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diff --git a/17471.txt b/17471.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c422872 --- /dev/null +++ b/17471.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2020 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +February 14, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 14, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 5, 2006 [EBook #17471] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +February 14th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"We will hold up wheat, we will hold up meat, we will hold up +munitions of war and we will hold up the world's commerce," says Herr +BALLIN. Meanwhile his countrymen on the Western front are content to +hold up their hands. + + *** + +It is reported from German Headquarters that the KAISER intends to +confer on Count BERNSTORFF the Iron Cross with white ribbon. This has, +we understand, caused consternation in official circles, where it is +felt that after all the Count has done his best for Germany. + + *** + +"We are at war," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, a statement which only +goes to prove that there is nothing hidden from the great minds of +Germany. + + *** + +The report that Mr. HENRY FORD has offered to place his works at the +disposal of the American authorities seems to indicate that he is +determined to get America on his side, one way or the other. + + *** + +Mr. S.F. EDGE, the famous motorist, now on the FOOD CONTROLLER'S +staff, has given it as his opinion that a simple outdoor life is best +for pigs. We are ashamed to say that our own preference for excluding +them from our drawing-room has hitherto been dictated by purely +selfish motives. + + *** + +America is making every preparation for a possible war, and Mexico, +not to be outdone, has decided to hold a Presidential election. + + *** + +It is true that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has visited the Front, but too +little has, we think, been made of the fact that he wore khaki--just +like an ordinary person, in fact. + + *** + +A sensational story reaches us to the effect that a new journalistic +enterprise in Berlin is being devoted to the "reliable reporting of +news." We have always maintained that to be successful in business you +must strike out on original lines. + + *** + +An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage has been opened in the Middle +Temple Gardens. The authorities are said to be considering an offer +confidentially communicated to them by the German Government to add +Count ZEPPELIN as an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage. + + *** + +Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club are starting a piggery on their +course, and an elderly golfer who practises on a common near London is +about to write to _The Spectator_ to state that on Saturday he started +a rabbit. + + *** + +The American Association for the Advance of Science decided at a +recent convocation that the ape had descended from man. This statement +has evoked a very strong protest in monkey circles. + + *** + +The tuck-shops of Harrow have been loyally placed out of bounds by +the boys themselves, though of course these establishments, like the +playing fields of Eton, had their part in the winning of Waterloo. + + *** + +One of our large restaurants is printing on its menus the actual +weight of meat used in each dish. In others, fish is being put on the +table accompanied by its own scales. + + *** + +We are requested to carry home our own purchases, and one of the +firms for whom we feel sorry is Messrs. FURNESS, WITHY & COMPANY, of +Liverpool, who have just purchased Passage Docks, Cork. + + *** + +Australia by organising her Commonwealth Loan Group, once again lives +up to her motto, "Advance, Australia." + + *** + +The Coroner of East Essex having set the example of keeping pigs in +his rose garden, it is rumoured that _The Daily Mail_ contemplates +offering a huge prize for a Standard Rose-Scented Pig. + + *** + +To be in line with many of our contemporaries we are able to state +definitely that the War is bound to come to an end, though we have not +yet fixed on the exact date. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE PARKS. + +A FORECAST OF NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY. + +_Spinster_ (_reads_). "Dearest, meet me by the scarecrow in Hyde +Park."] + + * * * * * + +AIR-CASTLES. + + When I grow up to be a man and wear whate'er I please, + Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed--I will have none of these; + For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so Harris-tweed won't do, + And fat commercial travellers are dressed in dingy blue; + Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and sad souls in the City, + But I'll wear Linsey-Woolsey because it sounds so pretty. + I don't know what it looks like, + I don't know how it feels, + But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy + Prettily appeals. + + And when I find a lovely maid to settle all my cash on, + She will be much too beautiful to need the gauds of fashion. + No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or crepe-de-chine + Will the maiden of my fancy wear--no chiffon, no sateen, + No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of costly price, + But she'll be clad in Dimity because it sounds so nice. + I don't know what it looks like, + I do not know its feel, + But a dimpled maid in Dimity + Was ever my ideal. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MENU CARD. + + "To-day is one of the great moments of history. Germany's last + card is on the table. It is war to the knife. Either she starves + Great Britain or Great Britain starves her." + + _Mr. Curtin in "The Times."_ + +Mr. CURTIN has lost a great chance for talking of "War to the +knife-and-fork." Possibly he was away in Germany at the time when this +_jeu d'esprit_ was invented. + + * * * * * + + "The Canadian papers are unanimous that the German peace proposals + are premature, and will be refused saskatoon." + + _Examiner_ (_Launceston, Tasmania_). + +We had not heard before that Germany had asked for Saskatoon, but +anyway we are glad she is not going to get it. + + * * * * * + +From a schoolgirl's essay:-- + + "The Reconnaissance was the time when people began to wake up ... + Friar Jelicoe was a very great painter; he painted angles." + +Probably an ancestor of the gallant gentleman who recently had a brush +with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +TACTLESS TACTICS. + + Were I a burglar in the dock + With every chance of doing time, + With Justice sitting like a rock + To hear a record black with crime; + If my conviction seemed a cert, + Yet, by a show of late repentance, + I thought I might, with luck, avert + A simply crushing sentence;-- + + I should adopt, by use of art, + A pensive air of new-born grace, + In hope to melt the Bench's heart + And mollify its awful face; + I should not go and run amok, + Nor in a fit of senseless fury + Punch the judicial nose or chuck + An inkpot at the jury. + + So with the Hun: you might assume + He would exert his homely wits + To mitigate the heavy doom + That else would break him all to bits; + Yet he behaves as one possessed, + Rampaging like a bull of Bashan, + Which, as I think, is not the best + Means of conciliation. + + For when the wild beast, held and bound, + Ceases to plunge and rave and snort, + The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound + Remarks on this contempt of court; + The plea for mercy, urged too late, + Should prove a negligible cipher, + And when the sentence seals his fate + He'll get at least a lifer. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The KAISER and Count BERNSTORFF._) + +_The Kaiser_ (_concluding a tirade_). And so, in spite of my +superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to. Germany is +smacked in the face in view of the whole world--yes, I repeat it, is +smacked in the face, and by a nation which is not a nation at all, but +a sweeping together of the worst elements in all the other nations, +a country whose navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist; and +you, Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence and tell +me that, with the careful instructions given to you by my Government +and by myself, you were not able to prevent such an end to the +negotiations? It is a thing that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even +I, who have learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern my +temper--even I feel strangely moved, for I know how deplorable will be +the effect of this on our Allies and on the other neutral Powers. +Our enemies, too, will be exalted by it and thus the War will be +prolonged. No, Count, at such a moment one does not appear before +one's Emperor with a smiling face. + +_Count B._ God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who have a +smiling face. At such a moment there could be no reason for it. But +your Majesty will remember, in justice to myself, that I have not +ceased to warn your Majesty from the very beginning that unless +something actual and definite was conceded to the feeling of the +United States trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment +of Belgium-- + +_The Kaiser_. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the Belgians. No +more ungrateful race has ever infested the earth. Besides, did I not +say that my heart bled for Louvain? + +_Count B._ The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad taste not to +believe you. It was in vain that I spread those gracious words of +yours broadcast throughout the land. They only laughed at your +Majesty. + +_The Kaiser_. Yes, I know they did, curse them. + +_Count B._ Then there came the deplorable sinking of the _Lusitania_. + +_The Kaiser_. Oh, don't speak to me of the _Lusitania_. I'm sick to +death of the very name. Besides, how do you dare to call her sinking +deplorable? I authorised it; that ought to be enough for you and for +everybody else. + +_Count B._ I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said "deplorable" I was +alluding not so much to the act itself as to its effect on opinion in +the United States. From that moment the Americans stiffened in their +attitude towards us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable. +I warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your Majesty +preferred to disregard what I said. + +_The Kaiser_. And have you any complaint to make? Is your opinion of +yourself so high that one may not without sacrilege disregard your +opinion? + +_Count B._ Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not infallible, not +being an Emperor, but I happen in this case to have been right. And +then on the top of all the other things comes the Note announcing the +new under-sea policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans +to be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a certain +way. No, really, with a proud nation-- + +_The Kaiser_. Proud! A race of huckstering money-grubbers. + +_Count B._ With a proud nation--I must repeat it, your Majesty--such +a course must lead straight to war. But perhaps that was what your +advisers wanted, though I cannot see why they should want it. But for +myself I must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what has +come to pass. There is perhaps yet time to undo the mischief. + +_The Kaiser_. No, it is too late. + + * * * * * + +AS OTHERS SEE US. + +The General Officer Commanding, as he appears to: + +(1) _His Chief of Staff_.--The one insuperable obstacle to tactical +triumphs such as CAESAR and NAPOLEON never knew. + +(2) _His youngest A.D.C._--A perpetual fountain of unsterilized +language. + +(3) _Certain Subalterns_.--The greatest man on earth. + +(4) _Tommy Atkins_.--A benevolent old buffer in scarlet and gold who +periodically takes an inexplicable interest in Tommy's belt and brass +buttons. An excuse for his sergeant's making him present arms. + +(5) _The British Public_.--A name in the newspapers. + +(6) _Himself_.--(_a_) Before dinner: An unfortunate, overworked and +ill-used old man. (_b_) After dinner: England's hope and Sir WILLIAM +ROBERTSON'S right hand. + +(7) _His Wife_.--A very lovable, but helpless, baby. + + * * * * * + +From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his school:-- + + "A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials + talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the + famines set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes + of agriculturists, the major portion of the supporters of the ---- + school. The puffs of misery bleached white the flush of early and + latter times; dinner-hours grew few and far between; and with the + Sun of Loaf sank all wakefulness to light and culture." + +This last feature sounds a little like Berlin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATIONAL SERVICE. + +JOHN BULL. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE, +AND I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT TO SPARE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HOW THIS EGG GOT PAST THE FOOD CONTROLLER I CAN'T +IMAGINE."] + + * * * * * + +THE THREE DICTATORS. + +(_Being a tragedy of the moment and incidentally a guide to the art of +handing out correspondence to the typist._) + +I. + +There are, of course, as many styles of dictating letters as there +are of writing them; but three stand out. One is the Indignant +Confidential; one the Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense +Efficient. Bitter experience in three orderly London houses only a day +or so ago chances to have led to such complete examples of each of +these styles that the reader has the felicity of acquiring at the same +time a valuable insight into business methods and a glimpse of what +Nature in the person of Jack Frost can do with even the best regulated +of cities. + +We will take first the Hesitant Tactful, where the typist is not +merely considered as a human being but invited to become an ally. The +dictator is Mr. Vernon Crombie. + +"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter I want to dictate and get off +by hand at once, because my house isn't fit to live in through burst +pipes. The plumbers promised to send yesterday, but didn't, and to-day +they can't come, it seems, and really it's most serious. Ceilings +being ruined, you know. The bore is that there aren't any other +plumbers that I know of, and one is so at the mercy of these people +that we must go very delicately. You understand. We mustn't say a word +to set their backs up any higher than they already are. Anger's no +good in this case. Here we must be tactful, and I want you to help me. +I knew you would. + +Now we'll begin. _To Messrs. Morrow & Hope. Dear Sirs,--I hate_--no, +that's a little too strong, perhaps--_I much dislike_--that's +better--_I much dislike to bother you at a time when I know you must +be overworked in every direction_--you see the idea, don't you? What +we've got to do is to get on their soft side. It's no use bullyragging +them; understanding their difficulties is much better. You see that, +don't you? Of course; I knew you would. Now then. Where was I? +Oh yes--_overworked in every direction; but if, as you promised +yesterday, but unfortunately were unable_--I think that's good, don't +you? Much better than saying that they had broken their promise--_to +manage, you could spare a man to attend to our pipes without further +delay_--I think you might underline _without further delay_. Would +that be safe, I wonder? Yes, I think so--_I should be more than +grateful._ And now there's a problem. What I have been pondering is if +it would be wise to offer to pay an increased charge. I'd do anything +to get the pipes mended, but, on the other hand, it's not a sound +precedent. A state of society in which everyone bid against everyone +else for the first services of the plumber would be unbearable. Only +the rich would ever be plumbed, and very soon the plumbers would be +the millionaires. Perhaps we had better let the letter go as it is? +You think so and I think so. Very well then, just _Believe me, yours +faithfully_, and I'll sign it." + +And now the Indignant and Confidential. Mr. Horace Bristowe is +dictative: "Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now I've got trouble with +the plumbers, and I want to give the blighters--well, I can't say it +to you, but you know what I mean. There's my house dripping at every +pore, or rather pouring at every drip--I say, that's rather good; I +must remember that to tell them this evening. Just put that down on a +separate piece of paper, will you. Well, here's the place all soaked +and not a man can I get. They promised to send on Tuesday, they +promised to send yesterday, and this morning comes a note saying that +they can't now send till to-morrow. What do you think of that? And +they have worked for me for years. Years I've been employing them. + +"Let's begin, anyway. _To Messrs. Tarry & Knott. Dear Sirs_--No, I'm +hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous convention! They're not +dear--except in their charges. I say, that's not bad. No, just put +_Gentlemen_. But that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen, the swine! +They're anything but gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers, liars. +Seriously, Miss Tappit, I ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am I, an +old customer, with burst pipes doing endless damage, and they can't +send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you know, it's the limit. I know +about the War and all that. I make every allowance. But I still say +it's the limit. Well, we must put the thing in the third person, I +suppose, if I'm not to call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.' _Mr. +Horace Bristowe presents his comp_--Good Heavens! he does nothing of +the kind--_Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to_--Begs! Of course I don't beg. +This really is becoming idiotic. Can't one write a letter like an +honest man, instead of all this flunkey business? Begin again: _To +Messrs. Tarry & Nott. Mr. Horace Bristowe considers that he has been +treated with a lack of consideration_--no, we can't have 'considers' +and 'consideration' so near together. What's another word for +'consideration'?--_treated with a lack of--a lack of_--Well, we'll +keep 'consideration' and alter 'considers.' Begin again: _Mr. Horace +Bristowe thinks_--no, that's not strong enough--_believes_--no. Ah, +I've got it--_Mr. Horace Bristowe holds that he has been treated by +you with a lack of consideration which_--I wonder if 'which' is better +than 'that'--_a lack of consideration that, considering his long_--no, +we can't have 'considering' just after 'consideration'--_that_--no, +_which--which--in view of his long record as_--What I want to say is +that it's an infernal shame that after all these years, in which I've +put business in their way and paid them scores of pounds, they should +treat me in this scurvy fashion, that's what I mean. The swine! I tell +you, Miss Tappit, it's infamous. I--(and so on). + +The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman, so clear-headed and capable +that it is his continual surprise that he is not in the Cabinet +without the preliminary of an election, handles his correspondence +very differently. He presses a button for Miss Pether. She is really +Miss Carmichael, but it is a rule in this model office that the typist +takes a dynastic name, and Pether now goes with the typewriter, just +as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and +pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up +with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and +knowledge of her attainments. + +"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen +comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man +yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing +both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in +reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at +once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance +cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to +pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your +employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job +priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am +comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy +to get a taxi." + +II. + +None of the plumbers sent any men. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BROTHERS TINGO, WHO ARE EXEMPTED FROM MILITARY +SERVICE, DO THEIR BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ARE GOING ON THE +LAND.] + + * * * * * + + "In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a + light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish + Times._ + +We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION. + +II. + + Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair, + Belgravia's Winter Greens; + None so nicely as _they_ fare + Save Cox's Kidney Beans; + Mustard-and-Cress in boxes, + Greens in the jardiniere, + And a trellis of Beans at Cox's, + Facing Trafalgar Square. + + Lady Biffington's daughters + Are mulching the Greens with Clay; + Lady Smiffington waters + The Mustard-and-Cress all day; + And Cox's cashiers (those oners!) + Are feeling extremely rash, + For they're pinching the tips of the Runners + As they never would pinch your cash. + + Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard, + The Cress is hardy and hale; + Belgravia's housemaids dust hard + To keep the dust from the Kale; + But Cox's cashiers look solemn, + For their Beans (which sell by the sack) + Would cover the Nelson Column + If they didn't keep pinching them back. + + * * * * * + +"WEATHER AT HEALTH RESORTS. + + Temp. + Sunshine. Max. Min. Weather. +Felixstowe 0.0 22 29 Some snow." + +_Morning Paper._ + +And some thermometer. + + * * * * * + +PETHERTON'S DONKEY; + +OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY. + +I hadn't had a letter-writing bout with Petherton for some time, and, +feeling in need of a little relaxation, I seized the opportunity +afforded by Petherton's installing a very noisy donkey in his paddock +adjoining my garden, and wrote to him as follows:-- + +DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I do not like making complaints against a +neighbour, as you know, but the new tenant of your field does not seem +to argue a good selection on your part, unless his braying has a more +soothing effect on you than it has on me. + + Yours sincerely, + HARRY J. FORDYCE. + +I was evidently in luck, as I drew Petherton's literary fire at once. + +SIR (he wrote),--I should have thought that you would have been the +last person in the world to object to this particular noise. Allow +me to inform you that I purchased the donkey for several family and +personal reasons which cannot possibly concern you. + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I translated this letter rather freely for my own ends, and replied:-- + +DEAR PETHERTON,--I apologise. I had no idea that the animal was in any +way connected with your family. If it is a poor relation I must say +you are fortunate in being able to fob him (or should it be her?) +off so easily, as he (or she) appears to live a life of comparative +luxury, at little cost, I should imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad +to know whether the animal, in exercising its extraordinary vocal +powers, is calling for his (or her) mate, or merely showing off for +the amusement of your fascinating poultry who share its pleasaunce. + +Can't you possibly fit the brute with a silencer, as the noise it +makes is disturbing, especially to me, my study window being very +close to the hedge? + + Yours sincerely, + HARRY FORDYCE. + +P.S.--I am thinking of laying down a bed of poisoned carrots for early +use. Perhaps with your chemical knowledge you can suggest an effective +top-dressing for them. + +Petherton rose to the bait and wrote--the same night--as follows:-- + +SIR,--In your unfortunate correspondence with me you have always shown +yourself better at rudeness than repartee. Did you not learn at school +the weakness of the _tu quoque_ line of argument? You speak of your +study window being near my field. The name "study" suggests literary +efforts. Is it in your case merely a room devoted to the penning of +senseless and impertinent letters to unoffending neighbours, who have +something better to do than waste their time reading and answering +them? I hope this letter will be the last one I shall find it +necessary to write to you. + +_Re_ your postscript. Try prussic acid, but pray do not confine it to +the toilets of your carrots. A few drops on the tongue would, I am +sure, make you take a less distorted view of things, and you would +cease to worry over such trifles as the braying of a harmless animal. + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +Of course I simply had to reply to this, but made no reference to +the _tu quoque_ question. He had evidently failed to grasp, or had +ignored, the rather obvious suggestion in the last few words of my +first letter on the subject. I wrote:-- + +MY DEAR CHAP,--Thanks so much for your prompt reply and valuable +information about prussic acid. There was, however, one omission in +the prescription. You didn't say on whose tongue the acid should be +placed. If you meant on the donkey's it seems an excellent idea. I'll +try it, so excuse more now, as the chemist's will be closed in a few +minutes. + + Yours in haste, + HARRY F. + +Petherton was getting angry, and his reply was terse and venomous:-- + +SIR,--Yes, I did mean the donkey's. It will cure both his stupid +braying and his habit of writing absurd and childish letters. + +But if you poison _my_ donkey it will cost you a good deal more than +you will care to pay, especially in war-time. + +It is a pity you're too old for the army; you might have been shot by +now. + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I had now got on to my fourth speed, and dashed off this reply:-- + +DEAR FREDDY,--I like you in all your moods, but positively adore you +when you are angry. As a matter of fact I am very fond of what are so +absurdly known as dumb animals, and am glad now that the chemist's was +closed last night before I decided whether to go there or not. BALAAM +himself would have been proud to own your animal. It roused me from +my bed this morning with what was unmistakably a very fine asinine +rendering of the first few bars of "The Yeoman's Wedding," but +unfortunately it lost the swing of it before the end of the first +verse. + + Yours as ever, + HARRY. + +Petherton gave up the contest; but I let him have a final tweak after +seeing the announcement of his splendid and public-spirited action to +help on the War Food scheme. + +DEAR OLD BOY (I wrote),--How stupid you must have thought me all this +time! Only when I learnt from the paragraph in this morning's _Surbury +Examiner_ that, in response to the suggestion of the Rural District +Council, you have lent your field to the poor people of the +neighbourhood for growing War Food did I realise the meaning of the +dulcet-toned donkey's presence in your field. + +The growing of more food at the present time is an absolute necessity, +but it was left to you to discover this novel method of proclaiming to +Surbury that here in its midst was land waiting to be put to really +useful purpose. + +I do not know which to admire the more, your patriotism or the +ingenuity displayed in your selection of so admirable a mouthpiece +from among your circle of friends. + + Yrs., + H. + +Petherton has left it at that. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XVIII. + +BAYSWATER. + + The Bays came down to water-- + Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! + And there they found the Brindled Mules-- + Bray! Bray! Bray! + "How dare you muddy the Bays' water + That was as clear as glass? + How dare you drink of the Bays' water, + You children of an Ass?" + + "Why shouldn't we muddy your water? + Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! + Why shouldn't we drink of your water, + Pray, pray, pray? + If our Sire was a Coster's Donkey + Our Dam was a Golden Bay, + And the Mules shall drink of the Bays' water + Every other day!" + +XIX. + +KENTISH TOWN. + + As I jogged by a Kentish Town + Delighting in the crops, + I met a Gipsy hazel-brown + With a basketful of hops. + + "You Sailor from the Dover Coast + With your blue eyes full of ships, + Carry my basket to the oast + And I'll kiss you on the lips." + + Once she kissed me with a jest, + Once with a tear-- + O where's the heart was in my breast + And the ring was in my ear? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Head of Government Department_ (_in his private room +in recently-commandeered hotel_). "BOY! BRING SOME MORE COAL!"] + + * * * * * + + WAR'S ROMANCES. [Now that fiction is occupying itself so much with + military matters, it is necessary to warn the lady novelist--as + it used to be necessary in other days to warn her in relation to + sport--to cultivate accuracy. There is a constant danger that the + popular story will include such passages as follow.] + +"Corporal Cuthbert Crewdson," said the Colonel in a kindly voice, +"your work has been very satisfactory--so much so that I have decided +to promote you. From to-day you will no longer be Corporal, but +Lance-Corporal." With a grateful smile our hero saluted and retired to +draw his lance at the Adjutant's stores. + + * * * * * + +"Darling," cried the handsome young private, "I told the Colonel of +our engagement, and he said at once I might bring you to tea at our +Mess any Sunday afternoon." + + * * * * * + +One night, as Private Jones and the Sergeant-major were strolling +arm-in-arm through the High Street... + + * * * * * + +"Remember," said the old Major, eyeing his eighteen-year-old subaltern +son with a shrewd affectionate glance, "a little well-placed courtesy +goes a long way. For instance, if a Sergeant should call you 'Sir,' +never forget to say 'Sir' to him." + + * * * * * + +Osbert, his cane dangling from his left hand and with Mabel at his +side, sailed proudly down Oxford Street. Suddenly a Tommy hove in +sight. At once Osbert passed his stick to his other hand, leaving +the left one free. The next moment the man was saluting, and Osbert, +bringing up his left hand in acknowledgment, passed on. + +"It is always well to be scrupulously correct in these little +details," he explained. + + * * * * * + +Mildred, her heart beating rapidly, stood shyly behind the muslin +curtain as George, looking very gallant in khaki, strode past the +window with his frog hopping along at his side. + + * * * * * + +Sidney Bellairs, apparently so stern and unbending on parade, was +adored by his men. Often he had been known, when acting as "orderly +officer" (as the officer is called who has to keep order), to carry +round with him a light camp-stool, which, with his unfailing charm +of manner, he would offer to some weary sentry. "There, my boy, sit +down," he would say, without a trace of condescension. + + * * * * * + +Lord Debenham succeeded because even in small things he could look +ahead. "Ethelred," he would say to his batman, "there is to be a +field-day to-morrow, so see that my haversack, water-bottle and slacks +are put ready for me in the morning." + +"Very good, my lord," the orderly would answer. + + * * * * * + +Marmaduke sprang forward. The Hun's bomb, its pin withdrawn, was about +to explode. Coolly removing his costly gold-and-diamond tie-pin, +he thrust this substitute into the appointed place in the terrible +sizzling bomb, and stood back with a little smile. The next moment +his General stepped towards him and pinned to his breast the Victoria +Cross. + + * * * * * + +Colonel Blood belonged to the old school--irascible, even explosive, +but at bottom a heart of gold. Often after thrashing a subaltern with +his cane for some neglect of duty he would smile suddenly and invite +the offender to dine with him at the Regimental Mess as if nothing had +happened. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_asking for the third time_). "HAVE WE REACHED +NO. 234 YET?" + +_Conductor._ "YES, MUM. HERE YOU ARE." [_Stops bus._] + +_Lady._ "OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT. I ONLY WANTED TO SHOW MY LITTLE +FIDO WHERE HE WAS BORN."] + + * * * * * + +A NEW DANGER. + +"I don't know if you realise," said Ernest, "that since Army +signalling became fashionable a new danger confronts us." + +"If you mean that an enthusiast might start semaphoring unexpectedly +in a confined space and get his neighbour in the eye, I may say that +I have thought of it," I answered. "But it isn't worth worrying very +much about. He wouldn't do it more than once." + +"It isn't that," said Ernest. "It's something much more subtle and +insidious. It is the growing tendency in ordinary conversation to use +'Ack' for A, 'Beer' for B, 'Emma' for M, 'Esses' for S, 'Toe' for T, +etc. When you told me you were going to see your Aunt at 3 P.M., for +instance, you said '3 Pip Emma.' And it isn't as if you were at all +good at Semaphore or Morse either. + +"Imagine," he continued, "the effect upon a congregation of the +announcement from the pulpit that the Reverend John Smith, Beer +Ack, will preach next Sunday. Or upon a meeting when told that Mr. +Carrington Ponk, J. Pip, will now speak. Think of Aunt Jane and all +her Societies," he went on gloomily. "Imagine her saying that she's +going to an Esses Pip G. meeting to-morrow. It's a dreadful thought. +It will extend to people's initials, too. The great T.P. will be Toe +Pip O'CONNOR. Something will have to be done about it." + +"There's only one thing to be done," I said. "You must get into +Parliament and bring in a Bill about it. All might yet be well if you +were an Emma Pip." + + * * * * * + +THE HUNGRY HUNS. + + "The _Berliner Tageblatt's_ correspondent states that the ground + at St. Pierre Vaast has been converted into a marsh in which + half-frozen soldiers, wet to the skin and knee-deep in mud, absorb + the shells." + + _New Zealand Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The dispute, he claimed, was not started by the employees, but by + the employer making sweeping reductions in the ages of the men." + + _Daily Paper._ + +If he wants to do this sort of thing with impunity he should employ +women. + + * * * * * + +A FOOD PROBLEM. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Please _do_ tell me. Must I count sausages under +the meat or the bread allowance? I do so want to help my country +_faithfully_. + + Yours, + WORRIED HOUSEWIFE. + + * * * * * + + "REWARD 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver Toothpick, value + sentimental." + + _Nottingham Evening Post._ + +The latest thing in love-tokens. + + * * * * * + + "After a debate lasting three days, the Senate rejected the motion + approving Mr. Wilson's Nose."--_The Bulletin (Lahore)._ + +The Senate has since shown its impartiality by registering its +profound disapproval of the KAISER'S Cheek. + + * * * * * + + "A special constable has received the Silver Medal of the Society + for Protection of Life from fire for his gallantry in mounting + a ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a cook."--_Daily + Paper._ + +It is understood that members of the regular "force" consider that he +showed some presumption in not leaving this particular task to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLIGHTED PROSPECTS. + +BERNSTORFF (_bitterly_). "PRETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR NEW +FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!" + +HINDENBURG (_also bitterly_). "WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO MINE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dug-out_ (_who has been put off on the last three +greens by his caddie sneezing, and has now foozled his putt again_). +"CONFOUND YOU! WHY DIDN'T YOU SNEEZE? I WAS COUNTING ON IT."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Wednesday, February 7th._--HIS MAJESTY opened Parliament to-day for +what we all hope will be the Victory Session. But it will not be +victory without effort. That was the burden of nearly all the speeches +made to-day, from the KING'S downwards. HIS MAJESTY, who had left his +crown and robes behind, wore the workmanlike uniform of an Admiral +of the Fleet; and the Peers had forgone their scarlet and ermine in +favour of khaki and sable. When Lord STANHOPE, who moved the Address, +ventured, in the course of an oration otherwise sufficiently sedate, +to remark that "the great crisis of the War had passed," Lord CURZON +was swift to rebuke this deviation into cheerfulness. On the contrary, +he declared, we were now approaching "the supreme and terrible climax +of the War." He permitted himself, however, to impart one or two +comforting items of information with regard to the arming of existing +merchant-ships, the construction of new tonnage and the development of +inventions for the discovery and deletion of submarines. For excellent +reasons, no doubt, it was all a little vague, but in one respect his +statement left nothing to be desired in the way of precision. "The +present Government, in its seven weeks of office, had taken but two +large and one small hotels," and is, I gather, marvelling at its own +moderation. + +I was a little disappointed with the speeches of the Mover and +Seconder of the Address in the Commons, for of recent years there has +been a great improvement in this difficult branch of oratory. Sir +HEDWORTH MEUX must, I think, have been dazzled by the effulgence of +his epaulettes, which were certainly more highly polished than his +periods. When in mufti he is much briefer and brighter. As Mr. ASQUITH +however found both speeches "admirable," no more need be said. + +The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, as one must for convenience style +him--though in truth there is no Opposition, in the strict sense of +the word--just said what he ought to have said. For one brief moment +he seemed to be straying on to dangerous ground, when he put some +questions regarding the scope of the coming Imperial Conference; but +the rest of his speech was wholly in keeping with the peroration, in +which he pleaded that in the prosecution of the Nation's aim there +should be "no jarring voices, no party cross-currents, no personal or +sectional distractions." + +Unfortunately there is a section of the Commons over which he +exercises no control. When Mr. BONAR LAW, as Leader of the House, rose +to reply, the "jarring voices" of Mr. SNOWDEN and others of his kidney +were heard in chorus, calling for the PRIME MINISTER. Mr. LAW paid no +attention to the interruption. He cordially thanked Mr. ASQUITH +for his speech, "the best possible testimony to the unity of this +country," and assured him that the Imperial Conference would be +primarily concerned with the successful prosecution of the War. The +GERMAN EMPEROR had proved himself a great Empire-builder, but it was +not his own empire that he was building. + +Later on Mr. PRINGLE reverted to the absence of the PRIME MINISTER, +which he, as a person of taste, interpreted as "studied disrespect of +the House of Commons." In this view he was supported by Mr. KING. Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE must really be careful. + +Strange to say, no public notice was taken of another distinguished +absentee--the Member for East Herts. A few days ago, after a violent +collision with Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, MR. PEMBERTON-BILLING announced +his intention of resigning his seat and submitting himself for +re-election. But since then we have been given to understand that a +vote of confidence proposed by PEMBERTON, seconded by BILLING, and +carried unanimously by the hyphen, had convinced him that, as in the +leading case of Mr. CECIL RHODES, "resignation can wait." + +_Thursday, February 8th._--When we read day by day long lists of +merchant vessels sunk by the enemy submarines two questions occur +to most of us. How does the amount of tonnage lost compare with the +amount of new tonnage put afloat, and what is the number of submarines +that the Navy has accounted for in recent months? Mr. FLAVIN put the +first question to-day, but found Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, who usually +exudes statistics at every pore, singularly reticent on the subject. +All he would say was that a large programme of new construction was in +hand. + +Private Members blew off a great volume of steam to-day on the +proposal of the Government to take the whole time of the House. +Scotsmen, Irishmen and an Englishman or two joined in the plea that at +least they should be allowed to introduce their various little Bills, +even if they did not get any further. Perhaps if a Welshman had joined +the band they might have been listened to. As it was, only one of them +received any comfort. This was Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, who was informed +that the Bill to deprive the enemy dukes of their British titles, +for which he has been clamouring these two years, would shortly be +introduced. But for the rest Mr. BONAR LAW was not inclined at this +crisis in our fate to encourage the raising of questions, most of them +acutely controversial, which would distract attention from the War. + +On an amendment to the Address Mr. LESLIE SCOTT took up his brief for +the British farmer, who, deprived of his skilled men and faced with +higher prices for fertilizers and feeding-stuffs, was expected to +grow more food without having any certainty that he would be able to +dispose of it at a remunerative price. Farming is always a bit of a +gamble, but in present conditions it beats the Stock Exchange hollow. +Some of the proposals which Mr. SCOTT outlined to improve the +situation would have been denounced as revolutionary three years ago, +and were a little too drastic even now for Mr. PROTHERO. Squeezed +between the WAR MINISTER and the FOOD CONTROLLER, the MINISTER OF +AGRICULTURE rather resembles the _Dormouse_ in _Alice in Wonderland_; +but he is really quite all right, thank you. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT thinks +that the author of "The Psalms in Human Life" is too saintly to tackle +Lords DERBY and DEVONPORT, but, if my memory serves me, DAVID--no +allusion to the PREMIER--had a rather pretty gift of invective. + +Let no one say that England is not at last awake. Mr. CHARLES BATHURST +to-night made the terrific announcement that in some parts of the +country Masters of Hounds are--shooting foxes. + +"This brings the War home," said FERDINAND THE FEARFUL when he heard +the news. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones_ (_to cloak-room attendant_). "HOW MUCH?" + +_Cloak-room Attendant._ "THERE IS NO VERBAL CHARGE, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "It was agreed to express satisfaction with the announcement that + the price fixed for the potato crop of 1917 was not a miximum + price."--_Scots Paper._ + +This must be the happy mean of which we hear so much. + + * * * * * + +THE RECENT TRUCE. + +Students of geography know that Ballybun is divided from the back +gardens of Kilterash by the pellucid waters of that noble stream, the +Bun, which hurls itself over a barrier of old tin-cans in a frantic +effort to find the sea. But they do not know that this physical +division, long ago bridged, is nothing to the moral and political +division which will keep the two for ever asunder. + +Several of our younger citizens have written to me from the trenches +to ask how the War is progressing. I have usually in reply quoted the +remark of one of their number on leaving us for the Front after a +short holiday, that he was now looking forward to a little peace and +rest. I wish here to add a postscript to this concerning a recent +unexpected truce. + +Political geography is not written as it should be, so that there may +be people who have not even heard of the Great War between Ballybun +and Kilterash. No one knows for certain when it started, or why. A +local antiquary, after prolonged study of chronicles, memorials, rolls +and records, to say nothing of local churchyards, refers it with some +confidence to the reign of HENRY II. (LOUIS VII. being King of France, +in the pontificate of ADRIAN IV. and so on), and to the forcible +abduction of a pig (called the White Pearl) by the then ruling monarch +of Kilterash. The Editor of _The Kilterash Curfew_, in one of his +recent "Readings for the Day of Rest," remarked that Christian charity +compelled him to hurl this foul aspersion back in the teeth of this +so-called antiquary; the whole world knew that the pig had been born +in the parish of Kilterash, but had "strayed" across the Bun, as +things too often had the habit of straying. + +I am the "so-called antiquary." My little pamphlet proves in less +than three hundred pages the truth of my allegation concerning the +abduction of the White Pearl, giving the original texts on which I +rely and the genealogies of all concerned in a sordid story. + +Since 1157, as far as history records, we have been afflicted with +only two periods of truce. One was when, on hearing of the foul wrong +done by the German Brute in Belgium, we united in enlisting recruits +for our local regiment. This truce was broken by my worthy friend, the +Editor of _The Curfew_, who pointed out, more in anger than in sorrow, +that Ballybun had sent six men fewer than Kilterash. The second +truce--again broken by the enemy--concerned myself. Wishing to add, if +possible, to the evidence from monuments contained in my pamphlet, I +was copying an inscription I had only just discovered in the disused +churchyard of Killyburnbrae, when one of these light Atlantic showers +sprang up and soaked me to the backbone. The result was influenza and +a high temperature, which rose while I was reading _The Curfew_ upon +my brochure, "_The White Pearl of Ballybun_, an Impartial Examination +with the Original Documents herein set out and now for the first time +deciphered by a Member of the Society of Antiquarians. Dedicated to +All Lovers of the Truth. Printed by the Ballybun Binnacle Press." + +_The Curfew_ said of this fair statement of the evidence (with the +original documents, mind you) that it smacked of German scholarship +and their graveyard style of doing things. My blood boiled at this, +and to keep me cool my niece, who lives with me, pulled down all the +blinds, as the sun was strong. + +An old fish-woman passing by saw this and said, "Well, well, the poor +old fellow's gone at last! A decent man in his time, with no taste in +fish! We must all come to it." From her the news spread forty miles +on either side of her and reached the Editor of _The Curfew_ in the +middle of a philippic. Next morning I was astounded to read in his +editorial columns: "Our distinguished neighbour and friend--if he will +allow us to call him so--is now no more; in other words is gone ... as +VIRGIL remarks ... famous antiquarian ... scrupulous and methodical, +and, as we remarked in our last issue, reminiscent of the palmy days +of the best German monumental scholarship ... our slight differences +never affected the esteem in which we held him as a patriot, citizen, +ratepayer and Man...." + +Now this was kindly and fair. I have written to my worthy friend and +have proposed to dedicate to him my forthcoming work (non-partisan) on +the "Slant Observable in Some Church-Spires, Part I." When he had to +unbury me, war had to be resumed--it was his side that insisted upon +it--but as far as the two chieftains are concerned it is a war without +bitterness. He now introduces his attacks with "Our honoured and able +antiquarian friend"; while my answers breathe such sentiments as "The +genial editor of that well-conducted organ." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS. + +_Customer._ "WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST FOR TO-DAY, MISS?" + +_Waitress_ (_late of Girton_). "WELL, SIR, ROAST MUTTON, TWO +VEGETABLES AND SWEETS WILL GIVE YOU THE NECESSARY PROTEIN, CALORIES +AND CARBO-HYDRATES."] + + * * * * * + +AS YOU WERE. + + "Blow to Narkets. Rise of nearly 400 points. Cotton jump. + Germany's note breaks the market." + + _Liverpool Echo, Feb. 1._ + + "Blow to Markets. Fall of nearly 400 points. Cotton slump." + + _Same Paper, Later Edition._ + +In spite of this sensational transformation of a jump into a slump +we are glad to see that typographically at any rate the markets had +recovered a little from their early derangement. + + * * * * * + + "Supposing a man has porridge and bacon for breakfast and a cut + from the point or a shop or steak for luncheon he may find that he + has consumed his meat allowance for the day." + + _Daily Mail_ (_Manchester Edition_). + +Is not the food problem sufficiently difficult already without these +additional complications? The man who wants a whole shop for his +luncheon will get no sympathy from us. + + * * * * * + +From a list of Canon MASTERMAN'S lectures on "The War and the Smaller +Nations of Europe":-- + + "April 2nd (possibly), 'The Reconstruction of Europe.'"--_Western + Morning News._ + +We commend the lecturer's caution, but hope it will prove to have been +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THIS IS NOT A SCENE FROM A REVUE--IT IS HARDLY DULL +ENOUGH FOR THAT--BUT AN EVERYDAY PERFORMANCE ON THE PLATFORM OF ANY +RAILWAY STATION DURING THE RECENT COLD SPELL.] + + * * * * * + +A FORWARD MINX. + +The garden wall was high, yet not so high but that any young lady bent +on attracting the notice of her neighbours could look over it. Miss +Dot indeed regarded an outside flight of steps which led to an upper +storey as an appointed amelioration to the hours which she was +expected to spend in the garden, for it was an easy scramble from the +stairs to the top of the wall, whence she could survey the world. To +be sure the wall was narrow as well as high, but a timorous gait shows +off a pretty figure, and slight nervousness adds a pathetic expression +to a pretty face; to both of which advantages Dot was not, it is to be +believed, altogether indifferent when khaki coats dwelt the other side +of that wall. + +On this particular day she was trying to attract notice in so +unrestrained a manner that her mother remarked it from an upper +window. But mothers, we are told in these latter days, are not always +the wisest guardians of their "flapper" daughters. This mother had a +decided _penchant_ for a khaki coat herself; only she demanded braid +on the cuff and a smartly cut collar, and these she would greet in the +street with a tender act of homage which rarely failed to win admiring +attention. But for a daughter who would dash down the road after a +Tommy she had contempt rather than disapproval. So she watched with +interest, but, alas! with no idea of interference. + +At first there were only "civvies" about, and though the admiration +of any youthful male was dear to Dot's heart, and though chaff and +blandishments were not wanting, still the wall _was_ high, and she +lacked the resolve to descend. But presently two khaki coats appeared +and the matter grew more serious. It was evident that it was not +principle or modesty that held her back, but just timidity, for she +responded eagerly to the advances of her admirers, but could not quite +pluck up courage for that long jump down. Affairs grew shameless, for +the khaki coats fetched a ladder to assist the elopement; but Dot made +it clear that there were difficulties in that method of flight, though +she wished there were not. At last she was enticed to a lower portion +of the wall, and there, half screened by shrubs, she was lifted off by +the shoulders, deliciously reluctant, and received into the cordial +embrace of an enthusiastic soldiery. + +And her mother retired to the sofa! + +Shortly afterwards musketry instruction was proceeding in a public +place; and behind the little group of learners sat Dot, in the seventh +heaven of joy, drinking it all in with eager attention. And the +instructing officer did not seem to mind. + +"How sad and mad and bad it was," a theme for the moralist, the +conscientious objector, the Army reformer, the social reformer, the +statistician. Yet perhaps even their solemn faces might relax to-day +at the sight of a long-legged Airedale puppy marching at the head of +the battalion to which she has appointed herself mascot. + + * * * * * + +QUIS CUSTODIET? + + "Engineer desires position as Manager of Works Manager."--_The + Aeroplane_. + + * * * * * + + "---- and Sons will sell by Auction four Shorthand and Jersey + Cows." + + _Morning Paper_. + +As the FOOD CONTROLLER'S Department is said to be still short of +clerks, he may like to bid for these accomplished creatures. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"FELIX GETS A MONTH." + +This "whimsical comedy," made by Mr. LEON M. LION out of a novel by +the late TOM GALLON, began in a distinctly intriguing mood. _Felix_ +had an uncle, a sport, on whom he had once played a scurvy practical +joke. This highly tolerant victim eventually cut up for a round +million, which he left to nephew _Felix_ on condition that he should +enter Umberminster as naked as the day he was born and earn his living +therein for a full calendar month--a palpable posthumous hit to the +old man. _Felix_ accordingly, equipped as laid down in the will, is +left by the family solicitor in a wood, and, after a night and a day +in hiding, appears shivering at the Mayor's parlour window, abstracts +a rug for temporary relief, and prevails upon the maid, a romantic +little orphan (who had been reading about river-gods and mistakes +_Felix_ for one), to borrow a suit of the Mayor's clothes--into which +he gets in time to interview that worthy when he returns with his grim +lady. "You'll get a month," says she with damnable iteration; and the +resourceful _Felix_, with an eye to the whimsical will, whimsically +suggests that justice would be better fulfilled by his putting in the +month at the Mayor's house as odd-job man than by his being conveyed +to the county jail. And the Mayor whimsically agrees. + +After that, I regret to say, honest whimsicality took wing, and the +show became merely--shall we say?--eupeptic. And certainly a much more +elaborate meal than my lord DEVONPORT allowed me would be required to +induce a mood sufficiently tolerant to face without impatience the +welter which followed. The three incredible people--mercenary virgin, +heavy father and aimless smiling villain--that walked straight out of +the Elephant and Castle into the Second Act were not, I suspect, any +elaborate (and quite irrelevant) joke of the actor-author's at the +expense of the transpontine method, but just queer puppets brought on +to disentangle the complications, though I confess I half thought that +the villain, Mr. LAWRENCE LEYTON, was pulling our legs with a quite +deliberate burlesque. On the whole I am afraid this play is but +another wreck on that old snag of the dramatised novel. + +But there were plenty of isolated good things, such as Mr. O.B. +CLARENCE'S really excellent Mayor, puzzled, pompous, eagle-pecked. +Miss FLORENCE IVOR, the eagle in question, gave a shrewd and shrewish +portrait of a wife gey ill to live with. Mr. REGINALD BACH'S very +entertaining imaginary portrait of a faithful boy scout was a stroke +of genius, his "call of the wild" being by far the best whim of the +evening. Miss EVA LEONARD-BOYNE as _Ninetta_, the orphan, did her +little job tenderly and prettily, but I couldn't believe in _Ninetta_ +in that galley, and I doubt if she did. Mr. GORDON ASH was the +debonair hero. I do most solemnly entreat him to consider the example +of some of the elders in his profession who have adopted a laugh as +their principal bit of business. It may turn into a millstone. Was he +not laughing the same laugh on this very stage in a very different +part three days ago? He was. If he got a month, laugh-barred, he would +profit by the sentence. For he has jolly good stuff in him. + +T. + +[Illustration: BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S NEST. + +_Alderman Twentyman_ . Mr. O.B. CLARENCE. + +_Felix Delany_ . . . . Mr. GORDON ASH.] + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMANDEERING. + +From a report of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech at Carnarvon:-- + + "There are eight million houses in this country. Let us have + VICTORY GUM FACTORY, Nelson, Lancs."--_Daily Dispatch._ + +But surely he does not want to be known as "The Stickit Minister." + + * * * * * + + "A grocer in a London suburb complains that on Saturday he and his + staff were 'run o ffthei rlegs by the extraordinary demands of + customers.'"--_Westminster Gazette._ + +We congratulate the printer on his gallant effort to depict the +situation. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Cook Generals, House Parlourmaids; fiends might + suit."--_Irish Paper._ + +Discussion of the eternal servant problem is apt to be one-sided; it +was quite time that we heard from the _advocatus diaboli_. + + * * * * * + +TO STEPHEN LEACOCK + + (_Professor of Political Economy at McGill University, Montreal, + and author of "Further Foolishness" and other notable works of + humour_). + + The life that is flagrantly double, + Conflicting in conduct and aim, + Is seldom untainted by trouble + And commonly closes in shame; + But no such anxieties pester + Your dual existence, which links + The functions of don and of jester-- + High thought and high jinks. + + Your earliest venture perhaps is + Unique in the rapture intense + Displayed in these riotous Lapses + From all that could savour of sense, + Recalling the "goaks" and the gladness + Of one whom we elders adored-- + The methodical midsummer madness + Of ARTEMUS WARD. + + With you, O enchanting Canadian, + We laughed till you gave us a stitch + In our sides at the wondrous Arcadian + Exploits of the indolent rich; + We loved your satirical sniping, + And followed, far over "the pond," + The lure of your whimsical piping + Behind the Beyond. + + In place of the squalor that stretches + Unchanged o'er the realist's page, + The sunshine that glows in your Sketches + Is potent our griefs to assuage; + And when, on your mettlesome charger, + Full tilt against reason you go, + Your Lunacy's finer and Larger + Than any I know. + + The faults of ephemeral fiction, + Exotic, erotic or smart, + The vice of delirious diction, + The latest excesses of Art-- + You flay in felicitous fashion, + With dexterous choice of your tools, + A scourge for unsavoury passion, + A hammer for fools. + + And yet, though so freakish and dashing, + You are not the slave of your fun, + For there's nobody better at lashing + The crimes and the cant of the Hun; + Anyhow, I'd be proud as a peacock + To have it inscribed on my tomb: + "He followed the footsteps of LEACOCK + In banishing gloom." + + * * * * * + +From an Indian clerk's letter to his employer:-- + + "I am glad that the War is progressing very favourably for the + Allies. We long for the day when, according to Lord Curzon's + saying, 'The Bengal Lancers will petrol the streets of Berlin.'" + +Quite the right spirit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Awe-struck Tommy (from the trenches)._ +"LOOK, BILL--SOLDIERS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +It may be as well for me to confess at once the humiliating fact +that I am not, and never have been, an Etonian. If that be a serious +disqualification for life in general, how much more serious must it +be for the particular task of reviewing a book which is of Eton all +compact, a book, for example, like _Memories of Eton Sixty Years Ago_, +by A.C. AINGER, with contributions from N.G. LYTTELTON and JOHN MURRAY +(MURRAY). For I have never been "up to" anybody; I have never been +present at "absence"; I have no real understanding of the difference +between a "tutor" and a "dame"; I call a "_p[oe]na_" by the plebeian +name of "imposition"; and, until I had read Mr. AINGERS'S book, I had +never heard of the verb "to brosier" or the noun substantive "bever." +Altogether my condition is most deplorable. Yet there are some +alleviations in my lot, and one of them has been the reading of this +delightful book. I found it most interesting, and can easily imagine +how Etonians will be absorbed in it, for it will revive for them +many an old and joyful memory of the days that are gone. Mr. AINGER +discourses, with a _mitis sapientia_ that is very attractive, on the +fashions and manners of the past and the gradual process of their +development into the Eton of the present. He is proud, as every good +Etonian must be, of Eton as it exists, but now and again he hints that +the Eton of an older time was in some respects a simpler and a better +place. The mood, however, never lasts long, and no one can quarrel +with the way in which it is expressed. General LYTTELTON, too, in one +of his contributions, relates how on his return from a long stay in +India he visited Eton, expecting to be modestly welcomed by shy and +ingenuous youths, and how, instead, he was received and patronised by +young but sophisticated men of the world. The GENERAL, I gather, +was somewhat chilled by his experience. Altogether this book is +emphatically one without which no Etonian's library can be considered +complete. + + * * * * * + +Perhaps of all our War correspondents Mr. PHILIP GIBBS contrives +to give in his despatches the liveliest sense of the movement, the +pageantry and the abominable horror of war. Pageantry there is, for +all the evil boredom and weariness of this pit-and-ditch business, +and Mr. GIBBS sees finely and has an honest pen that avoids the easy +_cliche_. You might truthfully describe his book, _The Battles of the +Somme_ (HEINEMANN), as an epic of the New Armies. He never seems to +lose his wonder at their courage and their spirit, and always with an +undercurrent of sincerely modest apology for his own presence there +with his notebook, a mere chronicler of others' gallantry. This +chronicle begins at the glorious 1st of July and ends just before +Beaumont-Hamel, which the author miserably missed, being sent home on +sick leave. It is a book that may well be one of those preserved and +read a generation hence by men who want to know what the great War +was really like. God knows it ought to help them to do something to +prevent another. Yet there is nothing morbid in it. As the sergeant +thigh-deep in a flooded trench said, "You know, Sir, it doesn't do +to take this war seriously." The armies of a nation that takes its +pleasures sadly take their bitter pains with a grin; and that grin +is what has made them such an unexpectedly tough proposition to the +All-Seriousest. + + * * * * * + +An old adage warns us never to buy a "pig in a poke." Equally good +advice for the heroines of fiction or drama would be never under any +circumstances to marry a bridegroom in a mask. In more cases than I +can recall, neglect of this simple precaution has led to a peck of +trouble. I am thinking now of _Yvonne_, leading lady in _The Mark of +Vraye_ (HUTCHINSON). I admit that poor _Yvonne_ had more excuse than +most. Hers was what you might call a hard case. On the one hand there +was the villain _Philippe_, a most naughty man, swearing that she was +in his power, and calling for instant marriage at the hands of _Father +Simon_, who happened to be present. On the other hand, the gentleman +in the mask revealed a pair of eyes that poor _Yvonne_ rashly supposed +to belong to someone for whom she had more than a partiality. So when +he suggested that the proposed ceremony should take place during +_Philippe's_ temporary absence from the stage, with himself as +substitute, _Yvonne_ (astonished perhaps at her own luck so early in +the plot) simply jumped at the idea. Then, of course, the deed being +done, off comes the mask, and behold the triumphant countenance of +her bitterest foe, _Charles de Montbrison_, whom she herself had +disfigured as the (supposed) murderer of her brother. Act drop and ten +minutes' interval. Need I detail for you the subsequent course of this +marriage of inconvenience? The courage and magnanimity of one side, +the feminine cruelty melting at last to love, and finally the +inevitable duologue of reconciliation, through which I can never help +hearing the rustle of opera-cloaks and the distant cab-whistles. +Charming, charming. Mr. H.B. SOMERVILLE has furnished a pleasant +entertainment, and one that (like all good readers or spectators) you +will enjoy none the less because of its entire familiarity. + + * * * * * + +_The Flight of Mariette_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a slender volume, whose +simplicity gives it a poignancy both incongruous and grim. Much of it +you might compare to the diary of a butterfly before and whilst being +broken on the wheel. _Mariette_, the jolly little maid of Antwerp, was +so tender and harmless a butterfly; and the machine that broke her +life and drove her to the martyrdom of exile was so huge and cruel a +thing. How cruel in its effects it is well for us just now to be again +reminded, lest, in these days of hurrying horrors, remembrance should +be weakened. To that extent therefore Miss GERTRUDE E.M. VAUGHAN has +done good service in compiling this human document of accusation. In +a preface Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY pleads the cause of our refugee guests, +not so much for charity as for comprehension. Certainly, _The Flight +of Mariette_ will do much to further such understanding. I think I +need only add that half the proceeds of its sale will go to feed the +seven million Belgians still in Belgium (prey to the twin wolves +of Prussia and starvation) for you to see that three shillings and +sixpence could hardly be better used than in the purchase of a copy. + + * * * * * + +I was beginning to wonder whether Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS was suffering +from writer's cramp, so much longer than usual does it seem since I +heard from him. Now, however, my anxiety is relieved by _My Devon +Year_ (SCOTT), a delightful book which could have come from no other +pen than his. It is a marvel how many fragrant things he still finds +to say, and with what inexhaustible freshness, about his beloved +county. I hesitate to give these sketches an indiscriminate +recommendation, because to those who walk through the country with +closed eyes they will have little or no meaning; but if you are in +love with beauty and can appreciate its translation into exquisite +language you will draw from them a real and lasting joy. Let me +confess now that I once asked Mr. PHILLPOTTS to give Devonshire a +rest, and that I accept _My Devon Year_ as a convincing proof that +this request was ill-considered. + + * * * * * + +I wish Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN would not throw so many bouquets at +his characters. _Roger Wynyard_, the hero of _Grace Lorraine_ +(HUTCHINSON), was really just a very ordinary youth, but when I +discovered that he was "the fine flower of our Public-School system," +"as chivalrous as a Bayard," and so forth, I began--unfairly, perhaps, +but quite irresistibly--to entertain a considerable prejudice against +him. Let me hasten, however, to add that Mr. SLADEN has packed his +novel with the kind of incident which appeals to the popular mind, +though his conclusion may cause a shock to those who think that our +divorce-laws are in need of reform. In the matter of style Mr. SLADEN +is content with something short of perfection. "It was easier for her +to forgive a man, with his happy-go-lucky nature, for getting +into trouble, than to forgive his getting out again by not being +sufficiently careful not to add to the other person's misfortune." +For myself, I do not find it so easy to forgive these happy-go-lucky +methods in a writer who ought to know better by now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry_. "WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Tommy_. "FRIEND." + +_Sentry_ (_on recognising voice_). "FRIEND! I DON'T THINK. WHY, YOU'RE +THE CHAP WHO BAGGED MY MESS-TIN BEFORE THE LAST KIT-INSPECTION."] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR LOAN; A LAST APPEAL. + + Now, by the memory of our gallant dead, + And by our hopes of peace through victory won, + Lend of your substance; let it not be said + You left your part undone. + + Lend all and gladly. If this bitter strife + May so by one brief hour be sooner stayed, + Then is your offering, spent to ransom life, + A thousand times repaid. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 14, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 17471.txt or 17471.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/4/7/17471/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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