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+Project Gutenberg's The School For Scandal, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The School For Scandal
+
+Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan
+
+
+Release Date: October, 1999  [Etext #1929]
+Last Updated: July 10, 2013
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Gary R. Young
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
+
+
+A COMEDY
+
+A PORTRAIT<1>
+
+BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ.
+
+
+Transcriber's Comments on the preparation of this E-Text:
+
+SQUARE BRACKETS:
+
+The square brackets, i.e. [ ] are copied from the printed book, without
+change, except that a closing bracket "]" has been added to the stage
+directions.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+For this E-Text version of the book, the footnotes have been
+consolidated at the end of the play.
+
+Numbering of the footnotes has been changed, and each footnote is given
+a unique identity in the form <X>.
+
+
+CHANGES TO THE TEXT:
+
+Character names have been expanded. For Example, SIR BENJAMIN was SIR
+BEN.
+
+
+
+
+THE TEXT OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
+
+The text of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL in this edition is taken, by Mr.
+Fraser Rae's generous permission, from his SHERIDAN'S PLAYS NOW PRINTED
+AS HE WROTE THEM. In his Prefatory Notes (xxxvii), Mr. Rae writes: "The
+manuscript of it [THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL] in Sheridan's own handwriting
+is preserved at Frampton Court and is now printed in this volume. This
+version differs in many respects from that which is generally known,
+and I think it is even better than that which has hitherto been read and
+acted. As I have endeavoured to reproduce the works of Sheridan as he
+wrote them, I may be told that he was a bad hand at punctuating and very
+bad at spelling. . . . But Sheridan's shortcomings as a speller have
+been exaggerated." Lest "Sheridan's shortcomings" either in spelling
+or in punctuation should obscure the text, I have, in this edition,
+inserted in brackets some explanatory suggestions. It has seemed best,
+also, to adopt a uniform method for indicating stage-directions and
+abbreviations of the names of characters. There can be no gain to the
+reader in reproducing, for example, Sheridan's different indications for
+the part of Lady Sneerwell--LADY SNEERWELL, LADY SNEER., LADY SN., and
+LADY S.--or his varying use of EXIT and EX., or his inconsistencies in
+the use of italics in the stage-directions. Since, however, Sheridan's
+biographers, from Moore to Fraser Rae, have shown that no authorised or
+correct edition of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL was published in Sheridan's
+lifetime, there seems unusual justification for reproducing the text of
+the play itself with absolute fidelity to the original manuscript. Mr.
+Ridgway, who repeatedly sought to obtain a copy corrected by the author,
+according to Moore's account (LIFE OF SHERIDAN, I. p. 260), "was told
+by Mr. Sheridan, as an excuse for keeping it back, that he had been
+nineteen years endeavouring to satisfy himself with the style of The
+School for Scandal, but had not yet succeeded." Mr. Rae (SHERIDAN, I. p.
+332) recorded his discovery of the manuscript of "two acts of The School
+for Scandal prepared by Sheridan for publication," and hoped, before his
+death, to publish this partial revision. Numberless unauthorized changes
+in the play have been made for histrionic purposes, from the first
+undated Dublin edition to that of Mr. Augustin Daly. Current texts may
+usually be traced, directly or indirectly, to the two-volume Murray
+edition of Sheridan's plays, in 1821. Some of the changes from the
+original manuscript, such as the blending of the parts of Miss Verjuice
+and Snake, are doubtless effective for reasons of dramatic economy, but
+many of the "cuts" are to be regretted from the reader's standpoint. The
+student of English drama will prefer Sheridan's own text to editorial
+emendations, however clever or effective for dramatic ends.
+
+
+
+
+
+THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
+
+
+ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE,
+
+WITH THE COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
+
+     Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school,
+     Who rail by precept, and detract by rule,
+     Lives there no character, so tried, so known,
+     So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own,
+     That even you assist her fame to raise,
+     Approve by envy, and by silence praise!--
+     Attend!--a model shall attract your view--
+     Daughters of calumny, I summon you!
+     You shall decide if this a portrait prove,
+     Or fond creation of the Muse and Love.--
+     Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage,
+     Ye matron censors of this childish age,
+     Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare
+     A fixt antipathy to young and fair;
+     By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold,
+     In maiden madness, virulently bold!--
+     Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale,
+     Creating proof, where innuendos fail!
+     Whose practised memories, cruelly exact,
+     Omit no circumstance, except the fact!--
+     Attend, all ye who boast,--or old or young,--
+     The living libel of a slanderous tongue!
+     So shall my theme as far contrasted be,
+     As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny.
+     Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name,
+     In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame);
+     Come--for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while
+     Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile,
+     With timid grace, and hesitating eye,
+     The perfect model, which I boast, supply:--
+     Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create
+     Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate--
+     Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace
+     The faintest wonder of her form and face--
+     Poets would study the immortal line,
+     And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine;
+     That art, which well might added lustre give
+     To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative:
+     On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise,
+     Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes!
+     Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise,
+     Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays!
+     But praising Amoret we cannot err,
+     No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her!
+     Yet she, by Fate's perverseness--she alone
+     Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own!
+     Adorning Fashion, unadorn'd by dress,
+     Simple from taste, and not from carelessness;
+     Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild,
+     Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild:
+     No state has AMORET! no studied mien;
+     She frowns no GODDESS, and she moves no QUEEN.
+     The softer charm that in her manner lies
+     Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise;
+     It justly suits th' expression of her face,--
+     'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace!
+     On her pure cheek the native hue is such,
+     That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much,
+     The hand divine, with a less partial care,
+     Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there,
+     And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,--
+     Inshrined Modesty!--supply the rest.
+     But who the peril of her lips shall paint?
+     Strip them of smiles--still, still all words are faint!
+     But moving Love himself appears to teach
+     Their action, though denied to rule her speech;
+     And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear,
+     Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear;
+     Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence
+     To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense:
+     Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught,
+     They move in meaning, and they pause in thought!
+     But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise,
+     The mild irresolution of her eyes,
+     Curious to mark how frequent they repose,
+     In brief eclipse and momentary close--
+     Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there,
+     Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care
+     Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light,
+     Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight?
+     Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet,
+     In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat.
+     What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow
+     Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow,
+     By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles,
+     More fatal still the mercy of her smiles!
+     Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all
+     Of bright or fair that can to woman fall,
+     The height of vanity might well be thought
+     Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault.
+     Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme
+     As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme;
+     And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store,
+     She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:--
+     Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach,
+     Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach,
+     Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern
+     How far it is a woman's grace to learn;
+     In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove
+     Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love,
+     Graced by those signs which truth delights to own,
+     The timid blush, and mild submitted tone:
+     Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout,
+     Displays the tender hue of female doubt;
+     Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears,
+     How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears!
+     Such too her talents, and her bent of mind,
+     As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined:
+     A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd,
+     A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled,
+     A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide;
+     An awe of talent, which she owns with pride!
+       Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong,
+     But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong;
+     Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise
+     Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise
+     Has spread conviction through the envious train,
+     And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!
+     And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue,
+     Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung--
+     Owns all the colours just--the outline true;
+     Thee my inspirer, and my MODEL--CREWE!
+
+
+
+     DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2>
+
+     SIR PETER TEAZLE      Mr. King
+     SIR OLIVER SURFACE    Mr. Yates
+     YOUNG SURFACE         Mr. Palmer
+     CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith
+     CRABTREE              Mr. Parsons
+     SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd
+     ROWLEY                Mr. Aikin
+     SPUNGE
+     MOSES
+     SNAKE
+     CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES
+
+     LADY TEAZLE
+     MARIA
+     LADY SNEERWELL
+     MRS. CANDOUR
+     MISS VERJUICE
+
+
+
+
+PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK
+
+     A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,
+     Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?
+     No need of lessons now, the knowing think;
+     We might as well be taught to eat and drink.
+     Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours
+     Distress our fair ones--let them read the papers;
+     Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;
+     Crave what you will--there's quantum sufficit.
+     "Lord!" cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle,
+     And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle),
+     Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing
+     Strong tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refreshing!
+     Give me the papers, Lisp--how bold and free!  [Sips.]
+     LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.
+     For aching heads what charming sal volatile!  [Sips.]
+     IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING,
+     WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN.
+     Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it,
+     But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.
+     Now, Lisp, read you--there, at that dash and star:"
+     "Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE,
+     WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;
+     FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING,
+     WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me! the villain!
+     Throw it behind the fire, and never more
+     Let that vile paper come within my door."
+     Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart;
+     To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.
+     Is our young bard so young, to think that he
+     Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny?
+     Knows he the world so little, and its trade?
+     Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid.
+     So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging:
+     Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.
+     Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd,
+     Again our young Don Quixote takes the road;
+     To show his gratitude he draws his pen,
+     And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.
+     For your applause all perils he would through--
+     He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true,
+     Till every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you.
+
+
+
+
+ACT I
+
+
+SCENE I.--LADY SNEERWELL'S House
+
+LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking
+chocolate
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:
+
+VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand
+there can be no suspicion whence they came.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue
+with Captain Boastall?
+
+VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
+Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain
+Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.
+
+VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I told
+the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it
+directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a
+Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose
+sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the
+common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within
+four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent--a great
+deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in her way--To my
+knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three
+sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors.
+Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements--nine separate
+maintenances and two Divorces.--nay I have more than once traced her
+causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine--when the Parties
+perhaps had never seen each other's Faces before in the course of their
+Lives.
+
+VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.
+
+VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free
+tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her
+outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and
+mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.
+
+VERJUICE. Not in the least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do
+more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail
+even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support
+it.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny the
+satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded myself, in
+the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of Slander I confess
+I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others to the Level
+of my own injured Reputation.
+
+VERJUICE. Nothing can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell There
+is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess I
+am at a Loss to guess your motives.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir
+Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet.--And has my conduct in this matter
+really appeared to you so mysterious?
+
+     [Exit MAID.]
+
+VERJUICE. Entirely so.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,] having
+taken a young wife from out of the Country--as Lady Teazle is--are
+certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery--but here are
+two young men--to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of Guardian since
+their Father's death, the eldest possessing the most amiable Character
+and universally well spoken of[,] the youngest the most dissipated
+and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom, without Friends or
+caracter--the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently
+your Favourite[,] the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter's ward--and
+confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it
+is utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great
+jointure--should not close with the passion of a man of such character
+and expectations as Mr. Surface--and more so why you should be so
+uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment subsisting between
+his Brother Charles and Maria.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this mistery--I must inform you
+that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface
+and me.
+
+VERJUICE. No!
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune--but
+finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged to mask his
+Pretensions--and profit by my Assistance.
+
+VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself
+in his success.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the
+weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have concealed even from
+you--must I confess that Charles--that Libertine, that extravagant, that
+Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He it is for whom I am thus
+anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrifice--everything----
+
+VERJUICE. Now indeed--your conduct appears consistent and I no longer
+wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how came you and Surface so
+confidential?
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but I have found out him a long
+time since[,] altho' He has contrived to deceive everybody beside--I
+know him to be artful selfish and malicious--while with Sir Peter, and
+indeed with all his acquaintance, He passes for a youthful Miracle of
+Prudence--good sense and Benevolence.
+
+VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in
+England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments and
+hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with
+respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter Lady Teazle
+into the same good opinion towards him--while poor Charles has no Friend
+in the House--though I fear he has a powerful one in Maria's Heart,
+against whom we must direct our schemes.
+
+SERVANT. Mr. Surface.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time. I don't
+wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover.
+
+     Enter SURFACE
+
+SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day--your most
+obedient.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual
+attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the
+Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate. You know
+how useful she has been to us--and believe me the confidence is not
+ill-placed.
+
+SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss
+Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--no compliments now--but tell me when you saw
+your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother.
+
+SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw you--but I can inform you
+that they are at present at Variance--some of your stories have taken
+good effect on Maria.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you.
+But do your Brother's Distresses encrease?
+
+SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his house
+yesterday--in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I
+have ever heard of.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!
+
+SURFACE. True Madam--notwithstanding his Vices one can't help feeling
+for him--ah poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my Power to be of
+any essential Service to him--for the man who does not share in
+the Distresses of a Brother--even though merited by his own
+misconduct--deserves----
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget that you are
+among Friends.
+
+SURFACE. Egad, that's true--I'll keep that sentiment till I see Sir
+Peter. However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a
+Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be so only by a Person of
+your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding.
+
+VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.
+
+SURFACE. But--Madam--let me caution you to place no more confidence in
+our Friend Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him in frequent
+conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly my Father's
+Steward and has never been a friend of mine.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected the
+fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villany.
+
+     Enter MARIA
+
+Maria my dear--how do you do--what's the matter?
+
+MARIA. O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite,
+has just call'd at my guardian's with his odious Uncle Crabtree--so I
+slipt out and ran hither to avoid them.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Is that all?
+
+VERJUICE. Lady Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I mention'd to
+you.
+
+SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam, perhaps you
+would not have been so much alarmed.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now--you are severe for I dare swear the Truth
+of the matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--what has Sir
+Benjamin done that you should avoid him so----
+
+MARIA. Oh He has done nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual Libel
+on all his Acquaintance.
+
+SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing
+Them, for He'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best Friend--and
+Crabtree is as bad.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make allowance[--]Sir Benjamin is a
+wit and a poet.
+
+MARIA. For my Part--I own madam--wit loses its respect with me, when I
+see it in company with malice.--What do you think, Mr. Surface?
+
+SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn on
+another's Breast is to become a principal in the mischief.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Pshaw--there's no possibility of being witty without a
+little [ill] nature--the malice of a good thing is the Barb that makes
+it stick.--What's your opinion, Mr. Surface?
+
+SURFACE. Certainly madam--that conversation where the Spirit of Raillery
+is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid--
+
+MARIA. Well I'll not debate how far Scandal may be allowable--but in a
+man I am sure it is always contemtable.--We have Pride, envy, Rivalship,
+and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other--but the male-slanderer
+must have the cowardice of a woman before He can traduce one.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice hadn't left us--she should
+embrace you.
+
+SURFACE. Ah! she's an old maid and is privileged of course.
+
+     Enter SERVANT
+
+Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at leisure will leave
+her carriage.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in. Now, Maria[,] however here is a
+Character to your Taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little talkative
+everybody allows her to be the best-natured and best sort of woman.
+
+MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and
+Benevolence--she does more mischief than the Direct malice of old
+Crabtree.
+
+SURFACE. Efaith 'tis very true Lady Sneerwell--Whenever I hear the
+current running again the characters of my Friends, I never think them
+in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is----
+
+     Enter MRS. CANDOUR
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this Century.
+I have never seen you tho' I have heard of you very often.--Mr.
+Surface--the World says scandalous things of you--but indeed it is
+no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing else but
+scandal.
+
+SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma'am.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Child--what[!] is the whole affair off between
+you and Charles? His extravagance; I presume--The Town talks of nothing
+else----
+
+MARIA. I am very sorry, Ma'am, the Town has so little to do.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there's no stopping people's
+Tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it--as I indeed was to learn from the
+same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and Lady Teazle have not
+agreed lately so well as could be wish'd.
+
+MARIA. 'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what's to be done? People will
+talk--there's no preventing it.--why it was but yesterday I was told
+that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt. But, Lord! there
+is no minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this from very good
+authority.
+
+MARIA. Such reports are highly scandalous.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. So they are Child--shameful! shameful! but the world is
+so censorious no character escapes. Lord, now! who would have suspected
+your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet such is the ill-nature
+of people, that they say her unkle stopped her last week just as she was
+stepping into a Postchaise with her Dancing-master.
+
+MARIA. I'll answer for't there are no grounds for the Report.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear[;] no more
+probably than for the story circulated last month, of Mrs. Festino's
+affair with Colonel Cassino--tho' to be sure that matter was never
+rightly clear'd up.
+
+SURFACE. The license of invention some people take is monstrous indeed.
+
+MARIA. 'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such things are
+equally culpable.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are as bad as the Tale
+makers--'tis an old observation and a very true one--but what's to be
+done as I said before--how will you prevent People from talking--to-day,
+Mrs. Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon were at last become
+mere man and wife--like [the rest of their] acquaintance--she likewise
+hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her Dropsy
+and recovered her shape in a most surprising manner--at the same [time]
+Miss Tattle, who was by affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo had discover'd his
+Lady at a house of no extraordinary Fame--and that Sir Harry Bouquet and
+Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar Provocation. But--Lord!
+do you think I would report these Things--No, no[!] Tale Bearers as I
+said before are just as bad as the talemakers.
+
+SURFACE. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and good
+nature--
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People
+traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly circumstances come out
+against our acquaintances I own I always love to think the best--by the
+bye I hope 'tis not true that your Brother is absolutely ruin'd--
+
+SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, Ma'am--
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Ah! I heard so--but you must tell him to keep up his
+Spirits--everybody almost is in the same way--Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas
+Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit--all up, I hear, within this
+week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find half his Acquaintance ruin'd
+too, and that, you know, is a consolation--
+
+SURFACE. Doubtless, Ma'am--a very great one.
+
+     Enter SERVANT
+
+SERVANT. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your lover pursues you--Positively
+you shan't escape.
+
+     Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE
+
+CRABTREE. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don't believe
+you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin Backbite--Egad, Ma'am, He
+has a pretty wit--and is a pretty Poet too isn't He Lady Sneerwell?
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O fie, Uncle!
+
+CRABTREE. Nay egad it's true--I back him at a Rebus or a Charade against
+the best Rhymer in the Kingdom--has your Ladyship heard the Epigram he
+wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's Feather catching Fire--Do Benjamin
+repeat it--or the Charade you made last Night extempore at Mrs.
+Drowzie's conversazione--Come now your first is the Name of a Fish, your
+second a great naval commander--and
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Dear Uncle--now--prithee----
+
+CRABTREE. Efaith, Ma'am--'twould surprise you to hear how ready he is at
+all these Things.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I wonder Sir Benjamin you never publish anything.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. To say truth, Ma'am, 'tis very vulgar to Print and as my
+little Productions are mostly Satires and Lampoons I find they
+circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the Friends of the
+Parties--however I have some love-Elegies, which, when favoured with
+this lady's smile I mean to give to the Public.
+
+[Pointing to MARIA.]
+
+CRABTREE. 'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they'll immortalize you--you'll be handed
+down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Yes Madam I think you will like them--when you shall see
+in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall meander
+thro' a meadow of margin--'fore Gad, they will be the most elegant
+Things of their kind--
+
+CRABTREE. But Ladies, have you heard the news?
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. What, Sir, do you mean the Report of----
+
+CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.--Miss Nicely is going to be married to
+her own Footman.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible!
+
+CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. 'Tis very true, Ma'am--everything is fixed and the wedding
+Livery bespoke.
+
+CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe such a
+story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at
+once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that everybody
+was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation of
+a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the
+strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation,
+that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster characters of a
+hundred Prudes.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation as well
+as constitution--who being conscious of their weak Part, avoid the
+least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina by care and
+circumspection--
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistake--You know, Sir Benjamin
+very trifling circumstances often give rise to the most injurious Tales.
+
+CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear how
+Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character last summer at
+Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray--
+
+CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assembly--the conversation
+happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep in
+this country--says a young Lady in company[, "]I have known instances
+of it[--]for Miss Letitia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine, had a
+Nova-Scotia Sheep that produced her Twins.["--"]What!["] cries the old
+Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post), ["]has Miss
+Letitia Shepherd had twins["]--This Mistake--as you may imagine, threw
+the whole company into a fit of Laughing--However 'twas the next morning
+everywhere reported and in a few Days believed by the whole Town, that
+Miss Letitia Shepherd had actually been brought to Bed of a fine Boy
+and Girl--and in less than a week there were People who could name the
+Father, and the Farm House where the Babies were put out to Nurse.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed!
+
+CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I assure you--O Lud! Mr. Surface pray is it
+true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home--
+
+SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir.
+
+CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long time--you can scarcely
+remember him--I believe--sad comfort on his arrival to hear how your
+Brother has gone on!
+
+SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope no Busy
+people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him--He may reform--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He may--for my Part I never believed him to be
+so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho' he has lost all his
+Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of--by the Jews.
+
+CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward I believe
+Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there, 'fore Gad I
+hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine and that whenever
+He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery of his Health in the
+synagogue--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me when
+He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with a dozen of his
+own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting in the Anti-Chamber, and
+an officer behind every guest's Chair.
+
+SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay very
+little regard to the Feelings of a Brother.
+
+MARIA. Their malice is intolerable--Lady Sneerwell I must wish you a
+good morning--I'm not very well.
+
+     [Exit MARIA.]
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. O dear she chang'd colour very much!
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Do Mrs. Candour follow her--she may want assistance.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul ma'am.--Poor dear Girl--who
+knows--what her situation may be!
+
+     [Exit MRS. CANDOUR.]
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear
+Charles reflected on notwithstanding their difference.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious.
+
+CRABTREE. But Benjamin--you mustn't give up the Pursuit for that--follow
+her and put her into good humour--repeat her some of your verses--come,
+I'll assist you--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt you--but depend on't
+your Brother is utterly undone--
+
+     [Going.]
+
+CRABTREE. O Lud! aye--undone--as ever man was--can't raise a guinea.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. And everything sold--I'm told--that was movable--
+
+     [Going.]
+
+CRABTREE. I was at his house--not a thing left but some empty Bottles
+that were overlooked and the Family Pictures, which I believe are framed
+in the Wainscot.
+
+     [Going.]
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories against
+him.
+
+     [Going.]
+
+CRABTREE. O He has done many mean things--that's certain!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. But however as He is your Brother----
+
+     [Going.]
+
+CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! 'tis very hard for them to leave a subject
+they have not quite run down.
+
+SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your Ladyship
+than Maria.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than we
+imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may as
+well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of observing
+farther--in the meantime, I'll go and plot Mischief and you shall study
+Sentiments.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.--SIR PETER'S House
+
+     Enter SIR PETER
+
+SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife--what is He to
+expect--'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest
+of men--and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever
+committed wedlock. We tift a little going to church--and came to a
+Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing--I was more than once nearly
+chok'd with gall during the Honeymoon--and had lost all comfort in Life
+before my Friends had done wishing me Joy--yet I chose with caution--a
+girl bred wholly in the country--who never knew luxury beyond one silk
+gown--nor dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball--Yet she now
+plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the
+Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a
+grass Plot out of Grosvenor-Square! I am sneered at by my old
+acquaintance--paragraphed--in the news Papers--She dissipates my
+Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours--yet the worst of it is I doubt
+I love her or I should never bear all this. However I'll never be weak
+enough to own it.
+
+     Enter ROWLEY
+
+ROWLEY. Sir Peter, your servant:--how is 't with you Sir--
+
+SIR PETER. Very bad--Master Rowley--very bad[.] I meet with nothing but
+crosses and vexations--
+
+ROWLEY. What can have happened to trouble you since yesterday?
+
+SIR PETER. A good--question to a married man--
+
+ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your
+uneasiness.
+
+SIR PETER. Why has anybody told you she was dead[?]
+
+ROWLEY. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstanding your
+tempers do not exactly agree.
+
+SIR PETER. But the Fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley--I am myself,
+the sweetest temper'd man alive, and hate a teasing temper; and so I
+tell her a hundred Times a day--
+
+ROWLEY. Indeed!
+
+SIR PETER. Aye and what is very extraordinary in all our disputes she
+is always in the wrong! But Lady Sneerwell, and the Set she meets at her
+House, encourage the perverseness of her Disposition--then to complete
+my vexations--Maria--my Ward--whom I ought to have the Power of a Father
+over, is determined to turn Rebel too and absolutely refuses the man
+whom I have long resolved on for her husband--meaning I suppose, to
+bestow herself on his profligate Brother.
+
+ROWLEY. You know Sir Peter I have always taken the Liberty to differ
+with you on the subject of these two young Gentlemen--I only wish you
+may not be deceived in your opinion of the elder. For Charles, my life
+on't! He will retrieve his errors yet--their worthy Father, once my
+honour'd master, was at his years nearly as wild a spark.
+
+SIR PETER. You are wrong, Master Rowley--on their Father's Death you
+know I acted as a kind of Guardian to them both--till their uncle Sir
+Oliver's Eastern Bounty gave them an early independence. Of course no
+person could have more opportunities of judging of their Hearts--and I
+was never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young
+men of the Age--He is a man of Sentiment--and acts up to the Sentiments
+he professes--but for the other[,] take my word for't [if] he had any
+grain of Virtue by descent--he has dissipated it with the rest of his
+inheritance. Ah! my old Friend, Sir Oliver will be deeply mortified when
+he finds how Part of his Bounty has been misapplied.
+
+ROWLEY. I am sorry to find you so violent against the young man because
+this may be the most critical Period of his Fortune. I came hither with
+news that will surprise you.
+
+SIR PETER. What! let me hear--
+
+ROWLEY. Sir Oliver is arrived and at this moment in Town.
+
+SIR PETER. How!--you astonish me--I thought you did not expect him this
+month!--
+
+ROWLEY. I did not--but his Passage has been remarkably quick.
+
+SIR PETER. Egad I shall rejoice to see my old Friend--'Tis sixteen years
+since we met--We have had many a Day together--but does he still enjoin
+us not to inform his Nephews of his Arrival?
+
+ROWLEY. Most strictly--He means, before He makes it known to make some
+trial of their Dispositions and we have already planned something for
+the purpose.
+
+SIR PETER. Ah there needs no art to discover their merits--however he
+shall have his way--but pray does he know I am married!
+
+ROWLEY. Yes and will soon wish you joy.
+
+SIR PETER. You may tell him 'tis too late--ah Oliver will laugh at
+me--we used to rail at matrimony together--but He has been steady to his
+Text--well He must be at my house tho'--I'll instantly give orders for
+his Reception--but Master Rowley--don't drop a word that Lady Teazle and
+I ever disagree.
+
+ROWLEY. By no means.
+
+SIR PETER. For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes; so I'd have
+him think that we are a very happy couple.
+
+ROWLEY. I understand you--but then you must be very careful not to
+differ while He's in the House with you.
+
+SIR PETER. Egad--and so we must--that's impossible. Ah! Master Rowley
+when an old Batchelor marries a young wife--He deserves--no the crime
+carries the Punishment along with it.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+     END OF THE FIRST ACT
+
+
+
+
+ACT II
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I.--SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE
+
+SIR PETER. Lady Teazle--Lady Teazle I'll not bear it.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter--Sir Peter you--may scold or smile, according to
+your Humour[,] but I ought to have my own way in everything, and what's
+more I will too--what! tho' I was educated in the country I know very
+well that women of Fashion in London are accountable to nobody after
+they are married.
+
+SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have no
+influence, no authority?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sure--if you wanted authority over me,
+you should have adopted me and not married me[:] I am sure you were old
+enough.
+
+SIR PETER. Old enough--aye there it is--well--well--Lady Teazle, tho'
+my life may be made unhappy by your Temper--I'll not be ruined by your
+extravagance--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a
+woman of Fashion ought to be.
+
+SIR PETER. No no Madam, you shall throw away no more sums on such
+unmeaning Luxury--'Slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing Room
+with Flowers in winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a
+Greenhouse, and give a Fete Champetre at Christmas.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flowers are dear in
+cold weather? You should find fault with the Climate, and not with me.
+For my Part I'm sure I wish it was spring all the year round--and that
+Roses grew under one's Feet!
+
+SIR PETER. Oons! Madam--if you had been born to those Fopperies I
+shouldn't wonder at your talking thus;--but you forget what your
+situation was when I married you--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No, no, I don't--'twas a very disagreeable one or I should
+never nave married you.
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat a humbler
+Style--the daughter of a plain country Squire. Recollect Lady Teazle
+when I saw you first--sitting at your tambour in a pretty figured linen
+gown--with a Bunch of Keys at your side, and your apartment hung round
+with Fruits in worsted, of your own working--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O horrible!--horrible!--don't put me in mind of it!
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, yes Madam and your daily occupation to inspect
+the Dairy, superintend the Poultry, make extracts from the Family
+Receipt-book, and comb your aunt Deborah's Lap Dog.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Abominable!
+
+SIR PETER. Yes Madam--and what were your evening amusements? to draw
+Patterns for Ruffles, which you hadn't the materials to make--play Pope
+Joan with the Curate--to read a sermon to your Aunt--or be stuck down to
+an old Spinet to strum your father to sleep after a Fox Chase.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Scandalous--Sir Peter not a word of it true--
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, Madam--These were the recreations I took you from--and
+now--no one more extravagantly in the Fashion--Every Fopery adopted--a
+head-dress to o'er top Lady Pagoda with feathers pendant horizontal and
+perpendicular--you forget[,] Lady Teazle--when a little wired gauze with
+a few Beads made you a fly Cap not much bigger than a blew-bottle, and
+your Hair was comb'd smooth over a Roll--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Shocking! horrible Roll!!
+
+SIR PETER. But now--you must have your coach--Vis-a-vis, and three
+powder'd Footmen before your Chair--and in the summer a pair of white
+cobs to draw you to Kensington Gardens--no recollection when y ou were
+content to ride double, behind the Butler, on a docked Coach-Horse?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Horrid!--I swear I never did.
+
+SIR PETER. This, madam, was your situation--and what have I not done
+for you? I have made you woman of Fashion of Fortune of Rank--in short I
+have made you my wife.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Well then and there is but one thing more you can make me
+to add to the obligation.
+
+SIR PETER. What's that pray?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Your widow.--
+
+SIR PETER. Thank you Madam--but don't flatter yourself for though your
+ill-conduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart I promise
+you--however I am equally obliged to you for the Hint.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so
+disagreeable to me--and thwart me in every little elegant expense.
+
+SIR PETER. 'Slife--Madam I pray, had you any of these elegant expenses
+when you married me?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Peter would you have me be out of the Fashion?
+
+SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed!--what had you to do with the Fashion
+before you married me?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. For my Part--I should think you would like to have your
+wife thought a woman of Taste--
+
+SIR PETER. Aye there again--Taste! Zounds Madam you had no Taste when
+you married me--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter! after having married you
+I should never pretend to Taste again I allow.
+
+SIR PETER. So--so then--Madam--if these are your Sentiments pray how
+came I to be honour'd with your Hand?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Shall I tell you the Truth?
+
+SIR PETER. If it's not too great a Favour.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Why the Fact is I was tired of all those agreeable
+Recreations which you have so good naturally [naturedly] Described--and
+having a Spirit to spend and enjoy a Fortune--I determined to marry the
+first rich man that would have me.
+
+SIR PETER. A very honest confession--truly--but pray madam was there no
+one else you might have tried to ensnare but me.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O lud--I drew my net at several but you were the only one I
+could catch.
+
+SIR PETER. This is plain dealing indeed--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. But now Sir Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle I
+presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's?
+
+SIR PETER. Aye--there's another Precious circumstance--a charming set of
+acquaintance--you have made there!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune--and
+remarkably tenacious of reputation.
+
+SIR PETER. Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance,
+for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character but themselves!
+Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles who has done less
+mischief than these utterers of forged Tales, coiners of Scandal, and
+clippers of Reputation.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech?
+
+SIR PETER. Aye they have made you just as bad [as] any one of the
+Society.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Why--I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace--But
+I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say an
+ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humour--and I take it for
+granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me, but Sir Peter you
+know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
+
+SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be
+too late--so good bye to ye.
+
+SIR PETER. So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation--yet
+with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say--and how
+pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't
+make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling
+with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is
+doing everything in her Power to plague me.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.--At LADY SNEERWELL'S
+
+     LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE,
+     and SURFACE
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it.
+
+SURFACE. Yes--yes the Epigram by all means.
+
+SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense--
+
+CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with the
+circumstances. You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty
+Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo
+Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I
+took out my Pocket-Book--and in one moment produced--the following:--
+
+   'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies;
+   Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies,
+   Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong,
+   Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long.
+
+CRABTREE. There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback
+too.
+
+SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles.
+
+     Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down to
+Piquet with Mr. Surface.
+
+MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you
+Please.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her--I thought
+He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir
+Peter came--[Aside.]
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your
+society.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be
+handsome.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .
+
+[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.
+
+CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen it
+come and go--
+
+CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night, and comes
+again in the morning.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's more
+egad her maid can fetch and carry it--
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so! But surely,
+now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.
+
+CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's an hour!
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two, or fifty-three
+is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was to see
+her Face.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair the
+ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity--and
+surely that's better than the careless manner in which the widow Ocre
+chaulks her wrinkles.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come, it
+isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face she
+joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended Statue,
+in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the
+Trunk's antique----
+
+CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate you
+for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking nor
+laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts her
+mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
+takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till it
+resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to
+slide out edgewise.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
+Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
+
+     Enter SIR PETER
+
+SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set! a
+character's dead at every word, I suppose.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been so
+censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
+
+SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
+swear.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even good
+nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
+[Quadrille's] last Night?
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such
+Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--laces
+herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer you may
+see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a
+Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as Miss Sallow.
+
+CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious--an
+awkward Gawky, without any one good Point under Heaven!
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss
+Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her Person great
+allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you a woman labours under many
+disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the weakness
+in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle-light it is not to
+be wonder'd at.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. True and then as to her manner--upon my word I think
+it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least
+Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner, and her
+Father a sugar-Baker at Bristow.--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, damned good-natured! Her own relation! mercy on me!
+[Aside.]
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend
+ill-spoken of?
+
+SIR PETER. No, to be sure!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs. Candour and can sit for an
+hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert
+after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks for
+mottoes--made up of Paint and Proverb.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend--and so I
+constantly tell my cousin Ogle--and you all know what pretensions she
+has to be critical in Beauty.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that
+ever was seen--'tis a collection of Features from all the different
+Countries of the globe.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. So she has indeed--an Irish Front----
+
+CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Dutch Nose----
+
+CRABTREE. Austrian Lips----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard----
+
+CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa--where
+no two guests are of a nation----
+
+CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the
+members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her
+Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[!] a Person they dine with twice a week!
+[Aside.]
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so--for
+give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle----
+
+SIR PETER. Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these
+good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs. Candour that the Lady
+they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take
+her Part.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel
+creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow
+wit in others.
+
+SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?] to good
+Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that
+they can never be united.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one
+seldom sees them together.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He
+would have it put down by Parliament.
+
+SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting
+with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors--and pass
+an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for
+the Bill.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our
+Privileges--
+
+SIR PETER. Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to
+kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and
+disappointed Widows.--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster--
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who
+only report what they hear?
+
+SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too--and in all
+cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to
+be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the
+indorsers.
+
+CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale
+without some foundation.<3>
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?
+
+     Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER
+
+SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly.--
+
+     [Exit SERVANT.]
+I'll get away unperceived.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?
+
+SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular
+Business--but I leave my Character behind me--
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a
+strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh
+heartily if He wern't your Husband.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.
+
+     [join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.]
+
+SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.
+
+MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the
+infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be
+the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of
+Dullness--
+
+SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no
+malice at heart--
+
+MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my
+opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a
+natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.
+
+SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of
+mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable
+than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others
+and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest
+Passion.--
+
+MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--
+
+SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your
+guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother
+is still a favour'd Rival.
+
+MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that
+unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound to
+give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive
+him of the regard even of a Brother.
+
+SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's
+honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not--no you
+shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle----
+
+MARIA. Lady Teazle!
+
+SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect----
+
+     [Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]
+
+LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me!--Child you are
+wanted in the next Room.--What's all this, pray--
+
+SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow
+suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd
+to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring
+to reason with her when you came.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of
+reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees?
+
+SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast----but Lady
+Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you
+promised----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent--and you know
+I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires.
+
+SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is
+entitled to.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion--however, I
+have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill
+humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to----
+
+SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Go--you are an insinuating Hypocrite--but we shall be
+miss'd--let us join the company.
+
+SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stay--for Maria shan't come to hear any more of
+your Reasoning, I promise you--
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into. I wanted
+at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she might not
+be my enemy with Maria--and I have I don't know how--become her
+serious Lover, so that I stand a chance of Committing a Crime I never
+meditated--and probably of losing Maria by the Pursuit!--Sincerely I
+begin to wish I had never made such a Point of gaining so very good a
+character, for it has led me into so many curst Rogueries that I doubt I
+shall be exposed at last.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE III.--At SIR PETER'S
+
+     --ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old Friend is married, hey?--a young
+wife out of the country!--ha! ha! that he should have stood Bluff to old
+Bachelor so long and sink into a Husband at last!
+
+ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver--'tis a
+tender Point I assure you though He has been married only seven months.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ah then he has been just half a year on the stool
+of Repentance--Poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up
+Charles--never sees him, hey?
+
+ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishing--and I am sure greatly
+increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazle--which he has
+been industriously led into by a scandalous Society--in the
+neighbourhood--who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name.
+Whereas the truth is[,] I believe[,] if the lady is partial to either of
+them his Brother is the Favourite.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye--I know--there are a set of malicious prating prudent
+Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill time, and
+will rob a young Fellow of his good name before He has years to know the
+value of it. . . but I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by
+such I promise you! No! no--if Charles has done nothing false or mean, I
+shall compound for his extravagance.
+
+ROWLEY. Then my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, Sir, it gives me
+new vigour to find that your heart is not turned against him--and that
+the son of my good old master has one friend however left--
+
+SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowley--when I was at his
+house myself--egad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent
+youths--and yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your
+old master was[.]
+
+ROWLEY. 'Tis this Reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be
+a credit to his Family--but here comes Sir Peter----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Egad so He does--mercy on me--He's greatly altered--and
+seems to have a settled married look--one may read Husband in his Face
+at this Distance.--
+
+     Enter SIR PETER
+
+SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Oliver--my old Friend--welcome to England--a thousand
+Times!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Thank you--thank you--Sir Peter--and Efaith I am as glad to
+find you well[,] believe me--
+
+SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met--sixteen year I doubt Sir
+Oliver--and many a cross accident in the Time--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share--but, what[!] I find you are
+married--hey my old Boy--well--well it can't be help'd--and so I wish
+you joy with all my heart--
+
+SIR PETER. Thank you--thanks Sir Oliver.--Yes, I have entered into the
+happy state but we'll not talk of that now.
+
+SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn't begin on
+grievances at first meeting. No, no--
+
+ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well--so one of my nephews I find is a wild Rogue--hey?
+
+SIR PETER. Wild!--oh! my old Friend--I grieve for your disappointment
+there--He's a lost young man indeed--however his Brother will make you
+amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be--everybody in the world
+speaks well of him--
+
+SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it--he has too good a character to be an
+honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow'd as
+low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue.
+
+SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes--if He has merit enough to deserve them.
+
+SIR PETER. Well--well--you'll be convinced when you know him--'tis
+edification to hear him converse--he professes the noblest Sentiments.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments--if he salutes me with a scrap
+sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly--but however
+don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend Charles's Errors--but
+before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of
+their Hearts--and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the
+Purpose.
+
+ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.
+
+SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine--and we'll drink the
+Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme.
+
+SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then----
+
+SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's
+son.
+
+SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy.--
+
+ROWLEY. Come--come--Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own
+guidance.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life--I am not sorry that He has run out of the
+course a little--for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to
+the green juices of youth--'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the
+growth of the Tree.
+
+     END OF THE SECOND ACT
+
+
+
+
+ACT III
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I.--At SIR PETER'S
+
+     SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY
+
+SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine
+afterwards.--but how is this, Master Rowley--I don't see the Jet of your
+scheme.
+
+ROWLEY. Why Sir--this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly
+related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin--but
+has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes--and now lately
+coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here--has been
+flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors--where he is now with
+two helpless Boys.--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this
+to lead to--?
+
+ROWLEY. You shall hear--He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and
+Charles--from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises
+of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has
+left him power to do--and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum
+of money--part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He
+intends for the service of poor Stanley.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son.
+
+SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to----
+
+ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has
+obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friends--and as they
+have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his
+character--and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of
+the Benevolence of their Dispositions.
+
+SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing--I make no doubt Charles is
+Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had
+it--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it--. I have brought a few Rupees
+home with me Sir Peter--and I only want to be sure of bestowing them
+rightly.--
+
+ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one
+who in the midst of Folly and dissipation--has still, as our immortal
+Bard expresses it,--
+
+   "a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity."
+
+SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse
+either when He has nothing left to give!--but if you talk of humane
+Sentiments--Joseph is the man--Well, well, make the trial, if you
+please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to
+examine, relative to Charles's affairs?
+
+ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better
+intelligence--This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him
+justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a
+proper sense of his extravagance.
+
+SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in.
+
+ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs.
+
+     [Calls to SERVANT.]
+
+SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth?
+
+ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering
+certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver,
+who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his
+interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom I
+shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir Peter[,]
+relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.
+
+SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject.
+
+ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.
+
+     Enter MOSES
+--This is Sir Oliver.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Sir--I understand you have lately had great dealings with my
+Nephew Charles.
+
+MOSES. Yes Sir Oliver--I have done all I could for him, but He was
+ruined before He came to me for Assistance.
+
+SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky truly--for you have had no opportunity of
+showing your Talents.
+
+MOSES. None at all--I hadn't the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses till
+he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add
+to them.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your
+Power for him honest Moses?
+
+MOSES. Yes he knows that--This very evening I was to have brought him a
+gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance
+some money.
+
+SIR PETER. What[!] one Charles has never had money from before?
+
+MOSES. Yes[--]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars.
+
+SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me!--Charles you say
+does'nt know Mr. Premium?
+
+MOSES. Not at all.
+
+SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of
+satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation--go
+with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I'll answer
+for't you'll see your Nephew in all his glory.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may visit
+Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
+
+SIR PETER. True so you may.
+
+ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be
+sure--however Moses--you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful----
+
+MOSES. You may depend upon me--and this is near the Time I was to have
+gone.
+
+SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses----but
+hold--I have forgot one thing--how the plague shall I be able to pass
+for a Jew?
+
+MOSES. There's no need--the Principal is Christian.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Is He--I'm very sorry to hear it--but then again--an't I
+rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-Lender?
+
+SIR PETER. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in
+your own carriage--would it, Moses!
+
+MOSES. Not in the least.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well--but--how must I talk[?] there's certainly some cant of
+usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.
+
+SIR PETER. Oh, there's not much to learn--the great point as I take it
+is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses?
+
+MOSES. Yes that's very great Point.
+
+SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that--I'll ask him
+eight or ten per cent. on the loan--at least.
+
+MOSES. You'll be found out directly--if you ask him no more than that,
+you'll be discovered immediately.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Hey!--what the Plague!--how much then?
+
+MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances--if he appears not very
+anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per
+cent.--but if you find him in great Distress, and want the monies very
+bad--you may ask double.
+
+SIR PETER. A good--[h]onest Trade you're learning, Sir Oliver--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think so--and not unprofitable--
+
+MOSES. Then you know--you haven't the monies yourself, but are forced to
+borrow them for him of a Friend.
+
+SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I?
+
+MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion'd Dog--but you can't help it.
+
+SIR OLIVER. My Friend's an unconscionable Dog, is he?
+
+MOSES. Yes--and He himself hasn't the monies by him--but is forced to
+sell stock--at a great loss--
+
+SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he--at a great loss, is
+he--well that's very kind of him--
+
+SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir Oliver--Mr. Premium I mean--you'll soon be master
+of the Trade--but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a
+minor--
+
+MOSES. O yes--
+
+SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him--
+
+MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well--well I shall be perfect--
+
+SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little
+against the annuity Bill--that would be in character I should think--
+
+MOSES. Very much--
+
+ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion
+before He is suffered to ruin himself!
+
+MOSES. Aye, great Pity!
+
+SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only
+object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief
+of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without
+being undone by coming into Possession.
+
+SIR OLIVER. So--so--Moses shall give me further instructions as we go
+together.
+
+SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives hard
+bye--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Oh Never--fear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho' Charles
+lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat
+Rogue before I turn the Corner--
+
+     [Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.]
+
+SIR PETER. So--now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced--you shan't
+follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for
+'tother plot.
+
+ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter--
+
+SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to
+say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her.--
+
+     [Exit ROWLEY.]
+I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and
+Charles were unjust--I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to
+my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do it--He will give me
+his opinion sincerely.--
+
+     Enter MARIA
+
+So Child--has Mr. Surface returned with you--
+
+MARIA. No Sir--He was engaged.
+
+SIR PETER. Well--Maria--do you not reflect[,] the more you converse with
+that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you deserves?
+
+MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter--your frequent importunity on this subject
+distresses me extremely--you compell me to Declare that I know no man
+who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer to
+Mr. Surface--
+
+SIR PETER. Soh! Here's Perverseness--no--no--Maria, 'tis Charles only
+whom you would prefer--'tis evident his Vices and Follies have won your
+Heart.
+
+MARIA. This is unkind Sir--You know I have obey'd you in neither seeing
+nor corresponding with him--I have heard enough to convince me that
+He is unworthy my regard--Yet I cannot think it culpable--if while my
+understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart suggests some Pity
+for his Distresses.
+
+SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your Heart
+and Hand to a worthier object.
+
+MARIA. Never to his Brother!
+
+SIR PETER. Go--perverse and obstinate! but take care, Madam--you have
+never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is--don't compel me to
+inform you of it.--
+
+MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason--'tis true, by
+my Father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his
+substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to
+be miserable.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[?] everything conspiring to
+fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before
+her Father--a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe--for the
+Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here
+comes my Helpmate!--She appears in great good humour----how happy I
+should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little----
+
+     Enter LADY TEAZLE
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with
+Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye--!
+
+SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good
+humour'd at all times--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I am sure--I wish I had--for I want you to be in a charming
+sweet temper at this moment--do be good humour'd now--and let me have
+two hundred Pounds will you?
+
+SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour
+without paying for it--but speak to me thus--and Efaith there's nothing
+I could refuse you. You shall have it--but seal me a bond for the
+repayment.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O no--there--my Note of Hand will do as well--
+
+SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an
+independent settlement--I shall shortly surprise you--and you'll not
+call me ungenerous--but shall we always live thus--hey?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. If you--please--I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off
+quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first--
+
+SIR PETER. Well--then let our future contest be who shall be most
+obliging.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you--you look
+now as you did before we were married--when you used to walk with me
+under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your
+youth--and chuck me under the chin you would--and ask me if I thought I
+could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing--didn't you?
+
+SIR PETER. Yes--yes--and you were as kind and attentive----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was--and would always take your Part, when my
+acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule--
+
+SIR PETER. Indeed!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Aye--and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff
+peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who
+might be my Father--I have always defended you--and said I didn't think
+you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a
+husband--
+
+SIR PETER. And you prophesied right--and we shall certainly now be the
+happiest couple----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.
+
+SIR PETER. No never--tho' at the same time indeed--my dear Lady
+Teazle--you must watch your Temper very narrowly--for in all our little
+Quarrels--my dear--if you recollect my Love you always began first--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon--my dear Sir Peter--indeed--you always
+gave the provocation.
+
+SIR PETER. Now--see, my Love take care--contradicting isn't the way to
+keep Friends.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love!
+
+SIR PETER. There now--you are going on--you don't perceive[,] my Life,
+that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always
+makes me angry.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Nay--you know if you will be angry without any reason--my
+Dear----
+
+SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No--I am sure I don't--but if you will be so peevish----
+
+SIR PETER. There--now who begins first?
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure--I said nothing[--]but there's no
+bearing your Temper.
+
+SIR PETER. No--no--my dear--the fault's in your own temper.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be--
+
+SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy--is a forward impertinent Gipsey--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear--how dare you abuse my Relations--
+
+SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever
+I try to be Friends with you any more----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.
+
+SIR PETER. No--no Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me--I was
+a madman to marry you--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you--an old dangling
+Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty--only because He never could
+meet with any one who would have him.
+
+SIR PETER. Aye--aye--Madam--but you were pleased enough to listen to
+me--you never had such an offer before--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No--didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier--who everybody
+said would have been a better Match--for his estate is just as good as
+yours--and he has broke his Neck since we have been married!
+
+SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an
+unfeeling--ungrateful--but there's an end of everything--I believe you
+capable of anything that's bad--Yes, Madam--I now believe the Reports
+relative to you and Charles--Madam--yes--Madam--you and Charles are--not
+without grounds----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Take--care Sir Peter--you had better not insinuate any such
+thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you----
+
+SIR PETER. Very--well--Madam--very well! a separate maintenance--as soon
+as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce--I'll make an example of myself
+for the Benefit of all old Batchelors--Let us separate, Madam.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Agreed--agreed--and now--my dear Sir Peter we are of a
+mind again, we may be the happiest couple--and never differ again, you
+know--ha! ha!--Well you are going to be in a Passion I see--and I shall
+only interrupt you--so, bye! bye! hey--young Jockey try'd and countered.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can't
+I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not
+bear her presuming to keep her Temper--No she may break my Heart--but
+she shan't keep her Temper.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.--At CHARLES's House
+
+     Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER
+
+TRIP. Here Master Moses--if you'll stay a moment--I'll try whether
+Mr.----what's the Gentleman's Name?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Mr.----Moses--what IS my name----
+
+MOSES. Mr. Premium----
+
+TRIP. Premium--very well.
+
+     [Exit TRIP--taking snuff.]
+
+SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants--one wouldn't believe the master
+was ruin'd--but what--sure this was my Brother's House----
+
+MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture,
+Pictures, &c.--just as the old Gentleman left it--Sir Peter thought it a
+great piece of extravagance in him.
+
+SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him was more
+reprehensible by half.----
+
+     Enter TRIP
+
+TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and
+can't speak with you yet.
+
+SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn't
+have sent such a Message.
+
+TRIP. Yes--yes--Sir--He knows you are here--I didn't forget little
+Premium--no--no----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Very well--and pray Sir what may be your Name?
+
+TRIP. Trip Sir--my Name is Trip, at your Service.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip--I presume your master is seldom without
+company----
+
+TRIP. Very seldom Sir--the world says ill-natured things of him but 'tis
+all malice--no man was ever better beloved--Sir he seldom sits down to
+dinner without a dozen particular Friends----
+
+SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeed--you have a pleasant sort of Place
+here I guess?
+
+TRIP. Why yes--here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably
+enough--but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear--and not
+very great either--but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and
+Bouquets----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets!--Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside.]
+
+TRIP. But a propos Moses--have you been able to get me that little Bill
+discounted?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too!--mercy on me! has his distresses,
+I warrant[,] like a Lord--and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside.]
+
+MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed----
+
+TRIP. Good lack--you surprise me--My Friend Brush has indorsed it and
+I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas as good as
+cash.
+
+MOSES. No 'twouldn't do.
+
+TRIP. A small sum--but twenty Pound--harkee, Moses do you think you
+could get it me by way of annuity?
+
+SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity--Well
+done Luxury egad! [Aside.]
+
+MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?
+
+TRIP. You know my Lord Applice--you have seen him however----
+
+MOSES. Yes----
+
+TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes--nobody dresses
+better, nobody throws off faster--very well this Gentleman will stand my
+security.
+
+MOSES. Well--but you must insure your Place.
+
+TRIP. O with all my Heart--I'll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you
+please.
+
+SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck----
+
+MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?
+
+TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd lately--but
+I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity
+of redemption before November or--you shall have the reversion--of the
+French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver--these I
+should think Moses--with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral
+security--hey, my little Fellow?
+
+MOSES. Well well--we'll talk presently--we detain the Gentlemen----
+
+SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation.
+
+TRIP. Harkee--I heard the Bell--I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce
+you--don't forget the annuity little Moses.
+
+SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of
+Dissipation indeed!
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE III.--CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc.
+
+     At Table with Wine
+
+CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true!--there is the great Degeneracy of the
+age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but
+plague on't they won't drink----
+
+CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial
+Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh,
+certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the
+social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright
+Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they
+drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its
+spirit or Flavour.
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than
+wine----
+
+CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under
+a hazard Regimen.
+
+CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a
+horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am
+never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a
+Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses
+which is exactly the same thing.
+
+SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow
+wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.
+
+CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a
+Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man
+can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis
+the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a
+dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched
+you.
+
+CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours----
+
+CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast
+her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!
+
+CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses
+that will do I warrant----
+
+CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria----
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?
+
+CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in
+Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's
+superlative.
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless--we'll stand to the
+Toast--tho' your mistress should want an eye--and you know you have a
+song will excuse you----
+
+CARELESS. Egad so I have--and I'll give him the song instead of the
+Lady.----
+
+     SONG.--AND CHORUS--<4>
+
+     Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
+        Here's to the widow of fifty;
+     Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean,
+        And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
+     Chorus.  Let the toast pass,--
+                  Drink to the lass,
+     I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass.
+
+     Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
+        Now to the maid who has none, sir;
+     Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
+        And here's to the nymph with but one, sir.
+     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.
+
+     Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow:
+        Now to her that's as brown as a berry:
+     Here's to the wife with a face full of woe,
+        And now to the damsel that's merry.
+     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.
+
+     For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim,
+        Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
+     So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
+     So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
+        And let us e'en toast them together.
+     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.
+
+     [Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]
+
+SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless--Ther's Toast and Sentiment too.
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song.----
+
+CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little.--Careless, take the
+Chair, will you?
+
+CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles--what now--this is one of your Peerless
+Beauties I suppose--has dropped in by chance?
+
+CHARLES. No--Faith--to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker who
+are come by appointment.
+
+CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in.
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means----
+
+SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.
+
+CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart--Trip--bid the Gentlemen walk in--tho'
+there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you----
+
+TRIP. What Sir--would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with----
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes--yes Mr. Premium certainly.
+
+CARELESS. To be sure--Mr. Premium--by all means Charles, let us give
+them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious----
+
+CHARLES. O, Hang 'em--no--wine does but draw forth a man's natural
+qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.
+
+     Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES
+
+CHARLES. So--honest Moses--walk in--walk in pray Mr. Premium--that's the
+Gentleman's name isn't it Moses.
+
+MOSES. Yes Sir.
+
+CHARLES. Set chairs--Trim.--Sit down, Mr Premium.--Glasses Trim.--sit
+down Moses.--Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment--Here's Success
+to Usury--Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper.
+
+MOSES. Success to Usury!
+
+CARELESS. Right Moses--Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to
+succeed----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Then Here is--all the success it deserves!     [Drinks.]
+
+CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet--but I hope we
+shall be better acquainted by and bye----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall--more intimately perhaps than you'll
+wish. [Aside.<5>]
+
+CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the
+toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
+
+FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.
+
+MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider--Mr. Premium's a gentleman.
+
+CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.
+
+SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass--this is mutiny, and a high
+contempt for the chair.
+
+CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my
+bottle.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen--I did not expect this usage.
+
+CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.]
+
+CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down
+with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.--Charles, you'll
+join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
+
+CHARLES. I will! I will!--
+
+     [Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.]
+Careless.
+
+CARELESS. [Returning.] Well!
+
+CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.
+
+CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all
+the same to me.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour
+and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this
+is----
+
+CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow,
+but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles.
+Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant
+young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old
+fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty
+per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough
+to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted
+at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man
+of many compliments.
+
+CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken
+in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure
+some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses?
+And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!
+
+MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell
+a lie!
+
+CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are
+trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without
+paying for't!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I
+suppose?
+
+CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out
+of the window!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
+
+CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers and
+ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my
+connections?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
+
+CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in
+the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
+expectations?
+
+SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
+expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
+
+CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious
+favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
+
+CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
+Moses?
+
+MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside.]
+
+CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a
+post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow
+has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very
+sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
+mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I
+might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
+
+CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you
+would come on me for the money.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever
+had in your life.
+
+CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a
+life?
+
+SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and
+healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
+
+CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has
+hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm
+told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not
+know him.
+
+SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest
+relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!
+
+CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
+
+SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
+
+CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your
+chance.
+
+SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is
+actually arrived.
+
+CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
+not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
+
+MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I
+have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
+
+MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
+
+SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
+immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
+
+CHARLES. How do you mean?
+
+SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind
+him a great quantity of massy old plate.
+
+CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than
+I can.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
+corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library
+was one of the most valuable and compact.
+
+CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private
+gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so
+I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family
+like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books?
+
+CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't
+believe even Moses can direct you.
+
+MOSES. I know nothing of books.
+
+SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
+
+CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
+pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a
+taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your
+forefathers, would you?
+
+CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
+
+SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
+
+CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!--[Aloud.] What the plague,
+have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for
+Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh
+and blood?
+
+CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if
+you have your money's worth?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the
+family canvas.--[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
+
+     Re-enter CARELESS
+
+CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
+
+CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above
+stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
+
+CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
+
+CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless,
+we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come along with us.
+
+CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer
+as well as a dice box! Going! going!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
+
+CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's
+life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a
+rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha!--[Aside.] Oh, the
+prodigal!
+
+CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he
+get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!
+
+     END OF THE THIRD ACT
+
+
+
+
+ACT IV
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I.--A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House
+
+     Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
+
+CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family of
+the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
+
+SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
+
+CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting;
+no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern
+Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make
+your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original
+and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate
+likeness--all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in
+human nature besides.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
+
+CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
+character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
+come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of
+my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
+
+CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and
+what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
+
+CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our
+genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall
+have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you,
+you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my
+ancestors with their own pedigree.
+
+SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!--an ex post facto parricide!
+[Aside.]
+
+CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith,
+Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the
+business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into
+the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going!
+
+CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
+Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served
+in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye
+at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at
+him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped
+captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should
+be. What do you bid?
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
+
+MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
+
+CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
+that's not dear for a staff-officer.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten
+pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
+
+CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now, is a maiden
+sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best
+manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see,
+a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds
+ten--the sheep are worth the money.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on
+herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine.
+
+CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort
+of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done some
+time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower
+in those days.
+
+CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
+
+MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
+
+CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a
+learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him
+at, Moses?
+
+MOSES. Four guineas.
+
+CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his
+wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us
+knock his lordship down at fifteen.
+
+SIR OLIVER. By all means.
+
+CARELESS. Gone!
+
+CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
+Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
+very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
+bought or sold.
+
+SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your
+own price, for the honour of Parliament.
+
+CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
+
+CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was
+mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
+
+SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
+
+CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here
+into the bargain.
+
+SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
+
+CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't!
+we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale:
+what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest
+of the family in the lump.
+
+CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But
+there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
+
+CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
+ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
+
+CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he
+went to India.
+
+CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
+Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an
+unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate
+knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
+looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
+Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
+
+CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has
+been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room
+to put it in.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.] But,
+sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
+
+CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons,
+haven't you got enough of them?
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything!--[Aloud.] But, Sir, when
+I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for
+that as for all the rest.
+
+CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with
+it, and there's an end of it.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is.--[Aloud.] Well,
+well, I have done.--[Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think
+I never saw such a striking resemblance.--[Aloud.] Here is a draught for
+your sum.
+
+CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
+
+SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
+
+CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another
+time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow,
+Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.--Come, Moses.
+
+CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!--But hark'ee, Premium,
+you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.
+
+CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
+assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
+
+SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.
+
+CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.
+
+SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?
+
+CHARLES. Peremptorily.
+
+SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue!--[Aloud.] Good day! Come,
+Moses.--[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
+
+     [Exit with MOSES.]
+
+CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
+
+CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
+the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.--Ha! here's
+Rowley.--Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.
+
+CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to
+squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for
+tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
+
+CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
+
+CARELESS. Nothing else.
+
+CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.--
+
+     [Exit CARELESS.]
+So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
+five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
+I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
+for!--Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
+servant.     [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]
+
+     Enter ROWLEY
+
+Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your
+old acquaintance.
+
+ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such
+spirits under so many distresses.
+
+CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't
+affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all
+in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more
+sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very
+affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
+
+ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.
+
+CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me
+this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to
+old Stanley.
+
+ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only----
+
+CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are
+pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that
+has a better right to the money.
+
+ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the
+old proverb----
+
+CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.--Why, so I would if I could;
+but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace
+with Generosity, for the soul of me.
+
+ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection----
+
+CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by
+Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.--The Parlour
+
+     Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES
+
+MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in
+high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.
+
+SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture--
+
+MOSES. And loves wine and women so much--
+
+SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.
+
+MOSES. And game so deep--
+
+SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley!
+
+     Enter ROWLEY
+
+ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like
+old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as
+cheap as broken China.--
+
+ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of
+the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old
+Stanley----
+
+MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.
+
+ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure
+won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences
+too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more
+a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley----
+
+ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this
+time.
+
+     Enter TRIP
+
+TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this
+way--Moses, a word.
+
+     [Exit TRIP with MOSES.]
+
+SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy
+intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he
+got to his master!
+
+ROWLEY. Indeed!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master
+Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their
+Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their
+Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE III.--A Library
+
+     SURFACE and SERVANT
+
+SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?
+
+SERVANT. No Sir--
+
+SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
+coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may
+not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the
+wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points
+in my Favour.
+
+SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle--
+
+SURFACE. Hold[!] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I
+have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.
+
+SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the
+milliner's in the next Street.
+
+SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will
+do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!--
+
+     [SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]
+
+I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately
+suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that
+secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
+
+     Enter LADY TEAZLE
+
+LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very
+impatient now?--O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't
+come before----
+
+SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very
+unfashionable quality in a Lady.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter
+is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too
+that's the best of the story isn't it?
+
+SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then
+perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface?
+
+SURFACE. Indeed I do not.--[Aside.] O certainly I do--for then my dear
+Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my
+having any design on the silly Girl----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really
+never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
+
+SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she
+has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I
+declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.--
+
+SURFACE. So she would.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you
+know is mighty dull--
+
+SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when
+one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in
+them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.
+
+SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little
+sort of a squint--
+
+SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in
+one eye--that's the Truth on't.
+
+SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has
+quite corrupted you.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught
+by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of
+me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
+
+SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than
+others of her acquaintance.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured
+Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
+I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any
+foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
+
+SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking
+circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification
+indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there
+certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack
+me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of
+anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have
+him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own
+Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.
+
+SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
+it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
+withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she
+owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows
+that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--
+
+SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in
+you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
+discernment--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the
+consciousness of my own Innocence----
+
+SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very
+conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is
+it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why
+the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in
+your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the
+consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's
+temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your
+own Innocence--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.
+
+SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux
+Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to
+humour and agree with your Husband.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--
+
+SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease
+at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a
+Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I
+must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my
+Reputation.--
+
+SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest
+Receipt for avoiding calumny.
+
+SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be
+paid for--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----
+
+SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
+convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything
+you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the
+Argument? [Rises.]
+
+SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still
+remain with you.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
+that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
+ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
+
+SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----
+
+     Enter SERVANT
+
+Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?
+
+SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir
+Peter to come up without announcing him?
+
+SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
+
+SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--Oh!
+mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so
+imprudent again----
+
+     [Goes behind the screen--]
+
+SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----
+
+     [Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]
+
+     Enter SIR PETER
+
+SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--
+
+SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws
+away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I
+am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe
+since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a
+Coxcomb in--
+
+SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make
+even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--
+
+SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.
+
+SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out
+anything in a Hurry.
+
+SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--
+
+SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--
+
+SURFACE. You needn't stay.
+
+SERVANT. No--Sir----
+
+     [Exit SERVANT.]
+
+SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----
+
+SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
+Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the
+greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's
+conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
+
+SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--
+
+SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for
+me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she
+must have formed an attachment to another.
+
+SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
+
+SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the
+Person.
+
+SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!
+
+SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--
+
+SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just
+as much as it would you--
+
+SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend
+whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess
+who I mean?
+
+SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin
+Backbite.
+
+SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?
+
+SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the
+scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been
+charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so
+gross an injury--
+
+SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads
+you--you judge of others by yourself.
+
+SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
+integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--
+
+SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him
+talk so.--
+
+SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable
+of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself
+has too much Principle----
+
+SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a
+handsome--lively young Fellow--
+
+SURFACE. That's very true--
+
+SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
+improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she
+were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only
+laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl----
+
+SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh.
+
+SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil
+knows what of me--
+
+SURFACE. No--you must never make it public--
+
+SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir
+Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more
+nearly--
+
+SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the
+wound has double danger in it--
+
+SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House
+he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my
+advice--
+
+SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such
+Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive
+Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should
+be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred
+with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and
+attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of
+Society.
+
+SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble
+sentiments!--
+
+SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.
+
+SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all
+ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than
+once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel,
+she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was
+dead.--now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved
+she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if
+I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her
+Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds
+which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight
+hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my
+Fortune after my Death.
+
+SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may
+not corrupt my pupil.--[Aside.]
+
+SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho'
+I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection
+yet awhile.
+
+SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it.
+
+SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the
+situation of your Hopes with Maria.
+
+SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly].
+
+SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to
+make in her affection.
+
+SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when
+your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every
+way.
+
+SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with
+YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.
+
+SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.--I am really too much affected
+by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own
+concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can
+never----
+
+     Enter SERVANT
+
+Well, Sir?
+
+SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street,
+and says He knows you're within.
+
+SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day.
+
+SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home.
+
+SURFACE. Well--well--let him up.--
+
+     [Exit SERVANT.]
+
+He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.]
+
+SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles
+comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point
+we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once.--
+
+SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to
+trepan my Brother too?
+
+SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do
+him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear
+himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse
+me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to
+be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat.--
+
+SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you,
+Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable
+Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an
+absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly
+Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran
+behind the Screen.--
+
+SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been
+saying of my Wife.
+
+SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.
+
+SIR PETER. No!--then efaith let her hear it out.--Here's a Closet will
+do as well.--
+
+SURFACE. Well, go in there.--
+
+SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue.--
+
+SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm
+in!--to part man and wife in this manner.--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off--
+
+SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!
+
+SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Joseph--tax him home.
+
+SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend
+
+LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?--
+
+SURFACE. Be still--my Life!
+
+SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?
+
+SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the
+Door.
+
+     Enter CHARLES
+
+CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't
+let me up at first--What[?] have you had a Jew or a wench with you.--
+
+SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.
+
+CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been
+with you--
+
+SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to
+stay--
+
+CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
+of him?
+
+SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately
+given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.
+
+CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how
+so Pray?
+
+SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to
+gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.
+
+CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word.--Ha! ha! ha! so the old
+Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's
+worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?
+
+SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh----
+
+CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had
+the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
+
+SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
+
+CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to
+have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least
+encouragement.--Beside you know my Attachment to Maria--
+
+SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest
+Partiality for you----
+
+CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do
+a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw
+herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to
+be her Father----
+
+SURFACE. Well?
+
+CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your
+Morality, that's all.--but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me
+exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood
+YOU were her Favourite--
+
+SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish.
+
+CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
+Glances----
+
+SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest--
+
+CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called
+here----
+
+SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles
+
+CHARLES. And found you together----
+
+SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist----
+
+CHARLES. And another time when your Servant----
+
+SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside.]
+
+CHARLES. Informed--me that----
+
+SURFACE. Hush!--I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we
+have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have
+consented--
+
+CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He--
+
+SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.]
+
+CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter
+come forth!
+
+SURFACE. No--no----
+
+CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court.--
+
+     [Pulls in SIR PETER.]
+
+What--my old Guardian--what[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence
+incog.--
+
+SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you
+wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan--
+
+CHARLES. Indeed!--
+
+SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of
+you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
+
+CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it
+Joseph?
+
+SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
+
+CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke.
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.
+
+CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter,
+for all that--mightn't He, Joseph?
+
+SIR PETER. Well well I believe you--
+
+SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!
+
+     Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE
+
+SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.
+
+SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is
+a Person come on particular Business----
+
+CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't
+met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.
+
+SURFACE. They must not be left together.--I'll send this man away and
+return directly--
+
+     [SURFACE goes out.]
+
+SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one
+might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well!
+there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
+
+CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good
+Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in
+his House as a Girl--
+
+SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake
+but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to
+tell him--we should have such a Laugh!
+
+CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit!
+
+SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it
+again I promise you.
+
+CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?
+
+SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a
+mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
+
+CHARLES. I should like it of all things--
+
+SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering
+me.--He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]
+
+CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest--
+
+SIR PETER. Hush!--a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest
+is--she's in the room now.
+
+CHARLES. The devil she is--
+
+SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]
+
+CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!
+
+SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed!
+
+CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!
+
+SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me.
+
+CHARLES. I'll stand by you----
+
+SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming--
+
+     [SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
+
+     Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE
+
+CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!
+
+SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!
+
+CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever
+saw!--Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide
+and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret!--Shall I beg your
+Ladyship to inform me!--Not a word!--Brother!--will you please to
+explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?--Sir Peter, though I
+found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho'
+I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly
+understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves.--[Going.]
+Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so
+much uneasiness!--Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a
+man of Sentiment!--
+
+     [Stand for some time looking at one another.  Exit CHARLES.]
+
+SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are
+against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I
+shall explain everything to your satisfaction.--
+
+SIR PETER. If you please--Sir--
+
+SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions
+to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the
+Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S
+he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those
+Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your
+Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth
+of the Matter.
+
+SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the
+Lady will vouch for every article of it.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter--
+
+SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman
+has told you.
+
+SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am--
+
+SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself--
+
+SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better
+story than you without Prompting.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to
+your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but
+I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at
+least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your
+Honour to his Baseness.
+
+SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]
+
+SURFACE. The Woman's mad--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have
+furnished her with the means. Sir Peter--I do not expect you to credit
+me--but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could
+not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had
+I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery--my future
+life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude--as for that
+smooth-tongued Hypocrite--who would have seduced the wife of his too
+credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward--I
+behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again
+Respect myself for having Listened to him.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter--Heaven knows----
+
+SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!--and so I leave you to your
+conscience--
+
+SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter--you SHALL hear me--The man who
+shuts out conviction by refusing to----
+
+     [Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]
+
+     END OF THE FOURTH
+
+
+
+
+ACT V
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I.--The Library
+
+     Enter SURFACE and SERVANT
+
+SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?--you
+must know he came to ask something!
+
+SERVANT. Sir--I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to
+the Door with him.
+
+SURFACE. Pshaw!--Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper
+to receive visits from poor Relations!--well why don't you show the
+Fellow up?
+
+SERVANT. I will--Sir--Why, Sir--it was not my Fault that Sir Peter
+discover'd my Lady----
+
+SURFACE. Go, fool!--
+
+    [Exit SERVANT.]
+
+Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before--my
+character with Sir Peter!--my Hopes with Maria!--destroy'd in a
+moment!--I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!--I
+shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley--So!
+here--He comes and Rowley with him--I MUST try to recover myself, and
+put a little Charity into my Face however.----
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+     Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY
+
+SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He--was it not?
+
+ROWLEY. It was Sir--but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly--his
+Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for
+him--I should have gone first to break you to him.
+
+SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves--yet this is He whom Sir Peter
+extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!--
+
+ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking--I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to
+do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any
+private Gentleman in the Kingdom--though he is seldom so sensual as to
+indulge himself in the exercise of it----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at
+his Fingers' ends!--
+
+ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there
+is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home.'
+
+SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs
+abroad at all.
+
+ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to
+interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to
+announce--your arrival in your real Character.
+
+SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's----
+
+ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance
+of his Features.
+
+     Enter SURFACE
+
+SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment
+waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume----
+
+SIR OLIVER. At your Service.
+
+SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you
+Sir.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half!
+
+SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am
+extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my
+mother--I think Mr. Stanley----
+
+SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do
+discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to
+trouble you.--
+
+SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a
+stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish
+I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small
+relief.
+
+SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a
+Friend----
+
+SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an
+advocate with him--believe me Sir.
+
+SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend
+me.--but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of
+his Charity.
+
+SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a
+worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice
+Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in
+confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho'
+People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to
+contradict the Report.
+
+SIR OLIVER. What!--has he never
+transmitted--you--Bullion--Rupees--Pagodas!
+
+SURFACE. O Dear Sir--Nothing of the kind--no--no--a few Presents now and
+then--china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats--and indian Crackers--little
+more, believe me.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!--Avadavats and
+indian Crackers.
+
+SURFACE. Then my dear--Sir--you have heard, I doubt not, of the
+extravagance of my Brother--Sir--there are very few would credit what I
+have done for that unfortunate young man.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!
+
+SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed--I have been exceedingly to
+blame--it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend
+it--and now I feel it doubly culpable--since it has deprived me of the
+power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir--you cannot assist me?
+
+SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot--but whenever I have
+the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
+
+SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry----
+
+SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me--to pity without the Power to
+relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir--your most obedient humble servant.
+
+SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be ready to
+open the door----
+
+SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony----
+
+SURFACE. Your very obedient----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious----
+
+SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of
+service----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir--you are too good----
+
+SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant----
+
+SURFACE. Sir--yours as sincerely----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Charles!--you are my Heir.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SURFACE, solus Soh!--This is one bad effect of a good Character--it
+invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small
+degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without
+incurring the expence.--The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive
+article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities--whereas the
+sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a
+shew--and pays no tax.
+
+     Enter ROWLEY
+
+ROWLEY. Mr. Surface--your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting
+you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention--as this Note will
+inform you----
+
+SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley--how--Oliver--Surface!--My Unkle
+arrived!
+
+ROWLEY. He is indeed--we have just parted--quite well--after a speedy
+voyage--and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.
+
+SURFACE. I am astonished!--William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not
+gone----
+
+ROWLEY. O--He's out of reach--I believe.
+
+SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together.--
+
+ROWLEY. I thought you had particular--Business--but must be gone to
+inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be
+with you in a quarter of an hour----
+
+SURFACE. So he says. Well--I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming--never
+to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!
+
+ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.
+
+SURFACE. O--I'm rejoiced to hear it--just at this time----
+
+ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him----
+
+SURFACE. Do--do--pray--give my best duty and affection--indeed, I cannot
+express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him!--certainly
+his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune----
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.--At SIR PETER'S House
+
+     Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT
+
+SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour----
+
+SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again--I shall be glad to see her if it be only for
+a moment--for I am sure she must be in great Distress
+
+     [exit MAID]
+
+--Dear Heart--how provoking!--I'm not mistress of half the
+circumstances!--We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with
+the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a
+dozen houses.
+
+     Enter SIR BENJAMIN
+
+Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!--I am so sorry
+for all Parties--indeed,
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all--he was so
+extravagant--partial to Mr. Surface----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!--why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was
+detected.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--Charles is the man--'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir
+Peter on purpose to discover them----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately--but here comes Lady
+Sneerwell--perhaps she knows the whole affair.
+
+     Enter LADY SNEERWELL
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. So--my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our
+Friend Teazle----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'--indeed
+she was always too lively for me.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too--free--but she
+was very young----
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed--but have you heard the Particulars?
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. No--but everybody says that Mr. Surface----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you--Mr. Surface was the Man.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--indeed the assignation was with Charles----
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!--You alarm me Mrs. Candour!
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Yes--yes He was the Lover--Mr. Surface--do him
+justice--was only the Informer.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour--but be it
+which it may--I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their
+Fighting----
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. No--what no mention of the Duel----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord--yes--yes--they fought before they left the Room.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Aye--do oblige--us with the Duel----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'--says Sir Peter--immediately after the Discovery,
+'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.'
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. No, no--to Mr. Surface--'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old
+as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.'
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely
+Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all--giving me immediate
+satisfaction--on this, Madam--Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such
+Danger--ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics--and Charles after her
+calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam--they began to fight
+with Swords----
+
+     Enter CRABTREE
+
+CRABTREE. With Pistols--Nephew--I have it from undoubted authority.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true----
+
+CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second--quite thro' his left side
+
+CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy--on me[!] Poor Sir Peter----
+
+CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he
+could----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter----
+
+CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know----
+
+CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak--and insisted on immediate----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said----
+
+CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too--A Pair
+of Pistols lay on the Bureau--for Mr. Surface--it seems, had come home
+the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem
+with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton--so unluckily the Pistols were left
+Charged----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this----
+
+CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired--it seems
+pretty nearly together--Charles's shot took Place as I tell you--and Sir
+Peter's miss'd--but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against
+a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place--grazed out of the
+window at a right angle--and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to
+the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must
+confess--but I believe mine is the true one for all that.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
+imagine--and must have better information.--
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.--
+
+CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here nor
+there.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present----
+
+CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House, tho'
+the Servants are order'd to deny it----
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending him----
+
+CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here----
+
+CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
+know----
+
+     Enter SIR OLIVER
+
+CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes?
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----
+
+CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the
+Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People?
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
+
+CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you
+must have heard of this accident--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
+
+CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
+
+SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----
+
+CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----
+
+CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your
+accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
+
+CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is
+the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at
+all was the matter.
+
+     Enter SIR PETER
+
+Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we
+had just given you over!
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
+through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
+
+SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or
+Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
+
+SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not
+true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
+
+SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.]
+
+CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry
+at all at your years.
+
+SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's
+very much to be pitied.
+
+SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and
+jests you will meet with on the occasion.
+
+SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
+
+CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
+
+SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist
+on your leaving my house directly!
+
+MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the
+best report of you we can.
+
+SIR PETER. Leave my house!
+
+CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
+
+SIR PETER. Leave my House--
+
+SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
+
+SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke
+them!
+
+SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
+
+     Enter ROWLEY
+
+ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--
+
+SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my
+Vexations?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I
+have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
+
+SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!
+
+ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right
+Sir Peter.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
+
+ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.
+
+SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
+
+ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's
+this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I
+expected.
+
+SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer
+we praise the better.
+
+ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your
+Life?
+
+SIR PETER. Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have
+heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you!
+
+ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted
+with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled,
+that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you--
+
+SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?
+
+SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!
+
+SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen--hey[?]
+
+SIR OLIVER. Yes yes--and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been
+vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!
+
+SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!
+
+ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles--to pull Sir Peter out of the
+closet: ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face
+when the screen was thrown down--ha! ha!
+
+SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I
+must never show my head again!
+
+SIR OLIVER. But come--come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old
+Friend--tho' upon my soul I can't help it--
+
+SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not
+hurt me at all--I laugh at the whole affair myself--Yes--yes--I
+think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy
+situation--O yes--and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about
+Mr. S----, Lady T----, and Sir P----, will be so entertaining!--I shall
+certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!
+
+ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of
+Fools--but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room--I am sure you
+must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you--well I'll
+leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all
+presently to Mr. Surface's--where I am now returning--if not to reclaim
+a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.
+
+SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with
+all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.
+
+SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot
+that you all live so near one another!
+
+     [Exit SIR OLIVER.]
+
+ROWLEY. We'll follow--
+
+SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley--
+
+ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you
+perceive.--see she is in Tears--!
+
+SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.--how dejected
+she appears--
+
+ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her--
+
+SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a
+wife--don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.
+
+ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you--
+
+SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think--you remember Rowley the Letter
+I found of her's--evidently intended for Charles?
+
+ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter--laid in your way on Purpose--this is
+one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on--
+
+SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that--She looks this
+way----what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll
+go to her--
+
+ROWLEY. Certainly--
+
+SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will
+laugh at me ten times more!
+
+ROWLEY. Let--them laugh--and retort their malice only by showing them
+you are happy in spite of it.
+
+SIR PETER. Efaith so I will--and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the
+happiest couple in the country--
+
+ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter--He who once lays aside suspicion----
+
+SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley--if you have any Regard for me--never let
+me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM
+to serve me the rest of my Life.
+
+     [Exeunt.]
+
+
+
+
+SCENE THE LAST.--The Library
+
+     SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled
+to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA?
+the thought is Distraction to me!
+
+SURFACE. Can Passion--furnish a Remedy?
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. No--nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot--to
+league with such a Blunderer!
+
+SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer--yet you see I
+bear the accident with Calmness.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your
+HEART--your interest only attached you to Maria--had you felt for
+her--what I have for that ungrateful Libertine--neither your Temper nor
+Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.
+
+SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this
+Disappointment?
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in
+your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.--had you not a
+sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting
+your Brother--I hate such an avarice of crimes--'tis an unfair monopoly
+and never prospers.
+
+SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame--I confess I deviated from
+the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated
+neither.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. No!
+
+SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met--and
+that you still believe him faithful to us--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.
+
+SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary--to swear and
+prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to
+your Ladyship--which some of his former letters to you will serve to
+support--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted--
+
+SURFACE. Come--come it is not too late yet--but hark! this is probably
+my Unkle Sir Oliver--retire to that Room--we'll consult further when
+He's gone.--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to--
+
+SURFACE. O I have no fear of that--Sir Peter will hold his tongue for
+his own credit sake--and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir
+Oliver's weak side!--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities--only be constant
+to one roguery at a time--
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SURFACE. I will--I will--So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune,
+to be baited by one's confederate in evil--well at all events
+my character is so much better than Charles's, that I
+certainly--hey--what!--this is not Sir Oliver--but old Stanley
+again!--Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now--I shall
+have Sir Oliver come and find him here--and----
+
+     Enter SIR OLIVER
+
+Gad's life, Mr. Stanley--why have you come back to plague me at this
+time? you must not stay now upon my word!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Sir--I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here--and tho' He
+has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me--
+
+SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now--so I must beg----come
+any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.
+
+SIR OLIVER. No--Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted--
+
+SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the--Room
+directly--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir----
+
+SURFACE. Sir--I insist on't--here William show this Gentleman out. Since
+you compel me Sir--not one moment--this is such insolence.
+
+     [Going to push him out.]
+
+     Enter CHARLES
+
+CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now?--what the Devil have you got
+hold of my little Broker here! Zounds--Brother, don't hurt little
+Premium. What's the matter--my little Fellow?
+
+SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He--
+
+CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little----But sure
+Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?
+
+SURFACE. Borrowing--no!--But, Brother--you know sure we expect Sir
+Oliver every----
+
+CHARLES. O Gad, that's true--Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to
+be sure--
+
+SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists----
+
+CHARLES. Stanley--why his name's Premium--
+
+SURFACE. No no Stanley.
+
+CHARLES. No, no--Premium.
+
+SURFACE. Well no matter which--but----
+
+CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say--for
+I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the
+Coffee-House. [Knock.]
+
+SURFACE. 'Sdeath--here's Sir Oliver at the Door----Now I beg--Mr.
+Stanley----
+
+CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen----
+
+SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go--
+
+CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly----
+
+SIR OLIVER. This violence----
+
+SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.
+
+CHARLES. Out with him to be sure.     [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]
+
+     Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY
+
+SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!--hey! what in the name of
+wonder!--Here are dutiful Nephews!--assault their Unkle at his first
+Visit!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.
+
+ROWLEY. Truly it was--for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old
+Stanley was no Protection to you.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either--the necessities of the former could
+not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other
+I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked
+down without being bid for.
+
+SURFACE. Charles!
+
+CHARLES. Joseph!
+
+SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!
+
+CHARLES. Very!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter--my Friend and Rowley too--look on that elder
+Nephew of mine--You know what He has already received from my Bounty and
+you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held
+in trust for him--judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be
+destitute of Truth--Charity--and Gratitude--
+
+SIR PETER. Sir Oliver--I should be more surprized at this Declaration,
+if I had not myself found him to be selfish--treacherous and
+Hypocritical.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let
+him call ME to his Character.
+
+SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more--if He knows himself He
+will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the
+world--
+
+CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty--what will they say to ME by
+and bye!
+
+SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal--his Brother there----
+
+CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn--the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin
+me--
+
+SURFACE. Sir Oliver--Unkle--will you honour me with a hearing--
+
+CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I
+might recollect myself a little--
+
+SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself
+entirely--
+
+SURFACE. I trust I could--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Nay--if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to
+be justified--you have even less principle than I thought you had.--[To
+CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir--and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I
+suppose--
+
+CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
+
+SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the secret
+I presume.
+
+CHARLES. True--Sir--but they were Family Secrets, and should not be
+mentioned again you know.
+
+ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies
+with anger.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can--nor with gravity either--Sir
+Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his
+Ancestors--sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as
+cheap as broken China!
+
+CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the
+Family Canvas that's the truth on't:--my Ancestors may certainly rise in
+judgment against me there's no denying it--but believe me sincere when I
+tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not--that if I do
+not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I
+feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal
+benefactor.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Charles--I believe you--give me your hand again: the
+ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.
+
+CHARLES. Then Sir--my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom
+Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.
+
+SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there--and, with the young
+Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush----
+
+SIR PETER. Well--Child--speak your sentiments--you know--we are going to
+be reconciled to Charles--
+
+MARIA. Sir--I have little to say--but that I shall rejoice to hear that
+He is happy--For me--whatever claim I had to his Affection--I willing
+resign to one who has a better title.
+
+CHARLES. How Maria!
+
+SIR PETER. Heyday--what's the mystery now? while he appeared an
+incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that
+He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!
+
+MARIA. His own Heart--and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
+
+[CHARLES.] Lady Sneerwell!
+
+SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern--I am obliged to speak on
+this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me--and Lady Sneerwell's
+injuries can no longer--be concealed--[Goes to the Door.]
+
+     Enter LADY SNEERWELL
+
+SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room
+in the House I suppose--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel
+for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.
+
+CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I
+don't understand it.
+
+SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more
+necessary to make it extremely clear.
+
+SIR PETER. And that Person--I imagine, is Mr. Snake--Rowley--you were
+perfectly right to bring him with us--and pray let him appear.
+
+ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake--
+
+     Enter SNAKE
+
+I thought his Testimony might be wanted--however it happens unluckily
+that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her--
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!--Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow,
+have you too conspired against me?
+
+SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship--ten thousand Pardons--you paid me extremely
+Liberally for the Lie in question--but I unfortunately have been offer'd
+double to speak the Truth.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!
+
+LADY TEAZLE. Hold--Lady Sneerwell--before you go let me thank you for
+the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me
+to Charles and answering them yourself--and let me also request you
+to make my Respects to the Scandalous College--of which you are
+President--and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to
+return the diploma they granted her--as she leaves of[f] Practice and
+kills Characters no longer.
+
+LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking--insolent!--may your Husband live these fifty
+years!
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury----
+
+LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!
+
+SIR PETER. Hey--not for her last wish?--
+
+LADY TEAZLE. O No--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?
+
+SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be
+guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that
+I know not what to say----however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should
+prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her
+directly.
+
+     [Exit.]
+
+SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.--Oil and Vinegar
+egad:--you'll do very well together.
+
+ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present--
+
+SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I
+have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
+
+SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last--
+
+SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known--
+
+SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done a right
+thing once in your life?
+
+SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!--I have
+nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once known that I
+had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I
+have in the world.
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your
+Praise never fear.
+
+     [Exit SNAKE.]
+
+SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer and a
+Critic.
+
+LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to
+reconcile your Nephew and Maria--
+
+SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have the
+wedding to-morrow morning--
+
+CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
+
+SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--
+
+CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--and She
+has look'd yes--
+
+MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a
+word----
+
+SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each other
+never know--abatement.
+
+SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and
+I--intend to do--
+
+CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and I
+suspect too that I owe you much.
+
+SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--
+
+ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been
+in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you over-repay
+me.
+
+SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
+
+CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--and that
+I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--But here shall be my
+Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes
+illumine?
+
+   Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
+   --Thou still must Rule--because I will obey:
+   An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
+   No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
+   You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
+   For even Scandal dies if you approve.  [To the audience.]
+
+     EPILOGUE
+
+     BY MR. COLMAN
+
+     SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE
+
+     I, who was late so volatile and gay,
+     Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,
+     Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
+     To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse!
+     So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes
+     Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
+     Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
+     Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
+     Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her--
+     London will prove the very source of honour.
+     Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
+     When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
+     Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
+     That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
+     And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
+     Born with a genius for the highest life,
+     Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
+     Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
+     Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!
+     Leave London--just as I began to taste it!
+       Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
+     The melancholy ticking of a clock;
+     In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
+     With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
+     With humble curate can I now retire,
+     (While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
+     And at backgammon mortify my soul,
+     That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
+     Seven's the main!  Dear sound that must expire,
+     Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
+     The transient hour of fashion too soon spent,
+     Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!
+     Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete,
+     That takes the cushion from its proper seat!
+     That spirit-stirring drum!--card drums I mean,
+     Spadille--odd trick--pam--basto--king and queen!
+     And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat,
+     The welcome visitors' approach denote;
+     Farewell all quality of high renown,
+     Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town!
+     Farewell! your revels I partake no more,
+     And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!
+     All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear,
+     I ought to play deep tragedy next year.
+     Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play,
+     And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:--
+     "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd,
+     And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd!
+     No more in vice or error to engage,
+     Or play the fool at large on life's great stage."
+
+
+END OF PLAY
+
+
+
+
+<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser
+Rae's text.
+
+<2> From Sheridan's manuscript.
+
+<3> The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia
+Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:
+
+   SIR PETER.  O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded
+   on some ridiculous misrepresentation--Mrs. Candour you remember
+   how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one
+   Summer at Tunbridge.
+
+   MRS. C.  To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.
+
+   CRABTREE.  Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.
+
+   SIR P.  Why madam--[The story follows.]
+
+   MRS. C.  Ha ha strange indeed--
+
+   SIR P.  Matter of Fact I assure you....
+
+   LADY T.  As sure as can be--Sir Peter will grow scandalous
+   himself--if you encourage him to tell stories.
+   [Fraser Rae's footnote--Ed.]
+
+<4> The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript
+of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]
+
+<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing.
+[Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The School For Scandal, by
+Richard Brinsley Sheridan
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