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diff --git a/17654.txt b/17654.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2619a8c --- /dev/null +++ b/17654.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 15, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 15, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 31, 2006 [EBook #17654] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + +September 15th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Prohibition meetings in Scotland, says an official, have been attended +by fifty thousand people. We should not have thought there were so +many aliens in Scotland. + + * * * + +At an Oldbury wedding the other day a brick was thrown at the +bridegroom. There is no excuse for this sort of thing with confetti so +cheap. + + * * * + +One of the Pacific Islands, we read, is so small that the House of +Commons could not be planted on it. A great pity. + + * * * + +"Do hotel chefs use cookery-books?" asks a home journal. Our own +opinion is that quite a large proportion of them cook by ear. + + * * * + +Fourteen thousand artificial teeth recently stolen from premises in +East London have not been recovered. While not attempting to indicate +the guilty party, we cannot refrain from pointing out that several +Labour leaders have recently been showing a good many more teeth than +they were thought entitled to possess. + + * * * + +At the Trades Union Congress a protest was made against the +Unemployment Insurance Act. This must not be confused with the miners' +threat to strike. That is merely a method of ensuring unemployment. + + * * * + +The arrangement by which a hundred-and-fifty amateur brass bands are +to play at the Crystal Palace on September 25th looks like an attempt +to distract us from the miners' strike fixed for that day. + + * * * + +A Ramsgate man charged with shooting a cat denied that he fired at it. +The animal is said to have dashed at the bullet and impaled himself +upon it. + + * * * + +It has been agreed, says a news item, that milk shall be tenpence a +quart this winter. Not by us. + + * * * + +The War Office announces that Arabs in Southern Mesopotamia have +captured a British armoured train. It should be pointed out to these +Arab rebels that it is such behaviour as this that discourages the +tourist spirit. + + * * * + +Upon reading that another lady had failed in her attempt to swim the +Channel a Scotsman inquires whether the Cross-Channel steamer rates +have been increased, like everything else. + + * * * + +We are informed that at a football match recently played in the +Rhondda Valley the referee won. + + * * * + +General OBREGON, says an unofficial message, has been elected +President of Mexico. The startling report that he has decided to +reverse the safe policy of his predecessors and recognise the United +States requires corroboration. + + * * * + +Everybody should economise after a great war, says an American film +producer. We always do our best after every great war. + + * * * + +According to an official report only fifty policemen were bitten by +dogs in London last week. The falling off is said to be due to the +fact that it has been rather a good year for young and tender postmen. + + * * * + +Some highly-strung persons, says a medical writer, are even afraid of +inanimate objects. This accounts for many nervous people being afraid +of venturing too near a plumber. + + * * * + +"I only want the potatoes in the allotment and not the earth," said a +complainant at Deptford. It is evident that, if this man is a trade +unionist, he is a raw amateur. + + * * * + +Doctors at Vicenza have threatened to strike. This means that people +in that neighbourhood will have to die without medical assistance. + + * * * + +"Chief Hailstorm," of the Texas Rangers, has arrived in London. His +brother, Chief Rainstorm, has, of course, been with us most of the +summer. + + * * * + +Girls, declares a well-known City caterer, are acquiring bigger +appetites. We somehow suspected that the demand for a return of the +wasp waist had influential interests behind it. + + * * * + +The wife of a miner in Warwickshire has recently presented her husband +with three baby boys. We understand that Mr. SMILLIE is sorry to have +missed three extra strike-votes which he would have obtained had the +boys been born a little earlier. + + * * * + +An extraordinary story reaches us from North London. It appears that +during the building of a house a brick slipped unnoticed from a +hod and fell into its correct position, with the result that the +accountant employed by the bricklayers could not balance his books at +the end of the day. + + * * * + +"As science measures time," declares an eminent geologist, "the Garden +of Eden was a thing of yesterday." All we can say is, "Where was +Councillor CLARK yesterday?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Special Correspondent._ "WHEN THEY RELEASED ME THEY +SAID THAT IF I SHOWED MY FACE IN IRELAND AGAIN I SHOULD BE SHOT." + +_Editor._ "I'LL LET THESE SINN FEINERS SEE THAT I'M NOT TO BE +INTIMIDATED. YOU'LL GO BACK BY THE NEXT TRAIN."] + + * * * * * + + "POLES OVER THE LINE." + + _Evening Paper._ + +So _that_ accounts for the weather. + + * * * * * + + "Whatever other defects may be alleged against the scarlet + uniform, it certainly makes for two things--discipline and + smartness--and these two are very important factors in + discipline." + + _"Civil and Military Gazette," Lahore._ + +Especially the former. + + * * * * * + + "During the night, she [Mrs. Hamilton, the Channel swimmer] said, + 'I occasionally took hot drinks and ate cold roast chicken, the + small bones of which I kept chewing, as it seemed to assist + me....' + + A strict vegetarian, Mrs. Hamilton will sometimes swim five miles + before dinner, and skips for a few minutes every day." + + _Scotch Paper._ + +She should skip the chicken if she wants us to be excited about her +strict vegetarianism. + + * * * * * + + +DOGGEREL. + +TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S ST. BERNARD PUP. + + Ere your native country figured as the home of winter sport, + Paradise of spies and agents, and for kings a last resort; + Ere the hospitable chamois lent his haunts to Bolsh and Hun + Or the queue of rash toboggans took the curve of Cresta Run; + + Long before a locomotive climbed the Rigi, cog by cog, + Fame had mentioned your forefathers--such a noble breed of dog, + How they tracked the lonely traveller with their nimble, sleuthy snouts, + Till beneath a billowy snowdrift they remarked his whereabouts. + + How they dug him out of cold-store like a Canterbury sheep, + Took their tongues and kindly licked him where his nose + had gone to sleep, + Called attention to the cognac which they wore in little kegs + And remobilised the stagnant circulation in his legs. + + How they lifted up their voices, baying like an iron bell, + Till the monks of good St. Bernard heard the same and ran like hell-- + Ran and bore him to their hospice, where they put him into bed + And applied a holy posset stiff enough to wake the dead. + + Heir to this superb tradition, born to such a pride of race, + From the doggy _flair_ that tells you what a lineage you can trace + You will draw, I trust, a solace for the strange and alien scene + Where you undergo purgation in a stuffy quarantine. + + Further, if a homesick feeling sets you itching in the scalp + With a wave of poignant longing for the odour of an Alp, + Let this thought (a thing of splendour) help to keep your pecker up-- + You have had a high promotion; you are now a Premier's pup! + + You shall guard his sacred portals, you shall eat from off his plate, + Mix with private secretaries, move behind the veil of State, + And at Ministerial councils, as a special form of treat, + You shall sniff at WINSTON'S trousers, you shall fondle CURZON'S feet. + + You may even serve your master as an expert, one who knows + All the rules regarding salvage in the Great St. Bernard snows, + Do him good by utilising your hereditary gift + To retrieve his Coalition from a constant state of drift. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + +THE PRODIGIES. + +We--Great-aunts Emily and Louisa--had in our innocence been telling a +few old fairy stories at bedtime to those three precocities whom our +hosts call their children. + +We knew that they talked Latin and Greek in their sleep and were too +much for their parents in argument, but we thought that at least, at +the story hour---- + +We were stopped by Drusilla. "I don't think much of the moral of that +one," she remarked. "It would seem to illustrate the Evil Consequences +of Benevolence!" + +"But she came alive again," said Evadne, the youngest, in extenuation. + +"And the wolf was killed," we ventured in defence of our old story. + +"Still," persisted Drusilla, "you couldn't call it encouraging." + +"Then in the other case," went on Claude thoughtfully, "considering +that she had been left in sole charge of the house and had no business +to go out and leave it to the mercy of burglars, what moral are we to +draw from the fact that she married a Prince and lived happily ever +afterwards?" + +"Most of them have that sort of moral," said Drusilla. "And they +are every one of them devoid of humour, except of the most obvious +kind--no subtlety." + +"When _I_ was your age," said poor Louisa gently, "I used to laugh +very heartily over the adventures of _Tom Thumb_." + +Claude seemed touched. "There are some capital situations in certain +of them," he conceded, "which might be quite effectively treated." + +"How?" we asked weakly. + +It was Drusilla, the most alarming of the children, who finally +undertook to sketch us out an example. + +After a short meditation, "Something like this," she said. "The +situation, of course, you have met with before, but as remodelled you +might call it-- + + + THE TRIUMPH OF VIRTUE; + OR, + THE BAD FAIRY FOILED. + + + A certain King and Queen had one daughter, to whose christening + they invited a large company, forgetting as usual a particularly + important and bad-tempered Fairy, who signified her annoyance in + the usual manner. + + The attendants of the little Princess (having read their + story-books) were preparing dolefully enough to fall asleep for a + hundred years, when the Fairy, with a contemptuous sniff, remarked + that the spell would not take effect for some time yet. + + They breathed again and had almost forgotten the affair by the + time the Princess had grown up. But the Fairy had so arranged it + that the spell fell upon the Princess at the time when she was + engaged in making her choice of a husband from among the suitors + who had arrived at her father's Court. + + The Princess was now bewitched in this way--that good men appeared + bad, ugly men handsome, and _vice versa_. The Fairy had hoped that + she would thus make a mess of her matrimonial affairs and live + unhappily ever after. + + But she had reckoned without the disposition of the Princess, a + kind good girl with an overpowering sense of duty. When pressed + to choose, she replied firmly, "I will have no other than Prince + Felix." + + To her his ugliness seemed pathetic and his character evidently + needed reformation so urgently that she longed to be at the job. + No one wondered at her choice, for he was, of course, the most + handsome and excellent of men. + + Ultimately the Fairy broke her spell in a fit of exasperation, but + without any gratifying result. The Princess seemed happier than + ever and would sometimes say to a slightly puzzled friend:-- + + "Hasn't Felix improved _wonderfully_ since I married him?" + + * * * * * + + "From 1910 to 1916 he was Viceroy in India, governing the + Dependency through very critical years and enjoying general + esteem, as was made clear in 1912, when an attempt was made to + assassinate him at Delhi."--"_Daily Mail" on Lord Hardinge_. + +It sounds like a _succes d'estime_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PUBLIC BENEFACTOR. + +MR. SMILLIE. "I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF YOUR PAYING SO MUCH FOR YOUR COAL. +I MUST PUT THAT RIGHT; I MUST SEE THAT YOU DON'T GET ANY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tramp_. "IN THIS BIT O' NOOSPAPER IT SAYS: +'THE 'OLE CAUSE OF THE WORLD'S PRESENT DISORDER IS THE UNIVERSAL +SPIRIT OF UNREST. I WONDER IF THAT'S TRUE?" + +_Second Tramp_. "I AIN'T NOTICED IT."] + + * * * * * + + +THE COAL CUP. + +It seems to me that we all take a great deal of interest in the miners +when they strike, but not nearly enough when they hew. And yet +this business of hacking large lumps of fuel out of a hole, since +civilisation really depends on it, ought to be represented to us from +day to day as the beautiful and thrilling thing that it really is. Yet +if we put aside for a moment Mr. SMILLIE'S present demands, we find +the main topics of discussion in the daily Press as I write are +roughly these:-- + + (1) The prospects of League Football and the Cup Ties. + + (2) Ireland. + + (3) The prevalence of deafness amongst blue-eyed cats. + + (4) Mesopotamia. + + (5) The Fall of Man. + + (6) The sale of _The Daily Mail_, whose circulation during +the coming winter is for some reason or other supposed to be almost +as important to the children of England as their own. + +Of all these topics the first is, of course, by far the most +absorbing, and almost everyone has remarked how the love of sport, for +which Britons are famous, is growing more passionate than ever. It is +not only cricket and football, of course; only the other day there was +a shilling sweepstake on the St. Leger in our office and, from what +I hear of the form of Westmorland in the County Croquet Championship +during the past season--but I have no time to discuss these things +now. + +The point is that, whilst this excitement over games grows greater +and greater, the country is suffering, say the economists, from +under-production and the inflation of the wage-bill. This means that +everyone is trying to do less work and get more money for it, a very +natural ambition which nobody can blame the miners from sharing. I +suppose that if they all stopped mining and we had to depend for +warmth on wrapping ourselves up in moleskins, the molliers, or +whatever they are called, would strike for a two-shillings rise as +well. + +The worst of it is that under-production, say the economists again +(there is no keeping anything from these smart lads), sends prices up. +Obviously then there is only one thing to do: we must take advantage +of the prevailing passion and make mining (and other industries too +for that matter) a form of sport. The daily papers should find very +little difficulty in doing this. + + WHO HEWS HARDEST? + CLAIM BY A LANARKSHIRE COLLIER + +would do very well for the headings of a preliminary article; and +the claim of the Lanarkshire collier would, I am sure, be instantly +challenged. After a few letters we might have a suggestion, say from +Wales, that no team of eleven miners could hew so hard and so much +as a Welsh one. And from that it would be only a short step to the +formation of district league competitions and an international +championship. Or the old-time system under which cricketers were +matched for a stake by sporting patrons might be revived, and we +should have headlines in the evening Press after this fashion:-- + + HUGE HEWING CONTEST. + NOTTS FOREST v. NEWCASTLE UNITED. + TREMENDOUS WAGER BETWEEN + THE DUKES OF PORTLAND AND + NORTHUMBERLAND + +and all the glades of Sherwood and the banks where the wild Tyne flows +would be glad. + +It will be objected, of course, that the hewing of coal is not a +spectacular affair. You cannot pack sixty thousand spectators into a +mine to watch a hewing match, and even if you could the lighting is +bad; but that is just where the skill of the reporters would come in. +After all, we do not most of us see the races on which we bet, nor +the Golf Championship, nor even BECKETT and WELLS. But there would be +articles on the correct swing whilst hewing, and the proper stance, +and how far the toes should be turned in; the chances of every team +would be discussed; the current odds would be quoted, and, whoever +won, the consumer would score, whilst the strongest hewers would +become popular heroes and be photographed on the back-page standing +beside their hews. + +I admit that the South of England and London in particular would have +very little share in these competitions, and we should depend for +local interest mainly upon the promising young colts from the Kentish +nurseries. But we could find out from our dealers where our coals +came from and follow from afar the fortunes of our adopted teams; and +Cabinet Ministers, at any rate, could distribute their patronage and +their presence with tact over the various areas involved. + + MR. BALFOUR HEWS OFF AT + DURHAM + +is another headline which seems to suggest itself, and I should +strongly urge the PRIME MINISTER, who has returned, I hear, with a St. +Bernard from the Alps, to lose no time in selecting a more appropriate +playmate. + + PREMIER AT TONYPANDY. + MR. LLOYD GEORGE PATS PET + PIT-PONY + +is the kind of thing I mean, and very hard also to say six times +quickly without making a mistake. + +Obviously the result of all this would be that not only would the +miners be justified in asking for more money, but that the country +would be able to afford it; and similar competitive leagues, to +supersede trade unions, would soon be formed by other trades. One +seems to hear faintly the loud plaudits of the onlookers as two crack +teams of West-end road-menders step smartly into the arena.... + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +=Our Bolshevik Colonies.= + + "Married Shepherd, used hilly country and all farm and station + work, desires Situation; wife would cook one or two men." + +"_The Press," Christchurch, N.Z._ + + "Miss ----, a soubrette, whose songs lean towards the voluptuous, + sank 'Somebody's Baby.' Her encore number, 'You'd be Surprised,' + was even more so." + +"_The Dominion," Wellington, N.Z._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Woodland Sprite (from Stepney, to eminent botanist)._ +"PLEASE, MISTER, MAGGIE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU CHARGE FOR TAKING +TWINS?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE PASSING OF THE CRADLE. + + [According to a report which recently appeared in a daily paper, + cradles for infants are becoming a thing of the past.] + + Snug retreat for mother's treasure, + Shall I pine as I repeat + Rumour's strange report, which says you're + Virtually obsolete? + Shall these lips a doleful lyric + Proffer at your ghostly bier, + Or compose a panegyric + Moistened with a minstrel's tear? + + Me the theme leaves too unshaken, + Though "some" father more or less; + Better 'twere if undertaken + By my wife (a poetess); + And, if I be asked, Why vainly + Occupy, then, so much space? + My concern, I'll say, is mainly + With the woman in the case. + + For, when she and you shall sever + (Though 'tis early yet to crow), + Your departure may for ever + Lay her proudest triumph low; + Yes, while men (I'm much afraid) 'll + Round her fingers still be twirled, + If her hand can't rock a cradle + It may cease to boss the world. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "Irate Householders, why be swindled in a clumsy manner? Fetch + your second-hand clothing to me and be done in the most approved + style."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"MORE LITERARY HEREDITY. + + Fresh literary fame seems to be pending for the Maurice Hewlett + family circle. + + Mr. Robin Richards, the son-in-law of the famous novelist, is + about to appeal to fiction readers with his first novel."--_Daily + Paper_. + +No more of the old-fashioned DARWIN and GALTON nonsense about fathers +and children. + + * * * * * + + +SEVEN WHITEBAIT. + +Here and there in the drab routine of modern existence it is still +possible to catch an occasional glimpse of romance and courageous +living, and in the volume which lies before us as we write we are +given a generous measure of peril and adventure in faery seas forlorn. +_From Whitebait to Kipper: The Story of Seven Lives_, is the vivid +record of a family of herrings, set down (posthumously, it would seem) +with refreshing simplicity by Walter Herring, the youngest and perhaps +the most brilliant of the family. The story begins with the early +childhood of Walter, John, Isabel, Margaret, Rupert, Stephanie and +little Foch, the last of whom was so named because he was born on the +anniversary of the Armistice. (As a matter of fact they were all born +on the same day, but for some reason which is not explained only one +of them was called Foch.) + +You, reader, are one of those ignorant people who do so much discredit +to our Public Schools. You fondly think that the whitebait is a +special kind of fish, that there are father whitebaits and mother +whitebaits and baby whitebaits. You are wrong. There are only baby +whitebaits. At least there are baby herrings and baby pilchards, and +these are called whitebait because they are eaten by the mackerel and +because they look white when they are swimming upside down. + +Anyhow Walter and John and Isabel and Margaret and Rupert and +Stephanie and little Foch began life as whitebait. They used to charge +about the Cornish seas with whole platefuls of other whitebait, +millions of them, and wherever they went they were pursued by +thousands of mackerel, who wanted to eat them. One day John felt that +the moment was very near when he would be eaten by a mackerel, and he +was quite right. Isabel felt the same thing, but she was wrong. +She jumped out of the water and was eaten by a sea-gull. When the +fishermen saw Isabel leaping into the air they came out and caught +the mackerel in a net. They also caught Margaret with a lot of other +whitebait; and she was eaten by a barrister at "Claridge's." + +There were now four of the family who had not been eaten by anyone. It +is extraordinary when you come to think of it that any herring ever +contrives to reach maturity at all. What with the mackerel and the +seagulls and the barristers, everybody seems to be against it. +However, Walter, Rupert and Foch succeeded. Stephanie just missed. +Walter and Rupert and Foch had jolly soft roes, a fact which is +recorded in a cynical little poem by the precocious Foch, believed +to be the only literary work of a whitebait now extant. We have only +space here to quote the opening couplet:-- + + The herrings with the nice soft rows + Are gentlemen; the rest are does. + +The survivors of the family had now to choose a career. From the +beginning it seems to have been recognised that Stephanie at least +would have to be content with a humbler sphere than her more gifted +brothers. She had a hard roe and was rather looked down upon. But she +was an independent little thing and her pride revolted at a life of +subjection at home; so while still a girl she went off on her own and +got mixed up with some pilchards who were just being caught in a net. +Stephanie was caught too and became a sardine. She was carefully oiled +and put in a tin, and she was eaten at a picnic near Hampton Court. +But there is every reason to suppose that she was eaten happy, since +in those less exacting circles nobody seemed to mind about her hard +roe, which had been a perpetual bugbear to her in the herring world. + +Meanwhile the remaining three had decided on a career. They were +determined to be fresh herrings. This is of course the highest +ambition of all herrings, though sadly few succeed in attaining it. +One herring in his time plays many parts (SHAKESPEARE); he can seldom +say with confidence what exactly he will be to-morrow; but he can +be fairly certain that it won't be a fresh herring. Of our three +survivors Rupert alone was to win the coveted distinction. He grew +to be a fine boy and was eaten at Hammersmith, where his plump but +delicate roe gave the greatest satisfaction. It was not eaten in the +ordinary humdrum way, but was thickly spread on a piece of buttered +toast, generously peppered, and _devoured_. And when his "wish" was +placed on the kitchen-range, swelled rapidly and burst with a loud +report, his cup of happiness was full. + +Little Foch, alas, failed to fulfil his youthful promise and became a +common bloater. Worse than that, he was bloated too thoroughly and was +almost impossible to eat. Even his lovely roe, the pride of his heart, +became so salt that the Rector of Chitlings finally rejected it with +ignominy, though not before he had consumed so much of it that he had +to drink the whole of his sermon-water before he began to preach. + +But it was Walter, Walter the chronicler, Walter the clever, the +daring, the ambitious, leader in every escapade, adviser in every +difficulty, who was to suffer the crowning humiliation. Walter became +a kipper. If there is one thing that a herring cannot stand it is to +be separated from his roe. Walter's roe was ruthlessly torn from him +and served up separate on toast, with nothing to show that it was +the glorious roe of Walter. It was eaten at the Criterion by a +stockbroker, and it might have been anybody's roe. Meanwhile the +mutilated frame, the empty shell of Walter, was squashed flat in a +wooden box with a mass of others and sold at an auction by the pound. +It broke his heart. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + +LADY'S SLIPPER. + + Country gossips, nodding slow + When the fire is burning low, + Or chatting round about the well + On the green at Ashlins Dell, + With many a timid backward glance + And fingers crossed and eyes askance, + Still tell about the Midmas Day + When Marget Malherb went away. + + "After Midmas Day shall break, + Maidens, neither brew nor bake; + See your house be sanded clean; + Wear no stitch of fairy green; + Go barefoot; wear nor hose nor shoon + From rise of sun to rise of moon; + For the Good People watch and wait + Waiting early, watching late, + For foolish maids who treat with scorn + The mystic rites of Midmas Morn." + + Marget Malherb tossed her head, + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said-- + For she'd new slippers she would wear + To show her lad the pretty pair, + Soft green leather, buckled red-- + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said. + She drew them on and laughed in scorn, + And out she danced on Midmas Morn. + + Nevermore was Marget seen; + But when her lover sought the green + A Fairy Ring was all he found-- + A Fairy Ring on the weeping ground; + And by the hedge a flower grew, + Long and slender, filled with dew, + Green and pointed, ribboned red; + And still you'll find them as I've said. + And Marget comes, so gossips say, + To wear her shoes on Midmas Day. + + * * * * * + +=The Gladiatorial Spirit.= + + "Crossbie would have done better to have shot himself, but he gave + the ball to his partner."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "MILK PRICES UP. + HIGHER CHARGE TO MEET THE COST OF PETROL." + +_Daily Paper_. + +We always thought it was water that they used. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EVERYBODY COULD BE LIKE US" + +BY TAKING "_PLUMPO_" TABLETS. THE SECRET OF STRENGTH AND BEAUTY] + + * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD NEWS FOR WOMEN! + +"Every woman may be beautiful" + +Leonina Robinson + +CONSULTATIONS DAILY APPLY FOR MADAME R'S LATEST BOOK + +MADAME ROBINSON "HOW TO FASCINATE"] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DOCTORS DESPAIRED-- + +AMAZING STATEMENT BY WELL KNOWN LONDON MAN!!! + +Mr. SYD PORKER of 250A GLADSTONE TERRACE TOOTING WRITES + +"..._I AM TWICE THE MAN I WAS_." + +Mr. PORKER (TAKEN FROM LIFE) + +PARKES'S PURPLE PILLS.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: WHY MAKE A SIGHT OF YOURSELF? + +ONE BOTTLE OF "FRIZOLIN" FIXES THE HAIR LIKE GLUE] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DO YOU SUFFER FROM LACK OF BRAINS? + +IF SO--SEND P.O. FOR 2/6 TO + +PROF. X. BOX M. ROOM N. 21 SLOPER'S COURT PECKHAM + +_AND AWAIT RESULTS_. + +"ASTOUNDING!" (PRESS OPINION) + +PROF. X. THE MAN WHO HAS REVOLUTIONISED MEDICAL SCIENCE.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: CECILIA BLOBS ROBES] + + * * * + +THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF BEAUTY IN ART. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bored Spectator_. "'ERE, NOT SO MUCH OF THE +CA-CANNY."] + + * * * * * + + +A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS. + +It is without doubt the most expensive hotel on the front, and the +palatial dining-room in which we have just lunched is furnished and +decorated in that sumptuously luxurious style to which only wealth, +untrammelled by art, is able to attain. Personally I cannot afford to +take my meals at such places, and I know that the same holds good of +my fellow-guest, Charteris. Charteris was the best scholar of our +year at Oriel, and since his demobilisation he and his wife have been +living in two rooms, except during the periods when their son joins +them for his holidays from Winchester. But our host is still possessed +of an obstinate wealth which even the War has done little to diminish, +and, as he himself puts it, is really grateful to those of his old +friends who will help him in public to support the ignominy. + +At the moment, having finished lunch, we have betaken ourselves to +wicker-chairs in the porch, and Charteris and our host being deep in a +golf discussion I venture once more to turn a covert attention to the +exceedingly splendid couple who have just followed us out from the +dining-room. I noticed them first on my arrival, when they were just +getting out of their Rolls-Royce, and the admiration which I then +conceived for them was even further enhanced during lunch by a near +view of the lady's diamonds and of the Cinquevalli-like dexterity +shown by her husband in balancing a full load of peas on the concave +side of a fork. At present the man, somewhat flushed with champagne, +is smoking an enormous cigar with a red-and-gold band round it, while +the lady, her diamonds flashing in the sunshine, leans back in her +chair and regards with supercilious eyes the holiday crowds that +throng the pavement below. + +Following her glance my attention is suddenly arrested by the strange +behaviour of two passers-by, who have stopped in the middle of the +pavement and, after exchanging some excited comments, are staring +fixedly towards us. From their appearance they would seem to be a +typical husband and wife of the working-class on holiday, and it +occurs to me that, given the clothes and the diamonds, they might well +be occupying the wicker-chairs of the couple opposite. Evidently the +sight of somebody or something in the hotel porch has excited +them greatly, for they continue to stare up at us with a hostile +concentration that renders them quite unconscious of the frantic +efforts of the small child who accompanies them to tug them towards +the beach. After a moment they exchange a few more quick words, and +the man leaves his companion and makes his way towards us. Ascending +the hotel steps with an air of great determination he comes to a halt +before the couple opposite. + +"'Ere, I've bin lookin' for you," he begins accusingly. + +The Rolls-Royce owner takes the cigar from his mouth and gazes in +astonishment at the accusing apparition before him. + +"A hour ago," pursues the newcomer relentlessly, "you was driving +along the front here in the whackin' great car. It ain't no good +denyin' it, 'cos I took the number." + +"What d'ye mean--denying it?" exclaims Rolls-Royce. "Who's denying +anythink?" + +"It ain't no good tryin' to deny it," retorts the other. "An' it ain't +no good denyin' wot you did neether, 'cos I've got my missus 'ere to +prove it." + +"What I did?" echoes the astonished man. "What did I do?" + +"Ran over my child's b'loon," states the accuser, fixing him with a +pitiless eye. For the moment the object of this serious charge is too +taken aback to be capable of speech. + +"'Ran over my child's b'loon,'" repeats the other inexorably. +"Leastways your chauffer did. An' when we 'ollered out to yer to stop +you just rushed on like a runaway railway-train." + +Rolls-Royce, conscious of the curious gaze of the entire company, +pulls himself together and regards his accuser unfavourably. + +"First I've 'eard of it," he growls. "Where was the balloon anyway? In +the road, I s'pose?" + +"Yes, it _was_ in the road," retorts the other defiantly, "where +it's got every right to be. Road's there for the convenience of +b'loon-fliers just as much as for motor-cars. More." + +"Look 'ere, that's enough of it," says the car-owner harshly. "If +the balloon got run over it's yer own fault for letting it go in the +road." + +"That's a nice way to talk," suddenly comes in shrill tones from the +woman below, who has edged her way to the foot of the steps. "We don't +go buyin' balloons for you to run over in yer cars. We're respectable +people, we are, an' we work for our livin'." + +"Drivin' about in a car like an express train, runnin' over other +people's b'loons," corroborates her husband bitterly. "Wot country +d'yer think yer in? Prussia?" + +By this time a small crowd has gathered on the pavement and is gazing +up at the protagonists with ghoulish interest. The lady in the +diamonds, a prey to mingled indignation and alarm, has leant towards +her spouse and is whispering to him urgently, but he shakes her off +with an impatient movement. + +"Not on yer life," he snaps. "They won't get a cent out o' me." + +"Ho, won't we!" exclaims his accuser hotly. "We'll soon see about +that. We're English people, we are--we don't allow people to go about +destroyin' our b'loons." + +"No wonder they're so rich," cries the woman at the bottom of +the steps in satirical tones. "That's the way to get rich, that +is--destroyin' other people's prop'ty an' then refusin' to pay for it. +Anybody could get rich that way." + +Reflections on the feasibility of this novel financial scheme are cut +short by the appearance at the top of the steps of the hotel porter, +who touches the originator of the disturbance on the shoulder. + +"Come on, you're not allowed up 'ere, you know," he observes. + +"Ho, ain't I?" retorts the man defiantly. "Is this Buckingham Pallis?" + +"You can't come up 'ere unless you've got business in the 'otel," +states the porter unmoved. + +"So I 'ave got bisness 'ere," declares the other. "Bisness c'nected +with my son's b'loon." + +"An' we don't leave 'ere till it's settled, neither," cries the lady +on the pavement. "'Alf-a-crown that balloon cost, an' we don't budge +from 'ere till we get it." + +This is altogether too much for the owner of the Rolls-Royce. + +"'Alf-a-crown?" he explodes and turns indignantly to the company. +"'Alf-a-crown for a child's balloon, and _then_ they go on strike." + +Derisive cheers and counter-cheers go up from the crowd below as the +incensed balloon-owner bursts forth into an impassioned defence of his +inalienable right as a free-born Briton to strike or to buy half-crown +balloons as the spirit moves him. Simultaneously the lady in the +diamonds rises and, producing a coin from her gold bag, holds it with +a superb gesture at arm's length beneath his nose. For a moment or two +he pays no attention to her, then takes the coin impatiently with the +air of one brushing aside an irritating interruption and continues his +harangue. + +"Come on," puts in the porter; "you've got yer 'alf-crown. S'pose you +move on." + +"Got me 'alf-crown, 'ave I'?" he retorts. "Wot about my rights as a +man? Does 'alf-a-crown buy them?" + +No one venturing to solve this social problem he turns slowly and, +glaring over his shoulder at Rolls-Royce, descends the steps. + +"I'm an Englishman, I am," he concludes from the pavement. "No one +can't close my mouth with 'alf-crowns." + +For a brief space he stands scowling up at the porch as though +challenging all and sundry to perform this feat, then, taking his wife +by the arm, moves off with her and the still insistent child towards +the beach. The crowd on the pavement, regretfully convinced that the +entertainment is at an end, disperses slowly. Rolls-Royce, seemingly +unconscious of the interest of Charteris and our host, who are looking +at him covertly as at some zoological specimen, relights his cigar and +sits glowering across the road, and silence falls upon the scene--a +silence broken at last by the lady in the diamonds, who has resumed +her languid pose in the wicker-chair. + +"'Orrible people!" she observes, addressing the occupants of the porch +generally. "Nice state o' things when you can't even be safe from 'em +in yer own 'otel. You don't seem to be able to get away from these +low-class people hanywhere--you don't reely!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Energetic Motor-Cyclist._ "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU SIT +STILL? YOU'LL HAVE US OVER IN A MINUTE."] + + * * * * * + +40-1920 A.D. + + CALIGULA the man (quite mad, of course) + Conferred the consulship upon his horse. + + Caligula the colt (a trifle saner) + Makes kings of jockey, purchaser and trainer. + + Sanity counts; I raise my cup of massic + Not to the earlier but the later "classic." + + * * * * * + +=Journalistic Modesty.= + + "I was his [Irving's] guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for + a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of + third-rate people." + +_C.K.S. in "The Sphere."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Master._ "TCHA! THIS BACON TASTES SIMPLY BEASTLY." + +_The Mistress._ "GLADYS, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BACON WE SET ASIDE +FOR POISONING THE RATS?"] + + * * * * * + + +FASHION AND PHYSIQUE. + +The heightened stature of women was a favourite topic in +anthropometric circles long before the War. It seems, however, that +they are not going to rest content with their present standard of +altitude, but are invoking the resources of Art to render it even more +conspicuous. We do not speak rashly or without book. _The Evening +News_ announced on September 8th that "Women are to be taller this +autumn." Nature may be in the Fall, but women are on the rise. The +mode by which this effect of elongation--so dear to Art--is to be +attained is described in detail by the Paris correspondent of our +contemporary as follows:-- + +"A fluffy and very high head-dress will be worn this autumn. The +effect is obtained by the aid of pads, and adds some inches to a +woman's stature.... Another type of coiffure is being adopted by some +hairdressers, who leave the hair flat and smooth round the face, and +only make a sort of bird's-nest of the ends, which stand well up so as +to lengthen the profile in an upward direction." + +Nothing, however, is said about the relation of fashion to the +physique of the sterner sex. To correct this omission Mr. Punch +has interviewed a number of West-End tailors, hatters, hosiers and +bootmakers. The results of this inquiry may be briefly summarised. + +Heads are to be larger this autumn, and to keep pace with the +extraordinary development of brain amongst our insurgent youth, as +evidenced by the correspondence in _The Morning Post_, it has been +found necessary to make a radical change in the stock sizes of hats. +But, where there has been no cranial distension, provision will be +made to remedy the defect by the insertion of a cork sheath, by the +aid of which a head of undersized circumference will be able to wear +a No. 8 hat. Again, to meet the needs of customers in whom the +temperature of the cranial region is habitually high, a hat has been +devised with a vacuum lining for the insertion of cold water. The +"Beverley" nickel-plated refrigerating helmet, as it is called, has +already found a large sale amongst Balliol undergraduates. + +As a result of the revival of the "Apes _v._ Angels" controversy, in +which Canon BARNES has taken so prominent a part, and Mr. BOTTOMLEY +has declared himself as a whole-hearted supporter of DARWIN (_vide_ +his article in _The Sunday Pictorial_), hands will be supple and +boneless this autumn, as in fashionable portraits. This reversion to +the prehensile type of hand, so noticeable in the chimpanzee, has its +drawbacks, and the rigidity necessary for certain manual functions, +such as winding up a motor or opening a champagne bottle, will be +furnished by gloves of a stiffer and stronger fabric, ranging from +simulation leatherette to chain-mail. + +Owing to the continued over-crowding of trains, tubes and motor-buses, +elbows will be more prominent and aggressive than ever, and tailors +are building a type of coat calculated to relieve the strain on this +useful joint by a system of progressive padding, soft inside but +resembling a nutmeg-grater at the point of contact with the enemy. + +It only remains to be added that in consequence of the publication of +the Jewish Protocol and other documents pointing to revolutionary and +anarchical Semitic activities, noses will be worn straighter and _a la +Grecque_, and for similar reasons feet will be shorter and with more +uplift in the instep. + + * * * * * + +=A Hot Spell.= + +From a story for boys:-- + +"The heat was so intense that we were perspiring from every paw." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SNOWED UNDER. + +THE ST. BERNARD PUP (_to his Master_). "THIS SITUATION APPEALS TO MY +HEREDITARY INSTINCTS. SHALL I COME TO THE RESCUE?" + +[Before leaving Switzerland Mr. LLOYD GEORGE purchased a St. Bernard +pup.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Futurist to Brother Brush (after along country walk in +search of a subject)._ "THIS IS RATHER JOLLY. WHAT A RELIEF IT IS TO +GET AMONGST THE REAL JAGGED STUFF."] + + * * * * * + + +THE OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE ROCK, SCILLY. + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "'Tis a mighty queer place to be building a home + In the teeth of the gales and the wash of the foam, + With nothing in view but the sea and the sky; + It cannot be cheerful or healthy or dry. + Why don't you go inland and rent a snug house, + With fowls in the garden and blossoming boughs, + Old woman, old woman, old woman?" said I. + + "A garden have I at my hand + Beneath the green swell, + With pathways of glimmering sand + And borders of shell. + There twinkle the star-fish and there + Red jellies unfold; + The weed-banners ripple and flare + All purple and gold. + And have I no poultry? Oh, come + When the Equinox lulls; + The air is a-flash and a-hum + With the tumult of gulls; + They whirl in a shimmering cloud + Sun-bright on the breeze; + They perch on my chimneys and crowd + To nest at my knees, + And set their dun chickens to rock on the motherly + Lap of the seas." + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "It sounds very well, but it cannot be right; + This must be a desolate spot of a night, + With nothing to hear but the guillemot's cry, + The sob of the surf and the wind soughing by. + Go inland and get you a cat for your knee + And gather your gossips for scandal and tea, + Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I. + + "No amber-eyed tabby may laze + And purr at my feet, + But here in the blue summer days + The seal-people meet. + They bask on my ledges and romp + In the swirl of the tides, + Old bulls in their whiskers and pomp + And sleek little brides. + Yet others come visiting me + Than grey seal or bird; + Men come in the night from the sea + And utter no word. + Wet weed clings to bosom and hair; + Their faces are drawn; + They crouch by the embers and stare + And go with the dawn + To sleep in my garden, the swell flowing over them + Like a green lawn." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +=Labour Leaders on the Links.= + +Under a photograph in a London evening paper runs the following +legend:-- + + "Mr. John Hodge and another official of the Iron and Steel + Founders Union enjoy a game of golf after the Trade Union Congress + at Portsmouth adjourns for the day. Our picture shows Mr. John + Hodge Putting." + +Some idea of the forceful and unconventional methods of our Labour +leaders may be gathered from the attitude of Mr. JOHN HODGE, whose +club is raised well over his shoulder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner._ "SORR, I OBJECT TO MR. CLANCY SERVIN' ON +THE JURY." + +_Mr. Clancy._ "BEDAD, AN' FOR WHY, MICHAEL? I'M _FOR_ YEZ!"] + + * * * * * + + +THE TAXATION OF VIRTUE. + +"I shall wait," said Peter, "till they send me the final notice." + +"Being his wife," said Hilda to me, "I am in a position to know that +he will not. In another week he will pay, saying that the thought of +income-tax has affected his nerves and that he can bear it no longer. +He wobbles like this for six weeks twice a year, and meanwhile his +family starves." + +"Under our system of taxation," Peter retorted, "the innocent must +suffer." + +"It falls alike on the just and the unjust," I interposed. "How else +would you have it?" + +"Naturally I would have it fall on the unjust alone," he replied. + +"Why not on the just alone?" I asked, suddenly aware of the birth of +an idea. + +"Of course you want exemption." + +"You miss my point. You grant that taxation is necessary?" + +"For the sake of argument," said Peter, "I grant that, with +reservations." + +"Since then there must be taxes, why not have taxes that it would be a +pleasure to pay? The current taxes are not a pleasure to pay." + +"I grant that," said Peter, "without reservations." + +"Now there is only one sort of tax that I can imagine anybody paying +gladly, and that would be a tax on his virtues." + +"Still hankering after your own exemption," growled Peter. + +"Leave me out of account. Take, by preference, yourself. You have +virtues and are proud of them." + +Hilda intervened, as I had anticipated. "The pride is admitted," said +she, "but as for the assessment value of the virtues----" + +"Never mind that. You are proud of your virtues"--I turned to Peter +again--"yet you are sometimes troubled, like the rest of us, by a fear +that you may not really possess them after all. But the assessment +of your virtues by the Board of Inland Revenue would prove their +existence to yourself and to all the world." + +"Except his wife," said Hilda. + +"Her evidence would not be accepted. If you had paid taxation for the +possession of a virtue, the receipt would be a guarantee that you did +possess that particular virtue, and it would consequently be a source +of profound moral satisfaction to you. You would pay with pleasure. +Besides, it is a poor kind of virtue that will not abide a test. The +tax would be a test. Suppose that five pounds was levied upon you for +honesty. If you refused to pay how could you ever again claim to +be honest? You would be marked as not valuing your honesty at five +pounds. No, you would pay and pay readily." + +My words were addressed to Peter, but Hilda seemed the more +interested. "It sounds well, but how would you raise the money?" she +asked. + +"That would depend on the virtue," I replied. "The sobriety tax, for +example, would be levied on anyone who had not for some years been +convicted of drunkenness." + +"But how about the virtues that you don't get fined for not +having--truthfulness, unselfishness, kindheartedness and all those?" + +"I admit that would be difficult. Can you suggest anything?" I asked +Peter. + +"No," he answered. "I'm not encouraging your rotten idea anyhow." + +"Could the revenue officials feel people's bumps?" inquired Hilda +reflectively. + +"I'm afraid," I said, "people wouldn't stand it. Fancy Peter----" + +"I've got it," said Hilda. "The revenue officials would attribute a +virtue to the taxpayer, and if he wanted to escape taxation they would +require him to prove to them that he lacked the virtue in question." + +"They would like doing that," muttered Peter. + +"You have found the solution," I said to Hilda. "If you impute to a +person a virtue he does not possess he probably denies that he has it, +but he is really flattered and his denial is not sincere. He would be +willing to pay on it; he would rather pay than not." + +At this point Peter grew tired of refraining from comment. "I don't +want you to suppose," he said, "that I am taking any interest in your +fatuous scheme, but doesn't it occur to you that under your system it +would be simply ruinous to have any virtues at all, and that the only +people who would flourish would be those who had no virtues and were +not ashamed of it?" + +"For one thing," I replied confidently, "the taxes would be graduated +in the ordinary way in accordance with means. The slightest flicker of +a conscience in Park Lane would be more heavily mulcted than the most +blameless life in Bermondsey. But the main point is that under my +system taxation would become the measure of a man's moral worth, and +people who did not pay taxes would be simply out of it. All the +plums would go the highly-taxed men. Their tax receipts would be +certificates of character, and the more they earned the more the +Treasury would be able to get out of them. So far from dodging +taxation, people would scramble to pay it." + +"But how," asked Hilda, "would you make the tax receipt a trustworthy +testimonial? Your rich man with one virtue would have a better receipt +than your poor one with ten." + +"The virtues taxed would be shown on the receipt," I replied. +"Besides, poor and virtuous men would, as I have suggested, get an +abatement on their virtue taxes, and the amount of the abatement would +be shown on the receipt. So it could easily be seen what proportion a +man was paying on his wealth and what on his virtues." + +"Look here," said Peter, aroused at last, "do you convey that the +tobacco duty would be paid by people who didn't smoke?" + +"It would amount to that," I answered, "assuming that abstention from +tobacco were counted a virtue." + +"There may be something in it after all," said Peter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fisherman._ "THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH, BUT YOU'VE GOT +TO FISH DRY TO CATCH THEM." + +_American Friend._ "SAY, YOU MAKE ME REAL HOMESICK."] + + * * * * * + + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE CHAMELEON. + + The chameleon changes his colour; + He can look like a tree or a wall; + He is timid and shy and he hates to be seen, + So he simply sits down in the grass and goes green, + And pretends he is nothing at all. + + I wish I could change my complexion + To purple or orange or red; + I wish I could look like the arm of a chair + So nobody ever would know I was there + When they wanted to put me to bed. + + I wish I could be a chameleon + And look like a lily or rose; + I'd lie on the apples and peaches and pears, + But not on Aunt Margaret's yellowy chairs-- + I should have to be careful of those. + + The chameleon's life is confusing; + He is used to adventure and pain; + But if ever he sat on Aunt Maggie's cretonne + And found what a curious colour he'd gone, + I don't think he'd do it again. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +THAT TEA INTERVAL. + +Before the last ball of 1920 is bowled and the last wicket in a +first-class match falls (as will most probably happen at the Oval this +very afternoon, September 15th), I should like to let the Gods of +the Game know how I propose to spend the following winter in their +interests, so that when the season of 1921 is with us the happiness of +the cricket spectator may be even greater than it has been in the one +now expiring. + +I am going to devote the time to invention. With every grain of +intellect and ingenuity that I can scrape together I am going to +devise a means of humanising the tea interval. + +Once upon a time I was so rash as to ridicule this interruption. I +drew attention to the fact that the ancient heroes of the game had +been able to dispense with it. ALFRED MYNN needed no Asiatic stimulant +between lunch and the close of play. Even such whole-hearted moderns as +HORNBY and SHREWSBURY and GRACE managed to do well without the support +of Hyson or Bohea. For more than a century cricket and tea were +strangers and cricket did not suffer. And so on. But the attacks were +futile: the tea interval became an institution; and nothing now, one +realises, can ever occur to separate the gallant fellows from their +cups and saucers. + +That being accepted, the problem is how to make the interval at once +less harmful to the match and more tolerable to the lover of cricket; +and it is on this problem that I have been working and intend to work +through the arid football months. What has to be done is (_a_) to get +the interval abbreviated; and (_b_) to keep the players on the field. +It is the length of it and the empty pitch that are so depressing +to the spectator, and it is the return to the pavilion that is so +detrimental to the rhythm of the game. Neither of the batsmen ever +wants the interruption, and I have often noticed a reluctance in +certain members of the fielding side. As for the watchers, they never +fail to groan. + +Still, as I have said, it is now recognised that the craving for tea +is as much a part of the present-day game as the six-ball over, and +the time has passed for censuring it. But something can be done to +regulate it; and I have based my efforts towards a solution on the +argument that, if a cricketer is not called in from the game to read +his telegram, but (as we have all seen so often) the telegram is +taken out to him, surely the precious fluid that he so passionately +desiderates can be taken out to him too. At present, therefore, all +my thoughts are turned upon the construction of some kind of wheeled +waggon, such as is in use at a well-known restaurant in the Strand, on +which fifteen cups (two for the umpires) and an urn and sugar and milk +can be conveyed, with the concomitant bread-and-butter, or shrimps or +meringues, or whatever is eaten with the tea, on a lower shelf. This +could be pushed on to the ground at 4.15 and pushed back again at +4.20 without any serious injury to the match. That is my idea at the +moment; but I am a poor mechanic and should be glad if some properly +qualified person--someone with a HEATH ROBINSON mind--would take the +work over. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + +IN THE MOVEMENT. + +How I came to be able to understand the language of trees is a secret. +But I do understand it. It is my peculiar privilege to overhear all +kinds of whispered conversation--green speech in green shades--as I +take my rest underneath the boughs on a country walk. Some day I shall +set down fully the result of these leaves-droppings, but at the moment +I want to tell only of what I heard some blackberry bushes saying last +week. + +"From what I hear," said the first bush, "the cost of everything's +going up by leaps and bounds." + +"How is that?" asked one of its neighbours. + +"It's due, I understand," the first bush replied, "partly to scarcity +of labour and partly to profiteering." + +"I don't see why we shouldn't participate," said another bush. "Here +we are, covered with fruit, and it's all just as free as ever it was. +That's absurd, after a big war. The duty of a war is to make things +dearer and remove freedom." + +"Of course," said the others. + +"'Your blackberries will cost you more'--that should be our motto," +said the first bush. "We must be up to date." + + * * * * * + +A few days later, after one of our infrequent post-bellum gleams of +sunshine, I met the Lady of the White House and all her nice children +returning from a day's blackberrying. They showed me their +baskets with a proper pride, and I was suitably enthusiastic and +complimentary. + +"But do look at our poor hands and arms and our torn frocks!" said the +lady. "We've picked blackberries here year after year, but we've never +been so badly scratched before. It's extraordinary. I can't account +for it." + +I could, though. + + * * * * * + + +THE MOON-SELLER. + + A man came by at night with moons to sell; + "Moons old and new," he cried; + I hurried when I heard him call for me; + He set his basket on the wall for me + That I might see inside + And watch the little moons curl up and hide. + + Each one he touched rang softly like a bell; + He pointed out to me + Great harvest moons with russet light in them, + Pale moons to gleam where snows grow white in them, + Red moons for victory, + And steadfast moons for men in ships at sea. + + The man who came with many moons to sell + Opened his basket wide; + Showed me the filmy crescent moons in it, + And the piled discs (like silver spoons) in it + That push and pull the tide, + And small sweet honey-moons to give a bride. + + "This moon," he said, "you will remember well; + Its price is wealth untold;" + Took a camp-moon he vowed he stole for me + And softly wrapped to keep it whole for me. + I heaped his feet with gold; + He changed, and said the moon might not be sold. + + Then I was angry that with moons to sell + He thought he had the right + To keep that one. Those who were lent to us + Had written the brief notes they sent to us + When it shone out at night. + I caught it to my heart and held it tight. + + * * * * * + + "Twenty Students Require clean, respectable Board-Residence; would + not object to Share Bed."--_Provincial Paper._ + +They should have lived in the days of Og, the King of Basan; his +bedstead _was_ a bedstead. + + * * * * * + + "Calcutta. + + During the past few weeks several parties of Afghan merchants and + traders have settled up their affairs and come into India. In + order to avoid being questioned by British poets in the + Khyber, they have entered this country by way of the Sissobi + pass."--_Indian Paper._ + +Some of our poets are notoriously curious, and we are hardly surprised +to learn that the Afghans could not "abide their question." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COCK-AND-BULL STORY.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LANGUAGE DIFFICULTY. + +"The jolly part about an island where there are no towns and no +railways," said Willoughby, "is that you have thrills of excitement as +to where you will sleep next night or eat your next meal. Now when we +land at Lochrie Bay to-morrow it will be nearly lunch-time; but shall +we get lunch?" + +"I can answer that," replied MacFadden, whose grandfather was a +Scotsman, and who was once in Edinburgh for a week; "the map shows +it is only five miles to Waterfoot, and there's sure to be an hotel +there. Those little Scots inns are all right." + +"Yes," chimed in Sylvia, "and very likely there'll be nothing to eat +when we get there. I am thinking of you three men, of course," she +added hastily; "we girls don't want much." + +"As for me," said Willoughby, looking at Sylvia, whom he has adored +dumbly for years, "very little satisfies me. I'm like the fellow who +said, 'a crust of bread, a bottle of wine and you.' You know the chap, +MacFadden." + +"Isn't it wonderful how he remembers his OMAR?" remarked Mac +enthusiastically. + +"I don't know much poetry," said Willoughby, whose tastes are sporting +rather than literary, "but I always liked that bit." + +"But lunch," I interposed, "is the pressing question. There's sure to +be an hotel at Waterfoot, as you say. Send a telegram there, asking +for lunch for six. If there's no hotel, no reply and no lunch. If +there is we get our reply and our lunch. Willoughby can wire, because +he learned all about telegraphs in the army." + +Within two hours came the reply. I opened it. + +"Will supply luncheon for six, 1.15 to-day." + +"Can you remember what your wire said, Willoughby?" I asked mildly. + +"Rather. 'Can you provide luncheon for six at 1.15.--Willoughby.'" + +"Exactly. Can't you see, you silly ass, how you've muffed it? Read +this." Willoughby read, while Sylvia and Molly looked over and +giggled. + +"Hang it all! I suppose I ought to have said to-morrow," he sighed. +"Here, Thompson, you and Hilda, as the married couple of the party, +ought to deal with these beastly emergencies." + +"Not I," I replied. "You've got us in the muddle, now get us out. Wire +and say it's for to-morrow." + +"And then," said my practical wife, "we shall get to-day's hot lunch +cold to-morrow, and a rapacious Scotch-woman will charge us for it +twice over." + +"I wish you would say 'Scots,' not 'Scotch,'" complained MacFadden. + +"Sorry, Kiltie," rejoined Hilda; "and perhaps one of you two will deal +with the Scots woman." + +"Leave her to me and none of you interfere," answered MacFadden. +"Willoughby is no good at a job that needs tact. He's not half as +lovable as I am either. Is he, Molly? We'll send the wire at once. +Come on." + +Next day the steamer dropped us into the ferry-boat off Lochrie Bay, +and our bicycles, more frightened than hurt, but much shaken, were +hurled in after us. After five miles on a primitive road we arrived at +the hotel very late. + +MacFadden, assuring us that if we only kept quiet he would see us +through in spite of any Scots innkeeper, led the way. + +The landlady, a dour woman, appeared. + +"Good morning, Madam," began Mac politely. + +"Will you be Mr. Willoughby?" she replied. + +"No," said Mac truthfully, assuming a puzzled expression. + +"Weel, then," resumed the lady, addressing Sylvia, who happened to be +close behind, "will you be Mrs. Willoughby?" + +Molly sniggered; Sylvia reddened and answered hastily, "No, I won't!" +at which Willoughby sighed audibly. + +"What I wanted to ask you was whether perhaps you could be so kind +as to give us a bit of bread and cheese or something," said Mac +ingratiatingly. "Of course one doesn't expect a proper lunch in these +places without ordering it beforehand." + +"And those that order beforehand dinna come," she replied with some +asperity. "A pairty of six ordered for yesterday then they telegraphs +to say they mean to-day, and now they're no here and the time lang +gone by. I thocht ye were the pairty at first." + +"What a shame!" murmured MacFadden sympathetically. + +"Ay, if they had turned up they should hae had their lunch, and paid +for it too," said the good lady grimly. "Twa days they should hae paid +for. But if ye like ye can eat their lunch for them; it's cauld but +guid." + +So we ate heartily, paid reasonably and went away on good terms with +ourselves and the lady. + +Walking up the steep hill from the hotel I was just behind Willoughby +and Sylvia. He was pushing the two bicycles and explaining something +elaborately. + +"Awfully sorry about that silly woman, Sylvia," he said, "but it's +only their rotten way of talking English. You see, when she says, +'_Will_ you be Mrs. Willoughby?' she really means, '_Are_ you?' It's +not the same as when an Englishman says it. If I said, 'Will you be +Mrs. Willoughby?' that would be different; it would mean--" + +"Yes," interrupted Sylvia rather breathlessly, "that, Tommy dear, +would be plain English, to which I could give a plain answer. I should +say--" + +We had reached the brow of the hill. I mounted my bicycle and hurried +on. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN IN A GOOD MANY +SITUATIONS. HOW MANY MISTRESSES HAVE YOU HAD, ALL TOLD?" + +_Maid._ "FIFTEEN, ALL TOLD--AND ALL TOLD WHAT I THOUGHT OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + + "1,000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER." + + _Daily Paper._ + +A much worse case than that of LEAR'S old man with a beard, who said +it was just as he feared. + + * * * * * + + "For all we know, Helen of Troy's best friends might have said, + 'Helen has style and knows how to make the most of her good + points; but, honest, now, do you think she should have got the + apple?'" + + _Evening Paper._ + +Certainly not. That's why Paris gave it to Aphrodite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, +breaking long silence)._ "THERE--IT'S COME AT LAST! YOU'VE BEEN +TALKING ALL THIS TIME AND I AIN'T HEARD A SINGLE WORD." + +_Second Ancient._ "BAIN'T BIN TALKIN'--BIN CHEWIN'."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Really I think that _Rhoda Drake_ (MURRAY) must be the most +preposterously startling story that I have read for this age. It makes +you feel as if you had had a squib exploded under your chair at a +temperance meeting. After beginning placidly about persons who live in +South Kensington (and are so dull that the author has to fill up +with minute descriptions of their drawing-rooms), somewhere towards +three-quarters through its decorous course it plunges you head over +ears into such tearing melodrama as is comparable only to Episode 42 +of "The Adventures of the Blinking Eye" at a provincial cinema. I +am left asking myself in bewilderment whether Mr. C.H. DUDLEY +WARD, D.S.O., M.C., can have been serious in the affair. As I say, +practically all the early characters are of little or no account, +including _Rhoda_ herself. Indeed, nobody looks like mattering at all, +and the whole tale has, to be frank, taken on a somewhat soporific +aspect, when lo! there enters a lady with a Russian name, no back to +her gown and green face-powder. If I said of this paragon that she +made the story bounce I should still do less than justice to her +amazing personality. Really, she was a herald of revolution, whose +remarkable method was to invite anyone important and obstructive to +her house and make them discontented. It was the work of half-an-hour. +Whether the process was hypnotic, or whether she actually put pepper +in the ice-pudding, I could not clearly make out. But the dreadful +fact remained that, let your patriotism be ever so firm, you had but +to accept one of green-powder's little dinners and next morning you +were as like as not to hurl a stone into 10, Downing Street. As for +the end--! But no, I will stop short of it. + + * * * * * + +Frankly, what pleased me most about _Affinities_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) was its attractive get-up; pleasant, cherry-pie-coloured +boards, swathed in a very daintily-drawn pictorial wrapper, the whole, +as cataloguers say, forming an ideal birthday present for a young +lady, especially one at all apt to discover, however harmlessly, the +affinities that give these five tales their title. As for the stories +themselves, really all that need be said is to congratulate Mrs. MARY +ROBERTS RINEHART on the ingenuity with which she can tell what seems +an obvious intrigue yet keep a surprise in reserve. I suppose it is +because they come to us from America that certain of the episodes turn +upon incidents in the Suffrage struggle, tale-fodder that our own +militant novelists have long happily discarded. Of the others I think +I myself would award the palm to one called "The Family Friend," a +genially cynical little comedy of encouraged courtship, of which the +end seems to be visible from the beginning, but isn't. Altogether, +what I might call a Canute; in other words a book for the deck-chair, +not too absorbing to endanger your shoes, however close you read it to +the advancing wave. + + * * * * * + +I think I should best describe the characteristic quality of +_Four Blind Mice_ (LANE) as geniality. The scene of it is +Burmah--astonishing, when you consider the host of novels about the +rest of India, that so few should employ this equally picturesque +setting--and it is quickly apparent that what Mr. C.C. LOWIS doesn't +know at first hand about Rangoon is not likely to be missed. The +tale itself is a good-humoured little comedy of European and native +intrigue, showing how one section of the populace strove as usual to +ease the white man's burden by flirtation and gossip, and the other +to get the best for themselves by unlimited roguery and chicane. The +whole thing culminates in a trial scene which is at once a delightful +entertainment and (I should suppose) a shrewdly observed study of the +course of Anglo-Burmese justice. I think I would have chosen that Mr. +LOWIS should base his fun on something a little less grim than the +murder and mutilation of a European, or at least Eurasian, lady, even +though the very slight part in the action played by _Mrs. Rodrigues_, +when alive, could hardly be called sympathetic. Still we were all so +good-humoured over her taking-off that for a long time I cherished +a rather dream-like faith in her reappearance to prove that this +attitude had been justified. Not that Mr. LOWIS has not every right to +retort that he is writing comedy rather than farce; certainly he has +made his four blind mice to run in highly diverting fashion, very +entertaining to those of us who see how they run; and as they at +least save their tails triumphantly it would perhaps be ungenerous to +complain about one that doesn't. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Damsel._ "OH, PROFESSOR, CAN YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A +LOVE-POTION? MY MOTHER SAYS IF I WED NOT SOON I MUST E'EN GO FORTH TO +EARN MY LIVING." + +_Alchemist._ "THAT I CAN, MADAM, AND OF TWO KINDS. FIRST, THE +SLOW-WORKING PURPLE SORT IS VERILY CHEAP, BUT DIFFICULT OF +ADMINISTRATION; FOR IN WATER IT IS PLAINLY VISIBLE AND EASY OF +DISCERNMENT IN TEA. WHEREAS MY PATENT POTION, BRINGING LOVE AT FIRST +SIGHT, CLOSELY RESEMBLETH THE MUCH-DESIRED WHISKY. THIS SORT IS ONE +GUINEA PER TOT."] + + * * * * * + +_The Story of the Fourth Army in the Battles of the Hundred Days_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is printed on pages the size of a copy +of _Punch_, and with its accompanying case of maps it costs +eighteen-pence to go through the post. It boasts a hundred full-page +photographs, also sketches, charts, maps, panoramas and diagrams _ad +lib._, a foreword by General Lord RAWLINSON and ten appendices; so +really it seems that the much-abused word "sumptuous" may for once +be fairly applied. The author, Major-General Sir A. MONTGOMERY, who +himself helped to "stage" the battles he writes about, has built up a +record which is in some sense unique, for I think it is possible from +this book to trace precisely where any unit of the Fourth Army was +placed, and what doing, at any given hour during the whole of the +victory march from Amiens to the Belgian frontier. Apart from anything +else it is pleasant to have a book that deals only with the days of +victory; but it must be admitted that, to gain a completeness of +detail so entirely satisfactory to those most nearly concerned, the +writer has had to sacrifice something of human interest, for many of +his pages are little more than a bare chronicle of names and places. +Undoubtedly his book should be read with great deliberation, +constant reference to the maps and a lively recollection of personal +experiences on the spot; but the civilian reader may still be content +to skim the text and save himself for the photographs. These, mostly +taken from the air and of exquisite technical quality, form an amazing +series, in themselves worth the heavy price. And who minds heavy +prices when the proceeds are pledged to the service of wounded +officers? + + * * * * * + +"Rather an anti-climax," I thought when I opened _The Happy Foreigner_ +(HEINEMANN) and found that it purported to tell the experiences of an +English _chauffeuse_ in France after the Armistice; but I know now +that, in any place where ENID BAGNOLD happened to be, there would not +be any anti-climax about. In a style so daring and vivid that it +could only have been born, I suppose, of fast driving, the authoress +describes a romantic affair with a young French officer; but her real +theme is the suffering of France bowed down under the intolerable +burden of so many strangers, both enemies and friends. The rich and +well-fed Americans who will not trouble to understand, the grotesque +Chinamen and Annamites, the starving Russians liberated from the +Germans, flash by, with the ruins of villages, the tangle of wire and +litter of derelict guns; and even the romance, intensely felt though +it is, must be fleeting, like the rest of the nightmare, because the +Frenchman's eyes are set on the future and the rebuilding of his +fortunes. This book is not "about the War," but all the same it is one +of the best books about the War that I have read. + + * * * * * + +_From a Common Room Window_ (OWEN) will be a slight refreshment +to those who are weary of realistic studies of schoolmasters and +schoolboys. "ORBILIUS," during what I take to have been a long career +as a teacher, has not allowed his sense of humour to wither within +him. In a note to his slender volume of sketches he says, "School-life +is largely a comedy. When a schoolmaster ceases to recognise this it +is time for him to 'bundle and go.'" He has been in the main a keen +and sympathetic observer, and though his remarks upon headmasters are +a little severe--personally I should hate to be called "a meticulous +pedagogue"--I do not think that a little criticism of these potentates +will do them the smallest harm. In "The Castigator" "ORBILIUS" gives a +laughable sketch. The inventor of a flogging machine is soundly beaten +by his own instrument, and he would be a sombre man indeed who could +read it without a desire to witness such a chastening performance. +By no means the least merit of this book is that it contains no new +theories about education. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 15, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17654.txt or 17654.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/5/17654/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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