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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 3, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: March 15, 2006 [EBook #17994]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 3rd, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"After all," asks a writer, "why shouldn't Ireland have a Parliament,
+like England?" Quite frankly we do not like this idea of retaliation
+while more humane methods are still unexplored.
+
+* * *
+
+"The miners' strike," says a music-hall journal, "has given one
+song-writer the idea for a ragtime song." It is only fair to say that
+Mr. SMILLIE had no idea that his innocent little manoeuvre would
+lead to this.
+
+* * *
+
+The Admiralty does not propose to publish an official account of the
+Battle of Jutland. Indeed the impression is gaining ground that this
+battle will have to be cancelled.
+
+* * *
+
+We are asked to deny that, following upon the publication of _Mirrors
+of Downing Street_, by "A Gentleman with a Duster," Lord KENYON is
+about to dedicate to Sir CLAUDE CHAMPION DE CRESPIGNY a book entitled
+_A Peer with a Knuckle-Duster_.
+
+* * *
+
+"Mr. Lloyd George seems to have had his hair 'bobbed' recently," says
+a gossip-writer in a Sunday paper. Mr. HODGES still sticks to the
+impression that it was really two-bobbed.
+
+* * *
+
+"Cigars discovered in the possession of Edward Fischer, in New York,"
+says a news item, "were found to contain only tobacco." Very rarely do
+we come across a case like that in England.
+
+* * *
+
+"Water," says a member of the L.C.C., "is being sold at a loss." But
+not in our whisky, we regret to say.
+
+* * *
+
+What is claimed to be the largest shell ever made has been turned out
+by the Hecla Works, Sheffield. It may shortly be measured for a war to
+fit it.
+
+* * *
+
+A taxi-driver who knocked a man down in Gracechurch Street has
+summoned him for using abusive language. It seems a pity that
+pedestrians cannot be knocked down without showing their temper like
+this.
+
+* * *
+
+After months of experiment at Thames Ditton the question of an
+artificial limb of light metal has been solved. It is said to be just
+the thing for Tube-travellers to carry as a spare.
+
+* * *
+
+In connection with Mr. PRINGLE'S recent visit to Ireland we are asked
+to say that he was not sent there as a reprisal.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE LANSBURY recently told a Poplar audience why he went to
+Australia many years ago. No explanation was offered of his return.
+
+* * *
+
+A coal-porter summoned for income-tax at West Ham Police Court said
+that his wages averaged eight hundred pounds a year. We think it only
+fair to say that there must be labouring men here and there who earn
+even less than that.
+
+* * *
+
+"The thief," says a weekly paper report, "entered the house by way of
+the front-door." We can only suppose that the burglars' entrance was
+locked at the time.
+
+* * *
+
+A small boy, born in a Turkish harem, is said to have forty-eight
+step-mothers living. Our office-boy, however, is still undefeated in
+the matter of recently defunct grandmothers.
+
+* * *
+
+The number of accidental deaths in France is attaining alarming
+proportions. It is certainly time that a stop was put to the quaint
+custom of duelling.
+
+* * *
+
+A rat that looks like a kangaroo and barks like a prairie dog is
+reported in Texas, says _The Columbia Record_. We can only say that,
+when we last heard that one, it was an elephant with white trunk and
+pink eyes.
+
+* * *
+
+"Why do leaders of the Bar wear such ill-fitting clothes?" asks a
+contemporary. A sly dig, we presume, at their brief bags.
+
+* * *
+
+A reduction in prices is what every housewife in the land is looking
+for, says _The Daily Express_. It is not known how our contemporary
+got hold of this idea.
+
+* * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that _The Daily Mail_ has offered a
+prize of a hundred pounds to the first person who can prove that it
+has been talking through its prize hat.
+
+* * *
+
+"What should _The Daily Mail_ hat be worn with?" asks an enthusiast.
+"Characteristic modesty" is the right answer.
+
+* * *
+
+Emigrants to Canada, it is stated, now include an increasingly large
+proportion of skilled workers. Fortunately, thanks to the high wages
+they earn at home, we are not losing the services of our skilled
+loafers.
+
+* * *
+
+A burglar who was recently sentenced in the Glasgow Police Court was
+captured while in the act of lowering a chest of drawers out of a
+window with a rope. The old method of taking the house home and
+extracting the furniture at leisure is still considered the safest by
+conservative house-breakers.
+
+* * *
+
+Found under a bed in a strange house at Grimsby, a man told the police
+who arrested him that he was looking for work. It was pointed out to
+him that the usual place for men looking for work is in bed, not under
+it.
+
+* * *
+
+In a recent case a Hull bargee gave his name as ALFAINA SWASH.
+Nevertheless the Court did not decide to hear the rest of his evidence
+_in camera_.
+
+* * *
+
+A cyclist who stopped to watch a stag-hunt near Tivington Cross, in
+Somerset, was tossed into the hedge by the stag. On behalf of the
+beast it is claimed that the cyclist was off-side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SHE DON'T 'ARF SWANK SINCE 'ER FARVER WAS KNOCKED OVER
+BY A ROLLS-ROYCE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Czecho-Slovaks will shortly be able to see the successful
+    play, 'The Right to Stroke.'"--_Evening Paper._
+
+Good news for the local pussies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The first annual dinner of the ---- Club was held in the Club
+    Rooms on Saturday evening, a large number sitting down to an
+    excellent coal collation."--_Local Paper._
+
+Surely a little extravagant in these times.
+
+=THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS GERMAN FRIENDS.=
+
+  "Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel;
+  Defenceless victims ye are, in claws of spite a prey.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done
+  On Satan's chamberlains highseated in Berlin;
+  Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun:
+  Tho' in craven Germany was no man found, not one
+  With spirit enough to cry Shame!--Nay but on such sin
+  Follows Perdition eternal ... and it has begun."
+
+_The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," November 4th, 1918._
+
+    "The letter [of reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., 'to
+    their fellows in Germany'] is written ... with the recognition
+    that we have both of us been provoked to 'animosities' which we
+    desire to put aside ... The commonest objection was that the
+    action was 'premature'--my own feeling being that of shame
+    for having vainly waited so long in deference to political
+    complications, and that shame was intolerably increasing ... It
+    is undiscerning not to see that at a critical moment of extreme
+    tension they [the German Professors] allowed their passion to get
+    the better of them."
+
+    _The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," October 27th, 1920_.
+
+    [The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to
+    do full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's
+    craftsmanship.]
+
+  Such people as lacked the leisure to peruse
+    My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long
+    In _The Times_, may like me, as having the gift of song,
+  To prosodise succinctly my private views.
+
+  Did I cry Shame! in November, 1918,
+    On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell?
+  Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean
+    My soul of a wrong that grew intolerable.
+  What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore,
+    Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds?
+    Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds;
+  We too were vexed and wanted our fellows' gore,
+  Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension
+  Which in our calmer hours we should never mention.
+
+  Dons in their academic ignorance blind,
+    With passions like to our own as pea to pea,
+  Shall we await in them a change of mind?
+    Shall we require a repentant apology?
+  Or in a generous spasm anticipate
+    The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress
+    Of labour involved in planning new frightfulness,
+  They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate?
+
+  Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow
+    "Perdition eternal"; Heaven would make this its care,
+    Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare.
+  Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow,
+  Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence,
+    That a few brief years of Coventry, of denied
+    Communion with Culture--used in the Oxford sense--
+  Are ample for getting our difference rectified.
+
+  What is a Laureate paid for, I ask _The Times_,
+  If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes?
+  I stamp my foot on my wrath's last smouldering ember,
+  And for my motto I take "_Lest we remember_."    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY.=
+
+I let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting on one of
+those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers for persons of
+second quality who are bidden to wait in the hall.
+
+"You want to see me?" I inquired. "Yes; what is it?"
+
+"I have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with your laundry."
+
+"Far from it," I said. "It is kind of you to ask, but why?"
+
+"Because I wish to solicit your custom for the laundry I represent."
+
+"What faults do you specialise in?" I inquired.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Madam?"
+
+"Will you send home my husband's collars with an edge like a
+dissipated saw?"
+
+The young woman's face brightened with comprehension.
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she replied. "We exercise the greatest care with
+gentlemen's stand-up collars."
+
+"Will you shrink my combinations to the size of a doll's?"
+
+An expression of horror invaded her countenance. "The utmost
+precaution," she asserted, "is taken to prevent the shrinkage of
+woollens."
+
+"Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to two hems connected
+by a few stray rags in the middle?"
+
+The young woman was aghast. "All towels are handled as gently as
+possible to avoid tearing," she replied.
+
+"How about handkerchiefs?" I asked. "I dislike to find myself grasping
+my bare nose through a hole in the centre."
+
+The suggestion made my visitor laugh.
+
+"Are you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread, impossible
+to extricate, into conspicuous parts of one's clothing?"
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she asseverated; "no linen is allowed to leave our
+establishment with any disfiguring marks."
+
+"You never, I suppose, return clothing dirtier than when it reached
+you?" I proceeded.
+
+Suppressed scorn that I could believe in such a possibility flashed
+momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an emphatic denial.
+
+"Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging to other people
+while one's own are missing?"
+
+"Never, I can assure you, Madam."
+
+"Does the man who delivers the washing habitually turn the basket
+upside down so that the heavy things below crush all the delicate
+frilly things that ought to be on top?"
+
+She seemed incapable of conceiving that such perverted creatures could
+exist.
+
+"Do they never whistle in an objectionable manner while waiting for
+the soiled clothes?"
+
+"Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madam."
+
+"Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does to me, and
+even more, and when I write to complain they disregard my letters."
+
+"We rarely have complaints, Madam, and all such receive prompt
+attention. I can give references in this street--in this block of
+flats even."
+
+"Well," said I, "if you like to give me a card I am willing to let you
+have a trial."
+
+The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and handed me a card.
+
+"The Superfection Laundry," I read with amazement. "Surely there must
+be some mistake?"
+
+"Are you not Mrs. Fulton?" asked the young woman.
+
+"No, you have come a floor too high. Mrs. Fulton lives in the flat
+below me."
+
+"I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see Mrs. Fulton.
+But all the same may we not add you to the list of our customers?"
+
+"Impossible," I said.
+
+"May I ask your reasons, Madam?"
+
+"Because the laundry I employ at present is the Superfection."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Church Militant in the Near East.=
+
+    "Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30; one of
+    the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some 6 miles
+    to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken by the
+    Cassocks."--_Evening Paper._
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SIGN.]
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Guest (exasperated with waiting)._ "I'VE A GOOD MIND TO DRIVE
+OFF, BUT I'M AFRAID OF HITTING THAT IDIOT IN FRONT."
+
+_The Hostess._ "HIT HIM WHERE YOU LIKE, DEAR--IT'S MY HUSBAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=PROOF POSITIVE.=
+
+This kind of thing had been going on morning after morning until I was
+quite tired.
+
+_They._ You ought to get hold of a good dog.
+
+It is extraordinary how many things one ought to get hold of in the
+country. Sometimes it is a wood-chopper and sometimes a couple of
+hundred cabbages, and sometimes a cartload of manure, and sometimes a
+few good hens. I find this very exhausting to the grip.
+
+_I._ What for?
+
+_They._ To watch your house.
+
+_I._ I do not wish to inflict pain on a good dog. What kind of a dog
+ought it to be?
+
+_They._ Well, a mastiff.
+
+_I._ Isn't that rather a smooth kind of dog? If I have to get hold of
+a dog, I should like one with rather a rougher surface.
+
+_They._ Try an Irish terrier.
+
+_I._ I have. They fight.
+
+_They._ Not unless they're provoked.
+
+_I._ Nobody fights unless he is provoked. But more things provoke an
+Irish terrier than one might imagine. The postman provoked my old one
+so much that it bit the letters out of his hand and ate them.
+
+_They._ Well, you didn't get any bills, then.
+
+_I._ Yes, I did. Bills always came when the dog was away for the
+week-end. He was a great week-ender, and he always came back from
+week-ends with more and more pieces out of his ears until at last they
+were all gone, and he couldn't hear us when we called him.
+
+_They._ Well, there are plenty of other sorts. You might have a Chow
+or an Airedale or a boar-hound.
+
+_I._ Thank you, I do not hunt boars. Besides, all the dogs you mention
+are very expensive nowadays. In the War it was quite different. You
+could collect dogs for practically nothing then. My company used to
+have more than a dozen dogs parading with it every day. They had never
+seen so many men so willing to go for so many long walks before. They
+thought the Millennium had come. A proposal was made that they should
+be taught to form fours and march in the rear. But, like all great
+strategical plans, it was stifled by red tape. After that--
+
+_They._ You are getting away from the point. If you really want a good
+cheap dog--
+
+_I._ Ah, I thought you were coming to that. You know of a good cheap
+dog?
+
+_They._ The gardener of my sister-in-law's aunt has an extremely good
+cheap dog.
+
+_I._ And would it watch my house?
+
+_They._ Most intently.
+
+That is how Trotsky came to us. Nobody but a reckless propagandist
+would say that he is either a mastiff or a boar-hound, though he once
+stopped when we came to a pig. I do not mind that. What I do mind is
+their saying, now that they have palmed him off on me, "I saw you out
+with your what-ever-it-is yesterday," or "I did not know you had taken
+to sheep-breeding," or "What is that thing you have tied up to the
+kennel at the back?" There seems to be something about the animal's
+tail that does not go with its back, or about its legs that does not
+go with its nose, or about its eyes that does not go with its fur. If
+it is fur, that is to say. And the eyes are a different colour and
+seem to squint a little. They say that one of them is a wall-eye. I
+think that is the one he watches the house with. Personally I consider
+that they are very handsome eyes in their own different lines, and my
+opinion is that he is a Mull-terrier; or possibly a Rum. Anyhow he is
+a good dog to get hold of, for he is very curly.
+
+The village policeman came round to the house the other day. I think
+he really came to talk to the cook, but I fell into conversation with
+him.
+
+"You ought to be getting a licence for that dog of yours," he said.
+
+"What dog?" I asked.
+
+"Why, you've got a dog tied up at the back there, haven't you?" he
+said.
+
+"Have I?" said I.
+
+And we went out and looked at it together. Trotsky looked at me with
+one eye and at the policeman with the other, and he wagged his tail.
+At least I am not sure that he wagged it; "shook" would be a better
+word.
+
+"Where did you get it?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, I just got hold of it," I said airily. "It's rather good, don't
+you think?"
+
+He stood for some time in doubt.
+
+"It's a dog," he said at last.
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand.
+
+"You have taken a great load off my mind," I told him. "I will get a
+licence at once."
+
+This will score off them pretty badly.
+
+After all you can't go behind a Government certificate, can you? EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  _Caller._ "IS MRS. JONES AT HOME?"
+  _Cook-General._ "SHE IS, BUT SHE AIN'T 'ARDLY IN A FIT STATE TO SEE
+   ANYBODY. SHE'S JUST BIN GIVIN' ME NOTICE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CRY OF THE ADULT AUTHOR.=
+
+[The "Diarist" of _The Westminster Gazette_, in the issue of October
+25th, utters a poignant _cri de coeur_ over what he regards as one
+of the great tragedies of the time--the crowding-out of the
+"genuine craftsmen" of journalism and letters by Cabinet Ministers,
+notoriety-mongers and, above all, by sloppy infant prodigies.]
+
+  Oh, bitter are the insults
+    And bitter is the shame
+  Heaped on deserving authors
+    Of high and strenuous aim,
+  When all the best booksellers
+    Their shelves and windows cram
+  With novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  In recent Autumn seasons
+    Writers of age mature
+  (From eighteen up to thirty)
+    Of sympathy were sure;
+  _Now_ publishers their portals
+    On everybody slam
+  Save novelists from the nursery
+    And poets from the pram.
+
+  Unfairly WINSTON CHURCHILL
+    Invades the Sunday sheets;
+  Unfairly MRS. ASQUITH
+    With serious scribes competes;
+  But these are minor evils--
+    What makes me cuss and damn
+  Are novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  When on the concert platform
+    The prodigy appears
+  I do not grudge his welcome,
+    The clappings and the cheers;
+  But I can't forgive the people
+    Who down our throats would cram
+  The novelists from the nursery,
+    The poets from the pram.
+
+  I met a (once) best seller,
+    And I took him by the hand,
+  And asked, "How's OPAL WHITELEY
+    And how does DAISY stand?"
+  He answered, "I can only
+    See sloppiness and sham
+  In novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram."
+
+  If I were only despot,
+    To end this painful feud
+  I'd banish straight to Mespot
+    The scribbling infant brood,
+  And bar the importation,
+    By that hustler, Uncle Sam,
+  Of novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of Sir J. FORBES-ROBERTSON'S _début_:--
+
+    "It was interesting to remember that in the audience on that
+    occasion were Dante, Gabriel, Rossetti and Algernon Charles
+    Swinburne."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The archangel was a great catch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the Royal Cream horses were dispersed from the royal
+    stables, one or two golf clubs made an endeavour to get one of
+    these fine animals, and Ranelagh and Sandy Lodge were fortunate to
+    secure them. The horses look fine on the course behind the mower."
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Shoving, we suppose, for all they are worth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=EUCLID IN REAL LIFE.=
+
+If it was not for the paper-shortage I should at once re-write EUCLID,
+or those parts of him which I understand. The trouble about old EUCLID
+was that he had no soul, and few of his books have that emotional
+appeal for which we look in these days. My aim would be to bring home
+his discoveries to the young by clothing them with human interest;
+and I should at the same time demonstrate to the adult how often they
+might be made practically useful in everyday life. When one thinks
+of the times one draws a straight line at right angles to another
+straight line, and how seldom one does it EUCLID'S way ... every time
+one writes a T....
+
+Well, let us take, for example--
+
+BOOK III., PROPOSITION 1.
+
+PROBLEM.--_To find the centre of a given circle_.
+
+Let ABC be that horrible round bed where you had the geraniums
+last year. This year, I gather, the idea is to have it nothing but
+rose-trees, with a great big fellow in the middle. The question is,
+where is the middle? I mean, if you plant it in a hurry on your own
+judgment, everyone who comes near the house will point out that the
+bed is all cock-eye. Besides, you can see it from the dining-room and
+it will annoy you at breakfast.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--Well, this is how we go about it. First, you draw any
+chord AB in the given bed ABC. You can do that with one of those long
+strings the gardener keeps in his shed, with pegs at the end.
+
+Bisect AB at D.
+
+Now don't look so stupid. We've done that already in Book I., Prop.
+10, you remember, when we bisected the stick of nougat. That's right.
+
+Now from D draw DC at right angles to AB, and meeting the lawn at C.
+You can do that with a hoe.
+
+Produce CD to meet the lawn again at E.
+
+Now we do some more of that bisecting; this time we bisect EC at F.
+
+Then F shall be the middle of the bed; and that's where your rose-tree
+is going.
+
+PROOF???--Well, I mean, if F be _not_ the centre let some point
+G, outside the line CE, be the centre and put the confounded tree
+_there_. And, what's more, you can jolly well join GA, GD and GB, and
+see what that looks like.
+
+Just cast your eye over the two triangles GDA and GDB.
+
+Don't you see that DA is equal to DB (unless, of course, you've
+bisected that chord all wrong), and DG is common, and GA is equal to
+GB--at least according to your absurd theory about G it is, since they
+must be both _radii_. _Radii_ indeed! _Look_ at them. Ha, ha!
+
+Therefore, you fool, the angle GDA is equal to the angle GDB.
+
+Therefore they are both right angles.
+
+Therefore the angle GDA is a right angle. (I know you think I'm
+repeating myself, but you'll see what I'm getting at in a minute.)
+
+_Therefore_--and this is the cream of the joke--therefore--really, I
+can't help laughing--therefore _the angle CDA is equal to the angle
+GDA!_ That is, the part is equal to the whole--which is ridiculous.
+
+I mean, it's too _laughable_.
+
+So, you see, your rose-tree is not in the middle at all.
+
+In the same way you can go on planting the old tree all over the
+bed--anywhere you like. In every case you'll get those right angles in
+the same ridiculous position--why, it makes me laugh _now_ to think of
+it--and you'll be brought back to dear old CE.
+
+And, of course, any point in CE _except_ F would divide CE unequally,
+which I notice now is just what you've done yourself; so F is wrong
+too.
+
+But you see the idea?
+
+What a mess you've made of the bed!
+
+BOOK I., PROPOSITION 20.
+
+THEOREM.--_Any two sides of a triangle are together greater than the
+third side_.
+
+Let ABC be a triangle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--You know the eleventh hole? Well, let B be the tee,
+and let C be the green, and let BC be my drive. Yes, _mine_. Is it
+dead? Yes.
+
+Now let BA be _your_ drive. I'm afraid you've pulled it a bit and gone
+into the road by the farm.
+
+You can't get on to the green by the direct route AC because you're
+under the wall. You'll have to play further up the road till you get
+opposite that gap at D. It's a pity, because you'll have to play about
+the same distance, only in the wrong direction.
+
+Take your niblick, then, and play your second, making AD equal to AC.
+Now join CD.
+
+I mean, put your third on the green. You can do that, _surely_? Good.
+
+PROOF.--There, I'm down in two. But we won't rub it in. Do you notice
+anything odd about these triangles? No? Well, the fact is that AD is
+equal to AC, and the result of that is that the angle ACD is equal to
+the angle ADC. That's Prop. 5. Anyhow, it's obvious, isn't it?
+
+But steady on. The angle BCD is greater than its part, the angle
+ACD--you must admit that? (Look out, there's a fellow going to drive.)
+
+And therefore the angle BCD--Oh, well, I can't go into it all now or
+it will mean we shall have to let these people through; but if you
+carry on on those lines you'll find that BD is greater than BC.
+
+I mean you've only got to go back to where you played your third and
+you'll see that it _must_ be so, won't you? Very well, then, don't
+argue.
+
+But BD is equal to BA and AC, for AD is equal to AC; it _had_ to be,
+you remember.
+
+Therefore--now follow this closely--the two sides BA and AC are
+together greater than the third side BC.
+
+That means, you see, that by pulling your drive out to the left there
+you gave yourself a lot of extra distance to cover.
+
+You'd never have guessed that, would you? But old EUCLID did.
+
+Come along, then; they're putting. You must be more careful at this
+hole.
+
+I think it's that right shoulder of yours ...
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Our Candid Candidates.=
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "Should I get returned as your representative you will have no
+    cause for regret when my term of office expires."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The strike of the mechanical staff of the 'Karachi Daily Gazette'
+    has ended."
+
+    _Evening Paper_.
+
+We wondered why everybody looked so pleased in London that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Since her treatment with the monkey gland Miss Ediss has received
+    enough complimentary nuts to stock a market garden. An ornate
+    basket of monkey nuts fills a prominent place in her room, and
+    two cocoanuts tied up with coloured ribbon strike the eye of the
+    visitor."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+In that case we shall postpone our intended visit until Miss EDISS is
+herself again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =MANNERS AND MODES.=
+
+NOW THAT MEN'S ATTIRE IS SO COSTLY WHY NOT TAKE A LEAF FROM THE
+LADIES' BOOK OF FASHION AND LET THE TAILORS HAVE DRESS PARADES OF THE
+LATEST DESIGNS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CULT OF FACE-READING.
+
+'_Erb_ (_a cinema habitué_). "SEE WOT 'E'S SAYING, EM'LY? '_E'S STILL
+AT THE OFFICE AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GET 'OME TO DINNER_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CONSPIRATORS.=
+
+VI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--I was talking to the Editor the other day about this
+correspondence of ours which we are conducting in the public Press,
+thus saving the twopenny stamps and avoiding the increased cost of
+living which is hitting everyone else so hard.
+
+"This ought to be put a stop to," said he.
+
+"That is just what I have been saying since 1918," I replied; "but the
+question is what to do about it? When you get down to it, the word
+'Bolshevist' is but the Russian for 'advanced Socialist,' and there is
+nothing to prevent Socialists, whether they be advanced or retarded.
+How then are you going to put a stop to Bolshevism?"
+
+"I was thinking of the correspondence," the Editor replied.
+
+So I stopped talking to him and sat down to write my last letter to
+you on the subject.
+
+To resume: In the summer of 1918 the German War Lords began to have
+their doubts of a Pax Germanica and saw signs rather of a Wash-out
+Germanicum. Things looked ill with them, so they consulted their
+doctor, a certain person who called himself "Dr. Help-us" by way of a
+jest. He proved more successful as a business man, however, than he
+was as a humourist. He advised that the "War of World Conquest" was
+not likely to produce a dividend, because its name was against it.
+Cut out "Imperialism"; substitute another word, with just as many
+syllables and no less an imposing sound, "Proletariat"; call the thing
+"Class Warfare"; advertise it thoroughly and attract to it all the
+political egoists of disappointed ambition in the various countries of
+the enemy, and the German War Lords would find it no longer necessary
+to crush all existing nations, since all existing nations would then
+set about to crush themselves.
+
+The idea was voted excellent, and the trial run in Russia gave
+complete satisfaction.
+
+But not all countries were so immediately susceptible to the idea of
+a World Revolution. Victory hath its charms and does not predispose a
+people to complain; so where the Masses (invested with a capital "M"
+to flatter their vanity and secure their goodwill) were victorious and
+content they were to be made to believe by advertisement that with
+a little trouble they could become even more victorious and more
+content. The KAISER and Imperialism had been disposed of; it only
+remained to get rid of Capitalism and Charles. The subterranean
+campaign was developed, and that is what our conspirators have since
+been so brisk and busy about.
+
+That was the programme; but it is a programme which required money.
+And so at last to the Chinese Bonds.
+
+Oh, those Chinese Bonds! How some people abroad have learned to curse
+the very mention of them these last many months! I don't know where
+that tiresome man, LITVINOFF, first got them from, but my poor
+friends, whose business all this is, were running after them at least
+ten months ago. Sometimes they were in Russia, sometimes they showed
+up in Denmark, sometimes they got scent of them in Germany, and I am
+told it is the merest fluke that the Bonds did not come to Switzerland
+for the winter sports. And wherever they turned up they were always
+just on their way to England; either they had a poor sense of
+direction or, being bad sailors, were afraid of the crossing. There
+was never any knowing in what corner of the earth they would next be
+appearing; in fact the only country which those Chinese Bonds seemed
+to have successfully avoided was China.
+
+The first time we heard of them, I will admit that we were thrilled.
+They gave a touch of reality to an otherwise over-hairy and
+unconvincing narrative of conspiracy. The second time we were told of
+them we were pleasurably moved. So it was true, after all, about those
+Chinese Bonds?
+
+The third time we heard of them we were satisfied; the fourth time we
+heard of them we were indifferent; the fifth time bored, the sixth
+time irritated, the seventh time infuriated, and the eighth time
+we said to our informant, "Now look you here. We appreciate the
+excitement of your mysterious presence and the soothing effects of
+your hushed voice, and as long as you care to go on revealing your
+secrets we will listen. You may speak of finance and you may even
+touch upon British bank-notes forged by the Soviets; you may go so far
+as to divulge some new forms of script involved, getting as near as
+even, say, Japanese Debentures; but if you so much as mention China or
+its Bonds to us again we will wrap you up in a parcel and post you
+to Moscow with a personal note of warning to LENIN as to your inner
+knowledge and the dangerous publicity you are giving it."
+
+For ourselves we wrote many a learned treatise on the subject and sent
+many a thousand memos home to those authorities near to whose hearts
+the welfare of those Bonds should be. And after many months of this
+correspondence someone in the what-d'you-call-it office suddenly
+sat up and took notice and wrote to us as follows: "His Majesty's
+Principal Secretary of State for Thingummy has the honour to inform
+you that rumours have reached his ears concerning the existence of
+certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese, in the hands of Bolshevist
+agitators coming or intending to come to this country. You are
+requested to ascertain and report what, if anything, is known of these
+Chinese Bonds."
+
+I could have made a story for you of the uses to which the Bonds were
+put in other countries and newspapers as well as your own. But that
+painfully honest journal, _The Daily Herald_, has anticipated me.
+And anything more you want to know about the conspiracies or the
+conspirators you may now, as I judge from reading your Press,
+experience for yourself. So upon that these letters may end. I would
+like to have concluded by a protestation that, in making these frank
+statements as to the working of, and against, the Conspirators, I
+personally draw no pecuniary benefit of any sort, not a sovereign,
+not a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is perhaps better, however, to
+anticipate discovery by owning up to the fact that my frankness is
+being paid for at so many pence per line.
+
+  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+(_Concluded_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Party_. "ARE YOU SURE THAT LOBSTER'S ALL
+RIGHT?"
+
+_Fishmonger_ (_on his dignity_). "QUITE RIGHT, SIR. IF IT ISN'T WE
+SHALL BE HERE TO-MORROW."
+
+_Nervous Party_. "YES--BUT SHALL _I_ BE HERE TO-MORROW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A PROFESSOR OF TANGO:
+
+"_Nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAGE.
+
+He stood in the packed building, a small lonely figure, pathetic in
+the isolation that shut him off from the warm humanity of the watching
+crowd.
+
+He felt weak, ill, but he struggled to bear himself bravely. He could
+not move his eyes from the stern white face that seemed to fill all
+the space in front of him. About that cold minatory figure, which was
+speaking to him in such passionless even tones, clung an atmosphere of
+awe; the traditional robes of office lent it a majesty that crushed
+his will.
+
+He knew he was being addressed, and he strove to listen. His brain was
+a torrent of thoughts. And so his life had come to this. It was indeed
+the final catastrophe. That was surely what the voice meant--that
+voice which went on and on in an even stream of sound without meaning.
+Why had he come to this--in the flower of his life to lose its
+chiefest gift, Liberty?
+
+Up and down the spaces of his brain thought sped like fire. The people
+behind--did they care? A few perhaps pitied him. The others were
+indifferent. To them it was merely a spectacle.
+
+Suddenly into his mind crept the consciousness of a vast silence. The
+voice had stopped. The abrupt cessation of sound whipped his quivering
+nerves. It was like the holding of a great breath.
+
+He gathered his forces. He knew that the huge concourse waited. A
+question had been put to him. It seemed as if the world stood still to
+listen.
+
+He moistened his lips. He knew what he had meant to say, but his
+tongue was a traitor to his desire. What use now to plead? The
+soundlessness grew intolerable. He thought he should cry aloud.
+
+And then--
+
+"I will," he said, and, looking sideways, caught the swift shy glance
+of his bride.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Master Plumber_. "I'VE NEVER SEED A BLOKE TAKE SO
+LONG OVER A JOB IN ALL ME LIFE. THAT LAD'LL GO FAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.=
+
+  THE SPONGE.
+
+  The sponge is not, as you suppose,
+  A funny kind of weed;
+  He lives below the deep blue sea,
+  An animal, like you and me,
+  Though not so good a breed.
+
+  And when the sponges go to sleep
+  The fearless diver dives;
+  He prongs them with a cruel prong,
+  And, what I think is rather wrong,
+  He also prongs their wives.
+
+  For I expect they love their wives
+  And sing them little songs,
+  And though, of course, they have no heart
+  It hurts them when they're forced to part--
+  Especially with prongs.
+
+  I know you'd rather not believe
+  Such dreadful things are done;
+  Alas, alas, it is the case;
+  And every time you wash your face
+  You use a skeleton.
+
+  And that round hole in which you put
+  Your finger and your thumb,
+  And tear the nice new sponge in two,
+  As I have told you _not_ to do,
+  Was once his _osculum_.
+
+  So that is why I seldom wash,
+  However black I am,
+  But use my flannel if I must,
+  Though even that, to be quite just,
+  Was once a little lamb.       A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK.=
+
+We understand that an expedition will shortly leave the United States
+for Central Asia in search of the Missing Link. "Aeroplanes, motor
+cars, camels, mules and all means of locomotion found suitable will
+be used by the anthropologists, archæologists and other scientists"
+taking part.
+
+We predict that an enterprise so opposed to all the traditions of
+exploration is doomed to failure. We cannot doubt that the Missing
+Link possesses a sense of smell keen enough to detect a camel or a
+Ford car while yet afar off. His regrettable elusiveness is more
+likely to be established than overcome when he beholds mules and
+anthropologists, attended by aeroplanes and motor-cars, and possibly
+whippet-tanks, motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even if there are
+only nine or ten of each variety it will be enough to ensure that the
+adventurers miss the Link after all.
+
+Another aspect of the expedition should be borne in mind. The progress
+through the jungle of such vehicles and personnel would cause
+something like consternation among the larger fauna, whose limited
+intelligence might reasonably fail to distinguish the procession from
+a travelling menagerie. In these days of unrest is it right, is
+it expedient, thus to stir up species hatred? It would be indeed
+deplorable if the present quest were to be followed by a search party
+got up to trace the missing Missing Link expedition.
+
+Surely the old methods of the explorer are still the best. Simply
+equipped with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet, let him plunge into
+the bush and be lost to sight for a few years. Whereas the Missing
+Link may be relied on to remain resolutely beneath his rock at the
+sight of a sort of a Lord Mayor's Show wandering among the vegetation,
+the spectacle of a simple-looking traveller in the midst of the lonely
+forest would rather encourage the creature to emerge from its place of
+retreat.
+
+Then nothing would remain but for the explorer to advance with
+out-stretched hand (preferably the left), and exclaim, "The Missing
+Link, I presume?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CLOSE CORPORATION.
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN (_unemployed_). "IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY
+DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON?"
+
+TRADE UNION OFFICIAL. "MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND
+YEARS OF APPRENTICESHIP."
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN. "SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR
+WHEN THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, October 25th_.--Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME, the newest recruit
+on the Treasury Bench, already answers Questions with all the
+assurance of the other LLOYD G. His readiness in referring the
+inquisitive to other Departments and in declining to go beyond
+his brief--witness his modest refusal to discuss in reply to a
+Supplementary Question the possibility of imposing a tariff in this
+country--suggests that somewhere behind the SPEAKER'S chair there must
+be a school for Under-Secretaries where the callow back-bencher is
+instructed in the arts and crafts required in the seats of the mighty.
+
+For this purpose I can imagine no better instructor than the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who combines scrupulous politeness with an icy
+precision of language. Take, for example, his treatment of Mr.
+PEMBERTON BILLING'S defiant inquiry if it would now be "compatible
+with the dignity of the Government" to say that there had never been
+any intention to bring the War-criminals to trial. "No," replied Sir
+GORDON HEWART in his most pedagogic manner, "it cannot be compatible
+with anyone's dignity to make a statement which is manifestly untrue."
+
+[Illustration: A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT.
+
+Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME.
+
+_Parliamentary Secretary to the Board of Trade._]
+
+This week was to have been devoted, _de die in diem_, to getting on
+with the Government of Ireland Bill. But the malignant sprite that has
+hitherto foiled every effort to pacify Ireland again intervened, and
+the House found itself called upon to discuss the Emergency Powers
+Bill. The measure is a peace-time successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the
+opinion of the Government is getting a little _passée_) and, perhaps
+naturally, met with little approval. Mr. ASQUITH, while admitting
+that something of the kind might be required, took exception to the
+vagueness of its drafting. "What is 'substantial'?" he inquired.
+"Ask them another!" Mr. WILL THORNE joyfully interjected. "What is
+'substantial'?" repeated the EX-PREMIER; whereupon the Coalition with
+one voice replied, "WILL THORNE."
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING "SUBSTANTIAL." Mr. WILL THORNE.]
+
+With consummate skill the PRIME MINISTER managed to get the House out
+of its hostile mood and to satisfy the majority, at any rate, that
+the measure was neither provocative nor inopportune, but a necessary
+precaution against the possibility that "direct action" on the part
+of extra-Parliamentary bodies might confront the country with the
+alternatives of starvation or surrender.
+
+_Tuesday, October 26th_.--In these troublous times the House gladly
+seizes the smallest occasion for merriment. There was great laughter
+when Colonel YATE, the politest of men, inadvertently referred to Sir
+ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON as "the right honourable gent," and it broke
+forth again when, in his anxiety to make no further slip, he addressed
+him _tout court_ as "the right honourable."
+
+There are some fifty thousand British soldiers in Ireland, costing
+over a million pounds a month. But Mr. CHURCHILL took the cheery view
+that after all they had to be somewhere, and would cost nearly as much
+even in Great Britain.
+
+They would cost a good deal more in Mesopotamia, where we have a
+hundred thousand troops (British and Indian), and the cost is two
+and a half millions a month. Sir WILLIAM JOYNSON-HICKS could not
+understand why we should spend all this money "merely to hand the
+country back to the rebels." Mr. CHURCHILL said he had heard nothing
+about handing the country back to the rebels; from which it may be
+inferred either that he is not admitted into all the secrets of the
+Cabinet or that he draws a distinction between "rebels" and "persons
+who object to British rule."
+
+The Press campaign in favour of a nickel three-halfpenny coin has not
+succeeded. In Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S opinion it would not be a coin of
+vantage. Among his objections to it may be the extreme probability
+that the present Administration would promptly be nicknamed (I will
+not say nickel-named) "the Three-half-penny Government."
+
+Owing to a number of concessions announced by the HOME SECRETARY the
+Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly smooth passage through Committee.
+Objections were still raised to making an Emergency Act permanent--it
+_does_ sound rather like a contradiction in terms--but the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL skilfully countered them by pointing out that it was
+only the framework of the machinery, not the regulations, that would
+be permanent. One can imagine the bold bad baron who set up a gallows
+to overawe his villeins comforting objectors with the remark that
+after all it was merely a framework--quite useless without a rope.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOLD BAD BARON.
+
+_Sir Gordon Hewart_. "MERELY A FRAMEWORK--QUITE USELESS WITHOUT A
+ROPE."]
+
+_Wednesday, October 27th_.--Much pother in the Lords because the FIRST
+COMMISSIONER OF WORKS had set up a Committee to advise him with regard
+to the preservation of ancient monuments, including cathedrals and
+churches, without first consulting the ecclesiastical authorities.
+Lord PARMOOR moved a condemnatory resolution, and His Grace of
+CANTERBURY, after renouncing Sir ALFRED MOND and all his works,
+declared that, so far as religious edifices were concerned, the
+proposed Committee was a superfluity of naughtiness with which he
+personally would have nothing to do. Lord LYTTON, with that delightful
+free-and-easiness which characterises the attitude of our present
+Ministers towards their colleagues, observed that he could have
+sympathised with the objectors if it were really intended to place
+cathedrals under Sir ALFRED'S care; but it wasn't;--so why all this
+fuss? Lord CRAWFORD, while sharing the Opposition's dislike of
+restorers, from VIOLLET-LE-DUC to the late Lord GRIMTHORPE, could
+not admit that in this matter the Office of Works had been guilty of
+anything worse than a want of tact. Lord PARMOOR insisted on going
+to a division, and carried his motion by 27 to 17. Despite this
+shattering blow the Government is said to be going on as well as can
+be expected.
+
+[Illustration: A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH.]
+
+What happened at Jutland? After four years' cogitation the Admiralty
+does not appear to have emerged from the state of uncertainty into
+which it was plunged by the first news of the battle. In February
+last Mr. LONG announced that the official report would be published
+"shortly," but then the German sailors began to publish _their_
+stories, and these not very unnaturally differed from the British
+accounts. So now My Lords have decided to leave Sir JULIAN CORBETT'S
+_Naval History of the War_ to unravel the tangle and inform Lords
+JELLICOE and BEATTY (who, according to Sir JAMES CRAIG, are quite
+agreeable to the proposal) exactly what they and their gallant seamen
+really did on that famous occasion.
+
+_Thursday, October 28th_.--There being no Labour Party in the House
+of Lords the Emergency Powers Bill passed through all its stages in
+a single sitting. Even Lord CREWE did not challenge its necessity in
+these troublous times, but Lord ASKWITH was a little alarmed at the
+possibility that "an unreasoning Home Secretary"--as if there could
+ever be such a monster!--might be over-hasty to issue Orders in
+Council, and so exacerbate an industrial dispute.
+
+A long list of "reprisal" Questions--mercifully curtailed by the
+time-limit--was chiefly remarkable for Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD'S emphatic
+declaration that he was not going to accept the statements even of
+English newspaper correspondents against the reports of officials "for
+whom I am responsible and in whom I have confidence."
+
+Assuming that the House of Commons is, as it ought to be, a microcosm
+of the population, it will be some time before this country goes
+"dry." Members of all parties pressed upon the PRIME MINISTER the
+necessity of relaxing the regulations of the Liquor Control Board.
+His suggestion that an informal Committee should be set up to make
+recommendations to the Government was received with cheers, and there
+was much amusement when Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Lady ASTOR, who do not,
+I gather, quite see eye to eye on this subject, promptly nominated
+themselves for membership.
+
+As the PRIME MINISTER is popularly supposed to be not averse from
+appearing in the limelight, especially when there is good news to
+impart, it is pleasant to record that he left to Sir ROBERT HORNE the
+congenial task of announcing that an agreement had been reached with
+the Miners' Federation, and that the coal-strike was on the high road
+to settlement. The terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfactory to
+all parties, and the only mystery is why the negotiators should have
+required the stimulus of a strike before they could arrive at them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOWNING OF THE PEN.
+
+A little difference of opinion on the moral aspect of strikes which
+has been ventilated in _The Daily News_ has caused one correspondent
+to write: "Let us suppose that Mr. SILAS HOCKING regards the serial
+rights of one of his novels as worth £250. Suppose I offer him £100.
+What does he do? He withholds his labour; and quite right too!"
+
+But does this analogy go far enough? It would be a simple matter, for
+which we might easily console ourselves, if the author in question
+merely withheld his own labour. But if he followed modern strike
+tactics he would do more.
+
+Calling in aid the services of his brother JOSEPH, he would endeavour
+by peaceful persuasion to induce Mrs. ASQUITH, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT,
+Mrs. ELINOR GLYN, Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE and others to withhold their
+labour also. Picketing would follow, and London would be stirred to
+its depths by the news that Sir HALL CAINE was on duty outside the
+establishment of _The Sunday Pictorial_, and that Miss ETHEL M. DELL
+was in charge of the squad on the doorstep of the Amalgamated Press.
+
+Sympathetic strikes would develope. The newspaper-vendors would rise
+and demand that _The Daily Mirror_ feuilleton be suppressed, thus
+plunging the country into an agony of suspense, and railwaymen would
+cease work at the sight of any passenger immersed in the most recent
+instalment of the _Home Bits_ serial story.
+
+Mr. W. W. JACOBS would address mass meetings at the Docks, and Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC would embark on a resolute thirst-strike. At the same
+time daily newspapers would compete in offering solutions of the
+problem. One would say, "For goodness' sake give him the extra paltry
+one hundred and fifty pounds and let the country get on with its
+work;" and another would suggest a compromise at one hundred-and-fifty
+guineas, conditional upon the author's output.
+
+Far from the simple withholding of his labour by a single novelist,
+such a turmoil would ensue as would not only shake our intellectual
+life to its foundations, but would keep the PRIME MINISTER engaged in
+the exploration of interminable vistas of avenue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Mixed Education.=
+
+    "Formerly a student at Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford, her husband is
+    a Fellow of Balliol College."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Prospective Sitter_ (_with unconventional past_). "I
+ALWAYS THINK YOU GET SUCH WONDERFUL CHARACTER INTO YOUR PORTRAITS."
+
+_Artist_. "GLAD TO HEAR THAT. I ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE MY SUBJECTS'
+PORTRAITS A MIRROR OF THEIR PAST LIVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUBSTITUTE.=
+
+[Sweets are replacing alcohol.--_Vide Papers passim_.]
+
+  As more and more the god of wine
+    Grows faint from want of tippling,
+  Nor round his path the roses shine,
+    Nor purple streams are rippling;
+      As usquebaugh and malt and hops
+        No longer much entice us,
+      We crown anew with lollipops,
+      With peppermints, with acid drops,
+        The nobler Dionysus.
+
+  Bright coloured as his orient car,
+    Piled high with autumn splendours,
+  The pageants of the sweetstuffs are
+    At all the pastry-vendors;
+      From earliest flush of dawn till eight
+        The Mænad nymphs in masses,
+      With lions' help upbear the freight
+      Of marzipan and chocolate
+        And stickjaw and molasses.
+
+  The poet from whose lips of flame
+    Wine drew the songs, the full sighs,
+  Performs the business just the same
+    When masticating bull's-eyes;
+      The knight who bids a fond "Farewell,
+        Love's large, but honour's larger!"
+      Shares with the Lady Amabel
+      One last delicious caramel
+        And leaps upon his charger.
+
+  The rake inured to card-room traps,
+    Yet making fearful faces
+  Because his foes, perfidious chaps,
+    Have always all the aces--
+      "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!"
+        (The guttering candles quiver)--
+      Instead of draining brandy raw
+      Clenches a jujube in his jaw
+        And strolls towards the river.
+
+  O happier time that soothes the brain
+    And rids us of our glum fits
+  (Eliminating dry champagne)
+    With candy and with comfits!
+      The oak reflects the firelight's beam,
+        In song the moments fly by,
+      Till the old squire, his face agleam,
+      Sucking the last assorted cream,
+        Toddles away to bye-bye.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a P.S.A. notice:--
+
+    "Subject: 'A RENEWED WORLD--No Sorrow. No Pain. No Death.' No
+    Collection."--_Local Paper._
+
+The last item sounds almost too good to be true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the
+    England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited
+    Australia."--_Expensive Daily Paper._
+
+Hitherto it had been supposed that these cheerful little creatures
+only sought the kind of "ashes" that you get on the domestic hearth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WE AIN'T A BIT AFRAID, ALFY 'IGGINS. YER OWN FICE IS A
+LUMP UGLIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=A STRIKE IN FAIRYLAND.=
+
+The fairies were holding a meeting.
+
+"They grumble when we send the rain," said a Rain-fairy, "and they
+grumble when we don't."
+
+"And we get no thanks," sighed a Flower-fairy. "The time we spend
+getting the flowers ready and washing their faces and folding them up
+every night!"
+
+"As for the stars," said a Star-fairy, "we might just as well leave
+them unlit for all the gratitude we get, and it's such a rush
+sometimes to get all over the sky in time. They don't even believe in
+us. We wouldn't mind _anything_ if they believed in us."
+
+"No," agreed a Rainbow-fairy, "that's true. I take such a lot of
+trouble to get just the right colours, and it has to be done so
+quickly. But I wouldn't mind if they believed in us."
+
+"I wonder what _they_'d do," said the Queen, "if no one believed in
+them?"
+
+"They'd go on strike," said the Brown Owl (he was head of the Ministry
+of Wisdom). "They always go on strike if they don't like anything."
+
+"Then we'll go on strike," said the Queen with great determination.
+
+They all cheered, except the Flower-fairies.
+
+"But the flowers," they said, "they'll get so dusty with no one to
+wash them, and so tired with no one to fold them up at nights."
+
+"I hadn't thought of that," said the Queen. "When _they_ go on
+strike," she said to the Brown Owl, "how do things get done?"
+
+The Brown Owl considered for a moment and everyone waited in silence.
+
+"Of course there are sometimes blacklegs," he began.
+
+"I don't know what blacklegs are," said the Queen cheerfully, "but
+we'll appoint some." And she did.
+
+"Is that all?" said the Queen.
+
+"Someone ought to have a sympathetic strike with us," said the Brown
+Owl. "_They_ always do that."
+
+So a fairy was sent off to the Court of the Birds to request a
+sympathetic strike.
+
+"Is _that_ all?" said the Queen.
+
+"You ought to _talk_ more," said the Brown Owl. "_They_ talk ever so
+much."
+
+"Yes, but they can't help it, can they?" said the Queen kindly.
+
+And so the strike began that evening.
+
+None of the birds sang except one little blackleg Robin, who sang so
+hard in his efforts to make up for the rest that he was as hoarse as a
+crow the next morning. The blackleg fairies had a hard time too. They
+hadn't a minute to gossip with the flowers, as they usually did when
+they flew round with their acorn-cups of dew and thistledown sponges
+and washed their faces and folded up their petals and kissed them
+good-night.
+
+"But what's the matter?" said the flowers sleepily.
+
+"We're on strike," said one of the other fairies importantly "not for
+ourselves, but for posterity."
+
+The Brown Owl had heard _them_ say that.
+
+Meanwhile the rest of the fairies sat silent and rather mournful,
+awaiting developments.
+
+Then a Thought-fairy flew in. Thought-fairies can see into your heart
+and know just what you think. They get terrible shocks sometimes.
+
+"I've been all over the world," she said breathlessly, "and it's much
+better than you think. _All_ little girls believe in us and--" She
+paused dramatically.
+
+"Yes?" they said eagerly.
+
+"All fathers of little girls believe in us."
+
+The Queen shook her head.
+
+"They only pretend," she said.
+
+"No, that's just it," said the Thought-fairy. "They _pretend_ to
+pretend. They never tell anyone, but they really believe."
+
+"Then we'll end the strike," said the Queen.
+
+Here the Brown Owl bustled in, carrying a little note-book.
+
+"I've found out lots more," he said excitedly. "We must have an
+executive and delegates and a ballot and a union and a Sankey
+Commission report and a scale of the cost of living and a datum line
+and--"
+
+"But the strike's over," said the Queen. "It was a misunderstanding."
+
+"Of course," he said huffily. "All strikes are that, but it's correct
+to carry them on as long as possible."
+
+"And the blacklegs are to have a special reward."
+
+"That's illogical," muttered the Brown Owl.
+
+He was right, of course, but things _are_ illogical in Fairyland.
+That's the nicest part of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Salesman_. "IT IS POSSIBLE THAT IT MAY INTEREST YOU
+TO KNOW THAT OUR CAR WAS DRIVEN UP ALL THE FLIGHTS OF STEPS AT THE
+CRYSTAL PALACE."
+
+_Inquiring Visitor_. "WELL--ER--NOT MUCH. YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A
+BUNGALOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fears are entertained that the chalice, which is of silver-gilt,
+    may have been broken up and investments profaned."--_Daily
+    Herald._
+
+We should have thought that our Communistic contemporary was the last
+paper that would have considered investments sacred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "K. T. B---- and T. W. H----, both of Liverpool, who were in
+    company with Mr. L---- in the car, agreed that the speed was about
+    fifty-one miles an hour. On the gradient and at the turn it was
+    not safe to travel faster."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+One of those examples of "Safety First" which we are always pleased to
+chronicle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  =THE OPENING RUN.=
+
+  The rain-sodden grass in the ditches is dying;
+    The berries are red to the crest of the thorn;
+  Coronet-deep where the beech-leaves are lying
+    The hunters stand tense to the twang of the horn;
+  Where rides are refilled with the green of the mosses,
+    All foam-flecked and fretful their long line is strung;
+  You can see the white gleam as a starred forehead tosses,
+    You can hear the low chink as a bit-bar is flung.
+
+  The world's full of music. Hounds rustle the rover
+    Through brushwood and fern to a glad "Gone away!"
+  With a "Come along, Pilot!"--one spur-touch and over--
+    The huntsman is clear on his galloping grey;
+  Before him the pack's running straight on the stubble--
+    "_Toot-toot-too-too-too-oot!_" "_Tow-row-ow-ow-ow!_"
+  The leaders are clambering up through the double
+    And glittering away on the brown of the plough.
+
+  The front rank, hands down, have the big fence's measure;
+    The faint-hearts are craning to left and to right;
+  The Master goes through with a crash on "The Treasure;"
+    The grey takes the lot like a gull in his flight;
+  There's a brown crumpled up, lying still as a dead one;
+    There's a roan mare refusing, as stubborn as sin;
+  While the breaker flogs up on a green underbred one
+    And smashes the far-away rail with a grin.
+
+  The chase carries on over hilltop and hollow,
+    The life of Old England, the pluck and the fun;
+  And who would ask more than a stiff line to follow
+    With hounds running hard in the Opening Run?
+
+  W. H. O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN PRAISE OF THE PELICANS.
+
+  The pelicans in St. James's Park
+  On every day from dawn to dark
+  Pursue, inscrutable of mien,
+  A fixed unvarying routine.
+  Whatever be the wind or weather
+  They spend their time in peace together,
+  And plainly nothing can upset
+  The harmony of their quartet.
+
+  Most punctually by the clock
+  They roost upon or quit their rock,
+  Or swim ashore and hold their levée,
+  Lords of the mixed lacustrine bevy;
+  Or with their slow unwieldy gait
+  Their green domain perambulate,
+  Or with prodigious flaps and prances
+  Indulge in their peculiar dances,
+  Returning to their feeding-ground
+  What time the keeper goes his round
+  With fish and scraps for their nutrition
+  After laborious deglutition.
+
+  Calm, self-sufficing, self-possessed,
+  They never mingle with the rest,
+  Watching with not unfriendly eye
+  The antics of the lesser fry,
+  Save when bold sparrows draw too near
+  Their mighty beaks--and disappear.
+
+  Outlandish birds, at times grotesque,
+  And yet superbly picturesque,
+  Although resignedly we mourn
+  A Park dismantled and forlorn,
+  Long may it be ere you forsake
+  Your quarters on the minished Lake;
+  For there, with splendid plumes and hues
+  And ways that startle and amuse,
+  You constantly refresh the eye
+  And cheer the heart of passers-by,
+  Untouched by years of shock and strain,
+  Undeviatingly urbane,
+  And lending London's commonplace
+  A touch of true heraldic grace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RING IN THE OLD.
+
+There is a shabby-looking man who (I read it in _The Times_) rings the
+bell of London hospitals, asks to see the secretary, presumes (as is
+always a safe thing to do) that the establishment is grievously in
+need of funds, and without any further parley hands to the startled
+but gratified official bank-notes to the tune of five hundred pounds.
+He then vanishes without giving name or address. This unknown
+benefactor is dressed in top-boots, riding breeches of honourable
+antiquity, a black coat green with age and a "Cup Final" cap. At the
+same time (this too on _The Times'_ authority) there is an oddly and
+obsolescently attired lady going about who also makes London hospitals
+her hobby. She begins by asking the secretary if she may take off her
+boots, and, receiving permission, takes them off, places her feet on
+an adjacent chair and hands him two thousand pounds.
+
+The result of the activities of these angelic visitants is that all
+the other hospital porters have had instructions from their eager
+and hopeful secretaries to be careful to be polite to any and every
+person, even though he or she should be in rags, who expresses the
+faintest desire to enter on business; more than polite--solicitous,
+welcoming, cordial; while all the secretaries are at this moment
+polishing up their smiles and practising an easy manner with ladies in
+last century costumes who put sudden and unexpected requests.
+
+_The Times_, in limiting the effect of these curious occurrences
+entirely to hospital servants, seems to me to lose a great
+opportunity. Surely the consequences will be more wide-reaching than
+that? To my mind we may even go so far as to hail the dawn of the
+golden age for old clothes; for in the fear that shabbiness may
+be merely a whimsical disguise or the mark of a millionaire's
+eccentricity the whole world (which is very imitative and very hard
+up) will begin to fawn upon it, and then at last many of us will enter
+the earthly paradise.
+
+But the gentleman who puts ease before elegance and the lady who
+prefers comfort to convention have got to work a little harder yet.
+They must not fold their hands at the moment under the impression that
+their labours are done. The support of hospitals is humane and only
+too necessary, and all honour to them for their generosity; but other
+spheres of action await exploration.
+
+I had hoped that the War was going to reform ideas on dress and make
+things more simple for those whose trouser-knees go baggy so soon and
+remain thus for so long; but, like too many of the expectations which
+we used to foster, this also has failed. It is therefore the benign
+couple who must carry on the good work. Let them, if they really love
+their fellow-creatures, go to a wedding or two (having previously
+given a present of sufficient value to ensure respect) and display
+their careless garb among the guests, and then in a little while old
+garments would at these exacting functions become as fashionable as
+new and we should all be happier.
+
+I was asked to a wedding last week, and should have accepted but for
+the great Smart Clothes tradition. If _The Times'_ hero and heroine
+were to become imaginatively busy as I suggest, I could go to all the
+weddings in the world. (Heaven forbid!) Receptions, formal lunches,
+the laying of stones, the unveiling of monuments, private views--these
+ceremonies, now so full of terrors for any but the dressy, could be
+made endurable if only the gentleman in the black coat green with age
+and the lady with the elastic sides would show themselves prominently
+and receive conspicuous attentions.
+
+And then, if any more statues were needed for the police to keep
+their waterproofs on, one of them should be that of an unknown
+philanthropical gentleman who wears venerable top-boots, and another
+that of a philanthropical lady who would rather be without any boots
+at all, and the inscription on the pedestals would state that their
+glorious achievement was this: They made old clothes the thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD BEER FLAGON.
+
+(_Many old English flagons are adorned inside with grotesque figures
+of animals_.)
+
+  Within my foaming flagon
+    There crawls on countless legs
+  A lazy grinning dragon
+    That wallows in the dregs;
+  Of old I saw him nightly
+    Look up with friendly leer,
+  As if to hint politely,
+    "I share your taste in beer!"
+
+  Through merry nights unnumbered
+    (From Boxing Day to Yule)
+  He'd greet me, ere I slumbered,
+    From out his amber pool;
+  But now he is beginning
+    To look a trifle strange;
+  His smile, once wide and winning,
+    Has undergone a change.
+
+  No more, as pints diminish
+    (I wish the price grew less)
+  He hails me at the finish
+  With wonted cheeriness;
+  For, as I drain my mellow
+    Allowances of ale,
+  He seems to sigh, "Old fellow,
+  _Will_ PUSSYFOOT prevail?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "Cleaning and pressing suites, $3. Dyeing and pressing suits, $6.
+    Clothes returned looking like now."
+
+    _Advt. in_ "_Standard_" (_Buenos Aires_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "As a woman and a ratepayer, I realise the importance
+    of eliminating all unavoidable expenditure in Municipal
+    undertakings."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+We trust she will be elected and show how it's done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After an interval of seven years, the 'Beasts' Ball, a pre-war
+    popular annual event in aid of the Royal Society for Prevention of
+    Cruelty to Animals, is to be held at the Guildhall, on Wednesday,
+    November 10. Tickets can be obtained from Mrs. Bushe-Fox and from
+    Mrs. Wolf."--_Cambridge Review._
+
+It sounds just like _Uncle Remus_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE.=
+
+"WHAT'S THE KID SHOUTING ABOUT? THERE AIN'T NO RACING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.=
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+"Two households, both alike in dignity...." I ask you, could the
+novel, of which this quotation is the text, have been written by
+anyone but Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY? Actually indeed the disputants belong
+to two branches of the same family, that grim tribe of _Forsytes_,
+whom you remember in _The Man of Property_, and of whose collective
+history the present book is a further instalment (not, I fancy, the
+last). I should certainly advise anyone not already familiar with the
+former work to get up his _Forsytes_ therein before attacking this;
+otherwise he may risk some discouragement from the plunge into so
+numerous a clan, known for the most part only by Christian names, with
+their complex relationships and the mass of bygone happenings that
+unites or separates them. This stage of the tribal history is called
+_In Chancery_ (HEINEMANN), chiefly from the state of suspended
+animation experienced by the now middle-aged _Soames_ ("Man of
+Property") with regard to his never-divorced runaway wife _Irene_.
+Following the ruling _Forsyte_ instinct, _Soames_ wants a son who
+will keep together and even increase his great possessions, while
+continuing his personality. The expiring generation, represented by
+_James_, is urgent upon this duty to the family. You may imagine what
+Mr. GALSWORTHY makes of it all. These possessive persons, with their
+wealth, their hatred and affections and their various strongholds in
+the more eminently desirable parts of residential London, affect one
+like portions of some monstrous stone-fronted edifice, impressive but
+repellent. I have some curiosity to see, with Mr. GALSWORTHY'S help,
+how the _Forsyte_ castle stands the disintegration of 1914-18.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What with the scientists who explain things on the assumption that we
+know nearly as much as they do and those who explain things on the
+assumption that we know nothing, it is very difficult for you and me
+to persevere in our original determination to learn _something_. But I
+have always felt that Sir RAY LANKESTER is one of the very few who do
+understand us, and I feel it still more strongly now that I have read
+his _Secrets of Earth and Sea_ (METHUEN). He is instructive but human;
+he does not take it for granted that we know what miscegenation means,
+but he does credit us with a little intelligence. And he realises how
+many arguments we have had about questions like "Why does the sea look
+blue?" Personally I rushed at that chapter, though I must say that
+I was a little disappointed to find that the gist of his answer was
+"Because water _is_ blue." You see, if you had a tooth-glass fifteen
+feet high and filled it with water--But you must find out for
+yourself. Then I went on to the chapter on Coal, and discovered that
+"it is fairly certain that the blacker coal which we find in strata of
+great geological age was so produced by the action of special kinds of
+bacteria upon peat-like masses of vegetable refuse." I wonder if Mr.
+SMILLIE knows that. It might help him to a sense of proportion. The
+author is constantly setting up a surprising but stimulating relation
+between the naturalist's researches and the problems of human life, as
+when he observes that "the 'colour bar' is not merely the invention of
+human prejudice, but already exists in wild plants and animals," and
+in his remarks on mongrels and the regrettable subjection of the males
+of many species. There are chapters on Wheel Animalcules, Vesuvius,
+Prehistoric Art--everything--and all are admirably illustrated. A
+fascinating book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Diary of a Journalist_ (MURRAY) is a volume of which the title is
+its own sufficient description, save that it leaves unsuggested the
+interest that such briskly written and comprehensive comments as these
+of our old friend, Sir HENRY LUCY, must command. His book differs from
+most of those in the flood of recollections that has lately broken
+upon us in being a selection from "impressions of the moment written
+without knowledge of the ultimate result." In these stray moments
+between the years 1885 and 1917 I find at least two examples in which
+this ignorance of the final event adds much to the interest of the
+immediate record--the startling forecast of the EX-KAISER'S destiny,
+entered in the Diary under November '98; and the mention, long before
+the actual illness of KING EDWARD declared itself, of the growing
+belief in certain circles that his coronation would never take place.
+It is at once obvious that not even "TOBY'S" three previous volumes
+have by any means exhausted his fund of good stories, the scenes of
+which range from Westminster to Bouverie Street, and round half the
+stately (or, at least, interesting) homes of England. Of them all--not
+forgetting DISRAELI and the peacocks and a new W. S. GILBERT--my
+personal choice would be for the mystery of the Unknown Guest, who not
+only took a place, but was persuaded to speak, at a private dinner
+given by Sir JOHN HARE at the Garrick Club, without anyone ever
+knowing who he was or how he came there. A genial lucky-bag book,
+which (despite unusually full chapter headings) would be improved by
+an index to its many prizes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JAMES HILTON is very young and very clever. If, as he grows older,
+he learns to be clever about more interesting things he ought to write
+some very good novels. _Catherine Herself_ (UNWIN) has red hair, but
+then she has a rather more red-haired disposition than most red-haired
+heroines have to justify it, so this is not my real objection to
+the book. My quarrel is that, though I cannot call it an ugly story
+without giving a false impression, it is certainly a quite unbeautiful
+one, and at the end of its three hundred and more pages it has
+achieved nothing but a full-length portrait of an utterly selfish
+woman. Mr. HILTON has dissected her most brilliantly; but I don't
+think she is worth it. Catherines, whether they marry or are given in
+marriage, or do anything else, are really stationary; and, since the
+persons of a story, if it is to be worth telling, must move in some
+direction, Mr. HILTON will be well advised in future to choose a
+different type of heroine. I want to say too that I don't believe that
+it is either so easy or so profitable to become a well-known pianist
+"not in the front rank" as he seems to imagine it is. I wish I could
+think that no one else would believe him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Knight_ (_to his henchman_). "EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT,
+PERKINS? YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANYTHING? WHAT'S THAT?"
+
+_Henchman_. "IT'S THE PORTRAIT OF YOUR LADY, SIR, THAT YOU PROMISED TO
+TAKE INTO BATTLE WITH YOU, SIR."
+
+_Knight_. "DID I? WELL, I MUST E'EN KEEP MY WORD. FASTEN IT ON MY
+BACK. ONE NEVER KNOWS--IT MAY BE USEFUL IN CASE OF A REVERSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems rather a bright idea of C. NINA BOYLE to dedicate "to THEA
+and IRENE, whose lives have lain in sheltered ways," a seven-shilling
+shocker about ways that are anything but sheltered. Perhaps the
+sheltered in general, and Thea and Irene in particular, will take it
+from me that the villainies of _Out of the Frying Pan_ are much
+larger than life or, at any rate, much more concentrated, and that
+pseudo-orphans like _Maisie_ usually have a better chance of getting
+out of frying-pans into something cool than the author allows her
+heroine. I also submit that there was nothing in _Maisie's_ equipment
+to suggest that she would have been quite so slow in separating goats
+from sheep. But let me say that THEA and IRENE have had dedicated to
+them an exciting and amusing _fritto misto_ of crooks, demi-mondaines,
+blackmailers, gamblers, roués, murderers, receivers and decent
+congenital idiots of all sorts. The characterisation is adroitly done
+and the workmanship avoids that slovenliness which makes nineteen out
+of twenty books of this kind a weariness of spirit to the perceptive.
+I wonder if _Maisie_ with such a father and mother would have been
+such a darling. Perhaps Professor KARL PEARSON will explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Hon. William Toppys_ (pronounced "Tops"), brother of _Lord
+Topsham_, left Devonshire and retired to an island in the Torres
+Straits. There he married a Melanesian woman and became the father of
+a frizzy-haired and coffee-coloured son. It is a little strange to
+me, who think of Mr. BENNET COPPLESTONE as Devonian to the tip of his
+pen-finger, that the _Hon. William_ is not rebuked for so shamelessly
+deserting his native county. Instead he is almost applauded for his
+wisdom, and this despite the fact that he quite spoilt the look of the
+family tree with his exotic graft. For in the course of time his
+son, insularly known as _Willatopy_, inherited the title and became
+twenty-eighth (no less) _Baron of Topsham_. Mr. COPPLESTONE does not
+realise the vast difference between light comedy and broad farce, but
+apart from this substantial reservation I can vouch that his yarn of
+_Madame Gilbert's Cannibal_ (MURRAY) is deftly spun. Should you decide
+to follow the famous _Madame Gilbert_ when she visits the island where
+the twenty-eighth baron lived you will witness a lively and unusual
+entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 355: "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!" [double quote
+added]. Page 356: "_They_ always do that." [double quote inserted].
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 3, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: March 15, 2006 [EBook #17994]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>November 3rd, 1920.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page341" id="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>
+"After all," asks a writer, "why
+shouldn't Ireland have a Parliament, like
+England?" Quite frankly we do not
+like this idea of retaliation while more
+humane methods are still unexplored.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"The miners' strike," says a music-hall
+journal, "has given one song-writer
+the idea for a ragtime song." It is only
+fair to say that Mr. <span class="sc">Smillie</span> had no idea
+that his innocent little man&oelig;uvre would
+lead to this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The Admiralty does not propose to
+publish an official account of the Battle
+of Jutland. Indeed the impression is
+gaining ground that this battle will
+have to be cancelled.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+We are asked to deny
+that, following upon the
+publication of <i>Mirrors of
+Downing Street</i>, by "A
+Gentleman with a Duster,"
+Lord <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> is about to
+dedicate to Sir <span class="sc">Claude
+Champion de Crespigny</span>
+a book entitled <i>A Peer with
+a Knuckle-Duster</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Mr. Lloyd George seems
+to have had his hair 'bobbed'
+recently," says a
+gossip-writer in a Sunday
+paper. Mr. <span class="sc">Hodges</span> still
+sticks to the impression
+that it was really two-bobbed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Cigars discovered in
+the possession of Edward
+Fischer, in New York," says a news
+item, "were found to contain only
+tobacco." Very rarely do we come
+across a case like that in England.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Water," says a member of the
+L.C.C., "is being sold at a loss." But
+not in our whisky, we regret to say.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+What is claimed to be the largest
+shell ever made has been turned out by
+the Hecla Works, Sheffield. It may
+shortly be measured for a war to fit it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A taxi-driver who knocked a man
+down in Gracechurch Street has summoned
+him for using abusive language.
+It seems a pity that pedestrians cannot
+be knocked down without showing their
+temper like this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+After months of experiment at Thames
+Ditton the question of an artificial limb
+of light metal has been solved. It is
+said to be just the thing for Tube-travellers
+to carry as a spare.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+In connection with Mr. <span class="sc">Pringle's</span>
+recent visit to Ireland we are asked to
+say that he was not sent there as a
+reprisal.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">George Lansbury</span> recently told
+a Poplar audience why he went to
+Australia many years ago. No explanation
+was offered of his return.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A coal-porter summoned for income-tax
+at West Ham Police Court said
+that his wages averaged eight hundred
+pounds a year. We think it only fair
+to say that there must be labouring
+men here and there who earn even less
+than that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"The thief," says a weekly paper
+report, "entered the house by way of
+the front-door." We can only suppose
+that the burglars' entrance was locked
+at the time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A small boy, born in a Turkish harem,
+is said to have forty-eight step-mothers
+living. Our office-boy, however, is still
+undefeated in the matter of recently
+defunct grandmothers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The number of accidental deaths in
+France is attaining alarming proportions.
+It is certainly time that a stop
+was put to the quaint custom of duelling.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A rat that looks like a kangaroo and
+barks like a prairie dog is reported in
+Texas, says <i>The Columbia Record</i>. We
+can only say that, when we last heard
+that one, it was an elephant with white
+trunk and pink eyes.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Why do leaders of the Bar wear
+such ill-fitting clothes?" asks a contemporary.
+A sly dig, we presume, at
+their brief bags.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A reduction in prices is what every
+housewife in the land is looking for,
+says <i>The Daily Express</i>. It is not
+known how our contemporary got
+hold of this idea.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+There is no truth in the report that
+<i>The Daily Mail</i> has offered a prize of
+a hundred pounds to the first person
+who can prove that it has been talking through
+its prize hat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"What should <i>The Daily Mail</i> hat
+be worn with?" asks an enthusiast.
+"Characteristic modesty" is the right
+answer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Emigrants to Canada, it is stated,
+now include an increasingly large
+proportion of skilled workers. Fortunately,
+thanks to the high
+wages they earn at home,
+we are not losing the services
+of our skilled loafers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A burglar who was recently
+sentenced in the
+Glasgow Police Court was
+captured while in the act
+of lowering a chest of
+drawers out of a window
+with a rope. The old
+method of taking the house
+home and extracting the
+furniture at leisure is still
+considered the safest by
+conservative house-breakers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Found under a bed in a
+strange house at Grimsby,
+a man told the police who
+arrested him that he was
+looking for work. It was pointed out
+to him that the usual place for men
+looking for work is in bed, not under it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+In a recent case a Hull bargee gave
+his name as <span class="sc">Alfaina Swash</span>. Nevertheless
+the Court did not decide to hear
+the rest of his evidence <i>in camera</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A cyclist who stopped to watch a stag-hunt
+near Tivington Cross, in Somerset,
+was tossed into the hedge by the
+stag. On behalf of the beast it is
+claimed that the cyclist was off-side.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/341.png"><img src="images/341-600.png" width="600" height="429" alt="She don't 'arf swank since 'er farver was knocked over by a Rolls-Royce." /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">She don't 'arf swank since 'er farver was knocked over by
+a Rolls-Royce</span>."</p>
+</div>
+<br /><br />
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Czecho-Slovaks will shortly be able
+to see the successful play, 'The Right to
+Stroke.'"&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Good news for the local pussies.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The first annual dinner of the &mdash;&mdash; Club
+was held in the Club Rooms on Saturday
+evening, a large number sitting down to an
+excellent coal collation."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Surely a little extravagant in these
+times.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page342" id="page342"></a>[pg 342]</span>
+
+<h3>THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS GERMAN FRIENDS.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel;</p>
+<p>Defenceless victims ye are, in claws of spite a prey.</p>
+
+<p class="i4"><span style="font-size: 0.7em;">
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*
+ </span></p>
+
+<p>Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done</p>
+<p>On Satan's chamberlains highseated in Berlin;</p>
+<p>Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun:</p>
+<p>Tho' in craven Germany was no man found, not one</p>
+<p>With spirit enough to cry Shame!&mdash;Nay but on such sin</p>
+<p>Follows Perdition eternal ... and it has begun."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="author">
+<i>The <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span>, in "The Times," November 4th, 1918.</i></p>
+
+<p>
+"The letter [of reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., 'to their
+fellows in Germany'] is written ... with the recognition that we
+have both of us been provoked to 'animosities' which we desire to
+put aside ... The commonest objection was that the action was
+'premature'&mdash;my own feeling being that of shame for having vainly
+waited so long in deference to political complications, and that shame
+was intolerably increasing ... It is undiscerning not to see that
+at a critical moment of extreme tension they [the German Professors]
+allowed their passion to get the better of them."</p>
+<p>
+<i>The <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span>, in "The Times," October 27th, 1920</i>.</p>
+<p>
+[The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to do
+full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's craftsmanship.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Such people as lacked the leisure to peruse</p>
+    <p class="i2">My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long</p>
+    <p class="i2">In <i>The Times</i>, may like me, as having the gift of song,</p>
+  <p>To prosodise succinctly my private views.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Did I cry Shame! in November, 1918,</p>
+    <p class="i2">On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell?</p>
+  <p>Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean</p>
+    <p class="i2">My soul of a wrong that grew intolerable.</p>
+  <p>What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds?</p>
+    <p class="i2">Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds;</p>
+  <p>We too were vexed and wanted our fellows' gore,</p>
+  <p>Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension</p>
+  <p>Which in our calmer hours we should never mention.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Dons in their academic ignorance blind,</p>
+    <p class="i2">With passions like to our own as pea to pea,</p>
+  <p>Shall we await in them a change of mind?</p>
+    <p class="i2">Shall we require a repentant apology?</p>
+  <p>Or in a generous spasm anticipate</p>
+    <p class="i2">The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress</p>
+    <p class="i2">Of labour involved in planning new frightfulness,</p>
+  <p>They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate?</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow</p>
+    <p class="i2">"Perdition eternal"; Heaven would make this its care,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare.</p>
+  <p>Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow,</p>
+  <p>Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence,</p>
+    <p class="i2">That a few brief years of Coventry, of denied</p>
+    <p class="i2">Communion with Culture&mdash;used in the Oxford sense&mdash;</p>
+  <p>Are ample for getting our difference rectified.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>What is a Laureate paid for, I ask <i>The Times</i>,</p>
+  <p>If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes?</p>
+  <p>I stamp my foot on my wrath's last smouldering ember,</p>
+  <p>And for my motto I take "<i>Lest we remember</i>."</p></div>
+
+  <div class="stanza">
+  <p class="i40">O. S.</p>
+  </div>
+  </div>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY.</h3>
+<p>
+I let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting
+on one of those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers
+for persons of second quality who are bidden to wait in
+the hall.</p>
+<p>
+"You want to see me?" I inquired. "Yes; what is it?"</p>
+<p>
+"I have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with
+your laundry."</p>
+<p>
+"Far from it," I said. "It is kind of you to ask, but why?"</p>
+<p>
+"Because I wish to solicit your custom for the laundry
+I represent."</p>
+<p>
+"What faults do you specialise in?" I inquired.</p>
+<p>
+"I beg your pardon, Madam?"</p>
+<p>
+"Will you send home my husband's collars with an edge
+like a dissipated saw?"</p>
+<p>
+The young woman's face brightened with comprehension.</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, no, Madam," she replied. "We exercise the greatest
+care with gentlemen's stand-up collars."</p>
+<p>
+"Will you shrink my combinations to the size of a doll's?"</p>
+<p>
+An expression of horror invaded her countenance. "The
+utmost precaution," she asserted, "is taken to prevent the
+shrinkage of woollens."</p>
+<p>
+"Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to two
+hems connected by a few stray rags in the middle?"</p>
+<p>
+The young woman was aghast. "All towels are handled
+as gently as possible to avoid tearing," she replied.</p>
+<p>
+"How about handkerchiefs?" I asked. "I dislike to
+find myself grasping my bare nose through a hole in the
+centre."</p>
+<p>
+The suggestion made my visitor laugh.</p>
+<p>
+"Are you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread,
+impossible to extricate, into conspicuous parts of one's
+clothing?"</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, no, Madam," she asseverated; "no linen is allowed
+to leave our establishment with any disfiguring marks."</p>
+<p>
+"You never, I suppose, return clothing dirtier than when
+it reached you?" I proceeded.</p>
+<p>
+Suppressed scorn that I could believe in such a possibility
+flashed momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an
+emphatic denial.</p>
+<p>
+"Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging
+to other people while one's own are missing?"</p>
+<p>
+"Never, I can assure you, Madam."</p>
+<p>
+"Does the man who delivers the washing habitually turn
+the basket upside down so that the heavy things below
+crush all the delicate frilly things that ought to be on top?"</p>
+<p>
+She seemed incapable of conceiving that such perverted
+creatures could exist.</p>
+<p>
+"Do they never whistle in an objectionable manner
+while waiting for the soiled clothes?"</p>
+<p>
+"Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madam."</p>
+<p>
+"Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does
+to me, and even more, and when I write to complain they
+disregard my letters."</p>
+<p>
+"We rarely have complaints, Madam, and all such receive
+prompt attention. I can give references in this street&mdash;in
+this block of flats even."</p>
+<p>
+"Well," said I, "if you like to give me a card I am willing
+to let you have a trial."</p>
+<p>
+The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and
+handed me a card.</p>
+<p>
+"The Superfection Laundry," I read with amazement.
+"Surely there must be some mistake?"</p>
+<p>
+"Are you not Mrs. Fulton?" asked the young woman.</p>
+<p>
+"No, you have come a floor too high. Mrs. Fulton lives
+in the flat below me."</p>
+<p>
+"I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see
+Mrs. Fulton. But all the same may we not add you to the
+list of our customers?"</p>
+<p>
+"Impossible," I said.</p>
+<p>
+"May I ask your reasons, Madam?"</p>
+<p>
+"Because the laundry I employ at present is the Superfection."</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h4>The Church Militant in the Near East.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30;
+one of the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some
+6 miles to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken
+by the Cassocks."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page343" id="page343"></a>[pg 343]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;">
+<a href="images/343.png"><img src="images/343-350.png" width="350" height="450" alt="OUR VILLAGE SIGN." /></a>
+<p class="center">OUR VILLAGE SIGN.</p>
+</div>
+
+<br /><hr /><br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/344.png"><img src="images/344-600.png" width="600" height="404" alt="Hit him where you like, dear&mdash;it's my husband." /></a>
+<p><i>The Guest (exasperated with waiting).</i> <span class="sc">"I've a good mind to drive off, but I'm afraid of hitting that idiot in front."</span></p>
+<p><i>The Hostess.</i> <span class="sc">"Hit him where you like, dear&mdash;it's my husband."</span></p>
+
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page344" id="page344"></a>[pg 344]</span>
+
+
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>PROOF POSITIVE.</h3>
+<p>
+This kind of thing had been going
+on morning after morning until I was
+quite tired.</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;  You ought to get hold of a
+good dog.</p>
+<p>
+It is extraordinary how many things
+one ought to get hold of in the country.
+Sometimes it is a wood-chopper and
+sometimes a couple of hundred cabbages,
+and sometimes a cartload of
+manure, and sometimes a few good
+hens. I find this very exhausting to
+the grip.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; What for?</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; To watch your house.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; I do not wish to inflict pain on a
+good dog. What kind of a dog ought
+it to be?</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, a mastiff.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Isn't that rather a smooth kind of
+dog? If I have to get hold of a dog, I
+should like one with rather a rougher
+surface.</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Try an Irish terrier.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; I have. They fight.</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Not unless they're provoked.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Nobody fights unless he is provoked.
+But more things provoke an
+Irish terrier than one might imagine.
+The postman provoked my old one so
+much that it bit the letters out of his
+hand and ate them.</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, you didn't get any bills,
+then.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;  Yes, I did. Bills always came
+when the dog was away for the week-end.
+He was a great week-ender,
+and he always came back from week-ends
+with more and more pieces out of
+his ears until at last they were all
+gone, and he couldn't hear us when we
+called him.</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;  Well, there are plenty of other
+sorts. You might have a Chow or an
+Airedale or a boar-hound.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;  Thank you, I do not hunt boars.
+Besides, all the dogs you mention are
+very expensive nowadays. In the War
+it was quite different. You could collect
+dogs for practically nothing then.
+My company used to have more than
+a dozen dogs parading with it every
+day. They had never seen so many
+men so willing to go for so many long
+walks before. They thought the Millennium
+had come. A proposal was
+made that they should be taught to
+form fours and march in the rear. But,
+like all great strategical plans, it was
+stifled by red tape. After that&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;  You are getting away from
+the point. If you really want a good
+cheap dog&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Ah, I thought you were coming to
+that. You know of a good cheap dog?</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; The gardener of my sister-in-law's
+aunt has an extremely good cheap
+dog.</p>
+<p>
+<i>I.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; And would it watch my house?</p>
+<p>
+<i>They.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp; Most intently.</p>
+<p>
+That is how Trotsky came to us.
+Nobody but a reckless propagandist
+would say that he is either a mastiff or
+a boar-hound, though he once stopped
+when we came to a pig. I do not mind
+that. What I do mind is their saying,
+now that they have palmed him off on
+me, "I saw you out with your what-ever-it-is
+yesterday," or "I did not
+know you had taken to sheep-breeding,"
+or "What is that thing you have
+tied up to the kennel at the back?"
+There seems to be something about the
+animal's tail that does not go with its
+back, or about its legs that does not go
+with its nose, or about its eyes that does
+not go with its fur. If it is fur, that is
+to say. And the eyes are a different
+colour and seem to squint a little. They
+say that one of them is a wall-eye. I
+think that is the one he watches the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page345" id="page345"></a>[pg 345]</span>
+house with. Personally I consider that
+they are very handsome eyes in their
+own different lines, and my opinion is
+that he is a Mull-terrier; or possibly a
+Rum. Anyhow he is a good dog to get
+hold of, for he is very curly.</p>
+<p>
+The village policeman came round to
+the house the other day. I think he
+really came to talk to the cook, but I
+fell into conversation with him.</p>
+<p>
+"You ought to be getting a licence
+for that dog of yours," he said.</p>
+<p>
+"What dog?" I asked.</p>
+<p>
+"Why, you've got a dog tied up at
+the back there, haven't you?" he said.</p>
+<p>
+"Have I?" said I.</p>
+<p>
+And we went out and looked at it
+together. Trotsky looked at me with
+one eye and at the policeman with the
+other, and he wagged his tail. At least
+I am not sure that he wagged it;
+"shook" would be a better word.</p>
+<p>
+"Where did you get it?" he inquired.</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, I just got hold of it," I said
+airily. "It's rather good, don't you
+think?"</p>
+<p>
+He stood for some time in doubt.</p>
+<p>
+"It's a dog," he said at last.</p>
+<p>
+I shook him warmly by the hand.</p>
+<p>
+"You have taken a great load off
+my mind," I told him. "I will get a
+licence at once."</p>
+<p>
+This will score off them pretty badly.</p>
+<p>
+After all you can't go behind a Government
+certificate, can you?</p>
+<p class="author">
+<span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 344px;">
+<a href="images/345.png"><img src="images/345-344.png" width="344" height="450" alt="She's just bin givin' me notice." /></a>
+<p><i>Caller.</i> <span class="sc">"Is Mrs. Jones at home?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Cook-General.</i> <span class="sc">"She is, but she ain't 'ardly in a fit state to see anybody.
+She's just bin givin' me notice."</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE CRY OF THE ADULT AUTHOR.</h3>
+<p>
+[The "Diarist" of <i>The Westminster Gazette</i>,
+in the issue of October 25th, utters a poignant
+<i>cri de c&oelig;ur</i> over what he regards as one of the
+great tragedies of the time&mdash;the crowding-out
+of the "genuine craftsmen" of journalism and
+letters by Cabinet Ministers, notoriety-mongers
+and, above all, by sloppy infant prodigies.]</p>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Oh, bitter are the insults</p>
+    <p class="i2">And bitter is the shame</p>
+  <p>Heaped on deserving authors</p>
+    <p class="i2">Of high and strenuous aim,</p>
+  <p>When all the best booksellers</p>
+    <p class="i2">Their shelves and windows cram</p>
+  <p>With novels from the nursery</p>
+    <p class="i2">And poems from the pram.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>In recent Autumn seasons</p>
+    <p class="i2">Writers of age mature</p>
+  <p>(From eighteen up to thirty)</p>
+    <p class="i2">Of sympathy were sure;</p>
+  <p><i>Now</i> publishers their portals</p>
+    <p class="i2">On everybody slam</p>
+  <p>Save novelists from the nursery</p>
+    <p class="i2">And poets from the pram.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Unfairly <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span></p>
+     <p class="i2">Invades the Sunday sheets;</p>
+  <p>Unfairly <span class="sc">Mrs. Asquith</span></p>
+    <p class="i2">With serious scribes competes;</p>
+  <p>But these are minor evils&mdash;</p>
+    <p class="i2">What makes me cuss and damn</p>
+  <p>Are novels from the nursery</p>
+    <p class="i2">And poems from the pram.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>When on the concert platform</p>
+    <p class="i2">The prodigy appears</p>
+  <p>I do not grudge his welcome,</p>
+    <p class="i2">The clappings and the cheers;</p>
+  <p>But I can't forgive the people</p>
+    <p class="i2">Who down our throats would cram</p>
+  <p>The novelists from the nursery,</p>
+    <p class="i2">The poets from the pram.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>I met a (once) best seller,</p>
+    <p class="i2">And I took him by the hand,</p>
+  <p>And asked, "How's <span class="sc">Opal Whiteley</span></p>
+    <p class="i2">And how does <span class="sc">Daisy</span> stand?"</p>
+  <p>He answered, "I can only</p>
+    <p class="i2">See sloppiness and sham</p>
+  <p>In novels from the nursery</p>
+    <p class="i2">And poems from the pram."</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>If I were only despot,</p>
+    <p class="i2">To end this painful feud</p>
+  <p>I'd banish straight to Mespot</p>
+    <p class="i2">The scribbling infant brood,</p>
+  <p>And bar the importation,</p>
+    <p class="i2">By that hustler, Uncle Sam,</p>
+  <p>Of novels from the nursery</p>
+    <p class="i2">And poems from the pram.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<br /><hr /><br /><br />
+<p>
+From an account of Sir <span class="sc">J. Forbes-Robertson's</span>
+<i>début</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It was interesting to remember that in
+the audience on that occasion were Dante,
+Gabriel, Rossetti and Algernon Charles Swinburne."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial
+Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+The archangel was a great catch.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When the Royal Cream horses were dispersed
+from the royal stables, one or two golf
+clubs made an endeavour to get one of these
+fine animals, and Ranelagh and Sandy Lodge
+were fortunate to secure them. The horses
+look fine on the course behind the mower."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Shoving, we suppose, for all they are
+worth.</p>
+
+<br /><hr /><br /><br />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page346" id="page346"></a>[pg 346]</span>
+
+
+<h2>EUCLID IN REAL LIFE.</h2>
+<p>
+If it was not for the paper-shortage
+I should at once re-write <span class="sc">Euclid</span>, or
+those parts of him which I understand.
+The trouble about old <span class="sc">Euclid</span> was that
+he had no soul, and few of his books
+have that emotional appeal for which
+we look in these days. My aim would
+be to bring home his discoveries to the
+young by clothing them with human
+interest; and I should at the same
+time demonstrate to the adult how
+often they might be made practically
+useful in everyday life. When one
+thinks of the times one draws a straight
+line at right angles to another straight
+line, and how seldom one does it <span class="sc">Euclid's</span>
+way ... every time one writes
+a T....</p>
+<p>
+Well, let us take, for example&mdash;</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Book III., Proposition</span> 1.</h4>
+<h4>
+<span class="sc1">Problem</span>.&mdash;<i>To find the centre of a
+given circle</i>.</h4>
+<p>
+Let ABC be that horrible round bed
+where you had the geraniums last year.
+This year, I gather, the idea is to have
+it nothing but rose-trees, with a great
+big fellow in the middle. The question
+is, where is the middle? I mean, if
+you plant it in a hurry on your own
+judgment, everyone who comes near
+the house will point out that the bed is
+all cock-eye. Besides, you can see it
+from the dining-room and it will annoy
+you at breakfast.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;">
+<a href="images/346-1.png"><img src="images/346-1-150.png" width="150" height="169" alt="circle" border="0" /></a>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Construction</span>.&mdash;Well, this is how
+we go about it. First, you draw any
+chord AB in the given bed ABC. You
+can do that with one of those long
+strings the gardener keeps in his shed,
+with pegs at the end.</p>
+<p>
+Bisect AB at D.</p>
+<p>
+Now don't look so stupid. We've
+done that already in Book I., Prop. 10,
+you remember, when we bisected the
+stick of nougat. That's right.</p>
+<p>
+Now from D draw DC at right angles
+to AB, and meeting the lawn at C. You
+can do that with a hoe.</p>
+<p>
+Produce CD to meet the lawn again
+at E.</p>
+<p>
+Now we do some more of that bisecting;
+this time we bisect EC at F.</p>
+<p>
+Then F shall be the middle of the
+bed; and that's where your rose-tree
+is going.</p>
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Proof</span>???&mdash;Well, I mean, if F be <i>not</i>
+the centre let some point G, outside
+the line CE, be the centre and put the
+confounded tree <i>there</i>. And, what's
+more, you can jolly well join GA, GD
+and GB, and see what that looks like.</p>
+<p>
+Just cast your eye over the two triangles
+GDA and GDB.</p>
+<p>
+Don't you see that DA is equal to
+DB (unless, of course, you've bisected
+that chord all wrong), and DG is common,
+and GA is equal to GB&mdash;at least
+according to your absurd theory about
+G it is, since they must be both <i>radii</i>.
+<i>Radii</i> indeed! <i>Look</i> at them. Ha, ha!</p>
+<p>
+Therefore, you fool, the angle GDA
+is equal to the angle GDB.</p>
+<p>
+Therefore they are both right angles.</p>
+<p>
+Therefore the angle GDA is a right
+angle. (I know you think I'm repeating
+myself, but you'll see what I'm
+getting at in a minute.)</p>
+<p>
+<i>Therefore</i>&mdash;and this is the cream of
+the joke&mdash;therefore&mdash;really, I can't
+help laughing&mdash;therefore <i>the angle
+CDA is equal to the angle GDA!</i> That
+is, the part is equal to the whole&mdash;which
+is ridiculous.</p>
+<p>
+I mean, it's too <i>laughable</i>.</p>
+<p>
+So, you see, your rose-tree is not in
+the middle at all.</p>
+<p>
+In the same way you can go on
+planting the old tree all over the bed&mdash;anywhere
+you like. In every case
+you'll get those right angles in the
+same ridiculous position&mdash;why, it
+makes me laugh <i>now</i> to think of it&mdash;and
+you'll be brought back to dear old
+CE.</p>
+<p>
+And, of course, any point in CE <i>except</i>
+F would divide CE unequally,
+which I notice now is just what you've
+done yourself; so F is wrong too.</p>
+<p>
+But you see the idea?</p>
+<p>
+What a mess you've made of the
+bed!</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Book I., Proposition</span> 20.</h4>
+<h4>
+<span class="sc1">Theorem</span>.&mdash;<i>Any two sides of a triangle
+are together greater than the third side</i>.</h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 322px;">
+<a href="images/346-2.png"><img src="images/346-2-250.png" width="250" height="140" alt="triangles" /></a>
+</div>
+<p>
+Let ABC be a triangle.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Construction</span>.&mdash;You know the
+eleventh hole? Well, let B be the tee,
+and let C be the green, and let BC be
+my drive. Yes, <i>mine</i>. Is it dead?
+Yes.</p>
+<p>
+Now let BA be <i>your</i> drive. I'm
+afraid you've pulled it a bit and gone
+into the road by the farm.</p>
+<p>
+You can't get on to the green by the
+direct route AC because you're under
+the wall. You'll have to play further
+up the road till you get opposite that
+gap at D. It's a pity, because you'll
+have to play about the same distance,
+only in the wrong direction.</p>
+<p>
+Take your niblick, then, and play
+your second, making AD equal to AC.
+Now join CD.</p>
+<p>
+I mean, put your third on the green.
+You can do that, <i>surely</i>? Good.</p>
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Proof</span>.&mdash;There, I'm down in two.
+But we won't rub it in. Do you notice
+anything odd about these triangles?
+No? Well, the fact is that AD is equal
+to AC, and the result of that is that the
+angle ACD is equal to the angle ADC.
+That's Prop. 5. Anyhow, it's obvious,
+isn't it?</p>
+<p>
+But steady on. The angle BCD is
+greater than its part, the angle ACD&mdash;you
+must admit that? (Look out,
+there's a fellow going to drive.)</p>
+<p>
+And therefore the angle BCD&mdash;Oh,
+well, I can't go into it all now or it
+will mean we shall have to let these
+people through; but if you carry on on
+those lines you'll find that BD is greater
+than BC.</p>
+<p>
+I mean you've only got to go back to
+where you played your third and you'll
+see that it <i>must</i> be so, won't you?
+Very well, then, don't argue.</p>
+<p>
+But BD is equal to BA and AC, for
+AD is equal to AC; it <i>had</i> to be, you
+remember.</p>
+<p>
+Therefore&mdash;now follow this closely&mdash;the
+two sides BA and AC are together
+greater than the third side BC.</p>
+<p>
+That means, you see, that by pulling
+your drive out to the left there you
+gave yourself a lot of extra distance to
+cover.</p>
+<p>
+You'd never have guessed that, would
+you? But old <span class="sc">Euclid</span> did.</p>
+<p>
+Come along, then; they're putting.
+You must be more careful at this hole.</p>
+<p>
+I think it's that right shoulder of
+yours...     </p>
+<p class="author">
+A. P. H.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h4>Our Candid Candidates.</h4>
+<p class="center">
+From an election address:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Should I get returned as your representative
+you will have no cause for regret when
+my term of office expires."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The strike of the mechanical staff of the
+'Karachi Daily Gazette' has ended."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Evening Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We wondered why everybody looked so
+pleased in London that day.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Since her treatment with the monkey
+gland Miss Ediss has received enough complimentary
+nuts to stock a market garden. An
+ornate basket of monkey nuts fills a prominent
+place in her room, and two cocoanuts tied up
+with coloured ribbon strike the eye of the
+visitor."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+In that case we shall postpone our intended
+visit until Miss <span class="sc">Ediss</span> is herself
+again.</p>
+
+<br /><hr /><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page347" id="page347"></a>[pg 347]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 361px;">
+<a href="images/347.png"><img src="images/347-361.png" width="361" height="450" alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a>
+<h4><b>MANNERS AND MODES.</b></h4>
+<p>NOW THAT MEN'S ATTIRE IS SO COSTLY WHY NOT TAKE A LEAF FROM THE LADIES' BOOK OF FASHION
+AND  LET THE TAILORS HAVE DRESS PARADES  OF  THE  LATEST  DESIGNS?</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+<br /><hr /><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page348" id="page348"></a>[pg 348]</span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 301px;">
+<a href="images/348.png"><img src="images/348-301.png" width="301" height="450" alt="THE CULT OF FACE-READING." /></a>
+<h4>THE CULT OF FACE-READING.</h4>
+<p><i>'Erb</i> (<i>a cinema habitué</i>). "<span class="sc">See wot 'e's saying, Em'ly?
+'<i>E's still at the office and won't be able to get 'ome to
+dinner</i></span>."</p>
+</div><br />
+
+
+
+
+<hr /><br /><br />
+
+<h2>THE CONSPIRATORS.</h2>
+
+<h4>VI.</h4>
+<p>
+<span class="sc">My dear Charles</span>,&mdash;I was talking
+to the Editor the other day about this
+correspondence of ours which we are
+conducting in the public Press, thus
+saving the twopenny stamps and avoiding
+the increased cost of living which
+is hitting everyone else so hard.</p>
+<p>
+"This ought to be put a stop to,"
+said he.</p>
+<p>
+"That is just what I have
+been saying since 1918," I replied;
+"but the question is
+what to do about it? When
+you get down to it, the word
+'Bolshevist' is but the Russian
+for 'advanced Socialist,' and
+there is nothing to prevent
+Socialists, whether they be advanced
+or retarded. How then
+are you going to put a stop to
+Bolshevism?"</p>
+<p>
+"I was thinking of the correspondence,"
+the Editor replied.</p>
+<p>
+So I stopped talking to him
+and sat down to write my last
+letter to you on the subject.</p>
+<p>
+To resume: In the summer
+of 1918 the German War Lords
+began to have their doubts of
+a Pax Germanica and saw signs
+rather of a Wash-out Germanicum.
+Things looked ill
+with them, so they consulted
+their doctor, a certain person
+who called himself "Dr. Help-us"
+by way of a jest. He
+proved more successful as a
+business man, however, than
+he was as a humourist. He
+advised that the "War of
+World Conquest" was not
+likely to produce a dividend,
+because its name was against
+it. Cut out "Imperialism";
+substitute another word, with
+just as many syllables and no
+less an imposing sound, "Proletariat";
+call the thing "Class
+Warfare"; advertise it thoroughly
+and attract to it all the political
+egoists of disappointed ambition in the
+various countries of the enemy, and the
+German War Lords would find it no
+longer necessary to crush all existing
+nations, since all existing nations would
+then set about to crush themselves.</p>
+<p>
+The idea was voted excellent, and the
+trial run in Russia gave complete satisfaction.</p>
+<p>
+But not all countries were so immediately
+susceptible to the idea of a World
+Revolution. Victory hath its charms
+and does not predispose a people to complain;
+so where the Masses (invested
+with a capital "M" to flatter their
+vanity and secure their goodwill) were
+victorious and content they were to be
+made to believe by advertisement that
+with a little trouble they could become
+even more victorious and more content.
+The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> and Imperialism had been
+disposed of; it only remained to get rid
+of Capitalism and Charles. The subterranean
+campaign was developed, and
+that is what our conspirators have since
+been so brisk and busy about.</p>
+<p>
+That was the programme; but it is
+a programme which required money.
+And so at last to the Chinese Bonds.</p>
+<p>
+Oh, those Chinese Bonds! How
+some people abroad have learned to
+curse the very mention of them these
+last many months! I don't know where
+that tiresome man, <span class="sc">Litvinoff</span>, first got
+them from, but my poor friends, whose
+business all this is, were running after
+them at least ten months ago. Sometimes
+they were in Russia, sometimes
+they showed up in Denmark, sometimes
+they got scent of them in Germany, and
+I am told it is the merest fluke that the
+Bonds did not come to Switzerland for
+the winter sports. And wherever they
+turned up they were always just on their
+way to England; either they had a poor
+sense of direction or, being bad sailors,
+were afraid of the crossing. There was
+never any knowing in what corner of
+the earth they would next be appearing;
+in fact the only country which
+those Chinese Bonds seemed to have
+successfully avoided was China.</p>
+<p>
+The first time we heard of them, I
+will admit that we were thrilled. They
+gave a touch of reality to an otherwise
+over-hairy and unconvincing
+narrative of conspiracy. The
+second time we were told of
+them we were pleasurably
+moved. So it was true, after
+all, about those Chinese Bonds?</p>
+<p>
+The third time we heard of
+them we were satisfied; the
+fourth time we heard of them
+we were indifferent; the fifth
+time bored, the sixth time irritated,
+the seventh time infuriated,
+and the eighth time we
+said to our informant, "Now
+look you here. We appreciate
+the excitement of your mysterious
+presence and the soothing
+effects of your hushed voice,
+and as long as you care to go
+on revealing your secrets we
+will listen. You may speak of
+finance and you may even
+touch upon British bank-notes
+forged by the Soviets; you
+may go so far as to divulge
+some new forms of script involved,
+getting as near as even,
+say, Japanese Debentures; but
+if you so much as mention
+China or its Bonds to us again
+we will wrap you up in a parcel
+and post you to Moscow with
+a personal note of warning to
+<span class="sc">Lenin</span> as to your inner knowledge
+and the dangerous publicity
+you are giving it."</p>
+<p>
+For ourselves we wrote many
+a learned treatise on the subject
+and sent many a thousand
+memos home to those authorities
+near to whose hearts the
+welfare of those Bonds should be. And
+after many months of this correspondence
+someone in the what-d'you-call-it
+office suddenly sat up and took notice
+and wrote to us as follows: "His
+Majesty's Principal Secretary of State
+for Thingummy has the honour to
+inform you that rumours have reached
+his ears concerning the existence of
+certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese,
+in the hands of Bolshevist agitators
+coming or intending to come to this
+country. You are requested to ascertain
+and report what, if anything, is
+known of these Chinese Bonds."</p>
+<p>
+I could have made a story for you of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page349" id="page349"></a>[pg 349]</span>
+the uses to which the Bonds were put
+in other countries and newspapers as
+well as your own. But that painfully
+honest journal, <i>The Daily Herald</i>, has
+anticipated me. And anything more
+you want to know about the conspiracies
+or the conspirators you may now,
+as I judge from reading your Press,
+experience for yourself. So upon that
+these letters may end. I would like to
+have concluded by a protestation that,
+in making these frank statements as to
+the working of, and against, the Conspirators,
+I personally draw no pecuniary
+benefit of any sort, not a sovereign, not
+a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is
+perhaps better, however, to anticipate
+discovery by owning up to the fact
+that my frankness is being paid for at
+so many pence per line.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yours ever, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br /> <span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Concluded</i>.)</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width: 586px;">
+<a href="images/349.png"><img src="images/349-586.png" width="586" height="450" alt="Are you sure that lobster's all right?" /></a>
+<p><i>Nervous Party</i>. "<span class="sc">Are you sure that lobster's all right</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Fishmonger</i> (<i>on his dignity</i>). "<span class="sc">Quite right, Sir. If it isn't we shall be here to-morrow</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Nervous Party</i>. "<span class="sc">Yes&mdash;but shall <i>I</i> be here to-morrow</span>?"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+  <hr />
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc"><b>Epitaph for a Professor of Tango</b></span>:</p>
+<p class="center">
+"<i>Nihil tetigit quod non ornavit</i>."</p>
+
+  <hr /><br />
+
+<h4>THE CAGE.</h4>
+<p>
+He stood in the packed building, a
+small lonely figure, pathetic in the
+isolation that shut him off from the
+warm humanity of the watching crowd.</p>
+<p>
+He felt weak, ill, but he struggled
+to bear himself bravely. He could not
+move his eyes from the stern white
+face that seemed to fill all the space in
+front of him. About that cold minatory
+figure, which was speaking to him
+in such passionless even tones, clung
+an atmosphere of awe; the traditional
+robes of office lent it a majesty that
+crushed his will.</p>
+<p>
+He knew he was being addressed,
+and he strove to listen. His brain was
+a torrent of thoughts. And so his life
+had come to this. It was indeed the
+final catastrophe. That was surely what
+the voice meant&mdash;that voice which went
+on and on in an even stream of sound
+without meaning. Why had he come
+to this&mdash;in the flower of his life to lose
+its chiefest gift, Liberty?</p>
+<p>
+Up and down the spaces of his brain
+thought sped like fire. The people
+behind&mdash;did they care? A few perhaps
+pitied him. The others were indifferent.
+To them it was merely a spectacle.</p>
+<p>
+Suddenly into his mind crept the
+consciousness of a vast silence. The
+voice had stopped. The abrupt cessation
+of sound whipped his quivering
+nerves. It was like the holding of a
+great breath.</p>
+<p>
+He gathered his forces. He knew
+that the huge concourse waited. A question
+had been put to him. It seemed
+as if the world stood still to listen.</p>
+<p>
+He moistened his lips. He knew
+what he had meant to say, but his
+tongue was a traitor to his desire.
+What use now to plead? The soundlessness
+grew intolerable. He thought
+he should cry aloud.</p>
+<p>
+And then&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+"I will," he said, and, looking sideways,
+caught the swift shy glance of
+his bride.</p>
+
+<br /><hr /><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page350" id="page350"></a>[pg 350]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/350.png"><img src="images/350-600.png" width="600" height="419" alt="That lad'll go far." /></a>
+<p><i>The Master Plumber</i>. "<span class="sc">I've never seed a bloke take so long over a job in all me life.
+That lad'll go far</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3>
+
+
+<h4><span class="sc">The Sponge</span>.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The sponge is not, as you suppose,</p>
+  <p class="i2">A funny kind of weed;</p>
+<p>He lives below the deep blue sea,</p>
+<p>An animal, like you and me,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Though not so good a breed.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And when the sponges go to sleep</p>
+  <p class="i2">The fearless diver dives;</p>
+<p>He prongs them with a cruel prong,</p>
+<p>And, what I think is rather wrong,</p>
+  <p class="i2">He also prongs their wives.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>For I expect they love their wives</p>
+  <p class="i2">And sing them little songs,</p>
+<p>And though, of course, they have no heart</p>
+<p>It hurts them when they're forced to part&mdash;</p>
+  <p class="i2">Especially with prongs.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I know you'd rather not believe</p>
+  <p class="i2">Such dreadful things are done;</p>
+<p>Alas, alas, it is the case;</p>
+<p>And every time you wash your face</p>
+  <p class="i2">You use a skeleton.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And that round hole in which you put</p>
+  <p class="i2">Your finger and your thumb,</p>
+<p>And tear the nice new sponge in two,</p>
+<p>As I have told you <i>not</i> to do,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Was once his <i>osculum</i>.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>So that is why I seldom wash,</p>
+  <p class="i2">However black I am,</p>
+<p>But use my flannel if I must,</p>
+<p>Though even that, to be quite just,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Was once a little lamb.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <p class="author">
+ A. P. H.</p>
+
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK.</h3>
+<p>
+We understand that an expedition
+will shortly leave the United States for
+Central Asia in search of the Missing
+Link. "Aeroplanes, motor cars, camels,
+mules and all means of locomotion
+found suitable will be used by the anthropologists,
+archæologists and other
+scientists" taking part.</p>
+<p>
+We predict that an enterprise so
+opposed to all the traditions of exploration
+is doomed to failure. We cannot
+doubt that the Missing Link possesses
+a sense of smell keen enough to detect
+a camel or a Ford car while yet afar
+off. His regrettable elusiveness is more
+likely to be established than overcome
+when he beholds mules and anthropologists,
+attended by aeroplanes and
+motor-cars, and possibly whippet-tanks,
+motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even
+if there are only nine or ten of each
+variety it will be enough to ensure that
+the adventurers miss the Link after all.</p>
+<p>
+Another aspect of the expedition
+should be borne in mind. The progress
+through the jungle of such vehicles
+and personnel would cause something
+like consternation among the larger
+fauna, whose limited intelligence might
+reasonably fail to distinguish the procession
+from a travelling menagerie. In
+these days of unrest is it right, is it expedient,
+thus to stir up species hatred?
+It would be indeed deplorable if the
+present quest were to be followed by a
+search party got up to trace the missing
+Missing Link expedition.</p>
+<p>
+Surely the old methods of the explorer
+are still the best. Simply equipped
+with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet,
+let him plunge into the bush and be
+lost to sight for a few years. Whereas
+the Missing Link may be relied on to
+remain resolutely beneath his rock at
+the sight of a sort of a Lord Mayor's
+Show wandering among the vegetation,
+the spectacle of a simple-looking traveller
+in the midst of the lonely forest
+would rather encourage the creature to
+emerge from its place of retreat.</p>
+<p>
+Then nothing would remain but for the
+explorer to advance with out-stretched
+hand (preferably the left), and exclaim,
+"The Missing Link, I presume?"</p>
+
+<br /><hr /><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page351" id="page351"></a>[pg 351]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 376px;">
+<a href="images/351.png"><img src="images/351-376.png" width="376" height="450" alt="A CLOSE CORPORATION." /></a>
+<h4>A CLOSE CORPORATION.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Ex-Service Man</span> (<i>unemployed</i>). "IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY DON'T YOU
+TAKE ME ON?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Trade Union Official</span>. "MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND YEARS
+OF APPRENTICESHIP."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Ex-Service Man</span>. "SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR WHEN
+THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT."</p>
+</div>
+<br /><hr /><br /><br />
+
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page353" id="page353"></a>[pg 353]</span>
+
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;">
+<a href="images/353-1.png"><img src="images/353-1-180.png" width="180" height="332" alt="A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT." /></a>
+<p class="center">A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT.</p>
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Philip Lloyd-Greame</span>.</p>
+<p><i>Parliamentary Secretary to the Board of Trade.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+<i>Monday, October 25th</i>.&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">Philip
+Lloyd-Greame</span>, the newest recruit on
+the Treasury Bench, already answers
+Questions with all the assurance of the
+other <span class="sc">Lloyd G</span>. His readiness in referring
+the inquisitive to other Departments
+and in declining to go beyond
+his brief&mdash;witness his modest refusal to
+discuss in reply to a Supplementary
+Question the possibility of imposing a
+tariff in this country&mdash;suggests that
+somewhere behind the <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> chair
+there must be a school for Under-Secretaries
+where the callow back-bencher
+is instructed in the arts and crafts required
+in the seats of the mighty.</p>
+<p>
+For this purpose I can imagine no
+better instructor than the <span class="sc">Attorney-General</span>,
+who combines scrupulous
+politeness with an icy precision of language.
+Take, for example, his treatment
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton Billing's</span> defiant
+inquiry if it would now be "compatible
+with the dignity of the Government"
+to say that there had never been any
+intention to bring the War-criminals
+to trial. "No," replied Sir <span class="sc">Gordon
+Hewart</span> in his most pedagogic manner,
+"it cannot be compatible with anyone's
+dignity to make a statement which is
+manifestly untrue."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<a href="images/353-2.png"><img src="images/353-2-200.png" width="200" height="345" alt="SOMETHING 'SUBSTANTIAL.'" /></a>
+<p class="center">SOMETHING "SUBSTANTIAL."</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Will Thorne</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+This week was to have been devoted,
+<i>de die in diem</i>, to getting on with the
+Government of Ireland Bill. But the
+malignant sprite that has hitherto foiled
+every effort to pacify Ireland again intervened,
+and the House found itself
+called upon to discuss the Emergency
+Powers Bill. The measure is a peace-time
+successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the
+opinion of the Government is getting
+a little <i>passée</i>) and, perhaps naturally,
+met with little approval. Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>,
+while admitting that something of the
+kind might be required, took exception
+to the vagueness of its drafting. "What
+is 'substantial'?" he inquired. "Ask
+them another!" Mr. <span class="sc">Will Thorne</span>
+joyfully interjected. "What is 'substantial'?"
+repeated the <span class="sc">ex-Premier</span>;
+whereupon the Coalition with one voice
+replied, "<span class="sc">Will Thorne</span>."</p>
+
+<p>
+With consummate skill the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> managed to get the House
+out of its hostile mood and to satisfy
+the majority, at any rate, that the
+measure was neither provocative nor
+inopportune, but a necessary precaution
+against the possibility that "direct
+action" on the part of extra-Parliamentary
+bodies might confront the
+country with the alternatives of starvation
+or surrender.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Tuesday, October 26th</i>.&mdash;In these
+troublous times the House gladly seizes
+the smallest occasion for merriment.
+There was great laughter when Colonel
+<span class="sc">Yate</span>, the politest of men, inadvertently
+referred to Sir <span class="sc">Archibald Williamson</span>
+as "the right honourable gent," and it
+broke forth again when, in his anxiety to
+make no further slip, he addressed him
+<i>tout court</i> as "the right honourable."</p>
+<p>
+There are some fifty thousand British
+soldiers in Ireland, costing over a
+million pounds a month. But Mr.
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span> took the cheery view that
+after all they had to be somewhere,
+and would cost nearly as much even in
+Great Britain.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;">
+<a href="images/353-3.png"><img src="images/353-3-200.png" width="200" height="287" alt="THE BOLD BAD BARON." /></a>
+<p class="center">THE BOLD BAD BARON.</p>
+<p><i>Sir Gordon Hewart</i>. "<span class="sc">Merely a framework&mdash;quite&nbsp;&nbsp;useless without a rope</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+They would cost a good deal more
+in Mesopotamia, where we have a
+hundred thousand troops (British and
+Indian), and the cost is two and a half
+millions a month. Sir <span class="sc">William Joynson-Hicks</span>
+could not understand why
+we should spend all this money "merely
+to hand the country back to the rebels."
+Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> said he had heard nothing
+about handing the country back
+to the rebels; from which it may be
+inferred either that he is not admitted
+into all the secrets of the Cabinet or
+that he draws a distinction between
+"rebels" and "persons who object to
+British rule."</p>
+
+<p>
+The Press campaign in favour of a
+nickel three-halfpenny coin has not succeeded.
+In Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain's</span> opinion
+it would not be a coin of vantage.
+Among his objections to it may be the
+extreme probability that the present
+Administration would promptly be nicknamed
+(I will not say nickel-named)
+"the Three-half-penny Government."</p>
+
+<p>
+Owing to a number of concessions
+announced by the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span>
+the Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly
+smooth passage through Committee.
+Objections were still raised to making
+an Emergency Act permanent&mdash;it <i>does</i>
+sound rather like a contradiction in
+terms&mdash;but the <span class="sc">Attorney-General</span>
+skilfully countered them by pointing
+out that it was only the framework of
+the machinery, not the regulations, that
+would be permanent. One can imagine
+the bold bad baron who set up a gallows
+to overawe his villeins comforting objectors
+with the remark that after all it
+was merely a framework&mdash;quite useless
+without a rope.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 334px;">
+<a href="images/354.png"><img src="images/354-334.png" width="334" height="450" alt="A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH." /></a>
+<p>A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+<i>Wednesday, October 27th</i>.&mdash;Much
+pother in the Lords because the <span class="sc">First
+Commissioner of Works</span> had set up
+a Committee to advise him with regard
+to the preservation of ancient<span class="pagenum"><a name="page354" id="page354"></a>[pg 354]</span>
+monuments, including cathedrals and
+churches, without first consulting the
+ecclesiastical authorities. Lord <span class="sc">Parmoor</span>
+moved a condemnatory resolution,
+and His Grace of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>,
+after renouncing Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Mond</span> and
+all his works, declared that, so far as
+religious edifices were concerned, the
+proposed Committee was a superfluity
+of naughtiness with which he personally
+would have nothing to do. Lord
+<span class="sc">Lytton</span>, with that delightful free-and-easiness
+which characterises the attitude
+of our present Ministers towards
+their colleagues, observed that he could
+have sympathised with the objectors if
+it were really intended to place
+cathedrals under Sir <span class="sc">Alfred's</span>
+care; but it wasn't;&mdash;so why all
+this fuss? Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span>, while
+sharing the Opposition's dislike
+of restorers, from <span class="sc">Viollet-le-Duc</span>
+to the late Lord <span class="sc">Grimthorpe</span>,
+could not admit that in this matter
+the Office of Works had been
+guilty of anything worse than a
+want of tact. Lord <span class="sc">Parmoor</span> insisted
+on going to a division, and
+carried his motion by 27 to 17.
+Despite this shattering blow the
+Government is said to be going
+on as well as can be expected.</p>
+
+<p>
+What happened at Jutland?
+After four years' cogitation the
+Admiralty does not appear to
+have emerged from the state of
+uncertainty into which it was
+plunged by the first news of the
+battle. In February last Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span>
+announced that the official report
+would be published "shortly," but
+then the German sailors began
+to publish <i>their</i> stories, and these
+not very unnaturally differed from
+the British accounts. So now
+My Lords have decided to leave
+Sir <span class="sc">Julian Corbett's</span> <i>Naval History
+of the War</i> to unravel the
+tangle and inform Lords <span class="sc">Jellicoe</span> and
+<span class="sc">Beatty</span> (who, according to Sir <span class="sc">James
+Craig</span>, are quite agreeable to the proposal)
+exactly what they and their gallant
+seamen really did on that famous
+occasion.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Thursday, October 28th</i>.&mdash;There being
+no Labour Party in the House of Lords
+the Emergency Powers Bill passed
+through all its stages in a single sitting.
+Even Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span> did not challenge its
+necessity in these troublous times, but
+Lord <span class="sc">Askwith</span> was a little alarmed
+at the possibility that "an unreasoning
+Home Secretary"&mdash;as if there could
+ever be such a monster!&mdash;might be over-hasty
+to issue Orders in Council, and so
+exacerbate an industrial dispute.</p>
+<p>
+A long list of "reprisal" Questions&mdash;mercifully
+curtailed by the time-limit&mdash;was
+chiefly remarkable for Sir <span class="sc">Hamar
+Greenwood's</span> emphatic declaration that
+he was not going to accept the statements
+even of English newspaper
+correspondents against the reports of
+officials "for whom I am responsible
+and in whom I have confidence."</p>
+<p>
+Assuming that the House of Commons
+is, as it ought to be, a microcosm
+of the population, it will be some time
+before this country goes "dry." Members
+of all parties pressed upon the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> the necessity of relaxing
+the regulations of the Liquor
+Control Board. His suggestion that
+an informal Committee should be set
+up to make recommendations to the
+Government was received with cheers,
+and there was much amusement when
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span> and Lady <span class="sc">Astor</span>, who
+do not, I gather, quite see eye to eye on
+this subject, promptly nominated themselves
+for membership.</p>
+<p>
+As the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> is popularly
+supposed to be not averse from appearing
+in the limelight, especially when
+there is good news to impart, it is
+pleasant to record that he left to Sir
+<span class="sc">Robert Horne</span> the congenial task of
+announcing that an agreement had
+been reached with the Miners' Federation,
+and that the coal-strike was on
+the high road to settlement. The
+terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfactory
+to all parties, and the only mystery
+is why the negotiators should have
+required the stimulus of a strike before
+they could arrive at them.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<h3>THE DOWNING OF THE PEN.</h3>
+<p>
+A little difference of opinion on the
+moral aspect of strikes which has been
+ventilated in <i>The Daily News</i> has caused
+one correspondent to write: "Let us
+suppose that Mr. <span class="sc">Silas Hocking</span> regards
+the serial rights of one of his novels as
+worth £250. Suppose I offer him £100.
+What does he do? He withholds his
+labour; and quite right too!"</p>
+<p>
+But does this analogy go far enough?
+It would be a simple matter, for which
+we might easily console ourselves, if
+the author in question merely withheld
+his own labour. But if he followed
+modern strike tactics he would
+do more.</p>
+<p>
+Calling in aid the services of
+his brother <span class="sc">Joseph</span>, he would endeavour
+by peaceful persuasion to
+induce Mrs. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold
+Bennett</span>, Mrs. <span class="sc">Elinor Glyn</span>, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Compton Mackenzie</span> and others
+to withhold their labour also.
+Picketing would follow, and London
+would be stirred to its depths
+by the news that Sir <span class="sc">Hall Caine</span>
+was on duty outside the establishment
+of <i>The Sunday Pictorial</i>,
+and that Miss <span class="sc">Ethel M. Dell</span>
+was in charge of the squad on the
+doorstep of the Amalgamated
+Press.</p>
+<p>
+Sympathetic strikes would develope.
+The newspaper-vendors
+would rise and demand that <i>The
+Daily Mirror</i> feuilleton be suppressed,
+thus plunging the country
+into an agony of suspense,
+and railwaymen would cease work
+at the sight of any passenger immersed
+in the most recent instalment
+of the <i>Home Bits</i> serial story.</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">W. W. Jacobs</span> would address
+mass meetings at the Docks,
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Hilaire Belloc</span> would
+embark on a resolute thirst-strike.
+At the same time daily newspapers
+would compete in offering solutions of
+the problem. One would say, "For
+goodness' sake give him the extra paltry
+one hundred and fifty pounds and
+let the country get on with its work;"
+and another would suggest a compromise
+at one hundred-and-fifty guineas,
+conditional upon the author's output.</p>
+<p>
+Far from the simple withholding of
+his labour by a single novelist, such a
+turmoil would ensue as would not only
+shake our intellectual life to its foundations,
+but would keep the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> engaged in the exploration
+of interminable vistas of avenue.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>Mixed Education.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Formerly a student at Lady Margaret Hall,
+Oxford, her husband is a Fellow of Balliol
+College."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+       <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page355" id="page355"></a>[pg 355]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/355.png"><img src="images/355-600.png" width="600" height="412" alt="I always try to make my subjects' portraits a mirror of their past lives." /></a>
+<p><i>Prospective Sitter</i> (<i>with unconventional past</i>). "<span class="sc">I always think you get such wonderful character into your portraits</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Artist</i>. "<span class="sc">Glad to hear that. I always try to make my subjects' portraits a mirror of their past lives</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+       <hr />
+
+
+<h3>THE SUBSTITUTE.</h3>
+<p class="center">
+[Sweets are replacing alcohol.&mdash;<i>Vide Papers passim</i>.]</p>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>As more and more the god of wine</p>
+  <p class="i2">Grows faint from want of tippling,</p>
+<p>Nor round his path the roses shine,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Nor purple streams are rippling;</p>
+    <p class="i4">As usquebaugh and malt and hops</p>
+      <p class="i6">No longer much entice us,</p>
+    <p class="i4">We crown anew with lollipops,</p>
+    <p class="i4">With peppermints, with acid drops,</p>
+      <p class="i6">The nobler Dionysus.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Bright coloured as his orient car,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Piled high with autumn splendours,</p>
+<p>The pageants of the sweetstuffs are</p>
+  <p class="i2">At all the pastry-vendors;</p>
+    <p class="i4">From earliest flush of dawn till eight</p>
+      <p class="i6">The Mænad nymphs in masses,</p>
+    <p class="i4">With lions' help upbear the freight</p>
+    <p class="i4">Of marzipan and chocolate</p>
+      <p class="i6">And stickjaw and molasses.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The poet from whose lips of flame</p>
+  <p class="i2">Wine drew the songs, the full sighs,</p>
+<p>Performs the business just the same</p>
+  <p class="i2">When masticating bull's-eyes;</p>
+    <p class="i4">The knight who bids a fond "Farewell,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Love's large, but honour's larger!"</p>
+    <p class="i4">Shares with the Lady Amabel</p>
+    <p class="i4">One last delicious caramel</p>
+      <p class="i6">And leaps upon his charger.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The rake inured to card-room traps,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Yet making fearful faces</p>
+<p>Because his foes, perfidious chaps,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Have always all the aces&mdash;</p>
+    <p class="i4">"Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!"</p>
+      <p class="i6">(The guttering candles quiver)&mdash;</p>
+    <p class="i4">Instead of draining brandy raw</p>
+    <p class="i4">Clenches a jujube in his jaw</p>
+      <p class="i6">And strolls towards the river.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O happier time that soothes the brain</p>
+  <p class="i2">And rids us of our glum fits</p>
+<p>(Eliminating dry champagne)</p>
+  <p class="i2">With candy and with comfits!</p>
+    <p class="i4">The oak reflects the firelight's beam,</p>
+      <p class="i6">In song the moments fly by,</p>
+    <p class="i4">Till the old squire, his face agleam,</p>
+    <p class="i4">Sucking the last assorted cream,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Toddles away to bye-bye.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<p>From a P.S.A. notice:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Subject: '<span class="sc">A Renewed World</span>&mdash;No Sorrow. No Pain.
+     No Death.' No Collection."</p>
+	 <p class="author">
+	 &mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+The last item sounds almost too good to be true.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the
+England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited
+Australia."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Expensive Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Hitherto it had been supposed that these cheerful little
+creatures only sought the kind of "ashes" that you get on
+the domestic hearth.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page356" id="page356"></a>[pg 356]</span>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/356.png"><img src="images/356-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="'We ain't a bit afraid, Alfy 'Iggins. Yer own fice is a lump uglier.'" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">We ain't a bit afraid, Alfy 'Iggins. Yer own fice is a lump uglier</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+       <hr />
+
+
+<h3>A STRIKE IN FAIRYLAND.</h3>
+
+<p>
+The fairies were holding a meeting.</p>
+<p>
+"They grumble when we send the rain," said a Rain-fairy,
+"and they grumble when we don't."</p>
+<p>
+"And we get no thanks," sighed a Flower-fairy. "The
+time we spend getting the flowers ready and washing their
+faces and folding them up every night!"</p>
+<p>
+"As for the stars," said a Star-fairy, "we might just as
+well leave them unlit for all the gratitude we get, and it's
+such a rush sometimes to get all over the sky in time. They
+don't even believe in us. We wouldn't mind <i>anything</i> if they
+believed in us."</p>
+<p>
+"No," agreed a Rainbow-fairy, "that's true. I take such
+a lot of trouble to get just the right colours, and it has to be
+done so quickly. But I wouldn't mind if they believed in us."</p>
+<p>
+"I wonder what <i>they</i>'d do," said the Queen, "if no one
+believed in them?"</p>
+<p>
+"They'd go on strike," said the Brown Owl (he was
+head of the Ministry of Wisdom). "They always go on
+strike if they don't like anything."</p>
+<p>
+"Then we'll go on strike," said the Queen with great
+determination.</p>
+<p>
+They all cheered, except the Flower-fairies.</p>
+<p>
+"But the flowers," they said, "they'll get so dusty with
+no one to wash them, and so tired with no one to fold them
+up at nights."</p>
+<p>
+"I hadn't thought of that," said the Queen. "When
+<i>they</i> go on strike," she said to the Brown Owl, "how do
+things get done?"</p>
+<p>
+The Brown Owl considered for a moment and everyone
+waited in silence.</p>
+<p>
+"Of course there are sometimes blacklegs," he began.</p>
+<p>
+"I don't know what blacklegs are," said the Queen
+cheerfully, "but we'll appoint some." And she did.</p>
+<p>
+"Is that all?" said the Queen.</p>
+<p>
+"Someone ought to have a sympathetic strike with us,"
+said the Brown Owl. "<i>They</i> always do that."</p>
+<p>
+So a fairy was sent off to the Court of the Birds to
+request a sympathetic strike.</p>
+<p>
+"Is <i>that</i> all?" said the Queen.</p>
+<p>
+"You ought to <i>talk</i> more," said the Brown Owl. "<i>They</i>
+talk ever so much."</p>
+<p>
+"Yes, but they can't help it, can they?" said the Queen
+kindly.</p>
+<p>
+And so the strike began that evening.</p>
+<p>
+None of the birds sang except one little blackleg Robin,
+who sang so hard in his efforts to make up for the rest
+that he was as hoarse as a crow the next morning. The
+blackleg fairies had a hard time too. They hadn't a minute
+to gossip with the flowers, as they usually did when they
+flew round with their acorn-cups of dew and thistledown
+sponges and washed their faces and folded up their petals
+and kissed them good-night.</p>
+<p>
+"But what's the matter?" said the flowers sleepily.</p>
+<p>
+"We're on strike," said one of the other fairies importantly
+"not for ourselves, but for posterity."</p>
+<p>
+The Brown Owl had heard <i>them</i> say that.</p>
+<p>
+Meanwhile the rest of the fairies sat silent and rather
+mournful, awaiting developments.</p>
+<p>
+Then a Thought-fairy flew in. Thought-fairies can see
+into your heart and know just what you think. They get
+terrible shocks sometimes.</p>
+<p>
+"I've been all over the world," she said breathlessly,
+"and it's much better than you think. <i>All</i> little girls
+believe in us and&mdash;" She paused dramatically.</p>
+<p>
+"Yes?" they said eagerly.</p>
+<p>
+"All fathers of little girls believe in us."</p>
+<p>
+The Queen shook her head.</p>
+<p>
+"They only pretend," she said.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page357" id="page357"></a>[pg 357]</span>
+<p>
+"No, that's just it," said the Thought-fairy. "They
+<i>pretend</i> to pretend. They never tell anyone, but they really
+believe."</p>
+<p>
+"Then we'll end the strike," said the Queen.</p>
+<p>
+Here the Brown Owl bustled in, carrying a little note-book.</p>
+<p>
+"I've found out lots more," he said excitedly. "We
+must have an executive and delegates and a ballot and a
+union and a Sankey Commission report and a scale of the
+cost of living and a datum line and&mdash;"</p>
+<p>
+"But the strike's over," said the Queen. "It was a
+misunderstanding."</p>
+<p>
+"Of course," he said huffily. "All strikes are that, but
+it's correct to carry them on as long as possible."</p>
+<p>
+"And the blacklegs are to have a special reward."</p>
+<p>
+"That's illogical," muttered the Brown Owl.</p>
+<p>
+He was right, of course, but things <i>are</i> illogical in
+Fairyland. That's the nicest part of it.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+	   <div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/357.png"><img src="images/357-600.png" width="600" height="408" alt="... our car was driven up all the flights of steps at the Crystal Palace" /></a>
+<p><i>Salesman</i>. "<span class="sc">It is possible that it may interest you to know that our car was driven up all the flights of steps at
+the Crystal Palace</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Inquiring Visitor</i>. "<span class="sc">Well&mdash;er&mdash;not much. You see, I live in a bungalow</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+       <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Fears are entertained that the chalice, which is of silver-gilt, may
+have been broken up and investments profaned."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+We should have thought that our Communistic contemporary
+was the last paper that would have considered
+investments sacred.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"K. T. B&mdash;&mdash; and T. W. H&mdash;&mdash;, both of Liverpool, who were in
+company with  Mr. L&mdash;&mdash; in  the car, agreed that the speed was
+about fifty-one miles an hour. On the gradient and at the turn it was
+not safe to travel faster."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+One of  those examples of "Safety First" which we are
+always pleased to chronicle.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+
+  <h4>THE OPENING RUN.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>The rain-sodden grass in the ditches is dying;</p>
+    <p class="i2">The berries are red to the crest of the thorn;</p>
+  <p>Coronet-deep where the beech-leaves are lying</p>
+    <p class="i2">The hunters stand tense to the twang of the horn;</p>
+  <p>Where rides are refilled with the green of the mosses,</p>
+    <p class="i2">All foam-flecked and fretful their long line is strung;</p>
+  <p>You can see the white gleam as a starred forehead tosses,</p>
+    <p class="i2">You can hear the low chink as a bit-bar is flung.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>The world's full of music. Hounds rustle the rover</p>
+    <p class="i2">Through brushwood and fern to a glad "Gone away!"</p>
+  <p>With a "Come along, Pilot!"&mdash;one spur-touch and over&mdash;</p>
+    <p class="i2">The huntsman is clear on his galloping grey;</p>
+  <p>Before him the pack's running straight on the stubble&mdash;</p>
+    <p class="i2">"<i>Toot-toot-too-too-too-oot!</i>" "<i>Tow-row-ow-ow-ow!</i>"</p>
+  <p>The leaders are clambering up through the double</p>
+    <p class="i2">And glittering away on the brown of the plough.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>The front rank, hands down, have the big fence's measure;</p>
+    <p class="i2">The faint-hearts are craning to left and to right;</p>
+  <p>The Master goes through with a crash on "The Treasure;"</p>
+    <p class="i2">The grey takes the lot like a gull in his flight;</p>
+  <p>There's a brown crumpled up, lying still as a dead one;</p>
+    <p class="i2">There's a roan mare refusing, as stubborn as sin;</p>
+  <p>While the breaker flogs up on a green underbred one</p>
+    <p class="i2">And smashes the far-away rail with a grin.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>The chase carries on over hilltop and hollow,</p>
+    <p class="i2">The life of Old England, the pluck and the fun;</p>
+  <p>And who would ask more than a stiff line to follow</p>
+    <p class="i2">With hounds running hard in the Opening Run?</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p class="i32">W. H. O.</p>
+  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page358" id="page358"></a>[pg 358]</span>
+  </div>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>IN PRAISE OF THE PELICANS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The pelicans in St. James's Park</p>
+<p>On every day from dawn to dark</p>
+<p>Pursue, inscrutable of mien,</p>
+<p>A fixed unvarying routine.</p>
+<p>Whatever be the wind or weather</p>
+<p>They spend their time in peace together,</p>
+<p>And plainly nothing can upset</p>
+<p>The harmony of their quartet.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Most punctually by the clock</p>
+<p>They roost upon or quit their rock,</p>
+<p>Or swim ashore and hold their levée,</p>
+<p>Lords of the mixed lacustrine bevy;</p>
+<p>Or with their slow unwieldy gait</p>
+<p>Their green domain perambulate,</p>
+<p>Or with prodigious flaps and prances</p>
+<p>Indulge in their peculiar dances,</p>
+<p>Returning to their feeding-ground</p>
+<p>What time the keeper goes his round</p>
+<p>With fish and scraps for their nutrition</p>
+<p>After laborious deglutition.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Calm, self-sufficing, self-possessed,</p>
+<p>They never mingle with the rest,</p>
+<p>Watching with not unfriendly eye</p>
+<p>The antics of the lesser fry,</p>
+<p>Save when bold sparrows draw too near</p>
+<p>Their mighty beaks&mdash;and disappear.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Outlandish birds, at times grotesque,</p>
+<p>And yet superbly picturesque,</p>
+<p>Although resignedly we mourn</p>
+<p>A Park dismantled and forlorn,</p>
+<p>Long may it be ere you forsake</p>
+<p>Your quarters on the minished Lake;</p>
+<p>For there, with splendid plumes and hues</p>
+<p>And ways that startle and amuse,</p>
+<p>You constantly refresh the eye</p>
+<p>And cheer the heart of passers-by,</p>
+<p>Untouched by years of shock and strain,</p>
+<p>Undeviatingly urbane,</p>
+<p>And lending London's commonplace</p>
+<p>A touch of true heraldic grace.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<br /><br />
+<h3>RING IN THE OLD.</h3>
+<p>
+There is a shabby-looking man who
+(I read it in <i>The Times</i>) rings the bell
+of London hospitals, asks to see the secretary,
+presumes (as is always a safe
+thing to do) that the establishment is
+grievously in need of funds, and without
+any further parley hands to the startled
+but gratified official bank-notes to the
+tune of five hundred pounds. He then
+vanishes without giving name or address.
+This unknown benefactor is
+dressed in top-boots, riding breeches of
+honourable antiquity, a black coat green
+with age and a "Cup Final" cap. At
+the same time (this too on <i>The Times</i>'
+authority) there is an oddly and obsolescently
+attired lady going about who
+also makes London hospitals her hobby.
+She begins by asking the secretary if
+she may take off her boots, and, receiving
+permission, takes them off, places
+her feet on an adjacent chair and hands
+him two thousand pounds.</p>
+<p>
+The result of the activities of these
+angelic visitants is that all the other
+hospital porters have had instructions
+from their eager and hopeful secretaries
+to be careful to be polite to any and
+every person, even though he or she
+should be in rags, who expresses the
+faintest desire to enter on business;
+more than polite&mdash;solicitous, welcoming,
+cordial; while all the secretaries
+are at this moment polishing up their
+smiles and practising an easy manner
+with ladies in last century costumes who
+put sudden and unexpected requests.</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Times</i>, in limiting the effect of
+these curious occurrences entirely to
+hospital servants, seems to me to lose
+a great opportunity. Surely the consequences
+will be more wide-reaching
+than that? To my mind we may even
+go so far as to hail the dawn of the
+golden age for old clothes; for in the
+fear that shabbiness may be merely
+a whimsical disguise or the mark of
+a millionaire's eccentricity the whole
+world (which is very imitative and very
+hard up) will begin to fawn upon it,
+and then at last many of us will enter
+the earthly paradise.</p>
+<p>
+But the gentleman who puts ease
+before elegance and the lady who prefers
+comfort to convention have got to
+work a little harder yet. They must
+not fold their hands at the moment
+under the impression that their labours
+are done. The support of hospitals is
+humane and only too necessary, and
+all honour to them for their generosity;
+but other spheres of action await exploration.</p>
+<p>
+I had hoped that the War was going
+to reform ideas on dress and make
+things more simple for those whose
+trouser-knees go baggy so soon and remain
+thus for so long; but, like too
+many of the expectations which we used
+to foster, this also has failed. It is
+therefore the benign couple who must
+carry on the good work. Let them, if
+they really love their fellow-creatures,
+go to a wedding or two (having previously
+given a present of sufficient
+value to ensure respect) and display
+their careless garb among the guests,
+and then in a little while old garments
+would at these exacting functions become
+as fashionable as new and we
+should all be happier.</p>
+<p>
+I was asked to a wedding last week,
+and should have accepted but for the
+great Smart Clothes tradition. If <i>The
+Times</i>' hero and heroine were to become
+imaginatively busy as I suggest,
+I could go to all the weddings in the
+world. (Heaven forbid!) Receptions,
+formal lunches, the laying of stones,
+the unveiling of monuments, private
+views&mdash;these ceremonies, now so full
+of terrors for any but the dressy, could
+be made endurable if only the gentleman
+in the black coat green with age
+and the lady with the elastic sides
+would show themselves prominently
+and receive conspicuous attentions.</p>
+<p>
+And then, if any more statues were
+needed for the police to keep their
+waterproofs on, one of them should be
+that of an unknown philanthropical
+gentleman who wears venerable top-boots,
+and another that of a philanthropical
+lady who would rather be
+without any boots at all, and the inscription
+on the pedestals would state that
+their glorious achievement was this:
+They made old clothes the thing.</p>
+<p class="author">E. V. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>THE OLD BEER FLAGON.</h3>
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Many old English flagons are adorned
+inside with grotesque figures of animals</i>.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Within my foaming flagon</p>
+  <p class="i2">There crawls on countless legs</p>
+<p>A lazy grinning dragon</p>
+  <p class="i2">That wallows in the dregs;</p>
+<p>Of old I saw him nightly</p>
+  <p class="i2">Look up with friendly leer,</p>
+<p>As if to hint politely,</p>
+  <p class="i2">"I share your taste in beer!"</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Through merry nights unnumbered</p>
+  <p class="i2">(From Boxing Day to Yule)</p>
+<p>He'd greet me, ere I slumbered,</p>
+  <p class="i2">From out his amber pool;</p>
+<p>But now he is beginning</p>
+  <p class="i2">To look a trifle strange;</p>
+<p>His smile, once wide and winning,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Has undergone a change.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>No more, as pints diminish</p>
+  <p class="i2">(I wish the price grew less)</p>
+<p>He hails me at the finish</p>
+  <p class="i2">With wonted cheeriness;</p>
+<p>For, as I drain my mellow</p>
+  <p class="i2">Allowances of ale,</p>
+<p>He seems to sigh, "Old fellow,</p>
+  <p class="i2"><i>Will</i> <span class="sc">Pussyfoot</span> prevail?"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+       <hr />
+
+
+<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Cleaning and pressing suites, $3. Dyeing
+and pressing suits, $6. Clothes returned
+looking like now."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Advt. in</i> "<i>Standard</i>" (<i>Buenos Aires</i>).
+</p></blockquote>
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+From an election address:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"As a woman and a ratepayer, I realise the
+importance of eliminating all unavoidable
+expenditure in Municipal undertakings."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+We trust she will be elected and show
+how it's done.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"After an interval of seven years, the
+'Beasts' Ball, a pre-war popular annual event
+in aid of the Royal Society for Prevention of
+Cruelty to Animals, is to be held at the Guildhall,
+on Wednesday, November 10. Tickets
+can be obtained from Mrs. Bushe-Fox and
+from Mrs. Wolf."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Cambridge Review.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+It sounds just like <i>Uncle Remus</i>.</p>
+
+    <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg 359]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/359.png"><img src="images/359-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE." /></a>
+<p class="center"><b>ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE.</b></p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">What's the kid shouting about? There ain't no racing.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+       <hr />
+
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+<p>
+"Two households, both alike in dignity...." I ask
+you, could the novel, of which this quotation is the text,
+have been written by anyone but Mr. <span class="sc">John Galsworthy</span>?
+Actually indeed the disputants belong to two branches of
+the same family, that grim tribe of <i>Forsytes</i>, whom you
+remember in <i>The Man of Property</i>, and of whose collective
+history the present book is a further instalment (not, I
+fancy, the last). I should certainly advise anyone not already
+familiar with the former work to get up his <i>Forsytes</i> therein
+before attacking this; otherwise he may risk some discouragement
+from the plunge into so numerous a clan,
+known for the most part only by Christian names, with
+their complex relationships and the mass of bygone happenings
+that unites or separates them. This stage of the
+tribal history is called <i>In Chancery</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>), chiefly
+from the state of suspended animation experienced by the
+now middle-aged <i>Soames</i> ("Man of Property") with regard
+to his never-divorced runaway wife <i>Irene</i>. Following the
+ruling <i>Forsyte</i> instinct, <i>Soames</i> wants a son who will keep
+together and even increase his great possessions, while
+continuing his personality. The expiring generation, represented
+by <i>James</i>, is urgent upon this duty to the family.
+You may imagine what Mr. <span class="sc">Galsworthy</span> makes of it all.
+These possessive persons, with their wealth, their hatred
+and affections and their various strongholds in the more
+eminently desirable parts of residential London, affect one
+like portions of some monstrous stone-fronted edifice, impressive
+but repellent. I have some curiosity to see, with
+Mr. <span class="sc">Galsworthy's</span> help, how the <i>Forsyte</i> castle stands
+the disintegration of 1914-18.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+What with the scientists who explain things on the
+assumption that we know nearly as much as they do and
+those who explain things on the assumption that we know
+nothing, it is very difficult for you and me to persevere in
+our original determination to learn <i>something</i>. But I have
+always felt that Sir <span class="sc">Ray Lankester</span> is one of the very few
+who do understand us, and I feel it still more strongly now
+that I have read his <i>Secrets of Earth and Sea</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>).
+He is instructive but human; he does not take it for granted
+that we know what miscegenation means, but he does
+credit us with a little intelligence. And he realises how
+many arguments we have had about questions like "Why
+does the sea look blue?" Personally I rushed at that
+chapter, though I must say that I was a little disappointed
+to find that the gist of his answer was "Because water <i>is</i>
+blue." You see, if you had a tooth-glass fifteen feet high
+and filled it with water&mdash;But you must find out for
+yourself. Then I went on to the chapter on Coal, and
+discovered that "it is fairly certain that the blacker coal
+which we find in strata of great geological age was so produced
+by the action of special kinds of bacteria upon peat-like
+masses of vegetable refuse." I wonder if Mr. <span class="sc">Smillie</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg 360]</span>
+knows that. It might help him to a sense of proportion.
+The author is constantly setting up a surprising but stimulating
+relation between the naturalist's researches and the
+problems of human life, as when he observes that "the
+'colour bar' is not merely the invention of human prejudice,
+but already exists in wild plants and animals," and in his
+remarks on mongrels and the regrettable subjection of the
+males of many species. There are chapters on Wheel
+Animalcules, Vesuvius, Prehistoric Art&mdash;everything&mdash;and all
+are admirably illustrated. A fascinating book.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+<i>The Diary of a Journalist</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) is a volume of which
+the title is its own sufficient description, save that it leaves
+unsuggested the interest that such briskly written and
+comprehensive comments as these of our old friend, Sir
+<span class="sc">Henry Lucy</span>, must command. His book differs from most
+of those in the flood of recollections that has lately broken
+upon us in being a selection from "impressions of the
+moment written without knowledge of the ultimate result."
+In these stray moments
+between the years 1885
+and 1917 I find at least
+two examples in which
+this ignorance of the
+final event adds much
+to the interest of the
+immediate record&mdash;the
+startling forecast of the
+<span class="sc">ex-Kaiser's</span> destiny,
+entered in the Diary
+under November '98;
+and the mention, long
+before the actual illness
+of <span class="sc">King Edward</span> declared
+itself, of the
+growing belief in certain
+circles that his
+coronation would never
+take place. It is at
+once obvious that not
+even "<span class="sc">Toby's</span>" three
+previous volumes have
+by any means exhausted
+his fund of good
+stories, the scenes of
+which range from Westminster
+to Bouverie Street, and round half the stately (or, at
+least, interesting) homes of England. Of them all&mdash;not
+forgetting <span class="sc">Disraeli</span> and the peacocks and a new <span class="sc">W. S.
+Gilbert</span>&mdash;my personal choice would be for the mystery
+of the Unknown Guest, who not only took a place,
+but was persuaded to speak, at a private dinner given by
+Sir <span class="sc">John Hare</span> at the Garrick Club, without anyone ever
+knowing who he was or how he came there. A genial
+lucky-bag book, which (despite unusually full chapter headings)
+would be improved by an index to its many prizes.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">James Hilton</span> is very young and very clever. If, as
+he grows older, he learns to be clever about more interesting
+things he ought to write some very good novels. <i>Catherine
+Herself</i> (<span class="sc">Unwin</span>) has red hair, but then she has a rather
+more red-haired disposition than most red-haired heroines
+have to justify it, so this is not my real objection to the
+book. My quarrel is that, though I cannot call it an ugly
+story without giving a false impression, it is certainly a
+quite unbeautiful one, and at the end of its three hundred
+and more pages it has achieved nothing but a full-length
+portrait of an utterly selfish woman. Mr. <span class="sc">Hilton</span> has
+dissected her most brilliantly; but I don't think she is
+worth it. Catherines, whether they marry or are given in
+marriage, or do anything else, are really stationary; and,
+since the persons of a story, if it is to be worth telling,
+must move in some direction, Mr. <span class="sc">Hilton</span> will be well
+advised in future to choose a different type of heroine. I
+want to say too that I don't believe that it is either so
+easy or so profitable to become a well-known pianist "not
+in the front rank" as he seems to imagine it is. I wish I
+could think that no one else would believe him.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/360.png"><img src="images/360-600.png" width="600" height="397" alt="Fasten it on my back. One never knows - it may be useful in case of a reverse." /></a>
+<p><i>Knight</i> (<i>to his henchman</i>). "<span class="sc">Everything all right, Perkins? You haven't
+forgotten anything? What's that?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Henchman</i>. "<span class="sc">It's the portrait of your lady, Sir, that you promised
+to take into battle with you, Sir.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Knight</i>. "<span class="sc">Did I? Well, I must e'en keep my word. Fasten it on my
+back. One never knows&mdash;it may be useful in case of a reverse.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+It seems rather a bright idea of <span class="sc">C. Nina Boyle</span> to
+dedicate "to <span class="sc">Thea</span> and <span class="sc">Irene</span>, whose lives have lain in
+sheltered ways," a seven-shilling shocker about ways that
+are anything but sheltered. Perhaps the sheltered in general,
+and Thea and Irene in particular, will take it from me that
+the villainies of <i>Out of the Frying Pan</i> are much larger than
+life or, at any rate, much more concentrated, and that
+pseudo-orphans like <i>Maisie</i> usually have a better chance
+of getting out of frying-pans into something cool than
+the author allows her
+heroine. I also submit
+that there was nothing
+in <i>Maisie's</i> equipment
+to suggest that she
+would have been quite
+so slow in separating
+goats from sheep. But
+let me say that <span class="sc">Thea</span>
+and <span class="sc">Irene</span> have had
+dedicated to them an
+exciting and amusing
+<i>fritto misto</i> of crooks,
+demi-mondaines, blackmailers,
+gamblers,
+roués, murderers, receivers
+and decent congenital
+idiots of all sorts.
+The characterisation is
+adroitly done and the
+workmanship avoids
+that slovenliness which
+makes nineteen out of
+twenty books of this
+kind a weariness of
+spirit to the perceptive.
+I wonder if <i>Maisie</i> with
+such a father and mother would have been such a darling.
+Perhaps Professor <span class="sc">Karl Pearson</span> will explain.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+<p>
+The <i>Hon. William Toppys</i> (pronounced "Tops"), brother
+of <i>Lord Topsham</i>, left Devonshire and retired to an island in
+the Torres Straits. There he married a Melanesian woman
+and became the father of a frizzy-haired and coffee-coloured
+son. It is a little strange to me, who think of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bennet Copplestone</span> as Devonian to the tip of his
+pen-finger, that the <i>Hon. William</i> is not rebuked for so
+shamelessly deserting his native county. Instead he is
+almost applauded for his wisdom, and this despite the fact
+that he quite spoilt the look of the family tree with his exotic
+graft. For in the course of time his son, insularly known as
+<i>Willatopy</i>, inherited the title and became twenty-eighth
+(no less) <i>Baron of Topsham</i>. Mr. <span class="sc">Copplestone</span> does not
+realise the vast difference between light comedy and broad
+farce, but apart from this substantial reservation I can
+vouch that his yarn of <i>Madame Gilbert's Cannibal</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>)
+is deftly spun. Should you decide to follow the famous
+<i>Madame Gilbert</i> when she visits the island where the
+twenty-eighth baron lived you will witness a lively and
+unusual entertainment.</p>
+
+       <hr />
+<br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+Transcriber's Note:<br /><br />
+
+Page 355: "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!" [final single quote changed to double quote].<br />
+Page 356: "<i>They</i> always do that." [final single quote changed to double quote].<br />
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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+
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@@ -0,0 +1,2323 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 3, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: March 15, 2006 [EBook #17994]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 3rd, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"After all," asks a writer, "why shouldn't Ireland have a Parliament,
+like England?" Quite frankly we do not like this idea of retaliation
+while more humane methods are still unexplored.
+
+* * *
+
+"The miners' strike," says a music-hall journal, "has given one
+song-writer the idea for a ragtime song." It is only fair to say that
+Mr. SMILLIE had no idea that his innocent little manoeuvre would
+lead to this.
+
+* * *
+
+The Admiralty does not propose to publish an official account of the
+Battle of Jutland. Indeed the impression is gaining ground that this
+battle will have to be cancelled.
+
+* * *
+
+We are asked to deny that, following upon the publication of _Mirrors
+of Downing Street_, by "A Gentleman with a Duster," Lord KENYON is
+about to dedicate to Sir CLAUDE CHAMPION DE CRESPIGNY a book entitled
+_A Peer with a Knuckle-Duster_.
+
+* * *
+
+"Mr. Lloyd George seems to have had his hair 'bobbed' recently," says
+a gossip-writer in a Sunday paper. Mr. HODGES still sticks to the
+impression that it was really two-bobbed.
+
+* * *
+
+"Cigars discovered in the possession of Edward Fischer, in New York,"
+says a news item, "were found to contain only tobacco." Very rarely do
+we come across a case like that in England.
+
+* * *
+
+"Water," says a member of the L.C.C., "is being sold at a loss." But
+not in our whisky, we regret to say.
+
+* * *
+
+What is claimed to be the largest shell ever made has been turned out
+by the Hecla Works, Sheffield. It may shortly be measured for a war to
+fit it.
+
+* * *
+
+A taxi-driver who knocked a man down in Gracechurch Street has
+summoned him for using abusive language. It seems a pity that
+pedestrians cannot be knocked down without showing their temper like
+this.
+
+* * *
+
+After months of experiment at Thames Ditton the question of an
+artificial limb of light metal has been solved. It is said to be just
+the thing for Tube-travellers to carry as a spare.
+
+* * *
+
+In connection with Mr. PRINGLE'S recent visit to Ireland we are asked
+to say that he was not sent there as a reprisal.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE LANSBURY recently told a Poplar audience why he went to
+Australia many years ago. No explanation was offered of his return.
+
+* * *
+
+A coal-porter summoned for income-tax at West Ham Police Court said
+that his wages averaged eight hundred pounds a year. We think it only
+fair to say that there must be labouring men here and there who earn
+even less than that.
+
+* * *
+
+"The thief," says a weekly paper report, "entered the house by way of
+the front-door." We can only suppose that the burglars' entrance was
+locked at the time.
+
+* * *
+
+A small boy, born in a Turkish harem, is said to have forty-eight
+step-mothers living. Our office-boy, however, is still undefeated in
+the matter of recently defunct grandmothers.
+
+* * *
+
+The number of accidental deaths in France is attaining alarming
+proportions. It is certainly time that a stop was put to the quaint
+custom of duelling.
+
+* * *
+
+A rat that looks like a kangaroo and barks like a prairie dog is
+reported in Texas, says _The Columbia Record_. We can only say that,
+when we last heard that one, it was an elephant with white trunk and
+pink eyes.
+
+* * *
+
+"Why do leaders of the Bar wear such ill-fitting clothes?" asks a
+contemporary. A sly dig, we presume, at their brief bags.
+
+* * *
+
+A reduction in prices is what every housewife in the land is looking
+for, says _The Daily Express_. It is not known how our contemporary
+got hold of this idea.
+
+* * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that _The Daily Mail_ has offered a
+prize of a hundred pounds to the first person who can prove that it
+has been talking through its prize hat.
+
+* * *
+
+"What should _The Daily Mail_ hat be worn with?" asks an enthusiast.
+"Characteristic modesty" is the right answer.
+
+* * *
+
+Emigrants to Canada, it is stated, now include an increasingly large
+proportion of skilled workers. Fortunately, thanks to the high wages
+they earn at home, we are not losing the services of our skilled
+loafers.
+
+* * *
+
+A burglar who was recently sentenced in the Glasgow Police Court was
+captured while in the act of lowering a chest of drawers out of a
+window with a rope. The old method of taking the house home and
+extracting the furniture at leisure is still considered the safest by
+conservative house-breakers.
+
+* * *
+
+Found under a bed in a strange house at Grimsby, a man told the police
+who arrested him that he was looking for work. It was pointed out to
+him that the usual place for men looking for work is in bed, not under
+it.
+
+* * *
+
+In a recent case a Hull bargee gave his name as ALFAINA SWASH.
+Nevertheless the Court did not decide to hear the rest of his evidence
+_in camera_.
+
+* * *
+
+A cyclist who stopped to watch a stag-hunt near Tivington Cross, in
+Somerset, was tossed into the hedge by the stag. On behalf of the
+beast it is claimed that the cyclist was off-side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SHE DON'T 'ARF SWANK SINCE 'ER FARVER WAS KNOCKED OVER
+BY A ROLLS-ROYCE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Czecho-Slovaks will shortly be able to see the successful
+    play, 'The Right to Stroke.'"--_Evening Paper._
+
+Good news for the local pussies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The first annual dinner of the ---- Club was held in the Club
+    Rooms on Saturday evening, a large number sitting down to an
+    excellent coal collation."--_Local Paper._
+
+Surely a little extravagant in these times.
+
+=THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS GERMAN FRIENDS.=
+
+  "Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel;
+  Defenceless victims ye are, in claws of spite a prey.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done
+  On Satan's chamberlains highseated in Berlin;
+  Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun:
+  Tho' in craven Germany was no man found, not one
+  With spirit enough to cry Shame!--Nay but on such sin
+  Follows Perdition eternal ... and it has begun."
+
+_The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," November 4th, 1918._
+
+    "The letter [of reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., 'to
+    their fellows in Germany'] is written ... with the recognition
+    that we have both of us been provoked to 'animosities' which we
+    desire to put aside ... The commonest objection was that the
+    action was 'premature'--my own feeling being that of shame
+    for having vainly waited so long in deference to political
+    complications, and that shame was intolerably increasing ... It
+    is undiscerning not to see that at a critical moment of extreme
+    tension they [the German Professors] allowed their passion to get
+    the better of them."
+
+    _The POET LAUREATE, in "The Times," October 27th, 1920_.
+
+    [The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to
+    do full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's
+    craftsmanship.]
+
+  Such people as lacked the leisure to peruse
+    My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long
+    In _The Times_, may like me, as having the gift of song,
+  To prosodise succinctly my private views.
+
+  Did I cry Shame! in November, 1918,
+    On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell?
+  Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean
+    My soul of a wrong that grew intolerable.
+  What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore,
+    Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds?
+    Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds;
+  We too were vexed and wanted our fellows' gore,
+  Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension
+  Which in our calmer hours we should never mention.
+
+  Dons in their academic ignorance blind,
+    With passions like to our own as pea to pea,
+  Shall we await in them a change of mind?
+    Shall we require a repentant apology?
+  Or in a generous spasm anticipate
+    The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress
+    Of labour involved in planning new frightfulness,
+  They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate?
+
+  Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow
+    "Perdition eternal"; Heaven would make this its care,
+    Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare.
+  Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow,
+  Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence,
+    That a few brief years of Coventry, of denied
+    Communion with Culture--used in the Oxford sense--
+  Are ample for getting our difference rectified.
+
+  What is a Laureate paid for, I ask _The Times_,
+  If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes?
+  I stamp my foot on my wrath's last smouldering ember,
+  And for my motto I take "_Lest we remember_."    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY.=
+
+I let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting on one of
+those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers for persons of
+second quality who are bidden to wait in the hall.
+
+"You want to see me?" I inquired. "Yes; what is it?"
+
+"I have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with your laundry."
+
+"Far from it," I said. "It is kind of you to ask, but why?"
+
+"Because I wish to solicit your custom for the laundry I represent."
+
+"What faults do you specialise in?" I inquired.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Madam?"
+
+"Will you send home my husband's collars with an edge like a
+dissipated saw?"
+
+The young woman's face brightened with comprehension.
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she replied. "We exercise the greatest care with
+gentlemen's stand-up collars."
+
+"Will you shrink my combinations to the size of a doll's?"
+
+An expression of horror invaded her countenance. "The utmost
+precaution," she asserted, "is taken to prevent the shrinkage of
+woollens."
+
+"Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to two hems connected
+by a few stray rags in the middle?"
+
+The young woman was aghast. "All towels are handled as gently as
+possible to avoid tearing," she replied.
+
+"How about handkerchiefs?" I asked. "I dislike to find myself grasping
+my bare nose through a hole in the centre."
+
+The suggestion made my visitor laugh.
+
+"Are you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread, impossible
+to extricate, into conspicuous parts of one's clothing?"
+
+"Oh, no, Madam," she asseverated; "no linen is allowed to leave our
+establishment with any disfiguring marks."
+
+"You never, I suppose, return clothing dirtier than when it reached
+you?" I proceeded.
+
+Suppressed scorn that I could believe in such a possibility flashed
+momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an emphatic denial.
+
+"Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging to other people
+while one's own are missing?"
+
+"Never, I can assure you, Madam."
+
+"Does the man who delivers the washing habitually turn the basket
+upside down so that the heavy things below crush all the delicate
+frilly things that ought to be on top?"
+
+She seemed incapable of conceiving that such perverted creatures could
+exist.
+
+"Do they never whistle in an objectionable manner while waiting for
+the soiled clothes?"
+
+"Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madam."
+
+"Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does to me, and
+even more, and when I write to complain they disregard my letters."
+
+"We rarely have complaints, Madam, and all such receive prompt
+attention. I can give references in this street--in this block of
+flats even."
+
+"Well," said I, "if you like to give me a card I am willing to let you
+have a trial."
+
+The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and handed me a card.
+
+"The Superfection Laundry," I read with amazement. "Surely there must
+be some mistake?"
+
+"Are you not Mrs. Fulton?" asked the young woman.
+
+"No, you have come a floor too high. Mrs. Fulton lives in the flat
+below me."
+
+"I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see Mrs. Fulton.
+But all the same may we not add you to the list of our customers?"
+
+"Impossible," I said.
+
+"May I ask your reasons, Madam?"
+
+"Because the laundry I employ at present is the Superfection."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Church Militant in the Near East.=
+
+    "Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30; one of
+    the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some 6 miles
+    to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken by the
+    Cassocks."--_Evening Paper._
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SIGN.]
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Guest (exasperated with waiting)._ "I'VE A GOOD MIND TO DRIVE
+OFF, BUT I'M AFRAID OF HITTING THAT IDIOT IN FRONT."
+
+_The Hostess._ "HIT HIM WHERE YOU LIKE, DEAR--IT'S MY HUSBAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=PROOF POSITIVE.=
+
+This kind of thing had been going on morning after morning until I was
+quite tired.
+
+_They._ You ought to get hold of a good dog.
+
+It is extraordinary how many things one ought to get hold of in the
+country. Sometimes it is a wood-chopper and sometimes a couple of
+hundred cabbages, and sometimes a cartload of manure, and sometimes a
+few good hens. I find this very exhausting to the grip.
+
+_I._ What for?
+
+_They._ To watch your house.
+
+_I._ I do not wish to inflict pain on a good dog. What kind of a dog
+ought it to be?
+
+_They._ Well, a mastiff.
+
+_I._ Isn't that rather a smooth kind of dog? If I have to get hold of
+a dog, I should like one with rather a rougher surface.
+
+_They._ Try an Irish terrier.
+
+_I._ I have. They fight.
+
+_They._ Not unless they're provoked.
+
+_I._ Nobody fights unless he is provoked. But more things provoke an
+Irish terrier than one might imagine. The postman provoked my old one
+so much that it bit the letters out of his hand and ate them.
+
+_They._ Well, you didn't get any bills, then.
+
+_I._ Yes, I did. Bills always came when the dog was away for the
+week-end. He was a great week-ender, and he always came back from
+week-ends with more and more pieces out of his ears until at last they
+were all gone, and he couldn't hear us when we called him.
+
+_They._ Well, there are plenty of other sorts. You might have a Chow
+or an Airedale or a boar-hound.
+
+_I._ Thank you, I do not hunt boars. Besides, all the dogs you mention
+are very expensive nowadays. In the War it was quite different. You
+could collect dogs for practically nothing then. My company used to
+have more than a dozen dogs parading with it every day. They had never
+seen so many men so willing to go for so many long walks before. They
+thought the Millennium had come. A proposal was made that they should
+be taught to form fours and march in the rear. But, like all great
+strategical plans, it was stifled by red tape. After that--
+
+_They._ You are getting away from the point. If you really want a good
+cheap dog--
+
+_I._ Ah, I thought you were coming to that. You know of a good cheap
+dog?
+
+_They._ The gardener of my sister-in-law's aunt has an extremely good
+cheap dog.
+
+_I._ And would it watch my house?
+
+_They._ Most intently.
+
+That is how Trotsky came to us. Nobody but a reckless propagandist
+would say that he is either a mastiff or a boar-hound, though he once
+stopped when we came to a pig. I do not mind that. What I do mind is
+their saying, now that they have palmed him off on me, "I saw you out
+with your what-ever-it-is yesterday," or "I did not know you had taken
+to sheep-breeding," or "What is that thing you have tied up to the
+kennel at the back?" There seems to be something about the animal's
+tail that does not go with its back, or about its legs that does not
+go with its nose, or about its eyes that does not go with its fur. If
+it is fur, that is to say. And the eyes are a different colour and
+seem to squint a little. They say that one of them is a wall-eye. I
+think that is the one he watches the house with. Personally I consider
+that they are very handsome eyes in their own different lines, and my
+opinion is that he is a Mull-terrier; or possibly a Rum. Anyhow he is
+a good dog to get hold of, for he is very curly.
+
+The village policeman came round to the house the other day. I think
+he really came to talk to the cook, but I fell into conversation with
+him.
+
+"You ought to be getting a licence for that dog of yours," he said.
+
+"What dog?" I asked.
+
+"Why, you've got a dog tied up at the back there, haven't you?" he
+said.
+
+"Have I?" said I.
+
+And we went out and looked at it together. Trotsky looked at me with
+one eye and at the policeman with the other, and he wagged his tail.
+At least I am not sure that he wagged it; "shook" would be a better
+word.
+
+"Where did you get it?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, I just got hold of it," I said airily. "It's rather good, don't
+you think?"
+
+He stood for some time in doubt.
+
+"It's a dog," he said at last.
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand.
+
+"You have taken a great load off my mind," I told him. "I will get a
+licence at once."
+
+This will score off them pretty badly.
+
+After all you can't go behind a Government certificate, can you? EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  _Caller._ "IS MRS. JONES AT HOME?"
+  _Cook-General._ "SHE IS, BUT SHE AIN'T 'ARDLY IN A FIT STATE TO SEE
+   ANYBODY. SHE'S JUST BIN GIVIN' ME NOTICE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CRY OF THE ADULT AUTHOR.=
+
+[The "Diarist" of _The Westminster Gazette_, in the issue of October
+25th, utters a poignant _cri de coeur_ over what he regards as one
+of the great tragedies of the time--the crowding-out of the
+"genuine craftsmen" of journalism and letters by Cabinet Ministers,
+notoriety-mongers and, above all, by sloppy infant prodigies.]
+
+  Oh, bitter are the insults
+    And bitter is the shame
+  Heaped on deserving authors
+    Of high and strenuous aim,
+  When all the best booksellers
+    Their shelves and windows cram
+  With novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  In recent Autumn seasons
+    Writers of age mature
+  (From eighteen up to thirty)
+    Of sympathy were sure;
+  _Now_ publishers their portals
+    On everybody slam
+  Save novelists from the nursery
+    And poets from the pram.
+
+  Unfairly WINSTON CHURCHILL
+    Invades the Sunday sheets;
+  Unfairly MRS. ASQUITH
+    With serious scribes competes;
+  But these are minor evils--
+    What makes me cuss and damn
+  Are novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+  When on the concert platform
+    The prodigy appears
+  I do not grudge his welcome,
+    The clappings and the cheers;
+  But I can't forgive the people
+    Who down our throats would cram
+  The novelists from the nursery,
+    The poets from the pram.
+
+  I met a (once) best seller,
+    And I took him by the hand,
+  And asked, "How's OPAL WHITELEY
+    And how does DAISY stand?"
+  He answered, "I can only
+    See sloppiness and sham
+  In novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram."
+
+  If I were only despot,
+    To end this painful feud
+  I'd banish straight to Mespot
+    The scribbling infant brood,
+  And bar the importation,
+    By that hustler, Uncle Sam,
+  Of novels from the nursery
+    And poems from the pram.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of Sir J. FORBES-ROBERTSON'S _debut_:--
+
+    "It was interesting to remember that in the audience on that
+    occasion were Dante, Gabriel, Rossetti and Algernon Charles
+    Swinburne."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The archangel was a great catch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the Royal Cream horses were dispersed from the royal
+    stables, one or two golf clubs made an endeavour to get one of
+    these fine animals, and Ranelagh and Sandy Lodge were fortunate to
+    secure them. The horses look fine on the course behind the mower."
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Shoving, we suppose, for all they are worth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=EUCLID IN REAL LIFE.=
+
+If it was not for the paper-shortage I should at once re-write EUCLID,
+or those parts of him which I understand. The trouble about old EUCLID
+was that he had no soul, and few of his books have that emotional
+appeal for which we look in these days. My aim would be to bring home
+his discoveries to the young by clothing them with human interest;
+and I should at the same time demonstrate to the adult how often they
+might be made practically useful in everyday life. When one thinks
+of the times one draws a straight line at right angles to another
+straight line, and how seldom one does it EUCLID'S way ... every time
+one writes a T....
+
+Well, let us take, for example--
+
+BOOK III., PROPOSITION 1.
+
+PROBLEM.--_To find the centre of a given circle_.
+
+Let ABC be that horrible round bed where you had the geraniums
+last year. This year, I gather, the idea is to have it nothing but
+rose-trees, with a great big fellow in the middle. The question is,
+where is the middle? I mean, if you plant it in a hurry on your own
+judgment, everyone who comes near the house will point out that the
+bed is all cock-eye. Besides, you can see it from the dining-room and
+it will annoy you at breakfast.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--Well, this is how we go about it. First, you draw any
+chord AB in the given bed ABC. You can do that with one of those long
+strings the gardener keeps in his shed, with pegs at the end.
+
+Bisect AB at D.
+
+Now don't look so stupid. We've done that already in Book I., Prop.
+10, you remember, when we bisected the stick of nougat. That's right.
+
+Now from D draw DC at right angles to AB, and meeting the lawn at C.
+You can do that with a hoe.
+
+Produce CD to meet the lawn again at E.
+
+Now we do some more of that bisecting; this time we bisect EC at F.
+
+Then F shall be the middle of the bed; and that's where your rose-tree
+is going.
+
+PROOF???--Well, I mean, if F be _not_ the centre let some point
+G, outside the line CE, be the centre and put the confounded tree
+_there_. And, what's more, you can jolly well join GA, GD and GB, and
+see what that looks like.
+
+Just cast your eye over the two triangles GDA and GDB.
+
+Don't you see that DA is equal to DB (unless, of course, you've
+bisected that chord all wrong), and DG is common, and GA is equal to
+GB--at least according to your absurd theory about G it is, since they
+must be both _radii_. _Radii_ indeed! _Look_ at them. Ha, ha!
+
+Therefore, you fool, the angle GDA is equal to the angle GDB.
+
+Therefore they are both right angles.
+
+Therefore the angle GDA is a right angle. (I know you think I'm
+repeating myself, but you'll see what I'm getting at in a minute.)
+
+_Therefore_--and this is the cream of the joke--therefore--really, I
+can't help laughing--therefore _the angle CDA is equal to the angle
+GDA!_ That is, the part is equal to the whole--which is ridiculous.
+
+I mean, it's too _laughable_.
+
+So, you see, your rose-tree is not in the middle at all.
+
+In the same way you can go on planting the old tree all over the
+bed--anywhere you like. In every case you'll get those right angles in
+the same ridiculous position--why, it makes me laugh _now_ to think of
+it--and you'll be brought back to dear old CE.
+
+And, of course, any point in CE _except_ F would divide CE unequally,
+which I notice now is just what you've done yourself; so F is wrong
+too.
+
+But you see the idea?
+
+What a mess you've made of the bed!
+
+BOOK I., PROPOSITION 20.
+
+THEOREM.--_Any two sides of a triangle are together greater than the
+third side_.
+
+Let ABC be a triangle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CONSTRUCTION.--You know the eleventh hole? Well, let B be the tee,
+and let C be the green, and let BC be my drive. Yes, _mine_. Is it
+dead? Yes.
+
+Now let BA be _your_ drive. I'm afraid you've pulled it a bit and gone
+into the road by the farm.
+
+You can't get on to the green by the direct route AC because you're
+under the wall. You'll have to play further up the road till you get
+opposite that gap at D. It's a pity, because you'll have to play about
+the same distance, only in the wrong direction.
+
+Take your niblick, then, and play your second, making AD equal to AC.
+Now join CD.
+
+I mean, put your third on the green. You can do that, _surely_? Good.
+
+PROOF.--There, I'm down in two. But we won't rub it in. Do you notice
+anything odd about these triangles? No? Well, the fact is that AD is
+equal to AC, and the result of that is that the angle ACD is equal to
+the angle ADC. That's Prop. 5. Anyhow, it's obvious, isn't it?
+
+But steady on. The angle BCD is greater than its part, the angle
+ACD--you must admit that? (Look out, there's a fellow going to drive.)
+
+And therefore the angle BCD--Oh, well, I can't go into it all now or
+it will mean we shall have to let these people through; but if you
+carry on on those lines you'll find that BD is greater than BC.
+
+I mean you've only got to go back to where you played your third and
+you'll see that it _must_ be so, won't you? Very well, then, don't
+argue.
+
+But BD is equal to BA and AC, for AD is equal to AC; it _had_ to be,
+you remember.
+
+Therefore--now follow this closely--the two sides BA and AC are
+together greater than the third side BC.
+
+That means, you see, that by pulling your drive out to the left there
+you gave yourself a lot of extra distance to cover.
+
+You'd never have guessed that, would you? But old EUCLID did.
+
+Come along, then; they're putting. You must be more careful at this
+hole.
+
+I think it's that right shoulder of yours ...
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Our Candid Candidates.=
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "Should I get returned as your representative you will have no
+    cause for regret when my term of office expires."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The strike of the mechanical staff of the 'Karachi Daily Gazette'
+    has ended."
+
+    _Evening Paper_.
+
+We wondered why everybody looked so pleased in London that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Since her treatment with the monkey gland Miss Ediss has received
+    enough complimentary nuts to stock a market garden. An ornate
+    basket of monkey nuts fills a prominent place in her room, and
+    two cocoanuts tied up with coloured ribbon strike the eye of the
+    visitor."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+In that case we shall postpone our intended visit until Miss EDISS is
+herself again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =MANNERS AND MODES.=
+
+NOW THAT MEN'S ATTIRE IS SO COSTLY WHY NOT TAKE A LEAF FROM THE
+LADIES' BOOK OF FASHION AND LET THE TAILORS HAVE DRESS PARADES OF THE
+LATEST DESIGNS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CULT OF FACE-READING.
+
+'_Erb_ (_a cinema habitue_). "SEE WOT 'E'S SAYING, EM'LY? '_E'S STILL
+AT THE OFFICE AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GET 'OME TO DINNER_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE CONSPIRATORS.=
+
+VI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--I was talking to the Editor the other day about this
+correspondence of ours which we are conducting in the public Press,
+thus saving the twopenny stamps and avoiding the increased cost of
+living which is hitting everyone else so hard.
+
+"This ought to be put a stop to," said he.
+
+"That is just what I have been saying since 1918," I replied; "but the
+question is what to do about it? When you get down to it, the word
+'Bolshevist' is but the Russian for 'advanced Socialist,' and there is
+nothing to prevent Socialists, whether they be advanced or retarded.
+How then are you going to put a stop to Bolshevism?"
+
+"I was thinking of the correspondence," the Editor replied.
+
+So I stopped talking to him and sat down to write my last letter to
+you on the subject.
+
+To resume: In the summer of 1918 the German War Lords began to have
+their doubts of a Pax Germanica and saw signs rather of a Wash-out
+Germanicum. Things looked ill with them, so they consulted their
+doctor, a certain person who called himself "Dr. Help-us" by way of a
+jest. He proved more successful as a business man, however, than he
+was as a humourist. He advised that the "War of World Conquest" was
+not likely to produce a dividend, because its name was against it.
+Cut out "Imperialism"; substitute another word, with just as many
+syllables and no less an imposing sound, "Proletariat"; call the thing
+"Class Warfare"; advertise it thoroughly and attract to it all the
+political egoists of disappointed ambition in the various countries of
+the enemy, and the German War Lords would find it no longer necessary
+to crush all existing nations, since all existing nations would then
+set about to crush themselves.
+
+The idea was voted excellent, and the trial run in Russia gave
+complete satisfaction.
+
+But not all countries were so immediately susceptible to the idea of
+a World Revolution. Victory hath its charms and does not predispose a
+people to complain; so where the Masses (invested with a capital "M"
+to flatter their vanity and secure their goodwill) were victorious and
+content they were to be made to believe by advertisement that with
+a little trouble they could become even more victorious and more
+content. The KAISER and Imperialism had been disposed of; it only
+remained to get rid of Capitalism and Charles. The subterranean
+campaign was developed, and that is what our conspirators have since
+been so brisk and busy about.
+
+That was the programme; but it is a programme which required money.
+And so at last to the Chinese Bonds.
+
+Oh, those Chinese Bonds! How some people abroad have learned to curse
+the very mention of them these last many months! I don't know where
+that tiresome man, LITVINOFF, first got them from, but my poor
+friends, whose business all this is, were running after them at least
+ten months ago. Sometimes they were in Russia, sometimes they showed
+up in Denmark, sometimes they got scent of them in Germany, and I am
+told it is the merest fluke that the Bonds did not come to Switzerland
+for the winter sports. And wherever they turned up they were always
+just on their way to England; either they had a poor sense of
+direction or, being bad sailors, were afraid of the crossing. There
+was never any knowing in what corner of the earth they would next be
+appearing; in fact the only country which those Chinese Bonds seemed
+to have successfully avoided was China.
+
+The first time we heard of them, I will admit that we were thrilled.
+They gave a touch of reality to an otherwise over-hairy and
+unconvincing narrative of conspiracy. The second time we were told of
+them we were pleasurably moved. So it was true, after all, about those
+Chinese Bonds?
+
+The third time we heard of them we were satisfied; the fourth time we
+heard of them we were indifferent; the fifth time bored, the sixth
+time irritated, the seventh time infuriated, and the eighth time
+we said to our informant, "Now look you here. We appreciate the
+excitement of your mysterious presence and the soothing effects of
+your hushed voice, and as long as you care to go on revealing your
+secrets we will listen. You may speak of finance and you may even
+touch upon British bank-notes forged by the Soviets; you may go so far
+as to divulge some new forms of script involved, getting as near as
+even, say, Japanese Debentures; but if you so much as mention China or
+its Bonds to us again we will wrap you up in a parcel and post you
+to Moscow with a personal note of warning to LENIN as to your inner
+knowledge and the dangerous publicity you are giving it."
+
+For ourselves we wrote many a learned treatise on the subject and sent
+many a thousand memos home to those authorities near to whose hearts
+the welfare of those Bonds should be. And after many months of this
+correspondence someone in the what-d'you-call-it office suddenly
+sat up and took notice and wrote to us as follows: "His Majesty's
+Principal Secretary of State for Thingummy has the honour to inform
+you that rumours have reached his ears concerning the existence of
+certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese, in the hands of Bolshevist
+agitators coming or intending to come to this country. You are
+requested to ascertain and report what, if anything, is known of these
+Chinese Bonds."
+
+I could have made a story for you of the uses to which the Bonds were
+put in other countries and newspapers as well as your own. But that
+painfully honest journal, _The Daily Herald_, has anticipated me.
+And anything more you want to know about the conspiracies or the
+conspirators you may now, as I judge from reading your Press,
+experience for yourself. So upon that these letters may end. I would
+like to have concluded by a protestation that, in making these frank
+statements as to the working of, and against, the Conspirators, I
+personally draw no pecuniary benefit of any sort, not a sovereign,
+not a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is perhaps better, however, to
+anticipate discovery by owning up to the fact that my frankness is
+being paid for at so many pence per line.
+
+  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+(_Concluded_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Party_. "ARE YOU SURE THAT LOBSTER'S ALL
+RIGHT?"
+
+_Fishmonger_ (_on his dignity_). "QUITE RIGHT, SIR. IF IT ISN'T WE
+SHALL BE HERE TO-MORROW."
+
+_Nervous Party_. "YES--BUT SHALL _I_ BE HERE TO-MORROW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A PROFESSOR OF TANGO:
+
+"_Nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAGE.
+
+He stood in the packed building, a small lonely figure, pathetic in
+the isolation that shut him off from the warm humanity of the watching
+crowd.
+
+He felt weak, ill, but he struggled to bear himself bravely. He could
+not move his eyes from the stern white face that seemed to fill all
+the space in front of him. About that cold minatory figure, which was
+speaking to him in such passionless even tones, clung an atmosphere of
+awe; the traditional robes of office lent it a majesty that crushed
+his will.
+
+He knew he was being addressed, and he strove to listen. His brain was
+a torrent of thoughts. And so his life had come to this. It was indeed
+the final catastrophe. That was surely what the voice meant--that
+voice which went on and on in an even stream of sound without meaning.
+Why had he come to this--in the flower of his life to lose its
+chiefest gift, Liberty?
+
+Up and down the spaces of his brain thought sped like fire. The people
+behind--did they care? A few perhaps pitied him. The others were
+indifferent. To them it was merely a spectacle.
+
+Suddenly into his mind crept the consciousness of a vast silence. The
+voice had stopped. The abrupt cessation of sound whipped his quivering
+nerves. It was like the holding of a great breath.
+
+He gathered his forces. He knew that the huge concourse waited. A
+question had been put to him. It seemed as if the world stood still to
+listen.
+
+He moistened his lips. He knew what he had meant to say, but his
+tongue was a traitor to his desire. What use now to plead? The
+soundlessness grew intolerable. He thought he should cry aloud.
+
+And then--
+
+"I will," he said, and, looking sideways, caught the swift shy glance
+of his bride.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Master Plumber_. "I'VE NEVER SEED A BLOKE TAKE SO
+LONG OVER A JOB IN ALL ME LIFE. THAT LAD'LL GO FAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.=
+
+  THE SPONGE.
+
+  The sponge is not, as you suppose,
+  A funny kind of weed;
+  He lives below the deep blue sea,
+  An animal, like you and me,
+  Though not so good a breed.
+
+  And when the sponges go to sleep
+  The fearless diver dives;
+  He prongs them with a cruel prong,
+  And, what I think is rather wrong,
+  He also prongs their wives.
+
+  For I expect they love their wives
+  And sing them little songs,
+  And though, of course, they have no heart
+  It hurts them when they're forced to part--
+  Especially with prongs.
+
+  I know you'd rather not believe
+  Such dreadful things are done;
+  Alas, alas, it is the case;
+  And every time you wash your face
+  You use a skeleton.
+
+  And that round hole in which you put
+  Your finger and your thumb,
+  And tear the nice new sponge in two,
+  As I have told you _not_ to do,
+  Was once his _osculum_.
+
+  So that is why I seldom wash,
+  However black I am,
+  But use my flannel if I must,
+  Though even that, to be quite just,
+  Was once a little lamb.       A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK.=
+
+We understand that an expedition will shortly leave the United States
+for Central Asia in search of the Missing Link. "Aeroplanes, motor
+cars, camels, mules and all means of locomotion found suitable will
+be used by the anthropologists, archaeologists and other scientists"
+taking part.
+
+We predict that an enterprise so opposed to all the traditions of
+exploration is doomed to failure. We cannot doubt that the Missing
+Link possesses a sense of smell keen enough to detect a camel or a
+Ford car while yet afar off. His regrettable elusiveness is more
+likely to be established than overcome when he beholds mules and
+anthropologists, attended by aeroplanes and motor-cars, and possibly
+whippet-tanks, motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even if there are
+only nine or ten of each variety it will be enough to ensure that the
+adventurers miss the Link after all.
+
+Another aspect of the expedition should be borne in mind. The progress
+through the jungle of such vehicles and personnel would cause
+something like consternation among the larger fauna, whose limited
+intelligence might reasonably fail to distinguish the procession from
+a travelling menagerie. In these days of unrest is it right, is
+it expedient, thus to stir up species hatred? It would be indeed
+deplorable if the present quest were to be followed by a search party
+got up to trace the missing Missing Link expedition.
+
+Surely the old methods of the explorer are still the best. Simply
+equipped with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet, let him plunge into
+the bush and be lost to sight for a few years. Whereas the Missing
+Link may be relied on to remain resolutely beneath his rock at the
+sight of a sort of a Lord Mayor's Show wandering among the vegetation,
+the spectacle of a simple-looking traveller in the midst of the lonely
+forest would rather encourage the creature to emerge from its place of
+retreat.
+
+Then nothing would remain but for the explorer to advance with
+out-stretched hand (preferably the left), and exclaim, "The Missing
+Link, I presume?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CLOSE CORPORATION.
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN (_unemployed_). "IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY
+DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON?"
+
+TRADE UNION OFFICIAL. "MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND
+YEARS OF APPRENTICESHIP."
+
+EX-SERVICE MAN. "SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR
+WHEN THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, October 25th_.--Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME, the newest recruit
+on the Treasury Bench, already answers Questions with all the
+assurance of the other LLOYD G. His readiness in referring the
+inquisitive to other Departments and in declining to go beyond
+his brief--witness his modest refusal to discuss in reply to a
+Supplementary Question the possibility of imposing a tariff in this
+country--suggests that somewhere behind the SPEAKER'S chair there must
+be a school for Under-Secretaries where the callow back-bencher is
+instructed in the arts and crafts required in the seats of the mighty.
+
+For this purpose I can imagine no better instructor than the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who combines scrupulous politeness with an icy
+precision of language. Take, for example, his treatment of Mr.
+PEMBERTON BILLING'S defiant inquiry if it would now be "compatible
+with the dignity of the Government" to say that there had never been
+any intention to bring the War-criminals to trial. "No," replied Sir
+GORDON HEWART in his most pedagogic manner, "it cannot be compatible
+with anyone's dignity to make a statement which is manifestly untrue."
+
+[Illustration: A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT.
+
+Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME.
+
+_Parliamentary Secretary to the Board of Trade._]
+
+This week was to have been devoted, _de die in diem_, to getting on
+with the Government of Ireland Bill. But the malignant sprite that has
+hitherto foiled every effort to pacify Ireland again intervened, and
+the House found itself called upon to discuss the Emergency Powers
+Bill. The measure is a peace-time successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the
+opinion of the Government is getting a little _passee_) and, perhaps
+naturally, met with little approval. Mr. ASQUITH, while admitting
+that something of the kind might be required, took exception to the
+vagueness of its drafting. "What is 'substantial'?" he inquired.
+"Ask them another!" Mr. WILL THORNE joyfully interjected. "What is
+'substantial'?" repeated the EX-PREMIER; whereupon the Coalition with
+one voice replied, "WILL THORNE."
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING "SUBSTANTIAL." Mr. WILL THORNE.]
+
+With consummate skill the PRIME MINISTER managed to get the House out
+of its hostile mood and to satisfy the majority, at any rate, that
+the measure was neither provocative nor inopportune, but a necessary
+precaution against the possibility that "direct action" on the part
+of extra-Parliamentary bodies might confront the country with the
+alternatives of starvation or surrender.
+
+_Tuesday, October 26th_.--In these troublous times the House gladly
+seizes the smallest occasion for merriment. There was great laughter
+when Colonel YATE, the politest of men, inadvertently referred to Sir
+ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON as "the right honourable gent," and it broke
+forth again when, in his anxiety to make no further slip, he addressed
+him _tout court_ as "the right honourable."
+
+There are some fifty thousand British soldiers in Ireland, costing
+over a million pounds a month. But Mr. CHURCHILL took the cheery view
+that after all they had to be somewhere, and would cost nearly as much
+even in Great Britain.
+
+They would cost a good deal more in Mesopotamia, where we have a
+hundred thousand troops (British and Indian), and the cost is two
+and a half millions a month. Sir WILLIAM JOYNSON-HICKS could not
+understand why we should spend all this money "merely to hand the
+country back to the rebels." Mr. CHURCHILL said he had heard nothing
+about handing the country back to the rebels; from which it may be
+inferred either that he is not admitted into all the secrets of the
+Cabinet or that he draws a distinction between "rebels" and "persons
+who object to British rule."
+
+The Press campaign in favour of a nickel three-halfpenny coin has not
+succeeded. In Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S opinion it would not be a coin of
+vantage. Among his objections to it may be the extreme probability
+that the present Administration would promptly be nicknamed (I will
+not say nickel-named) "the Three-half-penny Government."
+
+Owing to a number of concessions announced by the HOME SECRETARY the
+Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly smooth passage through Committee.
+Objections were still raised to making an Emergency Act permanent--it
+_does_ sound rather like a contradiction in terms--but the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL skilfully countered them by pointing out that it was
+only the framework of the machinery, not the regulations, that would
+be permanent. One can imagine the bold bad baron who set up a gallows
+to overawe his villeins comforting objectors with the remark that
+after all it was merely a framework--quite useless without a rope.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOLD BAD BARON.
+
+_Sir Gordon Hewart_. "MERELY A FRAMEWORK--QUITE USELESS WITHOUT A
+ROPE."]
+
+_Wednesday, October 27th_.--Much pother in the Lords because the FIRST
+COMMISSIONER OF WORKS had set up a Committee to advise him with regard
+to the preservation of ancient monuments, including cathedrals and
+churches, without first consulting the ecclesiastical authorities.
+Lord PARMOOR moved a condemnatory resolution, and His Grace of
+CANTERBURY, after renouncing Sir ALFRED MOND and all his works,
+declared that, so far as religious edifices were concerned, the
+proposed Committee was a superfluity of naughtiness with which he
+personally would have nothing to do. Lord LYTTON, with that delightful
+free-and-easiness which characterises the attitude of our present
+Ministers towards their colleagues, observed that he could have
+sympathised with the objectors if it were really intended to place
+cathedrals under Sir ALFRED'S care; but it wasn't;--so why all this
+fuss? Lord CRAWFORD, while sharing the Opposition's dislike of
+restorers, from VIOLLET-LE-DUC to the late Lord GRIMTHORPE, could
+not admit that in this matter the Office of Works had been guilty of
+anything worse than a want of tact. Lord PARMOOR insisted on going
+to a division, and carried his motion by 27 to 17. Despite this
+shattering blow the Government is said to be going on as well as can
+be expected.
+
+[Illustration: A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH.]
+
+What happened at Jutland? After four years' cogitation the Admiralty
+does not appear to have emerged from the state of uncertainty into
+which it was plunged by the first news of the battle. In February
+last Mr. LONG announced that the official report would be published
+"shortly," but then the German sailors began to publish _their_
+stories, and these not very unnaturally differed from the British
+accounts. So now My Lords have decided to leave Sir JULIAN CORBETT'S
+_Naval History of the War_ to unravel the tangle and inform Lords
+JELLICOE and BEATTY (who, according to Sir JAMES CRAIG, are quite
+agreeable to the proposal) exactly what they and their gallant seamen
+really did on that famous occasion.
+
+_Thursday, October 28th_.--There being no Labour Party in the House
+of Lords the Emergency Powers Bill passed through all its stages in
+a single sitting. Even Lord CREWE did not challenge its necessity in
+these troublous times, but Lord ASKWITH was a little alarmed at the
+possibility that "an unreasoning Home Secretary"--as if there could
+ever be such a monster!--might be over-hasty to issue Orders in
+Council, and so exacerbate an industrial dispute.
+
+A long list of "reprisal" Questions--mercifully curtailed by the
+time-limit--was chiefly remarkable for Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD'S emphatic
+declaration that he was not going to accept the statements even of
+English newspaper correspondents against the reports of officials "for
+whom I am responsible and in whom I have confidence."
+
+Assuming that the House of Commons is, as it ought to be, a microcosm
+of the population, it will be some time before this country goes
+"dry." Members of all parties pressed upon the PRIME MINISTER the
+necessity of relaxing the regulations of the Liquor Control Board.
+His suggestion that an informal Committee should be set up to make
+recommendations to the Government was received with cheers, and there
+was much amusement when Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Lady ASTOR, who do not,
+I gather, quite see eye to eye on this subject, promptly nominated
+themselves for membership.
+
+As the PRIME MINISTER is popularly supposed to be not averse from
+appearing in the limelight, especially when there is good news to
+impart, it is pleasant to record that he left to Sir ROBERT HORNE the
+congenial task of announcing that an agreement had been reached with
+the Miners' Federation, and that the coal-strike was on the high road
+to settlement. The terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfactory to
+all parties, and the only mystery is why the negotiators should have
+required the stimulus of a strike before they could arrive at them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOWNING OF THE PEN.
+
+A little difference of opinion on the moral aspect of strikes which
+has been ventilated in _The Daily News_ has caused one correspondent
+to write: "Let us suppose that Mr. SILAS HOCKING regards the serial
+rights of one of his novels as worth L250. Suppose I offer him L100.
+What does he do? He withholds his labour; and quite right too!"
+
+But does this analogy go far enough? It would be a simple matter, for
+which we might easily console ourselves, if the author in question
+merely withheld his own labour. But if he followed modern strike
+tactics he would do more.
+
+Calling in aid the services of his brother JOSEPH, he would endeavour
+by peaceful persuasion to induce Mrs. ASQUITH, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT,
+Mrs. ELINOR GLYN, Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE and others to withhold their
+labour also. Picketing would follow, and London would be stirred to
+its depths by the news that Sir HALL CAINE was on duty outside the
+establishment of _The Sunday Pictorial_, and that Miss ETHEL M. DELL
+was in charge of the squad on the doorstep of the Amalgamated Press.
+
+Sympathetic strikes would develope. The newspaper-vendors would rise
+and demand that _The Daily Mirror_ feuilleton be suppressed, thus
+plunging the country into an agony of suspense, and railwaymen would
+cease work at the sight of any passenger immersed in the most recent
+instalment of the _Home Bits_ serial story.
+
+Mr. W. W. JACOBS would address mass meetings at the Docks, and Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC would embark on a resolute thirst-strike. At the same
+time daily newspapers would compete in offering solutions of the
+problem. One would say, "For goodness' sake give him the extra paltry
+one hundred and fifty pounds and let the country get on with its
+work;" and another would suggest a compromise at one hundred-and-fifty
+guineas, conditional upon the author's output.
+
+Far from the simple withholding of his labour by a single novelist,
+such a turmoil would ensue as would not only shake our intellectual
+life to its foundations, but would keep the PRIME MINISTER engaged in
+the exploration of interminable vistas of avenue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Mixed Education.=
+
+    "Formerly a student at Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford, her husband is
+    a Fellow of Balliol College."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Prospective Sitter_ (_with unconventional past_). "I
+ALWAYS THINK YOU GET SUCH WONDERFUL CHARACTER INTO YOUR PORTRAITS."
+
+_Artist_. "GLAD TO HEAR THAT. I ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE MY SUBJECTS'
+PORTRAITS A MIRROR OF THEIR PAST LIVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE SUBSTITUTE.=
+
+[Sweets are replacing alcohol.--_Vide Papers passim_.]
+
+  As more and more the god of wine
+    Grows faint from want of tippling,
+  Nor round his path the roses shine,
+    Nor purple streams are rippling;
+      As usquebaugh and malt and hops
+        No longer much entice us,
+      We crown anew with lollipops,
+      With peppermints, with acid drops,
+        The nobler Dionysus.
+
+  Bright coloured as his orient car,
+    Piled high with autumn splendours,
+  The pageants of the sweetstuffs are
+    At all the pastry-vendors;
+      From earliest flush of dawn till eight
+        The Maenad nymphs in masses,
+      With lions' help upbear the freight
+      Of marzipan and chocolate
+        And stickjaw and molasses.
+
+  The poet from whose lips of flame
+    Wine drew the songs, the full sighs,
+  Performs the business just the same
+    When masticating bull's-eyes;
+      The knight who bids a fond "Farewell,
+        Love's large, but honour's larger!"
+      Shares with the Lady Amabel
+      One last delicious caramel
+        And leaps upon his charger.
+
+  The rake inured to card-room traps,
+    Yet making fearful faces
+  Because his foes, perfidious chaps,
+    Have always all the aces--
+      "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!"
+        (The guttering candles quiver)--
+      Instead of draining brandy raw
+      Clenches a jujube in his jaw
+        And strolls towards the river.
+
+  O happier time that soothes the brain
+    And rids us of our glum fits
+  (Eliminating dry champagne)
+    With candy and with comfits!
+      The oak reflects the firelight's beam,
+        In song the moments fly by,
+      Till the old squire, his face agleam,
+      Sucking the last assorted cream,
+        Toddles away to bye-bye.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a P.S.A. notice:--
+
+    "Subject: 'A RENEWED WORLD--No Sorrow. No Pain. No Death.' No
+    Collection."--_Local Paper._
+
+The last item sounds almost too good to be true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the
+    England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited
+    Australia."--_Expensive Daily Paper._
+
+Hitherto it had been supposed that these cheerful little creatures
+only sought the kind of "ashes" that you get on the domestic hearth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WE AIN'T A BIT AFRAID, ALFY 'IGGINS. YER OWN FICE IS A
+LUMP UGLIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=A STRIKE IN FAIRYLAND.=
+
+The fairies were holding a meeting.
+
+"They grumble when we send the rain," said a Rain-fairy, "and they
+grumble when we don't."
+
+"And we get no thanks," sighed a Flower-fairy. "The time we spend
+getting the flowers ready and washing their faces and folding them up
+every night!"
+
+"As for the stars," said a Star-fairy, "we might just as well leave
+them unlit for all the gratitude we get, and it's such a rush
+sometimes to get all over the sky in time. They don't even believe in
+us. We wouldn't mind _anything_ if they believed in us."
+
+"No," agreed a Rainbow-fairy, "that's true. I take such a lot of
+trouble to get just the right colours, and it has to be done so
+quickly. But I wouldn't mind if they believed in us."
+
+"I wonder what _they_'d do," said the Queen, "if no one believed in
+them?"
+
+"They'd go on strike," said the Brown Owl (he was head of the Ministry
+of Wisdom). "They always go on strike if they don't like anything."
+
+"Then we'll go on strike," said the Queen with great determination.
+
+They all cheered, except the Flower-fairies.
+
+"But the flowers," they said, "they'll get so dusty with no one to
+wash them, and so tired with no one to fold them up at nights."
+
+"I hadn't thought of that," said the Queen. "When _they_ go on
+strike," she said to the Brown Owl, "how do things get done?"
+
+The Brown Owl considered for a moment and everyone waited in silence.
+
+"Of course there are sometimes blacklegs," he began.
+
+"I don't know what blacklegs are," said the Queen cheerfully, "but
+we'll appoint some." And she did.
+
+"Is that all?" said the Queen.
+
+"Someone ought to have a sympathetic strike with us," said the Brown
+Owl. "_They_ always do that."
+
+So a fairy was sent off to the Court of the Birds to request a
+sympathetic strike.
+
+"Is _that_ all?" said the Queen.
+
+"You ought to _talk_ more," said the Brown Owl. "_They_ talk ever so
+much."
+
+"Yes, but they can't help it, can they?" said the Queen kindly.
+
+And so the strike began that evening.
+
+None of the birds sang except one little blackleg Robin, who sang so
+hard in his efforts to make up for the rest that he was as hoarse as a
+crow the next morning. The blackleg fairies had a hard time too. They
+hadn't a minute to gossip with the flowers, as they usually did when
+they flew round with their acorn-cups of dew and thistledown sponges
+and washed their faces and folded up their petals and kissed them
+good-night.
+
+"But what's the matter?" said the flowers sleepily.
+
+"We're on strike," said one of the other fairies importantly "not for
+ourselves, but for posterity."
+
+The Brown Owl had heard _them_ say that.
+
+Meanwhile the rest of the fairies sat silent and rather mournful,
+awaiting developments.
+
+Then a Thought-fairy flew in. Thought-fairies can see into your heart
+and know just what you think. They get terrible shocks sometimes.
+
+"I've been all over the world," she said breathlessly, "and it's much
+better than you think. _All_ little girls believe in us and--" She
+paused dramatically.
+
+"Yes?" they said eagerly.
+
+"All fathers of little girls believe in us."
+
+The Queen shook her head.
+
+"They only pretend," she said.
+
+"No, that's just it," said the Thought-fairy. "They _pretend_ to
+pretend. They never tell anyone, but they really believe."
+
+"Then we'll end the strike," said the Queen.
+
+Here the Brown Owl bustled in, carrying a little note-book.
+
+"I've found out lots more," he said excitedly. "We must have an
+executive and delegates and a ballot and a union and a Sankey
+Commission report and a scale of the cost of living and a datum line
+and--"
+
+"But the strike's over," said the Queen. "It was a misunderstanding."
+
+"Of course," he said huffily. "All strikes are that, but it's correct
+to carry them on as long as possible."
+
+"And the blacklegs are to have a special reward."
+
+"That's illogical," muttered the Brown Owl.
+
+He was right, of course, but things _are_ illogical in Fairyland.
+That's the nicest part of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Salesman_. "IT IS POSSIBLE THAT IT MAY INTEREST YOU
+TO KNOW THAT OUR CAR WAS DRIVEN UP ALL THE FLIGHTS OF STEPS AT THE
+CRYSTAL PALACE."
+
+_Inquiring Visitor_. "WELL--ER--NOT MUCH. YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A
+BUNGALOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fears are entertained that the chalice, which is of silver-gilt,
+    may have been broken up and investments profaned."--_Daily
+    Herald._
+
+We should have thought that our Communistic contemporary was the last
+paper that would have considered investments sacred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "K. T. B---- and T. W. H----, both of Liverpool, who were in
+    company with Mr. L---- in the car, agreed that the speed was about
+    fifty-one miles an hour. On the gradient and at the turn it was
+    not safe to travel faster."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+One of those examples of "Safety First" which we are always pleased to
+chronicle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  =THE OPENING RUN.=
+
+  The rain-sodden grass in the ditches is dying;
+    The berries are red to the crest of the thorn;
+  Coronet-deep where the beech-leaves are lying
+    The hunters stand tense to the twang of the horn;
+  Where rides are refilled with the green of the mosses,
+    All foam-flecked and fretful their long line is strung;
+  You can see the white gleam as a starred forehead tosses,
+    You can hear the low chink as a bit-bar is flung.
+
+  The world's full of music. Hounds rustle the rover
+    Through brushwood and fern to a glad "Gone away!"
+  With a "Come along, Pilot!"--one spur-touch and over--
+    The huntsman is clear on his galloping grey;
+  Before him the pack's running straight on the stubble--
+    "_Toot-toot-too-too-too-oot!_" "_Tow-row-ow-ow-ow!_"
+  The leaders are clambering up through the double
+    And glittering away on the brown of the plough.
+
+  The front rank, hands down, have the big fence's measure;
+    The faint-hearts are craning to left and to right;
+  The Master goes through with a crash on "The Treasure;"
+    The grey takes the lot like a gull in his flight;
+  There's a brown crumpled up, lying still as a dead one;
+    There's a roan mare refusing, as stubborn as sin;
+  While the breaker flogs up on a green underbred one
+    And smashes the far-away rail with a grin.
+
+  The chase carries on over hilltop and hollow,
+    The life of Old England, the pluck and the fun;
+  And who would ask more than a stiff line to follow
+    With hounds running hard in the Opening Run?
+
+  W. H. O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN PRAISE OF THE PELICANS.
+
+  The pelicans in St. James's Park
+  On every day from dawn to dark
+  Pursue, inscrutable of mien,
+  A fixed unvarying routine.
+  Whatever be the wind or weather
+  They spend their time in peace together,
+  And plainly nothing can upset
+  The harmony of their quartet.
+
+  Most punctually by the clock
+  They roost upon or quit their rock,
+  Or swim ashore and hold their levee,
+  Lords of the mixed lacustrine bevy;
+  Or with their slow unwieldy gait
+  Their green domain perambulate,
+  Or with prodigious flaps and prances
+  Indulge in their peculiar dances,
+  Returning to their feeding-ground
+  What time the keeper goes his round
+  With fish and scraps for their nutrition
+  After laborious deglutition.
+
+  Calm, self-sufficing, self-possessed,
+  They never mingle with the rest,
+  Watching with not unfriendly eye
+  The antics of the lesser fry,
+  Save when bold sparrows draw too near
+  Their mighty beaks--and disappear.
+
+  Outlandish birds, at times grotesque,
+  And yet superbly picturesque,
+  Although resignedly we mourn
+  A Park dismantled and forlorn,
+  Long may it be ere you forsake
+  Your quarters on the minished Lake;
+  For there, with splendid plumes and hues
+  And ways that startle and amuse,
+  You constantly refresh the eye
+  And cheer the heart of passers-by,
+  Untouched by years of shock and strain,
+  Undeviatingly urbane,
+  And lending London's commonplace
+  A touch of true heraldic grace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RING IN THE OLD.
+
+There is a shabby-looking man who (I read it in _The Times_) rings the
+bell of London hospitals, asks to see the secretary, presumes (as is
+always a safe thing to do) that the establishment is grievously in
+need of funds, and without any further parley hands to the startled
+but gratified official bank-notes to the tune of five hundred pounds.
+He then vanishes without giving name or address. This unknown
+benefactor is dressed in top-boots, riding breeches of honourable
+antiquity, a black coat green with age and a "Cup Final" cap. At the
+same time (this too on _The Times'_ authority) there is an oddly and
+obsolescently attired lady going about who also makes London hospitals
+her hobby. She begins by asking the secretary if she may take off her
+boots, and, receiving permission, takes them off, places her feet on
+an adjacent chair and hands him two thousand pounds.
+
+The result of the activities of these angelic visitants is that all
+the other hospital porters have had instructions from their eager
+and hopeful secretaries to be careful to be polite to any and every
+person, even though he or she should be in rags, who expresses the
+faintest desire to enter on business; more than polite--solicitous,
+welcoming, cordial; while all the secretaries are at this moment
+polishing up their smiles and practising an easy manner with ladies in
+last century costumes who put sudden and unexpected requests.
+
+_The Times_, in limiting the effect of these curious occurrences
+entirely to hospital servants, seems to me to lose a great
+opportunity. Surely the consequences will be more wide-reaching than
+that? To my mind we may even go so far as to hail the dawn of the
+golden age for old clothes; for in the fear that shabbiness may
+be merely a whimsical disguise or the mark of a millionaire's
+eccentricity the whole world (which is very imitative and very hard
+up) will begin to fawn upon it, and then at last many of us will enter
+the earthly paradise.
+
+But the gentleman who puts ease before elegance and the lady who
+prefers comfort to convention have got to work a little harder yet.
+They must not fold their hands at the moment under the impression that
+their labours are done. The support of hospitals is humane and only
+too necessary, and all honour to them for their generosity; but other
+spheres of action await exploration.
+
+I had hoped that the War was going to reform ideas on dress and make
+things more simple for those whose trouser-knees go baggy so soon and
+remain thus for so long; but, like too many of the expectations which
+we used to foster, this also has failed. It is therefore the benign
+couple who must carry on the good work. Let them, if they really love
+their fellow-creatures, go to a wedding or two (having previously
+given a present of sufficient value to ensure respect) and display
+their careless garb among the guests, and then in a little while old
+garments would at these exacting functions become as fashionable as
+new and we should all be happier.
+
+I was asked to a wedding last week, and should have accepted but for
+the great Smart Clothes tradition. If _The Times'_ hero and heroine
+were to become imaginatively busy as I suggest, I could go to all the
+weddings in the world. (Heaven forbid!) Receptions, formal lunches,
+the laying of stones, the unveiling of monuments, private views--these
+ceremonies, now so full of terrors for any but the dressy, could be
+made endurable if only the gentleman in the black coat green with age
+and the lady with the elastic sides would show themselves prominently
+and receive conspicuous attentions.
+
+And then, if any more statues were needed for the police to keep
+their waterproofs on, one of them should be that of an unknown
+philanthropical gentleman who wears venerable top-boots, and another
+that of a philanthropical lady who would rather be without any boots
+at all, and the inscription on the pedestals would state that their
+glorious achievement was this: They made old clothes the thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD BEER FLAGON.
+
+(_Many old English flagons are adorned inside with grotesque figures
+of animals_.)
+
+  Within my foaming flagon
+    There crawls on countless legs
+  A lazy grinning dragon
+    That wallows in the dregs;
+  Of old I saw him nightly
+    Look up with friendly leer,
+  As if to hint politely,
+    "I share your taste in beer!"
+
+  Through merry nights unnumbered
+    (From Boxing Day to Yule)
+  He'd greet me, ere I slumbered,
+    From out his amber pool;
+  But now he is beginning
+    To look a trifle strange;
+  His smile, once wide and winning,
+    Has undergone a change.
+
+  No more, as pints diminish
+    (I wish the price grew less)
+  He hails me at the finish
+  With wonted cheeriness;
+  For, as I drain my mellow
+    Allowances of ale,
+  He seems to sigh, "Old fellow,
+  _Will_ PUSSYFOOT prevail?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "Cleaning and pressing suites, $3. Dyeing and pressing suits, $6.
+    Clothes returned looking like now."
+
+    _Advt. in_ "_Standard_" (_Buenos Aires_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an election address:--
+
+    "As a woman and a ratepayer, I realise the importance
+    of eliminating all unavoidable expenditure in Municipal
+    undertakings."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+We trust she will be elected and show how it's done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After an interval of seven years, the 'Beasts' Ball, a pre-war
+    popular annual event in aid of the Royal Society for Prevention of
+    Cruelty to Animals, is to be held at the Guildhall, on Wednesday,
+    November 10. Tickets can be obtained from Mrs. Bushe-Fox and from
+    Mrs. Wolf."--_Cambridge Review._
+
+It sounds just like _Uncle Remus_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE.=
+
+"WHAT'S THE KID SHOUTING ABOUT? THERE AIN'T NO RACING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.=
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+"Two households, both alike in dignity...." I ask you, could the
+novel, of which this quotation is the text, have been written by
+anyone but Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY? Actually indeed the disputants belong
+to two branches of the same family, that grim tribe of _Forsytes_,
+whom you remember in _The Man of Property_, and of whose collective
+history the present book is a further instalment (not, I fancy, the
+last). I should certainly advise anyone not already familiar with the
+former work to get up his _Forsytes_ therein before attacking this;
+otherwise he may risk some discouragement from the plunge into so
+numerous a clan, known for the most part only by Christian names, with
+their complex relationships and the mass of bygone happenings that
+unites or separates them. This stage of the tribal history is called
+_In Chancery_ (HEINEMANN), chiefly from the state of suspended
+animation experienced by the now middle-aged _Soames_ ("Man of
+Property") with regard to his never-divorced runaway wife _Irene_.
+Following the ruling _Forsyte_ instinct, _Soames_ wants a son who
+will keep together and even increase his great possessions, while
+continuing his personality. The expiring generation, represented by
+_James_, is urgent upon this duty to the family. You may imagine what
+Mr. GALSWORTHY makes of it all. These possessive persons, with their
+wealth, their hatred and affections and their various strongholds in
+the more eminently desirable parts of residential London, affect one
+like portions of some monstrous stone-fronted edifice, impressive but
+repellent. I have some curiosity to see, with Mr. GALSWORTHY'S help,
+how the _Forsyte_ castle stands the disintegration of 1914-18.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What with the scientists who explain things on the assumption that we
+know nearly as much as they do and those who explain things on the
+assumption that we know nothing, it is very difficult for you and me
+to persevere in our original determination to learn _something_. But I
+have always felt that Sir RAY LANKESTER is one of the very few who do
+understand us, and I feel it still more strongly now that I have read
+his _Secrets of Earth and Sea_ (METHUEN). He is instructive but human;
+he does not take it for granted that we know what miscegenation means,
+but he does credit us with a little intelligence. And he realises how
+many arguments we have had about questions like "Why does the sea look
+blue?" Personally I rushed at that chapter, though I must say that
+I was a little disappointed to find that the gist of his answer was
+"Because water _is_ blue." You see, if you had a tooth-glass fifteen
+feet high and filled it with water--But you must find out for
+yourself. Then I went on to the chapter on Coal, and discovered that
+"it is fairly certain that the blacker coal which we find in strata of
+great geological age was so produced by the action of special kinds of
+bacteria upon peat-like masses of vegetable refuse." I wonder if Mr.
+SMILLIE knows that. It might help him to a sense of proportion. The
+author is constantly setting up a surprising but stimulating relation
+between the naturalist's researches and the problems of human life, as
+when he observes that "the 'colour bar' is not merely the invention of
+human prejudice, but already exists in wild plants and animals," and
+in his remarks on mongrels and the regrettable subjection of the males
+of many species. There are chapters on Wheel Animalcules, Vesuvius,
+Prehistoric Art--everything--and all are admirably illustrated. A
+fascinating book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Diary of a Journalist_ (MURRAY) is a volume of which the title is
+its own sufficient description, save that it leaves unsuggested the
+interest that such briskly written and comprehensive comments as these
+of our old friend, Sir HENRY LUCY, must command. His book differs from
+most of those in the flood of recollections that has lately broken
+upon us in being a selection from "impressions of the moment written
+without knowledge of the ultimate result." In these stray moments
+between the years 1885 and 1917 I find at least two examples in which
+this ignorance of the final event adds much to the interest of the
+immediate record--the startling forecast of the EX-KAISER'S destiny,
+entered in the Diary under November '98; and the mention, long before
+the actual illness of KING EDWARD declared itself, of the growing
+belief in certain circles that his coronation would never take place.
+It is at once obvious that not even "TOBY'S" three previous volumes
+have by any means exhausted his fund of good stories, the scenes of
+which range from Westminster to Bouverie Street, and round half the
+stately (or, at least, interesting) homes of England. Of them all--not
+forgetting DISRAELI and the peacocks and a new W. S. GILBERT--my
+personal choice would be for the mystery of the Unknown Guest, who not
+only took a place, but was persuaded to speak, at a private dinner
+given by Sir JOHN HARE at the Garrick Club, without anyone ever
+knowing who he was or how he came there. A genial lucky-bag book,
+which (despite unusually full chapter headings) would be improved by
+an index to its many prizes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JAMES HILTON is very young and very clever. If, as he grows older,
+he learns to be clever about more interesting things he ought to write
+some very good novels. _Catherine Herself_ (UNWIN) has red hair, but
+then she has a rather more red-haired disposition than most red-haired
+heroines have to justify it, so this is not my real objection to
+the book. My quarrel is that, though I cannot call it an ugly story
+without giving a false impression, it is certainly a quite unbeautiful
+one, and at the end of its three hundred and more pages it has
+achieved nothing but a full-length portrait of an utterly selfish
+woman. Mr. HILTON has dissected her most brilliantly; but I don't
+think she is worth it. Catherines, whether they marry or are given in
+marriage, or do anything else, are really stationary; and, since the
+persons of a story, if it is to be worth telling, must move in some
+direction, Mr. HILTON will be well advised in future to choose a
+different type of heroine. I want to say too that I don't believe that
+it is either so easy or so profitable to become a well-known pianist
+"not in the front rank" as he seems to imagine it is. I wish I could
+think that no one else would believe him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Knight_ (_to his henchman_). "EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT,
+PERKINS? YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANYTHING? WHAT'S THAT?"
+
+_Henchman_. "IT'S THE PORTRAIT OF YOUR LADY, SIR, THAT YOU PROMISED TO
+TAKE INTO BATTLE WITH YOU, SIR."
+
+_Knight_. "DID I? WELL, I MUST E'EN KEEP MY WORD. FASTEN IT ON MY
+BACK. ONE NEVER KNOWS--IT MAY BE USEFUL IN CASE OF A REVERSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems rather a bright idea of C. NINA BOYLE to dedicate "to THEA
+and IRENE, whose lives have lain in sheltered ways," a seven-shilling
+shocker about ways that are anything but sheltered. Perhaps the
+sheltered in general, and Thea and Irene in particular, will take it
+from me that the villainies of _Out of the Frying Pan_ are much
+larger than life or, at any rate, much more concentrated, and that
+pseudo-orphans like _Maisie_ usually have a better chance of getting
+out of frying-pans into something cool than the author allows her
+heroine. I also submit that there was nothing in _Maisie's_ equipment
+to suggest that she would have been quite so slow in separating goats
+from sheep. But let me say that THEA and IRENE have had dedicated to
+them an exciting and amusing _fritto misto_ of crooks, demi-mondaines,
+blackmailers, gamblers, roues, murderers, receivers and decent
+congenital idiots of all sorts. The characterisation is adroitly done
+and the workmanship avoids that slovenliness which makes nineteen out
+of twenty books of this kind a weariness of spirit to the perceptive.
+I wonder if _Maisie_ with such a father and mother would have been
+such a darling. Perhaps Professor KARL PEARSON will explain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Hon. William Toppys_ (pronounced "Tops"), brother of _Lord
+Topsham_, left Devonshire and retired to an island in the Torres
+Straits. There he married a Melanesian woman and became the father of
+a frizzy-haired and coffee-coloured son. It is a little strange to
+me, who think of Mr. BENNET COPPLESTONE as Devonian to the tip of his
+pen-finger, that the _Hon. William_ is not rebuked for so shamelessly
+deserting his native county. Instead he is almost applauded for his
+wisdom, and this despite the fact that he quite spoilt the look of the
+family tree with his exotic graft. For in the course of time his
+son, insularly known as _Willatopy_, inherited the title and became
+twenty-eighth (no less) _Baron of Topsham_. Mr. COPPLESTONE does not
+realise the vast difference between light comedy and broad farce, but
+apart from this substantial reservation I can vouch that his yarn of
+_Madame Gilbert's Cannibal_ (MURRAY) is deftly spun. Should you decide
+to follow the famous _Madame Gilbert_ when she visits the island where
+the twenty-eighth baron lived you will witness a lively and unusual
+entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 355: "Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!" [double quote
+added]. Page 356: "_They_ always do that." [double quote inserted].
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 3, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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