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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:52:36 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:52:36 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18114-8.txt b/18114-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3c472b --- /dev/null +++ b/18114-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2266 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +November 10, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 3, 2006 [EBook #18114] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +November 10th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Now that the Presidential elections are over it is hoped that +any Irish-Americans who joined the Sinn Fein murder-gang for +electioneering purposes will go home again. + + * * * + +Owing to pressure on space, due among other things to the American +election, the net sale controversy in one of our contemporaries was +held over on Wednesday last. We are quite sure that neither Senator +HARDING nor Mr. COX was aware of his responsibility in the matter. + + * * * + +Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN says, "I would rather trust a crossing-sweeper +with an appreciation of music than a man who comes from a public +school." We agree. The former is much more likely to have been a +professional musician in his time. + + * * * + +The mystery of the Scottish golf club that was recently inundated with +applications for membership is now explained. It appears that a caddy +refused a tip of sixpence offered him by one of the less affluent +members, and the story somehow leaked out. + + * * * + +At one Hallowe'en dinner held in London the haggis was ten minutes +late. It is said that it had had trouble with a dog on the way and had +come off second best. + + * * * + +The man who was heard last week to say that he had no idea that Mrs. +ASQUITH had published a book of memoirs has now, on the advice of his +friends, consented to see a doctor. + + * * * + +The clergy of Grays, in Essex, are advocating the abolition of Sunday +funerals. It is said that quite a number of strict Sabbatarians have a +rooted objection to being buried on the Sabbath. + + * * * + +According to an evening paper hawthorn buds have been plucked at +Hornsey. We don't care. + + * * * + +A Liberal Independent writes to ask if the Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who has +been elected Lord Rector of Edinburgh University, is the well-known +Prime Minister of that name. + + * * * + +A firm of music publishers have produced what they describe as a +three-quarter one-step. It will soon be impossible to go to a dance +without being accompanied by a professional arithmetician. + + * * * + +It seems that high prices have even put an end to the chicken that +used to cross the road. + + * * * + +"Only through poverty," says Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT, "will England +thrive." As a result of this statement we understand that several +profiteers have decided to get down to it once again. + + * * * + +A Japanese arrested at Hull was found to have seven revolvers and two +thousand rounds of ammunition on him. It was pointed out to him that +the War was over long ago. + + * * * + +A contemporary refers to a romance which ended in marriage. Alas! how +often this happens. + + * * * + +The United States Government has decided to recognise the present +Mexican Government. Mexican bandits say they had better take a good +look at them while there is yet time. + + * * * + +A Prohibitionist asserts that Scotland will be dry in five years. Our +own feeling is that these end-of-the-world prognostications should be +prohibited by law. + + * * * + +An Oxford professor has made himself the subject of a series of +experiments on the effects of alcohol. Several college professors of +America quite readily admit that they never thought of that one. + + * * * + +A correspondent writes to a contemporary to say that he wears a hat +exactly like _The Daily Mail_ hat, and that he purchased it long +before _The Daily Mail_ was started. The audacity of some people in +thinking that anything happened before _The Daily Mail_ started is +simply appalling. + + * * * + +Three stars have recently been discovered by an American. No, no; not +those stars, but stars in the heavens. + + * * * + +"Whilst returning to camp one night I walked right into a herd of +elephants," states a well-known explorer in his memoirs. We have +always maintained that all wild animals above the size of a rabbit +should carry two head-lights and one rear-light whilst travelling +after dark. + + * * * + +A small island was advertised for sale last week. Just the sort of +thing for a bad sailor to take with him when crossing the Channel on a +rough day. + + * * * + +"Everyone knows," a writer in _The Daily Mail_ declares, "that +electric light in the poultry-house results in more eggs." There may +be more of them but they never have the real actinic taste of the +natural egg. + + * * * + +An American inventor has devised a scheme for lassoing enemy +submarines. This is a decided improvement on the method of just +sticking a pin into them as they whizz by. + + * * * + +Since the talk of Prohibition in Scotland, we are informed that one +concert singer began the chorus of the famous Scottish ballad by +singing "O ye'll tak the dry road." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones_. "YOU'D SEE IN THE PAPERS, JOHN, ABOUT THE +AGITATION IN FAVOUR OF THE WIFE GOVERNING THE HOME." + +_Mr. Jones_. "WELL, CARRY ON, DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Bullies at the Bar":-- + + "He who had read his 'Pickwick'--and who has not?--will never + forget the trial scene where poor, innocent Mr. Pickwick is as + wax in the hands of the cross-examiner." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +We regret to say that, in our edition, _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_ omitted +to put his client in the witness-box, and consequently _Mr. Serjeant +Buzfuz_ never had a chance of showing what he could do with him. + + * * * * * + +=BEFORE THE CENOTAPH.= + +NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Not with dark pomp of death we keep their day, + Theirs who have passed beyond the sight of men, + O'er whom the autumn strews its gold again, + And the grey sky bends to an earth as grey; + But we who live are silent even as they + While the world's heart marks one deep throb; and then, + Touched by the gleam of suns beyond our ken, + The Stone of Honour crowns the trodden way. + + Above the people whom they died to save + Their shrine of sleep is set; abideth there + No dust corruptible, nought that death may have; + But from remembrance of the days that were + Rises proud sorrow in a resistless wave + That breaks upon the empty sepulchre. + +D. M. S. + + * * * * * + +=OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.= + +PRIZE-MONEY. + +The really intriguing thing about Naval prize-money is the fact that +no one knows exactly where it comes from. You don't win it by any +definite act of superlative daring--I mean to say, you don't have to +creep out under cover of darkness and return in the morning with an +enemy battleship in tow to qualify for a modicum of this mysterious +treasure. You just proceed serenely on your lawful occasions, +confident in the knowledge that incredible sums of prize-money +are piling themselves up for your ultimate benefit. I suppose the +authorities understand all about it; nobody else does. One just lets +it pile. It is a most gratifying thought. + +During the more or less stormy times of the First Great War, we of the +Navy were always able to buttress our resolution with golden hopes +of a future opulence denied to our less fortunate comrades in the +trenches. Whenever the struggle was going particularly badly +for us--when, for instance, a well-earned shore-leave had been +unexpectedly jammed or a tin of condensed milk had overturned into +somebody's sea-boot--we used to console each other with cheerful +reminders of this accumulating fruit of our endeavours. "Think of the +prize-money, my boy," we used to exclaim; "meditate upon the jingling +millions that will be yours when the dreary vigil is ended;" and as +by magic the unseemly mutterings of wrath would give place to purrs +of pleasurable anticipation. Even we of the R.N.V.R., mere temporary +face-fringes, as it were, which the razor of peace was soon to remove +from the war-time visage of the Service--even we fell under the spell. +"Fourteen million pounds!" we would gurgle, hugging ourselves with joy +in the darkness of the night-watches. + +In the months immediately following demobilisation I was frequently +stimulated by glittering visions of vast wealth presently to be +showered upon me from the swelling coffers of a grateful Admiralty. +During periods of more or less temporary financial embarrassment +I would mention these expectations to my tailor and other restless +tradespeople of my acquaintance. "Fourteen millions--prize-money, you +know," I would say confidentially; "may come in at any time now." I +found this had a soothing effect upon them. + +As the seasons rolled by, however; as summer and winter ran their +appointed courses and again the primrose pranked the lea unaccompanied +by any signs of vernal activity on the part of the Paymaster-in-Chief, +these visions of mine became less insistent. I was at length obliged +to confess that another youthful illusion was fading; prize-money +began to take its place in my mind along with the sea-serpent and +similar figures of marine mythology. I was frankly hurt; I ceased even +to raise my hat when passing the Admiralty Offices on the top of a +bus. + +That was a month or two ago; everything is all right again now. I once +more experience the old pleasing thrill of emotion when riding down +Whitehall. I have come to see how ungracious my recent attitude was. + +A chance meeting with Bunbury, late sub-Loot R.N.V.R. and a sometime +shipmate of mine--Bunbury and I had squandered our valour recklessly +together aboard the Tyne drifters in the great days when Bellona wore +bell-bottoms--sufficed to bring me head-to-wind. + +In the course of conversation I referred to the non-fulfilment of our +early dreams; I spoke rather bitterly. + +"And there are fourteen millions somewhere belonging to us," I +concluded mutinously. + +Bunbury regarded me with pained surprise. "Really, old sea-dog," he +said, "this won't do. Never let the engine-oil of discontent leak into +the rum-cask of loyal memories, you know. Now listen to me. Two years +ago you and I wore the wavy gold braid of a valiant life; we surged +along irresistibly in the wake of NELSON; we kept the watch assigned. +Does not your bosom very nearly burst with pride to call those days to +mind? It does. What then? Has it never once occurred to you that the +last remaining link between us and the stirring past is this very +prize-money you are so eager to soil with the grimy clutch of avarice? +Don't you realize that this alone exists to keep our memory green in +the minds of our old leaders at Whitehall? Picture the scene as it is. +Someone mentions the word 'prize-money.' Immediately the Lords of +the Admiralty reach for their record files and begin turning over +the pages. They come upon the names of John Augustus Plimsoll-- +yourself--and Horatio Bunbury--me. 'Ah,' they exclaim fondly, 'two of +our old gunroom veterans--when shall we look upon their like again?' +Then they get up and go out to lunch. + +"A month or so later the same thing occurs; once more our names leap +out from the type-written page. 'Brave boys,' they murmur, 'gallant +lads! What should we have done without them in the dark days? They +shall have their prize-money this very--why, bless my soul, if it +isn't one o'clock!' + +"Surely," pursued Bunbury earnestly, "you appreciate the fine +sentimental value of this one last tie? As long as our prize-money is +in the keeping of the Service we can still think of it with intimate +regard; we can still call ourselves BEATTY'S boys and hide our blushes +when the people sing 'Rule, Britannia.' You must see that this is the +only large-hearted way of looking at the matter." + +"Bunbury, old sailor," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat, "you +have done me good; you have made me feel ashamed of myself." + + * * * * * + +There can be no doubt that Bunbury is right. I am so convinced of it +that when next my tailor inquires anxiously what steps are being taken +for the distribution of prize-money I shall put the matter to him just +as Bunbury put it to me. He is certain to understand. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "The newest fashions are now being displayed in ----'s new + dress salons, so that it is an easy matter to select an entire + winter outfit with the minimum of ease."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London."--_Australian Magazine_. + +A clear case for the S.P.C.A. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Authors). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES. + +LORD ROBERT CECIL. "I TRUST THAT AFTER ALL WE MAY SECURE AT LEAST YOUR +QUALIFIED SUPPORT FOR OUR LEAGUE OF NATIONS?" + +U.S.A. PRESIDENT-ELECT: "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH OURS?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman (overhearing political discussion)_. +"LOOK HERE, MY GOOD FELLOW--I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR ARGUMENTS; AND +LET ME TELL YOU WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT." + +_Politician_. "LUMME, GUV'NOR, YOU'D BETTER COME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT +THEN."] + + * * * * * + +=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.= + +I think the time has come for me to follow the example of so many +other people and offer to the world a few pen pictures of prominent +statesmen of the day. I shall not call them "Shaving Papers from +Downing Street," nor adopt the pseudonym of "The Man with the Hot +Water (or the Morning Tea)," nor shall I roundly assert that I have +been the private secretary, the doctor, the dentist or the washerwoman +of the great men of whom I speak. Nevertheless I have sources of +information which I do not mean to disclose, except to say that heavy +persons who sit down carelessly on sofas may unknowingly inflict +considerable pain, through the sharp ends of broken springs, on those +beneath. + +I shall begin naturally with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. + +There is probably no statesman of whom such widely different estimates +have been formed as the present Prime Minister of Great Britain. I +have heard him compared with THEMISTOCLES, with MACCHIAVELLI, with +MIRABEAU (I think it was MIRABEAU, but it may have been one of those +other people beginning with "M" in French history. Almost everybody in +French history began with an "M," like the things that were drawn by +the three little girls in the well), and even with the younger PITT. +I have heard him spoken of as a charlatan, as a chameleon, as a +chatterbox, and, by a man who had hoped that the KAISER would be +hanged in Piccadilly Circus, as a chouser. Almost all of these +estimates are thoroughly fallacious. Let us take, for instance, +MACCHIAVELLI. It was the declared opinion of MACCHIAVELLI that for the +establishment and maintenance of authority all means may be resorted +to and that the worst and most treacherous acts of the ruler, however +unlawful in themselves, are justified by the wickedness and treachery +of the governed. Has Mr. LLOYD GEORGE ever said this? He may have +thought it, of course, but has he ever said it? No. When one considers +that besides this dictum MACCHIAVELLI wrote seven books on the art +of war, a highly improper comedy, a life of CASTRUCCIO CASTRACANI +(unfinished, and can you wonder?), and was very naturally put to the +torture in 1513, it will be seen how hopelessly the parallel with Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE breaks down. + +Let us turn then to the younger PITT. I have read somewhere of the +younger PITT that he cared more for power than for measures, and +was ready to sacrifice great causes with which he had sincerely +sympathised rather than raise an opposition that might imperil his +ascendency. That is just the kind of nasty and long-winded thing that +anybody might say about anybody. It was by disregarding this kind of +criticism that the younger PITT kept on being younger. But apart from +this, does Mr. LLOYD GEORGE quote HORACE in the House? Never, thank +goodness. How many times did WILLIAM PITT cross the English Channel? +Only once in his whole life. That settles it. + +The predominant note--I may almost say the keynote--of the PRIME +MINISTER'S character is rather a personal magnetism such as has never +been exercised by any statesman before or after. When he rises to +speak in the House all eyes are riveted on him as though with a +vice until he has finished speaking. Even when he has finished they +sometimes have to be removed by the Serjeant-at-Arms with a chisel. +His speeches have the moral fervour and intensity of one of the Minor +Prophets--NAHUM or AMOS, in the opinion of some critics, though I +personally incline to MALACHI or HABAKKUK. This personal magnetism +which Mr. LLOYD GEORGE radiates in the House he radiates no less in +10, Downing Street, where a special radiatorium has been added to the +breakfast-room to radiate it. Imagine an April morning, a kingfisher +on a woody stream, poplar-leaves in the wind, a shower of sugar shaken +suddenly from a sifter, and you have the man. + +It has been said that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has quarrelled with some of +his nearest friends; but this again is a thing that might happen to +anybody. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may have had certain slight differences of +opinion with Lord NORTHCLIFFE, but what about HENRY VIII. and WOLSEY? +and HENRY V. and _Falstaff_? and HENRY II. and THOMAS À BECKET? + +Talking of THOMAS À BECKET, rather a curious story has been told to +me, which I give for what it is worth. It is stated that some time ago +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was so enraged by attacks in a certain section of the +Press that he shouted suddenly, after breakfast one morning in Downing +Street, "Will no one rid me of this turbulent scribe?" Whereupon +four knights in his secretarial retinue drew their swords and set out +immediately for Printing House Square. Fortunately there happened to +be a breakdown on the Metropolitan Railway that day, so that nothing +untoward occurred. + +I sometimes think that if one can imagine the eloquence of SAVONAROLA +blended with the wiliness of ULYSSES and grafted on to the strength +and firmness of OLIVER CROMWELL, we have the best historical parallel +for Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. It ought to be remembered that the grandfather +of OLIVER CROMWELL came from Wales and that the PROTECTOR is somewhere +described as "Oliver Cromwell _alias_ Williams." Something of that old +power of dispensing with stupid Parliamentary opinion seems to have +descended to our present PRIME MINISTER. There is one difference, +however. OLIVER CROMWELL'S famous advice to his followers was to trust +in Divine Providence "and keep your powder dry." Mr. LLOYD GEORGE puts +his powder in jam. + +K. + + * * * * * + +=Our Patient Fishermen.= + + "Mr. ----, jun., had another salmon on the Finavon Water. + This is the second he has secured since the flood."--_Scotch + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DON'T TURN YOUR 'EAD AWAY, MY LORD. WHY, DURIN' THE +WAR IT WAS ALL 'MA, MA, 'AVE YOU ANY MATCHES?'"] + + * * * * * + +=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.= + +THE WHALE. + +_AIR._--_"The Tarpaulin Jacket."_ + + The whale has a beautiful figure, + Which he makes every effort to spoil, + For he knows if he gets a bit bigger + He increases the output of oil. + + That is why he insists upon swathing + His person with layers of fat. + You have seen a financier bathing? + Well, the whale is a little like that. + + At heart he's as mild as a pigeon + And extremely attached to his wife, + But getting mixed up with religion + Has ruined the animal's life. + + For in spite of his tact and discretion + There is fixed in the popular mind + A wholly mistaken impression + That the whale is abrupt and unkind. + + And it's simply because of the prophet + Who got into a ship for Tarshish + But was thrown (very properly) off it + And swallowed alive by "a fish." + + Now I should not, of course, have contested + The material truth of the tale + If the prophet himself had suggested + That the creature at fault was a whale. + + But the prophet had no such suspicion, + And that is convincing because + He was constantly in a position + To see what the miscreant was. + + And this is what punctures the bubble, + As JONAH, no doubt, was aware: + "A _fish_" was the cause of the trouble, + But the whale is a _mammal_. So there! + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + +=THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.= + +"Dancers are born, not made," said John. + +"_Some_ are born dancers," corrected Cecilia, "others achieve +dancing." + +"Well, I'm not going to have it thrust on me any way," retorted John. +"I never have liked dancing and I never shall. I haven't danced for +years and years and I don't intend to. I don't know any of these +new-fangled dances and I don't want to." + +"Don't be so obstinate," said Cecilia. "What you want doesn't matter. +You've got to learn, so you may as well give way decently. Come along +now, I'll play for you, and Margery will show you the steps." + +"If Margery attempts to show me the steps I shall show her the door. +I won't be bullied in my own house. Why don't you make your brother +dance, if somebody must?" said John, waving his arm at me. + +"Come on, Alan," said Margery; "we can't waste our time on him. Come +and show him how it's done." + +"My dear little sister," I said sweetly, "I should simply love it, but +the fact is--I can't." + +"Can't," echoed Margery. "Why not?" + +"I hate to mention these things," I explained, "but the fact is I +took part in a war that has been on recently, and I have a bad hip, +honourable legacy of same." + +"Oh, Alan," said Margery, "how can you? Your hip's absolutely fit, you +know it is. You haven't mentioned it for months." + +"My dear Margery," I said, drawing myself up, "I hope your brother +knows how to suffer in silence. But if you suppose that because I +don't complain--Great heavens, child, sometimes in the long silent +watches of the night--" + +"Well, how about, tennis, then?" said Margery. "You've been playing +all this summer, you know you have." + +"All what summer?" I asked. + +"That's a good one," said John; "I bet she can't answer that." + +"Don't quibble," said Margery. + +"Don't squabble," said Cecilia. + +"Yes, stop squibbling," said John. + +"I'm not quabbling," said I. + +John and I leaned against each other and laughed helplessly. + +"When you have finished," said Cecilia with a cold eye, "perhaps you +will decide which of you is going to have the first lesson." + +"Good heavens," said John tragically, "haven't they forgotten the +dancing yet?" + +"We may as well give way, John," I said; "we shall get no peace until +we do." + +"I suppose not," said John dismally "Very well, then, you're her +brother you shall have first go." + +He waved me politely to Margery. + +"Not at all," I said quickly "Brothers-in-law first in our +family--always." + +"Could we both come together?" asked John. + +"No, you can't," said Margery. + +"Then we must toss for it," said John, producing a coin. + +"Tails," I called. + +"Tails it is," said John, walking across the room to Margery. + +And the lesson commenced. + + * * * * * + +"_Chassée_ to the right, _chassée_ to the left, two steps forward, two +steps backward, twinkle each way--" + +"Five shillings on Twinkle, please," I interrupted. + +Margery stopped and looked at me. + +"You keep quiet, Alan," shouted Cecilia, cheerfully banging the piano. + +"I shall never learn," said John miserably from the middle of the +room, "not in a thousand years." + +"Yes, you will," encouraged Margery. "Just listen. _Chassée_ to the +right, _chassée_ to the left, two steps forward, two steps back, +twinkle each way--" + +"Take away the number you first thought of," I suggested, "and the +answer's the Louisiana Glide." + +"To finish up," said Margery, "we grasp each other firmly, prance +round, two bars...." + +"That sounds a bit better," said John. + +" ... then waltz four bars," continued Margery, "and that's all. Come +on, now." + +They came on.... + +"Good," said Margery as they finished up; "he's doing it splendidly, +Cecilia." + +John beamed complacently. + +"I got through that last bit rather well," he said; "'pon my word, +there's more in this dancing than I thought. I quite enjoyed that +twinkling business." + +"Have another one," I suggested. + +"Don't mind if I do," said John. "May I have the pleasure?" with a +courtly bow to Margery. + +They re-commenced. + +"That's right," said Margery; "now two forward." + +"I must have a natural genius for dancing," said John, conversing +easily; "I seem to ... Do we twinkle next?" + +"Yes," said Margery. + +"I seem to fall into it naturally." + +"Look out!" shrieked Margery. + +I don't know exactly what happened; I rather think John got his gears +mixed up in the twinkling business. At any rate, one of his feet shot +up in the air, he made a wild grab at nothing and tripped heavily +backwards into the hearth. The piano was drowned in general uproar. + +John arose with difficulty from the ashes and addressed himself +haughtily to Cecilia. + +"I can understand that these two," he said, waving a black but +contemptuous hand at Margery and myself, "should scream with delight. +Their whole conception of humour is bound up with banana-skins and +orange-peel. But may I ask why _you_ should have hysterics because +your husband has fallen into the fireplace?" + +"'You seemed to fall into it so naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky +voice. + +"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am trying--please--if only you would +take that piece of soot off your nose--" She dabbed her eyes and wept +helplessly. + +John rubbed his nose quickly and walked to the door. + +"If you want my opinion of dancing," he said bitterly, "I think it's a +low pagan habit." + +"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang Margery. + +"Bah!" said John, and banged the door. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW UTOPIA. + +[Suggested by Mr. J. H. THOMAS'S book, just out, with a Red Flag on the +wrapper.] + + O England, with what joy I hail + The master-hand that calms and cools + In THOMAS'S entrancing tale, + _When Labour Rules_. + + There will be no more serfs and slaves; + There will be no more feudal fools; + The KING may stay, if he behaves, + When Labour rules. + + Workers, in Downing Street installed, + Will never think of downing tools; + Strikes clearly never will be called + When Labour rules. + + The hand of brotherhood that knits + At present Tom and Dick with Jules + Will be extended to good Fritz, + When Labour rules. + + The vile capitalistic crew + Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls + Will vanish in the boundless blue + When Labour rules. + + Our children will be standardized + In psycho-analytic schools, + And brains completely equalized + When Labour rules. + + O Paradise! O frabjous day! + When 'neath the flag of flaming gules + Labour shall hold unchallenged sway-- + When THOMAS rules. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE ENORMOUS SUCCESS OF _THE DAILY MAIL_ +HAT-- + +--WE LOOK FORWARD ANXIOUSLY TO _THE TIMES_ CRAVAT-- + +--_THE TELEGRAPH_ COAT-- + +--_THE CHRONICLE_ QUILTED BAGS + +--_THE HERALD_ PATENT SABOTS. + +STUDY OF AN IMPARTIAL READER. + +=MANNERS AND MODES.=] + + * * * * * + +=GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS.= + +"Genf," like "Genève," is the Swiss for "Geneva." It was selected, +nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few +days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company, +corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited +so long before it came and sat upon it. + +You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the +subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our PRIME MINISTER +came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of +Switzerland as one by one they get sat on. As there are not more +than half-a-dozen eligible towns in Switzerland, and as we shall have +exhausted two of them in less than half a year, the living I make is +a precarious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A +short life and a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle +merriment in that word "Genf." + +To get to Geneva you provide yourself with a passport, a book of rail +and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket +for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the registration of +your luggage. In short, by the time you are in France you will have +had pass through your hands one passport and eleven tickets; and the +first thing you will do upon settling down into the French train is to +compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will +find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva +and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket +inspector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the +Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justification; for +a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for +travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities, +he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the +nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before. + +Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a +lake, and in the second place it is always brimful of International +Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated +in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a +two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the +little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me +back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose +only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the +incoming liner. Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for +the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I +spoke to him about this on the last day, and he showed a fine courage +which nothing can depress. Next season he means to try again. As he +will be out of a job in the interval I am plotting to secure for him +the post of naval expert to the League. + +Turning from the lake to the international delegates, who abound +in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the +International Congress of Leagues of Women. Their main agendum was to +pronounce their complete independence of men. One of these delegates +went for a row on the lake and fell in. She was pulled out again by a +man. + +You will find that Geneva was nominated as the seat of the League in +the Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, the people of Geneva have +been busy conjecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its +arrival in Geneva. It will do exactly what you and I would do in +similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry +off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned +things outright. I don't know what they do about notices on the walls; +alter some and remove others, no doubt. The international delegates +will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the +military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man +gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three +times if they want him to come up _at once_ and discuss schemes for +readjusting the various oceans. + +As to the other usual decorations of hotel bedroom walls, the notice +will be removed which informs all concerned that the management will +not be held responsible for valuables, unless these be deposited in +the office safe, though this will not be intended to indicate that the +new management has doubts as to the safety even of its own safe. + +The "Hôtel National," which is the hotel in question, was in process +of complete reconstruction when the purchase took place. A bathroom +has been annexed to every room. Presumably every international +delegate will have a suite allotted to his nation. The question I ask +myself is this, Will he put himself in the room and his secretaries +in the bathroom, or himself in the bathroom and the secretaries in the +room? And the answer I make to myself is as follows: The delegate will +appoint the room to be his room and the bathroom to be his bathroom +and will leave his secretaries to make the best of things out in the +corridor. The suggestion you will probably make is that there are more +suites of rooms than nations; that I must leave you to work out for +yourself. The number of suites of rooms is ascertainable, but no one +seems able to inform me how many nations there are. Personally every +time I pick up a newspaper I seem to discover a new one. However that +may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, and may the +best one win the Cup Final, say I! + +F. O. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Profiteer's Wife._ "HEAVENS! MARGARET HAS ELOPED +WITH THE CHAUFFEUR IN THE CAR." + +_The Profiteer._ "_WHAT!_ NOT THE NEW ROLLS-ROYCE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +1914. + +"Don't 'e look lovely in 'is uniform?" + +"I do like a play wiv a bit of fightin' in it." + +"O, ain't 'e sweet!" + +"Makes you feel all shiverylike when 'e waves 'is sword an' all, don't +it?" + +"Oo, I 'ope they're not going to fire no guns." + + +1920. + +"E's got civvy boots on!" + +"Take 'is blinkin' name, Sergeant, an' get 'is blinkin' 'air cut." + +"What are yer, Sick Parade?" + +"Fall in, defaulters." + +"'Oo stole the rum?"] + + * * * * * + +=FOR THE CHILDREN.= + +Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help in a good +cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf +of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which Her Majesty the QUEEN is +Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little +ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of +fifteen. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they +stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during which they +receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended, +body and mind. Many of them have lost a leg or an arm and nearly all +have some bandaged limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive +to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their +uniform. + +The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping +necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead +for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report +and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives, +in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in +their happy surroundings. + +All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of +the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall +Bridge Road, S.W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Minister's Wife._ "ARE YOU ALWAYS AS FEEBLE AS THIS, +MR. MACPHERSON? DO YOU NEVER FEEL STRONGER?" + +_Macpherson._ "AH WEEL, ME'M, AS THE MEENISTER WAD TELL YE HIMSEL', +ANY SMA' MEASURE O' HEALTH THAT AH HAE IS JUST ABOOT MEALTIMES."] + + * * * * * + +"The Unknown Warrior." + +WESTMINSTER ABBEY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Here lies a warrior, he alone + Nameless among the named and known; + None nobler, though by word and deed + Nobly they served their country's need, + And won their rest by right of worth + Within this storied plot of earth. + Great gifts to her they gave, but he-- + He gave his life to keep her free. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNALISM. + + ["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like + the circulation of _The Daily Mail_. Pennsylvania gives him + a majority which appears equal to the circulation of _The + Evening News_. It is phenomenal."--_The Evening News._] + +The method which is being used just now by some of Mr. Punch's +contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations does not, it +will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, though doubtless it has its +advantages from the advertising point of view. The following items of +news are intelligently anticipated. + + * * * + +The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a result of +the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the number of quires of +"returns" of last week's _Pawkiesheils Gazette_. It is insignificant. + + * * * + +An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield proves +that there were as many men in favour of rejecting the Government +proposals as would have provided ten readers for each copy sold (_not_ +merely printed) of the last issue of _The Chowbent and Chequerbent +Chronicle_. It is magnificent. + + * * * + +It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen and +another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write piquant +reviews of Mrs. ASQUITH'S autobiography, the sale of the work will +probably greatly exceed the numbers of copies of the latest Blue Book +issued by H.M. Stationery Office. It is unthinkable. + + * * * + +It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain +cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, as many people +will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the +film--without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of +"The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre." It is good business. + + * * * * * + + "An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at + 51/- from Messrs. ----'s."--_Sunday Paper._ + +At that price they must have been very plain cooks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SHRINE OF HONOUR. + +"WHO GOES THERE?" + +"I HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY." + +"PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR."] + + * * * * * + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, November 1st._--In response to a renewed demand for the +Admiralty's account of the Battle of Jutland the PRIME MINISTER +made the remarkable statement that it was very difficult to get "an +official _and impartial_ account," but he added that the Government +were willing to publish all the reports and despatches on the subject +and leave the public to judge. + + Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree? + Why, JULIAN CORBETT, or the great B.P. + +Owing to the unexpectedly rapid passage through Committee of the +Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a +number of British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse +subjects they were alike in one respect--without exception they +incurred the hostility of Sir F. BANBURY. Whether it was a proposal +to reduce the dangers of employing women in lead processes or to give +married women in Scotland the same privileges as their English sisters +(including the duty of supporting an indigent husband), or to hold +an Empire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile Courts, the hon. baronet +found reason for opposing them all. + +Once or twice he secured the support of Sir JOHN REES, but for +the most part he was _Athanasius contra mundum_, maintaining his +equanimity even when Mr. HOGGE advised him to "marry a Scotswoman;" +or Lady ASTOR expressed her regret that he had not women, instead of +bankers, for his constituents. + +[Illustration: "ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM." + +SIR FREDERICK BANBURY.] + +The Government had no reason to complain of his activity, which may +indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for +despite his efforts every Bill went through. + +_Tuesday, November 2nd._--The most striking thing in Lord LOREBURN'S +speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me to be his uncompromising +declaration that he was "no supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." He endorsed, +however, his former chief's demand for an independent inquiry into the +reprisals, but his motion was defeated by 44 to 13. + +[Illustration: "No supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." + +LORD LOREBURN.] + +Ever since Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS defeated Mr. CHURCHILL at Manchester +he has felt it his duty to keep on his track. Convinced that our +policy in Mesopotamia is due to the WAR MINISTER'S megalomania he is +most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary +Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion. +But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged +spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; "I do not +immediately require money." + +The gloom of the daily Irish catechism was a little brightened by an +interchange of pleasantries between Mr. STANTON and Mr. JACK JONES. +On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. "Golliwog!" +he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant _chevelure_. +Mr. STANTON could think of no better retort than the stereotyped +"Bolshie!" and when Mr. JONES rejoined with "You ought to be put into +Madame Tussaud's" Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a +scandal that these entertaining comedians should only get four hundred +a year? + +On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN was faced with an +urgent demand for a separate Wages Board for Wales. First he wouldn't; +it would be "an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement." +But the Welshmen were so insistent that he changed his mind, and when +the vigilant Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the +ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir +ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be +"additional expenditure," there would be no "fresh charge." Such are +the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system. + +_Wednesday, November 3rd._--When Mr. CHURCHILL, some sixteen years +ago, crossed the floor of the House, his man[oe]uvre was regarded as +a portent, and men talked of "a sinking ship." It cannot be said +that Lord HENRY BENTINCK'S sudden appearance among the Labour Members +created anything like the same sensation, even though he was joined a +little later by Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY. Lord HENRY has always derived his +political opinions rather from his heart than his head, and has lately +developed a habit of firing explosive Questions at Ministers from his +eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontal attacks +less disconcerting. + +[Illustration: "OLD GOLLIWOG." + +Mr. C. B. STANTON (_As viewed by Mr. JACK JONES_).] + +While Lord HENRY was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years +before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. MOSLEY has made +the same discovery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From +his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was +being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. ADDISON +contented himself with professing ignorance of any such transaction. +A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed +all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition. + +News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the +evening. Mr. BRIDGEMAN, always cautious, "understood" that the men +had been "recommended" to go back to work. Mr. ADAMSON, fresh from the +Conference, was much more downright. "The strike," he said, "has been +declared off, and the men return to work." So that's that. + +_Thursday, November 4th._--Lord SALISBURY'S complaint that the +Government's policy in Egypt was shrouded in more than Egyptian +darkness brought a spirited reply from Lord CURZON, who declared that +every stage in the negotiations had been fully revealed in the Press. +If no definite decision as to the future government of the country +had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet +had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord MILNER'S +subsequent account of his Mission, it would appear that the process +will be long and stormy. The Mission went to Cairo to sound the +feeling of the Nationalists, but for all practical purposes they might +as well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed +ZAGHLUL PASHA and his colleagues, and obtained information which +materially altered and softened their previous views. The best +Nationalists were not anti-British, but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord +MILNER'S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the +stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous. + +Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE is not very popular in the House of Commons just +now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" to the WAR MINISTER +he was so persistently "boo-ed" that the SPEAKER had to intervene to +secure him a hearing. Mr. LOWTHER probably repented his kindness when +it appeared that Mr. MALONE had nothing more urgent to say than that +Mr. CHURCHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in +Ireland than in reviewing books for _The Daily Mail_. + +For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR essayed to move the +adjournment in order to call attention to what he called "the policy +of frightfulness" in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the +motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive kind. Mr. +DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the +word "reprisals" being used for the "infamies" going on in Ireland, +declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and +prophesied that the present CHIEF SECRETARY, "with all his outward +appearance of great masculinity," would fail, as BALFOUR and +CROMWELL--the House enjoyed this concatenation--had failed before him. + +In points of detail Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD conceded a little more to +his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider +whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries +or other property wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted that some +constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under +arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant. +Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, "They have declared +war upon us and I suppose war it must be," the CHIEF SECRETARY said in +his most emphatic tones, "War it will be until assassination stops." + +[Illustration: "Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a +fine bird her son had provided her with." + +WALES AND SIR A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN.] + + * * * * * + +STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS. + +Stuttfield was nothing of a NERO. He would never have fiddled while +Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was +burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire. +He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational +literature upon a nervous temperament. + +It all began through Stuttfield finding a copy of _The Daily Blast_ in +a railway carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper, +but the tendency of its contents is ruddy--that is to say, it has +"Red" leanings. It was a revelation to Stuttfield. + +"Are people _allowed_ to say such things?" he asked me in horror. + +"My dear fellow, no one takes it seriously," I said. "Don't you +worry." + +But Stuttfield did worry. _The Daily Blast_ had the same effect upon +him as a snake has upon a rabbit; it terrified him, yet he could not +run away from it. In fact he became a regular subscriber and continued +so despite some rumours that it was supported financially by the +Rougetanians--rumours which required, and received, a great deal of +explanation. + +Then, through the offices of his man-servant, he obtained a copy of +_The Volcano_. + +_The Volcano_ appears to be in advance of _The Daily Blast_ in its +ideals, and immensely so in their expression. But here again I assured +Stuttfield that no one took them seriously. "I don't suppose they +take themselves seriously," I assured him. "They want to sell _The +Volcano_, that's all." + +"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do sell it, and people read it." + +"I expect the circulation's about two thousand a week," I said +consolingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, was not consoled. + +I met him at intervals after that, and on each occasion he seemed to +be more obsessed with the notion that the "Reds" would overwhelm us +all shortly. + +"Russia is Red," he whispered; he always whispers now for fear of +being overheard by a Red agent, though there was not very much risk of +that in St. James's Street. "And what about India and China?" + +"Red, black and yellow--the Zingari colours," I said ribaldly, and +Stuttfield left me in disgust. + +Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill. +This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse. + +"You've taken an overdose of _The Volcano_," I said. + +He seized my arm with trembling fingers. + +"The Red Revolution is upon us," he hissed. + +I laughed. "Don't you worry about the Red Revolution. You come out to +lunch." + +He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs and restaurants would be attacked +first, he thought. If we lunched together it had better be in +an eating-house in Bermondsey. "I have a disguise," he said, and +disclosed a complete proletarian outfit. + +"Well, I haven't," I said. "Not that these clothes of mine will lead +anyone to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so far as lunch goes, +hadn't we better be killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than by tripe in +Bermondsey?" + +Stuttfield could not but admit the sense of this, so we started out. + +It is widely recognised that Flag Days, however admirable their +objects, have been a little overdone. But it was sheer bad luck that +brought Stuttfield face to face with a flag-seller just as we were +entering the Fitz. She came at him with a determined aspect and began +"The Red Cr----" + +It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was across the pavement and into a taxi +before I could stop him. There was nothing for me to do but follow +him. + +"Where are we going?" I asked. + +"Waterloo," he answered through blanched lips. I could get nothing +more from him. + +At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving me to pay the cab, and disappeared +into the station. I followed as quickly as I could, but he was nowhere +to be seen. + +"Where would he go to hide from the Reds?" I asked myself. Suddenly I +had an idea about his destination. + +I was right. In the foremost carriage I found him. I tried to persuade +him to come out, but he clung to the rack. So I left him. I have not +seen him since. + +I hope he feels safe in the Isle of Wight. + + * * * * * + + "You can burn your slack cook in oven in our ---- + Grate."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._ + +But now that the coal strike is over we shall try to put up with our +cook a little longer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Our Reverend Spoonerist (calling at the Deanery)._ "IS +THE BEAN DIZZY?"] + + * * * * * + + "WALLASEY'S LOW FIGURE. + + POPULATION JUMP--FROM 21,192 TO 99,493 IN 28 DAYS." + + _Liverpool Paper._ + +We do not know why this should be described as a "low figure." To us +it seems remarkably good going. + + * * * * * + + "The weather forecast for Sheffield and district for the next + twenty-four years is as follows:-- + + Wind southerly, light, freshening later; cloudy or overcast; + probably some rain later; visibility indifferent to fair; + mild." + + _Yorkshire Paper._ + +It is hoped however that some improvement may be shown in 1945. + + * * * * * + +Puck's Record Eclipsed. + + "For five minutes I was in the Mercantile Marine and the Navy. + During these five minutes I made a complete circuit of the + globe."--_Letter in Welsh Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The pruning-fork is being applied in order to bring the + staff within the capacity of the accommodation."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +After which harmony will be restored by means of the tuning-knife. + + * * * * * + + "It did one good, on entering the Queen's Hall last night, to + find every seat in the building, even to those at the back + of the rostrum, occupied by the London Symphony + Orchestra."--_Evening Paper._ + +An audience is often so distracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fortune-Teller (to client)._ "A DARK MAN HAS BEEN +HOVERING ABOUT YOUR PATH FOR THE LAST MONTH." + +_Client._ "OH, THAT MUST BE THE AGENT WHO'S BEEN WORRYING ME TO INSURE +MY LIFE."] + + * * * * * + +=THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MYSTERY.= + +In a provincial paper I find the following passage:-- + + "Counsel stated that the prisoner's mother was in court. Later + he informed the Judge that he had made a mistake; it was the + prisoner's mother-in-law. A general laugh throughout the court + followed this 'correction.'" + +We have here in a nutshell the case for traditional communal humour, +and once again we are set to wondering why--except possibly to allay +some whimsical twinges of self-respect--dramatists ever try to +invent new jokes at all. Even more are we set to wondering why this +particular joke never fails. + +In the present case the injustice done to an honourable class of +women--that is to say, those who provide lovers with their loves (for +that is how these relationships begin)--was the greater because no +doubt, when the laughter had subsided a little, every eye sought +for the lady in question. Normally we have not the opportunity +of visualising the butt at all. It is enough that she should +be mentioned. Nor would any grotesque details in her costume or +physiognomy make the joke appreciably better. It requires no such +assistance; it is rich enough without them; to possess a married +daughter is all that is necessary to cause gusts of joyful mirth. + +That it is not the lady herself who is funny could--no matter how +Gothic her figure--be proved in a moment by placing her in the +witness-box and asking her to state her relationship to the prisoner's +wife. She would say, "I am her mother," and nothing would happen. But +if the question were, "What is your relationship to the prisoner?" and +she replied, "I am his mother-in-law," sides would split. Similarly +one can imagine that if the husband's reply to the counsel's question, +"Who was with you?" had been, "My wife was with me," there would have +been no risible reaction whatever; but if the reply had been, "My +wife's mother was with me," the place would have been convulsed. Of +course the true artist in effect would never say, "My wife's mother," +but "My mother-in-law." It is the "in-law" that is so exquisitely +amusing and irresistible. + +But both would be the same person: the gravest thing on earth, +it might be, in every other respect--even sad and dignified--but +ludicrous because her daughter happened to have found a husband. + +To inquire why the bare mention of the mother of a man's wife should +excite merriment is to find oneself instantly deep in sociology--and +in some of its seamiest strata too. While exploring them one would +make the odd discovery that, whereas the humour that surrounds +and saturates the idea of a wife possessing a maternal relative +is inexhaustible, there is nothing laughable about the mother of a +husband. A wife can talk of her husband's mother all day and never +have the reputation of a wit, whereas her husband has but to mention +her mother and he is the rival of the Robeys. + +As for fathers-in-law, low comedians would starve if they had to +depend on the help that fathers-in-law give them. Fathers-in-law do +not exist. Nor do brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, except as facts; +but the joke is that they can be far more interfering (interference +being at the root of the matter, I take it) than anyone in the world. +It is the brother-in-law who knows of absolutely safe gilt-edged +investments (which rarely succeed), and has to be helped while waiting +for something to turn up; it is the sister-in-law who is so firmly +convinced that dear Clara (her brother's wife) is spoiling the +children. But both escape; while many really charming old ladies, +to whom their sons-in-law are devoted, continue to be riddled by the +world's satirical bullets. + +What is to be done about it? Nothing. Only the destruction of the +institution of marriage could affect it. + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +=MY APOLOGIA.= + +(_Lines accidentally omitted from a notorious volume of Memoirs._) + + If life is dull and day by day + I see that wittier, wiser + England where I was wont to play + (Being as bold as I was gay) + Keep passing rapidly away + All through the German KAISER; + + If "Souls" are not the things they were, + If caste declines and Vandals + Go practically everywhere + From Cavendish to Berkeley Square, + And dowdy frumps without the "air" + Monopolise the scandals; + + There is but one thing left to do-- + And what's a sporting flutter worth + Unless one takes a risk or two?-- + "I'll shock the world," I thought, "anew," + And (ultimately) did so through + The firm of THORNTON BUTTERWORTH. + + Two worlds indeed. The mighty West + Poured out her untold money + To gaze upon my palimpsest; + I think that Codex A was best, + But parts of this have been suppressed; + Publishers are so funny. + + And now my fame through London rings + In well-bred speech and _argot_; + At mild suburban tea-makings + The postman knocks, and poor dear things + Tear wildly at the parcel-strings + When MUDIE gives them MARGOT. + + Pressmen have tried to make a lot + Out of a certain instance + Of mild misstatement as to what + Happened in 1914. Rot! + All I can say is that my plot + Has much more _verve_ than WINSTON'S. + + Well, never mind. The work is done; + People who do not need it-- + The wit, the fire, the force, the fun, + The pathos--let them simply shun + This frightful book, shout "Shame!" and run; + Nobody's _forced_ to read it. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dentist (after preliminary inspection)._ +"EXTRAORDINARY THING--THERE'S ONE OF YOUR TEETH ONLY HALF STOPPED." + +_Patient._ "AH, THAT WERE T'OOTHER DENTIST. T' LAAD 'URT ME, SO AH +GAVE 'IM A GOOD LICK IN T' JAW."] + + * * * * * + +=NOMEN, OMEN.= + +(_By our Medical Correspondent._) + +No one who is interested in the possibilities of psycho-therapy +can view without serious misgiving recent tendencies in artistic +nomenclature. Some of us are old enough to remember when the trend +was in the direction of Italianisation; when FOLEY became SIGNOR FOLI; +CAMPBELL, CAMPOBELLO, and an American from Brooklyn was transformed +into BROCCOLINI. The vogue of alien aliases has passed, but it may +return, and it is to guard against the formidable and deleterious +results of its recrudescence that the following suggestions, are +propounded, not merely in the interests of Gongorism or of an +intensive cultivation of syncretic euphuism, but in accordance with +the most approved conclusions of psycho-analytic research. + +It may be urged--and the objection is natural--that there can be +little danger of a relapse in view of the heroic and patriotic +adhesion of some of our most distinguished artists to their homely +patronymics. No doubt the noble example of CLARA BUTT and CARRIE TUBB +is fortifying and reassuring, and there are also clamant proofs that +denationalisation is no passport to eminence. But it would be foolish +to overlook the existence of powerful influences operating in an +antipodal direction. I confess to a feeling approaching to dismay when +I study the advertisement columns of the daily papers and note the +recurrence, in the announcements of impending concerts, of names of +a strangely outlandish and exotic form. In a single issue I have +encountered KRISH, ARRAU, KOUNS and DINH GILLY. The Christian names of +some of these eminent performers are equally momentous and perturbing, +_e.g._, JASCHA, KOFZA and UTT. + +My grounds for perturbation are not imaginary or based on the +hallucinations of a hypersensitive mind. They are prompted and +justified by the notorious facts, established by the leading +psycho-analysts, that, just as mellifluous and melodious names +exercise a mollifying influence on the activities of the sub-conscious +self, so the possession or choice of strange or ferocious appellations +incites the bearer, if I may be permitted to use so commonplace a +term, to live up to his label. + +It is therefore with all the force at my command that I entreat and +implore singers, players and dancers to think, not once but twice or +thrice, before they yield to the fascination of the unfamiliar and +adopt artistic pseudonyms calculated to intensify the "urges" of +their primitive instincts. It is not too much to say that a singer +who deliberately assumes the name of Pongo, Og or Botuloffsky runs a +serious risk, in virtue of the inherent magic of names, of developing +qualities wholly unfitted for the atmosphere of a well-conducted +concert-hall. + +I believe that the question of establishing a censorship of artists' +names has been seriously considered by Dr. ADDISON, in view of its +bearing on public hygiene, and that he estimates the cost of staffing +the new department as not likely to exceed seven hundred and fifty +thousand pounds a year. Still, in these days when State economy is so +needful, it would be better if the desired effect were attained by the +pressure of enlightened public opinion rather than by the operations +of even so inexpensive a department as that contemplated by the +MINISTER OF HEALTH. + + * * * * * + +=IN FLANDERS FIELDS.= + +These famous verses, which originally appeared in _Punch_, December +8th, 1915, being the work of a Canadian officer, Lieut.-Colonel +MCCRAE, who fell in the War, have been subjected to so many +perversions--the latest in a letter to _The Times_ from a Minister of +the Crown, where the closing lines are misquoted as follows: + + "If ye break faith with those of us who died, + We shall not sleep, though poppies bloom in fields of France"-- + +that Mr. Punch thinks it would be well to reproduce them in their +correct form:-- + + In Flanders fields the poppies blow + Between the crosses, row on row, + That mark our place; and in the sky + The larks, still bravely singing, fly + Scarce heard amid the guns below. + + We are the Dead. Short days ago + We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, + Loved and were loved, and now we lie + In Flanders fields. + + Take up our quarrel with the foe: + To you from failing hands we throw + The torch; be yours to hold it high. + If ye break faith with us who die + We shall not sleep, though poppies grow + In Flanders fields. + + * * * * * + +=AT THE PLAY.= + +"FÉDORA." + +It may or may not be well that the War has modified our estimate of +the value of life; but it is a bad thing for the legitimate drama. And +in the case of _Fédora_ the bloody _régime_ of LENIN has so paled +our memory of the terrors of Nihilism that SARDOU'S play seems almost +further away from us than the tragedy of _Agamemnon_. In our callous +incapacity to be thrilled by the ancient horrors of forty years ago we +fall back on the satisfaction to be got out of the author's dexterity +in the mechanics of his craft. + +And here the critic's judgment is also apt to be more cold-blooded. +He recognises the crude improbability of certain details which are +essential to the tragic development of the play. The death of _Count +Vladimir_ (accented on the first or second syllable according to the +temporary emotion of the speaker) was due to the discovery of a letter +in an unlocked drawer where it could never possibly have been thrown, +being an extremely private letter of assignation. The death of +_Fédora_, again, was the direct result of a letter which she +despatched to Petersburg denouncing a man who proved, in the light of +fresh facts learned a few minutes later, to be the last (or last but +one) that she would wish to injure. It is incredible that she should +not have hastened to send a second letter withdrawing her charge; +"instead of which" she goes casually off on a honeymoon with his +brother, and apparently never gives another thought to the matter till +it is fatally too late. + +However, I am not really concerned at this time of day with the +improbabilities of so well-established a tragedy, but only with the +most recent interpretation of it. And let me say at once that, for the +best of reasons, I do not propose to compete with the erudition of my +fellow-critics in the matter of previous interpreters, for I bring a +virgin mind to my consideration of the merits of the present cast. + +_Fédora_ is the most exhausting test to which Miss MARIE LÖHR has +yet put her talent. The heroine's emotions are worked at top-pressure +almost throughout the play. At the very start she is torn with +passionate grief for the death of her lover and a still more +passionate desire to take vengeance on the man who killed him. When +she learns the unworthiness of the one and the justification of the +other those emotions are instantly exchanged for a passionate worship +of the late object of her vengeance, to be followed by bitter remorse +for the harm she has done him and terror of the consequences when he +comes to know the truth. And so to suicide. + +I will confess that I was astonished at the power with which Miss LÖHR +met these exigent demands upon her emotional forces. It was indeed a +remarkable performance. My only reservation is that in one passage +she was too anxious to convey to the audience the intensity of her +remorse, when it was a first necessity that she should conceal it +from the other actor on the stage. It was nice and loyal of Mr. BASIL +RATHBONE to behave as if he didn't notice anything unusual, but it +must have been as patent to him as to us. + +Of his _Loris_ I cannot say too much in admiration. At first Mr. +RATHBONE seemed a little stiff in his admirably-fitting dress-clothes, +but in the last scene he moved through those swift changes of +emotion--from joy to grief, from rage to pity and the final anguish +and horror--with extraordinary imagination and resource. + +Of the others, Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as _Jean de Siriex_, played in +a quiet and assured undertone that served to correct the rather +expansive methods of Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, whose humour, always +delightful, afforded a little more relief than was perhaps consistent +with the author's designs and her own dignity as a great lady in the +person of the _Countess Olga_. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A Matinée in aid of the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children +will be given at the Garrick Theatre on Wednesday, November 17th, +at 2.30, when a comedy by Mr. LOUIS N. PARKER will be presented, +entitled, _Pomander Walk_ (period 1805). + +It is hoped that at the Alhambra Matinée on November 16th one thousand +pounds will be raised to complete the special pension fund for actors, +which is to be a tribute of affection to the memory of Mr. SYDNEY +VALENTINE, who, in the words of Mr. MCKINNEL, "did more for the rank +and file of the theatrical profession than any actor, living or dead." + + * * * * * + +="The Dog it was who Died."= + + "At Dovey Board of Conservators at Barmouth it was decided + to ask Major Dd. Davies to hunt the district with his otter + hounds, and failing this the water bailiffs themselves should + attempt to stamp them out."--_Welsh Paper._ + +Major DD. DAVIES' answer is not known to us, but we assume that he +said, "Well, I'm Dd." + + * * * * * + + "Royal Surrey Theatre. Grand Opera. To-night, 8, Cav. and + Pag."--_Daily Paper._ + +More evidence of the paper-shortage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Affluent Sportsman (after a long blank draw)._ "NOW I +BET YOU WE'LL FIND AS SOON AS I LIGHT ONE OF MY HALF-DOLLAR CIGARS." +_Friend._ "DON'T YOU THINK WE MIGHT MAKE A CERTAINTY OF IT IF I LIT +ONE TOO?"] + + * * * * * + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I do not think that even the most phlegmatic of Englishmen could +read _Francis and Riversdale Grenfell: a Memoir_ (NELSON) without a +quickening of the pulses. This is not to suggest that Mr. JOHN BUCHAN +has sought to make an emotional appeal--indeed he has told the tale +of these devoted brothers with a simplicity beyond praise--but it is +a tale so fine that it must fill the heart, even of those who were +strangers to them, with joy and pride. I beg you to read the memoir +for yourselves, and see how and why it was that these twin brothers, +from Eton onwards, radiated cheerfulness and a happy keenness wherever +they went. "Neither," Mr. BUCHAN writes, "could be angry for long, and +neither was capable of harshness or rancour. Their endearing grace of +manner made a pleasant warmth in any society which they entered; and +since this gentleness was joined to a perpetual glow of enthusiasm +the effect was triumphant. One's recollection was of something lithe, +alert, eager, like a finely-bred greyhound." Those of us who were not +personally acquainted with FRANCIS and RIVERSDALE GRENFELL will, after +reading this Memoir and the Preface by their uncle, Field-Marshal Lord +GRENFELL, seem to know them intimately. FRANCIS won the first V.C. +gained in the War, but when he read the announcement of it in _The +Gazette_ his brother was already killed and his joy of life was +quenched. "I feel," he wrote to his uncle, "that I know so many who +have done and are doing so much more than I have been able to do +for England. I also feel very strongly that any honour belongs to my +regiment and not to me." In that spirit he met his death a few months +later. In work and sport, in war or peace, the twins were ardent, +generous and brave, and their deaths were as glorious as their lives +were gracious and radiant. The profits of Mr. BUCHAN'S book are to +be devoted to the funds of the Invalid Children's Aid Association, in +which the brothers were deeply interested. + + * * * * * + +There are certain tasks which, like virtue, carry their reward with +them. No doubt Miss ELEANOUR SINCLAIR ROHDE would be gratified if +her book, _A Garden of Herbs_ (LEE WARNER), were to pass into several +editions--as I trust it will--and receive commendation on every +hand--as it surely must--but such results would be irrelevancies. She +has already, I am convinced, tasted so much delight in the making +of this, the most fragrant book that I ever read, in her delving and +selecting, that nothing else matters. Not only is the book fragrant +from cover to cover, but it is practical too. It tells us how +our ancestors of not so many generations ago--in Stuart times +chiefly--went to the herb garden as we go to the chemist's and the +perfumer's and the spice-box, and gave that part of the demesne much +of the honour which we reserve for the rock-garden, the herbaceous +borders and the pergola. And no wonder, when from the herbs that grow +there you can make so many of the lenitives of life--from elecampane +a sovran tonic, and from purslane an assured appetiser, and from +marjoram a pungent tea, and from wood-sorrel a wholesome water-gruel, +and from gillyflowers "a comfortable cordial to cheer the heart," and +from thyme an eye-lotion that will "enable one to see the fairies." +Miss ROHDE tells us all, intermingling her information with mottoes +from old writers and new. Sometimes she even tells too much, for, +though she says nothing as to how lovage got its pretty name, we are +told that "lovage should be sown in March in any good garden soil." +Did we need to be told that? Is it not a rule of life? "In the Spring +a young man's fancy...." + + * * * * * + +To my mind, amongst the least forgettable books of the present year +will be that to which Mr. SETON GORDON, F.Z.S., has given the title +of _The Land of the Hills and the Glens_ (CASSELL). Mr. GORDON has +already a considerable reputation as a chronicler of the birds +and beasts (especially the less approachable birds) of his native +Highlands. The present volume is chiefly the result of spare-moment +activities during his service as coast-watcher among the Hebrides. +Despite its unpropitious title, I must describe it without hyperbole +as a production of wonder and delight. Of its forty-eight photographic +illustrations not one is short of amazing. We are become used to fine +achievement in this kind, but I am inclined to think Mr. GORDON goes +one better, both in the "atmosphere" of his mountain pictures and in +his studies of birds at home upon their nests. To judge, indeed, +by the unruffled domesticity of these latter, one would suppose Mr. +GORDON to have been regarded less as the prying ornithologist than as +the trusted family photographer. I except the golden eagle, last of +European autocrats, whose greeting appears always as a super-imperial +scowl. Chiefly these happy results seem to have been due to a triumph +of patient camouflage, concerning which the author suggests the +interesting theory that birds do not count beyond unity, _i.e._, +if two stalkers enter an ambush and one subsequently emerges, the +vigilance of the feathered watchers is immediately relaxed. Should +this be true, I can only hope that Mr. GORDON will get in another book +before the spread of higher education increases his difficulties. + + * * * * * + +I should be inclined to call Mr. NORMAN DOUGLAS our only example of +the romantic satirist, though, unless you have some previous knowledge +of his work, I almost despair of condensing the significance of this +into a paragraph. For one thing the mere exuberance of his imagination +is a rare refreshment in this restricted age. His latest book, +with the stimulating title of _They Went_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), is an +admirable example of this. Certainly no one else could have created +this exotic city with its painted palaces and copper-encrusted towers, +a vision of sea-mists and rainbows; or peopled it with so iridescent a +company--the strange princess; the queen, her mother; the senile king +who should have been (but wasn't) her father; _Theophilus_, the Greek +artist; the philosophic old Druidess, and the dwarfs who "chanted +squeaky hymns amid sacrifices of mushrooms and gold-dust." Perhaps +this random quotation may hint at the fantastic nature of the tale; +it can give no idea of the intelligence that directs it, mocking, +iconoclastic, almost violently individual. Plot, I fancy, seldom +troubles Mr. DOUGLAS greatly; it happens, or it does not. Meanwhile +he is far more concerned in fitting a double meaning (at least) to the +most simple-sounding phrase. To sum up, _They Went_ is perhaps not +for idle, certainly not for unintelligent, reading; for those who +can appreciate quality in a strange guise it will provide a feast of +unfamiliar flavours that may well create an appetite for more. + + * * * * * + +That clever writer, Mr. A. P. HERBERT, would lightly describe his +story, _The House by the River_ (METHUEN), as a "shocker." But +there are ways and ways of shocking. He might wish to show us the +embarrassments of a fairly respectable member of the intellectual +classes, living in a highly respectable environment, when he finds +that he has committed homicide; and he might make the details as +gruesome as he liked. But there was no need to shock the sensitive +when he made his choice of the circumstances in which the poet, +_Stephen Byrne_, inadvertently throttles his housemaid. It is a +fault, too, that his scheme only interests him so far as it concerns +_Stephen_ and his society, and that the horror of the tragedy from +what one may loosely call the victim's point of view does not seem to +affect him at all. Otherwise, even for the sake of brevity, he could +not so flippantly refer to the body, sewn in a sack and thrown into +the river, as just "Eliza." He may argue that he never thought of the +corpse as a real one and that the whole thing was merely an experiment +in imaginative art; but his details are too well realised for that, +and so is his admirable picture of the society of Hammerton Chase, +W., a thin disguise for a riverside neighbourhood easy to recognise. +I could never get myself quite to believe that _Stephen's_ friend, +_Egerton_, accessory after the fact, would so long and so tamely have +borne the suspicion of it; but for the rest Mr. HERBERT'S study of his +milieu shows a very intimate observation. If his _Stephen_, in +whom the highest poetic talents are found tainted with a touch +of coarseness, may not always be credible, the passion for +self-expression which leads him on to versify his own experience in +the form of a mediæval idyll, and so give himself away, is true to +life. But my final impression of Mr. HERBERT'S book--he will perhaps +think I am taking him too seriously--is that his many gifts and +notably his humour, whose gaiety I prefer to its grimness, are here +exercised on a rather unworthy theme. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARTYRS OF SCIENCE:--THE INVENTOR OF TOFFEE.] + + * * * * * + +=Fashions for Proxy-Fathers.= + + "The bride entered the church on the arm of Mr. T. ----, of + Happy Valley (who acted in loco parentis and was charmingly + attired in crepe-de-chine)."--_South African Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Is there anyone amongst the thousands of men who will benefit + who will be some an (please let the word remain, Mr. + Editor) as not to show his appreciation in the same + way?"--_Educational Paper._ + +Personally we think the Editor was a little too complaisant. + + * * * * * + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Page 361: Changed "corresponent" to "correspondent" + +(A corresponent writes to a contemporary) + + +Page 362: Removed extraneous single closing quote. + +("Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London.'"--_Australian Magazine_.) + + +Page 368: Changed "Pulman" to "Pullman" + +(a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car)] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 10, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 18114-8.txt or 18114-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/1/18114/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 3, 2006 [EBook #18114] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 159.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>November 10th, 1920.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page361" id="page361"></a>[pg 361]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p> +Now that the Presidential elections +are over it is hoped that any Irish-Americans +who joined the Sinn Fein +murder-gang for electioneering purposes +will go home again.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Owing to pressure on space, due +among other things to the American +election, the net sale controversy in +one of our contemporaries was held +over on Wednesday last. We are quite +sure that neither Senator <span class="sc">Harding</span> nor +Mr. <span class="sc">Cox</span> was aware of his responsibility +in the matter.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Lord <span class="sc">Howard de Walden</span> says, "I +would rather trust a crossing-sweeper +with an appreciation of +music than a man who +comes from a public school." +We agree. The former is +much more likely to have +been a professional musician +in his time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The mystery of the Scottish +golf club that was recently +inundated with applications +for membership is +now explained. It appears +that a caddy refused a tip +of sixpence offered him by +one of the less affluent members, +and the story somehow +leaked out.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +At one Hallowe'en dinner +held in London the haggis +was ten minutes late. It is +said that it had had trouble +with a dog on the way and +had come off second best.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The man who was heard +last week to say that he had no idea that +Mrs. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> had published a book of +memoirs has now, on the advice of his +friends, consented to see a doctor.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The clergy of Grays, in Essex, are +advocating the abolition of Sunday +funerals. It is said that quite a +number of strict Sabbatarians have a +rooted objection to being buried on +the Sabbath.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +According to an evening paper hawthorn +buds have been plucked at +Hornsey. We don't care.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A Liberal Independent writes to ask +if the Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, who has been +elected Lord Rector of Edinburgh +University, is the well-known Prime +Minister of that name.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A firm of music publishers have produced +what they describe as a three-quarter +one-step. It will soon be impossible +to go to a dance without +being accompanied by a professional +arithmetician.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +It seems that high prices have even +put an end to the chicken that used to +cross the road.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Only through poverty," says Mr. +<span class="sc">Maurice Hewlett</span>, "will England +thrive." As a result of this statement +we understand that several profiteers +have decided to get down to it once +again.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A Japanese arrested at Hull was +found to have seven revolvers and two +thousand rounds of ammunition on him. +It was pointed out to him that the War +was over long ago.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A contemporary refers to a romance +which ended in marriage. Alas! how +often this happens.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The United States Government has +decided to recognise the present Mexican +Government. Mexican bandits say they +had better take a good look at them +while there is yet time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A Prohibitionist asserts that Scotland +will be dry in five years. Our +own feeling is that these end-of-the-world +prognostications should be prohibited +by law.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +An Oxford professor has made himself +the subject of a series of experiments +on the effects of alcohol. Several +college professors of America quite +readily admit that they never thought +of that one.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A correspondent writes to a contemporary +to say that he wears a hat exactly +like <i>The Daily Mail</i> hat, and +that he purchased it long before <i>The +Daily Mail</i> was started. The audacity +of some people in thinking that anything +happened before <i>The Daily Mail</i> +started is simply appalling.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Three stars have recently been discovered +by an American. No, no; not +those stars, but stars in the heavens.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Whilst returning to camp one night +I walked right into a herd of elephants," +states a well-known explorer +in his memoirs. We have +always maintained that all +wild animals above the size +of a rabbit should carry two +head-lights and one rear-light +whilst travelling after +dark.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A small island was advertised +for sale last week. Just +the sort of thing for a bad +sailor to take with him when +crossing the Channel on a +rough day.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Everyone knows," a +writer in <i>The Daily Mail</i> +declares, "that electric light +in the poultry-house results +in more eggs." There may +be more of them but they +never have the real actinic +taste of the natural egg.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +An American inventor has +devised a scheme for lassoing +enemy submarines. This is a decided +improvement on the method of +just sticking a pin into them as they +whizz by.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Since the talk of Prohibition in Scotland, +we are informed that one concert +singer began the chorus of the famous +Scottish ballad by singing "O ye'll tak +the dry road."</p> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 520px;"> +<a href="images/361.png"><img src="images/361-520.png" width="520" height="450" alt="'Well, carry on, dear.'" /></a> +<p><i>Mrs. Jones</i>. <span class="sc">"You'd see in the papers, John, about the agitation +in favour of the wife governing the home.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Mr. Jones</i>. <span class="sc">"Well, carry on, dear</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<p> +From an article on "Bullies at the +Bar":—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"He who had read his 'Pickwick'—and who +has not?—will never forget the trial scene where +poor, innocent Mr. Pickwick is as wax in the +hands of the cross-examiner."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +We regret to say that, in our edition, +<i>Mr. Serjeant Snubbin</i> omitted to put +his client in the witness-box, and consequently +<i>Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz</i> never +had a chance of showing what he could +do with him.</p> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg 362]</span> + +<h2>BEFORE THE CENOTAPH</h2>. + +<h4><span class="sc">November 11th, 1920</span>.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Not with dark pomp of death we keep their day,</p> + <p class="i2">Theirs who have passed beyond the sight of men,</p> + <p class="i2">O'er whom the autumn strews its gold again,</p> + <p>And the grey sky bends to an earth as grey;</p> + <p>But we who live are silent even as they</p> + <p class="i2">While the world's heart marks one deep throb; and then,</p> + <p class="i2">Touched by the gleam of suns beyond our ken,</p> + <p>The Stone of Honour crowns the trodden way.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Above the people whom they died to save</p> + <p class="i2">Their shrine of sleep is set; abideth there</p> + <p>No dust corruptible, nought that death may have;</p> + <p class="i2">But from remembrance of the days that were</p> + <p>Rises proud sorrow in a resistless wave</p> + <p class="i2">That breaks upon the empty sepulchre.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24">D. M. S.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + + +<h2>OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY</h2>. + +<h4><span class="sc">Prize-Money</span>.</h4> +<p> +The really intriguing thing about Naval prize-money is +the fact that no one knows exactly where it comes from. +You don't win it by any definite act of superlative daring—I +mean to say, you don't have to creep out under cover of +darkness and return in the morning with an enemy battleship +in tow to qualify for a modicum of this mysterious +treasure. You just proceed serenely on your lawful occasions, +confident in the knowledge that incredible sums of +prize-money are piling themselves up for your ultimate +benefit. I suppose the authorities understand all about +it; nobody else does. One just lets it pile. It is a most +gratifying thought.</p> +<p> +During the more or less stormy times of the First Great +War, we of the Navy were always able to buttress our +resolution with golden hopes of a future opulence denied +to our less fortunate comrades in the trenches. Whenever +the struggle was going particularly badly for us—when, for +instance, a well-earned shore-leave had been unexpectedly +jammed or a tin of condensed milk had overturned into +somebody's sea-boot—we used to console each other with +cheerful reminders of this accumulating fruit of our endeavours. +"Think of the prize-money, my boy," we used +to exclaim; "meditate upon the jingling millions that will +be yours when the dreary vigil is ended;" and as by magic +the unseemly mutterings of wrath would give place to purrs +of pleasurable anticipation. Even we of the R.N.V.R., +mere temporary face-fringes, as it were, which the razor of +peace was soon to remove from the war-time visage of the +Service—even we fell under the spell. "Fourteen million +pounds!" we would gurgle, hugging ourselves with joy in +the darkness of the night-watches.</p> +<p> +In the months immediately following demobilisation I +was frequently stimulated by glittering visions of vast +wealth presently to be showered upon me from the swelling +coffers of a grateful Admiralty. During periods of +more or less temporary financial embarrassment I would +mention these expectations to my tailor and other restless +tradespeople of my acquaintance. "Fourteen millions—prize-money, +you know," I would say confidentially; +"may come in at any time now." I found this had a +soothing effect upon them.</p> +<p> +As the seasons rolled by, however; as summer and winter +ran their appointed courses and again the primrose pranked +the lea unaccompanied by any signs of vernal activity on +the part of the Paymaster-in-Chief, these visions of mine +became less insistent. I was at length obliged to confess +that another youthful illusion was fading; prize-money +began to take its place in my mind along with the sea-serpent +and similar figures of marine mythology. I was +frankly hurt; I ceased even to raise my hat when passing +the Admiralty Offices on the top of a bus.</p> +<p> +That was a month or two ago; everything is all right +again now. I once more experience the old pleasing thrill +of emotion when riding down Whitehall. I have come to +see how ungracious my recent attitude was.</p> +<p> +A chance meeting with Bunbury, late sub-Loot R.N.V.R. +and a sometime shipmate of mine—Bunbury and I had +squandered our valour recklessly together aboard the Tyne +drifters in the great days when Bellona wore bell-bottoms—sufficed +to bring me head-to-wind.</p> +<p> +In the course of conversation I referred to the non-fulfilment +of our early dreams; I spoke rather bitterly.</p> +<p> +"And there are fourteen millions somewhere belonging +to us," I concluded mutinously.</p> +<p> +Bunbury regarded me with pained surprise. "Really, +old sea-dog," he said, "this won't do. Never let the +engine-oil of discontent leak into the rum-cask of loyal +memories, you know. Now listen to me. Two years ago +you and I wore the wavy gold braid of a valiant life; we +surged along irresistibly in the wake of <span class="sc">Nelson</span>; we kept +the watch assigned. Does not your bosom very nearly +burst with pride to call those days to mind? It does. +What then? Has it never once occurred to you that the +last remaining link between us and the stirring past is +this very prize-money you are so eager to soil with the +grimy clutch of avarice? Don't you realize that this alone +exists to keep our memory green in the minds of our old +leaders at Whitehall? Picture the scene as it is. Someone +mentions the word 'prize-money.' Immediately the Lords +of the Admiralty reach for their record files and begin +turning over the pages. They come upon the names of +John Augustus Plimsoll—yourself—and Horatio Bunbury—me. +'Ah,' they exclaim fondly, 'two of our old gunroom +veterans—when shall we look upon their like again?' +Then they get up and go out to lunch.</p> +<p> +"A month or so later the same thing occurs; once more +our names leap out from the type-written page. 'Brave +boys,' they murmur, 'gallant lads! What should we have +done without them in the dark days? They shall have +their prize-money this very—why, bless my soul, if it isn't +one o'clock!'</p> +<p> +"Surely," pursued Bunbury earnestly, "you appreciate +the fine sentimental value of this one last tie? As long +as our prize-money is in the keeping of the Service we can +still think of it with intimate regard; we can still call ourselves +<span class="sc">Beatty's</span> boys and hide our blushes when the people +sing 'Rule, Britannia.' You must see that this is the only +large-hearted way of looking at the matter."</p> +<p> +"Bunbury, old sailor," I said, swallowing a lump in my +throat, "you have done me good; you have made me feel +ashamed of myself."</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +There can be no doubt that Bunbury is right. I am so +convinced of it that when next my tailor inquires anxiously +what steps are being taken for the distribution of prize-money +I shall put the matter to him just as Bunbury put +it to me. He is certain to understand.</p> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"The newest fashions are now being displayed in ——'s new dress +salons, so that it is an easy matter to select an entire winter outfit +with the minimum of ease."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth +edition in London."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Australian Magazine</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +A clear case for the S.P.C.A. (Society for the Prevention +of Cruelty to Authors).</p> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id="page363"></a>[pg 363]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 376px;"> +<a href="images/363.png"><img src="images/363-376.png" width="376" height="450" alt="ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES." /></a> +<h4>ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES.</h4> +<p><span class="sc">Lord Robert Cecil</span>. "I TRUST THAT AFTER ALL WE MAY SECURE AT LEAST YOUR +QUALIFIED SUPPORT FOR OUR LEAGUE OF NATIONS?"</p> +<p><span class="sc">U.S.A. President-Elect</span>: "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH OURS?"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page364" id="page364"></a>[pg 364]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/364.png"><img src="images/364-600.png" width="600" height="403" alt="Lumme, guv'nor, you'd better come in the middle of it then." /></a> +<p><i>Stout Gentleman (overhearing political discussion)</i>. "<span class="sc">Look here, my good fellow—I've been listening to your arguments; +and let me tell you we're all in the same boat</span>."</p> +<p><i>Politician</i>. "<span class="sc">Lumme, guv'nor, you'd better come in the middle of it then</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<h3>UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.</h3> +<p> +I think the time has come for me to +follow the example of so many other +people and offer to the world a few +pen pictures of prominent statesmen of +the day. I shall not call them "Shaving +Papers from Downing Street," nor +adopt the pseudonym of "The Man +with the Hot Water (or the Morning +Tea)," nor shall I roundly assert that +I have been the private secretary, the +doctor, the dentist or the washerwoman +of the great men of whom I speak. +Nevertheless I have sources of information +which I do not mean to disclose, +except to say that heavy persons who +sit down carelessly on sofas may unknowingly +inflict considerable pain, +through the sharp ends of broken +springs, on those beneath.</p> +<p> +I shall begin naturally with Mr. +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>.</p> +<p> +There is probably no statesman of +whom such widely different estimates +have been formed as the present Prime +Minister of Great Britain. I have heard +him compared with <span class="sc">Themistocles</span>, with +<span class="sc">Macchiavelli</span>, with <span class="sc">Mirabeau</span> (I think +it was <span class="sc">Mirabeau</span>, but it may have been +one of those other people beginning +with "M" in French history. Almost +everybody in French history began with +an "M," like the things that were drawn +by the three little girls in the well), +and even with the younger <span class="sc">Pitt</span>. I +have heard him spoken of as a charlatan, +as a chameleon, as a chatterbox, +and, by a man who had hoped that the +<span class="sc">Kaiser</span> would be hanged in Piccadilly +Circus, as a chouser. Almost all of +these estimates are thoroughly fallacious. +Let us take, for instance, <span class="sc">Macchiavelli</span>. +It was the declared opinion +of <span class="sc">Macchiavelli</span> that for the establishment +and maintenance of authority all +means may be resorted to and that the +worst and most treacherous acts of the +ruler, however unlawful in themselves, +are justified by the wickedness and +treachery of the governed. Has Mr. +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> ever said this? He +may have thought it, of course, but +has he ever said it? No. When one +considers that besides this dictum <span class="sc">Macchiavelli</span> +wrote seven books on the art +of war, a highly improper comedy, a life +of <span class="sc">Castruccio Castracani</span> (unfinished, +and can you wonder?), and was very +naturally put to the torture in 1513, it +will be seen how hopelessly the parallel +with Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> breaks down.</p> +<p> +Let us turn then to the younger +<span class="sc">Pitt</span>. I have read somewhere of +the younger <span class="sc">Pitt</span> that he cared more +for power than for measures, and was +ready to sacrifice great causes with +which he had sincerely sympathised +rather than raise an opposition that +might imperil his ascendency. That +is just the kind of nasty and long-winded +thing that anybody might say +about anybody. It was by disregarding +this kind of criticism that the younger +<span class="sc">Pitt</span> kept on being younger. But apart +from this, does Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +quote <span class="sc">Horace</span> in the House? Never, +thank goodness. How many times did +<span class="sc">William Pitt</span> cross the English Channel? +Only once in his whole life. That +settles it.</p> +<p> +The predominant note—I may almost +say the keynote—of the <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> +character is rather a personal +magnetism such as has never been +exercised by any statesman before or +after. When he rises to speak in the +House all eyes are riveted on him as +though with a vice until he has finished +speaking. Even when he has<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg 365]</span> +finished they sometimes have to be +removed by the Serjeant-at-Arms with +a chisel. His speeches have the moral +fervour and intensity of one of the +Minor Prophets—<span class="sc">Nahum</span> or <span class="sc">Amos</span>, in +the opinion of some critics, though I +personally incline to <span class="sc">Malachi</span> or <span class="sc">Habakkuk</span>. +This personal magnetism +which Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> radiates in +the House he radiates no less in +10, Downing Street, where a special +radiatorium has been added to the +breakfast-room to radiate it. Imagine an +April morning, a kingfisher on a woody +stream, poplar-leaves in the wind, a +shower of sugar shaken suddenly from +a sifter, and you have the man.</p> +<p> +It has been said that Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> has quarrelled with some of +his nearest friends; but this again is a +thing that might happen to anybody. +Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> may have had +certain slight differences of opinion +with Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span>, but what +about <span class="sc">Henry VIII</span>. and <span class="sc">Wolsey</span>? and +<span class="sc">Henry V</span>. and <i>Falstaff</i>? and <span class="sc">Henry II</span>. +and <span class="sc">Thomas à Becket</span>?</p> +<p> +Talking of <span class="sc">Thomas à Becket</span>, rather +a curious story has been told to me, +which I give for what it is worth. It +is stated that some time ago Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> was so enraged by attacks in +a certain section of the Press that he +shouted suddenly, after breakfast one +morning in Downing Street, "Will no +one rid me of this turbulent scribe?" +Whereupon four knights in his secretarial +retinue drew their swords and +set out immediately for Printing House +Square. Fortunately there happened +to be a breakdown on the Metropolitan +Railway that day, so that nothing untoward +occurred.</p> +<p> +I sometimes think that if one can +imagine the eloquence of <span class="sc">Savonarola</span> +blended with the wiliness of <span class="sc">Ulysses</span> +and grafted on to the strength and firmness +of <span class="sc">Oliver Cromwell</span>, we have the +best historical parallel for Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span>. It ought to be remembered +that the grandfather of <span class="sc">Oliver Cromwell</span> +came from Wales and that the +<span class="sc">Protector</span> is somewhere described as +"Oliver Cromwell <i>alias</i> Williams." +Something of that old power of dispensing +with stupid Parliamentary +opinion seems to have descended to +our present <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>. There +is one difference, however. <span class="sc">Oliver +Cromwell's</span> famous advice to his followers +was to trust in Divine Providence +"and keep your powder dry." +Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> puts his powder +in jam.</p> +<p class="author"> +K.</p> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<h4>Our Patient Fishermen.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. ——, jun., had another salmon on the +Finavon Water. This is the second he has +secured since the flood."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Scotch Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;"> +<a href="images/365.png"><img src="images/365-341.png" width="341" height="450" alt="... Why, durin' the War it was all 'Ma, Ma, 'ave you any matches?'" /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Don't turn your 'ead away, my lord. Why, durin' the War it was all +'Ma, Ma, 'ave you any matches?'</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">The Whale</span>.</h4> +<p class="center"> +<span class="sc"><i>Air</i></span>.—<i>"The Tarpaulin Jacket."</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>The whale has a beautiful figure,</p> + <p class="i2">Which he makes every effort to spoil,</p> + <p>For he knows if he gets a bit bigger</p> + <p class="i2">He increases the output of oil.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>That is why he insists upon swathing</p> + <p class="i2">His person with layers of fat.</p> + <p>You have seen a financier bathing?</p> + <p class="i2">Well, the whale is a little like that.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>At heart he's as mild as a pigeon</p> + <p class="i2">And extremely attached to his wife,</p> + <p>But getting mixed up with religion</p> + <p class="i2">Has ruined the animal's life.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>For in spite of his tact and discretion</p> + <p class="i2">There is fixed in the popular mind</p> + <p>A wholly mistaken impression</p> + <p class="i2">That the whale is abrupt and unkind.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And it's simply because of the prophet</p> + <p class="i2">Who got into a ship for Tarshish</p> + <p>But was thrown (very properly) off it</p> + <p class="i2">And swallowed alive by "a fish."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I should not, of course, have contested</p> + <p class="i2">The material truth of the tale</p> + <p>If the prophet himself had suggested</p> + <p class="i2">That the creature at fault was a whale.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But the prophet had no such suspicion,</p> + <p class="i2">And that is convincing because</p> + <p>He was constantly in a position</p> + <p class="i2">To see what the miscreant was.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And this is what punctures the bubble,</p> + <p class="i2">As <span class="sc">Jonah</span>, no doubt, was aware:</p> + <p>"A <i>fish</i>" was the cause of the trouble,</p> + <p class="i2">But the whale is a <i>mammal</i>. So there!</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24">A. P. H.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <br /><hr /><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page366" id="page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> + +<h2>THE LIGHT FANTASTIC</h2> +<p> +"Dancers are born, not made," said +John.</p> +<p> +"<i>Some</i> are born dancers," corrected +Cecilia, "others achieve dancing."</p> +<p> +"Well, I'm not going to have it thrust +on me any way," retorted John. "I never +have liked dancing and I never shall. +I haven't danced for years and years +and I don't intend to. I don't know +any of these new-fangled dances and I +don't want to."</p> +<p> +"Don't be so obstinate," said Cecilia. +"What you want doesn't matter. +You've got to learn, so you may as well +give way decently. Come along now, +I'll play for you, and Margery will show +you the steps."</p> +<p> +"If Margery attempts to show me +the steps I shall show her the door. +I won't be bullied in my own house. +Why don't you make your brother +dance, if somebody must?" said John, +waving his arm at me.</p> +<p> +"Come on, Alan," said Margery; "we +can't waste our time on him. Come and +show him how it's done."</p> +<p> +"My dear little sister," I said sweetly, +"I should simply love it, but the fact +is—I can't."</p> +<p> +"Can't," echoed Margery. "Why +not?"</p> +<p> +"I hate to mention these things," +I explained, "but the fact is I took part +in a war that has been on recently, and +I have a bad hip, honourable legacy of +same."</p> +<p> +"Oh, Alan," said Margery, "how can +you? Your hip's absolutely fit, you +know it is. You haven't mentioned it +for months."</p> +<p> +"My dear Margery," I said, drawing +myself up, "I hope your brother +knows how to suffer in silence. But +if you suppose that because I don't +complain—Great heavens, child, +sometimes in the long silent watches +of the night—"</p> +<p> +"Well, how about, tennis, then?" +said Margery. "You've been playing +all this summer, you know you have."</p> +<p> +"All what summer?" I asked.</p> +<p> +"That's a good one," said John; +"I bet she can't answer that."</p> +<p> +"Don't quibble," said Margery.</p> +<p> +"Don't squabble," said Cecilia.</p> +<p> +"Yes, stop squibbling," said John.</p> +<p> +"I'm not quabbling," said I.</p> +<p> +John and I leaned against each other +and laughed helplessly.</p> +<p> +"When you have finished," said Cecilia +with a cold eye, "perhaps you will +decide which of you is going to have +the first lesson."</p> +<p> +"Good heavens," said John tragically, +"haven't they forgotten the dancing +yet?"</p> +<p> +"We may as well give way, John," +I said; "we shall get no peace until +we do."</p> +<p> +"I suppose not," said John dismally +"Very well, then, you're her brother +you shall have first go."</p> +<p> +He waved me politely to Margery.</p> +<p> +"Not at all," I said quickly +"Brothers-in-law first in our family—always."</p> +<p> +"Could we both come together?" +asked John.</p> +<p> +"No, you can't," said Margery.</p> +<p> +"Then we must toss for it," said +John, producing a coin.</p> +<p> +"Tails," I called.</p> +<p> +"Tails it is," said John, walking +across the room to Margery.</p> +<p> +And the lesson commenced.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"<i>Chassée</i> to the right, <i>chassée</i> to the +left, two steps forward, two steps backward, +twinkle each way—"</p> +<p> +"Five shillings on Twinkle, please," +I interrupted.</p> +<p> +Margery stopped and looked at me.</p> +<p> +"You keep quiet, Alan," shouted +Cecilia, cheerfully banging the piano.</p> +<p> +"I shall never learn," said John +miserably from the middle of the room, +"not in a thousand years."</p> +<p> +"Yes, you will," encouraged Margery. +"Just listen. <i>Chassée</i> to the right, +<i>chassée</i> to the left, two steps forward, +two steps back, twinkle each way—"</p> +<p> +"Take away the number you first +thought of," I suggested, "and the +answer's the Louisiana Glide."</p> +<p> +"To finish up," said Margery, "we +grasp each other firmly, prance round, +two bars...."</p> +<p> +"That sounds a bit better," said John.</p> +<p> +" ... then waltz four bars," continued +Margery, "and that's all. Come on, +now."</p> +<p> +They came on....</p> +<p> +"Good," said Margery as they finished +up; "he's doing it splendidly, Cecilia."</p> +<p> +John beamed complacently.</p> +<p> +"I got through that last bit rather +well," he said; "'pon my word, there's +more in this dancing than I thought. I +quite enjoyed that twinkling business."</p> +<p> +"Have another one," I suggested.</p> +<p> +"Don't mind if I do,"said John. "May +I have the pleasure?" with a courtly +bow to Margery.</p> +<p> +They re-commenced.</p> +<p> +"That's right," said Margery; "now +two forward."</p> +<p> +"I must have a natural genius for +dancing," said John, conversing easily; +"I seem to ... Do we twinkle next?"</p> +<p> +"Yes," said Margery.</p> +<p> +"I seem to fall into it naturally."</p> +<p> +"Look out!" shrieked Margery.</p> +<p> +I don't know exactly what happened; +I rather think John got his gears mixed +up in the twinkling business. At any +rate, one of his feet shot up in the air, +he made a wild grab at nothing and +tripped heavily backwards into the +hearth. The piano was drowned in +general uproar.</p> +<p> +John arose with difficulty from the +ashes and addressed himself haughtily +to Cecilia.</p> +<p> +"I can understand that these two," +he said, waving a black but contemptuous +hand at Margery and myself, +"should scream with delight. +Their whole conception of humour is +bound up with banana-skins and +orange-peel. But may I ask why <i>you</i> +should have hysterics because your +husband has fallen into the fireplace?"</p> +<p> +"'You seemed to fall into it so +naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky voice.</p> +<p> +"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am +trying—please—if only you would take +that piece of soot off your nose—" +She dabbed her eyes and wept helplessly.</p> +<p> +John rubbed his nose quickly and +walked to the door.</p> +<p> +"If you want my opinion of dancing," +he said bitterly, "I think it's a +low pagan habit."</p> +<p> +"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang +Margery.</p> +<p> +"Bah!" said John, and banged the +door.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE NEW UTOPIA.</h3> +<p class="center"><span style="font-size: 0.8em;"> +[Suggested by Mr. J. H. <span class="sc">Thomas's</span> book, +just out, with a Red Flag on the wrapper.]</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>O England, with what joy I hail</p> + <p class="i2">The master-hand that calms and cools</p> + <p>In <span class="sc">Thomas's</span> entrancing tale,</p> + <p class="i8"><i>When Labour Rules</i>.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>There will be no more serfs and slaves;</p> + <p class="i2">There will be no more feudal fools;</p> + <p>The <span class="sc">King</span> may stay, if he behaves,</p> + <p class="i8">When Labour rules.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Workers, in Downing Street installed,</p> + <p class="i2">Will never think of downing tools;</p> + <p>Strikes clearly never will be called</p> + <p class="i8">When Labour rules.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>The hand of brotherhood that knits</p> + <p class="i2">At present Tom and Dick with Jules</p> + <p>Will be extended to good Fritz,</p> + <p class="i8">When Labour rules.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>The vile capitalistic crew</p> + <p class="i2">Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls</p> + <p>Will vanish in the boundless blue</p> + <p class="i8">When Labour rules.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p> Our children will be standardized</p> + <p class="i2">In psycho-analytic schools,</p> + <p>And brains completely equalized</p> + <p class="i8">When Labour rules.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>O Paradise! O frabjous day!</p> + <p class="i2">When 'neath the flag of flaming gules</p> + <p>Labour shall hold unchallenged sway—</p> + <p class="i8">When <span class="sc">Thomas</span> rules.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg 367]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> +<a href="images/367.png"><img src="images/367-345.png" width="345" height="450" alt="MANNERS AND MODES" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">Following the enormous success +of <i>The Daily Mail</i> hat</span>—</p> +<p>—<span class="sc">We look forward anxiously +to <i>The Times</i> cravat</span>—</p> +<p>—<span class="sc"><i>The Telegraph</i> coat</span>—</p> +<p>—<span class="sc"><i>The Chronicle</i> quilted bags</span></p> +<p>—<span class="sc"><i>The Herald</i> patent sabots</span>.</p> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Study of an Impartial Reader</span>.</p> +<h3>MANNERS AND MODES</h3> +</div><br /><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg 368]</span> + + <hr /> + +<h2>GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS</h2> +<p> +"Genf," like "Genève," is the Swiss +for "Geneva." It was selected, nearly +two years ago, as the seat of the League +of Nations. In a few days the League +arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, +company, corporation or league, having +provided itself with a seat, ever waited +so long before it came and sat upon it.</p> +<p> +You will remember a learned treatise +of mine in these pages on the subject of +Lucerne, written in August last, when +our <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> came and sat there. +I make my living by writing up the towns +of Switzerland as one by one they get +sat on. As there are not more than half-a-dozen +eligible +towns in Switzerland, +and as we shall +have exhausted two +of them in less than +half a year, the living +I make is a precarious +one; in +other words I shall +soon be dead. Well, +well! A short life and +a merry one, say I. +You must admit a +touch of subtle merriment +in that word +"Genf."</p> +<p> +To get to Geneva +you provide yourself +with a passport, +a book of rail and +steamer tickets, a +ticket for a seat in +the Pulman car, a +ticket for a berth in +the sleeping-car and +a ticket for the registration +of your +luggage. In short, +by the time you are +in France you will +have had pass through your hands one +passport and eleven tickets; and the +first thing you will do upon settling down +into the French train is to compete and +intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your +lunch. You will find that this useless +ticket will follow you all the way to +Geneva and will always assert itself +when you are accosted by a ticket inspector. +I even know a traveller who +arrived eventually at the Swiss frontier +with no other paper of identity or justification; +for a passport which should +have given his name, address, motive +for travelling, shape of mouth, size of +nose and any other peculiarities, he +could only tender documentary evidence +of his having eaten the nineteenth lunch +of the first series of the day before.</p> +<p> +Two things catch the eye about +Geneva. In the first place it is on a +lake, and in the second place it is +always brimful of International Unions, +Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. +The lake is navigated in the season by +a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of +these, a two-hundred tonner, used to +call every morning of the season at +the little pier outside my house to take +me to business, and brought me back +again every evening. By the pier rests +an old, old man whose only duty in life +it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown +from the incoming liner. Twice a day +for four months that hawser was thrown +for the old man to catch, and twice a +day for four months he missed it. I +spoke to him about this on the last +day, and he showed a fine courage +which nothing can depress. Next +season he means to try again. As he +will be out of a job in the interval I am +plotting to secure for him the post of +naval expert to the League.</p> +<p> +Turning from the lake to the international +delegates, who abound in +Geneva, it is to be noted that the last +lot here were the International Congress +of Leagues of Women. Their main +agendum was to pronounce their complete +independence of men. One of +these delegates went for a row on the +lake and fell in. She was pulled out +again by a man.</p> +<p> +You will find that Geneva was nominated +as the seat of the League in the +Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, +the people of Geneva have been busy conjecturing +what the League of Nations +will do upon its arrival in Geneva. It +will do exactly what you and I would +do in similar circumstances. Stepping +out of the station exit it will hurry off +to its hotel. But when Leagues go to +hotels they buy the darned things +outright. I don't know what they do +about notices on the walls; alter some +and remove others, no doubt. The international +delegates will be requested +to ring once for the political expert, +twice for the military expert and three +times for the naval expert. If my old +man gets the last-named job they will +have to ring rather more than three +times if they want him to come up <i>at +once</i> and discuss schemes for readjusting +the various oceans.</p> +<p> +As to the other usual decorations of +hotel bedroom walls, +the notice will be +removed which informs +all concerned +that the management +will not be held +responsible for valuables, +unless these +be deposited in the +office safe, though +this will not be intended +to indicate +that the new management +has doubts +as to the safety even +of its own safe.</p> +<p> +The "Hôtel National," +which is the +hotel in question, +was in process of +complete reconstruction +when the purchase +took place. A +bathroom has been +annexed to every +room. Presumably +every international +delegate will have a +suite allotted to his +nation. The question +I ask myself is this, Will he put himself +in the room and his secretaries in the +bathroom, or himself in the bathroom +and the secretaries in the room? And +the answer I make to myself is as follows: +The delegate will appoint the +room to be his room and the bathroom +to be his bathroom and will leave his +secretaries to make the best of things +out in the corridor. The suggestion +you will probably make is that there +are more suites of rooms than nations; +that I must leave you to work out for +yourself. The number of suites of rooms +is ascertainable, but no one seems able +to inform me how many nations there +are. Personally every time I pick up +a newspaper I seem to discover a new +one. However that may be, the nations +are now all formed into their League, +and may the best one win the Cup +Final, say I!</p> +<p class="author"> +F. O. L.</p> + + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width: 572px;"> +<a href="images/368.png"><img src="images/368-572.png" width="572" height="450" alt="The Profiteer. 'What! Not the new Rolls-Royce?'" /></a> +<p><i>The Profiteer's Wife.</i> "<span class="sc">Heavens! Margaret has eloped with the chauffeur +in the car</span>."</p> +<p><i>The Profiteer.</i> "<span class="sc"><i>What!</i> Not the new Rolls-Royce</span>?"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg 369]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 418px;"> +<a href="images/369.png"><img src="images/369-418.png" width="418" height="450" alt="THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION." /></a> +<h4>THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.</h4> +</div> +<table width="450px" align="center" summary="comments" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left">1914.</td> + <td class="left">1920.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">"Don't 'e look lovely in 'is uniform?"</td> + <td class="left">"E's got civvy boots on!"</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">"I do like a play wiv a bit of fightin' in it."</td> + <td class="left">"Take 'is blinkin' name, Sergeant, an' get 'is blinkin' 'air cut."</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">"O, ain't 'e sweet!"</td> + <td class="left">"What are yer, Sick Parade?"</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">"Makes you feel all shiverylike when 'e waves 'is sword an' all, don't it?"</td> + <td class="left" valign="top">"Fall in, defaulters."</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">"Oo, I 'ope they're not going to fire no guns."</td> + <td class="left" valign="top">"'Oo stole the rum?"</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<h3>FOR THE CHILDREN</h3> +<p> +Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help +in a good cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his +readers on behalf of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which +Her Majesty the <span class="sc">Queen</span> is Patroness. This Home cares +for invalid children, from very little ones of only a few +months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of fifteen. +There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they +stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during +which they receive careful medical attention, and have all +their needs tended, body and mind. Many of them have +lost a leg or an arm and nearly all have some bandaged +limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive to learn the +duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their uniform.</p> +<p> +The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping +necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is +compelled to plead for further help. Mr. Punch invites his +readers to send for a report and see for themselves the very +touching pictures which it gives, in an admirable set of +photographs, of the life of these children in their happy +surroundings.</p> +<p> +All communications and gifts should be addressed to the +Secretary of the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at +75, Denison House, Vauxhall Bridge Road, S.W.</p> + + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg 370]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 595px;"> +<a href="images/370.png"><img src="images/370-595.png" width="595" height="450" alt="Minister's Wife. 'Are you always as feeble as this, Mr. Macpherson? Do you never feel stronger?'" /></a> +<p><i>Minister's Wife.</i> "<span class="sc">Are you always as feeble as this, Mr. Macpherson? Do you never feel stronger</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Macpherson.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah weel, Me'm, as the Meenister wad tell ye himsel', any sma' measure o' health that ah hae is +just aboot mealtimes</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/poem-title.png" width="400" height="32" alt="The Unknown Warrior." title="The Unknown Warrior." /> +</div> +<h4><span class="sc">Westminster Abbey, November 11th, 1920</span>.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Here lies a warrior, he alone</p> +<p>Nameless among the named and known;</p> +<p>None nobler, though by word and deed</p> +<p>Nobly they served their country's need,</p> +<p>And won their rest by right of worth</p> +<p>Within this storied plot of earth.</p> +<p>Great gifts to her they gave, but he—</p> +<p>He gave his life to keep her free.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24">O. S.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE NEW JOURNALISM.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like the +circulation of <i>The Daily Mail</i>. Pennsylvania gives him a majority +which appears equal to the circulation of <i>The Evening News</i>. It is +phenomenal."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>The Evening News.</i>] +</p></blockquote> +<p> +The method which is being used just now by some of +Mr. Punch's contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations +does not, it will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, +though doubtless it has its advantages from the advertising +point of view. The following items of news are intelligently +anticipated.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a +result of the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the +number of quires of "returns" of last week's <i>Pawkiesheils +Gazette</i>. It is insignificant.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield +proves that there were as many men in favour of rejecting +the Government proposals as would have provided ten readers +for each copy sold (<i>not</i> merely printed) of the last issue of +<i>The Chowbent and Chequerbent Chronicle</i>. It is magnificent.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen +and another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write +piquant reviews of Mrs. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> autobiography, the sale +of the work will probably greatly exceed the numbers of +copies of the latest Blue Book issued by H.M. Stationery +Office. It is unthinkable.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a +certain cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, +as many people will go to see the show in the first week as +there are feet in the film—without counting those who +will sneak round for a free view of "The Stage Door of the +Diadem Theatre." It is good business.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at +51/- from Messrs. ——'s."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Sunday Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +At that price they must have been very plain cooks.</p> + + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 370px;"> +<a href="images/371.png"><img src="images/371-370.png" width="370" height="450" alt="THE SHRINE OF HONOUR." /></a> +<h3>THE SHRINE OF HONOUR.</h3> +<p>"WHO GOES THERE?"</p> +<p>"I HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY."</p> +<p>"PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR."</p> +</div><br /><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg 373]</span> + + + <hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p> +<i>Monday, November 1st.</i>—In response +to a renewed demand for the Admiralty's +account of the Battle of Jutland +the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> made the remarkable +statement that it was very difficult +to get "an official <i>and impartial</i> account," +but he added that the Government +were willing to publish all the +reports and despatches on the subject +and leave the public to judge.</p> + +<p class="note"> +Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree?<br /> +Why, <span class="sc">Julian Corbett</span>, or the great B.P.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"> +<a href="images/373-1.png"><img src="images/373-1-200.png" width="200" height="280" alt="'ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM.'" /></a> +<h5>"ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM."</h5> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sir Frederick Banbury.</span></p> +</div> + +<p> +Owing to the unexpectedly rapid +passage through Committee of the +Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, +the way was cleared for a number of +British measures. Although dealing +with the most diverse subjects they +were alike in one respect—without exception +they incurred the hostility of +Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>. Whether it was a +proposal to reduce the dangers of employing +women in lead processes or to +give married women in Scotland the +same privileges as their English sisters +(including the duty of supporting an +indigent husband), or to hold an Empire +Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile +Courts, the hon. baronet found reason +for opposing them all.</p> +<p> +Once or twice he secured the support +of Sir <span class="sc">John Rees</span>, but for the most +part he was <i>Athanasius contra mundum</i>, +maintaining his equanimity even when +Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> advised him to "marry a +Scotswoman;" or Lady <span class="sc">Astor</span> expressed +her regret that he had not women, instead +of bankers, for his constituents.</p> + +<p> +The Government had no reason to +complain of his activity, which may +indeed have prevented the intrusion of +more dangerous critics; for despite his +efforts every Bill went through.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"> +<a href="images/373-2.png"><img src="images/373-2-200.png" width="200" height="253" alt="Lord Loreburn." /></a> +<p>"No supporter of Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>."</p> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Lord Loreburn.</span></p> +</div> + +<p> +<i>Tuesday, November 2nd.</i>—The most +striking thing in Lord <span class="sc">Loreburn's</span> +speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me +to be his uncompromising declaration +that he was "no supporter of Mr. +<span class="sc">Asquith</span>." He endorsed, however, his +former chief's demand for an independent +inquiry into the reprisals, but +his motion was defeated by 44 to 13.</p> + +<p> +Ever since Sir <span class="sc">W. Joynson-Hicks</span> +defeated Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> at Manchester +he has felt it his duty to keep on his +track. Convinced that our policy in +Mesopotamia is due to the <span class="sc">War Minister's</span> +megalomania he is most anxious +to bring him to book. The prospect of +a Supplementary Estimate for the Army +seemed likely to furnish the desired +occasion. But when he pressed Mr. +<span class="sc">Churchill</span> on the subject the alleged +spendthrift airily replied that there was +no hurry; "I do not immediately require +money."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"> +<a href="images/373-3.png"><img src="images/373-3-200.png" width="200" height="328" alt="'OLD GOLLIWOG.'" /></a> +<h5>"OLD GOLLIWOG."</h5> +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">C. B. Stanton</span> +(<i>As viewed by Mr. <span class="sc">Jack Jones</span></i>).</p> +</div> + +<p> +The gloom of the daily Irish catechism +was a little brightened by an +interchange of pleasantries between +Mr. <span class="sc">Stanton</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Jack Jones</span>. On +this occasion the latter had rather the +best of it. "Golliwog!" he shouted in +allusion to his opponent's luxuriant +<i>chevelure</i>. Mr. <span class="sc">Stanton</span> could think of +no better retort than the stereotyped +"Bolshie!" and when Mr. <span class="sc">Jones</span> rejoined +with "You ought to be put into +Madame Tussaud's" Mr. <span class="sc">Stanton</span> was +reduced to silence. But is it not a +scandal that these entertaining comedians +should only get four hundred +a year?</p> + + + +<p> +On the Agriculture Bill Sir <span class="sc">A. Griffith-Boscawen</span> +was faced with an +urgent demand for a separate Wages +Board for Wales. First he wouldn't; it +would be "an exceedingly inconvenient +and expensive arrangement." But the +Welshmen were so insistent that he +changed his mind, and when the vigilant +Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span> challenged the +new clause on the ground that it would +impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer +Sir <span class="sc">Arthur</span> was able to convince the +<span class="sc">Speaker</span> that, though there would be +"additional expenditure," there would +be no "fresh charge." Such are the +nice distinctions of our Parliamentary +system.</p> +<p> +<i>Wednesday, November 3rd.</i>—When +Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>, some sixteen years +ago, crossed the floor of the House, his +manœuvre was regarded as a portent, +and men talked of "a sinking ship." +It cannot be said that Lord <span class="sc">Henry +Bentinck's</span> sudden appearance among +the Labour Members created anything +like the same sensation, even though he +was joined a little later by Mr. <span class="sc">Oswald +Mosley</span>. Lord <span class="sc">Henry</span> has always derived +his political opinions rather from +his heart than his head, and has lately +developed a habit of firing explosive +Questions at Ministers from his eyrie +behind their backs. They will probably +find his frontal attacks less disconcerting.</p> + +<p> +While Lord <span class="sc">Henry</span> was in the House, +off and on, for thirty-four years before +discovering that he was on the wrong +side, Mr. <span class="sc">Mosley</span> has made the same discovery <span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id="page374"></a>[pg 374]</span> +after an experience of barely as +many weeks. From his new perch he +inquired this afternoon if Government +cement was being sent abroad, to the +detriment of British builders. Dr. +<span class="sc">Addison</span> contented himself with professing +ignorance of any such transaction. +A less serious Minister might +have replied that the Government +needed all their cement to mend the +cracks in the Coalition.</p> +<p> +News that the coal-strike was over +reached the House during the evening. +Mr. <span class="sc">Bridgeman</span>, always cautious, "understood" +that the men had been +"recommended" to go back to work. +Mr. <span class="sc">Adamson</span>, fresh from the Conference, +was much more downright. "The +strike," he said, "has been declared off, +and the men return to +work." So that's that.</p> +<p> +<i>Thursday, November +4th.</i>—Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury's</span> +complaint that +the Government's policy +in Egypt was +shrouded in more than +Egyptian darkness +brought a spirited reply +from Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span>, +who declared that +every stage in the negotiations +had been +fully revealed in the +Press. If no definite +decision as to the future +government of +the country had been +published that was +simply because the +Cabinet had not yet +had time to make up +its collective mind. +Judging by Lord <span class="sc">Milner's</span> +subsequent account +of his Mission, +it would appear that +the process will be long and stormy. +The Mission went to Cairo to sound +the feeling of the Nationalists, but for +all practical purposes they might as +well have stopped in London, where +they ultimately interviewed <span class="sc">Zaghlul +Pasha</span> and his colleagues, and obtained +information which materially altered +and softened their previous views. The +best Nationalists were not anti-British, +but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord <span class="sc">Milner's</span> +final appeal, that his piece should +not be hissed off the stage before it had +been heard, sounded a little ominous.</p> +<p> +Mr. <span class="sc">L'Estrange Malone</span> is not very +popular in the House of Commons just +now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" +to the <span class="sc">War Minister</span> he +was so persistently "boo-ed" that the +<span class="sc">Speaker</span> had to intervene to secure +him a hearing. Mr. <span class="sc">Lowther</span> probably +repented his kindness when it appeared +that Mr. <span class="sc">Malone</span> had nothing more +urgent to say than that Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> +would be better employed in looking +after the troops in Ireland than in reviewing +books for <i>The Daily Mail</i>.</p> +<p> +For the third day in succession Mr. +<span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> essayed to move the +adjournment in order to call attention +to what he called "the policy of frightfulness" +in Ireland. This time the +<span class="sc">Speaker</span> accepted the motion, but the +ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive +kind. Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> gave another +exhibition of stage-fury. He objected +to the word "reprisals" being used for +the "infamies" going on in Ireland, +declared that the Government were +responsible for all the murders and prophesied +that the present <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span>, +"with all his outward appearance +of great masculinity," would fail, as +<span class="sc">Balfour</span> and <span class="sc">Cromwell</span>—the House +enjoyed this concatenation—had failed +before him.</p> +<p> +In points of detail Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> +conceded a little more to his +critics than on some former occasions. +He undertook to consider whether the +Government should compensate the +owners of creameries or other property +wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted +that some constables had exceeded their +duty, nine of them being actually under +arrest on various charges. But on the +main point he was adamant. Quoting +the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, +"They have declared war upon us and +I suppose war it must be," the <span class="sc">Chief +Secretary</span> said in his most emphatic +tones, "War it will be until assassination +stops."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 597px;"> +<a href="images/374.png"><img src="images/374-597.png" width="597" height="450" alt="'Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a fine bird her son had provided her with.'" /></a> +<p>"Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a fine bird her son had +provided her with."</p> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Wales and Sir A. Griffith-Boscawen.</span></p> +</div><br /><br /> + + + <hr /> + +<h3>STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS.</h3> +<p> +Stuttfield was nothing of a <span class="sc">Nero</span>. +He would never have fiddled while +Rome burned. He would have been +more likely to imagine that Rome was +burning when there was really nothing +more going on than a bonfire. He is +one more example of the pernicious +influence of sensational literature upon +a nervous temperament.</p> +<p> +It all began through Stuttfield finding +a copy of <i>The Daily Blast</i> in a railway +carriage last June. This journal +is printed on white paper, but the tendency +of its contents is ruddy—that is +to say, it has "Red" leanings. It was +a revelation to Stuttfield.</p> +<p> +"Are people <i>allowed</i> to say such +things?" he asked me +in horror.</p> +<p> +"My dear fellow, no +one takes it seriously," +I said. "Don't you +worry."</p> +<p> +But Stuttfield did +worry. <i>The Daily +Blast</i> had the same +effect upon him as a +snake has upon a rabbit; +it terrified him, +yet he could not run +away from it. In fact +he became a regular +subscriber and continued +so despite some +rumours that it was +supported financially +by the Rougetanians—rumours +which required, +and received, +a great deal of explanation.</p> +<p> +Then, through the +offices of his man-servant, +he obtained a +copy of <i>The Volcano</i>.</p> +<p> +<i>The Volcano</i> appears to be in advance +of <i>The Daily Blast</i> in its ideals, and immensely +so in their expression. But +here again I assured Stuttfield that no +one took them seriously. "I don't suppose +they take themselves seriously," +I assured him. "They want to sell +<i>The Volcano</i>, that's all."</p> +<p> +"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do +sell it, and people read it."</p> +<p> +"I expect the circulation's about +two thousand a week," I said consolingly. +But Stuttfield, as I could see, +was not consoled.</p> +<p> +I met him at intervals after that, +and on each occasion he seemed to be +more obsessed with the notion that +the "Reds" would overwhelm us all +shortly.</p> +<p> +"Russia is Red," he whispered; he +always whispers now for fear of being +overheard by a Red agent, though<span class="pagenum"><a name="page375" id="page375"></a>[pg 375]</span> +there was not very much risk of that +in St. James's Street. "And what +about India and China?"</p> +<p> +"Red, black and yellow—the Zingari +colours," I said ribaldly, and Stuttfield +left me in disgust.</p> +<p> +Then I heard from a friend that he +had sold his cottage at Redhill. This +was a bad sign, and I went to see him. +I found him much worse.</p> +<p> +"You've taken an overdose of <i>The +Volcano</i>," I said.</p> +<p> +He seized my arm with trembling +fingers.</p> +<p> +"The Red Revolution is upon us," +he hissed.</p> +<p> +I laughed. "Don't you worry about +the Red Revolution. You come out to +lunch."</p> +<p> +He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs +and restaurants would be attacked first, +he thought. If we lunched together it +had better be in an eating-house in Bermondsey. +"I have a disguise," he said, +and disclosed a complete proletarian +outfit.</p> +<p> +"Well, I haven't," I said. "Not that +these clothes of mine will lead anyone +to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so +far as lunch goes, hadn't we better be +killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than +by tripe in Bermondsey?"</p> +<p> +Stuttfield could not but admit the +sense of this, so we started out.</p> +<p> +It is widely recognised that Flag +Days, however admirable their objects, +have been a little overdone. But it was +sheer bad luck that brought Stuttfield +face to face with a flag-seller just as we +were entering the Fitz. She came at +him with a determined aspect and began +"The Red Cr——"</p> +<p> +It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was +across the pavement and into a taxi +before I could stop him. There was +nothing for me to do but follow him.</p> +<p> +"Where are we going?" I asked.</p> +<p> +"Waterloo," he answered through +blanched lips. I could get nothing more +from him.</p> +<p> +At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving +me to pay the cab, and disappeared into +the station. I followed as quickly as I +could, but he was nowhere to be seen.</p> +<p> +"Where would he go to hide from the +Reds?" I asked myself. Suddenly I +had an idea about his destination.</p> +<p> +I was right. In the foremost carriage +I found him. I tried to persuade him +to come out, but he clung to the rack. +So I left him. I have not seen him since.</p> +<p> +I hope he feels safe in the Isle of +Wight.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"You can burn your slack cook in oven in +our —— Grate."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Advt. in Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +But now that the coal strike is over +we shall try to put up with our cook a +little longer.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/375.png"><img src="images/375-306.png" width="306" height="450" alt="Is the Bean dizzy?" /></a> +<p class="center"><i>Our Reverend Spoonerist (calling at the Deanery).</i> "<span class="sc">Is the Bean dizzy?</span>"</p> + +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h5>"WALLASEY'S LOW FIGURE.</h5> +<p> +<span class="sc">Population Jump—From 21,192 to 99,493 +in 28 Days.</span>"</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Liverpool Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +We do not know why this should be +described as a "low figure." To us it +seems remarkably good going.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The weather forecast for Sheffield and +district for the next twenty-four years is as +follows:—</p> +<p> +Wind southerly, light, freshening later; +cloudy or overcast; probably some rain later; +visibility indifferent to fair; mild."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +It is hoped however that some improvement +may be shown in 1945.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h5>Puck's Record Eclipsed.</h5> + +<blockquote><p> +"For five minutes I was in the Mercantile +Marine and the Navy. During these five +minutes I made a complete circuit of the +globe."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Letter in Welsh Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The pruning-fork is being applied in order +to bring the staff within the capacity of the +accommodation."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +After which harmony will be restored +by means of the tuning-knife.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"It did one good, on entering the Queen's +Hall last night, to find every seat in the +building, even to those at the back of the +rostrum, occupied by the London Symphony +Orchestra."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +An audience is often so distracting.</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page376" id="page376"></a>[pg 376]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/376.png"><img src="images/376-600.png" width="600" height="366" alt="Oh, that must be the agent who's been worrying me to insure my life." /></a> +<p><i>Fortune-Teller (to client).</i> "<span class="sc">A dark man has been hovering about your path for the last month.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Client.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, that must be the agent who's been worrying me to insure my life.</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MYSTERY.</h3> +<p> +In a provincial paper I find the following +passage:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Counsel stated that the prisoner's mother +was in court. Later he informed the Judge +that he had made a mistake; it was the prisoner's +mother-in-law. A general laugh throughout +the court followed this 'correction.'" +</p></blockquote> +<p> +We have here in a nutshell the case +for traditional communal humour, and +once again we are set to wondering why—except +possibly to allay some whimsical +twinges of self-respect—dramatists +ever try to invent new jokes at all. +Even more are we set to wondering why +this particular joke never fails.</p> +<p> +In the present case the injustice +done to an honourable class of women—that +is to say, those who provide +lovers with their loves (for that is how +these relationships begin)—was the +greater because no doubt, when the +laughter had subsided a little, every eye +sought for the lady in question. Normally +we have not the opportunity of +visualising the butt at all. It is enough +that she should be mentioned. Nor +would any grotesque details in her costume +or physiognomy make the joke +appreciably better. It requires no such +assistance; it is rich enough without +them; to possess a married daughter +is all that is necessary to cause gusts +of joyful mirth.</p> +<p> +That it is not the lady herself who +is funny could—no matter how Gothic +her figure—be proved in a moment +by placing her in the witness-box and +asking her to state her relationship to +the prisoner's wife. She would say, "I +am her mother," and nothing would +happen. But if the question were, +"What is your relationship to the prisoner?" +and she replied, "I am his +mother-in-law," sides would split. Similarly +one can imagine that if the husband's +reply to the counsel's question, +"Who was with you?" had been, "My +wife was with me," there would have +been no risible reaction whatever; but +if the reply had been, "My wife's mother +was with me," the place would have +been convulsed. Of course the true +artist in effect would never say, "My +wife's mother," but "My mother-in-law." +It is the "in-law" that is so +exquisitely amusing and irresistible.</p> +<p> +But both would be the same person: +the gravest thing on earth, it might be, +in every other respect—even sad and dignified—but +ludicrous because her daughter +happened to have found a husband.</p> +<p> +To inquire why the bare mention of +the mother of a man's wife should +excite merriment is to find oneself instantly +deep in sociology—and in some +of its seamiest strata too. While exploring +them one would make the odd +discovery that, whereas the humour +that surrounds and saturates the idea +of a wife possessing a maternal relative +is inexhaustible, there is nothing laughable +about the mother of a husband. +A wife can talk of her husband's mother +all day and never have the reputation +of a wit, whereas her husband has +but to mention her mother and he is +the rival of the Robeys.</p> +<p> +As for fathers-in-law, low comedians +would starve if they had to depend on +the help that fathers-in-law give them. +Fathers-in-law do not exist. Nor do +brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, except +as facts; but the joke is that they can +be far more interfering (interference +being at the root of the matter, I take +it) than anyone in the world. It is +the brother-in-law who knows of absolutely +safe gilt-edged investments +(which rarely succeed), and has to be +helped while waiting for something to +turn up; it is the sister-in-law who is +so firmly convinced that dear Clara +(her brother's wife) is spoiling the children. +But both escape; while many +really charming old ladies, to whom +their sons-in-law are devoted, continue +to be riddled by the world's satirical +bullets.</p> +<p> +What is to be done about it? Nothing. +Only the destruction of the institution +of marriage could affect it.</p> +<p class="author"> +E. V. L.</p> + + + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page377" id="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span> + +<h3>MY APOLOGIA.</h3> +<p class="center"> +(<i>Lines accidentally omitted from a +notorious volume of Memoirs.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>If life is dull and day by day</p> + <p class="i2">I see that wittier, wiser</p> + <p>England where I was wont to play</p> + <p>(Being as bold as I was gay)</p> + <p>Keep passing rapidly away</p> + <p class="i2">All through the German <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>;</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>If "Souls" are not the things they were,</p> + <p class="i2">If caste declines and Vandals</p> + <p>Go practically everywhere</p> + <p>From Cavendish to Berkeley Square,</p> + <p>And dowdy frumps without the "air"</p> + <p class="i2">Monopolise the scandals;</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>There is but one thing left to do—</p> + <p class="i2">And what's a sporting flutter worth</p> + <p>Unless one takes a risk or two?—</p> + <p>"I'll shock the world," I thought, "anew,"</p> + <p>And (ultimately) did so through</p> + <p class="i2">The firm of <span class="sc">Thornton Butterworth</span>.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Two worlds indeed. The mighty West</p> + <p class="i2">Poured out her untold money</p> + <p>To gaze upon my palimpsest;</p> + <p>I think that Codex A was best,</p> + <p>But parts of this have been suppressed;</p> + <p class="i2">Publishers are so funny.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And now my fame through London rings</p> + <p class="i2">In well-bred speech and <i>argot</i>;</p> + <p>At mild suburban tea-makings</p> + <p>The postman knocks, and poor dear things</p> + <p>Tear wildly at the parcel-strings</p> + <p class="i2">When <span class="sc">Mudie</span> gives them <span class="sc">Margot</span>.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Pressmen have tried to make a lot</p> + <p class="i2">Out of a certain instance</p> + <p>Of mild misstatement as to what</p> + <p>Happened in 1914. Rot!</p> + <p>All I can say is that my plot</p> + <p class="i2">Has much more <i>verve</i> than <span class="sc">Winston's</span>.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, never mind. The work is done;</p> + <p class="i2">People who do not need it—</p> + <p>The wit, the fire, the force, the fun,</p> + <p>The pathos—let them simply shun</p> + <p>This frightful book, shout "Shame!" and run;</p> + <p class="i2">Nobody's <i>forced</i> to read it.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/377.png"><img src="images/377-340.png" width="340" height="450" alt="Patient. 'Ah, that were t'oother dentist. T' laad 'urt me, so ah gave 'im a good lick in t' jaw.'" /></a> +<p><i>Dentist (after preliminary inspection).</i> "<span class="sc">Extraordinary thing—there's one of +your teeth only half stopped</span>."</p> +<p><i>Patient.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah, that were t'oother dentist. T' laad 'urt me, so ah gave 'im +a good lick in t' jaw</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<h3>NOMEN, OMEN.</h3> + +<h5>(<i>By our Medical Correspondent.</i>)</h5> +<p> +No one who is interested in the +possibilities of psycho-therapy can view +without serious misgiving recent tendencies +in artistic nomenclature. Some +of us are old enough to remember when +the trend was in the direction of +Italianisation; when <span class="sc">Foley</span> became +<span class="sc">Signor Foli</span>; <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, <span class="sc">Campobello</span>, +and an American from Brooklyn was +transformed into <span class="sc">Broccolini</span>. The +vogue of alien aliases has passed, but +it may return, and it is to guard against +the formidable and deleterious results of +its recrudescence that the following suggestions, +are propounded, not merely +in the interests of Gongorism or of +an intensive cultivation of syncretic +euphuism, but in accordance with the +most approved conclusions of psycho-analytic +research.</p> +<p> +It may be urged—and the objection +is natural—that there can be little +danger of a relapse in view of the heroic +and patriotic adhesion of some of our +most distinguished artists to their +homely patronymics. No doubt the +noble example of <span class="sc">Clara Butt</span> and +<span class="sc">Carrie Tubb</span> is fortifying and reassuring, +and there are also clamant proofs +that denationalisation is no passport +to eminence. But it would be foolish +to overlook the existence of powerful +influences operating in an antipodal +direction. I confess to a feeling approaching +to dismay when I study the +advertisement columns of the daily +papers and note the recurrence, in the +announcements of impending concerts, +of names of a strangely outlandish and +exotic form. In a single issue I have +encountered <span class="sc">Krish</span>, <span class="sc">Arrau</span>, <span class="sc">Kouns</span> and +<span class="sc">Dinh Gilly</span>. The Christian names of +some of these eminent performers are +equally momentous and perturbing, <i>e.g.</i>, +<span class="sc">Jascha</span>, <span class="sc">Kofza</span> and <span class="sc">Utt</span>.</p> +<p> +My grounds for perturbation are not +imaginary or based on the hallucinations +of a hypersensitive mind. They +are prompted and justified by the +notorious facts, established by the<span class="pagenum"><a name="page378" id="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span> +leading psycho-analysts, that, just as +mellifluous and melodious names exercise +a mollifying influence on the activities +of the sub-conscious self, so the +possession or choice of strange or ferocious +appellations incites the bearer, if +I may be permitted to use so commonplace +a term, to live up to his label.</p> +<p> +It is therefore with all the force at my +command that I entreat and implore +singers, players and dancers to think, +not once but twice or thrice, before they +yield to the fascination of the unfamiliar +and adopt artistic pseudonyms calculated +to intensify the "urges" of their +primitive instincts. It is not too much +to say that a singer who deliberately +assumes the name of Pongo, Og or +Botuloffsky runs a serious risk, in virtue +of the inherent magic of names, of +developing qualities wholly unfitted for +the atmosphere of a well-conducted +concert-hall.</p> +<p> +I believe that the question of establishing +a censorship of artists' names +has been seriously considered by Dr. +<span class="sc">Addison</span>, in view of its bearing on public +hygiene, and that he estimates the +cost of staffing the new department as +not likely to exceed seven hundred and +fifty thousand pounds a year. Still, in +these days when State economy is so +needful, it would be better if the desired +effect were attained by the pressure of +enlightened public opinion rather than +by the operations of even so inexpensive +a department as that contemplated by +the <span class="sc">Minister of Health</span>.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h3>IN FLANDERS FIELDS.</h3> +<p> +These famous verses, which originally +appeared in <i>Punch</i>, December 8th, +1915, being the work of a Canadian +officer, Lieut.-Colonel <span class="sc">McCrae</span>, who +fell in the War, have been subjected +to so many perversions—the latest in +a letter to <i>The Times</i> from a Minister +of the Crown, where the closing lines +are misquoted as follows:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"If ye break faith with those of us who died,</p> +<p>We shall not sleep, though poppies bloom in fields of France"—</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +that Mr. Punch thinks it would be +well to reproduce them in their correct +form:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>In Flanders fields the poppies blow</p> + <p>Between the crosses, row on row,</p> + <p class="i2">That mark our place; and in the sky</p> + <p class="i2">The larks, still bravely singing, fly</p> + <p>Scarce heard amid the guns below.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>We are the Dead. Short days ago</p> + <p>We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,</p> + <p class="i2">Loved and were loved, and now we lie</p> + <p class="i8">In Flanders fields.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Take up our quarrel with the foe:</p> + <p>To you from failing hands we throw</p> + <p class="i2">The torch; be yours to hold it high.</p> + <p class="i2">If ye break faith with us who die</p> + <p>We shall not sleep, though poppies grow</p> + <p class="i8">In Flanders fields.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Fédora</span>."</p> +<p> +It may or may not be well that the +War has modified our estimate of the +value of life; but it is a bad thing for +the legitimate drama. And in the case +of <i>Fédora</i> the bloody <i>régime</i> of <span class="sc">Lenin</span> +has so paled our memory of the terrors +of Nihilism that <span class="sc">Sardou's</span> play seems +almost further away from us than the +tragedy of <i>Agamemnon</i>. In our callous +incapacity to be thrilled by the ancient +horrors of forty years ago we fall back +on the satisfaction to be got out of the +author's dexterity in the mechanics of +his craft.</p> +<p> +And here the critic's judgment is also +apt to be more cold-blooded. He recognises +the crude improbability of certain +details which are essential to the tragic +development of the play. The death of +<i>Count Vladimir</i> (accented on the first or +second syllable according to the temporary +emotion of the speaker) was due to +the discovery of a letter in an unlocked +drawer where it could never possibly +have been thrown, being an extremely +private letter of assignation. The death +of <i>Fédora</i>, again, was the direct result of +a letter which she despatched to Petersburg +denouncing a man who proved, in +the light of fresh facts learned a few +minutes later, to be the last (or last +but one) that she would wish to injure. +It is incredible that she should not +have hastened to send a second letter +withdrawing her charge; "instead of +which" she goes casually off on a +honeymoon with his brother, and apparently +never gives another thought +to the matter till it is fatally too late.</p> +<p> +However, I am not really concerned +at this time of day with the improbabilities +of so well-established a tragedy, +but only with the most recent interpretation +of it. And let me say at once +that, for the best of reasons, I do not +propose to compete with the erudition +of my fellow-critics in the matter of +previous interpreters, for I bring a virgin +mind to my consideration of the merits +of the present cast.</p> +<p> +<i>Fédora</i> is the most exhausting test +to which Miss <span class="sc">Marie Löhr</span> has yet put +her talent. The heroine's emotions are +worked at top-pressure almost throughout +the play. At the very start she is +torn with passionate grief for the death +of her lover and a still more passionate +desire to take vengeance on the man +who killed him. When she learns the +unworthiness of the one and the justification +of the other those emotions are +instantly exchanged for a passionate +worship of the late object of her vengeance, +to be followed by bitter remorse +for the harm she has done him and +terror of the consequences when he +comes to know the truth. And so to +suicide.</p> +<p> +I will confess that I was astonished +at the power with which Miss <span class="sc">Löhr</span> +met these exigent demands upon her +emotional forces. It was indeed a remarkable +performance. My only reservation +is that in one passage she +was too anxious to convey to the +audience the intensity of her remorse, +when it was a first necessity that she +should conceal it from the other actor +on the stage. It was nice and loyal +of Mr. <span class="sc">Basil Rathbone</span> to behave as +if he didn't notice anything unusual, +but it must have been as patent to him +as to us.</p> +<p> +Of his <i>Loris</i> I cannot say too much +in admiration. At first Mr. <span class="sc">Rathbone</span> +seemed a little stiff in his admirably-fitting +dress-clothes, but in the last +scene he moved through those swift +changes of emotion—from joy to grief, +from rage to pity and the final anguish +and horror—with extraordinary imagination +and resource.</p> +<p> +Of the others, Mr. <span class="sc">Allan Aynesworth</span>, +as <i>Jean de Siriex</i>, played in +a quiet and assured undertone that +served to correct the rather expansive +methods of Miss <span class="sc">Ellis Jeffreys</span>, +whose humour, always delightful, afforded +a little more relief than was +perhaps consistent with the author's +designs and her own dignity as a great +lady in the person of the <i>Countess Olga</i>.</p> +<p class="author"> +O. S.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +A Matinée in aid of the Great Ormond +Street Hospital for Sick Children will +be given at the Garrick Theatre on +Wednesday, November 17th, at 2.30, +when a comedy by Mr. <span class="sc">Louis N. Parker</span> +will be presented, entitled, <i>Pomander +Walk</i> (period 1805).</p> +<p> +It is hoped that at the Alhambra +Matinée on November 16th one thousand +pounds will be raised to complete +the special pension fund for actors, +which is to be a tribute of affection to +the memory of Mr. <span class="sc">Sydney Valentine</span>, +who, in the words of Mr. <span class="sc">McKinnel</span>, +"did more for the rank and file of the +theatrical profession than any actor, +living or dead."</p> + + <hr /> + +<h4>"The Dog it was who Died."</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"At Dovey Board of Conservators at +Barmouth it was decided to ask Major Dd. +Davies to hunt the district with his otter +hounds, and failing this the water bailiffs +themselves should attempt to stamp them +out."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Welsh Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Major <span class="sc">Dd. Davies'</span> answer is not known +to us, but we assume that he said, +"Well, I'm Dd."</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Royal Surrey Theatre. Grand Opera. +To-night, 8, Cav. and Pag."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +More evidence of the paper-shortage.</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page379" id="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/379.png"><img src="images/379-600.png" width="600" height="408" alt="Now I bet you we'll find as soon as I light one of my half-dollar cigars." /></a> +<p><i>Affluent Sportsman (after a long blank draw).</i> "<span class="sc">Now I bet you we'll find as soon as I light one of my half-dollar cigars.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Friend.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't you think we might make a certainty of it if I lit one too?</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> +<p> +I do not think that even the most phlegmatic of Englishmen +could read <i>Francis and Riversdale Grenfell: a Memoir</i> +(<span class="sc">Nelson</span>) without a quickening of the pulses. This is not +to suggest that Mr. <span class="sc">John Buchan</span> has sought to make an +emotional appeal—indeed he has told the tale of these +devoted brothers with a simplicity beyond praise—but it is +a tale so fine that it must fill the heart, even of those who +were strangers to them, with joy and pride. I beg you to +read the memoir for yourselves, and see how and why it +was that these twin brothers, from Eton onwards, radiated +cheerfulness and a happy keenness wherever they went. +"Neither," Mr. <span class="sc">Buchan</span> writes, "could be angry for long, +and neither was capable of harshness or rancour. Their +endearing grace of manner made a pleasant warmth in any +society which they entered; and since this gentleness was +joined to a perpetual glow of enthusiasm the effect was +triumphant. One's recollection was of something lithe, +alert, eager, like a finely-bred greyhound." Those of us +who were not personally acquainted with <span class="sc">Francis</span> and +<span class="sc">Riversdale Grenfell</span> will, after reading this Memoir and +the Preface by their uncle, Field-Marshal Lord <span class="sc">Grenfell</span>, +seem to know them intimately. <span class="sc">Francis</span> won the first +V.C. gained in the War, but when he read the announcement +of it in <i>The Gazette</i> his brother was already killed +and his joy of life was quenched. "I feel," he wrote to his +uncle, "that I know so many who have done and are +doing so much more than I have been able to do for +England. I also feel very strongly that any honour +belongs to my regiment and not to me." In that spirit he +met his death a few months later. In work and sport, in +war or peace, the twins were ardent, generous and brave, +and their deaths were as glorious as their lives were +gracious and radiant. The profits of Mr. <span class="sc">Buchan's</span> book +are to be devoted to the funds of the Invalid Children's Aid +Association, in which the brothers were deeply interested.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +There are certain tasks which, like virtue, carry their +reward with them. No doubt Miss <span class="sc">Eleanour Sinclair +Rohde</span> would be gratified if her book, <i>A Garden of Herbs</i> +(<span class="sc">Lee Warner</span>), were to pass into several editions—as I +trust it will—and receive commendation on every hand—as +it surely must—but such results would be irrelevancies. +She has already, I am convinced, tasted so much delight in +the making of this, the most fragrant book that I ever read, +in her delving and selecting, that nothing else matters. +Not only is the book fragrant from cover to cover, but it is +practical too. It tells us how our ancestors of not so many +generations ago—in Stuart times chiefly—went to the herb +garden as we go to the chemist's and the perfumer's and +the spice-box, and gave that part of the demesne much of +the honour which we reserve for the rock-garden, the herbaceous +borders and the pergola. And no wonder, when from +the herbs that grow there you can make so many of the +lenitives of life—from elecampane a sovran tonic, and +from purslane an assured appetiser, and from marjoram a +pungent tea, and from wood-sorrel a wholesome water-gruel, +and from gillyflowers "a comfortable cordial to cheer +the heart," and from thyme an eye-lotion that will "enable +one to see the fairies." Miss <span class="sc">Rohde</span> tells us all, intermingling <span class="pagenum"><a name="page380" id="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span> +her information with mottoes from old writers +and new. Sometimes she even tells too much, for, though +she says nothing as to how lovage got its pretty name, we +are told that "lovage should be sown in March in any good +garden soil." Did we need to be told that? Is it not a +rule of life? "In the Spring a young man's fancy...."</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +To my mind, amongst the least forgettable books of the +present year will be that to which Mr. <span class="sc">Seton Gordon</span>, F.Z.S., +has given the title of <i>The Land of the Hills and the Glens</i> +(<span class="sc">Cassell</span>). Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon</span> has already a considerable reputation +as a chronicler of the birds and beasts (especially +the less approachable birds) of his native Highlands. The +present volume is chiefly the result of spare-moment +activities during his service as coast-watcher among the +Hebrides. Despite its unpropitious title, I must describe +it without hyperbole as a production of wonder and delight. +Of its forty-eight photographic illustrations not one is short +of amazing. We are become used to fine achievement +in this kind, but I am inclined +to think Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon</span> +goes one better, both in +the "atmosphere" of his +mountain pictures and in +his studies of birds at +home upon their nests. +To judge, indeed, by the +unruffled domesticity of +these latter, one would +suppose Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon</span> to +have been regarded less +as the prying ornithologist +than as the trusted family +photographer. I except +the golden eagle, last of +European autocrats, whose +greeting appears always +as a super-imperial scowl. +Chiefly these happy results +seem to have been due to +a triumph of patient camouflage, +concerning which +the author suggests the +interesting theory that +birds do not count beyond +unity, <i>i.e.</i>, if two stalkers enter an ambush and one subsequently +emerges, the vigilance of the feathered watchers +is immediately relaxed. Should this be true, I can only +hope that Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon</span> will get in another book before the +spread of higher education increases his difficulties.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +I should be inclined to call Mr. <span class="sc">Norman Douglas</span> our +only example of the romantic satirist, though, unless +you have some previous knowledge of his work, I almost +despair of condensing the significance of this into a paragraph. +For one thing the mere exuberance of his imagination +is a rare refreshment in this restricted age. His latest +book, with the stimulating title of <i>They Went</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman +and Hall</span>), is an admirable example of this. Certainly no +one else could have created this exotic city with its painted +palaces and copper-encrusted towers, a vision of sea-mists +and rainbows; or peopled it with so iridescent a company—the +strange princess; the queen, her mother; the senile +king who should have been (but wasn't) her father; <i>Theophilus</i>, +the Greek artist; the philosophic old Druidess, and +the dwarfs who "chanted squeaky hymns amid sacrifices +of mushrooms and gold-dust." Perhaps this random quotation +may hint at the fantastic nature of the tale; it can +give no idea of the intelligence that directs it, mocking, +iconoclastic, almost violently individual. Plot, I fancy, seldom +troubles Mr. <span class="sc">Douglas</span> greatly; it happens, or it does +not. Meanwhile he is far more concerned in fitting a double +meaning (at least) to the most simple-sounding phrase. To +sum up, <i>They Went</i> is perhaps not for idle, certainly not +for unintelligent, reading; for those who can appreciate +quality in a strange guise it will provide a feast of unfamiliar +flavours that may well create an appetite for more.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +That clever writer, Mr. <span class="sc">A. P. Herbert</span>, would lightly +describe his story, <i>The House by the River</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), as +a "shocker." But there are ways and ways of shocking. +He might wish to show us the embarrassments of a fairly +respectable member of the intellectual classes, living in a +highly respectable environment, when he finds that he has +committed homicide; and he might make the details as gruesome +as he liked. But there was no need to shock the +sensitive when he made his choice of the circumstances +in which the poet, <i>Stephen Byrne</i>, inadvertently throttles +his housemaid. It is a +fault, too, that his scheme +only interests him so far +as it concerns <i>Stephen</i> and +his society, and that the +horror of the tragedy from +what one may loosely call +the victim's point of view +does not seem to affect +him at all. Otherwise, +even for the sake of brevity, +he could not so flippantly +refer to the body, +sewn in a sack and thrown +into the river, as just +"Eliza." He may argue +that he never thought of +the corpse as a real one +and that the whole thing +was merely an experiment +in imaginative art; but +his details are too well +realised for that, and so +is his admirable picture +of the society of Hammerton +Chase, W., a thin +disguise for a riverside neighbourhood easy to recognise. +I could never get myself quite to believe that <i>Stephen's</i> +friend, <i>Egerton</i>, accessory after the fact, would so long and +so tamely have borne the suspicion of it; but for the rest +Mr. <span class="sc">Herbert's</span> study of his milieu shows a very intimate +observation. If his <i>Stephen</i>, in whom the highest poetic +talents are found tainted with a touch of coarseness, may not +always be credible, the passion for self-expression which +leads him on to versify his own experience in the form of +a mediæval idyll, and so give himself away, is true to life. +But my final impression of Mr. <span class="sc">Herbert's</span> book—he will +perhaps think I am taking him too seriously—is that his +many gifts and notably his humour, whose gaiety I prefer to +its grimness, are here exercised on a rather unworthy theme.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 535px;"> +<a href="images/380.png"><img src="images/380-535.png" width="535" height="450" alt="MARTYRS OF SCIENCE:-THE INVENTOR OF TOFFEE." /></a> +<h4>MARTYRS OF SCIENCE:—THE INVENTOR OF TOFFEE.</h4> +</div><br /><br /> + + <hr /> + +<h5>Fashions for Proxy-Fathers.</h5> + +<blockquote><p> +"The bride entered the church on the arm of Mr. T. ——, of +Happy Valley (who acted in loco parentis and was charmingly attired +in crepe-de-chine)."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>South African Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Is there anyone amongst the thousands of men who will benefit +who will be some an (please let the word remain, Mr. Editor) as not +to show his appreciation in the same way?"</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Educational Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Personally we think the Editor was a little too complaisant.</p> + +<hr /> + +<table style="margin-top: 4em; margin-bottom: 4em;" align="center" summary="note"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> +Transcriber's Note:<br /><br /> + + + +Page 361: Changed "corresponent" to "correspondent"<br /> + +A corresponent writes to a contemporary<br /><br /> + + +Page 362: Removed extraneous single closing quote.<br /> + +"Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London.'"—_Australian Magazine_. + +Page 368: Changed "Pulman" to "Pullman"<br /> + +a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car<br /><br /> + + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 10, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 18114-h.htm or 18114-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/1/18114/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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b/18114-h/images/poem-title.png diff --git a/18114.txt b/18114.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e93e90 --- /dev/null +++ b/18114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2266 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +November 10, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 3, 2006 [EBook #18114] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +November 10th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Now that the Presidential elections are over it is hoped that +any Irish-Americans who joined the Sinn Fein murder-gang for +electioneering purposes will go home again. + + * * * + +Owing to pressure on space, due among other things to the American +election, the net sale controversy in one of our contemporaries was +held over on Wednesday last. We are quite sure that neither Senator +HARDING nor Mr. COX was aware of his responsibility in the matter. + + * * * + +Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN says, "I would rather trust a crossing-sweeper +with an appreciation of music than a man who comes from a public +school." We agree. The former is much more likely to have been a +professional musician in his time. + + * * * + +The mystery of the Scottish golf club that was recently inundated with +applications for membership is now explained. It appears that a caddy +refused a tip of sixpence offered him by one of the less affluent +members, and the story somehow leaked out. + + * * * + +At one Hallowe'en dinner held in London the haggis was ten minutes +late. It is said that it had had trouble with a dog on the way and had +come off second best. + + * * * + +The man who was heard last week to say that he had no idea that Mrs. +ASQUITH had published a book of memoirs has now, on the advice of his +friends, consented to see a doctor. + + * * * + +The clergy of Grays, in Essex, are advocating the abolition of Sunday +funerals. It is said that quite a number of strict Sabbatarians have a +rooted objection to being buried on the Sabbath. + + * * * + +According to an evening paper hawthorn buds have been plucked at +Hornsey. We don't care. + + * * * + +A Liberal Independent writes to ask if the Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who has +been elected Lord Rector of Edinburgh University, is the well-known +Prime Minister of that name. + + * * * + +A firm of music publishers have produced what they describe as a +three-quarter one-step. It will soon be impossible to go to a dance +without being accompanied by a professional arithmetician. + + * * * + +It seems that high prices have even put an end to the chicken that +used to cross the road. + + * * * + +"Only through poverty," says Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT, "will England +thrive." As a result of this statement we understand that several +profiteers have decided to get down to it once again. + + * * * + +A Japanese arrested at Hull was found to have seven revolvers and two +thousand rounds of ammunition on him. It was pointed out to him that +the War was over long ago. + + * * * + +A contemporary refers to a romance which ended in marriage. Alas! how +often this happens. + + * * * + +The United States Government has decided to recognise the present +Mexican Government. Mexican bandits say they had better take a good +look at them while there is yet time. + + * * * + +A Prohibitionist asserts that Scotland will be dry in five years. Our +own feeling is that these end-of-the-world prognostications should be +prohibited by law. + + * * * + +An Oxford professor has made himself the subject of a series of +experiments on the effects of alcohol. Several college professors of +America quite readily admit that they never thought of that one. + + * * * + +A correspondent writes to a contemporary to say that he wears a hat +exactly like _The Daily Mail_ hat, and that he purchased it long +before _The Daily Mail_ was started. The audacity of some people in +thinking that anything happened before _The Daily Mail_ started is +simply appalling. + + * * * + +Three stars have recently been discovered by an American. No, no; not +those stars, but stars in the heavens. + + * * * + +"Whilst returning to camp one night I walked right into a herd of +elephants," states a well-known explorer in his memoirs. We have +always maintained that all wild animals above the size of a rabbit +should carry two head-lights and one rear-light whilst travelling +after dark. + + * * * + +A small island was advertised for sale last week. Just the sort of +thing for a bad sailor to take with him when crossing the Channel on a +rough day. + + * * * + +"Everyone knows," a writer in _The Daily Mail_ declares, "that +electric light in the poultry-house results in more eggs." There may +be more of them but they never have the real actinic taste of the +natural egg. + + * * * + +An American inventor has devised a scheme for lassoing enemy +submarines. This is a decided improvement on the method of just +sticking a pin into them as they whizz by. + + * * * + +Since the talk of Prohibition in Scotland, we are informed that one +concert singer began the chorus of the famous Scottish ballad by +singing "O ye'll tak the dry road." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones_. "YOU'D SEE IN THE PAPERS, JOHN, ABOUT THE +AGITATION IN FAVOUR OF THE WIFE GOVERNING THE HOME." + +_Mr. Jones_. "WELL, CARRY ON, DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Bullies at the Bar":-- + + "He who had read his 'Pickwick'--and who has not?--will never + forget the trial scene where poor, innocent Mr. Pickwick is as + wax in the hands of the cross-examiner." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +We regret to say that, in our edition, _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_ omitted +to put his client in the witness-box, and consequently _Mr. Serjeant +Buzfuz_ never had a chance of showing what he could do with him. + + * * * * * + +=BEFORE THE CENOTAPH.= + +NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Not with dark pomp of death we keep their day, + Theirs who have passed beyond the sight of men, + O'er whom the autumn strews its gold again, + And the grey sky bends to an earth as grey; + But we who live are silent even as they + While the world's heart marks one deep throb; and then, + Touched by the gleam of suns beyond our ken, + The Stone of Honour crowns the trodden way. + + Above the people whom they died to save + Their shrine of sleep is set; abideth there + No dust corruptible, nought that death may have; + But from remembrance of the days that were + Rises proud sorrow in a resistless wave + That breaks upon the empty sepulchre. + +D. M. S. + + * * * * * + +=OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.= + +PRIZE-MONEY. + +The really intriguing thing about Naval prize-money is the fact that +no one knows exactly where it comes from. You don't win it by any +definite act of superlative daring--I mean to say, you don't have to +creep out under cover of darkness and return in the morning with an +enemy battleship in tow to qualify for a modicum of this mysterious +treasure. You just proceed serenely on your lawful occasions, +confident in the knowledge that incredible sums of prize-money +are piling themselves up for your ultimate benefit. I suppose the +authorities understand all about it; nobody else does. One just lets +it pile. It is a most gratifying thought. + +During the more or less stormy times of the First Great War, we of the +Navy were always able to buttress our resolution with golden hopes +of a future opulence denied to our less fortunate comrades in the +trenches. Whenever the struggle was going particularly badly +for us--when, for instance, a well-earned shore-leave had been +unexpectedly jammed or a tin of condensed milk had overturned into +somebody's sea-boot--we used to console each other with cheerful +reminders of this accumulating fruit of our endeavours. "Think of the +prize-money, my boy," we used to exclaim; "meditate upon the jingling +millions that will be yours when the dreary vigil is ended;" and as +by magic the unseemly mutterings of wrath would give place to purrs +of pleasurable anticipation. Even we of the R.N.V.R., mere temporary +face-fringes, as it were, which the razor of peace was soon to remove +from the war-time visage of the Service--even we fell under the spell. +"Fourteen million pounds!" we would gurgle, hugging ourselves with joy +in the darkness of the night-watches. + +In the months immediately following demobilisation I was frequently +stimulated by glittering visions of vast wealth presently to be +showered upon me from the swelling coffers of a grateful Admiralty. +During periods of more or less temporary financial embarrassment +I would mention these expectations to my tailor and other restless +tradespeople of my acquaintance. "Fourteen millions--prize-money, you +know," I would say confidentially; "may come in at any time now." I +found this had a soothing effect upon them. + +As the seasons rolled by, however; as summer and winter ran their +appointed courses and again the primrose pranked the lea unaccompanied +by any signs of vernal activity on the part of the Paymaster-in-Chief, +these visions of mine became less insistent. I was at length obliged +to confess that another youthful illusion was fading; prize-money +began to take its place in my mind along with the sea-serpent and +similar figures of marine mythology. I was frankly hurt; I ceased even +to raise my hat when passing the Admiralty Offices on the top of a +bus. + +That was a month or two ago; everything is all right again now. I once +more experience the old pleasing thrill of emotion when riding down +Whitehall. I have come to see how ungracious my recent attitude was. + +A chance meeting with Bunbury, late sub-Loot R.N.V.R. and a sometime +shipmate of mine--Bunbury and I had squandered our valour recklessly +together aboard the Tyne drifters in the great days when Bellona wore +bell-bottoms--sufficed to bring me head-to-wind. + +In the course of conversation I referred to the non-fulfilment of our +early dreams; I spoke rather bitterly. + +"And there are fourteen millions somewhere belonging to us," I +concluded mutinously. + +Bunbury regarded me with pained surprise. "Really, old sea-dog," he +said, "this won't do. Never let the engine-oil of discontent leak into +the rum-cask of loyal memories, you know. Now listen to me. Two years +ago you and I wore the wavy gold braid of a valiant life; we surged +along irresistibly in the wake of NELSON; we kept the watch assigned. +Does not your bosom very nearly burst with pride to call those days to +mind? It does. What then? Has it never once occurred to you that the +last remaining link between us and the stirring past is this very +prize-money you are so eager to soil with the grimy clutch of avarice? +Don't you realize that this alone exists to keep our memory green in +the minds of our old leaders at Whitehall? Picture the scene as it is. +Someone mentions the word 'prize-money.' Immediately the Lords of +the Admiralty reach for their record files and begin turning over +the pages. They come upon the names of John Augustus Plimsoll-- +yourself--and Horatio Bunbury--me. 'Ah,' they exclaim fondly, 'two of +our old gunroom veterans--when shall we look upon their like again?' +Then they get up and go out to lunch. + +"A month or so later the same thing occurs; once more our names leap +out from the type-written page. 'Brave boys,' they murmur, 'gallant +lads! What should we have done without them in the dark days? They +shall have their prize-money this very--why, bless my soul, if it +isn't one o'clock!' + +"Surely," pursued Bunbury earnestly, "you appreciate the fine +sentimental value of this one last tie? As long as our prize-money is +in the keeping of the Service we can still think of it with intimate +regard; we can still call ourselves BEATTY'S boys and hide our blushes +when the people sing 'Rule, Britannia.' You must see that this is the +only large-hearted way of looking at the matter." + +"Bunbury, old sailor," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat, "you +have done me good; you have made me feel ashamed of myself." + + * * * * * + +There can be no doubt that Bunbury is right. I am so convinced of it +that when next my tailor inquires anxiously what steps are being taken +for the distribution of prize-money I shall put the matter to him just +as Bunbury put it to me. He is certain to understand. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "The newest fashions are now being displayed in ----'s new + dress salons, so that it is an easy matter to select an entire + winter outfit with the minimum of ease."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London."--_Australian Magazine_. + +A clear case for the S.P.C.A. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Authors). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES. + +LORD ROBERT CECIL. "I TRUST THAT AFTER ALL WE MAY SECURE AT LEAST YOUR +QUALIFIED SUPPORT FOR OUR LEAGUE OF NATIONS?" + +U.S.A. PRESIDENT-ELECT: "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH OURS?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman (overhearing political discussion)_. +"LOOK HERE, MY GOOD FELLOW--I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR ARGUMENTS; AND +LET ME TELL YOU WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT." + +_Politician_. "LUMME, GUV'NOR, YOU'D BETTER COME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT +THEN."] + + * * * * * + +=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.= + +I think the time has come for me to follow the example of so many +other people and offer to the world a few pen pictures of prominent +statesmen of the day. I shall not call them "Shaving Papers from +Downing Street," nor adopt the pseudonym of "The Man with the Hot +Water (or the Morning Tea)," nor shall I roundly assert that I have +been the private secretary, the doctor, the dentist or the washerwoman +of the great men of whom I speak. Nevertheless I have sources of +information which I do not mean to disclose, except to say that heavy +persons who sit down carelessly on sofas may unknowingly inflict +considerable pain, through the sharp ends of broken springs, on those +beneath. + +I shall begin naturally with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. + +There is probably no statesman of whom such widely different estimates +have been formed as the present Prime Minister of Great Britain. I +have heard him compared with THEMISTOCLES, with MACCHIAVELLI, with +MIRABEAU (I think it was MIRABEAU, but it may have been one of those +other people beginning with "M" in French history. Almost everybody in +French history began with an "M," like the things that were drawn by +the three little girls in the well), and even with the younger PITT. +I have heard him spoken of as a charlatan, as a chameleon, as a +chatterbox, and, by a man who had hoped that the KAISER would be +hanged in Piccadilly Circus, as a chouser. Almost all of these +estimates are thoroughly fallacious. Let us take, for instance, +MACCHIAVELLI. It was the declared opinion of MACCHIAVELLI that for the +establishment and maintenance of authority all means may be resorted +to and that the worst and most treacherous acts of the ruler, however +unlawful in themselves, are justified by the wickedness and treachery +of the governed. Has Mr. LLOYD GEORGE ever said this? He may have +thought it, of course, but has he ever said it? No. When one considers +that besides this dictum MACCHIAVELLI wrote seven books on the art +of war, a highly improper comedy, a life of CASTRUCCIO CASTRACANI +(unfinished, and can you wonder?), and was very naturally put to the +torture in 1513, it will be seen how hopelessly the parallel with Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE breaks down. + +Let us turn then to the younger PITT. I have read somewhere of the +younger PITT that he cared more for power than for measures, and +was ready to sacrifice great causes with which he had sincerely +sympathised rather than raise an opposition that might imperil his +ascendency. That is just the kind of nasty and long-winded thing that +anybody might say about anybody. It was by disregarding this kind of +criticism that the younger PITT kept on being younger. But apart from +this, does Mr. LLOYD GEORGE quote HORACE in the House? Never, thank +goodness. How many times did WILLIAM PITT cross the English Channel? +Only once in his whole life. That settles it. + +The predominant note--I may almost say the keynote--of the PRIME +MINISTER'S character is rather a personal magnetism such as has never +been exercised by any statesman before or after. When he rises to +speak in the House all eyes are riveted on him as though with a +vice until he has finished speaking. Even when he has finished they +sometimes have to be removed by the Serjeant-at-Arms with a chisel. +His speeches have the moral fervour and intensity of one of the Minor +Prophets--NAHUM or AMOS, in the opinion of some critics, though I +personally incline to MALACHI or HABAKKUK. This personal magnetism +which Mr. LLOYD GEORGE radiates in the House he radiates no less in +10, Downing Street, where a special radiatorium has been added to the +breakfast-room to radiate it. Imagine an April morning, a kingfisher +on a woody stream, poplar-leaves in the wind, a shower of sugar shaken +suddenly from a sifter, and you have the man. + +It has been said that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has quarrelled with some of +his nearest friends; but this again is a thing that might happen to +anybody. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may have had certain slight differences of +opinion with Lord NORTHCLIFFE, but what about HENRY VIII. and WOLSEY? +and HENRY V. and _Falstaff_? and HENRY II. and THOMAS A BECKET? + +Talking of THOMAS A BECKET, rather a curious story has been told to +me, which I give for what it is worth. It is stated that some time ago +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was so enraged by attacks in a certain section of the +Press that he shouted suddenly, after breakfast one morning in Downing +Street, "Will no one rid me of this turbulent scribe?" Whereupon +four knights in his secretarial retinue drew their swords and set out +immediately for Printing House Square. Fortunately there happened to +be a breakdown on the Metropolitan Railway that day, so that nothing +untoward occurred. + +I sometimes think that if one can imagine the eloquence of SAVONAROLA +blended with the wiliness of ULYSSES and grafted on to the strength +and firmness of OLIVER CROMWELL, we have the best historical parallel +for Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. It ought to be remembered that the grandfather +of OLIVER CROMWELL came from Wales and that the PROTECTOR is somewhere +described as "Oliver Cromwell _alias_ Williams." Something of that old +power of dispensing with stupid Parliamentary opinion seems to have +descended to our present PRIME MINISTER. There is one difference, +however. OLIVER CROMWELL'S famous advice to his followers was to trust +in Divine Providence "and keep your powder dry." Mr. LLOYD GEORGE puts +his powder in jam. + +K. + + * * * * * + +=Our Patient Fishermen.= + + "Mr. ----, jun., had another salmon on the Finavon Water. + This is the second he has secured since the flood."--_Scotch + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DON'T TURN YOUR 'EAD AWAY, MY LORD. WHY, DURIN' THE +WAR IT WAS ALL 'MA, MA, 'AVE YOU ANY MATCHES?'"] + + * * * * * + +=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.= + +THE WHALE. + +_AIR._--_"The Tarpaulin Jacket."_ + + The whale has a beautiful figure, + Which he makes every effort to spoil, + For he knows if he gets a bit bigger + He increases the output of oil. + + That is why he insists upon swathing + His person with layers of fat. + You have seen a financier bathing? + Well, the whale is a little like that. + + At heart he's as mild as a pigeon + And extremely attached to his wife, + But getting mixed up with religion + Has ruined the animal's life. + + For in spite of his tact and discretion + There is fixed in the popular mind + A wholly mistaken impression + That the whale is abrupt and unkind. + + And it's simply because of the prophet + Who got into a ship for Tarshish + But was thrown (very properly) off it + And swallowed alive by "a fish." + + Now I should not, of course, have contested + The material truth of the tale + If the prophet himself had suggested + That the creature at fault was a whale. + + But the prophet had no such suspicion, + And that is convincing because + He was constantly in a position + To see what the miscreant was. + + And this is what punctures the bubble, + As JONAH, no doubt, was aware: + "A _fish_" was the cause of the trouble, + But the whale is a _mammal_. So there! + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + +=THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.= + +"Dancers are born, not made," said John. + +"_Some_ are born dancers," corrected Cecilia, "others achieve +dancing." + +"Well, I'm not going to have it thrust on me any way," retorted John. +"I never have liked dancing and I never shall. I haven't danced for +years and years and I don't intend to. I don't know any of these +new-fangled dances and I don't want to." + +"Don't be so obstinate," said Cecilia. "What you want doesn't matter. +You've got to learn, so you may as well give way decently. Come along +now, I'll play for you, and Margery will show you the steps." + +"If Margery attempts to show me the steps I shall show her the door. +I won't be bullied in my own house. Why don't you make your brother +dance, if somebody must?" said John, waving his arm at me. + +"Come on, Alan," said Margery; "we can't waste our time on him. Come +and show him how it's done." + +"My dear little sister," I said sweetly, "I should simply love it, but +the fact is--I can't." + +"Can't," echoed Margery. "Why not?" + +"I hate to mention these things," I explained, "but the fact is I +took part in a war that has been on recently, and I have a bad hip, +honourable legacy of same." + +"Oh, Alan," said Margery, "how can you? Your hip's absolutely fit, you +know it is. You haven't mentioned it for months." + +"My dear Margery," I said, drawing myself up, "I hope your brother +knows how to suffer in silence. But if you suppose that because I +don't complain--Great heavens, child, sometimes in the long silent +watches of the night--" + +"Well, how about, tennis, then?" said Margery. "You've been playing +all this summer, you know you have." + +"All what summer?" I asked. + +"That's a good one," said John; "I bet she can't answer that." + +"Don't quibble," said Margery. + +"Don't squabble," said Cecilia. + +"Yes, stop squibbling," said John. + +"I'm not quabbling," said I. + +John and I leaned against each other and laughed helplessly. + +"When you have finished," said Cecilia with a cold eye, "perhaps you +will decide which of you is going to have the first lesson." + +"Good heavens," said John tragically, "haven't they forgotten the +dancing yet?" + +"We may as well give way, John," I said; "we shall get no peace until +we do." + +"I suppose not," said John dismally "Very well, then, you're her +brother you shall have first go." + +He waved me politely to Margery. + +"Not at all," I said quickly "Brothers-in-law first in our +family--always." + +"Could we both come together?" asked John. + +"No, you can't," said Margery. + +"Then we must toss for it," said John, producing a coin. + +"Tails," I called. + +"Tails it is," said John, walking across the room to Margery. + +And the lesson commenced. + + * * * * * + +"_Chassee_ to the right, _chassee_ to the left, two steps forward, two +steps backward, twinkle each way--" + +"Five shillings on Twinkle, please," I interrupted. + +Margery stopped and looked at me. + +"You keep quiet, Alan," shouted Cecilia, cheerfully banging the piano. + +"I shall never learn," said John miserably from the middle of the +room, "not in a thousand years." + +"Yes, you will," encouraged Margery. "Just listen. _Chassee_ to the +right, _chassee_ to the left, two steps forward, two steps back, +twinkle each way--" + +"Take away the number you first thought of," I suggested, "and the +answer's the Louisiana Glide." + +"To finish up," said Margery, "we grasp each other firmly, prance +round, two bars...." + +"That sounds a bit better," said John. + +" ... then waltz four bars," continued Margery, "and that's all. Come +on, now." + +They came on.... + +"Good," said Margery as they finished up; "he's doing it splendidly, +Cecilia." + +John beamed complacently. + +"I got through that last bit rather well," he said; "'pon my word, +there's more in this dancing than I thought. I quite enjoyed that +twinkling business." + +"Have another one," I suggested. + +"Don't mind if I do," said John. "May I have the pleasure?" with a +courtly bow to Margery. + +They re-commenced. + +"That's right," said Margery; "now two forward." + +"I must have a natural genius for dancing," said John, conversing +easily; "I seem to ... Do we twinkle next?" + +"Yes," said Margery. + +"I seem to fall into it naturally." + +"Look out!" shrieked Margery. + +I don't know exactly what happened; I rather think John got his gears +mixed up in the twinkling business. At any rate, one of his feet shot +up in the air, he made a wild grab at nothing and tripped heavily +backwards into the hearth. The piano was drowned in general uproar. + +John arose with difficulty from the ashes and addressed himself +haughtily to Cecilia. + +"I can understand that these two," he said, waving a black but +contemptuous hand at Margery and myself, "should scream with delight. +Their whole conception of humour is bound up with banana-skins and +orange-peel. But may I ask why _you_ should have hysterics because +your husband has fallen into the fireplace?" + +"'You seemed to fall into it so naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky +voice. + +"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am trying--please--if only you would +take that piece of soot off your nose--" She dabbed her eyes and wept +helplessly. + +John rubbed his nose quickly and walked to the door. + +"If you want my opinion of dancing," he said bitterly, "I think it's a +low pagan habit." + +"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang Margery. + +"Bah!" said John, and banged the door. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW UTOPIA. + +[Suggested by Mr. J. H. THOMAS'S book, just out, with a Red Flag on the +wrapper.] + + O England, with what joy I hail + The master-hand that calms and cools + In THOMAS'S entrancing tale, + _When Labour Rules_. + + There will be no more serfs and slaves; + There will be no more feudal fools; + The KING may stay, if he behaves, + When Labour rules. + + Workers, in Downing Street installed, + Will never think of downing tools; + Strikes clearly never will be called + When Labour rules. + + The hand of brotherhood that knits + At present Tom and Dick with Jules + Will be extended to good Fritz, + When Labour rules. + + The vile capitalistic crew + Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls + Will vanish in the boundless blue + When Labour rules. + + Our children will be standardized + In psycho-analytic schools, + And brains completely equalized + When Labour rules. + + O Paradise! O frabjous day! + When 'neath the flag of flaming gules + Labour shall hold unchallenged sway-- + When THOMAS rules. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE ENORMOUS SUCCESS OF _THE DAILY MAIL_ +HAT-- + +--WE LOOK FORWARD ANXIOUSLY TO _THE TIMES_ CRAVAT-- + +--_THE TELEGRAPH_ COAT-- + +--_THE CHRONICLE_ QUILTED BAGS + +--_THE HERALD_ PATENT SABOTS. + +STUDY OF AN IMPARTIAL READER. + +=MANNERS AND MODES.=] + + * * * * * + +=GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS.= + +"Genf," like "Geneve," is the Swiss for "Geneva." It was selected, +nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few +days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company, +corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited +so long before it came and sat upon it. + +You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the +subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our PRIME MINISTER +came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of +Switzerland as one by one they get sat on. As there are not more +than half-a-dozen eligible towns in Switzerland, and as we shall have +exhausted two of them in less than half a year, the living I make is +a precarious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A +short life and a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle +merriment in that word "Genf." + +To get to Geneva you provide yourself with a passport, a book of rail +and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket +for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the registration of +your luggage. In short, by the time you are in France you will have +had pass through your hands one passport and eleven tickets; and the +first thing you will do upon settling down into the French train is to +compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will +find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva +and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket +inspector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the +Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justification; for +a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for +travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities, +he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the +nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before. + +Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a +lake, and in the second place it is always brimful of International +Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated +in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a +two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the +little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me +back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose +only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the +incoming liner. Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for +the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I +spoke to him about this on the last day, and he showed a fine courage +which nothing can depress. Next season he means to try again. As he +will be out of a job in the interval I am plotting to secure for him +the post of naval expert to the League. + +Turning from the lake to the international delegates, who abound +in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the +International Congress of Leagues of Women. Their main agendum was to +pronounce their complete independence of men. One of these delegates +went for a row on the lake and fell in. She was pulled out again by a +man. + +You will find that Geneva was nominated as the seat of the League in +the Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, the people of Geneva have +been busy conjecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its +arrival in Geneva. It will do exactly what you and I would do in +similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry +off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned +things outright. I don't know what they do about notices on the walls; +alter some and remove others, no doubt. The international delegates +will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the +military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man +gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three +times if they want him to come up _at once_ and discuss schemes for +readjusting the various oceans. + +As to the other usual decorations of hotel bedroom walls, the notice +will be removed which informs all concerned that the management will +not be held responsible for valuables, unless these be deposited in +the office safe, though this will not be intended to indicate that the +new management has doubts as to the safety even of its own safe. + +The "Hotel National," which is the hotel in question, was in process +of complete reconstruction when the purchase took place. A bathroom +has been annexed to every room. Presumably every international +delegate will have a suite allotted to his nation. The question I ask +myself is this, Will he put himself in the room and his secretaries +in the bathroom, or himself in the bathroom and the secretaries in the +room? And the answer I make to myself is as follows: The delegate will +appoint the room to be his room and the bathroom to be his bathroom +and will leave his secretaries to make the best of things out in the +corridor. The suggestion you will probably make is that there are more +suites of rooms than nations; that I must leave you to work out for +yourself. The number of suites of rooms is ascertainable, but no one +seems able to inform me how many nations there are. Personally every +time I pick up a newspaper I seem to discover a new one. However that +may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, and may the +best one win the Cup Final, say I! + +F. O. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Profiteer's Wife._ "HEAVENS! MARGARET HAS ELOPED +WITH THE CHAUFFEUR IN THE CAR." + +_The Profiteer._ "_WHAT!_ NOT THE NEW ROLLS-ROYCE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +1914. + +"Don't 'e look lovely in 'is uniform?" + +"I do like a play wiv a bit of fightin' in it." + +"O, ain't 'e sweet!" + +"Makes you feel all shiverylike when 'e waves 'is sword an' all, don't +it?" + +"Oo, I 'ope they're not going to fire no guns." + + +1920. + +"E's got civvy boots on!" + +"Take 'is blinkin' name, Sergeant, an' get 'is blinkin' 'air cut." + +"What are yer, Sick Parade?" + +"Fall in, defaulters." + +"'Oo stole the rum?"] + + * * * * * + +=FOR THE CHILDREN.= + +Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help in a good +cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf +of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which Her Majesty the QUEEN is +Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little +ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of +fifteen. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they +stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during which they +receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended, +body and mind. Many of them have lost a leg or an arm and nearly all +have some bandaged limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive +to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their +uniform. + +The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping +necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead +for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report +and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives, +in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in +their happy surroundings. + +All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of +the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall +Bridge Road, S.W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Minister's Wife._ "ARE YOU ALWAYS AS FEEBLE AS THIS, +MR. MACPHERSON? DO YOU NEVER FEEL STRONGER?" + +_Macpherson._ "AH WEEL, ME'M, AS THE MEENISTER WAD TELL YE HIMSEL', +ANY SMA' MEASURE O' HEALTH THAT AH HAE IS JUST ABOOT MEALTIMES."] + + * * * * * + +"The Unknown Warrior." + +WESTMINSTER ABBEY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Here lies a warrior, he alone + Nameless among the named and known; + None nobler, though by word and deed + Nobly they served their country's need, + And won their rest by right of worth + Within this storied plot of earth. + Great gifts to her they gave, but he-- + He gave his life to keep her free. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNALISM. + + ["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like + the circulation of _The Daily Mail_. Pennsylvania gives him + a majority which appears equal to the circulation of _The + Evening News_. It is phenomenal."--_The Evening News._] + +The method which is being used just now by some of Mr. Punch's +contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations does not, it +will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, though doubtless it has its +advantages from the advertising point of view. The following items of +news are intelligently anticipated. + + * * * + +The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a result of +the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the number of quires of +"returns" of last week's _Pawkiesheils Gazette_. It is insignificant. + + * * * + +An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield proves +that there were as many men in favour of rejecting the Government +proposals as would have provided ten readers for each copy sold (_not_ +merely printed) of the last issue of _The Chowbent and Chequerbent +Chronicle_. It is magnificent. + + * * * + +It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen and +another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write piquant +reviews of Mrs. ASQUITH'S autobiography, the sale of the work will +probably greatly exceed the numbers of copies of the latest Blue Book +issued by H.M. Stationery Office. It is unthinkable. + + * * * + +It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain +cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, as many people +will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the +film--without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of +"The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre." It is good business. + + * * * * * + + "An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at + 51/- from Messrs. ----'s."--_Sunday Paper._ + +At that price they must have been very plain cooks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SHRINE OF HONOUR. + +"WHO GOES THERE?" + +"I HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY." + +"PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR."] + + * * * * * + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, November 1st._--In response to a renewed demand for the +Admiralty's account of the Battle of Jutland the PRIME MINISTER +made the remarkable statement that it was very difficult to get "an +official _and impartial_ account," but he added that the Government +were willing to publish all the reports and despatches on the subject +and leave the public to judge. + + Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree? + Why, JULIAN CORBETT, or the great B.P. + +Owing to the unexpectedly rapid passage through Committee of the +Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a +number of British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse +subjects they were alike in one respect--without exception they +incurred the hostility of Sir F. BANBURY. Whether it was a proposal +to reduce the dangers of employing women in lead processes or to give +married women in Scotland the same privileges as their English sisters +(including the duty of supporting an indigent husband), or to hold +an Empire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile Courts, the hon. baronet +found reason for opposing them all. + +Once or twice he secured the support of Sir JOHN REES, but for +the most part he was _Athanasius contra mundum_, maintaining his +equanimity even when Mr. HOGGE advised him to "marry a Scotswoman;" +or Lady ASTOR expressed her regret that he had not women, instead of +bankers, for his constituents. + +[Illustration: "ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM." + +SIR FREDERICK BANBURY.] + +The Government had no reason to complain of his activity, which may +indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for +despite his efforts every Bill went through. + +_Tuesday, November 2nd._--The most striking thing in Lord LOREBURN'S +speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me to be his uncompromising +declaration that he was "no supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." He endorsed, +however, his former chief's demand for an independent inquiry into the +reprisals, but his motion was defeated by 44 to 13. + +[Illustration: "No supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." + +LORD LOREBURN.] + +Ever since Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS defeated Mr. CHURCHILL at Manchester +he has felt it his duty to keep on his track. Convinced that our +policy in Mesopotamia is due to the WAR MINISTER'S megalomania he is +most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary +Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion. +But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged +spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; "I do not +immediately require money." + +The gloom of the daily Irish catechism was a little brightened by an +interchange of pleasantries between Mr. STANTON and Mr. JACK JONES. +On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. "Golliwog!" +he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant _chevelure_. +Mr. STANTON could think of no better retort than the stereotyped +"Bolshie!" and when Mr. JONES rejoined with "You ought to be put into +Madame Tussaud's" Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a +scandal that these entertaining comedians should only get four hundred +a year? + +On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN was faced with an +urgent demand for a separate Wages Board for Wales. First he wouldn't; +it would be "an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement." +But the Welshmen were so insistent that he changed his mind, and when +the vigilant Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the +ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir +ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be +"additional expenditure," there would be no "fresh charge." Such are +the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system. + +_Wednesday, November 3rd._--When Mr. CHURCHILL, some sixteen years +ago, crossed the floor of the House, his man[oe]uvre was regarded as +a portent, and men talked of "a sinking ship." It cannot be said +that Lord HENRY BENTINCK'S sudden appearance among the Labour Members +created anything like the same sensation, even though he was joined a +little later by Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY. Lord HENRY has always derived his +political opinions rather from his heart than his head, and has lately +developed a habit of firing explosive Questions at Ministers from his +eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontal attacks +less disconcerting. + +[Illustration: "OLD GOLLIWOG." + +Mr. C. B. STANTON (_As viewed by Mr. JACK JONES_).] + +While Lord HENRY was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years +before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. MOSLEY has made +the same discovery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From +his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was +being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. ADDISON +contented himself with professing ignorance of any such transaction. +A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed +all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition. + +News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the +evening. Mr. BRIDGEMAN, always cautious, "understood" that the men +had been "recommended" to go back to work. Mr. ADAMSON, fresh from the +Conference, was much more downright. "The strike," he said, "has been +declared off, and the men return to work." So that's that. + +_Thursday, November 4th._--Lord SALISBURY'S complaint that the +Government's policy in Egypt was shrouded in more than Egyptian +darkness brought a spirited reply from Lord CURZON, who declared that +every stage in the negotiations had been fully revealed in the Press. +If no definite decision as to the future government of the country +had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet +had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord MILNER'S +subsequent account of his Mission, it would appear that the process +will be long and stormy. The Mission went to Cairo to sound the +feeling of the Nationalists, but for all practical purposes they might +as well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed +ZAGHLUL PASHA and his colleagues, and obtained information which +materially altered and softened their previous views. The best +Nationalists were not anti-British, but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord +MILNER'S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the +stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous. + +Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE is not very popular in the House of Commons just +now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" to the WAR MINISTER +he was so persistently "boo-ed" that the SPEAKER had to intervene to +secure him a hearing. Mr. LOWTHER probably repented his kindness when +it appeared that Mr. MALONE had nothing more urgent to say than that +Mr. CHURCHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in +Ireland than in reviewing books for _The Daily Mail_. + +For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR essayed to move the +adjournment in order to call attention to what he called "the policy +of frightfulness" in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the +motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive kind. Mr. +DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the +word "reprisals" being used for the "infamies" going on in Ireland, +declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and +prophesied that the present CHIEF SECRETARY, "with all his outward +appearance of great masculinity," would fail, as BALFOUR and +CROMWELL--the House enjoyed this concatenation--had failed before him. + +In points of detail Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD conceded a little more to +his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider +whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries +or other property wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted that some +constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under +arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant. +Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, "They have declared +war upon us and I suppose war it must be," the CHIEF SECRETARY said in +his most emphatic tones, "War it will be until assassination stops." + +[Illustration: "Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a +fine bird her son had provided her with." + +WALES AND SIR A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN.] + + * * * * * + +STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS. + +Stuttfield was nothing of a NERO. He would never have fiddled while +Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was +burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire. +He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational +literature upon a nervous temperament. + +It all began through Stuttfield finding a copy of _The Daily Blast_ in +a railway carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper, +but the tendency of its contents is ruddy--that is to say, it has +"Red" leanings. It was a revelation to Stuttfield. + +"Are people _allowed_ to say such things?" he asked me in horror. + +"My dear fellow, no one takes it seriously," I said. "Don't you +worry." + +But Stuttfield did worry. _The Daily Blast_ had the same effect upon +him as a snake has upon a rabbit; it terrified him, yet he could not +run away from it. In fact he became a regular subscriber and continued +so despite some rumours that it was supported financially by the +Rougetanians--rumours which required, and received, a great deal of +explanation. + +Then, through the offices of his man-servant, he obtained a copy of +_The Volcano_. + +_The Volcano_ appears to be in advance of _The Daily Blast_ in its +ideals, and immensely so in their expression. But here again I assured +Stuttfield that no one took them seriously. "I don't suppose they +take themselves seriously," I assured him. "They want to sell _The +Volcano_, that's all." + +"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do sell it, and people read it." + +"I expect the circulation's about two thousand a week," I said +consolingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, was not consoled. + +I met him at intervals after that, and on each occasion he seemed to +be more obsessed with the notion that the "Reds" would overwhelm us +all shortly. + +"Russia is Red," he whispered; he always whispers now for fear of +being overheard by a Red agent, though there was not very much risk of +that in St. James's Street. "And what about India and China?" + +"Red, black and yellow--the Zingari colours," I said ribaldly, and +Stuttfield left me in disgust. + +Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill. +This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse. + +"You've taken an overdose of _The Volcano_," I said. + +He seized my arm with trembling fingers. + +"The Red Revolution is upon us," he hissed. + +I laughed. "Don't you worry about the Red Revolution. You come out to +lunch." + +He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs and restaurants would be attacked +first, he thought. If we lunched together it had better be in +an eating-house in Bermondsey. "I have a disguise," he said, and +disclosed a complete proletarian outfit. + +"Well, I haven't," I said. "Not that these clothes of mine will lead +anyone to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so far as lunch goes, +hadn't we better be killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than by tripe in +Bermondsey?" + +Stuttfield could not but admit the sense of this, so we started out. + +It is widely recognised that Flag Days, however admirable their +objects, have been a little overdone. But it was sheer bad luck that +brought Stuttfield face to face with a flag-seller just as we were +entering the Fitz. She came at him with a determined aspect and began +"The Red Cr----" + +It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was across the pavement and into a taxi +before I could stop him. There was nothing for me to do but follow +him. + +"Where are we going?" I asked. + +"Waterloo," he answered through blanched lips. I could get nothing +more from him. + +At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving me to pay the cab, and disappeared +into the station. I followed as quickly as I could, but he was nowhere +to be seen. + +"Where would he go to hide from the Reds?" I asked myself. Suddenly I +had an idea about his destination. + +I was right. In the foremost carriage I found him. I tried to persuade +him to come out, but he clung to the rack. So I left him. I have not +seen him since. + +I hope he feels safe in the Isle of Wight. + + * * * * * + + "You can burn your slack cook in oven in our ---- + Grate."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._ + +But now that the coal strike is over we shall try to put up with our +cook a little longer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Our Reverend Spoonerist (calling at the Deanery)._ "IS +THE BEAN DIZZY?"] + + * * * * * + + "WALLASEY'S LOW FIGURE. + + POPULATION JUMP--FROM 21,192 TO 99,493 IN 28 DAYS." + + _Liverpool Paper._ + +We do not know why this should be described as a "low figure." To us +it seems remarkably good going. + + * * * * * + + "The weather forecast for Sheffield and district for the next + twenty-four years is as follows:-- + + Wind southerly, light, freshening later; cloudy or overcast; + probably some rain later; visibility indifferent to fair; + mild." + + _Yorkshire Paper._ + +It is hoped however that some improvement may be shown in 1945. + + * * * * * + +Puck's Record Eclipsed. + + "For five minutes I was in the Mercantile Marine and the Navy. + During these five minutes I made a complete circuit of the + globe."--_Letter in Welsh Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The pruning-fork is being applied in order to bring the + staff within the capacity of the accommodation."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +After which harmony will be restored by means of the tuning-knife. + + * * * * * + + "It did one good, on entering the Queen's Hall last night, to + find every seat in the building, even to those at the back + of the rostrum, occupied by the London Symphony + Orchestra."--_Evening Paper._ + +An audience is often so distracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fortune-Teller (to client)._ "A DARK MAN HAS BEEN +HOVERING ABOUT YOUR PATH FOR THE LAST MONTH." + +_Client._ "OH, THAT MUST BE THE AGENT WHO'S BEEN WORRYING ME TO INSURE +MY LIFE."] + + * * * * * + +=THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MYSTERY.= + +In a provincial paper I find the following passage:-- + + "Counsel stated that the prisoner's mother was in court. Later + he informed the Judge that he had made a mistake; it was the + prisoner's mother-in-law. A general laugh throughout the court + followed this 'correction.'" + +We have here in a nutshell the case for traditional communal humour, +and once again we are set to wondering why--except possibly to allay +some whimsical twinges of self-respect--dramatists ever try to +invent new jokes at all. Even more are we set to wondering why this +particular joke never fails. + +In the present case the injustice done to an honourable class of +women--that is to say, those who provide lovers with their loves (for +that is how these relationships begin)--was the greater because no +doubt, when the laughter had subsided a little, every eye sought +for the lady in question. Normally we have not the opportunity +of visualising the butt at all. It is enough that she should +be mentioned. Nor would any grotesque details in her costume or +physiognomy make the joke appreciably better. It requires no such +assistance; it is rich enough without them; to possess a married +daughter is all that is necessary to cause gusts of joyful mirth. + +That it is not the lady herself who is funny could--no matter how +Gothic her figure--be proved in a moment by placing her in the +witness-box and asking her to state her relationship to the prisoner's +wife. She would say, "I am her mother," and nothing would happen. But +if the question were, "What is your relationship to the prisoner?" and +she replied, "I am his mother-in-law," sides would split. Similarly +one can imagine that if the husband's reply to the counsel's question, +"Who was with you?" had been, "My wife was with me," there would have +been no risible reaction whatever; but if the reply had been, "My +wife's mother was with me," the place would have been convulsed. Of +course the true artist in effect would never say, "My wife's mother," +but "My mother-in-law." It is the "in-law" that is so exquisitely +amusing and irresistible. + +But both would be the same person: the gravest thing on earth, +it might be, in every other respect--even sad and dignified--but +ludicrous because her daughter happened to have found a husband. + +To inquire why the bare mention of the mother of a man's wife should +excite merriment is to find oneself instantly deep in sociology--and +in some of its seamiest strata too. While exploring them one would +make the odd discovery that, whereas the humour that surrounds +and saturates the idea of a wife possessing a maternal relative +is inexhaustible, there is nothing laughable about the mother of a +husband. A wife can talk of her husband's mother all day and never +have the reputation of a wit, whereas her husband has but to mention +her mother and he is the rival of the Robeys. + +As for fathers-in-law, low comedians would starve if they had to +depend on the help that fathers-in-law give them. Fathers-in-law do +not exist. Nor do brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, except as facts; +but the joke is that they can be far more interfering (interference +being at the root of the matter, I take it) than anyone in the world. +It is the brother-in-law who knows of absolutely safe gilt-edged +investments (which rarely succeed), and has to be helped while waiting +for something to turn up; it is the sister-in-law who is so firmly +convinced that dear Clara (her brother's wife) is spoiling the +children. But both escape; while many really charming old ladies, +to whom their sons-in-law are devoted, continue to be riddled by the +world's satirical bullets. + +What is to be done about it? Nothing. Only the destruction of the +institution of marriage could affect it. + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +=MY APOLOGIA.= + +(_Lines accidentally omitted from a notorious volume of Memoirs._) + + If life is dull and day by day + I see that wittier, wiser + England where I was wont to play + (Being as bold as I was gay) + Keep passing rapidly away + All through the German KAISER; + + If "Souls" are not the things they were, + If caste declines and Vandals + Go practically everywhere + From Cavendish to Berkeley Square, + And dowdy frumps without the "air" + Monopolise the scandals; + + There is but one thing left to do-- + And what's a sporting flutter worth + Unless one takes a risk or two?-- + "I'll shock the world," I thought, "anew," + And (ultimately) did so through + The firm of THORNTON BUTTERWORTH. + + Two worlds indeed. The mighty West + Poured out her untold money + To gaze upon my palimpsest; + I think that Codex A was best, + But parts of this have been suppressed; + Publishers are so funny. + + And now my fame through London rings + In well-bred speech and _argot_; + At mild suburban tea-makings + The postman knocks, and poor dear things + Tear wildly at the parcel-strings + When MUDIE gives them MARGOT. + + Pressmen have tried to make a lot + Out of a certain instance + Of mild misstatement as to what + Happened in 1914. Rot! + All I can say is that my plot + Has much more _verve_ than WINSTON'S. + + Well, never mind. The work is done; + People who do not need it-- + The wit, the fire, the force, the fun, + The pathos--let them simply shun + This frightful book, shout "Shame!" and run; + Nobody's _forced_ to read it. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dentist (after preliminary inspection)._ +"EXTRAORDINARY THING--THERE'S ONE OF YOUR TEETH ONLY HALF STOPPED." + +_Patient._ "AH, THAT WERE T'OOTHER DENTIST. T' LAAD 'URT ME, SO AH +GAVE 'IM A GOOD LICK IN T' JAW."] + + * * * * * + +=NOMEN, OMEN.= + +(_By our Medical Correspondent._) + +No one who is interested in the possibilities of psycho-therapy +can view without serious misgiving recent tendencies in artistic +nomenclature. Some of us are old enough to remember when the trend +was in the direction of Italianisation; when FOLEY became SIGNOR FOLI; +CAMPBELL, CAMPOBELLO, and an American from Brooklyn was transformed +into BROCCOLINI. The vogue of alien aliases has passed, but it may +return, and it is to guard against the formidable and deleterious +results of its recrudescence that the following suggestions, are +propounded, not merely in the interests of Gongorism or of an +intensive cultivation of syncretic euphuism, but in accordance with +the most approved conclusions of psycho-analytic research. + +It may be urged--and the objection is natural--that there can be +little danger of a relapse in view of the heroic and patriotic +adhesion of some of our most distinguished artists to their homely +patronymics. No doubt the noble example of CLARA BUTT and CARRIE TUBB +is fortifying and reassuring, and there are also clamant proofs that +denationalisation is no passport to eminence. But it would be foolish +to overlook the existence of powerful influences operating in an +antipodal direction. I confess to a feeling approaching to dismay when +I study the advertisement columns of the daily papers and note the +recurrence, in the announcements of impending concerts, of names of +a strangely outlandish and exotic form. In a single issue I have +encountered KRISH, ARRAU, KOUNS and DINH GILLY. The Christian names of +some of these eminent performers are equally momentous and perturbing, +_e.g._, JASCHA, KOFZA and UTT. + +My grounds for perturbation are not imaginary or based on the +hallucinations of a hypersensitive mind. They are prompted and +justified by the notorious facts, established by the leading +psycho-analysts, that, just as mellifluous and melodious names +exercise a mollifying influence on the activities of the sub-conscious +self, so the possession or choice of strange or ferocious appellations +incites the bearer, if I may be permitted to use so commonplace a +term, to live up to his label. + +It is therefore with all the force at my command that I entreat and +implore singers, players and dancers to think, not once but twice or +thrice, before they yield to the fascination of the unfamiliar and +adopt artistic pseudonyms calculated to intensify the "urges" of +their primitive instincts. It is not too much to say that a singer +who deliberately assumes the name of Pongo, Og or Botuloffsky runs a +serious risk, in virtue of the inherent magic of names, of developing +qualities wholly unfitted for the atmosphere of a well-conducted +concert-hall. + +I believe that the question of establishing a censorship of artists' +names has been seriously considered by Dr. ADDISON, in view of its +bearing on public hygiene, and that he estimates the cost of staffing +the new department as not likely to exceed seven hundred and fifty +thousand pounds a year. Still, in these days when State economy is so +needful, it would be better if the desired effect were attained by the +pressure of enlightened public opinion rather than by the operations +of even so inexpensive a department as that contemplated by the +MINISTER OF HEALTH. + + * * * * * + +=IN FLANDERS FIELDS.= + +These famous verses, which originally appeared in _Punch_, December +8th, 1915, being the work of a Canadian officer, Lieut.-Colonel +MCCRAE, who fell in the War, have been subjected to so many +perversions--the latest in a letter to _The Times_ from a Minister of +the Crown, where the closing lines are misquoted as follows: + + "If ye break faith with those of us who died, + We shall not sleep, though poppies bloom in fields of France"-- + +that Mr. Punch thinks it would be well to reproduce them in their +correct form:-- + + In Flanders fields the poppies blow + Between the crosses, row on row, + That mark our place; and in the sky + The larks, still bravely singing, fly + Scarce heard amid the guns below. + + We are the Dead. Short days ago + We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, + Loved and were loved, and now we lie + In Flanders fields. + + Take up our quarrel with the foe: + To you from failing hands we throw + The torch; be yours to hold it high. + If ye break faith with us who die + We shall not sleep, though poppies grow + In Flanders fields. + + * * * * * + +=AT THE PLAY.= + +"FEDORA." + +It may or may not be well that the War has modified our estimate of +the value of life; but it is a bad thing for the legitimate drama. And +in the case of _Fedora_ the bloody _regime_ of LENIN has so paled +our memory of the terrors of Nihilism that SARDOU'S play seems almost +further away from us than the tragedy of _Agamemnon_. In our callous +incapacity to be thrilled by the ancient horrors of forty years ago we +fall back on the satisfaction to be got out of the author's dexterity +in the mechanics of his craft. + +And here the critic's judgment is also apt to be more cold-blooded. +He recognises the crude improbability of certain details which are +essential to the tragic development of the play. The death of _Count +Vladimir_ (accented on the first or second syllable according to the +temporary emotion of the speaker) was due to the discovery of a letter +in an unlocked drawer where it could never possibly have been thrown, +being an extremely private letter of assignation. The death of +_Fedora_, again, was the direct result of a letter which she +despatched to Petersburg denouncing a man who proved, in the light of +fresh facts learned a few minutes later, to be the last (or last but +one) that she would wish to injure. It is incredible that she should +not have hastened to send a second letter withdrawing her charge; +"instead of which" she goes casually off on a honeymoon with his +brother, and apparently never gives another thought to the matter till +it is fatally too late. + +However, I am not really concerned at this time of day with the +improbabilities of so well-established a tragedy, but only with the +most recent interpretation of it. And let me say at once that, for the +best of reasons, I do not propose to compete with the erudition of my +fellow-critics in the matter of previous interpreters, for I bring a +virgin mind to my consideration of the merits of the present cast. + +_Fedora_ is the most exhausting test to which Miss MARIE LOeHR has +yet put her talent. The heroine's emotions are worked at top-pressure +almost throughout the play. At the very start she is torn with +passionate grief for the death of her lover and a still more +passionate desire to take vengeance on the man who killed him. When +she learns the unworthiness of the one and the justification of the +other those emotions are instantly exchanged for a passionate worship +of the late object of her vengeance, to be followed by bitter remorse +for the harm she has done him and terror of the consequences when he +comes to know the truth. And so to suicide. + +I will confess that I was astonished at the power with which Miss LOeHR +met these exigent demands upon her emotional forces. It was indeed a +remarkable performance. My only reservation is that in one passage +she was too anxious to convey to the audience the intensity of her +remorse, when it was a first necessity that she should conceal it +from the other actor on the stage. It was nice and loyal of Mr. BASIL +RATHBONE to behave as if he didn't notice anything unusual, but it +must have been as patent to him as to us. + +Of his _Loris_ I cannot say too much in admiration. At first Mr. +RATHBONE seemed a little stiff in his admirably-fitting dress-clothes, +but in the last scene he moved through those swift changes of +emotion--from joy to grief, from rage to pity and the final anguish +and horror--with extraordinary imagination and resource. + +Of the others, Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as _Jean de Siriex_, played in +a quiet and assured undertone that served to correct the rather +expansive methods of Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, whose humour, always +delightful, afforded a little more relief than was perhaps consistent +with the author's designs and her own dignity as a great lady in the +person of the _Countess Olga_. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A Matinee in aid of the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children +will be given at the Garrick Theatre on Wednesday, November 17th, +at 2.30, when a comedy by Mr. LOUIS N. PARKER will be presented, +entitled, _Pomander Walk_ (period 1805). + +It is hoped that at the Alhambra Matinee on November 16th one thousand +pounds will be raised to complete the special pension fund for actors, +which is to be a tribute of affection to the memory of Mr. SYDNEY +VALENTINE, who, in the words of Mr. MCKINNEL, "did more for the rank +and file of the theatrical profession than any actor, living or dead." + + * * * * * + +="The Dog it was who Died."= + + "At Dovey Board of Conservators at Barmouth it was decided + to ask Major Dd. Davies to hunt the district with his otter + hounds, and failing this the water bailiffs themselves should + attempt to stamp them out."--_Welsh Paper._ + +Major DD. DAVIES' answer is not known to us, but we assume that he +said, "Well, I'm Dd." + + * * * * * + + "Royal Surrey Theatre. Grand Opera. To-night, 8, Cav. and + Pag."--_Daily Paper._ + +More evidence of the paper-shortage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Affluent Sportsman (after a long blank draw)._ "NOW I +BET YOU WE'LL FIND AS SOON AS I LIGHT ONE OF MY HALF-DOLLAR CIGARS." +_Friend._ "DON'T YOU THINK WE MIGHT MAKE A CERTAINTY OF IT IF I LIT +ONE TOO?"] + + * * * * * + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I do not think that even the most phlegmatic of Englishmen could +read _Francis and Riversdale Grenfell: a Memoir_ (NELSON) without a +quickening of the pulses. This is not to suggest that Mr. JOHN BUCHAN +has sought to make an emotional appeal--indeed he has told the tale +of these devoted brothers with a simplicity beyond praise--but it is +a tale so fine that it must fill the heart, even of those who were +strangers to them, with joy and pride. I beg you to read the memoir +for yourselves, and see how and why it was that these twin brothers, +from Eton onwards, radiated cheerfulness and a happy keenness wherever +they went. "Neither," Mr. BUCHAN writes, "could be angry for long, and +neither was capable of harshness or rancour. Their endearing grace of +manner made a pleasant warmth in any society which they entered; and +since this gentleness was joined to a perpetual glow of enthusiasm +the effect was triumphant. One's recollection was of something lithe, +alert, eager, like a finely-bred greyhound." Those of us who were not +personally acquainted with FRANCIS and RIVERSDALE GRENFELL will, after +reading this Memoir and the Preface by their uncle, Field-Marshal Lord +GRENFELL, seem to know them intimately. FRANCIS won the first V.C. +gained in the War, but when he read the announcement of it in _The +Gazette_ his brother was already killed and his joy of life was +quenched. "I feel," he wrote to his uncle, "that I know so many who +have done and are doing so much more than I have been able to do +for England. I also feel very strongly that any honour belongs to my +regiment and not to me." In that spirit he met his death a few months +later. In work and sport, in war or peace, the twins were ardent, +generous and brave, and their deaths were as glorious as their lives +were gracious and radiant. The profits of Mr. BUCHAN'S book are to +be devoted to the funds of the Invalid Children's Aid Association, in +which the brothers were deeply interested. + + * * * * * + +There are certain tasks which, like virtue, carry their reward with +them. No doubt Miss ELEANOUR SINCLAIR ROHDE would be gratified if +her book, _A Garden of Herbs_ (LEE WARNER), were to pass into several +editions--as I trust it will--and receive commendation on every +hand--as it surely must--but such results would be irrelevancies. She +has already, I am convinced, tasted so much delight in the making +of this, the most fragrant book that I ever read, in her delving and +selecting, that nothing else matters. Not only is the book fragrant +from cover to cover, but it is practical too. It tells us how +our ancestors of not so many generations ago--in Stuart times +chiefly--went to the herb garden as we go to the chemist's and the +perfumer's and the spice-box, and gave that part of the demesne much +of the honour which we reserve for the rock-garden, the herbaceous +borders and the pergola. And no wonder, when from the herbs that grow +there you can make so many of the lenitives of life--from elecampane +a sovran tonic, and from purslane an assured appetiser, and from +marjoram a pungent tea, and from wood-sorrel a wholesome water-gruel, +and from gillyflowers "a comfortable cordial to cheer the heart," and +from thyme an eye-lotion that will "enable one to see the fairies." +Miss ROHDE tells us all, intermingling her information with mottoes +from old writers and new. Sometimes she even tells too much, for, +though she says nothing as to how lovage got its pretty name, we are +told that "lovage should be sown in March in any good garden soil." +Did we need to be told that? Is it not a rule of life? "In the Spring +a young man's fancy...." + + * * * * * + +To my mind, amongst the least forgettable books of the present year +will be that to which Mr. SETON GORDON, F.Z.S., has given the title +of _The Land of the Hills and the Glens_ (CASSELL). Mr. GORDON has +already a considerable reputation as a chronicler of the birds +and beasts (especially the less approachable birds) of his native +Highlands. The present volume is chiefly the result of spare-moment +activities during his service as coast-watcher among the Hebrides. +Despite its unpropitious title, I must describe it without hyperbole +as a production of wonder and delight. Of its forty-eight photographic +illustrations not one is short of amazing. We are become used to fine +achievement in this kind, but I am inclined to think Mr. GORDON goes +one better, both in the "atmosphere" of his mountain pictures and in +his studies of birds at home upon their nests. To judge, indeed, +by the unruffled domesticity of these latter, one would suppose Mr. +GORDON to have been regarded less as the prying ornithologist than as +the trusted family photographer. I except the golden eagle, last of +European autocrats, whose greeting appears always as a super-imperial +scowl. Chiefly these happy results seem to have been due to a triumph +of patient camouflage, concerning which the author suggests the +interesting theory that birds do not count beyond unity, _i.e._, +if two stalkers enter an ambush and one subsequently emerges, the +vigilance of the feathered watchers is immediately relaxed. Should +this be true, I can only hope that Mr. GORDON will get in another book +before the spread of higher education increases his difficulties. + + * * * * * + +I should be inclined to call Mr. NORMAN DOUGLAS our only example of +the romantic satirist, though, unless you have some previous knowledge +of his work, I almost despair of condensing the significance of this +into a paragraph. For one thing the mere exuberance of his imagination +is a rare refreshment in this restricted age. His latest book, +with the stimulating title of _They Went_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), is an +admirable example of this. Certainly no one else could have created +this exotic city with its painted palaces and copper-encrusted towers, +a vision of sea-mists and rainbows; or peopled it with so iridescent a +company--the strange princess; the queen, her mother; the senile king +who should have been (but wasn't) her father; _Theophilus_, the Greek +artist; the philosophic old Druidess, and the dwarfs who "chanted +squeaky hymns amid sacrifices of mushrooms and gold-dust." Perhaps +this random quotation may hint at the fantastic nature of the tale; +it can give no idea of the intelligence that directs it, mocking, +iconoclastic, almost violently individual. Plot, I fancy, seldom +troubles Mr. DOUGLAS greatly; it happens, or it does not. Meanwhile +he is far more concerned in fitting a double meaning (at least) to the +most simple-sounding phrase. To sum up, _They Went_ is perhaps not +for idle, certainly not for unintelligent, reading; for those who +can appreciate quality in a strange guise it will provide a feast of +unfamiliar flavours that may well create an appetite for more. + + * * * * * + +That clever writer, Mr. A. P. HERBERT, would lightly describe his +story, _The House by the River_ (METHUEN), as a "shocker." But +there are ways and ways of shocking. He might wish to show us the +embarrassments of a fairly respectable member of the intellectual +classes, living in a highly respectable environment, when he finds +that he has committed homicide; and he might make the details as +gruesome as he liked. But there was no need to shock the sensitive +when he made his choice of the circumstances in which the poet, +_Stephen Byrne_, inadvertently throttles his housemaid. It is a +fault, too, that his scheme only interests him so far as it concerns +_Stephen_ and his society, and that the horror of the tragedy from +what one may loosely call the victim's point of view does not seem to +affect him at all. Otherwise, even for the sake of brevity, he could +not so flippantly refer to the body, sewn in a sack and thrown into +the river, as just "Eliza." He may argue that he never thought of the +corpse as a real one and that the whole thing was merely an experiment +in imaginative art; but his details are too well realised for that, +and so is his admirable picture of the society of Hammerton Chase, +W., a thin disguise for a riverside neighbourhood easy to recognise. +I could never get myself quite to believe that _Stephen's_ friend, +_Egerton_, accessory after the fact, would so long and so tamely have +borne the suspicion of it; but for the rest Mr. HERBERT'S study of his +milieu shows a very intimate observation. If his _Stephen_, in +whom the highest poetic talents are found tainted with a touch +of coarseness, may not always be credible, the passion for +self-expression which leads him on to versify his own experience in +the form of a mediaeval idyll, and so give himself away, is true to +life. But my final impression of Mr. HERBERT'S book--he will perhaps +think I am taking him too seriously--is that his many gifts and +notably his humour, whose gaiety I prefer to its grimness, are here +exercised on a rather unworthy theme. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARTYRS OF SCIENCE:--THE INVENTOR OF TOFFEE.] + + * * * * * + +=Fashions for Proxy-Fathers.= + + "The bride entered the church on the arm of Mr. T. ----, of + Happy Valley (who acted in loco parentis and was charmingly + attired in crepe-de-chine)."--_South African Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Is there anyone amongst the thousands of men who will benefit + who will be some an (please let the word remain, Mr. + Editor) as not to show his appreciation in the same + way?"--_Educational Paper._ + +Personally we think the Editor was a little too complaisant. + + * * * * * + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Page 361: Changed "corresponent" to "correspondent" + +(A corresponent writes to a contemporary) + + +Page 362: Removed extraneous single closing quote. + +("Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London.'"--_Australian Magazine_.) + + +Page 368: Changed "Pulman" to "Pullman" + +(a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car)] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 10, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 18114.txt or 18114.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/1/18114/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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