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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+July 7th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 7th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 12, 2005 [EBook #16684]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+July 7th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Punch Vol. Clix.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOL. CLIX.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIMON.
+
+About a month ago we lost our dog. I can't describe him, although I have
+tried from time to time; but Elaine, my wife, said I should not speak in
+that fashion of a dumb animal. He stands about two hands high, is of a
+reseda-green shade, except when in anger, and has no distinguishing marks
+except the absence of a piece of the right ear, which was carried off by a
+marauding Irish terrier. He answers with a growl to many names, including
+that of Timon. He will also answer to a piece of raw meat, another dog or a
+postman.
+
+I do not know if dogs can be said to have a hobby; if so, Timon's hobby is
+postmen. He studies them closely. In fact I should not be surprised if he
+comes to write a monograph on them some day.
+
+As soon as one of them has daringly passed the entrance gates of Bellevue,
+Timon trots forth like a reception committee to meet him. He studies the
+bunch of communications that the visitor bears in his hand. If they are all
+right--cheques from publishers, editors and missing-heir merchants,
+invitations to tea and tennis or dinner and dominoes, requests for
+autographs--Timon nods and allows the postman to pass unscathed. On the
+other hand, if the collection includes rejected manuscripts, income or
+other tax demand notes, tracts or circulars, then I hear the low growl with
+which Timon customarily goes into action, and the next moment the postman
+is making for the neighbouring county and taking a four-foot gate in his
+stride.
+
+Consequently it is to be anticipated that if the Olympic Games are ever
+held in our neighbourhood the sprint and the hurdles will be simply at the
+mercy of our local post-office. They take no credit for it. It is simply
+practice, they say.
+
+But, to return to the main subject, we have lost Timon. One month has
+passed without his cheery presence at Bellevue. Reckless postmen have made
+themselves free of the front garden and all colour has gone out of life.
+
+We have done everything to win him back. We have inserted numerous
+advertisements in the agony columns of the newspapers: "If this should
+catch the eye of Timon," or "Come back, Timon. All will be forgiven;" but
+apparently we have yet to find his favourite newspaper.
+
+We began with the well-known canine papers, trusting vainly that he might
+happen to glance through them some day when he was a bit bored or hadn't an
+engagement. After that we went through _The Times_, _The Morning Post_
+(he's strongly anti-Bolshevik), _The Daily News_ (his views on vivisection
+are notorious) and other dailies, and then took to the weeklies.
+
+We had strong hopes for a time that _The Meat Trade Review_ would find him.
+Timon is fond of raw meat. But failure again resulted. We have now reached
+_Syren and Shipping_ and _The Ironmongers' Gazette_ and--
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I must stop here to inform you of the glad news. Elaine has just hurried in
+to tell me that Timon has replied and will be back to-morrow.
+
+How did we catch his eye? Well, of course we should have thought of it
+before. It was _The Post Office Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROMANCE OF BOOKMAKING.
+
+A VISIT TO MESSRS. PRYCE UNLTD.
+
+(_With acknowledgments in the right quarter._)
+
+A gigantic commissionaire flings wide the doors for us and, passing
+reverently inside, we are confronted by the magnificent equestrian statue
+of Mr. Bookham Pryce, the founder of the firm. This masterpiece of the
+Post-Cubist School was originally entitled, "Niobe Weeping for her
+Children," but the gifted artist, in recognition of Mr. Pryce's princely
+offer of one thousand guineas for the group, waived his right to the title.
+
+On the left we see the Foreign Department. Here we watch with rapt
+attention the arrival of countless business telegrams from all parts of the
+world. We choose one or two at random and see for ourselves the
+ramifications of Pryce's far-flung booking service. This one from China:
+"Puttee fifty taels Boko Lanchester Cup;" another from distant Siberia,
+emerging from the primeval forests of that wondrous land of the future:
+"Tenbobski Quitter Ebury Handicap." Bets are accepted in all denominations
+from Victory Bonds to the cowrie-shells of West Africa.
+
+Passing up the marble staircase and leaving the Home Department on our
+right we arrive at the Stumer Section. Here a small army of ex-Scotland
+Yard detectives are engaged in dealing with _mala-fide_ commissions--
+attempts on the part of men of straw to make credit bets, or telegrams
+despatched after a race is over.
+
+Where shall we go next? We ask a courteous shopwalker, who in flawless
+English advises us to try the Winter Gardens, where a delightful tea is
+served at a minimum cost. Here, whilst sipping a fragrant cup of Orange
+Pekoe, we can watch the large screen, on which the results of all races are
+flashed within ten seconds of the horses passing the winning-post. At one
+time, in fact, it was nothing unusual for Pryce's to have the results
+posted before the horses had completed the course, but in deference to the
+prejudices of certain purists this practice was abandoned.
+
+Follows a hurried visit to the Library and Museum, where we gaze enthralled
+at the original pair of pigeon-blue trousers with which Mr. Bookham Pryce
+made his sensational _debut_ on the Lincoln course in the spring of 1894.
+We might linger here a moment to muse over the simple beginnings of great
+men, but time is pressing and we are all agog to visit the Bargain
+Basement.
+
+An express lift flashes us downwards in a few seconds and behold we are in
+the midst of rows of counters groaning under bargains that even the New
+Poor can scarce forbear to grasp.
+
+Here, for example, is one-hundred-to-eight offered against Pincushion for
+the Gimcrack Stakes. This wondrous animal's lineage and previous
+performances are carefully tabulated on a card at the side, and,
+remembering the form he showed at Gatwick, one wonders, as the man in the
+street would say, how it is done.
+
+Or look at Tom-tom, which left the others simply standing in a field of
+forty-four at Kempton Park, and carrying eight-stone-seven. Here he has a
+paltry four-pound penalty for the Worcester Welter Handicap, yet one can
+have seven to one about him.
+
+How the House of Pryce can offer such bargains is a mystery to the old
+school of red-necked bookmakers, whose Oxford accent was not pronounced.
+They fail to see what courtesy, urbanity and meat-teas at three shillings
+per head can do in the way of stimulating business.
+
+From the Bargain Basement we wander at will through the remaining
+departments, making inquiries here and there from the expert assistants,
+technically known as laymen, without being once importuned to make a bet.
+
+And when at length, refreshed and pleased with a delightful afternoon, we
+pass again through the portals of the House of Pryce, we make for home,
+confirmed supporters of the modern personal touch, which has transformed a
+drab business into a veritable romance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OPTIMISTIC ADVERTISERS.
+
+    "Will Person who took Gent.'s Trenchcoat by mistake whilst motor-cycle
+    was on fire in ---- Rd., on Wednesday night, please return same."--
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Alec Herd, who went round in 72, and who is one of the old school, was
+    second in the Open Championship no fewer than 28 years ago, and won it
+    as far back as 19042."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+_B.C._, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yesterday was St. Stephen's Day, and, therefore, the patronal festival
+    of the Abbey Church. Hence the choice of the date for the issue of the
+    appeal, though probably not one Englishman in a thousand connects the
+    Abbey with any particular saint."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Well, certainly not this one, though we have heard St. PETER alluded to in
+this connection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE HENLEY REGATTA.
+
+    A remarkable feature of the meeting is the number of ladies rowing, the
+    ten heats for eight-oared boats in the Ladies' Challenge Cup being
+    decided to-day."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Lest the male element should be entirely forgotten, would it not be well to
+call it in future "The Cock-and-henley regatta"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE MARYLAND COMPANY, SQUINTING HOUSE SQUARE.
+
+_Ready to-day. An arresting Novel._
+
+By RIZZIO DARNLEY.
+
+_REINCARNATION; OR, THE TWO MARIES._
+
+With eighteen illustrations on superpulp paramount artcraft vellum.
+
+    "The story is one of the most gripping that I have ever read. I am
+    still suffering from its grippe."--_Lord Thanet in "The Daily
+    Feature."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Also ready to-day. The Book of the Year._
+
+_FROM SCREEN TO THRONE._
+
+By HARRY EGBOLD.
+
+    "I am glad to pay a tribute to the sincerity, intimate knowledge and
+    exalted Quixotry of this extraordinary book. It is the best that has
+    ever been written."--_Lord Thanet in "The Daily Mary."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Novel of the Century._
+
+_THE PERILS OF MAJESTY._
+
+By H. STICKHAM WEED.
+
+In MALLABY-DEELEY cloth, with luminous portraits.
+
+    "It is so rich in plums that I do not recommend anyone to read more
+    than half-a-column at a time. In this way the pleasure and profit can
+    be spread over several weeks. This wonderful book is the product of a
+    brilliant thinker and tender-hearted gentleman. My shelves are full,
+    but I should take down any war-book to make room for this."--_Lord
+    Thanet (third review in "The Douglas Daily Dispatch.")_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Novel of Super-Pathos._
+
+_THE QUEEN'S REST CURE._
+
+By "MR. X."
+
+    "_The Queen's Rest-Cure_ is a greater book than _The Rescue_ by JOSEPH
+    CONRAD, because the sinister thrill of suspense yields to the ever-
+    fresh romance of young love. I have read and re-read it with tears of
+    pure delight, punctuated with shrieks of happy laughter."--_Lord Thanet
+    in "The Maryland Mirror."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_QUOTES AND CHEERIES._
+
+A medium of instruction and enlightenment for literary gents, gentle
+readers and all persons anxious to think about four things at once.
+
+EVERY SATURDAY.
+
+_Mary's Journal of her Trip to England._
+
+The concluding instalment of Mary Queen of Hearts' journal of her trip to
+England appears in the current issue of _Quotes and Cheeries_ under the
+caption of "Squinting House Square Papers." Reference has already been made
+in a preceding instalment to the riots at the Fitz Hotel and the flight of
+the Queen to Wimbledon in a taxi driven by Sir Philip Phibbs, afterwards
+Lord Fountain of Penn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: L'ENFANT TERRIBLE.
+
+YOUNG TURK. "I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR OUR NATIONAL HONOUR."
+
+OLD TURK. "WELL, IF YOU MUST. BUT I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS--
+UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Golfer_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, SANDY? AREN'T YOU GOING TO
+PLAY THIS AFTERNOON?"
+
+_Sandy_. "MAN, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD? I'VE LOST MA BALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH GOES TO THE SALES.
+
+"Are you goin' to the Summer Sales this year, 'm?" inquired Elizabeth,
+suddenly projecting herself on the horizon of my thoughts.
+
+I laid down my pen at once. It is not possible to continue writing if
+Elizabeth desires to make conversation at the same time.
+
+"Certainly I shall, if I hear of a sale of cheap crockery," I replied
+pointedly; "ours badly needs replenishing."
+
+The barbed arrow did not find its mark. It may require a surgical operation
+to get a joke into a Scotsman, but only the medium of some high explosive
+could properly convey a hint to Elizabeth.
+
+"'Oo wants to go to sales to buy things like pots?" asked Elizabeth
+scornfully.
+
+"_People who are always getting their pots broken_," I replied in italics.
+
+"Well, everyone to their tastes," she commented casually. I began to wonder
+if even trinitrotoluol could be ineffective at times. "Wot I mean by sales
+is buyin' clothes," she continued; "bargins, you know."
+
+"Yes, I know," I answered; "I've seen them--in the advertisements. But I
+never secure any."
+
+"Why don't you, then?"
+
+"Because of all the other people, Elizabeth. Those who get the bargains
+seem to have a more dominant nature than mine. They have more grit,
+determination--"
+
+"Sharper elbows is wot you mean," put in Elizabeth. "It's chiefly a matter
+of 'oo pushes 'ardest. My! I love a sale if only for the sake o' the
+scrimmage. A friend o' mine 'oo's been separated from 'er 'usband becos
+they was always fightin' told me she never misses goin' to a sale so that
+she'll be in practice in case 'er and 'er old man make it up again."
+
+"I'm not surprised that I never get any bargains," I commented, "although I
+often long to. Look at the advertisement in this newspaper, for instance.
+Here's a silk jumper which is absurdly cheap. It's a lovely Rose du Barri
+tricot and costs only--"
+
+"'Oo's rose doo barry trick-o when 'e's at 'ome?" inquired Elizabeth.
+
+I translated hurriedly. "I mean it's a pink knitted one. Exactly what I
+want. But what is the use of my even hoping to secure it?"
+
+"I'll get it for you," announced Elizabeth.
+
+"You! But how?"
+
+"I'll go an' wait an hour or two afore the doors open, an' when they do I
+don't 'arf know 'ow to fight my way to the counters. Let me go, m'm. I'd
+reelly like the outin'."
+
+I hesitated, but only for a moment. What could be simpler than sending an
+emissary to use her elbows on my behalf? There was nothing unfair in doing
+that, especially if I undertook the washing-up in her absence.
+
+Elizabeth set out very early on the day of the sale looking enthusiastic.
+I, equally enthusiastic, applied myself to the menial tasks usually
+performed by Elizabeth. We had just finished a lunch of tinned soup, tinned
+fish and tinned fruit (oh, what a blessing is a can-opener in the absence
+of domestics!) when she reappeared. My heart leapt at the sight of a parcel
+in her hand.
+
+"You got it after all!" I exclaimed. O thrice blessed Elizabeth! O most
+excellent domestic! For the battles she had fought that day on my behalf
+she should not go unrewarded.
+
+"I'm longing to try it on," I said as I tore at the outer wrappings.
+
+"Well, I orter say it isn't the one you told me to get," interposed
+Elizabeth.
+
+I paused in unwrapping the parcel, assailed by sudden misgivings. "Isn't
+this the jumper, then?"
+
+"Not that pertickler one. You see, it was like this: there was a great
+'orse of a woman just in front o' me an' I couldn't move ahead of 'er
+no'ow, try as I would. It was a case o' bulk, if you know what I mean, an'
+elbows wasn't no good. An' 'ang me if she wasn't goin' in for that there
+very tricky jumper you wanted! I put up a good fight for it, 'm, I did
+indeed. We both reached it at the same time, got 'old of it together,
+an'--an'--when it gave way at the seams I let 'er 'ave it," said Elizabeth,
+concluding her simple narrative. It sounded convincing enough. I had no
+reason to doubt it at the moment.
+
+"The beast!" I said in the bitterness of my heart. "Is it possible a woman
+could so far forget herself as to behave like that, Elizabeth?"
+
+"But there's no need for you to be disappointed, as I got a jumper for you
+arter all," she continued. She took the final wrappings off the parcel and
+drew out a garment. "There!" she remarked proudly, holding it aloft.
+
+The Old Masters, we are told, discovered the secret of colour, but the
+colour of that jumper should have been kept a secret--it never ought to
+have been allowed to leak out. It was one of those flaming pinks that
+cannot be regarded by the naked eye for any length of time, owing to the
+strain it puts on the delicate optic nerve. Bands of purple finished off
+this Bolshevist creation.
+
+"How dare you ask me to wear that?" I broke out when I had partially
+recovered from the shock.
+
+"Why, wot's wrong with it? You said you wanted a pink tricky one. It's
+pink, isn't it?"
+
+"Yes, it _is_ pink," I admitted faintly.
+
+"An' it's far trickier nor wot the other was."
+
+"You had better keep the jumper for yourself," I said crossly. "No doubt it
+will suit you better than it would me."
+
+She seemed gratified, but not unusually taken aback at my generosity.
+"Well, since you ses it yourself, 'm, p'raps it is more my style. Your
+complexion won't _stand_ as much as mine."
+
+I was pondering on whether this was intended as a compliment or an insult
+when she spoke again.
+
+"I shan't 'arf cut a dash," she murmured as she drifted to the door; "an'
+it might be the means o' bringin' it off this time."
+
+"Bringing what off, Elizabeth?"
+
+"Bringin' my new young man to the point, 'm. You see, 'e do love a bit o'
+colour; _an' I knew 'e wouldn't 'ave liked the rose doo barry trick-o,
+anyhow._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Proprietor_ (_to the rescue of his assistants, who have
+failed to satisfy customer_). "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CAP YOU
+DO WANT?"
+
+_New "Blood."_ "WELL, YE SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS--I'VE BOUGHT A MOTOR-BIKE, AND
+I THOUGHT AS 'OW I'D LIKE A CAP WI' A PEAK AT THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, a General, plain cooking, gas fires, two boys 9 by 5.--South
+    Streatham."--_Local Paper._
+
+Nothing is said of their third dimensions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REMARKABLE COINCIDENCE.
+
+    "To-day is the birthday of Lord Durham and his twin brother, the Hon.
+    F.W. Lambton, both of whom are sixty-five." _Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Prince Arthur is well fitted for the high post to which he has been
+    called. He is the tallest member of the Royal Family."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But it is only fair to his Royal Highness to say that he has other
+qualifications as well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the recent debate on "Doctors and Secrecy":--
+
+    "If you begin to open the door you take away the sheet anchor upon
+    which our professional work is based."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We trust that the speaker mixes his medicines more discreetly than his
+metaphors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON WITH THE DANCE.
+
+I have been to a dance; or rather I have been to a fashionable restaurant
+where dancing is done. I was not invited to a dance--there are very good
+reasons for that; I was invited to dinner. But many of my fellow-guests
+have invested a lot of money in dancing. That is to say, they keep on
+paying dancing-instructors to teach them new tricks; and the dancing-
+instructors, who know their business, keep on inventing new tricks. As soon
+as they have taught everybody a new step they say it is unfashionable and
+invent a new one.
+
+This is all very well from their point of view, but it means that, in order
+to keep up with them and get your money's worth out of the last trick you
+learned, it is necessary during its brief life of respectability to dance
+at every available opportunity. You dance as many nights a week as is
+physically possible; you dance on week-days and you dance on Sundays; you
+begin dancing in the afternoon and you dance during tea in the coffee-rooms
+of expensive restaurants, whirling your precarious way through littered and
+abandoned tea-tables; and at dinner-time you leap up madly before the fish
+and dance like variety artistes in a highly-polished arena before a crowd
+of complete strangers eating their food; or, as if seized with an
+uncontrollable craving for the dance, you fling out after the joint for one
+wild gallop in an outer room, from which you return, perspiring and
+dyspeptic, to the consumption of an ice-pudding, before dashing forth to
+the final orgy at a picture-gallery, where the walls are appropriately
+covered with pictures of barbaric women dressed for the hot weather.
+
+That is what happened at this dinner. As soon as you had started a nice
+conversation with a lady a sort of roaring was heard without; her eyes
+gleamed, her nostrils quivered like a horse planning a gallop, and in the
+middle of one of your best sentences she simply faded away with some
+horrible man at the other end of the table who was probably "the only man
+in London who can do the Double Straddle properly." This went on the whole
+of the meal, and it made connected conversation quite difficult. For my own
+part I went on eating, and when I had properly digested I went out and
+looked at the little victims getting their money's worth.
+
+From the door of the room where the dancing was done a confused uproar
+overflowed, as if several men of powerful physique were banging a number of
+pokers against a number of saucepans, and blowing whistles, and occasional
+catcalls, and now and then beating a drum and several sets of huge cymbals,
+and ceaselessly twanging at innumerable banjoes, and at the same time
+singing in a foreign language, and shouting curses or exhortations or
+street cries, or imitating hunting-calls and the cry of the hyena, or
+uniting suddenly in the war-whoop of some pitiless Sudan tribe.
+
+It was a really terrible noise. It hit you like the back-blast of an
+explosion as you entered the room. There was no distinguishable tune. It
+was simply an enormous noise. But there was a kind of savage rhythm about
+it which made one think immediately of Indians and fierce men and the
+native camps one used to visit at the Earl's Court Exhibition. And this was
+not surprising. For the musicians included one genuine negro and three men
+with their faces blacked; and the noise and the rhythm were the authentic
+music of a negro village in South America, and the words which some genius
+had once set to the noise were an exhortation to go to the place where the
+negroes dwelt.
+
+To judge by their movements, many of the dancers had in fact been there,
+and had carefully studied the best indigenous models. They were doing some
+quite extraordinary things. No two couples were doing quite the same thing
+for more than a few seconds, so that there was an endless variety of
+extraordinary postures. Some of them shuffled secretly along the edge of
+the room, their faces tense, their shoulders swaying like reeds in a light
+wind, their progress almost imperceptible; they did not rotate, they did
+not speak, but sometimes the tremor of a skirt or the slight stirring of a
+patent-leather shoe showed that they were indeed alive and in motion,
+though that motion was as the motion of a glacier, not to be measured in
+minutes or yards.
+
+And some in a kind of fever rushed hither and thither among the thick
+crowd, avoiding disaster with marvellous dexterity; and sometimes they
+revolved slowly and sometimes quickly and sometimes spun giddily round for
+a moment like gyroscopic tops. Then they too would be seized with a kind of
+trance, or it may be with sheer shortness of breath, and hung motionless
+for a little in the centre of the room, while the mad throng jostled and
+flowed about them like the leaves in Autumn round a dead bird.
+
+And some did not revolve at all, but charged straightly up and down; and
+some of these thrust their loves for ever before them, as the Prussians
+thrust the villagers in the face of the enemy, and some for ever navigated
+themselves backwards like moving breakwaters to protect their darlings from
+the precipitate seas.
+
+Some of them kept themselves as upright as possible, swaying slightly like
+willows from the hips, and some of them contorted themselves into strange
+and angular shapes, now leaning perilously forward till they were
+practically lying upon their terrified partners, and now bending sideways
+as a man bends who has water in one ear after bathing. All of them clutched
+each other in a close and intimate manner, but some, as if by separation to
+intensify the joy of their union, or perhaps to secure greater freedom for
+some particularly spacious manoeuvre, would part suddenly in the middle of
+the room and, clinging distantly with their hands, execute a number of
+complicated side-steps in opposite directions, or aim a series of vicious
+kicks at each other, after which they would reunite in a passionate embrace
+and gallop in a frenzy round the room, or fall into a trance or simply fall
+down. If they fell down they lay still for a moment in the fearful
+expectation of death, as men lie who fall under a horse; and then they
+would creep on hands and knees to the wall through the whirling and
+indifferent crowd.
+
+Watching them, you could not tell what any one couple would do next. The
+most placid and dignified among them might at any moment fling a leg out
+behind them and almost kneel in mutual adoration, and then, as if nothing
+unusual had happened, shuffle onward through the press; or, as though some
+electric mechanism had been set in motion, they would suddenly lift a foot
+sideways and stand on one leg. Poised pathetically, as if waiting for the
+happy signal when they might put the other leg down, these men looked very
+sad, and I wished that the Medusa's head might be smuggled somehow into the
+room for their attitudes to be imperishably recorded in cold stone; it
+would have been a valuable addition to modern sculpture.
+
+Upon this whirlpool I embarked with the greatest misgiving and a strange
+young woman clinging to my person. The noise was deafening. The four black
+men were now all shouting at once and playing all their instruments at
+once, working up to the inconceivable uproar of the finale; and all the
+dancers began to dance with a last desperate fury. Bodies buffeted one from
+behind, and while one was yet looking round in apology or anger more bodies
+buffeted one from the flank. It was like swimming in a choppy sea, where
+there is no time to get the last wave out of your mouth before the next one
+hits you.
+
+Close beside us a couple fell down with a great crash. I looked at them
+with concern, but no one else took any notice. On with the dance! Faster
+and faster the black men played. I was dimly aware now that they were
+standing on their chairs, bellowing, and fancied the end must be near. Then
+we were washed into a quiet backwater, in a corner, and from here I
+determined never to issue till the Last Banjo should indeed sound. Here I
+sidled vaguely about for a long time, hoping that I looked like a man
+preparing for some vast culminating feat, a side-step or a buzz or a
+double-Jazz-spin or an ordinary fall down.
+
+The noise suddenly ceased; the four black men had exploded.
+
+"Very good exercise," my partner said.
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_booming his land to inquiring stranger_). "THAT
+THERE LAND BE WORTH DREE HUNDRED POUND AN ACRE IF IT BE WORTH A PENNY, IT
+BE. WERE YOU THINKING O' BUYING AN' SETTLING HERE?"
+
+_Stranger_. "OH, NO. I'M THE NEW TAX-COLLECTOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We published yesterday a protest from an eminent correspondent against
+    the appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin. We understand,
+    nevertheless, that LORD D'ABERNON has been selected for the
+    appointment."--_Times_.
+
+Sir WILLIAM ORPEN is already at work, we understand, on a picture for next
+year's Academy, entitled "David defying the Thunderer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VANISHED GLORY.
+
+(_The Life-tragedy of a Military Wag_.)
+
+  Time was I rocked the crowded tents
+    With laughter loud and hearty,
+  Librettist to the regiment's
+    Diverting concert party;
+  With choice of themes so very small
+    The task was far from tiring;
+  There really was no risk at all
+    Of any joke misfiring.
+
+  I found each gibe at army rules
+    Appreciated fully;
+  I sparkled when describing mules
+    As "embryonic bully,"
+  Or, aided by some hackneyed tune,
+    Increased my easy laurels
+  By stringing verses to impugn
+    The quartermaster's morals.
+
+  And so I vowed on my demob.
+    To shun the retrogression
+  To any sort of office job;
+    I'd jest as a profession
+  And burst upon the world a new
+    Satirical rebuker,
+  Acquiring fame and maybe too
+    A modicum of lucre.
+
+  But vain are all my _jeux de mot_,
+    No lip is loosed in laughter;
+  I send them to the Press, but no
+    Acceptance follows after;
+  And if, as formerly, I try
+    Satiric themes my gibe'll
+  Be certain to be hampered by
+    The common law of libel.
+
+  In short, my hopes begin to fade;
+    The yawning gulf has rent them
+  Twixt finding subjects ready made
+    And having to invent them.
+  Shattered my foolish dreams recede
+    And pass into the distance,
+  And I must search for one in need
+    Of clerical assistance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SOLDIER BREAKS WINDOW AND BOLTS WITH TWO CAKES."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+You can only do this kind of thing with the refreshment-room variety.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For Sceptic Throats use Iodized Throat Tablets."--_Local Paper_.
+
+This distressing complaint is the very reverse of "clergyman's sore
+throat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LADY wishes to Exchange, from 15th July to 15th September, Young
+    Englishman for Young Frenchman."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We fear she is a flirt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE KING'S MESSENGER.
+
+In Paris Geraldine's mother suggested that, as I was paying a visit to
+London, I could bring Geraldine out with me on the return journey. She also
+suggested that I might bring out a new hat for her (Geraldine's mother) at
+the same time. Though being in love neither with Geraldine's mother nor
+with Geraldine's mother's hat I had to take kindly to both, to further my
+dark designs with regard to Geraldine.
+
+In London I inspected the hat, complete in box. It was immediately obvious
+that it and I could never make the journey to Paris together. The sight of
+me carrying a hat-box at the early hour of 8 A.M. on Victoria Station would
+have put Geraldine off. Geraldine is very pretty, but she is like that.
+
+On reflection, the transport of the hat from London to Paris seemed to me
+to be a matter eminently suited to the machinery of our Foreign Office.
+Though the Foreign Officer is as formidable as a Bishop in his own
+cathedral, he is, to those who persist in knowing him personally, a man
+much like oneself, fond of his glass of beer, ready to exchange one good
+turn for another. It happens that I have assisted the F.O. to make peace
+much as I have helped the W.O. to make war. In the sacred precincts I
+reminded my friend of this fact, and impressed upon him that the
+consolidation of the _entente_ between Geraldine and myself was one of the
+most urgent political matters of the day. He was undiplomatic enough to ask
+how he could help ...
+
+I don't want you to lose your awe of Diplomatic Bags, but there have been
+occasions when the Secret and Confidential Despatch consists of little more
+than a personal note from one strong silent man to another, touching on
+such domestic subjects as, say, a relative's hat. It was eventually, if
+arduously, arranged that in this instance the despatch should consist of
+the hat itself ...
+
+My fascinating manner of greeting Geraldine on Victoria Station did not
+betray the fact that I had seen that arch-villain, George Nesbitt,
+installed in our train, looking terribly important. George doesn't want to
+marry any girl; every girl therefore wants to marry George. I managed to
+hustle Geraldine into our carriage and get her locked in without her seeing
+George. But George had seen her, and, not knowing that he doesn't want to
+marry any girl and thinking that he wants to marry every girl, he firmly
+convinced himself (I have no doubt) that he was passionately in love with
+Geraldine as he travelled down to Folkestone in his lonely splendour.
+
+On the Channel boat ... but perhaps it is fairer to all parties to omit
+that part.
+
+At Boulogne I became inextricably mixed up with the Customs' people;
+Geraldine meanwhile got inevitably associated with George Nesbitt. She
+would, of course. Indeed, when at last I scrambled to the Paris train, with
+the cord of my pyjamas trailing from my kit-bag, there was Geraldine
+installed in George's special carriage, very sympathetically studying
+George's passport, wherein all Foreign Powers, great, small and medium-
+sized, were invited in red ink to regard George as It.
+
+George informed me that, being a King's Messenger, he was afraid he dare
+not trust me, as a mere member of the public, to travel in the same
+carriage as the Diplomatic Bag. I said I must stay with them and keep an
+eye on Geraldine. George said that he would do that. In that case, I said,
+I would stay and keep an eye on the Diplomatic Bag. Geraldine being at one
+end of the carriage and the bag being at the other end George could not
+very well keep an eye on both. The possibility of George's eyes wandering
+apart when he was off his guard made a fleeting impression on Geraldine in
+my favour. I stayed.
+
+George then set about to make the most of himself. Geraldine abetted.
+Geraldine is a terror. I became more determined than ever to marry her,
+George and the KING notwithstanding. George however got going. "For a plain
+fellow like myself" (he knows how confoundedly handsome he is) "it has been
+some little satisfaction to be selected as a Special Courier."
+
+I explained the method of selection as I guessed it. "He forced his way
+into the F.O. and in an obsequious tone, which you and I, Geraldine, would
+be ashamed to adopt, begged for the favour of a bag to carry with him. If
+the KING had known about it he would rather have sent his messages by
+post."
+
+"The general public," said George to Geraldine, "is apt to be very noisy
+and tiresome on railway journeys, is it not?"
+
+Geraldine acquiesced. She doesn't often do that, but when she does it is
+extremely pleasant for the acquiescee. I pressed on with my explanation
+desperately. "I can hear poor old George pleading in a broken voice that he
+had to get to Paris and dared not go by himself. So they listened to his
+sad story and gave him a bag to see him through, and it isn't George who is
+taking the bag to Paris, but the bag which is taking George." To prevent
+him arguing I told Geraldine that you can tell a real K.M. by his Silver
+Greyhound badge, which he'll show you if you doubt him, just as you can
+tell a stockbroker by his pearl tie-pin, which you can see for yourself.
+This put George on his mettle.
+
+"To think that to me are entrusted messages which may alter the map of
+Europe and change the history of the world! But I mustn't let my conceit
+run away with me, must I?" Positively I believe Geraldine at that began to
+play with the idea of doing what George said he mustn't let his conceit do.
+Anyhow I had half-an-hour to myself while she listened to the inner
+histories of European Courts and flirted with the Bearer of Despatches. I
+was left gazing at the bag.
+
+There was only one bag, but it was very bulky. The contents were a tight
+fit; something round, about a yard in diameter, about a foot and a half in
+depth.
+
+"Are you looking after this bag of yours properly, George?" I asked. "We
+shall be very angry with you if you go and lose it." Something indefinable
+but intensely important in my tone caught Geraldine's attention.
+
+"That is between me and the F.O.," said George irritably.
+
+"When I was talking to them about it--" said I.
+
+"What have you to do with the Foreign Office?" asked Geraldine.
+
+"Little enough," I said modestly. "I have my own business to see to. But
+the F.O. have always wanted to have something to do with me. So I gave them
+the job of looking after your mother's hat. Had I known that they would
+send it along by any Tom, Dick or George who happened to drop in and offer
+to take the bag--"
+
+George snatched the bag, examined it hastily and then tried to conceal it
+behind his own luggage. But Geraldine knows enough about hats to be able to
+spot a hatbox, when put to it, through all the heavy canvas and all the
+fancy labels in the world. So there was nothing more to be said about it;
+and there was little more to be done about it except for George to go on
+doing special messenger with it. The inner histories died down and, after a
+brief silence, George affected to go to sleep.
+
+I only woke him up once and that was to ask whether he cared to look after
+the rest of my luggage for me.
+
+When we got to Paris I explained to George that I had not meant to hurt his
+feelings; there was no fellow I would more gladly entrust my odd jobs to.
+Indeed Geraldine and I should want him to officiate in a similar capacity
+at the coming ceremony.
+
+A very satisfactory conclusion. I got Geraldine; Geraldine got her full
+deserts--me; and if George had the misfortune to sit on the bag in the
+taxi, what matter? Geraldine had acquiesced; after that who cared what
+Geraldine's mother did, said, thought or wore?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy_. "WHO'S THAT FAT MAN, DAD?"
+
+_Dad_. "DON'T KNOW. HE LOOKS LIKE A PROFITEER."
+
+_Small Boy_. "DON'T YOU THINK HE MUST BE ONE OF THE EXCESS PROFITEERS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Clerk wanted for office work, with an engineering firm, a few
+    miles out of Leeds; also able to cook and serve a luncheon for the
+    principals."--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+If you want a cook nowadays you must employ a little diplomacy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During a discussion on over-crowded motor 'buses a member declared
+    that on one occasion 110 persons were found 'clinging like bees' to a
+    car certified to hold 0."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Some of these might have been accommodated in the bonnet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In Nepal His Highness shot what is believed to be the record tigress.
+    She was a most magnificent specimen, with a total length of 9 feet 7
+    inches--her body alone measuring 9 feet 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._
+
+The record, of course, consisted in the brevity of her two-inch tail.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Smith Minor's Scripture-paper:
+
+    "Abraham was the man who was very keen to go into the land of Israel
+    but he did not obey the word of the Lord, and the Lord's punishment to
+    him was to forbid him to go into this land. There he sat on the heights
+    of Abraham looking down on this land."
+
+And crying "Wolfe, Wolfe!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLDWIRE AND POPPYSEED.
+
+(_A Chinese Poem._)
+
+    I make a bow; and then
+    I seize my brush (or pen)
+  And paint in hues enamel-bright
+  Scenes of Cathay for your delight.
+
+    Two buzzards by a stream,
+    So still that they might seem
+  Part of a carving wrought in bone
+  To decorate a royal throne.
+
+    Two lovers by a mill,
+    A picture sweeter still:
+  Will Chen-ki-Tong in this pursuit
+  Evade Pa-pa's avenging boot?
+
+    Lotus and mirror-lake
+    AEsthetic contact make;
+  No interfering dragon wags
+  His tail across their travelling bags.
+
+    Blue terraces of jade;
+    Sherbet and lemonade
+  Regale the overloaded guests;
+  They loose the buttons on their chests.
+
+    Birds'-nests and shark-fin soup:
+    I join the festive group;
+  My simple spirit merely begs
+  A brace of fifteenth-century eggs.
+
+    Pa-pa with heavy whip
+    Waits near the laden ship.
+  The cloud that hides the ivory moon
+  Is singularly opportune.
+
+    Clamour of gilded gongs
+    And shout of wedding songs.
+  I do not fail to notice that
+  The ophicleides are playing flat.
+
+    Peacock and palanquin,
+    Lacquered without, within.
+  This is the jasmine-scented bride
+  Resting her fairy toes inside.
+
+    Joss-sticks and incense sweet.
+    The perfume of her feet
+  Creates around her paradise.
+  I also find it rather nice.
+
+    A Chinese tale, you know,
+    Works upward from below.
+  The sense of mine is none the worse
+  If taken backward, verse by verse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Frederick ----, 14, was summoned for failing to display a white front
+    light on a bicycle and pleaded guilty.
+
+    Policewoman ---- stated the facts, and was fined 5s."--_Local Paper._
+
+Most discouraging.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Florists by the thousand for cutting. They are also nice for borders
+    round grass-plots, along hedges, round shrubs, etc."--_Dutch Bulb
+    Catalogue_.
+
+We should not dare to treat a British florist like this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bright Beginner_ (_as opponent is serving_). "DOES THE BALL
+COME TO ME NOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"The English comedians are great," Mr. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS is reported to
+have told an interviewer. He has already accepted an invitation, we
+understand, to visit the Law Courts and hear Mr. Justice DARLING ask, "Who
+is MARY PICKFORD?"
+
+* * *
+
+A turkey with four legs has been born in Purley. This attempt to divert
+attention from the visit of Miss MARY PICKFORD seems to have failed
+miserably.
+
+* * *
+
+"The increased wages in the catering trade," says an employer, "will be
+borne by the public." How he came to think out this novel plan is what
+mystifies the man in the street.
+
+* * *
+
+There is one reason, we read, why tea cannot be sold cheaper. If "The
+Profiteer" is not the right answer, it's quite a good guess.
+
+* * *
+
+No burglar seems to visit the houses of the profiteers, says a Labour
+speaker. Perhaps they have a delicacy about dealing with people in the same
+line of business.
+
+* * *
+
+For the seventh successive time, says a news item, there are no prisoners
+for trial at Stamford Quarter Sessions. We can only remind the Court that
+bulldog perseverance is bound to tell in the end.
+
+* * *
+
+It is fairly evident that the Americans fully realised the physical
+impossibility of having American bacon and Prohibition in their own country
+at the same time.
+
+* * *
+
+Western Texas, says a cable message, is being eaten bare by a plague of
+grasshoppers. Before Prohibition set in a little thing like that would
+never have been noticed in Texas.
+
+* * *
+
+Some of the new rich, says a gossip, only wear a suit once. There are
+others like that, only it is a much longer once.
+
+* * *
+
+"A healthy boy's skin should be well tanned after a holiday," says a
+health-culture writer. Surely not, unless he has done something to deserve
+it.
+
+* * *
+
+"But why a Ministry of Mines?" asks a contemporary. The object, of course,
+is to put the deep-level pocket-searching operations of the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER on a national basis.
+
+* * *
+
+Special arrangements have been made for expediting fish traffic on all
+railways. Meanwhile it is to be regretted that, owing to the nation's
+persistent neglect of scientific research, the self-delivering haddock is
+still in the experimental stage.
+
+* * *
+
+New Jersey has a clock with a dial thirty-eight feet across. In any other
+country this would be the largest clock in the world. In America it is just
+a full-size wrist-watch.
+
+* * *
+
+According to a medical writer, hearing can often be restored by a series of
+low explosions. The patient is advised to stand quite close to a man who
+has just received his tailor's bill.
+
+* * *
+
+Baby tortoises are being sold for two-pence-halfpenny each in Kentish Town,
+says a news item. One bricklayer declared that he wouldn't know what to do
+for exercise without his to lead about.
+
+* * *
+
+An extraordinary report reaches us from a village in Essex. It appears that
+in spite of the proximity of several letter-boxes, a water-pump and a
+German machine-gun, a robin has deliberately built its nest in a local
+hedgerow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: I.O.U.
+
+GERMAN DELEGATE (_at Spa Conference_). "WE HAVE NO MONEY; BUT, TO PROVE
+THAT WE ARE ANXIOUS TO PAY YOU BACK, LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH OUR
+BERNHARDI'S NEW BOOK ON THE NEXT WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 28th._--Less than thirty years ago the prophets of ill
+foresaw ruin for the British shipping trade if the dock labourers got their
+"tanner." The "tanner" has now become a florin, and this afternoon the
+Peers passed without a dissentient voice the Second Reading of a Bill to
+enable Port and Harbour authorities to pay it.
+
+They were much more critical over the Increase of Rent Bill, and at the
+instance of Lord MIDLETON defeated by a two to one majority the
+Government's proposal to deprive landlords of the power to evict strikers
+in order to provide accommodation for men willing to work. But the
+Government got a little of their own back on the clause authorising an
+increase of rent on business premises by forty per cent. Lord SALISBURY
+wanted seventy-five per cent. and haughtily refused Lord ASTOR'S sporting
+offer of fifty, but on a division he was beaten by 25 to 23.
+
+In the Commons Sir FREDERICK HALL complained that slate and slack were
+still being supplied to London consumers under the guise and at the price
+of coal. What was the Government going to do about it? Mr. BRIDGEMAN
+replied that control having been removed the Government could do nothing,
+and consumers must find their own remedy--a reply which drove Sir FREDERICK
+into such paroxysms of indignation that the SPEAKER was obliged to
+intervene.
+
+Mr. KILEY'S gloomy vaticinations as to the disastrous effect of the Plumage
+Bill on British commerce met with no encouragement from Sir ROBERT HORNE.
+In his opinion, I gather, our foreign trade is quite safe, and the Bill
+will not knock a feather out of it.
+
+To Viscount CURZON'S inquiry whether the Allies were going to proceed with
+the trial of the EX-KAISER the PRIME MINISTER at first replied that he had
+"nothing to add." On being twitted with his election-pledge he added a good
+deal. When he gave that pledge, it seems, he did not contemplate the
+possibility that Holland would refuse to surrender her guest, and he had no
+intention of using force to compel her. WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, he
+considered, was not worth any more bloodshed. In that case the Government
+would save a good deal of Parliamentary time if they were definitely to
+write him off with their other bad debts.
+
+Among other methods of brightening village life the Ministry of Agriculture
+has lately circulated "rules for the mutual insurance of pigs and cows."
+The intellectual development of our domestic animals evidently proceeds
+apace. We have all heard of the learned pig, but that the cow also should
+be deemed capable of conducting actuarial calculations does, I confess,
+surprise me.
+
+[Illustration: "WHO WAS CHIEF MOURNER?"
+ "I," SAID THE WREN,
+ "I, WEDGWOOD BENN,
+I WAS CHIEF MOURNER." ]
+
+Having heard the latest feat of the Sinn Feiners in kidnapping a British
+General, the House evidently considered that it had better hurry up with
+the Government of Ireland Bill. Clauses 51 to 69 were run through in
+double-quick time. Only on Clause 70, providing for the repeal of the Home
+Rule Act of 1914, did any prolonged debate arise. Captain WEDGWOOD BENN
+pleasantly described this as the only clause in the Bill that was not
+nonsense, and therefore moved its omission. He was answered by the PRIME
+MINISTER, who declared that no Irishman would now be content with the Act
+of 1914, and defended the present Bill on the curious ground that it gave
+Ireland as much self-government as Scotland had ever asked for. Sir EDWARD
+CARSON'S plea that it was a case of "this Bill or an Irish Republic" was
+probably more convincing. In a series of divisions the "Wee Frees" never
+mustered more than seventeen votes. The author of the Act of 1914, Mr.
+ASQUITH, was not present at the obsequies.
+
+_Tuesday, June 29th._--The establishment of a "National home" for the
+Jewish race in Palestine aroused the apprehensions of Lord SYDENHAM and
+other Peers, who feared that the Moslem inhabitants would be exploited by
+the Zionists, and would endeavour to re-establish Turkish rule. Lord CURZON
+did his best to remove these impressions. Authority in Palestine would be
+exercised by Great Britain as the Mandatory Power, and the Zionists would
+not be masters in their "national home," but only a sort of "paying
+guests." The confidence felt in Sir HERBERT SAMUEL'S absolute impartiality
+as between Jews and Arabs was such that a high authority had prophesied
+that within six months the High Commissioner would be equally unpopular
+with both races.
+
+In the Commons Mr. BALDWIN explained that the Inland Revenue Authorities
+were taking all possible steps to collect income-tax in Ireland despite the
+obstacles placed in their way by the local authorities. Whereupon Sir
+MAURICE DOCKRELL, in his richest brogue, summarised the Irish situation as
+follows: "Is not the difficulty that they do not know which horse to back?"
+
+A Bill "to continue temporarily the office of Food Controller" was read a
+first time. The House would, I think, be sorry to part with Mr. MCCURDY,
+whose replies to Questions are often much to the point. He was asked this
+afternoon, for example, to give the salaries of three of his officials, and
+this was his crisp reply: "The Director of Vegetable Supplies serves the
+Ministry without remuneration; the post of Deputy-Director of Vegetable
+Supplies does not exist, and that of Director of Fish Supplies has lapsed."
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW shattered two elaborately-constructed mare's-nests when he
+announced that the appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin was made
+in pursuance of an agreement arrived at in Boulogne on the initiative of
+the French Government, and that Lord D'ABERNON'S name was suggested by the
+FOREIGN SECRETARY. I am not betraying any confidence when I add that it
+will be no part of Lord D'ABERNON'S new duties to establish a Liquor
+Control Board on the Spree.
+
+The Overseas Trade (Credits and Insurance) Bill was skilfully piloted
+through its Second Reading by Mr. BRIDGEMAN. The House was much pleased to
+hear that only nine officials would be required to administer the
+twenty-six millions involved, and that their salaries would not exceed
+seven thousand pounds a year--although two of them were messengers.
+
+But this temporary zeal for economy quickly evaporated when the Pre-War
+Pensions Bill made its appearance. Member after Member got up to urge the
+extension of the Bill to this or that deserving class, until Sir L.
+WORTHINGTON-EVANS pointed out that, if their demands were acceded to, the
+Bill, instead of costing some two millions a year, would involve three or
+four times that amount.
+
+_Wednesday, June 30th._--The Lords discussed, in whispers suitable to the
+occasion, the Official Secrets Bill. As originally drawn it provided that
+any person retaining without lawful authority any official document should
+be guilty of a misdemeanour. But, thanks to the vigilance of Lords BURNHAM
+and RIDDELL, this clause, under which every editor in Fleet Street might
+have found himself in Holloway, was appreciably softened. Even so, the
+pursuit of "stunts" and "scoops" will be a decidedly hazardous occupation.
+
+The Press Lords were again on the alert when the Rents Bill came on, and
+objected to a clause giving the LORD CHANCELLOR power to order proceedings
+under the measure to be held in private. This time the LORD CHANCELLOR was
+less pliant, and plainly suggested that the newspapers were actuated in
+this matter by regard for their circulations. Does he really suppose that
+the disputes of landlords and tenants will supply such popular "copy" as to
+crowd out the confessions of Cabinet Ministers?
+
+[Illustration: HALF MEASURES.
+
+SIR ROBERT HORNE, PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE, AND SIR ERIC GEDDES,
+MINISTER OF TRANSPORT (_speaking together_). "That's a rummy get-up. But
+perhaps he couldn't afford anything better."]
+
+Constant cross-examination on the Amritsar affair, involving the necessity
+of framing polite replies to thinly-veiled suggestions that MONTAGU rhymes
+with O'DWYER, is making the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR INDIA a little restive.
+The tone in which he expressed his hope that the promised debate would not
+be much longer delayed distinctly suggested that his critics would then be
+"for it."
+
+Two days ago the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT expounded in a White Paper his
+elaborate plan for redistributing and co-ordinating the activities of the
+railway companies--the North Eastern excepted--and directing them all from
+an office in Whitehall. By the Ministry of Mines Bill it is proposed to
+treat the mines in much the same way. Sir ERIC GEDDES' scheme has yet to
+run the gauntlet of Parliamentary criticism. Sir ROBERT HORNE'S had its
+baptism of fire this afternoon, and a pretty hot fire it was. Miners like
+Mr. BRACE cursed it because it did not go all the way to Nationalisation;
+coal-owners like Sir CLIFFORD CORY, because it went too far in that
+direction. The voice of the mere consumer, who only wants coal cheap and
+plentiful, was hardly heard. The second reading was carried, but by a
+majority substantially less than the normal.
+
+_Thursday, July 1st._--Unfortunately the House of Lords does not contain a
+representative of Sinn Fein and therefore had no opportunity of learning
+the opinion of the dominant party in Ireland regarding Lord MONTEAGLE'S
+Dominion of Ireland Bill. Other Irish opinion, as expressed by Lords
+DUNRAVEN and KILLANIN, was that it would probably cause the seething pot to
+boil over. Lord ASHBOURNE made sundry observations in Erse, one of which
+was understood to be that "Ireland could afford to wait." The Peers
+generally agreed with him, and, after hearing from the LORD CHANCELLOR that
+of all the Irish proposals he had studied this contained the most elements
+of danger, threw out the Bill without a division.
+
+"A sinecure, whose holder is in receipt of a salary of five thousand pounds
+per annum," was Mr. BONAR LAW'S description of his office as Lord Privy
+Seal. The House rewarded the modesty of its hard-working Leader with
+laughter and cheers. None of his predecessors has excelled him in courtesy
+and assiduity; as regards audibility there is room for improvement. Mr. LAW
+rarely plays to the Gallery; but he might more often speak in its
+direction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE--THAT'S WHAT COMES O' ARGUING ALONG O' YOU; I'VE LAID
+FOUR BRICKS OVER ME THREE 'UNDRED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The funniest game in the world is chicket."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We should like to hear more of this humorous pastime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A daily paper describes the contest at Henley for the "Silver Giblets." It
+is rumoured that the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs has become a
+bimetallist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE EXCEPTIONAL MEN.
+
+"If these men are types, how London has changed!" I said to myself. But can
+they be? I fear not; I fear that "exceptional" is the only word to use. Yet
+it was very remarkable to meet them all on the same day, Friday, June 25th.
+
+The first was on an omnibus. A big man with a grey beard who was alone on
+the seat. Several other seats had only one passenger; the rest--mine among
+them--were full. At Westminster came up a youth and a girl who very
+obviously were lovers. Owing to the disposition of the seats they had to
+separate, the girl subsiding into the place beside the big man immediately
+in front of me. At first he said nothing, and then, just as we were passing
+the scaffolding of the Cenotaph, he did something which proved him to be
+very much out of the common, a creature apart. Reaching across and touching
+the youth on the shoulder, he said, "Let me change places with you. I
+expect you young people would like to sit together."
+
+That was exceptional, you will agree. He was right too; the young people
+did like to sit together. I could see that. And the more the omnibus rocked
+and lurched the more they liked it.
+
+The second exceptional man was a taxi-driver. I wanted to get to a certain
+office before it shut, and there were very few minutes to do it in. The
+driver did his best, but we arrived just too late; the door was locked.
+
+"That's a bit of hard luck," he said. "But they're all so punctual closing
+now. It's the daylight-saving does it. Makes people think of the open-air
+more than they used."
+
+As I finished paying him--no small affair, with all the new supplements--he
+resumed.
+
+"I'm sorry you had the journey for nothing," he said. "It's rough. But
+never mind--have something on Comrade for the Grand Prix" (he pronounced
+"Prix" to rhyme with "fix") "in France on Sunday. I'm told it's the goods.
+Then you won't mind about your bad luck this afternoon. Don't forget--
+Comrade to win and one, two, three."
+
+After this I must revise my opinion of taxi-drivers, which used not to be
+very high: especially as Comrade differed from most racehorses of my
+acquaintance by coming in first.
+
+The third man perhaps was more unexpected than exceptional. His
+unexpectedness took the form not of benevolence but of culture. He is a
+vendor of newspapers. A pleasant old fellow with a smiling weather-beaten
+face, grey moustache and a cloth cap, whom I have known for most of the six
+years during which he has stood every afternoon except Sundays on the kerb
+between a lamp-post and a letter-box at one of London's busiest corners. I
+have bought his papers and referred to the weather all that time, but I
+never talked with him before. Why, I cannot say; I suppose because the hour
+had not struck. On Friday, however, we had a little conversation, all
+growing from the circumstance that while he was counting out change I
+noticed a fat volume protruding from his coat pocket and asked him what it
+was.
+
+It was his reply that qualified him to be numbered among Friday's elect.
+"That book?" he said--"that's _Barchester Towers_."
+
+I asked him if he read much.
+
+He said he loved reading, and particularly stories. MARIE CORELLI, OUIDA,
+he read them all; but TROLLOPE was his favourite. He liked novels in
+series; he liked to come on the same people again.
+
+"But there's another reason," he added, "why I like TROLLOPE. You see we
+were both at the Post Office."
+
+Some day soon I am going to try him with one of Mr. WALKLEY'S criticisms.
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A--AH! D'YOU K--KNOW YOU'RE S--STANDING ON MY FOOT?"
+
+"WELL, WOT YER GOIN' TO DO ABAHT IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article on the Lawn Tennis Championship, purporting to be written
+by Mlle. SUZANNE LENGLEN:--
+
+  "Quelle journees ils etait!"
+  "Mon dieu, comme etait beau!"
+  "C'est le partie le plus dispute."
+  _Sunday Paper._
+
+We can only hope that the Entente is now strong enough to survive even
+these shocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.]
+
+[Illustration: IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRISCILLA PAINTS.
+
+"There was a lot of men in the boat," said Priscilla from behind the table,
+where she sat daubing with little energetic grunts.
+
+"Oh, there were, were there?" I answered from behind _The Times_.
+
+Confident of arousing my enthusiasm in the end, she continued to issue
+tantalising bulletins about the progress of the great work.
+
+"It was an all-colour boat," she told me, "purple and yellow and green."
+
+"A very nice kind of boat too," I agreed.
+
+"And the biggest man of all hadn't got _any_ body at all."
+
+I suggested weakly that perhaps the biggest man of all had left his body
+behind on the table at home. The suggestion was scorned.
+
+"No, he hadn't never had any body at all, _this_ man," she replied. And
+then, as my interest seemed to be flagging again, "They all had _very_ rosy
+faces; and do you know why they had?"
+
+"I don't, I'm sure."
+
+"Because they'd eaten up all their greens."
+
+Vanquished at last, I went over to visit the eupeptic voyagers. Seven in
+all, they stood in their bright boat on a blue sea beneath a round and
+burning sun. Their legs were long and thin, their bodies globular (all save
+one), and their faces large. They were dressed apparently in light pink
+doublets and hose, and on his head each wore a huge purple turban the shape
+of a cottage loaf, surmounted by a ragged plume. They varied greatly in
+stature, but their countenances were all fixed in the same unmeaning stare.
+Take it all in all, it was an eerie and terrible scene.
+
+"I don't quite see how the boat moves along, Priscilla," I said; "it hasn't
+any oars or sail."
+
+It was a tactless remark and the artist made no reply. I did my best to
+cover my blunder.
+
+"I expect the wind blew very hard on their feathers," I said, "and that
+drove them along."
+
+"What colour is the wind?" inquired Priscilla.
+
+She had me there. I confessed that I did not know.
+
+"It was a brown wind," she decided, impatient at my lack of resource, and
+slapped a wet typhoon of madder on the page. There was no more doubt about
+the wind.
+
+"And is the picture finished now?" I asked her.
+
+"No, it isn't finished. I haven't drawn the pookin yet."
+
+The pookin is a confusion in the mind of Priscilla between a pelican and a
+toucan, because she saw them both for the first time on the same day. In
+this case it consisted of an indigo splodge and a long red bar cutting
+right through the brown wind and penetrating deeply into the yellow sun.
+
+"It had a _very_ long beak," observed Priscilla.
+
+"It had," I agreed.
+
+I am no stickler for commonplace colours or conventional shapes in a work
+of art, but I do like things to be recognisable; to know, for instance,
+when a thing is meant to be a man and when it is meant to be a boat, and
+when it is meant to be a pookin and when it is meant to be a sun. The art
+of Priscilla seems to me to satisfy this test much better than that of many
+of our modern _maestri_. Strictly representational it may not be, but there
+are none of your whorls and cylinders and angles and what nots.
+
+But I also insist that a work of art should appeal to the imagination as
+well as to the eye, and there seemed to me details about this picture that
+needed clearing up.
+
+"Where were these men going to, Priscilla?" I asked.
+
+"They was going to Wurvin," she answered in the tone of a mother who
+instructs her child. "And what do you think they was going to do there?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"They was going to see Auntie Isabel."
+
+"And what did they do then?"
+
+"They had dinner," she cried enthusiastically. "And do you know what they
+did after dinner?"
+
+"I don't."
+
+"They went on the Front to see the fire-escape."
+
+It seemed to me now that the conception was mellow, rounded and complete.
+It had all the haunting mystery and romance of the sea about it. It was
+reminiscent of the _Ancient Mariner_. It savoured of the books of Mr.
+CONRAD. It reminded me not a little of those strange visitations which come
+to quiet watering-places in the novels of Mr. H.G. WELLS. When I thought of
+those seven men--one, alas, disembodied--so strangely attired yet so
+careful of elementary hygiene, driven by that fierce typhoon, with that
+bird of portent in the skies, arriving suddenly with the salt of their
+Odyssey upon their brows at the beach of the genteel and respectable Sussex
+town, and visiting a perhaps slightly perturbed Auntie Isabel, and
+afterwards the fire-escape, I felt that here was the glimpse of the wild
+exotic adventure for which the hearts of all of us yearn. It left the
+cinema standing. It beat the magazine story to a frazzle.
+
+"And who is the picture for, Priscilla?" I asked, when I had thoroughly
+steeped myself in the atmosphere.
+
+"It's for you," she said, presenting it with a motley-coloured hand; "it's
+for you to take to London town and not to drop it."
+
+I was careful to do as I was told, because I have a friend who paints
+Expressionist pictures, and I wished to deliver it at his studio. It seems
+to me that Priscilla, half-unconsciously perhaps, is founding a new school
+of art which demands serious study. One might call it, I think, the Pookin
+School.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN CHARL. COMES OVER.
+
+It is said that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, a prominent citizen of Los Angeles,
+Cal., has employed the greater part of the last few days in mopping his
+brow, sighing with relief and exclaiming "Gee!"
+
+Mr. CHAPLIN declares that missing the boat for England recently was the
+narrowest escape from death he has ever enjoyed. But for having been thus
+providentially prevented from visiting his native land in the company of
+Miss MARY PICKFORD and Mr. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS (better known as "MARY" and
+"DOUG." respectively) he would have come back to the dear homeland all
+unprepared for what would surely have happened to him no less than it
+happened to his illustrious colleagues in the film world.
+
+Since his promised visit to our shores cannot long be delayed, he has
+already begun elaborate preparations for travelling in safety. He is
+growing a large beard and is learning to walk with his toes turned in. A
+number of his teeth will be blackened out during the whole of his European
+tour, and his hair will be kept well-ironed and cropped short.
+
+He has engaged a complete staff of plain-clothes pugilists to travel with
+him everywhere and to stand on guard outside his bathroom door. They will
+also surround him during meal-times to prevent admirers from grabbing his
+food to hand down to their children as heirlooms.
+
+He is being measured for a complete outfit of holeproof clothing, and his
+motor will be a Ford of seventeen thicknesses, with armoured steel windows,
+and fitted with first-aid accessories, including liniment, restoratives and
+raw steak. His entourage will include a day doctor, a night doctor, a
+leading New York surgeon and a squad of stretcher-bearers.
+
+It has been suggested to him that a further precaution would be not to
+advise the Press of the date of his arrival; but that he considers would be
+carrying his safety-first measures to a foolish extreme.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STOP-PRESS NEWS.
+
+_Observant Visitor._ "I SAY--EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR HAT IS KNOCKED IN."
+
+_Farm Hand._ "WHOI, I'VE KNOWED THAT FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF REACTION.
+
+  It was a super-poet of the neo-Georgian kind
+  Whose fantasies transcended the simple bourgeois mind,
+  And by their frank transgression of all the ancient rules
+  Were not exactly suited for use in infant schools.
+
+  But, holding that no rebel should shrink from fratricide,
+  His gifted brother-Georgians he suddenly defied,
+  And in a manifesto extremely clear and terse
+  Announced his firm intention of giving up free verse.
+
+  The range of his reaction may readily be guessed
+  When I mention that for Browning his devotion he confessed,
+  Enthroned above the SITWELLS the artless Muse of "BAB,"
+  And said that MARINETTI was not as good as CRABBE.
+
+  At first the manifesto was treated as a joke,
+  A boyish ebullition that soon would end in smoke;
+  But when he took to writing in strict and fluent rhyme
+  His family decided to extirpate the crime.
+
+  Two scientific doctors declared he was insane,
+  But likely under treatment his reason to regain;
+  So he's now in an asylum, where he listens at his meals
+  To a gramophone recital of the choicest bits from _Wheels_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RETURN TO WOAD.
+
+    "The bride's mother was handsomely attired in heliotrope stain."--
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Whatever else may be said about Mr. ARTHUR COMPTON-RICKETT as a novelist,
+it can at least be urged for him that he displays no undue apprehension of
+the too-facile laugh. For example, the humorous possibilities (or perils)
+in the plot of _The Shadow of Stephen Wade_ (JENKINS) might well have
+daunted a writer of more experience. _Stephen Wade_ was an ancestor, dead
+some considerable time before the story opens, and--to quote the old
+jest--there was no complaint about a circumstance with which everybody was
+well satisfied. The real worry over _Stephen_ was twofold: first, that in
+life he had been rightly suspected of being rather more than a bit of a
+rip, and secondly that his grandson, _Philip_, the hero of the story, had
+what seemed to him good cause for believing that _Stephen's_ more
+regrettable tendencies were being repeated in himself. Here, of course, is
+a theme capable of infinite varieties of development; the tragedies of
+heredity have kept novelists and dramatists busy since fiction began. The
+trouble is that, all unconsciously, Mr. COMPTON-RICKETT has given to his
+hero's struggles a fatally humorous turn. _Philip's_ initial mistake
+appeared to be the supposition that safety could be secured by flight. But
+it has been remarked before now that Cupid is winged and doth range.
+_Philip_ dashed into the depths of Devonshire, only to discover that even
+there farmers have pretty daughters; seeking refuge in the slums he found
+that the exchange was one from the frying-pan to the fire. In short, there
+was no peace for him, till the destined heroine.... Well, you can now see
+whether you are likely to be amused, edified, or bored by a well-meaning
+story, told (I should add) with a rather devastating solemnity of style.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+M. HENRI DOMELIER, the author of _Behind the Scenes at German Headquarters_
+(HURST AND BLACKETT), must also be accounted among the prophets, for he
+foretold the invasion of Belgium. Before the War he edited a newspaper in
+Charleville, and when the Ardennes had been "inundated by the enemy hordes"
+and the local authorities had withdrawn to Rethel, he stayed in Charleville
+and acted as Secretary to the Municipal Commission. This organisation was
+recognised by the Germans, but to be secretary of it was still a dangerous
+post, and M. MAURICE BARRES in eloquent preface tells us of some of the
+sufferings that M. DOMELIER had to endure while trying to carry out his
+difficult duties. The French who remained in Charleville had more than
+ample opportunities of seeing both the EX-KAISER and his eldest son, and M.
+DOMELIER writes of them with a pen dipped in gall. No book that I have read
+puts before one more poignantly the miseries which the inhabitants of
+invaded France had to bear during "the great agony." For the most part they
+bore them with a courage beyond all praise; but some few, giving way under
+stress of physical suffering or moral temptation, forgot their nationality;
+and these M. DOMELIER makes no pretence to spare. I think that even those
+of us who have definitely made up our minds regarding the Hun and want to
+read no more about him will welcome this book. For if it is primarily an
+indictment of Germans and German methods, it is hardly less a tribute to
+those who held firm through all their misery and never gave up hope during
+the darkest days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have before now met (in books) heroes who wore dungaree and had as
+setting an engineer-shop or a foundry, but never one who equalled _Jim
+Robinson_ (HUTCHINSON) in the strictness of his attention to business.
+_Jim_ is the managing director of _Cupreouscine, Limited_, a firm which
+deals in a wonderful copper alloy which he himself has invented, and the
+book tells the story of his long and losing fight against the other
+directors, who are all in favour of amalgamation with another and much
+larger concern. Sketched in so few words the book's subject sounds
+unattractive, but Miss UNA L. SILBERRAD has a genius for making "shop" as
+interesting in her novels as it usually is in real life, and _Jim's_ plans
+and enterprises and the circuitous ways of the other directors provide
+material for quite an exciting story. When I say "other directors," _Mary
+Gore_, representing a brother on the board of _Cupreouscine_ and backing
+_Jim_ through thick and thin to the limit of her powers, must be excepted.
+In spite of her gracious reserve and self-possession, it is plain that
+_Mary_ loves the busy managing director; but _Jim's_ feelings are more
+difficult to fathom. In fact he is so long in mentioning his passion that
+it is quite a relief when, on the last page but one, what publishers call
+the "love interest" suddenly strengthens and their engagement is announced,
+very suitably and to her entire satisfaction, to the charwoman at the
+foundry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Open the Door_ won the two hundred and fifty pounds prize offered by
+Messrs. MELROSE, and without troubling to inquire into the merits of its
+rivals I wholeheartedly commend the award. For some curious reason its
+length (one hundred and eighty thousand words--no less) is insisted upon by
+the publishers, but as a matter of fact Miss CATHERINE CARSWELL'S novel
+would have been even more remarkable if it had been of a less generous
+bulk. Her style is beyond reproach and she has nothing whatever to learn in
+the mysteries of a woman's heart. The principal scenes are placed in
+Glasgow, and the _Bannermann_ family are laid stark before us. _Mrs.
+Bannermann_ was so intent on the next world that for all practical purposes
+she was useless in this. Having been left a widow with two sons and two
+daughters, she was incapable of managing the easiest of them, let alone
+such an emotional complexity as _Joanna_. It is upon _Joanna_ that Miss
+CARSWELL has concentrated her forces; but she is not less happy in her
+analysis of the many lovers who fell into the net of this seductive young
+woman. Indeed I have not for many a day read a novel of which the
+psychology seemed to me to be so thoroughly sound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hope "Miss M.E. FRANCIS" will take it as a compliment when I say that
+_Beck of Beckford_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) should form part of the holiday
+equipment of all of us whose brows are not too exalted to enjoy it. In her
+unostentatious way Miss FRANCIS knows how to provide ample entertainment,
+and she has nothing to learn in point of form. When we are introduced to
+the _Becks_ they are proud and poor, having impoverished themselves in the
+process of removing a blot from their escutcheon. _Sir John_ is a working
+farmer, and _Lady Beck_ does menial duties with an energy that most
+servants of to-day would not care to imitate. The apple of their old eyes
+is their grandson, _Roger_, and the story turns on his struggle between
+pride and love. No true Franciscan need be told that he comes through his
+struggle, with flying colours. So quietly and easily does the tale run that
+one is apt to overlook the art with which it is told. But the art is there
+all the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Countrywoman_ (_her first glimpse of the sea_). "AIN'T IT
+ASTONISHIN', WILLIUM? WHO'D 'AVE THOUGHT THEER COULD BE AS MUCH WATER AS
+THAT?"
+
+_Willium._ "YES; AN' REMEMBER, MARIA, YE ONLY SEE WHAT'S ON TOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "You can greet an acquaintance while you are cycling by smiling and
+    nodding your head or by waving. Which you do depends on the depth of
+    your acquaintanceship."--_Home Notes._
+
+And not, as you might think, on your proficiency as a cyclist.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, July 7th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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