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diff --git a/15677.txt b/15677.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88be6e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/15677.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1570 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +November 5, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, November 5, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 21, 2005 [EBook #15677] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +November 5, 1892. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +LUNCH (_continued_).--Perhaps the best piece of advice that I can +give you, my young friend, is that--for conversational purposes--you +should make a careful study of the natures and temperaments of your +companions. Watch their little peculiarities, both of manner and of +shooting; pick up what you can about their careers in sport and in +the general world, and use the knowledge so acquired with tact and +discretion when you are talking to them. For instance, if one of the +party is a celebrated shot, who has done some astonishing record at +driven grouse, you may, after the necessary preliminaries, ask him +to be good enough to tell you what was the precise number of birds he +shot on that occasion. Tell him, if you like, that the question arose +the other day during a discussion on the three finest game-shots of +the world. If you happen to know that he shot eighteen hundred birds, +you can say that most people fixed the figure at fifteen hundred. +He will then say,--"Ah, I know most people seem to have got that +notion--I don't know why. As a matter of fact, I managed to get +eighteen hundred and two, and they picked up twenty-two on the +following morning." Your obvious remark is, "By Jove!" (with a strong +emphasis on the "by") "what magnificent shooting!" After that, the +thing runs along of its own accord. With a bad shot your method is, +of course, quite different. For example:-- + +_Young Shot_. I must say I like the old style of walking up your birds +better than driving, especially in a country like this. I never saw +such difficult birds as we had this morning. You seemed to have the +worst of the luck everywhere. + +_Bad Shot_. Yes--they didn't come my way much. But I don't get much +practice at this kind of thing--and a man's no good without practice. + +_Y.S._ That was a deuced long shot, all the same, that you polished +off in the last drive. When I saw him coming at about a hundred miles +an hour, I thanked my stars he wasn't my bird. What a thump he fell! + +_B.S._ Oh, he was a fairly easy shot, though a bit far off. I daresay +I should do well enough if I only got more shooting. I'm not shooting +with my own gun, though. It's one of my brother's, and it's rather +short in the stock for me. + +That starts you comfortably with the Bad Shot. You soothe his ruffled +vanity, and give him a better appetite for lunch. + +Now, besides the Good Shot, and the Bad Shot--the two extremes, as +it were, of the line of shooters--you might subdivide your sportsmen +further into-- + +(1.) _The Jovial Shot._ This party is on excellent terms with himself +and with everybody else. Generally he shoots fairly well, but there +is a rollicking air about him, which disarms criticism, even when +he shoots badly. He knows everybody, and talks of most people by +nick-names. His sporting anecdotes may be counted upon for, at any +rate, a _succes d'estime_. "I never laughed so much in my life," he +begins, "as I did last Tuesday. There were four of us--Old SANDY, +BUTCHER BILL, DICK WHORTLEBURY, and myself. SANDY was driving us back +from Dillwater Hall--you know, old PUFFINGTON's place--where we'd been +dining. Devilish dark night it was, and SANDY's as blind as a bat. +When we got to the Devil's Punchbowl I knew there'd be some warm +games, 'cos the horse started off full tilt, and, before you could say +knife, over we went. I pitched, head first, into DICK's stomach, and +SANDY and BILL went howling down like a right and left of rabbits. +Lord, I laughed till the tears ran down my face. No bones broken, but +the old BUTCHER's face got a shade the worst of it with a thorn-bush +on the slope. Cart smashed into matchwood, of course." + +(2.) _The Dressy Shot._ Wonderful in the boot, stocking, and gaiter +department. Very tasteful, too, in the matter of caps and ties. May +be flattered by an inquiry as to where he got his gaiters, and if they +are an idea of his own. Sometimes bursts out into a belt covered with +silver clasps. Fancy waistcoats a speciality. His smoking-suit, in +the evening, is a dream of gorgeous rainbows. Is sometimes a very fair +shot. Generally wears gloves, and a fair moustache. + +(3.) _The Bored Shot._ A good sportsman, who says he doesn't care +about sport. Often has literary tastes. Has views of his own, and is, +consequently, looked upon as a rather dangerous idealist by honest +country gentlemen, who confine their reading to an occasional peep at +the _Times_, and an intimate quoting acquaintance with the novels of +Mr. SURTEES. Often shocks his companions by telling them he really +doesn't care much about killing things, and would just as soon let +them off. However, he shows a perfectly proper anger if he misses +frequently. Is not unlikely to be an authority on sheep and oxen, and +may, perhaps, be accepted as the Conservative Candidate for his County +division, dumb but indignant County magnates finding that he expresses +their views better than they can do it themselves. Don't talk to +him about sport. Try him with books, interesting articles in the +Magazines, and so forth. + +(4.) _The Soldier Shot._ This kind is generally a Captain, dresses +well, but not gaudily, and smokes big cigars. There seems to be a +general idea that a man who can teach privates to shoot targets must +be able to shoot game himself. Yet the Soldier Shot misses birds +quite beautifully. He will have often shot big game in India with +an accuracy that increases in proportion to the number of miles that +separate him from the scene of his exploits. After all, the ability +to "brown" a herd of elephants does not guarantee rights and lefts at +partridges. Apt to declaim tersely and forcibly about the hardships of +a military career. + +(5.) _The Average Shot._ Talk to him about average matters, unless you +hear he is a celebrity in some other branch of sport. In that case, +get details from him of his last Alpine climb, or his latest run to +hounds, or ask his views on racing matters. Most average shots go +racing, and think they understand all about it. + +I say nothing here about the Dangerous Shot, because it is never +right to get within talking distance of him. In fact, he ought not to +be talked to at all. I am not sure he ought to be allowed to live. +Still, his exploits furnish material for many an animated conversation +amongst the survivors. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: --"ANIMIS COELESTIBUS IRAE!" + +A MODERN SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION. + +_Miss Fanny_ (_a gentle and most veracious Child_). "YAH! YOU CRUEL +COWARD! YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SKINNED A LIVE FROG!" + +_Master Victor_ (_an industrious but very touchy little Boy_). "YOU'RE +A LIAR! THE FROG WAS DEAD, AND _YOU KNOW IT!_" + +_Miss Fanny._ "BOOHOO! WHETHER IT WAS DEAD OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT +TO CALL NAMES; 'COS I'M A GIRL, AND CAN'T PUNCH YOUR HEAD!" + +_Master Victor._ "IT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL THAT _I_ CAN'T +PUNCH _YOURS_! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CALLED ME A +COWARD!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CABINET MEET.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BUCKJUMPERISH SENSATION. + + [It is rumoured that some of BUFFALO BILL's Broncos have been + bought by the Cab Proprietors of London.] + +_Cabby._ "SIT STILL, SIR! THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' TO WOT 'E _CAN_ DO. +YOU'LL SEE 'IM TURN 'EAD OVER 'EELS PRESENTLY!"] + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF POLICE; + +_OR, WHAT IT MAY COME TO._ + + SCENE--_Trafalgar Square just before sunset. Police in + abundance; number of Processionists in various parts of the + open space seen to be dispersing._ + +_Police Inspector._ Now, my good friends, I am going to be as polite +as possible, but I must obey the regulations of the Commissioners of +Her Majesty's Works and Public Buildings. And I say you cannot speak, +because you have not given proper notice to the authorities. + +_First Orator._ But I have--I tell you I wrote to the Commissioner +four days ago. + +_Pol. In._ Oh, did you? Then that of course alters the case. What are +you, Sir? + +_First Or._ I am the "Friends of the Horny Hands of Labour." + +_Pol. In._ (_after referring to note-book_). Ah, I _thought_ I was +right. Your application came in second, Sir--the "Decayed Washerwomen" +got in before you. Look here. (_Pointing out regulation._) "Not more +than one Meeting shall be allowed at the same time, and if notices of +two or more Meetings are given for the same day, preference shall be +given to that Meeting of which notice shall have been first received." +So you see, Sir, you are not in it. Better luck next time. There is +another Bank Holiday six months hence. + +_First Or._ But the "Decayed Washerwomen" are not here, and I-- + +_Pol. In._ Very sorry. Sir, but you must move on. (First Orator +_disappears with grumbling followers_.) I say, BILL, I do really think +these regulations are working quite pleasantly. + +_Bill_ (_a subordinate_). Yes, Sir. + +_Second Orator._ (_entering hurriedly, accompanied by some aged +females_). Here, I say, where are we to make speeches? + +_Pol. In._ (_genially_). Nowhere, unless you have the proper +authority. Who may you be when you are at home? + +_Second Or._ (_fussily_). Why, the "Decayed Washerwomen," to be sure. +Now, look sharp, and find us a place to deliver speeches. You know you +_must_ do it, by order of the-- + +_Pol. In._ Yes, I know. Well, what do you say to the top of that +lamp-post? + +_Second Or._ Now, none of your chaff. Mind, you are the servants of +the public, and-- + +_Pol. In._ Yes--but don't deliver a speech to me--I am not a "Decayed +Washerwoman." + +_Chorus of Indignant Females._ We should think not. It would be a good +thing if you were! + +_Second Or._ Now, look sharp. We have been longer coming than we +expected. The cabs and omnibuses were so troublesome. Now, where shall +I stand? + +_Pol. In._ (_considering_). Well, I think you would be out of the way +if you got up there, and spoke to them down below. + + [_Points out elevated position in front of the National + Gallery._ + +_Second Or._ But they won't be able to see, much less to hear me! + +_Pol. In._ Can't help that. The Commissioners of Her Majesty's +Works and Public Buildings don't provide telescopes nor yet +ear-trumpets.--_Bill_ (_saluting_). Sunset, Sir! + +_Pol. In._ There, you see! Thought you would be too late. Time's up. +Glad to see you another day. But now--move on! + + [_And the Police Regulations are obeyed. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD OLD (SUNDAY) TIMES REVIVED.--The specimen number of _The +Sunday Times_ as it was at its commencement in 1822, given on Sunday, +October 23rd, 1892, is most interesting. Theatrical advertising was +quite "a feature" at that time, when only two Theatres, Drury Lane and +Covent Garden, seem to have advertised. The names there are of EDMUND +KEAN simply as Mr. KEAN, of Messrs. DOWTON, HARLEY, YOUNG, MUNDEN, +Mrs. GLOVER, and of Madame VESTRIS as _Ophelia_. BRAHAM is there, as +also LISTON and Miss STEPHENS. Prize Fights are done in the good old +Tom-and-Jerry style, and the Police Reports are made so amusing as to +suggest that such a light touch as is occasionally given in the +"Day by Day" of the _Daily Telegraph_, might be nowadays welcome in +(Police) Court News. Altogether, a happy thought to reproduce the +_Sunday Times_ of 1822, and may the _Sunday Times_ of 1892 live up to +it, and be "going strong" in 1992! _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +GUY-FOX POPULI. + +[Illustration: "A Guy in Spectacles and a Tall Hat."] + +The proceedings of the Midnight Mass Meeting of Unemployed Guys +at Vauxhall on the fifth of November were of a somewhat disorderly +nature, several of the speeches being characterised by a distinctly +incendiary tone, as will be seen from the following account by _Mr. +Punch's_ Special Reporter, who was present throughout. + +The Chair-guy (whose appearance was comparatively respectable) said he +was proud to occupy the chair--notwithstanding that the bottom was out +of it. (_Shame!_) Oh. he was used to that, although he could tell the +meeting he had driven his own donkey-cart once upon a time, if he had +come down to a wheelbarrow now! (_Cries of "Toff!" and "Aristocrat!" +from the more extreme Guys._) He did not understand those expressions +of disapproval--a wheelbarrow with one leg missing was surely an +unostentatious conveyance enough. Well, they had met that evening +to discuss the means to be taken to obviate the depression in the +important branch of out-door industry in which, if he did not mistake, +they were all interested. (_Hear, hear!_) That such depression +existed, and was on the increase, there was, unhappily, no doubt--it +was becoming more and more difficult, as they knew without his telling +them, for the steadiest Guy to maintain himself in a proper position, +without extraneous support. He knew, for a fact, that there were +hundreds of Guys at that very moment who, when their present job was +over, would find themselves--through no fault of their own--thrown out +of employment for another twelvemonth, at least. Did they call _that_ +justice? (_No! and groans._) The whole system was iniquitous--the +question was, how they were to put a stop to it. He invited +suggestions from the Audience. + +A Guy said that, in his opinion, their decline was entirely due to +their inability to supply themselves with the apparel necessary and +suitable to their calling. What were their duties? Why, to keep alive +the memory of their famous Founder, the author of the great, and +never-to-be-forgotten Gunpowder Plot--he need hardly say he alluded +to GUIDO FAWKES! (_Enthusiastic and prolonged cheering._) He was no +scholar himself--he had never enjoyed a University education--and he +did not pretend to be an authority on historical costume. Still, he +felt safe in asserting that a Guy who, like himself, was compelled to +represent their glorious Predecessor in an old tail coat, a pair of +baggy tweed trousers, and a pot hat with a hole through the crown, +did so under a cruel disadvantage. He had heard that, in former times, +every Guy was sent out provided, as a matter of course, with a dark +lantern and a box of matches. Who ever saw a Guy so equipped nowadays? +They had been robbed of the very implements of their trade by the +grasping greed of their so-called superiors. (_Shame!_) In his opinion +every Guy had a right to be furnished with the correct costume of +the period--whatever that might be--at the public expense. (_Loud +cheers._) + +A Guy in a Cocked Hat said he did not think the previous speaker had +mentioned the real cause of their fallen fortunes--their _clothes_ +were right enough; they had to thank their own shortsighted policy for +their present position--yes, he was there to speak plainly, as Guy +to Guy, and he told them that it was nothing short of social suicide +for a Guy to carry about a placard, such as he saw too many of them +wearing that evening, inscribed with the name of a recent murderer +or some other popular but ephemeral favourite. (_Some murmuring._) +_That_ was not the way to preserve the name and fame of their revered +Chief. No; let every Guy be true to himself and his order, let him +indignantly refuse to sully his descent by such vulgar and unworthy +devices, and then--(_Uproar, amidst which the Speaker was compelled to +resume his seat._) + +A Guy in a Blue Mask, who carried a placard bearing the name of +the Ex-Premier, described the remarks of both his brother Guys as +pestilent drivel. It was not clothes that made the Guy. A Guy was a +Guy in any guise! (_Loud cheers._) But no Guy ever rose in the world +yet without combustibles of some sort inside him, and how many of +them ever knew what it was to get their fill of crackers? They were +starving amidst an abundance of squibs! Society was responsible, and +must be forced to do its duty. He had had enough of it, he meant to +get a good blow-out before he was much older, he could tell them, and +if the Government refused to provide it free, he must loot a firework +factory, that was all--he was ready to lead the way--if they would +follow! (_Applause._) + +A Guy in a Yellow Mask said he was in favour of proceeding by +peaceable and constitutional methods if possible. Much could be done +by organising and bringing their grievances before Parliament, with +a view to remedial legislation. They might begin by agitating for +the Franchise. "One Guy, one vote!" would be a popular cry just now, +when some Electoral Reforms were believed to be in contemplation. +Fortunately they had a Home Secretary whom they might reasonably hope +to find sympathetic--he thought they should ascertain his views before +taking any other steps. + +A Guy in a Pink Mask said he had organised till he was sick of it. As +for the Home Secretary, he happened to have headed a deputation to +the Home Office that very afternoon--and what did the Meeting think +was the result? Why, the Home Secretary had declined to receive him! +(_Shame!_) Ah, he might call himself a Radical--but did he treat a Guy +as a Man and a Brother? Did he recognise that, creatures of rags and +shavings as they were, they had their feelings? Not he! they were all +alike, these politicians, directly they got into office. How long, he +asked them, were Guys to be chivied, and harried, and moved along into +back-streets by the brutal minions of a corrupt middle-class? If they +wanted to get their rights, they must make themselves a nuisance to +the Authorities, like other people. It was all very fine to talk about +the Franchise, and "One Guy, one vote!" and all the rest of it, but +they all knew that Home Rule blocked the way at present. They must go +to Trafalgar Square in their thousands; it was the finest place for a +bonfire in all London, and they had been kept out of it long enough. +_He_ meant to go, if he had to be carried there! (_Loud cheers._) + +A Guy in Spectacles and a Tall Hat, said that a demonstration in +the Square would, no doubt, be an excellent way of drawing public +attention to their wrongs. He advised that when they had succeeded +in capturing the Square, they should proceed to pass a resolution +calling upon the London County Council to find instant and permanent +employment for such Guys as were out of work. (_Cheers._) They could +do it easily enough if they liked, and he would tell them how. All +over London, nay, in the very Square itself, there were innumerable +pedestals at present usurped by Statues which were a disgrace to the +Metropolis. All the Council had to do was to remove those Statues from +positions they had so long abused, and promote the most deserving and +destitute Guys to fill their places. (_Uproar._) + +A Guy in Fustian and a Red Comforter rose excitedly to protest against +the last speaker's proposals, which he declared were an insult to +their common Guyhood. They might have come down in the world, but +hitherto, whatever might be said of them, they had, at least, never +rendered themselves publicly ridiculous. Now they were asked to +degrade themselves by accepting the ignominious position of London +Statues! Was there a Guy who would ever hold up his head again, after +such an infamous surrender of his self-respect and independence? +He felt it his duty to denounce the Guy who was guilty of such a +suggestion as a wolf, in sheep's clothing, a base traitor to his +order, and a paid spy! + + [_Intense excitement; charges and countercharges, and vain + attempts by the Chair-guy to restore order. Several Guys, + unable to control their indignation any longer, exploded, and + the Meeting finally dispersed without attempting to pass any + resolution, amidst a scene of indescribable confusion._ + + * * * * * + +A PATRON OF THE GAIETY THEATRE AND MODERN VARIETY EXTRAVAGANZA +SHOW ANTICIPATED BY CHARLES DICKENS.--"There's a lot of feet in +SHAKSPEARE's verse, but there ain't any legs worth mentioning in +SHAKSPEARE's Plays. * * * What the people call dramatic poetry is a +collection of sermons. Do I go to the theatre to be lectured? No, +PIP. If I wanted that, I'd go to church. What's the legitimate object +of the Drama, PIP? Human nature. What are legs? Human nature. Then +let us have plenty of leg-pieces, PIP, and I'll stand by you, my +buck!"--_Martin Chuzzlewit_. + +N.B.--This is the Pip of our puzzle to Dickensian Students last week. +The reference, chapter and verse, was given immediately by Mr. COMYNS +CARR, who, on the spot received his reward, and went away rejoicing. +We regret that there are no second and third prizes, otherwise Messrs. +WALTER WREN and VAN TROMP would have been "placed."--ED. + + * * * * * + +REFRESHERS. + +"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE said, 'The extent to which Refreshers are +carried in these days makes my historical mouth water. In my younger +days at the Bar'--" + +[Illustration] + +(_Cue for Song._) + +"In my younger days at the Bar, Tra la la la!" &c. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW BROOM, AND THE BLACK PEERAGE. + +(_RHYME BY A RAD._) + + [Lord SALISBURY, in his article in the _National Review_ for + November, makes fun of Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON's assertion that + the Government could, at a pinch, secure a majority in the + Upper Chamber by elevating five hundred Sweeps (which Lord + S. calls the "Black Peerage") to the House of Lords, with the + assent of the Crown.] + + Five hundred? Good gracious! there's no need of that. + "Black Peerage," indeed! Though as black as my hat, + They could hardly be blacker than SALISBURY's lot; + But to talk of such sooty recruits is sheer rot. + That bad Upper House to reform--or degrade-- + We don't want the charge of this queer Dark Brigade. + Five hundred? FRED HARRISON, you _are_ a green one! + _I_'d settle the business with _one_ sweep--_a clean one_! + + * * * * * + +THE COURT JESTERS. + +[Illustration: An Inhabitant of Noah's Ark.] + +Thanks to Messrs. SIMS and RALEIGH and the Court Company for a good +hearty laugh, and many of them at their new three-act farcical comedy, +_The Guardsman_. It Raleigh is good, and Sims likely to be in for a +long run. Therefore, congratulations to Mr. CHUDLEIGH, who is in the +proud position of "Sole Lessee and Manager," of the Court. Odd, as a +correspondent remarked in a letter to _Mr. Punch_ last week, is the +coincidental resemblance of the master-motive of the plot to that of +_Incognita_ at the Lyric; viz., the young man refusing to marry the +girl with whom he is really in love, because he is in love with the +very same young lady without knowing her name or anything about her. +But hath not the old Spanish Comedy-writer, GONZALES, used it three +times? hath not his fellow-countryman, VEGA MORVEGA, used it in his +now obsolete play of _The Distressed Mother_? and hath not VODENDOL, +the Norwegian dramatist, absolutely nauseated us with it, not to +mention its constant use by that imitation of GOLDONI, Count ERFITO +D'ALUMINIO? And to come nearer home, did not the German--but why +pursue the "motive" until you run it to earth, and even then it won't +be killed, but will be flourishing thousands of years hence, when the +New Zealand playwright among the ruins of London shall take up his +note-book and commence a scenario on the old, but to him, quite +original idea. + +[Illustration: Arthur Cecil's Collard Head a la G.O.M.] + +Then, in the last Act of _The Guardsman_, if we have a French room +with half-a-dozen doors, leading to half-a-dozen different places, +with which arrangement not a few of us are familiar in pieces brought +over fresh from the Palais Royal, and occurring in farces of which +_Bebe_, _Anglice Betsey_, at the Gymnase and Criterion is a type, +shall we complain? Shall we not rather laugh heartily over the good +old game of Hide-and-Seek, which on the stage is invariably the cause +of much amusement to one person for whom, at all events, I can answer? +What does it matter if to some it recalls a few farcical comedies all +excellent material? Not a bit! I gather from the genuine laughter and +applause of the crowded house at the Court, that this amuses and will +continue to amuse some hundreds nightly, as long as it is all done so +well, and at such high pressure, as it is now in _The Guardsman_. The +First Act is good; the Second is the best; but the Third is like the +last figure in an after-supper early-in-the-morning Lancers, ending +in a whirligig _galop_, when everything is fast and furious, and just +the tune and its measure taken _prestissimo_ and _fortissimo_ keep the +couples going till everybody is breathless and exhausted. + +[Illustration: Miss Ellaline Terriss with her Special Train--to be +continued in our next.] + +WEEDON GROSSMITH is excellent. In brief, he plays the part of a +thorough donkey, who wishes to appear "horsey." ARTHUR CECIL is +admirable as the Ex-Judge of the Divorce Court--suggesting the idea +of a gay old gentleman, who is still a bit of a dog--but a dog who +has had his day. If this is not his character, how is it he is on such +friendly terms with the _Modiste_, carefully played, and with great +spirit too, by Miss AGNES THOMAS? Mr. ELLIOT is all go and bustle; if +he were not so, pop would go the piece. The makeup of Mr. LITTLE for +the old Captain is uncommonly good; it is a small part, but, with +a LITTLE in it, it is big. Mr. NAMBY, as the Irishman, _Miles_, +first-rate; quite _Miles gloriosus_. But I can't go on with praise, +they're all so good, and ELLALINE TERRISS charming. Miss CAROLINE +HILL, fresher than the proverbial paint, makes a rattling part of +_Lady Jones_, and, as the motto of this Company is that of Racing +Eights, "Swing, swing together!"--which might, in another sense, have +been the refrain sung by a brazen band of Highwaymen in the good old +times--it is likely that they'll keep the Court-Boat going the pace, +with the tide of popular favour, for many months to come. + +As a Postscript, I may add a letter on the subject addressed to _Mr. +Punch_. + +_Oct. 25th._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +In the admirable letter of "AN OLD SOLDIER" in your paper this +week, there are a few unimportant errors due, no doubt, to your +Correspondent's age, and the shortness of memory consequent upon it +that mar, in a measure, the trenchant force of his criticism. I feel +sure he will pardon my reminding him that the Coldstream Guards do +_not_ wear varnished or patent-leather boots with a tunic, except +in "_Levee_ dress;" that Mr. CHARLES WARNER did not play a private +soldier in "the same distinguished regiment," but in the Grenadiers; +that a Captain could never, by any possibility be "on guard" at the +Tower; that the officer on duty at the Tower is called the "Picquet," +and not the "Orderly" officer, and is never a Captain; that no +Guardsman has ever, in the memory of man, worn a "scarf" in uniform; +and that no soldier, worthy of the name, considers the mess of his own +Battalion "an odd sort of place to dine at," even "in the height of +the Season." + +I may add that my mother tells me she has often had her Court-dress +altered on the very morning of the "Drawing-Room." With these few +trifling exceptions, "AN OLD SOLDIER's" letter is most accurate and +just. + +I am, Dear _Mr. Punch_, Your enthusiastic Admirer, + +A PRESENT GUARDSMAN. + + * * * * * + +"HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"--Last Friday, a Correspondent of the P.M.G., +onboard the _Angola_, interviewed "the Marine-mystery, the +Sea-serpent," off the West Coast of Africa. It showed "two tremendous +green eyes." The narrator counts upon there being a considerable +amount of green in the eyes of those who don't happen to be +Sea-serpents--unless after using very strong glasses (hot) and plenty +of 'em. + + * * * * * + +"WE ARE NOTHING IF NOT CORRECT."--In last week's number the title +of Picture, p. 198, should have been "Studies in _Contrapuntal_ (not +'Continental') Perspective;" and at p. 201, in EFFIE's reply to the +Governess, "AN" was a misprint for "no." This information will relieve +a vast number of perplexed inquirers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GENTLE EGOTIST. + +_The Doctor_. "AND WHICH OF YOU TWO LADIES IS THE INVALID?" + +_Elder Sister_. "I'M SORRY TO SAY IT'S _ME_, DOCTOR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ROAD TO RUIN; + +_OR, THE REAL MILITARY LONG-DISTANCE RIDE._ + + ["A quarter of a century hence, France will have more than + four million trained soldiers, and Russia more than four + millions and a half. We may deplore, as we will, this + conversion of Europe into a vast camp, but the German + Government, witnessing the development of such colossal armies + on either hand, cannot be said to propose anything excessive + or unnecessary when it asks, as it now does, for the + means of raising the trained soldiers of the Empire to + 4,400,000."--_The "Times" on the German Army Bills._] + + Ride on! Ride on! "Tis a pace will kill! + Like Smuggler BILL and Exciseman GILL, + In the _Ingoldsby Legends_, you ride a race + On a perilous path, at a breakneck pace, + In a mingled spirit of hate and fear, + Too hot to heed, and too deaf to hear; + With a fierce red eye on each other cast, + And a rate of going that _cannot_ last, + On a road that leads, as such roads lead all, + To a crumbling cliff, and a crashing fall. + + "The Road to Ruin? Pooh! preacher trite! + 'Tis a gallant race, and in glorious flight, + With the clinkety-clank of scabbard and spur, + O'er moor and meadow, by linden and fir, + With the wind of speed blowing brisk in one's face, + A Long-Distance Ride is a soul-stirring race!" + + Verily yes,--for the riders gay, + Saddled softly, in armed array, + Hand on the bridle, heel at the flank, + And that martial music, clinkety-clank! + Charming the ear in galloping time + With the hoofs' hard rattle in clattering chime. + Clumpety-clump! Clankety-clink! + Out on the caitiff who'd pause or shrink! + Clinkety-clank! Clumpety-clump! + The stout steed's heart at his ribs may thump, + In spasms the breath through his nostrils pump, + The strained neck droop, though 'tis held at stretch, + The labouring lungs in sheer agony fetch + Blood-mixed breathings, red-dappled foam,-- + Let the lash descend, let the spur strike home! + Are they not _racing_? Is not their pride + Engaged in winning _this_ Long-Distance Ride? + + _Excessive_? No! Who dares hint so? + The going's hot, and the steeds must _go_! + Chargers entered for such a race + Must not complain of the pounding pace; + Must not grumble at crushing weight. + Yes; they appear in a piteous state, + Almost foundered, and well nigh blown, + With the burden big o'er their shoulders thrown. + Ever swelling, like miser's sacks; + But why have horses such broad strong backs, + If not to _bear_--to the death at need, + Though lungs may choke, and though flanks may bleed? + Ride, ye _militaires_, ruthlessly ride! + Shouting Emperors hail with pride, + "Gallant" riders, who lash and goad + Their staggering steeds on this desperate road; + Their whips are wet, and their spur-points gory, + But--beasts must bleed, in the name of Glory! + + Beasts of burden, ye peoples, still + Ridden hard by a ruthless will! + Militarism is mounted firm. + The saddled slaves may shudder and squirm, + The bridled brutes may shy and shrink, + The road is long, and the gulf's black brink + Seems distant yet, and is scarcely seen + By the rival riders, whose pride and spleen + Blind them--save to each other's glare, + To the pace they make, and the weight they bear, + Those hot-urged horses! Lash and goad, + Rash riders!--but, at the end of the road, + When the growing burden's last possible pound + Is piled; when the steed's last staggering bound + Is made, when the last short, labouring breath + Is breathed, when over, in shuddering death, + The charger rolls, with a sickening crash, + And responds no more to the spur or lash; + And the gulf yawns close, sheer slope to air, + Black, unavoidable, ruinous there-- + Then, gallant rider, how will _you_ fare? + + * * * * * + +IN THE COUNTY COUNCIL. + + CHARRINGTON forgot his manners, + Pleading for the _Jolly Tanners_; + He gave his tongue, at serious cost, + The Licence which the _Tanners_ lost. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TROUBLES OF STALKING!! + +_Irate Gillie_ (_on discovering in the distance, for the third time +that morning, a "Brute of a Man" moving about in his favourite bit of +"Forest"_). "OH! DEIL TAKE THE PEOPLE! COME AWA,' MUSTER BROWN, SIR; +_IT'S JUST PEKKADILLY!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +AN AUTUMN AFTERNOON + +AT NAZARETH HOUSE. + + O wealthy and world-weary triflers, O idle and opulent folk, + For whom time is a foe to be slain, and life's self but a bore or + a joke, + Take yourselves, and your hearts, and your purses to Nazareth + House and behold + The brave service of well-bestowed time, the brave uses of + well-applied gold! + + Where is Nazareth House, then, and what? 'Tis in Hammersmith, + Madam, a place + That you probably seldom illume with the light of your beautiful + face. + But _what_? That's a far larger question, full answer to which + would take time. + Far better go see for yourself. If there's aught of the moral + sublime + In these gold-grubbing days, 'tis in scenes where love-service + unbought and unpaid-- + A vastly unbusiness-like thing in the eyes of the vassals of + Trade!-- + Is devoted in silence unseen to the outcast, the old, and the poor. + Five hundred such waifs are here housed, and _they yearn to find + refuge for more!_ + That's the pith of the matter, dear Madam! And as for the rest, + I've returned + From a visit, and fancy your heart, like my own, would have + lightened and burned! + Had you walked through the wards, as I walked, with a Sister as + frank and unfeigned + As sweet Charity's servant should be. There was nothing o'er + piously strained + In this unrigid Refuge for helplessness. Cheeriness, confidence, + mirth + Seemed to reign in these child-crowded rooms--in these wards where + the aged, whose birth + Dated well-nigh a century back, whether sewing, or smoking, or prone + On the pallet of sickness, all _smiled_, and no soul seemed + forlorn or alone. + How they sang, those close clustering toddlers, their curly heads + tier above tier, + With never a trace of restraint, and unknowing the shadow of fear! + Here timidity checks not the young, and here weariness haunts not + the old. + There is laughter on age-shrivelled lips, and the eyes of mere + babies are bold + With the confidence born but of love. Even imbeciles, helpless and + blind, + Shut out at each sense from full life, yet can feel unseen + tendance is _kind_, + And sit silently placid, or burst into song of a heart-searching + sort-- + Muffled speech from unplumbed spirit-depths, yet inspired by the + impulse of sport. + Have a chat, my dear Madam--shrink not, they are women!--with + age-wrinkled dames, + Who are busily bed-quilting here, while the Autumn sun ruddily + flames + On the walls from the liberal windows. Bestow but a smile and a + jest, + They'll respond with a jest and a smile, for there's life in each + age-burdened breast, + And confidence, comfort, and cheer. Here again clustered close + round the fire + Are a number of grizzle-look'd men, every one is a true "hoary + sire," + Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of + speech; + And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge + a-piece. + For the comforting weed KINGSLEY eulogised is not taboo in this + place, + Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's face. + Ah! the tale is o'erlong for full telling; but never a bright + afternoon + In London's chill leaf-strewn October was better bestowed. 'Tis a + boon + To be able to speak on behalf of Samaritan kindness so schemed, + In a way in which lovers of man, not of mummeries, ever have + dreamed. + On such wise, wide, benevolent lines, with no bondage of class or + of creed. + But the helpless Five Hundred still swell, and the Sisterhood feel + sorest need + Of enlarging their borders and branches. The children especially + swarm, + And for every poor, pale, helpless mite, who can here find a + pallet and form, + Home, food, clothing, schooling, life-settlement, _love_, there + are hundreds for whom + And their piteous appeal the response must unwillingly come, "No + more room!", + Room, not in their hearts but their wards is this unselfish + Sisterhood's lack; + There you, my dear Madam, can help, if your purse-strings a little + you'll slack. + The Home for Poor Age, Helpless Childhood, Incurable Sickness, + depends + Not on fees or on wealthy endowments, but alms and free service of + friends. + Gifts, not only of money, but garments and furniture, beds, + tables, chairs, + The Nazareth ladies will welcome--Come! Is there a Christian who + cares + For God's poor and the Christ-welcomed children, who will not + respond in some way + To the modest appeal of these ladies, who care for the Waif and + the Stray? + + * * * * * + +TO MANKIND IN GENERAL-- + +THEREFORE TO MR. GLADSTONE IN PARTICULAR. + +[Illustration] + + (_See Speech by Miss Cozens at Meeting of Woman's Emancipation + Union at Birmingham, Oct. 27._) + + The time is come, beware of "us," + There's thunder in the air; + Your future's in the care of "us;" + Beware of "us"--beware! + + We'll cease to coax and "Cozen" you + By fascinating smiles, + And gaily now impose on you + By dynamitic wiles. + + * * * * * + +A JUDGE'S LAMENT. + +[Q.B.D. = QUEEN'S BENCH DIVISION.] + + After the labours of Vacation, + Ten long weeks with nothing to do, + I feel that I need some recreation, + I'll sit in Court for a week or two: + It's just as well, now and then, + To show yourself to the public ken. + Ah me! who would be + Judge of the High Court, Q B.D.? + + But it's tiring work to sit on the Bench, + Hearing the Counsel, day by day, + Canting and ranting, while they clench + Their fists, and thump and hammer away: + Be their arguments weak or strong, + Whatever I say I'm in the wrong. + Ah me! who would be, + A badgered Judge of the Q.B.D.? + + Whenever I crack a judicial jest, + Witnesses, jurors, suitors smile, + They quite understand I do my best, + A wearisome action to beguile: + "Silks" and "Juniors" seem to force, + A jeering laugh as a matter of course. + Ah me! who would be, + A jocular Judge of the Q.B.D.? + + The public, solicitors, counsel, frown + And grumble and growl at the law's delay; + I'm never allowed to stop in town, + Off on Circuit I'm hurried away: + Election Petitions I'm made to judge, + On Irish Commissions I have to drudge. + Ah me! who would be, + A toiling Judge of the Q.B.D.? + + To a _cause celebre_ I don't object, + Leaders of fashion around me sit, + My robes and ermine command respect, + I rather fancy I'm making a hit: + I feel there's a chance of getting, who knows? + Into _Vanity Fair_ or Madame Tussaud's. + Ah me! who would not be, + A popular Judge of the Q.B.D.? + + When the Sittings are in full swing, I'm bound, + From half past ten till the clock strikes four, + In Court or in Chambers to be found, + With half an hour for my lunch or more: + Summons and motion and cause I hear, + I'm only paid, five thousand a-year! + Many a man would like to be, + Judge of the High Court Q.B.D. + + * * * * * + +ANTI-TEETOTAL OPERA, "_Eugene Onegin_" at the Olympic. Will it be +followed by _Ourjane Twobrandi_? and subsequently, by the celebrated +Opera, _Lotowiski_? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ethel_ (_who has picked up a few sporting phrases, +and thinks she can instruct her Governess_). "NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD +FROM MUMMY, BUT I'VE HEARD FROM POPPA. HE HAS KILLED 137 GROUSE, BUT I +DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE BRACES."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"For graphic touch and keen appreciation of humour, for easy +conversational narration, give me," quoth the Baron, "the papers +now being published in _Household Words_ (most appropriate place for +them), written by MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and Magistrate." His paper +on Ramsgate, telling how he travelled down, who his companions +were, is as thoroughly amusing and interesting as his tribute to +the health-giving climate of Ramsgate is true. These papers under +the comprehensive title of "Round London," are to be republished in +book-form by, as I believe, Messrs. MACMILLAN, and assuredly they will +be as popular as were the same author's "Leaves" and "Later Leaves." +False sentiment, MONTAGU WILLIAMS, as man or magistrate, does not +encourage. "Strongly do I recommend his 'Round London,'" says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"THE MORRIS DANCE."--NEW FIGURE.--The _Premier Danseur_, holding +laurel-crown, dances up to WILLIAM MORRIS offering him the +laurel-crown. Will MORRIS? MORRIS won't. Premier retires gracefully, +and is seen approaching LEWIS MORRIS. + + * * * * * + +TO SOME AUTHORS. + + "How did I like that book?" I gained, + From reading it, joy unrestrained; + 'Twas perfect--had it but contained + An Index! + + Brilliant, yet also erudite, + Profound, in facts, in diction light, + Why failed its writer to indite + An Index? + + 'Twas history, on its social side, + With stories, good to quote, supplied, + Yet how quote anything, denied + An Index? + + A book that "He who reads might run"-- + MACAULAY, BOSWELL, GREEN, in one! + Its Printer, too--what made _him_ shun + An Index? + + I missed a date, harked back. "A fad!" + You'll say? Perhaps. It made _me_ mad. + My hunt was vain, because, it had + No Index. + + O Authors of instructive chat, + Supply this want when next you're at + A book! "_Bis dat qui cito dat_," + An Index. + + * * * * * + +OUR NEW EXAM. + +Answer any three of the following five questions:-- + +I. (_a._) What is a cassowary? (_b._) Does its internal construction +render it capable of anthropophagy? (_c._) Describe its habits, nature +and food, and draw an outline sketch of its skeleton. + +II. (_a._) Give the latitude and longitude of Timbuctoo. (_b._) State +the number and religious belief of its inhabitants. (_c._) Discuss +its natural advantages; (i.), as a port, and (ii.) as a centre for +missionary enterprise. + +III. (_a._) Is a missionary best when served (i.) _au naturel_; (ii.) +_a la maitre d'hotel_, or, (iii.) _aux petites livrettes de psaumes_? +Discuss the advantages of each method of preparation; (_b._) Quote any +advice given by (i.) LUCULLUS, or (ii.) EPICURUS on this subject. + +IV. What version of the Prayer-book is in use amongst the natives of +Central Africa? + +V. Discuss the authorship of the poem entitled _Timbuctoo_, and adduce +any reasons for believing JULIUS CAESAR to have written it. + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER PAPER.--MR. NEWNES is bringing out a rival to the _Pall +Mall Gazette_, Is it to be published before the _P.M.G._, or later in +the day? If the first, its title might be _The Noon's Paper_; if the +latter, _The After-Newnes Paper_. Whichever you like, my little dear! +Mr. N. pays his money and takes his choice. Anyhow, "NEWNES' Paper" is +a marketable commodity. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HUNTING SEASON. THE MEET.] + + * * * * * + +THE STEPNEY THAT COSTS. + + ["The circumstances will indeed have to be very remarkable + to take two Judges into Stepney."--_Baron Pollock, re Stepney + Election Petition, Oct. 26._] + + I chanced to meet a man the other day, + Whose store of legal knowledge was amazing, + He stormed at me in quite the stormiest way, + With, fiery indignation simply blazing. + I wondered if he'd lost his (legal) hair + (Forgive the phrase) against a demi-rep? Nay! + They'd really ventured to presume to dare + To ask a Judge or two to go to Stepney! + + Now if it had been merely Peekham Rye, + They would have gone at once, and gone right gladly. + Then Brondesbury, Barnet--New or High,-- + Or Shepherd's Bush would not have done so badly. + Penge would have brought the Crystal Palace near, + And Kensington's Olympia made their soul burn, + They'd have enjoyed the jaunt to Greenwich Pier, + And Heaven had been synonymous with Holborn. + + Oh! had it been Soho or Maida Vale + It would have been of course another story. A + Delightful trip to Euston could not fail + To please as much as Broad Street or Victoria. + Belgravia would have suited very well, + They could have done with Balham, Bow, or Brixton, + With Flower-laden Battersea. But tell + Me if you can--oh! why was Stepney fixt on? + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S VISIT TO IRELAND. + +[Illustration: "I was that staggered, that I could 'ardly answer +him."] + +Well, it isn't for one like me to say as how as good luck means wirtue +rewarded, cos I have, in my long xperiense, seen not a werry few cases +where it wasn't so--no, not by no manner of means. + +But this I can most trewly say, that my slice of luck during this +larst munth is worthy of being called a reel staggerer! And this is +how it cum about:-- + +The Amerrycain Gent, at the Grand Hotel, wanted a change for about a +weak or two, and he naterally arsked me what he shood do. I made lots +of wise suggeshons, in course, such as Margate, and Grinnidge, and +Hern Bay, and other hily arristercratick places, but they none on 'em +woodn't do. So presently he calls out, "Did you ever go to Ireland?" +I was that staggered, that I coud ardly arnser him; but then I says, +"Yes, Sir--but it were sum time ago." Then he staggers me much more +wiolently, for he says, says he, "Why shoudn't you go with me then, +and be my Wally!" When I recovered my breth, I says, "I don't know +as our gentelmanly Manager here woud spare me." So he says, "I'll +soon see about that." So he rings the bell wiolently, and arsks +for him--and he cums--and, to my serprize, he doesn't make not no +objecshun at all, which was, in course, werry complementary to me, +and, strange to say, no more did Mrs. ROBERT, when I told her of it. + +Well, I passes over all prelimmenerry derangements, till we finds +ourselves on board a lovly steemer, bound for Old Ireland, as we allus +calls her, tho' I don't spose as she's any older than the rest on us. +It was that ruff that I perposed waitin till the sea got smooth; but +my Master ony larft, and sed I shood be all rite if I follered his +adwice, as he was used to the sea, and rayther liked it a little +ruffish. So he got me a sheet of brown paper to put on my manly chest, +and gave me some champane, and one glass of Perettic Sline, I think he +called it, and, with their ade, I got over much better than I xpected. + +We went as strate as we coud go to the Lakes of Killarny, and if that +isn't jest about as lovly a plaice as the hole world can show, why +then let sumbody show me another as is. If anyboddy arsked me if it +never rained there, truth wood make me say yes, it most suttenly does +sumtimes, but then so it does ewerywheres in ollidy time excep where +it's most speshally wanted. + +My Guvner's fust harty larf was at dinner on the fust day, when he +told me to ring for sum pepper. TIM the Waiter arnsered the bell, and +I told him what was wanted, and I scarce xpecs to be bleeved when I +says, as he cums back and he says, says he, "If you plase, Sir, sure +the Pepper's engaged!" I thort the Guvner wood ha larfed hisself +hill, but he soon recovered, and said, "Thin niver mind TIM, we'll +do without it to-day, but let us have fust turn at it to-morrow." +"Suttenly, your honour," says TIM, and wanishes. + +The next day, after driving us round the naybourhood, he came in +without being arsked, and goes to the fire and warms his hands, and +then says with a broad grin, "Sure it's a jolly lucky cupple as you +are, for the rains a bustin down like thunder!" When handing the +unpeeled Potatows to the Guvner he wood pint his finger at one and +say, "That's a rale buty, Sir!" + +I spose as the Guvner was rayther libberal to TIM, when we left, as +all reel gennelmen allus is, for the tears acshally came into the +pore feller's eyes, and he blessed us both, and wished as a few more +genelman like _us_ woud sumtimes wisit poor old Ireland! + +We stayed about a fortnight, but we didn't see another Waiter like +poor TIM, who was the werry fust humane being as hever called me a +gennelman, pore feller! but we had a werry nice time of it on the +hole, which I may p'raps elude to sum day, when things ain't quite so +brisk as they is just now, and I must say as my Guvner behaved like +the reel Gennelman as he is, when we cum for to settel up. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +SECUNDUM HARTY. + + ["I have even gone so low as 1d. a course ... with enough + success as to elicit effusive eulogies from some distinguished + literary persons ..."--_Mr. Ernest Hart in "Where are the + Cooks?"--Daily Graphic, Oct. 18._] + + Oh! where are the Cooks; where on earth can they be? + Pray, hark to the Housekeeper's pitiful moan. + Mr. HART seems to know, and he tells us, with glee, + Of a plan which is his, and is his, too, alone. + It's a plan for a dinner, that's easily shown + To be cheap, and of pleasure the joy-giving source, + 'Tis a wonderful plan--hear the epicure groan-- + It costs just exactly one penny a course. + + The dinner's Hartistic. Sweet HART says that he + Had a meal fit to soften the heart of a stone, + There were guests men of letters, and lofty degree-- + Who wore pleased, and not only saw fit to condone, + But who ransacked each country, land, continent, zone, + For encomiums of praise, till they really grew hoarse. + But would they have done so, had only they known + It cost just exactly one penny a course? + + Yes, a penny a head. It's not easy to see + How it's done for the price of a bun or a scone. + When the Mistress and Cook find it hard to agree, + And the former of these is provokingly prone + With the latter to pick a most terrible bone, + When it seems that disaster must follow perforce, + Oh! whisper them this in a Hart rending tone-- + It costs just exactly one penny a course! + +L'ENVOI. + + O Host, if all other ideas have flown, + Remember this plan as a final resource, + Be Harty! Be Earnest! Make _his_ plan your own! + It costs just exactly one penny a course! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL ART OF BOOK-KEEPING.--Never to lend! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +103, November 5, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 15677.txt or 15677.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/7/15677/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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