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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 3, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: March 15, 2006 [EBook #17994]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 3rd, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"After all," asks a writer, "why shouldn't Ireland have a Parliament,
+like England?" Quite frankly we do not like this idea of retaliation
+while more humane methods are still unexplored.
+
+* * *
+
+"The miners' strike," says a music-hall journal, "has given one
+song-writer the idea for a ragtime song." It is only fair to say that
+Mr. SMILLIE had no idea that his innocent little manoeuvre would
+lead to this.
+
+* * *
+
+The Admiralty does not propose to publish an official account of the
+Battle of Jutland. Indeed the impression is gaining ground that this
+battle will have to be cancelled.
+
+* * *
+
+We are asked to deny that, following upon the publication of _Mirrors
+of Downing Street_, by "A Gentleman with a Duster," Lord KENYON is
+about to dedicate to Sir CLAUDE CHAMPION DE CRESPIGNY a book entitled
+_A Peer with a Knuckle-Duster_.
+
+* * *
+
+"Mr. Lloyd George seems to have had his hair 'bobbed' recently," says
+a gossip-writer in a Sunday paper. Mr. HODGES still sticks to the
+impression that it was really two-bobbed.
+
+* * *
+
+"Cigars discovered in the possession of Edward Fischer, in New York,"
+says a news item, "were found to contain only tobacco." Very rarely do
+we come across a case like that in England.
+
+* * *
+
+"Water," says a member of the L.C.C., "is being sold at a loss." But
+not in our whisky, we regret to say.
+
+* * *
+
+What is claimed to be the largest shell ever made has been turned out
+by the Hecla Works, Sheffield. It may shortly be measured for a war to
+fit it.
+
+* * *
+
+A taxi-driver who knocked a man down in Gracechurch Street has
+summoned him for using abusive language. It seems a pity that
+pedestrians cannot be knocked down without showing their temper like
+this.
+
+* * *
+
+After months of experiment at Thames Ditton the question of an
+artificial limb of light metal has been solved. It is said to be just
+the thing for Tube-travellers to carry as a spare.
+
+* * *
+
+In connection with Mr. PRINGLE'S recent visit to Ireland we are asked
+to say that he was not sent there as a reprisal.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE LANSBURY recently told a Poplar audience why he went to
+Australia many years ago. No explanation was offered of his return.
+
+* * *
+
+A coal-porter summoned for income-tax at West Ham Police Court said
+that his wages averaged eight hundred pounds a year. We think it only
+fair to say that there must be labouring men here and there who earn
+even less than that.
+
+* * *
+
+"The thief," says a weekly paper report, "entered the house by way of
+the front-door." We can only suppose that the burglars' entrance was
+locked at the time.
+
+* * *
+
+A small boy, born in a Turkish harem, is said to have forty-eight
+step-mothers living. Our office-boy, however, is still undefeated in
+the matter of recently defunct grandmothers.
+
+* * *
+
+The number of accidental deaths in France is attaining alarming
+proportions. It is certainly time that a stop was put to the quaint
+custom of duelling.
+
+* * *
+
+A rat that looks like a kangaroo and barks like a prairie dog is
+reported in Texas, says _The Columbia Record_. We can only say that,
+when we last heard that one, it was an elephant with white trunk and
+pink eyes.
+
+* * *
+
+"Why do leaders of the Bar wear such ill-fitting clothes?" asks a
+contemporary. A sly dig, we presume, at their brief bags.
+
+* * *
+
+A reduction in prices is what every housewife in the land is looking
+for, says _The Daily Express_. It is not known how our contemporary
+got hold of this idea.
+
+* * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that _The Daily Mail_ has offered a
+prize of a hundred pounds to the first person who can prove that it
+has been talking through its prize hat.
+
+* * *
+
+"What should _The Daily Mail_ hat be worn with?" asks an enthusiast.
+"Characteristic modesty" is the right answer.
+
+* * *
+
+Emigrants to Canada, it is stated, now include an increasingly large
+proportion of skilled workers. Fortunately, thanks to the high wages
+they earn at home, we are not losing the services of our skilled
+loafers.
+
+* * *
+
+A burglar who was recently sentenced in the Glasgow Police Court was
+captured while in the act of lowering a chest of drawers out of a
+window with a rope. The old method of taking the house home and
+extracting the furniture at leisure is still considered the safest by
+conservative house-breakers.
+
+* * *
+
+Found under a bed in a strange house at Grimsby, a man told the police
+who arrested him that he was looking for work. It was pointed out to
+him that the usual place for men looking for work is in bed, not under
+it.
+
+* * *
+
+In a recent case a Hull bargee gave his name as ALFAINA SWASH.
+Nevertheless the Court did not decide to hear the rest of his evidence
+_in camera_.
+
+* * *
+
+A cyclist who stopped to watch a stag-hunt near Tivington Cross, in
+Somerset, was tossed into the hedge by the stag. On behalf of the
+beast it is claimed that the cyclist was off-side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SHE DON'T 'ARF SWANK SINCE 'ER FARVER WAS KNOCKED OVER
+BY A ROLLS-ROYCE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Czecho-Slovaks will shortly be able to see the successful
+    play, 'The Right to Stroke.'"--_Evening Paper._
+
+Good news for the local pussies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The first annual dinner of the ---- Club was held in the Club
+    Rooms on Saturday evening, a large number sitting down to an
+    excellent coal collation."--_Local Paper._
+
+Surely a little extravagant in these times.
+
+=THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS GERMAN FRIENDS.=
+
+  "Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel;
+  Defenceless victims ye are, in claws of spite a prey.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done
+  On Satan's chamberlains highseated in Berlin;
+  Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun:
+  Tho' in craven Germany was no man found, not one
+  With spirit enough to cry Shame!--Nay but on such sin
+  Follows Perdition eternal ... and it has begun."
+
+_The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," November 4th, 1918._
+
+    "The letter [of reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., 'to
+    their fellows in Germany'] is written ... with the recognition
+    that we have both of us been provoked to 'animosities' which we
+    desire to put aside ... The commonest objection was that the
+    action was 'premature'--my own feeling being that of shame
+    for having vainly waited so long in deference to political
+    complications, and that shame was intolerably increasing ... It
+    is undiscerning not to see that at a critical moment of extreme
+    tension they [the German Professors] allowed their passion to get
+    the better of them."
+
+    _The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," October 27th, 1920_.
+
+    [The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to
+    do full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's
+    craftsmanship.]
+
+  Such people as lacked the leisure to peruse
+    My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long
+    In _The Times_, may like me, as having the gift of song,
+  To prosodise succinctly my private views.
+
+  Did I cry Shame! in November, 1918,
+    On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell?
+  Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean
+    My soul of a wrong that grew intolerable.
+  What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore,
+    Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds?
+    Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds;
+  We too were vexed and wanted our fellows' gore,
+  Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension
+  Which in our calmer hours we should never mention.
+
+  Dons in their academic ignorance blind,
+    With passions like to our own as pea to pea,
+  Shall we await in them a change of mind?
+    Shall we require a repentant apology?
+  Or in a generous spasm anticipate
+    The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress
+    Of labour involved in planning new frightfulness,
+  They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate?
+
+  Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow
+    "Perdition eternal"; Heaven would make this its care,
+    Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare.
+  Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow,
+  Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence,
+    That a few brief years of Coventry, of denied
+    Communion with Culture--used in the Oxford sense--
+  Are ample for getting our difference rectified.
+
+  What is a Laureate paid for, I ask _The Times_,
+  If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes?
+  I stamp my foot on my wrath's last smouldering ember,
+  And for my motto I take "_Lest we remember_."    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY.=
+
+I let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting on one of
+those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers for persons of
+second quality who are bidden to wait in the hall.
+
+"You want to see me?" I inquired. "Yes; what is it?"
+
+"I have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with your laundry."
+
+"Far from it," I said. "It is kind of you to ask, but why?"
+
+"Because I wish to solicit your custom for the laundry I represent."
+
+"What faults do you specialise in?" I inquired.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Madam?"
+
+"Will you send home my husband's collars with an edge like a
+dissipated saw?"
+
+The young woman's face brightened with comprehension.
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she replied. "We exercise the greatest care with
+gentlemen's stand-up collars."
+
+"Will you shrink my combinations to the size of a doll's?"
+
+An expression of horror invaded her countenance. "The utmost
+precaution," she asserted, "is taken to prevent the shrinkage of
+woollens."
+
+"Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to two hems connected
+by a few stray rags in the middle?"
+
+The young woman was aghast. "All towels are handled as gently as
+possible to avoid tearing," she replied.
+
+"How about handkerchiefs?" I asked. "I dislike to find myself grasping
+my bare nose through a hole in the centre."
+
+The suggestion made my visitor laugh.
+
+"Are you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread, impossible
+to extricate, into conspicuous parts of one's clothing?"
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she asseverated; "no linen is allowed to leave our
+establishment with any disfiguring marks."
+
+"You never, I suppose, return clothing dirtier than when it reached
+you?" I proceeded.
+
+Suppressed scorn that I could believe in such a possibility flashed
+momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an emphatic denial.
+
+"Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging to other people
+while one's own are missing?"
+
+"Never, I can assure you, Madam."
+
+"Does the man who delivers the washing habitually turn the basket
+upside down so that the heavy things below crush all the delicate
+frilly things that ought to be on top?"
+
+She seemed incapable of conceiving that such perverted creatures could
+exist.
+
+"Do they never whistle in an objectionable manner while waiting for
+the soiled clothes?"
+
+"Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madam."
+
+"Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does to me, and
+even more, and when I write to complain they disregard my letters."
+
+"We rarely have complaints, Madam, and all such receive prompt
+attention. I can give references in this street--in this block of
+flats even."
+
+"Well," said I, "if you like to give me a card I am willing to let you
+have a trial."
+
+The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and handed me a card.
+
+"The Superfection Laundry," I read with amazement. "Surely there must
+be some mistake?"
+
+"Are you not Mrs. Fulton?" asked the young woman.
+
+"No, you have come a floor too high. Mrs. Fulton lives in the flat
+below me."
+
+"I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see Mrs. Fulton.
+But all the same may we not add you to the list of our customers?"
+
+"Impossible," I said.
+
+"May I ask your reasons, Madam?"
+
+"Because the laundry I employ at present is the Superfection."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Church Militant in the Near East.=
+
+    "Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30; one of
+    the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some 6 miles
+    to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken by the
+    Cassocks."--_Evening Paper._
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SIGN.]
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Guest (exasperated with waiting)._ "I'VE A GOOD MIND TO DRIVE
+OFF, BUT I'M AFRAID OF HITTING THAT IDIOT IN FRONT."
+
+_The Hostess._ "HIT HIM WHERE YOU LIKE, DEAR--IT'S MY HUSBAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=PROOF POSITIVE.=
+
+This kind of thing had been going on morning after morning until I was
+quite tired.
+
+_They._ You ought to get hold of a good dog.
+
+It is extraordinary how many things one ought to get hold of in the
+country. Sometimes it is a wood-chopper and sometimes a couple of
+hundred cabbages, and sometimes a cartload of manure, and sometimes a
+few good hens. I find this very exhausting to the grip.
+
+_I._ What for?
+
+_They._ To watch your house.
+
+_I._ I do not wish to inflict pain on a good dog. What kind of a dog
+ought it to be?
+
+_They._ Well, a mastiff.
+
+_I._ Isn't that rather a smooth kind of dog? If I have to get hold of
+a dog, I should like one with rather a rougher surface.
+
+_They._ Try an Irish terrier.
+
+_I._ I have. They fight.
+
+_They._ Not unless they're provoked.
+
+_I._ Nobody fights unless he is provoked. But more things provoke an
+Irish terrier than one might imagine. The postman provoked my old one
+so much that it bit the letters out of his hand and ate them.
+
+_They._ Well, you didn't get any bills, then.
+
+_I._ Yes, I did. Bills always came when the dog was away for the
+week-end. He was a great week-ender, and he always came back from
+week-ends with more and more pieces out of his ears until at last they
+were all gone, and he couldn't hear us when we called him.
+
+_They._ Well, there are plenty of other sorts. You might have a Chow
+or an Airedale or a boar-hound.
+
+_I._ Thank you, I do not hunt boars. Besides, all the dogs you mention
+are very expensive nowadays. In the War it was quite different. You
+could collect dogs for practically nothing then. My company used to
+have more than a dozen dogs parading with it every day. They had never
+seen so many men so willing to go for so many long walks before. They
+thought the Millennium had come. A proposal was made that they should
+be taught to form fours and march in the rear. But, like all great
+strategical plans, it was stifled by red tape. After that--
+
+_They._ You are getting away from the point. If you really want a good
+cheap dog--
+
+_I._ Ah, I thought you were coming to that. You know of a good cheap
+dog?
+
+_They._ The gardener of my sister-in-law's aunt has an extremely good
+cheap dog.
+
+_I._ And would it watch my house?
+
+_They._ Most intently.
+
+That is how Trotsky came to us. Nobody but a reckless propagandist
+would say that he is either a mastiff or a boar-hound, though he once
+stopped when we came to a pig. I do not mind that. What I do mind is
+their saying, now that they have palmed him off on me, "I saw you out
+with your what-ever-it-is yesterday," or "I did not know you had taken
+to sheep-breeding," or "What is that thing you have tied up to the
+kennel at the back?" There seems to be something about the animal's
+tail that does not go with its back, or about its legs that does not
+go with its nose, or about its eyes that does not go with its fur. If
+it is fur, that is to say. And the eyes are a different colour and
+seem to squint a little. They say that one of them is a wall-eye. I
+think that is the one he watches the house with. Personally I consider
+that they are very handsome eyes in their own different lines, and my
+opinion is that he is a Mull-terrier; or possibly a Rum. Anyhow he is
+a good dog to get hold of, for he is very curly.
+
+The village policeman came round to the house the other day. I think
+he really came to talk to the cook, but I fell into conversation with
+him.
+
+"You ought to be getting a licence for that dog of yours," he said.
+
+"What dog?" I asked.
+
+"Why, you've got a dog tied up at the back there, haven't you?" he
+said.
+
+"Have I?" said I.
+
+And we went out and looked at it together. Trotsky looked at me with
+one eye and at the policeman with the other, and he wagged his tail.
+At least I am not sure that he wagged it; "shook" would be a better
+word.
+
+"Where did you get it?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, I just got hold of it," I said airily. "It's rather good, don't
+you think?"
+
+He stood for some time in doubt.
+
+"It's a dog," he said at last.
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand.
+
+"You have taken a great load off my mind," I told him. "I will get a
+licence at once."
+
+This will score off them pretty badly.
+
+After all you can't go behind a Government certificate, can you? EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  _Caller._ "IS MRS. JONES AT HOME?"
+  _Cook-General._ "SHE IS, BUT SHE AIN'T 'ARDLY IN A FIT STATE TO SEE
+   ANYBODY. SHE'S JUST BIN GIVIN' ME NOTICE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CRY OF THE ADULT AUTHOR.=
+
+[The "Diarist" of _The Westminster Gazette_, in the issue of October
+25th, utters a poignant _cri de coeur_ over what he regards as one
+of the great tragedies of the time--the crowding-out of the
+"genuine craftsmen" of journalism and letters by Cabinet Ministers,
+notoriety-mongers and, above all, by sloppy infant prodigies.]
+
+  Oh, bitter are the insults
+    And bitter is the shame
+  Heaped on deserving authors
+    Of high and strenuous aim,
+  When all the best booksellers
+    Their shelves and windows cram
+  With novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  In recent Autumn seasons
+    Writers of age mature
+  (From eighteen up to thirty)
+    Of sympathy were sure;
+  _Now_ publishers their portals
+    On everybody slam
+  Save novelists from the nursery
+    And poets from the pram.
+
+  Unfairly WINSTON CHURCHILL
+    Invades the Sunday sheets;
+  Unfairly MRS. ASQUITH
+    With serious scribes competes;
+  But these are minor evils--
+    What makes me cuss and damn
+  Are novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  When on the concert platform
+    The prodigy appears
+  I do not grudge his welcome,
+    The clappings and the cheers;
+  But I can't forgive the people
+    Who down our throats would cram
+  The novelists from the nursery,
+    The poets from the pram.
+
+  I met a (once) best seller,
+    And I took him by the hand,
+  And asked, "How's OPAL WHITELEY
+    And how does DAISY stand?"
+  He answered, "I can only
+    See sloppiness and sham
+  In novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram."
+
+  If I were only despot,
+    To end this painful feud
+  I'd banish straight to Mespot
+    The scribbling infant brood,
+  And bar the importation,
+    By that hustler, Uncle Sam,
+  Of novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of Sir J. FORBES-ROBERTSON'S _debut_:--
+
+    "It was interesting to remember that in the audience on that
+    occasion were Dante, Gabriel, Rossetti and Algernon Charles
+    Swinburne."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The archangel was a great catch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the Royal Cream horses were dispersed from the royal
+    stables, one or two golf clubs made an endeavour to get one of
+    these fine animals, and Ranelagh and Sandy Lodge were fortunate to
+    secure them. The horses look fine on the course behind the mower."
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Shoving, we suppose, for all they are worth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=EUCLID IN REAL LIFE.=
+
+If it was not for the paper-shortage I should at once re-write EUCLID,
+or those parts of him which I understand. The trouble about old EUCLID
+was that he had no soul, and few of his books have that emotional
+appeal for which we look in these days. My aim would be to bring home
+his discoveries to the young by clothing them with human interest;
+and I should at the same time demonstrate to the adult how often they
+might be made practically useful in everyday life. When one thinks
+of the times one draws a straight line at right angles to another
+straight line, and how seldom one does it EUCLID'S way ... every time
+one writes a T....
+
+Well, let us take, for example--
+
+BOOK III., PROPOSITION 1.
+
+PROBLEM.--_To find the centre of a given circle_.
+
+Let ABC be that horrible round bed where you had the geraniums
+last year. This year, I gather, the idea is to have it nothing but
+rose-trees, with a great big fellow in the middle. The question is,
+where is the middle? I mean, if you plant it in a hurry on your own
+judgment, everyone who comes near the house will point out that the
+bed is all cock-eye. Besides, you can see it from the dining-room and
+it will annoy you at breakfast.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--Well, this is how we go about it. First, you draw any
+chord AB in the given bed ABC. You can do that with one of those long
+strings the gardener keeps in his shed, with pegs at the end.
+
+Bisect AB at D.
+
+Now don't look so stupid. We've done that already in Book I., Prop.
+10, you remember, when we bisected the stick of nougat. That's right.
+
+Now from D draw DC at right angles to AB, and meeting the lawn at C.
+You can do that with a hoe.
+
+Produce CD to meet the lawn again at E.
+
+Now we do some more of that bisecting; this time we bisect EC at F.
+
+Then F shall be the middle of the bed; and that's where your rose-tree
+is going.
+
+PROOF???--Well, I mean, if F be _not_ the centre let some point
+G, outside the line CE, be the centre and put the confounded tree
+_there_. And, what's more, you can jolly well join GA, GD and GB, and
+see what that looks like.
+
+Just cast your eye over the two triangles GDA and GDB.
+
+Don't you see that DA is equal to DB (unless, of course, you've
+bisected that chord all wrong), and DG is common, and GA is equal to
+GB--at least according to your absurd theory about G it is, since they
+must be both _radii_. _Radii_ indeed! _Look_ at them. Ha, ha!
+
+Therefore, you fool, the angle GDA is equal to the angle GDB.
+
+Therefore they are both right angles.
+
+Therefore the angle GDA is a right angle. (I know you think I'm
+repeating myself, but you'll see what I'm getting at in a minute.)
+
+_Therefore_--and this is the cream of the joke--therefore--really, I
+can't help laughing--therefore _the angle CDA is equal to the angle
+GDA!_ That is, the part is equal to the whole--which is ridiculous.
+
+I mean, it's too _laughable_.
+
+So, you see, your rose-tree is not in the middle at all.
+
+In the same way you can go on planting the old tree all over the
+bed--anywhere you like. In every case you'll get those right angles in
+the same ridiculous position--why, it makes me laugh _now_ to think of
+it--and you'll be brought back to dear old CE.
+
+And, of course, any point in CE _except_ F would divide CE unequally,
+which I notice now is just what you've done yourself; so F is wrong
+too.
+
+But you see the idea?
+
+What a mess you've made of the bed!
+
+BOOK I., PROPOSITION 20.
+
+THEOREM.--_Any two sides of a triangle are together greater than the
+third side_.
+
+Let ABC be a triangle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--You know the eleventh hole? Well, let B be the tee,
+and let C be the green, and let BC be my drive. Yes, _mine_. Is it
+dead? Yes.
+
+Now let BA be _your_ drive. I'm afraid you've pulled it a bit and gone
+into the road by the farm.
+
+You can't get on to the green by the direct route AC because you're
+under the wall. You'll have to play further up the road till you get
+opposite that gap at D. It's a pity, because you'll have to play about
+the same distance, only in the wrong direction.
+
+Take your niblick, then, and play your second, making AD equal to AC.
+Now join CD.
+
+I mean, put your third on the green. You can do that, _surely_? Good.
+
+PROOF.--There, I'm down in two. But we won't rub it in. Do you notice
+anything odd about these triangles? No? Well, the fact is that AD is
+equal to AC, and the result of that is that the angle ACD is equal to
+the angle ADC. That's Prop. 5. Anyhow, it's obvious, isn't it?
+
+But steady on. The angle BCD is greater than its part, the angle
+ACD--you must admit that? (Look out, there's a fellow going to drive.)
+
+And therefore the angle BCD--Oh, well, I can't go into it all now or
+it will mean we shall have to let these people through; but if you
+carry on on those lines you'll find that BD is greater than BC.
+
+I mean you've only got to go back to where you played your third and
+you'll see that it _must_ be so, won't you? Very well, then, don't
+argue.
+
+But BD is equal to BA and AC, for AD is equal to AC; it _had_ to be,
+you remember.
+
+Therefore--now follow this closely--the two sides BA and AC are
+together greater than the third side BC.
+
+That means, you see, that by pulling your drive out to the left there
+you gave yourself a lot of extra distance to cover.
+
+You'd never have guessed that, would you? But old EUCLID did.
+
+Come along, then; they're putting. You must be more careful at this
+hole.
+
+I think it's that right shoulder of yours ...
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Our Candid Candidates.=
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "Should I get returned as your representative you will have no
+    cause for regret when my term of office expires."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The strike of the mechanical staff of the 'Karachi Daily Gazette'
+    has ended."
+
+    _Evening Paper_.
+
+We wondered why everybody looked so pleased in London that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Since her treatment with the monkey gland Miss Ediss has received
+    enough complimentary nuts to stock a market garden. An ornate
+    basket of monkey nuts fills a prominent place in her room, and
+    two cocoanuts tied up with coloured ribbon strike the eye of the
+    visitor."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+In that case we shall postpone our intended visit until Miss EDISS is
+herself again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =MANNERS AND MODES.=
+
+NOW THAT MEN'S ATTIRE IS SO COSTLY WHY NOT TAKE A LEAF FROM THE
+LADIES' BOOK OF FASHION AND LET THE TAILORS HAVE DRESS PARADES OF THE
+LATEST DESIGNS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CULT OF FACE-READING.
+
+'_Erb_ (_a cinema habitue_). "SEE WOT 'E'S SAYING, EM'LY? '_E'S STILL
+AT THE OFFICE AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GET 'OME TO DINNER_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CONSPIRATORS.=
+
+VI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--I was talking to the Editor the other day about this
+correspondence of ours which we are conducting in the public Press,
+thus saving the twopenny stamps and avoiding the increased cost of
+living which is hitting everyone else so hard.
+
+"This ought to be put a stop to," said he.
+
+"That is just what I have been saying since 1918," I replied; "but the
+question is what to do about it? When you get down to it, the word
+'Bolshevist' is but the Russian for 'advanced Socialist,' and there is
+nothing to prevent Socialists, whether they be advanced or retarded.
+How then are you going to put a stop to Bolshevism?"
+
+"I was thinking of the correspondence," the Editor replied.
+
+So I stopped talking to him and sat down to write my last letter to
+you on the subject.
+
+To resume: In the summer of 1918 the German War Lords began to have
+their doubts of a Pax Germanica and saw signs rather of a Wash-out
+Germanicum. Things looked ill with them, so they consulted their
+doctor, a certain person who called himself "Dr. Help-us" by way of a
+jest. He proved more successful as a business man, however, than he
+was as a humourist. He advised that the "War of World Conquest" was
+not likely to produce a dividend, because its name was against it.
+Cut out "Imperialism"; substitute another word, with just as many
+syllables and no less an imposing sound, "Proletariat"; call the thing
+"Class Warfare"; advertise it thoroughly and attract to it all the
+political egoists of disappointed ambition in the various countries of
+the enemy, and the German War Lords would find it no longer necessary
+to crush all existing nations, since all existing nations would then
+set about to crush themselves.
+
+The idea was voted excellent, and the trial run in Russia gave
+complete satisfaction.
+
+But not all countries were so immediately susceptible to the idea of
+a World Revolution. Victory hath its charms and does not predispose a
+people to complain; so where the Masses (invested with a capital "M"
+to flatter their vanity and secure their goodwill) were victorious and
+content they were to be made to believe by advertisement that with
+a little trouble they could become even more victorious and more
+content. The KAISER and Imperialism had been disposed of; it only
+remained to get rid of Capitalism and Charles. The subterranean
+campaign was developed, and that is what our conspirators have since
+been so brisk and busy about.
+
+That was the programme; but it is a programme which required money.
+And so at last to the Chinese Bonds.
+
+Oh, those Chinese Bonds! How some people abroad have learned to curse
+the very mention of them these last many months! I don't know where
+that tiresome man, LITVINOFF, first got them from, but my poor
+friends, whose business all this is, were running after them at least
+ten months ago. Sometimes they were in Russia, sometimes they showed
+up in Denmark, sometimes they got scent of them in Germany, and I am
+told it is the merest fluke that the Bonds did not come to Switzerland
+for the winter sports. And wherever they turned up they were always
+just on their way to England; either they had a poor sense of
+direction or, being bad sailors, were afraid of the crossing. There
+was never any knowing in what corner of the earth they would next be
+appearing; in fact the only country which those Chinese Bonds seemed
+to have successfully avoided was China.
+
+The first time we heard of them, I will admit that we were thrilled.
+They gave a touch of reality to an otherwise over-hairy and
+unconvincing narrative of conspiracy. The second time we were told of
+them we were pleasurably moved. So it was true, after all, about those
+Chinese Bonds?
+
+The third time we heard of them we were satisfied; the fourth time we
+heard of them we were indifferent; the fifth time bored, the sixth
+time irritated, the seventh time infuriated, and the eighth time
+we said to our informant, "Now look you here. We appreciate the
+excitement of your mysterious presence and the soothing effects of
+your hushed voice, and as long as you care to go on revealing your
+secrets we will listen. You may speak of finance and you may even
+touch upon British bank-notes forged by the Soviets; you may go so far
+as to divulge some new forms of script involved, getting as near as
+even, say, Japanese Debentures; but if you so much as mention China or
+its Bonds to us again we will wrap you up in a parcel and post you
+to Moscow with a personal note of warning to LENIN as to your inner
+knowledge and the dangerous publicity you are giving it."
+
+For ourselves we wrote many a learned treatise on the subject and sent
+many a thousand memos home to those authorities near to whose hearts
+the welfare of those Bonds should be. And after many months of this
+correspondence someone in the what-d'you-call-it office suddenly
+sat up and took notice and wrote to us as follows: "His Majesty's
+Principal Secretary of State for Thingummy has the honour to inform
+you that rumours have reached his ears concerning the existence of
+certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese, in the hands of Bolshevist
+agitators coming or intending to come to this country. You are
+requested to ascertain and report what, if anything, is known of these
+Chinese Bonds."
+
+I could have made a story for you of the uses to which the Bonds were
+put in other countries and newspapers as well as your own. But that
+painfully honest journal, _The Daily Herald_, has anticipated me.
+And anything more you want to know about the conspiracies or the
+conspirators you may now, as I judge from reading your Press,
+experience for yourself. So upon that these letters may end. I would
+like to have concluded by a protestation that, in making these frank
+statements as to the working of, and against, the Conspirators, I
+personally draw no pecuniary benefit of any sort, not a sovereign,
+not a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is perhaps better, however, to
+anticipate discovery by owning up to the fact that my frankness is
+being paid for at so many pence per line.
+
+  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+(_Concluded_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Party_. "ARE YOU SURE THAT LOBSTER'S ALL
+RIGHT?"
+
+_Fishmonger_ (_on his dignity_). "QUITE RIGHT, SIR. IF IT ISN'T WE
+SHALL BE HERE TO-MORROW."
+
+_Nervous Party_. "YES--BUT SHALL _I_ BE HERE TO-MORROW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A PROFESSOR OF TANGO:
+
+"_Nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAGE.
+
+He stood in the packed building, a small lonely figure, pathetic in
+the isolation that shut him off from the warm humanity of the watching
+crowd.
+
+He felt weak, ill, but he struggled to bear himself bravely. He could
+not move his eyes from the stern white face that seemed to fill all
+the space in front of him. About that cold minatory figure, which was
+speaking to him in such passionless even tones, clung an atmosphere of
+awe; the traditional robes of office lent it a majesty that crushed
+his will.
+
+He knew he was being addressed, and he strove to listen. His brain was
+a torrent of thoughts. And so his life had come to this. It was indeed
+the final catastrophe. That was surely what the voice meant--that
+voice which went on and on in an even stream of sound without meaning.
+Why had he come to this--in the flower of his life to lose its
+chiefest gift, Liberty?
+
+Up and down the spaces of his brain thought sped like fire. The people
+behind--did they care? A few perhaps pitied him. The others were
+indifferent. To them it was merely a spectacle.
+
+Suddenly into his mind crept the consciousness of a vast silence. The
+voice had stopped. The abrupt cessation of sound whipped his quivering
+nerves. It was like the holding of a great breath.
+
+He gathered his forces. He knew that the huge concourse waited. A
+question had been put to him. It seemed as if the world stood still to
+listen.
+
+He moistened his lips. He knew what he had meant to say, but his
+tongue was a traitor to his desire. What use now to plead? The
+soundlessness grew intolerable. He thought he should cry aloud.
+
+And then--
+
+"I will," he said, and, looking sideways, caught the swift shy glance
+of his bride.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Master Plumber_. "I'VE NEVER SEED A BLOKE TAKE SO
+LONG OVER A JOB IN ALL ME LIFE. THAT LAD'LL GO FAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.=
+
+  THE SPONGE.
+
+  The sponge is not, as you suppose,
+  A funny kind of weed;
+  He lives below the deep blue sea,
+  An animal, like you and me,
+  Though not so good a breed.
+
+  And when the sponges go to sleep
+  The fearless diver dives;
+  He prongs them with a cruel prong,
+  And, what I think is rather wrong,
+  He also prongs their wives.
+
+  For I expect they love their wives
+  And sing them little songs,
+  And though, of course, they have no heart
+  It hurts them when they're forced to part--
+  Especially with prongs.
+
+  I know you'd rather not believe
+  Such dreadful things are done;
+  Alas, alas, it is the case;
+  And every time you wash your face
+  You use a skeleton.
+
+  And that round hole in which you put
+  Your finger and your thumb,
+  And tear the nice new sponge in two,
+  As I have told you _not_ to do,
+  Was once his _osculum_.
+
+  So that is why I seldom wash,
+  However black I am,
+  But use my flannel if I must,
+  Though even that, to be quite just,
+  Was once a little lamb.       A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK.=
+
+We understand that an expedition will shortly leave the United States
+for Central Asia in search of the Missing Link. "Aeroplanes, motor
+cars, camels, mules and all means of locomotion found suitable will
+be used by the anthropologists, archaeologists and other scientists"
+taking part.
+
+We predict that an enterprise so opposed to all the traditions of
+exploration is doomed to failure. We cannot doubt that the Missing
+Link possesses a sense of smell keen enough to detect a camel or a
+Ford car while yet afar off. His regrettable elusiveness is more
+likely to be established than overcome when he beholds mules and
+anthropologists, attended by aeroplanes and motor-cars, and possibly
+whippet-tanks, motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even if there are
+only nine or ten of each variety it will be enough to ensure that the
+adventurers miss the Link after all.
+
+Another aspect of the expedition should be borne in mind. The progress
+through the jungle of such vehicles and personnel would cause
+something like consternation among the larger fauna, whose limited
+intelligence might reasonably fail to distinguish the procession from
+a travelling menagerie. In these days of unrest is it right, is
+it expedient, thus to stir up species hatred? It would be indeed
+deplorable if the present quest were to be followed by a search party
+got up to trace the missing Missing Link expedition.
+
+Surely the old methods of the explorer are still the best. Simply
+equipped with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet, let him plunge into
+the bush and be lost to sight for a few years. Whereas the Missing
+Link may be relied on to remain resolutely beneath his rock at the
+sight of a sort of a Lord Mayor's Show wandering among the vegetation,
+the spectacle of a simple-looking traveller in the midst of the lonely
+forest would rather encourage the creature to emerge from its place of
+retreat.
+
+Then nothing would remain but for the explorer to advance with
+out-stretched hand (preferably the left), and exclaim, "The Missing
+Link, I presume?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CLOSE CORPORATION.
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN (_unemployed_). "IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY
+DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON?"
+
+TRADE UNION OFFICIAL. "MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND
+YEARS OF APPRENTICESHIP."
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN. "SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR
+WHEN THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, October 25th_.--Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME, the newest recruit
+on the Treasury Bench, already answers Questions with all the
+assurance of the other LLOYD G. His readiness in referring the
+inquisitive to other Departments and in declining to go beyond
+his brief--witness his modest refusal to discuss in reply to a
+Supplementary Question the possibility of imposing a tariff in this
+country--suggests that somewhere behind the SPEAKER'S chair there must
+be a school for Under-Secretaries where the callow back-bencher is
+instructed in the arts and crafts required in the seats of the mighty.
+
+For this purpose I can imagine no better instructor than the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who combines scrupulous politeness with an icy
+precision of language. Take, for example, his treatment of Mr.
+PEMBERTON BILLING'S defiant inquiry if it would now be "compatible
+with the dignity of the Government" to say that there had never been
+any intention to bring the War-criminals to trial. "No," replied Sir
+GORDON HEWART in his most pedagogic manner, "it cannot be compatible
+with anyone's dignity to make a statement which is manifestly untrue."
+
+[Illustration: A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT.
+
+Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME.
+
+_Parliamentary Secretary to the Board of Trade._]
+
+This week was to have been devoted, _de die in diem_, to getting on
+with the Government of Ireland Bill. But the malignant sprite that has
+hitherto foiled every effort to pacify Ireland again intervened, and
+the House found itself called upon to discuss the Emergency Powers
+Bill. The measure is a peace-time successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the
+opinion of the Government is getting a little _passee_) and, perhaps
+naturally, met with little approval. Mr. ASQUITH, while admitting
+that something of the kind might be required, took exception to the
+vagueness of its drafting. "What is 'substantial'?" he inquired.
+"Ask them another!" Mr. WILL THORNE joyfully interjected. "What is
+'substantial'?" repeated the EX-PREMIER; whereupon the Coalition with
+one voice replied, "WILL THORNE."
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING "SUBSTANTIAL." Mr. WILL THORNE.]
+
+With consummate skill the PRIME MINISTER managed to get the House out
+of its hostile mood and to satisfy the majority, at any rate, that
+the measure was neither provocative nor inopportune, but a necessary
+precaution against the possibility that "direct action" on the part
+of extra-Parliamentary bodies might confront the country with the
+alternatives of starvation or surrender.
+
+_Tuesday, October 26th_.--In these troublous times the House gladly
+seizes the smallest occasion for merriment. There was great laughter
+when Colonel YATE, the politest of men, inadvertently referred to Sir
+ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON as "the right honourable gent," and it broke
+forth again when, in his anxiety to make no further slip, he addressed
+him _tout court_ as "the right honourable."
+
+There are some fifty thousand British soldiers in Ireland, costing
+over a million pounds a month. But Mr. CHURCHILL took the cheery view
+that after all they had to be somewhere, and would cost nearly as much
+even in Great Britain.
+
+They would cost a good deal more in Mesopotamia, where we have a
+hundred thousand troops (British and Indian), and the cost is two
+and a half millions a month. Sir WILLIAM JOYNSON-HICKS could not
+understand why we should spend all this money "merely to hand the
+country back to the rebels." Mr. CHURCHILL said he had heard nothing
+about handing the country back to the rebels; from which it may be
+inferred either that he is not admitted into all the secrets of the
+Cabinet or that he draws a distinction between "rebels" and "persons
+who object to British rule."
+
+The Press campaign in favour of a nickel three-halfpenny coin has not
+succeeded. In Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S opinion it would not be a coin of
+vantage. Among his objections to it may be the extreme probability
+that the present Administration would promptly be nicknamed (I will
+not say nickel-named) "the Three-half-penny Government."
+
+Owing to a number of concessions announced by the HOME SECRETARY the
+Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly smooth passage through Committee.
+Objections were still raised to making an Emergency Act permanent--it
+_does_ sound rather like a contradiction in terms--but the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL skilfully countered them by pointing out that it was
+only the framework of the machinery, not the regulations, that would
+be permanent. One can imagine the bold bad baron who set up a gallows
+to overawe his villeins comforting objectors with the remark that
+after all it was merely a framework--quite useless without a rope.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOLD BAD BARON.
+
+_Sir Gordon Hewart_. "MERELY A FRAMEWORK--QUITE USELESS WITHOUT A
+ROPE."]
+
+_Wednesday, October 27th_.--Much pother in the Lords because the FIRST
+COMMISSIONER OF WORKS had set up a Committee to advise him with regard
+to the preservation of ancient monuments, including cathedrals and
+churches, without first consulting the ecclesiastical authorities.
+Lord PARMOOR moved a condemnatory resolution, and His Grace of
+CANTERBURY, after renouncing Sir ALFRED MOND and all his works,
+declared that, so far as religious edifices were concerned, the
+proposed Committee was a superfluity of naughtiness with which he
+personally would have nothing to do. Lord LYTTON, with that delightful
+free-and-easiness which characterises the attitude of our present
+Ministers towards their colleagues, observed that he could have
+sympathised with the objectors if it were really intended to place
+cathedrals under Sir ALFRED'S care; but it wasn't;--so why all this
+fuss? Lord CRAWFORD, while sharing the Opposition's dislike of
+restorers, from VIOLLET-LE-DUC to the late Lord GRIMTHORPE, could
+not admit that in this matter the Office of Works had been guilty of
+anything worse than a want of tact. Lord PARMOOR insisted on going
+to a division, and carried his motion by 27 to 17. Despite this
+shattering blow the Government is said to be going on as well as can
+be expected.
+
+[Illustration: A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH.]
+
+What happened at Jutland? After four years' cogitation the Admiralty
+does not appear to have emerged from the state of uncertainty into
+which it was plunged by the first news of the battle. In February
+last Mr. LONG announced that the official report would be published
+"shortly," but then the German sailors began to publish _their_
+stories, and these not very unnaturally differed from the British
+accounts. So now My Lords have decided to leave Sir JULIAN CORBETT'S
+_Naval History of the War_ to unravel the tangle and inform Lords
+JELLICOE and BEATTY (who, according to Sir JAMES CRAIG, are quite
+agreeable to the proposal) exactly what they and their gallant seamen
+really did on that famous occasion.
+
+_Thursday, October 28th_.--There being no Labour Party in the House
+of Lords the Emergency Powers Bill passed through all its stages in
+a single sitting. Even Lord CREWE did not challenge its necessity in
+these troublous times, but Lord ASKWITH was a little alarmed at the
+possibility that "an unreasoning Home Secretary"--as if there could
+ever be such a monster!--might be over-hasty to issue Orders in
+Council, and so exacerbate an industrial dispute.
+
+A long list of "reprisal" Questions--mercifully curtailed by the
+time-limit--was chiefly remarkable for Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD'S emphatic
+declaration that he was not going to accept the statements even of
+English newspaper correspondents against the reports of officials "for
+whom I am responsible and in whom I have confidence."
+
+Assuming that the House of Commons is, as it ought to be, a microcosm
+of the population, it will be some time before this country goes
+"dry." Members of all parties pressed upon the PRIME MINISTER the
+necessity of relaxing the regulations of the Liquor Control Board.
+His suggestion that an informal Committee should be set up to make
+recommendations to the Government was received with cheers, and there
+was much amusement when Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Lady ASTOR, who do not,
+I gather, quite see eye to eye on this subject, promptly nominated
+themselves for membership.
+
+As the PRIME MINISTER is popularly supposed to be not averse from
+appearing in the limelight, especially when there is good news to
+impart, it is pleasant to record that he left to Sir ROBERT HORNE the
+congenial task of announcing that an agreement had been reached with
+the Miners' Federation, and that the coal-strike was on the high road
+to settlement. The terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfactory to
+all parties, and the only mystery is why the negotiators should have
+required the stimulus of a strike before they could arrive at them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOWNING OF THE PEN.
+
+A little difference of opinion on the moral aspect of strikes which
+has been ventilated in _The Daily News_ has caused one correspondent
+to write: "Let us suppose that Mr. SILAS HOCKING regards the serial
+rights of one of his novels as worth L250. Suppose I offer him L100.
+What does he do? He withholds his labour; and quite right too!"
+
+But does this analogy go far enough? It would be a simple matter, for
+which we might easily console ourselves, if the author in question
+merely withheld his own labour. But if he followed modern strike
+tactics he would do more.
+
+Calling in aid the services of his brother JOSEPH, he would endeavour
+by peaceful persuasion to induce Mrs. ASQUITH, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT,
+Mrs. ELINOR GLYN, Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE and others to withhold their
+labour also. Picketing would follow, and London would be stirred to
+its depths by the news that Sir HALL CAINE was on duty outside the
+establishment of _The Sunday Pictorial_, and that Miss ETHEL M. DELL
+was in charge of the squad on the doorstep of the Amalgamated Press.
+
+Sympathetic strikes would develope. The newspaper-vendors would rise
+and demand that _The Daily Mirror_ feuilleton be suppressed, thus
+plunging the country into an agony of suspense, and railwaymen would
+cease work at the sight of any passenger immersed in the most recent
+instalment of the _Home Bits_ serial story.
+
+Mr. W. W. JACOBS would address mass meetings at the Docks, and Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC would embark on a resolute thirst-strike. At the same
+time daily newspapers would compete in offering solutions of the
+problem. One would say, "For goodness' sake give him the extra paltry
+one hundred and fifty pounds and let the country get on with its
+work;" and another would suggest a compromise at one hundred-and-fifty
+guineas, conditional upon the author's output.
+
+Far from the simple withholding of his labour by a single novelist,
+such a turmoil would ensue as would not only shake our intellectual
+life to its foundations, but would keep the PRIME MINISTER engaged in
+the exploration of interminable vistas of avenue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Mixed Education.=
+
+    "Formerly a student at Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford, her husband is
+    a Fellow of Balliol College."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Prospective Sitter_ (_with unconventional past_). "I
+ALWAYS THINK YOU GET SUCH WONDERFUL CHARACTER INTO YOUR PORTRAITS."
+
+_Artist_. "GLAD TO HEAR THAT. I ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE MY SUBJECTS'
+PORTRAITS A MIRROR OF THEIR PAST LIVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUBSTITUTE.=
+
+[Sweets are replacing alcohol.--_Vide Papers passim_.]
+
+  As more and more the god of wine
+    Grows faint from want of tippling,
+  Nor round his path the roses shine,
+    Nor purple streams are rippling;
+      As usquebaugh and malt and hops
+        No longer much entice us,
+      We crown anew with lollipops,
+      With peppermints, with acid drops,
+        The nobler Dionysus.
+
+  Bright coloured as his orient car,
+    Piled high with autumn splendours,
+  The pageants of the sweetstuffs are
+    At all the pastry-vendors;
+      From earliest flush of dawn till eight
+        The Maenad nymphs in masses,
+      With lions' help upbear the freight
+      Of marzipan and chocolate
+        And stickjaw and molasses.
+
+  The poet from whose lips of flame
+    Wine drew the songs, the full sighs,
+  Performs the business just the same
+    When masticating bull's-eyes;
+      The knight who bids a fond "Farewell,
+        Love's large, but honour's larger!"
+      Shares with the Lady Amabel
+      One last delicious caramel
+        And leaps upon his charger.
+
+  The rake inured to card-room traps,
+    Yet making fearful faces
+  Because his foes, perfidious chaps,
+    Have always all the aces--
+      "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!"
+        (The guttering candles quiver)--
+      Instead of draining brandy raw
+      Clenches a jujube in his jaw
+        And strolls towards the river.
+
+  O happier time that soothes the brain
+    And rids us of our glum fits
+  (Eliminating dry champagne)
+    With candy and with comfits!
+      The oak reflects the firelight's beam,
+        In song the moments fly by,
+      Till the old squire, his face agleam,
+      Sucking the last assorted cream,
+        Toddles away to bye-bye.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a P.S.A. notice:--
+
+    "Subject: 'A RENEWED WORLD--No Sorrow. No Pain. No Death.' No
+    Collection."--_Local Paper._
+
+The last item sounds almost too good to be true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the
+    England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited
+    Australia."--_Expensive Daily Paper._
+
+Hitherto it had been supposed that these cheerful little creatures
+only sought the kind of "ashes" that you get on the domestic hearth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WE AIN'T A BIT AFRAID, ALFY 'IGGINS. YER OWN FICE IS A
+LUMP UGLIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=A STRIKE IN FAIRYLAND.=
+
+The fairies were holding a meeting.
+
+"They grumble when we send the rain," said a Rain-fairy, "and they
+grumble when we don't."
+
+"And we get no thanks," sighed a Flower-fairy. "The time we spend
+getting the flowers ready and washing their faces and folding them up
+every night!"
+
+"As for the stars," said a Star-fairy, "we might just as well leave
+them unlit for all the gratitude we get, and it's such a rush
+sometimes to get all over the sky in time. They don't even believe in
+us. We wouldn't mind _anything_ if they believed in us."
+
+"No," agreed a Rainbow-fairy, "that's true. I take such a lot of
+trouble to get just the right colours, and it has to be done so
+quickly. But I wouldn't mind if they believed in us."
+
+"I wonder what _they_'d do," said the Queen, "if no one believed in
+them?"
+
+"They'd go on strike," said the Brown Owl (he was head of the Ministry
+of Wisdom). "They always go on strike if they don't like anything."
+
+"Then we'll go on strike," said the Queen with great determination.
+
+They all cheered, except the Flower-fairies.
+
+"But the flowers," they said, "they'll get so dusty with no one to
+wash them, and so tired with no one to fold them up at nights."
+
+"I hadn't thought of that," said the Queen. "When _they_ go on
+strike," she said to the Brown Owl, "how do things get done?"
+
+The Brown Owl considered for a moment and everyone waited in silence.
+
+"Of course there are sometimes blacklegs," he began.
+
+"I don't know what blacklegs are," said the Queen cheerfully, "but
+we'll appoint some." And she did.
+
+"Is that all?" said the Queen.
+
+"Someone ought to have a sympathetic strike with us," said the Brown
+Owl. "_They_ always do that."
+
+So a fairy was sent off to the Court of the Birds to request a
+sympathetic strike.
+
+"Is _that_ all?" said the Queen.
+
+"You ought to _talk_ more," said the Brown Owl. "_They_ talk ever so
+much."
+
+"Yes, but they can't help it, can they?" said the Queen kindly.
+
+And so the strike began that evening.
+
+None of the birds sang except one little blackleg Robin, who sang so
+hard in his efforts to make up for the rest that he was as hoarse as a
+crow the next morning. The blackleg fairies had a hard time too. They
+hadn't a minute to gossip with the flowers, as they usually did when
+they flew round with their acorn-cups of dew and thistledown sponges
+and washed their faces and folded up their petals and kissed them
+good-night.
+
+"But what's the matter?" said the flowers sleepily.
+
+"We're on strike," said one of the other fairies importantly "not for
+ourselves, but for posterity."
+
+The Brown Owl had heard _them_ say that.
+
+Meanwhile the rest of the fairies sat silent and rather mournful,
+awaiting developments.
+
+Then a Thought-fairy flew in. Thought-fairies can see into your heart
+and know just what you think. They get terrible shocks sometimes.
+
+"I've been all over the world," she said breathlessly, "and it's much
+better than you think. _All_ little girls believe in us and--" She
+paused dramatically.
+
+"Yes?" they said eagerly.
+
+"All fathers of little girls believe in us."
+
+The Queen shook her head.
+
+"They only pretend," she said.
+
+"No, that's just it," said the Thought-fairy. "They _pretend_ to
+pretend. They never tell anyone, but they really believe."
+
+"Then we'll end the strike," said the Queen.
+
+Here the Brown Owl bustled in, carrying a little note-book.
+
+"I've found out lots more," he said excitedly. "We must have an
+executive and delegates and a ballot and a union and a Sankey
+Commission report and a scale of the cost of living and a datum line
+and--"
+
+"But the strike's over," said the Queen. "It was a misunderstanding."
+
+"Of course," he said huffily. "All strikes are that, but it's correct
+to carry them on as long as possible."
+
+"And the blacklegs are to have a special reward."
+
+"That's illogical," muttered the Brown Owl.
+
+He was right, of course, but things _are_ illogical in Fairyland.
+That's the nicest part of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Salesman_. "IT IS POSSIBLE THAT IT MAY INTEREST YOU
+TO KNOW THAT OUR CAR WAS DRIVEN UP ALL THE FLIGHTS OF STEPS AT THE
+CRYSTAL PALACE."
+
+_Inquiring Visitor_. "WELL--ER--NOT MUCH. YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A
+BUNGALOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fears are entertained that the chalice, which is of silver-gilt,
+    may have been broken up and investments profaned."--_Daily
+    Herald._
+
+We should have thought that our Communistic contemporary was the last
+paper that would have considered investments sacred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "K. T. B---- and T. W. H----, both of Liverpool, who were in
+    company with Mr. L---- in the car, agreed that the speed was about
+    fifty-one miles an hour. On the gradient and at the turn it was
+    not safe to travel faster."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+One of those examples of "Safety First" which we are always pleased to
+chronicle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  =THE OPENING RUN.=
+
+  The rain-sodden grass in the ditches is dying;
+    The berries are red to the crest of the thorn;
+  Coronet-deep where the beech-leaves are lying
+    The hunters stand tense to the twang of the horn;
+  Where rides are refilled with the green of the mosses,
+    All foam-flecked and fretful their long line is strung;
+  You can see the white gleam as a starred forehead tosses,
+    You can hear the low chink as a bit-bar is flung.
+
+  The world's full of music. Hounds rustle the rover
+    Through brushwood and fern to a glad "Gone away!"
+  With a "Come along, Pilot!"--one spur-touch and over--
+    The huntsman is clear on his galloping grey;
+  Before him the pack's running straight on the stubble--
+    "_Toot-toot-too-too-too-oot!_" "_Tow-row-ow-ow-ow!_"
+  The leaders are clambering up through the double
+    And glittering away on the brown of the plough.
+
+  The front rank, hands down, have the big fence's measure;
+    The faint-hearts are craning to left and to right;
+  The Master goes through with a crash on "The Treasure;"
+    The grey takes the lot like a gull in his flight;
+  There's a brown crumpled up, lying still as a dead one;
+    There's a roan mare refusing, as stubborn as sin;
+  While the breaker flogs up on a green underbred one
+    And smashes the far-away rail with a grin.
+
+  The chase carries on over hilltop and hollow,
+    The life of Old England, the pluck and the fun;
+  And who would ask more than a stiff line to follow
+    With hounds running hard in the Opening Run?
+
+  W. H. O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN PRAISE OF THE PELICANS.
+
+  The pelicans in St. James's Park
+  On every day from dawn to dark
+  Pursue, inscrutable of mien,
+  A fixed unvarying routine.
+  Whatever be the wind or weather
+  They spend their time in peace together,
+  And plainly nothing can upset
+  The harmony of their quartet.
+
+  Most punctually by the clock
+  They roost upon or quit their rock,
+  Or swim ashore and hold their levee,
+  Lords of the mixed lacustrine bevy;
+  Or with their slow unwieldy gait
+  Their green domain perambulate,
+  Or with prodigious flaps and prances
+  Indulge in their peculiar dances,
+  Returning to their feeding-ground
+  What time the keeper goes his round
+  With fish and scraps for their nutrition
+  After laborious deglutition.
+
+  Calm, self-sufficing, self-possessed,
+  They never mingle with the rest,
+  Watching with not unfriendly eye
+  The antics of the lesser fry,
+  Save when bold sparrows draw too near
+  Their mighty beaks--and disappear.
+
+  Outlandish birds, at times grotesque,
+  And yet superbly picturesque,
+  Although resignedly we mourn
+  A Park dismantled and forlorn,
+  Long may it be ere you forsake
+  Your quarters on the minished Lake;
+  For there, with splendid plumes and hues
+  And ways that startle and amuse,
+  You constantly refresh the eye
+  And cheer the heart of passers-by,
+  Untouched by years of shock and strain,
+  Undeviatingly urbane,
+  And lending London's commonplace
+  A touch of true heraldic grace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RING IN THE OLD.
+
+There is a shabby-looking man who (I read it in _The Times_) rings the
+bell of London hospitals, asks to see the secretary, presumes (as is
+always a safe thing to do) that the establishment is grievously in
+need of funds, and without any further parley hands to the startled
+but gratified official bank-notes to the tune of five hundred pounds.
+He then vanishes without giving name or address. This unknown
+benefactor is dressed in top-boots, riding breeches of honourable
+antiquity, a black coat green with age and a "Cup Final" cap. At the
+same time (this too on _The Times'_ authority) there is an oddly and
+obsolescently attired lady going about who also makes London hospitals
+her hobby. She begins by asking the secretary if she may take off her
+boots, and, receiving permission, takes them off, places her feet on
+an adjacent chair and hands him two thousand pounds.
+
+The result of the activities of these angelic visitants is that all
+the other hospital porters have had instructions from their eager
+and hopeful secretaries to be careful to be polite to any and every
+person, even though he or she should be in rags, who expresses the
+faintest desire to enter on business; more than polite--solicitous,
+welcoming, cordial; while all the secretaries are at this moment
+polishing up their smiles and practising an easy manner with ladies in
+last century costumes who put sudden and unexpected requests.
+
+_The Times_, in limiting the effect of these curious occurrences
+entirely to hospital servants, seems to me to lose a great
+opportunity. Surely the consequences will be more wide-reaching than
+that? To my mind we may even go so far as to hail the dawn of the
+golden age for old clothes; for in the fear that shabbiness may
+be merely a whimsical disguise or the mark of a millionaire's
+eccentricity the whole world (which is very imitative and very hard
+up) will begin to fawn upon it, and then at last many of us will enter
+the earthly paradise.
+
+But the gentleman who puts ease before elegance and the lady who
+prefers comfort to convention have got to work a little harder yet.
+They must not fold their hands at the moment under the impression that
+their labours are done. The support of hospitals is humane and only
+too necessary, and all honour to them for their generosity; but other
+spheres of action await exploration.
+
+I had hoped that the War was going to reform ideas on dress and make
+things more simple for those whose trouser-knees go baggy so soon and
+remain thus for so long; but, like too many of the expectations which
+we used to foster, this also has failed. It is therefore the benign
+couple who must carry on the good work. Let them, if they really love
+their fellow-creatures, go to a wedding or two (having previously
+given a present of sufficient value to ensure respect) and display
+their careless garb among the guests, and then in a little while old
+garments would at these exacting functions become as fashionable as
+new and we should all be happier.
+
+I was asked to a wedding last week, and should have accepted but for
+the great Smart Clothes tradition. If _The Times'_ hero and heroine
+were to become imaginatively busy as I suggest, I could go to all the
+weddings in the world. (Heaven forbid!) Receptions, formal lunches,
+the laying of stones, the unveiling of monuments, private views--these
+ceremonies, now so full of terrors for any but the dressy, could be
+made endurable if only the gentleman in the black coat green with age
+and the lady with the elastic sides would show themselves prominently
+and receive conspicuous attentions.
+
+And then, if any more statues were needed for the police to keep
+their waterproofs on, one of them should be that of an unknown
+philanthropical gentleman who wears venerable top-boots, and another
+that of a philanthropical lady who would rather be without any boots
+at all, and the inscription on the pedestals would state that their
+glorious achievement was this: They made old clothes the thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD BEER FLAGON.
+
+(_Many old English flagons are adorned inside with grotesque figures
+of animals_.)
+
+  Within my foaming flagon
+    There crawls on countless legs
+  A lazy grinning dragon
+    That wallows in the dregs;
+  Of old I saw him nightly
+    Look up with friendly leer,
+  As if to hint politely,
+    "I share your taste in beer!"
+
+  Through merry nights unnumbered
+    (From Boxing Day to Yule)
+  He'd greet me, ere I slumbered,
+    From out his amber pool;
+  But now he is beginning
+    To look a trifle strange;
+  His smile, once wide and winning,
+    Has undergone a change.
+
+  No more, as pints diminish
+    (I wish the price grew less)
+  He hails me at the finish
+  With wonted cheeriness;
+  For, as I drain my mellow
+    Allowances of ale,
+  He seems to sigh, "Old fellow,
+  _Will_ PUSSYFOOT prevail?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "Cleaning and pressing suites, $3. Dyeing and pressing suits, $6.
+    Clothes returned looking like now."
+
+    _Advt. in_ "_Standard_" (_Buenos Aires_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "As a woman and a ratepayer, I realise the importance
+    of eliminating all unavoidable expenditure in Municipal
+    undertakings."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+We trust she will be elected and show how it's done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After an interval of seven years, the 'Beasts' Ball, a pre-war
+    popular annual event in aid of the Royal Society for Prevention of
+    Cruelty to Animals, is to be held at the Guildhall, on Wednesday,
+    November 10. Tickets can be obtained from Mrs. Bushe-Fox and from
+    Mrs. Wolf."--_Cambridge Review._
+
+It sounds just like _Uncle Remus_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE.=
+
+"WHAT'S THE KID SHOUTING ABOUT? THERE AIN'T NO RACING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.=
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+"Two households, both alike in dignity...." I ask you, could the
+novel, of which this quotation is the text, have been written by
+anyone but Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY? Actually indeed the disputants belong
+to two branches of the same family, that grim tribe of _Forsytes_,
+whom you remember in _The Man of Property_, and of whose collective
+history the present book is a further instalment (not, I fancy, the
+last). I should certainly advise anyone not already familiar with the
+former work to get up his _Forsytes_ therein before attacking this;
+otherwise he may risk some discouragement from the plunge into so
+numerous a clan, known for the most part only by Christian names, with
+their complex relationships and the mass of bygone happenings that
+unites or separates them. This stage of the tribal history is called
+_In Chancery_ (HEINEMANN), chiefly from the state of suspended
+animation experienced by the now middle-aged _Soames_ ("Man of
+Property") with regard to his never-divorced runaway wife _Irene_.
+Following the ruling _Forsyte_ instinct, _Soames_ wants a son who
+will keep together and even increase his great possessions, while
+continuing his personality. The expiring generation, represented by
+_James_, is urgent upon this duty to the family. You may imagine what
+Mr. GALSWORTHY makes of it all. These possessive persons, with their
+wealth, their hatred and affections and their various strongholds in
+the more eminently desirable parts of residential London, affect one
+like portions of some monstrous stone-fronted edifice, impressive but
+repellent. I have some curiosity to see, with Mr. GALSWORTHY'S help,
+how the _Forsyte_ castle stands the disintegration of 1914-18.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What with the scientists who explain things on the assumption that we
+know nearly as much as they do and those who explain things on the
+assumption that we know nothing, it is very difficult for you and me
+to persevere in our original determination to learn _something_. But I
+have always felt that Sir RAY LANKESTER is one of the very few who do
+understand us, and I feel it still more strongly now that I have read
+his _Secrets of Earth and Sea_ (METHUEN). He is instructive but human;
+he does not take it for granted that we know what miscegenation means,
+but he does credit us with a little intelligence. And he realises how
+many arguments we have had about questions like "Why does the sea look
+blue?" Personally I rushed at that chapter, though I must say that
+I was a little disappointed to find that the gist of his answer was
+"Because water _is_ blue." You see, if you had a tooth-glass fifteen
+feet high and filled it with water--But you must find out for
+yourself. Then I went on to the chapter on Coal, and discovered that
+"it is fairly certain that the blacker coal which we find in strata of
+great geological age was so produced by the action of special kinds of
+bacteria upon peat-like masses of vegetable refuse." I wonder if Mr.
+SMILLIE knows that. It might help him to a sense of proportion. The
+author is constantly setting up a surprising but stimulating relation
+between the naturalist's researches and the problems of human life, as
+when he observes that "the 'colour bar' is not merely the invention of
+human prejudice, but already exists in wild plants and animals," and
+in his remarks on mongrels and the regrettable subjection of the males
+of many species. There are chapters on Wheel Animalcules, Vesuvius,
+Prehistoric Art--everything--and all are admirably illustrated. A
+fascinating book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Diary of a Journalist_ (MURRAY) is a volume of which the title is
+its own sufficient description, save that it leaves unsuggested the
+interest that such briskly written and comprehensive comments as these
+of our old friend, Sir HENRY LUCY, must command. His book differs from
+most of those in the flood of recollections that has lately broken
+upon us in being a selection from "impressions of the moment written
+without knowledge of the ultimate result." In these stray moments
+between the years 1885 and 1917 I find at least two examples in which
+this ignorance of the final event adds much to the interest of the
+immediate record--the startling forecast of the EX-KAISER'S destiny,
+entered in the Diary under November '98; and the mention, long before
+the actual illness of KING EDWARD declared itself, of the growing
+belief in certain circles that his coronation would never take place.
+It is at once obvious that not even "TOBY'S" three previous volumes
+have by any means exhausted his fund of good stories, the scenes of
+which range from Westminster to Bouverie Street, and round half the
+stately (or, at least, interesting) homes of England. Of them all--not
+forgetting DISRAELI and the peacocks and a new W. S. GILBERT--my
+personal choice would be for the mystery of the Unknown Guest, who not
+only took a place, but was persuaded to speak, at a private dinner
+given by Sir JOHN HARE at the Garrick Club, without anyone ever
+knowing who he was or how he came there. A genial lucky-bag book,
+which (despite unusually full chapter headings) would be improved by
+an index to its many prizes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JAMES HILTON is very young and very clever. If, as he grows older,
+he learns to be clever about more interesting things he ought to write
+some very good novels. _Catherine Herself_ (UNWIN) has red hair, but
+then she has a rather more red-haired disposition than most red-haired
+heroines have to justify it, so this is not my real objection to
+the book. My quarrel is that, though I cannot call it an ugly story
+without giving a false impression, it is certainly a quite unbeautiful
+one, and at the end of its three hundred and more pages it has
+achieved nothing but a full-length portrait of an utterly selfish
+woman. Mr. HILTON has dissected her most brilliantly; but I don't
+think she is worth it. Catherines, whether they marry or are given in
+marriage, or do anything else, are really stationary; and, since the
+persons of a story, if it is to be worth telling, must move in some
+direction, Mr. HILTON will be well advised in future to choose a
+different type of heroine. I want to say too that I don't believe that
+it is either so easy or so profitable to become a well-known pianist
+"not in the front rank" as he seems to imagine it is. I wish I could
+think that no one else would believe him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Knight_ (_to his henchman_). "EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT,
+PERKINS? YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANYTHING? WHAT'S THAT?"
+
+_Henchman_. "IT'S THE PORTRAIT OF YOUR LADY, SIR, THAT YOU PROMISED TO
+TAKE INTO BATTLE WITH YOU, SIR."
+
+_Knight_. "DID I? WELL, I MUST E'EN KEEP MY WORD. FASTEN IT ON MY
+BACK. ONE NEVER KNOWS--IT MAY BE USEFUL IN CASE OF A REVERSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems rather a bright idea of C. NINA BOYLE to dedicate "to THEA
+and IRENE, whose lives have lain in sheltered ways," a seven-shilling
+shocker about ways that are anything but sheltered. Perhaps the
+sheltered in general, and Thea and Irene in particular, will take it
+from me that the villainies of _Out of the Frying Pan_ are much
+larger than life or, at any rate, much more concentrated, and that
+pseudo-orphans like _Maisie_ usually have a better chance of getting
+out of frying-pans into something cool than the author allows her
+heroine. I also submit that there was nothing in _Maisie's_ equipment
+to suggest that she would have been quite so slow in separating goats
+from sheep. But let me say that THEA and IRENE have had dedicated to
+them an exciting and amusing _fritto misto_ of crooks, demi-mondaines,
+blackmailers, gamblers, roues, murderers, receivers and decent
+congenital idiots of all sorts. The characterisation is adroitly done
+and the workmanship avoids that slovenliness which makes nineteen out
+of twenty books of this kind a weariness of spirit to the perceptive.
+I wonder if _Maisie_ with such a father and mother would have been
+such a darling. Perhaps Professor KARL PEARSON will explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Hon. William Toppys_ (pronounced "Tops"), brother of _Lord
+Topsham_, left Devonshire and retired to an island in the Torres
+Straits. There he married a Melanesian woman and became the father of
+a frizzy-haired and coffee-coloured son. It is a little strange to
+me, who think of Mr. BENNET COPPLESTONE as Devonian to the tip of his
+pen-finger, that the _Hon. William_ is not rebuked for so shamelessly
+deserting his native county. Instead he is almost applauded for his
+wisdom, and this despite the fact that he quite spoilt the look of the
+family tree with his exotic graft. For in the course of time his
+son, insularly known as _Willatopy_, inherited the title and became
+twenty-eighth (no less) _Baron of Topsham_. Mr. COPPLESTONE does not
+realise the vast difference between light comedy and broad farce, but
+apart from this substantial reservation I can vouch that his yarn of
+_Madame Gilbert's Cannibal_ (MURRAY) is deftly spun. Should you decide
+to follow the famous _Madame Gilbert_ when she visits the island where
+the twenty-eighth baron lived you will witness a lively and unusual
+entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 355: "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!" [double quote
+added]. Page 356: "_They_ always do that." [double quote inserted].
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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