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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+February 14, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 14, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2006 [EBook #17471]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 14th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"We will hold up wheat, we will hold up meat, we will hold up
+munitions of war and we will hold up the world's commerce," says Herr
+BALLIN. Meanwhile his countrymen on the Western front are content to
+hold up their hands.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported from German Headquarters that the KAISER intends to
+confer on Count BERNSTORFF the Iron Cross with white ribbon. This has,
+we understand, caused consternation in official circles, where it is
+felt that after all the Count has done his best for Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are at war," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, a statement which only
+goes to prove that there is nothing hidden from the great minds of
+Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that Mr. HENRY FORD has offered to place his works at the
+disposal of the American authorities seems to indicate that he is
+determined to get America on his side, one way or the other.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. S.F. EDGE, the famous motorist, now on the FOOD CONTROLLER'S
+staff, has given it as his opinion that a simple outdoor life is best
+for pigs. We are ashamed to say that our own preference for excluding
+them from our drawing-room has hitherto been dictated by purely
+selfish motives.
+
+       ***
+
+America is making every preparation for a possible war, and Mexico,
+not to be outdone, has decided to hold a Presidential election.
+
+       ***
+
+It is true that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has visited the Front, but too
+little has, we think, been made of the fact that he wore khaki--just
+like an ordinary person, in fact.
+
+       ***
+
+A sensational story reaches us to the effect that a new journalistic
+enterprise in Berlin is being devoted to the "reliable reporting of
+news." We have always maintained that to be successful in business you
+must strike out on original lines.
+
+       ***
+
+An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage has been opened in the Middle
+Temple Gardens. The authorities are said to be considering an offer
+confidentially communicated to them by the German Government to add
+Count ZEPPELIN as an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage.
+
+       ***
+
+Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club are starting a piggery on their
+course, and an elderly golfer who practises on a common near London is
+about to write to _The Spectator_ to state that on Saturday he started
+a rabbit.
+
+       ***
+
+The American Association for the Advance of Science decided at a
+recent convocation that the ape had descended from man. This statement
+has evoked a very strong protest in monkey circles.
+
+       ***
+
+The tuck-shops of Harrow have been loyally placed out of bounds by
+the boys themselves, though of course these establishments, like the
+playing fields of Eton, had their part in the winning of Waterloo.
+
+       ***
+
+One of our large restaurants is printing on its menus the actual
+weight of meat used in each dish. In others, fish is being put on the
+table accompanied by its own scales.
+
+       ***
+
+We are requested to carry home our own purchases, and one of the
+firms for whom we feel sorry is Messrs. FURNESS, WITHY & COMPANY, of
+Liverpool, who have just purchased Passage Docks, Cork.
+
+       ***
+
+Australia by organising her Commonwealth Loan Group, once again lives
+up to her motto, "Advance, Australia."
+
+       ***
+
+The Coroner of East Essex having set the example of keeping pigs in
+his rose garden, it is rumoured that _The Daily Mail_ contemplates
+offering a huge prize for a Standard Rose-Scented Pig.
+
+       ***
+
+To be in line with many of our contemporaries we are able to state
+definitely that the War is bound to come to an end, though we have not
+yet fixed on the exact date.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE PARKS.
+
+A FORECAST OF NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY.
+
+_Spinster_ (_reads_). "Dearest, meet me by the scarecrow in Hyde
+Park."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AIR-CASTLES.
+
+  When I grow up to be a man and wear whate'er I please,
+  Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed--I will have none of these;
+  For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so Harris-tweed won't do,
+  And fat commercial travellers are dressed in dingy blue;
+  Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and sad souls in the City,
+  But I'll wear Linsey-Woolsey because it sounds so pretty.
+    I don't know what it looks like,
+      I don't know how it feels,
+    But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy
+      Prettily appeals.
+
+  And when I find a lovely maid to settle all my cash on,
+  She will be much too beautiful to need the gauds of fashion.
+  No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or crêpe-de-chine
+  Will the maiden of my fancy wear--no chiffon, no sateen,
+  No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of costly price,
+  But she'll be clad in Dimity because it sounds so nice.
+    I don't know what it looks like,
+      I do not know its feel,
+    But a dimpled maid in Dimity
+      Was ever my ideal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST MENU CARD.
+
+    "To-day is one of the great moments of history. Germany's last
+    card is on the table. It is war to the knife. Either she starves
+    Great Britain or Great Britain starves her."
+
+    _Mr. Curtin in "The Times."_
+
+Mr. CURTIN has lost a great chance for talking of "War to the
+knife-and-fork." Possibly he was away in Germany at the time when this
+_jeu d'esprit_ was invented.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Canadian papers are unanimous that the German peace proposals
+    are premature, and will be refused saskatoon."
+
+    _Examiner_ (_Launceston, Tasmania_).
+
+We had not heard before that Germany had asked for Saskatoon, but
+anyway we are glad she is not going to get it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a schoolgirl's essay:--
+
+    "The Reconnaissance was the time when people began to wake up ...
+    Friar Jelicoe was a very great painter; he painted angles."
+
+Probably an ancestor of the gallant gentleman who recently had a brush
+with the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS TACTICS.
+
+  Were I a burglar in the dock
+    With every chance of doing time,
+  With Justice sitting like a rock
+    To hear a record black with crime;
+  If my conviction seemed a cert,
+    Yet, by a show of late repentance,
+  I thought I might, with luck, avert
+    A simply crushing sentence;--
+
+  I should adopt, by use of art,
+    A pensive air of new-born grace,
+  In hope to melt the Bench's heart
+    And mollify its awful face;
+  I should not go and run amok,
+    Nor in a fit of senseless fury
+  Punch the judicial nose or chuck
+    An inkpot at the jury.
+
+  So with the Hun: you might assume
+    He would exert his homely wits
+  To mitigate the heavy doom
+    That else would break him all to bits;
+  Yet he behaves as one possessed,
+    Rampaging like a bull of Bashan,
+  Which, as I think, is not the best
+    Means of conciliation.
+
+  For when the wild beast, held and bound,
+    Ceases to plunge and rave and snort,
+  The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound
+    Remarks on this contempt of court;
+  The plea for mercy, urged too late,
+    Should prove a negligible cipher,
+  And when the sentence seals his fate
+    He'll get at least a lifer.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The KAISER and Count BERNSTORFF._)
+
+_The Kaiser_ (_concluding a tirade_). And so, in spite of my
+superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to. Germany is
+smacked in the face in view of the whole world--yes, I repeat it, is
+smacked in the face, and by a nation which is not a nation at all, but
+a sweeping together of the worst elements in all the other nations,
+a country whose navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist; and
+you, Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence and tell
+me that, with the careful instructions given to you by my Government
+and by myself, you were not able to prevent such an end to the
+negotiations? It is a thing that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even
+I, who have learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern my
+temper--even I feel strangely moved, for I know how deplorable will be
+the effect of this on our Allies and on the other neutral Powers.
+Our enemies, too, will be exalted by it and thus the War will be
+prolonged. No, Count, at such a moment one does not appear before
+one's Emperor with a smiling face.
+
+_Count B._ God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who have a
+smiling face. At such a moment there could be no reason for it. But
+your Majesty will remember, in justice to myself, that I have not
+ceased to warn your Majesty from the very beginning that unless
+something actual and definite was conceded to the feeling of the
+United States trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment
+of Belgium--
+
+_The Kaiser_. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the Belgians. No
+more ungrateful race has ever infested the earth. Besides, did I not
+say that my heart bled for Louvain?
+
+_Count B._ The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad taste not to
+believe you. It was in vain that I spread those gracious words of
+yours broadcast throughout the land. They only laughed at your
+Majesty.
+
+_The Kaiser_. Yes, I know they did, curse them.
+
+_Count B._ Then there came the deplorable sinking of the _Lusitania_.
+
+_The Kaiser_. Oh, don't speak to me of the _Lusitania_. I'm sick to
+death of the very name. Besides, how do you dare to call her sinking
+deplorable? I authorised it; that ought to be enough for you and for
+everybody else.
+
+_Count B._ I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said "deplorable" I was
+alluding not so much to the act itself as to its effect on opinion in
+the United States. From that moment the Americans stiffened in their
+attitude towards us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable.
+I warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your Majesty
+preferred to disregard what I said.
+
+_The Kaiser_. And have you any complaint to make? Is your opinion of
+yourself so high that one may not without sacrilege disregard your
+opinion?
+
+_Count B._ Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not infallible, not
+being an Emperor, but I happen in this case to have been right. And
+then on the top of all the other things comes the Note announcing the
+new under-sea policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans
+to be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a certain
+way. No, really, with a proud nation--
+
+_The Kaiser_. Proud! A race of huckstering money-grubbers.
+
+_Count B._ With a proud nation--I must repeat it, your Majesty--such
+a course must lead straight to war. But perhaps that was what your
+advisers wanted, though I cannot see why they should want it. But for
+myself I must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what has
+come to pass. There is perhaps yet time to undo the mischief.
+
+_The Kaiser_. No, it is too late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS OTHERS SEE US.
+
+The General Officer Commanding, as he appears to:
+
+(1) _His Chief of Staff_.--The one insuperable obstacle to tactical
+triumphs such as CÆSAR and NAPOLEON never knew.
+
+(2) _His youngest A.D.C._--A perpetual fountain of unsterilized
+language.
+
+(3) _Certain Subalterns_.--The greatest man on earth.
+
+(4) _Tommy Atkins_.--A benevolent old buffer in scarlet and gold who
+periodically takes an inexplicable interest in Tommy's belt and brass
+buttons. An excuse for his sergeant's making him present arms.
+
+(5) _The British Public_.--A name in the newspapers.
+
+(6) _Himself_.--(_a_) Before dinner: An unfortunate, overworked and
+ill-used old man. (_b_) After dinner: England's hope and Sir WILLIAM
+ROBERTSON'S right hand.
+
+(7) _His Wife_.--A very lovable, but helpless, baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his school:--
+
+    "A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials
+    talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the
+    famines set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes
+    of agriculturists, the major portion of the supporters of the ----
+    school. The puffs of misery bleached white the flush of early and
+    latter times; dinner-hours grew few and far between; and with the
+    Sun of Loaf sank all wakefulness to light and culture."
+
+This last feature sounds a little like Berlin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATIONAL SERVICE.
+
+JOHN BULL. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE,
+AND I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT TO SPARE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW THIS EGG GOT PAST THE FOOD CONTROLLER I CAN'T
+IMAGINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE DICTATORS.
+
+(_Being a tragedy of the moment and incidentally a guide to the art of
+handing out correspondence to the typist._)
+
+I.
+
+There are, of course, as many styles of dictating letters as there
+are of writing them; but three stand out. One is the Indignant
+Confidential; one the Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense
+Efficient. Bitter experience in three orderly London houses only a day
+or so ago chances to have led to such complete examples of each of
+these styles that the reader has the felicity of acquiring at the same
+time a valuable insight into business methods and a glimpse of what
+Nature in the person of Jack Frost can do with even the best regulated
+of cities.
+
+We will take first the Hesitant Tactful, where the typist is not
+merely considered as a human being but invited to become an ally. The
+dictator is Mr. Vernon Crombie.
+
+"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter I want to dictate and get off
+by hand at once, because my house isn't fit to live in through burst
+pipes. The plumbers promised to send yesterday, but didn't, and to-day
+they can't come, it seems, and really it's most serious. Ceilings
+being ruined, you know. The bore is that there aren't any other
+plumbers that I know of, and one is so at the mercy of these people
+that we must go very delicately. You understand. We mustn't say a word
+to set their backs up any higher than they already are. Anger's no
+good in this case. Here we must be tactful, and I want you to help me.
+I knew you would.
+
+Now we'll begin. _To Messrs. Morrow & Hope. Dear Sirs,--I hate_--no,
+that's a little too strong, perhaps--_I much dislike_--that's
+better--_I much dislike to bother you at a time when I know you must
+be overworked in every direction_--you see the idea, don't you? What
+we've got to do is to get on their soft side. It's no use bullyragging
+them; understanding their difficulties is much better. You see that,
+don't you? Of course; I knew you would. Now then. Where was I?
+Oh yes--_overworked in every direction; but if, as you promised
+yesterday, but unfortunately were unable_--I think that's good, don't
+you? Much better than saying that they had broken their promise--_to
+manage, you could spare a man to attend to our pipes without further
+delay_--I think you might underline _without further delay_. Would
+that be safe, I wonder? Yes, I think so--_I should be more than
+grateful._ And now there's a problem. What I have been pondering is if
+it would be wise to offer to pay an increased charge. I'd do anything
+to get the pipes mended, but, on the other hand, it's not a sound
+precedent. A state of society in which everyone bid against everyone
+else for the first services of the plumber would be unbearable. Only
+the rich would ever be plumbed, and very soon the plumbers would be
+the millionaires. Perhaps we had better let the letter go as it is?
+You think so and I think so. Very well then, just _Believe me, yours
+faithfully_, and I'll sign it."
+
+And now the Indignant and Confidential. Mr. Horace Bristowe is
+dictative: "Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now I've got trouble with
+the plumbers, and I want to give the blighters--well, I can't say it
+to you, but you know what I mean. There's my house dripping at every
+pore, or rather pouring at every drip--I say, that's rather good; I
+must remember that to tell them this evening. Just put that down on a
+separate piece of paper, will you. Well, here's the place all soaked
+and not a man can I get. They promised to send on Tuesday, they
+promised to send yesterday, and this morning comes a note saying that
+they can't now send till to-morrow. What do you think of that? And
+they have worked for me for years. Years I've been employing them.
+
+"Let's begin, anyway. _To Messrs. Tarry & Knott. Dear Sirs_--No, I'm
+hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous convention! They're not
+dear--except in their charges. I say, that's not bad. No, just put
+_Gentlemen_. But that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen, the swine!
+They're anything but gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers, liars.
+Seriously, Miss Tappit, I ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am I, an
+old customer, with burst pipes doing endless damage, and they can't
+send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you know, it's the limit. I know
+about the War and all that. I make every allowance. But I still say
+it's the limit. Well, we must put the thing in the third person, I
+suppose, if I'm not to call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.' _Mr.
+Horace Bristowe presents his comp_--Good Heavens! he does nothing of
+the kind--_Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to_--Begs! Of course I don't beg.
+This really is becoming idiotic. Can't one write a letter like an
+honest man, instead of all this flunkey business? Begin again: _To
+Messrs. Tarry & Nott. Mr. Horace Bristowe considers that he has been
+treated with a lack of consideration_--no, we can't have 'considers'
+and 'consideration' so near together. What's another word for
+'consideration'?--_treated with a lack of--a lack of_--Well, we'll
+keep 'consideration' and alter 'considers.' Begin again: _Mr. Horace
+Bristowe thinks_--no, that's not strong enough--_believes_--no. Ah,
+I've got it--_Mr. Horace Bristowe holds that he has been treated by
+you with a lack of consideration which_--I wonder if 'which' is better
+than 'that'--_a lack of consideration that, considering his long_--no,
+we can't have 'considering' just after 'consideration'--_that_--no,
+_which--which--in view of his long record as_--What I want to say is
+that it's an infernal shame that after all these years, in which I've
+put business in their way and paid them scores of pounds, they should
+treat me in this scurvy fashion, that's what I mean. The swine! I tell
+you, Miss Tappit, it's infamous. I--(and so on).
+
+The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman, so clear-headed and capable
+that it is his continual surprise that he is not in the Cabinet
+without the preliminary of an election, handles his correspondence
+very differently. He presses a button for Miss Pether. She is really
+Miss Carmichael, but it is a rule in this model office that the typist
+takes a dynastic name, and Pether now goes with the typewriter, just
+as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and
+pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up
+with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and
+knowledge of her attainments.
+
+"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen
+comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man
+yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing
+both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in
+reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at
+once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance
+cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to
+pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your
+employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job
+priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am
+comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy
+to get a taxi."
+
+II.
+
+None of the plumbers sent any men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BROTHERS TINGO, WHO ARE EXEMPTED FROM MILITARY
+SERVICE, DO THEIR BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ARE GOING ON THE
+LAND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a
+    light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish
+    Times._
+
+We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.
+
+II.
+
+  Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair,
+    Belgravia's Winter Greens;
+  None so nicely as _they_ fare
+    Save Cox's Kidney Beans;
+  Mustard-and-Cress in boxes,
+    Greens in the jardinière,
+  And a trellis of Beans at Cox's,
+    Facing Trafalgar Square.
+
+  Lady Biffington's daughters
+    Are mulching the Greens with Clay;
+  Lady Smiffington waters
+    The Mustard-and-Cress all day;
+  And Cox's cashiers (those oners!)
+    Are feeling extremely rash,
+  For they're pinching the tips of the Runners
+    As they never would pinch your cash.
+
+  Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard,
+    The Cress is hardy and hale;
+  Belgravia's housemaids dust hard
+    To keep the dust from the Kale;
+  But Cox's cashiers look solemn,
+    For their Beans (which sell by the sack)
+  Would cover the Nelson Column
+    If they didn't keep pinching them back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WEATHER AT HEALTH RESORTS.
+
+                            Temp.
+             Sunshine.   Max.  Min.     Weather.
+Felixstowe      0.0       22    29     Some snow."
+
+_Morning Paper._
+
+And some thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PETHERTON'S DONKEY;
+
+OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY.
+
+I hadn't had a letter-writing bout with Petherton for some time, and,
+feeling in need of a little relaxation, I seized the opportunity
+afforded by Petherton's installing a very noisy donkey in his paddock
+adjoining my garden, and wrote to him as follows:--
+
+DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I do not like making complaints against a
+neighbour, as you know, but the new tenant of your field does not seem
+to argue a good selection on your part, unless his braying has a more
+soothing effect on you than it has on me.
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+  HARRY J. FORDYCE.
+
+I was evidently in luck, as I drew Petherton's literary fire at once.
+
+SIR (he wrote),--I should have thought that you would have been the
+last person in the world to object to this particular noise. Allow
+me to inform you that I purchased the donkey for several family and
+personal reasons which cannot possibly concern you.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+I translated this letter rather freely for my own ends, and replied:--
+
+DEAR PETHERTON,--I apologise. I had no idea that the animal was in any
+way connected with your family. If it is a poor relation I must say
+you are fortunate in being able to fob him (or should it be her?)
+off so easily, as he (or she) appears to live a life of comparative
+luxury, at little cost, I should imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad
+to know whether the animal, in exercising its extraordinary vocal
+powers, is calling for his (or her) mate, or merely showing off for
+the amusement of your fascinating poultry who share its pleasaunce.
+
+Can't you possibly fit the brute with a silencer, as the noise it
+makes is disturbing, especially to me, my study window being very
+close to the hedge?
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+  HARRY FORDYCE.
+
+P.S.--I am thinking of laying down a bed of poisoned carrots for early
+use. Perhaps with your chemical knowledge you can suggest an effective
+top-dressing for them.
+
+Petherton rose to the bait and wrote--the same night--as follows:--
+
+SIR,--In your unfortunate correspondence with me you have always shown
+yourself better at rudeness than repartee. Did you not learn at school
+the weakness of the _tu quoque_ line of argument? You speak of your
+study window being near my field. The name "study" suggests literary
+efforts. Is it in your case merely a room devoted to the penning of
+senseless and impertinent letters to unoffending neighbours, who have
+something better to do than waste their time reading and answering
+them? I hope this letter will be the last one I shall find it
+necessary to write to you.
+
+_Re_ your postscript. Try prussic acid, but pray do not confine it to
+the toilets of your carrots. A few drops on the tongue would, I am
+sure, make you take a less distorted view of things, and you would
+cease to worry over such trifles as the braying of a harmless animal.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+Of course I simply had to reply to this, but made no reference to
+the _tu quoque_ question. He had evidently failed to grasp, or had
+ignored, the rather obvious suggestion in the last few words of my
+first letter on the subject. I wrote:--
+
+MY DEAR CHAP,--Thanks so much for your prompt reply and valuable
+information about prussic acid. There was, however, one omission in
+the prescription. You didn't say on whose tongue the acid should be
+placed. If you meant on the donkey's it seems an excellent idea. I'll
+try it, so excuse more now, as the chemist's will be closed in a few
+minutes.
+
+  Yours in haste,
+  HARRY F.
+
+Petherton was getting angry, and his reply was terse and venomous:--
+
+SIR,--Yes, I did mean the donkey's. It will cure both his stupid
+braying and his habit of writing absurd and childish letters.
+
+But if you poison _my_ donkey it will cost you a good deal more than
+you will care to pay, especially in war-time.
+
+It is a pity you're too old for the army; you might have been shot by
+now.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+I had now got on to my fourth speed, and dashed off this reply:--
+
+DEAR FREDDY,--I like you in all your moods, but positively adore you
+when you are angry. As a matter of fact I am very fond of what are so
+absurdly known as dumb animals, and am glad now that the chemist's was
+closed last night before I decided whether to go there or not. BALAAM
+himself would have been proud to own your animal. It roused me from
+my bed this morning with what was unmistakably a very fine asinine
+rendering of the first few bars of "The Yeoman's Wedding," but
+unfortunately it lost the swing of it before the end of the first
+verse.
+
+  Yours as ever,
+  HARRY.
+
+Petherton gave up the contest; but I let him have a final tweak after
+seeing the announcement of his splendid and public-spirited action to
+help on the War Food scheme.
+
+DEAR OLD BOY (I wrote),--How stupid you must have thought me all this
+time! Only when I learnt from the paragraph in this morning's _Surbury
+Examiner_ that, in response to the suggestion of the Rural District
+Council, you have lent your field to the poor people of the
+neighbourhood for growing War Food did I realise the meaning of the
+dulcet-toned donkey's presence in your field.
+
+The growing of more food at the present time is an absolute necessity,
+but it was left to you to discover this novel method of proclaiming to
+Surbury that here in its midst was land waiting to be put to really
+useful purpose.
+
+I do not know which to admire the more, your patriotism or the
+ingenuity displayed in your selection of so admirable a mouthpiece
+from among your circle of friends.
+
+  Yrs.,
+  H.
+
+Petherton has left it at that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVIII.
+
+BAYSWATER.
+
+  The Bays came down to water--
+    Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!
+  And there they found the Brindled Mules--
+    Bray! Bray! Bray!
+  "How dare you muddy the Bays' water
+    That was as clear as glass?
+  How dare you drink of the Bays' water,
+    You children of an Ass?"
+
+  "Why shouldn't we muddy your water?
+    Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!
+  Why shouldn't we drink of your water,
+    Pray, pray, pray?
+  If our Sire was a Coster's Donkey
+    Our Dam was a Golden Bay,
+  And the Mules shall drink of the Bays' water
+    Every other day!"
+
+XIX.
+
+KENTISH TOWN.
+
+  As I jogged by a Kentish Town
+    Delighting in the crops,
+  I met a Gipsy hazel-brown
+    With a basketful of hops.
+
+  "You Sailor from the Dover Coast
+    With your blue eyes full of ships,
+  Carry my basket to the oast
+    And I'll kiss you on the lips."
+
+  Once she kissed me with a jest,
+    Once with a tear--
+  O where's the heart was in my breast
+    And the ring was in my ear?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Head of Government Department_ (_in his private room
+in recently-commandeered hotel_). "BOY! BRING SOME MORE COAL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    WAR'S ROMANCES. [Now that fiction is occupying itself so much with
+    military matters, it is necessary to warn the lady novelist--as
+    it used to be necessary in other days to warn her in relation to
+    sport--to cultivate accuracy. There is a constant danger that the
+    popular story will include such passages as follow.]
+
+"Corporal Cuthbert Crewdson," said the Colonel in a kindly voice,
+"your work has been very satisfactory--so much so that I have decided
+to promote you. From to-day you will no longer be Corporal, but
+Lance-Corporal." With a grateful smile our hero saluted and retired to
+draw his lance at the Adjutant's stores.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Darling," cried the handsome young private, "I told the Colonel of
+our engagement, and he said at once I might bring you to tea at our
+Mess any Sunday afternoon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One night, as Private Jones and the Sergeant-major were strolling
+arm-in-arm through the High Street...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Remember," said the old Major, eyeing his eighteen-year-old subaltern
+son with a shrewd affectionate glance, "a little well-placed courtesy
+goes a long way. For instance, if a Sergeant should call you 'Sir,'
+never forget to say 'Sir' to him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Osbert, his cane dangling from his left hand and with Mabel at his
+side, sailed proudly down Oxford Street. Suddenly a Tommy hove in
+sight. At once Osbert passed his stick to his other hand, leaving
+the left one free. The next moment the man was saluting, and Osbert,
+bringing up his left hand in acknowledgment, passed on.
+
+"It is always well to be scrupulously correct in these little
+details," he explained.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mildred, her heart beating rapidly, stood shyly behind the muslin
+curtain as George, looking very gallant in khaki, strode past the
+window with his frog hopping along at his side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sidney Bellairs, apparently so stern and unbending on parade, was
+adored by his men. Often he had been known, when acting as "orderly
+officer" (as the officer is called who has to keep order), to carry
+round with him a light camp-stool, which, with his unfailing charm
+of manner, he would offer to some weary sentry. "There, my boy, sit
+down," he would say, without a trace of condescension.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Debenham succeeded because even in small things he could look
+ahead. "Ethelred," he would say to his batman, "there is to be a
+field-day to-morrow, so see that my haversack, water-bottle and slacks
+are put ready for me in the morning."
+
+"Very good, my lord," the orderly would answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Marmaduke sprang forward. The Hun's bomb, its pin withdrawn, was about
+to explode. Coolly removing his costly gold-and-diamond tie-pin,
+he thrust this substitute into the appointed place in the terrible
+sizzling bomb, and stood back with a little smile. The next moment
+his General stepped towards him and pinned to his breast the Victoria
+Cross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Colonel Blood belonged to the old school--irascible, even explosive,
+but at bottom a heart of gold. Often after thrashing a subaltern with
+his cane for some neglect of duty he would smile suddenly and invite
+the offender to dine with him at the Regimental Mess as if nothing had
+happened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_asking for the third time_). "HAVE WE REACHED
+NO. 234 YET?"
+
+_Conductor._ "YES, MUM. HERE YOU ARE." [_Stops bus._]
+
+_Lady._ "OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT. I ONLY WANTED TO SHOW MY LITTLE
+FIDO WHERE HE WAS BORN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW DANGER.
+
+"I don't know if you realise," said Ernest, "that since Army
+signalling became fashionable a new danger confronts us."
+
+"If you mean that an enthusiast might start semaphoring unexpectedly
+in a confined space and get his neighbour in the eye, I may say that
+I have thought of it," I answered. "But it isn't worth worrying very
+much about. He wouldn't do it more than once."
+
+"It isn't that," said Ernest. "It's something much more subtle and
+insidious. It is the growing tendency in ordinary conversation to use
+'Ack' for A, 'Beer' for B, 'Emma' for M, 'Esses' for S, 'Toe' for T,
+etc. When you told me you were going to see your Aunt at 3 P.M., for
+instance, you said '3 Pip Emma.' And it isn't as if you were at all
+good at Semaphore or Morse either.
+
+"Imagine," he continued, "the effect upon a congregation of the
+announcement from the pulpit that the Reverend John Smith, Beer
+Ack, will preach next Sunday. Or upon a meeting when told that Mr.
+Carrington Ponk, J. Pip, will now speak. Think of Aunt Jane and all
+her Societies," he went on gloomily. "Imagine her saying that she's
+going to an Esses Pip G. meeting to-morrow. It's a dreadful thought.
+It will extend to people's initials, too. The great T.P. will be Toe
+Pip O'CONNOR. Something will have to be done about it."
+
+"There's only one thing to be done," I said. "You must get into
+Parliament and bring in a Bill about it. All might yet be well if you
+were an Emma Pip."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUNGRY HUNS.
+
+    "The _Berliner Tageblatt's_ correspondent states that the ground
+    at St. Pierre Vaast has been converted into a marsh in which
+    half-frozen soldiers, wet to the skin and knee-deep in mud, absorb
+    the shells."
+
+    _New Zealand Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The dispute, he claimed, was not started by the employees, but by
+    the employer making sweeping reductions in the ages of the men."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+If he wants to do this sort of thing with impunity he should employ
+women.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FOOD PROBLEM.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Please _do_ tell me. Must I count sausages under
+the meat or the bread allowance? I do so want to help my country
+_faithfully_.
+
+  Yours,
+  WORRIED HOUSEWIFE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "REWARD 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver Toothpick, value
+    sentimental."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+The latest thing in love-tokens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After a debate lasting three days, the Senate rejected the motion
+    approving Mr. Wilson's Nose."--_The Bulletin (Lahore)._
+
+The Senate has since shown its impartiality by registering its
+profound disapproval of the KAISER'S Cheek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A special constable has received the Silver Medal of the Society
+    for Protection of Life from fire for his gallantry in mounting
+    a ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a cook."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+It is understood that members of the regular "force" consider that he
+showed some presumption in not leaving this particular task to them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLIGHTED PROSPECTS.
+
+BERNSTORFF (_bitterly_). "PRETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR NEW
+FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!"
+
+HINDENBURG (_also bitterly_). "WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO MINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dug-out_ (_who has been put off on the last three
+greens by his caddie sneezing, and has now foozled his putt again_).
+"CONFOUND YOU! WHY DIDN'T YOU SNEEZE? I WAS COUNTING ON IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Wednesday, February 7th._--HIS MAJESTY opened Parliament to-day for
+what we all hope will be the Victory Session. But it will not be
+victory without effort. That was the burden of nearly all the speeches
+made to-day, from the KING'S downwards. HIS MAJESTY, who had left his
+crown and robes behind, wore the workmanlike uniform of an Admiral
+of the Fleet; and the Peers had forgone their scarlet and ermine in
+favour of khaki and sable. When Lord STANHOPE, who moved the Address,
+ventured, in the course of an oration otherwise sufficiently sedate,
+to remark that "the great crisis of the War had passed," Lord CURZON
+was swift to rebuke this deviation into cheerfulness. On the contrary,
+he declared, we were now approaching "the supreme and terrible climax
+of the War." He permitted himself, however, to impart one or two
+comforting items of information with regard to the arming of existing
+merchant-ships, the construction of new tonnage and the development of
+inventions for the discovery and deletion of submarines. For excellent
+reasons, no doubt, it was all a little vague, but in one respect his
+statement left nothing to be desired in the way of precision. "The
+present Government, in its seven weeks of office, had taken but two
+large and one small hotels," and is, I gather, marvelling at its own
+moderation.
+
+I was a little disappointed with the speeches of the Mover and
+Seconder of the Address in the Commons, for of recent years there has
+been a great improvement in this difficult branch of oratory. Sir
+HEDWORTH MEUX must, I think, have been dazzled by the effulgence of
+his epaulettes, which were certainly more highly polished than his
+periods. When in mufti he is much briefer and brighter. As Mr. ASQUITH
+however found both speeches "admirable," no more need be said.
+
+The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, as one must for convenience style
+him--though in truth there is no Opposition, in the strict sense of
+the word--just said what he ought to have said. For one brief moment
+he seemed to be straying on to dangerous ground, when he put some
+questions regarding the scope of the coming Imperial Conference; but
+the rest of his speech was wholly in keeping with the peroration, in
+which he pleaded that in the prosecution of the Nation's aim there
+should be "no jarring voices, no party cross-currents, no personal or
+sectional distractions."
+
+Unfortunately there is a section of the Commons over which he
+exercises no control. When Mr. BONAR LAW, as Leader of the House, rose
+to reply, the "jarring voices" of Mr. SNOWDEN and others of his kidney
+were heard in chorus, calling for the PRIME MINISTER. Mr. LAW paid no
+attention to the interruption. He cordially thanked Mr. ASQUITH
+for his speech, "the best possible testimony to the unity of this
+country," and assured him that the Imperial Conference would be
+primarily concerned with the successful prosecution of the War. The
+GERMAN EMPEROR had proved himself a great Empire-builder, but it was
+not his own empire that he was building.
+
+Later on Mr. PRINGLE reverted to the absence of the PRIME MINISTER,
+which he, as a person of taste, interpreted as "studied disrespect of
+the House of Commons." In this view he was supported by Mr. KING. Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE must really be careful.
+
+Strange to say, no public notice was taken of another distinguished
+absentee--the Member for East Herts. A few days ago, after a violent
+collision with Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, MR. PEMBERTON-BILLING announced
+his intention of resigning his seat and submitting himself for
+re-election. But since then we have been given to understand that a
+vote of confidence proposed by PEMBERTON, seconded by BILLING, and
+carried unanimously by the hyphen, had convinced him that, as in the
+leading case of Mr. CECIL RHODES, "resignation can wait."
+
+_Thursday, February 8th._--When we read day by day long lists of
+merchant vessels sunk by the enemy submarines two questions occur
+to most of us. How does the amount of tonnage lost compare with the
+amount of new tonnage put afloat, and what is the number of submarines
+that the Navy has accounted for in recent months? Mr. FLAVIN put the
+first question to-day, but found Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, who usually
+exudes statistics at every pore, singularly reticent on the subject.
+All he would say was that a large programme of new construction was in
+hand.
+
+Private Members blew off a great volume of steam to-day on the
+proposal of the Government to take the whole time of the House.
+Scotsmen, Irishmen and an Englishman or two joined in the plea that at
+least they should be allowed to introduce their various little Bills,
+even if they did not get any further. Perhaps if a Welshman had joined
+the band they might have been listened to. As it was, only one of them
+received any comfort. This was Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, who was informed
+that the Bill to deprive the enemy dukes of their British titles,
+for which he has been clamouring these two years, would shortly be
+introduced. But for the rest Mr. BONAR LAW was not inclined at this
+crisis in our fate to encourage the raising of questions, most of them
+acutely controversial, which would distract attention from the War.
+
+On an amendment to the Address Mr. LESLIE SCOTT took up his brief for
+the British farmer, who, deprived of his skilled men and faced with
+higher prices for fertilizers and feeding-stuffs, was expected to
+grow more food without having any certainty that he would be able to
+dispose of it at a remunerative price. Farming is always a bit of a
+gamble, but in present conditions it beats the Stock Exchange hollow.
+Some of the proposals which Mr. SCOTT outlined to improve the
+situation would have been denounced as revolutionary three years ago,
+and were a little too drastic even now for Mr. PROTHERO. Squeezed
+between the WAR MINISTER and the FOOD CONTROLLER, the MINISTER OF
+AGRICULTURE rather resembles the _Dormouse_ in _Alice in Wonderland_;
+but he is really quite all right, thank you. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT thinks
+that the author of "The Psalms in Human Life" is too saintly to tackle
+Lords DERBY and DEVONPORT, but, if my memory serves me, DAVID--no
+allusion to the PREMIER--had a rather pretty gift of invective.
+
+Let no one say that England is not at last awake. Mr. CHARLES BATHURST
+to-night made the terrific announcement that in some parts of the
+country Masters of Hounds are--shooting foxes.
+
+"This brings the War home," said FERDINAND THE FEARFUL when he heard
+the news.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones_ (_to cloak-room attendant_). "HOW MUCH?"
+
+_Cloak-room Attendant._ "THERE IS NO VERBAL CHARGE, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was agreed to express satisfaction with the announcement that
+    the price fixed for the potato crop of 1917 was not a miximum
+    price."--_Scots Paper._
+
+This must be the happy mean of which we hear so much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECENT TRUCE.
+
+Students of geography know that Ballybun is divided from the back
+gardens of Kilterash by the pellucid waters of that noble stream, the
+Bun, which hurls itself over a barrier of old tin-cans in a frantic
+effort to find the sea. But they do not know that this physical
+division, long ago bridged, is nothing to the moral and political
+division which will keep the two for ever asunder.
+
+Several of our younger citizens have written to me from the trenches
+to ask how the War is progressing. I have usually in reply quoted the
+remark of one of their number on leaving us for the Front after a
+short holiday, that he was now looking forward to a little peace and
+rest. I wish here to add a postscript to this concerning a recent
+unexpected truce.
+
+Political geography is not written as it should be, so that there may
+be people who have not even heard of the Great War between Ballybun
+and Kilterash. No one knows for certain when it started, or why. A
+local antiquary, after prolonged study of chronicles, memorials, rolls
+and records, to say nothing of local churchyards, refers it with some
+confidence to the reign of HENRY II. (LOUIS VII. being King of France,
+in the pontificate of ADRIAN IV. and so on), and to the forcible
+abduction of a pig (called the White Pearl) by the then ruling monarch
+of Kilterash. The Editor of _The Kilterash Curfew_, in one of his
+recent "Readings for the Day of Rest," remarked that Christian charity
+compelled him to hurl this foul aspersion back in the teeth of this
+so-called antiquary; the whole world knew that the pig had been born
+in the parish of Kilterash, but had "strayed" across the Bun, as
+things too often had the habit of straying.
+
+I am the "so-called antiquary." My little pamphlet proves in less
+than three hundred pages the truth of my allegation concerning the
+abduction of the White Pearl, giving the original texts on which I
+rely and the genealogies of all concerned in a sordid story.
+
+Since 1157, as far as history records, we have been afflicted with
+only two periods of truce. One was when, on hearing of the foul wrong
+done by the German Brute in Belgium, we united in enlisting recruits
+for our local regiment. This truce was broken by my worthy friend, the
+Editor of _The Curfew_, who pointed out, more in anger than in sorrow,
+that Ballybun had sent six men fewer than Kilterash. The second
+truce--again broken by the enemy--concerned myself. Wishing to add, if
+possible, to the evidence from monuments contained in my pamphlet, I
+was copying an inscription I had only just discovered in the disused
+churchyard of Killyburnbrae, when one of these light Atlantic showers
+sprang up and soaked me to the backbone. The result was influenza and
+a high temperature, which rose while I was reading _The Curfew_ upon
+my brochure, "_The White Pearl of Ballybun_, an Impartial Examination
+with the Original Documents herein set out and now for the first time
+deciphered by a Member of the Society of Antiquarians. Dedicated to
+All Lovers of the Truth. Printed by the Ballybun Binnacle Press."
+
+_The Curfew_ said of this fair statement of the evidence (with the
+original documents, mind you) that it smacked of German scholarship
+and their graveyard style of doing things. My blood boiled at this,
+and to keep me cool my niece, who lives with me, pulled down all the
+blinds, as the sun was strong.
+
+An old fish-woman passing by saw this and said, "Well, well, the poor
+old fellow's gone at last! A decent man in his time, with no taste in
+fish! We must all come to it." From her the news spread forty miles
+on either side of her and reached the Editor of _The Curfew_ in the
+middle of a philippic. Next morning I was astounded to read in his
+editorial columns: "Our distinguished neighbour and friend--if he will
+allow us to call him so--is now no more; in other words is gone ... as
+VIRGIL remarks ... famous antiquarian ... scrupulous and methodical,
+and, as we remarked in our last issue, reminiscent of the palmy days
+of the best German monumental scholarship ... our slight differences
+never affected the esteem in which we held him as a patriot, citizen,
+ratepayer and Man...."
+
+Now this was kindly and fair. I have written to my worthy friend and
+have proposed to dedicate to him my forthcoming work (non-partisan) on
+the "Slant Observable in Some Church-Spires, Part I." When he had to
+unbury me, war had to be resumed--it was his side that insisted upon
+it--but as far as the two chieftains are concerned it is a war without
+bitterness. He now introduces his attacks with "Our honoured and able
+antiquarian friend"; while my answers breathe such sentiments as "The
+genial editor of that well-conducted organ."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS.
+
+_Customer._ "WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST FOR TO-DAY, MISS?"
+
+_Waitress_ (_late of Girton_). "WELL, SIR, ROAST MUTTON, TWO
+VEGETABLES AND SWEETS WILL GIVE YOU THE NECESSARY PROTEIN, CALORIES
+AND CARBO-HYDRATES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS YOU WERE.
+
+    "Blow to Narkets. Rise of nearly 400 points. Cotton jump.
+    Germany's note breaks the market."
+
+    _Liverpool Echo, Feb. 1._
+
+    "Blow to Markets. Fall of nearly 400 points. Cotton slump."
+
+    _Same Paper, Later Edition._
+
+In spite of this sensational transformation of a jump into a slump
+we are glad to see that typographically at any rate the markets had
+recovered a little from their early derangement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Supposing a man has porridge and bacon for breakfast and a cut
+    from the point or a shop or steak for luncheon he may find that he
+    has consumed his meat allowance for the day."
+
+    _Daily Mail_ (_Manchester Edition_).
+
+Is not the food problem sufficiently difficult already without these
+additional complications? The man who wants a whole shop for his
+luncheon will get no sympathy from us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of Canon MASTERMAN'S lectures on "The War and the Smaller
+Nations of Europe":--
+
+    "April 2nd (possibly), 'The Reconstruction of Europe.'"--_Western
+    Morning News._
+
+We commend the lecturer's caution, but hope it will prove to have been
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THIS IS NOT A SCENE FROM A REVUE--IT IS HARDLY DULL
+ENOUGH FOR THAT--BUT AN EVERYDAY PERFORMANCE ON THE PLATFORM OF ANY
+RAILWAY STATION DURING THE RECENT COLD SPELL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORWARD MINX.
+
+The garden wall was high, yet not so high but that any young lady bent
+on attracting the notice of her neighbours could look over it. Miss
+Dot indeed regarded an outside flight of steps which led to an upper
+storey as an appointed amelioration to the hours which she was
+expected to spend in the garden, for it was an easy scramble from the
+stairs to the top of the wall, whence she could survey the world. To
+be sure the wall was narrow as well as high, but a timorous gait shows
+off a pretty figure, and slight nervousness adds a pathetic expression
+to a pretty face; to both of which advantages Dot was not, it is to be
+believed, altogether indifferent when khaki coats dwelt the other side
+of that wall.
+
+On this particular day she was trying to attract notice in so
+unrestrained a manner that her mother remarked it from an upper
+window. But mothers, we are told in these latter days, are not always
+the wisest guardians of their "flapper" daughters. This mother had a
+decided _penchant_ for a khaki coat herself; only she demanded braid
+on the cuff and a smartly cut collar, and these she would greet in the
+street with a tender act of homage which rarely failed to win admiring
+attention. But for a daughter who would dash down the road after a
+Tommy she had contempt rather than disapproval. So she watched with
+interest, but, alas! with no idea of interference.
+
+At first there were only "civvies" about, and though the admiration
+of any youthful male was dear to Dot's heart, and though chaff and
+blandishments were not wanting, still the wall _was_ high, and she
+lacked the resolve to descend. But presently two khaki coats appeared
+and the matter grew more serious. It was evident that it was not
+principle or modesty that held her back, but just timidity, for she
+responded eagerly to the advances of her admirers, but could not quite
+pluck up courage for that long jump down. Affairs grew shameless, for
+the khaki coats fetched a ladder to assist the elopement; but Dot made
+it clear that there were difficulties in that method of flight, though
+she wished there were not. At last she was enticed to a lower portion
+of the wall, and there, half screened by shrubs, she was lifted off by
+the shoulders, deliciously reluctant, and received into the cordial
+embrace of an enthusiastic soldiery.
+
+And her mother retired to the sofa!
+
+Shortly afterwards musketry instruction was proceeding in a public
+place; and behind the little group of learners sat Dot, in the seventh
+heaven of joy, drinking it all in with eager attention. And the
+instructing officer did not seem to mind.
+
+"How sad and mad and bad it was," a theme for the moralist, the
+conscientious objector, the Army reformer, the social reformer, the
+statistician. Yet perhaps even their solemn faces might relax to-day
+at the sight of a long-legged Airedale puppy marching at the head of
+the battalion to which she has appointed herself mascot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIS CUSTODIET?
+
+    "Engineer desires position as Manager of Works Manager."--_The
+    Aeroplane_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "---- and Sons will sell by Auction four Shorthand and Jersey
+    Cows."
+
+    _Morning Paper_.
+
+As the FOOD CONTROLLER'S Department is said to be still short of
+clerks, he may like to bid for these accomplished creatures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"FELIX GETS A MONTH."
+
+This "whimsical comedy," made by Mr. LEON M. LION out of a novel by
+the late TOM GALLON, began in a distinctly intriguing mood. _Felix_
+had an uncle, a sport, on whom he had once played a scurvy practical
+joke. This highly tolerant victim eventually cut up for a round
+million, which he left to nephew _Felix_ on condition that he should
+enter Umberminster as naked as the day he was born and earn his living
+therein for a full calendar month--a palpable posthumous hit to the
+old man. _Felix_ accordingly, equipped as laid down in the will, is
+left by the family solicitor in a wood, and, after a night and a day
+in hiding, appears shivering at the Mayor's parlour window, abstracts
+a rug for temporary relief, and prevails upon the maid, a romantic
+little orphan (who had been reading about river-gods and mistakes
+_Felix_ for one), to borrow a suit of the Mayor's clothes--into which
+he gets in time to interview that worthy when he returns with his grim
+lady. "You'll get a month," says she with damnable iteration; and the
+resourceful _Felix_, with an eye to the whimsical will, whimsically
+suggests that justice would be better fulfilled by his putting in the
+month at the Mayor's house as odd-job man than by his being conveyed
+to the county jail. And the Mayor whimsically agrees.
+
+After that, I regret to say, honest whimsicality took wing, and the
+show became merely--shall we say?--eupeptic. And certainly a much more
+elaborate meal than my lord DEVONPORT allowed me would be required to
+induce a mood sufficiently tolerant to face without impatience the
+welter which followed. The three incredible people--mercenary virgin,
+heavy father and aimless smiling villain--that walked straight out of
+the Elephant and Castle into the Second Act were not, I suspect, any
+elaborate (and quite irrelevant) joke of the actor-author's at the
+expense of the transpontine method, but just queer puppets brought on
+to disentangle the complications, though I confess I half thought that
+the villain, Mr. LAWRENCE LEYTON, was pulling our legs with a quite
+deliberate burlesque. On the whole I am afraid this play is but
+another wreck on that old snag of the dramatised novel.
+
+But there were plenty of isolated good things, such as Mr. O.B.
+CLARENCE'S really excellent Mayor, puzzled, pompous, eagle-pecked.
+Miss FLORENCE IVOR, the eagle in question, gave a shrewd and shrewish
+portrait of a wife gey ill to live with. Mr. REGINALD BACH'S very
+entertaining imaginary portrait of a faithful boy scout was a stroke
+of genius, his "call of the wild" being by far the best whim of the
+evening. Miss EVA LEONARD-BOYNE as _Ninetta_, the orphan, did her
+little job tenderly and prettily, but I couldn't believe in _Ninetta_
+in that galley, and I doubt if she did. Mr. GORDON ASH was the
+debonair hero. I do most solemnly entreat him to consider the example
+of some of the elders in his profession who have adopted a laugh as
+their principal bit of business. It may turn into a millstone. Was he
+not laughing the same laugh on this very stage in a very different
+part three days ago? He was. If he got a month, laugh-barred, he would
+profit by the sentence. For he has jolly good stuff in him.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S NEST.
+
+_Alderman Twentyman_ . Mr. O.B. CLARENCE.
+
+_Felix Delany_ . . . . Mr. GORDON ASH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMANDEERING.
+
+From a report of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech at Carnarvon:--
+
+    "There are eight million houses in this country. Let us have
+    VICTORY GUM FACTORY, Nelson, Lancs."--_Daily Dispatch._
+
+But surely he does not want to be known as "The Stickit Minister."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A grocer in a London suburb complains that on Saturday he and his
+    staff were 'run o ffthei rlegs by the extraordinary demands of
+    customers.'"--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+We congratulate the printer on his gallant effort to depict the
+situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Cook Generals, House Parlourmaids; fiends might
+    suit."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Discussion of the eternal servant problem is apt to be one-sided; it
+was quite time that we heard from the _advocatus diaboli_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO STEPHEN LEACOCK
+
+    (_Professor of Political Economy at McGill University, Montreal,
+    and author of "Further Foolishness" and other notable works of
+    humour_).
+
+  The life that is flagrantly double,
+    Conflicting in conduct and aim,
+  Is seldom untainted by trouble
+    And commonly closes in shame;
+  But no such anxieties pester
+    Your dual existence, which links
+  The functions of don and of jester--
+        High thought and high jinks.
+
+  Your earliest venture perhaps is
+    Unique in the rapture intense
+  Displayed in these riotous Lapses
+    From all that could savour of sense,
+  Recalling the "goaks" and the gladness
+    Of one whom we elders adored--
+  The methodical midsummer madness
+        Of ARTEMUS WARD.
+
+  With you, O enchanting Canadian,
+    We laughed till you gave us a stitch
+  In our sides at the wondrous Arcadian
+    Exploits of the indolent rich;
+  We loved your satirical sniping,
+    And followed, far over "the pond,"
+  The lure of your whimsical piping
+        Behind the Beyond.
+
+  In place of the squalor that stretches
+    Unchanged o'er the realist's page,
+  The sunshine that glows in your Sketches
+    Is potent our griefs to assuage;
+  And when, on your mettlesome charger,
+    Full tilt against reason you go,
+  Your Lunacy's finer and Larger
+        Than any I know.
+
+  The faults of ephemeral fiction,
+    Exotic, erotic or smart,
+  The vice of delirious diction,
+    The latest excesses of Art--
+  You flay in felicitous fashion,
+    With dexterous choice of your tools,
+  A scourge for unsavoury passion,
+        A hammer for fools.
+
+  And yet, though so freakish and dashing,
+    You are not the slave of your fun,
+  For there's nobody better at lashing
+    The crimes and the cant of the Hun;
+  Anyhow, I'd be proud as a peacock
+    To have it inscribed on my tomb:
+  "He followed the footsteps of LEACOCK
+        In banishing gloom."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian clerk's letter to his employer:--
+
+    "I am glad that the War is progressing very favourably for the
+    Allies. We long for the day when, according to Lord Curzon's
+    saying, 'The Bengal Lancers will petrol the streets of Berlin.'"
+
+Quite the right spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Awe-struck Tommy (from the trenches)._
+"LOOK, BILL--SOLDIERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+It may be as well for me to confess at once the humiliating fact
+that I am not, and never have been, an Etonian. If that be a serious
+disqualification for life in general, how much more serious must it
+be for the particular task of reviewing a book which is of Eton all
+compact, a book, for example, like _Memories of Eton Sixty Years Ago_,
+by A.C. AINGER, with contributions from N.G. LYTTELTON and JOHN MURRAY
+(MURRAY). For I have never been "up to" anybody; I have never been
+present at "absence"; I have no real understanding of the difference
+between a "tutor" and a "dame"; I call a "_p[oe]na_" by the plebeian
+name of "imposition"; and, until I had read Mr. AINGERS'S book, I had
+never heard of the verb "to brosier" or the noun substantive "bever."
+Altogether my condition is most deplorable. Yet there are some
+alleviations in my lot, and one of them has been the reading of this
+delightful book. I found it most interesting, and can easily imagine
+how Etonians will be absorbed in it, for it will revive for them
+many an old and joyful memory of the days that are gone. Mr. AINGER
+discourses, with a _mitis sapientia_ that is very attractive, on the
+fashions and manners of the past and the gradual process of their
+development into the Eton of the present. He is proud, as every good
+Etonian must be, of Eton as it exists, but now and again he hints that
+the Eton of an older time was in some respects a simpler and a better
+place. The mood, however, never lasts long, and no one can quarrel
+with the way in which it is expressed. General LYTTELTON, too, in one
+of his contributions, relates how on his return from a long stay in
+India he visited Eton, expecting to be modestly welcomed by shy and
+ingenuous youths, and how, instead, he was received and patronised by
+young but sophisticated men of the world. The GENERAL, I gather,
+was somewhat chilled by his experience. Altogether this book is
+emphatically one without which no Etonian's library can be considered
+complete.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Perhaps of all our War correspondents Mr. PHILIP GIBBS contrives
+to give in his despatches the liveliest sense of the movement, the
+pageantry and the abominable horror of war. Pageantry there is, for
+all the evil boredom and weariness of this pit-and-ditch business,
+and Mr. GIBBS sees finely and has an honest pen that avoids the easy
+_cliché_. You might truthfully describe his book, _The Battles of the
+Somme_ (HEINEMANN), as an epic of the New Armies. He never seems to
+lose his wonder at their courage and their spirit, and always with an
+undercurrent of sincerely modest apology for his own presence there
+with his notebook, a mere chronicler of others' gallantry. This
+chronicle begins at the glorious 1st of July and ends just before
+Beaumont-Hamel, which the author miserably missed, being sent home on
+sick leave. It is a book that may well be one of those preserved and
+read a generation hence by men who want to know what the great War
+was really like. God knows it ought to help them to do something to
+prevent another. Yet there is nothing morbid in it. As the sergeant
+thigh-deep in a flooded trench said, "You know, Sir, it doesn't do
+to take this war seriously." The armies of a nation that takes its
+pleasures sadly take their bitter pains with a grin; and that grin
+is what has made them such an unexpectedly tough proposition to the
+All-Seriousest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An old adage warns us never to buy a "pig in a poke." Equally good
+advice for the heroines of fiction or drama would be never under any
+circumstances to marry a bridegroom in a mask. In more cases than I
+can recall, neglect of this simple precaution has led to a peck of
+trouble. I am thinking now of _Yvonne_, leading lady in _The Mark of
+Vraye_ (HUTCHINSON). I admit that poor _Yvonne_ had more excuse than
+most. Hers was what you might call a hard case. On the one hand there
+was the villain _Philippe_, a most naughty man, swearing that she was
+in his power, and calling for instant marriage at the hands of _Father
+Simon_, who happened to be present. On the other hand, the gentleman
+in the mask revealed a pair of eyes that poor _Yvonne_ rashly supposed
+to belong to someone for whom she had more than a partiality. So when
+he suggested that the proposed ceremony should take place during
+_Philippe's_ temporary absence from the stage, with himself as
+substitute, _Yvonne_ (astonished perhaps at her own luck so early in
+the plot) simply jumped at the idea. Then, of course, the deed being
+done, off comes the mask, and behold the triumphant countenance of
+her bitterest foe, _Charles de Montbrison_, whom she herself had
+disfigured as the (supposed) murderer of her brother. Act drop and ten
+minutes' interval. Need I detail for you the subsequent course of this
+marriage of inconvenience? The courage and magnanimity of one side,
+the feminine cruelty melting at last to love, and finally the
+inevitable duologue of reconciliation, through which I can never help
+hearing the rustle of opera-cloaks and the distant cab-whistles.
+Charming, charming. Mr. H.B. SOMERVILLE has furnished a pleasant
+entertainment, and one that (like all good readers or spectators) you
+will enjoy none the less because of its entire familiarity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Flight of Mariette_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a slender volume, whose
+simplicity gives it a poignancy both incongruous and grim. Much of it
+you might compare to the diary of a butterfly before and whilst being
+broken on the wheel. _Mariette_, the jolly little maid of Antwerp, was
+so tender and harmless a butterfly; and the machine that broke her
+life and drove her to the martyrdom of exile was so huge and cruel a
+thing. How cruel in its effects it is well for us just now to be again
+reminded, lest, in these days of hurrying horrors, remembrance should
+be weakened. To that extent therefore Miss GERTRUDE E.M. VAUGHAN has
+done good service in compiling this human document of accusation. In
+a preface Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY pleads the cause of our refugee guests,
+not so much for charity as for comprehension. Certainly, _The Flight
+of Mariette_ will do much to further such understanding. I think I
+need only add that half the proceeds of its sale will go to feed the
+seven million Belgians still in Belgium (prey to the twin wolves
+of Prussia and starvation) for you to see that three shillings and
+sixpence could hardly be better used than in the purchase of a copy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was beginning to wonder whether Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS was suffering
+from writer's cramp, so much longer than usual does it seem since I
+heard from him. Now, however, my anxiety is relieved by _My Devon
+Year_ (SCOTT), a delightful book which could have come from no other
+pen than his. It is a marvel how many fragrant things he still finds
+to say, and with what inexhaustible freshness, about his beloved
+county. I hesitate to give these sketches an indiscriminate
+recommendation, because to those who walk through the country with
+closed eyes they will have little or no meaning; but if you are in
+love with beauty and can appreciate its translation into exquisite
+language you will draw from them a real and lasting joy. Let me
+confess now that I once asked Mr. PHILLPOTTS to give Devonshire a
+rest, and that I accept _My Devon Year_ as a convincing proof that
+this request was ill-considered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wish Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN would not throw so many bouquets at
+his characters. _Roger Wynyard_, the hero of _Grace Lorraine_
+(HUTCHINSON), was really just a very ordinary youth, but when I
+discovered that he was "the fine flower of our Public-School system,"
+"as chivalrous as a Bayard," and so forth, I began--unfairly, perhaps,
+but quite irresistibly--to entertain a considerable prejudice against
+him. Let me hasten, however, to add that Mr. SLADEN has packed his
+novel with the kind of incident which appeals to the popular mind,
+though his conclusion may cause a shock to those who think that our
+divorce-laws are in need of reform. In the matter of style Mr. SLADEN
+is content with something short of perfection. "It was easier for her
+to forgive a man, with his happy-go-lucky nature, for getting
+into trouble, than to forgive his getting out again by not being
+sufficiently careful not to add to the other person's misfortune."
+For myself, I do not find it so easy to forgive these happy-go-lucky
+methods in a writer who ought to know better by now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry_. "WHO GOES THERE?"
+
+_Tommy_. "FRIEND."
+
+_Sentry_ (_on recognising voice_). "FRIEND! I DON'T THINK. WHY, YOU'RE
+THE CHAP WHO BAGGED MY MESS-TIN BEFORE THE LAST KIT-INSPECTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR LOAN; A LAST APPEAL.
+
+  Now, by the memory of our gallant dead,
+    And by our hopes of peace through victory won,
+  Lend of your substance; let it not be said
+          You left your part undone.
+
+  Lend all and gladly. If this bitter strife
+    May so by one brief hour be sooner stayed,
+  Then is your offering, spent to ransom life,
+          A thousand times repaid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, February 14, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 17471-8.txt or 17471-8.zip *****
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+February 14, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 14, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2006 [EBook #17471]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>February 14th, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>
+"We will hold up wheat, we will
+hold up meat, we will hold up munitions
+of war and we will hold up the
+world's commerce," says Herr <span class="sc">Ballin</span>.
+Meanwhile his countrymen on the
+Western front are content to hold up
+their hands.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+It is reported from German Headquarters
+that the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> intends to
+confer on Count <span class="sc">Bernstorff</span> the Iron
+Cross with white ribbon. This has,
+we understand, caused consternation
+in official circles, where it is felt that
+after all the Count has done his best
+for Germany.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"We are at war," says the <i>Berliner
+Tageblatt</i>, a statement which only goes
+to prove that there is nothing hidden
+from the great minds of Germany.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The report that Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Ford</span>
+has offered to place his works at the
+disposal of the American authorities
+seems to indicate that he is determined
+to get America on his side, one way or
+the other.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Mr. S.F. <span class="sc">Edge</span>, the famous motorist,
+now on the <span class="sc">Food Controller's</span> staff,
+has given it as his opinion that a
+simple outdoor life is best for pigs.
+We are ashamed to say that our own
+preference for excluding them from
+our drawing-room has hitherto been
+dictated by purely selfish motives.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+America is making every preparation
+for a possible war, and Mexico, not
+to be outdone, has decided to hold a
+Presidential election.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+It is true that Mr. <span class="sc">George Bernard
+Shaw</span> has visited the Front, but too
+little has, we think, been made of the
+fact that he wore khaki&mdash;just like an
+ordinary person, in fact.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A sensational story reaches us to
+the effect that a new journalistic enterprise
+in Berlin is being devoted to the
+"reliable reporting of news." We have
+always maintained that to be successful
+in business you must strike out on
+original lines.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage
+has been opened in the Middle Temple
+Gardens. The authorities are said to
+be considering an offer confidentially
+communicated to them by the German
+Government to add Count <span class="sc">Zeppelin</span> as
+an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Members of the Honor Oak Golf
+Club are starting a piggery on their
+course, and an elderly golfer who practises
+on a common near London is
+about to write to <i>The Spectator</i> to state
+that on Saturday he started a rabbit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The American Association for the
+Advance of Science decided at a recent
+convocation that the ape had descended
+from man. This statement has evoked
+a very strong protest in monkey circles.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The tuck-shops of Harrow have been
+loyally placed out of bounds by the boys
+themselves, though of course these
+establishments, like the playing fields
+of Eton, had their part in the winning
+of Waterloo.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+One of our large restaurants is printing
+on its menus the actual weight of
+meat used in each dish. In others,
+fish is being put on the table accompanied
+by its own scales.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+We are requested to carry home our
+own purchases, and one of the firms
+for whom we feel sorry is Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Furness, Withy &amp; Company</span>, of Liverpool,
+who have just purchased Passage
+Docks, Cork.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Australia by organising her Commonwealth
+Loan Group, once again
+lives up to her motto, "Advance,
+Australia."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The Coroner of East Essex having
+set the example of keeping pigs in
+his rose garden, it is rumoured that
+<i>The Daily Mail</i> contemplates offering
+a huge prize for a Standard Rose-Scented
+Pig.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+To be in line with many of our contemporaries
+we are able to state definitely
+that the War is bound to come
+to an end, though we have not yet
+fixed on the exact date.</p>
+
+      <hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/101.png"><img width="100%" src="images/101.png" alt="Food Development in the Parks." /></a>
+
+
+<h4>FOOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE PARKS.</h4>
+<h4><span class="sc">A Forecast of Next Valentine's Day.</span></h4>
+
+<p><i>Spinster</i> (<i>reads</i>). "Dearest, meet me by the
+scarecrow in Hyde Park."</p>
+</div>
+
+      <hr />
+
+<h2>AIR-CASTLES.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When I grow up to be a man and wear whate'er I please,</p>
+<p>Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed&mdash;I will have none of these;</p>
+<p>For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so Harris-tweed won't do,</p>
+<p>And fat commercial travellers are dressed in dingy blue;</p>
+<p>Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and sad souls in the City,</p>
+<p>But I'll wear Linsey-Woolsey because it sounds so pretty.</p>
+  <p class="i2">I don't know what it looks like,</p>
+    <p class="i4">I don't know how it feels,</p>
+  <p class="i2">But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy</p>
+    <p class="i4">Prettily appeals.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And when I find a lovely maid to settle all my cash on,</p>
+<p>She will be much too beautiful to need the gauds of fashion.</p>
+<p>No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or crêpe-de-chine</p>
+<p>Will the maiden of my fancy wear&mdash;no chiffon, no sateen,</p>
+<p>No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of costly price,</p>
+<p>But she'll be clad in Dimity because it sounds so nice.</p>
+  <p class="i2">I don't know what it looks like,</p>
+    <p class="i4">I do not know its feel,</p>
+  <p class="i2">But a dimpled maid in Dimity</p>
+    <p class="i4">Was ever my ideal.</p></div></div>
+
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h4>The Last Menu Card.</h4>
+
+<blockquote>
+"To-day is one of the great moments of
+history. Germany's last card is on the table.
+It is war to the knife. Either she starves
+Great Britain or Great Britain starves her."
+&mdash;<i>Mr. Curtin in "The Times."</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Curtin</span> has lost a great chance for
+talking of "War to the knife-and-fork."
+Possibly he was away in Germany at
+the time when this <i>jeu d'esprit</i> was
+invented.</p>
+
+     <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"The Canadian papers are unanimous that
+the German peace proposals are premature,
+and will be refused saskatoon."
+&mdash;<i>Examiner</i> (<i>Launceston, Tasmania</i>).</blockquote>
+
+<p>
+We had not heard before that Germany
+had asked for Saskatoon, but anyway
+we are glad she is not going to get it.</p>
+
+    <hr />
+<p>
+From a schoolgirl's essay:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+"The Reconnaissance was the time when
+people began to wake up ... Friar Jelicoe
+was a very great painter; he painted angles."</blockquote>
+
+<p>
+Probably an ancestor of the gallant
+gentleman who recently had a brush
+with the enemy.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span>
+
+
+<h3>TACTLESS TACTICS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Were I a burglar in the dock</p>
+  <p class="i2">With every chance of doing time,</p>
+<p>With Justice sitting like a rock</p>
+  <p class="i2">To hear a record black with crime;</p>
+<p>If my conviction seemed a cert,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Yet, by a show of late repentance,</p>
+<p>I thought I might, with luck, avert</p>
+  <p class="i2">A simply crushing sentence;&mdash;</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I should adopt, by use of art,</p>
+  <p class="i2">A pensive air of new-born grace,</p>
+<p>In hope to melt the Bench's heart</p>
+  <p class="i2">And mollify its awful face;</p>
+<p>I should not go and run amok,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Nor in a fit of senseless fury</p>
+<p>Punch the judicial nose or chuck</p>
+  <p class="i2">An inkpot at the jury.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>So with the Hun: you might assume</p>
+  <p class="i2">He would exert his homely wits</p>
+<p>To mitigate the heavy doom</p>
+  <p class="i2">That else would break him all to bits;</p>
+<p>Yet he behaves as one possessed,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Rampaging like a bull of Bashan,</p>
+<p>Which, as I think, is not the best</p>
+  <p class="i2">Means of conciliation.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>For when the wild beast, held and bound,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Ceases to plunge and rave and snort,</p>
+<p>The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound</p>
+  <p class="i2">Remarks on this contempt of court;</p>
+<p>The plea for mercy, urged too late,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Should prove a negligible cipher,</p>
+<p>And when the sentence seals his fate</p>
+  <p class="i2">He'll get at least a lifer.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">O.S.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+    <hr />
+
+<h3>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> and Count <span class="sc">Bernstorff</span>.</i>)</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i> (<i>concluding a tirade</i>). And so, in spite of my
+superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to.
+Germany is smacked in the face in view of the whole world&mdash;yes,
+I repeat it, is smacked in the face, and by a nation
+which is not a nation at all, but a sweeping together of the
+worst elements in all the other nations, a country whose
+navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist; and you,
+Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence
+and tell me that, with the careful instructions given to you
+by my Government and by myself, you were not able to
+prevent such an end to the negotiations? It is a thing
+that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even I, who have
+learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern
+my temper&mdash;even I feel strangely moved, for I know how
+deplorable will be the effect of this on our Allies and on the
+other neutral Powers. Our enemies, too, will be exalted by
+it and thus the War will be prolonged. No, Count, at such
+a moment one does not appear before one's Emperor with
+a smiling face.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who
+have a smiling face. At such a moment there could be no
+reason for it. But your Majesty will remember, in justice
+to myself, that I have not ceased to warn your Majesty
+from the very beginning that unless something actual and
+definite was conceded to the feeling of the United States
+trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment
+of Belgium&mdash; </p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the
+Belgians. No more ungrateful race has ever infested the
+earth. Besides, did I not say that my heart bled for
+Louvain?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad
+taste not to believe you. It was in vain that I spread
+those gracious words of yours broadcast throughout the
+land. They only laughed at your Majesty.</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. Yes, I know they did, curse them.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> Then there came the deplorable sinking of the
+<i>Lusitania</i>.</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. Oh, don't speak to me of the <i>Lusitania</i>.
+I'm sick to death of the very name. Besides, how do you
+dare to call her sinking deplorable? I authorised it; that
+ought to be enough for you and for everybody else.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said
+"deplorable" I was alluding not so much to the act itself
+as to its effect on opinion in the United States. From that
+moment the Americans stiffened in their attitude towards
+us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable. I
+warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your
+Majesty preferred to disregard what I said.</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. And have you any complaint to make? Is
+your opinion of yourself so high that one may not without
+sacrilege disregard your opinion?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not
+infallible, not being an Emperor, but I happen in this case
+to have been right. And then on the top of all the other
+things comes  the  Note  announcing  the  new  under-sea
+policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans to
+be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a
+certain way. No, really, with a proud nation&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. Proud! A race of huckstering money-grubbers.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Count B.</i> With a proud nation&mdash;I must repeat it, your
+Majesty&mdash;such a course must lead straight to war. But
+perhaps that was what your advisers wanted, though I
+cannot see why they should want it. But for myself I
+must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what
+has come to pass. There is perhaps yet time to undo
+the mischief.</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Kaiser</i>. No, it is too late.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h3>AS OTHERS SEE US.</h3>
+<p>
+The General Officer Commanding, as he appears to:</p>
+<p>
+(1) <i>His Chief of Staff</i>.&mdash;The one insuperable obstacle to
+tactical triumphs such as  <span class="sc">Cæsar</span> and <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> never
+knew.</p>
+<p>
+(2) <i>His youngest A.D.C.</i>&mdash;A  perpetual fountain of unsterilized
+language.</p>
+<p>
+(3) <i>Certain Subalterns</i>.&mdash;The greatest man on earth.</p>
+<p>
+(4) <i>Tommy Atkins</i>.&mdash;A benevolent old buffer in scarlet
+and gold who periodically takes an inexplicable interest in
+Tommy's belt and brass buttons. An excuse for his
+sergeant's making him present arms.</p>
+<p>
+(5) <i>The British Public</i>.&mdash;A name in the newspapers.</p>
+<p>
+(6) <i>Himself</i>.&mdash;(<i>a</i>) Before dinner: An unfortunate, overworked
+and ill-used old man. (<i>b</i>) After dinner: England's
+hope and Sir <span class="sc">William Robertson's</span> right hand.</p>
+<p>
+(7) <i>His Wife</i>.&mdash;A very lovable, but helpless, baby.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his
+school:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+"A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials
+talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the famines
+set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes of agriculturists,
+the major portion of the supporters of the &mdash;&mdash; school. The
+puffs of misery bleached white the flush of early and latter times;
+dinner-hours grew few and far between; and with the Sun of Loaf
+sank all wakefulness to light and culture."</blockquote>
+
+<p>
+This last feature sounds a little like Berlin.</p>
+
+     <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" src="images/103.png" alt="Rational Service." /></a>
+<h4>RATIONAL SERVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE, AND
+I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT TO SPARE."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/104.png"><img width="100%" src="images/104.png" alt="Rational Service." /></a>
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">How this egg got past the Food Controller I can't imagine.</span>"</h4></div>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h3>THE THREE DICTATORS.</h3>
+<p>
+(<i>Being a tragedy of the moment and incidentally
+a guide to the art of handing
+out correspondence to the typist.</i>)</p>
+
+<h4>I.</h4>
+<p>
+There are, of course, as many styles
+of dictating letters as there are of writing
+them; but three stand out. One
+is the Indignant Confidential; one the
+Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense
+Efficient. Bitter experience
+in three orderly London houses only a
+day or so ago chances to have led to
+such complete examples of each of
+these styles that the reader has the
+felicity of acquiring at the same time a
+valuable insight into business methods
+and a glimpse of what Nature in the
+person of Jack Frost can do with even
+the best regulated of cities.</p>
+<p>
+We will take first the Hesitant
+Tactful, where the typist is not merely
+considered as a human being but invited
+to become an ally. The dictator
+is Mr. Vernon Crombie.</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter
+I want to dictate and get off by hand
+at once, because my house isn't fit to live
+in through burst pipes. The plumbers
+promised to send yesterday, but didn't,
+and to-day they can't come, it seems,
+and really it's most serious. Ceilings
+being ruined, you know. The bore is
+that there aren't any other plumbers
+that I know of, and one is so at the
+mercy of these people that we must go
+very delicately. You understand. We
+mustn't say a word to set their backs
+up any higher than they already are.
+Anger's no good in this case. Here
+we must be tactful, and I want you to
+help me. I knew you would.</p>
+<p>
+Now we'll begin. <i>To Messrs. Morrow
+&amp; Hope. Dear Sirs,&mdash;I hate</i>&mdash;no,
+that's a little too strong, perhaps&mdash;<i>I
+much dislike</i>&mdash;that's better&mdash;<i>I much
+dislike to bother you at a time when I
+know you must be overworked in every
+direction</i>&mdash;you see the idea, don't you?
+What we've got to do is to get on their
+soft side. It's no use bullyragging
+them; understanding their difficulties
+is much better. You see that, don't
+you? Of course; I knew you would.
+Now then. Where was I? Oh yes&mdash;<i>overworked
+in every direction; but if,
+as you promised yesterday, but unfortunately
+were unable</i>&mdash;I think that's good,
+don't you? Much better than saying
+that they had broken their promise&mdash;<i>to
+manage, you could spare a man to
+attend to our pipes without further delay</i>&mdash;I
+think you might underline <i>without
+further delay</i>. Would that be safe,
+I wonder? Yes, I think so&mdash;<i>I should
+be more than grateful.</i> And now there's
+a problem. What I have been pondering
+is if it would be wise to offer to
+pay an increased charge. I'd do anything
+to get the pipes mended, but, on
+the other hand, it's not a sound precedent.
+A state of society in which
+everyone bid against everyone else
+for the first services of the plumber
+would be unbearable. Only the rich
+would ever be plumbed, and very soon
+the plumbers would be the millionaires.
+Perhaps we had better let the
+letter go as it is? You think so and I
+think so. Very well then, just <i>Believe
+me, yours faithfully</i>, and I'll sign it."</p>
+<p>
+And now the Indignant and Confidential.
+Mr. Horace Bristowe is dictative:
+"Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now
+I've got trouble with the plumbers,
+and I want to give the blighters&mdash;well,
+I can't say it to you, but you know
+what I mean. There's my house dripping
+at every pore, or rather pouring
+at every drip&mdash;I say, that's rather
+good; I must remember that to tell
+them this evening. Just put that
+down on a separate piece of paper,
+will you. Well, here's the place all
+soaked and not a man can I get. They
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span>
+promised to send on Tuesday, they
+promised to send yesterday, and this
+morning comes a note saying that they
+can't now send till to-morrow. What
+do you think of that? And they have
+worked for me for years. Years I've
+been employing them.</p>
+<p>
+"Let's begin, anyway. <i>To Messrs.
+Tarry &amp; Knott. Dear Sirs</i>&mdash;No, I'm
+hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous
+convention! They're not dear&mdash;except
+in their charges. I say, that's
+not bad. No, just put <i>Gentlemen</i>. But
+that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen,
+the swine! They're anything but
+gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers,
+liars. Seriously, Miss Tappit, I
+ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am
+I, an old customer, with burst pipes
+doing endless damage, and they can't
+send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you
+know, it's the limit. I know about the
+War and all that. I make every allowance.
+But I still say it's the limit.
+Well, we must put the thing in the
+third person, I suppose, if I'm not to
+call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.'
+<i>Mr. Horace Bristowe presents his comp</i>&mdash;Good
+Heavens! he does nothing of
+the kind&mdash;<i>Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to</i>&mdash;Begs!
+Of course I don't beg. This
+really is becoming idiotic. Can't one
+write a letter like an honest man, instead
+of all this flunkey business? Begin
+again: <i>To Messrs. Tarry &amp; Nott. Mr.
+Horace Bristowe considers that he has
+been treated with a lack of consideration</i>&mdash;no,
+we can't have 'considers'
+and 'consideration' so near together.
+What's another word for 'consideration'?&mdash;<i>treated
+with a lack of&mdash;a lack of</i>&mdash;Well,
+we'll keep 'consideration'
+and alter 'considers.' Begin again:
+<i>Mr. Horace Bristowe thinks</i>&mdash;no, that's
+not strong enough&mdash;<i>believes</i>&mdash;no. Ah,
+I've got it&mdash;<i>Mr. Horace Bristowe holds
+that he has been treated by you with a
+lack of consideration which</i>&mdash;I wonder
+if 'which' is better than 'that'&mdash;<i>a lack
+of consideration that, considering his
+long</i>&mdash;no, we can't have 'considering'
+just after 'consideration'&mdash;<i>that</i>&mdash;no,
+<i>which&mdash;which&mdash;in view of his long
+record as</i>&mdash;What I want to say is
+that it's an infernal shame that after
+all these years, in which I've put
+business in their way and paid them
+scores of pounds, they should treat me
+in this scurvy fashion, that's what I
+mean. The swine! I tell you, Miss
+Tappit, it's infamous. I&mdash;(and so on).</p>
+<p>
+The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman,
+so clear-headed and capable that
+it is his continual surprise that he is
+not in the Cabinet without the preliminary
+of an election, handles his
+correspondence very differently. He
+presses a button for Miss Pether. She
+is really Miss Carmichael, but it is a
+rule in this model office that the typist
+takes a dynastic name, and Pether now
+goes with the typewriter, just as all
+office-boys are William. Miss Pether
+arrives with her pad and pencil and
+glides swiftly and noiselessly to her
+seat and looks up with a face in which
+mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty
+and knowledge of her attainments.</p>
+<p>
+"<i>To Messrs. Promises &amp; Brake</i>, says
+the business man,&mdash;<i>Gentlemen comma
+the pipes at my house were not properly
+mended by your man yesterday comma
+and there is still a leakage comma which
+is causing both damage and inconvenience
+full stop Please let me have comma
+in reply to this comma an assurance
+that someone shall be sent round at once
+dash in a taxi comma if necessary full
+stop. If such an assurance cannot be
+given comma I shall call in another
+firm and refuse to pay your account full
+stop. Since the new trouble is due to
+your employee's own negligence comma
+I look to you to give this job priority
+over all others full stop. My messenger
+waits full stop. I am comma yours
+faithfully comma.</i> Let me have it at
+once and tell the boy to get a taxi."</p>
+
+<h4>II.</h4>
+<p>
+None of the plumbers sent any men.</p>
+
+     <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" src="images/105.png" alt="The Brothers Tingo..." /></a>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">"The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their
+bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land."</span></h4></div>
+
+
+     <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"In some courts the carrying of matches
+has been regarded as a light offence, but this
+will not be the case in future."&mdash;<i>Irish Times.</i>
+</blockquote>
+
+We note the implied rebuke to the
+jester on the Bench.
+
+      <hr />
+
+<h3>SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.</h3>
+
+<h4>II.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Belgravia's Winter Greens;</p>
+<p>None so nicely as <i>they</i> fare</p>
+  <p class="i2">Save Cox's Kidney Beans;</p>
+<p>Mustard-and-Cress in boxes,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Greens in the jardinière,</p>
+<p>And a trellis of Beans at Cox's,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Facing Trafalgar Square.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Lady Biffington's daughters</p>
+  <p class="i2">Are mulching the Greens with Clay;</p>
+<p>Lady Smiffington waters</p>
+  <p class="i2">The Mustard-and-Cress all day;</p>
+<p>And Cox's cashiers (those oners!)</p>
+  <p class="i2">Are feeling extremely rash,</p>
+<p>For they're pinching the tips of the Runners</p>
+  <p class="i2">As they never would pinch your cash.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard,</p>
+  <p class="i2">The Cress is hardy and hale;</p>
+<p>Belgravia's housemaids dust hard</p>
+  <p class="i2">To keep the dust from the Kale;</p>
+<p>But Cox's cashiers look solemn,</p>
+  <p class="i2">For their Beans (which sell by the sack)</p>
+<p>Would cover the Nelson Column</p>
+  <p class="i2">If they didn't keep pinching them back.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+     <hr />
+
+
+<h4><span class="sc">"Weather at Health Resorts.</span></h4>
+
+<table align="center" border="0" summary="Weather at Health Resorts">
+<tr>
+       <td width="20%">&nbsp;</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td width="10%">&nbsp;</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td colspan="3">Temp.</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td width="20%">&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Sunshine.</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td width="10%">Max.</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td width="10%">Min.</td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Weather.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>Felixstowe<br /><br /><br /></td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>0.0<br /><br /><br /></td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>22<br /><br /><br /></td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>29<br /><br /><br /></td>
+	   <td width="2%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Some snow."<br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Morning Paper.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>And some thermometer.</p>
+
+    <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span>
+
+
+<h3>PETHERTON'S DONKEY;</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">or, Patriotism and Publicity.</span></h4>
+<p>
+I hadn't had a letter-writing bout
+with Petherton for some time, and,
+feeling in need of a little relaxation, I
+seized the opportunity afforded by
+Petherton's installing a very noisy
+donkey in his paddock adjoining my
+garden, and wrote to him as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Dear Mr. Petherton</span>,&mdash;I do not
+like making complaints against a
+neighbour, as you know, but the new
+tenant of your field does not seem to
+argue a good selection on your part,
+unless his braying has a more soothing
+effect on you than it has on me.</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yours sincerely,
+<span class="sc">Harry J. Fordyce.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+I was evidently in luck, as I drew
+Petherton's literary fire at once.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Sir</span> (he wrote),&mdash;I should have
+thought that you would have been the
+last person in the world to object to
+this particular noise. Allow me to inform
+you that I purchased the donkey
+for several family and personal reasons
+which cannot possibly concern you.</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Faithfully yours,
+<span class="sc">Frederick Petherton.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+I translated this letter rather freely
+for my own ends, and replied:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Dear Petherton</span>,&mdash;I apologise. I
+had no idea that the animal was in any
+way connected with your family. If it
+is a poor relation I must say you are
+fortunate in being able to fob him (or
+should it be her?) off so easily, as he
+(or she) appears to live a life of comparative
+luxury, at little cost, I should
+imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad to
+know whether the animal, in exercising
+its extraordinary vocal powers, is
+calling for his (or her) mate, or merely
+showing off for the amusement of
+your fascinating poultry who share its
+pleasaunce.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+Can't you possibly fit the brute with
+a silencer, as the noise it makes is disturbing,
+especially to me, my study
+window being very close to the hedge?</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yours sincerely,
+<span class="sc">Harry Fordyce.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote>
+P.S.&mdash;I am thinking of laying down
+a bed of poisoned carrots for early use.
+Perhaps with your chemical knowledge
+you can suggest an effective top-dressing
+for them.</blockquote>
+<p>
+Petherton rose to the bait and wrote&mdash;the
+same night&mdash;as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;In your unfortunate correspondence
+with me you have always
+shown yourself better at rudeness than
+repartee. Did you not learn at school
+the weakness of the <i>tu quoque</i> line of
+argument? You speak of your study
+window being near my field. The
+name "study" suggests literary efforts.
+Is it in your case merely a room devoted
+to the penning of senseless and
+impertinent letters to unoffending neighbours,
+who have something better to
+do than waste their time reading and
+answering them? I hope this letter
+will be the last one I shall find it necessary
+to write to you.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+<i>Re</i> your postscript. Try prussic acid,
+but pray do not confine it to the toilets
+of your carrots. A few drops on the
+tongue would, I am sure, make you
+take a less distorted view of things, and
+you would cease to worry over such
+trifles as the braying of a harmless
+animal. </blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Faithfully yours,
+<span class="sc">Frederick Petherton.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+Of course I simply had to reply to
+this, but made no reference to the <i>tu
+quoque</i> question. He had evidently
+failed to grasp, or had ignored, the
+rather obvious suggestion in the last
+few words of my first letter on the
+subject. I wrote:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">My dear Chap</span>,&mdash;Thanks so much
+for your prompt reply and valuable
+information about prussic acid. There
+was, however, one omission in the prescription.
+You didn't say on whose
+tongue the acid should be placed. If
+you meant on the donkey's it seems an
+excellent idea. I'll try it, so excuse
+more now, as the chemist's will be
+closed in a few minutes.</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yours in haste,
+<span class="sc">Harry F.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+Petherton was getting angry, and
+his reply was terse and venomous:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;Yes, I did mean the donkey's.
+It will cure both his stupid braying and
+his habit of writing absurd and childish
+letters.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+But if you poison <i>my</i> donkey it will
+cost you a good deal more than you
+will care to pay, especially in war-time.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+It is a pity you're too old for the
+army; you might have been shot by
+now.</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Faithfully yours,
+<span class="sc">Frederick Petherton.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+I had now got on to my fourth speed,
+and dashed off this reply:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Dear Freddy</span>,&mdash;I like you in all your
+moods, but positively adore you when
+you are angry. As a matter of fact I
+am very fond of what are so absurdly
+known as dumb animals, and am glad
+now that the chemist's was closed last
+night before I decided whether to go
+there or not. <span class="sc">Balaam</span> himself would
+have been proud to own your animal.
+It roused me from my bed this morning
+with what was unmistakably a very fine
+asinine rendering of the first few bars
+of "The Yeoman's Wedding," but unfortunately
+it lost the swing of it before
+the end of the first verse.</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yours as ever,
+<span class="sc">Harry.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+Petherton gave up the contest; but
+I let him have a final tweak after seeing
+the announcement of his splendid and
+public-spirited action to help on the
+War Food scheme.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Dear old Boy</span> (I wrote),&mdash;How
+stupid you must have thought me all
+this time! Only when I learnt from
+the paragraph in this morning's <i>Surbury
+Examiner</i> that, in response to the
+suggestion of the Rural District Council,
+you have lent your field to the poor
+people of the neighbourhood for growing
+War Food did I realise the meaning
+of the dulcet-toned donkey's presence
+in your field.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+The growing of more food at the
+present time is an absolute necessity,
+but it was left to you to discover this
+novel method of proclaiming to Surbury
+that here in its midst was land waiting
+to be put to really useful purpose.</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+I do not know which to admire the
+more, your patriotism or the ingenuity
+displayed in your selection of so admirable
+a mouthpiece from among your
+circle of friends. </blockquote>
+
+<p class="author">
+Yrs.,
+H.</p>
+
+<p>
+Petherton has left it at that.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<span class="sc">Second Series.</span>)</h4>
+
+<h4>XVIII.</h4>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Bayswater.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Bays came down to water&mdash;</p>
+  <p class="i2">Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!</p>
+<p>And there they found the Brindled Mules&mdash;</p>
+  <p class="i2">Bray! Bray! Bray!</p>
+<p>"How dare you muddy the Bays' water</p>
+  <p class="i2">That was as clear as glass?</p>
+<p>How dare you drink of the Bays' water,</p>
+  <p class="i2">You children of an Ass?"</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Why shouldn't we muddy your water?</p>
+  <p class="i2">Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!</p>
+<p>Why shouldn't we drink of your water,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Pray, pray, pray?</p>
+<p>If our Sire was a Coster's Donkey</p>
+  <p class="i2">Our Dam was a Golden Bay,</p>
+<p>And the Mules shall drink of the Bays' water</p>
+  <p class="i2">Every other day!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<h4>XIX.</h4>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Kentish Town.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>As I jogged by a Kentish Town</p>
+  <p class="i2">Delighting in the crops,</p>
+<p>I met a Gipsy hazel-brown</p>
+  <p class="i2">With a basketful of hops.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"You Sailor from the Dover Coast</p>
+  <p class="i2">With your blue eyes full of ships,</p>
+<p>Carry my basket to the oast</p>
+  <p class="i2">And I'll kiss you on the lips."</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Once she kissed me with a jest,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Once with a tear&mdash;</p>
+<p>O where's the heart was in my breast</p>
+  <p class="i2">And the ring was in my ear?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/107.png"><img width="100%" src="images/107.png" alt="Boy! Bring some more coal!" /></a>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">"<i>Head of Government Department</i> (<i>in his private room in recently-commandeered hotel</i>).<br /> "Boy! Bring some more coal!"</span></h4></div>
+
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h3>WAR'S ROMANCES.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">
+[Now that fiction is occupying itself so
+much with military matters, it is necessary
+to warn the lady novelist&mdash;as it used to be
+necessary in other days to warn her in relation
+to sport&mdash;to cultivate accuracy. There is a
+constant danger that the popular story will
+include such passages as follow.]
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+"Corporal Cuthbert Crewdson," said
+the Colonel in a kindly voice, "your work
+has been very satisfactory&mdash;so much
+so that I have decided to promote you.
+From to-day you will no longer be
+Corporal, but Lance-Corporal." With
+a grateful smile our hero saluted and
+retired to draw his lance at the Adjutant's
+stores.</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Darling," cried the handsome young
+private, "I told the Colonel of our engagement,
+and he said at once I might
+bring you to tea at our Mess any Sunday
+afternoon."</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+One night, as Private Jones and the
+Sergeant-major were strolling arm-in-arm
+through the High Street...</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Remember," said the old Major,
+eyeing his eighteen-year-old subaltern
+son with a shrewd affectionate glance,
+"a little well-placed courtesy goes a
+long way. For instance, if a Sergeant
+should call you 'Sir,' never forget to
+say 'Sir' to him."</p>
+
+  <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Osbert, his cane dangling from his left
+hand and with Mabel at his side, sailed
+proudly down Oxford Street. Suddenly
+a Tommy hove in sight. At once Osbert
+passed his stick to his other hand,
+leaving the left one free. The next
+moment the man was saluting, and
+Osbert, bringing up his left hand in
+acknowledgment, passed on.</p>
+<p>
+"It is always well to be scrupulously
+correct in these little details,"
+he explained.</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Mildred, her heart beating rapidly,
+stood shyly behind the muslin curtain
+as George, looking very gallant in
+khaki, strode past the window with
+his frog hopping along at his side.</p>
+
+  <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Sidney Bellairs, apparently so stern
+and unbending on parade, was adored by
+his men. Often he had been known,
+when acting as "orderly officer" (as the
+officer is called who has to keep order),
+to carry round with him a light camp-stool,
+which, with his unfailing charm
+of manner, he would offer to some
+weary sentry. "There, my boy, sit
+down," he would say, without a trace
+of condescension.</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Lord Debenham succeeded because
+even in small things he could look
+ahead. "Ethelred," he would say
+to his batman, "there is to be a field-day
+to-morrow, so see that my haversack,
+water-bottle and slacks are put
+ready for me in the morning."</p>
+<p>
+"Very good, my lord," the orderly
+would answer.</p>
+
+   <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Marmaduke sprang forward. The
+Hun's bomb, its pin withdrawn, was
+about to explode. Coolly removing his
+costly gold-and-diamond tie-pin, he
+thrust this substitute into the appointed
+place in the terrible sizzling
+bomb, and stood back with a little
+smile. The next moment his General
+stepped towards him and pinned to his
+breast the Victoria Cross.</p>
+
+  <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Colonel Blood belonged to the old
+school&mdash;irascible, even explosive, but
+at bottom a heart of gold. Often after
+thrashing a subaltern with his cane for
+some neglect of duty he would smile
+suddenly and invite the offender to dine
+with him at the Regimental Mess as if
+nothing had happened.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/108.png"><img width="100%" src="images/108.png" alt="Oh, I didn't want to get out. I only wanted to show my little Fido where he was born." /></a>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>asking for the third time</i>). "<span class="sc">Have we reached No. 234 yet?</span>"</p>
+<p>
+<i>Conductor.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, Mum. Here you are.</span>" [<i>Stops bus.</i>] </p>
+<p>
+<i>Lady.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh, I didn't want to get out. I only wanted to show my little Fido where he was born."</span></p></div>
+
+   <hr />
+
+
+
+
+<h3>A NEW DANGER.</h3>
+<p>
+"I don't know if you realise," said
+Ernest, "that since Army signalling
+became fashionable a new danger confronts
+us."</p>
+<p>
+"If you mean that an enthusiast
+might start semaphoring unexpectedly
+in a confined space and get his neighbour
+in the eye, I may say that I have
+thought of it," I answered. "But it
+isn't worth worrying very much about.
+He wouldn't do it more than once."</p>
+<p>
+"It isn't that," said Ernest. "It's
+something much more subtle and insidious.
+It is the growing tendency
+in ordinary conversation to use 'Ack'
+for A, 'Beer' for B, 'Emma' for M,
+'Esses' for S, 'Toe' for T, etc. When
+you told me you were going to see your
+Aunt at 3 P.M., for instance, you said
+'3 Pip Emma.' And it isn't as if you
+were at all good at Semaphore or Morse
+either.</p>
+<p>
+"Imagine," he continued, "the effect
+upon a congregation of the announcement
+from the pulpit that the Reverend
+John Smith, Beer Ack, will preach next
+Sunday. Or upon a meeting when told
+that Mr. Carrington Ponk, J. Pip, will
+now speak. Think of Aunt Jane and
+all her Societies," he went on gloomily.
+"Imagine her saying that she's going
+to an Esses Pip G. meeting to-morrow.
+It's a dreadful thought. It will extend
+to people's initials, too. The great
+T.P. will be Toe Pip <span class="sc">O'Connor</span>. Something
+will have to be done about it."</p>
+<p>
+"There's only one thing to be done,"
+I said. "You must get into Parliament
+and bring in a Bill about it. All might
+yet be well if you were an Emma Pip."</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>The Hungry Huns.</h4>
+
+<blockquote>
+"The <i>Berliner Tageblatt's</i> correspondent
+states that the ground at St. Pierre Vaast has
+been converted into a marsh in which half-frozen
+soldiers, wet to the skin and knee-deep
+in mud, absorb the shells."
+&mdash;<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></blockquote>
+
+
+   <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"The dispute, he claimed, was not started
+by the employees, but by the employer making
+sweeping reductions in the ages of the men."
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+If he wants to do this sort of thing with
+impunity he should employ women.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>A Food Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;Please <i>do</i> tell
+me. Must I count sausages under the
+meat or the bread allowance? I do so
+want to help my country <i>faithfully</i>.
+
+&mdash;Yours, <span class="sc">Worried Housewife.</span></blockquote>
+
+
+   <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"<span class="sc">Reward</span> 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver
+Toothpick, value sentimental."
+
+&mdash;<i>Nottingham Evening Post.</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+The latest thing in love-tokens.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"After a debate lasting three days, the
+Senate rejected the motion approving Mr.
+Wilson's Nose."&mdash;<i>The Bulletin (Lahore).</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+The Senate has since shown its impartiality
+by registering its profound disapproval
+of the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> Cheek.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"A special constable has received the Silver
+Medal of the Society for Protection of Life
+from fire for his gallantry in mounting a
+ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a
+cook."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+It is understood that members of
+the regular "force" consider that he
+showed some presumption in not leaving
+this particular task to them.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/109.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109.png" alt="BLIGHTED PROSPECTS." /></a>
+
+<h3>BLIGHTED PROSPECTS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bernstorff</span> <span style="font-weight:normal">(<i>bitterly</i>). "PRETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR NEW
+FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!"</span></p>
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Hindenburg</span> <span style="font-weight:normal">(<i>also bitterly</i>). "WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO MINE."</span></p></div>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png" alt="Confound you! Why didn't you sneeze? I was counting on it." /></a>
+
+<p><i>Dug-out</i> (<i>who has been put off on the last three greens
+by his caddie sneezing, and has now foozled his putt again</i>).
+"<span class="sc">Confound you!
+Why didn't you sneeze? I was counting on it.</span>"</p></div>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p>
+<i>Wednesday, February 7th.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">His
+Majesty</span> opened Parliament to-day for
+what we all hope will be the Victory
+Session. But it will not be victory
+without effort. That was the burden
+of nearly all the speeches made to-day,
+from the <span class="sc">King's</span> downwards. <span class="sc">His
+Majesty</span>, who had left his crown and
+robes behind, wore the workmanlike
+uniform of an Admiral of the Fleet; and
+the Peers had forgone their scarlet and
+ermine in favour of khaki and sable.
+When Lord <span class="sc">Stanhope</span>, who moved
+the Address, ventured, in the course
+of an oration otherwise sufficiently
+sedate, to remark that "the great crisis
+of the War had passed," Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span>
+was swift to rebuke this deviation into
+cheerfulness. On the contrary, he declared,
+we were now approaching "the
+supreme and terrible climax of the
+War." He permitted himself, however,
+to impart one or two comforting
+items of information with regard to the
+arming of existing merchant-ships, the
+construction of new tonnage and the
+development of inventions for the discovery
+and deletion of submarines. For
+excellent reasons, no doubt, it was all
+a little vague, but in one respect his
+statement left nothing to be desired in
+the way of precision. "The present
+Government, in its seven weeks of
+office, had taken but two large and one
+small hotels," and is, I gather, marvelling
+at its own moderation.</p>
+<p>
+I was a little disappointed with the
+speeches of the Mover and Seconder
+of the Address in the Commons, for
+of recent years there has been a
+great improvement in this difficult
+branch of oratory. Sir <span class="sc">Hedworth
+Meux</span> must, I think, have been
+dazzled by the effulgence of his epaulettes,
+which were certainly more highly
+polished than his periods. When in
+mufti he is much briefer and brighter.
+As Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> however found both
+speeches "admirable," no more need
+be said.</p>
+<p>
+The <span class="sc">Leader of the Opposition</span>, as
+one must for convenience style him&mdash;though
+in truth there is no Opposition,
+in the strict sense of the word&mdash;just
+said what he ought to have said. For
+one brief moment he seemed to be
+straying on to dangerous ground, when
+he put some questions regarding the
+scope of the coming Imperial Conference;
+but the rest of his speech was
+wholly in keeping with the peroration,
+in which he pleaded that in the prosecution
+of the Nation's aim there should
+be "no jarring voices, no party cross-currents,
+no personal or sectional distractions."</p>
+<p>
+Unfortunately there is a section of
+the Commons over which he exercises
+no control. When Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, as
+Leader of the House, rose to reply,
+the "jarring voices" of Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>
+and others of his kidney were heard in
+chorus, calling for the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Law</span> paid no attention to the
+interruption. He cordially thanked
+Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> for his speech, "the best
+possible testimony to the unity of this
+country," and assured him that the
+Imperial Conference would be primarily
+concerned with the successful
+prosecution of the War. The <span class="sc">German
+Emperor</span> had proved himself a great
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>
+Empire-builder, but it was not his
+own empire that he was building.</p>
+<p>
+Later on Mr. <span class="sc">Pringle</span> reverted to
+the absence of the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>,
+which he, as a person of taste, interpreted
+as "studied disrespect of the
+House of Commons." In this view
+he was supported by Mr. <span class="sc">King</span>. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> must really be careful.</p>
+<p>
+Strange to say, no public notice was
+taken of another distinguished absentee&mdash;the
+Member for East Herts. A few
+days ago, after a violent collision with
+Mr. <span class="sc">Justice Darling</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span>
+announced his intention of
+resigning his seat and submitting himself
+for re-election. But since then we
+have been given to understand that a
+vote of confidence proposed by <span class="sc">Pemberton</span>,
+seconded by <span class="sc">Billing</span>, and
+carried unanimously by the hyphen,
+had convinced him that, as in the
+leading case of Mr. <span class="sc">Cecil Rhodes</span>,
+"resignation can wait."</p>
+<p>
+<i>Thursday, February 8th.</i>&mdash;When we
+read day by day long lists of merchant
+vessels sunk by the enemy submarines
+two questions occur to most of us.
+How does the amount of tonnage lost
+compare with the amount of new tonnage
+put afloat, and what is the number
+of submarines that the Navy has accounted
+for in recent months? Mr.
+<span class="sc">Flavin</span> put the first question to-day,
+but found Sir <span class="sc">Leo Chiozza Money</span>,
+who usually exudes statistics at every
+pore, singularly reticent on the subject.
+All he would say was that a large
+programme of new construction was
+in hand.</p>
+<p>
+Private Members blew off a great
+volume of steam to-day on the proposal
+of the Government to take the
+whole time of the House. Scotsmen,
+Irishmen and an Englishman or two
+joined in the plea that at least they
+should be allowed to introduce their
+various little Bills, even if they did not
+get any further. Perhaps if a Welshman
+had joined the band they might
+have been listened to. As it was, only
+one of them received any comfort. This
+was Mr. <span class="sc">Swift MacNeill</span>, who was
+informed that the Bill to deprive the
+enemy dukes of their British titles, for
+which he has been clamouring these
+two years, would shortly be introduced.
+But for the rest Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> was
+not inclined at this crisis in our fate
+to encourage the raising of questions,
+most of them acutely controversial,
+which would distract attention from
+the War.</p>
+<p>
+On an amendment to the Address
+Mr. <span class="sc">Leslie Scott</span> took up his brief for
+the British farmer, who, deprived of his
+skilled men and faced with higher prices
+for fertilizers and feeding-stuffs, was expected
+to grow more food without having
+any certainty that he would be able
+to dispose of it at a remunerative price.
+Farming is always a bit of a gamble,
+but in present conditions it beats the
+Stock Exchange hollow. Some of the
+proposals which Mr. <span class="sc">Scott</span> outlined to
+improve the situation would have been
+denounced as revolutionary three years
+ago, and were a little too drastic even
+now for Mr. <span class="sc">Prothero</span>. Squeezed
+between the <span class="sc">War Minister</span> and the
+<span class="sc">Food Controller</span>, the <span class="sc">Minister Of
+Agriculture</span> rather resembles the
+<i>Dormouse</i> in <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>; but
+he is really quite all right, thank you.
+Mr. <span class="sc">George Lambert</span> thinks that the
+author of "The Psalms in Human Life"
+is too saintly to tackle Lords <span class="sc">Derby</span>
+and <span class="sc">Devonport</span>, but, if my memory
+serves me, <span class="sc">David</span>&mdash;no allusion to the
+<span class="sc">Premier</span>&mdash;had a rather pretty gift of
+invective.</p>
+<p>
+Let no one say that England is not
+at last awake. Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Bathurst</span>
+to-night made the terrific announcement
+that in some parts of the country
+Masters of Hounds are&mdash;shooting
+foxes.</p>
+<p>
+"This brings the War home," said
+<span class="sc">Ferdinand the Fearful</span> when he
+heard the news.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" alt="There is no verbal charge, Sir." /></a>
+
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>to cloak-room attendant</i>). "<span class="sc">How much?</span>"</p>
+<p>
+<i>Cloak-room Attendant.</i> "<span class="sc">There is no verbal charge, Sir.</span>"</p></div>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"It was agreed to express satisfaction with
+the announcement that the price fixed for the
+potato crop of 1917 was not a miximum price."&mdash;<i>Scots Paper.</i>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+This must be the happy mean of which
+we hear so much.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span>
+
+
+<h3>THE RECENT TRUCE.</h3>
+<p>
+Students of geography know that
+Ballybun is divided from the back
+gardens of Kilterash by the pellucid
+waters of that noble stream, the Bun,
+which hurls itself over a barrier of old
+tin-cans in a frantic effort to find the
+sea. But they do not know that this
+physical division, long ago bridged, is
+nothing to the moral and political
+division which will keep the two for
+ever asunder.</p>
+<p>
+Several of our younger citizens have
+written to me from the trenches to ask
+how the War is progressing. I have
+usually in reply quoted the remark of
+one of their number on leaving
+us for the Front after a short
+holiday, that he was now looking
+forward to a little peace
+and rest. I wish here to add
+a postscript to this concerning
+a recent unexpected truce.</p>
+<p>
+Political geography is not
+written as it should be, so that
+there may be people who have
+not even heard of the Great
+War between Ballybun and
+Kilterash. No one knows for
+certain when it started, or why.
+A local antiquary, after prolonged
+study of chronicles, memorials,
+rolls and records, to
+say nothing of local churchyards,
+refers it with some confidence
+to the reign of <span class="sc">Henry</span>
+II. (<span class="sc">Louis</span> VII. being King of
+France, in the pontificate of
+<span class="sc">Adrian</span> IV. and so on), and to
+the forcible abduction of a pig
+(called the White Pearl) by the
+then ruling monarch of Kilterash.
+The Editor of <i>The Kilterash
+Curfew</i>, in one of his
+recent "Readings for the Day
+of Rest," remarked that Christian
+charity compelled him to
+hurl this foul aspersion back in the
+teeth of this so-called antiquary; the
+whole world knew that the pig had
+been born in the parish of Kilterash,
+but had "strayed" across the Bun,
+as things too often had the habit of
+straying.</p>
+<p>
+I am the "so-called antiquary." My
+little pamphlet proves in less than
+three hundred pages the truth of my
+allegation concerning the abduction of
+the White Pearl, giving the original
+texts on which I rely and the genealogies
+of all concerned in a sordid story.</p>
+<p>
+Since 1157, as far as history records,
+we have been afflicted with only two
+periods of truce. One was when, on
+hearing of the foul wrong done by the
+German Brute in Belgium, we united
+in enlisting recruits for our local regiment.
+This truce was broken by my
+worthy friend, the Editor of <i>The Curfew</i>,
+who pointed out, more in anger than in
+sorrow, that Ballybun had sent six men
+fewer than Kilterash. The second
+truce&mdash;again broken by the enemy&mdash;concerned
+myself. Wishing to add, if
+possible, to the evidence from monuments
+contained in my pamphlet, I
+was copying an inscription I had only
+just discovered in the disused churchyard
+of Killyburnbrae, when one of
+these light Atlantic showers sprang up
+and soaked me to the backbone. The
+result was influenza and a high temperature,
+which rose while I was reading
+<i>The Curfew</i> upon my brochure,
+"<i>The White Pearl of Ballybun</i>, an Impartial
+Examination with the Original
+Documents herein set out and now for
+the first time deciphered by a Member
+of the Society of Antiquarians. Dedicated
+to All Lovers of the Truth.
+Printed by the Ballybun Binnacle Press."</p>
+<p>
+<i>The Curfew</i> said of this fair statement
+of the evidence (with the original
+documents, mind you) that it smacked
+of German scholarship and their graveyard
+style of doing things. My blood
+boiled at this, and to keep me cool my
+niece, who lives with me, pulled down
+all the blinds, as the sun was strong.</p>
+<p>
+An old fish-woman passing by saw
+this and said, "Well, well, the poor old
+fellow's gone at last! A decent man
+in his time, with no taste in fish! We
+must all come to it."  From her the
+news spread forty miles on either side
+of her and reached the Editor of <i>The
+Curfew</i> in the middle of a philippic.
+Next morning I was astounded to read
+in his editorial columns: "Our distinguished
+neighbour and friend&mdash;if he
+will allow us to call him so&mdash;is now no
+more; in other words is gone ... as
+<span class="sc">Virgil</span> remarks ... famous antiquarian
+... scrupulous and methodical,
+and, as we remarked in our last
+issue, reminiscent of the palmy days of
+the best German monumental scholarship
+... our slight differences never
+affected the esteem in which we held
+him as a patriot, citizen, ratepayer and
+Man...."</p>
+<p>
+Now this  was kindly and fair. I
+have written to my worthy
+friend and have  proposed to
+dedicate to him my forthcoming
+work (non-partisan) on the
+"Slant Observable in Some
+Church-Spires, Part I." When
+he had to unbury me, war had
+to be resumed&mdash;it was his side
+that insisted upon it&mdash;but as
+far as the two chieftains are
+concerned it is a war without
+bitterness.   He now introduces
+his attacks with "Our honoured
+and able antiquarian
+friend"; while my answers
+breathe such sentiments as
+"The genial editor of that
+well-conducted organ."</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png" alt="FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS." /></a>
+
+<h4>FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS.</h4>
+<p>
+<i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">What do you suggest for to-day, Miss?</span>"</p>
+<p>
+<i>Waitress</i> (<i>late of Girton</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, Sir, roast mutton,
+two vegetables and sweets will give you the necessary
+protein, calories and carbo-hydrates.</span>"</p></div>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>As You Were.</h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+"Blow to Narkets. Rise of nearly
+400 points. Cotton jump. Germany's
+note breaks the market."
+
+&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo, Feb. 1.</i></blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+"Blow to Markets. Fall of nearly
+400 points. Cotton slump."
+
+&mdash;<i>Same Paper, Later Edition.</i></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+In spite of this sensational
+transformation of a jump into
+a slump we are glad to see that
+typographically at any rate
+the markets had recovered a little from
+their early derangement.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"Supposing a man has porridge and bacon for
+breakfast and a cut from the point or a shop or
+steak for luncheon he may find that he has
+consumed his meat allowance for the day."
+
+&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i> (<i>Manchester Edition</i>).</blockquote>
+
+<p>
+Is not the food problem sufficiently
+difficult already without these additional
+complications? The man who wants
+a whole shop for his luncheon will get
+no sympathy from us.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+From a list of Canon <span class="sc">Masterman's</span>
+lectures on "The War and the Smaller
+Nations of Europe":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+"April 2nd (possibly), 'The Reconstruction
+of Europe.'"&mdash;<i>Western Morning News.</i>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+We commend the lecturer's caution,
+but hope it will prove to have been
+superfluous.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png" alt="...during the recent cold spell." /></a>
+
+<p><span class="sc">This is not a scene from a revue&mdash;it is hardly dull enough for that&mdash;but an everyday performance on the
+platform of any railway station during the recent cold spell.</span></p></div>
+
+    <hr />
+
+<h3>A FORWARD MINX.</h3>
+<p>
+The garden wall was high, yet not
+so high but that any young lady bent
+on attracting the notice of her neighbours
+could look over it. Miss Dot
+indeed regarded an outside flight of
+steps which led to an upper storey as
+an appointed amelioration to the hours
+which she was expected to spend in
+the garden, for it was an easy scramble
+from the stairs to the top of the wall,
+whence she could survey the world.
+To be sure the wall was narrow as
+well as high, but a timorous gait shows
+off a pretty figure, and slight nervousness
+adds a pathetic expression to a
+pretty face; to both of which advantages
+Dot was not, it is to be believed,
+altogether indifferent when khaki coats
+dwelt the other side of that wall.</p>
+<p>
+On this particular day she was trying
+to attract notice in so unrestrained a
+manner that her mother remarked it
+from an upper window. But mothers,
+we are told in these latter days, are not
+always the wisest guardians of their
+"flapper" daughters. This mother had
+a decided <i>penchant</i> for a khaki coat herself;
+only she demanded braid on the
+cuff and a smartly cut collar, and these
+she would greet in the street with a
+tender act of homage which rarely
+failed to win admiring attention. But
+for a daughter who would dash down
+the road after a Tommy she had contempt
+rather than disapproval. So
+she watched with interest, but, alas!
+with no idea of interference.</p>
+<p>
+At first there were only "civvies"
+about, and though the admiration of any
+youthful male was dear to Dot's heart,
+and though chaff and blandishments
+were not wanting, still the wall <i>was</i> high,
+and she lacked the resolve to descend.
+But presently two khaki coats appeared
+and the matter grew more serious. It
+was evident that it was not principle
+or modesty that held her back, but just
+timidity, for she responded eagerly to
+the advances of her admirers, but could
+not quite pluck up courage for that long
+jump down. Affairs grew shameless,
+for the khaki coats fetched a ladder to
+assist the elopement; but Dot made it
+clear that there were difficulties in that
+method of flight, though she wished
+there were not. At last she was enticed
+to a lower portion of the wall,
+and there, half screened by shrubs,
+she was lifted off by the shoulders,
+deliciously reluctant, and received into
+the cordial embrace of an enthusiastic
+soldiery.</p>
+<p>
+And her mother retired to the sofa!</p>
+<p>
+Shortly afterwards musketry instruction
+was proceeding in a public
+place; and behind the little group of
+learners sat Dot, in the seventh heaven
+of joy, drinking it all in with eager
+attention. And the instructing officer
+did not seem to mind.</p>
+<p>
+"How sad and mad and bad it was,"
+a theme for the moralist, the conscientious
+objector, the Army reformer, the
+social reformer, the statistician. Yet
+perhaps even their solemn faces might
+relax to-day at the sight of a long-legged
+Airedale puppy marching at the
+head of the battalion to which she has
+appointed herself mascot.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>Quis Custodiet?</h4>
+
+<blockquote>
+"Engineer desires position as Manager of
+Works Manager."&mdash;<i>The Aeroplane</i>.
+</blockquote>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"&mdash;&mdash; and Sons will sell by Auction four
+Shorthand and Jersey Cows."
+
+&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+
+
+<p>
+As the <span class="sc">Food Controller's</span> Department
+is said to be still short of clerks,
+he may like to bid for these accomplished
+creatures.</p>
+
+    <hr />
+
+
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span>
+
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">"Felix gets a Month."</span ></h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 33%;">
+<a href="images/114.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114.png" alt="BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S NEST." /></a>
+
+<h4>BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S NEST.</h4>
+<p>
+<i>Alderman Twentyman .</i>  Mr. <span class="sc">O.B. Clarence</span >.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Felix Delany . . .</i>         Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon Ash</span >.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+This "whimsical comedy," made by
+Mr. <span class="sc">Leon M. Lion</span > out of a novel by the
+late <span class="sc">Tom Gallon</span >, began in a distinctly
+intriguing mood. <i>Felix</i> had an uncle, a
+sport, on whom he had once played
+a scurvy practical joke. This highly
+tolerant victim eventually cut up for a
+round million, which he left to nephew
+<i>Felix</i> on condition that he should enter
+Umberminster as naked as the day he
+was born and earn his living therein
+for a full calendar month&mdash;a palpable
+posthumous hit to the old man. <i>Felix</i>
+accordingly, equipped as laid down in
+the will, is left by the family solicitor
+in a wood, and, after a night and a
+day in hiding, appears shivering at the
+Mayor's parlour window, abstracts a
+rug for temporary relief, and prevails
+upon the maid, a romantic little orphan
+(who had been reading about river-gods
+and mistakes <i>Felix</i> for one), to
+borrow a suit of the Mayor's clothes&mdash;into
+which he gets in time to interview
+that worthy when he returns with his
+grim lady. "You'll get a month," says
+she with damnable iteration; and the
+resourceful <i>Felix</i>, with an eye to the
+whimsical will, whimsically suggests
+that justice would be better fulfilled by
+his putting in the month at the Mayor's
+house as odd-job man than by his
+being conveyed to the county jail. And
+the Mayor whimsically agrees.</p>
+<p>
+After that, I regret to say, honest
+whimsicality took wing, and the show
+became merely&mdash;shall we say?&mdash;eupeptic.
+And certainly a much more
+elaborate meal than my lord <span class="sc">Devonport</span >
+allowed me would be required to
+induce a mood sufficiently tolerant to
+face without impatience the welter
+which followed. The three incredible
+people&mdash;mercenary virgin, heavy father
+and aimless smiling villain&mdash;that walked
+straight out of the Elephant and Castle
+into the Second Act were not, I suspect,
+any elaborate (and quite irrelevant) joke
+of the actor-author's at the expense
+of the transpontine method, but just
+queer puppets brought on to disentangle
+the complications, though I confess I
+half thought that the villain, Mr. <span class="sc">Lawrence
+Leyton</span >, was pulling our legs
+with a quite deliberate burlesque. On
+the whole I am afraid this play is but
+another wreck on that old snag of the
+dramatised novel.</p>
+<p>
+But there were plenty of isolated good
+things, such as Mr. <span class="sc">O.B. Clarence's</span >
+really excellent Mayor, puzzled, pompous,
+eagle-pecked. Miss <span class="sc">Florence
+Ivor</span >, the eagle in question, gave a
+shrewd and shrewish portrait of a
+wife gey ill to live with. Mr. <span class="sc">Reginald
+Bach's</span > very entertaining imaginary
+portrait of a faithful boy scout was a
+stroke of genius, his "call of the wild"
+being by far the best whim of the
+evening. Miss <span class="sc">Eva Leonard-Boyne</span > as
+<i>Ninetta</i>, the orphan, did her little job
+tenderly and prettily, but I couldn't
+believe in <i>Ninetta</i> in that galley, and I
+doubt if she did. Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon Ash</span > was
+the debonair hero. I do most solemnly
+entreat him to consider the example of
+some of the elders in his profession who
+have adopted a laugh as their principal
+bit of business. It may turn into a
+millstone. Was he not laughing the
+same laugh on this very stage in a
+very different part three days ago? He
+was. If he got a month, laugh-barred,
+he would profit by the sentence. For
+he has jolly good stuff in him.</p>
+<p class="author">
+T.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>More Commandeering.</h4>
+<p>
+From a report of the <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span >
+speech at Carnarvon:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+"There are eight million houses in this
+country. Let us have VICTORY GUM
+FACTORY, Nelson, Lancs."&mdash;<i>Daily Dispatch.</i>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+But surely he does not want to be
+known as "The Stickit Minister."</p>
+
+    <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"A grocer in a London suburb complains
+that on Saturday he and his staff were 'run
+o ffthei rlegs by the extraordinary demands of
+customers.'"&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+We congratulate the printer on his
+gallant effort to depict the situation.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+"Wanted, Cook Generals, House Parlourmaids;
+fiends might suit."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+Discussion of the eternal servant problem
+is apt to be one-sided; it was
+quite time that we heard from the
+<i>advocatus diaboli</i>.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h3>TO STEPHEN LEACOCK</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note">
+(<i>Professor of Political Economy at
+McGill University, Montreal, and
+author of "Further Foolishness" and
+other notable works of humour</i>).
+</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+
+<p>The life that is flagrantly double,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Conflicting in conduct and aim,</p>
+<p>Is seldom untainted by trouble</p>
+  <p class="i2">And commonly closes in shame;</p>
+<p>But no such anxieties pester</p>
+  <p class="i2">Your dual existence, which links</p>
+<p>The functions of don and of jester&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i6">High thought and high jinks.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Your earliest venture perhaps is</p>
+  <p class="i2">Unique in the rapture intense</p>
+<p>Displayed in these riotous Lapses</p>
+  <p class="i2">From all that could savour of sense,</p>
+<p>Recalling the "goaks" and the gladness</p>
+  <p class="i2">Of one whom we elders adored&mdash;</p>
+<p>The methodical midsummer madness</p>
+      <p class="i6">Of <span class="sc">Artemus Ward</span >.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>With you, O enchanting Canadian,</p>
+  <p class="i2">We laughed till you gave us a stitch</p>
+<p>In our sides at the wondrous Arcadian</p>
+  <p class="i2">Exploits of the indolent rich;</p>
+<p>We loved your satirical sniping,</p>
+  <p class="i2">And followed, far over "the pond,"</p>
+<p>The lure of your whimsical piping</p>
+      <p class="i6">Behind the Beyond.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In place of the squalor that stretches</p>
+  <p class="i2">Unchanged o'er the realist's page,</p>
+<p>The sunshine that glows in your Sketches</p>
+  <p class="i2">Is potent our griefs to assuage;</p>
+<p>And when, on your mettlesome charger,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Full tilt against reason you go,</p>
+<p>Your Lunacy's finer and Larger</p>
+      <p class="i6">Than any I know.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The faults of ephemeral fiction,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Exotic, erotic or smart,</p>
+<p>The vice of delirious diction,</p>
+  <p class="i2">The latest excesses of Art&mdash;</p>
+<p>You flay in felicitous fashion,</p>
+  <p class="i2">With dexterous choice of your tools,</p>
+<p>A scourge for unsavoury passion,</p>
+      <p class="i6">A hammer for fools.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And yet, though so freakish and dashing,</p>
+  <p class="i2">You are not the slave of your fun,</p>
+<p>For there's nobody better at lashing</p>
+  <p class="i2">The crimes and the cant of the Hun;</p>
+<p>Anyhow, I'd be proud as a peacock</p>
+  <p class="i2">To have it inscribed on my tomb:</p>
+<p>"He followed the footsteps of <span class="sc">Leacock</span ></p>
+      <p class="i6">In banishing gloom."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+   <hr />
+<p>
+From an Indian clerk's letter to his
+employer:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+"I am glad that the War is progressing
+very favourably for the Allies. We long for
+the day when, according to Lord Curzon's
+saying, 'The Bengal Lancers will petrol the
+streets of Berlin.'"
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+Quite the right spirit.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png" alt="Look, Bill&mdash;soldiers!" /></a>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Awe-struck Tommy (from the trenches).</i> <span  class="sc">"Look, Bill&mdash;soldiers!"</span ></p></div>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+<p>
+It may be as well for me to confess at once the humiliating
+fact that I am not, and never have been, an Etonian.
+If that be a serious disqualification for life in general, how
+much more serious must it be for the particular task of
+reviewing a book which is of Eton all compact, a book, for
+example, like <i>Memories of Eton Sixty Years Ago</i>, by <span  class="sc">A.C.
+Ainger</span >, with contributions from <span  class="sc">N.G. Lyttelton</span > and
+<span  class="sc">John Murray</span > (<span  class="sc">Murray</span >). For I have never been "up to"
+anybody; I have never been present at "absence"; I have
+no real understanding of the difference between a "tutor"
+and a "dame"; I call a "<i>p&oelig;na</i>" by the plebeian name of
+"imposition"; and, until I had read Mr. <span  class="sc">Aingers's</span > book, I
+had never heard of the verb "to brosier" or the noun substantive
+"bever." Altogether my condition is most deplorable.
+Yet there are some alleviations in my lot, and one of
+them has been the reading of this delightful book. I found it
+most interesting, and can easily imagine how Etonians will
+be absorbed in it, for it will revive for them many an old
+and joyful memory of the days that are gone. Mr. <span  class="sc">Ainger</span >
+discourses, with a <i>mitis sapientia</i> that is very attractive, on
+the fashions and manners of the past and the gradual process
+of their development into the Eton of the present.
+He is proud, as every good Etonian must be, of Eton as it
+exists, but now and again he hints that the Eton of an
+older time was in some respects a simpler and a better
+place. The mood, however, never lasts long, and no one
+can quarrel with the way in which it is expressed. General
+<span  class="sc">Lyttelton</span >, too, in one of his contributions, relates how
+on his return from a long stay in India he visited Eton,
+expecting to be modestly welcomed by shy and ingenuous
+youths, and how, instead, he was received and patronised
+by young but sophisticated men of the world. The
+<span  class="sc">General</span >, I gather, was somewhat chilled by his experience.
+Altogether this book is emphatically one without which no
+Etonian's library can be considered complete.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+Perhaps of all our War correspondents Mr. <span  class="sc">Philip Gibbs</span >
+contrives to give in his despatches the liveliest sense of the
+movement, the pageantry and the abominable horror of
+war. Pageantry there is, for all the evil boredom and
+weariness of this pit-and-ditch business, and Mr. <span  class="sc">Gibbs</span >
+sees finely and has an honest pen that avoids the easy
+<i>cliché</i>. You might truthfully describe his book, <i>The Battles
+of the Somme</i> (<span  class="sc">Heinemann</span >), as an epic of the New Armies.
+He never seems to lose his wonder at their courage and
+their spirit, and always with an undercurrent of sincerely
+modest apology for his own presence there with his notebook,
+a mere chronicler of others' gallantry. This chronicle
+begins at the glorious 1st of July and ends just before
+Beaumont-Hamel, which the author miserably missed,
+being sent home on sick leave. It is a book that may well
+be one of those preserved and read a generation hence by
+men who want to know what the great War was really
+like. God knows it ought to help them to do something to
+prevent another. Yet there is nothing morbid in it. As the
+sergeant thigh-deep in a flooded trench said, "You know,
+Sir, it doesn't do to take this war seriously." The
+armies of a nation that takes its pleasures sadly take
+their bitter pains with a grin; and that grin is what has
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span>
+made them such an unexpectedly tough proposition to the
+All-Seriousest.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+<p>
+An old adage warns us never to buy a "pig in a poke."
+Equally good advice for the heroines of fiction or drama
+would be never under any circumstances to marry a bridegroom
+in a mask. In more cases than I can recall, neglect
+of this simple precaution has led to a peck of trouble. I
+am thinking now of <i>Yvonne</i>, leading lady in <i>The Mark of
+Vraye</i> (<span  class="sc">Hutchinson</span >). I admit that poor <i>Yvonne</i> had more
+excuse than most. Hers was what you might call a hard
+case. On the one hand there was the villain <i>Philippe</i>, a
+most naughty man, swearing that she was in his power,
+and calling for instant marriage at the hands of <i>Father
+Simon</i>, who happened to be present. On the other hand,
+the gentleman in the mask revealed a pair of eyes that poor
+<i>Yvonne</i> rashly supposed to belong to someone for whom
+she had more than a partiality. So when he suggested
+that the proposed ceremony should take place during
+<i>Philippe's</i> temporary absence
+from the stage,
+with himself as substitute,
+<i>Yvonne</i> (astonished
+perhaps at her own luck
+so early in the plot)
+simply jumped at the
+idea. Then, of course,
+the deed being done, off
+comes the mask, and
+behold the triumphant
+countenance of her bitterest
+foe, <i>Charles de
+Montbrison</i>, whom she
+herself had disfigured as
+the (supposed) murderer
+of her brother. Act drop
+and ten minutes' interval.
+Need I detail for
+you the subsequent
+course of this marriage
+of inconvenience? The
+courage and magnanimity
+of one side, the
+feminine cruelty melting
+at last to love, and finally
+the inevitable duologue
+of reconciliation, through which I can never help hearing
+the rustle of opera-cloaks and the distant cab-whistles.
+Charming, charming. Mr. <span  class="sc">H.B. Somerville</span > has furnished
+a pleasant entertainment, and one that (like all good
+readers or spectators) you will enjoy none the less because
+of its entire familiarity.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+<i>The Flight of Mariette</i> (<span  class="sc">Chapman and Hall</span >) is a slender
+volume, whose simplicity gives it a poignancy both incongruous
+and grim. Much of it you might compare to the
+diary of a butterfly before and whilst being broken on the
+wheel. <i>Mariette</i>, the jolly little maid of Antwerp, was so
+tender and harmless a butterfly; and the machine that
+broke her life and drove her to the martyrdom of exile was
+so huge and cruel a thing. How cruel in its effects it is
+well for us just now to be again reminded, lest, in these days
+of hurrying horrors, remembrance should be weakened.
+To that extent therefore Miss <span  class="sc">Gertrude E.M. Vaughan</span >
+has done good service in compiling this human document
+of accusation. In a preface Mr. <span  class="sc">John Galsworthy</span >
+pleads the cause of our refugee guests, not so much for
+charity as for comprehension. Certainly, <i>The Flight of
+Mariette</i> will do much to further such understanding. I
+think I need only add that half the proceeds of its sale will
+go to feed the seven million Belgians still in Belgium (prey
+to the twin wolves of Prussia and starvation) for you to
+see that three shillings and sixpence could hardly be better
+used than in the purchase of a copy.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+I was beginning to wonder whether Mr. <span  class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span >
+was suffering from writer's cramp, so much longer than
+usual does it seem since I heard from him. Now, however,
+my anxiety is relieved by <i>My Devon Year</i> (<span  class="sc">Scott</span >), a
+delightful book which could have come from no other pen
+than his. It is a marvel how many fragrant things he
+still finds to say, and with what inexhaustible freshness,
+about his beloved county. I hesitate to give these sketches
+an indiscriminate recommendation, because to those who
+walk through the country with closed eyes they will have
+little or no meaning; but if you are in love with beauty
+and can appreciate its translation into exquisite language
+you will draw from them a real and lasting joy. Let me
+confess now that I once
+asked Mr. <span  class="sc">Phillpotts</span > to
+give Devonshire a rest,
+and that I accept <i>My
+Devon Year</i> as a convincing
+proof that this
+request was ill-considered.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+I wish Mr. <span  class="sc">Douglas
+Sladen</span > would not throw
+so many bouquets at his
+characters. <i>Roger Wynyard</i>,
+the hero of <i>Grace
+Lorraine</i> (<span  class="sc">Hutchinson</span >),
+was really just a very
+ordinary youth, but when
+I discovered that he was
+"the fine flower of our
+Public-School system,"
+"as chivalrous as a
+Bayard," and so forth,
+I began&mdash;unfairly, perhaps,
+but quite irresistibly&mdash;to
+entertain a
+considerable prejudice
+against him. Let me
+hasten, however, to add that Mr. <span  class="sc">Sladen</span > has packed his
+novel with the kind of incident which appeals to the
+popular mind, though his conclusion may cause a shock to
+those who think that our divorce-laws are in need of
+reform. In the matter of style Mr. <span  class="sc">Sladen</span > is content
+with something short of perfection. "It was easier for her
+to forgive a man, with his happy-go-lucky nature, for
+getting into trouble, than to forgive his getting out again
+by not being sufficiently careful not to add to the other
+person's misfortune." For myself, I do not find it so easy
+to forgive these happy-go-lucky methods in a writer who
+ought to know better by now.</p>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/116.png"><img width="100%" src="images/116.png" alt="Who goes there?" /></a>
+<p>
+<i>Sentry</i>. "<span  class="sc">Who goes there?</span >"</p>
+<p>
+<i>Tommy</i>. "<span  class="sc">Friend</span >."</p>
+<p>
+<i>Sentry</i> (<i>on recognising voice</i>). "<span  class="sc">Friend! I don't think. Why,
+you're the chap who bagged my mess-tin before the last kit-inspection.</span >"</p></div>
+
+   <hr />
+
+<h4>The War Loan; a Last Appeal.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+
+<p>Now, by the memory of our gallant dead,</p>
+   <p class="i2">And by our hopes of peace through victory won,</p>
+<p>Lend of your substance; let it not be said</p>
+         <p class="i6">You left your part undone.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Lend all and gladly. If this bitter strife</p>
+   <p class="i2">May so by one brief hour be sooner stayed,</p>
+<p>Then is your offering, spent to ransom life,</p>
+         <p class="i6">A thousand times repaid.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, February 14, 1917, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+February 14, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 14, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2006 [EBook #17471]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 14th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"We will hold up wheat, we will hold up meat, we will hold up
+munitions of war and we will hold up the world's commerce," says Herr
+BALLIN. Meanwhile his countrymen on the Western front are content to
+hold up their hands.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported from German Headquarters that the KAISER intends to
+confer on Count BERNSTORFF the Iron Cross with white ribbon. This has,
+we understand, caused consternation in official circles, where it is
+felt that after all the Count has done his best for Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are at war," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, a statement which only
+goes to prove that there is nothing hidden from the great minds of
+Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that Mr. HENRY FORD has offered to place his works at the
+disposal of the American authorities seems to indicate that he is
+determined to get America on his side, one way or the other.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. S.F. EDGE, the famous motorist, now on the FOOD CONTROLLER'S
+staff, has given it as his opinion that a simple outdoor life is best
+for pigs. We are ashamed to say that our own preference for excluding
+them from our drawing-room has hitherto been dictated by purely
+selfish motives.
+
+       ***
+
+America is making every preparation for a possible war, and Mexico,
+not to be outdone, has decided to hold a Presidential election.
+
+       ***
+
+It is true that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has visited the Front, but too
+little has, we think, been made of the fact that he wore khaki--just
+like an ordinary person, in fact.
+
+       ***
+
+A sensational story reaches us to the effect that a new journalistic
+enterprise in Berlin is being devoted to the "reliable reporting of
+news." We have always maintained that to be successful in business you
+must strike out on original lines.
+
+       ***
+
+An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage has been opened in the Middle
+Temple Gardens. The authorities are said to be considering an offer
+confidentially communicated to them by the German Government to add
+Count ZEPPELIN as an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage.
+
+       ***
+
+Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club are starting a piggery on their
+course, and an elderly golfer who practises on a common near London is
+about to write to _The Spectator_ to state that on Saturday he started
+a rabbit.
+
+       ***
+
+The American Association for the Advance of Science decided at a
+recent convocation that the ape had descended from man. This statement
+has evoked a very strong protest in monkey circles.
+
+       ***
+
+The tuck-shops of Harrow have been loyally placed out of bounds by
+the boys themselves, though of course these establishments, like the
+playing fields of Eton, had their part in the winning of Waterloo.
+
+       ***
+
+One of our large restaurants is printing on its menus the actual
+weight of meat used in each dish. In others, fish is being put on the
+table accompanied by its own scales.
+
+       ***
+
+We are requested to carry home our own purchases, and one of the
+firms for whom we feel sorry is Messrs. FURNESS, WITHY & COMPANY, of
+Liverpool, who have just purchased Passage Docks, Cork.
+
+       ***
+
+Australia by organising her Commonwealth Loan Group, once again lives
+up to her motto, "Advance, Australia."
+
+       ***
+
+The Coroner of East Essex having set the example of keeping pigs in
+his rose garden, it is rumoured that _The Daily Mail_ contemplates
+offering a huge prize for a Standard Rose-Scented Pig.
+
+       ***
+
+To be in line with many of our contemporaries we are able to state
+definitely that the War is bound to come to an end, though we have not
+yet fixed on the exact date.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE PARKS.
+
+A FORECAST OF NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY.
+
+_Spinster_ (_reads_). "Dearest, meet me by the scarecrow in Hyde
+Park."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AIR-CASTLES.
+
+  When I grow up to be a man and wear whate'er I please,
+  Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed--I will have none of these;
+  For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so Harris-tweed won't do,
+  And fat commercial travellers are dressed in dingy blue;
+  Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and sad souls in the City,
+  But I'll wear Linsey-Woolsey because it sounds so pretty.
+    I don't know what it looks like,
+      I don't know how it feels,
+    But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy
+      Prettily appeals.
+
+  And when I find a lovely maid to settle all my cash on,
+  She will be much too beautiful to need the gauds of fashion.
+  No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or crepe-de-chine
+  Will the maiden of my fancy wear--no chiffon, no sateen,
+  No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of costly price,
+  But she'll be clad in Dimity because it sounds so nice.
+    I don't know what it looks like,
+      I do not know its feel,
+    But a dimpled maid in Dimity
+      Was ever my ideal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST MENU CARD.
+
+    "To-day is one of the great moments of history. Germany's last
+    card is on the table. It is war to the knife. Either she starves
+    Great Britain or Great Britain starves her."
+
+    _Mr. Curtin in "The Times."_
+
+Mr. CURTIN has lost a great chance for talking of "War to the
+knife-and-fork." Possibly he was away in Germany at the time when this
+_jeu d'esprit_ was invented.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Canadian papers are unanimous that the German peace proposals
+    are premature, and will be refused saskatoon."
+
+    _Examiner_ (_Launceston, Tasmania_).
+
+We had not heard before that Germany had asked for Saskatoon, but
+anyway we are glad she is not going to get it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a schoolgirl's essay:--
+
+    "The Reconnaissance was the time when people began to wake up ...
+    Friar Jelicoe was a very great painter; he painted angles."
+
+Probably an ancestor of the gallant gentleman who recently had a brush
+with the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS TACTICS.
+
+  Were I a burglar in the dock
+    With every chance of doing time,
+  With Justice sitting like a rock
+    To hear a record black with crime;
+  If my conviction seemed a cert,
+    Yet, by a show of late repentance,
+  I thought I might, with luck, avert
+    A simply crushing sentence;--
+
+  I should adopt, by use of art,
+    A pensive air of new-born grace,
+  In hope to melt the Bench's heart
+    And mollify its awful face;
+  I should not go and run amok,
+    Nor in a fit of senseless fury
+  Punch the judicial nose or chuck
+    An inkpot at the jury.
+
+  So with the Hun: you might assume
+    He would exert his homely wits
+  To mitigate the heavy doom
+    That else would break him all to bits;
+  Yet he behaves as one possessed,
+    Rampaging like a bull of Bashan,
+  Which, as I think, is not the best
+    Means of conciliation.
+
+  For when the wild beast, held and bound,
+    Ceases to plunge and rave and snort,
+  The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound
+    Remarks on this contempt of court;
+  The plea for mercy, urged too late,
+    Should prove a negligible cipher,
+  And when the sentence seals his fate
+    He'll get at least a lifer.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The KAISER and Count BERNSTORFF._)
+
+_The Kaiser_ (_concluding a tirade_). And so, in spite of my
+superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to. Germany is
+smacked in the face in view of the whole world--yes, I repeat it, is
+smacked in the face, and by a nation which is not a nation at all, but
+a sweeping together of the worst elements in all the other nations,
+a country whose navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist; and
+you, Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence and tell
+me that, with the careful instructions given to you by my Government
+and by myself, you were not able to prevent such an end to the
+negotiations? It is a thing that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even
+I, who have learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern my
+temper--even I feel strangely moved, for I know how deplorable will be
+the effect of this on our Allies and on the other neutral Powers.
+Our enemies, too, will be exalted by it and thus the War will be
+prolonged. No, Count, at such a moment one does not appear before
+one's Emperor with a smiling face.
+
+_Count B._ God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who have a
+smiling face. At such a moment there could be no reason for it. But
+your Majesty will remember, in justice to myself, that I have not
+ceased to warn your Majesty from the very beginning that unless
+something actual and definite was conceded to the feeling of the
+United States trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment
+of Belgium--
+
+_The Kaiser_. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the Belgians. No
+more ungrateful race has ever infested the earth. Besides, did I not
+say that my heart bled for Louvain?
+
+_Count B._ The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad taste not to
+believe you. It was in vain that I spread those gracious words of
+yours broadcast throughout the land. They only laughed at your
+Majesty.
+
+_The Kaiser_. Yes, I know they did, curse them.
+
+_Count B._ Then there came the deplorable sinking of the _Lusitania_.
+
+_The Kaiser_. Oh, don't speak to me of the _Lusitania_. I'm sick to
+death of the very name. Besides, how do you dare to call her sinking
+deplorable? I authorised it; that ought to be enough for you and for
+everybody else.
+
+_Count B._ I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said "deplorable" I was
+alluding not so much to the act itself as to its effect on opinion in
+the United States. From that moment the Americans stiffened in their
+attitude towards us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable.
+I warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your Majesty
+preferred to disregard what I said.
+
+_The Kaiser_. And have you any complaint to make? Is your opinion of
+yourself so high that one may not without sacrilege disregard your
+opinion?
+
+_Count B._ Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not infallible, not
+being an Emperor, but I happen in this case to have been right. And
+then on the top of all the other things comes the Note announcing the
+new under-sea policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans
+to be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a certain
+way. No, really, with a proud nation--
+
+_The Kaiser_. Proud! A race of huckstering money-grubbers.
+
+_Count B._ With a proud nation--I must repeat it, your Majesty--such
+a course must lead straight to war. But perhaps that was what your
+advisers wanted, though I cannot see why they should want it. But for
+myself I must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what has
+come to pass. There is perhaps yet time to undo the mischief.
+
+_The Kaiser_. No, it is too late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS OTHERS SEE US.
+
+The General Officer Commanding, as he appears to:
+
+(1) _His Chief of Staff_.--The one insuperable obstacle to tactical
+triumphs such as CAESAR and NAPOLEON never knew.
+
+(2) _His youngest A.D.C._--A perpetual fountain of unsterilized
+language.
+
+(3) _Certain Subalterns_.--The greatest man on earth.
+
+(4) _Tommy Atkins_.--A benevolent old buffer in scarlet and gold who
+periodically takes an inexplicable interest in Tommy's belt and brass
+buttons. An excuse for his sergeant's making him present arms.
+
+(5) _The British Public_.--A name in the newspapers.
+
+(6) _Himself_.--(_a_) Before dinner: An unfortunate, overworked and
+ill-used old man. (_b_) After dinner: England's hope and Sir WILLIAM
+ROBERTSON'S right hand.
+
+(7) _His Wife_.--A very lovable, but helpless, baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his school:--
+
+    "A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials
+    talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the
+    famines set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes
+    of agriculturists, the major portion of the supporters of the ----
+    school. The puffs of misery bleached white the flush of early and
+    latter times; dinner-hours grew few and far between; and with the
+    Sun of Loaf sank all wakefulness to light and culture."
+
+This last feature sounds a little like Berlin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATIONAL SERVICE.
+
+JOHN BULL. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE,
+AND I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT TO SPARE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW THIS EGG GOT PAST THE FOOD CONTROLLER I CAN'T
+IMAGINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE DICTATORS.
+
+(_Being a tragedy of the moment and incidentally a guide to the art of
+handing out correspondence to the typist._)
+
+I.
+
+There are, of course, as many styles of dictating letters as there
+are of writing them; but three stand out. One is the Indignant
+Confidential; one the Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense
+Efficient. Bitter experience in three orderly London houses only a day
+or so ago chances to have led to such complete examples of each of
+these styles that the reader has the felicity of acquiring at the same
+time a valuable insight into business methods and a glimpse of what
+Nature in the person of Jack Frost can do with even the best regulated
+of cities.
+
+We will take first the Hesitant Tactful, where the typist is not
+merely considered as a human being but invited to become an ally. The
+dictator is Mr. Vernon Crombie.
+
+"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter I want to dictate and get off
+by hand at once, because my house isn't fit to live in through burst
+pipes. The plumbers promised to send yesterday, but didn't, and to-day
+they can't come, it seems, and really it's most serious. Ceilings
+being ruined, you know. The bore is that there aren't any other
+plumbers that I know of, and one is so at the mercy of these people
+that we must go very delicately. You understand. We mustn't say a word
+to set their backs up any higher than they already are. Anger's no
+good in this case. Here we must be tactful, and I want you to help me.
+I knew you would.
+
+Now we'll begin. _To Messrs. Morrow & Hope. Dear Sirs,--I hate_--no,
+that's a little too strong, perhaps--_I much dislike_--that's
+better--_I much dislike to bother you at a time when I know you must
+be overworked in every direction_--you see the idea, don't you? What
+we've got to do is to get on their soft side. It's no use bullyragging
+them; understanding their difficulties is much better. You see that,
+don't you? Of course; I knew you would. Now then. Where was I?
+Oh yes--_overworked in every direction; but if, as you promised
+yesterday, but unfortunately were unable_--I think that's good, don't
+you? Much better than saying that they had broken their promise--_to
+manage, you could spare a man to attend to our pipes without further
+delay_--I think you might underline _without further delay_. Would
+that be safe, I wonder? Yes, I think so--_I should be more than
+grateful._ And now there's a problem. What I have been pondering is if
+it would be wise to offer to pay an increased charge. I'd do anything
+to get the pipes mended, but, on the other hand, it's not a sound
+precedent. A state of society in which everyone bid against everyone
+else for the first services of the plumber would be unbearable. Only
+the rich would ever be plumbed, and very soon the plumbers would be
+the millionaires. Perhaps we had better let the letter go as it is?
+You think so and I think so. Very well then, just _Believe me, yours
+faithfully_, and I'll sign it."
+
+And now the Indignant and Confidential. Mr. Horace Bristowe is
+dictative: "Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now I've got trouble with
+the plumbers, and I want to give the blighters--well, I can't say it
+to you, but you know what I mean. There's my house dripping at every
+pore, or rather pouring at every drip--I say, that's rather good; I
+must remember that to tell them this evening. Just put that down on a
+separate piece of paper, will you. Well, here's the place all soaked
+and not a man can I get. They promised to send on Tuesday, they
+promised to send yesterday, and this morning comes a note saying that
+they can't now send till to-morrow. What do you think of that? And
+they have worked for me for years. Years I've been employing them.
+
+"Let's begin, anyway. _To Messrs. Tarry & Knott. Dear Sirs_--No, I'm
+hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous convention! They're not
+dear--except in their charges. I say, that's not bad. No, just put
+_Gentlemen_. But that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen, the swine!
+They're anything but gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers, liars.
+Seriously, Miss Tappit, I ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am I, an
+old customer, with burst pipes doing endless damage, and they can't
+send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you know, it's the limit. I know
+about the War and all that. I make every allowance. But I still say
+it's the limit. Well, we must put the thing in the third person, I
+suppose, if I'm not to call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.' _Mr.
+Horace Bristowe presents his comp_--Good Heavens! he does nothing of
+the kind--_Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to_--Begs! Of course I don't beg.
+This really is becoming idiotic. Can't one write a letter like an
+honest man, instead of all this flunkey business? Begin again: _To
+Messrs. Tarry & Nott. Mr. Horace Bristowe considers that he has been
+treated with a lack of consideration_--no, we can't have 'considers'
+and 'consideration' so near together. What's another word for
+'consideration'?--_treated with a lack of--a lack of_--Well, we'll
+keep 'consideration' and alter 'considers.' Begin again: _Mr. Horace
+Bristowe thinks_--no, that's not strong enough--_believes_--no. Ah,
+I've got it--_Mr. Horace Bristowe holds that he has been treated by
+you with a lack of consideration which_--I wonder if 'which' is better
+than 'that'--_a lack of consideration that, considering his long_--no,
+we can't have 'considering' just after 'consideration'--_that_--no,
+_which--which--in view of his long record as_--What I want to say is
+that it's an infernal shame that after all these years, in which I've
+put business in their way and paid them scores of pounds, they should
+treat me in this scurvy fashion, that's what I mean. The swine! I tell
+you, Miss Tappit, it's infamous. I--(and so on).
+
+The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman, so clear-headed and capable
+that it is his continual surprise that he is not in the Cabinet
+without the preliminary of an election, handles his correspondence
+very differently. He presses a button for Miss Pether. She is really
+Miss Carmichael, but it is a rule in this model office that the typist
+takes a dynastic name, and Pether now goes with the typewriter, just
+as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and
+pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up
+with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and
+knowledge of her attainments.
+
+"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen
+comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man
+yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing
+both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in
+reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at
+once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance
+cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to
+pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your
+employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job
+priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am
+comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy
+to get a taxi."
+
+II.
+
+None of the plumbers sent any men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BROTHERS TINGO, WHO ARE EXEMPTED FROM MILITARY
+SERVICE, DO THEIR BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ARE GOING ON THE
+LAND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a
+    light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish
+    Times._
+
+We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.
+
+II.
+
+  Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair,
+    Belgravia's Winter Greens;
+  None so nicely as _they_ fare
+    Save Cox's Kidney Beans;
+  Mustard-and-Cress in boxes,
+    Greens in the jardiniere,
+  And a trellis of Beans at Cox's,
+    Facing Trafalgar Square.
+
+  Lady Biffington's daughters
+    Are mulching the Greens with Clay;
+  Lady Smiffington waters
+    The Mustard-and-Cress all day;
+  And Cox's cashiers (those oners!)
+    Are feeling extremely rash,
+  For they're pinching the tips of the Runners
+    As they never would pinch your cash.
+
+  Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard,
+    The Cress is hardy and hale;
+  Belgravia's housemaids dust hard
+    To keep the dust from the Kale;
+  But Cox's cashiers look solemn,
+    For their Beans (which sell by the sack)
+  Would cover the Nelson Column
+    If they didn't keep pinching them back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WEATHER AT HEALTH RESORTS.
+
+                            Temp.
+             Sunshine.   Max.  Min.     Weather.
+Felixstowe      0.0       22    29     Some snow."
+
+_Morning Paper._
+
+And some thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PETHERTON'S DONKEY;
+
+OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY.
+
+I hadn't had a letter-writing bout with Petherton for some time, and,
+feeling in need of a little relaxation, I seized the opportunity
+afforded by Petherton's installing a very noisy donkey in his paddock
+adjoining my garden, and wrote to him as follows:--
+
+DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I do not like making complaints against a
+neighbour, as you know, but the new tenant of your field does not seem
+to argue a good selection on your part, unless his braying has a more
+soothing effect on you than it has on me.
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+  HARRY J. FORDYCE.
+
+I was evidently in luck, as I drew Petherton's literary fire at once.
+
+SIR (he wrote),--I should have thought that you would have been the
+last person in the world to object to this particular noise. Allow
+me to inform you that I purchased the donkey for several family and
+personal reasons which cannot possibly concern you.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+I translated this letter rather freely for my own ends, and replied:--
+
+DEAR PETHERTON,--I apologise. I had no idea that the animal was in any
+way connected with your family. If it is a poor relation I must say
+you are fortunate in being able to fob him (or should it be her?)
+off so easily, as he (or she) appears to live a life of comparative
+luxury, at little cost, I should imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad
+to know whether the animal, in exercising its extraordinary vocal
+powers, is calling for his (or her) mate, or merely showing off for
+the amusement of your fascinating poultry who share its pleasaunce.
+
+Can't you possibly fit the brute with a silencer, as the noise it
+makes is disturbing, especially to me, my study window being very
+close to the hedge?
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+  HARRY FORDYCE.
+
+P.S.--I am thinking of laying down a bed of poisoned carrots for early
+use. Perhaps with your chemical knowledge you can suggest an effective
+top-dressing for them.
+
+Petherton rose to the bait and wrote--the same night--as follows:--
+
+SIR,--In your unfortunate correspondence with me you have always shown
+yourself better at rudeness than repartee. Did you not learn at school
+the weakness of the _tu quoque_ line of argument? You speak of your
+study window being near my field. The name "study" suggests literary
+efforts. Is it in your case merely a room devoted to the penning of
+senseless and impertinent letters to unoffending neighbours, who have
+something better to do than waste their time reading and answering
+them? I hope this letter will be the last one I shall find it
+necessary to write to you.
+
+_Re_ your postscript. Try prussic acid, but pray do not confine it to
+the toilets of your carrots. A few drops on the tongue would, I am
+sure, make you take a less distorted view of things, and you would
+cease to worry over such trifles as the braying of a harmless animal.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+Of course I simply had to reply to this, but made no reference to
+the _tu quoque_ question. He had evidently failed to grasp, or had
+ignored, the rather obvious suggestion in the last few words of my
+first letter on the subject. I wrote:--
+
+MY DEAR CHAP,--Thanks so much for your prompt reply and valuable
+information about prussic acid. There was, however, one omission in
+the prescription. You didn't say on whose tongue the acid should be
+placed. If you meant on the donkey's it seems an excellent idea. I'll
+try it, so excuse more now, as the chemist's will be closed in a few
+minutes.
+
+  Yours in haste,
+  HARRY F.
+
+Petherton was getting angry, and his reply was terse and venomous:--
+
+SIR,--Yes, I did mean the donkey's. It will cure both his stupid
+braying and his habit of writing absurd and childish letters.
+
+But if you poison _my_ donkey it will cost you a good deal more than
+you will care to pay, especially in war-time.
+
+It is a pity you're too old for the army; you might have been shot by
+now.
+
+  Faithfully yours,
+  FREDERICK PETHERTON.
+
+I had now got on to my fourth speed, and dashed off this reply:--
+
+DEAR FREDDY,--I like you in all your moods, but positively adore you
+when you are angry. As a matter of fact I am very fond of what are so
+absurdly known as dumb animals, and am glad now that the chemist's was
+closed last night before I decided whether to go there or not. BALAAM
+himself would have been proud to own your animal. It roused me from
+my bed this morning with what was unmistakably a very fine asinine
+rendering of the first few bars of "The Yeoman's Wedding," but
+unfortunately it lost the swing of it before the end of the first
+verse.
+
+  Yours as ever,
+  HARRY.
+
+Petherton gave up the contest; but I let him have a final tweak after
+seeing the announcement of his splendid and public-spirited action to
+help on the War Food scheme.
+
+DEAR OLD BOY (I wrote),--How stupid you must have thought me all this
+time! Only when I learnt from the paragraph in this morning's _Surbury
+Examiner_ that, in response to the suggestion of the Rural District
+Council, you have lent your field to the poor people of the
+neighbourhood for growing War Food did I realise the meaning of the
+dulcet-toned donkey's presence in your field.
+
+The growing of more food at the present time is an absolute necessity,
+but it was left to you to discover this novel method of proclaiming to
+Surbury that here in its midst was land waiting to be put to really
+useful purpose.
+
+I do not know which to admire the more, your patriotism or the
+ingenuity displayed in your selection of so admirable a mouthpiece
+from among your circle of friends.
+
+  Yrs.,
+  H.
+
+Petherton has left it at that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVIII.
+
+BAYSWATER.
+
+  The Bays came down to water--
+    Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!
+  And there they found the Brindled Mules--
+    Bray! Bray! Bray!
+  "How dare you muddy the Bays' water
+    That was as clear as glass?
+  How dare you drink of the Bays' water,
+    You children of an Ass?"
+
+  "Why shouldn't we muddy your water?
+    Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!
+  Why shouldn't we drink of your water,
+    Pray, pray, pray?
+  If our Sire was a Coster's Donkey
+    Our Dam was a Golden Bay,
+  And the Mules shall drink of the Bays' water
+    Every other day!"
+
+XIX.
+
+KENTISH TOWN.
+
+  As I jogged by a Kentish Town
+    Delighting in the crops,
+  I met a Gipsy hazel-brown
+    With a basketful of hops.
+
+  "You Sailor from the Dover Coast
+    With your blue eyes full of ships,
+  Carry my basket to the oast
+    And I'll kiss you on the lips."
+
+  Once she kissed me with a jest,
+    Once with a tear--
+  O where's the heart was in my breast
+    And the ring was in my ear?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Head of Government Department_ (_in his private room
+in recently-commandeered hotel_). "BOY! BRING SOME MORE COAL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    WAR'S ROMANCES. [Now that fiction is occupying itself so much with
+    military matters, it is necessary to warn the lady novelist--as
+    it used to be necessary in other days to warn her in relation to
+    sport--to cultivate accuracy. There is a constant danger that the
+    popular story will include such passages as follow.]
+
+"Corporal Cuthbert Crewdson," said the Colonel in a kindly voice,
+"your work has been very satisfactory--so much so that I have decided
+to promote you. From to-day you will no longer be Corporal, but
+Lance-Corporal." With a grateful smile our hero saluted and retired to
+draw his lance at the Adjutant's stores.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Darling," cried the handsome young private, "I told the Colonel of
+our engagement, and he said at once I might bring you to tea at our
+Mess any Sunday afternoon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One night, as Private Jones and the Sergeant-major were strolling
+arm-in-arm through the High Street...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Remember," said the old Major, eyeing his eighteen-year-old subaltern
+son with a shrewd affectionate glance, "a little well-placed courtesy
+goes a long way. For instance, if a Sergeant should call you 'Sir,'
+never forget to say 'Sir' to him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Osbert, his cane dangling from his left hand and with Mabel at his
+side, sailed proudly down Oxford Street. Suddenly a Tommy hove in
+sight. At once Osbert passed his stick to his other hand, leaving
+the left one free. The next moment the man was saluting, and Osbert,
+bringing up his left hand in acknowledgment, passed on.
+
+"It is always well to be scrupulously correct in these little
+details," he explained.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mildred, her heart beating rapidly, stood shyly behind the muslin
+curtain as George, looking very gallant in khaki, strode past the
+window with his frog hopping along at his side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sidney Bellairs, apparently so stern and unbending on parade, was
+adored by his men. Often he had been known, when acting as "orderly
+officer" (as the officer is called who has to keep order), to carry
+round with him a light camp-stool, which, with his unfailing charm
+of manner, he would offer to some weary sentry. "There, my boy, sit
+down," he would say, without a trace of condescension.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Debenham succeeded because even in small things he could look
+ahead. "Ethelred," he would say to his batman, "there is to be a
+field-day to-morrow, so see that my haversack, water-bottle and slacks
+are put ready for me in the morning."
+
+"Very good, my lord," the orderly would answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Marmaduke sprang forward. The Hun's bomb, its pin withdrawn, was about
+to explode. Coolly removing his costly gold-and-diamond tie-pin,
+he thrust this substitute into the appointed place in the terrible
+sizzling bomb, and stood back with a little smile. The next moment
+his General stepped towards him and pinned to his breast the Victoria
+Cross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Colonel Blood belonged to the old school--irascible, even explosive,
+but at bottom a heart of gold. Often after thrashing a subaltern with
+his cane for some neglect of duty he would smile suddenly and invite
+the offender to dine with him at the Regimental Mess as if nothing had
+happened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_asking for the third time_). "HAVE WE REACHED
+NO. 234 YET?"
+
+_Conductor._ "YES, MUM. HERE YOU ARE." [_Stops bus._]
+
+_Lady._ "OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT. I ONLY WANTED TO SHOW MY LITTLE
+FIDO WHERE HE WAS BORN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW DANGER.
+
+"I don't know if you realise," said Ernest, "that since Army
+signalling became fashionable a new danger confronts us."
+
+"If you mean that an enthusiast might start semaphoring unexpectedly
+in a confined space and get his neighbour in the eye, I may say that
+I have thought of it," I answered. "But it isn't worth worrying very
+much about. He wouldn't do it more than once."
+
+"It isn't that," said Ernest. "It's something much more subtle and
+insidious. It is the growing tendency in ordinary conversation to use
+'Ack' for A, 'Beer' for B, 'Emma' for M, 'Esses' for S, 'Toe' for T,
+etc. When you told me you were going to see your Aunt at 3 P.M., for
+instance, you said '3 Pip Emma.' And it isn't as if you were at all
+good at Semaphore or Morse either.
+
+"Imagine," he continued, "the effect upon a congregation of the
+announcement from the pulpit that the Reverend John Smith, Beer
+Ack, will preach next Sunday. Or upon a meeting when told that Mr.
+Carrington Ponk, J. Pip, will now speak. Think of Aunt Jane and all
+her Societies," he went on gloomily. "Imagine her saying that she's
+going to an Esses Pip G. meeting to-morrow. It's a dreadful thought.
+It will extend to people's initials, too. The great T.P. will be Toe
+Pip O'CONNOR. Something will have to be done about it."
+
+"There's only one thing to be done," I said. "You must get into
+Parliament and bring in a Bill about it. All might yet be well if you
+were an Emma Pip."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUNGRY HUNS.
+
+    "The _Berliner Tageblatt's_ correspondent states that the ground
+    at St. Pierre Vaast has been converted into a marsh in which
+    half-frozen soldiers, wet to the skin and knee-deep in mud, absorb
+    the shells."
+
+    _New Zealand Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The dispute, he claimed, was not started by the employees, but by
+    the employer making sweeping reductions in the ages of the men."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+If he wants to do this sort of thing with impunity he should employ
+women.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FOOD PROBLEM.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Please _do_ tell me. Must I count sausages under
+the meat or the bread allowance? I do so want to help my country
+_faithfully_.
+
+  Yours,
+  WORRIED HOUSEWIFE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "REWARD 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver Toothpick, value
+    sentimental."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+The latest thing in love-tokens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After a debate lasting three days, the Senate rejected the motion
+    approving Mr. Wilson's Nose."--_The Bulletin (Lahore)._
+
+The Senate has since shown its impartiality by registering its
+profound disapproval of the KAISER'S Cheek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A special constable has received the Silver Medal of the Society
+    for Protection of Life from fire for his gallantry in mounting
+    a ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a cook."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+It is understood that members of the regular "force" consider that he
+showed some presumption in not leaving this particular task to them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLIGHTED PROSPECTS.
+
+BERNSTORFF (_bitterly_). "PRETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR NEW
+FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!"
+
+HINDENBURG (_also bitterly_). "WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO MINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dug-out_ (_who has been put off on the last three
+greens by his caddie sneezing, and has now foozled his putt again_).
+"CONFOUND YOU! WHY DIDN'T YOU SNEEZE? I WAS COUNTING ON IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Wednesday, February 7th._--HIS MAJESTY opened Parliament to-day for
+what we all hope will be the Victory Session. But it will not be
+victory without effort. That was the burden of nearly all the speeches
+made to-day, from the KING'S downwards. HIS MAJESTY, who had left his
+crown and robes behind, wore the workmanlike uniform of an Admiral
+of the Fleet; and the Peers had forgone their scarlet and ermine in
+favour of khaki and sable. When Lord STANHOPE, who moved the Address,
+ventured, in the course of an oration otherwise sufficiently sedate,
+to remark that "the great crisis of the War had passed," Lord CURZON
+was swift to rebuke this deviation into cheerfulness. On the contrary,
+he declared, we were now approaching "the supreme and terrible climax
+of the War." He permitted himself, however, to impart one or two
+comforting items of information with regard to the arming of existing
+merchant-ships, the construction of new tonnage and the development of
+inventions for the discovery and deletion of submarines. For excellent
+reasons, no doubt, it was all a little vague, but in one respect his
+statement left nothing to be desired in the way of precision. "The
+present Government, in its seven weeks of office, had taken but two
+large and one small hotels," and is, I gather, marvelling at its own
+moderation.
+
+I was a little disappointed with the speeches of the Mover and
+Seconder of the Address in the Commons, for of recent years there has
+been a great improvement in this difficult branch of oratory. Sir
+HEDWORTH MEUX must, I think, have been dazzled by the effulgence of
+his epaulettes, which were certainly more highly polished than his
+periods. When in mufti he is much briefer and brighter. As Mr. ASQUITH
+however found both speeches "admirable," no more need be said.
+
+The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, as one must for convenience style
+him--though in truth there is no Opposition, in the strict sense of
+the word--just said what he ought to have said. For one brief moment
+he seemed to be straying on to dangerous ground, when he put some
+questions regarding the scope of the coming Imperial Conference; but
+the rest of his speech was wholly in keeping with the peroration, in
+which he pleaded that in the prosecution of the Nation's aim there
+should be "no jarring voices, no party cross-currents, no personal or
+sectional distractions."
+
+Unfortunately there is a section of the Commons over which he
+exercises no control. When Mr. BONAR LAW, as Leader of the House, rose
+to reply, the "jarring voices" of Mr. SNOWDEN and others of his kidney
+were heard in chorus, calling for the PRIME MINISTER. Mr. LAW paid no
+attention to the interruption. He cordially thanked Mr. ASQUITH
+for his speech, "the best possible testimony to the unity of this
+country," and assured him that the Imperial Conference would be
+primarily concerned with the successful prosecution of the War. The
+GERMAN EMPEROR had proved himself a great Empire-builder, but it was
+not his own empire that he was building.
+
+Later on Mr. PRINGLE reverted to the absence of the PRIME MINISTER,
+which he, as a person of taste, interpreted as "studied disrespect of
+the House of Commons." In this view he was supported by Mr. KING. Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE must really be careful.
+
+Strange to say, no public notice was taken of another distinguished
+absentee--the Member for East Herts. A few days ago, after a violent
+collision with Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, MR. PEMBERTON-BILLING announced
+his intention of resigning his seat and submitting himself for
+re-election. But since then we have been given to understand that a
+vote of confidence proposed by PEMBERTON, seconded by BILLING, and
+carried unanimously by the hyphen, had convinced him that, as in the
+leading case of Mr. CECIL RHODES, "resignation can wait."
+
+_Thursday, February 8th._--When we read day by day long lists of
+merchant vessels sunk by the enemy submarines two questions occur
+to most of us. How does the amount of tonnage lost compare with the
+amount of new tonnage put afloat, and what is the number of submarines
+that the Navy has accounted for in recent months? Mr. FLAVIN put the
+first question to-day, but found Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, who usually
+exudes statistics at every pore, singularly reticent on the subject.
+All he would say was that a large programme of new construction was in
+hand.
+
+Private Members blew off a great volume of steam to-day on the
+proposal of the Government to take the whole time of the House.
+Scotsmen, Irishmen and an Englishman or two joined in the plea that at
+least they should be allowed to introduce their various little Bills,
+even if they did not get any further. Perhaps if a Welshman had joined
+the band they might have been listened to. As it was, only one of them
+received any comfort. This was Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, who was informed
+that the Bill to deprive the enemy dukes of their British titles,
+for which he has been clamouring these two years, would shortly be
+introduced. But for the rest Mr. BONAR LAW was not inclined at this
+crisis in our fate to encourage the raising of questions, most of them
+acutely controversial, which would distract attention from the War.
+
+On an amendment to the Address Mr. LESLIE SCOTT took up his brief for
+the British farmer, who, deprived of his skilled men and faced with
+higher prices for fertilizers and feeding-stuffs, was expected to
+grow more food without having any certainty that he would be able to
+dispose of it at a remunerative price. Farming is always a bit of a
+gamble, but in present conditions it beats the Stock Exchange hollow.
+Some of the proposals which Mr. SCOTT outlined to improve the
+situation would have been denounced as revolutionary three years ago,
+and were a little too drastic even now for Mr. PROTHERO. Squeezed
+between the WAR MINISTER and the FOOD CONTROLLER, the MINISTER OF
+AGRICULTURE rather resembles the _Dormouse_ in _Alice in Wonderland_;
+but he is really quite all right, thank you. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT thinks
+that the author of "The Psalms in Human Life" is too saintly to tackle
+Lords DERBY and DEVONPORT, but, if my memory serves me, DAVID--no
+allusion to the PREMIER--had a rather pretty gift of invective.
+
+Let no one say that England is not at last awake. Mr. CHARLES BATHURST
+to-night made the terrific announcement that in some parts of the
+country Masters of Hounds are--shooting foxes.
+
+"This brings the War home," said FERDINAND THE FEARFUL when he heard
+the news.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones_ (_to cloak-room attendant_). "HOW MUCH?"
+
+_Cloak-room Attendant._ "THERE IS NO VERBAL CHARGE, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was agreed to express satisfaction with the announcement that
+    the price fixed for the potato crop of 1917 was not a miximum
+    price."--_Scots Paper._
+
+This must be the happy mean of which we hear so much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECENT TRUCE.
+
+Students of geography know that Ballybun is divided from the back
+gardens of Kilterash by the pellucid waters of that noble stream, the
+Bun, which hurls itself over a barrier of old tin-cans in a frantic
+effort to find the sea. But they do not know that this physical
+division, long ago bridged, is nothing to the moral and political
+division which will keep the two for ever asunder.
+
+Several of our younger citizens have written to me from the trenches
+to ask how the War is progressing. I have usually in reply quoted the
+remark of one of their number on leaving us for the Front after a
+short holiday, that he was now looking forward to a little peace and
+rest. I wish here to add a postscript to this concerning a recent
+unexpected truce.
+
+Political geography is not written as it should be, so that there may
+be people who have not even heard of the Great War between Ballybun
+and Kilterash. No one knows for certain when it started, or why. A
+local antiquary, after prolonged study of chronicles, memorials, rolls
+and records, to say nothing of local churchyards, refers it with some
+confidence to the reign of HENRY II. (LOUIS VII. being King of France,
+in the pontificate of ADRIAN IV. and so on), and to the forcible
+abduction of a pig (called the White Pearl) by the then ruling monarch
+of Kilterash. The Editor of _The Kilterash Curfew_, in one of his
+recent "Readings for the Day of Rest," remarked that Christian charity
+compelled him to hurl this foul aspersion back in the teeth of this
+so-called antiquary; the whole world knew that the pig had been born
+in the parish of Kilterash, but had "strayed" across the Bun, as
+things too often had the habit of straying.
+
+I am the "so-called antiquary." My little pamphlet proves in less
+than three hundred pages the truth of my allegation concerning the
+abduction of the White Pearl, giving the original texts on which I
+rely and the genealogies of all concerned in a sordid story.
+
+Since 1157, as far as history records, we have been afflicted with
+only two periods of truce. One was when, on hearing of the foul wrong
+done by the German Brute in Belgium, we united in enlisting recruits
+for our local regiment. This truce was broken by my worthy friend, the
+Editor of _The Curfew_, who pointed out, more in anger than in sorrow,
+that Ballybun had sent six men fewer than Kilterash. The second
+truce--again broken by the enemy--concerned myself. Wishing to add, if
+possible, to the evidence from monuments contained in my pamphlet, I
+was copying an inscription I had only just discovered in the disused
+churchyard of Killyburnbrae, when one of these light Atlantic showers
+sprang up and soaked me to the backbone. The result was influenza and
+a high temperature, which rose while I was reading _The Curfew_ upon
+my brochure, "_The White Pearl of Ballybun_, an Impartial Examination
+with the Original Documents herein set out and now for the first time
+deciphered by a Member of the Society of Antiquarians. Dedicated to
+All Lovers of the Truth. Printed by the Ballybun Binnacle Press."
+
+_The Curfew_ said of this fair statement of the evidence (with the
+original documents, mind you) that it smacked of German scholarship
+and their graveyard style of doing things. My blood boiled at this,
+and to keep me cool my niece, who lives with me, pulled down all the
+blinds, as the sun was strong.
+
+An old fish-woman passing by saw this and said, "Well, well, the poor
+old fellow's gone at last! A decent man in his time, with no taste in
+fish! We must all come to it." From her the news spread forty miles
+on either side of her and reached the Editor of _The Curfew_ in the
+middle of a philippic. Next morning I was astounded to read in his
+editorial columns: "Our distinguished neighbour and friend--if he will
+allow us to call him so--is now no more; in other words is gone ... as
+VIRGIL remarks ... famous antiquarian ... scrupulous and methodical,
+and, as we remarked in our last issue, reminiscent of the palmy days
+of the best German monumental scholarship ... our slight differences
+never affected the esteem in which we held him as a patriot, citizen,
+ratepayer and Man...."
+
+Now this was kindly and fair. I have written to my worthy friend and
+have proposed to dedicate to him my forthcoming work (non-partisan) on
+the "Slant Observable in Some Church-Spires, Part I." When he had to
+unbury me, war had to be resumed--it was his side that insisted upon
+it--but as far as the two chieftains are concerned it is a war without
+bitterness. He now introduces his attacks with "Our honoured and able
+antiquarian friend"; while my answers breathe such sentiments as "The
+genial editor of that well-conducted organ."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS.
+
+_Customer._ "WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST FOR TO-DAY, MISS?"
+
+_Waitress_ (_late of Girton_). "WELL, SIR, ROAST MUTTON, TWO
+VEGETABLES AND SWEETS WILL GIVE YOU THE NECESSARY PROTEIN, CALORIES
+AND CARBO-HYDRATES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS YOU WERE.
+
+    "Blow to Narkets. Rise of nearly 400 points. Cotton jump.
+    Germany's note breaks the market."
+
+    _Liverpool Echo, Feb. 1._
+
+    "Blow to Markets. Fall of nearly 400 points. Cotton slump."
+
+    _Same Paper, Later Edition._
+
+In spite of this sensational transformation of a jump into a slump
+we are glad to see that typographically at any rate the markets had
+recovered a little from their early derangement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Supposing a man has porridge and bacon for breakfast and a cut
+    from the point or a shop or steak for luncheon he may find that he
+    has consumed his meat allowance for the day."
+
+    _Daily Mail_ (_Manchester Edition_).
+
+Is not the food problem sufficiently difficult already without these
+additional complications? The man who wants a whole shop for his
+luncheon will get no sympathy from us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of Canon MASTERMAN'S lectures on "The War and the Smaller
+Nations of Europe":--
+
+    "April 2nd (possibly), 'The Reconstruction of Europe.'"--_Western
+    Morning News._
+
+We commend the lecturer's caution, but hope it will prove to have been
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THIS IS NOT A SCENE FROM A REVUE--IT IS HARDLY DULL
+ENOUGH FOR THAT--BUT AN EVERYDAY PERFORMANCE ON THE PLATFORM OF ANY
+RAILWAY STATION DURING THE RECENT COLD SPELL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORWARD MINX.
+
+The garden wall was high, yet not so high but that any young lady bent
+on attracting the notice of her neighbours could look over it. Miss
+Dot indeed regarded an outside flight of steps which led to an upper
+storey as an appointed amelioration to the hours which she was
+expected to spend in the garden, for it was an easy scramble from the
+stairs to the top of the wall, whence she could survey the world. To
+be sure the wall was narrow as well as high, but a timorous gait shows
+off a pretty figure, and slight nervousness adds a pathetic expression
+to a pretty face; to both of which advantages Dot was not, it is to be
+believed, altogether indifferent when khaki coats dwelt the other side
+of that wall.
+
+On this particular day she was trying to attract notice in so
+unrestrained a manner that her mother remarked it from an upper
+window. But mothers, we are told in these latter days, are not always
+the wisest guardians of their "flapper" daughters. This mother had a
+decided _penchant_ for a khaki coat herself; only she demanded braid
+on the cuff and a smartly cut collar, and these she would greet in the
+street with a tender act of homage which rarely failed to win admiring
+attention. But for a daughter who would dash down the road after a
+Tommy she had contempt rather than disapproval. So she watched with
+interest, but, alas! with no idea of interference.
+
+At first there were only "civvies" about, and though the admiration
+of any youthful male was dear to Dot's heart, and though chaff and
+blandishments were not wanting, still the wall _was_ high, and she
+lacked the resolve to descend. But presently two khaki coats appeared
+and the matter grew more serious. It was evident that it was not
+principle or modesty that held her back, but just timidity, for she
+responded eagerly to the advances of her admirers, but could not quite
+pluck up courage for that long jump down. Affairs grew shameless, for
+the khaki coats fetched a ladder to assist the elopement; but Dot made
+it clear that there were difficulties in that method of flight, though
+she wished there were not. At last she was enticed to a lower portion
+of the wall, and there, half screened by shrubs, she was lifted off by
+the shoulders, deliciously reluctant, and received into the cordial
+embrace of an enthusiastic soldiery.
+
+And her mother retired to the sofa!
+
+Shortly afterwards musketry instruction was proceeding in a public
+place; and behind the little group of learners sat Dot, in the seventh
+heaven of joy, drinking it all in with eager attention. And the
+instructing officer did not seem to mind.
+
+"How sad and mad and bad it was," a theme for the moralist, the
+conscientious objector, the Army reformer, the social reformer, the
+statistician. Yet perhaps even their solemn faces might relax to-day
+at the sight of a long-legged Airedale puppy marching at the head of
+the battalion to which she has appointed herself mascot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIS CUSTODIET?
+
+    "Engineer desires position as Manager of Works Manager."--_The
+    Aeroplane_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "---- and Sons will sell by Auction four Shorthand and Jersey
+    Cows."
+
+    _Morning Paper_.
+
+As the FOOD CONTROLLER'S Department is said to be still short of
+clerks, he may like to bid for these accomplished creatures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"FELIX GETS A MONTH."
+
+This "whimsical comedy," made by Mr. LEON M. LION out of a novel by
+the late TOM GALLON, began in a distinctly intriguing mood. _Felix_
+had an uncle, a sport, on whom he had once played a scurvy practical
+joke. This highly tolerant victim eventually cut up for a round
+million, which he left to nephew _Felix_ on condition that he should
+enter Umberminster as naked as the day he was born and earn his living
+therein for a full calendar month--a palpable posthumous hit to the
+old man. _Felix_ accordingly, equipped as laid down in the will, is
+left by the family solicitor in a wood, and, after a night and a day
+in hiding, appears shivering at the Mayor's parlour window, abstracts
+a rug for temporary relief, and prevails upon the maid, a romantic
+little orphan (who had been reading about river-gods and mistakes
+_Felix_ for one), to borrow a suit of the Mayor's clothes--into which
+he gets in time to interview that worthy when he returns with his grim
+lady. "You'll get a month," says she with damnable iteration; and the
+resourceful _Felix_, with an eye to the whimsical will, whimsically
+suggests that justice would be better fulfilled by his putting in the
+month at the Mayor's house as odd-job man than by his being conveyed
+to the county jail. And the Mayor whimsically agrees.
+
+After that, I regret to say, honest whimsicality took wing, and the
+show became merely--shall we say?--eupeptic. And certainly a much more
+elaborate meal than my lord DEVONPORT allowed me would be required to
+induce a mood sufficiently tolerant to face without impatience the
+welter which followed. The three incredible people--mercenary virgin,
+heavy father and aimless smiling villain--that walked straight out of
+the Elephant and Castle into the Second Act were not, I suspect, any
+elaborate (and quite irrelevant) joke of the actor-author's at the
+expense of the transpontine method, but just queer puppets brought on
+to disentangle the complications, though I confess I half thought that
+the villain, Mr. LAWRENCE LEYTON, was pulling our legs with a quite
+deliberate burlesque. On the whole I am afraid this play is but
+another wreck on that old snag of the dramatised novel.
+
+But there were plenty of isolated good things, such as Mr. O.B.
+CLARENCE'S really excellent Mayor, puzzled, pompous, eagle-pecked.
+Miss FLORENCE IVOR, the eagle in question, gave a shrewd and shrewish
+portrait of a wife gey ill to live with. Mr. REGINALD BACH'S very
+entertaining imaginary portrait of a faithful boy scout was a stroke
+of genius, his "call of the wild" being by far the best whim of the
+evening. Miss EVA LEONARD-BOYNE as _Ninetta_, the orphan, did her
+little job tenderly and prettily, but I couldn't believe in _Ninetta_
+in that galley, and I doubt if she did. Mr. GORDON ASH was the
+debonair hero. I do most solemnly entreat him to consider the example
+of some of the elders in his profession who have adopted a laugh as
+their principal bit of business. It may turn into a millstone. Was he
+not laughing the same laugh on this very stage in a very different
+part three days ago? He was. If he got a month, laugh-barred, he would
+profit by the sentence. For he has jolly good stuff in him.
+
+T.
+
+[Illustration: BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S NEST.
+
+_Alderman Twentyman_ . Mr. O.B. CLARENCE.
+
+_Felix Delany_ . . . . Mr. GORDON ASH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMANDEERING.
+
+From a report of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech at Carnarvon:--
+
+    "There are eight million houses in this country. Let us have
+    VICTORY GUM FACTORY, Nelson, Lancs."--_Daily Dispatch._
+
+But surely he does not want to be known as "The Stickit Minister."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A grocer in a London suburb complains that on Saturday he and his
+    staff were 'run o ffthei rlegs by the extraordinary demands of
+    customers.'"--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+We congratulate the printer on his gallant effort to depict the
+situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Cook Generals, House Parlourmaids; fiends might
+    suit."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Discussion of the eternal servant problem is apt to be one-sided; it
+was quite time that we heard from the _advocatus diaboli_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO STEPHEN LEACOCK
+
+    (_Professor of Political Economy at McGill University, Montreal,
+    and author of "Further Foolishness" and other notable works of
+    humour_).
+
+  The life that is flagrantly double,
+    Conflicting in conduct and aim,
+  Is seldom untainted by trouble
+    And commonly closes in shame;
+  But no such anxieties pester
+    Your dual existence, which links
+  The functions of don and of jester--
+        High thought and high jinks.
+
+  Your earliest venture perhaps is
+    Unique in the rapture intense
+  Displayed in these riotous Lapses
+    From all that could savour of sense,
+  Recalling the "goaks" and the gladness
+    Of one whom we elders adored--
+  The methodical midsummer madness
+        Of ARTEMUS WARD.
+
+  With you, O enchanting Canadian,
+    We laughed till you gave us a stitch
+  In our sides at the wondrous Arcadian
+    Exploits of the indolent rich;
+  We loved your satirical sniping,
+    And followed, far over "the pond,"
+  The lure of your whimsical piping
+        Behind the Beyond.
+
+  In place of the squalor that stretches
+    Unchanged o'er the realist's page,
+  The sunshine that glows in your Sketches
+    Is potent our griefs to assuage;
+  And when, on your mettlesome charger,
+    Full tilt against reason you go,
+  Your Lunacy's finer and Larger
+        Than any I know.
+
+  The faults of ephemeral fiction,
+    Exotic, erotic or smart,
+  The vice of delirious diction,
+    The latest excesses of Art--
+  You flay in felicitous fashion,
+    With dexterous choice of your tools,
+  A scourge for unsavoury passion,
+        A hammer for fools.
+
+  And yet, though so freakish and dashing,
+    You are not the slave of your fun,
+  For there's nobody better at lashing
+    The crimes and the cant of the Hun;
+  Anyhow, I'd be proud as a peacock
+    To have it inscribed on my tomb:
+  "He followed the footsteps of LEACOCK
+        In banishing gloom."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian clerk's letter to his employer:--
+
+    "I am glad that the War is progressing very favourably for the
+    Allies. We long for the day when, according to Lord Curzon's
+    saying, 'The Bengal Lancers will petrol the streets of Berlin.'"
+
+Quite the right spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Awe-struck Tommy (from the trenches)._
+"LOOK, BILL--SOLDIERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+It may be as well for me to confess at once the humiliating fact
+that I am not, and never have been, an Etonian. If that be a serious
+disqualification for life in general, how much more serious must it
+be for the particular task of reviewing a book which is of Eton all
+compact, a book, for example, like _Memories of Eton Sixty Years Ago_,
+by A.C. AINGER, with contributions from N.G. LYTTELTON and JOHN MURRAY
+(MURRAY). For I have never been "up to" anybody; I have never been
+present at "absence"; I have no real understanding of the difference
+between a "tutor" and a "dame"; I call a "_p[oe]na_" by the plebeian
+name of "imposition"; and, until I had read Mr. AINGERS'S book, I had
+never heard of the verb "to brosier" or the noun substantive "bever."
+Altogether my condition is most deplorable. Yet there are some
+alleviations in my lot, and one of them has been the reading of this
+delightful book. I found it most interesting, and can easily imagine
+how Etonians will be absorbed in it, for it will revive for them
+many an old and joyful memory of the days that are gone. Mr. AINGER
+discourses, with a _mitis sapientia_ that is very attractive, on the
+fashions and manners of the past and the gradual process of their
+development into the Eton of the present. He is proud, as every good
+Etonian must be, of Eton as it exists, but now and again he hints that
+the Eton of an older time was in some respects a simpler and a better
+place. The mood, however, never lasts long, and no one can quarrel
+with the way in which it is expressed. General LYTTELTON, too, in one
+of his contributions, relates how on his return from a long stay in
+India he visited Eton, expecting to be modestly welcomed by shy and
+ingenuous youths, and how, instead, he was received and patronised by
+young but sophisticated men of the world. The GENERAL, I gather,
+was somewhat chilled by his experience. Altogether this book is
+emphatically one without which no Etonian's library can be considered
+complete.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Perhaps of all our War correspondents Mr. PHILIP GIBBS contrives
+to give in his despatches the liveliest sense of the movement, the
+pageantry and the abominable horror of war. Pageantry there is, for
+all the evil boredom and weariness of this pit-and-ditch business,
+and Mr. GIBBS sees finely and has an honest pen that avoids the easy
+_cliche_. You might truthfully describe his book, _The Battles of the
+Somme_ (HEINEMANN), as an epic of the New Armies. He never seems to
+lose his wonder at their courage and their spirit, and always with an
+undercurrent of sincerely modest apology for his own presence there
+with his notebook, a mere chronicler of others' gallantry. This
+chronicle begins at the glorious 1st of July and ends just before
+Beaumont-Hamel, which the author miserably missed, being sent home on
+sick leave. It is a book that may well be one of those preserved and
+read a generation hence by men who want to know what the great War
+was really like. God knows it ought to help them to do something to
+prevent another. Yet there is nothing morbid in it. As the sergeant
+thigh-deep in a flooded trench said, "You know, Sir, it doesn't do
+to take this war seriously." The armies of a nation that takes its
+pleasures sadly take their bitter pains with a grin; and that grin
+is what has made them such an unexpectedly tough proposition to the
+All-Seriousest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An old adage warns us never to buy a "pig in a poke." Equally good
+advice for the heroines of fiction or drama would be never under any
+circumstances to marry a bridegroom in a mask. In more cases than I
+can recall, neglect of this simple precaution has led to a peck of
+trouble. I am thinking now of _Yvonne_, leading lady in _The Mark of
+Vraye_ (HUTCHINSON). I admit that poor _Yvonne_ had more excuse than
+most. Hers was what you might call a hard case. On the one hand there
+was the villain _Philippe_, a most naughty man, swearing that she was
+in his power, and calling for instant marriage at the hands of _Father
+Simon_, who happened to be present. On the other hand, the gentleman
+in the mask revealed a pair of eyes that poor _Yvonne_ rashly supposed
+to belong to someone for whom she had more than a partiality. So when
+he suggested that the proposed ceremony should take place during
+_Philippe's_ temporary absence from the stage, with himself as
+substitute, _Yvonne_ (astonished perhaps at her own luck so early in
+the plot) simply jumped at the idea. Then, of course, the deed being
+done, off comes the mask, and behold the triumphant countenance of
+her bitterest foe, _Charles de Montbrison_, whom she herself had
+disfigured as the (supposed) murderer of her brother. Act drop and ten
+minutes' interval. Need I detail for you the subsequent course of this
+marriage of inconvenience? The courage and magnanimity of one side,
+the feminine cruelty melting at last to love, and finally the
+inevitable duologue of reconciliation, through which I can never help
+hearing the rustle of opera-cloaks and the distant cab-whistles.
+Charming, charming. Mr. H.B. SOMERVILLE has furnished a pleasant
+entertainment, and one that (like all good readers or spectators) you
+will enjoy none the less because of its entire familiarity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Flight of Mariette_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a slender volume, whose
+simplicity gives it a poignancy both incongruous and grim. Much of it
+you might compare to the diary of a butterfly before and whilst being
+broken on the wheel. _Mariette_, the jolly little maid of Antwerp, was
+so tender and harmless a butterfly; and the machine that broke her
+life and drove her to the martyrdom of exile was so huge and cruel a
+thing. How cruel in its effects it is well for us just now to be again
+reminded, lest, in these days of hurrying horrors, remembrance should
+be weakened. To that extent therefore Miss GERTRUDE E.M. VAUGHAN has
+done good service in compiling this human document of accusation. In
+a preface Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY pleads the cause of our refugee guests,
+not so much for charity as for comprehension. Certainly, _The Flight
+of Mariette_ will do much to further such understanding. I think I
+need only add that half the proceeds of its sale will go to feed the
+seven million Belgians still in Belgium (prey to the twin wolves
+of Prussia and starvation) for you to see that three shillings and
+sixpence could hardly be better used than in the purchase of a copy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was beginning to wonder whether Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS was suffering
+from writer's cramp, so much longer than usual does it seem since I
+heard from him. Now, however, my anxiety is relieved by _My Devon
+Year_ (SCOTT), a delightful book which could have come from no other
+pen than his. It is a marvel how many fragrant things he still finds
+to say, and with what inexhaustible freshness, about his beloved
+county. I hesitate to give these sketches an indiscriminate
+recommendation, because to those who walk through the country with
+closed eyes they will have little or no meaning; but if you are in
+love with beauty and can appreciate its translation into exquisite
+language you will draw from them a real and lasting joy. Let me
+confess now that I once asked Mr. PHILLPOTTS to give Devonshire a
+rest, and that I accept _My Devon Year_ as a convincing proof that
+this request was ill-considered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wish Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN would not throw so many bouquets at
+his characters. _Roger Wynyard_, the hero of _Grace Lorraine_
+(HUTCHINSON), was really just a very ordinary youth, but when I
+discovered that he was "the fine flower of our Public-School system,"
+"as chivalrous as a Bayard," and so forth, I began--unfairly, perhaps,
+but quite irresistibly--to entertain a considerable prejudice against
+him. Let me hasten, however, to add that Mr. SLADEN has packed his
+novel with the kind of incident which appeals to the popular mind,
+though his conclusion may cause a shock to those who think that our
+divorce-laws are in need of reform. In the matter of style Mr. SLADEN
+is content with something short of perfection. "It was easier for her
+to forgive a man, with his happy-go-lucky nature, for getting
+into trouble, than to forgive his getting out again by not being
+sufficiently careful not to add to the other person's misfortune."
+For myself, I do not find it so easy to forgive these happy-go-lucky
+methods in a writer who ought to know better by now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry_. "WHO GOES THERE?"
+
+_Tommy_. "FRIEND."
+
+_Sentry_ (_on recognising voice_). "FRIEND! I DON'T THINK. WHY, YOU'RE
+THE CHAP WHO BAGGED MY MESS-TIN BEFORE THE LAST KIT-INSPECTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR LOAN; A LAST APPEAL.
+
+  Now, by the memory of our gallant dead,
+    And by our hopes of peace through victory won,
+  Lend of your substance; let it not be said
+          You left your part undone.
+
+  Lend all and gladly. If this bitter strife
+    May so by one brief hour be sooner stayed,
+  Then is your offering, spent to ransom life,
+          A thousand times repaid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, February 14, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 17471.txt or 17471.zip *****
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