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diff --git a/16707.txt b/16707.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dea8251 --- /dev/null +++ b/16707.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2275 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +August 18th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 17, 2005 [EBook #16707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +August 18th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA + +The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the newly-rich +has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital. + +* * * + +"A few hours in Cork," says a _Daily Mail_ correspondent, "will convince +anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be explained, is +one in which the civilians are at war but the military are not. + +* * * + +Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day +nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to goad +the military forces in Ireland to reprisals. + +* * * + +"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know +somebody who butted in later. + +* * * + +"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It will be +noticed that they are very still. + +* * * + +"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that it +would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and ten +seconds to count one day's circulation of _The Daily Mail_." Holiday-makers +waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try it. + +* * * + +Coloured grocery sugars, the FOOD CONTROLLER announces, are to be freed +from control on September 6th. A coloured grocery is one in which the +grocer is not as black as he is painted. + +* * * + +A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the +question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable sign +is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world residence." + +* * * + +The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an +unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence of +any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will +probably be granted. + +* * * + +"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the Willesden +Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The man may be a +model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted we should want +to know what he does with that fourpence. + +* * * + +Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans for +eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than three +families will be allowed to live in one van. + +* * * + +"Three times in four days," says a _Daily Express_ report, "a Parisian has +thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports point out that all +is now quiet, as the fellow has found his collar-stud. + +* * * + +"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a +better plan would be to get Sir ERIC GEDDES to give it to you. + +* * * + +A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to wage war +without the enemy complaining of headache. + +* * * + +"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so that +they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice to +know that should an article not come back again you will be able to assure +yourself that it was yours. + +* * * + +At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large numbers. +It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still sold in +lengths. + +* * * + +A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car to-day. It +is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the rising cost of +pedestrian. + +* * * + +The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway buffet, +discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves tried to +break into a railway sandwich. + +* * * + +Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It is +feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of running +out. + +* * * + +"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six," says a +news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her parents' +consent. + +* * * + +"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even threepence it +contains three times the number of currants," announces an evening paper. +This should mean three currants in each bun. + +* * * + +A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire last +week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all children under +fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept indoors, whilst local +golfers have been sent out to act as decoys. + +* * * + +It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be +christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet +been broken to the unfortunate infant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Exasperated Partner._ "LOOK HERE--DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR +SERVICE INTO THE RIGHT COURT?" + +_Partner._ "NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T. BUT IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY +UNPLAYABLE IF I DID."] + + * * * * * + +THE RESULT OF A LEAP-YEAR. + + "Bishop ---- says he will not be able to consider any more proposals + for engagements till after the summer of 1921."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +AN ECHO FROM BISLEY.--A musical correspondent writes to point out that +sol-faists have an unfair advantage in the running-deer competition, +because they are always practising with a "movable Doh." + + * * * * * + +FROM SPA AND SHORE. + +GROGTOWN.--All available accommodation has been monopolised by Glasborough +visitors, among whom this resort is becoming more alarmingly popular every +year. Sixty charabancs arrived on Monday and the Riot Act was read several +times before the passengers could be induced to desist from their badinage +of the residents, most of whom have since retired behind the wire- +entanglements at Kelrose. The municipal orchestra was subjected to a brisk +fusillade of rock-cakes on Saturday night; the conductor and several of the +instrumentalists suffered contusions, and their performances have since +been discontinued. This has not unnaturally given rise to a certain amount +of dissatisfaction amongst the visitors, but otherwise there has been no +recrudescence of rioting. A company of the Caithness Highlanders, with +machine-guns, are now encamped on the links, and sunshine is all that is +needed to complete the success of the season. + +KEGNESS.--On Tuesday the Mayor presented a jar of whisky, fifty years old, +to the winning charabanc team in the bottle-throwing competition, and the +subsequent scenes afforded much diversion. A notable feature at present is +a large whale, which was washed ashore in a gale about six months ago. The +oldest inhabitants declare that they have never known anything like it, and +it is certainly an unforgettable experience to be anywhere within a mile of +this apparently immovable derelict. Excursions to all surrounding places +out of nose-shot are extremely popular, and the beach is practically +deserted save by a few juvenile natives engaged in the blubber industry. + +MUDHALL SPA.--Without the least reflection on chalybeates and the rest, it +must be allowed that the most popular beverage in Mudhall at present is +that which draws its virtue from a cereal and not a mineral source. +Hilarity is rife at all hours, and the effort to enlist a body of local +volunteers to control the exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian "charabankers" is +meeting with unexpected support. The casualties in the daily collisions +between the Hydropathic League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot-Guards are steadily +increasing and now compare favourably with those of any other Midland +health-resort. + + * * * * * + + "A Boylston (Massachusetts) farm labourer is said to havt bees + identified as one of the heirs to a L400,000 estate at Dundte, for whom + starches have betn made for years, but nothing is known at Dundee of + such an estate."--_Daily Paper._ + +But this lucid paragraph should help to clear up the mystery. + + * * * * * + +AMONG THE PEDESTALS. + +The rumour that a number of London's statues are to be moved to make room +for new has caused many a marble heart to beat faster; and on making a +round of calls I gathered that Sir ALFRED MOND has few friends in stone or +bronze circles. Not the least uneasy is George IV. in Trafalgar Square. +Uneasiness of body he has always known, riding there for ever without any +stirrups; but now his mind is uneasy too. "If they take Father from +Cockspur Street," he argued very naturally, "why not me?" + +A few of the figures feel secure, of course, but very few. Nelson on his +column has no fears; Nurse Cavell is too recent to tremble; so is Abraham +Lincoln. But the others? They are in a state of nervous suspense, wondering +if the sentence of banishment is to fall and resenting any disturbance of +their lives. "_J'y suis, j'y reste_" is their motto. + +Abraham Lincoln gave me a hearty welcome and extended an invitation that is +not within the power of any other graven image in the city. "Take a chair," +he said. + +I did so and am thus, I suppose, the first Londoner to put that comfortable +piece of furniture to its proper use. + +"How do you like being here?" I asked. + +He said that he enjoyed it. The only blot on his pleasure was the fear that +the Abbey might fall on him, and he therefore hoped that _The Times'_ fund +was progressing by leaps and bounds. + +His immediate neighbours, on the contrary, exhibited no serenity whatever, +and I found Canning and Palmerston shivering with apprehension in their +frockcoats. The worst of it was that I could say nothing to reassure them. + +Here and there, however, a desire for locomotion was expressed. Dr. +Johnson, in the enclosure behind St. Clement Danes, is very restive. I +asked him if he would object to removal. "Sir," said the Little +Lexicographer (as his sculptor has made him), "I should derive satisfaction +from it. A man cannot be considered as enviable who spends all his time in +the contemplation, from an unvacatable position, of a street to the +perambulation of which he devoted many of his happiest hours." + +I ventured to agree. + +"Nor," continued the sage, "is it a source of contentment to a man of +integrity to observe an unceasing procession of Americans on their way to +partake of pudding in a hostelry that has made its name and prosperity out +of a mythical association with himself and be unable to correct the error." + +"Are you in general in favour of statuary?" I made bold to ask. + +"Painting," said he, "consumes labour not disproportionate to its effect; +but a fellow will hack half a year at a block of marble to make something +in stone that hardly resembles a man. Look around you; look at me. The +value of statuary is owing to its difficulty. You would not value the +finest head cut upon a carrot." + +But one effect of this General Post among the statues is good, and it +should delight Mr. ASQUITH. Cromwell, now outside Westminster Hall, is to +be moved into the House. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + + MARIGOLDS. + + As MARY was a-walking + All on a summer day, + The flowers all stood curtseying + And bowing in her way; + The blushing poppies hung their heads + And whispered MARY'S name, + And all the wood anemones + Hung down their heads in shame. + + The violet hid behind her leaves + And veiled her timid face, + And all the flowers bowed a-down, + For holy was the place. + Only a little common flower + Looked boldly up and smiled + To see the happy mother come + A-carrying her Child. + + The little Child He laughed aloud + To see the smiling flower, + And as He laughed the Marigold + Turned gold in that same hour. + For she was gay and innocent-- + He loved to see her so-- + And from the splendour of His face + She caught a golden glow. + + * * * * * + +AN OPTIMIST. + + "I have just completed a fortnight's tour on a tandem, and can + recommend this form of a holiday as the best I know of.... One Sunday + in June, without exaggeration, I was nearly killed twice, and my wife + was overcome with fright."--_C.T.C. Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, three children caught 182 green + wasps."--_Daily Paper._ + +It is believed that they would not have been caught if they had not been +green. + + * * * * * + +From a recent Admiralty Order:-- + + "Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C. Officers and + men (Royal Marines) during the current year, for walking out purposes + only." + +It is believed that His Majesty's Jollies have received the order without +enthusiasm, on the ground that no mention is made of anything being inside +the frocks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ICONOCLAST. + +SIR ALFRED MOND. "I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DISTURB YOUR MAJESTY, BUT, OWING TO +THE SHORTAGE OF SITES--" + +GEORGE III. "SHORTAGE OF SIGHTS, INDEED!" + +[It is understood that a number of London statues, including that of George +III. in Cockspur Street, are to be removed by the Office of Works to make +room for new ones.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Heavy Father._ "PUT YOUR 'AT ON THIS MINUTE, SIR. DO YOU +WANT TO CATCH YOUR DEATHERCOLD?"] + + * * * * * + +THE VISIONARY. + + 'Twas last week at Pebble Bay + That I saw the little goat, + Harnessed to a little shay. + Old was he and poor in coat, + And he lugged his load along + Where the barefoot children throng + Round the nigger minstrels' song. + + But his eye, aloof and chill, + Said to me as plain as plain, + "I am waiting, waiting still, + Till the gods come back again; + Starved and ugly, mean, unkempt, + I have dreams by you undreamt, + And--I hold you in contempt! + + "Dreams of forest routs that trooped, + Shadowy maidens crowned with vines, + Dreams where Dian's self has stooped + Darkling 'neath the scented pines; + Or where he, old father Pan, + Took the hooves of me and ran + Fluting through the heart of man. + + "Surely he must come again, + He the great, the horned one? + Shan't I caper in his train + Through the hours of feast and fun!" + And he looked with eyes of jade + Through the sunshine, through the shade, + Far beyond Marine Parade. + + * * * * * + + Should you go to Pebble Bay, + Golfing or to bathe and boat-- + Should you see a loaded shay, + In the shafts a scarecrow goat, + Tell him that you hope (with me) + Pan will shortly set him free, + Pipe him home to Arcady. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET NOTES. + +Mr. P.F. WARNER has received countless expressions of regret on his +retirement from first-class cricket. Among these he values not least a +"round robin" from the sparrows at Lord's, all of whom he knows by name. In +the score-book of Fate is this entry in letters of gold: + + "Plum" _c_ Anno _b_ Domini 47. + +Long may he live to enjoy the cricket of others! + + * * * * * + +The test team of Australia being now complete, all correspondence on the +subject of its exclusions must cease. We therefore do not print a number of +letters asking why there is no one named Geddes on the side. + + * * * * * + +Mr. FENDER and HOBBS are said to be actuated by the same motto, "For Hearth +and Home." Both are pledged to return covered with "the ashes." + + * * * * * + +In the recent Surrey and Middlesex match Mr. SKEET bewildered the crowd by +fielding as if he liked it. Hitherto this vulgar manifestation has been +confined to HITCH and HENDREN. + + * * * * * + +Although so late in the season Yorkshire has great hopes of a colt named +HIRST, who has just joined the side. He was seen bowling at Eton and was +secured at once. + + * * * * * + +There is a strong feeling in Worcestershire that a single-wicket match +between LEE of Middlesex and Mr. PERRIN of Essex would be a very saucy +affair. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE UNKNOWN." + +Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, who recently intrigued and perhaps just a little +scandalised the town with a most engagingly flippant and piquant farce all +about an accidentally bigamous beauty, certainly shows courage in launching +so serious a discussion as _The Unknown_. And in the silly season too. I +see that in a quite unlikely interview (but then all modern interviews are +unlikely) he defends his right to discuss religion quite openly on the +stage. Of course. Why should anybody deny that religion is to the normally +constituted mind, whatever its doxy, an absorbingly interesting subject; or +that the War hasn't made a breach in the barriers of British reticence? +Whether to the point of making a perfectly good married Vicar (anxious to +convict a doubting D.S.O. of sin) ask in a full drawing-room containing the +Vicaress, the Doctor and the D.S.O.'s fiancee, mother and father, "For +instance, have you always been perfectly chaste?"--I am not so sure. Nor +whether the War has really added to bereaved _Mrs. Littlewood's_ bitter +"And who is going to forgive God?" any added force. If that kind of +question is to be asked at all it might have been asked, and with perhaps +more justice, at any time within the historical period. For the War might +reasonably be attributed by the Unknown Defendant thus starkly put upon +trial to man's deliberate folly, whereas.... + +No doubt, however, Mr. MAUGHAM would say the shock of war has (like any +other great catastrophe) tested the faith of many who are personally deeply +stricken and found it wanting, while the whisper of doubt has swelled the +more readily as there are many to echo it. So _Major John Wharton, D.S.O., +M.C._, having found war, contrary to his expectation of it as the most +glorious manly sport in the world, a "muddy, mad, stinking, bloody +business," loses the faith of his youth and says so, not with bravado but +with regret. The Vicar, with dignity and restraint, but without much +understanding and not without some hoary _cliches_; his wife, with venom +(suggesting also incidentally sound argument for the celibacy of the +clergy); the old _Colonel_ and his sweet unselfish wife, with affection; +and _Sylvia_, _John's_ betrothed, with a strange passion, defend the old +faith, _Sylvia_ to the point of breaking with her lover and getting her to +a nunnery--a business which will in the end, I should guess, lay a heavier +burden upon the nuns than upon _John_. The indecisive battle sways hither +and thither. It is the _Doctor_ who sums up in a compromise which would +shock the metaphysical theologian, but may suffice for the plain man, "God +is merciful but not omnipotent. In His age-long fight against evil we can +help--or hinder; why not help?" + +The most signal thing was Miss HAIDEE WRIGHT'S personal triumph as _Mrs. +Littlewood_--a very fine interpretation of an interesting character. Mr. +CHARLES V. FRANCE adds another decent Colonel to his military repertory. +This actor always plays with distinction and with an ease of which the art +is so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of his due meed of applause +from the unperceptive. Lady TREE made a beautiful thing of the character of +_Mrs. Wharton_, whose simple unselfishness was the best of all Mr. +MAUGHAM'S arguments for the defence. Mr. R.H. HIGNETT nobly restrained +himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept enough of the +distinctive flavour to excite a passionate anti-clerical behind me into +clamorously derisive laughter; a very good piece of work. Miss O'MALLEY +acted a difficult, almost an impossibly difficult, part with a fine +distinction. Mr. BASIL RATHBONE'S _Major_ and Mr. BLAKISTON'S _Doctor_ were +excellent. I am sorry to be so monotonously approving.... + +I am not convinced that Mr. MAUGHAM'S experiment has succeeded. + +T. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ---- maintained that it was extraordinuary that if he was only + slightly dead deceased did not hear the lorry."--_Local Paper._ + +Most extraordinuary. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Generous Stranger._ "WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT? (_No +answer._) I SAY--WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT?" + +_Hodge._ "DON'T 'EE ASK ZILLY QUESTIONS. ORDER IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY. + +George and I are two ordinary people. He studies the Weather Reports every +day; I do occasionally. He thinks he understands meteorology; I don't. But +lately I felt that I _must_ have some explanation of the weather, so I +asked George to explain it. + +He said, "Certainly; it's quite simple. Take wind. Wind is caused by +differences of _pressure_." + +"What _is_ pressure? Who is pressing what?" + +"Pressure is what the barometer tells you--not the thermometer; you must +keep the thermometer out of this. Suppose it is very hot in London--" + +"Don't be ridiculous." + +"Well, suppose it is very hot at a place A--" + +"I thought we were keeping the thermometer out of this." + +"It comes in indirectly. But don't keep interrupting. If it is very hot at +the place A, the air at A rises. You see?" + +"No." + +"Obviously it does. If you light a candle--" + +"Yes, yes, I do see that. Don't begin about candles." + +"Well, the result of that is that there is less _pressure_ at A. In other +words, there is more room for the air to move about. When that happens the +air at the place B--" + +"Where is that?" + +"Oh anywhere. I told you to think of two places, A and B." + +"No, you told me to think of a place A, and I am still thinking of it, +because it is very hot there." + +"Well, this is another place, where the pressure is simply frightful. When +the air rises at A the air from B rushes over to A to fill up the gap, and +that is what we call wind." + +"I see." + +"No, you don't. It isn't quite so simple as that. Now, the atoms of air +rushing from B to A don't go _straight_ there, but they travel in--in sort +of _circles_." + +"Why do they do that?" + +"Well, the fact is that these atoms are so keen to get over to A, where +there is plenty of room, that they jostle each other, and that makes them +go round and round. If they go round and round _against_ the clock, like +that, they are called cyclones, or depressions, or low-pressure systems. If +they go with the clock, like that, it is an anti-cyclone." + +"Oh!" + +"What do you mean--'Oh'?" + +"What I said; but go on." + +"Now suppose this air--" + +"Which air?" + +"The air from B. Suppose it is travelling in a cyclone--" + +"But isn't a cyclone a low-pressure thingummy?" + +"Yes." + +"And didn't you say that B was a high-pressure place?" + +"Yes." + +"Then how does the air coming from B manage to be low-pressure stuff?" + +"I see what you mean. There _is_ an explanation, but it would take too long +to hazard it now. Suppose the air is coming from B in an anti-cyclone, then +..." + +"All right. I'll suppose that." + +"... it rushes over to A and fills up the gap. There is more pressure at A +and the barometer goes up--" + +"Is it fine then?" + +"No, it rains. You see, the air from B is colder than the air at A was +before the air came from B." + +"I _don't_ see." + +"Well, obviously it _must_ be." + +"How 'obviously'?" + +"Well, the whole thing started with it being very hot at A, you remember, +so that the air rose. If it had been hotter still at B just then the air +would have risen at B instead, and it couldn't have rushed over to A. +There'd have been a frightful muddle." + +"There is." + +"Well, it's your own fault for interrupting. This air, then--" + +"Which air is this?" + +"The air from B. The air from B cools the air at A--" + +"But I thought the air at A had risen." + +"Not all of it. And that makes it rain." + +"Why?" + +"Oh, well, I can't go into that. It's something to do with condensation. +Air absorbs more moisture when it is hot than when it is cold--" + +"So do I. I understand that." + +"When the air cools the water condenses." + +"Is it fine then?" + +"No, it rains, you fool." + +"When is it fine?" + +"Wait a bit. The falling of the rain of course generates heat--" + +"Why 'of course'?" + +"I can't explain _exactly_, but you know perfectly well that it's always +warmer on a cold day after the rain." + +"Yes, but not on a hot day." + +"Yes, it is." + +"No, it isn't." + +"It is, really. Anyhow, this is a cold day." + +"No, it isn't. You said it was very hot at A." + +"I'm not going to argue. You must take it from me that rain generates +heat." + +"All right. Is it fine then?" + +"No. Heat being generated the air rises. The result of that is that there +is less _pressure_ at A--" + +"Is it fine then?" + +"I've explained already what happens then. The air from B--" + +"Do we begin all over again now?" + +"More or less, yes." + +"So that at this place, A, it's always raining or just going to rain?" + +"Yes, if it starts by being hot there, as it did just now, I suppose it +is." + +"What happens if it starts by being cold?" + +"It rains. I've explained that. The cold air can't contain so much +moisture--" + +"Don't begin that again. What about B? Is it any good going there? We had +frightfully high pressure there at one time." + +"Yes, but it rains so much at A that more and more air rushes from B to A +to fill up the gap caused by the air rising on account of the heat +generated by the rain falling, and very soon you get frightfully low +pressure at B--" + +"Is it fine then?" + +"No, it rains." + +"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at B?" + +"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at B." + +"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?" + +"From the place C." + +"Is it fine there?" + +"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A." + +"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it _must_ rain." + +"More or less, yes. More really." + +"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to go?" + +"There is a place, D--" + +"What happens there?" + +"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary depressions." + +"Then where do you advise me to go?" + +"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I have." + +"I think you have. I understand it now." + + * * * * * + +I hope you all do. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + "Sir,--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this-- + + 'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.' + + Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this + very neat and apt definition."--_Letter in Daily Paper._ + +We rather think the printer had a hand in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE AT +COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE, HAS LED +MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF THE +FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF PICTURESQUE +SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guide_ (_after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps_). +"THESE, SIR, ARE THE FAMOUS GARGOYLES I MENTIONED." + +_Perspiring American._ "GEE! I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'GARGLES.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES. + +Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second mechanic at +the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, Puddlesby. It was +when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical Society that his +troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and hard-working a little +man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and weighed in at seven stone +four. But above all he was an expert in rubber tyres; he knew them, I had +almost said, by instinct. + +The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of Souls. As +I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell you about +it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see the connection +between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will have patience I +think I can promise to show you _that_ at least. + +One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S., fell +asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory experience in +a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he knew. He perceived +that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that he was no longer plain +Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of the Artful Arm, and +known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he had just been +challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh fight, and (for the +seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had accepted. He soon added to the +stock of his information the fact that, as the challenged party, he had the +choice of time, place and weapons. + +He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable +warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose hair +he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had ever +killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle Road. He +felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to propose as the +time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as the weapon, +motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as far as +mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, however, +did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a counter- +proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three days' +time. + +Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He got +through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but had +fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the +esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the details +of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir Hugh, merely +adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was customary in +the better-class combats of that day. + +He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably +depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity +compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned +ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands, +coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and +did not fail to be ready in time. + +When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion +reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his faithful +esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide, which covered +the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly in folds all +round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached to the front +of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in the vernacular of +those stout times-- + +"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy vile +bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye blowinge." + +Whereupon the trusty varlet blew. + +Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of +Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-a-pie in +a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather +over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an +object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive +observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir +Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire, had +inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and laced up +like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists with a +feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several days. + +They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero +wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right arm, +and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold also upon +his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that no one in +the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together beneath the +horse's belly. + +If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding +straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the left +side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string which +attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost his +balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily from the +Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the moment when +he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough way on to bring +him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained a vertical +position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and with the +same result. + +Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles might +have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the distinguished +audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth revolution. + +Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every turn, +and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was going very +fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found touch, first +bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons rolled him back +again into the field of play. + +It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during these +proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to catch a +glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first onslaught, and +he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered that the haughty +Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was slogging him round +the lists; in short, was playing polo with him. + +But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he was +not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The Baron, +worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking. + +So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought of +choosing _smooth_ maces. A spike would have punctured the cover in no +time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end. + +His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic! + +Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost swooned +away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube. There was a +perplexed pause.... + +And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles woke +with a shriek. + + * * * * * + +I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium on +transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring to a +previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of the game +required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more bloodthirsty and +pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to prove that little +Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not quite the man for this +sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of dreams. Anyway, shortly after +his painful experience he withdrew his subscription from the Puddlesby +Psychical Society and ceased for ever to assist at their seances. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_by way of shewing sympathy to victim of +demon bowler_). "RUM GAME, CRICKET."] + + * * * * * + + THE OVERLAND ROUTE. + + "MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS. + + Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."--_Scottish Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "James ----, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V and Czecho- + Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt he must + have some amusement."--_Evening Paper._ + +The little Bolshevist! + + * * * * * + +A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a +contemporary:-- + + "In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway + communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and + other northern and western centres." + +Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling. + + * * * * * + +From a feuilleton:-- + + "Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right + round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the + receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she panted."-- + _Daily Paper._ + +And then, we suppose, she wrote to the POSTMASTER-GENERAL to complain of +the inefficiency of the service. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Junior Partner of Firm_ (_exempted on business grounds +during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised +officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three +times_). "YOU SAY YOU WERE THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN FRANCE AND YET DON'T +SPEAK THE LANGUAGE? IT SEEMS TO ME YOU WASTED YOUR TIME ABROAD, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND. + +(_By a Student of Manners._) + +The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of +August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the +renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions; +they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not +renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be +pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered +by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard of +efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one +Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members of +another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, August +and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in +London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be +able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts available +will be greatly enhanced. + +For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the decorators, +is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent experiments +have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and tranquillising influence on +persons of an irritable disposition. A sumptuous dormitory is being erected +on the top floor, where slow music will be discoursed every afternoon, from +three to seven, by a Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid +out for the recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts +has been keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the +basement to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with +a vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American +bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete +books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of DELL, +BARCLAY, WELLS, ZANE GREY and BENNETT. Three interesting rumours about the +future of the Club may be given with due reserve--the first, that in the +near future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord +Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third, +that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of +"Arthur's." + + * * * * * + +From Smith Minor's French Paper: + + "Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui etait tres mechante.'--'The + farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.'" + + * * * * * + + "Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to + Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."--_Daily + Mirror._ + +Another injustice to Scotland. + + * * * * * + + "But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage + bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable + sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of + divorce."--_Scotch Paper._ + +And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROBLEM. + +POLAND (_to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament_). +"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A +QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: GOING TO THE COUNTRY? + +"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the economic +use of charabancs."--_Sir ERIC GEDDES._ + +_First "Banc."_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. BALFOUR, Mr. +CHAMBERLAIN, Mr. CHURCHILL. + +_Second "Banc."_ Sir E. GEDDES, Mr. SHORTT, Mr. LONG, Sir ROBERT HORNE, +Col. AMERY. + +_Third "Banc."_ Mr. ILLINGWORTH, Lord E. TALBOT, Mr. FISHER, Dr. ADDISON, +Sir GORDON HEWART. + +_Fourth "Banc."_ Mr. KELLAWAY, Sir M. BARLOW, Sir L. WORTHINGTON EVANS, Sir +A.G. BOSCAWEN, Mr. TOWYN JONES. + +_Fifth "Banc."_ Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, Mr. BALDWIN, Sir JAMES CRAIG, Mr. +DENIS HENRY, Mr. NEAL. + +_Sixth "Banc."_ Mr. MONTAGU, Dr. MACNAMARA, Mr. MCCURDY, Mr. IAN +MACPHERSON, Sir A. MOND.] + +_Monday, August, 9th._--In an atmosphere of appropriate gloom the House of +Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. Even the LORD +CHANCELLOR could say little more for the measure than that it might +possibly enable some of the persons now in custody to be tried; and most of +the other Peers who spoke seemed to think that it would be either +mischievous or useless. The only confident opinion expressed was that of +the elderly Privy Councillor, who from the steps of the Throne ejaculated, +"If you pass this Bill you may kill England, not Ireland." But despite this +unconventional warning the Peers took the risk. + +The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel WEDGWOOD'S tie. Of +ample dimensions and of an ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and +South-Western Railway porter might envy, it dominated the proceedings +throughout Question-time. Beside it Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER'S pink shirt paled +its ineffectual fires. + +When Viscount CURZON renewed his anti-charabancs campaign and Sir ERIC +GEDDES was doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory +suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red +gleam from Colonel WEDGWOOD'S shirt-front. At once, the old railway +instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the danger-signal and hastily +cramming on his brakes, Sir ERIC observed that it would be "a great +calamity" to prevent the economic use of the charabancs. + +_Tuesday, August 10th._--As Lord Great Chamberlain, and therefore official +custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord LINCOLNSHIRE mentioned with +due solemnity the regrettable incident of the day before. Lord CURZON +thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. CARLISLE) should be allowed to +explain his behaviour, and suggested that he should himself address to him +a suitable letter. Several noble lords--anticipating, no doubt, that, +whatever else came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively +reading--said "Hear, hear." + +A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority--28 to 23--that there +should be no Minister of Mines, but only an Under-Secretary. Lord PEEL now +sought to induce them to change their minds. His principal argument was +that a Minister would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a +Secretary and would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so +conspicuously lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be +true, for they proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23. + +[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER. + +M. KRASSIN CONTEMPLATES THE COMMONS.] + +There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S +statement on Poland. The Duke of YORK was over the Clock, flanked by the +Archbishop of CANTERBURY on one side and Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN (who +sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other. + +Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at +Question-time. Mr. CHURCHILL denied that he had ever suggested an alliance +with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as we are keeping the Watch on +the Rhine with only thirteen thousand men--just three thousand more than it +takes to garrison London--perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered, +no great opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to +describe the disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to +retire before "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his +upper lip. + +For two-thirds of his speech the PRIME MINISTER was the sober statesman, +discussing with due solemnity the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish +crisis. The Poles had been rash and must take the consequences. We should +not help them unless the Bolshevists, not content with punishment, +threatened the extinction of Poland's independence. + +Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he chaffed +the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an +unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even +sacrificed a colleague. LENIN was an aristocrat, TROTSKY a journalist. "In +fact"--turning to Mr. CHURCHILL--"my right honourable friend is an +embodiment of both." + +A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. ASQUITH and Mr. ADAMSON ended +in favour of the EX-PREMIER, who doubted whether the best way to ensure +peace was to attack one of the parties to the dispute, and proceeded to +make things more or less even by vigorously chiding Poland for her +aggression. Mr. CLYNES, while admitting that the Labour Party would have to +reconsider its position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still +maintained that we had not played a straight game from Russia. + +Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, communication +was established between the Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers' +Gallery. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE read the terms offered by the Soviet to the +Poles, and gave them a guarded approval. + +_Wednesday, August 11th._--A Bill to prohibit ready-money betting on +football matches was introduced by Lord GAINFORD (who played for Cambridge +forty years ago) and supported by Lord MEATH, "a most enthusiastic player" +of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading of these +experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord GAINFORD proposed +to rush it through goal straightaway his course was barred by Lord +BIRKENHEAD, an efficient Lord "Keeper." + +A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the late +Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN furnished occasion for the PRIME MINISTER and Mr. +ASQUITH to indulge in generous praise of a political opponent. Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE (with his eye on the Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was +"essentially a Parliamentary country," we did well to honour "a great +Parliamentarian"; and the EX-PREMIER (with his eye on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE) +selected for special note among Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S characteristics that he +had "no blurred edges." + +A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the +startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the policy +announced yesterday by the PRIME MINISTER, to give immediate recognition to +General WRANGEL. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE expressed his "surprise and anxiety" and +could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. To +give time for its removal the House decided to postpone its holiday and +adjourned till Monday. + + * * * * * + +MORE HEADACHES FOR THE HISTORIAN. + +Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished +Strangers' Gallery during the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on Poland last week. +Hence these tears:-- + + "In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with + English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed + intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest, + but often with animated comment."--_Evening Standard_. + + "The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the + Premier's speech." _Evening News_. + + "Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague doesn't + speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned over + and whispered a translation into the other's ear."--_Star_. + + "The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless, + and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but + this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of + the Prime Minister."--_Pall Mall Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY. + +_229th ed., folio, 2 vols._ (_Sour and Taxwell, 85s._). + +All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new +edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be found +on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its +combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of +English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic +as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down," +and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur. + +It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work, and to +say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is invariably +happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on _Real Property_ his +sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of expression do ample justice +to the perennial freshness of his subject. The reader is swiftly carried +from situation to situation and thrill follows thrill with daring rapidity. +The plot is of the simplest, but worked out with surprising skill, while +the events are related with that vivid imagination which the subject +demands. Who is there that does not feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice +with the heir when he comes, upon reversion, into the property from which +he has been so long excluded? Mr. Blewitt treats this incident with a sense +of romance and picturesqueness of language reminiscent of the ballad of +"The Lord of Lynn." In its facts the ballad bears a striking resemblance to +those so graphically described by our author, but in point of execution +lacks the true breath of poetic inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's +book. + +Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not sympathise +with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the fair widow whom +he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate soul is subject +to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's silence on the +disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts which tormented +his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of _Hamlet_. + +It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr. Blewitt +is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in works of this nature to equal the +skilful psychological analysis, the sympathy of treatment and the fidelity +to nature with which the author draws line by line the character of Q. The +description of him as seised in fee simple is a touch of genius. We can +remember nothing in the English language to compare with this unless it be +that brilliant passage in which Mr. Blewitt sketches in a few lightning +strokes the character of Richard Roe, a man at once pugnacious, +overbearing, litigious and utterly regardless of truth and honesty. + +The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of learning +in publishing this new edition. The editing is very creditable to English +scholarship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069, in which the +reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the _Timbuctoo Law +Review_, which, in fairness to the editor (of _Real Property_), is not, of +course, quoted here. The student will, we have no doubt, feel himself fully +recompensed by this new matter for the price of the new volumes and the +depreciation of the 228th edition. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NERVES ON THE GREEN. + +_Irascible Golfer._ "CONFOUND IT! WHAT _IS_ THAT INFERNAL OIL-ENGINE OR +SOMETHING THAT BEGINS THUMPING WHENEVER I AM PUTTING?" + +_Caddie._ "I THINK IT MUST BE T'OTHER GENTLEMAN'S 'EART, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +"NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES. + + Residents in the area between the county town and ---- are now able to + do their shopping at either place with the maximum of inconvenience so + far as travel is concerned."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Just as in London. + + * * * * * + +GISH-JINGLE. + + [_The Times_ in a recent article on events in the Film world announces + the impending arrival in Europe of Miss DOROTHY GISH, adding, however, + that the visit is mainly undertaken for recreation.] + + Let others discourse and descant + Upon MANNIX the martyr archbish, + Me rather it pleases to chant + The arrival of DOROTHY GISH. + + Among the _elite_ of the Screen + She holds an exalted posit.; + But in Europe she never has been + Hitherto, hasn't DOROTHY GISH. + + And it's well to consider aright + That she harbours the laudable wish + For a holiday, not for the light + Of the lime, does Miss DOROTHY GISH. + + None the less with the wildest surmise + Do I muse on the bountiful dish + Of sensation purveyed for the wise + And the foolish by DOROTHY GISH. + + * * * * * + + Will you strengthen the hands of LLOYD GEORGE + Or frown on the poor Coalit.? + Will you force profiteers to disgorge, + Beneficent DOROTHY GISH? + + Do you hold by self-governing schools? + Do you think that headmasters should swish + Or adopt Montessorian rules, + Benevolent DOROTHY GISH? + + Will they give you an Oxford degree? + Will you learn to call marmalade "squish"? + Will KENWORTHY ask you to tea + On the Terrace, great DOROTHY GISH? + + Do you favour the Russ or the Pole? + Will you visit the Servians at Nish? + Are you sound on the subject of coal? + Are you Pussyfoot, DOROTHY GISH? + + Are you going to be terribly mobbed + When attending the concerts of KRISH? + Are your tresses luxuriant or "bobbed"? + Do tell us, kind DOROTHY GISH! + + Meanwhile we are moody and mad, + Like SAUL the descendant of KISH, + Oh, arrive and make everyone glad, + Delectable DOROTHY GISH! + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Lady Clerk; one accustomed to milk ledgers preferred."--_New + Zealand Paper._ + +But how does one milk a ledger? + + * * * * * + +THE BLUE MOUNTAINS. + + A SOUTH INDIAN LOVESONG. + + When the long trick's wearing over and a spell of leave comes due + The most'll go back to Blighty to see if their dreams are true; + There's some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex + downs, + There's some that'll cling to the country and some that'll turn to towns; + But _I_ know what _I_'ll do, and I'll do it right or wrong, + I'll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong. + + Athol's a bonny country and Sussex is good to see, + But it's long since I left Blighty and I'm not what I used to be; + And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel's fine, + And that may be most folk's fancy, but it somehow isn't mine; + For _I_ know what _I_ like, and the Land of Heart's Delight + For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where I feel right. + + So I'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail + And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale, + And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore + I'll see them hung in the tinted sky and I won't ask for more; + For _I_'ll know I'm happy and I'll make my morning prayer + Of thanks for the sun on the Blue Mountains and me to be going there. + + The little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need, + Crawling its way to Adderly, crawling to Runnymede; + And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey's + end, + And the breeze shall say to me "Brother" and the hills shall hail me + "Friend," + While the clear Kateri River sings lovesongs in my ear, + And I'll feel "Now I'm home again! Ah! but I'm welcome here." + + Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahs lie + And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs + my eye; + And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood, + And the dear sun shining on Ooty, and oh! but I'll find it good; + For _I_'ll have what _I_ wanted, and all the worrying done, + Because I'm back to the Blue Mountains and they and I are one. + + There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire + For minds that are over-weary, for bodies that toil and tire, + And over all that a something, a something that says, "You know, + It's the one place of all places where the gods meant _you_ to go." + Well, the gods know what _they_ know, and I wouldn't say them nay, + And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terribly far away, + So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the betting is, I'll stay. + + H.B. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET IN WAILS--A HOWLING SUCCESS. + + "E.H. ---- bawled consistently for the visitors, taking seven wickets + of 168."--_Welsh Paper._ + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS. + +As a sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-famine, I have started a +Correspondence Bureau, ostensibly for advising parents as to the pursuits +their offspring should take up, but really for propaganda purposes, the +object being the assuagement of this terrible evil. + +Consequently my replies to inquiries are all moulded to this end. + +For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton:-- + +"My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent. Do +please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one whose +father is a member of the Stock Exchange." + +I replied, "Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few more +lucrative occupations outside Bradford, unless it be that of a builder, in +which the scope is absolutely unlimited. I am enclosing a copy of last +week's _Builder and Architect_, in which you will find some great thoughts +expressed. Pray let Algernon read it. It may be the means of inducing him +to perform great deeds for England's sake." + +Another fond parent wrote:-- + +"Can you advise an anxious mother as to a career for her only son, John +William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes and +fair hair and is a perfect darling, so good and obedient, but he is firmly +resolved to be a lift-man when he grows up." + +I answered her soothingly thus:-- + +"John Willie is rather young to have made a final decision, I think. Let +his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, liftman, engine- +driver, bus-conductor, sailor, etc. At fifteen or so he will have left +these behind, and for the next few years will probably settle down to the +idea of being nothing in particular, or else a professional cricketer. Then +he will suddenly, for good or evil, make his choice. Neither his blue eyes +nor his fair hair give any clue as to what that choice will be, but I +should let him keep both, as they may be useful to him. + +"If he should determine upon a career involving manual work, I should take +steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying. At the +rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight per +week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the time he +arrives at bricklaying maturity. + +"It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to graduate in Commerce +before being eligible, but probably it would be necessary, as the best +bricklayers, I'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is a sort of +caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to keep +outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs bricklayers, and +will go on needing them for years. Let John Willie step forward when he is +old enough." + +To the mother who asked if I considered that her youngest boy would be well +advised to adopt the Housebreaking profession I wrote:-- + +"To which part of this profession do you refer? If to the Burgling branch I +would ask, 'Has he the iron nerve, the indomitable will, above all has he +the brain power for this exacting craft? Can he stand the exposure to the +night air, the exposure before an Assize jury, and the rigours of the +Portland stone quarries?' If so, let him take a course of illustrated +lectures at the cinema. + +"If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down of houses, I say, +'No! A thousand times, no!' He should be taught that there is a crying need +for a constructive, not a destructive policy. Let him adopt one; buy him +drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, and teach him that the noblest work +of creation is (unless it be a bricklayer or builder) an architect. Though +the War is over we must still keep the home fires burning. This implies +chimneys, and chimneys imply houses, and few there be that can plan houses +that will both please the eye and pass the local authorities." + +Lady Jubb wrote from Toffley Hall, Blankshire, to say that her elder son +(seventeen) had no ideas for the future beyond becoming Master of the +Barchester when he grew up, but that she was anxious that he should try for +some more lucrative post, official preferred. + +I replied thus:-- + +"So your son looks no higher than a Mastership of Foxhounds. Well, well, I +suppose that so long as there are such things as hounds he, as well as +another, may take on the job of Master. + +"But I thoroughly approve of your desire that he should try for something +higher in life, especially for some official post; and what official post +is or can be superior to that of a Borough Surveyor? Can you not persuade +him that this great office is what one chooses to make it, and that, as an +autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be compared to the B.S., for, whereas the +former can at the most scorch the few people foolish enough to remain +within ear-shot, the latter can with a breath damn a whole row of houses +and blast the careers of an army of builders with a word." + +And so the propaganda proceeds. + +If my efforts result in even one house being erected I shall, I think, have +earned my O.B.E., though I would rather have the house. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _My Lady Bountiful._ "SO YOUR MOTHER IS BETTER THROUGH +TAKING THE QUININE I GAVE HER?" + +_Little Girl_ (_doing her best to carry out instructions_). "YES'M. BUT SHE +SAYS SHE'S WORSE OF THE COMPLAINT WOT YOU GIVES 'ER PORT WINE FOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE TERRITORIAL. + + Oh, civil life is fine and free, with no one to obey, + No sergeants shouting, "Show a leg!" or "Double up!" all day; + No buttons to be polished, no army boots to wear, + And nobody to tick you off because you grow your hair. + + It's great to sleep beneath a roof that keeps the rain outside, + To eat a daintier kind of grub than quarter-blokes provide, + To rise o' mornings when you wish and when you wish turn in, + To shirk a shave and never hear the truth about your chin; + + And not to have to pad the hoof through blazing sun or rain, + Intent on getting nowhere and foot-slogging back again, + To realise no N.C.O. has any more the right + To rob you of your beauty-sleep with "Guard to-morrow night!" + + All this is great, of course it is, yet here we are once more + Obeying sergeants just for fun and cheerier than before; + We haven't any good excuse, we've got no war to win-- + But nothing's touched the kit-bag yet for packing troubles in. + + W.K.H. + + * * * * * + +A TASTE OF AUTHORITY. + +I have often wished I were an expert at something. How I envy the man who, +before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the proffered +sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells it at close +quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very brave, pulls out +a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the tailor, abashed and +discomfited, produces for the lucky expert from the interior of his +premises that choice bale of pre-war quality which he was keeping for his +own use. + +I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening. +Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help me. + +"My dear fellow," he said, "in these days of specialisation one has to be +brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth or +canaries or bathroom tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a +moment." + +"Can you help me?" I asked. + +"As regards tea, I can," he replied. "Jorkins over there is in the tea +business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of +tea-tasting." + +"I should be awfully glad if you would," said I. "We never get any decent +tea at home." + +Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and efficient character. I saw +Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow. + +"Watch me carefully," said Jorkins, "and listen to what I say. Take a +little leaf into the palm of your left hand. Rub it lightly with the +fingers and gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose and snuff up strongly. +Pick out a strand and bite through the leaf slowly with the front teeth, +thus. Just after biting pass the tip of the tongue behind the front teeth +and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. Sorry I must go +now. Good day." + +Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times +before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look +which Jorkins wore during the operation. + +At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers of +teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and began +the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and gazed at it +earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a strand and +bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after biting I +passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate, completing +the act of deglutition. + +So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to +accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was up +against one of the mandarins of the trade. So I said with severity, "Please +don't show me any more common stuff; I want the best you have." + +The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was +evidently about to speak. + +"Kindly refrain from expostulating," I went on; "content yourself with +showing me your finest blend." + +He went away to the back of the shop, muttering; clearly he recognised +defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest. + +"Try this," said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled rage. + +I took a handful and once more went through the whole ceremony. It was +nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of my +performance I assumed a look of satisfaction. "Give me five pounds of +that," said I with the air of a conqueror. + +Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success. + +"Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, did he?" + +"He did. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to +deglute--everything." + +"And with what result?" + +"With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the finest tea +that the greatest experts have blended from the combined products of Assam +and China." + +"Tea?" he asked. + +"Yes, tea of course. You didn't suppose that I was talking of oysters?" + +"Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco." + + * * * * * + +"Alured," said my wife, "I wish you wouldn't buy things for the house. That +tea is low-grade sweepings." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LE GRAND PENSEUR. + +(_With apologies to the late AUGUSTE RODIN._) + +ADVERTISING ENTHUSIAST ON HIS HOLIDAY SEEKING INSPIRATION FOR A NEW +ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY.] + + * * * * * + + "Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he + turned the first sot of the new university."--_Daily Paper._ + +Turned him out, we trust. + + * * * * * + + "In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that a + nation was known by its soul and not by its asses."--_South African + Paper._ + +Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past braying +for. + + * * * * * + + "The doings (or rather sayings!) in the Legislature we are watching + with sympathy and some impatience, much as a bachelor bears with the + gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before + dinner."--_Weekly Paper._ + +And the worst of it is that the Legislature is gambling with _our_ money. + + * * * * * + + "Miss ----, director of natural science studies at Newnham College, + Oxford, will preside."--_Daily Paper._ + +We are glad to hear of this new women's college at Oxford, but surely they +might have chosen a more original name for it. + + * * * * * + +A.G.J. writes: "Your picture of 'Come unto these Yellow Sands' in the +number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following +line, 'The Wild Waves Whist.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU AT CHURCH FOR TWO SUNDAYS, JOHN." + +"NO, SIR. NO OFFENCE T'YOU, BUT OI A-BIN DOIN' T' CHAPEL PASSON'S GARDEN, +SO MISSUS THOUGHT WE'D BETTER GIVE 'IM A TURN."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +To review one of Mr. E.F. BENSON'S social satires always gives me somewhat +the sensations of the reporter at the special sermon--a relieved +consciousness that, being present on business, my own withers may be +supposed professionally unwrung. Otherwise, so exploratory a lash.... I +seldom recall the touch of it more shrewd than in _Queen Lucia_ +(HUTCHINSON), an altogether delightful castigation of those persons whom a +false rusticity causes to change a good village into the sham-bucolic home +of crazes, fads and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the +Riseholme community has its centre in _Mrs. Lucas_, the acknowledged queen +of the place (_Lucia_ = wife of _Lucas_, which shows you the character of +her empire in a single touch); the matter of the tale is to tell how her +autocracy was threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish I had space to +quote the description of the _Lucas_ home, "converted" from two genuine +cottages, to which had been added a wing at right-angles, even more +Elizabethan than the original, and a yew-hedge, "brought entire from a +neighbouring farm and transplanted with solid lumps of earth and indignant +snails around its roots." Perhaps, apart from the joy of the setting, you +may find some of the incidents, the faith-healer, the medium and so on, a +trifle obvious for Mr. BENSON. More worthy of him is the central episode-- +the arrival as a Riseholme resident of _Olga Bracely_, the operatic star of +international fame. Her talk, her attitude towards the place, and the +subtle contrast suggested by her between the genuine and the pretence, show +Mr. BENSON at his light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, in +speaking of which you will observe I have not once so much as mentioned the +word "Cotswolds." + + * * * * * + +_Michael Forth_ (CONSTABLE) will doubtless convey a wonderful message to +those of us who are clever enough to grasp its meaning; but I fear that it +will be a disappointment to many admirers of Miss MARY JOHNSTON'S earlier +books. Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to follow this +excursion into the region of metaphysics; indeed I felt as if I had fallen +into the hands of a guide whose language I could only dimly and dully +understand. All of which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that +you should sample _Michael_ for yourselves and see what you can make of +him. Miss JOHNSTON shouldered an unnecessarily heavy burden when she +decided to tell the story of her hero in the first person, but in relating +_Michael's_ childhood in his Virginian home she is at her simplest and +best. Afterwards, when _Michael_ became intent on going "deeper and deeper +within," he succeeded so well that he concealed himself from me. + + * * * * * + +Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and heartily approve +the growing fashion of publishing or republishing them in volume form, I am +the more jealous that the good repute of this practice should be preserved +from damage by association with unworthy material. I'm afraid this is a +somewhat ominous introduction to a notice of _The Eve of Pascua_ +(HEINEMANN), in which, to be brutally frank, I found little justification +for even such longevity as modern paper conditions permit. "RICHARD DEHAN" +is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of the public, but none of the +tales in this collection will do anything to add to the debt. The best is +perhaps a very short and quite happily told little jest called "An +Impression," about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing herself as +interpreted by an Impressionist painter. There is also a sufficiently +picturesque piece of Wardour Street medievalism in "The Tribute of the +Kiss," and some original scenery in "The Mother of Turquoise." But beyond +this (though I searched diligently) nothing; indeed worse, since more than +one of the remaining tales, notably "Wanted, a King" and "The End of the +Cotillion," are so preposterous that their inclusion here can only be +attributed to the most cynical indifference. + + * * * * * + +It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the ingredients of _Irish +Stew_ (SKEFFINGTON) are in fact Irish, and though Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS is +best known as a novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and +traditional horses, I am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adventures of +_Mr. Jones_, trusted employe of _Mosenthals and Co._, better than Mrs. +CONYERS' stage Irishmen. "Our Mr. Jones" is neither a _Sherlock Holmes_ nor +an _Aristide Pujol_, neither a _Father Brown_ nor a _Bob Pretty_, but +nevertheless he is an engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs. +CONYERS' hunting _clientele_ may much prefer to read about the dishonesties +of _Con Cassidy_ and his fellow-horse-copers and the simple but heroic +_O'Toole_ and his supernatural friends. But, as the average Irish hunting +man cares little more for books than he does for bill-collectors, his +preference may not be of paramount importance. In any case the Irish +ingredients of _Irish Stew_ would be easier to assimilate if Mrs. CONYERS +would refrain from trying to spell English as the Irish speak it. If the +reader knows Ireland it is unnecessary and merely makes reading a task. If +the reader does not know Ireland no amount of phonetic spelling will +reproduce a single one of the multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with +sound and empty it of sense. On the whole Mrs. CONYERS' public will not be +disappointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it is _Mr. Jones_ who will +give them their money's worth. + + * * * * * + +I was, I confess, a little sceptical--you know how it is--when I read what +Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON'S official reviewer said of Mr. HAL. G. +EVARTS' _The Cross-Pull_: "The best dog story since The Call of the Wild," +etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr. EVARTS' hero, +_Flash_, is a noble beast of mixed strain--grey wolf, coyote, dog. The +Cross-Pull is the conflict between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to +his master and mistress whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf +whose proper business is to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most +tamed brutes he is involved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate +outlaws, among whom is his chief enemy, and he is fortunate enough to serve +the state while pursuing to a successful end his bitter private quarrel. +Brute _Brent_ gets and deserves the kind of bite which was planned by a +far-seeing providence for the elk.... You can tell when an author really +loves and knows animals or is merely "putting it on." Mr. EVARTS +understands, sentimentalises less than most interpreters; seems to know a +good deal. The story loses no interest from being set in the American +hinterland of a few decades ago. All real animal lovers should get this +book--they should really. + + * * * * * + +If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it is, to state what +is obvious in regard to a subject while creating by the manner of the +statement an impression of its subtler features, then Mr. PERCY BROWN, in +writing _Germany in Dissolution_ (MELROSE), has proved himself a true +artist. For in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the +Spartacist rising certain things happened which got themselves safely into +the newspapers, and these he sets forth, mostly in headline form. Beyond +this Germany was a seething muddle of contradictions and cross-purposes, +which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably reflected in his pages. Mr. +BROWN is a journalist of the school that does not stick at a trifle, a +German prison, for instance, when his dear public wants news. His crowning +achievement was to persuade Dr. SOLF, when Foreign Minister, to send +through the official wireless an account of an interview with himself, +which would, as he (SOLF) fondly hoped, help to bamboozle British public +opinion. When the article appeared, so well had the author's editor read +between the lines of the message that the journalist had to run for his +life. He was particularly fortunate too, or clever, in getting in touch +with the Kiel sailors who set the revolution going, but in spite of much +excellent material, mostly of the "scoop" interview variety, nothing much +ever seems to come of it all, and we are left at the end about as wise as +we started. All the same, much of the book's detail is interesting, however +little satisfaction it offers as a whole. + + * * * * * + +_Ann's First Flutter_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) will not arouse any commotion in +the dovecotes of the intellectually elect, but it provides an amusing +entertainment for those who can appreciate broad and emphatic humour. Mr. +R.A. HAMBLIN has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my only quarrel +with him is that I believe him to have a subtler sense of humour than he +reveals here. _Ann_ was a grocer's daughter, and after her attempt to +flutter for herself had failed she married _Tom Bampfield_, a grocer's son. +_Tom_ had literary ambitions, and was the author of a novel which his +father thought pernicious enough to destroy his custom. Strange however to +relate, the novel failed to destroy anything except the author's future as +a novelist, and when _Tom_ did succeed in making some pen-money it was by +means of a series of funny articles in _The Dry Goods Gazette_--articles so +violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated them. +Mr. HAMBLIN'S fun, let me add, is never ill-natured. Even bilious grocers +will not resent his jovial invasion of their kingdom. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRUDENT LOVER.] + + * * * * * + + "City gunsmiths have been busy these days furbishing up sportsmen's + rifles for the '12th.'"--_Scotch Paper._ + +Personally we use a machine-gun. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, August 18th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16707.txt or 16707.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/7/0/16707/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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