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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John
+Kendrick Bangs, Illustrated by Peter Newell
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat
+       Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades, under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: July 13, 2005  [eBook #16097]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 16097-h.htm or 16097-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/0/9/16097/16097-h/16097-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/0/9/16097/16097-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades,
+under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
+
+by
+
+JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
+
+Illustrated By Peter Newell
+
+New York and London
+Harper & Brothers
+Publishers
+
+1897
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TO
+
+A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ.
+
+WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF
+HIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER
+
+     I.  THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+    II.  THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+   III.  THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+    IV.  ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+     V.  A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+    VI.  A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+   VII.  THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
+
+  VIII.  ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA."
+
+    IX.  CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+     X.  A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+    XI.  MAROONED
+
+   XII.  THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+  "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"
+
+  "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"
+
+  "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"
+
+  "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"
+
+  "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"
+
+  A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE
+
+  MADAME RÉCAMIER HAS A PLAN
+
+  "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"
+
+  "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"
+
+  "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN'
+      PAYABLE IN LONDON'"
+
+  QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER
+
+  "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"
+
+  "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"
+
+  "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK"
+
+  JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP
+
+  SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT
+
+  CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA
+
+  KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS
+      ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER
+
+  "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"
+
+  "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH"
+
+  "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"
+
+  "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE"
+
+  "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS'"
+
+  "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"
+
+
+
+
+THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+
+The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River
+Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its moorings
+and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd,
+aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like
+a thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that the
+Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with
+self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating
+club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of
+circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair
+Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and
+beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered
+desolate.
+
+"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed
+grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank
+of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been
+moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome,
+Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem gone,
+vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the universe!
+Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
+
+"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's
+the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschew
+that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when that
+cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say
+the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, and
+voluntarily at that."
+
+"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight.
+It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
+
+"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted
+Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; I
+can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe
+always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the
+finger."
+
+"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Cæsar, firmly, "therefore we
+are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir
+Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and do
+nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?"
+
+"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All
+things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine
+going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."
+
+"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something
+if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, what
+shall be done first?"
+
+"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the
+matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was
+this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for
+immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various
+favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being
+Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were
+licensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the local
+government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
+
+"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Then
+the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not.
+Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be
+captured at once and made an example of."
+
+"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
+Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have a
+beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to
+the ear of a purist."
+
+"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter.
+"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even part
+his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater
+moment in hand."
+
+"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. I'm
+dry as a fish."
+
+"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish I'd like
+to know is dry?"
+
+"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
+expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and more
+melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
+
+"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now the
+point is, what?"
+
+"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
+Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
+relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa;
+Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have
+North America; and--"
+
+"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.
+Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of ours
+and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
+
+"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
+
+"Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the
+pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?"
+persisted the philosopher.
+
+"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, irritably.
+
+"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in
+asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in Central
+Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it
+through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is the
+work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to
+look for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is in ransacking
+the earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour the
+sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd
+has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for a
+roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other
+purpose for which neither he nor it was designed."
+
+"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting
+upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evident
+interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and excessively
+slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put it
+afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the honor of being a member
+of this association," the stranger continued, "but, like all well-ordered
+shades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at
+the disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish
+our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully
+appropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplate
+removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All the
+evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my
+sole reason for doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a
+seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but a
+boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well
+says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but
+upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world's great
+cities."
+
+[Illustration: "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"]
+
+"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by the
+stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all that he
+had said.
+
+"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the
+purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, for what
+port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat within reach?"
+returned the stranger.
+
+"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the chairman.
+
+"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the House
+Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat itself. They
+were kept in the safe in the hold."
+
+A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
+
+"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan that
+we should know about how fast the House-boat was."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll take
+Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat."
+
+"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger,
+quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it."
+
+"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes upon
+Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of assistance in
+settling that point."
+
+"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?"
+asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir Walter. "We aren't
+preparing for a yacht-race that I know of. Nobody's after a cup, or a
+championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. The
+Captain hasn't taken more than half of mine along with him, but I am
+interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am
+somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthly
+use there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat. It
+strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we
+should suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."
+
+[Illustration: "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"]
+
+"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly,
+"but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest me."
+
+"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That ought
+to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are."
+
+"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water agrees
+with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, however, is that our
+unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are
+confronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive
+fashion. I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and that
+the privileges of the--ah--of the wharf be extended indefinitely to our
+friend on the string-piece."
+
+The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger
+resumed.
+
+"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom
+I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of three hundred
+wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before starting in
+pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the
+purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that we
+should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to
+overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the House-boat can sail
+four knots an hour, to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or other
+nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour."
+
+"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Cæsar.
+
+"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your
+late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon. "Now
+if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very soon
+determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorable
+circumstances."
+
+"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," said
+Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed
+to require. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take the
+liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer
+of the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and
+Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement."
+
+"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir
+Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to admit that
+practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with
+modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward
+and back in six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover
+the same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion
+steamers into the bargain."
+
+"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a flying
+balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until
+every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you on
+every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and
+your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing distance of her five minutes
+after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a
+gale."
+
+"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. "If
+these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the subject that
+is agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them
+confined in the bottomless pit."
+
+"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying to
+assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as the Ark
+was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren's--tub,
+which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursion
+boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub--"
+
+"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.
+
+"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch or
+any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a month," continued Noah,
+ignoring the interruption.
+
+"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher.
+
+"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit,"
+retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."
+
+"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning to
+the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the issue
+between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument--I wish to
+ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in our
+trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish your course in case
+a boat were provided?"
+
+"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.
+
+A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
+
+"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly,
+addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche."
+
+"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing by
+that act a select assortment of diamond rings.
+
+"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd has
+gone to London."
+
+"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?"
+
+"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a cigar.
+
+"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play this is!"
+
+"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; it is
+fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd
+just before he stepped on board the House-boat."
+
+"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of the
+assertion, what does it prove?"
+
+"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as follows.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+
+"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, as
+the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself. "From
+my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked ends
+of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an
+old clay pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of my
+acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even
+including these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my
+mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your
+minds would never become manifest through their agency."
+
+The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compact
+mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were beginning to feel an
+unusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come among them
+unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for
+an instant to listen.
+
+"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub of
+a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your mind?"
+
+"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this one, for
+instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the whole
+story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter
+disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in his
+usual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas."
+
+"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the part
+of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.
+
+"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The marks of
+two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you look closely,"
+said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, "make
+that point evident beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eye-tooth in
+one of his later raids; it was knocked out by a marline-spike which had
+been hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasure-ship he and his
+followers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed.
+The cigar end bears the marks of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus,
+which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth
+between them. It is not likely that there was another man in the pirate's
+crew with teeth exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be
+no doubt that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."
+
+"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and
+fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any
+properly constituted law court this evidence would long since have been
+ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or three hundred
+dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for
+the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the
+floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on 'Cigar Ends
+He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what earthly
+interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by Captain
+Kidd?"
+
+"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereabouts
+of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by trifles, seeming
+trifles, that the greatest detective work is done. My friends Le Coq,
+Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however much
+in other respects our methods may have differed. They left no stone
+unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling,
+uncared for. No more should we in the present instance overlook the
+minutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it
+may appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven in
+the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat
+conspicuously, but which I have never made public, because it involves a
+secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in the
+British Empire. I really believe that mystery was solved easily and at
+once because I happened to remember that the number of my watch was
+86507B. How trivial a thing, and yet how important it was, as the event
+transpired, you will realize when I tell you the incident."
+
+The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous and
+simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up closer, so as
+the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor old
+Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell with a loud splash into the Styx.
+Fortunately, however, one of Charon's pleasure-boats was close at hand,
+and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it,
+wrung out, and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversion
+having subsided, Solomon asked:
+
+"What was the incident of the lost tiara?"
+
+[Illustration: "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"]
+
+"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be
+understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I say,
+the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In life--in the
+mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say
+it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most interesting for purely
+literary purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary to
+go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to advertise
+his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a drum-major and hide
+under a kitchen-table for the purpose of solving a mystery involving the
+abduction of a parlor stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By
+mental concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment
+of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very
+reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real detective
+work into that line of the business with which the stage has familiarized
+the most of us--a line in which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellow
+wig is required of him who pursues it."
+
+"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.
+
+"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned
+Hawkshaw, contemptuously.
+
+"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le Coq,
+knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly have
+discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no
+avail, and merely a useless expense."
+
+"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman proceed,
+with all this conversation going on in the rear?"
+
+Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.
+
+"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara,"
+resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly insignificant
+details alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in that
+instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one
+evening in the early spring of 1894. The London season was at its height.
+Dances, fêtes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full blast,
+when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A
+diamond tiara valued at £50,000 sterling had been stolen from the Duchess
+of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself and every
+individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince
+himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known to
+be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven o'clock at
+night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. I had been
+spending the evening alone in my library making notes for a second volume
+of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on the point of
+going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of my
+servants, hastily entering, informed me of the robbery. I changed my mind
+in respect to my midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for I
+knew that before one o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings
+with reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of
+such magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants
+could fly--"
+
+"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged
+elephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their
+probabilities deep into--"
+
+"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown.
+
+"Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam.
+
+"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson.
+
+"Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great
+honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because they
+could make so much more of it in a given time."
+
+Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these
+antediluvians," he said.
+
+"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are
+inexcusable!"
+
+"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm having
+about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it were a
+serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop;
+but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and for
+all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes to
+warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve months."
+
+"Go on! go on!" cried some.
+
+"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of course.
+
+"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that within an
+hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my hands. It
+would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to say, either the
+person robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the
+diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of self-preservation,
+would endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he should
+have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion of
+the probabilities inclined me to believe that the latter would be the
+case. I reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank.
+She cannot move rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is
+probable that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by
+which she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first
+place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed. He
+must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of her residence,
+who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will issue the
+orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally address
+themselves to me. 'I'll give that side two weeks,' I said. On the other
+hand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of
+security by counting on this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of
+occasionally entering upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own
+volition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime
+that has never been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and
+I pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.
+The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.
+'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It is
+now twelve twenty. He should be here by twelve forty-five. I will wait.'
+And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the
+meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had I
+perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I rose with a smile,
+for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there stood,
+much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was missing. It
+was the Duke of Brokedale himself. It is true he was disguised. His beard
+was powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of
+green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which
+is an unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began:
+
+"'You are Mr.--'
+
+"'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your stolen
+watch. It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses five
+minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not bear any
+inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your son
+Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.'"
+
+"Wonderful!" cried Johnson.
+
+"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. "Such
+penetration strikes me as marvellous."
+
+"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said was
+intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease. The Americans
+present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. I
+merely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by
+letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise. Imagine my surprise,
+however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with
+such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his beard
+was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting down in the chair I had just
+vacated, he quietly remarked:
+
+"'You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know that I had lost my
+watch?'
+
+"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely
+staggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost his
+watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take my
+words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising.
+However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his humor.
+'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of my business. It is the
+detective's place to know everything; and generally, if he reveals the
+machinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions, he is a fool,
+since his method is his secret, and his secret his stock in trade. I do
+not mind telling you, however, that I knew your watch was stolen by your
+anxious glance at my clock, which showed that you wished to know the time.
+Now most rich Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no
+hesitation about showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at
+it, not at my clock.'
+
+"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a
+wonderful man.
+
+"'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added.
+
+"'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren't
+good enough for American babies to chew on,' said I. 'They must have gold
+watches or nothing.'
+
+"'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked.
+
+"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the
+height of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end there,
+and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara. To my
+surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort.
+
+"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is Bunker. I
+_am_ stopping at the Savoy. I _am_ an American. I _was_ rich when I
+arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now that
+I have paid my first week's bill. I _have_ lost my watch; such a watch,
+too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your only mistake was that the
+dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot
+but wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that
+it sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart. The watch has
+no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that I
+want it back, and I will pay £200 for its recovery. I have no clew as to
+who took it. It was numbered--'
+
+"Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch I had
+merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at a raffle.
+My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on the
+instant divine. No one would like to suspect him of having purloined his
+wife's tiara. Why should I not deceive him, and at the same time get rid
+of my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a hundredfold?"
+
+"Good business!" cried Shylock.
+
+The stranger smiled and bowed.
+
+"Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It was
+numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own watch.
+
+"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow more
+marvellous at every step. That was indeed the number. Are you a demon?'
+
+"'No,' I replied. 'Only something of a mind-reader.'
+
+"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a watch that
+I knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive £200 if I found it. It seemed to
+him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view,
+feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch, it could
+not be recovered, and little suspecting that two could play at his little
+game of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist a
+ten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This business
+concluded, he started to go.
+
+"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, with
+all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the expense. 'It
+is a stormy night.'
+
+"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my
+table--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.
+
+"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy would
+reveal the true state of affairs. The mere mention of the word hat brought
+about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew
+ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He then
+nervously removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark running about his
+forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat fitted
+too tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline of
+nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex of the uppermost
+extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that could
+have been made only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved!
+The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me."
+
+A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, and
+even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of such
+genius.
+
+"My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was completely at
+my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it concealed in the lining of
+his hat. I rose and locked the door. My visitor sank with a groan into my
+chair.
+
+"'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the lock.
+
+"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, my
+lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat. I know
+who you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale has
+lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch.
+Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is a
+Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of it
+all is,' I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of
+loaded six-shooters out of my escritoire--'the queer part of it all is
+that I have the watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Hand
+over the bauble, please.'
+
+"'But--' he began.
+
+"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you the
+watch, and you needn't mind the £200; and you must give me the tiara, or
+I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search made of your
+hat. It won't pay you to defy me. Give it up.'
+
+"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara,
+snugly stowed away behind the head-band.
+
+"'You are a great fellow.' said I, as I held the tiara up to the light and
+watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems.
+
+"'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned. 'I was driven to it by
+necessity.'
+
+"'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. I'm
+not going to keep this thing. I'm not married, and so have no use for such
+a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retains
+me to find it, and then I'll find it and get the reward. If you keep
+perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a fashion that you'll never be
+suspected. If, on the other hand, you say a word about to-night's events,
+I'll hand you over to the police.'
+
+"'Humph!' he said. 'You couldn't prove a case against me.'
+
+"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't believe
+it, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs.
+
+"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than to
+come here. I thought you were only a literary success.' And with a
+deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I was
+retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I
+found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the £5000
+reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and
+afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was
+driven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and the
+following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the best
+wishes of the season.
+
+"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental
+concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of the
+pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamond
+mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to my
+mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my conclusions."
+
+"Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm.
+
+"Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf.
+
+The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth a
+bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator tosses
+playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was found
+printed the words:
+
+    ---------------------------
+    |    SHERLOCK HOLMES,     |
+    |      DETECTIVE.         |
+    |                         |
+    |  FERRETING DONE HERE.   |
+    |                         |
+    |    _Plots for Sale._    |
+    ---------------------------
+
+"I think he made a mistake in not taking the £200 for the watch. Such
+carelessness destroys my confidence in him," said Shylock, who was the
+first to recover from the surprise of the revelation.
+
+[Illustration: "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+
+"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers,
+led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled spirits, "after
+this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly necessary for me to
+assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything you may venture to
+suggest. There is still manifest, however, some desire on the part of the
+ever-wise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you deduce that
+Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you hold in your
+hand."
+
+[Illustration: "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"]
+
+"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes, genially. "I
+believe I have already proven that it is the end of Kidd's cigar. The
+marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe how closely it is
+smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his
+teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly have risked the edges of his mustache
+and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very light if
+he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances have smoked it
+that far unless he were passionately addicted to this particular brand of
+the weed. Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it
+was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he
+has gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand-rolled
+Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a real
+popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that is at
+London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of a London hotel.
+If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I should have been able
+definitely to locate the hotel itself. The wrappers unroll to a degree
+that varies perceptibly as between the different hotels. The Metropole
+cigar can be smoked a quarter through before its wrapper gives way; the
+Grand wrapper goes as soon as you light the cigar; whereas the Savoy,
+fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the
+others, and, as a consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most
+people are willing to throw the whole thing away."
+
+"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon.
+
+"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at all.
+Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make you a box."
+
+"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon. "Your logic is
+perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible conclusion that
+Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of these hotels."
+
+"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the
+neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a sneer
+on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence of
+his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so
+wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think of how much more
+refined his profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique
+he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his
+modern prototypes, he will leave his account unpaid, with the result that
+the affair will be put in the hands of the police, under which
+circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the famous police
+headquarters will be the safest hiding-place he can find, as was instanced
+by the remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain
+church-warden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed
+the Penstock Imperial Bank of £1,000,000 in bonds, and, fleeing to London,
+actually joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to
+find himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been
+found had he not crossed my path."
+
+Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane
+words under his breath.
+
+"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le Coq.
+"You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day through all
+eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that."
+
+"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective. "I
+shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this
+visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club
+members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth,
+we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes."
+
+"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery," said
+Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back against
+one of the spiles of the wharf.
+
+"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the House-boat is getting
+farther away."
+
+"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still nursing
+his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his reflections upon the
+speed of the Ark.
+
+"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste slowly; and
+on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and
+Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a week, and if
+we charter the _Flying Dutchman_ to go in pursuit of her we can catch her
+before she gets out of the Styx into the Atlantic."
+
+"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission," suggested
+Munchausen, dryly. "I for one would rather take a state-room in Jonah's
+whale than go aboard the _Flying Dutchman_ again. I made one trip on the
+_Dutchman_, and she's worse than a dory for comfort; furthermore, I don't
+see what good it would do us to charter a boat that can't land oftener
+than once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the
+Cape of Good Hope."
+
+"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But Baron
+Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room aboard of
+her. She doesn't carry second-class passengers. And if I took any stock in
+the idea of a trip on the _Flying Dutchman_ amounting to a seven years'
+exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses for a round trip."
+
+"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes. "This is a
+moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and
+personal preferences for immediate action. I have examined the wake of the
+House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a better
+term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat was making ten
+knots a day. Almost any craft we can find suitably manned ought to be able
+to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what
+boats he has at hand, it would be for the good of all concerned."
+
+"That's a good plan," said Johnson. "Boswell, see if you can find Charon."
+
+"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats
+have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The _Mayflower_ went into dry
+dock last week to be calked up; the _Pinta_ and the _Santa Maria_ are slow
+and cranky; the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimac_ I haven't really had time to
+patch up; and the _Valkyrie_ is two months overdue. I cannot make up my
+mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I
+really don't know what I can lend you. Any of these boats I have named you
+could have had for nothing; but my others are actively employed, and I
+couldn't let them go without a serious interference with my business."
+
+The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore.
+It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense the club was
+about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it for
+him, he was sincerely sorry for them.
+
+"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing, but the
+others I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give you a
+discount."
+
+And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should be
+an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.
+
+"The _Flying Dutchman_," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes.
+She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd catch up with
+the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and disappear
+like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do--with all respect to
+Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as any other waterlogged
+cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate for elephants and kangaroos,
+but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn't make a ripple high
+enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed. Furthermore, she's
+got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by running
+afoul of--Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went
+cruising with that menagerie of his."
+
+"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This man talks
+like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but
+simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the
+truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say
+this in defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my day."
+
+"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!" sneered Wren,
+perceiving a chance to get even.
+
+"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was a
+centreboard, and that's where you kept the board."
+
+"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants,"
+retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the elephant shuffling one of his
+fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day
+for forty days in one of your boats, and see where your boat would be."
+
+"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't patronize my line.
+All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he
+reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and swung
+himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what you want, unless you are
+going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If that's your intention, I'd
+charter her; the accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that
+kind."
+
+"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. "You've
+told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we can do."
+
+"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue themselves.
+That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em over here, and I
+think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em close, and it's my private
+opinion that before many days you'll see your club-house sailing back
+here, with Queen Elizabeth at the hellum, and the other ladies on the
+for'ard deck knittin' and crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in
+a conversational way, as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd
+and his pirate crew."
+
+"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising. "Whether the
+relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set going.
+The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they
+were capable of rescuing themselves. It is an accepted principle of law
+that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we've got
+enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the
+ranks. We must have a boat."
+
+"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon.
+
+"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet.
+
+"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of my
+wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece for their
+recovery."
+
+"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em on board,
+together with eighty of his fiancées. What's the quotation on fiancées,
+King Solomon?"
+
+"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their fathers'
+business to get 'em back. Not mine."
+
+Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody
+save Shylock had put his name down for something. This some one of the
+more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless
+disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call:
+"Shylock! Shylock! How much?"
+
+The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked.
+
+"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?"
+
+"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a bottle
+aloft. "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr.
+Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago
+on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper,
+and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more substantial than
+even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes."
+
+[Illustration: A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE]
+
+A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a
+cork-screw from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted the paper,
+and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the missing
+vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read,
+aloud:
+
+"Have just emerged into the Atlantic. Club in hands of Kidd and forty
+ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board. Headed for the
+Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in the
+billiard-room. (Signed) Portia."
+
+"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory is."
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about seafaring, but
+Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first
+tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions."
+
+The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for
+Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined.
+
+"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, "but
+with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus!" and with that
+he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows
+of the wood.
+
+And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely
+twin-screw steamer the _Gehenna_ was chartered of Charon, and put under
+the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the company
+for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, observing in strictest
+confidence to himself that he had done well to prepare that bottle
+beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it.
+
+"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again free of
+cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me there or not. I
+never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height of my
+popularity."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all. Once
+having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of
+ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind if
+they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his
+men not done it for them.
+
+"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all
+this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, which
+missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is not
+right."
+
+"No," said Portia. "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm going
+to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he doesn't give in
+to me, I'll reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock _versus_
+Antonio."
+
+"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for I
+swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of injustice
+ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs.
+Cæsar's card-parties, that he regarded that as the biggest joke he ever
+wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony that the decision wouldn't
+have held in any court of equity outside of Venice. If you owe a man a
+thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them, that's your
+affair, not his. If it cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay
+the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the
+world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a
+woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities."
+
+"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," shuddered
+Elizabeth.
+
+"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away with
+a raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra. "I'm half sorry it didn't go on,
+and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than compelling Brutus to
+fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver _en brochette_, as is
+done in that Julius Cæsar play."
+
+"Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia.
+
+"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it,
+you'd never have been known. What was that?"
+
+The boat had given a slight lurch.
+
+"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the Egyptian
+Queen.
+
+"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit,"
+returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state of
+development, she had become a martyr to her nerves.
+
+"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I fancy,"
+said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the way that old fellow allows
+these modern innovations to be brought in here! As if the old paddle-boats
+he used to carry shades in weren't good enough for the immigrants of this
+age! Really this Styx River is losing a great deal of its charm. Sir
+Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last summer, by the
+waves kicked up by one of Charon's excursion steamers going up the river
+with a party of picnickers from the city--the Greater Gehenna Chowder
+Club, I believe it was--on board of her. One might just as well live in
+the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet
+here in the suburbs in these days. Charon isn't content to get rich
+slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all
+the comfort of everybody living on this river. Anybody'd think he was an
+American, the way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same way. The
+Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers."
+
+"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by the
+introduction of American ideas--it is getting by far too democratic for my
+tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that the best people will
+stop coming here. Take Madame Récamier's salon as it is now and compare it
+with what it used to be! In the early days, after her arrival here,
+everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you'd be sure of
+meeting the intellectually elect. On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on
+the other, Cicero; across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with
+some such person as myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte,
+were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like
+Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto. You couldn't move
+without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. The
+money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the result
+that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place
+last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for dinners. Let me see,
+I think I have it with me; I've kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is
+such a complete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in this
+locality. Ah! this is it," she added, taking a small bit of paste-board
+from her card-case. "Read that."
+
+The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished--and
+naturally so, for it ran this wise:
+
+    --------------------------------------------------
+    |             NOTICE TO HOSTESSES.               |
+    |                                                |
+    |  Owing to the very great, constantly growing,  |
+    |  and at times vexatious demands upon his time  |
+    |  socially,                                     |
+    |                                                |
+    |         HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART           |
+    |                                                |
+    |  takes this method of announcing to his        |
+    |  friends that on and after January 1, 1897,    |
+    |  his terms for functions will be as follows:   |
+    |                                                |
+    |                                       Marks.   |
+    |  Dinners with conversation on the              |
+    |    Theory of Music  .................   500    |
+    |  Dinners with conversation on the              |
+    |    Theory of Music, illustrated  ....   750    |
+    |  Dinners without any conversation  ..   300    |
+    |  Receptions, public, with music  ....  1000    |
+    |      "       private,    "     ......   750    |
+    |  Encores (single)  ..................   100    |
+    |  Three encores for  .................   150    |
+    |  Autographs  ........................    10    |
+    |                                                |
+    |  Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock    |
+    |  Teas or Morning Musicales considered.         |
+    --------------------------------------------------
+
+"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that
+extraordinary? He's got the three-name craze, too!"
+
+"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra. "But it's fairer than Artemus
+Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge you; but with
+Ward it's different. He comes, and afterwards sends a bill for his fun.
+Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement' from him showing a
+charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for humorous remarks made to my
+guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor of Balzac, and,
+worst of all, he had marked it 'Please remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote
+a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't let me have it until he had heard whether
+or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the _Gossip_. With Rubens
+giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias doing 'Five-minute Masterpieces in
+Putty' for suburban lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines
+turning their genius to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's
+impossible to have a salon now."
+
+"You are indeed right," said Madame Récamier, sadly. "Those were palmy
+days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade. I shall
+never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time
+were--ah--were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of
+lights and supper. Now the only people who will come for nothing are those
+we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready, but you
+can't run a salon on Boswell."
+
+"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the
+functions altogether, because I have always found them most delightful. It
+is still possible to have lights and supper."
+
+"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Récamier, "but I suppose I
+shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt it.
+The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea worthy of an
+American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to give it up entirely,
+which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An incorporated salon, however,
+would be a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the salon.
+'The Récamier Salon (Limited)' would be a most excellent title, and,
+suitably capitalized, would enable us to pay our lions sufficiently.
+Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions. It's as much as I
+can afford to pay for a dinner, without running up an expense account for
+guests; and unless we get up a salon trust, as it were, the whole affair
+must go to the wall."
+
+[Illustration: MADAME RÉCAMIER HAS A PLAN]
+
+"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia. "I can't see where your
+dividends would come from."
+
+"That is simple enough," said Madame Récamier. "We could put up a large
+reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a series of
+nights--say one a week throughout the season. These would be Warriors'
+Night, Story-tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish Night under the
+charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on. It would be understood that on these
+particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines would be
+present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on
+payment of a certain sum of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this
+country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well, as I
+think I do, they'll pay readily for the privilege. The obscure love to rub
+up against the famous here as well as they do on earth."
+
+"You'd run a sort of Social Zoo?" suggested Elizabeth.
+
+"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An
+advertisement in Boswell's paper, which everybody buys--"
+
+"And which nobody reads," said Portia.
+
+"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Récamier. "As I was
+saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as follows:
+'Are you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at the
+Récamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply magnificent as a business
+enterprise. The common herd would be tickled to death if they could get
+great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them."
+
+"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs
+gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, 'The supper was
+furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Récamier Salon (Limited)'?"
+suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.
+
+"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an unpleasant
+possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if we want to
+preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they
+have a commercial value, and they are availing themselves of the demand."
+
+"It is a sad age!" sighed Elizabeth.
+
+"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe: "You people
+who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on yourselves.
+You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a
+moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance.
+His wife told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The
+rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making
+after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his
+pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful
+expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she
+could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that
+he couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid he
+would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for refusing."
+
+"Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
+
+"So the cyclopædias say. It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe. "Though
+Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out
+too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of
+Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thursday Night Club, merely
+to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had
+sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply run it into the
+ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to
+fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is expected to
+be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are
+getting tired of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too
+much of it upon them."
+
+"They like it, just the same," retorted Récamier. "A genius likes nothing
+better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling
+on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble
+brow."
+
+"True," said Xanthippe. "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a
+mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the
+market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to
+weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a
+man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding instead of
+permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm."
+
+"That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia.
+
+"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe. "No man ever gave me
+my ideas."
+
+As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
+
+"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. "The boat has broken loose from
+her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we don't hurry up and do
+something, we'll drift out to sea!"
+
+"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the
+stairs. "I was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was the wash
+from one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth."
+
+"I thought it was," said Elizabeth, following closely after.
+
+"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia. "Calpurnia just looked out of
+the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream."
+
+The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend,
+Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to the
+upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain Kidd were
+thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the
+gathering gloom. "Pipe my eye for a sardine if we haven't captured a
+female seminary!" he cried.
+
+[Illustration: "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"]
+
+And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-room,
+while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and retreated into
+the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to "what
+next."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+
+"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in
+perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the capstan to
+discuss the situation. "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed
+athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low-down ruffians
+like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the water's
+edge with advanced women--I've half a mind to turn back."
+
+[Illustration: "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"]
+
+"If you do, you swim--we'll not turn back with you," retorted Abeuchapeta,
+whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of the
+House-boat. "I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not
+embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out
+for business. If you had thirty thousand women on board, still should I
+not turn back."
+
+"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd. "Where can we go without
+attracting attention? Who's going to feed 'em? Who's going to dress 'em?
+Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets? You don't know anything about these
+creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, can't we arbitrate that
+name of yours? It would be fearful to remember in the excitement of a
+fight."
+
+"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer,
+for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta's preferral.
+
+"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit,"
+retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.
+
+"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing
+angrily to his feet, "I'll have your life!"
+
+"Gentlemen! Gentlemen--my noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd. "Come, come;
+this will never do! I must have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no
+time for divisions in our councils. An entirely unexpected element has
+entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no
+light matter--"
+
+"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I do
+not agree. We've got our ship and we've got our crew, and in addition we
+find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as
+ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work.
+There is plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a
+very hard fight, and come out of the mêlée somewhat the worse for wear, it
+will be a blessing to have 'em along to mend our togas, sew buttons on our
+uniforms, and darn our hosiery."
+
+Morgan laughed sarcastically. "When did you flourish, if ever, colonel?"
+he asked.
+
+"Do you refer to me?" queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown.
+
+"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily. "I have quite
+forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?"
+
+"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further
+outbreak of hostilities--"Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas
+in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his
+piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is
+without parallel off the comic-opera stage. He never went forth without at
+least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels."
+
+Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.
+
+"Six-ninety-eight was my great year," he said.
+
+"That's what I thought," said Morgan. "That is to say, you got your ideas
+of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat
+since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I have
+no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes
+to 'feminology' you are sailing in unknown waters. The study of women, my
+dear Abeuchadnezzar--"
+
+"Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.
+
+"I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan, with
+a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate did not
+see, else there would have been an open break--"the study of women is more
+difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all
+women are unique. Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your
+day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our day--in
+fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to say that no
+individual woman is alike."
+
+"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a
+puzzled sort of way.
+
+"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said
+Morgan. "What is it the poet called her?--'an infinite variety show,' or
+something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville--a continuous performance,
+as it were, from twelve to twelve."
+
+"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily
+as bo'sun. "The times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she
+was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she was. The Roman Gynæceum
+would be an impossibility to-day. You might as well expect Delilah to open
+a barbershop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced females
+below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate's uniform after a fray, or to keep
+the fringe on his epaulets curled. They're no longer sewing-machines--they
+are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views
+now--they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for
+themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man
+and emancipate woman. It's my private opinion that if we are to get along
+with them at all the best thing to do is to let 'em alone. I have always
+found I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going to
+be settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, I'll
+vote for any measure which involves leaving them strictly to themselves.
+They're nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can
+pretend we don't see them."
+
+"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is
+impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are
+strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates.
+We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect
+whales to spout kerosene. In the first place, it would be excessively
+impolite of us to cut them--to decline to speak to them if they should
+address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall
+never forget that we are gentlemen."
+
+"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you think?"
+suggested Conrad. "There's nobody to introduce us, and I can't really see
+how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am not going to
+stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an acquaintance
+with them, even if I am of a Byronic strain."
+
+"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation. These
+women are at present--or shortly will be, when they realize their
+situation--in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue
+of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the
+seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines it is
+now considered _de rigueur_ to speak to anybody you choose to. The
+introduction business isn't going to stand in my way."
+
+"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is worrying
+you? You said something about feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping
+them in bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in the sea to feed 'em; and
+as for their gowns and hats, they can make 'em themselves. Every woman is
+a milliner at heart."
+
+"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers me. I
+was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York, admiral.
+That is where the money is, and to get it you've got to go ashore, to
+headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern
+civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the pirate's business. The latest
+news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that
+I never dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I speak are
+interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins here. Captain
+Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the
+condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the high seas?"
+
+"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was a
+recent arrival in Hades. "It is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain
+for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since you ask me. When
+I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my
+readin', which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school nater--to become
+somethin' different from the little Willies an' the clever Tommies what I
+read about therein. They was all good, an' they went to their reward too
+soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an'
+unpleasant diversion. Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only
+reward, an' a-wish-in' others, I says to myself: 'Jim,' says I, 'if you
+wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be as you are
+a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals, you'll end up
+as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no
+hope for no public preferment beyond bein' made the superintendent of the
+Sunday-school; but if so be as how you're bad, you may become famous, an'
+go to Congress, an' have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.' So I
+looks around for books tellin' how to get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an'
+after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate's just the
+thing for me, seein' as how it's both profitable an' healthy. Passin' over
+details, let me tell you that I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, an' by
+dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school books useter say, in my badness
+I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys, I
+wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back, loud like, 'Jim, we're
+with you,' an' they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan
+Gulf, the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there was precious
+little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday noospaper,
+which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern Piracy' which I didn't
+write. Finally business got so bad the crew began to murmur, an' I was at
+my wits' ends to please 'em; when one mornin', havin' passed a restless
+night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer
+is a weritable treasure-ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and the
+jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.' 'Here's
+my chance,' says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I
+captures her easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin' according like. We
+steals the box a-hold-in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the millions,
+hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo, me with two
+bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, and one engin' of my ship
+disabled by a shot--but happy. Twelve an' a half millions at one break is
+enough to make anybody happy."
+
+"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head.
+"I didn't get that in all my career."
+
+"Nor I," sighed Kidd. "But go on, Hawkins."
+
+"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the rondyvoo to
+look over our booty. 'Captain 'Awkins,' says my valet--for I was a swell
+pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my
+clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers--'this 'ere twelve
+millions,' says he, 'is werry light,' says he, carryin' the bag ashore. 'I
+don't care how light it is, so long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,'
+says I; but my heart sinks inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we
+lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach. I opens the
+bag, an' it's the one I was after--but the twelve millions!"
+
+"Weren't there?" cried Conrad.
+
+"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million was
+represented by a certified check, an' payable in London!"
+
+[Illustration: "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED
+CHECK, AN' PAYABLE IN LONDON'"]
+
+"By Jingo!" cried Morgan. "What fearful luck! But you had the prima
+donna's jewels."
+
+"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. "But they was like all other prima
+donna's jewels--for advertisin' purposes only, an' made o' gum-arabic!"
+
+"Horrible!" said Abeuchapeta. "And the crew, what did they say?"
+
+"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins. "Werry few words, an'
+not a civil word in the lot--mostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I
+told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltin' of 'em,
+an'--well, I came here. I was 'sas'inated that werry night!"
+
+"They killed you?" cried Morgan.
+
+"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. "They always was a lavish lot. I met
+death in all its most horrid forms. First they stabbed me, then they shot
+me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a lynchin'--but I
+didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that I'm here
+I'm glad it happened. This life is sort of less responsible than that
+other. You can't hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain't nothing
+to hurt, an' I must say I like bein' a mere vision what everybody can see
+through."
+
+"All of which interesting tale proves what?" queried Abeuchapeta.
+
+"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check
+banking system," said Kidd. "If you can get a chance at real gold it's all
+right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop
+payment on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little
+freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found."
+
+"Well? Can't we do it now?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd. "If we went to
+London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it
+spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours."
+
+"Then leave them on board," said Abeuchapeta.
+
+"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd. "No. There are but two
+things to do. Take 'em back, or land them in Paris. Tell them to spend a
+week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell 'em to shop to their hearts'
+content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them
+stranded."
+
+"Splendid!" cried Morgan.
+
+"But will they consent?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Consent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?" cried Morgan.
+
+"Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins. "Will they consent! Will a duck swim?"
+
+And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the
+House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+
+When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boat
+was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly
+Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs
+behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen
+to gaze through that diaphanous person's ribs, could have been seen to
+beat angrily.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her
+regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the
+most unroyal fashion.
+
+"Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The idea of
+it! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of
+the block!"
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN
+POWER]
+
+"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard-room
+and discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that something has
+happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft."
+
+"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can see
+through the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left her
+moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the
+distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that
+the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of
+accident. Let us below."
+
+Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the
+moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave
+one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.
+
+"Very well," she said. "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!"
+
+"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants to cut
+somebody."
+
+The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded as
+being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into
+the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about
+anxiously discussing the situation.
+
+"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those
+pool-balls!" These were in very truth chasing each other about the table
+in an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed you horrid new
+creatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.
+
+"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out of
+the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the
+disquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the part
+of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time
+it should cease."
+
+"Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again.
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, and I
+must say it is getting tiresome. You couldn't do anything with an axe.
+Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who were
+accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, if you had
+the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate
+upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck
+if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for
+all the good it would do us in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp
+with her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake like
+that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into
+the sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for there
+isn't any of us that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us."
+
+"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic
+spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which
+she found herself.
+
+"I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot. "But I'm not that kind of a salt."
+
+"I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't know, for
+I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough
+for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived.
+If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical
+experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it."
+
+"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but in the
+emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we
+know what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought to
+know how far that reliance can go--not that I lack confidence in you, my
+dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care to rely upon
+the oak, not upon the reed."
+
+"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say here
+that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so
+level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spoken
+truly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make her
+my attorney-general. We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all
+things in a calm, judicial manner."
+
+"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked Ophelia,
+faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for the
+House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously, with no alleviation save an
+occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that it gave
+variety to their discomfort. "I don't believe a chief-justice could look
+at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do."
+
+"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know exactly
+how you feel. I have been there myself. The fourth day out I and my whole
+family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband, was so
+very far gone that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six days
+before he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed myself."
+
+"But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me--"
+
+"It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. "When he heard that the boys were
+sea-sick too, he actually laughed and began to get better right away.
+There is really only one cure for the _mal de mer_, and that is the fun of
+knowing that somebody else is suffering too. If some of you ladies would
+kindly yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor
+girl on her feet in an instant."
+
+Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to this
+appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in solitude.
+
+"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped Xanthippe,
+with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a
+comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently improving. "I have
+no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired of
+succumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature."
+
+"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a great
+deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that it is
+rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle as
+that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she
+withdrew the sentiment. There are certain things about a sea-voyage that
+are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one who
+chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more confident
+than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour she will not be as
+badly off. People who live in glass houses should not throw dice."
+
+"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let me
+tell you that," retorted Xanthippe. "Furthermore, the proverb is not as
+the lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses should not throw
+stones' is the proper version."
+
+"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that people
+who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely what I
+said. People who live in glass houses should not take chances. In assuming
+with such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be seasick, the lady
+who has just spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on
+the Ark when we gathered about the table at night and began to make small
+wagers on the day's run."
+
+"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. "It
+is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does
+not care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more important that
+we should decide upon our future course of action. In the first place, the
+question is who these people up on deck are. If they are the members of
+the club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land us
+safely again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to manifest
+no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in the proceeding.
+It would never do to let them think that their joke has been a good one.
+If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some horde of
+ruffians, who have pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the
+business of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with
+treachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing to
+make every man on board walk the plank, having confidence in the
+seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port."
+
+"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Récamier, "and I
+move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of subcommittees--one
+on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on
+strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation,
+headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, with
+Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft--all of these
+subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra and
+Calpurnia. The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our interests
+unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without
+thought of the morrow."
+
+"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame
+Récamier be appointed chair-lady of another subcommittee, on
+entertainment."
+
+The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with an
+enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.
+
+The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to
+discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed to
+obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window. The
+faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as, immediately
+following upon this apparition, a large bundle was hurled through the open
+port into the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished.
+
+"Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once.
+
+"Nonsense!" said Madame Récamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man doesn't
+mind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up. We're safe
+enough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of illustrated
+papers."
+
+"That's what it is," said Cleopatra, who had been investigating. "It's
+rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the window
+that way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear me," she added, as,
+having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her,
+"how interesting! All the latest Paris fashions. Humph! Look at those
+sleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would have been with
+those sleeves added to your ruffs!"
+
+"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing on
+her tiptoes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder. "That Watteau isn't
+bad, either, is it, now?"
+
+"No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that would go
+on my blue alpaca?"
+
+"Very nicely," said Elizabeth. "How many gores has it?"
+
+"Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Cæsar's toga. We had to have
+our costumes distinct in some way."
+
+"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of a
+Virot creation at the top of the page.
+
+"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," smiled
+Mrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn't
+have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals browsing
+about the upper and lower decks."
+
+"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to take
+in the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how that waist
+would make up in blue crépon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly
+contrasting stock of satin ribbon?"
+
+"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame
+Récamier. "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with
+deeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad."
+
+"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifle
+too light for general wear. I should want some kind of a wrap with it."
+
+"It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of passementerie and
+jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck held by a _chou_,
+would make it fascinating."
+
+"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising from
+her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so animated a
+discussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding about
+Cleopatra and the papers.
+
+[Illustration: "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"]
+
+"A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I don't
+like those basque terminations. I've never approved of those full
+godets--"
+
+"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her voice,
+"has a suggestion to make."
+
+"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. "What is
+the use of them?"
+
+"They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame Récamier.
+
+"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by the
+absorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make. This is
+the third and last call."
+
+"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had forgotten
+all about our committees. Excuse me, Delilah. I--ah--was absorbed in other
+matters. Will you kindly lay your pattern--I should say your plan--before
+us?"
+
+"It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we invite
+the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the supervision of
+Lucretia Borgia, and that she--"
+
+The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speaker
+was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant opening, and
+the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd.
+
+"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation in
+which you find yourselves. Have I your permission to speak?"
+
+The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion.
+
+"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper;
+and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the nefarious plan
+upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in
+through the window of the bundle of fashion papers was the first.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
+
+
+It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the preceding
+chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the _Gehenna_, which
+was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-starred ocean
+steamship _City of Chicago_, which tried some years ago to reach Liverpool
+by taking the overland route through Ireland, fortunately without
+detriment to her passengers or crew, who had the pleasure of the
+experience of shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning. As
+will be remembered, the obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented
+the _City of Chicago_ from proceeding farther inland than was necessary to
+keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed;
+and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to
+the Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had himself
+incorporated, is a matter of nautical history. The change of name to the
+_Gehenna_ was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a
+desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of the Stygian
+capital against the flourishing and ever-growing metropolis of Illinois.
+
+The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft. Charon,
+through his constant association with life on both sides of the dark
+river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of modern business
+methods, and while as janitor of the club he was subject to the will of
+the House Committee, and sympathized deeply with the members of the
+association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation Company
+he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which were
+embarrassing to those members of the association to whose hands the
+chartering of a vessel had been committed.
+
+"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had
+expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the terms
+upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old hypocrite.
+You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they've got as
+dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask you for a ship
+of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you become a
+sort of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse. His instincts are
+accidents of birth. Yours are cultivated, and you know it."
+
+"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to this.
+"You don't understand my position. It is a very hard one. As janitor of
+your club I am really prostrated over the events of the past twenty-four
+hours. My occupation is gone, and my despair over your loss is
+correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to brood over it. I
+was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon--so hysterical that I came
+near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to Madame
+Medusa's villa last evening; and right at the sluice of the vitriol
+reservoir at that."
+
+[Illustration: "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"]
+
+"Then why the deuce don't you do something to help us?" pleaded Hamlet.
+
+"How can I do any more than I have done? I've offered you the _Gehenna_,"
+retorted Charon.
+
+"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh. "If we had all the wealth of
+the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying you the sums you demand."
+
+"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon. "I'd like, as
+president, to show you some courtesy, and I'm perfectly willing to do so;
+but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I'm bound by my
+official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders. It isn't as it
+used to be when I had boats to hire in my own behalf alone. In those days
+I had nobody's interest but my own to look after. Now the ships all belong
+to the Styx Navigation Company. Can't you see the difference?"
+
+"You own all the stock, don't you?" insisted Raleigh.
+
+"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly. "I haven't seen the
+transfer-books lately."
+
+"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you haven't
+sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet.
+
+Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and Sir
+Walter's heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could not be
+cornered.
+
+"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "I--I can't
+say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not. The fact is,
+I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up that stock as
+security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out by my brokers.
+I've been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence that I haven't seen the
+market reports for two days. Really you'll have to be content with my
+offer or go without the _Gehenna_. There's too much suspicion attached to
+high corporate officials lately for me to yield a jot in the position I
+have taken. It would never do to get you all ready to start, and then have
+an injunction clapped on you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not
+satisfied with the terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me
+that to retain my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a
+trust committed to my charge. I'll gladly lend you my private launch,
+though I don't think it will aid you much, because the naphtha-tank has
+exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two weeks ago.
+Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that either Phidias or
+Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you if you ask him to."
+
+"Bah!" retorted Raleigh. "You might as well offer us a pair of skates."
+
+"I would, if I thought the river'd freeze," retorted Charon, blandly.
+
+Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own
+devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his other
+eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief.
+
+"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter. "We'll have to pay
+him his money."
+
+"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this they
+proceeded at once to do.
+
+"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective after
+he had heard Sir Walter's statement of the case. "It is an old saying that
+one should fight fire with fire. We must meet modern business methods with
+modern commercial ideas. Charter his vessel at his own price."
+
+"But we'd never be able to pay," said Hamlet.
+
+"Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes. "It is evident that you know nothing of the laws
+of trade nowadays. Don't pay!"
+
+"But how can we?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"The method is simple. You haven't anything to pay with," returned Holmes.
+"Let him sue. Suppose he gets a verdict. You haven't anything he can
+attach--if you have, make it over to your wives or your fiancées."
+
+"Is that honest?" asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully.
+
+"It's business," said Holmes.
+
+"But suppose he wants an advance payment?" queried Hamlet.
+
+"Give him a check drawn to his own order. He'll have to endorse it when he
+deposits it, and that will make him responsible," laughed Holmes.
+
+"What a simple thing when you understand it!" commented Raleigh.
+
+"Very," said Holmes. "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an exact
+science. It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I played a modest
+part some ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a profession. I
+was sitting one night in my room at one of the Brighton hotels, which
+shall be nameless. I never give the name of any of the hotels at which I
+stop, because it might give offence to the proprietors of other hotels,
+with the result that my books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice
+it to say that I was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my
+friend Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying our evening smoke
+together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came a
+timid knock on the door of my room.
+
+"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice. Do you wish to wager a
+small bottle upon it?'
+
+"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile. 'I am thirsty and I'd like a small
+bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll take the bet. I should like
+to know, though, how you know.'
+
+"'It is quite simple,' said I. 'The timidity of the knock shows that my
+visitor is one of two classes of persons--an autograph-hunter or a client,
+one of the two. You see I give you a chance to win. It may be an
+autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client. If it were a creditor, he
+would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the maid, she would
+not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would not come until I had
+rung five times for him. None of these things has occurred; the knock is
+the half-hearted knock which betokens either that the person who knocked
+is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception. I am willing, however,
+considering the heat and my desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it
+is a client.'
+
+"'Done,' said Watson; and I immediately remarked, 'Come in.'
+
+"The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a
+bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had happened.
+
+"'Your name is Burgess,' I said. 'You came here from London this morning,
+expecting to return to-night. You brought no luggage with you. After
+luncheon you went in bathing. You had machine No. 35, and when you came
+out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your clothes
+and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day you succeeded to his
+business.'
+
+"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir Walter
+and Hamlet--"of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued: 'You have
+been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for nightfall, so
+that you could come to me for assistance, not considering it good form to
+make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad in a
+bathing-suit. Am I correct?'
+
+"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my story
+exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in coming to
+you. Would you mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?'
+
+"'It is plain as day,' said I. 'I am the person with the red beard with
+whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you told me
+your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher. When you looked to see
+the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which led to your
+telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.'
+
+"'True,' said Burgess, 'but I did not tell you I had no luggage.'
+
+"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought any
+other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on
+to come here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from your costume.'
+
+"'But the number of the machine?' asked Watson.
+
+"'Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,' said I.
+
+"'One more question,' queried Burgess. 'How do you know I have been lying
+face downward on the beach ever since?'
+
+"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the
+small bottle."
+
+"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed Hamlet,
+somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of this tale,
+"that suggested this train of thought to you."
+
+"The sequel will show," returned Holmes.
+
+"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh. "Can't we put off the sequel until a later
+issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing time."
+
+"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office of the
+Navigation Company," observed the detective. "When the bottle came I
+invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late
+when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight.
+This he accepted, and we retired.
+
+"The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared."
+
+"You had dreamed its solution?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"No," replied Holmes. "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, my
+false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch. The only thing he had left me was
+the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles."
+
+"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's
+office--"why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted
+to-day?"
+
+"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it all,"
+explained Holmes. "I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe one thing
+about him. Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and
+with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96
+and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that he was an impostor.
+_Vide_ Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,' pp. 631-640."
+
+"Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?" demanded
+Hamlet.
+
+"If he has any--yes; but I did not know that at the time of the Brighton
+mystery. Therefore I should have stayed out of the case. But here we are.
+Good-morning, Charon."
+
+By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president of
+the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was chartered
+at a fabulous price.
+
+On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked Holmes if
+he thought the plan they had settled upon would work.
+
+"Charon is a very shrewd old fellow," said he. "He may outwit us yet."
+
+"The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor," observed
+Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh's ears. "The temporal angle of
+your ears is 93-1/8 degrees, whereas Charon's stand out at 91, by my
+otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to his. If
+criminology is an exact science, reasoning by your respective ears, you
+ought to beat him out by a perceptible though possibly narrow margin."
+
+With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and within
+twelve hours the _Gehenna_ was under way, carrying a full complement of
+crew and officers, with every state-room on board occupied by some spirit
+of the more illustrious kind.
+
+Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of night
+he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself in an empty
+water-cask in the forecastle.
+
+[Illustration: "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE
+GANG-PLANK"]
+
+"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily through the
+bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and damp enough, and, considering the
+cost, I can't complain. You can't get something for nothing, even in
+Hades."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA"
+
+
+When the _Gehenna_ had passed down the Styx and out through the beautiful
+Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and everything was
+comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down from
+the bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the
+expedition at the moment of departure. His brow was furrowed with anxiety,
+and through his massive forehead his brain could be seen to be throbbing
+violently, and the corrugations of his gray matter were not pleasant to
+witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an idea out of them.
+
+"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously. "We are not in any
+danger, are we?"
+
+"No," replied Holmes. "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the
+surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an hour or two
+ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate to
+my mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the House-boat has
+changed her course. Take that bubble floating by. It is the last expiring
+bit of aerial agitation of the House-boat's wake. Observe whence it comes.
+Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight
+course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the northeast, and
+was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London seems to
+have become their destination."
+
+Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from
+stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he opened
+his _bonbonnière_ and swallowed a pebble.
+
+"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?" queried
+Holmes.
+
+"No," returned the Greek. "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but these
+pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down. How on earth do you know that
+that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?"
+
+"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes. "A merely worldly
+vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake. That one we have just
+discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which it
+seems to me the English language is very much in need of. It proves, then,
+that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a Stygian craft, and the only
+Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is the
+House-boat--Q.E.D."
+
+"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I
+presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories of
+his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition rather
+than by study of the science.
+
+"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes,
+simply, as though not observing the sneer, "because the ripple represents
+the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; and as any one
+of the sides to an angle is greater than the perpendicular from the
+hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going the long way. This is
+especially important when you consider the formation of the bow of the
+House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and comes
+near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of ninety degrees."
+
+"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must
+change our course and sail for Paris?"
+
+"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means certain as
+yet. I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop and look about
+him, he might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of
+the theory."
+
+"He couldn't discover anything," put in Pinzon. "He never did."
+
+"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus. "I'd like to know who discovered
+America."
+
+"So should I," observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci.
+
+"Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did it, and the world knows it, whether you
+claim it or not."
+
+"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon. "You sat upon the
+deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for three
+months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even when you had
+it right before your eyes. Noah might just as well have told his family
+that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back to Spain telling
+'em all that San Salvador was the United States."
+
+"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh. "I'm the one they
+celebrate, so what's the odds? I'd rather stay down here in the
+smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast and
+strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to prove or
+disprove the correctness of another man's theory. I wouldn't know evidence
+when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge Blackstone."
+
+"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone. "The dignity of
+the bench must and shall be preserved, and I'll never consent to climb up
+that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks me
+to go."
+
+[Illustration: JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP]
+
+"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly. "I am
+commander of this ship. It will pay you to remember that, Judge
+Blackstone."
+
+"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly. "Bear that in
+mind, captain, when you try to send me up. I'll issue a writ of _habeas
+corpus_ on my own body, and commit you for contempt."
+
+"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing by
+the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble might
+ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to. "He's accustomed to
+weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision. If he
+saw any evidence, he'd have to sit on it a week before reaching a
+conclusion. What we need here more than anything else is an expert seaman,
+a lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has sailed under his father, and I have
+it on good authority that he is a nautical expert."
+
+Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the necessity of
+disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded.
+
+"Very well," he said. "Shem be it. Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him
+that general order number one requires him to report at the mizzentop
+right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come below and
+make it known to me. As for the rest of us, having a very considerable
+appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time. Shall we go below?"
+
+[Illustration: SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT]
+
+"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh. "Fact is--ah--I
+dined last week, and am not hungry."
+
+Noah laughed. "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said. "It'll do
+you good."
+
+But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his
+state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck. The rest
+of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were soon engaged
+in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder provided.
+
+"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call
+comfort. I don't know that I am so anxious to recover the House-boat,
+after all."
+
+"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on, and
+with such a larder. Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor--"
+
+"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but I--I've left my note-bub-book
+upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and get it."
+
+"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I judge from your color, which is highly
+suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well too if you
+stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries in your
+commonplace book."
+
+"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. "Shall you say anything clever
+during dinner, sir? If so, I might be putting it down while I'm up--"
+
+"Get out!" roared the Doctor. "Get up as high as you can--get up with Shem
+on the mizzentop--"
+
+"Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and he was off.
+
+"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he means
+well."
+
+"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous. Last winter, at
+Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell printed a week
+before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and 'uproarious
+applause' interspersed through it. It placed me in a false position."
+
+"How did he know what you were going to say?" queried Demosthenes.
+
+"Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind of mind-reader, I fancy," he added,
+blushing a trifle. "But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from your
+observation of the wake of the House-boat? If she's going to Paris, why
+the change?"
+
+"I have two theories," replied the detective.
+
+"Which is always safe," said Le Coq.
+
+"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes. "Anyhow,
+it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting. The change of her
+course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either that Kidd is not
+satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already taken, and wishes
+to ruin you gentlemen financially by turning your wives, daughters, and
+sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the pirates have themselves
+been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise
+and get some fun out of their misfortune."
+
+"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure go?"
+asked Bonaparte.
+
+"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington, with a
+sly wink at Washington.
+
+"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte. "It wasn't you beat me at
+Waterloo. You couldn't have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of old-maid
+with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, if you hadn't
+had the elements with you."
+
+"Tut!" snapped Wellington. "It was clear science laid you out, Boney."
+
+"Taisey-voo!" shouted the irate Corsican. "Clear science be hanged! Wet
+science was what did it. If it hadn't been for the rain, my little Duke, I
+should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would have been
+camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere
+else."
+
+"You must have had a gay army, then," laughed Cæsar. "What are French
+soldiers made of, that they can't stand the wet--unshrunk linen or
+flannel?"
+
+"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few paces
+away. "You do not understand the French. The Frenchman is not a pell-mell
+soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go in for
+glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than
+honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out of the
+fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and his
+epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no glory in water. But if we had
+had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as every Englishman who comes to the
+Continent always has, and a bath-tub for everybody, then would your
+Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of Europe with
+a Bonaparte for emperor would have been founded for what the Americans
+call the keeps; and as for your little Great Britain, ha! she would have
+become the Blackwell's Island of the Greater France."
+
+"You're almost as funny as _Punch_ isn't," drawled Wellington, with an
+angry gesture at Bonaparte. "You weren't within telephoning distance of
+victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a regular game
+of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and win a few holes, but
+on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke. Go to, my dear
+Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood."
+
+"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said
+Frederick the Great. "How that rain would have fazed him if he had been!
+The human race would have been wiped out."
+
+"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the quarrel,
+and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte's shoulder. "When you
+come down to that, I was French--as French as one could be in those
+days--and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every one of 'em,
+my lineal descendants, and their hatred of rain was inherited directly
+from me, their ancestor."
+
+"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington, arching
+his eyebrows.
+
+"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after me.
+Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an essentially
+feminine trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry
+outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of
+hand-baggage. Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I think of it! She
+looked for all the world like an Englishman travelling on the Continent as
+she walked up the gang-plank behind the elephants, each elephant with a
+Gladstone bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail." Here the
+venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and the little quarrel
+which had been imminent passed off in a general laugh.
+
+"Where's Boswell? He ought to get that anecdote," said Johnson.
+
+"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes. "He's in charge of the
+log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about to
+happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work
+writing it up." Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand to
+his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking out his watch and
+glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes Shem will be in here to
+announce a discovery, and one of great importance, I judge, from the
+squeak."
+
+The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.
+
+"The squeak?" queried Raleigh.
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes. "The squeak is what I said, and as I always say
+what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I said."
+
+"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail to
+see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a discovery of
+importance."
+
+"It would not--to you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different. My
+hearing is unusually acute. I can hear the dropping of a pin through a
+stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates
+thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use
+of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully acute sense. A property
+which dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly apprehensive;
+therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to
+me there was. I heard Shem sliding down the mast a minute since. The fact
+that he slid down the mast instead of climbing down the rigging showed
+that he was in great haste, therefore he must have something to
+communicate of great importance."
+
+"Why isn't he here already, then? It wouldn't take him two minutes to get
+from the deck here," asked the ever-suspicious Le Coq.
+
+"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly. "If you will go yourself and
+slide down that mast you will see. Shem has stopped for a little
+witch-hazel to soothe his burns. It is no cool matter sliding down a mast
+two hundred feet in height."
+
+As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in.
+
+"A signal of distress, captain!" he cried.
+
+"From what quarter--to larboard?" asked Holmes.
+
+"No," returned Shem, breathless.
+
+"Then it must be dead ahead," said Holmes.
+
+"Why not to starboard?" asked Le Coq, dryly.
+
+"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so. If you had
+ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you would have known
+that interesting things, and particularly signals of distress, are never
+seen except to larboard or dead ahead."
+
+A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided.
+
+"The nature of the signal?" demanded Holmes.
+
+"A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!" cried Shem, "and
+on a rock-bound coast!"
+
+"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet and
+rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr.
+Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others.
+
+"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed the
+stairs.
+
+"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with
+intense enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my X-ray lantern and see if he's
+honest."
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded
+permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been introduced to this
+gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent to
+any proceeding so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have
+not met, nor do I permit them to address me."
+
+"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of my
+young friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all
+the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men
+without an introduction was included in the list, but I for one have no
+desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it's a
+horrid-looking man like this."
+
+Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladies
+fainted.
+
+"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that
+his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he found
+himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with falsehood on
+his lips, his courage began to ooze.
+
+"Not yet, please," answered the chair-lady. "I imagine we can get about
+this difficulty without much trouble."
+
+"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, rising.
+"If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a plan which will
+obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who is
+sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to
+us, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship's barber
+and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing for
+barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have
+not been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus
+I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with
+propriety introduce him to the rest of you."
+
+"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen
+Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much
+dissatisfied with the trim you gave him."
+
+"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, with
+a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had been
+sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman to you all
+with perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His grandfather was
+the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son Shem's
+great-grandnephew on his father's side. His relationship to me is
+therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he
+takes more after my husband's ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these
+ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my most
+famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been
+hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance,
+has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to
+know. Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece."
+
+The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors having
+thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
+
+"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under
+the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly
+with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering
+of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always
+felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of this nature.
+In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible impulse to
+make a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappy
+occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has
+alluded, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air
+tightened about my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked
+impromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost
+import surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no
+control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is
+therefore lost to the world."
+
+"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Récamier.
+
+"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth.
+
+"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsome
+or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He fascinates me, but
+whether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can't tell, and
+it's quite important."
+
+"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the
+point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands, _fiancés_, and
+other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenants
+of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may add
+highly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have noted of late
+years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day
+more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the
+universe--on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to be
+allowed to go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where, as you
+are no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almost
+wholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter
+himself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private
+lessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the
+extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem
+to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in a
+most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those of
+you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully aware. Now,
+actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish
+to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are
+based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have
+come to me and in so many words have said, 'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of
+Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like this
+constantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen all the life
+that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing
+them about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat,
+which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our
+beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life
+as they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only
+bring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words,
+ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying that
+even if they were tired of it all, they should make some personal
+sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, that
+they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might
+unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. 'We want them
+to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said they, 'and if we are along
+they may not feel so.' The answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted
+the commission."
+
+"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The subject was
+not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, _fiancés_, or fathers. My
+brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--"
+
+Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said.
+
+"Well, that's  what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised to be
+a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word. That's the kind of a queen
+I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, turning to the captain,
+"that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan,
+and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great importance."
+
+"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walter
+intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The arrangements
+were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy.
+None of the ladies were to be informed of it."
+
+"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If you
+ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah--gentleman."
+
+Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he
+put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his
+willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA]
+
+"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra.
+
+"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as good as
+his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen of 'em, if
+need be."
+
+"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd,
+who first proposed this plan?"
+
+"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly, with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
+
+"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that would
+contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah! Your story is
+transparently false at the outset."
+
+"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He said a
+trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and health-giving."
+
+"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
+
+"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd.
+
+"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to the
+roots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my doubting your
+word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark, and in order to
+make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am now
+perfectly convinced that you are telling the truth. That last observation
+is just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever do,
+well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry time, that's all."
+
+"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added Portia,
+hesitatingly.
+
+"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted with
+Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the others
+the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because
+he was afraid he would not consent to it. 'Bassanio has a most beautiful
+wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter, 'and he wouldn't think of parting with
+her under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our intentions a secret
+from him.' I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the
+others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth,
+all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated
+from, and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as
+to their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere."
+
+A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
+cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the
+wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other hand,
+Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the
+pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that glowering
+face.
+
+"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he was
+willing to part with--ah--his sister."
+
+"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this way:
+Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added that he of
+course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by his own in
+parting from his sister--"
+
+"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein
+his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense
+enthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual qualities, that he
+referred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge
+as to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists between
+you."
+
+"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who,
+with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without.
+
+"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He's
+perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his
+size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without evaporating. If
+you will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already has
+vanished into thin air."
+
+"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on him
+he'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of his head."
+
+All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he had
+little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was rapidly
+dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was in
+imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of one
+possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of
+annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had
+stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his
+explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most influential
+ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a
+creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing more to fear.
+
+"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, "to
+accept from this time on the gentleman's word. The little that he has
+already told us is hall-marked with truth. I should like to ask, however,
+one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected to
+embark us upon this voyage without letting us into the secret?"
+
+"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he
+too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the incipient
+etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple enough. There was
+to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at the club, and when you
+were all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and start. The fact that
+you had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was telephoned by my
+scouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by
+messenger to Sir Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of
+fight between Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately
+replied, '_Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love to
+Elizabeth._' Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and
+walking to the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care. Make
+yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you
+have already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. With
+the aid of Madame Récamier and Baedeker's _Paris_, which you will find in
+the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you
+resemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know what they want."
+
+With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in the
+arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too great.
+
+"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
+
+"Most attractive," said Elizabeth.
+
+"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy.
+
+"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she reflected
+upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I didn't believe
+him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had
+said, I was convinced."
+
+"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my favorite
+grandchildren."
+
+"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, starting up
+angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"
+
+Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have
+created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.
+
+"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?"
+
+"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, because
+while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one ear and
+looking forward into the middle of next week with the other--I mean the
+other eye--and I saw--"
+
+"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra.
+
+"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base
+caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff."
+
+"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
+
+"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which I
+must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his associates were endeavoring
+to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd's spirit anatomy
+by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd's
+training had not fitted him for an intellectual combat with superior
+women, and he suffered accordingly.
+
+[Illustration: KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED
+PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER]
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+
+"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily,"
+said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to narrate her story, "that I
+rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope
+she will spare a grandmother's feelings, if anything in the story she is
+about to tell is improper to be placed before the young. I have been so
+shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that have been
+published of late years, that I would interpose a protest while there is
+yet time if there is a line in Cassandra's story which ought to be
+withheld from the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity,
+and in the interests of morality everywhere."
+
+"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the
+prophetess. "What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure, even to
+the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration
+of man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little
+tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent study of New
+England character."
+
+"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said Mrs.
+Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon her gentle
+countenance. "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why
+modern literature generally has been so distressful to me. When you
+reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man's criminal instincts
+are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift
+the responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own, you will
+understand my position. We were about the most domestic old couple that
+ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of crimes that
+are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to
+realize what a pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been."
+
+"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all prepared
+to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced condition of
+wickedness to-day. Man has progressed since your time, my dear grandma,
+and the modern improvements in the science of crime are no more
+attributable to you than the invention of the telephone or the oyster
+cocktail is attributable to your lord and master."
+
+"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her knitting
+upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which she was making as a Christmas
+surprise for her husband.
+
+"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one very bad
+mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy which all men
+instinctively adopt when addressing women. When he entered the room he
+removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to convince
+me of the truth of his story, for with his hat removed I could see the
+workings of his mind. While you ladies were watching his lips or his eyes,
+some of you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of you
+hanging upon his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his
+imagination, and I saw, what you did not, _that he was drawing wholly upon
+that_!"
+
+"How extraordinary!" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Yes--and fortunate," said Cassandra. "Had I not done so, a week hence we
+should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging wickedness of the
+city of Paris."
+
+"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to the
+beautiful city by the Seine, "he told us we were going to Paris."
+
+[Illustration: "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"]
+
+"Of course he did," said Madame Récamier, "and in so many words. Certainly
+he was not drawing upon his imagination there."
+
+"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite de
+Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all. I fancy
+that I know enough about Paris to find my way about."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra. "What a foolish little thing you are! You
+don't imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, or even
+the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you? If you do you are
+very much mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of your danger and
+had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open with amazement at the
+change. You'd find your Louvre a very different sort of a place from what
+it used to be, my dear lady. Those pleasing little windows through which
+your relations were wont in olden times to indulge in target practice at
+people who didn't go to their church are now kept closed; the galleries
+which used to swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged,
+now swarm with pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the
+romance which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as
+yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would find
+yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious from other
+lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a minute, and
+traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which Mercury himself would
+stand aghast."
+
+"But my beloved Tuileries?" cried Marie Antoinette.
+
+"Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear," said
+Cassandra, gently. "Paris is no place for us, and it is the intention of
+these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and then desert us. Can
+you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious
+romantic past, basely deserted in the streets of a wholly strange,
+superficial, material city of to-day? What do you think, Elizabeth, would
+be your fate if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at an
+English door to-day, and when asked your name and profession were to
+reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of England'?"
+
+"Insane asylum," said Elizabeth, shortly.
+
+"Precisely. So in Paris with the rest of us," said Cassandra.
+
+"How do you know all this?" asked Trilby, still unconvinced.
+
+"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said Cassandra.
+"I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent
+detachable hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind into
+the future. I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient Troy,
+and if my revelations had been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not,
+still be doing business at the old stand, and Mr. Æneas would not have
+grown round-shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the
+opening night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by Virgil."
+
+"I never heard about that," said Trilby. "It sounds like a very funny
+story, though."
+
+"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said
+Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen. "The fact is, until you mentioned
+it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any
+portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of
+old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for stealing my thunder. I
+had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and said
+my eye to the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks couldn't get into
+Troy at all, even if they wanted to. And then the Greeks made a great
+wooden horse as a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze
+upon it I saw that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three
+artillery regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score. It was a sort of
+military Noah's Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so
+strong that nobody would believe what I told them. So I said nothing. My
+prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my warning
+as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non-fulfilment. But
+desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told him all about it, and
+he went out and announced it as his own private prophecy; and then, having
+tried to drown his conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the
+usual serpentine hallucination, and everybody said he wasn't sober, and
+therefore unworthy of belief. The horse was accepted, hauled into the
+city, and that night orders came from hindquarters to the regiments
+concealed inside to march. They marched, and next morning Troy had been
+removed from the map; ninety per cent. of the Trojans died suddenly, and
+Æneas, grabbing up his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went
+yachting for several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy. All of
+this could have been avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from
+my prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the result that
+to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy was, and we'll
+never tell."
+
+"It is all true," said Helen, proudly. "I was the woman who was at the
+bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told the truth,
+which is why she was always so unpopular. When anything that was
+unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn and say,
+sweetly, 'I told you so.' She was the original 'I told you so' nuisance,
+and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, because she never
+left them any sensation to spring upon the public. If she had only told a
+fib once in a while, the public would have had more confidence in her."
+
+"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen.
+"With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from taking my
+advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made
+his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with
+our being here than we had; they were as much surprised as we are to find
+us gone. Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and his object in
+taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits,
+vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and
+nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would have no
+sympathy for us in our misfortune, and no belief in our continued
+existence."
+
+"But what, then, shall we do?" cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in
+despair.
+
+"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it does
+seem as if our woman's instinct ought to show us some way out of our
+trouble."
+
+"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a
+chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster
+Newberg."
+
+"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my reticule,
+that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to renew my supply
+of poisons. I shall discharge her on my return home, for she knows that I
+never go anywhere without them; but that does not help matters at this
+juncture. The sad fact remains that I could prepare a thousand delicacies
+for these pirates without fatal results."
+
+"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe. "I could
+myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to a state of
+absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate."
+
+"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them,"
+suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle.
+
+"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. "We haven't time to waste on
+flippant suggestions. Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates,
+supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute the
+case."
+
+"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed
+Cleopatra. "If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be all
+right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to
+one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in our power,
+but they are not. They have gone through the refining process of
+dissolution once, and there's an end to that. Our only resource is in the
+line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, then we have ceased to
+be women."
+
+"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth. "And inasmuch as we have already
+provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the preparation of our
+plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible solution of
+the difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be
+requested to go at once into executive session, with orders not to come
+out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of campaign against
+our abductors. We must be rid of them. Let the Committee on Treachery say
+how."
+
+"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clear-headed young
+woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you."
+
+[Illustration: "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID
+MRS. NOAH"]
+
+The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair refused to
+entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and carried with a
+storm of approval.
+
+Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to
+Cleopatra, which read as follows:
+
+    "DEAR MADAME,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and
+    crew are hungry. Will you and your fair companions co-operate
+    with us in our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within
+    two hours? A speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a
+    coming storm, else we would prepare our supper ourselves. As it
+    is, we feel that your safety depends on our remaining on deck.
+    If there is any beer on the ice, we prefer it to tea. Two cases
+    will suffice.
+
+    "Yours respectfully,
+
+    "HENRY MORGAN, Bart., First Mate."
+
+"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have an
+idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full meeting at
+once."
+
+The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of operation,
+and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall have to wait for
+another chapter to learn.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+MAROONED
+
+
+When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, gazing
+intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful Shem had not
+deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly hewn pole set upon
+a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus Ward
+put it, "with the second joints reversed." It was in very truth a signal
+of distress.
+
+"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he peered
+through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there was an island
+of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain
+Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island that is."
+
+"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I didn't
+ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy. Therefore I--"
+
+"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I
+expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord
+Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I issue an order it must be
+obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and summon your
+marines. We may have work to do before night. Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on
+deck."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off.
+
+"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance at
+Blackstone.
+
+"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat.
+
+"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was I when
+I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate the full
+force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty."
+
+In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly found
+himself manacled and alone in the forecastle. Meanwhile Captain Cook, in
+response to the commander's order, repaired to the deck and scanned the
+distant coast.
+
+"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?"
+
+"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in the
+Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got out
+through the Strait of Gibraltar."
+
+"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson.
+
+"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please keep
+off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've been having a number
+of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me a lot of new points,
+which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the _Cimmerian Magazine_."
+
+"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes,
+angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I have
+brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to whistle up
+favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I brought you to give me
+information, and now when I ask for the name of a simple little island
+like that in plain sight there's not one of you able so much as to guess
+at it reasonably. The next man I ask for information goes into irons with
+Judge Blackstone if he doesn't answer me instantly with the information I
+want. Munchausen, what island is that?"
+
+"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the
+Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is? Why, you
+surprise me--"
+
+"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain
+question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time. Now
+it's irons or an answer. What island is that?"
+
+"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain," Munchausen
+responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty effort, "and it
+has never been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we'll call
+it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not stationary. It is a floating
+island of lava formation, and is a menace to every craft that goes to sea.
+I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is more barren than the
+desert of Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is
+devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh."
+
+"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him narrowly.
+
+"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now that
+he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander. There is a
+magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict real
+estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned substance that is
+lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship is wrecked, say, in the
+Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose metal upon her will succumb to
+the irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum, and will find
+its way to its shores. So in any other part of the earth. Everything
+metallic turns up here sooner or later; and when you consider that
+thousands of vessels go down every year, vessels which are provisioned
+with tinned foods only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of
+pounds of preserved salmon, sardines, _pâté de foie gras_, peaches, and so
+on, can be found strewn along its coast."
+
+"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek, coupled
+with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for once you are
+standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I admire you
+for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth
+occasionally. You are a man after my own heart. Come below and have a
+cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the _Gehenna_ during my absence;
+head her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new
+let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen's remarkable genius I
+proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may release Blackstone
+from his dilemma; and if you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see
+that they are lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of
+the Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture."
+
+With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two worthies
+were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while Doctor
+Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the floating
+island.
+
+"De Foe," said Johnson, "that ought to be a lesson to you. This realism
+that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your conscience;
+but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as
+to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You or I might now be
+drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only risen to the opportunity
+the way Munchausen did."
+
+[Illustration: "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"]
+
+"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted that
+kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn than that of
+Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave
+it."
+
+"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh,
+anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can see old Henry
+Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and
+his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him,
+yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in sight."
+
+"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked Johnson.
+
+"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone crazy.
+He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity. We'll have to
+be careful in our parleyings with these people," said Raleigh.
+
+"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his lips in
+enjoyment of the cocktail.
+
+"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook.
+
+"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take a
+crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard. Take the three
+musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any back talk.
+If they try any funny business, exorcise them."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been
+lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore. As they
+came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the rough,
+rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.
+
+[Illustration: "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY
+HILL-SIDE"]
+
+"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to back
+water, lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and swamp her.
+
+"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic nature.
+There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125 degrees, and
+seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has lost his reason;
+Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can see through him. As for
+myself, I am growing iridescent with anxiety, and unless I get off this
+infernal furnace I'll disappear like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake,
+then, General, take us off, on your own terms. We'll accept anything."
+
+As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew collapsed
+and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta was proof
+enough of his condition. He had become as clear as crystal, and had it not
+been for his rugged outlines he would hardly have been visible even to his
+fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and
+it was patent that his fears for himself were all too well founded.
+
+Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning subsequently
+for the others, and repaired with them at once to the _Gehenna_, where
+they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock Holmes. The first question
+he asked was as to the whereabouts of the House-boat.
+
+"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at the
+wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning,
+in search of food. It appears that when--acting in a wholly inexcusable
+fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of revenge--I made off
+with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if it were well stocked
+with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to get supper we
+discovered that the larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives,
+two salted almonds, and a soda cracker--not a luxurious feast for
+sixty-nine pirates and a hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to."
+
+"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had provided
+enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of
+the members on their return from the fight."
+
+"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too--salads,
+salmon glacé, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get at home we
+had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I saw to that
+before I went up the river."
+
+"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of base
+treachery on the part of those women."
+
+"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet, dryly.
+
+"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper save the
+items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see it all now. We had
+tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable
+personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were
+ungrateful."
+
+"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates.
+
+"We didn't want them," said Kidd. "We didn't know they were on board until
+it was too late to turn back. They'd broken in, and were having the club
+all to themselves in your absence."
+
+"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next time
+you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be a trifle
+more careful as to whose property you confiscate."
+
+"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in
+Raleigh, impatiently.
+
+"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite
+request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on board,
+something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we
+decided to go ashore at the first port and provision. Unfortunately the
+crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan loomed into view, to
+keep them good-natured we decided to land and see if we could beg, borrow,
+or steal some supplies. We had to. Observations taken with the sextant
+showed that there was no port within five hundred miles; the island looked
+as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every
+man of us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first
+we didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after
+three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were
+shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins burst
+right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and
+began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself; and as for
+Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a nap in the sun, and
+when he waked up, his whole right side had evaporated. Then we saw what
+the trouble was. We'd struck this lava island, and were gradually
+succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed madly back to the harbor to
+embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your House-boat, was slowly but
+surely disappearing over the horizon, and flying from the flag-staff at
+the fore were signals of farewell, with an unfeeling P.S. below to this
+effect: '_Don't wait up for us. We may not be back until late._'"
+
+There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself, while
+Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.
+
+"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
+whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no doubt
+that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and I must say
+that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it was desirable to
+be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by them, and they would
+have enjoyed themselves."
+
+"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot navigate
+that ship."
+
+"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged from
+the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge. What kind of a
+seaman she is I don't know."
+
+"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran us
+ashore on Ararat."
+
+"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen.
+
+"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want your
+yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead loss there,
+whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could have
+waited a month and landed on the seaboard."
+
+"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested Munchausen.
+
+"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has merely
+begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the question to be
+answered is--where?"
+
+"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd
+better look for her in the Himalayas."
+
+"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes.
+
+"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson.
+
+"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh.
+
+"Then elect him," suggested Ward.
+
+"What on earth for?" growled Johnson.
+
+"So that we can expel him," said Ward.
+
+And while Boswell's hero was trying to get the value of this notion
+through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and the _Gehenna_ was
+soon under way once more. Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put
+in irons and stowed away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in
+which Shylock lay in hiding.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+If there was anxiety on board of the _Gehenna_ as to the condition and
+whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness upon
+that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and her
+abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, having worked
+thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of perplexities
+bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted them. The sole
+representative of a sea-faring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did
+not require much time to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of an
+extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating.
+
+When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes Island,
+and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who had hitherto
+been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red in the face and to
+bustle about in a manner which betrayed considerable perturbation of
+spirit.
+
+"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-room
+window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast is clear,
+and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the vessel in your
+hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are in command. What do
+you wish us to do?"
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and starting for
+the deck. "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing to do is to get
+her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered whether this boat is a
+steamboat or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody know?"
+
+"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth, "although
+I don't know. It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me they'd had a
+naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the House-boat
+was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back at enormous
+expense. They put it in so that if she were carried away again she could
+get back of her own power."
+
+"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything about
+these new fangled notions. If there's any one here who knows anything
+about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak."
+
+"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory of it
+in a short while."
+
+"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you
+engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance. Set
+her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written order
+signed by me. We might as well be very careful, and have everything done
+properly, and it might happen that in the excitement of our trip you would
+misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error. Therefore, pay no
+attention to unwritten orders. That will do for you for the present.
+Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame Récamier, and ten other ladies,
+and, every morning before breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra,
+Tuesdays you will devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and
+the balance of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac.
+Dido, you always were strong at building fires. I'll make you chief
+stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen. Inasmuch as
+the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the usual line of
+poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's hands the
+responsibilities of the culinary department."
+
+"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I must
+confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a ship. A
+ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be. We
+didn't appoint you housekeeper."
+
+"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words. If I
+hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a reference;
+and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate
+insubordination. You may, all of you, have one night of the week and
+alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done. The regimen I am
+adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I didn't have the
+help I have now, and things got into very bad shape. We were out forty
+days, and, while the food was poor and the service execrable, we never
+lost a life."
+
+[Illustration: "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH
+ANY WORDS'"]
+
+The boat gave a slight tremor.
+
+"Hurrah," cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are off!"
+
+"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah, putting
+her shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first
+mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here before I return. Have the
+windows washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken up and
+shaken."
+
+Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks, had
+finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the engine
+going, and the wheel began to revolve.
+
+"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below.
+
+"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling up
+the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead very
+fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we were on a
+pivot."
+
+"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the side
+of the House-boat anxiously. "She certainly acts that way--like a
+merry-go-round."
+
+"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to hurry
+and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall be as
+badly off as ever."
+
+"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to
+the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied us fast."
+
+"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan, and
+have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can untie it."
+
+Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.
+
+"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!"
+
+"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like that on
+the Ark."
+
+Portia explained the science of the anchor.
+
+"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah. "How can we get away from it?"
+
+"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and have
+it pulled up."
+
+"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs. Noah,
+indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear Portia, is
+not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the rope with her
+scissors."
+
+"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth, who
+had been investigating. "It would be more to the purpose, I think, to chop
+it in two with an axe."
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is done as
+long as it is done quickly. It would never do for us to be recaptured
+now."
+
+The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself cut the
+hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe.
+
+"You _are_ an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra.
+
+"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over my
+head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't help
+familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities."
+
+"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel
+easier. It looks now as if we were really off."
+
+"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we are
+going backward."
+
+"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark half
+the time. It doesn't make any difference which way we are going as long as
+we go, does it?"
+
+"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking of?
+People who walk backward are in great danger of running into other people.
+Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a very dangerous piece
+of business, sailing backward."
+
+"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra. During
+the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward. It didn't
+make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe one way as
+another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main object now is to
+get away from the pirates, and that's what we are doing. Don't get
+emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge. If I think the
+boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go. If you don't like it, it
+is still not too late to put you ashore."
+
+The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all went
+well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller revolving reverse
+fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth had said, backing her
+way through the ocean.
+
+The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned pirates
+faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense fog.
+
+"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe, looking
+anxiously out of the port.
+
+"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly. "I'm sorry for those who have to
+be out in it."
+
+"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe. "It's going to be
+very hard on us keeping watch."
+
+"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her glasses
+at Xanthippe.
+
+"Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?" said
+Elizabeth.
+
+"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. "Perfectly absurd. We never did it on the
+Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want you all to go to bed at ten
+o'clock. I don't think the night air is good for you. Besides, it isn't
+proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she's new or not."
+
+"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become of the
+ship?"
+
+"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or not,"
+said the commander. "The Ark did, why not this? Now, girls, these
+new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense. It's night, and there's a
+fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us. If there were a hundred of you
+upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn't see anything. You might much
+better be in bed. As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I command
+you to stay below."
+
+"But--who is to steer?" queried Xanthippe.
+
+"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?" demanded
+Mrs. Noah. "I certainly don't intend to bother with that tiller until some
+reason for doing it arises. We haven't any place to steer to yet; we don't
+know where we are going. Now, my dear children, be reasonable, and don't
+worry me. I've had a very hard day of it, and I feel my responsibilities
+keenly. Just let me manage, and we'll come out all right. I've had more
+experience than any of you, and if--"
+
+A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks. The House-boat
+shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted and
+stood still. A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a hundred
+and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the deck, gazing
+with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by
+broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the stern-posts of the
+House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the sea.
+
+[Illustration: "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"]
+
+It was the _Gehenna_!
+
+The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, thanks to
+the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the floating club-house
+had withstood the shock of the impact and now rode the waters as
+gracefully as ever.
+
+Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in a
+short while chairs and life-preservers and tables--everything that could
+float--had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals therein.
+On board the _Gehenna_, those who had not cast themselves into the waters,
+under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly lowered the
+boats, and in a short while were not only able to felicitate themselves
+upon their safety, but had likewise the good fortune to rescue their more
+impetuous brethren who had preferred to swim for it. Ultimately, all were
+brought aboard the House-boat in safety, and the men in Hades were once
+more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and _fiancées_, and
+Elizabeth had the satisfaction of once more saving the life of Raleigh by
+throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so previously, when she
+and her brother had been upset in the swift current of the river Styx.
+
+Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House-boat
+and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth. The _Gehenna_
+went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the roll was called
+it was found that all who had set out upon her had returned in safety save
+Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not
+lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were found early one
+morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the
+top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for help.
+
+And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House-boat.
+Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more resumed,
+but with one slight difference.
+
+The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves of the
+privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of being men and
+to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even Xanthippe and
+Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their differences, and no
+longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled to wear the toga of
+authority. It has become for them a divided skirt.
+
+As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the effects of
+their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and are but shadows
+of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes has so endeared
+himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as popular with them as
+he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark river and be subjected to
+the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership at the House-boat on the Styx.
+
+Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+
+
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+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John Kendrick Bangs</title>
+<style type="text/css">
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+<body>
+<h1 class="pg">The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John
+Kendrick Bangs, Illustrated by Peter Newell</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat</p>
+<p>       Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades, under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.</p>
+<p>Author: John Kendrick Bangs</p>
+<p>Release Date: July 13, 2005  [eBook #16097]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h1>The Pursuit of The House-Boat</h1>
+<p class="cen"><em>Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings
+of the Associated Shades, under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes,
+Esq.</em></p>
+<h4>By</h4>
+<h2>John Kendrick Bangs</h2>
+<h3>Illustrated By Peter Newell</h3>
+<h4>New York and London</h4>
+<h3>Harper &amp; Brothers<br />
+Publishers</h3>
+<h4>1897</h4>
+<hr />
+<h4>TO</h4>
+<h3>A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ.</h3>
+<p class="cen">WITH THE AUTHOR&rsquo;S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS
+FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF HIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE
+THINGS POSSIBLE</p>
+<hr />
+<h2><a id="Contents" name="Contents"></a>Contents</h2>
+<ul>
+<li style="font-variant:small-caps;">Chapter
+<ol>
+<li><a href="#Ch_I">The Associated Shades Take Action</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_II">The Stranger Unravels a Mystery and Reveals
+Himself</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_III">The Search-Party is Organized</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_IV">On Board the House-Boat</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_V">A Conference on Deck</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_VI">A Conference Below-Stairs</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_VII">The &ldquo;Gehenna&rdquo; is
+Chartered</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_VIII">On Board the &ldquo;Gehenna.&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_IX">Captain Kidd Meets with an Obstacle</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_X">A Warning Accepted</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_XI">Marooned</a></li>
+<li><a href="#Ch_XII">The Escape and the End</a></li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li style="margin-top:2em;font-variant:small-caps;">Illustrations
+<ul style="font-size:0.9em;">
+<li><a href="#illo_01">&ldquo;&lsquo;DR. JOHNSON&rsquo;S POINT IS
+WELL TAKEN&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_02">&ldquo;&lsquo;WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO
+WITH THE QUESTION?&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_03">&ldquo;POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED
+OVERBOARD&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_04">&ldquo;THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF
+BUSINESS CARDS&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_05">&ldquo;THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET,
+WERE GIVEN&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_06">A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A
+BOTTLE</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_07">&ldquo;THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST
+THROUGH&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_08">&ldquo;&lsquo;HERE&rsquo;S A KETTLE OF
+FISH,&rsquo; SAID KIDD&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_09">MADAME R&Eacute;CAMIER HAS A PLAN</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_10">&ldquo;&lsquo;EVERY BLOOMIN&rsquo; MILLION
+WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN&rsquo; PAYABLE IN
+LONDON&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_11">QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR
+OF HER OLDEN POWER</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_12">&ldquo;&lsquo;THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS
+READY TO REPORT&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_13">&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN,
+SIR WALTER&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_14">&ldquo;IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD
+STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_15">JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE
+MIZZENTOP</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_16">SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_17">CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED
+BY PORTIA</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_18">KIDD&rsquo;S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO
+RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A
+STEAM-ATOMIZER</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_19">&ldquo;&lsquo;HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO
+PARIS&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_20">&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED
+YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,&rsquo; SAID MRS. NOAH&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_21">&ldquo;&lsquo;THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO
+YOU&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_22">&ldquo;THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE
+ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_23">&ldquo;&lsquo;NOW, MY CHILD,&rsquo; SAID
+MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, &lsquo;I DO NOT WISH ANY
+WORDS&rsquo;&rdquo;</a></li>
+<li><a href="#illo_24">&ldquo;A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE
+REAR&rdquo;</a></li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+<h2>The Pursuit of the House-Boat</h2>
+<h3><a name="Ch_I" id="Ch_I">I</a></h3>
+<h2>The Associated Shades Take Action</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon
+the River Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn
+from its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that
+vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most
+ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night had they
+come, and for no better reason than that the Captain had been
+unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with
+self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating
+club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force
+of circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also
+the fair Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other
+strong-minded and beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the
+men thereof were rendered desolate.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t stand it!&rdquo; cried Raleigh,
+desperately, as with his accustomed grace he presided over a
+special meeting of the club, called on the bank of the inky Stygian
+stream, at the point where the missing boat had been moored.
+&ldquo;Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of
+Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social
+diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men
+in the universe! Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t take on so, my dear Sir Walter,&rdquo; said
+Socrates, cheerfully. &ldquo;What&rsquo;s the use of going into
+hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschew that luxury.
+Xanthippe is with them, and I&rsquo;ll warrant you that when that
+cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea,
+say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank,
+and voluntarily at that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But the House-boat itself,&rdquo; murmured Noah, sadly.
+&ldquo;That was my delight. It reminded me in some respects of the
+Ark.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The law of compensation enters in there, my dear
+Commodore,&rdquo; retorted Socrates. &ldquo;For me, with Xanthippe
+abroad I do not need a club to go to; I can stay at home and take
+my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe always compelled me to
+dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the
+finger.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, we didn&rsquo;t all marry Xanthippe,&rdquo; put in
+C&aelig;sar, firmly, &ldquo;therefore we are not all satisfied with
+the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir Walter that
+something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and do
+nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with
+impunity?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all,&rdquo; interposed Bonaparte. &ldquo;The time
+for action has arrived. All things considered he is welcome to
+Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of
+that kind breaks my heart.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No question about it,&rdquo; observed Dr. Johnson.
+&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to do something if it is only for the sake
+of appearances. The question really is, what shall be done
+first?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and
+considering the matter of further action afterwards,&rdquo;
+suggested Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion that made the
+members unanimous upon the necessity for immediate action, for when
+the assembled spirits called for their various favorite beverages
+it was found that there were none to be had, it being Sunday, and
+all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were licensed to
+be sold being closed&mdash;for at the time of writing the local
+government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What!&rdquo; cried Socrates. &ldquo;Nothing but Styx
+water and vitriol, Sundays? Then the House-boat must be recovered
+whether Xanthippe comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for
+immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be captured at
+once and made an example of.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, Socrates,&rdquo; put in Lindley Murray,
+&ldquo;but, ah&mdash;pray speak in Greek hereafter, will you,
+please? When you attempt English you have a beastly way of working
+up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to the ear of a
+purist.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is no time to discuss style, Murray,&rdquo;
+interposed Sir Walter. &ldquo;Socrates may speak and spell like
+Chaucer if he pleases; he may even part his infinitives in the
+middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater moment in
+hand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We must ransack the earth,&rdquo; cried Socrates,
+&ldquo;until we find that boat. I&rsquo;m dry as a fish.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There he goes again!&rdquo; growled Murray. &ldquo;Dry as
+a fish! What fish I&rsquo;d like to know is dry?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Red herrings,&rdquo; retorted Socrates; and there was a
+great laugh at the expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who
+had grown more and more melancholy and morbid since the abduction
+of Ophelia, joined.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then it is settled,&rdquo; said Raleigh; &ldquo;something
+must be done. And now the point is, what?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Relief expeditions have a way of finding things,&rdquo;
+suggested Dr. Livingstone. &ldquo;Or rather of being found by the
+things they go out to relieve. I propose that we send out a number
+of them. I will take Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into
+Europe; General Washington may have North America;
+and&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I beg pardon,&rdquo; put in Dr. Johnson, &ldquo;but have
+you any idea, Dr. Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on
+this House-boat of ours and is having it dragged across the Sahara
+by mules or camels?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No such absurd idea ever entered my head,&rdquo; retorted
+the Doctor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is
+engaged in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing
+down the Alps?&rdquo; persisted the philosopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all. Why do you ask?&rdquo; queried the African
+explorer, irritably.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Because I wish to know,&rdquo; said Johnson. &ldquo;That
+is always my motive in asking questions. You propose to go looking
+for a house-boat in Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead
+an expedition in search of it through Europe&mdash;all of which
+strikes me as nonsense. This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of
+landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to look for it in the
+heart of China. What earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I
+fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour the sea,
+unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd
+has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for a
+roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other
+purpose for which neither he nor it was designed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Dr. Johnson&rsquo;s point is well taken,&rdquo; said a
+stranger who had been sitting upon the string-piece of the pier,
+quietly, but with very evident interest, listening to the
+discussion. He was a tall and excessively slender shade,
+&ldquo;like a spirt of steam out of a teapot,&rdquo; as Johnson put
+it afterwards, so slight he seemed. &ldquo;I have not the honor of
+being a member of this association,&rdquo; the stranger continued,
+&ldquo;but, like all well-ordered shades, I aspire to the
+distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of
+this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish our
+initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully
+appropriated your property to his own base uses does not
+contemplate removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere
+inland. All the evidence in hand points to a radically different
+conclusion, which is my sole reason for doubting the value of that
+conclusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by instinct, not a landsman.
+The House-boat is not a house, but a boat; therefore the place to
+look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well says, in the Sahara
+Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but upon the high
+sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world&rsquo;s great
+cities.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_01.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_01.jpg" alt=
+"A group of men listen to a proper-looking man" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;DR. JOHNSON&rsquo;S POINT IS WELL TAKEN&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_01" name="illo_01" width="216" height="174" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;DR. JOHNSON&rsquo;S POINT IS WELL
+TAKEN&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;And what, then, would be your plan?&rdquo; asked Sir
+Walter, impressed by the stranger&rsquo;s manner as well as by the
+very manifest reason in all that he had said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and
+equipped for the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the
+House-boat has sailed, for what port, and start at once. Have you a
+model of the House-boat within reach?&rdquo; returned the
+stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think not; we have the architect&rsquo;s plans,
+however,&rdquo; said the chairman.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We had, Mr. Chairman,&rdquo; said Demosthenes, who was
+secretary of the House Committee, rising, &ldquo;but they are gone
+with the House-boat itself. They were kept in the safe in the
+hold.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s too bad,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;It was a
+most important part of my plan that we should know about how fast
+the House-boat was.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Humph!&rdquo; ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed
+sarcasm. &ldquo;If you&rsquo;ll take Xanthippe&rsquo;s word for it,
+the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I refer to the matter of speed in sailing,&rdquo;
+returned the stranger, quietly. &ldquo;The question of its ethical
+speed has nothing to do with it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The designer of the craft is here,&rdquo; said Sir
+Walter, fixing his eyes upon Sir Christopher Wren. &ldquo;It is
+possible that he may be of assistance in settling that
+point.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow,
+Mr. Chairman?&rdquo; asked Solomon, rising impatiently and
+addressing Sir Walter. &ldquo;We aren&rsquo;t preparing for a
+yacht-race that I know of. Nobody&rsquo;s after a cup, or a
+championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back.
+The Captain hasn&rsquo;t taken more than half of mine along with
+him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on
+board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what
+earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this question of
+speed in the House-boat. It strikes me as a woful waste of time,
+and rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all rules and
+listen to the talk of an entire stranger.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_02.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_02.jpg" alt=
+"A kingly man addresses the surrounding gentlemen" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_02" name="illo_02" width="154" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE
+QUESTION?&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon,&rdquo;
+said Johnson, dryly, &ldquo;but I must say that the
+gentleman&rsquo;s remarks rather interest me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course they do,&rdquo; ejaculated Solomon. &ldquo;He
+agreed with you. That ought to make him interesting to everybody.
+Freaks usually are.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is not the reason at all,&rdquo; retorted Dr.
+Johnson. &ldquo;Cold water agrees with me, but it doesn&rsquo;t
+interest me. What I do think, however, is that our unknown friend
+seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are confronted,
+and he&rsquo;s going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive
+fashion. I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and
+that the privileges of the&mdash;ah&mdash;of the wharf be extended
+indefinitely to our friend on the string-piece.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the
+stranger resumed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King
+Solomon, whose wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance as
+the husband of three hundred wives has filled me with
+wonder,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;that before starting in pursuit of
+the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the
+purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential
+that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we
+desire to overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the
+House-boat can sail four knots an hour, to attempt to overhaul her
+with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two
+knots an hour.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear! hear!&rdquo; ejaculated C&aelig;sar.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the
+speed of your late club-house,&rdquo; said the stranger, bowing
+courteously to Solomon. &ldquo;Now if Sir Christopher Wren can give
+me her measurements, we can very soon determine at about what rate
+she is leaving us behind under favorable circumstances.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;Tisn&rsquo;t necessary for Sir Christopher to do
+anything of the sort,&rdquo; said Noah, rising and manifesting
+somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed to require. &ldquo;As
+long as we are discussing the question I will take the liberty of
+stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer of
+the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham,
+and Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that
+statement.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr.
+Chairman,&rdquo; assented Sir Christopher, with cutting frigidity.
+&ldquo;I am perfectly willing to admit that practically the two
+vessels were built on the same lines, but with modifications which
+would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward and back in
+six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover the
+same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the
+excursion steamers into the bargain.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bosh!&rdquo; ejaculated Noah, angrily. &ldquo;Strip your
+old tub down to a flying balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and
+ballast the Ark with elephants until every inch of her reeked with
+ivory and peanuts, and she&rsquo;d outfoot you on every leg, in a
+cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and your
+House-boat wouldn&rsquo;t be within hailing distance of her five
+minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas
+spread before a gale.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This discussion is waxing very unprofitable,&rdquo;
+observed Confucius. &ldquo;If these gentlemen cannot be made to
+confine themselves to the subject that is agitating this body, I
+move we call in the authorities and have them confined in the
+bottomless pit.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I did not precipitate the quarrel,&rdquo; said Noah.
+&ldquo;I was merely trying to assist our friend on the
+string-piece. I was going to say that as the Ark was probably a
+hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren&rsquo;s&mdash;tub,
+which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the
+excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a
+wash-tub&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Order! order!&rdquo; cried Sir Christopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled
+by a launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a
+month,&rdquo; continued Noah, ignoring the interruption.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!&rdquo;
+sneered Sir Christopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner,
+I&rsquo;ll admit,&rdquo; retorted Noah, &ldquo;if she&rsquo;d
+sprung a leak at the right time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Granting the truth of Noah&rsquo;s statement,&rdquo; said
+Sir Walter, motioning to the angry architect to be
+quiet&mdash;&ldquo;not that we take any side in the issue between
+the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument&mdash;I wish
+to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in
+our trouble what he proposes to do&mdash;how can you establish your
+course in case a boat were provided?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?&rdquo; put in
+Shylock.</p>
+<p>A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The cost need not trouble you, sir,&rdquo; said Sir
+Walter, indignantly, addressing the stranger; &ldquo;you will have
+carte blanche.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Den ve are ruint!&rdquo; cried Shylock, displaying his
+palms, and showing by that act a select assortment of diamond
+rings.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; laughed the stranger, &ldquo;that is a simple
+matter. Captain Kidd has gone to London.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To London!&rdquo; cried several members at once.
+&ldquo;How do you know that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By this,&rdquo; said the stranger, holding up the tiny
+stub end of a cigar.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut-tut!&rdquo; ejaculated Solomon. &ldquo;What
+child&rsquo;s play this is!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, your Majesty,&rdquo; observed the stranger, &ldquo;it
+is not child&rsquo;s play; it is fact. That cigar end was thrown
+aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd just before he stepped on
+board the House-boat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How do you know that?&rdquo; demanded Raleigh. &ldquo;And
+granting the truth of the assertion, what does it prove?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will tell you,&rdquo; said the stranger. And he at once
+proceeded as follows.</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_II" id="Ch_II">II</a></h3>
+<h2>The Stranger Unravels a Mystery and Reveals Himself</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends,&rdquo;
+said the stranger, as the Associated Shades settled back to hear
+his account of himself. &ldquo;From my earliest youth, when I used
+surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked ends of my father&rsquo;s
+cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an old clay
+pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of my
+acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even
+including these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey
+to my mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies
+which to your minds would never become manifest through their
+agency.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more
+compact mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were
+beginning to feel an unusual interest in this extraordinary person,
+who had come among them unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock
+stopped calculating percentages for an instant to listen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you mean to tell us,&rdquo; demanded Shakespeare,
+&ldquo;that the unsmoked stub of a cigar will suggest the story of
+him who smoked it to your mind?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I do,&rdquo; replied the stranger, with a confident
+smile. &ldquo;Take this one, for instance, that I have picked up
+here upon the wharf; it tells me the whole story of the intentions
+of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter disregard of your
+rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in his usual
+piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But how do you know he smoked it?&rdquo; asked Solomon,
+who deemed it the part of wisdom to be suspicious of the
+stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There are two curious indentations in it which prove
+that. The marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will
+see if you look closely,&rdquo; said the stranger, handing the
+small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, &ldquo;make that point evident
+beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eye-tooth in one of his
+later raids; it was knocked out by a marline-spike which had been
+hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasure-ship he and his
+followers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not
+removed. The cigar end bears the marks of those two jagged molars,
+with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated, is due to the
+destruction of the eye-tooth between them. It is not likely that
+there was another man in the pirate&rsquo;s crew with teeth exactly
+like the commander&rsquo;s, therefore I say there can be no doubt
+that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very interesting indeed,&rdquo; observed Blackstone,
+removing his wig and fanning himself with it; &ldquo;but I must
+confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any properly constituted law court
+this evidence would long since have been ruled out as irrelevant
+and absurd. The idea of two or three hundred dignified spirits like
+ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for the recovery of
+our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the floor to the
+delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on &lsquo;Cigar Ends
+He Has Met,&rsquo; strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what
+earthly interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was
+smoked by Captain Kidd?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover
+the whereabouts of the said Kidd,&rdquo; interposed the stranger.
+&ldquo;It is by trifles, seeming trifles, that the greatest
+detective work is done. My friends Le Coq, Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth
+will bear me out in this, I think, however much in other respects
+our methods may have differed. They left no stone unturned in the
+pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling, uncared for. No
+more should we in the present instance overlook the minutest bit of
+evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it may
+appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven
+in the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured
+somewhat conspicuously, but which I have never made public, because
+it involves a secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest
+families in the British Empire. I really believe that mystery was
+solved easily and at once because I happened to remember that the
+number of my watch was 86507B. How trivial a thing, and yet how
+important it was, as the event transpired, you will realize when I
+tell you the incident.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The stranger&rsquo;s manner was so impressive that there was a
+unanimous and simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to
+get up closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as a
+result of which poor old Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell
+with a loud splash into the Styx. Fortunately, however, one of
+Charon&rsquo;s pleasure-boats was close at hand, and in a short
+while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it, wrung out,
+and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversion
+having subsided, Solomon asked:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What was the incident of the lost tiara?&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_03.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_03.jpg" alt="A man falls overboard into the water"
+title="&ldquo;POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_03" name="illo_03" width="147" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;I am about to tell you,&rdquo; returned the stranger;
+&ldquo;and it must be understood that you are told in the strictest
+confidence, for, as I say, the incident involves a state secret of
+great magnitude. In life&mdash;in the mortal life&mdash;gentlemen,
+I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say it, who perhaps
+should not, I was one of the most interesting for purely literary
+purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary to
+go about saying &lsquo;Ha! ha!&rsquo; as M. Le Coq was accustomed
+to do to advertise his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as
+a drum-major and hide under a kitchen-table for the purpose of
+solving a mystery involving the abduction of a parlor stove, after
+the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By mental concentration alone,
+without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment of any sort
+whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very reason
+many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real detective
+work into that line of the business with which the stage has
+familiarized the most of us&mdash;a line in which nothing but
+stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required of him who pursues
+it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This man is an impostor,&rdquo; whispered Le Coq to
+Hawkshaw.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve known that all along by the mole on his left
+wrist,&rdquo; returned Hawkshaw, contemptuously.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I suspected it the minute I saw he was not
+disguised,&rdquo; returned Le Coq, knowingly. &ldquo;I have
+observed that the greatest villains latterly have discarded
+disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no
+avail, and merely a useless expense.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Silence!&rdquo; cried Confucius, impatiently. &ldquo;How
+can the gentleman proceed, with all this conversation going on in
+the rear?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went
+on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the
+lost tiara,&rdquo; resumed the stranger. &ldquo;Mental
+concentration upon seemingly insignificant details alone enabled me
+to bring about the desired results in that instance. A brief
+outline of the case is as follows: It was late one evening in the
+early spring of 1894. The London season was at its height. Dances,
+f&ecirc;tes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full
+blast, when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most
+audacious robbery. A diamond tiara valued at &pound;50,000 sterling
+had been stolen from the Duchess of Brokedale, and under
+circumstances which threw society itself and every individual in it
+under suspicion&mdash;even his Royal Highness the Prince himself,
+for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known to be
+a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven
+o&rsquo;clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to
+my ears. I had been spending the evening alone in my library making
+notes for a second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat
+depressed, I was on the point of going out for my usual midnight
+walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of my servants, hastily entering,
+informed me of the robbery. I changed my mind in respect to my
+midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for I knew that
+before one o&rsquo;clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings
+with reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any
+mystery of such magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau
+than elephants could fly&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They used to,&rdquo; said Adam. &ldquo;I once had a whole
+aviary full of winged elephants. They flew from flower to flower,
+and thrusting their probabilities deep into&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Their what?&rdquo; queried Johnson, with a frown.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Probabilities&mdash;isn&rsquo;t that the word? Their
+trunks,&rdquo; said Adam.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Probosces, I imagine you mean,&rdquo; suggested
+Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes&mdash;that was it. Their probosces,&rdquo; said Adam.
+&ldquo;They were great honey-gatherers, those elephants&mdash;far
+better than the bees, because they could make so much more of it in
+a given time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Munchausen shook his head sadly. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m afraid
+I&rsquo;m outclassed by these antediluvians,&rdquo; he said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Gentlemen! gentlemen!&rdquo; cried Sir Walter.
+&ldquo;These interruptions are inexcusable!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I think,&rdquo; said the stranger, with
+some asperity. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m having about as hard a time getting
+this story out as I would if it were a serial. Of course, if you
+gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop; but it must be
+understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and for all,
+because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes to
+warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve
+months.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Go on! go on!&rdquo; cried some.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Shut up!&rdquo; cried others&mdash;addressing the
+interrupting members, of course.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;As I was saying,&rdquo; resumed the stranger, &ldquo;I
+felt confident that within an hour, in some way or other, that case
+would be placed in my hands. It would be mine either positively or
+negatively&mdash;that is to say, either the person robbed would
+employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the diamonds, or
+the robber himself, actuated by motives of self-preservation, would
+endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he should
+have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten booty. A mental
+discussion of the probabilities inclined me to believe that the
+latter would be the case. I reasoned in this fashion: The person
+robbed is of exalted rank. She cannot move rapidly because she is
+so. Great bodies move slowly. It is probable that it will be a week
+before, according to the etiquette by which she is hedged about,
+she can communicate with me. In the first place, she must inform
+one of her attendants that she has been robbed. He must communicate
+the news to the functionary in charge of her residence, who will
+communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will issue the
+orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally
+address themselves to me. &lsquo;I&rsquo;ll give that side two
+weeks,&rsquo; I said. On the other hand, the robber: will he allow
+himself to be lulled into a false sense of security by counting on
+this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally
+entering upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own
+volition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some
+crime that has never been committed? My feeling was that this would
+happen, and I pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time
+for him to arrive. The robbery had taken place at a state ball at
+the Buckingham Palace. &lsquo;H&rsquo;m!&rsquo; I mused. &lsquo;He
+has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It is now twelve
+twenty. He should be here by twelve forty-five. I will wait.&rsquo;
+And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the
+meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had I
+perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I rose with a
+smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door,
+and there stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose
+tiara was missing. It was the Duke of Brokedale himself. It is true
+he was disguised. His beard was powdered until it looked like snow,
+and he wore a wig and a pair of green goggles; but I recognized him
+at once by his lack of manners, which is an unmistakable sign of
+nobility. As I opened the door, he began:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are Mr.&mdash;&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I am,&rsquo; I replied. &lsquo;Come in. You have
+come to see me about your stolen watch. It is a gold hunting-case
+watch with a Swiss movement; loses five minutes a day; stem-winder;
+and the back cover, which does not bear any inscription, has upon
+it the indentations made by the molars of your son Willie when that
+interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wonderful!&rdquo; cried Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;May I ask how you knew all that?&rdquo; asked Solomon,
+deeply impressed. &ldquo;Such penetration strikes me as
+marvellous.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know it,&rdquo; replied the stranger, with
+a smile. &ldquo;What I said was intended to be jocular, and to put
+Brokedale at his ease. The Americans present, with their usual
+astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. I merely rattled on. I
+simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by letting him know
+that I had penetrated his disguise. Imagine my surprise, however,
+when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with
+such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his
+beard was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting down in the chair I
+had just vacated, he quietly remarked:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know
+that I had lost my watch?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was
+completely staggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had
+not lost his watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to
+have him take my words seriously was entirely unexpected and
+overwhelmingly surprising. However, in view of his rank, I deemed
+it well to fall in with his humor. &lsquo;Oh, as for that,&rsquo; I
+replied, &lsquo;that is a part of my business. It is the
+detective&rsquo;s place to know everything; and generally, if he
+reveals the machinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions,
+he is a fool, since his method is his secret, and his secret his
+stock in trade. I do not mind telling you, however, that I knew
+your watch was stolen by your anxious glance at my clock, which
+showed that you wished to know the time. Now most rich Americans
+have watches for that purpose, and have no hesitation about showing
+them. If you&rsquo;d had a watch, you&rsquo;d have looked at it,
+not at my clock.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about
+my being a wonderful man.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;And the dents which my son made cutting his
+teeth?&rsquo; he added.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Invariably go with an American&rsquo;s watch.
+Rubber or ivory rings aren&rsquo;t good enough for American babies
+to chew on,&rsquo; said I. &lsquo;They must have gold watches or
+nothing.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;And finally, how did you know I was a rich
+American?&rsquo; he asked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like
+the Savoy in the height of the season,&rsquo; I replied, thinking
+that the jest would end there, and that he would now reveal his
+identity and speak of the tiara. To my surprise, however, he did
+nothing of the sort.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You have an almost supernatural gift,&rsquo; he
+said. &lsquo;My name is Bunker. I <em>am</em> stopping at the
+Savoy. I <em>am</em> an American. I <em>was</em> rich when I
+arrived here, but I&rsquo;m not quite so bloated with wealth as I
+was, now that I have paid my first week&rsquo;s bill. I
+<em>have</em> lost my watch; such a watch, too, as you describe,
+even to the dents. Your only mistake was that the dents were made
+by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot but wonder
+at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that it
+sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart. The watch
+has no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are
+such that I want it back, and I will pay &pound;200 for its
+recovery. I have no clew as to who took it. It was
+numbered&mdash;&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of
+the watch I had merely described my own, a very cheap affair which
+I had won at a raffle. My visitor was deceiving me, though for what
+purpose I did not on the instant divine. No one would like to
+suspect him of having purloined his wife&rsquo;s tiara. Why should
+I not deceive him, and at the same time get rid of my poor
+chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a
+hundredfold?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Good business!&rdquo; cried Shylock.</p>
+<p>The stranger smiled and bowed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excellent,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;I took the words right
+out of his mouth. &lsquo;It was numbered 86507B!&rsquo; I cried,
+giving, of course, the number of my own watch.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled.
+&lsquo;You grow more marvellous at every step. That was indeed the
+number. Are you a demon?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;No,&rsquo; I replied. &lsquo;Only something of a
+mind-reader.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look
+for a watch that I knew he hadn&rsquo;t lost, and was to receive
+&pound;200 if I found it. It seemed to him to be a very good
+bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view, feeling, as he
+did, that there never having been any such watch, it could not be
+recovered, and little suspecting that two could play at his little
+game of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist a
+ten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This business
+concluded, he started to go.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Won&rsquo;t you have a little Scotch?&rsquo; I
+asked, as he started, feeling, with all that prospective profit in
+view, I could well afford the expense. &lsquo;It is a stormy
+night.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Thanks, I will,&rsquo; said he, returning and
+seating himself by my table&mdash;still, to my surprise, keeping
+his hat on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Let me take your hat,&rsquo; I said, little
+thinking that my courtesy would reveal the true state of affairs.
+The mere mention of the word hat brought about a terrible change in
+my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew ghastly, and he
+clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He then nervously
+removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark running about his
+forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat
+fitted too tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating
+outline of nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex of
+the uppermost extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a
+shilling, that could have been made only by some adamantine
+substance! The mystery was solved! The robber of the Duchess of
+Brokedale stood before me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled
+spirits, and even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the
+presence of such genius.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was
+completely at my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it
+concealed in the lining of his hat. I rose and locked the door. My
+visitor sank with a groan into my chair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Why did you do that?&rsquo; he stammered, as I
+turned the key in the lock.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,&rsquo;
+I said, dryly. &lsquo;Now, my lord,&rsquo; I added, &lsquo;it will
+pay your Grace to let me have your hat. I know who you are. You are
+the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale has lost a valuable
+tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch. Somebody has
+stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is a Bunker
+who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of it
+all is,&rsquo; I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a
+couple of loaded six-shooters out of my escritoire&mdash;&lsquo;the
+queer part of it all is that I have the watch and you have the
+tiara. We&rsquo;ll swap the swag. Hand over the bauble,
+please.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;But&mdash;&rsquo; he began.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;We won&rsquo;t have any butting, your
+Grace,&rsquo; said I. &lsquo;I&rsquo;ll give you the watch, and you
+needn&rsquo;t mind the &pound;200; and you must give me the tiara,
+or I&rsquo;ll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a
+search made of your hat. It won&rsquo;t pay you to defy me. Give it
+up.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there
+lay the tiara, snugly stowed away behind the head-band.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are a great fellow.&rsquo; said I, as I held
+the tiara up to the light and watched with pleasure the flashing
+brilliance of its gems.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I beg you&rsquo;ll not expose me,&rsquo; he
+moaned. &lsquo;I was driven to it by necessity.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Not I,&rsquo; I replied. &lsquo;As long as you
+play fair it will be all right. I&rsquo;m not going to keep this
+thing. I&rsquo;m not married, and so have no use for such a trifle;
+but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retains me
+to find it, and then I&rsquo;ll find it and get the reward. If you
+keep perfectly still, I&rsquo;ll have it found in such a fashion
+that you&rsquo;ll never be suspected. If, on the other hand, you
+say a word about to-night&rsquo;s events, I&rsquo;ll hand you over
+to the police.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Humph!&rsquo; he said. &lsquo;You couldn&rsquo;t
+prove a case against me.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I can prove any case against anybody,&rsquo; I
+retorted. &lsquo;If you don&rsquo;t believe it, read my
+book,&rsquo; I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ve read it,&rsquo; he answered, &lsquo;and
+I ought to have known better than to come here. I thought you were
+only a literary success.&rsquo; And with a deep-drawn sigh he took
+the watch and went out. Ten days later I was retained by the
+Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I found the
+tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the &pound;5000
+reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter,
+and afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow,
+and was driven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his
+creditors, and the following Christmas he sent me the watch I had
+given him, with the best wishes of the season.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a
+mental concentration of no mean order, combined with strict
+observance of the pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair
+to become a great diamond mystery; and when I say that this cigar
+end proves certain things to my mind, it does not become you to
+doubt the value of my conclusions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear! hear!&rdquo; cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with
+enthusiasm.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Your name? your name?&rdquo; came from all parts of the
+wharf.</p>
+<p>The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew
+forth a bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the
+prestidigitator tosses playing-cards, out among the audience, and
+on each of them was found printed the words:</p>
+<div style="width:60%;margin:auto;border:thin black solid;">
+<p class="cen">SHERLOCK HOLMES,</p>
+<p class="cen" style="font-size:80%;">DETECTIVE.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="cen sc" style="font-size:80%;">Ferreting Done Here.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="cen"><em>Plots for Sale.</em></p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;I think he made a mistake in not taking the &pound;200
+for the watch. Such carelessness destroys my confidence in
+him,&rdquo; said Shylock, who was the first to recover from the
+surprise of the revelation.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_04.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_04.jpg" alt=
+"The proper-looking man flings cards to the group of men" title=
+"&ldquo;THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS&rdquo;"
+id="illo_04" name="illo_04" width="188" height="234" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS
+CARDS&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<h3><a name="Ch_III" id="Ch_III">III</a></h3>
+<h2>The Search-Party is Organized</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, Mr. Holmes,&rdquo; said Sir Walter Raleigh, after
+three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by
+the assembled spirits, &ldquo;after this demonstration in your
+honor I think it is hardly necessary for me to assure you of our
+hearty co-operation in anything you may venture to suggest. There
+is still manifest, however, some desire on the part of the
+ever-wise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you
+deduce that Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which
+you hold in your hand.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_05.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_05.jpg" alt="The group of men give a rousing cheer"
+title=
+"&ldquo;THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_05" name="illo_05" width="160" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE
+GIVEN&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;I can easily satisfy their curiosity,&rdquo; said
+Sherlock Holmes, genially. &ldquo;I believe I have already proven
+that it is the end of Kidd&rsquo;s cigar. The marks of the teeth
+have shown that. Now observe how closely it is smoked&mdash;there
+is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his teeth.
+Now Captain Kidd would hardly have risked the edges of his mustache
+and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very
+light if he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances
+have smoked it that far unless he were passionately addicted to
+this particular brand of the weed. Therefore I say to you, first,
+this was his cigar; second, it was the last one he had; third, he
+is a confirmed smoker. The result, he has gone to the one place in
+the world where these Connecticut hand-rolled Havana
+cigars&mdash;for I recognize this as one of them&mdash;have a real
+popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that
+is at London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of a
+London hotel. If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I
+should have been able definitely to locate the hotel itself. The
+wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the
+different hotels. The Metropole cigar can be smoked a quarter
+through before its wrapper gives way; the Grand wrapper goes as
+soon as you light the cigar; whereas the Savoy, fronting on the
+Thames, is surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the others, and,
+as a consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most people
+are willing to throw the whole thing away.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is really a wonderful art!&rdquo; said Solomon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?&rdquo; laughed
+Holmes. &ldquo;Not at all. Give me a head of lettuce and a straw,
+and I&rsquo;ll make you a box.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I referred to your art&mdash;that of detection,&rdquo;
+said Solomon. &ldquo;Your logic is perfect; step by step we have
+been led to the irresistible conclusion that Kidd has made for
+London, and can be found at one of these hotels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in
+the neighborhood of Scotland Yard,&rdquo; put in Holmes, quickly,
+observing a sneer on Hawkshaw&rsquo;s lips, and hastening to
+overwhelm him by further evidence of his ingenuity. &ldquo;When he
+gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so wide that he will
+be seized with jealousy to think of how much more refined his
+profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique he
+will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his
+modern prototypes, he will leave his account unpaid, with the
+result that the affair will be put in the hands of the police,
+under which circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the
+famous police headquarters will be the safest hiding-place he can
+find, as was instanced by the remarkable case of the famous
+Penstock bond robbery. A certain church-warden named Hinkley,
+having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial
+Bank of &pound;1,000,000 in bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually
+joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to
+find himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have
+been found had he not crossed my path.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered
+profane words under his breath.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;re not in the same class with this fellow,
+Hawkshaw,&rdquo; said Le Coq. &ldquo;You could tap your forehead
+knowingly eight hours a day through all eternity with a
+sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nevertheless I&rsquo;ll confound him yet,&rdquo; growled
+the jealous detective. &ldquo;I shall myself go to London, and,
+disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this visionary on until he
+comes there to arrest me, and when these club members discover that
+it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth, we&rsquo;ll have a
+great laugh on Sherlock Holmes.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery
+mystery,&rdquo; said Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him
+and settling back against one of the spiles of the wharf.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So are we all,&rdquo; said Sir Walter. &ldquo;But
+meantime the House-boat is getting farther away.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not unless she&rsquo;s sailing backwards,&rdquo; sneered
+Noah, who was still nursing his resentment against Sir Christopher
+Wren for his reflections upon the speed of the Ark.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the hurry?&rdquo; asked Socrates. &ldquo;I
+believe in making haste slowly; and on the admission of our two
+eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and Noah, neither of
+their vessels can travel more than a mile a week, and if we charter
+the <em>Flying Dutchman</em> to go in pursuit of her we can catch
+her before she gets out of the Styx into the Atlantic.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in
+commission,&rdquo; suggested Munchausen, dryly. &ldquo;I for one
+would rather take a state-room in Jonah&rsquo;s whale than go
+aboard the <em>Flying Dutchman</em> again. I made one trip on the
+<em>Dutchman</em>, and she&rsquo;s worse than a dory for comfort;
+furthermore, I don&rsquo;t see what good it would do us to charter
+a boat that can&rsquo;t land oftener than once in seven years, and
+spends most of her time trying to double the Cape of Good
+Hope.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My whale is in commission,&rdquo; said Jonah, with
+dignity. &ldquo;But Baron Munchausen need not consider the question
+of taking a state-room aboard of her. She doesn&rsquo;t carry
+second-class passengers. And if I took any stock in the idea of a
+trip on the <em>Flying Dutchman</em> amounting to a seven
+years&rsquo; exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron&rsquo;s
+expenses for a round trip.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We are losing time, gentlemen,&rdquo; suggested Sherlock
+Holmes. &ldquo;This is a moment, I think, when you should lay aside
+personal differences and personal preferences for immediate action.
+I have examined the wake of the House-boat, and I judge from the
+condition of what, for want of a better term, I may call the suds,
+when she left us the House-boat was making ten knots a day. Almost
+any craft we can find suitably manned ought to be able to do better
+than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what boats
+he has at hand, it would be for the good of all
+concerned.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s a good plan,&rdquo; said Johnson.
+&ldquo;Boswell, see if you can find Charon.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am here already, sir,&rdquo; returned the ferryman,
+rising. &ldquo;Most of my boats have gone into winter quarters,
+your Honor. The <em>Mayflower</em> went into dry dock last week to
+be calked up; the <em>Pinta</em> and the <em>Santa Maria</em> are
+slow and cranky; the <em>Monitor</em> and the <em>Merrimac</em> I
+haven&rsquo;t really had time to patch up; and the
+<em>Valkyrie</em> is two months overdue. I cannot make up my mind
+whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I
+really don&rsquo;t know what I can lend you. Any of these boats I
+have named you could have had for nothing; but my others are
+actively employed, and I couldn&rsquo;t let them go without a
+serious interference with my business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the
+opposite shore. It was quite evident that he realized what a
+dreadful expense the club was about to be put to, and while of
+course there would be profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry
+for them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I repeat,&rdquo; he added, &ldquo;those boats you could
+have had for nothing, but the others I&rsquo;d have to charge you
+for, though of course I&rsquo;ll give you a discount.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount
+should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The <em>Flying Dutchman</em>,&rdquo; he pursued,
+&ldquo;ain&rsquo;t no good for your purposes. She&rsquo;s too fast.
+She&rsquo;s built to fly by, not to stop. You&rsquo;d catch up with
+the House-boat in a minute with her, but you&rsquo;d go right on
+and disappear like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she&rsquo;d
+never do&mdash;with all respect to Mr. Noah. She&rsquo;s just about
+as suitable as any other waterlogged cattle-steamer&rsquo;d be, and
+no more&mdash;first-rate for elephants and kangaroos, but no good
+for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn&rsquo;t make a ripple high
+enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed. Furthermore,
+she&rsquo;s got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove
+in by running afoul of&mdash;Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was
+called when Captain Noah went cruising with that menagerie of
+his.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s an unmitigated falsehood!&rdquo; cried Noah,
+angrily. &ldquo;This man talks like a professional amateur
+yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but simply goes ahead and
+makes statements with an utter disregard of the truth. The Ark was
+not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say this in
+defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my
+day.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Couldn&rsquo;t sail six weeks without fouling a
+mountain-peak!&rdquo; sneered Wren, perceiving a chance to get
+even.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The hole&rsquo;s there, just the same,&rdquo; said
+Charon. &ldquo;Maybe she was a centreboard, and that&rsquo;s where
+you kept the board.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the
+elephants,&rdquo; retorted Noah. &ldquo;You get a beast like the
+elephant shuffling one of his fore-feet up and down, up and down, a
+plank for twenty-four hours a day for forty days in one of your
+boats, and see where your boat would be.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thanks,&rdquo; said Charon, calmly. &ldquo;But the
+elephants don&rsquo;t patronize my line. All the elephants
+I&rsquo;ve ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he
+reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and
+swung himself over. However, the Ark isn&rsquo;t at all what you
+want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If
+that&rsquo;s your intention, I&rsquo;d charter her; the
+accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that
+kind.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, what do you suggest?&rdquo; asked Raleigh, somewhat
+impatiently. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve told us what we can&rsquo;t do.
+Now tell us what we can do.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;d stay right here,&rdquo; said Charon, &ldquo;and
+let the ladies rescue themselves. That&rsquo;s what I&rsquo;d do.
+I&rsquo;ve had the honor of bringing &lsquo;em over here, and I
+think I know &lsquo;em pretty well. I&rsquo;ve watched &lsquo;em
+close, and it&rsquo;s my private opinion that before many days
+you&rsquo;ll see your club-house sailing back here, with Queen
+Elizabeth at the hellum, and the other ladies on the for&rsquo;ard
+deck knittin&rsquo; and crochetin&rsquo;, and tearin&rsquo; each
+other to pieces in a conversational way, as happy as if there never
+had been any Captain Kidd and his pirate crew.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That suggestion is impossible,&rdquo; said Blackstone,
+rising. &ldquo;Whether the relief expedition amounts to anything or
+not, it&rsquo;s good to be set going. The ladies would never
+forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they were capable of
+rescuing themselves. It is an accepted principle of law that this
+climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we&rsquo;ve
+got enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in
+augmenting the ranks. We must have a boat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;ll cost you a thousand dollars a week,&rdquo;
+said Charon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll subscribe fifty,&rdquo; cried Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll consult my secretary,&rdquo; said Solomon,
+&ldquo;and find out how many of my wives have been abducted, and
+I&rsquo;ll pay ten dollars apiece for their recovery.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s liberal,&rdquo; said Hawkshaw. &ldquo;There
+are sixty-three of &lsquo;em on board, together with eighty of his
+fianc&eacute;es. What&rsquo;s the quotation on fianc&eacute;es,
+King Solomon?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nothing,&rdquo; said Solomon. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re not
+mine yet, and it&rsquo;s their fathers&rsquo; business to get
+&lsquo;em back. Not mine.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before
+everybody save Shylock had put his name down for something. This
+some one of the more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed,
+and, with reckless disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of
+Venice, began to call: &ldquo;Shylock! Shylock! How
+much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was
+blocked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Subscribe, subscribe!&rdquo; was the cry. &ldquo;How
+much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Order, gentlemen, order!&rdquo; said Sir Walter, rising
+and holding a bottle aloft. &ldquo;A black person by the name of
+Friday, a valet of our friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this
+bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago on the bank of the river
+a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps
+give us a clew based upon something more substantial than even the
+wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_06.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_06.jpg" alt=
+"A man picks up a bottle on the beach near the water" title=
+"A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE" id="illo_06"
+name="illo_06" width="216" height="171" /></a>
+<p>A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE</p>
+</div>
+<p>A deathly silence followed the chairman&rsquo;s words, as Sir
+Walter drew a cork-screw from his pocket and opened the bottle. He
+extracted the paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a
+message from the missing vessel. His face brightening with a smile
+of relief, Sir Walter read, aloud:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Have just emerged into the Atlantic. Club in hands of
+Kidd and forty ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on
+board. Headed for the Azores. Send aid at once. All well except
+Xanthippe, who is seasick in the billiard-room. (Signed)
+Portia.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aha!&rdquo; cried Hawkshaw. &ldquo;That shows how
+valuable the Holmes theory is.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely,&rdquo; said Holmes. &ldquo;No woman knows
+anything about seafaring, but Portia is right. The ship is headed
+for the Azores, which is the first tack needed in a windward sail
+for London under the present conditions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the
+cry for Shylock&rsquo;s subscription began again, but he
+declined.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I had intended to put up a thousand ducats,&rdquo; he
+said, defiantly, &ldquo;but with that woman Portia on board I
+won&rsquo;t give a red obolus!&rdquo; and with that he wrapped his
+cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows of the
+wood.</p>
+<p>And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the
+shapely twin-screw steamer the <em>Gehenna</em> was chartered of
+Charon, and put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who,
+after he had thanked the company for their confidence, walked
+abstractedly away, observing in strictest confidence to himself
+that he had done well to prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe
+Crusoe&rsquo;s man to find it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For now,&rdquo; he said, with a chuckle, &ldquo;I can get
+back to earth again free of cost on my own hook, whether my eminent
+inventor wants me there or not. I never approved of his killing me
+off as he did at the very height of my popularity.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_IV" id="Ch_IV">IV</a></h3>
+<h2>On Board the House-Boat</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all.
+Once having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to
+think of ever having to give it up again, and it is an open
+question in my mind if they would not have made off with it
+themselves had Captain Kidd and his men not done it for them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll never forgive these men for their selfishness
+in monopolizing all this,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, with a vicious
+stroke of a billiard-cue, which missed the cue-ball and tore a
+right angle in the cloth. &ldquo;It is not right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; said Portia. &ldquo;It is all wrong; and when
+we get back home I&rsquo;m going to give my beloved Bassanio a
+piece of my mind; and if he doesn&rsquo;t give in to me, I&rsquo;ll
+reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock <em>versus</em>
+Antonio.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then I sincerely hope he doesn&rsquo;t give in,&rdquo;
+retorted Cleopatra, &ldquo;for I swear by all my auburn locks that
+that was the very worst bit of injustice ever perpetrated. Mr.
+Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs.
+C&aelig;sar&rsquo;s card-parties, that he regarded that as the
+biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony
+that the decision wouldn&rsquo;t have held in any court of equity
+outside of Venice. If you owe a man a thousand ducats, and it costs
+you three thousand to get them, that&rsquo;s your affair, not his.
+If it cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound
+of flesh, it was Antonio&rsquo;s affair, not Shylock&rsquo;s.
+However, the world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have
+nothing more than a woman&rsquo;s keen instinct for sentimental
+technicalities.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone
+on,&rdquo; shuddered Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would
+have done away with a raft of bad actors,&rdquo; said Cleopatra.
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m half sorry it didn&rsquo;t go on, and I&rsquo;m
+sure it wouldn&rsquo;t have been any worse than compelling Brutus
+to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver <em>en
+brochette</em>, as is done in that Julius C&aelig;sar
+play.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I&rsquo;m very glad I did it,&rdquo; snapped
+Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should think you would be,&rdquo; said Cleopatra.
+&ldquo;If you hadn&rsquo;t done it, you&rsquo;d never have been
+known. What was that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The boat had given a slight lurch.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Didn&rsquo;t you hear a shuffling noise up on deck,
+Portia?&rdquo; asked the Egyptian Queen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved
+a bit,&rdquo; returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in
+an advanced state of development, she had become a martyr to her
+nerves.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It was merely the wash from one of Charon&rsquo;s new
+ferry-boats, I fancy,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, calmly.
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s disgusting, the way that old fellow allows these
+modern innovations to be brought in here! As if the old
+paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren&rsquo;t good enough
+for the immigrants of this age! Really this Styx River is losing a
+great deal of its charm. Sir Walter and I were upset, while out
+rowing one day last summer, by the waves kicked up by one of
+Charon&rsquo;s excursion steamers going up the river with a party
+of picnickers from the city&mdash;the Greater Gehenna Chowder Club,
+I believe it was&mdash;on board of her. One might just as well live
+in the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get
+uninterrupted quiet here in the suburbs in these days. Charon
+isn&rsquo;t content to get rich slowly; he must make money by the
+barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all the comfort of everybody
+living on this river. Anybody&rsquo;d think he was an American, the
+way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same way. The
+Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think myself,&rdquo; sighed Cleopatra, &ldquo;that
+Hades is being spoiled by the introduction of American
+ideas&mdash;it is getting by far too democratic for my tastes; and
+if it isn&rsquo;t stopped, it&rsquo;s my belief that the best
+people will stop coming here. Take Madame R&eacute;camier&rsquo;s
+salon as it is now and compare it with what it used to be! In the
+early days, after her arrival here, everybody went because it was
+the swell thing, and you&rsquo;d be sure of meeting the
+intellectually elect. On the one hand you&rsquo;d find Sophocles;
+on the other, Cicero; across the room would be Horace chatting
+gayly with some such person as myself. Great warriors, from
+Alexander to Bonaparte, were there, and glad of the opportunity to
+be there, too; statesmen like Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or
+Tintoretto. You couldn&rsquo;t move without stepping on the toes of
+genius. But now all is different. The money-getting instinct has
+been aroused within them all, with the result that when I invited
+Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place last autumn, he
+sent me a card stating his terms for dinners. Let me see, I think I
+have it with me; I&rsquo;ve kept it by me for fear of losing it, it
+is such a complete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in
+this locality. Ah! this is it,&rdquo; she added, taking a small bit
+of paste-board from her card-case. &ldquo;Read that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much
+astonished&mdash;and naturally so, for it ran this wise:</p>
+<div style=
+"width:60%;margin:auto;border:thin black solid;padding:1em;">
+<p class="cen">NOTICE TO HOSTESSES.</p>
+<p>Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times
+vexatious demands upon his time socially,</p>
+<p class="cen" style="font-size:80%;">HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS
+MOZART</p>
+<p>takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after
+January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as follows:</p>
+<table summary="Mozart rate card" style="width:90%;margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td style="text-align:right">Marks.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">500</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music,
+illustrated</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">750</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Dinners without any conversation</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">300</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Receptions, public, with music</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">1000</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Receptions, private, with music</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">750</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Encores (single)</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">100</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Three encores for</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">150</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Autographs</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">10</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>Positively no Invitations for Five-o&rsquo;Clock Teas or Morning
+Musicales considered.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I declare!&rdquo; tittered Elizabeth, as she read.
+&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t that extraordinary? He&rsquo;s got the
+three-name craze, too!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s perfectly ridiculous,&rdquo; said Cleopatra.
+&ldquo;But it&rsquo;s fairer than Artemus Ward&rsquo;s plan. Mozart
+gives notice of his intentions to charge you; but with Ward
+it&rsquo;s different. He comes, and afterwards sends a bill for his
+fun. Why, only last week I got a &lsquo;quarterly statement&rsquo;
+from him showing a charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for
+humorous remarks made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I
+gave in honor of Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it
+&lsquo;Please remit.&rsquo; Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to
+my eyebrow, wouldn&rsquo;t let me have it until he had heard
+whether or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the
+<em>Gossip</em>. With Rubens giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias
+doing &lsquo;Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty&rsquo; for suburban
+lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines turning their
+genius to account through the entertainment bureaus, it&rsquo;s
+impossible to have a salon now.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are indeed right,&rdquo; said Madame R&eacute;camier,
+sadly. &ldquo;Those were palmy days when genius was satisfied with
+chicken salad and lemonade. I shall never forget those nights when
+the wit and wisdom of all time were&mdash;ah&mdash;were on tap at
+my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of lights and supper.
+Now the only people who will come for nothing are those we used to
+think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready, but you
+can&rsquo;t run a salon on Boswell.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said Portia, &ldquo;I sincerely hope that
+you won&rsquo;t give up the functions altogether, because I have
+always found them most delightful. It is still possible to have
+lights and supper.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have a plan for next winter,&rdquo; said Madame
+R&eacute;camier, &ldquo;but I suppose I shall be accused of going
+into the commercial side of it if I adopt it. The plan is, briefly,
+to incorporate my salon. That&rsquo;s an idea worthy of an
+American, I admit; but if I don&rsquo;t do it I&rsquo;ll have to
+give it up entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An
+incorporated salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only
+because it would perpetuate the salon. &lsquo;The R&eacute;camier
+Salon (Limited)&rsquo; would be a most excellent title, and,
+suitably capitalized, would enable us to pay our lions
+sufficiently. Private enterprise is powerless under modern
+conditions. It&rsquo;s as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner,
+without running up an expense account for guests; and unless we get
+up a salon trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the
+wall.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_07.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_07.jpg" alt=
+"A queenly woman stands among a group of women" title=
+"MADAME R&Eacute;CAMIER HAS A PLAN" id="illo_07" name="illo_07"
+width="216" height="182" /></a>
+<p>MADAME R&Eacute;CAMIER HAS A PLAN</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;How would you make it pay?&rdquo; asked Portia. &ldquo;I
+can&rsquo;t see where your dividends would come from.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is simple enough,&rdquo; said Madame
+R&eacute;camier. &ldquo;We could put up a large reception-hall with
+a portion of our capital, and advertise a series of
+nights&mdash;say one a week throughout the season. These would be
+Warriors&rsquo; Night, Story-tellers&rsquo; Night, Poets&rsquo;
+Night, Chafing-dish Night under the charge of Brillat-Savarin, and
+so on. It would be understood that on these particular evenings the
+most interesting people in certain lines would be present, and
+would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of
+a certain sum of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this country
+could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well, as I
+think I do, they&rsquo;ll pay readily for the privilege. The
+obscure love to rub up against the famous here as well as they do
+on earth.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;d run a sort of Social Zoo?&rdquo; suggested
+Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely; and provide entertainment for private
+residences too. An advertisement in Boswell&rsquo;s paper, which
+everybody buys&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And which nobody reads,&rdquo; said Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They read the advertisements,&rdquo; retorted Madame
+R&eacute;camier. &ldquo;As I was saying, an advertisement could be
+placed in Boswell&rsquo;s paper as follows: &lsquo;Are you giving a
+Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at the
+R&eacute;camier Salon (Limited).&rsquo; It would be simply
+magnificent as a business enterprise. The common herd would be
+tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes,
+even if they had to pay roundly for them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would look well in the society notes, wouldn&rsquo;t
+it, if Mr. John Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the
+account it said, &lsquo;The supper was furnished by Calizetti, and
+the genius by the R&eacute;camier Salon (Limited)&rsquo;?&rdquo;
+suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I must admit,&rdquo; replied the French lady, &ldquo;that
+you call up an unpleasant possibility, but I don&rsquo;t really see
+what else we can do if we want to preserve the salon idea. Somebody
+has told these talented people that they have a commercial value,
+and they are availing themselves of the demand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is a sad age!&rdquo; sighed Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, all I&rsquo;ve got to say is just this,&rdquo; put
+in Xanthippe: &ldquo;You people who get up functions have brought
+this condition of affairs on yourselves. You were not satisfied to
+go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a moderate fashion.
+Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance. His wife
+told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The
+rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making
+after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didn&rsquo;t
+pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and
+the fearful expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It
+was as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one
+side of his head, so that he couldn&rsquo;t go out, the way he used
+to do in Athens when he was afraid he would be invited out and
+couldn&rsquo;t scare up a decent excuse for refusing.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Did he do that?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth, with a roar of
+laughter.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So the cyclop&aelig;dias say. It&rsquo;s a good plan,
+too,&rdquo; said Xanthippe. &ldquo;Though Socrates never had to do
+it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out too much, I used
+to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of Rubens. He
+gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza&rsquo;s Thursday Night Club,
+merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered
+that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people
+simply run it into the ground. You kill the goose that when taken
+at the flood leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does the lion
+no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with confectionery,
+material and theoretical. If they are getting tired of candy and
+compliments, it&rsquo;s because you have forced too much of it upon
+them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They like it, just the same,&rdquo; retorted
+R&eacute;camier. &ldquo;A genius likes nothing better than the
+sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling on
+aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a
+noble brow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;True,&rdquo; said Xanthippe. &ldquo;But when a man gets a
+pile of Christmas wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins to
+wonder what they will bring on the market. An occasional wreath is
+very nice, but by the ton they are apt to weigh on his mind. Up to
+a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love
+it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding instead of permitting
+itself to be courted, it loses its charm.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is Socratic in its wisdom,&rdquo; smiled Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But Xanthippic in its origin,&rdquo; returned Xanthippe.
+&ldquo;No man ever gave me my ideas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurry and save yourselves!&rdquo; she cried. &ldquo;The
+boat has broken loose from her moorings, and is floating down the
+stream. If we don&rsquo;t hurry up and do something, we&rsquo;ll
+drift out to sea!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What!&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror,
+and rushing for the stairs. &ldquo;I was certain I felt a slight
+motion. You said it was the wash from one of Charon&rsquo;s barges,
+Elizabeth.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I thought it was,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, following
+closely after.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it wasn&rsquo;t,&rdquo; moaned Lucretia Borgia.
+&ldquo;Calpurnia just looked out of the window and discovered that
+we were in mid-stream.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to
+ascend, Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the
+doorway to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features
+of Captain Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice
+rang out through the gathering gloom. &ldquo;Pipe my eye for a
+sardine if we haven&rsquo;t captured a female seminary!&rdquo; he
+cried.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_08.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_08.jpg" alt="Women flee from a pirate" title=
+"&ldquo;THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_08" name="illo_08" width="152" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the
+billiard-room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door
+to, and retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to consult
+with his followers as to &ldquo;what next.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_V" id="Ch_V">V</a></h3>
+<h2>A Conference on Deck</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a kettle of fish!&rdquo; said Kidd, pulling
+his chin whisker in perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates
+gathered about the capstan to discuss the situation.
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed
+athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low-down
+ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to
+the water&rsquo;s edge with advanced women&mdash;I&rsquo;ve half a
+mind to turn back.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_09.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_09.jpg" alt=
+"Four sea-faring men stand around and talk" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;HERE&rsquo;S A KETTLE OF FISH,&rsquo; SAID KIDD&rdquo;"
+id="illo_09" name="illo_09" width="151" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;HERE&rsquo;S A KETTLE OF FISH,&rsquo; SAID
+KIDD&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;If you do, you swim&mdash;we&rsquo;ll not turn back with
+you,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his prowess,
+Kidd had appointed executive officer of the House-boat. &ldquo;I
+have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not
+embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I
+am out for business. If you had thirty thousand women on board,
+still should I not turn back.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But what shall we do with &lsquo;em?&rdquo; pleaded Kidd.
+&ldquo;Where can we go without attracting attention? Who&rsquo;s
+going to feed &lsquo;em? Who&rsquo;s going to dress &lsquo;em?
+Who&rsquo;s going to keep &lsquo;em in bonnets? You don&rsquo;t
+know anything about these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and,
+by-the-way, can&rsquo;t we arbitrate that name of yours? It would
+be fearful to remember in the excitement of a fight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Call him Ab,&rdquo; suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an
+ill-concealed sneer, for he was deeply jealous of
+Abeuchapeta&rsquo;s preferral.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If you do I&rsquo;ll call you Morgue, and change your
+appearance to fit,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers,&rdquo; began
+Morgan, springing angrily to his feet, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll have your
+life!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Gentlemen! Gentlemen&mdash;my noble ruffians!&rdquo;
+expostulated Kidd. &ldquo;Come, come; this will never do! I must
+have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no time for divisions
+in our councils. An entirely unexpected element has entered into
+our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no light
+matter&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, captain,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;but
+that is where you and I do not agree. We&rsquo;ve got our ship and
+we&rsquo;ve got our crew, and in addition we find that the Fates
+have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as ballast. Now I,
+for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work. There is
+plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a
+very hard fight, and come out of the m&ecirc;l&eacute;e somewhat
+the worse for wear, it will be a blessing to have &lsquo;em along
+to mend our togas, sew buttons on our uniforms, and darn our
+hosiery.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Morgan laughed sarcastically. &ldquo;When did you flourish, if
+ever, colonel?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you refer to me?&rdquo; queried Abeuchapeta, with a
+frown.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You have guessed correctly,&rdquo; replied Morgan, icily.
+&ldquo;I have quite forgotten your date; were you a success in the
+year one, or when?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry,&rdquo; interposed Kidd,
+fearing a further outbreak of hostilities&mdash;&ldquo;Admiral
+Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas in the seventh century, and
+what he undertook to do he did, and his piratical enterprises were
+carried on on a scale of magnificence which is without parallel off
+the comic-opera stage. He never went forth without at least seventy
+galleys and a hundred other vessels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Six-ninety-eight was my great year,&rdquo; he said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I thought,&rdquo; said Morgan.
+&ldquo;That is to say, you got your ideas of women twelve hundred
+years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat since that time. I
+have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I have no doubt that
+as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes to
+&lsquo;feminology&rsquo; you are sailing in unknown waters. The
+study of women, my dear Abeuchadnezzar&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Peta,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear
+Peter,&rdquo; said Morgan, with a wink at Conrad, which fortunately
+the seventh-century pirate did not see, else there would have been
+an open break&mdash;&ldquo;the study of women is more difficult
+than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all women
+are unique. Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your
+day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our
+day&mdash;in fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to
+say that no individual woman is alike.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s rather a hazy thought,&rdquo; said Kidd,
+scratching his head in a puzzled sort of way.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I mean that she&rsquo;s different from herself at
+different times,&rdquo; said Morgan. &ldquo;What is it the poet
+called her?&mdash;&lsquo;an infinite variety show,&rsquo; or
+something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville&mdash;a continuous
+performance, as it were, from twelve to twelve.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Morgan is right, admiral!&rdquo; put in Conrad the
+corsair, acting temporarily as bo&rsquo;sun. &ldquo;The times are
+sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she was. She is hardly
+what she is, much less what she was. The Roman Gyn&aelig;ceum would
+be an impossibility to-day. You might as well expect Delilah to
+open a barbershop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced
+females below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate&rsquo;s uniform
+after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled.
+They&rsquo;re no longer sewing-machines&mdash;they are Keeley
+motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views
+now&mdash;they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they
+must see for themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish
+to domesticate man and emancipate woman. It&rsquo;s my private
+opinion that if we are to get along with them at all the best thing
+to do is to let &lsquo;em alone. I have always found I was better
+off in the abstract, and if this question is going to be settled in
+a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, I&rsquo;ll
+vote for any measure which involves leaving them strictly to
+themselves. They&rsquo;re nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like
+ourselves, and we can pretend we don&rsquo;t see them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If that could be, it would be excellent,&rdquo; said
+Morgan; &ldquo;but it is impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic
+order, my dear Conrad, you are strangely unversed in the ways of
+the sex which cheers but not inebriates. We can no more ignore
+their presence upon this boat than we can expect whales to spout
+kerosene. In the first place, it would be excessively impolite of
+us to cut them&mdash;to decline to speak to them if they should
+address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we
+shall never forget that we are gentlemen.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette,
+don&rsquo;t you think?&rdquo; suggested Conrad.
+&ldquo;There&rsquo;s nobody to introduce us, and I can&rsquo;t
+really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am
+not going to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick
+up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic
+strain.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You forget,&rdquo; said Kidd, &ldquo;two essential
+features of the situation. These women are at present&mdash;or
+shortly will be, when they realize their situation&mdash;in
+distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue of a
+distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the
+seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines
+it is now considered <em>de rigueur</em> to speak to anybody you
+choose to. The introduction business isn&rsquo;t going to stand in
+my way.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, may I ask,&rdquo; put in Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;just
+what it is that is worrying you? You said something about feeding
+them, and dressing them, and keeping them in bonnets. I fancy
+there&rsquo;s fish enough in the sea to feed &lsquo;em; and as for
+their gowns and hats, they can make &lsquo;em themselves. Every
+woman is a milliner at heart.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Exactly, and we&rsquo;ll have to pay the milliners. That
+is what bothers me. I was going to lead this expedition to London,
+Paris, and New York, admiral. That is where the money is, and to
+get it you&rsquo;ve got to go ashore, to headquarters. You cannot
+nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern civilization,&rdquo; said
+Kidd, &ldquo;has ruined the pirate&rsquo;s business. The latest
+news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain
+facts that I never dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I
+speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our friend
+Hawkins here. Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to
+stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you
+to give up piracy on the high seas?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not the slightest, Captain Kidd,&rdquo; returned Captain
+Hawkins, who was a recent arrival in Hades. &ldquo;It is a sad
+little story, and it gives me a pain for to think on it, but none
+the less I&rsquo;ll tell it, since you ask me. When I were a mere
+boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my
+readin&rsquo;, which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school
+nater&mdash;to become somethin&rsquo; different from the little
+Willies an&rsquo; the clever Tommies what I read about therein.
+They was all good, an&rsquo; they went to their reward too soon in
+life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy
+an&rsquo; unpleasant diversion. Learnin&rsquo; at an early period
+that virtue was its only reward, an&rsquo; a-wish-in&rsquo; others,
+I says to myself: &lsquo;Jim,&rsquo; says I, &lsquo;if you wishes
+to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be as you are
+a good boy, an&rsquo; kind to your sister an&rsquo; all other
+animals, you&rsquo;ll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen
+hundred a year sure, with never no hope for no public preferment
+beyond bein&rsquo; made the superintendent of the Sunday-school;
+but if so be as how you&rsquo;re bad, you may become famous,
+an&rsquo; go to Congress, an&rsquo; have your picture in the Sunday
+noospapers.&rsquo; So I looks around for books tellin&rsquo; how to
+get &lsquo;Famous in Fifty Ways,&rsquo; an&rsquo; after due
+reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate&rsquo;s just
+the thing for me, seein&rsquo; as how it&rsquo;s both profitable
+an&rsquo; healthy. Passin&rsquo; over details, let me tell you that
+I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, an&rsquo; by dint of
+perseverance, as the Sunday-school books useter say, in my badness
+I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an&rsquo; when I says to
+&lsquo;em, &lsquo;Boys, I wants to be a pirate chief,&rsquo; they
+hollers back, loud like, &lsquo;Jim, we&rsquo;re with you,&rsquo;
+an&rsquo; they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan
+Gulf, the Spanish Main, an&rsquo; the Pacific seas, but there was
+precious little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday
+noospaper, which paid me well to sign an article on &lsquo;Modern
+Piracy&rsquo; which I didn&rsquo;t write. Finally business got so
+bad the crew began to murmur, an&rsquo; I was at my wits&rsquo;
+ends to please &lsquo;em; when one mornin&rsquo;, havin&rsquo;
+passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that
+&lsquo;Next Saturday&rsquo;s steamer is a weritable treasure-ship,
+takin&rsquo; out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a
+certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.&rsquo;
+&lsquo;Here&rsquo;s my chance,&rsquo; says I, an&rsquo; I goes to
+sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I captures her easy, my crew
+bein&rsquo; hungry, an&rsquo; fightin&rsquo; according like. We
+steals the box a-hold-in&rsquo; the jewels an&rsquo; the bag
+containin&rsquo; the millions, hustles back to our own ship,
+an&rsquo; makes for our rondyvoo, me with two bullets in my leg,
+four o&rsquo; my crew killed, and one engin&rsquo; of my ship
+disabled by a shot&mdash;but happy. Twelve an&rsquo; a half
+millions at one break is enough to make anybody happy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should say so,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, with an
+ecstatic shake of his head. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t get that in all
+my career.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nor I,&rdquo; sighed Kidd. &ldquo;But go on,
+Hawkins.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, as I says,&rdquo; continued Captain Hawkins,
+&ldquo;we goes to the rondyvoo to look over our booty.
+&lsquo;Captain &lsquo;Awkins,&rsquo; says my valet&mdash;for I was
+a swell pirate, gents, an&rsquo; never travelled nowhere without a
+man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my
+trousers&mdash;&lsquo;this &lsquo;ere twelve millions,&rsquo; says
+he, &lsquo;is werry light,&rsquo; says he, carryin&rsquo; the bag
+ashore. &lsquo;I don&rsquo;t care how light it is, so long as
+it&rsquo;s twelve millions, Henderson,&rsquo; says I; but my heart
+sinks inside o&rsquo; me at his words, an&rsquo; the minute we
+lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach. I opens
+the bag, an&rsquo; it&rsquo;s the one I was after&mdash;but the
+twelve millions!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Weren&rsquo;t there?&rdquo; cried Conrad.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, they was there,&rdquo; sighed Hawkins, &ldquo;but
+every bloomin&rsquo; million was represented by a certified check,
+an&rsquo; payable in London!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_10.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_10.jpg" alt=
+"A sea-faring man sits on the ground next to a valise" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;EVERY BLOOMIN&rsquo; MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN&rsquo; PAYABLE IN LONDON&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_10" name="illo_10" width="216" height="187" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;EVERY BLOOMIN&rsquo; MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A
+CERTIFIED CHECK, AN&rsquo; PAYABLE IN LONDON&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;By Jingo!&rdquo; cried Morgan. &ldquo;What fearful luck!
+But you had the prima donna&rsquo;s jewels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; said Hawkins, with a moan. &ldquo;But they
+was like all other prima donna&rsquo;s jewels&mdash;for
+advertisin&rsquo; purposes only, an&rsquo; made o&rsquo;
+gum-arabic!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Horrible!&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta. &ldquo;And the crew,
+what did they say?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They was a crew of a few words,&rdquo; sighed Hawkins.
+&ldquo;Werry few words, an&rsquo; not a civil word in the
+lot&mdash;mostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I told
+&lsquo;em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for
+a-jiltin&rsquo; of &lsquo;em, an&rsquo;&mdash;well, I came here. I
+was &rsquo;sas&rsquo;inated that werry night!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They killed you?&rdquo; cried Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A dozen times,&rdquo; nodded Hawkins. &ldquo;They always
+was a lavish lot. I met death in all its most horrid forms. First
+they stabbed me, then they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so
+on, endin&rsquo; up with a lynchin&rsquo;&mdash;but I didn&rsquo;t
+mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that I&rsquo;m
+here I&rsquo;m glad it happened. This life is sort of less
+responsible than that other. You can&rsquo;t hurt a ghost by
+shooting him, because there ain&rsquo;t nothing to hurt, an&rsquo;
+I must say I like bein&rsquo; a mere vision what everybody can see
+through.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;All of which interesting tale proves what?&rdquo; queried
+Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of
+the check banking system,&rdquo; said Kidd. &ldquo;If you can get a
+chance at real gold it&rsquo;s all right, but it&rsquo;s of no
+earthly use to steal checks that people can stop payment on.
+Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little
+freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be
+found.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well? Can&rsquo;t we do it now?&rdquo; asked
+Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not with these women tagging after us,&rdquo; returned
+Kidd. &ldquo;If we went to London and lifted the whole Bank of
+England, these women would have it spent on Regent Street inside of
+twenty-four hours.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then leave them on board,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And have them steal the ship!&rdquo; retorted Kidd.
+&ldquo;No. There are but two things to do. Take &lsquo;em back, or
+land them in Paris. Tell them to spend a week on shore while we are
+provisioning. Tell &lsquo;em to shop to their hearts&rsquo;
+content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave
+them stranded.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Splendid!&rdquo; cried Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But will they consent?&rdquo; asked Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Consent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?&rdquo; cried
+Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ha, ha!&rdquo; laughed Hawkins. &ldquo;Will they consent!
+Will a duck swim?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the
+career of the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes
+had failed to count.</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_VI" id="Ch_VI">VI</a></h3>
+<h2>A Conference Below-Stairs</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the
+House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra
+by the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who
+thronged the stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart
+of Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous
+person&rsquo;s ribs, could have been seen to beat angrily.</p>
+<p>Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude
+towards her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon
+the floor in the most unroyal fashion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well!&rdquo; she ejaculated. &ldquo;If this does not
+surpass everything! The idea of it! Oh for one hour of my olden
+power, one hour of the axe, one hour of the block!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_11.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_11.jpg" alt="A queen looks angry" title=
+"QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER"
+id="illo_11" name="illo_11" width="216" height="151" /></a>
+<p>QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN
+POWER</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Get up,&rdquo; retorted Cleopatra, &ldquo;and let us all
+return to the billiard-room and discuss this matter calmly. It is
+quite evident that something has happened of which we wotted little
+when we came aboard this craft.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is a good idea,&rdquo; said Calpurnia, retreating
+below. &ldquo;I can see through the window that we are in motion.
+The vessel has left her moorings, and is making considerable
+headway down the stream, and the distinctly masculine voices we
+have heard are indications to my mind that the ship is manned, and
+that this is the result of design rather than of accident. Let us
+below.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the
+excitement of the moment had been forced to assume a position about
+her forehead which gave one the impression that its royal wearer
+had suddenly donned a sombrero.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; she said. &ldquo;Let us below; but oh,
+for the axe!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bring the lady an axe,&rdquo; cried Xanthippe,
+sarcastically. &ldquo;She wants to cut somebody.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was
+regarded as being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence
+they filed back into the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves
+in groups, stood about anxiously discussing the situation.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s getting rougher every minute,&rdquo; sobbed
+Ophelia. &ldquo;Look at those pool-balls!&rdquo; These were in very
+truth chasing each other about the table in an extraordinary
+fashion. &ldquo;And I wish I&rsquo;d never followed you horrid new
+creatures on board!&rdquo; the poor girl added, in an agony of
+despair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I believe we&rsquo;ve crossed the bar already!&rdquo;
+said Cleopatra, gazing out of the window at a nasty choppy sea that
+was adding somewhat to the disquietude of the fair gathering.
+&ldquo;If this is merely a joke on the part of the Associated
+Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time it should
+cease.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, for an axe!&rdquo; moaned Elizabeth, again.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, your Majesty,&rdquo; put in Xanthippe.
+&ldquo;You said that before, and I must say it is getting tiresome.
+You couldn&rsquo;t do anything with an axe. Suppose you had one.
+What earthly good would it do you, who were accustomed to doing all
+your killing by proxy? I don&rsquo;t believe, if you had the
+unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate
+upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in
+the neck if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for
+her scissors, for all the good it would do us in our predicament.
+If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the purpose.
+One deadly little snake like that let loose on the upper deck would
+doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even then our
+condition would not be bettered, for there isn&rsquo;t any of us
+that can sail a boat. There isn&rsquo;t an old salt among
+us.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Too bad Mrs. Lot isn&rsquo;t along,&rdquo; giggled
+Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic spirits were by no means
+overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which she found
+herself.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m here,&rdquo; piped up Mrs. Lot. &ldquo;But
+I&rsquo;m not that kind of a salt.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am present,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;Though why I
+ever came I don&rsquo;t know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot
+on Ararat that dry land was good enough for me, and that I&rsquo;d
+never step aboard another boat as long as I lived. If, however, now
+that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical
+experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure we&rsquo;re very much obliged for the
+offer,&rdquo; said Portia, &ldquo;but in the emergency which has
+arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we know what
+your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought to
+know how far that reliance can go&mdash;not that I lack confidence
+in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take
+care to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The point is properly taken,&rdquo; said Elizabeth,
+&ldquo;and I wish to say here that I am easier in my mind when I
+realize that we have with us so level-headed a person as the lady
+who has just spoken. She has spoken truly and to the point. If I
+were to become queen again, I should make her my attorney-general.
+We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all things in a calm,
+judicial manner.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on,&rdquo;
+remarked Ophelia, faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as
+indeed she might, for the House-boat was beginning to roll
+tremendously, with no alleviation save an occasional pitch, which
+was an alleviation only in the sense that it gave variety to their
+discomfort. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t believe a chief-justice could look
+at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I
+do.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Poor dear!&rdquo; said the matronly Mrs. Noah,
+sympathetically. &ldquo;I know exactly how you feel. I have been
+there myself. The fourth day out I and my whole family were in the
+same condition, except that Noah, my husband, was so very far gone
+that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six days before
+he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed myself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But,&rdquo; gasped Ophelia, &ldquo;that doesn&rsquo;t
+help me&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It did my husband,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;When he
+heard that the boys were sea-sick too, he actually laughed and
+began to get better right away. There is really only one cure for
+the <em>mal de mer</em>, and that is the fun of knowing that
+somebody else is suffering too. If some of you ladies would kindly
+yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor
+girl on her feet in an instant.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response
+to this appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in
+solitude.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We have no time for untimely diversions of this
+sort,&rdquo; snapped Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the
+suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a comfortable lounge at
+an end of the room, was evidently improving. &ldquo;I have no
+sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired of
+succumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I hope to be pardoned for interrupting,&rdquo; said Mrs.
+Noah, with a great deal of firmness, &ldquo;but I wish Mrs.
+Socrates to understand that it is rather early in the voyage for
+her to lay down any such broad principle as that, and for her own
+sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she withdrew the
+sentiment. There are certain things about a sea-voyage that are
+more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one who
+chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more
+confident than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour
+she will not be as badly off. People who live in glass houses
+should not throw dice.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I shall never yield to anything so undignified as
+seasickness, let me tell you that,&rdquo; retorted Xanthippe.
+&ldquo;Furthermore, the proverb is not as the lady has quoted it.
+&lsquo;People who live in glass houses should not throw
+stones&rsquo; is the proper version.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was not quoting,&rdquo; returned Mrs. Noah, calmly.
+&ldquo;When I said that people who live in glass houses should not
+throw dice, I meant precisely what I said. People who live in glass
+houses should not take chances. In assuming with such vainglorious
+positiveness that she will not be seasick, the lady who has just
+spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on the
+Ark when we gathered about the table at night and began to make
+small wagers on the day&rsquo;s run.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think we had better suspend this discussion,&rdquo;
+suggested Cleopatra. &ldquo;It is of no immediate interest to any
+one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does not care to dwell upon it at
+any great length. It is more important that we should decide upon
+our future course of action. In the first place, the question is
+who these people up on deck are. If they are the members of the
+club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land us
+safely again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to
+manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in
+the proceeding. It would never do to let them think that their joke
+has been a good one. If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the
+victims of some horde of ruffians, who have pounced upon us
+unawares, and are going into the business of abduction on a
+wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with treachery, strategy
+with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing to make every man
+on board walk the plank, having confidence in the seawomanship of
+Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am quite in accord with these views,&rdquo; put in
+Madame R&eacute;camier, &ldquo;and I move you, Mrs. President, that
+we organize a series of subcommittees&mdash;one on treachery, with
+Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on strategy, consisting
+of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation, headed by Mrs.
+Noah; with a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, with Cassandra to
+look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft&mdash;all of these
+subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra
+and Calpurnia. The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our
+interests unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy
+ourselves without thought of the morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I second the motion,&rdquo; said Ophelia, &ldquo;with the
+amendment that Madame R&eacute;camier be appointed chair-lady of
+another subcommittee, on entertainment.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried
+with an enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.</p>
+<p>The various committees retired to the several corners of the
+room to discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was
+observed to obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in
+through the window. The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched
+for an instant, as, immediately following upon this apparition, a
+large bundle was hurled through the open port into the middle of
+the room, and the shadow vanished.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it a bomb?&rdquo; cried several of the ladies at
+once.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nonsense!&rdquo; said Madame R&eacute;camier, jumping
+lightly forward. &ldquo;A man doesn&rsquo;t mind blowing a woman
+up, but he&rsquo;ll never blow himself up. We&rsquo;re safe enough
+in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of illustrated
+papers.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what it is,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, who had
+been investigating. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s rather a discourteous bit of
+courtesy, tossing them in through the window that way, I think, but
+I presume they mean well. Dear me,&rdquo; she added, as, having
+untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her,
+&ldquo;how interesting! All the latest Paris fashions. Humph! Look
+at those sleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would
+have been with those sleeves added to your ruffs!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should think they&rsquo;d be very becoming,&rdquo; put
+in Cassandra, standing on her tiptoes and looking over
+Cleopatra&rsquo;s shoulder. &ldquo;That Watteau isn&rsquo;t bad,
+either, is it, now?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; remarked Calpurnia. &ldquo;I wonder how a
+Watteau back like that would go on my blue alpaca?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very nicely,&rdquo; said Elizabeth. &ldquo;How many gores
+has it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Five,&rdquo; observed Calpurnia. &ldquo;One more than
+C&aelig;sar&rsquo;s toga. We had to have our costumes distinct in
+some way.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A remarkable hat, that,&rdquo; nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye
+catching sight of a Virot creation at the top of the page.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Reminds me of Eve&rsquo;s description of an autumn scene
+in the garden,&rdquo; smiled Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;Gorgeous in its
+foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn&rsquo;t have dared wear
+one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals browsing about the
+upper and lower decks.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I wonder,&rdquo; remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her
+head to one side to take in the full effect of an attractive summer
+gown&mdash;&ldquo;I wonder how that waist would make up in blue
+cr&eacute;pon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly contrasting
+stock of satin ribbon?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves,&rdquo;
+remarked Madame R&eacute;camier. &ldquo;If you had a few puffs of
+rich brocaded satin set in with deeply folded pleats it
+wouldn&rsquo;t be bad.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it would be very effective,&rdquo; observed Mrs.
+Noah, &ldquo;but a trifle too light for general wear. I should want
+some kind of a wrap with it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It does need that,&rdquo; assented Elizabeth. &ldquo;A
+wrap made of passementerie and jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche
+about the neck held by a <em>chou</em>, would make it
+fascinating.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery is ready to report,&rdquo;
+said Delilah, rising from her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia
+had been having so animated a discussion that they had failed to
+observe the others crowding about Cleopatra and the papers.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_12.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_12.jpg" alt=
+"A woman reads a paper while other women look on" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_12" name="illo_12" width="185" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO
+REPORT&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;A little sombre,&rdquo; said Cleopatra. &ldquo;The
+corsage is effective, but I don&rsquo;t like those basque
+terminations. I&rsquo;ve never approved of those full
+godets&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery,&rdquo; remarked Delilah
+again, raising her voice, &ldquo;has a suggestion to
+make.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t get over those sleeves, though,&rdquo;
+laughed Helen of Troy. &ldquo;What is the use of them?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They might be used to get Greeks into Troy,&rdquo;
+suggested Madame R&eacute;camier.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery,&rdquo; roared Delilah,
+thoroughly angered by the absorption of the chairman and others,
+&ldquo;has a suggestion to make. This is the third and last
+call.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, I beg pardon,&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, rapping for
+order. &ldquo;I had forgotten all about our committees. Excuse me,
+Delilah. I&mdash;ah&mdash;was absorbed in other matters. Will you
+kindly lay your pattern&mdash;I should say your plan&mdash;before
+us?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is briefly this,&rdquo; said Delilah. &ldquo;It has
+been suggested that we invite the crew of this vessel to a
+chafing-dish party, under the supervision of Lucretia Borgia, and
+that she&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the
+speaker was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant
+opening, and the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged
+ruffian Captain Kidd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ladies,&rdquo; he began, &ldquo;I have come here to
+explain to you the situation in which you find yourselves. Have I
+your permission to speak?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the
+occasion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Go on,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity,
+turning to the interloper; and the pirate proceeded to take the
+second step in the nefarious plan upon which he and his brother
+ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in through the window of
+the bundle of fashion papers was the first.</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_VII" id="Ch_VII">VII</a></h3>
+<h2>The &ldquo;Gehenna&rdquo; is Chartered</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the
+preceding chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the
+<em>Gehenna</em>, which was nothing more nor less than the shadow
+of the ill-starred ocean steamship <em>City of Chicago</em>, which
+tried some years ago to reach Liverpool by taking the overland
+route through Ireland, fortunately without detriment to her
+passengers or crew, who had the pleasure of the experience of
+shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning. As will be
+remembered, the obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented
+the <em>City of Chicago</em> from proceeding farther inland than
+was necessary to keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient
+and not too stony bed; and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks
+she was finally disposed of to the Styx Navigation Company, under
+which title Charon had had himself incorporated, is a matter of
+nautical history. The change of name to the <em>Gehenna</em> was
+the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a desire
+to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of the Stygian
+capital against the flourishing and ever-growing metropolis of
+Illinois.</p>
+<p>The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this
+craft. Charon, through his constant association with life on both
+sides of the dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or less
+intimate, of modern business methods, and while as janitor of the
+club he was subject to the will of the House Committee, and
+sympathized deeply with the members of the association in their
+trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation Company he was bound
+up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which were
+embarrassing to those members of the association to whose hands the
+chartering of a vessel had been committed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;See here, Charon,&rdquo; Sir Walter Raleigh had said,
+after Charon had expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but
+unable to shave the terms upon which the vessel could be had,
+&ldquo;you are an infernal old hypocrite. You go about wringing
+your hands over our misfortunes until they&rsquo;ve got as dry and
+flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask you for a ship
+of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you
+become a sort of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse. His
+instincts are accidents of birth. Yours are cultivated, and you
+know it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter,&rdquo; Charon had
+answered to this. &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t understand my position. It
+is a very hard one. As janitor of your club I am really prostrated
+over the events of the past twenty-four hours. My occupation is
+gone, and my despair over your loss is correspondingly greater, for
+I have time on my hands to brood over it. I was hysterical as a
+woman yesterday afternoon&mdash;so hysterical that I came near
+upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to
+Madame Medusa&rsquo;s villa last evening; and right at the sluice
+of the vitriol reservoir at that.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_13.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_13.jpg" alt=
+"Three men sit in the office of the Styx Navigation Co." title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_13" name="illo_13" width="174" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR
+WALTER&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Then why the deuce don&rsquo;t you do something to help
+us?&rdquo; pleaded Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How can I do any more than I have done? I&rsquo;ve
+offered you the <em>Gehenna</em>,&rdquo; retorted Charon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But on what terms?&rdquo; expostulated Raleigh. &ldquo;If
+we had all the wealth of the Indies we&rsquo;d have difficulty in
+paying you the sums you demand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But I am only president of the company,&rdquo; explained
+Charon. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d like, as president, to show you some
+courtesy, and I&rsquo;m perfectly willing to do so; but when it
+comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I&rsquo;m bound by my
+official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders. It
+isn&rsquo;t as it used to be when I had boats to hire in my own
+behalf alone. In those days I had nobody&rsquo;s interest but my
+own to look after. Now the ships all belong to the Styx Navigation
+Company. Can&rsquo;t you see the difference?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You own all the stock, don&rsquo;t you?&rdquo; insisted
+Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know,&rdquo; Charon answered, blandly.
+&ldquo;I haven&rsquo;t seen the transfer-books lately.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But you know that you did own every share of it, and that
+you haven&rsquo;t sold any, don&rsquo;t you?&rdquo; put in
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared,
+and Sir Walter&rsquo;s heart sank, for it was evident that the old
+fellow could not be cornered.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s this way, Sir Walter, and your
+Highness,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;I&mdash;I can&rsquo;t say whether
+any of that stock has been transferred or not. The fact is,
+I&rsquo;ve been speculating a little on margin, and I&rsquo;ve put
+up that stock as security, and, for all I know, I may have been
+sold out by my brokers. I&rsquo;ve been so upset by this
+unfortunate occurrence that I haven&rsquo;t seen the market reports
+for two days. Really you&rsquo;ll have to be content with my offer
+or go without the <em>Gehenna</em>. There&rsquo;s too much
+suspicion attached to high corporate officials lately for me to
+yield a jot in the position I have taken. It would never do to get
+you all ready to start, and then have an injunction clapped on you
+by some unforeseen stockholder who was not satisfied with the terms
+offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me that to retain my
+position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a trust
+committed to my charge. I&rsquo;ll gladly lend you my private
+launch, though I don&rsquo;t think it will aid you much, because
+the naphtha-tank has exploded, and the screw slipped off and went
+to the bottom two weeks ago. Still, it is at your service, and
+I&rsquo;ve no doubt that either Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will
+carve out a paddle for you if you ask him to.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bah!&rdquo; retorted Raleigh. &ldquo;You might as well
+offer us a pair of skates.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I would, if I thought the river&rsquo;d freeze,&rdquo;
+retorted Charon, blandly.</p>
+<p>Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to
+his own devices, which for the time being consisted largely of
+winking his other eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of
+grief.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He&rsquo;s too canny for us, I am afraid,&rdquo; said Sir
+Walter. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll have to pay him his money.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes,&rdquo; suggested
+Hamlet, and this they proceeded at once to do.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There is but one thing to be done,&rdquo; observed the
+astute detective after he had heard Sir Walter&rsquo;s statement of
+the case. &ldquo;It is an old saying that one should fight fire
+with fire. We must meet modern business methods with modern
+commercial ideas. Charter his vessel at his own price.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But we&rsquo;d never be able to pay,&rdquo; said
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ha-ha!&rdquo; laughed Holmes. &ldquo;It is evident that
+you know nothing of the laws of trade nowadays. Don&rsquo;t
+pay!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But how can we?&rdquo; asked Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The method is simple. You haven&rsquo;t anything to pay
+with,&rdquo; returned Holmes. &ldquo;Let him sue. Suppose he gets a
+verdict. You haven&rsquo;t anything he can attach&mdash;if you
+have, make it over to your wives or your
+fianc&eacute;es.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is that honest?&rdquo; asked Hamlet, shaking his head
+doubtfully.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s business,&rdquo; said Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But suppose he wants an advance payment?&rdquo; queried
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Give him a check drawn to his own order. He&rsquo;ll have
+to endorse it when he deposits it, and that will make him
+responsible,&rdquo; laughed Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What a simple thing when you understand it!&rdquo;
+commented Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very,&rdquo; said Holmes. &ldquo;Business is getting by
+slow degrees to be an exact science. It reminds me of the Brighton
+mystery, in which I played a modest part some ten years ago, when I
+first took up ferreting as a profession. I was sitting one night in
+my room at one of the Brighton hotels, which shall be nameless. I
+never give the name of any of the hotels at which I stop, because
+it might give offence to the proprietors of other hotels, with the
+result that my books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice
+it to say that I was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton
+with my friend Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying our
+evening smoke together upon a small balcony overlooking the water,
+when there came a timid knock on the door of my room.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Watson,&rsquo; said I, &lsquo;here comes some one
+for advice. Do you wish to wager a small bottle upon it?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Yes,&rsquo; he answered, with a smile. &lsquo;I am
+thirsty and I&rsquo;d like a small bottle; and while I do not
+expect to win, I&rsquo;ll take the bet. I should like to know,
+though, how you know.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;It is quite simple,&rsquo; said I. &lsquo;The
+timidity of the knock shows that my visitor is one of two classes
+of persons&mdash;an autograph-hunter or a client, one of the two.
+You see I give you a chance to win. It may be an autograph-hunter,
+but I think it is a client. If it were a creditor, he would knock
+boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the maid, she would not
+knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would not come until I
+had rung five times for him. None of these things has occurred; the
+knock is the half-hearted knock which betokens either that the
+person who knocked is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his
+reception. I am willing, however, considering the heat and my
+desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it is a
+client.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Done,&rsquo; said Watson; and I immediately
+remarked, &lsquo;Come in.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of
+age, in a bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance
+what had happened.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Your name is Burgess,&rsquo; I said. &lsquo;You
+came here from London this morning, expecting to return to-night.
+You brought no luggage with you. After luncheon you went in
+bathing. You had machine No. 35, and when you came out of the water
+you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your clothes and the
+silver watch your uncle gave you on the day you succeeded to his
+business.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course, gentlemen,&rdquo; observed the detective, with
+a smile at Sir Walter and Hamlet&mdash;&ldquo;of course the man
+fairly gasped, and I continued: &lsquo;You have been lying face
+downward in the sand ever since, waiting for nightfall, so that you
+could come to me for assistance, not considering it good form to
+make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad in a
+bathing-suit. Am I correct?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Sir,&rsquo; he replied, with a look of wonder,
+&lsquo;you have narrated my story exactly as it happened, and I
+find I have made no mistake in coming to you. Would you mind
+telling me what is your course of reasoning?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;It is plain as day,&rsquo; said I. &lsquo;I am the
+person with the red beard with whom you came down third class from
+London this morning, and you told me your name was Burgess and that
+you were a butcher. When you looked to see the time, I remarked
+upon the oddness of your watch, which led to your telling me that
+it was the gift of your uncle.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;True,&rsquo; said Burgess, &lsquo;but I did not
+tell you I had no luggage.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;No,&rsquo; said I, &lsquo;but that you
+hadn&rsquo;t is plain; for if you had brought any other clothing
+besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on to come
+here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from your
+costume.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;But the number of the machine?&rsquo; asked
+Watson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Is on the tag on the key hanging about his
+neck,&rsquo; said I.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;One more question,&rsquo; queried Burgess.
+&lsquo;How do you know I have been lying face downward on the beach
+ever since?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;By the sand in your eyebrows,&rsquo; I replied;
+and Watson ordered up the small bottle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I fail to see what it was in our conversation,
+however,&rdquo; observed Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the delay
+caused by the narration of this tale, &ldquo;that suggested this
+train of thought to you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The sequel will show,&rdquo; returned Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, Lord!&rdquo; put in Raleigh. &ldquo;Can&rsquo;t we
+put off the sequel until a later issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that
+we are constantly losing time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to
+the office of the Navigation Company,&rdquo; observed the
+detective. &ldquo;When the bottle came I invited Mr. Burgess to
+join us, which he did, and as the hour was late when we came to
+separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight. This he
+accepted, and we retired.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was
+cleared.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You had dreamed its solution?&rdquo; asked Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; replied Holmes. &ldquo;Burgess had disappeared
+with all my clothing, my false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch.
+The only thing he had left me was the bathing-suit and a few empty
+small bottles.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And why, may I ask,&rdquo; put in Hamlet, as they drew
+near to Charon&rsquo;s office&mdash;&ldquo;why does that case
+remind you of business as it is conducted to-day?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless
+you know it all,&rdquo; explained Holmes. &ldquo;I omitted in the
+case of Burgess to observe one thing about him. Had I observed that
+his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and with a lifted base, and
+that his auricular temporal angle was between 96 and 97 degrees, I
+should have known at once that he was an impostor. <em>Vide</em>
+Ottolenghui on &lsquo;Ears and Noses I Have Met,&rsquo; pp.
+631-640.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his
+ears?&rdquo; demanded Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If he has any&mdash;yes; but I did not know that at the
+time of the Brighton mystery. Therefore I should have stayed out of
+the case. But here we are. Good-morning, Charon.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>By this time the trio had entered the private office of the
+president of the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the
+vessel was chartered at a fabulous price.</p>
+<p>On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked
+Holmes if he thought the plan they had settled upon would work.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Charon is a very shrewd old fellow,&rdquo; said he.
+&ldquo;He may outwit us yet.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your
+favor,&rdquo; observed Holmes, quietly, with a glance at
+Raleigh&rsquo;s ears. &ldquo;The temporal angle of your ears is
+93-1/8 degrees, whereas Charon&rsquo;s stand out at 91, by my
+otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to
+his. If criminology is an exact science, reasoning by your
+respective ears, you ought to beat him out by a perceptible though
+possibly narrow margin.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations,
+and within twelve hours the <em>Gehenna</em> was under way,
+carrying a full complement of crew and officers, with every
+state-room on board occupied by some spirit of the more illustrious
+kind.</p>
+<p>Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the
+dead of night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had
+hidden himself in an empty water-cask in the forecastle.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_14.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_14.jpg" alt="A man sneaks up a gang-plank" title=
+"&ldquo;IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK&rdquo;"
+id="illo_14" name="illo_14" width="158" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE
+GANG-PLANK&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;Tisn&rsquo;t Venice,&rdquo; he said, as he sat
+down and breathed heavily through the bung of the barrel,
+&ldquo;but it&rsquo;s musty and damp enough, and, considering the
+cost, I can&rsquo;t complain. You can&rsquo;t get something for
+nothing, even in Hades.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_VIII" id="Ch_VIII">VIII</a></h3>
+<h2>On Board the &ldquo;Gehenna&rdquo;</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>When the <em>Gehenna</em> had passed down the Styx and out
+through the beautiful Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the
+ocean, and everything was comparatively safe for a while at least,
+Sherlock Holmes came down from the bridge, where he had taken his
+place as the commander of the expedition at the moment of
+departure. His brow was furrowed with anxiety, and through his
+massive forehead his brain could be seen to be throbbing violently,
+and the corrugations of his gray matter were not pleasant to
+witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an idea out of them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What is the matter?&rdquo; asked Demosthenes, anxiously.
+&ldquo;We are not in any danger, are we?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; replied Holmes. &ldquo;But I am somewhat
+puzzled at the bubbles on the surface of the ocean, and the ripples
+which we passed over an hour or two ago, barely perceptible through
+the most powerful microscope, indicate to my mind that for some
+reason at present unknown to me the House-boat has changed her
+course. Take that bubble floating by. It is the last expiring bit
+of aerial agitation of the House-boat&rsquo;s wake. Observe whence
+it comes. Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of
+steering a straight course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp
+turn to the northeast, and was making for Havre; or, in other
+words, Paris instead of London seems to have become their
+destination.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep
+from stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his
+lips, he opened his <em>bonbonni&egrave;re</em> and swallowed a
+pebble.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t happen to have a cocaine tablet in your
+box, do you?&rdquo; queried Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; returned the Greek. &ldquo;Cocaine makes me
+flighty and nervous, but these pebbles sort of ballast me and hold
+me down. How on earth do you know that that bubble comes from the
+wake of the House-boat?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By my chemical knowledge, merely,&rdquo; replied Holmes.
+&ldquo;A merely worldly vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in
+its wake. That one we have just discovered is not so, but
+sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which it seems to me the
+English language is very much in need of. It proves, then, that the
+bubble is a portion of the wake of a Stygian craft, and the only
+Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is
+the House-boat&mdash;Q.E.D.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow
+that, I presume,&rdquo; sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock
+in the theories of his great rival, largely because he was a
+detective by intuition rather than by study of the science.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You can if you want to, but it is better not to,&rdquo;
+rejoined Holmes, simply, as though not observing the sneer,
+&ldquo;because the ripple represents the outer lines of the angle
+of disturbance in the water; and as any one of the sides to an
+angle is greater than the perpendicular from the hypothenuse to the
+apex, you&rsquo;d merely be going the long way. This is especially
+important when you consider the formation of the bow of the
+House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and
+comes near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of ninety
+degrees.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then,&rdquo; observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of
+disappointment, &ldquo;we must change our course and sail for
+Paris?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am afraid so,&rdquo; said Holmes; &ldquo;but of course
+it&rsquo;s by no means certain as yet. I think if Columbus would go
+up into the mizzentop and look about him, he might discover
+something either in confirmation or refutation of the
+theory.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He couldn&rsquo;t discover anything,&rdquo; put in
+Pinzon. &ldquo;He never did.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I like that!&rdquo; retorted Columbus.
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to know who discovered America.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So should I,&rdquo; observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at
+Vespucci.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut!&rdquo; retorted Columbus. &ldquo;I did it, and the
+world knows it, whether you claim it or not.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat,&rdquo; replied
+Pinzon. &ldquo;You sat upon the deck until we ran plumb into an
+island, after floating about for three months, and then you
+couldn&rsquo;t tell it from a continent, even when you had it right
+before your eyes. Noah might just as well have told his family that
+he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back to Spain telling
+&lsquo;em all that San Salvador was the United States.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I don&rsquo;t care,&rdquo; said Columbus, with a
+short laugh. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m the one they celebrate, so
+what&rsquo;s the odds? I&rsquo;d rather stay down here in the
+smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast
+and strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to
+prove or disprove the correctness of another man&rsquo;s theory. I
+wouldn&rsquo;t know evidence when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge
+Blackstone.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I draw the line at the mizzentop,&rdquo; observed
+Blackstone. &ldquo;The dignity of the bench must and shall be
+preserved, and I&rsquo;ll never consent to climb up that rigging,
+getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks me to
+go.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_15.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_15.jpg" alt=
+"A judge crosses his arms while the proper-looking man looks angry"
+title="JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP" id=
+"illo_15" name="illo_15" width="169" height="216" /></a>
+<p>JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go,&rdquo; put in Holmes,
+firmly. &ldquo;I am commander of this ship. It will pay you to
+remember that, Judge Blackstone.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And I am the Court of Appeals,&rdquo; retorted
+Blackstone, hotly. &ldquo;Bear that in mind, captain, when you try
+to send me up. I&rsquo;ll issue a writ of <em>habeas corpus</em> on
+my own body, and commit you for contempt.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There&rsquo;s no use of sending the Judge, anyhow,&rdquo;
+said Raleigh, fearing by the glitter that came into the eye of the
+commander that trouble might ensue unless pacificatory measures
+were resorted to. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s accustomed to weighing
+everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision. If he
+saw any evidence, he&rsquo;d have to sit on it a week before
+reaching a conclusion. What we need here more than anything else is
+an expert seaman, a lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has sailed
+under his father, and I have it on good authority that he is a
+nautical expert.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the
+necessity of disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he
+finally yielded.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;Shem be it.
+Bo&rsquo;sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him that general order
+number one requires him to report at the mizzentop right away, and
+that immediately he sees anything he shall come below and make it
+known to me. As for the rest of us, having a very considerable
+appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time. Shall we go
+below?&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_16.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_16.jpg" alt=
+"An old man hugs a mast high in the air" title=
+"SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT" id="illo_16" name="illo_16" width="161"
+height="216" /></a>
+<p>SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think I care for any, thank you,&rdquo;
+said Raleigh. &ldquo;Fact is&mdash;ah&mdash;I dined last week, and
+am not hungry.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Noah laughed. &ldquo;Oh, come below and watch us eat,
+then,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;It&rsquo;ll do you good.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his
+state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck. The
+rest of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were
+soon engaged in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder
+provided.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This,&rdquo; said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the
+table, &ldquo;is what I call comfort. I don&rsquo;t know that I am
+so anxious to recover the House-boat, after all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nor I,&rdquo; said Socrates, &ldquo;with a ship like this
+to go off cruising on, and with such a larder. Look at the
+thickness of that puree, Doctor&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me,&rdquo; said Boswell, faintly, &ldquo;but
+I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve left my note-bub-book upstairs, Doctor, and
+I&rsquo;d like to go up and get it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly,&rdquo; said Dr. Johnson. &ldquo;I judge from
+your color, which is highly suggestive of a modern magazine poster,
+that it might be well too if you stayed on deck for a little while
+and made a few entries in your commonplace book.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you,&rdquo; said Boswell, gratefully. &ldquo;Shall
+you say anything clever during dinner, sir? If so, I might be
+putting it down while I&rsquo;m up&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Get out!&rdquo; roared the Doctor. &ldquo;Get up as high
+as you can&mdash;get up with Shem on the
+mizzentop&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very good, sir,&rdquo; replied Boswell, and he was
+off.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor,&rdquo;
+said Bonaparte; &ldquo;he means well.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I know it,&rdquo; observed Johnson; &ldquo;but he&rsquo;s
+so very previous. Last winter, at Chaucer&rsquo;s dinner to Burns,
+I made a speech, which Boswell printed a week before it was
+delivered, with the words &lsquo;laughter&rsquo; and
+&lsquo;uproarious applause&rsquo; interspersed through it. It
+placed me in a false position.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How did he know what you were going to say?&rdquo;
+queried Demosthenes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t know,&rdquo; replied Johnson. &ldquo;Kind of
+mind-reader, I fancy,&rdquo; he added, blushing a trifle.
+&ldquo;But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from your
+observation of the wake of the House-boat? If she&rsquo;s going to
+Paris, why the change?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have two theories,&rdquo; replied the detective.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which is always safe,&rdquo; said Le Coq.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Always; it doubles your chances of success,&rdquo;
+acquiesced Holmes. &ldquo;Anyhow, it gives you a choice, which
+makes it more interesting. The change of her course from Londonward
+to Parisward proves to me either that Kidd is not satisfied with
+the extent of the revenge he has already taken, and wishes to ruin
+you gentlemen financially by turning your wives, daughters, and
+sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the pirates have
+themselves been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided to
+prolong their cruise and get some fun out of their
+misfortune.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And where else than to Paris would any one in search of
+pleasure go?&rdquo; asked Bonaparte.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels,&rdquo;
+said Wellington, with a sly wink at Washington.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, let up on that!&rdquo; retorted Bonaparte. &ldquo;It
+wasn&rsquo;t you beat me at Waterloo. You couldn&rsquo;t have
+beaten me at a plain ordinary game of old-maid with a stacked pack
+of cards, much less in the game of war, if you hadn&rsquo;t had the
+elements with you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut!&rdquo; snapped Wellington. &ldquo;It was clear
+science laid you out, Boney.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Taisey-voo!&rdquo; shouted the irate Corsican.
+&ldquo;Clear science be hanged! Wet science was what did it. If it
+hadn&rsquo;t been for the rain, my little Duke, I should have been
+in London within a week, my grenadiers would have been camping in
+your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere
+else.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You must have had a gay army, then,&rdquo; laughed
+C&aelig;sar. &ldquo;What are French soldiers made of, that they
+can&rsquo;t stand the wet&mdash;unshrunk linen or
+flannel?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bah!&rdquo; observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders
+and walking a few paces away. &ldquo;You do not understand the
+French. The Frenchman is not a pell-mell soldier like you Romans;
+he is the poet of arms; he does not go in for glory at the expense
+of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than honor, and he
+has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out of the fight
+conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and his
+epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no glory in water. But if
+we had had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as every Englishman who
+comes to the Continent always has, and a bath-tub for everybody,
+then would your Waterloo have been different again, and the great
+democracy of Europe with a Bonaparte for emperor would have been
+founded for what the Americans call the keeps; and as for your
+little Great Britain, ha! she would have become the
+Blackwell&rsquo;s Island of the Greater France.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;re almost as funny as <em>Punch</em>
+isn&rsquo;t,&rdquo; drawled Wellington, with an angry gesture at
+Bonaparte. &ldquo;You weren&rsquo;t within telephoning distance of
+victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a
+regular game of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and
+win a few holes, but on the home drive we had you beaten in one
+stroke. Go to, my dear Bonaparte, and stop talking about the
+flood.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn&rsquo;t a
+Frenchman, eh?&rdquo; said Frederick the Great. &ldquo;How that
+rain would have fazed him if he had been! The human race would have
+been wiped out.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, pshaw!&rdquo; ejaculated Noah, deprecating the
+unseemliness of the quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately
+about Bonaparte&rsquo;s shoulder. &ldquo;When you come down to
+that, I was French&mdash;as French as one could be in those
+days&mdash;and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every
+one of &lsquo;em, my lineal descendants, and their hatred of rain
+was inherited directly from me, their ancestor.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Are not we English as much your descendants?&rdquo;
+queried Wellington, arching his eyebrows.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are,&rdquo; said Noah, &ldquo;but you take after Mrs.
+Noah more than after me. Water never fazes a woman, and your
+delight in tubs is an essentially feminine trait. The first thing
+Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry outfit, and then she went
+back for rugs and coats and all sorts of hand-baggage. Gad, it
+makes me laugh to this day when I think of it! She looked for all
+the world like an Englishman travelling on the Continent as she
+walked up the gang-plank behind the elephants, each elephant with a
+Gladstone bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail.&rdquo;
+Here the venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and
+the little quarrel which had been imminent passed off in a general
+laugh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s Boswell? He ought to get that
+anecdote,&rdquo; said Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve locked him up in the library,&rdquo; said
+Holmes. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s in charge of the log, and as I have a
+pretty good general idea as to what is about to happen, I have
+mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work writing it
+up.&rdquo; Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand
+to his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking out his
+watch and glancing at it, added, quietly, &ldquo;In three minutes
+Shem will be in here to announce a discovery, and one of great
+importance, I judge, from the squeak.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The squeak?&rdquo; queried Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely,&rdquo; said Holmes. &ldquo;The squeak is what
+I said, and as I always say what I mean, it follows logically that
+I meant what I said.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I heard no squeak,&rdquo; observed Dr. Johnson;
+&ldquo;and, furthermore, I fail to see how a squeak, if I had heard
+it, would have portended a discovery of importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would not&mdash;to you,&rdquo; said Holmes; &ldquo;but
+with me it is different. My hearing is unusually acute. I can hear
+the dropping of a pin through a stone wall ten feet thick; any
+sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates thereon with an
+intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use of cocaine
+that I have acquired this wonderfully acute sense. A property which
+dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly apprehensive;
+therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular
+disturbance, to me there was. I heard Shem sliding down the mast a
+minute since. The fact that he slid down the mast instead of
+climbing down the rigging showed that he was in great haste,
+therefore he must have something to communicate of great
+importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why isn&rsquo;t he here already, then? It wouldn&rsquo;t
+take him two minutes to get from the deck here,&rdquo; asked the
+ever-suspicious Le Coq.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is simple,&rdquo; returned Holmes, calmly. &ldquo;If
+you will go yourself and slide down that mast you will see. Shem
+has stopped for a little witch-hazel to soothe his burns. It is no
+cool matter sliding down a mast two hundred feet in
+height.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed
+in.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A signal of distress, captain!&rdquo; he cried.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;From what quarter&mdash;to larboard?&rdquo; asked
+Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; returned Shem, breathless.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then it must be dead ahead,&rdquo; said Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why not to starboard?&rdquo; asked Le Coq, dryly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Because,&rdquo; answered Holmes, confidently, &ldquo;it
+never happens so. If you had ever read a truly exciting sea-tale,
+my dear Le Coq, you would have known that interesting things, and
+particularly signals of distress, are never seen except to larboard
+or dead ahead.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq
+subsided.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The nature of the signal?&rdquo; demanded Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at
+half-mast!&rdquo; cried Shem, &ldquo;and on a rock-bound
+coast!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They&rsquo;re marooned, by heavens!&rdquo; shouted
+Holmes, springing to his feet and rushing to the deck, where he was
+joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr. Johnson, Bonaparte, and the
+others.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t he a daisy?&rdquo; whispered Demosthenes to
+Diogenes as they climbed the stairs.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He is more than that; he&rsquo;s a blooming
+orchid,&rdquo; said Diogenes, with intense enthusiasm. &ldquo;I
+think I&rsquo;ll get my X-ray lantern and see if he&rsquo;s
+honest.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_IX" id="Ch_IX">IX</a></h3>
+<h2>Captain Kidd Meets with an Obstacle</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, your Majesty,&rdquo; remarked Helen of Troy as
+Cleopatra accorded permission to Captain Kidd to speak, &ldquo;I
+have not been introduced to this gentleman nor has he been
+presented to me, and I really cannot consent to any proceeding so
+irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor
+do I permit them to address me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear, hear!&rdquo; cried Xanthippe. &ldquo;I quite agree
+with the principle of my young friend from Troy. It may be that
+when we claimed for ourselves all the rights of men that the right
+to speak and be spoken to by other men without an introduction was
+included in the list, but I for one have no desire to avail myself
+of the privilege, especially when it&rsquo;s a horrid-looking man
+like this.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the
+ladies fainted.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will withdraw,&rdquo; he said, turning to Cleopatra;
+and it must be said that his suggestion was prompted by his
+heartfelt wish, for now that he found himself thus conspicuously
+brought before so many women, with falsehood on his lips, his
+courage began to ooze.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not yet, please,&rdquo; answered the chair-lady. &ldquo;I
+imagine we can get about this difficulty without much
+trouble.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it a perfectly proper objection too,&rdquo;
+observed Delilah, rising. &ldquo;If we ever needed etiquette we
+need it now. But I have a plan which will obviate any further
+difficulty. If there is no one among us who is sufficiently well
+acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to us, I will
+for the time being take upon myself the office of ship&rsquo;s
+barber and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper
+thing for barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to
+whom they have not been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a
+hair-cut badly. Thus I shall establish an acquaintance with the
+captain, after which I can with propriety introduce him to the rest
+of you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to
+that,&rdquo; put in Queen Elizabeth. &ldquo;If I remember rightly,
+your last customer was very much dissatisfied with the trim you
+gave him.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah
+proposes,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, with a kindly smile, as she rose
+up from the corner in which she had been sitting, an interested
+listener. &ldquo;I can introduce the gentleman to you all with
+perfect propriety. He&rsquo;s a member of my family. His
+grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand and eight times
+removed of my son Shem&rsquo;s great-grandnephew on his
+father&rsquo;s side. His relationship to me is therefore obvious,
+though from what I know of his reputation I think he takes more
+after my husband&rsquo;s ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these
+ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my
+most famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and
+he has been hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as
+an acquaintance, has served merely to render him harmless, and
+therefore a safe person to know. Now, my son, go ahead and speak
+your piece.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors
+having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now that I know you all,&rdquo; he remarked, as
+pleasantly as he could under the circumstances, &ldquo;I feel that
+I can speak more freely, and certainly with a great deal less
+embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering of entire
+strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always
+felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of this
+nature. In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible
+impulse to make a public address of any length, and that was upon
+that unhappy occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my
+great-grandmothers has alluded, and that only as the chain by which
+I was suspended in mid-air tightened about my vocal chords. At that
+moment I could have talked impromptu for a year, so fast and
+numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import surge upward into
+my brain; but circumstances over which I had no control prevented
+the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost
+to the world.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He has the gift of continuity,&rdquo; observed Madame
+R&eacute;camier.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ought to be in the United States Senate,&rdquo; smiled
+Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is
+outrageously handsome or desperately ugly,&rdquo; remarked Helen of
+Troy. &ldquo;He fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of
+liking or of horror I can&rsquo;t tell, and it&rsquo;s quite
+important.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ladies,&rdquo; resumed the captain, his uneasiness
+increasing as he came to the point, &ldquo;I am but the agent of
+your respective husbands, <em>fianc&eacute;s</em>, and other
+masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenants
+of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may
+add highly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have
+noted of late years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is
+becoming every day more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in
+all parts of the universe&mdash;on the earth, where women are
+clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at night
+without an escort; in Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware, the
+management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the
+hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter himself,
+where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private lessons
+in the art of hurling thunderbolts&mdash;information which the
+extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth
+would seem to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast
+hither and yon in a most erratic fashion, striking where they were
+least expected, as those of you who keep in touch with the outer
+world must be fully aware. Now, actuated by their usual broad and
+liberal motives, the men of Hades wish to meet the views of you
+ladies to just that extent that your views are based upon a wise
+selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have come to me
+and in so many words have said, &lsquo;Mr. Kidd, we wish the women
+of Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not
+like this constantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen
+all the life that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to
+the task of showing them about. We will pay you liberally if you
+will take our House-boat, which they have always been anxious to
+enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London,
+and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life as they can stand.
+Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only bring them back
+again to us safe and sound.&rsquo; These were their words, ladies.
+I asked them why they didn&rsquo;t come along themselves, saying
+that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some
+personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably
+and well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they
+feared they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing
+influence upon you. &lsquo;We want them to feel absolutely free,
+Captain Kidd,&rsquo; said they, &lsquo;and if we are along they may
+not feel so.&rsquo; The answer was convincing, ladies, and I
+accepted the commission.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But we knew nothing of all this,&rdquo; interposed
+Elizabeth. &ldquo;The subject was not broached to us by our
+husbands, brothers, <em>fianc&eacute;s</em>, or fathers. My
+brother, Sir Walter Raleigh&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Cleopatra chuckled. &ldquo;Brother! Brother&rsquo;s good,&rdquo;
+she said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, that&rsquo;s what he is,&rdquo; retorted Elizabeth,
+quickly. &ldquo;I promised to be a sister to him, and I&rsquo;m
+going to keep my word. That&rsquo;s the kind of a queen I am. I was
+about to remark,&rdquo; Elizabeth added, turning to the captain,
+&ldquo;that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at
+any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in matters of so
+great importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is easily accounted for, madame,&rdquo; retorted
+Kidd. &ldquo;Sir Walter intended this as a little surprise for you,
+that is all. The arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it
+was he who bound us all to secrecy. None of the ladies were to be
+informed of it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It does not sound altogether plausible,&rdquo; interposed
+Portia. &ldquo;If you ladies do not object, I should like to
+cross-examine this&mdash;ah&mdash;gentleman.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial;
+however, he put as good a face on the matter as he could, and
+announced his willingness to answer any questions that he might be
+asked.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_17.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_17.jpg" alt=
+"An imperious woman towers over a drooping seated man" title=
+"CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA" id="illo_17"
+name="illo_17" width="216" height="170" /></a>
+<p>CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Shall we put him under oath?&rdquo; asked Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;As you please, ladies,&rdquo; said the pirate. &ldquo;A
+pirate&rsquo;s word is as good as his bond; but I&rsquo;ll take an
+oath if you choose&mdash;a half-dozen of &lsquo;em, if need
+be.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I fancy we can get along without that,&rdquo; said
+Portia. &ldquo;Now, Captain Kidd, who first proposed this
+plan?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Socrates,&rdquo; said Kidd, unblushingly, with a sly
+glance at Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What?&rdquo; cried Xanthippe. &ldquo;My husband propose
+anything that would contribute to my pleasure or intellectual
+advancement? Bah! Your story is transparently false at the
+outset.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nevertheless,&rdquo; said Kidd, &ldquo;the scheme was
+proposed by Socrates. He said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe
+would be very restful and health-giving.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For me?&rdquo; cried Xanthippe, sceptically.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, madame, for him,&rdquo; retorted Kidd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah&mdash;ho-ho! That&rsquo;s the way of it, eh?&rdquo;
+said Xanthippe, flushing to the roots of her hair. &ldquo;Very
+likely. You&mdash;ah&mdash;you will excuse my doubting your word,
+Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark, and in order to
+make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am now
+perfectly convinced that you are telling the truth. That last
+observation is just like my husband, and when I get back home
+again, if I ever do, well&mdash;ha, ha!&mdash;we&rsquo;ll have a
+merry time, that&rsquo;s all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And what was&mdash;ah&mdash;Bassanio&rsquo;s connection
+with this affair?&rdquo; added Portia, hesitatingly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He was not informed of it,&rdquo; said Kidd, archly.
+&ldquo;I am not acquainted with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard
+Sir Walter enjoining upon the others the absolute necessity of
+keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because he was afraid he
+would not consent to it. &lsquo;Bassanio has a most beautiful wife,
+gentlemen,&rsquo; said Sir Walter, &lsquo;and he wouldn&rsquo;t
+think of parting with her under any circumstances; therefore let us
+keep our intentions a secret from him.&rsquo; I did not hear whom
+the gentleman married, madame; but the others, Prince Hamlet, the
+Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed that Mrs.
+Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated from, and that
+it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to their
+little enterprise until it was too late for him to
+interfere.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
+cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that
+the wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other
+hand, Elizabeth&rsquo;s brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and
+the spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he turned and
+gazed upon that glowering face.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?&rdquo; snapped
+Elizabeth. &ldquo;And yet he was willing to part
+with&mdash;ah&mdash;his sister.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, your Majesty,&rdquo; began Kidd, hesitatingly,
+&ldquo;you see it was this way: Sir Walter&mdash;er&mdash;did say
+that, but&mdash;ah&mdash;he&mdash;ah&mdash;but he added that he of
+course merely judged&mdash;er&mdash;this man Bassanio&rsquo;s
+feelings by his own in parting from his sister&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Did he say sister?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well&mdash;no&mdash;not in those words,&rdquo; shuffled
+Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein his error lay,
+&ldquo;but&mdash;ah&mdash;I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his
+intense enthusiasm for the lady&rsquo;s beauty
+and&mdash;er&mdash;intellectual qualities, that he referred to you,
+and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge as to the
+fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists between
+you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That man&rsquo;s a diplomat from Diplomaville!&rdquo;
+muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was
+listening at the port without.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He is that,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;but he
+can&rsquo;t last much longer. He&rsquo;s perspiring like a pitcher
+of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his size and volatile
+nature can&rsquo;t stand much of that without evaporating. If you
+will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already has
+vanished into thin air.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By Jove!&rdquo; whispered Conrad, &ldquo;that&rsquo;s a
+fact! If they don&rsquo;t let up on him he&rsquo;ll vanish.
+He&rsquo;s getting excessively tenuous about the top of his
+head.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he
+had little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band
+was rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely
+noted, was in imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in
+the case of one possessed of so little elementary purity, meant
+nothing short of annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his
+wonderful tact had stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was
+satisfied with his explanation, and in the minds of at least three
+of the most influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and
+Elizabeth, he had become a creature worthy of credence, which meant
+that he had nothing more to fear.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am prepared, your Majesty,&rdquo; said Elizabeth,
+addressing Cleopatra, &ldquo;to accept from this time on the
+gentleman&rsquo;s word. The little that he has already told us is
+hall-marked with truth. I should like to ask, however, one more
+question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected to embark
+us upon this voyage without letting us into the secret?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, as for that,&rdquo; replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn
+sigh of relief, for he too had noticed the gradual evaporation of
+his arm and the incipient etherization of his
+cranium&mdash;&ldquo;as for that, it was simple enough. There was
+to have been a day set apart for ladies&rsquo; day at the club, and
+when you were all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and
+start. The fact that you had anticipated the day, of your own
+volition, was telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters, and
+that news was by me transmitted by messenger to Sir Walter at
+Charon&rsquo;s Glen Island, where the long-talked-of fight between
+Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately replied,
+&lsquo;<em>Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love
+to Elizabeth.</em>&rsquo; Wherefore, ladies,&rdquo; he added,
+rising from his chair and walking to the
+door&mdash;&ldquo;wherefore you are here and in my care. Make
+yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers
+which you have already received prepare yourselves for the joys
+that await you. With the aid of Madame R&eacute;camier and
+Baedeker&rsquo;s <em>Paris</em>, which you will find in the
+library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you
+resemble a great many less fortunate women who don&rsquo;t know
+what they want.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted
+in the arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too
+great.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A charming fellow,&rdquo; said Portia, as the pirate
+disappeared.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Most attractive,&rdquo; said Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Handsome, too, don&rsquo;t you think?&rdquo; asked Helen
+of Troy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And truthful beyond peradventure,&rdquo; observed
+Xanthippe, as she reflected upon the words the captain had
+attributed to Socrates. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t believe him at first,
+but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had said, I
+was convinced.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He&rsquo;s a sweet child,&rdquo; interposed Mrs. Noah,
+fondly. &ldquo;One of my favorite grandchildren.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which makes it embarrassing for me to say,&rdquo; cried
+Cassandra, starting up angrily, &ldquo;that he is a base
+caitiff!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not
+have created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What?&rdquo; cried several voices at once. &ldquo;A
+caitiff?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A caitiff with a capital K,&rdquo; retorted Cassandra.
+&ldquo;I know that, because while he was telling his story I was
+listening to it with one ear and looking forward into the middle of
+next week with the other&mdash;I mean the other eye&mdash;and I
+saw&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, you saw?&rdquo; cried Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he
+is a base caitiff,&rdquo; replied Cassandra&mdash;&ldquo;a base
+caitiff.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What did you see?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth, excitedly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This,&rdquo; said Cassandra, and she began a narration of
+future events which I must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his
+associates were endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of
+the prostrated Kidd&rsquo;s spirit anatomy by the use of a
+steam-atomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd&rsquo;s training
+had not fitted him for an intellectual combat with superior women,
+and he suffered accordingly.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_18.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_18.jpg" alt="Three men apply steam to a seated man"
+title=
+"KIDD&rsquo;S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER"
+id="illo_18" name="illo_18" width="216" height="186" /></a>
+<p>KIDD&rsquo;S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED
+PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER</p>
+</div>
+<h3><a name="Ch_X" id="Ch_X">X</a></h3>
+<h2>A Warning Accepted</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra
+unnecessarily,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about
+to narrate her story, &ldquo;that I rise to beg her to remember
+that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope she will spare a
+grandmother&rsquo;s feelings, if anything in the story she is about
+to tell is improper to be placed before the young. I have been so
+shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that have
+been published of late years, that I would interpose a protest
+while there is yet time if there is a line in Cassandra&rsquo;s
+story which ought to be withheld from the public; a protest based
+upon my affection for posterity, and in the interests of morality
+everywhere.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs.
+Noah,&rdquo; said the prophetess. &ldquo;What I have to say would
+commend itself, I am sure, even to the ears of a British matron;
+and while it is as complete a demonstration of man&rsquo;s perfidy
+as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little tale as the
+Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent study of New England
+character.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my
+mind,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, settling back in her chair, a
+satisfied expression upon her gentle countenance. &ldquo;I hope you
+will understand why I spoke, and withal why modern literature
+generally has been so distressful to me. When you reflect that the
+world is satisfied that most of man&rsquo;s criminal instincts are
+the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift
+the responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own,
+you will understand my position. We were about the most domestic
+old couple that ever lived, and when we see the long and varied
+assortment of crimes that are cropping out everywhere in our
+descendants it is painful to us to realize what a pair of
+unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We all understand that,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, kindly;
+&ldquo;and we are all prepared to acquit you of any responsibility
+for the advanced condition of wickedness to-day. Man has progressed
+since your time, my dear grandma, and the modern improvements in
+the science of crime are no more attributable to you than the
+invention of the telephone or the oyster cocktail is attributable
+to your lord and master.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you kindly,&rdquo; murmured the old lady, and she
+resumed her knitting upon a phantom tam-o&rsquo;-shanter, which she
+was making as a Christmas surprise for her husband.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;When Captain Kidd began his story,&rdquo; said Cassandra,
+&ldquo;he made one very bad mistake, and yet one which was prompted
+by that courtesy which all men instinctively adopt when addressing
+women. When he entered the room he removed his hat, and therein lay
+his fatal error, if he wished to convince me of the truth of his
+story, for with his hat removed I could see the workings of his
+mind. While you ladies were watching his lips or his eyes, some of
+you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of you hanging
+upon his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his
+imagination, and I saw, what you did not, <em>that he was drawing
+wholly upon that</em>!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How extraordinary!&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes&mdash;and fortunate,&rdquo; said Cassandra.
+&ldquo;Had I not done so, a week hence we should, every one of us,
+have been lost in the surging wickedness of the city of
+Paris.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, Cassandra,&rdquo; said Trilby, who was anxious to
+return once more to the beautiful city by the Seine, &ldquo;he told
+us we were going to Paris.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_19.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_19.jpg" alt="Women chatting" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS&rsquo;&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_19" name="illo_19" width="154" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO
+PARIS&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course he did,&rdquo; said Madame R&eacute;camier,
+&ldquo;and in so many words. Certainly he was not drawing upon his
+imagination there.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And one might be lost in a very much worse place,&rdquo;
+put in Marguerite de Valois, &ldquo;if, indeed, it were possible to
+lose us in Paris at all. I fancy that I know enough about Paris to
+find my way about.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Humph!&rdquo; ejaculated Cassandra. &ldquo;What a foolish
+little thing you are! You don&rsquo;t imagine that the Paris of
+to-day is the Paris of your time, or even the Paris of that sweet
+child Trilby&rsquo;s time, do you? If you do you are very much
+mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of your danger and had
+let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open with amazement at
+the change. You&rsquo;d find your Louvre a very different sort of a
+place from what it used to be, my dear lady. Those pleasing little
+windows through which your relations were wont in olden times to
+indulge in target practice at people who didn&rsquo;t go to their
+church are now kept closed; the galleries which used to swarm with
+people, many of whom ought to have been hanged, now swarm with
+pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the romance
+which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as
+yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would
+find yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious
+from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a
+minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which
+Mercury himself would stand aghast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But my beloved Tuileries?&rdquo; cried Marie
+Antoinette.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my
+dear,&rdquo; said Cassandra, gently. &ldquo;Paris is no place for
+us, and it is the intention of these men, in whose hands we are, to
+take us there and then desert us. Can you imagine anything worse
+than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious romantic past, basely
+deserted in the streets of a wholly strange, superficial, material
+city of to-day? What do you think, Elizabeth, would be your fate
+if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at an English
+door to-day, and when asked your name and profession were to reply,
+&lsquo;Elizabeth, Queen of England&rsquo;?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Insane asylum,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, shortly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely. So in Paris with the rest of us,&rdquo; said
+Cassandra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How do you know all this?&rdquo; asked Trilby, still
+unconvinced.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I know it just as you knew how to become a prima
+donna,&rdquo; said Cassandra. &ldquo;I am, however, my own
+Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent detachable
+hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind into the
+future. I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient
+Troy, and if my revelations had been heeded the Priam family would,
+I doubt not, still be doing business at the old stand, and Mr.
+&AElig;neas would not have grown round-shouldered giving his poor
+father a picky-back ride on the opening night of the horse-show, so
+graphically depicted by Virgil.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I never heard about that,&rdquo; said Trilby. &ldquo;It
+sounds like a very funny story, though.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it wasn&rsquo;t so humorous for some as it was for
+others,&rdquo; said Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen.
+&ldquo;The fact is, until you mentioned it yourself, it never
+occurred to me that there was much fun in any portion of the Trojan
+incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of old Laocoon,
+who got no more than he deserved for stealing my thunder. I had
+warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and
+said my eye to the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks
+couldn&rsquo;t get into Troy at all, even if they wanted to. And
+then the Greeks made a great wooden horse as a gift for the
+Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze upon it I saw that it
+contained about six brigades of infantry, three artillery
+regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score. It was a sort of
+military Noah&rsquo;s Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me
+was so strong that nobody would believe what I told them. So I said
+nothing. My prophecies never came true, they said, failing to
+observe that my warning as to what would be was in itself the cause
+of their non-fulfilment. But desiring to save Troy, I sent for
+Laocoon and told him all about it, and he went out and announced it
+as his own private prophecy; and then, having tried to drown his
+conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the usual
+serpentine hallucination, and everybody said he wasn&rsquo;t sober,
+and therefore unworthy of belief. The horse was accepted, hauled
+into the city, and that night orders came from hindquarters to the
+regiments concealed inside to march. They marched, and next morning
+Troy had been removed from the map; ninety per cent. of the Trojans
+died suddenly, and &AElig;neas, grabbing up his family in one hand
+and his gods in the other, went yachting for several seasons,
+ultimately settling down in Italy. All of this could have been
+avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from my
+prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the result
+that to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy was,
+and we&rsquo;ll never tell.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is all true,&rdquo; said Helen, proudly. &ldquo;I was
+the woman who was at the bottom of it all, and I can testify that
+Cassandra always told the truth, which is why she was always so
+unpopular. When anything that was unpleasant happened, after it was
+all over she would turn and say, sweetly, &lsquo;I told you
+so.&rsquo; She was the original &lsquo;I told you so&rsquo;
+nuisance, and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her,
+because she never left them any sensation to spring upon the
+public. If she had only told a fib once in a while, the public
+would have had more confidence in her.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you for your endorsement,&rdquo; said Cassandra,
+with a nod at Helen. &ldquo;With such testimony I cannot see how
+you can refrain from taking my advice in this matter; and I tell
+you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made his story up out of whole
+cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with our being here than
+we had; they were as much surprised as we are to find us gone. Kidd
+himself was not aware of our presence, and his object in taking us
+to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits,
+vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, no place to rest,
+and nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would
+have no sympathy for us in our misfortune, and no belief in our
+continued existence.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But what, then, shall we do?&rdquo; cried Ophelia,
+wringing her hands in despair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is a terrible problem,&rdquo; said Cleopatra,
+anxiously; &ldquo;and yet it does seem as if our woman&rsquo;s
+instinct ought to show us some way out of our trouble.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The Committee on Treachery,&rdquo; said Delilah,
+&ldquo;has already suggested a chafing-dish party, with Lucretia
+Borgia in charge of the lobster Newberg.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is true,&rdquo; said Lucretia; &ldquo;but I find, in
+going through my reticule, that my maid, for some reason unknown to
+me, has failed to renew my supply of poisons. I shall discharge her
+on my return home, for she knows that I never go anywhere without
+them; but that does not help matters at this juncture. The sad fact
+remains that I could prepare a thousand delicacies for these
+pirates without fatal results.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You mean immediately fatal, do you not?&rdquo; suggested
+Xanthippe. &ldquo;I could myself prepare a cake which would in time
+reduce our captors to a state of absolute dependence, but of course
+the effect is not immediate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing &lsquo;Ben
+Bolt&rsquo; to them,&rdquo; suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a
+giggle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be flippant, please,&rdquo; said Portia.
+&ldquo;We haven&rsquo;t time to waste on flippant suggestions.
+Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates, supplemented by a
+yard-arm, wouldn&rsquo;t be a bad thing. I&rsquo;ll prosecute the
+case.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You forget that you are dealing with immortal
+spirits,&rdquo; observed Cleopatra. &ldquo;If these creatures were
+mortals, hanging them would be all right, and comparatively easy,
+considering that we outnumber them ten to one, and have many
+resources for getting them, more or less, in our power, but they
+are not. They have gone through the refining process of dissolution
+once, and there&rsquo;s an end to that. Our only resource is in the
+line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, then we have
+ceased to be women.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is truly said,&rdquo; observed Elizabeth. &ldquo;And
+inasmuch as we have already provided ourselves with a suitable
+committee for the preparation of our plans of a deceptive nature, I
+move, as the easiest possible solution of the difficulty for the
+rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be requested to go at
+once into executive session, with orders not to come out of it
+until they have suggested a plausible plan of campaign against our
+abductors. We must be rid of them. Let the Committee on Treachery
+say how.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Second the motion,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;You are
+a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is
+proud of you.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_20.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_20.jpg" alt=
+"An old woman knits and speaks to the queenly woman" title=
+"&gt;&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,&rsquo; SAID MRS. NOAH&rdquo;"
+id="illo_20" name="illo_20" width="216" height="147" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN,
+LIZZIE,&rsquo; SAID MRS. NOAH&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair
+refused to entertain any debate upon the question, which was put
+and carried with a storm of approval.</p>
+<p>Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed
+to Cleopatra, which read as follows:</p>
+<div class="quote">
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="sc">Dear Madame</span>,&mdash;Six bells has
+just struck, and the officers and crew are hungry. Will you and
+your fair companions co-operate with us in our enterprise by having
+a hearty dinner ready within two hours? A speck has appeared on the
+horizon which betokens a coming storm, else we would prepare our
+supper ourselves. As it is, we feel that your safety depends on our
+remaining on deck. If there is any beer on the ice, we prefer it to
+tea. Two cases will suffice.</p>
+<p class="rgt">&ldquo;Yours respectfully,<br />
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Henry Morgan</span>, Bart., First
+Mate.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurrah!&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, as she read this
+communication. &ldquo;I have an idea. Tell the Committee on
+Treachery to appear before the full meeting at once.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of
+operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall
+have to wait for another chapter to learn.</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_XI" id="Ch_XI">XI</a></h3>
+<h2>Marooned</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and,
+gazing intently through it for a moment, perceived that the
+faithful Shem had not deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a
+rude, roughly hewn pole set upon a rocky height was the black flag,
+emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, &ldquo;with the
+second joints reversed.&rdquo; It was in very truth a signal of
+distress.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I make it a point never to be surprised,&rdquo; observed
+Holmes, as he peered through the glass, &ldquo;but this beats me. I
+didn&rsquo;t know there was an island of this nature in these
+latitudes. Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain Cook on deck.
+Perhaps he knows what island that is.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;ll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes,&rdquo;
+replied the Judge. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t ship on this voyage as a
+cabin-boy or a messenger-boy. Therefore I&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons,&rdquo; interrupted
+Holmes, sternly. &ldquo;I expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone,
+whether you shipped as a Lord Chief-Justice or a state-room
+steward. When I issue an order it must be obeyed. Step lively
+there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and summon your marines. We
+may have work to do before night. Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on
+deck.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aye, aye, sir,&rdquo; replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as
+he made off.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s the way to obey orders,&rdquo; said Holmes,
+with a scornful glance at Blackstone.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was only jesting, Captain,&rdquo; said the latter,
+paling somewhat.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all right,&rdquo; said Holmes, taking up his
+glass again. &ldquo;So was I when I ordered you in irons, and in
+order that you may appreciate the full force of the joke I repeat
+it. Bonaparte, do your duty.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge
+shortly found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle.
+Meanwhile Captain Cook, in response to the commander&rsquo;s order,
+repaired to the deck and scanned the distant coast.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t place it,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;It
+can&rsquo;t be Monte Cristo, can it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, it can&rsquo;t,&rdquo; said the Count, who stood hard
+by. &ldquo;My island was in the Mediterranean, and even if it
+dragged anchor it couldn&rsquo;t have got out through the Strait of
+Gibraltar.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Perhaps it&rsquo;s Robinson Crusoe&rsquo;s island,&rdquo;
+suggested Doctor Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not it,&rdquo; observed De Foe. &ldquo;If it is, the rest
+of you will please keep off. It&rsquo;s mine, and I may want to use
+it again. I&rsquo;ve been having a number of interviews with Crusoe
+latterly, and he&rsquo;s given me a lot of new points, which I
+intend incorporating in a sequel for the <em>Cimmerian
+Magazine</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it,
+then?&rdquo; roared Holmes, angrily. &ldquo;What is the matter with
+all you learned lubbers that I have brought along on this trip? Do
+you suppose I&rsquo;ve brought you to whistle up favorable winds?
+Not by the beard of the Prophet! I brought you to give me
+information, and now when I ask for the name of a simple little
+island like that in plain sight there&rsquo;s not one of you able
+so much as to guess at it reasonably. The next man I ask for
+information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he
+doesn&rsquo;t answer me instantly with the information I want.
+Munchausen, what island is that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ahem! that?&rdquo; replied Munchausen, trembling, as he
+reflected upon the Captain&rsquo;s threat. &ldquo;What? Nobody
+knows what island that is? Why, you surprise me&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;See here, Baron,&rdquo; retorted Holmes, menacingly,
+&ldquo;I ask you a plain question, and I want a plain answer, with
+no evasions to gain time. Now it&rsquo;s irons or an answer. What
+island is that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s an island that doesn&rsquo;t appear on any
+chart, Captain,&rdquo; Munchausen responded instantly, pulling
+himself together for a mighty effort, &ldquo;and it has never been
+given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we&rsquo;ll call
+it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not stationary. It is a
+floating island of lava formation, and is a menace to every craft
+that goes to sea. I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is
+more barren than the desert of Sahara, because you cannot raise
+even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water of any sort, salt or
+fresh.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What did you live on during that year?&rdquo; asked
+Holmes, eying him narrowly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Canned food from wrecks,&rdquo; replied the Baron,
+feeling much easier now that he had got a fair
+start&mdash;&ldquo;canned food from wrecks, commander. There is a
+magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict
+real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned
+substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship
+is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose
+metal upon her will succumb to the irresistible attraction of this
+magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores. So in
+any other part of the earth. Everything metallic turns up here
+sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels go
+down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods
+only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of
+preserved salmon, sardines, <em>p&acirc;t&eacute; de foie
+gras</em>, peaches, and so on, can be found strewn along its
+coast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Munchausen,&rdquo; said Holmes, smiling, &ldquo;by the
+blush upon your cheek, coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of
+the eye, I know that for once you are standing upon the, to you,
+unfamiliar ground of truth, and I admire you for it. There is
+nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth occasionally. You are
+a man after my own heart. Come below and have a cocktail. Captain
+Cook, take command of the <em>Gehenna</em> during my absence; head
+her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new
+let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen&rsquo;s remarkable
+genius I proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may
+release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if you have any tin
+soldiers among your marines, see that they are lashed to the
+rigging. I don&rsquo;t want this electric island of the
+Baron&rsquo;s to get a grip upon my military force at this
+juncture.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the
+two worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail,
+while Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean
+at the floating island.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;De Foe,&rdquo; said Johnson, &ldquo;that ought to be a
+lesson to you. This realism that you tie up to is all right when
+you are alone with your conscience; but when there are great things
+afoot, an imagination and a broad view as to the limitations of
+truth aren&rsquo;t at all bad. You or I might now be drinking that
+cocktail with Holmes if we&rsquo;d only risen to the opportunity
+the way Munchausen did.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_21.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_21.jpg" alt=
+"Two men stand talking by the rail of a ship" title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU&rsquo;&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_21" name="illo_21" width="132" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;That is true,&rdquo; said De Foe, sadly. &ldquo;But I
+didn&rsquo;t suppose he wanted that kind of information. I could
+have spun a better yarn than that of Munchausen&rsquo;s with my
+eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to know what has become of the
+House-boat,&rdquo; said Raleigh, anxiously gazing through the glass
+at the island. &ldquo;I can see old Henry Morgan sitting down there
+on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his
+hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him, yelling
+like mad, but there isn&rsquo;t a boat in sight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a
+fandango?&rdquo; asked Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It looks like Conrad, but I can&rsquo;t tell. He appears
+to have gone crazy. He&rsquo;s got that wild look on his face which
+betokens insanity. We&rsquo;ll have to be careful in our parleyings
+with these people,&rdquo; said Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Anything new?&rdquo; asked Holmes, returning to the deck,
+smacking his lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No&mdash;except that we are almost within hailing
+distance,&rdquo; said Cook.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then give orders to cast anchor,&rdquo; observed Holmes.
+&ldquo;Bonaparte, take a crew of picked men ashore and bring those
+pirates aboard. Take the three musketeers with you, and don&rsquo;t
+let Kidd or Morgan give you any back talk. If they try any funny
+business, exorcise them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aye, aye, sir,&rdquo; replied Bonaparte, and in a moment
+a boat had been lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling
+for the shore. As they came within ten feet of it the pirates made
+a mad dash down the rough, rocky hillside and clamored to be
+saved.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_22.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_22.jpg" alt=
+"Nearly transparent men chase after a row-boat" title=
+"&ldquo;THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE&rdquo;"
+id="illo_22" name="illo_22" width="216" height="160" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY
+HILL-SIDE&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s happened to you?&rdquo; cried Bonaparte,
+ordering the sailors to back water, lest the pirates should too
+hastily board the boat and swamp her.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We are marooned,&rdquo; replied Kidd, &ldquo;and on an
+island of a volcanic nature. There isn&rsquo;t a square inch of it
+that isn&rsquo;t heated up to 125 degrees, and seventeen of us have
+already evaporated. Conrad has lost his reason; Abeuchapeta has
+become so tenuous that a child can see through him. As for myself,
+I am growing iridescent with anxiety, and unless I get off this
+infernal furnace I&rsquo;ll disappear like a soap-bubble. For
+Heaven&rsquo;s sake, then, General, take us off, on your own terms.
+We&rsquo;ll accept anything.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As if in confirmation of Kidd&rsquo;s words, six of the pirate
+crew collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at
+Abeuchapeta was proof enough of his condition. He had become as
+clear as crystal, and had it not been for his rugged outlines he
+would hardly have been visible even to his fellow-spirits. As for
+Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent
+that his fears for himself were all too well founded.</p>
+<p>Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning
+subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to the
+<em>Gehenna</em>, where they were ushered into the presence of
+Sherlock Holmes. The first question he asked was as to the
+whereabouts of the House-boat.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That we do not know,&rdquo; replied Kidd, mournfully,
+gazing downward at the wreck of his former self. &ldquo;We came
+ashore, sir, early yesterday morning, in search of food. It appears
+that when&mdash;acting in a wholly inexcusable fashion, and
+influenced, I confess it, by motives of revenge&mdash;I made off
+with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if it were well
+stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to
+get supper we discovered that the larder contained but half a
+bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and a soda
+cracker&mdash;not a luxurious feast for sixty-nine pirates and a
+hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all nonsense,&rdquo; said Demosthenes.
+&ldquo;The House Committee had provided enough supper for six
+hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of the members on
+their return from the fight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course they did,&rdquo; said Confucius; &ldquo;and it
+was a good one, too&mdash;salads, salmon glac&eacute;,
+lobsters&mdash;every blessed thing a man can&rsquo;t get at home we
+had; and what is more, they&rsquo;d been delivered on board. I saw
+to that before I went up the river.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then,&rdquo; moaned Kidd, &ldquo;it is as I suspected. We
+were the victims of base treachery on the part of those
+women.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity,&rdquo;
+said Hamlet, dryly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for
+supper save the items I have already referred to,&rdquo; said Kidd.
+&ldquo;I see it all now. We had tried to make them comfortable, and
+I put myself to some considerable personal inconvenience to make
+them easy in their minds, but they were ungrateful.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Whatever induced you to take &lsquo;em along with
+you?&rdquo; asked Socrates.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We didn&rsquo;t want them,&rdquo; said Kidd. &ldquo;We
+didn&rsquo;t know they were on board until it was too late to turn
+back. They&rsquo;d broken in, and were having the club all to
+themselves in your absence.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It served you good and right,&rdquo; said Socrates, with
+a laugh. &ldquo;Next time you try to take things that don&rsquo;t
+belong to you, maybe you&rsquo;ll be a trifle more careful as to
+whose property you confiscate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But the House-boat&mdash;you haven&rsquo;t told us how
+you lost her,&rdquo; put in Raleigh, impatiently.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it was this way,&rdquo; said Kidd. &ldquo;When, in
+response to our polite request for supper, the ladies said there
+was nothing to eat on board, something had to be done, for we were
+all as hungry as bears, and we decided to go ashore at the first
+port and provision. Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when
+this floating frying-pan loomed into view, to keep them
+good-natured we decided to land and see if we could beg, borrow, or
+steal some supplies. We had to. Observations taken with the sextant
+showed that there was no port within five hundred miles; the island
+looked as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we
+went, every man of us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored in
+the harbor. At first we didn&rsquo;t mind the heat, and we hunted
+and hunted and hunted; but after three or four hours I began to
+notice that three of my sailors were shrivelling up, and Conrad
+began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins burst right before my
+eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and began to
+fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself; and as for
+Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a nap in the sun,
+and when he waked up, his whole right side had evaporated. Then we
+saw what the trouble was. We&rsquo;d struck this lava island, and
+were gradually succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed madly back
+to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your
+House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon,
+and flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of
+farewell, with an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect:
+&lsquo;<em>Don&rsquo;t wait up for us. We may not be back until
+late.</em>&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to
+himself, while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept
+silently.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know
+of the whereabouts of the House-boat,&rdquo; continued Captain
+Kidd. &ldquo;I have no doubt that the ladies practised a deception,
+to our discomfiture, and I must say that I think it was exceedingly
+clever&mdash;granting that it was desirable to be rid of us, which
+I don&rsquo;t, for we meant well by them, and they would have
+enjoyed themselves.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But,&rdquo; cried Hamlet, &ldquo;may they not now be in
+peril? They cannot navigate that ship.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They got her out of the harbor all right,&rdquo; said
+Kidd. &ldquo;And I judged from the figure at the helm that Mrs.
+Noah had taken charge. What kind of a seaman she is I don&rsquo;t
+know.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Almighty bad,&rdquo; ejaculated Shem, turning pale.
+&ldquo;It was she who ran us ashore on Ararat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, wasn&rsquo;t that what you wanted?&rdquo; queried
+Munchausen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What we wanted!&rdquo; cried Shem. &ldquo;Well, I guess
+not. You don&rsquo;t want your yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do
+you? She was a dead loss there, whereas if mother hadn&rsquo;t been
+in such a hurry to get ashore, we could have waited a month and
+landed on the seaboard.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You might have turned her into a summer hotel,&rdquo;
+suggested Munchausen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, we must up anchor and away,&rdquo; said Holmes.
+&ldquo;Our pursuit has merely begun, apparently. We must overtake
+this vessel, and the question to be answered
+is&mdash;where?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s easy,&rdquo; said Artemus Ward. &ldquo;From
+what Shem says, I think we&rsquo;d better look for her in the
+Himalayas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?&rdquo;
+asked Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He ought to be expelled from the club,&rdquo; said
+Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We can&rsquo;t expel him, because he&rsquo;s not a
+member,&rdquo; replied Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then elect him,&rdquo; suggested Ward.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What on earth for?&rdquo; growled Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So that we can expel him,&rdquo; said Ward.</p>
+<p>And while Boswell&rsquo;s hero was trying to get the value of
+this notion through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and
+the <em>Gehenna</em> was soon under way once more. Meanwhile
+Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed away in
+the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock lay in
+hiding.</p>
+<h3><a name="Ch_XII" id="Ch_XII">XII</a></h3>
+<h2>The Escape and the End</h2>
+<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of
+Contents</a></p>
+<p>If there was anxiety on board of the <em>Gehenna</em> as to the
+condition and whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means
+less uneasiness upon that vessel itself. Cleopatra&rsquo;s scheme
+for ridding herself and her abducted sisters of the pirates had
+worked to a charm, but, having worked thus, a new and hitherto
+undreamed-of problem, full of perplexities bearing upon their
+immediate safety, now confronted them. The sole representative of a
+sea-faring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did not require
+much time to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of an
+extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of
+floating.</p>
+<p>When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes
+Island, and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who
+had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get
+red in the face and to bustle about in a manner which betrayed
+considerable perturbation of spirit.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, Mrs. Noah,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, as, peeping out
+from the billiard-room window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the
+distance, &ldquo;the coast is clear, and I resign my position of
+chairman to you. We place the vessel in your hands, and ourselves
+subject to your orders. You are in command. What do you wish us to
+do?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her
+knitting and starting for the deck. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not certain,
+but I think the first thing to do is to get her moving. Do you
+know, I&rsquo;ve never discovered whether this boat is a steamboat
+or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody know?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller,&rdquo;
+said Elizabeth, &ldquo;although I don&rsquo;t know. It seems to me
+my brother Raleigh told me they&rsquo;d had a naphtha engine put in
+last winter after the freshet, when the House-boat was carried ten
+miles down the river, and had to be towed back at enormous expense.
+They put it in so that if she were carried away again she could get
+back of her own power.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s unfortunate,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah,
+&ldquo;because I don&rsquo;t know anything about these new fangled
+notions. If there&rsquo;s any one here who knows anything about
+naphtha engines, I wish they&rsquo;d speak.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m of the opinion,&rdquo; said Portia, &ldquo;that
+I can study out the theory of it in a short while.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well, then,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, &ldquo;you can do
+it. I&rsquo;ll appoint you engineer, and give you all your orders
+now, right away, in advance. Set her going and keep her going, and
+don&rsquo;t stop without a written order signed by me. We might as
+well be very careful, and have everything done properly, and it
+might happen that in the excitement of our trip you would
+misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error. Therefore,
+pay no attention to unwritten orders. That will do for you for the
+present. Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame
+R&eacute;camier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before
+breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra, Tuesdays you will
+devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and the balance
+of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac. Dido,
+you always were strong at building fires. I&rsquo;ll make you chief
+stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen.
+Inasmuch as the latter&rsquo;s maid has neglected to supply her
+with the usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to
+Lucretia&rsquo;s hands the responsibilities of the culinary
+department.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m perfectly willing to do anything I can,&rdquo;
+said Lucretia, &ldquo;but I must confess that I don&rsquo;t approve
+of your methods of commanding a ship. A ship&rsquo;s captain
+isn&rsquo;t a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be. We
+didn&rsquo;t appoint you housekeeper.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, my child,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, firmly, &ldquo;I do
+not wish any words. If I hear any more impudence from you,
+I&rsquo;ll put you ashore without a reference; and the rest of you
+I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate
+insubordination. You may, all of you, have one night of the week
+and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done. The regimen
+I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I
+didn&rsquo;t have the help I have now, and things got into very bad
+shape. We were out forty days, and, while the food was poor and the
+service execrable, we never lost a life.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_23.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_23.jpg" alt="Five women discuss..." title=
+"&ldquo;&lsquo;NOW, MY CHILD,&rsquo; SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, &lsquo;I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS&rsquo;&rdquo;"
+id="illo_23" name="illo_23" width="216" height="134" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;NOW, MY CHILD,&rsquo; SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY,
+&lsquo;I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>The boat gave a slight tremor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurrah,&rdquo; cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with
+glee, &ldquo;we are off!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will repair to the deck and get our bearings,&rdquo;
+said Mrs. Noah, putting her shawl over her shoulders.
+&ldquo;Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first mate. See that
+things are tidied up a bit here before I return. Have the windows
+washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken up and
+shaken.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks,
+had finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the
+engine going, and the wheel began to revolve.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Are we going all right?&rdquo; she cried, from below.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am afraid not,&rdquo; said the gallant commander.
+&ldquo;The wheel is roiling up the water at a great rate, but we
+don&rsquo;t seem to be going ahead very fast&mdash;in fact,
+we&rsquo;re simply moving round and round as though we were on a
+pivot.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m afraid we&rsquo;re aground amidships,&rdquo;
+said Xanthippe, gazing over the side of the House-boat anxiously.
+&ldquo;She certainly acts that way&mdash;like a
+merry-go-round.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, there&rsquo;s something wrong,&rdquo; said Mrs.
+Noah; &ldquo;and we&rsquo;ve got to hurry and find out what it is,
+or those men will be back and we shall be as badly off as
+ever.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Maybe this has something to do with it,&rdquo; observed
+Mrs. Lot, pointing to the anchor rope. &ldquo;It looks to me as if
+those horrid men had tied us fast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s just what it is,&rdquo; snapped Mrs. Noah.
+&ldquo;They guessed our plan, and have fastened us to a pole or
+something, but I imagine we can untie it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, of course we don&rsquo;t move,&rdquo; she
+said&mdash;&ldquo;we are anchored!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s that?&rdquo; queried Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;We
+never had an experience like that on the Ark.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia explained the science of the anchor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What nonsense!&rdquo; ejaculated Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;How
+can we get away from it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to pull it up,&rdquo; said Portia.
+&ldquo;Order all hands on deck and have it pulled up.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It can&rsquo;t be done, and, if it could, I
+wouldn&rsquo;t have it!&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, indignantly.
+&ldquo;The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear Portia, is
+not a woman&rsquo;s work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the
+rope with her scissors.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would take her a week to cut a hawser like
+that,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, who had been investigating. &ldquo;It
+would be more to the purpose, I think, to chop it in two with an
+axe.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. &ldquo;I
+don&rsquo;t care how it is done as long as it is done quickly. It
+would never do for us to be recaptured now.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen
+herself cut the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the
+axe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You <em>are</em> an expert with it, aren&rsquo;t
+you?&rdquo; smiled Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am, indeed,&rdquo; replied Elizabeth, grimly. &ldquo;I
+had it suspended over my head for so long a time before I got to
+the throne that I couldn&rsquo;t help familiarizing myself with
+some of its possibilities.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah!&rdquo; cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move.
+&ldquo;I begin to feel easier. It looks now as if we were really
+off.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It seems to me, though,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, gazing
+forward, &ldquo;that we are going backward.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, well, what if we are!&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.
+&ldquo;We did that on the Ark half the time. It doesn&rsquo;t make
+any difference which way we are going as long as we go, does
+it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, of course it does!&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.
+&ldquo;What can you be thinking of? People who walk backward are in
+great danger of running into other people. Why not the same with
+ships? It seems to me, it&rsquo;s a very dangerous piece of
+business, sailing backward.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, nonsense,&rdquo; snapped Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;You are as
+timid as a zebra. During the Flood, we sailed days and days and
+days, going backward. It didn&rsquo;t make a particle of difference
+how we went&mdash;it was as safe one way as another, and we got
+just as far away in the end. Our main object now is to get away
+from the pirates, and that&rsquo;s what we are doing. Don&rsquo;t
+get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge. If I
+think the boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go. If you
+don&rsquo;t like it, it is still not too late to put you
+ashore.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and
+all went well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller
+revolving reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth
+had said, backing her way through the ocean.</p>
+<p>The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned
+pirates faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense
+fog.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;re going to have a nasty night, I am
+afraid,&rdquo; said Xanthippe, looking anxiously out of the
+port.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No doubt,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly.
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry for those who have to be out in
+it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I was thinking about,&rdquo; observed
+Xanthippe. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s going to be very hard on us keeping
+watch.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Watch for what?&rdquo; demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over
+the tops of her glasses at Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on
+deck?&rdquo; said Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;Perfectly
+absurd. We never did it on the Ark, and it isn&rsquo;t necessary
+now. I want you all to go to bed at ten o&rsquo;clock. I
+don&rsquo;t think the night air is good for you. Besides, it
+isn&rsquo;t proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether
+she&rsquo;s new or not.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, my dear Mrs. Noah,&rdquo; expostulated Cleopatra,
+&ldquo;what will become of the ship?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I guess she&rsquo;ll float through the night whether we
+are on deck or not,&rdquo; said the commander. &ldquo;The Ark did,
+why not this? Now, girls, these new-fangled yachting notions are
+all nonsense. It&rsquo;s night, and there&rsquo;s a fog as thick as
+a stone-wall all about us. If there were a hundred of you upon deck
+with ten eyes apiece, you couldn&rsquo;t see anything. You might
+much better be in bed. As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother,
+I command you to stay below.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But&mdash;who is to steer?&rdquo; queried Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the use of steering until we can see where
+to steer to?&rdquo; demanded Mrs. Noah. &ldquo;I certainly
+don&rsquo;t intend to bother with that tiller until some reason for
+doing it arises. We haven&rsquo;t any place to steer to yet; we
+don&rsquo;t know where we are going. Now, my dear children, be
+reasonable, and don&rsquo;t worry me. I&rsquo;ve had a very hard
+day of it, and I feel my responsibilities keenly. Just let me
+manage, and we&rsquo;ll come out all right. I&rsquo;ve had more
+experience than any of you, and if&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A terrible crash interrupted the old lady&rsquo;s remarks. The
+House-boat shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as
+quickly righted and stood still. A mad rush up the gangway
+followed, and in a moment a hundred and eighty-three pale-faced,
+trembling women stood upon the deck, gazing with horror at a great
+helpless hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by broken ropes and
+odd pieces of rigging to the stern-posts of the House-boat, sinking
+slowly but surely into the sea.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/illo_24.jpg"><img src=
+"images/sm_illo_24.jpg" alt=
+"The women are on the rear deck and see a freighter" title=
+"&ldquo;A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR&rdquo;" id=
+"illo_24" name="illo_24" width="152" height="216" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>It was the <em>Gehenna</em>!</p>
+<p>The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but,
+thanks to the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the
+floating club-house had withstood the shock of the impact and now
+rode the waters as gracefully as ever.</p>
+<p>Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe,
+and in a short while chairs and life-preservers and
+tables&mdash;everything that could float&mdash;had been tossed into
+the sea to the struggling immortals therein. On board the
+<em>Gehenna</em>, those who had not cast themselves into the
+waters, under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly
+lowered the boats, and in a short while were not only able to
+felicitate themselves upon their safety, but had likewise the good
+fortune to rescue their more impetuous brethren who had preferred
+to swim for it. Ultimately, all were brought aboard the House-boat
+in safety, and the men in Hades were once more reunited to their
+wives, daughters, sisters, and <em>fianc&eacute;es</em>, and
+Elizabeth had the satisfaction of once more saving the life of
+Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so
+previously, when she and her brother had been upset in the swift
+current of the river Styx.</p>
+<p>Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the
+House-boat and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time
+berth. The <em>Gehenna</em> went to the bottom and was never seen
+again, and when the roll was called it was found that all who had
+set out upon her had returned in safety save Shylock, Kidd, Sir
+Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not lost, for,
+five weeks later, these four worthies were found early one morning
+drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the
+top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for help.</p>
+<p>And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old
+House-boat. Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was
+once more resumed, but with one slight difference.</p>
+<p>The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing
+themselves of the privilege, began to think less and less of the
+advantages of being men and to rejoice that, after all, they were
+women; and even Xanthippe and Socrates, after that night of peril,
+reconciled their differences, and no longer quarrel as to which is
+the more entitled to wear the toga of authority. It has become for
+them a divided skirt.</p>
+<p>As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the
+effects of their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island,
+and are but shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock
+Holmes has so endeared himself to his new-found friends that he is
+quite as popular with them as he is with us, who have yet to cross
+the dark river and be subjected to the scrutiny of the Committee on
+Membership at the House-boat on the Styx.</p>
+<p>Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 16097-h.txt or 16097-h.zip *******</p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John
+Kendrick Bangs, Illustrated by Peter Newell
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat
+       Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades, under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: July 13, 2005  [eBook #16097]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
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+      or
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+
+
+
+
+
+THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades,
+under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
+
+by
+
+JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
+
+Illustrated By Peter Newell
+
+New York and London
+Harper & Brothers
+Publishers
+
+1897
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TO
+
+A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ.
+
+WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF
+HIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER
+
+     I.  THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+    II.  THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+   III.  THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+    IV.  ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+     V.  A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+    VI.  A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+   VII.  THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
+
+  VIII.  ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA."
+
+    IX.  CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+     X.  A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+    XI.  MAROONED
+
+   XII.  THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+  "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"
+
+  "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"
+
+  "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"
+
+  "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"
+
+  "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"
+
+  A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE
+
+  MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN
+
+  "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"
+
+  "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"
+
+  "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN'
+      PAYABLE IN LONDON'"
+
+  QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER
+
+  "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"
+
+  "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"
+
+  "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK"
+
+  JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP
+
+  SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT
+
+  CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA
+
+  KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS
+      ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER
+
+  "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"
+
+  "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH"
+
+  "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"
+
+  "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE"
+
+  "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS'"
+
+  "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"
+
+
+
+
+THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+
+The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River
+Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its moorings
+and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd,
+aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like
+a thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that the
+Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with
+self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating
+club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of
+circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair
+Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and
+beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered
+desolate.
+
+"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed
+grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank
+of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been
+moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome,
+Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem gone,
+vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the universe!
+Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
+
+"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's
+the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschew
+that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when that
+cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say
+the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, and
+voluntarily at that."
+
+"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight.
+It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
+
+"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted
+Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; I
+can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe
+always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the
+finger."
+
+"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar, firmly, "therefore we
+are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir
+Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and do
+nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?"
+
+"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All
+things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine
+going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."
+
+"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something
+if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, what
+shall be done first?"
+
+"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the
+matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was
+this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for
+immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various
+favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being
+Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were
+licensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the local
+government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
+
+"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Then
+the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not.
+Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be
+captured at once and made an example of."
+
+"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
+Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have a
+beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to
+the ear of a purist."
+
+"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter.
+"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even part
+his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater
+moment in hand."
+
+"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. I'm
+dry as a fish."
+
+"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish I'd like
+to know is dry?"
+
+"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
+expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and more
+melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
+
+"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now the
+point is, what?"
+
+"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
+Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
+relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa;
+Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have
+North America; and--"
+
+"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.
+Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of ours
+and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
+
+"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
+
+"Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the
+pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?"
+persisted the philosopher.
+
+"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, irritably.
+
+"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in
+asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in Central
+Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it
+through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is the
+work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to
+look for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is in ransacking
+the earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour the
+sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd
+has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for a
+roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other
+purpose for which neither he nor it was designed."
+
+"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting
+upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evident
+interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and excessively
+slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put it
+afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the honor of being a member
+of this association," the stranger continued, "but, like all well-ordered
+shades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at
+the disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish
+our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully
+appropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplate
+removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All the
+evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my
+sole reason for doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a
+seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but a
+boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well
+says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but
+upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world's great
+cities."
+
+[Illustration: "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"]
+
+"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by the
+stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all that he
+had said.
+
+"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the
+purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, for what
+port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat within reach?"
+returned the stranger.
+
+"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the chairman.
+
+"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the House
+Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat itself. They
+were kept in the safe in the hold."
+
+A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
+
+"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan that
+we should know about how fast the House-boat was."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll take
+Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat."
+
+"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger,
+quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it."
+
+"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes upon
+Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of assistance in
+settling that point."
+
+"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?"
+asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir Walter. "We aren't
+preparing for a yacht-race that I know of. Nobody's after a cup, or a
+championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. The
+Captain hasn't taken more than half of mine along with him, but I am
+interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am
+somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthly
+use there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat. It
+strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we
+should suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."
+
+[Illustration: "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"]
+
+"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly,
+"but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest me."
+
+"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That ought
+to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are."
+
+"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water agrees
+with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, however, is that our
+unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are
+confronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive
+fashion. I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and that
+the privileges of the--ah--of the wharf be extended indefinitely to our
+friend on the string-piece."
+
+The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger
+resumed.
+
+"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom
+I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of three hundred
+wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before starting in
+pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the
+purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that we
+should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to
+overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the House-boat can sail
+four knots an hour, to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or other
+nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour."
+
+"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar.
+
+"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your
+late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon. "Now
+if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very soon
+determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorable
+circumstances."
+
+"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," said
+Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed
+to require. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take the
+liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer
+of the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and
+Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement."
+
+"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir
+Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to admit that
+practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with
+modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward
+and back in six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover
+the same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion
+steamers into the bargain."
+
+"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a flying
+balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until
+every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you on
+every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and
+your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing distance of her five minutes
+after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a
+gale."
+
+"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. "If
+these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the subject that
+is agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them
+confined in the bottomless pit."
+
+"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying to
+assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as the Ark
+was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren's--tub,
+which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursion
+boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub--"
+
+"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.
+
+"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch or
+any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a month," continued Noah,
+ignoring the interruption.
+
+"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher.
+
+"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit,"
+retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."
+
+"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning to
+the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the issue
+between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument--I wish to
+ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in our
+trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish your course in case
+a boat were provided?"
+
+"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.
+
+A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
+
+"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly,
+addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche."
+
+"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing by
+that act a select assortment of diamond rings.
+
+"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd has
+gone to London."
+
+"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?"
+
+"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a cigar.
+
+"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play this is!"
+
+"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; it is
+fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd
+just before he stepped on board the House-boat."
+
+"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of the
+assertion, what does it prove?"
+
+"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as follows.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+
+"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, as
+the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself. "From
+my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked ends
+of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an
+old clay pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of my
+acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even
+including these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my
+mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your
+minds would never become manifest through their agency."
+
+The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compact
+mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were beginning to feel an
+unusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come among them
+unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for
+an instant to listen.
+
+"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub of
+a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your mind?"
+
+"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this one, for
+instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the whole
+story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter
+disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in his
+usual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas."
+
+"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the part
+of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.
+
+"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The marks of
+two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you look closely,"
+said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, "make
+that point evident beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eye-tooth in
+one of his later raids; it was knocked out by a marline-spike which had
+been hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasure-ship he and his
+followers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed.
+The cigar end bears the marks of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus,
+which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth
+between them. It is not likely that there was another man in the pirate's
+crew with teeth exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be
+no doubt that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."
+
+"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and
+fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any
+properly constituted law court this evidence would long since have been
+ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or three hundred
+dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for
+the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the
+floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on 'Cigar Ends
+He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what earthly
+interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by Captain
+Kidd?"
+
+"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereabouts
+of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by trifles, seeming
+trifles, that the greatest detective work is done. My friends Le Coq,
+Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however much
+in other respects our methods may have differed. They left no stone
+unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling,
+uncared for. No more should we in the present instance overlook the
+minutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it
+may appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven in
+the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat
+conspicuously, but which I have never made public, because it involves a
+secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in the
+British Empire. I really believe that mystery was solved easily and at
+once because I happened to remember that the number of my watch was
+86507B. How trivial a thing, and yet how important it was, as the event
+transpired, you will realize when I tell you the incident."
+
+The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous and
+simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up closer, so as
+the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor old
+Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell with a loud splash into the Styx.
+Fortunately, however, one of Charon's pleasure-boats was close at hand,
+and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it,
+wrung out, and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversion
+having subsided, Solomon asked:
+
+"What was the incident of the lost tiara?"
+
+[Illustration: "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"]
+
+"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be
+understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I say,
+the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In life--in the
+mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say
+it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most interesting for purely
+literary purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary to
+go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to advertise
+his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a drum-major and hide
+under a kitchen-table for the purpose of solving a mystery involving the
+abduction of a parlor stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By
+mental concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment
+of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very
+reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real detective
+work into that line of the business with which the stage has familiarized
+the most of us--a line in which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellow
+wig is required of him who pursues it."
+
+"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.
+
+"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned
+Hawkshaw, contemptuously.
+
+"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le Coq,
+knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly have
+discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no
+avail, and merely a useless expense."
+
+"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman proceed,
+with all this conversation going on in the rear?"
+
+Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.
+
+"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara,"
+resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly insignificant
+details alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in that
+instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one
+evening in the early spring of 1894. The London season was at its height.
+Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full blast,
+when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A
+diamond tiara valued at L50,000 sterling had been stolen from the Duchess
+of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself and every
+individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince
+himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known to
+be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven o'clock at
+night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. I had been
+spending the evening alone in my library making notes for a second volume
+of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on the point of
+going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of my
+servants, hastily entering, informed me of the robbery. I changed my mind
+in respect to my midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for I
+knew that before one o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings
+with reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of
+such magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants
+could fly--"
+
+"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged
+elephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their
+probabilities deep into--"
+
+"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown.
+
+"Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam.
+
+"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson.
+
+"Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great
+honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because they
+could make so much more of it in a given time."
+
+Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these
+antediluvians," he said.
+
+"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are
+inexcusable!"
+
+"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm having
+about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it were a
+serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop;
+but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and for
+all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes to
+warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve months."
+
+"Go on! go on!" cried some.
+
+"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of course.
+
+"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that within an
+hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my hands. It
+would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to say, either the
+person robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the
+diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of self-preservation,
+would endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he should
+have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion of
+the probabilities inclined me to believe that the latter would be the
+case. I reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank.
+She cannot move rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is
+probable that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by
+which she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first
+place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed. He
+must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of her residence,
+who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will issue the
+orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally address
+themselves to me. 'I'll give that side two weeks,' I said. On the other
+hand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of
+security by counting on this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of
+occasionally entering upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own
+volition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime
+that has never been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and
+I pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.
+The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.
+'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It is
+now twelve twenty. He should be here by twelve forty-five. I will wait.'
+And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the
+meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had I
+perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I rose with a smile,
+for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there stood,
+much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was missing. It
+was the Duke of Brokedale himself. It is true he was disguised. His beard
+was powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of
+green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which
+is an unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began:
+
+"'You are Mr.--'
+
+"'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your stolen
+watch. It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses five
+minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not bear any
+inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your son
+Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.'"
+
+"Wonderful!" cried Johnson.
+
+"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. "Such
+penetration strikes me as marvellous."
+
+"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said was
+intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease. The Americans
+present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. I
+merely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by
+letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise. Imagine my surprise,
+however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with
+such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his beard
+was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting down in the chair I had just
+vacated, he quietly remarked:
+
+"'You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know that I had lost my
+watch?'
+
+"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely
+staggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost his
+watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take my
+words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising.
+However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his humor.
+'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of my business. It is the
+detective's place to know everything; and generally, if he reveals the
+machinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions, he is a fool,
+since his method is his secret, and his secret his stock in trade. I do
+not mind telling you, however, that I knew your watch was stolen by your
+anxious glance at my clock, which showed that you wished to know the time.
+Now most rich Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no
+hesitation about showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at
+it, not at my clock.'
+
+"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a
+wonderful man.
+
+"'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added.
+
+"'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren't
+good enough for American babies to chew on,' said I. 'They must have gold
+watches or nothing.'
+
+"'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked.
+
+"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the
+height of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end there,
+and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara. To my
+surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort.
+
+"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is Bunker. I
+_am_ stopping at the Savoy. I _am_ an American. I _was_ rich when I
+arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now that
+I have paid my first week's bill. I _have_ lost my watch; such a watch,
+too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your only mistake was that the
+dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot
+but wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that
+it sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart. The watch has
+no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that I
+want it back, and I will pay L200 for its recovery. I have no clew as to
+who took it. It was numbered--'
+
+"Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch I had
+merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at a raffle.
+My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on the
+instant divine. No one would like to suspect him of having purloined his
+wife's tiara. Why should I not deceive him, and at the same time get rid
+of my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a hundredfold?"
+
+"Good business!" cried Shylock.
+
+The stranger smiled and bowed.
+
+"Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It was
+numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own watch.
+
+"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow more
+marvellous at every step. That was indeed the number. Are you a demon?'
+
+"'No,' I replied. 'Only something of a mind-reader.'
+
+"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a watch that
+I knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive L200 if I found it. It seemed to
+him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view,
+feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch, it could
+not be recovered, and little suspecting that two could play at his little
+game of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist a
+ten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This business
+concluded, he started to go.
+
+"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, with
+all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the expense. 'It
+is a stormy night.'
+
+"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my
+table--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.
+
+"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy would
+reveal the true state of affairs. The mere mention of the word hat brought
+about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew
+ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He then
+nervously removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark running about his
+forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat fitted
+too tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline of
+nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex of the uppermost
+extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that could
+have been made only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved!
+The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me."
+
+A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, and
+even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of such
+genius.
+
+"My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was completely at
+my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it concealed in the lining of
+his hat. I rose and locked the door. My visitor sank with a groan into my
+chair.
+
+"'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the lock.
+
+"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, my
+lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat. I know
+who you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale has
+lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch.
+Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is a
+Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of it
+all is,' I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of
+loaded six-shooters out of my escritoire--'the queer part of it all is
+that I have the watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Hand
+over the bauble, please.'
+
+"'But--' he began.
+
+"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you the
+watch, and you needn't mind the L200; and you must give me the tiara, or
+I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search made of your
+hat. It won't pay you to defy me. Give it up.'
+
+"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara,
+snugly stowed away behind the head-band.
+
+"'You are a great fellow.' said I, as I held the tiara up to the light and
+watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems.
+
+"'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned. 'I was driven to it by
+necessity.'
+
+"'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. I'm
+not going to keep this thing. I'm not married, and so have no use for such
+a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retains
+me to find it, and then I'll find it and get the reward. If you keep
+perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a fashion that you'll never be
+suspected. If, on the other hand, you say a word about to-night's events,
+I'll hand you over to the police.'
+
+"'Humph!' he said. 'You couldn't prove a case against me.'
+
+"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't believe
+it, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs.
+
+"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than to
+come here. I thought you were only a literary success.' And with a
+deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I was
+retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I
+found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the L5000
+reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and
+afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was
+driven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and the
+following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the best
+wishes of the season.
+
+"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental
+concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of the
+pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamond
+mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to my
+mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my conclusions."
+
+"Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm.
+
+"Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf.
+
+The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth a
+bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator tosses
+playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was found
+printed the words:
+
+    ---------------------------
+    |    SHERLOCK HOLMES,     |
+    |      DETECTIVE.         |
+    |                         |
+    |  FERRETING DONE HERE.   |
+    |                         |
+    |    _Plots for Sale._    |
+    ---------------------------
+
+"I think he made a mistake in not taking the L200 for the watch. Such
+carelessness destroys my confidence in him," said Shylock, who was the
+first to recover from the surprise of the revelation.
+
+[Illustration: "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+
+"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers,
+led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled spirits, "after
+this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly necessary for me to
+assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything you may venture to
+suggest. There is still manifest, however, some desire on the part of the
+ever-wise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you deduce that
+Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you hold in your
+hand."
+
+[Illustration: "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"]
+
+"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes, genially. "I
+believe I have already proven that it is the end of Kidd's cigar. The
+marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe how closely it is
+smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his
+teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly have risked the edges of his mustache
+and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very light if
+he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances have smoked it
+that far unless he were passionately addicted to this particular brand of
+the weed. Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it
+was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he
+has gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand-rolled
+Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a real
+popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that is at
+London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of a London hotel.
+If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I should have been able
+definitely to locate the hotel itself. The wrappers unroll to a degree
+that varies perceptibly as between the different hotels. The Metropole
+cigar can be smoked a quarter through before its wrapper gives way; the
+Grand wrapper goes as soon as you light the cigar; whereas the Savoy,
+fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the
+others, and, as a consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most
+people are willing to throw the whole thing away."
+
+"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon.
+
+"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at all.
+Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make you a box."
+
+"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon. "Your logic is
+perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible conclusion that
+Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of these hotels."
+
+"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the
+neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a sneer
+on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence of
+his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so
+wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think of how much more
+refined his profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique
+he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his
+modern prototypes, he will leave his account unpaid, with the result that
+the affair will be put in the hands of the police, under which
+circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the famous police
+headquarters will be the safest hiding-place he can find, as was instanced
+by the remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain
+church-warden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed
+the Penstock Imperial Bank of L1,000,000 in bonds, and, fleeing to London,
+actually joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to
+find himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been
+found had he not crossed my path."
+
+Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane
+words under his breath.
+
+"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le Coq.
+"You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day through all
+eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that."
+
+"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective. "I
+shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this
+visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club
+members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth,
+we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes."
+
+"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery," said
+Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back against
+one of the spiles of the wharf.
+
+"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the House-boat is getting
+farther away."
+
+"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still nursing
+his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his reflections upon the
+speed of the Ark.
+
+"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste slowly; and
+on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and
+Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a week, and if
+we charter the _Flying Dutchman_ to go in pursuit of her we can catch her
+before she gets out of the Styx into the Atlantic."
+
+"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission," suggested
+Munchausen, dryly. "I for one would rather take a state-room in Jonah's
+whale than go aboard the _Flying Dutchman_ again. I made one trip on the
+_Dutchman_, and she's worse than a dory for comfort; furthermore, I don't
+see what good it would do us to charter a boat that can't land oftener
+than once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the
+Cape of Good Hope."
+
+"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But Baron
+Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room aboard of
+her. She doesn't carry second-class passengers. And if I took any stock in
+the idea of a trip on the _Flying Dutchman_ amounting to a seven years'
+exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses for a round trip."
+
+"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes. "This is a
+moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and
+personal preferences for immediate action. I have examined the wake of the
+House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a better
+term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat was making ten
+knots a day. Almost any craft we can find suitably manned ought to be able
+to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what
+boats he has at hand, it would be for the good of all concerned."
+
+"That's a good plan," said Johnson. "Boswell, see if you can find Charon."
+
+"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats
+have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The _Mayflower_ went into dry
+dock last week to be calked up; the _Pinta_ and the _Santa Maria_ are slow
+and cranky; the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimac_ I haven't really had time to
+patch up; and the _Valkyrie_ is two months overdue. I cannot make up my
+mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I
+really don't know what I can lend you. Any of these boats I have named you
+could have had for nothing; but my others are actively employed, and I
+couldn't let them go without a serious interference with my business."
+
+The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore.
+It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense the club was
+about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it for
+him, he was sincerely sorry for them.
+
+"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing, but the
+others I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give you a
+discount."
+
+And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should be
+an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.
+
+"The _Flying Dutchman_," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes.
+She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd catch up with
+the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and disappear
+like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do--with all respect to
+Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as any other waterlogged
+cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate for elephants and kangaroos,
+but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn't make a ripple high
+enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed. Furthermore, she's
+got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by running
+afoul of--Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went
+cruising with that menagerie of his."
+
+"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This man talks
+like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but
+simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the
+truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say
+this in defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my day."
+
+"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!" sneered Wren,
+perceiving a chance to get even.
+
+"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was a
+centreboard, and that's where you kept the board."
+
+"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants,"
+retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the elephant shuffling one of his
+fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day
+for forty days in one of your boats, and see where your boat would be."
+
+"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't patronize my line.
+All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he
+reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and swung
+himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what you want, unless you are
+going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If that's your intention, I'd
+charter her; the accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that
+kind."
+
+"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. "You've
+told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we can do."
+
+"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue themselves.
+That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em over here, and I
+think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em close, and it's my private
+opinion that before many days you'll see your club-house sailing back
+here, with Queen Elizabeth at the hellum, and the other ladies on the
+for'ard deck knittin' and crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in
+a conversational way, as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd
+and his pirate crew."
+
+"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising. "Whether the
+relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set going.
+The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they
+were capable of rescuing themselves. It is an accepted principle of law
+that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we've got
+enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the
+ranks. We must have a boat."
+
+"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon.
+
+"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet.
+
+"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of my
+wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece for their
+recovery."
+
+"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em on board,
+together with eighty of his fiancees. What's the quotation on fiancees,
+King Solomon?"
+
+"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their fathers'
+business to get 'em back. Not mine."
+
+Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody
+save Shylock had put his name down for something. This some one of the
+more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless
+disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call:
+"Shylock! Shylock! How much?"
+
+The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked.
+
+"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?"
+
+"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a bottle
+aloft. "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr.
+Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago
+on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper,
+and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more substantial than
+even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes."
+
+[Illustration: A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE]
+
+A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a
+cork-screw from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted the paper,
+and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the missing
+vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read,
+aloud:
+
+"Have just emerged into the Atlantic. Club in hands of Kidd and forty
+ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board. Headed for the
+Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in the
+billiard-room. (Signed) Portia."
+
+"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory is."
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about seafaring, but
+Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first
+tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions."
+
+The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for
+Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined.
+
+"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, "but
+with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus!" and with that
+he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows
+of the wood.
+
+And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely
+twin-screw steamer the _Gehenna_ was chartered of Charon, and put under
+the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the company
+for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, observing in strictest
+confidence to himself that he had done well to prepare that bottle
+beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it.
+
+"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again free of
+cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me there or not. I
+never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height of my
+popularity."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all. Once
+having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of
+ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind if
+they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his
+men not done it for them.
+
+"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all
+this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, which
+missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is not
+right."
+
+"No," said Portia. "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm going
+to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he doesn't give in
+to me, I'll reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock _versus_
+Antonio."
+
+"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for I
+swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of injustice
+ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs.
+Caesar's card-parties, that he regarded that as the biggest joke he ever
+wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony that the decision wouldn't
+have held in any court of equity outside of Venice. If you owe a man a
+thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them, that's your
+affair, not his. If it cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay
+the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the
+world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a
+woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities."
+
+"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," shuddered
+Elizabeth.
+
+"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away with
+a raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra. "I'm half sorry it didn't go on,
+and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than compelling Brutus to
+fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver _en brochette_, as is
+done in that Julius Caesar play."
+
+"Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia.
+
+"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it,
+you'd never have been known. What was that?"
+
+The boat had given a slight lurch.
+
+"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the Egyptian
+Queen.
+
+"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit,"
+returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state of
+development, she had become a martyr to her nerves.
+
+"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I fancy,"
+said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the way that old fellow allows
+these modern innovations to be brought in here! As if the old paddle-boats
+he used to carry shades in weren't good enough for the immigrants of this
+age! Really this Styx River is losing a great deal of its charm. Sir
+Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last summer, by the
+waves kicked up by one of Charon's excursion steamers going up the river
+with a party of picnickers from the city--the Greater Gehenna Chowder
+Club, I believe it was--on board of her. One might just as well live in
+the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet
+here in the suburbs in these days. Charon isn't content to get rich
+slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all
+the comfort of everybody living on this river. Anybody'd think he was an
+American, the way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same way. The
+Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers."
+
+"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by the
+introduction of American ideas--it is getting by far too democratic for my
+tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that the best people will
+stop coming here. Take Madame Recamier's salon as it is now and compare it
+with what it used to be! In the early days, after her arrival here,
+everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you'd be sure of
+meeting the intellectually elect. On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on
+the other, Cicero; across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with
+some such person as myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte,
+were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like
+Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto. You couldn't move
+without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. The
+money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the result
+that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place
+last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for dinners. Let me see,
+I think I have it with me; I've kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is
+such a complete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in this
+locality. Ah! this is it," she added, taking a small bit of paste-board
+from her card-case. "Read that."
+
+The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished--and
+naturally so, for it ran this wise:
+
+    --------------------------------------------------
+    |             NOTICE TO HOSTESSES.               |
+    |                                                |
+    |  Owing to the very great, constantly growing,  |
+    |  and at times vexatious demands upon his time  |
+    |  socially,                                     |
+    |                                                |
+    |         HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART           |
+    |                                                |
+    |  takes this method of announcing to his        |
+    |  friends that on and after January 1, 1897,    |
+    |  his terms for functions will be as follows:   |
+    |                                                |
+    |                                       Marks.   |
+    |  Dinners with conversation on the              |
+    |    Theory of Music  .................   500    |
+    |  Dinners with conversation on the              |
+    |    Theory of Music, illustrated  ....   750    |
+    |  Dinners without any conversation  ..   300    |
+    |  Receptions, public, with music  ....  1000    |
+    |      "       private,    "     ......   750    |
+    |  Encores (single)  ..................   100    |
+    |  Three encores for  .................   150    |
+    |  Autographs  ........................    10    |
+    |                                                |
+    |  Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock    |
+    |  Teas or Morning Musicales considered.         |
+    --------------------------------------------------
+
+"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that
+extraordinary? He's got the three-name craze, too!"
+
+"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra. "But it's fairer than Artemus
+Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge you; but with
+Ward it's different. He comes, and afterwards sends a bill for his fun.
+Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement' from him showing a
+charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for humorous remarks made to my
+guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor of Balzac, and,
+worst of all, he had marked it 'Please remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote
+a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't let me have it until he had heard whether
+or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the _Gossip_. With Rubens
+giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias doing 'Five-minute Masterpieces in
+Putty' for suburban lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines
+turning their genius to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's
+impossible to have a salon now."
+
+"You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly. "Those were palmy
+days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade. I shall
+never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time
+were--ah--were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of
+lights and supper. Now the only people who will come for nothing are those
+we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready, but you
+can't run a salon on Boswell."
+
+"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the
+functions altogether, because I have always found them most delightful. It
+is still possible to have lights and supper."
+
+"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, "but I suppose I
+shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt it.
+The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea worthy of an
+American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to give it up entirely,
+which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An incorporated salon, however,
+would be a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the salon.
+'The Recamier Salon (Limited)' would be a most excellent title, and,
+suitably capitalized, would enable us to pay our lions sufficiently.
+Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions. It's as much as I
+can afford to pay for a dinner, without running up an expense account for
+guests; and unless we get up a salon trust, as it were, the whole affair
+must go to the wall."
+
+[Illustration: MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN]
+
+"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia. "I can't see where your
+dividends would come from."
+
+"That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier. "We could put up a large
+reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a series of
+nights--say one a week throughout the season. These would be Warriors'
+Night, Story-tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish Night under the
+charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on. It would be understood that on these
+particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines would be
+present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on
+payment of a certain sum of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this
+country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well, as I
+think I do, they'll pay readily for the privilege. The obscure love to rub
+up against the famous here as well as they do on earth."
+
+"You'd run a sort of Social Zoo?" suggested Elizabeth.
+
+"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An
+advertisement in Boswell's paper, which everybody buys--"
+
+"And which nobody reads," said Portia.
+
+"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Recamier. "As I was
+saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as follows:
+'Are you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at the
+Recamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply magnificent as a business
+enterprise. The common herd would be tickled to death if they could get
+great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them."
+
+"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs
+gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, 'The supper was
+furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier Salon (Limited)'?"
+suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.
+
+"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an unpleasant
+possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if we want to
+preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they
+have a commercial value, and they are availing themselves of the demand."
+
+"It is a sad age!" sighed Elizabeth.
+
+"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe: "You people
+who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on yourselves.
+You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a
+moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance.
+His wife told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The
+rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making
+after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his
+pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful
+expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she
+could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that
+he couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid he
+would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for refusing."
+
+"Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
+
+"So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe. "Though
+Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out
+too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of
+Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thursday Night Club, merely
+to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had
+sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply run it into the
+ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to
+fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is expected to
+be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are
+getting tired of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too
+much of it upon them."
+
+"They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier. "A genius likes nothing
+better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling
+on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble
+brow."
+
+"True," said Xanthippe. "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a
+mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the
+market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to
+weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a
+man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding instead of
+permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm."
+
+"That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia.
+
+"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe. "No man ever gave me
+my ideas."
+
+As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
+
+"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. "The boat has broken loose from
+her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we don't hurry up and do
+something, we'll drift out to sea!"
+
+"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the
+stairs. "I was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was the wash
+from one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth."
+
+"I thought it was," said Elizabeth, following closely after.
+
+"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia. "Calpurnia just looked out of
+the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream."
+
+The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend,
+Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to the
+upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain Kidd were
+thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the
+gathering gloom. "Pipe my eye for a sardine if we haven't captured a
+female seminary!" he cried.
+
+[Illustration: "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"]
+
+And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-room,
+while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and retreated into
+the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to "what
+next."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+
+"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in
+perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the capstan to
+discuss the situation. "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed
+athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low-down ruffians
+like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the water's
+edge with advanced women--I've half a mind to turn back."
+
+[Illustration: "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"]
+
+"If you do, you swim--we'll not turn back with you," retorted Abeuchapeta,
+whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of the
+House-boat. "I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not
+embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out
+for business. If you had thirty thousand women on board, still should I
+not turn back."
+
+"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd. "Where can we go without
+attracting attention? Who's going to feed 'em? Who's going to dress 'em?
+Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets? You don't know anything about these
+creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, can't we arbitrate that
+name of yours? It would be fearful to remember in the excitement of a
+fight."
+
+"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer,
+for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta's preferral.
+
+"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit,"
+retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.
+
+"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing
+angrily to his feet, "I'll have your life!"
+
+"Gentlemen! Gentlemen--my noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd. "Come, come;
+this will never do! I must have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no
+time for divisions in our councils. An entirely unexpected element has
+entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no
+light matter--"
+
+"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I do
+not agree. We've got our ship and we've got our crew, and in addition we
+find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as
+ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work.
+There is plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a
+very hard fight, and come out of the melee somewhat the worse for wear, it
+will be a blessing to have 'em along to mend our togas, sew buttons on our
+uniforms, and darn our hosiery."
+
+Morgan laughed sarcastically. "When did you flourish, if ever, colonel?"
+he asked.
+
+"Do you refer to me?" queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown.
+
+"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily. "I have quite
+forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?"
+
+"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further
+outbreak of hostilities--"Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas
+in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his
+piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is
+without parallel off the comic-opera stage. He never went forth without at
+least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels."
+
+Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.
+
+"Six-ninety-eight was my great year," he said.
+
+"That's what I thought," said Morgan. "That is to say, you got your ideas
+of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat
+since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I have
+no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes
+to 'feminology' you are sailing in unknown waters. The study of women, my
+dear Abeuchadnezzar--"
+
+"Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.
+
+"I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan, with
+a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate did not
+see, else there would have been an open break--"the study of women is more
+difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all
+women are unique. Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your
+day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our day--in
+fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to say that no
+individual woman is alike."
+
+"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a
+puzzled sort of way.
+
+"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said
+Morgan. "What is it the poet called her?--'an infinite variety show,' or
+something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville--a continuous performance,
+as it were, from twelve to twelve."
+
+"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily
+as bo'sun. "The times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she
+was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she was. The Roman Gynaeceum
+would be an impossibility to-day. You might as well expect Delilah to open
+a barbershop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced females
+below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate's uniform after a fray, or to keep
+the fringe on his epaulets curled. They're no longer sewing-machines--they
+are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views
+now--they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for
+themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man
+and emancipate woman. It's my private opinion that if we are to get along
+with them at all the best thing to do is to let 'em alone. I have always
+found I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going to
+be settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, I'll
+vote for any measure which involves leaving them strictly to themselves.
+They're nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can
+pretend we don't see them."
+
+"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is
+impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are
+strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates.
+We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect
+whales to spout kerosene. In the first place, it would be excessively
+impolite of us to cut them--to decline to speak to them if they should
+address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall
+never forget that we are gentlemen."
+
+"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you think?"
+suggested Conrad. "There's nobody to introduce us, and I can't really see
+how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am not going to
+stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an acquaintance
+with them, even if I am of a Byronic strain."
+
+"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation. These
+women are at present--or shortly will be, when they realize their
+situation--in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue
+of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the
+seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines it is
+now considered _de rigueur_ to speak to anybody you choose to. The
+introduction business isn't going to stand in my way."
+
+"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is worrying
+you? You said something about feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping
+them in bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in the sea to feed 'em; and
+as for their gowns and hats, they can make 'em themselves. Every woman is
+a milliner at heart."
+
+"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers me. I
+was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York, admiral.
+That is where the money is, and to get it you've got to go ashore, to
+headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern
+civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the pirate's business. The latest
+news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that
+I never dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I speak are
+interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins here. Captain
+Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the
+condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the high seas?"
+
+"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was a
+recent arrival in Hades. "It is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain
+for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since you ask me. When
+I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my
+readin', which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school nater--to become
+somethin' different from the little Willies an' the clever Tommies what I
+read about therein. They was all good, an' they went to their reward too
+soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an'
+unpleasant diversion. Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only
+reward, an' a-wish-in' others, I says to myself: 'Jim,' says I, 'if you
+wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be as you are
+a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals, you'll end up
+as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no
+hope for no public preferment beyond bein' made the superintendent of the
+Sunday-school; but if so be as how you're bad, you may become famous, an'
+go to Congress, an' have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.' So I
+looks around for books tellin' how to get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an'
+after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate's just the
+thing for me, seein' as how it's both profitable an' healthy. Passin' over
+details, let me tell you that I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, an' by
+dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school books useter say, in my badness
+I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys, I
+wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back, loud like, 'Jim, we're
+with you,' an' they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan
+Gulf, the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there was precious
+little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday noospaper,
+which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern Piracy' which I didn't
+write. Finally business got so bad the crew began to murmur, an' I was at
+my wits' ends to please 'em; when one mornin', havin' passed a restless
+night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer
+is a weritable treasure-ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and the
+jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.' 'Here's
+my chance,' says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I
+captures her easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin' according like. We
+steals the box a-hold-in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the millions,
+hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo, me with two
+bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, and one engin' of my ship
+disabled by a shot--but happy. Twelve an' a half millions at one break is
+enough to make anybody happy."
+
+"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head.
+"I didn't get that in all my career."
+
+"Nor I," sighed Kidd. "But go on, Hawkins."
+
+"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the rondyvoo to
+look over our booty. 'Captain 'Awkins,' says my valet--for I was a swell
+pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my
+clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers--'this 'ere twelve
+millions,' says he, 'is werry light,' says he, carryin' the bag ashore. 'I
+don't care how light it is, so long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,'
+says I; but my heart sinks inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we
+lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach. I opens the
+bag, an' it's the one I was after--but the twelve millions!"
+
+"Weren't there?" cried Conrad.
+
+"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million was
+represented by a certified check, an' payable in London!"
+
+[Illustration: "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED
+CHECK, AN' PAYABLE IN LONDON'"]
+
+"By Jingo!" cried Morgan. "What fearful luck! But you had the prima
+donna's jewels."
+
+"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. "But they was like all other prima
+donna's jewels--for advertisin' purposes only, an' made o' gum-arabic!"
+
+"Horrible!" said Abeuchapeta. "And the crew, what did they say?"
+
+"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins. "Werry few words, an'
+not a civil word in the lot--mostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I
+told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltin' of 'em,
+an'--well, I came here. I was 'sas'inated that werry night!"
+
+"They killed you?" cried Morgan.
+
+"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. "They always was a lavish lot. I met
+death in all its most horrid forms. First they stabbed me, then they shot
+me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a lynchin'--but I
+didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that I'm here
+I'm glad it happened. This life is sort of less responsible than that
+other. You can't hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain't nothing
+to hurt, an' I must say I like bein' a mere vision what everybody can see
+through."
+
+"All of which interesting tale proves what?" queried Abeuchapeta.
+
+"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check
+banking system," said Kidd. "If you can get a chance at real gold it's all
+right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop
+payment on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little
+freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found."
+
+"Well? Can't we do it now?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd. "If we went to
+London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it
+spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours."
+
+"Then leave them on board," said Abeuchapeta.
+
+"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd. "No. There are but two
+things to do. Take 'em back, or land them in Paris. Tell them to spend a
+week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell 'em to shop to their hearts'
+content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them
+stranded."
+
+"Splendid!" cried Morgan.
+
+"But will they consent?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Consent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?" cried Morgan.
+
+"Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins. "Will they consent! Will a duck swim?"
+
+And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the
+House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+
+When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boat
+was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly
+Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs
+behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen
+to gaze through that diaphanous person's ribs, could have been seen to
+beat angrily.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her
+regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the
+most unroyal fashion.
+
+"Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The idea of
+it! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of
+the block!"
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN
+POWER]
+
+"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard-room
+and discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that something has
+happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft."
+
+"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can see
+through the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left her
+moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the
+distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that
+the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of
+accident. Let us below."
+
+Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the
+moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave
+one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.
+
+"Very well," she said. "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!"
+
+"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants to cut
+somebody."
+
+The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded as
+being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into
+the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about
+anxiously discussing the situation.
+
+"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those
+pool-balls!" These were in very truth chasing each other about the table
+in an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed you horrid new
+creatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.
+
+"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out of
+the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the
+disquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the part
+of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time
+it should cease."
+
+"Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again.
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, and I
+must say it is getting tiresome. You couldn't do anything with an axe.
+Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who were
+accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, if you had
+the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate
+upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck
+if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for
+all the good it would do us in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp
+with her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake like
+that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into
+the sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for there
+isn't any of us that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us."
+
+"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic
+spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which
+she found herself.
+
+"I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot. "But I'm not that kind of a salt."
+
+"I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't know, for
+I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough
+for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived.
+If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical
+experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it."
+
+"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but in the
+emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we
+know what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought to
+know how far that reliance can go--not that I lack confidence in you, my
+dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care to rely upon
+the oak, not upon the reed."
+
+"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say here
+that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so
+level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spoken
+truly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make her
+my attorney-general. We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all
+things in a calm, judicial manner."
+
+"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked Ophelia,
+faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for the
+House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously, with no alleviation save an
+occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that it gave
+variety to their discomfort. "I don't believe a chief-justice could look
+at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do."
+
+"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know exactly
+how you feel. I have been there myself. The fourth day out I and my whole
+family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband, was so
+very far gone that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six days
+before he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed myself."
+
+"But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me--"
+
+"It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. "When he heard that the boys were
+sea-sick too, he actually laughed and began to get better right away.
+There is really only one cure for the _mal de mer_, and that is the fun of
+knowing that somebody else is suffering too. If some of you ladies would
+kindly yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor
+girl on her feet in an instant."
+
+Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to this
+appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in solitude.
+
+"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped Xanthippe,
+with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a
+comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently improving. "I have
+no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired of
+succumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature."
+
+"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a great
+deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that it is
+rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle as
+that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she
+withdrew the sentiment. There are certain things about a sea-voyage that
+are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one who
+chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more confident
+than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour she will not be as
+badly off. People who live in glass houses should not throw dice."
+
+"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let me
+tell you that," retorted Xanthippe. "Furthermore, the proverb is not as
+the lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses should not throw
+stones' is the proper version."
+
+"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that people
+who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely what I
+said. People who live in glass houses should not take chances. In assuming
+with such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be seasick, the lady
+who has just spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on
+the Ark when we gathered about the table at night and began to make small
+wagers on the day's run."
+
+"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. "It
+is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does
+not care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more important that
+we should decide upon our future course of action. In the first place, the
+question is who these people up on deck are. If they are the members of
+the club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land us
+safely again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to manifest
+no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in the proceeding.
+It would never do to let them think that their joke has been a good one.
+If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some horde of
+ruffians, who have pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the
+business of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with
+treachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing to
+make every man on board walk the plank, having confidence in the
+seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port."
+
+"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and I
+move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of subcommittees--one
+on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on
+strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation,
+headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, with
+Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft--all of these
+subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra and
+Calpurnia. The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our interests
+unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without
+thought of the morrow."
+
+"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame
+Recamier be appointed chair-lady of another subcommittee, on
+entertainment."
+
+The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with an
+enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.
+
+The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to
+discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed to
+obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window. The
+faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as, immediately
+following upon this apparition, a large bundle was hurled through the open
+port into the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished.
+
+"Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once.
+
+"Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man doesn't
+mind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up. We're safe
+enough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of illustrated
+papers."
+
+"That's what it is," said Cleopatra, who had been investigating. "It's
+rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the window
+that way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear me," she added, as,
+having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her,
+"how interesting! All the latest Paris fashions. Humph! Look at those
+sleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would have been with
+those sleeves added to your ruffs!"
+
+"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing on
+her tiptoes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder. "That Watteau isn't
+bad, either, is it, now?"
+
+"No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that would go
+on my blue alpaca?"
+
+"Very nicely," said Elizabeth. "How many gores has it?"
+
+"Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Caesar's toga. We had to have
+our costumes distinct in some way."
+
+"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of a
+Virot creation at the top of the page.
+
+"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," smiled
+Mrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn't
+have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals browsing
+about the upper and lower decks."
+
+"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to take
+in the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how that waist
+would make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly
+contrasting stock of satin ribbon?"
+
+"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame
+Recamier. "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with
+deeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad."
+
+"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifle
+too light for general wear. I should want some kind of a wrap with it."
+
+"It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of passementerie and
+jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck held by a _chou_,
+would make it fascinating."
+
+"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising from
+her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so animated a
+discussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding about
+Cleopatra and the papers.
+
+[Illustration: "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"]
+
+"A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I don't
+like those basque terminations. I've never approved of those full
+godets--"
+
+"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her voice,
+"has a suggestion to make."
+
+"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. "What is
+the use of them?"
+
+"They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame Recamier.
+
+"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by the
+absorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make. This is
+the third and last call."
+
+"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had forgotten
+all about our committees. Excuse me, Delilah. I--ah--was absorbed in other
+matters. Will you kindly lay your pattern--I should say your plan--before
+us?"
+
+"It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we invite
+the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the supervision of
+Lucretia Borgia, and that she--"
+
+The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speaker
+was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant opening, and
+the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd.
+
+"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation in
+which you find yourselves. Have I your permission to speak?"
+
+The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion.
+
+"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper;
+and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the nefarious plan
+upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in
+through the window of the bundle of fashion papers was the first.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
+
+
+It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the preceding
+chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the _Gehenna_, which
+was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-starred ocean
+steamship _City of Chicago_, which tried some years ago to reach Liverpool
+by taking the overland route through Ireland, fortunately without
+detriment to her passengers or crew, who had the pleasure of the
+experience of shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning. As
+will be remembered, the obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented
+the _City of Chicago_ from proceeding farther inland than was necessary to
+keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed;
+and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to
+the Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had himself
+incorporated, is a matter of nautical history. The change of name to the
+_Gehenna_ was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a
+desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of the Stygian
+capital against the flourishing and ever-growing metropolis of Illinois.
+
+The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft. Charon,
+through his constant association with life on both sides of the dark
+river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of modern business
+methods, and while as janitor of the club he was subject to the will of
+the House Committee, and sympathized deeply with the members of the
+association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation Company
+he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which were
+embarrassing to those members of the association to whose hands the
+chartering of a vessel had been committed.
+
+"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had
+expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the terms
+upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old hypocrite.
+You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they've got as
+dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask you for a ship
+of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you become a
+sort of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse. His instincts are
+accidents of birth. Yours are cultivated, and you know it."
+
+"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to this.
+"You don't understand my position. It is a very hard one. As janitor of
+your club I am really prostrated over the events of the past twenty-four
+hours. My occupation is gone, and my despair over your loss is
+correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to brood over it. I
+was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon--so hysterical that I came
+near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to Madame
+Medusa's villa last evening; and right at the sluice of the vitriol
+reservoir at that."
+
+[Illustration: "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"]
+
+"Then why the deuce don't you do something to help us?" pleaded Hamlet.
+
+"How can I do any more than I have done? I've offered you the _Gehenna_,"
+retorted Charon.
+
+"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh. "If we had all the wealth of
+the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying you the sums you demand."
+
+"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon. "I'd like, as
+president, to show you some courtesy, and I'm perfectly willing to do so;
+but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I'm bound by my
+official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders. It isn't as it
+used to be when I had boats to hire in my own behalf alone. In those days
+I had nobody's interest but my own to look after. Now the ships all belong
+to the Styx Navigation Company. Can't you see the difference?"
+
+"You own all the stock, don't you?" insisted Raleigh.
+
+"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly. "I haven't seen the
+transfer-books lately."
+
+"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you haven't
+sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet.
+
+Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and Sir
+Walter's heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could not be
+cornered.
+
+"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "I--I can't
+say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not. The fact is,
+I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up that stock as
+security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out by my brokers.
+I've been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence that I haven't seen the
+market reports for two days. Really you'll have to be content with my
+offer or go without the _Gehenna_. There's too much suspicion attached to
+high corporate officials lately for me to yield a jot in the position I
+have taken. It would never do to get you all ready to start, and then have
+an injunction clapped on you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not
+satisfied with the terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me
+that to retain my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a
+trust committed to my charge. I'll gladly lend you my private launch,
+though I don't think it will aid you much, because the naphtha-tank has
+exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two weeks ago.
+Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that either Phidias or
+Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you if you ask him to."
+
+"Bah!" retorted Raleigh. "You might as well offer us a pair of skates."
+
+"I would, if I thought the river'd freeze," retorted Charon, blandly.
+
+Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own
+devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his other
+eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief.
+
+"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter. "We'll have to pay
+him his money."
+
+"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this they
+proceeded at once to do.
+
+"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective after
+he had heard Sir Walter's statement of the case. "It is an old saying that
+one should fight fire with fire. We must meet modern business methods with
+modern commercial ideas. Charter his vessel at his own price."
+
+"But we'd never be able to pay," said Hamlet.
+
+"Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes. "It is evident that you know nothing of the laws
+of trade nowadays. Don't pay!"
+
+"But how can we?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"The method is simple. You haven't anything to pay with," returned Holmes.
+"Let him sue. Suppose he gets a verdict. You haven't anything he can
+attach--if you have, make it over to your wives or your fiancees."
+
+"Is that honest?" asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully.
+
+"It's business," said Holmes.
+
+"But suppose he wants an advance payment?" queried Hamlet.
+
+"Give him a check drawn to his own order. He'll have to endorse it when he
+deposits it, and that will make him responsible," laughed Holmes.
+
+"What a simple thing when you understand it!" commented Raleigh.
+
+"Very," said Holmes. "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an exact
+science. It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I played a modest
+part some ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a profession. I
+was sitting one night in my room at one of the Brighton hotels, which
+shall be nameless. I never give the name of any of the hotels at which I
+stop, because it might give offence to the proprietors of other hotels,
+with the result that my books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice
+it to say that I was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my
+friend Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying our evening smoke
+together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came a
+timid knock on the door of my room.
+
+"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice. Do you wish to wager a
+small bottle upon it?'
+
+"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile. 'I am thirsty and I'd like a small
+bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll take the bet. I should like
+to know, though, how you know.'
+
+"'It is quite simple,' said I. 'The timidity of the knock shows that my
+visitor is one of two classes of persons--an autograph-hunter or a client,
+one of the two. You see I give you a chance to win. It may be an
+autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client. If it were a creditor, he
+would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the maid, she would
+not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would not come until I had
+rung five times for him. None of these things has occurred; the knock is
+the half-hearted knock which betokens either that the person who knocked
+is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception. I am willing, however,
+considering the heat and my desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it
+is a client.'
+
+"'Done,' said Watson; and I immediately remarked, 'Come in.'
+
+"The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a
+bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had happened.
+
+"'Your name is Burgess,' I said. 'You came here from London this morning,
+expecting to return to-night. You brought no luggage with you. After
+luncheon you went in bathing. You had machine No. 35, and when you came
+out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your clothes
+and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day you succeeded to his
+business.'
+
+"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir Walter
+and Hamlet--"of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued: 'You have
+been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for nightfall, so
+that you could come to me for assistance, not considering it good form to
+make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad in a
+bathing-suit. Am I correct?'
+
+"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my story
+exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in coming to
+you. Would you mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?'
+
+"'It is plain as day,' said I. 'I am the person with the red beard with
+whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you told me
+your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher. When you looked to see
+the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which led to your
+telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.'
+
+"'True,' said Burgess, 'but I did not tell you I had no luggage.'
+
+"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought any
+other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on
+to come here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from your costume.'
+
+"'But the number of the machine?' asked Watson.
+
+"'Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,' said I.
+
+"'One more question,' queried Burgess. 'How do you know I have been lying
+face downward on the beach ever since?'
+
+"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the
+small bottle."
+
+"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed Hamlet,
+somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of this tale,
+"that suggested this train of thought to you."
+
+"The sequel will show," returned Holmes.
+
+"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh. "Can't we put off the sequel until a later
+issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing time."
+
+"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office of the
+Navigation Company," observed the detective. "When the bottle came I
+invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late
+when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight.
+This he accepted, and we retired.
+
+"The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared."
+
+"You had dreamed its solution?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"No," replied Holmes. "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, my
+false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch. The only thing he had left me was
+the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles."
+
+"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's
+office--"why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted
+to-day?"
+
+"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it all,"
+explained Holmes. "I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe one thing
+about him. Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and
+with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96
+and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that he was an impostor.
+_Vide_ Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,' pp. 631-640."
+
+"Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?" demanded
+Hamlet.
+
+"If he has any--yes; but I did not know that at the time of the Brighton
+mystery. Therefore I should have stayed out of the case. But here we are.
+Good-morning, Charon."
+
+By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president of
+the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was chartered
+at a fabulous price.
+
+On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked Holmes if
+he thought the plan they had settled upon would work.
+
+"Charon is a very shrewd old fellow," said he. "He may outwit us yet."
+
+"The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor," observed
+Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh's ears. "The temporal angle of
+your ears is 93-1/8 degrees, whereas Charon's stand out at 91, by my
+otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to his. If
+criminology is an exact science, reasoning by your respective ears, you
+ought to beat him out by a perceptible though possibly narrow margin."
+
+With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and within
+twelve hours the _Gehenna_ was under way, carrying a full complement of
+crew and officers, with every state-room on board occupied by some spirit
+of the more illustrious kind.
+
+Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of night
+he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself in an empty
+water-cask in the forecastle.
+
+[Illustration: "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE
+GANG-PLANK"]
+
+"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily through the
+bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and damp enough, and, considering the
+cost, I can't complain. You can't get something for nothing, even in
+Hades."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA"
+
+
+When the _Gehenna_ had passed down the Styx and out through the beautiful
+Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and everything was
+comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down from
+the bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the
+expedition at the moment of departure. His brow was furrowed with anxiety,
+and through his massive forehead his brain could be seen to be throbbing
+violently, and the corrugations of his gray matter were not pleasant to
+witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an idea out of them.
+
+"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously. "We are not in any
+danger, are we?"
+
+"No," replied Holmes. "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the
+surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an hour or two
+ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate to
+my mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the House-boat has
+changed her course. Take that bubble floating by. It is the last expiring
+bit of aerial agitation of the House-boat's wake. Observe whence it comes.
+Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight
+course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the northeast, and
+was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London seems to
+have become their destination."
+
+Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from
+stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he opened
+his _bonbonniere_ and swallowed a pebble.
+
+"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?" queried
+Holmes.
+
+"No," returned the Greek. "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but these
+pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down. How on earth do you know that
+that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?"
+
+"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes. "A merely worldly
+vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake. That one we have just
+discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which it
+seems to me the English language is very much in need of. It proves, then,
+that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a Stygian craft, and the only
+Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is the
+House-boat--Q.E.D."
+
+"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I
+presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories of
+his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition rather
+than by study of the science.
+
+"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes,
+simply, as though not observing the sneer, "because the ripple represents
+the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; and as any one
+of the sides to an angle is greater than the perpendicular from the
+hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going the long way. This is
+especially important when you consider the formation of the bow of the
+House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and comes
+near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of ninety degrees."
+
+"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must
+change our course and sail for Paris?"
+
+"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means certain as
+yet. I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop and look about
+him, he might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of
+the theory."
+
+"He couldn't discover anything," put in Pinzon. "He never did."
+
+"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus. "I'd like to know who discovered
+America."
+
+"So should I," observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci.
+
+"Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did it, and the world knows it, whether you
+claim it or not."
+
+"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon. "You sat upon the
+deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for three
+months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even when you had
+it right before your eyes. Noah might just as well have told his family
+that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back to Spain telling
+'em all that San Salvador was the United States."
+
+"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh. "I'm the one they
+celebrate, so what's the odds? I'd rather stay down here in the
+smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast and
+strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to prove or
+disprove the correctness of another man's theory. I wouldn't know evidence
+when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge Blackstone."
+
+"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone. "The dignity of
+the bench must and shall be preserved, and I'll never consent to climb up
+that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks me
+to go."
+
+[Illustration: JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP]
+
+"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly. "I am
+commander of this ship. It will pay you to remember that, Judge
+Blackstone."
+
+"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly. "Bear that in
+mind, captain, when you try to send me up. I'll issue a writ of _habeas
+corpus_ on my own body, and commit you for contempt."
+
+"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing by
+the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble might
+ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to. "He's accustomed to
+weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision. If he
+saw any evidence, he'd have to sit on it a week before reaching a
+conclusion. What we need here more than anything else is an expert seaman,
+a lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has sailed under his father, and I have
+it on good authority that he is a nautical expert."
+
+Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the necessity of
+disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded.
+
+"Very well," he said. "Shem be it. Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him
+that general order number one requires him to report at the mizzentop
+right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come below and
+make it known to me. As for the rest of us, having a very considerable
+appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time. Shall we go below?"
+
+[Illustration: SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT]
+
+"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh. "Fact is--ah--I
+dined last week, and am not hungry."
+
+Noah laughed. "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said. "It'll do
+you good."
+
+But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his
+state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck. The rest
+of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were soon engaged
+in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder provided.
+
+"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call
+comfort. I don't know that I am so anxious to recover the House-boat,
+after all."
+
+"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on, and
+with such a larder. Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor--"
+
+"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but I--I've left my note-bub-book
+upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and get it."
+
+"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I judge from your color, which is highly
+suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well too if you
+stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries in your
+commonplace book."
+
+"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. "Shall you say anything clever
+during dinner, sir? If so, I might be putting it down while I'm up--"
+
+"Get out!" roared the Doctor. "Get up as high as you can--get up with Shem
+on the mizzentop--"
+
+"Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and he was off.
+
+"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he means
+well."
+
+"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous. Last winter, at
+Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell printed a week
+before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and 'uproarious
+applause' interspersed through it. It placed me in a false position."
+
+"How did he know what you were going to say?" queried Demosthenes.
+
+"Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind of mind-reader, I fancy," he added,
+blushing a trifle. "But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from your
+observation of the wake of the House-boat? If she's going to Paris, why
+the change?"
+
+"I have two theories," replied the detective.
+
+"Which is always safe," said Le Coq.
+
+"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes. "Anyhow,
+it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting. The change of her
+course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either that Kidd is not
+satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already taken, and wishes
+to ruin you gentlemen financially by turning your wives, daughters, and
+sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the pirates have themselves
+been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise
+and get some fun out of their misfortune."
+
+"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure go?"
+asked Bonaparte.
+
+"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington, with a
+sly wink at Washington.
+
+"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte. "It wasn't you beat me at
+Waterloo. You couldn't have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of old-maid
+with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, if you hadn't
+had the elements with you."
+
+"Tut!" snapped Wellington. "It was clear science laid you out, Boney."
+
+"Taisey-voo!" shouted the irate Corsican. "Clear science be hanged! Wet
+science was what did it. If it hadn't been for the rain, my little Duke, I
+should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would have been
+camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere
+else."
+
+"You must have had a gay army, then," laughed Caesar. "What are French
+soldiers made of, that they can't stand the wet--unshrunk linen or
+flannel?"
+
+"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few paces
+away. "You do not understand the French. The Frenchman is not a pell-mell
+soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go in for
+glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than
+honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out of the
+fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and his
+epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no glory in water. But if we had
+had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as every Englishman who comes to the
+Continent always has, and a bath-tub for everybody, then would your
+Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of Europe with
+a Bonaparte for emperor would have been founded for what the Americans
+call the keeps; and as for your little Great Britain, ha! she would have
+become the Blackwell's Island of the Greater France."
+
+"You're almost as funny as _Punch_ isn't," drawled Wellington, with an
+angry gesture at Bonaparte. "You weren't within telephoning distance of
+victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a regular game
+of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and win a few holes, but
+on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke. Go to, my dear
+Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood."
+
+"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said
+Frederick the Great. "How that rain would have fazed him if he had been!
+The human race would have been wiped out."
+
+"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the quarrel,
+and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte's shoulder. "When you
+come down to that, I was French--as French as one could be in those
+days--and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every one of 'em,
+my lineal descendants, and their hatred of rain was inherited directly
+from me, their ancestor."
+
+"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington, arching
+his eyebrows.
+
+"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after me.
+Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an essentially
+feminine trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry
+outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of
+hand-baggage. Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I think of it! She
+looked for all the world like an Englishman travelling on the Continent as
+she walked up the gang-plank behind the elephants, each elephant with a
+Gladstone bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail." Here the
+venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and the little quarrel
+which had been imminent passed off in a general laugh.
+
+"Where's Boswell? He ought to get that anecdote," said Johnson.
+
+"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes. "He's in charge of the
+log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about to
+happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work
+writing it up." Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand to
+his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking out his watch and
+glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes Shem will be in here to
+announce a discovery, and one of great importance, I judge, from the
+squeak."
+
+The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.
+
+"The squeak?" queried Raleigh.
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes. "The squeak is what I said, and as I always say
+what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I said."
+
+"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail to
+see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a discovery of
+importance."
+
+"It would not--to you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different. My
+hearing is unusually acute. I can hear the dropping of a pin through a
+stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates
+thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use
+of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully acute sense. A property
+which dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly apprehensive;
+therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to
+me there was. I heard Shem sliding down the mast a minute since. The fact
+that he slid down the mast instead of climbing down the rigging showed
+that he was in great haste, therefore he must have something to
+communicate of great importance."
+
+"Why isn't he here already, then? It wouldn't take him two minutes to get
+from the deck here," asked the ever-suspicious Le Coq.
+
+"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly. "If you will go yourself and
+slide down that mast you will see. Shem has stopped for a little
+witch-hazel to soothe his burns. It is no cool matter sliding down a mast
+two hundred feet in height."
+
+As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in.
+
+"A signal of distress, captain!" he cried.
+
+"From what quarter--to larboard?" asked Holmes.
+
+"No," returned Shem, breathless.
+
+"Then it must be dead ahead," said Holmes.
+
+"Why not to starboard?" asked Le Coq, dryly.
+
+"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so. If you had
+ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you would have known
+that interesting things, and particularly signals of distress, are never
+seen except to larboard or dead ahead."
+
+A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided.
+
+"The nature of the signal?" demanded Holmes.
+
+"A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!" cried Shem, "and
+on a rock-bound coast!"
+
+"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet and
+rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr.
+Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others.
+
+"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed the
+stairs.
+
+"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with
+intense enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my X-ray lantern and see if he's
+honest."
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded
+permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been introduced to this
+gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent to
+any proceeding so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have
+not met, nor do I permit them to address me."
+
+"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of my
+young friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all
+the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men
+without an introduction was included in the list, but I for one have no
+desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it's a
+horrid-looking man like this."
+
+Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladies
+fainted.
+
+"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that
+his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he found
+himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with falsehood on
+his lips, his courage began to ooze.
+
+"Not yet, please," answered the chair-lady. "I imagine we can get about
+this difficulty without much trouble."
+
+"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, rising.
+"If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a plan which will
+obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who is
+sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to
+us, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship's barber
+and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing for
+barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have
+not been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus
+I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with
+propriety introduce him to the rest of you."
+
+"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen
+Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much
+dissatisfied with the trim you gave him."
+
+"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, with
+a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had been
+sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman to you all
+with perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His grandfather was
+the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son Shem's
+great-grandnephew on his father's side. His relationship to me is
+therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he
+takes more after my husband's ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these
+ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my most
+famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been
+hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance,
+has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to
+know. Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece."
+
+The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors having
+thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
+
+"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under
+the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly
+with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering
+of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always
+felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of this nature.
+In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible impulse to
+make a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappy
+occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has
+alluded, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air
+tightened about my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked
+impromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost
+import surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no
+control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is
+therefore lost to the world."
+
+"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier.
+
+"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth.
+
+"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsome
+or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He fascinates me, but
+whether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can't tell, and
+it's quite important."
+
+"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the
+point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands, _fiances_, and
+other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenants
+of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may add
+highly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have noted of late
+years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day
+more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the
+universe--on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to be
+allowed to go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where, as you
+are no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almost
+wholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter
+himself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private
+lessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the
+extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem
+to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in a
+most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those of
+you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully aware. Now,
+actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish
+to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are
+based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have
+come to me and in so many words have said, 'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of
+Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like this
+constantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen all the life
+that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing
+them about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat,
+which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our
+beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life
+as they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only
+bring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words,
+ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying that
+even if they were tired of it all, they should make some personal
+sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, that
+they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might
+unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. 'We want them
+to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said they, 'and if we are along
+they may not feel so.' The answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted
+the commission."
+
+"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The subject was
+not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, _fiances_, or fathers. My
+brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--"
+
+Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said.
+
+"Well, that's  what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised to be
+a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word. That's the kind of a queen
+I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, turning to the captain,
+"that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan,
+and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great importance."
+
+"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walter
+intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The arrangements
+were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy.
+None of the ladies were to be informed of it."
+
+"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If you
+ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah--gentleman."
+
+Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he
+put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his
+willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA]
+
+"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra.
+
+"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as good as
+his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen of 'em, if
+need be."
+
+"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd,
+who first proposed this plan?"
+
+"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly, with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
+
+"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that would
+contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah! Your story is
+transparently false at the outset."
+
+"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He said a
+trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and health-giving."
+
+"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
+
+"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd.
+
+"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to the
+roots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my doubting your
+word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark, and in order to
+make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am now
+perfectly convinced that you are telling the truth. That last observation
+is just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever do,
+well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry time, that's all."
+
+"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added Portia,
+hesitatingly.
+
+"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted with
+Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the others
+the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because
+he was afraid he would not consent to it. 'Bassanio has a most beautiful
+wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter, 'and he wouldn't think of parting with
+her under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our intentions a secret
+from him.' I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the
+others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth,
+all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated
+from, and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as
+to their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere."
+
+A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
+cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the
+wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other hand,
+Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the
+pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that glowering
+face.
+
+"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he was
+willing to part with--ah--his sister."
+
+"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this way:
+Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added that he of
+course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by his own in
+parting from his sister--"
+
+"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein
+his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense
+enthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual qualities, that he
+referred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge
+as to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists between
+you."
+
+"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who,
+with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without.
+
+"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He's
+perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his
+size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without evaporating. If
+you will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already has
+vanished into thin air."
+
+"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on him
+he'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of his head."
+
+All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he had
+little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was rapidly
+dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was in
+imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of one
+possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of
+annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had
+stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his
+explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most influential
+ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a
+creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing more to fear.
+
+"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, "to
+accept from this time on the gentleman's word. The little that he has
+already told us is hall-marked with truth. I should like to ask, however,
+one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected to
+embark us upon this voyage without letting us into the secret?"
+
+"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he
+too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the incipient
+etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple enough. There was
+to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at the club, and when you
+were all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and start. The fact that
+you had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was telephoned by my
+scouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by
+messenger to Sir Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of
+fight between Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately
+replied, '_Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love to
+Elizabeth._' Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and
+walking to the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care. Make
+yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you
+have already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. With
+the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's _Paris_, which you will find in
+the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you
+resemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know what they want."
+
+With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in the
+arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too great.
+
+"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
+
+"Most attractive," said Elizabeth.
+
+"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy.
+
+"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she reflected
+upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I didn't believe
+him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had
+said, I was convinced."
+
+"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my favorite
+grandchildren."
+
+"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, starting up
+angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"
+
+Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have
+created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.
+
+"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?"
+
+"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, because
+while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one ear and
+looking forward into the middle of next week with the other--I mean the
+other eye--and I saw--"
+
+"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra.
+
+"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base
+caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff."
+
+"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
+
+"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which I
+must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his associates were endeavoring
+to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd's spirit anatomy
+by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd's
+training had not fitted him for an intellectual combat with superior
+women, and he suffered accordingly.
+
+[Illustration: KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED
+PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER]
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+
+"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily,"
+said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to narrate her story, "that I
+rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope
+she will spare a grandmother's feelings, if anything in the story she is
+about to tell is improper to be placed before the young. I have been so
+shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that have been
+published of late years, that I would interpose a protest while there is
+yet time if there is a line in Cassandra's story which ought to be
+withheld from the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity,
+and in the interests of morality everywhere."
+
+"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the
+prophetess. "What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure, even to
+the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration
+of man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little
+tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent study of New
+England character."
+
+"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said Mrs.
+Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon her gentle
+countenance. "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why
+modern literature generally has been so distressful to me. When you
+reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man's criminal instincts
+are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift
+the responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own, you will
+understand my position. We were about the most domestic old couple that
+ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of crimes that
+are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to
+realize what a pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been."
+
+"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all prepared
+to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced condition of
+wickedness to-day. Man has progressed since your time, my dear grandma,
+and the modern improvements in the science of crime are no more
+attributable to you than the invention of the telephone or the oyster
+cocktail is attributable to your lord and master."
+
+"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her knitting
+upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which she was making as a Christmas
+surprise for her husband.
+
+"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one very bad
+mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy which all men
+instinctively adopt when addressing women. When he entered the room he
+removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to convince
+me of the truth of his story, for with his hat removed I could see the
+workings of his mind. While you ladies were watching his lips or his eyes,
+some of you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of you
+hanging upon his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his
+imagination, and I saw, what you did not, _that he was drawing wholly upon
+that_!"
+
+"How extraordinary!" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Yes--and fortunate," said Cassandra. "Had I not done so, a week hence we
+should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging wickedness of the
+city of Paris."
+
+"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to the
+beautiful city by the Seine, "he told us we were going to Paris."
+
+[Illustration: "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"]
+
+"Of course he did," said Madame Recamier, "and in so many words. Certainly
+he was not drawing upon his imagination there."
+
+"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite de
+Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all. I fancy
+that I know enough about Paris to find my way about."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra. "What a foolish little thing you are! You
+don't imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, or even
+the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you? If you do you are
+very much mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of your danger and
+had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open with amazement at the
+change. You'd find your Louvre a very different sort of a place from what
+it used to be, my dear lady. Those pleasing little windows through which
+your relations were wont in olden times to indulge in target practice at
+people who didn't go to their church are now kept closed; the galleries
+which used to swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged,
+now swarm with pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the
+romance which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as
+yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would find
+yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious from other
+lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a minute, and
+traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which Mercury himself would
+stand aghast."
+
+"But my beloved Tuileries?" cried Marie Antoinette.
+
+"Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear," said
+Cassandra, gently. "Paris is no place for us, and it is the intention of
+these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and then desert us. Can
+you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious
+romantic past, basely deserted in the streets of a wholly strange,
+superficial, material city of to-day? What do you think, Elizabeth, would
+be your fate if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at an
+English door to-day, and when asked your name and profession were to
+reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of England'?"
+
+"Insane asylum," said Elizabeth, shortly.
+
+"Precisely. So in Paris with the rest of us," said Cassandra.
+
+"How do you know all this?" asked Trilby, still unconvinced.
+
+"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said Cassandra.
+"I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent
+detachable hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind into
+the future. I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient Troy,
+and if my revelations had been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not,
+still be doing business at the old stand, and Mr. AEneas would not have
+grown round-shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the
+opening night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by Virgil."
+
+"I never heard about that," said Trilby. "It sounds like a very funny
+story, though."
+
+"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said
+Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen. "The fact is, until you mentioned
+it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any
+portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of
+old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for stealing my thunder. I
+had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and said
+my eye to the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks couldn't get into
+Troy at all, even if they wanted to. And then the Greeks made a great
+wooden horse as a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze
+upon it I saw that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three
+artillery regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score. It was a sort of
+military Noah's Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so
+strong that nobody would believe what I told them. So I said nothing. My
+prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my warning
+as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non-fulfilment. But
+desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told him all about it, and
+he went out and announced it as his own private prophecy; and then, having
+tried to drown his conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the
+usual serpentine hallucination, and everybody said he wasn't sober, and
+therefore unworthy of belief. The horse was accepted, hauled into the
+city, and that night orders came from hindquarters to the regiments
+concealed inside to march. They marched, and next morning Troy had been
+removed from the map; ninety per cent. of the Trojans died suddenly, and
+AEneas, grabbing up his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went
+yachting for several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy. All of
+this could have been avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from
+my prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the result that
+to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy was, and we'll
+never tell."
+
+"It is all true," said Helen, proudly. "I was the woman who was at the
+bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told the truth,
+which is why she was always so unpopular. When anything that was
+unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn and say,
+sweetly, 'I told you so.' She was the original 'I told you so' nuisance,
+and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, because she never
+left them any sensation to spring upon the public. If she had only told a
+fib once in a while, the public would have had more confidence in her."
+
+"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen.
+"With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from taking my
+advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made
+his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with
+our being here than we had; they were as much surprised as we are to find
+us gone. Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and his object in
+taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits,
+vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and
+nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would have no
+sympathy for us in our misfortune, and no belief in our continued
+existence."
+
+"But what, then, shall we do?" cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in
+despair.
+
+"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it does
+seem as if our woman's instinct ought to show us some way out of our
+trouble."
+
+"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a
+chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster
+Newberg."
+
+"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my reticule,
+that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to renew my supply
+of poisons. I shall discharge her on my return home, for she knows that I
+never go anywhere without them; but that does not help matters at this
+juncture. The sad fact remains that I could prepare a thousand delicacies
+for these pirates without fatal results."
+
+"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe. "I could
+myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to a state of
+absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate."
+
+"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them,"
+suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle.
+
+"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. "We haven't time to waste on
+flippant suggestions. Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates,
+supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute the
+case."
+
+"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed
+Cleopatra. "If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be all
+right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to
+one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in our power,
+but they are not. They have gone through the refining process of
+dissolution once, and there's an end to that. Our only resource is in the
+line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, then we have ceased to
+be women."
+
+"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth. "And inasmuch as we have already
+provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the preparation of our
+plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible solution of
+the difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be
+requested to go at once into executive session, with orders not to come
+out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of campaign against
+our abductors. We must be rid of them. Let the Committee on Treachery say
+how."
+
+"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clear-headed young
+woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you."
+
+[Illustration: "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID
+MRS. NOAH"]
+
+The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair refused to
+entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and carried with a
+storm of approval.
+
+Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to
+Cleopatra, which read as follows:
+
+    "DEAR MADAME,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and
+    crew are hungry. Will you and your fair companions co-operate
+    with us in our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within
+    two hours? A speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a
+    coming storm, else we would prepare our supper ourselves. As it
+    is, we feel that your safety depends on our remaining on deck.
+    If there is any beer on the ice, we prefer it to tea. Two cases
+    will suffice.
+
+    "Yours respectfully,
+
+    "HENRY MORGAN, Bart., First Mate."
+
+"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have an
+idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full meeting at
+once."
+
+The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of operation,
+and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall have to wait for
+another chapter to learn.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+MAROONED
+
+
+When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, gazing
+intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful Shem had not
+deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly hewn pole set upon
+a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus Ward
+put it, "with the second joints reversed." It was in very truth a signal
+of distress.
+
+"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he peered
+through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there was an island
+of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain
+Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island that is."
+
+"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I didn't
+ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy. Therefore I--"
+
+"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I
+expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord
+Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I issue an order it must be
+obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and summon your
+marines. We may have work to do before night. Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on
+deck."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off.
+
+"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance at
+Blackstone.
+
+"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat.
+
+"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was I when
+I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate the full
+force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty."
+
+In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly found
+himself manacled and alone in the forecastle. Meanwhile Captain Cook, in
+response to the commander's order, repaired to the deck and scanned the
+distant coast.
+
+"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?"
+
+"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in the
+Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got out
+through the Strait of Gibraltar."
+
+"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson.
+
+"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please keep
+off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've been having a number
+of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me a lot of new points,
+which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the _Cimmerian Magazine_."
+
+"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes,
+angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I have
+brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to whistle up
+favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I brought you to give me
+information, and now when I ask for the name of a simple little island
+like that in plain sight there's not one of you able so much as to guess
+at it reasonably. The next man I ask for information goes into irons with
+Judge Blackstone if he doesn't answer me instantly with the information I
+want. Munchausen, what island is that?"
+
+"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the
+Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is? Why, you
+surprise me--"
+
+"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain
+question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time. Now
+it's irons or an answer. What island is that?"
+
+"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain," Munchausen
+responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty effort, "and it
+has never been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we'll call
+it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not stationary. It is a floating
+island of lava formation, and is a menace to every craft that goes to sea.
+I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is more barren than the
+desert of Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is
+devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh."
+
+"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him narrowly.
+
+"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now that
+he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander. There is a
+magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict real
+estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned substance that is
+lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship is wrecked, say, in the
+Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose metal upon her will succumb to
+the irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum, and will find
+its way to its shores. So in any other part of the earth. Everything
+metallic turns up here sooner or later; and when you consider that
+thousands of vessels go down every year, vessels which are provisioned
+with tinned foods only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of
+pounds of preserved salmon, sardines, _pate de foie gras_, peaches, and so
+on, can be found strewn along its coast."
+
+"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek, coupled
+with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for once you are
+standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I admire you
+for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth
+occasionally. You are a man after my own heart. Come below and have a
+cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the _Gehenna_ during my absence;
+head her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new
+let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen's remarkable genius I
+proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may release Blackstone
+from his dilemma; and if you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see
+that they are lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of
+the Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture."
+
+With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two worthies
+were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while Doctor
+Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the floating
+island.
+
+"De Foe," said Johnson, "that ought to be a lesson to you. This realism
+that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your conscience;
+but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as
+to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You or I might now be
+drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only risen to the opportunity
+the way Munchausen did."
+
+[Illustration: "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"]
+
+"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted that
+kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn than that of
+Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave
+it."
+
+"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh,
+anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can see old Henry
+Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and
+his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him,
+yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in sight."
+
+"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked Johnson.
+
+"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone crazy.
+He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity. We'll have to
+be careful in our parleyings with these people," said Raleigh.
+
+"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his lips in
+enjoyment of the cocktail.
+
+"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook.
+
+"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take a
+crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard. Take the three
+musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any back talk.
+If they try any funny business, exorcise them."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been
+lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore. As they
+came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the rough,
+rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.
+
+[Illustration: "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY
+HILL-SIDE"]
+
+"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to back
+water, lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and swamp her.
+
+"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic nature.
+There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125 degrees, and
+seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has lost his reason;
+Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can see through him. As for
+myself, I am growing iridescent with anxiety, and unless I get off this
+infernal furnace I'll disappear like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake,
+then, General, take us off, on your own terms. We'll accept anything."
+
+As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew collapsed
+and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta was proof
+enough of his condition. He had become as clear as crystal, and had it not
+been for his rugged outlines he would hardly have been visible even to his
+fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and
+it was patent that his fears for himself were all too well founded.
+
+Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning subsequently
+for the others, and repaired with them at once to the _Gehenna_, where
+they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock Holmes. The first question
+he asked was as to the whereabouts of the House-boat.
+
+"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at the
+wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning,
+in search of food. It appears that when--acting in a wholly inexcusable
+fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of revenge--I made off
+with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if it were well stocked
+with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to get supper we
+discovered that the larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives,
+two salted almonds, and a soda cracker--not a luxurious feast for
+sixty-nine pirates and a hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to."
+
+"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had provided
+enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of
+the members on their return from the fight."
+
+"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too--salads,
+salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get at home we
+had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I saw to that
+before I went up the river."
+
+"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of base
+treachery on the part of those women."
+
+"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet, dryly.
+
+"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper save the
+items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see it all now. We had
+tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable
+personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were
+ungrateful."
+
+"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates.
+
+"We didn't want them," said Kidd. "We didn't know they were on board until
+it was too late to turn back. They'd broken in, and were having the club
+all to themselves in your absence."
+
+"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next time
+you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be a trifle
+more careful as to whose property you confiscate."
+
+"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in
+Raleigh, impatiently.
+
+"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite
+request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on board,
+something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we
+decided to go ashore at the first port and provision. Unfortunately the
+crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan loomed into view, to
+keep them good-natured we decided to land and see if we could beg, borrow,
+or steal some supplies. We had to. Observations taken with the sextant
+showed that there was no port within five hundred miles; the island looked
+as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every
+man of us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first
+we didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after
+three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were
+shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins burst
+right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and
+began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself; and as for
+Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a nap in the sun, and
+when he waked up, his whole right side had evaporated. Then we saw what
+the trouble was. We'd struck this lava island, and were gradually
+succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed madly back to the harbor to
+embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your House-boat, was slowly but
+surely disappearing over the horizon, and flying from the flag-staff at
+the fore were signals of farewell, with an unfeeling P.S. below to this
+effect: '_Don't wait up for us. We may not be back until late._'"
+
+There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself, while
+Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.
+
+"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
+whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no doubt
+that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and I must say
+that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it was desirable to
+be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by them, and they would
+have enjoyed themselves."
+
+"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot navigate
+that ship."
+
+"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged from
+the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge. What kind of a
+seaman she is I don't know."
+
+"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran us
+ashore on Ararat."
+
+"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen.
+
+"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want your
+yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead loss there,
+whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could have
+waited a month and landed on the seaboard."
+
+"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested Munchausen.
+
+"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has merely
+begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the question to be
+answered is--where?"
+
+"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd
+better look for her in the Himalayas."
+
+"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes.
+
+"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson.
+
+"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh.
+
+"Then elect him," suggested Ward.
+
+"What on earth for?" growled Johnson.
+
+"So that we can expel him," said Ward.
+
+And while Boswell's hero was trying to get the value of this notion
+through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and the _Gehenna_ was
+soon under way once more. Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put
+in irons and stowed away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in
+which Shylock lay in hiding.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+If there was anxiety on board of the _Gehenna_ as to the condition and
+whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness upon
+that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and her
+abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, having worked
+thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of perplexities
+bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted them. The sole
+representative of a sea-faring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did
+not require much time to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of an
+extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating.
+
+When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes Island,
+and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who had hitherto
+been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red in the face and to
+bustle about in a manner which betrayed considerable perturbation of
+spirit.
+
+"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-room
+window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast is clear,
+and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the vessel in your
+hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are in command. What do
+you wish us to do?"
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and starting for
+the deck. "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing to do is to get
+her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered whether this boat is a
+steamboat or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody know?"
+
+"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth, "although
+I don't know. It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me they'd had a
+naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the House-boat
+was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back at enormous
+expense. They put it in so that if she were carried away again she could
+get back of her own power."
+
+"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything about
+these new fangled notions. If there's any one here who knows anything
+about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak."
+
+"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory of it
+in a short while."
+
+"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you
+engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance. Set
+her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written order
+signed by me. We might as well be very careful, and have everything done
+properly, and it might happen that in the excitement of our trip you would
+misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error. Therefore, pay no
+attention to unwritten orders. That will do for you for the present.
+Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies,
+and, every morning before breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra,
+Tuesdays you will devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and
+the balance of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac.
+Dido, you always were strong at building fires. I'll make you chief
+stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen. Inasmuch as
+the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the usual line of
+poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's hands the
+responsibilities of the culinary department."
+
+"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I must
+confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a ship. A
+ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be. We
+didn't appoint you housekeeper."
+
+"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words. If I
+hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a reference;
+and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate
+insubordination. You may, all of you, have one night of the week and
+alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done. The regimen I am
+adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I didn't have the
+help I have now, and things got into very bad shape. We were out forty
+days, and, while the food was poor and the service execrable, we never
+lost a life."
+
+[Illustration: "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH
+ANY WORDS'"]
+
+The boat gave a slight tremor.
+
+"Hurrah," cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are off!"
+
+"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah, putting
+her shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first
+mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here before I return. Have the
+windows washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken up and
+shaken."
+
+Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks, had
+finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the engine
+going, and the wheel began to revolve.
+
+"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below.
+
+"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling up
+the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead very
+fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we were on a
+pivot."
+
+"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the side
+of the House-boat anxiously. "She certainly acts that way--like a
+merry-go-round."
+
+"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to hurry
+and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall be as
+badly off as ever."
+
+"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to
+the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied us fast."
+
+"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan, and
+have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can untie it."
+
+Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.
+
+"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!"
+
+"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like that on
+the Ark."
+
+Portia explained the science of the anchor.
+
+"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah. "How can we get away from it?"
+
+"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and have
+it pulled up."
+
+"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs. Noah,
+indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear Portia, is
+not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the rope with her
+scissors."
+
+"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth, who
+had been investigating. "It would be more to the purpose, I think, to chop
+it in two with an axe."
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is done as
+long as it is done quickly. It would never do for us to be recaptured
+now."
+
+The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself cut the
+hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe.
+
+"You _are_ an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra.
+
+"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over my
+head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't help
+familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities."
+
+"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel
+easier. It looks now as if we were really off."
+
+"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we are
+going backward."
+
+"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark half
+the time. It doesn't make any difference which way we are going as long as
+we go, does it?"
+
+"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking of?
+People who walk backward are in great danger of running into other people.
+Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a very dangerous piece
+of business, sailing backward."
+
+"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra. During
+the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward. It didn't
+make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe one way as
+another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main object now is to
+get away from the pirates, and that's what we are doing. Don't get
+emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge. If I think the
+boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go. If you don't like it, it
+is still not too late to put you ashore."
+
+The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all went
+well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller revolving reverse
+fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth had said, backing her
+way through the ocean.
+
+The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned pirates
+faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense fog.
+
+"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe, looking
+anxiously out of the port.
+
+"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly. "I'm sorry for those who have to
+be out in it."
+
+"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe. "It's going to be
+very hard on us keeping watch."
+
+"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her glasses
+at Xanthippe.
+
+"Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?" said
+Elizabeth.
+
+"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. "Perfectly absurd. We never did it on the
+Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want you all to go to bed at ten
+o'clock. I don't think the night air is good for you. Besides, it isn't
+proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she's new or not."
+
+"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become of the
+ship?"
+
+"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or not,"
+said the commander. "The Ark did, why not this? Now, girls, these
+new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense. It's night, and there's a
+fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us. If there were a hundred of you
+upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn't see anything. You might much
+better be in bed. As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I command
+you to stay below."
+
+"But--who is to steer?" queried Xanthippe.
+
+"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?" demanded
+Mrs. Noah. "I certainly don't intend to bother with that tiller until some
+reason for doing it arises. We haven't any place to steer to yet; we don't
+know where we are going. Now, my dear children, be reasonable, and don't
+worry me. I've had a very hard day of it, and I feel my responsibilities
+keenly. Just let me manage, and we'll come out all right. I've had more
+experience than any of you, and if--"
+
+A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks. The House-boat
+shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted and
+stood still. A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a hundred
+and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the deck, gazing
+with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by
+broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the stern-posts of the
+House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the sea.
+
+[Illustration: "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"]
+
+It was the _Gehenna_!
+
+The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, thanks to
+the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the floating club-house
+had withstood the shock of the impact and now rode the waters as
+gracefully as ever.
+
+Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in a
+short while chairs and life-preservers and tables--everything that could
+float--had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals therein.
+On board the _Gehenna_, those who had not cast themselves into the waters,
+under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly lowered the
+boats, and in a short while were not only able to felicitate themselves
+upon their safety, but had likewise the good fortune to rescue their more
+impetuous brethren who had preferred to swim for it. Ultimately, all were
+brought aboard the House-boat in safety, and the men in Hades were once
+more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and _fiancees_, and
+Elizabeth had the satisfaction of once more saving the life of Raleigh by
+throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so previously, when she
+and her brother had been upset in the swift current of the river Styx.
+
+Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House-boat
+and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth. The _Gehenna_
+went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the roll was called
+it was found that all who had set out upon her had returned in safety save
+Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not
+lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were found early one
+morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the
+top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for help.
+
+And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House-boat.
+Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more resumed,
+but with one slight difference.
+
+The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves of the
+privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of being men and
+to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even Xanthippe and
+Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their differences, and no
+longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled to wear the toga of
+authority. It has become for them a divided skirt.
+
+As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the effects of
+their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and are but shadows
+of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes has so endeared
+himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as popular with them as
+he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark river and be subjected to
+the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership at the House-boat on the Styx.
+
+Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+
+
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