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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2005 [EBook #16707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 18th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA
+
+The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the newly-rich
+has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital.
+
+* * *
+
+"A few hours in Cork," says a _Daily Mail_ correspondent, "will convince
+anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be explained, is
+one in which the civilians are at war but the military are not.
+
+* * *
+
+Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day
+nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to goad
+the military forces in Ireland to reprisals.
+
+* * *
+
+"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know
+somebody who butted in later.
+
+* * *
+
+"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It will be
+noticed that they are very still.
+
+* * *
+
+"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that it
+would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and ten
+seconds to count one day's circulation of _The Daily Mail_." Holiday-makers
+waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try it.
+
+* * *
+
+Coloured grocery sugars, the FOOD CONTROLLER announces, are to be freed
+from control on September 6th. A coloured grocery is one in which the
+grocer is not as black as he is painted.
+
+* * *
+
+A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the
+question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable sign
+is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world residence."
+
+* * *
+
+The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an
+unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence of
+any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will
+probably be granted.
+
+* * *
+
+"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the Willesden
+Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The man may be a
+model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted we should want
+to know what he does with that fourpence.
+
+* * *
+
+Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans for
+eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than three
+families will be allowed to live in one van.
+
+* * *
+
+"Three times in four days," says a _Daily Express_ report, "a Parisian has
+thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports point out that all
+is now quiet, as the fellow has found his collar-stud.
+
+* * *
+
+"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a
+better plan would be to get Sir ERIC GEDDES to give it to you.
+
+* * *
+
+A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to wage war
+without the enemy complaining of headache.
+
+* * *
+
+"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so that
+they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice to
+know that should an article not come back again you will be able to assure
+yourself that it was yours.
+
+* * *
+
+At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large numbers.
+It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still sold in
+lengths.
+
+* * *
+
+A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car to-day. It
+is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the rising cost of
+pedestrian.
+
+* * *
+
+The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway buffet,
+discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves tried to
+break into a railway sandwich.
+
+* * *
+
+Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It is
+feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of running
+out.
+
+* * *
+
+"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six," says a
+news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her parents'
+consent.
+
+* * *
+
+"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even threepence it
+contains three times the number of currants," announces an evening paper.
+This should mean three currants in each bun.
+
+* * *
+
+A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire last
+week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all children under
+fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept indoors, whilst local
+golfers have been sent out to act as decoys.
+
+* * *
+
+It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be
+christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet
+been broken to the unfortunate infant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Exasperated Partner._ "LOOK HERE--DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR
+SERVICE INTO THE RIGHT COURT?"
+
+_Partner._ "NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T. BUT IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY
+UNPLAYABLE IF I DID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RESULT OF A LEAP-YEAR.
+
+    "Bishop ---- says he will not be able to consider any more proposals
+    for engagements till after the summer of 1921."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ECHO FROM BISLEY.--A musical correspondent writes to point out that
+sol-faists have an unfair advantage in the running-deer competition,
+because they are always practising with a "movable Doh."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM SPA AND SHORE.
+
+GROGTOWN.--All available accommodation has been monopolised by Glasborough
+visitors, among whom this resort is becoming more alarmingly popular every
+year. Sixty charabancs arrived on Monday and the Riot Act was read several
+times before the passengers could be induced to desist from their badinage
+of the residents, most of whom have since retired behind the wire-
+entanglements at Kelrose. The municipal orchestra was subjected to a brisk
+fusillade of rock-cakes on Saturday night; the conductor and several of the
+instrumentalists suffered contusions, and their performances have since
+been discontinued. This has not unnaturally given rise to a certain amount
+of dissatisfaction amongst the visitors, but otherwise there has been no
+recrudescence of rioting. A company of the Caithness Highlanders, with
+machine-guns, are now encamped on the links, and sunshine is all that is
+needed to complete the success of the season.
+
+KEGNESS.--On Tuesday the Mayor presented a jar of whisky, fifty years old,
+to the winning charabanc team in the bottle-throwing competition, and the
+subsequent scenes afforded much diversion. A notable feature at present is
+a large whale, which was washed ashore in a gale about six months ago. The
+oldest inhabitants declare that they have never known anything like it, and
+it is certainly an unforgettable experience to be anywhere within a mile of
+this apparently immovable derelict. Excursions to all surrounding places
+out of nose-shot are extremely popular, and the beach is practically
+deserted save by a few juvenile natives engaged in the blubber industry.
+
+MUDHALL SPA.--Without the least reflection on chalybeates and the rest, it
+must be allowed that the most popular beverage in Mudhall at present is
+that which draws its virtue from a cereal and not a mineral source.
+Hilarity is rife at all hours, and the effort to enlist a body of local
+volunteers to control the exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian "charabankers" is
+meeting with unexpected support. The casualties in the daily collisions
+between the Hydropathic League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot-Guards are steadily
+increasing and now compare favourably with those of any other Midland
+health-resort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Boylston (Massachusetts) farm labourer is said to havt bees
+    identified as one of the heirs to a £400,000 estate at Dundte, for whom
+    starches have betn made for years, but nothing is known at Dundee of
+    such an estate."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But this lucid paragraph should help to clear up the mystery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMONG THE PEDESTALS.
+
+The rumour that a number of London's statues are to be moved to make room
+for new has caused many a marble heart to beat faster; and on making a
+round of calls I gathered that Sir ALFRED MOND has few friends in stone or
+bronze circles. Not the least uneasy is George IV. in Trafalgar Square.
+Uneasiness of body he has always known, riding there for ever without any
+stirrups; but now his mind is uneasy too. "If they take Father from
+Cockspur Street," he argued very naturally, "why not me?"
+
+A few of the figures feel secure, of course, but very few. Nelson on his
+column has no fears; Nurse Cavell is too recent to tremble; so is Abraham
+Lincoln. But the others? They are in a state of nervous suspense, wondering
+if the sentence of banishment is to fall and resenting any disturbance of
+their lives. "_J'y suis, j'y reste_" is their motto.
+
+Abraham Lincoln gave me a hearty welcome and extended an invitation that is
+not within the power of any other graven image in the city. "Take a chair,"
+he said.
+
+I did so and am thus, I suppose, the first Londoner to put that comfortable
+piece of furniture to its proper use.
+
+"How do you like being here?" I asked.
+
+He said that he enjoyed it. The only blot on his pleasure was the fear that
+the Abbey might fall on him, and he therefore hoped that _The Times'_ fund
+was progressing by leaps and bounds.
+
+His immediate neighbours, on the contrary, exhibited no serenity whatever,
+and I found Canning and Palmerston shivering with apprehension in their
+frockcoats. The worst of it was that I could say nothing to reassure them.
+
+Here and there, however, a desire for locomotion was expressed. Dr.
+Johnson, in the enclosure behind St. Clement Danes, is very restive. I
+asked him if he would object to removal. "Sir," said the Little
+Lexicographer (as his sculptor has made him), "I should derive satisfaction
+from it. A man cannot be considered as enviable who spends all his time in
+the contemplation, from an unvacatable position, of a street to the
+perambulation of which he devoted many of his happiest hours."
+
+I ventured to agree.
+
+"Nor," continued the sage, "is it a source of contentment to a man of
+integrity to observe an unceasing procession of Americans on their way to
+partake of pudding in a hostelry that has made its name and prosperity out
+of a mythical association with himself and be unable to correct the error."
+
+"Are you in general in favour of statuary?" I made bold to ask.
+
+"Painting," said he, "consumes labour not disproportionate to its effect;
+but a fellow will hack half a year at a block of marble to make something
+in stone that hardly resembles a man. Look around you; look at me. The
+value of statuary is owing to its difficulty. You would not value the
+finest head cut upon a carrot."
+
+But one effect of this General Post among the statues is good, and it
+should delight Mr. ASQUITH. Cromwell, now outside Westminster Hall, is to
+be moved into the House.
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          MARIGOLDS.
+
+  As MARY was a-walking
+    All on a summer day,
+  The flowers all stood curtseying
+    And bowing in her way;
+  The blushing poppies hung their heads
+    And whispered MARY'S name,
+  And all the wood anemones
+    Hung down their heads in shame.
+
+  The violet hid behind her leaves
+    And veiled her timid face,
+  And all the flowers bowed a-down,
+    For holy was the place.
+  Only a little common flower
+    Looked boldly up and smiled
+  To see the happy mother come
+    A-carrying her Child.
+
+  The little Child He laughed aloud
+    To see the smiling flower,
+  And as He laughed the Marigold
+    Turned gold in that same hour.
+  For she was gay and innocent--
+    He loved to see her so--
+  And from the splendour of His face
+    She caught a golden glow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OPTIMIST.
+
+    "I have just completed a fortnight's tour on a tandem, and can
+    recommend this form of a holiday as the best I know of.... One Sunday
+    in June, without exaggeration, I was nearly killed twice, and my wife
+    was overcome with fright."--_C.T.C. Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, three children caught 182 green
+    wasps."--_Daily Paper._
+
+It is believed that they would not have been caught if they had not been
+green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent Admiralty Order:--
+
+    "Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C. Officers and
+    men (Royal Marines) during the current year, for walking out purposes
+    only."
+
+It is believed that His Majesty's Jollies have received the order without
+enthusiasm, on the ground that no mention is made of anything being inside
+the frocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ICONOCLAST.
+
+SIR ALFRED MOND. "I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DISTURB YOUR MAJESTY, BUT, OWING TO
+THE SHORTAGE OF SITES--"
+
+GEORGE III. "SHORTAGE OF SIGHTS, INDEED!"
+
+[It is understood that a number of London statues, including that of George
+III. in Cockspur Street, are to be removed by the Office of Works to make
+room for new ones.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Heavy Father._ "PUT YOUR 'AT ON THIS MINUTE, SIR. DO YOU
+WANT TO CATCH YOUR DEATHERCOLD?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISIONARY.
+
+  'Twas last week at Pebble Bay
+    That I saw the little goat,
+  Harnessed to a little shay.
+    Old was he and poor in coat,
+  And he lugged his load along
+  Where the barefoot children throng
+  Round the nigger minstrels' song.
+
+  But his eye, aloof and chill,
+    Said to me as plain as plain,
+  "I am waiting, waiting still,
+    Till the gods come back again;
+  Starved and ugly, mean, unkempt,
+  I have dreams by you undreamt,
+  And--I hold you in contempt!
+
+  "Dreams of forest routs that trooped,
+    Shadowy maidens crowned with vines,
+  Dreams where Dian's self has stooped
+    Darkling 'neath the scented pines;
+  Or where he, old father Pan,
+  Took the hooves of me and ran
+  Fluting through the heart of man.
+
+  "Surely he must come again,
+    He the great, the hornéd one?
+  Shan't I caper in his train
+    Through the hours of feast and fun!"
+  And he looked with eyes of jade
+  Through the sunshine, through the shade,
+  Far beyond Marine Parade.
+
+      * * * * *
+
+  Should you go to Pebble Bay,
+    Golfing or to bathe and boat--
+  Should you see a loaded shay,
+    In the shafts a scarecrow goat,
+  Tell him that you hope (with me)
+  Pan will shortly set him free,
+  Pipe him home to Arcady.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET NOTES.
+
+Mr. P.F. WARNER has received countless expressions of regret on his
+retirement from first-class cricket. Among these he values not least a
+"round robin" from the sparrows at Lord's, all of whom he knows by name. In
+the score-book of Fate is this entry in letters of gold:
+
+  "Plum" _c_ Anno _b_ Domini 47.
+
+Long may he live to enjoy the cricket of others!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The test team of Australia being now complete, all correspondence on the
+subject of its exclusions must cease. We therefore do not print a number of
+letters asking why there is no one named Geddes on the side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. FENDER and HOBBS are said to be actuated by the same motto, "For Hearth
+and Home." Both are pledged to return covered with "the ashes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the recent Surrey and Middlesex match Mr. SKEET bewildered the crowd by
+fielding as if he liked it. Hitherto this vulgar manifestation has been
+confined to HITCH and HENDREN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although so late in the season Yorkshire has great hopes of a colt named
+HIRST, who has just joined the side. He was seen bowling at Eton and was
+secured at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a strong feeling in Worcestershire that a single-wicket match
+between LEE of Middlesex and Mr. PERRIN of Essex would be a very saucy
+affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE UNKNOWN."
+
+Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, who recently intrigued and perhaps just a little
+scandalised the town with a most engagingly flippant and piquant farce all
+about an accidentally bigamous beauty, certainly shows courage in launching
+so serious a discussion as _The Unknown_. And in the silly season too. I
+see that in a quite unlikely interview (but then all modern interviews are
+unlikely) he defends his right to discuss religion quite openly on the
+stage. Of course. Why should anybody deny that religion is to the normally
+constituted mind, whatever its doxy, an absorbingly interesting subject; or
+that the War hasn't made a breach in the barriers of British reticence?
+Whether to the point of making a perfectly good married Vicar (anxious to
+convict a doubting D.S.O. of sin) ask in a full drawing-room containing the
+Vicaress, the Doctor and the D.S.O.'s fiancée, mother and father, "For
+instance, have you always been perfectly chaste?"--I am not so sure. Nor
+whether the War has really added to bereaved _Mrs. Littlewood's_ bitter
+"And who is going to forgive God?" any added force. If that kind of
+question is to be asked at all it might have been asked, and with perhaps
+more justice, at any time within the historical period. For the War might
+reasonably be attributed by the Unknown Defendant thus starkly put upon
+trial to man's deliberate folly, whereas....
+
+No doubt, however, Mr. MAUGHAM would say the shock of war has (like any
+other great catastrophe) tested the faith of many who are personally deeply
+stricken and found it wanting, while the whisper of doubt has swelled the
+more readily as there are many to echo it. So _Major John Wharton, D.S.O.,
+M.C._, having found war, contrary to his expectation of it as the most
+glorious manly sport in the world, a "muddy, mad, stinking, bloody
+business," loses the faith of his youth and says so, not with bravado but
+with regret. The Vicar, with dignity and restraint, but without much
+understanding and not without some hoary _clichés_; his wife, with venom
+(suggesting also incidentally sound argument for the celibacy of the
+clergy); the old _Colonel_ and his sweet unselfish wife, with affection;
+and _Sylvia_, _John's_ betrothed, with a strange passion, defend the old
+faith, _Sylvia_ to the point of breaking with her lover and getting her to
+a nunnery--a business which will in the end, I should guess, lay a heavier
+burden upon the nuns than upon _John_. The indecisive battle sways hither
+and thither. It is the _Doctor_ who sums up in a compromise which would
+shock the metaphysical theologian, but may suffice for the plain man, "God
+is merciful but not omnipotent. In His age-long fight against evil we can
+help--or hinder; why not help?"
+
+The most signal thing was Miss HAIDÉE WRIGHT'S personal triumph as _Mrs.
+Littlewood_--a very fine interpretation of an interesting character. Mr.
+CHARLES V. FRANCE adds another decent Colonel to his military repertory.
+This actor always plays with distinction and with an ease of which the art
+is so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of his due meed of applause
+from the unperceptive. Lady TREE made a beautiful thing of the character of
+_Mrs. Wharton_, whose simple unselfishness was the best of all Mr.
+MAUGHAM'S arguments for the defence. Mr. R.H. HIGNETT nobly restrained
+himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept enough of the
+distinctive flavour to excite a passionate anti-clerical behind me into
+clamorously derisive laughter; a very good piece of work. Miss O'MALLEY
+acted a difficult, almost an impossibly difficult, part with a fine
+distinction. Mr. BASIL RATHBONE'S _Major_ and Mr. BLAKISTON'S _Doctor_ were
+excellent. I am sorry to be so monotonously approving....
+
+I am not convinced that Mr. MAUGHAM'S experiment has succeeded.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. ---- maintained that it was extraordinuary that if he was only
+    slightly dead deceased did not hear the lorry."--_Local Paper._
+
+Most extraordinuary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Generous Stranger._ "WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT? (_No
+answer._) I SAY--WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT?"
+
+_Hodge._ "DON'T 'EE ASK ZILLY QUESTIONS. ORDER IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY.
+
+George and I are two ordinary people. He studies the Weather Reports every
+day; I do occasionally. He thinks he understands meteorology; I don't. But
+lately I felt that I _must_ have some explanation of the weather, so I
+asked George to explain it.
+
+He said, "Certainly; it's quite simple. Take wind. Wind is caused by
+differences of _pressure_."
+
+"What _is_ pressure? Who is pressing what?"
+
+"Pressure is what the barometer tells you--not the thermometer; you must
+keep the thermometer out of this. Suppose it is very hot in London--"
+
+"Don't be ridiculous."
+
+"Well, suppose it is very hot at a place A--"
+
+"I thought we were keeping the thermometer out of this."
+
+"It comes in indirectly. But don't keep interrupting. If it is very hot at
+the place A, the air at A rises. You see?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Obviously it does. If you light a candle--"
+
+"Yes, yes, I do see that. Don't begin about candles."
+
+"Well, the result of that is that there is less _pressure_ at A. In other
+words, there is more room for the air to move about. When that happens the
+air at the place B--"
+
+"Where is that?"
+
+"Oh anywhere. I told you to think of two places, A and B."
+
+"No, you told me to think of a place A, and I am still thinking of it,
+because it is very hot there."
+
+"Well, this is another place, where the pressure is simply frightful. When
+the air rises at A the air from B rushes over to A to fill up the gap, and
+that is what we call wind."
+
+"I see."
+
+"No, you don't. It isn't quite so simple as that. Now, the atoms of air
+rushing from B to A don't go _straight_ there, but they travel in--in sort
+of _circles_."
+
+"Why do they do that?"
+
+"Well, the fact is that these atoms are so keen to get over to A, where
+there is plenty of room, that they jostle each other, and that makes them
+go round and round. If they go round and round _against_ the clock, like
+that, they are called cyclones, or depressions, or low-pressure systems. If
+they go with the clock, like that, it is an anti-cyclone."
+
+"Oh!"
+
+"What do you mean--'Oh'?"
+
+"What I said; but go on."
+
+"Now suppose this air--"
+
+"Which air?"
+
+"The air from B. Suppose it is travelling in a cyclone--"
+
+"But isn't a cyclone a low-pressure thingummy?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And didn't you say that B was a high-pressure place?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then how does the air coming from B manage to be low-pressure stuff?"
+
+"I see what you mean. There _is_ an explanation, but it would take too long
+to hazard it now. Suppose the air is coming from B in an anti-cyclone, then
+..."
+
+"All right. I'll suppose that."
+
+"... it rushes over to A and fills up the gap. There is more pressure at A
+and the barometer goes up--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains. You see, the air from B is colder than the air at A was
+before the air came from B."
+
+"I _don't_ see."
+
+"Well, obviously it _must_ be."
+
+"How 'obviously'?"
+
+"Well, the whole thing started with it being very hot at A, you remember,
+so that the air rose. If it had been hotter still at B just then the air
+would have risen at B instead, and it couldn't have rushed over to A.
+There'd have been a frightful muddle."
+
+"There is."
+
+"Well, it's your own fault for interrupting. This air, then--"
+
+"Which air is this?"
+
+"The air from B. The air from B cools the air at A--"
+
+"But I thought the air at A had risen."
+
+"Not all of it. And that makes it rain."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Oh, well, I can't go into that. It's something to do with condensation.
+Air absorbs more moisture when it is hot than when it is cold--"
+
+"So do I. I understand that."
+
+"When the air cools the water condenses."
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains, you fool."
+
+"When is it fine?"
+
+"Wait a bit. The falling of the rain of course generates heat--"
+
+"Why 'of course'?"
+
+"I can't explain _exactly_, but you know perfectly well that it's always
+warmer on a cold day after the rain."
+
+"Yes, but not on a hot day."
+
+"Yes, it is."
+
+"No, it isn't."
+
+"It is, really. Anyhow, this is a cold day."
+
+"No, it isn't. You said it was very hot at A."
+
+"I'm not going to argue. You must take it from me that rain generates
+heat."
+
+"All right. Is it fine then?"
+
+"No. Heat being generated the air rises. The result of that is that there
+is less _pressure_ at A--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"I've explained already what happens then. The air from B--"
+
+"Do we begin all over again now?"
+
+"More or less, yes."
+
+"So that at this place, A, it's always raining or just going to rain?"
+
+"Yes, if it starts by being hot there, as it did just now, I suppose it
+is."
+
+"What happens if it starts by being cold?"
+
+"It rains. I've explained that. The cold air can't contain so much
+moisture--"
+
+"Don't begin that again. What about B? Is it any good going there? We had
+frightfully high pressure there at one time."
+
+"Yes, but it rains so much at A that more and more air rushes from B to A
+to fill up the gap caused by the air rising on account of the heat
+generated by the rain falling, and very soon you get frightfully low
+pressure at B--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains."
+
+"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at B?"
+
+"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at B."
+
+"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?"
+
+"From the place C."
+
+"Is it fine there?"
+
+"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A."
+
+"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it _must_ rain."
+
+"More or less, yes. More really."
+
+"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to go?"
+
+"There is a place, D--"
+
+"What happens there?"
+
+"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary depressions."
+
+"Then where do you advise me to go?"
+
+"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I have."
+
+"I think you have. I understand it now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hope you all do.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir,--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
+
+    'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.'
+
+    Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this
+    very neat and apt definition."--_Letter in Daily Paper._
+
+We rather think the printer had a hand in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE AT
+COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE, HAS LED
+MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF THE
+FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF PICTURESQUE
+SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guide_ (_after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps_).
+"THESE, SIR, ARE THE FAMOUS GARGOYLES I MENTIONED."
+
+_Perspiring American._ "GEE! I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'GARGLES.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES.
+
+Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second mechanic at
+the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, Puddlesby. It was
+when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical Society that his
+troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and hard-working a little
+man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and weighed in at seven stone
+four. But above all he was an expert in rubber tyres; he knew them, I had
+almost said, by instinct.
+
+The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of Souls. As
+I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell you about
+it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see the connection
+between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will have patience I
+think I can promise to show you _that_ at least.
+
+One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S., fell
+asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory experience in
+a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he knew. He perceived
+that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that he was no longer plain
+Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of the Artful Arm, and
+known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he had just been
+challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh fight, and (for the
+seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had accepted. He soon added to the
+stock of his information the fact that, as the challenged party, he had the
+choice of time, place and weapons.
+
+He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable
+warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose hair
+he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had ever
+killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle Road. He
+felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to propose as the
+time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as the weapon,
+motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as far as
+mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, however,
+did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a counter-
+proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three days'
+time.
+
+Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He got
+through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but had
+fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the
+esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the details
+of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir Hugh, merely
+adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was customary in
+the better-class combats of that day.
+
+He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably
+depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity
+compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned
+ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands,
+coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and
+did not fail to be ready in time.
+
+When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion
+reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his faithful
+esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide, which covered
+the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly in folds all
+round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached to the front
+of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in the vernacular of
+those stout times--
+
+"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy vile
+bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye blowinge."
+
+Whereupon the trusty varlet blew.
+
+Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of
+Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-à-pie in
+a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather
+over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an
+object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive
+observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir
+Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire, had
+inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and laced up
+like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists with a
+feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several days.
+
+They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero
+wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right arm,
+and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold also upon
+his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that no one in
+the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together beneath the
+horse's belly.
+
+If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding
+straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the left
+side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string which
+attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost his
+balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily from the
+Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the moment when
+he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough way on to bring
+him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained a vertical
+position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and with the
+same result.
+
+Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles might
+have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the distinguished
+audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth revolution.
+
+Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every turn,
+and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was going very
+fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found touch, first
+bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons rolled him back
+again into the field of play.
+
+It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during these
+proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to catch a
+glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first onslaught, and
+he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered that the haughty
+Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was slogging him round
+the lists; in short, was playing polo with him.
+
+But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he was
+not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The Baron,
+worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking.
+
+So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought of
+choosing _smooth_ maces. A spike would have punctured the cover in no
+time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end.
+
+His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic!
+
+Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost swooned
+away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube. There was a
+perplexed pause....
+
+And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles woke
+with a shriek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium on
+transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring to a
+previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of the game
+required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more bloodthirsty and
+pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to prove that little
+Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not quite the man for this
+sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of dreams. Anyway, shortly after
+his painful experience he withdrew his subscription from the Puddlesby
+Psychical Society and ceased for ever to assist at their séances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_by way of shewing sympathy to victim of
+demon bowler_). "RUM GAME, CRICKET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE OVERLAND ROUTE.
+
+    "MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS.
+
+    Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "James ----, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V and Czecho-
+    Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt he must
+    have some amusement."--_Evening Paper._
+
+The little Bolshevist!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a
+contemporary:--
+
+    "In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway
+    communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and
+    other northern and western centres."
+
+Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a feuilleton:--
+
+    "Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right
+    round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the
+    receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she panted."--
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+And then, we suppose, she wrote to the POSTMASTER-GENERAL to complain of
+the inefficiency of the service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Junior Partner of Firm_ (_exempted on business grounds
+during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised
+officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three
+times_). "YOU SAY YOU WERE THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN FRANCE AND YET DON'T
+SPEAK THE LANGUAGE? IT SEEMS TO ME YOU WASTED YOUR TIME ABROAD, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND.
+
+(_By a Student of Manners._)
+
+The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of
+August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the
+renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions;
+they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not
+renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be
+pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered
+by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard of
+efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one
+Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members of
+another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, August
+and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in
+London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be
+able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts available
+will be greatly enhanced.
+
+For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the decorators,
+is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent experiments
+have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and tranquillising influence on
+persons of an irritable disposition. A sumptuous dormitory is being erected
+on the top floor, where slow music will be discoursed every afternoon, from
+three to seven, by a Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid
+out for the recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts
+has been keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the
+basement to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with
+a vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American
+bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete
+books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of DELL,
+BARCLAY, WELLS, ZANE GREY and BENNETT. Three interesting rumours about the
+future of the Club may be given with due reserve--the first, that in the
+near future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord
+Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third,
+that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of
+"Arthur's."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Smith Minor's French Paper:
+
+    "Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui était très méchante.'--'The
+    farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to
+    Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."--_Daily
+    Mirror._
+
+Another injustice to Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+    bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+    sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+    divorce."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
+
+POLAND (_to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament_).
+"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A
+QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: GOING TO THE COUNTRY?
+
+"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the economic
+use of charabancs."--_Sir ERIC GEDDES._
+
+_First "Banc."_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. BALFOUR, Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN, Mr. CHURCHILL.
+
+_Second "Banc."_ Sir E. GEDDES, Mr. SHORTT, Mr. LONG, Sir ROBERT HORNE,
+Col. AMERY.
+
+_Third "Banc."_ Mr. ILLINGWORTH, Lord E. TALBOT, Mr. FISHER, Dr. ADDISON,
+Sir GORDON HEWART.
+
+_Fourth "Banc."_ Mr. KELLAWAY, Sir M. BARLOW, Sir L. WORTHINGTON EVANS, Sir
+A.G. BOSCAWEN, Mr. TOWYN JONES.
+
+_Fifth "Banc."_ Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, Mr. BALDWIN, Sir JAMES CRAIG, Mr.
+DENIS HENRY, Mr. NEAL.
+
+_Sixth "Banc."_ Mr. MONTAGU, Dr. MACNAMARA, Mr. MCCURDY, Mr. IAN
+MACPHERSON, Sir A. MOND.]
+
+_Monday, August, 9th._--In an atmosphere of appropriate gloom the House of
+Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. Even the LORD
+CHANCELLOR could say little more for the measure than that it might
+possibly enable some of the persons now in custody to be tried; and most of
+the other Peers who spoke seemed to think that it would be either
+mischievous or useless. The only confident opinion expressed was that of
+the elderly Privy Councillor, who from the steps of the Throne ejaculated,
+"If you pass this Bill you may kill England, not Ireland." But despite this
+unconventional warning the Peers took the risk.
+
+The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel WEDGWOOD'S tie. Of
+ample dimensions and of an ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and
+South-Western Railway porter might envy, it dominated the proceedings
+throughout Question-time. Beside it Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER'S pink shirt paled
+its ineffectual fires.
+
+When Viscount CURZON renewed his anti-charabancs campaign and Sir ERIC
+GEDDES was doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory
+suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red
+gleam from Colonel WEDGWOOD'S shirt-front. At once, the old railway
+instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the danger-signal and hastily
+cramming on his brakes, Sir ERIC observed that it would be "a great
+calamity" to prevent the economic use of the charabancs.
+
+_Tuesday, August 10th._--As Lord Great Chamberlain, and therefore official
+custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord LINCOLNSHIRE mentioned with
+due solemnity the regrettable incident of the day before. Lord CURZON
+thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. CARLISLE) should be allowed to
+explain his behaviour, and suggested that he should himself address to him
+a suitable letter. Several noble lords--anticipating, no doubt, that,
+whatever else came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively
+reading--said "Hear, hear."
+
+A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority--28 to 23--that there
+should be no Minister of Mines, but only an Under-Secretary. Lord PEEL now
+sought to induce them to change their minds. His principal argument was
+that a Minister would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a
+Secretary and would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so
+conspicuously lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be
+true, for they proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23.
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER.
+
+M. KRASSIN CONTEMPLATES THE COMMONS.]
+
+There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S
+statement on Poland. The Duke of YORK was over the Clock, flanked by the
+Archbishop of CANTERBURY on one side and Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN (who
+sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other.
+
+Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at
+Question-time. Mr. CHURCHILL denied that he had ever suggested an alliance
+with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as we are keeping the Watch on
+the Rhine with only thirteen thousand men--just three thousand more than it
+takes to garrison London--perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered,
+no great opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to
+describe the disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to
+retire before "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his
+upper lip.
+
+For two-thirds of his speech the PRIME MINISTER was the sober statesman,
+discussing with due solemnity the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish
+crisis. The Poles had been rash and must take the consequences. We should
+not help them unless the Bolshevists, not content with punishment,
+threatened the extinction of Poland's independence.
+
+Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he chaffed
+the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an
+unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even
+sacrificed a colleague. LENIN was an aristocrat, TROTSKY a journalist. "In
+fact"--turning to Mr. CHURCHILL--"my right honourable friend is an
+embodiment of both."
+
+A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. ASQUITH and Mr. ADAMSON ended
+in favour of the EX-PREMIER, who doubted whether the best way to ensure
+peace was to attack one of the parties to the dispute, and proceeded to
+make things more or less even by vigorously chiding Poland for her
+aggression. Mr. CLYNES, while admitting that the Labour Party would have to
+reconsider its position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still
+maintained that we had not played a straight game from Russia.
+
+Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, communication
+was established between the Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers'
+Gallery. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE read the terms offered by the Soviet to the
+Poles, and gave them a guarded approval.
+
+_Wednesday, August 11th._--A Bill to prohibit ready-money betting on
+football matches was introduced by Lord GAINFORD (who played for Cambridge
+forty years ago) and supported by Lord MEATH, "a most enthusiastic player"
+of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading of these
+experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord GAINFORD proposed
+to rush it through goal straightaway his course was barred by Lord
+BIRKENHEAD, an efficient Lord "Keeper."
+
+A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the late
+Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN furnished occasion for the PRIME MINISTER and Mr.
+ASQUITH to indulge in generous praise of a political opponent. Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE (with his eye on the Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was
+"essentially a Parliamentary country," we did well to honour "a great
+Parliamentarian"; and the EX-PREMIER (with his eye on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE)
+selected for special note among Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S characteristics that he
+had "no blurred edges."
+
+A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the
+startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the policy
+announced yesterday by the PRIME MINISTER, to give immediate recognition to
+General WRANGEL. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE expressed his "surprise and anxiety" and
+could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. To
+give time for its removal the House decided to postpone its holiday and
+adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE HEADACHES FOR THE HISTORIAN.
+
+Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished
+Strangers' Gallery during the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on Poland last week.
+Hence these tears:--
+
+    "In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with
+    English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed
+    intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest,
+    but often with animated comment."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+    "The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the
+    Premier's speech." _Evening News_.
+
+    "Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague doesn't
+    speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned over
+    and whispered a translation into the other's ear."--_Star_.
+
+    "The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless,
+    and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but
+    this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of
+    the Prime Minister."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY.
+
+_229th ed., folio, 2 vols._ (_Sour and Taxwell, 85s._).
+
+All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new
+edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be found
+on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its
+combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of
+English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic
+as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down,"
+and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur.
+
+It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work, and to
+say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is invariably
+happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on _Real Property_ his
+sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of expression do ample justice
+to the perennial freshness of his subject. The reader is swiftly carried
+from situation to situation and thrill follows thrill with daring rapidity.
+The plot is of the simplest, but worked out with surprising skill, while
+the events are related with that vivid imagination which the subject
+demands. Who is there that does not feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice
+with the heir when he comes, upon reversion, into the property from which
+he has been so long excluded? Mr. Blewitt treats this incident with a sense
+of romance and picturesqueness of language reminiscent of the ballad of
+"The Lord of Lynn." In its facts the ballad bears a striking resemblance to
+those so graphically described by our author, but in point of execution
+lacks the true breath of poetic inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's
+book.
+
+Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not sympathise
+with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the fair widow whom
+he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate soul is subject
+to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's silence on the
+disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts which tormented
+his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of _Hamlet_.
+
+It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr. Blewitt
+is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in works of this nature to equal the
+skilful psychological analysis, the sympathy of treatment and the fidelity
+to nature with which the author draws line by line the character of Q. The
+description of him as seised in fee simple is a touch of genius. We can
+remember nothing in the English language to compare with this unless it be
+that brilliant passage in which Mr. Blewitt sketches in a few lightning
+strokes the character of Richard Roe, a man at once pugnacious,
+overbearing, litigious and utterly regardless of truth and honesty.
+
+The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of learning
+in publishing this new edition. The editing is very creditable to English
+scholarship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069, in which the
+reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the _Timbuctoo Law
+Review_, which, in fairness to the editor (of _Real Property_), is not, of
+course, quoted here. The student will, we have no doubt, feel himself fully
+recompensed by this new matter for the price of the new volumes and the
+depreciation of the 228th edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NERVES ON THE GREEN.
+
+_Irascible Golfer._ "CONFOUND IT! WHAT _IS_ THAT INFERNAL OIL-ENGINE OR
+SOMETHING THAT BEGINS THUMPING WHENEVER I AM PUTTING?"
+
+_Caddie._ "I THINK IT MUST BE T'OTHER GENTLEMAN'S 'EART, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES.
+
+    Residents in the area between the county town and ---- are now able to
+    do their shopping at either place with the maximum of inconvenience so
+    far as travel is concerned."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Just as in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GISH-JINGLE.
+
+    [_The Times_ in a recent article on events in the Film world announces
+    the impending arrival in Europe of Miss DOROTHY GISH, adding, however,
+    that the visit is mainly undertaken for recreation.]
+
+  Let others discourse and descant
+    Upon MANNIX the martyr archbish,
+  Me rather it pleases to chant
+    The arrival of DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  Among the _élite_ of the Screen
+    She holds an exalted posit.;
+  But in Europe she never has been
+    Hitherto, hasn't DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  And it's well to consider aright
+    That she harbours the laudable wish
+  For a holiday, not for the light
+    Of the lime, does Miss DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  None the less with the wildest surmise
+    Do I muse on the bountiful dish
+  Of sensation purveyed for the wise
+    And the foolish by DOROTHY GISH.
+
+         * * * * *
+
+  Will you strengthen the hands of LLOYD GEORGE
+    Or frown on the poor Coalit.?
+  Will you force profiteers to disgorge,
+    Beneficent DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Do you hold by self-governing schools?
+    Do you think that headmasters should swish
+  Or adopt Montessorian rules,
+    Benevolent DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Will they give you an Oxford degree?
+    Will you learn to call marmalade "squish"?
+  Will KENWORTHY ask you to tea
+    On the Terrace, great DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Do you favour the Russ or the Pole?
+    Will you visit the Servians at Nish?
+  Are you sound on the subject of coal?
+    Are you Pussyfoot, DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Are you going to be terribly mobbed
+    When attending the concerts of KRISH?
+  Are your tresses luxuriant or "bobbed"?
+    Do tell us, kind DOROTHY GISH!
+
+  Meanwhile we are moody and mad,
+    Like SAUL the descendant of KISH,
+  Oh, arrive and make everyone glad,
+    Delectable DOROTHY GISH!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Lady Clerk; one accustomed to milk ledgers preferred."--_New
+    Zealand Paper._
+
+But how does one milk a ledger?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLUE MOUNTAINS.
+
+                  A SOUTH INDIAN LOVESONG.
+
+  When the long trick's wearing over and a spell of leave comes due
+  The most'll go back to Blighty to see if their dreams are true;
+  There's some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex
+      downs,
+  There's some that'll cling to the country and some that'll turn to towns;
+  But _I_ know what _I_'ll do, and I'll do it right or wrong,
+  I'll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong.
+
+  Athol's a bonny country and Sussex is good to see,
+  But it's long since I left Blighty and I'm not what I used to be;
+  And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel's fine,
+  And that may be most folk's fancy, but it somehow isn't mine;
+  For _I_ know what _I_ like, and the Land of Heart's Delight
+  For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where I feel right.
+
+  So I'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail
+  And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale,
+  And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore
+  I'll see them hung in the tinted sky and I won't ask for more;
+  For _I_'ll know I'm happy and I'll make my morning prayer
+  Of thanks for the sun on the Blue Mountains and me to be going there.
+
+  The little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need,
+  Crawling its way to Adderly, crawling to Runnymede;
+  And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey's
+      end,
+  And the breeze shall say to me "Brother" and the hills shall hail me
+      "Friend,"
+  While the clear Kateri River sings lovesongs in my ear,
+  And I'll feel "Now I'm home again! Ah! but I'm welcome here."
+
+  Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahs lie
+  And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs
+      my eye;
+  And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood,
+  And the dear sun shining on Ooty, and oh! but I'll find it good;
+  For _I_'ll have what _I_ wanted, and all the worrying done,
+  Because I'm back to the Blue Mountains and they and I are one.
+
+  There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire
+  For minds that are over-weary, for bodies that toil and tire,
+  And over all that a something, a something that says, "You know,
+  It's the one place of all places where the gods meant _you_ to go."
+  Well, the gods know what _they_ know, and I wouldn't say them nay,
+  And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terribly far away,
+  So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the betting is, I'll stay.
+
+  H.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET IN WAILS--A HOWLING SUCCESS.
+
+    "E.H. ---- bawled consistently for the visitors, taking seven wickets
+    of 168."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS.
+
+As a sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-famine, I have started a
+Correspondence Bureau, ostensibly for advising parents as to the pursuits
+their offspring should take up, but really for propaganda purposes, the
+object being the assuagement of this terrible evil.
+
+Consequently my replies to inquiries are all moulded to this end.
+
+For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton:--
+
+"My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent. Do
+please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one whose
+father is a member of the Stock Exchange."
+
+I replied, "Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few more
+lucrative occupations outside Bradford, unless it be that of a builder, in
+which the scope is absolutely unlimited. I am enclosing a copy of last
+week's _Builder and Architect_, in which you will find some great thoughts
+expressed. Pray let Algernon read it. It may be the means of inducing him
+to perform great deeds for England's sake."
+
+Another fond parent wrote:--
+
+"Can you advise an anxious mother as to a career for her only son, John
+William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes and
+fair hair and is a perfect darling, so good and obedient, but he is firmly
+resolved to be a lift-man when he grows up."
+
+I answered her soothingly thus:--
+
+"John Willie is rather young to have made a final decision, I think. Let
+his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, liftman, engine-
+driver, bus-conductor, sailor, etc. At fifteen or so he will have left
+these behind, and for the next few years will probably settle down to the
+idea of being nothing in particular, or else a professional cricketer. Then
+he will suddenly, for good or evil, make his choice. Neither his blue eyes
+nor his fair hair give any clue as to what that choice will be, but I
+should let him keep both, as they may be useful to him.
+
+"If he should determine upon a career involving manual work, I should take
+steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying. At the
+rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight per
+week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the time he
+arrives at bricklaying maturity.
+
+"It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to graduate in Commerce
+before being eligible, but probably it would be necessary, as the best
+bricklayers, I'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is a sort of
+caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to keep
+outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs bricklayers, and
+will go on needing them for years. Let John Willie step forward when he is
+old enough."
+
+To the mother who asked if I considered that her youngest boy would be well
+advised to adopt the Housebreaking profession I wrote:--
+
+"To which part of this profession do you refer? If to the Burgling branch I
+would ask, 'Has he the iron nerve, the indomitable will, above all has he
+the brain power for this exacting craft? Can he stand the exposure to the
+night air, the exposure before an Assize jury, and the rigours of the
+Portland stone quarries?' If so, let him take a course of illustrated
+lectures at the cinema.
+
+"If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down of houses, I say,
+'No! A thousand times, no!' He should be taught that there is a crying need
+for a constructive, not a destructive policy. Let him adopt one; buy him
+drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, and teach him that the noblest work
+of creation is (unless it be a bricklayer or builder) an architect. Though
+the War is over we must still keep the home fires burning. This implies
+chimneys, and chimneys imply houses, and few there be that can plan houses
+that will both please the eye and pass the local authorities."
+
+Lady Jubb wrote from Toffley Hall, Blankshire, to say that her elder son
+(seventeen) had no ideas for the future beyond becoming Master of the
+Barchester when he grew up, but that she was anxious that he should try for
+some more lucrative post, official preferred.
+
+I replied thus:--
+
+"So your son looks no higher than a Mastership of Foxhounds. Well, well, I
+suppose that so long as there are such things as hounds he, as well as
+another, may take on the job of Master.
+
+"But I thoroughly approve of your desire that he should try for something
+higher in life, especially for some official post; and what official post
+is or can be superior to that of a Borough Surveyor? Can you not persuade
+him that this great office is what one chooses to make it, and that, as an
+autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be compared to the B.S., for, whereas the
+former can at the most scorch the few people foolish enough to remain
+within ear-shot, the latter can with a breath damn a whole row of houses
+and blast the careers of an army of builders with a word."
+
+And so the propaganda proceeds.
+
+If my efforts result in even one house being erected I shall, I think, have
+earned my O.B.E., though I would rather have the house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _My Lady Bountiful._ "SO YOUR MOTHER IS BETTER THROUGH
+TAKING THE QUININE I GAVE HER?"
+
+_Little Girl_ (_doing her best to carry out instructions_). "YES'M. BUT SHE
+SAYS SHE'S WORSE OF THE COMPLAINT WOT YOU GIVES 'ER PORT WINE FOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TERRITORIAL.
+
+  Oh, civil life is fine and free, with no one to obey,
+  No sergeants shouting, "Show a leg!" or "Double up!" all day;
+  No buttons to be polished, no army boots to wear,
+  And nobody to tick you off because you grow your hair.
+
+  It's great to sleep beneath a roof that keeps the rain outside,
+  To eat a daintier kind of grub than quarter-blokes provide,
+  To rise o' mornings when you wish and when you wish turn in,
+  To shirk a shave and never hear the truth about your chin;
+
+  And not to have to pad the hoof through blazing sun or rain,
+  Intent on getting nowhere and foot-slogging back again,
+  To realise no N.C.O. has any more the right
+  To rob you of your beauty-sleep with "Guard to-morrow night!"
+
+  All this is great, of course it is, yet here we are once more
+  Obeying sergeants just for fun and cheerier than before;
+  We haven't any good excuse, we've got no war to win--
+  But nothing's touched the kit-bag yet for packing troubles in.
+
+  W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TASTE OF AUTHORITY.
+
+I have often wished I were an expert at something. How I envy the man who,
+before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the proffered
+sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells it at close
+quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very brave, pulls out
+a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the tailor, abashed and
+discomfited, produces for the lucky expert from the interior of his
+premises that choice bale of pre-war quality which he was keeping for his
+own use.
+
+I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening.
+Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help me.
+
+"My dear fellow," he said, "in these days of specialisation one has to be
+brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth or
+canaries or bathroom tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a
+moment."
+
+"Can you help me?" I asked.
+
+"As regards tea, I can," he replied. "Jorkins over there is in the tea
+business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of
+tea-tasting."
+
+"I should be awfully glad if you would," said I. "We never get any decent
+tea at home."
+
+Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and efficient character. I saw
+Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow.
+
+"Watch me carefully," said Jorkins, "and listen to what I say. Take a
+little leaf into the palm of your left hand. Rub it lightly with the
+fingers and gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose and snuff up strongly.
+Pick out a strand and bite through the leaf slowly with the front teeth,
+thus. Just after biting pass the tip of the tongue behind the front teeth
+and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. Sorry I must go
+now. Good day."
+
+Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times
+before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look
+which Jorkins wore during the operation.
+
+At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers of
+teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and began
+the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and gazed at it
+earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a strand and
+bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after biting I
+passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate, completing
+the act of deglutition.
+
+So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to
+accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was up
+against one of the mandarins of the trade. So I said with severity, "Please
+don't show me any more common stuff; I want the best you have."
+
+The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was
+evidently about to speak.
+
+"Kindly refrain from expostulating," I went on; "content yourself with
+showing me your finest blend."
+
+He went away to the back of the shop, muttering; clearly he recognised
+defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest.
+
+"Try this," said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled rage.
+
+I took a handful and once more went through the whole ceremony. It was
+nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of my
+performance I assumed a look of satisfaction. "Give me five pounds of
+that," said I with the air of a conqueror.
+
+Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success.
+
+"Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, did he?"
+
+"He did. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to
+deglute--everything."
+
+"And with what result?"
+
+"With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the finest tea
+that the greatest experts have blended from the combined products of Assam
+and China."
+
+"Tea?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, tea of course. You didn't suppose that I was talking of oysters?"
+
+"Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Alured," said my wife, "I wish you wouldn't buy things for the house. That
+tea is low-grade sweepings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LE GRAND PENSEUR.
+
+(_With apologies to the late AUGUSTE RODIN._)
+
+ADVERTISING ENTHUSIAST ON HIS HOLIDAY SEEKING INSPIRATION FOR A NEW
+ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he
+    turned the first sot of the new university."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Turned him out, we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that a
+    nation was known by its soul and not by its asses."--_South African
+    Paper._
+
+Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past braying
+for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The doings (or rather sayings!) in the Legislature we are watching
+    with sympathy and some impatience, much as a bachelor bears with the
+    gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before
+    dinner."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+And the worst of it is that the Legislature is gambling with _our_ money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss ----, director of natural science studies at Newnham College,
+    Oxford, will preside."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We are glad to hear of this new women's college at Oxford, but surely they
+might have chosen a more original name for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.G.J. writes: "Your picture of 'Come unto these Yellow Sands' in the
+number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following
+line, 'The Wild Waves Whist.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU AT CHURCH FOR TWO SUNDAYS, JOHN."
+
+"NO, SIR. NO OFFENCE T'YOU, BUT OI A-BIN DOIN' T' CHAPEL PASSON'S GARDEN,
+SO MISSUS THOUGHT WE'D BETTER GIVE 'IM A TURN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+To review one of Mr. E.F. BENSON'S social satires always gives me somewhat
+the sensations of the reporter at the special sermon--a relieved
+consciousness that, being present on business, my own withers may be
+supposed professionally unwrung. Otherwise, so exploratory a lash.... I
+seldom recall the touch of it more shrewd than in _Queen Lucia_
+(HUTCHINSON), an altogether delightful castigation of those persons whom a
+false rusticity causes to change a good village into the sham-bucolic home
+of crazes, fads and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the
+Riseholme community has its centre in _Mrs. Lucas_, the acknowledged queen
+of the place (_Lucia_ = wife of _Lucas_, which shows you the character of
+her empire in a single touch); the matter of the tale is to tell how her
+autocracy was threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish I had space to
+quote the description of the _Lucas_ home, "converted" from two genuine
+cottages, to which had been added a wing at right-angles, even more
+Elizabethan than the original, and a yew-hedge, "brought entire from a
+neighbouring farm and transplanted with solid lumps of earth and indignant
+snails around its roots." Perhaps, apart from the joy of the setting, you
+may find some of the incidents, the faith-healer, the medium and so on, a
+trifle obvious for Mr. BENSON. More worthy of him is the central episode--
+the arrival as a Riseholme resident of _Olga Bracely_, the operatic star of
+international fame. Her talk, her attitude towards the place, and the
+subtle contrast suggested by her between the genuine and the pretence, show
+Mr. BENSON at his light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, in
+speaking of which you will observe I have not once so much as mentioned the
+word "Cotswolds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Michael Forth_ (CONSTABLE) will doubtless convey a wonderful message to
+those of us who are clever enough to grasp its meaning; but I fear that it
+will be a disappointment to many admirers of Miss MARY JOHNSTON'S earlier
+books. Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to follow this
+excursion into the region of metaphysics; indeed I felt as if I had fallen
+into the hands of a guide whose language I could only dimly and dully
+understand. All of which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that
+you should sample _Michael_ for yourselves and see what you can make of
+him. Miss JOHNSTON shouldered an unnecessarily heavy burden when she
+decided to tell the story of her hero in the first person, but in relating
+_Michael's_ childhood in his Virginian home she is at her simplest and
+best. Afterwards, when _Michael_ became intent on going "deeper and deeper
+within," he succeeded so well that he concealed himself from me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and heartily approve
+the growing fashion of publishing or republishing them in volume form, I am
+the more jealous that the good repute of this practice should be preserved
+from damage by association with unworthy material. I'm afraid this is a
+somewhat ominous introduction to a notice of _The Eve of Pascua_
+(HEINEMANN), in which, to be brutally frank, I found little justification
+for even such longevity as modern paper conditions permit. "RICHARD DEHAN"
+is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of the public, but none of the
+tales in this collection will do anything to add to the debt. The best is
+perhaps a very short and quite happily told little jest called "An
+Impression," about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing herself as
+interpreted by an Impressionist painter. There is also a sufficiently
+picturesque piece of Wardour Street medievalism in "The Tribute of the
+Kiss," and some original scenery in "The Mother of Turquoise." But beyond
+this (though I searched diligently) nothing; indeed worse, since more than
+one of the remaining tales, notably "Wanted, a King" and "The End of the
+Cotillion," are so preposterous that their inclusion here can only be
+attributed to the most cynical indifference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the ingredients of _Irish
+Stew_ (SKEFFINGTON) are in fact Irish, and though Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS is
+best known as a novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and
+traditional horses, I am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adventures of
+_Mr. Jones_, trusted employé of _Mosenthals and Co._, better than Mrs.
+CONYERS' stage Irishmen. "Our Mr. Jones" is neither a _Sherlock Holmes_ nor
+an _Aristide Pujol_, neither a _Father Brown_ nor a _Bob Pretty_, but
+nevertheless he is an engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs.
+CONYERS' hunting _clientèle_ may much prefer to read about the dishonesties
+of _Con Cassidy_ and his fellow-horse-copers and the simple but heroic
+_O'Toole_ and his supernatural friends. But, as the average Irish hunting
+man cares little more for books than he does for bill-collectors, his
+preference may not be of paramount importance. In any case the Irish
+ingredients of _Irish Stew_ would be easier to assimilate if Mrs. CONYERS
+would refrain from trying to spell English as the Irish speak it. If the
+reader knows Ireland it is unnecessary and merely makes reading a task. If
+the reader does not know Ireland no amount of phonetic spelling will
+reproduce a single one of the multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with
+sound and empty it of sense. On the whole Mrs. CONYERS' public will not be
+disappointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it is _Mr. Jones_ who will
+give them their money's worth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was, I confess, a little sceptical--you know how it is--when I read what
+Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON'S official reviewer said of Mr. HAL. G.
+EVARTS' _The Cross-Pull_: "The best dog story since The Call of the Wild,"
+etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr. EVARTS' hero,
+_Flash_, is a noble beast of mixed strain--grey wolf, coyote, dog. The
+Cross-Pull is the conflict between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to
+his master and mistress whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf
+whose proper business is to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most
+tamed brutes he is involved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate
+outlaws, among whom is his chief enemy, and he is fortunate enough to serve
+the state while pursuing to a successful end his bitter private quarrel.
+Brute _Brent_ gets and deserves the kind of bite which was planned by a
+far-seeing providence for the elk.... You can tell when an author really
+loves and knows animals or is merely "putting it on." Mr. EVARTS
+understands, sentimentalises less than most interpreters; seems to know a
+good deal. The story loses no interest from being set in the American
+hinterland of a few decades ago. All real animal lovers should get this
+book--they should really.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it is, to state what
+is obvious in regard to a subject while creating by the manner of the
+statement an impression of its subtler features, then Mr. PERCY BROWN, in
+writing _Germany in Dissolution_ (MELROSE), has proved himself a true
+artist. For in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the
+Spartacist rising certain things happened which got themselves safely into
+the newspapers, and these he sets forth, mostly in headline form. Beyond
+this Germany was a seething muddle of contradictions and cross-purposes,
+which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably reflected in his pages. Mr.
+BROWN is a journalist of the school that does not stick at a trifle, a
+German prison, for instance, when his dear public wants news. His crowning
+achievement was to persuade Dr. SOLF, when Foreign Minister, to send
+through the official wireless an account of an interview with himself,
+which would, as he (SOLF) fondly hoped, help to bamboozle British public
+opinion. When the article appeared, so well had the author's editor read
+between the lines of the message that the journalist had to run for his
+life. He was particularly fortunate too, or clever, in getting in touch
+with the Kiel sailors who set the revolution going, but in spite of much
+excellent material, mostly of the "scoop" interview variety, nothing much
+ever seems to come of it all, and we are left at the end about as wise as
+we started. All the same, much of the book's detail is interesting, however
+little satisfaction it offers as a whole.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Ann's First Flutter_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) will not arouse any commotion in
+the dovecotes of the intellectually elect, but it provides an amusing
+entertainment for those who can appreciate broad and emphatic humour. Mr.
+R.A. HAMBLIN has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my only quarrel
+with him is that I believe him to have a subtler sense of humour than he
+reveals here. _Ann_ was a grocer's daughter, and after her attempt to
+flutter for herself had failed she married _Tom Bampfield_, a grocer's son.
+_Tom_ had literary ambitions, and was the author of a novel which his
+father thought pernicious enough to destroy his custom. Strange however to
+relate, the novel failed to destroy anything except the author's future as
+a novelist, and when _Tom_ did succeed in making some pen-money it was by
+means of a series of funny articles in _The Dry Goods Gazette_--articles so
+violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated them.
+Mr. HAMBLIN'S fun, let me add, is never ill-natured. Even bilious grocers
+will not resent his jovial invasion of their kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRUDENT LOVER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "City gunsmiths have been busy these days furbishing up sportsmen's
+    rifles for the '12th.'"--_Scotch Paper._
+
+Personally we use a machine-gun.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, August 18th, 1920.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2005 [EBook #16707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>August 18th, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>
+
+  <p>The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the
+  newly-rich has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"A few hours in Cork," says a <i>Daily Mail</i> correspondent, "will
+  convince anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be
+  explained, is one in which the civilians are at war but the military are
+  not.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day
+  nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to
+  goad the military forces in Ireland to reprisals.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know
+  somebody who butted in later.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It
+  will be noticed that they are very still.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that
+  it would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and
+  ten seconds to count one day's circulation of <i>The Daily Mail</i>."
+  Holiday-makers waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try
+  it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Coloured grocery sugars, the <font class="sc">Food Controller</font>
+  announces, are to be freed from control on September 6th. A coloured
+  grocery is one in which the grocer is not as black as he is painted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the
+  question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable
+  sign is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world
+  residence."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an
+  unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence
+  of any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will
+  probably be granted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the
+  Willesden Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The
+  man may be a model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted
+  we should want to know what he does with that fourpence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans
+  for eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than
+  three families will be allowed to live in one van.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Three times in four days," says a <i>Daily Express</i> report, "a
+  Parisian has thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports
+  point out that all is now quiet, as the fellow has found his
+  collar-stud.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a
+  better plan would be to get Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> to
+  give it to you.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to
+  wage war without the enemy complaining of headache.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so
+  that they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice
+  to know that should an article not come back again you will be able to
+  assure yourself that it was yours.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large
+  numbers. It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still
+  sold in lengths.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car
+  to-day. It is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the
+  rising cost of pedestrian.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway
+  buffet, discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves
+  tried to break into a railway sandwich.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It
+  is feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of
+  running out.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six,"
+  says a news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her
+  parents' consent.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even
+  threepence it contains three times the number of currants," announces an
+  evening paper. This should mean three currants in each bun.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire
+  last week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all
+  children under fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept
+  indoors, whilst local golfers have been sent out to act as decoys.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be
+  christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet
+  been broken to the unfortunate infant.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/117.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Exasperated Partner.</i> "<font class="sc">Look here&mdash;don't
+    you ever get your service into the right court?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Partner.</i> "<font class="sc">No, as a matter of fact I don't.
+    But it would be absolutely unplayable if I did.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Result of a Leap-Year.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Bishop &mdash;&mdash; says he will not be able to consider any more
+  proposals for engagements till after the summer of 1921."&mdash;<i>Local
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><font class="sc">An Echo from Bisley.</font>&mdash;A musical
+  correspondent writes to point out that sol-faists have an unfair
+  advantage in the running-deer competition, because they are always
+  practising with a "movable Doh."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>
+
+<h2>FROM SPA AND SHORE.</h2>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Grogtown</font>.&mdash;All available accommodation
+  has been monopolised by Glasborough visitors, among whom this resort is
+  becoming more alarmingly popular every year. Sixty charabancs arrived on
+  Monday and the Riot Act was read several times before the passengers
+  could be induced to desist from their badinage of the residents, most of
+  whom have since retired behind the wire-entanglements at Kelrose. The
+  municipal orchestra was subjected to a brisk fusillade of rock-cakes on
+  Saturday night; the conductor and several of the instrumentalists
+  suffered contusions, and their performances have since been discontinued.
+  This has not unnaturally given rise to a certain amount of
+  dissatisfaction amongst the visitors, but otherwise there has been no
+  recrudescence of rioting. A company of the Caithness Highlanders, with
+  machine-guns, are now encamped on the links, and sunshine is all that is
+  needed to complete the success of the season.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Kegness</font>.&mdash;On Tuesday the Mayor presented
+  a jar of whisky, fifty years old, to the winning charabanc team in the
+  bottle-throwing competition, and the subsequent scenes afforded much
+  diversion. A notable feature at present is a large whale, which was
+  washed ashore in a gale about six months ago. The oldest inhabitants
+  declare that they have never known anything like it, and it is certainly
+  an unforgettable experience to be anywhere within a mile of this
+  apparently immovable derelict. Excursions to all surrounding places out
+  of nose-shot are extremely popular, and the beach is practically deserted
+  save by a few juvenile natives engaged in the blubber industry.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Mudhall Spa</font>.&mdash;Without the least
+  reflection on chalybeates and the rest, it must be allowed that the most
+  popular beverage in Mudhall at present is that which draws its virtue
+  from a cereal and not a mineral source. Hilarity is rife at all hours,
+  and the effort to enlist a body of local volunteers to control the
+  exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian "charabankers" is meeting with unexpected
+  support. The casualties in the daily collisions between the Hydropathic
+  League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot-Guards are steadily increasing and now
+  compare favourably with those of any other Midland health-resort.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"A Boylston (Massachusetts) farm labourer is said to havt bees
+  identified as one of the heirs to a £400,000 estate at Dundte, for whom
+  starches have betn made for years, but nothing is known at Dundee of such
+  an estate."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>But this lucid paragraph should help to clear up the mystery.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AMONG THE PEDESTALS.</h2>
+
+  <p>The rumour that a number of London's statues are to be moved to make
+  room for new has caused many a marble heart to beat faster; and on making
+  a round of calls I gathered that Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font>
+  has few friends in stone or bronze circles. Not the least uneasy is
+  George IV. in Trafalgar Square. Uneasiness of body he has always known,
+  riding there for ever without any stirrups; but now his mind is uneasy
+  too. "If they take Father from Cockspur Street," he argued very
+  naturally, "why not me?"</p>
+
+  <p>A few of the figures feel secure, of course, but very few. Nelson on
+  his column has no fears; Nurse Cavell is too recent to tremble; so is
+  Abraham Lincoln. But the others? They are in a state of nervous suspense,
+  wondering if the sentence of banishment is to fall and resenting any
+  disturbance of their lives. "<i>J'y suis, j'y reste</i>" is their
+  motto.</p>
+
+  <p>Abraham Lincoln gave me a hearty welcome and extended an invitation
+  that is not within the power of any other graven image in the city. "Take
+  a chair," he said.</p>
+
+  <p>I did so and am thus, I suppose, the first Londoner to put that
+  comfortable piece of furniture to its proper use.</p>
+
+  <p>"How do you like being here?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>He said that he enjoyed it. The only blot on his pleasure was the fear
+  that the Abbey might fall on him, and he therefore hoped that <i>The
+  Times'</i> fund was progressing by leaps and bounds.</p>
+
+  <p>His immediate neighbours, on the contrary, exhibited no serenity
+  whatever, and I found Canning and Palmerston shivering with apprehension
+  in their frockcoats. The worst of it was that I could say nothing to
+  reassure them.</p>
+
+  <p>Here and there, however, a desire for locomotion was expressed. Dr.
+  Johnson, in the enclosure behind St. Clement Danes, is very restive. I
+  asked him if he would object to removal. "Sir," said the Little
+  Lexicographer (as his sculptor has made him), "I should derive
+  satisfaction from it. A man cannot be considered as enviable who spends
+  all his time in the contemplation, from an unvacatable position, of a
+  street to the perambulation of which he devoted many of his happiest
+  hours."</p>
+
+  <p>I ventured to agree.</p>
+
+  <p>"Nor," continued the sage, "is it a source of contentment to a man of
+  integrity to observe an unceasing procession of Americans on their way to
+  partake of pudding in a hostelry that has made its name and prosperity
+  out of a mythical association with himself and be unable to correct the
+  error."</p>
+
+  <p>"Are you in general in favour of statuary?" I made bold to ask.</p>
+
+  <p>"Painting," said he, "consumes labour not disproportionate to its
+  effect; but a fellow will hack half a year at a block of marble to make
+  something in stone that hardly resembles a man. Look around you; look at
+  me. The value of statuary is owing to its difficulty. You would not value
+  the finest head cut upon a carrot."</p>
+
+  <p>But one effect of this General Post among the statues is good, and it
+  should delight Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>. Cromwell, now outside
+  Westminster Hall, is to be moved into the House.</p>
+
+<p class="author">E.V.L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="center">FLOWERS' NAMES.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Marigolds</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>As <font class="sc">Mary</font> was a-walking</p>
+      <p class="i2">All on a summer day,</p>
+      <p>The flowers all stood curtseying</p>
+      <p class="i2">And bowing in her way;</p>
+      <p>The blushing poppies hung their heads</p>
+      <p class="i2">And whispered <font class="sc">Mary's</font> name,</p>
+      <p>And all the wood anemones</p>
+      <p class="i2">Hung down their heads in shame.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The violet hid behind her leaves</p>
+      <p class="i2">And veiled her timid face,</p>
+      <p>And all the flowers bowed a-down,</p>
+      <p class="i2">For holy was the place.</p>
+      <p>Only a little common flower</p>
+      <p class="i2">Looked boldly up and smiled</p>
+      <p>To see the happy mother come</p>
+      <p class="i2">A-carrying her Child.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The little Child He laughed aloud</p>
+      <p class="i2">To see the smiling flower,</p>
+      <p>And as He laughed the Marigold</p>
+      <p class="i2">Turned gold in that same hour.</p>
+      <p>For she was gay and innocent&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">He loved to see her so&mdash;</p>
+      <p>And from the splendour of His face</p>
+      <p class="i2">She caught a golden glow.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>An Optimist.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"I have just completed a fortnight's tour on a tandem, and can
+  recommend this form of a holiday as the best I know of.... One Sunday in
+  June, without exaggeration, I was nearly killed twice, and my wife was
+  overcome with fright."&mdash;<i>C.T.C. Gazette.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, three children caught 182 green
+  wasps."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>It is believed that they would not have been caught if they had not
+  been green.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <p>From a recent Admiralty Order:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C. Officers and
+  men (Royal Marines) during the current year, for walking out purposes
+  only."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>It is believed that His Majesty's Jollies have received the order
+  without enthusiasm, on the ground that no mention is made of anything
+  being inside the frocks.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>THE ICONOCLAST.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Sir Alfred Mond.</font> "I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO
+    DISTURB YOUR MAJESTY, BUT, OWING TO THE SHORTAGE OF SITES&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">George III.</font> "SHORTAGE OF SIGHTS,
+    INDEED!"</p>
+
+    <p>[It is understood that a number of London statues, including that of
+    George III. in Cockspur Street, are to be removed by the Office of
+    Works to make room for new ones.]</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/120.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center"><i>Heavy Father.</i> "<font class="sc">Put your 'at
+    on this minute, Sir. Do you want to catch your deathercold?</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE VISIONARY.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>'Twas last week at Pebble Bay</p>
+      <p class="i2">That I saw the little goat,</p>
+      <p>Harnessed to a little shay.</p>
+      <p class="i2">Old was he and poor in coat,</p>
+      <p>And he lugged his load along</p>
+      <p>Where the barefoot children throng</p>
+      <p>Round the nigger minstrels' song.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But his eye, aloof and chill,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Said to me as plain as plain,</p>
+      <p>"I am waiting, waiting still,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Till the gods come back again;</p>
+      <p>Starved and ugly, mean, unkempt,</p>
+      <p>I have dreams by you undreamt,</p>
+      <p>And&mdash;I hold you in contempt!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"Dreams of forest routs that trooped,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Shadowy maidens crowned with vines,</p>
+      <p>Dreams where Dian's self has stooped</p>
+      <p class="i2">Darkling 'neath the scented pines;</p>
+      <p>Or where he, old father Pan,</p>
+      <p>Took the hooves of me and ran</p>
+      <p>Fluting through the heart of man.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"Surely he must come again,</p>
+      <p class="i2">He the great, the hornéd one?</p>
+      <p>Shan't I caper in his train</p>
+      <p class="i2">Through the hours of feast and fun!"</p>
+      <p>And he looked with eyes of jade</p>
+      <p>Through the sunshine, through the shade,</p>
+      <p>Far beyond Marine Parade.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">* * * * *</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Should you go to Pebble Bay,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Golfing or to bathe and boat&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Should you see a loaded shay,</p>
+      <p class="i2">In the shafts a scarecrow goat,</p>
+      <p>Tell him that you hope (with me)</p>
+      <p>Pan will shortly set him free,</p>
+      <p>Pipe him home to Arcady.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>CRICKET NOTES.</h3>
+
+  <p>Mr. P.F. <font class="sc">Warner</font> has received countless
+  expressions of regret on his retirement from first-class cricket. Among
+  these he values not least a "round robin" from the sparrows at Lord's,
+  all of whom he knows by name. In the score-book of Fate is this entry in
+  letters of gold:</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"Plum" <i>c</i> Anno <i>b</i> Domini 47.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+  <p>Long may he live to enjoy the cricket of others!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The test team of Australia being now complete, all correspondence on
+  the subject of its exclusions must cease. We therefore do not print a
+  number of letters asking why there is no one named Geddes on the
+  side.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Fender</font> and <font class="sc">Hobbs</font>
+  are said to be actuated by the same motto, "For Hearth and Home." Both
+  are pledged to return covered with "the ashes."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In the recent Surrey and Middlesex match Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Skeet</font> bewildered the crowd by fielding as if he liked
+  it. Hitherto this vulgar manifestation has been confined to <font
+  class="sc">Hitch</font> and <font class="sc">Hendren</font>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Although so late in the season Yorkshire has great hopes of a colt
+  named <font class="sc">Hirst</font>, who has just joined the side. He was
+  seen bowling at Eton and was secured at once.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>There is a strong feeling in Worcestershire that a single-wicket match
+  between <font class="sc">Lee</font> of Middlesex and Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Perrin</font> of Essex would be a very saucy affair.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">"<font class="sc">The Unknown.</font>"</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Somerset Maugham</font>, who recently intrigued
+  and perhaps just a little scandalised the town with a most engagingly
+  flippant and piquant farce all about an accidentally bigamous beauty,
+  certainly shows courage in launching so serious a discussion as <i>The
+  Unknown</i>. And in the silly season too. I see that in a quite unlikely
+  interview (but then all modern interviews are unlikely) he defends his
+  right to discuss religion quite openly on the stage. Of course. Why
+  should anybody deny that religion is to the normally constituted mind,
+  whatever its doxy, an absorbingly interesting subject; or that the War
+  hasn't made a breach in the barriers of British reticence? Whether to the
+  point of making a perfectly good married Vicar (anxious to convict a
+  doubting D.S.O. of sin) ask in a full drawing-room containing the
+  Vicaress, the Doctor and the D.S.O.'s fiancée, mother and father, "For
+  instance, have you always been perfectly chaste?"&mdash;I am not so sure.
+  Nor whether the War has really added to bereaved <i>Mrs. Littlewood's</i>
+  bitter "And who is going to forgive God?" any added force. If that kind
+  of question is to be asked at all it might have been asked, and with
+  perhaps more justice, at any time within the historical period. For the
+  War might reasonably be attributed by the Unknown Defendant thus starkly
+  put upon trial to man's deliberate folly, whereas....</p>
+
+  <p>No doubt, however, Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham</font> would say the
+  shock of war has (like any other great catastrophe) tested the faith of
+  many who are personally deeply stricken and found it wanting, while the
+  whisper of doubt has swelled the more readily as there are many to echo
+  it. So <i>Major John Wharton, D.S.O., M.C.</i>, having found war,
+  contrary to his expectation of it as the most glorious manly sport in the
+  world, a "muddy, mad, stinking, bloody business," loses the faith of his
+  youth and says so, not with bravado but with regret. The Vicar, with
+  dignity and restraint, but without much understanding and not without
+  some hoary <i>clichés</i>; his wife, with venom (suggesting also
+  incidentally sound argument for the celibacy of the clergy); the old
+  <i>Colonel</i> and his sweet unselfish wife, with affection; and
+  <i>Sylvia</i>, <i>John's</i> betrothed, with a strange passion, defend
+  the old faith, <i>Sylvia</i> to the point of breaking with her lover and
+  getting her to a nunnery&mdash;a business which will in the end, I should
+  guess, lay a heavier burden upon the nuns than upon <i>John</i>. The
+  indecisive battle sways hither and thither. It is the <i>Doctor</i> who
+  sums up in a compromise which would shock the metaphysical theologian,
+  but may suffice for the plain man, "God is merciful but not omnipotent.
+  In His age-long fight against evil we can help&mdash;or hinder; why not
+  help?"</p>
+
+  <p>The most signal thing was Miss <font class="sc">Haidée Wright's</font>
+  personal triumph as <i>Mrs. Littlewood</i>&mdash;a very fine
+  interpretation of an interesting character. Mr. <font class="sc">Charles
+  V. France</font> adds another decent Colonel to his military repertory.
+  This actor always plays with distinction and with an ease of which the
+  art is so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of his due meed of
+  applause from the unperceptive. Lady <font class="sc">Tree</font> made a
+  beautiful thing of the character of <i>Mrs. Wharton</i>, whose simple
+  unselfishness was the best of all Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham's</font>
+  arguments for the defence. Mr. R.H. <font class="sc">Hignett</font> nobly
+  restrained himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept enough of
+  the distinctive flavour to excite a passionate anti-clerical behind me
+  into clamorously derisive laughter; a very good piece of work. Miss <font
+  class="sc">O'Malley</font> acted a difficult, almost an impossibly
+  difficult, part with a fine distinction. Mr. <font class="sc">Basil
+  Rathbone's</font> <i>Major</i> and Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Blakiston's</font> <i>Doctor</i> were excellent. I am sorry to
+  be so monotonously approving....</p>
+
+  <p>I am not convinced that Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham's</font>
+  experiment has succeeded.</p>
+
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Mr. &mdash;&mdash; maintained that it was extraordinuary that if he
+  was only slightly dead deceased did not hear the lorry."&mdash;<i>Local
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Most extraordinuary.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%" src="images/121.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Generous Stranger.</i> "<font class="sc">Will you have another
+    pint?</font> (<i>No answer.</i>) <font class="sc">I say&mdash;will you
+    have another pint?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hodge.</i> "<font class="sc">Don't 'ee ask zilly questions. Order
+    it.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>
+
+<h2>THE MYSTERY.</h2>
+
+  <p>George and I are two ordinary people. He studies the Weather Reports
+  every day; I do occasionally. He thinks he understands meteorology; I
+  don't. But lately I felt that I <i>must</i> have some explanation of the
+  weather, so I asked George to explain it.</p>
+
+  <p>He said, "Certainly; it's quite simple. Take wind. Wind is caused by
+  differences of <i>pressure</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>"What <i>is</i> pressure? Who is pressing what?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Pressure is what the barometer tells you&mdash;not the thermometer;
+  you must keep the thermometer out of this. Suppose it is very hot in
+  London&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Don't be ridiculous."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, suppose it is very hot at a place A&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"I thought we were keeping the thermometer out of this."</p>
+
+  <p>"It comes in indirectly. But don't keep interrupting. If it is very
+  hot at the place A, the air at A rises. You see?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No."</p>
+
+  <p>"Obviously it does. If you light a candle&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, yes, I do see that. Don't begin about candles."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, the result of that is that there is less <i>pressure</i> at A.
+  In other words, there is more room for the air to move about. When that
+  happens the air at the place B&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Where is that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh anywhere. I told you to think of two places, A and B."</p>
+
+  <p>"No, you told me to think of a place A, and I am still thinking of it,
+  because it is very hot there."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, this is another place, where the pressure is simply frightful.
+  When the air rises at A the air from B rushes over to A to fill up the
+  gap, and that is what we call wind."</p>
+
+  <p>"I see."</p>
+
+  <p>"No, you don't. It isn't quite so simple as that. Now, the atoms of
+  air rushing from B to A don't go <i>straight</i> there, but they travel
+  in&mdash;in sort of <i>circles</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>"Why do they do that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, the fact is that these atoms are so keen to get over to A,
+  where there is plenty of room, that they jostle each other, and that
+  makes them go round and round. If they go round and round <i>against</i>
+  the clock, like that, they are called cyclones, or depressions, or
+  low-pressure systems. If they go with the clock, like that, it is an
+  anti-cyclone."</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh!"</p>
+
+  <p>"What do you mean&mdash;'Oh'?"</p>
+
+  <p>"What I said; but go on."</p>
+
+  <p>"Now suppose this air&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Which air?"</p>
+
+  <p>"The air from B. Suppose it is travelling in a cyclone&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"But isn't a cyclone a low-pressure thingummy?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes."</p>
+
+  <p>"And didn't you say that B was a high-pressure place?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes."</p>
+
+  <p>"Then how does the air coming from B manage to be low-pressure
+  stuff?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I see what you mean. There <i>is</i> an explanation, but it would
+  take too long to hazard it now. Suppose the air is coming from B in an
+  anti-cyclone, then ..."</p>
+
+  <p>"All right. I'll suppose that."</p>
+
+  <p>"... it rushes over to A and fills up the gap. There is more pressure
+  at A and the barometer goes up&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Is it fine then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it rains. You see, the air from B is colder than the air at A was
+  before the air came from B."</p>
+
+  <p>"I <i>don't</i> see."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, obviously it <i>must</i> be."</p>
+
+  <p>"How 'obviously'?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, the whole thing started with it being very hot at A, you
+  remember, so that the air rose. If it had been hotter still at B just
+  then the air would have risen at B instead, and it couldn't have rushed
+  over to A. There'd have been a frightful muddle."</p>
+
+  <p>"There is."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, it's your own fault for interrupting. This air,
+  then&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Which air is this?"</p>
+
+  <p>"The air from B. The air from B cools the air at A&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"But I thought the air at A had risen."</p>
+
+  <p>"Not all of it. And that makes it rain."</p>
+
+  <p>"Why?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, well, I can't go into that. It's something to do with
+  condensation. Air absorbs more moisture when it is hot than when it is
+  cold&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"So do I. I understand that."</p>
+
+  <p>"When the air cools the water condenses."</p>
+
+  <p>"Is it fine then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it rains, you fool."</p>
+
+  <p>"When is it fine?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Wait a bit. The falling of the rain of course generates
+  heat&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why 'of course'?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I can't explain <i>exactly</i>, but you know perfectly well that it's
+  always warmer on a cold day after the rain."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, but not on a hot day."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, it is."</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it isn't."</p>
+
+  <p>"It is, really. Anyhow, this is a cold day."</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it isn't. You said it was very hot at A."</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm not going to argue. You must take it from me that rain generates
+  heat."</p>
+
+  <p>"All right. Is it fine then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No. Heat being generated the air rises. The result of that is that
+  there is less <i>pressure</i> at A&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Is it fine then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I've explained already what happens then. The air from B&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Do we begin all over again now?"</p>
+
+  <p>"More or less, yes."</p>
+
+  <p>"So that at this place, A, it's always raining or just going to
+  rain?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, if it starts by being hot there, as it did just now, I suppose
+  it is."</p>
+
+  <p>"What happens if it starts by being cold?"</p>
+
+  <p>"It rains. I've explained that. The cold air can't contain so much
+  moisture&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Don't begin that again. What about B? Is it any good going there? We
+  had frightfully high pressure there at one time."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, but it rains so much at A that more and more air rushes from B
+  to A to fill up the gap caused by the air rising on account of the heat
+  generated by the rain falling, and very soon you get frightfully low
+  pressure at B&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Is it fine then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it rains."</p>
+
+  <p>"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at
+  B?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at
+  B."</p>
+
+  <p>"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?"</p>
+
+  <p>"From the place C."</p>
+
+  <p>"Is it fine there?"</p>
+
+  <p>"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A."</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it <i>must</i>
+  rain."</p>
+
+  <p>"More or less, yes. More really."</p>
+
+  <p>"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to
+  go?"</p>
+
+  <p>"There is a place, D&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"What happens there?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary
+  depressions."</p>
+
+  <p>"Then where do you advise me to go?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I
+  have."</p>
+
+  <p>"I think you have. I understand it now."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I hope you all do.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A.P.H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Sir,&mdash;I can recall no better description of a gentleman than
+  this&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.'</p>
+
+  <p>Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this
+  very neat and apt definition."&mdash;<i>Letter in Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We rather think the printer had a hand in it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><font class="sc">THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE
+    AT COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE,
+    HAS LED MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF
+    THE FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF
+    PICTURESQUE SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION</font>.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" src="images/124.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Guide</i> (<i>after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps</i>).
+    "<font class="sc">These, Sir, are the famous gargoyles I
+    mentioned.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Perspiring American.</i> "<font class="sc">Gee! I thought you
+    said 'gargles.'</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES.</h2>
+
+  <p>Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second
+  mechanic at the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street,
+  Puddlesby. It was when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical
+  Society that his troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and
+  hard-working a little man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and
+  weighed in at seven stone four. But above all he was an expert in rubber
+  tyres; he knew them, I had almost said, by instinct.</p>
+
+  <p>The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of
+  Souls. As I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell
+  you about it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see
+  the connection between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will
+  have patience I think I can promise to show you <i>that</i> at least.</p>
+
+  <p>One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S.,
+  fell asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory
+  experience in a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he
+  knew. He perceived that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that
+  he was no longer plain Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of
+  the Artful Arm, and known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he
+  had just been challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh
+  fight, and (for the seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had
+  accepted. He soon added to the stock of his information the fact that, as
+  the challenged party, he had the choice of time, place and weapons.</p>
+
+  <p>He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable
+  warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose
+  hair he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had
+  ever killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle
+  Road. He felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to
+  propose as the time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as
+  the weapon, motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as
+  far as mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who,
+  however, did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a
+  counter-proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three
+  days' time.</p>
+
+  <p>Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He
+  got through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but
+  had fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the
+  esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the
+  details of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir
+  Hugh, merely adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was
+  customary in the better-class combats of that day.</p>
+
+  <p>He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably
+  depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity
+  compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned
+  ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands,
+  coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and
+  did not fail to be ready in time.</p>
+
+  <p>When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion
+  reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his
+  faithful esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide,
+  which covered the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly
+  in folds all round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached
+  to the front of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in
+  the vernacular of those stout times&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy
+  vile bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye
+  blowinge."</p>
+
+  <p>Whereupon the trusty varlet blew.</p>
+
+  <p>Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of
+  Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-à-pie
+  in a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather
+  over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an
+  object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive
+  observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir
+  Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire,
+  had inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and
+  laced up like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists
+  with a feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several
+  days.</p>
+
+  <p>They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero
+  wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right
+  arm, and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold
+  also upon his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that
+  no one in the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together
+  beneath the horse's belly.</p>
+
+  <p>If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding
+  straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the
+  left side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string
+  which attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost
+  his balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily
+  from the Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the
+  moment when he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough
+  way on to bring him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained
+  a vertical position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and
+  with the same result.</p>
+
+  <p>Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles
+  might have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the
+  distinguished audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth
+  revolution.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span>
+
+  <p>Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every
+  turn, and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was
+  going very fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found
+  touch, first bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons
+  rolled him back again into the field of play.</p>
+
+  <p>It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during
+  these proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to
+  catch a glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first
+  onslaught, and he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered
+  that the haughty Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was
+  slogging him round the lists; in short, was playing polo with him.</p>
+
+  <p>But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he
+  was not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The
+  Baron, worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking.</p>
+
+  <p>So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought
+  of choosing <i>smooth</i> maces. A spike would have punctured the cover
+  in no time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end.</p>
+
+  <p>His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic!</p>
+
+  <p>Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost
+  swooned away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube.
+  There was a perplexed pause....</p>
+
+  <p>And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles
+  woke with a shriek.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium
+  on transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring
+  to a previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of
+  the game required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more
+  bloodthirsty and pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to
+  prove that little Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not
+  quite the man for this sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of
+  dreams. Anyway, shortly after his painful experience he withdrew his
+  subscription from the Puddlesby Psychical Society and ceased for ever to
+  assist at their séances.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center"><i>Wicket-keeper</i> (<i>by way of shewing sympathy
+    to victim of demon bowler</i>). "<font class="sc">Rum game,
+    cricket.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+<h4>The Overland Route.</h4>
+
+  <p>"MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS.</p>
+
+  <p>Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."&mdash;<i>Scottish
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"James &mdash;&mdash;, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V
+  and Czecho-Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt
+  he must have some amusement."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The little Bolshevist!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a
+  contemporary:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway
+  communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and
+  other northern and western centres."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From a feuilleton:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right
+  round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the
+  receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she
+  panted."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>And then, we suppose, she wrote to the <font
+  class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> to complain of the inefficiency of
+  the service.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Junior Partner of Firm</i> (<i>exempted on business grounds
+    during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised
+    officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three
+    times</i>). "<font class="sc">You say you were three-and-a-half years
+    in France and yet don't speak the language? It seems to me you wasted
+    your time abroad, Sir.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By a Student of Manners.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of
+  August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the
+  renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions;
+  they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not
+  renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be
+  pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered
+  by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard
+  of efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one
+  Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members
+  of another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short,
+  August and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to
+  remain in London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are
+  glad to be able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts
+  available will be greatly enhanced.</p>
+
+  <p>For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the
+  decorators, is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent
+  experiments have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and
+  tranquillising influence on persons of an irritable disposition. A
+  sumptuous dormitory is being erected on the top floor, where slow music
+  will be discoursed every afternoon, from three to seven, by a
+  Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid out for the
+  recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts has been
+  keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the basement
+  to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with a
+  vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American
+  bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete
+  books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of
+  <font class="sc">Dell, Barclay, Wells, Zane Grey</font> and <font
+  class="sc">Bennett</font>. Three interesting rumours about the future of
+  the Club may be given with due reserve&mdash;the first, that in the near
+  future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord
+  Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third,
+  that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of
+  "Arthur's."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <p>From Smith Minor's French Paper:</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui était très
+  méchante.'&mdash;'The farmer was having a chat with thirteen
+  merchants.'"</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to
+  Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."&mdash;<i>Daily
+  Mirror.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Another injustice to Scotland.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+  bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+  sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+  divorce."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" src="images/127.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>THE PROBLEM.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Poland</font> (<i>to Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd
+    George</font>, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament</i>). "HOW ARE
+    YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A QUEEN,
+    BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/128.png"><img width="100%" src="images/128.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">GOING TO THE COUNTRY?</p>
+
+    <p>"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the
+    economic use of charabancs."&mdash;<i>Sir <font class="sc">Eric
+    Geddes</font>.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>First "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>, Mr.
+    <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font>,
+    Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font>, Mr. <font
+    class="sc">Churchill</font>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second "Banc."</i> Sir <font class="sc">E. Geddes</font>, Mr.
+    <font class="sc">Shortt</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Long</font>, Sir
+    <font class="sc">Robert Horne</font>, Col. <font
+    class="sc">Amery</font>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Third "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Illingworth</font>, Lord
+    E. <font class="sc">Talbot</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Fisher</font>,
+    Dr. <font class="sc">Addison</font>, Sir <font class="sc">Gordon
+    Hewart</font>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fourth "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Kellaway</font>, Sir M.
+    <font class="sc">Barlow</font>, Sir L. <font class="sc">Worthington
+    Evans</font>, Sir A.G. <font class="sc">Boscawen</font>, Mr. <font
+    class="sc">Towyn Jones</font>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fifth "Banc."</i> Sir <font class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</font>,
+    Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin</font>, Sir <font class="sc">James
+    Craig</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Denis Henry</font>, Mr. <font
+    class="sc">Neal</font>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sixth "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Montagu</font>, Dr. <font
+    class="sc">Macnamara</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">McCurdy</font>, Mr.
+    <font class="sc">Ian Macpherson</font>, Sir A. <font
+    class="sc">Mond</font>.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p><i>Monday, August, 9th.</i>&mdash;In an atmosphere of appropriate
+  gloom the House of Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland.
+  Even the <font class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> could say little more
+  for the measure than that it might possibly enable some of the persons
+  now in custody to be tried; and most of the other Peers who spoke seemed
+  to think that it would be either mischievous or useless. The only
+  confident opinion expressed was that of the elderly Privy Councillor, who
+  from the steps of the Throne ejaculated, "If you pass this Bill you may
+  kill England, not Ireland." But despite this unconventional warning the
+  Peers took the risk.</p>
+
+  <p>The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel <font
+  class="sc">Wedgwood's</font> tie. Of ample dimensions and of an
+  ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and South-Western Railway porter
+  might envy, it dominated the proceedings throughout Question-time. Beside
+  it Mr. <font class="sc">Claude Lowther's</font> pink shirt paled its
+  ineffectual fires.</p>
+
+  <p>When Viscount <font class="sc">Curzon</font> renewed his
+  anti-charabancs campaign and Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> was
+  doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory
+  suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red
+  gleam from Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood's</font> shirt-front. At
+  once, the old railway instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the
+  danger-signal and hastily cramming on his brakes, Sir <font
+  class="sc">Eric</font> observed that it would be "a great calamity" to
+  prevent the economic use of the charabancs.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, August 10th.</i>&mdash;As Lord Great Chamberlain, and
+  therefore official custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord <font
+  class="sc">Lincolnshire</font> mentioned with due solemnity the
+  regrettable incident of the day before. Lord <font
+  class="sc">Curzon</font> thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. <font
+  class="sc">Carlisle</font>) should be allowed to explain his behaviour,
+  and suggested that he should himself address to him a suitable letter.
+  Several noble lords&mdash;anticipating, no doubt, that, whatever else
+  came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively reading&mdash;said
+  "Hear, hear."</p>
+
+  <p>A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority&mdash;28 to
+  23&mdash;that there should be no Minister of Mines, but only an
+  Under-Secretary. Lord <font class="sc">Peel</font> now sought to induce
+  them to change their minds. His principal argument was that a Minister
+  would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a Secretary and
+  would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so conspicuously
+  lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be true, for they
+  proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" src="images/129.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER.</p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">M. Krassin contemplates the Commons</font>.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the <font
+  class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> statement on Poland. The Duke of <font
+  class="sc">York</font> was over the Clock, flanked by the Archbishop of
+  <font class="sc">Canterbury</font> on one side and Messrs. <font
+  class="sc">Kameneff</font> and <font class="sc">Krassin</font> (who
+  sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other.</p>
+
+  <p>Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at
+  Question-time. Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font> denied that he had
+  ever suggested an alliance with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as
+  we are keeping the Watch on the Rhine <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> with only thirteen
+  thousand men&mdash;just three thousand more than it takes to garrison
+  London&mdash;perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered, no great
+  opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to describe the
+  disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to retire before
+  "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his upper
+  lip.</p>
+
+  <p>For two-thirds of his speech the <font class="sc">Prime
+  Minister</font> was the sober statesman, discussing with due solemnity
+  the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish crisis. The Poles had been
+  rash and must take the consequences. We should not help them unless the
+  Bolshevists, not content with punishment, threatened the extinction of
+  Poland's independence.</p>
+
+  <p>Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he
+  chaffed the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an
+  unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even
+  sacrificed a colleague. <font class="sc">Lenin</font> was an aristocrat,
+  <font class="sc">Trotsky</font> a journalist. "In fact"&mdash;turning to
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font>&mdash;"my right honourable friend
+  is an embodiment of both."</p>
+
+  <p>A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Asquith</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Adamson</font> ended
+  in favour of the <font class="sc">ex-Premier</font>, who doubted whether
+  the best way to ensure peace was to attack one of the parties to the
+  dispute, and proceeded to make things more or less even by vigorously
+  chiding Poland for her aggression. Mr. <font class="sc">Clynes</font>,
+  while admitting that the Labour Party would have to reconsider its
+  position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still maintained
+  that we had not played a straight game from Russia.</p>
+
+  <p>Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander <font
+  class="sc">Kenworthy</font>, communication was established between the
+  Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Lloyd George</font> read the terms offered by the Soviet to
+  the Poles, and gave them a guarded approval.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday, August 11th.</i>&mdash;A Bill to prohibit ready-money
+  betting on football matches was introduced by Lord <font
+  class="sc">Gainford</font> (who played for Cambridge forty years ago) and
+  supported by Lord <font class="sc">Meath</font>, "a most enthusiastic
+  player" of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading
+  of these experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord <font
+  class="sc">Gainford</font> proposed to rush it through goal straightaway
+  his course was barred by Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font>, an
+  efficient Lord "Keeper."</p>
+
+  <p>A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the
+  late Mr. <font class="sc">Joseph Chamberlain</font> furnished occasion
+  for the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> and Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Asquith</font> to indulge in generous praise of a political
+  opponent. Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> (with his eye on the
+  Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was "essentially a Parliamentary
+  country," we did well to honour "a great Parliamentarian"; and the <font
+  class="sc">ex-Premier</font> (with his eye on Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd
+  George</font>) selected for special note among Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Chamberlain's</font> characteristics that he had "no blurred
+  edges."</p>
+
+  <p>A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the
+  startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the
+  policy announced yesterday by the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>,
+  to give immediate recognition to General <font class="sc">Wrangel</font>.
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> expressed his "surprise and
+  anxiety" and could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate
+  misunderstanding. To give time for its removal the House decided to
+  postpone its holiday and adjourned till Monday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>More Headaches for the Historian.</h4>
+
+  <p>Messrs. <font class="sc">Kameneff</font> and <font
+  class="sc">Krassin</font>, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished
+  Strangers' Gallery during the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font>
+  speech on Poland last week. Hence these tears:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with
+  English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed
+  intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest,
+  but often with animated comment."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>"The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the
+  Premier's speech." <i>Evening News</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>"Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague
+  doesn't speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned
+  over and whispered a translation into the other's
+  ear."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>"The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless,
+  and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but
+  this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of the
+  Prime Minister."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>229th ed., folio, 2 vols.</i> (<i>Sour and Taxwell, 85s.</i>).</p>
+
+  <p>All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new
+  edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be
+  found on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its
+  combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of
+  English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic
+  as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down,"
+  and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur.</p>
+
+  <p>It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work,
+  and to say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is
+  invariably happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on
+  <i>Real Property</i> his sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of
+  expression do ample justice to the perennial freshness of his subject.
+  The reader is swiftly carried from situation to situation and thrill
+  follows thrill with daring rapidity. The plot is of the simplest, but
+  worked out with surprising skill, while the events are related with that
+  vivid imagination which the subject demands. Who is there that does not
+  feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice with the heir when he comes, upon
+  reversion, into the property from which he has been so long excluded? Mr.
+  Blewitt treats this incident with a sense of romance and picturesqueness
+  of language reminiscent of the ballad of "The Lord of Lynn." In its facts
+  the ballad bears a striking resemblance to those so graphically described
+  by our author, but in point of execution lacks the true breath of poetic
+  inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's book.</p>
+
+  <p>Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not
+  sympathise with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the
+  fair widow whom he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate
+  soul is subject to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's
+  silence on the disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts
+  which tormented his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of
+  <i>Hamlet</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr.
+  Blewitt is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in works of this nature to
+  equal the skilful psychological analysis, the sympathy of treatment and
+  the fidelity to nature with which the author draws line by line the
+  character of Q. The description of him as seised in fee simple is a touch
+  of genius. We can remember nothing <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> in the English language
+  to compare with this unless it be that brilliant passage in which Mr.
+  Blewitt sketches in a few lightning strokes the character of Richard Roe,
+  a man at once pugnacious, overbearing, litigious and utterly regardless
+  of truth and honesty.</p>
+
+  <p>The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of
+  learning in publishing this new edition. The editing is very creditable
+  to English scholarship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069,
+  in which the reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the
+  <i>Timbuctoo Law Review</i>, which, in fairness to the editor (of <i>Real
+  Property</i>), is not, of course, quoted here. The student will, we have
+  no doubt, feel himself fully recompensed by this new matter for the price
+  of the new volumes and the depreciation of the 228th edition.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>NERVES ON THE GREEN.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Irascible Golfer.</i> "<font class="sc">Confound it! what
+    <i>is</i> that infernal oil-engine or something that begins thumping
+    whenever I am putting?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Caddie.</i> "<font class="sc">I think it must be t'other
+    gentleman's 'eart, Sir.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>Residents in the area between the county town and &mdash;&mdash; are
+  now able to do their shopping at either place with the maximum of
+  inconvenience so far as travel is concerned."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Just as in London.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>GISH-JINGLE.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>The Times</i> in a recent article on events in the Film world
+  announces the impending arrival in Europe of Miss <font
+  class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>, adding, however, that the visit is mainly
+  undertaken for recreation.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Let others discourse and descant</p>
+      <p class="i2">Upon <font class="sc">Mannix</font> the martyr archbish,</p>
+      <p>Me rather it pleases to chant</p>
+      <p class="i2">The arrival of <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Among the <i>élite</i> of the Screen</p>
+      <p class="i2">She holds an exalted posit.;</p>
+      <p>But in Europe she never has been</p>
+      <p class="i2">Hitherto, hasn't <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And it's well to consider aright</p>
+      <p class="i2">That she harbours the laudable wish</p>
+      <p>For a holiday, not for the light</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of the lime, does Miss <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>None the less with the wildest surmise</p>
+      <p class="i2">Do I muse on the bountiful dish</p>
+      <p>Of sensation purveyed for the wise</p>
+      <p class="i2">And the foolish by <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i6"> * * * * *</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Will you strengthen the hands of <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font></p>
+      <p class="i2">Or frown on the poor Coalit.?</p>
+      <p>Will you force profiteers to disgorge,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Beneficent <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Do you hold by self-governing schools?</p>
+      <p class="i2">Do you think that headmasters should swish</p>
+      <p>Or adopt Montessorian rules,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Benevolent <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Will they give you an Oxford degree?</p>
+      <p class="i2">Will you learn to call marmalade "squish"?</p>
+      <p>Will <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font> ask you to tea</p>
+      <p class="i2">On the Terrace, great <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Do you favour the Russ or the Pole?</p>
+      <p class="i2">Will you visit the Servians at Nish?</p>
+      <p>Are you sound on the subject of coal?</p>
+      <p class="i2">Are you Pussyfoot, <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Are you going to be terribly mobbed</p>
+      <p class="i2">When attending the concerts of <font class="sc">Krish</font>?</p>
+      <p>Are your tresses luxuriant or "bobbed"?</p>
+      <p class="i2">Do tell us, kind <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Meanwhile we are moody and mad,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like <font class="sc">Saul</font> the descendant of <font class="sc">Kish</font>,</p>
+      <p>Oh, arrive and make everyone glad,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Delectable <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Wanted, Lady Clerk; one accustomed to milk ledgers
+  preferred."&mdash;<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>But how does one milk a ledger?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span>
+
+<h2>THE BLUE MOUNTAINS.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><font class="sc">A South Indian Lovesong.</font></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When the long trick's wearing over and a spell of leave comes due</p>
+      <p>The most'll go back to Blighty to see if their dreams are true;</p>
+      <p>There's some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex downs,</p>
+      <p>There's some that'll cling to the country and some that'll turn to towns;</p>
+      <p>But <i>I</i> know what <i>I</i>'ll do, and I'll do it right or wrong,</p>
+      <p>I'll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Athol's a bonny country and Sussex is good to see,</p>
+      <p>But it's long since I left Blighty and I'm not what I used to be;</p>
+      <p>And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel's fine,</p>
+      <p>And that may be most folk's fancy, but it somehow isn't mine;</p>
+      <p>For <i>I</i> know what <i>I</i> like, and the Land of Heart's Delight</p>
+      <p>For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where I feel right.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>So I'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail</p>
+      <p>And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale,</p>
+      <p>And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore</p>
+      <p>I'll see them hung in the tinted sky and I won't ask for more;</p>
+      <p>For <i>I</i>'ll know I'm happy and I'll make my morning prayer</p>
+      <p>Of thanks for the sun on the Blue Mountains and me to be going there.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need,</p>
+      <p>Crawling its way to Adderly, crawling to Runnymede;</p>
+      <p>And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey's end,</p>
+      <p>And the breeze shall say to me "Brother" and the hills shall hail me "Friend,"</p>
+      <p>While the clear Kateri River sings lovesongs in my ear,</p>
+      <p>And I'll feel "Now I'm home again! Ah! but I'm welcome here."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahs lie</p>
+      <p>And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs my eye;</p>
+      <p>And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood,</p>
+      <p>And the dear sun shining on Ooty, and oh! but I'll find it good;</p>
+      <p>For <i>I</i>'ll have what <i>I</i> wanted, and all the worrying done,</p>
+      <p>Because I'm back to the Blue Mountains and they and I are one.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire</p>
+      <p>For minds that are over-weary, for bodies that toil and tire,</p>
+      <p>And over all that a something, a something that says, "You know,</p>
+      <p>It's the one place of all places where the gods meant <i>you</i> to go."</p>
+      <p>Well, the gods know what <i>they</i> know, and I wouldn't say them nay,</p>
+      <p>And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terribly far away,</p>
+      <p>So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the betting is, I'll stay.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">H.B.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Cricket in Wails&mdash;A Howling Success.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"E.H. &mdash;&mdash; bawled consistently for the visitors, taking
+  seven wickets of 168."&mdash;<i>Welsh Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS.</h2>
+
+  <p>As a sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-famine, I have
+  started a Correspondence Bureau, ostensibly for advising parents as to
+  the pursuits their offspring should take up, but really for propaganda
+  purposes, the object being the assuagement of this terrible evil.</p>
+
+  <p>Consequently my replies to inquiries are all moulded to this end.</p>
+
+  <p>For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent.
+  Do please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one
+  whose father is a member of the Stock Exchange."</p>
+
+  <p>I replied, "Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few
+  more lucrative occupations outside Bradford, unless it be that of a
+  builder, in which the scope is absolutely unlimited. I am enclosing a
+  copy of last week's <i>Builder and Architect</i>, in which you will find
+  some great thoughts expressed. Pray let Algernon read it. It may be the
+  means of inducing him to perform great deeds for England's sake."</p>
+
+  <p>Another fond parent wrote:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"Can you advise an anxious mother as to a career for her only son,
+  John William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes
+  and fair hair and is a perfect darling, so good and obedient, but he is
+  firmly resolved to be a lift-man when he grows up."</p>
+
+  <p>I answered her soothingly thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"John Willie is rather young to have made a final decision, I think.
+  Let his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, liftman,
+  engine-driver, bus-conductor, sailor, etc. At fifteen or so he will have
+  left these behind, and for the next few years will probably settle down
+  to the idea of being nothing in particular, or else a professional
+  cricketer. Then he will suddenly, for good or evil, make his choice.
+  Neither his blue eyes nor his fair hair give any clue as to what that
+  choice will be, but I should let him keep both, as they may be useful to
+  him.</p>
+
+  <p>"If he should determine upon a career involving manual work, I should
+  take steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying.
+  At the rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight
+  per week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the time he
+  arrives at bricklaying maturity.</p>
+
+  <p>"It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to graduate in
+  Commerce before being eligible, but probably it would be necessary, as
+  the best bricklayers, I'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is
+  a sort of caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to
+  keep outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs
+  bricklayers, and will go on needing them for years. Let John Willie step
+  forward when he is old enough."</p>
+
+  <p>To the mother who asked if I considered that her youngest boy would be
+  well advised to adopt the Housebreaking profession I wrote:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"To which part of this profession do you refer? If to the Burgling
+  branch I would ask, 'Has he the iron nerve, the indomitable will, above
+  all has he the brain power for this exacting craft? Can he stand the
+  exposure to the night air, the exposure before an Assize jury, and the
+  rigours of the Portland stone quarries?' If so, let him take a course of
+  illustrated lectures at the cinema.</p>
+
+  <p>"If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down of houses, I
+  say, 'No! A thousand times, no!' He should be taught that there is a
+  crying need for a constructive, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page137"
+  id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> not a destructive policy. Let him adopt
+  one; buy him drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, and teach him that
+  the noblest work of creation is (unless it be a bricklayer or builder) an
+  architect. Though the War is over we must still keep the home fires
+  burning. This implies chimneys, and chimneys imply houses, and few there
+  be that can plan houses that will both please the eye and pass the local
+  authorities."</p>
+
+  <p>Lady Jubb wrote from Toffley Hall, Blankshire, to say that her elder
+  son (seventeen) had no ideas for the future beyond becoming Master of the
+  Barchester when he grew up, but that she was anxious that he should try
+  for some more lucrative post, official preferred.</p>
+
+  <p>I replied thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"So your son looks no higher than a Mastership of Foxhounds. Well,
+  well, I suppose that so long as there are such things as hounds he, as
+  well as another, may take on the job of Master.</p>
+
+  <p>"But I thoroughly approve of your desire that he should try for
+  something higher in life, especially for some official post; and what
+  official post is or can be superior to that of a Borough Surveyor? Can
+  you not persuade him that this great office is what one chooses to make
+  it, and that, as an autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be compared to the
+  B.S., for, whereas the former can at the most scorch the few people
+  foolish enough to remain within ear-shot, the latter can with a breath
+  damn a whole row of houses and blast the careers of an army of builders
+  with a word."</p>
+
+  <p>And so the propaganda proceeds.</p>
+
+  <p>If my efforts result in even one house being erected I shall, I think,
+  have earned my O.B.E., though I would rather have the house.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/132.png"><img width="100%" src="images/132.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>My Lady Bountiful.</i> "<font class="sc">So your mother is better
+    through taking the quinine I gave her?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>doing her best to carry out
+    instructions</i>). "<font class="sc">Yes'm. But she says she's worse of
+    the complaint wot you gives 'er port wine for.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE TERRITORIAL.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Oh, civil life is fine and free, with no one to obey,</p>
+      <p>No sergeants shouting, "Show a leg!" or "Double up!" all day;</p>
+      <p>No buttons to be polished, no army boots to wear,</p>
+      <p>And nobody to tick you off because you grow your hair.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>It's great to sleep beneath a roof that keeps the rain outside,</p>
+      <p>To eat a daintier kind of grub than quarter-blokes provide,</p>
+      <p>To rise o' mornings when you wish and when you wish turn in,</p>
+      <p>To shirk a shave and never hear the truth about your chin;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And not to have to pad the hoof through blazing sun or rain,</p>
+      <p>Intent on getting nowhere and foot-slogging back again,</p>
+      <p>To realise no N.C.O. has any more the right</p>
+      <p>To rob you of your beauty-sleep with "Guard to-morrow night!"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>All this is great, of course it is, yet here we are once more</p>
+      <p>Obeying sergeants just for fun and cheerier than before;</p>
+      <p>We haven't any good excuse, we've got no war to win&mdash;</p>
+      <p>But nothing's touched the kit-bag yet for packing troubles in.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">W.K.H.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span>
+
+<h3>A TASTE OF AUTHORITY.</h3>
+
+  <p>I have often wished I were an expert at something. How I envy the man
+  who, before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the
+  proffered sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells
+  it at close quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very
+  brave, pulls out a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the
+  tailor, abashed and discomfited, produces for the lucky expert from the
+  interior of his premises that choice bale of pre-war quality which he was
+  keeping for his own use.</p>
+
+  <p>I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening.
+  Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help
+  me.</p>
+
+  <p>"My dear fellow," he said, "in these days of specialisation one has to
+  be brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth
+  or canaries or bathroom tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a
+  moment."</p>
+
+  <p>"Can you help me?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"As regards tea, I can," he replied. "Jorkins over there is in the tea
+  business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of
+  tea-tasting."</p>
+
+  <p>"I should be awfully glad if you would," said I. "We never get any
+  decent tea at home."</p>
+
+  <p>Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and efficient character. I saw
+  Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow.</p>
+
+  <p>"Watch me carefully," said Jorkins, "and listen to what I say. Take a
+  little leaf into the palm of your left hand. Rub it lightly with the
+  fingers and gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose and snuff up strongly.
+  Pick out a strand and bite through the leaf slowly with the front teeth,
+  thus. Just after biting pass the tip of the tongue behind the front teeth
+  and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. Sorry I must go
+  now. Good day."</p>
+
+  <p>Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times
+  before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look
+  which Jorkins wore during the operation.</p>
+
+  <p>At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers
+  of teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and
+  began the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and
+  gazed at it earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a
+  strand and bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after
+  biting I passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate,
+  completing the act of deglutition.</p>
+
+  <p>So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to
+  accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was
+  up against one of the mandarins of the trade. So I said with severity,
+  "Please don't show me any more common stuff; I want the best you
+  have."</p>
+
+  <p>The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was
+  evidently about to speak.</p>
+
+  <p>"Kindly refrain from expostulating," I went on; "content yourself with
+  showing me your finest blend."</p>
+
+  <p>He went away to the back of the shop, muttering; clearly he recognised
+  defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest.</p>
+
+  <p>"Try this," said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled
+  rage.</p>
+
+  <p>I took a handful and once more went through the whole ceremony. It was
+  nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of my
+  performance I assumed a look of satisfaction. "Give me five pounds of
+  that," said I with the air of a conqueror.</p>
+
+  <p>Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success.</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, did he?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He did. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to
+  deglute&mdash;everything."</p>
+
+  <p>"And with what result?"</p>
+
+  <p>"With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the
+  finest tea that the greatest experts have blended from the combined
+  products of Assam and China."</p>
+
+  <p>"Tea?" he asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, tea of course. You didn't suppose that I was talking of
+  oysters?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Alured," said my wife, "I wish you wouldn't buy things for the house.
+  That tea is low-grade sweepings."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">LE GRAND PENSEUR.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>With apologies to the late <font
+    class="sc">Auguste Rodin</font>.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Advertising enthusiast on his holiday seeking
+    inspiration for a new advertisement for the Underground
+    Railway.</font></p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he
+  turned the first sot of the new university."&mdash;<i>Daily
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Turned him out, we trust.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that
+  a nation was known by its soul and not by its asses."&mdash;<i>South
+  African Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past
+  braying for.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The doings (or rather sayings!) in the Legislature we are watching
+  with sympathy and some impatience, much as a bachelor bears with the
+  gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before
+  dinner."&mdash;<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>And the worst of it is that the Legislature is gambling with
+  <i>our</i> money.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Miss &mdash;&mdash;, director of natural science studies at Newnham
+  College, Oxford, will preside."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We are glad to hear of this new women's college at Oxford, but surely
+  they might have chosen a more original name for it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A.G.J. writes: "Your picture of 'Come unto these Yellow Sands' in the
+  number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following
+  line, 'The Wild Waves Whist.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" src="images/134.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><font class="sc">"I have not seen you at church for two Sundays,
+    John."</font></p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">"No, Sir. No offence t'you, but oi a-bin doin' t'
+    chapel passon's garden, so missus thought we'd better give 'im a
+    turn."</font></p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>To review one of Mr. <font class="sc">E.F. Benson's</font> social
+  satires always gives me somewhat the sensations of the reporter at the
+  special sermon&mdash;a relieved consciousness that, being present on
+  business, my own withers may be supposed professionally unwrung.
+  Otherwise, so exploratory a lash.... I seldom recall the touch of it more
+  shrewd than in <i>Queen Lucia</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>),
+  an altogether delightful castigation of those persons whom a false
+  rusticity causes to change a good village into the sham-bucolic home of
+  crazes, fads and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the
+  Riseholme community has its centre in <i>Mrs. Lucas</i>, the acknowledged
+  queen of the place (<i>Lucia</i> = wife of <i>Lucas</i>, which shows you
+  the character of her empire in a single touch); the matter of the tale is
+  to tell how her autocracy was threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish
+  I had space to quote the description of the <i>Lucas</i> home,
+  "converted" from two genuine cottages, to which had been added a wing at
+  right-angles, even more Elizabethan than the original, and a yew-hedge,
+  "brought entire from a neighbouring farm and transplanted with solid
+  lumps of earth and indignant snails around its roots." Perhaps, apart
+  from the joy of the setting, you may find some of the incidents, the
+  faith-healer, the medium and so on, a trifle obvious for Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Benson</font>. More worthy of him is the central
+  episode&mdash;the arrival as a Riseholme resident of <i>Olga Bracely</i>,
+  the operatic star of international fame. Her talk, her attitude towards
+  the place, and the subtle contrast suggested by her between the genuine
+  and the pretence, show Mr. <font class="sc">Benson</font> at his
+  light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, in speaking of
+  which you will observe I have not once so much as mentioned the word
+  "Cotswolds."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>Michael Forth</i> (<font class="sc">Constable</font>) will
+  doubtless convey a wonderful message to those of us who are clever enough
+  to grasp its meaning; but I fear that it will be a disappointment to many
+  admirers of Miss <font class="sc">Mary Johnston's</font> earlier books.
+  Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to follow this excursion
+  into the region of metaphysics; indeed I felt as if I had fallen into the
+  hands of a guide whose language I could only dimly and dully understand.
+  All of which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that you
+  should sample <i>Michael</i> for yourselves and see what you can make of
+  him. Miss <font class="sc">Johnston</font> shouldered an unnecessarily
+  heavy burden when she decided to tell the story of her hero in the first
+  person, but in relating <i>Michael's</i> childhood in his Virginian home
+  she is at her simplest and best. Afterwards, when <i>Michael</i> became
+  intent on going "deeper and deeper within," he succeeded so well that he
+  concealed himself from me.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and heartily
+  approve the growing fashion of publishing or republishing them in volume
+  form, I am the more jealous that the good repute of this practice should
+  be preserved from damage by association with unworthy material. I'm
+  afraid this is a somewhat ominous introduction to a notice of <i>The Eve
+  of Pascua</i> (<font class="sc">Heinemann</font>), in which, to be
+  brutally frank, I found little justification for even such longevity as
+  modern paper conditions permit. "<font class="sc">Richard Dehan</font>"
+  is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of the public, but none of
+  the tales in this collection will do <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> anything to add to the
+  debt. The best is perhaps a very short and quite happily told little jest
+  called "An Impression," about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing
+  herself as interpreted by an Impressionist painter. There is also a
+  sufficiently picturesque piece of Wardour Street medievalism in "The
+  Tribute of the Kiss," and some original scenery in "The Mother of
+  Turquoise." But beyond this (though I searched diligently) nothing;
+  indeed worse, since more than one of the remaining tales, notably
+  "Wanted, a King" and "The End of the Cotillion," are so preposterous that
+  their inclusion here can only be attributed to the most cynical
+  indifference.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the ingredients of
+  <i>Irish Stew</i> (<font class="sc">Skeffington</font>) are in fact
+  Irish, and though Mrs. <font class="sc">Dorothea Conyers</font> is best
+  known as a novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and traditional
+  horses, I am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adventures of <i>Mr.
+  Jones</i>, trusted employé of <i>Mosenthals and Co.</i>, better than Mrs.
+  <font class="sc">Conyers</font>' stage Irishmen. "Our Mr. Jones" is
+  neither a <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> nor an <i>Aristide Pujol</i>, neither a
+  <i>Father Brown</i> nor a <i>Bob Pretty</i>, but nevertheless he is an
+  engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs. <font
+  class="sc">Conyers</font>' hunting <i>clientèle</i> may much prefer to
+  read about the dishonesties of <i>Con Cassidy</i> and his
+  fellow-horse-copers and the simple but heroic <i>O'Toole</i> and his
+  supernatural friends. But, as the average Irish hunting man cares little
+  more for books than he does for bill-collectors, his preference may not
+  be of paramount importance. In any case the Irish ingredients of <i>Irish
+  Stew</i> would be easier to assimilate if Mrs. <font
+  class="sc">Conyers</font> would refrain from trying to spell English as
+  the Irish speak it. If the reader knows Ireland it is unnecessary and
+  merely makes reading a task. If the reader does not know Ireland no
+  amount of phonetic spelling will reproduce a single one of the
+  multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with sound and empty it of sense. On
+  the whole Mrs. <font class="sc">Conyers</font>' public will not be
+  disappointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it is <i>Mr. Jones</i>
+  who will give them their money's worth.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I was, I confess, a little sceptical&mdash;you know how it
+  is&mdash;when I read what Messrs. <font class="sc">Hodder and
+  Stoughton's</font> official reviewer said of Mr. <font class="sc">Hal. G.
+  Evarts</font>' <i>The Cross-Pull</i>: "The best dog story since The Call
+  of the Wild," etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Evarts</font>' hero, <i>Flash</i>, is a noble beast of
+  mixed strain&mdash;grey wolf, coyote, dog. The Cross-Pull is the conflict
+  between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to his master and mistress
+  whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf whose proper business is
+  to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most tamed brutes he is
+  involved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate outlaws, among
+  whom is his chief enemy, and he is fortunate enough to serve the state
+  while pursuing to a successful end his bitter private quarrel. Brute
+  <i>Brent</i> gets and deserves the kind of bite which was planned by a
+  far-seeing providence for the elk.... You can tell when an author really
+  loves and knows animals or is merely "putting it on." Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Evarts</font> understands, sentimentalises less than most
+  interpreters; seems to know a good deal. The story loses no interest from
+  being set in the American hinterland of a few decades ago. All real
+  animal lovers should get this book&mdash;they should really.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it is, to state
+  what is obvious in regard to a subject while creating by the manner of
+  the statement an impression of its subtler features, then Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Percy Brown</font>, in writing <i>Germany in Dissolution</i>
+  (<font class="sc">Melrose</font>), has proved himself a true artist. For
+  in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the Spartacist
+  rising certain things happened which got themselves safely into the
+  newspapers, and these he sets forth, mostly in headline form. Beyond this
+  Germany was a seething muddle of contradictions and cross-purposes,
+  which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably reflected in his pages.
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Brown</font> is a journalist of the school that does
+  not stick at a trifle, a German prison, for instance, when his dear
+  public wants news. His crowning achievement was to persuade Dr. <font
+  class="sc">Solf</font>, when Foreign Minister, to send through the
+  official wireless an account of an interview with himself, which would,
+  as he (<font class="sc">Solf</font>) fondly hoped, help to bamboozle
+  British public opinion. When the article appeared, so well had the
+  author's editor read between the lines of the message that the journalist
+  had to run for his life. He was particularly fortunate too, or clever, in
+  getting in touch with the Kiel sailors who set the revolution going, but
+  in spite of much excellent material, mostly of the "scoop" interview
+  variety, nothing much ever seems to come of it all, and we are left at
+  the end about as wise as we started. All the same, much of the book's
+  detail is interesting, however little satisfaction it offers as a
+  whole.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>Ann's First Flutter</i> (<font class="sc">Allen and Unwin</font>)
+  will not arouse any commotion in the dovecotes of the intellectually
+  elect, but it provides an amusing entertainment for those who can
+  appreciate broad and emphatic humour. Mr. R.A. <font
+  class="sc">Hamblin</font> has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my
+  only quarrel with him is that I believe him to have a subtler sense of
+  humour than he reveals here. <i>Ann</i> was a grocer's daughter, and
+  after her attempt to flutter for herself had failed she married <i>Tom
+  Bampfield</i>, a grocer's son. <i>Tom</i> had literary ambitions, and was
+  the author of a novel which his father thought pernicious enough to
+  destroy his custom. Strange however to relate, the novel failed to
+  destroy anything except the author's future as a novelist, and when
+  <i>Tom</i> did succeed in making some pen-money it was by means of a
+  series of funny articles in <i>The Dry Goods Gazette</i>&mdash;articles
+  so violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated
+  them. Mr. <font class="sc">Hamblin's</font> fun, let me add, is never
+  ill-natured. Even bilious grocers will not resent his jovial invasion of
+  their kingdom.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">THE PRUDENT LOVER.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"City gunsmiths have been busy these days furbishing up sportsmen's
+  rifles for the '12th.'"&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Personally we use a machine-gun.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2005 [EBook #16707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 18th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA
+
+The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the newly-rich
+has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital.
+
+* * *
+
+"A few hours in Cork," says a _Daily Mail_ correspondent, "will convince
+anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be explained, is
+one in which the civilians are at war but the military are not.
+
+* * *
+
+Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day
+nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to goad
+the military forces in Ireland to reprisals.
+
+* * *
+
+"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know
+somebody who butted in later.
+
+* * *
+
+"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It will be
+noticed that they are very still.
+
+* * *
+
+"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that it
+would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and ten
+seconds to count one day's circulation of _The Daily Mail_." Holiday-makers
+waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try it.
+
+* * *
+
+Coloured grocery sugars, the FOOD CONTROLLER announces, are to be freed
+from control on September 6th. A coloured grocery is one in which the
+grocer is not as black as he is painted.
+
+* * *
+
+A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the
+question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable sign
+is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world residence."
+
+* * *
+
+The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an
+unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence of
+any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will
+probably be granted.
+
+* * *
+
+"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the Willesden
+Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The man may be a
+model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted we should want
+to know what he does with that fourpence.
+
+* * *
+
+Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans for
+eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than three
+families will be allowed to live in one van.
+
+* * *
+
+"Three times in four days," says a _Daily Express_ report, "a Parisian has
+thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports point out that all
+is now quiet, as the fellow has found his collar-stud.
+
+* * *
+
+"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a
+better plan would be to get Sir ERIC GEDDES to give it to you.
+
+* * *
+
+A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to wage war
+without the enemy complaining of headache.
+
+* * *
+
+"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so that
+they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice to
+know that should an article not come back again you will be able to assure
+yourself that it was yours.
+
+* * *
+
+At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large numbers.
+It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still sold in
+lengths.
+
+* * *
+
+A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car to-day. It
+is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the rising cost of
+pedestrian.
+
+* * *
+
+The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway buffet,
+discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves tried to
+break into a railway sandwich.
+
+* * *
+
+Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It is
+feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of running
+out.
+
+* * *
+
+"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six," says a
+news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her parents'
+consent.
+
+* * *
+
+"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even threepence it
+contains three times the number of currants," announces an evening paper.
+This should mean three currants in each bun.
+
+* * *
+
+A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire last
+week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all children under
+fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept indoors, whilst local
+golfers have been sent out to act as decoys.
+
+* * *
+
+It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be
+christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet
+been broken to the unfortunate infant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Exasperated Partner._ "LOOK HERE--DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR
+SERVICE INTO THE RIGHT COURT?"
+
+_Partner._ "NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T. BUT IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY
+UNPLAYABLE IF I DID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RESULT OF A LEAP-YEAR.
+
+    "Bishop ---- says he will not be able to consider any more proposals
+    for engagements till after the summer of 1921."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ECHO FROM BISLEY.--A musical correspondent writes to point out that
+sol-faists have an unfair advantage in the running-deer competition,
+because they are always practising with a "movable Doh."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM SPA AND SHORE.
+
+GROGTOWN.--All available accommodation has been monopolised by Glasborough
+visitors, among whom this resort is becoming more alarmingly popular every
+year. Sixty charabancs arrived on Monday and the Riot Act was read several
+times before the passengers could be induced to desist from their badinage
+of the residents, most of whom have since retired behind the wire-
+entanglements at Kelrose. The municipal orchestra was subjected to a brisk
+fusillade of rock-cakes on Saturday night; the conductor and several of the
+instrumentalists suffered contusions, and their performances have since
+been discontinued. This has not unnaturally given rise to a certain amount
+of dissatisfaction amongst the visitors, but otherwise there has been no
+recrudescence of rioting. A company of the Caithness Highlanders, with
+machine-guns, are now encamped on the links, and sunshine is all that is
+needed to complete the success of the season.
+
+KEGNESS.--On Tuesday the Mayor presented a jar of whisky, fifty years old,
+to the winning charabanc team in the bottle-throwing competition, and the
+subsequent scenes afforded much diversion. A notable feature at present is
+a large whale, which was washed ashore in a gale about six months ago. The
+oldest inhabitants declare that they have never known anything like it, and
+it is certainly an unforgettable experience to be anywhere within a mile of
+this apparently immovable derelict. Excursions to all surrounding places
+out of nose-shot are extremely popular, and the beach is practically
+deserted save by a few juvenile natives engaged in the blubber industry.
+
+MUDHALL SPA.--Without the least reflection on chalybeates and the rest, it
+must be allowed that the most popular beverage in Mudhall at present is
+that which draws its virtue from a cereal and not a mineral source.
+Hilarity is rife at all hours, and the effort to enlist a body of local
+volunteers to control the exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian "charabankers" is
+meeting with unexpected support. The casualties in the daily collisions
+between the Hydropathic League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot-Guards are steadily
+increasing and now compare favourably with those of any other Midland
+health-resort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Boylston (Massachusetts) farm labourer is said to havt bees
+    identified as one of the heirs to a L400,000 estate at Dundte, for whom
+    starches have betn made for years, but nothing is known at Dundee of
+    such an estate."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But this lucid paragraph should help to clear up the mystery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMONG THE PEDESTALS.
+
+The rumour that a number of London's statues are to be moved to make room
+for new has caused many a marble heart to beat faster; and on making a
+round of calls I gathered that Sir ALFRED MOND has few friends in stone or
+bronze circles. Not the least uneasy is George IV. in Trafalgar Square.
+Uneasiness of body he has always known, riding there for ever without any
+stirrups; but now his mind is uneasy too. "If they take Father from
+Cockspur Street," he argued very naturally, "why not me?"
+
+A few of the figures feel secure, of course, but very few. Nelson on his
+column has no fears; Nurse Cavell is too recent to tremble; so is Abraham
+Lincoln. But the others? They are in a state of nervous suspense, wondering
+if the sentence of banishment is to fall and resenting any disturbance of
+their lives. "_J'y suis, j'y reste_" is their motto.
+
+Abraham Lincoln gave me a hearty welcome and extended an invitation that is
+not within the power of any other graven image in the city. "Take a chair,"
+he said.
+
+I did so and am thus, I suppose, the first Londoner to put that comfortable
+piece of furniture to its proper use.
+
+"How do you like being here?" I asked.
+
+He said that he enjoyed it. The only blot on his pleasure was the fear that
+the Abbey might fall on him, and he therefore hoped that _The Times'_ fund
+was progressing by leaps and bounds.
+
+His immediate neighbours, on the contrary, exhibited no serenity whatever,
+and I found Canning and Palmerston shivering with apprehension in their
+frockcoats. The worst of it was that I could say nothing to reassure them.
+
+Here and there, however, a desire for locomotion was expressed. Dr.
+Johnson, in the enclosure behind St. Clement Danes, is very restive. I
+asked him if he would object to removal. "Sir," said the Little
+Lexicographer (as his sculptor has made him), "I should derive satisfaction
+from it. A man cannot be considered as enviable who spends all his time in
+the contemplation, from an unvacatable position, of a street to the
+perambulation of which he devoted many of his happiest hours."
+
+I ventured to agree.
+
+"Nor," continued the sage, "is it a source of contentment to a man of
+integrity to observe an unceasing procession of Americans on their way to
+partake of pudding in a hostelry that has made its name and prosperity out
+of a mythical association with himself and be unable to correct the error."
+
+"Are you in general in favour of statuary?" I made bold to ask.
+
+"Painting," said he, "consumes labour not disproportionate to its effect;
+but a fellow will hack half a year at a block of marble to make something
+in stone that hardly resembles a man. Look around you; look at me. The
+value of statuary is owing to its difficulty. You would not value the
+finest head cut upon a carrot."
+
+But one effect of this General Post among the statues is good, and it
+should delight Mr. ASQUITH. Cromwell, now outside Westminster Hall, is to
+be moved into the House.
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          MARIGOLDS.
+
+  As MARY was a-walking
+    All on a summer day,
+  The flowers all stood curtseying
+    And bowing in her way;
+  The blushing poppies hung their heads
+    And whispered MARY'S name,
+  And all the wood anemones
+    Hung down their heads in shame.
+
+  The violet hid behind her leaves
+    And veiled her timid face,
+  And all the flowers bowed a-down,
+    For holy was the place.
+  Only a little common flower
+    Looked boldly up and smiled
+  To see the happy mother come
+    A-carrying her Child.
+
+  The little Child He laughed aloud
+    To see the smiling flower,
+  And as He laughed the Marigold
+    Turned gold in that same hour.
+  For she was gay and innocent--
+    He loved to see her so--
+  And from the splendour of His face
+    She caught a golden glow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OPTIMIST.
+
+    "I have just completed a fortnight's tour on a tandem, and can
+    recommend this form of a holiday as the best I know of.... One Sunday
+    in June, without exaggeration, I was nearly killed twice, and my wife
+    was overcome with fright."--_C.T.C. Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, three children caught 182 green
+    wasps."--_Daily Paper._
+
+It is believed that they would not have been caught if they had not been
+green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent Admiralty Order:--
+
+    "Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C. Officers and
+    men (Royal Marines) during the current year, for walking out purposes
+    only."
+
+It is believed that His Majesty's Jollies have received the order without
+enthusiasm, on the ground that no mention is made of anything being inside
+the frocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ICONOCLAST.
+
+SIR ALFRED MOND. "I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DISTURB YOUR MAJESTY, BUT, OWING TO
+THE SHORTAGE OF SITES--"
+
+GEORGE III. "SHORTAGE OF SIGHTS, INDEED!"
+
+[It is understood that a number of London statues, including that of George
+III. in Cockspur Street, are to be removed by the Office of Works to make
+room for new ones.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Heavy Father._ "PUT YOUR 'AT ON THIS MINUTE, SIR. DO YOU
+WANT TO CATCH YOUR DEATHERCOLD?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISIONARY.
+
+  'Twas last week at Pebble Bay
+    That I saw the little goat,
+  Harnessed to a little shay.
+    Old was he and poor in coat,
+  And he lugged his load along
+  Where the barefoot children throng
+  Round the nigger minstrels' song.
+
+  But his eye, aloof and chill,
+    Said to me as plain as plain,
+  "I am waiting, waiting still,
+    Till the gods come back again;
+  Starved and ugly, mean, unkempt,
+  I have dreams by you undreamt,
+  And--I hold you in contempt!
+
+  "Dreams of forest routs that trooped,
+    Shadowy maidens crowned with vines,
+  Dreams where Dian's self has stooped
+    Darkling 'neath the scented pines;
+  Or where he, old father Pan,
+  Took the hooves of me and ran
+  Fluting through the heart of man.
+
+  "Surely he must come again,
+    He the great, the horned one?
+  Shan't I caper in his train
+    Through the hours of feast and fun!"
+  And he looked with eyes of jade
+  Through the sunshine, through the shade,
+  Far beyond Marine Parade.
+
+      * * * * *
+
+  Should you go to Pebble Bay,
+    Golfing or to bathe and boat--
+  Should you see a loaded shay,
+    In the shafts a scarecrow goat,
+  Tell him that you hope (with me)
+  Pan will shortly set him free,
+  Pipe him home to Arcady.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET NOTES.
+
+Mr. P.F. WARNER has received countless expressions of regret on his
+retirement from first-class cricket. Among these he values not least a
+"round robin" from the sparrows at Lord's, all of whom he knows by name. In
+the score-book of Fate is this entry in letters of gold:
+
+  "Plum" _c_ Anno _b_ Domini 47.
+
+Long may he live to enjoy the cricket of others!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The test team of Australia being now complete, all correspondence on the
+subject of its exclusions must cease. We therefore do not print a number of
+letters asking why there is no one named Geddes on the side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. FENDER and HOBBS are said to be actuated by the same motto, "For Hearth
+and Home." Both are pledged to return covered with "the ashes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the recent Surrey and Middlesex match Mr. SKEET bewildered the crowd by
+fielding as if he liked it. Hitherto this vulgar manifestation has been
+confined to HITCH and HENDREN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although so late in the season Yorkshire has great hopes of a colt named
+HIRST, who has just joined the side. He was seen bowling at Eton and was
+secured at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a strong feeling in Worcestershire that a single-wicket match
+between LEE of Middlesex and Mr. PERRIN of Essex would be a very saucy
+affair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE UNKNOWN."
+
+Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, who recently intrigued and perhaps just a little
+scandalised the town with a most engagingly flippant and piquant farce all
+about an accidentally bigamous beauty, certainly shows courage in launching
+so serious a discussion as _The Unknown_. And in the silly season too. I
+see that in a quite unlikely interview (but then all modern interviews are
+unlikely) he defends his right to discuss religion quite openly on the
+stage. Of course. Why should anybody deny that religion is to the normally
+constituted mind, whatever its doxy, an absorbingly interesting subject; or
+that the War hasn't made a breach in the barriers of British reticence?
+Whether to the point of making a perfectly good married Vicar (anxious to
+convict a doubting D.S.O. of sin) ask in a full drawing-room containing the
+Vicaress, the Doctor and the D.S.O.'s fiancee, mother and father, "For
+instance, have you always been perfectly chaste?"--I am not so sure. Nor
+whether the War has really added to bereaved _Mrs. Littlewood's_ bitter
+"And who is going to forgive God?" any added force. If that kind of
+question is to be asked at all it might have been asked, and with perhaps
+more justice, at any time within the historical period. For the War might
+reasonably be attributed by the Unknown Defendant thus starkly put upon
+trial to man's deliberate folly, whereas....
+
+No doubt, however, Mr. MAUGHAM would say the shock of war has (like any
+other great catastrophe) tested the faith of many who are personally deeply
+stricken and found it wanting, while the whisper of doubt has swelled the
+more readily as there are many to echo it. So _Major John Wharton, D.S.O.,
+M.C._, having found war, contrary to his expectation of it as the most
+glorious manly sport in the world, a "muddy, mad, stinking, bloody
+business," loses the faith of his youth and says so, not with bravado but
+with regret. The Vicar, with dignity and restraint, but without much
+understanding and not without some hoary _cliches_; his wife, with venom
+(suggesting also incidentally sound argument for the celibacy of the
+clergy); the old _Colonel_ and his sweet unselfish wife, with affection;
+and _Sylvia_, _John's_ betrothed, with a strange passion, defend the old
+faith, _Sylvia_ to the point of breaking with her lover and getting her to
+a nunnery--a business which will in the end, I should guess, lay a heavier
+burden upon the nuns than upon _John_. The indecisive battle sways hither
+and thither. It is the _Doctor_ who sums up in a compromise which would
+shock the metaphysical theologian, but may suffice for the plain man, "God
+is merciful but not omnipotent. In His age-long fight against evil we can
+help--or hinder; why not help?"
+
+The most signal thing was Miss HAIDEE WRIGHT'S personal triumph as _Mrs.
+Littlewood_--a very fine interpretation of an interesting character. Mr.
+CHARLES V. FRANCE adds another decent Colonel to his military repertory.
+This actor always plays with distinction and with an ease of which the art
+is so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of his due meed of applause
+from the unperceptive. Lady TREE made a beautiful thing of the character of
+_Mrs. Wharton_, whose simple unselfishness was the best of all Mr.
+MAUGHAM'S arguments for the defence. Mr. R.H. HIGNETT nobly restrained
+himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept enough of the
+distinctive flavour to excite a passionate anti-clerical behind me into
+clamorously derisive laughter; a very good piece of work. Miss O'MALLEY
+acted a difficult, almost an impossibly difficult, part with a fine
+distinction. Mr. BASIL RATHBONE'S _Major_ and Mr. BLAKISTON'S _Doctor_ were
+excellent. I am sorry to be so monotonously approving....
+
+I am not convinced that Mr. MAUGHAM'S experiment has succeeded.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. ---- maintained that it was extraordinuary that if he was only
+    slightly dead deceased did not hear the lorry."--_Local Paper._
+
+Most extraordinuary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Generous Stranger._ "WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT? (_No
+answer._) I SAY--WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PINT?"
+
+_Hodge._ "DON'T 'EE ASK ZILLY QUESTIONS. ORDER IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY.
+
+George and I are two ordinary people. He studies the Weather Reports every
+day; I do occasionally. He thinks he understands meteorology; I don't. But
+lately I felt that I _must_ have some explanation of the weather, so I
+asked George to explain it.
+
+He said, "Certainly; it's quite simple. Take wind. Wind is caused by
+differences of _pressure_."
+
+"What _is_ pressure? Who is pressing what?"
+
+"Pressure is what the barometer tells you--not the thermometer; you must
+keep the thermometer out of this. Suppose it is very hot in London--"
+
+"Don't be ridiculous."
+
+"Well, suppose it is very hot at a place A--"
+
+"I thought we were keeping the thermometer out of this."
+
+"It comes in indirectly. But don't keep interrupting. If it is very hot at
+the place A, the air at A rises. You see?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Obviously it does. If you light a candle--"
+
+"Yes, yes, I do see that. Don't begin about candles."
+
+"Well, the result of that is that there is less _pressure_ at A. In other
+words, there is more room for the air to move about. When that happens the
+air at the place B--"
+
+"Where is that?"
+
+"Oh anywhere. I told you to think of two places, A and B."
+
+"No, you told me to think of a place A, and I am still thinking of it,
+because it is very hot there."
+
+"Well, this is another place, where the pressure is simply frightful. When
+the air rises at A the air from B rushes over to A to fill up the gap, and
+that is what we call wind."
+
+"I see."
+
+"No, you don't. It isn't quite so simple as that. Now, the atoms of air
+rushing from B to A don't go _straight_ there, but they travel in--in sort
+of _circles_."
+
+"Why do they do that?"
+
+"Well, the fact is that these atoms are so keen to get over to A, where
+there is plenty of room, that they jostle each other, and that makes them
+go round and round. If they go round and round _against_ the clock, like
+that, they are called cyclones, or depressions, or low-pressure systems. If
+they go with the clock, like that, it is an anti-cyclone."
+
+"Oh!"
+
+"What do you mean--'Oh'?"
+
+"What I said; but go on."
+
+"Now suppose this air--"
+
+"Which air?"
+
+"The air from B. Suppose it is travelling in a cyclone--"
+
+"But isn't a cyclone a low-pressure thingummy?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And didn't you say that B was a high-pressure place?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then how does the air coming from B manage to be low-pressure stuff?"
+
+"I see what you mean. There _is_ an explanation, but it would take too long
+to hazard it now. Suppose the air is coming from B in an anti-cyclone, then
+..."
+
+"All right. I'll suppose that."
+
+"... it rushes over to A and fills up the gap. There is more pressure at A
+and the barometer goes up--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains. You see, the air from B is colder than the air at A was
+before the air came from B."
+
+"I _don't_ see."
+
+"Well, obviously it _must_ be."
+
+"How 'obviously'?"
+
+"Well, the whole thing started with it being very hot at A, you remember,
+so that the air rose. If it had been hotter still at B just then the air
+would have risen at B instead, and it couldn't have rushed over to A.
+There'd have been a frightful muddle."
+
+"There is."
+
+"Well, it's your own fault for interrupting. This air, then--"
+
+"Which air is this?"
+
+"The air from B. The air from B cools the air at A--"
+
+"But I thought the air at A had risen."
+
+"Not all of it. And that makes it rain."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Oh, well, I can't go into that. It's something to do with condensation.
+Air absorbs more moisture when it is hot than when it is cold--"
+
+"So do I. I understand that."
+
+"When the air cools the water condenses."
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains, you fool."
+
+"When is it fine?"
+
+"Wait a bit. The falling of the rain of course generates heat--"
+
+"Why 'of course'?"
+
+"I can't explain _exactly_, but you know perfectly well that it's always
+warmer on a cold day after the rain."
+
+"Yes, but not on a hot day."
+
+"Yes, it is."
+
+"No, it isn't."
+
+"It is, really. Anyhow, this is a cold day."
+
+"No, it isn't. You said it was very hot at A."
+
+"I'm not going to argue. You must take it from me that rain generates
+heat."
+
+"All right. Is it fine then?"
+
+"No. Heat being generated the air rises. The result of that is that there
+is less _pressure_ at A--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"I've explained already what happens then. The air from B--"
+
+"Do we begin all over again now?"
+
+"More or less, yes."
+
+"So that at this place, A, it's always raining or just going to rain?"
+
+"Yes, if it starts by being hot there, as it did just now, I suppose it
+is."
+
+"What happens if it starts by being cold?"
+
+"It rains. I've explained that. The cold air can't contain so much
+moisture--"
+
+"Don't begin that again. What about B? Is it any good going there? We had
+frightfully high pressure there at one time."
+
+"Yes, but it rains so much at A that more and more air rushes from B to A
+to fill up the gap caused by the air rising on account of the heat
+generated by the rain falling, and very soon you get frightfully low
+pressure at B--"
+
+"Is it fine then?"
+
+"No, it rains."
+
+"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at B?"
+
+"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at B."
+
+"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?"
+
+"From the place C."
+
+"Is it fine there?"
+
+"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A."
+
+"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it _must_ rain."
+
+"More or less, yes. More really."
+
+"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to go?"
+
+"There is a place, D--"
+
+"What happens there?"
+
+"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary depressions."
+
+"Then where do you advise me to go?"
+
+"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I have."
+
+"I think you have. I understand it now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hope you all do.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir,--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
+
+    'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.'
+
+    Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this
+    very neat and apt definition."--_Letter in Daily Paper._
+
+We rather think the printer had a hand in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE AT
+COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE, HAS LED
+MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF THE
+FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF PICTURESQUE
+SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guide_ (_after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps_).
+"THESE, SIR, ARE THE FAMOUS GARGOYLES I MENTIONED."
+
+_Perspiring American._ "GEE! I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'GARGLES.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES.
+
+Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second mechanic at
+the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, Puddlesby. It was
+when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical Society that his
+troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and hard-working a little
+man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and weighed in at seven stone
+four. But above all he was an expert in rubber tyres; he knew them, I had
+almost said, by instinct.
+
+The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of Souls. As
+I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell you about
+it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see the connection
+between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will have patience I
+think I can promise to show you _that_ at least.
+
+One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S., fell
+asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory experience in
+a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he knew. He perceived
+that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that he was no longer plain
+Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of the Artful Arm, and
+known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he had just been
+challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh fight, and (for the
+seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had accepted. He soon added to the
+stock of his information the fact that, as the challenged party, he had the
+choice of time, place and weapons.
+
+He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable
+warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose hair
+he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had ever
+killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle Road. He
+felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to propose as the
+time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as the weapon,
+motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as far as
+mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, however,
+did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a counter-
+proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three days'
+time.
+
+Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He got
+through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but had
+fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the
+esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the details
+of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir Hugh, merely
+adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was customary in
+the better-class combats of that day.
+
+He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably
+depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity
+compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned
+ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands,
+coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and
+did not fail to be ready in time.
+
+When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion
+reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his faithful
+esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide, which covered
+the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly in folds all
+round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached to the front
+of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in the vernacular of
+those stout times--
+
+"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy vile
+bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye blowinge."
+
+Whereupon the trusty varlet blew.
+
+Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of
+Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-a-pie in
+a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather
+over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an
+object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive
+observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir
+Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire, had
+inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and laced up
+like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists with a
+feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several days.
+
+They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero
+wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right arm,
+and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold also upon
+his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that no one in
+the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together beneath the
+horse's belly.
+
+If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding
+straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the left
+side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string which
+attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost his
+balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily from the
+Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the moment when
+he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough way on to bring
+him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained a vertical
+position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and with the
+same result.
+
+Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles might
+have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the distinguished
+audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth revolution.
+
+Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every turn,
+and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was going very
+fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found touch, first
+bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons rolled him back
+again into the field of play.
+
+It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during these
+proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to catch a
+glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first onslaught, and
+he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered that the haughty
+Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was slogging him round
+the lists; in short, was playing polo with him.
+
+But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he was
+not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The Baron,
+worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking.
+
+So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought of
+choosing _smooth_ maces. A spike would have punctured the cover in no
+time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end.
+
+His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic!
+
+Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost swooned
+away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube. There was a
+perplexed pause....
+
+And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles woke
+with a shriek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium on
+transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring to a
+previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of the game
+required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more bloodthirsty and
+pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to prove that little
+Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not quite the man for this
+sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of dreams. Anyway, shortly after
+his painful experience he withdrew his subscription from the Puddlesby
+Psychical Society and ceased for ever to assist at their seances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_by way of shewing sympathy to victim of
+demon bowler_). "RUM GAME, CRICKET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE OVERLAND ROUTE.
+
+    "MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS.
+
+    Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "James ----, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V and Czecho-
+    Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt he must
+    have some amusement."--_Evening Paper._
+
+The little Bolshevist!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a
+contemporary:--
+
+    "In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway
+    communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and
+    other northern and western centres."
+
+Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a feuilleton:--
+
+    "Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right
+    round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the
+    receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she panted."--
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+And then, we suppose, she wrote to the POSTMASTER-GENERAL to complain of
+the inefficiency of the service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Junior Partner of Firm_ (_exempted on business grounds
+during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised
+officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three
+times_). "YOU SAY YOU WERE THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN FRANCE AND YET DON'T
+SPEAK THE LANGUAGE? IT SEEMS TO ME YOU WASTED YOUR TIME ABROAD, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND.
+
+(_By a Student of Manners._)
+
+The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of
+August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the
+renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions;
+they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not
+renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be
+pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered
+by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard of
+efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one
+Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members of
+another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, August
+and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in
+London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be
+able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts available
+will be greatly enhanced.
+
+For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the decorators,
+is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent experiments
+have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and tranquillising influence on
+persons of an irritable disposition. A sumptuous dormitory is being erected
+on the top floor, where slow music will be discoursed every afternoon, from
+three to seven, by a Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid
+out for the recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts
+has been keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the
+basement to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with
+a vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American
+bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete
+books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of DELL,
+BARCLAY, WELLS, ZANE GREY and BENNETT. Three interesting rumours about the
+future of the Club may be given with due reserve--the first, that in the
+near future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord
+Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third,
+that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of
+"Arthur's."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Smith Minor's French Paper:
+
+    "Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui etait tres mechante.'--'The
+    farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to
+    Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."--_Daily
+    Mirror._
+
+Another injustice to Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+    bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+    sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+    divorce."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
+
+POLAND (_to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament_).
+"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A
+QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: GOING TO THE COUNTRY?
+
+"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the economic
+use of charabancs."--_Sir ERIC GEDDES._
+
+_First "Banc."_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. BALFOUR, Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN, Mr. CHURCHILL.
+
+_Second "Banc."_ Sir E. GEDDES, Mr. SHORTT, Mr. LONG, Sir ROBERT HORNE,
+Col. AMERY.
+
+_Third "Banc."_ Mr. ILLINGWORTH, Lord E. TALBOT, Mr. FISHER, Dr. ADDISON,
+Sir GORDON HEWART.
+
+_Fourth "Banc."_ Mr. KELLAWAY, Sir M. BARLOW, Sir L. WORTHINGTON EVANS, Sir
+A.G. BOSCAWEN, Mr. TOWYN JONES.
+
+_Fifth "Banc."_ Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, Mr. BALDWIN, Sir JAMES CRAIG, Mr.
+DENIS HENRY, Mr. NEAL.
+
+_Sixth "Banc."_ Mr. MONTAGU, Dr. MACNAMARA, Mr. MCCURDY, Mr. IAN
+MACPHERSON, Sir A. MOND.]
+
+_Monday, August, 9th._--In an atmosphere of appropriate gloom the House of
+Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. Even the LORD
+CHANCELLOR could say little more for the measure than that it might
+possibly enable some of the persons now in custody to be tried; and most of
+the other Peers who spoke seemed to think that it would be either
+mischievous or useless. The only confident opinion expressed was that of
+the elderly Privy Councillor, who from the steps of the Throne ejaculated,
+"If you pass this Bill you may kill England, not Ireland." But despite this
+unconventional warning the Peers took the risk.
+
+The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel WEDGWOOD'S tie. Of
+ample dimensions and of an ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and
+South-Western Railway porter might envy, it dominated the proceedings
+throughout Question-time. Beside it Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER'S pink shirt paled
+its ineffectual fires.
+
+When Viscount CURZON renewed his anti-charabancs campaign and Sir ERIC
+GEDDES was doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory
+suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red
+gleam from Colonel WEDGWOOD'S shirt-front. At once, the old railway
+instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the danger-signal and hastily
+cramming on his brakes, Sir ERIC observed that it would be "a great
+calamity" to prevent the economic use of the charabancs.
+
+_Tuesday, August 10th._--As Lord Great Chamberlain, and therefore official
+custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord LINCOLNSHIRE mentioned with
+due solemnity the regrettable incident of the day before. Lord CURZON
+thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. CARLISLE) should be allowed to
+explain his behaviour, and suggested that he should himself address to him
+a suitable letter. Several noble lords--anticipating, no doubt, that,
+whatever else came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively
+reading--said "Hear, hear."
+
+A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority--28 to 23--that there
+should be no Minister of Mines, but only an Under-Secretary. Lord PEEL now
+sought to induce them to change their minds. His principal argument was
+that a Minister would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a
+Secretary and would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so
+conspicuously lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be
+true, for they proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23.
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER.
+
+M. KRASSIN CONTEMPLATES THE COMMONS.]
+
+There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S
+statement on Poland. The Duke of YORK was over the Clock, flanked by the
+Archbishop of CANTERBURY on one side and Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN (who
+sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other.
+
+Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at
+Question-time. Mr. CHURCHILL denied that he had ever suggested an alliance
+with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as we are keeping the Watch on
+the Rhine with only thirteen thousand men--just three thousand more than it
+takes to garrison London--perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered,
+no great opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to
+describe the disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to
+retire before "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his
+upper lip.
+
+For two-thirds of his speech the PRIME MINISTER was the sober statesman,
+discussing with due solemnity the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish
+crisis. The Poles had been rash and must take the consequences. We should
+not help them unless the Bolshevists, not content with punishment,
+threatened the extinction of Poland's independence.
+
+Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he chaffed
+the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an
+unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even
+sacrificed a colleague. LENIN was an aristocrat, TROTSKY a journalist. "In
+fact"--turning to Mr. CHURCHILL--"my right honourable friend is an
+embodiment of both."
+
+A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. ASQUITH and Mr. ADAMSON ended
+in favour of the EX-PREMIER, who doubted whether the best way to ensure
+peace was to attack one of the parties to the dispute, and proceeded to
+make things more or less even by vigorously chiding Poland for her
+aggression. Mr. CLYNES, while admitting that the Labour Party would have to
+reconsider its position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still
+maintained that we had not played a straight game from Russia.
+
+Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, communication
+was established between the Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers'
+Gallery. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE read the terms offered by the Soviet to the
+Poles, and gave them a guarded approval.
+
+_Wednesday, August 11th._--A Bill to prohibit ready-money betting on
+football matches was introduced by Lord GAINFORD (who played for Cambridge
+forty years ago) and supported by Lord MEATH, "a most enthusiastic player"
+of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading of these
+experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord GAINFORD proposed
+to rush it through goal straightaway his course was barred by Lord
+BIRKENHEAD, an efficient Lord "Keeper."
+
+A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the late
+Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN furnished occasion for the PRIME MINISTER and Mr.
+ASQUITH to indulge in generous praise of a political opponent. Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE (with his eye on the Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was
+"essentially a Parliamentary country," we did well to honour "a great
+Parliamentarian"; and the EX-PREMIER (with his eye on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE)
+selected for special note among Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S characteristics that he
+had "no blurred edges."
+
+A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the
+startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the policy
+announced yesterday by the PRIME MINISTER, to give immediate recognition to
+General WRANGEL. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE expressed his "surprise and anxiety" and
+could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. To
+give time for its removal the House decided to postpone its holiday and
+adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE HEADACHES FOR THE HISTORIAN.
+
+Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished
+Strangers' Gallery during the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on Poland last week.
+Hence these tears:--
+
+    "In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with
+    English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed
+    intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest,
+    but often with animated comment."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+    "The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the
+    Premier's speech." _Evening News_.
+
+    "Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague doesn't
+    speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned over
+    and whispered a translation into the other's ear."--_Star_.
+
+    "The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless,
+    and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but
+    this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of
+    the Prime Minister."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY.
+
+_229th ed., folio, 2 vols._ (_Sour and Taxwell, 85s._).
+
+All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new
+edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be found
+on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its
+combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of
+English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic
+as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down,"
+and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur.
+
+It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work, and to
+say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is invariably
+happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on _Real Property_ his
+sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of expression do ample justice
+to the perennial freshness of his subject. The reader is swiftly carried
+from situation to situation and thrill follows thrill with daring rapidity.
+The plot is of the simplest, but worked out with surprising skill, while
+the events are related with that vivid imagination which the subject
+demands. Who is there that does not feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice
+with the heir when he comes, upon reversion, into the property from which
+he has been so long excluded? Mr. Blewitt treats this incident with a sense
+of romance and picturesqueness of language reminiscent of the ballad of
+"The Lord of Lynn." In its facts the ballad bears a striking resemblance to
+those so graphically described by our author, but in point of execution
+lacks the true breath of poetic inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's
+book.
+
+Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not sympathise
+with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the fair widow whom
+he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate soul is subject
+to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's silence on the
+disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts which tormented
+his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of _Hamlet_.
+
+It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr. Blewitt
+is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in works of this nature to equal the
+skilful psychological analysis, the sympathy of treatment and the fidelity
+to nature with which the author draws line by line the character of Q. The
+description of him as seised in fee simple is a touch of genius. We can
+remember nothing in the English language to compare with this unless it be
+that brilliant passage in which Mr. Blewitt sketches in a few lightning
+strokes the character of Richard Roe, a man at once pugnacious,
+overbearing, litigious and utterly regardless of truth and honesty.
+
+The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of learning
+in publishing this new edition. The editing is very creditable to English
+scholarship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069, in which the
+reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the _Timbuctoo Law
+Review_, which, in fairness to the editor (of _Real Property_), is not, of
+course, quoted here. The student will, we have no doubt, feel himself fully
+recompensed by this new matter for the price of the new volumes and the
+depreciation of the 228th edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NERVES ON THE GREEN.
+
+_Irascible Golfer._ "CONFOUND IT! WHAT _IS_ THAT INFERNAL OIL-ENGINE OR
+SOMETHING THAT BEGINS THUMPING WHENEVER I AM PUTTING?"
+
+_Caddie._ "I THINK IT MUST BE T'OTHER GENTLEMAN'S 'EART, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES.
+
+    Residents in the area between the county town and ---- are now able to
+    do their shopping at either place with the maximum of inconvenience so
+    far as travel is concerned."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Just as in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GISH-JINGLE.
+
+    [_The Times_ in a recent article on events in the Film world announces
+    the impending arrival in Europe of Miss DOROTHY GISH, adding, however,
+    that the visit is mainly undertaken for recreation.]
+
+  Let others discourse and descant
+    Upon MANNIX the martyr archbish,
+  Me rather it pleases to chant
+    The arrival of DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  Among the _elite_ of the Screen
+    She holds an exalted posit.;
+  But in Europe she never has been
+    Hitherto, hasn't DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  And it's well to consider aright
+    That she harbours the laudable wish
+  For a holiday, not for the light
+    Of the lime, does Miss DOROTHY GISH.
+
+  None the less with the wildest surmise
+    Do I muse on the bountiful dish
+  Of sensation purveyed for the wise
+    And the foolish by DOROTHY GISH.
+
+         * * * * *
+
+  Will you strengthen the hands of LLOYD GEORGE
+    Or frown on the poor Coalit.?
+  Will you force profiteers to disgorge,
+    Beneficent DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Do you hold by self-governing schools?
+    Do you think that headmasters should swish
+  Or adopt Montessorian rules,
+    Benevolent DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Will they give you an Oxford degree?
+    Will you learn to call marmalade "squish"?
+  Will KENWORTHY ask you to tea
+    On the Terrace, great DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Do you favour the Russ or the Pole?
+    Will you visit the Servians at Nish?
+  Are you sound on the subject of coal?
+    Are you Pussyfoot, DOROTHY GISH?
+
+  Are you going to be terribly mobbed
+    When attending the concerts of KRISH?
+  Are your tresses luxuriant or "bobbed"?
+    Do tell us, kind DOROTHY GISH!
+
+  Meanwhile we are moody and mad,
+    Like SAUL the descendant of KISH,
+  Oh, arrive and make everyone glad,
+    Delectable DOROTHY GISH!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Lady Clerk; one accustomed to milk ledgers preferred."--_New
+    Zealand Paper._
+
+But how does one milk a ledger?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLUE MOUNTAINS.
+
+                  A SOUTH INDIAN LOVESONG.
+
+  When the long trick's wearing over and a spell of leave comes due
+  The most'll go back to Blighty to see if their dreams are true;
+  There's some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex
+      downs,
+  There's some that'll cling to the country and some that'll turn to towns;
+  But _I_ know what _I_'ll do, and I'll do it right or wrong,
+  I'll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong.
+
+  Athol's a bonny country and Sussex is good to see,
+  But it's long since I left Blighty and I'm not what I used to be;
+  And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel's fine,
+  And that may be most folk's fancy, but it somehow isn't mine;
+  For _I_ know what _I_ like, and the Land of Heart's Delight
+  For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where I feel right.
+
+  So I'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail
+  And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale,
+  And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore
+  I'll see them hung in the tinted sky and I won't ask for more;
+  For _I_'ll know I'm happy and I'll make my morning prayer
+  Of thanks for the sun on the Blue Mountains and me to be going there.
+
+  The little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need,
+  Crawling its way to Adderly, crawling to Runnymede;
+  And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey's
+      end,
+  And the breeze shall say to me "Brother" and the hills shall hail me
+      "Friend,"
+  While the clear Kateri River sings lovesongs in my ear,
+  And I'll feel "Now I'm home again! Ah! but I'm welcome here."
+
+  Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahs lie
+  And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs
+      my eye;
+  And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood,
+  And the dear sun shining on Ooty, and oh! but I'll find it good;
+  For _I_'ll have what _I_ wanted, and all the worrying done,
+  Because I'm back to the Blue Mountains and they and I are one.
+
+  There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire
+  For minds that are over-weary, for bodies that toil and tire,
+  And over all that a something, a something that says, "You know,
+  It's the one place of all places where the gods meant _you_ to go."
+  Well, the gods know what _they_ know, and I wouldn't say them nay,
+  And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terribly far away,
+  So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the betting is, I'll stay.
+
+  H.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET IN WAILS--A HOWLING SUCCESS.
+
+    "E.H. ---- bawled consistently for the visitors, taking seven wickets
+    of 168."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS.
+
+As a sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-famine, I have started a
+Correspondence Bureau, ostensibly for advising parents as to the pursuits
+their offspring should take up, but really for propaganda purposes, the
+object being the assuagement of this terrible evil.
+
+Consequently my replies to inquiries are all moulded to this end.
+
+For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton:--
+
+"My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent. Do
+please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one whose
+father is a member of the Stock Exchange."
+
+I replied, "Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few more
+lucrative occupations outside Bradford, unless it be that of a builder, in
+which the scope is absolutely unlimited. I am enclosing a copy of last
+week's _Builder and Architect_, in which you will find some great thoughts
+expressed. Pray let Algernon read it. It may be the means of inducing him
+to perform great deeds for England's sake."
+
+Another fond parent wrote:--
+
+"Can you advise an anxious mother as to a career for her only son, John
+William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes and
+fair hair and is a perfect darling, so good and obedient, but he is firmly
+resolved to be a lift-man when he grows up."
+
+I answered her soothingly thus:--
+
+"John Willie is rather young to have made a final decision, I think. Let
+his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, liftman, engine-
+driver, bus-conductor, sailor, etc. At fifteen or so he will have left
+these behind, and for the next few years will probably settle down to the
+idea of being nothing in particular, or else a professional cricketer. Then
+he will suddenly, for good or evil, make his choice. Neither his blue eyes
+nor his fair hair give any clue as to what that choice will be, but I
+should let him keep both, as they may be useful to him.
+
+"If he should determine upon a career involving manual work, I should take
+steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying. At the
+rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight per
+week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the time he
+arrives at bricklaying maturity.
+
+"It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to graduate in Commerce
+before being eligible, but probably it would be necessary, as the best
+bricklayers, I'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is a sort of
+caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to keep
+outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs bricklayers, and
+will go on needing them for years. Let John Willie step forward when he is
+old enough."
+
+To the mother who asked if I considered that her youngest boy would be well
+advised to adopt the Housebreaking profession I wrote:--
+
+"To which part of this profession do you refer? If to the Burgling branch I
+would ask, 'Has he the iron nerve, the indomitable will, above all has he
+the brain power for this exacting craft? Can he stand the exposure to the
+night air, the exposure before an Assize jury, and the rigours of the
+Portland stone quarries?' If so, let him take a course of illustrated
+lectures at the cinema.
+
+"If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down of houses, I say,
+'No! A thousand times, no!' He should be taught that there is a crying need
+for a constructive, not a destructive policy. Let him adopt one; buy him
+drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, and teach him that the noblest work
+of creation is (unless it be a bricklayer or builder) an architect. Though
+the War is over we must still keep the home fires burning. This implies
+chimneys, and chimneys imply houses, and few there be that can plan houses
+that will both please the eye and pass the local authorities."
+
+Lady Jubb wrote from Toffley Hall, Blankshire, to say that her elder son
+(seventeen) had no ideas for the future beyond becoming Master of the
+Barchester when he grew up, but that she was anxious that he should try for
+some more lucrative post, official preferred.
+
+I replied thus:--
+
+"So your son looks no higher than a Mastership of Foxhounds. Well, well, I
+suppose that so long as there are such things as hounds he, as well as
+another, may take on the job of Master.
+
+"But I thoroughly approve of your desire that he should try for something
+higher in life, especially for some official post; and what official post
+is or can be superior to that of a Borough Surveyor? Can you not persuade
+him that this great office is what one chooses to make it, and that, as an
+autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be compared to the B.S., for, whereas the
+former can at the most scorch the few people foolish enough to remain
+within ear-shot, the latter can with a breath damn a whole row of houses
+and blast the careers of an army of builders with a word."
+
+And so the propaganda proceeds.
+
+If my efforts result in even one house being erected I shall, I think, have
+earned my O.B.E., though I would rather have the house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _My Lady Bountiful._ "SO YOUR MOTHER IS BETTER THROUGH
+TAKING THE QUININE I GAVE HER?"
+
+_Little Girl_ (_doing her best to carry out instructions_). "YES'M. BUT SHE
+SAYS SHE'S WORSE OF THE COMPLAINT WOT YOU GIVES 'ER PORT WINE FOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TERRITORIAL.
+
+  Oh, civil life is fine and free, with no one to obey,
+  No sergeants shouting, "Show a leg!" or "Double up!" all day;
+  No buttons to be polished, no army boots to wear,
+  And nobody to tick you off because you grow your hair.
+
+  It's great to sleep beneath a roof that keeps the rain outside,
+  To eat a daintier kind of grub than quarter-blokes provide,
+  To rise o' mornings when you wish and when you wish turn in,
+  To shirk a shave and never hear the truth about your chin;
+
+  And not to have to pad the hoof through blazing sun or rain,
+  Intent on getting nowhere and foot-slogging back again,
+  To realise no N.C.O. has any more the right
+  To rob you of your beauty-sleep with "Guard to-morrow night!"
+
+  All this is great, of course it is, yet here we are once more
+  Obeying sergeants just for fun and cheerier than before;
+  We haven't any good excuse, we've got no war to win--
+  But nothing's touched the kit-bag yet for packing troubles in.
+
+  W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TASTE OF AUTHORITY.
+
+I have often wished I were an expert at something. How I envy the man who,
+before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the proffered
+sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells it at close
+quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very brave, pulls out
+a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the tailor, abashed and
+discomfited, produces for the lucky expert from the interior of his
+premises that choice bale of pre-war quality which he was keeping for his
+own use.
+
+I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening.
+Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help me.
+
+"My dear fellow," he said, "in these days of specialisation one has to be
+brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth or
+canaries or bathroom tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a
+moment."
+
+"Can you help me?" I asked.
+
+"As regards tea, I can," he replied. "Jorkins over there is in the tea
+business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of
+tea-tasting."
+
+"I should be awfully glad if you would," said I. "We never get any decent
+tea at home."
+
+Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and efficient character. I saw
+Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow.
+
+"Watch me carefully," said Jorkins, "and listen to what I say. Take a
+little leaf into the palm of your left hand. Rub it lightly with the
+fingers and gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose and snuff up strongly.
+Pick out a strand and bite through the leaf slowly with the front teeth,
+thus. Just after biting pass the tip of the tongue behind the front teeth
+and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. Sorry I must go
+now. Good day."
+
+Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times
+before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look
+which Jorkins wore during the operation.
+
+At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers of
+teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and began
+the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and gazed at it
+earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a strand and
+bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after biting I
+passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate, completing
+the act of deglutition.
+
+So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to
+accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was up
+against one of the mandarins of the trade. So I said with severity, "Please
+don't show me any more common stuff; I want the best you have."
+
+The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was
+evidently about to speak.
+
+"Kindly refrain from expostulating," I went on; "content yourself with
+showing me your finest blend."
+
+He went away to the back of the shop, muttering; clearly he recognised
+defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest.
+
+"Try this," said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled rage.
+
+I took a handful and once more went through the whole ceremony. It was
+nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of my
+performance I assumed a look of satisfaction. "Give me five pounds of
+that," said I with the air of a conqueror.
+
+Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success.
+
+"Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, did he?"
+
+"He did. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to
+deglute--everything."
+
+"And with what result?"
+
+"With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the finest tea
+that the greatest experts have blended from the combined products of Assam
+and China."
+
+"Tea?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, tea of course. You didn't suppose that I was talking of oysters?"
+
+"Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Alured," said my wife, "I wish you wouldn't buy things for the house. That
+tea is low-grade sweepings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LE GRAND PENSEUR.
+
+(_With apologies to the late AUGUSTE RODIN._)
+
+ADVERTISING ENTHUSIAST ON HIS HOLIDAY SEEKING INSPIRATION FOR A NEW
+ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he
+    turned the first sot of the new university."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Turned him out, we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that a
+    nation was known by its soul and not by its asses."--_South African
+    Paper._
+
+Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past braying
+for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The doings (or rather sayings!) in the Legislature we are watching
+    with sympathy and some impatience, much as a bachelor bears with the
+    gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before
+    dinner."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+And the worst of it is that the Legislature is gambling with _our_ money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss ----, director of natural science studies at Newnham College,
+    Oxford, will preside."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We are glad to hear of this new women's college at Oxford, but surely they
+might have chosen a more original name for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.G.J. writes: "Your picture of 'Come unto these Yellow Sands' in the
+number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following
+line, 'The Wild Waves Whist.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU AT CHURCH FOR TWO SUNDAYS, JOHN."
+
+"NO, SIR. NO OFFENCE T'YOU, BUT OI A-BIN DOIN' T' CHAPEL PASSON'S GARDEN,
+SO MISSUS THOUGHT WE'D BETTER GIVE 'IM A TURN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+To review one of Mr. E.F. BENSON'S social satires always gives me somewhat
+the sensations of the reporter at the special sermon--a relieved
+consciousness that, being present on business, my own withers may be
+supposed professionally unwrung. Otherwise, so exploratory a lash.... I
+seldom recall the touch of it more shrewd than in _Queen Lucia_
+(HUTCHINSON), an altogether delightful castigation of those persons whom a
+false rusticity causes to change a good village into the sham-bucolic home
+of crazes, fads and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the
+Riseholme community has its centre in _Mrs. Lucas_, the acknowledged queen
+of the place (_Lucia_ = wife of _Lucas_, which shows you the character of
+her empire in a single touch); the matter of the tale is to tell how her
+autocracy was threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish I had space to
+quote the description of the _Lucas_ home, "converted" from two genuine
+cottages, to which had been added a wing at right-angles, even more
+Elizabethan than the original, and a yew-hedge, "brought entire from a
+neighbouring farm and transplanted with solid lumps of earth and indignant
+snails around its roots." Perhaps, apart from the joy of the setting, you
+may find some of the incidents, the faith-healer, the medium and so on, a
+trifle obvious for Mr. BENSON. More worthy of him is the central episode--
+the arrival as a Riseholme resident of _Olga Bracely_, the operatic star of
+international fame. Her talk, her attitude towards the place, and the
+subtle contrast suggested by her between the genuine and the pretence, show
+Mr. BENSON at his light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, in
+speaking of which you will observe I have not once so much as mentioned the
+word "Cotswolds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Michael Forth_ (CONSTABLE) will doubtless convey a wonderful message to
+those of us who are clever enough to grasp its meaning; but I fear that it
+will be a disappointment to many admirers of Miss MARY JOHNSTON'S earlier
+books. Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to follow this
+excursion into the region of metaphysics; indeed I felt as if I had fallen
+into the hands of a guide whose language I could only dimly and dully
+understand. All of which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that
+you should sample _Michael_ for yourselves and see what you can make of
+him. Miss JOHNSTON shouldered an unnecessarily heavy burden when she
+decided to tell the story of her hero in the first person, but in relating
+_Michael's_ childhood in his Virginian home she is at her simplest and
+best. Afterwards, when _Michael_ became intent on going "deeper and deeper
+within," he succeeded so well that he concealed himself from me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and heartily approve
+the growing fashion of publishing or republishing them in volume form, I am
+the more jealous that the good repute of this practice should be preserved
+from damage by association with unworthy material. I'm afraid this is a
+somewhat ominous introduction to a notice of _The Eve of Pascua_
+(HEINEMANN), in which, to be brutally frank, I found little justification
+for even such longevity as modern paper conditions permit. "RICHARD DEHAN"
+is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of the public, but none of the
+tales in this collection will do anything to add to the debt. The best is
+perhaps a very short and quite happily told little jest called "An
+Impression," about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing herself as
+interpreted by an Impressionist painter. There is also a sufficiently
+picturesque piece of Wardour Street medievalism in "The Tribute of the
+Kiss," and some original scenery in "The Mother of Turquoise." But beyond
+this (though I searched diligently) nothing; indeed worse, since more than
+one of the remaining tales, notably "Wanted, a King" and "The End of the
+Cotillion," are so preposterous that their inclusion here can only be
+attributed to the most cynical indifference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the ingredients of _Irish
+Stew_ (SKEFFINGTON) are in fact Irish, and though Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS is
+best known as a novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and
+traditional horses, I am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adventures of
+_Mr. Jones_, trusted employe of _Mosenthals and Co._, better than Mrs.
+CONYERS' stage Irishmen. "Our Mr. Jones" is neither a _Sherlock Holmes_ nor
+an _Aristide Pujol_, neither a _Father Brown_ nor a _Bob Pretty_, but
+nevertheless he is an engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs.
+CONYERS' hunting _clientele_ may much prefer to read about the dishonesties
+of _Con Cassidy_ and his fellow-horse-copers and the simple but heroic
+_O'Toole_ and his supernatural friends. But, as the average Irish hunting
+man cares little more for books than he does for bill-collectors, his
+preference may not be of paramount importance. In any case the Irish
+ingredients of _Irish Stew_ would be easier to assimilate if Mrs. CONYERS
+would refrain from trying to spell English as the Irish speak it. If the
+reader knows Ireland it is unnecessary and merely makes reading a task. If
+the reader does not know Ireland no amount of phonetic spelling will
+reproduce a single one of the multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with
+sound and empty it of sense. On the whole Mrs. CONYERS' public will not be
+disappointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it is _Mr. Jones_ who will
+give them their money's worth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was, I confess, a little sceptical--you know how it is--when I read what
+Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON'S official reviewer said of Mr. HAL. G.
+EVARTS' _The Cross-Pull_: "The best dog story since The Call of the Wild,"
+etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr. EVARTS' hero,
+_Flash_, is a noble beast of mixed strain--grey wolf, coyote, dog. The
+Cross-Pull is the conflict between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to
+his master and mistress whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf
+whose proper business is to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most
+tamed brutes he is involved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate
+outlaws, among whom is his chief enemy, and he is fortunate enough to serve
+the state while pursuing to a successful end his bitter private quarrel.
+Brute _Brent_ gets and deserves the kind of bite which was planned by a
+far-seeing providence for the elk.... You can tell when an author really
+loves and knows animals or is merely "putting it on." Mr. EVARTS
+understands, sentimentalises less than most interpreters; seems to know a
+good deal. The story loses no interest from being set in the American
+hinterland of a few decades ago. All real animal lovers should get this
+book--they should really.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it is, to state what
+is obvious in regard to a subject while creating by the manner of the
+statement an impression of its subtler features, then Mr. PERCY BROWN, in
+writing _Germany in Dissolution_ (MELROSE), has proved himself a true
+artist. For in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the
+Spartacist rising certain things happened which got themselves safely into
+the newspapers, and these he sets forth, mostly in headline form. Beyond
+this Germany was a seething muddle of contradictions and cross-purposes,
+which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably reflected in his pages. Mr.
+BROWN is a journalist of the school that does not stick at a trifle, a
+German prison, for instance, when his dear public wants news. His crowning
+achievement was to persuade Dr. SOLF, when Foreign Minister, to send
+through the official wireless an account of an interview with himself,
+which would, as he (SOLF) fondly hoped, help to bamboozle British public
+opinion. When the article appeared, so well had the author's editor read
+between the lines of the message that the journalist had to run for his
+life. He was particularly fortunate too, or clever, in getting in touch
+with the Kiel sailors who set the revolution going, but in spite of much
+excellent material, mostly of the "scoop" interview variety, nothing much
+ever seems to come of it all, and we are left at the end about as wise as
+we started. All the same, much of the book's detail is interesting, however
+little satisfaction it offers as a whole.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Ann's First Flutter_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) will not arouse any commotion in
+the dovecotes of the intellectually elect, but it provides an amusing
+entertainment for those who can appreciate broad and emphatic humour. Mr.
+R.A. HAMBLIN has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my only quarrel
+with him is that I believe him to have a subtler sense of humour than he
+reveals here. _Ann_ was a grocer's daughter, and after her attempt to
+flutter for herself had failed she married _Tom Bampfield_, a grocer's son.
+_Tom_ had literary ambitions, and was the author of a novel which his
+father thought pernicious enough to destroy his custom. Strange however to
+relate, the novel failed to destroy anything except the author's future as
+a novelist, and when _Tom_ did succeed in making some pen-money it was by
+means of a series of funny articles in _The Dry Goods Gazette_--articles so
+violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated them.
+Mr. HAMBLIN'S fun, let me add, is never ill-natured. Even bilious grocers
+will not resent his jovial invasion of their kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRUDENT LOVER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "City gunsmiths have been busy these days furbishing up sportsmen's
+    rifles for the '12th.'"--_Scotch Paper._
+
+Personally we use a machine-gun.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 18th, 1920, by Various
+
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