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diff --git a/15688-h/15688-h.htm b/15688-h/15688-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7472c7f --- /dev/null +++ b/15688-h/15688-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2501 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London + Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + + .author {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 13, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 13, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 23, 2005 [EBook #15688] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 13, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page377" + id="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Count <span class="sc">Tisza</span> has declared his + intention of going to the Front for the duration of the War. He + denies, however, that he caught the idea from Mr. + <span class="sc">Winston Churchill.</span></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Germans announced that Chérisy was impregnable. + In view of the fact that the place has since been captured by + the British it is felt that Sir <span class="sc">Douglas + Haig</span> could not have read the German announcement.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their + houses during the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who + have only a little Bunting should hang that out instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll + scratchers" for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In + justice to the bird it must be stated that she has frequently + expressed a desire to be allowed to do war-work, but has been + discouraged.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking + into a Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth + £2,350. There is really no excuse for this sort of thing, + as the public have been repeatedly asked by the Government not + to go in for expensive jewellery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a + substitute sent to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The + department has apologised for the mistake and explained that it + was thought the man was required to deliver milk.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>, twenty-nine + houses in Oberreuth have been burned down and a villager aged + ninety-seven years has been arrested. The veteran, it appears, + puts down his sudden crime to the baneful influence of the + cinema.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather + buttons in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready + to assume that this will have any effect on the existing + meat-pie shortage.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show + a marked decrease of mortality among the inmates since they + were placed on rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by + the declaration that the notices which deal with "Enquiries for + Lost Children" and are prominently displayed in the Gardens + were actually in vogue before the rationing system was + introduced.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat + of Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this + commodity an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to + accept caviare instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted + drinking water," says <i>The British Medical Journal</i>, "have + been obtained by the use of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It + appears that you just mention this name to the germs (stopping + for lunch in the middle) and the little beggars are scared to + death.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a recent message to General + <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span>, the + <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> refers to the German defence as + being "mainly in your hands." And only last April they were + professing to find it in <span class="sc">Hindenburg's</span> + feet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a + precaution it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have + his full name and address written on the collar.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the + loss of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little + book just published, entitled <i>How to Keep Dogs</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said + the Chairman of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a + one-eyed man passed for general service. The case is not + unique, however, for a one-eyed man named + <span class="sc">Nelson</span> is recorded as having seen some + general service in the early part of the nineteenth + century.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot + in almost any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting + a friend.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the + mother took the baby to the recruiting office, where we are + told the military were satisfied that a mistake had been + made.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The author of an article in <i>The Daily Mail</i> stated + recently that nine readers of that paper had sent him poems. + This of course is only to be expected of a newspaper which + advocates reprisals.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> washing soap is + unobtainable in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can + be obtained only at prohibitive prices.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. <span class="sc">Jacob + Epstein</span>, the sculptor, was stated to have passed the + medical test. On the other hand Mr. + <span class="sc">Epstein's</span> Venus is still regarded as + medically unfit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth + birthday declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the + secret of good health. This is a great triumph for the milk + trade.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/377.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/377.png" + alt="'HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?'" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Curate</i> (<i>to old parishioner troubled with + insomnia</i>). "HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER + A STILE?"</p> + + <p><i>Old Lady</i>. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT + SETS ME WORRYIN' ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR + ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The best game the fairies play,</p> + + <p class="i2">The best game of all,</p> + + <p>Is sliding down steeples—</p> + + <p class="i2">You know they're very tall.</p> + + <p>You fly to the weathercock</p> + + <p class="i2">And when you hear it crow</p> + + <p>You fold your wings and clutch your things,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then you let go!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They have a million other games;</p> + + <p class="i2">Cloud-catching's one;</p> + + <p>And mud-mixing after rain</p> + + <p class="i2">Is heaps and heaps of fun;</p> + + <p>But when you go and stay with them</p> + + <p class="i2">Never mind the rest;</p> + + <p>Take my advice—they're very nice,</p> + + <p class="i2">But steeple-sliding's best!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years + old (neutral)."—<i>Scotch Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why doesn't it join the Allies?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page378" + id="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span> + + <h2>A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES.</h2> + + <p>"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've + <i>got</i> one all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't + know as I'm at liberty to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is + this 'ere Defence o' the Realm Act—see? Why, there was a + feller I knew got ten days' cells for just tellin' a young + woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was."</p> + + <p>It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent + the greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances + bent upon finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of + course during his absence Bill had written home regularly, but + his letters had been models of discretion and confined to + matters of the strictest personal interest. Since his return + quite a number of temporary coldnesses had arisen as a result + of his obstinate reticence, and the retired station-master, + after several attacks both in front and flank had ignominiously + failed, flew into a rage and said he didn't believe there was + any Navy left to tell about, the Germans having sunk it all at + the Battle of Jutland.</p> + + <p>Bill said they might 'ave done, he really didn't know, not + to be certain.</p> + + <p>But now, with his bundle handkerchief beside him, just + having another drink on his way to the station, Bill really + seemed to be relenting a little. The customers of the "Malt + House" all leaned forward attentively to listen.</p> + + <p>"It's all among friends, Bill," said the landlord + encouragingly, "it won't go no further, you can rest easy about + that."</p> + + <p>"I've 'eard tell as it's this 'ere Mr. Macaroni," began the + baker, who took in a twopenny paper every day, and gave himself + well-informed airs in consequence.</p> + + <p>"If you'd ever been properly eddicated," said Bill, wiping + his mouth on the back of his hand, "you'd know as the best + discoveries 'ave been made by haccident, same as when the + feller invented the steam-engine along of an apple tumblin' on + 'is 'ead. That's 'ow it is with this 'ere submarine business, + an' no macaroni about it an' no cheese neither.</p> + + <p>"Sailormen gets a deal o' presents sent 'em nowadays, + rangin' from wrist-watches an' cottage-pianners to woolly + 'ug-me-tights in double sennit. But the best present we ever + 'ad—well, I'll tell you.</p> + + <p>"An old lady as was aunt or godmother or something o' the + sort to our Navigatin' Lootenant sent him a present of an extra + large tin of peppermint 'umbugs. Real 'ot uns, they was, and + big—well, I believe you! I've 'ad a deal o' peppermints + in my time, but this 'ere consignment from the Navigator's + great-aunt fairly put the lid on. You'd ha' thought all 'ands + was requirin' dental treatment the day the Navigator shared 'em + out, an' when the steersman come off duty, 'e give the course + to the feller relievin' the wheel as if 'e'd got an 'ot potato + in 'is mouth.</p> + + <p>"Well, the peppermints was in full blast an' the ship + smellin' like a bloomin' sweet factory when the look-out + reported a submarine on our port bow. O' course we was all + cleared for haction, an' beginnin' to feel our Iron Crosses + burnin' 'oles in our jumpers, when we begun to see as there was + something funny about 'er.</p> + + <p>"Naturally we was lookin' for 'er to submerge—but not + she! There she sat, waitin' for us, an' all 'er crew was + pushin' an' fightin' to get their 'eads out of 'er conning + tower. We was right on top of 'er in two twos, and all as we + 'ad to do was to pick up the officers and crew as if they was a + lot o' wasps as 'ad been drinkin' beer, an' tow the + submarine—which was in fust-rate goin' order, not a month + out o' Kiel dockyard—'ome to a port as I'm not at liberty + to mention."</p> + + <p>"But 'ow?" began the baker.</p> + + <p>"I thought as I'd made it middlin' plain," said Bill + severely, "but seein' as some folks wants winders lettin' into + their 'eads I suppose I'd better make it plainer. I daresay + you've 'eard as they're very short o' sweet-stuff in + Germany."</p> + + <p>"I 'ave," said the baker triumphantly, "I read it in my + paper."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Bill, "there was a wind settin' good and strong + from us towards the submarine, an' when one of 'em as 'appened + to be takin' the air at the time got a sniff of us 'e just + couldn't leave off sniffin'. Then 'e passed the word down to + the others, an' the hodour of the peppermints was that powerful + it knocked 'em all of a 'eap, the same as food on an empty + stummnick. See? That's the real reason o' the sugar shortage. + There's 'arf-a-dozen factories workin' night an' day on + Admiralty contracts, turnin' out nothin' at all only peppermint + 'umbugs.</p> + + <p>"Simple, ain't it?" Bill concluded, as he paid for his beer + and reached for his bundle. "Anyway, it does as well as + anything else to tell a lot o' folks as can't let a decent + sailorman spend 'is bit o' leaf in peace an' quietness without + tryin' to get to know what 'e's got no business to tell 'em nor + them to find out."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Concrete holds its own in the construction + of our houses, our public buildings, our + brides...."—<i>New Zealand Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This ought to cement the affections.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page379" + id="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/379.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/379.png" + alt="COMMON IDEALS." /></a> + + <h3>COMMON IDEALS.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">British Food Profiteer</span> (<i>to + German ditto</i>). "ALAS! MY POOR BROTHER. YOU SHOULD HAVE + BEEN AN ENGLISHMAN. ENGLAND IS A FREE COUNTRY."</p> + + <p>[The Berlin <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> states that about + four thousand cases of profiteering are dealt with monthly + in Germany.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FUNERAL OF M. DE BLANCHET.</h2> + + <p>"Never let your husband have a grievance," said Madame + Marcot, stirring the lump of sugar that she had brought with + her to put into her cup of tea. "It destroys the happiness of + the most admirable households. Have you heard of the + distressing case of the de Blanchets—Victor de Blanchet + and his wife?"</p> + + <p>We had not.</p> + + <p>"Very dear friends of mine," said Madame Marcot vivaciously, + delighted at the chance of an uninterrupted innings, "and + belonging to a family of the most distinguished. They were a + truly devoted couple, and had never been apart during the whole + of their married life. As for him, he was an excellent fellow. + If he had a fault, it was only that perhaps he was a little + near; but still, a good fault, is it not? When he was called to + the Front his wife was desolated, simply desolated. And then, + poor M. de Blanchet—<i>not</i> the figure for a + soldier—of a rotundity, Mesdames!" And Madame Marcot + lifted her eyes heavenwards, struck speechless for a moment at + the thought of M. de Blanchet's outline. "However, like all + good Frenchmen, he made no fuss, but went off to do his duty. + He wrote to his wife every day, and she wrote to him.</p> + + <p>"All at once his letters ceased, and then, after a long + delay, came the official notice, 'Missing.' Imagine the + suspense, the anxiety! For weeks she continued to hope against + hope, but at last she heard that his body had been found. It + had been recognised by the clothes, the identity disc (or + whatever you call it), and the stoutness, for, alas, the + unfortunate gentleman's head had been nearly blown away by a + shell and was quite unrecognisable. Poor Madame de Blanchet's + grief was terrible to witness when they brought her his sad + clothing, with the embroidered initials upon it worked by her + own hand. One thing she insisted on, and that was that his body + should be buried at A——, in the family vault of the + de Blanchets, who, as I have said before, are very + distinguished people. "This meant endless red tape, as you may + imagine, and endless correspondence with the authorities, and + delays and vexations, but finally she got her wish, and the + funeral was the most magnificent ever witnessed in that part of + the world. You should have seen the '<i>faire part</i>,'" said + Madame Marcot, alluding to the black-bordered mourning + intimations sent out in France, inscribed with the names of + every individual member of the family concerned, from the + greatest down to <!--page 379 blank--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page380" + id="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span> the most insignificant and + obscure. "Several pages, I assure you; and everybody came. + The cortège was a mile long. M. l'Abbé Colaix + officiated; there was a full choral mass; and she got her + second cousin once removed, M. Aristide Gérant, who, + as you know, is Director of the College of Music at + A——, to compose a requiem specially for the + occasion; and he did not do it for nothing, you may believe + me. In fine, a first-class funeral. But, as she said, when + some of her near relations, including her stepmother, who is + not of the most generous, remonstrated with her on the score + of the expense, 'I would wish to honour my dear husband in + death as I honoured him in life.'</p> + + <p>"After it was all over she had a magnificent marble monument + erected over the tomb, recording all his virtues, and with a + bas-relief of herself (a very inaccurate representation, I am + told, as it gave her a Madonna-like appearance to which she can + lay no claim in real life) shedding tears upon his + sarcophagus."</p> + + <p>Madame Marcot paused for breath, and, thinking the story + finished, we drifted in with appropriate comments. But we were + soon cut short.</p> + + <p>"Ten months afterwards," continued the lady dramatically, + "as Madame de Blanchet, dressed of course in the deepest + mourning, was making strawberry jam in the kitchen and weeping + over her sorrows, who should walk in but Monsieur?"</p> + + <p>"What—her husband?" cried everybody.</p> + + <p>"The same," answered Madame Marcot. "He was a spectacle. He + had lost an arm; his clothing was in tatters, and he was as + thin as a skeleton. But it was Monsieur de Blanchet all the + same."</p> + + <p>"What had happened?" we shrieked in chorus.</p> + + <p>"What has happened more than once in the course of this War. + He had been taken prisoner, had been unable to communicate and + at last, after many marvellous adventures, had succeeded in + escaping."</p> + + <p>"But the other?" we cried.</p> + + <p>"Ah, now we come to the really desolating part of the + affair," said Madame Marcot. "The corpse in M. de Blanchets + clothing, what was he but a villainous Boche—stout, as is + the way of these messieurs—who had appropriated the + clothes of the unfortunate prisoner, uniform, badges, disc and + all, in order, no doubt, to get into our lines and play the + spy. Happily a shell put an end to his activities; but by the + grossest piece of ill-luck it made him completely + unrecognisable, so that Madame de Blanchet, as well as the + officers who identified him, were naturally led into the + mistake of thinking him a good Frenchman, fallen in the + exercise of his duty."</p> + + <p>"What happiness to see him back!" I remarked.</p> + + <p>"I believe you," said Madame Marcot, "and touching was the + joy of M. de Blanchet too, until he observed her mourning. He + was then inclined to be slightly hurt at her taking his death + so readily for granted. However, she soon explained the case; + but, when he heard that a nameless member of the unspeakable + race was occupying the place in the family vault that he had + been reserving for himself for years past at considerable cost, + he became exceedingly annoyed; and when, through the medium of + his relations, he learned of the first-class funeral, and of + the oak coffin studded with silver, and the expensive full + choral mass, and the requiem specially written for the + occasion, and the marble monument, his wrath was such that in + pre-war days, and before he had undergone the reducing + influence of the German hunger-diet, he would certainly have + had an apoplectic seizure. To a man of his economical turn of + mind it was naturally enraging. But the thing that put the + climax on his exasperation was the bas-relief of his wife, + 'ridiculously svelte' as he remarked, shedding tears over the + ashes of a wretched Boche.</p> + + <p>"The situation for him and for the family generally," + concluded Madame Marcot, "is, as you will readily conceive, one + of extreme unpleasantness and delicacy. The cost of exhuming + the Hun, after the really outrageous expense of his interment, + is one that a thrifty man like M. de Blanchet must naturally + shrink from; indeed he assures me that his pocket simply does + not permit of it.</p> + + <p>"In the meantime he can never go to lay a wreath upon the + tombs of his sainted father and mother, or pass through the + cemetery on his way to mass (he is a good Catholic), without + being reminded of the miserable interloper and all the + circumstances of his magnificent first-class funeral. Hence he + is a man with a grievance—an undying grievance, I may + say—for he is practically certain to have a ghost + hereafter haunting the spot that ought to be its resting-place + but isn't. Still, it is <i>chic</i> to have a ghost in the + family. The de Blanchets will be more distinguished than + ever."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/380.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/380.png" + alt="''OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. PODDISH?'" /> + </a> + + <p>"'OW'S YOUR SON GETTIN' ON IN THE ARMY, MRS. + PODDISH?"</p> + + <p>"FINE, THANKEE. THEY'VE MADE 'IM A COLONEL."</p> + + <p>"OH, COME——"</p> + + <p>"CAPTAIN, THEN."</p> + + <p>"GO ON. YOU MEAN CORPORAL, P'RAPS."</p> + + <p>"WELL, 'AVE IT THAT WAY IF YOU LIKE. I KNOW IT BEGAN + WITH A 'K.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Lifting and Uplifting.</h4> + + <p>Our Canadian contemporary, <i>Jack Canuck</i>, publishes a + protest against the invasion of Canada by British temperance + reformers, whom it describes as "uplifters." Immediately below + this protest it produces a picture from <i>Punch</i>, lifted + without any acknowledgment of its origin.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"On Sunday one British pilot, flying at + 1,000 ft., saw four hostile craft at about 5,000 ft., and + dived more than a mile directly at them. As he whirled past + the nearest machine he opened fire, and saw the observer + crumple up in the fusselage as the pilot put the machine + into a steep live."—<i>Dally Sketch</i>.</p> + + <p>While confessing ignorance as to the exact nature of a + "live," we are sure it is not as steep as the rest of the + story.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note"> </p> + + <h4>A Muscular Christian.</h4> + + <p>"Vicar, Compton Dando, Bristol, would Let two Fields, or + few Yearlings could run with him."—<i>Bristol Times + and Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" + id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/381.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/381.png" + alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> + + <h3>THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Time 1940.</i></p> + + <p>"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT WAR, + GRANDPA?" "WHAT DID I DO, MY LAD? I + HELPED TO RELIEVE MAFEKING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUSINGS OF MARCUS MULL.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>In the manner of an illustrious Mentor</i>.)</h3> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <p>I noted in last week's issue the persistence of the strange + story that Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, in his wrath + at his reduced majority in Midlothian, broke chairs when the + news arrived. I was careful to add that, as the result of + searching investigation, I was in a position to state that Mr. + <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> never did any such thing. + Still I cannot altogether regret having alluded to the story in + view of the interesting letters on the subject which have + reached me from a number of esteemed correspondents.</p> + + <h3>II.</h3> + + <p>As an eminent Dundonian divine, who wishes to remain + anonymous, remarks, it is a melancholy fact that men of genius + have often been prone to violent ebullitions of temper. He + recalls the sad case of <span class="sc">Milton</span>, who, + while he was dictating his <i>Areopagitica</i>, threw an + ink-horn at his daughter, "to the complete denigration of her + habiliments," as he himself described it. Yet + <span class="sc">Milton</span> was a man of high character and + replete with moral uplift. I remember that my old master, + Professor Cawker of Aberdeen, once told me that as a child he + was liable to fits of freakishness, in one of which he secreted + himself under the table during a dinner-party at his father's + house and sewed the dresses of the ladies together. The result, + when they rose to leave the room, was disastrous in the + extreme. But Professor Cawker, as I need hardly remind my + readers, was a genial and noble-hearted man. I presented him on + his marriage with a set of garnet studs. Ever after when I + dined at his house he wore them. Nothing was ever said between + us, but we both knew, and I shall never forget.</p> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p>My old friend, Lemmens Porter, whose name I deeply regret + not to have read in the Honours List, reminds me of the painful + story of <span class="sc">Swinburne</span>, who, in a fit of + temper, hurled two poached eggs at <span class="sc">George + Meredith</span> for speaking disrespectfully of + <span class="sc">Victor Hugo</span>. The incident is suppressed + in Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse's</span> tactful life, but Mr. + Porter had it direct from <span class="sc">Meredith</span>, + whose bath-chair he frequently pulled at Dorking. + <span class="sc">Swinburne</span> was, I regret to say, pagan + in his views, but, unlike some pagans, he was incapable of + adhering to the golden mean. <span class="sc">Aristotle</span>, + I feel certain, would never have condescended to the use of + such a missile, and it is beyond "imagination's widest stretch" + to picture, say, the late Dr. <span class="sc">Joseph + Cook</span>, of Boston, the present Lord + <span class="sc">Aberdeen</span>, or the Rev. Dr. Donald + McGuffin acting in such a wild and tempestuous manner.</p> + + <h3>IV.</h3> + + <p>Still we must admit the existence of high temper even in men + of high souls, high aims and high achievements. Everyone may + improve his temper. We cannot all emulate the patience of + <span class="sc">Job</span>, but we can at least set before us + the noble example of Professor Cawker, who redeemed the angular + exuberance of his youth by the mellow and mollifying kindliness + of his maturity. Even if Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> + <i>did</i> break chairs, we should not lightly condemn him. You + cannot make omelettes without breaking eggs. Besides, chairs + cannot retaliate.</p> + + <p class="author"><span class="sc">Marcus Mull</span>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note"> </p> + + <h4>A Cynical Headline.</h4> + + <p class="center">"NEW BRITISH BLOW.—BIRTHDAY HONOURS + LIST."—<i>Daily Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate our contemporary on its terseness. <i>The + Times</i> took nearly a column to say the same thing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" + id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span> + + <h2>BALLADE OF INCIPIENT LUNACY.</h2> + + <p><i>Scene</i>.—A Battalion "Orderly" Room in France + during a period of "Rest." Runners arrive breathlessly from all + directions bearing illegible chits, and tear off in the same + directions with illegible answers or no answer at all. + Motor-bicycles snort up to the door and arrogant + despatch-riders enter with enormous envelopes containing + leagues of correspondence, orders, minutes, circulars, maps, + signals, lists, schedules, summaries and all sorts. The tables + are stacked with papers; the floor is littered with papers; + papers fly through the air. Two type-writers click with + maddening insistence in one corner. A signaller buzzes + tenaciously at the telephone, talking in a strange language + apparently to himself, as he never seems to be connected with + anyone else. A stream of miscellaneous + persons—quarter-masters, chaplains, generals, batmen, + D.A.D.O.S.'s, sergeant-majors, staff-officers, buglers, Maires, + officers just arriving, officers just going away, gas experts, + bombing experts, interpreters, doctors—drifts in, wastes + time, and drifts out again.</p> + + <p>Clerks scribble ceaselessly, rolls and nominal rolls, + nominal lists and lists. By the time they have finished one + list it is long out-of-date. Then they start the next. + Everything happens at the same time; nobody has time to finish + a sentence. Only a military mind, with a very limited + descriptive vocabulary and a chronic habit of self-deception, + would call the place orderly.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant speaks, hoarsely; while he speaks he writes + about something quite different. In the middle of each sentence + his pipe goes out; at the end of each sentence he lights a + match. He may or may not light his pipe; anyhow he + speaks:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Where is that list of Wesleyans I made?</p> + + <p class="i2">And what are all those people on the + stair?</p> + + <p>Is that my pencil? Well, they <i>can't</i> be + paid.</p> + + <p class="i2">Tell the Marines we have no forms to + spare.</p> + + <p class="i2">I cannot get these Ration States to + square.</p> + + <p>The Brigadier is coming round, they say.</p> + + <p class="i2">The Colonel wants a man to cut his + hair.</p> + + <p>I think I <i>must</i> be going mad to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"These silly questions! I shall tell Brigade</p> + + <p class="i2">This office is now closing for + repair.</p> + + <p>They want to know what Mr. Johnstone weighed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if the Armourer is dark, or fair?</p> + + <p>I do not know; I cannot say I care.</p> + + <p class="i2">Tell that Interpreter to go away.</p> + + <p>Where is my signal-pad? I left it there.</p> + + <p class="i2">I think I <i>must</i> be going mad + to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Perhaps I should appear upon parade.</p> + + <p class="i2">Where is my pencil? Ring up Captain + Eyre;</p> + + <p>Say I regret our tools have been mislaid.</p> + + <p class="i2">These companies would make Sir + <span class="sc">Douglas</span> swear.</p> + + <p class="i2">A is the worst. Oh, damn, is this the + <i>Maire?</i></p> + + <p>I'm sorry, Monsieur—<i>je suis + désolé</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">But no one's pinched your miserable + chair.</p> + + <p>I think I <i>must</i> be going mad to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10"><span class="sc">Envoi</span>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Prince, I perceive what + <span class="sc">Cain's</span> temptations were,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how attractive it must be to + slay.</p> + + <p>O Lord, the General! This is hard to bear.</p> + + <p class="i2">I think I <i>must</i> be going mad + to-day."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>If there is one man in France whom I do not envy it is the + G.H.Q. Weather Prophet. I can picture the unfortunate wizard + sitting in his bureau, gazing into a crystal, <i>Old Moore's + Almanack</i> in one hand, a piece of seaweed in the other, + trying to guess what tricks the weather will be up to next.</p> + + <p>For there is nothing this climate cannot do. As a + quick-change artist it stands <i>sanspareil</i> (French) and + <i>nulli secundus</i> (Latin).</p> + + <p>And now it seems to have mislaid the Spring altogether. + Summer has come at one stride. Yesterday the staff-cars + smothered one with mud as they whirled past; to-day they choke + one with dust. Yesterday the authorities were issuing + precautions against frostbite; to-day they are issuing + precautions against sunstroke. Nevertheless we are not + complaining. It will take a lot of sunshine to kill us; we like + it, and we don't mind saying so.</p> + + <p>The B.E.F. has cast from it its mitts and jerkins and + whale-oil, emerged from its subterranean burrows into the open, + and in every wood a mushroom town of bivouacs has sprung up + over-night. Here and there amateur gardeners have planted + flower-beds before their tents; one of my corporals is nursing + some radishes in an ammunition-box and talks crop prospects by + the hour. My troop-sergeant found two palm-plants in the ruins + of a chateau glass-house, and now has them standing sentry at + his bivouac entrance. He sits between them after evening + stables, smoking his pipe and fancying himself back in + Zanzibar; he expects the coker-nuts along about August, he + tells me.</p> + + <p>Summer has come, and on every slope graze herds of + winter-worn gun-horses and transport mules. The new grass has + gone to the heads of the latter and they make continuous + exhibitions of themselves, gambolling about like ungainly + lambkins and roaring with unholy laughter. Summer has come, and + my groom and countryman has started to whistle again, sure sign + that Winter is over, for it is only during the Summer that he + reconciles himself to the War. War, he admits, serves very well + as a light gentlemanly diversion for the idle months, but with + the first yellow leaf he grows restless and hints indirectly + that both ourselves and the horses would be much better + employed in the really serious business of showing the little + foxes some sport back in our own green isle. "That Paddy," says + he, slapping the bay with a hay wisp, "he wishes he was back in + the county Kildare, he does so, the dear knows. Pegeen, too, if + she would be hearin' the houn's shoutin' out on her from the + kennels beyond in Jigginstown she'd dhrop down dead wid the + pleasure wid'in her, an' that's the thrue word," says he, + presenting the chestnut lady with a grimy army biscuit. "Och + musha, the poor foolish cratures," he says and sighs.</p> + + <p>However, Summer has arrived, and by the sound of his cheery + whistle at early stables shrilling "Flannigan's Wedding," I + understand that the horses are settling down once more and we + can proceed with the battle.</p> + + <p>If my groom and countryman is not an advocate of war as a + winter sport our Mr. MacTavish, on the other hand, is of the + directly opposite opinion. "War," he murmured dreamily to me + yesterday as we lay on our backs beneath a spreading parasol of + apple-blossom and watched our troop-horses making pigs of + themselves in the young clover—"war! don't mention the + word to me. Maidenhead, Canader, cushions, cigarettes, only + girl in the world doing all the heavy paddle-work—that's + the game in the good ole summertime. Call round again about + October and I'll attend to your old war." It is fortunate that + these gentlemen do not adorn any higher positions than those of + private soldier and second-lieutenant, else, between them, they + would stop the War altogether and we should all be out of + jobs.</p> + + <p class="author"><span class="sc">Patlander</span>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <p class="center">"—— & Co.</p> + + <p>The Leading Jewellery House.<br /> + Grand Assortment of Cut Glass."</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Advt. in Chinese Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" + id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/383.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/383.png" + alt="THE ROAD TO RUIN." /></a> + + <h3>THE ROAD TO RUIN.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" + id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/384.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/384.png" + alt="SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD PROBLEM." /></a> + + <h3>SIDELIGHTS ON THE GREAT FOOD + PROBLEM.</h3><span class="sc">The Society for the Discovery + of New War Foods test their latest dish</span>. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PICCADILLY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Gay shops, stately palaces, bustle and + breeze,</i></p> + + <p><i>The whirring of wheels and the murmur of + trees;</i></p> + + <p><i>By night or by day, whether noisy or + stilly,</i></p> + + <p><i>Whatever my mood is—I love + Piccadilly.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus carolled <span class="sc">Fred Locker</span>, + just sixty years back,</p> + + <p>In a year ('57) when the outlook was black,</p> + + <p>And even to-day the war-weariest Willie</p> + + <p>Recovers his spirits in dear Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We haven't the belles with their Gainsborough + hats,</p> + + <p>Or the Regency bucks with their wondrous + cravats,</p> + + <p>But now that the weather no longer is chilly;</p> + + <p>There's much to enchant us in New Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As I sit in my club and partake of my "ration"</p> + + <p>No longer I'm vexed by the follies of fashion;</p> + + <p>The dandified Johnnies so precious and + silly—</p> + + <p>You seek them in vain in the New Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The men are alert and upstanding and fit,</p> + + <p>They've most of them done or they're doing their + bit;</p> + + <p>With the eye of a hawk and the stride of a + gillie</p> + + <p>They add a new lustre to Old Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the crippled but gay-hearted heroes in blue</p> + + <p>Are a far finer product than wicked "old Q,"</p> + + <p>Who ought to have lived in a prison on skilly</p> + + <p>Instead of a palace in mid Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The women are splendid, so quiet and strong,</p> + + <p>As with resolute purpose they hurry along—</p> + + <p>Excepting the flappers, who chatter as shrilly</p> + + <p>As parrots let loose to distract Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus I muse as I watch with a reverent eye</p> + + <p>The New Generation sweep steadily by,</p> + + <p>And judge him an ass or a born Silly Billy</p> + + <p>Who'd barter the New for the Old Piccadilly.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>A Clearance.</h4> + + <p>"<span class="sc">Wanted</span>.—Lady shortly + leaving the Colony is desirous of recommending her baby and + wash Amahs, also Houseboy."—<i>South China Morning + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Though the King's birthday was officially + celebrated yesterday, there were no official + celebrations."—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It seems to have been a case of unconscious celebration.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"We shall want a name for the American + 'Tommies' when they come; but do not call them 'Yankees.' + They none of them like it."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>As a term of distinction and endearment Mr. Punch suggests + "Sammies"—after their uncle.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p class="author">"Petrograd.</p> + + <p>The local Committee of the Soldiers' and Workmen's + Delegates announces that it will take into its hands + effective power at Cronstadt. and that it will not + recognise the Provisional Government, and will remove all + Government representatives.</p> + + <p>This fateful decision was adopted by 21 votes to 40, + with eight abstentions."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The trouble in Russia just now is the tyranny of the + minority.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" + id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/385.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/385.png" + alt="A WORD OF ILL OMEN." /></a> + + <h3>A WORD OF ILL OMEN.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">Crown Prince</span> (<i>to KAISER, + drafting his next speech</i>). "FOR GOTT'S SAKE, FATHER, BE + CAREFUL THIS TIME, AND DON'T CALL THE AMERICAN ARMY + 'CONTEMPTIBLE.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" + id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 5th</i>.—In listless and dejected + mood the House of Commons reassembled after its all-too-brief + recess. Members collectively missed their + <span class="sc">Mark</span>, for Colonel + <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, the only popular Food + Controller in history, had been summoned upstairs and left the + Kitchen Committee to its fate. The shower of Privy + Councillorships, baronetcies and knighthoods which had + simultaneously descended upon the faithful Commons afforded + little compensation for this irreparable loss; and even the + sight of the <span class="sc">Attorney-General's</span> + immaculate spats appearing over the edge of the Table was + insufficient to dispel the prevailing gloom.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/386-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/386-1.png" + alt="Colonel Lockwood's Farewell to the Kitchen on his elevation to the Upper House." /> + </a><p class="sc">Colonel Lockwood's Farewell to the + Kitchen on his elevation to the Upper House.</p> + </div> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span> made a gallant + effort to galvanize his colleagues into life. Remembering that + it was an air-raid that got him into the House—some + people will never forgive the Germans for this—he seldom + allows a similar incident to pass without endeavouring to + improve the occasion. As his policy of "two bombs to one" + failed to intrigue Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> he + sought to move the adjournment, but when the Question was put + only five Members, instead of the necessary forty, rose in its + support.</p> + + <p>If Sir H. <span class="sc">Dalziel</span> has his way, and + the consumer is allowed to purchase his sugar unrefined, the + British breakfast will become a most exciting meal. Lice, + beetles and, on one occasion, a live lizard have been found in + the bags arriving from Cuba. Even with meat at its present + price, Captain <span class="sc">Bathurst</span> doubts whether + such additions to our dietary would be really welcome.</p> + + <p>In the pre-historic times before August, 1914, the + <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> was wont to give on + the Vote for his department a long and discursive account of + its multifarious activities, and to enliven the figures with + anecdotes and even with jokes. Mr. + <span class="sc">Illingworth</span> knows a better way. With + deliberate monotony he reeled off his statistics to a steadily + diminishing audience. Only once did he evoke a sign of + animation. He has abolished the absurd rule that the person + presenting a five-pound note at a post-office should be + required to endorse it; and, in defending this momentous + change, he remarked that he himself had endorsed many such + notes, "but never with my own name." For a moment Members were + startled by this cynical admission of something which seemed to + their half-awakened intelligence very like a confession of + forgery. But the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> + soon put them to sleep again, and by nine o'clock had got his + vote safely through.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 6th</i>.—Nothing short of a + revolution, it was supposed, would cause Whitehall to empty its + precious pigeon-holes, in which so many millions of pious + aspirations and abortive complaints sleep their last sleep. But + the War has penetrated even here, and Mr. + <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> was able to announce, with a + cheerfulness that some of the older officials probably regard + as almost indecent, that already a vast quantity of material + has gone to the pulping-mill.</p> + + <p>In the course of the debate on the Representation of the + People Bill, Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span> + explained that he resigned his membership of the + <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Conference because he found + that he and his party were expected to give up everything and + to get nothing in return. If so the Liberals on the Conference + were very short-sighted, for a little concession then would + have saved them a lot of trouble now. What Sir + <span class="sc">Frederick</span> does not know about the art + of Parliamentary obstruction is not worth knowing, and he + evidently means to use his knowledge for all it is worth. He + even succeeded—a rare triumph—in drafting an + instruction to the Committee which passed the + <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> scrutiny and took a good hour + to debate. In vain Sir <span class="sc">George Cave</span> and + Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span> reminded the House that it had + already approved the main principles of the Bill. You can't + ride a cock-horse when <span class="sc">Banbury's</span> + cross.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/386-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/386-2.png" + alt="Mr. Winston Churchill" /></a><p><i>Mr. + <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span></i> (<i>with + eye on the Air Board</i>). "ANY UNIFORM SUITS ME, + THANK YOU."</p> + </div> + + <p>Another old hand at the game is Lord <span class="sc">Hugh + Cecil</span>. His particular grievance against the Bill is, I + fancy, that it alters the character of his constituency, and, + should it pass, will oblige him to appeal for the votes of + callow young Bachelors with horrid Radical notions instead of + being able to repose in confidence upon the support of a solid + phalanx of clerical M.A.'s. He possesses also an hereditary + antipathy to extensions of the franchise. Lord + <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton</span> must have thought + himself back in 1867, listening to Lord + <span class="sc">Cranborne</span> attacking the Reform Bill + wherewith <span class="sc">Dizzy</span> dished the Whigs. Lord + <span class="sc">Hugh</span>, like his father, is a master of + gibes and flouts and jeers, and used most of the weapons from a + well-stocked armoury in an endeavour to drill a fatal hole in + the Bill.</p> + + <p>At one moment he chaffed the <span class="sc">Home + Secretary</span> for seeking to turn the House into a Trappist + monastery, where Ministers alone might talk and Members must + obey; at the next he was reminding the House, on a proposal to + raise the age of voters, that a great many of the persons who + took part in the massacre of St. Bartholomew were under + twenty-two years of age. But though Members listened and + laughed they refused, for the most part, to vote with him. The + Bill came almost unscathed through the first day of its ordeal + in Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 7th</i>.—If all the hundred and + sixty-eight Questions on the Order Paper had been fully + answered the German Government would have + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" + id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span> learned quite a number of + things that it is most anxious to know, for the Pacifist + group were full of curiosity regarding the war-aims of the + Allies. Several of the most searching inquiries had to be + met by such discouraging <i>formulæ</i> as "I have + nothing to add to my previous reply," or "The matter is + still under consideration."</p> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>, however, learned from + the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> that the Government, + the House and the Country were in full sympathy with the + war-policy laid down by the French Government, and that we were + prepared to go on fighting until it was achieved. Here is + something for his colleagues to tell the Stockholm Conference, + if they can get there.</p> + + <p>For some occult reason the word "cheese" always excites + Parliamentary merriment. Mr. <span class="sc">George + Roberts's</span> announcement that the Board of Trade had made + arrangements by which a quantity of this commodity would be + available for public use next week was greeted with the + customary laughter. Upon Army requirements, he added, would + depend the quantity to be "released." Colonel + <span class="sc">Yate</span> was perturbed by this + Gorgonzolaesque phrase, and anxiously inquired to what species + of cheese it referred.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/387.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/387.png" + alt="THE COMFORTER." /></a> + + <h3>THE COMFORTER.</h3> + + <p><i>Lance-Corporal</i> (<i>in charge of footsore Tommy + who has fallen out on the march</i>). + <span class="sc">"You've nothing to grouse about. You're + gettin' your own back from the Government. Ain't you + wearin' out their blinkin' boots?"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.</h3> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Private Whidden, who ate his Iron Rations + and came to an untimely end</i>.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Private Tom Whidden had a passion</p> + + <p>For eating of his iron ration—</p> + + <p>A thing, you know, which isn't <i>done</i></p> + + <p>(Except, just now and then, for fun),</p> + + <p>Because there is a rule about it</p> + + <p>And decent people rarely flout it.</p> + + <p>But Tom was greedy and each day</p> + + <p>He'd put a tin or two away,</p> + + <p>Though duty told him, clear and plain,</p> + + <p>To keep them safe as brewers' grain,</p> + + <p>For eating <i>as a last resort</i></p> + + <p>When eatables were running short.</p> + + <p>His Corporal said, "My lad, don't do it!"</p> + + <p>His Sergeant groaned, "I'm <i>sure</i> you'll rue + it!"</p> + + <p>But still he never stopped. At last</p> + + <p>His Captain heard and stood aghast....</p> + + <p>Then he said sternly, "Private Whidden,</p> + + <p>Really, you know, this is forbidden.</p> + + <p>Some day, Sir, if you <i>will</i> devour</p> + + <p>Your ration thus from hour to hour,</p> + + <p>You'll find yourself in No Man's Land</p> + + <p>With neither bite nor sup at hand.</p> + + <p>Yes, when it <i>is</i> your proper fare,</p> + + <p>Your iron ration won't be there;</p> + + <p>Then in your hour of bitter need</p> + + <p>You will be sorry for your greed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He ceased. But Private Thomas Whidden,</p> + + <p>Being thus seriously chidden,</p> + + <p>Said simply (with a Devon burr),</p> + + <p>"Law bless us! do 'ee zay zo, Zur?"</p> + + <p>Then with an uncontrolléd passion</p> + + <p>He went and ate his iron ration.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, since he chose, from day to-day,</p> + + <p>Persistently to disobey,</p> + + <p>As you'd expect, the man is dead,</p> + + <p>Though not the way his Captain said.</p> + + <p>The fate of starving out of hand,</p> + + <p>Or nearly so, in No Man's Land—</p> + + <p>Alas! it never came in question.</p> + + <p>He died of chronic indigestion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>With or without a medium.</h4> + + <p>"William Henry Gadd, said to have left Middlesex in 1812 + for South America, or anyone acquainted with his + whereabouts, will oblige by communicating at first + opportunity with H.M. Consul-General, 25 de Mayo 611, this + city."—<i>The Standard</i> (<i>Buenos Aires</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A correspondent informs us that the male gasworker is + familiarly known as "Cokey," and asks us whether the ladies who + have recently entered the business ought to be described as + "Cokettes." We think it very probable.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" + id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/388.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/388.png" + alt="Time gentlemen, please!" /></a> + + <p><i>British Officer</i> (<i>interrupting carousal in + Bosch dug-out</i>). "<span class="sc">Time, gentlemen, + please</span>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GOD-MAKERS.</h2> + + <p>The financial success of Mr. H.G. + <span class="sc">Wells</span>' punctuality and enterprise in + looking into the vexed question of the Deity, even in war time, + has had the usual effect, and many literary men are feverishly + pursuing similar studies. In due course some of these will no + doubt take practical shape. Meanwhile it has seemed desirable + for a <i>Punch</i> man to make a few inquiries among our + leading philosophers and readers of the future with regard to + the same engrossing topic. For England will ever be the wonder + and despair of other nations in its capacity, no matter with + what seriousness its hands are filled, for pursuing + controversial distractions.</p> + + <p>To run Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span> to earth + was no easy matter, for in these days he is behind every scene, + and no statesman, however new, can get along without his + counsel or correction. But, since to the good <i>Punch</i> man + difficulties exist only as obstacles of which the circumvention + acts as intellectual cocktails or stimuli, the task was + accomplished. Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett</span> agreed that + the book of the other famous Essex fictionist was a meritorious + and ingenious work, but he found it far from exhaustive. The + idea of God, he held, still needed handling in a capable + efficient way. What was wrong with religion was, he said, its + mystery; if only it could be pruned of nonsense and made + practical for the man in the street, it might become really + useful. He personally had not yet thought finally on the + subject of God, having just now more tasks on hand (including a + new play and universal supervision) than he could count on the + Five Fingers, but directly he had time he meant to attend to + the matter and polish it off. It was a case where his + intervention was clearly called for, since omniscience could be + handled only by omniscience.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man has, however, to admit himself beaten + in the matter of Sir <span class="sc">Oliver Lodge</span>. On + inquiring at Birmingham University he was told that the + illustrious Principal was absent, no one knew where, but it was + believed that he was visiting the higher slopes of Mount Sinai. + All that the <i>Punch</i> man could obtain was one of the black + velvet skull-caps which the seer wears, but, as it refused to + give up any of its secrets, he must confess to failure—at + any rate until Sir <span class="sc">Oliver</span> returns.</p> + + <p>Being in Brummagem (as it has been wittily called), the + <i>Punch</i> man bethought him of the Rev. R.J. + <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, once the very darling of the + new gods—in fact the arch neo-theologian. But Mr. + <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, erstwhile so articulate and + confident, had nothing to say. All he could do was to lock + himself for safety in his church and look through the keyhole + with his beautiful troubled wistful orbs.</p> + + <p>Mr. G.K. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span> loomed up to a + dizzy height amid a cloud of new witnesses. Greeting the + <i>Punch</i> man, he laid aside his proofs.</p> + + <p>"I was just deleting the abusive epithet 'Lloyd' from all + the references to the <span class="sc">Premier</span>," he + said, "but I have a moment for you. I find a moment sufficient + time for the assumption of any conviction however + lifelong."</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man asked if he had read the Dunmow + evangel.</p> + + <p>"I have read Mr. <span class="sc">Wells's</span> book, + <i>God, the Invisible Man</i>, with the greatest interest," + said Mr. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span>.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man ventured to correct him. "<i>God, the + Invisible King</i>," he interposed.</p> + + <p>"Very likely," replied the anti-Marconi Colossus. "But + what's in a title anyway? Books should not have titles + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" + id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span> at all, but be numbered, + like a composer's operas, Op. 1, Op. 2, and so on."</p> + + <p>"Whether or not the opping comes, some of them," said the + <i>Punch</i> man, "are certain to be skipped."</p> + + <p>The giant was visibly annoyed. "You're not playing the + game," he said. "It's I who ought to have said that. Not you. + You're only the interviewer. You'd better give it to me + anyway."</p> + + <p>"And what," the <i>Punch</i> man asked, "are your views + respecting God?"</p> + + <p>"I consider," he said instantly, "that an honest god's the + noblest work of man."</p> + + <p>"I felt sure you would," the <i>Punch</i> man replied. "In + fact, I had a bet on it."</p> + + <p>The Rev. Sir <span class="sc">William Robertson + Nicoll</span>, Editor of <i>The British Weekly</i>, said that + for many years his paper had supported Providence, to, he + believed, their mutual advantage, and it would continue to do + so. He personally recognised no need for change. Still, no one + welcomed honest analysis more warmly than himself, and he had + read Mr. <span class="sc">Wells's</span> masterpiece with all + his habitual avidity and delight.</p> + + <p>The <i>Punch</i> man, passing on to the office of <i>The + Times</i>, craved permission to see the Editor, through smoked + glass if necessary. Having complied with a thousand formalities + he was at last ushered into the presence. The great man was + engaged in selecting the various types in which to-morrow's + letters were to be set up—big for the whales and minion + for the minnows. "I can give you just two minutes," he said, + without looking up. "These are strenuous ti——, I + should say days. Self-advertisement we leave to the lower + branches of the family."</p> + + <p>"All I want to know," said the <i>Punch</i> man, "is what is + your idea of God? The feeling is very general that God should + be more clearly defined and, if possible, personified. One of + your own Republican correspondents, who not only got large type + but a nasty leader, has said so. How do you yourself view + Him?"</p> + + <p>"I have a god of my own," said the Editor, watch in hand, + "and I see him very distinctly. Powerfully built, with a boyish + face and a wealth of fairish hair over one side of the noble + brow. Aloof but vigilant. Restive but determined. Quick to + praise but quicker to blame. Adaptive, volcanic, relentless and + terribly immanent—terribly. That is my god. A king, no + doubt, but"—here he sighed—"by no means invisible. + Good day."</p> + + <p>Nothing but the absence of Mr. <span class="sc">Frank + Harris</span> in what is not only his spiritual but his actual + home, America, prevents the publication of his definitive and + epoch-making views on this suggestive theme.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile things go on much as usual.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/389.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/389.png" + alt="Good heavens, Corporal, what are you doing up there?" /> + </a><p><i>Officer</i> (<i>superintending party that is trying + to extinguish a fire at French farm</i>). + "<span class="sc">Good heavens, Corporal, what are you + doing up there</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Irish Corporal</i>. "<span class="sc">I'm watchin' the + straw doesn't catch a-fire, Sor</span>."</p> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, take care. Is it an + easy place to get out of</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Corporal</i>. "<span class="sc">It is that. You might go + through the floor annywhere, Sor</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>More Substitution.</h4> + + <p>From a Stores circular:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Members who like a very delicately Smoked + Bacon or Ham will appreciate the valuable new line recently + added to our Stock, namely;—</p> + + <p class="center">—— <span class="sc">Mild + Cured Salmon</span>."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"From Switzerland comes a report of a + noiseless machine gun, operated by + electricity."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Another invention gone wrong.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>New Lights on Ancient History.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Senor Aladro Castriota, the wealthy wine + merchant of Xerxes."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><span class="sc">Herodotus</span> omits this detail.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mrs. —— thoroughly recommends + her Russian Nursery Governess; speaks fluent French, + German; will answer any question."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There are a lot of questions we should like to ask her about + Russia.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The jury found the prisoner guilty of + man-slaughter, and was sentenced to 18 months' hard + labour."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No wonder there is a scarcity of jurymen.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" + id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>"<span class="sc">Sheila</span>."</h3> + + <p><i>Mark Holdsworth</i>, a bachelor of middle age, is bored + with commercial success and seeks a diversion. He would like to + have a son. And his attractive typist, <i>Sheila</i>, strikes + his fancy as a suitable medium. On her side the girl (obviously + recognisable by her innocence as a pre-war flapper) is sick of + drudgery, longs very simply for the joys of life, as she + imagines them, meaning freedom and pretty dresses and money to + spend and piles of invitation cards, and so forth. His proposal + of marriage, practically the first word he has ever said to her + outside their business relations, seems to her too good to be + true. There is no question of a grand passion, not even a + question of every-day romance. It is just a fair exchange, + though she is too young to appreciate the man's motives and is + content with the pride of being his choice and the prospects of + the wonderful life that opens before her.</p> + + <p>Three months later (they are married and in their different + ways have grown to care for one another) we find her + discontented. Her social blunders and the attitude of his + people have set her on edge, and we are further to understand + that she is not very responsive to the strength of his feelings + for her. A bad shock comes when she hears, through a jealous + woman-friend of his bachelor days, that he has married her for + the sake of a son. This poisons for her the memory of their + first union and she refuses to be his wife again.</p> + + <p>An old obligation, entered into before his marriage, compels + him to go abroad on business where she cannot accompany him. He + does not know that she is to have a child, and in his absence + she keeps the knowledge from him. Her boy is born and dies. The + news, reaching <i>Holdsworth</i> through a brother, brings him + home, and husband and wife are reconciled. Such is the plot, + told crudely enough.</p> + + <p>Now, if Miss <span class="sc">Sowerby</span> meant + deliberately to create a woman who does not really know what + she wants—a creature of moods without assignable + motives—then I am not ashamed of failing to understand + her <i>Sheila</i>, since her <i>Sheila</i> did not understand + herself. But if she is designed to illustrate the eternal + feminine (always supposing that there is such a thing) then I + protest that her chief claim to be representative of her sex is + her unreasonableness. Of course I should never pretend to say + of a woman in drama or fiction that she has not been drawn true + to nature. To know one man is, in most essentials, to know all + men; to know fifty women (though this may be a liberal + education) does not advance you very far in knowledge of a sex + that has never been standardized.</p> + + <p>When we first meet <i>Sheila</i> her idea of happiness is to + spend an evening (innocent of escort) at the picture-palace; + take this from her and her heart threatens to break. Three + short months and she has developed to the point of breaking off + relations with a husband who has given her all the + picture-palaces she wanted, but has also committed the + unpardonable indecency of marrying her with the object of + getting a son!</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/390.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/390.png" + alt="THE VICE OF INCONSTANCY." /></a>THE VICE OF + INCONSTANCY. + + <p><i>Sheila</i>. "<span class="sc">Before you married me + you weren't nearly so nice to me. It's horrid of you to + change</span>."</p> + + <table summary="cast"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Mark Holdsworth . .</i></td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="right">MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Sheila . . . . . . . . + .</i></td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">MISS FAY COMPTON.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <p>Here, if she approves the attitude of her heroine, I am + tempted to argue, in my dull way, with the charming author of + <i>Sheila</i>. You must always remember that there was no + love—not even courtship—before this betrothal. The + girl was swept off her feet by the honour done to her and by + the chance of seeing "life" as she had never hoped to see it. + The man, on his side, wanted a son. Was his object so very + contemptible in comparison with hers? Women marry by the myriad + for the mere sake of having children, and nobody blames them. + Indeed, we call it, very reverentially, the maternal instinct. + Well, what is the matter with the paternal instinct?</p> + + <p>However, I am not going to set my opinion up against Miss + <span class="sc">Sowerby's</span>. Where I can follow her I + find so much clear insight and observation that I must needs + have faith in her good judgment where I cannot understand. This + arrangement still leaves me free to prefer her in her less + serious moments. Here she is irresistible with that delicate + humour of hers that is always in the picture and never has to + resort to the device of manufactured epigram. There is true + artistry in her lightest touch. Her people are not galvanised + puppets; they simply draw their breath and there they are. And + she has the particular quality of charm that makes you yield + your heart to her, even when your head remains your own.</p> + + <p>How much she owes to Miss <span class="sc">Fay + Compton's</span> interpretation of <i>Sheila</i> she would be + the first to make generous acknowledgment. It was an + astonishingly sensitive performance. Miss + <span class="sc">Compton</span> can be eloquent with a single + word or none at all. By a turn of her eyes or lips she can make + you free of her inarticulate thoughts. I must go again just to + hear her say "Yes," and give that sigh of content at the end of + the First Act.</p> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Aubrey Smith</span> as <i>Mark + Holdsworth</i> had a much easier task, and did it with his + habitual ease. Mr. <span class="sc">William + Farren</span>—a very welcome return—was perfect as + ever in a good grumpy part. It was strange to see the gentle + Miss <span class="sc">Stella Campbell</span> playing the + unsympathetic character of a jealous and rather cruel woman; + but she took to it quite kindly. Mr. <span class="sc">Lance + Lister</span>, as the boy <i>Geoffrey</i>, who kept intervening + in the most sportsmanlike way on the weaker side and adjusting + some very awkward complications with the gayest and most + resolute tact, was extraordinarily good. Admirable, too, were + Miss <span class="sc">Joyce Carey</span> as a shop-girl friend + of <i>Sheila's</i> boarding-house period, and Mr. + <span class="sc">Henry Oscar</span> as her "fate," whose line + was shirts. The scene in which these two encounter the superior + relatives of <i>Sheila's</i> husband abounded in good fun, kept + well within the limits of comedy. It was a pure joy to hear + <i>Miss Hooker's</i> garrulous efforts to carry off the + situation with aggressive gentility; but even more fascinating + was the abashed silence of her young man, broken only when he + blurted out the word "shirts," and gave the show away.</p> + + <p>The whole cast was excellent, and Sir + <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> must be felicitated on + a very clever production. But it is to author and heroine that + I beg to offer the best of my gratitude for a most refreshing + evening.</p> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"You will find that the men most likely to + get off the note are those who never really got on to + it."—<i>Musical Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The real question is how those who never got on to the note + contrive to get off it.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" + id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images//391.png"><img width="100%" + src="images//391.png" + alt="I see a baker's been fined ten pounds for selling bread less than twelve hours old." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Mother</i> (<i>reading paper</i>). + "<span class="sc">I see a baker's been fined ten pounds for + selling bread less than twelve hours old</span>."</p> + + <p><i>Alan</i> (<i>who now goes to school by + train</i>—<i>joining in</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, + think! and he might have pulled the cord and stopped the + train <i>twice</i> for that</span>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h3> + + <p>When I first read the title of <i>Secret Bread</i> + (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) my idea was—well, + what would anyone naturally think but that here was a romance + of food-hoarding, a tale of running the potato blockade and the + final discovery of a hidden cellar full of fresh rolls? But of + course I was quite wrong. The name has nothing to do with food, + other than mental; it stands for the sustaining idea (whatever + it is) that each one of us keeps locked in his heart as the + motive of his existence. With <i>Ishmael Ruan</i>, the hero of + Miss F. <span class="sc">Tennyson Jesse's</span> novel, this + hidden motive was love of the old farm-house hall of Cloom, and + a wish to hand it on, richer, to his son. <i>Ishmael</i> + inherited Cloom himself because, though the youngest of a large + family, he was the only one born in wedlock. Hence the second + theme of the story, the jealousy between <i>Ishmael</i> and + <i>Archelaus</i>, the elder illegitimate brother. How, through + the long lives of both, this enmity is kept up, and the + frightful vengeance that ends it, make an absorbing and + powerful story. The pictures of Cornish farm-life also are + admirably done—though I feel bound to repeat my + conviction that the time is at hand when, for their own + interest, our novelists will have to proclaim what one might + call a close time for pilchards. Still, Miss + <span class="sc">Jesse</span> has written an unusually clever + book, full of vigour and passion, of which the interest never + flags throughout the five-hundred-odd closely-printed pages + that carry its protagonists from the early sixties almost to + the present day. No small achievement.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. <span class="sc">Skrine</span> has collected some + charming fragrant papers from various distinguished sources + concerning the ever-recurring phenomenon of <i>The Devout + Lady</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>), in order to + inspire one <span class="sc">Joan</span>, a V.A.D. heroine of + the new order. I guess <span class="sc">Joan</span>, of whom + only a faint glimpse is vouchsafed, must be a nice + person—the author's affectionate interest in her is + sufficient proof of that. I suppose we all know our Little + Gidding out of <span class="sc">Shorthouse's</span> <i>John + Inglesant</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Skrine</span> deprecates + the Inglesantian view and offers us a stricter portrait of + <span class="sc">Mary Collet</span>. "Madam" + <span class="sc">Thornton</span>, Yorkshire Royalist dame in + the stormy days of the Irish Rebellion and the Second + <span class="sc">James's</span> flight to St. Germain, is + another portrait in the gallery; then there's + <span class="sc">Patty More, Hannah's</span> less famous + practical sister, of Barleywood and the Cheddar Cliff + collieries; and a modern great lady of a lowly cottage, in + receipt of an old-age pension and still alive in some dear + corner of England—the best sketch of the series, because + drawn from life and not from documents. If the author has a + fault it is her detached allusiveness, her flattering but + mystifying assumption that one can follow all her references, + and her rather mannered idiom: "He proved a kind husband, but + sadly a tiresome." These, however, be trifles. Read this + pleasant book, I beg you, and send it on to your own Joan.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have read with deep interest and appreciation and with a + mournful pleasure the <i>Letters of Arthur George Heath</i> + (<span class="sc">Blackwell</span>, Oxford). It is the record, + in a series of letters mostly written to his parents, of the + short fighting life of a singularly brave and devoted man. + There is in addition a beautiful memoir by Professor + <span class="sc">Gilbert Murray</span>, whose privilege it was + to be <span class="sc">Arthur Heath's</span> friend. + <span class="sc">Heath</span> was not vowed to fighting from + his boyhood onward. He was a brilliant scholar and afterwards a + fellow of New College, Oxford. The photograph of him + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" + id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span> shows a very delicate and + refined face, and his letters bear out the warrant of his + face and prove that it was a true index to his character. + Until the great summons came one might have set him down as + destined to lead a quiet life amid the congenial + surroundings of Oxford, but we know now that the real stuff + of him was strong and stern. He joined the army a day or two + after the outbreak of war, being assured that our cause was + just and one that deserved to be fought for. He had no + illusions as to the risk he ran, but that didn't weigh with + him for a moment. On July 11th, 1915, he writes to his + mother from the Western Front: "Will you at least try, if I + am killed, not to let the things I have loved cause you + pain, but rather to get increased enjoyment from the Sussex + Downs or from Janie (his youngest sister) singing Folk + Songs, because I have found such joy in them, and in that + way the joy I have found can continue to live?" Beautiful + words these, and typical of the man who gave utterance to + them. The end came to him on October 8th, his twenty-eighth + birthday. His battalion of the Royal West Kent Regiment was + engaged in making a series of bombing attacks. In one of + these <span class="sc">Arthur Heath</span> was shot through + the neck and fell. "He spoke once," Professor + <span class="sc">Murray</span> tells us, "to say, 'Don't + trouble about me,' and died almost immediately." His Platoon + Sergeant wrote to his parents, "A braver man never existed," + and with that epitaph we may leave him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The scenes of <i>A Sheaf of Bluebells</i> + (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) are laid in Normandy, + where they speak the French language. But the Baroness + <span class="sc">Orczy</span> does not take advantage of this + local habit, and is careful not to put too heavy a strain upon + the intelligence of those who do not enjoy the gift of tongues. + "<i>Ma tante</i>," "<i>Mon cousin</i>," + "<i>Enfin"</i>—these are well within the range of all of + us. Indeed, though I shrink from boasting, I could easily have + borne it if she had tried me a little higher. "<i>Ma + tante</i>," for instance, got rather upon my nerves before the + heroine had finished with it. The plot (early nineteenth + century) is concerned with one <i>Ronnay de Maurel</i>, a + soldier and admirer of <span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, and in + consequence anathema to most of his own family. The heroine was + betrothed to <i>Ronnay's</i> half-brother, as elegant and + royalist as <i>Ronnay</i> was uncouth and Napoleonic. It is a + tale of love and intrigue for idle hours, the kind of thing + that the Baroness does well; and, though she has done better + before in this vein, you will not lack for excitement here; and + possibly, as I did, you will sometimes smile when strictly + speaking you ought to have been serious.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Economy, I hate the word!" said a much-harassed housekeeper + recently: echoing, I fear, the sentiments of the great majority + of the British people. Nevertheless, let no one be deterred by + a somewhat forbidding title from reading Mr. + <span class="sc">Henry Higgs's</span> <i>National Economy: An + Outline of Public Administration</i> + (<span class="sc">Macmillan</span>). Although written by a + Treasury official—a being who in popular conception is + compounded of red-tape and sealing-wax and spends his life in + spoiling the Ship of State by saving halfpennyworths of + tar—it is not a dry-as-dust treatise on the art of + scientific parsimony, but a lively plea for wise expenditure. + Mr. <span class="sc">Higgs</span> is no believer in the dictum + that the best thing to do with national resources is to leave + them to fructify in the pockets of the + taxpayers—"doubtful soil," in his opinion; nor is he + afraid that heavy taxation will kill the goose with the golden + eggs. It may be "one of those depraved birds which eat their + own eggs, in which case, if its eggs cannot be trapped, killing + is all it is fit for." The author is full of well-thought-out + suggestions for saving waste and increasing efficiency in our + national administration. The introduction of labour-saving + machinery, the elimination of superfluous officials, the + reduction of the necessary drudgery which too often blights the + initiative and breaks the hearts of our young civil + servants—all these and many other reforms are advocated + in Mr. <span class="sc">Higgs's</span> most entertaining pages. + I cordially commend them to the attention of everyone who takes + an intelligent interest in public affairs, not excluding + Cabinet Ministers, Members of Parliament, and political + journalists.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Though already we have so portentous an array of books + jostling each other upon the warshelf, there must be many + people who will gladly find the little space into which they + may slip a slender volume called <i>A General's Letters to His + Son on Obtaining His Commission</i> + (<span class="sc">Cassell</span>). So slender indeed is the + book that by the time you have read the disproportionate title + you seem to be about halfway through it. But here is certainly + a case of infinite riches in a little room. The anonymous + writer is deserving of every praise for the mingled restraint + and force of his method; you feel that, were the name less + outworn, he might well have signed himself "One Who Knows," for + practical experience sounds in every line. Greatest merit of + all, the letters contrive to handle even the most delicate + matters without a hint of preaching. But no words of mine + could, in this association, add anything to the tribute paid in + a brief preface by so qualified a critic as General Sir H.L. + <span class="sc">Smith-Dorrien</span>: "If young officers will + only study these letters carefully, and shape their conduct + accordingly, they need have no fear of proving unworthy of His + Majesty's Commission." This is high praise, but well deserved. + Personally, my chief regret is that so valuable a collection of + advice should have delayed its appearance so long: there would + have been use and to spare for it these three years past.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/392.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/392.png" + alt="THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME." /></a> + + <h4>THE ARTS IN WAR-TIME.</h4> + + <p><i>First Tommy</i> (<i>watching artist engaged in + protective colouring</i>). "<span class="sc">Marvellous, + ain't it, Bert, 'ow talent will out, even in the most + adwerse circumstances</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Tommy</i>. "<span class="sc">Yus. Wot <i>I</i> + likes best is the expression on the dawg</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The Admiralty announce that several raids + were carried out by naval aircraft from Dunkirk in the + course of the night of May 21-June 1, the objectives being + Ostend, Zeebrugge and Bruges. Many bombs were dropped on + the objectives with good results."—<i>Cork + Constitution</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Huns must have found it a very long night.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 13, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15688-h.htm or 15688-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/8/15688/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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