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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:49:30 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:49:30 -0700 |
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diff --git a/16707-h/16707-h.htm b/16707-h/16707-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eca3070 --- /dev/null +++ b/16707-h/16707-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2696 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, August 18th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +August 18th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 17, 2005 [EBook #16707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 18th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2> + + <p>The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the + newly-rich has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A few hours in Cork," says a <i>Daily Mail</i> correspondent, "will + convince anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be + explained, is one in which the civilians are at war but the military are + not.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day + nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to + goad the military forces in Ireland to reprisals.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know + somebody who butted in later.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It + will be noticed that they are very still.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that + it would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and + ten seconds to count one day's circulation of <i>The Daily Mail</i>." + Holiday-makers waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try + it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Coloured grocery sugars, the <font class="sc">Food Controller</font> + announces, are to be freed from control on September 6th. A coloured + grocery is one in which the grocer is not as black as he is painted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the + question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable + sign is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world + residence."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an + unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence + of any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will + probably be granted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the + Willesden Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The + man may be a model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted + we should want to know what he does with that fourpence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans + for eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than + three families will be allowed to live in one van.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Three times in four days," says a <i>Daily Express</i> report, "a + Parisian has thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports + point out that all is now quiet, as the fellow has found his + collar-stud.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a + better plan would be to get Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> to + give it to you.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to + wage war without the enemy complaining of headache.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so + that they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice + to know that should an article not come back again you will be able to + assure yourself that it was yours.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large + numbers. It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still + sold in lengths.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car + to-day. It is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the + rising cost of pedestrian.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway + buffet, discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves + tried to break into a railway sandwich.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It + is feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of + running out.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six," + says a news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her + parents' consent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even + threepence it contains three times the number of currants," announces an + evening paper. This should mean three currants in each bun.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire + last week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all + children under fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept + indoors, whilst local golfers have been sent out to act as decoys.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be + christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet + been broken to the unfortunate infant.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/117.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Exasperated Partner.</i> "<font class="sc">Look here—don't + you ever get your service into the right court?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Partner.</i> "<font class="sc">No, as a matter of fact I don't. + But it would be absolutely unplayable if I did.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>The Result of a Leap-Year.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Bishop —— says he will not be able to consider any more + proposals for engagements till after the summer of 1921."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">An Echo from Bisley.</font>—A musical + correspondent writes to point out that sol-faists have an unfair + advantage in the running-deer competition, because they are always + practising with a "movable Doh."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + +<h2>FROM SPA AND SHORE.</h2> + + <p><font class="sc">Grogtown</font>.—All available accommodation + has been monopolised by Glasborough visitors, among whom this resort is + becoming more alarmingly popular every year. Sixty charabancs arrived on + Monday and the Riot Act was read several times before the passengers + could be induced to desist from their badinage of the residents, most of + whom have since retired behind the wire-entanglements at Kelrose. The + municipal orchestra was subjected to a brisk fusillade of rock-cakes on + Saturday night; the conductor and several of the instrumentalists + suffered contusions, and their performances have since been discontinued. + This has not unnaturally given rise to a certain amount of + dissatisfaction amongst the visitors, but otherwise there has been no + recrudescence of rioting. A company of the Caithness Highlanders, with + machine-guns, are now encamped on the links, and sunshine is all that is + needed to complete the success of the season.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Kegness</font>.—On Tuesday the Mayor presented + a jar of whisky, fifty years old, to the winning charabanc team in the + bottle-throwing competition, and the subsequent scenes afforded much + diversion. A notable feature at present is a large whale, which was + washed ashore in a gale about six months ago. The oldest inhabitants + declare that they have never known anything like it, and it is certainly + an unforgettable experience to be anywhere within a mile of this + apparently immovable derelict. Excursions to all surrounding places out + of nose-shot are extremely popular, and the beach is practically deserted + save by a few juvenile natives engaged in the blubber industry.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Mudhall Spa</font>.—Without the least + reflection on chalybeates and the rest, it must be allowed that the most + popular beverage in Mudhall at present is that which draws its virtue + from a cereal and not a mineral source. Hilarity is rife at all hours, + and the effort to enlist a body of local volunteers to control the + exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian "charabankers" is meeting with unexpected + support. The casualties in the daily collisions between the Hydropathic + League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot-Guards are steadily increasing and now + compare favourably with those of any other Midland health-resort.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Boylston (Massachusetts) farm labourer is said to havt bees + identified as one of the heirs to a £400,000 estate at Dundte, for whom + starches have betn made for years, but nothing is known at Dundee of such + an estate."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But this lucid paragraph should help to clear up the mystery.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AMONG THE PEDESTALS.</h2> + + <p>The rumour that a number of London's statues are to be moved to make + room for new has caused many a marble heart to beat faster; and on making + a round of calls I gathered that Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> + has few friends in stone or bronze circles. Not the least uneasy is + George IV. in Trafalgar Square. Uneasiness of body he has always known, + riding there for ever without any stirrups; but now his mind is uneasy + too. "If they take Father from Cockspur Street," he argued very + naturally, "why not me?"</p> + + <p>A few of the figures feel secure, of course, but very few. Nelson on + his column has no fears; Nurse Cavell is too recent to tremble; so is + Abraham Lincoln. But the others? They are in a state of nervous suspense, + wondering if the sentence of banishment is to fall and resenting any + disturbance of their lives. "<i>J'y suis, j'y reste</i>" is their + motto.</p> + + <p>Abraham Lincoln gave me a hearty welcome and extended an invitation + that is not within the power of any other graven image in the city. "Take + a chair," he said.</p> + + <p>I did so and am thus, I suppose, the first Londoner to put that + comfortable piece of furniture to its proper use.</p> + + <p>"How do you like being here?" I asked.</p> + + <p>He said that he enjoyed it. The only blot on his pleasure was the fear + that the Abbey might fall on him, and he therefore hoped that <i>The + Times'</i> fund was progressing by leaps and bounds.</p> + + <p>His immediate neighbours, on the contrary, exhibited no serenity + whatever, and I found Canning and Palmerston shivering with apprehension + in their frockcoats. The worst of it was that I could say nothing to + reassure them.</p> + + <p>Here and there, however, a desire for locomotion was expressed. Dr. + Johnson, in the enclosure behind St. Clement Danes, is very restive. I + asked him if he would object to removal. "Sir," said the Little + Lexicographer (as his sculptor has made him), "I should derive + satisfaction from it. A man cannot be considered as enviable who spends + all his time in the contemplation, from an unvacatable position, of a + street to the perambulation of which he devoted many of his happiest + hours."</p> + + <p>I ventured to agree.</p> + + <p>"Nor," continued the sage, "is it a source of contentment to a man of + integrity to observe an unceasing procession of Americans on their way to + partake of pudding in a hostelry that has made its name and prosperity + out of a mythical association with himself and be unable to correct the + error."</p> + + <p>"Are you in general in favour of statuary?" I made bold to ask.</p> + + <p>"Painting," said he, "consumes labour not disproportionate to its + effect; but a fellow will hack half a year at a block of marble to make + something in stone that hardly resembles a man. Look around you; look at + me. The value of statuary is owing to its difficulty. You would not value + the finest head cut upon a carrot."</p> + + <p>But one effect of this General Post among the statues is good, and it + should delight Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>. Cromwell, now outside + Westminster Hall, is to be moved into the House.</p> + +<p class="author">E.V.L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">FLOWERS' NAMES.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Marigolds</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As <font class="sc">Mary</font> was a-walking</p> + <p class="i2">All on a summer day,</p> + <p>The flowers all stood curtseying</p> + <p class="i2">And bowing in her way;</p> + <p>The blushing poppies hung their heads</p> + <p class="i2">And whispered <font class="sc">Mary's</font> name,</p> + <p>And all the wood anemones</p> + <p class="i2">Hung down their heads in shame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The violet hid behind her leaves</p> + <p class="i2">And veiled her timid face,</p> + <p>And all the flowers bowed a-down,</p> + <p class="i2">For holy was the place.</p> + <p>Only a little common flower</p> + <p class="i2">Looked boldly up and smiled</p> + <p>To see the happy mother come</p> + <p class="i2">A-carrying her Child.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The little Child He laughed aloud</p> + <p class="i2">To see the smiling flower,</p> + <p>And as He laughed the Marigold</p> + <p class="i2">Turned gold in that same hour.</p> + <p>For she was gay and innocent—</p> + <p class="i2">He loved to see her so—</p> + <p>And from the splendour of His face</p> + <p class="i2">She caught a golden glow.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>An Optimist.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I have just completed a fortnight's tour on a tandem, and can + recommend this form of a holiday as the best I know of.... One Sunday in + June, without exaggeration, I was nearly killed twice, and my wife was + overcome with fright."—<i>C.T.C. Gazette.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, three children caught 182 green + wasps."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is believed that they would not have been caught if they had not + been green.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>From a recent Admiralty Order:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C. Officers and + men (Royal Marines) during the current year, for walking out purposes + only."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is believed that His Majesty's Jollies have received the order + without enthusiasm, on the ground that no mention is made of anything + being inside the frocks.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE ICONOCLAST.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir Alfred Mond.</font> "I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO + DISTURB YOUR MAJESTY, BUT, OWING TO THE SHORTAGE OF SITES—"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">George III.</font> "SHORTAGE OF SIGHTS, + INDEED!"</p> + + <p>[It is understood that a number of London statues, including that of + George III. in Cockspur Street, are to be removed by the Office of + Works to make room for new ones.]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/120.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center"><i>Heavy Father.</i> "<font class="sc">Put your 'at + on this minute, Sir. Do you want to catch your deathercold?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE VISIONARY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas last week at Pebble Bay</p> + <p class="i2">That I saw the little goat,</p> + <p>Harnessed to a little shay.</p> + <p class="i2">Old was he and poor in coat,</p> + <p>And he lugged his load along</p> + <p>Where the barefoot children throng</p> + <p>Round the nigger minstrels' song.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But his eye, aloof and chill,</p> + <p class="i2">Said to me as plain as plain,</p> + <p>"I am waiting, waiting still,</p> + <p class="i2">Till the gods come back again;</p> + <p>Starved and ugly, mean, unkempt,</p> + <p>I have dreams by you undreamt,</p> + <p>And—I hold you in contempt!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Dreams of forest routs that trooped,</p> + <p class="i2">Shadowy maidens crowned with vines,</p> + <p>Dreams where Dian's self has stooped</p> + <p class="i2">Darkling 'neath the scented pines;</p> + <p>Or where he, old father Pan,</p> + <p>Took the hooves of me and ran</p> + <p>Fluting through the heart of man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Surely he must come again,</p> + <p class="i2">He the great, the hornéd one?</p> + <p>Shan't I caper in his train</p> + <p class="i2">Through the hours of feast and fun!"</p> + <p>And he looked with eyes of jade</p> + <p>Through the sunshine, through the shade,</p> + <p>Far beyond Marine Parade.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">* * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Should you go to Pebble Bay,</p> + <p class="i2">Golfing or to bathe and boat—</p> + <p>Should you see a loaded shay,</p> + <p class="i2">In the shafts a scarecrow goat,</p> + <p>Tell him that you hope (with me)</p> + <p>Pan will shortly set him free,</p> + <p>Pipe him home to Arcady.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>CRICKET NOTES.</h3> + + <p>Mr. P.F. <font class="sc">Warner</font> has received countless + expressions of regret on his retirement from first-class cricket. Among + these he values not least a "round robin" from the sparrows at Lord's, + all of whom he knows by name. In the score-book of Fate is this entry in + letters of gold:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Plum" <i>c</i> Anno <i>b</i> Domini 47.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Long may he live to enjoy the cricket of others!</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The test team of Australia being now complete, all correspondence on + the subject of its exclusions must cease. We therefore do not print a + number of letters asking why there is no one named Geddes on the + side.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Fender</font> and <font class="sc">Hobbs</font> + are said to be actuated by the same motto, "For Hearth and Home." Both + are pledged to return covered with "the ashes."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the recent Surrey and Middlesex match Mr. <font + class="sc">Skeet</font> bewildered the crowd by fielding as if he liked + it. Hitherto this vulgar manifestation has been confined to <font + class="sc">Hitch</font> and <font class="sc">Hendren</font>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Although so late in the season Yorkshire has great hopes of a colt + named <font class="sc">Hirst</font>, who has just joined the side. He was + seen bowling at Eton and was secured at once.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a strong feeling in Worcestershire that a single-wicket match + between <font class="sc">Lee</font> of Middlesex and Mr. <font + class="sc">Perrin</font> of Essex would be a very saucy affair.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">The Unknown.</font>"</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Somerset Maugham</font>, who recently intrigued + and perhaps just a little scandalised the town with a most engagingly + flippant and piquant farce all about an accidentally bigamous beauty, + certainly shows courage in launching so serious a discussion as <i>The + Unknown</i>. And in the silly season too. I see that in a quite unlikely + interview (but then all modern interviews are unlikely) he defends his + right to discuss religion quite openly on the stage. Of course. Why + should anybody deny that religion is to the normally constituted mind, + whatever its doxy, an absorbingly interesting subject; or that the War + hasn't made a breach in the barriers of British reticence? Whether to the + point of making a perfectly good married Vicar (anxious to convict a + doubting D.S.O. of sin) ask in a full drawing-room containing the + Vicaress, the Doctor and the D.S.O.'s fiancée, mother and father, "For + instance, have you always been perfectly chaste?"—I am not so sure. + Nor whether the War has really added to bereaved <i>Mrs. Littlewood's</i> + bitter "And who is going to forgive God?" any added force. If that kind + of question is to be asked at all it might have been asked, and with + perhaps more justice, at any time within the historical period. For the + War might reasonably be attributed by the Unknown Defendant thus starkly + put upon trial to man's deliberate folly, whereas....</p> + + <p>No doubt, however, Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham</font> would say the + shock of war has (like any other great catastrophe) tested the faith of + many who are personally deeply stricken and found it wanting, while the + whisper of doubt has swelled the more readily as there are many to echo + it. So <i>Major John Wharton, D.S.O., M.C.</i>, having found war, + contrary to his expectation of it as the most glorious manly sport in the + world, a "muddy, mad, stinking, bloody business," loses the faith of his + youth and says so, not with bravado but with regret. The Vicar, with + dignity and restraint, but without much understanding and not without + some hoary <i>clichés</i>; his wife, with venom (suggesting also + incidentally sound argument for the celibacy of the clergy); the old + <i>Colonel</i> and his sweet unselfish wife, with affection; and + <i>Sylvia</i>, <i>John's</i> betrothed, with a strange passion, defend + the old faith, <i>Sylvia</i> to the point of breaking with her lover and + getting her to a nunnery—a business which will in the end, I should + guess, lay a heavier burden upon the nuns than upon <i>John</i>. The + indecisive battle sways hither and thither. It is the <i>Doctor</i> who + sums up in a compromise which would shock the metaphysical theologian, + but may suffice for the plain man, "God is merciful but not omnipotent. + In His age-long fight against evil we can help—or hinder; why not + help?"</p> + + <p>The most signal thing was Miss <font class="sc">Haidée Wright's</font> + personal triumph as <i>Mrs. Littlewood</i>—a very fine + interpretation of an interesting character. Mr. <font class="sc">Charles + V. France</font> adds another decent Colonel to his military repertory. + This actor always plays with distinction and with an ease of which the + art is so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of his due meed of + applause from the unperceptive. Lady <font class="sc">Tree</font> made a + beautiful thing of the character of <i>Mrs. Wharton</i>, whose simple + unselfishness was the best of all Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham's</font> + arguments for the defence. Mr. R.H. <font class="sc">Hignett</font> nobly + restrained himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept enough of + the distinctive flavour to excite a passionate anti-clerical behind me + into clamorously derisive laughter; a very good piece of work. Miss <font + class="sc">O'Malley</font> acted a difficult, almost an impossibly + difficult, part with a fine distinction. Mr. <font class="sc">Basil + Rathbone's</font> <i>Major</i> and Mr. <font + class="sc">Blakiston's</font> <i>Doctor</i> were excellent. I am sorry to + be so monotonously approving....</p> + + <p>I am not convinced that Mr. <font class="sc">Maugham's</font> + experiment has succeeded.</p> + +<p class="author">T.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. —— maintained that it was extraordinuary that if he + was only slightly dead deceased did not hear the lorry."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Most extraordinuary.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%" src="images/121.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Generous Stranger.</i> "<font class="sc">Will you have another + pint?</font> (<i>No answer.</i>) <font class="sc">I say—will you + have another pint?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Hodge.</i> "<font class="sc">Don't 'ee ask zilly questions. Order + it.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + +<h2>THE MYSTERY.</h2> + + <p>George and I are two ordinary people. He studies the Weather Reports + every day; I do occasionally. He thinks he understands meteorology; I + don't. But lately I felt that I <i>must</i> have some explanation of the + weather, so I asked George to explain it.</p> + + <p>He said, "Certainly; it's quite simple. Take wind. Wind is caused by + differences of <i>pressure</i>."</p> + + <p>"What <i>is</i> pressure? Who is pressing what?"</p> + + <p>"Pressure is what the barometer tells you—not the thermometer; + you must keep the thermometer out of this. Suppose it is very hot in + London—"</p> + + <p>"Don't be ridiculous."</p> + + <p>"Well, suppose it is very hot at a place A—"</p> + + <p>"I thought we were keeping the thermometer out of this."</p> + + <p>"It comes in indirectly. But don't keep interrupting. If it is very + hot at the place A, the air at A rises. You see?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Obviously it does. If you light a candle—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes, I do see that. Don't begin about candles."</p> + + <p>"Well, the result of that is that there is less <i>pressure</i> at A. + In other words, there is more room for the air to move about. When that + happens the air at the place B—"</p> + + <p>"Where is that?"</p> + + <p>"Oh anywhere. I told you to think of two places, A and B."</p> + + <p>"No, you told me to think of a place A, and I am still thinking of it, + because it is very hot there."</p> + + <p>"Well, this is another place, where the pressure is simply frightful. + When the air rises at A the air from B rushes over to A to fill up the + gap, and that is what we call wind."</p> + + <p>"I see."</p> + + <p>"No, you don't. It isn't quite so simple as that. Now, the atoms of + air rushing from B to A don't go <i>straight</i> there, but they travel + in—in sort of <i>circles</i>."</p> + + <p>"Why do they do that?"</p> + + <p>"Well, the fact is that these atoms are so keen to get over to A, + where there is plenty of room, that they jostle each other, and that + makes them go round and round. If they go round and round <i>against</i> + the clock, like that, they are called cyclones, or depressions, or + low-pressure systems. If they go with the clock, like that, it is an + anti-cyclone."</p> + + <p>"Oh!"</p> + + <p>"What do you mean—'Oh'?"</p> + + <p>"What I said; but go on."</p> + + <p>"Now suppose this air—"</p> + + <p>"Which air?"</p> + + <p>"The air from B. Suppose it is travelling in a cyclone—"</p> + + <p>"But isn't a cyclone a low-pressure thingummy?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"And didn't you say that B was a high-pressure place?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Then how does the air coming from B manage to be low-pressure + stuff?"</p> + + <p>"I see what you mean. There <i>is</i> an explanation, but it would + take too long to hazard it now. Suppose the air is coming from B in an + anti-cyclone, then ..."</p> + + <p>"All right. I'll suppose that."</p> + + <p>"... it rushes over to A and fills up the gap. There is more pressure + at A and the barometer goes up—"</p> + + <p>"Is it fine then?"</p> + + <p>"No, it rains. You see, the air from B is colder than the air at A was + before the air came from B."</p> + + <p>"I <i>don't</i> see."</p> + + <p>"Well, obviously it <i>must</i> be."</p> + + <p>"How 'obviously'?"</p> + + <p>"Well, the whole thing started with it being very hot at A, you + remember, so that the air rose. If it had been hotter still at B just + then the air would have risen at B instead, and it couldn't have rushed + over to A. There'd have been a frightful muddle."</p> + + <p>"There is."</p> + + <p>"Well, it's your own fault for interrupting. This air, + then—"</p> + + <p>"Which air is this?"</p> + + <p>"The air from B. The air from B cools the air at A—"</p> + + <p>"But I thought the air at A had risen."</p> + + <p>"Not all of it. And that makes it rain."</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, well, I can't go into that. It's something to do with + condensation. Air absorbs more moisture when it is hot than when it is + cold—"</p> + + <p>"So do I. I understand that."</p> + + <p>"When the air cools the water condenses."</p> + + <p>"Is it fine then?"</p> + + <p>"No, it rains, you fool."</p> + + <p>"When is it fine?"</p> + + <p>"Wait a bit. The falling of the rain of course generates + heat—"</p> + + <p>"Why 'of course'?"</p> + + <p>"I can't explain <i>exactly</i>, but you know perfectly well that it's + always warmer on a cold day after the rain."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but not on a hot day."</p> + + <p>"Yes, it is."</p> + + <p>"No, it isn't."</p> + + <p>"It is, really. Anyhow, this is a cold day."</p> + + <p>"No, it isn't. You said it was very hot at A."</p> + + <p>"I'm not going to argue. You must take it from me that rain generates + heat."</p> + + <p>"All right. Is it fine then?"</p> + + <p>"No. Heat being generated the air rises. The result of that is that + there is less <i>pressure</i> at A—"</p> + + <p>"Is it fine then?"</p> + + <p>"I've explained already what happens then. The air from B—"</p> + + <p>"Do we begin all over again now?"</p> + + <p>"More or less, yes."</p> + + <p>"So that at this place, A, it's always raining or just going to + rain?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, if it starts by being hot there, as it did just now, I suppose + it is."</p> + + <p>"What happens if it starts by being cold?"</p> + + <p>"It rains. I've explained that. The cold air can't contain so much + moisture—"</p> + + <p>"Don't begin that again. What about B? Is it any good going there? We + had frightfully high pressure there at one time."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but it rains so much at A that more and more air rushes from B + to A to fill up the gap caused by the air rising on account of the heat + generated by the rain falling, and very soon you get frightfully low + pressure at B—"</p> + + <p>"Is it fine then?"</p> + + <p>"No, it rains."</p> + + <p>"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at + B?"</p> + + <p>"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at + B."</p> + + <p>"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?"</p> + + <p>"From the place C."</p> + + <p>"Is it fine there?"</p> + + <p>"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A."</p> + + <p>"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it <i>must</i> + rain."</p> + + <p>"More or less, yes. More really."</p> + + <p>"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to + go?"</p> + + <p>"There is a place, D—"</p> + + <p>"What happens there?"</p> + + <p>"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary + depressions."</p> + + <p>"Then where do you advise me to go?"</p> + + <p>"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I + have."</p> + + <p>"I think you have. I understand it now."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I hope you all do.</p> + +<p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir,—I can recall no better description of a gentleman than + this—</p> + + <p>'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.'</p> + + <p>Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this + very neat and apt definition."—<i>Letter in Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We rather think the printer had a hand in it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE + AT COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE, + HAS LED MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF + THE FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF + PICTURESQUE SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION</font>.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" src="images/124.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Guide</i> (<i>after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps</i>). + "<font class="sc">These, Sir, are the famous gargoyles I + mentioned.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Perspiring American.</i> "<font class="sc">Gee! I thought you + said 'gargles.'</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES.</h2> + + <p>Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second + mechanic at the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, + Puddlesby. It was when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical + Society that his troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and + hard-working a little man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and + weighed in at seven stone four. But above all he was an expert in rubber + tyres; he knew them, I had almost said, by instinct.</p> + + <p>The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of + Souls. As I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell + you about it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see + the connection between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will + have patience I think I can promise to show you <i>that</i> at least.</p> + + <p>One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S., + fell asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory + experience in a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he + knew. He perceived that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that + he was no longer plain Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of + the Artful Arm, and known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he + had just been challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh + fight, and (for the seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had + accepted. He soon added to the stock of his information the fact that, as + the challenged party, he had the choice of time, place and weapons.</p> + + <p>He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable + warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose + hair he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had + ever killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle + Road. He felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to + propose as the time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as + the weapon, motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as + far as mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, + however, did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a + counter-proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three + days' time.</p> + + <p>Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He + got through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but + had fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the + esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the + details of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir + Hugh, merely adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was + customary in the better-class combats of that day.</p> + + <p>He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably + depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity + compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned + ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands, + coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and + did not fail to be ready in time.</p> + + <p>When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion + reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his + faithful esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide, + which covered the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly + in folds all round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached + to the front of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in + the vernacular of those stout times—</p> + + <p>"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy + vile bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye + blowinge."</p> + + <p>Whereupon the trusty varlet blew.</p> + + <p>Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of + Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-à-pie + in a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather + over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an + object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive + observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir + Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire, + had inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and + laced up like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists + with a feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several + days.</p> + + <p>They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero + wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right + arm, and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold + also upon his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that + no one in the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together + beneath the horse's belly.</p> + + <p>If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding + straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the + left side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string + which attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost + his balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily + from the Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the + moment when he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough + way on to bring him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained + a vertical position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and + with the same result.</p> + + <p>Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles + might have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the + distinguished audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth + revolution.</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> + + <p>Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every + turn, and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was + going very fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found + touch, first bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons + rolled him back again into the field of play.</p> + + <p>It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during + these proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to + catch a glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first + onslaught, and he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered + that the haughty Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was + slogging him round the lists; in short, was playing polo with him.</p> + + <p>But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he + was not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The + Baron, worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking.</p> + + <p>So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought + of choosing <i>smooth</i> maces. A spike would have punctured the cover + in no time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end.</p> + + <p>His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic!</p> + + <p>Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost + swooned away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube. + There was a perplexed pause....</p> + + <p>And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles + woke with a shriek.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium + on transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring + to a previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of + the game required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more + bloodthirsty and pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to + prove that little Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not + quite the man for this sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of + dreams. Anyway, shortly after his painful experience he withdrew his + subscription from the Puddlesby Psychical Society and ceased for ever to + assist at their séances.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center"><i>Wicket-keeper</i> (<i>by way of shewing sympathy + to victim of demon bowler</i>). "<font class="sc">Rum game, + cricket.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> +<h4>The Overland Route.</h4> + + <p>"MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS.</p> + + <p>Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."—<i>Scottish + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"James ——, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V + and Czecho-Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt + he must have some amusement."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The little Bolshevist!</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a + contemporary:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway + communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and + other northern and western centres."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a feuilleton:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right + round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the + receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she + panted."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And then, we suppose, she wrote to the <font + class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> to complain of the inefficiency of + the service.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Junior Partner of Firm</i> (<i>exempted on business grounds + during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised + officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three + times</i>). "<font class="sc">You say you were three-and-a-half years + in France and yet don't speak the language? It seems to me you wasted + your time abroad, Sir.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Student of Manners.</i>)</p> + + <p>The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of + August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the + renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions; + they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not + renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be + pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered + by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard + of efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one + Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members + of another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, + August and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to + remain in London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are + glad to be able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts + available will be greatly enhanced.</p> + + <p>For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the + decorators, is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent + experiments have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and + tranquillising influence on persons of an irritable disposition. A + sumptuous dormitory is being erected on the top floor, where slow music + will be discoursed every afternoon, from three to seven, by a + Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid out for the + recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts has been + keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the basement + to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with a + vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American + bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete + books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of + <font class="sc">Dell, Barclay, Wells, Zane Grey</font> and <font + class="sc">Bennett</font>. Three interesting rumours about the future of + the Club may be given with due reserve—the first, that in the near + future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord + Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third, + that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of + "Arthur's."</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>From Smith Minor's French Paper:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui était très + méchante.'—'The farmer was having a chat with thirteen + merchants.'"</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to + Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."—<i>Daily + Mirror.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Another injustice to Scotland.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage + bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable + sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of + divorce."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" src="images/127.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE PROBLEM.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Poland</font> (<i>to Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd + George</font>, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament</i>). "HOW ARE + YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A QUEEN, + BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/128.png"><img width="100%" src="images/128.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">GOING TO THE COUNTRY?</p> + + <p>"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the + economic use of charabancs."—<i>Sir <font class="sc">Eric + Geddes</font>.</i></p> + + <p><i>First "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>, Mr. + <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font>, + Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font>, Mr. <font + class="sc">Churchill</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Second "Banc."</i> Sir <font class="sc">E. Geddes</font>, Mr. + <font class="sc">Shortt</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Long</font>, Sir + <font class="sc">Robert Horne</font>, Col. <font + class="sc">Amery</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Third "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Illingworth</font>, Lord + E. <font class="sc">Talbot</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Fisher</font>, + Dr. <font class="sc">Addison</font>, Sir <font class="sc">Gordon + Hewart</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Kellaway</font>, Sir M. + <font class="sc">Barlow</font>, Sir L. <font class="sc">Worthington + Evans</font>, Sir A.G. <font class="sc">Boscawen</font>, Mr. <font + class="sc">Towyn Jones</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Fifth "Banc."</i> Sir <font class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</font>, + Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin</font>, Sir <font class="sc">James + Craig</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Denis Henry</font>, Mr. <font + class="sc">Neal</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Sixth "Banc."</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Montagu</font>, Dr. <font + class="sc">Macnamara</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">McCurdy</font>, Mr. + <font class="sc">Ian Macpherson</font>, Sir A. <font + class="sc">Mond</font>.</p> + </div> + <p><i>Monday, August, 9th.</i>—In an atmosphere of appropriate + gloom the House of Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. + Even the <font class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> could say little more + for the measure than that it might possibly enable some of the persons + now in custody to be tried; and most of the other Peers who spoke seemed + to think that it would be either mischievous or useless. The only + confident opinion expressed was that of the elderly Privy Councillor, who + from the steps of the Throne ejaculated, "If you pass this Bill you may + kill England, not Ireland." But despite this unconventional warning the + Peers took the risk.</p> + + <p>The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel <font + class="sc">Wedgwood's</font> tie. Of ample dimensions and of an + ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and South-Western Railway porter + might envy, it dominated the proceedings throughout Question-time. Beside + it Mr. <font class="sc">Claude Lowther's</font> pink shirt paled its + ineffectual fires.</p> + + <p>When Viscount <font class="sc">Curzon</font> renewed his + anti-charabancs campaign and Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> was + doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory + suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red + gleam from Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood's</font> shirt-front. At + once, the old railway instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the + danger-signal and hastily cramming on his brakes, Sir <font + class="sc">Eric</font> observed that it would be "a great calamity" to + prevent the economic use of the charabancs.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, August 10th.</i>—As Lord Great Chamberlain, and + therefore official custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord <font + class="sc">Lincolnshire</font> mentioned with due solemnity the + regrettable incident of the day before. Lord <font + class="sc">Curzon</font> thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. <font + class="sc">Carlisle</font>) should be allowed to explain his behaviour, + and suggested that he should himself address to him a suitable letter. + Several noble lords—anticipating, no doubt, that, whatever else + came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively reading—said + "Hear, hear."</p> + + <p>A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority—28 to + 23—that there should be no Minister of Mines, but only an + Under-Secretary. Lord <font class="sc">Peel</font> now sought to induce + them to change their minds. His principal argument was that a Minister + would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a Secretary and + would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so conspicuously + lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be true, for they + proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" src="images/129.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">M. Krassin contemplates the Commons</font>.</p> + </div> + <p>There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> statement on Poland. The Duke of <font + class="sc">York</font> was over the Clock, flanked by the Archbishop of + <font class="sc">Canterbury</font> on one side and Messrs. <font + class="sc">Kameneff</font> and <font class="sc">Krassin</font> (who + sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other.</p> + + <p>Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at + Question-time. Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font> denied that he had + ever suggested an alliance with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as + we are keeping the Watch on the Rhine <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> with only thirteen + thousand men—just three thousand more than it takes to garrison + London—perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered, no great + opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to describe the + disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to retire before + "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his upper + lip.</p> + + <p>For two-thirds of his speech the <font class="sc">Prime + Minister</font> was the sober statesman, discussing with due solemnity + the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish crisis. The Poles had been + rash and must take the consequences. We should not help them unless the + Bolshevists, not content with punishment, threatened the extinction of + Poland's independence.</p> + + <p>Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he + chaffed the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an + unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even + sacrificed a colleague. <font class="sc">Lenin</font> was an aristocrat, + <font class="sc">Trotsky</font> a journalist. "In fact"—turning to + Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font>—"my right honourable friend + is an embodiment of both."</p> + + <p>A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. <font + class="sc">Asquith</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Adamson</font> ended + in favour of the <font class="sc">ex-Premier</font>, who doubted whether + the best way to ensure peace was to attack one of the parties to the + dispute, and proceeded to make things more or less even by vigorously + chiding Poland for her aggression. Mr. <font class="sc">Clynes</font>, + while admitting that the Labour Party would have to reconsider its + position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still maintained + that we had not played a straight game from Russia.</p> + + <p>Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander <font + class="sc">Kenworthy</font>, communication was established between the + Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery. Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font> read the terms offered by the Soviet to + the Poles, and gave them a guarded approval.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, August 11th.</i>—A Bill to prohibit ready-money + betting on football matches was introduced by Lord <font + class="sc">Gainford</font> (who played for Cambridge forty years ago) and + supported by Lord <font class="sc">Meath</font>, "a most enthusiastic + player" of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading + of these experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord <font + class="sc">Gainford</font> proposed to rush it through goal straightaway + his course was barred by Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font>, an + efficient Lord "Keeper."</p> + + <p>A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the + late Mr. <font class="sc">Joseph Chamberlain</font> furnished occasion + for the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> and Mr. <font + class="sc">Asquith</font> to indulge in generous praise of a political + opponent. Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> (with his eye on the + Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was "essentially a Parliamentary + country," we did well to honour "a great Parliamentarian"; and the <font + class="sc">ex-Premier</font> (with his eye on Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd + George</font>) selected for special note among Mr. <font + class="sc">Chamberlain's</font> characteristics that he had "no blurred + edges."</p> + + <p>A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the + startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the + policy announced yesterday by the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>, + to give immediate recognition to General <font class="sc">Wrangel</font>. + Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> expressed his "surprise and + anxiety" and could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate + misunderstanding. To give time for its removal the House decided to + postpone its holiday and adjourned till Monday.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>More Headaches for the Historian.</h4> + + <p>Messrs. <font class="sc">Kameneff</font> and <font + class="sc">Krassin</font>, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished + Strangers' Gallery during the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> + speech on Poland last week. Hence these tears:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with + English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed + intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest, + but often with animated comment."—<i>Evening Standard</i>.</p> + + <p>"The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the + Premier's speech." <i>Evening News</i>.</p> + + <p>"Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague + doesn't speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned + over and whispered a translation into the other's + ear."—<i>Star</i>.</p> + + <p>"The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless, + and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but + this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of the + Prime Minister."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<h3>BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>229th ed., folio, 2 vols.</i> (<i>Sour and Taxwell, 85s.</i>).</p> + + <p>All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new + edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be + found on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its + combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of + English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic + as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down," + and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur.</p> + + <p>It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work, + and to say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is + invariably happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on + <i>Real Property</i> his sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of + expression do ample justice to the perennial freshness of his subject. + The reader is swiftly carried from situation to situation and thrill + follows thrill with daring rapidity. The plot is of the simplest, but + worked out with surprising skill, while the events are related with that + vivid imagination which the subject demands. Who is there that does not + feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice with the heir when he comes, upon + reversion, into the property from which he has been so long excluded? Mr. + Blewitt treats this incident with a sense of romance and picturesqueness + of language reminiscent of the ballad of "The Lord of Lynn." In its facts + the ballad bears a striking resemblance to those so graphically described + by our author, but in point of execution lacks the true breath of poetic + inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's book.</p> + + <p>Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not + sympathise with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the + fair widow whom he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate + soul is subject to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's + silence on the disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts + which tormented his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of + <i>Hamlet</i>.</p> + + <p>It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr. + Blewitt is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in works of this nature to + equal the skilful psychological analysis, the sympathy of treatment and + the fidelity to nature with which the author draws line by line the + character of Q. The description of him as seised in fee simple is a touch + of genius. We can remember nothing <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> in the English language + to compare with this unless it be that brilliant passage in which Mr. + Blewitt sketches in a few lightning strokes the character of Richard Roe, + a man at once pugnacious, overbearing, litigious and utterly regardless + of truth and honesty.</p> + + <p>The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of + learning in publishing this new edition. The editing is very creditable + to English scholarship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069, + in which the reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the + <i>Timbuctoo Law Review</i>, which, in fairness to the editor (of <i>Real + Property</i>), is not, of course, quoted here. The student will, we have + no doubt, feel himself fully recompensed by this new matter for the price + of the new volumes and the depreciation of the 228th edition.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>NERVES ON THE GREEN.</h3> + + <p><i>Irascible Golfer.</i> "<font class="sc">Confound it! what + <i>is</i> that infernal oil-engine or something that begins thumping + whenever I am putting?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Caddie.</i> "<font class="sc">I think it must be t'other + gentleman's 'eart, Sir.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>"NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>Residents in the area between the county town and —— are + now able to do their shopping at either place with the maximum of + inconvenience so far as travel is concerned."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Just as in London.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>GISH-JINGLE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Times</i> in a recent article on events in the Film world + announces the impending arrival in Europe of Miss <font + class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>, adding, however, that the visit is mainly + undertaken for recreation.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let others discourse and descant</p> + <p class="i2">Upon <font class="sc">Mannix</font> the martyr archbish,</p> + <p>Me rather it pleases to chant</p> + <p class="i2">The arrival of <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Among the <i>élite</i> of the Screen</p> + <p class="i2">She holds an exalted posit.;</p> + <p>But in Europe she never has been</p> + <p class="i2">Hitherto, hasn't <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it's well to consider aright</p> + <p class="i2">That she harbours the laudable wish</p> + <p>For a holiday, not for the light</p> + <p class="i2">Of the lime, does Miss <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>None the less with the wildest surmise</p> + <p class="i2">Do I muse on the bountiful dish</p> + <p>Of sensation purveyed for the wise</p> + <p class="i2">And the foolish by <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"> * * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will you strengthen the hands of <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font></p> + <p class="i2">Or frown on the poor Coalit.?</p> + <p>Will you force profiteers to disgorge,</p> + <p class="i2">Beneficent <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do you hold by self-governing schools?</p> + <p class="i2">Do you think that headmasters should swish</p> + <p>Or adopt Montessorian rules,</p> + <p class="i2">Benevolent <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will they give you an Oxford degree?</p> + <p class="i2">Will you learn to call marmalade "squish"?</p> + <p>Will <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font> ask you to tea</p> + <p class="i2">On the Terrace, great <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do you favour the Russ or the Pole?</p> + <p class="i2">Will you visit the Servians at Nish?</p> + <p>Are you sound on the subject of coal?</p> + <p class="i2">Are you Pussyfoot, <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Are you going to be terribly mobbed</p> + <p class="i2">When attending the concerts of <font class="sc">Krish</font>?</p> + <p>Are your tresses luxuriant or "bobbed"?</p> + <p class="i2">Do tell us, kind <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Meanwhile we are moody and mad,</p> + <p class="i2">Like <font class="sc">Saul</font> the descendant of <font class="sc">Kish</font>,</p> + <p>Oh, arrive and make everyone glad,</p> + <p class="i2">Delectable <font class="sc">Dorothy Gish</font>!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, Lady Clerk; one accustomed to milk ledgers + preferred."—<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But how does one milk a ledger?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + +<h2>THE BLUE MOUNTAINS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">A South Indian Lovesong.</font></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the long trick's wearing over and a spell of leave comes due</p> + <p>The most'll go back to Blighty to see if their dreams are true;</p> + <p>There's some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex downs,</p> + <p>There's some that'll cling to the country and some that'll turn to towns;</p> + <p>But <i>I</i> know what <i>I</i>'ll do, and I'll do it right or wrong,</p> + <p>I'll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Athol's a bonny country and Sussex is good to see,</p> + <p>But it's long since I left Blighty and I'm not what I used to be;</p> + <p>And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel's fine,</p> + <p>And that may be most folk's fancy, but it somehow isn't mine;</p> + <p>For <i>I</i> know what <i>I</i> like, and the Land of Heart's Delight</p> + <p>For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where I feel right.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail</p> + <p>And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale,</p> + <p>And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore</p> + <p>I'll see them hung in the tinted sky and I won't ask for more;</p> + <p>For <i>I</i>'ll know I'm happy and I'll make my morning prayer</p> + <p>Of thanks for the sun on the Blue Mountains and me to be going there.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need,</p> + <p>Crawling its way to Adderly, crawling to Runnymede;</p> + <p>And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey's end,</p> + <p>And the breeze shall say to me "Brother" and the hills shall hail me "Friend,"</p> + <p>While the clear Kateri River sings lovesongs in my ear,</p> + <p>And I'll feel "Now I'm home again! Ah! but I'm welcome here."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahs lie</p> + <p>And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs my eye;</p> + <p>And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood,</p> + <p>And the dear sun shining on Ooty, and oh! but I'll find it good;</p> + <p>For <i>I</i>'ll have what <i>I</i> wanted, and all the worrying done,</p> + <p>Because I'm back to the Blue Mountains and they and I are one.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire</p> + <p>For minds that are over-weary, for bodies that toil and tire,</p> + <p>And over all that a something, a something that says, "You know,</p> + <p>It's the one place of all places where the gods meant <i>you</i> to go."</p> + <p>Well, the gods know what <i>they</i> know, and I wouldn't say them nay,</p> + <p>And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terribly far away,</p> + <p>So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the betting is, I'll stay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">H.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Cricket in Wails—A Howling Success.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"E.H. —— bawled consistently for the visitors, taking + seven wickets of 168."—<i>Welsh Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<h2>WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS.</h2> + + <p>As a sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-famine, I have + started a Correspondence Bureau, ostensibly for advising parents as to + the pursuits their offspring should take up, but really for propaganda + purposes, the object being the assuagement of this terrible evil.</p> + + <p>Consequently my replies to inquiries are all moulded to this end.</p> + + <p>For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton:—</p> + + <p>"My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent. + Do please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one + whose father is a member of the Stock Exchange."</p> + + <p>I replied, "Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few + more lucrative occupations outside Bradford, unless it be that of a + builder, in which the scope is absolutely unlimited. I am enclosing a + copy of last week's <i>Builder and Architect</i>, in which you will find + some great thoughts expressed. Pray let Algernon read it. It may be the + means of inducing him to perform great deeds for England's sake."</p> + + <p>Another fond parent wrote:—</p> + + <p>"Can you advise an anxious mother as to a career for her only son, + John William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes + and fair hair and is a perfect darling, so good and obedient, but he is + firmly resolved to be a lift-man when he grows up."</p> + + <p>I answered her soothingly thus:—</p> + + <p>"John Willie is rather young to have made a final decision, I think. + Let his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, liftman, + engine-driver, bus-conductor, sailor, etc. At fifteen or so he will have + left these behind, and for the next few years will probably settle down + to the idea of being nothing in particular, or else a professional + cricketer. Then he will suddenly, for good or evil, make his choice. + Neither his blue eyes nor his fair hair give any clue as to what that + choice will be, but I should let him keep both, as they may be useful to + him.</p> + + <p>"If he should determine upon a career involving manual work, I should + take steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying. + At the rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight + per week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the time he + arrives at bricklaying maturity.</p> + + <p>"It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to graduate in + Commerce before being eligible, but probably it would be necessary, as + the best bricklayers, I'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is + a sort of caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to + keep outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs + bricklayers, and will go on needing them for years. Let John Willie step + forward when he is old enough."</p> + + <p>To the mother who asked if I considered that her youngest boy would be + well advised to adopt the Housebreaking profession I wrote:—</p> + + <p>"To which part of this profession do you refer? If to the Burgling + branch I would ask, 'Has he the iron nerve, the indomitable will, above + all has he the brain power for this exacting craft? Can he stand the + exposure to the night air, the exposure before an Assize jury, and the + rigours of the Portland stone quarries?' If so, let him take a course of + illustrated lectures at the cinema.</p> + + <p>"If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down of houses, I + say, 'No! A thousand times, no!' He should be taught that there is a + crying need for a constructive, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> not a destructive policy. Let him adopt + one; buy him drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, and teach him that + the noblest work of creation is (unless it be a bricklayer or builder) an + architect. Though the War is over we must still keep the home fires + burning. This implies chimneys, and chimneys imply houses, and few there + be that can plan houses that will both please the eye and pass the local + authorities."</p> + + <p>Lady Jubb wrote from Toffley Hall, Blankshire, to say that her elder + son (seventeen) had no ideas for the future beyond becoming Master of the + Barchester when he grew up, but that she was anxious that he should try + for some more lucrative post, official preferred.</p> + + <p>I replied thus:—</p> + + <p>"So your son looks no higher than a Mastership of Foxhounds. Well, + well, I suppose that so long as there are such things as hounds he, as + well as another, may take on the job of Master.</p> + + <p>"But I thoroughly approve of your desire that he should try for + something higher in life, especially for some official post; and what + official post is or can be superior to that of a Borough Surveyor? Can + you not persuade him that this great office is what one chooses to make + it, and that, as an autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be compared to the + B.S., for, whereas the former can at the most scorch the few people + foolish enough to remain within ear-shot, the latter can with a breath + damn a whole row of houses and blast the careers of an army of builders + with a word."</p> + + <p>And so the propaganda proceeds.</p> + + <p>If my efforts result in even one house being erected I shall, I think, + have earned my O.B.E., though I would rather have the house.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/132.png"><img width="100%" src="images/132.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>My Lady Bountiful.</i> "<font class="sc">So your mother is better + through taking the quinine I gave her?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>doing her best to carry out + instructions</i>). "<font class="sc">Yes'm. But she says she's worse of + the complaint wot you gives 'er port wine for.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE TERRITORIAL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, civil life is fine and free, with no one to obey,</p> + <p>No sergeants shouting, "Show a leg!" or "Double up!" all day;</p> + <p>No buttons to be polished, no army boots to wear,</p> + <p>And nobody to tick you off because you grow your hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's great to sleep beneath a roof that keeps the rain outside,</p> + <p>To eat a daintier kind of grub than quarter-blokes provide,</p> + <p>To rise o' mornings when you wish and when you wish turn in,</p> + <p>To shirk a shave and never hear the truth about your chin;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And not to have to pad the hoof through blazing sun or rain,</p> + <p>Intent on getting nowhere and foot-slogging back again,</p> + <p>To realise no N.C.O. has any more the right</p> + <p>To rob you of your beauty-sleep with "Guard to-morrow night!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All this is great, of course it is, yet here we are once more</p> + <p>Obeying sergeants just for fun and cheerier than before;</p> + <p>We haven't any good excuse, we've got no war to win—</p> + <p>But nothing's touched the kit-bag yet for packing troubles in.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">W.K.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> + +<h3>A TASTE OF AUTHORITY.</h3> + + <p>I have often wished I were an expert at something. How I envy the man + who, before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the + proffered sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells + it at close quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very + brave, pulls out a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the + tailor, abashed and discomfited, produces for the lucky expert from the + interior of his premises that choice bale of pre-war quality which he was + keeping for his own use.</p> + + <p>I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening. + Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help + me.</p> + + <p>"My dear fellow," he said, "in these days of specialisation one has to + be brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth + or canaries or bathroom tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a + moment."</p> + + <p>"Can you help me?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"As regards tea, I can," he replied. "Jorkins over there is in the tea + business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of + tea-tasting."</p> + + <p>"I should be awfully glad if you would," said I. "We never get any + decent tea at home."</p> + + <p>Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and efficient character. I saw + Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow.</p> + + <p>"Watch me carefully," said Jorkins, "and listen to what I say. Take a + little leaf into the palm of your left hand. Rub it lightly with the + fingers and gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose and snuff up strongly. + Pick out a strand and bite through the leaf slowly with the front teeth, + thus. Just after biting pass the tip of the tongue behind the front teeth + and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. Sorry I must go + now. Good day."</p> + + <p>Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times + before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look + which Jorkins wore during the operation.</p> + + <p>At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers + of teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and + began the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and + gazed at it earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a + strand and bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after + biting I passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate, + completing the act of deglutition.</p> + + <p>So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to + accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was + up against one of the mandarins of the trade. So I said with severity, + "Please don't show me any more common stuff; I want the best you + have."</p> + + <p>The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was + evidently about to speak.</p> + + <p>"Kindly refrain from expostulating," I went on; "content yourself with + showing me your finest blend."</p> + + <p>He went away to the back of the shop, muttering; clearly he recognised + defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest.</p> + + <p>"Try this," said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled + rage.</p> + + <p>I took a handful and once more went through the whole ceremony. It was + nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of my + performance I assumed a look of satisfaction. "Give me five pounds of + that," said I with the air of a conqueror.</p> + + <p>Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, did he?"</p> + + <p>"He did. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to + deglute—everything."</p> + + <p>"And with what result?"</p> + + <p>"With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the + finest tea that the greatest experts have blended from the combined + products of Assam and China."</p> + + <p>"Tea?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes, tea of course. You didn't suppose that I was talking of + oysters?"</p> + + <p>"Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Alured," said my wife, "I wish you wouldn't buy things for the house. + That tea is low-grade sweepings."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">LE GRAND PENSEUR.</p> + + <p class="center">(<i>With apologies to the late <font + class="sc">Auguste Rodin</font>.</i>)</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Advertising enthusiast on his holiday seeking + inspiration for a new advertisement for the Underground + Railway.</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he + turned the first sot of the new university."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Turned him out, we trust.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that + a nation was known by its soul and not by its asses."—<i>South + African Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past + braying for.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The doings (or rather sayings!) in the Legislature we are watching + with sympathy and some impatience, much as a bachelor bears with the + gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before + dinner."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And the worst of it is that the Legislature is gambling with + <i>our</i> money.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Miss ——, director of natural science studies at Newnham + College, Oxford, will preside."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are glad to hear of this new women's college at Oxford, but surely + they might have chosen a more original name for it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A.G.J. writes: "Your picture of 'Come unto these Yellow Sands' in the + number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following + line, 'The Wild Waves Whist.'"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" src="images/134.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"I have not seen you at church for two Sundays, + John."</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">"No, Sir. No offence t'you, but oi a-bin doin' t' + chapel passon's garden, so missus thought we'd better give 'im a + turn."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>To review one of Mr. <font class="sc">E.F. Benson's</font> social + satires always gives me somewhat the sensations of the reporter at the + special sermon—a relieved consciousness that, being present on + business, my own withers may be supposed professionally unwrung. + Otherwise, so exploratory a lash.... I seldom recall the touch of it more + shrewd than in <i>Queen Lucia</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>), + an altogether delightful castigation of those persons whom a false + rusticity causes to change a good village into the sham-bucolic home of + crazes, fads and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the + Riseholme community has its centre in <i>Mrs. Lucas</i>, the acknowledged + queen of the place (<i>Lucia</i> = wife of <i>Lucas</i>, which shows you + the character of her empire in a single touch); the matter of the tale is + to tell how her autocracy was threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish + I had space to quote the description of the <i>Lucas</i> home, + "converted" from two genuine cottages, to which had been added a wing at + right-angles, even more Elizabethan than the original, and a yew-hedge, + "brought entire from a neighbouring farm and transplanted with solid + lumps of earth and indignant snails around its roots." Perhaps, apart + from the joy of the setting, you may find some of the incidents, the + faith-healer, the medium and so on, a trifle obvious for Mr. <font + class="sc">Benson</font>. More worthy of him is the central + episode—the arrival as a Riseholme resident of <i>Olga Bracely</i>, + the operatic star of international fame. Her talk, her attitude towards + the place, and the subtle contrast suggested by her between the genuine + and the pretence, show Mr. <font class="sc">Benson</font> at his + light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, in speaking of + which you will observe I have not once so much as mentioned the word + "Cotswolds."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Michael Forth</i> (<font class="sc">Constable</font>) will + doubtless convey a wonderful message to those of us who are clever enough + to grasp its meaning; but I fear that it will be a disappointment to many + admirers of Miss <font class="sc">Mary Johnston's</font> earlier books. + Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to follow this excursion + into the region of metaphysics; indeed I felt as if I had fallen into the + hands of a guide whose language I could only dimly and dully understand. + All of which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that you + should sample <i>Michael</i> for yourselves and see what you can make of + him. Miss <font class="sc">Johnston</font> shouldered an unnecessarily + heavy burden when she decided to tell the story of her hero in the first + person, but in relating <i>Michael's</i> childhood in his Virginian home + she is at her simplest and best. Afterwards, when <i>Michael</i> became + intent on going "deeper and deeper within," he succeeded so well that he + concealed himself from me.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and heartily + approve the growing fashion of publishing or republishing them in volume + form, I am the more jealous that the good repute of this practice should + be preserved from damage by association with unworthy material. I'm + afraid this is a somewhat ominous introduction to a notice of <i>The Eve + of Pascua</i> (<font class="sc">Heinemann</font>), in which, to be + brutally frank, I found little justification for even such longevity as + modern paper conditions permit. "<font class="sc">Richard Dehan</font>" + is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of the public, but none of + the tales in this collection will do <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> anything to add to the + debt. The best is perhaps a very short and quite happily told little jest + called "An Impression," about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing + herself as interpreted by an Impressionist painter. There is also a + sufficiently picturesque piece of Wardour Street medievalism in "The + Tribute of the Kiss," and some original scenery in "The Mother of + Turquoise." But beyond this (though I searched diligently) nothing; + indeed worse, since more than one of the remaining tales, notably + "Wanted, a King" and "The End of the Cotillion," are so preposterous that + their inclusion here can only be attributed to the most cynical + indifference.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the ingredients of + <i>Irish Stew</i> (<font class="sc">Skeffington</font>) are in fact + Irish, and though Mrs. <font class="sc">Dorothea Conyers</font> is best + known as a novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and traditional + horses, I am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adventures of <i>Mr. + Jones</i>, trusted employé of <i>Mosenthals and Co.</i>, better than Mrs. + <font class="sc">Conyers</font>' stage Irishmen. "Our Mr. Jones" is + neither a <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> nor an <i>Aristide Pujol</i>, neither a + <i>Father Brown</i> nor a <i>Bob Pretty</i>, but nevertheless he is an + engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs. <font + class="sc">Conyers</font>' hunting <i>clientèle</i> may much prefer to + read about the dishonesties of <i>Con Cassidy</i> and his + fellow-horse-copers and the simple but heroic <i>O'Toole</i> and his + supernatural friends. But, as the average Irish hunting man cares little + more for books than he does for bill-collectors, his preference may not + be of paramount importance. In any case the Irish ingredients of <i>Irish + Stew</i> would be easier to assimilate if Mrs. <font + class="sc">Conyers</font> would refrain from trying to spell English as + the Irish speak it. If the reader knows Ireland it is unnecessary and + merely makes reading a task. If the reader does not know Ireland no + amount of phonetic spelling will reproduce a single one of the + multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with sound and empty it of sense. On + the whole Mrs. <font class="sc">Conyers</font>' public will not be + disappointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it is <i>Mr. Jones</i> + who will give them their money's worth.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I was, I confess, a little sceptical—you know how it + is—when I read what Messrs. <font class="sc">Hodder and + Stoughton's</font> official reviewer said of Mr. <font class="sc">Hal. G. + Evarts</font>' <i>The Cross-Pull</i>: "The best dog story since The Call + of the Wild," etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr. + <font class="sc">Evarts</font>' hero, <i>Flash</i>, is a noble beast of + mixed strain—grey wolf, coyote, dog. The Cross-Pull is the conflict + between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to his master and mistress + whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf whose proper business is + to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most tamed brutes he is + involved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate outlaws, among + whom is his chief enemy, and he is fortunate enough to serve the state + while pursuing to a successful end his bitter private quarrel. Brute + <i>Brent</i> gets and deserves the kind of bite which was planned by a + far-seeing providence for the elk.... You can tell when an author really + loves and knows animals or is merely "putting it on." Mr. <font + class="sc">Evarts</font> understands, sentimentalises less than most + interpreters; seems to know a good deal. The story loses no interest from + being set in the American hinterland of a few decades ago. All real + animal lovers should get this book—they should really.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it is, to state + what is obvious in regard to a subject while creating by the manner of + the statement an impression of its subtler features, then Mr. <font + class="sc">Percy Brown</font>, in writing <i>Germany in Dissolution</i> + (<font class="sc">Melrose</font>), has proved himself a true artist. For + in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the Spartacist + rising certain things happened which got themselves safely into the + newspapers, and these he sets forth, mostly in headline form. Beyond this + Germany was a seething muddle of contradictions and cross-purposes, + which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably reflected in his pages. + Mr. <font class="sc">Brown</font> is a journalist of the school that does + not stick at a trifle, a German prison, for instance, when his dear + public wants news. His crowning achievement was to persuade Dr. <font + class="sc">Solf</font>, when Foreign Minister, to send through the + official wireless an account of an interview with himself, which would, + as he (<font class="sc">Solf</font>) fondly hoped, help to bamboozle + British public opinion. When the article appeared, so well had the + author's editor read between the lines of the message that the journalist + had to run for his life. He was particularly fortunate too, or clever, in + getting in touch with the Kiel sailors who set the revolution going, but + in spite of much excellent material, mostly of the "scoop" interview + variety, nothing much ever seems to come of it all, and we are left at + the end about as wise as we started. All the same, much of the book's + detail is interesting, however little satisfaction it offers as a + whole.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Ann's First Flutter</i> (<font class="sc">Allen and Unwin</font>) + will not arouse any commotion in the dovecotes of the intellectually + elect, but it provides an amusing entertainment for those who can + appreciate broad and emphatic humour. Mr. R.A. <font + class="sc">Hamblin</font> has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my + only quarrel with him is that I believe him to have a subtler sense of + humour than he reveals here. <i>Ann</i> was a grocer's daughter, and + after her attempt to flutter for herself had failed she married <i>Tom + Bampfield</i>, a grocer's son. <i>Tom</i> had literary ambitions, and was + the author of a novel which his father thought pernicious enough to + destroy his custom. Strange however to relate, the novel failed to + destroy anything except the author's future as a novelist, and when + <i>Tom</i> did succeed in making some pen-money it was by means of a + series of funny articles in <i>The Dry Goods Gazette</i>—articles + so violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated + them. Mr. <font class="sc">Hamblin's</font> fun, let me add, is never + ill-natured. Even bilious grocers will not resent his jovial invasion of + their kingdom.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">THE PRUDENT LOVER.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"City gunsmiths have been busy these days furbishing up sportsmen's + rifles for the '12th.'"—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Personally we use a machine-gun.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, August 18th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16707-h.htm or 16707-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/7/0/16707/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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