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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15705-h.zip b/15705-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..668e54b --- /dev/null +++ b/15705-h.zip diff --git a/15705-h/15705-h.htm b/15705-h/15705-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..54fd9b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/15705-h/15705-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5192 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<meta content="pg2html (binary v0.18b)" name="generator" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of + The Silly Syclopedia + by Noah Lott. +</title> +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + * { font-family: serif; } + body { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; } + p { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + font-size: 100%; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { text-align: center; } + hr { width: 50%; clear: both;} + hr.full { width: 100%; clear: both;} + .foot { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 85%; } + .poem { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left; } + .poem .stanza { margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; } + .poem p { margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em; } + .poem p.i2 { margin-left: 1.5em; } + .poem p.i4 { margin-left: 2.5em; } + .poem p.i6 { margin-left: 3.5em; } + .poem p.i16 { margin-left: 8.5em; } + .poem p.i50 { margin-left: 25.5em; } + .quote { margin-left: 6%; margin-right: 6%; text-indent: 0em; font-size: 90%; } + .toc { margin: 0em .5em 0em .5em; } + center { padding: 0.8em;} + .figure {padding: 0; margin-left:25%; margin-right: 25%;} + .fig-l {padding: 0.5em 1.5em 0.5em 0em; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em; float: left; clear: both;} + .fig-r {padding: 0.5em 0em 0.5em 1.5em; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em; margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em; float: right; clear: none;} + .figure img {border: none;} + .drop {padding: 0em 0.5em 0em 0em; margin: 0em 0.5em 1em 0em; float: left; height: 6em; } + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; display: none;} +/*]]>*/ + // --> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Silly Syclopedia + +Author: Noah Lott + +Release Date: April 25, 2005 [EBook #15705] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SILLY SYCLOPEDIA *** + + + + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, David Garcia and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div style="height: 2em;"><br /><br /></div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page1" name="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page2" name="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + +<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/frontis.jpg" style="width: 100%;" +alt="Digging for Daffynishuns" /><br /> +<br /> +<span style="float: left;"><i>DIGGING FOR DAFFYNISHUNS</i></span> +</div> +</center> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page3" name="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> +</p> + +<div style="margin-left: 15%;"> +<h1 style="text-align: left;"> +<span style="font-size: 50%; float:left; line-height: 1em; text-align: center;"> +T<br />H<br />E +</span> + SILLY SYCLOPEDIA +</h1> +</div> + +<img class="fig-l" src="images/title-b.png" style="margin-left: 15%; width: 3em; clear:none;" alt="" /> +<img class="fig-r" src="images/title-b.png" style="margin-right: 15%; width: 3em; clear:none;" alt="" /> + +<p style="text-indent: 0;"> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-a.png" alt="A" /> +A Terrible Thing in the Form of a Literary Torpedo which is Launched +for HILARIOUS PURPOSES ONLY Inaccurate in Every Particular Containing +Copious Etymological Derivations and Other Useless Things +</p> + +<div style="height: 2em;"><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> +<span style="font-size: 50%;"> +<i>By</i> +</span> +<br /> +<i>NOAH LOTT</i> +</h2> + +<p style="text-indent: 0; text-align: center;"> +(An Ex-relative of Noah Webster) +</p> + +<div style="height: 2em;"><br /><br /></div> + +<p style="text-indent: 0; text-align: center;"> +Embellished with Numerous and +<br /> +Distracting CUTS and DIAGRAMS by +</p> + +<h3> +LOUIS F. GRANT +</h3> + +<p style="text-indent: 0; text-align: center; clear:both;" > +G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY <br /> +PUBLISHERS NEW YORK +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page4" name="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0;"> +Copyright, 1905, by <br /> +G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY +</p> +<hr style="width:12%;" /> +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0;"> +<i>Entered at Stationers' Hall</i> +</p> +<hr style="width:12%;" /> +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0;"> +Issued July, 1905 +</p> + +<p style="text-indent: 0;"> +<i>The Silly Syclopedia</i> +</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div style="height: 2em;"><br /><br /></div> + +<h2>Contents</h2> +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0;"> +<a href="#h2H_PREF">PREFACE.</a> +<br /> +<a href="#h2H_APPE">APPENDIX.</a> +</p> +<hr /> +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0;"> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0003">A</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0008">B</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0012">C</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0017">D</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0021">E</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0025">F</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0029">G</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0033">H</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0037">I</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0041">J</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0045">K</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0049">L</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0053">M</a></span> +<br /> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0057">N</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0061">O</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0064">P</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0068">Q</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0071">R</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0076">S</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0082">T</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0085">U</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0088">V</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0091">W</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0094">X</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0097">Y</a></span> +<span class="toc"><a href="#image-0100">Z</a></span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 2em;"><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page5" name="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"> Lives of great men all remind us </p> +<p class="i4"> Life is really not worth while </p> +<p class="i2"> If we cannot leave behind us </p> +<p class="i4"> Some excuses for a smile! </p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page6" name="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> +<i>To</i> +<br /> +MY AUTOMOBILE. +</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"> Which when I read it some </p> +<p class="i4"> Of these Brain-throbs </p> +<p class="i2"> Jumped over the fence, climbed a </p> +<p class="i2"> Telegraph pole, burst its </p> +<p class="i2"> Cylinder head, exploded all its </p> +<p class="i2"> Tires </p> +<p class="i2"> And then turned around and </p> +<p class="i4"> Barked at me. </p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page7" name="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> +ABBREVIATIONS USED IN THIS WORK +</h2> + +<table border="0" align="center" summary="Abbreviations"> +<tr><td> A.b. </td><td>At the bat. </td></tr> +<tr><td> B.i. </td><td>Butt in. </td></tr> +<tr><td> C.o. </td><td>Catch on. </td></tr> +<tr><td> D.t.l. </td><td>Down the line. </td></tr> +<tr><td> E.s. </td><td>Easy street. </td></tr> +<tr><td> I.t.n. </td><td>In the neck. </td></tr> +<tr><td> I.u.t.y. </td><td>It's up to you. </td></tr> +<tr><td> I.f.M. </td><td>I'm from Missouri. </td></tr> +<tr><td> M.m.t.s. </td><td>Make mine the same. </td></tr> +<tr><td> N.g. </td><td>Nice gentleman. </td></tr> +<tr><td> O.t.l. </td><td>On the level. </td></tr> +<tr><td> P.d.q. </td><td>Pass the butter. </td></tr> +<tr><td> T.l. </td><td>The limit. </td></tr> +</table> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page8" name="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page9" name="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_PREF" id="h2H_PREF"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + PREFACE. +</h2> +<p> +Some eighteen months ago I took this brilliant bunch of brain burrs to +my esteemed Publisher and with much enthusiasm invited him to spend a +lot of money thereon. +</p> +<p> +The Main Stem in the Works informed me that he had his fingers on the +public pulse and just as soon as that pulse began to jump and yell for +something from my fiery pen he would throw the <i>Silly Syclopedia</i> +at it. +</p> +<p> +Then he placed my MS. in the forward turret of his steel-armored safe, +gave me a fairly good cigar and began to look hard in the direction of +the elevator. +</p> +<p> +Last week, while searching for some missing government bonds, my +Publisher found my sadly neglected MS. He at once reached over and +grabbed the public pulse. To his astonishment it was jumping and making +signs in my direction. +</p> +<p> +In a frenzied effort to make up for lost time my publisher then yelled +feverishly for a printer. +</p> +<p> +Enclosed please find the result. +</p> +<p> +In the meantime, however, I figure that I have lost $41,894.03 in +royalties, $74 worth of glory and about 14 cents worth of fame—tough, +isn't it? +</p> +<p> +I think my Publisher should be censured for going out golfing and taking +his fingers off the public pulse. +</p> +<p> +Don't you? +</p> +<p style="text-align:right;"> +NOAH LOTT. +</p> + +<p class="quote"> +Chestnut Hill <br /> +June 12th, 1905 +</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page10" name="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page11" name="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-a.png" alt="'A - A flush fool.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +A man can drop a lot of dough trying to pick up money. +</p> +<p> +A fool and his money are soon spotted. +</p> +<p> +An accommodation liar soon learns to run like an express. +</p> +<p> +A guilty conscience needs no accuser if you catch him at it. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page12" name="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page13" name="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-a.png" alt="A" /> +<p> +An adjective, commonly called the indefinite article because +the higher the fewer. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p> +A BAS. A French word meaning "S'cat!" +</p> + +<a name="image-0005"><!--IMG--></a> + +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-a-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +A SHARP. A musical term which cannot be explained here, because the +Musical Union might get sore. +</p> +<p> +A FLAT. A people coop. Seven rooms and a landlord, with hot and cold gas +and running servants. A <i>flat</i> is the poor relation of an apartment. +</p> +<p> +ABROAD. A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands. +</p> +<p> +ABSCOND. To duck with the dough. From The Latin word <i>absconditto</i>, +meaning to grab the long-green and hike for the Bad Lands. +</p> +<p> +ABSINTHE. The national headache of the French. A jag-builder which is +mostly wormwood and bad dreams. A liquid substance which when applied to +a "holdover" revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice +the bar-tender. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page14" name="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> +</p> +<p> +ABSTAIN. The stepladder which leads up to the water wagon. +</p> +<p> +ABSTEMIOUS. Having an aisle seat on the water wagon. +</p> +<p> +ACROBAT. A fellow of infinite chest. +</p> +<p> +ACCUMULATE. To collect or bring together. For example: "He borrowed two +dollars from his wife, whereupon he went out and <i>accumulated</i> a +bunch of boozerine." (Carlyle's Heroes and Hero Worship.) +</p> +<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-a-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +A THING OF BEAUTY. A joy forever until we get used to it. +</p> +<p> +ALCOHOL. The forefather of a hold-over. Boozerine, in the raw state. +From the Latin words <i>alco</i> and <i>haul</i>, meaning "he is soused +to the booby hatches, <i>haul</i> him to the <i>alcove</i>." (See Lord +Macaulay's Jags of Ancient Rome.) +</p> +<p> +AMBITION. The only disease which laziness can cure. +</p> +<p> +AMUSEMENT. The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an +appetite for sausage links. +</p> +<p> +ANGEL. Something behind a show—and always something behind. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page15" name="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> +</p> +<p> +APE. To imitate. For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the +easiest man to make a monkey of. +</p> +<p> +APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for +doing our duty. +</p> +<p> +AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go +faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder +blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital. +</p> +<p> +AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they +can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its +origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to +Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the +Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.) +</p> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-a-3.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the +newspapers. +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his +autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M. +Santos—see page 97—"was for an opportunity to rise in the world. +</p> +<p> +"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the +ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I +was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or +two." +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page16" name="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> +</p> +<p> +The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It +starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to +Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first +name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a +stingy habit. +</p> +<p> +Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story: +</p> +<p> +"My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely +young. +</p> +<p> +"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious +white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous +life I was leading. +</p> +<p> +"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn. +</p> +<p> +"I became restless. +</p> +<p> +"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained +what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world. +</p> +<p> +"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I +rose for a distance of four feet. +</p> +<p> +"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep +impression upon my mind, and otherwise. +</p> +<p> +"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could +rise in the world without his kindly collaboration. +</p> +<p> +"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a +sky-remover building. +</p> +<p> +"The elevator was extremely nervous that day. +</p> +<p> +"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach +did not travel with me. +</p> +<p> +"I spoke to the <i>charge d'affaires</i> of the elevator about it. +</p> +<p> +"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which +rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump +its way downstairs. +</p> +<p> +"The <i>charge d'affaires</i> of the elevator told me if I did not like +it to get out and fly. +</p> +<p> +"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine. +</p> +<p> +"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the +world." +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page17" name="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-b.png" alt="'B - A Skin Game.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Beauty is only a skin game after all. +</p> +<p> +Bad beginners make bad finishers. +</p> +<p> +Birds of a feather flock together on the theatre hats. +</p> +<p> +Be sure you're ahead—then go right. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page18" name="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page19" name="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0009"><!--IMG--></a> + +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-b.png" alt="B" /> + +<p> +The second letter of the alphabet. It is called a vocal labial +consonant, which, no doubt, serves it right. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +BAA. To make a noise like a sheep. +</p> +<p> +BOW-WOW. To make a noise like a dog. +</p> +<p> +BIFF. To make a noise like a boxing glove. +</p> +<a name="image-0010"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-b-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +BAGGAGE. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars +and a hair brush which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago. +</p> +<p> +BAD ACTOR. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the +audience. +</p> +<p> +BADINAGE. Light or playful discourse. For example. "Why does a chicken +cross the street? Because the butcher." +</p> +<a name="image-0011"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-b-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there +again to quench their thirst. +</p> +<p> +BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a +piano. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page20" name="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span> +</p> +<p> +BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry. +</p> +<p> +BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen. +</p> +<p> +BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold +day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer. +</p> +<p> +It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a +Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the +growler. +</p> +<p> +BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian <i>bun</i>, meaning high +tide. "Yesterday he annexed a <i>bundle</i> and this morning he sits on +the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare, +page 18.) +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page21" name="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0012"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-c.png" alt="'C - Coogan thinking about home.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much. +</p> +<p> +Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the +wayside. +</p> +<p> +Coogan says there is no place like home—and he congratulates the other +places. +</p> +<p> +Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page22" name="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page23" name="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0013"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-c.png" alt="C" /> +<p> +The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music, +especially by <i>prima donnas</i> who try to reach it and fall flat. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p> +CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which +seldom gets there. An inland tugboat. +</p> +<a name="image-0014"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-c-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +CAD. A shine with an extra polish on. +</p> +<p> +CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale +jokes. +</p> +<p> +CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked for. +Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green, Mazuma, and +1,000 others. +</p> +<p> +CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day +except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself. +</p> +<p> +CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of +booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first. +</p> +<p> +COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead +men's shoes. +</p> +<p> +COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to catch a +sea-serpent. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page24" name="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> +</p> +<p> +CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud. +</p> +<p> +CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she +jumps off a street car—which is backwards. +</p> +<p> +CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up. +</p> +<p> +CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present. +</p> +<p> +CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he +self-made himself. +</p> +<p> +COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made up her mind to +marry again. +</p> +<p> +COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of +matrimony. +</p> +<p> +CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight. +</p> +<a name="image-0015"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-c-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then +loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto +"Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks and runs away +will live to cook another day." +</p> +<p> +CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so +busy drinking. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page25" name="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0016"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-c-3.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when +falls the Ace." +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates +better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving conditions +under which the Czar lives and reigns:— +</p> +<p style="text-align: right;">In The Cellar, To-day. </p> +<p> +Dear Tolsey:—My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so +you must excuse bad spelling. +</p> +<p> +They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and +the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will +write you. +</p> +<p> +Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which +gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the +hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast. +</p> +<p> +At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the +iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my +forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end. +Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum Shells, +walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall. +</p> +<p> +I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What is +it?" +</p> +<p> +"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat! Whether +it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I +don't know, but we will investigationiski at once." +</p> +<p> +My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud explosion +confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom contained something +more than nine lives. +</p> +<p> +It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent +ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new +furniture. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page26" name="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> +</p> +<p> +Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty. +</p> +<p> +I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear +copper-fastened pajamas. +</p> +<p> +I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt +neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the +spirit. +</p> +<p> +At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the Department of +Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered something suspicious +in the dish of peeled prunes. +</p> +<p> +We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free +tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets +hastily and saved our lives again. +</p> +<p> +M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods +have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way +from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and there +some compressed knot-holes. +</p> +<p> +In a mad moment yesterday I took the Yale lock off my appetite and +ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the +spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth: "Woodman, spare +that tree!" and once more my life was saved. +</p> +<p> +Ten minutes ago M. Blackandblueski, the Minister of the Department of +Witch Hazel, rushed into my bulkhead compartment. +</p> +<p> +"Oxcooski, Your Majesty," said the Minister, "but this morning the +cookski was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, Your +Majesty, about two minutes afterwards the cookski and the stove and one +side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly +direction. We don't expect them back, because the sausage was stuffed +with rapid transit material, Your Majesty!" +</p> +<p> +Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard lines when I +have to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the +teapot? +</p> +<p> +Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the +outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewellski! +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page27" name="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for believing that +everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +In order to study briefly the Custom House system as applied to +returning travellers let us witness the arrival from abroad of the +Secretary of the Treasury. +</p> +<p> +Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay +there and make expenses he took a slight trip to Europe. +</p> +<p> +Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the good +ship "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer." +</p> +<p> +The Stars and Stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he approached +the hospitable shores of Fire Island. +</p> +<p> +"It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of Liberty!" said the +Secretary, and ten minutes later the "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer" was at +her dock. +</p> +<p> +"Ah! how happy I am to be once more where Freedom reigns!" said the +Secretary as he walked proudly down the gangway plank. +</p> +<p> +"Wait!" +</p> +<p> +The speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice. +</p> +<p> +The Secretary paled his cheeks. +</p> +<p> +"Who are you?" +</p> +<p> +"I am an American citizen; leave me pass!" exclaimed the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"So am I," said the man with a thick face; "and nothing passes me. You +have been to Europe, have you not?" +</p> +<p> +"Do you think I used the 'Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer' to come from Staten +Island?" asked the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +The man laughed, loosely. +</p> +<p> +"Swear!" he said. +</p> +<p> +"At you?" inquired the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Swear you are not a smuggler," said the roan. +</p> +<p> +"I ought to kick you for such an insult," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Business before pleasure," said the man; "swear that you are not a +robber." +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page28" name="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> +</p> +<p> +"I swear," said the Secretary; "inwardly, outwardly, earnestly and +pictorially, I swear!" +</p> +<p> +"By the memory of George Washington you swear that you are not a +smugglesome man?" +</p> +<p> +"I do," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Hold up both hands and swear!" +</p> +<p> +The Secretary did so. +</p> +<p> +"With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the Declaration +of Independence sign this sworn statement," said the man. +</p> +<p> +The Secretary did so. +</p> +<p> +"Now that you have sworn I will go through your trunks to see if you are +a liar!" said the man. +</p> +<p> +"Surely, you should receive one of my best kicks," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Formality first, fun later," said the man, upsetting the largest trunk. +</p> +<p> +"Aha! what is this?" +</p> +<p> +"It is a pair of open-work socks," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Opened in Europe—yes? Bad business! bad business! I begin to suspect +you. What is this?" +</p> +<p> +"That is a pipe which I bought in Baden-Baden," said the Secretary. "I +am taking it to my cousin in Springfield, Mass., for a souvenir." +</p> +<p> +"I will help your cousin to stop smoking," said the man, putting the +pipe in his pocket. "Aha! what is this?" +</p> +<p> +The Secretary blushed his face. +</p> +<p> +"What is this?" +</p> +<p> +"That is my pair of pajamas!" said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Pajamas?" +</p> +<p> +"Put them back, please?" said the Secretary. "A man's pajamas are not +for the vulgar gaze of the world!" +</p> +<p> +"Pajamas!" said the man. +</p> +<p> +"My pajamas!" said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"They look like a Chinaman's Sunday trousers—yes?" +</p> +<p> +The Secretary looked into the pitiless faces of the multitude which was +gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save small bunches of +laughter. +</p> +<p> +"Come!" said the man, "where is the Chink that goes with this wearing +apparel? Did you hear over the wireless + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page29" name="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + +system about the labor strikes and try to smuggle in some cheap labor?" +</p> +<p> +"I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself!" said the Secretary, +interrupting a sob in his throat. +</p> +<p> +"You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where?" +</p> +<p> +"In the secrecy of my boudoir," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Aha!" said the man, "so you have some boudoir, too! Bad business! bad +business! I have never heard of a Boudoir Trust, therefore, we do not +make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder. +What is in this bottle?" +</p> +<p> +"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the +cough. +</p> +<p> +"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous." +</p> +<p> +"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said +the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a +tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a <i>cafe au lait</i> or +a <i>cafe chanteuse</i> in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is +always wise to watch him. Open your mouth!" +</p> +<p> +The Secretary did so. +</p> +<p> +"What have you been drinking?" +</p> +<p> +"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"Domestic or imported?" +</p> +<p> +"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man. +</p> +<p> +"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary. +</p> +<p> +Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over +his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka +amidst the ruins of his dress suit. +</p> +<p> +"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over. +</p> +<p> +"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly. +</p> +<p> +As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page30" name="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + +seemed to bow politely at him and whisper with a voice slightly +sarcastic: "You for the seat away back!" +</p> +<p> +"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that +my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!" +</p> +<p> +And he did it. +</p> +<p> +From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much +Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald +spots where it is missing. +</p> +<p> +If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the +Custom House. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page31" name="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0017"><!--IMG--></a> + +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-d.png" alt="'D - Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + + +<p> +Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it? +</p> +<p> +Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did. +</p> +<p> +Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush. +</p> +<p> +Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page32" name="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page33" name="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0018"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-d.png" alt="D" /> + +<p> +The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p> +DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See <i>Dream</i>. +</p> +<p> +DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates +are loosened. +</p> +<p> +DAMSEL. See Daisy. +</p> +<p> +DARLING. See your best girl. +</p> +<p> +DAFFY. See a doctor. +</p> +<a name="image-0019"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-d-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night. +</p> +<p> +DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth. +</p> +<a name="image-0020"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-d-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug—especially if she's +pretty. +</p> +<p> +DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page34" name="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> +</p> +<p> +DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a +description of another woman's wearing apparel—oh, fudge! +</p> +<p> +DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention. +</p> +<p> +DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to +ruin. +</p> +<p> +DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why +woman sweeps all before her. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page35" name="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0021"><!--IMG--></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-e.png" alt="'E - And when she marries her fourth husband its a great deal.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of +grammar it uses. +</p> +<p> +Evil be to him who evil drinketh. +</p> +<p> +Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him—then it's a new +deal. +</p> +<p> +Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page36" name="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" name="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0022"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-e.png" alt="E" /> +<p> +The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end +of a word—quite unlike some women <i>you</i> know of, eh! +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +EAR. A place which hears a great many things which should never have +been said. +</p> +<a name="image-0023"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-e-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +EARTH. An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two +classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers. +</p> +<p> +EDEN. The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied +the human race. +</p> +<p> +ECSTASY. A state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you +are in a runaway automobile, you are in <i>ecstasy</i> until you hit a +telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital. +</p> +<p> +EGOTIST. A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he +is the greatest ever. +</p> +<p> +ELBOW. Something you give a man you don't like. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" name="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> +</p> +<p> +EASTER. A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young +men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the +pocketbook, leads on to the milliners. +</p> +<p> +ELOPE. A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa +for funds to get home. +</p> +<a name="image-0024"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-e-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal +only to the spectators. +</p> +<p> +EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker. +</p> +<p> +ENVY. The root of much criticism. +</p> +<p> +ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to +wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars. +</p> +<p> +EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the +scholar to run away from school. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page39" name="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0025"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-f.png" alt="'F - There's only one thing to do however.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods. +</p> +<p> +Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success. +</p> +<p> +Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she +knocks on your door. +</p> +<p> +Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" name="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0026"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-f.png" alt="F" /> + +<p> +The sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the +breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that +doesn't seem to worry it any. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +FABLE. The story a man thinks his wife believes—and she lets him think +it. +</p> +<p> +FAD. See hobby. +</p> +<a name="image-0027"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-f-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +FADE. To gradually disappear. For example: "I had ten plunks when I went +out last night, but they faded away." (Lord Palmerston, page 21.) +</p> +<p> +FAKE. Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level. +</p> +<p> +FAITH. Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad +contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along. +</p> +<p> +FAULT. Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it +when we find it. +</p> +<p> +FAMILY. The only cure for race suicide. +</p> +<p> +FAVOR. Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it. +</p> +<p> +FLATTERER. A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about +himself. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page42" name="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> +</p> +<p> +FORGER. A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out +the wrong name. +</p> +<p> +FRIEND. A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise. +</p> +<p> +FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for +the purpose of using them. +</p> +<a name="image-0028"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-f-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +FOOTBALL. A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the +Latin words "footibus," meaning "<i>put the boots to him</i>," and +"balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public +building?" A body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For +instance: +</p> +<div class="poem" style="clear:both;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"> Sing a song of football </p> +<p class="i4"> Pockets full of salve; </p> +<p class="i2"> Four and twenty legs all </p> +<p class="i4"> Punctured at the calve. </p> +<p class="i2"> Captain in the hospital </p> +<p class="i4"> Fullback in the soup, </p> +<p class="i2"> Twenty-seven faces </p> +<p class="i4"> Broken in the group. </p> +<p class="i2"> Sophomores and Freshmen </p> +<p class="i4"> Punched around the ring; </p> +<p class="i2"> When the war was over </p> +<p class="i4"> The boys began to sing! </p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4"> Raw! Raw! Raw! </p> +<p class="i4"> Raw! Raw! Raw! </p> +<p class="i6"> Stew them! </p> +<p class="i6"> Fry them! </p> +<p class="i4"> Raw! Raw! Raw! </p> +<p class="i6"> Oysters! </p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0029"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-g.png" alt="'G - The friends that gold buys shake hands with two fingers.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> +<p> +Great oaths from little aching corns do grow. +</p> +<p> +Great minds run in the same channel—especially if they are sea +captains. +</p> +<p> +Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife. +</p> +<p> +Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us +have names without price. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page44" name="page44"></a>[pg 44]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page45" name="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0030"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-g.png" alt="G" /> +<p> +The seventh letter of the alphabet. Used by the ancients as an +expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee! +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +GAB. The product of a ball-bearing chin. +</p> +<p> +GAG. A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian. +</p> +<p> +GAS. A substance we make light of until the bill comes in. <i>"You may +hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas +company just the same</i>." (Shakespeare, page 9.) +</p> +<p> +GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out. +</p> +<p> +GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please +Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was +down in the grocery store. +</p> +<p> +GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to +get poorer. +</p> +<p> +GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast. +</p> +<p> +GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy. +</p> +<p> +GENIUS. Something we have in <i>our</i> family—if you don't believe me, +come and hear our little boy recite. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page46" name="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0031"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-g-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman. +</p> +<p> +GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't +time to prove him otherwise. +</p> +<p> +GERM. See <i>microbes</i>. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a +magnifying glass. +</p> +<p> +GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See <i>dag my buttons!</i> See +any Reub. +</p> +<p> +GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both. +A woman who can put two and two together and make five. +</p> +<p> +GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in +small change left in the pocket. +</p> +<p> +GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department +store. +</p> +<p> +GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can +be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward +applications of diamonds on the chest. +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian <i>raconteur</i>, thus +describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York, +as follows:— +</p> +<p> +I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page47" name="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> +</p> +<p> +I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not +unspeakably. +</p> +<p> +The ladies, Heaven bless them! seemed to be suffering from that operatic +disease which is called nervous conversation. +</p> +<p> +This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the +curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out. +</p> +<p> +I also enjoyed the names of the singers. +</p> +<p> +Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent out by +a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in the oven +until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a +custard pudding. +</p> +<p> +Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name which +listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat. +</p> +<p> +Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain +Schmidt or Jones. +</p> +<p> +There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name +I ever witnessed. +</p> +<p> +If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day +bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden. +</p> +<p> +Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a +skirmish between the Russians and the Japs. +</p> +<p> +I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all +the letters he caught he kept. +</p> +<p> +I liked the plot of the Opera. +</p> +<a name="image-0032"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-g-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +She was a blonde lady with one of those <i>embonpoint</i> faces which +must cost a good deal to keep in repair. +</p> +<p> +The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead +which had moved into his hair when it was very young. +</p> +<p> +I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was +the usher who gave me a seat. +</p> +<p> +I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent +and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening +without taking 32 bars rest. +</p> +<p> +My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page48" name="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> +</p> +<p> +The story of the Opera was simple. +</p> +<p> +A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and +came out on the stage. +</p> +<p> +Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies +went away. +</p> +<p> +Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice. +</p> +<p> +Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo +eyes at the tall gentleman. +</p> +<p> +He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and +took a couple of high notes. +</p> +<p> +She took the same. +</p> +<p> +Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much +earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous +exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was +pitiful. +</p> +<p> +When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made +some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo. +</p> +<p> +The story he told was simplicity itself. +</p> +<p> +Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept +saying "Aha! aha-eo! I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night—tra-la-la-la!-aha!-aha-eo! +For-doing-this,—for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one-thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!" +</p> +<p> +Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto, +ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!" +</p> +<p> +It was delicious. +</p> +<p> +But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was +crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into +"Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda. +</p> +<p> +So I stood up and went home. +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page49" name="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0033"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-h.png" alt="'H - It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach. +</p> +<p> +How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they +need! +</p> +<p> +Here are two things any man can find in the dark—a carpet tack and a +limburger sandwich. +</p> +<p> +"Handsome is as handsome does them"—the motto of the bunco steerer. +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page50" name="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page51" name="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0034"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-h.png" alt="H" /> +<p> +The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because +Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!) +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue +words when you step on a tack. +</p> +<p> +HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest +provocation. +</p> +<a name="image-0035"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-h-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the +purpose of falling out later on. +</p> +<p> +HARD JOB. Trying to live without working. +</p> +<p> +HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people +prefer lemons. +</p> +<p> +HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to +the drugstore. +</p> +<p> +HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human +beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the +Latin words "<i>Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?</i>"—which means much +or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at. +</p> +<p> +HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the +case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes into +history and cannot get out again. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page52" name="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> +</p> +<p> +HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the +drugstore. +</p> +<p> +HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end +seat. +</p> +<p> +HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The +excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve. +</p> +<p> +HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a +transfer to the day after to-morrow. +</p> +<p> +HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has no show. +Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until +the price is known. +</p> +<a name="image-0036"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-h-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife +something to worry about. See <i>Fourflush</i>. Also look in the +discard. +</p> +<p> +HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes out +through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A +brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades. +</p> +<p> +The word comes from the Swedish language, "<i>Sockett Toodem</i>," which +means "<i>Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!</i>" +</p> +<p> +HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back is +turned. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page53" name="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0037"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-i.png" alt="'I - When two people quarrel and smile at the same time, the third person can go for the separation papers.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +It is a wise son that owes his own father. +</p> +<p> +It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress. +</p> +<p> +If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask. +</p> +<p> +It takes three people to engineer a quarrel—two to make it and one to +run for a policeman. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page54" name="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page55" name="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0038"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-i.png" alt="I" /> +<p> +The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in +connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads. +</p> +<p> +IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of +a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis. +(Milton, page 7.) +</p> +<p> +IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff. +</p> +<a name="image-0039"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-i-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he +sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too +loud on the Sabbath day. +</p> +<p> +INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer. +</p> +<p> +IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to +stay home because his wife has acute indigestion. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page56" name="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> +</p> +<p> +INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up +barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair +clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or +not. +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into +insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the +reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild +foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years. +</p> +<p> +This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to +the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and +scalping knives are a little dull at first. +</p> +<p> +In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog, +Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the +vicinity of an Indian reservation: +</p> +<p> +"Hist!" +</p> +<p> +The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted +barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at +intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation. +</p> +<p> +"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber. +</p> +<p> +"Hist!" +</p> +<p> +Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant +horizon. +</p> +<p> +On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward! +</p> +<p> +Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop. +</p> +<p> +Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working +clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the +cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors. +</p> +<p> +The Indian entered the barber shop. +</p> +<p> +"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely. +</p> +<p> +"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page57" name="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + +an hour ago—hence the delay. The bay rum, please!" +</p> +<p> +"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber. +</p> +<p> +"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian. +</p> +<p> +"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber. +</p> +<p> +"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am not +for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep me +waiting!" +</p> +<p> +The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him. +</p> +<p> +"What is your name?" he said painfully. +</p> +<p> +"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly. +</p> +<p> +"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get +your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed. +</p> +<p> +"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely. +</p> +<p> +Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him. +</p> +<p> +"Ugh!" said the Indian. +</p> +<p> +"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in English. +</p> +<p> +"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo. +"Well, I am next to this business. You have bay rum and I have a +thirst—let us get together!" +</p> +<p> +"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the +barber. +</p> +<p> +"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I +have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!" +</p> +<p> +"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber. +</p> +<p> +It was his last whisper in that shop. +</p> +<p> +Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay +rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst. +</p> +<a name="image-0040"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-i-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his +head. +</p> +<p> +Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow +black before him. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page58" name="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> +</p> +<p> +The barber groaned in agony. +</p> +<p> +It was thrilling. +</p> +<p> +When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and +foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington +for inventing the barber shop. +</p> +<p> +That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary, +walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the +Interior Department. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page59" name="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0041"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-j.png" alt="'J - The tip end of the season.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Jolly not that you be not jollied. +</p> +<p> +Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain +if she could see them. +</p> +<p> +Journeys end in porter tippings. +</p> +<p> +Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page60" name="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page61" name="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0042"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-j.png" alt="J" /> +<a name="image-0043"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-r" src="images/ill-j-1.png" alt="Jay" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to +designate a Reub with rubber in the neck—whatever that may be. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker. +</p> +<p> +JOCKEY. A hero or a slob—it all together depends on where the horse +finishes. +</p> +<p> +JOKE. Something that's extremely clever—when we make it ourselves. +</p> +<a name="image-0044"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-j-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face. +</p> +<p> +JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all. +</p> +<p> +JOY. Gladness with the lid off. +</p> +<p> +JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag. +</p> +<p> +JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in +reality they are merely lucky at guessing things. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page62" name="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> +</p> +<p> +JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it. +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0045"><!--IMG--></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-k.png" alt="'K - A small boy can spoil the most favorable circumstance.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Kisses go by favorable circumstances. +</p> +<p> +Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them. +</p> +<p> +Keep a stiff upper lip—especially when you're shaving yourself. +</p> +<p> +Knockers never have weak lungs. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page64" name="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0046"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-k.png" alt="K" /> + +<p> +The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +KEEN. A grafter with a victim in sight. +</p> +<p> +KENO. What the grafter says when he's through with the victim. +</p> +<p> +KEEP. The motto of the Trusts. +</p> +<p> +KEY. An instrument used at 2 A.M. in connection with a door to determine +whether a man is sober or not. +</p> +<a name="image-0047"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-k-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +KEROSENE. An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out +through the kitchen roof. +</p> +<p> +KICKER. A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside. +</p> +<p> +KISS. A sigh set to music. The oldest monopoly in the world with the +exception of John D. Rockerfeller. A kiss is the soul's cocktail. A +wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the +side. +</p> +<a name="image-0048"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-k-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +KNOCKER. A hurdle in the way of the worthy. A chin-critic. An expert +with the harpoon. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0049"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-l.png" alt="'L - When a man is so lazy that he won't talk he is called profound.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa. +</p> +<p> +Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue. +</p> +<p> +Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a +quarter. +</p> +<p> +Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who +has the cash. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page68" name="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0050"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-l.png" alt="L" /> + +<p> +The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the +purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +LABOR. Trying to get back the money you loaned. +</p> +<a name="image-0051"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-l-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +LADY. A gentleman woman. +</p> +<p> +LAMB. A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street. +</p> +<p> +LARK. A bird of a name given to a bird of a time. +</p> +<p> +LIGHT. An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money. +</p> +<p> +LITERARY FAILURE. A man whose brain was unfit for publication. +</p> +<a name="image-0052"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-l-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +LOBSTER. A shine after he gets in the swim. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> +</p> +<p> +LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another +man to collect it. +</p> +<p> +LOVE. A certain party who is supposed to be blind, but he doesn't seem +to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0053"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-m.png" alt="'M - One experiment that few are willing to make.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Money cannot buy happiness, but most of us are willing to make the +experiment. +</p> +<p> +Many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were +sure their friends wouldn't see them. +</p> +<p> +Money is the root of much friendship. +</p> +<p> +Marry in haste and repent in Dakota. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page72" name="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0054"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-m.png" alt="M" /> +<p> +The thirteenth letter of the alphabet, which very few people use +because thirteen is unlucky. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +MACARONI. An excuse for opening an Italian restaurant. +</p> +<p> +MAP. That part of the human face which is visible above the collar. +</p> +<a name="image-0055"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-m-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +MARVEL. A man who never tells you his troubles. +</p> +<p> +MEDAL. A gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you +intended to do anyway. +</p> +<p> +MEDDLER. The fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a +medal. +</p> +<p> +MISER. A man who has all the money he wants but wants more. +</p> +<p> +MONEY. Something which talks, but a poor man can't keep it long enough +to know what it says. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0056"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" src="images/ill-m-2.png" style="height: 8em;" +alt="1/1000 Microbe Enlarged" /> +<p> +MICROBE. A very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving +into the system of an entire stranger. Once in it begins to do light +housekeeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis. (For the +meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet. If he doesn't +tell you he's no gentleman.) +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0057"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-n.png" alt="'N'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +No matter how many good things our friends say about us, we are never +surprised. +</p> +<p> +Nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's success. +</p> +<p> +Needless to say, a friend in need is a friend in the soup. +</p> +<p> +Nothing ventured nothing wonderful. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page77" name="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0058"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-n.png" alt="N" /> +<p> +The fourteenth letter of the alphabet, sometimes called a nasal by +those who ought to know better. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +NABOB. A man who can put on a new suit of clothes every fifteen minutes. +</p> +<p> +NATION. A large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice. +For example: Carrie Nation. +</p> +<p> +NATURE. Something which makes no mistakes, with the exception of a +crowded street car. +</p> +<p> +NECESSITY. The mother of many an empty stomach. +</p> +<a name="image-0059"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-n-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +NECK. A place to get it in. +</p> +<p> +NEXT. The battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed. +</p> +<p> +NIT. An abbreviation of Nix. +</p> +<p> +NIX. An abbreviation of Nit. +</p> +<p> +NOPE. An abbreviation of No! +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span> +</p> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-n-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +NOISE. The sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man. +</p> +<p> +NODDLE. The place where some people think they think. +</p> +<p> +NOVEL. A book that sells better than it reads. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0061"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-o.png" alt="'O - A well balanced Head.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about. +</p> +<p> +Oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold +on to his reputation. +</p> +<p> +Opportunity is something a Fool waits for while the Wise Guy runs down +the road to meet it. +</p> +<p> +Occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in +order to have a well-balanced head. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page80" name="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page81" name="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0062"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-o.png" alt="O" /> +<p> +The fifteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally by the Irish +in front of their names. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +OH! The mild-mannered sister of Ouch! +</p> +<p> +OATS. A substance invented by Nature and intended for a breakfast food, +but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete. +</p> +<p> +OBEY. A word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the +parties of the first part something to kick about. +</p> +<a name="image-0063"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-o-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +OCULIST. A man many young people should consult who think they have +fallen in love at first sight. +</p> +<p> +OIL. See John D. Rockerfeller—if you can. +</p> +<p> +OLD HEN. The pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the +roost. +</p> +<p> +OLIVE. A green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it +out with his fingers. See <i>Cherry</i>. +</p> +<p> +ONION. A noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us +in street cars. +</p> +<p> +OPERA. A device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good +singer. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> +</p> +<p> +OPPORTUNITY. Something never seen until it is not there to be looked at. +</p> +<p> +ORIGINALITY. The gift some people have of saying the bright things which +we intended to think about later on. +</p> +<p> +OSLER. A modern abbreviation of chloroform. An up to date bogie man +invented for the purpose of chasing "has-beens" to the woods. +</p> +<p> +OSLERESQUE. The state of being ready for <i>Oslerizing</i>. See any man +over forty. +</p> +<p> +OSLERISM. The art of picking out a fit subject for the <i>Osler</i> +treatment. "You can lead an old man into a drugstore but you can't make +him drink chloroform." (Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, page 19.) +</p> +<p> +OSLERIZE. To pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and +telephone for the undertaker. +</p> +<p> +OSLERITIS. An attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became +epidemic in the newspapers. +</p> +<p> +OSLEROOZA. A man who believes in <i>Oslerism</i>. He is generally a +young man in love with a girl whose Papa is over forty and who wears No. +11 shoes of a high voltage. +</p> +<p> +OSLERETTA. A young woman who believes in <i>Oslerism</i>. She is the +same girl whose Papa has just been mentioned. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page83" name="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0064"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-p.png" alt="'P - Philosophy makes good reading for the man who has his rent paid.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Perseverance is the root of all money. +</p> +<p> +Perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he +thinks he is a warm baby. +</p> +<p> +Pleasure travels with a brass band, but Trouble sneaks in on rubber +shoes. +</p> +<p> +Philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page84" name="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page85" name="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0065"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-p.png" alt="P" /> +<p> +The sixteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally in pickled +peppers. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +PAINT. A polite name for balloon juice. See the bartender. +</p> +<p> +PALPITATION OF THE TONGUE. A disease that affects many women. +</p> +<p> +PATRIOT. A man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy +and doesn't hold out $2 for the doctor's bill. +</p> +<p> +PATHOS. A poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke. +</p> +<p> +PEACH. A bit of domestic fruit, consisting of blonde tresses, a dimple, +and three bows of pink ribbon. +</p> +<p> +PEEKABOO. A summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's +shirtwaist something like a barb-wire fence with a full view of the +scenery. It is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven. +The Peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth. +</p> +<p> +PENITENTIARY. An assembly hall which always plays to a full house +because whiskey is it's advance agent. +</p> +<p> +PHILOSOPHER. A man who can size himself up and forget the result. +</p> +<p> +PLAN. Something which any fool can lay, but it takes patience like a hen +to hatch it. +</p> +<p> +PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page86" name="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0066"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-p-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +POETICAL LICENSE. A woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name +of Birdie. +</p> +<p> +POLITICS. The place where a man gets it—sometimes in the neck, +sometimes in the bank. +</p> +<p> +POLITICIAN. The reason we have so much politics. +</p> +<p> +POPULARITY. The cold storage house where the world sends her favorites +before she forgets them. +</p> +<p> +POSTERITY. A lot of people who will forget all about you before they are +born. +</p> +<p> +PRACTICAL JOKE. When Nature makes a pink lobster look like a man. +</p> +<p> +PREDICTION. A bit of funny business invented by the Weather Man for the +purpose of playing tiddledewinks with the weather. He says what he +thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases. +</p> +<a name="image-0067"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-p-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +PROMISE. What a man says to a woman or a child to keep them quiet. +</p> +<p> +PRUDE. A female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can +blush to listen and listen to blush. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page87" name="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0068"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-q.png" alt="'Q - Young writers Outfit.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Quitters cannot be trained to quit quitting. +</p> +<p> +Queer, isn't it, that the lazier a man gets the more he wants to work +somebody else. +</p> +<p> +Quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists. +</p> +<p> +Qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page88" name="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page89" name="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0069"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-q.png" alt="Q" /> +<p> +The seventeenth and the most hunted letter in the alphabet, because +it is always followed by u. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +QUACK. A doctor who ducks the law. +</p> +<p> +QUARREL. Something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe. +</p> +<p> +QUART. The amount of wine a sport always wants to open. +</p> +<p> +QUIRE. A bunch of singers in a church. Sometimes called <i>Choir</i>, +sometimes called down. See Scrap, fight, jealousy. +</p> +<a name="image-0070"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-q-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +QUIVER. To shake for the drinks. +</p> +<p> +QUITTER. A man who stops before he gets started. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page90" name="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page91" name="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0071"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-r.png" alt="'R - The Rolling Stone at the Bottom of the Hill.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Remember—you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to +spend your money that way. +</p> +<p> +Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a +street car backwards. +</p> +<p> +Race suicide doesn't appeal to poor people. +</p> +<p> +Rolling stones gather no moss but look at the excitement they have. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page92" name="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page93" name="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0072"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-r.png" alt="R" /> +<p> +The eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to began +a college yell; thus, Rah! Rah! Rah! +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0073"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-r-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +RAG. A material invented for chewing purposes. +</p> +<p> +RAKE. A man-about-town after he gets shop worn. +</p> +<p> +RARE. The way you get roast beef when you order it well done. +</p> +<p> +REFORM. A bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets +here. +</p> +<p> +RETRIBUTION. A man who marries for money and finds it is all in +Confederate bills. +</p> +<a name="image-0074"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-r-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +RICHES. Something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it, +because they never flew my way. +</p> +<p> +ROYSTERER. A man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to +eat cracked oats in his age. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page94" name="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0075"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-r-3.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +RACE-SUICIDE. A disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when +he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaids steady +employment. For instance: +</p> +<p style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0; clear: both;"> +Rondeau. +</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"> There was a nice old lady and </p> +<p class="i4"> She lived within her shoe; </p> +<p class="i2"> She had so many children that </p> +<p class="i4"> She didn't know what to do. </p> +<p class="i2"> She wrote the President and said </p> +<p class="i4"> "I have twenty kids or more!" </p> +<p class="i2"> The President replied to her </p> +<p class="i4"> "Encore, old girl, encore!" </p> +<p class="i2"> She answered, "I've no room at home </p> +<p class="i4"> For more, so I am through!" </p> +<p class="i2"> And he replied, "Why don't you go </p> +<p class="i4"> And get another shoe?" </p> +<p class="i16"> </p> +<p class="i2"> —Sir Walter Scott, page 96. </p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation +family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples: +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his +pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved? +</p> +<p> +Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's +mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be +when the book gets back? +</p> +<p> +Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor. +Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How +long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth? +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page95" name="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> +</p> +<p> +Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to +his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them +he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which +train did James take and when does Ann expect him back? +</p> +<p> +Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty +cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the +clerks swearing at after Ann went out? +</p> +<p> +Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter. +Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head. +Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube? +</p> +<p> +Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in +a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the +races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the +grocer? +</p> +<p> +Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one +sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four +nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma +crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill? +</p> +<p> +Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour. +Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers. +Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she +received a seat? +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page96" name="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page97" name="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0076"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-s.png" alt="'S - The black Sheep.'" style="width: 100%;" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Some people's talk is too cheap at any price. +</p> +<p> +Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time. +</p> +<p> +Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that +a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it. +</p> +<p> +Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page98" name="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page99" name="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<a name="image-0077"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-s.png" alt="S" /> +<a name="image-0078"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-r" alt="" src="images/ill-s-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant, +because it makes a hissing sound like a goose. +</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> +SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to +start a church. +</p> +<p> +SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man. +</p> +<p> +SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his +hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women. +</p> +<p> +SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss. +</p> +<p> +SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the +weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day, +according to the mood the landlord is in. +</p> +<p> +SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned. +</p> +<p> +SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting +till you get it. +</p> +<p> +STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for +personal reasons. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page100" name="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> +</p> +<p> +SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments. +</p> +<a name="image-0079"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-s-2.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make +enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers. +Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough. +</p> +<p> +SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are +parted. +</p> +<p> +SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a +corner-stone. +</p> +<p> +SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are +chosen. For instance: +</p> + +<div class="poem" style="clear:both;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6"> Little Jack Horner </p> +<p class="i6"> Sat in a corner </p> +<p class="i2"> Riding down town on the "L." </p> +<p class="i6"> He jumped to his feet </p> +<p class="i6"> Gave a lady his seat— </p> +<p class="i2"> I'm a liar, but don't it sound well. </p> +<p class="i16"> </p> +<p class="i0"> —Oliver Goldsmith, page 34. </p> +</div> +</div> + +<p> +SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars. +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"—see +page 946—as follows: +</p> +<p> +The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space +that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers. +</p> +<p> +The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page101" name="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> + +run edgeways, and the life insurance agents run any old way when they +see these cars coming. +</p> +<a name="image-0080"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-s-3.png" style="height: 8em;" /> + +<p> +The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has +ever been invented. +</p> +<p> +The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the +passengers out with a can-opener. +</p> +<p> +Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health +and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards +and inquire feebly for a sanitarium. +</p> +<p> +To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all +that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had. +</p> +<p> +The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York +have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the +brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam, +Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung. +</p> +<p> +To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to +get out again is an assassination. +</p> +<p> +One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once +touching the floor with my feet. +</p> +<p> +Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come +between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on +to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a +windy day. +</p> +<p> +Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all +winter to act the part of a refrigerator. +</p> +<p> +It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars. +</p> +<p> +In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs. +</p> +<p> +That is because this country is young and impulsive. +</p> +<p> +The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often +follow a stranger all the way home. +</p> +<p> +Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against +my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page102" name="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + +I did not reach down and kick it away because the law says we must not +be disrespectful to the dumb brutes of the field. +</p> +<p> +Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of +condensed milk. +</p> +<p> +The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a +lemon squeezer. +</p> +<p> +When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get +out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your +knee to lean over. +</p> +<a name="image-0081"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-s-4.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you +will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens +to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't +go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation. +</p> +<p> +A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four +to carry. +</p> +<p> +The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by +one of these sardine-cars. +</p> +<p> +The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars, +but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the +rebellious standing on the corner. +</p> +<p> +We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how +careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called +after a cocktail. +</p> +<p> +This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to +get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed +into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us +into insensibility. +</p> +<p> +Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an +alarm clock. +</p> +<p> +For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages, +but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of +strangers he never met before. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page103" name="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> +</p> +<p> +One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a +two-year-old, full of health and happiness. +</p> +<p> +During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up +in front of me and removed the scenery. +</p> +<p> +One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to +show how sorry he was to leave me. +</p> +<p> +One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time +because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my +lap. +</p> +<p> +When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and +if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him. +</p> +<p> +Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap. +</p> +<p> +During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares +I ever rode behind. +</p> +<p> +The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the +idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he +started to play the overture from <i>William Tell</i> until I yelled +"W'at'ell!" +</p> +<p> +That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from +standing on my feet. +</p> +<p> +Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home. +</p> +<p> +If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a +sardine-car is alive he should have a monument. +</p> +<p> +My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and +have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare. +</p> +<p> +Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page104" name="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page105" name="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0082"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-t.png" style="width: 100%;" alt="'T - Blue sky of a Greenish Hue.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke +he finds he has burned most of them. +</p> +<p> +The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills. +</p> +<p> +The mud slinger never has clean hands. +</p> +<p> +The way of the transgressor is hard on his family. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page106" name="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page107" name="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0083"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-t.png" alt="T" /> +<p> +The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author +of the alphabet always drank coffee. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which +certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See +<i>gambling</i>. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't +see you first. +</p> +<p> +TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke. +</p> +<p> +TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment. +</p> +<p> +TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may +hand it back to you with a short-arm jab. +</p> +<p> +TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip. +</p> +<p> +THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow. +</p> +<p> +TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man. +</p> +<p> +THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the +purpose of driving humanity to drink. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page108" name="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> +</p> +<a name="image-0084"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-t-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a +hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it. +</p> +<p> +TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full. +</p> +<p> +TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never +figures in politics because it forgets to register. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<a name="image-0085"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-u.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'U - Both Ends.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed. +</p> +<p> +Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives +talking about home industry. +</p> +<p> +Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown. +</p> +<p> +Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his +pocketbook runs dry. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page110" name="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page111" name="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0086"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-u.png" alt="U" /> +<p> +The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some +scandal because it is always tagging after Q. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0087"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-u-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /><p> +UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game. +</p> +<p> +UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to. +</p> +<p> +UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without +reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a +stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she +spent forty cents for baby's new shoes. +</p> +<p> +UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<a name="image-0088"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-v.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'V - Ideas Expressed.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured. +</p> +<p> +Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors. +</p> +<p> +Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them. +</p> +<p> +Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0089"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-v.png" alt="V" /> +<p> +The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for +a five-dollar bill. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with +his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and +looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose. +</p> +<p> +VACANT. The top story of a snob. +</p> +<a name="image-0090"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-v-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads. +</p> +<p> +VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose +smile at the same time. +</p> +<p> +VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's +feet at the head of the bed. See <i>Jag</i> and <i>Soused</i>. +</p> +<p> +VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a +small amount. +</p> +<p> +VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, +with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, +noise. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" name="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<a name="image-0091"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-w.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'W - Smile, please!'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish. +</p> +<p> +Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man +look like 30 cents. +</p> +<p> +When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always +turns him down. +</p> +<p> +When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0092"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-w.png" alt="W" /> +<p> +The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very +well in the matter of a name. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful +weapon in the hands of a steady spender. +</p> +<p> +WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace. +</p> +<a name="image-0093"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-w-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace +that kills. +</p> +<p> +WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play +tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the +weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow, +with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from +the Latin words "<i>Guessa Gain</i>," which mean, "I am paid to tell the +truth, but I don't need the money." +</p> +<p> +WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son. +</p> +<p> +WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<a name="image-0094"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-x.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'X - The Old School.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night +school. +</p> +<p> +Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good +fashion. +</p> +<p> +Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance. +</p> +<p> +Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over +again. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0095"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-x.png" alt="X" /> +<p> +The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in +that very few words are fastened to it. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +X. That ten dollars you loaned some time ago. +</p> +<p> +XTRACTOR. The fellow you loaned it to. +</p> +<a name="image-0096"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-x-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +XCITEMENT. What happened when you tried to get it back. +</p> +<p> +X-RAYS. A machine you'll have to use to find your X. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page125" name="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<a name="image-0097"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-y.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'Y - Men have been known to Listen.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag. +</p> +<p> +Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend. +</p> +<p> +Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never +get rich. +</p> +<p> +You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be, +unless he gets on the wrong car. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page126" name="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0098"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-y.png" alt="Y" /> +<p> +The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous +nature because it's always in rye. (Mercy!) +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +YAP. The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway. +</p> +<p> +YACHT. A device which eats up money and yells for more. +</p> +<a name="image-0099"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-r" alt="" src="images/ill-y-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +YOKE. The way a Swede says joke. +</p> +<p> +YESTERDAY. The day upon which our ship should have arrived. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page128" name="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> +</p> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<a name="image-0100"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<div style="width: 60%;"> +<img src="images/maxim-z.png" style="width: 100%;" +alt="'Z - Falling Out of Love.'" /> +</div> +</center> + +<p> +Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl. +</p> +<p> +Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience. +</p> +<p> +Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties +concerned. +</p> +<p> +Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man +with money to believe it. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> +<hr class="full"/> +<a name="image-0101"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="drop" src="images/drop-z.png" alt="Z" /> +<p> +The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it. +</p> +<hr class="full"/> +<p> +ZEAL. The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs. +</p> +<p> +ZEBRA. An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z. +</p> +<p> +ZERO. The place where the cold waves come from. +</p> +<p> +ZIP. The same as <i>Zow</i>. +</p> +<p> +ZOW. The same as <i>Zip</i>. +</p> +<p> +ZOO. A garden scented by wild animals. +</p> +<a name="image-0102"><!--IMG--></a> +<img class="fig-l" alt="" src="images/ill-z-1.png" style="height: 8em;" /> +<p> +ZABO. A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_APPE" id="h2H_APPE"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + APPENDIX. +</h2> +<h3> +(This part of the book may be cut out.) +</h3> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page134" name="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0006" id="h2H_4_0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + AUTOMOBILES. +</h2> +<h3> +A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By +All Automobile Societies. +</h3> +<p> +The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser. +</p> +<p> +It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the +livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a +ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void. +</p> +<p> +Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the +<i>Chauffeur</i>, because he knows which way to jump out. +</p> +<p> +<i>Chauffeur</i> is the name of the man who points the machine at you +and dares you to get out of the way. +</p> +<p> +We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a +horseless wagon when it goes real fast. +</p> +<p> +That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the +French. +</p> +<p> +<i>Chauffeur</i> was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should +give it back at the first opportunity. +</p> +<p> +The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's +Delight," because it lived up to its name. +</p> +<p> +Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be +composed which would help + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page136" name="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + +the general public to die easier when automobo-annihilated. +</p> +<p> +Here are the rules: +</p> +<p> +1.—One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business +men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone +indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the +street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very +bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's +bills. +</p> +<p> +2.—Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to +the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely, +and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who +refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely. +</p> +<p> +3.—Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to +the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest, +doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general +elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the +distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, +tried, convicted and sent to Siberia. +</p> +<p> +4.—Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal +for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees, +statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short +cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to +obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its +way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over. +</p> +<p> +5.—Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to +all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the +vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals +and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of +harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will +do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be +excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the +meaning of vicinage. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> +</p> +<p> +6.—Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to +conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, +lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the +passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen +on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage +and compel them to drink gasoline. +</p> +<p> +7.—One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood +not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe +this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six +consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction. +</p> +<p> +8.—Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout +means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells, +and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden +appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of +this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can +attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the +vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban +part of the head of the offending coal cart director. +</p> +<p> +9.—If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion +for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of +pleasure and a joy forever. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page138" name="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page139" name="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0007" id="h2H_4_0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + LITTLE BLASTS OF HOT AIR. +</h2> +<p> +Life is a tragedy, and that's the best reason why it should be well +acted. +</p> +<p> +What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people +along. +</p> +<p> +A fault-finder is a home-made knocker. +</p> +<p> +Every woman jumps quickly from mice and at conclusions. +</p> +<p> +"Don't be a clam," must be wisdom on the half shell. +</p> +<p> +The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker. +</p> +<p> +Hot air is mighty, and will prevail in politics. +</p> +<p> +A fool and his money is the root of much laughter. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page140" name="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page141" name="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0008" id="h2H_4_0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + INSOMNIA. +</h2> +<h3> + How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure. +</h3> +<p> +1.—Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner. +By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will +be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed. +</p> +<p> +2.—Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special +attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs. This +will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance +and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept +the rest of the household awake as well as yourself. +</p> +<p> +3.—Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset +the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize +what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become +so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper +during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing. +</p> +<p> +4.—Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body +and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then +be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either +of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia. +</p> +<p> +5.—Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe +pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a +grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into +convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you +will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by +listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the +other members of the household. +</p> +<p> +6.—Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before +retiring. If you keep this up long enough it + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + +will be breakfast time, and you may then go about your daily labor with +the happy consciousness that you have saved the bed clothes a great deal +of wear and tear. +</p> +<p> +7.—Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular +care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a +tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side. It is also +calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your +feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with +an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant +diversion in a sleepless night. +</p> +<p> +8.—Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear +thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if +you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and +count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the +folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you +know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them +burgle—you have business of your own to attend to. A man with a +thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling +details. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page143" name="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0009" id="h2H_4_0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES. +</h2> +<p> +All is not cold that shivers. +</p> +<p> +Success never shakes hands with a lazy man. +</p> +<p> +An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the +divorce court. +</p> +<p> +The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his +brains. +</p> +<p> +Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an +angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him. +</p> +<p> +If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many +times a day would we be insulted. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page144" name="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0010" id="h2H_4_0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + WHIST. +</h2> +<h3> + Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game. +</h3> +<p> +Whist is a well known game with cards. It requires close attention and +silence. Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their +partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never +learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never +fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it, however, but +politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide +world. +</p> +<p> +The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the +intricacies of the delightful game of whist. If they do not help you the +only thing to do is to try pinochle:— +</p> +<p> +Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick. +It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then +your opponents may feel deeply chagrined. +</p> +<p> +Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen +words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear +you, and scowl darkly at you. +</p> +<p> +Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or +she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and +resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to +look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had +sense enough to mind your own business. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" name="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> +</p> +<p> +Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The +limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now +say eighteen. +</p> +<p> +Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption fits +are very bad form, and they delay the game. +</p> +<p> +Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It +shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table, +especially if you are in a strange house. +</p> +<p> +Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is +not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. It has a much better +effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El +Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer." +</p> +<p> +Don't talk politics while playing whist. Either whist or politics will +suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of +34,647,933 it is whist that suffers. +</p> +<p> +Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile +disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular +arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor +your facial expression may be ruined for life. +</p> +<p> +Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no +right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or +refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-à-brac +for so doing. +</p> +<p> +Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a +winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make +kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor. +</p> +<p> +Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then +get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted +to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air. +Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page147" name="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> +</p> +<p> +Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the +table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it +makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers. +</p> +<p> +Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It +draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws +uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the +use of a club. +</p> +<p> +Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts +your ace to sleep with a little trump. Trumps were invented for that +purpose, and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page149" name="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0011" id="h2H_4_0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + A FEW HARMLESS GERMS. +</h2> +<p> +How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time. +</p> +<p> +A Miss is as good as a mile of Misses—if you love the girl. +</p> +<p> +The horseshoe is always lucky—when the horse wins. +</p> +<p> +A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time. +</p> +<p> +One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the +earth. +</p> +<p> +Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get your name in the papers +so often. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0012" id="h2H_4_0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + BASEBALL. +</h2> +<h3> + Being a Guide for the Grouchy Grandstandee. +</h3> +<p> +These "do nots" have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with +a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery +climbs out over his collar, and who shows symptoms of being dazed and +disorderly during the progress of a game. +</p> +<p> +Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the +slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting you had +better get up on the back of the seat also. +</p> +<p> +Don't stop to make a careful selection of the English language before +addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking. +Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be +glad to get out. +</p> +<p> +Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate +neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a +man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself. +</p> +<p> +Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of +the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to +the game especially to hear your views on this subject. +</p> +<p> +Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the +home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at +times, and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade +hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterbeerean voice. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page152" name="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span> +</p> +<p> +Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening—and, if your voice is +as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the Western +Hemisphere will have to listen—that you know more about the game than +Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother, Methuselah. Under certain +circumstances modesty is a crime; therefore, you should not commit a +crime by withholding this information. +</p> +<p> +Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will +notice it if you do, and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you +think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's +ears as the sweet strains of a whiskey-trimmed voice ringing softly on +the evening air: "Hey, red-light, youse is a robber an' a thief!" +Umpires love to be criticised in this manner. With every criticism they +brace up wonderfully, and their straying sense of justice returns. +You've noticed this fact, of course. +</p> +<p> +Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember, it is very +hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides, if he does, and +jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your +slats, you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and +come to your assistance. +</p> +<p> +Don't forget to use the most blood-curdling and decorative style of +language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of +hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all +quarters, and will stamp you as a gentleman of the aber-nit style of +architecture. +</p> +<p> +Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you +who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they +cannot enjoy you and your lung-power exhibit, they should stay at home. +Keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a +consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into his +cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in +witch hazel, and get ready for the morrow. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page153" name="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0013" id="h2H_4_0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + BURSTS OF CONFIDENCE. +</h2> +<p> +A trouble-hunter always makes a success of his job. +</p> +<p> +The girl who hesitates is left at the hitching post. +</p> +<p> +The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous. +</p> +<p> +The wise man saves up for a rainy day, and always stays in the house +when it storms. +</p> +<p> +It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances. +</p> +<p> +Some men are like a phonograph—they talk when you start them, but they +have no originality. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page154" name="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> +</p> + +<p style="display: none;"> +<!-- [Blank Page] --> +</p> + +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page155" name="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> +</p> +<a name="h2H_4_0014" id="h2H_4_0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em; clear: both;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<h2> + THE POOR MAN'S COOK BOOK. +</h2> +<h3> + (Presented by the President of the Food Trust.) +</h3> +<p> +This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the +hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat +and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs +the money. +</p> +<p> +The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us +begin with the soup: +</p> +<p> +MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.—Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and +draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the +feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle +a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a +blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of +a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the +saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side. +</p> +<p> +BEEF TEA.—Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it +is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown +it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg +over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco +and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon +in the finger bowl. +</p> +<p> +MOCK BEEFSTEAK.—Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them +away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as +the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten +minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the +face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to +sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page156" name="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + +with parsley. Imitation parsley can be made from green wall paper with +the scissors. If there is no green wall paper in the house speak to the +landlord about it. Let it simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it +breaks the fork it is not done. Let it simper. Should you wish to +smother it with onions, now is your chance, because after cooking so +long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet on the side. If +there are more than four people in the family use both shoes. +</p> +<p> +IRISH STEW.—Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in +a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and +hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish +the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato +begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as +not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce +dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust +has ever invented for the poor man. +</p> +<p> +MOCK PORK PIE.—Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a +spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas +trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a +saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a +pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a +little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle +rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. +This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is +now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner +eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor. +</p> +<p> +IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.—First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is +a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its +teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in +a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two +hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids +digestion. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page157" name="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> +</p> +<p> +OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.—To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of +the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers +from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and +add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water +before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with +watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at +the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to +suggest it. +</p> +<p> +MOCK GIBLETS.—Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with +chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that +you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them +sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let +them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. +Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some +people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is +only for the wealthy. +</p> +<p> +IMITATION PRUNE PIE.—Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. +Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot +oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. +Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them. +</p> +<p> +BREAKFAST BACON.—Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the +interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them +sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them +sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the +griddle. +</p> +<p> +SARATOGA CHIPS.—The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove +the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them +and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side. +</p> +<p> +MOCK BAKED BEANS.—Take as many buttons as the family can afford and +remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir +gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and +let + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page158" name="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + +them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the +location you find yourself living on the map. +</p> +<p> +OATMEAL PUDDING.—Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board +and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two +hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate +it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and +add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea +is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust. +</p> +<p> +HAMBURGER STEAK.—Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is +nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an +over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the +moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth +for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and +slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of +potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes +closed tight. +</p> +<p> +APPLE DUMPLINGS.—Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the +ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple +from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper +will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take +the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the +blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it +boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to +him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the +Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!" +</p> +<p> +IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.—Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and +select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words +coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of + +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + +the kitchen. Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the +butler's pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very +nervous animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and +prepare the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which +you can obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an +After Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a +wish. Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it +sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with +Japanese napkins. +</p> +<p> +MOCK CELERY.—Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the +handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast +food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the +whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of +salt on the northwestern end. +</p> +<p> +MOCK CLAMS.—Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of +tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a +dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish. +</p> +<h3> +THE FINISH. +</h3> + + +<div style="height: 6em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SILLY SYCLOPEDIA *** + +***** This file should be named 15705-h.htm or 15705-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/7/0/15705/ + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, David Garcia and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e1a9ad --- /dev/null +++ b/15705.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3381 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Silly Syclopedia + +Author: Noah Lott + +Release Date: April 25, 2005 [EBook #15705] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SILLY SYCLOPEDIA *** + + + + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, David Garcia and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: _DIGGING FOR DAFFYNISHUNS_] + + +THE + +SILLY SYCLOPEDIA + + +### + A Terrible Thing in the Form of a Literary Torpedo which is Launched +### for HILARIOUS PURPOSES ONLY Inaccurate in Every Particular Containing + Copious Etymological Derivations and Other Useless Things + +_By_ + +_NOAH LOTT_ + +(An Ex-relative of Noah Webster) + +Embellished with +Numerous and Distracting +CUTS and DIAGRAMS by + +LOUIS F. GRANT + + + + G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY + PUBLISHERS NEW YORK + + + * * * * * + + + Copyright, 1905, by + G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY + +_Entered at Stationers' Hall_ + +Issued July, 1905 + +_The Silly Syclopedia_ + + + * * * * * + + + Lives of great men all remind us + Life is really not worth while + If we cannot leave behind us + Some excuses for a smile! + + + * * * * * + + +_To_ + +MY AUTOMOBILE. + + + Which when I read it some + Of these Brain-throbs + Jumped over the fence, climbed a + Telegraph pole, burst its + Cylinder head, exploded all its + Tires + And then turned around and + Barked at me. + + + * * * * * + + +ABBREVIATIONS USED IN THIS WORK + + + A.b. At the bat. + B.i. Butt in. + C.o. Catch on. + D.t.l. Down the line. + E.s. Easy street. + I.t.n. In the neck. + I.u.t.y. It's up to you. + I.f.M. I'm from Missouri. + M.m.t.s. Make mine the same. + N.g. Nice gentleman. + O.t.l. On the level. + P.d.q. Pass the butter. + T.l. The limit. + + + * * * * * + + + + +PREFACE. + + +Some eighteen months ago I took this brilliant bunch of brain burrs to +my esteemed Publisher and with much enthusiasm invited him to spend a +lot of money thereon. + +The Main Stem in the Works informed me that he had his fingers on the +public pulse and just as soon as that pulse began to jump and yell for +something from my fiery pen he would throw the _Silly Syclopedia_ +at it. + +Then he placed my MS. in the forward turret of his steel-armored safe, +gave me a fairly good cigar and began to look hard in the direction of +the elevator. + +Last week, while searching for some missing government bonds, my +Publisher found my sadly neglected MS. He at once reached over and +grabbed the public pulse. To his astonishment it was jumping and making +signs in my direction. + +In a frenzied effort to make up for lost time my publisher then yelled +feverishly for a printer. + +Enclosed please find the result. + +In the meantime, however, I figure that I have lost $41,894.03 in +royalties, $74 worth of glory and about 14 cents worth of fame--tough, +isn't it? + +I think my Publisher should be censured for going out golfing and taking +his fingers off the public pulse. + +Don't you? + +NOAH LOTT. + + Chestnut Hill + June 12th, 1905 + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: "A--A flush fool."] + +A man can drop a lot of dough trying to pick up money. + +A fool and his money are soon spotted. + +An accommodation liar soon learns to run like an express. + +A guilty conscience needs no accuser if you catch him at it. + + * * * * * + +### + A: An adjective, commonly called the indefinite article because + the higher the fewer. +### + + * * * * * + + +A BAS. A French word meaning "S'cat!" + +[Illustration] + +A SHARP. A musical term which cannot be explained here, because the +Musical Union might get sore. + +A FLAT. A people coop. Seven rooms and a landlord, with hot and cold gas +and running servants. A _flat_ is the poor relation of an apartment. + +ABROAD. A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands. + +ABSCOND. To duck with the dough. From The Latin word _absconditto_, +meaning to grab the long-green and hike for the Bad Lands. + +ABSINTHE. The national headache of the French. A jag-builder which is +mostly wormwood and bad dreams. A liquid substance which when applied to +a "holdover" revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice +the bar-tender. + +ABSTAIN. The stepladder which leads up to the water wagon. + +ABSTEMIOUS. Having an aisle seat on the water wagon. + +ACROBAT. A fellow of infinite chest. + +ACCUMULATE. To collect or bring together. For example: "He borrowed two +dollars from his wife, whereupon he went out and _accumulated_ a +bunch of boozerine." (Carlyle's Heroes and Hero Worship.) + +[Illustration] + +A THING OF BEAUTY. A joy forever until we get used to it. + +ALCOHOL. The forefather of a hold-over. Boozerine, in the raw state. +From the Latin words _alco_ and _haul_, meaning "he is soused +to the booby hatches, _haul_ him to the _alcove_." (See Lord +Macaulay's Jags of Ancient Rome.) + +AMBITION. The only disease which laziness can cure. + +AMUSEMENT. The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an +appetite for sausage links. + +ANGEL. Something behind a show--and always something behind. + +APE. To imitate. For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the +easiest man to make a monkey of. + +APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for +doing our duty. + +AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go +faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder +blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital. + +AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they +can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its +origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to +Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the +Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.) + +[Illustration] + +AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the +newspapers. + + * * * * * + +See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his +autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M. +Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world. + +"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the +ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I +was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or +two." + +The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It +starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to +Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first +name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a +stingy habit. + +Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story: + +"My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely +young. + +"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious +white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous +life I was leading. + +"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn. + +"I became restless. + +"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained +what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world. + +"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I +rose for a distance of four feet. + +"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep +impression upon my mind, and otherwise. + +"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could +rise in the world without his kindly collaboration. + +"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a +sky-remover building. + +"The elevator was extremely nervous that day. + +"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach +did not travel with me. + +"I spoke to the _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator about it. + +"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which +rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump +its way downstairs. + +"The _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator told me if I did not like +it to get out and fly. + +"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine. + +"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the +world." + + + + +[Illustration: "B--A Skin Game."] + +Beauty is only a skin game after all. + +Bad beginners make bad finishers. + +Birds of a feather flock together on the theatre hats. + +Be sure you're ahead--then go right. + + * * * * * + +### + B: The second letter of the alphabet. It is called a vocal labial + consonant, which, no doubt, serves it right. +### + + * * * * * + +BAA. To make a noise like a sheep. + +BOW-WOW. To make a noise like a dog. + +BIFF. To make a noise like a boxing glove. + +[Illustration] + +BAGGAGE. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars +and a hair brush which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago. + +BAD ACTOR. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the +audience. + +BADINAGE. Light or playful discourse. For example. "Why does a chicken +cross the street? Because the butcher." + +[Illustration] + +BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there +again to quench their thirst. + +BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a +piano. + +BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry. + +BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen. + +BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold +day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer. + +It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a +Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the +growler. + +BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian _bun_, meaning high +tide. "Yesterday he annexed a _bundle_ and this morning he sits on +the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare, +page 18.) + + + + +[Illustration: "C--Coogan thinking about home."] + +Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much. + +Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the +wayside. + +Coogan says there is no place like home--and he congratulates the other +places. + +Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it. + + * * * * * + +### + C: The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music, + especially by _prima donnas_ who try to reach it and fall flat. +### + + * * * * * + +CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which +seldom gets there. An inland tugboat. + +[Illustration] + +CAD. A shine with an extra polish on. + +CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale +jokes. + +CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked for. +Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green, Mazuma, and +1,000 others. + +CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day +except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself. + +CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of +booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first. + +COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead +men's shoes. + +COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to catch a +sea-serpent. + +CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud. + +CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she +jumps off a street car--which is backwards. + +CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up. + +CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present. + +CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he +self-made himself. + +COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made up her mind to +marry again. + +COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of +matrimony. + +CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight. + +[Illustration] + +COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then +loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto +"Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks and runs away +will live to cook another day." + +CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so +busy drinking. + +[Illustration] + +CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when +falls the Ace." + + * * * * * + +The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates +better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving conditions +under which the Czar lives and reigns:-- + + + In The Cellar, To-day. + +Dear Tolsey:--My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so +you must excuse bad spelling. + +They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and +the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will +write you. + +Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which +gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the +hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast. + +At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the +iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my +forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end. +Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum Shells, +walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall. + +I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What is +it?" + +"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat! Whether +it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I +don't know, but we will investigationiski at once." + +My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud explosion +confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom contained something +more than nine lives. + +It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent +ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new +furniture. + +Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty. + +I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear +copper-fastened pajamas. + +I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt +neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the +spirit. + +At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the Department of +Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered something suspicious +in the dish of peeled prunes. + +We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free +tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets +hastily and saved our lives again. + +M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods +have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way +from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and there +some compressed knot-holes. + +In a mad moment yesterday I took the Yale lock off my appetite and +ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the +spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth: "Woodman, spare +that tree!" and once more my life was saved. + +Ten minutes ago M. Blackandblueski, the Minister of the Department of +Witch Hazel, rushed into my bulkhead compartment. + +"Oxcooski, Your Majesty," said the Minister, "but this morning the +cookski was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, Your +Majesty, about two minutes afterwards the cookski and the stove and one +side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly +direction. We don't expect them back, because the sausage was stuffed +with rapid transit material, Your Majesty!" + +Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard lines when I +have to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the +teapot? + +Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the +outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewellski! + + * * * * * + +CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for believing that +everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler. + + * * * * * + +In order to study briefly the Custom House system as applied to +returning travellers let us witness the arrival from abroad of the +Secretary of the Treasury. + +Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay +there and make expenses he took a slight trip to Europe. + +Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the good +ship "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer." + +The Stars and Stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he approached +the hospitable shores of Fire Island. + +"It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of Liberty!" said the +Secretary, and ten minutes later the "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer" was at +her dock. + +"Ah! how happy I am to be once more where Freedom reigns!" said the +Secretary as he walked proudly down the gangway plank. + +"Wait!" + +The speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice. + +The Secretary paled his cheeks. + +"Who are you?" + +"I am an American citizen; leave me pass!" exclaimed the Secretary. + +"So am I," said the man with a thick face; "and nothing passes me. You +have been to Europe, have you not?" + +"Do you think I used the 'Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer' to come from Staten +Island?" asked the Secretary. + +The man laughed, loosely. + +"Swear!" he said. + +"At you?" inquired the Secretary. + +"Swear you are not a smuggler," said the roan. + +"I ought to kick you for such an insult," said the Secretary. + +"Business before pleasure," said the man; "swear that you are not a +robber." + +"I swear," said the Secretary; "inwardly, outwardly, earnestly and +pictorially, I swear!" + +"By the memory of George Washington you swear that you are not a +smugglesome man?" + +"I do," said the Secretary. + +"Hold up both hands and swear!" + +The Secretary did so. + +"With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the Declaration +of Independence sign this sworn statement," said the man. + +The Secretary did so. + +"Now that you have sworn I will go through your trunks to see if you are +a liar!" said the man. + +"Surely, you should receive one of my best kicks," said the Secretary. + +"Formality first, fun later," said the man, upsetting the largest trunk. + +"Aha! what is this?" + +"It is a pair of open-work socks," said the Secretary. + +"Opened in Europe--yes? Bad business! bad business! I begin to suspect +you. What is this?" + +"That is a pipe which I bought in Baden-Baden," said the Secretary. "I +am taking it to my cousin in Springfield, Mass., for a souvenir." + +"I will help your cousin to stop smoking," said the man, putting the +pipe in his pocket. "Aha! what is this?" + +The Secretary blushed his face. + +"What is this?" + +"That is my pair of pajamas!" said the Secretary. + +"Pajamas?" + +"Put them back, please?" said the Secretary. "A man's pajamas are not +for the vulgar gaze of the world!" + +"Pajamas!" said the man. + +"My pajamas!" said the Secretary. + +"They look like a Chinaman's Sunday trousers--yes?" + +The Secretary looked into the pitiless faces of the multitude which was +gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save small bunches of +laughter. + +"Come!" said the man, "where is the Chink that goes with this wearing +apparel? Did you hear over the wireless system about the labor strikes +and try to smuggle in some cheap labor?" + +"I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself!" said the Secretary, +interrupting a sob in his throat. + +"You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where?" + +"In the secrecy of my boudoir," said the Secretary. + +"Aha!" said the man, "so you have some boudoir, too! Bad business! bad +business! I have never heard of a Boudoir Trust, therefore, we do not +make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder. +What is in this bottle?" + +"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the +cough. + +"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous." + +"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said +the Secretary. + +"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a +tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a _cafe au lait_ or +a _cafe chanteuse_ in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is +always wise to watch him. Open your mouth!" + +The Secretary did so. + +"What have you been drinking?" + +"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary. + +"Domestic or imported?" + +"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary. + +"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man. + +"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary. + +Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over +his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka +amidst the ruins of his dress suit. + +"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over. + +"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly. + +As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow politely +at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic: "You for the seat +away back!" + +"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that +my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!" + +And he did it. + +From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much +Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald +spots where it is missing. + +If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the +Custom House. + + + + +[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."] + +Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it? + +Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did. + +Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush. + +Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung. + + * * * * * + +### + D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth. +### + + * * * * * + +DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See _Dream_. + +DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates +are loosened. + +DAMSEL. See Daisy. + +DARLING. See your best girl. + +DAFFY. See a doctor. + +[Illustration] + +DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night. + +DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth. + +[Illustration] + +DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug--especially if she's +pretty. + +DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die. + +DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a +description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge! + +DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention. + +DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to +ruin. + +DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why +woman sweeps all before her. + + + + +[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great +deal."] + +Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of +grammar it uses. + +Evil be to him who evil drinketh. + +Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new +deal. + +Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room. + + * * * * * + +### + E: The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end + of a word--quite unlike some women _you_ know of, eh! +### + + * * * * * + +EAR. A place which hears a great many things which should never have +been said. + +[Illustration] + +EARTH. An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two +classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers. + +EDEN. The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied +the human race. + +ECSTASY. A state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you +are in a runaway automobile, you are in _ecstasy_ until you hit a +telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital. + +EGOTIST. A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he +is the greatest ever. + +ELBOW. Something you give a man you don't like. + +EASTER. A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young +men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the +pocketbook, leads on to the milliners. + +ELOPE. A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa +for funds to get home. + +[Illustration] + +ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal +only to the spectators. + +EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker. + +ENVY. The root of much criticism. + +ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to +wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars. + +EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the +scholar to run away from school. + + + + +[Illustration: "F--There's only one thing to do however."] + +Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods. + +Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success. + +Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she +knocks on your door. + +Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry. + + * * * * * + +### + F: The sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the + breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that + doesn't seem to worry it any. +### + + * * * * * + +FABLE. The story a man thinks his wife believes--and she lets him think +it. + +FAD. See hobby. + +[Illustration] + +FADE. To gradually disappear. For example: "I had ten plunks when I went +out last night, but they faded away." (Lord Palmerston, page 21.) + +FAKE. Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level. + +FAITH. Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad +contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along. + +FAULT. Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it +when we find it. + +FAMILY. The only cure for race suicide. + +FAVOR. Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it. + +FLATTERER. A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about +himself. + +FORGER. A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out +the wrong name. + +FRIEND. A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise. + +FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for +the purpose of using them. + +[Illustration] + +FOOTBALL. A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the +Latin words "footibus," meaning "_put the boots to him_," and +"balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public +building?" A body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For +instance: + + Sing a song of football + Pockets full of salve; + Four and twenty legs all + Punctured at the calve. + Captain in the hospital + Fullback in the soup, + Twenty-seven faces + Broken in the group. + Sophomores and Freshmen + Punched around the ring; + When the war was over + The boys began to sing! + + Raw! Raw! Raw! + Raw! Raw! Raw! + Stew them! + Fry them! + Raw! Raw! Raw! + Oysters! + + + + +[Illustration: "G--The friends that Gold buys shake hands with two +fingers."] + +Great oaths from little aching corns do grow. + +Great minds run in the same channel--especially if they are sea +captains. + +Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife. + +Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us +have names without price. + + * * * * * + +### + G: The seventh letter of the alphabet. Used by the ancients as an + expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee! +### + + * * * * * + +GAB. The product of a ball-bearing chin. + +GAG. A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian. + +GAS. A substance we make light of until the bill comes in. _"You may +hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas +company just the same_." (Shakespeare, page 9.) + +GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out. + +GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please +Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was +down in the grocery store. + +GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to +get poorer. + +GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast. + +GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy. + +GENIUS. Something we have in _our_ family--if you don't believe me, +come and hear our little boy recite. + +[Illustration] + +GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman. + +GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't +time to prove him otherwise. + +GERM. See _microbes_. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a +magnifying glass. + +GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See _dag my buttons!_ See +any Reub. + +GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both. +A woman who can put two and two together and make five. + +GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in +small change left in the pocket. + +GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department +store. + +GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can +be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward +applications of diamonds on the chest. + + * * * * * + +Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian _raconteur_, thus +describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York, +as follows:-- + +I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably. + +I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not +unspeakably. + +The ladies, Heaven bless them! seemed to be suffering from that operatic +disease which is called nervous conversation. + +This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the +curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out. + +I also enjoyed the names of the singers. + +Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent out by +a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in the oven +until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a +custard pudding. + +Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name which +listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat. + +Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain +Schmidt or Jones. + +There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name +I ever witnessed. + +If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day +bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden. + +Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a +skirmish between the Russians and the Japs. + +I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all +the letters he caught he kept. + +I liked the plot of the Opera. + +[Illustration] + +She was a blonde lady with one of those _embonpoint_ faces which +must cost a good deal to keep in repair. + +The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead +which had moved into his hair when it was very young. + +I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was +the usher who gave me a seat. + +I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent +and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening +without taking 32 bars rest. + +My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious. + +The story of the Opera was simple. + +A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and +came out on the stage. + +Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies +went away. + +Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice. + +Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo +eyes at the tall gentleman. + +He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and +took a couple of high notes. + +She took the same. + +Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much +earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous +exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was +pitiful. + +When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made +some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo. + +The story he told was simplicity itself. + +Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept +saying "Aha! aha-eo! I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la- +la!-aha!-aha-eo! For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one- +thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!" + +Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto, +ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!" + +It was delicious. + +But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was +crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into +"Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda. + +So I stood up and went home. + + + + +[Illustration: "H--It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach."] + +He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach. + +How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they +need! + +Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a +limburger sandwich. + +"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer. + + * * * * * + +### + H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because + Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!) +### + + * * * * * + +HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue +words when you step on a tack. + +HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest +provocation. + +[Illustration] + +HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the +purpose of falling out later on. + +HARD JOB. Trying to live without working. + +HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people +prefer lemons. + +HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to +the drugstore. + +HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human +beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the +Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?_"--which means much +or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at. + +HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the +case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes into +history and cannot get out again. + +HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the +drugstore. + +HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end +seat. + +HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The +excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve. + +HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a +transfer to the day after to-morrow. + +HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has no show. +Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until +the price is known. + +[Illustration] + +HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife +something to worry about. See _Fourflush_. Also look in the +discard. + +HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes out +through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A +brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades. + +The word comes from the Swedish language, "_Sockett Toodem_," which +means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!_" + +HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back is +turned. + + + + +[Illustration: "I--When two people quarrel and smile at the same time, +the third person can go for the separation papers."] + +It is a wise son that owes his own father. + +It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress. + +If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask. + +It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to +run for a policeman. + + * * * * * + +### + I: The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in + connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U. +### + + * * * * * + +ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads. + +IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of +a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis. +(Milton, page 7.) + +IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff. + +[Illustration] + +INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he +sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too +loud on the Sabbath day. + +INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer. + +IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to +stay home because his wife has acute indigestion. + +INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up +barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair +clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or +not. + + * * * * * + +The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into +insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the +reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild +foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years. + +This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to +the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and +scalping knives are a little dull at first. + +In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog, +Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the +vicinity of an Indian reservation: + +"Hist!" + +The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted +barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at +intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation. + +"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber. + +"Hist!" + +Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant +horizon. + +On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward! + +Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop. + +Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working +clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the +cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors. + +The Indian entered the barber shop. + +"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely. + +"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour +ago--hence the delay. The bay rum, please!" + +"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber. + +"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian. + +"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber. + +"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am not +for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep me +waiting!" + +The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him. + +"What is your name?" he said painfully. + +"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly. + +"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get +your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed. + +"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely. + +Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him. + +"Ugh!" said the Indian. + +"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in English. + +"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo. +"Well, I am next to this business. You have bay rum and I have a +thirst--let us get together!" + +"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the +barber. + +"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I +have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!" + +"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber. + +It was his last whisper in that shop. + +Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay +rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst. + +[Illustration] + +This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his +head. + +Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow +black before him. + +The barber groaned in agony. + +It was thrilling. + +When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and +foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington +for inventing the barber shop. + +That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary, +walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the +Interior Department. + + + + +[Illustration: "J--The Tip End of the season."] + +Jolly not that you be not jollied. + +Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain +if she could see them. + +Journeys end in porter tippings. + +Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable. + + * * * * * + +### + J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to + designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be. +### + +[Illustration: JAY] + + * * * * * + +JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker. + +JOCKEY. A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse +finishes. + +JOKE. Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves. + +[Illustration.] + +JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face. + +JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all. + +JOY. Gladness with the lid off. + +JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag. + +JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in +reality they are merely lucky at guessing things. + +JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it. + + + + +[Illustration: "K--A Small boy can spoil the most favorable +circumstance."] + +Kisses go by favorable circumstances. + +Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them. + +Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're shaving yourself. + +Knockers never have weak lungs. + + * * * * * + +### + K: The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle. +### + + * * * * * + +KEEN. A grafter with a victim in sight. + +KENO. What the grafter says when he's through with the victim. + +KEEP. The motto of the Trusts. + +KEY. An instrument used at 2 A.M. in connection with a door to determine +whether a man is sober or not. + +[Illustration] + +KEROSENE. An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out +through the kitchen roof. + +KICKER. A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside. + +KISS. A sigh set to music. The oldest monopoly in the world with the +exception of John D. Rockerfeller. A kiss is the soul's cocktail. A +wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the +side. + +[Illustration] + +KNOCKER. A hurdle in the way of the worthy. A chin-critic. An expert +with the harpoon. + + + + +[Illustration: "L--When a man is so lazy that he won't talk he is +called profound."] + +Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa. + +Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue. + +Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a +quarter. + +Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who +has the cash. + + * * * * * + +### + L: The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the + purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad. +### + + * * * * * + +LABOR. Trying to get back the money you loaned. + +[Illustration] + +LADY. A gentleman woman. + +LAMB. A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street. + +LARK. A bird of a name given to a bird of a time. + +LIGHT. An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money. + +LITERARY FAILURE. A man whose brain was unfit for publication. + +[Illustration] + +LOBSTER. A shine after he gets in the swim. + +LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another +man to collect it. + +LOVE. A certain party who is supposed to be blind, but he doesn't seem +to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around. + + + + +[Illustration: "M--One experiment that few are willing to make."] + +Money cannot buy happiness, but most of us are willing to make the +experiment. + +Many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were +sure their friends wouldn't see them. + +Money is the root of much friendship. + +Marry in haste and repent in Dakota. + + * * * * * + +#### + M: The thirteenth letter of the alphabet, which very few people use + because thirteen is unlucky. +#### + + * * * * * + +MACARONI. An excuse for opening an Italian restaurant. + +MAP. That part of the human face which is visible above the collar. + +[Illustration] + +MARVEL. A man who never tells you his troubles. + +MEDAL. A gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you +intended to do anyway. + +MEDDLER. The fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a +medal. + +MISER. A man who has all the money he wants but wants more. + +MONEY. Something which talks, but a poor man can't keep it long enough +to know what it says. + +[Illustration: 1/1000 MICROBE ENLARGED] + +MICROBE. A very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving +into the system of an entire stranger. Once in it begins to do light +housekeeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis. (For the +meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet. If he doesn't +tell you he's no gentleman.) + + + + +[Illustration: N ] + +No matter how many good things our friends say about us, we are never +surprised. + +Nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's success. + +Needless to say, a friend in need is a friend in the soup. + +Nothing ventured nothing wonderful. + + * * * * * + +### + N: The fourteenth letter of the alphabet, sometimes called a nasal by + those who ought to know better. +### + + * * * * * + +NABOB. A man who can put on a new suit of clothes every fifteen minutes. + +NATION. A large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice. +For example: Carrie Nation. + +NATURE. Something which makes no mistakes, with the exception of a +crowded street car. + +NECESSITY. The mother of many an empty stomach. + +[Illustration] + +NECK. A place to get it in. + +NEXT. The battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed. + +NIT. An abbreviation of Nix. + +NIX. An abbreviation of Nit. + +NOPE. An abbreviation of No! + +[Illustration] + +NOISE. The sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man. + +NODDLE. The place where some people think they think. + +NOVEL. A book that sells better than it reads. + + + + +[Illustration: "O--A well balanced Head."] + +Of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about. + +Oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold +on to his reputation. + +Opportunity is something a Fool waits for while the Wise Guy runs down +the road to meet it. + +Occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in +order to have a well-balanced head. + + * * * * * + +### + O: The fifteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally by the Irish + in front of their names. +### + + * * * * * + +OH! The mild-mannered sister of Ouch! + +OATS. A substance invented by Nature and intended for a breakfast food, +but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete. + +OBEY. A word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the +parties of the first part something to kick about. + +[Illustration] + +OCULIST. A man many young people should consult who think they have +fallen in love at first sight. + +OIL. See John D. Rockerfeller--if you can. + +OLD HEN. The pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the +roost. + +OLIVE. A green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it +out with his fingers. See _Cherry_. + +ONION. A noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us +in street cars. + +OPERA. A device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good +singer. + +OPPORTUNITY. Something never seen until it is not there to be looked at. + +ORIGINALITY. The gift some people have of saying the bright things which +we intended to think about later on. + +OSLER. A modern abbreviation of chloroform. An up to date bogie man +invented for the purpose of chasing "has-beens" to the woods. + +OSLERESQUE. The state of being ready for _Oslerizing_. See any man +over forty. + +OSLERISM. The art of picking out a fit subject for the _Osler_ +treatment. "You can lead an old man into a drugstore but you can't make +him drink chloroform." (Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, page 19.) + +OSLERIZE. To pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and +telephone for the undertaker. + +OSLERITIS. An attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became +epidemic in the newspapers. + +OSLEROOZA. A man who believes in _Oslerism_. He is generally a +young man in love with a girl whose Papa is over forty and who wears No. +11 shoes of a high voltage. + +OSLERETTA. A young woman who believes in _Oslerism_. She is the +same girl whose Papa has just been mentioned. + + + + +[Illustration: "P--Philosophy makes good reading for the man who has +his rent paid."] + +Perseverance is the root of all money. + +Perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he +thinks he is a warm baby. + +Pleasure travels with a brass band, but Trouble sneaks in on rubber +shoes. + +Philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves. + + * * * * * + +### + P: The sixteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally in pickled + peppers. +### + + * * * * * + +PAINT. A polite name for balloon juice. See the bartender. + +PALPITATION OF THE TONGUE. A disease that affects many women. + +PATRIOT. A man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy +and doesn't hold out $2 for the doctor's bill. + +PATHOS. A poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke. + +PEACH. A bit of domestic fruit, consisting of blonde tresses, a dimple, +and three bows of pink ribbon. + +PEEKABOO. A summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's +shirtwaist something like a barb-wire fence with a full view of the +scenery. It is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven. +The Peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth. + +PENITENTIARY. An assembly hall which always plays to a full house +because whiskey is it's advance agent. + +PHILOSOPHER. A man who can size himself up and forget the result. + +PLAN. Something which any fool can lay, but it takes patience like a hen +to hatch it. + +PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow. + +[Illustration] + +POETICAL LICENSE. A woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name +of Birdie. + +POLITICS. The place where a man gets it--sometimes in the neck, +sometimes in the bank. + +POLITICIAN. The reason we have so much politics. + +POPULARITY. The cold storage house where the world sends her favorites +before she forgets them. + +POSTERITY. A lot of people who will forget all about you before they are +born. + +PRACTICAL JOKE. When Nature makes a pink lobster look like a man. + +PREDICTION. A bit of funny business invented by the Weather Man for the +purpose of playing tiddledewinks with the weather. He says what he +thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases. + +[Illustration] + +PROMISE. What a man says to a woman or a child to keep them quiet. + +PRUDE. A female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can +blush to listen and listen to blush. + + + + +[Illustration: "Q--Young writers Outfit."] + +Quitters cannot be trained to quit quitting. + +Queer, isn't it, that the lazier a man gets the more he wants to work +somebody else. + +Quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists. + +Qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays. + + * * * * * + +### + Q: The seventeenth and the most hunted letter in the alphabet, because + it is always followed by u. +### + + * * * * * + +QUACK. A doctor who ducks the law. + +QUARREL. Something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe. + +QUART. The amount of wine a sport always wants to open. + +QUIRE. A bunch of singers in a church. Sometimes called _Choir_, +sometimes called down. See Scrap, fight, jealousy. + +[Illustration] + +QUIVER. To shake for the drinks. + +QUITTER. A man who stops before he gets started. + + + + +[Illustration: "R--The Rolling Stone at the Bottom of the Hill."] + +Remember--you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to +spend your money that way. + +Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a +street car backwards. + +Race suicide doesn't appeal to poor people. + +Rolling stones gather no moss but look at the excitement they have. + + * * * * * + +### + R: The eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to began + a college yell; thus, Rah! Rah! Rah! +### + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +RAG. A material invented for chewing purposes. + +RAKE. A man-about-town after he gets shop worn. + +RARE. The way you get roast beef when you order it well done. + +REFORM. A bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets +here. + +RETRIBUTION. A man who marries for money and finds it is all in +Confederate bills. + +[Illustration] + +RICHES. Something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it, +because they never flew my way. + +ROYSTERER. A man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to +eat cracked oats in his age. + +[Illustration] + +RACE-SUICIDE. A disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when +he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaids steady +employment. For instance: + + +Rondeau. + + There was a nice old lady and + She lived within her shoe; + She had so many children that + She didn't know what to do. + She wrote the President and said + "I have twenty kids or more!" + The President replied to her + "Encore, old girl, encore!" + She answered, "I've no room at home + For more, so I am through!" + And he replied, "Why don't you go + And get another shoe?" + +--Sir Walter Scott, page 96. + + +RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation +family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples: + + * * * * * + +Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his +pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved? + +Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's +mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be +when the book gets back? + +Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor. +Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How +long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth? + +Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to +his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them +he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which +train did James take and when does Ann expect him back? + +Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty +cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the +clerks swearing at after Ann went out? + +Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter. +Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head. +Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube? + +Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in +a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the +races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the +grocer? + +Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one +sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four +nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma +crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill? + +Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour. +Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers. +Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she +received a seat? + + + + +[Illustration: "S--The black Sheep."] + +Some people's talk is too cheap at any price. + +Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time. + +Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that +a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it. + +Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love. + + * * * * * + +### + S: The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant, + because it makes a hissing sound like a goose. +### + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to +start a church. + +SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man. + +SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his +hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women. + +SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss. + +SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the +weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day, +according to the mood the landlord is in. + +SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned. + +SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting +till you get it. + +STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for +personal reasons. + +SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments. + +[Illustration] + +SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make +enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers. +Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough. + +SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are +parted. + +SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a +corner-stone. + +SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are +chosen. For instance: + + Little Jack Horner + Sat in a corner + Riding down town on the "L." + He jumped to his feet + Gave a lady his seat-- + I'm a liar, but don't it sound well. + +--Oliver Goldsmith, page 34. + + +SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars. + + * * * * * + +Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"--see +page 946--as follows: + +The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space +that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers. + +The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers run edgeways, +and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars +coming. + +[Illustration] + +The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has +ever been invented. + +The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the +passengers out with a can-opener. + +Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health +and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards +and inquire feebly for a sanitarium. + +To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all +that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had. + +The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York +have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the +brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam, +Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung. + +To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to +get out again is an assassination. + +One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once +touching the floor with my feet. + +Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come +between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on +to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a +windy day. + +Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all +winter to act the part of a refrigerator. + +It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars. + +In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs. + +That is because this country is young and impulsive. + +The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often +follow a stranger all the way home. + +Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against +my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, I did not reach down and +kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the +dumb brutes of the field. + +Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of +condensed milk. + +The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a +lemon squeezer. + +When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get +out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your +knee to lean over. + +[Illustration] + +Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you +will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens +to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't +go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation. + +A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four +to carry. + +The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by +one of these sardine-cars. + +The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars, +but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the +rebellious standing on the corner. + +We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how +careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called +after a cocktail. + +This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to +get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed +into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us +into insensibility. + +Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an +alarm clock. + +For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages, +but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of +strangers he never met before. + +One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a +two-year-old, full of health and happiness. + +During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up +in front of me and removed the scenery. + +One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to +show how sorry he was to leave me. + +One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time +because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my +lap. + +When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and +if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him. + +Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap. + +During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares +I ever rode behind. + +The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the +idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he +started to play the overture from _William Tell_ until I yelled +"W'at'ell!" + +That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from +standing on my feet. + +Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home. + +If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a +sardine-car is alive he should have a monument. + +My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and +have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare. + +Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime. + + + + +[Illustration: "T--Blue sky of a Greenish Hue."] + +The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke +he finds he has burned most of them. + +The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills. + +The mud slinger never has clean hands. + +The way of the transgressor is hard on his family. + + * * * * * + +### + T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author + of the alphabet always drank coffee. +### + + * * * * * + +TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which +certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See +_gambling_. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't +see you first. + +TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke. + +TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment. + +TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may +hand it back to you with a short-arm jab. + +TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip. + +THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow. + +TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man. + +THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the +purpose of driving humanity to drink. + +[Illustration] + +TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a +hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it. + +TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full. + +TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never +figures in politics because it forgets to register. + + + + +[Illustration: "U--Both Ends."] + +Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed. + +Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives +talking about home industry. + +Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown. + +Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his +pocketbook runs dry. + + * * * * * + +### + U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some + scandal because it is always tagging after Q. +### + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game. + +UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to. + +UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without +reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a +stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she +spent forty cents for baby's new shoes. + +UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke. + + + + +[Illustration: "V--Ideas Expressed."] + +Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured. + +Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors. + +Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them. + +Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value. + + * * * * * + +### + V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for + a five-dollar bill. +### + + * * * * * + +VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with +his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and +looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose. + +VACANT. The top story of a snob. + +[Illustration] + +VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads. + +VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose +smile at the same time. + +VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's +feet at the head of the bed. See _Jag_ and _Soused_. + +VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a +small amount. + +VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, +with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, +noise. + + + + +[Illustration: "W--Smile, please!"] + +When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish. + +Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man +look like 30 cents. + +When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always +turns him down. + +When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious. + + * * * * * + +### + W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very + well in the matter of a name. +### + + * * * * * + +WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful +weapon in the hands of a steady spender. + +WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace. + +[Illustration] + +WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace +that kills. + +WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play +tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the +weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow, +with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from +the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the +truth, but I don't need the money." + +WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son. + +WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable. + + + + +[Illustration: "X--The Old School."] + +Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night +school. + +Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good +fashion. + +Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance. + +Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over +again. + + * * * * * + +### + X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in + that very few words are fastened to it. +### + + * * * * * + +X. That ten dollars you loaned some time ago. + +XTRACTOR. The fellow you loaned it to. + +[Illustration] + +XCITEMENT. What happened when you tried to get it back. + +X-RAYS. A machine you'll have to use to find your X. + + + + +[Illustration: "Y--Men have been known to Listen."] + +You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag. + +Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend. + +Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never +get rich. + +You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be, +unless he gets on the wrong car. + + * * * * * + +### + Y: The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous + nature because it's always in rye. (Mercy!) +### + + * * * * * + +YAP. The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway. + +YACHT. A device which eats up money and yells for more. + +[Illustration] + +YOKE. The way a Swede says joke. + +YESTERDAY. The day upon which our ship should have arrived. + + + + +[Illustration: "Z--Falling Out of Love."] + +Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl. + +Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience. + +Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties +concerned. + +Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man +with money to believe it. + + * * * * * + +### + Z: The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it. +### + + * * * * * + +ZEAL. The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs. + +ZEBRA. An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z. + +ZERO. The place where the cold waves come from. + +ZIP. The same as _Zow_. + +ZOW. The same as _Zip_. + +ZOO. A garden scented by wild animals. + +[Illustration] + +ZABO. A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff. + + + + +APPENDIX. + +(This part of the book may be cut out.) + + +AUTOMOBILES. + +A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By +All Automobile Societies. + + +The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser. + +It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the +livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a +ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void. + +Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the +_Chauffeur_, because he knows which way to jump out. + +_Chauffeur_ is the name of the man who points the machine at you +and dares you to get out of the way. + +We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a +horseless wagon when it goes real fast. + +That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the +French. + +_Chauffeur_ was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should +give it back at the first opportunity. + +The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's +Delight," because it lived up to its name. + +Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be +composed which would help the general public to die easier when +automobo-annihilated. + +Here are the rules: + + +1.--One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business +men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone +indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the +street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very +bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's +bills. + +2.--Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to +the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely, +and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who +refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely. + +3.--Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to +the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest, +doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general +elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the +distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, +tried, convicted and sent to Siberia. + +4.--Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal +for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees, +statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short +cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to +obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its +way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over. + +5.--Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to +all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the +vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals +and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of +harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will +do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be +excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the +meaning of vicinage. + +6.--Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to +conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, +lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the +passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen +on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage +and compel them to drink gasoline. + +7.--One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood +not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe +this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six +consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction. + +8.--Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout +means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells, +and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden +appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of +this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can +attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the +vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban +part of the head of the offending coal cart director. + +9.--If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion +for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of +pleasure and a joy forever. + + + + +LITTLE BLASTS OF HOT AIR. + + +Life is a tragedy, and that's the best reason why it should be well +acted. + +What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people +along. + +A fault-finder is a home-made knocker. + +Every woman jumps quickly from mice and at conclusions. + +"Don't be a clam," must be wisdom on the half shell. + +The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker. + +Hot air is mighty, and will prevail in politics. + +A fool and his money is the root of much laughter. + + + + +INSOMNIA. + +How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure. + + +1.--Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner. +By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will +be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed. + +2.--Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special +attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs. This +will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance +and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept +the rest of the household awake as well as yourself. + +3.--Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset +the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize +what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become +so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper +during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing. + +4.--Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body +and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then +be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either +of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia. + +5.--Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe +pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a +grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into +convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you +will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by +listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the +other members of the household. + +6.--Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before +retiring. If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and +you may then go about your daily labor with the happy consciousness that +you have saved the bed clothes a great deal of wear and tear. + +7.--Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular +care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a +tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side. It is also +calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your +feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with +an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant +diversion in a sleepless night. + +8.--Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear +thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if +you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and +count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the +folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you +know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them +burgle--you have business of your own to attend to. A man with a +thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling +details. + + + + +WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES. + + +All is not cold that shivers. + +Success never shakes hands with a lazy man. + +An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the +divorce court. + +The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his +brains. + +Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an +angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him. + +If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many +times a day would we be insulted. + + + + +WHIST. + +Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game. + + +Whist is a well known game with cards. It requires close attention and +silence. Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their +partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never +learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never +fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it, however, but +politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide +world. + +The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the +intricacies of the delightful game of whist. If they do not help you the +only thing to do is to try pinochle:-- + +Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick. +It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then +your opponents may feel deeply chagrined. + +Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen +words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear +you, and scowl darkly at you. + +Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or +she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and +resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to +look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had +sense enough to mind your own business. + +Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The +limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now +say eighteen. + +Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption fits +are very bad form, and they delay the game. + +Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It +shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table, +especially if you are in a strange house. + +Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is +not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. It has a much better +effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El +Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer." + +Don't talk politics while playing whist. Either whist or politics will +suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of +34,647,933 it is whist that suffers. + +Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile +disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular +arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor +your facial expression may be ruined for life. + +Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no +right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or +refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac +for so doing. + +Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a +winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make +kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor. + +Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then +get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted +to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air. +Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood. + +Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the +table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it +makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers. + +Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It +draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws +uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the +use of a club. + +Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts +your ace to sleep with a little trump. Trumps were invented for that +purpose, and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty. + + + + +A FEW HARMLESS GERMS. + + +How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time. + +A Miss is as good as a mile of Misses--if you love the girl. + +The horseshoe is always lucky--when the horse wins. + +A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time. + +One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the +earth. + +Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get your name in the papers +so often. + + + + +BASEBALL. + +Being a Guide for the Grouchy Grandstandee. + + +These "do nots" have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with +a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery +climbs out over his collar, and who shows symptoms of being dazed and +disorderly during the progress of a game. + +Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the +slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting you had +better get up on the back of the seat also. + +Don't stop to make a careful selection of the English language before +addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking. +Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be +glad to get out. + +Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate +neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a +man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself. + +Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of +the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to +the game especially to hear your views on this subject. + +Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the +home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at +times, and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade +hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterbeerean voice. + +Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening--and, if your voice is +as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the Western +Hemisphere will have to listen--that you know more about the game than +Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother, Methuselah. Under certain +circumstances modesty is a crime; therefore, you should not commit a +crime by withholding this information. + +Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will +notice it if you do, and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you +think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's +ears as the sweet strains of a whiskey-trimmed voice ringing softly on +the evening air: "Hey, red-light, youse is a robber an' a thief!" +Umpires love to be criticised in this manner. With every criticism they +brace up wonderfully, and their straying sense of justice returns. +You've noticed this fact, of course. + +Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember, it is very +hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides, if he does, and +jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your +slats, you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and +come to your assistance. + +Don't forget to use the most blood-curdling and decorative style of +language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of +hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all +quarters, and will stamp you as a gentleman of the aber-nit style of +architecture. + +Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you +who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they +cannot enjoy you and your lung-power exhibit, they should stay at home. +Keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a +consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into his +cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in +witch hazel, and get ready for the morrow. + + + + +BURSTS OF CONFIDENCE. + + +A trouble-hunter always makes a success of his job. + +The girl who hesitates is left at the hitching post. + +The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous. + +The wise man saves up for a rainy day, and always stays in the house +when it storms. + +It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances. + +Some men are like a phonograph--they talk when you start them, but they +have no originality. + + + + +THE POOR MAN'S COOK BOOK. + +(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.) + + +This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the +hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat +and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs +the money. + +The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us +begin with the soup: + + +MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.--Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and +draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the +feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle +a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a +blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of +a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the +saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side. + +BEEF TEA.--Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it +is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown +it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg +over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco +and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon +in the finger bowl. + +MOCK BEEFSTEAK.--Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them +away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon +as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten +minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the +face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to +sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley +can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no +green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it +simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not +done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is +your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve +hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in +the family use both shoes. + +IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in +a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and +hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish +the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato +begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as +not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce +dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust +has ever invented for the poor man. + +MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a +spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas +trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a +saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a +pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a +little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle +rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. +This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is +now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner +eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor. + +IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is +a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its +teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in +a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two +hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids +digestion. + +OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of +the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers +from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and +add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water +before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with +watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at +the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to +suggest it. + +MOCK GIBLETS.--Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with +chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that +you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them +sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let +them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. +Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some +people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is +only for the wealthy. + +IMITATION PRUNE PIE.--Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. +Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot +oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. +Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them. + +BREAKFAST BACON.--Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the +interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them +sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them +sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the +griddle. + +SARATOGA CHIPS.--The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove +the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them +and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side. + +MOCK BAKED BEANS.--Take as many buttons as the family can afford and +remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir +gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and +let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the +location you find yourself living on the map. + +OATMEAL PUDDING.--Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board +and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two +hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate +it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and +add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea +is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust. + +HAMBURGER STEAK.--Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is +nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an +over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the +moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth +for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and +slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of +potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes +closed tight. + +APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the +ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple +from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper +will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take +the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the +blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it +boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to +him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the +Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!" + +IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and +select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words +coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. +Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's +pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous +animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare +the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can +obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After +Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish. +Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle +for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese +napkins. + +MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the +handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast +food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the +whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of +salt on the northwestern end. + +MOCK CLAMS.--Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of +tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a +dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish. + + + +THE FINISH. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SILLY SYCLOPEDIA *** + +***** This file should be named 15705.txt or 15705.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/7/0/15705/ + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, David Garcia and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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