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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 17, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 17, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 13, 2005  [eBook #15615]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 158, MARCH 17, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 15615-h.htm or 15615-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h/15615-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 158
+
+MARCH 17, 1920
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+PRINCE ALBERT JOACHIM, it appears, did not take part in the attack on
+a French officer at the Hotel Adlon, but only gave the signal. Always
+the little Hohenzollern!
+
+       ***
+
+It seems that at the last moment Mr. C. B. COCHRAN broke off
+negotiations for the exclusive right to organise the CARPENTIER
+wedding.
+
+       ***
+
+"Will Scotland go dry?" asks _The Daily Express_. Not on purpose, we
+imagine.
+
+       ***
+
+A new method of stopping an omnibus by a foot-lever has been patented.
+This is much better than the old plan of shaking one's umbrella at
+them.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we read, makes a study of handwriting. The only
+objection that _The Times_ has to this habit is that he positively
+refuses to notice the writing on the wall.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that the Government will construct an experimental
+tunnel between England and the United States in order (1) to cement
+Anglo-American friendship, and (2) to ascertain if the Channel Tunnel
+is practicable.
+
+       ***
+
+Dr. C.W. COLBY, head of the Department of History, has taken Sir
+AUCLAND GEDDES' place as Principal of McGill University. The report
+that Sir AUCKLAND will reciprocate by taking a place in history awaits
+confirmation.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is quite usual nowadays," a well-known auctioneer states, "for
+mill hands to keep a few orchids." We understand that by way of a
+counter-stroke a number of noblemen are threatening to go in for
+runner ducks.
+
+       ***
+
+A Rotherham couple who have just celebrated their diamond wedding have
+never tasted medicine. We ourselves have always maintained that the
+taste is an acquired one.
+
+       ***
+
+A Greenland falcon has been shot in the Orkneys. The view is widely
+taken that the wretched bird, which must have known it wasn't in
+Greenland, brought the trouble on itself.
+
+       ***
+
+An alleged anarchist arrested in Munich was identified as a poet and
+found Not Guilty--not guilty, that is to say, of being an anarchist.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the pending retirement of Mr. ROBERT SMILLIE from
+the Presidency of the Miners' Federation, it appears that there is
+talk of arranging a farewell strike.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Berlin Vorwaerts_ states that ex-Emperor CARL has been discovered
+in Hungary under an assumed name. The Hungarian authorities say that
+unless he is claimed within three days he will be sold to defray
+expenses.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that Mr. Justice DARLING'S weekly denial of the reports
+of his retirement will in future be issued on Tuesdays, instead of
+Wednesdays, as hitherto.
+
+       ***
+
+When hit by a bullet a tiger roars until dead, says a weekly paper,
+but a tigress dies quietly. Nervous people who suffer from headaches
+should therefore only shoot tigresses.
+
+       ***
+
+Two out of ten houses being built at Guildford are now complete.
+Builders in other parts of the country are asking who gave the word
+"Go."
+
+       ***
+
+"Marvellous to relate," says a Sunday paper, "a horse has just died
+at Ingatestone at the age of thirty-six." Surely it is more marvellous
+that it did not die before.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that the Paris Peace Conference cost two million pounds.
+The latest suggestion is that, before the next war starts, tenders
+for a Peace Conference shall be asked for and the lowest estimate
+accepted.
+
+       ***
+
+A Walsall carter has summoned a fellow-worker because during a quarrel
+he stepped on his face. It was not so much that he had stepped on his
+face, we understand, as the fact that he had loitered about on it.
+
+       ***
+
+A painful mistake is reported from North London. It appears that a
+young lady who went to a fancy-dress ball as "The Silent Wife" was
+awarded the first prize for her clever impersonation of a telephone
+girl.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to learn that the thoughtless tradesman who, in spite
+of the notice, "Please ring the bell," deliberately knocked at the
+front-door of a wooden house, has now had to pay the full cost of
+rebuilding.
+
+       ***
+
+After reading in her morning paper that bumping races were held
+recently at Cambridge, a dear old lady expressed sorrow that the
+disgraceful scenes witnessed in many dance-rooms in London had spread
+to one of our older universities.
+
+       ***
+
+Tyrolese hats have reappeared in London after an interval of nearly
+five years. We understand that the yodel waistcoat will also be heard
+this spring.
+
+       ***
+
+A Welshman was fined fifteen pounds last week for fishing for salmon
+with a lamp. Defendant's plea, that he was merely investigating the
+scientific question of whether salmon yawn in their sleep, was not
+accepted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL, ANYHOW, NO ONE COULD TELL THAT THIS WAS ONCE A
+BRITISH WARM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE BOAT-RACE "INTELLIGENCE."
+
+    "The Oxford crew had a hard training for an hour and a-half
+    under the direction of Mr. Harcourt Gold, who is to catch them
+    at Putney."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+But will they catch Cambridge at Barnes?
+
+    "The Cambridge people have elected to use a scull with a
+    tubular shank or 'loom.'
+
+    "Oxford are using these sculls, too."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+We have a silly old-fashioned preference for the use of oars in this
+competition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On St. David's Day, Welshmen wear a leak in their
+    hats."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Lest they should suffer from swelled head?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "NEW" WORLD.
+
+    ["Direct Action," which was regarded as a novelty suitable for
+    an age of reconstruction, has now, by the good sense of the
+    Trades Union Congress, been relegated to its proper place in
+    the old and discredited order of things.]
+
+  In these, the young Millennium's years,
+    Whereof they loudly boomed the birth,
+  Promising by the lips of seers
+    New Heavens and a brand-new Earth,
+  We find the advertised attraction
+    In point of novelty is small,
+  And argument by force of action
+    Would seem the oldest wheeze of all.
+
+  When Prehistoric Man desired
+    Communion with his maid elect,
+  And arts of suasion left him tired,
+    He took to action more direct;
+  Scaring her with a savage whoop or
+    Putting his club across her head,
+  He bore her in a state of stupor
+    Home to his stony bridal bed.
+
+  In ages rather more refined,
+    Gentlemen of the King's highway,
+  Whose democratic tastes inclined
+    To easy hours and ample pay,
+  Would hardly ever hold their victim
+    Engaged in academic strife,
+  But raised their blunderbuss and ticked him
+    Off with "Your money or your life."
+
+  So when your miners, swift to scout
+    The use of reason's slow appeal,
+  Threaten to starve our children out
+    And bring the country in to heel,
+  There's nothing, as I understand it,
+    So very new in this to show;
+  The cave-man and the cross-roads bandit
+    Were there before them long ago.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAIR WEAR AND TEAR.
+
+In a short time now we shall have to return this flat to its proper
+tenants and arrive at some assessment of the damage done to their
+effects. With regard to the other rooms, even the room which Richard
+and Priscilla condescend to use as a nursery, I shall accept the
+owners' estimate cheerfully enough, I think; but the case of the
+drawing-room furniture is different. About the nursery I have
+only heard vague rumours, but in the drawing-room I have been an
+eye-witness of the facts.
+
+The proper tenant is a bachelor who lived here with his sister; he
+will scarcely realise, therefore, what happens at 5 P.M. every day,
+when there comes, as the satiric poet, LONGFELLOW, has so finely
+sung--
+
+  "A pause in the day's occupations,
+  Which is known as the children's hour."
+
+Drawing-room furniture indeed! When one considers the buildings and
+munition dumps, the live and rolling stock, the jungles and forests
+in that half-charted territory; when one considers that even the
+mere wastepaper basket by the writing-desk (and it _does_ look a bit
+battered, that wastepaper basket) is sometimes the tin helmet under
+which Richard defies the frightfulness of LARS PORSENA, and sometimes
+a necessary stage property for Priscilla's two favourite dramatic
+recitations
+
+  "He plunged with a delighted _scweam_
+  Into a bowl of clotted cweam,"
+
+and
+
+  "This is Mr. Piggy Wee,
+    With tail so pink and curly,
+  And when I say, 'Good mornin', pig,'
+    He answers _vewwy_ surly,
+                  Oomph! Oomph!'"
+
+and sometimes the hutch that harbours a cotton-wool creation supposed
+to be a white rabbit, and stated by the owner to be "munsin' and
+munsin' and munsin' a carrot"--when, I say, I consider all these
+things I anticipate that the proceedings of the Reparation Commission
+will be something like this:--
+
+_He (looking a little ruefully at the round music-stool)_. I suppose
+your wife plays the piano a good deal?
+
+_I (brightly)_. If you mean the detachable steering-wheel, it is only
+fair to remember that a part interchangeable between the motor-omnibus
+and the steam-roller--
+
+_He_. I don't understand.
+
+_I_. Permit me to reassemble the mechanism.
+
+_He_. You mean that when you put that armchair at the end of the sofa
+and the music-stool in front of it--
+
+_I_. I mean that the motor-omnibus driver, sitting as he does in front
+of his vehicle and manipulating his steering-wheel like this, can
+do little or no harm to the apparatus. On the other hand, the
+steam-roller mechanic, standing _inside_ the body of the vehicle, and
+having the steering-wheel in _this_ position--
+
+_He_. On the sofa?
+
+_I_. Naturally. Well, supposing he happens to have a slight difference
+of opinion with his mate as to which of them ought to do the driving,
+the wheel is quite likely to be pushed off on to the macadam, where it
+gets a trifle frayed round the edges.
+
+_He_. I see. How awfully stupid of me! And this pouffe, or whatever
+they call it?
+
+_I_. Week in and week out, boy and girl, I have seen that dromedary
+ridden over more miles of desert than I can tell you, and never once
+have I known it under-fed or under-watered, or struck with anything
+harder than the human fist. Of course the hump does get a little
+floppy with frequent use, but considering how barren your Sahara--
+
+_He_. Quite, quite. I was just looking at that armchair. Aren't there
+a lot of scratches on the legs?
+
+_I_. Have you ever _kept_ panthers? Do you realise how impatiently
+they chafe at times against the bars of their cage? Of course, if you
+haven't....
+
+Finally, I imagine he will see how reasonable my attitude is and how
+little he has to complain of. He will recognise that one cannot deal
+with complicated properties of this sort without a certain amount of
+inevitable dilapidation and loss.
+
+As a matter of fact I have an even stronger line of argument if I
+choose to take it. I can put in a counter-claim. One of the principal
+attractions of old furniture, after all, is historic association.
+There is the armchair, you know, that Dr. JOHNSON sat in, and the
+inkpot, or whatever it was, that MARY, Queen of Scots, threw at JOHN
+BUNYAN or somebody, and I have also seen garden-seats carved out of
+famous battleships. And then again, if you go to Euston, or it may be
+Darlington, you will find on the platform the original tea-kettle out
+of which GEORGE WASHINGTON constructed the first steam-engine. The
+drawing-room furniture that we are relinquishing combines the interest
+of all these things. If I like I can put a placard on the sofa, before
+I take its owner to see it, worded something like this:--
+
+"Puffing Billy, the original steam-roller out of which this elegant
+piece was carved, held the 1920 record for fourteen trips to Brighton
+and back within half-an-hour." And after he has seen that I can lead
+him gently on to Roaring Rupert, the arm-chair. Really, therefore,
+when one comes to consider it, the man owes me a considerable sum of
+money for the enhanced sentimental value that has been given to his
+commonplace property.
+
+Mind you, I have no wish to be too hard on him. I shall be content
+with a quite moderate claim, or even with no claim at all. Possibly,
+now I come to think of it; I shall simply say,
+
+"You know what it is to have a couple of bally kids about the place.
+What shall I give you to call it square?"
+
+And he will name a sum and offer me a cigarette, and we shall talk a
+little about putting or politics.
+
+But it doesn't much matter. Whatever he asks he can only put it down
+in the receipts' column of his account-book under the heading of
+"Depreciation of Furniture," whereas in my expenses it will stand as
+"Richard and Priscilla: for Adventures, Travel and Romance."
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM
+
+(MARCH 17).
+
+THE IDYLLIST OF DOWNING STREET (_with four-leaved shamrock_). "SHE
+LOVES ME! SHE--BUT PERHAPS I'D BETTER NOT GO ANY FURTHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor_. "AND HOW IS YOUR NEWLY-MARRIED DAUGHTER?"
+
+_Mrs. Brown_. "OH, SHE'S NICELY THANK YOU. SHE FINDS HER HUSBAND A BIT
+DULL; BUT AS I TELLS HER, THE GOOD 'UNS _ARE_ DULL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WINTER SPORT IN THE LOWER ALPS.
+
+About two months ago, after a course of travel literature and some
+back numbers of _The Badminton Magazine_, I became infected with a
+desire to spend a winter in the Alps, skating, sliding, curling and
+yodelling in the intervals of ski-ing, skijoring, skilacking and
+skihandlung. The very names of the pastimes conjured up a picture
+of swift and healthy activity. As the pamphlets assured me, I should
+return a new man; and, though I am greatly attached to the old one, I
+recognised that improvement was possible.
+
+I don't remember how it came about that I finally chose Freidegg
+among the multiplicity of winter-sport stations whose descriptions
+approximated to those of Heaven. I expect Frederick forced the choice
+upon me; Frederick had been to Switzerland every winter from 1906 to
+1913 and knew the ropes. I somehow gathered that the ropes were of
+unusual complexity.
+
+The entire journey was passed among winter-sporters of a certain
+type. From their conversation I was able to learn that Badeloden
+was formerly overrun by Germans; that Franzheim was excellent if you
+stayed at the Grand, but at the Kurhaus the guests were unsociable,
+while at the Oberalp you were not done well and the central-heating
+was inefficient.
+
+I ventured a few questions about the sport available, but was gently
+rebuked by the silence which followed before conversation was resumed
+in a further discussion of comforts and social amenities.
+
+On arrival at the hotel I took out my skates, but, on Frederick's
+advice, hid them again. "Don't let people see that you are a newcomer;
+there won't be any skating for some weeks yet," said he.
+
+"But why not?" I objected. "The ice must be at least six inches
+thick."
+
+"Well, it isn't done," he replied. "One's first week is spent in
+settling down; you can't go straight on the ice without preparation."
+
+On the third day a Sports' Meeting was held, as the result of which
+a programme of the season was published. It was announced that there
+would be, weekly, three dances and one bridge tournament; a theatrical
+performance would be given once a fortnight, and the blank evenings
+filled with either a concert or an entertainment. I began to wonder
+how I could squeeze in time for sleep.
+
+In order that boredom might not overtake the guests before evening
+came, a magnificent tea was served from four to six. During the
+afternoon one could visit the other hotels of the place and usually
+found some function in progress. We were not expected to breakfast
+before ten, and the short time that remained before lunch was spent
+in a walk to the rink, where we would solemnly take a few steps on the
+ice, murmur, "Not in condition yet," and return to the hotel.
+
+After about a fortnight of this I announced to Frederick that I was
+going to skate, no matter how far from perfection the ice proved to
+be.
+
+Frederick was indignant.
+
+"You'll make yourself both conspicuous and unpopular. The two
+Marriotts are giving an exhibition to-morrow; if you spoil the ice for
+them their show will be ruined."
+
+"Very well, then," said I, "I will borrow some ski and mess about on
+the snow."
+
+"You can't do that," he replied, horrified; "the professionals are
+coming next week for the open competition, and if they don't find
+clean snow--"
+
+"All right; I'll get one of those grid-irons and course down the
+ice-run. I suppose that's what the ice-run is for," said I bitterly.
+
+"And spoil the Alpine Derby, which you know is fixed for the tenth?"
+Frederick addressed me with some severity. "Look here--you must choose
+your sport and stick to it. I am a ski-er; you don't find me skating
+or bobbing or curling."
+
+"Or ski-ing," I added.
+
+"Before ski-ing," he informed me, "one must have one's ski in perfect
+condition. Mine are improving daily."
+
+Frederick in fact spent his short mornings in giving instructions as
+to how his ski were to be oiled and rubbed. All the most complicated
+operations of unction and massage were performed upon them, and all
+the time Frederick watched over them as over a sick child.
+
+Next I was told that the height of the season had arrived. The round
+of indoor entertainments went on and almost daily the guests walked to
+some near point to witness performances by professionals who seemed to
+tour the country for that purpose.
+
+Just when there appeared to be a slight prospect of some general
+outdoor activity (and Frederick's ski were pronounced perfect) a
+thaw occurred. I am bound to say that the event was received
+philosophically. Not a single member of the company made any
+complaint; they faced adversity like true Britons and boldly sat
+in the warm hotel to save themselves for the evening. Nor did their
+distress put them off their feed; they punished the tea unmercifully,
+showing scarcely a sign of the aching sorrow which devoured them.
+
+Soon it froze again. The daily visit to the ice was made and
+Frederick's ski were once more put into training.
+
+As for me I began to believe that there was something shameful or
+disgraceful in my desire to skate. So I left secretly for Sicily. Here
+I can enjoy passive entertainment without being unpleasantly chilled.
+
+Well, a few days ago I received from Frederick a letter, from which
+the following is a quotation: "The final thaw has now occurred and the
+season is ended. It has been one of the most successful on record. The
+full programme was carried out to the letter; I wish you had been here
+for the last Fancy Dress. My ski were really fit and I was looking
+forward to some great days on the snow. I think I made a bit of a hit
+too, playing _Lord Twinkles_ in _The Gay Life_."
+
+The ski will no doubt miss Frederick's affectionate attention; he was
+very fond of them.
+
+Yesterday, by the purest accident I came across Claudia, like myself
+enjoying the warmth and sunshine.
+
+"Oh, you've been to Freidegg; how lovely! I went to Kestaag this year
+and was very glad to leave. Nothing to do in the evening but sit round
+a fire. All day the hotel was like a wilderness and outside nothing
+but a lot of men falling about in the snow. They were too tired to do
+anything during the evening. It was horrid. Next time I shall be more
+careful and choose a nice bright place like Freidegg."
+
+Next time I too shall be more careful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ANOTHER BLOW FOR THE COALITION."
+
+_Sombre Reveller._ "IS THIS PADDINGTON?"
+
+_Porter._ "PADDINGTON? NO! IT'S MERSTHAM. WHY, YOU AIN'T EVEN ON THE
+RIGHT RAILWAY. THIS IS SOUTH-EASTERN AND CHATHAM."
+
+_Reveller._ "THERE Y'ARE, Y'SEE. THAT'S WHAT COMES OF GOV'MENT CONTROL
+OF RAILWAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOUND-FOXES.
+
+It was really Isabel's idea. But it must be admitted that the Foxes
+took it up with remarkable promptitude. How it reached them is
+uncertain, but maybe the little bird that nests outside her nursery
+window knows more than we do.
+
+The idea owed its inception to my attempt at explaining the
+pink-coated horsemen depicted on an old Christmas card. I did my best,
+right up to and including the "worry," in which Isabel joined with
+enthusiasm. Then she went to bed.
+
+But not to sleep. As I passed by the open door I heard a small
+excited voice expounding to a lymphatic dolly the whole mystery of
+fox-hunting:--
+
+"And there was a wood, and there was a smell. And all the peoploos
+on '_normous_ huge high horses. And _nen_ all the hound-foxes runned
+after the smell and eated it all up."
+
+A fortnight later, taking a short cut through the Squire's coverts, I
+sat down to enjoy the glory of woodland springtime. "There was a wood
+and there was a smell." There certainly was; in fact I was all but
+sitting upon an earth.
+
+All this is credible enough. Now I hope you will believe the rest of
+the story.
+
+A dirty sheet of paper lay near Reynard's front doorstep. Idly
+curious, I picked it up. Strange paper, a form of print that I had
+never seen before; marked too with dirty pads.
+
+It was a newspaper of sorts. Prominent notices adjured the reader to
+"Write to _John Fox_ about it." The leading article was headed
+
+"AN APPEAL."
+
+"Foxes of Britain!" it began; "opposed though we have always been to
+revolutionary politics, a clear line is indicated to us out of the
+throes of the Re-birth. The old feudal relations between Foxes and
+Men have had their day. The England that has been the paradise of the
+wealthy, of the pink-coated, of the doubly second-horsed, must become
+that of the oppressed, the hunted, the hand-to-mouth liver. In a
+word, we have had enough of Fox-Hounds; henceforth we will have
+Hound-Foxes."
+
+Then the policy was outlined. Foxes could not hunt hounds--no; but
+they could lead them a dog's life. They had been in the past too
+sporting; thought too little of their own safety, too much of the
+pleasure of the Hunt and of the reputation of its country.
+
+Henceforth the League of Hound-Foxes would dispense justice to the
+oppressors. No more forty-minute bursts over the best line in the
+country; no more grass and easy fences; no more favourable crossing
+points at the Whissendine Brook; no more rhapsodies in _The Field_
+over "a game and gallant fox."
+
+A Hound-Fox would be game, but not gallant. He would carry with him
+a large-scale specially-marked map, showing where bullfinches were
+unstormable; where the only gaps harboured on the far side a slimy
+ditch; where woods were rideless; where wire was unmarked; where
+railways lured to destruction--over and through each and every point
+would the Hound-Fox entice the cursing Hunt.
+
+As for the Hounds, they feared no obstacles, but they hated mockery.
+_They_ should be led on to the premises of sausage factories; through
+villages, to be greeted as brothers-in-the-chase by forty yelping
+curs; into infant-schools (that old joke), where the delighted babes
+would throw arms around their necks and call them "Doggie," until both
+men and hounds would begin to question whether the game were worth the
+candle.
+
+Therefore let every eligible vulpine enroll himself to-day as a
+Hound-Fox. They must be dog-foxes, rising three or over, of good
+stamina, with plenty of scent, intelligent and preferably unmarried.
+The League Secretary was ---- (here followed the name, earth and
+covert of a well-known veteran).
+
+There was other matter, of course. A "Grand Prize Competition--A
+Turkey a Week for Life!" was announced. A humorous article on
+Earth-Stoppers and, on the "Vixens' Page," a discussion as to the
+edibility of Pekinese.
+
+Absent-mindedly I crumpled up the astounding rag and thrust it down
+the hole.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I arose stiff, bemused. The hot March sunshine and the song of
+birds had left me drowsy. A glance at my watch showed me, to my
+astonishment, that was tea-time. So I made my way home.
+
+The reception of my story was as cold as the tea. They weren't such
+fools, they said, as to believe it. So, knowing your larger charity,
+dear Mr. Punch, I send it to you.
+
+And I shall await that retrospective article in some Maytime _Field_,
+entitled "A Season of Disasters."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRITICAL PROBLEM.
+
+    "_The Admirable Crichton_ is still one of the most captivating
+    of modern plays, rich in humour, scenically 'telling' and
+    close-packed with Barrieisms."--_Times_.
+
+    "'Crichton' is one of the most agreeable Barrie plays, because
+    it is so free from Barrieisms."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SURMISES AND SURPRISES.
+
+The appearance of the Dean of ST. PAUL'S at a recent social gathering
+not in the character of a wet blanket, but as a teller of jocund tales
+and a retailer of humorous anecdotes, must not be taken as an
+isolated and transient transformation, but as foreshadowing a
+general conversion of writers and publicists hitherto associated with
+utterances of a mordant, bitter, sardonic and pessimistic tone.
+
+It is rumoured at Cambridge that Mr. MAYNARD KEYNES, mollified by the
+reception of his momentous work, has plunged into an orgy of optimism,
+the first-fruits of which will be a treatise on _The Gastronomic
+Consequences of the Peace_. Those who have been fortunate enough to
+see the MS. declare that the personal sketches of Mr. CLYNES, Mr. G.H.
+ROBERTS, Mr. HOOVER and M. ESCOFFIER are marked by a coruscating wit
+unparalleled in the annals of Dietetics. The account of a dinner
+at the "White Horse" is perhaps the _clou_ of an exceptionally
+exhilarating entertainment.
+
+This agreeable swing of the pendulum is further illustrated by the
+report that Mr. PHILIP GIBBS, by way of counteracting the depression
+caused by his last book, is contemplating a palliative under the title
+of _Humours of the Home Front_. It is hoped that the book will come
+out serially in the pages of _The Hibbert Journal_.
+
+Very welcome too is the report, not yet officially confirmed, that Sir
+E. RAY LANKESTER is engaged on a genial biography of Sir ARTHUR CONAN
+DOYLE, with special reference to his achievements in the domain of
+psychical research.
+
+Other similar rumours are flying about in Fleet Street, but we give
+them with necessary reserve. One of them credits Mr. LYTTON
+STRACHEY with the resolve to indite a panegyric of the Archbishop
+of CANTERBURY. Another ascribes to Lord FISHER the preparation of a
+treatise on _The Evils of Egotism_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WEEK'S GREAT THOUGHT.
+
+    "We are at a crisis, and a critical one at that."--_Sir
+    ARCHIBALD SALVIDGE in "The Sunday Chronicle_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A GOOD CAUSE.
+
+A special matinee is to be given by Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER at the
+Paladium, on Friday, March 19th, for the National Children's Adoption
+Association. Mrs. LLOYD GEORGE, who makes a strong appeal for this
+good work, will receive applications for tickets at 10, Downing
+Street, S.W., and cheques should be made payable to her.
+
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THE ELECT ARE PRIVILEGED TO SEE THE FINISHED STATUE OF HERCULES BY A
+CELEBRATED SCULPTOR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF THE HOME.
+
+IV.--THE BARRISTER HUSBAND.
+
+  _How doth the Barrister delight,_
+    _According to his sort,_
+  _To mix in any form of fight_
+    _In any kind of Court._
+
+  When Nurse's temper runs amok,
+    And Cook is by the ears,
+  And all the home is terror-struck
+    By notices and tears,
+  And Madame begs me estimate
+    What argument or bounce'll
+  Restore and keep the peace, I state
+    Opinion of Counsel:--
+
+  "With language dignified and terse
+    And with a haughty look
+  I should annihilate the Nurse
+    And coldly crush the Cook;
+  And, if they started in to weep,
+    A word would make them stow it:--
+  'That's not effective, merely cheap;
+    And, what is more, you know it.'"
+
+  "You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book
+    By just a look?" "I should."
+  "By something terse you'd make the Nurse
+    Feel even worse?" "I would."
+  "You'd say to weep was merely cheap
+    And, what was more, they knew it?"
+  "I should," say I; and her reply
+    Is: "Come along and do it."
+
+  _How doth the Barrister delight_
+    _In any low resort,_
+  _And hurry from the losing fight_
+    _To seek another Court._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five years
+    and some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might have been
+    busy on her voice. Well, it has scarcely."--_South African
+    Paper_.
+
+Her many admirers will be glad to know this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+"HAND OVER YOUR MONEY!"
+
+"CERTAINLY, MY GOOD MAN. NOW I DON'T WANT TO BE PERSONAL, BUT YOU'VE
+GOT THE VERY FACE I WANT FOR MY NEW FILM, 'THE BAD MAN OF CRIMSON
+CREEK.' I'LL GIVE YOU FIFTY POUNDS A WEEK FOR AN EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT.
+CAN I TEMPT YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN.
+
+In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to make sure of
+a good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a bomb at Serajevo and
+ruined my plans. But now it is going to happen again. And instead of
+fighting with a vast crowd at Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk
+up into the bathroom and look out of the window. It is wonderful.
+
+Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this race. I have
+a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the course in my boat. It
+is only ten feet long, but it is very, very heavy. Still, I have rowed
+in it all over the course--with ease. Yet people talk as if it was
+a marvellous thing for eight men to row a light boat over the same
+water. Why is that? It is because the ignorant land-lubber regards
+the river Thames as a pond; or else he regards it as a river flowing
+always to the sea. He forgets about the tide. The Boat-Race is rowed
+_with the tide_; they deliberately choose a moment when the tide is
+coming in, and hope nobody will notice; and nobody does notice. The
+tide runs about three miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat
+still in the boat they would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd
+would get a good look at them, instead of seeing them for ten seconds.
+The race ought to be rowed _against_ the tide. Then it really would
+be a feat of strength; then it really would take ten years off their
+lives--perhaps more. Then perhaps small boys would drop things on them
+from the bridges, as they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do
+that now. There is a certain quiet satisfaction in dropping things
+on people, especially if they are labouring under Hammersmith Bridge
+against the tide, and I should imagine that the temptation to drop
+things on a University crew would be almost irresistible. It is not
+everyone who can look back and say, "In 1890 I hit the Oxford stroke
+in the stomach with a stone." As it is, though, I suppose they go too
+fast for that kind of thing.
+
+But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present system is
+most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the boat." Even in a
+football match it is possible for an aunt occasionally to distinguish
+her nephew and say, "Look, there is Edward." But if she says, "Look,
+there is Edward," meaning No. 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is
+imagining. All she sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats,
+or possibly the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's
+legs. If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our
+money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism into their
+"After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll about in the boat
+with a praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, but nobody really believes
+they are tired--nobody at least who has rowed on the Thames with the
+tide.
+
+No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the training
+must be terrible. Think of it. They started practising in the second
+week in January: they row the race in the fourth week in March. For
+ten weeks and more they have been "getting those hands away" and
+driving with those legs and not washing-out. For ten weeks horrible
+men with huge calves have shouted at them and cursed them and told
+them their sins, like a monk telling his beads--"Bow, you're late;
+Two, you're early; Three, you're bucketing; Four, you're not bucketing
+enough." I listen painfully, hoping against hope that at least one of
+the crew may be left out of the catalogue, that Stroke at least may be
+rowing properly. But no, Stroke is not forgotten, and even Cox doesn't
+always give complete satisfaction.
+
+Sometimes I feel that I ought to row out in my little boat and offer
+to tow the incompetents back to Putney. Yet they seem somehow to
+travel very easily and well. But, however harmoniously they swing past
+"The Doves" or quicken to thirty-five at Chiswick Eyot, I know that in
+their hearts they are hating each other. Goodness, how they must hate
+each other! For ten weeks they have been rowing together in the same
+boring boat, behind the same boring back. I read with grim interest
+about the periodical shiftings of the crew, how Stroke has moved to
+the Bow thwart, and Bow has replaced Number Three, and Number Three
+has shifted to the Stroke position. They may pretend that all this is
+a scientific matter of adjustment, of balance and weight and so forth.
+I know better. I know that Stroke is fed up with the face of Cox, and
+that the mole on Number Two's neck has got thoroughly on Bow's nerves,
+and that if Number Three has to sit any longer behind Number Four's
+expanse of back he will go mad. That is the secret of it all. But
+I suppose they each of them hate the coach, and that keeps them
+together.
+
+Of all these sufferers perhaps Cox is most to be pitied. They all have
+to eat what they're told, no doubt, yards and yards of beefsteak, and
+so on. In the old days rowing men had to drink beer at breakfast; I
+can't think of anything worse, except, perhaps, stout. But Cox doesn't
+eat anything at all. He has to get thinner and thinner. And if there
+is one thing worse, than eating beefsteak at breakfast it must be
+watching eight rowing men eating beefsteak at breakfast and not eating
+anything yourself.
+
+Yes, beyond question Cox is the real hero. I watch him dwindling,
+day by day, from nine stone to eight stone, from eight stone to seven
+stone twelve, and my heart goes out to the little fellow. And what a
+job it is! If anything goes wrong, Cox did it. He kept too far out or
+he kept too far in, or too much in the middle. But who ever heard of
+Cox doing a brilliant piece of steering, or saving the situation, or
+even rising to the occasion? His highest ambition is for _The Times_
+to say that he did his work "adequately"--like the _Second Murderer_
+in SHAKSPEARE.
+
+And at the finish he can't even pretend that he's tired, like the
+other men; even if there was any spectacular way of showing that he
+was half-frozen he couldn't do it, because he alone is responsible if
+one of the steamers runs over them and they are all drowned. We ought
+to take off our hats to Cox; though, of course, if we did, Stroke
+would think it was intended for him.
+
+But indeed I take off my hat to all of them; not because of the race,
+which, as I say, is a piece of hypocrisy, being rowed with the tide,
+but because of the terrible preparation for the race. I wonder if it
+is worth it. It is true that they have lady adorers on the towing-path
+at Putney, and it is even rumoured that they receive anonymous
+presents of chocolates. But presumably they are not allowed to eat
+them, so that these can do little to alleviate their sufferings. It is
+true also that for ever after (if their wives allow it) they can hang
+an enormous oar on the wall and contemplate it after dinner. But,
+after all, I can do that too, if I like; for I too have rowed over the
+course.
+
+And _I_ shall have a free view of the race. But none of them will see
+it at all. They will all be looking at the back of the man in front,
+except Stroke, whose eye will be riveted on the second button of Cox's
+blazer. What a life!
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shortsighted and quick-tempered Master of Hounds._
+
+"HI! WHAT D'YE MEAN BY HEADING MY HOUNDS WITH THAT INFERNAL CAR? HOW
+THE DEUCE CAN YOU HUNT IN A THING LIKE THAT, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To Let, permanent, Furnished Sitting-Boots (size 6);
+    20s."--_Local Paper_.
+
+No, thanks; we already have a pair that are no good for walking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home)_. "DO YOU
+REMEMBER WHAT THIS TUNE IS OUT OF, DOCTOR? USED TO BE ALL THE RAGE
+WHEN WE WERE IN OUR 'TEENS. TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM?"
+
+_Eminent Dyspepsia Specialist_. "THE WORDS ARE FAMILIAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.
+
+(_The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in the papers of
+late._)
+
+  Maud, when you turned me down (a year to-morrow),
+    Bidding me rise from off my suppliant knee,
+  And, while regretful if you caused me sorrow,
+    Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never be,"
+  I did not lay aside my fond ambition;
+    I told myself, in spite of what occurred,
+  "This is her lunch or three o'clock edition,
+            And not her final word."
+
+  I merely marvelled at your eccentricity,
+    Feeling convinced amid my blank amaze
+  That, though you might "absent you from felicity
+    Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase;
+  Convinced the mood impelling you to stifle
+    The aspirations that I'd dared outline
+  Was simply due to some extraneous trifle,
+            Not any flaw of mine.
+
+  A chill or toothache might have vexed you greatly;
+    Perhaps you had a corn inclined to shoot,
+  Or possibly the sugar shortage lately
+    Had proved itself abnormally acute;
+  In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated,
+    A happier time to me would surely come,
+  When my request (impassioned) would be greeted
+            With no down-pointing thumb.
+
+  Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage
+    Because that function, otherwise "quite nice,"
+  Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage"
+    Mainly composed of valedictory rice,
+  Stinging the cheek and nestling in the clothing;
+    If that was so, I share the feeling, sweet;
+  For rice in puddings I've no special loathing,
+            But I detest it neat.
+
+  If such your reason was, there 's no material
+    Objection to our union to-day;
+  No risk remains of that offensive cereal
+    Being employed in such a reckless way;
+  You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive
+    Thought that your brother is, a deadly shot;
+  Rice as a missile now is too expensive.
+            Anything doing--what?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of 50,000
+    are on their way to occupy Constantinople."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that has
+aroused the apprehensions of French chauvinists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly along
+    the coast, leaving a large booby." _"Planters and Commercial
+    Gazette" (Mauritius)._
+
+    "A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog,
+    Denikin's former headquarters, taking a huge booby."--_Same
+    Paper_.
+
+The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but we feel
+that our contemporary might have put in a claim.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE.
+
+MAN IN THE STREET. "WELL, IF THE OTHER ALLIES SAY SO TOO, THERE MUST
+BE SOMETHING IN IT. BUT _I_ ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THE _GOVERNMENT_ WAS TO
+BLAME FOR EVERYTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 8th_.--I should hesitate to call Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD
+the _Pooh-Bah_ of the Ministry, though he has something of that
+worthy's sublime self-confidence and his capacity for taking any
+number of posts. The House, which knows him both as Under-Secretary
+for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas Trade Department
+of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him answering questions
+relating to the nascent oil-wells in the United Kingdom, and to learn
+that he had become "Minister for Petroleum Affairs." But there the
+likeness ceases to be exact. _Pooh Bah's_ interest was in palm-oil.
+
+[Illustration: CARRYING ON.
+
+MR. NEAL CADDIES FOR SIR ERIC GEDDES.]
+
+A few days ago the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER facetiously compared
+the critics of the Government to the poet of _Rejected Addresses_
+who declared that it was BUONAPARTE "who makes the quartern loaf and
+Luddites rise." Out of the Government's own mouth the critics are now,
+at any rate, partially justified, for the PRIME MINISTER announced
+that the bread subsidy was to be halved, and that on and after April
+12th the quartern loaf would rise--he did not quite know where.
+
+In view of the occasional rumours of friction between Government
+departments it is pleasant to record that the Ministry of Transport
+and the War Office are on the friendliest terms. Invited to abolish,
+in the interests of the taxpayer, the cheap railway tickets now issued
+to soldiers, Mr. NEAL said it was primarily a question for the War
+Office, as in this matter Sir ERIC GEDDES would wish to move in
+harmony with Mr. CHURCHILL. As the WAR SECRETARY promptly announced
+his intention of doing his best to maintain the soldiers' privilege it
+is conjectured that he will return from the ride with Sir ERIC inside.
+
+The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech to-night, and
+acquitted himself so well that in the opinion of Members many months
+his senior he is likely to go far. The Government had proposed to
+"guillotine" the remaining Supplementary Estimates in order to get
+them through before March 31st. Some ardent economists, mainly drawn
+from the Coalition, while ready to concede the end, protested
+against the means, and proposed that the House should make its own
+arrangements.
+
+[Illustration: _RARA AVIS IN TERRIS_.
+
+"Never since the days of Icarus had there been an aviator quite like
+the right hon. gentleman [Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL]. He had displayed
+much sympathy with the Air Force and had almost been one of its
+martyrs."--_Lord HUGH CECIL_.]
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW promptly perceived the advantage of transferring from
+the Government to the House a disagreeable responsibility. Forgetting
+that he was cast for the executioner, not the hero, he murmured, "It
+is a far, far better thing," and graciously accepted the proposed
+alternative. Mr. ASQUITH, not unwilling to help in establishing a
+precedent which some day he himself may find useful, backed him up,
+and the House, as a whole, congratulating itself on its escape from
+the public executioner, cheerfully proceeded to commit _harakiri_.
+
+_Tuesday, March 9th_.--Mr. SHORTT relieved our apprehensions by
+stating that the few spurious "Bradburys" in circulation are of home
+manufacture, and that, while a few specimens emanating from Russia had
+been sent here for identification, they were so poorly executed that
+they would scarcely pass muster in this country. It is comforting to
+think that there is one British industry which has nothing to fear
+from foreign dumping, but is cheerfully forging ahead.
+
+The HOME SECRETARY also denied that there had been any remarkable
+increase in pocket-picking or that schools existed for the training of
+young criminals. As Sir MAURICE DOCKRELL pointed out, there is
+indeed no need for them so long as the cinemas provide their present
+facilities. _Fagin_ has been quite knocked out by the film.
+
+The Parliamentary vocabulary extends apace. Mr. RENDALL, whose motion
+on divorce had been postponed under the new arrangements for business
+until after Easter, complained that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had "done
+him down."
+
+Part of the evening was devoted to the bread-subsidy. The debate
+incidentally illustrated the intellectual independence of Ministers.
+A few days ago Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in advocating the resumption of trade
+with Russia, declared that "the corn-bins of Russia were bulging with
+grain." To-night Mr. MCCURDY told the House that, according to his
+information, the resumption of trade With Russia was not likely to
+open up any large store of wheat or grain in the near future.
+Possibly there is no real incongruity. The grain may be there, but the
+Russians, greedy creatures, may be going to eat it themselves.
+
+_Wednesday, March 10th_.--Even in the gloomy atmosphere of the
+Upper Chamber the subject of divorce lends itself to humour. Lord
+BUCKMASTER, who introduced a Bill founded on the recommendations of
+the Royal Commission, performed his task with due solemnity, but
+some of the noble Lords who opposed it were positively skittish. Lord
+BRAYE, for example, thought that, if the Bill passed, _Who's Who_
+would require a supplement entitled _Who's Who's Wife_; and Lord
+PHILLIMORE illustrated the effects of easy divorce by a story of a
+Swiss marriage in which the bride-elect was attended by four of the
+happy man's previous spouses. He also told another of an American
+judge who, having explained that in this department of his duties he
+was "very strict," added, "Of course I make no difficulty the first
+time, but if they come again within twelve months I want a good
+reason."
+
+Mr. HOGGE led a vigorous attack on the Ministry of Transport, which
+he seemed to think had done very little for its money except to divert
+the omnibuses at Westminster and so make it more difficult for
+Members of Parliament to get to the House. Mr. KENNEDY JONES, who was
+responsible for the innovation, rather hinted that in the case of some
+Members this might not be altogether an objection. The brunt of the
+defence fell upon Mr. NEAL, owing to the regretted absence of his
+chief, who had been ordered away by his doctor for a much-needed
+holiday and was reported to be recruiting himself on the golf-links.
+If exercise is what he needs he could have got plenty of it in the
+House to-night. Thanks to a persistent minority, Members were kept
+tramping through the Lobbies for the best part of five hours, and did
+not complete the full round of eighteen divisions until 2.15 A.M.
+
+_Thursday, March 11th_.--Possibly the news of "direct action's" heavy
+cropper at the Trade Union Conference had reached the Front Bench
+before the PRIME MINISTER, in reply to a question regarding the
+shortage of labour in the building trades, bluntly attributed it
+to the stringency of the Trade Union regulations. When Mr. ADAMSON
+attempted to shift the blame on to a Government Department Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE retorted that he would be perfectly ready to deal with any
+peccant official if the Labour Leader for his part would deal with the
+Trade Unions.
+
+General SEELY repeated his familiar arguments in favour of an
+independent Air Ministry, and Mr. CHURCHILL once more defended his
+position, urging that it was better for the Air Service to have half
+a Minister in the Cabinet than none at all. To a suggestion that
+the lives of the Armenians might have been saved if we had sent more
+aeroplanes to Asia Minor, Mr. CHURCHILL replied that unfortunately the
+Armenian and Turkish populations were so intermingled that our bombs
+would be dropping indiscriminately, like the rain, "upon the just and
+unjust feller."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor_ (_who has brought friend in for supper--to
+lodging-house keeper_). "TUT, TUT, MA! CEASE YOUR APOLOGIES. WHAT IF
+THERE IS BUT TWOPENNYWORTH OF FISH AND CHIPS? BRING IT FORTH. THIS IS
+BOHEMIA!"
+
+_Ma_ (_politely bowing to stranger_). "HOW D'YE DO, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.
+
+(_By a Grateful Student of the New English Dictionary_.)
+
+  I can conjugate the modern verb "to wangle,"
+    And, if required, translate it into Greek;
+  I can even tell a wurzel from a mangel;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I still can march eight furlongs at the double,
+    Although I shall be seventy next week;
+  I can separate a bubble from a bubble;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I know a catfish differs from a seamew;
+    I don't expect Bellaggio at Belleek;
+  I know a cassowary from an emu;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I'm acquainted with the works of HENRY PURZELL
+    (My mastery of spelling is unique);
+  I repeat, I know a mangel from a wurzel;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I'm proficient both in jotting and in tittling;
+    I know a certain cure for boots that creak;
+  I can see through Mr. KEYNES and _Mr. Britling_;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I can always tell a _hari_ from a _kari_
+    ("_Harakiri_" is a silly pedant's freak);
+  I can tell the style of CAINE from that of MARIE;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I never take a DEELEY for a DOOLEY;
+    I never take a putter for a cleek;
+  I never talk of HEALY, meaning HOOLEY;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  I understand the sense of "oils are spotty";
+    I know the height of Siniolchum's peak;
+  I know that some may think my ditty dotty;
+    But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+  P.S.
+
+  I know the market price of eggs in Surrey,
+    The acreage of maize in Mozambique--
+  And now at last, thanks to immortal "MURRAY,"
+    I've learned to tell a bubble from a squeak.
+
+[Illustration: "OH, GEORGE WE MUST HAVE STEPPED OFF WITH THE WRONG
+FOOT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONSERVATISM OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you take no sides in party politics, but I
+still think you would like to hear why it is that I have gone over to
+the Independent Liberals. No, it has nothing to do with Mr. ASQUITH'S
+triumphal procession and still less with the NORTHCLIFFE Press. The
+fact is that till quite recently I belonged to the true blue Tory
+school--was indeed probably the last survivor of the Old Guard--and
+I found myself out of touch with the progressive tendencies of modern
+Toryism, its deplorable way of moving with the times, its hopeless
+habit of discarding what it would call the old shibboleths when it
+wrongly imagined them to be outworn. My decision to leave a party that
+has long ceased to deserve its honoured name was immediately due to a
+Liberal Paper which editorially ridiculed the Liberty League, formed
+for the defeat of Bolshevist propaganda, and pooh-poohed the idea of
+the existence of dangerous Bolshevist elements in the country. This
+attitude attracted me enormously; for I recalled the standpoint of the
+same paper in the days before the War--how it ridiculed the alleged
+German menace and pooh-poohed the idea of the existence of hostile
+German elements in our midst. Here, I said, is the party for me; here
+is your authentic Bourbon spirit--the type that learns nothing
+and forgets nothing; that in the midst of a changing world remains
+immovable as a rock. Yes, Sir, for a Tory of the old school there is
+no place to-day except in the ranks of Liberalism.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  SEMPER EADEM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN DRAMA BELOW STAIRS.
+
+THE "MAID'S" HOSPITALITY TO "ROBERT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATES OF EXCHANGE.
+
+Jones was reading his morning paper in the opposite corner seat with
+unusual attention, and he disregarded my greeting.
+
+"Why this absorption?" I inquired. "Usually you come to the station
+with a piece of toast behind one ear, fastening your boots as you run,
+and wake us all up with your first fine morning rapture."
+
+"I was just taking a look at the exchanges," he replied. "The mark's
+about the same price as fly-paper, and, judging by the news from New
+York, your chewing-gum is going to cost you more shortly. Do you know
+anything about the money market?"
+
+"I occasionally see it stated that 'money is plentiful' in it," I
+returned. "I should think it must be an ideal place."
+
+"The most gorgeous thing in the world is to make a bit on exchange,"
+he said. "There's such a splendid feeling of not having earned it, you
+know."
+
+"I understand exactly," I replied. "Cox once credited me with an extra
+month's pay by mistake. But I didn't realise that you ever had to
+think about money matters after having run our Mess in France."
+
+He appeared to take no offence. His capacity for being insulted in
+that direction had probably been exhausted during the period in point.
+
+"I know quite a lot about exchange," he remarked with a reminiscent
+smile. "You remember that when I got pipped in France in '15, they
+sent me out next time to Salonica. I hadn't been there very long
+before the question of exchange cropped up. In the early days most
+of us had English money only, and the villagers used to rook us
+frightfully changing it. I remember sending my batman, MacGusgogh, to
+a place for eggs, and he came back with the change for my Bradbury
+in nickel. I had a good look at it, and on each coin was the mystic
+inscription, 'DIHAP,' which is pronounced 'dinar.'
+
+"'MacGusgogh,' I said, 'you pretend to be a Scotsman and yet you've
+been diddled. This is Serbian money, and not worth a bean.'
+
+"'Oh the deceitfu' deevils,' said he, 'there's neither truth nor
+honesty in the leein' buddies, Sir. But here's your Bradbury, an', at
+onny rate, we hae the eggs, Sir, for I paid for them wi' a label off
+yin o' they Japaneesy beer bottles. It seemed an awfu' waste to spend
+guid siller on folk that dinna ken when they see it.'"
+
+I began to see the possibilities of the money market.
+
+"I was round about there till the Armistice," Jones went on, "then I
+drifted by stages to South Russia. All the Eastern countries live by
+exchange. Practically the only trade they have is playing tennis with
+each others' currency, and the headquarters of the industry in 1918
+was South Russia. I thought I'd seen the limit of low finance when I'd
+experienced the franc, lira, drachma, dinar, lev and piastre; but they
+were all child's play to the rouble in 1918."
+
+"I thought Russian money was all dud before that," I remarked.
+
+"Not a bit of it," said Jones. "You see, it's not as if there were one
+breed, so to speak, of rouble. There were KERENSKY roubles, and
+Duma roubles, and NICHOLAS roubles, and every little town had a
+rouble-works which was turning out local notes as hard as they, could
+go. I missed a fortune there by inches."
+
+"Tell me," I said, in response to his anecdotal eye.
+
+"I had a job there which consisted of going backwards and forwards on
+the railway between Otwiski and Triadropoldir in the Caucasus, a six
+days' trip. The possibilities of the situation never struck me till
+one day I, asked a shopman in Triadropoldir to give me my change in
+Otwiski roubles--both towns had their own currency, of course. He gave
+me five Otwiski roubles for one of his own town. I thought a bit about
+that, and when I got back to Otwiski I tried the same thing, and found
+I could get three Triadropoldir roubles there for one Otwiski."
+
+"I see," I remarked, as the beauty of this arrangement dawned upon me.
+
+"All I had to do therefore was to change my money in Otwiski for three
+times as much Triadropoldir currency, and then go up the line to the
+other place and change it back again, making fifteen hundred per
+cent, on the round trip. Of course you couldn't always change the full
+amount, but in a couple of months I had sixty thousand roubles--my
+valise was crammed with them--and I was only waiting to get down to
+the Field Cashier to change out and make my fortune."
+
+"And did you?" I asked.
+
+"No, I didn't. One morning the Reds arrived in Triadropoldir, and
+my servant and I only just got away with the valise on one of those
+inspection cars which you propel by pulling a handle backwards and
+forwards. A section of Red Cavalry came after us, and we took it in
+turns to work the handle."
+
+"Your servant won't ever be short of a job," I commented. "He ought to
+take to film-acting after that like a duck to water."
+
+"We soon finished my servant's ammunition and they were closing in
+on us fast. My hair had appreciably lifted my tin hat when I had a
+brain-wave and threw out a double handful of rouble notes. It worked
+like a charm; they all stopped to collect the money, and we had gone
+quite a distance before they caught us up again, I threw out more
+notes at intervals, and the last thousand roubles went just as we came
+in sight of DENIKIN'S outposts fifteen miles down the line. We were
+saved, but I had lost my fortune, for there was no chance of repeating
+the operation."
+
+I sighed. Then, without any regard for the conclusions of my
+fellow-passengers, I silently raised both my hands above my head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ordinary Man_ (_to well-fed friend_). "HULLO! HOW ARE
+THINGS WITH YOU? MAKING LOTS OF MONEY, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Yorkshireman_. "NO. WE DON'T _MAKE_ MONEY AT BRADFORD--WE JUST PICK
+IT OOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She had her hair cut short, and claimed to be a member of a
+    tilted family."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+One with a bend sinister, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A leader of fashion at Ely
+  Whose clothes were a bit down-at-heely
+      Was quite overcome
+      When he found he'd the sum
+  That would buy him a Mallaby-Deeley.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BLACK CATS' STRIKE THREAT."
+
+    _Heading in a Sunday Paper of a report of a demand made by
+    Viennese clerks for doubled salaries._
+
+For "CATS'," read "COATS'." _O_ the diff! as WORDSWORTH said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Retriever Wanted; steady good worker: retrieve feather or
+    fur, land or water."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+The exile of Amerongen could do with one of this breed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The act of the donor suggests the lines:
+
+      "'How far doth that little candle throw its beams
+      On like a good deed in a naughty world.'"
+                                             _Daily Graphic_.
+
+The author's name is not given, but we do not think he has improved
+much on SHAKSPEARE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YEOMAN TRANSFORMED.
+
+    [In accordance with the new Territorial organisation some
+    famous Yeomanry Regiments are to become Motor Machine-Gun
+    Units.]
+
+  Can a horseman turn from his heart's desire at the stroke of a
+          statesman's pen?
+  Can we learn to fight from a motor-car--we who were mounted men?
+  In a petrol-tank and a sparking-plug shall we strive to put our
+          trust,
+  And hang our spurs as a souvenir to gather reproachful rust?
+
+  Shall we never again ride knee to knee in the pomp of squadron line,
+  With head-ropes white as a mountain drift and curb chains all
+          a-shine?
+  Will they dawn no more, those glorious days when the world seemed
+          all our own,
+  Who rode as scouts on an errant quest, alive, alert, alone?
+
+  Can a man be made by a motor-car as a man is made by a horse,
+  With strength in his back and legs and arms, and a brain of swift
+          resource?
+  We cared for our mounts before ourselves, their thirst before our
+          thirst;
+  Shall we come to learn, with the same content, to think of an
+          engine first?
+
+  Grousing enough. Though times have changed a man may be needed yet.
+  Shall we stand aloof in an idle dream to nourish a vain regret?
+  Whatever England may ask of us our service must be hers;
+  And a horseman's quality 's in his heart and not in a pair of spurs.
+
+W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT MUTTON CAMPAIGN.
+
+The recent disclosures concerning the enormous stocks of frozen mutton
+held by the Ministry of Food--some of it killed two years ago--have
+put the Government on their mettle, and a vigorous campaign is now in
+preparation with the object of inducing the public to assist in the
+disposal of these overgrown supplies. Mr. Punch, being in touch with
+sources of information not accessible to the general Press, has been
+able to secure an advance copy of a popular appeal Which is about to
+be issued broadcast by the Government. It runs as follows:--
+
+"Men, Women and Children of the United Kingdom!"
+
+"The time has now arrived when each one of you is privileged to
+illumine these drab days of peace with a show of patriotism no less
+brilliant than that which lit up the dark years of war. The task that
+is demanded is a simple one, and no heavy price is exacted; all that
+is required is a single-minded concentration upon the one essential
+need of the moment.
+
+"Your Government, solicitous as always for your welfare, has during
+the past two years accumulated a vast store of nutritious mutton
+to safeguard you against the peril of starvation. That danger being
+happily averted, it is now up to you to eat the stuff. This is not
+a problem that can be tackled by half-measures. If you desire to
+preserve the financial stability of the Empire, and if you do not wish
+to go on eating antiquated corpses of Australasian sheep for the rest
+of your lives, you must set your teeth in grim earnest, eating against
+time and chewing over time. You must consume mutton for breakfast,
+mutton for luncheon, mutton for tea and mutton for dinner. In fact,
+each one of you must in the interests of the State become a mutton
+glutton.
+
+"Do you shrink from the task? Do you shirk the chop now that you
+know what is at stake? An army marches on its stomach; the nation's
+well-being hangs on yours. Henceforth, until the 'Cease Fire' sounds,
+you must fall upon the domestic enemy as our gallant soldiers fell
+upon the alien foe. No quarter must be given, no quarter, fore or
+hind, be permitted to escape. Beef must be banned and veal avoided as
+the plague; no Briton worthy of the name will claim a fowl.
+
+"What are you going to do about it? Do you intend (to borrow a
+Trans-atlantic phrase) to give the frozen mitt to the frozen mutt?
+Or are you going to take it to your bosom and give it there, or
+thereabouts, the home for which it has so long been vainly seeking?
+
+"Do it now and do it always. Let your daily motto be--'_Revenons a nos
+moutons_.'"
+
+In addition to the foregoing, every British housewife is to be
+supplied with a valuable booklet containing a number of official
+recipes for dealing with mutton. Among the tasty dishes thus described
+may be mentioned Whitehall Hash, Ministerial Mince, Reconstruction
+Rissoles, Control Cutlets and Separation Stew.
+
+Mr. Punch also learns that in honour of the campaign the Yeomen of the
+Guard are henceforth to be popularly known as the "Muttoneaters."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT OF THE DUMPS?
+
+    ["We repeat our question, therefore, and expect a 'Yes' or
+    'No' answer: _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they
+    not_?"--_Daily Mail_.]
+
+  While wealth untold lies heaped in idleness
+    We will not see the nation go to pot;
+  We ask you (kindly answer "No" or "Yes"):
+    _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_?
+
+  By many a shell-torn desolate chateau
+    Stand monumental piles of martial store
+  Reared up long since to stem a savage foe
+    By labours of the Army Service Corps;
+
+  And day by day, in spite of our advice,
+    They linger wastefully to rust and rot;
+  We ask (and let your answer be concise):
+    _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_?
+
+  No more may KELLAWAY in bland retort
+    Disguise the truth with verbal circumstance;
+  Our special correspondents still report:
+    "Entrenching tools obscure the face of France.".
+
+  The case is plain; the issue is distinct;
+    You either answer now or out you trot
+  (And kindly make that answer quite succinct):
+    _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WEDDING ROMANCE.
+
+    "The acquaintanceship soon developed into a house where Miss
+    ---- was living."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+The chief obstacle to matrimony being thus removed, there could, of
+course, be only one end to the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Committee has decided to call the contest the 'Golden
+    Apple Challenge,' having in mind the legend of Paris giving
+    a golden apple to Helen of Troy as the fairest of the three
+    beautiful women who came to ask his judgment."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Personally we never attach much importance to these Paris legends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_Master_. "HI! YOU! 'WARE BEANS. DON'T YOU KNOW BEANS WHEN YOU SEE
+'EM?"
+
+_P.-W.S._ "THEY'RE THE LITTLE THINGS THEY PUTS IN TINS WITH PORK,
+AIN'T THEY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+During the past few years the plays and stories, especially
+the stories, of ANTON TCHEHOV have so triumphantly captured
+English-speaking readers that there must be many who will welcome with
+eagerness the volume of his _Letters_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS). This happy
+chance we owe, of course, directly to Mrs. CONSTANCE GARNETT, who here
+proves once again that in her hands translation ranks as a fine art.
+Both the _Letters_ and the Biographical Sketch that precedes them are
+of extraordinary charm and interest. Because TCHEHOV'S stories are
+so conspicuously uncoloured by the personality of their writer (his
+method being, as it were, to lead the reader to a window of absolute
+transparency and bid him look for himself), it comes almost as a shock
+to find how vivid and many-hued that personality in fact was. Nor
+is it less astonishing to observe a nature so alive with sympathy
+expressing itself in an art so detached. More than once his letters to
+literary friends are concerned with a defence of this method: "Let the
+jury judge them; it's my job simply to show what sort of people they
+are." They are filled also with a thousand instances of the author's
+delight in nature, in country sights and scents, and of his love and
+understanding for animals (from which of the Tales is it that one
+recalls the dog being lifted into the cart "wearing a strained
+smile"?) Throughout too, if you have already read the eight little
+volumes that contain the stories--which I certainly advise as a
+preliminary--you will be continually experiencing the pleasure of
+recognising the inspiration for this or that remembered scene. In
+short, one of the most fascinating books that has come my way for a
+long time.
+
+I needn't pretend that _Bed and Black_ (METHUEN), by GRACE S.
+RICHMOND, is what is known to the superior as a serious work of art or
+that the men (particularly) of her creating are what would be called
+likely. But there's a sincerity about the writing which one has to
+respect. Of her two heroes, _Red_ is _Redfield Pepper Burns_, the rude
+and rugged doctor, and _Black_ is the _Rev. Robert McPherson Black_,
+the perfect paragon of a padre in an American provincial town. The
+author's main thesis is that padres are made of the right stuff.
+_Black_, who was all for getting into the War from the beginning,
+rushes off to Europe as chaplain with the first American drafts, gets
+wounded, decorated and married. The conversion of _Red Pepper_, the
+doctor, and of _Jane Ray_, who became _Mrs. Black_, is a little too
+easily contrived to be very convincing. But this is a simple work for
+simple souls who like a wholesome tale with a distinct list to the
+side of the angels. Such untoward conduct as here appears is not
+put in for its own interesting sake, but merely to bring out the
+white-souled nobility of the principals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I had to select an author likely to win the long-distance dialogue
+race of the British Isles I should, after reading _Uncle Lionel_
+(GRANT RICHARDS), unhesitatingly vote for Mr. S.P.B. MAIS. It is not
+however so much the verbosity as the gloom of Mr. MAIS'S characters
+that leaves me fretful. Nowadays, when a novel begins with a married
+hero and heroine, we should be sadly archaic if we expected the course
+of their conjugal love to run smoothly; but I protest that _Michael_
+and _Patricia_ overdid their quarrels, or, at any rate, that we are
+told too many details about them. And when these people were nasty to
+each other they could be very horrid. All which would not trouble me
+half so much if I were not sure that Mr. MAIS, in his desire to he
+forceful and modern, is inflicting a quite unnecessary handicap upon
+himself. At present he is in peril of wrecking his craft upon some
+dangerous rocks which (though I know it's not the right name for
+rocks) I will call "The Doldrums." My advice to him is to cheer up.
+And the sooner the better, for all of us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There be novelists so fertile in literary resource or so catholic in
+their choice of subject that the reader is never sure, when he
+picks up their latest masterpiece, whether he is to have a comedy of
+manners, a proletarian tragedy, a tale of Court intrigue or a satire
+on the follies of the age. To the steady-going devotee of fiction--the
+reader on the Clapham omnibus--this versatility is a source of
+annoyance rather than of attraction, and I accordingly take pleasure
+in stating that by those who like a light narrative, in which mystery
+and romance are pleasingly blended, the author of _The Pointing Man_
+can be relied upon to rill the bill every time. Conformity to type is
+a strong point with this author as far as the mystery and romance are
+concerned, but within those limits he (or she) provides an admirable
+range of scene, character and plot. In _The Further Side of the
+Door_ (HUTCHINSON), the once handsome and popular hero emerges from
+a war-hospital badly disfigured and is promptly jilted by his fiancee
+and avoided, or so he thinks, by his acquaintances. Disgusted he
+buries himself in an old haunted house in the wilds of Ireland and
+abandons himself to the practice of magic. The result is highly
+successful, for he raises, not a spirit indeed, but something much
+more desirable to a lonely young man who has been contemplating
+suicide. So much for the romance. The mystery is provided by a
+villain, an enterprising young married woman, and the sinister
+denizens of a creepy boarding-house. I heartily recommend _Punch_
+readers who like a mystery to buy the book and find out what happens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The publishers of _Sir Limpidus_ (COLLINS) call it, in large print,
+a "new and amusing novel," but I am not confident about your
+subscription to the latter part of that statement; for Mr. MARMADUKE
+PICKTHALL'S irony is either so subtle or so heavy (I cannot be
+positive which) that one may well imagine a not too dull-witted reader
+going from end to end without discovering the hidden intent. The
+subject of the tale, which has no special plot, is a numbskull
+landowner, _Sir Limpidus_, son of _Sir Busticus_, lord of Clearfount
+Abbey, and type (according to Mr. PICKTHALL) of the landowning class
+that he evidently considers ripe for abolition. As propaganda to
+that end he conducts his hero through the usual career of the
+pre-war aristocrat, sending him to public school and Varsity (those
+sufficiently broad targets), giving him a marriage, strictly _de
+convenance_, with the daughter of a peer, and finishing him off as a
+member of the Government, alarmed at Socialist hecklers and welcoming
+the War as likely to give a new direction to forces that threaten to
+become too strong for his well-meaning incompetence. "It would rouse
+the ancient spirit of the people and dispel their madness.... Even
+defeat as a united nation would be better than ignoble peace with the
+anarchic mob supreme." Of course this may be highly amusing, but--
+The fact is that, with a disappointment the greater from having genial
+memories of a former book of his, I have to confess myself one of
+the dullards for whom Mr. PICKTHALL'S satirical darts fall apparently
+pointless. I am sorry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am feeling a little peevish about _Ladies in Waiting_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), because Miss KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN has often charmed me by
+her writing in the past, and now she has disappointed me. Her latest
+book contains five stories, all nicely written and set in charming
+scenes; but their innocent sweetness is very nearly insipid, and
+the fact that Miss WIGGIN'S only concern has been to find suitable
+husbands for her six heroines (there are two in one story) makes them
+curiously unexciting. Of course we all know that in American
+fiction the hero and heroine will in the end marry, to their mutual
+satisfaction; but unless the author can contrive _en route_ a few
+obstacles which will intrigue the reader a marriage announcement in
+the newspapers would be more economical and quite as interesting. It
+is difficult to be "nice" and "funny," I know, and it was very noble
+of Miss WIGGIN if one quality had to be left out to cling to the
+niceness; but I hope that in her next book she will manage to be both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+While reading _With the Mad 17th to Italy_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) I could
+not help feeling sorry that the public's appetite for war-literature
+is reported to have become a little jaded for anything that is not
+a book of revelations; and this because Major B.H. HODY, who was in
+command of the 17th Divisional Supply Column, describes his trek from
+Flanders to Italy with uncommon zest. It is an admirable account of
+an achievement well worth recording, and the author in his advice
+to C.O.'s, which seems to me full of wisdom and sound common-sense,
+explains how it was that "the mad 17th" were from first to last "a
+happy family." There is cause for deep sorrow in the thought that
+Major HODY died suddenly at Cologne only a few weeks after his preface
+was finished. He has left behind him a book which will be valued not
+less for what it contains than for the sake of the man who wrote it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Songs of the Links_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. Punch commends to his readers
+the work of two of his contributors, Mr. R.K. RISK and Mr. H.M.
+BATEMAN.
+
+[Illustration: GENTLEMAN (LATE OF PARACHUTE SECTION, R.A.F.) AFTER A
+BAD WEEK'S RACING LEAVES HIS HOTEL WITHOUT UNNECESSARY OSTENTATION.]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+158, MARCH 17, 1920***
+
+
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