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diff --git a/old/1drll10h.htm b/old/1drll10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5507aa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1drll10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6967 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Droll Stories [V. 1], by Honore de Balzac</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Droll Stories [V. 1], by +Honore de Balzac</h1> + +<pre> +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Droll Stories [V. 1] + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: October, 1999 [EBook #1925] +[Most recently updated: February 17, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, DROLL STORIES [V. 1] *** + + + + +</pre> + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, hodgson_ian@msn.com and Dagny, +dagnyj@hotmail.com + +<p>DROLL STORIES</p> + +<p>COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE</p> + +<p>Volume I: THE FIRST TEN TALES</p> + +<p>by HONORE DE BALZAC</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p><i><b>CONTENTS</b></i></p> + +<p>TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE</p> + +<p>THE FIRST TEN TALES</p> + +<p>PROLOGUE</p> + +<p>THE FAIR IMPERIA</p> + +<p>THE VENIAL SIN</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE</p> + +<p>HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY</p> + +<p>THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN</p> + +<p>HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED</p> + +<p>HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT +MOURNING</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>THE KING'S SWEETHEART THE</p> + +<p>DEVIL'S HEIR</p> + +<p>THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH</p> + +<p>THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE</p> + +<p>THE MAID OF THILOUSE</p> + +<p>THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS</p> + +<p>THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU</p> + +<p>THE REPROACH</p> + +<p>EPILOGUE</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h3 align="center">TRANSLATORS PREFACE</h3> + +<p>When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous +Contes Drolatiques was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in +a short preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to +those attacks which he anticipated certain critics would make +upon his hardy experiment. He claimed for his book the protection +of all those to whom literature was dear, because it was a work +of art--and a work of art, in the highest sense of the word, it +undoubtedly is. Like Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, +Ariosto, and Verville, the great author of The Human Comedy has +painted an epoch. In the fresh and wonderful language of the +Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a marvellous picture of +French life and manners in the sixteenth century. The gallant +knights and merry dames of that eventful period of French history +stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The background in these +life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon the spot." After +reading the Contes Drolatiques, one could almost find one's way +about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map or +guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical +information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that +distinction rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the +nineteenth century in imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it +is a triumph of literary archaeology. It is a model of that which +it professes to imitate; the production of a writer who, to +accomplish it, must have been at once historian, linguist, +philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and each in no +ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded as a +classic--as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, +when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies +laughed openly at stories and jokes which are considered +disgraceful by their more fastidious descendants. In England the +difficulties of the language employed, and the quaintness and +peculiarity of its style, have placed it beyond the reach of all +but those thoroughly acquainted with the French of the sixteenth +century. Taking into consideration the vast amount of historical +information enshrined in its pages, the archaeological value +which it must always possess for the student, and the dramatic +interest of its stories, the translator has thought that an +English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to +many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its +vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the +quips and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of +Anglicising. These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer +ventures to hope that he has treated this great masterpiece in a +reverent spirit, touched it with no sacrilegious hand, but, on +the contrary, given as close a translation as the dissimilarities +of the two languages permit. With this idea, no attempt had been +made to polish or round many of the awkwardly constructed +sentences which are characteristic of this volume. Rough, and +occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping with the +spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern +romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he +has had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the +French edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the +indulgence of the critical reader for any shortcomings he may +discover. The best plea that can be offered for such indulgence +is the fact that, although Les Contes Drolatiques was completed +and published in 1837, the present is the first English version +ever brought before the public.</p> + +<p>London, January, 1874</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">FIRST TEN TALES</h2> + +<h3 align="center">PROLOGUE</h3> + +<p>This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty +merriment, spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very +precious tosspots and drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, +Francois Rabelais, the eternal honour of Touraine, addressed +himself. Be it nevertheless understood, the author has no other +desire than to be a good Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the +merry doings of the famous people of this sweet and productive +land, more fertile in cuckolds, dandies and witty wags than any +other, and which has furnished a good share of men of renown in +France, as witness the departed Courier of piquant memory; +Verville, author of Moyen de Parvenir, and others equally well +known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur Descartes, +because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself more to +brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all the +cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they +despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he +live?" if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production +of the joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many +vestiges scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, +in the village of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, +Veretz, Roche-Cobon, and the certain storehouses of good stories, +which storehouses are the upper stories of old canons and wise +dames, who remember the good old days when they could enjoy a +hearty laugh without looking to see if their hilarity disturbed +the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women of the present day, +who wish to take their pleasure gravely--a custom which suits our +Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a queen. +Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has +sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to +them by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to +publish a drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness +falls like a fine rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and +dissolving those ancient customs which make the people to reap +public amusement from the Republic. But of those old +pantagruelists who allowed God and the king to conduct their own +affairs without putting of their finger in the pie oftener than +they could help, being content to look on and laugh, there are +very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner that +I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient +breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and +blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear +great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities.</p> + +<p>Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, +harpies who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, +that as children only do we laugh, and as we travel onward +laughter sinks down and dies out, like the light of the oil-lit +lamp. This signifies, that to laugh you must be innocent, and +pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you purse your lips, +drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner of men +hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would +take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could +omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts +leaves upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more +than is this book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have +taken care, much to my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the +old words, which, in spite of their age, were still strong, and +which would have shocked the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened +the cheeks and sullied the lips of trousered maidens, and Madame +Virtue with three lovers; for certain things must be done to suit +the vices of the age, and a periphrase is much more agreeable +than the word. Indeed, we are old, and find long trifles, better +than the short follies of our youth, because at that time our +taste was better. Then spare me your slanders, and read this +rather at night than in the daytime and give it not to young +maidens, if there be any, because this book is inflammable. I +will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from this book, +since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from which +all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved +by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of +the Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have +been taken therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself.</p> + +<p>'Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of +body and rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown +me after having read me.' These words are those of our good +Master Rabelais, before whom we must also stand, hat in hand, in +token of reverence and honour to him, prince of all wisdom, and +king of Comedy.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE FAIR IMPERIA</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going +to the Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of +Touraine whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he +passed for a son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of +Tours had willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to +that town, because it was usual for archbishops to make each +other presents, they well knowing how sharp are the itchings of +theological palms. Thus this young priest came to the Council and +was lodged in the establishment of his prelate, a man of good +morals and great science.</p> + +<p>Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well +and worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this +mysterious Council many men leading a dissolute life and yet not +making less, nay-- gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and +benefices than all the other virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now +during one night--dangerous to his virtue--the devil whispered +into his ear that he should live more luxuriously, since every +one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother Church and yet they +were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond doubt the +existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not disappoint +the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his bellyful of +roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do so +without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite +continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old +archbishop who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and +passed for a saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires +followed by fits of melancholy, since there were so many sweet +courtesans, well developed, but cold to the poor people, who +inhabited Constance, to enlighten the understanding of the +Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did not know how to +make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed cardinals, abbots, +councillors, legates, bishops, princes and margraves just as if +they have been penniless clerks. And in the evening, after +prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching himself the +breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible +questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the +aforesaid princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted +by her proud and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like +a dog in the act of catching flies, at the sight of sweet +countenance that so much inflamed him. The secretary of a +Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, having clearly explained to +him that the Fathers, procureurs, and auditors of the Rota bought +by certain presents, not relics or indulgences, but jewels and +gold, the favour of being familiar with the best of these +pampered cats who lived under the protection of the lords of the +Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent as he +was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the +good archbishop for writings and copying--hoping one day to have +enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God +for the rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man +about as much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young +lady, but prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings +through the streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at +the risk of having his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped +at the cardinals entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then +he saw the wax-candles lighted in the houses and suddenly the +doors and the windows closed. Then he heard the blessed abbots or +others jumping about, drinking, enjoying themselves, love-making, +singing Alleluia and applauding the music with which they were +being regaled. The kitchen performed miracles, the Offices said +were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet little hams, the +Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate sweetmeats, +and after their little carouses, these brave priests were silent, +their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped restively +in the streets; everything went well--but faith and religion was +there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. +And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. +Then why was he a huguenot before the others?</p> + +<p>To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not +unfrequently did he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the +devil sustained him, inciting him to believe that sooner or later +it would come to his turn to play the cardinal to some lovely +dame. This ardent desire gave him the boldness of a stag in +autumn, so much so that one evening he quietly tripped up the +steps and into one of the first houses in Constance where often +he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and pages waiting with +torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals and +archbishops.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this +one."</p> + +<p>A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to +belong to the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, +and that he was going to deliver a message on behalf of the +above-mentioned nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as +lightly as a greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable +odour of perfume to certain chamber where, surrounded by her +handmaidens, the lady of the house was divesting herself of her +attire. He stood quite dumbfounded like a thief surprised by +sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or head-dress. The +chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her stockings and +undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her stripped, that +the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had the +flavour of love about it.</p> + +<p>"What want you, little one?" said the lady to him.</p> + +<p>"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon +her.</p> + +<p>"You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid +of him.</p> + +<p>To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail."</p> + +<p>Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, +stood quite at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that +glowed and sparkled with the flame of love. What lovely thick +hair hung upon her ivory white back, showing sweet white places, +fair and shining between the many tresses! She had upon her +snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less fertile in rays of fire than +her black eyes, still moist with tears from her hearty laugh. She +even threw her slipper at a statue gilded like a shrine, twisting +herself about from very ribaldry and allowed her bare foot, +smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening she was in a +good humour, otherwise she would have had the little shaven-crop +put out by the window without more ado than her first bishop.</p> + +<p>"He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids.</p> + +<p>"Where does he comes from?" asked another.</p> + +<p>"Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for +him. Show him his way home."</p> + +<p>The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at +the sight of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to +repose. This glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the +lady's fantasy, who, half laughing and half smitten, repeated +"To-morrow," and dismissed him with a gesture which the Pope +Jehan himself would have obeyed, especially as he was like a +snail without a shell, since the Council had just deprived him of +the holy keys.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an +amorous desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles +commenced again thick as hail.</p> + +<p>Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a +hooded rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of +this creature, even more enticing than a siren rising from the +water. He noticed the animals carved over the door and returned +to the house of the archbishop with his head full of diabolical +longings and his entrails sophisticated.</p> + +<p>Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, +but could make no more than four of them; and as that was all his +treasure, he counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her +all he had in the world.</p> + +<p>"What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the +groans and "oh! oh's!" of his clerk.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how +it is that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon +my heart."</p> + +<p>"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary +which he was reading for others--the good man.</p> + +<p>"Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, +my protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the +least, and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to +enable me to convert her."</p> + +<p>The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had +above his nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest +trembled in his skin to have confessed so much to his superior. +But the holy man directly said to him, "She must be very dear +then--"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many +a cross."</p> + +<p>"Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present +thee with thirty angels from the poor-box."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, +emboldened by the treat he promised himself.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to +the devil and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the +master, with sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint +of Innocents, to save his servant. He made him kneel down beside +him, telling him to recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but +the wretched priest implored the saint beneath his breath to +prevent him from failing if on the morrow that the lady should +receive him kindly and mercifully; and the good archbishop, +observing the fervour of his servant, cried out him, "Courage +little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee."</p> + +<p>On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council +against the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, +Philippe de Mala spent his angels--acquired with so much +labour--in perfumes, baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He +played the fop so well, one would have thought him the fancy +cavalier of a gay lady. He wandered about the town in order to +find the residence of his heart's queen; and when he asked the +passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid house, they laughed in +his face, saying--</p> + +<p>"Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La +Belle Imperia?"</p> + +<p>He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the +devil when he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he +had voluntarily fallen.</p> + +<p>Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the +world, although she passed for the most dazzling and the +beautiful, and the one who best understood the art of bamboozling +cardinals and softening the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of +the people. She had brave captains, archers, and nobles, ready to +serve her at every turn. She had only to breathe a word, and the +business of anyone who had offended her was settled. A free fight +only brought a smile to her lips, and often the Sire de +Baudricourt--one of the King's Captains-- would ask her if there +were any one he could kill for her that day--a little joke at the +expense of the abbots. With the exception of the potentates among +the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to accommodate +her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in virtue +of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the +most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived +beloved and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and +princesses, and was called Madame, concerning which the good +Emperor Sigismund replied to a lady who complained of it to him, +"That they, the good ladies, might keep to their own proper way +and holy virtues, and Madame Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of +the goddess Venus"--Christian words which shocked the good +ladies, to their credit be it said.</p> + +<p>Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the +preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did +not remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or +sup, strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although +he was well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less +difficult to overcome than was Madame Imperia.</p> + +<p>The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride +caparisoned with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" +which nearly choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of +the veritable Queen of the Council--for before her bowed humbly +all the authority, science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major +domo did not know him, and was going to bundle him out again, +when one of the chamber-women called him from the top of the +stairs--"Eh M. Imbert, it is Madame's young fellow," and poor +Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran up the stairs, +shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took him by the +hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly attired +like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror.</p> + +<p>The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a +shaggy cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites +for a dainty carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, +bottles of the hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, +pretty boxes full of spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little +salt hams--all that would gladden the eyes of the gallant if he +had not so madly loved Madame Imperia.</p> + +<p>She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for +her. Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the +churchmen, she was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of +the young priest who all day long had been in her head.</p> + +<p>The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner +fit to do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, +beatified by the holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, +burgraf, nay, even a cardinal about to be elected pope, would +willingly for that night have changed places with him, a little +priest who, beneath his gown, had only the devil and love.</p> + +<p>He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no +means ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling +with a piercing glance--</p> + +<p>"Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered +since yesterday."</p> + +<p>"Oh yes," said he.</p> + +<p>"And how?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, +we love each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer +than a king."</p> + +<p>"Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you +are indeed changed, for from a young priest I see well you have +turned into an old devil."</p> + +<p>And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which +helped to spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready +to begin eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into +each other's eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were +beginning to feel comfortable and at their ease, there came a +great noise at Madame's door, as if people were beating against +it, and crying out.</p> + +<p>"Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of +them."</p> + +<p>"Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, +savage at being interrupted.</p> + +<p>"The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you."</p> + +<p>"May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe +gently.</p> + +<p>"Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is +making a great noise."</p> + +<p>"Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no +lie, for I am ill of this little priest who is torturing my +brain."</p> + +<p>But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with +devotion the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared +the fat Bishop of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers +followed him, bearing a trout canonically dressed, fresh from the +Rhine, and shining in a golden platter, and spices contained in +little ornamental boxes, and a thousand dainties, such as +liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at his Abbey.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go +to the devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! +my little one."</p> + +<p>"Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," +replied she, knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being +soft and gentle had become mischievous enough to make one +tremble.</p> + +<p>"And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said +the bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards +Philippe.</p> + +<p>"Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at +this time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take +yourself off; go and herd with simple monks, and never come back +here again under pain of excommunication."</p> + +<p>"Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with +passion than she was with love, because now she was possessed +both with passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in +your own house." Then he knew that he was really loved by +her.</p> + +<p>"It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, +that you should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" +asked she of the bishop.</p> + +<p>"'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the +holy book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to +fall to.</p> + +<p>"Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your +goddess," replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will +have you delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I +swear it by the power of my tonsure which is as good as the +pope's." And wishing that the trout should be added to the feast +as well as the sweets and other dainties, she added, cunningly, +"Sit you down and drink with us." But the artful minx, being up +to a trick or two, gave the little one a wink which told him +plainly not to mind the German, whom she would soon find a means +to be rid of.</p> + +<p>The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked +him up, while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, +because he saw his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to +more devils than ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway +through the repast, which the young priest had not yet touched, +hungering only for Imperia, near whom he was already seated, but +speaking that sweet language which the ladies so well understand, +that has neither stops, commas, accents, letters, figures, +characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, sensual and +careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of skin for +which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to be +plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, +and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an +approaching cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of +horses, the "Ho, ho!" of the pages, showed plainly that some +great prince hot with love, was about to arrive. In fact, a +moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, against whom the +servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, entered the +room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her young +lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; +for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, +the more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, +three aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of +Christianity. The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long +bearded, a great sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, +guessed, by the feeblest exercise of the faculties of his +understanding, the alpha and omega of the adventure. He only had +to weigh in his mind one little thought before he knew how to +proceed in order to be able to hypothecate his manly vigour. He +arrived with the appetite of a hungry monk, and to obtain its +satisfaction he was just the man to stab two monks and sell his +bit of the true cross, which were wrong.</p> + +<p>"Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards +him. The poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the +devil was about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, +rose and said, "What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal.</p> + +<p>He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him +in the white of the eye and said without any +nonsense--"Ventredieu! You are a nice little fellow, and I should +not like to have to let your master know the weight of your +carcass. My revenge might cause me certain pious expenses in my +old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the remainder of your +days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow."</p> + +<p>The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come +back when your passion is over?"</p> + +<p>The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said +sternly, "Choose the gallows or a mitre."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an +escritoire, and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to +the envoy of France.</p> + +<p>"Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was +spelling out the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of +Coire so easily as you have got rid of me, for he has as many +abbeys as the soldiers have drinking shops in the town; besides, +he is in the favour of his lord. Now I fancy to show you my +gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you good piece of advice. +You know how fatal has been and how rapidly spread this terrible +pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell him that you +have just left the bedside of your old friend the Archbishop of +Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw before a +whirl-wind.</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an +abbey. Ah, Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden +crowns for thy journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won +yesterday at cards, and of which I make you a free gift."</p> + +<p>Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear +without giving her the amorous glances she expected, the +beautiful Imperia, puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the +cowardice of the priest. She was not then a sufficiently good +Catholic to pardon her lover deceiving her, by not knowing how to +die for her pleasure. Thus the death of Philippe was foreshadowed +in the viper's glance she cast at him to insult him, which glance +pleased the cardinal much, for the wily Italian saw he would soon +get his abbey back again. The Touranian, heeding not the brewing +storm avoided it by walking out silently with his ears down, like +a wet dog being kicked out of a Church. Madame drew a sigh from +her heart. She must have had her own ideas of humanity for the +little value she held in it. The fire which possessed her had +mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about her, and +there was good reason for it, for this was the first time that +she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, +believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning +fellow? Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate +myself on being in your company, and I am glad to have been able +to get rid of that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so +as if you had gone near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you +would have perished miserably through the deed of a simple +priest."</p> + +<p>"Ah! How?"</p> + +<p>"He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good +man was seized this morning with the pestilence."</p> + +<p>The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch +cheese.</p> + +<p>"How do you know that?" asked he.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I +have just administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment +the holy man has a fair wind to waft him to paradise."</p> + +<p>The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man +are; for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the +consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as +elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with +one bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who +finds feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, +he rushed down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When +the door had closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the +street, the Cardinal of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his +sides.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than +that, thy lover this evening?"</p> + +<p>But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in +his arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men +who embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because +they are lazy, and do not spare their essential properties.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you +ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy +yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will +be my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have +the plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you +brainless priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about +to advance, "or I will stab you with this dagger."</p> + +<p>And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, +which she knew how to use with great skill when necessary.</p> + +<p>"But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, +laughing, "don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get +rid of that old bullock of Coire?"</p> + +<p>"Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire +that you leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease +my death will not worry you. I know you well enough to know at +what price you will put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. +You would drown the earth. Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when +drunk. I love only myself, my treasures, and my health. Go, and +if tomorrow your veins are not frozen by the disease, you can +come again. Today, I hate you, good cardinal," said she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed +Imperia, do not play with me thus."</p> + +<p>"No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred +things."</p> + +<p>"Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow."</p> + +<p>"And now you are out of your cardinal sense."</p> + +<p>"Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty--my +love--!"</p> + +<p>"Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!"</p> + +<p>"Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou +have my fortune--or better still, a bit of the veritable true +Cross?--Wilt thou?"</p> + +<p>"This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth +beneath would not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be +the blackest of sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed +Sacrament if I had not my little caprices."</p> + +<p>"I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. +You shall perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,--my gentle +Dove--I promise you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to +you then--death to the sorceress."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur."</p> + +<p>And the cardinal foamed with rage.</p> + +<p>"You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, +you'll tire yourself."</p> + +<p>"I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!"</p> + +<p>"Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?"</p> + +<p>"What can I do this evening to please you?"</p> + +<p>"Get out."</p> + +<p>And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and +locked herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was +obliged to go. When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated +before the fire, and without her little priest, she exclaimed, +snapping angrily the gold links of her chain, "By the double +triple horn on the devil, if the little one has made me have this +row with the Cardinal, and exposed me to the danger of being +poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my heart's content, I +will not die till I have seen him burned alive before my eyes. +Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead a most +unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life of +a dog, let alone my salvation."</p> + +<p>As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is +being slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young +priest, who had hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her +large Venetian mirror.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever +dwelt in this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come +my gentle cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of +delectation, let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my +love. Oh! my ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from +a little monk I would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier +than either. There, thou canst put anything to fire and sword, I +am thine, and thou shalt see it well; for thou shalt be all a +cardinal, even when to redden thy hood I shed all my heart's +blood." And with her trembling hands all joyously she filled with +Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the Bishop of Coire, and +presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served upon her knee, +she whose slipper princes found more to their taste than that of +the pope.</p> + +<p>But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with +love, that she said to him, trembling with joy " Ah! be quiet, +little one. Let us have supper."</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE VENIAL SIN</h2> + +<h3 align="center">HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE.</h3> + +<p> </p> + +<p>Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of +Roche-Corbon-les- Vouvray, on the banks of the Loire, was a +boisterous fellow in his youth. When quite little, he squeezed +young ladies, turned the house out of windows, and played the +devil with everything, when he was called upon to put his Sire +the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet under the turf. Then he +was his own master, free to lead a life of wild dissipation, and +indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of enjoyment. Now by +making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, draining his land, +and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail beauties, he +found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had for his +friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But the +usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no +other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, +since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then +Bruyn found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and +there, to break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone +about trifles. Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his +neighbour, and a man liberal with his advice, told him that it +was an evident sign of lordly perfection, that he was walking in +the right road, but if he would go and slaughter, to the great +glory of God, the Mahommedans who defiled the Holy Land, it would +be better still, and that he would undoubtedly return full of +wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or into Paradise, whence +all barons formerly came.</p> + +<p>The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left +the country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, +to the great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put +to the sack enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon +the infidels without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, +the Greeks, the English, and others, caring little whether they +were friends or enemies, or where they came from, since among his +merits he had that of being in no way curious, and he never +questioned them until after he had killed them. At this business, +agreeable to God, to the King and to himself, Bruyn gained renown +as a good Christian and loyal knight, and enjoyed himself +thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, since he more +willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, although he +met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a good +Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was +satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy +Land, Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of +Vouvrillons, returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and +precious stones; rather differently from some who, rich when they +set out, came back heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On +his return from Tunis, our Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, +and appointed him his seneschal in our country and that of +Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and properly thought well +of, since over and above his good qualities he founded the Church +of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of Egrignolles, as the +peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his youth. Thus was +he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the Church and of +God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a good, wise +man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely was +in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he +would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one +in his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being +seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at +that time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would +render even an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to +his heels. And besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at +the corners, and shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, +situated upon a bank from which it was reflected in the Loire. In +the rooms were royal tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, +vanities, and inventions which were much admired by people of +Tours, and even by the archbishop and clerks of St. Martin, to +whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed with fine gold. In +the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair domains, +wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all +kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of +the province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord +the king a thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his +bailiff, a diligent man at hanging, brought before him a poor +peasant suspected of some offence, he would say, smiling--</p> + +<p>"Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I +inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, +however, he would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or +swing on his gallows, but this was solely that justice might be +done, and that the custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus +the people on his lands were good and orderly, like fresh veiled +nuns, and peaceful since he protected them from the robbers and +vagabonds whom he never spared, knowing by experience how much +mischief is caused by these cursed beasts of prey. For the rest, +most devout, finishing everything quickly, his prayers as well as +good wine, he managed the processes after the Turkish fashion, +having a thousand little jokes ready for the losers, and dining +with them to console them. He had all the people who had been +hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly ones, some people +thinking they had been sufficiently punished by having their +breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, and +when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather +their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best +of tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the +profit and use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or +himself.</p> + +<p>This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of +every one, great and small. If he came back smiling from his +judicial throne, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like +himself, would say, "Ho, ha! messire, there is some hanging on +since you laugh thus!" And when coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours +he passed on horseback along the Fauborg St. Symphorien, the +little girls would say, "Ah! this is the justice day, there is +the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid they would look at +him astride on a big white hack, that he had brought back with +him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys would stop +playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. +Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my +children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal."</p> + +<p>Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers +that during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there +were only twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting +a Jew burned in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a +consecrated wafer, or bought it, some said, for he was very +rich.</p> + +<p>One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing +time, as we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and +other wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church +of St. Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the +Virgin, left by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an +abandoned pretty little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark +naked, an acrobat, and of Moorish descent like themselves. For +this almost nameless crime it was equally decided by the king, +people, and the churchmen that the Mooress, to pay for all, +should be burned and cooked alive in the square near the fountain +where the herb market is. Then the good man Bruyn clearly and +dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would be a thing +most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this African +soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in this +feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said +the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most +canonical and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. +The ladies of the town and other persons of authority said loudly +that they were cheated of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was +crying her eyes out in the jail and would certainly be converted +to God in order to live as long as a crow, if she were allowed to +do so, to which the seneschal replied that if the foreigner would +wholly commit herself to the Christian religion there would be a +gallant ceremony of another kind, and that he would undertake +that it should be royally magnificent, because he would be her +sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a virgin should be his +partner in the affair in order the better to please the Almighty, +while himself was reputed never to have lost the bloom or +innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of Touraine +thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so esteemed to +distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but the +girls always pick them without the name, because they are more +light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage.</p> + +<p>The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots +and the baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and +live than be Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's +baking, her heart would burn unquenched through all her life, +since for the greater surety of her religion she was placed in +the convent of nuns near Chardonneret, where she took the vow of +sanctity. The said ceremony was concluded at the residence of the +archbishop, where on this occasion, in honour of the Saviour or +men, the lords and ladies of Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, +for in this country the people dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more +feasts and make merrier than any in the whole world. The good old +seneschal had taken for his associate the daughter of the lord of +Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became Azay-le-Brusle, the which +lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, a far distant town, +in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal ransom for him +because the said lord was of high position.</p> + +<p>The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the +Lombards and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, +without a penny in the the world, awaiting her lord in a poor +lodging in the town, without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as +the Queen of Sheba and brave as a mastiff who defends the +property of his master. Seeing this great distress the seneschal +went delicately to request this lady's daughter to be the +godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he might have the +right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he kept a +heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the commencement +of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to clasp +about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the +same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his +horses; in short, he placed there everything he possessed, +directly he had seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the +ladies of Tours. Although the Moorish girl, making the most of +her last day, had astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, +steps, springs, and elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had +the advantage of her, as everyone agreed, so virginally and +delicately did she dance.</p> + +<p>Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to +fear the boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her +seventeen years-- like a grasshopper trying her first note--was +seized with an old man's desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous +from weakness, which heated him from the sole of foot to the nape +of his neck--for his head had too much snow on the top of it to +let love lodge there. Then the good man perceived that he needed +a wife in his manor, and it appeared more lonely to him than it +was. And what then was a castle without a chatelaine? As well +have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife was the only +thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one promptly, +seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just time +to pass out of this world into the other. But during the +baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, +and still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he +found his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young +companion, who, following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, +regaled him well with glance and gesture, believing there could +be no danger near so old a fellow, in such wise that +Blanche--naive and nice as she was in contradistinction to the +girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a spring +morning--permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and +afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the +archbishop who married them the week after; and that was a +beautiful bridal, and a still more beautiful bride.</p> + +<p>The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, +and still better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a +maiden all ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a +maiden who wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a +maiden who believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her +mother had thus reared her in innocence, without even allowing +her to consider, trifle as it was, how she sucked in her soup +between her teeth. Thus she was a sweet flower, and intact, +joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed but the wings to fly +away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging of her weeping +mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of St. Gatien +and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their eyes +upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along +the the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier +feet pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to +heaven, or a more splendid festival adorned the streets with +carpets and with flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of +the boroughs of Chateau- Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses +with which doubtless Blanche had fished for a count, but much +more did they desire the gold embroidered dress, the foreign +stones, the white diamonds, and the chains with which the little +darling played, and which bound her for ever to the said +seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, that his +happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his +movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he +held himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken +him for a soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed +his hand on his diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and +troubles him. Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the +procession, the pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, +which was talked of long after the episcopal rejoicings, the +women desired a harvest of Moorish girls, a deluge of old +seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian baptisms. But this was +the only one that ever happened in Touraine, seeing that the +country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady of Azay +received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which enabled +her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, +accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of Roche- +Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out +on the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in +the hands of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and +later on she returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and +she cured him, tending him herself, running the risk of being +contaminated, the which was greatly admired.</p> + +<p>The marriage ceremony finished and at an end--for it lasted +three days, to the great contentment of the people--Messire Bruyn +with great pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according +to the custom of husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his +couch, which was blessed by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came +and placed himself beside her in the great feudal chamber of +Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with green blockade and ribbon +of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all over, found himself +side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her first upon the +forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, on the +same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of +the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great +confidence in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish +more; so then he abstained from love in spite of the merry +nuptial songs, the epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in +the rooms beneath where the dancing was still kept up. He +refreshed himself with a drink of the marriage beverage, which +according to custom, had been blessed and placed near them in a +golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well enough, but not +the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all astonished +at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in mind, +and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes of +young girls--namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and +mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give +orders; so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold +tassels on the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine +in which her innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little +later in the day, his culpability, and relying on the future, +which, however, would spoil a little every day that with which he +pretended to regale his wife, the seneschal tried to substitute +the word for the deed. So he entertained his wife in various +ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his granaries and +chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains without +any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the loaf," +which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a young +charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow +in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, +and beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, +where henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to +sleep every night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning +lord, who had not been used to maidens, but knew from experience +the little tricks that women will practice, seeing that he had +much associated with ladies of the town, feared those handy +tricks, little kisses, and minor amusements of love which +formerly he did not object to, but which at the present time +would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then he drew +back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and +said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a +seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well."</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" said she.</p> + +<p>"How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?"</p> + +<p>"No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child."</p> + +<p>"Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the +old fellow.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"Well, they are yours."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much +there catching butterflies."</p> + +<p>"That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me +there. But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La +Ponneuse has taken such pains to prepare for us."</p> + +<p>"And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body."</p> + +<p>"Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with +vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as +possible; and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that +Blanche was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is +necessary for this business, and women must be in a state of +harvest."</p> + +<p>"And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh.</p> + +<p>"What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she.</p> + +<p>"Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very +dangerous."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my +mother cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha +de Breuilly, who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it +was the easiest thing in the world."</p> + +<p>"That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did +you see at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of +in Touraine?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, she is very gentle and nice."</p> + +<p>"Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the +fancy takes you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me +so."</p> + +<p>"Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, +the treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the +Sire de Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and +bears my banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and +beasts--all are yours, and will instantly obey your orders under +pain of being incommoded with a hempen collar."</p> + +<p>"But," replied she, "this mysterious operation--cannot it be +performed immediately?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above +all things that both the one and the other of us should be in a +state of grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, +full of sin; which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This +is the reason that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in +the world. Their parents have not wisely waited to have their +souls pure, and have given wicked souls to their children. The +beautiful and the virtuous come of immaculate fathers; that is +why we cause our beds to be blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers +has done this one. Have you not transgressed the ordinances of +the Church?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution +for all my faults and have remained since without committing the +slightest sin."</p> + +<p>"You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am +delighted to have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an +infidel."</p> + +<p>"Oh! and why?"</p> + +<p>"Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you +to myself to bring you here and kiss you."</p> + +<p>Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with +kisses, whispering to her little endearments and superficial +words of affection which made her quite pleased and +contented.</p> + +<p>Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she +settled down to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal--</p> + +<p>"I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she +left the old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of +her delicate nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be +able to keep her in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew +their food twice over. Although he did not augur to himself any +good therefrom, it inflamed him so much to see the exquisite +perfections of Blanche during her innocent and gentle sleep, that +he resolved to preserve and defend this pretty jewel of love. +With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet golden tresses, the +beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he did it softly +for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the dumb +delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least +affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old +age, the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused +himself by giving him nuts when his teeth were gone.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S +MODESTY.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted +many fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he +abused. Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses +for leaving her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the +peasants of the neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines +on his lands at Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a +thousand absurd tales.</p> + +<p>At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common +people, that the children were only planted at certain celestial +conjunctions ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that +one should abstain from begetting children on feast days, because +it was a great undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man +who wished to enter into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he +would pretend that if by chance the parents were not in a state +of grace, the children commenced on the date of St. Claire would +be blind, of St. Gatien had the gout, of St. Agnes were +scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; sometimes that those +begotten in February were chilly; in March, too turbulent; in +April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys were +conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to +have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that +all the required conditions should be observed. At other times he +would say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a +child upon his wife according to his sole and unique will, and +that if she pretended to be a virtuous woman she should conform +to the wishes of her husband; in fact it was necessary to await +the return of the Lady of Azay in order that she should assist at +the confinement; from all of which Blanche concluded that the +seneschal was annoyed by her requests, and was perhaps right, +since he was old and full of experience; so she submitted herself +and thought no more, except to herself, of this so much-desired +child, that is to say, she was always thinking of it, like a +woman who has a desire in her head, without suspecting that she +was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker running after her +enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of children, a +discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was +complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great +misdeeds, saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden +with mortal sins.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you +have not got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be +pleased with him."</p> + +<p>Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, +and that it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make +himself master of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease +and extinguish it.</p> + +<p>"What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not +yet know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being +mistress of the house."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my +loins a little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, +and thoroughly."</p> + +<p>Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the +fawns and stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare +over valleys and mountain, through the woods and the fields, +taking great delight in watching the falcons fly, in unhooding +them and while hunting always carried them gracefully upon her +little wrist, which was what the seneschal had desired. But in +this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite of nun and prelate, that +is to say, wished to procreate, had her desires whetted, and +could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her return she gave +play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the legends written +by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of birds and +wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, while +colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble +imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and +strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked +unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious +virtue of his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud +turned out badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the +veins of Blanche emerged from these assaults more hardy than +before, inviting jousts and tourneys as the herald the armed +knight.</p> + +<p>The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he +was now upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what +course to adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. +From this combat, there must result one conquered and one +contused--a diabolical contusion which he wished to keep distant +from his physiognomy by God's help until after his death. The +poor seneschal had already great trouble to follow his lady to +the chase, without being dismounted; he sweated under the weight +of his trappings, and almost expired in that pursuit wherein his +frisky wife cheered her life and took great pleasure. Many times +in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good man, swathed in +his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with these +exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in +giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish +girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a +fancy to do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, +accretions, and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to +her some gentle words and gallantries after all the evolutions, +mummeries, and comic pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert +herself; for he loved her so madly that if she had asked him for +an impossibility he would have sought one for her +immediately.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his +frame was in a state of too great debility to struggle with the +vigorous nature of his wife, and humiliating himself before his +wife's virtue he resolved to let things take their course, +relying a little upon the modesty, religion, and bashfulness of +Blanche, but he always slept with one eye open, for he suspected +that God had perhaps made virginities to be taken like +partridges, to be spitted and roasted. One wet morning, when the +weather was that in which the snails make their tracks, a +melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was in the +house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing +produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and +no receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, +transpiercing or doubly transpiercing and titillating than the +subtle warmth which simmers between the nap of the chair and a +maiden sitting during certain weather.</p> + +<p>Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her +innocence, which gave more trouble than it was worth to her +brain, and gnawed her all over. Then the good man, seriously +grieved to see her languishing, wished to drive away the thoughts +which were ultra-conjugal principles of love.</p> + +<p>"Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he.</p> + +<p>"From shame."</p> + +<p>"What then affronts you?"</p> + +<p>"The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and +you without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . +. . All my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as +you to give it to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply +furnished with children, and their wives give them lapfuls, you +alone have none, they laugh at you there. What will become of +your name and your fiefs and your seigniories? A child is our +natural company; it is a delight to us to make a fright of it, to +fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress it, to cuddle it, +to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to put it to +bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the half of +one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I would +make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do."</p> + +<p>"Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for +this you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you +would already be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy +with the flow of words. "But will you buy one ready-made?--that +will cost you neither pain nor labour."</p> + +<p>"But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it +will not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my +body, because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the +Virgin's womb."</p> + +<p>"Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the +seneschal, "and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a +lady has conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do +one."</p> + +<p>Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de +l'Egrignolles, decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, +having on her a robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold +lace, open at the breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes +and a high hat ornamented with precious stones, and a gold +waistband that showed off her little waist, as slim as a pole. +She wished to give her dress to Madame the Virgin, and in fact +promised it to her, for the day of her churching. The Sire de +Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright as that of a hawk, +keeping the people back and guarding with his knights the +security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, +rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, +waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a +cow, and seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of +so old a fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk +of a tree and drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a +toothless old hag, who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this +princess was going to bury her dead.</p> + +<p>"Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, +wife of the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a +child."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just +satisfied; then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the +head of the procession--"he who marches at the head would manage +that; she would save the wax-candles and the vow."</p> + +<p>"Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised +that she should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that +there are no handsome priests there. She might very well stop for +a short time beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she +would soon be fertile, those good fathers are so lively."</p> + +<p>"By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de +Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's +heart, the more so as he is well formed to do so."</p> + +<p>And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go +to them and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment +for their bad words, but Blanche cried out quickly--</p> + +<p>"Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they +mean; and we shall see them on our return."</p> + +<p>She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, +as though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, +but the clearing out of her intelligence had already been +commenced by the sayings of the peasants which were fructifying +in her understanding-- her innocence was like touchwood, there +was only need for a word to inflame it.</p> + +<p>Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical +differences between the qualities of her old husband and +perfections of the said Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over +affected with his twenty-three years, but held himself upright as +a ninepin in the saddle, and as wide-awake as the matin chimes, +while in contrast to him, slept the seneschal; he had courage and +dexterity there where his master failed. He was one of those +smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at night than a +leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the fleas; +there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be blamed, +because every one should sleep as he likes.</p> + +<p>So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially +well, that by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she +loved Gauttier secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting +that it is love. From that she became a proper woman, that is to +say, she desired the good of others, the best that men have, she +fell into a fit of love- sickness, going at the first jump to the +depth of her misery, seeing that all is flame between the first +coveting and the last desire, and she knew not how she then +learned that by the eyes can flow in a subtle essence, causing +such powerful corrosions in all the veins of the body, recesses +of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the hair, +perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of +the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac +and other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, +tickled, envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she +had a basketful of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's +desire, a well- conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to +such a degree that she no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly +the young Gauttier, whose nature was as ample as the glorious +chin of an abbot. When the good man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of +the crowd woke him up, and he came with great pomp with his suite +to the Church of Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, formerly called la +greigneur, as if you said that which has the most merit. Blanche +went into the chapel where children are asked to God and of the +Virgin, and went there alone, as was the custom, always however +in the presence of the seneschal, of his varlets and the +loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the countess saw +the priest come who had charge of the masses said for children, +and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were many +barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not +complain, and that the children were good revenue to the +Church.</p> + +<p>"And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such +old husbands as my lord?"</p> + +<p>"Rarely," said he.</p> + +<p>"But have those obtained offspring?"</p> + +<p>"Always," replied the priest smiling.</p> + +<p>"And the others whose companions are not so old?"</p> + +<p>"Sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one +like the seneschal?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure," said the priest.</p> + +<p>"Why?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone +interferes with the affair, after, it is the men."</p> + +<p>At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone +to the clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable +one, seeing that her decorations were worth quite two thousand +gold crowns.</p> + +<p>"You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on +the home journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my +having a child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I +shall take Gauttier."</p> + +<p>The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought +that was a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved +cunningly to arrange his vengeance with the help of the +archbishop; and before the housetops of Roche-Corbon came in +sight he had ordered the Sire de Montsoreau to seek a little +retirement in his own country, which the young Gauttier did, +knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in the place of +the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose fief +was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, +approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the +time when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the +command of his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked +about a great deal in Palestine and other places. Thus the good +man believed he would avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, +and would still be able to girth, bridle, and curb the factious +innocence of his wife, which struggled like a mule held by a +rope.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of +Roche-Corbon, Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and +when she was in the forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who +appeared to be pushing a girl about more than was necessary, and +spurred on her horse, saying to her people, "Ho there! Don't let +him kill her." But when the seneschal's lady arrived close to +them, she turned her horse's head quickly and the sight she +beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back pensive, and +then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received a +bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church +and other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the +domestic arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet +mystery of love written in all languages, even in that of the +Carps'. Is it not silly thus to seal this science from maidens? +Soon Blanche went to bed, and soon said she to the +seneschal--</p> + +<p>"Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk +of the Carneaux behaved to the girl."</p> + +<p>Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil +hour was at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his +eyes for the same ardour to be lower down, and answered her +softly--</p> + +<p>"Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love +than strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and +virtue. The great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability +in my heart only. This sorrow hastens my death little by little, +so that you will soon be free. Wait for my departure from this +world. That is the sole request that he makes of you, he who is +your master, and who could command you, but who wishes only to be +your prime minister and slave. Do not betray the honour of my +white hairs! Under these circumstances there have been lords who +have slain their wives.</p> + +<p>"Alas! you will not kill me?" said she.</p> + +<p>"No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; +why, thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou +art my well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine +eyes, and from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a +joy, provided that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn +who has made thee a great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not +be a lovely widow? And thy happiness will soften the pangs of +death."</p> + +<p>And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which +trickled quite warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell +upon the hand of Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love +of her old spouse who would put himself under the ground to +please her, said laughingly--</p> + +<p>"There! there! don't cry, I will wait."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with +little endearments, saying with a voice quivering with +emotion--</p> + +<p>"If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy +sleep with caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted +her with his two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he +continued, "I dared not waken the cat that would have strangled +my happiness, since at this occupation of love I only embraced +with my heart."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes +are open; that has not the least effect upon me."</p> + +<p>At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger +which was on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with +passion--</p> + +<p>"My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a +little!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love +you much."</p> + +<p>Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this +old man and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of +Venus, Blanche, endowed with the natural artfulness of women, +made her old Bruyn come and go like a miller's mule.</p> + +<p>"My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that--go on Bruyn!" +Bruyn! Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more +worn-out by the clemency of his wife than he would have been by +her unkindness. She turned his brain wishing that everything +should be in scarlet, making him turn everything topsy-turvy at +the least movement of her eyebrow, and when she was sad the +seneschal distracted, would say to everything from his judicial +seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died like a fly at this +conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was of such an iron +nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One evening that +Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men and the +beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the eternal +father desperate--he who has such an infinite treasure of +patience since he endures us--she said to the seneschal while +getting into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that +bite and prick me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my +brain, incite me therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream +of the monk of the Carneaux."</p> + +<p>"My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and +temptations against which the monks and nuns know how to defend +themselves. If you will gain salvation, go and confess to the +worthy Abbot of Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you +well and will holily direct you in the good way."</p> + +<p>"Tomorrow I will go," said she.</p> + +<p>And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the +monastery of the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them +so pretty a lady; committed more than one sin through her in the +evening; and for the present led her with great ceremony to their +reverend abbot.</p> + +<p>Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the +high rock under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with +respect at the countenance of the holy man, although she was +accustomed not to think much of grey hairs.</p> + +<p>"God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so +near death, you so young?"</p> + +<p>"Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a +courtesy; "and if it will please you to guide so undutiful a +sheep, I shall be well content to have so wise a confessor."</p> + +<p>"My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had +arranged this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the +chills of a hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should +not dare to listen to your sins, but say on; if you enter +paradise, it will be through me."</p> + +<p>Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock +in hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she +came to the postscript of her confession.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am +daily exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?"</p> + +<p>"No," said the abbot.</p> + +<p>But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not +to draw from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old +women say by the way."</p> + +<p>"Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and +abstain from all thoughts of this kind."</p> + +<p>"But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that +it was not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor +pleasure."</p> + +<p>"There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count +upon the child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, +that it will always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before +men to bring forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom +one is not ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend +against the holy laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the +other world, are in the power of horrible monsters with sharp and +tearing claws, who thrust them into flaming furnaces in +remembrance of the fact that here below they have warmed their +hearts a little more than was lawful."</p> + +<p>Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to +herself for a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did +the Virgin Mary?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery."</p> + +<p>"And what is a mystery?"</p> + +<p>"A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to +believe without enquiring into it."</p> + +<p>"Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?"</p> + +<p>"This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it +was the Son of God."</p> + +<p>"Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should +die, or that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be +turned? Of this there is a great danger. Now in me something +moves and excites me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for +nothing, and to find a man I would leap the walls, dash over the +fields without shame and tear my things into tatters, only to see +that which so much excited the monk of the Carneaux; and during +these passions which work and prick my mind and body, there is +neither God, devil, nor husband. I spring, I run, I smash up the +wash-tubs, the pots, the farm implements, a fowl-house, the +household things, and everything, in a way that I cannot +describe. But I dare not confess to you all my misdeeds, because +speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing with which +God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites and +pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this +great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?"</p> + +<p>At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, +quite dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, +controversies and intelligence that this virginity secreted.</p> + +<p>"My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the +beasts and made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us +reason, which is a rudder to steer us against tempests and our +ambitious desires, and there is a means of easing the +imaginations of one's brain by fasting, excessive labours, and +other virtues; and instead of frisking and fretting like a child +let loose from school, you should pray to the virgin, sleep on a +hard board, attend to your household duties, and never be +idle."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither +the priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the +thing into my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my +mind wanders, I am in the lime-twigs of love."</p> + +<p>"If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be +in the position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, +one leg here and one leg there, through the great heat and +scantily attired, was approached by a young man full of mischief, +who dexterously seduced her, and as of this trick the saint was +thoroughly ignorant, and much surprised at being brought to bed, +thinking that her unusual size was a serious malady, she did +penance for it as a venial sin, as she had no pleasure in this +wicked business, according to the statement of the wicked man, +who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the saint +had in nowise stirred."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir +more than she did!"</p> + +<p>With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, +smiling and thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her +return from the great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her +castle the little Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an +old groom was turning and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending +with the movements of the animal, dismounting and mounting again +with vaults and leaps most gracefully, and with lissome thighs, +so pretty, so dextrous, so upright as to be indescribable, so +much so, that he would have made the Queen Lucrece long for him, +she who killed herself from having been contaminated against her +will.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would +go to sleep comfortably very near to him."</p> + +<p>Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming +servitor, during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently +the black hair, the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his +eyes, where was an abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of +life, which he was afraid to shoot out--child that he was.</p> + +<p>Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully +in her chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn +interrogated her as to her trouble.</p> + +<p>"I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the +battles of love very early, to be thus completely broken up."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon +their amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I +had overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman."</p> + +<p>Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page +Rene should be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and +practised little allurements on the good man, and wallowed +silently in her desire, like a cake which is being floured.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS +PROCURED.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way +quickly to awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered +the natural ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This +is how: at the warmest hour of the day the good man took his +siesta after the Saracen fashion, a habit in which he had never +failed, since his return from the Holy Land. During this time +Blanche was alone in the grounds, where the women work at their +minor occupations, such as broidering and stitching, and often +remained in the rooms looking after the washing, putting the +clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she appointed this +quiet hour to complete the education of the page, making him read +books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at the mid-day +hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which warms with +its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much so +that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and +continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then +gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her +good man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted +upon the chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself +dextrously therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her +head maliciously upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in +making her preparations she opened fond eyes, that smiled and +winked in advance of the little secret thrills, sneezes, squints, +and trances of the page who was about to lie at her feet, +separated from her by the jump of an old flea; and in fact she +advanced so much and so near the square of velvet where the poor +child should kneel, whose life and soul she trifled with, that +had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have been +constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to +admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely +leg, which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. +Thus it was certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the +snare, wherein the most vigorous knight would willingly have +succumbed. When she had turned, returned, placed and displaced +her body, and found the situation in which the page would be most +comfortable, she cried, gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well +was in the guard-room, did not fail to run in and quickly thrust +his brown head between the tapestries of the door.</p> + +<p>"What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with +great respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than +his fresh dimpled cheeks.</p> + +<p>"Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child +attracted her so strongly that she was quite overcome.</p> + +<p>And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of +Rene, no vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in +shape--and so near to her desire, she found him still more +sweetly formed--and was certain that the merry frolics of love +would radiate well from this youth, the warm sun, the silence, et +cetera.</p> + +<p>"Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, +pushing an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you +are well taught by your master."</p> + +<p>"Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, +smiling when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed +the silver and gold.</p> + +<p>"It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little +glance upon his so gracious mistress.</p> + +<p>"Read! read!"</p> + +<p>Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; +but you may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became +still fainter and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the +woodlands, and when the page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the +lady, who certainly heard distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. +Thereupon Rene suspected that his mistress slept. Then he +commenced to cover her with his regard, admiring her at his +leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem save the anthem +of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound into his +throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned one +against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would +have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a +thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. +In his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as +sheepish as a monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from +that he knew that Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, +and the wily jade would not have opened her eyes even at the +greatest dangers, and reckoned on something else falling as well +as the book of prayer.</p> + +<p>There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in +certain condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which +was delicately slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue +colour. She had angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was +too high in the seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow +proportions, delicately curved, as broad as two fingers, and as +long as a sparrow, tail included, small at the top--a true foot +of delight, a virginal foot that merited a kiss as a robber does +the gallows; a roguish foot; a foot wanton enough to damn an +archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly enticing foot, which +gave one a desire to make two new ones just like it to perpetuate +in this lower world the glorious works of God. The page was +tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To accomplish +this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went swiftly, +like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of delectation to +the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, listening to +her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, it did +not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss--whether on +the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking +foot. At length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great +love, he chose the foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who +dares not. Then immediately he took up his book, feeling his red +cheeks redder still, and exercised with his pleasure, he cried +like a blind man--"Janua coeli,: gate of Heaven." But Blanche did +not move, making sure that the page would go from foot to knee, +and thence to "Janua coeli,: gate of Heaven." She was greatly +disappointed when the litanies finished without any other +mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough happiness for one +day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from this hardy +kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box.</p> + +<p>When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself +that this page would be rather a long time at his task if he +amused himself with the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then +she determined on the morrow to raise her foot a little, and then +to bring to light those hidden beauties that are called perfect +in Touraine, because they take no hurt in the open air, and are +always fresh. You can imagine that the page, burned by his desire +and his imagination, heated by the day before, awaited +impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of gallantry, and +was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies commenced again, +and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time the said Rene +fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured so far +as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were +satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so +great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt +caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he +remained bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul +and the intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took +great care not to move, called out to him--"Ah, Rene, I am +asleep."</p> + +<p>Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page +frightened ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. +Thereupon, the seneschal's better half added this prayer to the +litany--"Holy Virgin, how difficult children are to make."</p> + +<p>At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting +on his lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he +received from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever +woman cast, and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it +changed this child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening +Bruyn staying a little longer than was his custom in his own +apartment, the page went in search of Blanche, and found her +asleep, and made her dream a beautiful dream.</p> + +<p>He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, +and so plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the +surplus would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the +joys of maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head +and squeezing him to her, cried out--"Oh, Rene! Thou hast +awakened me!"</p> + +<p>And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it +is certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this +business, without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty +which is the assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and +graceful plumage, suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head +of the good husband without his experiencing the slightest +shock.</p> + +<p>After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to +her siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his +according to the Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how +the good youth of the page had a better taste than that of the +old seneschal, and at night she buried herself in the sheets far +away from her husband, whom she found strong and stale. And from +sleeping and waking up in the day, from taking siestas and saying +litanies, the seneschal's wife felt growing within her that +treasure for which she had so often and so ardently sighed; but +now she liked more the commencement than the fructifying of +it.</p> + +<p>You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, +but in the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped +into a flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When +well and amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been +laid by them, the little lady became anxious about her soul and +the future of her friend the page. Now one rainy day, as they +were playing at touch-tag, like two children, innocent from head +to foot, Blanche, who was always caught, said to him--</p> + +<p>"Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed +venial sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal +ones?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the +damned if that is to sin!"</p> + +<p>Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead.</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and +we must live there together if you wish always to be with +me."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my paradise is here."</p> + +<p>"Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch--a scapegrace +who does not think of that which I love--yourself! You do not +know that I am with child, and that in a little while I shall be +no more able to conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot +say? What will my lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself +in a passion. My advice is little one, that you go to the abbot +of Marmoustiers, confess your sins to him, asking him to see what +had better be done concerning my seneschal.</p> + +<p>"Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our +joys, he will put his interdict upon our love."</p> + +<p>"Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world +is a thing so precious to me."</p> + +<p>"Do you wish it my darling?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied she rather faintly.</p> + +<p>"Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you +adieu."</p> + +<p>And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had +both foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on +the morrow, more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and +also to obey her, Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great +monastery.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED +TO GREAT MOURNING.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>"Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the +Kyrie eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a +great felony, and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page +of darkness, that for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? +and dost thou know what it is to lose forever the heaven above +for a perishable and changeful moment here below? Unhappy wretch! +I see thee precipitated for ever in the gulfs of hell unless thou +payest to God in this world that which thou owest him for such +offence."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which +saints are made, and who had great authority in the country of +Touraine, terrified the young man by a heap of representations, +Christian discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the +Church, and a thousand eloquent things--as many as a devil could +say in six weeks to seduce a maiden--but so many that Rene, who +was in the loyal fervour of innocence, made his submission to the +good abbot. The said abbot, wishing to make forever a good and +virtuous man of this child, now in a fair way to be a wicked one, +commanded him first to go and prostrate himself before his lord, +to confess his conduct to him, and then if he escaped from this +confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, and go straight +to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years of the +time appointed to give battle to the Infidels.</p> + +<p>"Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will +fifteen years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If +you knew, I have had joy enough for a thousand years."</p> + +<p>"God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no +more. On this account ego te absolvo."</p> + +<p>Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the +castle of Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the +seneschal, who was polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and +other things. He was sitting on a great marble bench in the open +air, and was amusing himself by making shine again the splendid +trappings which brought back to him the merry pranks in the Holy +Land, the good jokes, and the wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell +upon his knees before him, the good lord was much astonished.</p> + +<p>"What is it?" said he.</p> + +<p>"My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire."</p> + +<p>Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, +recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that +for certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and +the saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at +the disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene +de Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all +the mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his +arms hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and +humbling himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he +could not become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly +dried, remaining dumb with passion. And this old man who had not +in his veins the vital force to procreate a child, found in this +moment of fury more vigour than was necessary to undo a man. He +seized with his hairy right hand his heavy club, lifted it, +brandished it and adjusted it so easily you could have thought it +a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down upon the pale +forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was greatly in +fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his neck, +thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart +in this world and in the other.</p> + +<p>But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this +sweet crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this +old man, although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club +away on to a dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a +thousand million claws, tear during all eternity, all the +entrails of him, who made him, who planted the oak, that made the +chair, on which thou hast antlered me--and the same to those who +engendered thee, cursed page of misfortune! Get thee to the +devil, whence thou camest--go out from before me, from the +castle, from the country, and stay not here one moment more than +is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for thee a death by +slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an hour thy +villainous and ribald partner!"</p> + +<p>Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the +seneschal, whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, +escaping the rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce +rage, gained the gardens speedily, reviling everything by the +way, striking and swearing; he even knocked over three large pans +held by one of his servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, +and he was so beside himself that he would have killed a labourer +for a "thank you." He soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who +was looking towards the road to the monastery, waiting for the +page, and unaware that she would never see him again.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a +swallower of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so +fashioned that a page can behave in this manner and you not know +it? By the death! By the head! By the blood!"</p> + +<p>"Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew +it well enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters +I thought that I was dreaming!"</p> + +<p>The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, +for the direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a +smile from Blanche.</p> + +<p>"May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! +I swear that--"</p> + +<p>"There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, +it is mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved +everything that came from me?"</p> + +<p>Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, +complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; +such as --firstly the estates would not have to be returned to +the king; that never had a child been brought more innocently +into the world, that this, that that, a thousand things; until +the good cuckold relented, and Blanche, seizing a propitious +interruption said--</p> + +<p>"And where it is the page?"</p> + +<p>"Gone to the devil!"</p> + +<p>"What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and +tottered.</p> + +<p>Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus +fall all the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her +have shown her this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene +had run off at full speed, fearing he should be killed; and +departed for the lands beyond the seas, in order to accomplish +his vow of religion. When Blanche had learned from the +above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her well +beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at +times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle +of great dangers for love of me?"</p> + +<p>And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother +no rest until its request be granted it. At these lamentations +the poor seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a +thousand things, putting one out of the question, in order to +make Blanche happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses +of the page. However, she had one day the child so much desired. +You may be sure that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, +for the resemblance to the father was distinctly engraved upon +the face of this sweet fruit of love. Blanche consoled herself +greatly, and picked up again a little of her old gaiety and +flower of innocence, which rejoiced the aged hours of the +seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run about, +watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished by +loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who +had not believed him its father.</p> + +<p>Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been +carried beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine +that Messire Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds +to afford a child. Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by +the quintessence of instruction drawn by her from the natural +reservoir of women, she recognised how necessary it was to be +silent concerning the venial sin with which her child was +covered. So she became modest and good, and was cited as a +virtuous person. And then to make use of him she experimented on +the goodness of her good man, and without giving him leave to go +further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as belonging +to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which Bruyn +offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and +fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow +upon the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the +seneschal did not wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, +and the more he lived the more he became partial to life. But to +be brief, one night he died without knowing where he was going, +for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! My dear, I see thee no longer! +Is it night?"</p> + +<p>It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a +reward for his labours in the Holy Land.</p> + +<p>Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping +for him as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, +without wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, +for which she was praised by all good people, who knew not that +she had a husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the +greater part of her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, +because hearing no news of her lover at the Crusades, the poor +Countess reputed him dead, and during certain nights seeing him +wounded and lying at full length, she would wake up in tears. She +lived thus for fourteen years in the remembrance of one day of +happiness. Finally, one day when she had with her certain ladies +of Touraine, and they were talking together after dinner, behold +her little boy, who was at that time about thirteen and a half, +and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for a child to +resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn about him +but his name--behold the little one, a madcap and pretty like his +mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, +panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the +uses and customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his +well-beloved mother, jumping into her lap, and interrupting the +conversation, cried out--</p> + +<p>"Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the +courtyard a pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the +servants who had charge of the young count and watched over his +precious days, "I have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the +hands of strangers, not even in those of the holiest man in the +world. You quit my service."</p> + +<p>"Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, +"this one wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him +passionately."</p> + +<p>"He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father."</p> + +<p>Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in +which she was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in +which she has sinned.</p> + +<p>Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that +at first they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was +dead, without its ever been known if her sudden death was caused +by her sorrow at the departure of her lover, who, faithful to his +vow, did not wish to see her, or from great joy at his return and +the hope of getting the interdict removed which the Abbot of +Marmoustiers had placed upon their loves. And there was a great +mourning for her, for the Sire de Jallanges lost his spirits when +he saw his lady laid in the ground, and became a monk of +Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by some Maimoustier, +as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest monastery, and +it was indeed the finest in all France.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE KING'S SWEETHEART</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, +a goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account +of her great beauty, and renowned above all things for her +exceeding gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours +by the usual tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of +money to the father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, +the which pleased him not a little.</p> + +<p>One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by +selling his cunning devices to the public had acquired as many +lands as a dog has fleas, took it into his head to offer the said +father a domain in consideration of his consent to this marriage, +which he ardently desired to undertake. To this arrangement our +goldsmith was nothing loth. He bargained away his daughter, +without taking into consideration the fact that her patched-up +old suitor had the features of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in +his jaws. The smell which emanated from his mouth did not however +disturb his own nostrils, although he was filthy and high +flavoured, as are all those who pass their lives amid the smoke +of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other black proceedings. +Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, "Great Heaven! +I would rather not have him."</p> + +<p>"That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a +violent fancy to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a +husband. You must get on as well as you can together. That is his +business now, and his duty is to make himself agreeable to +you."</p> + +<p>"Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders +I'll let him know what he may expect."</p> + +<p>And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of +law was pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and +promising her a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, +quickly remarked--</p> + +<p>"My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will +make a bad bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to +the passers-by than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will +only finish with death--yours or mine."</p> + +<p>Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before +they become experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their +eyes. The good advocate took this strange behaviour for one of +those artifices by which the women seek to fan the flames of love +and turn the devotion of their admirers into the more tender +caress and more daring osculation that speaks a husband's right. +So that the knave took little notice of it, but laughing at the +complaints of the charming creature, asked her to fix the +day.</p> + +<p>"To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage +takes place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to +lead the gay life of those who love where it pleases them."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the foolish fellow--as firmly fixed as a fly in a +glue pot-- went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, +ran to the High Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his +purchase more quickly than he ever done one before, thinking only +of the lovely girl. Meanwhile the king, who had just returned +from a journey, heard nothing spoken of at court but the +marvellous beauty of the jeweller's daughter who had refused a +thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that one; in fact, would +yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the finest young men +of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their seat in +paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of +virtue.</p> + +<p>The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the +town, past the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the +purpose of buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the +same time to bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The +king not taking a fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his +taste, the good man looked in a secret drawer for a big white +diamond.</p> + +<p>"Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's +nose was buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to +sell precious stones, but to receive them, and if you were to +give me all the little rings in the place to choose from, I know +one that many here are mad for; that pleases me; to which I +should ever be subject and servant; and whose price the whole +kingdom of France could never pay."</p> + +<p>"Ah!, sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, +but if you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will +defend my honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be +observed wherein it says,'Render unto Caesar the things which be +Caesar's' . . ."</p> + +<p>Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave +reply rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had +an apartment prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in +the Rue a l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces.</p> + +<p>And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, +to the disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar +to the clang of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to +provoke the qualms of diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, +comes he into the nuptial chamber, where should be reposing his +lovely bride. No longer is she a lovely bride--but a fury--a wild +she-devil, who, seated in an armchair, refuses her share of her +lord's couch, and sits defiantly before the fire warming at the +same time her ire and her calves. The good husband, quite +astonished, kneels down gently before her, inviting her to the +first passage of arms in that charming battle which heralds a +first night of love; but she utters not a word, and when he tries +to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms that have +cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones +rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable.</p> + +<p>This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the +advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can +as well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game +manfully, taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By +so much hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at +last to tear away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was +able to place his hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour +brought Madame to her feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What +would you with me?" she cried.</p> + +<p>"Everything," answered he.</p> + +<p>"Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my +inclination! If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you +made a great error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I +will kill you if you make the semblance of a step towards +me."</p> + +<p>So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon +her lord she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the +confines of the king's domain. Beware how you pass them."</p> + +<p>The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly +interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he +heard the cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through +the slits and tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump +white thigh, and such voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, +et cetera, that death seemed sweet to him if he could only taste +of them a little. So that he rushed within the domain of the +king, saying, "I mind not death." In fact he came with such force +that his charmer fell backwards onto the bed, but keeping her +presence of mind she defended herself so gallantly that the +advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock at the door +that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little stab +from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did +not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his +sovereign. But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I +cannot live without the possession of that lovely body, and those +marvels of love. Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal +preserves. The young beauty, whose head was full of the king, was +not even touched by this great love, said gravely, "If you menace +me further, it is not you but myself I will kill." She glared at +him so savagely that the poor man was quite terrified, and +commenced to deplore the evil hour in which he had taken her to +wife, and thus the night which should have been so joyous, was +passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. In vain +he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she +should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. +Oh! if she would only let him break one lance with her in the +sweet conflict of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the +remainder of his life according to her fantasy. But she, still +unyielding, said she would permit him to die, and that was the +only thing he could do to please her.</p> + +<p>"I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, +I shall give myself to the king, making you a present of the +peddler, chance passers, and street loungers with whom I +threatened you."</p> + +<p>When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited +patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office +client's business, and then ran out into the town to seek the +king. But she had not gone a bow-shot from the house before one +of the king's servants who had watched the house from dawn, +stopped her with the question--</p> + +<p>"Do you seek the king?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle +courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you +mine."</p> + +<p>With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which +was his weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the +next, that she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that +she must keep the king well in hand; in short, he chatted so +pleasantly that the time passed quickly until she found herself +in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle where afterwards lived Madame +d'Estampes. The poor husband shed scalding tears, when he found +his little bird had flown, and became melancholy and pensive. His +friends and neighbours edified his ears with as many taunts and +jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of receiving in +Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, that at +last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful +compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good +man was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a +consummation, and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the +king, the said marriage might have been dissolved; but the +amorous spouse was wretched unto death at my lady's trick. +However, he left her to the king, determining one day to have her +to himself, and thinking that a life-long shame would not be too +dear a payment for a night with her. One must love well to love +like that, eh? and there are many worldly ones, who mock at such +affection. But he, still thinking of her, neglected his cases and +his clients, his robberies and everything. He went to the palace +like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed down, +melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he +relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all +the while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl +was loved night and day by the king, who could not tear himself +from her embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, +knowing as well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish +it--to-day snubbing him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, +and with it a thousand little tricks to charm the ardent +lover.</p> + +<p>A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she +would not receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, +Bridore in Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an +estate for one tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This +death made the fair one sad, and since her confessor laid the +blame of it upon her, she determined for the future to accept all +domains and secretly ease their owner's amorous pains for the +better saving of their souls from perdition. 'Twas thus she +commenced to build up that great fortune which made her a person +of consideration in the town. By this means she prevented many +gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game so well, and +inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little guessed how +much she aided him in securing the happiness of his subjects. The +fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could have made +him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps easier +for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue +d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time +embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely +article would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, +seeing that he eventually died from excess of love. Although she +took care to grant her favours only to the best and noblest in +the court, and that such occasions were rare as miracles, there +were not wanting those among her enemies and rivals who declared +that for 10,000 crowns a simple gentleman might taste the +pleasures of his sovereign, which was false above all falseness, +for when her lord taxed her with it, did she not reply, +"Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this idea in your +head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 crowns +upon me."</p> + +<p>The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept +her on a month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de +Pisseleu, anxious to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. +Many would have liked to be ruined in the same way, seeing she +was taken by a young lord, was happy with him, the fires of love +in her being still unquenched. But to take up the thread again. +One day that the king's sweetheart was passing through the town +in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, broideries, and other +ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and looking so lovely, +that anyone, especially the clerks, would have believed the +heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who comes +upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging +her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her +head as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I +know some who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their +shame and to the great disrespect of conjugal rights.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly +accompanied her.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor +man, how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a +monkey; today he is the very image of a Job."</p> + +<p>The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly +at the sight of that little foot--of that wife so wildly +loved.</p> + +<p>Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly +innocence--</p> + +<p>"If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop +her passage?"</p> + +<p>At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead +of killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which +pierced his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he +nearly tumbled over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's +sweetheart had driven against the wall. The aspect of this weak +flower, which had been his in the bud, but far from him had +spread its lovely leaves; of the fairy figure, the voluptuous +bust--all this made the poor advocate more wretched and more mad +for her than it is possible to express in words. You must have +been madly in love with a woman who refuses your advances +thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare +indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, +fortune, honour--all might go, but that for once at least he +would be flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off +her dainty body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the +night saying, "oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not +her husband?" and "Devil take me," striking himself on the +forehead and tossing about. There are chances and occasions which +occur so opportunely in this world that little-minded men refuse +them credence, saying they are supernatural, but men of high +intellect know them to be true because they could not be +invented. One of the chances came to the poor advocate, even the +day after that terrible one which had been so sore a trial to +him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his +audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying +that he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 +crowns. To which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were +not so often met at the corner of a street as that which often is +seen at the corner of the street; that besides the sureties and +guarantees of interest, it was necessary to find a man who had +about him 12,000 crowns, and that those gentlemen were not +numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and various other things +of a like character the man of cunning remarked.</p> + +<p>"Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless +creditor?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of +the king. Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in +consideration of 20,000 crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall +take her measure."</p> + +<p>Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he +touched a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the +wars, he did not know that the lovely woman adored by the king +had a husband.</p> + +<p>"You appear ill," he said.</p> + +<p>"I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that +you give the contract and the money?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?"</p> + +<p>"No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded +through a servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that +ever was. She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen +from the king have lined her pockets well."</p> + +<p>"I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can +be done; of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing +if this same ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of +the article that is so great an alchemist that turns blood into +gold, by Heaven!"</p> + +<p>"It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," +replied the lord, laughing.</p> + +<p>The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the +advocate, who had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked +bright and beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns +going to vespers. Spread out upon the table they would have made +a donkey smile, even if he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so +splendid, were those brave noble young piles. The good advocate, +however, had prepared this view for no ass, for the little +handmaiden look longingly at the golden heap, and muttered a +prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the husband whispered +in her ear his golden words, "These are for you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid."</p> + +<p>"My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without +being troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has +not told you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of +the lady whom the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry +her these crowns, and come back here. I will hand over yours to +you on a condition which will be to your taste."</p> + +<p>The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to +know how she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the +advocate, was very soon back again.</p> + +<p>"Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With +this sum I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of +three priests at least; so that I believe if I give it to you I +can have you, body, soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith +in you like an advocate, I expect that you will go to the lord +who expects to pass the night with my wife, and you will deceive +him, by telling him that the king is coming to supper with her, +and that to-night he must seek his little amusements elsewhere. +By so doing I shall be able to take his place and the +king's."</p> + +<p>"But how?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You +won't have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way +to have my wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no +sin. It is a work of piety to bring together two people whose +hands only been put one in to the other, and that by the +priest."</p> + +<p>"By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will +be put out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. +Luckily, on these joyful occasions she cries more than she +speaks, and asks questions with her hands alone, for she is very +modest, and does not like loose jokes, like the ladies of the +Court."</p> + +<p>"Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I +promise you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which +belongs to me by right."</p> + +<p>Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and +the servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules +the golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow +and the orphan, and they were all going to that place where +everything goes--save our lives, which come from it. Now behold +my advocate, who shaves himself, scents himself, goes without +onions for dinner that his breath may be sweet, and does +everything to make himself as presentable as a gallant signor. He +gives himself the airs of a young dandy, tries to be lithe and +frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he might try all he knew, +he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not so clever as the +pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing to appear at +her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a disagreeable +odour in a manner well known to young women of an inventive turn +of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the nicest man in +the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes he was +really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes +although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied +forth, quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait +some time. But just as he was beginning to think he had been made +a fool of, and just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and +opened alike the door to him and good husband slipped gleefully +into the king's apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a +cupboard that was close to his wife's bed, and through a crack he +feasted his eyes upon her beauty, for she undressed herself +before the fire, and put on a thin nightgown, through which her +charms were plainly visible. Believing herself alone with her +maid she made those little jokes that women will when undressing. +"Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that overpaid with a +castle in Brie?"</p> + +<p>And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as +rocks, which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had +been furiously attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone +are worth a kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am +tired of this life. That which is hard work is no pleasure." The +little maid smiled, and her lovely mistress said to her, "I +should like to see you in my place." Then the maid laughed, +saying--</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, Madame, he is there."</p> + +<p>"Who?"</p> + +<p>"Your husband."</p> + +<p>"Which?"</p> + +<p>"The real one."</p> + +<p>"Chut!" said Madame.</p> + +<p>And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her +favour and the 12,000 crowns as well.</p> + +<p>"Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his +desires time to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and +become as ugly as a monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place +and thus gain the 12,000 crowns. Go and tell him that he must +take himself off early in the morning in order that I may not +find out your trick upon me, and just before dawn I will get in +by his side."</p> + +<p>The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, +and the chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting +some linen, said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame +to-night has made grand preparations and you will be well served. +But work without whistling, otherwise I shall be lost."</p> + +<p>At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing +with cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the +curtains to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, +and jumped into bed, while her mistress went out as if she had +been the chambermaid. The advocate, released from his cold +hiding-place, rolled rapturously into the warm sheets, thinking +to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell the truth, the maid gave +him his money's worth--and the good man thought of the difference +between the profusion of the royal houses and the niggardly ways +of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, played her part +marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle cries, +shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught +fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ah's! in default of other +words; and as often as the request was made by her, so often was +it complied with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at +last, like an empty pocket. But before finishing, the lover who +wished to preserve a souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a +dextrous turn, plucked out one of his wife's hairs, where from I +know not, seeing I was not there, and kept in his hand this +precious gauge of the warm virtue of that lovely creature. +Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the wife slipped in +beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the maid tapped +gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, "It is +time, get into your clothes and off you go--it's daylight." The +good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the +source of his vanished happiness.</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've +got light hair, and this is dark."</p> + +<p>"What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she +has been duped."</p> + +<p>"But look."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you +who knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and +discolours?" and thereupon roaring with laughter at the good +joke, she pushed him out of doors. This became known. The poor +advocate, named Feron, died of shame, seeing that he was the only +one who had not his own wife while she, who was from this was +called La Belle Feroniere, married, after leaving the king, a +young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old days she would +relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never scented +the knave's flavour.</p> + +<p>This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help +to wives who refuse to support our yoke.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE DEVIL'S HEIR</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who +lived in a fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in +the Parvis. This canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked +as a dagger without its sheath. But since he was found to be a +handsome man, well furnished with everything, and so well +constituted, that if necessary he was able to do the work of +many, without doing himself much harm, he gave himself up +earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the melancholy a +gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to all some +little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his +benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had +customers at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of +the officials, that of the husbands and others, in short, to +endow with sanctity these good and profitable practices, the Lady +Desquerdes gave him a bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all +the miracles were performed. And to the curious it was said, "He +has a bone which will cure everything;" and to this, no one found +anything to reply, because it was not seemly to suspect relics. +Beneath the shade of his cassock, the good priest had the best of +reputations, that of a man valiant under arms. So he lived like a +king. He made money with holy water; sprinkled it and transmitted +the holy water into good wine. More than that, his name lay +snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in wills or in +caudicils, which certain people have falsely written CODICIL, +seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the tail +of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been +made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to +put on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head +warmer." Of all the benefices offered to him, he chose only a +simple canon's stall to keep the good profits of the +confessional. But one day the courageous canon found himself weak +in the back, seeing that he was all sixty- eight years old, and +had held many confessionals. Then thinking over all his good +works, he thought it about time to cease his apostolic labours, +the more so, as he possessed about one hundred thousand crowns +earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only confessed +ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was said +at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks +there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to +properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length +the canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy +about the head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, +having spat so much without coughing, that he coughed now without +being able to spit; no longer rising from his chair, he who had +so often risen for humanity; but drinking dry, eating heartily, +saying nothing, but having all the appearance of a living Canon +of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of the aforesaid canon; +seeing the stories of his evil life which for some time had +circulated among the common people, always ignorant; seeing his +dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, and +other things too numerous to mention--there were certain people +who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about +saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more +than fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old +priest's body. In fact, it seemed to his former customers that +the devil could only by his great heat have furnished these +hermetic distillations, that they remembered to have obtained on +demand from this good confessor, who always had le diable au +corps. But as this devil had been undoubtedly cooked and ruined +by them, and that for a queen of twenty years he would not have +moved, well-disposed people and those not wanting in sense, or +the citizens who argued about everything, people who found lice +in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the form of a +canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when the +canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of +the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. +To these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the +devil wished to convert himself, and others that he remained in +the shape of the canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of +this said brave confessor and make them wait until the day of +their own death for the ample succession of this uncle, to whom +they paid great attention every day, going to look if the good +man had his eyes open, and in fact found him always with his eye +clear, bright, and piercing as the eye of a basilisk, which +pleased them greatly, since they loved their uncle very much--in +words. On this subject an old woman related that for certain the +canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the procureur and +the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a lamp, or +lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had +caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered +together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old +man had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his +dear nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at +her house found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay +as a weaving whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the +penitentiary had given him the courage to sustain this shock and +that his bones were exceedingly hard and had sustained rude +assaults. The good nephews believing him dead, were much +astonished, and perceived that the day that was to dispatch their +uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business stones were +of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their good +uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers +said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he +stayed at home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of +worse was the cause of his seclusion.</p> + +<p>Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old +canon, devil or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had +three heirs with whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, +and other appendage of human life. Of the said three heirs, one +was the wickedest soldier ever born of a woman, and he must have +considerably hurt her in breaking his egg, since he was born with +teeth and bristles. So that he ate, two-fold, for the present and +the future, keeping wenches whose cost he paid; inheriting from +his uncle the continuance, strength, and good use of that which +is often of service. In great battles, he endeavoured always to +give blows without receiving them, which is, and always will be, +the only problem to solve in war, but he never spared himself +there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue except his +bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much +esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his +soldiers did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named +Captain Cochegrue; and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, +and others, whose pockets he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, +since he was as mischievous as strong; but he had moreover his +back spoilt by the natural infirmity of a hump, and it would have +been unwise to attempt to mount thereon to get a good view, for +he would incontestably have run you through.</p> + +<p>The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his +uncle had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where +he did the business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had +the best confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him +upon his real name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother +the captain. Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very +cold water, was pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a +polecat.</p> + +<p>This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the +captain, and had for his uncle a little affection, but since +about two years his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop +his gratitude had run out, in such a way that from time to time, +when the air was damp, he liked to put his feet into his uncle's +hose, and press in advance the juice of this good inheritance. He +and his brother, the soldier found their share very small, since +loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in nature, and in reality, +it was necessary to give the third part of everything to a poor +cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the which heir, but +little loved by the good man, remained in the country, where he +was a shepherd, near Nanterre.</p> + +<p>The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by +the advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's +house, in the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his +clumsiness, his want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be +displeasing to the canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now +this poor Chiquon, as the shepherd was named, had lived about a +month alone with his old uncle, and finding more profit or more +amusement in minding an abbot than looking after sheep, made +himself the canon's dog, his servant, the staff of his old age, +saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, "God save you," when +he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; going to see if +it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, listening, +speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, +admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all +heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after +the manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, +who stood in no need of learning which side the bread was +buttered, repulsed poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a +die, always calling him Chiquon, and always saying to his other +nephews that this Chiquon was helping to kill him, such a +numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, Chiquon determined to +do well by his uncle, and puzzled his understanding to appear +better; but as he had a behind shaped like a pair of pumpkins, +was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from sharp, he more +resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, the poor +shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he remained +big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin.</p> + +<p>One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the the +devil and the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God +will get warm for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, +began to open his eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the +statement, without believing a word of it.</p> + +<p>"What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?"</p> + +<p>"In that, yes," answered Chiquon.</p> + +<p>"Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary +to have a hell for the wicked?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a +wicked man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick +him out of doors?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in +the this world, which he has so curiously constructed, an +abominable devil whose special business it is to spoil everything +for him. Pish! I recognise no devil if there be a good God; you +may depend upon that. I should very much like to see the devil. +Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his claws!"</p> + +<p>"And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my +very youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten +times a day."</p> + +<p>"Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a +precious merit on high."</p> + +<p>"There, there! Do you mean it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Canon."</p> + +<p>"Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?"</p> + +<p>"I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn."</p> + +<p>"The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you."</p> + +<p>"By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I +believe him more learned and less stupid than the savans make him +out."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from +the voice of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, +and that the jeremiads which he had made concerning him were +simple tricks to disguise the affection which he bore him, looked +at each other in great astonishment.</p> + +<p>Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him--</p> + +<p>"If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the +house?</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?"</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"And the fief of Ville Parisis?"</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then +will be Chiquon's."</p> + +<p>"No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made +my will in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest +of you three; I am so near to the future, that I can therein see +clearly your destinies."</p> + +<p>And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, +like a decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him +into her net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the +shepherd, who from that moment had his understanding and his ears +all unfogged, and his brain open, like that of a maiden the day +after her marriage. The procureur and the captain, taking these +sayings for gospel prophecies, made their bow and went out from +the house, quite perplexed at the absurd designs of the +canon.</p> + +<p>"What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to +Mau-cinge.</p> + +<p>"I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think +of hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below +his feet; he can pick it up again if he likes."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that +is easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As +for me, I thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would +play at putting ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do +at Court, who could walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him +up, we could throw him into the Seine, at the same time begging +him to swim."</p> + +<p>"This must be well matured," replied the soldier.</p> + +<p>"Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to +the devil, the heritage would then be between us two."</p> + +<p>"I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as +close together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are +fine as silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as +good as traps-- you hear that, my good brother."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard--now shall it be +the thread or the iron?"</p> + +<p>"Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to +settle? For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words +necessary? Come! 20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of +us who shall first cut him off: I'll say to him in good faith, +'Pick up your head.'"</p> + +<p>"And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like +the gap of a pourpoint.</p> + +<p>And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and +the advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was +the lover.</p> + +<p>Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the +planning of his death, although the two cousins had walked in the +parvis, and talked to each other as every one speaks at church +when praying to God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if +the words had come up or if his ears had gone down.</p> + +<p>"Do you hear, Mister Canon?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire."</p> + +<p>"Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I +believe in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he +calls me."</p> + +<p>"Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet +yourself, nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear +more rain, and the beggars in the street are not always the most +dangerous beggars."</p> + +<p>At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the +canon; found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; +but as he had to arrange matters concerning the death which +menaced him, he thought to himself that he would always have +leisure to admire the canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted +off quickly through the town, as a little woman trots towards her +pleasure.</p> + +<p>His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory +science, of which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had +often talked before him of their secret goings on, counting him +as nothing.</p> + +<p>Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted +to him how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on +whose head he had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, +historical horns, fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was +to hear him, a right merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving +an embrace while her husband was mounting the stairs, devouring +the commodity as if she was swallowing a a strawberry, only +thinking of love-making, always trifling and frisky, gay as an +honest woman who lacks nothing, contenting her husband, who +cherished her so much as he loved his own gullet; subtle as a +perfume, so much so, that for five years she managed so well with +his household affairs, and her own love affairs, that she had the +reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her husband, the +keys of the house, the purse, and all.</p> + +<p>"And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the +canon.</p> + +<p>"Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night."</p> + +<p>"But how?" said the canon, astonished.</p> + +<p>"This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I +get. When the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, +where he goes to supper every evening, because often he helps the +draper's wife in her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, +lets him go to bed alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the +room where the chest is. On the morrow, when my jeweller is at +his forge, I depart, and as the house has one exit on to the +bridge, and another into the street, I always come to the door +when the husband is not, on the pretext of speaking to him of his +suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, and I never let them +come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, seeing that in +the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, he spends +as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as all +good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, +cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does +nothing without me."</p> + +<p>Now these practices came back again to the memory of the +shepherd, who was illuminated by the light issuing from his +danger, and counselled by the intelligence of those measures of +self-preservation, of which every animal possesses a sufficient +dose to go to the end of his ball of life. So Chiquon gained with +hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, where the jeweller should be +supping with his companion, and after having knocked at the door, +replied to question put to him through the little grill, that he +was a messenger on state secrets, and was admitted to the +draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he made the +happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, and +said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on +your forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, +would you throw him into the river?"</p> + +<p>"Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll +give you a good drubbing."</p> + +<p>"There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and +come to warn you that as many times as you have conversed with +the draper's wife here, as often has your own wife been served +the same way by the advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come +back to your forge, you will find a good fire there. On your +arrival, he who looks after your you- know-what, to keep it in +good order, gets into the big clothes chest. Now make a pretence +that I have bought the said chest of you, and I will be upon the +bridge with a cart, waiting your orders."</p> + +<p>The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted +company with his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole +like a poisoned rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, +he runs hastily up the stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his +wife coming out of the chamber of love, and then says to her, "My +dear, here are two covers laid."</p> + +<p>"Well, my darling are we not two?"</p> + +<p>"No," said he, "we are three."</p> + +<p>"Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs +with perfect innocence.</p> + +<p>"No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest."</p> + +<p>"What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where +do you see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a +woman to keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been +kept in chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with +your chests? I know no other friend then Master Cornille the +draper, and no other chest than the one with our clothes in."</p> + +<p>"Oh!," said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young +man, who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be +embraced by our advocate, and that he is in the chest."</p> + +<p>"I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does +everything the wrong way."</p> + +<p>"There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to +be a good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this +paltry chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I +am about to sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see +in my house, and for this one he will sell me two pretty little +ones, in which there will not be space enough even for a child; +thus the scandal and the babble of those envious of your virtue +will be extinguished for want of nourishment."</p> + +<p>"You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any +value to my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our +linen is at the wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous +chest taken away tomorrow morning. Will you sup?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite +without the chest."</p> + +<p>"I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of +your head."</p> + +<p>"Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and +apprentices; "come down!"</p> + +<p>In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then +he, their master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said +chest, this piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled +across the room, but in passing the advocate, finding his feet in +the air to the which he was not accustomed, tumbled over a +little.</p> + +<p>"Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking."</p> + +<p>"No, my dear, it's the bolt."</p> + +<p>And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down +the stairs.</p> + +<p>"Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came +whistling his mules, and the good apprentices lifted the +litigious chest into the cart.</p> + +<p>"Hi, hi!" said the advocate.</p> + +<p>"Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice.</p> + +<p>"In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick +between two features that luckily were not made of glass. The +apprentice tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him +to discontinue his studies in the language of chests. The +shepherd, accompanied by the good jeweller, carried all the +baggage to the water-side without listening to the high eloquence +of the speaking wood, and having tied several stones to it, the +jeweller threw it into the Seine.</p> + +<p>"Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently +jeering at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty +little plunge like a duck.</p> + +<p>Then Chiqoun continued to proceed along the quay, as far as +the Rue- du-port, St Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. +There he noticed a house, recognised the door, and knocked +loudly.</p> + +<p>"Open," said he, "open by order of the king."</p> + +<p>Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous +Lombard, Versoris, ran to the door.</p> + +<p>"What is it?" said he.</p> + +<p>"I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch +tonight," replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his +archers ready. The hunchback who has robbed you has come back +again. Keep under arms, for he is quite capable of easing you of +the rest."</p> + +<p>Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran +to the Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue +was feasting with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, +and the most charming in perversity that ever was; according to +all the gay ladies, her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab +of a dagger. Her appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it +would have put all Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as +bold as a woman who has no other virtue than her insolence. Poor +Chiquon was greatly embarrassed while going to the quarter of the +Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid that he would be unable to find +the house of La Pasquerette, or find the two pigeons gone to +roost, but a good angel arranged there speedily to his +satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des Marmouzets he +saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads thrust +out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and young +ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other as +if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in +great haste had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his +hand.</p> + +<p>"Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was +the Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge +beating La Pasquerette."</p> + +<p>"Where?" asked the shepherd.</p> + +<p>"Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the +mouths of flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear +the varlets and the serving maids?"</p> + +<p>And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come +some one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge +said with his gruff voice:</p> + +<p>"Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you +want your money now, do you? Take that--"</p> + +<p>And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! +Oh! oh!" Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a +light body of the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great +silence, after which the lights were put out, servants, waiting +women, roysterers, and others went in again, and the shepherd who +had come opportunely mounted the stairs in company with them, but +on beholding in the room above broken glasses, slit carpets, and +the cloth on the floor with the dishes, everyone remained at a +distance.</p> + +<p>The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened +the door of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and +found her quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck +twisted, lying upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, +with his tone considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note +to sing the remainder of his anthem.</p> + +<p>"Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, +let me put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so +pretty in your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which +the cunning soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she +fell there all of a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had +been hanged. Seeing which her companion found it was time for his +hump to retire from the game; however, the artful fellow before +slinking away said, "Poor Pasquerette, how could I murder so good +of girl, and one I loved so much? But, yes, I have killed her, +the thing is clear, for in her life never did her sweet breast +hang down like that. Good God, one would say it was a crown at +the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette opened her eyes and +then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, which was white +and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on the ears, +administered to the captain.</p> + +<p>"That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd.</p> + +<p>"Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and +he who has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I +wished to be agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me +from the hands of justice.</p> + +<p>"Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin."</p> + +<p>"There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just +recognised, "is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a +large sum."</p> + +<p>"Where from?" asked the captain, astonished.</p> + +<p>"Come here, and let me whisper in your ear--if 30,000 crowns +were walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, +would you not stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them +spoiling?"</p> + +<p>"Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of +me, or I will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put +me opposite 30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to +kill three citizens at the corner of the Quay."</p> + +<p>"You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I +have for a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard +who is in the city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have +just learned on sound information that this dear man has departed +this morning into the country after having hidden under a +pear-tree in his garden a good bushel of gold, believing himself +to be seen only by the angels. But the girl who had by chance a +bad toothache, and was taking the air at her garret window, spied +the old crookshanks, without wishing to do so, and chattered of +it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give me a good share I +will lend you my shoulders in order that you may climb on to the +top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the pear-tree, +which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am a +blockhead, an animal?"</p> + +<p>"No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you +have ever to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to +kill even one of my own friends for you. I am no longer your +cousin, but your brother. Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge +to La Pasquerette, "put the tables straight, wipe up your blood, +it belongs to me, and I'll pay you for it by giving you a hundred +times as much of mine as I have taken of thine. Make the best of +it, shake the black dog, off your back, adjust your petticoats, +laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and let us recommence our +evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow I'll make thee +braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to entertain, +even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out of +windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. +Come, fall to!"</p> + +<p>Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his +Dominus vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter +as it had previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these +houses of ill- fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, +and where tempests of joy rage between four walls. But these are +things ladies of the high-neck dress do not understand.</p> + +<p>The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at +the breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, +who spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be +drunk, spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow +he would buy Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the +king, that he would be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so +much nonsense that the captain, fearing some compromising avowal +and thinking his brain quite muddled enough, led him outside with +the good intention, instead of sharing with him, of ripping +Chiquon open to see if he had not a sponge in his stomach, +because he had just soaked in a big quart of the good wine of +Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand theological +subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by rolling +quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the +Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad +shoulders, jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in +attacks upon towns, but Versoris, who was watching him, made a +blow at his neck, and repeated it so vigorously that with three +blows fell the upper portion of the said Cochegrue, but not until +he had heard the clear voice of the shepherd, who cried to him, +"Pick up your head, my friend." Thereupon the generous Chiquon, +in whom virtue received its recompense, thought it would be wise +to return to the house of the good canon, whose heritage was by +the grace of God considerably simplified. Thus he gained the Rue +St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all speed, and soon slept like a +new-born baby, no longer knowing the meaning of the word +"cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose according to the +habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his uncle's room +to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had slept well; +but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the bells of +St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, he +had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter +were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon +replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to +disport himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish +to die? I'll light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and +the good shepherd ran into the room where the canon generally +sat, and to his great astonishment beheld him seated in his +chair.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew +you were too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your +stall."</p> + +<p>The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all +thinkers, a man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes +old men have strange crotchets, converse with the essence of +occult things, and mumble to themselves discourses concerning +matters not under consideration; so that, from reverence and +great respect for the secret meditations of the canon, he went +and sat down at a distance, and waited the termination of these +dreams; noticing, silently the length of the good man's nails, +which looked like cobbler's awls, and looking attentively at the +feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see the flesh of his legs +so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and seemed all on fire +through his hose.</p> + +<p>He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the +room opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, +came back from church.</p> + +<p>"Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your +senses? Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, +because you are already seated in your chair in the chimney +corner, and that it is impossible for there to be two canons like +you in the world."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be +in two places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he +would be too happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone +here."</p> + +<p>Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it +empty; and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he +approached it, and found on the seat a little pat of cinders, +from which ascended a strong odour of sulphur.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved +well towards me--I will pray God for him."</p> + +<p>And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil +had amused himself by playing at providence, and had loyally +aided him to get rid of his wicked cousins, the which the canon +admired much, and thought very good, seeing that he had plenty of +good sense left, and often had observed things which were to the +devil's advantage. So the good old priest remarked that 'as much +good was always met with in evil as evil in good, and that +therefore one should not trouble too much after the other world, +the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have put +right'.</p> + +<p>And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in +these times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build +the bridge of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good +figure under the angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned +to these veracious histories.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE MERRY JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE +ELEVENTH</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good +joke, and-- the interests of his position as king, and those of +the church on one side--he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled +doves as often as to hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the +sorry scribblers who have made him out a hypocrite, showed +plainly that they knew him not, since he was a good friend, good +at repartee, and a jollier fellow than any of them.</p> + +<p>It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four +things are excellent and opportune in life--to keep warm, to +drink cool, to stand up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain +persons have accused him of taking up with a dirty trollops; this +is a notorious falsehood, since all his mistresses, of whom one +was legitimised, came of good houses and had notable +establishments. He did not go in for waste and extravagance, +always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain devourers +of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all +maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said +king was a capital fellow in private life, and even very +agreeable; and before cutting off the heads of his friends, or +punishing them--for he did not spare them--it was necessary that +they should have greatly offended him, and his vengeance was +always justice; I have only seen in our friend Verville that this +worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; but one does not make a +habit, and even for this his boon companion Tristan was more to +blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance related by the +said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I reproduce +it because certain people are not familiar with the exquisite +work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give the +substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the +savans are not ignorant.</p> + +<p>Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in +'Imperia') to a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called +himself Monsieur de Turpenay. It happened that the king being at +Plessis-les-Tours, the real abbot, who was a monk, came and +presented himself before the king, and presented also a petition, +remonstrating with him that, canonically and a monastically, he +was entitled to the abbey and that the usurping gentleman wronged +of his right, and therefore he called upon his majesty to have +justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the king promised to +render him contented. This monk, importunate as are all hooded +animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, bored +with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and +said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, +rid the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, +or a monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court +called Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to +lead him to one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him +to understand that the king desired he should die. He tried to +resist, supplicating and supplicating to escape, but in no way +could he obtain a hearing. He was delicately strangled between +the head and shoulders, so that he expired; and, three hours +afterwards, Tristan told the king that he was discharged. It +happened five days afterwards, which is the space in which souls +come back again, that the monk came into the room where the king +was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was +present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear--</p> + +<p>"You have not done that which I told you to."</p> + +<p>"Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead."</p> + +<p>"Eh? I meant this monk."</p> + +<p>"I understood the gentleman!"</p> + +<p>"What, is it done then?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sire,"</p> + +<p>"Very well then"--turning towards the monk--"come here, monk." +The monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor +monk began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, +"Thank God that he has not willed that you should be killed as I +had ordered. He who took your estates has been instead. God has +done you justice. Go and pray God for me, and don't stir out of +your convent."</p> + +<p>The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very +well have hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the +said gentleman, he died in the king's service.</p> + +<p>In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king +Louis, not wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to +his rakish propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her +Majesty (a kingly delicacy which his successors have not +possessed) became enamoured of a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, +who was, to tell the truth, wife of a citizen of the town. The +husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said Nicole in a house +near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue Quincangrogne, +because it was a lonely place, far from other habitations. The +husband and the wife were thus both in his service, and he had by +La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole had a +tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, +furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the +touch, white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to +be fertile in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that +never with her was the same thing encountered twice in love, so +deeply had she studied the sweet solutions of the science, the +manners of accommodating the olives of Poissy, the expansions of +the nerves, and hidden doctrines of the breviary, the which much +delighted the king. She was as gay as a lark, always laughing and +singing, and never made anyone miserable, which is the +characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who have +always an occupation--an equivocal one if you like. The king +often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, +and in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and +without his suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some +snare, he gave to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his +kennels, beggars that would eat a man without saying "By your +leave," the which royal dogs knew only Nicole and the king. When +the Sire came Nicole let them loose in the garden, and the door +of the house being sufficiently barred and closely shut, the king +put the keys in his pocket, and in perfect security gave himself +up, with his satellites, to every kind of pleasure, fearing no +betrayal, jumping about at will, playing tricks, and getting up +good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan watched the +neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall of +Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in +which it would have been easy to give the passers-by a +benediction with his feet, unless he had the king's pass, since +often would Louis send out in search of lasses for his friends, +or people to entertain him with the amusements suggested by +Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were there for these little +amusements, to whom he gently recommended silence, so that no one +knew of these pastimes until after his death. The farce of +"Baisez mon cul" was, it is said, invented by the said Sire. I +will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, +because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry +monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first +was Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second +was called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and +jewels used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was +a very wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the +founders of good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One +evening that the king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, +having drunk heartily, joked heartily, and offered early in the +evening his prayer in Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his +crony, to the Cardinal, La Balue, and to old Dunois, who were +still soaking, "Let us have a good laugh! I think it will be a +good joke to see misers before a bag of gold without being able +to touch it. Hi, there!"</p> + +<p>Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets.</p> + +<p>"Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither +six thousand gold crowns--and at once! And you will go and seize +the bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de +Cygnes, and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of +the king."</p> + +<p>Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to +which was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who +soaped herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as +the company comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that +the best was the one a man had all to himself like a plate of +warm mussels, at that precise moment when God sent him a good +idea to communicate to her. The cardinal asked which was the most +precious thing to a lady; the first or the last kiss? To which La +Beaupertuys replied: "that it was the last, seeing that she knew +then what she was losing, while at the first she did not know +what she would gain." During these sayings, and others which have +most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand gold crowns, +which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of to-day, so +much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king ordered +the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, so +that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up +involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They +did not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, +pale and panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange +freaks.</p> + +<p>"Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look +at the crowns on the table."</p> + +<p>And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You +may reckon that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than +their little minnow eyes.</p> + +<p>"These are yours," added the king.</p> + +<p>Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each +other; and the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert +in grimaces than any others, because of their physiognomies +becoming tolerably curious, like those of cats lapping up milk, +or girls titillated with marriage.</p> + +<p>"There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say +three times to the two others, 'Baisez mon cul', thrusting his +hand into the gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had +violated his lady- love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he +will pay ten crowns to Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three +times."</p> + +<p>"That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a +Dutchman, had his lips as often compressed and serious as +Madame's mouth was often open and laughing. Then he bravely put +his hands on the crowns to see if they were good, and clutched +them bravely, but as he looked at the others to say civilly to +them, "Baisez mon cul," the two misers, distrustful of his Dutch +gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he had sneezed. The +which caused all the company to laugh, and even Cornelius +himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he felt +such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let +little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a +chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the +jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose +lips were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He +seized a handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the +king, and said, with a jeering air, "Baisez mon cul."</p> + +<p>"Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser.</p> + +<p>"Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since +the said Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third +time was about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys +made a sign of consent to his modest request, which caused him to +lose his countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples.</p> + +<p>"How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face +before six thousand crowns?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is +tried tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry +plague."</p> + +<p>The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, +and the king amused himself for about an hour at the expression +of these faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other +monkey's paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing +their boats with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their +fists to opening them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count +out, each one, a hundred crown to Madame.</p> + +<p>When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire +will you let me try?"</p> + +<p>"Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less +money."</p> + +<p>That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always +was.</p> + +<p>One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly +with words and actions, a little farther than the canons of the +Church permitted him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for +herself, was a clever hussy, not to be asked with impunity how +many holes there were in her mother's chemise.</p> + +<p>"Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the +king likes is not to receive the holy oils."</p> + +<p>Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, +and to whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if +he wished her to be shaved.</p> + +<p>Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his +proposals secret, she suspected that these little plots were +ruses practised by the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been +aroused by her friends. Now, for being able to revenge herself +upon Louis, she at least determined to pay out the said lords, to +make fools of them, and amuse the king with the tricks she would +play upon them. One evening that they had come to supper, she had +a lady of the city with her, who wished to speak with the king. +This lady was a lady of position, who wished asked the king +pardon for her husband, the which, in consequence of this +adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having led the king +aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make their +guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make merry +and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to +pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and +be sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning +them inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be +friendly to the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if +she enjoyed the perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly +lent herself to this good joke.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let +us fall to; we have had a good day's sport."</p> + +<p>And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of +the Scotch Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the +king, followed the two ladies into the room where one rubs the +rust off one's jaw bones. And there they lined the mold of their +doublets. What is that? It is to pave the stomach, to practice +the chemistry of nature, to register the various dishes, to +regale your tripes, to dig your grave with your teeth, play with +the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to support a cuckold. But +more philosophically it is to make ordure with one's teeth. Now, +do you understand? How many words does it require to burst open +the lid of your understanding?</p> + +<p>The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid +and first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, +returning to the hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the +fish, saying to one, "Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to +Madame"; to all of them, "Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put +this bottle to death! You do not know the flavour of this +forcemeat. And these lampreys--ah! what do you say to them? And +by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from the Loire! Just +stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own hunting; +he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the king's +eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these +preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they +are my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them +to swell out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch +laughed with them, and they joked and disputed, and spat, and +blew their noses, and kicked up just as though the king had not +been with them. Then so much victuals had been taken on board, so +many flagons drained and stews spoiled, that the faces of the +guests were the colour of cardinals gowns, and their doublets +appeared ready to burst, since they were crammed with meat like +Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of their paunches. +Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse sweat, +began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat quietly +apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because all +their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the +huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble +and rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat +of that sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a +plate of eels cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, +"Oh! oh! The forcemeat is serving me out." The cardinal, who was +the biggest bellied man of the lot, snorted through his nostrils +like a frightened horse. It was he who was first compelled to +give vent to a loud sounding belch, and then he soon wished +himself in Germany, where this is a form of salutation, for the +king hearing this gastric language looked at the cardinal with +knitted brows.</p> + +<p>"What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?"</p> + +<p>This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much +of a good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined +to get rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about +in their pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to +hold them for a little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. +It was then that some of them puffed and swelled like +tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the good king aside and said to +him--</p> + +<p>"Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, +two large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now +when hard- pressed by the drugs which I have put in their +goblets, they desire to mount the throne to which we are now +about to pretend to go, they will always find the place taken; by +this means you will enjoy their writhings."</p> + +<p>Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to +go and turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I +will tell you the origin in another place. And after an honest +lapse of water, Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be +believed that she had left the lady at the little laboratory of +natural alchemy. Thereupon the king, singling out the cardinal, +made him get up, and talked with him seriously of his affairs, +holding him by the tassel of his amice. To all that the king +said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be delivered from this +favour, and slip out of the room, since the water was in his +cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. All +the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the +progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more +than to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their +substances modified themselves and glided working downward, like +those insects who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, +tormenting, and ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is +so ignorant, so insolent as those cursed objects, and they are +importunate like all things detained to whom one owes liberty. So +they slipped at every turn like eels out of a net, and each one +had need of great efforts and science not to disgrace himself +before the king. Louis took great pleasure in interrogating his +guests, and was much amused with the vicissitudes of their +physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty grimaces of +their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, "I +would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen +seconds."</p> + +<p>"Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am +no longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied +the surgeon.</p> + +<p>The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt +from the bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the +king's hand, making a start as if he had forgotten to say his +prayers, and made his way towards the door.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the +king.</p> + +<p>"By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that +all your affairs are very extensive, sire!"</p> + +<p>The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at +his cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, +loosening a little the strings of his purse; but when he opened +the blessed little door he found the lady at her functions upon +the throne, like a pope about to be consecrated. Then restraining +his impatience, he descended the stairs to go into the garden. +However, on the last steps the barking of the dogs put him in +great fear of being bitten in one of his precious hemispheres; +and not knowing where to deliver himself of his chemical produce +he came back into the room, shivering like a man who has been in +the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, imagined +that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his +ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon +rose quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the +rafters, but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his +sphincter in advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; +arrived there he was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of +excuse to this student of perpetual motion, shutting the door +with as promptitude as he opened it; and he came back burdened +with an accumulation which seriously impeded his private +channels. And in the same way went to guests one after the other, +without being able to unburden themselves of their sauces, as +soon again found themselves all in the presence of Louis the +Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each other +slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than they +ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any +equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and +everything therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing +that it is a science which we learn at our birth.</p> + +<p>"I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will +go on until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such +a case of diarrhoea here?"</p> + +<p>"She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a +minute. May the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim.</p> + +<p>All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down +to make their importunate matters patient, when the said lady +reappeared in the room. You can believe they found her beautiful +and graceful, and would willingly have kissed her, there where +they so longed to go; and never did they salute the day with more +favour than this lady, the liberator of the poor unfortunate +bodies. La Balue rose; the others, from honour, esteem, and +reverence of the church, gave way to the clergy, and, biding +their time, they continued to make grimaces, at which the king +laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop the +respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch +captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in +which the cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of +misplaced confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that +before the king, his mishap might escape detection. At this +moment the cardinal returned horribly upset, because he had found +La Beaupertuys on the episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not +knowing if she were in the room, he came back and gave vent to a +diabolical "Oh!" on beholding her near his master.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest +in a way to give him the fever.</p> + +<p>"Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory +are in my ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is +sorcery going on in this house."</p> + +<p>"Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the +king.</p> + +<p>At these words the company were in a terrible state.</p> + +<p>"So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made +them turn pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. +from the window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!"</p> + +<p>The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he +appeared; and as these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to +their present position by the favour of the king, Louis, in a +moment of anger, could crush them at will; so that with the +exception of the cardinal who relied upon his cassock, Tristan +found them all rigid and aghast.</p> + +<p>"Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my +friend, they have disgraced themselves through over-eating."</p> + +<p>"Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him.</p> + +<p>"The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, +laughing.</p> + +<p>This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king +did not intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked +heaven. The monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not +at all a bad fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving +themselves against the side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a +good Frenchman, kept them company, and escorted them to their +homes. This is why since that time the citizens of Tours had +never failed to defile the Mall of Chardonneret, because the +gentlemen of the court had been there.</p> + +<p>I will not leave this great king without committing to writing +this good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old +maid, much disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she +had lived, been able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in +her yellow skin, that she still was as virgin as a mule. This old +maid had her apartments on the other side of the house which +belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the corner of the Rue de +Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on the balcony +joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, and hear +what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and often +the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, +who did not know that she was so much within the range of his +majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king +had caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had +violated a noble lady of a certain age, believing that she was a +young maiden. There would have been no harm in this, and it would +have been a thing greatly to the credit of the said lady to have +been taken for a virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had +abominably insulted her, and suspecting her of trickery, had +taken it into his head to rob her of a splendid silver goblet, in +payment of the present he had just made her. This young man had +long hair, and was so handsome that the whole town wished to see +him hanged, both from regret and out of curiosity. You may be +sure that at this hanging there were more caps than hats. Indeed, +the said young man swung very well; and after the fashion and +custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance +couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies +said on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved +so fine a fellow from the scaffold.</p> + +<p>"Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La +Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king.</p> + +<p>"We should terrify her," replied Louis.</p> + +<p>"Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead +man, so madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her +making love to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, +and you would have laughed heartily at her words and +gestures."</p> + +<p>Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king +sent to have this young townsman, who had just finished the last +scene of his tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in +a white shirt, two officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's +garden, and put the corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the +street. Having done this they went away, and the king remained in +the room with the balcony to it, playing with Beaupertuys, and +awaiting an hour at which the old maid should go to bed. La +Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, and jump, as the +Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from which she was +not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls of the +cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, +chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls +carry, then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, +settled herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of +something better; then she went to the larder, supping and +sighing, and sighing and supping, eating alone, with her eyes +cast down upon the carpet; and after having drunk, behaved in a +manner forbidden in court society.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" the corpse said to her, 'God bless you!'"</p> + +<p>At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily +in their sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian +king watched the undressing of the old maid, who admired herself +while removing her things--pulling out a hair, or scratching a +pimple which had maliciously come upon her nose; picking her +teeth, and doing a thousand little things which, alas! all +ladies, virgins or not, are obliged to do, much to their +annoyance; but without these little faults of nature, they would +be too proud, and one would not be able to enjoy their society. +Having achieved her aquatic and musical discourse, the old maid +got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a fine, great, ample, +and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the fresh vigour of +this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly youth; then +sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not know he +was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking +her, and counterfeiting death.</p> + +<p>"Go away, you bad young man!" said she.</p> + +<p>But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most +humble and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not +move, she examined him more closely, and was much astonished at +this so fine human nature when she recognised the young fellow, +upon whom the fancy took her to perform some purely scientific +experiments in the interests of hanged persons.</p> + +<p>"What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king.</p> + +<p>"She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian +humanity."</p> + +<p>And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, +supplicating holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life +of this husband who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, +suddenly looking at the dead body she was so charitably rubbing, +she thought she saw a slight movement in the eyes; then she put +her hand upon the man's heart, and felt it beat feebly. At +length, from the warmth of the bed and of affection, and by the +temperature of old maids, which is by far more burning then the +warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight of bringing +to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky chance had +been very badly hanged.</p> + +<p>"See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged +again? he is too handsome."</p> + +<p>"The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he +shall marry the old woman."</p> + +<p>Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master +leech, a good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him +back directly. He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young +man. And as no blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, +the transshipment of blood in the lungs has taken place."</p> + +<p>But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and +then came out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had +only just begun, was arrested in its course. The young man moved +and came more to life; then he fell, from natural causes, into a +state of great weakness and profound sadness, prostration of +flesh and general flabbiness. Now the old maid, who was all eyes, +and followed the great and notable changes which were taking +place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled the surgeon +by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious glance of +the eye, the piteous cause, said to him--</p> + +<p>"Will he for the future be always like that?"</p> + +<p>"Often," replied the veracious surgeon.</p> + +<p>"Oh! he was much nicer hanged!"</p> + +<p>At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the +window, the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this +laugh seemed to them a second sentence of death for their poor +victim. But the king kept his word, and married them. And in +order to do justice he gave the husband the name of the Sieur de +Mortsauf in the place of the one he had lost upon the scaffold. +As La Godegrand had a very big basket of crowns, they founded a +good family in Touraine, which still exists and is much +respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis the +Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come +across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous +assignations in the night.</p> + +<p>This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and +not to deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists +between the old and the young, for if we are not hanged for our +errors of love, there are always great risks to run.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a +great fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably +enamoured of little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his +majesty King Charles the Sixth.</p> + +<p>The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, +tough in skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, +always busy hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or +thinking of other stratagems than those of love. Thus the good +soldier, caring little to flavour the marriage stew, used his +charming wife after the fashion of a man with more lofty ideas; +of the which the ladies have a great horror, since they like not +the joists of the bed to be the sole judges of their fondling and +vigorous conduct.</p> + +<p>Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the +constable, only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her +heart was laden for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman +clearly perceived.</p> + +<p>Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon +harmonise their fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this +was a thing clearly demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that +Savoisy's horses were oftener stabled at the house of her cousin +of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. Pol, where the chamberlain +lived, since the destruction of his residence, ordered by the +university, as everyone knows.</p> + +<p>This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some +unfortunate adventure for Bonne--the more so as the constable was +as ready to brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow +benedictions--the said queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, +while coming out from vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the +holy water with Savoisy--</p> + +<p>"My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?"</p> + +<p>"Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, +Madame."</p> + +<p>This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into +writing, and later on, into action, when her lord the king +wounded one of her lovers, whose business you see settled in this +narrative.</p> + +<p>You know by constant experience, that in the early time of +love each of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the +mystery of the heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as +from the amusement yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they +play at who can best conceal their thoughts, but one day of +forgetfulness suffices to inter the whole virtuous past. The poor +woman is taken in her joy as in a lasso; her sweetheart proclaims +his presence, or sometimes his departure, by some article of +clothing--a scarf, a spur, left by some fatal chance, and there +comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the web so gallantly +woven by their golden delights. But when one is full of days, he +should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a husband +is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant deaths. +So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's +wife.</p> + +<p>One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in +consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was +quitting Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, +and attempted to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so +that she should not be angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers +of the morning, replied to the action--</p> + +<p>"Leave me alone, Charles!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who +was not one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!"</p> + +<p>Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and +ran upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the +place where slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the +said servant had a finger in the pie.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge +of his passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee +instantly, because of the secret practices of Charles who comes +here."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?"</p> + +<p>"Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not +confess to me every assignation given, and in what manner they +have been arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou +falterest, I will pierce thee with my dagger!"</p> + +<p>"Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn +nothing."</p> + +<p>The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran +her through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back +into his wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by +the shrieks of the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; +I've corrected Billette rather severely."</p> + +<p>Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch +his son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into +her room. The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may +imagine--at the cries of her little one; and was greatly +terrified at seeing him in the hands of her husband, who had his +right hand all bloody, and cast a fierce glance on the mother and +son.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he +the fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?"</p> + +<p>At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son +like a frightened frog leaping into the water.</p> + +<p>"Ah, he is really ours," said she.</p> + +<p>"If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess +yourself to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a +lieutenant."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!"</p> + +<p>"Who is he?"</p> + +<p>"It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man +that I don't know."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut +her speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an +imperial glance, cried--</p> + +<p>"Kill me if you will, but touch me not."</p> + +<p>"You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you +for a chastisement more ample then death."</p> + +<p>And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices +familiar to women in these desperate situations, of which they +study night and day the variations, by themselves, or between +themselves, he departed with this rude and bitter speech. He went +instantly to interrogate his servants, presenting to them a face +divinely terrible; so all of them replied to him as they would to +God the Father on the Judgment Day, when each of us will be +called to his account.</p> + +<p>None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom +of these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but +from all that they said, the constable came to the conclusion +that no male in his house was in the business, except one of his +dogs, whom he found dumb, and to whom he had given the post of +watching the gardens; so taking him in his hands, he strangled +him with rage. This fact incited him by induction to suppose that +the other constable came into his house by the garden, of which +the only entrance was a postern opening on to the water side.</p> + +<p>It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, +the locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable +situation near to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has +since been built the hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present +time, the residence of d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in +Rue St. Antoine, was fortified at all points, and the high walls +by the river side, in face of the Ile du Vaches, in the part +where now stands the port of La Greve, were furnished with little +towers. The design of these has for a long time been shown at the +house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The constable +ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest +stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present +case, that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare +in the trap. "'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, +and I have the time now to think how I shall finish him off."</p> + +<p>Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain +who waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded +for the assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of +his most loyal and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay +tower, ordering them under the heaviest penalties to draw without +distinction of persons, except his wife, on those of his +household who should attempt to leave the gardens, and to admit +therein, either by night or by day, the favoured gentleman. The +same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St Antoine.</p> + +<p>The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave +the house under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of +the hotel having been committed to the soldiers of a company of +ordnance, who were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side +streets, it was certain that the unknown lover to whom the +constable was indebted for his pair of horns, would be taken +warm, when, knowing nothing, he should come at the accustomed +hour of love to insolently plant his standard in the heart of the +legitimate appurtenances of the said lord count.</p> + +<p>It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless +he was seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. +Peter by the Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of +the sea the day when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as +solid as terra firma.</p> + +<p>The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and +was obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing +his intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to +invite her young gallant to that charming duel in which she was +always the stronger.</p> + +<p>While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of +spies and of death, and hiding his people near the postern to +seize the gallant as he came out, not knowing where he would +spring from, his wife was not amusing herself by threading peas +nor seeking black cows in the embers. First, the maid-servant who +had been stuck, unstuck herself and dragged herself to her +mistress; she told her that her outraged lord knew nothing, and +that before giving up the ghost she would comfort her dear +mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect confidence +in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was willing to +let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to please +Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the +neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the +Trahoir cross among the common people, and fertile in invention +for the desperate cases of love.</p> + +<p>Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, +the countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and +join her in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save +Savoisy, even at the price of her future salvation.</p> + +<p>First of all the two women determined to let him know their +lord and master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful.</p> + +<p>Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a +mule, attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a +man-at-arms who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the +wash-tub. Then she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the +soldier on his weak side, and she tickled him so with her +fondling that he romped very well with her, although he was +armour-plated ready for battle; but when the game was over he +still refused to let her go into the street and although she +tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the handsomest, +believing them more gallant: neither the archers, men-at- arms, +nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of the +house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not +to render me a like service."</p> + +<p>Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came +back in great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the +strange machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh +council and had not considered, the time it takes to sing +Alleluia, twice, these warlike appearances, watches, defences, +and equivocal, specious, and diabolical orders and dispositions +before they recognised by the sixth sense with which all females +are furnished, the special danger which threatened the poor +lover.</p> + +<p>Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the +house, ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not +go the length of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four +of his pages to be always on duty ready to accompany the +countess, and two of the ensigns of his company not to leave her. +Then the poor lady returned to her chamber, weeping as much as +all the Magdalens one sees in the church pictures, could weep +together.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall +never see him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose +manners were so graceful, that lovely head that had so often +rested on my knees, will now be bruised . . . What! Can I not +throw to my husband an empty and valueless head in place of the +one full of charms and worth . . . a rank head for a +sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in +the garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, +and wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him +out through the postern.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the two women looked at each other with +assassinating eyes.</p> + +<p>"This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will +fly away like geese."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?"</p> + +<p>And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her +head, "No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt +without stint."</p> + +<p>Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly +kissed the laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's +life by your counsel, I will pay you for his life until +death."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a +bride, took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards +the Church of St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that +the last Mass was about to be said. In this sweet devotion the +countess never failed, being a showy woman, like all the ladies +of the court. Now this was called the full-dress Mass, because +none but fops, fashionables, young gentlemen and ladies puffed +out and highly scented, were to be met there. In fact no dresses +was seen there without armorial bearings, and no spurs that were +not gilt.</p> + +<p>So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the +laundress much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about +her, and came with great pomp to the church, accompanied by her +pages, the two ensigns and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to +say that among the band of gallant knights who frisked round the +ladies in church, the countess had more than one whose joy she +was, and who had given his heart to her, after the fashion of +youths who put down enough and to spare upon their tablets, only +in order to make a conquest of at least one out of a great +number.</p> + +<p>Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked +oftener between the benches and the paternosters than towards the +altar and the priests, there was one upon whom the countess +sometimes bestowed the charity of a glance, because he was less +trifling and more deeply smitten than all the others.</p> + +<p>This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same +pillar, never moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight +alone of this lady whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was +softly melancholy. His physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one +of those which nourish ardent passions and plunge delightedly +into the despairs of love without hope. Of these people there are +few, because ordinarily one likes more a certain thing than the +unknown felicities lying and flourishing at the bottommost depths +of the soul.</p> + +<p>This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and +clean and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in +the arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor +knight seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for +his portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, +partly because she was well beloved by him and a little because +he had a good countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, +and remained humble and submissive in all, the constable's wife +desired for him the favour of women and of fortune, not to let +his gallantry stand idle, and from a good housewifely idea, she +fired his imagination according to her fantasies, by certain +small favours and little looks which serpented towards him like +biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this young life, +like a princess accustomed to play with objects more precious +than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole +kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three +days since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's +wife pointed out to the queen this follower of love, said +laughingly--</p> + +<p>"There's a man of quality."</p> + +<p>This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it +became a custom so to designate the people of the court. It was +to the wife of the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, +that the French language is indebted for this charming +expression.</p> + +<p>By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly +concerning this gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named +Julien de Boys-Bourredon, who not having inherited on his estate +enough to make a toothpick, and knowing no other wealth than the +rich nature with which his dead mother had opportunely furnished +him, conceived the idea of deriving therefrom both rent and +profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are of those good +revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can stand being +looked at between two suns. There are many like him who have thus +taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, far +from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and +all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the +triumphant beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in +love, which was a grand thing for his crowns, because he lost +both thirst and appetite. This love is of the worst kind, because +it incites you to the love of diet, during the diet of love; a +double malady, of which one is sufficient to extinguish a +man.</p> + +<p>Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had +thought, and towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his +death.</p> + +<p>On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his +pleasure, awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man +longs for the sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned +away her eyes, and wished to go to the queen and request her +assistance in this desperate case, for she took pity on her +lover, but one of the captains said to her, with great appearance +of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to allow you to speak +with man or woman, even though it should be the queen or your +confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are at +stake."</p> + +<p>"Is it not your business to die?" said she.</p> + +<p>"And also to obey," replied the soldier.</p> + +<p>Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and +again regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and +more deeply lined than ever it had been.</p> + +<p>"Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he +is half dead as it is."</p> + +<p>With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said +gentleman one of those warm ogles that are only allowable to +princesses and harlots, and the false love which her lovely eyes +bore witness to, gave a pleasant pang to the gallant of the +pillar. Who does not love the warm attack of life when it flows +thus round the heart and engulfs everything?</p> + +<p>Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds +of women, the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer +which, without saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in +fact, the blushes which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than +the best speeches of the Greek and Latin orators, and were well +understood. At this sweet sight, the countess, to make sure that +it was not a freak of nature, took pleasure in experimentalising +how far the virtue of her eyes would go, and after having heated +her slave more than thirty times, she was confirmed in her belief +that he would bravely die for her. This idea so touched her, that +from three repetitions between her orisons she was tickled with +the desire to put into a lump all the joys of man, and to +dissolve them for him in one single glance of love, in order that +she should not one day be reproached with having not only +dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this gentleman. +When the officiating priest turned round to sing the Off you go +to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the +side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him +and endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking +glance that he was to follow her, and to make positive the +intelligence and significant interpretation of this gentle +appeal, the artful jade turned round again a little after passing +him to again request his company. She saw that he had moved a +little from his place, and dared not advance, so modest was he, +but upon this last sign, the gentleman, sure of not being +over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and noiseless +steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one of +those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked +behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed +upon him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the +better to draw him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the +lines in order to hook the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess +practiced so well the profession of the daughters of pleasure +when they work to bring grist into their mills, that one would +have said nothing resembled a harlot so much as a woman of high +birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch of her hotel the +countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned her face +towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, +discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the +queen of his heart, believing himself to be called by her. +Thereupon, she offered him her hand, and both boiling and +trembling from the contrary causes found themselves inside the +house. At this wretched hour, Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of +having done all these harlotries to the profit of death, and of +betraying Savoisy the better to save him; but this slight remorse +was lame as the greater, and came tardily. Seeing everything +ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's arm, and +said to him--</p> + +<p>"Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak +with you."</p> + +<p>And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice +wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness +choke him.</p> + +<p>When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly +hooked, "Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at +such work." Then she honoured this courtier with a profound +salutation, in which was depicted the ironical respect due to +those who have the great courage to die for so little.</p> + +<p>"Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to +her by the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the +reward with which I am about to pay his silent love and his +charming belief in the loyalty of women."</p> + +<p>"Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by +the postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one +die for something? I'll produce another like him if that will +console you."</p> + +<p>"Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. +That will be the punishment for my sins."</p> + +<p>Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain +trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be +disturbed in the interview she had promised him, the unknown +lover kept at a discreet distance, looking at the flies. +Nevertheless, he thought that the countess was very bold, but +also, as even a hunchback would have done, he found a thousand +reasons to justify her, and thought himself quite worthy to +inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good thoughts +when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and +invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast +aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the +feet of this gentleman, became a simple woman.</p> + +<p>"Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. +Listen. On your departure from this house, you will meet your +death. The love which I feel for another has bewildered me, and +without being able to hold his place here, you will have to take +it before his murderers. This is the joy to which I have bidden +you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his +heart a dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use +of me as of something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love +you so much that every day you I have dreamed of offering you in +imitation of the ladies, a thing that can be given but once. +Take, then, my life!"</p> + +<p>And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to +suffice for all the time he would have been able to look at her +through the long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, +Bonne rose suddenly.</p> + +<p>"Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said +she.</p> + +<p>"Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. +"My horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great +lady. Ah, God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell +my life dearly, but I shall die content in thinking that my +decease ensures the happiness of her I love. I should live better +in her memory than in reality." At the sight of the gesture and +the beaming face of this courageous man, the constable's wife was +pierced to the heart. But soon she was wounded to the quick +because he seemed to wish to leave her without even asking of her +the smallest favour.</p> + +<p>"Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt +to kiss him.</p> + +<p>"Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear +the fire of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by +attaching too great a value to my life?"</p> + +<p>"Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not +know what the end of all this will be, but come--afterwards we +will go and perish together at the postern."</p> + +<p>The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had +struck for both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the +delicious excess of that mad fever which you know well I hope; +they fell into a profound forgetfulness of the dangers of +Savoisy, of themselves, of the constable, of death, of life, of +everything.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the +constable of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the +infatuated gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, +during Mass and on the road, the countess had given him in order +to prevent his destruction. They met their master arriving in +great haste at the postern, because on their side the archers of +the quay had whistled to him afar off, saying to him--</p> + +<p>"The Sire de Savoisy has passed in."</p> + +<p>And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like +all the lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the +count's spies and had slipped in at the postern. This collision +of lovers was the cause of the constable's cutting short the +words of those who came from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them +with a gesture of authority, that they did not think wise to +disregard--</p> + +<p>"I know that the animal is taken."</p> + +<p>Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said +postern, crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, +archers, the constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt +upon Charles Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under +the countess's window, where by a strange chance, the groans of +the poor young man were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the +yells of the soldiers, at the same time as passionate sighs and +cries were given forth by the two lovers, who hastened up in +great fear.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is +dying for me!"</p> + +<p>"But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall +esteem it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has +done."</p> + +<p>"Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I +hear the constable's footsteps."</p> + +<p>And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his +hand, and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, +Madame," said he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning +the duties of a wife towards her husband."</p> + +<p>"You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, +without changing colour. Savoisy was not my lover."</p> + +<p>And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable +with a face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine +audacity, that the husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who +has allowed a note to escape her below, before a numerous +company, and he was afraid of having made a mistake.</p> + +<p>"Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he.</p> + +<p>"I was dreaming of the king," said she.</p> + +<p>"Then, my dear, why not have told me so?"</p> + +<p>"Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were +in?"</p> + +<p>The constable scratched his ear and replied--</p> + +<p>"But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the +goodness to believe what I have said to you."</p> + +<p>And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock +turned by the wind, pretending to go and look after the household +affairs. You can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed +with the head of poor Savoisy, and that for his part +Boys-Bourredon had no desire to cough while listening to the +count, who was growling to himself all sorts of words. At length +the constable struck two heavy blows over the table and said, +"I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." Then he departed, +and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped from the house +in some disguise or other.</p> + +<p>Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all +that a woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more +than wept, he was regretted; for the countess having related this +adventure to Queen Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon +from the service of her cousin and put him to her own, so much +was she touched with the qualities and firm courage of this +gentleman.</p> + +<p>Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to +the ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything +in the lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that +having badly treated King Charles one day when the poor man was +in his proper senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed +the king of his cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in +a sack and thrown into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as +everyone knows. I have no need add, that since the day when the +constable took it into his head to play thoughtlessly with +knives, his good wife utilised so well the two deaths he had +caused and threw them so often in his face, that she made him as +soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road of marriage; +and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's lady, as +indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims of +great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good +laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high +taste, I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is +this: That women need never lose their heads in serious cases, +because the God of Love never abandons them, especially when they +are beautiful, young, and of good family; and that gallants when +going to keep an amorous assignation should never go there like +giddy young men, but carefully, and keep a sharp look-out near +the burrow, to avoid falling into certain traps and to preserve +themselves; for after a good woman the most precious thing is, +certes, a pretty gentleman.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE MAID OF THILOUSE</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is +not far from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by +reason of taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or +sickness, allowed her good husband to abstain from those +pleasures stipulated for in all contracts of marriage. In order +to be just, it should be stated that the above-mentioned lord was +a dirty and ill-favoured person, always hunting wild animals and +not the more entertaining than is a room full of smoke. And what +is more, the said sportsman was all sixty years of age, on which +subject, however, he was a silent as a hempen widow on the +subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, the bandy-legged, +the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here below, and +have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,--since, like +workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,--gives the same +appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every +beast finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, +"There is no pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a +cover." Now the lord of Valennes searched everywhere for nice +little pots to cover, and often in addition to wild, he hunted +tame animals; but this kind of game was scarce in the land, and +it was an expensive affair to discover a maid. At length however +by reason of much ferreting about and much enquiry, it happened +that the lord of Valennes was informed that in Thilouse was the +widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in the person of a +little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never allowed to +leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal +forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature +demanded her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own +bed, watched over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to +such a work that between the twain they gained about eight +pennies a day. On fete days she took her to the church, scarcely +giving her a spare moment to exchange a merry word with the young +people; above all was she strict in keeping hands off the +maiden.</p> + +<p>But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her +daughter had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, +and as they lodged with one of their poor relations, they often +wanted wood in winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to +frighten sergeants of justice, men who are not easily frightened +at the debts of others; in short, while the daughter was +increasing in beauty, the mother was increasing in poverty, and +ran into debt on account of her daughter's virginity, as an +alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is cast. As soon +as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day the said +lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the two +spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to +Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool +between the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half +light of the cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of +Thilouse; her arms were red and firm, her breasts hard as +bastions, which kept the cold from her heart, her waist round as +a young oak and all fresh and clean and pretty, like the first +frost, green and tender as an April bud; in fact, she resembled +all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes of a modest and +virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the Virgin, for +she was less forward, never having had a child.</p> + +<p>Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would +have said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so +little open to the comprehensions of the thing.</p> + +<p>The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the +maid and stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, +which the mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of +the lord to whom the whole of the country belonged. When the +fagot was put into the grate and flared up, the good hunter said +to the old woman, "Ah, ah! that warms one almost as much as your +daughter's eyes."</p> + +<p>"But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on +that fire."</p> + +<p>"Oh yes," replied he.</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has +need of a good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every +day."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?"</p> + +<p>"Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give +you a measure of corn in season."</p> + +<p>"Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?"</p> + +<p>"In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence.</p> + +<p>"But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything."</p> + +<p>"Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, +flagons, a good bed with curtains, and everything."</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, +I have no house."</p> + +<p>"You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La +Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was +ripped up by a boar?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the old woman.</p> + +<p>"Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of +your days."</p> + +<p>"By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do +you mean what you say?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, what will you give my daughter?"</p> + +<p>"All that she is willing to gain in my service."</p> + +<p>"Oh! my lord, you are a joking."</p> + +<p>"No," said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million +saints who are in heaven, I swear that--"</p> + +<p>"Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots +to pass through the hands of the notary."</p> + +<p>"By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I +not a gentleman? Is not my word good enough?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a +poor spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too +young and weak at present, she will break down in service. +Yesterday, in his sermon, the vicar said that we should have to +answer to God for our children."</p> + +<p>"There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary."</p> + +<p>An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a +contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not +knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed--</p> + +<p>"Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable +to God for the virtue of your child."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my +child is quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, +"Marie Fiquet, that which is dearest to you is your honour, and +there where you are going everyone, without counting my lord, +will try to rob you of it, but you see well what it is worth; for +that reason do not lose it save willingly and in proper manner. +Now in order not to contaminate your virtue before God and before +man, except for a legitimate motive, take heed that your chance +of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise you will go to +the bad."</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear mother," replied the maid.</p> + +<p>And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and +came to the chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who +found her both pretty and to her taste.</p> + +<p>When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other +places, learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, +the good housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more +profitable than virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their +daughters virtuous, but the business was as risky as that of +rearing silkworms, which are liable to perish, since innocence is +like a medlar, and ripens quickly on the straw. There were, +however, some girls noted for it in Touraine, who passed for +virgins in the convents of the religious, but I cannot vouch for +these, not having proceeded to verify them in the manner laid +down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect virtue of +women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of her +mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied +words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured +with a promise of marriage.</p> + +<p>When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up +like a cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell +Madame!" In short at the end of six months he had not even +recovered the price of a single fagot. From her labour Marie +Fiquet became harder and firmer. Sometimes she would reply to the +gentle request of her master, "When you have taken it from me +will you give it me back again?"</p> + +<p>Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a +sieve not one should be for you, so ugly do I think you."</p> + +<p>The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of +innocence, and ceased not make little signs to her, long +harangues and a hundred vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing +the fine breasts of the maid, her plump hips, which at certain +movements came into prominent relief, and by reason of admiring +other things capable of inflaming the mind of a saint, this dear +men became enamoured of her with an old man's passion, which +augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to the passions of +young men, because the old men love with their weakness which +grows greater, and the young with their strength which grows +less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for +refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose +age was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought +to marry in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet +was the very girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained +three hundred pounds by different services about the house, +desired to live quietly without opening the front door again; but +his good master begged him to marry to please him, assuring him +that he need not trouble about his wife. So the good steward +wandered out of sheer good nature into this marriage. The day of +the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not able to find +objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat settlement +and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the old +knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as +many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But +at his age a bushel was sufficient.</p> + +<p>The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his +wife had retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, +well-carpeted, and pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his +money, his fagots, his house, his wheat, and his steward. To be +brief, know that he found the maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl +in the world, as pretty as anything, by the soft light of the +fire which was gleaming in the chimney, snug between the sheets, +and with a sweet odour about her, as a young maiden should have, +and in fact he had no regret for the great price of this jewel. +Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying over the first +mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her more as a +past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too much +gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet +business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a +minute or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, +as I think you are, give a little more swing to your bells."</p> + +<p>From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, +Marie Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, +"She is a maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to +signify a "fricquenelle."</p> + +<p>"Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in +your arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up +in the philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there +are many people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, +which is often met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and +there are always good maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, +and elsewhere. Now if you asked me in what consists, or where +comes in, the moral of this tale? I am at liberty to reply to the +ladies; that the Cent Contes Drolatiques are made more to teach +the moral of pleasure than to procure the pleasure of pointing a +moral. But if it were a used up old rascal who asked me, I should +say to him with all the respect due to his yellow or grey locks; +that God wishes to punish the lord of Valennes, for trying to +purchase a jewel made to be given.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the +name, who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a +ceremony of which the usage has since become much weakened, and +which has altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good +things of the olden times. This fine and noble custom was the +choice which all knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having +recognised each other as two loyal and brave men, each one of +this pretty couple was married for life to the other; both became +brothers, the one had to defend the other in battling against the +enemies who threatened him, and at Court against the friends who +slandered him. In the absence of his companion the other was +expected to say to one who should have accused his good brother +of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied by +your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the +one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the +one was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or +evil, and that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were +better than the brothers who are only united by the hazard of +nature, since they were fraternised by the bonds of an especial +sentiment, involuntary and mutual, and thus the fraternity of +arms has produced splendid characters, as brave as those of the +ancient Greeks, Romans, or others. . . . But this is not my +subject; the history of these things has been written by the +historians of our country, and everyone knows them.</p> + +<p>Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one +was the Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, +became brothers- in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They +were leaving the house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had +been nourished with the good doctrines of this great Captain, and +had shown how contagious is valour in such good company, for at +the battle of Ravenna they merited the praises of the oldest +knights. It was in the thick of this fierce fight that Maille, +saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he had had a quarrel or +two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble heart. As they had +each received slashes in the doublets, they baptised their +fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to together in +one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de Montmorency +their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary to the +custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, the +Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had +scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was +lithe as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King +Pepin, who was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the +Sieur de Lavalliere was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have +been invented rich laces, silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His +long dark locks were pretty as a lady's ringlets, and he was, to +be brief, a child with whom all the women would be glad to play. +One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, said laughingly to the +Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these little jokes, "that +this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which caused the +pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only sixteen, +he took this gallantry as a reproach.</p> + +<p>Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the +slipper of marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had +obtained for him in the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who +was a graceful maiden of good appearance, and well furnished with +everything, having a splendid hotel in the Rue Barbette, with +handsome furniture and Italian paintings and many considerable +lands to inherit. Some days after the death of King Francis--a +circumstance which planted terror in the heart of everyone, +because his said Majesty had died in consequence of an attack of +the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there would be +no security even with princesses of the highest birth--the +above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go +and arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You +may be sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so +young, so delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, +temptations, snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, +which comprised so many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud +of mein, and as fond of women as the people are partial to +Paschal hams. In this state of intense jealousy everything made +him ill at ease; but by dint of much thinking, it occurred to him +to make sure of his wife in the manner about to be related. He +invited his good brother-in-arms to come at daybreak on the +morning of his departure. Now directly he heard Lavalliere's +horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his sweet +and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep +so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to +him, and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the +window, greeted each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and +immediately Lavalliere said to Maille--</p> + +<p>"I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, +but I had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an +assignation; I could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her +at dawn. Shall I accompany thee? I have told her of thy +departure, she has promised me to remain without any amour; we +have made a compact. If she deceives me--well a friend is worth +more than a mistress!"</p> + +<p>"Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with +these words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of +thy brave heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her +against all, be her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for +the integrity of my head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, +in the green-room, and be my wife's cavalier."</p> + +<p>Lavalliere knitted his brow and said--</p> + +<p>"It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded +people, who will take advantage of this to entangle us like +skeins of silk."</p> + +<p>"Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere +to his breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I +should have the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less +grieved if it were to your advantage. But by my faith I should +die of grief, for my life is bound up in my good, young, virtuous +wife."</p> + +<p>Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that +Lavalliere should not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the +fine courtier saw this flow of water, and taking the hand of +Maille--</p> + +<p>"Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a +man, that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have +felt my dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should +die, thou shalt find her on thy return, intact in body if not in +heart, because thought is beyond the control of gentlemen."</p> + +<p>"It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall +always be thy servant and thy debtor!"</p> + +<p>Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated +with the tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief +which ladies make use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere +having conducted him to the gate of the town, came back to the +hotel, waited until Marie d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her +of the departure of her good husband, and offered to place +himself at her orders, in such a graceful manner, that the most +virtuous woman would have been tickled with a desire to keep such +a knight to herself. But there was no need of this fine +paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had +listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly +offended at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In +all the ideas of men there is always a bad side, and it is +therefore a great science in life, but an impossible science, to +take hold of everything, even a stick by the right end. The cause +of the great difficulty there is in pleasing the ladies is, that +there is it in them a thing which is more woman than they are, +and but for the respect which is due to them, I would use another +word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of this malevolent +thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to rend a man's +heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect submission to +them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to solve the +most agonising enigma of marriage.</p> + +<p>Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers +of this gallant; but there was something in her smile which +indicated a malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention +of putting her young guardian between honour and pleasure; to +regale him so with love, to surround him with so many little +attentions, to pursue him with such warm glances, that he would +be faithless to friendship, to the advantage of gallantry.</p> + +<p>Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her +design, because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere +would be obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, +and as there is nothing in the world can turn a woman from her +whim, at every turn the artful jade was ready to catch him in a +trap.</p> + +<p>At times she would make him remain seated near her by the +fire, until twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and +at every opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white +temptations of which her corset was full, and casting upon him a +thousand piercing glances, all without showing in her face the +thoughts that surged in her brain.</p> + +<p>At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the +gardens of the hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, +sighing, and making him tie the laces of her little shoes, which +were always coming undone in that particular place. Then it would +be those soft words and things which the ladies understand so +well, little attentions paid to a guest, such as coming in to see +if he were comfortable, if his bed were well made, the room +clean, if the ventilation were good, if he felt any draughts in +the night, if the sun came in during the day, and asking him to +forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying--</p> + +<p>"Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, +such as honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will +conform mine to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. +Come--"</p> + +<p>She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a +hundred affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room +she would say--</p> + +<p>"I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone--I +will go." And always was she graciously invited to remain.</p> + +<p>And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing +samples of her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, +even were he as much battered by time as must have been Mr. +Methusaleh, with his nine hundred and sixty years.</p> + +<p>That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go +on with her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with +him, since it was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he +always called her absent husband to the lady's mind.</p> + +<p>Now one evening--the day had been very warm--Lavalliere +suspecting the lady's games, told her that Maille loved her +dearly, that she had in him a man of honour, a gentleman who +doted on her, and was ticklish on the score of his crown.</p> + +<p>"Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed +you here?"</p> + +<p>"Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not +necessary to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not +that it needs one save to protect you from wicked men."</p> + +<p>"Then you are my guardian?" said she.</p> + +<p>"I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice."</p> + +<p>This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly +lascivious that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of +reproach, a severe countenance, and left the fair lady alone, +much piqued at this refusal to commence love's conflict.</p> + +<p>She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the +real obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible +that it should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could +despise that bagatelle which is of such great price and so high +value. Now these thoughts knitted and joined together so well, +one fitting into the other, that out of little pieces she +constructed a perfect whole, and found herself desperately in +love; which should teach the ladies never to play with a man's +weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick to the +fingers.</p> + +<p>By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she +should have known at the commencement--viz., that to keep clear +of her snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other +lady, and looking round her, to see where her young guest could +have found a needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair +Limeuil, one of Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, +d'Estree, and de Giac, all of whom were declared friends of +Lavalliere, and of the lot he must love one to distraction.</p> + +<p>From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the +others which tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not +wish to wound, but to perfume, kiss his head, and treat +kindly.</p> + +<p>She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising +and gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious +decree of her imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and +springs of conscience, and physical causes which affect women, +she returned to the charge, to commence a fresh assault upon the +heart of the chevalier, for the ladies like that which is well +fortified.</p> + +<p>Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, +became so sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one +evening when she was in a desponding state, although merry enough +in her inmost soul, the guardian-brother asked her--</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with you?"</p> + +<p>To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him +as the sweetest music--</p> + +<p>That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that +she was very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that +her husband did not understand her, and that her life was full of +tears. In fact, that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she +confessed in marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse +of pleasure. And she added, that surely this holy state should be +full of sweetmeats and dainties of love, because all the ladies +hurried into it, and hated and were jealous of those who out-bid +them, for it cost certain people pretty dear; that she was so +curious about it that for one good day or night of love, she +would give her life, and always be obedient to her lover without +a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner than all others +try the experiment would not listen to her; that, nevertheless, +the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so great was +her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he still +refused it would kill her.</p> + +<p>And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the +ladies at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, +interrupted with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with +quiverings, appeals to heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings +and clutchings at her hair. In fact, no ingredient of temptation +was lacking in the dish, and at the bottom of all these words +there was a nipping desire which embellished even its blemishes. +The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and weeping took them +and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman was quite +delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too +carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her +dress to him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the +ground it must be taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was +written that for that evening she should be good, for the +handsome Lavalliere said to her with despair--</p> + +<p>"Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said she.</p> + +<p>"Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me."</p> + +<p>"How?" said she.</p> + +<p>"I dare not confess my situation to you!"</p> + +<p>"Is it then very bad?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, you will be ashamed of me!"</p> + +<p>"Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning +madame hid her face is such a way that she could look at her +well-beloved between her fingers.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in +such gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not +knowing my happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my +flame to you, I ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and +there for love of you, and to save the honour of my brother whose +head I should blush to dishonour, I was so badly infected that I +am in great danger of dying of the Italian sickness."</p> + +<p>The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman +in labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle +little gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable +state, went out of the room, but he had not even reached the +tapestries of the door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated +him, saying to herself, "Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a +state of great melancholy, pitying in herself the gentleman, and +became the more in love with him because he was fruit three times +forbidden.</p> + +<p>"But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she +thought him handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your +disease. Together we should then have the same terrors."</p> + +<p>"I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good."</p> + +<p>And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can +imagine that being unable to refuse to receive the burning +glances of the lady, during meal times, and the evenings, there +was a fire nourished that warmed them both, but she was compelled +to live without touching her cavalier, otherwise than with her +eyes. Thus occupied, Marie d'Annebaut was fortified at every +point against the gallants of the Court, for there are no bounds +so impassable as those of love, and no better guardian; it is +like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches it surrounds with +flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his friend's wife +to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the fair +Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights +carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. +Now all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time +was thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before +taking their places in the quadrille, she had given him the +sweetest of assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our +great Queen Catherine, who from political motives fermented these +loves and stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires +burn by poking, glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in +the quadrille, and said to her husband--</p> + +<p>"When they combat here, can they conspire against you, +eh?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! but the Protestants?"</p> + +<p>"Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look +at Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted +by my dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for +a young lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his +list."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is +ruined through that same sickness of Naples which made you +queen."</p> + +<p>At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the +king, who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the +thing ran round the room. This brought endless shame and mockery +upon Lavalliere. The poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon +wished somebody else in his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals +had not been slow laughingly to warn of her danger, appeared to +shrink from her lover, so rapid was the spread, and so violent +the apprehensions of this nasty disease. Thus Lavalliere found +himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The king made an +offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the ball-room, +followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in every +way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and +marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance +as a fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised +by this love sickness, lost through it their greatest +attractions, as well as their generative powers, and their bones +went black.</p> + +<p>Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with +the finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of +being one of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very +precious scabby ones. . . . ."</p> + +<p>As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his +companion said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where +the fete had been held--</p> + +<p>"My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief."</p> + +<p>"Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but +into what a predicament have you fallen? You should not have been +aware of the danger of my love."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; +in exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be +forever your friend, your hostess, and your lady-love--more than +that, your servant. My determination is to devote myself to you +and efface the traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and +ward; and if the learned in these matters declare that the +disease has such a hold of you that it will kill you like our +defunct sovereign, I must still have your company in order to die +gloriously in dying of your complaint. Even then," said she, +weeping, "that will not be penance enough to atone for the wrong +I have done you."</p> + +<p>These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous +heart waxed faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, +terrified, caught her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a +breast of matchless beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of +this beloved hand, experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly +to make her again unconscious.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for +the future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a +hundred times better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he +is bestowing on me. . . . Leave your hand there," said she; +"verily it is upon my soul, and touches it."</p> + +<p>At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and +innocently confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much +pleasure at this touch that the pains of his malady increased, +and that death was preferable to this martyrdom.</p> + +<p>"Let us die then," said she.</p> + +<p>But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the +means of death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, +heavily weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair +Limeuil, and Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without +parallel.</p> + +<p>From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found +himself under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer +appear in public, and he found how much it costs to guard the +virtue of a woman; but the more honour and virtue he displayed +the more pleasure did he experience in these great sacrifices +offered at the shrine of brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was +very bitter, very ticklish, and intolerable to perform, towards +the last days of his guard. And in this way.</p> + +<p>The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, +the wrong done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an +unknown pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a +platonic love, gently tempered with those little indulgences in +which there is no danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical +pleasures of the game invented by the ladies, who since the death +of Francis the First feared the contagion, but wished to gratify +their lovers. To these cruel delights, in order to properly play +his part, Lavalliere could not refuse his sanction. Thus every +evening the mournful Marie would attach her guest to her +petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with burning glances, +her cheek placed gently against his, and during this virtuous +embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a holy +water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless +since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied +desire. All the fire with which the ladies endow their +substantial amours, when the night has no other lights than their +eyes, she transferred into the mystic motions of her head, the +exultations of her soul, and the ecstasies of her heart. Then, +naturally, and with the delicious joy of two angels united by +thought alone, they intoned together those sweet litanies +repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of love--anthems +which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved from +oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, +according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I +have seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit +of Christians.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my +life, my joy and my treasure."</p> + +<p>"And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel."</p> + +<p>"Thou art my seraphim."</p> + +<p>"You my soul."</p> + +<p>"Thou my God."</p> + +<p>"You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, +my universe."</p> + +<p>"Thou my great my divine master."</p> + +<p>"You my glory, my faith, my religion."</p> + +<p>"Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my +dear one, my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love. "</p> + +<p>"You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my +nights."</p> + +<p>"Thou my thought at every moment."</p> + +<p>"You the delights of my eyes."</p> + +<p>"Thou the voice of my soul."</p> + +<p>"You my light by day."</p> + +<p>"Thou my glimmer in the night."</p> + +<p>"You the best beloved among women."</p> + +<p>"Thou the most adored of men."</p> + +<p>"You my blood, a myself better than myself."</p> + +<p>"Thou art my heart, my lustre."</p> + +<p>"You my saint, my only joy."</p> + +<p>"I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I +believe thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord."</p> + +<p>"No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie."</p> + +<p>"No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst +crush to atoms."</p> + +<p>"No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom +you see as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a +carpet. My heart is your throne."</p> + +<p>"No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me."</p> + +<p>"Your regard burns me."</p> + +<p>"I see but thee."</p> + +<p>"I love but you."</p> + +<p>"Oh! put thine hand upon my heart--only thine hand--and thou +will see me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of +thine."</p> + +<p>Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed +still more brightly, and the good knight was a little the +accomplice of the pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling +his hand upon her heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their +strength was put forth, all their desires strained, all their +ideas of the thing concentrated, it happened that the knight's +transport reached a climax. Their eyes wept warm tears, they +seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes houses; but that +was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and sound to his +friend the body only, not the heart.</p> + +<p>When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no +virtue could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less +licence the lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their +fantasies.</p> + +<p>Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as +far as Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the +forest without accident, and the two brothers slept together, +according to the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy.</p> + +<p>There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the +adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, +stories of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question +was touching Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact +in that precious place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at +which the amorous Maille was highly delighted.</p> + +<p>On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great +disgust of Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made +a great fuss with her good husband, but with her finger she +indicated her heart in an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one +who said, "This is thine!"</p> + +<p>At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. +Maille was much grieved at this resolution, and wished to +accompany his brother; that Lavalliere refused him point +blank.</p> + +<p>"Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than +life, but not more than honour."</p> + +<p>He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched +hearing him, because never in their amorous dalliance had there +been so much true love as in this speech. Maille insisted on +keeping his friend company as far as Meaux. When he came back he +was talking over with his wife the unknown reasons and secret +causes of this departure, when Marie, who suspected the grief of +poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is ashamed to stop here because +he has the Neapolitan sickness."</p> + +<p>"He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were +in bed together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at +Meaux. There's nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a +bell."</p> + +<p>The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the +sublime resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of +this internal passion. But as she still kept her love in the +recesses of her heart, she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, +as has been elsewhere related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome +in his tittle-tattle.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>In those days the priests no longer took any woman in +legitimate marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they +could get; which custom has since been interdicted by the +council, as everyone knows, because, indeed, it was not pleasant +that the private confessions of people should be retold to a +wench who would laugh at them, besides the other secret +doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and speculations which +are part and parcel of the politics of the Church of Rome. The +last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman in his +parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain +vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as +Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the +marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were +not averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant +as some may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding +bishop, still held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of +the Armagnacs had not finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did +well to have his vicarage in that age, since he was well shapen, +of a high colour, stout, big, strong, eating and drinking like a +convalescent, and indeed, was always rising from a little malady +that attacked him at certain times; and, later on, he would have +been his own executioner, had he determined to observe his +canonical continence. Add to this that he was a Tourainian, id +est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, and water to +quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting or +quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A +handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always +blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to +funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. +There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; +others who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but +all of them together would hardly make up the sterling worth of +this aforesaid vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post +with benedictions, has held it with joy, and in it has consoled +the afflicted, all so well, that no one saw him come out of his +house without wishing to be in his heart, so much was he beloved. +It was he who first said in a sermon that the devil was not so +black as he was painted, and who for Madame de Cande transformed +partridges into fish saying that the perch of the Indre were +partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, partridges perch +in the air. He never played artful tricks under the cloak of +morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a good +bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and +wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those +who came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his +hand was always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else +was so firm) at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and +he endeavoured to heal all their wounds. There have been many +good stories told concerning this king of vicars. It was he who +caused such hearty laughter at the wedding of the lord of +Valennes, near Sacche. The mother of the said lord had a good +deal to do with the victuals, roast meats and other delicacies, +of which there was sufficient quantity to feed a small town at +least, and it is true, at the same time, that people came to the +wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, from Langeais, +and from everywhere, and stopped eight days.</p> + +<p>Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the +company were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who +wished to inform Madame that all the elementary substances and +fat rudiments, syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a +pudding of great delicacy, the secret compilation, mixing, and +manipulation of which she wished herself to superintend, +intending it as a special treat for her daughter-in-law's +relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the cheek, telling him +that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to people of +high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said message. +The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of his +left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the +middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady +of Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who +did not understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame +get up and go to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the +pudding, and not to that which the others imagined.</p> + +<p>But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this +worthy pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical +authorities allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did +not want for domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it +an honour to lend him theirs, the more readily because he was not +the man to spoil anything, and was careful to clean them out +thoroughly, the dear man. But here are the facts. One evening the +good man came home to supper with a melancholy face, because he +had just put into the ground a good farmer, whose death came +about in a strange manner, and is still frequently talked about +in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end of his teeth, and +turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had been cooked in +his own special manner, his good woman said to him--</p> + +<p>"Have you passed before the Lombard (see MASTER CORNELIUS +passim), met two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his +grave, that you are so upset?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!"</p> + +<p>"Has anyone deceived you?"</p> + +<p>"Ha! Ha!"</p> + +<p>"Come, tell me!"</p> + +<p>"My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor +Cochegrue, and there is not at the present moment a good +housewife's tongue or a virtuous cuckold's lips that are not +talking about it."</p> + +<p>"And what was it?"</p> + +<p>"Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having +sold his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, +who, near Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest +cause, and poor Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his +profits. At the corner of the old road of the Landes de +Charlemagne, they came upon a stallion kept by the Sieur de la +Carte, in a field, in order to have a good breed of horses, +because the said animal was fleet of foot, as handsome as an +abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came to see +it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse +scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed +nor gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close +to the road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after +her, pawing the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the +artillery of a lover who longs for an embrace, giving forth +sounds to set the strongest teeth on edge, and so loudly, that +the people of Champy heard it and were much terrified +thereat.</p> + +<p>Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs +his amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the +good mare understands, obeys, and flies--flies like a bird, but a +bowshot off follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road +like a blacksmith beating iron, and at full speed, his mane +flying in the wind, replying to the sound of the mare's swift +gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! pat-a-pan! Then the good +farmer, feeling death following him in the love of the beast, +spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, until at last, +pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard of his +farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, +'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to +avoid the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with +passion, and growing more amorous every moment, to the great +danger of the mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not +go to open the stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the +kicks of the iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but +just as the good mare was half way through the door, the cursed +stallion seized her, squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with +his two legs gripped her, pinched her and held her tight, and at +the same time so kneaded and knocked about Cochegrue that there +was only found of him a shapeless mass, crushed like a nut after +the oil has been distilled from it. It was shocking to see him +squashed alive and mingling his cries with the loud love-sighs of +the horse."</p> + +<p>"Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench.</p> + +<p>"What!" said the priest astonished.</p> + +<p>"Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for +us."</p> + +<p>"There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man +threw her so angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so +violently that she split into pieces, and died immediately +without either surgeons or physicians being able to determine the +manner in which the solution of continuity was arrived at, so +violently disjointed were the hinges and mesial partitions. You +can imagine that he was a proud man, and a splendid vicar as has +been previously stated.</p> + +<p>The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he +was not to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the +circumstances.</p> + +<p>From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that +time, Que l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much +coarser in its actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies +I will not mention it. But this was not the only clever thing +that this great and noble vicar achieved, for before this +misfortune he did such a stroke of business that no robbers dare +ask him how many angels he had in his pocket, even had they been +twenty strong and over to attack him. One evening when his good +woman was still with him, after supper, during which he had +enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, and was +reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new barn +for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, +who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with +God, receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. +"He is a good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon +he passed into the church, took the silver box where the blessed +bread is, rang the little bell himself in order not to wake the +clerk, and went lightly and willingly along the roads. Near the +Gue-droit, which is a valley leading to the Indre across the +moors, our good vicar perceived a high toby. And what is a high +toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, what is that? That +means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, instructs +himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his +degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the +high toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great +value.</p> + +<p>"Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a +stone at the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without +moving."</p> + +<p>Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his +loaded stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he +gutted him with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. +Then he picked up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! +If I had relied upon thy providence, we should have been lost." +Now to utter these impious words on the road to Sacche was mere +waste of breath, seeing that he addressed them not to God, but to +the Archbishop of Tours, who have once severely rebuked him, +threatened him with suspension, and admonished him before the +Chapter for having publicly told certain lazy people that a good +harvest was not due to the grace of God, but to skilled labour +and hard work--a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. And indeed he +was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need both of one +and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could never +understand how crops could come without digging, if God so willed +it--a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, by +showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of +man. I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without +giving here one of the acts of his life, which proves with what +fervour he imitated the saints in the division of their goods and +mantles, which they gave formerly to the poor and the passers-by. +One day, returning from Tours, where he had been paying his +respects to the official, mounted on his mule, he was nearing +Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he met a pretty girl on +foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling like a dog; the +more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could scarcely raise one +foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, and the pretty +wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who was too good +a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded ones, +begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so +polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those +little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites +them to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with +the shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, +while the girl slipped now this way now that, riding so +uncomfortably that the priest pointed out to her, after leaving +Ballan, that she had better hold on to him; and immediately my +lady put her plump arms around the waist of her cavalier, in a +modest and timorous manner.</p> + +<p>"There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said +the vicar.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?"</p> + +<p>"I?" said the priest, "I am better than that."</p> + +<p>And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently +warmed in the back by two projections which rubbed against it, +and at last seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves +between his shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as +that was not the place for this white merchandise. By degrees the +movement of mule brought into conjunction the internal warmth of +these two good riders, and their blood coursed more quickly +through their veins, seeing that it felt the motion of the mule +as well as their own; and thus the good wench and the vicar +finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not those of the +mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and she with +him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself into +secret desires.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is +a fine cluster of trees which has grown very thick."</p> + +<p>"It is too near the road," replied the girl. "bad boys have +cut the branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves."</p> + +<p>"Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal +again.</p> + +<p>"No," said she.</p> + +<p>"Not at all?"</p> + +<p>"I'faith! No!"</p> + +<p>"What a shame, at your age!"</p> + +<p>"You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a +child is a bad bargain."</p> + +<p>Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing +that the canons say among other things that pastors should +indoctrinate their flock and show them the duties and +responsibilities of this life, he thought he would only be +discharging the functions of his office by showing her the burden +she would have one day to bear. Then he begged her gently not be +afraid, for if she would have faith in his loyalty no one should +ever know of the marital experiment which he proposed then and +there to perform with her; and as, since passing Ballan the girl +had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been carefully +sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the animal, she +replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get down." +Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that on +reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the +priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that +this discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran +into the thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, +calling out, "Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I +am."</p> + +<p>The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl +tumbled down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, +and there as he had rung the bell for mass he went through the +service for her, and both freely discounted the joys of paradise. +The good priest had it in his heart to thoroughly instruct her, +and found his pupil very docile, as gentle in mind as soft in the +flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was he much aggrieved at having +so much abridged the lessons by giving it at Azay, seeing that he +would have been quite willing to recommence it, like all of +precentors who say the same thing over and over again to their +pupils.</p> + +<p>"Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so +much fuss that we only came to an understanding close to +Azay?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan."</p> + +<p>To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in +his vicarage there was a great number of people, children and +others, who came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and +all exclaimed, "Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the +widows, the wives and little girls looked at each other, +regretting him more than a friend, and said, "He was more than a +priest, he was a man!" Of these vicars the seed is cast to the +winds, and they will never be reproduced in spite of the +seminaries.</p> + +<p>Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found +themselves still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had +succoured hobbled into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I +don't!" meaning to say, "Why did not death take me in his place?" +This made some of the people laugh, at which the shade of the +good vicar would certainly not have been displeased.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE REPROACH</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll +saying has already been given in this book, was a girl blessed +with as much cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and +three women at least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had +so many that one would have compared them, seeing them around +her, to bees swarming of an evening towards their hive. An old +silk dyer, who lived in the Rue St. Montfumier, and there +possessed a house of scandalous magnificence, coming from his +place at La Grenadiere, situated on the fair borders of St. Cyr, +passed on horseback through Portillon in order to gain the Bridge +of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the evening, he was seized +with a wild desire on seeing the pretty washerwoman sitting upon +her door-step. Now as for a very long time he had dreamed of this +pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her his wife, and +in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman into a +dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and +furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing +that she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for +a crony a silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, +deformed for life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day +he said to the dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we +shall have a pretty wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it +is usual to address to a bridegroom.</p> + +<p>In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her +nature, caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn +the request of the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, +engines, and spools of which his shop was full. However, this +great love of the hunchback was rebuffed by nothing, and became +so irksome to the dyer's wife that she resolved to cure it by a +thousand practical jokes. One evening, after the sempiternal +pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back door and towards +midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, this was on +a winter's night; the Rue St.Montfumier is close to the Loire, +and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds sharp +as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up +in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to +keep himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards +midnight he was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils +caught in a stole, and was about to give up his happiness, when a +feeble light passed by the cracks of the window and came down +towards the little door.</p> + +<p>"Ah, it is she!" said he.</p> + +<p>And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the +door, and heard a little voice--</p> + +<p>"Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Cough, that I may see."</p> + +<p>The hunchback began to cough.</p> + +<p>"It is not you."</p> + +<p>Then the hunchback said aloud--</p> + +<p>"How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? +Open the door!"</p> + +<p>"Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window.</p> + +<p>"There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from +Amboise unexpectedly this evening."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at +the door, threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, +"Thieves! thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was +forced to run away; but in his fear he failed to clear the chain +stretched across the bottom of the road and fell into the common +sewer, which the sheriff had not then replaced by a sluice to +discharge the mud into the Loire. In this bath the mechanician +expected every moment to breathe his last, and cursed the fair +Tascherette, for her husband's name being Taschereau, she was so +called by way of a little joke by the people of Tours.</p> + +<p>Carandas--for so was named the manufacturer of machines to +weave, to spin, to spool, and to wind the silk--was not +sufficiently smitten to believe in the innocence of the dyer's +wife, and swore a devilish hate against her. But some days +afterwards, when he had recovered from his wetting in the dyer's +drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. Then the dyer's +wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words with so much +honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that he +dismissed his suspicions.</p> + +<p>He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette +with the face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, +said to him, "Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying +some days at Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her +old dresses dyed and would settle the colours with him. It will +take some time."</p> + +<p>Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the +appointment, appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper +prepared, lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins--for it +was not necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the +colour of her linen--and everything so well prepared that it was +quite pleasant to him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell +the good odour of the meats, and to admire a thousand little +nameless things about the room, and La Tascherette fresh and +appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, the mechanician, +excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on the point of +attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master Taschereau +gave a loud knock at the street door.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the +clothes chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if +my husband finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his +temper."</p> + +<p>And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and +went quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be +back from Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly +on both his eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife +to him and bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that +sounded all over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, +talked together and finished by going to bed; and the mechanician +heard all, though obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough +or to make a single movement. He was in with the linen, crushed +up as close as a sardine in a box, and had about as much air as +he would have had at the bottom of a river; but he had, to divert +him, the music of love, the sighs of the dyer, and the little +jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he fancied his old comrade +was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of the chest.</p> + +<p>"Who is there?" said the dyer.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her +nose above the counterpane.</p> + +<p>"I heard a scratching," said the good man.</p> + +<p>"We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his +wife.</p> + +<p>The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after +having been gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you +are a light sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband +of you. There, be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is +on one side. There, put it on the other way, for you must look +pretty even when you are asleep. There! are you all right?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the +mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost.</p> + +<p>"Give me air, give me air!" said he.</p> + +<p>And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in +his heart as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said +hunchback left Tours and went to live in the town of Bruges, +where certain merchants had sent for him to arrange the machinery +for making hauberks.</p> + +<p>During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in +his veins, since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left +half dead after the great battle which took place between the +Moors and the French in the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned +in the preceding tale), in which place are the Landes of +Charlemagne, where nothing grows because of the cursed wretches +and infidels there interred, and where the grass disagrees even +with the cows--this Carandas never rose up or lay down in a +foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength to +his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and +wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of +Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will +cook one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a +tremendous hate of good constitution--a cardinal hate--a hate of +a wasp or an old maid. It was all known hates moulded into one +single hate, which boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved +self into an elixir of wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed +at the fire of the most flaming furnaces of hell--it was, in +fact, a master hate.</p> + +<p>Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine +with much wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, +where he had sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid +house in Rue St. Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is +the astonishment of the passers-by, because it has certain very +queer round humps fashioned upon the stones of the wall. +Carandas, the hater, found many notable changes at the house of +his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two sweet children, +who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance either to the +mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that children +bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who look +for the features of their ancestors, when they are +good-looking--the flatters. So it was found by the good husband +that his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest +at Notre Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, +these two children were the living portraits of a good-looking +shaven crown officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a +celebrated parish situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, +believe one thing, and inculcate it upon your minds, and when in +this book you shall only have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and +learned this one principle of truth, look upon yourself as a +lucky man--namely, that a man can never dispense with his nose, +id est, that a man will always be snotty--that is to say, he will +remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all future +centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt +without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the +same occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to +fix in the understanding that this two-footed soul will always +accept as true those things which flatter his passions, caress +his hates, or serve his amours: from this comes logic. So it was +that, the first day the above-mentioned Carandas saw his old +comrade's children, saw the handsome priest, saw the beautiful +wife of the dyer, saw La Taschereau, all seated at the table, and +saw to his detriment the best piece of lamprey given with a +certain air by La Tascherette to her friend the priest, the +mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is a cuckold, his +wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the children have +been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that the +hunchbacks have something more than other men."</p> + +<p>And this was true--true as it is that Tours has always had its +feet in the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and +plays with the water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves +with her fair white hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, +loving, fresh, flowery, and fragrant than all the other towns of +the world, which are not worthy to comb her locks or to buckle +her waistband. And be sure if you go there you will find, in the +centre of it, a sweet place, in which is a delicious street where +everyone promenades, where there is always a breeze, shade, sun, +rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but go there. It is a street +always new, always royal, always imperial--a patriotic street, a +street with two paths, a street open at both ends, a wide street, +a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of the way!" +there. A street which does not wear out, a street which leads to +the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very well +with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. +A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a +glass, populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet +nightcap on its pretty blue tiles--to be short, it is the street +where I was born; it is the queen of streets, always between the +earth and sky; a street with a fountain; a street which lacks +nothing to be celebrated among streets; and, in fact, it is the +real street, the only street of Tours. If there are others, they +are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, and all come respectfully to +salute this noble street, which commands them. Where am I? For +once in this street no one cares to come out of it, so pleasant +it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive hymn sung +from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which there +are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, +and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the +country. To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from +Flanders, entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he +was liked for his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The +good hunchback appeared cured of his old love, embraced the +children, and when he was alone with the dyer's wife, recalled +the night in the clothes-chest, and the night in the sewer, to +her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! what games you used to have +with me."</p> + +<p>"It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had +allowed yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, +made a fool of, and bantered a few more times, you might have +made an impression on me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas +commenced to laugh, though inwardly raging all the time. Seeing +the chest where he had nearly been suffocated, his anger +increased the more violently because the sweet creature had +become still more beautiful, like all those who are permanently +youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters are +naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the +proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in +order to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many +varieties of manner are there in this business; and although all +amours resemble each other in the same manner that all men +resemble each other, it is proved to the abstractors of true +things, that for the happiness of women, each love has its +especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing that resembles a +man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs from a man so +much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or explains +the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a +thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one +than the other. But how can I blame them for their essays, +changes, and contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, +twists and turns about, and you expect a woman to remain still! +Do you know if ice is really cold? No. Well then, neither do you +know that cuckoldom is not a lucky chance, the produce of brains +well furnished and better made than all the others. Seek +something better than ventosity beneath the sky. This will help +to spread the philosophic reputation of this eccentric book. Oh +yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more advanced than +those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she is a +proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be +seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages +does she belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially +changeable and fruitful and fertile in tricks.</p> + +<p>Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms +the best understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical +cuckoldom. This is how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. +She went always towards her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on +the eve of the Sabbath, leaving her good husband to finish his +work, to count up and check his books, and to pay his workmen; +then Taschereau would join her there on the morrow, and always +found a good breakfast ready and his good wife gay, and always +brought the priest with him. The fact is, this damnable priest +crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in order to +keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order that +she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men +understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got +back to his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to +invite him to spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold +always found the priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well +paid, no one knew anything of these goings on, for the lover +journeyed the night before after night fall, and on the Sunday in +the early morning. As soon as Carandas had verified the +arrangement and constant practice of these gallant diversions, he +determined to wait for a day when the lovers would meet, hungry +one for the other, after some accidental abstinence. This meeting +took place very soon, and the curious hunchback saw the boatman +waiting below the square, at the Canal St. Antoine, for the young +priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and well-shaped, like +the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated by Monsieur +Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, who +always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man +who had a finger in her pie.</p> + +<p>"Ah!, good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; +and Taschereau made him a bow.</p> + +<p>Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals +of love, vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on +all sides.</p> + +<p>At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the +priest, Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought +back from Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill +anyone, if it only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you +shall have merely touched your wench and her paramour, they will +die."</p> + +<p>"Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer.</p> + +<p>Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the +hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country.</p> + +<p>"But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked +Taschereau.</p> + +<p>"You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In +fact, the cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the +two lovers.</p> + +<p>The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to +catch, in a certain lake that you probably know, that little bird +that sometimes makes his nest there, and they were laughing and +trying, and still laughing.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished +to make an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I +should like to eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my +skin, so that you might never quit me."</p> + +<p>"I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't +have me altogether, you must try a little bit at a time."</p> + +<p>It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword +unsheathed and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, +who knew her lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her +well-beloved the priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good +man, half naked, her hair streaming over her, beautiful with +shame, but more beautiful with love, and cried to him, "Stay, +unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the father of thy children?"</p> + +<p>Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of +cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let +the sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed +him, and thus killed him.</p> + +<p>This teaches us not to be spiteful.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">EPILOGUE</h2> + +<p>Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample +of the works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land +of Touraine, the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart +that fine saying of her friend Verville, written in LE MOYEN DE +PARVENIR: It is only necessary to be bold to obtain favours. +Alas! mad little one, get thee to bed again, sleep; thou art +panting from thy journey; perhaps thou hast been further than the +present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, stop thine ears, and +return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy interwoven with +laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not the foolish +clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a joyous +lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird!</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h3 align="center">END OF THE FIRST TEN TALES.</h3> + +<p> </p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<pre> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, DROLL STORIES [V. 1] *** + +This file should be named 1drll10h.htm or 1drll10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 1drll11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 1drll10ah.htm + + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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