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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+November 5, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, November 5, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 21, 2005 [EBook #15677]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+November 5, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
+
+LUNCH (_continued_).--Perhaps the best piece of advice that I can
+give you, my young friend, is that--for conversational purposes--you
+should make a careful study of the natures and temperaments of your
+companions. Watch their little peculiarities, both of manner and of
+shooting; pick up what you can about their careers in sport and in
+the general world, and use the knowledge so acquired with tact and
+discretion when you are talking to them. For instance, if one of the
+party is a celebrated shot, who has done some astonishing record at
+driven grouse, you may, after the necessary preliminaries, ask him
+to be good enough to tell you what was the precise number of birds he
+shot on that occasion. Tell him, if you like, that the question arose
+the other day during a discussion on the three finest game-shots of
+the world. If you happen to know that he shot eighteen hundred birds,
+you can say that most people fixed the figure at fifteen hundred.
+He will then say,--"Ah, I know most people seem to have got that
+notion--I don't know why. As a matter of fact, I managed to get
+eighteen hundred and two, and they picked up twenty-two on the
+following morning." Your obvious remark is, "By Jove!" (with a strong
+emphasis on the "by") "what magnificent shooting!" After that, the
+thing runs along of its own accord. With a bad shot your method is,
+of course, quite different. For example:--
+
+_Young Shot_. I must say I like the old style of walking up your birds
+better than driving, especially in a country like this. I never saw
+such difficult birds as we had this morning. You seemed to have the
+worst of the luck everywhere.
+
+_Bad Shot_. Yes--they didn't come my way much. But I don't get much
+practice at this kind of thing--and a man's no good without practice.
+
+_Y.S._ That was a deuced long shot, all the same, that you polished
+off in the last drive. When I saw him coming at about a hundred miles
+an hour, I thanked my stars he wasn't my bird. What a thump he fell!
+
+_B.S._ Oh, he was a fairly easy shot, though a bit far off. I daresay
+I should do well enough if I only got more shooting. I'm not shooting
+with my own gun, though. It's one of my brother's, and it's rather
+short in the stock for me.
+
+That starts you comfortably with the Bad Shot. You soothe his ruffled
+vanity, and give him a better appetite for lunch.
+
+Now, besides the Good Shot, and the Bad Shot--the two extremes, as
+it were, of the line of shooters--you might subdivide your sportsmen
+further into--
+
+(1.) _The Jovial Shot._ This party is on excellent terms with himself
+and with everybody else. Generally he shoots fairly well, but there
+is a rollicking air about him, which disarms criticism, even when
+he shoots badly. He knows everybody, and talks of most people by
+nick-names. His sporting anecdotes may be counted upon for, at any
+rate, a _succes d'estime_. "I never laughed so much in my life," he
+begins, "as I did last Tuesday. There were four of us--Old SANDY,
+BUTCHER BILL, DICK WHORTLEBURY, and myself. SANDY was driving us back
+from Dillwater Hall--you know, old PUFFINGTON's place--where we'd been
+dining. Devilish dark night it was, and SANDY's as blind as a bat.
+When we got to the Devil's Punchbowl I knew there'd be some warm
+games, 'cos the horse started off full tilt, and, before you could say
+knife, over we went. I pitched, head first, into DICK's stomach, and
+SANDY and BILL went howling down like a right and left of rabbits.
+Lord, I laughed till the tears ran down my face. No bones broken, but
+the old BUTCHER's face got a shade the worst of it with a thorn-bush
+on the slope. Cart smashed into matchwood, of course."
+
+(2.) _The Dressy Shot._ Wonderful in the boot, stocking, and gaiter
+department. Very tasteful, too, in the matter of caps and ties. May
+be flattered by an inquiry as to where he got his gaiters, and if they
+are an idea of his own. Sometimes bursts out into a belt covered with
+silver clasps. Fancy waistcoats a speciality. His smoking-suit, in
+the evening, is a dream of gorgeous rainbows. Is sometimes a very fair
+shot. Generally wears gloves, and a fair moustache.
+
+(3.) _The Bored Shot._ A good sportsman, who says he doesn't care
+about sport. Often has literary tastes. Has views of his own, and is,
+consequently, looked upon as a rather dangerous idealist by honest
+country gentlemen, who confine their reading to an occasional peep at
+the _Times_, and an intimate quoting acquaintance with the novels of
+Mr. SURTEES. Often shocks his companions by telling them he really
+doesn't care much about killing things, and would just as soon let
+them off. However, he shows a perfectly proper anger if he misses
+frequently. Is not unlikely to be an authority on sheep and oxen, and
+may, perhaps, be accepted as the Conservative Candidate for his County
+division, dumb but indignant County magnates finding that he expresses
+their views better than they can do it themselves. Don't talk to
+him about sport. Try him with books, interesting articles in the
+Magazines, and so forth.
+
+(4.) _The Soldier Shot._ This kind is generally a Captain, dresses
+well, but not gaudily, and smokes big cigars. There seems to be a
+general idea that a man who can teach privates to shoot targets must
+be able to shoot game himself. Yet the Soldier Shot misses birds
+quite beautifully. He will have often shot big game in India with
+an accuracy that increases in proportion to the number of miles that
+separate him from the scene of his exploits. After all, the ability
+to "brown" a herd of elephants does not guarantee rights and lefts at
+partridges. Apt to declaim tersely and forcibly about the hardships of
+a military career.
+
+(5.) _The Average Shot._ Talk to him about average matters, unless you
+hear he is a celebrity in some other branch of sport. In that case,
+get details from him of his last Alpine climb, or his latest run to
+hounds, or ask his views on racing matters. Most average shots go
+racing, and think they understand all about it.
+
+I say nothing here about the Dangerous Shot, because it is never
+right to get within talking distance of him. In fact, he ought not to
+be talked to at all. I am not sure he ought to be allowed to live.
+Still, his exploits furnish material for many an animated conversation
+amongst the survivors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: --"ANIMIS COELESTIBUS IRAE!"
+
+A MODERN SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION.
+
+_Miss Fanny_ (_a gentle and most veracious Child_). "YAH! YOU CRUEL
+COWARD! YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SKINNED A LIVE FROG!"
+
+_Master Victor_ (_an industrious but very touchy little Boy_). "YOU'RE
+A LIAR! THE FROG WAS DEAD, AND _YOU KNOW IT!_"
+
+_Miss Fanny._ "BOOHOO! WHETHER IT WAS DEAD OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT
+TO CALL NAMES; 'COS I'M A GIRL, AND CAN'T PUNCH YOUR HEAD!"
+
+_Master Victor._ "IT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL THAT _I_ CAN'T
+PUNCH _YOURS_! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CALLED ME A
+COWARD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CABINET MEET.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BUCKJUMPERISH SENSATION.
+
+    [It is rumoured that some of BUFFALO BILL's Broncos have been
+    bought by the Cab Proprietors of London.]
+
+_Cabby._ "SIT STILL, SIR! THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' TO WOT 'E _CAN_ DO.
+YOU'LL SEE 'IM TURN 'EAD OVER 'EELS PRESENTLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF POLICE;
+
+_OR, WHAT IT MAY COME TO._
+
+    SCENE--_Trafalgar Square just before sunset. Police in
+    abundance; number of Processionists in various parts of the
+    open space seen to be dispersing._
+
+_Police Inspector._ Now, my good friends, I am going to be as polite
+as possible, but I must obey the regulations of the Commissioners of
+Her Majesty's Works and Public Buildings. And I say you cannot speak,
+because you have not given proper notice to the authorities.
+
+_First Orator._ But I have--I tell you I wrote to the Commissioner
+four days ago.
+
+_Pol. In._ Oh, did you? Then that of course alters the case. What are
+you, Sir?
+
+_First Or._ I am the "Friends of the Horny Hands of Labour."
+
+_Pol. In._ (_after referring to note-book_). Ah, I _thought_ I was
+right. Your application came in second, Sir--the "Decayed Washerwomen"
+got in before you. Look here. (_Pointing out regulation._) "Not more
+than one Meeting shall be allowed at the same time, and if notices of
+two or more Meetings are given for the same day, preference shall be
+given to that Meeting of which notice shall have been first received."
+So you see, Sir, you are not in it. Better luck next time. There is
+another Bank Holiday six months hence.
+
+_First Or._ But the "Decayed Washerwomen" are not here, and I--
+
+_Pol. In._ Very sorry. Sir, but you must move on. (First Orator
+_disappears with grumbling followers_.) I say, BILL, I do really think
+these regulations are working quite pleasantly.
+
+_Bill_ (_a subordinate_). Yes, Sir.
+
+_Second Orator._ (_entering hurriedly, accompanied by some aged
+females_). Here, I say, where are we to make speeches?
+
+_Pol. In._ (_genially_). Nowhere, unless you have the proper
+authority. Who may you be when you are at home?
+
+_Second Or._ (_fussily_). Why, the "Decayed Washerwomen," to be sure.
+Now, look sharp, and find us a place to deliver speeches. You know you
+_must_ do it, by order of the--
+
+_Pol. In._ Yes, I know. Well, what do you say to the top of that
+lamp-post?
+
+_Second Or._ Now, none of your chaff. Mind, you are the servants of
+the public, and--
+
+_Pol. In._ Yes--but don't deliver a speech to me--I am not a "Decayed
+Washerwoman."
+
+_Chorus of Indignant Females._ We should think not. It would be a good
+thing if you were!
+
+_Second Or._ Now, look sharp. We have been longer coming than we
+expected. The cabs and omnibuses were so troublesome. Now, where shall
+I stand?
+
+_Pol. In._ (_considering_). Well, I think you would be out of the way
+if you got up there, and spoke to them down below.
+
+    [_Points out elevated position in front of the National
+    Gallery._
+
+_Second Or._ But they won't be able to see, much less to hear me!
+
+_Pol. In._ Can't help that. The Commissioners of Her Majesty's
+Works and Public Buildings don't provide telescopes nor yet
+ear-trumpets.--_Bill_ (_saluting_). Sunset, Sir!
+
+_Pol. In._ There, you see! Thought you would be too late. Time's up.
+Glad to see you another day. But now--move on!
+
+    [_And the Police Regulations are obeyed. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOOD OLD (SUNDAY) TIMES REVIVED.--The specimen number of _The
+Sunday Times_ as it was at its commencement in 1822, given on Sunday,
+October 23rd, 1892, is most interesting. Theatrical advertising was
+quite "a feature" at that time, when only two Theatres, Drury Lane and
+Covent Garden, seem to have advertised. The names there are of EDMUND
+KEAN simply as Mr. KEAN, of Messrs. DOWTON, HARLEY, YOUNG, MUNDEN,
+Mrs. GLOVER, and of Madame VESTRIS as _Ophelia_. BRAHAM is there, as
+also LISTON and Miss STEPHENS. Prize Fights are done in the good old
+Tom-and-Jerry style, and the Police Reports are made so amusing as to
+suggest that such a light touch as is occasionally given in the
+"Day by Day" of the _Daily Telegraph_, might be nowadays welcome in
+(Police) Court News. Altogether, a happy thought to reproduce the
+_Sunday Times_ of 1822, and may the _Sunday Times_ of 1892 live up to
+it, and be "going strong" in 1992! _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUY-FOX POPULI.
+
+[Illustration: "A Guy in Spectacles and a Tall Hat."]
+
+The proceedings of the Midnight Mass Meeting of Unemployed Guys
+at Vauxhall on the fifth of November were of a somewhat disorderly
+nature, several of the speeches being characterised by a distinctly
+incendiary tone, as will be seen from the following account by _Mr.
+Punch's_ Special Reporter, who was present throughout.
+
+The Chair-guy (whose appearance was comparatively respectable) said he
+was proud to occupy the chair--notwithstanding that the bottom was out
+of it. (_Shame!_) Oh. he was used to that, although he could tell the
+meeting he had driven his own donkey-cart once upon a time, if he had
+come down to a wheelbarrow now! (_Cries of "Toff!" and "Aristocrat!"
+from the more extreme Guys._) He did not understand those expressions
+of disapproval--a wheelbarrow with one leg missing was surely an
+unostentatious conveyance enough. Well, they had met that evening
+to discuss the means to be taken to obviate the depression in the
+important branch of out-door industry in which, if he did not mistake,
+they were all interested. (_Hear, hear!_) That such depression
+existed, and was on the increase, there was, unhappily, no doubt--it
+was becoming more and more difficult, as they knew without his telling
+them, for the steadiest Guy to maintain himself in a proper position,
+without extraneous support. He knew, for a fact, that there were
+hundreds of Guys at that very moment who, when their present job was
+over, would find themselves--through no fault of their own--thrown out
+of employment for another twelvemonth, at least. Did they call _that_
+justice? (_No! and groans._) The whole system was iniquitous--the
+question was, how they were to put a stop to it. He invited
+suggestions from the Audience.
+
+A Guy said that, in his opinion, their decline was entirely due to
+their inability to supply themselves with the apparel necessary and
+suitable to their calling. What were their duties? Why, to keep alive
+the memory of their famous Founder, the author of the great, and
+never-to-be-forgotten Gunpowder Plot--he need hardly say he alluded
+to GUIDO FAWKES! (_Enthusiastic and prolonged cheering._) He was no
+scholar himself--he had never enjoyed a University education--and he
+did not pretend to be an authority on historical costume. Still, he
+felt safe in asserting that a Guy who, like himself, was compelled to
+represent their glorious Predecessor in an old tail coat, a pair of
+baggy tweed trousers, and a pot hat with a hole through the crown,
+did so under a cruel disadvantage. He had heard that, in former times,
+every Guy was sent out provided, as a matter of course, with a dark
+lantern and a box of matches. Who ever saw a Guy so equipped nowadays?
+They had been robbed of the very implements of their trade by the
+grasping greed of their so-called superiors. (_Shame!_) In his opinion
+every Guy had a right to be furnished with the correct costume of
+the period--whatever that might be--at the public expense. (_Loud
+cheers._)
+
+A Guy in a Cocked Hat said he did not think the previous speaker had
+mentioned the real cause of their fallen fortunes--their _clothes_
+were right enough; they had to thank their own shortsighted policy for
+their present position--yes, he was there to speak plainly, as Guy
+to Guy, and he told them that it was nothing short of social suicide
+for a Guy to carry about a placard, such as he saw too many of them
+wearing that evening, inscribed with the name of a recent murderer
+or some other popular but ephemeral favourite. (_Some murmuring._)
+_That_ was not the way to preserve the name and fame of their revered
+Chief. No; let every Guy be true to himself and his order, let him
+indignantly refuse to sully his descent by such vulgar and unworthy
+devices, and then--(_Uproar, amidst which the Speaker was compelled to
+resume his seat._)
+
+A Guy in a Blue Mask, who carried a placard bearing the name of
+the Ex-Premier, described the remarks of both his brother Guys as
+pestilent drivel. It was not clothes that made the Guy. A Guy was a
+Guy in any guise! (_Loud cheers._) But no Guy ever rose in the world
+yet without combustibles of some sort inside him, and how many of
+them ever knew what it was to get their fill of crackers? They were
+starving amidst an abundance of squibs! Society was responsible, and
+must be forced to do its duty. He had had enough of it, he meant to
+get a good blow-out before he was much older, he could tell them, and
+if the Government refused to provide it free, he must loot a firework
+factory, that was all--he was ready to lead the way--if they would
+follow! (_Applause._)
+
+A Guy in a Yellow Mask said he was in favour of proceeding by
+peaceable and constitutional methods if possible. Much could be done
+by organising and bringing their grievances before Parliament, with
+a view to remedial legislation. They might begin by agitating for
+the Franchise. "One Guy, one vote!" would be a popular cry just now,
+when some Electoral Reforms were believed to be in contemplation.
+Fortunately they had a Home Secretary whom they might reasonably hope
+to find sympathetic--he thought they should ascertain his views before
+taking any other steps.
+
+A Guy in a Pink Mask said he had organised till he was sick of it. As
+for the Home Secretary, he happened to have headed a deputation to
+the Home Office that very afternoon--and what did the Meeting think
+was the result? Why, the Home Secretary had declined to receive him!
+(_Shame!_) Ah, he might call himself a Radical--but did he treat a Guy
+as a Man and a Brother? Did he recognise that, creatures of rags and
+shavings as they were, they had their feelings? Not he! they were all
+alike, these politicians, directly they got into office. How long, he
+asked them, were Guys to be chivied, and harried, and moved along into
+back-streets by the brutal minions of a corrupt middle-class? If they
+wanted to get their rights, they must make themselves a nuisance to
+the Authorities, like other people. It was all very fine to talk about
+the Franchise, and "One Guy, one vote!" and all the rest of it, but
+they all knew that Home Rule blocked the way at present. They must go
+to Trafalgar Square in their thousands; it was the finest place for a
+bonfire in all London, and they had been kept out of it long enough.
+_He_ meant to go, if he had to be carried there! (_Loud cheers._)
+
+A Guy in Spectacles and a Tall Hat, said that a demonstration in
+the Square would, no doubt, be an excellent way of drawing public
+attention to their wrongs. He advised that when they had succeeded
+in capturing the Square, they should proceed to pass a resolution
+calling upon the London County Council to find instant and permanent
+employment for such Guys as were out of work. (_Cheers._) They could
+do it easily enough if they liked, and he would tell them how. All
+over London, nay, in the very Square itself, there were innumerable
+pedestals at present usurped by Statues which were a disgrace to the
+Metropolis. All the Council had to do was to remove those Statues from
+positions they had so long abused, and promote the most deserving and
+destitute Guys to fill their places. (_Uproar._)
+
+A Guy in Fustian and a Red Comforter rose excitedly to protest against
+the last speaker's proposals, which he declared were an insult to
+their common Guyhood. They might have come down in the world, but
+hitherto, whatever might be said of them, they had, at least, never
+rendered themselves publicly ridiculous. Now they were asked to
+degrade themselves by accepting the ignominious position of London
+Statues! Was there a Guy who would ever hold up his head again, after
+such an infamous surrender of his self-respect and independence?
+He felt it his duty to denounce the Guy who was guilty of such a
+suggestion as a wolf, in sheep's clothing, a base traitor to his
+order, and a paid spy!
+
+    [_Intense excitement; charges and countercharges, and vain
+    attempts by the Chair-guy to restore order. Several Guys,
+    unable to control their indignation any longer, exploded, and
+    the Meeting finally dispersed without attempting to pass any
+    resolution, amidst a scene of indescribable confusion._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PATRON OF THE GAIETY THEATRE AND MODERN VARIETY EXTRAVAGANZA
+SHOW ANTICIPATED BY CHARLES DICKENS.--"There's a lot of feet in
+SHAKSPEARE's verse, but there ain't any legs worth mentioning in
+SHAKSPEARE's Plays. * * * What the people call dramatic poetry is a
+collection of sermons. Do I go to the theatre to be lectured? No,
+PIP. If I wanted that, I'd go to church. What's the legitimate object
+of the Drama, PIP? Human nature. What are legs? Human nature. Then
+let us have plenty of leg-pieces, PIP, and I'll stand by you, my
+buck!"--_Martin Chuzzlewit_.
+
+N.B.--This is the Pip of our puzzle to Dickensian Students last week.
+The reference, chapter and verse, was given immediately by Mr. COMYNS
+CARR, who, on the spot received his reward, and went away rejoicing.
+We regret that there are no second and third prizes, otherwise Messrs.
+WALTER WREN and VAN TROMP would have been "placed."--ED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REFRESHERS.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE said, 'The extent to which Refreshers are
+carried in these days makes my historical mouth water. In my younger
+days at the Bar'--"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+(_Cue for Song._)
+
+"In my younger days at the Bar, Tra la la la!" &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW BROOM, AND THE BLACK PEERAGE.
+
+(_RHYME BY A RAD._)
+
+    [Lord SALISBURY, in his article in the _National Review_ for
+    November, makes fun of Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON's assertion that
+    the Government could, at a pinch, secure a majority in the
+    Upper Chamber by elevating five hundred Sweeps (which Lord
+    S. calls the "Black Peerage") to the House of Lords, with the
+    assent of the Crown.]
+
+  Five hundred? Good gracious! there's no need of that.
+  "Black Peerage," indeed! Though as black as my hat,
+  They could hardly be blacker than SALISBURY's lot;
+  But to talk of such sooty recruits is sheer rot.
+  That bad Upper House to reform--or degrade--
+  We don't want the charge of this queer Dark Brigade.
+  Five hundred? FRED HARRISON, you _are_ a green one!
+  _I_'d settle the business with _one_ sweep--_a clean one_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COURT JESTERS.
+
+[Illustration: An Inhabitant of Noah's Ark.]
+
+Thanks to Messrs. SIMS and RALEIGH and the Court Company for a good
+hearty laugh, and many of them at their new three-act farcical comedy,
+_The Guardsman_. It Raleigh is good, and Sims likely to be in for a
+long run. Therefore, congratulations to Mr. CHUDLEIGH, who is in the
+proud position of "Sole Lessee and Manager," of the Court. Odd, as a
+correspondent remarked in a letter to _Mr. Punch_ last week, is the
+coincidental resemblance of the master-motive of the plot to that of
+_Incognita_ at the Lyric; viz., the young man refusing to marry the
+girl with whom he is really in love, because he is in love with the
+very same young lady without knowing her name or anything about her.
+But hath not the old Spanish Comedy-writer, GONZALES, used it three
+times? hath not his fellow-countryman, VEGA MORVEGA, used it in his
+now obsolete play of _The Distressed Mother_? and hath not VODENDOL,
+the Norwegian dramatist, absolutely nauseated us with it, not to
+mention its constant use by that imitation of GOLDONI, Count ERFITO
+D'ALUMINIO? And to come nearer home, did not the German--but why
+pursue the "motive" until you run it to earth, and even then it won't
+be killed, but will be flourishing thousands of years hence, when the
+New Zealand playwright among the ruins of London shall take up his
+note-book and commence a scenario on the old, but to him, quite
+original idea.
+
+[Illustration: Arthur Cecil's Collard Head a la G.O.M.]
+
+Then, in the last Act of _The Guardsman_, if we have a French room
+with half-a-dozen doors, leading to half-a-dozen different places,
+with which arrangement not a few of us are familiar in pieces brought
+over fresh from the Palais Royal, and occurring in farces of which
+_Bebe_, _Anglice Betsey_, at the Gymnase and Criterion is a type,
+shall we complain? Shall we not rather laugh heartily over the good
+old game of Hide-and-Seek, which on the stage is invariably the cause
+of much amusement to one person for whom, at all events, I can answer?
+What does it matter if to some it recalls a few farcical comedies all
+excellent material? Not a bit! I gather from the genuine laughter and
+applause of the crowded house at the Court, that this amuses and will
+continue to amuse some hundreds nightly, as long as it is all done so
+well, and at such high pressure, as it is now in _The Guardsman_. The
+First Act is good; the Second is the best; but the Third is like the
+last figure in an after-supper early-in-the-morning Lancers, ending
+in a whirligig _galop_, when everything is fast and furious, and just
+the tune and its measure taken _prestissimo_ and _fortissimo_ keep the
+couples going till everybody is breathless and exhausted.
+
+[Illustration: Miss Ellaline Terriss with her Special Train--to be
+continued in our next.]
+
+WEEDON GROSSMITH is excellent. In brief, he plays the part of a
+thorough donkey, who wishes to appear "horsey." ARTHUR CECIL is
+admirable as the Ex-Judge of the Divorce Court--suggesting the idea
+of a gay old gentleman, who is still a bit of a dog--but a dog who
+has had his day. If this is not his character, how is it he is on such
+friendly terms with the _Modiste_, carefully played, and with great
+spirit too, by Miss AGNES THOMAS? Mr. ELLIOT is all go and bustle; if
+he were not so, pop would go the piece. The makeup of Mr. LITTLE for
+the old Captain is uncommonly good; it is a small part, but, with
+a LITTLE in it, it is big. Mr. NAMBY, as the Irishman, _Miles_,
+first-rate; quite _Miles gloriosus_. But I can't go on with praise,
+they're all so good, and ELLALINE TERRISS charming. Miss CAROLINE
+HILL, fresher than the proverbial paint, makes a rattling part of
+_Lady Jones_, and, as the motto of this Company is that of Racing
+Eights, "Swing, swing together!"--which might, in another sense, have
+been the refrain sung by a brazen band of Highwaymen in the good old
+times--it is likely that they'll keep the Court-Boat going the pace,
+with the tide of popular favour, for many months to come.
+
+As a Postscript, I may add a letter on the subject addressed to _Mr.
+Punch_.
+
+_Oct. 25th._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+In the admirable letter of "AN OLD SOLDIER" in your paper this
+week, there are a few unimportant errors due, no doubt, to your
+Correspondent's age, and the shortness of memory consequent upon it
+that mar, in a measure, the trenchant force of his criticism. I feel
+sure he will pardon my reminding him that the Coldstream Guards do
+_not_ wear varnished or patent-leather boots with a tunic, except
+in "_Levee_ dress;" that Mr. CHARLES WARNER did not play a private
+soldier in "the same distinguished regiment," but in the Grenadiers;
+that a Captain could never, by any possibility be "on guard" at the
+Tower; that the officer on duty at the Tower is called the "Picquet,"
+and not the "Orderly" officer, and is never a Captain; that no
+Guardsman has ever, in the memory of man, worn a "scarf" in uniform;
+and that no soldier, worthy of the name, considers the mess of his own
+Battalion "an odd sort of place to dine at," even "in the height of
+the Season."
+
+I may add that my mother tells me she has often had her Court-dress
+altered on the very morning of the "Drawing-Room." With these few
+trifling exceptions, "AN OLD SOLDIER's" letter is most accurate and
+just.
+
+I am, Dear _Mr. Punch_, Your enthusiastic Admirer,
+
+A PRESENT GUARDSMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"--Last Friday, a Correspondent of the P.M.G.,
+onboard the _Angola_, interviewed "the Marine-mystery, the
+Sea-serpent," off the West Coast of Africa. It showed "two tremendous
+green eyes." The narrator counts upon there being a considerable
+amount of green in the eyes of those who don't happen to be
+Sea-serpents--unless after using very strong glasses (hot) and plenty
+of 'em.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WE ARE NOTHING IF NOT CORRECT."--In last week's number the title
+of Picture, p. 198, should have been "Studies in _Contrapuntal_ (not
+'Continental') Perspective;" and at p. 201, in EFFIE's reply to the
+Governess, "AN" was a misprint for "no." This information will relieve
+a vast number of perplexed inquirers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GENTLE EGOTIST.
+
+_The Doctor_. "AND WHICH OF YOU TWO LADIES IS THE INVALID?"
+
+_Elder Sister_. "I'M SORRY TO SAY IT'S _ME_, DOCTOR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO RUIN;
+
+_OR, THE REAL MILITARY LONG-DISTANCE RIDE._
+
+    ["A quarter of a century hence, France will have more than
+    four million trained soldiers, and Russia more than four
+    millions and a half. We may deplore, as we will, this
+    conversion of Europe into a vast camp, but the German
+    Government, witnessing the development of such colossal armies
+    on either hand, cannot be said to propose anything excessive
+    or unnecessary when it asks, as it now does, for the
+    means of raising the trained soldiers of the Empire to
+    4,400,000."--_The "Times" on the German Army Bills._]
+
+  Ride on! Ride on! "Tis a pace will kill!
+  Like Smuggler BILL and Exciseman GILL,
+  In the _Ingoldsby Legends_, you ride a race
+  On a perilous path, at a breakneck pace,
+  In a mingled spirit of hate and fear,
+  Too hot to heed, and too deaf to hear;
+  With a fierce red eye on each other cast,
+  And a rate of going that _cannot_ last,
+  On a road that leads, as such roads lead all,
+  To a crumbling cliff, and a crashing fall.
+
+  "The Road to Ruin? Pooh! preacher trite!
+  'Tis a gallant race, and in glorious flight,
+  With the clinkety-clank of scabbard and spur,
+  O'er moor and meadow, by linden and fir,
+  With the wind of speed blowing brisk in one's face,
+  A Long-Distance Ride is a soul-stirring race!"
+
+  Verily yes,--for the riders gay,
+  Saddled softly, in armed array,
+  Hand on the bridle, heel at the flank,
+  And that martial music, clinkety-clank!
+  Charming the ear in galloping time
+  With the hoofs' hard rattle in clattering chime.
+  Clumpety-clump! Clankety-clink!
+  Out on the caitiff who'd pause or shrink!
+  Clinkety-clank! Clumpety-clump!
+  The stout steed's heart at his ribs may thump,
+  In spasms the breath through his nostrils pump,
+  The strained neck droop, though 'tis held at stretch,
+  The labouring lungs in sheer agony fetch
+  Blood-mixed breathings, red-dappled foam,--
+  Let the lash descend, let the spur strike home!
+  Are they not _racing_? Is not their pride
+  Engaged in winning _this_ Long-Distance Ride?
+
+  _Excessive_? No! Who dares hint so?
+  The going's hot, and the steeds must _go_!
+  Chargers entered for such a race
+  Must not complain of the pounding pace;
+  Must not grumble at crushing weight.
+  Yes; they appear in a piteous state,
+  Almost foundered, and well nigh blown,
+  With the burden big o'er their shoulders thrown.
+  Ever swelling, like miser's sacks;
+  But why have horses such broad strong backs,
+  If not to _bear_--to the death at need,
+  Though lungs may choke, and though flanks may bleed?
+  Ride, ye _militaires_, ruthlessly ride!
+  Shouting Emperors hail with pride,
+  "Gallant" riders, who lash and goad
+  Their staggering steeds on this desperate road;
+  Their whips are wet, and their spur-points gory,
+  But--beasts must bleed, in the name of Glory!
+
+  Beasts of burden, ye peoples, still
+  Ridden hard by a ruthless will!
+  Militarism is mounted firm.
+  The saddled slaves may shudder and squirm,
+  The bridled brutes may shy and shrink,
+  The road is long, and the gulf's black brink
+  Seems distant yet, and is scarcely seen
+  By the rival riders, whose pride and spleen
+  Blind them--save to each other's glare,
+  To the pace they make, and the weight they bear,
+  Those hot-urged horses! Lash and goad,
+  Rash riders!--but, at the end of the road,
+  When the growing burden's last possible pound
+  Is piled; when the steed's last staggering bound
+  Is made, when the last short, labouring breath
+  Is breathed, when over, in shuddering death,
+  The charger rolls, with a sickening crash,
+  And responds no more to the spur or lash;
+  And the gulf yawns close, sheer slope to air,
+  Black, unavoidable, ruinous there--
+  Then, gallant rider, how will _you_ fare?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE COUNTY COUNCIL.
+
+  CHARRINGTON forgot his manners,
+  Pleading for the _Jolly Tanners_;
+  He gave his tongue, at serious cost,
+  The Licence which the _Tanners_ lost.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TROUBLES OF STALKING!!
+
+_Irate Gillie_ (_on discovering in the distance, for the third time
+that morning, a "Brute of a Man" moving about in his favourite bit of
+"Forest"_). "OH! DEIL TAKE THE PEOPLE! COME AWA,' MUSTER BROWN, SIR;
+_IT'S JUST PEKKADILLY!!!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUTUMN AFTERNOON
+
+AT NAZARETH HOUSE.
+
+  O wealthy and world-weary triflers, O idle and opulent folk,
+  For whom time is a foe to be slain, and life's self but a bore or
+          a joke,
+  Take yourselves, and your hearts, and your purses to Nazareth
+          House and behold
+  The brave service of well-bestowed time, the brave uses of
+          well-applied gold!
+
+  Where is Nazareth House, then, and what? 'Tis in Hammersmith,
+          Madam, a place
+  That you probably seldom illume with the light of your beautiful
+          face.
+  But _what_? That's a far larger question, full answer to which
+          would take time.
+  Far better go see for yourself. If there's aught of the moral
+          sublime
+  In these gold-grubbing days, 'tis in scenes where love-service
+          unbought and unpaid--
+  A vastly unbusiness-like thing in the eyes of the vassals of
+          Trade!--
+  Is devoted in silence unseen to the outcast, the old, and the poor.
+  Five hundred such waifs are here housed, and _they yearn to find
+          refuge for more!_
+  That's the pith of the matter, dear Madam! And as for the rest,
+          I've returned
+  From a visit, and fancy your heart, like my own, would have
+          lightened and burned!
+  Had you walked through the wards, as I walked, with a Sister as
+          frank and unfeigned
+  As sweet Charity's servant should be. There was nothing o'er
+          piously strained
+  In this unrigid Refuge for helplessness. Cheeriness, confidence,
+          mirth
+  Seemed to reign in these child-crowded rooms--in these wards where
+          the aged, whose birth
+  Dated well-nigh a century back, whether sewing, or smoking, or prone
+  On the pallet of sickness, all _smiled_, and no soul seemed
+          forlorn or alone.
+  How they sang, those close clustering toddlers, their curly heads
+          tier above tier,
+  With never a trace of restraint, and unknowing the shadow of fear!
+  Here timidity checks not the young, and here weariness haunts not
+          the old.
+  There is laughter on age-shrivelled lips, and the eyes of mere
+          babies are bold
+  With the confidence born but of love. Even imbeciles, helpless and
+          blind,
+  Shut out at each sense from full life, yet can feel unseen
+          tendance is _kind_,
+  And sit silently placid, or burst into song of a heart-searching
+          sort--
+  Muffled speech from unplumbed spirit-depths, yet inspired by the
+          impulse of sport.
+  Have a chat, my dear Madam--shrink not, they are women!--with
+          age-wrinkled dames,
+  Who are busily bed-quilting here, while the Autumn sun ruddily
+          flames
+  On the walls from the liberal windows. Bestow but a smile and a
+          jest,
+  They'll respond with a jest and a smile, for there's life in each
+          age-burdened breast,
+  And confidence, comfort, and cheer. Here again clustered close
+          round the fire
+  Are a number of grizzle-look'd men, every one is a true "hoary
+          sire,"
+  Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of
+          speech;
+  And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge
+          a-piece.
+  For the comforting weed KINGSLEY eulogised is not taboo in this
+          place,
+  Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's face.
+  Ah! the tale is o'erlong for full telling; but never a bright
+          afternoon
+  In London's chill leaf-strewn October was better bestowed. 'Tis a
+          boon
+  To be able to speak on behalf of Samaritan kindness so schemed,
+  In a way in which lovers of man, not of mummeries, ever have
+          dreamed.
+  On such wise, wide, benevolent lines, with no bondage of class or
+          of creed.
+  But the helpless Five Hundred still swell, and the Sisterhood feel
+          sorest need
+  Of enlarging their borders and branches. The children especially
+          swarm,
+  And for every poor, pale, helpless mite, who can here find a
+          pallet and form,
+  Home, food, clothing, schooling, life-settlement, _love_, there
+          are hundreds for whom
+  And their piteous appeal the response must unwillingly come, "No
+          more room!",
+  Room, not in their hearts but their wards is this unselfish
+          Sisterhood's lack;
+  There you, my dear Madam, can help, if your purse-strings a little
+          you'll slack.
+  The Home for Poor Age, Helpless Childhood, Incurable Sickness,
+          depends
+  Not on fees or on wealthy endowments, but alms and free service of
+          friends.
+  Gifts, not only of money, but garments and furniture, beds,
+          tables, chairs,
+  The Nazareth ladies will welcome--Come! Is there a Christian who
+          cares
+  For God's poor and the Christ-welcomed children, who will not
+          respond in some way
+  To the modest appeal of these ladies, who care for the Waif and
+          the Stray?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MANKIND IN GENERAL--
+
+THEREFORE TO MR. GLADSTONE IN PARTICULAR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    (_See Speech by Miss Cozens at Meeting of Woman's Emancipation
+    Union at Birmingham, Oct. 27._)
+
+  The time is come, beware of "us,"
+    There's thunder in the air;
+  Your future's in the care of "us;"
+    Beware of "us"--beware!
+
+  We'll cease to coax and "Cozen" you
+    By fascinating smiles,
+  And gaily now impose on you
+    By dynamitic wiles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JUDGE'S LAMENT.
+
+[Q.B.D. = QUEEN'S BENCH DIVISION.]
+
+  After the labours of Vacation,
+    Ten long weeks with nothing to do,
+  I feel that I need some recreation,
+    I'll sit in Court for a week or two:
+      It's just as well, now and then,
+      To show yourself to the public ken.
+  Ah me! who would be
+  Judge of the High Court, Q B.D.?
+
+  But it's tiring work to sit on the Bench,
+    Hearing the Counsel, day by day,
+  Canting and ranting, while they clench
+    Their fists, and thump and hammer away:
+      Be their arguments weak or strong,
+      Whatever I say I'm in the wrong.
+  Ah me! who would be,
+  A badgered Judge of the Q.B.D.?
+
+  Whenever I crack a judicial jest,
+    Witnesses, jurors, suitors smile,
+  They quite understand I do my best,
+    A wearisome action to beguile:
+      "Silks" and "Juniors" seem to force,
+      A jeering laugh as a matter of course.
+  Ah me! who would be,
+  A jocular Judge of the Q.B.D.?
+
+  The public, solicitors, counsel, frown
+    And grumble and growl at the law's delay;
+  I'm never allowed to stop in town,
+    Off on Circuit I'm hurried away:
+      Election Petitions I'm made to judge,
+      On Irish Commissions I have to drudge.
+  Ah me! who would be,
+  A toiling Judge of the Q.B.D.?
+
+  To a _cause celebre_ I don't object,
+    Leaders of fashion around me sit,
+  My robes and ermine command respect,
+    I rather fancy I'm making a hit:
+      I feel there's a chance of getting, who knows?
+      Into _Vanity Fair_ or Madame Tussaud's.
+  Ah me! who would not be,
+  A popular Judge of the Q.B.D.?
+
+  When the Sittings are in full swing, I'm bound,
+    From half past ten till the clock strikes four,
+  In Court or in Chambers to be found,
+    With half an hour for my lunch or more:
+      Summons and motion and cause I hear,
+      I'm only paid, five thousand a-year!
+  Many a man would like to be,
+  Judge of the High Court Q.B.D.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANTI-TEETOTAL OPERA, "_Eugene Onegin_" at the Olympic. Will it be
+followed by _Ourjane Twobrandi_? and subsequently, by the celebrated
+Opera, _Lotowiski_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ethel_ (_who has picked up a few sporting phrases,
+and thinks she can instruct her Governess_). "NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD
+FROM MUMMY, BUT I'VE HEARD FROM POPPA. HE HAS KILLED 137 GROUSE, BUT I
+DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE BRACES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"For graphic touch and keen appreciation of humour, for easy
+conversational narration, give me," quoth the Baron, "the papers
+now being published in _Household Words_ (most appropriate place for
+them), written by MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and Magistrate." His paper
+on Ramsgate, telling how he travelled down, who his companions
+were, is as thoroughly amusing and interesting as his tribute to
+the health-giving climate of Ramsgate is true. These papers under
+the comprehensive title of "Round London," are to be republished in
+book-form by, as I believe, Messrs. MACMILLAN, and assuredly they will
+be as popular as were the same author's "Leaves" and "Later Leaves."
+False sentiment, MONTAGU WILLIAMS, as man or magistrate, does not
+encourage. "Strongly do I recommend his 'Round London,'" says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MORRIS DANCE."--NEW FIGURE.--The _Premier Danseur_, holding
+laurel-crown, dances up to WILLIAM MORRIS offering him the
+laurel-crown. Will MORRIS? MORRIS won't. Premier retires gracefully,
+and is seen approaching LEWIS MORRIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO SOME AUTHORS.
+
+  "How did I like that book?" I gained,
+  From reading it, joy unrestrained;
+  'Twas perfect--had it but contained
+            An Index!
+
+  Brilliant, yet also erudite,
+  Profound, in facts, in diction light,
+  Why failed its writer to indite
+            An Index?
+
+  'Twas history, on its social side,
+  With stories, good to quote, supplied,
+  Yet how quote anything, denied
+            An Index?
+
+  A book that "He who reads might run"--
+  MACAULAY, BOSWELL, GREEN, in one!
+  Its Printer, too--what made _him_ shun
+            An Index?
+
+  I missed a date, harked back. "A fad!"
+  You'll say? Perhaps. It made _me_ mad.
+  My hunt was vain, because, it had
+            No Index.
+
+  O Authors of instructive chat,
+  Supply this want when next you're at
+  A book! "_Bis dat qui cito dat_,"
+            An Index.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW EXAM.
+
+Answer any three of the following five questions:--
+
+I. (_a._) What is a cassowary? (_b._) Does its internal construction
+render it capable of anthropophagy? (_c._) Describe its habits, nature
+and food, and draw an outline sketch of its skeleton.
+
+II. (_a._) Give the latitude and longitude of Timbuctoo. (_b._) State
+the number and religious belief of its inhabitants. (_c._) Discuss
+its natural advantages; (i.), as a port, and (ii.) as a centre for
+missionary enterprise.
+
+III. (_a._) Is a missionary best when served (i.) _au naturel_; (ii.)
+_a la maitre d'hotel_, or, (iii.) _aux petites livrettes de psaumes_?
+Discuss the advantages of each method of preparation; (_b._) Quote any
+advice given by (i.) LUCULLUS, or (ii.) EPICURUS on this subject.
+
+IV. What version of the Prayer-book is in use amongst the natives of
+Central Africa?
+
+V. Discuss the authorship of the poem entitled _Timbuctoo_, and adduce
+any reasons for believing JULIUS CAESAR to have written it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OTHER PAPER.--MR. NEWNES is bringing out a rival to the _Pall
+Mall Gazette_, Is it to be published before the _P.M.G._, or later in
+the day? If the first, its title might be _The Noon's Paper_; if the
+latter, _The After-Newnes Paper_. Whichever you like, my little dear!
+Mr. N. pays his money and takes his choice. Anyhow, "NEWNES' Paper" is
+a marketable commodity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HUNTING SEASON. THE MEET.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STEPNEY THAT COSTS.
+
+    ["The circumstances will indeed have to be very remarkable
+    to take two Judges into Stepney."--_Baron Pollock, re Stepney
+    Election Petition, Oct. 26._]
+
+  I chanced to meet a man the other day,
+    Whose store of legal knowledge was amazing,
+  He stormed at me in quite the stormiest way,
+    With, fiery indignation simply blazing.
+  I wondered if he'd lost his (legal) hair
+    (Forgive the phrase) against a demi-rep? Nay!
+  They'd really ventured to presume to dare
+    To ask a Judge or two to go to Stepney!
+
+  Now if it had been merely Peekham Rye,
+    They would have gone at once, and gone right gladly.
+  Then Brondesbury, Barnet--New or High,--
+    Or Shepherd's Bush would not have done so badly.
+  Penge would have brought the Crystal Palace near,
+    And Kensington's Olympia made their soul burn,
+  They'd have enjoyed the jaunt to Greenwich Pier,
+    And Heaven had been synonymous with Holborn.
+
+  Oh! had it been Soho or Maida Vale
+    It would have been of course another story. A
+  Delightful trip to Euston could not fail
+    To please as much as Broad Street or Victoria.
+  Belgravia would have suited very well,
+    They could have done with Balham, Bow, or Brixton,
+  With Flower-laden Battersea. But tell
+    Me if you can--oh! why was Stepney fixt on?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S VISIT TO IRELAND.
+
+[Illustration: "I was that staggered, that I could 'ardly answer
+him."]
+
+Well, it isn't for one like me to say as how as good luck means wirtue
+rewarded, cos I have, in my long xperiense, seen not a werry few cases
+where it wasn't so--no, not by no manner of means.
+
+But this I can most trewly say, that my slice of luck during this
+larst munth is worthy of being called a reel staggerer! And this is
+how it cum about:--
+
+The Amerrycain Gent, at the Grand Hotel, wanted a change for about a
+weak or two, and he naterally arsked me what he shood do. I made lots
+of wise suggeshons, in course, such as Margate, and Grinnidge, and
+Hern Bay, and other hily arristercratick places, but they none on 'em
+woodn't do. So presently he calls out, "Did you ever go to Ireland?"
+I was that staggered, that I coud ardly arnser him; but then I says,
+"Yes, Sir--but it were sum time ago." Then he staggers me much more
+wiolently, for he says, says he, "Why shoudn't you go with me then,
+and be my Wally!" When I recovered my breth, I says, "I don't know
+as our gentelmanly Manager here woud spare me." So he says, "I'll
+soon see about that." So he rings the bell wiolently, and arsks
+for him--and he cums--and, to my serprize, he doesn't make not no
+objecshun at all, which was, in course, werry complementary to me,
+and, strange to say, no more did Mrs. ROBERT, when I told her of it.
+
+Well, I passes over all prelimmenerry derangements, till we finds
+ourselves on board a lovly steemer, bound for Old Ireland, as we allus
+calls her, tho' I don't spose as she's any older than the rest on us.
+It was that ruff that I perposed waitin till the sea got smooth; but
+my Master ony larft, and sed I shood be all rite if I follered his
+adwice, as he was used to the sea, and rayther liked it a little
+ruffish. So he got me a sheet of brown paper to put on my manly chest,
+and gave me some champane, and one glass of Perettic Sline, I think he
+called it, and, with their ade, I got over much better than I xpected.
+
+We went as strate as we coud go to the Lakes of Killarny, and if that
+isn't jest about as lovly a plaice as the hole world can show, why
+then let sumbody show me another as is. If anyboddy arsked me if it
+never rained there, truth wood make me say yes, it most suttenly does
+sumtimes, but then so it does ewerywheres in ollidy time excep where
+it's most speshally wanted.
+
+My Guvner's fust harty larf was at dinner on the fust day, when he
+told me to ring for sum pepper. TIM the Waiter arnsered the bell, and
+I told him what was wanted, and I scarce xpecs to be bleeved when I
+says, as he cums back and he says, says he, "If you plase, Sir, sure
+the Pepper's engaged!" I thort the Guvner wood ha larfed hisself
+hill, but he soon recovered, and said, "Thin niver mind TIM, we'll
+do without it to-day, but let us have fust turn at it to-morrow."
+"Suttenly, your honour," says TIM, and wanishes.
+
+The next day, after driving us round the naybourhood, he came in
+without being arsked, and goes to the fire and warms his hands, and
+then says with a broad grin, "Sure it's a jolly lucky cupple as you
+are, for the rains a bustin down like thunder!" When handing the
+unpeeled Potatows to the Guvner he wood pint his finger at one and
+say, "That's a rale buty, Sir!"
+
+I spose as the Guvner was rayther libberal to TIM, when we left, as
+all reel gennelmen allus is, for the tears acshally came into the
+pore feller's eyes, and he blessed us both, and wished as a few more
+genelman like _us_ woud sumtimes wisit poor old Ireland!
+
+We stayed about a fortnight, but we didn't see another Waiter like
+poor TIM, who was the werry fust humane being as hever called me a
+gennelman, pore feller! but we had a werry nice time of it on the
+hole, which I may p'raps elude to sum day, when things ain't quite so
+brisk as they is just now, and I must say as my Guvner behaved like
+the reel Gennelman as he is, when we cum for to settel up.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SECUNDUM HARTY.
+
+    ["I have even gone so low as 1d. a course ... with enough
+    success as to elicit effusive eulogies from some distinguished
+    literary persons ..."--_Mr. Ernest Hart in "Where are the
+    Cooks?"--Daily Graphic, Oct. 18._]
+
+  Oh! where are the Cooks; where on earth can they be?
+    Pray, hark to the Housekeeper's pitiful moan.
+  Mr. HART seems to know, and he tells us, with glee,
+    Of a plan which is his, and is his, too, alone.
+  It's a plan for a dinner, that's easily shown
+    To be cheap, and of pleasure the joy-giving source,
+  'Tis a wonderful plan--hear the epicure groan--
+    It costs just exactly one penny a course.
+
+  The dinner's Hartistic. Sweet HART says that he
+    Had a meal fit to soften the heart of a stone,
+  There were guests men of letters, and lofty degree--
+    Who wore pleased, and not only saw fit to condone,
+  But who ransacked each country, land, continent, zone,
+    For encomiums of praise, till they really grew hoarse.
+  But would they have done so, had only they known
+    It cost just exactly one penny a course?
+
+  Yes, a penny a head. It's not easy to see
+    How it's done for the price of a bun or a scone.
+  When the Mistress and Cook find it hard to agree,
+    And the former of these is provokingly prone
+  With the latter to pick a most terrible bone,
+    When it seems that disaster must follow perforce,
+  Oh! whisper them this in a Hart rending tone--
+    It costs just exactly one penny a course!
+
+L'ENVOI.
+
+  O Host, if all other ideas have flown,
+    Remember this plan as a final resource,
+  Be Harty! Be Earnest! Make _his_ plan your own!
+    It costs just exactly one penny a course!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL ART OF BOOK-KEEPING.--Never to lend!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+103, November 5, 1892, by Various
+
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