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diff --git a/18114.txt b/18114.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e93e90 --- /dev/null +++ b/18114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2266 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +November 10, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 3, 2006 [EBook #18114] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +November 10th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Now that the Presidential elections are over it is hoped that +any Irish-Americans who joined the Sinn Fein murder-gang for +electioneering purposes will go home again. + + * * * + +Owing to pressure on space, due among other things to the American +election, the net sale controversy in one of our contemporaries was +held over on Wednesday last. We are quite sure that neither Senator +HARDING nor Mr. COX was aware of his responsibility in the matter. + + * * * + +Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN says, "I would rather trust a crossing-sweeper +with an appreciation of music than a man who comes from a public +school." We agree. The former is much more likely to have been a +professional musician in his time. + + * * * + +The mystery of the Scottish golf club that was recently inundated with +applications for membership is now explained. It appears that a caddy +refused a tip of sixpence offered him by one of the less affluent +members, and the story somehow leaked out. + + * * * + +At one Hallowe'en dinner held in London the haggis was ten minutes +late. It is said that it had had trouble with a dog on the way and had +come off second best. + + * * * + +The man who was heard last week to say that he had no idea that Mrs. +ASQUITH had published a book of memoirs has now, on the advice of his +friends, consented to see a doctor. + + * * * + +The clergy of Grays, in Essex, are advocating the abolition of Sunday +funerals. It is said that quite a number of strict Sabbatarians have a +rooted objection to being buried on the Sabbath. + + * * * + +According to an evening paper hawthorn buds have been plucked at +Hornsey. We don't care. + + * * * + +A Liberal Independent writes to ask if the Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who has +been elected Lord Rector of Edinburgh University, is the well-known +Prime Minister of that name. + + * * * + +A firm of music publishers have produced what they describe as a +three-quarter one-step. It will soon be impossible to go to a dance +without being accompanied by a professional arithmetician. + + * * * + +It seems that high prices have even put an end to the chicken that +used to cross the road. + + * * * + +"Only through poverty," says Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT, "will England +thrive." As a result of this statement we understand that several +profiteers have decided to get down to it once again. + + * * * + +A Japanese arrested at Hull was found to have seven revolvers and two +thousand rounds of ammunition on him. It was pointed out to him that +the War was over long ago. + + * * * + +A contemporary refers to a romance which ended in marriage. Alas! how +often this happens. + + * * * + +The United States Government has decided to recognise the present +Mexican Government. Mexican bandits say they had better take a good +look at them while there is yet time. + + * * * + +A Prohibitionist asserts that Scotland will be dry in five years. Our +own feeling is that these end-of-the-world prognostications should be +prohibited by law. + + * * * + +An Oxford professor has made himself the subject of a series of +experiments on the effects of alcohol. Several college professors of +America quite readily admit that they never thought of that one. + + * * * + +A correspondent writes to a contemporary to say that he wears a hat +exactly like _The Daily Mail_ hat, and that he purchased it long +before _The Daily Mail_ was started. The audacity of some people in +thinking that anything happened before _The Daily Mail_ started is +simply appalling. + + * * * + +Three stars have recently been discovered by an American. No, no; not +those stars, but stars in the heavens. + + * * * + +"Whilst returning to camp one night I walked right into a herd of +elephants," states a well-known explorer in his memoirs. We have +always maintained that all wild animals above the size of a rabbit +should carry two head-lights and one rear-light whilst travelling +after dark. + + * * * + +A small island was advertised for sale last week. Just the sort of +thing for a bad sailor to take with him when crossing the Channel on a +rough day. + + * * * + +"Everyone knows," a writer in _The Daily Mail_ declares, "that +electric light in the poultry-house results in more eggs." There may +be more of them but they never have the real actinic taste of the +natural egg. + + * * * + +An American inventor has devised a scheme for lassoing enemy +submarines. This is a decided improvement on the method of just +sticking a pin into them as they whizz by. + + * * * + +Since the talk of Prohibition in Scotland, we are informed that one +concert singer began the chorus of the famous Scottish ballad by +singing "O ye'll tak the dry road." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones_. "YOU'D SEE IN THE PAPERS, JOHN, ABOUT THE +AGITATION IN FAVOUR OF THE WIFE GOVERNING THE HOME." + +_Mr. Jones_. "WELL, CARRY ON, DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Bullies at the Bar":-- + + "He who had read his 'Pickwick'--and who has not?--will never + forget the trial scene where poor, innocent Mr. Pickwick is as + wax in the hands of the cross-examiner." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +We regret to say that, in our edition, _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_ omitted +to put his client in the witness-box, and consequently _Mr. Serjeant +Buzfuz_ never had a chance of showing what he could do with him. + + * * * * * + +=BEFORE THE CENOTAPH.= + +NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Not with dark pomp of death we keep their day, + Theirs who have passed beyond the sight of men, + O'er whom the autumn strews its gold again, + And the grey sky bends to an earth as grey; + But we who live are silent even as they + While the world's heart marks one deep throb; and then, + Touched by the gleam of suns beyond our ken, + The Stone of Honour crowns the trodden way. + + Above the people whom they died to save + Their shrine of sleep is set; abideth there + No dust corruptible, nought that death may have; + But from remembrance of the days that were + Rises proud sorrow in a resistless wave + That breaks upon the empty sepulchre. + +D. M. S. + + * * * * * + +=OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.= + +PRIZE-MONEY. + +The really intriguing thing about Naval prize-money is the fact that +no one knows exactly where it comes from. You don't win it by any +definite act of superlative daring--I mean to say, you don't have to +creep out under cover of darkness and return in the morning with an +enemy battleship in tow to qualify for a modicum of this mysterious +treasure. You just proceed serenely on your lawful occasions, +confident in the knowledge that incredible sums of prize-money +are piling themselves up for your ultimate benefit. I suppose the +authorities understand all about it; nobody else does. One just lets +it pile. It is a most gratifying thought. + +During the more or less stormy times of the First Great War, we of the +Navy were always able to buttress our resolution with golden hopes +of a future opulence denied to our less fortunate comrades in the +trenches. Whenever the struggle was going particularly badly +for us--when, for instance, a well-earned shore-leave had been +unexpectedly jammed or a tin of condensed milk had overturned into +somebody's sea-boot--we used to console each other with cheerful +reminders of this accumulating fruit of our endeavours. "Think of the +prize-money, my boy," we used to exclaim; "meditate upon the jingling +millions that will be yours when the dreary vigil is ended;" and as +by magic the unseemly mutterings of wrath would give place to purrs +of pleasurable anticipation. Even we of the R.N.V.R., mere temporary +face-fringes, as it were, which the razor of peace was soon to remove +from the war-time visage of the Service--even we fell under the spell. +"Fourteen million pounds!" we would gurgle, hugging ourselves with joy +in the darkness of the night-watches. + +In the months immediately following demobilisation I was frequently +stimulated by glittering visions of vast wealth presently to be +showered upon me from the swelling coffers of a grateful Admiralty. +During periods of more or less temporary financial embarrassment +I would mention these expectations to my tailor and other restless +tradespeople of my acquaintance. "Fourteen millions--prize-money, you +know," I would say confidentially; "may come in at any time now." I +found this had a soothing effect upon them. + +As the seasons rolled by, however; as summer and winter ran their +appointed courses and again the primrose pranked the lea unaccompanied +by any signs of vernal activity on the part of the Paymaster-in-Chief, +these visions of mine became less insistent. I was at length obliged +to confess that another youthful illusion was fading; prize-money +began to take its place in my mind along with the sea-serpent and +similar figures of marine mythology. I was frankly hurt; I ceased even +to raise my hat when passing the Admiralty Offices on the top of a +bus. + +That was a month or two ago; everything is all right again now. I once +more experience the old pleasing thrill of emotion when riding down +Whitehall. I have come to see how ungracious my recent attitude was. + +A chance meeting with Bunbury, late sub-Loot R.N.V.R. and a sometime +shipmate of mine--Bunbury and I had squandered our valour recklessly +together aboard the Tyne drifters in the great days when Bellona wore +bell-bottoms--sufficed to bring me head-to-wind. + +In the course of conversation I referred to the non-fulfilment of our +early dreams; I spoke rather bitterly. + +"And there are fourteen millions somewhere belonging to us," I +concluded mutinously. + +Bunbury regarded me with pained surprise. "Really, old sea-dog," he +said, "this won't do. Never let the engine-oil of discontent leak into +the rum-cask of loyal memories, you know. Now listen to me. Two years +ago you and I wore the wavy gold braid of a valiant life; we surged +along irresistibly in the wake of NELSON; we kept the watch assigned. +Does not your bosom very nearly burst with pride to call those days to +mind? It does. What then? Has it never once occurred to you that the +last remaining link between us and the stirring past is this very +prize-money you are so eager to soil with the grimy clutch of avarice? +Don't you realize that this alone exists to keep our memory green in +the minds of our old leaders at Whitehall? Picture the scene as it is. +Someone mentions the word 'prize-money.' Immediately the Lords of +the Admiralty reach for their record files and begin turning over +the pages. They come upon the names of John Augustus Plimsoll-- +yourself--and Horatio Bunbury--me. 'Ah,' they exclaim fondly, 'two of +our old gunroom veterans--when shall we look upon their like again?' +Then they get up and go out to lunch. + +"A month or so later the same thing occurs; once more our names leap +out from the type-written page. 'Brave boys,' they murmur, 'gallant +lads! What should we have done without them in the dark days? They +shall have their prize-money this very--why, bless my soul, if it +isn't one o'clock!' + +"Surely," pursued Bunbury earnestly, "you appreciate the fine +sentimental value of this one last tie? As long as our prize-money is +in the keeping of the Service we can still think of it with intimate +regard; we can still call ourselves BEATTY'S boys and hide our blushes +when the people sing 'Rule, Britannia.' You must see that this is the +only large-hearted way of looking at the matter." + +"Bunbury, old sailor," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat, "you +have done me good; you have made me feel ashamed of myself." + + * * * * * + +There can be no doubt that Bunbury is right. I am so convinced of it +that when next my tailor inquires anxiously what steps are being taken +for the distribution of prize-money I shall put the matter to him just +as Bunbury put it to me. He is certain to understand. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "The newest fashions are now being displayed in ----'s new + dress salons, so that it is an easy matter to select an entire + winter outfit with the minimum of ease."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London."--_Australian Magazine_. + +A clear case for the S.P.C.A. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Authors). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES. + +LORD ROBERT CECIL. "I TRUST THAT AFTER ALL WE MAY SECURE AT LEAST YOUR +QUALIFIED SUPPORT FOR OUR LEAGUE OF NATIONS?" + +U.S.A. PRESIDENT-ELECT: "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH OURS?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman (overhearing political discussion)_. +"LOOK HERE, MY GOOD FELLOW--I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR ARGUMENTS; AND +LET ME TELL YOU WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT." + +_Politician_. "LUMME, GUV'NOR, YOU'D BETTER COME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT +THEN."] + + * * * * * + +=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.= + +I think the time has come for me to follow the example of so many +other people and offer to the world a few pen pictures of prominent +statesmen of the day. I shall not call them "Shaving Papers from +Downing Street," nor adopt the pseudonym of "The Man with the Hot +Water (or the Morning Tea)," nor shall I roundly assert that I have +been the private secretary, the doctor, the dentist or the washerwoman +of the great men of whom I speak. Nevertheless I have sources of +information which I do not mean to disclose, except to say that heavy +persons who sit down carelessly on sofas may unknowingly inflict +considerable pain, through the sharp ends of broken springs, on those +beneath. + +I shall begin naturally with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. + +There is probably no statesman of whom such widely different estimates +have been formed as the present Prime Minister of Great Britain. I +have heard him compared with THEMISTOCLES, with MACCHIAVELLI, with +MIRABEAU (I think it was MIRABEAU, but it may have been one of those +other people beginning with "M" in French history. Almost everybody in +French history began with an "M," like the things that were drawn by +the three little girls in the well), and even with the younger PITT. +I have heard him spoken of as a charlatan, as a chameleon, as a +chatterbox, and, by a man who had hoped that the KAISER would be +hanged in Piccadilly Circus, as a chouser. Almost all of these +estimates are thoroughly fallacious. Let us take, for instance, +MACCHIAVELLI. It was the declared opinion of MACCHIAVELLI that for the +establishment and maintenance of authority all means may be resorted +to and that the worst and most treacherous acts of the ruler, however +unlawful in themselves, are justified by the wickedness and treachery +of the governed. Has Mr. LLOYD GEORGE ever said this? He may have +thought it, of course, but has he ever said it? No. When one considers +that besides this dictum MACCHIAVELLI wrote seven books on the art +of war, a highly improper comedy, a life of CASTRUCCIO CASTRACANI +(unfinished, and can you wonder?), and was very naturally put to the +torture in 1513, it will be seen how hopelessly the parallel with Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE breaks down. + +Let us turn then to the younger PITT. I have read somewhere of the +younger PITT that he cared more for power than for measures, and +was ready to sacrifice great causes with which he had sincerely +sympathised rather than raise an opposition that might imperil his +ascendency. That is just the kind of nasty and long-winded thing that +anybody might say about anybody. It was by disregarding this kind of +criticism that the younger PITT kept on being younger. But apart from +this, does Mr. LLOYD GEORGE quote HORACE in the House? Never, thank +goodness. How many times did WILLIAM PITT cross the English Channel? +Only once in his whole life. That settles it. + +The predominant note--I may almost say the keynote--of the PRIME +MINISTER'S character is rather a personal magnetism such as has never +been exercised by any statesman before or after. When he rises to +speak in the House all eyes are riveted on him as though with a +vice until he has finished speaking. Even when he has finished they +sometimes have to be removed by the Serjeant-at-Arms with a chisel. +His speeches have the moral fervour and intensity of one of the Minor +Prophets--NAHUM or AMOS, in the opinion of some critics, though I +personally incline to MALACHI or HABAKKUK. This personal magnetism +which Mr. LLOYD GEORGE radiates in the House he radiates no less in +10, Downing Street, where a special radiatorium has been added to the +breakfast-room to radiate it. Imagine an April morning, a kingfisher +on a woody stream, poplar-leaves in the wind, a shower of sugar shaken +suddenly from a sifter, and you have the man. + +It has been said that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has quarrelled with some of +his nearest friends; but this again is a thing that might happen to +anybody. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may have had certain slight differences of +opinion with Lord NORTHCLIFFE, but what about HENRY VIII. and WOLSEY? +and HENRY V. and _Falstaff_? and HENRY II. and THOMAS A BECKET? + +Talking of THOMAS A BECKET, rather a curious story has been told to +me, which I give for what it is worth. It is stated that some time ago +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was so enraged by attacks in a certain section of the +Press that he shouted suddenly, after breakfast one morning in Downing +Street, "Will no one rid me of this turbulent scribe?" Whereupon +four knights in his secretarial retinue drew their swords and set out +immediately for Printing House Square. Fortunately there happened to +be a breakdown on the Metropolitan Railway that day, so that nothing +untoward occurred. + +I sometimes think that if one can imagine the eloquence of SAVONAROLA +blended with the wiliness of ULYSSES and grafted on to the strength +and firmness of OLIVER CROMWELL, we have the best historical parallel +for Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. It ought to be remembered that the grandfather +of OLIVER CROMWELL came from Wales and that the PROTECTOR is somewhere +described as "Oliver Cromwell _alias_ Williams." Something of that old +power of dispensing with stupid Parliamentary opinion seems to have +descended to our present PRIME MINISTER. There is one difference, +however. OLIVER CROMWELL'S famous advice to his followers was to trust +in Divine Providence "and keep your powder dry." Mr. LLOYD GEORGE puts +his powder in jam. + +K. + + * * * * * + +=Our Patient Fishermen.= + + "Mr. ----, jun., had another salmon on the Finavon Water. + This is the second he has secured since the flood."--_Scotch + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DON'T TURN YOUR 'EAD AWAY, MY LORD. WHY, DURIN' THE +WAR IT WAS ALL 'MA, MA, 'AVE YOU ANY MATCHES?'"] + + * * * * * + +=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.= + +THE WHALE. + +_AIR._--_"The Tarpaulin Jacket."_ + + The whale has a beautiful figure, + Which he makes every effort to spoil, + For he knows if he gets a bit bigger + He increases the output of oil. + + That is why he insists upon swathing + His person with layers of fat. + You have seen a financier bathing? + Well, the whale is a little like that. + + At heart he's as mild as a pigeon + And extremely attached to his wife, + But getting mixed up with religion + Has ruined the animal's life. + + For in spite of his tact and discretion + There is fixed in the popular mind + A wholly mistaken impression + That the whale is abrupt and unkind. + + And it's simply because of the prophet + Who got into a ship for Tarshish + But was thrown (very properly) off it + And swallowed alive by "a fish." + + Now I should not, of course, have contested + The material truth of the tale + If the prophet himself had suggested + That the creature at fault was a whale. + + But the prophet had no such suspicion, + And that is convincing because + He was constantly in a position + To see what the miscreant was. + + And this is what punctures the bubble, + As JONAH, no doubt, was aware: + "A _fish_" was the cause of the trouble, + But the whale is a _mammal_. So there! + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + +=THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.= + +"Dancers are born, not made," said John. + +"_Some_ are born dancers," corrected Cecilia, "others achieve +dancing." + +"Well, I'm not going to have it thrust on me any way," retorted John. +"I never have liked dancing and I never shall. I haven't danced for +years and years and I don't intend to. I don't know any of these +new-fangled dances and I don't want to." + +"Don't be so obstinate," said Cecilia. "What you want doesn't matter. +You've got to learn, so you may as well give way decently. Come along +now, I'll play for you, and Margery will show you the steps." + +"If Margery attempts to show me the steps I shall show her the door. +I won't be bullied in my own house. Why don't you make your brother +dance, if somebody must?" said John, waving his arm at me. + +"Come on, Alan," said Margery; "we can't waste our time on him. Come +and show him how it's done." + +"My dear little sister," I said sweetly, "I should simply love it, but +the fact is--I can't." + +"Can't," echoed Margery. "Why not?" + +"I hate to mention these things," I explained, "but the fact is I +took part in a war that has been on recently, and I have a bad hip, +honourable legacy of same." + +"Oh, Alan," said Margery, "how can you? Your hip's absolutely fit, you +know it is. You haven't mentioned it for months." + +"My dear Margery," I said, drawing myself up, "I hope your brother +knows how to suffer in silence. But if you suppose that because I +don't complain--Great heavens, child, sometimes in the long silent +watches of the night--" + +"Well, how about, tennis, then?" said Margery. "You've been playing +all this summer, you know you have." + +"All what summer?" I asked. + +"That's a good one," said John; "I bet she can't answer that." + +"Don't quibble," said Margery. + +"Don't squabble," said Cecilia. + +"Yes, stop squibbling," said John. + +"I'm not quabbling," said I. + +John and I leaned against each other and laughed helplessly. + +"When you have finished," said Cecilia with a cold eye, "perhaps you +will decide which of you is going to have the first lesson." + +"Good heavens," said John tragically, "haven't they forgotten the +dancing yet?" + +"We may as well give way, John," I said; "we shall get no peace until +we do." + +"I suppose not," said John dismally "Very well, then, you're her +brother you shall have first go." + +He waved me politely to Margery. + +"Not at all," I said quickly "Brothers-in-law first in our +family--always." + +"Could we both come together?" asked John. + +"No, you can't," said Margery. + +"Then we must toss for it," said John, producing a coin. + +"Tails," I called. + +"Tails it is," said John, walking across the room to Margery. + +And the lesson commenced. + + * * * * * + +"_Chassee_ to the right, _chassee_ to the left, two steps forward, two +steps backward, twinkle each way--" + +"Five shillings on Twinkle, please," I interrupted. + +Margery stopped and looked at me. + +"You keep quiet, Alan," shouted Cecilia, cheerfully banging the piano. + +"I shall never learn," said John miserably from the middle of the +room, "not in a thousand years." + +"Yes, you will," encouraged Margery. "Just listen. _Chassee_ to the +right, _chassee_ to the left, two steps forward, two steps back, +twinkle each way--" + +"Take away the number you first thought of," I suggested, "and the +answer's the Louisiana Glide." + +"To finish up," said Margery, "we grasp each other firmly, prance +round, two bars...." + +"That sounds a bit better," said John. + +" ... then waltz four bars," continued Margery, "and that's all. Come +on, now." + +They came on.... + +"Good," said Margery as they finished up; "he's doing it splendidly, +Cecilia." + +John beamed complacently. + +"I got through that last bit rather well," he said; "'pon my word, +there's more in this dancing than I thought. I quite enjoyed that +twinkling business." + +"Have another one," I suggested. + +"Don't mind if I do," said John. "May I have the pleasure?" with a +courtly bow to Margery. + +They re-commenced. + +"That's right," said Margery; "now two forward." + +"I must have a natural genius for dancing," said John, conversing +easily; "I seem to ... Do we twinkle next?" + +"Yes," said Margery. + +"I seem to fall into it naturally." + +"Look out!" shrieked Margery. + +I don't know exactly what happened; I rather think John got his gears +mixed up in the twinkling business. At any rate, one of his feet shot +up in the air, he made a wild grab at nothing and tripped heavily +backwards into the hearth. The piano was drowned in general uproar. + +John arose with difficulty from the ashes and addressed himself +haughtily to Cecilia. + +"I can understand that these two," he said, waving a black but +contemptuous hand at Margery and myself, "should scream with delight. +Their whole conception of humour is bound up with banana-skins and +orange-peel. But may I ask why _you_ should have hysterics because +your husband has fallen into the fireplace?" + +"'You seemed to fall into it so naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky +voice. + +"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am trying--please--if only you would +take that piece of soot off your nose--" She dabbed her eyes and wept +helplessly. + +John rubbed his nose quickly and walked to the door. + +"If you want my opinion of dancing," he said bitterly, "I think it's a +low pagan habit." + +"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang Margery. + +"Bah!" said John, and banged the door. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW UTOPIA. + +[Suggested by Mr. J. H. THOMAS'S book, just out, with a Red Flag on the +wrapper.] + + O England, with what joy I hail + The master-hand that calms and cools + In THOMAS'S entrancing tale, + _When Labour Rules_. + + There will be no more serfs and slaves; + There will be no more feudal fools; + The KING may stay, if he behaves, + When Labour rules. + + Workers, in Downing Street installed, + Will never think of downing tools; + Strikes clearly never will be called + When Labour rules. + + The hand of brotherhood that knits + At present Tom and Dick with Jules + Will be extended to good Fritz, + When Labour rules. + + The vile capitalistic crew + Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls + Will vanish in the boundless blue + When Labour rules. + + Our children will be standardized + In psycho-analytic schools, + And brains completely equalized + When Labour rules. + + O Paradise! O frabjous day! + When 'neath the flag of flaming gules + Labour shall hold unchallenged sway-- + When THOMAS rules. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE ENORMOUS SUCCESS OF _THE DAILY MAIL_ +HAT-- + +--WE LOOK FORWARD ANXIOUSLY TO _THE TIMES_ CRAVAT-- + +--_THE TELEGRAPH_ COAT-- + +--_THE CHRONICLE_ QUILTED BAGS + +--_THE HERALD_ PATENT SABOTS. + +STUDY OF AN IMPARTIAL READER. + +=MANNERS AND MODES.=] + + * * * * * + +=GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS.= + +"Genf," like "Geneve," is the Swiss for "Geneva." It was selected, +nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few +days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company, +corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited +so long before it came and sat upon it. + +You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the +subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our PRIME MINISTER +came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of +Switzerland as one by one they get sat on. As there are not more +than half-a-dozen eligible towns in Switzerland, and as we shall have +exhausted two of them in less than half a year, the living I make is +a precarious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A +short life and a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle +merriment in that word "Genf." + +To get to Geneva you provide yourself with a passport, a book of rail +and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket +for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the registration of +your luggage. In short, by the time you are in France you will have +had pass through your hands one passport and eleven tickets; and the +first thing you will do upon settling down into the French train is to +compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will +find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva +and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket +inspector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the +Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justification; for +a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for +travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities, +he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the +nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before. + +Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a +lake, and in the second place it is always brimful of International +Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated +in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a +two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the +little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me +back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose +only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the +incoming liner. Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for +the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I +spoke to him about this on the last day, and he showed a fine courage +which nothing can depress. Next season he means to try again. As he +will be out of a job in the interval I am plotting to secure for him +the post of naval expert to the League. + +Turning from the lake to the international delegates, who abound +in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the +International Congress of Leagues of Women. Their main agendum was to +pronounce their complete independence of men. One of these delegates +went for a row on the lake and fell in. She was pulled out again by a +man. + +You will find that Geneva was nominated as the seat of the League in +the Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, the people of Geneva have +been busy conjecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its +arrival in Geneva. It will do exactly what you and I would do in +similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry +off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned +things outright. I don't know what they do about notices on the walls; +alter some and remove others, no doubt. The international delegates +will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the +military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man +gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three +times if they want him to come up _at once_ and discuss schemes for +readjusting the various oceans. + +As to the other usual decorations of hotel bedroom walls, the notice +will be removed which informs all concerned that the management will +not be held responsible for valuables, unless these be deposited in +the office safe, though this will not be intended to indicate that the +new management has doubts as to the safety even of its own safe. + +The "Hotel National," which is the hotel in question, was in process +of complete reconstruction when the purchase took place. A bathroom +has been annexed to every room. Presumably every international +delegate will have a suite allotted to his nation. The question I ask +myself is this, Will he put himself in the room and his secretaries +in the bathroom, or himself in the bathroom and the secretaries in the +room? And the answer I make to myself is as follows: The delegate will +appoint the room to be his room and the bathroom to be his bathroom +and will leave his secretaries to make the best of things out in the +corridor. The suggestion you will probably make is that there are more +suites of rooms than nations; that I must leave you to work out for +yourself. The number of suites of rooms is ascertainable, but no one +seems able to inform me how many nations there are. Personally every +time I pick up a newspaper I seem to discover a new one. However that +may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, and may the +best one win the Cup Final, say I! + +F. O. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Profiteer's Wife._ "HEAVENS! MARGARET HAS ELOPED +WITH THE CHAUFFEUR IN THE CAR." + +_The Profiteer._ "_WHAT!_ NOT THE NEW ROLLS-ROYCE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +1914. + +"Don't 'e look lovely in 'is uniform?" + +"I do like a play wiv a bit of fightin' in it." + +"O, ain't 'e sweet!" + +"Makes you feel all shiverylike when 'e waves 'is sword an' all, don't +it?" + +"Oo, I 'ope they're not going to fire no guns." + + +1920. + +"E's got civvy boots on!" + +"Take 'is blinkin' name, Sergeant, an' get 'is blinkin' 'air cut." + +"What are yer, Sick Parade?" + +"Fall in, defaulters." + +"'Oo stole the rum?"] + + * * * * * + +=FOR THE CHILDREN.= + +Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help in a good +cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf +of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which Her Majesty the QUEEN is +Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little +ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of +fifteen. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they +stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during which they +receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended, +body and mind. Many of them have lost a leg or an arm and nearly all +have some bandaged limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive +to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their +uniform. + +The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping +necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead +for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report +and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives, +in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in +their happy surroundings. + +All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of +the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall +Bridge Road, S.W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Minister's Wife._ "ARE YOU ALWAYS AS FEEBLE AS THIS, +MR. MACPHERSON? DO YOU NEVER FEEL STRONGER?" + +_Macpherson._ "AH WEEL, ME'M, AS THE MEENISTER WAD TELL YE HIMSEL', +ANY SMA' MEASURE O' HEALTH THAT AH HAE IS JUST ABOOT MEALTIMES."] + + * * * * * + +"The Unknown Warrior." + +WESTMINSTER ABBEY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920. + + Here lies a warrior, he alone + Nameless among the named and known; + None nobler, though by word and deed + Nobly they served their country's need, + And won their rest by right of worth + Within this storied plot of earth. + Great gifts to her they gave, but he-- + He gave his life to keep her free. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW JOURNALISM. + + ["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like + the circulation of _The Daily Mail_. Pennsylvania gives him + a majority which appears equal to the circulation of _The + Evening News_. It is phenomenal."--_The Evening News._] + +The method which is being used just now by some of Mr. Punch's +contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations does not, it +will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, though doubtless it has its +advantages from the advertising point of view. The following items of +news are intelligently anticipated. + + * * * + +The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a result of +the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the number of quires of +"returns" of last week's _Pawkiesheils Gazette_. It is insignificant. + + * * * + +An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield proves +that there were as many men in favour of rejecting the Government +proposals as would have provided ten readers for each copy sold (_not_ +merely printed) of the last issue of _The Chowbent and Chequerbent +Chronicle_. It is magnificent. + + * * * + +It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen and +another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write piquant +reviews of Mrs. ASQUITH'S autobiography, the sale of the work will +probably greatly exceed the numbers of copies of the latest Blue Book +issued by H.M. Stationery Office. It is unthinkable. + + * * * + +It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain +cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, as many people +will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the +film--without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of +"The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre." It is good business. + + * * * * * + + "An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at + 51/- from Messrs. ----'s."--_Sunday Paper._ + +At that price they must have been very plain cooks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SHRINE OF HONOUR. + +"WHO GOES THERE?" + +"I HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY." + +"PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR."] + + * * * * * + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, November 1st._--In response to a renewed demand for the +Admiralty's account of the Battle of Jutland the PRIME MINISTER +made the remarkable statement that it was very difficult to get "an +official _and impartial_ account," but he added that the Government +were willing to publish all the reports and despatches on the subject +and leave the public to judge. + + Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree? + Why, JULIAN CORBETT, or the great B.P. + +Owing to the unexpectedly rapid passage through Committee of the +Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a +number of British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse +subjects they were alike in one respect--without exception they +incurred the hostility of Sir F. BANBURY. Whether it was a proposal +to reduce the dangers of employing women in lead processes or to give +married women in Scotland the same privileges as their English sisters +(including the duty of supporting an indigent husband), or to hold +an Empire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile Courts, the hon. baronet +found reason for opposing them all. + +Once or twice he secured the support of Sir JOHN REES, but for +the most part he was _Athanasius contra mundum_, maintaining his +equanimity even when Mr. HOGGE advised him to "marry a Scotswoman;" +or Lady ASTOR expressed her regret that he had not women, instead of +bankers, for his constituents. + +[Illustration: "ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM." + +SIR FREDERICK BANBURY.] + +The Government had no reason to complain of his activity, which may +indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for +despite his efforts every Bill went through. + +_Tuesday, November 2nd._--The most striking thing in Lord LOREBURN'S +speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me to be his uncompromising +declaration that he was "no supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." He endorsed, +however, his former chief's demand for an independent inquiry into the +reprisals, but his motion was defeated by 44 to 13. + +[Illustration: "No supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." + +LORD LOREBURN.] + +Ever since Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS defeated Mr. CHURCHILL at Manchester +he has felt it his duty to keep on his track. Convinced that our +policy in Mesopotamia is due to the WAR MINISTER'S megalomania he is +most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary +Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion. +But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged +spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; "I do not +immediately require money." + +The gloom of the daily Irish catechism was a little brightened by an +interchange of pleasantries between Mr. STANTON and Mr. JACK JONES. +On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. "Golliwog!" +he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant _chevelure_. +Mr. STANTON could think of no better retort than the stereotyped +"Bolshie!" and when Mr. JONES rejoined with "You ought to be put into +Madame Tussaud's" Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a +scandal that these entertaining comedians should only get four hundred +a year? + +On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN was faced with an +urgent demand for a separate Wages Board for Wales. First he wouldn't; +it would be "an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement." +But the Welshmen were so insistent that he changed his mind, and when +the vigilant Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the +ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir +ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be +"additional expenditure," there would be no "fresh charge." Such are +the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system. + +_Wednesday, November 3rd._--When Mr. CHURCHILL, some sixteen years +ago, crossed the floor of the House, his man[oe]uvre was regarded as +a portent, and men talked of "a sinking ship." It cannot be said +that Lord HENRY BENTINCK'S sudden appearance among the Labour Members +created anything like the same sensation, even though he was joined a +little later by Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY. Lord HENRY has always derived his +political opinions rather from his heart than his head, and has lately +developed a habit of firing explosive Questions at Ministers from his +eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontal attacks +less disconcerting. + +[Illustration: "OLD GOLLIWOG." + +Mr. C. B. STANTON (_As viewed by Mr. JACK JONES_).] + +While Lord HENRY was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years +before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. MOSLEY has made +the same discovery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From +his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was +being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. ADDISON +contented himself with professing ignorance of any such transaction. +A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed +all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition. + +News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the +evening. Mr. BRIDGEMAN, always cautious, "understood" that the men +had been "recommended" to go back to work. Mr. ADAMSON, fresh from the +Conference, was much more downright. "The strike," he said, "has been +declared off, and the men return to work." So that's that. + +_Thursday, November 4th._--Lord SALISBURY'S complaint that the +Government's policy in Egypt was shrouded in more than Egyptian +darkness brought a spirited reply from Lord CURZON, who declared that +every stage in the negotiations had been fully revealed in the Press. +If no definite decision as to the future government of the country +had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet +had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord MILNER'S +subsequent account of his Mission, it would appear that the process +will be long and stormy. The Mission went to Cairo to sound the +feeling of the Nationalists, but for all practical purposes they might +as well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed +ZAGHLUL PASHA and his colleagues, and obtained information which +materially altered and softened their previous views. The best +Nationalists were not anti-British, but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord +MILNER'S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the +stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous. + +Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE is not very popular in the House of Commons just +now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" to the WAR MINISTER +he was so persistently "boo-ed" that the SPEAKER had to intervene to +secure him a hearing. Mr. LOWTHER probably repented his kindness when +it appeared that Mr. MALONE had nothing more urgent to say than that +Mr. CHURCHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in +Ireland than in reviewing books for _The Daily Mail_. + +For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR essayed to move the +adjournment in order to call attention to what he called "the policy +of frightfulness" in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the +motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive kind. Mr. +DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the +word "reprisals" being used for the "infamies" going on in Ireland, +declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and +prophesied that the present CHIEF SECRETARY, "with all his outward +appearance of great masculinity," would fail, as BALFOUR and +CROMWELL--the House enjoyed this concatenation--had failed before him. + +In points of detail Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD conceded a little more to +his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider +whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries +or other property wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted that some +constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under +arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant. +Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, "They have declared +war upon us and I suppose war it must be," the CHIEF SECRETARY said in +his most emphatic tones, "War it will be until assassination stops." + +[Illustration: "Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a +fine bird her son had provided her with." + +WALES AND SIR A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN.] + + * * * * * + +STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS. + +Stuttfield was nothing of a NERO. He would never have fiddled while +Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was +burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire. +He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational +literature upon a nervous temperament. + +It all began through Stuttfield finding a copy of _The Daily Blast_ in +a railway carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper, +but the tendency of its contents is ruddy--that is to say, it has +"Red" leanings. It was a revelation to Stuttfield. + +"Are people _allowed_ to say such things?" he asked me in horror. + +"My dear fellow, no one takes it seriously," I said. "Don't you +worry." + +But Stuttfield did worry. _The Daily Blast_ had the same effect upon +him as a snake has upon a rabbit; it terrified him, yet he could not +run away from it. In fact he became a regular subscriber and continued +so despite some rumours that it was supported financially by the +Rougetanians--rumours which required, and received, a great deal of +explanation. + +Then, through the offices of his man-servant, he obtained a copy of +_The Volcano_. + +_The Volcano_ appears to be in advance of _The Daily Blast_ in its +ideals, and immensely so in their expression. But here again I assured +Stuttfield that no one took them seriously. "I don't suppose they +take themselves seriously," I assured him. "They want to sell _The +Volcano_, that's all." + +"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do sell it, and people read it." + +"I expect the circulation's about two thousand a week," I said +consolingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, was not consoled. + +I met him at intervals after that, and on each occasion he seemed to +be more obsessed with the notion that the "Reds" would overwhelm us +all shortly. + +"Russia is Red," he whispered; he always whispers now for fear of +being overheard by a Red agent, though there was not very much risk of +that in St. James's Street. "And what about India and China?" + +"Red, black and yellow--the Zingari colours," I said ribaldly, and +Stuttfield left me in disgust. + +Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill. +This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse. + +"You've taken an overdose of _The Volcano_," I said. + +He seized my arm with trembling fingers. + +"The Red Revolution is upon us," he hissed. + +I laughed. "Don't you worry about the Red Revolution. You come out to +lunch." + +He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs and restaurants would be attacked +first, he thought. If we lunched together it had better be in +an eating-house in Bermondsey. "I have a disguise," he said, and +disclosed a complete proletarian outfit. + +"Well, I haven't," I said. "Not that these clothes of mine will lead +anyone to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so far as lunch goes, +hadn't we better be killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than by tripe in +Bermondsey?" + +Stuttfield could not but admit the sense of this, so we started out. + +It is widely recognised that Flag Days, however admirable their +objects, have been a little overdone. But it was sheer bad luck that +brought Stuttfield face to face with a flag-seller just as we were +entering the Fitz. She came at him with a determined aspect and began +"The Red Cr----" + +It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was across the pavement and into a taxi +before I could stop him. There was nothing for me to do but follow +him. + +"Where are we going?" I asked. + +"Waterloo," he answered through blanched lips. I could get nothing +more from him. + +At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving me to pay the cab, and disappeared +into the station. I followed as quickly as I could, but he was nowhere +to be seen. + +"Where would he go to hide from the Reds?" I asked myself. Suddenly I +had an idea about his destination. + +I was right. In the foremost carriage I found him. I tried to persuade +him to come out, but he clung to the rack. So I left him. I have not +seen him since. + +I hope he feels safe in the Isle of Wight. + + * * * * * + + "You can burn your slack cook in oven in our ---- + Grate."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._ + +But now that the coal strike is over we shall try to put up with our +cook a little longer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Our Reverend Spoonerist (calling at the Deanery)._ "IS +THE BEAN DIZZY?"] + + * * * * * + + "WALLASEY'S LOW FIGURE. + + POPULATION JUMP--FROM 21,192 TO 99,493 IN 28 DAYS." + + _Liverpool Paper._ + +We do not know why this should be described as a "low figure." To us +it seems remarkably good going. + + * * * * * + + "The weather forecast for Sheffield and district for the next + twenty-four years is as follows:-- + + Wind southerly, light, freshening later; cloudy or overcast; + probably some rain later; visibility indifferent to fair; + mild." + + _Yorkshire Paper._ + +It is hoped however that some improvement may be shown in 1945. + + * * * * * + +Puck's Record Eclipsed. + + "For five minutes I was in the Mercantile Marine and the Navy. + During these five minutes I made a complete circuit of the + globe."--_Letter in Welsh Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The pruning-fork is being applied in order to bring the + staff within the capacity of the accommodation."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +After which harmony will be restored by means of the tuning-knife. + + * * * * * + + "It did one good, on entering the Queen's Hall last night, to + find every seat in the building, even to those at the back + of the rostrum, occupied by the London Symphony + Orchestra."--_Evening Paper._ + +An audience is often so distracting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fortune-Teller (to client)._ "A DARK MAN HAS BEEN +HOVERING ABOUT YOUR PATH FOR THE LAST MONTH." + +_Client._ "OH, THAT MUST BE THE AGENT WHO'S BEEN WORRYING ME TO INSURE +MY LIFE."] + + * * * * * + +=THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MYSTERY.= + +In a provincial paper I find the following passage:-- + + "Counsel stated that the prisoner's mother was in court. Later + he informed the Judge that he had made a mistake; it was the + prisoner's mother-in-law. A general laugh throughout the court + followed this 'correction.'" + +We have here in a nutshell the case for traditional communal humour, +and once again we are set to wondering why--except possibly to allay +some whimsical twinges of self-respect--dramatists ever try to +invent new jokes at all. Even more are we set to wondering why this +particular joke never fails. + +In the present case the injustice done to an honourable class of +women--that is to say, those who provide lovers with their loves (for +that is how these relationships begin)--was the greater because no +doubt, when the laughter had subsided a little, every eye sought +for the lady in question. Normally we have not the opportunity +of visualising the butt at all. It is enough that she should +be mentioned. Nor would any grotesque details in her costume or +physiognomy make the joke appreciably better. It requires no such +assistance; it is rich enough without them; to possess a married +daughter is all that is necessary to cause gusts of joyful mirth. + +That it is not the lady herself who is funny could--no matter how +Gothic her figure--be proved in a moment by placing her in the +witness-box and asking her to state her relationship to the prisoner's +wife. She would say, "I am her mother," and nothing would happen. But +if the question were, "What is your relationship to the prisoner?" and +she replied, "I am his mother-in-law," sides would split. Similarly +one can imagine that if the husband's reply to the counsel's question, +"Who was with you?" had been, "My wife was with me," there would have +been no risible reaction whatever; but if the reply had been, "My +wife's mother was with me," the place would have been convulsed. Of +course the true artist in effect would never say, "My wife's mother," +but "My mother-in-law." It is the "in-law" that is so exquisitely +amusing and irresistible. + +But both would be the same person: the gravest thing on earth, +it might be, in every other respect--even sad and dignified--but +ludicrous because her daughter happened to have found a husband. + +To inquire why the bare mention of the mother of a man's wife should +excite merriment is to find oneself instantly deep in sociology--and +in some of its seamiest strata too. While exploring them one would +make the odd discovery that, whereas the humour that surrounds +and saturates the idea of a wife possessing a maternal relative +is inexhaustible, there is nothing laughable about the mother of a +husband. A wife can talk of her husband's mother all day and never +have the reputation of a wit, whereas her husband has but to mention +her mother and he is the rival of the Robeys. + +As for fathers-in-law, low comedians would starve if they had to +depend on the help that fathers-in-law give them. Fathers-in-law do +not exist. Nor do brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, except as facts; +but the joke is that they can be far more interfering (interference +being at the root of the matter, I take it) than anyone in the world. +It is the brother-in-law who knows of absolutely safe gilt-edged +investments (which rarely succeed), and has to be helped while waiting +for something to turn up; it is the sister-in-law who is so firmly +convinced that dear Clara (her brother's wife) is spoiling the +children. But both escape; while many really charming old ladies, +to whom their sons-in-law are devoted, continue to be riddled by the +world's satirical bullets. + +What is to be done about it? Nothing. Only the destruction of the +institution of marriage could affect it. + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +=MY APOLOGIA.= + +(_Lines accidentally omitted from a notorious volume of Memoirs._) + + If life is dull and day by day + I see that wittier, wiser + England where I was wont to play + (Being as bold as I was gay) + Keep passing rapidly away + All through the German KAISER; + + If "Souls" are not the things they were, + If caste declines and Vandals + Go practically everywhere + From Cavendish to Berkeley Square, + And dowdy frumps without the "air" + Monopolise the scandals; + + There is but one thing left to do-- + And what's a sporting flutter worth + Unless one takes a risk or two?-- + "I'll shock the world," I thought, "anew," + And (ultimately) did so through + The firm of THORNTON BUTTERWORTH. + + Two worlds indeed. The mighty West + Poured out her untold money + To gaze upon my palimpsest; + I think that Codex A was best, + But parts of this have been suppressed; + Publishers are so funny. + + And now my fame through London rings + In well-bred speech and _argot_; + At mild suburban tea-makings + The postman knocks, and poor dear things + Tear wildly at the parcel-strings + When MUDIE gives them MARGOT. + + Pressmen have tried to make a lot + Out of a certain instance + Of mild misstatement as to what + Happened in 1914. Rot! + All I can say is that my plot + Has much more _verve_ than WINSTON'S. + + Well, never mind. The work is done; + People who do not need it-- + The wit, the fire, the force, the fun, + The pathos--let them simply shun + This frightful book, shout "Shame!" and run; + Nobody's _forced_ to read it. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dentist (after preliminary inspection)._ +"EXTRAORDINARY THING--THERE'S ONE OF YOUR TEETH ONLY HALF STOPPED." + +_Patient._ "AH, THAT WERE T'OOTHER DENTIST. T' LAAD 'URT ME, SO AH +GAVE 'IM A GOOD LICK IN T' JAW."] + + * * * * * + +=NOMEN, OMEN.= + +(_By our Medical Correspondent._) + +No one who is interested in the possibilities of psycho-therapy +can view without serious misgiving recent tendencies in artistic +nomenclature. Some of us are old enough to remember when the trend +was in the direction of Italianisation; when FOLEY became SIGNOR FOLI; +CAMPBELL, CAMPOBELLO, and an American from Brooklyn was transformed +into BROCCOLINI. The vogue of alien aliases has passed, but it may +return, and it is to guard against the formidable and deleterious +results of its recrudescence that the following suggestions, are +propounded, not merely in the interests of Gongorism or of an +intensive cultivation of syncretic euphuism, but in accordance with +the most approved conclusions of psycho-analytic research. + +It may be urged--and the objection is natural--that there can be +little danger of a relapse in view of the heroic and patriotic +adhesion of some of our most distinguished artists to their homely +patronymics. No doubt the noble example of CLARA BUTT and CARRIE TUBB +is fortifying and reassuring, and there are also clamant proofs that +denationalisation is no passport to eminence. But it would be foolish +to overlook the existence of powerful influences operating in an +antipodal direction. I confess to a feeling approaching to dismay when +I study the advertisement columns of the daily papers and note the +recurrence, in the announcements of impending concerts, of names of +a strangely outlandish and exotic form. In a single issue I have +encountered KRISH, ARRAU, KOUNS and DINH GILLY. The Christian names of +some of these eminent performers are equally momentous and perturbing, +_e.g._, JASCHA, KOFZA and UTT. + +My grounds for perturbation are not imaginary or based on the +hallucinations of a hypersensitive mind. They are prompted and +justified by the notorious facts, established by the leading +psycho-analysts, that, just as mellifluous and melodious names +exercise a mollifying influence on the activities of the sub-conscious +self, so the possession or choice of strange or ferocious appellations +incites the bearer, if I may be permitted to use so commonplace a +term, to live up to his label. + +It is therefore with all the force at my command that I entreat and +implore singers, players and dancers to think, not once but twice or +thrice, before they yield to the fascination of the unfamiliar and +adopt artistic pseudonyms calculated to intensify the "urges" of +their primitive instincts. It is not too much to say that a singer +who deliberately assumes the name of Pongo, Og or Botuloffsky runs a +serious risk, in virtue of the inherent magic of names, of developing +qualities wholly unfitted for the atmosphere of a well-conducted +concert-hall. + +I believe that the question of establishing a censorship of artists' +names has been seriously considered by Dr. ADDISON, in view of its +bearing on public hygiene, and that he estimates the cost of staffing +the new department as not likely to exceed seven hundred and fifty +thousand pounds a year. Still, in these days when State economy is so +needful, it would be better if the desired effect were attained by the +pressure of enlightened public opinion rather than by the operations +of even so inexpensive a department as that contemplated by the +MINISTER OF HEALTH. + + * * * * * + +=IN FLANDERS FIELDS.= + +These famous verses, which originally appeared in _Punch_, December +8th, 1915, being the work of a Canadian officer, Lieut.-Colonel +MCCRAE, who fell in the War, have been subjected to so many +perversions--the latest in a letter to _The Times_ from a Minister of +the Crown, where the closing lines are misquoted as follows: + + "If ye break faith with those of us who died, + We shall not sleep, though poppies bloom in fields of France"-- + +that Mr. Punch thinks it would be well to reproduce them in their +correct form:-- + + In Flanders fields the poppies blow + Between the crosses, row on row, + That mark our place; and in the sky + The larks, still bravely singing, fly + Scarce heard amid the guns below. + + We are the Dead. Short days ago + We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, + Loved and were loved, and now we lie + In Flanders fields. + + Take up our quarrel with the foe: + To you from failing hands we throw + The torch; be yours to hold it high. + If ye break faith with us who die + We shall not sleep, though poppies grow + In Flanders fields. + + * * * * * + +=AT THE PLAY.= + +"FEDORA." + +It may or may not be well that the War has modified our estimate of +the value of life; but it is a bad thing for the legitimate drama. And +in the case of _Fedora_ the bloody _regime_ of LENIN has so paled +our memory of the terrors of Nihilism that SARDOU'S play seems almost +further away from us than the tragedy of _Agamemnon_. In our callous +incapacity to be thrilled by the ancient horrors of forty years ago we +fall back on the satisfaction to be got out of the author's dexterity +in the mechanics of his craft. + +And here the critic's judgment is also apt to be more cold-blooded. +He recognises the crude improbability of certain details which are +essential to the tragic development of the play. The death of _Count +Vladimir_ (accented on the first or second syllable according to the +temporary emotion of the speaker) was due to the discovery of a letter +in an unlocked drawer where it could never possibly have been thrown, +being an extremely private letter of assignation. The death of +_Fedora_, again, was the direct result of a letter which she +despatched to Petersburg denouncing a man who proved, in the light of +fresh facts learned a few minutes later, to be the last (or last but +one) that she would wish to injure. It is incredible that she should +not have hastened to send a second letter withdrawing her charge; +"instead of which" she goes casually off on a honeymoon with his +brother, and apparently never gives another thought to the matter till +it is fatally too late. + +However, I am not really concerned at this time of day with the +improbabilities of so well-established a tragedy, but only with the +most recent interpretation of it. And let me say at once that, for the +best of reasons, I do not propose to compete with the erudition of my +fellow-critics in the matter of previous interpreters, for I bring a +virgin mind to my consideration of the merits of the present cast. + +_Fedora_ is the most exhausting test to which Miss MARIE LOeHR has +yet put her talent. The heroine's emotions are worked at top-pressure +almost throughout the play. At the very start she is torn with +passionate grief for the death of her lover and a still more +passionate desire to take vengeance on the man who killed him. When +she learns the unworthiness of the one and the justification of the +other those emotions are instantly exchanged for a passionate worship +of the late object of her vengeance, to be followed by bitter remorse +for the harm she has done him and terror of the consequences when he +comes to know the truth. And so to suicide. + +I will confess that I was astonished at the power with which Miss LOeHR +met these exigent demands upon her emotional forces. It was indeed a +remarkable performance. My only reservation is that in one passage +she was too anxious to convey to the audience the intensity of her +remorse, when it was a first necessity that she should conceal it +from the other actor on the stage. It was nice and loyal of Mr. BASIL +RATHBONE to behave as if he didn't notice anything unusual, but it +must have been as patent to him as to us. + +Of his _Loris_ I cannot say too much in admiration. At first Mr. +RATHBONE seemed a little stiff in his admirably-fitting dress-clothes, +but in the last scene he moved through those swift changes of +emotion--from joy to grief, from rage to pity and the final anguish +and horror--with extraordinary imagination and resource. + +Of the others, Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as _Jean de Siriex_, played in +a quiet and assured undertone that served to correct the rather +expansive methods of Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, whose humour, always +delightful, afforded a little more relief than was perhaps consistent +with the author's designs and her own dignity as a great lady in the +person of the _Countess Olga_. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A Matinee in aid of the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children +will be given at the Garrick Theatre on Wednesday, November 17th, +at 2.30, when a comedy by Mr. LOUIS N. PARKER will be presented, +entitled, _Pomander Walk_ (period 1805). + +It is hoped that at the Alhambra Matinee on November 16th one thousand +pounds will be raised to complete the special pension fund for actors, +which is to be a tribute of affection to the memory of Mr. SYDNEY +VALENTINE, who, in the words of Mr. MCKINNEL, "did more for the rank +and file of the theatrical profession than any actor, living or dead." + + * * * * * + +="The Dog it was who Died."= + + "At Dovey Board of Conservators at Barmouth it was decided + to ask Major Dd. Davies to hunt the district with his otter + hounds, and failing this the water bailiffs themselves should + attempt to stamp them out."--_Welsh Paper._ + +Major DD. DAVIES' answer is not known to us, but we assume that he +said, "Well, I'm Dd." + + * * * * * + + "Royal Surrey Theatre. Grand Opera. To-night, 8, Cav. and + Pag."--_Daily Paper._ + +More evidence of the paper-shortage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Affluent Sportsman (after a long blank draw)._ "NOW I +BET YOU WE'LL FIND AS SOON AS I LIGHT ONE OF MY HALF-DOLLAR CIGARS." +_Friend._ "DON'T YOU THINK WE MIGHT MAKE A CERTAINTY OF IT IF I LIT +ONE TOO?"] + + * * * * * + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I do not think that even the most phlegmatic of Englishmen could +read _Francis and Riversdale Grenfell: a Memoir_ (NELSON) without a +quickening of the pulses. This is not to suggest that Mr. JOHN BUCHAN +has sought to make an emotional appeal--indeed he has told the tale +of these devoted brothers with a simplicity beyond praise--but it is +a tale so fine that it must fill the heart, even of those who were +strangers to them, with joy and pride. I beg you to read the memoir +for yourselves, and see how and why it was that these twin brothers, +from Eton onwards, radiated cheerfulness and a happy keenness wherever +they went. "Neither," Mr. BUCHAN writes, "could be angry for long, and +neither was capable of harshness or rancour. Their endearing grace of +manner made a pleasant warmth in any society which they entered; and +since this gentleness was joined to a perpetual glow of enthusiasm +the effect was triumphant. One's recollection was of something lithe, +alert, eager, like a finely-bred greyhound." Those of us who were not +personally acquainted with FRANCIS and RIVERSDALE GRENFELL will, after +reading this Memoir and the Preface by their uncle, Field-Marshal Lord +GRENFELL, seem to know them intimately. FRANCIS won the first V.C. +gained in the War, but when he read the announcement of it in _The +Gazette_ his brother was already killed and his joy of life was +quenched. "I feel," he wrote to his uncle, "that I know so many who +have done and are doing so much more than I have been able to do +for England. I also feel very strongly that any honour belongs to my +regiment and not to me." In that spirit he met his death a few months +later. In work and sport, in war or peace, the twins were ardent, +generous and brave, and their deaths were as glorious as their lives +were gracious and radiant. The profits of Mr. BUCHAN'S book are to +be devoted to the funds of the Invalid Children's Aid Association, in +which the brothers were deeply interested. + + * * * * * + +There are certain tasks which, like virtue, carry their reward with +them. No doubt Miss ELEANOUR SINCLAIR ROHDE would be gratified if +her book, _A Garden of Herbs_ (LEE WARNER), were to pass into several +editions--as I trust it will--and receive commendation on every +hand--as it surely must--but such results would be irrelevancies. She +has already, I am convinced, tasted so much delight in the making +of this, the most fragrant book that I ever read, in her delving and +selecting, that nothing else matters. Not only is the book fragrant +from cover to cover, but it is practical too. It tells us how +our ancestors of not so many generations ago--in Stuart times +chiefly--went to the herb garden as we go to the chemist's and the +perfumer's and the spice-box, and gave that part of the demesne much +of the honour which we reserve for the rock-garden, the herbaceous +borders and the pergola. And no wonder, when from the herbs that grow +there you can make so many of the lenitives of life--from elecampane +a sovran tonic, and from purslane an assured appetiser, and from +marjoram a pungent tea, and from wood-sorrel a wholesome water-gruel, +and from gillyflowers "a comfortable cordial to cheer the heart," and +from thyme an eye-lotion that will "enable one to see the fairies." +Miss ROHDE tells us all, intermingling her information with mottoes +from old writers and new. Sometimes she even tells too much, for, +though she says nothing as to how lovage got its pretty name, we are +told that "lovage should be sown in March in any good garden soil." +Did we need to be told that? Is it not a rule of life? "In the Spring +a young man's fancy...." + + * * * * * + +To my mind, amongst the least forgettable books of the present year +will be that to which Mr. SETON GORDON, F.Z.S., has given the title +of _The Land of the Hills and the Glens_ (CASSELL). Mr. GORDON has +already a considerable reputation as a chronicler of the birds +and beasts (especially the less approachable birds) of his native +Highlands. The present volume is chiefly the result of spare-moment +activities during his service as coast-watcher among the Hebrides. +Despite its unpropitious title, I must describe it without hyperbole +as a production of wonder and delight. Of its forty-eight photographic +illustrations not one is short of amazing. We are become used to fine +achievement in this kind, but I am inclined to think Mr. GORDON goes +one better, both in the "atmosphere" of his mountain pictures and in +his studies of birds at home upon their nests. To judge, indeed, +by the unruffled domesticity of these latter, one would suppose Mr. +GORDON to have been regarded less as the prying ornithologist than as +the trusted family photographer. I except the golden eagle, last of +European autocrats, whose greeting appears always as a super-imperial +scowl. Chiefly these happy results seem to have been due to a triumph +of patient camouflage, concerning which the author suggests the +interesting theory that birds do not count beyond unity, _i.e._, +if two stalkers enter an ambush and one subsequently emerges, the +vigilance of the feathered watchers is immediately relaxed. Should +this be true, I can only hope that Mr. GORDON will get in another book +before the spread of higher education increases his difficulties. + + * * * * * + +I should be inclined to call Mr. NORMAN DOUGLAS our only example of +the romantic satirist, though, unless you have some previous knowledge +of his work, I almost despair of condensing the significance of this +into a paragraph. For one thing the mere exuberance of his imagination +is a rare refreshment in this restricted age. His latest book, +with the stimulating title of _They Went_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), is an +admirable example of this. Certainly no one else could have created +this exotic city with its painted palaces and copper-encrusted towers, +a vision of sea-mists and rainbows; or peopled it with so iridescent a +company--the strange princess; the queen, her mother; the senile king +who should have been (but wasn't) her father; _Theophilus_, the Greek +artist; the philosophic old Druidess, and the dwarfs who "chanted +squeaky hymns amid sacrifices of mushrooms and gold-dust." Perhaps +this random quotation may hint at the fantastic nature of the tale; +it can give no idea of the intelligence that directs it, mocking, +iconoclastic, almost violently individual. Plot, I fancy, seldom +troubles Mr. DOUGLAS greatly; it happens, or it does not. Meanwhile +he is far more concerned in fitting a double meaning (at least) to the +most simple-sounding phrase. To sum up, _They Went_ is perhaps not +for idle, certainly not for unintelligent, reading; for those who +can appreciate quality in a strange guise it will provide a feast of +unfamiliar flavours that may well create an appetite for more. + + * * * * * + +That clever writer, Mr. A. P. HERBERT, would lightly describe his +story, _The House by the River_ (METHUEN), as a "shocker." But +there are ways and ways of shocking. He might wish to show us the +embarrassments of a fairly respectable member of the intellectual +classes, living in a highly respectable environment, when he finds +that he has committed homicide; and he might make the details as +gruesome as he liked. But there was no need to shock the sensitive +when he made his choice of the circumstances in which the poet, +_Stephen Byrne_, inadvertently throttles his housemaid. It is a +fault, too, that his scheme only interests him so far as it concerns +_Stephen_ and his society, and that the horror of the tragedy from +what one may loosely call the victim's point of view does not seem to +affect him at all. Otherwise, even for the sake of brevity, he could +not so flippantly refer to the body, sewn in a sack and thrown into +the river, as just "Eliza." He may argue that he never thought of the +corpse as a real one and that the whole thing was merely an experiment +in imaginative art; but his details are too well realised for that, +and so is his admirable picture of the society of Hammerton Chase, +W., a thin disguise for a riverside neighbourhood easy to recognise. +I could never get myself quite to believe that _Stephen's_ friend, +_Egerton_, accessory after the fact, would so long and so tamely have +borne the suspicion of it; but for the rest Mr. HERBERT'S study of his +milieu shows a very intimate observation. If his _Stephen_, in +whom the highest poetic talents are found tainted with a touch +of coarseness, may not always be credible, the passion for +self-expression which leads him on to versify his own experience in +the form of a mediaeval idyll, and so give himself away, is true to +life. But my final impression of Mr. HERBERT'S book--he will perhaps +think I am taking him too seriously--is that his many gifts and +notably his humour, whose gaiety I prefer to its grimness, are here +exercised on a rather unworthy theme. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARTYRS OF SCIENCE:--THE INVENTOR OF TOFFEE.] + + * * * * * + +=Fashions for Proxy-Fathers.= + + "The bride entered the church on the arm of Mr. T. ----, of + Happy Valley (who acted in loco parentis and was charmingly + attired in crepe-de-chine)."--_South African Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Is there anyone amongst the thousands of men who will benefit + who will be some an (please let the word remain, Mr. + Editor) as not to show his appreciation in the same + way?"--_Educational Paper._ + +Personally we think the Editor was a little too complaisant. + + * * * * * + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Page 361: Changed "corresponent" to "correspondent" + +(A corresponent writes to a contemporary) + + +Page 362: Removed extraneous single closing quote. + +("Sir Harry Johnston's 'The Gay Donkeys' has passed its fifth + edition in London.'"--_Australian Magazine_.) + + +Page 368: Changed "Pulman" to "Pullman" + +(a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car)] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 10, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 18114.txt or 18114.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/1/18114/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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