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diff --git a/16684.txt b/16684.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..887c022 --- /dev/null +++ b/16684.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2097 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +July 7th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 7th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 12, 2005 [EBook #16684] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +July 7th, 1920. + + + + +[Illustration: Punch Vol. Clix.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VOL. CLIX.] + + * * * * * + +TIMON. + +About a month ago we lost our dog. I can't describe him, although I have +tried from time to time; but Elaine, my wife, said I should not speak in +that fashion of a dumb animal. He stands about two hands high, is of a +reseda-green shade, except when in anger, and has no distinguishing marks +except the absence of a piece of the right ear, which was carried off by a +marauding Irish terrier. He answers with a growl to many names, including +that of Timon. He will also answer to a piece of raw meat, another dog or a +postman. + +I do not know if dogs can be said to have a hobby; if so, Timon's hobby is +postmen. He studies them closely. In fact I should not be surprised if he +comes to write a monograph on them some day. + +As soon as one of them has daringly passed the entrance gates of Bellevue, +Timon trots forth like a reception committee to meet him. He studies the +bunch of communications that the visitor bears in his hand. If they are all +right--cheques from publishers, editors and missing-heir merchants, +invitations to tea and tennis or dinner and dominoes, requests for +autographs--Timon nods and allows the postman to pass unscathed. On the +other hand, if the collection includes rejected manuscripts, income or +other tax demand notes, tracts or circulars, then I hear the low growl with +which Timon customarily goes into action, and the next moment the postman +is making for the neighbouring county and taking a four-foot gate in his +stride. + +Consequently it is to be anticipated that if the Olympic Games are ever +held in our neighbourhood the sprint and the hurdles will be simply at the +mercy of our local post-office. They take no credit for it. It is simply +practice, they say. + +But, to return to the main subject, we have lost Timon. One month has +passed without his cheery presence at Bellevue. Reckless postmen have made +themselves free of the front garden and all colour has gone out of life. + +We have done everything to win him back. We have inserted numerous +advertisements in the agony columns of the newspapers: "If this should +catch the eye of Timon," or "Come back, Timon. All will be forgiven;" but +apparently we have yet to find his favourite newspaper. + +We began with the well-known canine papers, trusting vainly that he might +happen to glance through them some day when he was a bit bored or hadn't an +engagement. After that we went through _The Times_, _The Morning Post_ +(he's strongly anti-Bolshevik), _The Daily News_ (his views on vivisection +are notorious) and other dailies, and then took to the weeklies. + +We had strong hopes for a time that _The Meat Trade Review_ would find him. +Timon is fond of raw meat. But failure again resulted. We have now reached +_Syren and Shipping_ and _The Ironmongers' Gazette_ and-- + + * * * * * + +I must stop here to inform you of the glad news. Elaine has just hurried in +to tell me that Timon has replied and will be back to-morrow. + +How did we catch his eye? Well, of course we should have thought of it +before. It was _The Post Office Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +THE ROMANCE OF BOOKMAKING. + +A VISIT TO MESSRS. PRYCE UNLTD. + +(_With acknowledgments in the right quarter._) + +A gigantic commissionaire flings wide the doors for us and, passing +reverently inside, we are confronted by the magnificent equestrian statue +of Mr. Bookham Pryce, the founder of the firm. This masterpiece of the +Post-Cubist School was originally entitled, "Niobe Weeping for her +Children," but the gifted artist, in recognition of Mr. Pryce's princely +offer of one thousand guineas for the group, waived his right to the title. + +On the left we see the Foreign Department. Here we watch with rapt +attention the arrival of countless business telegrams from all parts of the +world. We choose one or two at random and see for ourselves the +ramifications of Pryce's far-flung booking service. This one from China: +"Puttee fifty taels Boko Lanchester Cup;" another from distant Siberia, +emerging from the primeval forests of that wondrous land of the future: +"Tenbobski Quitter Ebury Handicap." Bets are accepted in all denominations +from Victory Bonds to the cowrie-shells of West Africa. + +Passing up the marble staircase and leaving the Home Department on our +right we arrive at the Stumer Section. Here a small army of ex-Scotland +Yard detectives are engaged in dealing with _mala-fide_ commissions-- +attempts on the part of men of straw to make credit bets, or telegrams +despatched after a race is over. + +Where shall we go next? We ask a courteous shopwalker, who in flawless +English advises us to try the Winter Gardens, where a delightful tea is +served at a minimum cost. Here, whilst sipping a fragrant cup of Orange +Pekoe, we can watch the large screen, on which the results of all races are +flashed within ten seconds of the horses passing the winning-post. At one +time, in fact, it was nothing unusual for Pryce's to have the results +posted before the horses had completed the course, but in deference to the +prejudices of certain purists this practice was abandoned. + +Follows a hurried visit to the Library and Museum, where we gaze enthralled +at the original pair of pigeon-blue trousers with which Mr. Bookham Pryce +made his sensational _debut_ on the Lincoln course in the spring of 1894. +We might linger here a moment to muse over the simple beginnings of great +men, but time is pressing and we are all agog to visit the Bargain +Basement. + +An express lift flashes us downwards in a few seconds and behold we are in +the midst of rows of counters groaning under bargains that even the New +Poor can scarce forbear to grasp. + +Here, for example, is one-hundred-to-eight offered against Pincushion for +the Gimcrack Stakes. This wondrous animal's lineage and previous +performances are carefully tabulated on a card at the side, and, +remembering the form he showed at Gatwick, one wonders, as the man in the +street would say, how it is done. + +Or look at Tom-tom, which left the others simply standing in a field of +forty-four at Kempton Park, and carrying eight-stone-seven. Here he has a +paltry four-pound penalty for the Worcester Welter Handicap, yet one can +have seven to one about him. + +How the House of Pryce can offer such bargains is a mystery to the old +school of red-necked bookmakers, whose Oxford accent was not pronounced. +They fail to see what courtesy, urbanity and meat-teas at three shillings +per head can do in the way of stimulating business. + +From the Bargain Basement we wander at will through the remaining +departments, making inquiries here and there from the expert assistants, +technically known as laymen, without being once importuned to make a bet. + +And when at length, refreshed and pleased with a delightful afternoon, we +pass again through the portals of the House of Pryce, we make for home, +confirmed supporters of the modern personal touch, which has transformed a +drab business into a veritable romance. + + * * * * * + +OUR OPTIMISTIC ADVERTISERS. + + "Will Person who took Gent.'s Trenchcoat by mistake whilst motor-cycle + was on fire in ---- Rd., on Wednesday night, please return same."-- + _Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Alec Herd, who went round in 72, and who is one of the old school, was + second in the Open Championship no fewer than 28 years ago, and won it + as far back as 19042."--_Provincial Paper_. + +_B.C._, of course. + + * * * * * + + "Yesterday was St. Stephen's Day, and, therefore, the patronal festival + of the Abbey Church. Hence the choice of the date for the issue of the + appeal, though probably not one Englishman in a thousand connects the + Abbey with any particular saint."--_Daily Paper_. + +Well, certainly not this one, though we have heard St. PETER alluded to in +this connection. + + * * * * * + +"THE HENLEY REGATTA. + + A remarkable feature of the meeting is the number of ladies rowing, the + ten heats for eight-oared boats in the Ladies' Challenge Cup being + decided to-day."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Lest the male element should be entirely forgotten, would it not be well to +call it in future "The Cock-and-henley regatta"? + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS + +PUBLISHED BY THE MARYLAND COMPANY, SQUINTING HOUSE SQUARE. + +_Ready to-day. An arresting Novel._ + +By RIZZIO DARNLEY. + +_REINCARNATION; OR, THE TWO MARIES._ + +With eighteen illustrations on superpulp paramount artcraft vellum. + + "The story is one of the most gripping that I have ever read. I am + still suffering from its grippe."--_Lord Thanet in "The Daily + Feature."_ + + * * * * * + +_Also ready to-day. The Book of the Year._ + +_FROM SCREEN TO THRONE._ + +By HARRY EGBOLD. + + "I am glad to pay a tribute to the sincerity, intimate knowledge and + exalted Quixotry of this extraordinary book. It is the best that has + ever been written."--_Lord Thanet in "The Daily Mary."_ + + * * * * * + +_The Novel of the Century._ + +_THE PERILS OF MAJESTY._ + +By H. STICKHAM WEED. + +In MALLABY-DEELEY cloth, with luminous portraits. + + "It is so rich in plums that I do not recommend anyone to read more + than half-a-column at a time. In this way the pleasure and profit can + be spread over several weeks. This wonderful book is the product of a + brilliant thinker and tender-hearted gentleman. My shelves are full, + but I should take down any war-book to make room for this."--_Lord + Thanet (third review in "The Douglas Daily Dispatch.")_ + + * * * * * + +_A Novel of Super-Pathos._ + +_THE QUEEN'S REST CURE._ + +By "MR. X." + + "_The Queen's Rest-Cure_ is a greater book than _The Rescue_ by JOSEPH + CONRAD, because the sinister thrill of suspense yields to the ever- + fresh romance of young love. I have read and re-read it with tears of + pure delight, punctuated with shrieks of happy laughter."--_Lord Thanet + in "The Maryland Mirror."_ + + * * * * * + +_QUOTES AND CHEERIES._ + +A medium of instruction and enlightenment for literary gents, gentle +readers and all persons anxious to think about four things at once. + +EVERY SATURDAY. + +_Mary's Journal of her Trip to England._ + +The concluding instalment of Mary Queen of Hearts' journal of her trip to +England appears in the current issue of _Quotes and Cheeries_ under the +caption of "Squinting House Square Papers." Reference has already been made +in a preceding instalment to the riots at the Fitz Hotel and the flight of +the Queen to Wimbledon in a taxi driven by Sir Philip Phibbs, afterwards +Lord Fountain of Penn. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: L'ENFANT TERRIBLE. + +YOUNG TURK. "I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR OUR NATIONAL HONOUR." + +OLD TURK. "WELL, IF YOU MUST. BUT I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS-- +UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golfer_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, SANDY? AREN'T YOU GOING TO +PLAY THIS AFTERNOON?" + +_Sandy_. "MAN, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD? I'VE LOST MA BALL."] + + * * * * * + +ELIZABETH GOES TO THE SALES. + +"Are you goin' to the Summer Sales this year, 'm?" inquired Elizabeth, +suddenly projecting herself on the horizon of my thoughts. + +I laid down my pen at once. It is not possible to continue writing if +Elizabeth desires to make conversation at the same time. + +"Certainly I shall, if I hear of a sale of cheap crockery," I replied +pointedly; "ours badly needs replenishing." + +The barbed arrow did not find its mark. It may require a surgical operation +to get a joke into a Scotsman, but only the medium of some high explosive +could properly convey a hint to Elizabeth. + +"'Oo wants to go to sales to buy things like pots?" asked Elizabeth +scornfully. + +"_People who are always getting their pots broken_," I replied in italics. + +"Well, everyone to their tastes," she commented casually. I began to wonder +if even trinitrotoluol could be ineffective at times. "Wot I mean by sales +is buyin' clothes," she continued; "bargins, you know." + +"Yes, I know," I answered; "I've seen them--in the advertisements. But I +never secure any." + +"Why don't you, then?" + +"Because of all the other people, Elizabeth. Those who get the bargains +seem to have a more dominant nature than mine. They have more grit, +determination--" + +"Sharper elbows is wot you mean," put in Elizabeth. "It's chiefly a matter +of 'oo pushes 'ardest. My! I love a sale if only for the sake o' the +scrimmage. A friend o' mine 'oo's been separated from 'er 'usband becos +they was always fightin' told me she never misses goin' to a sale so that +she'll be in practice in case 'er and 'er old man make it up again." + +"I'm not surprised that I never get any bargains," I commented, "although I +often long to. Look at the advertisement in this newspaper, for instance. +Here's a silk jumper which is absurdly cheap. It's a lovely Rose du Barri +tricot and costs only--" + +"'Oo's rose doo barry trick-o when 'e's at 'ome?" inquired Elizabeth. + +I translated hurriedly. "I mean it's a pink knitted one. Exactly what I +want. But what is the use of my even hoping to secure it?" + +"I'll get it for you," announced Elizabeth. + +"You! But how?" + +"I'll go an' wait an hour or two afore the doors open, an' when they do I +don't 'arf know 'ow to fight my way to the counters. Let me go, m'm. I'd +reelly like the outin'." + +I hesitated, but only for a moment. What could be simpler than sending an +emissary to use her elbows on my behalf? There was nothing unfair in doing +that, especially if I undertook the washing-up in her absence. + +Elizabeth set out very early on the day of the sale looking enthusiastic. +I, equally enthusiastic, applied myself to the menial tasks usually +performed by Elizabeth. We had just finished a lunch of tinned soup, tinned +fish and tinned fruit (oh, what a blessing is a can-opener in the absence +of domestics!) when she reappeared. My heart leapt at the sight of a parcel +in her hand. + +"You got it after all!" I exclaimed. O thrice blessed Elizabeth! O most +excellent domestic! For the battles she had fought that day on my behalf +she should not go unrewarded. + +"I'm longing to try it on," I said as I tore at the outer wrappings. + +"Well, I orter say it isn't the one you told me to get," interposed +Elizabeth. + +I paused in unwrapping the parcel, assailed by sudden misgivings. "Isn't +this the jumper, then?" + +"Not that pertickler one. You see, it was like this: there was a great +'orse of a woman just in front o' me an' I couldn't move ahead of 'er +no'ow, try as I would. It was a case o' bulk, if you know what I mean, an' +elbows wasn't no good. An' 'ang me if she wasn't goin' in for that there +very tricky jumper you wanted! I put up a good fight for it, 'm, I did +indeed. We both reached it at the same time, got 'old of it together, +an'--an'--when it gave way at the seams I let 'er 'ave it," said Elizabeth, +concluding her simple narrative. It sounded convincing enough. I had no +reason to doubt it at the moment. + +"The beast!" I said in the bitterness of my heart. "Is it possible a woman +could so far forget herself as to behave like that, Elizabeth?" + +"But there's no need for you to be disappointed, as I got a jumper for you +arter all," she continued. She took the final wrappings off the parcel and +drew out a garment. "There!" she remarked proudly, holding it aloft. + +The Old Masters, we are told, discovered the secret of colour, but the +colour of that jumper should have been kept a secret--it never ought to +have been allowed to leak out. It was one of those flaming pinks that +cannot be regarded by the naked eye for any length of time, owing to the +strain it puts on the delicate optic nerve. Bands of purple finished off +this Bolshevist creation. + +"How dare you ask me to wear that?" I broke out when I had partially +recovered from the shock. + +"Why, wot's wrong with it? You said you wanted a pink tricky one. It's +pink, isn't it?" + +"Yes, it _is_ pink," I admitted faintly. + +"An' it's far trickier nor wot the other was." + +"You had better keep the jumper for yourself," I said crossly. "No doubt it +will suit you better than it would me." + +She seemed gratified, but not unusually taken aback at my generosity. +"Well, since you ses it yourself, 'm, p'raps it is more my style. Your +complexion won't _stand_ as much as mine." + +I was pondering on whether this was intended as a compliment or an insult +when she spoke again. + +"I shan't 'arf cut a dash," she murmured as she drifted to the door; "an' +it might be the means o' bringin' it off this time." + +"Bringing what off, Elizabeth?" + +"Bringin' my new young man to the point, 'm. You see, 'e do love a bit o' +colour; _an' I knew 'e wouldn't 'ave liked the rose doo barry trick-o, +anyhow._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Proprietor_ (_to the rescue of his assistants, who have +failed to satisfy customer_). "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CAP YOU +DO WANT?" + +_New "Blood."_ "WELL, YE SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS--I'VE BOUGHT A MOTOR-BIKE, AND +I THOUGHT AS 'OW I'D LIKE A CAP WI' A PEAK AT THE BACK."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, a General, plain cooking, gas fires, two boys 9 by 5.--South + Streatham."--_Local Paper._ + +Nothing is said of their third dimensions. + + * * * * * + +A REMARKABLE COINCIDENCE. + + "To-day is the birthday of Lord Durham and his twin brother, the Hon. + F.W. Lambton, both of whom are sixty-five." _Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Prince Arthur is well fitted for the high post to which he has been + called. He is the tallest member of the Royal Family."--_Daily Paper_. + +But it is only fair to his Royal Highness to say that he has other +qualifications as well. + + * * * * * + +From the recent debate on "Doctors and Secrecy":-- + + "If you begin to open the door you take away the sheet anchor upon + which our professional work is based."--_Daily Paper_. + +We trust that the speaker mixes his medicines more discreetly than his +metaphors. + + * * * * * + +ON WITH THE DANCE. + +I have been to a dance; or rather I have been to a fashionable restaurant +where dancing is done. I was not invited to a dance--there are very good +reasons for that; I was invited to dinner. But many of my fellow-guests +have invested a lot of money in dancing. That is to say, they keep on +paying dancing-instructors to teach them new tricks; and the dancing- +instructors, who know their business, keep on inventing new tricks. As soon +as they have taught everybody a new step they say it is unfashionable and +invent a new one. + +This is all very well from their point of view, but it means that, in order +to keep up with them and get your money's worth out of the last trick you +learned, it is necessary during its brief life of respectability to dance +at every available opportunity. You dance as many nights a week as is +physically possible; you dance on week-days and you dance on Sundays; you +begin dancing in the afternoon and you dance during tea in the coffee-rooms +of expensive restaurants, whirling your precarious way through littered and +abandoned tea-tables; and at dinner-time you leap up madly before the fish +and dance like variety artistes in a highly-polished arena before a crowd +of complete strangers eating their food; or, as if seized with an +uncontrollable craving for the dance, you fling out after the joint for one +wild gallop in an outer room, from which you return, perspiring and +dyspeptic, to the consumption of an ice-pudding, before dashing forth to +the final orgy at a picture-gallery, where the walls are appropriately +covered with pictures of barbaric women dressed for the hot weather. + +That is what happened at this dinner. As soon as you had started a nice +conversation with a lady a sort of roaring was heard without; her eyes +gleamed, her nostrils quivered like a horse planning a gallop, and in the +middle of one of your best sentences she simply faded away with some +horrible man at the other end of the table who was probably "the only man +in London who can do the Double Straddle properly." This went on the whole +of the meal, and it made connected conversation quite difficult. For my own +part I went on eating, and when I had properly digested I went out and +looked at the little victims getting their money's worth. + +From the door of the room where the dancing was done a confused uproar +overflowed, as if several men of powerful physique were banging a number of +pokers against a number of saucepans, and blowing whistles, and occasional +catcalls, and now and then beating a drum and several sets of huge cymbals, +and ceaselessly twanging at innumerable banjoes, and at the same time +singing in a foreign language, and shouting curses or exhortations or +street cries, or imitating hunting-calls and the cry of the hyena, or +uniting suddenly in the war-whoop of some pitiless Sudan tribe. + +It was a really terrible noise. It hit you like the back-blast of an +explosion as you entered the room. There was no distinguishable tune. It +was simply an enormous noise. But there was a kind of savage rhythm about +it which made one think immediately of Indians and fierce men and the +native camps one used to visit at the Earl's Court Exhibition. And this was +not surprising. For the musicians included one genuine negro and three men +with their faces blacked; and the noise and the rhythm were the authentic +music of a negro village in South America, and the words which some genius +had once set to the noise were an exhortation to go to the place where the +negroes dwelt. + +To judge by their movements, many of the dancers had in fact been there, +and had carefully studied the best indigenous models. They were doing some +quite extraordinary things. No two couples were doing quite the same thing +for more than a few seconds, so that there was an endless variety of +extraordinary postures. Some of them shuffled secretly along the edge of +the room, their faces tense, their shoulders swaying like reeds in a light +wind, their progress almost imperceptible; they did not rotate, they did +not speak, but sometimes the tremor of a skirt or the slight stirring of a +patent-leather shoe showed that they were indeed alive and in motion, +though that motion was as the motion of a glacier, not to be measured in +minutes or yards. + +And some in a kind of fever rushed hither and thither among the thick +crowd, avoiding disaster with marvellous dexterity; and sometimes they +revolved slowly and sometimes quickly and sometimes spun giddily round for +a moment like gyroscopic tops. Then they too would be seized with a kind of +trance, or it may be with sheer shortness of breath, and hung motionless +for a little in the centre of the room, while the mad throng jostled and +flowed about them like the leaves in Autumn round a dead bird. + +And some did not revolve at all, but charged straightly up and down; and +some of these thrust their loves for ever before them, as the Prussians +thrust the villagers in the face of the enemy, and some for ever navigated +themselves backwards like moving breakwaters to protect their darlings from +the precipitate seas. + +Some of them kept themselves as upright as possible, swaying slightly like +willows from the hips, and some of them contorted themselves into strange +and angular shapes, now leaning perilously forward till they were +practically lying upon their terrified partners, and now bending sideways +as a man bends who has water in one ear after bathing. All of them clutched +each other in a close and intimate manner, but some, as if by separation to +intensify the joy of their union, or perhaps to secure greater freedom for +some particularly spacious manoeuvre, would part suddenly in the middle of +the room and, clinging distantly with their hands, execute a number of +complicated side-steps in opposite directions, or aim a series of vicious +kicks at each other, after which they would reunite in a passionate embrace +and gallop in a frenzy round the room, or fall into a trance or simply fall +down. If they fell down they lay still for a moment in the fearful +expectation of death, as men lie who fall under a horse; and then they +would creep on hands and knees to the wall through the whirling and +indifferent crowd. + +Watching them, you could not tell what any one couple would do next. The +most placid and dignified among them might at any moment fling a leg out +behind them and almost kneel in mutual adoration, and then, as if nothing +unusual had happened, shuffle onward through the press; or, as though some +electric mechanism had been set in motion, they would suddenly lift a foot +sideways and stand on one leg. Poised pathetically, as if waiting for the +happy signal when they might put the other leg down, these men looked very +sad, and I wished that the Medusa's head might be smuggled somehow into the +room for their attitudes to be imperishably recorded in cold stone; it +would have been a valuable addition to modern sculpture. + +Upon this whirlpool I embarked with the greatest misgiving and a strange +young woman clinging to my person. The noise was deafening. The four black +men were now all shouting at once and playing all their instruments at +once, working up to the inconceivable uproar of the finale; and all the +dancers began to dance with a last desperate fury. Bodies buffeted one from +behind, and while one was yet looking round in apology or anger more bodies +buffeted one from the flank. It was like swimming in a choppy sea, where +there is no time to get the last wave out of your mouth before the next one +hits you. + +Close beside us a couple fell down with a great crash. I looked at them +with concern, but no one else took any notice. On with the dance! Faster +and faster the black men played. I was dimly aware now that they were +standing on their chairs, bellowing, and fancied the end must be near. Then +we were washed into a quiet backwater, in a corner, and from here I +determined never to issue till the Last Banjo should indeed sound. Here I +sidled vaguely about for a long time, hoping that I looked like a man +preparing for some vast culminating feat, a side-step or a buzz or a +double-Jazz-spin or an ordinary fall down. + +The noise suddenly ceased; the four black men had exploded. + +"Very good exercise," my partner said. + +"Quite," said I. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_booming his land to inquiring stranger_). "THAT +THERE LAND BE WORTH DREE HUNDRED POUND AN ACRE IF IT BE WORTH A PENNY, IT +BE. WERE YOU THINKING O' BUYING AN' SETTLING HERE?" + +_Stranger_. "OH, NO. I'M THE NEW TAX-COLLECTOR."] + + * * * * * + + "We published yesterday a protest from an eminent correspondent against + the appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin. We understand, + nevertheless, that LORD D'ABERNON has been selected for the + appointment."--_Times_. + +Sir WILLIAM ORPEN is already at work, we understand, on a picture for next +year's Academy, entitled "David defying the Thunderer." + + * * * * * + +VANISHED GLORY. + +(_The Life-tragedy of a Military Wag_.) + + Time was I rocked the crowded tents + With laughter loud and hearty, + Librettist to the regiment's + Diverting concert party; + With choice of themes so very small + The task was far from tiring; + There really was no risk at all + Of any joke misfiring. + + I found each gibe at army rules + Appreciated fully; + I sparkled when describing mules + As "embryonic bully," + Or, aided by some hackneyed tune, + Increased my easy laurels + By stringing verses to impugn + The quartermaster's morals. + + And so I vowed on my demob. + To shun the retrogression + To any sort of office job; + I'd jest as a profession + And burst upon the world a new + Satirical rebuker, + Acquiring fame and maybe too + A modicum of lucre. + + But vain are all my _jeux de mot_, + No lip is loosed in laughter; + I send them to the Press, but no + Acceptance follows after; + And if, as formerly, I try + Satiric themes my gibe'll + Be certain to be hampered by + The common law of libel. + + In short, my hopes begin to fade; + The yawning gulf has rent them + Twixt finding subjects ready made + And having to invent them. + Shattered my foolish dreams recede + And pass into the distance, + And I must search for one in need + Of clerical assistance. + + * * * * * + + "SOLDIER BREAKS WINDOW AND BOLTS WITH TWO CAKES."--_Daily Paper_. + +You can only do this kind of thing with the refreshment-room variety. + + * * * * * + + "For Sceptic Throats use Iodized Throat Tablets."--_Local Paper_. + +This distressing complaint is the very reverse of "clergyman's sore +throat." + + * * * * * + + "LADY wishes to Exchange, from 15th July to 15th September, Young + Englishman for Young Frenchman."--_Daily Paper_. + +We fear she is a flirt. + + * * * * * + +THE KING'S MESSENGER. + +In Paris Geraldine's mother suggested that, as I was paying a visit to +London, I could bring Geraldine out with me on the return journey. She also +suggested that I might bring out a new hat for her (Geraldine's mother) at +the same time. Though being in love neither with Geraldine's mother nor +with Geraldine's mother's hat I had to take kindly to both, to further my +dark designs with regard to Geraldine. + +In London I inspected the hat, complete in box. It was immediately obvious +that it and I could never make the journey to Paris together. The sight of +me carrying a hat-box at the early hour of 8 A.M. on Victoria Station would +have put Geraldine off. Geraldine is very pretty, but she is like that. + +On reflection, the transport of the hat from London to Paris seemed to me +to be a matter eminently suited to the machinery of our Foreign Office. +Though the Foreign Officer is as formidable as a Bishop in his own +cathedral, he is, to those who persist in knowing him personally, a man +much like oneself, fond of his glass of beer, ready to exchange one good +turn for another. It happens that I have assisted the F.O. to make peace +much as I have helped the W.O. to make war. In the sacred precincts I +reminded my friend of this fact, and impressed upon him that the +consolidation of the _entente_ between Geraldine and myself was one of the +most urgent political matters of the day. He was undiplomatic enough to ask +how he could help ... + +I don't want you to lose your awe of Diplomatic Bags, but there have been +occasions when the Secret and Confidential Despatch consists of little more +than a personal note from one strong silent man to another, touching on +such domestic subjects as, say, a relative's hat. It was eventually, if +arduously, arranged that in this instance the despatch should consist of +the hat itself ... + +My fascinating manner of greeting Geraldine on Victoria Station did not +betray the fact that I had seen that arch-villain, George Nesbitt, +installed in our train, looking terribly important. George doesn't want to +marry any girl; every girl therefore wants to marry George. I managed to +hustle Geraldine into our carriage and get her locked in without her seeing +George. But George had seen her, and, not knowing that he doesn't want to +marry any girl and thinking that he wants to marry every girl, he firmly +convinced himself (I have no doubt) that he was passionately in love with +Geraldine as he travelled down to Folkestone in his lonely splendour. + +On the Channel boat ... but perhaps it is fairer to all parties to omit +that part. + +At Boulogne I became inextricably mixed up with the Customs' people; +Geraldine meanwhile got inevitably associated with George Nesbitt. She +would, of course. Indeed, when at last I scrambled to the Paris train, with +the cord of my pyjamas trailing from my kit-bag, there was Geraldine +installed in George's special carriage, very sympathetically studying +George's passport, wherein all Foreign Powers, great, small and medium- +sized, were invited in red ink to regard George as It. + +George informed me that, being a King's Messenger, he was afraid he dare +not trust me, as a mere member of the public, to travel in the same +carriage as the Diplomatic Bag. I said I must stay with them and keep an +eye on Geraldine. George said that he would do that. In that case, I said, +I would stay and keep an eye on the Diplomatic Bag. Geraldine being at one +end of the carriage and the bag being at the other end George could not +very well keep an eye on both. The possibility of George's eyes wandering +apart when he was off his guard made a fleeting impression on Geraldine in +my favour. I stayed. + +George then set about to make the most of himself. Geraldine abetted. +Geraldine is a terror. I became more determined than ever to marry her, +George and the KING notwithstanding. George however got going. "For a plain +fellow like myself" (he knows how confoundedly handsome he is) "it has been +some little satisfaction to be selected as a Special Courier." + +I explained the method of selection as I guessed it. "He forced his way +into the F.O. and in an obsequious tone, which you and I, Geraldine, would +be ashamed to adopt, begged for the favour of a bag to carry with him. If +the KING had known about it he would rather have sent his messages by +post." + +"The general public," said George to Geraldine, "is apt to be very noisy +and tiresome on railway journeys, is it not?" + +Geraldine acquiesced. She doesn't often do that, but when she does it is +extremely pleasant for the acquiescee. I pressed on with my explanation +desperately. "I can hear poor old George pleading in a broken voice that he +had to get to Paris and dared not go by himself. So they listened to his +sad story and gave him a bag to see him through, and it isn't George who is +taking the bag to Paris, but the bag which is taking George." To prevent +him arguing I told Geraldine that you can tell a real K.M. by his Silver +Greyhound badge, which he'll show you if you doubt him, just as you can +tell a stockbroker by his pearl tie-pin, which you can see for yourself. +This put George on his mettle. + +"To think that to me are entrusted messages which may alter the map of +Europe and change the history of the world! But I mustn't let my conceit +run away with me, must I?" Positively I believe Geraldine at that began to +play with the idea of doing what George said he mustn't let his conceit do. +Anyhow I had half-an-hour to myself while she listened to the inner +histories of European Courts and flirted with the Bearer of Despatches. I +was left gazing at the bag. + +There was only one bag, but it was very bulky. The contents were a tight +fit; something round, about a yard in diameter, about a foot and a half in +depth. + +"Are you looking after this bag of yours properly, George?" I asked. "We +shall be very angry with you if you go and lose it." Something indefinable +but intensely important in my tone caught Geraldine's attention. + +"That is between me and the F.O.," said George irritably. + +"When I was talking to them about it--" said I. + +"What have you to do with the Foreign Office?" asked Geraldine. + +"Little enough," I said modestly. "I have my own business to see to. But +the F.O. have always wanted to have something to do with me. So I gave them +the job of looking after your mother's hat. Had I known that they would +send it along by any Tom, Dick or George who happened to drop in and offer +to take the bag--" + +George snatched the bag, examined it hastily and then tried to conceal it +behind his own luggage. But Geraldine knows enough about hats to be able to +spot a hatbox, when put to it, through all the heavy canvas and all the +fancy labels in the world. So there was nothing more to be said about it; +and there was little more to be done about it except for George to go on +doing special messenger with it. The inner histories died down and, after a +brief silence, George affected to go to sleep. + +I only woke him up once and that was to ask whether he cared to look after +the rest of my luggage for me. + +When we got to Paris I explained to George that I had not meant to hurt his +feelings; there was no fellow I would more gladly entrust my odd jobs to. +Indeed Geraldine and I should want him to officiate in a similar capacity +at the coming ceremony. + +A very satisfactory conclusion. I got Geraldine; Geraldine got her full +deserts--me; and if George had the misfortune to sit on the bag in the +taxi, what matter? Geraldine had acquiesced; after that who cared what +Geraldine's mother did, said, thought or wore? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Boy_. "WHO'S THAT FAT MAN, DAD?" + +_Dad_. "DON'T KNOW. HE LOOKS LIKE A PROFITEER." + +_Small Boy_. "DON'T YOU THINK HE MUST BE ONE OF THE EXCESS PROFITEERS?"] + + * * * * * + + "Lady Clerk wanted for office work, with an engineering firm, a few + miles out of Leeds; also able to cook and serve a luncheon for the + principals."--_Yorkshire Paper._ + +If you want a cook nowadays you must employ a little diplomacy. + + * * * * * + + "During a discussion on over-crowded motor 'buses a member declared + that on one occasion 110 persons were found 'clinging like bees' to a + car certified to hold 0."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Some of these might have been accommodated in the bonnet. + + * * * * * + + "In Nepal His Highness shot what is believed to be the record tigress. + She was a most magnificent specimen, with a total length of 9 feet 7 + inches--her body alone measuring 9 feet 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._ + +The record, of course, consisted in the brevity of her two-inch tail. + + * * * * * + +From Smith Minor's Scripture-paper: + + "Abraham was the man who was very keen to go into the land of Israel + but he did not obey the word of the Lord, and the Lord's punishment to + him was to forbid him to go into this land. There he sat on the heights + of Abraham looking down on this land." + +And crying "Wolfe, Wolfe!" + + * * * * * + +GOLDWIRE AND POPPYSEED. + +(_A Chinese Poem._) + + I make a bow; and then + I seize my brush (or pen) + And paint in hues enamel-bright + Scenes of Cathay for your delight. + + Two buzzards by a stream, + So still that they might seem + Part of a carving wrought in bone + To decorate a royal throne. + + Two lovers by a mill, + A picture sweeter still: + Will Chen-ki-Tong in this pursuit + Evade Pa-pa's avenging boot? + + Lotus and mirror-lake + AEsthetic contact make; + No interfering dragon wags + His tail across their travelling bags. + + Blue terraces of jade; + Sherbet and lemonade + Regale the overloaded guests; + They loose the buttons on their chests. + + Birds'-nests and shark-fin soup: + I join the festive group; + My simple spirit merely begs + A brace of fifteenth-century eggs. + + Pa-pa with heavy whip + Waits near the laden ship. + The cloud that hides the ivory moon + Is singularly opportune. + + Clamour of gilded gongs + And shout of wedding songs. + I do not fail to notice that + The ophicleides are playing flat. + + Peacock and palanquin, + Lacquered without, within. + This is the jasmine-scented bride + Resting her fairy toes inside. + + Joss-sticks and incense sweet. + The perfume of her feet + Creates around her paradise. + I also find it rather nice. + + A Chinese tale, you know, + Works upward from below. + The sense of mine is none the worse + If taken backward, verse by verse. + + * * * * * + + "Frederick ----, 14, was summoned for failing to display a white front + light on a bicycle and pleaded guilty. + + Policewoman ---- stated the facts, and was fined 5s."--_Local Paper._ + +Most discouraging. + + * * * * * + + "Florists by the thousand for cutting. They are also nice for borders + round grass-plots, along hedges, round shrubs, etc."--_Dutch Bulb + Catalogue_. + +We should not dare to treat a British florist like this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bright Beginner_ (_as opponent is serving_). "DOES THE BALL +COME TO ME NOW?"] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +"The English comedians are great," Mr. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS is reported to +have told an interviewer. He has already accepted an invitation, we +understand, to visit the Law Courts and hear Mr. Justice DARLING ask, "Who +is MARY PICKFORD?" + +* * * + +A turkey with four legs has been born in Purley. This attempt to divert +attention from the visit of Miss MARY PICKFORD seems to have failed +miserably. + +* * * + +"The increased wages in the catering trade," says an employer, "will be +borne by the public." How he came to think out this novel plan is what +mystifies the man in the street. + +* * * + +There is one reason, we read, why tea cannot be sold cheaper. If "The +Profiteer" is not the right answer, it's quite a good guess. + +* * * + +No burglar seems to visit the houses of the profiteers, says a Labour +speaker. Perhaps they have a delicacy about dealing with people in the same +line of business. + +* * * + +For the seventh successive time, says a news item, there are no prisoners +for trial at Stamford Quarter Sessions. We can only remind the Court that +bulldog perseverance is bound to tell in the end. + +* * * + +It is fairly evident that the Americans fully realised the physical +impossibility of having American bacon and Prohibition in their own country +at the same time. + +* * * + +Western Texas, says a cable message, is being eaten bare by a plague of +grasshoppers. Before Prohibition set in a little thing like that would +never have been noticed in Texas. + +* * * + +Some of the new rich, says a gossip, only wear a suit once. There are +others like that, only it is a much longer once. + +* * * + +"A healthy boy's skin should be well tanned after a holiday," says a +health-culture writer. Surely not, unless he has done something to deserve +it. + +* * * + +"But why a Ministry of Mines?" asks a contemporary. The object, of course, +is to put the deep-level pocket-searching operations of the CHANCELLOR OF +THE EXCHEQUER on a national basis. + +* * * + +Special arrangements have been made for expediting fish traffic on all +railways. Meanwhile it is to be regretted that, owing to the nation's +persistent neglect of scientific research, the self-delivering haddock is +still in the experimental stage. + +* * * + +New Jersey has a clock with a dial thirty-eight feet across. In any other +country this would be the largest clock in the world. In America it is just +a full-size wrist-watch. + +* * * + +According to a medical writer, hearing can often be restored by a series of +low explosions. The patient is advised to stand quite close to a man who +has just received his tailor's bill. + +* * * + +Baby tortoises are being sold for two-pence-halfpenny each in Kentish Town, +says a news item. One bricklayer declared that he wouldn't know what to do +for exercise without his to lead about. + +* * * + +An extraordinary report reaches us from a village in Essex. It appears that +in spite of the proximity of several letter-boxes, a water-pump and a +German machine-gun, a robin has deliberately built its nest in a local +hedgerow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: I.O.U. + +GERMAN DELEGATE (_at Spa Conference_). "WE HAVE NO MONEY; BUT, TO PROVE +THAT WE ARE ANXIOUS TO PAY YOU BACK, LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH OUR +BERNHARDI'S NEW BOOK ON THE NEXT WAR."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 28th._--Less than thirty years ago the prophets of ill +foresaw ruin for the British shipping trade if the dock labourers got their +"tanner." The "tanner" has now become a florin, and this afternoon the +Peers passed without a dissentient voice the Second Reading of a Bill to +enable Port and Harbour authorities to pay it. + +They were much more critical over the Increase of Rent Bill, and at the +instance of Lord MIDLETON defeated by a two to one majority the +Government's proposal to deprive landlords of the power to evict strikers +in order to provide accommodation for men willing to work. But the +Government got a little of their own back on the clause authorising an +increase of rent on business premises by forty per cent. Lord SALISBURY +wanted seventy-five per cent. and haughtily refused Lord ASTOR'S sporting +offer of fifty, but on a division he was beaten by 25 to 23. + +In the Commons Sir FREDERICK HALL complained that slate and slack were +still being supplied to London consumers under the guise and at the price +of coal. What was the Government going to do about it? Mr. BRIDGEMAN +replied that control having been removed the Government could do nothing, +and consumers must find their own remedy--a reply which drove Sir FREDERICK +into such paroxysms of indignation that the SPEAKER was obliged to +intervene. + +Mr. KILEY'S gloomy vaticinations as to the disastrous effect of the Plumage +Bill on British commerce met with no encouragement from Sir ROBERT HORNE. +In his opinion, I gather, our foreign trade is quite safe, and the Bill +will not knock a feather out of it. + +To Viscount CURZON'S inquiry whether the Allies were going to proceed with +the trial of the EX-KAISER the PRIME MINISTER at first replied that he had +"nothing to add." On being twitted with his election-pledge he added a good +deal. When he gave that pledge, it seems, he did not contemplate the +possibility that Holland would refuse to surrender her guest, and he had no +intention of using force to compel her. WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, he +considered, was not worth any more bloodshed. In that case the Government +would save a good deal of Parliamentary time if they were definitely to +write him off with their other bad debts. + +Among other methods of brightening village life the Ministry of Agriculture +has lately circulated "rules for the mutual insurance of pigs and cows." +The intellectual development of our domestic animals evidently proceeds +apace. We have all heard of the learned pig, but that the cow also should +be deemed capable of conducting actuarial calculations does, I confess, +surprise me. + +[Illustration: "WHO WAS CHIEF MOURNER?" + "I," SAID THE WREN, + "I, WEDGWOOD BENN, +I WAS CHIEF MOURNER." ] + +Having heard the latest feat of the Sinn Feiners in kidnapping a British +General, the House evidently considered that it had better hurry up with +the Government of Ireland Bill. Clauses 51 to 69 were run through in +double-quick time. Only on Clause 70, providing for the repeal of the Home +Rule Act of 1914, did any prolonged debate arise. Captain WEDGWOOD BENN +pleasantly described this as the only clause in the Bill that was not +nonsense, and therefore moved its omission. He was answered by the PRIME +MINISTER, who declared that no Irishman would now be content with the Act +of 1914, and defended the present Bill on the curious ground that it gave +Ireland as much self-government as Scotland had ever asked for. Sir EDWARD +CARSON'S plea that it was a case of "this Bill or an Irish Republic" was +probably more convincing. In a series of divisions the "Wee Frees" never +mustered more than seventeen votes. The author of the Act of 1914, Mr. +ASQUITH, was not present at the obsequies. + +_Tuesday, June 29th._--The establishment of a "National home" for the +Jewish race in Palestine aroused the apprehensions of Lord SYDENHAM and +other Peers, who feared that the Moslem inhabitants would be exploited by +the Zionists, and would endeavour to re-establish Turkish rule. Lord CURZON +did his best to remove these impressions. Authority in Palestine would be +exercised by Great Britain as the Mandatory Power, and the Zionists would +not be masters in their "national home," but only a sort of "paying +guests." The confidence felt in Sir HERBERT SAMUEL'S absolute impartiality +as between Jews and Arabs was such that a high authority had prophesied +that within six months the High Commissioner would be equally unpopular +with both races. + +In the Commons Mr. BALDWIN explained that the Inland Revenue Authorities +were taking all possible steps to collect income-tax in Ireland despite the +obstacles placed in their way by the local authorities. Whereupon Sir +MAURICE DOCKRELL, in his richest brogue, summarised the Irish situation as +follows: "Is not the difficulty that they do not know which horse to back?" + +A Bill "to continue temporarily the office of Food Controller" was read a +first time. The House would, I think, be sorry to part with Mr. MCCURDY, +whose replies to Questions are often much to the point. He was asked this +afternoon, for example, to give the salaries of three of his officials, and +this was his crisp reply: "The Director of Vegetable Supplies serves the +Ministry without remuneration; the post of Deputy-Director of Vegetable +Supplies does not exist, and that of Director of Fish Supplies has lapsed." + +Mr. BONAR LAW shattered two elaborately-constructed mare's-nests when he +announced that the appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin was made +in pursuance of an agreement arrived at in Boulogne on the initiative of +the French Government, and that Lord D'ABERNON'S name was suggested by the +FOREIGN SECRETARY. I am not betraying any confidence when I add that it +will be no part of Lord D'ABERNON'S new duties to establish a Liquor +Control Board on the Spree. + +The Overseas Trade (Credits and Insurance) Bill was skilfully piloted +through its Second Reading by Mr. BRIDGEMAN. The House was much pleased to +hear that only nine officials would be required to administer the +twenty-six millions involved, and that their salaries would not exceed +seven thousand pounds a year--although two of them were messengers. + +But this temporary zeal for economy quickly evaporated when the Pre-War +Pensions Bill made its appearance. Member after Member got up to urge the +extension of the Bill to this or that deserving class, until Sir L. +WORTHINGTON-EVANS pointed out that, if their demands were acceded to, the +Bill, instead of costing some two millions a year, would involve three or +four times that amount. + +_Wednesday, June 30th._--The Lords discussed, in whispers suitable to the +occasion, the Official Secrets Bill. As originally drawn it provided that +any person retaining without lawful authority any official document should +be guilty of a misdemeanour. But, thanks to the vigilance of Lords BURNHAM +and RIDDELL, this clause, under which every editor in Fleet Street might +have found himself in Holloway, was appreciably softened. Even so, the +pursuit of "stunts" and "scoops" will be a decidedly hazardous occupation. + +The Press Lords were again on the alert when the Rents Bill came on, and +objected to a clause giving the LORD CHANCELLOR power to order proceedings +under the measure to be held in private. This time the LORD CHANCELLOR was +less pliant, and plainly suggested that the newspapers were actuated in +this matter by regard for their circulations. Does he really suppose that +the disputes of landlords and tenants will supply such popular "copy" as to +crowd out the confessions of Cabinet Ministers? + +[Illustration: HALF MEASURES. + +SIR ROBERT HORNE, PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE, AND SIR ERIC GEDDES, +MINISTER OF TRANSPORT (_speaking together_). "That's a rummy get-up. But +perhaps he couldn't afford anything better."] + +Constant cross-examination on the Amritsar affair, involving the necessity +of framing polite replies to thinly-veiled suggestions that MONTAGU rhymes +with O'DWYER, is making the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR INDIA a little restive. +The tone in which he expressed his hope that the promised debate would not +be much longer delayed distinctly suggested that his critics would then be +"for it." + +Two days ago the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT expounded in a White Paper his +elaborate plan for redistributing and co-ordinating the activities of the +railway companies--the North Eastern excepted--and directing them all from +an office in Whitehall. By the Ministry of Mines Bill it is proposed to +treat the mines in much the same way. Sir ERIC GEDDES' scheme has yet to +run the gauntlet of Parliamentary criticism. Sir ROBERT HORNE'S had its +baptism of fire this afternoon, and a pretty hot fire it was. Miners like +Mr. BRACE cursed it because it did not go all the way to Nationalisation; +coal-owners like Sir CLIFFORD CORY, because it went too far in that +direction. The voice of the mere consumer, who only wants coal cheap and +plentiful, was hardly heard. The second reading was carried, but by a +majority substantially less than the normal. + +_Thursday, July 1st._--Unfortunately the House of Lords does not contain a +representative of Sinn Fein and therefore had no opportunity of learning +the opinion of the dominant party in Ireland regarding Lord MONTEAGLE'S +Dominion of Ireland Bill. Other Irish opinion, as expressed by Lords +DUNRAVEN and KILLANIN, was that it would probably cause the seething pot to +boil over. Lord ASHBOURNE made sundry observations in Erse, one of which +was understood to be that "Ireland could afford to wait." The Peers +generally agreed with him, and, after hearing from the LORD CHANCELLOR that +of all the Irish proposals he had studied this contained the most elements +of danger, threw out the Bill without a division. + +"A sinecure, whose holder is in receipt of a salary of five thousand pounds +per annum," was Mr. BONAR LAW'S description of his office as Lord Privy +Seal. The House rewarded the modesty of its hard-working Leader with +laughter and cheers. None of his predecessors has excelled him in courtesy +and assiduity; as regards audibility there is room for improvement. Mr. LAW +rarely plays to the Gallery; but he might more often speak in its +direction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE--THAT'S WHAT COMES O' ARGUING ALONG O' YOU; I'VE LAID +FOUR BRICKS OVER ME THREE 'UNDRED!"] + + * * * * * + + "The funniest game in the world is chicket."--_Provincial Paper._ + +We should like to hear more of this humorous pastime. + + * * * * * + +A daily paper describes the contest at Henley for the "Silver Giblets." It +is rumoured that the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs has become a +bimetallist. + + * * * * * + +THREE EXCEPTIONAL MEN. + +"If these men are types, how London has changed!" I said to myself. But can +they be? I fear not; I fear that "exceptional" is the only word to use. Yet +it was very remarkable to meet them all on the same day, Friday, June 25th. + +The first was on an omnibus. A big man with a grey beard who was alone on +the seat. Several other seats had only one passenger; the rest--mine among +them--were full. At Westminster came up a youth and a girl who very +obviously were lovers. Owing to the disposition of the seats they had to +separate, the girl subsiding into the place beside the big man immediately +in front of me. At first he said nothing, and then, just as we were passing +the scaffolding of the Cenotaph, he did something which proved him to be +very much out of the common, a creature apart. Reaching across and touching +the youth on the shoulder, he said, "Let me change places with you. I +expect you young people would like to sit together." + +That was exceptional, you will agree. He was right too; the young people +did like to sit together. I could see that. And the more the omnibus rocked +and lurched the more they liked it. + +The second exceptional man was a taxi-driver. I wanted to get to a certain +office before it shut, and there were very few minutes to do it in. The +driver did his best, but we arrived just too late; the door was locked. + +"That's a bit of hard luck," he said. "But they're all so punctual closing +now. It's the daylight-saving does it. Makes people think of the open-air +more than they used." + +As I finished paying him--no small affair, with all the new supplements--he +resumed. + +"I'm sorry you had the journey for nothing," he said. "It's rough. But +never mind--have something on Comrade for the Grand Prix" (he pronounced +"Prix" to rhyme with "fix") "in France on Sunday. I'm told it's the goods. +Then you won't mind about your bad luck this afternoon. Don't forget-- +Comrade to win and one, two, three." + +After this I must revise my opinion of taxi-drivers, which used not to be +very high: especially as Comrade differed from most racehorses of my +acquaintance by coming in first. + +The third man perhaps was more unexpected than exceptional. His +unexpectedness took the form not of benevolence but of culture. He is a +vendor of newspapers. A pleasant old fellow with a smiling weather-beaten +face, grey moustache and a cloth cap, whom I have known for most of the six +years during which he has stood every afternoon except Sundays on the kerb +between a lamp-post and a letter-box at one of London's busiest corners. I +have bought his papers and referred to the weather all that time, but I +never talked with him before. Why, I cannot say; I suppose because the hour +had not struck. On Friday, however, we had a little conversation, all +growing from the circumstance that while he was counting out change I +noticed a fat volume protruding from his coat pocket and asked him what it +was. + +It was his reply that qualified him to be numbered among Friday's elect. +"That book?" he said--"that's _Barchester Towers_." + +I asked him if he read much. + +He said he loved reading, and particularly stories. MARIE CORELLI, OUIDA, +he read them all; but TROLLOPE was his favourite. He liked novels in +series; he liked to come on the same people again. + +"But there's another reason," he added, "why I like TROLLOPE. You see we +were both at the Post Office." + +Some day soon I am going to try him with one of Mr. WALKLEY'S criticisms. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A--AH! D'YOU K--KNOW YOU'RE S--STANDING ON MY FOOT?" + +"WELL, WOT YER GOIN' TO DO ABAHT IT?"] + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Lawn Tennis Championship, purporting to be written +by Mlle. SUZANNE LENGLEN:-- + + "Quelle journees ils etait!" + "Mon dieu, comme etait beau!" + "C'est le partie le plus dispute." + _Sunday Paper._ + +We can only hope that the Entente is now strong enough to survive even +these shocks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.] + +[Illustration: IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.] + + * * * * * + +PRISCILLA PAINTS. + +"There was a lot of men in the boat," said Priscilla from behind the table, +where she sat daubing with little energetic grunts. + +"Oh, there were, were there?" I answered from behind _The Times_. + +Confident of arousing my enthusiasm in the end, she continued to issue +tantalising bulletins about the progress of the great work. + +"It was an all-colour boat," she told me, "purple and yellow and green." + +"A very nice kind of boat too," I agreed. + +"And the biggest man of all hadn't got _any_ body at all." + +I suggested weakly that perhaps the biggest man of all had left his body +behind on the table at home. The suggestion was scorned. + +"No, he hadn't never had any body at all, _this_ man," she replied. And +then, as my interest seemed to be flagging again, "They all had _very_ rosy +faces; and do you know why they had?" + +"I don't, I'm sure." + +"Because they'd eaten up all their greens." + +Vanquished at last, I went over to visit the eupeptic voyagers. Seven in +all, they stood in their bright boat on a blue sea beneath a round and +burning sun. Their legs were long and thin, their bodies globular (all save +one), and their faces large. They were dressed apparently in light pink +doublets and hose, and on his head each wore a huge purple turban the shape +of a cottage loaf, surmounted by a ragged plume. They varied greatly in +stature, but their countenances were all fixed in the same unmeaning stare. +Take it all in all, it was an eerie and terrible scene. + +"I don't quite see how the boat moves along, Priscilla," I said; "it hasn't +any oars or sail." + +It was a tactless remark and the artist made no reply. I did my best to +cover my blunder. + +"I expect the wind blew very hard on their feathers," I said, "and that +drove them along." + +"What colour is the wind?" inquired Priscilla. + +She had me there. I confessed that I did not know. + +"It was a brown wind," she decided, impatient at my lack of resource, and +slapped a wet typhoon of madder on the page. There was no more doubt about +the wind. + +"And is the picture finished now?" I asked her. + +"No, it isn't finished. I haven't drawn the pookin yet." + +The pookin is a confusion in the mind of Priscilla between a pelican and a +toucan, because she saw them both for the first time on the same day. In +this case it consisted of an indigo splodge and a long red bar cutting +right through the brown wind and penetrating deeply into the yellow sun. + +"It had a _very_ long beak," observed Priscilla. + +"It had," I agreed. + +I am no stickler for commonplace colours or conventional shapes in a work +of art, but I do like things to be recognisable; to know, for instance, +when a thing is meant to be a man and when it is meant to be a boat, and +when it is meant to be a pookin and when it is meant to be a sun. The art +of Priscilla seems to me to satisfy this test much better than that of many +of our modern _maestri_. Strictly representational it may not be, but there +are none of your whorls and cylinders and angles and what nots. + +But I also insist that a work of art should appeal to the imagination as +well as to the eye, and there seemed to me details about this picture that +needed clearing up. + +"Where were these men going to, Priscilla?" I asked. + +"They was going to Wurvin," she answered in the tone of a mother who +instructs her child. "And what do you think they was going to do there?" + +"I don't know." + +"They was going to see Auntie Isabel." + +"And what did they do then?" + +"They had dinner," she cried enthusiastically. "And do you know what they +did after dinner?" + +"I don't." + +"They went on the Front to see the fire-escape." + +It seemed to me now that the conception was mellow, rounded and complete. +It had all the haunting mystery and romance of the sea about it. It was +reminiscent of the _Ancient Mariner_. It savoured of the books of Mr. +CONRAD. It reminded me not a little of those strange visitations which come +to quiet watering-places in the novels of Mr. H.G. WELLS. When I thought of +those seven men--one, alas, disembodied--so strangely attired yet so +careful of elementary hygiene, driven by that fierce typhoon, with that +bird of portent in the skies, arriving suddenly with the salt of their +Odyssey upon their brows at the beach of the genteel and respectable Sussex +town, and visiting a perhaps slightly perturbed Auntie Isabel, and +afterwards the fire-escape, I felt that here was the glimpse of the wild +exotic adventure for which the hearts of all of us yearn. It left the +cinema standing. It beat the magazine story to a frazzle. + +"And who is the picture for, Priscilla?" I asked, when I had thoroughly +steeped myself in the atmosphere. + +"It's for you," she said, presenting it with a motley-coloured hand; "it's +for you to take to London town and not to drop it." + +I was careful to do as I was told, because I have a friend who paints +Expressionist pictures, and I wished to deliver it at his studio. It seems +to me that Priscilla, half-unconsciously perhaps, is founding a new school +of art which demands serious study. One might call it, I think, the Pookin +School. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +WHEN CHARL. COMES OVER. + +It is said that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, a prominent citizen of Los Angeles, +Cal., has employed the greater part of the last few days in mopping his +brow, sighing with relief and exclaiming "Gee!" + +Mr. CHAPLIN declares that missing the boat for England recently was the +narrowest escape from death he has ever enjoyed. But for having been thus +providentially prevented from visiting his native land in the company of +Miss MARY PICKFORD and Mr. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS (better known as "MARY" and +"DOUG." respectively) he would have come back to the dear homeland all +unprepared for what would surely have happened to him no less than it +happened to his illustrious colleagues in the film world. + +Since his promised visit to our shores cannot long be delayed, he has +already begun elaborate preparations for travelling in safety. He is +growing a large beard and is learning to walk with his toes turned in. A +number of his teeth will be blackened out during the whole of his European +tour, and his hair will be kept well-ironed and cropped short. + +He has engaged a complete staff of plain-clothes pugilists to travel with +him everywhere and to stand on guard outside his bathroom door. They will +also surround him during meal-times to prevent admirers from grabbing his +food to hand down to their children as heirlooms. + +He is being measured for a complete outfit of holeproof clothing, and his +motor will be a Ford of seventeen thicknesses, with armoured steel windows, +and fitted with first-aid accessories, including liniment, restoratives and +raw steak. His entourage will include a day doctor, a night doctor, a +leading New York surgeon and a squad of stretcher-bearers. + +It has been suggested to him that a further precaution would be not to +advise the Press of the date of his arrival; but that he considers would be +carrying his safety-first measures to a foolish extreme. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STOP-PRESS NEWS. + +_Observant Visitor._ "I SAY--EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR HAT IS KNOCKED IN." + +_Farm Hand._ "WHOI, I'VE KNOWED THAT FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEAR."] + + * * * * * + +A TRAGEDY OF REACTION. + + It was a super-poet of the neo-Georgian kind + Whose fantasies transcended the simple bourgeois mind, + And by their frank transgression of all the ancient rules + Were not exactly suited for use in infant schools. + + But, holding that no rebel should shrink from fratricide, + His gifted brother-Georgians he suddenly defied, + And in a manifesto extremely clear and terse + Announced his firm intention of giving up free verse. + + The range of his reaction may readily be guessed + When I mention that for Browning his devotion he confessed, + Enthroned above the SITWELLS the artless Muse of "BAB," + And said that MARINETTI was not as good as CRABBE. + + At first the manifesto was treated as a joke, + A boyish ebullition that soon would end in smoke; + But when he took to writing in strict and fluent rhyme + His family decided to extirpate the crime. + + Two scientific doctors declared he was insane, + But likely under treatment his reason to regain; + So he's now in an asylum, where he listens at his meals + To a gramophone recital of the choicest bits from _Wheels_. + + * * * * * + +THE RETURN TO WOAD. + + "The bride's mother was handsomely attired in heliotrope stain."-- + _Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Whatever else may be said about Mr. ARTHUR COMPTON-RICKETT as a novelist, +it can at least be urged for him that he displays no undue apprehension of +the too-facile laugh. For example, the humorous possibilities (or perils) +in the plot of _The Shadow of Stephen Wade_ (JENKINS) might well have +daunted a writer of more experience. _Stephen Wade_ was an ancestor, dead +some considerable time before the story opens, and--to quote the old +jest--there was no complaint about a circumstance with which everybody was +well satisfied. The real worry over _Stephen_ was twofold: first, that in +life he had been rightly suspected of being rather more than a bit of a +rip, and secondly that his grandson, _Philip_, the hero of the story, had +what seemed to him good cause for believing that _Stephen's_ more +regrettable tendencies were being repeated in himself. Here, of course, is +a theme capable of infinite varieties of development; the tragedies of +heredity have kept novelists and dramatists busy since fiction began. The +trouble is that, all unconsciously, Mr. COMPTON-RICKETT has given to his +hero's struggles a fatally humorous turn. _Philip's_ initial mistake +appeared to be the supposition that safety could be secured by flight. But +it has been remarked before now that Cupid is winged and doth range. +_Philip_ dashed into the depths of Devonshire, only to discover that even +there farmers have pretty daughters; seeking refuge in the slums he found +that the exchange was one from the frying-pan to the fire. In short, there +was no peace for him, till the destined heroine.... Well, you can now see +whether you are likely to be amused, edified, or bored by a well-meaning +story, told (I should add) with a rather devastating solemnity of style. + + * * * * * + +M. HENRI DOMELIER, the author of _Behind the Scenes at German Headquarters_ +(HURST AND BLACKETT), must also be accounted among the prophets, for he +foretold the invasion of Belgium. Before the War he edited a newspaper in +Charleville, and when the Ardennes had been "inundated by the enemy hordes" +and the local authorities had withdrawn to Rethel, he stayed in Charleville +and acted as Secretary to the Municipal Commission. This organisation was +recognised by the Germans, but to be secretary of it was still a dangerous +post, and M. MAURICE BARRES in eloquent preface tells us of some of the +sufferings that M. DOMELIER had to endure while trying to carry out his +difficult duties. The French who remained in Charleville had more than +ample opportunities of seeing both the EX-KAISER and his eldest son, and M. +DOMELIER writes of them with a pen dipped in gall. No book that I have read +puts before one more poignantly the miseries which the inhabitants of +invaded France had to bear during "the great agony." For the most part they +bore them with a courage beyond all praise; but some few, giving way under +stress of physical suffering or moral temptation, forgot their nationality; +and these M. DOMELIER makes no pretence to spare. I think that even those +of us who have definitely made up our minds regarding the Hun and want to +read no more about him will welcome this book. For if it is primarily an +indictment of Germans and German methods, it is hardly less a tribute to +those who held firm through all their misery and never gave up hope during +the darkest days. + + * * * * * + +I have before now met (in books) heroes who wore dungaree and had as +setting an engineer-shop or a foundry, but never one who equalled _Jim +Robinson_ (HUTCHINSON) in the strictness of his attention to business. +_Jim_ is the managing director of _Cupreouscine, Limited_, a firm which +deals in a wonderful copper alloy which he himself has invented, and the +book tells the story of his long and losing fight against the other +directors, who are all in favour of amalgamation with another and much +larger concern. Sketched in so few words the book's subject sounds +unattractive, but Miss UNA L. SILBERRAD has a genius for making "shop" as +interesting in her novels as it usually is in real life, and _Jim's_ plans +and enterprises and the circuitous ways of the other directors provide +material for quite an exciting story. When I say "other directors," _Mary +Gore_, representing a brother on the board of _Cupreouscine_ and backing +_Jim_ through thick and thin to the limit of her powers, must be excepted. +In spite of her gracious reserve and self-possession, it is plain that +_Mary_ loves the busy managing director; but _Jim's_ feelings are more +difficult to fathom. In fact he is so long in mentioning his passion that +it is quite a relief when, on the last page but one, what publishers call +the "love interest" suddenly strengthens and their engagement is announced, +very suitably and to her entire satisfaction, to the charwoman at the +foundry. + + * * * * * + +_Open the Door_ won the two hundred and fifty pounds prize offered by +Messrs. MELROSE, and without troubling to inquire into the merits of its +rivals I wholeheartedly commend the award. For some curious reason its +length (one hundred and eighty thousand words--no less) is insisted upon by +the publishers, but as a matter of fact Miss CATHERINE CARSWELL'S novel +would have been even more remarkable if it had been of a less generous +bulk. Her style is beyond reproach and she has nothing whatever to learn in +the mysteries of a woman's heart. The principal scenes are placed in +Glasgow, and the _Bannermann_ family are laid stark before us. _Mrs. +Bannermann_ was so intent on the next world that for all practical purposes +she was useless in this. Having been left a widow with two sons and two +daughters, she was incapable of managing the easiest of them, let alone +such an emotional complexity as _Joanna_. It is upon _Joanna_ that Miss +CARSWELL has concentrated her forces; but she is not less happy in her +analysis of the many lovers who fell into the net of this seductive young +woman. Indeed I have not for many a day read a novel of which the +psychology seemed to me to be so thoroughly sound. + + * * * * * + +I hope "Miss M.E. FRANCIS" will take it as a compliment when I say that +_Beck of Beckford_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) should form part of the holiday +equipment of all of us whose brows are not too exalted to enjoy it. In her +unostentatious way Miss FRANCIS knows how to provide ample entertainment, +and she has nothing to learn in point of form. When we are introduced to +the _Becks_ they are proud and poor, having impoverished themselves in the +process of removing a blot from their escutcheon. _Sir John_ is a working +farmer, and _Lady Beck_ does menial duties with an energy that most +servants of to-day would not care to imitate. The apple of their old eyes +is their grandson, _Roger_, and the story turns on his struggle between +pride and love. No true Franciscan need be told that he comes through his +struggle, with flying colours. So quietly and easily does the tale run that +one is apt to overlook the art with which it is told. But the art is there +all the time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Countrywoman_ (_her first glimpse of the sea_). "AIN'T IT +ASTONISHIN', WILLIUM? WHO'D 'AVE THOUGHT THEER COULD BE AS MUCH WATER AS +THAT?" + +_Willium._ "YES; AN' REMEMBER, MARIA, YE ONLY SEE WHAT'S ON TOP."] + + * * * * * + + "You can greet an acquaintance while you are cycling by smiling and + nodding your head or by waving. Which you do depends on the depth of + your acquaintanceship."--_Home Notes._ + +And not, as you might think, on your proficiency as a cyclist. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 7th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16684.txt or 16684.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/8/16684/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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