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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/17654-8.txt b/17654-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4d206e --- /dev/null +++ b/17654-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 15, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 15, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 31, 2006 [EBook #17654] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + +September 15th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Prohibition meetings in Scotland, says an official, have been attended +by fifty thousand people. We should not have thought there were so +many aliens in Scotland. + + * * * + +At an Oldbury wedding the other day a brick was thrown at the +bridegroom. There is no excuse for this sort of thing with confetti so +cheap. + + * * * + +One of the Pacific Islands, we read, is so small that the House of +Commons could not be planted on it. A great pity. + + * * * + +"Do hotel chefs use cookery-books?" asks a home journal. Our own +opinion is that quite a large proportion of them cook by ear. + + * * * + +Fourteen thousand artificial teeth recently stolen from premises in +East London have not been recovered. While not attempting to indicate +the guilty party, we cannot refrain from pointing out that several +Labour leaders have recently been showing a good many more teeth than +they were thought entitled to possess. + + * * * + +At the Trades Union Congress a protest was made against the +Unemployment Insurance Act. This must not be confused with the miners' +threat to strike. That is merely a method of ensuring unemployment. + + * * * + +The arrangement by which a hundred-and-fifty amateur brass bands are +to play at the Crystal Palace on September 25th looks like an attempt +to distract us from the miners' strike fixed for that day. + + * * * + +A Ramsgate man charged with shooting a cat denied that he fired at it. +The animal is said to have dashed at the bullet and impaled himself +upon it. + + * * * + +It has been agreed, says a news item, that milk shall be tenpence a +quart this winter. Not by us. + + * * * + +The War Office announces that Arabs in Southern Mesopotamia have +captured a British armoured train. It should be pointed out to these +Arab rebels that it is such behaviour as this that discourages the +tourist spirit. + + * * * + +Upon reading that another lady had failed in her attempt to swim the +Channel a Scotsman inquires whether the Cross-Channel steamer rates +have been increased, like everything else. + + * * * + +We are informed that at a football match recently played in the +Rhondda Valley the referee won. + + * * * + +General OBREGON, says an unofficial message, has been elected +President of Mexico. The startling report that he has decided to +reverse the safe policy of his predecessors and recognise the United +States requires corroboration. + + * * * + +Everybody should economise after a great war, says an American film +producer. We always do our best after every great war. + + * * * + +According to an official report only fifty policemen were bitten by +dogs in London last week. The falling off is said to be due to the +fact that it has been rather a good year for young and tender postmen. + + * * * + +Some highly-strung persons, says a medical writer, are even afraid of +inanimate objects. This accounts for many nervous people being afraid +of venturing too near a plumber. + + * * * + +"I only want the potatoes in the allotment and not the earth," said a +complainant at Deptford. It is evident that, if this man is a trade +unionist, he is a raw amateur. + + * * * + +Doctors at Vicenza have threatened to strike. This means that people +in that neighbourhood will have to die without medical assistance. + + * * * + +"Chief Hailstorm," of the Texas Rangers, has arrived in London. His +brother, Chief Rainstorm, has, of course, been with us most of the +summer. + + * * * + +Girls, declares a well-known City caterer, are acquiring bigger +appetites. We somehow suspected that the demand for a return of the +wasp waist had influential interests behind it. + + * * * + +The wife of a miner in Warwickshire has recently presented her husband +with three baby boys. We understand that Mr. SMILLIE is sorry to have +missed three extra strike-votes which he would have obtained had the +boys been born a little earlier. + + * * * + +An extraordinary story reaches us from North London. It appears that +during the building of a house a brick slipped unnoticed from a +hod and fell into its correct position, with the result that the +accountant employed by the bricklayers could not balance his books at +the end of the day. + + * * * + +"As science measures time," declares an eminent geologist, "the Garden +of Eden was a thing of yesterday." All we can say is, "Where was +Councillor CLARK yesterday?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Special Correspondent._ "WHEN THEY RELEASED ME THEY +SAID THAT IF I SHOWED MY FACE IN IRELAND AGAIN I SHOULD BE SHOT." + +_Editor._ "I'LL LET THESE SINN FEINERS SEE THAT I'M NOT TO BE +INTIMIDATED. YOU'LL GO BACK BY THE NEXT TRAIN."] + + * * * * * + + "POLES OVER THE LINE." + + _Evening Paper._ + +So _that_ accounts for the weather. + + * * * * * + + "Whatever other defects may be alleged against the scarlet + uniform, it certainly makes for two things--discipline and + smartness--and these two are very important factors in + discipline." + + _"Civil and Military Gazette," Lahore._ + +Especially the former. + + * * * * * + + "During the night, she [Mrs. Hamilton, the Channel swimmer] said, + 'I occasionally took hot drinks and ate cold roast chicken, the + small bones of which I kept chewing, as it seemed to assist + me....' + + A strict vegetarian, Mrs. Hamilton will sometimes swim five miles + before dinner, and skips for a few minutes every day." + + _Scotch Paper._ + +She should skip the chicken if she wants us to be excited about her +strict vegetarianism. + + * * * * * + + +DOGGEREL. + +TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S ST. BERNARD PUP. + + Ere your native country figured as the home of winter sport, + Paradise of spies and agents, and for kings a last resort; + Ere the hospitable chamois lent his haunts to Bolsh and Hun + Or the queue of rash toboggans took the curve of Cresta Run; + + Long before a locomotive climbed the Rigi, cog by cog, + Fame had mentioned your forefathers--such a noble breed of dog, + How they tracked the lonely traveller with their nimble, sleuthy snouts, + Till beneath a billowy snowdrift they remarked his whereabouts. + + How they dug him out of cold-store like a Canterbury sheep, + Took their tongues and kindly licked him where his nose + had gone to sleep, + Called attention to the cognac which they wore in little kegs + And remobilised the stagnant circulation in his legs. + + How they lifted up their voices, baying like an iron bell, + Till the monks of good St. Bernard heard the same and ran like hell-- + Ran and bore him to their hospice, where they put him into bed + And applied a holy posset stiff enough to wake the dead. + + Heir to this superb tradition, born to such a pride of race, + From the doggy _flair_ that tells you what a lineage you can trace + You will draw, I trust, a solace for the strange and alien scene + Where you undergo purgation in a stuffy quarantine. + + Further, if a homesick feeling sets you itching in the scalp + With a wave of poignant longing for the odour of an Alp, + Let this thought (a thing of splendour) help to keep your pecker up-- + You have had a high promotion; you are now a Premier's pup! + + You shall guard his sacred portals, you shall eat from off his plate, + Mix with private secretaries, move behind the veil of State, + And at Ministerial councils, as a special form of treat, + You shall sniff at WINSTON'S trousers, you shall fondle CURZON'S feet. + + You may even serve your master as an expert, one who knows + All the rules regarding salvage in the Great St. Bernard snows, + Do him good by utilising your hereditary gift + To retrieve his Coalition from a constant state of drift. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + +THE PRODIGIES. + +We--Great-aunts Emily and Louisa--had in our innocence been telling a +few old fairy stories at bedtime to those three precocities whom our +hosts call their children. + +We knew that they talked Latin and Greek in their sleep and were too +much for their parents in argument, but we thought that at least, at +the story hour---- + +We were stopped by Drusilla. "I don't think much of the moral of that +one," she remarked. "It would seem to illustrate the Evil Consequences +of Benevolence!" + +"But she came alive again," said Evadne, the youngest, in extenuation. + +"And the wolf was killed," we ventured in defence of our old story. + +"Still," persisted Drusilla, "you couldn't call it encouraging." + +"Then in the other case," went on Claude thoughtfully, "considering +that she had been left in sole charge of the house and had no business +to go out and leave it to the mercy of burglars, what moral are we to +draw from the fact that she married a Prince and lived happily ever +afterwards?" + +"Most of them have that sort of moral," said Drusilla. "And they +are every one of them devoid of humour, except of the most obvious +kind--no subtlety." + +"When _I_ was your age," said poor Louisa gently, "I used to laugh +very heartily over the adventures of _Tom Thumb_." + +Claude seemed touched. "There are some capital situations in certain +of them," he conceded, "which might be quite effectively treated." + +"How?" we asked weakly. + +It was Drusilla, the most alarming of the children, who finally +undertook to sketch us out an example. + +After a short meditation, "Something like this," she said. "The +situation, of course, you have met with before, but as remodelled you +might call it-- + + + THE TRIUMPH OF VIRTUE; + OR, + THE BAD FAIRY FOILED. + + + A certain King and Queen had one daughter, to whose christening + they invited a large company, forgetting as usual a particularly + important and bad-tempered Fairy, who signified her annoyance in + the usual manner. + + The attendants of the little Princess (having read their + story-books) were preparing dolefully enough to fall asleep for a + hundred years, when the Fairy, with a contemptuous sniff, remarked + that the spell would not take effect for some time yet. + + They breathed again and had almost forgotten the affair by the + time the Princess had grown up. But the Fairy had so arranged it + that the spell fell upon the Princess at the time when she was + engaged in making her choice of a husband from among the suitors + who had arrived at her father's Court. + + The Princess was now bewitched in this way--that good men appeared + bad, ugly men handsome, and _vice versâ_. The Fairy had hoped that + she would thus make a mess of her matrimonial affairs and live + unhappily ever after. + + But she had reckoned without the disposition of the Princess, a + kind good girl with an overpowering sense of duty. When pressed + to choose, she replied firmly, "I will have no other than Prince + Felix." + + To her his ugliness seemed pathetic and his character evidently + needed reformation so urgently that she longed to be at the job. + No one wondered at her choice, for he was, of course, the most + handsome and excellent of men. + + Ultimately the Fairy broke her spell in a fit of exasperation, but + without any gratifying result. The Princess seemed happier than + ever and would sometimes say to a slightly puzzled friend:-- + + "Hasn't Felix improved _wonderfully_ since I married him?" + + * * * * * + + "From 1910 to 1916 he was Viceroy in India, governing the + Dependency through very critical years and enjoying general + esteem, as was made clear in 1912, when an attempt was made to + assassinate him at Delhi."--"_Daily Mail" on Lord Hardinge_. + +It sounds like a _succès d'estime_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PUBLIC BENEFACTOR. + +MR. SMILLIE. "I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF YOUR PAYING SO MUCH FOR YOUR COAL. +I MUST PUT THAT RIGHT; I MUST SEE THAT YOU DON'T GET ANY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tramp_. "IN THIS BIT O' NOOSPAPER IT SAYS: +'THE 'OLE CAUSE OF THE WORLD'S PRESENT DISORDER IS THE UNIVERSAL +SPIRIT OF UNREST. I WONDER IF THAT'S TRUE?" + +_Second Tramp_. "I AIN'T NOTICED IT."] + + * * * * * + + +THE COAL CUP. + +It seems to me that we all take a great deal of interest in the miners +when they strike, but not nearly enough when they hew. And yet +this business of hacking large lumps of fuel out of a hole, since +civilisation really depends on it, ought to be represented to us from +day to day as the beautiful and thrilling thing that it really is. Yet +if we put aside for a moment Mr. SMILLIE'S present demands, we find +the main topics of discussion in the daily Press as I write are +roughly these:-- + + (1) The prospects of League Football and the Cup Ties. + + (2) Ireland. + + (3) The prevalence of deafness amongst blue-eyed cats. + + (4) Mesopotamia. + + (5) The Fall of Man. + + (6) The sale of _The Daily Mail_, whose circulation during +the coming winter is for some reason or other supposed to be almost +as important to the children of England as their own. + +Of all these topics the first is, of course, by far the most +absorbing, and almost everyone has remarked how the love of sport, for +which Britons are famous, is growing more passionate than ever. It is +not only cricket and football, of course; only the other day there was +a shilling sweepstake on the St. Leger in our office and, from what +I hear of the form of Westmorland in the County Croquet Championship +during the past season--but I have no time to discuss these things +now. + +The point is that, whilst this excitement over games grows greater +and greater, the country is suffering, say the economists, from +under-production and the inflation of the wage-bill. This means that +everyone is trying to do less work and get more money for it, a very +natural ambition which nobody can blame the miners from sharing. I +suppose that if they all stopped mining and we had to depend for +warmth on wrapping ourselves up in moleskins, the molliers, or +whatever they are called, would strike for a two-shillings rise as +well. + +The worst of it is that under-production, say the economists again +(there is no keeping anything from these smart lads), sends prices up. +Obviously then there is only one thing to do: we must take advantage +of the prevailing passion and make mining (and other industries too +for that matter) a form of sport. The daily papers should find very +little difficulty in doing this. + + WHO HEWS HARDEST? + CLAIM BY A LANARKSHIRE COLLIER + +would do very well for the headings of a preliminary article; and +the claim of the Lanarkshire collier would, I am sure, be instantly +challenged. After a few letters we might have a suggestion, say from +Wales, that no team of eleven miners could hew so hard and so much +as a Welsh one. And from that it would be only a short step to the +formation of district league competitions and an international +championship. Or the old-time system under which cricketers were +matched for a stake by sporting patrons might be revived, and we +should have headlines in the evening Press after this fashion:-- + + HUGE HEWING CONTEST. + NOTTS FOREST v. NEWCASTLE UNITED. + TREMENDOUS WAGER BETWEEN + THE DUKES OF PORTLAND AND + NORTHUMBERLAND + +and all the glades of Sherwood and the banks where the wild Tyne flows +would be glad. + +It will be objected, of course, that the hewing of coal is not a +spectacular affair. You cannot pack sixty thousand spectators into a +mine to watch a hewing match, and even if you could the lighting is +bad; but that is just where the skill of the reporters would come in. +After all, we do not most of us see the races on which we bet, nor +the Golf Championship, nor even BECKETT and WELLS. But there would be +articles on the correct swing whilst hewing, and the proper stance, +and how far the toes should be turned in; the chances of every team +would be discussed; the current odds would be quoted, and, whoever +won, the consumer would score, whilst the strongest hewers would +become popular heroes and be photographed on the back-page standing +beside their hews. + +I admit that the South of England and London in particular would have +very little share in these competitions, and we should depend for +local interest mainly upon the promising young colts from the Kentish +nurseries. But we could find out from our dealers where our coals +came from and follow from afar the fortunes of our adopted teams; and +Cabinet Ministers, at any rate, could distribute their patronage and +their presence with tact over the various areas involved. + + MR. BALFOUR HEWS OFF AT + DURHAM + +is another headline which seems to suggest itself, and I should +strongly urge the PRIME MINISTER, who has returned, I hear, with a St. +Bernard from the Alps, to lose no time in selecting a more appropriate +playmate. + + PREMIER AT TONYPANDY. + MR. LLOYD GEORGE PATS PET + PIT-PONY + +is the kind of thing I mean, and very hard also to say six times +quickly without making a mistake. + +Obviously the result of all this would be that not only would the +miners be justified in asking for more money, but that the country +would be able to afford it; and similar competitive leagues, to +supersede trade unions, would soon be formed by other trades. One +seems to hear faintly the loud plaudits of the onlookers as two crack +teams of West-end road-menders step smartly into the arena.... + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +=Our Bolshevik Colonies.= + + "Married Shepherd, used hilly country and all farm and station + work, desires Situation; wife would cook one or two men." + +"_The Press," Christchurch, N.Z._ + + "Miss ----, a soubrette, whose songs lean towards the voluptuous, + sank 'Somebody's Baby.' Her encore number, 'You'd be Surprised,' + was even more so." + +"_The Dominion," Wellington, N.Z._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Woodland Sprite (from Stepney, to eminent botanist)._ +"PLEASE, MISTER, MAGGIE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU CHARGE FOR TAKING +TWINS?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE PASSING OF THE CRADLE. + + [According to a report which recently appeared in a daily paper, + cradles for infants are becoming a thing of the past.] + + Snug retreat for mother's treasure, + Shall I pine as I repeat + Rumour's strange report, which says you're + Virtually obsolete? + Shall these lips a doleful lyric + Proffer at your ghostly bier, + Or compose a panegyric + Moistened with a minstrel's tear? + + Me the theme leaves too unshaken, + Though "some" father more or less; + Better 'twere if undertaken + By my wife (a poetess); + And, if I be asked, Why vainly + Occupy, then, so much space? + My concern, I'll say, is mainly + With the woman in the case. + + For, when she and you shall sever + (Though 'tis early yet to crow), + Your departure may for ever + Lay her proudest triumph low; + Yes, while men (I'm much afraid) 'll + Round her fingers still be twirled, + If her hand can't rock a cradle + It may cease to boss the world. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "Irate Householders, why be swindled in a clumsy manner? Fetch + your second-hand clothing to me and be done in the most approved + style."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"MORE LITERARY HEREDITY. + + Fresh literary fame seems to be pending for the Maurice Hewlett + family circle. + + Mr. Robin Richards, the son-in-law of the famous novelist, is + about to appeal to fiction readers with his first novel."--_Daily + Paper_. + +No more of the old-fashioned DARWIN and GALTON nonsense about fathers +and children. + + * * * * * + + +SEVEN WHITEBAIT. + +Here and there in the drab routine of modern existence it is still +possible to catch an occasional glimpse of romance and courageous +living, and in the volume which lies before us as we write we are +given a generous measure of peril and adventure in faery seas forlorn. +_From Whitebait to Kipper: The Story of Seven Lives_, is the vivid +record of a family of herrings, set down (posthumously, it would seem) +with refreshing simplicity by Walter Herring, the youngest and perhaps +the most brilliant of the family. The story begins with the early +childhood of Walter, John, Isabel, Margaret, Rupert, Stéphanie and +little Foch, the last of whom was so named because he was born on the +anniversary of the Armistice. (As a matter of fact they were all born +on the same day, but for some reason which is not explained only one +of them was called Foch.) + +You, reader, are one of those ignorant people who do so much discredit +to our Public Schools. You fondly think that the whitebait is a +special kind of fish, that there are father whitebaits and mother +whitebaits and baby whitebaits. You are wrong. There are only baby +whitebaits. At least there are baby herrings and baby pilchards, and +these are called whitebait because they are eaten by the mackerel and +because they look white when they are swimming upside down. + +Anyhow Walter and John and Isabel and Margaret and Rupert and +Stéphanie and little Foch began life as whitebait. They used to charge +about the Cornish seas with whole platefuls of other whitebait, +millions of them, and wherever they went they were pursued by +thousands of mackerel, who wanted to eat them. One day John felt that +the moment was very near when he would be eaten by a mackerel, and he +was quite right. Isabel felt the same thing, but she was wrong. +She jumped out of the water and was eaten by a sea-gull. When the +fishermen saw Isabel leaping into the air they came out and caught +the mackerel in a net. They also caught Margaret with a lot of other +whitebait; and she was eaten by a barrister at "Claridge's." + +There were now four of the family who had not been eaten by anyone. It +is extraordinary when you come to think of it that any herring ever +contrives to reach maturity at all. What with the mackerel and the +seagulls and the barristers, everybody seems to be against it. +However, Walter, Rupert and Foch succeeded. Stéphanie just missed. +Walter and Rupert and Foch had jolly soft roes, a fact which is +recorded in a cynical little poem by the precocious Foch, believed +to be the only literary work of a whitebait now extant. We have only +space here to quote the opening couplet:-- + + The herrings with the nice soft rows + Are gentlemen; the rest are does. + +The survivors of the family had now to choose a career. From the +beginning it seems to have been recognised that Stéphanie at least +would have to be content with a humbler sphere than her more gifted +brothers. She had a hard roe and was rather looked down upon. But she +was an independent little thing and her pride revolted at a life of +subjection at home; so while still a girl she went off on her own and +got mixed up with some pilchards who were just being caught in a net. +Stéphanie was caught too and became a sardine. She was carefully oiled +and put in a tin, and she was eaten at a picnic near Hampton Court. +But there is every reason to suppose that she was eaten happy, since +in those less exacting circles nobody seemed to mind about her hard +roe, which had been a perpetual bugbear to her in the herring world. + +Meanwhile the remaining three had decided on a career. They were +determined to be fresh herrings. This is of course the highest +ambition of all herrings, though sadly few succeed in attaining it. +One herring in his time plays many parts (SHAKESPEARE); he can seldom +say with confidence what exactly he will be to-morrow; but he can +be fairly certain that it won't be a fresh herring. Of our three +survivors Rupert alone was to win the coveted distinction. He grew +to be a fine boy and was eaten at Hammersmith, where his plump but +delicate roe gave the greatest satisfaction. It was not eaten in the +ordinary humdrum way, but was thickly spread on a piece of buttered +toast, generously peppered, and _devoured_. And when his "wish" was +placed on the kitchen-range, swelled rapidly and burst with a loud +report, his cup of happiness was full. + +Little Foch, alas, failed to fulfil his youthful promise and became a +common bloater. Worse than that, he was bloated too thoroughly and was +almost impossible to eat. Even his lovely roe, the pride of his heart, +became so salt that the Rector of Chitlings finally rejected it with +ignominy, though not before he had consumed so much of it that he had +to drink the whole of his sermon-water before he began to preach. + +But it was Walter, Walter the chronicler, Walter the clever, the +daring, the ambitious, leader in every escapade, adviser in every +difficulty, who was to suffer the crowning humiliation. Walter became +a kipper. If there is one thing that a herring cannot stand it is to +be separated from his roe. Walter's roe was ruthlessly torn from him +and served up separate on toast, with nothing to show that it was +the glorious roe of Walter. It was eaten at the Criterion by a +stockbroker, and it might have been anybody's roe. Meanwhile the +mutilated frame, the empty shell of Walter, was squashed flat in a +wooden box with a mass of others and sold at an auction by the pound. +It broke his heart. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + +LADY'S SLIPPER. + + Country gossips, nodding slow + When the fire is burning low, + Or chatting round about the well + On the green at Ashlins Dell, + With many a timid backward glance + And fingers crossed and eyes askance, + Still tell about the Midmas Day + When Marget Malherb went away. + + "After Midmas Day shall break, + Maidens, neither brew nor bake; + See your house be sanded clean; + Wear no stitch of fairy green; + Go barefoot; wear nor hose nor shoon + From rise of sun to rise of moon; + For the Good People watch and wait + Waiting early, watching late, + For foolish maids who treat with scorn + The mystic rites of Midmas Morn." + + Marget Malherb tossed her head, + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said-- + For she'd new slippers she would wear + To show her lad the pretty pair, + Soft green leather, buckled red-- + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said. + She drew them on and laughed in scorn, + And out she danced on Midmas Morn. + + Nevermore was Marget seen; + But when her lover sought the green + A Fairy Ring was all he found-- + A Fairy Ring on the weeping ground; + And by the hedge a flower grew, + Long and slender, filled with dew, + Green and pointed, ribboned red; + And still you'll find them as I've said. + And Marget comes, so gossips say, + To wear her shoes on Midmas Day. + + * * * * * + +=The Gladiatorial Spirit.= + + "Crossbie would have done better to have shot himself, but he gave + the ball to his partner."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "MILK PRICES UP. + HIGHER CHARGE TO MEET THE COST OF PETROL." + +_Daily Paper_. + +We always thought it was water that they used. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EVERYBODY COULD BE LIKE US" + +BY TAKING "_PLUMPO_" TABLETS. THE SECRET OF STRENGTH AND BEAUTY] + + * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD NEWS FOR WOMEN! + +"Every woman may be beautiful" + +Leonina Robinson + +CONSULTATIONS DAILY APPLY FOR MADAME R'S LATEST BOOK + +MADAME ROBINSON "HOW TO FASCINATE"] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DOCTORS DESPAIRED-- + +AMAZING STATEMENT BY WELL KNOWN LONDON MAN!!! + +Mr. SYD PORKER of 250A GLADSTONE TERRACE TOOTING WRITES + +"..._I AM TWICE THE MAN I WAS_." + +Mr. PORKER (TAKEN FROM LIFE) + +PARKES'S PURPLE PILLS.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: WHY MAKE A SIGHT OF YOURSELF? + +ONE BOTTLE OF "FRIZOLIN" FIXES THE HAIR LIKE GLUE] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DO YOU SUFFER FROM LACK OF BRAINS? + +IF SO--SEND P.O. FOR 2/6 TO + +PROF. X. BOX M. ROOM N. 21 SLOPER'S COURT PECKHAM + +_AND AWAIT RESULTS_. + +"ASTOUNDING!" (PRESS OPINION) + +PROF. X. THE MAN WHO HAS REVOLUTIONISED MEDICAL SCIENCE.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: CECILIA BLOBS ROBES] + + * * * + +THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF BEAUTY IN ART. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bored Spectator_. "'ERE, NOT SO MUCH OF THE +CA-CANNY."] + + * * * * * + + +A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS. + +It is without doubt the most expensive hotel on the front, and the +palatial dining-room in which we have just lunched is furnished and +decorated in that sumptuously luxurious style to which only wealth, +untrammelled by art, is able to attain. Personally I cannot afford to +take my meals at such places, and I know that the same holds good of +my fellow-guest, Charteris. Charteris was the best scholar of our +year at Oriel, and since his demobilisation he and his wife have been +living in two rooms, except during the periods when their son joins +them for his holidays from Winchester. But our host is still possessed +of an obstinate wealth which even the War has done little to diminish, +and, as he himself puts it, is really grateful to those of his old +friends who will help him in public to support the ignominy. + +At the moment, having finished lunch, we have betaken ourselves to +wicker-chairs in the porch, and Charteris and our host being deep in a +golf discussion I venture once more to turn a covert attention to the +exceedingly splendid couple who have just followed us out from the +dining-room. I noticed them first on my arrival, when they were just +getting out of their Rolls-Royce, and the admiration which I then +conceived for them was even further enhanced during lunch by a near +view of the lady's diamonds and of the Cinquevalli-like dexterity +shown by her husband in balancing a full load of peas on the concave +side of a fork. At present the man, somewhat flushed with champagne, +is smoking an enormous cigar with a red-and-gold band round it, while +the lady, her diamonds flashing in the sunshine, leans back in her +chair and regards with supercilious eyes the holiday crowds that +throng the pavement below. + +Following her glance my attention is suddenly arrested by the strange +behaviour of two passers-by, who have stopped in the middle of the +pavement and, after exchanging some excited comments, are staring +fixedly towards us. From their appearance they would seem to be a +typical husband and wife of the working-class on holiday, and it +occurs to me that, given the clothes and the diamonds, they might well +be occupying the wicker-chairs of the couple opposite. Evidently the +sight of somebody or something in the hotel porch has excited +them greatly, for they continue to stare up at us with a hostile +concentration that renders them quite unconscious of the frantic +efforts of the small child who accompanies them to tug them towards +the beach. After a moment they exchange a few more quick words, and +the man leaves his companion and makes his way towards us. Ascending +the hotel steps with an air of great determination he comes to a halt +before the couple opposite. + +"'Ere, I've bin lookin' for you," he begins accusingly. + +The Rolls-Royce owner takes the cigar from his mouth and gazes in +astonishment at the accusing apparition before him. + +"A hour ago," pursues the newcomer relentlessly, "you was driving +along the front here in the whackin' great car. It ain't no good +denyin' it, 'cos I took the number." + +"What d'ye mean--denying it?" exclaims Rolls-Royce. "Who's denying +anythink?" + +"It ain't no good tryin' to deny it," retorts the other. "An' it ain't +no good denyin' wot you did neether, 'cos I've got my missus 'ere to +prove it." + +"What I did?" echoes the astonished man. "What did I do?" + +"Ran over my child's b'loon," states the accuser, fixing him with a +pitiless eye. For the moment the object of this serious charge is too +taken aback to be capable of speech. + +"'Ran over my child's b'loon,'" repeats the other inexorably. +"Leastways your chauffer did. An' when we 'ollered out to yer to stop +you just rushed on like a runaway railway-train." + +Rolls-Royce, conscious of the curious gaze of the entire company, +pulls himself together and regards his accuser unfavourably. + +"First I've 'eard of it," he growls. "Where was the balloon anyway? In +the road, I s'pose?" + +"Yes, it _was_ in the road," retorts the other defiantly, "where +it's got every right to be. Road's there for the convenience of +b'loon-fliers just as much as for motor-cars. More." + +"Look 'ere, that's enough of it," says the car-owner harshly. "If +the balloon got run over it's yer own fault for letting it go in the +road." + +"That's a nice way to talk," suddenly comes in shrill tones from the +woman below, who has edged her way to the foot of the steps. "We don't +go buyin' balloons for you to run over in yer cars. We're respectable +people, we are, an' we work for our livin'." + +"Drivin' about in a car like an express train, runnin' over other +people's b'loons," corroborates her husband bitterly. "Wot country +d'yer think yer in? Prussia?" + +By this time a small crowd has gathered on the pavement and is gazing +up at the protagonists with ghoulish interest. The lady in the +diamonds, a prey to mingled indignation and alarm, has leant towards +her spouse and is whispering to him urgently, but he shakes her off +with an impatient movement. + +"Not on yer life," he snaps. "They won't get a cent out o' me." + +"Ho, won't we!" exclaims his accuser hotly. "We'll soon see about +that. We're English people, we are--we don't allow people to go about +destroyin' our b'loons." + +"No wonder they're so rich," cries the woman at the bottom of +the steps in satirical tones. "That's the way to get rich, that +is--destroyin' other people's prop'ty an' then refusin' to pay for it. +Anybody could get rich that way." + +Reflections on the feasibility of this novel financial scheme are cut +short by the appearance at the top of the steps of the hotel porter, +who touches the originator of the disturbance on the shoulder. + +"Come on, you're not allowed up 'ere, you know," he observes. + +"Ho, ain't I?" retorts the man defiantly. "Is this Buckingham Pallis?" + +"You can't come up 'ere unless you've got business in the 'otel," +states the porter unmoved. + +"So I 'ave got bisness 'ere," declares the other. "Bisness c'nected +with my son's b'loon." + +"An' we don't leave 'ere till it's settled, neither," cries the lady +on the pavement. "'Alf-a-crown that balloon cost, an' we don't budge +from 'ere till we get it." + +This is altogether too much for the owner of the Rolls-Royce. + +"'Alf-a-crown?" he explodes and turns indignantly to the company. +"'Alf-a-crown for a child's balloon, and _then_ they go on strike." + +Derisive cheers and counter-cheers go up from the crowd below as the +incensed balloon-owner bursts forth into an impassioned defence of his +inalienable right as a free-born Briton to strike or to buy half-crown +balloons as the spirit moves him. Simultaneously the lady in the +diamonds rises and, producing a coin from her gold bag, holds it with +a superb gesture at arm's length beneath his nose. For a moment or two +he pays no attention to her, then takes the coin impatiently with the +air of one brushing aside an irritating interruption and continues his +harangue. + +"Come on," puts in the porter; "you've got yer 'alf-crown. S'pose you +move on." + +"Got me 'alf-crown, 'ave I'?" he retorts. "Wot about my rights as a +man? Does 'alf-a-crown buy them?" + +No one venturing to solve this social problem he turns slowly and, +glaring over his shoulder at Rolls-Royce, descends the steps. + +"I'm an Englishman, I am," he concludes from the pavement. "No one +can't close my mouth with 'alf-crowns." + +For a brief space he stands scowling up at the porch as though +challenging all and sundry to perform this feat, then, taking his wife +by the arm, moves off with her and the still insistent child towards +the beach. The crowd on the pavement, regretfully convinced that the +entertainment is at an end, disperses slowly. Rolls-Royce, seemingly +unconscious of the interest of Charteris and our host, who are looking +at him covertly as at some zoological specimen, relights his cigar and +sits glowering across the road, and silence falls upon the scene--a +silence broken at last by the lady in the diamonds, who has resumed +her languid pose in the wicker-chair. + +"'Orrible people!" she observes, addressing the occupants of the porch +generally. "Nice state o' things when you can't even be safe from 'em +in yer own 'otel. You don't seem to be able to get away from these +low-class people hanywhere--you don't reely!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Energetic Motor-Cyclist._ "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU SIT +STILL? YOU'LL HAVE US OVER IN A MINUTE."] + + * * * * * + +40-1920 A.D. + + CALIGULA the man (quite mad, of course) + Conferred the consulship upon his horse. + + Caligula the colt (a trifle saner) + Makes kings of jockey, purchaser and trainer. + + Sanity counts; I raise my cup of massic + Not to the earlier but the later "classic." + + * * * * * + +=Journalistic Modesty.= + + "I was his [Irving's] guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for + a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of + third-rate people." + +_C.K.S. in "The Sphere."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Master._ "TCHA! THIS BACON TASTES SIMPLY BEASTLY." + +_The Mistress._ "GLADYS, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BACON WE SET ASIDE +FOR POISONING THE RATS?"] + + * * * * * + + +FASHION AND PHYSIQUE. + +The heightened stature of women was a favourite topic in +anthropometric circles long before the War. It seems, however, that +they are not going to rest content with their present standard of +altitude, but are invoking the resources of Art to render it even more +conspicuous. We do not speak rashly or without book. _The Evening +News_ announced on September 8th that "Women are to be taller this +autumn." Nature may be in the Fall, but women are on the rise. The +mode by which this effect of elongation--so dear to Art--is to be +attained is described in detail by the Paris correspondent of our +contemporary as follows:-- + +"A fluffy and very high head-dress will be worn this autumn. The +effect is obtained by the aid of pads, and adds some inches to a +woman's stature.... Another type of coiffure is being adopted by some +hairdressers, who leave the hair flat and smooth round the face, and +only make a sort of bird's-nest of the ends, which stand well up so as +to lengthen the profile in an upward direction." + +Nothing, however, is said about the relation of fashion to the +physique of the sterner sex. To correct this omission Mr. Punch +has interviewed a number of West-End tailors, hatters, hosiers and +bootmakers. The results of this inquiry may be briefly summarised. + +Heads are to be larger this autumn, and to keep pace with the +extraordinary development of brain amongst our insurgent youth, as +evidenced by the correspondence in _The Morning Post_, it has been +found necessary to make a radical change in the stock sizes of hats. +But, where there has been no cranial distension, provision will be +made to remedy the defect by the insertion of a cork sheath, by the +aid of which a head of undersized circumference will be able to wear +a No. 8 hat. Again, to meet the needs of customers in whom the +temperature of the cranial region is habitually high, a hat has been +devised with a vacuum lining for the insertion of cold water. The +"Beverley" nickel-plated refrigerating helmet, as it is called, has +already found a large sale amongst Balliol undergraduates. + +As a result of the revival of the "Apes _v._ Angels" controversy, in +which Canon BARNES has taken so prominent a part, and Mr. BOTTOMLEY +has declared himself as a whole-hearted supporter of DARWIN (_vide_ +his article in _The Sunday Pictorial_), hands will be supple and +boneless this autumn, as in fashionable portraits. This reversion to +the prehensile type of hand, so noticeable in the chimpanzee, has its +drawbacks, and the rigidity necessary for certain manual functions, +such as winding up a motor or opening a champagne bottle, will be +furnished by gloves of a stiffer and stronger fabric, ranging from +simulation leatherette to chain-mail. + +Owing to the continued over-crowding of trains, tubes and motor-buses, +elbows will be more prominent and aggressive than ever, and tailors +are building a type of coat calculated to relieve the strain on this +useful joint by a system of progressive padding, soft inside but +resembling a nutmeg-grater at the point of contact with the enemy. + +It only remains to be added that in consequence of the publication of +the Jewish Protocol and other documents pointing to revolutionary and +anarchical Semitic activities, noses will be worn straighter and _à la +Grecque_, and for similar reasons feet will be shorter and with more +uplift in the instep. + + * * * * * + +=A Hot Spell.= + +From a story for boys:-- + +"The heat was so intense that we were perspiring from every paw." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SNOWED UNDER. + +THE ST. BERNARD PUP (_to his Master_). "THIS SITUATION APPEALS TO MY +HEREDITARY INSTINCTS. SHALL I COME TO THE RESCUE?" + +[Before leaving Switzerland Mr. LLOYD GEORGE purchased a St. Bernard +pup.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Futurist to Brother Brush (after along country walk in +search of a subject)._ "THIS IS RATHER JOLLY. WHAT A RELIEF IT IS TO +GET AMONGST THE REAL JAGGED STUFF."] + + * * * * * + + +THE OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE ROCK, SCILLY. + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "'Tis a mighty queer place to be building a home + In the teeth of the gales and the wash of the foam, + With nothing in view but the sea and the sky; + It cannot be cheerful or healthy or dry. + Why don't you go inland and rent a snug house, + With fowls in the garden and blossoming boughs, + Old woman, old woman, old woman?" said I. + + "A garden have I at my hand + Beneath the green swell, + With pathways of glimmering sand + And borders of shell. + There twinkle the star-fish and there + Red jellies unfold; + The weed-banners ripple and flare + All purple and gold. + And have I no poultry? Oh, come + When the Equinox lulls; + The air is a-flash and a-hum + With the tumult of gulls; + They whirl in a shimmering cloud + Sun-bright on the breeze; + They perch on my chimneys and crowd + To nest at my knees, + And set their dun chickens to rock on the motherly + Lap of the seas." + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "It sounds very well, but it cannot be right; + This must be a desolate spot of a night, + With nothing to hear but the guillemot's cry, + The sob of the surf and the wind soughing by. + Go inland and get you a cat for your knee + And gather your gossips for scandal and tea, + Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I. + + "No amber-eyed tabby may laze + And purr at my feet, + But here in the blue summer days + The seal-people meet. + They bask on my ledges and romp + In the swirl of the tides, + Old bulls in their whiskers and pomp + And sleek little brides. + Yet others come visiting me + Than grey seal or bird; + Men come in the night from the sea + And utter no word. + Wet weed clings to bosom and hair; + Their faces are drawn; + They crouch by the embers and stare + And go with the dawn + To sleep in my garden, the swell flowing over them + Like a green lawn." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +=Labour Leaders on the Links.= + +Under a photograph in a London evening paper runs the following +legend:-- + + "Mr. John Hodge and another official of the Iron and Steel + Founders Union enjoy a game of golf after the Trade Union Congress + at Portsmouth adjourns for the day. Our picture shows Mr. John + Hodge Putting." + +Some idea of the forceful and unconventional methods of our Labour +leaders may be gathered from the attitude of Mr. JOHN HODGE, whose +club is raised well over his shoulder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner._ "SORR, I OBJECT TO MR. CLANCY SERVIN' ON +THE JURY." + +_Mr. Clancy._ "BEDAD, AN' FOR WHY, MICHAEL? I'M _FOR_ YEZ!"] + + * * * * * + + +THE TAXATION OF VIRTUE. + +"I shall wait," said Peter, "till they send me the final notice." + +"Being his wife," said Hilda to me, "I am in a position to know that +he will not. In another week he will pay, saying that the thought of +income-tax has affected his nerves and that he can bear it no longer. +He wobbles like this for six weeks twice a year, and meanwhile his +family starves." + +"Under our system of taxation," Peter retorted, "the innocent must +suffer." + +"It falls alike on the just and the unjust," I interposed. "How else +would you have it?" + +"Naturally I would have it fall on the unjust alone," he replied. + +"Why not on the just alone?" I asked, suddenly aware of the birth of +an idea. + +"Of course you want exemption." + +"You miss my point. You grant that taxation is necessary?" + +"For the sake of argument," said Peter, "I grant that, with +reservations." + +"Since then there must be taxes, why not have taxes that it would be a +pleasure to pay? The current taxes are not a pleasure to pay." + +"I grant that," said Peter, "without reservations." + +"Now there is only one sort of tax that I can imagine anybody paying +gladly, and that would be a tax on his virtues." + +"Still hankering after your own exemption," growled Peter. + +"Leave me out of account. Take, by preference, yourself. You have +virtues and are proud of them." + +Hilda intervened, as I had anticipated. "The pride is admitted," said +she, "but as for the assessment value of the virtues----" + +"Never mind that. You are proud of your virtues"--I turned to Peter +again--"yet you are sometimes troubled, like the rest of us, by a fear +that you may not really possess them after all. But the assessment +of your virtues by the Board of Inland Revenue would prove their +existence to yourself and to all the world." + +"Except his wife," said Hilda. + +"Her evidence would not be accepted. If you had paid taxation for the +possession of a virtue, the receipt would be a guarantee that you did +possess that particular virtue, and it would consequently be a source +of profound moral satisfaction to you. You would pay with pleasure. +Besides, it is a poor kind of virtue that will not abide a test. The +tax would be a test. Suppose that five pounds was levied upon you for +honesty. If you refused to pay how could you ever again claim to +be honest? You would be marked as not valuing your honesty at five +pounds. No, you would pay and pay readily." + +My words were addressed to Peter, but Hilda seemed the more +interested. "It sounds well, but how would you raise the money?" she +asked. + +"That would depend on the virtue," I replied. "The sobriety tax, for +example, would be levied on anyone who had not for some years been +convicted of drunkenness." + +"But how about the virtues that you don't get fined for not +having--truthfulness, unselfishness, kindheartedness and all those?" + +"I admit that would be difficult. Can you suggest anything?" I asked +Peter. + +"No," he answered. "I'm not encouraging your rotten idea anyhow." + +"Could the revenue officials feel people's bumps?" inquired Hilda +reflectively. + +"I'm afraid," I said, "people wouldn't stand it. Fancy Peter----" + +"I've got it," said Hilda. "The revenue officials would attribute a +virtue to the taxpayer, and if he wanted to escape taxation they would +require him to prove to them that he lacked the virtue in question." + +"They would like doing that," muttered Peter. + +"You have found the solution," I said to Hilda. "If you impute to a +person a virtue he does not possess he probably denies that he has it, +but he is really flattered and his denial is not sincere. He would be +willing to pay on it; he would rather pay than not." + +At this point Peter grew tired of refraining from comment. "I don't +want you to suppose," he said, "that I am taking any interest in your +fatuous scheme, but doesn't it occur to you that under your system it +would be simply ruinous to have any virtues at all, and that the only +people who would flourish would be those who had no virtues and were +not ashamed of it?" + +"For one thing," I replied confidently, "the taxes would be graduated +in the ordinary way in accordance with means. The slightest flicker of +a conscience in Park Lane would be more heavily mulcted than the most +blameless life in Bermondsey. But the main point is that under my +system taxation would become the measure of a man's moral worth, and +people who did not pay taxes would be simply out of it. All the +plums would go the highly-taxed men. Their tax receipts would be +certificates of character, and the more they earned the more the +Treasury would be able to get out of them. So far from dodging +taxation, people would scramble to pay it." + +"But how," asked Hilda, "would you make the tax receipt a trustworthy +testimonial? Your rich man with one virtue would have a better receipt +than your poor one with ten." + +"The virtues taxed would be shown on the receipt," I replied. +"Besides, poor and virtuous men would, as I have suggested, get an +abatement on their virtue taxes, and the amount of the abatement would +be shown on the receipt. So it could easily be seen what proportion a +man was paying on his wealth and what on his virtues." + +"Look here," said Peter, aroused at last, "do you convey that the +tobacco duty would be paid by people who didn't smoke?" + +"It would amount to that," I answered, "assuming that abstention from +tobacco were counted a virtue." + +"There may be something in it after all," said Peter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fisherman._ "THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH, BUT YOU'VE GOT +TO FISH DRY TO CATCH THEM." + +_American Friend._ "SAY, YOU MAKE ME REAL HOMESICK."] + + * * * * * + + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE CHAMELEON. + + The chameleon changes his colour; + He can look like a tree or a wall; + He is timid and shy and he hates to be seen, + So he simply sits down in the grass and goes green, + And pretends he is nothing at all. + + I wish I could change my complexion + To purple or orange or red; + I wish I could look like the arm of a chair + So nobody ever would know I was there + When they wanted to put me to bed. + + I wish I could be a chameleon + And look like a lily or rose; + I'd lie on the apples and peaches and pears, + But not on Aunt Margaret's yellowy chairs-- + I should have to be careful of those. + + The chameleon's life is confusing; + He is used to adventure and pain; + But if ever he sat on Aunt Maggie's cretonne + And found what a curious colour he'd gone, + I don't think he'd do it again. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +THAT TEA INTERVAL. + +Before the last ball of 1920 is bowled and the last wicket in a +first-class match falls (as will most probably happen at the Oval this +very afternoon, September 15th), I should like to let the Gods of +the Game know how I propose to spend the following winter in their +interests, so that when the season of 1921 is with us the happiness of +the cricket spectator may be even greater than it has been in the one +now expiring. + +I am going to devote the time to invention. With every grain of +intellect and ingenuity that I can scrape together I am going to +devise a means of humanising the tea interval. + +Once upon a time I was so rash as to ridicule this interruption. I +drew attention to the fact that the ancient heroes of the game had +been able to dispense with it. ALFRED MYNN needed no Asiatic stimulant +between lunch and the close of play. Even such whole-hearted moderns as +HORNBY and SHREWSBURY and GRACE managed to do well without the support +of Hyson or Bohea. For more than a century cricket and tea were +strangers and cricket did not suffer. And so on. But the attacks were +futile: the tea interval became an institution; and nothing now, one +realises, can ever occur to separate the gallant fellows from their +cups and saucers. + +That being accepted, the problem is how to make the interval at once +less harmful to the match and more tolerable to the lover of cricket; +and it is on this problem that I have been working and intend to work +through the arid football months. What has to be done is (_a_) to get +the interval abbreviated; and (_b_) to keep the players on the field. +It is the length of it and the empty pitch that are so depressing +to the spectator, and it is the return to the pavilion that is so +detrimental to the rhythm of the game. Neither of the batsmen ever +wants the interruption, and I have often noticed a reluctance in +certain members of the fielding side. As for the watchers, they never +fail to groan. + +Still, as I have said, it is now recognised that the craving for tea +is as much a part of the present-day game as the six-ball over, and +the time has passed for censuring it. But something can be done to +regulate it; and I have based my efforts towards a solution on the +argument that, if a cricketer is not called in from the game to read +his telegram, but (as we have all seen so often) the telegram is +taken out to him, surely the precious fluid that he so passionately +desiderates can be taken out to him too. At present, therefore, all +my thoughts are turned upon the construction of some kind of wheeled +waggon, such as is in use at a well-known restaurant in the Strand, on +which fifteen cups (two for the umpires) and an urn and sugar and milk +can be conveyed, with the concomitant bread-and-butter, or shrimps or +meringues, or whatever is eaten with the tea, on a lower shelf. This +could be pushed on to the ground at 4.15 and pushed back again at +4.20 without any serious injury to the match. That is my idea at the +moment; but I am a poor mechanic and should be glad if some properly +qualified person--someone with a HEATH ROBINSON mind--would take the +work over. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + +IN THE MOVEMENT. + +How I came to be able to understand the language of trees is a secret. +But I do understand it. It is my peculiar privilege to overhear all +kinds of whispered conversation--green speech in green shades--as I +take my rest underneath the boughs on a country walk. Some day I shall +set down fully the result of these leaves-droppings, but at the moment +I want to tell only of what I heard some blackberry bushes saying last +week. + +"From what I hear," said the first bush, "the cost of everything's +going up by leaps and bounds." + +"How is that?" asked one of its neighbours. + +"It's due, I understand," the first bush replied, "partly to scarcity +of labour and partly to profiteering." + +"I don't see why we shouldn't participate," said another bush. "Here +we are, covered with fruit, and it's all just as free as ever it was. +That's absurd, after a big war. The duty of a war is to make things +dearer and remove freedom." + +"Of course," said the others. + +"'Your blackberries will cost you more'--that should be our motto," +said the first bush. "We must be up to date." + + * * * * * + +A few days later, after one of our infrequent post-bellum gleams of +sunshine, I met the Lady of the White House and all her nice children +returning from a day's blackberrying. They showed me their +baskets with a proper pride, and I was suitably enthusiastic and +complimentary. + +"But do look at our poor hands and arms and our torn frocks!" said the +lady. "We've picked blackberries here year after year, but we've never +been so badly scratched before. It's extraordinary. I can't account +for it." + +I could, though. + + * * * * * + + +THE MOON-SELLER. + + A man came by at night with moons to sell; + "Moons old and new," he cried; + I hurried when I heard him call for me; + He set his basket on the wall for me + That I might see inside + And watch the little moons curl up and hide. + + Each one he touched rang softly like a bell; + He pointed out to me + Great harvest moons with russet light in them, + Pale moons to gleam where snows grow white in them, + Red moons for victory, + And steadfast moons for men in ships at sea. + + The man who came with many moons to sell + Opened his basket wide; + Showed me the filmy crescent moons in it, + And the piled discs (like silver spoons) in it + That push and pull the tide, + And small sweet honey-moons to give a bride. + + "This moon," he said, "you will remember well; + Its price is wealth untold;" + Took a camp-moon he vowed he stole for me + And softly wrapped to keep it whole for me. + I heaped his feet with gold; + He changed, and said the moon might not be sold. + + Then I was angry that with moons to sell + He thought he had the right + To keep that one. Those who were lent to us + Had written the brief notes they sent to us + When it shone out at night. + I caught it to my heart and held it tight. + + * * * * * + + "Twenty Students Require clean, respectable Board-Residence; would + not object to Share Bed."--_Provincial Paper._ + +They should have lived in the days of Og, the King of Basan; his +bedstead _was_ a bedstead. + + * * * * * + + "Calcutta. + + During the past few weeks several parties of Afghan merchants and + traders have settled up their affairs and come into India. In + order to avoid being questioned by British poets in the + Khyber, they have entered this country by way of the Sissobi + pass."--_Indian Paper._ + +Some of our poets are notoriously curious, and we are hardly surprised +to learn that the Afghans could not "abide their question." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COCK-AND-BULL STORY.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LANGUAGE DIFFICULTY. + +"The jolly part about an island where there are no towns and no +railways," said Willoughby, "is that you have thrills of excitement as +to where you will sleep next night or eat your next meal. Now when we +land at Lochrie Bay to-morrow it will be nearly lunch-time; but shall +we get lunch?" + +"I can answer that," replied MacFadden, whose grandfather was a +Scotsman, and who was once in Edinburgh for a week; "the map shows +it is only five miles to Waterfoot, and there's sure to be an hotel +there. Those little Scots inns are all right." + +"Yes," chimed in Sylvia, "and very likely there'll be nothing to eat +when we get there. I am thinking of you three men, of course," she +added hastily; "we girls don't want much." + +"As for me," said Willoughby, looking at Sylvia, whom he has adored +dumbly for years, "very little satisfies me. I'm like the fellow who +said, 'a crust of bread, a bottle of wine and you.' You know the chap, +MacFadden." + +"Isn't it wonderful how he remembers his OMAR?" remarked Mac +enthusiastically. + +"I don't know much poetry," said Willoughby, whose tastes are sporting +rather than literary, "but I always liked that bit." + +"But lunch," I interposed, "is the pressing question. There's sure to +be an hotel at Waterfoot, as you say. Send a telegram there, asking +for lunch for six. If there's no hotel, no reply and no lunch. If +there is we get our reply and our lunch. Willoughby can wire, because +he learned all about telegraphs in the army." + +Within two hours came the reply. I opened it. + +"Will supply luncheon for six, 1.15 to-day." + +"Can you remember what your wire said, Willoughby?" I asked mildly. + +"Rather. 'Can you provide luncheon for six at 1.15.--Willoughby.'" + +"Exactly. Can't you see, you silly ass, how you've muffed it? Read +this." Willoughby read, while Sylvia and Molly looked over and +giggled. + +"Hang it all! I suppose I ought to have said to-morrow," he sighed. +"Here, Thompson, you and Hilda, as the married couple of the party, +ought to deal with these beastly emergencies." + +"Not I," I replied. "You've got us in the muddle, now get us out. Wire +and say it's for to-morrow." + +"And then," said my practical wife, "we shall get to-day's hot lunch +cold to-morrow, and a rapacious Scotch-woman will charge us for it +twice over." + +"I wish you would say 'Scots,' not 'Scotch,'" complained MacFadden. + +"Sorry, Kiltie," rejoined Hilda; "and perhaps one of you two will deal +with the Scots woman." + +"Leave her to me and none of you interfere," answered MacFadden. +"Willoughby is no good at a job that needs tact. He's not half as +lovable as I am either. Is he, Molly? We'll send the wire at once. +Come on." + +Next day the steamer dropped us into the ferry-boat off Lochrie Bay, +and our bicycles, more frightened than hurt, but much shaken, were +hurled in after us. After five miles on a primitive road we arrived at +the hotel very late. + +MacFadden, assuring us that if we only kept quiet he would see us +through in spite of any Scots innkeeper, led the way. + +The landlady, a dour woman, appeared. + +"Good morning, Madam," began Mac politely. + +"Will you be Mr. Willoughby?" she replied. + +"No," said Mac truthfully, assuming a puzzled expression. + +"Weel, then," resumed the lady, addressing Sylvia, who happened to be +close behind, "will you be Mrs. Willoughby?" + +Molly sniggered; Sylvia reddened and answered hastily, "No, I won't!" +at which Willoughby sighed audibly. + +"What I wanted to ask you was whether perhaps you could be so kind +as to give us a bit of bread and cheese or something," said Mac +ingratiatingly. "Of course one doesn't expect a proper lunch in these +places without ordering it beforehand." + +"And those that order beforehand dinna come," she replied with some +asperity. "A pairty of six ordered for yesterday then they telegraphs +to say they mean to-day, and now they're no here and the time lang +gone by. I thocht ye were the pairty at first." + +"What a shame!" murmured MacFadden sympathetically. + +"Ay, if they had turned up they should hae had their lunch, and paid +for it too," said the good lady grimly. "Twa days they should hae paid +for. But if ye like ye can eat their lunch for them; it's cauld but +guid." + +So we ate heartily, paid reasonably and went away on good terms with +ourselves and the lady. + +Walking up the steep hill from the hotel I was just behind Willoughby +and Sylvia. He was pushing the two bicycles and explaining something +elaborately. + +"Awfully sorry about that silly woman, Sylvia," he said, "but it's +only their rotten way of talking English. You see, when she says, +'_Will_ you be Mrs. Willoughby?' she really means, '_Are_ you?' It's +not the same as when an Englishman says it. If I said, 'Will you be +Mrs. Willoughby?' that would be different; it would mean--" + +"Yes," interrupted Sylvia rather breathlessly, "that, Tommy dear, +would be plain English, to which I could give a plain answer. I should +say--" + +We had reached the brow of the hill. I mounted my bicycle and hurried +on. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN IN A GOOD MANY +SITUATIONS. HOW MANY MISTRESSES HAVE YOU HAD, ALL TOLD?" + +_Maid._ "FIFTEEN, ALL TOLD--AND ALL TOLD WHAT I THOUGHT OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + + "1,000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER." + + _Daily Paper._ + +A much worse case than that of LEAR'S old man with a beard, who said +it was just as he feared. + + * * * * * + + "For all we know, Helen of Troy's best friends might have said, + 'Helen has style and knows how to make the most of her good + points; but, honest, now, do you think she should have got the + apple?'" + + _Evening Paper._ + +Certainly not. That's why Paris gave it to Aphrodite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, +breaking long silence)._ "THERE--IT'S COME AT LAST! YOU'VE BEEN +TALKING ALL THIS TIME AND I AIN'T HEARD A SINGLE WORD." + +_Second Ancient._ "BAIN'T BIN TALKIN'--BIN CHEWIN'."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Really I think that _Rhoda Drake_ (MURRAY) must be the most +preposterously startling story that I have read for this age. It makes +you feel as if you had had a squib exploded under your chair at a +temperance meeting. After beginning placidly about persons who live in +South Kensington (and are so dull that the author has to fill up +with minute descriptions of their drawing-rooms), somewhere towards +three-quarters through its decorous course it plunges you head over +ears into such tearing melodrama as is comparable only to Episode 42 +of "The Adventures of the Blinking Eye" at a provincial cinema. I +am left asking myself in bewilderment whether Mr. C.H. DUDLEY +WARD, D.S.O., M.C., can have been serious in the affair. As I say, +practically all the early characters are of little or no account, +including _Rhoda_ herself. Indeed, nobody looks like mattering at all, +and the whole tale has, to be frank, taken on a somewhat soporific +aspect, when lo! there enters a lady with a Russian name, no back to +her gown and green face-powder. If I said of this paragon that she +made the story bounce I should still do less than justice to her +amazing personality. Really, she was a herald of revolution, whose +remarkable method was to invite anyone important and obstructive to +her house and make them discontented. It was the work of half-an-hour. +Whether the process was hypnotic, or whether she actually put pepper +in the ice-pudding, I could not clearly make out. But the dreadful +fact remained that, let your patriotism be ever so firm, you had but +to accept one of green-powder's little dinners and next morning you +were as like as not to hurl a stone into 10, Downing Street. As for +the end--! But no, I will stop short of it. + + * * * * * + +Frankly, what pleased me most about _Affinities_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) was its attractive get-up; pleasant, cherry-pie-coloured +boards, swathed in a very daintily-drawn pictorial wrapper, the whole, +as cataloguers say, forming an ideal birthday present for a young +lady, especially one at all apt to discover, however harmlessly, the +affinities that give these five tales their title. As for the stories +themselves, really all that need be said is to congratulate Mrs. MARY +ROBERTS RINEHART on the ingenuity with which she can tell what seems +an obvious intrigue yet keep a surprise in reserve. I suppose it is +because they come to us from America that certain of the episodes turn +upon incidents in the Suffrage struggle, tale-fodder that our own +militant novelists have long happily discarded. Of the others I think +I myself would award the palm to one called "The Family Friend," a +genially cynical little comedy of encouraged courtship, of which the +end seems to be visible from the beginning, but isn't. Altogether, +what I might call a Canute; in other words a book for the deck-chair, +not too absorbing to endanger your shoes, however close you read it to +the advancing wave. + + * * * * * + +I think I should best describe the characteristic quality of +_Four Blind Mice_ (LANE) as geniality. The scene of it is +Burmah--astonishing, when you consider the host of novels about the +rest of India, that so few should employ this equally picturesque +setting--and it is quickly apparent that what Mr. C.C. LOWIS doesn't +know at first hand about Rangoon is not likely to be missed. The +tale itself is a good-humoured little comedy of European and native +intrigue, showing how one section of the populace strove as usual to +ease the white man's burden by flirtation and gossip, and the other +to get the best for themselves by unlimited roguery and chicane. The +whole thing culminates in a trial scene which is at once a delightful +entertainment and (I should suppose) a shrewdly observed study of the +course of Anglo-Burmese justice. I think I would have chosen that Mr. +LOWIS should base his fun on something a little less grim than the +murder and mutilation of a European, or at least Eurasian, lady, even +though the very slight part in the action played by _Mrs. Rodrigues_, +when alive, could hardly be called sympathetic. Still we were all so +good-humoured over her taking-off that for a long time I cherished +a rather dream-like faith in her reappearance to prove that this +attitude had been justified. Not that Mr. LOWIS has not every right to +retort that he is writing comedy rather than farce; certainly he has +made his four blind mice to run in highly diverting fashion, very +entertaining to those of us who see how they run; and as they at +least save their tails triumphantly it would perhaps be ungenerous to +complain about one that doesn't. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Damsel._ "OH, PROFESSOR, CAN YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A +LOVE-POTION? MY MOTHER SAYS IF I WED NOT SOON I MUST E'EN GO FORTH TO +EARN MY LIVING." + +_Alchemist._ "THAT I CAN, MADAM, AND OF TWO KINDS. FIRST, THE +SLOW-WORKING PURPLE SORT IS VERILY CHEAP, BUT DIFFICULT OF +ADMINISTRATION; FOR IN WATER IT IS PLAINLY VISIBLE AND EASY OF +DISCERNMENT IN TEA. WHEREAS MY PATENT POTION, BRINGING LOVE AT FIRST +SIGHT, CLOSELY RESEMBLETH THE MUCH-DESIRED WHISKY. THIS SORT IS ONE +GUINEA PER TOT."] + + * * * * * + +_The Story of the Fourth Army in the Battles of the Hundred Days_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is printed on pages the size of a copy +of _Punch_, and with its accompanying case of maps it costs +eighteen-pence to go through the post. It boasts a hundred full-page +photographs, also sketches, charts, maps, panoramas and diagrams _ad +lib._, a foreword by General Lord RAWLINSON and ten appendices; so +really it seems that the much-abused word "sumptuous" may for once +be fairly applied. The author, Major-General Sir A. MONTGOMERY, who +himself helped to "stage" the battles he writes about, has built up a +record which is in some sense unique, for I think it is possible from +this book to trace precisely where any unit of the Fourth Army was +placed, and what doing, at any given hour during the whole of the +victory march from Amiens to the Belgian frontier. Apart from anything +else it is pleasant to have a book that deals only with the days of +victory; but it must be admitted that, to gain a completeness of +detail so entirely satisfactory to those most nearly concerned, the +writer has had to sacrifice something of human interest, for many of +his pages are little more than a bare chronicle of names and places. +Undoubtedly his book should be read with great deliberation, +constant reference to the maps and a lively recollection of personal +experiences on the spot; but the civilian reader may still be content +to skim the text and save himself for the photographs. These, mostly +taken from the air and of exquisite technical quality, form an amazing +series, in themselves worth the heavy price. And who minds heavy +prices when the proceeds are pledged to the service of wounded +officers? + + * * * * * + +"Rather an anti-climax," I thought when I opened _The Happy Foreigner_ +(HEINEMANN) and found that it purported to tell the experiences of an +English _chauffeuse_ in France after the Armistice; but I know now +that, in any place where ENID BAGNOLD happened to be, there would not +be any anti-climax about. In a style so daring and vivid that it +could only have been born, I suppose, of fast driving, the authoress +describes a romantic affair with a young French officer; but her real +theme is the suffering of France bowed down under the intolerable +burden of so many strangers, both enemies and friends. The rich and +well-fed Americans who will not trouble to understand, the grotesque +Chinamen and Annamites, the starving Russians liberated from the +Germans, flash by, with the ruins of villages, the tangle of wire and +litter of derelict guns; and even the romance, intensely felt though +it is, must be fleeting, like the rest of the nightmare, because the +Frenchman's eyes are set on the future and the rebuilding of his +fortunes. This book is not "about the War," but all the same it is one +of the best books about the War that I have read. + + * * * * * + +_From a Common Room Window_ (OWEN) will be a slight refreshment +to those who are weary of realistic studies of schoolmasters and +schoolboys. "ORBILIUS," during what I take to have been a long career +as a teacher, has not allowed his sense of humour to wither within +him. In a note to his slender volume of sketches he says, "School-life +is largely a comedy. When a schoolmaster ceases to recognise this it +is time for him to 'bundle and go.'" He has been in the main a keen +and sympathetic observer, and though his remarks upon headmasters are +a little severe--personally I should hate to be called "a meticulous +pedagogue"--I do not think that a little criticism of these potentates +will do them the smallest harm. In "The Castigator" "ORBILIUS" gives a +laughable sketch. The inventor of a flogging machine is soundly beaten +by his own instrument, and he would be a sombre man indeed who could +read it without a desire to witness such a chastening performance. +By no means the least merit of this book is that it contains no new +theories about education. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 15, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17654-8.txt or 17654-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/5/17654/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 15, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 31, 2006 [EBook #17654] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 159.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>September 15th, 1920.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p> +Prohibition meetings in Scotland, +says an official, have been attended by +fifty thousand people. We should not +have thought there were so many aliens +in Scotland.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +At an Oldbury wedding the other day +a brick was thrown at the bridegroom. +There is no excuse for this sort of thing +with confetti so cheap.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +One of the Pacific Islands, we read, +is so small that the House of Commons +could not be planted on it. A +great pity.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Do hotel chefs use cookery-books?" +asks a home journal. Our own opinion +is that quite a large +proportion of them cook +by ear.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Fourteen thousand +artificial teeth recently +stolen from premises in +East London have not +been recovered. While +not attempting to indicate +the guilty party, +we cannot refrain from +pointing out that several +Labour leaders have recently +been showing a +good many more teeth +than they were thought +entitled to possess.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +At the Trades Union +Congress a protest was +made against the Unemployment +Insurance +Act. This must not be +confused with the +miners' threat to strike. +That is merely a method of ensuring +unemployment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +The arrangement by which a hundred-and-fifty +amateur brass bands are to +play at the Crystal Palace on September +25th looks like an attempt to distract +us from the miners' strike fixed +for that day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +A Ramsgate man charged with shooting +a cat denied that he fired at it. The +animal is said to have dashed at the +bullet and impaled himself upon it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +It has been agreed, says a news item, +that milk shall be tenpence a quart +this winter. Not by us.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +The War Office announces that Arabs +in Southern Mesopotamia have captured +a British armoured train. It should be +pointed out to these Arab rebels that +it is such behaviour as this that discourages +the tourist spirit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Upon reading that another lady had +failed in her attempt to swim the +Channel a Scotsman inquires whether +the Cross-Channel steamer rates have +been increased, like everything else.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +We are informed that at a football +match recently played in the Rhondda +Valley the referee won.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +General <span class="sc">Obregon</span>, says an unofficial +message, has been elected President +of Mexico. The startling report that +he has decided to reverse the safe +policy of his predecessors and recognise +the United States requires corroboration.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Everybody should economise after a +great war, says an American film producer. +We always do our best after +every great war.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +According to an official report only +fifty policemen were bitten by dogs in +London last week. The falling off is +said to be due to the fact that it has +been rather a good year for young and +tender postmen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Some highly-strung persons, says a +medical writer, are even afraid of inanimate +objects. This accounts for many +nervous people being afraid of venturing +too near a plumber.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +"I only want the potatoes in the +allotment and not the earth," said a +complainant at Deptford. It is evident +that, if this man is a trade unionist, he +is a raw amateur.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Doctors at Vicenza have threatened +to strike. This means that people in +that neighbourhood will have to die +without medical assistance.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Chief Hailstorm," of the Texas +Rangers, has arrived in London. His +brother, Chief Rainstorm, has, of course, +been with us most of the summer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +Girls, declares a well-known City +caterer, are acquiring bigger appetites. +We somehow suspected that the demand +for a return of the wasp waist +had influential interests behind it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +The wife of a miner in Warwickshire +has recently presented her husband +with three baby boys. We understand +that Mr. <span class="sc">Smillie</span> is sorry to have missed +three extra strike-votes +which he would have +obtained had the boys +been born a little earlier.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +An extraordinary +story reaches us from +North London. It appears +that during the +building of a house a +brick slipped unnoticed +from a hod and fell into +its correct position, +with the result that the +accountant employed +by the bricklayers could +not balance his books +at the end of the day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> +<p> +"As science measures +time," declares an eminent +geologist, "the +Garden of Eden was a +thing of yesterday." +All we can say is, +"Where was Councillor +<span class="sc">Clark</span> yesterday?"</p> + + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/201.png"><img src="images/201-500.png" width="500" height="354" alt="You'll go back by the next train." /></a> + <p> +<i>Special Correspondent.</i> "<span class="sc">When they released me they said that if I +showed my face in Ireland again I should be shot.</span>"</p> +<p> +<i>Editor.</i> "<span class="sc">I'll let these Sinn Feiners see that I'm not to be intimidated. +You'll go back by the next train.</span>"</p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>"POLES OVER THE LINE."</h4> +<p class="author"> +<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> +<p> +So <i>that</i> accounts for the weather.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Whatever other defects may be alleged +against the scarlet uniform, it certainly makes +for two things—discipline and smartness—and +these two are very important factors in discipline."</p></blockquote> +<p class="author"> +<i>"Civil and Military Gazette," Lahore.</i></p> + +<p> +Especially the former.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"During the night, she [Mrs. Hamilton, the +Channel swimmer] said, 'I occasionally took +hot drinks and ate cold roast chicken, the +small bones of which I kept chewing, as it +seemed to assist me....'</p> +<p> +A strict vegetarian, Mrs. Hamilton will +sometimes swim five miles before dinner, and +skips for a few minutes every day."</p></blockquote> +<p class="author"> +<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + +<p> +She should skip the chicken if she +wants us to be excited about her strict +vegetarianism.</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + +<h3>DOGGEREL.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">To the Prime Minister's St. Bernard Pup</span>.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Ere your native country figured as the home of winter sport,</p> +<p>Paradise of spies and agents, and for kings a last resort;</p> +<p>Ere the hospitable chamois lent his haunts to Bolsh and Hun</p> +<p>Or the queue of rash toboggans took the curve of Cresta Run;</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Long before a locomotive climbed the Rigi, cog by cog,</p> +<p>Fame had mentioned your forefathers—such a noble breed of dog,</p> +<p>How they tracked the lonely traveller with their nimble, sleuthy snouts,</p> +<p>Till beneath a billowy snowdrift they remarked his whereabouts.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How they dug him out of cold-store like a Canterbury sheep,</p> +<p>Took their tongues and kindly licked him where his nose had gone to sleep,</p> +<p>Called attention to the cognac which they wore in little kegs</p> +<p>And remobilised the stagnant circulation in his legs.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How they lifted up their voices, baying like an iron bell,</p> +<p>Till the monks of good St. Bernard heard the same and ran like hell—</p> +<p>Ran and bore him to their hospice, where they put him into bed</p> +<p>And applied a holy posset stiff enough to wake the dead.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Heir to this superb tradition, born to such a pride of race,</p> +<p>From the doggy <i>flair</i> that tells you what a lineage you can trace</p> +<p>You will draw, I trust, a solace for the strange and alien scene</p> +<p>Where you undergo purgation in a stuffy quarantine.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Further, if a homesick feeling sets you itching in the scalp</p> +<p>With a wave of poignant longing for the odour of an Alp,</p> +<p>Let this thought (a thing of splendour) help to keep your pecker up—</p> +<p>You have had a high promotion; you are now a Premier's pup!</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You shall guard his sacred portals, you shall eat from off his plate,</p> +<p>Mix with private secretaries, move behind the veil of State,</p> +<p>And at Ministerial councils, as a special form of treat,</p> +<p>You shall sniff at <span class="sc">Winston's</span> trousers, you shall fondle <span class="sc">Curzon's</span> feet.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You may even serve your master as an expert, one who knows</p> +<p>All the rules regarding salvage in the Great St. Bernard snows,</p> +<p>Do him good by utilising your hereditary gift</p> +<p>To retrieve his Coalition from a constant state of drift.</p></div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i40">O.S.</p> +</div></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE PRODIGIES.</h3> +<p> +We—Great-aunts Emily and Louisa—had in our innocence +been telling a few old fairy stories at bedtime to those +three precocities whom our hosts call their children.</p> +<p> +We knew that they talked Latin and Greek in their sleep +and were too much for their parents in argument, but we +thought that at least, at the story hour——</p> +<p> +We were stopped by Drusilla. "I don't think much of +the moral of that one," she remarked. "It would seem to +illustrate the Evil Consequences of Benevolence!"</p> +<p> +"But she came alive again," said Evadne, the youngest, +in extenuation.</p> +<p> +"And the wolf was killed," we ventured in defence of +our old story.</p> +<p> +"Still," persisted Drusilla, "you couldn't call it encouraging."</p> +<p> +"Then in the other case," went on Claude thoughtfully, +"considering that she had been left in sole charge of the +house and had no business to go out and leave it to the +mercy of burglars, what moral are we to draw from the fact +that she married a Prince and lived happily ever afterwards?"</p> +<p> +"Most of them have that sort of moral," said Drusilla. +"And they are every one of them devoid of humour, except +of the most obvious kind—no subtlety."</p> +<p> +"When <i>I</i> was your age," said poor Louisa gently, "I +used to laugh very heartily over the adventures of <i>Tom +Thumb</i>."</p> +<p> +Claude seemed touched. "There are some capital situations +in certain of them," he conceded, "which might be +quite effectively treated."</p> +<p> +"How?" we asked weakly.</p> +<p> +It was Drusilla, the most alarming of the children, who +finally undertook to sketch us out an example.</p> +<p> +After a short meditation, "Something like this," she said. +"The situation, of course, you have met with before, but as +remodelled you might call it—</p> +<br /><br /> + +<h4>THE TRIUMPH OF VIRTUE;</h4> +<h4><span class="sc">or,</span></h4> +<h4><span class="sc">The Bad Fairy Foiled</span>.</h4> +<p> +A certain King and Queen had one daughter, to whose +christening they invited a large company, forgetting as +usual a particularly important and bad-tempered Fairy, who +signified her annoyance in the usual manner.</p> +<p> +The attendants of the little Princess (having read their +story-books) were preparing dolefully enough to fall asleep +for a hundred years, when the Fairy, with a contemptuous +sniff, remarked that the spell would not take effect for some +time yet.</p> +<p> +They breathed again and had almost forgotten the affair +by the time the Princess had grown up. But the Fairy had +so arranged it that the spell fell upon the Princess at the +time when she was engaged in making her choice of a +husband from among the suitors who had arrived at her +father's Court.</p> +<p> +The Princess was now bewitched in this way—that good +men appeared bad, ugly men handsome, and <i>vice versâ</i>. +The Fairy had hoped that she would thus make a mess of +her matrimonial affairs and live unhappily ever after.</p> +<p> +But she had reckoned without the disposition of the +Princess, a kind good girl with an overpowering sense of +duty. When pressed to choose, she replied firmly, "I will +have no other than Prince Felix."</p> +<p> +To her his ugliness seemed pathetic and his character +evidently needed reformation so urgently that she longed +to be at the job. No one wondered at her choice, for he +was, of course, the most handsome and excellent of men.</p> +<p> +Ultimately the Fairy broke her spell in a fit of exasperation, +but without any gratifying result. The Princess seemed +happier than ever and would sometimes say to a slightly +puzzled friend:—</p> +<p> +"Hasn't Felix improved <i>wonderfully</i> since I married +him?"</p> + + <hr /> +<blockquote><p> +"From 1910 to 1916 he was Viceroy in India, governing the +Dependency through very critical years and enjoying general esteem, +as was made clear in 1912, when an attempt was made to assassinate +him at Delhi."—"<i>Daily Mail" on Lord Hardinge</i>.</p></blockquote> +<p> +It sounds like a <i>succès d'estime</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"> +<a href="images/203.png"><img src="images/203-360.png" width="360" height="450" alt="The Public Benefactor." /></a> + +<h4>THE PUBLIC BENEFACTOR.</h4> +<p> +<span class="sc">Mr. Smillie</span>. "I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF YOUR PAYING SO MUCH FOR YOUR COAL. +I MUST PUT THAT RIGHT; I MUST SEE THAT YOU DON'T GET ANY."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/204.png"><img src="images/204-600.png" width="600" height="405" alt="I wonder if that's true" /></a> + +<p><i>First Tramp</i>. "<span class="sc">In this bit o' noospaper it says: 'The 'ole cause of the world's present disorder is the universal +spirit of unrest. I wonder if that's true</span>?"</p> +<p> +<i>Second Tramp</i>. "<span class="sc">I ain't noticed it</span>."</p></div> + + +<h3>THE COAL CUP.</h3> +<p> +It seems to me that we all take a +great deal of interest in the miners +when they strike, but not nearly enough +when they hew. And yet this business +of hacking large lumps of fuel out of a +hole, since civilisation really depends +on it, ought to be represented to us +from day to day as the beautiful and +thrilling thing that it really is. Yet if we +put aside for a moment Mr. <span class="sc">Smillie's</span> +present demands, we find the main topics +of discussion in the daily Press as I +write are roughly these:—</p> + +<ul> +<li> +(1) The prospects of League Football +and the Cup Ties.</li> +<li> +(2) Ireland.</li> +<li> +(3) The prevalence of deafness +amongst blue-eyed cats.</li> +<li> +(4) Mesopotamia.</li> +<li> +(5) The Fall of Man.</li> +<li> +(6) The sale of <i>The Daily Mail</i>, whose +circulation during the coming winter is +for some reason or other supposed to +be almost as important to the children +of England as their own.</li> +</ul> +<p> +Of all these topics the first is, of +course, by far the most absorbing, and +almost everyone has remarked how the +love of sport, for which Britons are +famous, is growing more passionate than +ever. It is not only cricket and football, +of course; only the other day +there was a shilling sweepstake on the +St. Leger in our office and, from what +I hear of the form of Westmorland in +the County Croquet Championship during +the past season—but I have no +time to discuss these things now.</p> +<p> +The point is that, whilst this excitement +over games grows greater and +greater, the country is suffering, say +the economists, from under-production +and the inflation of the wage-bill. This +means that everyone is trying to do +less work and get more money for it, +a very natural ambition which nobody +can blame the miners from sharing. I +suppose that if they all stopped mining +and we had to depend for warmth on +wrapping ourselves up in moleskins, +the molliers, or whatever they are called, +would strike for a two-shillings rise as +well.</p> +<p> +The worst of it is that under-production, +say the economists again (there is +no keeping anything from these smart +lads), sends prices up. Obviously then +there is only one thing to do: we must +take advantage of the prevailing passion +and make mining (and other industries +too for that matter) a form of sport. +The daily papers should find very little +difficulty in doing this.</p> + +<h5> +WHO HEWS HARDEST?<br /> +CLAIM BY A LANARKSHIRE COLLIER</h5> + +<p> +would do very well for the headings of +a preliminary article; and the claim of +the Lanarkshire collier would, I am +sure, be instantly challenged. After a +few letters we might have a suggestion, +say from Wales, that no team of eleven +miners could hew so hard and so much +as a Welsh one. And from that it +would be only a short step to the formation +of district league competitions +and an international championship. +Or the old-time system under which +cricketers were matched for a stake by +sporting patrons might be revived, and +we should have headlines in the evening +Press after this fashion:—</p> + +<h5> +HUGE HEWING CONTEST.<br /> +NOTTS FOREST v. NEWCASTLE UNITED.<br /> +TREMENDOUS WAGER BETWEEN<br /> +THE DUKES OF PORTLAND AND<br /> +NORTHUMBERLAND</h5> + +<p> +and all the glades of Sherwood and the +banks where the wild Tyne flows would +be glad.</p> +<p> +It will be objected, of course, that the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> +hewing of coal is not a spectacular +affair. You cannot pack sixty thousand +spectators into a mine to watch a hewing +match, and even if you could the +lighting is bad; but that is just where +the skill of the reporters would come +in. After all, we do not most of us see +the races on which we bet, nor the Golf +Championship, nor even <span class="sc">Beckett</span> and +<span class="sc">Wells.</span> But there would be articles +on the correct swing whilst hewing, and +the proper stance, and how far the toes +should be turned in; the chances of +every team would be discussed; the +current odds would be quoted, and, whoever +won, the consumer would score, +whilst the strongest hewers would become +popular heroes and be photographed +on the back-page standing +beside their hews.</p> +<p> +I admit that the South of England +and London in particular would have +very little share in these competitions, +and we should depend for local interest +mainly upon the promising young colts +from the Kentish nurseries. But we +could find out from our dealers where +our coals came from and follow from afar +the fortunes of our adopted teams; and +Cabinet Ministers, at any rate, could +distribute their patronage and their +presence with tact over the various +areas involved.</p> + +<h5> +MR. BALFOUR HEWS OFF AT<br /> +DURHAM</h5> + +<p> +is another headline which seems to +suggest itself, and I should strongly +urge the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, who has returned, +I hear, with a St. Bernard from +the Alps, to lose no time in selecting a +more appropriate playmate.</p> + +<h5> +PREMIER AT TONYPANDY.<br /> +MR. LLOYD GEORGE PATS PET<br /> +PIT-PONY +</h5> +<p> +is the kind of thing I mean, and very +hard also to say six times quickly without +making a mistake.</p> +<p> +Obviously the result of all this would +be that not only would the miners be +justified in asking for more money, but +that the country would be able to afford +it; and similar competitive leagues, to +supersede trade unions, would soon be +formed by other trades. One seems +to hear faintly the loud plaudits of the +onlookers as two crack teams of West-end +road-menders step smartly into the +arena....</p> +<p class="author"> +<span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + + <hr /> + +<h4>Our Bolshevik Colonies.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Married Shepherd, used hilly country and +all farm and station work, desires Situation; +wife would cook one or two men."</p> +</blockquote> +<p class="author"> + "<i>The Press," Christchurch, N.Z</i>.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Miss ——, a soubrette, whose songs lean +towards the voluptuous, sank 'Somebody's +Baby.' Her encore number, 'You'd be Surprised,' +was even more so."</p> +</blockquote> +<p class="author"> + "<i>The Dominion," Wellington, N.Z</i>.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"> +<a href="images/205.png"><img src="images/205-349.png" width="349" height="450" alt="Woodland Sprite (from Stepney, to eminent botanist)." /></a> + +<p><i>Woodland Sprite (from Stepney, to eminent botanist).</i> <span class="sc">"Please, Mister, Maggie +wants to know what you charge for taking twins?"</span></p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE PASSING OF THE CRADLE.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +[According to a report which recently appeared +in a daily paper, cradles for infants are +becoming a thing of the past.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Snug retreat for mother's treasure,</p> + <p class="i2">Shall I pine as I repeat</p> +<p>Rumour's strange report, which says you're</p> + <p class="i2">Virtually obsolete?</p> +<p>Shall these lips a doleful lyric</p> + <p class="i2">Proffer at your ghostly bier,</p> +<p>Or compose a panegyric</p> + <p class="i2">Moistened with a minstrel's tear?</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Me the theme leaves too unshaken,</p> + <p class="i2">Though "some" father more or less;</p> +<p>Better 'twere if undertaken</p> + <p class="i2">By my wife (a poetess);</p> +<p>And, if I be asked, Why vainly</p> + <p class="i2">Occupy, then, so much space?</p> +<p>My concern, I'll say, is mainly</p> + <p class="i2">With the woman in the case.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For, when she and you shall sever</p> + <p class="i2">(Though 'tis early yet to crow),</p> +<p>Your departure may for ever</p> + <p class="i2">Lay her proudest triumph low;</p> +<p>Yes, while men (I'm much afraid) 'll</p> + <p class="i2">Round her fingers still be twirled,</p> +<p>If her hand can't rock a cradle</p> + <p class="i2">It may cease to boss the world.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Irate Householders, why be swindled in a +clumsy manner? Fetch your second-hand +clothing to me and be done in the most +approved style."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<h4><span class="sc"><b>"More Literary Heredity.</b></span></h4> + +<blockquote><p> +Fresh literary fame seems to be pending for +the Maurice Hewlett family circle.</p> +<p> +Mr. Robin Richards, the son-in-law of the +famous novelist, is about to appeal to fiction +readers with his first novel."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p> +No more of the old-fashioned <span class="sc">Darwin</span> +and <span class="sc">Galton</span> nonsense about fathers +and children.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + +<h3>SEVEN WHITEBAIT.</h3> +<p> +Here and there in the drab routine +of modern existence it is still possible to +catch an occasional glimpse of romance +and courageous living, and in the +volume which lies before us as we +write we are given a generous measure +of peril and adventure in faery seas +forlorn. <i>From Whitebait to Kipper: +The Story of Seven Lives</i>, is the vivid +record of a family of herrings, set down +(posthumously, it would seem) with refreshing +simplicity by Walter Herring, +the youngest and perhaps the most brilliant +of the family. The story begins +with the early childhood of Walter, +John, Isabel, Margaret, Rupert, Stéphanie +and little Foch, the last of whom +was so named because he was born on +the anniversary of the Armistice. (As +a matter of fact they were all born on +the same day, but for some reason which +is not explained only one of them was +called Foch.)</p> +<p> +You, reader, are one of those ignorant +people who do so much discredit to our +Public Schools. You fondly think that +the whitebait is a special kind of fish, +that there are father whitebaits and +mother whitebaits and baby whitebaits. +You are wrong. There are only baby +whitebaits. At least there are baby +herrings and baby pilchards, and these +are called whitebait because they are +eaten by the mackerel and because +they look white when they are swimming +upside down.</p> +<p> +Anyhow Walter and John and Isabel +and Margaret and Rupert and Stéphanie +and little Foch began life as whitebait. +They used to charge about the Cornish +seas with whole platefuls of other whitebait, +millions of them, and wherever they +went they were pursued by thousands +of mackerel, who wanted to eat them. +One day John felt that the moment was +very near when he would be eaten by +a mackerel, and he was quite right. +Isabel felt the same thing, but she was +wrong. She jumped out of the water +and was eaten by a sea-gull. When +the fishermen saw Isabel leaping into +the air they came out and caught the +mackerel in a net. They also caught +Margaret with a lot of other whitebait; +and she was eaten by a barrister at +"Claridge's."</p> +<p> +There were now four of the family +who had not been eaten by anyone. It +is extraordinary when you come to +think of it that any herring ever contrives +to reach maturity at all. What +with the mackerel and the seagulls and +the barristers, everybody seems to be +against it. However, Walter, Rupert +and Foch succeeded. Stéphanie just +missed. Walter and Rupert and Foch +had jolly soft roes, a fact which is +recorded in a cynical little poem by the +precocious Foch, believed to be the +only literary work of a whitebait now +extant. We have only space here to +quote the opening couplet:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The herrings with the nice soft rows</p> +<p>Are gentlemen; the rest are does.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p> +The survivors of the family had now +to choose a career. From the beginning +it seems to have been recognised that +Stéphanie at least would have to be content +with a humbler sphere than her +more gifted brothers. She had a hard +roe and was rather looked down upon. +But she was an independent little thing +and her pride revolted at a life of subjection +at home; so while still a girl she +went off on her own and got mixed up +with some pilchards who were just being +caught in a net. Stéphanie was caught +too and became a sardine. She was +carefully oiled and put in a tin, and she +was eaten at a picnic near Hampton +Court. But there is every reason to +suppose that she was eaten happy, +since in those less exacting circles +nobody seemed to mind about her hard +roe, which had been a perpetual bugbear +to her in the herring world.</p> +<p> +Meanwhile the remaining three had +decided on a career. They were determined +to be fresh herrings. This is +of course the highest ambition of all +herrings, though sadly few succeed in +attaining it. One herring in his time +plays many parts (<span class="sc">Shakespeare</span>); he +can seldom say with confidence what +exactly he will be to-morrow; but he +can be fairly certain that it won't be a +fresh herring. Of our three survivors +Rupert alone was to win the coveted +distinction. He grew to be a fine boy +and was eaten at Hammersmith, where +his plump but delicate roe gave the +greatest satisfaction. It was not eaten +in the ordinary humdrum way, but was +thickly spread on a piece of buttered +toast, generously peppered, and <i>devoured</i>. +And when his "wish" was placed on +the kitchen-range, swelled rapidly and +burst with a loud report, his cup of +happiness was full.</p> +<p> +Little Foch, alas, failed to fulfil his +youthful promise and became a common +bloater. Worse than that, he was +bloated too thoroughly and was almost +impossible to eat. Even his lovely roe, +the pride of his heart, became so salt +that the Rector of Chitlings finally rejected +it with ignominy, though not +before he had consumed so much of it +that he had to drink the whole of his +sermon-water before he began to preach.</p> +<p> +But it was Walter, Walter the +chronicler, Walter the clever, the +daring, the ambitious, leader in every +escapade, adviser in every difficulty, +who was to suffer the crowning humiliation. +Walter became a kipper. If +there is one thing that a herring cannot +stand it is to be separated from his roe. +Walter's roe was ruthlessly torn from +him and served up separate on toast, +with nothing to show that it was the +glorious roe of Walter. It was eaten +at the Criterion by a stockbroker, and +it might have been anybody's roe. +Meanwhile the mutilated frame, the +empty shell of Walter, was squashed +flat in a wooden box with a mass of +others and sold at an auction by the +pound. It broke his heart.</p> +<p class="author"> +A.P.H.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Lady's Slipper.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Country gossips, nodding slow</p> +<p>When the fire is burning low,</p> +<p>Or chatting round about the well</p> +<p>On the green at Ashlins Dell,</p> +<p>With many a timid backward glance</p> +<p>And fingers crossed and eyes askance,</p> +<p>Still tell about the Midmas Day</p> +<p>When Marget Malherb went away.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"After Midmas Day shall break,</p> +<p>Maidens, neither brew nor bake;</p> +<p>See your house be sanded clean;</p> +<p>Wear no stitch of fairy green;</p> +<p>Go barefoot; wear nor hose nor shoon</p> +<p>From rise of sun to rise of moon;</p> +<p>For the Good People watch and wait</p> +<p>Waiting early, watching late,</p> +<p>For foolish maids who treat with scorn</p> +<p>The mystic rites of Midmas Morn."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Marget Malherb tossed her head,</p> +<p>"I fear no fairies' charms," she said—</p> +<p>For she'd new slippers she would wear</p> +<p>To show her lad the pretty pair,</p> +<p>Soft green leather, buckled red—</p> +<p>"I fear no fairies' charms," she said.</p> +<p>She drew them on and laughed in scorn,</p> +<p>And out she danced on Midmas Morn.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Nevermore was Marget seen;</p> +<p>But when her lover sought the green</p> +<p>A Fairy Ring was all he found—</p> +<p>A Fairy Ring on the weeping ground;</p> +<p>And by the hedge a flower grew,</p> +<p>Long and slender, filled with dew,</p> +<p>Green and pointed, ribboned red;</p> +<p>And still you'll find them as I've said.</p> +<p>And Marget comes, so gossips say,</p> +<p>To wear her shoes on Midmas Day.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>The Gladiatorial Spirit.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Crossbie would have done better to have +shot himself, but he gave the ball to his +partner."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + + <hr /> + + +<h4>"MILK PRICES UP.</h4> +<h5>HIGHER CHARGE TO MEET THE COST OF PETROL."</h5> + +<p class="author"> + <i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +<p> +We always thought it was water that +they used.</p> +<br /><br /> + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"> +<a href="images/207.png"><img src="images/207-360.png" width="360" height="450" alt="The Persuasive Power of Beauty in Art." /></a> + +<h4>THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF BEAUTY IN ART.</h4></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 320px;"> +<a href="images/208.png"><img src="images/208-316.png" width="316" height="450" alt="'Ere, not so much of the ca-canny." /></a> + +<p> +<i>Bored Spectator</i>. "<span class="sc">'Ere, not so much of the ca-canny.</span>"</p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS.</h3> + +<p> +It is without doubt the most expensive +hotel on the front, and the palatial +dining-room in which we have just +lunched is furnished and decorated in +that sumptuously luxurious style to +which only wealth, untrammelled by art, +is able to attain. Personally I cannot +afford to take my meals at such places, +and I know that the same holds good +of my fellow-guest, Charteris. Charteris +was the best scholar of our year at +Oriel, and since his demobilisation he +and his wife have been living in two +rooms, except during the periods +when their son joins them for +his holidays from Winchester. +But our host is still possessed +of an obstinate wealth which +even the War has done little to +diminish, and, as he himself puts +it, is really grateful to those of +his old friends who will help +him in public to support the +ignominy.</p> +<p> +At the moment, having finished +lunch, we have betaken ourselves +to wicker-chairs in the porch, +and Charteris and our host being +deep in a golf discussion I venture +once more to turn a covert +attention to the exceedingly +splendid couple who have just +followed us out from the dining-room. +I noticed them first on +my arrival, when they were just +getting out of their Rolls-Royce, +and the admiration which I +then conceived for them was +even further enhanced during +lunch by a near view of the +lady's diamonds and of the +Cinquevalli-like dexterity shown +by her husband in balancing a +full load of peas on the concave +side of a fork. At present the +man, somewhat flushed with +champagne, is smoking an enormous +cigar with a red-and-gold +band round it, while the lady, her diamonds +flashing in the sunshine, leans +back in her chair and regards with +supercilious eyes the holiday crowds +that throng the pavement below.</p> +<p> +Following her glance my attention is +suddenly arrested by the strange behaviour +of two passers-by, who have +stopped in the middle of the pavement +and, after exchanging some excited comments, +are staring fixedly towards us. +From their appearance they would seem +to be a typical husband and wife of the +working-class on holiday, and it occurs +to me that, given the clothes and the +diamonds, they might well be occupying +the wicker-chairs of the couple opposite. +Evidently the sight of somebody +or something in the hotel porch +has excited them greatly, for they continue +to stare up at us with a hostile +concentration that renders them quite +unconscious of the frantic efforts of +the small child who accompanies them +to tug them towards the beach. After +a moment they exchange a few more +quick words, and the man leaves his +companion and makes his way towards +us. Ascending the hotel steps with an +air of great determination he comes to +a halt before the couple opposite.</p> +<p> +"'Ere, I've bin lookin' for you," he +begins accusingly.</p> +<p> +The Rolls-Royce owner takes the +cigar from his mouth and gazes in astonishment +at the accusing apparition +before him.</p> +<p> +"A hour ago," pursues the newcomer +relentlessly, "you was driving along +the front here in the whackin' great car. +It ain't no good denyin' it, 'cos I took +the number."</p> +<p> +"What d'ye mean—denying it?" exclaims +Rolls-Royce. "Who's denying +anythink?"</p> +<p> +"It ain't no good tryin' to deny it," +retorts the other. "An' it ain't no good +denyin' wot you did neether, 'cos I've +got my missus 'ere to prove it."</p> +<p> +"What I did?" echoes the astonished +man. "What did I do?"</p> +<p> +"Ran over my child's b'loon," states +the accuser, fixing him with a pitiless +eye. For the moment the object of +this serious charge is too taken aback +to be capable of speech.</p> +<p> +"'Ran over my child's b'loon,'" repeats +the other inexorably. "Leastways +your chauffer did. An' when we 'ollered +out to yer to stop you just rushed on +like a runaway railway-train."</p> +<p> +Rolls-Royce, conscious of the curious +gaze of the entire company, pulls himself +together and regards his accuser +unfavourably.</p> +<p> +"First I've 'eard of it," he growls. +"Where was the balloon anyway? In +the road, I s'pose?"</p> +<p> +"Yes, it <i>was</i> in the road," +retorts the other defiantly, +"where it's got every right to +be. Road's there for the convenience +of b'loon-fliers just as +much as for motor-cars. More."</p> +<p> +"Look 'ere, that's enough of +it," says the car-owner harshly. +"If the balloon got run over +it's yer own fault for letting it +go in the road."</p> +<p> +"That's a nice way to talk," +suddenly comes in shrill tones +from the woman below, who +has edged her way to the foot +of the steps. "We don't go +buyin' balloons for you to run +over in yer cars. We're respectable +people, we are, an' we work +for our livin'."</p> +<p> +"Drivin' about in a car like +an express train, runnin' over +other people's b'loons," corroborates +her husband bitterly. +"Wot country d'yer think yer +in? Prussia?</p> +<p> +By this time a small crowd +has gathered on the pavement +and is gazing up at the protagonists +with ghoulish interest. +The lady in the diamonds, a +prey to mingled indignation and +alarm, has leant towards her +spouse and is whispering to him +urgently, but he shakes her off +with an impatient movement.</p> +<p> +"Not on yer life," he snaps. "They +won't get a cent out o' me."</p> +<p> +"Ho, won't we!" exclaims his accuser +hotly. "We'll soon see about that. +We're English people, we are—we +don't allow people to go about destroyin' +our b'loons."</p> +<p> +"No wonder they're so rich," cries +the woman at the bottom of the steps +in satirical tones. "That's the way +to get rich, that is—destroyin' other +people's prop'ty an' then refusin' to +pay for it. Anybody could get rich +that way."</p> +<p> +Reflections on the feasibility of this +novel financial scheme are cut short by +the appearance at the top of the steps +of the hotel porter, who touches the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> +originator of the disturbance on the +shoulder.</p> +<p> +"Come on, you're not allowed up +'ere, you know," he observes.</p> +<p> +"Ho, ain't I?" retorts the man defiantly. +"Is this Buckingham Pallis?"</p> +<p> +"You can't come up 'ere unless you've +got business in the 'otel," states the +porter unmoved.</p> +<p> +"So I 'ave got bisness 'ere," declares +the other. "Bisness c'nected with my +son's b'loon."</p> +<p> +"An' we don't leave 'ere till it's +settled, neither," cries the lady on the +pavement. "'Alf-a-crown that balloon +cost, an' we don't budge from 'ere till +we get it."</p> +<p> +This is altogether too much for the +owner of the Rolls-Royce.</p> +<p> +"'Alf-a-crown?" he explodes and +turns indignantly to the company. +"'Alf-a-crown for a child's balloon, and +<i>then</i> they go on strike."</p> +<p> +Derisive cheers and counter-cheers +go up from the crowd below as the +incensed balloon-owner bursts forth +into an impassioned defence of his inalienable +right as a free-born Briton to +strike or to buy half-crown balloons as +the spirit moves him. Simultaneously +the lady in the diamonds rises and, +producing a coin from her gold bag, +holds it with a superb gesture at arm's +length beneath his nose. For a moment +or two he pays no attention to her, +then takes the coin impatiently with +the air of one brushing aside an irritating +interruption and continues his +harangue.</p> +<p> +"Come on," puts in the porter; +"you've got yer 'alf-crown. S'pose +you move on."</p> +<p> +"Got me 'alf-crown, 'ave I'?" he +retorts. "Wot about my rights as a +man? Does 'alf-a-crown buy them?"</p> +<p> +No one venturing to solve this social +problem he turns slowly and, glaring +over his shoulder at Rolls-Royce, descends +the steps.</p> +<p> +"I'm an Englishman, I am," he concludes +from the pavement. "No one +can't close my mouth with 'alf-crowns."</p> +<p> +For a brief space he stands scowling +up at the porch as though challenging +all and sundry to perform this feat, +then, taking his wife by the arm, moves +off with her and the still insistent +child towards the beach. The crowd +on the pavement, regretfully convinced +that the entertainment is at an end, +disperses slowly. Rolls-Royce, seemingly +unconscious of the interest of +Charteris and our host, who are looking +at him covertly as at some zoological +specimen, relights his cigar and sits +glowering across the road, and silence +falls upon the scene—a silence broken +at last by the lady in the diamonds, +who has resumed her languid pose in +the wicker-chair.</p> +<p> +"'Orrible people!" she observes, addressing +the occupants of the porch +generally. "Nice state o' things when +you can't even be safe from 'em in yer +own 'otel. You don't seem to be able +to get away from these low-class people +hanywhere—you don't reely!"</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/209.png"><img src="images/209-600.png" width="600" height="411" alt="Why the deuce don't you sit still? You'll have us over in a minute." /></a> + +<p><i>Energetic Motor-Cyclist.</i> "<span class="sc">Why the deuce don't you sit still? You'll have us over in a minute.</span>"</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>40-1920 A.D.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Caligula</span> the man (quite mad, of course)</p> +<p>Conferred the consulship upon his horse.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Caligula the colt (a trifle saner)</p> +<p>Makes kings of jockey, purchaser and trainer.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Sanity counts; I raise my cup of massic</p> +<p>Not to the earlier but the later "classic."</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>Journalistic Modesty.</h4> +<blockquote><p> +"I was his [Irving's] guest regularly at all +Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a +century.... He delighted in the company +of third-rate people."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>C.K.S. in "The Sphere."</i></p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px"> +<a href="images/210.png"><img src="images/210-600.png" width="600" height="395" alt="Gladys, what did you do with the bacon we set aside for poisoning the rats?" /></a> + +<p><i>The Master.</i> "<span class="sc">Tcha! This bacon tastes simply beastly.</span>"</p> +<p> +<i>The Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">Gladys, what did you do with the bacon we set aside for poisoning the rats?</span>"</p> +</div> + <hr /> + +<h3>FASHION AND PHYSIQUE.</h3> +<p> +The heightened stature of women was +a favourite topic in anthropometric +circles long before the War. It seems, +however, that they are not going to +rest content with their present standard +of altitude, but are invoking the resources +of Art to render it even more +conspicuous. We do not speak rashly +or without book. <i>The Evening News</i> +announced on September 8th that +"Women are to be taller this autumn." +Nature may be in the Fall, but women +are on the rise. The mode by which +this effect of elongation—so dear to +Art—is to be attained is described in +detail by the Paris correspondent of +our contemporary as follows:—</p> +<p> +"A fluffy and very high head-dress +will be worn this autumn. The effect is +obtained by the aid of pads, and adds +some inches to a woman's stature.... +Another type of coiffure is being adopted +by some hairdressers, who leave the +hair flat and smooth round the face, +and only make a sort of bird's-nest of +the ends, which stand well up so as to +lengthen the profile in an upward +direction."</p> +<p> +Nothing, however, is said about the +relation of fashion to the physique of the +sterner sex. To correct this omission +Mr. Punch has interviewed a number +of West-End tailors, hatters, hosiers +and bootmakers. The results of this +inquiry may be briefly summarised.</p> +<p> +Heads are to be larger this autumn, +and to keep pace with the extraordinary +development of brain amongst our insurgent +youth, as evidenced by the +correspondence in <i>The Morning Post</i>, +it has been found necessary to make +a radical change in the stock sizes of +hats. But, where there has been no +cranial distension, provision will be +made to remedy the defect by the insertion +of a cork sheath, by the aid of +which a head of undersized circumference +will be able to wear a No. 8 +hat. Again, to meet the needs of customers +in whom the temperature of +the cranial region is habitually high, a +hat has been devised with a vacuum +lining for the insertion of cold water. +The "Beverley" nickel-plated refrigerating +helmet, as it is called, has already +found a large sale amongst Balliol +undergraduates.</p> +<p> +As a result of the revival of the "Apes +<i>v.</i> Angels" controversy, in which Canon +<span class="sc">Barnes</span> has taken so prominent a part, +and Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span> has declared himself +as a whole-hearted supporter of +<span class="sc">Darwin</span> (<i>vide</i> his article in <i>The Sunday +Pictorial</i>), hands will be supple and +boneless this autumn, as in fashionable +portraits. This reversion to the prehensile +type of hand, so noticeable in +the chimpanzee, has its drawbacks, +and the rigidity necessary for certain +manual functions, such as winding up +a motor or opening a champagne bottle, +will be furnished by gloves of a stiffer +and stronger fabric, ranging from simulation +leatherette to chain-mail.</p> +<p> +Owing to the continued over-crowding +of trains, tubes and motor-buses, +elbows will be more prominent and +aggressive than ever, and tailors are +building a type of coat calculated to +relieve the strain on this useful joint +by a system of progressive padding, +soft inside but resembling a nutmeg-grater +at the point of contact with the +enemy.</p> +<p> +It only remains to be added that in +consequence of the publication of the +Jewish Protocol and other documents +pointing to revolutionary and anarchical +Semitic activities, noses will be worn +straighter and <i>à la Grecque</i>, and for +similar reasons feet will be shorter and +with more uplift in the instep.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h4>A Hot Spell.</h4> +<p> +From a story for boys:—</p> +<blockquote><p> +"The heat was so intense that we were +perspiring from every paw."</p> +</blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 385px"> +<a href="images/211.png"><img src="images/211-383.png" width="383" height="450" alt="Snowed Under" /></a> + +<h3>SNOWED UNDER.</h3> +<p> +<span class="sc">The St. Bernard Pup</span> (<i>to his Master</i>). "THIS SITUATION APPEALS TO MY HEREDITARY +INSTINCTS. SHALL I COME TO THE RESCUE?"</p> + +<h5><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Before leaving Switzerland Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> purchased a St. Bernard pup.]</span></h5> +</div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/213.png"><img src="images/213-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="This is rather jolly. What a relief it is to get amongst the real jagged stuff." /></a> + +<p><i>Futurist to Brother Brush (after along country walk in search +of a subject).</i> <span class="sc">"This is rather jolly. What a relief it is to +get amongst the real jagged stuff."</span></p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE ROCK, SCILLY.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I,</p> + <p class="i2">"'Tis a mighty queer place to be building a home</p> + <p class="i2">In the teeth of the gales and the wash of the foam,</p> +<p>With nothing in view but the sea and the sky;</p> +<p>It cannot be cheerful or healthy or dry.</p> + <p class="i2">Why don't you go inland and rent a snug house,</p> + <p class="i2">With fowls in the garden and blossoming boughs,</p> +<p>Old woman, old woman, old woman?" said I.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"A garden have I at my hand</p> + <p class="i4">Beneath the green swell,</p> + <p class="i2">With pathways of glimmering sand</p> + <p class="i4">And borders of shell.</p> + <p class="i2">There twinkle the star-fish and there</p> + <p class="i4">Red jellies unfold;</p> + <p class="i2">The weed-banners ripple and flare</p> + <p class="i4">All purple and gold.</p> + <p class="i2">And have I no poultry? Oh, come</p> + <p class="i4">When the Equinox lulls;</p> + <p class="i2">The air is a-flash and a-hum</p> + <p class="i4">With the tumult of gulls;</p> + <p class="i2">They whirl in a shimmering cloud</p> + <p class="i4">Sun-bright on the breeze;</p> + <p class="i2">They perch on my chimneys and crowd</p> + <p class="i4">To nest at my knees,</p> +<p>And set their dun chickens to rock on the motherly</p> + <p class="i4">Lap of the seas."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I,</p> + <p class="i2">"It sounds very well, but it cannot be right;</p> + <p class="i2">This must be a desolate spot of a night,</p> +<p>With nothing to hear but the guillemot's cry,</p> +<p>The sob of the surf and the wind soughing by.</p> + <p class="i2">Go inland and get you a cat for your knee</p> + <p class="i2">And gather your gossips for scandal and tea,</p> +<p>Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"No amber-eyed tabby may laze</p> + <p class="i4">And purr at my feet,</p> + <p class="i2">But here in the blue summer days</p> + <p class="i4">The seal-people meet.</p> + <p class="i2">They bask on my ledges and romp</p> + <p class="i4">In the swirl of the tides,</p> + <p class="i2">Old bulls in their whiskers and pomp</p> + <p class="i4">And sleek little brides.</p> + <p class="i2">Yet others come visiting me</p> + <p class="i4">Than grey seal or bird;</p> + <p class="i2">Men come in the night from the sea</p> + <p class="i4">And utter no word.</p> + <p class="i2">Wet weed clings to bosom and hair;</p> + <p class="i4">Their faces are drawn;</p> + <p class="i2">They crouch by the embers and stare</p> + <p class="i4">And go with the dawn</p> +<p>To sleep in my garden, the swell flowing over them</p> + <p class="i4">Like a green lawn."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i16"><span class="sc">Patlander.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>Labour Leaders on the Links.</h4> +<p> +Under a photograph in a London +evening paper runs the following +legend:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. John Hodge and another official of the +Iron and Steel Founders Union enjoy a game +of golf after the Trade Union Congress at +Portsmouth adjourns for the day. Our picture +shows Mr. John Hodge Putting."</p> +</blockquote> +<p> +Some idea of the forceful and unconventional +methods of our Labour leaders +may be gathered from the attitude of +Mr. <span class="sc">John Hodge</span>, whose club is raised +well over his shoulder.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/214.png"><img src="images/214-500.png" width="500" height="365" alt="Sorr, I object to Mr. Clancy servin' on the jury." /></a> + +<p><i>Prisoner.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorr, I object to Mr. Clancy servin' on the jury.</span>"</p> +<p> +<i>Mr. Clancy.</i> "<span class="sc">Bedad, an' for why, Michael? I'm <i>for</i> yez!</span>"</p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>THE TAXATION OF VIRTUE.</h3> +<p> +"I shall wait," said Peter, "till they +send me the final notice."</p> +<p> +"Being his wife," said Hilda to me, +"I am in a position to know that he +will not. In another week he will pay, +saying that the thought of income-tax +has affected his nerves and that he can +bear it no longer. He wobbles like this +for six weeks twice a year, and meanwhile +his family starves."</p> +<p> +"Under our system of taxation," Peter +retorted, "the innocent must suffer."</p> +<p> +"It falls alike on the just and the +unjust," I interposed. "How else would +you have it?"</p> +<p> +"Naturally I would have it fall on +the unjust alone," he replied.</p> +<p> +"Why not on the just alone?" I +asked, suddenly aware of the birth of +an idea.</p> +<p> +"Of course you want exemption."</p> +<p> +"You miss my point. You grant that +taxation is necessary?"</p> +<p> +"For the sake of argument," said +Peter, "I grant that, with reservations."</p> +<p> +"Since then there must be taxes, why +not have taxes that it would be a pleasure +to pay? The current taxes are +not a pleasure to pay."</p> +<p> +"I grant that," said Peter, "without +reservations."</p> +<p> +"Now there is only one sort of tax +that I can imagine anybody paying +gladly, and that would be a tax on his +virtues."</p> +<p> +"Still hankering after your own exemption," +growled Peter.</p> +<p> +"Leave me out of account. Take, by +preference, yourself. You have virtues +and are proud of them."</p> +<p> +Hilda intervened, as I had anticipated. +"The pride is admitted," said she, "but +as for the assessment value of the +virtues——"</p> +<p> +"Never mind that. You are proud of +your virtues"—I turned to Peter again—"yet +you are sometimes troubled, +like the rest of us, by a fear that you +may not really possess them after all. +But the assessment of your virtues by +the Board of Inland Revenue would +prove their existence to yourself and to +all the world."</p> +<p> +"Except his wife," said Hilda.</p> +<p> +"Her evidence would not be accepted. +If you had paid taxation for the possession +of a virtue, the receipt would be +a guarantee that you did possess that +particular virtue, and it would consequently +be a source of profound moral +satisfaction to you. You would pay +with pleasure. Besides, it is a poor +kind of virtue that will not abide a +test. The tax would be a test. Suppose +that five pounds was levied upon +you for honesty. If you refused to pay +how could you ever again claim to be +honest? You would be marked as not +valuing your honesty at five pounds. +No, you would pay and pay readily."</p> +<p> +My words were addressed to Peter, +but Hilda seemed the more interested. +"It sounds well, but how would you +raise the money?" she asked.</p> +<p> +"That would depend on the virtue," +I replied. "The sobriety tax, for example, +would be levied on anyone who +had not for some years been convicted +of drunkenness."</p> +<p> +"But how about the virtues that you +don't get fined for not having—truthfulness, +unselfishness, kindheartedness +and all those?"</p> +<p> +"I admit that would be difficult. +Can you suggest anything?" I asked +Peter.</p> +<p> +"No," he answered. "I'm not encouraging +your rotten idea anyhow."</p> +<p> +"Could the revenue officials feel people's +bumps?" inquired Hilda reflectively.</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> +<p> +"I'm afraid," I said, "people wouldn't +stand it. Fancy Peter——"</p> +<p> +"I've got it," said Hilda. "The +revenue officials would attribute a virtue +to the taxpayer, and if he wanted +to escape taxation they would require +him to prove to them that he lacked +the virtue in question."</p> +<p> +"They would like doing that," muttered +Peter.</p> +<p> +"You have found the solution," I +said to Hilda. "If you impute to a +person a virtue he does not possess he +probably denies that he has it, but he +is really flattered and his denial is not +sincere. He would be willing to pay +on it; he would rather pay than not."</p> +<p> +At this point Peter grew tired of refraining +from comment. "I don't want +you to suppose," he said, "that I am taking +any interest in your fatuous scheme, +but doesn't it occur to you that under +your system it would be simply ruinous +to have any virtues at all, and that the +only people who would flourish would +be those who had no virtues and were +not ashamed of it?"</p> +<p> +"For one thing," I replied confidently, +"the taxes would be graduated in the +ordinary way in accordance with means. +The slightest flicker of a conscience +in Park Lane would be more heavily +mulcted than the most blameless life in +Bermondsey. But the main point is +that under my system taxation would +become the measure of a man's moral +worth, and people who did not pay +taxes would be simply out of it. All +the plums would go the highly-taxed +men. Their tax receipts would be certificates +of character, and the more they +earned the more the Treasury would be +able to get out of them. So far from +dodging taxation, people would scramble +to pay it."</p> +<p> +"But how," asked Hilda, "would you +make the tax receipt a trustworthy +testimonial? Your rich man with one +virtue would have a better receipt than +your poor one with ten."</p> +<p> +"The virtues taxed would be shown +on the receipt," I replied. "Besides, +poor and virtuous men would, as I have +suggested, get an abatement on their +virtue taxes, and the amount of the +abatement would be shown on the receipt. +So it could easily be seen what +proportion a man was paying on his +wealth and what on his virtues."</p> +<p> +"Look here," said Peter, aroused at +last, "do you convey that the tobacco +duty would be paid by people who +didn't smoke?"</p> +<p> +"It would amount to that," I answered, +"assuming that abstention from +tobacco were counted a virtue."</p> +<p> +"There may be something in it after +all," said Peter.</p> + + <hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/215.png"><img src="images/215-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="There are plenty of fish, but you've got to fish dry to catch them." /></a> + +<p><i>Fisherman.</i> "<span class="sc">There are plenty of fish, but you've got +to fish dry to catch them.</span>"</p> +<p> +<i>American Friend.</i> "<span class="sc">Say, you make me real homesick.</span>"</p></div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3> + +<h3><span class="sc">The Chameleon.</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The chameleon changes his colour;</p> + <p class="i4">He can look like a tree or a wall;</p> +<p>He is timid and shy and he hates to be seen,</p> +<p>So he simply sits down in the grass and goes green,</p> + <p class="i4">And pretends he is nothing at all.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I wish I could change my complexion</p> + <p class="i4">To purple or orange or red;</p> +<p>I wish I could look like the arm of a chair</p> +<p>So nobody ever would know I was there</p> + <p class="i4">When they wanted to put me to bed.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I wish I could be a chameleon</p> + <p class="i4">And look like a lily or rose;</p> +<p>I'd lie on the apples and peaches and pears,</p> +<p>But not on Aunt Margaret's yellowy chairs—</p> + <p class="i4">I should have to be careful of those.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The chameleon's life is confusing;</p> + <p class="i4">He is used to adventure and pain;</p> +<p>But if ever he sat on Aunt Maggie's cretonne</p> +<p>And found what a curious colour he'd gone,</p> + <p class="i4">I don't think he'd do it again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24"> +A.P.H.</p> +</div> + +</div> +<hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + +<h3>THAT TEA INTERVAL.</h3> + +<p> +Before the last ball of 1920 is bowled and the last wicket +in a first-class match falls (as will most probably happen at +the Oval this very afternoon, September 15th), I should like +to let the Gods of the Game know how I propose to spend +the following winter in their interests, so that when the +season of 1921 is with us the happiness of the cricket +spectator may be even greater than it has been in the one +now expiring.</p> +<p> +I am going to devote the time to invention. With every +grain of intellect and ingenuity that I can scrape together +I am going to devise a means of humanising the tea +interval.</p> +<p> +Once upon a time I was so rash as to ridicule this interruption. +I drew attention to the fact that the ancient +heroes of the game had been able to dispense with it. +<span class="sc">Alfred Mynn</span> needed no Asiatic stimulant between lunch +and the close of play. Even such wholehearted moderns +as <span class="sc">Hornby</span> and <span class="sc">Shrewsbury</span> and <span class="sc">Grace</span> managed to do +well without the support of Hyson or Bohea. For more +than a century cricket and tea were strangers and cricket +did not suffer. And so on. But the attacks were futile: the +tea interval became an institution; and nothing now, one +realises, can ever occur to separate the gallant fellows from +their cups and saucers.</p> +<p> +That being accepted, the problem is how to make the +interval at once less harmful to the match and more tolerable +to the lover of cricket; and it is on this problem that I have +been working and intend to work through the arid football +months. What has to be done is (<i>a</i>) to get the interval +abbreviated; and (<i>b</i>) to keep the players on the field. It is +the length of it and the empty pitch that are so depressing +to the spectator, and it is the return to the pavilion that is +so detrimental to the rhythm of the game. Neither of the +batsmen ever wants the interruption, and I have often +noticed a reluctance in certain members of the fielding side. +As for the watchers, they never fail to groan.</p> +<p> +Still, as I have said, it is now recognised that the craving +for tea is as much a part of the present-day game as the +six-ball over, and the time has passed for censuring it. +But something can be done to regulate it; and I have based +my efforts towards a solution on the argument that, if a +cricketer is not called in from the game to read his telegram, +but (as we have all seen so often) the telegram is +taken out to him, surely the precious fluid that he so passionately +desiderates can be taken out to him too. At present, +therefore, all my thoughts are turned upon the construction +of some kind of wheeled waggon, such as is in +use at a well-known restaurant in the Strand, on which +fifteen cups (two for the umpires) and an urn and sugar and +milk can be conveyed, with the concomitant bread-and-butter, +or shrimps or meringues, or whatever is eaten with +the tea, on a lower shelf. This could be pushed on to the +ground at 4.15 and pushed back again at 4.20 without any +serious injury to the match. That is my idea at the +moment; but I am a poor mechanic and should be glad +if some properly qualified person—someone with a <span class="sc">Heath +Robinson</span> mind—would take the work over.</p> +<p class="author"> +E.V.L.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<h4>IN THE MOVEMENT.</h4> + +<p> +How I came to be able to understand the language of +trees is a secret. But I do understand it. It is my +peculiar privilege to overhear all kinds of whispered conversation—green +speech in green shades—as I take my +rest underneath the boughs on a country walk. Some day +I shall set down fully the result of these leaves-droppings, +but at the moment I want to tell only of what I heard some +blackberry bushes saying last week.</p> +<p> +"From what I hear," said the first bush, "the cost of +everything's going up by leaps and bounds."</p> +<p> +"How is that?" asked one of its neighbours.</p> +<p> +"It's due, I understand," the first bush replied, "partly +to scarcity of labour and partly to profiteering."</p> +<p> +"I don't see why we shouldn't participate," said another +bush. "Here we are, covered with fruit, and it's all just as +free as ever it was. That's absurd, after a big war. The +duty of a war is to make things dearer and remove freedom."</p> +<p> +"Of course," said the others.</p> +<p> +"'Your blackberries will cost you more'—that should be +our motto," said the first bush. "We must be up to date."</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A few days later, after one of our infrequent post-bellum +gleams of sunshine, I met the Lady of the White House +and all her nice children returning from a day's blackberrying. +They showed me their baskets with a proper +pride, and I was suitably enthusiastic and complimentary.</p> +<p> +"But do look at our poor hands and arms and our torn +frocks!" said the lady. "We've picked blackberries here +year after year, but we've never been so badly scratched +before. It's extraordinary. I can't account for it."</p> +<p> +I could, though.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<h3>THE MOON-SELLER.</h3> + + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man came by at night with moons to sell;</p> + <p class="i2">"Moons old and new," he cried;</p> +<p>I hurried when I heard him call for me;</p> +<p>He set his basket on the wall for me</p> + <p class="i2">That I might see inside</p> +<p>And watch the little moons curl up and hide.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Each one he touched rang softly like a bell;</p> + <p class="i2">He pointed out to me</p> +<p>Great harvest moons with russet light in them,</p> +<p>Pale moons to gleam where snows grow white in them,</p> + <p class="i2">Red moons for victory,</p> +<p>And steadfast moons for men in ships at sea.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The man who came with many moons to sell</p> + <p class="i2">Opened his basket wide;</p> +<p>Showed me the filmy crescent moons in it,</p> +<p>And the piled discs (like silver spoons) in it</p> + <p class="i2">That push and pull the tide,</p> +<p>And small sweet honey-moons to give a bride.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"This moon," he said, "you will remember well;</p> + <p class="i2">Its price is wealth untold;"</p> +<p>Took a camp-moon he vowed he stole for me</p> +<p>And softly wrapped to keep it whole for me.</p> + <p class="i2">I heaped his feet with gold;</p> +<p>He changed, and said the moon might not be sold.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Then I was angry that with moons to sell</p> + <p class="i2">He thought he had the right</p> +<p>To keep that one. Those who were lent to us</p> +<p>Had written the brief notes they sent to us</p> + <p class="i2">When it shone out at night.</p> +<p>I caught it to my heart and held it tight.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Twenty Students Require clean, respectable Board-Residence; +would not object to Share Bed."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p> +They should have lived in the days of Og, the King of +Basan; his bedstead <i>was</i> a bedstead.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="author">"<span class="sc">Calcutta.</span></p> +<p> +During the past few weeks several parties of Afghan merchants and +traders have settled up their affairs and come into India. In order to +avoid being questioned by British poets in the Khyber, they have +entered this country by way of the Sissobi pass."—<i>Indian Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p> +Some of our poets are notoriously curious, and we are +hardly surprised to learn that the Afghans could not "abide +their question."</p> + + <hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 345px"> +<a href="images/217.png"><img src="images/217-342.png" width="342" height="450" alt="A Cock-and-Bull Story" /></a> +<h3>A COCK-AND-BULL STORY.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span> + + +<h3>THE LANGUAGE DIFFICULTY.</h3> +<p> +"The jolly part about an island +where there are no towns and no railways," +said Willoughby, "is that you +have thrills of excitement as to where +you will sleep next night or eat your +next meal. Now when we land at +Lochrie Bay to-morrow it will be nearly +lunch-time; but shall we get lunch?"</p> +<p> +"I can answer that," replied MacFadden, +whose grandfather was a Scotsman, +and who was once in Edinburgh +for a week; "the map shows it is only +five miles to Waterfoot, and there's +sure to be an hotel there. Those little +Scots inns are all right."</p> +<p> +"Yes," chimed in Sylvia, "and very +likely there'll be nothing to eat when +we get there. I am thinking +of you three men, of +course," she added hastily; +"we girls don't want +much."</p> +<p> +"As for me," said Willoughby, +looking at Sylvia, +whom he has adored +dumbly for years, "very +little satisfies me. I'm +like the fellow who said, 'a +crust of bread, a bottle of +wine and you.' You know +the chap, MacFadden."</p> +<p> +"Isn't it wonderful how +he remembers his <span class="sc">Omar</span>?" +remarked Mac enthusiastically.</p> +<p> +"I don't know much +poetry," said Willoughby, +whose tastes are sporting +rather than literary, "but +I always liked that bit."</p> +<p> +"But lunch," I interposed, +"is the pressing +question. There's sure to +be an hotel at Waterfoot, +as you say. Send a telegram there, +asking for lunch for six. If there's no +hotel, no reply and no lunch. If there +is we get our reply and our lunch. +Willoughby can wire, because he learned +all about telegraphs in the army."</p> +<p> +Within two hours came the reply. I +opened it.</p> +<p> +"Will supply luncheon for six, 1.15 +to-day."</p> +<p> +"Can you remember what your wire +said, Willoughby?" I asked mildly.</p> +<p> +"Rather. 'Can you provide luncheon +for six at 1.15.—Willoughby.'"</p> +<p> +"Exactly. Can't you see, you silly +ass, how you've muffed it? Read this." +Willoughby read, while Sylvia and +Molly looked over and giggled.</p> +<p> +"Hang it all! I suppose I ought to +have said to-morrow," he sighed. "Here, +Thompson, you and Hilda, as the married +couple of the party, ought to deal +with these beastly emergencies."</p> +<p> +"Not I," I replied. "You've got us +in the muddle, now get us out. Wire +and say it's for to-morrow."</p> +<p> +"And then," said my practical wife, +"we shall get to-day's hot lunch cold +to-morrow, and a rapacious Scotch-woman +will charge us for it twice +over."</p> +<p> +"I wish you would say 'Scots,' not +'Scotch,'" complained MacFadden.</p> +<p> +"Sorry, Kiltie," rejoined Hilda; "and +perhaps one of you two will deal with +the Scots woman."</p> +<p> +"Leave her to me and none of you +interfere," answered MacFadden. "Willoughby +is no good at a job that needs +tact. He's not half as lovable as I am +either. Is he, Molly? We'll send the +wire at once. Come on."</p> +<p> +Next day the steamer dropped us +into the ferry-boat off Lochrie Bay, and +our bicycles, more frightened than hurt, +but much shaken, were hurled in after +us. After five miles on a primitive +road we arrived at the hotel very late.</p> +<p> +MacFadden, assuring us that if we +only kept quiet he would see us through +in spite of any Scots innkeeper, led the +way.</p> +<p> +The landlady, a dour woman, appeared.</p> +<p> +"Good morning, Madam," began Mac +politely.</p> +<p> +"Will you be Mr. Willoughby?" she +replied.</p> +<p> +"No," said Mac truthfully, assuming +a puzzled expression.</p> +<p> +"Weel, then," resumed the lady, addressing +Sylvia, who happened to be +close behind, "will you be Mrs. Willoughby?"</p> +<p> +Molly sniggered; Sylvia reddened +and answered hastily, "No, I won't!" +at which Willoughby sighed audibly.</p> +<p> +"What I wanted to ask you was +whether perhaps you could be so kind +as to give us a bit of bread and cheese +or something," said Mac ingratiatingly. +"Of course one doesn't expect a proper +lunch in these places without ordering +it beforehand."</p> +<p> +"And those that order beforehand +dinna come," she replied with some asperity. +"A pairty of six ordered for yesterday +then they telegraphs to say +they mean to-day, and now they're no +here and the time lang gone by. I +thocht ye were the pairty at first."</p> +<p> +"What a shame!" murmured MacFadden +sympathetically.</p> +<p> +"Ay, if they had turned up they should +hae had their lunch, and +paid for it too," said the +good lady grimly. "Twa +days they should hae paid +for. But if ye like ye can +eat their lunch for them; +it's cauld but guid."</p> +<p> +So we ate heartily, paid +reasonably and went away +on good terms with ourselves +and the lady.</p> +<p> +Walking up the steep +hill from the hotel I was +just behind Willoughby +and Sylvia. He was pushing +the two bicycles and +explaining something elaborately.</p> +<p> +"Awfully sorry about +that silly woman, Sylvia," +he said, "but it's only their +rotten way of talking English. +You see, when she +says, '<i>Will</i> you be Mrs. +Willoughby?' she really +means, '<i>Are</i> you?' It's +not the same as when an +Englishman says it. If I said, 'Will +you be Mrs. Willoughby?' that would +be different; it would mean—"</p> +<p> +"Yes," interrupted Sylvia rather +breathlessly, "that, Tommy dear, would +be plain English, to which I could give +a plain answer. I should say—"</p> +<p> +We had reached the brow of the hill. +I mounted my bicycle and hurried on.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;"> +<a href="images/218.png"><img src="images/218-550.png" width="550" height="450" alt="Fifteen, all told, and all told what I thought of 'em." /></a> + +<p><i>Mistress.</i> <span class="sc">"You seem to have been in a good many situations. +How many mistresses have you had, all told?"</span></p> +<p> +<i>Maid.</i> <span class="sc">"Fifteen, all told—and all told what I thought of 'em."</span></p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>"1,000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER."</h4> +<blockquote> +<p class="author"> +<i>Daily Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p> +A much worse case than that of <span class="sc">Lear's</span> +old man with a beard, who said it was +just as he feared.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"For all we know, Helen of Troy's best +friends might have said, 'Helen has style and +knows how to make the most of her good +points; but, honest, now, do you think she +should have got the apple?'"</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p> +Certainly not. That's why Paris gave +it to Aphrodite.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/219.png"><img src="images/219-600.png" width="600" height="449" alt="Bain't bin talkin', bin chewin'." /></a> + +<p><i>First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, breaking long silence).</i> +<span class="sc">"There—it's come at last! You've been talking +all this time and I ain't heard a single word."</span></p> +<p> +<i>Second Ancient.</i> <span class="sc">"Bain't bin talkin'—bin chewin'."</span></p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4><span style="font-weight: normal;">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</span></h4> +<p> +Really I think that <i>Rhoda Drake</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) must be the +most preposterously startling story that I have read for +this age. It makes you feel as if you had had a squib +exploded under your chair at a temperance meeting. After +beginning placidly about persons who live in South Kensington +(and are so dull that the author has to fill up with +minute descriptions of their drawing-rooms), somewhere +towards three-quarters through its decorous course it +plunges you head over ears into such tearing melodrama +as is comparable only to Episode 42 of "The Adventures +of the Blinking Eye" at a provincial cinema. I am left +asking myself in bewilderment whether Mr. <span class="sc">C.H. Dudley +Ward</span>, D.S.O., M.C., can have been serious in the affair. +As I say, practically all the early characters are of little +or no account, including <i>Rhoda</i> herself. Indeed, nobody +looks like mattering at all, and the whole tale has, to be +frank, taken on a somewhat soporific aspect, when lo! +there enters a lady with a Russian name, no back to her +gown and green face-powder. If I said of this paragon +that she made the story bounce I should still do less than +justice to her amazing personality. Really, she was a +herald of revolution, whose remarkable method was to +invite anyone important and obstructive to her house and +make them discontented. It was the work of half-an-hour. +Whether the process was hypnotic, or whether she actually +put pepper in the ice-pudding, I could not clearly make out. +But the dreadful fact remained that, let your patriotism be +ever so firm, you had but to accept one of green-powder's +little dinners and next morning you were as like as not to +hurl a stone into 10, Downing Street. As for the end—! +But no, I will stop short of it.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +Frankly, what pleased me most about <i>Affinities</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder +and Stoughton</span>) was its attractive get-up; pleasant, cherry-pie-coloured +boards, swathed in a very daintily-drawn +pictorial wrapper, the whole, as cataloguers say, forming an +ideal birthday present for a young lady, especially one at all +apt to discover, however harmlessly, the affinities that +give these five tales their title. As for the stories themselves, +really all that need be said is to congratulate Mrs. +<span class="sc">Mary Roberts Rinehart</span> on the ingenuity with which she +can tell what seems an obvious intrigue yet keep a surprise +in reserve. I suppose it is because they come to +us from America that certain of the episodes turn upon +incidents in the Suffrage struggle, tale-fodder that our own +militant novelists have long happily discarded. Of the +others I think I myself would award the palm to one +called "The Family Friend," a genially cynical little comedy +of encouraged courtship, of which the end seems to be +visible from the beginning, but isn't. Altogether, what I +might call a Canute; in other words a book for the deck-chair, +not too absorbing to endanger your shoes, however +close you read it to the advancing wave.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span> +<p> +I think I should best describe the characteristic quality +of <i>Four Blind Mice</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) as geniality. The scene of it +is Burmah—astonishing, when you consider the host of +novels about the rest of India, that so few should employ +this equally picturesque setting—and it is quickly apparent +that what Mr. <span class="sc">C.C. Lowis</span> doesn't know at first hand +about Rangoon is not likely to be missed. The tale itself is +a good-humoured little comedy of European and native +intrigue, showing how one section of the populace strove +as usual to ease the white man's burden by flirtation and +gossip, and the other to get the best for themselves by unlimited +roguery and chicane. The whole thing culminates in +a trial scene which is at once a delightful entertainment and +(I should suppose) a shrewdly observed study of the course +of Anglo-Burmese justice. I think I would have chosen +that Mr. <span class="sc">Lowis</span> should base his fun on something a little +less grim than the murder and mutilation of a European, +or at least Eurasian, +lady, even though the +very slight part in +the action played by +<i>Mrs. Rodrigues</i>, when +alive, could hardly be +called sympathetic. +Still we were all so +good-humoured over +her taking-off that +for a long time I +cherished a rather +dream-like faith in +her reappearance to +prove that this attitude +had been justified. +Not that Mr. +<span class="sc">Lowis</span> has not every +right to retort that +he is writing comedy +rather than farce; certainly +he has made +his four blind mice +to run in highly diverting +fashion, very +entertaining to those +of us who see how +they run; and as they +at least save their tails +triumphantly it would perhaps be ungenerous to complain +about one that doesn't.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/220.png"><img src="images/220-500.png" width="500" height="328" alt="Oh, Professor, can you provide me with a love-potion?" /></a> + +<p> +<i>Damsel.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh, Professor, can you provide me with a love-potion? My +Mother says if I wed not soon I must e'en go forth to earn my living."</span></p> + +<p> +<i>Alchemist.</i> <span class="sc">"That I can, Madam, and of two kinds. First, the slow-working +purple sort is verily cheap, but difficult of administration; for in +water it is plainly visible and easy of discernment in tea. Whereas my +patent potion, bringing love at first sight, closely resembleth the much-desired +whisky. This sort is one guinea per tot."</span></p> +</div> + + <hr /> +<p> +<i>The Story of the Fourth Army in the Battles of the Hundred +Days</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) is printed on pages +the size of a copy of <i>Punch</i>, and with its accompanying case +of maps it costs eighteen-pence to go through the post. It +boasts a hundred full-page photographs, also sketches, +charts, maps, panoramas and diagrams <i>ad lib.</i>, a foreword +by General Lord <span class="sc">Rawlinson</span> and ten appendices; so really +it seems that the much-abused word "sumptuous" may for +once be fairly applied. The author, Major-General Sir <span class="sc">A. +Montgomery</span>, who himself helped to "stage" the battles he +writes about, has built up a record which is in some sense +unique, for I think it is possible from this book to trace +precisely where any unit of the Fourth Army was placed, and +what doing, at any given hour during the whole of the victory +march from Amiens to the Belgian frontier. Apart from anything +else it is pleasant to have a book that deals only with +the days of victory; but it must be admitted that, to gain a +completeness of detail so entirely satisfactory to those most +nearly concerned, the writer has had to sacrifice something +of human interest, for many of his pages are little more than +a bare chronicle of names and places. Undoubtedly his book +should be read with great deliberation, constant reference +to the maps and a lively recollection of personal experiences +on the spot; but the civilian reader may still be content +to skim the text and save himself for the photographs. +These, mostly taken from the air and of exquisite technical +quality, form an amazing series, in themselves worth the +heavy price. And who minds heavy prices when the proceeds +are pledged to the service of wounded officers?</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +"Rather an anti-climax," I thought when I opened <i>The +Happy Foreigner</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) and found that it purported +to tell the experiences of an English <i>chauffeuse</i> in France +after the Armistice; but I know now that, in any place +where <span class="sc">Enid Bagnold</span> happened to be, there would not be +any anti-climax about. In a style so daring and vivid that +it could only have been born, I suppose, of fast driving, the +authoress describes a +romantic affair with a +young French officer; +but her real theme is +the suffering of France +bowed down under the +intolerable burden of +so many strangers, +both enemies and +friends. The rich and +well-fed Americans +who will not trouble +to understand, the +grotesque Chinamen +and Annamites, the +starving Russians liberated +from the Germans, +flash by, with +the ruins of villages, +the tangle of wire +and litter of derelict +guns; and even the +romance, intensely +felt though it is, must +be fleeting, like the +rest of the nightmare, +because the Frenchman's +eyes are set +on the future and +the rebuilding of his fortunes. This book is not "about +the War," but all the same it is one of the best books +about the War that I have read.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +<i>From a Common Room Window</i> (<span class="sc">Owen</span>) will be a slight +refreshment to those who are weary of realistic studies of +schoolmasters and schoolboys. "<span class="sc">Orbilius</span>," during what +I take to have been a long career as a teacher, has not +allowed his sense of humour to wither within him. In a +note to his slender volume of sketches he says, "School-life +is largely a comedy. When a schoolmaster ceases to recognise +this it is time for him to 'bundle and go.'" He has +been in the main a keen and sympathetic observer, and +though his remarks upon headmasters are a little severe—personally +I should hate to be called "a meticulous pedagogue"—I +do not think that a little criticism of these potentates +will do them the smallest harm. In "The Castigator" +"<span class="sc">Orbilius</span>" gives a laughable sketch. The inventor of a +flogging machine is soundly beaten by his own instrument, +and he would be a sombre man indeed who could +read it without a desire to witness such a chastening performance. +By no means the least merit of this book is +that it contains no new theories about education.</p> + +<hr /> + +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 15, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17654-h.htm or 17654-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/5/17654/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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mode 100644 index 0000000..5c6071f --- /dev/null +++ b/17654-h/images/220.png diff --git a/17654.txt b/17654.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2619a8c --- /dev/null +++ b/17654.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 15, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 15, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 31, 2006 [EBook #17654] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + +September 15th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Prohibition meetings in Scotland, says an official, have been attended +by fifty thousand people. We should not have thought there were so +many aliens in Scotland. + + * * * + +At an Oldbury wedding the other day a brick was thrown at the +bridegroom. There is no excuse for this sort of thing with confetti so +cheap. + + * * * + +One of the Pacific Islands, we read, is so small that the House of +Commons could not be planted on it. A great pity. + + * * * + +"Do hotel chefs use cookery-books?" asks a home journal. Our own +opinion is that quite a large proportion of them cook by ear. + + * * * + +Fourteen thousand artificial teeth recently stolen from premises in +East London have not been recovered. While not attempting to indicate +the guilty party, we cannot refrain from pointing out that several +Labour leaders have recently been showing a good many more teeth than +they were thought entitled to possess. + + * * * + +At the Trades Union Congress a protest was made against the +Unemployment Insurance Act. This must not be confused with the miners' +threat to strike. That is merely a method of ensuring unemployment. + + * * * + +The arrangement by which a hundred-and-fifty amateur brass bands are +to play at the Crystal Palace on September 25th looks like an attempt +to distract us from the miners' strike fixed for that day. + + * * * + +A Ramsgate man charged with shooting a cat denied that he fired at it. +The animal is said to have dashed at the bullet and impaled himself +upon it. + + * * * + +It has been agreed, says a news item, that milk shall be tenpence a +quart this winter. Not by us. + + * * * + +The War Office announces that Arabs in Southern Mesopotamia have +captured a British armoured train. It should be pointed out to these +Arab rebels that it is such behaviour as this that discourages the +tourist spirit. + + * * * + +Upon reading that another lady had failed in her attempt to swim the +Channel a Scotsman inquires whether the Cross-Channel steamer rates +have been increased, like everything else. + + * * * + +We are informed that at a football match recently played in the +Rhondda Valley the referee won. + + * * * + +General OBREGON, says an unofficial message, has been elected +President of Mexico. The startling report that he has decided to +reverse the safe policy of his predecessors and recognise the United +States requires corroboration. + + * * * + +Everybody should economise after a great war, says an American film +producer. We always do our best after every great war. + + * * * + +According to an official report only fifty policemen were bitten by +dogs in London last week. The falling off is said to be due to the +fact that it has been rather a good year for young and tender postmen. + + * * * + +Some highly-strung persons, says a medical writer, are even afraid of +inanimate objects. This accounts for many nervous people being afraid +of venturing too near a plumber. + + * * * + +"I only want the potatoes in the allotment and not the earth," said a +complainant at Deptford. It is evident that, if this man is a trade +unionist, he is a raw amateur. + + * * * + +Doctors at Vicenza have threatened to strike. This means that people +in that neighbourhood will have to die without medical assistance. + + * * * + +"Chief Hailstorm," of the Texas Rangers, has arrived in London. His +brother, Chief Rainstorm, has, of course, been with us most of the +summer. + + * * * + +Girls, declares a well-known City caterer, are acquiring bigger +appetites. We somehow suspected that the demand for a return of the +wasp waist had influential interests behind it. + + * * * + +The wife of a miner in Warwickshire has recently presented her husband +with three baby boys. We understand that Mr. SMILLIE is sorry to have +missed three extra strike-votes which he would have obtained had the +boys been born a little earlier. + + * * * + +An extraordinary story reaches us from North London. It appears that +during the building of a house a brick slipped unnoticed from a +hod and fell into its correct position, with the result that the +accountant employed by the bricklayers could not balance his books at +the end of the day. + + * * * + +"As science measures time," declares an eminent geologist, "the Garden +of Eden was a thing of yesterday." All we can say is, "Where was +Councillor CLARK yesterday?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Special Correspondent._ "WHEN THEY RELEASED ME THEY +SAID THAT IF I SHOWED MY FACE IN IRELAND AGAIN I SHOULD BE SHOT." + +_Editor._ "I'LL LET THESE SINN FEINERS SEE THAT I'M NOT TO BE +INTIMIDATED. YOU'LL GO BACK BY THE NEXT TRAIN."] + + * * * * * + + "POLES OVER THE LINE." + + _Evening Paper._ + +So _that_ accounts for the weather. + + * * * * * + + "Whatever other defects may be alleged against the scarlet + uniform, it certainly makes for two things--discipline and + smartness--and these two are very important factors in + discipline." + + _"Civil and Military Gazette," Lahore._ + +Especially the former. + + * * * * * + + "During the night, she [Mrs. Hamilton, the Channel swimmer] said, + 'I occasionally took hot drinks and ate cold roast chicken, the + small bones of which I kept chewing, as it seemed to assist + me....' + + A strict vegetarian, Mrs. Hamilton will sometimes swim five miles + before dinner, and skips for a few minutes every day." + + _Scotch Paper._ + +She should skip the chicken if she wants us to be excited about her +strict vegetarianism. + + * * * * * + + +DOGGEREL. + +TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S ST. BERNARD PUP. + + Ere your native country figured as the home of winter sport, + Paradise of spies and agents, and for kings a last resort; + Ere the hospitable chamois lent his haunts to Bolsh and Hun + Or the queue of rash toboggans took the curve of Cresta Run; + + Long before a locomotive climbed the Rigi, cog by cog, + Fame had mentioned your forefathers--such a noble breed of dog, + How they tracked the lonely traveller with their nimble, sleuthy snouts, + Till beneath a billowy snowdrift they remarked his whereabouts. + + How they dug him out of cold-store like a Canterbury sheep, + Took their tongues and kindly licked him where his nose + had gone to sleep, + Called attention to the cognac which they wore in little kegs + And remobilised the stagnant circulation in his legs. + + How they lifted up their voices, baying like an iron bell, + Till the monks of good St. Bernard heard the same and ran like hell-- + Ran and bore him to their hospice, where they put him into bed + And applied a holy posset stiff enough to wake the dead. + + Heir to this superb tradition, born to such a pride of race, + From the doggy _flair_ that tells you what a lineage you can trace + You will draw, I trust, a solace for the strange and alien scene + Where you undergo purgation in a stuffy quarantine. + + Further, if a homesick feeling sets you itching in the scalp + With a wave of poignant longing for the odour of an Alp, + Let this thought (a thing of splendour) help to keep your pecker up-- + You have had a high promotion; you are now a Premier's pup! + + You shall guard his sacred portals, you shall eat from off his plate, + Mix with private secretaries, move behind the veil of State, + And at Ministerial councils, as a special form of treat, + You shall sniff at WINSTON'S trousers, you shall fondle CURZON'S feet. + + You may even serve your master as an expert, one who knows + All the rules regarding salvage in the Great St. Bernard snows, + Do him good by utilising your hereditary gift + To retrieve his Coalition from a constant state of drift. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + +THE PRODIGIES. + +We--Great-aunts Emily and Louisa--had in our innocence been telling a +few old fairy stories at bedtime to those three precocities whom our +hosts call their children. + +We knew that they talked Latin and Greek in their sleep and were too +much for their parents in argument, but we thought that at least, at +the story hour---- + +We were stopped by Drusilla. "I don't think much of the moral of that +one," she remarked. "It would seem to illustrate the Evil Consequences +of Benevolence!" + +"But she came alive again," said Evadne, the youngest, in extenuation. + +"And the wolf was killed," we ventured in defence of our old story. + +"Still," persisted Drusilla, "you couldn't call it encouraging." + +"Then in the other case," went on Claude thoughtfully, "considering +that she had been left in sole charge of the house and had no business +to go out and leave it to the mercy of burglars, what moral are we to +draw from the fact that she married a Prince and lived happily ever +afterwards?" + +"Most of them have that sort of moral," said Drusilla. "And they +are every one of them devoid of humour, except of the most obvious +kind--no subtlety." + +"When _I_ was your age," said poor Louisa gently, "I used to laugh +very heartily over the adventures of _Tom Thumb_." + +Claude seemed touched. "There are some capital situations in certain +of them," he conceded, "which might be quite effectively treated." + +"How?" we asked weakly. + +It was Drusilla, the most alarming of the children, who finally +undertook to sketch us out an example. + +After a short meditation, "Something like this," she said. "The +situation, of course, you have met with before, but as remodelled you +might call it-- + + + THE TRIUMPH OF VIRTUE; + OR, + THE BAD FAIRY FOILED. + + + A certain King and Queen had one daughter, to whose christening + they invited a large company, forgetting as usual a particularly + important and bad-tempered Fairy, who signified her annoyance in + the usual manner. + + The attendants of the little Princess (having read their + story-books) were preparing dolefully enough to fall asleep for a + hundred years, when the Fairy, with a contemptuous sniff, remarked + that the spell would not take effect for some time yet. + + They breathed again and had almost forgotten the affair by the + time the Princess had grown up. But the Fairy had so arranged it + that the spell fell upon the Princess at the time when she was + engaged in making her choice of a husband from among the suitors + who had arrived at her father's Court. + + The Princess was now bewitched in this way--that good men appeared + bad, ugly men handsome, and _vice versa_. The Fairy had hoped that + she would thus make a mess of her matrimonial affairs and live + unhappily ever after. + + But she had reckoned without the disposition of the Princess, a + kind good girl with an overpowering sense of duty. When pressed + to choose, she replied firmly, "I will have no other than Prince + Felix." + + To her his ugliness seemed pathetic and his character evidently + needed reformation so urgently that she longed to be at the job. + No one wondered at her choice, for he was, of course, the most + handsome and excellent of men. + + Ultimately the Fairy broke her spell in a fit of exasperation, but + without any gratifying result. The Princess seemed happier than + ever and would sometimes say to a slightly puzzled friend:-- + + "Hasn't Felix improved _wonderfully_ since I married him?" + + * * * * * + + "From 1910 to 1916 he was Viceroy in India, governing the + Dependency through very critical years and enjoying general + esteem, as was made clear in 1912, when an attempt was made to + assassinate him at Delhi."--"_Daily Mail" on Lord Hardinge_. + +It sounds like a _succes d'estime_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PUBLIC BENEFACTOR. + +MR. SMILLIE. "I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF YOUR PAYING SO MUCH FOR YOUR COAL. +I MUST PUT THAT RIGHT; I MUST SEE THAT YOU DON'T GET ANY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tramp_. "IN THIS BIT O' NOOSPAPER IT SAYS: +'THE 'OLE CAUSE OF THE WORLD'S PRESENT DISORDER IS THE UNIVERSAL +SPIRIT OF UNREST. I WONDER IF THAT'S TRUE?" + +_Second Tramp_. "I AIN'T NOTICED IT."] + + * * * * * + + +THE COAL CUP. + +It seems to me that we all take a great deal of interest in the miners +when they strike, but not nearly enough when they hew. And yet +this business of hacking large lumps of fuel out of a hole, since +civilisation really depends on it, ought to be represented to us from +day to day as the beautiful and thrilling thing that it really is. Yet +if we put aside for a moment Mr. SMILLIE'S present demands, we find +the main topics of discussion in the daily Press as I write are +roughly these:-- + + (1) The prospects of League Football and the Cup Ties. + + (2) Ireland. + + (3) The prevalence of deafness amongst blue-eyed cats. + + (4) Mesopotamia. + + (5) The Fall of Man. + + (6) The sale of _The Daily Mail_, whose circulation during +the coming winter is for some reason or other supposed to be almost +as important to the children of England as their own. + +Of all these topics the first is, of course, by far the most +absorbing, and almost everyone has remarked how the love of sport, for +which Britons are famous, is growing more passionate than ever. It is +not only cricket and football, of course; only the other day there was +a shilling sweepstake on the St. Leger in our office and, from what +I hear of the form of Westmorland in the County Croquet Championship +during the past season--but I have no time to discuss these things +now. + +The point is that, whilst this excitement over games grows greater +and greater, the country is suffering, say the economists, from +under-production and the inflation of the wage-bill. This means that +everyone is trying to do less work and get more money for it, a very +natural ambition which nobody can blame the miners from sharing. I +suppose that if they all stopped mining and we had to depend for +warmth on wrapping ourselves up in moleskins, the molliers, or +whatever they are called, would strike for a two-shillings rise as +well. + +The worst of it is that under-production, say the economists again +(there is no keeping anything from these smart lads), sends prices up. +Obviously then there is only one thing to do: we must take advantage +of the prevailing passion and make mining (and other industries too +for that matter) a form of sport. The daily papers should find very +little difficulty in doing this. + + WHO HEWS HARDEST? + CLAIM BY A LANARKSHIRE COLLIER + +would do very well for the headings of a preliminary article; and +the claim of the Lanarkshire collier would, I am sure, be instantly +challenged. After a few letters we might have a suggestion, say from +Wales, that no team of eleven miners could hew so hard and so much +as a Welsh one. And from that it would be only a short step to the +formation of district league competitions and an international +championship. Or the old-time system under which cricketers were +matched for a stake by sporting patrons might be revived, and we +should have headlines in the evening Press after this fashion:-- + + HUGE HEWING CONTEST. + NOTTS FOREST v. NEWCASTLE UNITED. + TREMENDOUS WAGER BETWEEN + THE DUKES OF PORTLAND AND + NORTHUMBERLAND + +and all the glades of Sherwood and the banks where the wild Tyne flows +would be glad. + +It will be objected, of course, that the hewing of coal is not a +spectacular affair. You cannot pack sixty thousand spectators into a +mine to watch a hewing match, and even if you could the lighting is +bad; but that is just where the skill of the reporters would come in. +After all, we do not most of us see the races on which we bet, nor +the Golf Championship, nor even BECKETT and WELLS. But there would be +articles on the correct swing whilst hewing, and the proper stance, +and how far the toes should be turned in; the chances of every team +would be discussed; the current odds would be quoted, and, whoever +won, the consumer would score, whilst the strongest hewers would +become popular heroes and be photographed on the back-page standing +beside their hews. + +I admit that the South of England and London in particular would have +very little share in these competitions, and we should depend for +local interest mainly upon the promising young colts from the Kentish +nurseries. But we could find out from our dealers where our coals +came from and follow from afar the fortunes of our adopted teams; and +Cabinet Ministers, at any rate, could distribute their patronage and +their presence with tact over the various areas involved. + + MR. BALFOUR HEWS OFF AT + DURHAM + +is another headline which seems to suggest itself, and I should +strongly urge the PRIME MINISTER, who has returned, I hear, with a St. +Bernard from the Alps, to lose no time in selecting a more appropriate +playmate. + + PREMIER AT TONYPANDY. + MR. LLOYD GEORGE PATS PET + PIT-PONY + +is the kind of thing I mean, and very hard also to say six times +quickly without making a mistake. + +Obviously the result of all this would be that not only would the +miners be justified in asking for more money, but that the country +would be able to afford it; and similar competitive leagues, to +supersede trade unions, would soon be formed by other trades. One +seems to hear faintly the loud plaudits of the onlookers as two crack +teams of West-end road-menders step smartly into the arena.... + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +=Our Bolshevik Colonies.= + + "Married Shepherd, used hilly country and all farm and station + work, desires Situation; wife would cook one or two men." + +"_The Press," Christchurch, N.Z._ + + "Miss ----, a soubrette, whose songs lean towards the voluptuous, + sank 'Somebody's Baby.' Her encore number, 'You'd be Surprised,' + was even more so." + +"_The Dominion," Wellington, N.Z._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Woodland Sprite (from Stepney, to eminent botanist)._ +"PLEASE, MISTER, MAGGIE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU CHARGE FOR TAKING +TWINS?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE PASSING OF THE CRADLE. + + [According to a report which recently appeared in a daily paper, + cradles for infants are becoming a thing of the past.] + + Snug retreat for mother's treasure, + Shall I pine as I repeat + Rumour's strange report, which says you're + Virtually obsolete? + Shall these lips a doleful lyric + Proffer at your ghostly bier, + Or compose a panegyric + Moistened with a minstrel's tear? + + Me the theme leaves too unshaken, + Though "some" father more or less; + Better 'twere if undertaken + By my wife (a poetess); + And, if I be asked, Why vainly + Occupy, then, so much space? + My concern, I'll say, is mainly + With the woman in the case. + + For, when she and you shall sever + (Though 'tis early yet to crow), + Your departure may for ever + Lay her proudest triumph low; + Yes, while men (I'm much afraid) 'll + Round her fingers still be twirled, + If her hand can't rock a cradle + It may cease to boss the world. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "Irate Householders, why be swindled in a clumsy manner? Fetch + your second-hand clothing to me and be done in the most approved + style."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"MORE LITERARY HEREDITY. + + Fresh literary fame seems to be pending for the Maurice Hewlett + family circle. + + Mr. Robin Richards, the son-in-law of the famous novelist, is + about to appeal to fiction readers with his first novel."--_Daily + Paper_. + +No more of the old-fashioned DARWIN and GALTON nonsense about fathers +and children. + + * * * * * + + +SEVEN WHITEBAIT. + +Here and there in the drab routine of modern existence it is still +possible to catch an occasional glimpse of romance and courageous +living, and in the volume which lies before us as we write we are +given a generous measure of peril and adventure in faery seas forlorn. +_From Whitebait to Kipper: The Story of Seven Lives_, is the vivid +record of a family of herrings, set down (posthumously, it would seem) +with refreshing simplicity by Walter Herring, the youngest and perhaps +the most brilliant of the family. The story begins with the early +childhood of Walter, John, Isabel, Margaret, Rupert, Stephanie and +little Foch, the last of whom was so named because he was born on the +anniversary of the Armistice. (As a matter of fact they were all born +on the same day, but for some reason which is not explained only one +of them was called Foch.) + +You, reader, are one of those ignorant people who do so much discredit +to our Public Schools. You fondly think that the whitebait is a +special kind of fish, that there are father whitebaits and mother +whitebaits and baby whitebaits. You are wrong. There are only baby +whitebaits. At least there are baby herrings and baby pilchards, and +these are called whitebait because they are eaten by the mackerel and +because they look white when they are swimming upside down. + +Anyhow Walter and John and Isabel and Margaret and Rupert and +Stephanie and little Foch began life as whitebait. They used to charge +about the Cornish seas with whole platefuls of other whitebait, +millions of them, and wherever they went they were pursued by +thousands of mackerel, who wanted to eat them. One day John felt that +the moment was very near when he would be eaten by a mackerel, and he +was quite right. Isabel felt the same thing, but she was wrong. +She jumped out of the water and was eaten by a sea-gull. When the +fishermen saw Isabel leaping into the air they came out and caught +the mackerel in a net. They also caught Margaret with a lot of other +whitebait; and she was eaten by a barrister at "Claridge's." + +There were now four of the family who had not been eaten by anyone. It +is extraordinary when you come to think of it that any herring ever +contrives to reach maturity at all. What with the mackerel and the +seagulls and the barristers, everybody seems to be against it. +However, Walter, Rupert and Foch succeeded. Stephanie just missed. +Walter and Rupert and Foch had jolly soft roes, a fact which is +recorded in a cynical little poem by the precocious Foch, believed +to be the only literary work of a whitebait now extant. We have only +space here to quote the opening couplet:-- + + The herrings with the nice soft rows + Are gentlemen; the rest are does. + +The survivors of the family had now to choose a career. From the +beginning it seems to have been recognised that Stephanie at least +would have to be content with a humbler sphere than her more gifted +brothers. She had a hard roe and was rather looked down upon. But she +was an independent little thing and her pride revolted at a life of +subjection at home; so while still a girl she went off on her own and +got mixed up with some pilchards who were just being caught in a net. +Stephanie was caught too and became a sardine. She was carefully oiled +and put in a tin, and she was eaten at a picnic near Hampton Court. +But there is every reason to suppose that she was eaten happy, since +in those less exacting circles nobody seemed to mind about her hard +roe, which had been a perpetual bugbear to her in the herring world. + +Meanwhile the remaining three had decided on a career. They were +determined to be fresh herrings. This is of course the highest +ambition of all herrings, though sadly few succeed in attaining it. +One herring in his time plays many parts (SHAKESPEARE); he can seldom +say with confidence what exactly he will be to-morrow; but he can +be fairly certain that it won't be a fresh herring. Of our three +survivors Rupert alone was to win the coveted distinction. He grew +to be a fine boy and was eaten at Hammersmith, where his plump but +delicate roe gave the greatest satisfaction. It was not eaten in the +ordinary humdrum way, but was thickly spread on a piece of buttered +toast, generously peppered, and _devoured_. And when his "wish" was +placed on the kitchen-range, swelled rapidly and burst with a loud +report, his cup of happiness was full. + +Little Foch, alas, failed to fulfil his youthful promise and became a +common bloater. Worse than that, he was bloated too thoroughly and was +almost impossible to eat. Even his lovely roe, the pride of his heart, +became so salt that the Rector of Chitlings finally rejected it with +ignominy, though not before he had consumed so much of it that he had +to drink the whole of his sermon-water before he began to preach. + +But it was Walter, Walter the chronicler, Walter the clever, the +daring, the ambitious, leader in every escapade, adviser in every +difficulty, who was to suffer the crowning humiliation. Walter became +a kipper. If there is one thing that a herring cannot stand it is to +be separated from his roe. Walter's roe was ruthlessly torn from him +and served up separate on toast, with nothing to show that it was +the glorious roe of Walter. It was eaten at the Criterion by a +stockbroker, and it might have been anybody's roe. Meanwhile the +mutilated frame, the empty shell of Walter, was squashed flat in a +wooden box with a mass of others and sold at an auction by the pound. +It broke his heart. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + +LADY'S SLIPPER. + + Country gossips, nodding slow + When the fire is burning low, + Or chatting round about the well + On the green at Ashlins Dell, + With many a timid backward glance + And fingers crossed and eyes askance, + Still tell about the Midmas Day + When Marget Malherb went away. + + "After Midmas Day shall break, + Maidens, neither brew nor bake; + See your house be sanded clean; + Wear no stitch of fairy green; + Go barefoot; wear nor hose nor shoon + From rise of sun to rise of moon; + For the Good People watch and wait + Waiting early, watching late, + For foolish maids who treat with scorn + The mystic rites of Midmas Morn." + + Marget Malherb tossed her head, + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said-- + For she'd new slippers she would wear + To show her lad the pretty pair, + Soft green leather, buckled red-- + "I fear no fairies' charms," she said. + She drew them on and laughed in scorn, + And out she danced on Midmas Morn. + + Nevermore was Marget seen; + But when her lover sought the green + A Fairy Ring was all he found-- + A Fairy Ring on the weeping ground; + And by the hedge a flower grew, + Long and slender, filled with dew, + Green and pointed, ribboned red; + And still you'll find them as I've said. + And Marget comes, so gossips say, + To wear her shoes on Midmas Day. + + * * * * * + +=The Gladiatorial Spirit.= + + "Crossbie would have done better to have shot himself, but he gave + the ball to his partner."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "MILK PRICES UP. + HIGHER CHARGE TO MEET THE COST OF PETROL." + +_Daily Paper_. + +We always thought it was water that they used. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EVERYBODY COULD BE LIKE US" + +BY TAKING "_PLUMPO_" TABLETS. THE SECRET OF STRENGTH AND BEAUTY] + + * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD NEWS FOR WOMEN! + +"Every woman may be beautiful" + +Leonina Robinson + +CONSULTATIONS DAILY APPLY FOR MADAME R'S LATEST BOOK + +MADAME ROBINSON "HOW TO FASCINATE"] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DOCTORS DESPAIRED-- + +AMAZING STATEMENT BY WELL KNOWN LONDON MAN!!! + +Mr. SYD PORKER of 250A GLADSTONE TERRACE TOOTING WRITES + +"..._I AM TWICE THE MAN I WAS_." + +Mr. PORKER (TAKEN FROM LIFE) + +PARKES'S PURPLE PILLS.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: WHY MAKE A SIGHT OF YOURSELF? + +ONE BOTTLE OF "FRIZOLIN" FIXES THE HAIR LIKE GLUE] + + * * * + +[Illustration: DO YOU SUFFER FROM LACK OF BRAINS? + +IF SO--SEND P.O. FOR 2/6 TO + +PROF. X. BOX M. ROOM N. 21 SLOPER'S COURT PECKHAM + +_AND AWAIT RESULTS_. + +"ASTOUNDING!" (PRESS OPINION) + +PROF. X. THE MAN WHO HAS REVOLUTIONISED MEDICAL SCIENCE.] + + * * * + +[Illustration: CECILIA BLOBS ROBES] + + * * * + +THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF BEAUTY IN ART. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bored Spectator_. "'ERE, NOT SO MUCH OF THE +CA-CANNY."] + + * * * * * + + +A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS. + +It is without doubt the most expensive hotel on the front, and the +palatial dining-room in which we have just lunched is furnished and +decorated in that sumptuously luxurious style to which only wealth, +untrammelled by art, is able to attain. Personally I cannot afford to +take my meals at such places, and I know that the same holds good of +my fellow-guest, Charteris. Charteris was the best scholar of our +year at Oriel, and since his demobilisation he and his wife have been +living in two rooms, except during the periods when their son joins +them for his holidays from Winchester. But our host is still possessed +of an obstinate wealth which even the War has done little to diminish, +and, as he himself puts it, is really grateful to those of his old +friends who will help him in public to support the ignominy. + +At the moment, having finished lunch, we have betaken ourselves to +wicker-chairs in the porch, and Charteris and our host being deep in a +golf discussion I venture once more to turn a covert attention to the +exceedingly splendid couple who have just followed us out from the +dining-room. I noticed them first on my arrival, when they were just +getting out of their Rolls-Royce, and the admiration which I then +conceived for them was even further enhanced during lunch by a near +view of the lady's diamonds and of the Cinquevalli-like dexterity +shown by her husband in balancing a full load of peas on the concave +side of a fork. At present the man, somewhat flushed with champagne, +is smoking an enormous cigar with a red-and-gold band round it, while +the lady, her diamonds flashing in the sunshine, leans back in her +chair and regards with supercilious eyes the holiday crowds that +throng the pavement below. + +Following her glance my attention is suddenly arrested by the strange +behaviour of two passers-by, who have stopped in the middle of the +pavement and, after exchanging some excited comments, are staring +fixedly towards us. From their appearance they would seem to be a +typical husband and wife of the working-class on holiday, and it +occurs to me that, given the clothes and the diamonds, they might well +be occupying the wicker-chairs of the couple opposite. Evidently the +sight of somebody or something in the hotel porch has excited +them greatly, for they continue to stare up at us with a hostile +concentration that renders them quite unconscious of the frantic +efforts of the small child who accompanies them to tug them towards +the beach. After a moment they exchange a few more quick words, and +the man leaves his companion and makes his way towards us. Ascending +the hotel steps with an air of great determination he comes to a halt +before the couple opposite. + +"'Ere, I've bin lookin' for you," he begins accusingly. + +The Rolls-Royce owner takes the cigar from his mouth and gazes in +astonishment at the accusing apparition before him. + +"A hour ago," pursues the newcomer relentlessly, "you was driving +along the front here in the whackin' great car. It ain't no good +denyin' it, 'cos I took the number." + +"What d'ye mean--denying it?" exclaims Rolls-Royce. "Who's denying +anythink?" + +"It ain't no good tryin' to deny it," retorts the other. "An' it ain't +no good denyin' wot you did neether, 'cos I've got my missus 'ere to +prove it." + +"What I did?" echoes the astonished man. "What did I do?" + +"Ran over my child's b'loon," states the accuser, fixing him with a +pitiless eye. For the moment the object of this serious charge is too +taken aback to be capable of speech. + +"'Ran over my child's b'loon,'" repeats the other inexorably. +"Leastways your chauffer did. An' when we 'ollered out to yer to stop +you just rushed on like a runaway railway-train." + +Rolls-Royce, conscious of the curious gaze of the entire company, +pulls himself together and regards his accuser unfavourably. + +"First I've 'eard of it," he growls. "Where was the balloon anyway? In +the road, I s'pose?" + +"Yes, it _was_ in the road," retorts the other defiantly, "where +it's got every right to be. Road's there for the convenience of +b'loon-fliers just as much as for motor-cars. More." + +"Look 'ere, that's enough of it," says the car-owner harshly. "If +the balloon got run over it's yer own fault for letting it go in the +road." + +"That's a nice way to talk," suddenly comes in shrill tones from the +woman below, who has edged her way to the foot of the steps. "We don't +go buyin' balloons for you to run over in yer cars. We're respectable +people, we are, an' we work for our livin'." + +"Drivin' about in a car like an express train, runnin' over other +people's b'loons," corroborates her husband bitterly. "Wot country +d'yer think yer in? Prussia?" + +By this time a small crowd has gathered on the pavement and is gazing +up at the protagonists with ghoulish interest. The lady in the +diamonds, a prey to mingled indignation and alarm, has leant towards +her spouse and is whispering to him urgently, but he shakes her off +with an impatient movement. + +"Not on yer life," he snaps. "They won't get a cent out o' me." + +"Ho, won't we!" exclaims his accuser hotly. "We'll soon see about +that. We're English people, we are--we don't allow people to go about +destroyin' our b'loons." + +"No wonder they're so rich," cries the woman at the bottom of +the steps in satirical tones. "That's the way to get rich, that +is--destroyin' other people's prop'ty an' then refusin' to pay for it. +Anybody could get rich that way." + +Reflections on the feasibility of this novel financial scheme are cut +short by the appearance at the top of the steps of the hotel porter, +who touches the originator of the disturbance on the shoulder. + +"Come on, you're not allowed up 'ere, you know," he observes. + +"Ho, ain't I?" retorts the man defiantly. "Is this Buckingham Pallis?" + +"You can't come up 'ere unless you've got business in the 'otel," +states the porter unmoved. + +"So I 'ave got bisness 'ere," declares the other. "Bisness c'nected +with my son's b'loon." + +"An' we don't leave 'ere till it's settled, neither," cries the lady +on the pavement. "'Alf-a-crown that balloon cost, an' we don't budge +from 'ere till we get it." + +This is altogether too much for the owner of the Rolls-Royce. + +"'Alf-a-crown?" he explodes and turns indignantly to the company. +"'Alf-a-crown for a child's balloon, and _then_ they go on strike." + +Derisive cheers and counter-cheers go up from the crowd below as the +incensed balloon-owner bursts forth into an impassioned defence of his +inalienable right as a free-born Briton to strike or to buy half-crown +balloons as the spirit moves him. Simultaneously the lady in the +diamonds rises and, producing a coin from her gold bag, holds it with +a superb gesture at arm's length beneath his nose. For a moment or two +he pays no attention to her, then takes the coin impatiently with the +air of one brushing aside an irritating interruption and continues his +harangue. + +"Come on," puts in the porter; "you've got yer 'alf-crown. S'pose you +move on." + +"Got me 'alf-crown, 'ave I'?" he retorts. "Wot about my rights as a +man? Does 'alf-a-crown buy them?" + +No one venturing to solve this social problem he turns slowly and, +glaring over his shoulder at Rolls-Royce, descends the steps. + +"I'm an Englishman, I am," he concludes from the pavement. "No one +can't close my mouth with 'alf-crowns." + +For a brief space he stands scowling up at the porch as though +challenging all and sundry to perform this feat, then, taking his wife +by the arm, moves off with her and the still insistent child towards +the beach. The crowd on the pavement, regretfully convinced that the +entertainment is at an end, disperses slowly. Rolls-Royce, seemingly +unconscious of the interest of Charteris and our host, who are looking +at him covertly as at some zoological specimen, relights his cigar and +sits glowering across the road, and silence falls upon the scene--a +silence broken at last by the lady in the diamonds, who has resumed +her languid pose in the wicker-chair. + +"'Orrible people!" she observes, addressing the occupants of the porch +generally. "Nice state o' things when you can't even be safe from 'em +in yer own 'otel. You don't seem to be able to get away from these +low-class people hanywhere--you don't reely!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Energetic Motor-Cyclist._ "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU SIT +STILL? YOU'LL HAVE US OVER IN A MINUTE."] + + * * * * * + +40-1920 A.D. + + CALIGULA the man (quite mad, of course) + Conferred the consulship upon his horse. + + Caligula the colt (a trifle saner) + Makes kings of jockey, purchaser and trainer. + + Sanity counts; I raise my cup of massic + Not to the earlier but the later "classic." + + * * * * * + +=Journalistic Modesty.= + + "I was his [Irving's] guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for + a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of + third-rate people." + +_C.K.S. in "The Sphere."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Master._ "TCHA! THIS BACON TASTES SIMPLY BEASTLY." + +_The Mistress._ "GLADYS, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BACON WE SET ASIDE +FOR POISONING THE RATS?"] + + * * * * * + + +FASHION AND PHYSIQUE. + +The heightened stature of women was a favourite topic in +anthropometric circles long before the War. It seems, however, that +they are not going to rest content with their present standard of +altitude, but are invoking the resources of Art to render it even more +conspicuous. We do not speak rashly or without book. _The Evening +News_ announced on September 8th that "Women are to be taller this +autumn." Nature may be in the Fall, but women are on the rise. The +mode by which this effect of elongation--so dear to Art--is to be +attained is described in detail by the Paris correspondent of our +contemporary as follows:-- + +"A fluffy and very high head-dress will be worn this autumn. The +effect is obtained by the aid of pads, and adds some inches to a +woman's stature.... Another type of coiffure is being adopted by some +hairdressers, who leave the hair flat and smooth round the face, and +only make a sort of bird's-nest of the ends, which stand well up so as +to lengthen the profile in an upward direction." + +Nothing, however, is said about the relation of fashion to the +physique of the sterner sex. To correct this omission Mr. Punch +has interviewed a number of West-End tailors, hatters, hosiers and +bootmakers. The results of this inquiry may be briefly summarised. + +Heads are to be larger this autumn, and to keep pace with the +extraordinary development of brain amongst our insurgent youth, as +evidenced by the correspondence in _The Morning Post_, it has been +found necessary to make a radical change in the stock sizes of hats. +But, where there has been no cranial distension, provision will be +made to remedy the defect by the insertion of a cork sheath, by the +aid of which a head of undersized circumference will be able to wear +a No. 8 hat. Again, to meet the needs of customers in whom the +temperature of the cranial region is habitually high, a hat has been +devised with a vacuum lining for the insertion of cold water. The +"Beverley" nickel-plated refrigerating helmet, as it is called, has +already found a large sale amongst Balliol undergraduates. + +As a result of the revival of the "Apes _v._ Angels" controversy, in +which Canon BARNES has taken so prominent a part, and Mr. BOTTOMLEY +has declared himself as a whole-hearted supporter of DARWIN (_vide_ +his article in _The Sunday Pictorial_), hands will be supple and +boneless this autumn, as in fashionable portraits. This reversion to +the prehensile type of hand, so noticeable in the chimpanzee, has its +drawbacks, and the rigidity necessary for certain manual functions, +such as winding up a motor or opening a champagne bottle, will be +furnished by gloves of a stiffer and stronger fabric, ranging from +simulation leatherette to chain-mail. + +Owing to the continued over-crowding of trains, tubes and motor-buses, +elbows will be more prominent and aggressive than ever, and tailors +are building a type of coat calculated to relieve the strain on this +useful joint by a system of progressive padding, soft inside but +resembling a nutmeg-grater at the point of contact with the enemy. + +It only remains to be added that in consequence of the publication of +the Jewish Protocol and other documents pointing to revolutionary and +anarchical Semitic activities, noses will be worn straighter and _a la +Grecque_, and for similar reasons feet will be shorter and with more +uplift in the instep. + + * * * * * + +=A Hot Spell.= + +From a story for boys:-- + +"The heat was so intense that we were perspiring from every paw." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SNOWED UNDER. + +THE ST. BERNARD PUP (_to his Master_). "THIS SITUATION APPEALS TO MY +HEREDITARY INSTINCTS. SHALL I COME TO THE RESCUE?" + +[Before leaving Switzerland Mr. LLOYD GEORGE purchased a St. Bernard +pup.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Futurist to Brother Brush (after along country walk in +search of a subject)._ "THIS IS RATHER JOLLY. WHAT A RELIEF IT IS TO +GET AMONGST THE REAL JAGGED STUFF."] + + * * * * * + + +THE OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE ROCK, SCILLY. + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "'Tis a mighty queer place to be building a home + In the teeth of the gales and the wash of the foam, + With nothing in view but the sea and the sky; + It cannot be cheerful or healthy or dry. + Why don't you go inland and rent a snug house, + With fowls in the garden and blossoming boughs, + Old woman, old woman, old woman?" said I. + + "A garden have I at my hand + Beneath the green swell, + With pathways of glimmering sand + And borders of shell. + There twinkle the star-fish and there + Red jellies unfold; + The weed-banners ripple and flare + All purple and gold. + And have I no poultry? Oh, come + When the Equinox lulls; + The air is a-flash and a-hum + With the tumult of gulls; + They whirl in a shimmering cloud + Sun-bright on the breeze; + They perch on my chimneys and crowd + To nest at my knees, + And set their dun chickens to rock on the motherly + Lap of the seas." + + "Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I, + "It sounds very well, but it cannot be right; + This must be a desolate spot of a night, + With nothing to hear but the guillemot's cry, + The sob of the surf and the wind soughing by. + Go inland and get you a cat for your knee + And gather your gossips for scandal and tea, + Old woman, old woman, old woman," said I. + + "No amber-eyed tabby may laze + And purr at my feet, + But here in the blue summer days + The seal-people meet. + They bask on my ledges and romp + In the swirl of the tides, + Old bulls in their whiskers and pomp + And sleek little brides. + Yet others come visiting me + Than grey seal or bird; + Men come in the night from the sea + And utter no word. + Wet weed clings to bosom and hair; + Their faces are drawn; + They crouch by the embers and stare + And go with the dawn + To sleep in my garden, the swell flowing over them + Like a green lawn." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +=Labour Leaders on the Links.= + +Under a photograph in a London evening paper runs the following +legend:-- + + "Mr. John Hodge and another official of the Iron and Steel + Founders Union enjoy a game of golf after the Trade Union Congress + at Portsmouth adjourns for the day. Our picture shows Mr. John + Hodge Putting." + +Some idea of the forceful and unconventional methods of our Labour +leaders may be gathered from the attitude of Mr. JOHN HODGE, whose +club is raised well over his shoulder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner._ "SORR, I OBJECT TO MR. CLANCY SERVIN' ON +THE JURY." + +_Mr. Clancy._ "BEDAD, AN' FOR WHY, MICHAEL? I'M _FOR_ YEZ!"] + + * * * * * + + +THE TAXATION OF VIRTUE. + +"I shall wait," said Peter, "till they send me the final notice." + +"Being his wife," said Hilda to me, "I am in a position to know that +he will not. In another week he will pay, saying that the thought of +income-tax has affected his nerves and that he can bear it no longer. +He wobbles like this for six weeks twice a year, and meanwhile his +family starves." + +"Under our system of taxation," Peter retorted, "the innocent must +suffer." + +"It falls alike on the just and the unjust," I interposed. "How else +would you have it?" + +"Naturally I would have it fall on the unjust alone," he replied. + +"Why not on the just alone?" I asked, suddenly aware of the birth of +an idea. + +"Of course you want exemption." + +"You miss my point. You grant that taxation is necessary?" + +"For the sake of argument," said Peter, "I grant that, with +reservations." + +"Since then there must be taxes, why not have taxes that it would be a +pleasure to pay? The current taxes are not a pleasure to pay." + +"I grant that," said Peter, "without reservations." + +"Now there is only one sort of tax that I can imagine anybody paying +gladly, and that would be a tax on his virtues." + +"Still hankering after your own exemption," growled Peter. + +"Leave me out of account. Take, by preference, yourself. You have +virtues and are proud of them." + +Hilda intervened, as I had anticipated. "The pride is admitted," said +she, "but as for the assessment value of the virtues----" + +"Never mind that. You are proud of your virtues"--I turned to Peter +again--"yet you are sometimes troubled, like the rest of us, by a fear +that you may not really possess them after all. But the assessment +of your virtues by the Board of Inland Revenue would prove their +existence to yourself and to all the world." + +"Except his wife," said Hilda. + +"Her evidence would not be accepted. If you had paid taxation for the +possession of a virtue, the receipt would be a guarantee that you did +possess that particular virtue, and it would consequently be a source +of profound moral satisfaction to you. You would pay with pleasure. +Besides, it is a poor kind of virtue that will not abide a test. The +tax would be a test. Suppose that five pounds was levied upon you for +honesty. If you refused to pay how could you ever again claim to +be honest? You would be marked as not valuing your honesty at five +pounds. No, you would pay and pay readily." + +My words were addressed to Peter, but Hilda seemed the more +interested. "It sounds well, but how would you raise the money?" she +asked. + +"That would depend on the virtue," I replied. "The sobriety tax, for +example, would be levied on anyone who had not for some years been +convicted of drunkenness." + +"But how about the virtues that you don't get fined for not +having--truthfulness, unselfishness, kindheartedness and all those?" + +"I admit that would be difficult. Can you suggest anything?" I asked +Peter. + +"No," he answered. "I'm not encouraging your rotten idea anyhow." + +"Could the revenue officials feel people's bumps?" inquired Hilda +reflectively. + +"I'm afraid," I said, "people wouldn't stand it. Fancy Peter----" + +"I've got it," said Hilda. "The revenue officials would attribute a +virtue to the taxpayer, and if he wanted to escape taxation they would +require him to prove to them that he lacked the virtue in question." + +"They would like doing that," muttered Peter. + +"You have found the solution," I said to Hilda. "If you impute to a +person a virtue he does not possess he probably denies that he has it, +but he is really flattered and his denial is not sincere. He would be +willing to pay on it; he would rather pay than not." + +At this point Peter grew tired of refraining from comment. "I don't +want you to suppose," he said, "that I am taking any interest in your +fatuous scheme, but doesn't it occur to you that under your system it +would be simply ruinous to have any virtues at all, and that the only +people who would flourish would be those who had no virtues and were +not ashamed of it?" + +"For one thing," I replied confidently, "the taxes would be graduated +in the ordinary way in accordance with means. The slightest flicker of +a conscience in Park Lane would be more heavily mulcted than the most +blameless life in Bermondsey. But the main point is that under my +system taxation would become the measure of a man's moral worth, and +people who did not pay taxes would be simply out of it. All the +plums would go the highly-taxed men. Their tax receipts would be +certificates of character, and the more they earned the more the +Treasury would be able to get out of them. So far from dodging +taxation, people would scramble to pay it." + +"But how," asked Hilda, "would you make the tax receipt a trustworthy +testimonial? Your rich man with one virtue would have a better receipt +than your poor one with ten." + +"The virtues taxed would be shown on the receipt," I replied. +"Besides, poor and virtuous men would, as I have suggested, get an +abatement on their virtue taxes, and the amount of the abatement would +be shown on the receipt. So it could easily be seen what proportion a +man was paying on his wealth and what on his virtues." + +"Look here," said Peter, aroused at last, "do you convey that the +tobacco duty would be paid by people who didn't smoke?" + +"It would amount to that," I answered, "assuming that abstention from +tobacco were counted a virtue." + +"There may be something in it after all," said Peter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fisherman._ "THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH, BUT YOU'VE GOT +TO FISH DRY TO CATCH THEM." + +_American Friend._ "SAY, YOU MAKE ME REAL HOMESICK."] + + * * * * * + + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE CHAMELEON. + + The chameleon changes his colour; + He can look like a tree or a wall; + He is timid and shy and he hates to be seen, + So he simply sits down in the grass and goes green, + And pretends he is nothing at all. + + I wish I could change my complexion + To purple or orange or red; + I wish I could look like the arm of a chair + So nobody ever would know I was there + When they wanted to put me to bed. + + I wish I could be a chameleon + And look like a lily or rose; + I'd lie on the apples and peaches and pears, + But not on Aunt Margaret's yellowy chairs-- + I should have to be careful of those. + + The chameleon's life is confusing; + He is used to adventure and pain; + But if ever he sat on Aunt Maggie's cretonne + And found what a curious colour he'd gone, + I don't think he'd do it again. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +THAT TEA INTERVAL. + +Before the last ball of 1920 is bowled and the last wicket in a +first-class match falls (as will most probably happen at the Oval this +very afternoon, September 15th), I should like to let the Gods of +the Game know how I propose to spend the following winter in their +interests, so that when the season of 1921 is with us the happiness of +the cricket spectator may be even greater than it has been in the one +now expiring. + +I am going to devote the time to invention. With every grain of +intellect and ingenuity that I can scrape together I am going to +devise a means of humanising the tea interval. + +Once upon a time I was so rash as to ridicule this interruption. I +drew attention to the fact that the ancient heroes of the game had +been able to dispense with it. ALFRED MYNN needed no Asiatic stimulant +between lunch and the close of play. Even such whole-hearted moderns as +HORNBY and SHREWSBURY and GRACE managed to do well without the support +of Hyson or Bohea. For more than a century cricket and tea were +strangers and cricket did not suffer. And so on. But the attacks were +futile: the tea interval became an institution; and nothing now, one +realises, can ever occur to separate the gallant fellows from their +cups and saucers. + +That being accepted, the problem is how to make the interval at once +less harmful to the match and more tolerable to the lover of cricket; +and it is on this problem that I have been working and intend to work +through the arid football months. What has to be done is (_a_) to get +the interval abbreviated; and (_b_) to keep the players on the field. +It is the length of it and the empty pitch that are so depressing +to the spectator, and it is the return to the pavilion that is so +detrimental to the rhythm of the game. Neither of the batsmen ever +wants the interruption, and I have often noticed a reluctance in +certain members of the fielding side. As for the watchers, they never +fail to groan. + +Still, as I have said, it is now recognised that the craving for tea +is as much a part of the present-day game as the six-ball over, and +the time has passed for censuring it. But something can be done to +regulate it; and I have based my efforts towards a solution on the +argument that, if a cricketer is not called in from the game to read +his telegram, but (as we have all seen so often) the telegram is +taken out to him, surely the precious fluid that he so passionately +desiderates can be taken out to him too. At present, therefore, all +my thoughts are turned upon the construction of some kind of wheeled +waggon, such as is in use at a well-known restaurant in the Strand, on +which fifteen cups (two for the umpires) and an urn and sugar and milk +can be conveyed, with the concomitant bread-and-butter, or shrimps or +meringues, or whatever is eaten with the tea, on a lower shelf. This +could be pushed on to the ground at 4.15 and pushed back again at +4.20 without any serious injury to the match. That is my idea at the +moment; but I am a poor mechanic and should be glad if some properly +qualified person--someone with a HEATH ROBINSON mind--would take the +work over. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + +IN THE MOVEMENT. + +How I came to be able to understand the language of trees is a secret. +But I do understand it. It is my peculiar privilege to overhear all +kinds of whispered conversation--green speech in green shades--as I +take my rest underneath the boughs on a country walk. Some day I shall +set down fully the result of these leaves-droppings, but at the moment +I want to tell only of what I heard some blackberry bushes saying last +week. + +"From what I hear," said the first bush, "the cost of everything's +going up by leaps and bounds." + +"How is that?" asked one of its neighbours. + +"It's due, I understand," the first bush replied, "partly to scarcity +of labour and partly to profiteering." + +"I don't see why we shouldn't participate," said another bush. "Here +we are, covered with fruit, and it's all just as free as ever it was. +That's absurd, after a big war. The duty of a war is to make things +dearer and remove freedom." + +"Of course," said the others. + +"'Your blackberries will cost you more'--that should be our motto," +said the first bush. "We must be up to date." + + * * * * * + +A few days later, after one of our infrequent post-bellum gleams of +sunshine, I met the Lady of the White House and all her nice children +returning from a day's blackberrying. They showed me their +baskets with a proper pride, and I was suitably enthusiastic and +complimentary. + +"But do look at our poor hands and arms and our torn frocks!" said the +lady. "We've picked blackberries here year after year, but we've never +been so badly scratched before. It's extraordinary. I can't account +for it." + +I could, though. + + * * * * * + + +THE MOON-SELLER. + + A man came by at night with moons to sell; + "Moons old and new," he cried; + I hurried when I heard him call for me; + He set his basket on the wall for me + That I might see inside + And watch the little moons curl up and hide. + + Each one he touched rang softly like a bell; + He pointed out to me + Great harvest moons with russet light in them, + Pale moons to gleam where snows grow white in them, + Red moons for victory, + And steadfast moons for men in ships at sea. + + The man who came with many moons to sell + Opened his basket wide; + Showed me the filmy crescent moons in it, + And the piled discs (like silver spoons) in it + That push and pull the tide, + And small sweet honey-moons to give a bride. + + "This moon," he said, "you will remember well; + Its price is wealth untold;" + Took a camp-moon he vowed he stole for me + And softly wrapped to keep it whole for me. + I heaped his feet with gold; + He changed, and said the moon might not be sold. + + Then I was angry that with moons to sell + He thought he had the right + To keep that one. Those who were lent to us + Had written the brief notes they sent to us + When it shone out at night. + I caught it to my heart and held it tight. + + * * * * * + + "Twenty Students Require clean, respectable Board-Residence; would + not object to Share Bed."--_Provincial Paper._ + +They should have lived in the days of Og, the King of Basan; his +bedstead _was_ a bedstead. + + * * * * * + + "Calcutta. + + During the past few weeks several parties of Afghan merchants and + traders have settled up their affairs and come into India. In + order to avoid being questioned by British poets in the + Khyber, they have entered this country by way of the Sissobi + pass."--_Indian Paper._ + +Some of our poets are notoriously curious, and we are hardly surprised +to learn that the Afghans could not "abide their question." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COCK-AND-BULL STORY.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LANGUAGE DIFFICULTY. + +"The jolly part about an island where there are no towns and no +railways," said Willoughby, "is that you have thrills of excitement as +to where you will sleep next night or eat your next meal. Now when we +land at Lochrie Bay to-morrow it will be nearly lunch-time; but shall +we get lunch?" + +"I can answer that," replied MacFadden, whose grandfather was a +Scotsman, and who was once in Edinburgh for a week; "the map shows +it is only five miles to Waterfoot, and there's sure to be an hotel +there. Those little Scots inns are all right." + +"Yes," chimed in Sylvia, "and very likely there'll be nothing to eat +when we get there. I am thinking of you three men, of course," she +added hastily; "we girls don't want much." + +"As for me," said Willoughby, looking at Sylvia, whom he has adored +dumbly for years, "very little satisfies me. I'm like the fellow who +said, 'a crust of bread, a bottle of wine and you.' You know the chap, +MacFadden." + +"Isn't it wonderful how he remembers his OMAR?" remarked Mac +enthusiastically. + +"I don't know much poetry," said Willoughby, whose tastes are sporting +rather than literary, "but I always liked that bit." + +"But lunch," I interposed, "is the pressing question. There's sure to +be an hotel at Waterfoot, as you say. Send a telegram there, asking +for lunch for six. If there's no hotel, no reply and no lunch. If +there is we get our reply and our lunch. Willoughby can wire, because +he learned all about telegraphs in the army." + +Within two hours came the reply. I opened it. + +"Will supply luncheon for six, 1.15 to-day." + +"Can you remember what your wire said, Willoughby?" I asked mildly. + +"Rather. 'Can you provide luncheon for six at 1.15.--Willoughby.'" + +"Exactly. Can't you see, you silly ass, how you've muffed it? Read +this." Willoughby read, while Sylvia and Molly looked over and +giggled. + +"Hang it all! I suppose I ought to have said to-morrow," he sighed. +"Here, Thompson, you and Hilda, as the married couple of the party, +ought to deal with these beastly emergencies." + +"Not I," I replied. "You've got us in the muddle, now get us out. Wire +and say it's for to-morrow." + +"And then," said my practical wife, "we shall get to-day's hot lunch +cold to-morrow, and a rapacious Scotch-woman will charge us for it +twice over." + +"I wish you would say 'Scots,' not 'Scotch,'" complained MacFadden. + +"Sorry, Kiltie," rejoined Hilda; "and perhaps one of you two will deal +with the Scots woman." + +"Leave her to me and none of you interfere," answered MacFadden. +"Willoughby is no good at a job that needs tact. He's not half as +lovable as I am either. Is he, Molly? We'll send the wire at once. +Come on." + +Next day the steamer dropped us into the ferry-boat off Lochrie Bay, +and our bicycles, more frightened than hurt, but much shaken, were +hurled in after us. After five miles on a primitive road we arrived at +the hotel very late. + +MacFadden, assuring us that if we only kept quiet he would see us +through in spite of any Scots innkeeper, led the way. + +The landlady, a dour woman, appeared. + +"Good morning, Madam," began Mac politely. + +"Will you be Mr. Willoughby?" she replied. + +"No," said Mac truthfully, assuming a puzzled expression. + +"Weel, then," resumed the lady, addressing Sylvia, who happened to be +close behind, "will you be Mrs. Willoughby?" + +Molly sniggered; Sylvia reddened and answered hastily, "No, I won't!" +at which Willoughby sighed audibly. + +"What I wanted to ask you was whether perhaps you could be so kind +as to give us a bit of bread and cheese or something," said Mac +ingratiatingly. "Of course one doesn't expect a proper lunch in these +places without ordering it beforehand." + +"And those that order beforehand dinna come," she replied with some +asperity. "A pairty of six ordered for yesterday then they telegraphs +to say they mean to-day, and now they're no here and the time lang +gone by. I thocht ye were the pairty at first." + +"What a shame!" murmured MacFadden sympathetically. + +"Ay, if they had turned up they should hae had their lunch, and paid +for it too," said the good lady grimly. "Twa days they should hae paid +for. But if ye like ye can eat their lunch for them; it's cauld but +guid." + +So we ate heartily, paid reasonably and went away on good terms with +ourselves and the lady. + +Walking up the steep hill from the hotel I was just behind Willoughby +and Sylvia. He was pushing the two bicycles and explaining something +elaborately. + +"Awfully sorry about that silly woman, Sylvia," he said, "but it's +only their rotten way of talking English. You see, when she says, +'_Will_ you be Mrs. Willoughby?' she really means, '_Are_ you?' It's +not the same as when an Englishman says it. If I said, 'Will you be +Mrs. Willoughby?' that would be different; it would mean--" + +"Yes," interrupted Sylvia rather breathlessly, "that, Tommy dear, +would be plain English, to which I could give a plain answer. I should +say--" + +We had reached the brow of the hill. I mounted my bicycle and hurried +on. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN IN A GOOD MANY +SITUATIONS. HOW MANY MISTRESSES HAVE YOU HAD, ALL TOLD?" + +_Maid._ "FIFTEEN, ALL TOLD--AND ALL TOLD WHAT I THOUGHT OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + + "1,000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER." + + _Daily Paper._ + +A much worse case than that of LEAR'S old man with a beard, who said +it was just as he feared. + + * * * * * + + "For all we know, Helen of Troy's best friends might have said, + 'Helen has style and knows how to make the most of her good + points; but, honest, now, do you think she should have got the + apple?'" + + _Evening Paper._ + +Certainly not. That's why Paris gave it to Aphrodite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, +breaking long silence)._ "THERE--IT'S COME AT LAST! YOU'VE BEEN +TALKING ALL THIS TIME AND I AIN'T HEARD A SINGLE WORD." + +_Second Ancient._ "BAIN'T BIN TALKIN'--BIN CHEWIN'."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Really I think that _Rhoda Drake_ (MURRAY) must be the most +preposterously startling story that I have read for this age. It makes +you feel as if you had had a squib exploded under your chair at a +temperance meeting. After beginning placidly about persons who live in +South Kensington (and are so dull that the author has to fill up +with minute descriptions of their drawing-rooms), somewhere towards +three-quarters through its decorous course it plunges you head over +ears into such tearing melodrama as is comparable only to Episode 42 +of "The Adventures of the Blinking Eye" at a provincial cinema. I +am left asking myself in bewilderment whether Mr. C.H. DUDLEY +WARD, D.S.O., M.C., can have been serious in the affair. As I say, +practically all the early characters are of little or no account, +including _Rhoda_ herself. Indeed, nobody looks like mattering at all, +and the whole tale has, to be frank, taken on a somewhat soporific +aspect, when lo! there enters a lady with a Russian name, no back to +her gown and green face-powder. If I said of this paragon that she +made the story bounce I should still do less than justice to her +amazing personality. Really, she was a herald of revolution, whose +remarkable method was to invite anyone important and obstructive to +her house and make them discontented. It was the work of half-an-hour. +Whether the process was hypnotic, or whether she actually put pepper +in the ice-pudding, I could not clearly make out. But the dreadful +fact remained that, let your patriotism be ever so firm, you had but +to accept one of green-powder's little dinners and next morning you +were as like as not to hurl a stone into 10, Downing Street. As for +the end--! But no, I will stop short of it. + + * * * * * + +Frankly, what pleased me most about _Affinities_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) was its attractive get-up; pleasant, cherry-pie-coloured +boards, swathed in a very daintily-drawn pictorial wrapper, the whole, +as cataloguers say, forming an ideal birthday present for a young +lady, especially one at all apt to discover, however harmlessly, the +affinities that give these five tales their title. As for the stories +themselves, really all that need be said is to congratulate Mrs. MARY +ROBERTS RINEHART on the ingenuity with which she can tell what seems +an obvious intrigue yet keep a surprise in reserve. I suppose it is +because they come to us from America that certain of the episodes turn +upon incidents in the Suffrage struggle, tale-fodder that our own +militant novelists have long happily discarded. Of the others I think +I myself would award the palm to one called "The Family Friend," a +genially cynical little comedy of encouraged courtship, of which the +end seems to be visible from the beginning, but isn't. Altogether, +what I might call a Canute; in other words a book for the deck-chair, +not too absorbing to endanger your shoes, however close you read it to +the advancing wave. + + * * * * * + +I think I should best describe the characteristic quality of +_Four Blind Mice_ (LANE) as geniality. The scene of it is +Burmah--astonishing, when you consider the host of novels about the +rest of India, that so few should employ this equally picturesque +setting--and it is quickly apparent that what Mr. C.C. LOWIS doesn't +know at first hand about Rangoon is not likely to be missed. The +tale itself is a good-humoured little comedy of European and native +intrigue, showing how one section of the populace strove as usual to +ease the white man's burden by flirtation and gossip, and the other +to get the best for themselves by unlimited roguery and chicane. The +whole thing culminates in a trial scene which is at once a delightful +entertainment and (I should suppose) a shrewdly observed study of the +course of Anglo-Burmese justice. I think I would have chosen that Mr. +LOWIS should base his fun on something a little less grim than the +murder and mutilation of a European, or at least Eurasian, lady, even +though the very slight part in the action played by _Mrs. Rodrigues_, +when alive, could hardly be called sympathetic. Still we were all so +good-humoured over her taking-off that for a long time I cherished +a rather dream-like faith in her reappearance to prove that this +attitude had been justified. Not that Mr. LOWIS has not every right to +retort that he is writing comedy rather than farce; certainly he has +made his four blind mice to run in highly diverting fashion, very +entertaining to those of us who see how they run; and as they at +least save their tails triumphantly it would perhaps be ungenerous to +complain about one that doesn't. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Damsel._ "OH, PROFESSOR, CAN YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A +LOVE-POTION? MY MOTHER SAYS IF I WED NOT SOON I MUST E'EN GO FORTH TO +EARN MY LIVING." + +_Alchemist._ "THAT I CAN, MADAM, AND OF TWO KINDS. FIRST, THE +SLOW-WORKING PURPLE SORT IS VERILY CHEAP, BUT DIFFICULT OF +ADMINISTRATION; FOR IN WATER IT IS PLAINLY VISIBLE AND EASY OF +DISCERNMENT IN TEA. WHEREAS MY PATENT POTION, BRINGING LOVE AT FIRST +SIGHT, CLOSELY RESEMBLETH THE MUCH-DESIRED WHISKY. THIS SORT IS ONE +GUINEA PER TOT."] + + * * * * * + +_The Story of the Fourth Army in the Battles of the Hundred Days_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is printed on pages the size of a copy +of _Punch_, and with its accompanying case of maps it costs +eighteen-pence to go through the post. It boasts a hundred full-page +photographs, also sketches, charts, maps, panoramas and diagrams _ad +lib._, a foreword by General Lord RAWLINSON and ten appendices; so +really it seems that the much-abused word "sumptuous" may for once +be fairly applied. The author, Major-General Sir A. MONTGOMERY, who +himself helped to "stage" the battles he writes about, has built up a +record which is in some sense unique, for I think it is possible from +this book to trace precisely where any unit of the Fourth Army was +placed, and what doing, at any given hour during the whole of the +victory march from Amiens to the Belgian frontier. Apart from anything +else it is pleasant to have a book that deals only with the days of +victory; but it must be admitted that, to gain a completeness of +detail so entirely satisfactory to those most nearly concerned, the +writer has had to sacrifice something of human interest, for many of +his pages are little more than a bare chronicle of names and places. +Undoubtedly his book should be read with great deliberation, +constant reference to the maps and a lively recollection of personal +experiences on the spot; but the civilian reader may still be content +to skim the text and save himself for the photographs. These, mostly +taken from the air and of exquisite technical quality, form an amazing +series, in themselves worth the heavy price. And who minds heavy +prices when the proceeds are pledged to the service of wounded +officers? + + * * * * * + +"Rather an anti-climax," I thought when I opened _The Happy Foreigner_ +(HEINEMANN) and found that it purported to tell the experiences of an +English _chauffeuse_ in France after the Armistice; but I know now +that, in any place where ENID BAGNOLD happened to be, there would not +be any anti-climax about. In a style so daring and vivid that it +could only have been born, I suppose, of fast driving, the authoress +describes a romantic affair with a young French officer; but her real +theme is the suffering of France bowed down under the intolerable +burden of so many strangers, both enemies and friends. The rich and +well-fed Americans who will not trouble to understand, the grotesque +Chinamen and Annamites, the starving Russians liberated from the +Germans, flash by, with the ruins of villages, the tangle of wire and +litter of derelict guns; and even the romance, intensely felt though +it is, must be fleeting, like the rest of the nightmare, because the +Frenchman's eyes are set on the future and the rebuilding of his +fortunes. This book is not "about the War," but all the same it is one +of the best books about the War that I have read. + + * * * * * + +_From a Common Room Window_ (OWEN) will be a slight refreshment +to those who are weary of realistic studies of schoolmasters and +schoolboys. "ORBILIUS," during what I take to have been a long career +as a teacher, has not allowed his sense of humour to wither within +him. In a note to his slender volume of sketches he says, "School-life +is largely a comedy. When a schoolmaster ceases to recognise this it +is time for him to 'bundle and go.'" He has been in the main a keen +and sympathetic observer, and though his remarks upon headmasters are +a little severe--personally I should hate to be called "a meticulous +pedagogue"--I do not think that a little criticism of these potentates +will do them the smallest harm. In "The Castigator" "ORBILIUS" gives a +laughable sketch. The inventor of a flogging machine is soundly beaten +by his own instrument, and he would be a sombre man indeed who could +read it without a desire to witness such a chastening performance. +By no means the least merit of this book is that it contains no new +theories about education. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 15, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17654.txt or 17654.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/5/17654/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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