TO THINK THAT I COULD ONLY ROUND UP TEN OF
+'EM!"]
+
+_Tuesday, November 9th._--In supporting Lord PARMOOR'S protest against
+the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish
+Executive, Lord BUCKMASTER regretted that there was no one in the
+House of Lords responsible for the Irish Office, and consequently
+"they were always compelled to accept official answers." A strictly
+official answer was all he got from Lord CRAWFORD, who declared that
+the arrest had been made under the authority of D.O.R.A., and gave
+their Lordships the surely otiose reminder that "conditions were not
+quite simple or normal in Ireland just now."
+
+Mr. SHORTT has formed his style on the model of one of his
+predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel BURN'S alarm at the
+prevalence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had
+always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even
+Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE'S recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts
+did not at that moment disturb him.
+
+The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough passage, and, if
+the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly
+have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the
+proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. MYERS, however, was
+sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that "rates and taxes
+must be saved though the people perished," and declared that there was
+plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon.
+
+Lieut.-Colonel HURST objected to the term "working-class" in the Bill.
+It would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England
+were divided into two classes--the leisured class and the working
+class; whereas everybody knew that most of the "leisured class" had no
+leisure and many of the "working-class" did no work.
+
+_Wednesday, November 10th._--The Peers welcomed Lord BUXTON on his
+advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights
+of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany
+against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles
+would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty
+has resulted in the island being swamped by German workmen employed in
+destroying the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new
+electoral law requiring three years' residence would safeguard the
+islanders from being politically submerged, and wisely did not enter
+into the question of how long the island itself would remain after the
+fortifications had disappeared.
+
+In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY underwent his usual Wednesday
+cross-examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity.
+When an hon. Member, whose long and distinguished Indian service began
+in the year in which Mr. MONTAGU was born, ventured to suggest that
+he should check Mr. GANDHI'S appeals to ignorance and fanaticism,
+he tartly replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous
+things, "whether in India or on the benches of this House."
+
+Mr. STEWART expressed anxiety lest under the new arrangements
+with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should be subjected to Egyptian
+interference. Mr. HARMSWORTH was of opinion that for geographical
+reasons the Sudan would always be able to look after its own
+water-supply; _vide_ the leading case of _Wolf_ v. _Lamb_.
+
+_Thursday, November 11th._--The PRIME MINISTER was in a more
+aggressive mood than usual. Mr. DEVLIN, who was noisily incredulous as
+to the existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was
+advised to wait for the documents about to be published. To make
+things even, an ultra-Conservative Member, who urged the suspension
+of Mr. FISHER'S new Act, was informed that the PRIME MINISTER could
+conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that
+it could not afford to give children a good education.
+
+Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third
+Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of
+the debate. The possibility that the "Unknown Warrior" might have been
+an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. ADAMSON
+feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and
+Mr. ASQUITH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more
+generous to Irish aspirations, there was no sting in either of their
+speeches. The PRIME MINISTER, while defending his scheme as the best
+that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did
+not bang the door against further negotiations; and Sir EDWARD CARSON
+said that Ulstermen were beginning to realize that the Parliament
+thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the
+hope that in working it they would set an example of tolerance and
+justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the
+division, and no Irish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was
+carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the
+unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign.
+After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at
+any rate, no longer a party question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, SERIOUSLY, MR. WIGGINS, CAN YOU RECOMMEND THE
+LAMB THIS WEEK?"
+
+"WELL, MA'AM, IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT FOR. IF YOU WERE
+THINKIN' OF EATIN' IT, SPEAKIN' AS MAN TO MAN, I SHOULD SAY 'NO.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jones minor wants to know if the letter "T," used to designate the new
+super-bus, stands for "TARQUINIUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT IDEA.
+
+Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the
+Tube yesterday.
+
+"Our little world," he said, "is turned topsy-turvy."
+
+"Knocked absolutely sideways," I replied.
+
+"Those who were rich in the old days," said Perkins, "haven't two
+sixpences to rub together, and the world's workers are rolling in
+Royces and having iced méringues with every meal. What follows?"
+
+"Indigestion," I said promptly.
+
+"Everybody," he said, ignoring my _jeu d'esprit_, "feels like a fish
+out of water, and discontent is rife. The newly-poor man wishes he had
+in him the stuff of which millionaires are made, and the profiteer
+sighs for a few pints of the true ultramarine Norman blood, as it
+would be so helpful when dealing with valets, gamekeepers and the
+other haughty vassals of his new entourage. And that is where my
+scheme comes in. There are oceans of blue blood surging about in the
+veins and arteries of dukes and other persons who have absolutely no
+further use for such a commodity, and I'm sure lots of it could be had
+at almost less than the present price of milk. So what is to prevent
+the successful hosier from having the real stuff coursing through the
+auricles and ventricles of his palpitating heart, since transfusion is
+such a simple stunt nowadays?"
+
+"And I suppose," I said, "that you would bleed him first so as to make
+room for the new blood?"
+
+"There you touch the real beauty of my idea," said Perkins. "The
+plebeian sighs for aristocratic blood to enable him to hold his own in
+his novel surroundings; the aristocrat could do with a little bright
+red fluid to help him to turn an honest penny. So it is merely a case
+of cross-transfusion; no waste, no suffering, no weakness from loss of
+blood on either side."
+
+I gasped at the magnitude of the idea.
+
+"I'm drawing up plans," Perkins continued, "for a journal devoted
+to the matter, in which the interested parties can advertise their
+blood-stock for disposal, a sort of 'Blood Exchange and Mart.' The
+advertisements alone would pay, I expect, for the cost of production.
+See," he said, handing me a slip of paper, "these are the sort of ads.
+we should get."
+
+This is what I read:--
+
+"Peer, ruined by the War, would sell one-third of arterial contents
+for cash, or would exchange blood-outfits with successful woollen
+manufacturer.--5016 Kensington Gore, W.
+
+"To War Profiteers. Several quarts of the real cerulean for disposal.
+Been in same family for generations. Pedigree can be inspected at
+office of advertiser's solicitor. Cross-transfusion not objected to.
+Address in first instance, BART., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C.
+
+"Public School and University Man of Plantagenet extraction would like
+to correspond with healthy Coal Miner with view to cross-transfusion.
+Would sell soul for two shillings.--A. VANE-BLUDYER, 135, Down (and
+Out) Street, West Kensington, W."
+
+"Makes your blood run cold," I said, handing back the paper.
+
+"Not it," he said, detaching himself from the strap as the train drew
+into King's Cross; "not if the operation's properly performed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND.
+
+    I.
+
+  Percy is a partridge bold
+  Who in Autumn, so I'm told,
+  Dwells among the turnip roots
+  And assists at frequent shoots,
+  Really I have seldom heard
+  Of a more precocious bird;
+  Possibly his landlord's not
+  What you'd call a first-rate shot,
+  And his pals, though jolly chaps,
+  Are not quite so good perhaps;
+  Still, he thinks their aim so trashy
+  That, I fear, he's getting rash. He
+  Even perches on the end
+  Of the gun my poor old friend
+  Bill employs for killing game.
+  True he's very blind and lame,
+  And he's well beyond the span
+  Meted out to mortal man,
+  And his gout is getting worse
+  (Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce);
+  Still, if he won't mend his ways,
+  One of these fine Autumn days
+  I'm afraid there's bound to be
+  Quite an awful tragedy.
+  He'll be shot--I'm sure he will
+  (Meaning Percy now, not Bill).
+
+    II.
+
+  Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies!
+  In the dust our hero lies.
+  Weeping-willow, bow thy head!
+  Our precocious fowl is dead.
+  Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for
+  Perce the Partridge is no more!
+
+  Now, as long as he was ready
+  Just to sit, sedate and steady,
+  On the barrel of the gun
+  Little mischief could be done;
+  But on that sad morn a whim
+  Suddenly seized hold of him;
+  'Twas the lunatic desire
+  To observe how shot-guns fire;
+  So he boldly took his stand
+  Where the barrel ended, and,
+  All agog to solve the puzzle,
+  Poked his napper up the muzzle.
+
+  Well, the weapon at the minute
+  Chanced to have a cartridge in it,
+  And it happened that my friend
+  Bill was at the other end,
+  Who with calm unflurried aim
+  Failed (at last) to miss the game.
+
+  With the tragic tale of Percy's
+  Death I meant to close these verses,
+  But we see quite clearly there, too,
+  Other ills that Bird is heir to.
+  He has also lost, you see,
+  Individuality;
+  Perce the Partridge, named and known,
+  With an ego all his own,
+  Disappears; and in his place
+  There remains but "half-a-brace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Landlord._ "GEORGE, BILLIARDS WILL BE
+EIGHTEENPENCE A HUNDRED."
+
+_Potman._ "THAT'S MORE'N THEY PAID BEFORE, SIR."
+
+_New Landlord._ "WHAT DID THEY PAY?"
+
+_Potman._ "WELL, IT _WAS_ A BOB, BUT THEY MOSTLY SNEAKED OUT THROUGH
+THAT DOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Situations to Suit all Ages.=
+
+    "Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for invoicing department of West
+    End wholesale firm."--_Daily Paper._
+
+    "Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of age, to undertake all
+    household duties, country residence."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DICK WHITTINGTON, 1920.
+
+    And, last of all, here is Dick WPhittington, otherwise known as
+    Alderman Roll, Lord Mayor of London."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But for the headline we should never have recognised him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Beginner._ "I HOPE TO HEAVEN I'VE GOT THE LABELS
+ON THE RIGHT STICKS, OR I'M DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEAU BRIMACOMBE.
+
+"Well, Uncle Tom," I said, leaning over the gate, "and what did you
+think of London?"
+
+On Monday morning Uncle Tom Brimacombe had driven off in his trap with
+his wife to the nearest station, five miles away, and had gone up to
+London for the first time in his life, "to see about a legacy."
+
+"Lunnon! mai laife. It's a vaine plaace. Ai used 'think Awkeyampton
+was a big town, but ai'm barmed if Lunnon dawn't beat un.
+
+"As you knaw, Zur, us 'ad to get up and gaw off 'bout three in th'
+morn'n, and us got upalong Lunnon 'bout tain. Well, the waife knew 'er
+waay 'bout, laike; 'er 's bin to Plymouth 'fore now. Zo when us gets
+out of the traain us gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes us down
+a 'awl in the ground. Ai was fraightened out 'me laife. 'Yer,' ai sez,
+'wur be us gwaine then?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee axno questions, me dyur,' sez the waife, 'or ai'll vorget
+ahl what the guard in the traain tawld us.'
+
+"Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine down and us gets out, and ai'm
+blawed if us wadn't in a staation ahl below the ground! Then a traain
+comes out of anither 'awl, and befwer us 'ad zat down proper inzaide
+un, 'er was off agaain, 'thout waitin' vur watter nor noth'n'. Well,
+we zat us down and thur was tu little maids a-vaacin' us what 'adn'
+mwer'n lef' school a yer'tu, and naw zinner do they zet eyes on me
+than one of 'n whispers zimmat to tither and they bawth starts gazin'
+at my 'at and laaf'n'.
+
+"Well, ai stid it vur some taime and at laast ai cuden' a-bear it naw
+longer, so ai says to the waife, 'Fur whai they'm laaf'n' then? What's
+wrong wi' my 'at?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee taake naw nawtice of they,' 'er says. 'The little 'uzzies
+ought to be at 'awm look'n' aafter the chicken, 'staid of gallivantin'
+about ahl bai thursalves. Yure 'at's all raight.'
+
+"Ai was wear'n' me awld squeer brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laanson
+market on Zat'dys.
+
+"Well, zune us gets out, though ai caan't tall'ee whur tu 'twas, and
+ai caan't tall'ee what us did nither, vur me 'aid was gwaine round an'
+round and aachin' vit to burst. But us vound the plaace us was aafter
+and saigned ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us tu. Then, when us
+gets outsaide, the waife, 'er says, 'Look'ee, me dyur, thur's a bit
+of graass and some trees; us'll gawn zit down awver there and eat our
+paasties.'
+
+"Maighty pwer graass 'twas tu, but thur was seats, so us ait our
+paasties thur, and us bawth started crai'in when us bit into un. They
+zort 'er taasted of 'awm, laike.
+
+"Then ahl't once the waife, 'er says, 'Pon mai word, thur's a man
+taak'n our vottygraff.' And thur 'e was, tu, with a black tarpaulin
+awver 'is 'aid! 'Come away, me dyur,' says she; 'ai'm not gwaine to
+paay vur naw vottygraffs. Ai 'ad one done at Laanson 'oss shaw when
+ai was a gal, and it faaded clean away insaide a twelve-month.' Zo us
+gaws back along the staation agaan and comes 'awm just in taime to get
+the cows in.
+
+"Well, next evenin' ai went down along 'The Duke' to tall 'em ahl
+'bout Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they ahl starts shout'n' and
+bangin' thur mugs and waav'n the paaper at me. 'What's come awver yu?'
+ai axes un; 'yume ahl gone silly then?'
+
+"'Theym bin and put yure vottygraff in the paaper, Uncle,' says John
+Tonkin, and 'awlds un out vur me to look. And thur, sure 'nuff, 'twas,
+with the waife in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n out and keep'n.
+Yur 'tis if 'eed laike to see un."
+
+Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket, drew out a cutting and handed it to
+me. There surely enough was a photo of him and "the waife," sitting on
+a public garden-seat eating pasties and underneath the legend--
+
+    "SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE.
+
+  An old couple snapped in Hyde Park.
+  The gentleman, smart though elderly,
+  is seen wearing a brown model of _The
+  Daily Mail_ hat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AFTER THE BALL.=
+
+"_The Spirit of Jazz._" "TAXI!"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "SORRY, SIR--OLE NICK 'AS JUST COPPED ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CYNOSURE.
+
+Among the passengers on the boat was a tall dark man with a black
+moustache and well-cut clothes who spent most of his time walking the
+deck or reading alone in his chair. Every ship has such recluses, who
+often, however, are on the fringe of several sets, although members
+of none. But this man remained apart and, being so determined and
+solitary, he was naturally the subject of comment and inquiry, even
+more of conjecture. His name was easy to discover from the plan of the
+table, but we knew no more until little Mrs. King, who is the best
+scout in the world, brought the tidings.
+
+"I can't tell you much," she began breathlessly; "but there's
+something frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift knows all about him.
+He met him once in Poona and they have mutual friends. And how do you
+think he described him? He says he's the worst liver in India."
+
+There is no need to describe the sensation created by this piece of
+information. If the man had set us guessing before, he now excited
+a frenzy of curiosity. The glad news traversed the ship like wind,
+brightening every eye; at any rate every female eye. For, though the
+good may have their reward elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if
+public interest is any guerdon, the bad get it on earth.
+
+Show me a really bad man--dark-complexioned, with well-cut clothes
+and a black moustache--and I will show you a hero; a hero a little
+distorted, it is true, but not much the less heroic for that. Show me
+a notorious breaker of male hearts and laws and--so long as she
+is still in business--I will show you a heroine; again a little
+distorted, but with more than the magnetism of the virtuous variety.
+
+For the rest of the voyage the lonely passenger was lonely only
+because he preferred to be, or was unaware of the agitation which
+he caused. People walked for hours longer than they liked or even
+intended in order to have a chance of passing him in his chair and
+scrutinising again the features that masked such depravity. For that
+they masked it cannot be denied. A physiognomist looking at him would
+have conceded a certain gloom, a trend towards introspection, possibly
+a hypertrophied love of self, but no more. Physiognomists, however,
+can retire from the case, for they are as often wrong as hand-writing
+experts. And if any Lavater had been on board and had advanced such
+a theory he would have been as unpopular as JONAH, for the man's
+wickedness was not only a joy to us but a support. Without it the
+voyage would have been interminable.
+
+What, we all wondered, had he done? Had he murdered as well as
+destroyed so many happy homes? Was he crooked at cards? Our minds
+became acutely active, but we could discover no more because the old
+Colonel, the source of knowledge, had fallen ill and was invisible.
+
+Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweepstakes were lost and won, deck
+sports flourished, fancy-dress dances were held, concerts were
+endured, a Colonial Bishop addressed us on Sunday mornings and the
+tall dark man with the black moustache and different suits of well-cut
+clothes sat in his chair and passed serenely from one OPPENHEIM to
+another as though no living person were within leagues.
+
+It was not until we were actually in port that the Colonel recovered
+and I came into touch with him. Standing by the rail we took advantage
+of the liberty to speak together, which on a ship such propinquity
+sanctions. After we had exchanged a few remarks about the clumsiness
+of the disembarking arrangements I referred to the man of mystery and
+turpitude, and asked for particulars of some of his milder offences.
+
+"Why do you suppose him such a blackguard?" he asked.
+
+"But surely----" I began, a little disconcerted.
+
+"He's a man," the Colonel continued, "that everyone should be sorry
+for. He's a wreck, and he's going home now probably to receive his
+death sentence."
+
+This was a promising phrase and I cheered up a little, but only for a
+moment.
+
+"That poor devil," said the Colonel, "as I told Mrs. King earlier in
+the voyage, has the worst liver in India."
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+
+A VACILLATING POLICY.
+
+(_A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies._)
+
+  When the Man of Insurance made his rounds
+  I "covered" my house for a thousand pounds;
+  Then someone started a fire in the grounds
+    At the end of a wild carouse.
+  The building was burnt; I made my claim
+  And the Man of Insurance duly came.
+            Said he, "Always
+            Our Company pays
+    Without any fuss or grouse;
+  But your home was rotted from drains to flues;
+  I therefore offer you as your dues
+  Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose,
+    A better and brighter house."
+
+  I took the money; I need not say
+  What abuse I hurled at his head that day;
+  But, when he began in his artful way
+    To talk of Insurance (Life),
+  And asked me to take out a policy for
+  My conjugal partner, my _cordium cor_,
+            "No, no," said I,
+            "If my spouse should die
+    We should enter again into strife;
+  You would come and say at the funeral, 'Sir,
+  Your wife was peevish and plain; for her
+  I offer six hundred or, if you prefer,
+    A better and brighter wife.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY GARDENER.
+
+(_Extracts from a Synthetic Diary à la mode._)
+
+_November 11th._--Now is the time to plant salsify, or the vegetable
+oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crustacean flavour so
+dear to herbaceous boarders. This may be still further accentuated
+by planting it in soil containing lime, chalk or other calcareous or
+sebaceous deposits.
+
+Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it is desirable
+to remove the quills before entrusting the animal to the oven. But the
+hedgehog cannot be cooked until he is caught, and his capture should
+not be attempted without strong gloves. Those recently invented by
+Lord THANET are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among
+culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served _en casserole_
+or in _coquilles_; but these are negligible details when you are
+steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a warm November sun, and
+mild air currents lag over the level leagues where the water is but
+slightly crimped and the alighting heron is lost among the neutral
+tints that envelop him....
+
+Though the sun's rays are not now so fervent as they were in the
+dog-days, gardening without any headgear is dangerous, especially in
+view of the constant stooping. For the protection of the _medulla_
+nothing is better than the admirable hat recently placed on the market
+by the benevolent enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective
+substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum lined
+with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of safety-pins.
+
+As the late Sir ANDREW CLARK remarked in a luminous phrase, Nature
+forgives but she never forgets. The complete gardener should always
+aim (unlike the successful journalist) at keeping his head cool and
+his feet warm; and here again the noble enterprise of a newspaper
+has provided the exact _desideratum_ in its happily-named Corkolio
+detachable soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads are dark
+and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when all the flowers have
+gone and the carrion-crow from the vantage of a pollard utters harsh
+notes of warning to all the corvine company round about....
+
+Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy these sinister
+visitants and ply the task of "heeling over" broccoli towards the
+north with perfect impunity.
+
+The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late seasons, and
+probably one of the indirect but none the less disastrous results of
+the Land Valuation policy of the PRIME MINISTER, can be kept down by
+leaving bowls of caviare mixed with molasses in the places which they
+most frequent. This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose
+condition, in which they can be safely exterminated with the aid of
+the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) recently invented
+by a director of one of the journals already alluded to.
+
+But _tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe_; and while the kingfisher
+turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon-yellow of the
+willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of the oak-crowns succeeds
+to the crimson of the beeches and the gold of the elms, we shall do
+well to emulate the serene magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves
+with the reflection that the rural philosopher, if only assured of
+a sympathetic hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with a
+suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may contemplate
+the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with fortitude and even
+felicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY.
+
+    ["To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there
+    is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened."
+
+    _Note on Men's Dress._]
+
+  Garbed in the very height and pink of fashion,
+   To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair,
+  Nursing within my ardent heart a passion
+    I long had had a craving to declare;
+  Being convinced that never would there fall so
+    Goodly a chance again, I mused how she
+  Was good and kind and beautiful, and also
+        Expecting me to tea.
+
+  And after tea I stood before her, feeling
+    Now was the moment when the maid would melt,
+  My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing
+    The graces of a figure trimly svelte,
+  But, all unworthy to adorn a poet
+    Who'd bought it for a fabulous amount,
+  Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it
+        Popped on its own account.
+
+  The button, dodging my attempts to hide it,
+    Rolled to her very feet and rested there,
+  And when I laid my loving heart beside it
+    She only smiled at that incongruous pair--
+  Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy
+    Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone,
+  Promised that she would be a sister to me
+        And sew the button on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Test of Endurance.
+
+    "The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m. Anyone
+    still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria."
+
+    _East African Paper._
+
+For ourselves, after seventeen hours' continuous dancing, we shall not
+want any more tickets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a parish magazine:--
+
+    "A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers
+    which protect the Sunday."
+
+We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don't want to remain
+virulent. It is a terrible dilemma.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SITUATION: _Burglar caught red-handed._
+
+_Woman._ "THE SORCE O' THE FELLER! 'E PRETENDED TO BE ME 'USBAND AND
+CALLED OUT, 'IT'S ALL RIGHT, DARLIN'--IT'S ONLY ME.' IT WAS THE WORD
+'DARLIN'' WOT GIVE 'IM AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In looking at the title-page of _John Seneschal's Margaret_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) no lover of good stories but will be saddened by the
+reflection that the superscription, "by AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE," is
+there seen for the last time. The double signature, herald of how much
+pleasure in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable
+but well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who was
+mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son, heir and
+_fiancé_ by the different members of the welcoming group in the home
+that wasn't his. The descriptions of this home, by the way--a house
+whose identification will be easy enough for those who know the
+beautiful North-Dorset country--are as good as any part of the book.
+If you protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly
+improbable but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, I must
+admit the first charge, but point out that the authors here secure
+originality by making the deception an unintended one. _John Tempest_,
+who in the hardships of his escape has lost memory of his own
+identity, never ceases to protest that he is at least not the other
+_John_ for whom the members of the _Seneschal_ family persist in
+taking him--a twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added
+probability. However, the inevitable solution of the problem provides
+a story entertaining enough, though not, I think, one that will
+obliterate your memory of others, incomparable, from hands to which we
+all owe a debt of long enjoyment.
+
+I read _Inisheeny_ (METHUEN), as I believe I have read every story by
+the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was the hand I will ask you to
+guess. Characters: one Church of Ireland parson, drily humorous, as
+narrator; one lively heroine with archæological father, hunting for
+relics; one schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.I.C. officer on
+the look-out for concealed arms; poachers, innkeepers, peasants, etc.
+Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the mainland of Western
+Ireland and a small islet off the coast. Will the gentleman who said
+"GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM" kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts?
+I suppose it was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my
+simple secret. Mr. "BIRMINGHAM" is one of the too few authors who
+understand what emotion an island of the proper size and right
+distance from the coast can raise in the human breast. _Inisheeny_
+delightfully fulfilled every condition in this respect; not to mention
+sheltering an illicit still and being the home of Keltic treasure.
+Precisely in fact the right kind of place, and the sort of story that
+hardly anyone can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that, perhaps
+a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour of the affair seems to
+lose spontaneity and become forced. But till the real climax of the
+tale, the triumphant return of the various hunters from _Inisheeny_, I
+can promise that you will find never a dull page.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were moments in _The Headland_ (HEINEMANN) when, with _Roma
+Lennox_, the "companion" and heroine, I "shivered, feeling that
+London, compared with the old house on the Headland and the family
+inhabiting it, was a clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited
+by robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick." Cornwall
+is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the _Pendragon_ family
+was not merely queer but hereditarily rotten and decadent: the old
+father, who burns a valuable old book of his own to appease his
+violent temper; the granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty
+addicted to hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them.
+Mrs. C. A. DAWSON SCOTT has powerfully suggested the atmosphere of
+the strange and tragic household, mourning its dead mistress; and she
+understands the peculiar quality of the Cornish people and the Cornish
+seas. I have not read her other novels, but, if she will promise to
+wrestle with one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise
+to look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the Wellsian
+triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scott does overdo it. And a good deal
+of her quite penetrating psycho-thingummy was spoiled for me by her
+trick of conveying nearly every impression and reflection of her
+characters through an impersonal "you" or "one." This means an economy
+of words and for a short time a certain vividness, but it soon becomes
+tedious. One knows what a tangle you get into if one starts using
+"one's" and "you's" in your letters; and you find that the author
+has been caught once or twice. However, the story is good enough to
+survive that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The title of _The Lady of The Lawn_ (JENKINS) has "the ornament of
+alliteration," but beyond that there doesn't seem to be any particular
+reason why Mr. W. RILEY should have chosen it. Certainly in his story
+there is an old lady who spends more of the winter on a lawn than any
+old lady of my acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a
+summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside; but _Miss
+Barbara_ and her site really have not so much to do with the tale as
+its title seems to imply. The love affairs of a young officer who,
+while blind from wounds, fell in love with his nurse to the extent of
+becoming engaged to her and didn't recognise her when they met again,
+are Mr. RILEY'S real concern. _Eric_, who is quite as priggish as
+his name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady of
+leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of remorse on
+account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse. _Marion_ or
+_Constance_, for she uses two names to help the confusion, lets him
+suffer a while for the good of his soul, but the happy ending, the
+promise of which is breathed from every line of the book, is duly
+brought about. His publisher asserts that "there is no living author
+who writes about Yorkshire as does Mr. RILEY." I daresay he is quite
+right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned I don't
+think that I should have bothered to mention it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those--and I suspect they are many--whose first real enthusiasm for
+ABRAHAM LINCOLN was kindled by Mr. JOHN DRINKWATER'S romantic morality
+play can profitably take up Mr. IRVING BACHELLER'S _A Man for the
+Ages_ (CONSTABLE) for an engaging account of the early days of the
+great Democrat. They will forgive a certain flamboyance about the
+author's preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be worthy, is a very
+pardonable weakness, and they should certainly admire the skill and
+humour with which he has patched together, or invented where seemly,
+the story of lanky ABE, with his axeman's skill, his immense physical
+strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion for books, his
+lean purse and "shrinking pants," his wit, courage and resource. A
+romance of reasonable interest and plausibility is woven round young
+Lincoln's story. Perhaps Mr. BACHELLER makes his hero speak a little
+too sententiously at times, and certainly some of his other folk say
+queer things, such as, "What so vile as a cheap aristocracy, growing
+up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, with every brutal passion
+broad-blown as flush as May?" What indeed! The picture of pioneering
+America in the thirties is a fresh and interesting one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To few of those who visit Switzerland, with its incomparable
+mountains, can it have occurred that, once a man is kept there against
+his will, it can be a prison as damnable as any other; possibly even
+more damnable by reason of those same inevitable mountains. British
+prisoners of war interned there knew that. Mr. R. O. PROWSE, in _A
+Gift of the Dusk_ (COLLINS), speaks with subtle penetration for those
+other prisoners, interned victims of the dreadful malady. Of necessity
+he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very genial philosopher,
+permitting himself candidly "just that little cynicism which helps
+to keep one tolerant." He is of the old and entertaining school of
+sentimental travellers, but he is far from being old-fashioned. The
+story running through his observations and modern instances is so
+frail and delicate a thing that I hesitate to touch it and to risk
+disturbing its bloom. All readers, save the very young and the very
+old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing Cross ("I have a
+childlike fondness for trains. I like to be in them, I like to see
+them go by") to the peaceful, almost happy end, at the mountain refuge
+by the valley of the Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way;
+and they will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture of
+that most melancholy hotel where the story is set.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES.
+
+_Mounted Gentleman_ (_who has come to grief in a morass_). "IF I
+ESCAPE THIS PERIL I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO BUILD A CHURCH HERE AS A
+THANK-OFFERING. AN ILL SITE, I FEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Safety Model.
+
+    "Lady's strong cycle, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels."--_Cycling._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the M.C.C. team's match at Colombo:
+
+    "When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping
+    finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera."--_Ceylon
+    Paper._
+
+Happily HOBBS appears to have waked up when he got to Australia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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