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diff --git a/16897.txt b/16897.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcf551e --- /dev/null +++ b/16897.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2269 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Tables Turned, by William Morris + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Tables Turned + or, Nupkins Awakened. A Socialist Interlude + + +Author: William Morris + + + +Release Date: October 18, 2005 [eBook #16897] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE TABLES TURNED*** + + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1887 Office of "The Commonweal" edition by David +Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE TABLES TURNED; +or, +Nupkins Awakened + + +[Title page: title.jpg] + + A Socialist Interlude + BY + WILLIAM MORRIS + AUTHOR OF 'THE EARTHLY PARADISE.' + +_As for the first time played at the Hall of the Socialist League on +Saturday October 15, 1887_ + +LONDON: +OFFICE OF "THE COMMONWEAL" +13 FARRINGDON ROAD, E.C. +1887 + +_All Rights Reserved_. + + + + +ORIGINAL CAST. + + +_DRAMATIS PERSONAE--PART I_. + +Mr. La-di-da (_found guilty of swindling_) . . . H. BARTLETT. + +Mr. Justice Nupkins . . . W. BLUNDELL. + +Mr. Hungary, Q.C. (_Counsel for the Prosecution_) . . . W. H. UTLEY. + +Sergeant Sticktoit (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . JAMES ALLMAN. + +Constable Potlegoff (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . H. B. TARLETON. + +Constable Strongithoath (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . J. FLOCKTON. + +Mary Pinch (_a labourer's wife, accused of theft_) . . . MAY MORRIS. + +Foreman of Jury . . . T. CANTWELL. + +Jack Freeman (_a Socialist, accused of conspiracy, sedition, and +obstruction of the highway_) . . . H. H. SPARLING. + +Archbishop of Canterbury (_Witness for Defence_) . . . W. MORRIS. + +Lord Tennyson (_Witness for Defence_) . . . A. BROOKES. + +Professor Tyndall (_Witness for Defence_) . . . H. BARTLETT. + +William Joyce (_a Socialist Ensign_) . . . H. A. BARKER. + +Usher . . . J. LANE. + +Clerk of the Court . . . J. TURNER. + +Jurymen, Interrupters, Revolutionists, etc., etc. + +* * * * * + +_DRAMATIS PERSONAE.--PART II_. + +Citizen Nupkins (_late Justice_) . . . W. BLUNDELL, + +Mary Pinch . . . MAY MORRIS. + +William Joyce (_late Socialist Ensign_) . . . H. A. BARKER. + +Jack Freeman . . . H. H. SPARLING. + +1st Neighbour . . . H. B. TARLETON. + +2nd Neighbour . . . J. LANE. + +3rd Neighbour . . . H. GRAHAM. + +Robert Pinch, and other Neighbours, Men and Women. + + + + +PART I. + + +SCENE.--_A Court of Justice_. + +USHER, CLERK OF THE COURT, MR. HUNGARY, Q.C., _and others_. MR. LA-DI- +DA, _the prisoner, not in the dock, but seated in a chair before it_. +[_Enter_ MR. JUSTICE NUPKINS. + +_Usher_. Silence!--silence! + +_Mr. Justice Nupkins_. Prisoner at the bar, you have been found guilty +by a jury, after a very long and careful consideration of your remarkable +and strange case, of a very serious offence; an offence which squeamish +moralists are apt to call robbing the widow and orphan; a cant phrase +also, with which I hesitate to soil my lips, designates this offence as +swindling. You will permit me to remark that the very fact that such +nauseous and improper words can be used about the conduct of a +_gentleman_ shows how far you have been led astray from the path traced +out for the feet of a respectable member of society. Mr. La-di-da, if +you were less self-restrained, less respectful, less refined, less of a +gentleman, in short, I might point out to you with more or less severity +the disastrous consequences of your conduct; but I cannot doubt, from the +manner in which you have borne yourself during the whole of this trial, +that you are fully impressed with the seriousness of the occasion. I +shall say no more then, but perform the painful duty which devolves on me +of passing sentence on you. I am compelled in doing so to award you a +term of imprisonment; but I shall take care that you shall not be +degraded by contamination with thieves and rioters, and other coarse +persons, or share the diet and treatment which is no punishment to +persons used to hard living: that would be to inflict a punishment on you +not intended by the law, and would cast a stain on your character not +easily wiped away. I wish you to return to that society of which you +have up to this untoward event formed an ornament without any such stain. +You will, therefore, be imprisoned as a first-class misdemeanant for the +space of one calendar month; and I trust that during the retirement thus +enforced upon you, which to a person of your resources should not be very +irksome, you will reflect on the rashness, the incaution, the +impropriety, in one word, of your conduct, and that you will never be +discovered again appropriating to your personal use money which has been +entrusted to your care by your friends and relatives. + +_Mr. La-di-da_. I thank you, my lord, for your kindness and +consideration. May I be allowed to ask you to add to your kindness by +permitting me to return to my home and make some necessary arrangements +before submitting myself to the well-merited chastisement which my +imprudence has brought upon me? + +_Mr. J. N_. Certainly. I repeat I do not wish to make your sentence any +heavier by forcing a hard construction upon it. I give you a week to +make all arrangements necessary for your peace of mind and your bodily +comfort. + +_Mr. L_. I thank your lordship. [_Exit_. + +[_The case of_ MARY PINCH _called_.] + +_Mr. Hungary, Q.C_. I am for the prosecution, my lord, instructed by the +Secretary of State for the Home Department. (JUDGE _bites his pen and +nods_.) My lord, and gentlemen of the Jury, although this case may seem +to some ill-judging persons a trivial one, I think you will be able to +see before it is over that it is really important in its bearing on the +welfare of society, the welfare of the public; that is, of the +respectable public,--of the respectable public, gentlemen. For in these +days, when the spirit of discontent is so widespread, all illegal actions +have, so to say, a political bearing, my lord, and all illegal actions +are wicked, gentlemen of the Jury, since they tend towards the insecurity +of society, or in other words, are definitely aimed at the very basis of +all morality and religion. Therefore, my lord, I have received +instructions from the Home Secretary to prosecute this woman, who, as I +shall be able to prove to you, gentlemen of the Jury, by the testimony of +three witnesses occupying responsible official positions, has been guilty +of a breach at once of the laws of the country and the dictates of +morality, and has thereby seriously inconvenienced a very respectable +tradesman, nay (_looking at his brief_) three respectable tradesmen. I +shall be able to show, gentlemen, that this woman has stolen three loaves +of bread: (_impressively_) not one, gentlemen, but three. + +_A Voice_. She's got three children, you palavering blackguard! + +[_Confusion_. + +_Mr. Justice N_. (_who has made an elaborate show of composing himself to +slumber since the counsel began, here wakes up and cries out_) Arrest +that man, officer; I will commit him, and give him the heaviest +punishment that the law allows of. + +[_The_ USHER _dives among the audience amidst great confusion, but comes +back empty-handed_. + +_J. N_. A most dangerous disturbance! A most dangerous disturbance! + +_Mr. H_. Gentlemen of the Jury, in confirmation of my remarks on the +spirit that is abroad, I call your attention to the riot which has just +taken place, endangering, I doubt not, the life of his lordship, and your +own lives, gentlemen, so valuable to--to--to--in short, to yourselves. +Need I point out to you at any length, then, the danger of allowing +criminals, offenders against the sacred rights of property, to go at +large? This incident speaks for me, and I have now nothing to do but let +the witnesses speak for themselves. Gentlemen of the Jury, I do not ask +you to convict on insufficient evidence; but I _do_ ask you not to be +swayed by any false sentiment bearing reference to the so-called +smallness of the offence, or the poverty of the offender. The law is +made for the poor as well as for the rich, for the rich as well as for +the poor. The poor man has no more right to shelter himself behind his +poverty, than the rich man behind his riches. In short, gentlemen of the +Jury, what I ask you in all confidence to do, is to do justice and fear +not.--I call Sergeant Sticktoit. + +[SERGEANT STICKTOIT _sworn_. + +_Mr. H_. Well, sergeant, you saw this woman steal the loaves? + +_Sticktoit_. Yes, sir. + +_Mr. H_. All of them? + +_St_. Yes, all. + +_Mr. H_. From different shops, or from one? + +_St_. From three different shops. + +_Mr. H_. Yes, just so. (_Aside_: Then why the devil did he say from one +shop when his evidence was taken before?) (_To_ ST.) You were an eye- +witness of that? You noticed her take all three loaves? + +_St_. (_Aside_: He wants me to say from three different shops; I'm sure I +don't know why. Anyhow, I'll say it--and swear it.) (_To the Court_) +Yes, I was an eye-witness of the deed; (_pompously_) I followed her, and +then I took her. + +_Mr. H_. Yes, then you took her. Please tell the Court how. + +_St_. (_Aside_: Let's see, what did we agree was the likeliest way?) (_To +Court_) I saw her take the first loaf and hide it in her shawl; and then +the second one; and the second one tumbled down into the mud; and she +picked it up again and wiped it with her shawl; and then she took the +third; and when she tried to put that with the two others they all three +tumbled down; and as she stooped down to pick them up it seemed the best +time to take her, as the two constables had come up; so I took her. + +_Mr. N_. Yes; you took her. + +_St_. And she cried. + +_Mr. H_. Ah, she cried. Well, sergeant, that will do; you may go. +(_Aside_: The sooner he goes the better. Wouldn't I like to have the +cross-examining of him if he was called on the other side!) Constable +Potlegoff. + +[POTLEGOFF _sworn_. + +_Mr. H_. Well, constable, did you see the woman take the loaves? + +_Potlegoff_. Yes, sir. + +_Mr. H_. How did she take them? + +_Pot_. Off the counter, sir. + +_Mr. H_. Did she go into the shop to take them? + +_Pot_. Yes, sir. (_Aside_: I thought I was to say into three shops.) + +_Mr. H_. One after another? + +_Pot_. Yes, out of one shop one after another. (_Aside_: Now it's +right, I hope.) + +_Mr. H_. (_Aside_: Confound him, he's contradicting the other!) (_To_ +POT.) Yes, just so; one after the other. And did you see the second +loaf tumble down? + +_Pot_. Yes, sir. + +_Mr. H_. When was that? + +_Pot_. As she took it off the counter. + +_Mr. H_. Yes, _after_ she took it off the counter, in the street? + +_Pot_. No, sir. (_Catching the_ SERGEANT'S _eye_.) I mean yes, sir, +and she wiped the mud off them; the sergeant saw her--and I saw her. + +_A Voice_. Off IT, you liar! 'twas the second loaf, the single loaf, the +other liar said! + +[_Confusion. The judge wakes up and splutters, and tries to say +something; the_ USHER _goes through the audience, but finds no one_; +HUNGARY _spreads out his hands to the Jury, appealingly_. + +_Mr. H_. Yes, so it was in the street that you saw the loaves fall down? + +_Pot_. Yes, sir; it was in the street that I saw it tumble down. + +_A Voice_. You mean _them_, you fool! You haven't got the story right +yet! + +[_Confusion again. The_ JUDGE _sits up and stares like a man awaked from +a nightmare, then calls out_ Officer! Officer! _very loud. The_ USHER +_goes his errand again, and comes back bootless_. + +_Mr. H_. (_very blandly_). It was in the street that you saw the three +loaves fall down? + +_Pot_. Yes, it was in the street that I saw the loaf fall down. + +_Mr. H_. Yes, in the street; just so, in the street. You may go +(_Aside_: for a damned fool!). Constable Strongithoath. + +[CONSTABLE STRONGITHOATH _sworn_, + +_Mr. H_. Constable, did you see this robbery? + +_Strong_. I saw it. + +_Mr. H_. Tell us what you saw. + +_Strong_, (_very slowly and stolidly, and as if repeating a lesson_). I +saw her steal them all--all--all from one shop--from three shops--I +followed her--I took her. When she took it up--she let it drop--in the +shop--and wiped the street mud off it. Then she dropped them all three +in the shop--and came out--and I took her--with the help--of the two +constables--and she cried. + +_Mr. H_. You may go (_Aside_: for a new-caught joskin and a fool!). I +won't ask him any questions. + +_J. N_. (_waking up, and languid_). Do you call any other witnesses, Mr. +Hungary? + +_Mr. H_. No, my lord. (_Aside_: Not if I know it, considering the +quality of the evidence. Not that it much matters; the Judge is going to +get a conviction; the Jury will do as he tells them--always do.) (_To +the Court_): My lord and gentlemen of the Jury, that's my case. + +_J. N_. Well, my good woman, what have you to say to this? + +_Mary Pinch_. Say to it! What's the use of _saying_ anything to it? I'd +_do_ to it, if I could. + +_J. N_. Woman! what do you mean? Violence will not do here. Have you +witnesses to call? + +_M. P_. Witnesses! how can I call witnesses to swear that I didn't steal +the loaves? + +_J. N_. Well, do you wish to question the witnesses? You have a right +to. + +_M. P_. Much good that would be! Would you listen to me if I did? I +didn't steal the loaves; but I wanted them, I can tell you that. But +it's all one; you are going to have it so, and I might as well have +stolen a diamond necklace for all the justice I shall get here. What's +the odds? It's of a piece with the rest of my life for the last three +years. My husband was a handsome young countryman once, God help us! He +could live on ten shillings a-week before he married me; let alone that +he could pick up things here and there. Rabbits and hares some of them, +as why should he not? And I could earn a little too; it was not so bad +there. And then and for long the place was a pretty place, the little +grey cottage among the trees, if the cupboard hadn't been so bare; one +can't live on flowers and nightingale's songs. Then the children came +brisk, and the wages came slack; and the farmer got the new +reaping-machine, and my binding came to an end; and topping turnips for a +few days in the foggy November mornings don't bring you in much, even +when you havn't just had a baby. And the skim milk was long ago gone, +and the leasing, and the sack of tail-wheat, and the cheap cheeses almost +for nothing, and the hedge-clippings, and it was just the bare ten +shillings a-week. So at last, when we had heard enough of eighteen +shillings a-week up in London, and we scarce knew what London meant, +though we knew well enough what ten shillings a-week in the country +meant, we said we'd go to London and try it there; and it had been a good +harvest, quickly saved, which made it bad for us poor folk, as there was +the less for us to do; and winter was creeping in on us. So up to London +we came; for says Robert: "They'll let us starve here, for aught I can +see: they'll do naught for us; let us do something for ourselves." So up +we came; and when all's said, we had better have lain down and died in +the grey cottage clean and empty. I dream of it yet at whiles: clean, +but no longer empty; the crockery on the dresser, the flitch hanging from +the rafters, the pot on the fire, the smell of new bread about; and the +children fat and ruddy tumbling about in the sun; and my lad coming in at +the door stooping his head a little; for our door is low, and he was a +tall handsome chap in those days.--But what's the use of talking? I've +said enough: I didn't steal the loaves--and if I had a done, where was +the harm? + +_J. N_. Enough, woman? Yes, and far more than enough. You are an +undefended prisoner. You have not the advantage of counsel, or I would +not have allowed you to go on so long. You would have done yourself more +good by trying to refute the very serious accusation brought against you, +than by rambling into a long statement of your wrongs against society. We +all have our troubles to bear, and you must bear your share of them +without offending against the laws of your country--the equal laws that +are made for rich and poor alike. + +_A Voice_. _You_ can bear _her_ troubles well enough, can't you, old fat +guts? + +_J. N_. (_scarcely articulate with rage_). Officer! officer! arrest that +man, or I will arrest you! + +[USHER _again makes a vain attempt to get hold of some one_. + +_J. N_. (_puffing and blowing with offended dignity_). Woman, woman, +have you anything more to say? + +_M. P_. Not a word. Do what you will with me. I don't care. + +_J. N_. (_impressively_). Gentlemen of Jury, simple as this case seems, +it is a most important one under the present condition of discontent +which afflicts this country, and of which we have had such grievous +manifestations in this Court to-day. This is not a common theft, +gentlemen--if indeed a theft has been committed--it is a revolutionary +theft, based on the claim on the part of those who happen unfortunately +to be starving, to help themselves at the expense of their more +fortunate, and probably--I may say certainly--more meritorious +countrymen. I do not indeed go so far as to say that this woman is in +collusion with those ferocious ruffians who have made these sacred +precincts of justice ring with their ribald and threatening scoff's. But +the persistence of these riotous interruptions, and the ease with which +their perpetrators have evaded arrest, have produced a strange impression +in my mind. (_Very impressively_.) However, gentlemen, that impression +I do not ask you to share; on the contrary, I warn you against it, just +as I warn you against being moved by the false sentiment uttered by this +woman, tinged as it was by the most revolutionary--nay, the most +bloodthirsty feeling. Dismiss all these non-essentials from your minds, +gentlemen, and consider the evidence only; and show this mistaken woman +the true majesty of English Law by acquitting her--if you are not +satisfied with the abundant, clear, and obviously unbiassed evidence, put +before you with that terseness and simplicity of diction which +distinguishes our noble civil force. The case is so free from intricacy, +gentlemen, that I need not call your attention to any of the details of +that evidence. You must either accept it as a whole and bring in a +verdict of guilty, or your verdict must be one which would be tantamount +to accusing the sergeant and constables of wilful and corrupt perjury; +and I may add, wanton perjury; as there could be no possible reason for +these officers departing from the strict line of truth. Gentlemen I +leave you to your deliberations. + +_Foreman of Jury_. My lord, we have already made up our minds. Your +lordship need not leave the Court: we find the woman guilty. + +_J. N_. (_gravely nodding his head_). It now remains for me to give +sentence. Prisoner at the bar, you have been convicted by a jury of your +countrymen-- + +_A Voice_. That's a lie! You convicted her: you were judge and jury +both. + +_J. N_. (_in a fury_). Officer, you are a disgrace to your coat! Arrest +that man, I say. I would have had the Court cleared long ago, but that I +hoped that you would have arrested the ruffian if I gave him a chance of +repeating his--his crime. + +[_The_ USHER _makes his usual promenade_. + +_J. N_. You have been convicted by a jury of your countrymen of stealing +three loaves of bread; and I do not see how in the face of the evidence +they could have come to any other verdict. Convicted of such a serious +offence, this is not the time and place to reproach you with other +misconduct; and yet I could almost regret that it is not possible to put +you once more in the dock, and try you for conspiracy and incitement to +riot; as in my own mind I have no doubt that you are in collusion with +the ruffianly revolutionists, who, judging from their accent, are +foreigners of a low type, and who, while this case has been proceeding, +have been stimulating their bloodstained souls to further horrors by the +most indecent verbal violence. And I must here take the opportunity of +remarking that such occurrences could not now be occurring, but for the +ill-judged leniency of even a Tory Government in permitting that pest of +society the unrespectable foreigner to congregate in this metropolis. + +_A Voice_. What do they do with you, you blooming old idiot, when you +goes abroad and waddles through the Loover? + +_J. N_. Another of them! another of those scarcely articulate +foreigners! This is a most dangerous plot! Officer, arrest everybody +present except the officials. I will make an example of everybody: I +will commit them all. + +_Mr. H_. (_leaning over to_ JUDGE). I don't see how it can be done, my +lord. Let it alone: there's a Socialist prisoner coming next; you can +make him pay for all. + +_J. N_. Oh! there is, is there? All right--all right. I'll go and get +a bit of lunch (_offering to rise_). + +_Clerk_. Beg pardon, my lord, but you haven't sentenced the prisoner. + +_J. N_. Oh, ah! Yes. Oh, eighteen months' hard labour. + +_M. P_. Six months for each loaf that I didn't steal! Well, God help +the poor in a free country! Won't you save all further trouble by +hanging me, my lord? Or if you won't hang me, at least hang my children: +they'll live to be a nuisance to you else. + +_J. N_. Remove the woman. Call the next case. (_Aside_: And look +sharp: I want to get away.) + +[_Case of_ JOHN _or_ JACK FREEMAN _called_.] + +_Mr. H_. I am for the prosecution, my lord. + +_J. N_. Is the prisoner defended? + +_Jack Freeman_. Not I. + +_J. N_. Hold your tongue, sir! I did not ask you. Now, brother +Hungary. + +_Mr. H_. Once more, my lord and gentlemen of the Jury, I rise to address +you; and, gentlemen, I must congratulate you on having the honour of +assisting on two State trials on one day; for again I am instructed by +the Secretary of State for the Home Department to prosecute the prisoner. +He is charged with sedition and incitement to riot and murder, and also +with obstructing the Queen's Highway. I shall bring forward overwhelming +evidence to prove the latter offence--which is, indeed, the easiest of +all offences to be proved, since the wisdom of the law has ordained that +it can be committed without obstructing anything or anybody. As for the +other, and what we may excusably consider the more serious offence, the +evidence will, I feel sure, leave no doubt in your minds concerning the +guilt of the prisoner. I must now give you a few facts in explanation of +this case. You may not know, gentlemen of the Jury, that in the midst of +the profound peace which this glorious empire now enjoys; in spite of the +liberty which is the proud possession of every Briton, whatever his rank +or fortune; in spite of the eager competition and steadily and swiftly +rising wages for the services of the workmen of all grades, so that such +a thing as want of employment is unheard of amongst us; in spite of the +fact that the sick, the infirm, the old, the unfortunate, are well +clothed and generously fed and housed in noble buildings, miscalled, I am +free to confess, _work_houses, since the affectionate assiduity of our +noble Poor Law takes every care that if the inmates are of no use to +themselves they shall at least be of no use to any one else,--in spite of +all these and many kindred blessings of civilisation, there are, as you +may not know, a set of wicked persons in the country, mostly, it is true, +belonging to that class of non-respectable foreigners of whom my lord +spoke with such feeling, taste, and judgment, who are plotting, rather +with insolent effrontery than crawling secrecy, to overturn the sacred +edifice of property, the foundation of our hearths, our homes, and our +altars. Gentlemen of the Jury, it might be thought that such madmen +might well be left to themselves, that no one would listen to their +ravings, and that the glorious machinery of Justice need no more be used +against them than a crusader's glittering battle-axe need be brought +forward to exterminate the nocturnal pest of our couches. This indeed +has been, I must say unfortunately, the view taken by our rulers till +quite recently. But times have changed, gentlemen; for need I tell you, +who in your character of shrewd and successful men of business understand +human nature so well, that in this imperfect world we must not reckon on +the wisdom, the good sense of those around us. Therefore you will +scarcely be surprised to hear that these monstrous, wicked, and +disreputable doctrines are becoming popular; that murder and rapine are +eagerly looked forward to under such names as Socialism, revolution, co- +operation, profit-sharing, and the like; and that the leaders of the sect +are dangerous to the last degree. Such a leader you now see before you. +Now I must tell you that these Socialist or Co-operationist incendiaries +are banded together into three principal societies, and that the prisoner +at the bar belongs to one if not two of these, and is striving, hitherto +in vain, for admittance into the third and most dangerous. The +Federationist League and the International Federation, to one or both of +which this man belongs, are dangerous and malevolent associations; but +they do not apply so strict a test of membership as the third body, the +Fabian Democratic Parliamentary League, which exacts from every applicant +a proof of some special deed of ferocity before admission, the most +guilty of their champions veiling their crimes under the specious +pretexts of vegetarianism, the scientific investigation of supernatural +phenomena, vulgarly called ghost-catching, political economy, and other +occult and dull studies. But though not yet admitted a neophyte of this +body, the prisoner has taken one necessary step towards initiation, in +learning the special language spoken at all the meetings of these +incendiaries: for this body differs from the other two in using a sort of +cant language or thieves' Latin, so as to prevent their deliberations +from becoming known outside their unholy brotherhood. Examples of this +will be given you by the witnesses, which I will ask you to note +carefully as indications of the dangerous and widespread nature of the +conspiracy. I call Constable Potlegoff. + +[CONSTABLE POTLEGOFF _sworn_. + +_Mr. H_. Have you seen the prisoner before? + +_Pot_. Yes. + +_Mr. H_. Where? + +_Pot_. At Beadon Road, Hammersmith. + +_Mr. H_. What was he doing there? + +_Pot_. He was standing on a stool surrounded by a dense crowd. + +_Mr. H_. What else? + +_Pot_. He was speaking to them in a loud tone of voice. + +_Mr. H_. You say it was a dense crowd: how dense? Would it have been +easy for any one to pass through the crowd? + +_Pot_. It would have been impossible. I could not have got anywhere +near him without using my truncheon--which I have a right to do. + +_Mr. H_. Is Beadon Road a frequented thoroughfare? + +_Pot_. Very much so, especially on a Sunday morning. + +_Mr. H_. Could you hear what he said? + +_Pot_. I could and I did. I made notes of what he said. + +_Mr. H_. Can you repeat anything he said? + +_Pot_. I can. He urged the crowd to disembowel all the inhabitants of +London. (_Sensation_.) + +_Mr. H_. Can you remember the exact words he used? + +_Pot_. I can. He said, "Those of this capital should have no bowels. +You workers must see to having this done." + +_J. N_. Stop a little; it is important that I should get an accurate +note of this (_writing_). Those who live in this metropolis must have +their bowels drawn out--is that right? + +_Pot_. This capital, he said, my lord. + +_J. N_. (_writing_). This capital. Well, well, well! I cannot guess +why the prisoner should be so infuriated against this metropolis. Go on, +Mr. Hungary. + +_Mr. H_. (_to witness_). Can you remember any other words he said? + +_Pot_. Yes; later on he said, "I hope to see the last Londoner hung in +the guts of the last member of Parliament." + +_J. N_. Londoner, eh? + +_Pot_. Yes, my lord; that is, he meant Londoner. + +_J. N_. You mustn't say what he meant, you must say what you heard him +say. + +_Pot_. Capital, my lord. + +_J. N_. I see; (_writing_). The last dweller in the metropolis. + +_Pot_. Capital, my lord. + +_J. N_. Yes, exactly; that's just what I've written--this metropolis. + +_Pot_. He said capital, my lord. + +_Mr. H_. Capital, the witness says, my lord. + +_J. N_. Well, doesn't that mean the same thing? I tell you I've got it +down accurately. + +_J. F_. (_who has been looking from one to the other with an amused_ +_smile, now says as if he were thinking aloud_:) Well, I _am_ damned! +what a set of fools! + +_J. N_. What is that you said, sir? Have you no sense of decency, sir? +Are you pleading, or are you not pleading? I have a great mind to have +you removed. + +_J. F_. (_laughing_). Oh, by all means remove me! I didn't ask to be +here. Only look here, I could set you right in three minutes if you only +let me. + +_J. N_. Do you want to ask the witness anything? If not, sir, hold your +tongue, sir. No, sir; don't speak, sir. I can see that you are +meditating bullying me; let me advise you, sir, not to try it. + +_Mr. H_. (_to_ POT.) Was that the only occasion on which you heard him +speaking? + +_Pot_. No; I have heard him speaking in Hyde Park and saying much the +same thing, and calling Mr. Justice Nupkins a damned old fool! + +_J. N_. (_writing_). "A damned old fool!" Anything else? + +_Pot_. A blasted old cheat! + +_J. N_. (_writing_). "A blasted old cheat!" (_Cheerfully_) Go on. + +_Pot_. Another time he was talking in a public-house with two men whom I +understood to be members of the Fabian League. He was having words with +them, and one of them said, "Ah, but you forget the rent of ability"; and +he said, "Damn the rent of ability, I will smash their rents of +abilities." + +_Mr. H_. Did you know what that meant? + +_Pot_. No; not then. + +_Mr. H_. But you do now? + +_Pot_. Yes; for I got into conversation with one of them, who told me +that it meant the brain, the skull. + +_J. N_. (_writing_). "The rent of ability is a cant phrase in use among +these people signifying the head." + +_Mr. H_. Well? + +_Pot_. Well, then they laughed and said, Well, as far as he is +concerned, smash it when you can catch it. + +_Mr. H_. Did you gather whose head it was that they were speaking of? + +_Pot_. Yes; his lordship's. + +_Mr. H_. (_impressively and plaintively_). And _why_? + +_Pot_. Because they said he had jugged their comrades like a damned old +smoutch! + +_J. N_. _Jugged_? + +_Pot_. Put them in prison, my lord. + +_J. N_. (_Aside_: That Norwich affair.) Wait! I must write my self down +a smoutch--smoutch? no doubt a foreign word. + +_Mr. H_. What else have you heard the prisoner say. + +_Pot_. I have heard him threaten to make her Majesty the Queen take in +washing. + +_J. N_. Plain washing? + +_Pot_. Yes, my lord. + +_J. N_. Not fancy work? + +_Pot_. No, my lord. + +_A Juryman_. Have you heard him suggest any means of doing all this? + +_Pot_. Yes, sir; for I have attended meetings of his association in +disguise, when they were plotting means of exciting the populace. + +_Mr. H_. In which he took part? + +_Pot_. In which he took part. + +_Mr. H_. You heard him arranging with others for a rising of the lower +orders? + +_Pot_. Yes, sir; and on the occasion, when I met him in the public +house, I got into conversation with him, and he told me that his society +numbered upwards of two millions. (J. F. _grins_.) + +_The Juryman_ (_anxiously_). Armed? + +_Pot_. He said there were arms in readiness for them. + +_Mr. H_. Did you find out where? + +_Pot_. Yes; at the premises of the Federationist League, 13 Farringdon +Road. + +_Mr. H_. Did you search for them there? + +_Pot_. Yes. + +_Mr. H_. Did you find them? + +_Pot_. No; we found nothing but printing-stock and some very shabby +furniture, and the office-boy, and three compositors. + +_Mr. H_. Did you arrest them? + +_Pot_. No; we thought it better not to do so. + +_Mr. H_. Did they oppose your search? + +_Pot_. No. + +_Mr. H_. What did they do? + +_Pot_. Well, they took grinders at me and said, "Sold!" + +_Mr. H_. Meaning, doubtless, that they had had an inkling of your search +and had sold the arms? + +_Pot_. So we gathered. + +_J. N_. (_writing_). "They did not find the arms because they had been +sold." + +_Mr. H_. Well, Constable, that will do. + +_J. N_. Prisoner, do you wish to ask the Constable any questions? + +_J. F_. Well, I don't know. I strongly suspect that you have made up +your mind which way the jury shall make up their minds, so it isn't much +use. However, I will ask him three questions. Constable Potlegoff, at +how many do you estimate the dense crowd at Beadon Road, when I +obstructed? + +_Pot_. Upwards of a thousand. + +_J. F_. H'm; a good meeting! How many were present at that meeting of +the Socialist League where we were plotting to make the Queen take in +washing? + +_Pot_. Upwards of two hundred. + +_J. F_. Lastly, when I told you in the public-house that we were two +millions strong, were you drunk or sober? + +_Pot_. Sober. + +_J. F_. H'm! It's a matter of opinion perhaps as to when a man _is_ +drunk. Was I sober? + +_Pot_. No; drunk. + +_J. F_. H'm! So I should think. That'll do, Mr. Potlegoff; I won't +muddle your "Rent-of-Ability" any more. Good bye. + +[SERGEANT STICKTOIT _called_. + +_Mr. H_. Have you heard the prisoner speaking? + +_St_. Yes. + +_Mr. H_. Where? + +_St_. At Beadon Road amongst other places: that's where I took him. + +_Mr. H_. What was he doing? + +_St_. Standing on a stool, speaking + +_Mr. H_. Yes; speaking: to how many people? + +_St_. About a thousand. + +_Mr. H_. Could you get near him? + +_St_. Nowhere near. + +_Mr. H_. Well, can you tell me what he was saying? + +_St_. Well, he said that all the rich people and all the shopkeepers +(_glancing at the Jury_) should be disemboweled and flayed alive, and +that all arrangements had been made for doing it, if only the workingmen +would combine. He then went into details as to where various detachments +were to meet in order to take the Bank of England and capture the Queen. +He also threatened to smash Mr. Justice Nupkins' "Rent-of-Ability," by +which I understood him to mean his skull. + +_J. N_. His--my brains, you mean! + +_St_. No, my lord; for he said that you--that he--hadn't any brains. + +_Mr. H_. Did you find any documents or papers on him when he was +arrested? + +_St_. Yes; he had a bundle of papers with him. + +_Mr. H_. Like this? (_showing a number of_ "_Commonweal_") + +_St_. Yes. + +_J. F_. (_Aside_: Two quires that I couldn't sell, damn it!) + +_Mr. H_. We put this paper in, my lord. Your lordship will notice the +vileness of the incendiarism contained in it. I specially draw your +attention to this article by one Bax, who as you will see, is familiar +with the use of dynamite to a fearful extent. (J. N. _reads, muttering_ +"_Curse of Civilisation_.") Gentlemen of the Jury that is our case. + +_J. N_. (_looking up from_ "_Commonweal_"). Prisoner at the bar, what +have you to say? Do you call witnesses? + +_J. F_. Yes, I call witnesses, but I haven't much to say. I am accused +of obstruction, but I shan't argue that point, as I know that I should do +myself no good by proving that I had not obstructed. I am accused of +being a Socialist and a revolutionist. Well, if you, my lord, and you, +gentlemen of the Jury, and the classes to which you belong, knew what +Socialism means--and I fear you take some pains not to--you would also +know what the condition of things is now, and how necessary revolution +is. So if it is a crime to be a Socialist and a revolutionist, I have +committed that crime; but the charge against me is that I am a criminal +fool, which I am not. And my witnesses will show you, gentlemen of the +Jury, that the evidence brought against me is a mass of lies of the +silliest concoction. That is, they will show it you if you are sensible +men and understand your position as jurymen, which I almost fear you do +not. Well, it will not be the first time that the judge has usurped the +function of the jury, and I would go to prison cheerfully enough if I +could hope it would be the last. + +[_He pauses as if to listen. Confused noises and the sound of the_ +"_Marseillaise_" _a long way off_. (_Aside_: What is it, I wonder?--No; +it's nothing.) + +_J. N_. Prisoner, what is the matter with you? You seem to be +intoxicated; and indeed I hope you are, for nothing else could excuse the +brutality of your language. + +_J. F_. Oh, don't put yourself out, my lord. You've got the whip-hand +of me, you know. I thought I heard an echo; that's all. Well, I will +say no more, but call the Archbishop of Canterbury. + +[_Enter the_ ARCHBISHOP, _who is received with much reverence and +attention. He is sworn_. + +_J. F_. Your Grace, were you present at the meeting at Beadon Road where +I was arrested? + +_Arch_. Yes--yes, I _was_ there. Strange to say, it was on a Sunday +morning. I needed some little refreshment from the toils of +ecclesiastical office. So I took a cab, I admit under the pretext of +paying a visit to my brother of London; and having heard the fame of +these Socialist meetings, I betook me to one of them for my instruction +and profit: for I hold that in these days even those that are highest in +the Church should interest themselves in social matters. + +_J. F_. Well, my lord, were you pleased with what you saw and heard? + +_Arch_. I confess, sir, that I was disappointed. + +_J. F_. Why, my lord? + +_Arch_. Because of the extreme paucity of the audience. + +_J. F_. Were there a thousand persons present? + +_Arch_. (_severely_). I must ask you not to jest with me in the sacredly +respectable precincts of a Court of Justice. To the best of my +remembrance, there were present at the commencement of your discourse but +three persons exclusive of yourself. That fact is impressed on my mind +from the rude and coarse words which you said when you mounted your stool +or rostrum to the friend who accompanied you and had under his arm a +bundle of a very reprehensible and ribald print called the _Commonweal_, +one of which he, I may say, forced me to purchase. + +_J. F_. Well, what did I say? + +_Arch_. You said, "I say, Bill! damned hard lines to have to speak to a +lamp-post, a kid, and an old buffer"--by the latter vulgarity indicating +myself, as I understand. + +_J. F_. Yes, my lord, so it is. Now let me ask you, if that matters, is +Beadon Road a thronged thoroughfare? + +_Arch_. On the contrary; at least on the morning on which I was there, +there was a kind of Sabbath rest about it, scarcely broken by the +harangue of yourself, sir. + +_J. F_. You heard what I said, my lord? + +_Arch_. I did, and was much shocked at it. + +_J. F_. Well, did I say anything about bowels? + +_Arch_. I regret to say that you did. + +_J. F_. Do you remember the words I used? + +_Arch_. Only too well. You said, but at great length, and with much +embroidery of language more than questionable, that capital had no bowels +for the worker, nor owners of capital either; and that since no one else +would be kind to them, the workers must be kind to themselves and take +the matter into their own hands. + +_J. N_. (_making notes_). Owners of _the capital_; workman must take the +matter--take the matter--into their own hands. + +_J. F_. Well, I have no more questions to ask your Grace. + +_Mr. H_. With many excuses, your Grace, _I_ will ask you a question. + +_Arch_. Certainly, Mr Hungary. + +_Mr. H_. You say that the audience was very small; that was at first; +but did it not increase as time went on? + +_Arch_. Yes; an itinerant vendor of ices drew up his stall there, and +two policemen--these gentlemen--strolled in, and some ten or more others +stood round us before the orator had finished. + +_Mr. H_. (_Aside_: H'm! old beggar will be so very specific. Let's try +him as to the sedition.) (_To_ ARCH.) My lord, you said that you were +shocked at what the prisoner said: what was the nature of his discourse? + +_Arch_. I regret to have to say that it was a mass of the most frightful +incendiarism, delivered with an occasional air of jocularity and dry +humour that made my flesh creep. Amidst the persistent attacks on +property he did not spare other sacred things. He even made an attack on +my position, stating (wrongly) the amount of my moderate stipend. Indeed, +I think he recognised me, although I was partially disguised. + +_J. F_. (_Aside_: True for you, old Benson, or else how could I have +subpoenaed you?) + +_Mr. H_. I thank your Grace: that will do. + +_J. F_. I now call Lord Tennyson. + +[LORD TENNYSON _sworn_. + +_J. F_. My lord, have you been present, in disguise, at a meeting of the +Socialist League in 13 Farringdon Road? + +_Lord T_. What's that to you? What do you want to know for? Yes, I +have, if it comes to that. + +_J. F_. Who brought you there? + +_Lord T_. A policeman: one Potlegoff. I thought he was a Russian by his +name, but it seems he is an Englishman--and a liar. He said it would be +exciting: so I went. + +_J. F_. And was it exciting? + +_Lord T_. NO: it was _dull_. + +_J. F_. How many were present? + +_Lord T_. Seventeen: I counted them, because I hadn't got anything else +to do. + +_J. F_. Did they plot anything dreadful? + +_Lord T_. Not that I could hear. They sat and smoked; and one fool was +in the chair, and another fool read letters; and then they worried till I +was sick of it as to where such and such fools should go to spout folly +the next week; and now and then an old bald-headed fool and a stumpy +little fool in blue made jokes, at which they laughed a good deal; but I +couldn't understand the jokes--and I came away. + +_J. F_. Thank you, my lord. + +_Mr. H_. My lord Tennyson, I wish to ask you a question. You say that +you couldn't understand their jokes: but could you understand them when +they were in earnest? + +_Lord T_. No, I couldn't: I can't say I tried. I don't want to +understand Socialism: it doesn't belong to my time. [_Exit_. + +_J. F_. I call Professor Tyndall. + +[PROFESSOR TYNDALL _sworn_. + +_J. F_. Professor Tyndall, have you seen me before? + +_Pro. T_. Yes; I have seen you in a public-house, where I went to +collect the opinions of the lower orders against Mr. Gladstone. + +_J. F_. Who was I with? + +_Pro. T_. You were with a man whom I was told was a policeman in plain +clothes, and with some others that I assume to have been friends of +yours, as you winked at them and you and they were laughing together as +you talked to the policeman. + +_J. F_. Do you see the policeman in Court? + +_Pro. T_. Yes; there he is. + +_J. F_. Was he drunk or sober? + +_Pro. T_. What, now? + +_J. F_. No--then. + +_Pro. T_. (_with decision_). Drunk. + +_J. F_. Was I drunk? + +_Pro. T_. What, now? + +_J. F_. No--then; though you may tell me whether I'm drunk or not now, +if you like, and define drunkenness scientifically. + +_Pro. T_. Well, you were so, so. + +_J. F_. Thank you, Professor. + +_Mr. H_. One question, Professor Tyndall. Did you hear what the +prisoner was saying to the policeman--who, by the way, was, I suspect, +only shamming drunkenness? + +_J. F_. (_Aside_: He could carry a good deal, then.) + +_Pro. T_. Yes, I heard him. He was boasting of the extent and power of +the Socialist organisation. + +_Mr. H_. And did you believe it? did it surprise you? + +_Pro. T_. It did not in the least surprise me: it seemed to me the +natural consequences of Gladstone's Home Rule Bill. As to believing it, +I knew he was jesting; but I thought that his jesting concealed very +serious earnest. He seemed to me a determined, cunning, and most +dangerous person. + +_Mr. H_. I thank you, professor. [_Exit_ PRO. T. + +_J. N_. Prisoner, do you want to re-examine the witnesses? What's that +noise outside? They ought to be arrested. + +["_Marseillaise_" _again without, and tumult nearer_. FREEMAN _listens +intently, without heeding the_ JUDGE. + +_J. N_. Prisoner, why don't you answer? Your insolence won't serve you +here, I can tell you. + +_J. F_. I was listening, Judge; I thought I heard that echo again. + +_J. N_. Echo again! What does the fellow mean? It's my belief you're +drunk, sir: that you have stimulated your courage by liquor. + +_A Voice_. Look out for _your_ courage, old cockywax; you may have +something to try it presently! + +_J. N_. Officer, arrest that pernicious foreigner. + +[USHER _promenades once more_. + +_J. N_. (_Aside_: I don't like it: I'm afraid there is something going to +happen.) (_To Court_) Mr. Hungary. + +_Mr. H_. My lord and gentlemen of the Jury, the prisoner's mingled +levity and bitterness leaves me little to answer to. I can only say, +gentlemen of the Jury, that I am convinced that you will do your duty. As +to the evidence, I need make no lengthened comments on it, because I am +sure his lordship will save me the trouble. (_Aside_: Trust him!) It is +his habit--his laudable habit--to lead juries through the intricacies +which beset unprofessional minds in dealing with evidence. For the rest, +there is little need to point out the weight of the irrefragible +testimony of the sergeant and constable,--men trained to bring forward +those portions of the facts which come under their notice which _are_ +weighty. I will not insult you, my lord, by pointing out to intelligent +gentlemen in your presence how the evidence of the distinguished and +illustrious personages so vexatiously called by the prisoner, so far from +shaking the official evidence, really confirms it. (_Aside_: I wonder +what all that row is about? I wish I were out of this and at home.) +Gentlemen of the Jury, I repeat that I expect you to do your duty and +defend yourselves from the bloodthirsty designs of the dangerous +revolutionist now before you. (_Aside_: Well, now I'm off, and the +sooner the better; there's a row on somewhere.) [_Exit_. + +_J. N_. Gentlemen of the Jury, I need not expatiate to you on the +importance of the case before you. There are two charges brought against +the prisoner, but one so transcends the other in importance--nay, I may +say swallows it up--that I imagine your attention will be almost wholly +fixed on that--the charge of conspiring and inciting to riot. Besides, +on the lesser charge the evidence is so simple and crystal-clear that I +need but allude to it. I will only remark on the law of the case, that +committing an obstruction is a peculiar offence, since it is committed by +everyone who, being in a public thoroughfare, does not walk briskly +through the streets from his starting-place to his goal. There is no +need to show that some other person is hindered by him in his loitering, +since obviously that _might_ be the case; and besides, his loitering +might hinder another from forming in his mind a legitimate wish to be +there, and so might do him a very special and peculiar injury. In fact, +gentlemen, it has been doubted whether this grave offence of obstruction +is not always being committed by everybody, as a corollary to the well- +known axiom in physics that two bodies cannot occupy the same space at +one and the same time. So much, gentlemen, for the lesser accusation. As +to the far more serious one, I scarcely know in what words to impress +upon you the gravity of the accusation. The crime is an attack on the +public safety, gentlemen; if it has been committed, gentlemen--if it has +been committed. On that point you are bound by your oaths to decide +according to the evidence; and I must tell you that the learned counsel +was in error when he told you that I should direct your views as to that +evidence. It is for you to say whether you believe that the witnesses +were speaking what was consonant with truth. But I am bound to point out +to you that whereas the evidence for the prosecution was clear, definite, +and consecutive, that for the defence had no such pretensions. Indeed, +gentlemen, I am at a loss to discover why the prisoner put those +illustrious and respectable personages to so much trouble and +inconvenience merely to confirm in a remarkable way the evidence of the +sergeant and the constable. His Grace the Archbishop said that there +were but three persons present when the prisoner _began_ speaking; but he +has told us very clearly that before the end of the discourse there were +ten, or more. You must look at those latter words, _or more_, as a key +to reconcile the apparent discrepancy between his Grace's evidence and +that of constable Potlegoff. This, however, is a matter of little +importance, after what I have told you about the law in the case of +obstruction. His Grace's clear remembrance of the horrible language of +the prisoner, and the shuddering disgust that it produced on him, is a +very different matter. Although his remembrance of the _ipsissima verba_ +does not quite tally with that of the constable, it is clear that both +the Archbishop and the policeman have noted the real significance of what +was said: The owners of this capital, said the prisoner-- + +_J. F_. I said nothing of the kind. + +_J. N_. Yes you did, sir. Those were the very words you said: I have +got it down in my notes of his Grace's evidence. What is the use of your +denying it, when your own witness gives evidence of it? Hold your +tongue, sir.--And the workingmen, says the prisoner, must take the matter +into their own hands. Take it into _their own hands_, gentlemen, and +take _the matter_ into their hands. What matter are they to take into +their hands? Are we justified in thinking that the prisoner was speaking +metaphorically? Gentlemen, I must tell you that the maxim that in +weighing evidence you need not go beyond the most direct explanation +guides us here; forbids us to think that the prisoner was speaking +metaphorically, and compels us to suppose that the _matter_ which is to +be in the _hands_ of the workmen, their very _hands_, gentlemen, is--what? +Why, (_in an awe-struck whisper_) the bowels of the owners of the +capital, that is of this metropolis--London! Nor, gentlemen, are the +means whereby those respectable persons, the owners of house property in +London, to be disembowelled left doubtful: the raising of armed men by +the million, concealed weapons, and an organisation capable of +frustrating the search for them. Nay, an article in the paper which +impudently calls itself (_reading the_ "_Commonweal_") the official +journal of the Socialist League, written by one Bax, who ought to be +standing in the same dock with the prisoner--an article in which he +attacks the sacredness of civilisation--is murky with the word dynamic or +dynamite. And you must not forget, gentlemen, that the prisoner accepts +his responsibility for all these words and deeds. With the utmost +effrontery having pleaded "Not Guilty," he says, "I am a Socialist and a +Revolutionist"!--Thus much, gentlemen, my duty compels me to lay before +you as to the legal character of the evidence. But you must clearly +understand that it rests with you and not with me to decide as to whether +the evidence shows this man to be guilty. It is you, gentlemen of the +Jury, who are responsible for the verdict, whatever it may be; and I must +be permitted to add that letting this man loose upon society will be a +very heavy responsibility for you to accept. + +[_The Jury consult: the noise outside increases_. + +_J. F_. (_Aside_; Hilloa! what _is_ going on? I begin to think there's a +row up!) + +_Foreman of the Jury_. My lord, we are agreed upon our verdict. + +_J. N_. Do you find the prisoner at the bar "Guilty" or "Not Guilty"? + +_F. of J_. Guilty, my lord. + +_J. F_. Just _so_. + +_J. N_. Prisoner at the bar, you have been fairly tried and found guilty +by a jury of your fellow-countrymen of two most serious offences--crimes, +I should say. If I had not to pronounce sentence upon one whose +conscience is seared and case-hardened to an unexampled degree, I might +have some words to say to you. (_Aside_: And also if I didn't want to +get out of this as quick as I can; for I'm sure there is some row going +on.) As it is, I will add no words to my sentence. (_Aside_: I wish I +were _off_, but let's give it him hot and heavy!) I sentence you to six +years' penal servitude and to pay a fine of 100 pounds. + +_J. F_. Well, its pretty much what I expected of _you_. As to the 100 +pounds, don't you wish you may get it; and as to the six years-- + +[_Great noise_; "_Marseillaise_" _sung quite close_; _hammering on the +doors_. + +_J. F_. Hark! what's that? + +_J. N_. (_in a quavering voice_). Remove the prisoner! + +[_Enter a_ SOCIALIST ensign _with a red flag in his hand_. + +_S. E_. Remove the prisoner! Yes, that's just what I've come to do, my +lord. The Tables are Turned now! + +_J. N_. (_rising and prepared to go_). Arrest that man! + +_S. E_. Yes, do--if you can. + +_J. F_. What does it all mean, Bill? + +_S. E_. The very beginning of it, Jack. It seems we have not been +sanguine enough. The Revolution we were all looking forward to had been +going on all along, and now the last act has begun. The reactionists are +fighting, and pretty badly too, for the soldiers are beginning to +remember that they too belong to the "lower classes"--the lower +classes--hurrah! You must come along at once, Freeman; we shall want you +in our quarter. Don't waste another minute with these fools. + +_J. N_. (_screaming_). Help, help! Murder, murder! + +_S. E_. Murder!--murder a louse! Who's hurting you, old gentleman? +Don't make such a noise. We'll try and make some use of you when we have +time, but we must bustle now. Come on, Jack. Stop a bit, though; +where's the Clerk of the Court? Oh, there! Clerk, we shall want this +Court-house almost directly to use for a free market for this district. +There have been too many people starving and half-starving this long +time; and the first thing that we've got to see to is that every one has +enough to eat, drink, and wear, and a proper roof over his head. + +_J. N_. Murder! thieves! fire! + +_S. E_. There, there! Don't make such a row, old fellow! Get out of +this, and bellow in the fields with the horned cattle, if you must +bellow. Perhaps they'll want Courts of Justice now, as we don't. And as +for you, good fellows, all give a cheer for the Social Revolution which +has Turned the Tables; and so--to work--to work! + +[JUDGE _screams and faints, and Curtain falls_. + + + + +PART II. + + +SCENE.--_The Fields near a Country Village; a Copse close by. Time--After +the Revolution_. + +[_Enter_ CITIZEN (_late_ JUSTICE) NUPKINS. _He looks cautiously about to +right and left, then sits down on the ground_.] + +_C. N_. Now I think I may safely take a little rest: all is quiet here. +Yet there are houses in the distance, and wherever there are houses now, +there are enemies of law and order. Well, at least, here is a good thick +copse for me to hide in in case anybody comes. What am I to do? I shall +be hunted down at last. It's true that those last people gave me a good +belly-full, and asked me no questions; but they looked at me very hard. +One of these times they will bring me before a magistrate, and then it +will be all over with me. I shall be charged as a rogue and a vagabond, +and made to give an account of myself; and then they will find out who I +am, and then I shall be hanged--I shall be hanged--I, Justice Nupkins! +Ah, the happy days when _I_ used to sentence people to be hanged! How +easy life was then, and now how hard! [_Hides his face in his hands and +weeps_. + +[_Enter_ MARY PINCH, _prettily dressed_.] + +_M. P_. How pleasant it is this morning! These hot late summer +mornings, when the first pears are ripening, and the wheat is nearly +ready for cutting, and the river is low and weedy, remind me most of the +times when I was a little freckle-faced child, when I was happy in spite +of everything, though it was hard lines enough sometimes. Well, well, I +can think of those times with pleasure now; it's like living the best of +the early days over again, now we are so happy, and the children like to +grow up straight and comely, and not having their poor little faces all +creased into anxious lines. Yes, I am my old self come to life again; +it's all like a pretty picture of the past days. They were brave men. +and good fellows who helped to bring it about: I feel almost like saying +my prayers to them. And yet there were people--yes, and poor people +too--who couldn't bear the idea of it. I wonder what they think of it +now. I wish, sometimes, I could make people understand how I felt when +they came to me in prison, where all things were so miserable that, +heaven be praised! I can't remember its misery now, and they brought +Robert to me, and he hugged me and kissed me, and said, when he stood +away from me a little, "Come, Mary, we are going home, and we're going to +be happy; for the rich people are gone, and there's no more starving or +stealing." And I didn't know what he meant, but I saw such a look in his +eyes and in the eyes of those who were with him, that my feet seemed +scarcely on the ground; as if I were going to fly. And how tired out I +was with happiness before the day was done! Just to think that my last- +born child will not know what to be poor meant; and nobody will ever be +able to make him understand it. [NUPKINS _groans_.] Hilloa! What's the +matter? Why, there's a man ill or in trouble; an oldish man, too. Poor +old fellow! Citizen, what's the matter? How can I help you? + +_C. N_. (_jumping up with a howl_). Ah, they are upon me! That dreadful +word "citizen"! (_Looks at_ M. P. _and staggers back_). Oh, Lord! is +it? Yes, it _is_--the woman that I sentenced on that horrible morning, +the last morning I adorned the judicial bench. + +_M. P_. What _is_ the matter? And how badly you're dressed; and you +seem afraid. What _can_ you be afraid of? If I am not afraid of the +cows, I am sure you needn't be--with your great thick stick, too. (_She +looks at him and laughs, and says aside_, Why to be sure, if it isn't +that silly, spiteful old man that sentenced me on the last of the bad +days before we all got so happy together!) (_To_ N.) Why, Mr. +Nupkins--citizen--I remember you; you are an old acquaintance: I'll go +and call my husband. + +_C. N_. Oh, no! no! don't! _please_ don't!--(_Aside_: There, there, I'm +done for--can I run away?--No use--perhaps I might soften her. I used to +be called eloquent--by the penny-a-liners. I've made a jury cry--I +think--let me try it. Gentlemen of the Jury, remember the sad change in +my client's position! remember.--Oh, I'm going mad, I think--she +remembers me) (_Kneels before her_) Oh, woman, woman, spare me! Let me +crawl into the copse and die quietly there! + +_M. P_. Spare you, citizen? Well, I could have spared you once, well +enough, and so could many another poor devil have done. But as to dying +in the copse, no, I really can't let you do that. You must come home to +our house, and we'll see what can be done with you. It's our old house, +but really nice enough, now; all that pretty picture of plenty that I +told you about on that day when you were so hard upon me has come to +pass, and more. + +_C. N_. Oh, no! I can't come! + +_M. P_. Oh, yes; you can get as far as that, and we'll give you +something to eat and drink, and then you'll be stronger. It will really +please me, if you'll come; I'm like a child with a new toy, these days, +and want to show new-comers all that's going on. Come along, and I'll +show you the pretty new hall they are building for our parish; it's such +a pleasure to stand and watch the lads at work there, as merry as grigs. +Hark! you may hear their trowels clinking from here. And, Mr. Nupkins, +you mustn't think I stole those loaves; I really didn't. + +_C. N_. Oh, dear me! Oh, dear me! She wants to get me away and murder +me! I won't go. + +_M. P_. How _can_ you talk such nonsense? Why, on earth, should I +murder you? + +_C. N_. (_sobbing_). Judicially, judicially! + +_M. P_. How silly you are! I really don't know what you mean. Well, if +you won't come with me, I'm off; but you know where to go when you want +your dinner. But if you still owe me a grudge, which would be very silly +of you, any of the people in the houses yonder will give you your food. +[_Exit_. + +_C. N_. There! She's going to fetch some ferocious revolutionaries to +make an end of me. It's no use trying to stop her now. I will flee in +another direction; perhaps I shan't always meet people I've sentenced. + +[_As he is going he runs up against_ WILLIAM JOYCE, _once_ SOCIALIST +ENSIGN, _entering from the other side_. + +_William Joyce_. Hilloa, citizen! look out! (_looking at him_) But I +say, what's the matter with you? You are queerly rigged. Why, I haven't +seen a man in such a condition for many a long day. You're like an +ancient ruin, a dream of past times. No, really I don't mean to hurt +your feelings. Can I do anything to help you? + +[C. N. _covers his face with his hands and moans_. + +_W. J_. Hilloa! Why, I'm blessed if it isn't the old bird who was on +the bench that morning, sentencing comrade Jack! What's _he_ been doing, +I wonder? I say, don't you remember me, citizen? I'm the character who +came in with the red flag that morning when you were playing the last of +your queer games up yonder. Cheer up, man! we'll find something for you +to do, though you have been so badly educated. + +_C. N_. Spare me, I entreat you! Don't let it be known who I am, pray +don't, or I shall certainly be hanged. Don't hang me; give me hard +labour for life, but don't hang me! Yes, I confess I was Judge Nupkins; +but don't give me up! I'll be your servant, your slave all my life; only +don't bring me before a magistrate. They are so unfair, and so hard! + +_W. J_. Well, what do you think of a judge, old fellow? + +_C. N_. That's nearly as bad, but not quite; because sometimes there's a +cantankerous blackguard on the jury who won't convict, and insists on +letting a man off. But, please, pray think better of it, and let it be a +private matter, if you must needs punish me. I won't bring an action +against you, whatever you do. Don't make it a judicial matter! Look +here, I'll sign a bond to be your servant for ever without wages if you +will but feed me. I suffer so from not having my meals regularly. If +you only knew how bad it is to be hungry and not to be sure of getting a +meal. + +_W. J_. Yes, Nupkins; but you see, I _do_ know only too well--but that's +all gone by. Yet, if you had only known that some time ago, or let's +say, guessed at it, it might have been the better for you now. + +_C. N_. (_aside_; Oh, how jeering and hard he looks!) Oh, spare me, and +don't send me to the workhouse! You've no idea how they bully people +there. I didn't mean to be a bad or hard man; I didn't indeed. + +_W. J_. Well, I must say if you meant to be anything else, you botched +the job! But I suppose, in fact, you didn't mean anything at all.--So +much the worse for you. (_Aside_: I must do a little cat and mouse with +him). + +_C. N_. Oh, spare me, spare me! I'll work so hard for you. Keep it +dark as to who I am. It will be such an advantage you're having me all +to yourself. + +_W. J_. Would it, indeed? Well, I doubt that. + +_C. N_. Oh, I think so. I really am a good lawyer. + +_W. J_. H'm, that would be rather less useful than a dead jackass--unless +one came to the conclusion of making cat's meat of you. + +_C. N_. (_aside_, Oh, I'm sick at heart at his hinted threats). Mr. +Socialist, don't you see I could put you up to all sorts of dodges by +which you could get hold of odds and ends of property--as I suppose you +have some sort of property still--and the titles of the land must be very +shaky just after a revolution? I tell you I could put you up to things +which would make you a person of great importance; as good as what a lord +used to be. + +_W. J_. (_aside_, Oh, you old blackguard! What's bred in the bone won't +come out of the flesh. I really must frighten the old coward a little; +besides, the council _has_ got to settle what's to be done with him, or +the old idiot will put us to shame by dying on our hands of fright and +stupidity.) (_To_ N.) Nupkins, I really don't know what to do with you +as a slave; I'm afraid that you would corrupt the morals of my children; +that you would set them quarrelling and tell them lies. There's nothing +for it but you must come before the Council of our Commune: they'll meet +presently under yonder tree this fine day. + +_C. N_. No, no, don't! Pray let me go and drag out the remainder of a +miserable existence without being brought before a magistrate and sent to +prison! You don't know what a dreadful thing it is. + +_W. J_. You're wrong again, Nupkins. I know all about it. The stupid +red tape that hinders the Court from getting at the truth; the +impossibility of making your stupid judge understand the real state of +the case, because he is not thinking of you and your life as a man, but +of a set of rules drawn up to allow men to make money of other people's +misfortunes; and then to prison with you; and your miserable helplessness +in the narrow cell, and the feeling as if you must be stifled; and not +even a pencil to write with, or knife to whittle with, or even a pocket +to put anything in. I don't say anything about the starvation diet, +because other people besides prisoners were starved or half-starved. Oh, +Nupkins, Nupkins! it's a pity you couldn't have thought of all this +before. + +_C. N_. (_aside_: Oh, what terrible revenge is he devising for me?) (_to_ +W. J.) Sir, sir, let me slip away before the Court meets. (_Aside_: A +pretty Court, out in the open-air! Much they'll know about law!) + +_W. J_. Citizen Nupkins, don't you stir from here! You'll see another +old acquaintance presently--Jack Freeman, whom you were sending off to +six years of it when the red flag came in that day.--And in good time +here he is. + +[_Enter_ JACK FREEMAN, _sauntering in dressed in a blouse, smoking, a +billycock on his head, and his hands in his pockets_. + +_W. J_. There's your judge, Citizen Nupkins! No, Jack, you needn't take +your hands out of your pockets to shake hands with me; I know your ways +and your manners. But look here! (_pointing to_ NUPKINS). + +_J. F_. Why, what next? There's no mistaking him, it's my old +acquaintance Mr. Justice Nupkins. Why you seem down on your luck, +neighbour. What can I do to help you? + +[NUPKINS _moans_. + +_W. J_. (_winking at_ FREEMAN). You've got to try him, Jack. + +_J. F_. Why, what has he been doing? (_Aside_, I say, old fellow, what +game are you up to now?) + +_W. J_. Doing? why nothing. That's just it; something must be done with +him. He must come before the council: but I'm afraid he's not of much +use to anyone. (_Aside_, I say, Jack, he is a mere jelly of fear: thinks +that we are going to kill him and eat him, I believe. I must carry it on +a little longer; don't spoil all my fun.) + +_J. F_. (_Aside_, _to_ W. J.) Well, certainly he deserves it, but take +care that he doesn't die of fear on your hands, Bill. (_Aloud_) Well, +the council will meet in a minute or two, and then we will take his case. + +_C. N_. (_to_ J. F.) Oh, sir, sir, spare me and don't judge me! I'll be +servant to you all my life! + +_W. J_. Why Nupkins, what's this? You promised to be a servant to _me_! + +_J. F_. Citizen Nupkins, I really must say thank-you for nothing. What +the deuce could I do with a servant? Now don't you trouble yourself; the +council will see to your affairs. And in good time here come the +neighbours. + +[_Enter the Neighbours_, ROBERT PINCH, MART PINCH, _and others_. + +_W. J_. Now for it, Nupkins! Bear your own troubles as well as you used +to bear other peoples', and then you'll do very well. + +JACK FREEMAN _takes his seat on the ground under the tree, the others +standing and sitting about him_: WILLIAM JOYCE _makes a show of guarding_ +NUPKINS, _at which the neighbours look rather astonished; but he nods and +winks to them, and they see there is some joke toward and say nothing_. + +_J. F_. Well, neighbours, what's the business to-day? + +_1st Neighbour_. I have to report that three loads of that oak for the +hall-roof have come to hand; it's well-seasoned good timber, so there +need be no hitch in the building now. + +_2nd Neighbour_. Well, chairman, we sent off the wool to the +north-country communes last week, and they are quite satisfied with it. +Their cloth has come to hand rather better than worse than the old +sample. + +_3rd Neighbour_. I have to report that the new wheel at the silk mill is +going now, and makes a very great improvement. It gives us quite enough +power even when the water is small; so we shan't want a steam-engine +after all. + +_J. F_. When do we begin wheat harvest? + +_3rd Neighbour_. Next Thursday in the ten-acre; the crop is heavy and +the weather looks quite settled; so we shall have a jolly time of it. + +_J. F_. Well, I'm glad I know in good time; for I never like to miss +seeing the first row of reapers going into the corn. Is there anything +else? + +_W. J_. Well, there's one troublesome business, chairman (_looks_ _at_ +C. N., _who trembles and moans_). There's that dog we caught, that +thief, that useless beast. What is to be done with him? + +_C. N_. (_Aside_, That's me! that's me! To think that a justice should +be spoken of in such language! What am I to do? What am I to do?) + +_2nd Neighbour_. Well, chairman, I think we must shoot him. Once a +thief always a thief, you see, with that kind of brute. I'm sorry, +because he has been so badly brought up; and though he is an ugly dog, he +is big and burly; but I must say that I think it must be done, and as +soon as possible. He'll be after the girls if we don't do it at once! + +_C. N_. (_Aside_: What! have they got hold of that story, then?) + +_J. F_. Well, neighbours, what's to be said? anybody against it? Is +this unpleasant business agreed to? + +_All_. Agreed, agreed. + +_J. F_. Well, then, let the dog be shot. Bill, it's your turn for an +ugly job this time: you must do it. + +_W. J_. Well, if it must be, it must. I'll go and get a gun in a +minute. + +_C. N_. Oh, God! to think of their disposing of a fellow-man's life with +so little ceremony! And probably they will go and eat their dinners +afterwards and think nothing of it. (_Throwing himself on his knees +before_ JACK FREEMAN.) Oh, your Socialist worship! Oh, citizen my lord! +spare me, spare me! Send me to prison, load me with chains, but spare my +life! + +_J. F_. Why, what ails the man? Chains! we don't use chains for that +sort of thing. They're good to fasten up boats with, and for carts, and +such like; so why should we waste them by ornamenting you with them? And +as to prison, we can't send you to prison, because we haven't got one. +How could we have one? who would be the jailer? No, no; we can't be +bothered with you in prison. You must learn to behave decently. + +_C. N_. What! have you no punishment but death, then? O! what am I to +do? what am I to do? + +_1st Neighbour_. Do? Why, behave decently. + +_C. N_. But how can I behave decently when I'm dead? (_Moans_.) + +_2nd Neighbour_. But, neighbour, you must die some time or another, you +know. Make the most of your time while you are alive. + +_C. N_. Have you the heart to say such things to a man whom you are +going to shoot in a few minutes? How horrible! Oh, look here! if you +haven't got a prison, build one for me! or make one out of a cellar, and +lock me up in it; but don't shoot me--don't! + +_W. J_. Well, old acquaintance, to want a prison all to your own cheek! +This is individualism, with a vengeance! It beats Auberon Herbert. But +who is going to shoot you? + +_C. N_. Why, you. He said shoot the dog (_weeping_). + +_W. J_. Well, citizen, I must say that either your estimate of yourself +is modest, or your conscience is bad, that you must take that title to +yourself! No; it _is_ a bad business, but not so bad as that. It's not +you that we're going to shoot, but a poor devil of a dog--a real dog, +with a tail, you know--who has taken to killing sheep. And I'm sorry to +say that social ethics have given me the job of shooting him. But come, +now, you shall do it for me: you used to be a great upholder of capital +punishment. + +_C. N_. But what are you going to do with me, then? How are you going +to punish me? + +_J. F_. Punish you? how can we punish you? who do you think is going to +do such work as that! People punish others because they like to; and we +don't like to. Once more, learn to live decently. + +_G. N_. But how _am_ I to live? + +_J. F_. You must work a little. + +_C. N_. But what at, since you object to lawyers? + +_J. F_. Look round you, friend, at the fields all yellowing for +harvest,--we will find you work to do. + +_C. N_. (_Aside_: Ah, I see. This means hard labour for life, after all. +Well, I must submit. Unhappy Nupkins! _To_ FREEMAN) But who is to +employ me? You will have to find me a master; and perhaps he won't like +to employ me. + +_J. F_. My friend, we no more have masters than we have prisons: the +first make the second. You must employ yourself: and you must also +employ something else. + +_C. N_. What? I don't understand. + +_J. F_. Mother Earth, and the traditions and devices of all the +generations of men whom she has nourished. All that is for you, Nupkins, +if you only knew it. + +_C. N_. I still do not comprehend your apologue. + +_J. F_. No? Well, we must put aside abstractions and get to the +concrete. What's this, citizen? (_showing a spade_.) + +_C. N_. That is an instrument for effodiation. + +_J. F_. Otherwise called a spade. Well, to use your old jargon, +citizen, the sentence of this court is that you do take this instrument +of effodiation, commonly called a spade, and that you do effodiate your +livelihood therewith; in other words, that you do dig potatoes and other +roots and worts during the pleasure of this court. And, to drop jargon, +since you are so badly educated our friend Robert Pinch--Mary's +husband--will show you how to do it. Is that agreed to, neighbours? + +_All_. Agreed, agreed. + +_W. J_. (_rather surlily_). I don't think he will get on well. Now he +knows we are not going to serve him out, he is beginning to look sour on +us for being happy. You see, he will be trying some of his old lawyers' +tricks again. + +_J. F_. Well, Bill, it won't much matter. He can't hurt us; so we will +hope the best for him. + +_M. P_. Should we hurt his feelings by being a little merry in his +presence now? + +_J. F_. Well, I think we may risk it. Let those of you who are not too +lazy to dance, as I am, do so to the tune that sprang up at the dawn of +freedom in the days of our great-grandfathers. + +[_They dance round_ CITIZEN NUPKINS, _singing the following words to the +tune of the_ "_Carmagnole_": + + _What's this that the days and the days have done_? + _Man's lordship over man hath gone_. + + _How fares it, then, with high and low_? + _Equal on earth, they thrive and grow_. + + _Bright is the sun for everyone_; + _Dance we, dance we the Carmagnole_. + + _How deal ye, then, with pleasure and pain_? + _Alike we share and bear the twain_. + + _And what's the craft whereby ye live_? + _Earth and man's work to all men give_. + + _How crown ye excellence of worth_? + _With leave to serve all men on earth_. + + _What gain that lordship's past and done_? + _World's wealth for all and every one_. + +[FREEMAN _and_ NUPKINS _come to the front_. + +* * * * * + +_J. F_. Well, Nupkins, you see you have got the better of us damned +Socialists after all. For in times past you used to bully us and send us +to prison and hang us, and we had to put up with it; and now you and +yours are no longer masters, there _are_ no masters, and there is nobody +to bully you. How do you like it, old fellow? (_clapping him on the +shoulder_.) + +_C. N_. (_bursting into tears_). A world without lawyers!--oh, dear! oh, +dear! To think that I should have to dig potatoes and see everybody +happy! + +_J. F_. Well, Nupkins, you must bear it. And for my part, I can't be +very sorry that you feel it so keenly. When scoundrels lament that they +can no longer be scoundrels for lack of opportunity, it is certain that +THE TABLES ARE TURNED. + +THE END. + +Printed and Published at the COMMONWEAL Office, 13 Farrington Road, +London, E.C. + + + + +WORKS BY WILLIAM MORRIS. + + +_Library Edition_, 4 _vols, cr. 8vo_, 2 pounds. + +THE EARTHLY PARADISE: A Poem in four parts. + +_The Vols. separately as below_. + +Vols I. and II., SPRING and SUMMER, _ninth edition_, 16_s_. +Vo III., AUTUMN, _seventh edition_ . . .12_s_. +Vol. IV., WINTER, _seventh edition_ . . .12_s_. + +_Popular Edition of_ +THE EARTHLY PARADISE, in 10 parts, sm. post 8vo, at 2_s_. 6_d_. _each_. + +do. do. in 5 vols, at 5s. _each_. + +_Second Edition_, _crown_ 8_vo_, 382 _pp_., 14_s_. +THE AENEIDS OF VIRGIL. Done into English Verse. + +_Third Edition_, _crown_ 8_vo_, 217 _pp_., 4_s_ 6_d_. +HOPES AND FEARS FOR ART. 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Published for the +purpose of counteracting the evil influence of the corrupt capitalist +press by printing the truth, and placing before the working people food +for thought and reflection upon their Industrial, social, and political +conditions, to the end that they may emancipate themselves from +wage-slavery and landlordism. + +* * * * * + +_Price One Penny_. + +THE MANIFESTO OF THE SOCIALIST LEAGUE. + +With Explanatory Notes by WILLIAM MORRIS and E. B. BAX. + +* * * * * + +"ALL FOR THE CAUSE!" + +A Song for Socialists. + +WORDS BY WILLIAM MORRIS. MUSIC BY E. BELFORT BAX. + +_4 pp. 4to, 6d. Per dozen, 4s. 6d_. + +* * * * * + +Art and Socialism. By WILLIAM MORRIS. Price 3d. + +Chants for Socialists. By WILLIAM MORRIS.--1. The Day is Coming; 2. The +Voice of Toll; 3. All for the Cause; 4. No Master; 5. The March of the +Workers; 6. The Message of the March Wind; 7. Down Among the Dead Men. +16 pp. cr. 8vo., 1d. + +Organised Labour: The Duty of the Trades Unions in Relation to Socialism. +By THOMAS BINNING (London Society of Compositors). 1d. + +Trades Unions. By ERNEST BELFORT BAX. 1d. + +The Commune of Paris. By E. B. BAX, VICTOR DAVE, and WILLIAM MORRIS. 2d. + +Useful Work _v_. Useless Toil. 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