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diff --git a/16097.txt b/16097.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..458c1e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/16097.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4189 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John +Kendrick Bangs, Illustrated by Peter Newell + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat + Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades, under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq. + + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + + + +Release Date: July 13, 2005 [eBook #16097] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT*** + + +E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 16097-h.htm or 16097-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/0/9/16097/16097-h/16097-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/0/9/16097/16097-h.zip) + + + + + +THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT + +Being Some Further Account of the Divers Doings of the Associated Shades, +under the Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq. + +by + +JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + +Illustrated By Peter Newell + +New York and London +Harper & Brothers +Publishers + +1897 + + + + + + + +TO + +A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ. + +WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF +HIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER + + I. THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION + + II. THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF + + III. THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED + + IV. ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT + + V. A CONFERENCE ON DECK + + VI. A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS + + VII. THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED + + VIII. ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA." + + IX. CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE + + X. A WARNING ACCEPTED + + XI. MAROONED + + XII. THE ESCAPE AND THE END + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'" + + "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'" + + "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD" + + "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS" + + "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN" + + A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE + + MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN + + "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH" + + "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD" + + "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN' + PAYABLE IN LONDON'" + + QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER + + "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'" + + "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'" + + "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK" + + JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP + + SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT + + CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA + + KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS + ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER + + "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'" + + "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH" + + "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'" + + "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE" + + "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS'" + + "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR" + + + + +THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT + + + + +I + +THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION + + +The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River +Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its moorings +and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, +aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like +a thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that the +Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with +self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating +club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of +circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair +Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and +beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered +desolate. + +"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed +grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank +of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been +moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome, +Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem gone, +vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the universe! +Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--" + +"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's +the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschew +that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when that +cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say +the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, and +voluntarily at that." + +"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight. +It reminded me in some respects of the Ark." + +"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted +Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; I +can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe +always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the +finger." + +"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar, firmly, "therefore we +are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir +Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and do +nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?" + +"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All +things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine +going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart." + +"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something +if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, what +shall be done first?" + +"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the +matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was +this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for +immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various +favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being +Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were +licensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the local +government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party. + +"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Then +the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not. +Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be +captured at once and made an example of." + +"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in +Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have a +beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to +the ear of a purist." + +"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter. +"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even part +his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater +moment in hand." + +"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. I'm +dry as a fish." + +"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish I'd like +to know is dry?" + +"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the +expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and more +melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined. + +"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now the +point is, what?" + +"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr. +Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to +relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa; +Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have +North America; and--" + +"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr. +Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of ours +and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?" + +"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor. + +"Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the +pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?" +persisted the philosopher. + +"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, irritably. + +"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in +asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in Central +Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it +through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is the +work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to +look for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is in ransacking +the earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour the +sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd +has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for a +roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other +purpose for which neither he nor it was designed." + +"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting +upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evident +interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and excessively +slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put it +afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the honor of being a member +of this association," the stranger continued, "but, like all well-ordered +shades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at +the disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish +our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully +appropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplate +removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All the +evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my +sole reason for doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a +seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but a +boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well +says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but +upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world's great +cities." + +[Illustration: "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT IS WELL TAKEN'"] + +"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by the +stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all that he +had said. + +"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the +purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, for what +port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat within reach?" +returned the stranger. + +"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the chairman. + +"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the House +Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat itself. They +were kept in the safe in the hold." + +A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger. + +"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan that +we should know about how fast the House-boat was." + +"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll take +Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat." + +"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger, +quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it." + +"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes upon +Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of assistance in +settling that point." + +"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?" +asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir Walter. "We aren't +preparing for a yacht-race that I know of. Nobody's after a cup, or a +championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. The +Captain hasn't taken more than half of mine along with him, but I am +interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am +somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthly +use there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat. It +strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we +should suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger." + +[Illustration: "'WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?'"] + +"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly, +"but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest me." + +"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That ought +to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are." + +"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water agrees +with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, however, is that our +unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are +confronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive +fashion. I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and that +the privileges of the--ah--of the wharf be extended indefinitely to our +friend on the string-piece." + +The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger +resumed. + +"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom +I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of three hundred +wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before starting in +pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the +purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that we +should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to +overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the House-boat can sail +four knots an hour, to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or other +nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour." + +"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar. + +"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your +late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon. "Now +if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very soon +determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorable +circumstances." + +"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," said +Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed +to require. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take the +liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer +of the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and +Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement." + +"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir +Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to admit that +practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with +modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward +and back in six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover +the same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion +steamers into the bargain." + +"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a flying +balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until +every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you on +every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and +your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing distance of her five minutes +after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a +gale." + +"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. "If +these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the subject that +is agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them +confined in the bottomless pit." + +"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying to +assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as the Ark +was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren's--tub, +which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursion +boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub--" + +"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher. + +"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch or +any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a month," continued Noah, +ignoring the interruption. + +"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher. + +"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit," +retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time." + +"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning to +the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the issue +between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument--I wish to +ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in our +trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish your course in case +a boat were provided?" + +"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock. + +A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark. + +"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly, +addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche." + +"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing by +that act a select assortment of diamond rings. + +"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd has +gone to London." + +"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?" + +"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a cigar. + +"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play this is!" + +"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; it is +fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd +just before he stepped on board the House-boat." + +"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of the +assertion, what does it prove?" + +"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as follows. + + + + +II + +THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF + + +"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, as +the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself. "From +my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked ends +of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an +old clay pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of my +acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even +including these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my +mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your +minds would never become manifest through their agency." + +The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compact +mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were beginning to feel an +unusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come among them +unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for +an instant to listen. + +"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub of +a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your mind?" + +"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this one, for +instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the whole +story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter +disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in his +usual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas." + +"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the part +of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger. + +"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The marks of +two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you look closely," +said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, "make +that point evident beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eye-tooth in +one of his later raids; it was knocked out by a marline-spike which had +been hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasure-ship he and his +followers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed. +The cigar end bears the marks of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus, +which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth +between them. It is not likely that there was another man in the pirate's +crew with teeth exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be +no doubt that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself." + +"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and +fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any +properly constituted law court this evidence would long since have been +ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or three hundred +dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for +the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the +floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on 'Cigar Ends +He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what earthly +interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by Captain +Kidd?" + +"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereabouts +of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by trifles, seeming +trifles, that the greatest detective work is done. My friends Le Coq, +Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however much +in other respects our methods may have differed. They left no stone +unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling, +uncared for. No more should we in the present instance overlook the +minutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it +may appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven in +the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat +conspicuously, but which I have never made public, because it involves a +secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in the +British Empire. I really believe that mystery was solved easily and at +once because I happened to remember that the number of my watch was +86507B. How trivial a thing, and yet how important it was, as the event +transpired, you will realize when I tell you the incident." + +The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous and +simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up closer, so as +the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor old +Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell with a loud splash into the Styx. +Fortunately, however, one of Charon's pleasure-boats was close at hand, +and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it, +wrung out, and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversion +having subsided, Solomon asked: + +"What was the incident of the lost tiara?" + +[Illustration: "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"] + +"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be +understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I say, +the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In life--in the +mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say +it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most interesting for purely +literary purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary to +go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to advertise +his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a drum-major and hide +under a kitchen-table for the purpose of solving a mystery involving the +abduction of a parlor stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By +mental concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment +of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very +reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real detective +work into that line of the business with which the stage has familiarized +the most of us--a line in which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellow +wig is required of him who pursues it." + +"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw. + +"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned +Hawkshaw, contemptuously. + +"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le Coq, +knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly have +discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no +avail, and merely a useless expense." + +"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman proceed, +with all this conversation going on in the rear?" + +Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on. + +"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara," +resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly insignificant +details alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in that +instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one +evening in the early spring of 1894. The London season was at its height. +Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full blast, +when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A +diamond tiara valued at L50,000 sterling had been stolen from the Duchess +of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself and every +individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince +himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known to +be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven o'clock at +night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. I had been +spending the evening alone in my library making notes for a second volume +of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on the point of +going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of my +servants, hastily entering, informed me of the robbery. I changed my mind +in respect to my midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for I +knew that before one o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings +with reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of +such magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants +could fly--" + +"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged +elephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their +probabilities deep into--" + +"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown. + +"Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam. + +"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson. + +"Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great +honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because they +could make so much more of it in a given time." + +Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these +antediluvians," he said. + +"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are +inexcusable!" + +"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm having +about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it were a +serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop; +but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and for +all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes to +warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve months." + +"Go on! go on!" cried some. + +"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of course. + +"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that within an +hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my hands. It +would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to say, either the +person robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the +diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of self-preservation, +would endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he should +have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion of +the probabilities inclined me to believe that the latter would be the +case. I reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank. +She cannot move rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is +probable that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by +which she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first +place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed. He +must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of her residence, +who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will issue the +orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally address +themselves to me. 'I'll give that side two weeks,' I said. On the other +hand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of +security by counting on this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of +occasionally entering upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own +volition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime +that has never been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and +I pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive. +The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace. +'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It is +now twelve twenty. He should be here by twelve forty-five. I will wait.' +And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the +meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had I +perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I rose with a smile, +for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there stood, +much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was missing. It +was the Duke of Brokedale himself. It is true he was disguised. His beard +was powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of +green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which +is an unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began: + +"'You are Mr.--' + +"'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your stolen +watch. It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses five +minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not bear any +inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your son +Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.'" + +"Wonderful!" cried Johnson. + +"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. "Such +penetration strikes me as marvellous." + +"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said was +intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease. The Americans +present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. I +merely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by +letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise. Imagine my surprise, +however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with +such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his beard +was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting down in the chair I had just +vacated, he quietly remarked: + +"'You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know that I had lost my +watch?' + +"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely +staggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost his +watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take my +words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising. +However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his humor. +'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of my business. It is the +detective's place to know everything; and generally, if he reveals the +machinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions, he is a fool, +since his method is his secret, and his secret his stock in trade. I do +not mind telling you, however, that I knew your watch was stolen by your +anxious glance at my clock, which showed that you wished to know the time. +Now most rich Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no +hesitation about showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at +it, not at my clock.' + +"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a +wonderful man. + +"'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added. + +"'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren't +good enough for American babies to chew on,' said I. 'They must have gold +watches or nothing.' + +"'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked. + +"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the +height of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end there, +and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara. To my +surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort. + +"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is Bunker. I +_am_ stopping at the Savoy. I _am_ an American. I _was_ rich when I +arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now that +I have paid my first week's bill. I _have_ lost my watch; such a watch, +too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your only mistake was that the +dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot +but wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that +it sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart. The watch has +no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that I +want it back, and I will pay L200 for its recovery. I have no clew as to +who took it. It was numbered--' + +"Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch I had +merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at a raffle. +My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on the +instant divine. No one would like to suspect him of having purloined his +wife's tiara. Why should I not deceive him, and at the same time get rid +of my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a hundredfold?" + +"Good business!" cried Shylock. + +The stranger smiled and bowed. + +"Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It was +numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own watch. + +"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow more +marvellous at every step. That was indeed the number. Are you a demon?' + +"'No,' I replied. 'Only something of a mind-reader.' + +"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a watch that +I knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive L200 if I found it. It seemed to +him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view, +feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch, it could +not be recovered, and little suspecting that two could play at his little +game of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist a +ten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This business +concluded, he started to go. + +"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, with +all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the expense. 'It +is a stormy night.' + +"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my +table--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on. + +"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy would +reveal the true state of affairs. The mere mention of the word hat brought +about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew +ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He then +nervously removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark running about his +forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat fitted +too tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline of +nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex of the uppermost +extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that could +have been made only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved! +The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me." + +A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, and +even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of such +genius. + +"My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was completely at +my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it concealed in the lining of +his hat. I rose and locked the door. My visitor sank with a groan into my +chair. + +"'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the lock. + +"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, my +lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat. I know +who you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale has +lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch. +Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is a +Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of it +all is,' I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of +loaded six-shooters out of my escritoire--'the queer part of it all is +that I have the watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Hand +over the bauble, please.' + +"'But--' he began. + +"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you the +watch, and you needn't mind the L200; and you must give me the tiara, or +I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search made of your +hat. It won't pay you to defy me. Give it up.' + +"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara, +snugly stowed away behind the head-band. + +"'You are a great fellow.' said I, as I held the tiara up to the light and +watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems. + +"'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned. 'I was driven to it by +necessity.' + +"'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. I'm +not going to keep this thing. I'm not married, and so have no use for such +a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retains +me to find it, and then I'll find it and get the reward. If you keep +perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a fashion that you'll never be +suspected. If, on the other hand, you say a word about to-night's events, +I'll hand you over to the police.' + +"'Humph!' he said. 'You couldn't prove a case against me.' + +"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't believe +it, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs. + +"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than to +come here. I thought you were only a literary success.' And with a +deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I was +retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I +found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the L5000 +reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and +afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was +driven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and the +following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the best +wishes of the season. + +"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental +concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of the +pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamond +mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to my +mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my conclusions." + +"Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm. + +"Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf. + +The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth a +bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator tosses +playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was found +printed the words: + + --------------------------- + | SHERLOCK HOLMES, | + | DETECTIVE. | + | | + | FERRETING DONE HERE. | + | | + | _Plots for Sale._ | + --------------------------- + +"I think he made a mistake in not taking the L200 for the watch. Such +carelessness destroys my confidence in him," said Shylock, who was the +first to recover from the surprise of the revelation. + +[Illustration: "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"] + + + + +III + +THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED + + +"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers, +led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled spirits, "after +this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly necessary for me to +assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything you may venture to +suggest. There is still manifest, however, some desire on the part of the +ever-wise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you deduce that +Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you hold in your +hand." + +[Illustration: "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN"] + +"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes, genially. "I +believe I have already proven that it is the end of Kidd's cigar. The +marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe how closely it is +smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his +teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly have risked the edges of his mustache +and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very light if +he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances have smoked it +that far unless he were passionately addicted to this particular brand of +the weed. Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it +was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he +has gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand-rolled +Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a real +popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that is at +London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of a London hotel. +If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I should have been able +definitely to locate the hotel itself. The wrappers unroll to a degree +that varies perceptibly as between the different hotels. The Metropole +cigar can be smoked a quarter through before its wrapper gives way; the +Grand wrapper goes as soon as you light the cigar; whereas the Savoy, +fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the +others, and, as a consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most +people are willing to throw the whole thing away." + +"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon. + +"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at all. +Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make you a box." + +"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon. "Your logic is +perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible conclusion that +Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of these hotels." + +"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the +neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a sneer +on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence of +his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so +wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think of how much more +refined his profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique +he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his +modern prototypes, he will leave his account unpaid, with the result that +the affair will be put in the hands of the police, under which +circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the famous police +headquarters will be the safest hiding-place he can find, as was instanced +by the remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain +church-warden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed +the Penstock Imperial Bank of L1,000,000 in bonds, and, fleeing to London, +actually joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to +find himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been +found had he not crossed my path." + +Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane +words under his breath. + +"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le Coq. +"You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day through all +eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that." + +"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective. "I +shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this +visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club +members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth, +we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes." + +"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery," said +Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back against +one of the spiles of the wharf. + +"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the House-boat is getting +farther away." + +"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still nursing +his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his reflections upon the +speed of the Ark. + +"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste slowly; and +on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and +Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a week, and if +we charter the _Flying Dutchman_ to go in pursuit of her we can catch her +before she gets out of the Styx into the Atlantic." + +"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission," suggested +Munchausen, dryly. "I for one would rather take a state-room in Jonah's +whale than go aboard the _Flying Dutchman_ again. I made one trip on the +_Dutchman_, and she's worse than a dory for comfort; furthermore, I don't +see what good it would do us to charter a boat that can't land oftener +than once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the +Cape of Good Hope." + +"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But Baron +Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room aboard of +her. She doesn't carry second-class passengers. And if I took any stock in +the idea of a trip on the _Flying Dutchman_ amounting to a seven years' +exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses for a round trip." + +"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes. "This is a +moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and +personal preferences for immediate action. I have examined the wake of the +House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a better +term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat was making ten +knots a day. Almost any craft we can find suitably manned ought to be able +to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what +boats he has at hand, it would be for the good of all concerned." + +"That's a good plan," said Johnson. "Boswell, see if you can find Charon." + +"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats +have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The _Mayflower_ went into dry +dock last week to be calked up; the _Pinta_ and the _Santa Maria_ are slow +and cranky; the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimac_ I haven't really had time to +patch up; and the _Valkyrie_ is two months overdue. I cannot make up my +mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I +really don't know what I can lend you. Any of these boats I have named you +could have had for nothing; but my others are actively employed, and I +couldn't let them go without a serious interference with my business." + +The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore. +It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense the club was +about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it for +him, he was sincerely sorry for them. + +"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing, but the +others I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give you a +discount." + +And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should be +an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent. + +"The _Flying Dutchman_," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes. +She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd catch up with +the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and disappear +like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do--with all respect to +Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as any other waterlogged +cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate for elephants and kangaroos, +but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn't make a ripple high +enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed. Furthermore, she's +got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by running +afoul of--Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went +cruising with that menagerie of his." + +"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This man talks +like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but +simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the +truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say +this in defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my day." + +"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!" sneered Wren, +perceiving a chance to get even. + +"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was a +centreboard, and that's where you kept the board." + +"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants," +retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the elephant shuffling one of his +fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day +for forty days in one of your boats, and see where your boat would be." + +"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't patronize my line. +All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he +reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and swung +himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what you want, unless you are +going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If that's your intention, I'd +charter her; the accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that +kind." + +"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. "You've +told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we can do." + +"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue themselves. +That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em over here, and I +think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em close, and it's my private +opinion that before many days you'll see your club-house sailing back +here, with Queen Elizabeth at the hellum, and the other ladies on the +for'ard deck knittin' and crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in +a conversational way, as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd +and his pirate crew." + +"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising. "Whether the +relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set going. +The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they +were capable of rescuing themselves. It is an accepted principle of law +that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we've got +enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the +ranks. We must have a boat." + +"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon. + +"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet. + +"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of my +wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece for their +recovery." + +"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em on board, +together with eighty of his fiancees. What's the quotation on fiancees, +King Solomon?" + +"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their fathers' +business to get 'em back. Not mine." + +Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody +save Shylock had put his name down for something. This some one of the +more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless +disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call: +"Shylock! Shylock! How much?" + +The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked. + +"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?" + +"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a bottle +aloft. "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr. +Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago +on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper, +and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more substantial than +even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes." + +[Illustration: A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE] + +A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a +cork-screw from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted the paper, +and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the missing +vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read, +aloud: + +"Have just emerged into the Atlantic. Club in hands of Kidd and forty +ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board. Headed for the +Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in the +billiard-room. (Signed) Portia." + +"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory is." + +"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about seafaring, but +Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first +tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions." + +The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for +Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined. + +"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, "but +with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus!" and with that +he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows +of the wood. + +And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely +twin-screw steamer the _Gehenna_ was chartered of Charon, and put under +the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the company +for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, observing in strictest +confidence to himself that he had done well to prepare that bottle +beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it. + +"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again free of +cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me there or not. I +never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height of my +popularity." + + + + +IV + +ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT + + +Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all. Once +having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of +ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind if +they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his +men not done it for them. + +"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all +this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, which +missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is not +right." + +"No," said Portia. "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm going +to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he doesn't give in +to me, I'll reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock _versus_ +Antonio." + +"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for I +swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of injustice +ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs. +Caesar's card-parties, that he regarded that as the biggest joke he ever +wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony that the decision wouldn't +have held in any court of equity outside of Venice. If you owe a man a +thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them, that's your +affair, not his. If it cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay +the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the +world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a +woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities." + +"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," shuddered +Elizabeth. + +"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away with +a raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra. "I'm half sorry it didn't go on, +and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than compelling Brutus to +fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver _en brochette_, as is +done in that Julius Caesar play." + +"Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia. + +"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it, +you'd never have been known. What was that?" + +The boat had given a slight lurch. + +"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the Egyptian +Queen. + +"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit," +returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state of +development, she had become a martyr to her nerves. + +"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I fancy," +said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the way that old fellow allows +these modern innovations to be brought in here! As if the old paddle-boats +he used to carry shades in weren't good enough for the immigrants of this +age! Really this Styx River is losing a great deal of its charm. Sir +Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last summer, by the +waves kicked up by one of Charon's excursion steamers going up the river +with a party of picnickers from the city--the Greater Gehenna Chowder +Club, I believe it was--on board of her. One might just as well live in +the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet +here in the suburbs in these days. Charon isn't content to get rich +slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all +the comfort of everybody living on this river. Anybody'd think he was an +American, the way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same way. The +Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers." + +"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by the +introduction of American ideas--it is getting by far too democratic for my +tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that the best people will +stop coming here. Take Madame Recamier's salon as it is now and compare it +with what it used to be! In the early days, after her arrival here, +everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you'd be sure of +meeting the intellectually elect. On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on +the other, Cicero; across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with +some such person as myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte, +were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like +Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto. You couldn't move +without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. The +money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the result +that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place +last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for dinners. Let me see, +I think I have it with me; I've kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is +such a complete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in this +locality. Ah! this is it," she added, taking a small bit of paste-board +from her card-case. "Read that." + +The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished--and +naturally so, for it ran this wise: + + -------------------------------------------------- + | NOTICE TO HOSTESSES. | + | | + | Owing to the very great, constantly growing, | + | and at times vexatious demands upon his time | + | socially, | + | | + | HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART | + | | + | takes this method of announcing to his | + | friends that on and after January 1, 1897, | + | his terms for functions will be as follows: | + | | + | Marks. | + | Dinners with conversation on the | + | Theory of Music ................. 500 | + | Dinners with conversation on the | + | Theory of Music, illustrated .... 750 | + | Dinners without any conversation .. 300 | + | Receptions, public, with music .... 1000 | + | " private, " ...... 750 | + | Encores (single) .................. 100 | + | Three encores for ................. 150 | + | Autographs ........................ 10 | + | | + | Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock | + | Teas or Morning Musicales considered. | + -------------------------------------------------- + +"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that +extraordinary? He's got the three-name craze, too!" + +"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra. "But it's fairer than Artemus +Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge you; but with +Ward it's different. He comes, and afterwards sends a bill for his fun. +Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement' from him showing a +charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for humorous remarks made to my +guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor of Balzac, and, +worst of all, he had marked it 'Please remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote +a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't let me have it until he had heard whether +or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the _Gossip_. With Rubens +giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias doing 'Five-minute Masterpieces in +Putty' for suburban lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines +turning their genius to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's +impossible to have a salon now." + +"You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly. "Those were palmy +days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade. I shall +never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time +were--ah--were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of +lights and supper. Now the only people who will come for nothing are those +we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready, but you +can't run a salon on Boswell." + +"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the +functions altogether, because I have always found them most delightful. It +is still possible to have lights and supper." + +"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, "but I suppose I +shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt it. +The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea worthy of an +American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to give it up entirely, +which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An incorporated salon, however, +would be a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the salon. +'The Recamier Salon (Limited)' would be a most excellent title, and, +suitably capitalized, would enable us to pay our lions sufficiently. +Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions. It's as much as I +can afford to pay for a dinner, without running up an expense account for +guests; and unless we get up a salon trust, as it were, the whole affair +must go to the wall." + +[Illustration: MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN] + +"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia. "I can't see where your +dividends would come from." + +"That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier. "We could put up a large +reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a series of +nights--say one a week throughout the season. These would be Warriors' +Night, Story-tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish Night under the +charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on. It would be understood that on these +particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines would be +present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on +payment of a certain sum of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this +country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well, as I +think I do, they'll pay readily for the privilege. The obscure love to rub +up against the famous here as well as they do on earth." + +"You'd run a sort of Social Zoo?" suggested Elizabeth. + +"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An +advertisement in Boswell's paper, which everybody buys--" + +"And which nobody reads," said Portia. + +"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Recamier. "As I was +saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as follows: +'Are you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at the +Recamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply magnificent as a business +enterprise. The common herd would be tickled to death if they could get +great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them." + +"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs +gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, 'The supper was +furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier Salon (Limited)'?" +suggested Elizabeth, scornfully. + +"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an unpleasant +possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if we want to +preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they +have a commercial value, and they are availing themselves of the demand." + +"It is a sad age!" sighed Elizabeth. + +"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe: "You people +who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on yourselves. +You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a +moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance. +His wife told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The +rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making +after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his +pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful +expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she +could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that +he couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid he +would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for refusing." + +"Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter. + +"So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe. "Though +Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out +too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of +Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thursday Night Club, merely +to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had +sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply run it into the +ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to +fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is expected to +be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are +getting tired of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too +much of it upon them." + +"They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier. "A genius likes nothing +better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling +on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble +brow." + +"True," said Xanthippe. "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a +mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the +market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to +weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a +man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding instead of +permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm." + +"That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia. + +"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe. "No man ever gave me +my ideas." + +As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room. + +"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. "The boat has broken loose from +her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we don't hurry up and do +something, we'll drift out to sea!" + +"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the +stairs. "I was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was the wash +from one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth." + +"I thought it was," said Elizabeth, following closely after. + +"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia. "Calpurnia just looked out of +the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream." + +The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend, +Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to the +upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain Kidd were +thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the +gathering gloom. "Pipe my eye for a sardine if we haven't captured a +female seminary!" he cried. + +[Illustration: "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH"] + +And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-room, +while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and retreated into +the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to "what +next." + + + + +V + +A CONFERENCE ON DECK + + +"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in +perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the capstan to +discuss the situation. "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed +athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low-down ruffians +like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the water's +edge with advanced women--I've half a mind to turn back." + +[Illustration: "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD"] + +"If you do, you swim--we'll not turn back with you," retorted Abeuchapeta, +whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of the +House-boat. "I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not +embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out +for business. If you had thirty thousand women on board, still should I +not turn back." + +"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd. "Where can we go without +attracting attention? Who's going to feed 'em? Who's going to dress 'em? +Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets? You don't know anything about these +creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, can't we arbitrate that +name of yours? It would be fearful to remember in the excitement of a +fight." + +"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer, +for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta's preferral. + +"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit," +retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily. + +"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing +angrily to his feet, "I'll have your life!" + +"Gentlemen! Gentlemen--my noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd. "Come, come; +this will never do! I must have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no +time for divisions in our councils. An entirely unexpected element has +entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no +light matter--" + +"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I do +not agree. We've got our ship and we've got our crew, and in addition we +find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as +ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work. +There is plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a +very hard fight, and come out of the melee somewhat the worse for wear, it +will be a blessing to have 'em along to mend our togas, sew buttons on our +uniforms, and darn our hosiery." + +Morgan laughed sarcastically. "When did you flourish, if ever, colonel?" +he asked. + +"Do you refer to me?" queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown. + +"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily. "I have quite +forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?" + +"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further +outbreak of hostilities--"Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas +in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his +piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is +without parallel off the comic-opera stage. He never went forth without at +least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels." + +Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly. + +"Six-ninety-eight was my great year," he said. + +"That's what I thought," said Morgan. "That is to say, you got your ideas +of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat +since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I have +no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes +to 'feminology' you are sailing in unknown waters. The study of women, my +dear Abeuchadnezzar--" + +"Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably. + +"I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan, with +a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate did not +see, else there would have been an open break--"the study of women is more +difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all +women are unique. Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your +day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our day--in +fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to say that no +individual woman is alike." + +"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a +puzzled sort of way. + +"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said +Morgan. "What is it the poet called her?--'an infinite variety show,' or +something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville--a continuous performance, +as it were, from twelve to twelve." + +"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily +as bo'sun. "The times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she +was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she was. The Roman Gynaeceum +would be an impossibility to-day. You might as well expect Delilah to open +a barbershop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced females +below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate's uniform after a fray, or to keep +the fringe on his epaulets curled. They're no longer sewing-machines--they +are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views +now--they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for +themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man +and emancipate woman. It's my private opinion that if we are to get along +with them at all the best thing to do is to let 'em alone. I have always +found I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going to +be settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, I'll +vote for any measure which involves leaving them strictly to themselves. +They're nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can +pretend we don't see them." + +"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is +impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are +strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates. +We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect +whales to spout kerosene. In the first place, it would be excessively +impolite of us to cut them--to decline to speak to them if they should +address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall +never forget that we are gentlemen." + +"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you think?" +suggested Conrad. "There's nobody to introduce us, and I can't really see +how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am not going to +stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an acquaintance +with them, even if I am of a Byronic strain." + +"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation. These +women are at present--or shortly will be, when they realize their +situation--in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue +of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the +seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines it is +now considered _de rigueur_ to speak to anybody you choose to. The +introduction business isn't going to stand in my way." + +"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is worrying +you? You said something about feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping +them in bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in the sea to feed 'em; and +as for their gowns and hats, they can make 'em themselves. Every woman is +a milliner at heart." + +"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers me. I +was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York, admiral. +That is where the money is, and to get it you've got to go ashore, to +headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern +civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the pirate's business. The latest +news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that +I never dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I speak are +interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins here. Captain +Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the +condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the high seas?" + +"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was a +recent arrival in Hades. "It is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain +for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since you ask me. When +I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my +readin', which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school nater--to become +somethin' different from the little Willies an' the clever Tommies what I +read about therein. They was all good, an' they went to their reward too +soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an' +unpleasant diversion. Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only +reward, an' a-wish-in' others, I says to myself: 'Jim,' says I, 'if you +wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be as you are +a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals, you'll end up +as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no +hope for no public preferment beyond bein' made the superintendent of the +Sunday-school; but if so be as how you're bad, you may become famous, an' +go to Congress, an' have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.' So I +looks around for books tellin' how to get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an' +after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate's just the +thing for me, seein' as how it's both profitable an' healthy. Passin' over +details, let me tell you that I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, an' by +dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school books useter say, in my badness +I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys, I +wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back, loud like, 'Jim, we're +with you,' an' they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan +Gulf, the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there was precious +little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday noospaper, +which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern Piracy' which I didn't +write. Finally business got so bad the crew began to murmur, an' I was at +my wits' ends to please 'em; when one mornin', havin' passed a restless +night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer +is a weritable treasure-ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and the +jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.' 'Here's +my chance,' says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I +captures her easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin' according like. We +steals the box a-hold-in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the millions, +hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo, me with two +bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, and one engin' of my ship +disabled by a shot--but happy. Twelve an' a half millions at one break is +enough to make anybody happy." + +"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head. +"I didn't get that in all my career." + +"Nor I," sighed Kidd. "But go on, Hawkins." + +"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the rondyvoo to +look over our booty. 'Captain 'Awkins,' says my valet--for I was a swell +pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my +clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers--'this 'ere twelve +millions,' says he, 'is werry light,' says he, carryin' the bag ashore. 'I +don't care how light it is, so long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,' +says I; but my heart sinks inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we +lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach. I opens the +bag, an' it's the one I was after--but the twelve millions!" + +"Weren't there?" cried Conrad. + +"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million was +represented by a certified check, an' payable in London!" + +[Illustration: "'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENTED BY A CERTIFIED +CHECK, AN' PAYABLE IN LONDON'"] + +"By Jingo!" cried Morgan. "What fearful luck! But you had the prima +donna's jewels." + +"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. "But they was like all other prima +donna's jewels--for advertisin' purposes only, an' made o' gum-arabic!" + +"Horrible!" said Abeuchapeta. "And the crew, what did they say?" + +"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins. "Werry few words, an' +not a civil word in the lot--mostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I +told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltin' of 'em, +an'--well, I came here. I was 'sas'inated that werry night!" + +"They killed you?" cried Morgan. + +"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. "They always was a lavish lot. I met +death in all its most horrid forms. First they stabbed me, then they shot +me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a lynchin'--but I +didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that I'm here +I'm glad it happened. This life is sort of less responsible than that +other. You can't hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain't nothing +to hurt, an' I must say I like bein' a mere vision what everybody can see +through." + +"All of which interesting tale proves what?" queried Abeuchapeta. + +"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check +banking system," said Kidd. "If you can get a chance at real gold it's all +right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop +payment on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little +freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found." + +"Well? Can't we do it now?" asked Abeuchapeta. + +"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd. "If we went to +London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it +spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours." + +"Then leave them on board," said Abeuchapeta. + +"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd. "No. There are but two +things to do. Take 'em back, or land them in Paris. Tell them to spend a +week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell 'em to shop to their hearts' +content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them +stranded." + +"Splendid!" cried Morgan. + +"But will they consent?" asked Abeuchapeta. + +"Consent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?" cried Morgan. + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins. "Will they consent! Will a duck swim?" + +And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the +House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count. + + + + +VI + +A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS + + +When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boat +was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly +Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs +behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen +to gaze through that diaphanous person's ribs, could have been seen to +beat angrily. + +Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her +regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the +most unroyal fashion. + +"Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The idea of +it! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of +the block!" + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDEN +POWER] + +"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard-room +and discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that something has +happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft." + +"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can see +through the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left her +moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the +distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that +the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of +accident. Let us below." + +Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the +moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave +one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero. + +"Very well," she said. "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!" + +"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants to cut +somebody." + +The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded as +being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into +the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about +anxiously discussing the situation. + +"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those +pool-balls!" These were in very truth chasing each other about the table +in an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed you horrid new +creatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony of despair. + +"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out of +the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the +disquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the part +of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time +it should cease." + +"Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again. + +"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, and I +must say it is getting tiresome. You couldn't do anything with an axe. +Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who were +accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, if you had +the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate +upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck +if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for +all the good it would do us in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp +with her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake like +that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into +the sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for there +isn't any of us that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us." + +"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic +spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which +she found herself. + +"I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot. "But I'm not that kind of a salt." + +"I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't know, for +I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough +for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived. +If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical +experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it." + +"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but in the +emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we +know what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought to +know how far that reliance can go--not that I lack confidence in you, my +dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care to rely upon +the oak, not upon the reed." + +"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say here +that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so +level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spoken +truly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make her +my attorney-general. We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all +things in a calm, judicial manner." + +"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked Ophelia, +faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for the +House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously, with no alleviation save an +occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that it gave +variety to their discomfort. "I don't believe a chief-justice could look +at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do." + +"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know exactly +how you feel. I have been there myself. The fourth day out I and my whole +family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband, was so +very far gone that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six days +before he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed myself." + +"But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me--" + +"It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. "When he heard that the boys were +sea-sick too, he actually laughed and began to get better right away. +There is really only one cure for the _mal de mer_, and that is the fun of +knowing that somebody else is suffering too. If some of you ladies would +kindly yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor +girl on her feet in an instant." + +Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to this +appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in solitude. + +"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped Xanthippe, +with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a +comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently improving. "I have +no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired of +succumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature." + +"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a great +deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that it is +rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle as +that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she +withdrew the sentiment. There are certain things about a sea-voyage that +are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one who +chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more confident +than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour she will not be as +badly off. People who live in glass houses should not throw dice." + +"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let me +tell you that," retorted Xanthippe. "Furthermore, the proverb is not as +the lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses should not throw +stones' is the proper version." + +"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that people +who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely what I +said. People who live in glass houses should not take chances. In assuming +with such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be seasick, the lady +who has just spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on +the Ark when we gathered about the table at night and began to make small +wagers on the day's run." + +"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. "It +is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does +not care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more important that +we should decide upon our future course of action. In the first place, the +question is who these people up on deck are. If they are the members of +the club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land us +safely again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to manifest +no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in the proceeding. +It would never do to let them think that their joke has been a good one. +If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some horde of +ruffians, who have pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the +business of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with +treachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing to +make every man on board walk the plank, having confidence in the +seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port." + +"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and I +move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of subcommittees--one +on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on +strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation, +headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, with +Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft--all of these +subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra and +Calpurnia. The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our interests +unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without +thought of the morrow." + +"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame +Recamier be appointed chair-lady of another subcommittee, on +entertainment." + +The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with an +enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete. + +The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to +discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed to +obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window. The +faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as, immediately +following upon this apparition, a large bundle was hurled through the open +port into the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished. + +"Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once. + +"Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man doesn't +mind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up. We're safe +enough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of illustrated +papers." + +"That's what it is," said Cleopatra, who had been investigating. "It's +rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the window +that way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear me," she added, as, +having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her, +"how interesting! All the latest Paris fashions. Humph! Look at those +sleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would have been with +those sleeves added to your ruffs!" + +"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing on +her tiptoes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder. "That Watteau isn't +bad, either, is it, now?" + +"No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that would go +on my blue alpaca?" + +"Very nicely," said Elizabeth. "How many gores has it?" + +"Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Caesar's toga. We had to have +our costumes distinct in some way." + +"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of a +Virot creation at the top of the page. + +"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," smiled +Mrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn't +have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals browsing +about the upper and lower decks." + +"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to take +in the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how that waist +would make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly +contrasting stock of satin ribbon?" + +"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame +Recamier. "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with +deeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad." + +"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifle +too light for general wear. I should want some kind of a wrap with it." + +"It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of passementerie and +jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck held by a _chou_, +would make it fascinating." + +"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising from +her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so animated a +discussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding about +Cleopatra and the papers. + +[Illustration: "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"] + +"A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I don't +like those basque terminations. I've never approved of those full +godets--" + +"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her voice, +"has a suggestion to make." + +"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. "What is +the use of them?" + +"They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame Recamier. + +"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by the +absorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make. This is +the third and last call." + +"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had forgotten +all about our committees. Excuse me, Delilah. I--ah--was absorbed in other +matters. Will you kindly lay your pattern--I should say your plan--before +us?" + +"It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we invite +the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the supervision of +Lucretia Borgia, and that she--" + +The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speaker +was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant opening, and +the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd. + +"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation in +which you find yourselves. Have I your permission to speak?" + +The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion. + +"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper; +and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the nefarious plan +upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in +through the window of the bundle of fashion papers was the first. + + + + +VII + +THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED + + +It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the preceding +chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the _Gehenna_, which +was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-starred ocean +steamship _City of Chicago_, which tried some years ago to reach Liverpool +by taking the overland route through Ireland, fortunately without +detriment to her passengers or crew, who had the pleasure of the +experience of shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning. As +will be remembered, the obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented +the _City of Chicago_ from proceeding farther inland than was necessary to +keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed; +and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to +the Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had himself +incorporated, is a matter of nautical history. The change of name to the +_Gehenna_ was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a +desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of the Stygian +capital against the flourishing and ever-growing metropolis of Illinois. + +The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft. Charon, +through his constant association with life on both sides of the dark +river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of modern business +methods, and while as janitor of the club he was subject to the will of +the House Committee, and sympathized deeply with the members of the +association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation Company +he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which were +embarrassing to those members of the association to whose hands the +chartering of a vessel had been committed. + +"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had +expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the terms +upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old hypocrite. +You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they've got as +dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask you for a ship +of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you become a +sort of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse. His instincts are +accidents of birth. Yours are cultivated, and you know it." + +"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to this. +"You don't understand my position. It is a very hard one. As janitor of +your club I am really prostrated over the events of the past twenty-four +hours. My occupation is gone, and my despair over your loss is +correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to brood over it. I +was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon--so hysterical that I came +near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to Madame +Medusa's villa last evening; and right at the sluice of the vitriol +reservoir at that." + +[Illustration: "'YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER'"] + +"Then why the deuce don't you do something to help us?" pleaded Hamlet. + +"How can I do any more than I have done? I've offered you the _Gehenna_," +retorted Charon. + +"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh. "If we had all the wealth of +the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying you the sums you demand." + +"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon. "I'd like, as +president, to show you some courtesy, and I'm perfectly willing to do so; +but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I'm bound by my +official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders. It isn't as it +used to be when I had boats to hire in my own behalf alone. In those days +I had nobody's interest but my own to look after. Now the ships all belong +to the Styx Navigation Company. Can't you see the difference?" + +"You own all the stock, don't you?" insisted Raleigh. + +"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly. "I haven't seen the +transfer-books lately." + +"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you haven't +sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet. + +Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and Sir +Walter's heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could not be +cornered. + +"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "I--I can't +say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not. The fact is, +I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up that stock as +security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out by my brokers. +I've been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence that I haven't seen the +market reports for two days. Really you'll have to be content with my +offer or go without the _Gehenna_. There's too much suspicion attached to +high corporate officials lately for me to yield a jot in the position I +have taken. It would never do to get you all ready to start, and then have +an injunction clapped on you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not +satisfied with the terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me +that to retain my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a +trust committed to my charge. I'll gladly lend you my private launch, +though I don't think it will aid you much, because the naphtha-tank has +exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two weeks ago. +Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that either Phidias or +Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you if you ask him to." + +"Bah!" retorted Raleigh. "You might as well offer us a pair of skates." + +"I would, if I thought the river'd freeze," retorted Charon, blandly. + +Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own +devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his other +eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief. + +"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter. "We'll have to pay +him his money." + +"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this they +proceeded at once to do. + +"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective after +he had heard Sir Walter's statement of the case. "It is an old saying that +one should fight fire with fire. We must meet modern business methods with +modern commercial ideas. Charter his vessel at his own price." + +"But we'd never be able to pay," said Hamlet. + +"Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes. "It is evident that you know nothing of the laws +of trade nowadays. Don't pay!" + +"But how can we?" asked Raleigh. + +"The method is simple. You haven't anything to pay with," returned Holmes. +"Let him sue. Suppose he gets a verdict. You haven't anything he can +attach--if you have, make it over to your wives or your fiancees." + +"Is that honest?" asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully. + +"It's business," said Holmes. + +"But suppose he wants an advance payment?" queried Hamlet. + +"Give him a check drawn to his own order. He'll have to endorse it when he +deposits it, and that will make him responsible," laughed Holmes. + +"What a simple thing when you understand it!" commented Raleigh. + +"Very," said Holmes. "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an exact +science. It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I played a modest +part some ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a profession. I +was sitting one night in my room at one of the Brighton hotels, which +shall be nameless. I never give the name of any of the hotels at which I +stop, because it might give offence to the proprietors of other hotels, +with the result that my books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice +it to say that I was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my +friend Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying our evening smoke +together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came a +timid knock on the door of my room. + +"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice. Do you wish to wager a +small bottle upon it?' + +"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile. 'I am thirsty and I'd like a small +bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll take the bet. I should like +to know, though, how you know.' + +"'It is quite simple,' said I. 'The timidity of the knock shows that my +visitor is one of two classes of persons--an autograph-hunter or a client, +one of the two. You see I give you a chance to win. It may be an +autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client. If it were a creditor, he +would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the maid, she would +not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would not come until I had +rung five times for him. None of these things has occurred; the knock is +the half-hearted knock which betokens either that the person who knocked +is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception. I am willing, however, +considering the heat and my desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it +is a client.' + +"'Done,' said Watson; and I immediately remarked, 'Come in.' + +"The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a +bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had happened. + +"'Your name is Burgess,' I said. 'You came here from London this morning, +expecting to return to-night. You brought no luggage with you. After +luncheon you went in bathing. You had machine No. 35, and when you came +out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your clothes +and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day you succeeded to his +business.' + +"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir Walter +and Hamlet--"of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued: 'You have +been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for nightfall, so +that you could come to me for assistance, not considering it good form to +make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad in a +bathing-suit. Am I correct?' + +"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my story +exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in coming to +you. Would you mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?' + +"'It is plain as day,' said I. 'I am the person with the red beard with +whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you told me +your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher. When you looked to see +the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which led to your +telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.' + +"'True,' said Burgess, 'but I did not tell you I had no luggage.' + +"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought any +other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on +to come here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from your costume.' + +"'But the number of the machine?' asked Watson. + +"'Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,' said I. + +"'One more question,' queried Burgess. 'How do you know I have been lying +face downward on the beach ever since?' + +"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the +small bottle." + +"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed Hamlet, +somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of this tale, +"that suggested this train of thought to you." + +"The sequel will show," returned Holmes. + +"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh. "Can't we put off the sequel until a later +issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing time." + +"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office of the +Navigation Company," observed the detective. "When the bottle came I +invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late +when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight. +This he accepted, and we retired. + +"The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared." + +"You had dreamed its solution?" asked Raleigh. + +"No," replied Holmes. "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, my +false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch. The only thing he had left me was +the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles." + +"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's +office--"why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted +to-day?" + +"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it all," +explained Holmes. "I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe one thing +about him. Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and +with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96 +and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that he was an impostor. +_Vide_ Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,' pp. 631-640." + +"Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?" demanded +Hamlet. + +"If he has any--yes; but I did not know that at the time of the Brighton +mystery. Therefore I should have stayed out of the case. But here we are. +Good-morning, Charon." + +By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president of +the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was chartered +at a fabulous price. + +On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked Holmes if +he thought the plan they had settled upon would work. + +"Charon is a very shrewd old fellow," said he. "He may outwit us yet." + +"The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor," observed +Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh's ears. "The temporal angle of +your ears is 93-1/8 degrees, whereas Charon's stand out at 91, by my +otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to his. If +criminology is an exact science, reasoning by your respective ears, you +ought to beat him out by a perceptible though possibly narrow margin." + +With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and within +twelve hours the _Gehenna_ was under way, carrying a full complement of +crew and officers, with every state-room on board occupied by some spirit +of the more illustrious kind. + +Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of night +he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself in an empty +water-cask in the forecastle. + +[Illustration: "IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE +GANG-PLANK"] + +"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily through the +bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and damp enough, and, considering the +cost, I can't complain. You can't get something for nothing, even in +Hades." + + + + +VIII + +ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA" + + +When the _Gehenna_ had passed down the Styx and out through the beautiful +Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and everything was +comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down from +the bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the +expedition at the moment of departure. His brow was furrowed with anxiety, +and through his massive forehead his brain could be seen to be throbbing +violently, and the corrugations of his gray matter were not pleasant to +witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an idea out of them. + +"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously. "We are not in any +danger, are we?" + +"No," replied Holmes. "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the +surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an hour or two +ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate to +my mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the House-boat has +changed her course. Take that bubble floating by. It is the last expiring +bit of aerial agitation of the House-boat's wake. Observe whence it comes. +Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight +course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the northeast, and +was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London seems to +have become their destination." + +Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from +stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he opened +his _bonbonniere_ and swallowed a pebble. + +"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?" queried +Holmes. + +"No," returned the Greek. "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but these +pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down. How on earth do you know that +that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?" + +"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes. "A merely worldly +vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake. That one we have just +discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which it +seems to me the English language is very much in need of. It proves, then, +that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a Stygian craft, and the only +Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is the +House-boat--Q.E.D." + +"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I +presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories of +his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition rather +than by study of the science. + +"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes, +simply, as though not observing the sneer, "because the ripple represents +the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; and as any one +of the sides to an angle is greater than the perpendicular from the +hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going the long way. This is +especially important when you consider the formation of the bow of the +House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and comes +near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of ninety degrees." + +"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must +change our course and sail for Paris?" + +"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means certain as +yet. I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop and look about +him, he might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of +the theory." + +"He couldn't discover anything," put in Pinzon. "He never did." + +"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus. "I'd like to know who discovered +America." + +"So should I," observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci. + +"Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did it, and the world knows it, whether you +claim it or not." + +"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon. "You sat upon the +deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for three +months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even when you had +it right before your eyes. Noah might just as well have told his family +that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back to Spain telling +'em all that San Salvador was the United States." + +"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh. "I'm the one they +celebrate, so what's the odds? I'd rather stay down here in the +smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast and +strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to prove or +disprove the correctness of another man's theory. I wouldn't know evidence +when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge Blackstone." + +"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone. "The dignity of +the bench must and shall be preserved, and I'll never consent to climb up +that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks me +to go." + +[Illustration: JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP] + +"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly. "I am +commander of this ship. It will pay you to remember that, Judge +Blackstone." + +"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly. "Bear that in +mind, captain, when you try to send me up. I'll issue a writ of _habeas +corpus_ on my own body, and commit you for contempt." + +"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing by +the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble might +ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to. "He's accustomed to +weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision. If he +saw any evidence, he'd have to sit on it a week before reaching a +conclusion. What we need here more than anything else is an expert seaman, +a lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has sailed under his father, and I have +it on good authority that he is a nautical expert." + +Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the necessity of +disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded. + +"Very well," he said. "Shem be it. Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him +that general order number one requires him to report at the mizzentop +right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come below and +make it known to me. As for the rest of us, having a very considerable +appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time. Shall we go below?" + +[Illustration: SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT] + +"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh. "Fact is--ah--I +dined last week, and am not hungry." + +Noah laughed. "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said. "It'll do +you good." + +But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his +state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck. The rest +of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were soon engaged +in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder provided. + +"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call +comfort. I don't know that I am so anxious to recover the House-boat, +after all." + +"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on, and +with such a larder. Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor--" + +"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but I--I've left my note-bub-book +upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and get it." + +"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I judge from your color, which is highly +suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well too if you +stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries in your +commonplace book." + +"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. "Shall you say anything clever +during dinner, sir? If so, I might be putting it down while I'm up--" + +"Get out!" roared the Doctor. "Get up as high as you can--get up with Shem +on the mizzentop--" + +"Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and he was off. + +"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he means +well." + +"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous. Last winter, at +Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell printed a week +before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and 'uproarious +applause' interspersed through it. It placed me in a false position." + +"How did he know what you were going to say?" queried Demosthenes. + +"Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind of mind-reader, I fancy," he added, +blushing a trifle. "But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from your +observation of the wake of the House-boat? If she's going to Paris, why +the change?" + +"I have two theories," replied the detective. + +"Which is always safe," said Le Coq. + +"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes. "Anyhow, +it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting. The change of her +course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either that Kidd is not +satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already taken, and wishes +to ruin you gentlemen financially by turning your wives, daughters, and +sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the pirates have themselves +been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise +and get some fun out of their misfortune." + +"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure go?" +asked Bonaparte. + +"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington, with a +sly wink at Washington. + +"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte. "It wasn't you beat me at +Waterloo. You couldn't have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of old-maid +with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, if you hadn't +had the elements with you." + +"Tut!" snapped Wellington. "It was clear science laid you out, Boney." + +"Taisey-voo!" shouted the irate Corsican. "Clear science be hanged! Wet +science was what did it. If it hadn't been for the rain, my little Duke, I +should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would have been +camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere +else." + +"You must have had a gay army, then," laughed Caesar. "What are French +soldiers made of, that they can't stand the wet--unshrunk linen or +flannel?" + +"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few paces +away. "You do not understand the French. The Frenchman is not a pell-mell +soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go in for +glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than +honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out of the +fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and his +epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no glory in water. But if we had +had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as every Englishman who comes to the +Continent always has, and a bath-tub for everybody, then would your +Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of Europe with +a Bonaparte for emperor would have been founded for what the Americans +call the keeps; and as for your little Great Britain, ha! she would have +become the Blackwell's Island of the Greater France." + +"You're almost as funny as _Punch_ isn't," drawled Wellington, with an +angry gesture at Bonaparte. "You weren't within telephoning distance of +victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a regular game +of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and win a few holes, but +on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke. Go to, my dear +Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood." + +"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said +Frederick the Great. "How that rain would have fazed him if he had been! +The human race would have been wiped out." + +"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the quarrel, +and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte's shoulder. "When you +come down to that, I was French--as French as one could be in those +days--and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every one of 'em, +my lineal descendants, and their hatred of rain was inherited directly +from me, their ancestor." + +"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington, arching +his eyebrows. + +"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after me. +Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an essentially +feminine trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry +outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of +hand-baggage. Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I think of it! She +looked for all the world like an Englishman travelling on the Continent as +she walked up the gang-plank behind the elephants, each elephant with a +Gladstone bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail." Here the +venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and the little quarrel +which had been imminent passed off in a general laugh. + +"Where's Boswell? He ought to get that anecdote," said Johnson. + +"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes. "He's in charge of the +log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about to +happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work +writing it up." Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand to +his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking out his watch and +glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes Shem will be in here to +announce a discovery, and one of great importance, I judge, from the +squeak." + +The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment. + +"The squeak?" queried Raleigh. + +"Precisely," said Holmes. "The squeak is what I said, and as I always say +what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I said." + +"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail to +see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a discovery of +importance." + +"It would not--to you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different. My +hearing is unusually acute. I can hear the dropping of a pin through a +stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates +thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use +of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully acute sense. A property +which dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly apprehensive; +therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to +me there was. I heard Shem sliding down the mast a minute since. The fact +that he slid down the mast instead of climbing down the rigging showed +that he was in great haste, therefore he must have something to +communicate of great importance." + +"Why isn't he here already, then? It wouldn't take him two minutes to get +from the deck here," asked the ever-suspicious Le Coq. + +"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly. "If you will go yourself and +slide down that mast you will see. Shem has stopped for a little +witch-hazel to soothe his burns. It is no cool matter sliding down a mast +two hundred feet in height." + +As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in. + +"A signal of distress, captain!" he cried. + +"From what quarter--to larboard?" asked Holmes. + +"No," returned Shem, breathless. + +"Then it must be dead ahead," said Holmes. + +"Why not to starboard?" asked Le Coq, dryly. + +"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so. If you had +ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you would have known +that interesting things, and particularly signals of distress, are never +seen except to larboard or dead ahead." + +A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided. + +"The nature of the signal?" demanded Holmes. + +"A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!" cried Shem, "and +on a rock-bound coast!" + +"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet and +rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr. +Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others. + +"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed the +stairs. + +"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with +intense enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my X-ray lantern and see if he's +honest." + + + + +IX + +CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE + + +"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded +permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been introduced to this +gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent to +any proceeding so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have +not met, nor do I permit them to address me." + +"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of my +young friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all +the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men +without an introduction was included in the list, but I for one have no +desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it's a +horrid-looking man like this." + +Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladies +fainted. + +"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that +his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he found +himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with falsehood on +his lips, his courage began to ooze. + +"Not yet, please," answered the chair-lady. "I imagine we can get about +this difficulty without much trouble." + +"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, rising. +"If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a plan which will +obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who is +sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to +us, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship's barber +and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing for +barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have +not been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus +I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with +propriety introduce him to the rest of you." + +"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen +Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much +dissatisfied with the trim you gave him." + +"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, with +a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had been +sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman to you all +with perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His grandfather was +the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son Shem's +great-grandnephew on his father's side. His relationship to me is +therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he +takes more after my husband's ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these +ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my most +famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been +hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance, +has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to +know. Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece." + +The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors having +thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began. + +"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under +the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly +with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering +of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always +felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of this nature. +In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible impulse to +make a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappy +occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has +alluded, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air +tightened about my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked +impromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost +import surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no +control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is +therefore lost to the world." + +"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier. + +"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth. + +"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsome +or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He fascinates me, but +whether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can't tell, and +it's quite important." + +"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the +point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands, _fiances_, and +other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenants +of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may add +highly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have noted of late +years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day +more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the +universe--on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to be +allowed to go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where, as you +are no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almost +wholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter +himself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private +lessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the +extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem +to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in a +most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those of +you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully aware. Now, +actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish +to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are +based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have +come to me and in so many words have said, 'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of +Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like this +constantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen all the life +that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing +them about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat, +which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our +beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life +as they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only +bring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words, +ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying that +even if they were tired of it all, they should make some personal +sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, that +they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might +unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. 'We want them +to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said they, 'and if we are along +they may not feel so.' The answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted +the commission." + +"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The subject was +not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, _fiances_, or fathers. My +brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--" + +Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said. + +"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised to be +a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word. That's the kind of a queen +I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, turning to the captain, +"that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan, +and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great importance." + +"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walter +intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The arrangements +were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy. +None of the ladies were to be informed of it." + +"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If you +ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah--gentleman." + +Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he +put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his +willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked. + +[Illustration: CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS-EXAMINED BY PORTIA] + +"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra. + +"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as good as +his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen of 'em, if +need be." + +"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd, +who first proposed this plan?" + +"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly, with a sly glance at Xanthippe. + +"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that would +contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah! Your story is +transparently false at the outset." + +"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He said a +trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and health-giving." + +"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically. + +"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd. + +"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to the +roots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my doubting your +word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark, and in order to +make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am now +perfectly convinced that you are telling the truth. That last observation +is just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever do, +well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry time, that's all." + +"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added Portia, +hesitatingly. + +"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted with +Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the others +the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because +he was afraid he would not consent to it. 'Bassanio has a most beautiful +wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter, 'and he wouldn't think of parting with +her under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our intentions a secret +from him.' I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the +others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, +all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated +from, and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as +to their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere." + +A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the +cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the +wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other hand, +Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the +pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that glowering +face. + +"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he was +willing to part with--ah--his sister." + +"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this way: +Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added that he of +course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by his own in +parting from his sister--" + +"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth. + +"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein +his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense +enthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual qualities, that he +referred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge +as to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists between +you." + +"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who, +with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without. + +"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He's +perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his +size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without evaporating. If +you will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already has +vanished into thin air." + +"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on him +he'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of his head." + +All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he had +little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was rapidly +dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was in +imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of one +possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of +annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had +stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his +explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most influential +ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a +creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing more to fear. + +"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, "to +accept from this time on the gentleman's word. The little that he has +already told us is hall-marked with truth. I should like to ask, however, +one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected to +embark us upon this voyage without letting us into the secret?" + +"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he +too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the incipient +etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple enough. There was +to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at the club, and when you +were all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and start. The fact that +you had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was telephoned by my +scouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by +messenger to Sir Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of +fight between Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately +replied, '_Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love to +Elizabeth._' Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and +walking to the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care. Make +yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you +have already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. With +the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's _Paris_, which you will find in +the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you +resemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know what they want." + +With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in the +arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too great. + +"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared. + +"Most attractive," said Elizabeth. + +"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy. + +"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she reflected +upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I didn't believe +him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had +said, I was convinced." + +"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my favorite +grandchildren." + +"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, starting up +angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!" + +Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have +created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra. + +"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?" + +"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, because +while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one ear and +looking forward into the middle of next week with the other--I mean the +other eye--and I saw--" + +"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra. + +"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base +caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff." + +"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly. + +"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which I +must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his associates were endeavoring +to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd's spirit anatomy +by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd's +training had not fitted him for an intellectual combat with superior +women, and he suffered accordingly. + +[Illustration: KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RESTORE EVAPORATED +PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER] + + + + +X + +A WARNING ACCEPTED + + +"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily," +said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to narrate her story, "that I +rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope +she will spare a grandmother's feelings, if anything in the story she is +about to tell is improper to be placed before the young. I have been so +shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that have been +published of late years, that I would interpose a protest while there is +yet time if there is a line in Cassandra's story which ought to be +withheld from the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity, +and in the interests of morality everywhere." + +"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the +prophetess. "What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure, even to +the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration +of man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little +tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent study of New +England character." + +"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said Mrs. +Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon her gentle +countenance. "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why +modern literature generally has been so distressful to me. When you +reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man's criminal instincts +are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift +the responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own, you will +understand my position. We were about the most domestic old couple that +ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of crimes that +are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to +realize what a pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been." + +"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all prepared +to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced condition of +wickedness to-day. Man has progressed since your time, my dear grandma, +and the modern improvements in the science of crime are no more +attributable to you than the invention of the telephone or the oyster +cocktail is attributable to your lord and master." + +"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her knitting +upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which she was making as a Christmas +surprise for her husband. + +"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one very bad +mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy which all men +instinctively adopt when addressing women. When he entered the room he +removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to convince +me of the truth of his story, for with his hat removed I could see the +workings of his mind. While you ladies were watching his lips or his eyes, +some of you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of you +hanging upon his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his +imagination, and I saw, what you did not, _that he was drawing wholly upon +that_!" + +"How extraordinary!" cried Elizabeth. + +"Yes--and fortunate," said Cassandra. "Had I not done so, a week hence we +should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging wickedness of the +city of Paris." + +"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to the +beautiful city by the Seine, "he told us we were going to Paris." + +[Illustration: "'HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'"] + +"Of course he did," said Madame Recamier, "and in so many words. Certainly +he was not drawing upon his imagination there." + +"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite de +Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all. I fancy +that I know enough about Paris to find my way about." + +"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra. "What a foolish little thing you are! You +don't imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, or even +the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you? If you do you are +very much mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of your danger and +had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open with amazement at the +change. You'd find your Louvre a very different sort of a place from what +it used to be, my dear lady. Those pleasing little windows through which +your relations were wont in olden times to indulge in target practice at +people who didn't go to their church are now kept closed; the galleries +which used to swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged, +now swarm with pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the +romance which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as +yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would find +yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious from other +lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a minute, and +traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which Mercury himself would +stand aghast." + +"But my beloved Tuileries?" cried Marie Antoinette. + +"Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear," said +Cassandra, gently. "Paris is no place for us, and it is the intention of +these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and then desert us. Can +you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious +romantic past, basely deserted in the streets of a wholly strange, +superficial, material city of to-day? What do you think, Elizabeth, would +be your fate if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at an +English door to-day, and when asked your name and profession were to +reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of England'?" + +"Insane asylum," said Elizabeth, shortly. + +"Precisely. So in Paris with the rest of us," said Cassandra. + +"How do you know all this?" asked Trilby, still unconvinced. + +"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said Cassandra. +"I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent +detachable hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind into +the future. I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient Troy, +and if my revelations had been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not, +still be doing business at the old stand, and Mr. AEneas would not have +grown round-shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the +opening night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by Virgil." + +"I never heard about that," said Trilby. "It sounds like a very funny +story, though." + +"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said +Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen. "The fact is, until you mentioned +it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any +portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of +old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for stealing my thunder. I +had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and said +my eye to the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks couldn't get into +Troy at all, even if they wanted to. And then the Greeks made a great +wooden horse as a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze +upon it I saw that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three +artillery regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score. It was a sort of +military Noah's Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so +strong that nobody would believe what I told them. So I said nothing. My +prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my warning +as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non-fulfilment. But +desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told him all about it, and +he went out and announced it as his own private prophecy; and then, having +tried to drown his conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the +usual serpentine hallucination, and everybody said he wasn't sober, and +therefore unworthy of belief. The horse was accepted, hauled into the +city, and that night orders came from hindquarters to the regiments +concealed inside to march. They marched, and next morning Troy had been +removed from the map; ninety per cent. of the Trojans died suddenly, and +AEneas, grabbing up his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went +yachting for several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy. All of +this could have been avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from +my prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the result that +to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy was, and we'll +never tell." + +"It is all true," said Helen, proudly. "I was the woman who was at the +bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told the truth, +which is why she was always so unpopular. When anything that was +unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn and say, +sweetly, 'I told you so.' She was the original 'I told you so' nuisance, +and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, because she never +left them any sensation to spring upon the public. If she had only told a +fib once in a while, the public would have had more confidence in her." + +"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen. +"With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from taking my +advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made +his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with +our being here than we had; they were as much surprised as we are to find +us gone. Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and his object in +taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits, +vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and +nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would have no +sympathy for us in our misfortune, and no belief in our continued +existence." + +"But what, then, shall we do?" cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in +despair. + +"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it does +seem as if our woman's instinct ought to show us some way out of our +trouble." + +"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a +chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster +Newberg." + +"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my reticule, +that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to renew my supply +of poisons. I shall discharge her on my return home, for she knows that I +never go anywhere without them; but that does not help matters at this +juncture. The sad fact remains that I could prepare a thousand delicacies +for these pirates without fatal results." + +"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe. "I could +myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to a state of +absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate." + +"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them," +suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle. + +"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. "We haven't time to waste on +flippant suggestions. Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates, +supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute the +case." + +"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed +Cleopatra. "If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be all +right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to +one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in our power, +but they are not. They have gone through the refining process of +dissolution once, and there's an end to that. Our only resource is in the +line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, then we have ceased to +be women." + +"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth. "And inasmuch as we have already +provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the preparation of our +plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible solution of +the difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be +requested to go at once into executive session, with orders not to come +out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of campaign against +our abductors. We must be rid of them. Let the Committee on Treachery say +how." + +"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clear-headed young +woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you." + +[Illustration: "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID +MRS. NOAH"] + +The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair refused to +entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and carried with a +storm of approval. + +Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to +Cleopatra, which read as follows: + + "DEAR MADAME,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and + crew are hungry. Will you and your fair companions co-operate + with us in our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within + two hours? A speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a + coming storm, else we would prepare our supper ourselves. As it + is, we feel that your safety depends on our remaining on deck. + If there is any beer on the ice, we prefer it to tea. Two cases + will suffice. + + "Yours respectfully, + + "HENRY MORGAN, Bart., First Mate." + +"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have an +idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full meeting at +once." + +The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of operation, +and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall have to wait for +another chapter to learn. + + + + +XI + +MAROONED + + +When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, gazing +intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful Shem had not +deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly hewn pole set upon +a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus Ward +put it, "with the second joints reversed." It was in very truth a signal +of distress. + +"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he peered +through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there was an island +of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain +Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island that is." + +"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I didn't +ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy. Therefore I--" + +"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I +expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord +Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I issue an order it must be +obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and summon your +marines. We may have work to do before night. Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on +deck." + +"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off. + +"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance at +Blackstone. + +"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat. + +"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was I when +I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate the full +force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty." + +In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly found +himself manacled and alone in the forecastle. Meanwhile Captain Cook, in +response to the commander's order, repaired to the deck and scanned the +distant coast. + +"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?" + +"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in the +Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got out +through the Strait of Gibraltar." + +"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson. + +"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please keep +off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've been having a number +of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me a lot of new points, +which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the _Cimmerian Magazine_." + +"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes, +angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I have +brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to whistle up +favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I brought you to give me +information, and now when I ask for the name of a simple little island +like that in plain sight there's not one of you able so much as to guess +at it reasonably. The next man I ask for information goes into irons with +Judge Blackstone if he doesn't answer me instantly with the information I +want. Munchausen, what island is that?" + +"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the +Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is? Why, you +surprise me--" + +"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain +question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time. Now +it's irons or an answer. What island is that?" + +"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain," Munchausen +responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty effort, "and it +has never been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we'll call +it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not stationary. It is a floating +island of lava formation, and is a menace to every craft that goes to sea. +I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is more barren than the +desert of Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is +devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh." + +"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him narrowly. + +"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now that +he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander. There is a +magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict real +estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned substance that is +lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship is wrecked, say, in the +Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose metal upon her will succumb to +the irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum, and will find +its way to its shores. So in any other part of the earth. Everything +metallic turns up here sooner or later; and when you consider that +thousands of vessels go down every year, vessels which are provisioned +with tinned foods only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of +pounds of preserved salmon, sardines, _pate de foie gras_, peaches, and so +on, can be found strewn along its coast." + +"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek, coupled +with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for once you are +standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I admire you +for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth +occasionally. You are a man after my own heart. Come below and have a +cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the _Gehenna_ during my absence; +head her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new +let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen's remarkable genius I +proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may release Blackstone +from his dilemma; and if you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see +that they are lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of +the Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture." + +With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two worthies +were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while Doctor +Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the floating +island. + +"De Foe," said Johnson, "that ought to be a lesson to you. This realism +that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your conscience; +but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as +to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You or I might now be +drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only risen to the opportunity +the way Munchausen did." + +[Illustration: "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'"] + +"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted that +kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn than that of +Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave +it." + +"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh, +anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can see old Henry +Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and +his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him, +yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in sight." + +"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked Johnson. + +"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone crazy. +He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity. We'll have to +be careful in our parleyings with these people," said Raleigh. + +"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his lips in +enjoyment of the cocktail. + +"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook. + +"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take a +crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard. Take the three +musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any back talk. +If they try any funny business, exorcise them." + +"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been +lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore. As they +came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the rough, +rocky hillside and clamored to be saved. + +[Illustration: "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE ROUGH, ROCKY +HILL-SIDE"] + +"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to back +water, lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and swamp her. + +"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic nature. +There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125 degrees, and +seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has lost his reason; +Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can see through him. As for +myself, I am growing iridescent with anxiety, and unless I get off this +infernal furnace I'll disappear like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake, +then, General, take us off, on your own terms. We'll accept anything." + +As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew collapsed +and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta was proof +enough of his condition. He had become as clear as crystal, and had it not +been for his rugged outlines he would hardly have been visible even to his +fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and +it was patent that his fears for himself were all too well founded. + +Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning subsequently +for the others, and repaired with them at once to the _Gehenna_, where +they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock Holmes. The first question +he asked was as to the whereabouts of the House-boat. + +"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at the +wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning, +in search of food. It appears that when--acting in a wholly inexcusable +fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of revenge--I made off +with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if it were well stocked +with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to get supper we +discovered that the larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives, +two salted almonds, and a soda cracker--not a luxurious feast for +sixty-nine pirates and a hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to." + +"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had provided +enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of +the members on their return from the fight." + +"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too--salads, +salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get at home we +had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I saw to that +before I went up the river." + +"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of base +treachery on the part of those women." + +"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet, dryly. + +"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper save the +items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see it all now. We had +tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable +personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were +ungrateful." + +"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates. + +"We didn't want them," said Kidd. "We didn't know they were on board until +it was too late to turn back. They'd broken in, and were having the club +all to themselves in your absence." + +"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next time +you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be a trifle +more careful as to whose property you confiscate." + +"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in +Raleigh, impatiently. + +"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite +request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on board, +something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we +decided to go ashore at the first port and provision. Unfortunately the +crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan loomed into view, to +keep them good-natured we decided to land and see if we could beg, borrow, +or steal some supplies. We had to. Observations taken with the sextant +showed that there was no port within five hundred miles; the island looked +as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every +man of us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first +we didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after +three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were +shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins burst +right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and +began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself; and as for +Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a nap in the sun, and +when he waked up, his whole right side had evaporated. Then we saw what +the trouble was. We'd struck this lava island, and were gradually +succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed madly back to the harbor to +embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your House-boat, was slowly but +surely disappearing over the horizon, and flying from the flag-staff at +the fore were signals of farewell, with an unfeeling P.S. below to this +effect: '_Don't wait up for us. We may not be back until late._'" + +There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself, while +Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently. + +"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the +whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no doubt +that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and I must say +that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it was desirable to +be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by them, and they would +have enjoyed themselves." + +"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot navigate +that ship." + +"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged from +the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge. What kind of a +seaman she is I don't know." + +"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran us +ashore on Ararat." + +"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen. + +"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want your +yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead loss there, +whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could have +waited a month and landed on the seaboard." + +"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested Munchausen. + +"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has merely +begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the question to be +answered is--where?" + +"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd +better look for her in the Himalayas." + +"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes. + +"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson. + +"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh. + +"Then elect him," suggested Ward. + +"What on earth for?" growled Johnson. + +"So that we can expel him," said Ward. + +And while Boswell's hero was trying to get the value of this notion +through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and the _Gehenna_ was +soon under way once more. Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put +in irons and stowed away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in +which Shylock lay in hiding. + + + + +XII + +THE ESCAPE AND THE END + + +If there was anxiety on board of the _Gehenna_ as to the condition and +whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness upon +that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and her +abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, having worked +thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of perplexities +bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted them. The sole +representative of a sea-faring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did +not require much time to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of an +extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating. + +When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes Island, +and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who had hitherto +been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red in the face and to +bustle about in a manner which betrayed considerable perturbation of +spirit. + +"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-room +window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast is clear, +and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the vessel in your +hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are in command. What do +you wish us to do?" + +"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and starting for +the deck. "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing to do is to get +her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered whether this boat is a +steamboat or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody know?" + +"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth, "although +I don't know. It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me they'd had a +naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the House-boat +was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back at enormous +expense. They put it in so that if she were carried away again she could +get back of her own power." + +"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything about +these new fangled notions. If there's any one here who knows anything +about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak." + +"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory of it +in a short while." + +"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you +engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance. Set +her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written order +signed by me. We might as well be very careful, and have everything done +properly, and it might happen that in the excitement of our trip you would +misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error. Therefore, pay no +attention to unwritten orders. That will do for you for the present. +Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies, +and, every morning before breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra, +Tuesdays you will devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and +the balance of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac. +Dido, you always were strong at building fires. I'll make you chief +stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen. Inasmuch as +the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the usual line of +poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's hands the +responsibilities of the culinary department." + +"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I must +confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a ship. A +ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be. We +didn't appoint you housekeeper." + +"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words. If I +hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a reference; +and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate +insubordination. You may, all of you, have one night of the week and +alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done. The regimen I am +adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I didn't have the +help I have now, and things got into very bad shape. We were out forty +days, and, while the food was poor and the service execrable, we never +lost a life." + +[Illustration: "'NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'I DO NOT WISH +ANY WORDS'"] + +The boat gave a slight tremor. + +"Hurrah," cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are off!" + +"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah, putting +her shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first +mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here before I return. Have the +windows washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken up and +shaken." + +Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after +experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks, had +finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the engine +going, and the wheel began to revolve. + +"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below. + +"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling up +the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead very +fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we were on a +pivot." + +"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the side +of the House-boat anxiously. "She certainly acts that way--like a +merry-go-round." + +"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to hurry +and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall be as +badly off as ever." + +"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to +the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied us fast." + +"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan, and +have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can untie it." + +Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh. + +"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!" + +"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like that on +the Ark." + +Portia explained the science of the anchor. + +"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah. "How can we get away from it?" + +"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and have +it pulled up." + +"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs. Noah, +indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear Portia, is +not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the rope with her +scissors." + +"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth, who +had been investigating. "It would be more to the purpose, I think, to chop +it in two with an axe." + +"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is done as +long as it is done quickly. It would never do for us to be recaptured +now." + +The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself cut the +hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe. + +"You _are_ an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra. + +"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over my +head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't help +familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities." + +"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel +easier. It looks now as if we were really off." + +"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we are +going backward." + +"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark half +the time. It doesn't make any difference which way we are going as long as +we go, does it?" + +"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking of? +People who walk backward are in great danger of running into other people. +Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a very dangerous piece +of business, sailing backward." + +"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra. During +the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward. It didn't +make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe one way as +another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main object now is to +get away from the pirates, and that's what we are doing. Don't get +emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge. If I think the +boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go. If you don't like it, it +is still not too late to put you ashore." + +The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all went +well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller revolving reverse +fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth had said, backing her +way through the ocean. + +The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned pirates +faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense fog. + +"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe, looking +anxiously out of the port. + +"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly. "I'm sorry for those who have to +be out in it." + +"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe. "It's going to be +very hard on us keeping watch." + +"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her glasses +at Xanthippe. + +"Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?" said +Elizabeth. + +"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. "Perfectly absurd. We never did it on the +Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want you all to go to bed at ten +o'clock. I don't think the night air is good for you. Besides, it isn't +proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she's new or not." + +"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become of the +ship?" + +"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or not," +said the commander. "The Ark did, why not this? Now, girls, these +new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense. It's night, and there's a +fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us. If there were a hundred of you +upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn't see anything. You might much +better be in bed. As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I command +you to stay below." + +"But--who is to steer?" queried Xanthippe. + +"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?" demanded +Mrs. Noah. "I certainly don't intend to bother with that tiller until some +reason for doing it arises. We haven't any place to steer to yet; we don't +know where we are going. Now, my dear children, be reasonable, and don't +worry me. I've had a very hard day of it, and I feel my responsibilities +keenly. Just let me manage, and we'll come out all right. I've had more +experience than any of you, and if--" + +A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks. The House-boat +shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted and +stood still. A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a hundred +and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the deck, gazing +with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by +broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the stern-posts of the +House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the sea. + +[Illustration: "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"] + +It was the _Gehenna_! + +The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, thanks to +the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the floating club-house +had withstood the shock of the impact and now rode the waters as +gracefully as ever. + +Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in a +short while chairs and life-preservers and tables--everything that could +float--had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals therein. +On board the _Gehenna_, those who had not cast themselves into the waters, +under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly lowered the +boats, and in a short while were not only able to felicitate themselves +upon their safety, but had likewise the good fortune to rescue their more +impetuous brethren who had preferred to swim for it. Ultimately, all were +brought aboard the House-boat in safety, and the men in Hades were once +more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and _fiancees_, and +Elizabeth had the satisfaction of once more saving the life of Raleigh by +throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so previously, when she +and her brother had been upset in the swift current of the river Styx. + +Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House-boat +and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth. The _Gehenna_ +went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the roll was called +it was found that all who had set out upon her had returned in safety save +Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not +lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were found early one +morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the +top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for help. + +And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House-boat. +Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more resumed, +but with one slight difference. + +The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves of the +privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of being men and +to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even Xanthippe and +Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their differences, and no +longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled to wear the toga of +authority. It has become for them a divided skirt. + +As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the effects of +their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and are but shadows +of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes has so endeared +himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as popular with them as +he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark river and be subjected to +the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership at the House-boat on the Styx. + +Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT*** + + +******* This file should be named 16097.txt or 16097.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/0/9/16097 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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