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diff --git a/15688.txt b/15688.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f096a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1912 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 13, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 23, 2005 [EBook #15688] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +June 13, 1917. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Count TISZA has declared his intention of going to the Front for the +duration of the War. He denies, however, that he caught the idea from +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + + *** + +The Germans announced that Cherisy was impregnable. In view of the +fact that the place has since been captured by the British it is felt +that Sir DOUGLAS HAIG could not have read the German announcement. + + *** + +Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their houses during +the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who have only a little +Bunting should hang that out instead. + + *** + +A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll scratchers" +for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In justice to the bird +it must be stated that she has frequently expressed a desire to be +allowed to do war-work, but has been discouraged. + + *** + +A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking into a +Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth L2,350. There is really +no excuse for this sort of thing, as the public have been repeatedly +asked by the Government not to go in for expensive jewellery. + + *** + +An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a substitute sent +to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The department has apologised +for the mistake and explained that it was thought the man was required +to deliver milk. + + *** + +According to the _Berliner Tageblatt_, twenty-nine houses in Oberreuth +have been burned down and a villager aged ninety-seven years has been +arrested. The veteran, it appears, puts down his sudden crime to the +baneful influence of the cinema. + + *** + +One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather buttons +in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready to assume that +this will have any effect on the existing meat-pie shortage. + + *** + +Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show a marked +decrease of mortality among the inmates since they were placed on +rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by the declaration that +the notices which deal with "Enquiries for Lost Children" and are +prominently displayed in the Gardens were actually in vogue before the +rationing system was introduced. + + *** + +Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat of +Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this commodity +an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to accept caviare +instead. + + *** + +"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted drinking water," +says _The British Medical Journal_, "have been obtained by the use +of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It appears that you just mention this +name to the germs (stopping for lunch in the middle) and the little +beggars are scared to death. + + *** + +In a recent message to General LUDENDORFF, the KAISER refers to the +German defence as being "mainly in your hands." And only last April +they were professing to find it in HINDENBURG'S feet. + + *** + +It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a precaution +it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have his full name and +address written on the collar. + + *** + +The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the loss +of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little book just +published, entitled _How to Keep Dogs_. + + *** + +"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said the Chairman +of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a one-eyed man passed +for general service. The case is not unique, however, for a one-eyed +man named NELSON is recorded as having seen some general service in +the early part of the nineteenth century. + + *** + +Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot in almost +any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting a friend. + + *** + +A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the mother took +the baby to the recruiting office, where we are told the military were +satisfied that a mistake had been made. + + *** + +The author of an article in _The Daily Mail_ stated recently that nine +readers of that paper had sent him poems. This of course is only to be +expected of a newspaper which advocates reprisals. + + *** + +According to the _Vossische Zeitung_ washing soap is unobtainable +in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can be obtained only at +prohibitive prices. + + *** + +Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN, the sculptor, +was stated to have passed the medical test. On the other hand Mr. +EPSTEIN'S Venus is still regarded as medically unfit. + + *** + +A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth birthday +declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the secret of good +health. This is a great triumph for the milk trade. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate_ (_to old parishioner troubled with insomnia_). +"HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?" + +_Old Lady_. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT SETS ME WORRYIN' +ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY. + + The best game the fairies play, + The best game of all, + Is sliding down steeples-- + You know they're very tall. + You fly to the weathercock + And when you hear it crow + You fold your wings and clutch your things, + And then you let go! + + They have a million other games; + Cloud-catching's one; + And mud-mixing after rain + Is heaps and heaps of fun; + But when you go and stay with them + Never mind the rest; + Take my advice--they're very nice, + But steeple-sliding's best! + + * * * * * + + "Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years old + (neutral)."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Why doesn't it join the Allies? + + * * * * * + +A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES. + +"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've _got_ one +all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't know as I'm at liberty +to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is this 'ere Defence o' the Realm +Act--see? Why, there was a feller I knew got ten days' cells for just +tellin' a young woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was." + +It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent the +greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances bent upon +finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of course during +his absence Bill had written home regularly, but his letters had been +models of discretion and confined to matters of the strictest personal +interest. Since his return quite a number of temporary coldnesses +had arisen as a result of his obstinate reticence, and the retired +station-master, after several attacks both in front and flank had +ignominiously failed, flew into a rage and said he didn't believe +there was any Navy left to tell about, the Germans having sunk it all +at the Battle of Jutland. + +Bill said they might 'ave done, he really didn't know, not to be +certain. + +But now, with his bundle handkerchief beside him, just having another +drink on his way to the station, Bill really seemed to be relenting +a little. The customers of the "Malt House" all leaned forward +attentively to listen. + +"It's all among friends, Bill," said the landlord encouragingly, "it +won't go no further, you can rest easy about that." + +"I've 'eard tell as it's this 'ere Mr. Macaroni," began the baker, +who took in a twopenny paper every day, and gave himself well-informed +airs in consequence. + +"If you'd ever been properly eddicated," said Bill, wiping his mouth +on the back of his hand, "you'd know as the best discoveries 'ave been +made by haccident, same as when the feller invented the steam-engine +along of an apple tumblin' on 'is 'ead. That's 'ow it is with this +'ere submarine business, an' no macaroni about it an' no cheese +neither. + +"Sailormen gets a deal o' presents sent 'em nowadays, rangin' from +wrist-watches an' cottage-pianners to woolly 'ug-me-tights in double +sennit. But the best present we ever 'ad--well, I'll tell you. + +"An old lady as was aunt or godmother or something o' the sort to +our Navigatin' Lootenant sent him a present of an extra large tin of +peppermint 'umbugs. Real 'ot uns, they was, and big--well, I believe +you! I've 'ad a deal o' peppermints in my time, but this 'ere +consignment from the Navigator's great-aunt fairly put the lid on. +You'd ha' thought all 'ands was requirin' dental treatment the day +the Navigator shared 'em out, an' when the steersman come off duty, +'e give the course to the feller relievin' the wheel as if 'e'd got an +'ot potato in 'is mouth. + +"Well, the peppermints was in full blast an' the ship smellin' like a +bloomin' sweet factory when the look-out reported a submarine on our +port bow. O' course we was all cleared for haction, an' beginnin' to +feel our Iron Crosses burnin' 'oles in our jumpers, when we begun to +see as there was something funny about 'er. + +"Naturally we was lookin' for 'er to submerge--but not she! There she +sat, waitin' for us, an' all 'er crew was pushin' an' fightin' to get +their 'eads out of 'er conning tower. We was right on top of 'er in +two twos, and all as we 'ad to do was to pick up the officers and crew +as if they was a lot o' wasps as 'ad been drinkin' beer, an' tow the +submarine--which was in fust-rate goin' order, not a month out o' Kiel +dockyard--'ome to a port as I'm not at liberty to mention." + +"But 'ow?" began the baker. + +"I thought as I'd made it middlin' plain," said Bill severely, "but +seein' as some folks wants winders lettin' into their 'eads I suppose +I'd better make it plainer. I daresay you've 'eard as they're very +short o' sweet-stuff in Germany." + +"I 'ave," said the baker triumphantly, "I read it in my paper." + +"Well," said Bill, "there was a wind settin' good and strong from us +towards the submarine, an' when one of 'em as 'appened to be takin' +the air at the time got a sniff of us 'e just couldn't leave off +sniffin'. Then 'e passed the word down to the others, an' the hodour +of the peppermints was that powerful it knocked 'em all of a 'eap, the +same as food on an empty stummnick. See? That's the real reason o' the +sugar shortage. There's 'arf-a-dozen factories workin' night an' day +on Admiralty contracts, turnin' out nothin' at all only peppermint +'umbugs. + +"Simple, ain't it?" Bill concluded, as he paid for his beer and +reached for his bundle. "Anyway, it does as well as anything else to +tell a lot o' folks as can't let a decent sailorman spend 'is bit o' +leaf in peace an' quietness without tryin' to get to know what 'e's +got no business to tell 'em nor them to find out." + + * * * * * + + "Concrete holds its own in the construction of our houses, our + public buildings, our brides...."--_New Zealand Paper_. + +This ought to cement the affections. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMMON IDEALS. + +BRITISH FOOD PROFITEER (_to German ditto_). "ALAS! MY POOR BROTHER. +YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN ENGLISHMAN. ENGLAND IS A FREE COUNTRY." + +[The Berlin _Vossische Zeitung_ states that about four thousand cases +of profiteering are dealt with monthly in Germany.]] + + * * * * * + +THE FUNERAL OF M. DE BLANCHET. + +"Never let your husband have a grievance," said Madame Marcot, +stirring the lump of sugar that she had brought with her to put into +her cup of tea. "It destroys the happiness of the most admirable +households. Have you heard of the distressing case of the de +Blanchets--Victor de Blanchet and his wife?" + +We had not. + +"Very dear friends of mine," said Madame Marcot vivaciously, delighted +at the chance of an uninterrupted innings, "and belonging to a family +of the most distinguished. They were a truly devoted couple, and had +never been apart during the whole of their married life. As for +him, he was an excellent fellow. If he had a fault, it was only that +perhaps he was a little near; but still, a good fault, is it not? When +he was called to the Front his wife was desolated, simply desolated. +And then, poor M. de Blanchet--_not_ the figure for a soldier--of a +rotundity, Mesdames!" And Madame Marcot lifted her eyes heavenwards, +struck speechless for a moment at the thought of M. de Blanchet's +outline. "However, like all good Frenchmen, he made no fuss, but went +off to do his duty. He wrote to his wife every day, and she wrote to +him. + +"All at once his letters ceased, and then, after a long delay, came +the official notice, 'Missing.' Imagine the suspense, the anxiety! For +weeks she continued to hope against hope, but at last she heard that +his body had been found. It had been recognised by the clothes, the +identity disc (or whatever you call it), and the stoutness, for, alas, +the unfortunate gentleman's head had been nearly blown away by a shell +and was quite unrecognisable. Poor Madame de Blanchet's grief was +terrible to witness when they brought her his sad clothing, with the +embroidered initials upon it worked by her own hand. One thing she +insisted on, and that was that his body should be buried at A----, in +the family vault of the de Blanchets, who, as I have said before, are +very distinguished people. "This meant endless red tape, as you may +imagine, and endless correspondence with the authorities, and delays +and vexations, but finally she got her wish, and the funeral was the +most magnificent ever witnessed in that part of the world. You should +have seen the '_faire part_,'" said Madame Marcot, alluding to the +black-bordered mourning intimations sent out in France, inscribed with +the names of every individual member of the family concerned, from the +greatest down to the most insignificant and obscure. "Several pages, I +assure you; and everybody came. The cortege was a mile long. M. l'Abbe +Colaix officiated; there was a full choral mass; and she got her +second cousin once removed, M. Aristide Gerant, who, as you know, +is Director of the College of Music at A----, to compose a requiem +specially for the occasion; and he did not do it for nothing, you may +believe me. In fine, a first-class funeral. But, as she said, when +some of her near relations, including her stepmother, who is not of +the most generous, remonstrated with her on the score of the expense, +'I would wish to honour my dear husband in death as I honoured him in +life.' + +"After it was all over she had a magnificent marble monument erected +over the tomb, recording all his virtues, and with a bas-relief of +herself (a very inaccurate representation, I am told, as it gave her +a Madonna-like appearance to which she can lay no claim in real life) +shedding tears upon his sarcophagus." + +Madame Marcot paused for breath, and, thinking the story finished, we +drifted in with appropriate comments. But we were soon cut short. + +"Ten months afterwards," continued the lady dramatically, "as Madame +de Blanchet, dressed of course in the deepest mourning, was making +strawberry jam in the kitchen and weeping over her sorrows, who should +walk in but Monsieur?" + +"What--her husband?" cried everybody. + +"The same," answered Madame Marcot. "He was a spectacle. He had lost +an arm; his clothing was in tatters, and he was as thin as a skeleton. +But it was Monsieur de Blanchet all the same." + +"What had happened?" we shrieked in chorus. + +"What has happened more than once in the course of this War. He had +been taken prisoner, had been unable to communicate and at last, after +many marvellous adventures, had succeeded in escaping." + +"But the other?" we cried. + +"Ah, now we come to the really desolating part of the affair," said +Madame Marcot. "The corpse in M. de Blanchets clothing, what was he +but a villainous Boche--stout, as is the way of these messieurs--who +had appropriated the clothes of the unfortunate prisoner, uniform, +badges, disc and all, in order, no doubt, to get into our lines and +play the spy. Happily a shell put an end to his activities; but by the +grossest piece of ill-luck it made him completely unrecognisable, so +that Madame de Blanchet, as well as the officers who identified him, +were naturally led into the mistake of thinking him a good Frenchman, +fallen in the exercise of his duty." + +"What happiness to see him back!" I remarked. + +"I believe you," said Madame Marcot, "and touching was the joy of M. +de Blanchet too, until he observed her mourning. He was then inclined +to be slightly hurt at her taking his death so readily for granted. +However, she soon explained the case; but, when he heard that a +nameless member of the unspeakable race was occupying the place in the +family vault that he had been reserving for himself for years past at +considerable cost, he became exceedingly annoyed; and when, through +the medium of his relations, he learned of the first-class funeral, +and of the oak coffin studded with silver, and the expensive full +choral mass, and the requiem specially written for the occasion, and +the marble monument, his wrath was such that in pre-war days, +and before he had undergone the reducing influence of the German +hunger-diet, he would certainly have had an apoplectic seizure. To a +man of his economical turn of mind it was naturally enraging. But the +thing that put the climax on his exasperation was the bas-relief of +his wife, 'ridiculously svelte' as he remarked, shedding tears over +the ashes of a wretched Boche. + +"The situation for him and for the family generally," concluded +Madame Marcot, "is, as you will readily conceive, one of extreme +unpleasantness and delicacy. The cost of exhuming the Hun, after the +really outrageous expense of his interment, is one that a thrifty man +like M. de Blanchet must naturally shrink from; indeed he assures me +that his pocket simply does not permit of it. + +"In the meantime he can never go to lay a wreath upon the tombs of his +sainted father and mother, or pass through the cemetery on his way to +mass (he is a good Catholic), without being reminded of the miserable +interloper and all the circumstances of his magnificent first-class +funeral. Hence he is a man with a grievance--an undying grievance, +I may say--for he is practically certain to have a ghost hereafter +haunting the spot that ought to be its resting-place but isn't. Still, +it is _chic_ to have a ghost in the family. The de Blanchets will be +more distinguished than ever." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. PODDISH?" + +"FINE, THANKEE. THEY'VE MADE 'IM A COLONEL." + +"OH, COME----" + +"CAPTAIN, THEN." + +"GO ON. YOU MEAN CORPORAL, P'RAPS." + +"WELL, 'AVE IT THAT WAY IF YOU LIKE. I KNOW IT BEGAN WITH A 'K.'"] + + * * * * * + +LIFTING AND UPLIFTING. + +Our Canadian contemporary, _Jack Canuck_, publishes a protest against +the invasion of Canada by British temperance reformers, whom it +describes as "uplifters." Immediately below this protest it produces a +picture from _Punch_, lifted without any acknowledgment of its origin. + + * * * * * + + "On Sunday one British pilot, flying at 1,000 ft., saw four + hostile craft at about 5,000 ft., and dived more than a mile + directly at them. As he whirled past the nearest machine he + opened fire, and saw the observer crumple up in the fusselage + as the pilot put the machine into a steep live."--_Dally + Sketch_. + + While confessing ignorance as to the exact nature of a "live," + we are sure it is not as steep as the rest of the story. + + * * * * * + +A MUSCULAR CHRISTIAN. + + "Vicar, Compton Dando, Bristol, would Let two Fields, or few + Yearlings could run with him."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Time 1940._ + +"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT WAR, GRANDPA?" "WHAT DID I DO, MY LAD? I +HELPED TO RELIEVE MAFEKING."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUSINGS OF MARCUS MULL. + +(_IN THE MANNER OF AN ILLUSTRIOUS MENTOR_.) + +I. + +I noted in last week's issue the persistence of the strange story that +Mr. GLADSTONE, in his wrath at his reduced majority in Midlothian, +broke chairs when the news arrived. I was careful to add that, as the +result of searching investigation, I was in a position to state that +Mr. GLADSTONE never did any such thing. Still I cannot altogether +regret having alluded to the story in view of the interesting letters +on the subject which have reached me from a number of esteemed +correspondents. + + +II. + +As an eminent Dundonian divine, who wishes to remain anonymous, +remarks, it is a melancholy fact that men of genius have often been +prone to violent ebullitions of temper. He recalls the sad case of +MILTON, who, while he was dictating his _Areopagitica_, threw +an ink-horn at his daughter, "to the complete denigration of her +habiliments," as he himself described it. Yet MILTON was a man of +high character and replete with moral uplift. I remember that my old +master, Professor Cawker of Aberdeen, once told me that as a child +he was liable to fits of freakishness, in one of which he secreted +himself under the table during a dinner-party at his father's house +and sewed the dresses of the ladies together. The result, when they +rose to leave the room, was disastrous in the extreme. But Professor +Cawker, as I need hardly remind my readers, was a genial and +noble-hearted man. I presented him on his marriage with a set of +garnet studs. Ever after when I dined at his house he wore them. +Nothing was ever said between us, but we both knew, and I shall never +forget. + + +III. + +My old friend, Lemmens Porter, whose name I deeply regret not to +have read in the Honours List, reminds me of the painful story of +SWINBURNE, who, in a fit of temper, hurled two poached eggs at GEORGE +MEREDITH for speaking disrespectfully of VICTOR HUGO. The incident is +suppressed in Mr. GOSSE'S tactful life, but Mr. Porter had it direct +from MEREDITH, whose bath-chair he frequently pulled at Dorking. +SWINBURNE was, I regret to say, pagan in his views, but, unlike some +pagans, he was incapable of adhering to the golden mean. ARISTOTLE, +I feel certain, would never have condescended to the use of such a +missile, and it is beyond "imagination's widest stretch" to picture, +say, the late Dr. JOSEPH COOK, of Boston, the present Lord ABERDEEN, +or the Rev. Dr. Donald McGuffin acting in such a wild and tempestuous +manner. + + +IV. + +Still we must admit the existence of high temper even in men of high +souls, high aims and high achievements. Everyone may improve his +temper. We cannot all emulate the patience of JOB, but we can at least +set before us the noble example of Professor Cawker, who redeemed +the angular exuberance of his youth by the mellow and mollifying +kindliness of his maturity. Even if Mr. GLADSTONE _did_ break chairs, +we should not lightly condemn him. You cannot make omelettes without +breaking eggs. Besides, chairs cannot retaliate. + +MARCUS MULL. + + * * * * * + +A CYNICAL HEADLINE. + + "NEW BRITISH BLOW.--BIRTHDAY HONOURS LIST."--_Daily Mirror_. + +We congratulate our contemporary on its terseness. _The Times_ took +nearly a column to say the same thing. + + * * * * * + + +BALLADE OF INCIPIENT LUNACY. + +_Scene_.--A Battalion "Orderly" Room in France during a period of +"Rest." Runners arrive breathlessly from all directions bearing +illegible chits, and tear off in the same directions with illegible +answers or no answer at all. Motor-bicycles snort up to the door and +arrogant despatch-riders enter with enormous envelopes containing +leagues of correspondence, orders, minutes, circulars, maps, signals, +lists, schedules, summaries and all sorts. The tables are stacked with +papers; the floor is littered with papers; papers fly through the +air. Two type-writers click with maddening insistence in one corner. +A signaller buzzes tenaciously at the telephone, talking in a strange +language apparently to himself, as he never seems to be connected +with anyone else. A stream of miscellaneous persons--quarter-masters, +chaplains, generals, batmen, D.A.D.O.S.'s, sergeant-majors, +staff-officers, buglers, Maires, officers just arriving, officers +just going away, gas experts, bombing experts, interpreters, +doctors--drifts in, wastes time, and drifts out again. + +Clerks scribble ceaselessly, rolls and nominal rolls, nominal +lists and lists. By the time they have finished one list it is long +out-of-date. Then they start the next. Everything happens at the same +time; nobody has time to finish a sentence. Only a military mind, +with a very limited descriptive vocabulary and a chronic habit of +self-deception, would call the place orderly. + +The Adjutant speaks, hoarsely; while he speaks he writes about +something quite different. In the middle of each sentence his pipe +goes out; at the end of each sentence he lights a match. He may or may +not light his pipe; anyhow he speaks:-- + + "Where is that list of Wesleyans I made? + And what are all those people on the stair? + Is that my pencil? Well, they _can't_ be paid. + Tell the Marines we have no forms to spare. + I cannot get these Ration States to square. + The Brigadier is coming round, they say. + The Colonel wants a man to cut his hair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "These silly questions! I shall tell Brigade + This office is now closing for repair. + They want to know what Mr. Johnstone weighed, + And if the Armourer is dark, or fair? + I do not know; I cannot say I care. + Tell that Interpreter to go away. + Where is my signal-pad? I left it there. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "Perhaps I should appear upon parade. + Where is my pencil? Ring up Captain Eyre; + Say I regret our tools have been mislaid. + These companies would make Sir DOUGLAS swear. + A is the worst. Oh, damn, is this the _Maire?_ + I'm sorry, Monsieur--_je suis desole_-- + But no one's pinched your miserable chair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + ENVOI. + + "Prince, I perceive what CAIN'S temptations were, + And how attractive it must be to slay. + O Lord, the General! This is hard to bear. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day." + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +If there is one man in France whom I do not envy it is the G.H.Q. +Weather Prophet. I can picture the unfortunate wizard sitting in his +bureau, gazing into a crystal, _Old Moore's Almanack_ in one hand, a +piece of seaweed in the other, trying to guess what tricks the weather +will be up to next. + +For there is nothing this climate cannot do. As a quick-change artist +it stands _sanspareil_ (French) and _nulli secundus_ (Latin). + +And now it seems to have mislaid the Spring altogether. Summer has +come at one stride. Yesterday the staff-cars smothered one with mud +as they whirled past; to-day they choke one with dust. Yesterday the +authorities were issuing precautions against frostbite; to-day they +are issuing precautions against sunstroke. Nevertheless we are not +complaining. It will take a lot of sunshine to kill us; we like it, +and we don't mind saying so. + +The B.E.F. has cast from it its mitts and jerkins and whale-oil, +emerged from its subterranean burrows into the open, and in every wood +a mushroom town of bivouacs has sprung up over-night. Here and there +amateur gardeners have planted flower-beds before their tents; one of +my corporals is nursing some radishes in an ammunition-box and talks +crop prospects by the hour. My troop-sergeant found two palm-plants in +the ruins of a chateau glass-house, and now has them standing sentry +at his bivouac entrance. He sits between them after evening stables, +smoking his pipe and fancying himself back in Zanzibar; he expects the +coker-nuts along about August, he tells me. + +Summer has come, and on every slope graze herds of winter-worn +gun-horses and transport mules. The new grass has gone to the heads +of the latter and they make continuous exhibitions of themselves, +gambolling about like ungainly lambkins and roaring with unholy +laughter. Summer has come, and my groom and countryman has started to +whistle again, sure sign that Winter is over, for it is only during +the Summer that he reconciles himself to the War. War, he admits, +serves very well as a light gentlemanly diversion for the idle months, +but with the first yellow leaf he grows restless and hints indirectly +that both ourselves and the horses would be much better employed in +the really serious business of showing the little foxes some sport +back in our own green isle. "That Paddy," says he, slapping the bay +with a hay wisp, "he wishes he was back in the county Kildare, he does +so, the dear knows. Pegeen, too, if she would be hearin' the houn's +shoutin' out on her from the kennels beyond in Jigginstown she'd dhrop +down dead wid the pleasure wid'in her, an' that's the thrue word," +says he, presenting the chestnut lady with a grimy army biscuit. "Och +musha, the poor foolish cratures," he says and sighs. + +However, Summer has arrived, and by the sound of his cheery whistle at +early stables shrilling "Flannigan's Wedding," I understand that the +horses are settling down once more and we can proceed with the battle. + +If my groom and countryman is not an advocate of war as a winter sport +our Mr. MacTavish, on the other hand, is of the directly opposite +opinion. "War," he murmured dreamily to me yesterday as we lay on our +backs beneath a spreading parasol of apple-blossom and watched our +troop-horses making pigs of themselves in the young clover--"war! +don't mention the word to me. Maidenhead, Canader, cushions, +cigarettes, only girl in the world doing all the heavy +paddle-work--that's the game in the good ole summertime. Call round +again about October and I'll attend to your old war." It is fortunate +that these gentlemen do not adorn any higher positions than those of +private soldier and second-lieutenant, else, between them, they would +stop the War altogether and we should all be out of jobs. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "---- & Co. + + The Leading Jewellery House. + Grand Assortment of Cut Glass." + _Advt. in Chinese Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD PROBLEM. + +THE SOCIETY FOR THE DISCOVERY OF NEW WAR FOODS TEST THEIR LATEST +DISH.] + + * * * * * + +PICCADILLY. + + _Gay shops, stately palaces, bustle and breeze,_ + _The whirring of wheels and the murmur of trees;_ + _By night or by day, whether noisy or stilly,_ + _Whatever my mood is--I love Piccadilly._ + + Thus carolled FRED LOCKER, just sixty years back, + In a year ('57) when the outlook was black, + And even to-day the war-weariest Willie + Recovers his spirits in dear Piccadilly. + + We haven't the belles with their Gainsborough hats, + Or the Regency bucks with their wondrous cravats, + But now that the weather no longer is chilly; + There's much to enchant us in New Piccadilly. + + As I sit in my club and partake of my "ration" + No longer I'm vexed by the follies of fashion; + The dandified Johnnies so precious and silly-- + You seek them in vain in the New Piccadilly. + + The men are alert and upstanding and fit, + They've most of them done or they're doing their bit; + With the eye of a hawk and the stride of a gillie + They add a new lustre to Old Piccadilly. + + And the crippled but gay-hearted heroes in blue + Are a far finer product than wicked "old Q," + Who ought to have lived in a prison on skilly + Instead of a palace in mid Piccadilly. + + The women are splendid, so quiet and strong, + As with resolute purpose they hurry along-- + Excepting the flappers, who chatter as shrilly + As parrots let loose to distract Piccadilly. + + Thus I muse as I watch with a reverent eye + The New Generation sweep steadily by, + And judge him an ass or a born Silly Billy + Who'd barter the New for the Old Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +A CLEARANCE. + + "WANTED.--Lady shortly leaving the Colony is desirous of + recommending her baby and wash Amahs, also Houseboy."--_South + China Morning Post_. + + * * * * * + + "Though the King's birthday was officially celebrated + yesterday, there were no official celebrations."--_Daily + Express_. + +It seems to have been a case of unconscious celebration. + + * * * * * + + "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when they + come; but do not call them 'Yankees.' They none of them like + it."--_Daily News_. + +As a term of distinction and endearment Mr. Punch suggests +"Sammies"--after their uncle. + + * * * * * + + "Petrograd. + + The local Committee of the Soldiers' and Workmen's Delegates + announces that it will take into its hands effective power + at Cronstadt. and that it will not recognise the Provisional + Government, and will remove all Government representatives. + + This fateful decision was adopted by 21 votes to 40, with + eight abstentions."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The trouble in Russia just now is the tyranny of the minority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WORD OF ILL OMEN. + +CROWN PRINCE (_to KAISER, drafting his next speech_). "FOR GOTT'S +SAKE, FATHER, BE CAREFUL THIS TIME, AND DON'T CALL THE AMERICAN ARMY +'CONTEMPTIBLE.'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, June 5th_.--In listless and dejected mood the House +of Commons reassembled after its all-too-brief recess. Members +collectively missed their MARK, for Colonel LOCKWOOD, the only popular +Food Controller in history, had been summoned upstairs and left the +Kitchen Committee to its fate. The shower of Privy Councillorships, +baronetcies and knighthoods which had simultaneously descended upon +the faithful Commons afforded little compensation for this irreparable +loss; and even the sight of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S immaculate spats +appearing over the edge of the Table was insufficient to dispel the +prevailing gloom. + +Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING made a gallant effort to galvanize his +colleagues into life. Remembering that it was an air-raid that got +him into the House--some people will never forgive the Germans for +this--he seldom allows a similar incident to pass without endeavouring +to improve the occasion. As his policy of "two bombs to one" failed to +intrigue Mr. BONAR LAW he sought to move the adjournment, but when the +Question was put only five Members, instead of the necessary forty, +rose in its support. + +If Sir H. DALZIEL has his way, and the consumer is allowed to purchase +his sugar unrefined, the British breakfast will become a most exciting +meal. Lice, beetles and, on one occasion, a live lizard have been +found in the bags arriving from Cuba. Even with meat at its present +price, Captain BATHURST doubts whether such additions to our dietary +would be really welcome. + +In the pre-historic times before August, 1914, the POSTMASTER-GENERAL +was wont to give on the Vote for his department a long and discursive +account of its multifarious activities, and to enliven the figures +with anecdotes and even with jokes. Mr. ILLINGWORTH knows a better +way. With deliberate monotony he reeled off his statistics to a +steadily diminishing audience. Only once did he evoke a sign of +animation. He has abolished the absurd rule that the person presenting +a five-pound note at a post-office should be required to endorse it; +and, in defending this momentous change, he remarked that he himself +had endorsed many such notes, "but never with my own name." For a +moment Members were startled by this cynical admission of something +which seemed to their half-awakened intelligence very like a +confession of forgery. But the POSTMASTER-GENERAL soon put them to +sleep again, and by nine o'clock had got his vote safely through. + +[Illustration: COLONEL LOCKWOOD'S FAREWELL TO THE KITCHEN ON HIS +ELEVATION TO THE UPPER HOUSE.] + +_Wednesday, June 6th_.--Nothing short of a revolution, it was +supposed, would cause Whitehall to empty its precious pigeon-holes, +in which so many millions of pious aspirations and abortive complaints +sleep their last sleep. But the War has penetrated even here, and Mr. +BALDWIN was able to announce, with a cheerfulness that some of the +older officials probably regard as almost indecent, that already a +vast quantity of material has gone to the pulping-mill. + +[Illustration: _Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL_ (_with eye on the Air Board_). +"ANY UNIFORM SUITS ME, THANK YOU."] + +In the course of the debate on the Representation of the People Bill, +Sir FREDERICK BANBURY explained that he resigned his membership of +the SPEAKER'S Conference because he found that he and his party were +expected to give up everything and to get nothing in return. If so +the Liberals on the Conference were very short-sighted, for a little +concession then would have saved them a lot of trouble now. What Sir +FREDERICK does not know about the art of Parliamentary obstruction is +not worth knowing, and he evidently means to use his knowledge for +all it is worth. He even succeeded--a rare triumph--in drafting an +instruction to the Committee which passed the SPEAKER'S scrutiny +and took a good hour to debate. In vain Sir GEORGE CAVE and Mr. LONG +reminded the House that it had already approved the main principles of +the Bill. You can't ride a cock-horse when BANBURY'S cross. + +Another old hand at the game is Lord HUGH CECIL. His particular +grievance against the Bill is, I fancy, that it alters the character +of his constituency, and, should it pass, will oblige him to appeal +for the votes of callow young Bachelors with horrid Radical notions +instead of being able to repose in confidence upon the support of +a solid phalanx of clerical M.A.'s. He possesses also an hereditary +antipathy to extensions of the franchise. Lord CLAUD HAMILTON must +have thought himself back in 1867, listening to Lord CRANBORNE +attacking the Reform Bill wherewith DIZZY dished the Whigs. Lord HUGH, +like his father, is a master of gibes and flouts and jeers, and used +most of the weapons from a well-stocked armoury in an endeavour to +drill a fatal hole in the Bill. + +At one moment he chaffed the HOME SECRETARY for seeking to turn the +House into a Trappist monastery, where Ministers alone might talk +and Members must obey; at the next he was reminding the House, on a +proposal to raise the age of voters, that a great many of the persons +who took part in the massacre of St. Bartholomew were under twenty-two +years of age. But though Members listened and laughed they refused, +for the most part, to vote with him. The Bill came almost unscathed +through the first day of its ordeal in Committee. + +_Thursday, June 7th_.--If all the hundred and sixty-eight Questions +on the Order Paper had been fully answered the German Government would +have learned quite a number of things that it is most anxious to know, +for the Pacifist group were full of curiosity regarding the war-aims +of the Allies. Several of the most searching inquiries had to be +met by such discouraging _formulae_ as "I have nothing to add to my +previous reply," or "The matter is still under consideration." + +Mr. SNOWDEN, however, learned from the HOME SECRETARY that the +Government, the House and the Country were in full sympathy with +the war-policy laid down by the French Government, and that we were +prepared to go on fighting until it was achieved. Here is something +for his colleagues to tell the Stockholm Conference, if they can get +there. + +For some occult reason the word "cheese" always excites Parliamentary +merriment. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS'S announcement that the Board of Trade +had made arrangements by which a quantity of this commodity would +be available for public use next week was greeted with the customary +laughter. Upon Army requirements, he added, would depend the quantity +to be "released." Colonel YATE was perturbed by this Gorgonzolaesque +phrase, and anxiously inquired to what species of cheese it referred. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMFORTER. + +_Lance-Corporal_ (_in charge of footsore Tommy who has fallen out on +the march_). "YOU'VE NOTHING TO GROUSE ABOUT. YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR +OWN BACK FROM THE GOVERNMENT. AIN'T YOU WEARIN' OUT THEIR BLINKIN' +BOOTS?"] + + * * * * * + +CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY. + +III. + +(_Private Whidden, who ate his Iron Rations and came to an untimely +end_.) + + Private Tom Whidden had a passion + For eating of his iron ration-- + A thing, you know, which isn't _done_ + (Except, just now and then, for fun), + Because there is a rule about it + And decent people rarely flout it. + But Tom was greedy and each day + He'd put a tin or two away, + Though duty told him, clear and plain, + To keep them safe as brewers' grain, + For eating _as a last resort_ + When eatables were running short. + His Corporal said, "My lad, don't do it!" + His Sergeant groaned, "I'm _sure_ you'll rue it!" + But still he never stopped. At last + His Captain heard and stood aghast.... + Then he said sternly, "Private Whidden, + Really, you know, this is forbidden. + Some day, Sir, if you _will_ devour + Your ration thus from hour to hour, + You'll find yourself in No Man's Land + With neither bite nor sup at hand. + Yes, when it _is_ your proper fare, + Your iron ration won't be there; + Then in your hour of bitter need + You will be sorry for your greed." + + He ceased. But Private Thomas Whidden, + Being thus seriously chidden, + Said simply (with a Devon burr), + "Law bless us! do 'ee zay zo, Zur?" + Then with an uncontrolled passion + He went and ate his iron ration. + + So, since he chose, from day to-day, + Persistently to disobey, + As you'd expect, the man is dead, + Though not the way his Captain said. + The fate of starving out of hand, + Or nearly so, in No Man's Land-- + Alas! it never came in question. + He died of chronic indigestion. + + * * * * * + +WITH OR WITHOUT A MEDIUM. + + "William Henry Gadd, said to have left Middlesex in 1812 for + South America, or anyone acquainted with his whereabouts, + will oblige by communicating at first opportunity with H.M. + Consul-General, 25 de Mayo 611, this city."--_The Standard_ + (_Buenos Aires_). + + * * * * * + +A correspondent informs us that the male gasworker is familiarly known +as "Cokey," and asks us whether the ladies who have recently entered +the business ought to be described as "Cokettes." We think it very +probable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_interrupting carousal in Bosch +dug-out_). "TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GOD-MAKERS. + +The financial success of Mr. H.G. WELLS' punctuality and enterprise +in looking into the vexed question of the Deity, even in war time, has +had the usual effect, and many literary men are feverishly pursuing +similar studies. In due course some of these will no doubt take +practical shape. Meanwhile it has seemed desirable for a _Punch_ man +to make a few inquiries among our leading philosophers and readers of +the future with regard to the same engrossing topic. For England will +ever be the wonder and despair of other nations in its capacity, +no matter with what seriousness its hands are filled, for pursuing +controversial distractions. + +To run Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT to earth was no easy matter, for in these +days he is behind every scene, and no statesman, however new, can +get along without his counsel or correction. But, since to the +good _Punch_ man difficulties exist only as obstacles of which the +circumvention acts as intellectual cocktails or stimuli, the task was +accomplished. Mr. BENNETT agreed that the book of the other famous +Essex fictionist was a meritorious and ingenious work, but he found it +far from exhaustive. The idea of God, he held, still needed handling +in a capable efficient way. What was wrong with religion was, he said, +its mystery; if only it could be pruned of nonsense and made +practical for the man in the street, it might become really useful. He +personally had not yet thought finally on the subject of God, having +just now more tasks on hand (including a new play and universal +supervision) than he could count on the Five Fingers, but directly he +had time he meant to attend to the matter and polish it off. It was a +case where his intervention was clearly called for, since omniscience +could be handled only by omniscience. + +The _Punch_ man has, however, to admit himself beaten in the matter +of Sir OLIVER LODGE. On inquiring at Birmingham University he was told +that the illustrious Principal was absent, no one knew where, but it +was believed that he was visiting the higher slopes of Mount Sinai. +All that the _Punch_ man could obtain was one of the black velvet +skull-caps which the seer wears, but, as it refused to give up any of +its secrets, he must confess to failure--at any rate until Sir OLIVER +returns. + +Being in Brummagem (as it has been wittily called), the _Punch_ man +bethought him of the Rev. R.J. CAMPBELL, once the very darling of the +new gods--in fact the arch neo-theologian. But Mr. CAMPBELL, erstwhile +so articulate and confident, had nothing to say. All he could do was +to lock himself for safety in his church and look through the keyhole +with his beautiful troubled wistful orbs. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON loomed up to a dizzy height amid a cloud of new +witnesses. Greeting the _Punch_ man, he laid aside his proofs. + +"I was just deleting the abusive epithet 'Lloyd' from all the +references to the PREMIER," he said, "but I have a moment for you. +I find a moment sufficient time for the assumption of any conviction +however lifelong." + +The _Punch_ man asked if he had read the Dunmow evangel. + +"I have read Mr. WELLS'S book, _God, the Invisible Man_, with the +greatest interest," said Mr. CHESTERTON. + +The _Punch_ man ventured to correct him. "_God, the Invisible King_," +he interposed. + +"Very likely," replied the anti-Marconi Colossus. "But what's in a +title anyway? Books should not have titles at all, but be numbered, +like a composer's operas, Op. 1, Op. 2, and so on." + +"Whether or not the opping comes, some of them," said the _Punch_ man, +"are certain to be skipped." + +The giant was visibly annoyed. "You're not playing the game," he +said. "It's I who ought to have said that. Not you. You're only the +interviewer. You'd better give it to me anyway." + +"And what," the _Punch_ man asked, "are your views respecting God?" + +"I consider," he said instantly, "that an honest god's the noblest +work of man." + +"I felt sure you would," the _Punch_ man replied. "In fact, I had a +bet on it." + +The Rev. Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, Editor of _The British Weekly_, +said that for many years his paper had supported Providence, to, he +believed, their mutual advantage, and it would continue to do so. +He personally recognised no need for change. Still, no one welcomed +honest analysis more warmly than himself, and he had read Mr. WELLS'S +masterpiece with all his habitual avidity and delight. + +The _Punch_ man, passing on to the office of _The Times_, craved +permission to see the Editor, through smoked glass if necessary. +Having complied with a thousand formalities he was at last ushered +into the presence. The great man was engaged in selecting the various +types in which to-morrow's letters were to be set up--big for the +whales and minion for the minnows. "I can give you just two minutes," +he said, without looking up. "These are strenuous ti----, I should +say days. Self-advertisement we leave to the lower branches of the +family." + +"All I want to know," said the _Punch_ man, "is what is your idea +of God? The feeling is very general that God should be more clearly +defined and, if possible, personified. One of your own Republican +correspondents, who not only got large type but a nasty leader, has +said so. How do you yourself view Him?" + +"I have a god of my own," said the Editor, watch in hand, "and I see +him very distinctly. Powerfully built, with a boyish face and a wealth +of fairish hair over one side of the noble brow. Aloof but vigilant. +Restive but determined. Quick to praise but quicker to blame. +Adaptive, volcanic, relentless and terribly immanent--terribly. +That is my god. A king, no doubt, but"--here he sighed--"by no means +invisible. Good day." + +Nothing but the absence of Mr. FRANK HARRIS in what is not only his +spiritual but his actual home, America, prevents the publication of +his definitive and epoch-making views on this suggestive theme. + +Meanwhile things go on much as usual. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_superintending party that is trying to +extinguish a fire at French farm_). "GOOD HEAVENS, CORPORAL, WHAT ARE +YOU DOING UP THERE?" + +_Irish Corporal_. "I'M WATCHIN' THE STRAW DOESN'T CATCH A-FIRE, SOR." + +_Officer_. "WELL, TAKE CARE. IS IT AN EASY PLACE TO GET OUT OF?" + +_Corporal_. "IT IS THAT. YOU MIGHT GO THROUGH THE FLOOR ANNYWHERE, +SOR."] + + * * * * * + +MORE SUBSTITUTION. + +From a Stores circular:-- + + "Members who like a very delicately Smoked Bacon or Ham will + appreciate the valuable new line recently added to our Stock, + namely;-- + + ---- MILD CURED SALMON." + + * * * * * + + "From Switzerland comes a report of a noiseless machine gun, + operated by electricity."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +Another invention gone wrong. + + * * * * * + +NEW LIGHTS ON ANCIENT HISTORY. + + "Senor Aladro Castriota, the wealthy wine merchant of + Xerxes."--_Daily News_. + +HERODOTUS omits this detail. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ---- thoroughly recommends her Russian Nursery + Governess; speaks fluent French, German; will answer any + question."--_Daily Paper_. + +There are a lot of questions we should like to ask her about Russia. + + * * * * * + + "The jury found the prisoner guilty of man-slaughter, and was + sentenced to 18 months' hard labour."--_Provincial Paper_. + +No wonder there is a scarcity of jurymen. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"SHEILA." + +_Mark Holdsworth_, a bachelor of middle age, is bored with commercial +success and seeks a diversion. He would like to have a son. And his +attractive typist, _Sheila_, strikes his fancy as a suitable medium. +On her side the girl (obviously recognisable by her innocence as a +pre-war flapper) is sick of drudgery, longs very simply for the joys +of life, as she imagines them, meaning freedom and pretty dresses +and money to spend and piles of invitation cards, and so forth. His +proposal of marriage, practically the first word he has ever said +to her outside their business relations, seems to her too good to be +true. There is no question of a grand passion, not even a question of +every-day romance. It is just a fair exchange, though she is too young +to appreciate the man's motives and is content with the pride of being +his choice and the prospects of the wonderful life that opens before +her. + +Three months later (they are married and in their different ways have +grown to care for one another) we find her discontented. Her social +blunders and the attitude of his people have set her on edge, and +we are further to understand that she is not very responsive to the +strength of his feelings for her. A bad shock comes when she hears, +through a jealous woman-friend of his bachelor days, that he has +married her for the sake of a son. This poisons for her the memory of +their first union and she refuses to be his wife again. + +An old obligation, entered into before his marriage, compels him to +go abroad on business where she cannot accompany him. He does not +know that she is to have a child, and in his absence she keeps the +knowledge from him. Her boy is born and dies. The news, reaching +_Holdsworth_ through a brother, brings him home, and husband and wife +are reconciled. Such is the plot, told crudely enough. + +Now, if Miss SOWERBY meant deliberately to create a woman who does +not really know what she wants--a creature of moods without assignable +motives--then I am not ashamed of failing to understand her _Sheila_, +since her _Sheila_ did not understand herself. But if she is designed +to illustrate the eternal feminine (always supposing that there is +such a thing) then I protest that her chief claim to be representative +of her sex is her unreasonableness. Of course I should never pretend +to say of a woman in drama or fiction that she has not been drawn true +to nature. To know one man is, in most essentials, to know all men; +to know fifty women (though this may be a liberal education) does +not advance you very far in knowledge of a sex that has never been +standardized. + +When we first meet _Sheila_ her idea of happiness is to spend an +evening (innocent of escort) at the picture-palace; take this from +her and her heart threatens to break. Three short months and she has +developed to the point of breaking off relations with a husband +who has given her all the picture-palaces she wanted, but has also +committed the unpardonable indecency of marrying her with the object +of getting a son! + +[Illustration: THE VICE OF INCONSTANCY. + +_Sheila_. "BEFORE YOU MARRIED ME YOU WEREN'T NEARLY SO NICE TO ME. +IT'S HORRID OF YOU TO CHANGE." + +_Mark Holdsworth_.. MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Sheila_........... MISS FAY COMPTON.] + +Here, if she approves the attitude of her heroine, I am tempted to +argue, in my dull way, with the charming author of _Sheila_. You must +always remember that there was no love--not even courtship--before +this betrothal. The girl was swept off her feet by the honour done to +her and by the chance of seeing "life" as she had never hoped to +see it. The man, on his side, wanted a son. Was his object so very +contemptible in comparison with hers? Women marry by the myriad for +the mere sake of having children, and nobody blames them. Indeed, we +call it, very reverentially, the maternal instinct. Well, what is the +matter with the paternal instinct? + +However, I am not going to set my opinion up against Miss SOWERBY'S. +Where I can follow her I find so much clear insight and observation +that I must needs have faith in her good judgment where I cannot +understand. This arrangement still leaves me free to prefer her in +her less serious moments. Here she is irresistible with that delicate +humour of hers that is always in the picture and never has to resort +to the device of manufactured epigram. There is true artistry in her +lightest touch. Her people are not galvanised puppets; they simply +draw their breath and there they are. And she has the particular +quality of charm that makes you yield your heart to her, even when +your head remains your own. + +How much she owes to Miss FAY COMPTON'S interpretation of _Sheila_ +she would be the first to make generous acknowledgment. It was an +astonishingly sensitive performance. Miss COMPTON can be eloquent with +a single word or none at all. By a turn of her eyes or lips she can +make you free of her inarticulate thoughts. I must go again just to +hear her say "Yes," and give that sigh of content at the end of the +First Act. + +Mr. AUBREY SMITH as _Mark Holdsworth_ had a much easier task, and +did it with his habitual ease. Mr. WILLIAM FARREN--a very welcome +return--was perfect as ever in a good grumpy part. It was strange +to see the gentle Miss STELLA CAMPBELL playing the unsympathetic +character of a jealous and rather cruel woman; but she took to it +quite kindly. Mr. LANCE LISTER, as the boy _Geoffrey_, who kept +intervening in the most sportsmanlike way on the weaker side and +adjusting some very awkward complications with the gayest and most +resolute tact, was extraordinarily good. Admirable, too, were Miss +JOYCE CAREY as a shop-girl friend of _Sheila's_ boarding-house period, +and Mr. HENRY OSCAR as her "fate," whose line was shirts. The scene in +which these two encounter the superior relatives of _Sheila's_ husband +abounded in good fun, kept well within the limits of comedy. It was +a pure joy to hear _Miss Hooker's_ garrulous efforts to carry off the +situation with aggressive gentility; but even more fascinating was the +abashed silence of her young man, broken only when he blurted out the +word "shirts," and gave the show away. + +The whole cast was excellent, and Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER must be +felicitated on a very clever production. But it is to author and +heroine that I beg to offer the best of my gratitude for a most +refreshing evening. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "You will find that the men most likely to get off the note + are those who never really got on to it."--_Musical Times_. + +The real question is how those who never got on to the note contrive +to get off it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_reading paper_). "I SEE A BAKER'S BEEN FINED +TEN POUNDS FOR SELLING BREAD LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS OLD." + +_Alan_ (_who now goes to school by train_--_joining in_). "OH, THINK! +AND HE MIGHT HAVE PULLED THE CORD AND STOPPED THE TRAIN _TWICE_ FOR +THAT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +When I first read the title of _Secret Bread_ (HEINEMANN) my idea +was--well, what would anyone naturally think but that here was a +romance of food-hoarding, a tale of running the potato blockade and +the final discovery of a hidden cellar full of fresh rolls? But of +course I was quite wrong. The name has nothing to do with food, other +than mental; it stands for the sustaining idea (whatever it is) +that each one of us keeps locked in his heart as the motive of his +existence. With _Ishmael Ruan_, the hero of Miss F. TENNYSON JESSE'S +novel, this hidden motive was love of the old farm-house hall of +Cloom, and a wish to hand it on, richer, to his son. _Ishmael_ +inherited Cloom himself because, though the youngest of a large +family, he was the only one born in wedlock. Hence the second theme of +the story, the jealousy between _Ishmael_ and _Archelaus_, the elder +illegitimate brother. How, through the long lives of both, this +enmity is kept up, and the frightful vengeance that ends it, make an +absorbing and powerful story. The pictures of Cornish farm-life also +are admirably done--though I feel bound to repeat my conviction that +the time is at hand when, for their own interest, our novelists will +have to proclaim what one might call a close time for pilchards. +Still, Miss JESSE has written an unusually clever book, full of +vigour and passion, of which the interest never flags throughout the +five-hundred-odd closely-printed pages that carry its protagonists +from the early sixties almost to the present day. No small +achievement. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. SKRINE has collected some charming fragrant papers from various +distinguished sources concerning the ever-recurring phenomenon of +_The Devout Lady_ (CONSTABLE), in order to inspire one JOAN, a V.A.D. +heroine of the new order. I guess JOAN, of whom only a faint glimpse +is vouchsafed, must be a nice person--the author's affectionate +interest in her is sufficient proof of that. I suppose we all know +our Little Gidding out of SHORTHOUSE'S _John Inglesant_. Mrs. SKRINE +deprecates the Inglesantian view and offers us a stricter portrait of +MARY COLLET. "Madam" THORNTON, Yorkshire Royalist dame in the stormy +days of the Irish Rebellion and the Second JAMES'S flight to St. +Germain, is another portrait in the gallery; then there's PATTY MORE, +HANNAH'S less famous practical sister, of Barleywood and the Cheddar +Cliff collieries; and a modern great lady of a lowly cottage, in +receipt of an old-age pension and still alive in some dear corner of +England--the best sketch of the series, because drawn from life and +not from documents. If the author has a fault it is her detached +allusiveness, her flattering but mystifying assumption that one can +follow all her references, and her rather mannered idiom: "He proved a +kind husband, but sadly a tiresome." These, however, be trifles. Read +this pleasant book, I beg you, and send it on to your own Joan. + + * * * * * + +I have read with deep interest and appreciation and with a mournful +pleasure the _Letters of Arthur George Heath_ (BLACKWELL, Oxford). It +is the record, in a series of letters mostly written to his parents, +of the short fighting life of a singularly brave and devoted man. +There is in addition a beautiful memoir by Professor GILBERT MURRAY, +whose privilege it was to be ARTHUR HEATH'S friend. HEATH was not +vowed to fighting from his boyhood onward. He was a brilliant scholar +and afterwards a fellow of New College, Oxford. The photograph of him +shows a very delicate and refined face, and his letters bear out +the warrant of his face and prove that it was a true index to his +character. Until the great summons came one might have set him down +as destined to lead a quiet life amid the congenial surroundings of +Oxford, but we know now that the real stuff of him was strong and +stern. He joined the army a day or two after the outbreak of war, +being assured that our cause was just and one that deserved to be +fought for. He had no illusions as to the risk he ran, but that didn't +weigh with him for a moment. On July 11th, 1915, he writes to his +mother from the Western Front: "Will you at least try, if I am killed, +not to let the things I have loved cause you pain, but rather to get +increased enjoyment from the Sussex Downs or from Janie (his youngest +sister) singing Folk Songs, because I have found such joy in them, +and in that way the joy I have found can continue to live?" Beautiful +words these, and typical of the man who gave utterance to them. +The end came to him on October 8th, his twenty-eighth birthday. His +battalion of the Royal West Kent Regiment was engaged in making a +series of bombing attacks. In one of these ARTHUR HEATH was shot +through the neck and fell. "He spoke once," Professor MURRAY tells us, +"to say, 'Don't trouble about me,' and died almost immediately." His +Platoon Sergeant wrote to his parents, "A braver man never existed," +and with that epitaph we may leave him. + + * * * * * + +The scenes of _A Sheaf of Bluebells_ (HUTCHINSON) are laid in +Normandy, where they speak the French language. But the Baroness ORCZY +does not take advantage of this local habit, and is careful not to put +too heavy a strain upon the intelligence of those who do not enjoy the +gift of tongues. "_Ma tante_," "_Mon cousin_," "_Enfin"_--these are +well within the range of all of us. Indeed, though I shrink from +boasting, I could easily have borne it if she had tried me a little +higher. "_Ma tante_," for instance, got rather upon my nerves before +the heroine had finished with it. The plot (early nineteenth century) +is concerned with one _Ronnay de Maurel_, a soldier and admirer of +NAPOLEON, and in consequence anathema to most of his own family. +The heroine was betrothed to _Ronnay's_ half-brother, as elegant and +royalist as _Ronnay_ was uncouth and Napoleonic. It is a tale of love +and intrigue for idle hours, the kind of thing that the Baroness does +well; and, though she has done better before in this vein, you +will not lack for excitement here; and possibly, as I did, you will +sometimes smile when strictly speaking you ought to have been serious. + + * * * * * + +"Economy, I hate the word!" said a much-harassed housekeeper recently: +echoing, I fear, the sentiments of the great majority of the British +people. Nevertheless, let no one be deterred by a somewhat forbidding +title from reading Mr. HENRY HIGGS'S _National Economy: An Outline +of Public Administration_ (MACMILLAN). Although written by a Treasury +official--a being who in popular conception is compounded of red-tape +and sealing-wax and spends his life in spoiling the Ship of State by +saving halfpennyworths of tar--it is not a dry-as-dust treatise on the +art of scientific parsimony, but a lively plea for wise expenditure. +Mr. HIGGS is no believer in the dictum that the best thing to do with +national resources is to leave them to fructify in the pockets of +the taxpayers--"doubtful soil," in his opinion; nor is he afraid that +heavy taxation will kill the goose with the golden eggs. It may be +"one of those depraved birds which eat their own eggs, in which case, +if its eggs cannot be trapped, killing is all it is fit for." The +author is full of well-thought-out suggestions for saving waste and +increasing efficiency in our national administration. The introduction +of labour-saving machinery, the elimination of superfluous officials, +the reduction of the necessary drudgery which too often blights the +initiative and breaks the hearts of our young civil servants--all +these and many other reforms are advocated in Mr. HIGGS'S most +entertaining pages. I cordially commend them to the attention of +everyone who takes an intelligent interest in public affairs, not +excluding Cabinet Ministers, Members of Parliament, and political +journalists. + + * * * * * + +Though already we have so portentous an array of books jostling each +other upon the warshelf, there must be many people who will gladly +find the little space into which they may slip a slender volume +called _A General's Letters to His Son on Obtaining His Commission_ +(CASSELL). So slender indeed is the book that by the time you have +read the disproportionate title you seem to be about halfway through +it. But here is certainly a case of infinite riches in a little room. +The anonymous writer is deserving of every praise for the mingled +restraint and force of his method; you feel that, were the name +less outworn, he might well have signed himself "One Who Knows," for +practical experience sounds in every line. Greatest merit of all, the +letters contrive to handle even the most delicate matters without a +hint of preaching. But no words of mine could, in this association, +add anything to the tribute paid in a brief preface by so qualified a +critic as General Sir H.L. SMITH-DORRIEN: "If young officers will only +study these letters carefully, and shape their conduct accordingly, +they need have no fear of proving unworthy of His Majesty's +Commission." This is high praise, but well deserved. Personally, my +chief regret is that so valuable a collection of advice should have +delayed its appearance so long: there would have been use and to spare +for it these three years past. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME. + +_First Tommy_ (_watching artist engaged in protective colouring_). +"MARVELLOUS, AIN'T IT, BERT, 'OW TALENT WILL OUT, EVEN IN THE MOST +ADWERSE CIRCUMSTANCES?" + +_Second Tommy_. "YUS. WOT _I_ LIKES BEST IS THE EXPRESSION ON THE +DAWG."] + + * * * * * + + "The Admiralty announce that several raids were carried out by + naval aircraft from Dunkirk in the course of the night of May + 21-June 1, the objectives being Ostend, Zeebrugge and + Bruges. Many bombs were dropped on the objectives with good + results."--_Cork Constitution_. + +The Huns must have found it a very long night. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 13, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15688.txt or 15688.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/8/15688/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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