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diff --git a/1929.txt b/1929.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..febd5f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/1929.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5160 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The School For Scandal, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The School For Scandal + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + + +Release Date: October, 1999 [Etext #1929] +Last Updated: July 10, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL *** + + + + +Produced by Gary R. Young + + + + + + + + +THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL + + +A COMEDY + +A PORTRAIT<1> + +BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ. + + +Transcriber's Comments on the preparation of this E-Text: + +SQUARE BRACKETS: + +The square brackets, i.e. [ ] are copied from the printed book, without +change, except that a closing bracket "]" has been added to the stage +directions. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +For this E-Text version of the book, the footnotes have been +consolidated at the end of the play. + +Numbering of the footnotes has been changed, and each footnote is given +a unique identity in the form <X>. + + +CHANGES TO THE TEXT: + +Character names have been expanded. For Example, SIR BENJAMIN was SIR +BEN. + + + + +THE TEXT OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL + +The text of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL in this edition is taken, by Mr. +Fraser Rae's generous permission, from his SHERIDAN'S PLAYS NOW PRINTED +AS HE WROTE THEM. In his Prefatory Notes (xxxvii), Mr. Rae writes: "The +manuscript of it [THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL] in Sheridan's own handwriting +is preserved at Frampton Court and is now printed in this volume. This +version differs in many respects from that which is generally known, +and I think it is even better than that which has hitherto been read and +acted. As I have endeavoured to reproduce the works of Sheridan as he +wrote them, I may be told that he was a bad hand at punctuating and very +bad at spelling. . . . But Sheridan's shortcomings as a speller have +been exaggerated." Lest "Sheridan's shortcomings" either in spelling +or in punctuation should obscure the text, I have, in this edition, +inserted in brackets some explanatory suggestions. It has seemed best, +also, to adopt a uniform method for indicating stage-directions and +abbreviations of the names of characters. There can be no gain to the +reader in reproducing, for example, Sheridan's different indications for +the part of Lady Sneerwell--LADY SNEERWELL, LADY SNEER., LADY SN., and +LADY S.--or his varying use of EXIT and EX., or his inconsistencies in +the use of italics in the stage-directions. Since, however, Sheridan's +biographers, from Moore to Fraser Rae, have shown that no authorised or +correct edition of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL was published in Sheridan's +lifetime, there seems unusual justification for reproducing the text of +the play itself with absolute fidelity to the original manuscript. Mr. +Ridgway, who repeatedly sought to obtain a copy corrected by the author, +according to Moore's account (LIFE OF SHERIDAN, I. p. 260), "was told +by Mr. Sheridan, as an excuse for keeping it back, that he had been +nineteen years endeavouring to satisfy himself with the style of The +School for Scandal, but had not yet succeeded." Mr. Rae (SHERIDAN, I. p. +332) recorded his discovery of the manuscript of "two acts of The School +for Scandal prepared by Sheridan for publication," and hoped, before his +death, to publish this partial revision. Numberless unauthorized changes +in the play have been made for histrionic purposes, from the first +undated Dublin edition to that of Mr. Augustin Daly. Current texts may +usually be traced, directly or indirectly, to the two-volume Murray +edition of Sheridan's plays, in 1821. Some of the changes from the +original manuscript, such as the blending of the parts of Miss Verjuice +and Snake, are doubtless effective for reasons of dramatic economy, but +many of the "cuts" are to be regretted from the reader's standpoint. The +student of English drama will prefer Sheridan's own text to editorial +emendations, however clever or effective for dramatic ends. + + + + + +THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL + + +ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE, + +WITH THE COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL + + Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school, + Who rail by precept, and detract by rule, + Lives there no character, so tried, so known, + So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own, + That even you assist her fame to raise, + Approve by envy, and by silence praise!-- + Attend!--a model shall attract your view-- + Daughters of calumny, I summon you! + You shall decide if this a portrait prove, + Or fond creation of the Muse and Love.-- + Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage, + Ye matron censors of this childish age, + Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare + A fixt antipathy to young and fair; + By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold, + In maiden madness, virulently bold!-- + Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale, + Creating proof, where innuendos fail! + Whose practised memories, cruelly exact, + Omit no circumstance, except the fact!-- + Attend, all ye who boast,--or old or young,-- + The living libel of a slanderous tongue! + So shall my theme as far contrasted be, + As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny. + Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name, + In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame); + Come--for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while + Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile, + With timid grace, and hesitating eye, + The perfect model, which I boast, supply:-- + Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create + Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate-- + Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace + The faintest wonder of her form and face-- + Poets would study the immortal line, + And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine; + That art, which well might added lustre give + To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative: + On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise, + Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes! + Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise, + Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays! + But praising Amoret we cannot err, + No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her! + Yet she, by Fate's perverseness--she alone + Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own! + Adorning Fashion, unadorn'd by dress, + Simple from taste, and not from carelessness; + Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild, + Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild: + No state has AMORET! no studied mien; + She frowns no GODDESS, and she moves no QUEEN. + The softer charm that in her manner lies + Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise; + It justly suits th' expression of her face,-- + 'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace! + On her pure cheek the native hue is such, + That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much, + The hand divine, with a less partial care, + Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there, + And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,-- + Inshrined Modesty!--supply the rest. + But who the peril of her lips shall paint? + Strip them of smiles--still, still all words are faint! + But moving Love himself appears to teach + Their action, though denied to rule her speech; + And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear, + Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear; + Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence + To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense: + Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught, + They move in meaning, and they pause in thought! + But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise, + The mild irresolution of her eyes, + Curious to mark how frequent they repose, + In brief eclipse and momentary close-- + Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there, + Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care + Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light, + Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight? + Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet, + In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat. + What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow + Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow, + By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles, + More fatal still the mercy of her smiles! + Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all + Of bright or fair that can to woman fall, + The height of vanity might well be thought + Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault. + Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme + As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme; + And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store, + She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:-- + Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach, + Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach, + Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern + How far it is a woman's grace to learn; + In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove + Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love, + Graced by those signs which truth delights to own, + The timid blush, and mild submitted tone: + Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout, + Displays the tender hue of female doubt; + Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears, + How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears! + Such too her talents, and her bent of mind, + As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined: + A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd, + A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled, + A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide; + An awe of talent, which she owns with pride! + Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong, + But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong; + Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise + Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise + Has spread conviction through the envious train, + And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign! + And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue, + Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung-- + Owns all the colours just--the outline true; + Thee my inspirer, and my MODEL--CREWE! + + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2> + + SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King + SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates + YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer + CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith + CRABTREE Mr. Parsons + SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd + ROWLEY Mr. Aikin + SPUNGE + MOSES + SNAKE + CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES + + LADY TEAZLE + MARIA + LADY SNEERWELL + MRS. CANDOUR + MISS VERJUICE + + + + +PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK + + A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you, + Needs there a school this modish art to teach you? + No need of lessons now, the knowing think; + We might as well be taught to eat and drink. + Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours + Distress our fair ones--let them read the papers; + Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit; + Crave what you will--there's quantum sufficit. + "Lord!" cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle, + And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle), + Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing + Strong tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refreshing! + Give me the papers, Lisp--how bold and free! [Sips.] + LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D. + For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips.] + IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING, + WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN. + Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it, + But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it. + Now, Lisp, read you--there, at that dash and star:" + "Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE, + WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE; + FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING, + WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me! the villain! + Throw it behind the fire, and never more + Let that vile paper come within my door." + Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart; + To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart. + Is our young bard so young, to think that he + Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny? + Knows he the world so little, and its trade? + Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid. + So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging: + Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging. + Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd, + Again our young Don Quixote takes the road; + To show his gratitude he draws his pen, + And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den. + For your applause all perils he would through-- + He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true, + Till every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you. + + + + +ACT I + + +SCENE I.--LADY SNEERWELL'S House + +LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking +chocolate + +LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted: + +VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand +there can be no suspicion whence they came. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue +with Captain Boastall? + +VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the +Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep. + +LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain +Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook. + +VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I told +the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it +directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a +Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose +sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the +common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within +four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent--a great +deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in her way--To my +knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three +sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors. +Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements--nine separate +maintenances and two Divorces.--nay I have more than once traced her +causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine--when the Parties +perhaps had never seen each other's Faces before in the course of their +Lives. + +VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents. + +LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross. + +VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free +tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her +outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and +mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice. + +VERJUICE. Not in the least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do +more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail +even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support +it. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny the +satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded myself, in +the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of Slander I confess +I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others to the Level +of my own injured Reputation. + +VERJUICE. Nothing can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell There +is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess I +am at a Loss to guess your motives. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir +Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet.--And has my conduct in this matter +really appeared to you so mysterious? + + [Exit MAID.] + +VERJUICE. Entirely so. + +LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,] having +taken a young wife from out of the Country--as Lady Teazle is--are +certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery--but here are +two young men--to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of Guardian since +their Father's death, the eldest possessing the most amiable Character +and universally well spoken of[,] the youngest the most dissipated +and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom, without Friends or +caracter--the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently +your Favourite[,] the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter's ward--and +confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it +is utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great +jointure--should not close with the passion of a man of such character +and expectations as Mr. Surface--and more so why you should be so +uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment subsisting between +his Brother Charles and Maria. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this mistery--I must inform you +that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface +and me. + +VERJUICE. No! + +LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune--but +finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged to mask his +Pretensions--and profit by my Assistance. + +VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself +in his success. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the +weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have concealed even from +you--must I confess that Charles--that Libertine, that extravagant, that +Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He it is for whom I am thus +anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrifice--everything---- + +VERJUICE. Now indeed--your conduct appears consistent and I no longer +wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how came you and Surface so +confidential? + +LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but I have found out him a long +time since[,] altho' He has contrived to deceive everybody beside--I +know him to be artful selfish and malicious--while with Sir Peter, and +indeed with all his acquaintance, He passes for a youthful Miracle of +Prudence--good sense and Benevolence. + +VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in +England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT. + +LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments and +hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with +respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter Lady Teazle +into the same good opinion towards him--while poor Charles has no Friend +in the House--though I fear he has a powerful one in Maria's Heart, +against whom we must direct our schemes. + +SERVANT. Mr. Surface. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time. I don't +wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover. + + Enter SURFACE + +SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day--your most +obedient. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual +attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the +Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate. You know +how useful she has been to us--and believe me the confidence is not +ill-placed. + +SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss +Verjuice's sensibility and discernment---- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--no compliments now--but tell me when you saw +your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother. + +SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw you--but I can inform you +that they are at present at Variance--some of your stories have taken +good effect on Maria. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you. +But do your Brother's Distresses encrease? + +SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his house +yesterday--in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I +have ever heard of. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles! + +SURFACE. True Madam--notwithstanding his Vices one can't help feeling +for him--ah poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my Power to be of +any essential Service to him--for the man who does not share in +the Distresses of a Brother--even though merited by his own +misconduct--deserves---- + +LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget that you are +among Friends. + +SURFACE. Egad, that's true--I'll keep that sentiment till I see Sir +Peter. However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a +Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be so only by a Person of +your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding. + +VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment. + +SURFACE. But--Madam--let me caution you to place no more confidence in +our Friend Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him in frequent +conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly my Father's +Steward and has never been a friend of mine. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected the +fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villany. + + Enter MARIA + +Maria my dear--how do you do--what's the matter? + +MARIA. O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, +has just call'd at my guardian's with his odious Uncle Crabtree--so I +slipt out and ran hither to avoid them. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Is that all? + +VERJUICE. Lady Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I mention'd to +you. + +SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam, perhaps you +would not have been so much alarmed. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now--you are severe for I dare swear the Truth +of the matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--what has Sir +Benjamin done that you should avoid him so---- + +MARIA. Oh He has done nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual Libel +on all his Acquaintance. + +SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing +Them, for He'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best Friend--and +Crabtree is as bad. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make allowance[--]Sir Benjamin is a +wit and a poet. + +MARIA. For my Part--I own madam--wit loses its respect with me, when I +see it in company with malice.--What do you think, Mr. Surface? + +SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn on +another's Breast is to become a principal in the mischief. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Pshaw--there's no possibility of being witty without a +little [ill] nature--the malice of a good thing is the Barb that makes +it stick.--What's your opinion, Mr. Surface? + +SURFACE. Certainly madam--that conversation where the Spirit of Raillery +is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid-- + +MARIA. Well I'll not debate how far Scandal may be allowable--but in a +man I am sure it is always contemtable.--We have Pride, envy, Rivalship, +and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other--but the male-slanderer +must have the cowardice of a woman before He can traduce one. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice hadn't left us--she should +embrace you. + +SURFACE. Ah! she's an old maid and is privileged of course. + + Enter SERVANT + +Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at leisure will leave +her carriage. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in. Now, Maria[,] however here is a +Character to your Taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little talkative +everybody allows her to be the best-natured and best sort of woman. + +MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and +Benevolence--she does more mischief than the Direct malice of old +Crabtree. + +SURFACE. Efaith 'tis very true Lady Sneerwell--Whenever I hear the +current running again the characters of my Friends, I never think them +in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is---- + + Enter MRS. CANDOUR + +MRS. CANDOUR. My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this Century. +I have never seen you tho' I have heard of you very often.--Mr. +Surface--the World says scandalous things of you--but indeed it is +no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing else but +scandal. + +SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma'am. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Child--what[!] is the whole affair off between +you and Charles? His extravagance; I presume--The Town talks of nothing +else---- + +MARIA. I am very sorry, Ma'am, the Town has so little to do. + +MRS. CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there's no stopping people's +Tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it--as I indeed was to learn from the +same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and Lady Teazle have not +agreed lately so well as could be wish'd. + +MARIA. 'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what's to be done? People will +talk--there's no preventing it.--why it was but yesterday I was told +that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt. But, Lord! there +is no minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this from very good +authority. + +MARIA. Such reports are highly scandalous. + +MRS. CANDOUR. So they are Child--shameful! shameful! but the world is +so censorious no character escapes. Lord, now! who would have suspected +your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet such is the ill-nature +of people, that they say her unkle stopped her last week just as she was +stepping into a Postchaise with her Dancing-master. + +MARIA. I'll answer for't there are no grounds for the Report. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear[;] no more +probably than for the story circulated last month, of Mrs. Festino's +affair with Colonel Cassino--tho' to be sure that matter was never +rightly clear'd up. + +SURFACE. The license of invention some people take is monstrous indeed. + +MARIA. 'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such things are +equally culpable. + +MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are as bad as the Tale +makers--'tis an old observation and a very true one--but what's to be +done as I said before--how will you prevent People from talking--to-day, +Mrs. Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon were at last become +mere man and wife--like [the rest of their] acquaintance--she likewise +hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her Dropsy +and recovered her shape in a most surprising manner--at the same [time] +Miss Tattle, who was by affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo had discover'd his +Lady at a house of no extraordinary Fame--and that Sir Harry Bouquet and +Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar Provocation. But--Lord! +do you think I would report these Things--No, no[!] Tale Bearers as I +said before are just as bad as the talemakers. + +SURFACE. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and good +nature-- + +MRS. CANDOUR. I confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People +traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly circumstances come out +against our acquaintances I own I always love to think the best--by the +bye I hope 'tis not true that your Brother is absolutely ruin'd-- + +SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, Ma'am-- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Ah! I heard so--but you must tell him to keep up his +Spirits--everybody almost is in the same way--Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas +Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit--all up, I hear, within this +week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find half his Acquaintance ruin'd +too, and that, you know, is a consolation-- + +SURFACE. Doubtless, Ma'am--a very great one. + + Enter SERVANT + +SERVANT. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your lover pursues you--Positively +you shan't escape. + + Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE + +CRABTREE. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don't believe +you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin Backbite--Egad, Ma'am, He +has a pretty wit--and is a pretty Poet too isn't He Lady Sneerwell? + +SIR BENJAMIN. O fie, Uncle! + +CRABTREE. Nay egad it's true--I back him at a Rebus or a Charade against +the best Rhymer in the Kingdom--has your Ladyship heard the Epigram he +wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's Feather catching Fire--Do Benjamin +repeat it--or the Charade you made last Night extempore at Mrs. +Drowzie's conversazione--Come now your first is the Name of a Fish, your +second a great naval commander--and + +SIR BENJAMIN. Dear Uncle--now--prithee---- + +CRABTREE. Efaith, Ma'am--'twould surprise you to hear how ready he is at +all these Things. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I wonder Sir Benjamin you never publish anything. + +SIR BENJAMIN. To say truth, Ma'am, 'tis very vulgar to Print and as my +little Productions are mostly Satires and Lampoons I find they +circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the Friends of the +Parties--however I have some love-Elegies, which, when favoured with +this lady's smile I mean to give to the Public. + +[Pointing to MARIA.] + +CRABTREE. 'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they'll immortalize you--you'll be handed +down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Yes Madam I think you will like them--when you shall see +in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall meander +thro' a meadow of margin--'fore Gad, they will be the most elegant +Things of their kind-- + +CRABTREE. But Ladies, have you heard the news? + +MRS. CANDOUR. What, Sir, do you mean the Report of---- + +CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.--Miss Nicely is going to be married to +her own Footman. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible! + +CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin. + +SIR BENJAMIN. 'Tis very true, Ma'am--everything is fixed and the wedding +Livery bespoke. + +CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't. + +MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe such a +story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely. + +SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at +once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that everybody +was sure there was some reason for it at bottom. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation of +a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the +strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation, +that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster characters of a +hundred Prudes. + +SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation as well +as constitution--who being conscious of their weak Part, avoid the +least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina by care and +circumspection-- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistake--You know, Sir Benjamin +very trifling circumstances often give rise to the most injurious Tales. + +CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear how +Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character last summer at +Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray-- + +CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assembly--the conversation +happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep in +this country--says a young Lady in company[, "]I have known instances +of it[--]for Miss Letitia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine, had a +Nova-Scotia Sheep that produced her Twins.["--"]What!["] cries the old +Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post), ["]has Miss +Letitia Shepherd had twins["]--This Mistake--as you may imagine, threw +the whole company into a fit of Laughing--However 'twas the next morning +everywhere reported and in a few Days believed by the whole Town, that +Miss Letitia Shepherd had actually been brought to Bed of a fine Boy +and Girl--and in less than a week there were People who could name the +Father, and the Farm House where the Babies were put out to Nurse. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed! + +CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I assure you--O Lud! Mr. Surface pray is it +true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home-- + +SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir. + +CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long time--you can scarcely +remember him--I believe--sad comfort on his arrival to hear how your +Brother has gone on! + +SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope no Busy +people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him--He may reform-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He may--for my Part I never believed him to be +so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho' he has lost all his +Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of--by the Jews. + +CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward I believe +Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there, 'fore Gad I +hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine and that whenever +He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery of his Health in the +synagogue-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me when +He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with a dozen of his +own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting in the Anti-Chamber, and +an officer behind every guest's Chair. + +SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay very +little regard to the Feelings of a Brother. + +MARIA. Their malice is intolerable--Lady Sneerwell I must wish you a +good morning--I'm not very well. + + [Exit MARIA.] + +MRS. CANDOUR. O dear she chang'd colour very much! + +LADY SNEERWELL. Do Mrs. Candour follow her--she may want assistance. + +MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul ma'am.--Poor dear Girl--who +knows--what her situation may be! + + [Exit MRS. CANDOUR.] + +LADY SNEERWELL. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear +Charles reflected on notwithstanding their difference. + +SIR BENJAMIN. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious. + +CRABTREE. But Benjamin--you mustn't give up the Pursuit for that--follow +her and put her into good humour--repeat her some of your verses--come, +I'll assist you-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt you--but depend on't +your Brother is utterly undone-- + + [Going.] + +CRABTREE. O Lud! aye--undone--as ever man was--can't raise a guinea. + +SIR BENJAMIN. And everything sold--I'm told--that was movable-- + + [Going.] + +CRABTREE. I was at his house--not a thing left but some empty Bottles +that were overlooked and the Family Pictures, which I believe are framed +in the Wainscot. + + [Going.] + +SIR BENJAMIN. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories against +him. + + [Going.] + +CRABTREE. O He has done many mean things--that's certain! + +SIR BENJAMIN. But however as He is your Brother---- + + [Going.] + +CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity. + + [Exeunt.] + +LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! 'tis very hard for them to leave a subject +they have not quite run down. + +SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your Ladyship +than Maria. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than we +imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may as +well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of observing +farther--in the meantime, I'll go and plot Mischief and you shall study +Sentiments. + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE II.--SIR PETER'S House + + Enter SIR PETER + +SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife--what is He to +expect--'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest +of men--and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever +committed wedlock. We tift a little going to church--and came to a +Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing--I was more than once nearly +chok'd with gall during the Honeymoon--and had lost all comfort in Life +before my Friends had done wishing me Joy--yet I chose with caution--a +girl bred wholly in the country--who never knew luxury beyond one silk +gown--nor dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball--Yet she now +plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the +Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a +grass Plot out of Grosvenor-Square! I am sneered at by my old +acquaintance--paragraphed--in the news Papers--She dissipates my +Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours--yet the worst of it is I doubt +I love her or I should never bear all this. However I'll never be weak +enough to own it. + + Enter ROWLEY + +ROWLEY. Sir Peter, your servant:--how is 't with you Sir-- + +SIR PETER. Very bad--Master Rowley--very bad[.] I meet with nothing but +crosses and vexations-- + +ROWLEY. What can have happened to trouble you since yesterday? + +SIR PETER. A good--question to a married man-- + +ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your +uneasiness. + +SIR PETER. Why has anybody told you she was dead[?] + +ROWLEY. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstanding your +tempers do not exactly agree. + +SIR PETER. But the Fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley--I am myself, +the sweetest temper'd man alive, and hate a teasing temper; and so I +tell her a hundred Times a day-- + +ROWLEY. Indeed! + +SIR PETER. Aye and what is very extraordinary in all our disputes she +is always in the wrong! But Lady Sneerwell, and the Set she meets at her +House, encourage the perverseness of her Disposition--then to complete +my vexations--Maria--my Ward--whom I ought to have the Power of a Father +over, is determined to turn Rebel too and absolutely refuses the man +whom I have long resolved on for her husband--meaning I suppose, to +bestow herself on his profligate Brother. + +ROWLEY. You know Sir Peter I have always taken the Liberty to differ +with you on the subject of these two young Gentlemen--I only wish you +may not be deceived in your opinion of the elder. For Charles, my life +on't! He will retrieve his errors yet--their worthy Father, once my +honour'd master, was at his years nearly as wild a spark. + +SIR PETER. You are wrong, Master Rowley--on their Father's Death you +know I acted as a kind of Guardian to them both--till their uncle Sir +Oliver's Eastern Bounty gave them an early independence. Of course no +person could have more opportunities of judging of their Hearts--and I +was never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young +men of the Age--He is a man of Sentiment--and acts up to the Sentiments +he professes--but for the other[,] take my word for't [if] he had any +grain of Virtue by descent--he has dissipated it with the rest of his +inheritance. Ah! my old Friend, Sir Oliver will be deeply mortified when +he finds how Part of his Bounty has been misapplied. + +ROWLEY. I am sorry to find you so violent against the young man because +this may be the most critical Period of his Fortune. I came hither with +news that will surprise you. + +SIR PETER. What! let me hear-- + +ROWLEY. Sir Oliver is arrived and at this moment in Town. + +SIR PETER. How!--you astonish me--I thought you did not expect him this +month!-- + +ROWLEY. I did not--but his Passage has been remarkably quick. + +SIR PETER. Egad I shall rejoice to see my old Friend--'Tis sixteen years +since we met--We have had many a Day together--but does he still enjoin +us not to inform his Nephews of his Arrival? + +ROWLEY. Most strictly--He means, before He makes it known to make some +trial of their Dispositions and we have already planned something for +the purpose. + +SIR PETER. Ah there needs no art to discover their merits--however he +shall have his way--but pray does he know I am married! + +ROWLEY. Yes and will soon wish you joy. + +SIR PETER. You may tell him 'tis too late--ah Oliver will laugh at +me--we used to rail at matrimony together--but He has been steady to his +Text--well He must be at my house tho'--I'll instantly give orders for +his Reception--but Master Rowley--don't drop a word that Lady Teazle and +I ever disagree. + +ROWLEY. By no means. + +SIR PETER. For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes; so I'd have +him think that we are a very happy couple. + +ROWLEY. I understand you--but then you must be very careful not to +differ while He's in the House with you. + +SIR PETER. Egad--and so we must--that's impossible. Ah! Master Rowley +when an old Batchelor marries a young wife--He deserves--no the crime +carries the Punishment along with it. + + [Exeunt.] + + END OF THE FIRST ACT + + + + +ACT II + + + + +SCENE I.--SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE + +SIR PETER. Lady Teazle--Lady Teazle I'll not bear it. + +LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter--Sir Peter you--may scold or smile, according to +your Humour[,] but I ought to have my own way in everything, and what's +more I will too--what! tho' I was educated in the country I know very +well that women of Fashion in London are accountable to nobody after +they are married. + +SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have no +influence, no authority? + +LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sure--if you wanted authority over me, +you should have adopted me and not married me[:] I am sure you were old +enough. + +SIR PETER. Old enough--aye there it is--well--well--Lady Teazle, tho' +my life may be made unhappy by your Temper--I'll not be ruined by your +extravagance-- + +LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a +woman of Fashion ought to be. + +SIR PETER. No no Madam, you shall throw away no more sums on such +unmeaning Luxury--'Slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing Room +with Flowers in winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a +Greenhouse, and give a Fete Champetre at Christmas. + +LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flowers are dear in +cold weather? You should find fault with the Climate, and not with me. +For my Part I'm sure I wish it was spring all the year round--and that +Roses grew under one's Feet! + +SIR PETER. Oons! Madam--if you had been born to those Fopperies I +shouldn't wonder at your talking thus;--but you forget what your +situation was when I married you-- + +LADY TEAZLE. No, no, I don't--'twas a very disagreeable one or I should +never nave married you. + +SIR PETER. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat a humbler +Style--the daughter of a plain country Squire. Recollect Lady Teazle +when I saw you first--sitting at your tambour in a pretty figured linen +gown--with a Bunch of Keys at your side, and your apartment hung round +with Fruits in worsted, of your own working-- + +LADY TEAZLE. O horrible!--horrible!--don't put me in mind of it! + +SIR PETER. Yes, yes Madam and your daily occupation to inspect +the Dairy, superintend the Poultry, make extracts from the Family +Receipt-book, and comb your aunt Deborah's Lap Dog. + +LADY TEAZLE. Abominable! + +SIR PETER. Yes Madam--and what were your evening amusements? to draw +Patterns for Ruffles, which you hadn't the materials to make--play Pope +Joan with the Curate--to read a sermon to your Aunt--or be stuck down to +an old Spinet to strum your father to sleep after a Fox Chase. + +LADY TEAZLE. Scandalous--Sir Peter not a word of it true-- + +SIR PETER. Yes, Madam--These were the recreations I took you from--and +now--no one more extravagantly in the Fashion--Every Fopery adopted--a +head-dress to o'er top Lady Pagoda with feathers pendant horizontal and +perpendicular--you forget[,] Lady Teazle--when a little wired gauze with +a few Beads made you a fly Cap not much bigger than a blew-bottle, and +your Hair was comb'd smooth over a Roll-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Shocking! horrible Roll!! + +SIR PETER. But now--you must have your coach--Vis-a-vis, and three +powder'd Footmen before your Chair--and in the summer a pair of white +cobs to draw you to Kensington Gardens--no recollection when y ou were +content to ride double, behind the Butler, on a docked Coach-Horse? + +LADY TEAZLE. Horrid!--I swear I never did. + +SIR PETER. This, madam, was your situation--and what have I not done +for you? I have made you woman of Fashion of Fortune of Rank--in short I +have made you my wife. + +LADY TEAZLE. Well then and there is but one thing more you can make me +to add to the obligation. + +SIR PETER. What's that pray? + +LADY TEAZLE. Your widow.-- + +SIR PETER. Thank you Madam--but don't flatter yourself for though your +ill-conduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart I promise +you--however I am equally obliged to you for the Hint. + +LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so +disagreeable to me--and thwart me in every little elegant expense. + +SIR PETER. 'Slife--Madam I pray, had you any of these elegant expenses +when you married me? + +LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Peter would you have me be out of the Fashion? + +SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed!--what had you to do with the Fashion +before you married me? + +LADY TEAZLE. For my Part--I should think you would like to have your +wife thought a woman of Taste-- + +SIR PETER. Aye there again--Taste! Zounds Madam you had no Taste when +you married me-- + +LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter! after having married you +I should never pretend to Taste again I allow. + +SIR PETER. So--so then--Madam--if these are your Sentiments pray how +came I to be honour'd with your Hand? + +LADY TEAZLE. Shall I tell you the Truth? + +SIR PETER. If it's not too great a Favour. + +LADY TEAZLE. Why the Fact is I was tired of all those agreeable +Recreations which you have so good naturally [naturedly] Described--and +having a Spirit to spend and enjoy a Fortune--I determined to marry the +first rich man that would have me. + +SIR PETER. A very honest confession--truly--but pray madam was there no +one else you might have tried to ensnare but me. + +LADY TEAZLE. O lud--I drew my net at several but you were the only one I +could catch. + +SIR PETER. This is plain dealing indeed-- + +LADY TEAZLE. But now Sir Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle I +presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's? + +SIR PETER. Aye--there's another Precious circumstance--a charming set of +acquaintance--you have made there! + +LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune--and +remarkably tenacious of reputation. + +SIR PETER. Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance, +for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character but themselves! +Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles who has done less +mischief than these utterers of forged Tales, coiners of Scandal, and +clippers of Reputation. + +LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech? + +SIR PETER. Aye they have made you just as bad [as] any one of the +Society. + +LADY TEAZLE. Why--I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace--But +I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say an +ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humour--and I take it for +granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me, but Sir Peter you +know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too. + +SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character. + +LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be +too late--so good bye to ye. + +SIR PETER. So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation--yet +with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say--and how +pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't +make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling +with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is +doing everything in her Power to plague me. + + [Exit.] + + + + +SCENE II.--At LADY SNEERWELL'S + + LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE, + and SURFACE + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it. + +SURFACE. Yes--yes the Epigram by all means. + +SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense-- + +CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore! + +SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with the +circumstances. You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty +Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo +Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I +took out my Pocket-Book--and in one moment produced--the following:-- + + 'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies; + Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies, + Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong, + Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long. + +CRABTREE. There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback +too. + +SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles. + + Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA + +MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter? + +LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down to +Piquet with Mr. Surface. + +MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you +Please. + +LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her--I thought +He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir +Peter came--[Aside.] + +MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your +society. + +LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour? + +MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be +handsome. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . . + +[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am. + +MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour. + +CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on-- + +LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen it +come and go-- + +CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night, and comes +again in the morning. + +SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's more +egad her maid can fetch and carry it-- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so! But surely, +now, her Sister, is or was very handsome. + +CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's an hour! + +MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two, or fifty-three +is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was to see +her Face. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair the +ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity--and +surely that's better than the careless manner in which the widow Ocre +chaulks her wrinkles. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come, it +isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face she +joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended Statue, +in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the +Trunk's antique---- + +CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew! + +MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate you +for it--what do you think of Miss Simper? + +SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth. + +LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking nor +laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts her +mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured! + +LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim +takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till it +resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to +slide out edgewise. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe. + +LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes +Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry. + + Enter SIR PETER + +SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set! a +character's dead at every word, I suppose. + +MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been so +censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one. + +SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare +swear. + +MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even good +nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy. + +LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's +[Quadrille's] last Night? + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such +Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her. + +MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed. + +LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--laces +herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer you may +see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a +Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot. + +MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her. + +SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly! + +MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as Miss Sallow. + +CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious--an +awkward Gawky, without any one good Point under Heaven! + +LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss +Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her Person great +allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you a woman labours under many +disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the weakness +in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle-light it is not to +be wonder'd at. + +LADY SNEERWELL. True and then as to her manner--upon my word I think +it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least +Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner, and her +Father a sugar-Baker at Bristow.-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! you are both of you too good-natured! + +SIR PETER. Yes, damned good-natured! Her own relation! mercy on me! +[Aside.] + +MRS. CANDOUR. For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend +ill-spoken of? + +SIR PETER. No, to be sure! + +SIR BENJAMIN. Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs. Candour and can sit for an +hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert +after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks for +mottoes--made up of Paint and Proverb. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend--and so I +constantly tell my cousin Ogle--and you all know what pretensions she +has to be critical in Beauty. + +LADY TEAZLE. O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that +ever was seen--'tis a collection of Features from all the different +Countries of the globe. + +SIR BENJAMIN. So she has indeed--an Irish Front---- + +CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Dutch Nose---- + +CRABTREE. Austrian Lips---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard---- + +CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa--where +no two guests are of a nation---- + +CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the +members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her +Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[!] a Person they dine with twice a week! +[Aside.] + +LADY SNEERWELL. Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so--for +give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle---- + +SIR PETER. Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these +good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs. Candour that the Lady +they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take +her Part. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel +creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow +wit in others. + +SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?] to good +Nature than your Ladyship is aware of. + +LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that +they can never be united. + +SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one +seldom sees them together. + +LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He +would have it put down by Parliament. + +SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting +with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors--and pass +an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for +the Bill. + +LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our +Privileges-- + +SIR PETER. Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to +kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and +disappointed Widows.-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster-- + +MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who +only report what they hear? + +SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too--and in all +cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to +be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the +indorsers. + +CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale +without some foundation.<3> + +LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room? + + Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER + +SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly.-- + + [Exit SERVANT.] +I'll get away unperceived. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us? + +SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular +Business--but I leave my Character behind me-- + + [Exit.] + +SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a +strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh +heartily if He wern't your Husband. + +LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em. + + [join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.] + +SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society. + +MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the +infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be +the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of +Dullness-- + +SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no +malice at heart-- + +MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my +opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a +natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind. + +SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of +mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable +than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others +and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest +Passion.-- + +MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject-- + +SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your +guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother +is still a favour'd Rival. + +MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that +unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound to +give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive +him of the regard even of a Brother. + +SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's +honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not--no you +shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle---- + +MARIA. Lady Teazle! + +SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect---- + + [Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward] + +LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me!--Child you are +wanted in the next Room.--What's all this, pray-- + +SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow +suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd +to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring +to reason with her when you came. + +LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of +reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees? + +SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast----but Lady +Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you +promised---- + +LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent--and you know +I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires. + +SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is +entitled to. + +LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion--however, I +have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill +humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to---- + +SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation. + +LADY TEAZLE. Go--you are an insinuating Hypocrite--but we shall be +miss'd--let us join the company. + +SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together. + +LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stay--for Maria shan't come to hear any more of +your Reasoning, I promise you-- + + [Exit.] + +SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into. I wanted +at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she might not +be my enemy with Maria--and I have I don't know how--become her +serious Lover, so that I stand a chance of Committing a Crime I never +meditated--and probably of losing Maria by the Pursuit!--Sincerely I +begin to wish I had never made such a Point of gaining so very good a +character, for it has led me into so many curst Rogueries that I doubt I +shall be exposed at last. + + [Exit.] + + + + +SCENE III.--At SIR PETER'S + + --ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER-- + +SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old Friend is married, hey?--a young +wife out of the country!--ha! ha! that he should have stood Bluff to old +Bachelor so long and sink into a Husband at last! + +ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver--'tis a +tender Point I assure you though He has been married only seven months. + +SIR OLIVER. Ah then he has been just half a year on the stool +of Repentance--Poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up +Charles--never sees him, hey? + +ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishing--and I am sure greatly +increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazle--which he has +been industriously led into by a scandalous Society--in the +neighbourhood--who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name. +Whereas the truth is[,] I believe[,] if the lady is partial to either of +them his Brother is the Favourite. + +SIR OLIVER. Aye--I know--there are a set of malicious prating prudent +Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill time, and +will rob a young Fellow of his good name before He has years to know the +value of it. . . but I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by +such I promise you! No! no--if Charles has done nothing false or mean, I +shall compound for his extravagance. + +ROWLEY. Then my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, Sir, it gives me +new vigour to find that your heart is not turned against him--and that +the son of my good old master has one friend however left-- + +SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowley--when I was at his +house myself--egad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent +youths--and yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your +old master was[.] + +ROWLEY. 'Tis this Reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be +a credit to his Family--but here comes Sir Peter---- + +SIR OLIVER. Egad so He does--mercy on me--He's greatly altered--and +seems to have a settled married look--one may read Husband in his Face +at this Distance.-- + + Enter SIR PETER + +SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Oliver--my old Friend--welcome to England--a thousand +Times! + +SIR OLIVER. Thank you--thank you--Sir Peter--and Efaith I am as glad to +find you well[,] believe me-- + +SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met--sixteen year I doubt Sir +Oliver--and many a cross accident in the Time-- + +SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share--but, what[!] I find you are +married--hey my old Boy--well--well it can't be help'd--and so I wish +you joy with all my heart-- + +SIR PETER. Thank you--thanks Sir Oliver.--Yes, I have entered into the +happy state but we'll not talk of that now. + +SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn't begin on +grievances at first meeting. No, no-- + +ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir---- + +SIR OLIVER. Well--so one of my nephews I find is a wild Rogue--hey? + +SIR PETER. Wild!--oh! my old Friend--I grieve for your disappointment +there--He's a lost young man indeed--however his Brother will make you +amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be--everybody in the world +speaks well of him-- + +SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it--he has too good a character to be an +honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow'd as +low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue. + +SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies? + +SIR OLIVER. Yes--if He has merit enough to deserve them. + +SIR PETER. Well--well--you'll be convinced when you know him--'tis +edification to hear him converse--he professes the noblest Sentiments. + +SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments--if he salutes me with a scrap +sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly--but however +don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend Charles's Errors--but +before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of +their Hearts--and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the +Purpose. + +ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken. + +SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour---- + +SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine--and we'll drink the +Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme. + +SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then---- + +SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's +son. + +SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy.-- + +ROWLEY. Come--come--Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own +guidance. + +SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life--I am not sorry that He has run out of the +course a little--for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to +the green juices of youth--'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the +growth of the Tree. + + END OF THE SECOND ACT + + + + +ACT III + + + + +SCENE I.--At SIR PETER'S + + SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY + +SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine +afterwards.--but how is this, Master Rowley--I don't see the Jet of your +scheme. + +ROWLEY. Why Sir--this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly +related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin--but +has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes--and now lately +coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here--has been +flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors--where he is now with +two helpless Boys.-- + +SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this +to lead to--? + +ROWLEY. You shall hear--He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and +Charles--from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises +of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has +left him power to do--and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum +of money--part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He +intends for the service of poor Stanley. + +SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son. + +SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to---- + +ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has +obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friends--and as they +have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his +character--and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of +the Benevolence of their Dispositions. + +SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing--I make no doubt Charles is +Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had +it-- + +SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it--. I have brought a few Rupees +home with me Sir Peter--and I only want to be sure of bestowing them +rightly.-- + +ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one +who in the midst of Folly and dissipation--has still, as our immortal +Bard expresses it,-- + + "a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity." + +SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse +either when He has nothing left to give!--but if you talk of humane +Sentiments--Joseph is the man--Well, well, make the trial, if you +please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to +examine, relative to Charles's affairs? + +ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better +intelligence--This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him +justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a +proper sense of his extravagance. + +SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in. + +ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs. + + [Calls to SERVANT.] + +SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth? + +ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering +certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, +who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his +interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom I +shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir Peter[,] +relative to Charles and Lady Teazle. + +SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject. + +ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite. + + Enter MOSES +--This is Sir Oliver. + +SIR OLIVER. Sir--I understand you have lately had great dealings with my +Nephew Charles. + +MOSES. Yes Sir Oliver--I have done all I could for him, but He was +ruined before He came to me for Assistance. + +SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky truly--for you have had no opportunity of +showing your Talents. + +MOSES. None at all--I hadn't the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses till +he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add +to them. + +SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your +Power for him honest Moses? + +MOSES. Yes he knows that--This very evening I was to have brought him a +gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance +some money. + +SIR PETER. What[!] one Charles has never had money from before? + +MOSES. Yes[--]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars. + +SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me!--Charles you say +does'nt know Mr. Premium? + +MOSES. Not at all. + +SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of +satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation--go +with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I'll answer +for't you'll see your Nephew in all his glory. + +SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may visit +Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. + +SIR PETER. True so you may. + +ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be +sure--however Moses--you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful---- + +MOSES. You may depend upon me--and this is near the Time I was to have +gone. + +SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses----but +hold--I have forgot one thing--how the plague shall I be able to pass +for a Jew? + +MOSES. There's no need--the Principal is Christian. + +SIR OLIVER. Is He--I'm very sorry to hear it--but then again--an't I +rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-Lender? + +SIR PETER. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in +your own carriage--would it, Moses! + +MOSES. Not in the least. + +SIR OLIVER. Well--but--how must I talk[?] there's certainly some cant of +usury and mode of treating that I ought to know. + +SIR PETER. Oh, there's not much to learn--the great point as I take it +is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses? + +MOSES. Yes that's very great Point. + +SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that--I'll ask him +eight or ten per cent. on the loan--at least. + +MOSES. You'll be found out directly--if you ask him no more than that, +you'll be discovered immediately. + +SIR OLIVER. Hey!--what the Plague!--how much then? + +MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances--if he appears not very +anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per +cent.--but if you find him in great Distress, and want the monies very +bad--you may ask double. + +SIR PETER. A good--[h]onest Trade you're learning, Sir Oliver-- + +SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think so--and not unprofitable-- + +MOSES. Then you know--you haven't the monies yourself, but are forced to +borrow them for him of a Friend. + +SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I? + +MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion'd Dog--but you can't help it. + +SIR OLIVER. My Friend's an unconscionable Dog, is he? + +MOSES. Yes--and He himself hasn't the monies by him--but is forced to +sell stock--at a great loss-- + +SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he--at a great loss, is +he--well that's very kind of him-- + +SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir Oliver--Mr. Premium I mean--you'll soon be master +of the Trade--but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a +minor-- + +MOSES. O yes-- + +SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him-- + +MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure. + +SIR OLIVER. Well--well I shall be perfect-- + +SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little +against the annuity Bill--that would be in character I should think-- + +MOSES. Very much-- + +ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion +before He is suffered to ruin himself! + +MOSES. Aye, great Pity! + +SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only +object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief +of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without +being undone by coming into Possession. + +SIR OLIVER. So--so--Moses shall give me further instructions as we go +together. + +SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives hard +bye-- + +SIR OLIVER. Oh Never--fear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho' Charles +lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat +Rogue before I turn the Corner-- + + [Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.] + +SIR PETER. So--now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced--you shan't +follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for +'tother plot. + +ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter-- + +SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to +say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her.-- + + [Exit ROWLEY.] +I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and +Charles were unjust--I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to +my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do it--He will give me +his opinion sincerely.-- + + Enter MARIA + +So Child--has Mr. Surface returned with you-- + +MARIA. No Sir--He was engaged. + +SIR PETER. Well--Maria--do you not reflect[,] the more you converse with +that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you deserves? + +MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter--your frequent importunity on this subject +distresses me extremely--you compell me to Declare that I know no man +who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer to +Mr. Surface-- + +SIR PETER. Soh! Here's Perverseness--no--no--Maria, 'tis Charles only +whom you would prefer--'tis evident his Vices and Follies have won your +Heart. + +MARIA. This is unkind Sir--You know I have obey'd you in neither seeing +nor corresponding with him--I have heard enough to convince me that +He is unworthy my regard--Yet I cannot think it culpable--if while my +understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart suggests some Pity +for his Distresses. + +SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your Heart +and Hand to a worthier object. + +MARIA. Never to his Brother! + +SIR PETER. Go--perverse and obstinate! but take care, Madam--you have +never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is--don't compel me to +inform you of it.-- + +MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason--'tis true, by +my Father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his +substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to +be miserable. + + [Exit.] + +SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[?] everything conspiring to +fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before +her Father--a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe--for the +Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here +comes my Helpmate!--She appears in great good humour----how happy I +should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little---- + + Enter LADY TEAZLE + +LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with +Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye--! + +SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good +humour'd at all times-- + +LADY TEAZLE. I am sure--I wish I had--for I want you to be in a charming +sweet temper at this moment--do be good humour'd now--and let me have +two hundred Pounds will you? + +SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour +without paying for it--but speak to me thus--and Efaith there's nothing +I could refuse you. You shall have it--but seal me a bond for the +repayment. + +LADY TEAZLE. O no--there--my Note of Hand will do as well-- + +SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an +independent settlement--I shall shortly surprise you--and you'll not +call me ungenerous--but shall we always live thus--hey? + +LADY TEAZLE. If you--please--I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off +quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first-- + +SIR PETER. Well--then let our future contest be who shall be most +obliging. + +LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you--you look +now as you did before we were married--when you used to walk with me +under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your +youth--and chuck me under the chin you would--and ask me if I thought I +could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing--didn't you? + +SIR PETER. Yes--yes--and you were as kind and attentive---- + +LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was--and would always take your Part, when my +acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule-- + +SIR PETER. Indeed! + +LADY TEAZLE. Aye--and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff +peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who +might be my Father--I have always defended you--and said I didn't think +you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a +husband-- + +SIR PETER. And you prophesied right--and we shall certainly now be the +happiest couple---- + +LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again. + +SIR PETER. No never--tho' at the same time indeed--my dear Lady +Teazle--you must watch your Temper very narrowly--for in all our little +Quarrels--my dear--if you recollect my Love you always began first-- + +LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon--my dear Sir Peter--indeed--you always +gave the provocation. + +SIR PETER. Now--see, my Love take care--contradicting isn't the way to +keep Friends. + +LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love! + +SIR PETER. There now--you are going on--you don't perceive[,] my Life, +that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always +makes me angry. + +LADY TEAZLE. Nay--you know if you will be angry without any reason--my +Dear---- + +SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again. + +LADY TEAZLE. No--I am sure I don't--but if you will be so peevish---- + +SIR PETER. There--now who begins first? + +LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure--I said nothing[--]but there's no +bearing your Temper. + +SIR PETER. No--no--my dear--the fault's in your own temper. + +LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be-- + +SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy--is a forward impertinent Gipsey-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear--how dare you abuse my Relations-- + +SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever +I try to be Friends with you any more---- + +LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better. + +SIR PETER. No--no Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me--I was +a madman to marry you-- + +LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you--an old dangling +Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty--only because He never could +meet with any one who would have him. + +SIR PETER. Aye--aye--Madam--but you were pleased enough to listen to +me--you never had such an offer before-- + +LADY TEAZLE. No--didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier--who everybody +said would have been a better Match--for his estate is just as good as +yours--and he has broke his Neck since we have been married! + +SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an +unfeeling--ungrateful--but there's an end of everything--I believe you +capable of anything that's bad--Yes, Madam--I now believe the Reports +relative to you and Charles--Madam--yes--Madam--you and Charles are--not +without grounds---- + +LADY TEAZLE. Take--care Sir Peter--you had better not insinuate any such +thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you---- + +SIR PETER. Very--well--Madam--very well! a separate maintenance--as soon +as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce--I'll make an example of myself +for the Benefit of all old Batchelors--Let us separate, Madam. + +LADY TEAZLE. Agreed--agreed--and now--my dear Sir Peter we are of a +mind again, we may be the happiest couple--and never differ again, you +know--ha! ha!--Well you are going to be in a Passion I see--and I shall +only interrupt you--so, bye! bye! hey--young Jockey try'd and countered. + + [Exit.] + +SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can't +I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not +bear her presuming to keep her Temper--No she may break my Heart--but +she shan't keep her Temper. + + [Exit.] + + + + +SCENE II.--At CHARLES's House + + Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER + +TRIP. Here Master Moses--if you'll stay a moment--I'll try whether +Mr.----what's the Gentleman's Name? + +SIR OLIVER. Mr.----Moses--what IS my name---- + +MOSES. Mr. Premium---- + +TRIP. Premium--very well. + + [Exit TRIP--taking snuff.] + +SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants--one wouldn't believe the master +was ruin'd--but what--sure this was my Brother's House---- + +MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture, +Pictures, &c.--just as the old Gentleman left it--Sir Peter thought it a +great piece of extravagance in him. + +SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him was more +reprehensible by half.---- + + Enter TRIP + +TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and +can't speak with you yet. + +SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn't +have sent such a Message. + +TRIP. Yes--yes--Sir--He knows you are here--I didn't forget little +Premium--no--no---- + +SIR OLIVER. Very well--and pray Sir what may be your Name? + +TRIP. Trip Sir--my Name is Trip, at your Service. + +SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip--I presume your master is seldom without +company---- + +TRIP. Very seldom Sir--the world says ill-natured things of him but 'tis +all malice--no man was ever better beloved--Sir he seldom sits down to +dinner without a dozen particular Friends---- + +SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeed--you have a pleasant sort of Place +here I guess? + +TRIP. Why yes--here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably +enough--but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear--and not +very great either--but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and +Bouquets---- + +SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets!--Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside.] + +TRIP. But a propos Moses--have you been able to get me that little Bill +discounted? + +SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too!--mercy on me! has his distresses, +I warrant[,] like a Lord--and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside.] + +MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed---- + +TRIP. Good lack--you surprise me--My Friend Brush has indorsed it and +I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas as good as +cash. + +MOSES. No 'twouldn't do. + +TRIP. A small sum--but twenty Pound--harkee, Moses do you think you +could get it me by way of annuity? + +SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity--Well +done Luxury egad! [Aside.] + +MOSES. Who would you get to join with you? + +TRIP. You know my Lord Applice--you have seen him however---- + +MOSES. Yes---- + +TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes--nobody dresses +better, nobody throws off faster--very well this Gentleman will stand my +security. + +MOSES. Well--but you must insure your Place. + +TRIP. O with all my Heart--I'll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you +please. + +SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck---- + +MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit? + +TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd lately--but +I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity +of redemption before November or--you shall have the reversion--of the +French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver--these I +should think Moses--with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral +security--hey, my little Fellow? + +MOSES. Well well--we'll talk presently--we detain the Gentlemen---- + +SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation. + +TRIP. Harkee--I heard the Bell--I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce +you--don't forget the annuity little Moses. + +SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of +Dissipation indeed! + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE III.--CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc. + + At Table with Wine + +CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true!--there is the great Degeneracy of the +age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but +plague on't they won't drink---- + +CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial +Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh, +certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the +social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright +Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they +drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its +spirit or Flavour. + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than +wine---- + +CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under +a hazard Regimen. + +CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a +horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am +never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a +Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses +which is exactly the same thing. + +SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow +wine and play as to unite Love and Politics. + +CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a +Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man +can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis +the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a +dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched +you. + +CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours---- + +CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast +her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth! + +CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses +that will do I warrant---- + +CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria---- + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who? + +CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in +Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's +superlative. + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless--we'll stand to the +Toast--tho' your mistress should want an eye--and you know you have a +song will excuse you---- + +CARELESS. Egad so I have--and I'll give him the song instead of the +Lady.---- + + SONG.--AND CHORUS--<4> + + Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; + Here's to the widow of fifty; + Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean, + And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. + Chorus. Let the toast pass,-- + Drink to the lass, + I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass. + + Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize; + Now to the maid who has none, sir; + Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes, + And here's to the nymph with but one, sir. + Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c. + + Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow: + Now to her that's as brown as a berry: + Here's to the wife with a face full of woe, + And now to the damsel that's merry. + Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c. + + For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim, + Young or ancient, I care not a feather; + So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim, + So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, + And let us e'en toast them together. + Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c. + + [Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES] + +SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless--Ther's Toast and Sentiment too. + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song.---- + +CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little.--Careless, take the +Chair, will you? + +CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles--what now--this is one of your Peerless +Beauties I suppose--has dropped in by chance? + +CHARLES. No--Faith--to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker who +are come by appointment. + +CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in. + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means---- + +SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker. + +CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart--Trip--bid the Gentlemen walk in--tho' +there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you---- + +TRIP. What Sir--would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with---- + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes--yes Mr. Premium certainly. + +CARELESS. To be sure--Mr. Premium--by all means Charles, let us give +them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious---- + +CHARLES. O, Hang 'em--no--wine does but draw forth a man's natural +qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery. + + Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES + +CHARLES. So--honest Moses--walk in--walk in pray Mr. Premium--that's the +Gentleman's name isn't it Moses. + +MOSES. Yes Sir. + +CHARLES. Set chairs--Trim.--Sit down, Mr Premium.--Glasses Trim.--sit +down Moses.--Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment--Here's Success +to Usury--Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper. + +MOSES. Success to Usury! + +CARELESS. Right Moses--Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to +succeed---- + +SIR OLIVER. Then Here is--all the success it deserves! [Drinks.] + +CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet--but I hope we +shall be better acquainted by and bye---- + +SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall--more intimately perhaps than you'll +wish. [Aside.<5>] + +CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the +toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper. + +FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least. + +MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider--Mr. Premium's a gentleman. + +CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine. + +SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass--this is mutiny, and a high +contempt for the chair. + +CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my +bottle. + +SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen--I did not expect this usage. + +CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger. + +SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.] + +CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down +with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.--Charles, you'll +join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen? + +CHARLES. I will! I will!-- + + [Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.] +Careless. + +CARELESS. [Returning.] Well! + +CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you. + +CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all +the same to me. + + [Exit.] + +MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour +and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this +is---- + +CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, +but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. +Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant +young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old +fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty +per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough +to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted +at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony. + +SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man +of many compliments. + +CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best. + +SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken +in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure +some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? +And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses! + +MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell +a lie! + +CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are +trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without +paying for't! + +SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I +suppose? + +CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out +of the window! + +SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume? + +CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers and +ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my +connections? + +SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am. + +CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in +the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest +expectations? + +SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your +expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell. + +CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious +favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything. + +SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it. + +CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, +Moses? + +MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't. + +SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside.] + +CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a +post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow +has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very +sorry to hear that anything had happened to him. + +SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you +mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I +might live to a hundred and never see the principal. + +CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you +would come on me for the money. + +SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever +had in your life. + +CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a +life? + +SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and +healthy as any man of his years in Christendom. + +CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has +hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm +told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not +know him. + +SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest +relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha! + +CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium? + +SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not. + +CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your +chance. + +SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is +actually arrived. + +CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or +not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses? + +MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly. + +SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I +have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses? + +MOSES. Yes, most undoubted! + +SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds +immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of? + +CHARLES. How do you mean? + +SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind +him a great quantity of massy old plate. + +CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than +I can. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and +corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library +was one of the most valuable and compact. + +CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private +gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so +I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family +like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books? + +CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't +believe even Moses can direct you. + +MOSES. I know nothing of books. + +SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose? + +CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family +pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a +taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain! + +SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your +forefathers, would you? + +CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder. + +SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts? + +CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!--[Aloud.] What the plague, +have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for +Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh +and blood? + +CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if +you have your money's worth? + +SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the +family canvas.--[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never! + + Re-enter CARELESS + +CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you? + +CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above +stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors! + +CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors! + +CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, +we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come along with us. + +CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer +as well as a dice box! Going! going! + +SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.] + +CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's +life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business? + +SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a +rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha!--[Aside.] Oh, the +prodigal! + +CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he +get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations? + + [Exeunt.] + +SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never! + + END OF THE THIRD ACT + + + + +ACT IV + + + + +SCENE I.--A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House + + Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS + +CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family of +the Surfaces, up to the Conquest. + +SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection. + +CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; +no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern +Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make +your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original +and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate +likeness--all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in +human nature besides. + +SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again. + +CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic +character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But +come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of +my grandfather's will answer the purpose. + +CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and +what's an auctioneer without his hammer? + +CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our +genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall +have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, +you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my +ancestors with their own pedigree. + +SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!--an ex post facto parricide! +[Aside.] + +CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith, +Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the +business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into +the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going! + +CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard +Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served +in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye +at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at +him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped +captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should +be. What do you bid? + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak. + +MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak. + +CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure +that's not dear for a staff-officer. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten +pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that. + +CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now, is a maiden +sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best +manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, +a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds +ten--the sheep are worth the money. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on +herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine. + +CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort +of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done some +time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair. + +SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower +in those days. + +CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same. + +MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain. + +CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a +learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him +at, Moses? + +MOSES. Four guineas. + +CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his +wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us +knock his lordship down at fifteen. + +SIR OLIVER. By all means. + +CARELESS. Gone! + +CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, +Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's +very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever +bought or sold. + +SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your +own price, for the honour of Parliament. + +CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty. + +CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was +mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds. + +SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor. + +CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here +into the bargain. + +SIR OLIVER. They're mine. + +CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't! +we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: +what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest +of the family in the lump. + +CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way. + +SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But +there is one portrait which you have always passed over. + +CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee? + +SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so +ill-looking a little fellow, by any means. + +CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he +went to India. + +CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, +Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an +unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate +knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium? + +SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a +looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle +Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber? + +CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has +been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room +to put it in. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.] But, +sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture. + +CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, +haven't you got enough of them? + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything!--[Aloud.] But, Sir, when +I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for +that as for all the rest. + +CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with +it, and there's an end of it. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is.--[Aloud.] Well, +well, I have done.--[Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think +I never saw such a striking resemblance.--[Aloud.] Here is a draught for +your sum. + +CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds! + +SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go? + +CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more. + +SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another +time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, +Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.--Come, Moses. + +CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!--But hark'ee, Premium, +you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen. + +SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two. + +CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I +assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages. + +SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver. + +CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob. + +SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that? + +CHARLES. Peremptorily. + +SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue!--[Aloud.] Good day! Come, +Moses.--[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate! + + [Exit with MOSES.] + +CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with! + +CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how +the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.--Ha! here's +Rowley.--Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments. + +CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to +squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for +tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows. + +CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them. + +CARELESS. Nothing else. + +CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.-- + + [Exit CARELESS.] +So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these +five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven! +I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them +for!--Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful +servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.] + + Enter ROWLEY + +Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your +old acquaintance. + +ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such +spirits under so many distresses. + +CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't +affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all +in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more +sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very +affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I? + +ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment. + +CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me +this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to +old Stanley. + +ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only---- + +CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are +pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that +has a better right to the money. + +ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the +old proverb---- + +CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.--Why, so I would if I could; +but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace +with Generosity, for the soul of me. + +ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection---- + +CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by +Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard. + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE II.--The Parlour + + Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES + +MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in +high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant. + +SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture-- + +MOSES. And loves wine and women so much-- + +SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. + +MOSES. And game so deep-- + +SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley! + + Enter ROWLEY + +ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase---- + +SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like +old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as +cheap as broken China.-- + +ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of +the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old +Stanley---- + +MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable. + +ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure +won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em. + +SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences +too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more +a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley---- + +ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this +time. + + Enter TRIP + +TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this +way--Moses, a word. + + [Exit TRIP with MOSES.] + +SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy +intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he +got to his master! + +ROWLEY. Indeed! + +SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master +Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their +Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their +Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on. + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE III.--A Library + + SURFACE and SERVANT + +SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle? + +SERVANT. No Sir-- + +SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from +coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may +not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the +wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points +in my Favour. + +SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle-- + +SURFACE. Hold[!] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I +have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother. + +SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the +milliner's in the next Street. + +SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will +do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!-- + + [SERVANT draws the screen and exit.] + +I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately +suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that +secret, at least till I have her more in my Power. + + Enter LADY TEAZLE + +LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very +impatient now?--O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't +come before---- + +SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very +unfashionable quality in a Lady. + +LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter +is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too +that's the best of the story isn't it? + +SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.] + +LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then +perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface? + +SURFACE. Indeed I do not.--[Aside.] O certainly I do--for then my dear +Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my +having any design on the silly Girl---- + +LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really +never could perceive why she should have so any admirers. + +SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else-- + +LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she +has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I +declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.-- + +SURFACE. So she would. + +LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you +know is mighty dull-- + +SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding-- + +LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when +one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in +them--she very seldom talks Nonsense. + +SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little +sort of a squint-- + +SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle. + +LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in +one eye--that's the Truth on't. + +SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has +quite corrupted you. + +LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught +by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of +me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other. + +SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than +others of her acquaintance. + +LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured +Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated +I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any +foundation, too; that's what vexes me. + +SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking +circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification +indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there +certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it---- + +LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack +me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of +anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have +him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own +Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous. + +SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer +it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and +withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she +owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows +that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't-- + +SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in +you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his +discernment-- + +LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the +consciousness of my own Innocence---- + +SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very +conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is +it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why +the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in +your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the +consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's +temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your +own Innocence-- + +LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true. + +SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux +Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to +humour and agree with your Husband. + +LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so-- + +SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease +at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a +Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health-- + +LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I +must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my +Reputation.-- + +SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.] + +LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest +Receipt for avoiding calumny. + +SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be +paid for-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced---- + +SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be +convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything +you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it-- + +LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the +Argument? [Rises.] + +SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still +remain with you. + +LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you, +that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's +ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all. + +SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of---- + + Enter SERVANT + +Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want? + +SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir +Peter to come up without announcing him? + +SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil! + +LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd! + +SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in. + +LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--Oh! +mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so +imprudent again---- + + [Goes behind the screen--] + +SURFACE. Give me that--Book!---- + + [Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--] + + Enter SIR PETER + +SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface-- + +SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws +away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I +am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe +since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a +Coxcomb in-- + +SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make +even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps-- + +SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen. + +SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out +anything in a Hurry. + +SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either-- + +SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone-- + +SURFACE. You needn't stay. + +SERVANT. No--Sir---- + + [Exit SERVANT.] + +SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg---- + +SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear +Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the +greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's +conduct of late has made me very unhappy. + +SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it-- + +SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for +me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she +must have formed an attachment to another. + +SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me. + +SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the +Person. + +SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly! + +SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.-- + +SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just +as much as it would you-- + +SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend +whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess +who I mean? + +SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin +Backbite. + +SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles? + +SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the +scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been +charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so +gross an injury-- + +SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads +you--you judge of others by yourself. + +SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own +integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.-- + +SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him +talk so.-- + +SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable +of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself +has too much Principle---- + +SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a +handsome--lively young Fellow-- + +SURFACE. That's very true-- + +SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very +improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she +were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only +laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl---- + +SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh. + +SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil +knows what of me-- + +SURFACE. No--you must never make it public-- + +SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir +Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more +nearly-- + +SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the +wound has double danger in it-- + +SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House +he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my +advice-- + +SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such +Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive +Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should +be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred +with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and +attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of +Society. + +SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble +sentiments!-- + +SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor. + +SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all +ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than +once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel, +she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was +dead.--now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved +she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if +I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her +Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds +which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight +hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my +Fortune after my Death. + +SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may +not corrupt my pupil.--[Aside.] + +SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho' +I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection +yet awhile. + +SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it. + +SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the +situation of your Hopes with Maria. + +SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly]. + +SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to +make in her affection. + +SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when +your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every +way. + +SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with +YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair. + +SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.--I am really too much affected +by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own +concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can +never---- + + Enter SERVANT + +Well, Sir? + +SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street, +and says He knows you're within. + +SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day. + +SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home. + +SURFACE. Well--well--let him up.-- + + [Exit SERVANT.] + +He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.] + +SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles +comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point +we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once.-- + +SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to +trepan my Brother too? + +SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do +him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear +himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse +me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to +be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat.-- + +SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you, +Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable +Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an +absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly +Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran +behind the Screen.-- + +SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been +saying of my Wife. + +SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't. + +SIR PETER. No!--then efaith let her hear it out.--Here's a Closet will +do as well.-- + +SURFACE. Well, go in there.-- + +SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue.-- + +SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm +in!--to part man and wife in this manner.-- + +LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off-- + +SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel! + +SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Joseph--tax him home. + +SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend + +LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?-- + +SURFACE. Be still--my Life! + +SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab? + +SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the +Door. + + Enter CHARLES + +CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't +let me up at first--What[?] have you had a Jew or a wench with you.-- + +SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you. + +CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been +with you-- + +SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to +stay-- + +CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money +of him? + +SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately +given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness. + +CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how +so Pray? + +SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to +gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him. + +CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word.--Ha! ha! ha! so the old +Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's +worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband? + +SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh---- + +CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had +the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour. + +SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this. + +CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to +have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least +encouragement.--Beside you know my Attachment to Maria-- + +SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest +Partiality for you---- + +CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do +a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw +herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to +be her Father---- + +SURFACE. Well? + +CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your +Morality, that's all.--but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me +exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood +YOU were her Favourite-- + +SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish. + +CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant +Glances---- + +SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest-- + +CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called +here---- + +SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles + +CHARLES. And found you together---- + +SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist---- + +CHARLES. And another time when your Servant---- + +SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside.] + +CHARLES. Informed--me that---- + +SURFACE. Hush!--I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we +have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have +consented-- + +CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He-- + +SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.] + +CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter +come forth! + +SURFACE. No--no---- + +CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court.-- + + [Pulls in SIR PETER.] + +What--my old Guardian--what[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence +incog.-- + +SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you +wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan-- + +CHARLES. Indeed!-- + +SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of +you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction. + +CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it +Joseph? + +SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him. + +CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke. + +SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well. + +CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, +for all that--mightn't He, Joseph? + +SIR PETER. Well well I believe you-- + +SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room! + + Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE + +SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers. + +SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is +a Person come on particular Business---- + +CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't +met a long time and I have something to say [to] him. + +SURFACE. They must not be left together.--I'll send this man away and +return directly-- + + [SURFACE goes out.] + +SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one +might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well! +there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment! + +CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good +Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in +his House as a Girl-- + +SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake +but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to +tell him--we should have such a Laugh! + +CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit! + +SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it +again I promise you. + +CHARLES. Why you won't tell him? + +SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a +mind to have a good laugh against Joseph? + +CHARLES. I should like it of all things-- + +SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering +me.--He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.] + +CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest-- + +SIR PETER. Hush!--a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest +is--she's in the room now. + +CHARLES. The devil she is-- + +SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.] + +CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her! + +SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed! + +CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner! + +SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me. + +CHARLES. I'll stand by you---- + +SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming-- + + [SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.] + + Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE + +CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful! + +SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible! + +CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever +saw!--Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide +and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret!--Shall I beg your +Ladyship to inform me!--Not a word!--Brother!--will you please to +explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?--Sir Peter, though I +found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho' +I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly +understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves.--[Going.] +Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so +much uneasiness!--Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a +man of Sentiment!-- + + [Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES.] + +SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are +against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I +shall explain everything to your satisfaction.-- + +SIR PETER. If you please--Sir-- + +SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions +to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the +Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S +he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those +Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your +Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth +of the Matter. + +SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the +Lady will vouch for every article of it. + +LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter-- + +SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie. + +LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman +has told you. + +SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am-- + +SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.] + +LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself-- + +SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better +story than you without Prompting. + +LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to +your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but +I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at +least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your +Honour to his Baseness. + +SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.] + +SURFACE. The Woman's mad-- + +LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have +furnished her with the means. Sir Peter--I do not expect you to credit +me--but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could +not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had +I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery--my future +life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude--as for that +smooth-tongued Hypocrite--who would have seduced the wife of his too +credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward--I +behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again +Respect myself for having Listened to him. + + [Exit.] + +SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter--Heaven knows---- + +SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!--and so I leave you to your +conscience-- + +SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter--you SHALL hear me--The man who +shuts out conviction by refusing to---- + + [Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.] + + END OF THE FOURTH + + + + +ACT V + + + + +SCENE I.--The Library + + Enter SURFACE and SERVANT + +SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?--you +must know he came to ask something! + +SERVANT. Sir--I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to +the Door with him. + +SURFACE. Pshaw!--Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper +to receive visits from poor Relations!--well why don't you show the +Fellow up? + +SERVANT. I will--Sir--Why, Sir--it was not my Fault that Sir Peter +discover'd my Lady---- + +SURFACE. Go, fool!-- + + [Exit SERVANT.] + +Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before--my +character with Sir Peter!--my Hopes with Maria!--destroy'd in a +moment!--I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!--I +shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley--So! +here--He comes and Rowley with him--I MUST try to recover myself, and +put a little Charity into my Face however.---- + + [Exit.] + + Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY + +SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He--was it not? + +ROWLEY. It was Sir--but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly--his +Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for +him--I should have gone first to break you to him. + +SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves--yet this is He whom Sir Peter +extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!-- + +ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking--I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to +do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any +private Gentleman in the Kingdom--though he is seldom so sensual as to +indulge himself in the exercise of it---- + +SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at +his Fingers' ends!-- + +ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there +is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home.' + +SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs +abroad at all. + +ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to +interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to +announce--your arrival in your real Character. + +SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's---- + +ROWLEY. Without losing a moment. + + [Exit.] + +SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance +of his Features. + + Enter SURFACE + +SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment +waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume---- + +SIR OLIVER. At your Service. + +SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you +Sir. + +SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half! + +SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am +extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my +mother--I think Mr. Stanley---- + +SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do +discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to +trouble you.-- + +SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a +stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish +I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small +relief. + +SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a +Friend---- + +SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an +advocate with him--believe me Sir. + +SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend +me.--but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of +his Charity. + +SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a +worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice +Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in +confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho' +People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to +contradict the Report. + +SIR OLIVER. What!--has he never +transmitted--you--Bullion--Rupees--Pagodas! + +SURFACE. O Dear Sir--Nothing of the kind--no--no--a few Presents now and +then--china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats--and indian Crackers--little +more, believe me. + +SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!--Avadavats and +indian Crackers. + +SURFACE. Then my dear--Sir--you have heard, I doubt not, of the +extravagance of my Brother--Sir--there are very few would credit what I +have done for that unfortunate young man. + +SIR OLIVER. Not I for one! + +SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed--I have been exceedingly to +blame--it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend +it--and now I feel it doubly culpable--since it has deprived me of the +power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs---- + +SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir--you cannot assist me? + +SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot--but whenever I have +the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. + +SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry---- + +SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me--to pity without the Power to +relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied---- + +SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir--your most obedient humble servant. + +SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be ready to +open the door---- + +SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony---- + +SURFACE. Your very obedient---- + +SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious---- + +SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of +service---- + +SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir--you are too good---- + +SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits---- + +SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant---- + +SURFACE. Sir--yours as sincerely---- + +SIR OLIVER. Charles!--you are my Heir. + + [Exit.] + +SURFACE, solus Soh!--This is one bad effect of a good Character--it +invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small +degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without +incurring the expence.--The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive +article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities--whereas the +sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a +shew--and pays no tax. + + Enter ROWLEY + +ROWLEY. Mr. Surface--your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting +you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention--as this Note will +inform you---- + +SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley--how--Oliver--Surface!--My Unkle +arrived! + +ROWLEY. He is indeed--we have just parted--quite well--after a speedy +voyage--and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew. + +SURFACE. I am astonished!--William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not +gone---- + +ROWLEY. O--He's out of reach--I believe. + +SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together.-- + +ROWLEY. I thought you had particular--Business--but must be gone to +inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be +with you in a quarter of an hour---- + +SURFACE. So he says. Well--I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming--never +to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky! + +ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks. + +SURFACE. O--I'm rejoiced to hear it--just at this time---- + +ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him---- + +SURFACE. Do--do--pray--give my best duty and affection--indeed, I cannot +express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him!--certainly +his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune---- + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE II.--At SIR PETER'S House + + Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT + +SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour---- + +SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again--I shall be glad to see her if it be only for +a moment--for I am sure she must be in great Distress + + [exit MAID] + +--Dear Heart--how provoking!--I'm not mistress of half the +circumstances!--We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with +the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a +dozen houses. + + Enter SIR BENJAMIN + +Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!--I am so sorry +for all Parties--indeed, + +SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all--he was so +extravagant--partial to Mr. Surface---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!--why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was +detected. + +SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant. + +MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--Charles is the man--'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir +Peter on purpose to discover them---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately--but here comes Lady +Sneerwell--perhaps she knows the whole affair. + + Enter LADY SNEERWELL + +LADY SNEERWELL. So--my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our +Friend Teazle---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'--indeed +she was always too lively for me. + +MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too--free--but she +was very young---- + +LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities. + +MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed--but have you heard the Particulars? + +LADY SNEERWELL. No--but everybody says that Mr. Surface---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you--Mr. Surface was the Man. + +MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--indeed the assignation was with Charles---- + +LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!--You alarm me Mrs. Candour! + +MRS. CANDOUR. Yes--yes He was the Lover--Mr. Surface--do him +justice--was only the Informer. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour--but be it +which it may--I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their +Fighting---- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable! + +SIR BENJAMIN. No--what no mention of the Duel---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord--yes--yes--they fought before they left the Room. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Aye--do oblige--us with the Duel---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'--says Sir Peter--immediately after the Discovery, +'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.' + +MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. No, no--to Mr. Surface--'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old +as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.' + +MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely +Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all--giving me immediate +satisfaction--on this, Madam--Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such +Danger--ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics--and Charles after her +calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam--they began to fight +with Swords---- + + Enter CRABTREE + +CRABTREE. With Pistols--Nephew--I have it from undoubted authority. + +MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true---- + +CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second--quite thro' his left side + +CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy--on me[!] Poor Sir Peter---- + +CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he +could---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter---- + +CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know---- + +CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak--and insisted on immediate---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said---- + +CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too--A Pair +of Pistols lay on the Bureau--for Mr. Surface--it seems, had come home +the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem +with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton--so unluckily the Pistols were left +Charged---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this---- + +CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired--it seems +pretty nearly together--Charles's shot took Place as I tell you--and Sir +Peter's miss'd--but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against +a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place--grazed out of the +window at a right angle--and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to +the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. + +SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must +confess--but I believe mine is the true one for all that. + +LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they +imagine--and must have better information.-- + + [Exit.] + +SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.-- + +CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here nor +there. + +MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present---- + +CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House, tho' +the Servants are order'd to deny it---- + +MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending him---- + +CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here---- + +CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't. + +MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall +know---- + + Enter SIR OLIVER + +CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes? + +MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient? + +SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword---- + +CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred! + +SIR OLIVER. Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the +Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People? + +SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor. + +SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am. + +CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you +must have heard of this accident-- + +SIR OLIVER. Not a word! + +CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded? + +SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is! + +SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body---- + +CRABTREE. Shot in the breast---- + +SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface---- + +CRABTREE. Aye the younger. + +SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your +accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded. + +SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that. + +CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that. + +SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is +the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at +all was the matter. + + Enter SIR PETER + +Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we +had just given you over! + +SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery! + +SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword +through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax? + +SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet-- + +SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or +Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice. + +SIR PETER. Why! what is all this? + +SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not +true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune. + +SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.] + +CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry +at all at your years. + +SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours? + +MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's +very much to be pitied. + +SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it. + +SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and +jests you will meet with on the occasion. + +SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house. + +CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort. + +SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist +on your leaving my house directly! + +MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the +best report of you we can. + +SIR PETER. Leave my house! + +CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated. + +SIR PETER. Leave my House-- + +SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it. + +SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke +them! + +SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter. + + Enter ROWLEY + +ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter-- + +SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my +Vexations? + +SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I +have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed. + +SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are! + +ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right +Sir Peter. + +SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all. + +ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment. + +SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes. + +ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk. + +SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's +this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I +expected. + +SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer +we praise the better. + +ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your +Life? + +SIR PETER. Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have +heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you! + +ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted +with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled, +that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you-- + +SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too? + +SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance! + +SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen--hey[?] + +SIR OLIVER. Yes yes--and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been +vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant! + +SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha! + +ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain! + +SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles--to pull Sir Peter out of the +closet: ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure-- + +SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face +when the screen was thrown down--ha! ha! + +SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I +must never show my head again! + +SIR OLIVER. But come--come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old +Friend--tho' upon my soul I can't help it-- + +SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not +hurt me at all--I laugh at the whole affair myself--Yes--yes--I +think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy +situation--O yes--and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about +Mr. S----, Lady T----, and Sir P----, will be so entertaining!--I shall +certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again! + +ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of +Fools--but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room--I am sure you +must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does. + +SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you--well I'll +leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all +presently to Mr. Surface's--where I am now returning--if not to reclaim +a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy. + +SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with +all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries. + +SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot +that you all live so near one another! + + [Exit SIR OLIVER.] + +ROWLEY. We'll follow-- + +SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley-- + +ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you +perceive.--see she is in Tears--! + +SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.--how dejected +she appears-- + +ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her-- + +SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a +wife--don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little. + +ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you-- + +SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think--you remember Rowley the Letter +I found of her's--evidently intended for Charles? + +ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter--laid in your way on Purpose--this is +one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on-- + +SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that--She looks this +way----what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll +go to her-- + +ROWLEY. Certainly-- + +SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will +laugh at me ten times more! + +ROWLEY. Let--them laugh--and retort their malice only by showing them +you are happy in spite of it. + +SIR PETER. Efaith so I will--and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the +happiest couple in the country-- + +ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter--He who once lays aside suspicion---- + +SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley--if you have any Regard for me--never let +me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM +to serve me the rest of my Life. + + [Exeunt.] + + + + +SCENE THE LAST.--The Library + + SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL + +LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled +to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA? +the thought is Distraction to me! + +SURFACE. Can Passion--furnish a Remedy? + +LADY SNEERWELL. No--nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot--to +league with such a Blunderer! + +SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer--yet you see I +bear the accident with Calmness. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your +HEART--your interest only attached you to Maria--had you felt for +her--what I have for that ungrateful Libertine--neither your Temper nor +Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation. + +SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this +Disappointment? + +LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in +your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.--had you not a +sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting +your Brother--I hate such an avarice of crimes--'tis an unfair monopoly +and never prospers. + +SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame--I confess I deviated from +the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated +neither. + +LADY SNEERWELL. No! + +SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met--and +that you still believe him faithful to us-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so. + +SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary--to swear and +prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to +your Ladyship--which some of his former letters to you will serve to +support-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted-- + +SURFACE. Come--come it is not too late yet--but hark! this is probably +my Unkle Sir Oliver--retire to that Room--we'll consult further when +He's gone.-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to-- + +SURFACE. O I have no fear of that--Sir Peter will hold his tongue for +his own credit sake--and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir +Oliver's weak side!-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities--only be constant +to one roguery at a time-- + + [Exit.] + +SURFACE. I will--I will--So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune, +to be baited by one's confederate in evil--well at all events +my character is so much better than Charles's, that I +certainly--hey--what!--this is not Sir Oliver--but old Stanley +again!--Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now--I shall +have Sir Oliver come and find him here--and---- + + Enter SIR OLIVER + +Gad's life, Mr. Stanley--why have you come back to plague me at this +time? you must not stay now upon my word! + +SIR OLIVER. Sir--I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here--and tho' He +has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me-- + +SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now--so I must beg----come +any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted. + +SIR OLIVER. No--Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted-- + +SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the--Room +directly-- + +SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir---- + +SURFACE. Sir--I insist on't--here William show this Gentleman out. Since +you compel me Sir--not one moment--this is such insolence. + + [Going to push him out.] + + Enter CHARLES + +CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now?--what the Devil have you got +hold of my little Broker here! Zounds--Brother, don't hurt little +Premium. What's the matter--my little Fellow? + +SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He-- + +CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little----But sure +Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you? + +SURFACE. Borrowing--no!--But, Brother--you know sure we expect Sir +Oliver every---- + +CHARLES. O Gad, that's true--Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to +be sure-- + +SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists---- + +CHARLES. Stanley--why his name's Premium-- + +SURFACE. No no Stanley. + +CHARLES. No, no--Premium. + +SURFACE. Well no matter which--but---- + +CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say--for +I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the +Coffee-House. [Knock.] + +SURFACE. 'Sdeath--here's Sir Oliver at the Door----Now I beg--Mr. +Stanley---- + +CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium---- + +SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen---- + +SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go-- + +CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly---- + +SIR OLIVER. This violence---- + +SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault. + +CHARLES. Out with him to be sure. [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.] + + Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY + +SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!--hey! what in the name of +wonder!--Here are dutiful Nephews!--assault their Unkle at his first +Visit! + +LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you. + +ROWLEY. Truly it was--for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old +Stanley was no Protection to you. + +SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either--the necessities of the former could +not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other +I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked +down without being bid for. + +SURFACE. Charles! + +CHARLES. Joseph! + +SURFACE. 'Tis compleat! + +CHARLES. Very! + +SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter--my Friend and Rowley too--look on that elder +Nephew of mine--You know what He has already received from my Bounty and +you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held +in trust for him--judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be +destitute of Truth--Charity--and Gratitude-- + +SIR PETER. Sir Oliver--I should be more surprized at this Declaration, +if I had not myself found him to be selfish--treacherous and +Hypocritical. + +LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let +him call ME to his Character. + +SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more--if He knows himself He +will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the +world-- + +CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty--what will they say to ME by +and bye! + +SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal--his Brother there---- + +CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn--the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin +me-- + +SURFACE. Sir Oliver--Unkle--will you honour me with a hearing-- + +CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I +might recollect myself a little-- + +SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself +entirely-- + +SURFACE. I trust I could-- + +SIR OLIVER. Nay--if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to +be justified--you have even less principle than I thought you had.--[To +CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir--and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I +suppose-- + +CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver. + +SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the secret +I presume. + +CHARLES. True--Sir--but they were Family Secrets, and should not be +mentioned again you know. + +ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies +with anger. + +SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can--nor with gravity either--Sir +Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his +Ancestors--sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as +cheap as broken China! + +CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the +Family Canvas that's the truth on't:--my Ancestors may certainly rise in +judgment against me there's no denying it--but believe me sincere when I +tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not--that if I do +not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I +feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal +benefactor. + +SIR OLIVER. Charles--I believe you--give me your hand again: the +ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace. + +CHARLES. Then Sir--my Gratitude to the original is still encreased. + +LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom +Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. + +SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there--and, with the young +Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush---- + +SIR PETER. Well--Child--speak your sentiments--you know--we are going to +be reconciled to Charles-- + +MARIA. Sir--I have little to say--but that I shall rejoice to hear that +He is happy--For me--whatever claim I had to his Affection--I willing +resign to one who has a better title. + +CHARLES. How Maria! + +SIR PETER. Heyday--what's the mystery now? while he appeared an +incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that +He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him! + +MARIA. His own Heart--and Lady Sneerwell know the cause. + +[CHARLES.] Lady Sneerwell! + +SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern--I am obliged to speak on +this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me--and Lady Sneerwell's +injuries can no longer--be concealed--[Goes to the Door.] + + Enter LADY SNEERWELL + +SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room +in the House I suppose-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel +for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into. + +CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I +don't understand it. + +SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more +necessary to make it extremely clear. + +SIR PETER. And that Person--I imagine, is Mr. Snake--Rowley--you were +perfectly right to bring him with us--and pray let him appear. + +ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake-- + + Enter SNAKE + +I thought his Testimony might be wanted--however it happens unluckily +that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her-- + +LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!--Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow, +have you too conspired against me? + +SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship--ten thousand Pardons--you paid me extremely +Liberally for the Lie in question--but I unfortunately have been offer'd +double to speak the Truth. + +LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all! + +LADY TEAZLE. Hold--Lady Sneerwell--before you go let me thank you for +the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me +to Charles and answering them yourself--and let me also request you +to make my Respects to the Scandalous College--of which you are +President--and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to +return the diploma they granted her--as she leaves of[f] Practice and +kills Characters no longer. + +LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking--insolent!--may your Husband live these fifty +years! + + [Exit.] + +SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury---- + +LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed! + +SIR PETER. Hey--not for her last wish?-- + +LADY TEAZLE. O No-- + +SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now? + +SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be +guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that +I know not what to say----however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should +prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her +directly. + + [Exit.] + +SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop! + +SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.--Oil and Vinegar +egad:--you'll do very well together. + +ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present-- + +SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I +have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present. + +SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last-- + +SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known-- + +SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done a right +thing once in your life? + +SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!--I have +nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once known that I +had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I +have in the world. + +SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your +Praise never fear. + + [Exit SNAKE.] + +SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer and a +Critic. + +LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to +reconcile your Nephew and Maria-- + +SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have the +wedding to-morrow morning-- + +CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle! + +SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first-- + +CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--and She +has look'd yes-- + +MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a +word---- + +SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each other +never know--abatement. + +SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and +I--intend to do-- + +CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and I +suspect too that I owe you much. + +SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles-- + +ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been +in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you over-repay +me. + +SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform. + +CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--and that +I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--But here shall be my +Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes +illumine? + + Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway, + --Thou still must Rule--because I will obey: + An humbled fugitive from Folly View, + No sanctuary near but Love and YOU: + You can indeed each anxious Fear remove, + For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.] + + EPILOGUE + + BY MR. COLMAN + + SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE + + I, who was late so volatile and gay, + Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way, + Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows, + To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse! + So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes + Of crying epilogues and laughing plays! + Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, + Learn from our play to regulate your lives: + Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her-- + London will prove the very source of honour. + Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, + When principles relax, to brace the nerves: + Such is my case; and yet I must deplore + That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er. + And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife, + Born with a genius for the highest life, + Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, + Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom? + Save money--when I just knew how to waste it! + Leave London--just as I began to taste it! + Must I then watch the early crowing cock, + The melancholy ticking of a clock; + In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, + With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded? + With humble curate can I now retire, + (While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,) + And at backgammon mortify my soul, + That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole? + Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire, + Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire; + The transient hour of fashion too soon spent, + Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content! + Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete, + That takes the cushion from its proper seat! + That spirit-stirring drum!--card drums I mean, + Spadille--odd trick--pam--basto--king and queen! + And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, + The welcome visitors' approach denote; + Farewell all quality of high renown, + Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town! + Farewell! your revels I partake no more, + And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er! + All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear, + I ought to play deep tragedy next year. + Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, + And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:-- + "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd, + And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd! + No more in vice or error to engage, + Or play the fool at large on life's great stage." + + +END OF PLAY + + + + +<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser +Rae's text. + +<2> From Sheridan's manuscript. + +<3> The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia +Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter: + + SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded + on some ridiculous misrepresentation--Mrs. Candour you remember + how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one + Summer at Tunbridge. + + MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair. + + CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was. + + SIR P. Why madam--[The story follows.] + + MRS. C. Ha ha strange indeed-- + + SIR P. Matter of Fact I assure you.... + + LADY T. As sure as can be--Sir Peter will grow scandalous + himself--if you encourage him to tell stories. + [Fraser Rae's footnote--Ed.] + +<4> The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript +of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.] + +<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing. +[Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.] + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The School For Scandal, by +Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL *** + +***** This file should be named 1929.txt or 1929.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/1929/ + +Produced by Gary R. Young + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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