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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Silly Syclopedia
+
+Author: Noah Lott
+
+Release Date: April 25, 2005 [EBook #15705]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SILLY SYCLOPEDIA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Michelle Croyle, David Garcia and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: _DIGGING FOR DAFFYNISHUNS_]
+
+
+THE
+
+SILLY SYCLOPEDIA
+
+
+###
+ A Terrible Thing in the Form of a Literary Torpedo which is Launched
+### for HILARIOUS PURPOSES ONLY Inaccurate in Every Particular Containing
+    Copious Etymological Derivations and Other Useless Things
+
+_By_
+
+_NOAH LOTT_
+
+(An Ex-relative of Noah Webster)
+
+Embellished with
+Numerous and Distracting
+CUTS and DIAGRAMS by
+
+LOUIS F. GRANT
+
+
+
+  G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
+  PUBLISHERS     NEW YORK
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+  Copyright, 1905, by
+  G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
+
+_Entered at Stationers' Hall_
+
+Issued July, 1905
+
+_The Silly Syclopedia_
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+  Lives of great men all remind us
+    Life is really not worth while
+  If we cannot leave behind us
+    Some excuses for a smile!
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_To_
+
+MY AUTOMOBILE.
+
+
+  Which when I read it some
+    Of these Brain-throbs
+  Jumped over the fence, climbed a
+  Telegraph pole, burst its
+  Cylinder head, exploded all its
+  Tires
+  And then turned around and
+    Barked at me.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ABBREVIATIONS USED IN THIS WORK
+
+
+  A.b.           At the bat.
+  B.i.           Butt in.
+  C.o.           Catch on.
+  D.t.l.         Down the line.
+  E.s.           Easy street.
+  I.t.n.         In the neck.
+  I.u.t.y.       It's up to you.
+  I.f.M.         I'm from Missouri.
+  M.m.t.s.       Make mine the same.
+  N.g.           Nice gentleman.
+  O.t.l.         On the level.
+  P.d.q.         Pass the butter.
+  T.l.           The limit.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Some eighteen months ago I took this brilliant bunch of brain burrs to
+my esteemed Publisher and with much enthusiasm invited him to spend a
+lot of money thereon.
+
+The Main Stem in the Works informed me that he had his fingers on the
+public pulse and just as soon as that pulse began to jump and yell for
+something from my fiery pen he would throw the _Silly Syclopedia_
+at it.
+
+Then he placed my MS. in the forward turret of his steel-armored safe,
+gave me a fairly good cigar and began to look hard in the direction of
+the elevator.
+
+Last week, while searching for some missing government bonds, my
+Publisher found my sadly neglected MS. He at once reached over and
+grabbed the public pulse. To his astonishment it was jumping and making
+signs in my direction.
+
+In a frenzied effort to make up for lost time my publisher then yelled
+feverishly for a printer.
+
+Enclosed please find the result.
+
+In the meantime, however, I figure that I have lost $41,894.03 in
+royalties, $74 worth of glory and about 14 cents worth of fame--tough,
+isn't it?
+
+I think my Publisher should be censured for going out golfing and taking
+his fingers off the public pulse.
+
+Don't you?
+
+NOAH LOTT.
+
+  Chestnut Hill
+  June 12th, 1905
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "A--A flush fool."]
+
+A man can drop a lot of dough trying to pick up money.
+
+A fool and his money are soon spotted.
+
+An accommodation liar soon learns to run like an express.
+
+A guilty conscience needs no accuser if you catch him at it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ A:  An adjective, commonly called the indefinite article because
+     the higher the fewer.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A BAS. A French word meaning "S'cat!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A SHARP. A musical term which cannot be explained here, because the
+Musical Union might get sore.
+
+A FLAT. A people coop. Seven rooms and a landlord, with hot and cold gas
+and running servants. A _flat_ is the poor relation of an apartment.
+
+ABROAD. A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands.
+
+ABSCOND. To duck with the dough. From The Latin word _absconditto_,
+meaning to grab the long-green and hike for the Bad Lands.
+
+ABSINTHE. The national headache of the French. A jag-builder which is
+mostly wormwood and bad dreams. A liquid substance which when applied to
+a "holdover" revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice
+the bar-tender.
+
+ABSTAIN. The stepladder which leads up to the water wagon.
+
+ABSTEMIOUS. Having an aisle seat on the water wagon.
+
+ACROBAT. A fellow of infinite chest.
+
+ACCUMULATE. To collect or bring together. For example: "He borrowed two
+dollars from his wife, whereupon he went out and _accumulated_ a
+bunch of boozerine." (Carlyle's Heroes and Hero Worship.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A THING OF BEAUTY. A joy forever until we get used to it.
+
+ALCOHOL. The forefather of a hold-over. Boozerine, in the raw state.
+From the Latin words _alco_ and _haul_, meaning "he is soused
+to the booby hatches, _haul_ him to the _alcove_." (See Lord
+Macaulay's Jags of Ancient Rome.)
+
+AMBITION. The only disease which laziness can cure.
+
+AMUSEMENT. The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an
+appetite for sausage links.
+
+ANGEL. Something behind a show--and always something behind.
+
+APE. To imitate. For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the
+easiest man to make a monkey of.
+
+APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for
+doing our duty.
+
+AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go
+faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder
+blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital.
+
+AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they
+can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its
+origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to
+Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the
+Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the
+newspapers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his
+autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M.
+Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world.
+
+"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the
+ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I
+was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or
+two."
+
+The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It
+starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to
+Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first
+name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a
+stingy habit.
+
+Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story:
+
+"My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely
+young.
+
+"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious
+white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous
+life I was leading.
+
+"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn.
+
+"I became restless.
+
+"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained
+what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world.
+
+"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I
+rose for a distance of four feet.
+
+"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep
+impression upon my mind, and otherwise.
+
+"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could
+rise in the world without his kindly collaboration.
+
+"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a
+sky-remover building.
+
+"The elevator was extremely nervous that day.
+
+"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach
+did not travel with me.
+
+"I spoke to the _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator about it.
+
+"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which
+rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump
+its way downstairs.
+
+"The _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator told me if I did not like
+it to get out and fly.
+
+"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine.
+
+"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the
+world."
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "B--A Skin Game."]
+
+Beauty is only a skin game after all.
+
+Bad beginners make bad finishers.
+
+Birds of a feather flock together on the theatre hats.
+
+Be sure you're ahead--then go right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ B: The second letter of the alphabet. It is called a vocal labial
+    consonant, which, no doubt, serves it right.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAA. To make a noise like a sheep.
+
+BOW-WOW. To make a noise like a dog.
+
+BIFF. To make a noise like a boxing glove.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BAGGAGE. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars
+and a hair brush which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago.
+
+BAD ACTOR. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the
+audience.
+
+BADINAGE. Light or playful discourse. For example. "Why does a chicken
+cross the street? Because the butcher."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there
+again to quench their thirst.
+
+BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a
+piano.
+
+BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry.
+
+BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen.
+
+BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold
+day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer.
+
+It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a
+Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the
+growler.
+
+BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian _bun_, meaning high
+tide. "Yesterday he annexed a _bundle_ and this morning he sits on
+the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare,
+page 18.)
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "C--Coogan thinking about home."]
+
+Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much.
+
+Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the
+wayside.
+
+Coogan says there is no place like home--and he congratulates the other
+places.
+
+Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ C: The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music,
+    especially by _prima donnas_ who try to reach it and fall flat.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which
+seldom gets there. An inland tugboat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CAD. A shine with an extra polish on.
+
+CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale
+jokes.
+
+CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked for.
+Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green, Mazuma, and
+1,000 others.
+
+CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day
+except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself.
+
+CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of
+booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first.
+
+COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead
+men's shoes.
+
+COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to catch a
+sea-serpent.
+
+CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud.
+
+CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she
+jumps off a street car--which is backwards.
+
+CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up.
+
+CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present.
+
+CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he
+self-made himself.
+
+COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made up her mind to
+marry again.
+
+COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of
+matrimony.
+
+CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then
+loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto
+"Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks and runs away
+will live to cook another day."
+
+CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so
+busy drinking.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when
+falls the Ace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates
+better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving conditions
+under which the Czar lives and reigns:--
+
+
+                                                  In The Cellar, To-day.
+
+Dear Tolsey:--My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so
+you must excuse bad spelling.
+
+They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and
+the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will
+write you.
+
+Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which
+gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the
+hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast.
+
+At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the
+iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my
+forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end.
+Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum Shells,
+walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall.
+
+I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What is
+it?"
+
+"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat! Whether
+it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I
+don't know, but we will investigationiski at once."
+
+My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud explosion
+confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom contained something
+more than nine lives.
+
+It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent
+ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new
+furniture.
+
+Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty.
+
+I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear
+copper-fastened pajamas.
+
+I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt
+neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the
+spirit.
+
+At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the Department of
+Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered something suspicious
+in the dish of peeled prunes.
+
+We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free
+tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets
+hastily and saved our lives again.
+
+M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods
+have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way
+from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and there
+some compressed knot-holes.
+
+In a mad moment yesterday I took the Yale lock off my appetite and
+ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the
+spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth: "Woodman, spare
+that tree!" and once more my life was saved.
+
+Ten minutes ago M. Blackandblueski, the Minister of the Department of
+Witch Hazel, rushed into my bulkhead compartment.
+
+"Oxcooski, Your Majesty," said the Minister, "but this morning the
+cookski was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, Your
+Majesty, about two minutes afterwards the cookski and the stove and one
+side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly
+direction. We don't expect them back, because the sausage was stuffed
+with rapid transit material, Your Majesty!"
+
+Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard lines when I
+have to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the
+teapot?
+
+Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the
+outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewellski!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for believing that
+everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In order to study briefly the Custom House system as applied to
+returning travellers let us witness the arrival from abroad of the
+Secretary of the Treasury.
+
+Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay
+there and make expenses he took a slight trip to Europe.
+
+Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the good
+ship "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer."
+
+The Stars and Stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he approached
+the hospitable shores of Fire Island.
+
+"It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of Liberty!" said the
+Secretary, and ten minutes later the "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer" was at
+her dock.
+
+"Ah! how happy I am to be once more where Freedom reigns!" said the
+Secretary as he walked proudly down the gangway plank.
+
+"Wait!"
+
+The speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice.
+
+The Secretary paled his cheeks.
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am an American citizen; leave me pass!" exclaimed the Secretary.
+
+"So am I," said the man with a thick face; "and nothing passes me. You
+have been to Europe, have you not?"
+
+"Do you think I used the 'Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer' to come from Staten
+Island?" asked the Secretary.
+
+The man laughed, loosely.
+
+"Swear!" he said.
+
+"At you?" inquired the Secretary.
+
+"Swear you are not a smuggler," said the roan.
+
+"I ought to kick you for such an insult," said the Secretary.
+
+"Business before pleasure," said the man; "swear that you are not a
+robber."
+
+"I swear," said the Secretary; "inwardly, outwardly, earnestly and
+pictorially, I swear!"
+
+"By the memory of George Washington you swear that you are not a
+smugglesome man?"
+
+"I do," said the Secretary.
+
+"Hold up both hands and swear!"
+
+The Secretary did so.
+
+"With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the Declaration
+of Independence sign this sworn statement," said the man.
+
+The Secretary did so.
+
+"Now that you have sworn I will go through your trunks to see if you are
+a liar!" said the man.
+
+"Surely, you should receive one of my best kicks," said the Secretary.
+
+"Formality first, fun later," said the man, upsetting the largest trunk.
+
+"Aha! what is this?"
+
+"It is a pair of open-work socks," said the Secretary.
+
+"Opened in Europe--yes? Bad business! bad business! I begin to suspect
+you. What is this?"
+
+"That is a pipe which I bought in Baden-Baden," said the Secretary. "I
+am taking it to my cousin in Springfield, Mass., for a souvenir."
+
+"I will help your cousin to stop smoking," said the man, putting the
+pipe in his pocket. "Aha! what is this?"
+
+The Secretary blushed his face.
+
+"What is this?"
+
+"That is my pair of pajamas!" said the Secretary.
+
+"Pajamas?"
+
+"Put them back, please?" said the Secretary. "A man's pajamas are not
+for the vulgar gaze of the world!"
+
+"Pajamas!" said the man.
+
+"My pajamas!" said the Secretary.
+
+"They look like a Chinaman's Sunday trousers--yes?"
+
+The Secretary looked into the pitiless faces of the multitude which was
+gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save small bunches of
+laughter.
+
+"Come!" said the man, "where is the Chink that goes with this wearing
+apparel? Did you hear over the wireless system about the labor strikes
+and try to smuggle in some cheap labor?"
+
+"I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself!" said the Secretary,
+interrupting a sob in his throat.
+
+"You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where?"
+
+"In the secrecy of my boudoir," said the Secretary.
+
+"Aha!" said the man, "so you have some boudoir, too! Bad business! bad
+business! I have never heard of a Boudoir Trust, therefore, we do not
+make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder.
+What is in this bottle?"
+
+"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the
+cough.
+
+"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous."
+
+"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said
+the Secretary.
+
+"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a
+tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a _cafe au lait_ or
+a _cafe chanteuse_ in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is
+always wise to watch him. Open your mouth!"
+
+The Secretary did so.
+
+"What have you been drinking?"
+
+"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary.
+
+"Domestic or imported?"
+
+"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary.
+
+"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man.
+
+"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary.
+
+Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over
+his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka
+amidst the ruins of his dress suit.
+
+"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over.
+
+"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly.
+
+As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow politely
+at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic: "You for the seat
+away back!"
+
+"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that
+my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!"
+
+And he did it.
+
+From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much
+Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald
+spots where it is missing.
+
+If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the
+Custom House.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."]
+
+Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it?
+
+Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did.
+
+Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.
+
+Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See _Dream_.
+
+DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates
+are loosened.
+
+DAMSEL. See Daisy.
+
+DARLING. See your best girl.
+
+DAFFY. See a doctor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.
+
+DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug--especially if she's
+pretty.
+
+DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die.
+
+DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a
+description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge!
+
+DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention.
+
+DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to
+ruin.
+
+DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why
+woman sweeps all before her.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great
+deal."]
+
+Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of
+grammar it uses.
+
+Evil be to him who evil drinketh.
+
+Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new
+deal.
+
+Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ E: The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end
+    of a word--quite unlike some women _you_ know of, eh!
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAR. A place which hears a great many things which should never have
+been said.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EARTH. An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two
+classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers.
+
+EDEN. The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied
+the human race.
+
+ECSTASY. A state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you
+are in a runaway automobile, you are in _ecstasy_ until you hit a
+telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital.
+
+EGOTIST. A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he
+is the greatest ever.
+
+ELBOW. Something you give a man you don't like.
+
+EASTER. A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young
+men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the
+pocketbook, leads on to the milliners.
+
+ELOPE. A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa
+for funds to get home.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal
+only to the spectators.
+
+EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.
+
+ENVY. The root of much criticism.
+
+ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to
+wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars.
+
+EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the
+scholar to run away from school.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "F--There's only one thing to do however."]
+
+Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods.
+
+Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success.
+
+Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she
+knocks on your door.
+
+Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ F: The sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the
+    breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that
+    doesn't seem to worry it any.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FABLE. The story a man thinks his wife believes--and she lets him think
+it.
+
+FAD. See hobby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FADE. To gradually disappear. For example: "I had ten plunks when I went
+out last night, but they faded away." (Lord Palmerston, page 21.)
+
+FAKE. Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level.
+
+FAITH. Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad
+contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along.
+
+FAULT. Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it
+when we find it.
+
+FAMILY. The only cure for race suicide.
+
+FAVOR. Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it.
+
+FLATTERER. A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about
+himself.
+
+FORGER. A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out
+the wrong name.
+
+FRIEND. A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise.
+
+FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for
+the purpose of using them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FOOTBALL. A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the
+Latin words "footibus," meaning "_put the boots to him_," and
+"balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public
+building?" A body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For
+instance:
+
+  Sing a song of football
+    Pockets full of salve;
+  Four and twenty legs all
+    Punctured at the calve.
+  Captain in the hospital
+    Fullback in the soup,
+  Twenty-seven faces
+    Broken in the group.
+  Sophomores and Freshmen
+    Punched around the ring;
+  When the war was over
+    The boys began to sing!
+
+    Raw! Raw! Raw!
+    Raw! Raw! Raw!
+      Stew them!
+      Fry them!
+    Raw! Raw! Raw!
+      Oysters!
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "G--The friends that Gold buys shake hands with two
+fingers."]
+
+Great oaths from little aching corns do grow.
+
+Great minds run in the same channel--especially if they are sea
+captains.
+
+Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife.
+
+Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us
+have names without price.
+
+      *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ G: The seventh letter of the alphabet. Used by the ancients as an
+    expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee!
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GAB. The product of a ball-bearing chin.
+
+GAG. A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian.
+
+GAS. A substance we make light of until the bill comes in. _"You may
+hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas
+company just the same_." (Shakespeare, page 9.)
+
+GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out.
+
+GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please
+Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was
+down in the grocery store.
+
+GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to
+get poorer.
+
+GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast.
+
+GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy.
+
+GENIUS. Something we have in _our_ family--if you don't believe me,
+come and hear our little boy recite.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman.
+
+GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't
+time to prove him otherwise.
+
+GERM. See _microbes_. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a
+magnifying glass.
+
+GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See _dag my buttons!_ See
+any Reub.
+
+GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both.
+A woman who can put two and two together and make five.
+
+GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in
+small change left in the pocket.
+
+GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department
+store.
+
+GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can
+be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward
+applications of diamonds on the chest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian _raconteur_, thus
+describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York,
+as follows:--
+
+I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably.
+
+I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not
+unspeakably.
+
+The ladies, Heaven bless them! seemed to be suffering from that operatic
+disease which is called nervous conversation.
+
+This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the
+curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out.
+
+I also enjoyed the names of the singers.
+
+Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent out by
+a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in the oven
+until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a
+custard pudding.
+
+Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name which
+listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat.
+
+Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain
+Schmidt or Jones.
+
+There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name
+I ever witnessed.
+
+If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day
+bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden.
+
+Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a
+skirmish between the Russians and the Japs.
+
+I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all
+the letters he caught he kept.
+
+I liked the plot of the Opera.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+She was a blonde lady with one of those _embonpoint_ faces which
+must cost a good deal to keep in repair.
+
+The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead
+which had moved into his hair when it was very young.
+
+I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was
+the usher who gave me a seat.
+
+I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent
+and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening
+without taking 32 bars rest.
+
+My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.
+
+The story of the Opera was simple.
+
+A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and
+came out on the stage.
+
+Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies
+went away.
+
+Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.
+
+Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo
+eyes at the tall gentleman.
+
+He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and
+took a couple of high notes.
+
+She took the same.
+
+Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much
+earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous
+exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was
+pitiful.
+
+When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made
+some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.
+
+The story he told was simplicity itself.
+
+Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept
+saying "Aha! aha-eo! I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la-
+la!-aha!-aha-eo! For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one-
+thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!"
+
+Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto,
+ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!"
+
+It was delicious.
+
+But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was
+crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into
+"Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda.
+
+So I stood up and went home.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "H--It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach."]
+
+He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.
+
+How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they
+need!
+
+Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a
+limburger sandwich.
+
+"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because
+    Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!)
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue
+words when you step on a tack.
+
+HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest
+provocation.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the
+purpose of falling out later on.
+
+HARD JOB. Trying to live without working.
+
+HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people
+prefer lemons.
+
+HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to
+the drugstore.
+
+HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human
+beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the
+Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?_"--which means much
+or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.
+
+HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the
+case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes into
+history and cannot get out again.
+
+HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the
+drugstore.
+
+HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end
+seat.
+
+HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The
+excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.
+
+HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a
+transfer to the day after to-morrow.
+
+HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has no show.
+Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until
+the price is known.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife
+something to worry about. See _Fourflush_. Also look in the
+discard.
+
+HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes out
+through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A
+brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.
+
+The word comes from the Swedish language, "_Sockett Toodem_," which
+means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!_"
+
+HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back is
+turned.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "I--When two people quarrel and smile at the same time,
+the third person can go for the separation papers."]
+
+It is a wise son that owes his own father.
+
+It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress.
+
+If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask.
+
+It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to
+run for a policeman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ I: The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in
+    connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.
+
+IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of
+a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis.
+(Milton, page 7.)
+
+IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he
+sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too
+loud on the Sabbath day.
+
+INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer.
+
+IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to
+stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.
+
+INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up
+barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair
+clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or
+not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into
+insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the
+reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild
+foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years.
+
+This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to
+the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and
+scalping knives are a little dull at first.
+
+In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog,
+Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the
+vicinity of an Indian reservation:
+
+"Hist!"
+
+The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted
+barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at
+intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation.
+
+"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber.
+
+"Hist!"
+
+Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant
+horizon.
+
+On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward!
+
+Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop.
+
+Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working
+clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the
+cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors.
+
+The Indian entered the barber shop.
+
+"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely.
+
+"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour
+ago--hence the delay. The bay rum, please!"
+
+"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber.
+
+"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian.
+
+"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber.
+
+"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am not
+for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep me
+waiting!"
+
+The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him.
+
+"What is your name?" he said painfully.
+
+"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly.
+
+"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get
+your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed.
+
+"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely.
+
+Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him.
+
+"Ugh!" said the Indian.
+
+"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in English.
+
+"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo.
+"Well, I am next to this business. You have bay rum and I have a
+thirst--let us get together!"
+
+"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the
+barber.
+
+"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I
+have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!"
+
+"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber.
+
+It was his last whisper in that shop.
+
+Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay
+rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his
+head.
+
+Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow
+black before him.
+
+The barber groaned in agony.
+
+It was thrilling.
+
+When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and
+foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington
+for inventing the barber shop.
+
+That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary,
+walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the
+Interior Department.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "J--The Tip End of the season."]
+
+Jolly not that you be not jollied.
+
+Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain
+if she could see them.
+
+Journeys end in porter tippings.
+
+Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to
+    designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be.
+###
+
+[Illustration: JAY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker.
+
+JOCKEY. A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse
+finishes.
+
+JOKE. Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves.
+
+[Illustration.]
+
+JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face.
+
+JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all.
+
+JOY. Gladness with the lid off.
+
+JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag.
+
+JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in
+reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.
+
+JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "K--A Small boy can spoil the most favorable
+circumstance."]
+
+Kisses go by favorable circumstances.
+
+Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them.
+
+Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're shaving yourself.
+
+Knockers never have weak lungs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ K: The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KEEN. A grafter with a victim in sight.
+
+KENO. What the grafter says when he's through with the victim.
+
+KEEP. The motto of the Trusts.
+
+KEY. An instrument used at 2 A.M. in connection with a door to determine
+whether a man is sober or not.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+KEROSENE. An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out
+through the kitchen roof.
+
+KICKER. A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside.
+
+KISS. A sigh set to music. The oldest monopoly in the world with the
+exception of John D. Rockerfeller. A kiss is the soul's cocktail. A
+wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the
+side.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+KNOCKER. A hurdle in the way of the worthy. A chin-critic. An expert
+with the harpoon.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "L--When a man is so lazy that he won't talk he is
+called profound."]
+
+Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa.
+
+Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue.
+
+Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a
+quarter.
+
+Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who
+has the cash.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ L: The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the
+    purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABOR. Trying to get back the money you loaned.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LADY. A gentleman woman.
+
+LAMB. A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street.
+
+LARK. A bird of a name given to a bird of a time.
+
+LIGHT. An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money.
+
+LITERARY FAILURE. A man whose brain was unfit for publication.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOBSTER. A shine after he gets in the swim.
+
+LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another
+man to collect it.
+
+LOVE. A certain party who is supposed to be blind, but he doesn't seem
+to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "M--One experiment that few are willing to make."]
+
+Money cannot buy happiness, but most of us are willing to make the
+experiment.
+
+Many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were
+sure their friends wouldn't see them.
+
+Money is the root of much friendship.
+
+Marry in haste and repent in Dakota.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+####
+ M: The thirteenth letter of the alphabet, which very few people use
+    because thirteen is unlucky.
+####
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MACARONI. An excuse for opening an Italian restaurant.
+
+MAP. That part of the human face which is visible above the collar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MARVEL. A man who never tells you his troubles.
+
+MEDAL. A gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you
+intended to do anyway.
+
+MEDDLER. The fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a
+medal.
+
+MISER. A man who has all the money he wants but wants more.
+
+MONEY. Something which talks, but a poor man can't keep it long enough
+to know what it says.
+
+[Illustration: 1/1000 MICROBE ENLARGED]
+
+MICROBE. A very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving
+into the system of an entire stranger. Once in it begins to do light
+housekeeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis. (For the
+meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet. If he doesn't
+tell you he's no gentleman.)
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: N ]
+
+No matter how many good things our friends say about us, we are never
+surprised.
+
+Nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's success.
+
+Needless to say, a friend in need is a friend in the soup.
+
+Nothing ventured nothing wonderful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ N: The fourteenth letter of the alphabet, sometimes called a nasal by
+    those who ought to know better.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NABOB. A man who can put on a new suit of clothes every fifteen minutes.
+
+NATION. A large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice.
+For example: Carrie Nation.
+
+NATURE. Something which makes no mistakes, with the exception of a
+crowded street car.
+
+NECESSITY. The mother of many an empty stomach.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NECK. A place to get it in.
+
+NEXT. The battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed.
+
+NIT. An abbreviation of Nix.
+
+NIX. An abbreviation of Nit.
+
+NOPE. An abbreviation of No!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOISE. The sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man.
+
+NODDLE. The place where some people think they think.
+
+NOVEL. A book that sells better than it reads.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "O--A well balanced Head."]
+
+Of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about.
+
+Oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold
+on to his reputation.
+
+Opportunity is something a Fool waits for while the Wise Guy runs down
+the road to meet it.
+
+Occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in
+order to have a well-balanced head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ O: The fifteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally by the Irish
+    in front of their names.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OH! The mild-mannered sister of Ouch!
+
+OATS. A substance invented by Nature and intended for a breakfast food,
+but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete.
+
+OBEY. A word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the
+parties of the first part something to kick about.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+OCULIST. A man many young people should consult who think they have
+fallen in love at first sight.
+
+OIL. See John D. Rockerfeller--if you can.
+
+OLD HEN. The pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the
+roost.
+
+OLIVE. A green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it
+out with his fingers. See _Cherry_.
+
+ONION. A noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us
+in street cars.
+
+OPERA. A device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good
+singer.
+
+OPPORTUNITY. Something never seen until it is not there to be looked at.
+
+ORIGINALITY. The gift some people have of saying the bright things which
+we intended to think about later on.
+
+OSLER. A modern abbreviation of chloroform. An up to date bogie man
+invented for the purpose of chasing "has-beens" to the woods.
+
+OSLERESQUE. The state of being ready for _Oslerizing_. See any man
+over forty.
+
+OSLERISM. The art of picking out a fit subject for the _Osler_
+treatment. "You can lead an old man into a drugstore but you can't make
+him drink chloroform." (Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, page 19.)
+
+OSLERIZE. To pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and
+telephone for the undertaker.
+
+OSLERITIS. An attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became
+epidemic in the newspapers.
+
+OSLEROOZA. A man who believes in _Oslerism_. He is generally a
+young man in love with a girl whose Papa is over forty and who wears No.
+11 shoes of a high voltage.
+
+OSLERETTA. A young woman who believes in _Oslerism_. She is the
+same girl whose Papa has just been mentioned.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "P--Philosophy makes good reading for the man who has
+his rent paid."]
+
+Perseverance is the root of all money.
+
+Perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he
+thinks he is a warm baby.
+
+Pleasure travels with a brass band, but Trouble sneaks in on rubber
+shoes.
+
+Philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ P: The sixteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally in pickled
+    peppers.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAINT. A polite name for balloon juice. See the bartender.
+
+PALPITATION OF THE TONGUE. A disease that affects many women.
+
+PATRIOT. A man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy
+and doesn't hold out $2 for the doctor's bill.
+
+PATHOS. A poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke.
+
+PEACH. A bit of domestic fruit, consisting of blonde tresses, a dimple,
+and three bows of pink ribbon.
+
+PEEKABOO. A summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's
+shirtwaist something like a barb-wire fence with a full view of the
+scenery. It is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven.
+The Peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth.
+
+PENITENTIARY. An assembly hall which always plays to a full house
+because whiskey is it's advance agent.
+
+PHILOSOPHER. A man who can size himself up and forget the result.
+
+PLAN. Something which any fool can lay, but it takes patience like a hen
+to hatch it.
+
+PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+POETICAL LICENSE. A woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name
+of Birdie.
+
+POLITICS. The place where a man gets it--sometimes in the neck,
+sometimes in the bank.
+
+POLITICIAN. The reason we have so much politics.
+
+POPULARITY. The cold storage house where the world sends her favorites
+before she forgets them.
+
+POSTERITY. A lot of people who will forget all about you before they are
+born.
+
+PRACTICAL JOKE. When Nature makes a pink lobster look like a man.
+
+PREDICTION. A bit of funny business invented by the Weather Man for the
+purpose of playing tiddledewinks with the weather. He says what he
+thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PROMISE. What a man says to a woman or a child to keep them quiet.
+
+PRUDE. A female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can
+blush to listen and listen to blush.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "Q--Young writers Outfit."]
+
+Quitters cannot be trained to quit quitting.
+
+Queer, isn't it, that the lazier a man gets the more he wants to work
+somebody else.
+
+Quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists.
+
+Qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ Q: The seventeenth and the most hunted letter in the alphabet, because
+    it is always followed by u.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUACK. A doctor who ducks the law.
+
+QUARREL. Something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe.
+
+QUART. The amount of wine a sport always wants to open.
+
+QUIRE. A bunch of singers in a church. Sometimes called _Choir_,
+sometimes called down. See Scrap, fight, jealousy.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+QUIVER. To shake for the drinks.
+
+QUITTER. A man who stops before he gets started.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "R--The Rolling Stone at the Bottom of the Hill."]
+
+Remember--you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to
+spend your money that way.
+
+Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a
+street car backwards.
+
+Race suicide doesn't appeal to poor people.
+
+Rolling stones gather no moss but look at the excitement they have.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ R: The eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to began
+    a college yell; thus, Rah! Rah! Rah!
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+RAG. A material invented for chewing purposes.
+
+RAKE. A man-about-town after he gets shop worn.
+
+RARE. The way you get roast beef when you order it well done.
+
+REFORM. A bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets
+here.
+
+RETRIBUTION. A man who marries for money and finds it is all in
+Confederate bills.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+RICHES. Something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it,
+because they never flew my way.
+
+ROYSTERER. A man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to
+eat cracked oats in his age.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+RACE-SUICIDE. A disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when
+he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaids steady
+employment. For instance:
+
+
+Rondeau.
+
+  There was a nice old lady and
+    She lived within her shoe;
+  She had so many children that
+    She didn't know what to do.
+  She wrote the President and said
+    "I have twenty kids or more!"
+  The President replied to her
+    "Encore, old girl, encore!"
+  She answered, "I've no room at home
+    For more, so I am through!"
+  And he replied, "Why don't you go
+    And get another shoe?"
+
+--Sir Walter Scott, page 96.
+
+
+RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation
+family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples:
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his
+pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved?
+
+Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's
+mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be
+when the book gets back?
+
+Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor.
+Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How
+long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth?
+
+Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to
+his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them
+he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which
+train did James take and when does Ann expect him back?
+
+Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty
+cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the
+clerks swearing at after Ann went out?
+
+Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter.
+Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head.
+Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube?
+
+Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in
+a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the
+races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the
+grocer?
+
+Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one
+sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four
+nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma
+crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill?
+
+Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour.
+Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers.
+Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she
+received a seat?
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "S--The black Sheep."]
+
+Some people's talk is too cheap at any price.
+
+Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time.
+
+Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that
+a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it.
+
+Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ S: The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant,
+    because it makes a hissing sound like a goose.
+###
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to
+start a church.
+
+SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man.
+
+SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his
+hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women.
+
+SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss.
+
+SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the
+weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day,
+according to the mood the landlord is in.
+
+SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned.
+
+SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting
+till you get it.
+
+STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for
+personal reasons.
+
+SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make
+enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers.
+Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough.
+
+SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are
+parted.
+
+SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a
+corner-stone.
+
+SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are
+chosen. For instance:
+
+      Little Jack Horner
+      Sat in a corner
+  Riding down town on the "L."
+      He jumped to his feet
+      Gave a lady his seat--
+  I'm a liar, but don't it sound well.
+
+--Oliver Goldsmith, page 34.
+
+
+SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"--see
+page 946--as follows:
+
+The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space
+that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers.
+
+The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers run edgeways,
+and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars
+coming.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has
+ever been invented.
+
+The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the
+passengers out with a can-opener.
+
+Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health
+and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards
+and inquire feebly for a sanitarium.
+
+To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all
+that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had.
+
+The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York
+have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the
+brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam,
+Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung.
+
+To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to
+get out again is an assassination.
+
+One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once
+touching the floor with my feet.
+
+Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come
+between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on
+to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a
+windy day.
+
+Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all
+winter to act the part of a refrigerator.
+
+It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars.
+
+In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs.
+
+That is because this country is young and impulsive.
+
+The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often
+follow a stranger all the way home.
+
+Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against
+my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, I did not reach down and
+kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the
+dumb brutes of the field.
+
+Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of
+condensed milk.
+
+The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a
+lemon squeezer.
+
+When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get
+out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your
+knee to lean over.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you
+will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens
+to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't
+go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation.
+
+A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four
+to carry.
+
+The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by
+one of these sardine-cars.
+
+The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars,
+but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the
+rebellious standing on the corner.
+
+We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how
+careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called
+after a cocktail.
+
+This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to
+get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed
+into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us
+into insensibility.
+
+Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an
+alarm clock.
+
+For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages,
+but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of
+strangers he never met before.
+
+One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a
+two-year-old, full of health and happiness.
+
+During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up
+in front of me and removed the scenery.
+
+One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to
+show how sorry he was to leave me.
+
+One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time
+because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my
+lap.
+
+When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and
+if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him.
+
+Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap.
+
+During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares
+I ever rode behind.
+
+The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the
+idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he
+started to play the overture from _William Tell_ until I yelled
+"W'at'ell!"
+
+That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from
+standing on my feet.
+
+Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home.
+
+If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a
+sardine-car is alive he should have a monument.
+
+My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and
+have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare.
+
+Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "T--Blue sky of a Greenish Hue."]
+
+The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke
+he finds he has burned most of them.
+
+The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills.
+
+The mud slinger never has clean hands.
+
+The way of the transgressor is hard on his family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author
+    of the alphabet always drank coffee.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which
+certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See
+_gambling_. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't
+see you first.
+
+TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke.
+
+TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment.
+
+TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may
+hand it back to you with a short-arm jab.
+
+TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip.
+
+THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow.
+
+TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.
+
+THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the
+purpose of driving humanity to drink.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a
+hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it.
+
+TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full.
+
+TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never
+figures in politics because it forgets to register.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "U--Both Ends."]
+
+Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed.
+
+Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives
+talking about home industry.
+
+Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.
+
+Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his
+pocketbook runs dry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some
+    scandal because it is always tagging after Q.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game.
+
+UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to.
+
+UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without
+reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a
+stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she
+spent forty cents for baby's new shoes.
+
+UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "V--Ideas Expressed."]
+
+Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.
+
+Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.
+
+Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.
+
+Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for
+    a five-dollar bill.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with
+his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and
+looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.
+
+VACANT. The top story of a snob.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.
+
+VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose
+smile at the same time.
+
+VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's
+feet at the head of the bed. See _Jag_ and _Soused_.
+
+VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a
+small amount.
+
+VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles,
+with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise,
+noise.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "W--Smile, please!"]
+
+When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.
+
+Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man
+look like 30 cents.
+
+When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always
+turns him down.
+
+When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very
+    well in the matter of a name.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful
+weapon in the hands of a steady spender.
+
+WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace
+that kills.
+
+WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play
+tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the
+weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow,
+with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from
+the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the
+truth, but I don't need the money."
+
+WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son.
+
+WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "X--The Old School."]
+
+Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night
+school.
+
+Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good
+fashion.
+
+Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance.
+
+Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over
+again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in
+    that very few words are fastened to it.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+X. That ten dollars you loaned some time ago.
+
+XTRACTOR. The fellow you loaned it to.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+XCITEMENT. What happened when you tried to get it back.
+
+X-RAYS. A machine you'll have to use to find your X.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "Y--Men have been known to Listen."]
+
+You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag.
+
+Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend.
+
+Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never
+get rich.
+
+You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be,
+unless he gets on the wrong car.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ Y: The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous
+    nature because it's always in rye. (Mercy!)
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YAP. The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway.
+
+YACHT. A device which eats up money and yells for more.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+YOKE. The way a Swede says joke.
+
+YESTERDAY. The day upon which our ship should have arrived.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "Z--Falling Out of Love."]
+
+Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl.
+
+Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience.
+
+Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties
+concerned.
+
+Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man
+with money to believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+###
+ Z: The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it.
+###
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ZEAL. The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs.
+
+ZEBRA. An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z.
+
+ZERO. The place where the cold waves come from.
+
+ZIP. The same as _Zow_.
+
+ZOW. The same as _Zip_.
+
+ZOO. A garden scented by wild animals.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ZABO. A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff.
+
+
+
+
+APPENDIX.
+
+(This part of the book may be cut out.)
+
+
+AUTOMOBILES.
+
+A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By
+All Automobile Societies.
+
+
+The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser.
+
+It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the
+livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a
+ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void.
+
+Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the
+_Chauffeur_, because he knows which way to jump out.
+
+_Chauffeur_ is the name of the man who points the machine at you
+and dares you to get out of the way.
+
+We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a
+horseless wagon when it goes real fast.
+
+That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the
+French.
+
+_Chauffeur_ was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should
+give it back at the first opportunity.
+
+The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's
+Delight," because it lived up to its name.
+
+Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be
+composed which would help the general public to die easier when
+automobo-annihilated.
+
+Here are the rules:
+
+
+1.--One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business
+men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone
+indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the
+street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very
+bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's
+bills.
+
+2.--Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to
+the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely,
+and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who
+refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely.
+
+3.--Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to
+the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest,
+doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general
+elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the
+distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested,
+tried, convicted and sent to Siberia.
+
+4.--Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal
+for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees,
+statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short
+cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to
+obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its
+way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over.
+
+5.--Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to
+all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the
+vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals
+and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of
+harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will
+do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be
+excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the
+meaning of vicinage.
+
+6.--Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to
+conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay,
+lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the
+passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen
+on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage
+and compel them to drink gasoline.
+
+7.--One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood
+not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe
+this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six
+consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction.
+
+8.--Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout
+means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells,
+and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden
+appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of
+this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can
+attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the
+vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban
+part of the head of the offending coal cart director.
+
+9.--If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion
+for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of
+pleasure and a joy forever.
+
+
+
+
+LITTLE BLASTS OF HOT AIR.
+
+
+Life is a tragedy, and that's the best reason why it should be well
+acted.
+
+What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people
+along.
+
+A fault-finder is a home-made knocker.
+
+Every woman jumps quickly from mice and at conclusions.
+
+"Don't be a clam," must be wisdom on the half shell.
+
+The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker.
+
+Hot air is mighty, and will prevail in politics.
+
+A fool and his money is the root of much laughter.
+
+
+
+
+INSOMNIA.
+
+How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure.
+
+
+1.--Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner.
+By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will
+be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed.
+
+2.--Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special
+attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs. This
+will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance
+and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept
+the rest of the household awake as well as yourself.
+
+3.--Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset
+the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize
+what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become
+so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper
+during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing.
+
+4.--Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body
+and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then
+be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either
+of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia.
+
+5.--Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe
+pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a
+grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into
+convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you
+will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by
+listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the
+other members of the household.
+
+6.--Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before
+retiring. If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and
+you may then go about your daily labor with the happy consciousness that
+you have saved the bed clothes a great deal of wear and tear.
+
+7.--Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular
+care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a
+tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side. It is also
+calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your
+feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with
+an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant
+diversion in a sleepless night.
+
+8.--Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear
+thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if
+you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and
+count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the
+folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you
+know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them
+burgle--you have business of your own to attend to. A man with a
+thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling
+details.
+
+
+
+
+WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES.
+
+
+All is not cold that shivers.
+
+Success never shakes hands with a lazy man.
+
+An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the
+divorce court.
+
+The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his
+brains.
+
+Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an
+angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him.
+
+If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many
+times a day would we be insulted.
+
+
+
+
+WHIST.
+
+Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game.
+
+
+Whist is a well known game with cards. It requires close attention and
+silence. Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their
+partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never
+learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never
+fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it, however, but
+politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide
+world.
+
+The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the
+intricacies of the delightful game of whist. If they do not help you the
+only thing to do is to try pinochle:--
+
+Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick.
+It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then
+your opponents may feel deeply chagrined.
+
+Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen
+words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear
+you, and scowl darkly at you.
+
+Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or
+she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and
+resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to
+look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had
+sense enough to mind your own business.
+
+Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The
+limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now
+say eighteen.
+
+Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption fits
+are very bad form, and they delay the game.
+
+Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It
+shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table,
+especially if you are in a strange house.
+
+Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is
+not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. It has a much better
+effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El
+Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer."
+
+Don't talk politics while playing whist. Either whist or politics will
+suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of
+34,647,933 it is whist that suffers.
+
+Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile
+disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular
+arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor
+your facial expression may be ruined for life.
+
+Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no
+right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or
+refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac
+for so doing.
+
+Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a
+winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make
+kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor.
+
+Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then
+get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted
+to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air.
+Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood.
+
+Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the
+table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it
+makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers.
+
+Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It
+draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws
+uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the
+use of a club.
+
+Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts
+your ace to sleep with a little trump. Trumps were invented for that
+purpose, and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty.
+
+
+
+
+A FEW HARMLESS GERMS.
+
+
+How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time.
+
+A Miss is as good as a mile of Misses--if you love the girl.
+
+The horseshoe is always lucky--when the horse wins.
+
+A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time.
+
+One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the
+earth.
+
+Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get your name in the papers
+so often.
+
+
+
+
+BASEBALL.
+
+Being a Guide for the Grouchy Grandstandee.
+
+
+These "do nots" have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with
+a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery
+climbs out over his collar, and who shows symptoms of being dazed and
+disorderly during the progress of a game.
+
+Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the
+slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting you had
+better get up on the back of the seat also.
+
+Don't stop to make a careful selection of the English language before
+addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking.
+Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be
+glad to get out.
+
+Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate
+neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a
+man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself.
+
+Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of
+the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to
+the game especially to hear your views on this subject.
+
+Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the
+home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at
+times, and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade
+hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterbeerean voice.
+
+Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening--and, if your voice is
+as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the Western
+Hemisphere will have to listen--that you know more about the game than
+Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother, Methuselah. Under certain
+circumstances modesty is a crime; therefore, you should not commit a
+crime by withholding this information.
+
+Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will
+notice it if you do, and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you
+think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's
+ears as the sweet strains of a whiskey-trimmed voice ringing softly on
+the evening air: "Hey, red-light, youse is a robber an' a thief!"
+Umpires love to be criticised in this manner. With every criticism they
+brace up wonderfully, and their straying sense of justice returns.
+You've noticed this fact, of course.
+
+Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember, it is very
+hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides, if he does, and
+jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your
+slats, you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and
+come to your assistance.
+
+Don't forget to use the most blood-curdling and decorative style of
+language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of
+hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all
+quarters, and will stamp you as a gentleman of the aber-nit style of
+architecture.
+
+Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you
+who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they
+cannot enjoy you and your lung-power exhibit, they should stay at home.
+Keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a
+consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into his
+cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in
+witch hazel, and get ready for the morrow.
+
+
+
+
+BURSTS OF CONFIDENCE.
+
+
+A trouble-hunter always makes a success of his job.
+
+The girl who hesitates is left at the hitching post.
+
+The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous.
+
+The wise man saves up for a rainy day, and always stays in the house
+when it storms.
+
+It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances.
+
+Some men are like a phonograph--they talk when you start them, but they
+have no originality.
+
+
+
+
+THE POOR MAN'S COOK BOOK.
+
+(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.)
+
+
+This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the
+hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat
+and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs
+the money.
+
+The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us
+begin with the soup:
+
+
+MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.--Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and
+draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the
+feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle
+a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a
+blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of
+a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the
+saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side.
+
+BEEF TEA.--Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it
+is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown
+it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg
+over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco
+and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon
+in the finger bowl.
+
+MOCK BEEFSTEAK.--Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them
+away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon
+as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten
+minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the
+face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to
+sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley
+can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no
+green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it
+simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not
+done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is
+your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve
+hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in
+the family use both shoes.
+
+IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in
+a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and
+hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish
+the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato
+begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as
+not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce
+dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust
+has ever invented for the poor man.
+
+MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a
+spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas
+trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a
+saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a
+pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a
+little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle
+rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar.
+This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is
+now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner
+eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.
+
+IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is
+a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its
+teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in
+a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two
+hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids
+digestion.
+
+OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of
+the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers
+from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and
+add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water
+before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with
+watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at
+the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to
+suggest it.
+
+MOCK GIBLETS.--Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with
+chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that
+you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them
+sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let
+them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams.
+Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some
+people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is
+only for the wealthy.
+
+IMITATION PRUNE PIE.--Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully.
+Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot
+oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger.
+Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them.
+
+BREAKFAST BACON.--Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the
+interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them
+sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them
+sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the
+griddle.
+
+SARATOGA CHIPS.--The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove
+the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them
+and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side.
+
+MOCK BAKED BEANS.--Take as many buttons as the family can afford and
+remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir
+gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and
+let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the
+location you find yourself living on the map.
+
+OATMEAL PUDDING.--Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board
+and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two
+hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate
+it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and
+add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea
+is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust.
+
+HAMBURGER STEAK.--Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is
+nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an
+over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the
+moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth
+for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and
+slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of
+potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes
+closed tight.
+
+APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the
+ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple
+from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper
+will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take
+the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the
+blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it
+boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to
+him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the
+Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"
+
+IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and
+select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words
+coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen.
+Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's
+pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous
+animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare
+the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can
+obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After
+Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish.
+Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle
+for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese
+napkins.
+
+MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the
+handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast
+food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the
+whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of
+salt on the northwestern end.
+
+MOCK CLAMS.--Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of
+tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a
+dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.
+
+
+
+THE FINISH.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott
+
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+
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