diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-8.txt | 1912 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 37733 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1716599 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/15688-h.htm | 2501 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/377.png | bin | 0 -> 81712 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/379.png | bin | 0 -> 129049 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/380.png | bin | 0 -> 90509 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/381.png | bin | 0 -> 112709 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/383.png | bin | 0 -> 212590 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/384.png | bin | 0 -> 126885 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/385.png | bin | 0 -> 221598 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/386-1.png | bin | 0 -> 92871 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/386-2.png | bin | 0 -> 38022 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/387.png | bin | 0 -> 66254 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/388.png | bin | 0 -> 143311 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/389.png | bin | 0 -> 138602 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/390.png | bin | 0 -> 52435 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/391.png | bin | 0 -> 103724 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688-h/images/392.png | bin | 0 -> 68920 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688.txt | 1912 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15688.zip | bin | 0 -> 37699 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
24 files changed, 6341 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15688-8.txt b/15688-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0155bf --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1912 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 13, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 23, 2005 [EBook #15688] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +June 13, 1917. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Count TISZA has declared his intention of going to the Front for the +duration of the War. He denies, however, that he caught the idea from +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + + *** + +The Germans announced that Chérisy was impregnable. In view of the +fact that the place has since been captured by the British it is felt +that Sir DOUGLAS HAIG could not have read the German announcement. + + *** + +Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their houses during +the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who have only a little +Bunting should hang that out instead. + + *** + +A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll scratchers" +for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In justice to the bird +it must be stated that she has frequently expressed a desire to be +allowed to do war-work, but has been discouraged. + + *** + +A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking into a +Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth £2,350. There is really +no excuse for this sort of thing, as the public have been repeatedly +asked by the Government not to go in for expensive jewellery. + + *** + +An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a substitute sent +to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The department has apologised +for the mistake and explained that it was thought the man was required +to deliver milk. + + *** + +According to the _Berliner Tageblatt_, twenty-nine houses in Oberreuth +have been burned down and a villager aged ninety-seven years has been +arrested. The veteran, it appears, puts down his sudden crime to the +baneful influence of the cinema. + + *** + +One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather buttons +in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready to assume that +this will have any effect on the existing meat-pie shortage. + + *** + +Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show a marked +decrease of mortality among the inmates since they were placed on +rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by the declaration that +the notices which deal with "Enquiries for Lost Children" and are +prominently displayed in the Gardens were actually in vogue before the +rationing system was introduced. + + *** + +Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat of +Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this commodity +an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to accept caviare +instead. + + *** + +"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted drinking water," +says _The British Medical Journal_, "have been obtained by the use +of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It appears that you just mention this +name to the germs (stopping for lunch in the middle) and the little +beggars are scared to death. + + *** + +In a recent message to General LUDENDORFF, the KAISER refers to the +German defence as being "mainly in your hands." And only last April +they were professing to find it in HINDENBURG'S feet. + + *** + +It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a precaution +it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have his full name and +address written on the collar. + + *** + +The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the loss +of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little book just +published, entitled _How to Keep Dogs_. + + *** + +"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said the Chairman +of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a one-eyed man passed +for general service. The case is not unique, however, for a one-eyed +man named NELSON is recorded as having seen some general service in +the early part of the nineteenth century. + + *** + +Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot in almost +any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting a friend. + + *** + +A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the mother took +the baby to the recruiting office, where we are told the military were +satisfied that a mistake had been made. + + *** + +The author of an article in _The Daily Mail_ stated recently that nine +readers of that paper had sent him poems. This of course is only to be +expected of a newspaper which advocates reprisals. + + *** + +According to the _Vossische Zeitung_ washing soap is unobtainable +in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can be obtained only at +prohibitive prices. + + *** + +Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN, the sculptor, +was stated to have passed the medical test. On the other hand Mr. +EPSTEIN'S Venus is still regarded as medically unfit. + + *** + +A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth birthday +declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the secret of good +health. This is a great triumph for the milk trade. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate_ (_to old parishioner troubled with insomnia_). +"HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?" + +_Old Lady_. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT SETS ME WORRYIN' +ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY. + + The best game the fairies play, + The best game of all, + Is sliding down steeples-- + You know they're very tall. + You fly to the weathercock + And when you hear it crow + You fold your wings and clutch your things, + And then you let go! + + They have a million other games; + Cloud-catching's one; + And mud-mixing after rain + Is heaps and heaps of fun; + But when you go and stay with them + Never mind the rest; + Take my advice--they're very nice, + But steeple-sliding's best! + + * * * * * + + "Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years old + (neutral)."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Why doesn't it join the Allies? + + * * * * * + +A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES. + +"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've _got_ one +all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't know as I'm at liberty +to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is this 'ere Defence o' the Realm +Act--see? Why, there was a feller I knew got ten days' cells for just +tellin' a young woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was." + +It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent the +greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances bent upon +finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of course during +his absence Bill had written home regularly, but his letters had been +models of discretion and confined to matters of the strictest personal +interest. Since his return quite a number of temporary coldnesses +had arisen as a result of his obstinate reticence, and the retired +station-master, after several attacks both in front and flank had +ignominiously failed, flew into a rage and said he didn't believe +there was any Navy left to tell about, the Germans having sunk it all +at the Battle of Jutland. + +Bill said they might 'ave done, he really didn't know, not to be +certain. + +But now, with his bundle handkerchief beside him, just having another +drink on his way to the station, Bill really seemed to be relenting +a little. The customers of the "Malt House" all leaned forward +attentively to listen. + +"It's all among friends, Bill," said the landlord encouragingly, "it +won't go no further, you can rest easy about that." + +"I've 'eard tell as it's this 'ere Mr. Macaroni," began the baker, +who took in a twopenny paper every day, and gave himself well-informed +airs in consequence. + +"If you'd ever been properly eddicated," said Bill, wiping his mouth +on the back of his hand, "you'd know as the best discoveries 'ave been +made by haccident, same as when the feller invented the steam-engine +along of an apple tumblin' on 'is 'ead. That's 'ow it is with this +'ere submarine business, an' no macaroni about it an' no cheese +neither. + +"Sailormen gets a deal o' presents sent 'em nowadays, rangin' from +wrist-watches an' cottage-pianners to woolly 'ug-me-tights in double +sennit. But the best present we ever 'ad--well, I'll tell you. + +"An old lady as was aunt or godmother or something o' the sort to +our Navigatin' Lootenant sent him a present of an extra large tin of +peppermint 'umbugs. Real 'ot uns, they was, and big--well, I believe +you! I've 'ad a deal o' peppermints in my time, but this 'ere +consignment from the Navigator's great-aunt fairly put the lid on. +You'd ha' thought all 'ands was requirin' dental treatment the day +the Navigator shared 'em out, an' when the steersman come off duty, +'e give the course to the feller relievin' the wheel as if 'e'd got an +'ot potato in 'is mouth. + +"Well, the peppermints was in full blast an' the ship smellin' like a +bloomin' sweet factory when the look-out reported a submarine on our +port bow. O' course we was all cleared for haction, an' beginnin' to +feel our Iron Crosses burnin' 'oles in our jumpers, when we begun to +see as there was something funny about 'er. + +"Naturally we was lookin' for 'er to submerge--but not she! There she +sat, waitin' for us, an' all 'er crew was pushin' an' fightin' to get +their 'eads out of 'er conning tower. We was right on top of 'er in +two twos, and all as we 'ad to do was to pick up the officers and crew +as if they was a lot o' wasps as 'ad been drinkin' beer, an' tow the +submarine--which was in fust-rate goin' order, not a month out o' Kiel +dockyard--'ome to a port as I'm not at liberty to mention." + +"But 'ow?" began the baker. + +"I thought as I'd made it middlin' plain," said Bill severely, "but +seein' as some folks wants winders lettin' into their 'eads I suppose +I'd better make it plainer. I daresay you've 'eard as they're very +short o' sweet-stuff in Germany." + +"I 'ave," said the baker triumphantly, "I read it in my paper." + +"Well," said Bill, "there was a wind settin' good and strong from us +towards the submarine, an' when one of 'em as 'appened to be takin' +the air at the time got a sniff of us 'e just couldn't leave off +sniffin'. Then 'e passed the word down to the others, an' the hodour +of the peppermints was that powerful it knocked 'em all of a 'eap, the +same as food on an empty stummnick. See? That's the real reason o' the +sugar shortage. There's 'arf-a-dozen factories workin' night an' day +on Admiralty contracts, turnin' out nothin' at all only peppermint +'umbugs. + +"Simple, ain't it?" Bill concluded, as he paid for his beer and +reached for his bundle. "Anyway, it does as well as anything else to +tell a lot o' folks as can't let a decent sailorman spend 'is bit o' +leaf in peace an' quietness without tryin' to get to know what 'e's +got no business to tell 'em nor them to find out." + + * * * * * + + "Concrete holds its own in the construction of our houses, our + public buildings, our brides...."--_New Zealand Paper_. + +This ought to cement the affections. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMMON IDEALS. + +BRITISH FOOD PROFITEER (_to German ditto_). "ALAS! MY POOR BROTHER. +YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN ENGLISHMAN. ENGLAND IS A FREE COUNTRY." + +[The Berlin _Vossische Zeitung_ states that about four thousand cases +of profiteering are dealt with monthly in Germany.]] + + * * * * * + +THE FUNERAL OF M. DE BLANCHET. + +"Never let your husband have a grievance," said Madame Marcot, +stirring the lump of sugar that she had brought with her to put into +her cup of tea. "It destroys the happiness of the most admirable +households. Have you heard of the distressing case of the de +Blanchets--Victor de Blanchet and his wife?" + +We had not. + +"Very dear friends of mine," said Madame Marcot vivaciously, delighted +at the chance of an uninterrupted innings, "and belonging to a family +of the most distinguished. They were a truly devoted couple, and had +never been apart during the whole of their married life. As for +him, he was an excellent fellow. If he had a fault, it was only that +perhaps he was a little near; but still, a good fault, is it not? When +he was called to the Front his wife was desolated, simply desolated. +And then, poor M. de Blanchet--_not_ the figure for a soldier--of a +rotundity, Mesdames!" And Madame Marcot lifted her eyes heavenwards, +struck speechless for a moment at the thought of M. de Blanchet's +outline. "However, like all good Frenchmen, he made no fuss, but went +off to do his duty. He wrote to his wife every day, and she wrote to +him. + +"All at once his letters ceased, and then, after a long delay, came +the official notice, 'Missing.' Imagine the suspense, the anxiety! For +weeks she continued to hope against hope, but at last she heard that +his body had been found. It had been recognised by the clothes, the +identity disc (or whatever you call it), and the stoutness, for, alas, +the unfortunate gentleman's head had been nearly blown away by a shell +and was quite unrecognisable. Poor Madame de Blanchet's grief was +terrible to witness when they brought her his sad clothing, with the +embroidered initials upon it worked by her own hand. One thing she +insisted on, and that was that his body should be buried at A----, in +the family vault of the de Blanchets, who, as I have said before, are +very distinguished people. "This meant endless red tape, as you may +imagine, and endless correspondence with the authorities, and delays +and vexations, but finally she got her wish, and the funeral was the +most magnificent ever witnessed in that part of the world. You should +have seen the '_faire part_,'" said Madame Marcot, alluding to the +black-bordered mourning intimations sent out in France, inscribed with +the names of every individual member of the family concerned, from the +greatest down to the most insignificant and obscure. "Several pages, I +assure you; and everybody came. The cortège was a mile long. M. l'Abbé +Colaix officiated; there was a full choral mass; and she got her +second cousin once removed, M. Aristide Gérant, who, as you know, +is Director of the College of Music at A----, to compose a requiem +specially for the occasion; and he did not do it for nothing, you may +believe me. In fine, a first-class funeral. But, as she said, when +some of her near relations, including her stepmother, who is not of +the most generous, remonstrated with her on the score of the expense, +'I would wish to honour my dear husband in death as I honoured him in +life.' + +"After it was all over she had a magnificent marble monument erected +over the tomb, recording all his virtues, and with a bas-relief of +herself (a very inaccurate representation, I am told, as it gave her +a Madonna-like appearance to which she can lay no claim in real life) +shedding tears upon his sarcophagus." + +Madame Marcot paused for breath, and, thinking the story finished, we +drifted in with appropriate comments. But we were soon cut short. + +"Ten months afterwards," continued the lady dramatically, "as Madame +de Blanchet, dressed of course in the deepest mourning, was making +strawberry jam in the kitchen and weeping over her sorrows, who should +walk in but Monsieur?" + +"What--her husband?" cried everybody. + +"The same," answered Madame Marcot. "He was a spectacle. He had lost +an arm; his clothing was in tatters, and he was as thin as a skeleton. +But it was Monsieur de Blanchet all the same." + +"What had happened?" we shrieked in chorus. + +"What has happened more than once in the course of this War. He had +been taken prisoner, had been unable to communicate and at last, after +many marvellous adventures, had succeeded in escaping." + +"But the other?" we cried. + +"Ah, now we come to the really desolating part of the affair," said +Madame Marcot. "The corpse in M. de Blanchets clothing, what was he +but a villainous Boche--stout, as is the way of these messieurs--who +had appropriated the clothes of the unfortunate prisoner, uniform, +badges, disc and all, in order, no doubt, to get into our lines and +play the spy. Happily a shell put an end to his activities; but by the +grossest piece of ill-luck it made him completely unrecognisable, so +that Madame de Blanchet, as well as the officers who identified him, +were naturally led into the mistake of thinking him a good Frenchman, +fallen in the exercise of his duty." + +"What happiness to see him back!" I remarked. + +"I believe you," said Madame Marcot, "and touching was the joy of M. +de Blanchet too, until he observed her mourning. He was then inclined +to be slightly hurt at her taking his death so readily for granted. +However, she soon explained the case; but, when he heard that a +nameless member of the unspeakable race was occupying the place in the +family vault that he had been reserving for himself for years past at +considerable cost, he became exceedingly annoyed; and when, through +the medium of his relations, he learned of the first-class funeral, +and of the oak coffin studded with silver, and the expensive full +choral mass, and the requiem specially written for the occasion, and +the marble monument, his wrath was such that in pre-war days, +and before he had undergone the reducing influence of the German +hunger-diet, he would certainly have had an apoplectic seizure. To a +man of his economical turn of mind it was naturally enraging. But the +thing that put the climax on his exasperation was the bas-relief of +his wife, 'ridiculously svelte' as he remarked, shedding tears over +the ashes of a wretched Boche. + +"The situation for him and for the family generally," concluded +Madame Marcot, "is, as you will readily conceive, one of extreme +unpleasantness and delicacy. The cost of exhuming the Hun, after the +really outrageous expense of his interment, is one that a thrifty man +like M. de Blanchet must naturally shrink from; indeed he assures me +that his pocket simply does not permit of it. + +"In the meantime he can never go to lay a wreath upon the tombs of his +sainted father and mother, or pass through the cemetery on his way to +mass (he is a good Catholic), without being reminded of the miserable +interloper and all the circumstances of his magnificent first-class +funeral. Hence he is a man with a grievance--an undying grievance, +I may say--for he is practically certain to have a ghost hereafter +haunting the spot that ought to be its resting-place but isn't. Still, +it is _chic_ to have a ghost in the family. The de Blanchets will be +more distinguished than ever." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. PODDISH?" + +"FINE, THANKEE. THEY'VE MADE 'IM A COLONEL." + +"OH, COME----" + +"CAPTAIN, THEN." + +"GO ON. YOU MEAN CORPORAL, P'RAPS." + +"WELL, 'AVE IT THAT WAY IF YOU LIKE. I KNOW IT BEGAN WITH A 'K.'"] + + * * * * * + +LIFTING AND UPLIFTING. + +Our Canadian contemporary, _Jack Canuck_, publishes a protest against +the invasion of Canada by British temperance reformers, whom it +describes as "uplifters." Immediately below this protest it produces a +picture from _Punch_, lifted without any acknowledgment of its origin. + + * * * * * + + "On Sunday one British pilot, flying at 1,000 ft., saw four + hostile craft at about 5,000 ft., and dived more than a mile + directly at them. As he whirled past the nearest machine he + opened fire, and saw the observer crumple up in the fusselage + as the pilot put the machine into a steep live."--_Dally + Sketch_. + + While confessing ignorance as to the exact nature of a "live," + we are sure it is not as steep as the rest of the story. + + * * * * * + +A MUSCULAR CHRISTIAN. + + "Vicar, Compton Dando, Bristol, would Let two Fields, or few + Yearlings could run with him."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Time 1940._ + +"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT WAR, GRANDPA?" "WHAT DID I DO, MY LAD? I +HELPED TO RELIEVE MAFEKING."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUSINGS OF MARCUS MULL. + +(_IN THE MANNER OF AN ILLUSTRIOUS MENTOR_.) + +I. + +I noted in last week's issue the persistence of the strange story that +Mr. GLADSTONE, in his wrath at his reduced majority in Midlothian, +broke chairs when the news arrived. I was careful to add that, as the +result of searching investigation, I was in a position to state that +Mr. GLADSTONE never did any such thing. Still I cannot altogether +regret having alluded to the story in view of the interesting letters +on the subject which have reached me from a number of esteemed +correspondents. + + +II. + +As an eminent Dundonian divine, who wishes to remain anonymous, +remarks, it is a melancholy fact that men of genius have often been +prone to violent ebullitions of temper. He recalls the sad case of +MILTON, who, while he was dictating his _Areopagitica_, threw +an ink-horn at his daughter, "to the complete denigration of her +habiliments," as he himself described it. Yet MILTON was a man of +high character and replete with moral uplift. I remember that my old +master, Professor Cawker of Aberdeen, once told me that as a child +he was liable to fits of freakishness, in one of which he secreted +himself under the table during a dinner-party at his father's house +and sewed the dresses of the ladies together. The result, when they +rose to leave the room, was disastrous in the extreme. But Professor +Cawker, as I need hardly remind my readers, was a genial and +noble-hearted man. I presented him on his marriage with a set of +garnet studs. Ever after when I dined at his house he wore them. +Nothing was ever said between us, but we both knew, and I shall never +forget. + + +III. + +My old friend, Lemmens Porter, whose name I deeply regret not to +have read in the Honours List, reminds me of the painful story of +SWINBURNE, who, in a fit of temper, hurled two poached eggs at GEORGE +MEREDITH for speaking disrespectfully of VICTOR HUGO. The incident is +suppressed in Mr. GOSSE'S tactful life, but Mr. Porter had it direct +from MEREDITH, whose bath-chair he frequently pulled at Dorking. +SWINBURNE was, I regret to say, pagan in his views, but, unlike some +pagans, he was incapable of adhering to the golden mean. ARISTOTLE, +I feel certain, would never have condescended to the use of such a +missile, and it is beyond "imagination's widest stretch" to picture, +say, the late Dr. JOSEPH COOK, of Boston, the present Lord ABERDEEN, +or the Rev. Dr. Donald McGuffin acting in such a wild and tempestuous +manner. + + +IV. + +Still we must admit the existence of high temper even in men of high +souls, high aims and high achievements. Everyone may improve his +temper. We cannot all emulate the patience of JOB, but we can at least +set before us the noble example of Professor Cawker, who redeemed +the angular exuberance of his youth by the mellow and mollifying +kindliness of his maturity. Even if Mr. GLADSTONE _did_ break chairs, +we should not lightly condemn him. You cannot make omelettes without +breaking eggs. Besides, chairs cannot retaliate. + +MARCUS MULL. + + * * * * * + +A CYNICAL HEADLINE. + + "NEW BRITISH BLOW.--BIRTHDAY HONOURS LIST."--_Daily Mirror_. + +We congratulate our contemporary on its terseness. _The Times_ took +nearly a column to say the same thing. + + * * * * * + + +BALLADE OF INCIPIENT LUNACY. + +_Scene_.--A Battalion "Orderly" Room in France during a period of +"Rest." Runners arrive breathlessly from all directions bearing +illegible chits, and tear off in the same directions with illegible +answers or no answer at all. Motor-bicycles snort up to the door and +arrogant despatch-riders enter with enormous envelopes containing +leagues of correspondence, orders, minutes, circulars, maps, signals, +lists, schedules, summaries and all sorts. The tables are stacked with +papers; the floor is littered with papers; papers fly through the +air. Two type-writers click with maddening insistence in one corner. +A signaller buzzes tenaciously at the telephone, talking in a strange +language apparently to himself, as he never seems to be connected +with anyone else. A stream of miscellaneous persons--quarter-masters, +chaplains, generals, batmen, D.A.D.O.S.'s, sergeant-majors, +staff-officers, buglers, Maires, officers just arriving, officers +just going away, gas experts, bombing experts, interpreters, +doctors--drifts in, wastes time, and drifts out again. + +Clerks scribble ceaselessly, rolls and nominal rolls, nominal +lists and lists. By the time they have finished one list it is long +out-of-date. Then they start the next. Everything happens at the same +time; nobody has time to finish a sentence. Only a military mind, +with a very limited descriptive vocabulary and a chronic habit of +self-deception, would call the place orderly. + +The Adjutant speaks, hoarsely; while he speaks he writes about +something quite different. In the middle of each sentence his pipe +goes out; at the end of each sentence he lights a match. He may or may +not light his pipe; anyhow he speaks:-- + + "Where is that list of Wesleyans I made? + And what are all those people on the stair? + Is that my pencil? Well, they _can't_ be paid. + Tell the Marines we have no forms to spare. + I cannot get these Ration States to square. + The Brigadier is coming round, they say. + The Colonel wants a man to cut his hair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "These silly questions! I shall tell Brigade + This office is now closing for repair. + They want to know what Mr. Johnstone weighed, + And if the Armourer is dark, or fair? + I do not know; I cannot say I care. + Tell that Interpreter to go away. + Where is my signal-pad? I left it there. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "Perhaps I should appear upon parade. + Where is my pencil? Ring up Captain Eyre; + Say I regret our tools have been mislaid. + These companies would make Sir DOUGLAS swear. + A is the worst. Oh, damn, is this the _Maire?_ + I'm sorry, Monsieur--_je suis désolé_-- + But no one's pinched your miserable chair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + ENVOI. + + "Prince, I perceive what CAIN'S temptations were, + And how attractive it must be to slay. + O Lord, the General! This is hard to bear. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day." + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +If there is one man in France whom I do not envy it is the G.H.Q. +Weather Prophet. I can picture the unfortunate wizard sitting in his +bureau, gazing into a crystal, _Old Moore's Almanack_ in one hand, a +piece of seaweed in the other, trying to guess what tricks the weather +will be up to next. + +For there is nothing this climate cannot do. As a quick-change artist +it stands _sanspareil_ (French) and _nulli secundus_ (Latin). + +And now it seems to have mislaid the Spring altogether. Summer has +come at one stride. Yesterday the staff-cars smothered one with mud +as they whirled past; to-day they choke one with dust. Yesterday the +authorities were issuing precautions against frostbite; to-day they +are issuing precautions against sunstroke. Nevertheless we are not +complaining. It will take a lot of sunshine to kill us; we like it, +and we don't mind saying so. + +The B.E.F. has cast from it its mitts and jerkins and whale-oil, +emerged from its subterranean burrows into the open, and in every wood +a mushroom town of bivouacs has sprung up over-night. Here and there +amateur gardeners have planted flower-beds before their tents; one of +my corporals is nursing some radishes in an ammunition-box and talks +crop prospects by the hour. My troop-sergeant found two palm-plants in +the ruins of a chateau glass-house, and now has them standing sentry +at his bivouac entrance. He sits between them after evening stables, +smoking his pipe and fancying himself back in Zanzibar; he expects the +coker-nuts along about August, he tells me. + +Summer has come, and on every slope graze herds of winter-worn +gun-horses and transport mules. The new grass has gone to the heads +of the latter and they make continuous exhibitions of themselves, +gambolling about like ungainly lambkins and roaring with unholy +laughter. Summer has come, and my groom and countryman has started to +whistle again, sure sign that Winter is over, for it is only during +the Summer that he reconciles himself to the War. War, he admits, +serves very well as a light gentlemanly diversion for the idle months, +but with the first yellow leaf he grows restless and hints indirectly +that both ourselves and the horses would be much better employed in +the really serious business of showing the little foxes some sport +back in our own green isle. "That Paddy," says he, slapping the bay +with a hay wisp, "he wishes he was back in the county Kildare, he does +so, the dear knows. Pegeen, too, if she would be hearin' the houn's +shoutin' out on her from the kennels beyond in Jigginstown she'd dhrop +down dead wid the pleasure wid'in her, an' that's the thrue word," +says he, presenting the chestnut lady with a grimy army biscuit. "Och +musha, the poor foolish cratures," he says and sighs. + +However, Summer has arrived, and by the sound of his cheery whistle at +early stables shrilling "Flannigan's Wedding," I understand that the +horses are settling down once more and we can proceed with the battle. + +If my groom and countryman is not an advocate of war as a winter sport +our Mr. MacTavish, on the other hand, is of the directly opposite +opinion. "War," he murmured dreamily to me yesterday as we lay on our +backs beneath a spreading parasol of apple-blossom and watched our +troop-horses making pigs of themselves in the young clover--"war! +don't mention the word to me. Maidenhead, Canader, cushions, +cigarettes, only girl in the world doing all the heavy +paddle-work--that's the game in the good ole summertime. Call round +again about October and I'll attend to your old war." It is fortunate +that these gentlemen do not adorn any higher positions than those of +private soldier and second-lieutenant, else, between them, they would +stop the War altogether and we should all be out of jobs. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "---- & Co. + + The Leading Jewellery House. + Grand Assortment of Cut Glass." + _Advt. in Chinese Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD PROBLEM. + +THE SOCIETY FOR THE DISCOVERY OF NEW WAR FOODS TEST THEIR LATEST +DISH.] + + * * * * * + +PICCADILLY. + + _Gay shops, stately palaces, bustle and breeze,_ + _The whirring of wheels and the murmur of trees;_ + _By night or by day, whether noisy or stilly,_ + _Whatever my mood is--I love Piccadilly._ + + Thus carolled FRED LOCKER, just sixty years back, + In a year ('57) when the outlook was black, + And even to-day the war-weariest Willie + Recovers his spirits in dear Piccadilly. + + We haven't the belles with their Gainsborough hats, + Or the Regency bucks with their wondrous cravats, + But now that the weather no longer is chilly; + There's much to enchant us in New Piccadilly. + + As I sit in my club and partake of my "ration" + No longer I'm vexed by the follies of fashion; + The dandified Johnnies so precious and silly-- + You seek them in vain in the New Piccadilly. + + The men are alert and upstanding and fit, + They've most of them done or they're doing their bit; + With the eye of a hawk and the stride of a gillie + They add a new lustre to Old Piccadilly. + + And the crippled but gay-hearted heroes in blue + Are a far finer product than wicked "old Q," + Who ought to have lived in a prison on skilly + Instead of a palace in mid Piccadilly. + + The women are splendid, so quiet and strong, + As with resolute purpose they hurry along-- + Excepting the flappers, who chatter as shrilly + As parrots let loose to distract Piccadilly. + + Thus I muse as I watch with a reverent eye + The New Generation sweep steadily by, + And judge him an ass or a born Silly Billy + Who'd barter the New for the Old Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +A CLEARANCE. + + "WANTED.--Lady shortly leaving the Colony is desirous of + recommending her baby and wash Amahs, also Houseboy."--_South + China Morning Post_. + + * * * * * + + "Though the King's birthday was officially celebrated + yesterday, there were no official celebrations."--_Daily + Express_. + +It seems to have been a case of unconscious celebration. + + * * * * * + + "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when they + come; but do not call them 'Yankees.' They none of them like + it."--_Daily News_. + +As a term of distinction and endearment Mr. Punch suggests +"Sammies"--after their uncle. + + * * * * * + + "Petrograd. + + The local Committee of the Soldiers' and Workmen's Delegates + announces that it will take into its hands effective power + at Cronstadt. and that it will not recognise the Provisional + Government, and will remove all Government representatives. + + This fateful decision was adopted by 21 votes to 40, with + eight abstentions."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The trouble in Russia just now is the tyranny of the minority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WORD OF ILL OMEN. + +CROWN PRINCE (_to KAISER, drafting his next speech_). "FOR GOTT'S +SAKE, FATHER, BE CAREFUL THIS TIME, AND DON'T CALL THE AMERICAN ARMY +'CONTEMPTIBLE.'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, June 5th_.--In listless and dejected mood the House +of Commons reassembled after its all-too-brief recess. Members +collectively missed their MARK, for Colonel LOCKWOOD, the only popular +Food Controller in history, had been summoned upstairs and left the +Kitchen Committee to its fate. The shower of Privy Councillorships, +baronetcies and knighthoods which had simultaneously descended upon +the faithful Commons afforded little compensation for this irreparable +loss; and even the sight of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S immaculate spats +appearing over the edge of the Table was insufficient to dispel the +prevailing gloom. + +Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING made a gallant effort to galvanize his +colleagues into life. Remembering that it was an air-raid that got +him into the House--some people will never forgive the Germans for +this--he seldom allows a similar incident to pass without endeavouring +to improve the occasion. As his policy of "two bombs to one" failed to +intrigue Mr. BONAR LAW he sought to move the adjournment, but when the +Question was put only five Members, instead of the necessary forty, +rose in its support. + +If Sir H. DALZIEL has his way, and the consumer is allowed to purchase +his sugar unrefined, the British breakfast will become a most exciting +meal. Lice, beetles and, on one occasion, a live lizard have been +found in the bags arriving from Cuba. Even with meat at its present +price, Captain BATHURST doubts whether such additions to our dietary +would be really welcome. + +In the pre-historic times before August, 1914, the POSTMASTER-GENERAL +was wont to give on the Vote for his department a long and discursive +account of its multifarious activities, and to enliven the figures +with anecdotes and even with jokes. Mr. ILLINGWORTH knows a better +way. With deliberate monotony he reeled off his statistics to a +steadily diminishing audience. Only once did he evoke a sign of +animation. He has abolished the absurd rule that the person presenting +a five-pound note at a post-office should be required to endorse it; +and, in defending this momentous change, he remarked that he himself +had endorsed many such notes, "but never with my own name." For a +moment Members were startled by this cynical admission of something +which seemed to their half-awakened intelligence very like a +confession of forgery. But the POSTMASTER-GENERAL soon put them to +sleep again, and by nine o'clock had got his vote safely through. + +[Illustration: COLONEL LOCKWOOD'S FAREWELL TO THE KITCHEN ON HIS +ELEVATION TO THE UPPER HOUSE.] + +_Wednesday, June 6th_.--Nothing short of a revolution, it was +supposed, would cause Whitehall to empty its precious pigeon-holes, +in which so many millions of pious aspirations and abortive complaints +sleep their last sleep. But the War has penetrated even here, and Mr. +BALDWIN was able to announce, with a cheerfulness that some of the +older officials probably regard as almost indecent, that already a +vast quantity of material has gone to the pulping-mill. + +[Illustration: _Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL_ (_with eye on the Air Board_). +"ANY UNIFORM SUITS ME, THANK YOU."] + +In the course of the debate on the Representation of the People Bill, +Sir FREDERICK BANBURY explained that he resigned his membership of +the SPEAKER'S Conference because he found that he and his party were +expected to give up everything and to get nothing in return. If so +the Liberals on the Conference were very short-sighted, for a little +concession then would have saved them a lot of trouble now. What Sir +FREDERICK does not know about the art of Parliamentary obstruction is +not worth knowing, and he evidently means to use his knowledge for +all it is worth. He even succeeded--a rare triumph--in drafting an +instruction to the Committee which passed the SPEAKER'S scrutiny +and took a good hour to debate. In vain Sir GEORGE CAVE and Mr. LONG +reminded the House that it had already approved the main principles of +the Bill. You can't ride a cock-horse when BANBURY'S cross. + +Another old hand at the game is Lord HUGH CECIL. His particular +grievance against the Bill is, I fancy, that it alters the character +of his constituency, and, should it pass, will oblige him to appeal +for the votes of callow young Bachelors with horrid Radical notions +instead of being able to repose in confidence upon the support of +a solid phalanx of clerical M.A.'s. He possesses also an hereditary +antipathy to extensions of the franchise. Lord CLAUD HAMILTON must +have thought himself back in 1867, listening to Lord CRANBORNE +attacking the Reform Bill wherewith DIZZY dished the Whigs. Lord HUGH, +like his father, is a master of gibes and flouts and jeers, and used +most of the weapons from a well-stocked armoury in an endeavour to +drill a fatal hole in the Bill. + +At one moment he chaffed the HOME SECRETARY for seeking to turn the +House into a Trappist monastery, where Ministers alone might talk +and Members must obey; at the next he was reminding the House, on a +proposal to raise the age of voters, that a great many of the persons +who took part in the massacre of St. Bartholomew were under twenty-two +years of age. But though Members listened and laughed they refused, +for the most part, to vote with him. The Bill came almost unscathed +through the first day of its ordeal in Committee. + +_Thursday, June 7th_.--If all the hundred and sixty-eight Questions +on the Order Paper had been fully answered the German Government would +have learned quite a number of things that it is most anxious to know, +for the Pacifist group were full of curiosity regarding the war-aims +of the Allies. Several of the most searching inquiries had to be +met by such discouraging _formulæ_ as "I have nothing to add to my +previous reply," or "The matter is still under consideration." + +Mr. SNOWDEN, however, learned from the HOME SECRETARY that the +Government, the House and the Country were in full sympathy with +the war-policy laid down by the French Government, and that we were +prepared to go on fighting until it was achieved. Here is something +for his colleagues to tell the Stockholm Conference, if they can get +there. + +For some occult reason the word "cheese" always excites Parliamentary +merriment. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS'S announcement that the Board of Trade +had made arrangements by which a quantity of this commodity would +be available for public use next week was greeted with the customary +laughter. Upon Army requirements, he added, would depend the quantity +to be "released." Colonel YATE was perturbed by this Gorgonzolaesque +phrase, and anxiously inquired to what species of cheese it referred. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMFORTER. + +_Lance-Corporal_ (_in charge of footsore Tommy who has fallen out on +the march_). "YOU'VE NOTHING TO GROUSE ABOUT. YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR +OWN BACK FROM THE GOVERNMENT. AIN'T YOU WEARIN' OUT THEIR BLINKIN' +BOOTS?"] + + * * * * * + +CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY. + +III. + +(_Private Whidden, who ate his Iron Rations and came to an untimely +end_.) + + Private Tom Whidden had a passion + For eating of his iron ration-- + A thing, you know, which isn't _done_ + (Except, just now and then, for fun), + Because there is a rule about it + And decent people rarely flout it. + But Tom was greedy and each day + He'd put a tin or two away, + Though duty told him, clear and plain, + To keep them safe as brewers' grain, + For eating _as a last resort_ + When eatables were running short. + His Corporal said, "My lad, don't do it!" + His Sergeant groaned, "I'm _sure_ you'll rue it!" + But still he never stopped. At last + His Captain heard and stood aghast.... + Then he said sternly, "Private Whidden, + Really, you know, this is forbidden. + Some day, Sir, if you _will_ devour + Your ration thus from hour to hour, + You'll find yourself in No Man's Land + With neither bite nor sup at hand. + Yes, when it _is_ your proper fare, + Your iron ration won't be there; + Then in your hour of bitter need + You will be sorry for your greed." + + He ceased. But Private Thomas Whidden, + Being thus seriously chidden, + Said simply (with a Devon burr), + "Law bless us! do 'ee zay zo, Zur?" + Then with an uncontrolléd passion + He went and ate his iron ration. + + So, since he chose, from day to-day, + Persistently to disobey, + As you'd expect, the man is dead, + Though not the way his Captain said. + The fate of starving out of hand, + Or nearly so, in No Man's Land-- + Alas! it never came in question. + He died of chronic indigestion. + + * * * * * + +WITH OR WITHOUT A MEDIUM. + + "William Henry Gadd, said to have left Middlesex in 1812 for + South America, or anyone acquainted with his whereabouts, + will oblige by communicating at first opportunity with H.M. + Consul-General, 25 de Mayo 611, this city."--_The Standard_ + (_Buenos Aires_). + + * * * * * + +A correspondent informs us that the male gasworker is familiarly known +as "Cokey," and asks us whether the ladies who have recently entered +the business ought to be described as "Cokettes." We think it very +probable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_interrupting carousal in Bosch +dug-out_). "TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GOD-MAKERS. + +The financial success of Mr. H.G. WELLS' punctuality and enterprise +in looking into the vexed question of the Deity, even in war time, has +had the usual effect, and many literary men are feverishly pursuing +similar studies. In due course some of these will no doubt take +practical shape. Meanwhile it has seemed desirable for a _Punch_ man +to make a few inquiries among our leading philosophers and readers of +the future with regard to the same engrossing topic. For England will +ever be the wonder and despair of other nations in its capacity, +no matter with what seriousness its hands are filled, for pursuing +controversial distractions. + +To run Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT to earth was no easy matter, for in these +days he is behind every scene, and no statesman, however new, can +get along without his counsel or correction. But, since to the +good _Punch_ man difficulties exist only as obstacles of which the +circumvention acts as intellectual cocktails or stimuli, the task was +accomplished. Mr. BENNETT agreed that the book of the other famous +Essex fictionist was a meritorious and ingenious work, but he found it +far from exhaustive. The idea of God, he held, still needed handling +in a capable efficient way. What was wrong with religion was, he said, +its mystery; if only it could be pruned of nonsense and made +practical for the man in the street, it might become really useful. He +personally had not yet thought finally on the subject of God, having +just now more tasks on hand (including a new play and universal +supervision) than he could count on the Five Fingers, but directly he +had time he meant to attend to the matter and polish it off. It was a +case where his intervention was clearly called for, since omniscience +could be handled only by omniscience. + +The _Punch_ man has, however, to admit himself beaten in the matter +of Sir OLIVER LODGE. On inquiring at Birmingham University he was told +that the illustrious Principal was absent, no one knew where, but it +was believed that he was visiting the higher slopes of Mount Sinai. +All that the _Punch_ man could obtain was one of the black velvet +skull-caps which the seer wears, but, as it refused to give up any of +its secrets, he must confess to failure--at any rate until Sir OLIVER +returns. + +Being in Brummagem (as it has been wittily called), the _Punch_ man +bethought him of the Rev. R.J. CAMPBELL, once the very darling of the +new gods--in fact the arch neo-theologian. But Mr. CAMPBELL, erstwhile +so articulate and confident, had nothing to say. All he could do was +to lock himself for safety in his church and look through the keyhole +with his beautiful troubled wistful orbs. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON loomed up to a dizzy height amid a cloud of new +witnesses. Greeting the _Punch_ man, he laid aside his proofs. + +"I was just deleting the abusive epithet 'Lloyd' from all the +references to the PREMIER," he said, "but I have a moment for you. +I find a moment sufficient time for the assumption of any conviction +however lifelong." + +The _Punch_ man asked if he had read the Dunmow evangel. + +"I have read Mr. WELLS'S book, _God, the Invisible Man_, with the +greatest interest," said Mr. CHESTERTON. + +The _Punch_ man ventured to correct him. "_God, the Invisible King_," +he interposed. + +"Very likely," replied the anti-Marconi Colossus. "But what's in a +title anyway? Books should not have titles at all, but be numbered, +like a composer's operas, Op. 1, Op. 2, and so on." + +"Whether or not the opping comes, some of them," said the _Punch_ man, +"are certain to be skipped." + +The giant was visibly annoyed. "You're not playing the game," he +said. "It's I who ought to have said that. Not you. You're only the +interviewer. You'd better give it to me anyway." + +"And what," the _Punch_ man asked, "are your views respecting God?" + +"I consider," he said instantly, "that an honest god's the noblest +work of man." + +"I felt sure you would," the _Punch_ man replied. "In fact, I had a +bet on it." + +The Rev. Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, Editor of _The British Weekly_, +said that for many years his paper had supported Providence, to, he +believed, their mutual advantage, and it would continue to do so. +He personally recognised no need for change. Still, no one welcomed +honest analysis more warmly than himself, and he had read Mr. WELLS'S +masterpiece with all his habitual avidity and delight. + +The _Punch_ man, passing on to the office of _The Times_, craved +permission to see the Editor, through smoked glass if necessary. +Having complied with a thousand formalities he was at last ushered +into the presence. The great man was engaged in selecting the various +types in which to-morrow's letters were to be set up--big for the +whales and minion for the minnows. "I can give you just two minutes," +he said, without looking up. "These are strenuous ti----, I should +say days. Self-advertisement we leave to the lower branches of the +family." + +"All I want to know," said the _Punch_ man, "is what is your idea +of God? The feeling is very general that God should be more clearly +defined and, if possible, personified. One of your own Republican +correspondents, who not only got large type but a nasty leader, has +said so. How do you yourself view Him?" + +"I have a god of my own," said the Editor, watch in hand, "and I see +him very distinctly. Powerfully built, with a boyish face and a wealth +of fairish hair over one side of the noble brow. Aloof but vigilant. +Restive but determined. Quick to praise but quicker to blame. +Adaptive, volcanic, relentless and terribly immanent--terribly. +That is my god. A king, no doubt, but"--here he sighed--"by no means +invisible. Good day." + +Nothing but the absence of Mr. FRANK HARRIS in what is not only his +spiritual but his actual home, America, prevents the publication of +his definitive and epoch-making views on this suggestive theme. + +Meanwhile things go on much as usual. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_superintending party that is trying to +extinguish a fire at French farm_). "GOOD HEAVENS, CORPORAL, WHAT ARE +YOU DOING UP THERE?" + +_Irish Corporal_. "I'M WATCHIN' THE STRAW DOESN'T CATCH A-FIRE, SOR." + +_Officer_. "WELL, TAKE CARE. IS IT AN EASY PLACE TO GET OUT OF?" + +_Corporal_. "IT IS THAT. YOU MIGHT GO THROUGH THE FLOOR ANNYWHERE, +SOR."] + + * * * * * + +MORE SUBSTITUTION. + +From a Stores circular:-- + + "Members who like a very delicately Smoked Bacon or Ham will + appreciate the valuable new line recently added to our Stock, + namely;-- + + ---- MILD CURED SALMON." + + * * * * * + + "From Switzerland comes a report of a noiseless machine gun, + operated by electricity."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +Another invention gone wrong. + + * * * * * + +NEW LIGHTS ON ANCIENT HISTORY. + + "Senor Aladro Castriota, the wealthy wine merchant of + Xerxes."--_Daily News_. + +HERODOTUS omits this detail. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ---- thoroughly recommends her Russian Nursery + Governess; speaks fluent French, German; will answer any + question."--_Daily Paper_. + +There are a lot of questions we should like to ask her about Russia. + + * * * * * + + "The jury found the prisoner guilty of man-slaughter, and was + sentenced to 18 months' hard labour."--_Provincial Paper_. + +No wonder there is a scarcity of jurymen. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"SHEILA." + +_Mark Holdsworth_, a bachelor of middle age, is bored with commercial +success and seeks a diversion. He would like to have a son. And his +attractive typist, _Sheila_, strikes his fancy as a suitable medium. +On her side the girl (obviously recognisable by her innocence as a +pre-war flapper) is sick of drudgery, longs very simply for the joys +of life, as she imagines them, meaning freedom and pretty dresses +and money to spend and piles of invitation cards, and so forth. His +proposal of marriage, practically the first word he has ever said +to her outside their business relations, seems to her too good to be +true. There is no question of a grand passion, not even a question of +every-day romance. It is just a fair exchange, though she is too young +to appreciate the man's motives and is content with the pride of being +his choice and the prospects of the wonderful life that opens before +her. + +Three months later (they are married and in their different ways have +grown to care for one another) we find her discontented. Her social +blunders and the attitude of his people have set her on edge, and +we are further to understand that she is not very responsive to the +strength of his feelings for her. A bad shock comes when she hears, +through a jealous woman-friend of his bachelor days, that he has +married her for the sake of a son. This poisons for her the memory of +their first union and she refuses to be his wife again. + +An old obligation, entered into before his marriage, compels him to +go abroad on business where she cannot accompany him. He does not +know that she is to have a child, and in his absence she keeps the +knowledge from him. Her boy is born and dies. The news, reaching +_Holdsworth_ through a brother, brings him home, and husband and wife +are reconciled. Such is the plot, told crudely enough. + +Now, if Miss SOWERBY meant deliberately to create a woman who does +not really know what she wants--a creature of moods without assignable +motives--then I am not ashamed of failing to understand her _Sheila_, +since her _Sheila_ did not understand herself. But if she is designed +to illustrate the eternal feminine (always supposing that there is +such a thing) then I protest that her chief claim to be representative +of her sex is her unreasonableness. Of course I should never pretend +to say of a woman in drama or fiction that she has not been drawn true +to nature. To know one man is, in most essentials, to know all men; +to know fifty women (though this may be a liberal education) does +not advance you very far in knowledge of a sex that has never been +standardized. + +When we first meet _Sheila_ her idea of happiness is to spend an +evening (innocent of escort) at the picture-palace; take this from +her and her heart threatens to break. Three short months and she has +developed to the point of breaking off relations with a husband +who has given her all the picture-palaces she wanted, but has also +committed the unpardonable indecency of marrying her with the object +of getting a son! + +[Illustration: THE VICE OF INCONSTANCY. + +_Sheila_. "BEFORE YOU MARRIED ME YOU WEREN'T NEARLY SO NICE TO ME. +IT'S HORRID OF YOU TO CHANGE." + +_Mark Holdsworth_.. MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Sheila_........... MISS FAY COMPTON.] + +Here, if she approves the attitude of her heroine, I am tempted to +argue, in my dull way, with the charming author of _Sheila_. You must +always remember that there was no love--not even courtship--before +this betrothal. The girl was swept off her feet by the honour done to +her and by the chance of seeing "life" as she had never hoped to +see it. The man, on his side, wanted a son. Was his object so very +contemptible in comparison with hers? Women marry by the myriad for +the mere sake of having children, and nobody blames them. Indeed, we +call it, very reverentially, the maternal instinct. Well, what is the +matter with the paternal instinct? + +However, I am not going to set my opinion up against Miss SOWERBY'S. +Where I can follow her I find so much clear insight and observation +that I must needs have faith in her good judgment where I cannot +understand. This arrangement still leaves me free to prefer her in +her less serious moments. Here she is irresistible with that delicate +humour of hers that is always in the picture and never has to resort +to the device of manufactured epigram. There is true artistry in her +lightest touch. Her people are not galvanised puppets; they simply +draw their breath and there they are. And she has the particular +quality of charm that makes you yield your heart to her, even when +your head remains your own. + +How much she owes to Miss FAY COMPTON'S interpretation of _Sheila_ +she would be the first to make generous acknowledgment. It was an +astonishingly sensitive performance. Miss COMPTON can be eloquent with +a single word or none at all. By a turn of her eyes or lips she can +make you free of her inarticulate thoughts. I must go again just to +hear her say "Yes," and give that sigh of content at the end of the +First Act. + +Mr. AUBREY SMITH as _Mark Holdsworth_ had a much easier task, and +did it with his habitual ease. Mr. WILLIAM FARREN--a very welcome +return--was perfect as ever in a good grumpy part. It was strange +to see the gentle Miss STELLA CAMPBELL playing the unsympathetic +character of a jealous and rather cruel woman; but she took to it +quite kindly. Mr. LANCE LISTER, as the boy _Geoffrey_, who kept +intervening in the most sportsmanlike way on the weaker side and +adjusting some very awkward complications with the gayest and most +resolute tact, was extraordinarily good. Admirable, too, were Miss +JOYCE CAREY as a shop-girl friend of _Sheila's_ boarding-house period, +and Mr. HENRY OSCAR as her "fate," whose line was shirts. The scene in +which these two encounter the superior relatives of _Sheila's_ husband +abounded in good fun, kept well within the limits of comedy. It was +a pure joy to hear _Miss Hooker's_ garrulous efforts to carry off the +situation with aggressive gentility; but even more fascinating was the +abashed silence of her young man, broken only when he blurted out the +word "shirts," and gave the show away. + +The whole cast was excellent, and Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER must be +felicitated on a very clever production. But it is to author and +heroine that I beg to offer the best of my gratitude for a most +refreshing evening. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "You will find that the men most likely to get off the note + are those who never really got on to it."--_Musical Times_. + +The real question is how those who never got on to the note contrive +to get off it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_reading paper_). "I SEE A BAKER'S BEEN FINED +TEN POUNDS FOR SELLING BREAD LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS OLD." + +_Alan_ (_who now goes to school by train_--_joining in_). "OH, THINK! +AND HE MIGHT HAVE PULLED THE CORD AND STOPPED THE TRAIN _TWICE_ FOR +THAT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +When I first read the title of _Secret Bread_ (HEINEMANN) my idea +was--well, what would anyone naturally think but that here was a +romance of food-hoarding, a tale of running the potato blockade and +the final discovery of a hidden cellar full of fresh rolls? But of +course I was quite wrong. The name has nothing to do with food, other +than mental; it stands for the sustaining idea (whatever it is) +that each one of us keeps locked in his heart as the motive of his +existence. With _Ishmael Ruan_, the hero of Miss F. TENNYSON JESSE'S +novel, this hidden motive was love of the old farm-house hall of +Cloom, and a wish to hand it on, richer, to his son. _Ishmael_ +inherited Cloom himself because, though the youngest of a large +family, he was the only one born in wedlock. Hence the second theme of +the story, the jealousy between _Ishmael_ and _Archelaus_, the elder +illegitimate brother. How, through the long lives of both, this +enmity is kept up, and the frightful vengeance that ends it, make an +absorbing and powerful story. The pictures of Cornish farm-life also +are admirably done--though I feel bound to repeat my conviction that +the time is at hand when, for their own interest, our novelists will +have to proclaim what one might call a close time for pilchards. +Still, Miss JESSE has written an unusually clever book, full of +vigour and passion, of which the interest never flags throughout the +five-hundred-odd closely-printed pages that carry its protagonists +from the early sixties almost to the present day. No small +achievement. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. SKRINE has collected some charming fragrant papers from various +distinguished sources concerning the ever-recurring phenomenon of +_The Devout Lady_ (CONSTABLE), in order to inspire one JOAN, a V.A.D. +heroine of the new order. I guess JOAN, of whom only a faint glimpse +is vouchsafed, must be a nice person--the author's affectionate +interest in her is sufficient proof of that. I suppose we all know +our Little Gidding out of SHORTHOUSE'S _John Inglesant_. Mrs. SKRINE +deprecates the Inglesantian view and offers us a stricter portrait of +MARY COLLET. "Madam" THORNTON, Yorkshire Royalist dame in the stormy +days of the Irish Rebellion and the Second JAMES'S flight to St. +Germain, is another portrait in the gallery; then there's PATTY MORE, +HANNAH'S less famous practical sister, of Barleywood and the Cheddar +Cliff collieries; and a modern great lady of a lowly cottage, in +receipt of an old-age pension and still alive in some dear corner of +England--the best sketch of the series, because drawn from life and +not from documents. If the author has a fault it is her detached +allusiveness, her flattering but mystifying assumption that one can +follow all her references, and her rather mannered idiom: "He proved a +kind husband, but sadly a tiresome." These, however, be trifles. Read +this pleasant book, I beg you, and send it on to your own Joan. + + * * * * * + +I have read with deep interest and appreciation and with a mournful +pleasure the _Letters of Arthur George Heath_ (BLACKWELL, Oxford). It +is the record, in a series of letters mostly written to his parents, +of the short fighting life of a singularly brave and devoted man. +There is in addition a beautiful memoir by Professor GILBERT MURRAY, +whose privilege it was to be ARTHUR HEATH'S friend. HEATH was not +vowed to fighting from his boyhood onward. He was a brilliant scholar +and afterwards a fellow of New College, Oxford. The photograph of him +shows a very delicate and refined face, and his letters bear out +the warrant of his face and prove that it was a true index to his +character. Until the great summons came one might have set him down +as destined to lead a quiet life amid the congenial surroundings of +Oxford, but we know now that the real stuff of him was strong and +stern. He joined the army a day or two after the outbreak of war, +being assured that our cause was just and one that deserved to be +fought for. He had no illusions as to the risk he ran, but that didn't +weigh with him for a moment. On July 11th, 1915, he writes to his +mother from the Western Front: "Will you at least try, if I am killed, +not to let the things I have loved cause you pain, but rather to get +increased enjoyment from the Sussex Downs or from Janie (his youngest +sister) singing Folk Songs, because I have found such joy in them, +and in that way the joy I have found can continue to live?" Beautiful +words these, and typical of the man who gave utterance to them. +The end came to him on October 8th, his twenty-eighth birthday. His +battalion of the Royal West Kent Regiment was engaged in making a +series of bombing attacks. In one of these ARTHUR HEATH was shot +through the neck and fell. "He spoke once," Professor MURRAY tells us, +"to say, 'Don't trouble about me,' and died almost immediately." His +Platoon Sergeant wrote to his parents, "A braver man never existed," +and with that epitaph we may leave him. + + * * * * * + +The scenes of _A Sheaf of Bluebells_ (HUTCHINSON) are laid in +Normandy, where they speak the French language. But the Baroness ORCZY +does not take advantage of this local habit, and is careful not to put +too heavy a strain upon the intelligence of those who do not enjoy the +gift of tongues. "_Ma tante_," "_Mon cousin_," "_Enfin"_--these are +well within the range of all of us. Indeed, though I shrink from +boasting, I could easily have borne it if she had tried me a little +higher. "_Ma tante_," for instance, got rather upon my nerves before +the heroine had finished with it. The plot (early nineteenth century) +is concerned with one _Ronnay de Maurel_, a soldier and admirer of +NAPOLEON, and in consequence anathema to most of his own family. +The heroine was betrothed to _Ronnay's_ half-brother, as elegant and +royalist as _Ronnay_ was uncouth and Napoleonic. It is a tale of love +and intrigue for idle hours, the kind of thing that the Baroness does +well; and, though she has done better before in this vein, you +will not lack for excitement here; and possibly, as I did, you will +sometimes smile when strictly speaking you ought to have been serious. + + * * * * * + +"Economy, I hate the word!" said a much-harassed housekeeper recently: +echoing, I fear, the sentiments of the great majority of the British +people. Nevertheless, let no one be deterred by a somewhat forbidding +title from reading Mr. HENRY HIGGS'S _National Economy: An Outline +of Public Administration_ (MACMILLAN). Although written by a Treasury +official--a being who in popular conception is compounded of red-tape +and sealing-wax and spends his life in spoiling the Ship of State by +saving halfpennyworths of tar--it is not a dry-as-dust treatise on the +art of scientific parsimony, but a lively plea for wise expenditure. +Mr. HIGGS is no believer in the dictum that the best thing to do with +national resources is to leave them to fructify in the pockets of +the taxpayers--"doubtful soil," in his opinion; nor is he afraid that +heavy taxation will kill the goose with the golden eggs. It may be +"one of those depraved birds which eat their own eggs, in which case, +if its eggs cannot be trapped, killing is all it is fit for." The +author is full of well-thought-out suggestions for saving waste and +increasing efficiency in our national administration. The introduction +of labour-saving machinery, the elimination of superfluous officials, +the reduction of the necessary drudgery which too often blights the +initiative and breaks the hearts of our young civil servants--all +these and many other reforms are advocated in Mr. HIGGS'S most +entertaining pages. I cordially commend them to the attention of +everyone who takes an intelligent interest in public affairs, not +excluding Cabinet Ministers, Members of Parliament, and political +journalists. + + * * * * * + +Though already we have so portentous an array of books jostling each +other upon the warshelf, there must be many people who will gladly +find the little space into which they may slip a slender volume +called _A General's Letters to His Son on Obtaining His Commission_ +(CASSELL). So slender indeed is the book that by the time you have +read the disproportionate title you seem to be about halfway through +it. But here is certainly a case of infinite riches in a little room. +The anonymous writer is deserving of every praise for the mingled +restraint and force of his method; you feel that, were the name +less outworn, he might well have signed himself "One Who Knows," for +practical experience sounds in every line. Greatest merit of all, the +letters contrive to handle even the most delicate matters without a +hint of preaching. But no words of mine could, in this association, +add anything to the tribute paid in a brief preface by so qualified a +critic as General Sir H.L. SMITH-DORRIEN: "If young officers will only +study these letters carefully, and shape their conduct accordingly, +they need have no fear of proving unworthy of His Majesty's +Commission." This is high praise, but well deserved. Personally, my +chief regret is that so valuable a collection of advice should have +delayed its appearance so long: there would have been use and to spare +for it these three years past. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME. + +_First Tommy_ (_watching artist engaged in protective colouring_). +"MARVELLOUS, AIN'T IT, BERT, 'OW TALENT WILL OUT, EVEN IN THE MOST +ADWERSE CIRCUMSTANCES?" + +_Second Tommy_. "YUS. WOT _I_ LIKES BEST IS THE EXPRESSION ON THE +DAWG."] + + * * * * * + + "The Admiralty announce that several raids were carried out by + naval aircraft from Dunkirk in the course of the night of May + 21-June 1, the objectives being Ostend, Zeebrugge and + Bruges. Many bombs were dropped on the objectives with good + results."--_Cork Constitution_. + +The Huns must have found it a very long night. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 13, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15688-8.txt or 15688-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/8/15688/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15688-8.zip b/15688-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e08e19b --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-8.zip diff --git a/15688-h.zip b/15688-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8248b8a --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h.zip diff --git a/15688-h/15688-h.htm b/15688-h/15688-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7472c7f --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/15688-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2501 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London + Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + + .author {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 13, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 23, 2005 [EBook #15688] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 13, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page377" + id="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Count <span class="sc">Tisza</span> has declared his + intention of going to the Front for the duration of the War. He + denies, however, that he caught the idea from Mr. + <span class="sc">Winston Churchill.</span></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Germans announced that Chérisy was impregnable. + In view of the fact that the place has since been captured by + the British it is felt that Sir <span class="sc">Douglas + Haig</span> could not have read the German announcement.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their + houses during the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who + have only a little Bunting should hang that out instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll + scratchers" for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In + justice to the bird it must be stated that she has frequently + expressed a desire to be allowed to do war-work, but has been + discouraged.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking + into a Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth + £2,350. There is really no excuse for this sort of thing, + as the public have been repeatedly asked by the Government not + to go in for expensive jewellery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a + substitute sent to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The + department has apologised for the mistake and explained that it + was thought the man was required to deliver milk.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>, twenty-nine + houses in Oberreuth have been burned down and a villager aged + ninety-seven years has been arrested. The veteran, it appears, + puts down his sudden crime to the baneful influence of the + cinema.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather + buttons in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready + to assume that this will have any effect on the existing + meat-pie shortage.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show + a marked decrease of mortality among the inmates since they + were placed on rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by + the declaration that the notices which deal with "Enquiries for + Lost Children" and are prominently displayed in the Gardens + were actually in vogue before the rationing system was + introduced.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat + of Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this + commodity an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to + accept caviare instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted + drinking water," says <i>The British Medical Journal</i>, "have + been obtained by the use of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It + appears that you just mention this name to the germs (stopping + for lunch in the middle) and the little beggars are scared to + death.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a recent message to General + <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span>, the + <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> refers to the German defence as + being "mainly in your hands." And only last April they were + professing to find it in <span class="sc">Hindenburg's</span> + feet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a + precaution it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have + his full name and address written on the collar.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the + loss of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little + book just published, entitled <i>How to Keep Dogs</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said + the Chairman of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a + one-eyed man passed for general service. The case is not + unique, however, for a one-eyed man named + <span class="sc">Nelson</span> is recorded as having seen some + general service in the early part of the nineteenth + century.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot + in almost any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting + a friend.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the + mother took the baby to the recruiting office, where we are + told the military were satisfied that a mistake had been + made.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The author of an article in <i>The Daily Mail</i> stated + recently that nine readers of that paper had sent him poems. + This of course is only to be expected of a newspaper which + advocates reprisals.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> washing soap is + unobtainable in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can + be obtained only at prohibitive prices.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. <span class="sc">Jacob + Epstein</span>, the sculptor, was stated to have passed the + medical test. On the other hand Mr. + <span class="sc">Epstein's</span> Venus is still regarded as + medically unfit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth + birthday declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the + secret of good health. This is a great triumph for the milk + trade.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/377.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/377.png" + alt="'HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?'" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Curate</i> (<i>to old parishioner troubled with + insomnia</i>). "HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER + A STILE?"</p> + + <p><i>Old Lady</i>. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT + SETS ME WORRYIN' ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR + ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The best game the fairies play,</p> + + <p class="i2">The best game of all,</p> + + <p>Is sliding down steeples—</p> + + <p class="i2">You know they're very tall.</p> + + <p>You fly to the weathercock</p> + + <p class="i2">And when you hear it crow</p> + + <p>You fold your wings and clutch your things,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then you let go!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They have a million other games;</p> + + <p class="i2">Cloud-catching's one;</p> + + <p>And mud-mixing after rain</p> + + <p class="i2">Is heaps and heaps of fun;</p> + + <p>But when you go and stay with them</p> + + <p class="i2">Never mind the rest;</p> + + <p>Take my advice—they're very nice,</p> + + <p class="i2">But steeple-sliding's best!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years + old (neutral)."—<i>Scotch Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why doesn't it join the Allies?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page378" + id="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span> + + <h2>A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES.</h2> + + <p>"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've + <i>got</i> one all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't + know as I'm at liberty to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is + this 'ere Defence o' the Realm Act—see? Why, there was a + feller I knew got ten days' cells for just tellin' a young + woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was."</p> + + <p>It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent + the greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances + bent upon finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of + course during his absence Bill had written home regularly, but + his letters had been models of discretion and confined to + matters of the strictest personal interest. Since his return + quite a number of temporary coldnesses had arisen as a result + of his obstinate reticence, and the retired station-master, + after several attacks both in front and flank had ignominiously + failed, flew into a rage and said he didn't believe there was + any Navy left to tell about, the Germans having sunk it all at + the Battle of Jutland.</p> + + <p>Bill said they might 'ave done, he really didn't know, not + to be certain.</p> + + <p>But now, with his bundle handkerchief beside him, just + having another drink on his way to the station, Bill really + seemed to be relenting a little. The customers of the "Malt + House" all leaned forward attentively to listen.</p> + + <p>"It's all among friends, Bill," said the landlord + encouragingly, "it won't go no further, you can rest easy about + that."</p> + + <p>"I've 'eard tell as it's this 'ere Mr. Macaroni," began the + baker, who took in a twopenny paper every day, and gave himself + well-informed airs in consequence.</p> + + <p>"If you'd ever been properly eddicated," said Bill, wiping + his mouth on the back of his hand, "you'd know as the best + discoveries 'ave been made by haccident, same as when the + feller invented the steam-engine along of an apple tumblin' on + 'is 'ead. That's 'ow it is with this 'ere submarine business, + an' no macaroni about it an' no cheese neither.</p> + + <p>"Sailormen gets a deal o' presents sent 'em nowadays, + rangin' from wrist-watches an' cottage-pianners to woolly + 'ug-me-tights in double sennit. But the best present we ever + 'ad—well, I'll tell you.</p> + + <p>"An old lady as was aunt or godmother or something o' the + sort to our Navigatin' Lootenant sent him a present of an extra + large tin of peppermint 'umbugs. Real 'ot uns, they was, and + big—well, I believe you! I've 'ad a deal o' peppermints + in my time, but this 'ere consignment from the Navigator's + great-aunt fairly put the lid on. You'd ha' thought all 'ands + was requirin' dental treatment the day the Navigator shared 'em + out, an' when the steersman come off duty, 'e give the course + to the feller relievin' the wheel as if 'e'd got an 'ot potato + in 'is mouth.</p> + + <p>"Well, the peppermints was in full blast an' the ship + smellin' like a bloomin' sweet factory when the look-out + reported a submarine on our port bow. O' course we was all + cleared for haction, an' beginnin' to feel our Iron Crosses + burnin' 'oles in our jumpers, when we begun to see as there was + something funny about 'er.</p> + + <p>"Naturally we was lookin' for 'er to submerge—but not + she! There she sat, waitin' for us, an' all 'er crew was + pushin' an' fightin' to get their 'eads out of 'er conning + tower. We was right on top of 'er in two twos, and all as we + 'ad to do was to pick up the officers and crew as if they was a + lot o' wasps as 'ad been drinkin' beer, an' tow the + submarine—which was in fust-rate goin' order, not a month + out o' Kiel dockyard—'ome to a port as I'm not at liberty + to mention."</p> + + <p>"But 'ow?" began the baker.</p> + + <p>"I thought as I'd made it middlin' plain," said Bill + severely, "but seein' as some folks wants winders lettin' into + their 'eads I suppose I'd better make it plainer. I daresay + you've 'eard as they're very short o' sweet-stuff in + Germany."</p> + + <p>"I 'ave," said the baker triumphantly, "I read it in my + paper."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Bill, "there was a wind settin' good and strong + from us towards the submarine, an' when one of 'em as 'appened + to be takin' the air at the time got a sniff of us 'e just + couldn't leave off sniffin'. Then 'e passed the word down to + the others, an' the hodour of the peppermints was that powerful + it knocked 'em all of a 'eap, the same as food on an empty + stummnick. See? That's the real reason o' the sugar shortage. + There's 'arf-a-dozen factories workin' night an' day on + Admiralty contracts, turnin' out nothin' at all only peppermint + 'umbugs.</p> + + <p>"Simple, ain't it?" Bill concluded, as he paid for his beer + and reached for his bundle. "Anyway, it does as well as + anything else to tell a lot o' folks as can't let a decent + sailorman spend 'is bit o' leaf in peace an' quietness without + tryin' to get to know what 'e's got no business to tell 'em nor + them to find out."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Concrete holds its own in the construction + of our houses, our public buildings, our + brides...."—<i>New Zealand Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This ought to cement the affections.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page379" + id="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/379.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/379.png" + alt="COMMON IDEALS." /></a> + + <h3>COMMON IDEALS.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">British Food Profiteer</span> (<i>to + German ditto</i>). "ALAS! MY POOR BROTHER. YOU SHOULD HAVE + BEEN AN ENGLISHMAN. ENGLAND IS A FREE COUNTRY."</p> + + <p>[The Berlin <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> states that about + four thousand cases of profiteering are dealt with monthly + in Germany.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FUNERAL OF M. DE BLANCHET.</h2> + + <p>"Never let your husband have a grievance," said Madame + Marcot, stirring the lump of sugar that she had brought with + her to put into her cup of tea. "It destroys the happiness of + the most admirable households. Have you heard of the + distressing case of the de Blanchets—Victor de Blanchet + and his wife?"</p> + + <p>We had not.</p> + + <p>"Very dear friends of mine," said Madame Marcot vivaciously, + delighted at the chance of an uninterrupted innings, "and + belonging to a family of the most distinguished. They were a + truly devoted couple, and had never been apart during the whole + of their married life. As for him, he was an excellent fellow. + If he had a fault, it was only that perhaps he was a little + near; but still, a good fault, is it not? When he was called to + the Front his wife was desolated, simply desolated. And then, + poor M. de Blanchet—<i>not</i> the figure for a + soldier—of a rotundity, Mesdames!" And Madame Marcot + lifted her eyes heavenwards, struck speechless for a moment at + the thought of M. de Blanchet's outline. "However, like all + good Frenchmen, he made no fuss, but went off to do his duty. + He wrote to his wife every day, and she wrote to him.</p> + + <p>"All at once his letters ceased, and then, after a long + delay, came the official notice, 'Missing.' Imagine the + suspense, the anxiety! For weeks she continued to hope against + hope, but at last she heard that his body had been found. It + had been recognised by the clothes, the identity disc (or + whatever you call it), and the stoutness, for, alas, the + unfortunate gentleman's head had been nearly blown away by a + shell and was quite unrecognisable. Poor Madame de Blanchet's + grief was terrible to witness when they brought her his sad + clothing, with the embroidered initials upon it worked by her + own hand. One thing she insisted on, and that was that his body + should be buried at A——, in the family vault of the + de Blanchets, who, as I have said before, are very + distinguished people. "This meant endless red tape, as you may + imagine, and endless correspondence with the authorities, and + delays and vexations, but finally she got her wish, and the + funeral was the most magnificent ever witnessed in that part of + the world. You should have seen the '<i>faire part</i>,'" said + Madame Marcot, alluding to the black-bordered mourning + intimations sent out in France, inscribed with the names of + every individual member of the family concerned, from the + greatest down to <!--page 379 blank--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page380" + id="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span> the most insignificant and + obscure. "Several pages, I assure you; and everybody came. + The cortège was a mile long. M. l'Abbé Colaix + officiated; there was a full choral mass; and she got her + second cousin once removed, M. Aristide Gérant, who, + as you know, is Director of the College of Music at + A——, to compose a requiem specially for the + occasion; and he did not do it for nothing, you may believe + me. In fine, a first-class funeral. But, as she said, when + some of her near relations, including her stepmother, who is + not of the most generous, remonstrated with her on the score + of the expense, 'I would wish to honour my dear husband in + death as I honoured him in life.'</p> + + <p>"After it was all over she had a magnificent marble monument + erected over the tomb, recording all his virtues, and with a + bas-relief of herself (a very inaccurate representation, I am + told, as it gave her a Madonna-like appearance to which she can + lay no claim in real life) shedding tears upon his + sarcophagus."</p> + + <p>Madame Marcot paused for breath, and, thinking the story + finished, we drifted in with appropriate comments. But we were + soon cut short.</p> + + <p>"Ten months afterwards," continued the lady dramatically, + "as Madame de Blanchet, dressed of course in the deepest + mourning, was making strawberry jam in the kitchen and weeping + over her sorrows, who should walk in but Monsieur?"</p> + + <p>"What—her husband?" cried everybody.</p> + + <p>"The same," answered Madame Marcot. "He was a spectacle. He + had lost an arm; his clothing was in tatters, and he was as + thin as a skeleton. But it was Monsieur de Blanchet all the + same."</p> + + <p>"What had happened?" we shrieked in chorus.</p> + + <p>"What has happened more than once in the course of this War. + He had been taken prisoner, had been unable to communicate and + at last, after many marvellous adventures, had succeeded in + escaping."</p> + + <p>"But the other?" we cried.</p> + + <p>"Ah, now we come to the really desolating part of the + affair," said Madame Marcot. "The corpse in M. de Blanchets + clothing, what was he but a villainous Boche—stout, as is + the way of these messieurs—who had appropriated the + clothes of the unfortunate prisoner, uniform, badges, disc and + all, in order, no doubt, to get into our lines and play the + spy. Happily a shell put an end to his activities; but by the + grossest piece of ill-luck it made him completely + unrecognisable, so that Madame de Blanchet, as well as the + officers who identified him, were naturally led into the + mistake of thinking him a good Frenchman, fallen in the + exercise of his duty."</p> + + <p>"What happiness to see him back!" I remarked.</p> + + <p>"I believe you," said Madame Marcot, "and touching was the + joy of M. de Blanchet too, until he observed her mourning. He + was then inclined to be slightly hurt at her taking his death + so readily for granted. However, she soon explained the case; + but, when he heard that a nameless member of the unspeakable + race was occupying the place in the family vault that he had + been reserving for himself for years past at considerable cost, + he became exceedingly annoyed; and when, through the medium of + his relations, he learned of the first-class funeral, and of + the oak coffin studded with silver, and the expensive full + choral mass, and the requiem specially written for the + occasion, and the marble monument, his wrath was such that in + pre-war days, and before he had undergone the reducing + influence of the German hunger-diet, he would certainly have + had an apoplectic seizure. To a man of his economical turn of + mind it was naturally enraging. But the thing that put the + climax on his exasperation was the bas-relief of his wife, + 'ridiculously svelte' as he remarked, shedding tears over the + ashes of a wretched Boche.</p> + + <p>"The situation for him and for the family generally," + concluded Madame Marcot, "is, as you will readily conceive, one + of extreme unpleasantness and delicacy. The cost of exhuming + the Hun, after the really outrageous expense of his interment, + is one that a thrifty man like M. de Blanchet must naturally + shrink from; indeed he assures me that his pocket simply does + not permit of it.</p> + + <p>"In the meantime he can never go to lay a wreath upon the + tombs of his sainted father and mother, or pass through the + cemetery on his way to mass (he is a good Catholic), without + being reminded of the miserable interloper and all the + circumstances of his magnificent first-class funeral. Hence he + is a man with a grievance—an undying grievance, I may + say—for he is practically certain to have a ghost + hereafter haunting the spot that ought to be its resting-place + but isn't. Still, it is <i>chic</i> to have a ghost in the + family. The de Blanchets will be more distinguished than + ever."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/380.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/380.png" + alt="''OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. PODDISH?'" /> + </a> + + <p>"'OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. + PODDISH?"</p> + + <p>"FINE, THANKEE. THEY'VE MADE 'IM A COLONEL."</p> + + <p>"OH, COME——"</p> + + <p>"CAPTAIN, THEN."</p> + + <p>"GO ON. YOU MEAN CORPORAL, P'RAPS."</p> + + <p>"WELL, 'AVE IT THAT WAY IF YOU LIKE. I KNOW IT BEGAN + WITH A 'K.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Lifting and Uplifting.</h4> + + <p>Our Canadian contemporary, <i>Jack Canuck</i>, publishes a + protest against the invasion of Canada by British temperance + reformers, whom it describes as "uplifters." Immediately below + this protest it produces a picture from <i>Punch</i>, lifted + without any acknowledgment of its origin.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"On Sunday one British pilot, flying at + 1,000 ft., saw four hostile craft at about 5,000 ft., and + dived more than a mile directly at them. As he whirled past + the nearest machine he opened fire, and saw the observer + crumple up in the fusselage as the pilot put the machine + into a steep live."—<i>Dally Sketch</i>.</p> + + <p>While confessing ignorance as to the exact nature of a + "live," we are sure it is not as steep as the rest of the + story.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note"> </p> + + <h4>A Muscular Christian.</h4> + + <p>"Vicar, Compton Dando, Bristol, would Let two Fields, or + few Yearlings could run with him."—<i>Bristol Times + and Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" + id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/381.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/381.png" + alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Time 1940.</i></p> + + <p>"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT WAR, + GRANDPA?" "WHAT DID I DO, MY LAD? I + HELPED TO RELIEVE MAFEKING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUSINGS OF MARCUS MULL.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>In the manner of an illustrious Mentor</i>.)</h3> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <p>I noted in last week's issue the persistence of the strange + story that Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, in his wrath + at his reduced majority in Midlothian, broke chairs when the + news arrived. I was careful to add that, as the result of + searching investigation, I was in a position to state that Mr. + <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> never did any such thing. + Still I cannot altogether regret having alluded to the story in + view of the interesting letters on the subject which have + reached me from a number of esteemed correspondents.</p> + + <h3>II.</h3> + + <p>As an eminent Dundonian divine, who wishes to remain + anonymous, remarks, it is a melancholy fact that men of genius + have often been prone to violent ebullitions of temper. He + recalls the sad case of <span class="sc">Milton</span>, who, + while he was dictating his <i>Areopagitica</i>, threw an + ink-horn at his daughter, "to the complete denigration of her + habiliments," as he himself described it. Yet + <span class="sc">Milton</span> was a man of high character and + replete with moral uplift. I remember that my old master, + Professor Cawker of Aberdeen, once told me that as a child he + was liable to fits of freakishness, in one of which he secreted + himself under the table during a dinner-party at his father's + house and sewed the dresses of the ladies together. The result, + when they rose to leave the room, was disastrous in the + extreme. But Professor Cawker, as I need hardly remind my + readers, was a genial and noble-hearted man. I presented him on + his marriage with a set of garnet studs. Ever after when I + dined at his house he wore them. Nothing was ever said between + us, but we both knew, and I shall never forget.</p> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p>My old friend, Lemmens Porter, whose name I deeply regret + not to have read in the Honours List, reminds me of the painful + story of <span class="sc">Swinburne</span>, who, in a fit of + temper, hurled two poached eggs at <span class="sc">George + Meredith</span> for speaking disrespectfully of + <span class="sc">Victor Hugo</span>. The incident is suppressed + in Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse's</span> tactful life, but Mr. + Porter had it direct from <span class="sc">Meredith</span>, + whose bath-chair he frequently pulled at Dorking. + <span class="sc">Swinburne</span> was, I regret to say, pagan + in his views, but, unlike some pagans, he was incapable of + adhering to the golden mean. <span class="sc">Aristotle</span>, + I feel certain, would never have condescended to the use of + such a missile, and it is beyond "imagination's widest stretch" + to picture, say, the late Dr. <span class="sc">Joseph + Cook</span>, of Boston, the present Lord + <span class="sc">Aberdeen</span>, or the Rev. Dr. Donald + McGuffin acting in such a wild and tempestuous manner.</p> + + <h3>IV.</h3> + + <p>Still we must admit the existence of high temper even in men + of high souls, high aims and high achievements. Everyone may + improve his temper. We cannot all emulate the patience of + <span class="sc">Job</span>, but we can at least set before us + the noble example of Professor Cawker, who redeemed the angular + exuberance of his youth by the mellow and mollifying kindliness + of his maturity. Even if Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> + <i>did</i> break chairs, we should not lightly condemn him. You + cannot make omelettes without breaking eggs. Besides, chairs + cannot retaliate.</p> + + <p class="author"><span class="sc">Marcus Mull</span>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note"> </p> + + <h4>A Cynical Headline.</h4> + + <p class="center">"NEW BRITISH BLOW.—BIRTHDAY HONOURS + LIST."—<i>Daily Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate our contemporary on its terseness. <i>The + Times</i> took nearly a column to say the same thing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" + id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span> + + <h2>BALLADE OF INCIPIENT LUNACY.</h2> + + <p><i>Scene</i>.—A Battalion "Orderly" Room in France + during a period of "Rest." Runners arrive breathlessly from all + directions bearing illegible chits, and tear off in the same + directions with illegible answers or no answer at all. + Motor-bicycles snort up to the door and arrogant + despatch-riders enter with enormous envelopes containing + leagues of correspondence, orders, minutes, circulars, maps, + signals, lists, schedules, summaries and all sorts. The tables + are stacked with papers; the floor is littered with papers; + papers fly through the air. Two type-writers click with + maddening insistence in one corner. A signaller buzzes + tenaciously at the telephone, talking in a strange language + apparently to himself, as he never seems to be connected with + anyone else. A stream of miscellaneous + persons—quarter-masters, chaplains, generals, batmen, + D.A.D.O.S.'s, sergeant-majors, staff-officers, buglers, Maires, + officers just arriving, officers just going away, gas experts, + bombing experts, interpreters, doctors—drifts in, wastes + time, and drifts out again.</p> + + <p>Clerks scribble ceaselessly, rolls and nominal rolls, + nominal lists and lists. By the time they have finished one + list it is long out-of-date. Then they start the next. + Everything happens at the same time; nobody has time to finish + a sentence. Only a military mind, with a very limited + descriptive vocabulary and a chronic habit of self-deception, + would call the place orderly.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant speaks, hoarsely; while he speaks he writes + about something quite different. In the middle of each sentence + his pipe goes out; at the end of each sentence he lights a + match. He may or may not light his pipe; anyhow he + speaks:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Where is that list of Wesleyans I made?</p> + + <p class="i2">And what are all those people on the + stair?</p> + + <p>Is that my pencil? Well, they <i>can't</i> be + paid.</p> + + <p class="i2">Tell the Marines we have no forms to + spare.</p> + + <p class="i2">I cannot get these Ration States to + square.</p> + + <p>The Brigadier is coming round, they say.</p> + + <p class="i2">The Colonel wants a man to cut his + hair.</p> + + <p>I think I <i>must</i> be going mad to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"These silly questions! I shall tell Brigade</p> + + <p class="i2">This office is now closing for + repair.</p> + + <p>They want to know what Mr. Johnstone weighed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if the Armourer is dark, or fair?</p> + + <p>I do not know; I cannot say I care.</p> + + <p class="i2">Tell that Interpreter to go away.</p> + + <p>Where is my signal-pad? I left it there.</p> + + <p class="i2">I think I <i>must</i> be going mad + to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Perhaps I should appear upon parade.</p> + + <p class="i2">Where is my pencil? Ring up Captain + Eyre;</p> + + <p>Say I regret our tools have been mislaid.</p> + + <p class="i2">These companies would make Sir + <span class="sc">Douglas</span> swear.</p> + + <p class="i2">A is the worst. Oh, damn, is this the + <i>Maire?</i></p> + + <p>I'm sorry, Monsieur—<i>je suis + désolé</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">But no one's pinched your miserable + chair.</p> + + <p>I think I <i>must</i> be going mad to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10"><span class="sc">Envoi</span>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Prince, I perceive what + <span class="sc">Cain's</span> temptations were,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how attractive it must be to + slay.</p> + + <p>O Lord, the General! This is hard to bear.</p> + + <p class="i2">I think I <i>must</i> be going mad + to-day."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>If there is one man in France whom I do not envy it is the + G.H.Q. Weather Prophet. I can picture the unfortunate wizard + sitting in his bureau, gazing into a crystal, <i>Old Moore's + Almanack</i> in one hand, a piece of seaweed in the other, + trying to guess what tricks the weather will be up to next.</p> + + <p>For there is nothing this climate cannot do. As a + quick-change artist it stands <i>sanspareil</i> (French) and + <i>nulli secundus</i> (Latin).</p> + + <p>And now it seems to have mislaid the Spring altogether. + Summer has come at one stride. Yesterday the staff-cars + smothered one with mud as they whirled past; to-day they choke + one with dust. Yesterday the authorities were issuing + precautions against frostbite; to-day they are issuing + precautions against sunstroke. Nevertheless we are not + complaining. It will take a lot of sunshine to kill us; we like + it, and we don't mind saying so.</p> + + <p>The B.E.F. has cast from it its mitts and jerkins and + whale-oil, emerged from its subterranean burrows into the open, + and in every wood a mushroom town of bivouacs has sprung up + over-night. Here and there amateur gardeners have planted + flower-beds before their tents; one of my corporals is nursing + some radishes in an ammunition-box and talks crop prospects by + the hour. My troop-sergeant found two palm-plants in the ruins + of a chateau glass-house, and now has them standing sentry at + his bivouac entrance. He sits between them after evening + stables, smoking his pipe and fancying himself back in + Zanzibar; he expects the coker-nuts along about August, he + tells me.</p> + + <p>Summer has come, and on every slope graze herds of + winter-worn gun-horses and transport mules. The new grass has + gone to the heads of the latter and they make continuous + exhibitions of themselves, gambolling about like ungainly + lambkins and roaring with unholy laughter. Summer has come, and + my groom and countryman has started to whistle again, sure sign + that Winter is over, for it is only during the Summer that he + reconciles himself to the War. War, he admits, serves very well + as a light gentlemanly diversion for the idle months, but with + the first yellow leaf he grows restless and hints indirectly + that both ourselves and the horses would be much better + employed in the really serious business of showing the little + foxes some sport back in our own green isle. "That Paddy," says + he, slapping the bay with a hay wisp, "he wishes he was back in + the county Kildare, he does so, the dear knows. Pegeen, too, if + she would be hearin' the houn's shoutin' out on her from the + kennels beyond in Jigginstown she'd dhrop down dead wid the + pleasure wid'in her, an' that's the thrue word," says he, + presenting the chestnut lady with a grimy army biscuit. "Och + musha, the poor foolish cratures," he says and sighs.</p> + + <p>However, Summer has arrived, and by the sound of his cheery + whistle at early stables shrilling "Flannigan's Wedding," I + understand that the horses are settling down once more and we + can proceed with the battle.</p> + + <p>If my groom and countryman is not an advocate of war as a + winter sport our Mr. MacTavish, on the other hand, is of the + directly opposite opinion. "War," he murmured dreamily to me + yesterday as we lay on our backs beneath a spreading parasol of + apple-blossom and watched our troop-horses making pigs of + themselves in the young clover—"war! don't mention the + word to me. Maidenhead, Canader, cushions, cigarettes, only + girl in the world doing all the heavy paddle-work—that's + the game in the good ole summertime. Call round again about + October and I'll attend to your old war." It is fortunate that + these gentlemen do not adorn any higher positions than those of + private soldier and second-lieutenant, else, between them, they + would stop the War altogether and we should all be out of + jobs.</p> + + <p class="author"><span class="sc">Patlander</span>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <p class="center">"—— & Co.</p> + + <p>The Leading Jewellery House.<br /> + Grand Assortment of Cut Glass."</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Advt. in Chinese Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" + id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/383.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/383.png" + alt="THE ROAD TO RUIN." /></a> + + <h3>THE ROAD TO RUIN.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" + id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/384.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/384.png" + alt="SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD PROBLEM." /></a> + + <h3>SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD + PROBLEM.</h3><span class="sc">The Society for the Discovery + of New War Foods test their latest dish</span>. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PICCADILLY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Gay shops, stately palaces, bustle and + breeze,</i></p> + + <p><i>The whirring of wheels and the murmur of + trees;</i></p> + + <p><i>By night or by day, whether noisy or + stilly,</i></p> + + <p><i>Whatever my mood is—I love + Piccadilly.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus carolled <span class="sc">Fred Locker</span>, + just sixty years back,</p> + + <p>In a year ('57) when the outlook was black,</p> + + <p>And even to-day the war-weariest Willie</p> + + <p>Recovers his spirits in dear Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We haven't the belles with their Gainsborough + hats,</p> + + <p>Or the Regency bucks with their wondrous + cravats,</p> + + <p>But now that the weather no longer is chilly;</p> + + <p>There's much to enchant us in New Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As I sit in my club and partake of my "ration"</p> + + <p>No longer I'm vexed by the follies of fashion;</p> + + <p>The dandified Johnnies so precious and + silly—</p> + + <p>You seek them in vain in the New Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The men are alert and upstanding and fit,</p> + + <p>They've most of them done or they're doing their + bit;</p> + + <p>With the eye of a hawk and the stride of a + gillie</p> + + <p>They add a new lustre to Old Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the crippled but gay-hearted heroes in blue</p> + + <p>Are a far finer product than wicked "old Q,"</p> + + <p>Who ought to have lived in a prison on skilly</p> + + <p>Instead of a palace in mid Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The women are splendid, so quiet and strong,</p> + + <p>As with resolute purpose they hurry along—</p> + + <p>Excepting the flappers, who chatter as shrilly</p> + + <p>As parrots let loose to distract Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus I muse as I watch with a reverent eye</p> + + <p>The New Generation sweep steadily by,</p> + + <p>And judge him an ass or a born Silly Billy</p> + + <p>Who'd barter the New for the Old Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>A Clearance.</h4> + + <p>"<span class="sc">Wanted</span>.—Lady shortly + leaving the Colony is desirous of recommending her baby and + wash Amahs, also Houseboy."—<i>South China Morning + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Though the King's birthday was officially + celebrated yesterday, there were no official + celebrations."—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It seems to have been a case of unconscious celebration.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"We shall want a name for the American + 'Tommies' when they come; but do not call them 'Yankees.' + They none of them like it."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>As a term of distinction and endearment Mr. Punch suggests + "Sammies"—after their uncle.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p class="author">"Petrograd.</p> + + <p>The local Committee of the Soldiers' and Workmen's + Delegates announces that it will take into its hands + effective power at Cronstadt. and that it will not + recognise the Provisional Government, and will remove all + Government representatives.</p> + + <p>This fateful decision was adopted by 21 votes to 40, + with eight abstentions."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The trouble in Russia just now is the tyranny of the + minority.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" + id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/385.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/385.png" + alt="A WORD OF ILL OMEN." /></a> + + <h3>A WORD OF ILL OMEN.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">Crown Prince</span> (<i>to KAISER, + drafting his next speech</i>). "FOR GOTT'S SAKE, FATHER, BE + CAREFUL THIS TIME, AND DON'T CALL THE AMERICAN ARMY + 'CONTEMPTIBLE.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" + id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 5th</i>.—In listless and dejected + mood the House of Commons reassembled after its all-too-brief + recess. Members collectively missed their + <span class="sc">Mark</span>, for Colonel + <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, the only popular Food + Controller in history, had been summoned upstairs and left the + Kitchen Committee to its fate. The shower of Privy + Councillorships, baronetcies and knighthoods which had + simultaneously descended upon the faithful Commons afforded + little compensation for this irreparable loss; and even the + sight of the <span class="sc">Attorney-General's</span> + immaculate spats appearing over the edge of the Table was + insufficient to dispel the prevailing gloom.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/386-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/386-1.png" + alt="Colonel Lockwood's Farewell to the Kitchen on his elevation to the Upper House." /> + </a><p class="sc">Colonel Lockwood's Farewell to the + Kitchen on his elevation to the Upper House.</p> + </div> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span> made a gallant + effort to galvanize his colleagues into life. Remembering that + it was an air-raid that got him into the House—some + people will never forgive the Germans for this—he seldom + allows a similar incident to pass without endeavouring to + improve the occasion. As his policy of "two bombs to one" + failed to intrigue Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> he + sought to move the adjournment, but when the Question was put + only five Members, instead of the necessary forty, rose in its + support.</p> + + <p>If Sir H. <span class="sc">Dalziel</span> has his way, and + the consumer is allowed to purchase his sugar unrefined, the + British breakfast will become a most exciting meal. Lice, + beetles and, on one occasion, a live lizard have been found in + the bags arriving from Cuba. Even with meat at its present + price, Captain <span class="sc">Bathurst</span> doubts whether + such additions to our dietary would be really welcome.</p> + + <p>In the pre-historic times before August, 1914, the + <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> was wont to give on + the Vote for his department a long and discursive account of + its multifarious activities, and to enliven the figures with + anecdotes and even with jokes. Mr. + <span class="sc">Illingworth</span> knows a better way. With + deliberate monotony he reeled off his statistics to a steadily + diminishing audience. Only once did he evoke a sign of + animation. He has abolished the absurd rule that the person + presenting a five-pound note at a post-office should be + required to endorse it; and, in defending this momentous + change, he remarked that he himself had endorsed many such + notes, "but never with my own name." For a moment Members were + startled by this cynical admission of something which seemed to + their half-awakened intelligence very like a confession of + forgery. But the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> + soon put them to sleep again, and by nine o'clock had got his + vote safely through.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 6th</i>.—Nothing short of a + revolution, it was supposed, would cause Whitehall to empty its + precious pigeon-holes, in which so many millions of pious + aspirations and abortive complaints sleep their last sleep. But + the War has penetrated even here, and Mr. + <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> was able to announce, with a + cheerfulness that some of the older officials probably regard + as almost indecent, that already a vast quantity of material + has gone to the pulping-mill.</p> + + <p>In the course of the debate on the Representation of the + People Bill, Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span> + explained that he resigned his membership of the + <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Conference because he found + that he and his party were expected to give up everything and + to get nothing in return. If so the Liberals on the Conference + were very short-sighted, for a little concession then would + have saved them a lot of trouble now. What Sir + <span class="sc">Frederick</span> does not know about the art + of Parliamentary obstruction is not worth knowing, and he + evidently means to use his knowledge for all it is worth. He + even succeeded—a rare triumph—in drafting an + instruction to the Committee which passed the + <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> scrutiny and took a good hour + to debate. In vain Sir <span class="sc">George Cave</span> and + Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span> reminded the House that it had + already approved the main principles of the Bill. You can't + ride a cock-horse when <span class="sc">Banbury's</span> + cross.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/386-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/386-2.png" + alt="Mr. Winston Churchill" /></a><p><i>Mr. + <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span></i> (<i>with + eye on the Air Board</i>). "ANY UNIFORM SUITS ME, + THANK YOU."</p> + </div> + + <p>Another old hand at the game is Lord <span class="sc">Hugh + Cecil</span>. His particular grievance against the Bill is, I + fancy, that it alters the character of his constituency, and, + should it pass, will oblige him to appeal for the votes of + callow young Bachelors with horrid Radical notions instead of + being able to repose in confidence upon the support of a solid + phalanx of clerical M.A.'s. He possesses also an hereditary + antipathy to extensions of the franchise. Lord + <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton</span> must have thought + himself back in 1867, listening to Lord + <span class="sc">Cranborne</span> attacking the Reform Bill + wherewith <span class="sc">Dizzy</span> dished the Whigs. Lord + <span class="sc">Hugh</span>, like his father, is a master of + gibes and flouts and jeers, and used most of the weapons from a + well-stocked armoury in an endeavour to drill a fatal hole in + the Bill.</p> + + <p>At one moment he chaffed the <span class="sc">Home + Secretary</span> for seeking to turn the House into a Trappist + monastery, where Ministers alone might talk and Members must + obey; at the next he was reminding the House, on a proposal to + raise the age of voters, that a great many of the persons who + took part in the massacre of St. Bartholomew were under + twenty-two years of age. But though Members listened and + laughed they refused, for the most part, to vote with him. The + Bill came almost unscathed through the first day of its ordeal + in Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 7th</i>.—If all the hundred and + sixty-eight Questions on the Order Paper had been fully + answered the German Government would have + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" + id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span> learned quite a number of + things that it is most anxious to know, for the Pacifist + group were full of curiosity regarding the war-aims of the + Allies. Several of the most searching inquiries had to be + met by such discouraging <i>formulæ</i> as "I have + nothing to add to my previous reply," or "The matter is + still under consideration."</p> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>, however, learned from + the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> that the Government, + the House and the Country were in full sympathy with the + war-policy laid down by the French Government, and that we were + prepared to go on fighting until it was achieved. Here is + something for his colleagues to tell the Stockholm Conference, + if they can get there.</p> + + <p>For some occult reason the word "cheese" always excites + Parliamentary merriment. Mr. <span class="sc">George + Roberts's</span> announcement that the Board of Trade had made + arrangements by which a quantity of this commodity would be + available for public use next week was greeted with the + customary laughter. Upon Army requirements, he added, would + depend the quantity to be "released." Colonel + <span class="sc">Yate</span> was perturbed by this + Gorgonzolaesque phrase, and anxiously inquired to what species + of cheese it referred.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/387.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/387.png" + alt="THE COMFORTER." /></a> + + <h3>THE COMFORTER.</h3> + + <p><i>Lance-Corporal</i> (<i>in charge of footsore Tommy + who has fallen out on the march</i>). + <span class="sc">"You've nothing to grouse about. You're + gettin' your own back from the Government. Ain't you + wearin' out their blinkin' boots?"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.</h3> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Private Whidden, who ate his Iron Rations + and came to an untimely end</i>.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Private Tom Whidden had a passion</p> + + <p>For eating of his iron ration—</p> + + <p>A thing, you know, which isn't <i>done</i></p> + + <p>(Except, just now and then, for fun),</p> + + <p>Because there is a rule about it</p> + + <p>And decent people rarely flout it.</p> + + <p>But Tom was greedy and each day</p> + + <p>He'd put a tin or two away,</p> + + <p>Though duty told him, clear and plain,</p> + + <p>To keep them safe as brewers' grain,</p> + + <p>For eating <i>as a last resort</i></p> + + <p>When eatables were running short.</p> + + <p>His Corporal said, "My lad, don't do it!"</p> + + <p>His Sergeant groaned, "I'm <i>sure</i> you'll rue + it!"</p> + + <p>But still he never stopped. At last</p> + + <p>His Captain heard and stood aghast....</p> + + <p>Then he said sternly, "Private Whidden,</p> + + <p>Really, you know, this is forbidden.</p> + + <p>Some day, Sir, if you <i>will</i> devour</p> + + <p>Your ration thus from hour to hour,</p> + + <p>You'll find yourself in No Man's Land</p> + + <p>With neither bite nor sup at hand.</p> + + <p>Yes, when it <i>is</i> your proper fare,</p> + + <p>Your iron ration won't be there;</p> + + <p>Then in your hour of bitter need</p> + + <p>You will be sorry for your greed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He ceased. But Private Thomas Whidden,</p> + + <p>Being thus seriously chidden,</p> + + <p>Said simply (with a Devon burr),</p> + + <p>"Law bless us! do 'ee zay zo, Zur?"</p> + + <p>Then with an uncontrolléd passion</p> + + <p>He went and ate his iron ration.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, since he chose, from day to-day,</p> + + <p>Persistently to disobey,</p> + + <p>As you'd expect, the man is dead,</p> + + <p>Though not the way his Captain said.</p> + + <p>The fate of starving out of hand,</p> + + <p>Or nearly so, in No Man's Land—</p> + + <p>Alas! it never came in question.</p> + + <p>He died of chronic indigestion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>With or without a medium.</h4> + + <p>"William Henry Gadd, said to have left Middlesex in 1812 + for South America, or anyone acquainted with his + whereabouts, will oblige by communicating at first + opportunity with H.M. Consul-General, 25 de Mayo 611, this + city."—<i>The Standard</i> (<i>Buenos Aires</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A correspondent informs us that the male gasworker is + familiarly known as "Cokey," and asks us whether the ladies who + have recently entered the business ought to be described as + "Cokettes." We think it very probable.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" + id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/388.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/388.png" + alt="Time gentlemen, please!" /></a> + + <p><i>British Officer</i> (<i>interrupting carousal in + Bosch dug-out</i>). "<span class="sc">Time, gentlemen, + please</span>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GOD-MAKERS.</h2> + + <p>The financial success of Mr. H.G. + <span class="sc">Wells</span>' punctuality and enterprise in + looking into the vexed question of the Deity, even in war time, + has had the usual effect, and many literary men are feverishly + pursuing similar studies. In due course some of these will no + doubt take practical shape. Meanwhile it has seemed desirable + for a <i>Punch</i> man to make a few inquiries among our + leading philosophers and readers of the future with regard to + the same engrossing topic. For England will ever be the wonder + and despair of other nations in its capacity, no matter with + what seriousness its hands are filled, for pursuing + controversial distractions.</p> + + <p>To run Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span> to earth + was no easy matter, for in these days he is behind every scene, + and no statesman, however new, can get along without his + counsel or correction. But, since to the good <i>Punch</i> man + difficulties exist only as obstacles of which the circumvention + acts as intellectual cocktails or stimuli, the task was + accomplished. Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett</span> agreed that + the book of the other famous Essex fictionist was a meritorious + and ingenious work, but he found it far from exhaustive. The + idea of God, he held, still needed handling in a capable + efficient way. What was wrong with religion was, he said, its + mystery; if only it could be pruned of nonsense and made + practical for the man in the street, it might become really + useful. He personally had not yet thought finally on the + subject of God, having just now more tasks on hand (including a + new play and universal supervision) than he could count on the + Five Fingers, but directly he had time he meant to attend to + the matter and polish it off. It was a case where his + intervention was clearly called for, since omniscience could be + handled only by omniscience.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man has, however, to admit himself beaten + in the matter of Sir <span class="sc">Oliver Lodge</span>. On + inquiring at Birmingham University he was told that the + illustrious Principal was absent, no one knew where, but it was + believed that he was visiting the higher slopes of Mount Sinai. + All that the <i>Punch</i> man could obtain was one of the black + velvet skull-caps which the seer wears, but, as it refused to + give up any of its secrets, he must confess to failure—at + any rate until Sir <span class="sc">Oliver</span> returns.</p> + + <p>Being in Brummagem (as it has been wittily called), the + <i>Punch</i> man bethought him of the Rev. R.J. + <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, once the very darling of the + new gods—in fact the arch neo-theologian. But Mr. + <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, erstwhile so articulate and + confident, had nothing to say. All he could do was to lock + himself for safety in his church and look through the keyhole + with his beautiful troubled wistful orbs.</p> + + <p>Mr. G.K. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span> loomed up to a + dizzy height amid a cloud of new witnesses. Greeting the + <i>Punch</i> man, he laid aside his proofs.</p> + + <p>"I was just deleting the abusive epithet 'Lloyd' from all + the references to the <span class="sc">Premier</span>," he + said, "but I have a moment for you. I find a moment sufficient + time for the assumption of any conviction however + lifelong."</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man asked if he had read the Dunmow + evangel.</p> + + <p>"I have read Mr. <span class="sc">Wells's</span> book, + <i>God, the Invisible Man</i>, with the greatest interest," + said Mr. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span>.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man ventured to correct him. "<i>God, the + Invisible King</i>," he interposed.</p> + + <p>"Very likely," replied the anti-Marconi Colossus. "But + what's in a title anyway? Books should not have titles + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" + id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span> at all, but be numbered, + like a composer's operas, Op. 1, Op. 2, and so on."</p> + + <p>"Whether or not the opping comes, some of them," said the + <i>Punch</i> man, "are certain to be skipped."</p> + + <p>The giant was visibly annoyed. "You're not playing the + game," he said. "It's I who ought to have said that. Not you. + You're only the interviewer. You'd better give it to me + anyway."</p> + + <p>"And what," the <i>Punch</i> man asked, "are your views + respecting God?"</p> + + <p>"I consider," he said instantly, "that an honest god's the + noblest work of man."</p> + + <p>"I felt sure you would," the <i>Punch</i> man replied. "In + fact, I had a bet on it."</p> + + <p>The Rev. Sir <span class="sc">William Robertson + Nicoll</span>, Editor of <i>The British Weekly</i>, said that + for many years his paper had supported Providence, to, he + believed, their mutual advantage, and it would continue to do + so. He personally recognised no need for change. Still, no one + welcomed honest analysis more warmly than himself, and he had + read Mr. <span class="sc">Wells's</span> masterpiece with all + his habitual avidity and delight.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man, passing on to the office of <i>The + Times</i>, craved permission to see the Editor, through smoked + glass if necessary. Having complied with a thousand formalities + he was at last ushered into the presence. The great man was + engaged in selecting the various types in which to-morrow's + letters were to be set up—big for the whales and minion + for the minnows. "I can give you just two minutes," he said, + without looking up. "These are strenuous ti——, I + should say days. Self-advertisement we leave to the lower + branches of the family."</p> + + <p>"All I want to know," said the <i>Punch</i> man, "is what is + your idea of God? The feeling is very general that God should + be more clearly defined and, if possible, personified. One of + your own Republican correspondents, who not only got large type + but a nasty leader, has said so. How do you yourself view + Him?"</p> + + <p>"I have a god of my own," said the Editor, watch in hand, + "and I see him very distinctly. Powerfully built, with a boyish + face and a wealth of fairish hair over one side of the noble + brow. Aloof but vigilant. Restive but determined. Quick to + praise but quicker to blame. Adaptive, volcanic, relentless and + terribly immanent—terribly. That is my god. A king, no + doubt, but"—here he sighed—"by no means invisible. + Good day."</p> + + <p>Nothing but the absence of Mr. <span class="sc">Frank + Harris</span> in what is not only his spiritual but his actual + home, America, prevents the publication of his definitive and + epoch-making views on this suggestive theme.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile things go on much as usual.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/389.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/389.png" + alt="Good heavens, Corporal, what are you doing up there?" /> + </a><p><i>Officer</i> (<i>superintending party that is trying + to extinguish a fire at French farm</i>). + "<span class="sc">Good heavens, Corporal, what are you + doing up there</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Irish Corporal</i>. "<span class="sc">I'm watchin' the + straw doesn't catch a-fire, Sor</span>."</p> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, take care. Is it an + easy place to get out of</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Corporal</i>. "<span class="sc">It is that. You might go + through the floor annywhere, Sor</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>More Substitution.</h4> + + <p>From a Stores circular:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Members who like a very delicately Smoked + Bacon or Ham will appreciate the valuable new line recently + added to our Stock, namely;—</p> + + <p class="center">—— <span class="sc">Mild + Cured Salmon</span>."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"From Switzerland comes a report of a + noiseless machine gun, operated by + electricity."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Another invention gone wrong.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>New Lights on Ancient History.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Senor Aladro Castriota, the wealthy wine + merchant of Xerxes."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><span class="sc">Herodotus</span> omits this detail.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mrs. —— thoroughly recommends + her Russian Nursery Governess; speaks fluent French, + German; will answer any question."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There are a lot of questions we should like to ask her about + Russia.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The jury found the prisoner guilty of + man-slaughter, and was sentenced to 18 months' hard + labour."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No wonder there is a scarcity of jurymen.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" + id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>"<span class="sc">Sheila</span>."</h3> + + <p><i>Mark Holdsworth</i>, a bachelor of middle age, is bored + with commercial success and seeks a diversion. He would like to + have a son. And his attractive typist, <i>Sheila</i>, strikes + his fancy as a suitable medium. On her side the girl (obviously + recognisable by her innocence as a pre-war flapper) is sick of + drudgery, longs very simply for the joys of life, as she + imagines them, meaning freedom and pretty dresses and money to + spend and piles of invitation cards, and so forth. His proposal + of marriage, practically the first word he has ever said to her + outside their business relations, seems to her too good to be + true. There is no question of a grand passion, not even a + question of every-day romance. It is just a fair exchange, + though she is too young to appreciate the man's motives and is + content with the pride of being his choice and the prospects of + the wonderful life that opens before her.</p> + + <p>Three months later (they are married and in their different + ways have grown to care for one another) we find her + discontented. Her social blunders and the attitude of his + people have set her on edge, and we are further to understand + that she is not very responsive to the strength of his feelings + for her. A bad shock comes when she hears, through a jealous + woman-friend of his bachelor days, that he has married her for + the sake of a son. This poisons for her the memory of their + first union and she refuses to be his wife again.</p> + + <p>An old obligation, entered into before his marriage, compels + him to go abroad on business where she cannot accompany him. He + does not know that she is to have a child, and in his absence + she keeps the knowledge from him. Her boy is born and dies. The + news, reaching <i>Holdsworth</i> through a brother, brings him + home, and husband and wife are reconciled. Such is the plot, + told crudely enough.</p> + + <p>Now, if Miss <span class="sc">Sowerby</span> meant + deliberately to create a woman who does not really know what + she wants—a creature of moods without assignable + motives—then I am not ashamed of failing to understand + her <i>Sheila</i>, since her <i>Sheila</i> did not understand + herself. But if she is designed to illustrate the eternal + feminine (always supposing that there is such a thing) then I + protest that her chief claim to be representative of her sex is + her unreasonableness. Of course I should never pretend to say + of a woman in drama or fiction that she has not been drawn true + to nature. To know one man is, in most essentials, to know all + men; to know fifty women (though this may be a liberal + education) does not advance you very far in knowledge of a sex + that has never been standardized.</p> + + <p>When we first meet <i>Sheila</i> her idea of happiness is to + spend an evening (innocent of escort) at the picture-palace; + take this from her and her heart threatens to break. Three + short months and she has developed to the point of breaking off + relations with a husband who has given her all the + picture-palaces she wanted, but has also committed the + unpardonable indecency of marrying her with the object of + getting a son!</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/390.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/390.png" + alt="THE VICE OF INCONSTANCY." /></a>THE VICE OF + INCONSTANCY. + + <p><i>Sheila</i>. "<span class="sc">Before you married me + you weren't nearly so nice to me. It's horrid of you to + change</span>."</p> + + <table summary="cast"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Mark Holdsworth . .</i></td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="right">MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Sheila . . . . . . . . + .</i></td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">MISS FAY COMPTON.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <p>Here, if she approves the attitude of her heroine, I am + tempted to argue, in my dull way, with the charming author of + <i>Sheila</i>. You must always remember that there was no + love—not even courtship—before this betrothal. The + girl was swept off her feet by the honour done to her and by + the chance of seeing "life" as she had never hoped to see it. + The man, on his side, wanted a son. Was his object so very + contemptible in comparison with hers? Women marry by the myriad + for the mere sake of having children, and nobody blames them. + Indeed, we call it, very reverentially, the maternal instinct. + Well, what is the matter with the paternal instinct?</p> + + <p>However, I am not going to set my opinion up against Miss + <span class="sc">Sowerby's</span>. Where I can follow her I + find so much clear insight and observation that I must needs + have faith in her good judgment where I cannot understand. This + arrangement still leaves me free to prefer her in her less + serious moments. Here she is irresistible with that delicate + humour of hers that is always in the picture and never has to + resort to the device of manufactured epigram. There is true + artistry in her lightest touch. Her people are not galvanised + puppets; they simply draw their breath and there they are. And + she has the particular quality of charm that makes you yield + your heart to her, even when your head remains your own.</p> + + <p>How much she owes to Miss <span class="sc">Fay + Compton's</span> interpretation of <i>Sheila</i> she would be + the first to make generous acknowledgment. It was an + astonishingly sensitive performance. Miss + <span class="sc">Compton</span> can be eloquent with a single + word or none at all. By a turn of her eyes or lips she can make + you free of her inarticulate thoughts. I must go again just to + hear her say "Yes," and give that sigh of content at the end of + the First Act.</p> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Aubrey Smith</span> as <i>Mark + Holdsworth</i> had a much easier task, and did it with his + habitual ease. Mr. <span class="sc">William + Farren</span>—a very welcome return—was perfect as + ever in a good grumpy part. It was strange to see the gentle + Miss <span class="sc">Stella Campbell</span> playing the + unsympathetic character of a jealous and rather cruel woman; + but she took to it quite kindly. Mr. <span class="sc">Lance + Lister</span>, as the boy <i>Geoffrey</i>, who kept intervening + in the most sportsmanlike way on the weaker side and adjusting + some very awkward complications with the gayest and most + resolute tact, was extraordinarily good. Admirable, too, were + Miss <span class="sc">Joyce Carey</span> as a shop-girl friend + of <i>Sheila's</i> boarding-house period, and Mr. + <span class="sc">Henry Oscar</span> as her "fate," whose line + was shirts. The scene in which these two encounter the superior + relatives of <i>Sheila's</i> husband abounded in good fun, kept + well within the limits of comedy. It was a pure joy to hear + <i>Miss Hooker's</i> garrulous efforts to carry off the + situation with aggressive gentility; but even more fascinating + was the abashed silence of her young man, broken only when he + blurted out the word "shirts," and gave the show away.</p> + + <p>The whole cast was excellent, and Sir + <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> must be felicitated on + a very clever production. But it is to author and heroine that + I beg to offer the best of my gratitude for a most refreshing + evening.</p> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"You will find that the men most likely to + get off the note are those who never really got on to + it."—<i>Musical Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The real question is how those who never got on to the note + contrive to get off it.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" + id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images//391.png"><img width="100%" + src="images//391.png" + alt="I see a baker's been fined ten pounds for selling bread less than twelve hours old." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Mother</i> (<i>reading paper</i>). + "<span class="sc">I see a baker's been fined ten pounds for + selling bread less than twelve hours old</span>."</p> + + <p><i>Alan</i> (<i>who now goes to school by + train</i>—<i>joining in</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, + think! and he might have pulled the cord and stopped the + train <i>twice</i> for that</span>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h3> + + <p>When I first read the title of <i>Secret Bread</i> + (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) my idea was—well, + what would anyone naturally think but that here was a romance + of food-hoarding, a tale of running the potato blockade and the + final discovery of a hidden cellar full of fresh rolls? But of + course I was quite wrong. The name has nothing to do with food, + other than mental; it stands for the sustaining idea (whatever + it is) that each one of us keeps locked in his heart as the + motive of his existence. With <i>Ishmael Ruan</i>, the hero of + Miss F. <span class="sc">Tennyson Jesse's</span> novel, this + hidden motive was love of the old farm-house hall of Cloom, and + a wish to hand it on, richer, to his son. <i>Ishmael</i> + inherited Cloom himself because, though the youngest of a large + family, he was the only one born in wedlock. Hence the second + theme of the story, the jealousy between <i>Ishmael</i> and + <i>Archelaus</i>, the elder illegitimate brother. How, through + the long lives of both, this enmity is kept up, and the + frightful vengeance that ends it, make an absorbing and + powerful story. The pictures of Cornish farm-life also are + admirably done—though I feel bound to repeat my + conviction that the time is at hand when, for their own + interest, our novelists will have to proclaim what one might + call a close time for pilchards. Still, Miss + <span class="sc">Jesse</span> has written an unusually clever + book, full of vigour and passion, of which the interest never + flags throughout the five-hundred-odd closely-printed pages + that carry its protagonists from the early sixties almost to + the present day. No small achievement.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. <span class="sc">Skrine</span> has collected some + charming fragrant papers from various distinguished sources + concerning the ever-recurring phenomenon of <i>The Devout + Lady</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>), in order to + inspire one <span class="sc">Joan</span>, a V.A.D. heroine of + the new order. I guess <span class="sc">Joan</span>, of whom + only a faint glimpse is vouchsafed, must be a nice + person—the author's affectionate interest in her is + sufficient proof of that. I suppose we all know our Little + Gidding out of <span class="sc">Shorthouse's</span> <i>John + Inglesant</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Skrine</span> deprecates + the Inglesantian view and offers us a stricter portrait of + <span class="sc">Mary Collet</span>. "Madam" + <span class="sc">Thornton</span>, Yorkshire Royalist dame in + the stormy days of the Irish Rebellion and the Second + <span class="sc">James's</span> flight to St. Germain, is + another portrait in the gallery; then there's + <span class="sc">Patty More, Hannah's</span> less famous + practical sister, of Barleywood and the Cheddar Cliff + collieries; and a modern great lady of a lowly cottage, in + receipt of an old-age pension and still alive in some dear + corner of England—the best sketch of the series, because + drawn from life and not from documents. If the author has a + fault it is her detached allusiveness, her flattering but + mystifying assumption that one can follow all her references, + and her rather mannered idiom: "He proved a kind husband, but + sadly a tiresome." These, however, be trifles. Read this + pleasant book, I beg you, and send it on to your own Joan.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have read with deep interest and appreciation and with a + mournful pleasure the <i>Letters of Arthur George Heath</i> + (<span class="sc">Blackwell</span>, Oxford). It is the record, + in a series of letters mostly written to his parents, of the + short fighting life of a singularly brave and devoted man. + There is in addition a beautiful memoir by Professor + <span class="sc">Gilbert Murray</span>, whose privilege it was + to be <span class="sc">Arthur Heath's</span> friend. + <span class="sc">Heath</span> was not vowed to fighting from + his boyhood onward. He was a brilliant scholar and afterwards a + fellow of New College, Oxford. The photograph of him + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" + id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span> shows a very delicate and + refined face, and his letters bear out the warrant of his + face and prove that it was a true index to his character. + Until the great summons came one might have set him down as + destined to lead a quiet life amid the congenial + surroundings of Oxford, but we know now that the real stuff + of him was strong and stern. He joined the army a day or two + after the outbreak of war, being assured that our cause was + just and one that deserved to be fought for. He had no + illusions as to the risk he ran, but that didn't weigh with + him for a moment. On July 11th, 1915, he writes to his + mother from the Western Front: "Will you at least try, if I + am killed, not to let the things I have loved cause you + pain, but rather to get increased enjoyment from the Sussex + Downs or from Janie (his youngest sister) singing Folk + Songs, because I have found such joy in them, and in that + way the joy I have found can continue to live?" Beautiful + words these, and typical of the man who gave utterance to + them. The end came to him on October 8th, his twenty-eighth + birthday. His battalion of the Royal West Kent Regiment was + engaged in making a series of bombing attacks. In one of + these <span class="sc">Arthur Heath</span> was shot through + the neck and fell. "He spoke once," Professor + <span class="sc">Murray</span> tells us, "to say, 'Don't + trouble about me,' and died almost immediately." His Platoon + Sergeant wrote to his parents, "A braver man never existed," + and with that epitaph we may leave him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The scenes of <i>A Sheaf of Bluebells</i> + (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) are laid in Normandy, + where they speak the French language. But the Baroness + <span class="sc">Orczy</span> does not take advantage of this + local habit, and is careful not to put too heavy a strain upon + the intelligence of those who do not enjoy the gift of tongues. + "<i>Ma tante</i>," "<i>Mon cousin</i>," + "<i>Enfin"</i>—these are well within the range of all of + us. Indeed, though I shrink from boasting, I could easily have + borne it if she had tried me a little higher. "<i>Ma + tante</i>," for instance, got rather upon my nerves before the + heroine had finished with it. The plot (early nineteenth + century) is concerned with one <i>Ronnay de Maurel</i>, a + soldier and admirer of <span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, and in + consequence anathema to most of his own family. The heroine was + betrothed to <i>Ronnay's</i> half-brother, as elegant and + royalist as <i>Ronnay</i> was uncouth and Napoleonic. It is a + tale of love and intrigue for idle hours, the kind of thing + that the Baroness does well; and, though she has done better + before in this vein, you will not lack for excitement here; and + possibly, as I did, you will sometimes smile when strictly + speaking you ought to have been serious.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Economy, I hate the word!" said a much-harassed housekeeper + recently: echoing, I fear, the sentiments of the great majority + of the British people. Nevertheless, let no one be deterred by + a somewhat forbidding title from reading Mr. + <span class="sc">Henry Higgs's</span> <i>National Economy: An + Outline of Public Administration</i> + (<span class="sc">Macmillan</span>). Although written by a + Treasury official—a being who in popular conception is + compounded of red-tape and sealing-wax and spends his life in + spoiling the Ship of State by saving halfpennyworths of + tar—it is not a dry-as-dust treatise on the art of + scientific parsimony, but a lively plea for wise expenditure. + Mr. <span class="sc">Higgs</span> is no believer in the dictum + that the best thing to do with national resources is to leave + them to fructify in the pockets of the + taxpayers—"doubtful soil," in his opinion; nor is he + afraid that heavy taxation will kill the goose with the golden + eggs. It may be "one of those depraved birds which eat their + own eggs, in which case, if its eggs cannot be trapped, killing + is all it is fit for." The author is full of well-thought-out + suggestions for saving waste and increasing efficiency in our + national administration. The introduction of labour-saving + machinery, the elimination of superfluous officials, the + reduction of the necessary drudgery which too often blights the + initiative and breaks the hearts of our young civil + servants—all these and many other reforms are advocated + in Mr. <span class="sc">Higgs's</span> most entertaining pages. + I cordially commend them to the attention of everyone who takes + an intelligent interest in public affairs, not excluding + Cabinet Ministers, Members of Parliament, and political + journalists.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Though already we have so portentous an array of books + jostling each other upon the warshelf, there must be many + people who will gladly find the little space into which they + may slip a slender volume called <i>A General's Letters to His + Son on Obtaining His Commission</i> + (<span class="sc">Cassell</span>). So slender indeed is the + book that by the time you have read the disproportionate title + you seem to be about halfway through it. But here is certainly + a case of infinite riches in a little room. The anonymous + writer is deserving of every praise for the mingled restraint + and force of his method; you feel that, were the name less + outworn, he might well have signed himself "One Who Knows," for + practical experience sounds in every line. Greatest merit of + all, the letters contrive to handle even the most delicate + matters without a hint of preaching. But no words of mine + could, in this association, add anything to the tribute paid in + a brief preface by so qualified a critic as General Sir H.L. + <span class="sc">Smith-Dorrien</span>: "If young officers will + only study these letters carefully, and shape their conduct + accordingly, they need have no fear of proving unworthy of His + Majesty's Commission." This is high praise, but well deserved. + Personally, my chief regret is that so valuable a collection of + advice should have delayed its appearance so long: there would + have been use and to spare for it these three years past.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/392.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/392.png" + alt="THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME." /></a> + + <h4>THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME.</h4> + + <p><i>First Tommy</i> (<i>watching artist engaged in + protective colouring</i>). "<span class="sc">Marvellous, + ain't it, Bert, 'ow talent will out, even in the most + adwerse circumstances</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Tommy</i>. "<span class="sc">Yus. Wot <i>I</i> + likes best is the expression on the dawg</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The Admiralty announce that several raids + were carried out by naval aircraft from Dunkirk in the + course of the night of May 21-June 1, the objectives being + Ostend, Zeebrugge and Bruges. Many bombs were dropped on + the objectives with good results."—<i>Cork + Constitution</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Huns must have found it a very long night.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 13, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15688-h.htm or 15688-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/8/15688/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15688-h/images/377.png b/15688-h/images/377.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73e6a7d --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/377.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/379.png b/15688-h/images/379.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc523a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/379.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/380.png b/15688-h/images/380.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bafef3d --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/380.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/381.png b/15688-h/images/381.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2221a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/381.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/383.png b/15688-h/images/383.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..62122ba --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/383.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/384.png b/15688-h/images/384.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..396f894 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/384.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/385.png b/15688-h/images/385.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0154a1c --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/385.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/386-1.png b/15688-h/images/386-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3266f2c --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/386-1.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/386-2.png b/15688-h/images/386-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97d2bf0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/386-2.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/387.png b/15688-h/images/387.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b675b88 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/387.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/388.png b/15688-h/images/388.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d793370 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/388.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/389.png b/15688-h/images/389.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..735f168 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/389.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/390.png b/15688-h/images/390.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d87e6e --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/390.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/391.png b/15688-h/images/391.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f1c4d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/391.png diff --git a/15688-h/images/392.png b/15688-h/images/392.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..95bf838 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/images/392.png diff --git a/15688.txt b/15688.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f096a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/15688.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1912 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 13, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 23, 2005 [EBook #15688] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +June 13, 1917. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Count TISZA has declared his intention of going to the Front for the +duration of the War. He denies, however, that he caught the idea from +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + + *** + +The Germans announced that Cherisy was impregnable. In view of the +fact that the place has since been captured by the British it is felt +that Sir DOUGLAS HAIG could not have read the German announcement. + + *** + +Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their houses during +the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who have only a little +Bunting should hang that out instead. + + *** + +A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll scratchers" +for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In justice to the bird +it must be stated that she has frequently expressed a desire to be +allowed to do war-work, but has been discouraged. + + *** + +A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking into a +Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth L2,350. There is really +no excuse for this sort of thing, as the public have been repeatedly +asked by the Government not to go in for expensive jewellery. + + *** + +An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a substitute sent +to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The department has apologised +for the mistake and explained that it was thought the man was required +to deliver milk. + + *** + +According to the _Berliner Tageblatt_, twenty-nine houses in Oberreuth +have been burned down and a villager aged ninety-seven years has been +arrested. The veteran, it appears, puts down his sudden crime to the +baneful influence of the cinema. + + *** + +One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather buttons +in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready to assume that +this will have any effect on the existing meat-pie shortage. + + *** + +Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show a marked +decrease of mortality among the inmates since they were placed on +rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by the declaration that +the notices which deal with "Enquiries for Lost Children" and are +prominently displayed in the Gardens were actually in vogue before the +rationing system was introduced. + + *** + +Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat of +Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this commodity +an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to accept caviare +instead. + + *** + +"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted drinking water," +says _The British Medical Journal_, "have been obtained by the use +of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It appears that you just mention this +name to the germs (stopping for lunch in the middle) and the little +beggars are scared to death. + + *** + +In a recent message to General LUDENDORFF, the KAISER refers to the +German defence as being "mainly in your hands." And only last April +they were professing to find it in HINDENBURG'S feet. + + *** + +It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a precaution +it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have his full name and +address written on the collar. + + *** + +The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the loss +of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little book just +published, entitled _How to Keep Dogs_. + + *** + +"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said the Chairman +of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a one-eyed man passed +for general service. The case is not unique, however, for a one-eyed +man named NELSON is recorded as having seen some general service in +the early part of the nineteenth century. + + *** + +Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot in almost +any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting a friend. + + *** + +A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the mother took +the baby to the recruiting office, where we are told the military were +satisfied that a mistake had been made. + + *** + +The author of an article in _The Daily Mail_ stated recently that nine +readers of that paper had sent him poems. This of course is only to be +expected of a newspaper which advocates reprisals. + + *** + +According to the _Vossische Zeitung_ washing soap is unobtainable +in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can be obtained only at +prohibitive prices. + + *** + +Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN, the sculptor, +was stated to have passed the medical test. On the other hand Mr. +EPSTEIN'S Venus is still regarded as medically unfit. + + *** + +A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth birthday +declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the secret of good +health. This is a great triumph for the milk trade. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate_ (_to old parishioner troubled with insomnia_). +"HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?" + +_Old Lady_. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT SETS ME WORRYIN' +ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY. + + The best game the fairies play, + The best game of all, + Is sliding down steeples-- + You know they're very tall. + You fly to the weathercock + And when you hear it crow + You fold your wings and clutch your things, + And then you let go! + + They have a million other games; + Cloud-catching's one; + And mud-mixing after rain + Is heaps and heaps of fun; + But when you go and stay with them + Never mind the rest; + Take my advice--they're very nice, + But steeple-sliding's best! + + * * * * * + + "Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years old + (neutral)."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Why doesn't it join the Allies? + + * * * * * + +A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES. + +"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've _got_ one +all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't know as I'm at liberty +to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is this 'ere Defence o' the Realm +Act--see? Why, there was a feller I knew got ten days' cells for just +tellin' a young woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was." + +It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent the +greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances bent upon +finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of course during +his absence Bill had written home regularly, but his letters had been +models of discretion and confined to matters of the strictest personal +interest. Since his return quite a number of temporary coldnesses +had arisen as a result of his obstinate reticence, and the retired +station-master, after several attacks both in front and flank had +ignominiously failed, flew into a rage and said he didn't believe +there was any Navy left to tell about, the Germans having sunk it all +at the Battle of Jutland. + +Bill said they might 'ave done, he really didn't know, not to be +certain. + +But now, with his bundle handkerchief beside him, just having another +drink on his way to the station, Bill really seemed to be relenting +a little. The customers of the "Malt House" all leaned forward +attentively to listen. + +"It's all among friends, Bill," said the landlord encouragingly, "it +won't go no further, you can rest easy about that." + +"I've 'eard tell as it's this 'ere Mr. Macaroni," began the baker, +who took in a twopenny paper every day, and gave himself well-informed +airs in consequence. + +"If you'd ever been properly eddicated," said Bill, wiping his mouth +on the back of his hand, "you'd know as the best discoveries 'ave been +made by haccident, same as when the feller invented the steam-engine +along of an apple tumblin' on 'is 'ead. That's 'ow it is with this +'ere submarine business, an' no macaroni about it an' no cheese +neither. + +"Sailormen gets a deal o' presents sent 'em nowadays, rangin' from +wrist-watches an' cottage-pianners to woolly 'ug-me-tights in double +sennit. But the best present we ever 'ad--well, I'll tell you. + +"An old lady as was aunt or godmother or something o' the sort to +our Navigatin' Lootenant sent him a present of an extra large tin of +peppermint 'umbugs. Real 'ot uns, they was, and big--well, I believe +you! I've 'ad a deal o' peppermints in my time, but this 'ere +consignment from the Navigator's great-aunt fairly put the lid on. +You'd ha' thought all 'ands was requirin' dental treatment the day +the Navigator shared 'em out, an' when the steersman come off duty, +'e give the course to the feller relievin' the wheel as if 'e'd got an +'ot potato in 'is mouth. + +"Well, the peppermints was in full blast an' the ship smellin' like a +bloomin' sweet factory when the look-out reported a submarine on our +port bow. O' course we was all cleared for haction, an' beginnin' to +feel our Iron Crosses burnin' 'oles in our jumpers, when we begun to +see as there was something funny about 'er. + +"Naturally we was lookin' for 'er to submerge--but not she! There she +sat, waitin' for us, an' all 'er crew was pushin' an' fightin' to get +their 'eads out of 'er conning tower. We was right on top of 'er in +two twos, and all as we 'ad to do was to pick up the officers and crew +as if they was a lot o' wasps as 'ad been drinkin' beer, an' tow the +submarine--which was in fust-rate goin' order, not a month out o' Kiel +dockyard--'ome to a port as I'm not at liberty to mention." + +"But 'ow?" began the baker. + +"I thought as I'd made it middlin' plain," said Bill severely, "but +seein' as some folks wants winders lettin' into their 'eads I suppose +I'd better make it plainer. I daresay you've 'eard as they're very +short o' sweet-stuff in Germany." + +"I 'ave," said the baker triumphantly, "I read it in my paper." + +"Well," said Bill, "there was a wind settin' good and strong from us +towards the submarine, an' when one of 'em as 'appened to be takin' +the air at the time got a sniff of us 'e just couldn't leave off +sniffin'. Then 'e passed the word down to the others, an' the hodour +of the peppermints was that powerful it knocked 'em all of a 'eap, the +same as food on an empty stummnick. See? That's the real reason o' the +sugar shortage. There's 'arf-a-dozen factories workin' night an' day +on Admiralty contracts, turnin' out nothin' at all only peppermint +'umbugs. + +"Simple, ain't it?" Bill concluded, as he paid for his beer and +reached for his bundle. "Anyway, it does as well as anything else to +tell a lot o' folks as can't let a decent sailorman spend 'is bit o' +leaf in peace an' quietness without tryin' to get to know what 'e's +got no business to tell 'em nor them to find out." + + * * * * * + + "Concrete holds its own in the construction of our houses, our + public buildings, our brides...."--_New Zealand Paper_. + +This ought to cement the affections. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMMON IDEALS. + +BRITISH FOOD PROFITEER (_to German ditto_). "ALAS! MY POOR BROTHER. +YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN ENGLISHMAN. ENGLAND IS A FREE COUNTRY." + +[The Berlin _Vossische Zeitung_ states that about four thousand cases +of profiteering are dealt with monthly in Germany.]] + + * * * * * + +THE FUNERAL OF M. DE BLANCHET. + +"Never let your husband have a grievance," said Madame Marcot, +stirring the lump of sugar that she had brought with her to put into +her cup of tea. "It destroys the happiness of the most admirable +households. Have you heard of the distressing case of the de +Blanchets--Victor de Blanchet and his wife?" + +We had not. + +"Very dear friends of mine," said Madame Marcot vivaciously, delighted +at the chance of an uninterrupted innings, "and belonging to a family +of the most distinguished. They were a truly devoted couple, and had +never been apart during the whole of their married life. As for +him, he was an excellent fellow. If he had a fault, it was only that +perhaps he was a little near; but still, a good fault, is it not? When +he was called to the Front his wife was desolated, simply desolated. +And then, poor M. de Blanchet--_not_ the figure for a soldier--of a +rotundity, Mesdames!" And Madame Marcot lifted her eyes heavenwards, +struck speechless for a moment at the thought of M. de Blanchet's +outline. "However, like all good Frenchmen, he made no fuss, but went +off to do his duty. He wrote to his wife every day, and she wrote to +him. + +"All at once his letters ceased, and then, after a long delay, came +the official notice, 'Missing.' Imagine the suspense, the anxiety! For +weeks she continued to hope against hope, but at last she heard that +his body had been found. It had been recognised by the clothes, the +identity disc (or whatever you call it), and the stoutness, for, alas, +the unfortunate gentleman's head had been nearly blown away by a shell +and was quite unrecognisable. Poor Madame de Blanchet's grief was +terrible to witness when they brought her his sad clothing, with the +embroidered initials upon it worked by her own hand. One thing she +insisted on, and that was that his body should be buried at A----, in +the family vault of the de Blanchets, who, as I have said before, are +very distinguished people. "This meant endless red tape, as you may +imagine, and endless correspondence with the authorities, and delays +and vexations, but finally she got her wish, and the funeral was the +most magnificent ever witnessed in that part of the world. You should +have seen the '_faire part_,'" said Madame Marcot, alluding to the +black-bordered mourning intimations sent out in France, inscribed with +the names of every individual member of the family concerned, from the +greatest down to the most insignificant and obscure. "Several pages, I +assure you; and everybody came. The cortege was a mile long. M. l'Abbe +Colaix officiated; there was a full choral mass; and she got her +second cousin once removed, M. Aristide Gerant, who, as you know, +is Director of the College of Music at A----, to compose a requiem +specially for the occasion; and he did not do it for nothing, you may +believe me. In fine, a first-class funeral. But, as she said, when +some of her near relations, including her stepmother, who is not of +the most generous, remonstrated with her on the score of the expense, +'I would wish to honour my dear husband in death as I honoured him in +life.' + +"After it was all over she had a magnificent marble monument erected +over the tomb, recording all his virtues, and with a bas-relief of +herself (a very inaccurate representation, I am told, as it gave her +a Madonna-like appearance to which she can lay no claim in real life) +shedding tears upon his sarcophagus." + +Madame Marcot paused for breath, and, thinking the story finished, we +drifted in with appropriate comments. But we were soon cut short. + +"Ten months afterwards," continued the lady dramatically, "as Madame +de Blanchet, dressed of course in the deepest mourning, was making +strawberry jam in the kitchen and weeping over her sorrows, who should +walk in but Monsieur?" + +"What--her husband?" cried everybody. + +"The same," answered Madame Marcot. "He was a spectacle. He had lost +an arm; his clothing was in tatters, and he was as thin as a skeleton. +But it was Monsieur de Blanchet all the same." + +"What had happened?" we shrieked in chorus. + +"What has happened more than once in the course of this War. He had +been taken prisoner, had been unable to communicate and at last, after +many marvellous adventures, had succeeded in escaping." + +"But the other?" we cried. + +"Ah, now we come to the really desolating part of the affair," said +Madame Marcot. "The corpse in M. de Blanchets clothing, what was he +but a villainous Boche--stout, as is the way of these messieurs--who +had appropriated the clothes of the unfortunate prisoner, uniform, +badges, disc and all, in order, no doubt, to get into our lines and +play the spy. Happily a shell put an end to his activities; but by the +grossest piece of ill-luck it made him completely unrecognisable, so +that Madame de Blanchet, as well as the officers who identified him, +were naturally led into the mistake of thinking him a good Frenchman, +fallen in the exercise of his duty." + +"What happiness to see him back!" I remarked. + +"I believe you," said Madame Marcot, "and touching was the joy of M. +de Blanchet too, until he observed her mourning. He was then inclined +to be slightly hurt at her taking his death so readily for granted. +However, she soon explained the case; but, when he heard that a +nameless member of the unspeakable race was occupying the place in the +family vault that he had been reserving for himself for years past at +considerable cost, he became exceedingly annoyed; and when, through +the medium of his relations, he learned of the first-class funeral, +and of the oak coffin studded with silver, and the expensive full +choral mass, and the requiem specially written for the occasion, and +the marble monument, his wrath was such that in pre-war days, +and before he had undergone the reducing influence of the German +hunger-diet, he would certainly have had an apoplectic seizure. To a +man of his economical turn of mind it was naturally enraging. But the +thing that put the climax on his exasperation was the bas-relief of +his wife, 'ridiculously svelte' as he remarked, shedding tears over +the ashes of a wretched Boche. + +"The situation for him and for the family generally," concluded +Madame Marcot, "is, as you will readily conceive, one of extreme +unpleasantness and delicacy. The cost of exhuming the Hun, after the +really outrageous expense of his interment, is one that a thrifty man +like M. de Blanchet must naturally shrink from; indeed he assures me +that his pocket simply does not permit of it. + +"In the meantime he can never go to lay a wreath upon the tombs of his +sainted father and mother, or pass through the cemetery on his way to +mass (he is a good Catholic), without being reminded of the miserable +interloper and all the circumstances of his magnificent first-class +funeral. Hence he is a man with a grievance--an undying grievance, +I may say--for he is practically certain to have a ghost hereafter +haunting the spot that ought to be its resting-place but isn't. Still, +it is _chic_ to have a ghost in the family. The de Blanchets will be +more distinguished than ever." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. PODDISH?" + +"FINE, THANKEE. THEY'VE MADE 'IM A COLONEL." + +"OH, COME----" + +"CAPTAIN, THEN." + +"GO ON. YOU MEAN CORPORAL, P'RAPS." + +"WELL, 'AVE IT THAT WAY IF YOU LIKE. I KNOW IT BEGAN WITH A 'K.'"] + + * * * * * + +LIFTING AND UPLIFTING. + +Our Canadian contemporary, _Jack Canuck_, publishes a protest against +the invasion of Canada by British temperance reformers, whom it +describes as "uplifters." Immediately below this protest it produces a +picture from _Punch_, lifted without any acknowledgment of its origin. + + * * * * * + + "On Sunday one British pilot, flying at 1,000 ft., saw four + hostile craft at about 5,000 ft., and dived more than a mile + directly at them. As he whirled past the nearest machine he + opened fire, and saw the observer crumple up in the fusselage + as the pilot put the machine into a steep live."--_Dally + Sketch_. + + While confessing ignorance as to the exact nature of a "live," + we are sure it is not as steep as the rest of the story. + + * * * * * + +A MUSCULAR CHRISTIAN. + + "Vicar, Compton Dando, Bristol, would Let two Fields, or few + Yearlings could run with him."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Time 1940._ + +"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT WAR, GRANDPA?" "WHAT DID I DO, MY LAD? I +HELPED TO RELIEVE MAFEKING."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUSINGS OF MARCUS MULL. + +(_IN THE MANNER OF AN ILLUSTRIOUS MENTOR_.) + +I. + +I noted in last week's issue the persistence of the strange story that +Mr. GLADSTONE, in his wrath at his reduced majority in Midlothian, +broke chairs when the news arrived. I was careful to add that, as the +result of searching investigation, I was in a position to state that +Mr. GLADSTONE never did any such thing. Still I cannot altogether +regret having alluded to the story in view of the interesting letters +on the subject which have reached me from a number of esteemed +correspondents. + + +II. + +As an eminent Dundonian divine, who wishes to remain anonymous, +remarks, it is a melancholy fact that men of genius have often been +prone to violent ebullitions of temper. He recalls the sad case of +MILTON, who, while he was dictating his _Areopagitica_, threw +an ink-horn at his daughter, "to the complete denigration of her +habiliments," as he himself described it. Yet MILTON was a man of +high character and replete with moral uplift. I remember that my old +master, Professor Cawker of Aberdeen, once told me that as a child +he was liable to fits of freakishness, in one of which he secreted +himself under the table during a dinner-party at his father's house +and sewed the dresses of the ladies together. The result, when they +rose to leave the room, was disastrous in the extreme. But Professor +Cawker, as I need hardly remind my readers, was a genial and +noble-hearted man. I presented him on his marriage with a set of +garnet studs. Ever after when I dined at his house he wore them. +Nothing was ever said between us, but we both knew, and I shall never +forget. + + +III. + +My old friend, Lemmens Porter, whose name I deeply regret not to +have read in the Honours List, reminds me of the painful story of +SWINBURNE, who, in a fit of temper, hurled two poached eggs at GEORGE +MEREDITH for speaking disrespectfully of VICTOR HUGO. The incident is +suppressed in Mr. GOSSE'S tactful life, but Mr. Porter had it direct +from MEREDITH, whose bath-chair he frequently pulled at Dorking. +SWINBURNE was, I regret to say, pagan in his views, but, unlike some +pagans, he was incapable of adhering to the golden mean. ARISTOTLE, +I feel certain, would never have condescended to the use of such a +missile, and it is beyond "imagination's widest stretch" to picture, +say, the late Dr. JOSEPH COOK, of Boston, the present Lord ABERDEEN, +or the Rev. Dr. Donald McGuffin acting in such a wild and tempestuous +manner. + + +IV. + +Still we must admit the existence of high temper even in men of high +souls, high aims and high achievements. Everyone may improve his +temper. We cannot all emulate the patience of JOB, but we can at least +set before us the noble example of Professor Cawker, who redeemed +the angular exuberance of his youth by the mellow and mollifying +kindliness of his maturity. Even if Mr. GLADSTONE _did_ break chairs, +we should not lightly condemn him. You cannot make omelettes without +breaking eggs. Besides, chairs cannot retaliate. + +MARCUS MULL. + + * * * * * + +A CYNICAL HEADLINE. + + "NEW BRITISH BLOW.--BIRTHDAY HONOURS LIST."--_Daily Mirror_. + +We congratulate our contemporary on its terseness. _The Times_ took +nearly a column to say the same thing. + + * * * * * + + +BALLADE OF INCIPIENT LUNACY. + +_Scene_.--A Battalion "Orderly" Room in France during a period of +"Rest." Runners arrive breathlessly from all directions bearing +illegible chits, and tear off in the same directions with illegible +answers or no answer at all. Motor-bicycles snort up to the door and +arrogant despatch-riders enter with enormous envelopes containing +leagues of correspondence, orders, minutes, circulars, maps, signals, +lists, schedules, summaries and all sorts. The tables are stacked with +papers; the floor is littered with papers; papers fly through the +air. Two type-writers click with maddening insistence in one corner. +A signaller buzzes tenaciously at the telephone, talking in a strange +language apparently to himself, as he never seems to be connected +with anyone else. A stream of miscellaneous persons--quarter-masters, +chaplains, generals, batmen, D.A.D.O.S.'s, sergeant-majors, +staff-officers, buglers, Maires, officers just arriving, officers +just going away, gas experts, bombing experts, interpreters, +doctors--drifts in, wastes time, and drifts out again. + +Clerks scribble ceaselessly, rolls and nominal rolls, nominal +lists and lists. By the time they have finished one list it is long +out-of-date. Then they start the next. Everything happens at the same +time; nobody has time to finish a sentence. Only a military mind, +with a very limited descriptive vocabulary and a chronic habit of +self-deception, would call the place orderly. + +The Adjutant speaks, hoarsely; while he speaks he writes about +something quite different. In the middle of each sentence his pipe +goes out; at the end of each sentence he lights a match. He may or may +not light his pipe; anyhow he speaks:-- + + "Where is that list of Wesleyans I made? + And what are all those people on the stair? + Is that my pencil? Well, they _can't_ be paid. + Tell the Marines we have no forms to spare. + I cannot get these Ration States to square. + The Brigadier is coming round, they say. + The Colonel wants a man to cut his hair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "These silly questions! I shall tell Brigade + This office is now closing for repair. + They want to know what Mr. Johnstone weighed, + And if the Armourer is dark, or fair? + I do not know; I cannot say I care. + Tell that Interpreter to go away. + Where is my signal-pad? I left it there. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + "Perhaps I should appear upon parade. + Where is my pencil? Ring up Captain Eyre; + Say I regret our tools have been mislaid. + These companies would make Sir DOUGLAS swear. + A is the worst. Oh, damn, is this the _Maire?_ + I'm sorry, Monsieur--_je suis desole_-- + But no one's pinched your miserable chair. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day. + + ENVOI. + + "Prince, I perceive what CAIN'S temptations were, + And how attractive it must be to slay. + O Lord, the General! This is hard to bear. + I think I _must_ be going mad to-day." + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +If there is one man in France whom I do not envy it is the G.H.Q. +Weather Prophet. I can picture the unfortunate wizard sitting in his +bureau, gazing into a crystal, _Old Moore's Almanack_ in one hand, a +piece of seaweed in the other, trying to guess what tricks the weather +will be up to next. + +For there is nothing this climate cannot do. As a quick-change artist +it stands _sanspareil_ (French) and _nulli secundus_ (Latin). + +And now it seems to have mislaid the Spring altogether. Summer has +come at one stride. Yesterday the staff-cars smothered one with mud +as they whirled past; to-day they choke one with dust. Yesterday the +authorities were issuing precautions against frostbite; to-day they +are issuing precautions against sunstroke. Nevertheless we are not +complaining. It will take a lot of sunshine to kill us; we like it, +and we don't mind saying so. + +The B.E.F. has cast from it its mitts and jerkins and whale-oil, +emerged from its subterranean burrows into the open, and in every wood +a mushroom town of bivouacs has sprung up over-night. Here and there +amateur gardeners have planted flower-beds before their tents; one of +my corporals is nursing some radishes in an ammunition-box and talks +crop prospects by the hour. My troop-sergeant found two palm-plants in +the ruins of a chateau glass-house, and now has them standing sentry +at his bivouac entrance. He sits between them after evening stables, +smoking his pipe and fancying himself back in Zanzibar; he expects the +coker-nuts along about August, he tells me. + +Summer has come, and on every slope graze herds of winter-worn +gun-horses and transport mules. The new grass has gone to the heads +of the latter and they make continuous exhibitions of themselves, +gambolling about like ungainly lambkins and roaring with unholy +laughter. Summer has come, and my groom and countryman has started to +whistle again, sure sign that Winter is over, for it is only during +the Summer that he reconciles himself to the War. War, he admits, +serves very well as a light gentlemanly diversion for the idle months, +but with the first yellow leaf he grows restless and hints indirectly +that both ourselves and the horses would be much better employed in +the really serious business of showing the little foxes some sport +back in our own green isle. "That Paddy," says he, slapping the bay +with a hay wisp, "he wishes he was back in the county Kildare, he does +so, the dear knows. Pegeen, too, if she would be hearin' the houn's +shoutin' out on her from the kennels beyond in Jigginstown she'd dhrop +down dead wid the pleasure wid'in her, an' that's the thrue word," +says he, presenting the chestnut lady with a grimy army biscuit. "Och +musha, the poor foolish cratures," he says and sighs. + +However, Summer has arrived, and by the sound of his cheery whistle at +early stables shrilling "Flannigan's Wedding," I understand that the +horses are settling down once more and we can proceed with the battle. + +If my groom and countryman is not an advocate of war as a winter sport +our Mr. MacTavish, on the other hand, is of the directly opposite +opinion. "War," he murmured dreamily to me yesterday as we lay on our +backs beneath a spreading parasol of apple-blossom and watched our +troop-horses making pigs of themselves in the young clover--"war! +don't mention the word to me. Maidenhead, Canader, cushions, +cigarettes, only girl in the world doing all the heavy +paddle-work--that's the game in the good ole summertime. Call round +again about October and I'll attend to your old war." It is fortunate +that these gentlemen do not adorn any higher positions than those of +private soldier and second-lieutenant, else, between them, they would +stop the War altogether and we should all be out of jobs. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "---- & Co. + + The Leading Jewellery House. + Grand Assortment of Cut Glass." + _Advt. in Chinese Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD PROBLEM. + +THE SOCIETY FOR THE DISCOVERY OF NEW WAR FOODS TEST THEIR LATEST +DISH.] + + * * * * * + +PICCADILLY. + + _Gay shops, stately palaces, bustle and breeze,_ + _The whirring of wheels and the murmur of trees;_ + _By night or by day, whether noisy or stilly,_ + _Whatever my mood is--I love Piccadilly._ + + Thus carolled FRED LOCKER, just sixty years back, + In a year ('57) when the outlook was black, + And even to-day the war-weariest Willie + Recovers his spirits in dear Piccadilly. + + We haven't the belles with their Gainsborough hats, + Or the Regency bucks with their wondrous cravats, + But now that the weather no longer is chilly; + There's much to enchant us in New Piccadilly. + + As I sit in my club and partake of my "ration" + No longer I'm vexed by the follies of fashion; + The dandified Johnnies so precious and silly-- + You seek them in vain in the New Piccadilly. + + The men are alert and upstanding and fit, + They've most of them done or they're doing their bit; + With the eye of a hawk and the stride of a gillie + They add a new lustre to Old Piccadilly. + + And the crippled but gay-hearted heroes in blue + Are a far finer product than wicked "old Q," + Who ought to have lived in a prison on skilly + Instead of a palace in mid Piccadilly. + + The women are splendid, so quiet and strong, + As with resolute purpose they hurry along-- + Excepting the flappers, who chatter as shrilly + As parrots let loose to distract Piccadilly. + + Thus I muse as I watch with a reverent eye + The New Generation sweep steadily by, + And judge him an ass or a born Silly Billy + Who'd barter the New for the Old Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +A CLEARANCE. + + "WANTED.--Lady shortly leaving the Colony is desirous of + recommending her baby and wash Amahs, also Houseboy."--_South + China Morning Post_. + + * * * * * + + "Though the King's birthday was officially celebrated + yesterday, there were no official celebrations."--_Daily + Express_. + +It seems to have been a case of unconscious celebration. + + * * * * * + + "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when they + come; but do not call them 'Yankees.' They none of them like + it."--_Daily News_. + +As a term of distinction and endearment Mr. Punch suggests +"Sammies"--after their uncle. + + * * * * * + + "Petrograd. + + The local Committee of the Soldiers' and Workmen's Delegates + announces that it will take into its hands effective power + at Cronstadt. and that it will not recognise the Provisional + Government, and will remove all Government representatives. + + This fateful decision was adopted by 21 votes to 40, with + eight abstentions."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The trouble in Russia just now is the tyranny of the minority. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WORD OF ILL OMEN. + +CROWN PRINCE (_to KAISER, drafting his next speech_). "FOR GOTT'S +SAKE, FATHER, BE CAREFUL THIS TIME, AND DON'T CALL THE AMERICAN ARMY +'CONTEMPTIBLE.'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, June 5th_.--In listless and dejected mood the House +of Commons reassembled after its all-too-brief recess. Members +collectively missed their MARK, for Colonel LOCKWOOD, the only popular +Food Controller in history, had been summoned upstairs and left the +Kitchen Committee to its fate. The shower of Privy Councillorships, +baronetcies and knighthoods which had simultaneously descended upon +the faithful Commons afforded little compensation for this irreparable +loss; and even the sight of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S immaculate spats +appearing over the edge of the Table was insufficient to dispel the +prevailing gloom. + +Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING made a gallant effort to galvanize his +colleagues into life. Remembering that it was an air-raid that got +him into the House--some people will never forgive the Germans for +this--he seldom allows a similar incident to pass without endeavouring +to improve the occasion. As his policy of "two bombs to one" failed to +intrigue Mr. BONAR LAW he sought to move the adjournment, but when the +Question was put only five Members, instead of the necessary forty, +rose in its support. + +If Sir H. DALZIEL has his way, and the consumer is allowed to purchase +his sugar unrefined, the British breakfast will become a most exciting +meal. Lice, beetles and, on one occasion, a live lizard have been +found in the bags arriving from Cuba. Even with meat at its present +price, Captain BATHURST doubts whether such additions to our dietary +would be really welcome. + +In the pre-historic times before August, 1914, the POSTMASTER-GENERAL +was wont to give on the Vote for his department a long and discursive +account of its multifarious activities, and to enliven the figures +with anecdotes and even with jokes. Mr. ILLINGWORTH knows a better +way. With deliberate monotony he reeled off his statistics to a +steadily diminishing audience. Only once did he evoke a sign of +animation. He has abolished the absurd rule that the person presenting +a five-pound note at a post-office should be required to endorse it; +and, in defending this momentous change, he remarked that he himself +had endorsed many such notes, "but never with my own name." For a +moment Members were startled by this cynical admission of something +which seemed to their half-awakened intelligence very like a +confession of forgery. But the POSTMASTER-GENERAL soon put them to +sleep again, and by nine o'clock had got his vote safely through. + +[Illustration: COLONEL LOCKWOOD'S FAREWELL TO THE KITCHEN ON HIS +ELEVATION TO THE UPPER HOUSE.] + +_Wednesday, June 6th_.--Nothing short of a revolution, it was +supposed, would cause Whitehall to empty its precious pigeon-holes, +in which so many millions of pious aspirations and abortive complaints +sleep their last sleep. But the War has penetrated even here, and Mr. +BALDWIN was able to announce, with a cheerfulness that some of the +older officials probably regard as almost indecent, that already a +vast quantity of material has gone to the pulping-mill. + +[Illustration: _Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL_ (_with eye on the Air Board_). +"ANY UNIFORM SUITS ME, THANK YOU."] + +In the course of the debate on the Representation of the People Bill, +Sir FREDERICK BANBURY explained that he resigned his membership of +the SPEAKER'S Conference because he found that he and his party were +expected to give up everything and to get nothing in return. If so +the Liberals on the Conference were very short-sighted, for a little +concession then would have saved them a lot of trouble now. What Sir +FREDERICK does not know about the art of Parliamentary obstruction is +not worth knowing, and he evidently means to use his knowledge for +all it is worth. He even succeeded--a rare triumph--in drafting an +instruction to the Committee which passed the SPEAKER'S scrutiny +and took a good hour to debate. In vain Sir GEORGE CAVE and Mr. LONG +reminded the House that it had already approved the main principles of +the Bill. You can't ride a cock-horse when BANBURY'S cross. + +Another old hand at the game is Lord HUGH CECIL. His particular +grievance against the Bill is, I fancy, that it alters the character +of his constituency, and, should it pass, will oblige him to appeal +for the votes of callow young Bachelors with horrid Radical notions +instead of being able to repose in confidence upon the support of +a solid phalanx of clerical M.A.'s. He possesses also an hereditary +antipathy to extensions of the franchise. Lord CLAUD HAMILTON must +have thought himself back in 1867, listening to Lord CRANBORNE +attacking the Reform Bill wherewith DIZZY dished the Whigs. Lord HUGH, +like his father, is a master of gibes and flouts and jeers, and used +most of the weapons from a well-stocked armoury in an endeavour to +drill a fatal hole in the Bill. + +At one moment he chaffed the HOME SECRETARY for seeking to turn the +House into a Trappist monastery, where Ministers alone might talk +and Members must obey; at the next he was reminding the House, on a +proposal to raise the age of voters, that a great many of the persons +who took part in the massacre of St. Bartholomew were under twenty-two +years of age. But though Members listened and laughed they refused, +for the most part, to vote with him. The Bill came almost unscathed +through the first day of its ordeal in Committee. + +_Thursday, June 7th_.--If all the hundred and sixty-eight Questions +on the Order Paper had been fully answered the German Government would +have learned quite a number of things that it is most anxious to know, +for the Pacifist group were full of curiosity regarding the war-aims +of the Allies. Several of the most searching inquiries had to be +met by such discouraging _formulae_ as "I have nothing to add to my +previous reply," or "The matter is still under consideration." + +Mr. SNOWDEN, however, learned from the HOME SECRETARY that the +Government, the House and the Country were in full sympathy with +the war-policy laid down by the French Government, and that we were +prepared to go on fighting until it was achieved. Here is something +for his colleagues to tell the Stockholm Conference, if they can get +there. + +For some occult reason the word "cheese" always excites Parliamentary +merriment. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS'S announcement that the Board of Trade +had made arrangements by which a quantity of this commodity would +be available for public use next week was greeted with the customary +laughter. Upon Army requirements, he added, would depend the quantity +to be "released." Colonel YATE was perturbed by this Gorgonzolaesque +phrase, and anxiously inquired to what species of cheese it referred. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMFORTER. + +_Lance-Corporal_ (_in charge of footsore Tommy who has fallen out on +the march_). "YOU'VE NOTHING TO GROUSE ABOUT. YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR +OWN BACK FROM THE GOVERNMENT. AIN'T YOU WEARIN' OUT THEIR BLINKIN' +BOOTS?"] + + * * * * * + +CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY. + +III. + +(_Private Whidden, who ate his Iron Rations and came to an untimely +end_.) + + Private Tom Whidden had a passion + For eating of his iron ration-- + A thing, you know, which isn't _done_ + (Except, just now and then, for fun), + Because there is a rule about it + And decent people rarely flout it. + But Tom was greedy and each day + He'd put a tin or two away, + Though duty told him, clear and plain, + To keep them safe as brewers' grain, + For eating _as a last resort_ + When eatables were running short. + His Corporal said, "My lad, don't do it!" + His Sergeant groaned, "I'm _sure_ you'll rue it!" + But still he never stopped. At last + His Captain heard and stood aghast.... + Then he said sternly, "Private Whidden, + Really, you know, this is forbidden. + Some day, Sir, if you _will_ devour + Your ration thus from hour to hour, + You'll find yourself in No Man's Land + With neither bite nor sup at hand. + Yes, when it _is_ your proper fare, + Your iron ration won't be there; + Then in your hour of bitter need + You will be sorry for your greed." + + He ceased. But Private Thomas Whidden, + Being thus seriously chidden, + Said simply (with a Devon burr), + "Law bless us! do 'ee zay zo, Zur?" + Then with an uncontrolled passion + He went and ate his iron ration. + + So, since he chose, from day to-day, + Persistently to disobey, + As you'd expect, the man is dead, + Though not the way his Captain said. + The fate of starving out of hand, + Or nearly so, in No Man's Land-- + Alas! it never came in question. + He died of chronic indigestion. + + * * * * * + +WITH OR WITHOUT A MEDIUM. + + "William Henry Gadd, said to have left Middlesex in 1812 for + South America, or anyone acquainted with his whereabouts, + will oblige by communicating at first opportunity with H.M. + Consul-General, 25 de Mayo 611, this city."--_The Standard_ + (_Buenos Aires_). + + * * * * * + +A correspondent informs us that the male gasworker is familiarly known +as "Cokey," and asks us whether the ladies who have recently entered +the business ought to be described as "Cokettes." We think it very +probable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_interrupting carousal in Bosch +dug-out_). "TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GOD-MAKERS. + +The financial success of Mr. H.G. WELLS' punctuality and enterprise +in looking into the vexed question of the Deity, even in war time, has +had the usual effect, and many literary men are feverishly pursuing +similar studies. In due course some of these will no doubt take +practical shape. Meanwhile it has seemed desirable for a _Punch_ man +to make a few inquiries among our leading philosophers and readers of +the future with regard to the same engrossing topic. For England will +ever be the wonder and despair of other nations in its capacity, +no matter with what seriousness its hands are filled, for pursuing +controversial distractions. + +To run Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT to earth was no easy matter, for in these +days he is behind every scene, and no statesman, however new, can +get along without his counsel or correction. But, since to the +good _Punch_ man difficulties exist only as obstacles of which the +circumvention acts as intellectual cocktails or stimuli, the task was +accomplished. Mr. BENNETT agreed that the book of the other famous +Essex fictionist was a meritorious and ingenious work, but he found it +far from exhaustive. The idea of God, he held, still needed handling +in a capable efficient way. What was wrong with religion was, he said, +its mystery; if only it could be pruned of nonsense and made +practical for the man in the street, it might become really useful. He +personally had not yet thought finally on the subject of God, having +just now more tasks on hand (including a new play and universal +supervision) than he could count on the Five Fingers, but directly he +had time he meant to attend to the matter and polish it off. It was a +case where his intervention was clearly called for, since omniscience +could be handled only by omniscience. + +The _Punch_ man has, however, to admit himself beaten in the matter +of Sir OLIVER LODGE. On inquiring at Birmingham University he was told +that the illustrious Principal was absent, no one knew where, but it +was believed that he was visiting the higher slopes of Mount Sinai. +All that the _Punch_ man could obtain was one of the black velvet +skull-caps which the seer wears, but, as it refused to give up any of +its secrets, he must confess to failure--at any rate until Sir OLIVER +returns. + +Being in Brummagem (as it has been wittily called), the _Punch_ man +bethought him of the Rev. R.J. CAMPBELL, once the very darling of the +new gods--in fact the arch neo-theologian. But Mr. CAMPBELL, erstwhile +so articulate and confident, had nothing to say. All he could do was +to lock himself for safety in his church and look through the keyhole +with his beautiful troubled wistful orbs. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON loomed up to a dizzy height amid a cloud of new +witnesses. Greeting the _Punch_ man, he laid aside his proofs. + +"I was just deleting the abusive epithet 'Lloyd' from all the +references to the PREMIER," he said, "but I have a moment for you. +I find a moment sufficient time for the assumption of any conviction +however lifelong." + +The _Punch_ man asked if he had read the Dunmow evangel. + +"I have read Mr. WELLS'S book, _God, the Invisible Man_, with the +greatest interest," said Mr. CHESTERTON. + +The _Punch_ man ventured to correct him. "_God, the Invisible King_," +he interposed. + +"Very likely," replied the anti-Marconi Colossus. "But what's in a +title anyway? Books should not have titles at all, but be numbered, +like a composer's operas, Op. 1, Op. 2, and so on." + +"Whether or not the opping comes, some of them," said the _Punch_ man, +"are certain to be skipped." + +The giant was visibly annoyed. "You're not playing the game," he +said. "It's I who ought to have said that. Not you. You're only the +interviewer. You'd better give it to me anyway." + +"And what," the _Punch_ man asked, "are your views respecting God?" + +"I consider," he said instantly, "that an honest god's the noblest +work of man." + +"I felt sure you would," the _Punch_ man replied. "In fact, I had a +bet on it." + +The Rev. Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, Editor of _The British Weekly_, +said that for many years his paper had supported Providence, to, he +believed, their mutual advantage, and it would continue to do so. +He personally recognised no need for change. Still, no one welcomed +honest analysis more warmly than himself, and he had read Mr. WELLS'S +masterpiece with all his habitual avidity and delight. + +The _Punch_ man, passing on to the office of _The Times_, craved +permission to see the Editor, through smoked glass if necessary. +Having complied with a thousand formalities he was at last ushered +into the presence. The great man was engaged in selecting the various +types in which to-morrow's letters were to be set up--big for the +whales and minion for the minnows. "I can give you just two minutes," +he said, without looking up. "These are strenuous ti----, I should +say days. Self-advertisement we leave to the lower branches of the +family." + +"All I want to know," said the _Punch_ man, "is what is your idea +of God? The feeling is very general that God should be more clearly +defined and, if possible, personified. One of your own Republican +correspondents, who not only got large type but a nasty leader, has +said so. How do you yourself view Him?" + +"I have a god of my own," said the Editor, watch in hand, "and I see +him very distinctly. Powerfully built, with a boyish face and a wealth +of fairish hair over one side of the noble brow. Aloof but vigilant. +Restive but determined. Quick to praise but quicker to blame. +Adaptive, volcanic, relentless and terribly immanent--terribly. +That is my god. A king, no doubt, but"--here he sighed--"by no means +invisible. Good day." + +Nothing but the absence of Mr. FRANK HARRIS in what is not only his +spiritual but his actual home, America, prevents the publication of +his definitive and epoch-making views on this suggestive theme. + +Meanwhile things go on much as usual. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_superintending party that is trying to +extinguish a fire at French farm_). "GOOD HEAVENS, CORPORAL, WHAT ARE +YOU DOING UP THERE?" + +_Irish Corporal_. "I'M WATCHIN' THE STRAW DOESN'T CATCH A-FIRE, SOR." + +_Officer_. "WELL, TAKE CARE. IS IT AN EASY PLACE TO GET OUT OF?" + +_Corporal_. "IT IS THAT. YOU MIGHT GO THROUGH THE FLOOR ANNYWHERE, +SOR."] + + * * * * * + +MORE SUBSTITUTION. + +From a Stores circular:-- + + "Members who like a very delicately Smoked Bacon or Ham will + appreciate the valuable new line recently added to our Stock, + namely;-- + + ---- MILD CURED SALMON." + + * * * * * + + "From Switzerland comes a report of a noiseless machine gun, + operated by electricity."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +Another invention gone wrong. + + * * * * * + +NEW LIGHTS ON ANCIENT HISTORY. + + "Senor Aladro Castriota, the wealthy wine merchant of + Xerxes."--_Daily News_. + +HERODOTUS omits this detail. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ---- thoroughly recommends her Russian Nursery + Governess; speaks fluent French, German; will answer any + question."--_Daily Paper_. + +There are a lot of questions we should like to ask her about Russia. + + * * * * * + + "The jury found the prisoner guilty of man-slaughter, and was + sentenced to 18 months' hard labour."--_Provincial Paper_. + +No wonder there is a scarcity of jurymen. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"SHEILA." + +_Mark Holdsworth_, a bachelor of middle age, is bored with commercial +success and seeks a diversion. He would like to have a son. And his +attractive typist, _Sheila_, strikes his fancy as a suitable medium. +On her side the girl (obviously recognisable by her innocence as a +pre-war flapper) is sick of drudgery, longs very simply for the joys +of life, as she imagines them, meaning freedom and pretty dresses +and money to spend and piles of invitation cards, and so forth. His +proposal of marriage, practically the first word he has ever said +to her outside their business relations, seems to her too good to be +true. There is no question of a grand passion, not even a question of +every-day romance. It is just a fair exchange, though she is too young +to appreciate the man's motives and is content with the pride of being +his choice and the prospects of the wonderful life that opens before +her. + +Three months later (they are married and in their different ways have +grown to care for one another) we find her discontented. Her social +blunders and the attitude of his people have set her on edge, and +we are further to understand that she is not very responsive to the +strength of his feelings for her. A bad shock comes when she hears, +through a jealous woman-friend of his bachelor days, that he has +married her for the sake of a son. This poisons for her the memory of +their first union and she refuses to be his wife again. + +An old obligation, entered into before his marriage, compels him to +go abroad on business where she cannot accompany him. He does not +know that she is to have a child, and in his absence she keeps the +knowledge from him. Her boy is born and dies. The news, reaching +_Holdsworth_ through a brother, brings him home, and husband and wife +are reconciled. Such is the plot, told crudely enough. + +Now, if Miss SOWERBY meant deliberately to create a woman who does +not really know what she wants--a creature of moods without assignable +motives--then I am not ashamed of failing to understand her _Sheila_, +since her _Sheila_ did not understand herself. But if she is designed +to illustrate the eternal feminine (always supposing that there is +such a thing) then I protest that her chief claim to be representative +of her sex is her unreasonableness. Of course I should never pretend +to say of a woman in drama or fiction that she has not been drawn true +to nature. To know one man is, in most essentials, to know all men; +to know fifty women (though this may be a liberal education) does +not advance you very far in knowledge of a sex that has never been +standardized. + +When we first meet _Sheila_ her idea of happiness is to spend an +evening (innocent of escort) at the picture-palace; take this from +her and her heart threatens to break. Three short months and she has +developed to the point of breaking off relations with a husband +who has given her all the picture-palaces she wanted, but has also +committed the unpardonable indecency of marrying her with the object +of getting a son! + +[Illustration: THE VICE OF INCONSTANCY. + +_Sheila_. "BEFORE YOU MARRIED ME YOU WEREN'T NEARLY SO NICE TO ME. +IT'S HORRID OF YOU TO CHANGE." + +_Mark Holdsworth_.. MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Sheila_........... MISS FAY COMPTON.] + +Here, if she approves the attitude of her heroine, I am tempted to +argue, in my dull way, with the charming author of _Sheila_. You must +always remember that there was no love--not even courtship--before +this betrothal. The girl was swept off her feet by the honour done to +her and by the chance of seeing "life" as she had never hoped to +see it. The man, on his side, wanted a son. Was his object so very +contemptible in comparison with hers? Women marry by the myriad for +the mere sake of having children, and nobody blames them. Indeed, we +call it, very reverentially, the maternal instinct. Well, what is the +matter with the paternal instinct? + +However, I am not going to set my opinion up against Miss SOWERBY'S. +Where I can follow her I find so much clear insight and observation +that I must needs have faith in her good judgment where I cannot +understand. This arrangement still leaves me free to prefer her in +her less serious moments. Here she is irresistible with that delicate +humour of hers that is always in the picture and never has to resort +to the device of manufactured epigram. There is true artistry in her +lightest touch. Her people are not galvanised puppets; they simply +draw their breath and there they are. And she has the particular +quality of charm that makes you yield your heart to her, even when +your head remains your own. + +How much she owes to Miss FAY COMPTON'S interpretation of _Sheila_ +she would be the first to make generous acknowledgment. It was an +astonishingly sensitive performance. Miss COMPTON can be eloquent with +a single word or none at all. By a turn of her eyes or lips she can +make you free of her inarticulate thoughts. I must go again just to +hear her say "Yes," and give that sigh of content at the end of the +First Act. + +Mr. AUBREY SMITH as _Mark Holdsworth_ had a much easier task, and +did it with his habitual ease. Mr. WILLIAM FARREN--a very welcome +return--was perfect as ever in a good grumpy part. It was strange +to see the gentle Miss STELLA CAMPBELL playing the unsympathetic +character of a jealous and rather cruel woman; but she took to it +quite kindly. Mr. LANCE LISTER, as the boy _Geoffrey_, who kept +intervening in the most sportsmanlike way on the weaker side and +adjusting some very awkward complications with the gayest and most +resolute tact, was extraordinarily good. Admirable, too, were Miss +JOYCE CAREY as a shop-girl friend of _Sheila's_ boarding-house period, +and Mr. HENRY OSCAR as her "fate," whose line was shirts. The scene in +which these two encounter the superior relatives of _Sheila's_ husband +abounded in good fun, kept well within the limits of comedy. It was +a pure joy to hear _Miss Hooker's_ garrulous efforts to carry off the +situation with aggressive gentility; but even more fascinating was the +abashed silence of her young man, broken only when he blurted out the +word "shirts," and gave the show away. + +The whole cast was excellent, and Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER must be +felicitated on a very clever production. But it is to author and +heroine that I beg to offer the best of my gratitude for a most +refreshing evening. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "You will find that the men most likely to get off the note + are those who never really got on to it."--_Musical Times_. + +The real question is how those who never got on to the note contrive +to get off it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_reading paper_). "I SEE A BAKER'S BEEN FINED +TEN POUNDS FOR SELLING BREAD LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS OLD." + +_Alan_ (_who now goes to school by train_--_joining in_). "OH, THINK! +AND HE MIGHT HAVE PULLED THE CORD AND STOPPED THE TRAIN _TWICE_ FOR +THAT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +When I first read the title of _Secret Bread_ (HEINEMANN) my idea +was--well, what would anyone naturally think but that here was a +romance of food-hoarding, a tale of running the potato blockade and +the final discovery of a hidden cellar full of fresh rolls? But of +course I was quite wrong. The name has nothing to do with food, other +than mental; it stands for the sustaining idea (whatever it is) +that each one of us keeps locked in his heart as the motive of his +existence. With _Ishmael Ruan_, the hero of Miss F. TENNYSON JESSE'S +novel, this hidden motive was love of the old farm-house hall of +Cloom, and a wish to hand it on, richer, to his son. _Ishmael_ +inherited Cloom himself because, though the youngest of a large +family, he was the only one born in wedlock. Hence the second theme of +the story, the jealousy between _Ishmael_ and _Archelaus_, the elder +illegitimate brother. How, through the long lives of both, this +enmity is kept up, and the frightful vengeance that ends it, make an +absorbing and powerful story. The pictures of Cornish farm-life also +are admirably done--though I feel bound to repeat my conviction that +the time is at hand when, for their own interest, our novelists will +have to proclaim what one might call a close time for pilchards. +Still, Miss JESSE has written an unusually clever book, full of +vigour and passion, of which the interest never flags throughout the +five-hundred-odd closely-printed pages that carry its protagonists +from the early sixties almost to the present day. No small +achievement. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. SKRINE has collected some charming fragrant papers from various +distinguished sources concerning the ever-recurring phenomenon of +_The Devout Lady_ (CONSTABLE), in order to inspire one JOAN, a V.A.D. +heroine of the new order. I guess JOAN, of whom only a faint glimpse +is vouchsafed, must be a nice person--the author's affectionate +interest in her is sufficient proof of that. I suppose we all know +our Little Gidding out of SHORTHOUSE'S _John Inglesant_. Mrs. SKRINE +deprecates the Inglesantian view and offers us a stricter portrait of +MARY COLLET. "Madam" THORNTON, Yorkshire Royalist dame in the stormy +days of the Irish Rebellion and the Second JAMES'S flight to St. +Germain, is another portrait in the gallery; then there's PATTY MORE, +HANNAH'S less famous practical sister, of Barleywood and the Cheddar +Cliff collieries; and a modern great lady of a lowly cottage, in +receipt of an old-age pension and still alive in some dear corner of +England--the best sketch of the series, because drawn from life and +not from documents. If the author has a fault it is her detached +allusiveness, her flattering but mystifying assumption that one can +follow all her references, and her rather mannered idiom: "He proved a +kind husband, but sadly a tiresome." These, however, be trifles. Read +this pleasant book, I beg you, and send it on to your own Joan. + + * * * * * + +I have read with deep interest and appreciation and with a mournful +pleasure the _Letters of Arthur George Heath_ (BLACKWELL, Oxford). It +is the record, in a series of letters mostly written to his parents, +of the short fighting life of a singularly brave and devoted man. +There is in addition a beautiful memoir by Professor GILBERT MURRAY, +whose privilege it was to be ARTHUR HEATH'S friend. HEATH was not +vowed to fighting from his boyhood onward. He was a brilliant scholar +and afterwards a fellow of New College, Oxford. The photograph of him +shows a very delicate and refined face, and his letters bear out +the warrant of his face and prove that it was a true index to his +character. Until the great summons came one might have set him down +as destined to lead a quiet life amid the congenial surroundings of +Oxford, but we know now that the real stuff of him was strong and +stern. He joined the army a day or two after the outbreak of war, +being assured that our cause was just and one that deserved to be +fought for. He had no illusions as to the risk he ran, but that didn't +weigh with him for a moment. On July 11th, 1915, he writes to his +mother from the Western Front: "Will you at least try, if I am killed, +not to let the things I have loved cause you pain, but rather to get +increased enjoyment from the Sussex Downs or from Janie (his youngest +sister) singing Folk Songs, because I have found such joy in them, +and in that way the joy I have found can continue to live?" Beautiful +words these, and typical of the man who gave utterance to them. +The end came to him on October 8th, his twenty-eighth birthday. His +battalion of the Royal West Kent Regiment was engaged in making a +series of bombing attacks. In one of these ARTHUR HEATH was shot +through the neck and fell. "He spoke once," Professor MURRAY tells us, +"to say, 'Don't trouble about me,' and died almost immediately." His +Platoon Sergeant wrote to his parents, "A braver man never existed," +and with that epitaph we may leave him. + + * * * * * + +The scenes of _A Sheaf of Bluebells_ (HUTCHINSON) are laid in +Normandy, where they speak the French language. But the Baroness ORCZY +does not take advantage of this local habit, and is careful not to put +too heavy a strain upon the intelligence of those who do not enjoy the +gift of tongues. "_Ma tante_," "_Mon cousin_," "_Enfin"_--these are +well within the range of all of us. Indeed, though I shrink from +boasting, I could easily have borne it if she had tried me a little +higher. "_Ma tante_," for instance, got rather upon my nerves before +the heroine had finished with it. The plot (early nineteenth century) +is concerned with one _Ronnay de Maurel_, a soldier and admirer of +NAPOLEON, and in consequence anathema to most of his own family. +The heroine was betrothed to _Ronnay's_ half-brother, as elegant and +royalist as _Ronnay_ was uncouth and Napoleonic. It is a tale of love +and intrigue for idle hours, the kind of thing that the Baroness does +well; and, though she has done better before in this vein, you +will not lack for excitement here; and possibly, as I did, you will +sometimes smile when strictly speaking you ought to have been serious. + + * * * * * + +"Economy, I hate the word!" said a much-harassed housekeeper recently: +echoing, I fear, the sentiments of the great majority of the British +people. Nevertheless, let no one be deterred by a somewhat forbidding +title from reading Mr. HENRY HIGGS'S _National Economy: An Outline +of Public Administration_ (MACMILLAN). Although written by a Treasury +official--a being who in popular conception is compounded of red-tape +and sealing-wax and spends his life in spoiling the Ship of State by +saving halfpennyworths of tar--it is not a dry-as-dust treatise on the +art of scientific parsimony, but a lively plea for wise expenditure. +Mr. HIGGS is no believer in the dictum that the best thing to do with +national resources is to leave them to fructify in the pockets of +the taxpayers--"doubtful soil," in his opinion; nor is he afraid that +heavy taxation will kill the goose with the golden eggs. It may be +"one of those depraved birds which eat their own eggs, in which case, +if its eggs cannot be trapped, killing is all it is fit for." The +author is full of well-thought-out suggestions for saving waste and +increasing efficiency in our national administration. The introduction +of labour-saving machinery, the elimination of superfluous officials, +the reduction of the necessary drudgery which too often blights the +initiative and breaks the hearts of our young civil servants--all +these and many other reforms are advocated in Mr. HIGGS'S most +entertaining pages. I cordially commend them to the attention of +everyone who takes an intelligent interest in public affairs, not +excluding Cabinet Ministers, Members of Parliament, and political +journalists. + + * * * * * + +Though already we have so portentous an array of books jostling each +other upon the warshelf, there must be many people who will gladly +find the little space into which they may slip a slender volume +called _A General's Letters to His Son on Obtaining His Commission_ +(CASSELL). So slender indeed is the book that by the time you have +read the disproportionate title you seem to be about halfway through +it. But here is certainly a case of infinite riches in a little room. +The anonymous writer is deserving of every praise for the mingled +restraint and force of his method; you feel that, were the name +less outworn, he might well have signed himself "One Who Knows," for +practical experience sounds in every line. Greatest merit of all, the +letters contrive to handle even the most delicate matters without a +hint of preaching. But no words of mine could, in this association, +add anything to the tribute paid in a brief preface by so qualified a +critic as General Sir H.L. SMITH-DORRIEN: "If young officers will only +study these letters carefully, and shape their conduct accordingly, +they need have no fear of proving unworthy of His Majesty's +Commission." This is high praise, but well deserved. Personally, my +chief regret is that so valuable a collection of advice should have +delayed its appearance so long: there would have been use and to spare +for it these three years past. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME. + +_First Tommy_ (_watching artist engaged in protective colouring_). +"MARVELLOUS, AIN'T IT, BERT, 'OW TALENT WILL OUT, EVEN IN THE MOST +ADWERSE CIRCUMSTANCES?" + +_Second Tommy_. "YUS. WOT _I_ LIKES BEST IS THE EXPRESSION ON THE +DAWG."] + + * * * * * + + "The Admiralty announce that several raids were carried out by + naval aircraft from Dunkirk in the course of the night of May + 21-June 1, the objectives being Ostend, Zeebrugge and + Bruges. Many bombs were dropped on the objectives with good + results."--_Cork Constitution_. + +The Huns must have found it a very long night. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 13, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15688.txt or 15688.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/8/15688/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15688.zip b/15688.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff6e0df --- /dev/null +++ b/15688.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b32014e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15688 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15688) |
