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diff --git a/16673.txt b/16673.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d65530f --- /dev/null +++ b/16673.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2075 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 29th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 29th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 8, 2005 [EBook #16673] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +September 29th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +An epidemic of measles is reported in the North. It seems that in these +days of strikes people are either coming out in sympathy or in spots. + +* * * + +The secret of industrial peace, says a sporting paper, is more +entertainment for the masses. We have often wondered what our workers do to +while away the time between strikes. + +* * * + +"The cost of living for working-class families," says Mr. C.A. MCCURDY, the +Food Controller, "will probably increase by 9s. 6d. a week at Christmas." +That is, of course, if Christmas ever comes. + +* * * + +We understand that Dean INGE has been invited to meet the FOOD CONTROLLER, +in order to defend his title. + +* * * + +"Nobody wants a strike," says Mr. BRACE, M.P. We can only suppose therefore +that they must be doing it for the films. + +* * * + +An American artist who wanted to paint a storm at sea is reported to have +been lashed to a mast for four hours. We understand that he eventually +broke away and did it after all. + +* * * + +"What is England's finance coming to?" asks a City editor in a +contemporary. We can only say it isn't coming to us. + +* * * + +In Petrograd the fare for half-an-hour's cab ride is equal to two hundred +pounds in English money at the old rate of exchange. Fortunately in London +one could spend the best part of a day in a taxi-cab for that amount. + +* * * + +"Before washing a flannel suit," says a home journal, "shake it and beat it +severely with a stick." Before doing this, however, it would be just as +well to make sure that the whole of the husband has been removed. + +* * * + +A lion-tamer advertises in a contemporary for a situation. It is reported +that Mr. SMILLIE contemplates engaging him for Sir ROBERT HORNE. + +* * * + +Whatever else happens, somebody says, the public must hang together. But +what does he think we do in a Tube? + +* * * + +"Primroses have been gathered at Welwyn," says _The Evening News_. As even +this seems to have failed we think it is time to drop these attempts to +draw the POET LAUREATE. + +* * * + +Glasgow licensees are being accused of giving short whisky measure. It is +even said that in some extreme cases they paint the whisky on the glass +with a camel-hair brush. + +* * * + +Mice, says Mrs. GREIVE, of Whins, hate the smell of mint. So do lambs. + +* * * + +"Coal strike or no coal strike," says _The Daily Mail_, "the Commercial +Motor Exhibition at Olympia will not be postponed." This is the dogged +spirit that made England what it used to be. + +* * * + +Orpheus of old, an American journal reminds us, could move stones with his +music. We have heard piano-players who could move whole families; but this +was before the house shortage. + +* * * + +The National Association of Dancing Masters has decided to forbid "the +cockroach dive" this year. Our advice to the public in view of this +decision is to go about just as if nothing serious had happened. + +* * * + +A large party of American University students are on a visit to +Switzerland. It is satisfactory to know that the Alps are counted every +morning and all Americans searched before they leave the country. + +* * * + +"The English house would make an ideal home," says an American journal. +Possibly, if people only had one. + +* * * + +Three statues have been stolen in one week from Berlin streets. It is now +suggested that the London police might be taken off duty for one night in +order to give the thief a sporting chance. + +* * * + +It is not true, says an official report, that Scottish troops are being +sent to Ireland. We are pleased to note this indication that the bagpipes +should only be used in cases of great emergency. + +* * * + +"What does the Mexican President stand for?" asks _The New York Globe_. +Probably because the Presidential chair is so thorny. + +* * * + +The Dublin County authorities have decided to release from their asylums +all but the most dangerous lunatics. We are assured that local conditions +in no way justify this discrimination. + +* * * + +A jury of children has been empanelled in Paris to decide which of the toys +exhibited at the Concours Lupine is the most amusing. We understand that at +the time of going to press an indestructible rubber uncle is leading by +several votes. + +* * * + +A burglar arrested in Berlin was taken ill, and while operating upon him +the surgeons found in his stomach six silver spoons, some forks, a number +of screws and a silver nail file. Medical opinion inclines to the theory +that his illness was due to something he had swallowed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MEMBER OF CLUB WHICH IS CLOSED FOR CLEANING ACCEPTS THE +PROFFERED HOSPITALITY OF NEIGHBOUR CLUB.] + + * * * * * + +A FAIR WARNING. + + "REQUIRED.--English Child to play afternoons with French boy ten years; + good retribution."--_Continental Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + + "THE NATIONAL LAYING TEST, 1920-21. + + SECTIONS. + + 1. White Leghorns. + 2. White Wyandottes. + 3. Rhode Island Reds. + 4. Any other Sitting Breeds. + 5. Any other Non-Sitting Breeds. + 6. Championship (any Breed). + 7. Great Eastern Railway Employees." + _Poultry, for the Farmer and Fancier._ + +We shall treat the porters at Liverpool Street with more respect in future. + + * * * * * + +MICHAELMAS AND THE GOOSE. + + (_Lines written under the threat of a Coal-strike_). + + You for whose Mass by immemorial use, + When Autumn enters on his annual cycle, + We offer up the fatted goose + Mid fragrant steam of apple-juice, + Hear our appeal, O Michael! + + Sir, do not try our piety too sore, + Bidding us sacrifice--a wrench how cruel!-- + Her whom we prize all geese before-- + The one that lays that precious ore, + Our priceless daily fuel. + + Her output, as it is, shows want of will + To check the slackness growing rife and rifer; + And it would fall far lower still + (Being, indeed, reduced to _nil_) + If they should go and knife her. + + Yet there are men who press the slaughterers' claim + In sympathetic language, talking loosely; + Among them Mr. GOSLING--shame + That anyone with such a name + Should cackle so ungoosely! + + Not in your honour would that bird be slain + If they should kill her--and the hour is critical-- + But for their own ends, thus to gain + An object palpably profane + (That is to say, political). + + Defend her, Michael! you who smote the crew + Of Satan on the jaw and stopped their bluffing; + So, if you see her safely through, + We'll give you thrice your usual due + Of other geese (with stuffing). + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +BRIDGE CONVENTIONS. + +The game of Auction Bridge may be divided into three species. There is the +one we play at home, the second which we play at the Robinsons', and the +third that is played at the high table at my club. + +The three games are peculiarly distinct, but I have only recently +discovered, at some expense, that each one has its particular conventions. +At home, if I venture a light no-trump, and Joan, sitting on my right, +exclaims well out of turn, "Oh! father," we all know that Joan has the +no-trumper, and the play proceeds accordingly. + +At the Robinsons' it is different. Suppose I make a call of one spade and +the elder hand two hearts, and my partner (let us suppose he is Robinson) +passes, and I say "Two spades," and the elder hand says "Three hearts," and +Robinson bellows "No," I at once realise that it would be extremely +dangerous to call three spades. + +These two typical forms of convention are quite clear and seldom lead to +any misunderstanding. But the high table at the club is different, and, if +I might say so with all diffidence, the conventions there are not so well +defined. In fact they may lead to terrible confusion. I speak with +confidence on this point because I tried them a few days ago. + +Three disconsolate monomaniacs wanted making up, and I, dwelling upon the +strong game I had recently been playing at home, threw precaution to the +winds and made them up. My partner was a stern man with a hard blue eye and +susceptible colouring. After we had cut he informed me that, should he +declare one no-trump, he wished to be taken out into a major suit of five; +also, should he double one no-trump, he required me to declare without fail +my best suit. He was going to tell me some more but somebody interrupted +him. Then we started what appeared to be a very ordinary rubber. + +My partner perhaps was not quite at his best when it was my turn to lead; +at least he never seemed particularly enthusiastic about anything I did +lead, but otherwise--well, I might almost have been at the Robinsons'. Then +suddenly he doubled one no-trump. + +I searched feverishly for my best suit. I had two--four diamonds to the +eight; four hearts to the eight. A small drop of perspiration gathered upon +my brow. Then I saw that, whereas I held the two, three, five of hearts, I +had the two, three, six of diamonds. Breathing a small prayer, I called two +diamonds. This was immediately doubled by the original declarer of +no-trumps. My partner said "No," my other opponent said "No," and I, +thinking it couldn't be worse, switched into my other best suit and made it +two hearts. The doubler passed and I felt the glow of pride which comes to +the successful strategist. This was frozen instantly by my partner's +declaration of two no-trumps. + +If Mr. SMILLIE were suddenly transformed into a Duke I am certain he would +not look so genuinely horror-struck as my partner did when I laid my hand +upon the table. Yet, as I pointed out, it was his own beastly convention, +so I just washed my hands of it and leaned back and watched him hurl forth +his cards as Zeus hurled the thunder-bolts about. + +Then, of course, the other convention had to have its innings. My partner +went one no-trump, and I began to look up my five suit. In the meantime the +next player on the declaring list doubled the no-trump. This was very +confusing. Was he playing my partner's convention and asking _his_ partner +for his best suit? I hesitated; but orders are orders, so, having five +spades to the nine, I declared two spades. My left-hand enemy said "No"; my +partner said "No"; and the doubler--well, he doubled again. This time my +partner, being Dummy, hurled down all his thunder-bolts--thirteen small +ones--at once. When it was all over he explained at some length that he did +not wish ever to be taken out of an opponent's double. I expect this was +another convention he was going to tell me about when he was interrupted in +the overture to the rubber. Anyway he hadn't told me, and I at some slight +cost--five hundred--had nobly carried out his programme. + +When eventually the final blow fell and we, with the aid of the club +secretary, were trying to add up the various columns of figures, the waiter +brought up the evening papers. I seized one and, looking at the chief +events of the day, remarked, "STEVENSON is playing a great game." My late +partner said, "Ah, you're interested in billiards." I admitted the soft +impeachment. "Yes," he said dreamily, "a fine game, billiards; you never +have to play against three opponents." + +I have now definitely decided that playing my 2 handicap game at the +Robinsons' and my plus 1 in the home circle is all the bridge I really care +about. + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Man's original evolution from the anthropoid apes ... becomes a + reasonable hypothesis, especially when we think of the semi-naked + savages who inhabited these islands when Julius Caesar landed on our + shores, and our present Prime Minister."--_Church Family Newspaper._ + + * * * * * + + "The contemplated aerial expedition to the South Pole will start in + October. Aeroplanes and airships will be used, and the object of the + trip is to study magnetic wages."--_Irish Paper._ + +Incidentally it is expected a new altitude record may be achieved. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TARTARIN DANS LES INDES. + +BOTH (_together_). "TIENS! LE TIGRE!" + +[M. CLEMENCEAU has just sailed for India after big game.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Wife (peeved at husband going off to football match on +the anniversary of their wedding-day_). "'AVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT 'APPENED +THIS DAY SEVEN YEARS AGO?" + +_The Husband_. "FORGOTTEN? NOT LIKELY, OLD GIRL. WHY, THAT WAS THE DAY +BOLTON ROVERS BEAT ASTON UNITED FIVE--NOTHING."] + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + + THE SNAIL. + + The life of the snail is a fight against odds, + Though fought without fever or flummox; + You see, he is one of those gasteropods + Which have to proceed on their stomachs. + + Just think how you'd hate to go round on your own, + Especially if it was gummy, + And wherever you travelled you left on a stone + The horrid imprint of your tummy! + + Wherever you hid, by that glutinous trail + Some boring acquaintance would follow; + And this is the bitter complaint of the snail + Who is pestered to death by the swallow. + + But remember, he carries his house on his back, + And that is a wonderful power; + When he goes to the sea he has nothing to pack, + And he cannot be caught in a shower. + + After all there is something attractive in that; + And then he can move in a minute, + And it's something to have such a very small flat + That nobody else can get in it. + + But this is what causes such numbers of snails + To throw themselves into abysses:-- + They are none of them born to be definite males + And none of them definite misses. + + They cannot be certain which one of a pair + Is the Daddy and which is the Mummy; + And that must be even more awful to bear + Than walking about on your tummy. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + "MOTHER OF 13 HAS TRIPLETS."--_Daily Paper._ + +The unlucky age. + + * * * * * + +SEPTEMBER IN MY GARDEN. + +There are few things I find so sorrowful as to sit and smoke and reflect on +the splendid deeds that one might have been doing if one had only had the +chance. The PRIME MINISTER feels like this, I suppose, when he remembers +how unkind people have prevented him from making a land fit for heroes to +live in, and I feel it about my garden. There can be no doubt that my +garden is not fit for heroes to saunter in; the only thing it is fit for is +to throw used matches about in; and there is indeed a certain advantage in +this. Some people's gardens are so tidy that you have to stick all your +used matches very carefully into the mould, with the result that next year +there is a shrubbery of Norwegian pine. + +The untidiness of my garden is due to the fault of the previous tenants. +Nevertheless one can clearly discern through the litter of packing-cases +which completely surrounds the house that there was originally a garden +there. + +I thought something ought to be done about this, so I bought a little book +on gardening, and, turning to September, began to read. + +"September," said the man, "marks the passing of summer and the advent of +autumn, the time of ripening ruddy-faced fruits and the reign of a rich and +gloriously-coloured flora." + +About the first part of this statement I have no observation to make. It is +probably propaganda, subsidised by the Meteorological Office in order to +persuade us that we still have a summer; it has nothing to do with my +present theme. But with regard to the ripening ruddy-faced fruits I should +like to point out that in my garden there are none of these things, because +the previous tenants took them all away when they left. Not a ruddy-faced +fruit remains. As for the rich and gloriously-coloured flora, I lifted the +edges of all the packing-cases in turn and looked for it, but it was not +there either. It should have consisted, I gather, of "gorgeously-coloured +dahlias, gay sunflowers, Michaelmas daisies, gladioli and other autumn +blossoms, adding brightness and gaiety to our flower-garden." + +"Gaiety" seems to be rather a strong point with this author, for a little +further on he says, "The garden should be gay throughout the month with the +following plants," and then follows a list of about a hundred names which +sound like complicated diseases of the internal organs. I cannot mention +them all, but it seems that my garden should be gay throughout with +_Lysimachia clethroides, Kniphofia nobilis_ and _Pyrethrum uliginosum_. It +is not. How anything can be gay with _Pyrethrum uliginosum_ I cannot +imagine. An attitude of reverent sympathy is what I should have expected +the garden to have. But that is what the man says. + +Then there is the greenhouse. "From now onwards," he writes, "the +greenhouse will meet with a more welcome appreciation than it has during +the summer months. The chief plants in flower will be _Lantanas_, +_Campanula pyramidalis_, _Zonal Pelargoniums_," and about twenty more. "Oh, +they will, will they?" I thought, and opened the greenhouse door and looked +in. Against the wall there were two or three mouldering peach-trees, and +all over the roof and floor a riot of green tomatoes, a fruit which even +when it becomes ruddy-faced I do not particularly like. In a single large +pot stood a dissipated cactus, resembling a hedgehog suffering from mange. + +But what was even more bitter to me than all this ruin and desolation was +the thought of the glorious deeds I might have been doing if the garden had +been all right. Phrases from the book kept flashing to my eye. + +"Thoroughly scrub the base and sides of the pots, and see that the +drainage-holes are not sealed with soil." How it thrilled the blood! + +"Damp the floors and staging every morning and afternoon, and see that the +compost is kept uniformly moist." What a fascinating pursuit! + +"Feed the plants once a week with liquid manure." It went like a clarion +call to the heart. + +And here I was condemned to _ennui_ and indolence when I might have been +sitting up all night dosing the _Zonal Pelargoniums_ with hot beef-tea and +taking the temperature of the _Campanula pyramidalis_. Even with the +ruddy-faced fruits there would have been plenty to do. + +"Wooden trays with open lath bottoms made to slide into a framework afford +the best means of storing apples and pears. The ripening of pears may be +accelerated by enclosing them in bran or dry clean sand in a closed tin +box." It did not say how often one was to clean out the cage, nor whether +you put groundsel between the bars. + +I told the man next door of my sorrows. + +"Well, there 's plenty to do," he said. "Get a spade and dig the garden all +over." + +Dig it all over indeed when I ought to be plucking nosegays of _Lysimachia +clethroides_ and _Pyrethrum uliginosum_ to put in my buttonhole! I prefer +to dream my dreams. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "SO IT'S THE CHAUFFEUR THAT'S GOING TO BE THE +LUCKY MAN, MARY? I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE BUTLER WAS THE +FAVOURED ONE." + +_Cook_. "THAT WAS SO, MUM; BUT MR. WILLOUGHBY LET ME SLIP THROUGH HIS +FINGERS."] + + * * * * * + +THE CABMAN AND THE COIN. + +"We must wait a minute or two for Sir Charles," said our hostess. "Everyone +else is here," and she beamed around the room. + +The various _mauvais quart d'heure_ dialogues that this speech had +interrupted were resumed, most of them switching on to the question of +punctuality. And then a cab was heard to stop outside and after a minute or +so, presumably spent in financial transactions, the bell rang and the +knocker knocked. + +"That's Sir Charles," said our hostess; "there he is;" and a few moments +later the guest we all awaited so fervently was in the room, full of +apologies. + +"Never mind why you're late," said our hostess, "I'm sure you couldn't help +it. Now we'll eat," and once again a dozen Londoners fell into ark- +approaching formation and moved towards repletion. + +The party was familiar enough, after certain solvents of speech had been +applied, for conversation to become general; and during the _entree_ we +were all listening to Sir Charles telling the famous story of the eminent +numismatist who, visiting the British Museum, was taken for a thief. By way +of making the narration the more vivid he felt in his pocket for a coin +with which to illustrate the dramatic crisis, when his expression became +suddenly alarmed and fixed. + +"Good heavens!" he said, fumbling nervously all over his clothes, "I've +given it to the cabman. Of all the infernal idiocy! I knew I should. I had +a presentiment that I should get it muddled up with my other money and give +it away." + +"What was it?" he was asked. + +"Was it something very valuable?" + +"Was it a rare coin?" + +Murmurs of sympathy made a low accompaniment. + +"It was a goldmohur," said Sir Charles. "A very beautiful coin of the +Moguls. I keep it as a kind of mascot. I've had it for years, but left it +behind and it reached me from India only this morning. Having come away +without it I sent a cable for it to be forwarded on. And now! It's the +rottenest luck." + +"What was it worth?" our hostess asked. + +"Not very much. Thirty pounds perhaps. But that isn't it. The money is +nothing--it's the sentimental associations that make the loss so serious." + +"Well," said a practical man, "you needn't despair. Ring up Scotland Yard +and ask them the best thing to do." + +"Did you take the cabman's number?" some one asked. + +"Of course he didn't," our hostess replied. "Who ever does a thing like +that?" + +"As a matter of fact," said Sir Charles, "I sometimes do. But this time, of +course, I didn't." He groaned. "No, it's gone for ever. The cabman will see +it's gold and sell it. I wouldn't trust your modern taxi-chauffeur with +anything." + +"If you would feel any happier," said our hostess, "do telephone now." + +"No," said Sir Charles, "no. It's no use. A coin like that would never be +surrendered. It's too interesting; even a cabman would realise that. +Umbrellas they'll take back, of course--umbrellas and bags, but not a +goldmohur. He'll either keep it to show his pals in public-houses or have +it fixed up as a brooch for his wife." + +As Sir Charles finished speaking and once more turned gloomily to his +neglected plate the knocker was heard again to knock, and then one of the +maids approached her mistress and spoke to her in low tones. + +Our hostess brightened. "Now, Sir Charles," she said, "perhaps you'll +revise your opinion of our taxi-drivers. Tell Sir Charles what it is," she +said to the maid. + +"If you please," the maid began, "there's a cabman at the door. He says he +brought a gentleman here and----" Here she faltered. + +"Go on, Robins," said her mistress. + +"If you please, I don't like to," said the girl. "It's so--so----" + +"I should like to hear it exactly," said Sir Charles. + +"Well," said the maid with a burst of courage, "he says there's a gentleman +here who--who bilked him--who passed a piece of bad money on him in the +dark. Here it is," and she handed Sir Charles the goldmohur. "And he says +if he doesn't get an honest shilling in exchange for it he'll have the law +on him." + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +THE KNELL OF THE NAVY. + +Spooner is a remarkable fellow. His duties on board this ship are to fly +once a week off the deck, revolve twice round the masts and sink thankfully +down into the water, where we haul him out by the breeches and hang his +machine up to dry on the fo'c's'le. By performing these duties four times a +month, he leads us to believe he is preparing the way for the ultimate +domination of Air Power. We of the Navy are obsolete, and our hulls are +encrusted with the Harwich barnacle. + +The argument proceeds on these lines: One day there will be another +war--perhaps to-morrow. We of the Navy, coalless and probably by that time +rumless as well, will rush blindly from our harbours, our masts decked with +Jolly Rogers and our sailors convulsed with hornpipe, to seek the enemy. +But, alas, before the ocean spray has wetted our ruby nostrils we shall +find ourselves descended upon from above and bombed promiscuously in the +middle watch. + +It will be all over inside a nautical second. The sky will be black with +hostile aircraft, and there will be lead in the stew and bleeding bodies in +the bilge. Hollow laughter will sound from the bridge, where the Captain +will find the wheel come away in his hand, and the gramophone will revolve +eternally on a jazz rune because no one will be alive to stop it. When all +these things occur we of the Navy will know that our day is past and done. + +Why our Mr. Spooner is such a remarkable fellow is because he can sit deep +in an easy-chair and recite these things without turning a single hair on +his top lip. Of course he realises that the work of the Navy must go +on--until the crash descends. But it is rather unsettling for us. It seems +to give us all a sort of impermanent feeling. Quite naturally we all ask +what is the use of keeping up the log and painting the ship? Why isn't all +the spare energy in the ship bent to polishing up our boat-drill? or why +aren't the people who can afford it encouraged to buy unsinkable +waistcoats? The Admiralty must know all about it if they are still on +speaking terms with the Air Ministry. It's a beastly feeling. + +Yesterday a formation of powerful aeroplanes, which Spooner called the +"Clutching Hand," came out from the land and flew round us, and simply +prodded us with their propellers as we lay defenceless on the water. + +The bogey is undoubtedly spreading. The Admiral came aboard this afternoon +to inspect our new guns. He yawned the whole time in his beard and did not +ask a single question. We suppose he realises that the whole business is +merely a makeshift arrangement for the time being and not worth bothering +about as long as the brass is polished and the guns move up and down +easily. + +Well, as far as we are concerned it only remains for Number One, who has a +brother in the Air Force, to cancel his winter order with Breezes, the +naval tailors, and we shall all go below and pack our trunks and get ready +to hand the ship over to Spooner. If the Navy of the future must be under +water there is no particular reason why we should be there too. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +FASHIONABLE METEOROLOGY FOR MICHAELMAS. BRITISH ISLES: TEMPERATURE, WARM TO +CHILLY (ACCORDING TO TASTE).] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jarvey._ "YE'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE AV YERE ROAD, MICK." + +_Mick._ "SURE THE COUNTRY'S OUR OWN NOW AND WE CAN DHRIVE WHERE WE LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +THE CONSPIRATORS. + +1. + +My Dear Charles,--You continue to ask me what I am doing, and why, and when +I am going to sign the Peace, like everyone else, and return to honest +work. The answer is in the negative. Though I am very fond of peace, I +don't like work. And, as for being honest, I tend rather to politics. Have +I never told you that I take a leading part on the Continent in the great +Class War now raging? And, by the way, has anyone let you know that it is +only a matter of time before the present order of society is closed down, +the rule of the proletariat established and people like Charles set on to +clean the streets or ruthlessly eliminated? + +LENIN began to worry about you as long ago as 1915, and you know what +happens to people when LENIN really starts to worry about them. He wasn't +satisfied that enough violent interest was being taken in you; the mere +Socialists he regarded as far too moderate and genteel. As for their First +and their Second International--he wanted something thoroughgoing, +something with a bit of ginger to it. So at the Zimmerwald Congress on the +5th September of that year all the out-and-outs unanimously declared war to +the knife agin the Government, whatever and wherever the Government might +be. How many long and weary years have you waited, Charles, to be told what +Zimmerwaldianism might be--a religious tendency, a political aspiration, a +valvular disease of the appendix or something to do with motor-cars? Ah, +but that is as nothing to the secrets I am going to let you into, to force +you into, before I have done with you. + +It was not until well into 1918 that I myself began to worry about LENIN. +He had left Switzerland by that time, having got tired of the jodelling +Swiss and their infernally placid mountains. When the revolution broke out +in Russia he felt it was just the thing for him, and his German backers +felt he was just the man for it. So LENIN, whose real name isn't LENIN, +went into partnership with TROTSKY, whose real name isn't TROTSKY, and set +up in business in Moscow. But the thing was too good to be confined to +Russia; an export department was clearly called for. It was when they began +in the "off-licence" trade, in the "jug-and-bottle" business, that they ran +up against your Henry. + +With the view of upheaving Switzerland, LENIN and Co. sent a Legation to +its capital, the principle being, no doubt, that before you cut another +people's throat you must first establish friendly relations. This Legation +arrived in May, 1918, when we were all so occupied with the War, making +returns and indents and things, that it hoped to pass unnoticed. But there +was something about that Legation which caught the eye; it had not the +Foreign Office look about it--smart Homburg hats, washleather gloves, +attache-cases with majestic locks, spats ... there was something missing. +It looked as if it might be so many Anarchists plotting a bomb affair. + +And that's what it was. I suppose you will say I am inventing it when I +tell you that it used to sit round a table, in the basement of an Italian +restaurant, devising schemes for getting rid of people (especially people +like Charles) _en bloc_; that it didn't provide the Italian restaurant- +keeper with as much money as he thought he could do with; that the Italian +restaurant-keeper came round to see us after dark; wouldn't give his name; +came into the room hurriedly; locked the door behind him; whispered "H'st!" +and told us all about it. It requires an Italian to do that sort of thing +properly; but this fellow was better than the best. I couldn't go to a +cinema for months afterwards because it lacked the thrill of real life. + +We were so impressed with his performance that we asked him his trade. He +dropped the sinister, assumed the bashful and told us that he was an +illusionist and juggler before he took to restaurant-keeping and sleuthing. +He juggled four empty ink-pots for our entertainment and made one of them +disappear. Not quite the way to treat a world-revolution; but there! This +was all in the autumn of 1918, when we were naturally a bit above +ourselves. + +Switzerland has four frontiers--German, Austrian, Italian and French. +Lenin's Legation had opened up modestly and without ostentation as becomes +a world's reformer, a distributing office on each one of the four. Somehow +I could never work myself up to be really alarmed at jolly ANNA BALABANOFF, +but I fancy she has done as much harm since as most people achieve here on +earth. Her job was to work into Italy; but in those days, when war +conditions still prevailed, she couldn't do much more than stand on the +shores of the Lake of Lugano and scowl at the opposite side, which is +Italian. Do you remember the lady's photograph in our daily Press? If so +you will agree with me that even that measure was enough to start unrest in +Italy.... + +Charles, my lad, let us break off there and leave you for a week all of a +tremble. In the course of these Sensational Revelations we are going to see +something of the arrangements made for the break-up of the old world, +which, with all its faults, we know we still love. The process of +reconstruction is not yet defined, and will probably not be attempted in +our time. In any case, when things arrive at that stage, there will be no +Charles and, I am still more sorry to say, no Henry. + +Now, whatever you may think about it, I for one am not prepared to be +scrapped and to become part of a dump of oddments waiting instructions for +removal from a Bolshevist Disposals Board. You know what these Disposal +Boards are; one's body might lie out in the rain for years while the +minutes were being passed round the Moscow Departments. I have worried +myself to death about it, and now I am going to worry you. I am going to +make your flesh creep and your blood run cold. No use your telling me you +don't care what is coming along in the future, provided you can be left in +peace for the present. _I shall tap you on the shoulder and shall whisper +into your ear the resolutions passed with regard to you as recently as the +end of July last at Moscow._. I'll make you so nervous that you daren't get +into bed, and, once in bed, daren't get out again. I expect to have you mad +in about three weeks, and even then I shall pass more copies of this paper, +with more revelations in them, through the bars of your asylum window. + +All that for sixpence a week is not expensive, is it, dear Charles? + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHEN YOU SEE A MOON LIKE THAT, THOMPSON, DOESN'T +IT SOMETIMES MAKE YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT SENTIMENTAL?" + +_P.O._ "NO, SIR, I CAN'T SAY IT DO. THE ON'Y TIME I GETS SLOPPY NOW IS WHEN +I'VE 'AD A FEW NICE-LOOKIN' PINTS O' BEER."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "Do not delay. The above coats will last only few hours."--_New Zealand + Star._ + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ---- highly recommends his Butler; left through death."--_Morning + Paper._ + +Should suit SIR OLIVER LODGE. + + * * * * * + + "Black Waler Mare, 15-1, six years off, up to 14 stones, easy paces, + regularly ridden by a lady touched in wind."--_Weekly Paper._ + +This doesn't matter if the mare is all right. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golfer_ (_to old lady who has established herself on the +border of the fairway_). "EXCUSE ME, MADAM, BUT DO YOU KNOW IT IS RATHER +DANGEROUS TO SIT THERE?" + +_Old Lady._ "OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH--BUT I'M SITTING ON A BIT OF MY +NEWSPAPER."] + + * * * * * + +TO JAMES IN THE BATH. + + Without the bolted door at muse I stand, + My restive sponge and towel in my hand. + Thus to await you, Jimmy, is not strange, + But as I wait I mark a woeful change. + Time was when wrathfully I should have heard + Loud jubilation mock my hope deferred; + For who, first in the bathroom, fit and young, + Would, as he washed, refrain from giving tongue, + Nor chant his challenge from the soapy deep, + Inspired by triumph and renewed by sleep? + Then how is this? Here have I waited long, + Yet heard no crash of surf, no snatch of song. + James, I am sad, forgetting to be cold; + Does this decorum mean that we grow old? + I knew you, James, as clamorous in your bath + As porpoises that thresh the ocean-path; + Oh! as you bathed when we were happy boys, + You drowned the taps with inharmonious noise; + Above the turmoil of the lathered wave + How you would bellow ditties of the brave! + How, wilder that the sea-mew, through the foam + Whistle shrill strains that agonised your home. + In the brimmed bath you revelled; all the floor + Was swamped with spindrift; underneath the door + The maddened water gushed, while strong and high + Your piercing top-note staggered passers-by. + But now I hear the running taps alone, + A faint and melancholy monotone; + Or just a gentle swirl when sober hope + Searches the bath's profound to salve the soap. + Sadly I kick the unresponsive door; + Youth, with its blithe ablutions, is no more. + + W.K.H. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +Among the minor charitable organisations of London not the least admirable +and useful is the Santa Claus Home at Highgate, which the two Misses +CHARLES have been administering with such devotion and success since 1891. +Its modest aim is to keep open twenty beds for small children suffering +from hip and spinal disease, and to give them such treatment as will +prevent them becoming hopeless cripples; and this purpose hitherto has been +fulfilled no one can say exactly how, but with help not only from known +friends but mysteriously from the ravens. To-day, however, the high cost of +living has set up a very serious obstacle, and debt and failure seem +inevitable unless five hundred pounds can be collected quickly. Any reader +of _Punch_ moved to bestow alms on as sincere and deserving a a work of +altruism as could be found is urged to send a donation to Miss CHARLES, +Santa Claus Home, Cholmeley Park, Highgate, N.6. + + * * * * * + + "Although its run in the evening bill must necessarily be limited to + two weeks, steps will be taken to remove it to other quarters should it + prove to the taste of the public. _That failing, it will continue to be + given at the ---- Theatre for a series of matinees._"--_Daily Paper._ + +The italics are ours, though it is not really our funeral, as we never go +to matinees. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SALVAGE. + +OLD KING COAL (_to his champion_). "HAVE YOU SAVED THE SITUATION?" + +MR. SMILLIE. "WELL, BETWEEN OURSELVES, I WOULDN'T QUITE SAY THAT; BUT I'M +HOPING TO SAVE MY FACE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETURN FROM THE HOLIDAY. + +"SED REVOCARE GRADUM ... HOC OPUS, HIC LABOR, EST."] + + * * * * * + +THE SHRIMP TEST. + +At last we have an explanation of a good deal of the social and industrial +unrest of recent months. Since April there has been a serious shrimp +shortage. + +How far this is responsible for dissatisfaction among the miners and other +workers it is impossible to say; but in other circles of society this +shrimp shortage has been responsible for much. From golf-courses this +summer has come a stream of complaint that the game is not what it was. +Sportsmen, again, have gone listlessly to their task and have petulantly +wondered why the bags have been so poor. House-parties have been failures. +In many a Grand Stand nerves have gone to pieces. Undoubtedly this grave +news from the North Sea is the explanation. What can one expect when there +are no shrimps for tea? + +For the eating of shrimps is more than a mere assimilation of nourishment, +more even than the consumption of an article of diet which is beneficial to +brain tissues and nerve centres. After all, the oyster or the haddock +serves equally well for those purposes. + +But before one eats a shrimp a certain deftness and delicacy of +manipulation are needed to effect the neat extraction of the creature from +its unpalatable cuticle. Not so with the haddock. + +Shrimp-eating is something more than table deportment; it is a test of +_sangfroid_ and _savoir faire_, qualities so necessary to the welfare of +the nation. The man who can efficiently prepare shrimps for seemly +consumption, chatting brightly the while with his fair neighbour and +showing neither mental nor physical distress, can be relied upon to comport +himself with efficiency whether in commerce or statecraft. + +Watch a man swallow an oyster, and how much more do you know of him after +the operation than you knew before? But put him in a Marchioness's +drawing-room and set a shrimp before him, and the manner in which he +tackles the task will reveal the sort of stuff he is made of. + +The shrimp test is one before which physically strong men have broken down, +while the seemingly weak have displayed amazing fortitude. + +In these days, when it behoves every man among us to be at his best, we +view this famine in shrimps with grave concern, and we trust that the Board +of Agriculture and Fisheries is alive to the significance of this crisis. + + * * * * * + +PUBLISHER'S COLUMN. + + "Colonel Repington's Diary. + + NEW BOOKS. + The Revelation of St. John. + + NEW FICTION. + The Autobiography of Judas Iscariot."--_Scotch Paper._ + +And MARGOT next week. + + * * * * * + +RAINY MORNING. + + As I was walking in the rain + I met a fairy down a lane. + We walked along the road together; + I soon forgot about the weather. + He told me lots of lovely things: + The story that the robin sings, + And where the rabbits go to school, + And how to know a fairy pool, + And what to say and what to do + If bogles ever bother you. + + The flowers peeped from hedgy places + And shook the raindrops from their faces, + And furry creatures all the way + Came popping out and said "Good-day." + But when we reached the little bend + Just where the village houses end + He seemed to slip into the ground, + And when I looked about I found + The rain was suddenly all over + And the sun shining on the clover. + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +PAROCHIAL HUMOUR. + + "CHURCH OUTING.--All arrangements for the outing were made by the Hon. + Sec., and we are grateful to him for a very happy day. A walk to ---- + Church, cricket, tea and a game of bounders formed the programme."-- + _Parish Magazine._ + + * * * * * + + "PRONUNCIATIONS IN THIS PAPER. + + Bona fides ... Boner-fy-dees. + Grasse ... Grar."--_The Children's Newspaper._ + +The idear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enlightened Yokel_ (_explaining the picture in a hoarse +whisper_). "THE BLEW BE THE ZEE, JEM, AN' THE YALLER BE THE CORN, SURE +NUFF. AN' THE BIT O' BROWN IN THE CORNER--BUST ME, THAT MUST BE TH' OL' +GEYSER 'ERSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +MIRIAM'S TWO BABIES. + +That last morning at Easthaven, Miriam, alone of us three, preserved her +equanimity. I had arisen with the lark, having my own things to pack, to +say nothing--though nothing was not the only thing I said--of Billie's pram +and Billie's cot and Billie's bath. I wished afterwards I had let the lark +rise by himself; if I do heavy work before breakfast I always feel a little +depressed ("snappy" is Miriam's crude synonym) for the remainder of the +day. + +As to Billie, his first farewells went off admirably. He blew a kiss to the +lighthouse, that tall friend who had winked at him so jovially night after +night. And it was good to see him hoisted aloft--pale-blue jersey, +goldilocks and small wild-rose face--to hug his favourite fisherman, Mr. +Moy, of the grizzled beard and the twinkling eyes. + +But when the time came for Billie to say good-bye to the beach he refused +point-blank. + +"Billie wants to keep it," he vociferated. + +Miriam, woman-like, was all for compromise. Billie should fill his pail +with pretty pebbles and take them to London in the puffer-train. I +demurred. The fishermen already complained that the south-easterly gales +were scouring their beach away. Moreover, as I explained to Miriam, ere +long it would devolve upon me to carry the dressing-case, Billie himself +and--as likely as not--the deck-chairs and the tea-basket. Why increase my +burdens by a hundredweight or so of Easthaven beach? + +It ended by her admitting I was perfectly right, and--by Billie filling his +pail with pretty pebbles. + +I still had that feeling of depression when we returned to our rooms for an +early luncheon (there's nothing I so detest); after which we discovered +that Miriam thought I had told the man to call for the luggage at 12.45, +while I thought that Miriam had told the man to call for the luggage at +12.45. + +And then we had to change twice, and the trains were crowded, and Miriam +insisted on looking at _The Daily Dressmaker_, and Billie insisted on not +looking at _Mother Goose_. + +At Liverpool Street station I kept my temper in an iron control while +pointing out to quite a number of taxi-men the ease with which Billie's +pram and Billie's cot and Billie's bath could be balanced upon their +vehicles. But the climax came when, Miriam having softened the heart of one +of them, we were held up in a block at Oxford Circus, and Billie, _a +propos_ of nothing, drooped his under lip and broke into a roar-- + +"Billie wants the sea-side! Billie wants Mr. Moy!" + +I suppose Miriam did her best, but he was not to be quieted, and old ladies +in omnibuses peered reproaches at me, the cruel, cruel parent. I frowned +upon Miriam. + +"Will nothing stop the child?" + +"There's a smut on your nose, dear," was all she replied. I rubbed my nose; +I also ground my teeth.... + +I was still wrestling on the pavement with the pram, the cot and the rest +of it, when Billie's cries from within the house suddenly ceased. Had the +poor little chap burst something? I hurried indoors and found him--all +sunshine after showers--seated on the floor with rocking-horse and Noah's +ark and butcher's shop grouped around him. + +"He's quite good now he's got his toys," he assured me, no doubt echoing +something Miriam had just said. + + * * * * * + +I reached my study and collapsed into a chair. What a day! But little by +little, shelf upon shelf, I became aware of the books I had not seen for a +whole month: LAMB, my Elizabethans, a row of STEVENSON. I did not want to +read; it was enough to feast one's eyes on their backs, to take down a +volume and handle it my old green-jacketed BROWNING, for instance. And the +small red MEREDITHS all needed rearranging. + +A little later I turned round to see Miriam standing in the doorway. +Remorse seized me; I put an arm about her, with--"Tired, old thing?" + +She looked down at my books and, half-smiling, she looked up again. + +"He's quite good now he's got his toys," she said, and kissed me. + + * * * * * + +VERY PERSONAL. + +Just to see what it looks like with my name in it, I have been making a +diary of my doings (some real, some imaginary) in the approved language of +the Society and Personal column. + +I am Mr. James Milfly. This is how it looks:-- + +"Yesterday was the fortieth birthday of Mr. James Milfly. He passed it +quietly at the office and at home. No congratulatory messages were received +and no replies will be sent." + +"Among the outgoing passengers on the paddle steamer _Solent Tortoise_, on +Tuesday, was Mr. James Milfly. He returned to the mainland the same +evening, and will be at Southsea four days longer, after which, unless he +can think of an adequate excuse, he will return to town." + +"Mr. James Milfly, who recently sustained a laceration of the finger while +cleaning his safety razor after use, passed another good night. The injured +member is healing satisfactorily, and no further bulletins will be issued." + +"The performance of _The Bibulous Butler_ at the Corinthian Theatre last +night was witnessed by Mr. James Milfly and party, who occupied two seats +in the eighth row of the pit." + +"Mr. James Milfly is a guest for the week-end at Acacia Lodge, Clumpton, +the residence of his old friend, Mr. Albert Purges. Excellent sparrow- +shooting was enjoyed after tea on Saturday in the famous home coverts from +which the lodge derives its title." + +"Among those unable to be present at the Duchess of Dibdale's reception on +Friday was Mr. James Milfly, no invitation having reached him." + +"Mr. James Milfly has been granted his wife's authority to wear on his +watch-chain the bronze medal of the Blimpham Horticultural Society, won by +his exhibit of a very large marrow at the society's recent show." + +"Maria, Mrs. Murdon, is visiting her son-in-law, Mr. James Milfly. Her stay +is likely to be a lengthy one." + +"Mr. James Milfly will spend the greater part of to-morrow in London. No +letters will be forwarded." + +Try this for yourself. You have no idea what a sense of pomp and well-fed +importance it gives you. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kirk Elder._ "MAN, I'M SHOCKED TAE HEAR YOU'RE GAUN TAE GET +MARRIT TAE A LASSIE O' NINETEEN." + +_Angus._ "OCH, SHE'S THE SAME AGE AS MA FIRRST WIFE WHEN I MARRIT _HER_."] + + * * * * * + + "THE WEATHER. + + 'Fair generally: night frosts,' is the forecast for the next 24 + months."--_Provincial Paper._ + +The best news for a long time. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO BRIGHTEN VILLAGE LIFE. + + "The exterior painting of the day school has been completed by the + Vicar, assisted by the caretaker. Their appearance is greatly improved + as a result."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "---- HOTEL DINING-ROOM. + + OPEN TO NON-RESIDENTS WITH ORCHESTRAL ACCOMPANIMENT."--_Jersey Paper._ + +Residents, we understand, need only bring their mouth (and other) organs. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, 'Cello (could reside in if desired)."--_Provincial Paper._ + +The housing problem solved at last. + + * * * * * + +Smith Minor says he would rather be called Smith Secundus. There is a +pleasanter sound about that qualification just now. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"A Night Out." + +Everybody except myself seems to recall the fact that the late farce of +this name, adapted from _L'Hotel du Libre Echange_, ran for five hundred +nights before it expired. Some restorative music has now been applied to it +and the corpse has revived. Indeed there are the usual signs of another +long run. The trouble is that nearly all the cast at the Winter Garden +Theatre seem to think that, if the play is to run, they must run too. They +don't keep still for a moment, because they dare not. Even Mr. LESLIE +HENSON, whose fun would be more effective if he didn't try so hard, feels +that he must be at top pressure all the while with his face and his body +and his words. Yet he could well afford to keep some of his strength in +reserve, for he is a born humourist (in what one might perhaps call the +Golliwog vein). But, whether it is that he underrates his own powers or +that he can't contain himself, he keeps nothing in reserve; and the others, +less gifted, follow his lead. They persist in "pressing," as if they had no +confidence in their audience or their various authors or even themselves. + +One is, of course, used to this with singers in musical comedy, who make a +point of turning the lyrics assigned to them into unintelligible patter. +Perhaps in the present case we lost little by that, though there was one +song (of which I actually heard the words) that seemed to me to contain the +elements of a sound and consoling philosophy. It ran something like this:-- + + For you won't be here and I won't be here + When a hundred years are gone, + But somebody else will be well in the cart* + And the world will still go on. + + * Or, alternatively, soup. + +Mr. LESLIE HENSON, as I have hinted, allowed himself--and us--no rest. His +energy was devastating; he gave the audience so much for their money that +in the retrospect I feel ashamed of not having paid for my seat. One's +taste for him may need acquiring; but, once acquired, there is clearly no +getting away from it. Perhaps his most irresistible moment was when he laid +out six policemen and then meekly surrendered to a female constable who led +him off by the ear. + +Mr. FRED LESLIE (a name to conjure with!) was almost fiercely emphatic in +the part of _Paillard_, and I preferred the relatively quiet methods of Mr. +AUSTIN MELFORD, who did without italics. Mr. RALPH ROBERTS was droll as a +waiter; and it may have been my fault that I found Mr. DAVY BURNABY rather +unfunny in the part of _Matthieu_. + +Of the ladies, two could sing and two, or even three, could act (Miss LILY +ST. JOHN could do both); nearly all had good looks and a few of them were +pleasantly acrobatic. + +The scene of the Hotel Pimlico, with an alleged private sitting-room on one +side, an alleged bedroom on the other, and a hall and staircase in the +middle, was extraordinarily unconvincing. The partition walls came to an +end at quite a long distance from the front; and, with the general company +spreading themselves at large over the whole width of the foreground, it +was very difficult to entertain any illusion of that privacy which is of +the essence of the _cabinet particulier_. I say nothing of the bedroom, +whose tenancy was frankly promiscuous. + +The fun, of course, is old-fashioned; if one may say it of a French farce, +it is Victorian. Apart from a few topical allusions worked in rather +perfunctorily there is scarcely anything said or done that might not have +been said or done in the 'eighties. But for a certain type of Englishman +there is a perennial attraction in feeling that at any moment the +proprieties may be outraged. That they never actually are outraged does not +seem very greatly to affect his pleasure. He can always console himself +with easy conjecture of the wickedness of the original. So there will never +be wanting a public for these _Noctes Parisianae_. + +Let us hope that somehow it all helps to keep the sacred flame of the +Entente burning. _Vive MILLERAND!_ + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +BETTERING THE BANYOROS. + +(_By a Student of Anthropology._) + +Sir JAMES FRAZER'S luminous _resume_ of the investigations of the MACKIE +Expedition amongst the Banyoros has only one defect. He omits all reference +to the subsequent and even more fruitful visit of the Expedition to the +adjoining Noxas tribe, whose manners and customs are of extraordinary +interest. This remarkable race are noted not merely for their addiction to +the dance, but for the kaleidoscopic rapidity with which the dances +themselves are changed from season to season. Only a few years ago the +entire tribe were under the spell of the Ognat, which in turn gave place to +the Tortskof and the Zaj, the last named being an exercise in which violent +contortions of the body were combined with the profoundest melancholy of +facial expression. Curiously enough the musicians who are employed at these +dances are not of indigenous stock, but of a negroid type and are imported +from a distance at high salaries. + +The literary gifts of this singular tribe are on a par with their saltatory +talent, but are at present mainly occupied in the keeping of personal +records, led therein by a chieftainess named Togram, in which the +conversations, peculiarities, complexions and dresses of their friends are +set down and described with ferocious _bonhomie_. The tablets containing +these records are then posted up in conspicuous places of resort, with the +most stimulating and entertaining results. + +It is noteworthy that the ruler of the country is not chosen from the +dancing or Bunihugoro section of the community, but from the powerful Renim +clan, who devote themselves intermittently to the task of providing the +country with fuel. The chieftain wields great power and is regarded with +reverence by his followers, but is in turn expected to devote himself +entirely to their interests, and if he fails to satisfy is promptly +replaced by a more energetic leader. As the great bulk of the community +yield allegiance to an hereditary sovereign of strictly defined powers this +interesting country offers the agreeable spectacle of a state in which the +dulness of constitutional government is happily tempered by the delights of +industrial dictatorship. + + * * * * * + +TO CERTAIN CAUTIOUS PROPHETS. + +(_Suggested by the almost invariable form of the last sentence in the +Weather Report._) + + Ye watchers of the wind and rain, + Forgive me for becoming nettled + By your monotonous refrain: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + When, on a bright and sunlit morn, + I rise refreshed and finely fettled + Your cue is not to cheer but warn: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + They are too rare, these halcyon days, + When earth's a paradise rose-petalled, + For you to chill us with a phrase: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + Too often have I shirked the goal + At which (as Scotsmen say) I ettled, + Discouraged by your words of dole: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + For instance, lately I resigned + A trip to Shetland to be shettled; + Your menace made me change my mind: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + Henceforth I'm going to defy + You and your breed, inert, unmettled, + Who chant that sad Cassandra cry: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + Ay, if I held untrammelled sway + I'd have you bottled up and kettled + Like djinns, until you ceased to say: + "The further outlook is unsettled." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAJOR-GENERAL X AT THE FRONT IN 1918--] + +[Illustration: AND ON THE BRIGHTON ROAD IN 1920.] + + * * * * * + +PIGS. + +"Pigs pays," said Mrs. Pugsley. + +"So I have heard." + +"Pigs always pays; but Pugsley's pigs pays prodigious." + +I rejoiced with her. + +"Took 'em up sudden, he did; and now that interested! You'd never think +that pigs 'ld twine themselves round a man's heart, so to speak, would +you?" + +"No." + +"That's how it is with Willum. Reads nothing but about pigs; they'm his +only joy. In partnership with Uncle Eli over them. First time Uncle Eli +took to anything wholesome in his life. When Willum loses a pig he's that +low that he puts on a black tie. Wonnerful!" + +It was. I knew Willum, otherwise Uncle Billy, and something about his +tastes. I had the pleasure of meeting him on the foreshore that afternoon. +No doubt he was studying pigs; but the title of the book he had in his hand +was _Form at a Glance_. + +"Pig form, I presume," said I politely. + +"Now then, Missie, don't go giving me away. All's lovely at home. Me and +Uncle Eli has clubbed together to buy Bodger's racing tips. Bodger's got +brain. Doing very well, we are. Sure, I can't tell the missus, and she a +Plymouth Rock." + +"Isn't it Plymouth Sister?" + +"Maybe; but I think there's a rock in it somewhere. Anyway we agreed when +we married to keep our purses in the same drawer, and mine's bulging." + +"You are a brave man, Uncle Billy. What about the day she will want to see +your pigs?" + +"A thought that wakes me at night. We keep 'em out in the country, I'd have +you know. There, why take a fence before you come to it? There'll be wisdom +given." + +Apparently there was, but the address from which the wisdom came was +indistinct. + +"Willum," said Mrs. Pugsley one day, "to-morrow I'm coming to see they pigs +of yours; bless their fat sides!" + +"You shall, my tender dear," said Uncle Billy. "Yes, to-morrow noon you'll +see the blessed things." + +Almost at dawn he presented himself at Farmer Dodge's and astonished that +good man by asking to be allowed to hire a few pigs for the day. + +Farmer Dodge scratched his head. + +"Well, I've been asked to loan out most things in my time, but never pigs +before. Where be taking them?" + +"Home." + +"That's a matter of better than two miles. Have 'ee thought of the wear and +tear and the loss of good lard? No, Uncle Billy, I won't fly against the +will of Heaven. If pigs had been meant to go for walks they'd have had legs +according. Their legs hain't for walking; they'm for hams." + +Uncle Billy drew near and explained. Farmer Dodge grinned. + +"To do down your missus? Well, I like a jest as well as any, and to put +females in their place is meat and taties to me; but 'tis a luxury, and +luxury is what you like but can do without." + +In the end Uncle Billy drove a bargain by which he secured the use of six +pigs for a few hours and paid three shillings per pig. For three-and-six he +also hired the help of a boy to drive them; as he remarked, he could have +had more than another pig for that money, but it would be warm work for him +alone. + +The inhabitants of the houses on the terrace of the little sea-side town +where the Pugsleys lived were thrilled at noon by the arrival of a small +herd of swine. The animals looked rather tired but settled down contentedly +in the front-garden of No. 3. + +Mrs. Pugsley, hearing their voices, came to the door. + +"Why, Willum, I was just making ready to come out with you to go and see +them." + +"My tender dear," he said with emotion, "would I let you be taken miles in +this heat to see the finest pigs ever littered? No. 'Tis not for my wife to +go to see pigs, 'tis for pigs to come to see my wife. Here they be. That's +Spion Kop, the big black one--called because 'tis the highest mountain in +America and he's to make the highest price. The pink one is Square Measure, +for he'll eat his own size in meal any day. That's Diadem--no, it's not; +Diadem lost--I should say Diadem's lost to us." Uncle Billy lifted his hat +reverently. "The ginger one is Comrade--a fine name." + +"Why, 'tis a little sow." + +"And what better comrade than a blessed female, my loving dear, and who'd +know that better than me?" + +"Don't you go mixing me up with the pigs, Willum; I won't have it. What's +the name of that perky black one?" + +"Mount Royal," said Uncle Billy. "I'm a KING'S man and like to respect they +set over me. Royal just means one of the KING'S family." + +The parade was dismissed; the herd returned to its home and Uncle Billy +paid the cost of wear and tear. + +He sat smoking that evening in a state of blissful content. All had gone +well; the dreaded black moment was over. Mrs. Pugsley knitted furiously in +silence. + +"Now what might you be turning over in that mind of yours?" asked Uncle +Billy. + +"Pigs." + +"Couldn't do better." + +"And their names. Maybe you won't christen any more until after the +Cesarewitch." + +She folded up her knitting and went to bed, leaving Uncle Billy as if +turned to stone. When he recovered he sought out Uncle Eli and said:-- + +"Eli, she's known all along. She knowed when I was driving they brasted +pigs here in the heat. She's never been took in at all. And that's a woman. +That's what married me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bridegroom_ (_twenty minutes late, excitedly, to Verger_). +"DON'T TELL ME THE THING'S OVER."] + + * * * * * + + "It would be wrong to enter upon political questions in these pages, + but there can be no harm in suggesting that prayer should be made as + much for our rulers at Westminster as for people in Ireland. The + Collect, with certain alterations, for Those at Sea would seem + especially suitable."--_Exeter Diocesan Gazette._ + +Very neatly and clerically put. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Smith_ (_member of bowling club_). "DO YOU KNOW THESE BALLS +COST FIVE GUINEAS EACH?" + +_Jones_ (_golfer_). "BY JOVE! I HOPE YOU DON'T LOSE MANY IN THE 'ROUGH.'"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +Undeniably ours is an age in which fond memory fills not only the heart of +man but the shelves of the circulating libraries to a degree bordering upon +excess. But, let reminiscences be even more frequent than they are, there +would yet remain a welcome for such a book as Mr. W.H. MALLOCK'S attractive +_Memoirs of Life and Literature_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). The reason of this +lies not more in the interest of what is told than in the fact that these +memories have the advantage of being recalled by one who is master of a +singularly engaging pen. Nothing in the book better displays its quality of +charm than the opening chapters, with their picture of an old-world +Devonshire, and in particular the group of related houses in which the +boyhood of the future anti-socialist was so delightfully spent. Gracious +homes have always had a special appeal to the author of _The New Republic_, +as you are here reminded in a score of happy recollections. Then comes +Oxford, and that meeting with SWINBURNE in the Balliol drawing-room that +seems to have been the common experience of memoir-writers. Some +entertaining chapters give a cheerful picture of London life when Mr. +MALLOCK entered it, and Society, still Polite, opened its most exclusive +doors to the young explorer. The rest of the book is devoted to a record of +friendships, travel, an analysis of the writer's literary activities, and a +host of good stories. Perhaps I have just space for one quotation--the +prayer delivered by the local minister in the hall of Ardverike: "God bless +Sir John; God bless also her dear Leddyship; bless the tender youth of the +two young leddies likewise. We also unite in begging Thee to have mercy on +the puir governess." A book of singular fragrance and individuality. + +The Victorians used to talk, perhaps do still, about the lure of the stage; +but I am inclined to suppose this was as nothing beside the lure of the +stage-novel. All our writers apparently feel it, and in most cases their +bones whiten the fields of failure. But amongst those of whom this +certainly cannot be said is Mr. HORACE A. VACHELL, whose new book, _The +Fourth Dimension_ (MURRAY), has both pleased and astonished me by its +freedom from those defects that so often ruin the theatrical story. For one +thing, of course, the explanation of this lies in my sustaining confidence +that I was being handed out the genuine stuff. When a dramatist of Mr. +VACHELL'S experience says that stage-life is thus and thus, well, I have to +believe him. As a fact I seldom read so convincing a word-picture of that +removed and esoteric existence. The title (not too happy) means the world +beyond the theatre, that which so many players count well lost for the +compensations of applause and fame; and the story is of a young and +phenomenally successful actress, _Jess Yeo_, in whom the claims of +domesticity and the love of her dramatist husband are shown in conflict +with the attractions of West-End stardom and photographs in the illustrated +papers. Eventually--but I suppose I can hardly tell that without spoiling +for you what goes before the event. Anyhow, if I admit that the ending did +not inspire me with any sanguine hope of happiness ever after, it at least +put a pleasant finish on an attractive and successful tale. + + * * * * * + +_In the Mountains_ (MACMILLAN) is one of those pleasant books of which the +best review would be a long string of quotations, and that is a very +complimentary thing to say about any novel. Written in diary form, on the +whole successfully, it tells little of doing and much of being, and a great +deal more of feeling than of either. It is scarcely necessary after that to +add that it is discursive. As a matter of fact I found that for me that +half of its charm which did not lie in being whisked off, as it were by +magic, to sit in the sunshine of Switzerland lay in its author's +reflections upon subjects quite unconnected with her story, and as far +apart from each other as LAW'S _Serious Call_ and the effect of different +kinds of underclothing on the outward demeanour of the wearer. From the +human document point of view it is as a picture of the convalescence of a +soul sick with grief that _In the Mountains_ deserves attention. I cannot +imagine that anyone who has ever got well again after sorrow will fail to +recognise its truth. The little mystery and the slender love-story which +hold the discursiveness together are just sufficient but so slight that +they shall not even be hinted at here. For the rest the book is whimsical, +thoughtful, sentimental by turns and, in spite of its tolerance, a shade +superior; with now and then a phrase which left me wondering whether a +blushing cheek would deserve the Garter motto's rebuke; in fact it +resembles more than anything else on earth what the "German garden" of a +certain "Elizabeth" might grow into if she transplanted it to a Swiss +mountain-top. + + * * * * * + +_Peregrine in Love_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a story whose sentimental +title does it considerably less than justice. It gives no indication of +what is really an admirably vivacious comedy of courtship and intrigue, +with a colonial setting that is engagingly novel. Miss C. FOX SMITH seems +to know Victoria and the island of Vancouver with the intimacy of long +affection; her pen-pictures and her idiom are both of them convincingly +genuine. The result for the reader is a twofold interest, half in seeing +what will be to most an unfamiliar place under expert guidance, half in the +briskly moving intrigue supposed to be going on there. I say "supposed," +because, to be frank, Miss FOX SMITH'S story, good fun as it is, hardly +convinces like her setting. You may, for example, feel that you have met +before in fiction the lonely hero who rescues the solitary maiden, his +shipmate, from undesirable society, and falls in love with her, only to +learn that she is voyaging to meet her betrothed. At this point I suppose +most novel-readers would have given fairly long odds against the betrothed +in question keeping the appointment, and I may add that they would have won +their money. Not that _Peregrine_ was going to find the course of his love +run smooth in spite of this; being a hero and a gentleman he had for one +thing to try, and keep on trying, to bring the affianced pair together, and +thus provide the tale with another than its clearly predestined end. Of +course he doesn't succeed, but the attempt furnishes capital entertainment +for everybody concerned, and proves that Mr. Punch's "C.F.S." can write +prose too. + + * * * * * + +The title of _Gold Must be Tried by Fire_ (MACMILLAN) might be called +axiomatic for the precise type of fiction represented by the story. +Because, if gold hadn't to be tried by fire, you might obviously marry the +hero and heroine on the first page and save everybody much trouble and +expense. Mr. RICHARD AUMERLE MAHER, however, knows his job better than +that. True, he marries his heroine early, but to the wrong man, the Labour +leader and crook, _Will Lewis_, who vanishes just before the entrance of +the strong but unsilent hero, only to reappear (under an alias) in time to +get shot in a strike riot. Mr. MAHER'S book comes, as you may already have +guessed, from that great country where they have replaced alcohol by sugar, +and where (perhaps in consequence) heroines of such super-sentimentality as +_Daidie Grattan_ have no terrors for them. Personally I found her and her +exploits on burning ships, besieged mills and the like a trifle sticky. For +the rest you have some interesting details of the workings of the paper +industry; a style that to the unfamiliar eye is at times startling (as +when, on page 282, the hero's head "snapped erect"); and lots and lots of +love. As for the ending, to relieve any apprehensions on your part, let me +quote it. "Taking her swiftly in his arms, he questioned: 'Has the gold +come free from the fire at last, my darling?' 'Gold or dross,' she +whispered as she yielded, 'it is your own.'" _Ah!_ + + * * * * * + +_Love's Triumph_ (METHUEN) is concerned to a great extent with the +development of a raw Kentucky lad into an attractive and resourceful man; +but its chief interest lies rather with his trainer. When _Victor +McCalloway_ arrived in Kentucky and took _Boone Wellver_ under his wing it +became obvious enough that he was bent on reconstructing his own life as +well as moulding _Boone's_. _McCalloway_, when the seal of his past is +broken, turns out to be _Sir Hector Dinwiddie, D.S.O., K.C.B._, a +tradesman's son who was generally believed to have killed himself in Paris. +I must assume that Mr. CHARLES NEVILLE BUCK intended us to recognise in +_Sir Hector_ a certain General whose name acquired a painful notoriety not +so long ago. The reader may form what opinion he likes of the good taste of +all this, but there can be no question that the author has drawn a fine +character. At the outset his style is so jumpy that the story is difficult +to follow, but presently its course grows clearer and I fancy that you will +follow it keenly, as I did, to the end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WORRIES OF THE DARK AGES. + +_Peaceful Knight_ (_who has called to ask his way at a strange castle_). +"OH, CONFOUND IT! I WISH I'D READ THE NOTICE BEFORE I BLEW THE HORN. I +DON'T FEEL A BIT LIKE FIGHTING GIANTS TO-DAY, AND BESIDES I PROMISED TO BE +HOME EARLY FOR DINNER."] + + * * * * * + +STRENUOUS LIFE IN THE WEST. + + "At a charity concert at Clifton recently nearly 200 glass tumblers + disappeared in the course of a week."--_Daily Paper._ + +Very deplorable, of course. Still, towards the end of the sixth consecutive +day would the audience be fully responsible? + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 29th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16673.txt or 16673.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/7/16673/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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