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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15615-8.txt b/15615-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..37a3843 --- /dev/null +++ b/15615-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2137 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 17, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 17, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 13, 2005 [eBook #15615] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, MARCH 17, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15615-h.htm or 15615-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h/15615-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +MARCH 17, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +PRINCE ALBERT JOACHIM, it appears, did not take part in the attack on +a French officer at the Hotel Adlon, but only gave the signal. Always +the little Hohenzollern! + + *** + +It seems that at the last moment Mr. C. B. COCHRAN broke off +negotiations for the exclusive right to organise the CARPENTIER +wedding. + + *** + +"Will Scotland go dry?" asks _The Daily Express_. Not on purpose, we +imagine. + + *** + +A new method of stopping an omnibus by a foot-lever has been patented. +This is much better than the old plan of shaking one's umbrella at +them. + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we read, makes a study of handwriting. The only +objection that _The Times_ has to this habit is that he positively +refuses to notice the writing on the wall. + + *** + +It is rumoured that the Government will construct an experimental +tunnel between England and the United States in order (1) to cement +Anglo-American friendship, and (2) to ascertain if the Channel Tunnel +is practicable. + + *** + +Dr. C.W. COLBY, head of the Department of History, has taken Sir +AUCLAND GEDDES' place as Principal of McGill University. The report +that Sir AUCKLAND will reciprocate by taking a place in history awaits +confirmation. + + *** + +"It is quite usual nowadays," a well-known auctioneer states, "for +mill hands to keep a few orchids." We understand that by way of a +counter-stroke a number of noblemen are threatening to go in for +runner ducks. + + *** + +A Rotherham couple who have just celebrated their diamond wedding have +never tasted medicine. We ourselves have always maintained that the +taste is an acquired one. + + *** + +A Greenland falcon has been shot in the Orkneys. The view is widely +taken that the wretched bird, which must have known it wasn't in +Greenland, brought the trouble on itself. + + *** + +An alleged anarchist arrested in Munich was identified as a poet and +found Not Guilty--not guilty, that is to say, of being an anarchist. + + *** + +With reference to the pending retirement of Mr. ROBERT SMILLIE from +the Presidency of the Miners' Federation, it appears that there is +talk of arranging a farewell strike. + + *** + +The _Berlin Vorwaerts_ states that ex-Emperor CARL has been discovered +in Hungary under an assumed name. The Hungarian authorities say that +unless he is claimed within three days he will be sold to defray +expenses. + + *** + +We understand that Mr. Justice DARLING'S weekly denial of the reports +of his retirement will in future be issued on Tuesdays, instead of +Wednesdays, as hitherto. + + *** + +When hit by a bullet a tiger roars until dead, says a weekly paper, +but a tigress dies quietly. Nervous people who suffer from headaches +should therefore only shoot tigresses. + + *** + +Two out of ten houses being built at Guildford are now complete. +Builders in other parts of the country are asking who gave the word +"Go." + + *** + +"Marvellous to relate," says a Sunday paper, "a horse has just died +at Ingatestone at the age of thirty-six." Surely it is more marvellous +that it did not die before. + + *** + +It is said that the Paris Peace Conference cost two million pounds. +The latest suggestion is that, before the next war starts, tenders +for a Peace Conference shall be asked for and the lowest estimate +accepted. + + *** + +A Walsall carter has summoned a fellow-worker because during a quarrel +he stepped on his face. It was not so much that he had stepped on his +face, we understand, as the fact that he had loitered about on it. + + *** + +A painful mistake is reported from North London. It appears that a +young lady who went to a fancy-dress ball as "The Silent Wife" was +awarded the first prize for her clever impersonation of a telephone +girl. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the thoughtless tradesman who, in spite +of the notice, "Please ring the bell," deliberately knocked at the +front-door of a wooden house, has now had to pay the full cost of +rebuilding. + + *** + +After reading in her morning paper that bumping races were held +recently at Cambridge, a dear old lady expressed sorrow that the +disgraceful scenes witnessed in many dance-rooms in London had spread +to one of our older universities. + + *** + +Tyrolese hats have reappeared in London after an interval of nearly +five years. We understand that the yodel waistcoat will also be heard +this spring. + + *** + +A Welshman was fined fifteen pounds last week for fishing for salmon +with a lamp. Defendant's plea, that he was merely investigating the +scientific question of whether salmon yawn in their sleep, was not +accepted. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, ANYHOW, NO ONE COULD TELL THAT THIS WAS ONCE A +BRITISH WARM."] + + * * * * * + +MORE BOAT-RACE "INTELLIGENCE." + + "The Oxford crew had a hard training for an hour and a-half + under the direction of Mr. Harcourt Gold, who is to catch them + at Putney."--_Evening Paper_. + +But will they catch Cambridge at Barnes? + + "The Cambridge people have elected to use a scull with a + tubular shank or 'loom.' + + "Oxford are using these sculls, too."--_Evening Paper_. + +We have a silly old-fashioned preference for the use of oars in this +competition. + + * * * * * + + "On St. David's Day, Welshmen wear a leak in their + hats."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Lest they should suffer from swelled head? + + * * * * * + +THE "NEW" WORLD. + + ["Direct Action," which was regarded as a novelty suitable for + an age of reconstruction, has now, by the good sense of the + Trades Union Congress, been relegated to its proper place in + the old and discredited order of things.] + + In these, the young Millennium's years, + Whereof they loudly boomed the birth, + Promising by the lips of seers + New Heavens and a brand-new Earth, + We find the advertised attraction + In point of novelty is small, + And argument by force of action + Would seem the oldest wheeze of all. + + When Prehistoric Man desired + Communion with his maid elect, + And arts of suasion left him tired, + He took to action more direct; + Scaring her with a savage whoop or + Putting his club across her head, + He bore her in a state of stupor + Home to his stony bridal bed. + + In ages rather more refined, + Gentlemen of the King's highway, + Whose democratic tastes inclined + To easy hours and ample pay, + Would hardly ever hold their victim + Engaged in academic strife, + But raised their blunderbuss and ticked him + Off with "Your money or your life." + + So when your miners, swift to scout + The use of reason's slow appeal, + Threaten to starve our children out + And bring the country in to heel, + There's nothing, as I understand it, + So very new in this to show; + The cave-man and the cross-roads bandit + Were there before them long ago. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +FAIR WEAR AND TEAR. + +In a short time now we shall have to return this flat to its proper +tenants and arrive at some assessment of the damage done to their +effects. With regard to the other rooms, even the room which Richard +and Priscilla condescend to use as a nursery, I shall accept the +owners' estimate cheerfully enough, I think; but the case of the +drawing-room furniture is different. About the nursery I have +only heard vague rumours, but in the drawing-room I have been an +eye-witness of the facts. + +The proper tenant is a bachelor who lived here with his sister; he +will scarcely realise, therefore, what happens at 5 P.M. every day, +when there comes, as the satiric poet, LONGFELLOW, has so finely +sung-- + + "A pause in the day's occupations, + Which is known as the children's hour." + +Drawing-room furniture indeed! When one considers the buildings and +munition dumps, the live and rolling stock, the jungles and forests +in that half-charted territory; when one considers that even the +mere wastepaper basket by the writing-desk (and it _does_ look a bit +battered, that wastepaper basket) is sometimes the tin helmet under +which Richard defies the frightfulness of LARS PORSENA, and sometimes +a necessary stage property for Priscilla's two favourite dramatic +recitations + + "He plunged with a delighted _scweam_ + Into a bowl of clotted cweam," + +and + + "This is Mr. Piggy Wee, + With tail so pink and curly, + And when I say, 'Good mornin', pig,' + He answers _vewwy_ surly, + Oomph! Oomph!'" + +and sometimes the hutch that harbours a cotton-wool creation supposed +to be a white rabbit, and stated by the owner to be "munsin' and +munsin' and munsin' a carrot"--when, I say, I consider all these +things I anticipate that the proceedings of the Reparation Commission +will be something like this:-- + +_He (looking a little ruefully at the round music-stool)_. I suppose +your wife plays the piano a good deal? + +_I (brightly)_. If you mean the detachable steering-wheel, it is only +fair to remember that a part interchangeable between the motor-omnibus +and the steam-roller-- + +_He_. I don't understand. + +_I_. Permit me to reassemble the mechanism. + +_He_. You mean that when you put that armchair at the end of the sofa +and the music-stool in front of it-- + +_I_. I mean that the motor-omnibus driver, sitting as he does in front +of his vehicle and manipulating his steering-wheel like this, can +do little or no harm to the apparatus. On the other hand, the +steam-roller mechanic, standing _inside_ the body of the vehicle, and +having the steering-wheel in _this_ position-- + +_He_. On the sofa? + +_I_. Naturally. Well, supposing he happens to have a slight difference +of opinion with his mate as to which of them ought to do the driving, +the wheel is quite likely to be pushed off on to the macadam, where it +gets a trifle frayed round the edges. + +_He_. I see. How awfully stupid of me! And this pouffe, or whatever +they call it? + +_I_. Week in and week out, boy and girl, I have seen that dromedary +ridden over more miles of desert than I can tell you, and never once +have I known it under-fed or under-watered, or struck with anything +harder than the human fist. Of course the hump does get a little +floppy with frequent use, but considering how barren your Sahara-- + +_He_. Quite, quite. I was just looking at that armchair. Aren't there +a lot of scratches on the legs? + +_I_. Have you ever _kept_ panthers? Do you realise how impatiently +they chafe at times against the bars of their cage? Of course, if you +haven't.... + +Finally, I imagine he will see how reasonable my attitude is and how +little he has to complain of. He will recognise that one cannot deal +with complicated properties of this sort without a certain amount of +inevitable dilapidation and loss. + +As a matter of fact I have an even stronger line of argument if I +choose to take it. I can put in a counter-claim. One of the principal +attractions of old furniture, after all, is historic association. +There is the armchair, you know, that Dr. JOHNSON sat in, and the +inkpot, or whatever it was, that MARY, Queen of Scots, threw at JOHN +BUNYAN or somebody, and I have also seen garden-seats carved out of +famous battleships. And then again, if you go to Euston, or it may be +Darlington, you will find on the platform the original tea-kettle out +of which GEORGE WASHINGTON constructed the first steam-engine. The +drawing-room furniture that we are relinquishing combines the interest +of all these things. If I like I can put a placard on the sofa, before +I take its owner to see it, worded something like this:-- + +"Puffing Billy, the original steam-roller out of which this elegant +piece was carved, held the 1920 record for fourteen trips to Brighton +and back within half-an-hour." And after he has seen that I can lead +him gently on to Roaring Rupert, the arm-chair. Really, therefore, +when one comes to consider it, the man owes me a considerable sum of +money for the enhanced sentimental value that has been given to his +commonplace property. + +Mind you, I have no wish to be too hard on him. I shall be content +with a quite moderate claim, or even with no claim at all. Possibly, +now I come to think of it; I shall simply say, + +"You know what it is to have a couple of bally kids about the place. +What shall I give you to call it square?" + +And he will name a sum and offer me a cigarette, and we shall talk a +little about putting or politics. + +But it doesn't much matter. Whatever he asks he can only put it down +in the receipts' column of his account-book under the heading of +"Depreciation of Furniture," whereas in my expenses it will stand as +"Richard and Priscilla: for Adventures, Travel and Romance." + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM + +(MARCH 17). + +THE IDYLLIST OF DOWNING STREET (_with four-leaved shamrock_). "SHE +LOVES ME! SHE--BUT PERHAPS I'D BETTER NOT GO ANY FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor_. "AND HOW IS YOUR NEWLY-MARRIED DAUGHTER?" + +_Mrs. Brown_. "OH, SHE'S NICELY THANK YOU. SHE FINDS HER HUSBAND A BIT +DULL; BUT AS I TELLS HER, THE GOOD 'UNS _ARE_ DULL."] + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORT IN THE LOWER ALPS. + +About two months ago, after a course of travel literature and some +back numbers of _The Badminton Magazine_, I became infected with a +desire to spend a winter in the Alps, skating, sliding, curling and +yodelling in the intervals of ski-ing, skijoring, skilacking and +skihandlung. The very names of the pastimes conjured up a picture +of swift and healthy activity. As the pamphlets assured me, I should +return a new man; and, though I am greatly attached to the old one, I +recognised that improvement was possible. + +I don't remember how it came about that I finally chose Freidegg +among the multiplicity of winter-sport stations whose descriptions +approximated to those of Heaven. I expect Frederick forced the choice +upon me; Frederick had been to Switzerland every winter from 1906 to +1913 and knew the ropes. I somehow gathered that the ropes were of +unusual complexity. + +The entire journey was passed among winter-sporters of a certain +type. From their conversation I was able to learn that Badeloden +was formerly overrun by Germans; that Franzheim was excellent if you +stayed at the Grand, but at the Kurhaus the guests were unsociable, +while at the Oberalp you were not done well and the central-heating +was inefficient. + +I ventured a few questions about the sport available, but was gently +rebuked by the silence which followed before conversation was resumed +in a further discussion of comforts and social amenities. + +On arrival at the hotel I took out my skates, but, on Frederick's +advice, hid them again. "Don't let people see that you are a newcomer; +there won't be any skating for some weeks yet," said he. + +"But why not?" I objected. "The ice must be at least six inches +thick." + +"Well, it isn't done," he replied. "One's first week is spent in +settling down; you can't go straight on the ice without preparation." + +On the third day a Sports' Meeting was held, as the result of which +a programme of the season was published. It was announced that there +would be, weekly, three dances and one bridge tournament; a theatrical +performance would be given once a fortnight, and the blank evenings +filled with either a concert or an entertainment. I began to wonder +how I could squeeze in time for sleep. + +In order that boredom might not overtake the guests before evening +came, a magnificent tea was served from four to six. During the +afternoon one could visit the other hotels of the place and usually +found some function in progress. We were not expected to breakfast +before ten, and the short time that remained before lunch was spent +in a walk to the rink, where we would solemnly take a few steps on the +ice, murmur, "Not in condition yet," and return to the hotel. + +After about a fortnight of this I announced to Frederick that I was +going to skate, no matter how far from perfection the ice proved to +be. + +Frederick was indignant. + +"You'll make yourself both conspicuous and unpopular. The two +Marriotts are giving an exhibition to-morrow; if you spoil the ice for +them their show will be ruined." + +"Very well, then," said I, "I will borrow some ski and mess about on +the snow." + +"You can't do that," he replied, horrified; "the professionals are +coming next week for the open competition, and if they don't find +clean snow--" + +"All right; I'll get one of those grid-irons and course down the +ice-run. I suppose that's what the ice-run is for," said I bitterly. + +"And spoil the Alpine Derby, which you know is fixed for the tenth?" +Frederick addressed me with some severity. "Look here--you must choose +your sport and stick to it. I am a ski-er; you don't find me skating +or bobbing or curling." + +"Or ski-ing," I added. + +"Before ski-ing," he informed me, "one must have one's ski in perfect +condition. Mine are improving daily." + +Frederick in fact spent his short mornings in giving instructions as +to how his ski were to be oiled and rubbed. All the most complicated +operations of unction and massage were performed upon them, and all +the time Frederick watched over them as over a sick child. + +Next I was told that the height of the season had arrived. The round +of indoor entertainments went on and almost daily the guests walked to +some near point to witness performances by professionals who seemed to +tour the country for that purpose. + +Just when there appeared to be a slight prospect of some general +outdoor activity (and Frederick's ski were pronounced perfect) a +thaw occurred. I am bound to say that the event was received +philosophically. Not a single member of the company made any +complaint; they faced adversity like true Britons and boldly sat +in the warm hotel to save themselves for the evening. Nor did their +distress put them off their feed; they punished the tea unmercifully, +showing scarcely a sign of the aching sorrow which devoured them. + +Soon it froze again. The daily visit to the ice was made and +Frederick's ski were once more put into training. + +As for me I began to believe that there was something shameful or +disgraceful in my desire to skate. So I left secretly for Sicily. Here +I can enjoy passive entertainment without being unpleasantly chilled. + +Well, a few days ago I received from Frederick a letter, from which +the following is a quotation: "The final thaw has now occurred and the +season is ended. It has been one of the most successful on record. The +full programme was carried out to the letter; I wish you had been here +for the last Fancy Dress. My ski were really fit and I was looking +forward to some great days on the snow. I think I made a bit of a hit +too, playing _Lord Twinkles_ in _The Gay Life_." + +The ski will no doubt miss Frederick's affectionate attention; he was +very fond of them. + +Yesterday, by the purest accident I came across Claudia, like myself +enjoying the warmth and sunshine. + +"Oh, you've been to Freidegg; how lovely! I went to Kestaag this year +and was very glad to leave. Nothing to do in the evening but sit round +a fire. All day the hotel was like a wilderness and outside nothing +but a lot of men falling about in the snow. They were too tired to do +anything during the evening. It was horrid. Next time I shall be more +careful and choose a nice bright place like Freidegg." + +Next time I too shall be more careful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANOTHER BLOW FOR THE COALITION." + +_Sombre Reveller._ "IS THIS PADDINGTON?" + +_Porter._ "PADDINGTON? NO! IT'S MERSTHAM. WHY, YOU AIN'T EVEN ON THE +RIGHT RAILWAY. THIS IS SOUTH-EASTERN AND CHATHAM." + +_Reveller._ "THERE Y'ARE, Y'SEE. THAT'S WHAT COMES OF GOV'MENT CONTROL +OF RAILWAYS."] + + * * * * * + +HOUND-FOXES. + +It was really Isabel's idea. But it must be admitted that the Foxes +took it up with remarkable promptitude. How it reached them is +uncertain, but maybe the little bird that nests outside her nursery +window knows more than we do. + +The idea owed its inception to my attempt at explaining the +pink-coated horsemen depicted on an old Christmas card. I did my best, +right up to and including the "worry," in which Isabel joined with +enthusiasm. Then she went to bed. + +But not to sleep. As I passed by the open door I heard a small +excited voice expounding to a lymphatic dolly the whole mystery of +fox-hunting:-- + +"And there was a wood, and there was a smell. And all the peoploos +on '_normous_ huge high horses. And _nen_ all the hound-foxes runned +after the smell and eated it all up." + +A fortnight later, taking a short cut through the Squire's coverts, I +sat down to enjoy the glory of woodland springtime. "There was a wood +and there was a smell." There certainly was; in fact I was all but +sitting upon an earth. + +All this is credible enough. Now I hope you will believe the rest of +the story. + +A dirty sheet of paper lay near Reynard's front doorstep. Idly +curious, I picked it up. Strange paper, a form of print that I had +never seen before; marked too with dirty pads. + +It was a newspaper of sorts. Prominent notices adjured the reader to +"Write to _John Fox_ about it." The leading article was headed + +"AN APPEAL." + +"Foxes of Britain!" it began; "opposed though we have always been to +revolutionary politics, a clear line is indicated to us out of the +throes of the Re-birth. The old feudal relations between Foxes and +Men have had their day. The England that has been the paradise of the +wealthy, of the pink-coated, of the doubly second-horsed, must become +that of the oppressed, the hunted, the hand-to-mouth liver. In a +word, we have had enough of Fox-Hounds; henceforth we will have +Hound-Foxes." + +Then the policy was outlined. Foxes could not hunt hounds--no; but +they could lead them a dog's life. They had been in the past too +sporting; thought too little of their own safety, too much of the +pleasure of the Hunt and of the reputation of its country. + +Henceforth the League of Hound-Foxes would dispense justice to the +oppressors. No more forty-minute bursts over the best line in the +country; no more grass and easy fences; no more favourable crossing +points at the Whissendine Brook; no more rhapsodies in _The Field_ +over "a game and gallant fox." + +A Hound-Fox would be game, but not gallant. He would carry with him +a large-scale specially-marked map, showing where bullfinches were +unstormable; where the only gaps harboured on the far side a slimy +ditch; where woods were rideless; where wire was unmarked; where +railways lured to destruction--over and through each and every point +would the Hound-Fox entice the cursing Hunt. + +As for the Hounds, they feared no obstacles, but they hated mockery. +_They_ should be led on to the premises of sausage factories; through +villages, to be greeted as brothers-in-the-chase by forty yelping +curs; into infant-schools (that old joke), where the delighted babes +would throw arms around their necks and call them "Doggie," until both +men and hounds would begin to question whether the game were worth the +candle. + +Therefore let every eligible vulpine enroll himself to-day as a +Hound-Fox. They must be dog-foxes, rising three or over, of good +stamina, with plenty of scent, intelligent and preferably unmarried. +The League Secretary was ---- (here followed the name, earth and +covert of a well-known veteran). + +There was other matter, of course. A "Grand Prize Competition--A +Turkey a Week for Life!" was announced. A humorous article on +Earth-Stoppers and, on the "Vixens' Page," a discussion as to the +edibility of Pekinese. + +Absent-mindedly I crumpled up the astounding rag and thrust it down +the hole. + + * * * * * + +I arose stiff, bemused. The hot March sunshine and the song of +birds had left me drowsy. A glance at my watch showed me, to my +astonishment, that was tea-time. So I made my way home. + +The reception of my story was as cold as the tea. They weren't such +fools, they said, as to believe it. So, knowing your larger charity, +dear Mr. Punch, I send it to you. + +And I shall await that retrospective article in some Maytime _Field_, +entitled "A Season of Disasters." + + * * * * * + +A CRITICAL PROBLEM. + + "_The Admirable Crichton_ is still one of the most captivating + of modern plays, rich in humour, scenically 'telling' and + close-packed with Barrieisms."--_Times_. + + "'Crichton' is one of the most agreeable Barrie plays, because + it is so free from Barrieisms."--_Manchester Guardian_. + + * * * * * + +SURMISES AND SURPRISES. + +The appearance of the Dean of ST. PAUL'S at a recent social gathering +not in the character of a wet blanket, but as a teller of jocund tales +and a retailer of humorous anecdotes, must not be taken as an +isolated and transient transformation, but as foreshadowing a +general conversion of writers and publicists hitherto associated with +utterances of a mordant, bitter, sardonic and pessimistic tone. + +It is rumoured at Cambridge that Mr. MAYNARD KEYNES, mollified by the +reception of his momentous work, has plunged into an orgy of optimism, +the first-fruits of which will be a treatise on _The Gastronomic +Consequences of the Peace_. Those who have been fortunate enough to +see the MS. declare that the personal sketches of Mr. CLYNES, Mr. G.H. +ROBERTS, Mr. HOOVER and M. ESCOFFIER are marked by a coruscating wit +unparalleled in the annals of Dietetics. The account of a dinner +at the "White Horse" is perhaps the _clou_ of an exceptionally +exhilarating entertainment. + +This agreeable swing of the pendulum is further illustrated by the +report that Mr. PHILIP GIBBS, by way of counteracting the depression +caused by his last book, is contemplating a palliative under the title +of _Humours of the Home Front_. It is hoped that the book will come +out serially in the pages of _The Hibbert Journal_. + +Very welcome too is the report, not yet officially confirmed, that Sir +E. RAY LANKESTER is engaged on a genial biography of Sir ARTHUR CONAN +DOYLE, with special reference to his achievements in the domain of +psychical research. + +Other similar rumours are flying about in Fleet Street, but we give +them with necessary reserve. One of them credits Mr. LYTTON +STRACHEY with the resolve to indite a panegyric of the Archbishop +of CANTERBURY. Another ascribes to Lord FISHER the preparation of a +treatise on _The Evils of Egotism_. + + * * * * * + +THE WEEK'S GREAT THOUGHT. + + "We are at a crisis, and a critical one at that."--_Sir + ARCHIBALD SALVIDGE in "The Sunday Chronicle_." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +A special matinée is to be given by Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER at the +Paladium, on Friday, March 19th, for the National Children's Adoption +Association. Mrs. LLOYD GEORGE, who makes a strong appeal for this +good work, will receive applications for tickets at 10, Downing +Street, S.W., and cheques should be made payable to her. + + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE ELECT ARE PRIVILEGED TO SEE THE FINISHED STATUE OF HERCULES BY A +CELEBRATED SCULPTOR.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE HOME. + +IV.--THE BARRISTER HUSBAND. + + _How doth the Barrister delight,_ + _According to his sort,_ + _To mix in any form of fight_ + _In any kind of Court._ + + When Nurse's temper runs amok, + And Cook is by the ears, + And all the home is terror-struck + By notices and tears, + And Madame begs me estimate + What argument or bounce'll + Restore and keep the peace, I state + Opinion of Counsel:-- + + "With language dignified and terse + And with a haughty look + I should annihilate the Nurse + And coldly crush the Cook; + And, if they started in to weep, + A word would make them stow it:-- + 'That's not effective, merely cheap; + And, what is more, you know it.'" + + "You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book + By just a look?" "I should." + "By something terse you'd make the Nurse + Feel even worse?" "I would." + "You'd say to weep was merely cheap + And, what was more, they knew it?" + "I should," say I; and her reply + Is: "Come along and do it." + + _How doth the Barrister delight_ + _In any low resort,_ + _And hurry from the losing fight_ + _To seek another Court._ + + * * * * * + + "Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five years + and some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might have been + busy on her voice. Well, it has scarcely."--_South African + Paper_. + +Her many admirers will be glad to know this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"HAND OVER YOUR MONEY!" + +"CERTAINLY, MY GOOD MAN. NOW I DON'T WANT TO BE PERSONAL, BUT YOU'VE +GOT THE VERY FACE I WANT FOR MY NEW FILM, 'THE BAD MAN OF CRIMSON +CREEK.' I'LL GIVE YOU FIFTY POUNDS A WEEK FOR AN EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT. +CAN I TEMPT YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN. + +In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to make sure of +a good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a bomb at Serajevo and +ruined my plans. But now it is going to happen again. And instead of +fighting with a vast crowd at Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk +up into the bathroom and look out of the window. It is wonderful. + +Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this race. I have +a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the course in my boat. It +is only ten feet long, but it is very, very heavy. Still, I have rowed +in it all over the course--with ease. Yet people talk as if it was +a marvellous thing for eight men to row a light boat over the same +water. Why is that? It is because the ignorant land-lubber regards +the river Thames as a pond; or else he regards it as a river flowing +always to the sea. He forgets about the tide. The Boat-Race is rowed +_with the tide_; they deliberately choose a moment when the tide is +coming in, and hope nobody will notice; and nobody does notice. The +tide runs about three miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat +still in the boat they would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd +would get a good look at them, instead of seeing them for ten seconds. +The race ought to be rowed _against_ the tide. Then it really would +be a feat of strength; then it really would take ten years off their +lives--perhaps more. Then perhaps small boys would drop things on them +from the bridges, as they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do +that now. There is a certain quiet satisfaction in dropping things +on people, especially if they are labouring under Hammersmith Bridge +against the tide, and I should imagine that the temptation to drop +things on a University crew would be almost irresistible. It is not +everyone who can look back and say, "In 1890 I hit the Oxford stroke +in the stomach with a stone." As it is, though, I suppose they go too +fast for that kind of thing. + +But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present system is +most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the boat." Even in a +football match it is possible for an aunt occasionally to distinguish +her nephew and say, "Look, there is Edward." But if she says, "Look, +there is Edward," meaning No. 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is +imagining. All she sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats, +or possibly the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's +legs. If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our +money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism into their +"After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll about in the boat +with a praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, but nobody really believes +they are tired--nobody at least who has rowed on the Thames with the +tide. + +No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the training +must be terrible. Think of it. They started practising in the second +week in January: they row the race in the fourth week in March. For +ten weeks and more they have been "getting those hands away" and +driving with those legs and not washing-out. For ten weeks horrible +men with huge calves have shouted at them and cursed them and told +them their sins, like a monk telling his beads--"Bow, you're late; +Two, you're early; Three, you're bucketing; Four, you're not bucketing +enough." I listen painfully, hoping against hope that at least one of +the crew may be left out of the catalogue, that Stroke at least may be +rowing properly. But no, Stroke is not forgotten, and even Cox doesn't +always give complete satisfaction. + +Sometimes I feel that I ought to row out in my little boat and offer +to tow the incompetents back to Putney. Yet they seem somehow to +travel very easily and well. But, however harmoniously they swing past +"The Doves" or quicken to thirty-five at Chiswick Eyot, I know that in +their hearts they are hating each other. Goodness, how they must hate +each other! For ten weeks they have been rowing together in the same +boring boat, behind the same boring back. I read with grim interest +about the periodical shiftings of the crew, how Stroke has moved to +the Bow thwart, and Bow has replaced Number Three, and Number Three +has shifted to the Stroke position. They may pretend that all this is +a scientific matter of adjustment, of balance and weight and so forth. +I know better. I know that Stroke is fed up with the face of Cox, and +that the mole on Number Two's neck has got thoroughly on Bow's nerves, +and that if Number Three has to sit any longer behind Number Four's +expanse of back he will go mad. That is the secret of it all. But +I suppose they each of them hate the coach, and that keeps them +together. + +Of all these sufferers perhaps Cox is most to be pitied. They all have +to eat what they're told, no doubt, yards and yards of beefsteak, and +so on. In the old days rowing men had to drink beer at breakfast; I +can't think of anything worse, except, perhaps, stout. But Cox doesn't +eat anything at all. He has to get thinner and thinner. And if there +is one thing worse, than eating beefsteak at breakfast it must be +watching eight rowing men eating beefsteak at breakfast and not eating +anything yourself. + +Yes, beyond question Cox is the real hero. I watch him dwindling, +day by day, from nine stone to eight stone, from eight stone to seven +stone twelve, and my heart goes out to the little fellow. And what a +job it is! If anything goes wrong, Cox did it. He kept too far out or +he kept too far in, or too much in the middle. But who ever heard of +Cox doing a brilliant piece of steering, or saving the situation, or +even rising to the occasion? His highest ambition is for _The Times_ +to say that he did his work "adequately"--like the _Second Murderer_ +in SHAKSPEARE. + +And at the finish he can't even pretend that he's tired, like the +other men; even if there was any spectacular way of showing that he +was half-frozen he couldn't do it, because he alone is responsible if +one of the steamers runs over them and they are all drowned. We ought +to take off our hats to Cox; though, of course, if we did, Stroke +would think it was intended for him. + +But indeed I take off my hat to all of them; not because of the race, +which, as I say, is a piece of hypocrisy, being rowed with the tide, +but because of the terrible preparation for the race. I wonder if it +is worth it. It is true that they have lady adorers on the towing-path +at Putney, and it is even rumoured that they receive anonymous +presents of chocolates. But presumably they are not allowed to eat +them, so that these can do little to alleviate their sufferings. It is +true also that for ever after (if their wives allow it) they can hang +an enormous oar on the wall and contemplate it after dinner. But, +after all, I can do that too, if I like; for I too have rowed over the +course. + +And _I_ shall have a free view of the race. But none of them will see +it at all. They will all be looking at the back of the man in front, +except Stroke, whose eye will be riveted on the second button of Cox's +blazer. What a life! + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shortsighted and quick-tempered Master of Hounds._ + +"HI! WHAT D'YE MEAN BY HEADING MY HOUNDS WITH THAT INFERNAL CAR? HOW +THE DEUCE CAN YOU HUNT IN A THING LIKE THAT, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + "To Let, permanent, Furnished Sitting-Boots (size 6); + 20s."--_Local Paper_. + +No, thanks; we already have a pair that are no good for walking. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home)_. "DO YOU +REMEMBER WHAT THIS TUNE IS OUT OF, DOCTOR? USED TO BE ALL THE RAGE +WHEN WE WERE IN OUR 'TEENS. TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM?" + +_Eminent Dyspepsia Specialist_. "THE WORDS ARE FAMILIAR."] + + * * * * * + +THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING. + +(_The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in the papers of +late._) + + Maud, when you turned me down (a year to-morrow), + Bidding me rise from off my suppliant knee, + And, while regretful if you caused me sorrow, + Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never be," + I did not lay aside my fond ambition; + I told myself, in spite of what occurred, + "This is her lunch or three o'clock edition, + And not her final word." + + I merely marvelled at your eccentricity, + Feeling convinced amid my blank amaze + That, though you might "absent you from felicity + Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase; + Convinced the mood impelling you to stifle + The aspirations that I'd dared outline + Was simply due to some extraneous trifle, + Not any flaw of mine. + + A chill or toothache might have vexed you greatly; + Perhaps you had a corn inclined to shoot, + Or possibly the sugar shortage lately + Had proved itself abnormally acute; + In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated, + A happier time to me would surely come, + When my request (impassioned) would be greeted + With no down-pointing thumb. + + Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage + Because that function, otherwise "quite nice," + Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage" + Mainly composed of valedictory rice, + Stinging the cheek and nestling in the clothing; + If that was so, I share the feeling, sweet; + For rice in puddings I've no special loathing, + But I detest it neat. + + If such your reason was, there 's no material + Objection to our union to-day; + No risk remains of that offensive cereal + Being employed in such a reckless way; + You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive + Thought that your brother is, a deadly shot; + Rice as a missile now is too expensive. + Anything doing--what? + + * * * * * + + "According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of 50,000 + are on their way to occupy Constantinople."--_Daily Paper_. + +It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that has +aroused the apprehensions of French chauvinists. + + * * * * * + + "Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly along + the coast, leaving a large booby." _"Planters and Commercial + Gazette" (Mauritius)._ + + "A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog, + Denikin's former headquarters, taking a huge booby."--_Same + Paper_. + +The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but we feel +that our contemporary might have put in a claim. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE. + +MAN IN THE STREET. "WELL, IF THE OTHER ALLIES SAY SO TOO, THERE MUST +BE SOMETHING IN IT. BUT _I_ ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THE _GOVERNMENT_ WAS TO +BLAME FOR EVERYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 8th_.--I should hesitate to call Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD +the _Pooh-Bah_ of the Ministry, though he has something of that +worthy's sublime self-confidence and his capacity for taking any +number of posts. The House, which knows him both as Under-Secretary +for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas Trade Department +of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him answering questions +relating to the nascent oil-wells in the United Kingdom, and to learn +that he had become "Minister for Petroleum Affairs." But there the +likeness ceases to be exact. _Pooh Bah's_ interest was in palm-oil. + +[Illustration: CARRYING ON. + +MR. NEAL CADDIES FOR SIR ERIC GEDDES.] + +A few days ago the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER facetiously compared +the critics of the Government to the poet of _Rejected Addresses_ +who declared that it was BUONAPARTE "who makes the quartern loaf and +Luddites rise." Out of the Government's own mouth the critics are now, +at any rate, partially justified, for the PRIME MINISTER announced +that the bread subsidy was to be halved, and that on and after April +12th the quartern loaf would rise--he did not quite know where. + +In view of the occasional rumours of friction between Government +departments it is pleasant to record that the Ministry of Transport +and the War Office are on the friendliest terms. Invited to abolish, +in the interests of the taxpayer, the cheap railway tickets now issued +to soldiers, Mr. NEAL said it was primarily a question for the War +Office, as in this matter Sir ERIC GEDDES would wish to move in +harmony with Mr. CHURCHILL. As the WAR SECRETARY promptly announced +his intention of doing his best to maintain the soldiers' privilege it +is conjectured that he will return from the ride with Sir ERIC inside. + +The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech to-night, and +acquitted himself so well that in the opinion of Members many months +his senior he is likely to go far. The Government had proposed to +"guillotine" the remaining Supplementary Estimates in order to get +them through before March 31st. Some ardent economists, mainly drawn +from the Coalition, while ready to concede the end, protested +against the means, and proposed that the House should make its own +arrangements. + +[Illustration: _RARA AVIS IN TERRIS_. + +"Never since the days of Icarus had there been an aviator quite like +the right hon. gentleman [Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL]. He had displayed +much sympathy with the Air Force and had almost been one of its +martyrs."--_Lord HUGH CECIL_.] + +Mr. BONAR LAW promptly perceived the advantage of transferring from +the Government to the House a disagreeable responsibility. Forgetting +that he was cast for the executioner, not the hero, he murmured, "It +is a far, far better thing," and graciously accepted the proposed +alternative. Mr. ASQUITH, not unwilling to help in establishing a +precedent which some day he himself may find useful, backed him up, +and the House, as a whole, congratulating itself on its escape from +the public executioner, cheerfully proceeded to commit _harakiri_. + +_Tuesday, March 9th_.--Mr. SHORTT relieved our apprehensions by +stating that the few spurious "Bradburys" in circulation are of home +manufacture, and that, while a few specimens emanating from Russia had +been sent here for identification, they were so poorly executed that +they would scarcely pass muster in this country. It is comforting to +think that there is one British industry which has nothing to fear +from foreign dumping, but is cheerfully forging ahead. + +The HOME SECRETARY also denied that there had been any remarkable +increase in pocket-picking or that schools existed for the training of +young criminals. As Sir MAURICE DOCKRELL pointed out, there is +indeed no need for them so long as the cinemas provide their present +facilities. _Fagin_ has been quite knocked out by the film. + +The Parliamentary vocabulary extends apace. Mr. RENDALL, whose motion +on divorce had been postponed under the new arrangements for business +until after Easter, complained that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had "done +him down." + +Part of the evening was devoted to the bread-subsidy. The debate +incidentally illustrated the intellectual independence of Ministers. +A few days ago Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in advocating the resumption of trade +with Russia, declared that "the corn-bins of Russia were bulging with +grain." To-night Mr. MCCURDY told the House that, according to his +information, the resumption of trade With Russia was not likely to +open up any large store of wheat or grain in the near future. +Possibly there is no real incongruity. The grain may be there, but the +Russians, greedy creatures, may be going to eat it themselves. + +_Wednesday, March 10th_.--Even in the gloomy atmosphere of the +Upper Chamber the subject of divorce lends itself to humour. Lord +BUCKMASTER, who introduced a Bill founded on the recommendations of +the Royal Commission, performed his task with due solemnity, but +some of the noble Lords who opposed it were positively skittish. Lord +BRAYE, for example, thought that, if the Bill passed, _Who's Who_ +would require a supplement entitled _Who's Who's Wife_; and Lord +PHILLIMORE illustrated the effects of easy divorce by a story of a +Swiss marriage in which the bride-elect was attended by four of the +happy man's previous spouses. He also told another of an American +judge who, having explained that in this department of his duties he +was "very strict," added, "Of course I make no difficulty the first +time, but if they come again within twelve months I want a good +reason." + +Mr. HOGGE led a vigorous attack on the Ministry of Transport, which +he seemed to think had done very little for its money except to divert +the omnibuses at Westminster and so make it more difficult for +Members of Parliament to get to the House. Mr. KENNEDY JONES, who was +responsible for the innovation, rather hinted that in the case of some +Members this might not be altogether an objection. The brunt of the +defence fell upon Mr. NEAL, owing to the regretted absence of his +chief, who had been ordered away by his doctor for a much-needed +holiday and was reported to be recruiting himself on the golf-links. +If exercise is what he needs he could have got plenty of it in the +House to-night. Thanks to a persistent minority, Members were kept +tramping through the Lobbies for the best part of five hours, and did +not complete the full round of eighteen divisions until 2.15 A.M. + +_Thursday, March 11th_.--Possibly the news of "direct action's" heavy +cropper at the Trade Union Conference had reached the Front Bench +before the PRIME MINISTER, in reply to a question regarding the +shortage of labour in the building trades, bluntly attributed it +to the stringency of the Trade Union regulations. When Mr. ADAMSON +attempted to shift the blame on to a Government Department Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE retorted that he would be perfectly ready to deal with any +peccant official if the Labour Leader for his part would deal with the +Trade Unions. + +General SEELY repeated his familiar arguments in favour of an +independent Air Ministry, and Mr. CHURCHILL once more defended his +position, urging that it was better for the Air Service to have half +a Minister in the Cabinet than none at all. To a suggestion that +the lives of the Armenians might have been saved if we had sent more +aeroplanes to Asia Minor, Mr. CHURCHILL replied that unfortunately the +Armenian and Turkish populations were so intermingled that our bombs +would be dropping indiscriminately, like the rain, "upon the just and +unjust feller." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Actor_ (_who has brought friend in for supper--to +lodging-house keeper_). "TUT, TUT, MA! CEASE YOUR APOLOGIES. WHAT IF +THERE IS BUT TWOPENNYWORTH OF FISH AND CHIPS? BRING IT FORTH. THIS IS +BOHEMIA!" + +_Ma_ (_politely bowing to stranger_). "HOW D'YE DO, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +BUBBLE AND SQUEAK. + +(_By a Grateful Student of the New English Dictionary_.) + + I can conjugate the modern verb "to wangle," + And, if required, translate it into Greek; + I can even tell a wurzel from a mangel; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I still can march eight furlongs at the double, + Although I shall be seventy next week; + I can separate a bubble from a bubble; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I know a catfish differs from a seamew; + I don't expect Bellaggio at Belleek; + I know a cassowary from an emu; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I'm acquainted with the works of HENRY PURZELL + (My mastery of spelling is unique); + I repeat, I know a mangel from a wurzel; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I'm proficient both in jotting and in tittling; + I know a certain cure for boots that creak; + I can see through Mr. KEYNES and _Mr. Britling_; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I can always tell a _hari_ from a _kari_ + ("_Harakiri_" is a silly pedant's freak); + I can tell the style of CAINE from that of MARIE; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I never take a DEELEY for a DOOLEY; + I never take a putter for a cleek; + I never talk of HEALY, meaning HOOLEY; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I understand the sense of "oils are spotty"; + I know the height of Siniolchum's peak; + I know that some may think my ditty dotty; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + P.S. + + I know the market price of eggs in Surrey, + The acreage of maize in Mozambique-- + And now at last, thanks to immortal "MURRAY," + I've learned to tell a bubble from a squeak. + +[Illustration: "OH, GEORGE WE MUST HAVE STEPPED OFF WITH THE WRONG +FOOT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONSERVATISM OF THE LIBERAL PARTY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you take no sides in party politics, but I +still think you would like to hear why it is that I have gone over to +the Independent Liberals. No, it has nothing to do with Mr. ASQUITH'S +triumphal procession and still less with the NORTHCLIFFE Press. The +fact is that till quite recently I belonged to the true blue Tory +school--was indeed probably the last survivor of the Old Guard--and +I found myself out of touch with the progressive tendencies of modern +Toryism, its deplorable way of moving with the times, its hopeless +habit of discarding what it would call the old shibboleths when it +wrongly imagined them to be outworn. My decision to leave a party that +has long ceased to deserve its honoured name was immediately due to a +Liberal Paper which editorially ridiculed the Liberty League, formed +for the defeat of Bolshevist propaganda, and pooh-poohed the idea of +the existence of dangerous Bolshevist elements in the country. This +attitude attracted me enormously; for I recalled the standpoint of the +same paper in the days before the War--how it ridiculed the alleged +German menace and pooh-poohed the idea of the existence of hostile +German elements in our midst. Here, I said, is the party for me; here +is your authentic Bourbon spirit--the type that learns nothing +and forgets nothing; that in the midst of a changing world remains +immovable as a rock. Yes, Sir, for a Tory of the old school there is +no place to-day except in the ranks of Liberalism. + + Yours faithfully, + SEMPER EADEM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN DRAMA BELOW STAIRS. + +THE "MAID'S" HOSPITALITY TO "ROBERT."] + + * * * * * + +RATES OF EXCHANGE. + +Jones was reading his morning paper in the opposite corner seat with +unusual attention, and he disregarded my greeting. + +"Why this absorption?" I inquired. "Usually you come to the station +with a piece of toast behind one ear, fastening your boots as you run, +and wake us all up with your first fine morning rapture." + +"I was just taking a look at the exchanges," he replied. "The mark's +about the same price as fly-paper, and, judging by the news from New +York, your chewing-gum is going to cost you more shortly. Do you know +anything about the money market?" + +"I occasionally see it stated that 'money is plentiful' in it," I +returned. "I should think it must be an ideal place." + +"The most gorgeous thing in the world is to make a bit on exchange," +he said. "There's such a splendid feeling of not having earned it, you +know." + +"I understand exactly," I replied. "Cox once credited me with an extra +month's pay by mistake. But I didn't realise that you ever had to +think about money matters after having run our Mess in France." + +He appeared to take no offence. His capacity for being insulted in +that direction had probably been exhausted during the period in point. + +"I know quite a lot about exchange," he remarked with a reminiscent +smile. "You remember that when I got pipped in France in '15, they +sent me out next time to Salonica. I hadn't been there very long +before the question of exchange cropped up. In the early days most +of us had English money only, and the villagers used to rook us +frightfully changing it. I remember sending my batman, MacGusgogh, to +a place for eggs, and he came back with the change for my Bradbury +in nickel. I had a good look at it, and on each coin was the mystic +inscription, 'DIHAP,' which is pronounced 'dinar.' + +"'MacGusgogh,' I said, 'you pretend to be a Scotsman and yet you've +been diddled. This is Serbian money, and not worth a bean.' + +"'Oh the deceitfu' deevils,' said he, 'there's neither truth nor +honesty in the leein' buddies, Sir. But here's your Bradbury, an', at +onny rate, we hae the eggs, Sir, for I paid for them wi' a label off +yin o' they Japaneesy beer bottles. It seemed an awfu' waste to spend +guid siller on folk that dinna ken when they see it.'" + +I began to see the possibilities of the money market. + +"I was round about there till the Armistice," Jones went on, "then I +drifted by stages to South Russia. All the Eastern countries live by +exchange. Practically the only trade they have is playing tennis with +each others' currency, and the headquarters of the industry in 1918 +was South Russia. I thought I'd seen the limit of low finance when I'd +experienced the franc, lira, drachma, dinar, lev and piastre; but they +were all child's play to the rouble in 1918." + +"I thought Russian money was all dud before that," I remarked. + +"Not a bit of it," said Jones. "You see, it's not as if there were one +breed, so to speak, of rouble. There were KERENSKY roubles, and +Duma roubles, and NICHOLAS roubles, and every little town had a +rouble-works which was turning out local notes as hard as they, could +go. I missed a fortune there by inches." + +"Tell me," I said, in response to his anecdotal eye. + +"I had a job there which consisted of going backwards and forwards on +the railway between Otwiski and Triadropoldir in the Caucasus, a six +days' trip. The possibilities of the situation never struck me till +one day I, asked a shopman in Triadropoldir to give me my change in +Otwiski roubles--both towns had their own currency, of course. He gave +me five Otwiski roubles for one of his own town. I thought a bit about +that, and when I got back to Otwiski I tried the same thing, and found +I could get three Triadropoldir roubles there for one Otwiski." + +"I see," I remarked, as the beauty of this arrangement dawned upon me. + +"All I had to do therefore was to change my money in Otwiski for three +times as much Triadropoldir currency, and then go up the line to the +other place and change it back again, making fifteen hundred per +cent, on the round trip. Of course you couldn't always change the full +amount, but in a couple of months I had sixty thousand roubles--my +valise was crammed with them--and I was only waiting to get down to +the Field Cashier to change out and make my fortune." + +"And did you?" I asked. + +"No, I didn't. One morning the Reds arrived in Triadropoldir, and +my servant and I only just got away with the valise on one of those +inspection cars which you propel by pulling a handle backwards and +forwards. A section of Red Cavalry came after us, and we took it in +turns to work the handle." + +"Your servant won't ever be short of a job," I commented. "He ought to +take to film-acting after that like a duck to water." + +"We soon finished my servant's ammunition and they were closing in +on us fast. My hair had appreciably lifted my tin hat when I had a +brain-wave and threw out a double handful of rouble notes. It worked +like a charm; they all stopped to collect the money, and we had gone +quite a distance before they caught us up again, I threw out more +notes at intervals, and the last thousand roubles went just as we came +in sight of DENIKIN'S outposts fifteen miles down the line. We were +saved, but I had lost my fortune, for there was no chance of repeating +the operation." + +I sighed. Then, without any regard for the conclusions of my +fellow-passengers, I silently raised both my hands above my head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ordinary Man_ (_to well-fed friend_). "HULLO! HOW ARE +THINGS WITH YOU? MAKING LOTS OF MONEY, I SUPPOSE?" + +_Yorkshireman_. "NO. WE DON'T _MAKE_ MONEY AT BRADFORD--WE JUST PICK +IT OOP."] + + * * * * * + + "She had her hair cut short, and claimed to be a member of a + tilted family."--_Provincial Paper_. + +One with a bend sinister, we presume. + + * * * * * + + A leader of fashion at Ely + Whose clothes were a bit down-at-heely + Was quite overcome + When he found he'd the sum + That would buy him a Mallaby-Deeley. + + * * * * * + + "BLACK CATS' STRIKE THREAT." + + _Heading in a Sunday Paper of a report of a demand made by + Viennese clerks for doubled salaries._ + +For "CATS'," read "COATS'." _O_ the diff! as WORDSWORTH said. + + * * * * * + + "Retriever Wanted; steady good worker: retrieve feather or + fur, land or water."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The exile of Amerongen could do with one of this breed. + + * * * * * + + "The act of the donor suggests the lines: + + "'How far doth that little candle throw its beams + On like a good deed in a naughty world.'" + _Daily Graphic_. + +The author's name is not given, but we do not think he has improved +much on SHAKSPEARE. + + * * * * * + +THE YEOMAN TRANSFORMED. + + [In accordance with the new Territorial organisation some + famous Yeomanry Regiments are to become Motor Machine-Gun + Units.] + + Can a horseman turn from his heart's desire at the stroke of a + statesman's pen? + Can we learn to fight from a motor-car--we who were mounted men? + In a petrol-tank and a sparking-plug shall we strive to put our + trust, + And hang our spurs as a souvenir to gather reproachful rust? + + Shall we never again ride knee to knee in the pomp of squadron line, + With head-ropes white as a mountain drift and curb chains all + a-shine? + Will they dawn no more, those glorious days when the world seemed + all our own, + Who rode as scouts on an errant quest, alive, alert, alone? + + Can a man be made by a motor-car as a man is made by a horse, + With strength in his back and legs and arms, and a brain of swift + resource? + We cared for our mounts before ourselves, their thirst before our + thirst; + Shall we come to learn, with the same content, to think of an + engine first? + + Grousing enough. Though times have changed a man may be needed yet. + Shall we stand aloof in an idle dream to nourish a vain regret? + Whatever England may ask of us our service must be hers; + And a horseman's quality 's in his heart and not in a pair of spurs. + +W.K.H. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT MUTTON CAMPAIGN. + +The recent disclosures concerning the enormous stocks of frozen mutton +held by the Ministry of Food--some of it killed two years ago--have +put the Government on their mettle, and a vigorous campaign is now in +preparation with the object of inducing the public to assist in the +disposal of these overgrown supplies. Mr. Punch, being in touch with +sources of information not accessible to the general Press, has been +able to secure an advance copy of a popular appeal Which is about to +be issued broadcast by the Government. It runs as follows:-- + +"Men, Women and Children of the United Kingdom!" + +"The time has now arrived when each one of you is privileged to +illumine these drab days of peace with a show of patriotism no less +brilliant than that which lit up the dark years of war. The task that +is demanded is a simple one, and no heavy price is exacted; all that +is required is a single-minded concentration upon the one essential +need of the moment. + +"Your Government, solicitous as always for your welfare, has during +the past two years accumulated a vast store of nutritious mutton +to safeguard you against the peril of starvation. That danger being +happily averted, it is now up to you to eat the stuff. This is not +a problem that can be tackled by half-measures. If you desire to +preserve the financial stability of the Empire, and if you do not wish +to go on eating antiquated corpses of Australasian sheep for the rest +of your lives, you must set your teeth in grim earnest, eating against +time and chewing over time. You must consume mutton for breakfast, +mutton for luncheon, mutton for tea and mutton for dinner. In fact, +each one of you must in the interests of the State become a mutton +glutton. + +"Do you shrink from the task? Do you shirk the chop now that you +know what is at stake? An army marches on its stomach; the nation's +well-being hangs on yours. Henceforth, until the 'Cease Fire' sounds, +you must fall upon the domestic enemy as our gallant soldiers fell +upon the alien foe. No quarter must be given, no quarter, fore or +hind, be permitted to escape. Beef must be banned and veal avoided as +the plague; no Briton worthy of the name will claim a fowl. + +"What are you going to do about it? Do you intend (to borrow a +Trans-atlantic phrase) to give the frozen mitt to the frozen mutt? +Or are you going to take it to your bosom and give it there, or +thereabouts, the home for which it has so long been vainly seeking? + +"Do it now and do it always. Let your daily motto be--'_Revenons à nos +moutons_.'" + +In addition to the foregoing, every British housewife is to be +supplied with a valuable booklet containing a number of official +recipes for dealing with mutton. Among the tasty dishes thus described +may be mentioned Whitehall Hash, Ministerial Mince, Reconstruction +Rissoles, Control Cutlets and Separation Stew. + +Mr. Punch also learns that in honour of the campaign the Yeomen of the +Guard are henceforth to be popularly known as the "Muttoneaters." + + * * * * * + +WHAT OF THE DUMPS? + + ["We repeat our question, therefore, and expect a 'Yes' or + 'No' answer: _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they + not_?"--_Daily Mail_.] + + While wealth untold lies heaped in idleness + We will not see the nation go to pot; + We ask you (kindly answer "No" or "Yes"): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + By many a shell-torn desolate chateau + Stand monumental piles of martial store + Reared up long since to stem a savage foe + By labours of the Army Service Corps; + + And day by day, in spite of our advice, + They linger wastefully to rust and rot; + We ask (and let your answer be concise): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + No more may KELLAWAY in bland retort + Disguise the truth with verbal circumstance; + Our special correspondents still report: + "Entrenching tools obscure the face of France.". + + The case is plain; the issue is distinct; + You either answer now or out you trot + (And kindly make that answer quite succinct): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + * * * * * + + "WEDDING ROMANCE. + + "The acquaintanceship soon developed into a house where Miss + ---- was living."--_Daily Paper_. + +The chief obstacle to matrimony being thus removed, there could, of +course, be only one end to the story. + + * * * * * + + "The Committee has decided to call the contest the 'Golden + Apple Challenge,' having in mind the legend of Paris giving + a golden apple to Helen of Troy as the fairest of the three + beautiful women who came to ask his judgment."--_Daily Mail_. + +Personally we never attach much importance to these Paris legends. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Master_. "HI! YOU! 'WARE BEANS. DON'T YOU KNOW BEANS WHEN YOU SEE +'EM?" + +_P.-W.S._ "THEY'RE THE LITTLE THINGS THEY PUTS IN TINS WITH PORK, +AIN'T THEY?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +During the past few years the plays and stories, especially +the stories, of ANTON TCHEHOV have so triumphantly captured +English-speaking readers that there must be many who will welcome with +eagerness the volume of his _Letters_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS). This happy +chance we owe, of course, directly to Mrs. CONSTANCE GARNETT, who here +proves once again that in her hands translation ranks as a fine art. +Both the _Letters_ and the Biographical Sketch that precedes them are +of extraordinary charm and interest. Because TCHEHOV'S stories are +so conspicuously uncoloured by the personality of their writer (his +method being, as it were, to lead the reader to a window of absolute +transparency and bid him look for himself), it comes almost as a shock +to find how vivid and many-hued that personality in fact was. Nor +is it less astonishing to observe a nature so alive with sympathy +expressing itself in an art so detached. More than once his letters to +literary friends are concerned with a defence of this method: "Let the +jury judge them; it's my job simply to show what sort of people they +are." They are filled also with a thousand instances of the author's +delight in nature, in country sights and scents, and of his love and +understanding for animals (from which of the Tales is it that one +recalls the dog being lifted into the cart "wearing a strained +smile"?) Throughout too, if you have already read the eight little +volumes that contain the stories--which I certainly advise as a +preliminary--you will be continually experiencing the pleasure of +recognising the inspiration for this or that remembered scene. In +short, one of the most fascinating books that has come my way for a +long time. + +I needn't pretend that _Bed and Black_ (METHUEN), by GRACE S. +RICHMOND, is what is known to the superior as a serious work of art or +that the men (particularly) of her creating are what would be called +likely. But there's a sincerity about the writing which one has to +respect. Of her two heroes, _Red_ is _Redfield Pepper Burns_, the rude +and rugged doctor, and _Black_ is the _Rev. Robert McPherson Black_, +the perfect paragon of a padre in an American provincial town. The +author's main thesis is that padres are made of the right stuff. +_Black_, who was all for getting into the War from the beginning, +rushes off to Europe as chaplain with the first American drafts, gets +wounded, decorated and married. The conversion of _Red Pepper_, the +doctor, and of _Jane Ray_, who became _Mrs. Black_, is a little too +easily contrived to be very convincing. But this is a simple work for +simple souls who like a wholesome tale with a distinct list to the +side of the angels. Such untoward conduct as here appears is not +put in for its own interesting sake, but merely to bring out the +white-souled nobility of the principals. + + * * * * * + +If I had to select an author likely to win the long-distance dialogue +race of the British Isles I should, after reading _Uncle Lionel_ +(GRANT RICHARDS), unhesitatingly vote for Mr. S.P.B. MAIS. It is not +however so much the verbosity as the gloom of Mr. MAIS'S characters +that leaves me fretful. Nowadays, when a novel begins with a married +hero and heroine, we should be sadly archaic if we expected the course +of their conjugal love to run smoothly; but I protest that _Michael_ +and _Patricia_ overdid their quarrels, or, at any rate, that we are +told too many details about them. And when these people were nasty to +each other they could be very horrid. All which would not trouble me +half so much if I were not sure that Mr. MAIS, in his desire to he +forceful and modern, is inflicting a quite unnecessary handicap upon +himself. At present he is in peril of wrecking his craft upon some +dangerous rocks which (though I know it's not the right name for +rocks) I will call "The Doldrums." My advice to him is to cheer up. +And the sooner the better, for all of us. + + * * * * * + +There be novelists so fertile in literary resource or so catholic in +their choice of subject that the reader is never sure, when he +picks up their latest masterpiece, whether he is to have a comedy of +manners, a proletarian tragedy, a tale of Court intrigue or a satire +on the follies of the age. To the steady-going devotee of fiction--the +reader on the Clapham omnibus--this versatility is a source of +annoyance rather than of attraction, and I accordingly take pleasure +in stating that by those who like a light narrative, in which mystery +and romance are pleasingly blended, the author of _The Pointing Man_ +can be relied upon to rill the bill every time. Conformity to type is +a strong point with this author as far as the mystery and romance are +concerned, but within those limits he (or she) provides an admirable +range of scene, character and plot. In _The Further Side of the +Door_ (HUTCHINSON), the once handsome and popular hero emerges from +a war-hospital badly disfigured and is promptly jilted by his fiancée +and avoided, or so he thinks, by his acquaintances. Disgusted he +buries himself in an old haunted house in the wilds of Ireland and +abandons himself to the practice of magic. The result is highly +successful, for he raises, not a spirit indeed, but something much +more desirable to a lonely young man who has been contemplating +suicide. So much for the romance. The mystery is provided by a +villain, an enterprising young married woman, and the sinister +denizens of a creepy boarding-house. I heartily recommend _Punch_ +readers who like a mystery to buy the book and find out what happens. + + * * * * * + +The publishers of _Sir Limpidus_ (COLLINS) call it, in large print, +a "new and amusing novel," but I am not confident about your +subscription to the latter part of that statement; for Mr. MARMADUKE +PICKTHALL'S irony is either so subtle or so heavy (I cannot be +positive which) that one may well imagine a not too dull-witted reader +going from end to end without discovering the hidden intent. The +subject of the tale, which has no special plot, is a numbskull +landowner, _Sir Limpidus_, son of _Sir Busticus_, lord of Clearfount +Abbey, and type (according to Mr. PICKTHALL) of the landowning class +that he evidently considers ripe for abolition. As propaganda to +that end he conducts his hero through the usual career of the +pre-war aristocrat, sending him to public school and Varsity (those +sufficiently broad targets), giving him a marriage, strictly _de +convenance_, with the daughter of a peer, and finishing him off as a +member of the Government, alarmed at Socialist hecklers and welcoming +the War as likely to give a new direction to forces that threaten to +become too strong for his well-meaning incompetence. "It would rouse +the ancient spirit of the people and dispel their madness.... Even +defeat as a united nation would be better than ignoble peace with the +anarchic mob supreme." Of course this may be highly amusing, but-- +The fact is that, with a disappointment the greater from having genial +memories of a former book of his, I have to confess myself one of +the dullards for whom Mr. PICKTHALL'S satirical darts fall apparently +pointless. I am sorry. + + * * * * * + +I am feeling a little peevish about _Ladies in Waiting_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), because Miss KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN has often charmed me by +her writing in the past, and now she has disappointed me. Her latest +book contains five stories, all nicely written and set in charming +scenes; but their innocent sweetness is very nearly insipid, and +the fact that Miss WIGGIN'S only concern has been to find suitable +husbands for her six heroines (there are two in one story) makes them +curiously unexciting. Of course we all know that in American +fiction the hero and heroine will in the end marry, to their mutual +satisfaction; but unless the author can contrive _en route_ a few +obstacles which will intrigue the reader a marriage announcement in +the newspapers would be more economical and quite as interesting. It +is difficult to be "nice" and "funny," I know, and it was very noble +of Miss WIGGIN if one quality had to be left out to cling to the +niceness; but I hope that in her next book she will manage to be both. + + * * * * * + +While reading _With the Mad 17th to Italy_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) I could +not help feeling sorry that the public's appetite for war-literature +is reported to have become a little jaded for anything that is not +a book of revelations; and this because Major B.H. HODY, who was in +command of the 17th Divisional Supply Column, describes his trek from +Flanders to Italy with uncommon zest. It is an admirable account of +an achievement well worth recording, and the author in his advice +to C.O.'s, which seems to me full of wisdom and sound common-sense, +explains how it was that "the mad 17th" were from first to last "a +happy family." There is cause for deep sorrow in the thought that +Major HODY died suddenly at Cologne only a few weeks after his preface +was finished. He has left behind him a book which will be valued not +less for what it contains than for the sake of the man who wrote it. + + * * * * * + +In _Songs of the Links_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. Punch commends to his readers +the work of two of his contributors, Mr. R.K. RISK and Mr. H.M. +BATEMAN. + +[Illustration: GENTLEMAN (LATE OF PARACHUTE SECTION, R.A.F.) AFTER A +BAD WEEK'S RACING LEAVES HIS HOTEL WITHOUT UNNECESSARY OSTENTATION.] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, MARCH 17, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 15615-8.txt or 15615-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 17, 1920</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: April 13, 2005 [eBook #15615]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, MARCH 17, 1920***</p> +<br /><br /><h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH, + <br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 17, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p><span class="sc">Prince Albert Joachim</span>, it appears, + did not take part in the attack on a French officer at the + Hotel Adlon, but only gave the signal. Always the little + Hohenzollern!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It seems that at the last moment Mr. <span class="sc">C. B. + Cochran</span> broke off negotiations for the exclusive right + to organise the <span class="sc">Carpentier</span> wedding.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Will Scotland go dry?" asks <i>The Daily Express</i>. Not + on purpose, we imagine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new method of stopping an omnibus by a foot-lever has been + patented. This is much better than the old plan of shaking + one's umbrella at them.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, we read, makes a + study of handwriting. The only objection that <i>The Times</i> + has to this habit is that he positively refuses to notice the + writing on the wall.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that the Government will construct an + experimental tunnel between England and the United States in + order (1) to cement Anglo-American friendship, and (2) to + ascertain if the Channel Tunnel is practicable.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Dr. <span class="sc">C.W. Colby</span>, head of the + Department of History, has taken Sir <span class="sc">Aucland + Geddes'</span> place as Principal of McGill University. The + report that Sir <span class="sc">Auckland</span> will + reciprocate by taking a place in history awaits + confirmation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is quite usual nowadays," a well-known auctioneer + states, "for mill hands to keep a few orchids." We understand + that by way of a counter-stroke a number of noblemen are + threatening to go in for runner ducks.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Rotherham couple who have just celebrated their diamond + wedding have never tasted medicine. We ourselves have always + maintained that the taste is an acquired one.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Greenland falcon has been shot in the Orkneys. The view is + widely taken that the wretched bird, which must have known it + wasn't in Greenland, brought the trouble on itself.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An alleged anarchist arrested in Munich was identified as a + poet and found Not Guilty—not guilty, that is to say, of + being an anarchist.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the pending retirement of Mr. + <span class="sc">Robert Smillie</span> from the + Presidency of the Miners' Federation, it appears that + there is talk of arranging a farewell strike.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Berlin Vorwaerts</i> states that ex-Emperor + <span class="sc">Carl</span> has been discovered in Hungary + under an assumed name. The Hungarian authorities say that + unless he is claimed within three days he will be sold to + defray expenses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that Mr. Justice <span class= + "sc">Darling's</span> weekly denial of the reports of his + retirement will in future be issued on Tuesdays, instead of + Wednesdays, as hitherto.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When hit by a bullet a tiger roars until dead, says a weekly + paper, but a tigress dies quietly. Nervous people who suffer + from headaches should therefore only shoot tigresses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two out of ten houses being built at Guildford are now + complete. Builders in other parts of the country are asking who + gave the word "Go."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Marvellous to relate," says a Sunday paper, "a horse has + just died at Ingatestone at the age of thirty-six." Surely it + is more marvellous that it did not die before.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is said that the Paris Peace Conference cost two million + pounds. The latest suggestion is that, before the next war + starts, tenders for a Peace Conference shall be asked for and + the lowest estimate accepted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Walsall carter has summoned a fellow-worker because during + a quarrel he stepped on his face. It was not so much that he + had stepped on his face, we understand, as the fact that he had + loitered about on it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A painful mistake is reported from North London. It appears + that a young lady who went to a fancy-dress ball as "The Silent + Wife" was awarded the first prize for her clever impersonation + of a telephone girl.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to learn that the thoughtless tradesman who, in + spite of the notice, "Please ring the bell," deliberately + knocked at the front-door of a wooden house, has now had to pay + the full cost of rebuilding.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>After reading in her morning paper that bumping races were + held recently at Cambridge, a dear old lady expressed sorrow + that the disgraceful scenes witnessed in many dance-rooms in + London had spread to one of our older universities.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Tyrolese hats have reappeared in London after an interval of + nearly five years. We understand that the yodel waistcoat will + also be heard this spring.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Welshman was fined fifteen pounds last week for fishing + for salmon with a lamp. Defendant's plea, that he was merely + investigating the scientific question of whether salmon yawn in + their sleep, was not accepted.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201.png" + alt= + "Well, anyhow, no one could tell that this was once a British warm." /></a> + + <p class="sc">"Well, anyhow, no one could tell that this + was once a British warm."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>More Boat-Race "Intelligence."</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The Oxford crew had a hard training for an hour and + a-half under the direction of Mr. Harcourt Gold, who is to + catch them at Putney."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But will they catch Cambridge at Barnes?</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The Cambridge people have elected to use a scull with a + tubular shank or 'loom.'</p> + + <p>"Oxford are using these sculls, too."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We have a silly old-fashioned preference for the use of oars + in this competition.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"On St. David's Day, Welshmen wear a leak in their + hats."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Lest they should suffer from swelled head?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <h2>THE "NEW" WORLD.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Direct Action," which was regarded as a novelty + suitable for an age of reconstruction, has now, by the good + sense of the Trades Union Congress, been relegated to its + proper place in the old and discredited order of + things.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In these, the young Millennium's years,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whereof they loudly boomed the birth,</p> + + <p>Promising by the lips of seers</p> + + <p class="i2">New Heavens and a brand-new Earth,</p> + + <p>We find the advertised attraction</p> + + <p class="i2">In point of novelty is small,</p> + + <p>And argument by force of action</p> + + <p class="i2">Would seem the oldest wheeze of all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Prehistoric Man desired</p> + + <p class="i2">Communion with his maid elect,</p> + + <p>And arts of suasion left him tired,</p> + + <p class="i2">He took to action more direct;</p> + + <p>Scaring her with a savage whoop or</p> + + <p class="i2">Putting his club across her head,</p> + + <p>He bore her in a state of stupor</p> + + <p class="i2">Home to his stony bridal bed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In ages rather more refined,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gentlemen of the King's highway,</p> + + <p>Whose democratic tastes inclined</p> + + <p class="i2">To easy hours and ample pay,</p> + + <p>Would hardly ever hold their victim</p> + + <p class="i2">Engaged in academic strife,</p> + + <p>But raised their blunderbuss and ticked him</p> + + <p class="i2">Off with "Your money or your life."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when your miners, swift to scout</p> + + <p class="i2">The use of reason's slow appeal,</p> + + <p>Threaten to starve our children out</p> + + <p class="i2">And bring the country in to heel,</p> + + <p>There's nothing, as I understand it,</p> + + <p class="i2">So very new in this to show;</p> + + <p>The cave-man and the cross-roads bandit</p> + + <p class="i2">Were there before them long ago.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FAIR WEAR AND TEAR.</h2> + + <p>In a short time now we shall have to return this flat to its + proper tenants and arrive at some assessment of the damage done + to their effects. With regard to the other rooms, even the room + which Richard and Priscilla condescend to use as a nursery, I + shall accept the owners' estimate cheerfully enough, I think; + but the case of the drawing-room furniture is different. About + the nursery I have only heard vague rumours, but in the + drawing-room I have been an eye-witness of the facts.</p> + + <p>The proper tenant is a bachelor who lived here with his + sister; he will scarcely realise, therefore, what happens at 5 + P.M. every day, when there comes, as the satiric poet, + <span class="sc">Longfellow</span>, has so finely + sung—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A pause in the day's occupations,</p> + + <p>Which is known as the children's hour."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Drawing-room furniture indeed! When one considers the + buildings and munition dumps, the live and rolling stock, the + jungles and forests in that half-charted territory; when one + considers that even the mere wastepaper basket by the + writing-desk (and it <i>does</i> look a bit battered, that + wastepaper basket) is sometimes the tin helmet under which + Richard defies the frightfulness of <span class="sc">Lars + Porsena</span>, and sometimes a necessary stage property for + Priscilla's two favourite dramatic recitations</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"He plunged with a delighted <i>scweam</i></p> + + <p>Into a bowl of clotted cweam,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"This is Mr. Piggy Wee,</p> + + <p class="i2">With tail so pink and curly,</p> + + <p>And when I say, 'Good mornin', pig,'</p> + + <p class="i2">He answers <i>vewwy</i> surly,</p> + + <p class="i10">Oomph! Oomph!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and sometimes the hutch that harbours a cotton-wool creation + supposed to be a white rabbit, and stated by the owner to be + "munsin' and munsin' and munsin' a carrot"—when, I say, I + consider all these things I anticipate that the proceedings of + the Reparation Commission will be something like + this:—</p> + + <p><i>He (looking a little ruefully at the round + music-stool)</i>. I suppose your wife plays the piano a good + deal?</p> + + <p><i>I (brightly)</i>. If you mean the detachable + steering-wheel, it is only fair to remember that a part + interchangeable between the motor-omnibus and the + steam-roller—</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I don't understand.</p> + + <p><i>I</i>. Permit me to reassemble the mechanism.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. You mean that when you put that armchair at the + end of the sofa and the music-stool in front of it—</p> + + <p><i>I</i>. I mean that the motor-omnibus driver, sitting as + he does in front of his vehicle and manipulating his + steering-wheel like this, can do little or no harm to the + apparatus. On the other hand, the steam-roller mechanic, + standing <i>inside</i> the body of the vehicle, and having the + steering-wheel in <i>this</i> position—</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. On the sofa?</p> + + <p><i>I</i>. Naturally. Well, supposing he happens to have a + slight difference of opinion with his mate as to which of them + ought to do the driving, the wheel is quite likely to be pushed + off on to the macadam, where it gets a trifle frayed round the + edges.</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. I see. How awfully stupid of me! And this pouffe, + or whatever they call it?</p> + + <p><i>I</i>. Week in and week out, boy and girl, I have seen + that dromedary ridden over more miles of desert than I can tell + you, and never once have I known it under-fed or under-watered, + or struck with anything harder than the human fist. Of course + the hump does get a little floppy with frequent use, but + considering how barren your Sahara—</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. Quite, quite. I was just looking at that + armchair. Aren't there a lot of scratches on the legs?</p> + + <p><i>I</i>. Have you ever <i>kept</i> panthers? Do you realise + how impatiently they chafe at times against the bars of their + cage? Of course, if you haven't....</p> + + <p>Finally, I imagine he will see how reasonable my attitude is + and how little he has to complain of. He will recognise that + one cannot deal with complicated properties of this sort + without a certain amount of inevitable dilapidation and + loss.</p> + + <p>As a matter of fact I have an even stronger line of argument + if I choose to take it. I can put in a counter-claim. One of + the principal attractions of old furniture, after all, is + historic association. There is the armchair, you know, that Dr. + <span class="sc">Johnson</span> sat in, and the inkpot, or + whatever it was, that <span class="sc">Mary</span>, Queen of + Scots, threw at <span class="sc">John Bunyan</span> or + somebody, and I have also seen garden-seats carved out of + famous battleships. And then again, if you go to Euston, or it + may be Darlington, you will find on the platform the original + tea-kettle out of which <span class="sc">George + Washington</span> constructed the first steam-engine. The + drawing-room furniture that we are relinquishing combines the + interest of all these things. If I like I can put a placard on + the sofa, before I take its owner to see it, worded something + like this:—</p> + + <p>"Puffing Billy, the original steam-roller out of which this + elegant piece was carved, held the 1920 record for fourteen + trips to Brighton and back within half-an-hour." And after he + has seen that I can lead him gently on to Roaring Rupert, the + arm-chair. Really, therefore, when one comes to consider it, + the man owes me a considerable sum of money for the enhanced + sentimental value that has been given to his commonplace + property.</p> + + <p>Mind you, I have no wish to be too hard on him. I shall be + content with a quite moderate claim, or even with no claim at + all. Possibly, now I come to think of it; I shall simply + say,</p> + + <p>"You know what it is to have a couple of bally kids about + the place. What shall I give you to call it square?"</p> + + <p>And he will name a sum and offer me a cigarette, and we + shall talk a little about putting or politics.</p> + + <p>But it doesn't much matter. Whatever he asks he can only put + it down in the receipts' column of his account-book under the + heading of "Depreciation of Furniture," whereas in my expenses + it will stand as "Richard and Priscilla: for Adventures, Travel + and Romance."</p> + + <p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/203.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/203.png" + alt="A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM" /></a><br /> + <b>A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM</b> + <br /> + (MARCH 17). + + <p><span class="sc">The Idyllist of Downing Street</span> + (<i>with four-leaved shamrock</i>). "SHE LOVES ME! + SHE—BUT PERHAPS I'D BETTER NOT GO ANY FURTHER."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/204.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204.png" + alt= + "<i>Visitor</i>. 'And how is your newly-married daughter'" /></a> + + <p><i>Visitor</i>. "<span class="sc">And how is your + newly-married daughter</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Brown</i>. "<span class="sc">Oh, she's nicely + thank you. She finds her husband a bit dull; but as I tells + her, the good 'uns <i>are</i> dull</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WINTER SPORT IN THE LOWER ALPS.</h2> + + <p>About two months ago, after a course of travel literature + and some back numbers of <i>The Badminton Magazine</i>, I + became infected with a desire to spend a winter in the Alps, + skating, sliding, curling and yodelling in the intervals of + ski-ing, skijoring, skilacking and skihandlung. The very names + of the pastimes conjured up a picture of swift and healthy + activity. As the pamphlets assured me, I should return a new + man; and, though I am greatly attached to the old one, I + recognised that improvement was possible.</p> + + <p>I don't remember how it came about that I finally chose + Freidegg among the multiplicity of winter-sport stations whose + descriptions approximated to those of Heaven. I expect + Frederick forced the choice upon me; Frederick had been to + Switzerland every winter from 1906 to 1913 and knew the ropes. + I somehow gathered that the ropes were of unusual + complexity.</p> + + <p>The entire journey was passed among winter-sporters of a + certain type. From their conversation I was able to learn that + Badeloden was formerly overrun by Germans; that Franzheim was + excellent if you stayed at the Grand, but at the Kurhaus the + guests were unsociable, while at the Oberalp you were not done + well and the central-heating was inefficient.</p> + + <p>I ventured a few questions about the sport available, but + was gently rebuked by the silence which followed before + conversation was resumed in a further discussion of comforts + and social amenities.</p> + + <p>On arrival at the hotel I took out my skates, but, on + Frederick's advice, hid them again. "Don't let people see that + you are a newcomer; there won't be any skating for some weeks + yet," said he.</p> + + <p>"But why not?" I objected. "The ice must be at least six + inches thick."</p> + + <p>"Well, it isn't done," he replied. "One's first week is + spent in settling down; you can't go straight on the ice + without preparation."</p> + + <p>On the third day a Sports' Meeting was held, as the result + of which a programme of the season was published. It was + announced that there would be, weekly, three dances and one + bridge tournament; a theatrical performance would be given once + a fortnight, and the blank evenings filled with either a + concert or an entertainment. I began to wonder how I could + squeeze in time for sleep.</p> + + <p>In order that boredom might not overtake the guests before + evening came, a magnificent tea was served from four to six. + During the afternoon one could visit the other hotels of the + place and usually found some function in progress. We were not + expected to breakfast before ten, and the short time that + remained before lunch was spent in a walk to the rink, where we + would solemnly take a few steps on the ice, murmur, "Not in + condition yet," and return to the hotel.</p> + + <p>After about a fortnight of this I announced to Frederick + that I was going to skate, no matter how far from perfection + the ice proved to be.</p> + + <p>Frederick was indignant.</p> + + <p>"You'll make yourself both conspicuous and unpopular. The + two Marriotts are giving an exhibition to-morrow; if you spoil + the ice for them their show will be ruined."</p> + + <p>"Very well, then," said I, "I will borrow some ski and mess + about on the snow."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" + id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + + <p>"You can't do that," he replied, horrified; "the + professionals are coming next week for the open competition, + and if they don't find clean snow—"</p> + + <p>"All right; I'll get one of those grid-irons and course down + the ice-run. I suppose that's what the ice-run is for," said I + bitterly.</p> + + <p>"And spoil the Alpine Derby, which you know is fixed for the + tenth?" Frederick addressed me with some severity. "Look + here—you must choose your sport and stick to it. I am a + ski-er; you don't find me skating or bobbing or curling."</p> + + <p>"Or ski-ing," I added.</p> + + <p>"Before ski-ing," he informed me, "one must have one's ski + in perfect condition. Mine are improving daily."</p> + + <p>Frederick in fact spent his short mornings in giving + instructions as to how his ski were to be oiled and rubbed. All + the most complicated operations of unction and massage were + performed upon them, and all the time Frederick watched over + them as over a sick child.</p> + + <p>Next I was told that the height of the season had arrived. + The round of indoor entertainments went on and almost daily the + guests walked to some near point to witness performances by + professionals who seemed to tour the country for that + purpose.</p> + + <p>Just when there appeared to be a slight prospect of some + general outdoor activity (and Frederick's ski were pronounced + perfect) a thaw occurred. I am bound to say that the event was + received philosophically. Not a single member of the company + made any complaint; they faced adversity like true Britons and + boldly sat in the warm hotel to save themselves for the + evening. Nor did their distress put them off their feed; they + punished the tea unmercifully, showing scarcely a sign of the + aching sorrow which devoured them.</p> + + <p>Soon it froze again. The daily visit to the ice was made and + Frederick's ski were once more put into training.</p> + + <p>As for me I began to believe that there was something + shameful or disgraceful in my desire to skate. So I left + secretly for Sicily. Here I can enjoy passive entertainment + without being unpleasantly chilled.</p> + + <p>Well, a few days ago I received from Frederick a letter, + from which the following is a quotation: "The final thaw has + now occurred and the season is ended. It has been one of the + most successful on record. The full programme was carried out + to the letter; I wish you had been here for the last Fancy + Dress. My ski were really fit and I was looking forward to some + great days on the snow. I think I made a bit of a hit too, + playing <i>Lord Twinkles</i> in <i>The Gay Life</i>."</p> + + <p>The ski will no doubt miss Frederick's affectionate + attention; he was very fond of them.</p> + + <p>Yesterday, by the purest accident I came across Claudia, + like myself enjoying the warmth and sunshine.</p> + + <p>"Oh, you've been to Freidegg; how lovely! I went to Kestaag + this year and was very glad to leave. Nothing to do in the + evening but sit round a fire. All day the hotel was like a + wilderness and outside nothing but a lot of men falling about + in the snow. They were too tired to do anything during the + evening. It was horrid. Next time I shall be more careful and + choose a nice bright place like Freidegg."</p> + + <p>Next time I too shall be more careful.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/205.png"><img width="80%" + src="images/205.png" + alt="'ANOTHER BLOW FOR THE COALITION.'" /></a> + + + <h3>"ANOTHER BLOW FOR THE COALITION."</h3> + + <p><i>Sombre Reveller.</i> "<span class="sc">Is this + Paddington</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Porter.</i> "<span class="sc">Paddington? No! It's + Merstham. Why, You ain't even on the right railway. This is + South-Eastern and Chatham</span>."</p> + + <p><i>Reveller.</i> "<span class="sc">There y'are, y'see. + That's what comes of Gov'ment control of + railways</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" + id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + + <h2>HOUND-FOXES.</h2> + + <p>It was really Isabel's idea. But it must be admitted that + the Foxes took it up with remarkable promptitude. How it + reached them is uncertain, but maybe the little bird that nests + outside her nursery window knows more than we do.</p> + + <p>The idea owed its inception to my attempt at explaining the + pink-coated horsemen depicted on an old Christmas card. I did + my best, right up to and including the "worry," in which Isabel + joined with enthusiasm. Then she went to bed.</p> + + <p>But not to sleep. As I passed by the open door I heard a + small excited voice expounding to a lymphatic dolly the whole + mystery of fox-hunting:—</p> + + <p>"And there was a wood, and there was a smell. And all the + peoploos on '<i>normous</i> huge high horses. And <i>nen</i> + all the hound-foxes runned after the smell and eated it all + up."</p> + + <p>A fortnight later, taking a short cut through the Squire's + coverts, I sat down to enjoy the glory of woodland springtime. + "There was a wood and there was a smell." There certainly was; + in fact I was all but sitting upon an earth.</p> + + <p>All this is credible enough. Now I hope you will believe the + rest of the story.</p> + + <p>A dirty sheet of paper lay near Reynard's front doorstep. + Idly curious, I picked it up. Strange paper, a form of print + that I had never seen before; marked too with dirty pads.</p> + + <p>It was a newspaper of sorts. Prominent notices adjured the + reader to "Write to <i>John Fox</i> about it." The leading + article was headed</p> + + <p class="center">"AN APPEAL."</p> + + <p>"Foxes of Britain!" it began; "opposed though we have always + been to revolutionary politics, a clear line is indicated to us + out of the throes of the Re-birth. The old feudal relations + between Foxes and Men have had their day. The England that has + been the paradise of the wealthy, of the pink-coated, of the + doubly second-horsed, must become that of the oppressed, the + hunted, the hand-to-mouth liver. In a word, we have had enough + of Fox-Hounds; henceforth we will have Hound-Foxes."</p> + + <p>Then the policy was outlined. Foxes could not hunt + hounds—no; but they could lead them a dog's life. They + had been in the past too sporting; thought too little of their + own safety, too much of the pleasure of the Hunt and of the + reputation of its country.</p> + + <p>Henceforth the League of Hound-Foxes would dispense justice + to the oppressors. No more forty-minute bursts over the best + line in the country; no more grass and easy fences; no more + favourable crossing points at the Whissendine Brook; no more + rhapsodies in <i>The Field</i> over "a game and gallant + fox."</p> + + <p>A Hound-Fox would be game, but not gallant. He would carry + with him a large-scale specially-marked map, showing where + bullfinches were unstormable; where the only gaps harboured on + the far side a slimy ditch; where woods were rideless; where + wire was unmarked; where railways lured to + destruction—over and through each and every point would + the Hound-Fox entice the cursing Hunt.</p> + + <p>As for the Hounds, they feared no obstacles, but they hated + mockery. <i>They</i> should be led on to the premises of + sausage factories; through villages, to be greeted as + brothers-in-the-chase by forty yelping curs; into + infant-schools (that old joke), where the delighted babes would + throw arms around their necks and call them "Doggie," until + both men and hounds would begin to question whether the game + were worth the candle.</p> + + <p>Therefore let every eligible vulpine enroll himself to-day + as a Hound-Fox. They must be dog-foxes, rising three or over, + of good stamina, with plenty of scent, intelligent and + preferably unmarried. The League Secretary was —— + (here followed the name, earth and covert of a well-known + veteran).</p> + + <p>There was other matter, of course. A "Grand Prize + Competition—A Turkey a Week for Life!" was announced. A + humorous article on Earth-Stoppers and, on the "Vixens' Page," + a discussion as to the edibility of Pekinese.</p> + + <p>Absent-mindedly I crumpled up the astounding rag and thrust + it down the hole.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I arose stiff, bemused. The hot March sunshine and the song + of birds had left me drowsy. A glance at my watch showed me, to + my astonishment, that was tea-time. So I made my way home.</p> + + <p>The reception of my story was as cold as the tea. They + weren't such fools, they said, as to believe it. So, knowing + your larger charity, dear Mr. Punch, I send it to you.</p> + + <p>And I shall await that retrospective article in some Maytime + <i>Field</i>, entitled "A Season of Disasters."</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Critical Problem.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"<i>The Admirable Crichton</i> is still one of the most + captivating of modern plays, rich in humour, scenically + 'telling' and close-packed with + Barrieisms."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"'Crichton' is one of the most agreeable Barrie plays, + because it is so free from Barrieisms."—<i>Manchester + Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>SURMISES AND SURPRISES.</h2> + + <p>The appearance of the Dean of <span class="sc">St. + Paul's</span> at a recent social gathering not in the character + of a wet blanket, but as a teller of jocund tales and a + retailer of humorous anecdotes, must not be taken as an + isolated and transient transformation, but as foreshadowing a + general conversion of writers and publicists hitherto + associated with utterances of a mordant, bitter, sardonic and + pessimistic tone.</p> + + <p>It is rumoured at Cambridge that Mr. <span class= + "sc">Maynard Keynes</span>, mollified by the reception of his + momentous work, has plunged into an orgy of optimism, the + first-fruits of which will be a treatise on <i>The Gastronomic + Consequences of the Peace</i>. Those who have been fortunate + enough to see the MS. declare that the personal sketches of Mr. + <span class="sc">Clynes</span>, Mr. G.H. <span class= + "sc">Roberts</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Hoover</span> and M. + <span class="sc">Escoffier</span> are marked by a coruscating + wit unparalleled in the annals of Dietetics. The account of a + dinner at the "White Horse" is perhaps the <i>clou</i> of an + exceptionally exhilarating entertainment.</p> + + <p>This agreeable swing of the pendulum is further illustrated + by the report that Mr. <span class="sc">Philip Gibbs</span>, by + way of counteracting the depression caused by his last book, is + contemplating a palliative under the title of <i>Humours of the + Home Front</i>. It is hoped that the book will come out + serially in the pages of <i>The Hibbert Journal</i>.</p> + + <p>Very welcome too is the report, not yet officially + confirmed, that Sir E. <span class="sc">Ray Lankester</span> is + engaged on a genial biography of Sir <span class="sc">Arthur + Conan Doyle</span>, with special reference to his achievements + in the domain of psychical research.</p> + + <p>Other similar rumours are flying about in Fleet Street, but + we give them with necessary reserve. One of them credits Mr. + <span class="sc">Lytton Strachey</span> with the resolve to + indite a panegyric of the Archbishop of <span class= + "sc">Canterbury</span>. Another ascribes to Lord + <span class="sc">Fisher</span> the preparation of a + treatise on <i>The Evils of Egotism</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Week's Great Thought.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"We are at a crisis, and a critical one at + that."—<i>Sir <span class="sc">Archibald + Salvidge</span> in "The Sunday Chronicle</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h4>In a Good Cause.</h4> + + <p>A special matinée is to be given by Mr. <span class= + "sc">Charles Gulliver</span> at the Paladium, on Friday, March + 19th, for the National Children's Adoption Association. Mrs. + <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, who makes a strong appeal + for this good work, will receive applications for tickets at + 10, Downing Street, S.W., and cheques should be made payable to + her.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" + id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/207.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/207.png" + alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a> + + + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p>THE ELECT ARE PRIVILEGED TO SEE THE FINISHED STATUE OF + HERCULES BY A CELEBRATED SCULPTOR.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SONGS OF THE HOME.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">IV.—<span class="sc">The Barrister + Husband.</span></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>How doth the Barrister delight,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>According to his sort,</i></p> + + <p><i>To mix in any form of fight</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>In any kind of Court.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Nurse's temper runs amok,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Cook is by the ears,</p> + + <p>And all the home is terror-struck</p> + + <p class="i2">By notices and tears,</p> + + <p>And Madame begs me estimate</p> + + <p class="i2">What argument or bounce'll</p> + + <p>Restore and keep the peace, I state</p> + + <p class="i2">Opinion of Counsel:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"With language dignified and terse</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a haughty look</p> + + <p>I should annihilate the Nurse</p> + + <p class="i2">And coldly crush the Cook;</p> + + <p>And, if they started in to weep,</p> + + <p class="i2">A word would make them stow + it:—</p> + + <p>'That's not effective, merely cheap;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, what is more, you know it.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book</p> + + <p class="i2">By just a look?" "I should."</p> + + <p>"By something terse you'd make the Nurse</p> + + <p class="i2">Feel even worse?" "I would."</p> + + <p>"You'd say to weep was merely cheap</p> + + <p class="i2">And, what was more, they knew it?"</p> + + <p>"I should," say I; and her reply</p> + + <p class="i2">Is: "Come along and do it."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>How doth the Barrister delight</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>In any low resort,</i></p> + + <p><i>And hurry from the losing fight</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>To seek another Court.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five + years and some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might + have been busy on her voice. Well, it has + scarcely."—<i>South African Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Her many admirers will be glad to know this.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" + id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208.png" + alt="BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND." /></a> + + + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p>"<span class="sc">Hand over your money</span>!"</p> + + <p>"<span class="sc">Certainly, my good man. Now I don't + want to be personal, but you've got the very face I want + for my new film, 'The Bad man of Crimson Creek.' I'll give + you fifty pounds a week for an exclusive contract. Can I + tempt you</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN.</h2> + + <p>In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to + make sure of a good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a + bomb at Serajevo and ruined my plans. But now it is going to + happen again. And instead of fighting with a vast crowd at + Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk up into the bathroom and + look out of the window. It is wonderful.</p> + + <p>Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this + race. I have a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the + course in my boat. It is only ten feet long, but it is very, + very heavy. Still, I have rowed in it all over the + course—with ease. Yet people talk as if it was a + marvellous thing for eight men to row a light boat over the + same water. Why is that? It is because the ignorant land-lubber + regards the river Thames as a pond; or else he regards it as a + river flowing always to the sea. He forgets about the tide. The + Boat-Race is rowed <i>with the tide</i>; they deliberately + choose a moment when the tide is coming in, and hope nobody + will notice; and nobody does notice. The tide runs about three + miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat still in the + boat they would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd would + get a good look at them, instead of seeing them for ten + seconds. The race ought to be rowed <i>against</i> the tide. + Then it really would be a feat of strength; then it really + would take ten years off their lives—perhaps more. Then + perhaps small boys would drop things on them from the bridges, + as they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do that now. There + is a certain quiet satisfaction in dropping things on people, + especially if they are labouring under Hammersmith Bridge + against the tide, and I should imagine that the temptation to + drop things on a University crew would be almost irresistible. + It is not everyone who can look back and say, "In 1890 I hit + the Oxford stroke in the stomach with a stone." As it is, + though, I suppose they go too fast for that kind of thing.</p> + + <p>But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present + system is most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the + boat." Even in a football match it is possible for an aunt + occasionally to distinguish her nephew and say, "Look, there is + Edward." But if she says, "Look, there is Edward," meaning No. + 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is imagining. All she + sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats, or possibly + the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's legs. + If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our + money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism + into their "After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll + about in the boat with a praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, + but nobody really believes they are tired—nobody at least + who has rowed on the Thames with the tide.</p> + + <p>No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the + training must be terrible. Think of it. They started practising + in the second week in January: they row the race in the fourth + week in March. For ten weeks and more they have been "getting + those hands away" and driving with those legs and not + washing-out. For ten weeks horrible men with huge calves have + shouted at them and cursed them and told them their sins, like + a monk telling his beads—"Bow, you're late; Two, you're + early; Three, you're bucketing; Four, you're not bucketing + enough." I listen painfully, hoping against hope that at least + one of the crew may be left out of the catalogue, that Stroke + at least may be rowing properly. But no, Stroke is not + forgotten, and even Cox doesn't always give complete + satisfaction.</p> + + <p>Sometimes I feel that I ought to <span class= + "pagenum"><a name="page209" + id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> row out in my little boat + and offer to tow the incompetents back to Putney. Yet they + seem somehow to travel very easily and well. But, however + harmoniously they swing past "The Doves" or quicken to + thirty-five at Chiswick Eyot, I know that in their hearts + they are hating each other. Goodness, how they must hate + each other! For ten weeks they have been rowing together in + the same boring boat, behind the same boring back. I read + with grim interest about the periodical shiftings of the + crew, how Stroke has moved to the Bow thwart, and Bow has + replaced Number Three, and Number Three has shifted to the + Stroke position. They may pretend that all this is a + scientific matter of adjustment, of balance and weight and + so forth. I know better. I know that Stroke is fed up with + the face of Cox, and that the mole on Number Two's neck has + got thoroughly on Bow's nerves, and that if Number Three has + to sit any longer behind Number Four's expanse of back he + will go mad. That is the secret of it all. But I suppose + they each of them hate the coach, and that keeps them + together.</p> + + <p>Of all these sufferers perhaps Cox is most to be pitied. + They all have to eat what they're told, no doubt, yards and + yards of beefsteak, and so on. In the old days rowing men had + to drink beer at breakfast; I can't think of anything worse, + except, perhaps, stout. But Cox doesn't eat anything at all. He + has to get thinner and thinner. And if there is one thing + worse, than eating beefsteak at breakfast it must be watching + eight rowing men eating beefsteak at breakfast and not eating + anything yourself.</p> + + <p>Yes, beyond question Cox is the real hero. I watch him + dwindling, day by day, from nine stone to eight stone, from + eight stone to seven stone twelve, and my heart goes out to the + little fellow. And what a job it is! If anything goes wrong, + Cox did it. He kept too far out or he kept too far in, or too + much in the middle. But who ever heard of Cox doing a brilliant + piece of steering, or saving the situation, or even rising to + the occasion? His highest ambition is for <i>The Times</i> to + say that he did his work "adequately"—like the <i>Second + Murderer</i> in <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>.</p> + + <p>And at the finish he can't even pretend that he's tired, + like the other men; even if there was any spectacular way of + showing that he was half-frozen he couldn't do it, because he + alone is responsible if one of the steamers runs over them and + they are all drowned. We ought to take off our hats to Cox; + though, of course, if we did, Stroke would think it was + intended for him.</p> + + <p>But indeed I take off my hat to all of them; not because of + the race, which, as I say, is a piece of hypocrisy, being rowed + with the tide, but because of the terrible preparation for the + race. I wonder if it is worth it. It is true that they have + lady adorers on the towing-path at Putney, and it is even + rumoured that they receive anonymous presents of chocolates. + But presumably they are not allowed to eat them, so that these + can do little to alleviate their sufferings. It is true also + that for ever after (if their wives allow it) they can hang an + enormous oar on the wall and contemplate it after dinner. But, + after all, I can do that too, if I like; for I too have rowed + over the course.</p> + + <p>And <i>I</i> shall have a free view of the race. But none of + them will see it at all. They will all be looking at the back + of the man in front, except Stroke, whose eye will be riveted + on the second button of Cox's blazer. What a life!</p> + + <p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/209.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209.png" + alt= + "<i>Shortsighted and quick-tempered Master of Hounds.</i>" /></a> + + <p><i>Shortsighted and quick-tempered Master of Hounds.</i> + "<span class="sc">Hi! What d'ye mean by heading my hounds + with that infernal car? How the deuce can you hunt in a + thing like that, Sir</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"To Let, permanent, Furnished Sitting-Boots (size 6); + 20<i>s.</i>"—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No, thanks; we already have a pair that are no good for + walking.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" + id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/210.png" + alt="Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home)." /></a> + + + <p><i>Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home)</i>. + <span class="sc">"Do you remember what this tune is out of, + Doctor? Used to be all the rage when we were in our 'teens. + Tum—tum—tum—tum—tum—tum—tum—tum?"</span></p> + + <p><i>Eminent Dyspepsia Specialist</i>. <span class= + "sc">"The words are familiar."</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.</h3> + + <p>(<i>The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in + the papers of late.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Maud, when you turned me down (a year + to-morrow),</p> + + <p class="i2">Bidding me rise from off my suppliant + knee,</p> + + <p>And, while regretful if you caused me sorrow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never + be,"</p> + + <p>I did not lay aside my fond ambition;</p> + + <p class="i2">I told myself, in spite of what + occurred,</p> + + <p>"This is her lunch or three o'clock edition,</p> + + <p class="i10">And not her final word."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I merely marvelled at your eccentricity,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feeling convinced amid my blank amaze</p> + + <p>That, though you might "absent you from felicity</p> + + <p class="i2">Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase;</p> + + <p>Convinced the mood impelling you to stifle</p> + + <p class="i2">The aspirations that I'd dared + outline</p> + + <p>Was simply due to some extraneous trifle,</p> + + <p class="i10">Not any flaw of mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A chill or toothache might have vexed you + greatly;</p> + + <p class="i2">Perhaps you had a corn inclined to + shoot,</p> + + <p>Or possibly the sugar shortage lately</p> + + <p class="i2">Had proved itself abnormally acute;</p> + + <p>In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated,</p> + + <p class="i2">A happier time to me would surely + come,</p> + + <p>When my request (impassioned) would be greeted</p> + + <p class="i10">With no down-pointing thumb.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage</p> + + <p class="i2">Because that function, otherwise "quite + nice,"</p> + + <p>Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage"</p> + + <p class="i2">Mainly composed of valedictory rice,</p> + + <p>Stinging the cheek and nestling in the clothing;</p> + + <p class="i2">If that was so, I share the feeling, + sweet;</p> + + <p>For rice in puddings I've no special loathing,</p> + + <p class="i10">But I detest it neat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If such your reason was, there 's no material</p> + + <p class="i2">Objection to our union to-day;</p> + + <p>No risk remains of that offensive cereal</p> + + <p class="i2">Being employed in such a reckless + way;</p> + + <p>You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive</p> + + <p class="i2">Thought that your brother is, a deadly + shot;</p> + + <p>Rice as a missile now is too expensive.</p> + + <p class="i10">Anything doing—what?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of + 50,000 are on their way to occupy + Constantinople."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that + has aroused the apprehensions of French chauvinists.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly + along the coast, leaving a large booby." <i>"Planters and + Commercial Gazette" (Mauritius).</i></p> + + <p>"A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog, + Denikin's former headquarters, taking a huge + booby."—<i>Same Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but + we feel that our contemporary might have put in a claim.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" + id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/211.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/211.png" + alt="THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE." /></a> + + + <h3>THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">Man in the Street</span>. "WELL, IF THE + OTHER ALLIES SAY SO TOO, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN IT. BUT + <i>I</i> ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THE <i>GOVERNMENT</i> WAS TO + BLAME FOR EVERYTHING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <!--page 212 blank--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" + id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, March 8th</i>.—I should hesitate to call + Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> the <i>Pooh-Bah</i> + of the Ministry, though he has something of that worthy's + sublime self-confidence and his capacity for taking any number + of posts. The House, which knows him both as Under-Secretary + for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas Trade + Department of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him + answering questions relating to the nascent oil-wells in the + United Kingdom, and to learn that he had become "Minister for + Petroleum Affairs." But there the likeness ceases to be exact. + <i>Pooh Bah's</i> interest was in palm-oil.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-1.png" + alt="CARRYING ON." /></a>CARRYING ON. + + <p><span class="sc">Mr. Neal caddies for Sir Eric + Geddes</span>.</p> + </div> + + <p>A few days ago the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the + Exchequer</span> facetiously compared the critics of the + Government to the poet of <i>Rejected Addresses</i> who + declared that it was <span class="sc">Buonaparte</span> "who + makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise." Out of the + Government's own mouth the critics are now, at any rate, + partially justified, for the <span class="sc">Prime + Minister</span> announced that the bread subsidy was to be + halved, and that on and after April 12th the quartern loaf + would rise—he did not quite know where.</p> + + <p>In view of the occasional rumours of friction between + Government departments it is pleasant to record that the + Ministry of Transport and the War Office are on the friendliest + terms. Invited to abolish, in the interests of the taxpayer, + the cheap railway tickets now issued to soldiers, Mr. + <span class="sc">Neal</span> said it was primarily a question + for the War Office, as in this matter Sir <span class="sc">Eric + Geddes</span> would wish to move in harmony with Mr. + <span class="sc">Churchill</span>. As the <span class="sc">War + Secretary</span> promptly announced his intention of doing his + best to maintain the soldiers' privilege it is conjectured that + he will return from the ride with Sir <span class= + "sc">Eric</span> inside.</p> + + <p>The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech + to-night, and acquitted himself so well that in the opinion of + Members many months his senior he is likely to go far. The + Government had proposed to "guillotine" the remaining + Supplementary Estimates in order to get them through before + March 31st. Some ardent economists, mainly drawn from the + Coalition, while ready to concede the end, protested against + the means, and proposed that the House should make its own + arrangements.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-2.png" + alt= + "<i>RARA AVIS IN TERRIS</i>." /></a><i>RARA + AVIS IN TERRIS</i>. + + <p>"Never since the days of Icarus had there been an + aviator quite like the right hon. gentleman [Mr. + <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span>]. He had + displayed much sympathy with the Air Force and had almost + been one of its martyrs."—<i>Lord <span class= + "sc">Hugh Cecil</span></i>.</p> + </div> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> promptly perceived the + advantage of transferring from the Government to the House a + disagreeable responsibility. Forgetting that he was cast for + the executioner, not the hero, he murmured, "It is a far, far + better thing," and graciously accepted the proposed + alternative. Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>, not unwilling + to help in establishing a precedent which some day he himself + may find useful, backed him up, and the House, as a whole, + congratulating itself on its escape from the public + executioner, cheerfully proceeded to commit + <i>harakiri</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, March 9th</i>.—Mr. <span class= + "sc">Shortt</span> relieved our apprehensions by stating that + the few spurious "Bradburys" in circulation are of home + manufacture, and that, while a few specimens emanating from + Russia had been sent here for identification, they were so + poorly executed that they would scarcely pass muster in this + country. It is comforting to think that there is one British + industry which has nothing to fear from foreign dumping, but is + cheerfully forging ahead.</p> + + <p>The <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> also denied that + there had been any remarkable increase in pocket-picking or + that schools existed for the training of young criminals. As + Sir <span class="sc">Maurice Dockrell</span> pointed out, there + is indeed no need for them so long as the cinemas provide their + present facilities. <i>Fagin</i> has been quite knocked out by + the film.</p> + + <p>The Parliamentary vocabulary extends apace. Mr. + <span class="sc">Rendall</span>, whose motion on divorce + had been postponed under the new arrangements for + business until after Easter, complained that Sir + <span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span> had "done him + down."</p> + + <p>Part of the evening was devoted to the bread-subsidy. The + debate incidentally illustrated the intellectual independence + of Ministers. A few days ago Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd + George</span>, in advocating the resumption of trade with + Russia, declared that "the corn-bins of Russia were bulging + with grain." To-night Mr. <span class="sc">McCurdy</span> told + the House that, according to his information, the resumption of + trade <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" + id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> With Russia was not likely + to open up any large store of wheat or grain in the near + future. Possibly there is no real incongruity. The grain may + be there, but the Russians, greedy creatures, may be going + to eat it themselves.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, March 10th</i>.—Even in the gloomy + atmosphere of the Upper Chamber the subject of divorce lends + itself to humour. Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span>, who + introduced a Bill founded on the recommendations of the Royal + Commission, performed his task with due solemnity, but some of + the noble Lords who opposed it were positively skittish. Lord + <span class="sc">Braye</span>, for example, thought that, if + the Bill passed, <i>Who's Who</i> would require a supplement + entitled <i>Who's Who's Wife</i>; and Lord <span class= + "sc">Phillimore</span> illustrated the effects of easy divorce + by a story of a Swiss marriage in which the bride-elect was + attended by four of the happy man's previous spouses. He also + told another of an American judge who, having explained that in + this department of his duties he was "very strict," added, "Of + course I make no difficulty the first time, but if they come + again within twelve months I want a good reason."</p> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> led a vigorous attack on + the Ministry of Transport, which he seemed to think had done + very little for its money except to divert the omnibuses at + Westminster and so make it more difficult for Members of + Parliament to get to the House. Mr. <span class="sc">Kennedy + Jones</span>, who was responsible for the innovation, rather + hinted that in the case of some Members this might not be + altogether an objection. The brunt of the defence fell upon Mr. + <span class="sc">Neal</span>, owing to the regretted absence of + his chief, who had been ordered away by his doctor for a + much-needed holiday and was reported to be recruiting himself + on the golf-links. If exercise is what he needs he could have + got plenty of it in the House to-night. Thanks to a persistent + minority, Members were kept tramping through the Lobbies for + the best part of five hours, and did not complete the full + round of eighteen divisions until 2.15 A.M.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, March 11th</i>.—Possibly the news of + "direct action's" heavy cropper at the Trade Union Conference + had reached the Front Bench before the <span class="sc">Prime + Minister</span>, in reply to a question regarding the shortage + of labour in the building trades, bluntly attributed it to the + stringency of the Trade Union regulations. When Mr. + <span class="sc">Adamson</span> attempted to shift the + blame on to a Government Department Mr. <span class= + "sc">Lloyd George</span> retorted that he would be + perfectly ready to deal with any peccant official if the + Labour Leader for his part would deal with the Trade + Unions.</p> + + <p>General <span class="sc">Seely</span> repeated his familiar + arguments in favour of an independent Air Ministry, and Mr. + <span class="sc">Churchill</span> once more defended his + position, urging that it was better for the Air Service to have + half a Minister in the Cabinet than none at all. To a + suggestion that the lives of the Armenians might have been + saved if we had sent more aeroplanes to Asia Minor, Mr. + <span class="sc">Churchill</span> replied that unfortunately + the Armenian and Turkish populations were so intermingled that + our bombs would be dropping indiscriminately, like the rain, + "upon the just and unjust feller."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/214.png" + alt= + "'Tut, tut, Ma! Cease your apologies. What if there is but twopennyworth of fish and chips? Bring it forth. This is Bohemia!'" /></a> + + <p><i>Actor</i> (<i>who has brought friend in for + supper—to lodging-house keeper</i>). + "<span class="sc">Tut, tut, Ma! Cease your apologies. + What if there is but twopennyworth of fish and chips? + Bring it forth. This is Bohemia</span>!"</p> + + <p><i>Ma</i> (<i>politely bowing to stranger</i>). + "<span class="sc">How d'ye do, Sir</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" + id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> + + <h3>BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>By a Grateful Student of the New English + Dictionary</i>.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I can conjugate the modern verb "to wangle,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And, if required, translate it into + Greek;</p> + + <p>I can even tell a wurzel from a mangel;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I still can march eight furlongs at the double,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although I shall be seventy next + week;</p> + + <p>I can separate a bubble from a bubble;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know a catfish differs from a seamew;</p> + + <p class="i2">I don't expect Bellaggio at Belleek;</p> + + <p>I know a cassowary from an emu;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm acquainted with the works of <span class= + "sc">Henry Purzell</span></p> + + <p class="i2">(My mastery of spelling is unique);</p> + + <p>I repeat, I know a mangel from a wurzel;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm proficient both in jotting and in tittling;</p> + + <p class="i2">I know a certain cure for boots that + creak;</p> + + <p>I can see through Mr. <span class="sc">Keynes</span> + and <i>Mr. Britling</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I can always tell a <i>hari</i> from a + <i>kari</i></p> + + <p class="i2">("<i>Harakiri</i>" is a silly pedant's + freak);</p> + + <p>I can tell the style of <span class= + "sc">Caine</span> from that of <span class= + "sc">Marie</span>;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I never take a <span class="sc">Deeley</span> for a + <span class="sc">Dooley</span>;</p> + + <p class="i2">I never take a putter for a cleek;</p> + + <p>I never talk of <span class="sc">Healy</span>, + meaning <span class="sc">Hooley</span>;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I understand the sense of "oils are spotty";</p> + + <p class="i2">I know the height of Siniolchum's + peak;</p> + + <p>I know that some may think my ditty dotty;</p> + + <p class="i2">But I cannot tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">P.S.</p> + + <p>I know the market price of eggs in Surrey,</p> + + <p class="i2">The acreage of maize in + Mozambique—</p> + + <p>And now at last, thanks to immortal + "<span class="sc">Murray</span>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">I've learned to tell a bubble from a + squeak.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/215.png" + alt= + "'Oh, George we must have stepped off with the wrong foot!'" /></a>"<span class="sc"> + Oh, George we must have stepped off with the wrong + foot</span>!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE CONSERVATISM OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.</p> + + <p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—I know you + take no sides in party politics, but I still think you would + like to hear why it is that I have gone over to the Independent + Liberals. No, it has nothing to do with Mr. <span class= + "sc">Asquith's</span> triumphal procession and still less with + the <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> Press. The fact is that + till quite recently I belonged to the true blue Tory + school—was indeed probably the last survivor of the Old + Guard—and I found myself out of touch with the + progressive tendencies of modern Toryism, its deplorable way of + moving with the times, its hopeless habit of discarding what it + would call the old shibboleths when it wrongly imagined them to + be outworn. My decision to leave a party that has long ceased + to deserve its honoured name was immediately due to a Liberal + Paper which editorially ridiculed the Liberty League, formed + for the defeat of Bolshevist propaganda, and pooh-poohed the + idea of the existence of dangerous Bolshevist elements in the + country. This attitude attracted me enormously; for I recalled + the standpoint of the same paper in the days before the + War—how it ridiculed the alleged German menace and + pooh-poohed the idea of the existence of hostile German + elements in our midst. Here, I said, is the party for me; here + is your authentic Bourbon spirit—the type that learns + nothing and forgets nothing; that in the midst of a changing + world remains immovable as a rock. Yes, Sir, for a Tory of the + old school there is no place to-day except in the ranks of + Liberalism.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p class="i10"><span class="sc">Semper + Eadem</span>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" + id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/216.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216.png" + alt="MODERN DRAMA BELOW STAIRS." /></a> + + + <h3>MODERN DRAMA BELOW STAIRS.</h3>THE "MAID'S" HOSPITALITY + TO "ROBERT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RATES OF EXCHANGE.</h2> + + <p>Jones was reading his morning paper in the opposite corner + seat with unusual attention, and he disregarded my + greeting.</p> + + <p>"Why this absorption?" I inquired. "Usually you come to the + station with a piece of toast behind one ear, fastening your + boots as you run, and wake us all up with your first fine + morning rapture."</p> + + <p>"I was just taking a look at the exchanges," he replied. + "The mark's about the same price as fly-paper, and, judging by + the news from New York, your chewing-gum is going to cost you + more shortly. Do you know anything about the money market?"</p> + + <p>"I occasionally see it stated that 'money is plentiful' in + it," I returned. "I should think it must be an ideal + place."</p> + + <p>"The most gorgeous thing in the world is to make a bit on + exchange," he said. "There's such a splendid feeling of not + having earned it, you know."</p> + + <p>"I understand exactly," I replied. "Cox once credited me + with an extra month's pay by mistake. But I didn't realise that + you ever had to think about money matters after having run our + Mess in France."</p> + + <p>He appeared to take no offence. His capacity for being + insulted in that direction had probably been exhausted during + the period in point.</p> + + <p>"I know quite a lot about exchange," he remarked with a + reminiscent smile. "You remember that when I got pipped in + France in '15, they sent me out next time to Salonica. I hadn't + been there very long before the question of exchange cropped + up. In the early days most of us had English money only, and + the villagers used to rook us frightfully changing it. I + remember sending my batman, MacGusgogh, to a place for eggs, + and he came back with the change for my Bradbury in nickel. I + had a good look at it, and on each coin was the mystic + inscription, 'DIHAP,' which is pronounced 'dinar.'</p> + + <p>"'MacGusgogh,' I said, 'you pretend to be a Scotsman and yet + you've been diddled. This is Serbian money, and not worth a + bean.'</p> + + <p>"'Oh the deceitfu' deevils,' said he, 'there's neither truth + nor honesty in the leein' buddies, Sir. But here's your + Bradbury, an', at onny rate, we hae the eggs, Sir, for I paid + for them wi' a label off yin o' they Japaneesy beer bottles. It + seemed an awfu' waste to spend guid siller on folk that dinna + ken when they see it.'"</p> + + <p>I began to see the possibilities of the money market.</p> + + <p>"I was round about there till the Armistice," Jones went on, + "then I drifted by stages to South Russia. All the Eastern + countries live by exchange. Practically the only trade they + have is playing tennis with each others' currency, and the + headquarters of the industry in 1918 was South Russia. I + thought I'd seen the limit of low finance when I'd experienced + the franc, lira, drachma, dinar, lev and piastre; but they were + all child's play to the rouble in 1918."</p><span class= + "pagenum"><a name="page217" + id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span> + + <p>"I thought Russian money was all dud before that," I + remarked.</p> + + <p>"Not a bit of it," said Jones. "You see, it's not as if + there were one breed, so to speak, of rouble. There were + <span class="sc">Kerensky</span> roubles, and Duma roubles, and + <span class="sc">Nicholas</span> roubles, and every little town + had a rouble-works which was turning out local notes as hard as + they, could go. I missed a fortune there by inches."</p> + + <p>"Tell me," I said, in response to his anecdotal eye.</p> + + <p>"I had a job there which consisted of going backwards and + forwards on the railway between Otwiski and Triadropoldir in + the Caucasus, a six days' trip. The possibilities of the + situation never struck me till one day I, asked a shopman in + Triadropoldir to give me my change in Otwiski + roubles—both towns had their own currency, of course. He + gave me five Otwiski roubles for one of his own town. I thought + a bit about that, and when I got back to Otwiski I tried the + same thing, and found I could get three Triadropoldir roubles + there for one Otwiski."</p> + + <p>"I see," I remarked, as the beauty of this arrangement + dawned upon me.</p> + + <p>"All I had to do therefore was to change my money in Otwiski + for three times as much Triadropoldir currency, and then go up + the line to the other place and change it back again, making + fifteen hundred per cent, on the round trip. Of course you + couldn't always change the full amount, but in a couple of + months I had sixty thousand roubles—my valise was crammed + with them—and I was only waiting to get down to the Field + Cashier to change out and make my fortune."</p> + + <p>"And did you?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"No, I didn't. One morning the Reds arrived in + Triadropoldir, and my servant and I only just got away with the + valise on one of those inspection cars which you propel by + pulling a handle backwards and forwards. A section of Red + Cavalry came after us, and we took it in turns to work the + handle."</p> + + <p>"Your servant won't ever be short of a job," I commented. + "He ought to take to film-acting after that like a duck to + water."</p> + + <p>"We soon finished my servant's ammunition and they were + closing in on us fast. My hair had appreciably lifted my tin + hat when I had a brain-wave and threw out a double handful of + rouble notes. It worked like a charm; they all stopped to + collect the money, and we had gone quite a distance before they + caught us up again, I threw out more notes at intervals, and + the last thousand roubles went just as we came in sight of + <span class="sc">Denikin's</span> outposts fifteen miles down + the line. We were saved, but I had lost my fortune, for there + was no chance of repeating the operation."</p> + + <p>I sighed. Then, without any regard for the conclusions of my + fellow-passengers, I silently raised both my hands above my + head.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/217.png" + alt= + "<i>Ordinary Man</i> (<i>to well-fed friend</i>). 'Hullo! How are things with you? Making lots of money, I suppose?'" /></a> + + <p><i>Ordinary Man</i> (<i>to well-fed friend</i>). + "<span class="sc">Hullo! How are things with you? Making + lots of money, I suppose</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. "<span class="sc">No. We don't + <i>make</i> money at Bradford—we just pick it + oop</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"She had her hair cut short, and claimed to be a member + of a tilted family."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One with a bend sinister, we presume.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A leader of fashion at Ely</p> + + <p>Whose clothes were a bit down-at-heely</p> + + <p class="i4">Was quite overcome</p> + + <p class="i4">When he found he'd the sum</p> + + <p>That would buy him a Mallaby-Deeley.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p class="center">"BLACK CATS' STRIKE THREAT."</p> + + <p><i>Heading in a Sunday Paper of a report of a demand + made by Viennese clerks for doubled salaries.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For "<span class="sc">Cats</span>'," read + "<span class="sc">Coats</span>'." <i>O</i> the diff! as + <span class="sc">Wordsworth</span> said.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Retriever Wanted; steady good worker: retrieve feather + or fur, land or water."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The exile of Amerongen could do with one of this breed.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The act of the donor suggests the lines:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'How far doth that little candle throw its + beams</p> + + <p>On like a good deed in a naughty world.'"</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Daily Graphic</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + </blockquote> + + <p>The author's name is not given, but we do not think he has + improved much on <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" + id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span> + + <h3>THE YEOMAN TRANSFORMED.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In accordance with the new Territorial organisation + some famous Yeomanry Regiments are to become Motor + Machine-Gun Units.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can a horseman turn from his heart's desire at the + stroke of a statesman's pen?</p> + + <p>Can we learn to fight from a motor-car—we who + were mounted men?</p> + + <p>In a petrol-tank and a sparking-plug shall we strive + to put our trust,</p> + + <p>And hang our spurs as a souvenir to gather + reproachful rust?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shall we never again ride knee to knee in the pomp + of squadron line,</p> + + <p>With head-ropes white as a mountain drift and curb + chains all a-shine?</p> + + <p>Will they dawn no more, those glorious days when the + world seemed all our own,</p> + + <p>Who rode as scouts on an errant quest, alive, alert, + alone?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can a man be made by a motor-car as a man is made by + a horse,</p> + + <p>With strength in his back and legs and arms, and a + brain of swift resource?</p> + + <p>We cared for our mounts before ourselves, their + thirst before our thirst;</p> + + <p>Shall we come to learn, with the same content, to + think of an engine first?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Grousing enough. Though times have changed a man may + be needed yet.</p> + + <p>Shall we stand aloof in an idle dream to nourish a + vain regret?</p> + + <p>Whatever England may ask of us our service must be + hers;</p> + + <p>And a horseman's quality 's in his heart and not in + a pair of spurs.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">W.K.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE GREAT MUTTON CAMPAIGN.</h3> + + <p>The recent disclosures concerning the enormous stocks of + frozen mutton held by the Ministry of Food—some of it + killed two years ago—have put the Government on their + mettle, and a vigorous campaign is now in preparation with the + object of inducing the public to assist in the disposal of + these overgrown supplies. Mr. Punch, being in touch with + sources of information not accessible to the general Press, has + been able to secure an advance copy of a popular appeal Which + is about to be issued broadcast by the Government. It runs as + follows:—</p> + + <p>"Men, Women and Children of the United Kingdom!"</p> + + <p>"The time has now arrived when each one of you is privileged + to illumine these drab days of peace with a show of patriotism + no less brilliant than that which lit up the dark years of war. + The task that is demanded is a simple one, and no heavy price + is exacted; all that is required is a single-minded + concentration upon the one essential need of the moment.</p> + + <p>"Your Government, solicitous as always for your welfare, has + during the past two years accumulated a vast store of + nutritious mutton to safeguard you against the peril of + starvation. That danger being happily averted, it is now up to + you to eat the stuff. This is not a problem that can be tackled + by half-measures. If you desire to preserve the financial + stability of the Empire, and if you do not wish to go on eating + antiquated corpses of Australasian sheep for the rest of your + lives, you must set your teeth in grim earnest, eating against + time and chewing over time. You must consume mutton for + breakfast, mutton for luncheon, mutton for tea and mutton for + dinner. In fact, each one of you must in the interests of the + State become a mutton glutton.</p> + + <p>"Do you shrink from the task? Do you shirk the chop now that + you know what is at stake? An army marches on its stomach; the + nation's well-being hangs on yours. Henceforth, until the + 'Cease Fire' sounds, you must fall upon the domestic enemy as + our gallant soldiers fell upon the alien foe. No quarter must + be given, no quarter, fore or hind, be permitted to escape. + Beef must be banned and veal avoided as the plague; no Briton + worthy of the name will claim a fowl.</p> + + <p>"What are you going to do about it? Do you intend (to borrow + a Trans-atlantic phrase) to give the frozen mitt to the frozen + mutt? Or are you going to take it to your bosom and give it + there, or thereabouts, the home for which it has so long been + vainly seeking?</p> + + <p>"Do it now and do it always. Let your daily motto + be—'<i>Revenons à nos moutons</i>.'"</p> + + <p>In addition to the foregoing, every British housewife is to + be supplied with a valuable booklet containing a number of + official recipes for dealing with mutton. Among the tasty + dishes thus described may be mentioned Whitehall Hash, + Ministerial Mince, Reconstruction Rissoles, Control Cutlets and + Separation Stew.</p> + + <p>Mr. Punch also learns that in honour of the campaign the + Yeomen of the Guard are henceforth to be popularly known as the + "Muttoneaters."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT OF THE DUMPS?</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["We repeat our question, therefore, and expect a 'Yes' + or 'No' answer: <i>Have all the dumps been sold, or have + they not</i>?"—<i>Daily Mail</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While wealth untold lies heaped in idleness</p> + + <p class="i2">We will not see the nation go to pot;</p> + + <p>We ask you (kindly answer "No" or "Yes"):</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Have all the dumps been sold, or have + they not</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>By many a shell-torn desolate chateau</p> + + <p class="i2">Stand monumental piles of martial + store</p> + + <p>Reared up long since to stem a savage foe</p> + + <p class="i2">By labours of the Army Service Corps;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And day by day, in spite of our advice,</p> + + <p class="i2">They linger wastefully to rust and + rot;</p> + + <p>We ask (and let your answer be concise):</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Have all the dumps been sold, or have + they not</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more may <span class="sc">Kellaway</span> in + bland retort</p> + + <p class="i2">Disguise the truth with verbal + circumstance;</p> + + <p>Our special correspondents still report:</p> + + <p class="i2">"Entrenching tools obscure the face of + France.".</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The case is plain; the issue is distinct;</p> + + <p class="i2">You either answer now or out you trot</p> + + <p>(And kindly make that answer quite succinct):</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Have all the dumps been sold, or have + they not</i>?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>"WEDDING ROMANCE.</h4> + + <p>"The acquaintanceship soon developed into a house where + Miss —— was living."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The chief obstacle to matrimony being thus removed, there + could, of course, be only one end to the story.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The Committee has decided to call the contest the + 'Golden Apple Challenge,' having in mind the legend of + Paris giving a golden apple to Helen of Troy as the fairest + of the three beautiful women who came to ask his + judgment."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Personally we never attach much importance to these Paris + legends.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" + id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/219.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/219.png" + alt="MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN." /></a> + + + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p><i>Master</i>. "<span class="sc">Hi! you! 'Ware beans. + Don't you know beans when you see 'em</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>P.-W.S.</i> "<span class="sc">They're the little + things they puts in tins with pork, ain't they</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p>During the past few years the plays and stories, especially + the stories, of <span class="sc">Anton Tchehov</span> have so + triumphantly captured English-speaking readers that there must + be many who will welcome with eagerness the volume of his + <i>Letters</i> (<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>). + This happy chance we owe, of course, directly to Mrs. + <span class="sc">Constance Garnett</span>, who here proves once + again that in her hands translation ranks as a fine art. Both + the <i>Letters</i> and the Biographical Sketch that precedes + them are of extraordinary charm and interest. Because + <span class="sc">Tchehov's</span> stories are so conspicuously + uncoloured by the personality of their writer (his method + being, as it were, to lead the reader to a window of absolute + transparency and bid him look for himself), it comes almost as + a shock to find how vivid and many-hued that personality in + fact was. Nor is it less astonishing to observe a nature so + alive with sympathy expressing itself in an art so detached. + More than once his letters to literary friends are concerned + with a defence of this method: "Let the jury judge them; it's + my job simply to show what sort of people they are." They are + filled also with a thousand instances of the author's delight + in nature, in country sights and scents, and of his love and + understanding for animals (from which of the Tales is it that + one recalls the dog being lifted into the cart "wearing a + strained smile"?) Throughout too, if you have already read the + eight little volumes that contain the stories—which I + certainly advise as a preliminary—you will be continually + experiencing the pleasure of recognising the inspiration for + this or that remembered scene. In short, one of the most + fascinating books that has come my way for a long time.</p> + + <p>I needn't pretend that <i>Bed and Black</i> + (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), by <span class= + "sc">Grace S. Richmond</span>, is what is known to the + superior as a serious work of art or that the men + (particularly) of her creating are what would be called + likely. But there's a sincerity about the writing which + one has to respect. Of her two heroes, <i>Red</i> is + <i>Redfield Pepper Burns</i>, the rude and rugged doctor, + and <i>Black</i> is the <i>Rev. Robert McPherson + Black</i>, the perfect paragon of a padre in an American + provincial town. The author's main thesis is that padres + are made of the right stuff. <i>Black</i>, who was all + for getting into the War from the beginning, rushes off + to Europe as chaplain with the first American drafts, + gets wounded, decorated and married. The conversion of + <i>Red Pepper</i>, the doctor, and of <i>Jane Ray</i>, + who became <i>Mrs. Black</i>, is a little too easily + contrived to be very convincing. But this is a simple + work for simple souls who like a wholesome tale with a + distinct list to the side of the angels. Such untoward + conduct as here appears is not put in for its own + interesting sake, but merely to bring out the + white-souled nobility of the principals.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If I had to select an author likely to win the long-distance + dialogue race of the British Isles I should, after reading + <i>Uncle Lionel</i> (<span class="sc">Grant Richards</span>), + unhesitatingly vote for Mr. S.P.B. <span class= + "sc">Mais</span>. It is not however so much the verbosity as + the gloom of Mr. <span class="sc">Mais's</span> characters that + leaves me fretful. Nowadays, when a novel begins with a married + hero and heroine, we should be sadly archaic if we expected the + course of their conjugal love to run smoothly; but I protest + that <i>Michael</i> and <i>Patricia</i> overdid their quarrels, + or, at any rate, that we are told too many details about them. + And when these people were nasty to each other they could be + very horrid. All which would not trouble me half + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" + id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span> so much if I were not sure + that Mr. <span class="sc">Mais</span>, in his desire to he + forceful and modern, is inflicting a quite unnecessary + handicap upon himself. At present he is in peril of wrecking + his craft upon some dangerous rocks which (though I know + it's not the right name for rocks) I will call "The + Doldrums." My advice to him is to cheer up. And the sooner + the better, for all of us.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There be novelists so fertile in literary resource or so + catholic in their choice of subject that the reader is never + sure, when he picks up their latest masterpiece, whether he is + to have a comedy of manners, a proletarian tragedy, a tale of + Court intrigue or a satire on the follies of the age. To the + steady-going devotee of fiction—the reader on the Clapham + omnibus—this versatility is a source of annoyance rather + than of attraction, and I accordingly take pleasure in stating + that by those who like a light narrative, in which mystery and + romance are pleasingly blended, the author of <i>The Pointing + Man</i> can be relied upon to rill the bill every time. + Conformity to type is a strong point with this author as far as + the mystery and romance are concerned, but within those limits + he (or she) provides an admirable range of scene, character and + plot. In <i>The Further Side of the Door</i> + (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>), the once handsome + and popular hero emerges from a war-hospital badly + disfigured and is promptly jilted by his fiancée and + avoided, or so he thinks, by his acquaintances. Disgusted + he buries himself in an old haunted house in the wilds of + Ireland and abandons himself to the practice of magic. + The result is highly successful, for he raises, not a + spirit indeed, but something much more desirable to a + lonely young man who has been contemplating suicide. So + much for the romance. The mystery is provided by a + villain, an enterprising young married woman, and the + sinister denizens of a creepy boarding-house. I heartily + recommend <i>Punch</i> readers who like a mystery to buy + the book and find out what happens.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The publishers of <i>Sir Limpidus</i> (<span class= + "sc">Collins</span>) call it, in large print, a "new and + amusing novel," but I am not confident about your subscription + to the latter part of that statement; for Mr. + <span class="sc">Marmaduke Pickthall's</span> irony is + either so subtle or so heavy (I cannot be positive which) + that one may well imagine a not too dull-witted reader + going from end to end without discovering the hidden + intent. The subject of the tale, which has no special + plot, is a numbskull landowner, <i>Sir Limpidus</i>, son + of <i>Sir Busticus</i>, lord of Clearfount Abbey, and + type (according to Mr. <span class="sc">Pickthall</span>) + of the landowning class that he evidently considers ripe + for abolition. As propaganda to that end he conducts his + hero through the usual career of the pre-war aristocrat, + sending him to public school and Varsity (those + sufficiently broad targets), giving him a marriage, + strictly <i>de convenance</i>, with the daughter of a + peer, and finishing him off as a member of the + Government, alarmed at Socialist hecklers and welcoming + the War as likely to give a new direction to forces that + threaten to become too strong for his well-meaning + incompetence. "It would rouse the ancient spirit of the + people and dispel their madness.... Even defeat as a + united nation would be better than ignoble peace with the + anarchic mob supreme." Of course this may be highly + amusing, but— The fact is that, with a + disappointment the greater from having genial memories of + a former book of his, I have to confess myself one of the + dullards for whom Mr. <span class="sc">Pickthall's</span> + satirical darts fall apparently pointless. I am + sorry.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am feeling a little peevish about <i>Ladies in Waiting</i> + (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), because Miss + <span class="sc">Kate Douglas Wiggin</span> has often charmed + me by her writing in the past, and now she has disappointed me. + Her latest book contains five stories, all nicely written and + set in charming scenes; but their innocent sweetness is very + nearly insipid, and the fact that Miss <span class= + "sc">Wiggin's</span> only concern has been to find suitable + husbands for her six heroines (there are two in one story) + makes them curiously unexciting. Of course we all know that in + American fiction the hero and heroine will in the end marry, to + their mutual satisfaction; but unless the author can contrive + <i>en route</i> a few obstacles which will intrigue the reader + a marriage announcement in the newspapers would be more + economical and quite as interesting. It is difficult to be + "nice" and "funny," I know, and it was very noble of Miss + <span class="sc">Wiggin</span> if one quality had to be left + out to cling to the niceness; but I hope that in her next book + she will manage to be both.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>While reading <i>With the Mad 17th to Italy</i> + (<span class="sc">Allen and Unwin</span>) I could not + help feeling sorry that the public's appetite for + war-literature is reported to have become a little jaded + for anything that is not a book of revelations; and this + because Major B.H. <span class="sc">Hody</span>, who was + in command of the 17th Divisional Supply Column, + describes his trek from Flanders to Italy with uncommon + zest. It is an admirable account of an achievement well + worth recording, and the author in his advice to C.O.'s, + which seems to me full of wisdom and sound common-sense, + explains how it was that "the mad 17th" were from first + to last "a happy family." There is cause for deep sorrow + in the thought that Major <span class="sc">Hody</span> + died suddenly at Cologne only a few weeks after his + preface was finished. He has left behind him a book which + will be valued not less for what it contains than for the + sake of the man who wrote it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Songs of the Links</i> (<span class= + "sc">Duckworth</span>) Mr. Punch commends to his readers the + work of two of his contributors, Mr. R.K. <span class= + "sc">Risk</span> and Mr. H.M. <span class= + "sc">Bateman</span>.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/220.png"><img width="80%" + src="images/220.png" + alt= + "GENTLEMAN (LATE OF PARACHUTE SECTION, R.A.F.) + AFTER A BAD WEEK'S RACING LEAVES HIS HOTEL WITHOUT + UNNECESSARY OSTENTATION." /></a><br /> + + <p>GENTLEMAN (LATE OF PARACHUTE SECTION, R.A.F.) AFTER A + BAD WEEK'S RACING LEAVES HIS HOTEL WITHOUT UNNECESSARY + OSTENTATION.</p> + </div> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, MARCH 17, 1920***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15615-h.txt or 15615-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/1/15615</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 17, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 13, 2005 [eBook #15615] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, MARCH 17, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15615-h.htm or 15615-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h/15615-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615/15615-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +MARCH 17, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +PRINCE ALBERT JOACHIM, it appears, did not take part in the attack on +a French officer at the Hotel Adlon, but only gave the signal. Always +the little Hohenzollern! + + *** + +It seems that at the last moment Mr. C. B. COCHRAN broke off +negotiations for the exclusive right to organise the CARPENTIER +wedding. + + *** + +"Will Scotland go dry?" asks _The Daily Express_. Not on purpose, we +imagine. + + *** + +A new method of stopping an omnibus by a foot-lever has been patented. +This is much better than the old plan of shaking one's umbrella at +them. + + *** + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we read, makes a study of handwriting. The only +objection that _The Times_ has to this habit is that he positively +refuses to notice the writing on the wall. + + *** + +It is rumoured that the Government will construct an experimental +tunnel between England and the United States in order (1) to cement +Anglo-American friendship, and (2) to ascertain if the Channel Tunnel +is practicable. + + *** + +Dr. C.W. COLBY, head of the Department of History, has taken Sir +AUCLAND GEDDES' place as Principal of McGill University. The report +that Sir AUCKLAND will reciprocate by taking a place in history awaits +confirmation. + + *** + +"It is quite usual nowadays," a well-known auctioneer states, "for +mill hands to keep a few orchids." We understand that by way of a +counter-stroke a number of noblemen are threatening to go in for +runner ducks. + + *** + +A Rotherham couple who have just celebrated their diamond wedding have +never tasted medicine. We ourselves have always maintained that the +taste is an acquired one. + + *** + +A Greenland falcon has been shot in the Orkneys. The view is widely +taken that the wretched bird, which must have known it wasn't in +Greenland, brought the trouble on itself. + + *** + +An alleged anarchist arrested in Munich was identified as a poet and +found Not Guilty--not guilty, that is to say, of being an anarchist. + + *** + +With reference to the pending retirement of Mr. ROBERT SMILLIE from +the Presidency of the Miners' Federation, it appears that there is +talk of arranging a farewell strike. + + *** + +The _Berlin Vorwaerts_ states that ex-Emperor CARL has been discovered +in Hungary under an assumed name. The Hungarian authorities say that +unless he is claimed within three days he will be sold to defray +expenses. + + *** + +We understand that Mr. Justice DARLING'S weekly denial of the reports +of his retirement will in future be issued on Tuesdays, instead of +Wednesdays, as hitherto. + + *** + +When hit by a bullet a tiger roars until dead, says a weekly paper, +but a tigress dies quietly. Nervous people who suffer from headaches +should therefore only shoot tigresses. + + *** + +Two out of ten houses being built at Guildford are now complete. +Builders in other parts of the country are asking who gave the word +"Go." + + *** + +"Marvellous to relate," says a Sunday paper, "a horse has just died +at Ingatestone at the age of thirty-six." Surely it is more marvellous +that it did not die before. + + *** + +It is said that the Paris Peace Conference cost two million pounds. +The latest suggestion is that, before the next war starts, tenders +for a Peace Conference shall be asked for and the lowest estimate +accepted. + + *** + +A Walsall carter has summoned a fellow-worker because during a quarrel +he stepped on his face. It was not so much that he had stepped on his +face, we understand, as the fact that he had loitered about on it. + + *** + +A painful mistake is reported from North London. It appears that a +young lady who went to a fancy-dress ball as "The Silent Wife" was +awarded the first prize for her clever impersonation of a telephone +girl. + + *** + +We are glad to learn that the thoughtless tradesman who, in spite +of the notice, "Please ring the bell," deliberately knocked at the +front-door of a wooden house, has now had to pay the full cost of +rebuilding. + + *** + +After reading in her morning paper that bumping races were held +recently at Cambridge, a dear old lady expressed sorrow that the +disgraceful scenes witnessed in many dance-rooms in London had spread +to one of our older universities. + + *** + +Tyrolese hats have reappeared in London after an interval of nearly +five years. We understand that the yodel waistcoat will also be heard +this spring. + + *** + +A Welshman was fined fifteen pounds last week for fishing for salmon +with a lamp. Defendant's plea, that he was merely investigating the +scientific question of whether salmon yawn in their sleep, was not +accepted. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, ANYHOW, NO ONE COULD TELL THAT THIS WAS ONCE A +BRITISH WARM."] + + * * * * * + +MORE BOAT-RACE "INTELLIGENCE." + + "The Oxford crew had a hard training for an hour and a-half + under the direction of Mr. Harcourt Gold, who is to catch them + at Putney."--_Evening Paper_. + +But will they catch Cambridge at Barnes? + + "The Cambridge people have elected to use a scull with a + tubular shank or 'loom.' + + "Oxford are using these sculls, too."--_Evening Paper_. + +We have a silly old-fashioned preference for the use of oars in this +competition. + + * * * * * + + "On St. David's Day, Welshmen wear a leak in their + hats."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Lest they should suffer from swelled head? + + * * * * * + +THE "NEW" WORLD. + + ["Direct Action," which was regarded as a novelty suitable for + an age of reconstruction, has now, by the good sense of the + Trades Union Congress, been relegated to its proper place in + the old and discredited order of things.] + + In these, the young Millennium's years, + Whereof they loudly boomed the birth, + Promising by the lips of seers + New Heavens and a brand-new Earth, + We find the advertised attraction + In point of novelty is small, + And argument by force of action + Would seem the oldest wheeze of all. + + When Prehistoric Man desired + Communion with his maid elect, + And arts of suasion left him tired, + He took to action more direct; + Scaring her with a savage whoop or + Putting his club across her head, + He bore her in a state of stupor + Home to his stony bridal bed. + + In ages rather more refined, + Gentlemen of the King's highway, + Whose democratic tastes inclined + To easy hours and ample pay, + Would hardly ever hold their victim + Engaged in academic strife, + But raised their blunderbuss and ticked him + Off with "Your money or your life." + + So when your miners, swift to scout + The use of reason's slow appeal, + Threaten to starve our children out + And bring the country in to heel, + There's nothing, as I understand it, + So very new in this to show; + The cave-man and the cross-roads bandit + Were there before them long ago. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +FAIR WEAR AND TEAR. + +In a short time now we shall have to return this flat to its proper +tenants and arrive at some assessment of the damage done to their +effects. With regard to the other rooms, even the room which Richard +and Priscilla condescend to use as a nursery, I shall accept the +owners' estimate cheerfully enough, I think; but the case of the +drawing-room furniture is different. About the nursery I have +only heard vague rumours, but in the drawing-room I have been an +eye-witness of the facts. + +The proper tenant is a bachelor who lived here with his sister; he +will scarcely realise, therefore, what happens at 5 P.M. every day, +when there comes, as the satiric poet, LONGFELLOW, has so finely +sung-- + + "A pause in the day's occupations, + Which is known as the children's hour." + +Drawing-room furniture indeed! When one considers the buildings and +munition dumps, the live and rolling stock, the jungles and forests +in that half-charted territory; when one considers that even the +mere wastepaper basket by the writing-desk (and it _does_ look a bit +battered, that wastepaper basket) is sometimes the tin helmet under +which Richard defies the frightfulness of LARS PORSENA, and sometimes +a necessary stage property for Priscilla's two favourite dramatic +recitations + + "He plunged with a delighted _scweam_ + Into a bowl of clotted cweam," + +and + + "This is Mr. Piggy Wee, + With tail so pink and curly, + And when I say, 'Good mornin', pig,' + He answers _vewwy_ surly, + Oomph! Oomph!'" + +and sometimes the hutch that harbours a cotton-wool creation supposed +to be a white rabbit, and stated by the owner to be "munsin' and +munsin' and munsin' a carrot"--when, I say, I consider all these +things I anticipate that the proceedings of the Reparation Commission +will be something like this:-- + +_He (looking a little ruefully at the round music-stool)_. I suppose +your wife plays the piano a good deal? + +_I (brightly)_. If you mean the detachable steering-wheel, it is only +fair to remember that a part interchangeable between the motor-omnibus +and the steam-roller-- + +_He_. I don't understand. + +_I_. Permit me to reassemble the mechanism. + +_He_. You mean that when you put that armchair at the end of the sofa +and the music-stool in front of it-- + +_I_. I mean that the motor-omnibus driver, sitting as he does in front +of his vehicle and manipulating his steering-wheel like this, can +do little or no harm to the apparatus. On the other hand, the +steam-roller mechanic, standing _inside_ the body of the vehicle, and +having the steering-wheel in _this_ position-- + +_He_. On the sofa? + +_I_. Naturally. Well, supposing he happens to have a slight difference +of opinion with his mate as to which of them ought to do the driving, +the wheel is quite likely to be pushed off on to the macadam, where it +gets a trifle frayed round the edges. + +_He_. I see. How awfully stupid of me! And this pouffe, or whatever +they call it? + +_I_. Week in and week out, boy and girl, I have seen that dromedary +ridden over more miles of desert than I can tell you, and never once +have I known it under-fed or under-watered, or struck with anything +harder than the human fist. Of course the hump does get a little +floppy with frequent use, but considering how barren your Sahara-- + +_He_. Quite, quite. I was just looking at that armchair. Aren't there +a lot of scratches on the legs? + +_I_. Have you ever _kept_ panthers? Do you realise how impatiently +they chafe at times against the bars of their cage? Of course, if you +haven't.... + +Finally, I imagine he will see how reasonable my attitude is and how +little he has to complain of. He will recognise that one cannot deal +with complicated properties of this sort without a certain amount of +inevitable dilapidation and loss. + +As a matter of fact I have an even stronger line of argument if I +choose to take it. I can put in a counter-claim. One of the principal +attractions of old furniture, after all, is historic association. +There is the armchair, you know, that Dr. JOHNSON sat in, and the +inkpot, or whatever it was, that MARY, Queen of Scots, threw at JOHN +BUNYAN or somebody, and I have also seen garden-seats carved out of +famous battleships. And then again, if you go to Euston, or it may be +Darlington, you will find on the platform the original tea-kettle out +of which GEORGE WASHINGTON constructed the first steam-engine. The +drawing-room furniture that we are relinquishing combines the interest +of all these things. If I like I can put a placard on the sofa, before +I take its owner to see it, worded something like this:-- + +"Puffing Billy, the original steam-roller out of which this elegant +piece was carved, held the 1920 record for fourteen trips to Brighton +and back within half-an-hour." And after he has seen that I can lead +him gently on to Roaring Rupert, the arm-chair. Really, therefore, +when one comes to consider it, the man owes me a considerable sum of +money for the enhanced sentimental value that has been given to his +commonplace property. + +Mind you, I have no wish to be too hard on him. I shall be content +with a quite moderate claim, or even with no claim at all. Possibly, +now I come to think of it; I shall simply say, + +"You know what it is to have a couple of bally kids about the place. +What shall I give you to call it square?" + +And he will name a sum and offer me a cigarette, and we shall talk a +little about putting or politics. + +But it doesn't much matter. Whatever he asks he can only put it down +in the receipts' column of his account-book under the heading of +"Depreciation of Furniture," whereas in my expenses it will stand as +"Richard and Priscilla: for Adventures, Travel and Romance." + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM + +(MARCH 17). + +THE IDYLLIST OF DOWNING STREET (_with four-leaved shamrock_). "SHE +LOVES ME! SHE--BUT PERHAPS I'D BETTER NOT GO ANY FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor_. "AND HOW IS YOUR NEWLY-MARRIED DAUGHTER?" + +_Mrs. Brown_. "OH, SHE'S NICELY THANK YOU. SHE FINDS HER HUSBAND A BIT +DULL; BUT AS I TELLS HER, THE GOOD 'UNS _ARE_ DULL."] + + * * * * * + +WINTER SPORT IN THE LOWER ALPS. + +About two months ago, after a course of travel literature and some +back numbers of _The Badminton Magazine_, I became infected with a +desire to spend a winter in the Alps, skating, sliding, curling and +yodelling in the intervals of ski-ing, skijoring, skilacking and +skihandlung. The very names of the pastimes conjured up a picture +of swift and healthy activity. As the pamphlets assured me, I should +return a new man; and, though I am greatly attached to the old one, I +recognised that improvement was possible. + +I don't remember how it came about that I finally chose Freidegg +among the multiplicity of winter-sport stations whose descriptions +approximated to those of Heaven. I expect Frederick forced the choice +upon me; Frederick had been to Switzerland every winter from 1906 to +1913 and knew the ropes. I somehow gathered that the ropes were of +unusual complexity. + +The entire journey was passed among winter-sporters of a certain +type. From their conversation I was able to learn that Badeloden +was formerly overrun by Germans; that Franzheim was excellent if you +stayed at the Grand, but at the Kurhaus the guests were unsociable, +while at the Oberalp you were not done well and the central-heating +was inefficient. + +I ventured a few questions about the sport available, but was gently +rebuked by the silence which followed before conversation was resumed +in a further discussion of comforts and social amenities. + +On arrival at the hotel I took out my skates, but, on Frederick's +advice, hid them again. "Don't let people see that you are a newcomer; +there won't be any skating for some weeks yet," said he. + +"But why not?" I objected. "The ice must be at least six inches +thick." + +"Well, it isn't done," he replied. "One's first week is spent in +settling down; you can't go straight on the ice without preparation." + +On the third day a Sports' Meeting was held, as the result of which +a programme of the season was published. It was announced that there +would be, weekly, three dances and one bridge tournament; a theatrical +performance would be given once a fortnight, and the blank evenings +filled with either a concert or an entertainment. I began to wonder +how I could squeeze in time for sleep. + +In order that boredom might not overtake the guests before evening +came, a magnificent tea was served from four to six. During the +afternoon one could visit the other hotels of the place and usually +found some function in progress. We were not expected to breakfast +before ten, and the short time that remained before lunch was spent +in a walk to the rink, where we would solemnly take a few steps on the +ice, murmur, "Not in condition yet," and return to the hotel. + +After about a fortnight of this I announced to Frederick that I was +going to skate, no matter how far from perfection the ice proved to +be. + +Frederick was indignant. + +"You'll make yourself both conspicuous and unpopular. The two +Marriotts are giving an exhibition to-morrow; if you spoil the ice for +them their show will be ruined." + +"Very well, then," said I, "I will borrow some ski and mess about on +the snow." + +"You can't do that," he replied, horrified; "the professionals are +coming next week for the open competition, and if they don't find +clean snow--" + +"All right; I'll get one of those grid-irons and course down the +ice-run. I suppose that's what the ice-run is for," said I bitterly. + +"And spoil the Alpine Derby, which you know is fixed for the tenth?" +Frederick addressed me with some severity. "Look here--you must choose +your sport and stick to it. I am a ski-er; you don't find me skating +or bobbing or curling." + +"Or ski-ing," I added. + +"Before ski-ing," he informed me, "one must have one's ski in perfect +condition. Mine are improving daily." + +Frederick in fact spent his short mornings in giving instructions as +to how his ski were to be oiled and rubbed. All the most complicated +operations of unction and massage were performed upon them, and all +the time Frederick watched over them as over a sick child. + +Next I was told that the height of the season had arrived. The round +of indoor entertainments went on and almost daily the guests walked to +some near point to witness performances by professionals who seemed to +tour the country for that purpose. + +Just when there appeared to be a slight prospect of some general +outdoor activity (and Frederick's ski were pronounced perfect) a +thaw occurred. I am bound to say that the event was received +philosophically. Not a single member of the company made any +complaint; they faced adversity like true Britons and boldly sat +in the warm hotel to save themselves for the evening. Nor did their +distress put them off their feed; they punished the tea unmercifully, +showing scarcely a sign of the aching sorrow which devoured them. + +Soon it froze again. The daily visit to the ice was made and +Frederick's ski were once more put into training. + +As for me I began to believe that there was something shameful or +disgraceful in my desire to skate. So I left secretly for Sicily. Here +I can enjoy passive entertainment without being unpleasantly chilled. + +Well, a few days ago I received from Frederick a letter, from which +the following is a quotation: "The final thaw has now occurred and the +season is ended. It has been one of the most successful on record. The +full programme was carried out to the letter; I wish you had been here +for the last Fancy Dress. My ski were really fit and I was looking +forward to some great days on the snow. I think I made a bit of a hit +too, playing _Lord Twinkles_ in _The Gay Life_." + +The ski will no doubt miss Frederick's affectionate attention; he was +very fond of them. + +Yesterday, by the purest accident I came across Claudia, like myself +enjoying the warmth and sunshine. + +"Oh, you've been to Freidegg; how lovely! I went to Kestaag this year +and was very glad to leave. Nothing to do in the evening but sit round +a fire. All day the hotel was like a wilderness and outside nothing +but a lot of men falling about in the snow. They were too tired to do +anything during the evening. It was horrid. Next time I shall be more +careful and choose a nice bright place like Freidegg." + +Next time I too shall be more careful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANOTHER BLOW FOR THE COALITION." + +_Sombre Reveller._ "IS THIS PADDINGTON?" + +_Porter._ "PADDINGTON? NO! IT'S MERSTHAM. WHY, YOU AIN'T EVEN ON THE +RIGHT RAILWAY. THIS IS SOUTH-EASTERN AND CHATHAM." + +_Reveller._ "THERE Y'ARE, Y'SEE. THAT'S WHAT COMES OF GOV'MENT CONTROL +OF RAILWAYS."] + + * * * * * + +HOUND-FOXES. + +It was really Isabel's idea. But it must be admitted that the Foxes +took it up with remarkable promptitude. How it reached them is +uncertain, but maybe the little bird that nests outside her nursery +window knows more than we do. + +The idea owed its inception to my attempt at explaining the +pink-coated horsemen depicted on an old Christmas card. I did my best, +right up to and including the "worry," in which Isabel joined with +enthusiasm. Then she went to bed. + +But not to sleep. As I passed by the open door I heard a small +excited voice expounding to a lymphatic dolly the whole mystery of +fox-hunting:-- + +"And there was a wood, and there was a smell. And all the peoploos +on '_normous_ huge high horses. And _nen_ all the hound-foxes runned +after the smell and eated it all up." + +A fortnight later, taking a short cut through the Squire's coverts, I +sat down to enjoy the glory of woodland springtime. "There was a wood +and there was a smell." There certainly was; in fact I was all but +sitting upon an earth. + +All this is credible enough. Now I hope you will believe the rest of +the story. + +A dirty sheet of paper lay near Reynard's front doorstep. Idly +curious, I picked it up. Strange paper, a form of print that I had +never seen before; marked too with dirty pads. + +It was a newspaper of sorts. Prominent notices adjured the reader to +"Write to _John Fox_ about it." The leading article was headed + +"AN APPEAL." + +"Foxes of Britain!" it began; "opposed though we have always been to +revolutionary politics, a clear line is indicated to us out of the +throes of the Re-birth. The old feudal relations between Foxes and +Men have had their day. The England that has been the paradise of the +wealthy, of the pink-coated, of the doubly second-horsed, must become +that of the oppressed, the hunted, the hand-to-mouth liver. In a +word, we have had enough of Fox-Hounds; henceforth we will have +Hound-Foxes." + +Then the policy was outlined. Foxes could not hunt hounds--no; but +they could lead them a dog's life. They had been in the past too +sporting; thought too little of their own safety, too much of the +pleasure of the Hunt and of the reputation of its country. + +Henceforth the League of Hound-Foxes would dispense justice to the +oppressors. No more forty-minute bursts over the best line in the +country; no more grass and easy fences; no more favourable crossing +points at the Whissendine Brook; no more rhapsodies in _The Field_ +over "a game and gallant fox." + +A Hound-Fox would be game, but not gallant. He would carry with him +a large-scale specially-marked map, showing where bullfinches were +unstormable; where the only gaps harboured on the far side a slimy +ditch; where woods were rideless; where wire was unmarked; where +railways lured to destruction--over and through each and every point +would the Hound-Fox entice the cursing Hunt. + +As for the Hounds, they feared no obstacles, but they hated mockery. +_They_ should be led on to the premises of sausage factories; through +villages, to be greeted as brothers-in-the-chase by forty yelping +curs; into infant-schools (that old joke), where the delighted babes +would throw arms around their necks and call them "Doggie," until both +men and hounds would begin to question whether the game were worth the +candle. + +Therefore let every eligible vulpine enroll himself to-day as a +Hound-Fox. They must be dog-foxes, rising three or over, of good +stamina, with plenty of scent, intelligent and preferably unmarried. +The League Secretary was ---- (here followed the name, earth and +covert of a well-known veteran). + +There was other matter, of course. A "Grand Prize Competition--A +Turkey a Week for Life!" was announced. A humorous article on +Earth-Stoppers and, on the "Vixens' Page," a discussion as to the +edibility of Pekinese. + +Absent-mindedly I crumpled up the astounding rag and thrust it down +the hole. + + * * * * * + +I arose stiff, bemused. The hot March sunshine and the song of +birds had left me drowsy. A glance at my watch showed me, to my +astonishment, that was tea-time. So I made my way home. + +The reception of my story was as cold as the tea. They weren't such +fools, they said, as to believe it. So, knowing your larger charity, +dear Mr. Punch, I send it to you. + +And I shall await that retrospective article in some Maytime _Field_, +entitled "A Season of Disasters." + + * * * * * + +A CRITICAL PROBLEM. + + "_The Admirable Crichton_ is still one of the most captivating + of modern plays, rich in humour, scenically 'telling' and + close-packed with Barrieisms."--_Times_. + + "'Crichton' is one of the most agreeable Barrie plays, because + it is so free from Barrieisms."--_Manchester Guardian_. + + * * * * * + +SURMISES AND SURPRISES. + +The appearance of the Dean of ST. PAUL'S at a recent social gathering +not in the character of a wet blanket, but as a teller of jocund tales +and a retailer of humorous anecdotes, must not be taken as an +isolated and transient transformation, but as foreshadowing a +general conversion of writers and publicists hitherto associated with +utterances of a mordant, bitter, sardonic and pessimistic tone. + +It is rumoured at Cambridge that Mr. MAYNARD KEYNES, mollified by the +reception of his momentous work, has plunged into an orgy of optimism, +the first-fruits of which will be a treatise on _The Gastronomic +Consequences of the Peace_. Those who have been fortunate enough to +see the MS. declare that the personal sketches of Mr. CLYNES, Mr. G.H. +ROBERTS, Mr. HOOVER and M. ESCOFFIER are marked by a coruscating wit +unparalleled in the annals of Dietetics. The account of a dinner +at the "White Horse" is perhaps the _clou_ of an exceptionally +exhilarating entertainment. + +This agreeable swing of the pendulum is further illustrated by the +report that Mr. PHILIP GIBBS, by way of counteracting the depression +caused by his last book, is contemplating a palliative under the title +of _Humours of the Home Front_. It is hoped that the book will come +out serially in the pages of _The Hibbert Journal_. + +Very welcome too is the report, not yet officially confirmed, that Sir +E. RAY LANKESTER is engaged on a genial biography of Sir ARTHUR CONAN +DOYLE, with special reference to his achievements in the domain of +psychical research. + +Other similar rumours are flying about in Fleet Street, but we give +them with necessary reserve. One of them credits Mr. LYTTON +STRACHEY with the resolve to indite a panegyric of the Archbishop +of CANTERBURY. Another ascribes to Lord FISHER the preparation of a +treatise on _The Evils of Egotism_. + + * * * * * + +THE WEEK'S GREAT THOUGHT. + + "We are at a crisis, and a critical one at that."--_Sir + ARCHIBALD SALVIDGE in "The Sunday Chronicle_." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +A special matinee is to be given by Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER at the +Paladium, on Friday, March 19th, for the National Children's Adoption +Association. Mrs. LLOYD GEORGE, who makes a strong appeal for this +good work, will receive applications for tickets at 10, Downing +Street, S.W., and cheques should be made payable to her. + + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE ELECT ARE PRIVILEGED TO SEE THE FINISHED STATUE OF HERCULES BY A +CELEBRATED SCULPTOR.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE HOME. + +IV.--THE BARRISTER HUSBAND. + + _How doth the Barrister delight,_ + _According to his sort,_ + _To mix in any form of fight_ + _In any kind of Court._ + + When Nurse's temper runs amok, + And Cook is by the ears, + And all the home is terror-struck + By notices and tears, + And Madame begs me estimate + What argument or bounce'll + Restore and keep the peace, I state + Opinion of Counsel:-- + + "With language dignified and terse + And with a haughty look + I should annihilate the Nurse + And coldly crush the Cook; + And, if they started in to weep, + A word would make them stow it:-- + 'That's not effective, merely cheap; + And, what is more, you know it.'" + + "You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book + By just a look?" "I should." + "By something terse you'd make the Nurse + Feel even worse?" "I would." + "You'd say to weep was merely cheap + And, what was more, they knew it?" + "I should," say I; and her reply + Is: "Come along and do it." + + _How doth the Barrister delight_ + _In any low resort,_ + _And hurry from the losing fight_ + _To seek another Court._ + + * * * * * + + "Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five years + and some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might have been + busy on her voice. Well, it has scarcely."--_South African + Paper_. + +Her many admirers will be glad to know this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"HAND OVER YOUR MONEY!" + +"CERTAINLY, MY GOOD MAN. NOW I DON'T WANT TO BE PERSONAL, BUT YOU'VE +GOT THE VERY FACE I WANT FOR MY NEW FILM, 'THE BAD MAN OF CRIMSON +CREEK.' I'LL GIVE YOU FIFTY POUNDS A WEEK FOR AN EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT. +CAN I TEMPT YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN. + +In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to make sure of +a good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a bomb at Serajevo and +ruined my plans. But now it is going to happen again. And instead of +fighting with a vast crowd at Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk +up into the bathroom and look out of the window. It is wonderful. + +Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this race. I have +a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the course in my boat. It +is only ten feet long, but it is very, very heavy. Still, I have rowed +in it all over the course--with ease. Yet people talk as if it was +a marvellous thing for eight men to row a light boat over the same +water. Why is that? It is because the ignorant land-lubber regards +the river Thames as a pond; or else he regards it as a river flowing +always to the sea. He forgets about the tide. The Boat-Race is rowed +_with the tide_; they deliberately choose a moment when the tide is +coming in, and hope nobody will notice; and nobody does notice. The +tide runs about three miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat +still in the boat they would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd +would get a good look at them, instead of seeing them for ten seconds. +The race ought to be rowed _against_ the tide. Then it really would +be a feat of strength; then it really would take ten years off their +lives--perhaps more. Then perhaps small boys would drop things on them +from the bridges, as they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do +that now. There is a certain quiet satisfaction in dropping things +on people, especially if they are labouring under Hammersmith Bridge +against the tide, and I should imagine that the temptation to drop +things on a University crew would be almost irresistible. It is not +everyone who can look back and say, "In 1890 I hit the Oxford stroke +in the stomach with a stone." As it is, though, I suppose they go too +fast for that kind of thing. + +But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present system is +most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the boat." Even in a +football match it is possible for an aunt occasionally to distinguish +her nephew and say, "Look, there is Edward." But if she says, "Look, +there is Edward," meaning No. 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is +imagining. All she sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats, +or possibly the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's +legs. If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our +money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism into their +"After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll about in the boat +with a praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, but nobody really believes +they are tired--nobody at least who has rowed on the Thames with the +tide. + +No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the training +must be terrible. Think of it. They started practising in the second +week in January: they row the race in the fourth week in March. For +ten weeks and more they have been "getting those hands away" and +driving with those legs and not washing-out. For ten weeks horrible +men with huge calves have shouted at them and cursed them and told +them their sins, like a monk telling his beads--"Bow, you're late; +Two, you're early; Three, you're bucketing; Four, you're not bucketing +enough." I listen painfully, hoping against hope that at least one of +the crew may be left out of the catalogue, that Stroke at least may be +rowing properly. But no, Stroke is not forgotten, and even Cox doesn't +always give complete satisfaction. + +Sometimes I feel that I ought to row out in my little boat and offer +to tow the incompetents back to Putney. Yet they seem somehow to +travel very easily and well. But, however harmoniously they swing past +"The Doves" or quicken to thirty-five at Chiswick Eyot, I know that in +their hearts they are hating each other. Goodness, how they must hate +each other! For ten weeks they have been rowing together in the same +boring boat, behind the same boring back. I read with grim interest +about the periodical shiftings of the crew, how Stroke has moved to +the Bow thwart, and Bow has replaced Number Three, and Number Three +has shifted to the Stroke position. They may pretend that all this is +a scientific matter of adjustment, of balance and weight and so forth. +I know better. I know that Stroke is fed up with the face of Cox, and +that the mole on Number Two's neck has got thoroughly on Bow's nerves, +and that if Number Three has to sit any longer behind Number Four's +expanse of back he will go mad. That is the secret of it all. But +I suppose they each of them hate the coach, and that keeps them +together. + +Of all these sufferers perhaps Cox is most to be pitied. They all have +to eat what they're told, no doubt, yards and yards of beefsteak, and +so on. In the old days rowing men had to drink beer at breakfast; I +can't think of anything worse, except, perhaps, stout. But Cox doesn't +eat anything at all. He has to get thinner and thinner. And if there +is one thing worse, than eating beefsteak at breakfast it must be +watching eight rowing men eating beefsteak at breakfast and not eating +anything yourself. + +Yes, beyond question Cox is the real hero. I watch him dwindling, +day by day, from nine stone to eight stone, from eight stone to seven +stone twelve, and my heart goes out to the little fellow. And what a +job it is! If anything goes wrong, Cox did it. He kept too far out or +he kept too far in, or too much in the middle. But who ever heard of +Cox doing a brilliant piece of steering, or saving the situation, or +even rising to the occasion? His highest ambition is for _The Times_ +to say that he did his work "adequately"--like the _Second Murderer_ +in SHAKSPEARE. + +And at the finish he can't even pretend that he's tired, like the +other men; even if there was any spectacular way of showing that he +was half-frozen he couldn't do it, because he alone is responsible if +one of the steamers runs over them and they are all drowned. We ought +to take off our hats to Cox; though, of course, if we did, Stroke +would think it was intended for him. + +But indeed I take off my hat to all of them; not because of the race, +which, as I say, is a piece of hypocrisy, being rowed with the tide, +but because of the terrible preparation for the race. I wonder if it +is worth it. It is true that they have lady adorers on the towing-path +at Putney, and it is even rumoured that they receive anonymous +presents of chocolates. But presumably they are not allowed to eat +them, so that these can do little to alleviate their sufferings. It is +true also that for ever after (if their wives allow it) they can hang +an enormous oar on the wall and contemplate it after dinner. But, +after all, I can do that too, if I like; for I too have rowed over the +course. + +And _I_ shall have a free view of the race. But none of them will see +it at all. They will all be looking at the back of the man in front, +except Stroke, whose eye will be riveted on the second button of Cox's +blazer. What a life! + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shortsighted and quick-tempered Master of Hounds._ + +"HI! WHAT D'YE MEAN BY HEADING MY HOUNDS WITH THAT INFERNAL CAR? HOW +THE DEUCE CAN YOU HUNT IN A THING LIKE THAT, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + "To Let, permanent, Furnished Sitting-Boots (size 6); + 20s."--_Local Paper_. + +No, thanks; we already have a pair that are no good for walking. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home)_. "DO YOU +REMEMBER WHAT THIS TUNE IS OUT OF, DOCTOR? USED TO BE ALL THE RAGE +WHEN WE WERE IN OUR 'TEENS. TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM?" + +_Eminent Dyspepsia Specialist_. "THE WORDS ARE FAMILIAR."] + + * * * * * + +THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING. + +(_The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in the papers of +late._) + + Maud, when you turned me down (a year to-morrow), + Bidding me rise from off my suppliant knee, + And, while regretful if you caused me sorrow, + Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never be," + I did not lay aside my fond ambition; + I told myself, in spite of what occurred, + "This is her lunch or three o'clock edition, + And not her final word." + + I merely marvelled at your eccentricity, + Feeling convinced amid my blank amaze + That, though you might "absent you from felicity + Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase; + Convinced the mood impelling you to stifle + The aspirations that I'd dared outline + Was simply due to some extraneous trifle, + Not any flaw of mine. + + A chill or toothache might have vexed you greatly; + Perhaps you had a corn inclined to shoot, + Or possibly the sugar shortage lately + Had proved itself abnormally acute; + In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated, + A happier time to me would surely come, + When my request (impassioned) would be greeted + With no down-pointing thumb. + + Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage + Because that function, otherwise "quite nice," + Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage" + Mainly composed of valedictory rice, + Stinging the cheek and nestling in the clothing; + If that was so, I share the feeling, sweet; + For rice in puddings I've no special loathing, + But I detest it neat. + + If such your reason was, there 's no material + Objection to our union to-day; + No risk remains of that offensive cereal + Being employed in such a reckless way; + You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive + Thought that your brother is, a deadly shot; + Rice as a missile now is too expensive. + Anything doing--what? + + * * * * * + + "According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of 50,000 + are on their way to occupy Constantinople."--_Daily Paper_. + +It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that has +aroused the apprehensions of French chauvinists. + + * * * * * + + "Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly along + the coast, leaving a large booby." _"Planters and Commercial + Gazette" (Mauritius)._ + + "A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog, + Denikin's former headquarters, taking a huge booby."--_Same + Paper_. + +The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but we feel +that our contemporary might have put in a claim. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE. + +MAN IN THE STREET. "WELL, IF THE OTHER ALLIES SAY SO TOO, THERE MUST +BE SOMETHING IN IT. BUT _I_ ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THE _GOVERNMENT_ WAS TO +BLAME FOR EVERYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 8th_.--I should hesitate to call Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD +the _Pooh-Bah_ of the Ministry, though he has something of that +worthy's sublime self-confidence and his capacity for taking any +number of posts. The House, which knows him both as Under-Secretary +for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas Trade Department +of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him answering questions +relating to the nascent oil-wells in the United Kingdom, and to learn +that he had become "Minister for Petroleum Affairs." But there the +likeness ceases to be exact. _Pooh Bah's_ interest was in palm-oil. + +[Illustration: CARRYING ON. + +MR. NEAL CADDIES FOR SIR ERIC GEDDES.] + +A few days ago the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER facetiously compared +the critics of the Government to the poet of _Rejected Addresses_ +who declared that it was BUONAPARTE "who makes the quartern loaf and +Luddites rise." Out of the Government's own mouth the critics are now, +at any rate, partially justified, for the PRIME MINISTER announced +that the bread subsidy was to be halved, and that on and after April +12th the quartern loaf would rise--he did not quite know where. + +In view of the occasional rumours of friction between Government +departments it is pleasant to record that the Ministry of Transport +and the War Office are on the friendliest terms. Invited to abolish, +in the interests of the taxpayer, the cheap railway tickets now issued +to soldiers, Mr. NEAL said it was primarily a question for the War +Office, as in this matter Sir ERIC GEDDES would wish to move in +harmony with Mr. CHURCHILL. As the WAR SECRETARY promptly announced +his intention of doing his best to maintain the soldiers' privilege it +is conjectured that he will return from the ride with Sir ERIC inside. + +The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech to-night, and +acquitted himself so well that in the opinion of Members many months +his senior he is likely to go far. The Government had proposed to +"guillotine" the remaining Supplementary Estimates in order to get +them through before March 31st. Some ardent economists, mainly drawn +from the Coalition, while ready to concede the end, protested +against the means, and proposed that the House should make its own +arrangements. + +[Illustration: _RARA AVIS IN TERRIS_. + +"Never since the days of Icarus had there been an aviator quite like +the right hon. gentleman [Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL]. He had displayed +much sympathy with the Air Force and had almost been one of its +martyrs."--_Lord HUGH CECIL_.] + +Mr. BONAR LAW promptly perceived the advantage of transferring from +the Government to the House a disagreeable responsibility. Forgetting +that he was cast for the executioner, not the hero, he murmured, "It +is a far, far better thing," and graciously accepted the proposed +alternative. Mr. ASQUITH, not unwilling to help in establishing a +precedent which some day he himself may find useful, backed him up, +and the House, as a whole, congratulating itself on its escape from +the public executioner, cheerfully proceeded to commit _harakiri_. + +_Tuesday, March 9th_.--Mr. SHORTT relieved our apprehensions by +stating that the few spurious "Bradburys" in circulation are of home +manufacture, and that, while a few specimens emanating from Russia had +been sent here for identification, they were so poorly executed that +they would scarcely pass muster in this country. It is comforting to +think that there is one British industry which has nothing to fear +from foreign dumping, but is cheerfully forging ahead. + +The HOME SECRETARY also denied that there had been any remarkable +increase in pocket-picking or that schools existed for the training of +young criminals. As Sir MAURICE DOCKRELL pointed out, there is +indeed no need for them so long as the cinemas provide their present +facilities. _Fagin_ has been quite knocked out by the film. + +The Parliamentary vocabulary extends apace. Mr. RENDALL, whose motion +on divorce had been postponed under the new arrangements for business +until after Easter, complained that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had "done +him down." + +Part of the evening was devoted to the bread-subsidy. The debate +incidentally illustrated the intellectual independence of Ministers. +A few days ago Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in advocating the resumption of trade +with Russia, declared that "the corn-bins of Russia were bulging with +grain." To-night Mr. MCCURDY told the House that, according to his +information, the resumption of trade With Russia was not likely to +open up any large store of wheat or grain in the near future. +Possibly there is no real incongruity. The grain may be there, but the +Russians, greedy creatures, may be going to eat it themselves. + +_Wednesday, March 10th_.--Even in the gloomy atmosphere of the +Upper Chamber the subject of divorce lends itself to humour. Lord +BUCKMASTER, who introduced a Bill founded on the recommendations of +the Royal Commission, performed his task with due solemnity, but +some of the noble Lords who opposed it were positively skittish. Lord +BRAYE, for example, thought that, if the Bill passed, _Who's Who_ +would require a supplement entitled _Who's Who's Wife_; and Lord +PHILLIMORE illustrated the effects of easy divorce by a story of a +Swiss marriage in which the bride-elect was attended by four of the +happy man's previous spouses. He also told another of an American +judge who, having explained that in this department of his duties he +was "very strict," added, "Of course I make no difficulty the first +time, but if they come again within twelve months I want a good +reason." + +Mr. HOGGE led a vigorous attack on the Ministry of Transport, which +he seemed to think had done very little for its money except to divert +the omnibuses at Westminster and so make it more difficult for +Members of Parliament to get to the House. Mr. KENNEDY JONES, who was +responsible for the innovation, rather hinted that in the case of some +Members this might not be altogether an objection. The brunt of the +defence fell upon Mr. NEAL, owing to the regretted absence of his +chief, who had been ordered away by his doctor for a much-needed +holiday and was reported to be recruiting himself on the golf-links. +If exercise is what he needs he could have got plenty of it in the +House to-night. Thanks to a persistent minority, Members were kept +tramping through the Lobbies for the best part of five hours, and did +not complete the full round of eighteen divisions until 2.15 A.M. + +_Thursday, March 11th_.--Possibly the news of "direct action's" heavy +cropper at the Trade Union Conference had reached the Front Bench +before the PRIME MINISTER, in reply to a question regarding the +shortage of labour in the building trades, bluntly attributed it +to the stringency of the Trade Union regulations. When Mr. ADAMSON +attempted to shift the blame on to a Government Department Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE retorted that he would be perfectly ready to deal with any +peccant official if the Labour Leader for his part would deal with the +Trade Unions. + +General SEELY repeated his familiar arguments in favour of an +independent Air Ministry, and Mr. CHURCHILL once more defended his +position, urging that it was better for the Air Service to have half +a Minister in the Cabinet than none at all. To a suggestion that +the lives of the Armenians might have been saved if we had sent more +aeroplanes to Asia Minor, Mr. CHURCHILL replied that unfortunately the +Armenian and Turkish populations were so intermingled that our bombs +would be dropping indiscriminately, like the rain, "upon the just and +unjust feller." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Actor_ (_who has brought friend in for supper--to +lodging-house keeper_). "TUT, TUT, MA! CEASE YOUR APOLOGIES. WHAT IF +THERE IS BUT TWOPENNYWORTH OF FISH AND CHIPS? BRING IT FORTH. THIS IS +BOHEMIA!" + +_Ma_ (_politely bowing to stranger_). "HOW D'YE DO, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +BUBBLE AND SQUEAK. + +(_By a Grateful Student of the New English Dictionary_.) + + I can conjugate the modern verb "to wangle," + And, if required, translate it into Greek; + I can even tell a wurzel from a mangel; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I still can march eight furlongs at the double, + Although I shall be seventy next week; + I can separate a bubble from a bubble; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I know a catfish differs from a seamew; + I don't expect Bellaggio at Belleek; + I know a cassowary from an emu; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I'm acquainted with the works of HENRY PURZELL + (My mastery of spelling is unique); + I repeat, I know a mangel from a wurzel; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I'm proficient both in jotting and in tittling; + I know a certain cure for boots that creak; + I can see through Mr. KEYNES and _Mr. Britling_; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I can always tell a _hari_ from a _kari_ + ("_Harakiri_" is a silly pedant's freak); + I can tell the style of CAINE from that of MARIE; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I never take a DEELEY for a DOOLEY; + I never take a putter for a cleek; + I never talk of HEALY, meaning HOOLEY; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + I understand the sense of "oils are spotty"; + I know the height of Siniolchum's peak; + I know that some may think my ditty dotty; + But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak. + + P.S. + + I know the market price of eggs in Surrey, + The acreage of maize in Mozambique-- + And now at last, thanks to immortal "MURRAY," + I've learned to tell a bubble from a squeak. + +[Illustration: "OH, GEORGE WE MUST HAVE STEPPED OFF WITH THE WRONG +FOOT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONSERVATISM OF THE LIBERAL PARTY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you take no sides in party politics, but I +still think you would like to hear why it is that I have gone over to +the Independent Liberals. No, it has nothing to do with Mr. ASQUITH'S +triumphal procession and still less with the NORTHCLIFFE Press. The +fact is that till quite recently I belonged to the true blue Tory +school--was indeed probably the last survivor of the Old Guard--and +I found myself out of touch with the progressive tendencies of modern +Toryism, its deplorable way of moving with the times, its hopeless +habit of discarding what it would call the old shibboleths when it +wrongly imagined them to be outworn. My decision to leave a party that +has long ceased to deserve its honoured name was immediately due to a +Liberal Paper which editorially ridiculed the Liberty League, formed +for the defeat of Bolshevist propaganda, and pooh-poohed the idea of +the existence of dangerous Bolshevist elements in the country. This +attitude attracted me enormously; for I recalled the standpoint of the +same paper in the days before the War--how it ridiculed the alleged +German menace and pooh-poohed the idea of the existence of hostile +German elements in our midst. Here, I said, is the party for me; here +is your authentic Bourbon spirit--the type that learns nothing +and forgets nothing; that in the midst of a changing world remains +immovable as a rock. Yes, Sir, for a Tory of the old school there is +no place to-day except in the ranks of Liberalism. + + Yours faithfully, + SEMPER EADEM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN DRAMA BELOW STAIRS. + +THE "MAID'S" HOSPITALITY TO "ROBERT."] + + * * * * * + +RATES OF EXCHANGE. + +Jones was reading his morning paper in the opposite corner seat with +unusual attention, and he disregarded my greeting. + +"Why this absorption?" I inquired. "Usually you come to the station +with a piece of toast behind one ear, fastening your boots as you run, +and wake us all up with your first fine morning rapture." + +"I was just taking a look at the exchanges," he replied. "The mark's +about the same price as fly-paper, and, judging by the news from New +York, your chewing-gum is going to cost you more shortly. Do you know +anything about the money market?" + +"I occasionally see it stated that 'money is plentiful' in it," I +returned. "I should think it must be an ideal place." + +"The most gorgeous thing in the world is to make a bit on exchange," +he said. "There's such a splendid feeling of not having earned it, you +know." + +"I understand exactly," I replied. "Cox once credited me with an extra +month's pay by mistake. But I didn't realise that you ever had to +think about money matters after having run our Mess in France." + +He appeared to take no offence. His capacity for being insulted in +that direction had probably been exhausted during the period in point. + +"I know quite a lot about exchange," he remarked with a reminiscent +smile. "You remember that when I got pipped in France in '15, they +sent me out next time to Salonica. I hadn't been there very long +before the question of exchange cropped up. In the early days most +of us had English money only, and the villagers used to rook us +frightfully changing it. I remember sending my batman, MacGusgogh, to +a place for eggs, and he came back with the change for my Bradbury +in nickel. I had a good look at it, and on each coin was the mystic +inscription, 'DIHAP,' which is pronounced 'dinar.' + +"'MacGusgogh,' I said, 'you pretend to be a Scotsman and yet you've +been diddled. This is Serbian money, and not worth a bean.' + +"'Oh the deceitfu' deevils,' said he, 'there's neither truth nor +honesty in the leein' buddies, Sir. But here's your Bradbury, an', at +onny rate, we hae the eggs, Sir, for I paid for them wi' a label off +yin o' they Japaneesy beer bottles. It seemed an awfu' waste to spend +guid siller on folk that dinna ken when they see it.'" + +I began to see the possibilities of the money market. + +"I was round about there till the Armistice," Jones went on, "then I +drifted by stages to South Russia. All the Eastern countries live by +exchange. Practically the only trade they have is playing tennis with +each others' currency, and the headquarters of the industry in 1918 +was South Russia. I thought I'd seen the limit of low finance when I'd +experienced the franc, lira, drachma, dinar, lev and piastre; but they +were all child's play to the rouble in 1918." + +"I thought Russian money was all dud before that," I remarked. + +"Not a bit of it," said Jones. "You see, it's not as if there were one +breed, so to speak, of rouble. There were KERENSKY roubles, and +Duma roubles, and NICHOLAS roubles, and every little town had a +rouble-works which was turning out local notes as hard as they, could +go. I missed a fortune there by inches." + +"Tell me," I said, in response to his anecdotal eye. + +"I had a job there which consisted of going backwards and forwards on +the railway between Otwiski and Triadropoldir in the Caucasus, a six +days' trip. The possibilities of the situation never struck me till +one day I, asked a shopman in Triadropoldir to give me my change in +Otwiski roubles--both towns had their own currency, of course. He gave +me five Otwiski roubles for one of his own town. I thought a bit about +that, and when I got back to Otwiski I tried the same thing, and found +I could get three Triadropoldir roubles there for one Otwiski." + +"I see," I remarked, as the beauty of this arrangement dawned upon me. + +"All I had to do therefore was to change my money in Otwiski for three +times as much Triadropoldir currency, and then go up the line to the +other place and change it back again, making fifteen hundred per +cent, on the round trip. Of course you couldn't always change the full +amount, but in a couple of months I had sixty thousand roubles--my +valise was crammed with them--and I was only waiting to get down to +the Field Cashier to change out and make my fortune." + +"And did you?" I asked. + +"No, I didn't. One morning the Reds arrived in Triadropoldir, and +my servant and I only just got away with the valise on one of those +inspection cars which you propel by pulling a handle backwards and +forwards. A section of Red Cavalry came after us, and we took it in +turns to work the handle." + +"Your servant won't ever be short of a job," I commented. "He ought to +take to film-acting after that like a duck to water." + +"We soon finished my servant's ammunition and they were closing in +on us fast. My hair had appreciably lifted my tin hat when I had a +brain-wave and threw out a double handful of rouble notes. It worked +like a charm; they all stopped to collect the money, and we had gone +quite a distance before they caught us up again, I threw out more +notes at intervals, and the last thousand roubles went just as we came +in sight of DENIKIN'S outposts fifteen miles down the line. We were +saved, but I had lost my fortune, for there was no chance of repeating +the operation." + +I sighed. Then, without any regard for the conclusions of my +fellow-passengers, I silently raised both my hands above my head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ordinary Man_ (_to well-fed friend_). "HULLO! HOW ARE +THINGS WITH YOU? MAKING LOTS OF MONEY, I SUPPOSE?" + +_Yorkshireman_. "NO. WE DON'T _MAKE_ MONEY AT BRADFORD--WE JUST PICK +IT OOP."] + + * * * * * + + "She had her hair cut short, and claimed to be a member of a + tilted family."--_Provincial Paper_. + +One with a bend sinister, we presume. + + * * * * * + + A leader of fashion at Ely + Whose clothes were a bit down-at-heely + Was quite overcome + When he found he'd the sum + That would buy him a Mallaby-Deeley. + + * * * * * + + "BLACK CATS' STRIKE THREAT." + + _Heading in a Sunday Paper of a report of a demand made by + Viennese clerks for doubled salaries._ + +For "CATS'," read "COATS'." _O_ the diff! as WORDSWORTH said. + + * * * * * + + "Retriever Wanted; steady good worker: retrieve feather or + fur, land or water."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The exile of Amerongen could do with one of this breed. + + * * * * * + + "The act of the donor suggests the lines: + + "'How far doth that little candle throw its beams + On like a good deed in a naughty world.'" + _Daily Graphic_. + +The author's name is not given, but we do not think he has improved +much on SHAKSPEARE. + + * * * * * + +THE YEOMAN TRANSFORMED. + + [In accordance with the new Territorial organisation some + famous Yeomanry Regiments are to become Motor Machine-Gun + Units.] + + Can a horseman turn from his heart's desire at the stroke of a + statesman's pen? + Can we learn to fight from a motor-car--we who were mounted men? + In a petrol-tank and a sparking-plug shall we strive to put our + trust, + And hang our spurs as a souvenir to gather reproachful rust? + + Shall we never again ride knee to knee in the pomp of squadron line, + With head-ropes white as a mountain drift and curb chains all + a-shine? + Will they dawn no more, those glorious days when the world seemed + all our own, + Who rode as scouts on an errant quest, alive, alert, alone? + + Can a man be made by a motor-car as a man is made by a horse, + With strength in his back and legs and arms, and a brain of swift + resource? + We cared for our mounts before ourselves, their thirst before our + thirst; + Shall we come to learn, with the same content, to think of an + engine first? + + Grousing enough. Though times have changed a man may be needed yet. + Shall we stand aloof in an idle dream to nourish a vain regret? + Whatever England may ask of us our service must be hers; + And a horseman's quality 's in his heart and not in a pair of spurs. + +W.K.H. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT MUTTON CAMPAIGN. + +The recent disclosures concerning the enormous stocks of frozen mutton +held by the Ministry of Food--some of it killed two years ago--have +put the Government on their mettle, and a vigorous campaign is now in +preparation with the object of inducing the public to assist in the +disposal of these overgrown supplies. Mr. Punch, being in touch with +sources of information not accessible to the general Press, has been +able to secure an advance copy of a popular appeal Which is about to +be issued broadcast by the Government. It runs as follows:-- + +"Men, Women and Children of the United Kingdom!" + +"The time has now arrived when each one of you is privileged to +illumine these drab days of peace with a show of patriotism no less +brilliant than that which lit up the dark years of war. The task that +is demanded is a simple one, and no heavy price is exacted; all that +is required is a single-minded concentration upon the one essential +need of the moment. + +"Your Government, solicitous as always for your welfare, has during +the past two years accumulated a vast store of nutritious mutton +to safeguard you against the peril of starvation. That danger being +happily averted, it is now up to you to eat the stuff. This is not +a problem that can be tackled by half-measures. If you desire to +preserve the financial stability of the Empire, and if you do not wish +to go on eating antiquated corpses of Australasian sheep for the rest +of your lives, you must set your teeth in grim earnest, eating against +time and chewing over time. You must consume mutton for breakfast, +mutton for luncheon, mutton for tea and mutton for dinner. In fact, +each one of you must in the interests of the State become a mutton +glutton. + +"Do you shrink from the task? Do you shirk the chop now that you +know what is at stake? An army marches on its stomach; the nation's +well-being hangs on yours. Henceforth, until the 'Cease Fire' sounds, +you must fall upon the domestic enemy as our gallant soldiers fell +upon the alien foe. No quarter must be given, no quarter, fore or +hind, be permitted to escape. Beef must be banned and veal avoided as +the plague; no Briton worthy of the name will claim a fowl. + +"What are you going to do about it? Do you intend (to borrow a +Trans-atlantic phrase) to give the frozen mitt to the frozen mutt? +Or are you going to take it to your bosom and give it there, or +thereabouts, the home for which it has so long been vainly seeking? + +"Do it now and do it always. Let your daily motto be--'_Revenons a nos +moutons_.'" + +In addition to the foregoing, every British housewife is to be +supplied with a valuable booklet containing a number of official +recipes for dealing with mutton. Among the tasty dishes thus described +may be mentioned Whitehall Hash, Ministerial Mince, Reconstruction +Rissoles, Control Cutlets and Separation Stew. + +Mr. Punch also learns that in honour of the campaign the Yeomen of the +Guard are henceforth to be popularly known as the "Muttoneaters." + + * * * * * + +WHAT OF THE DUMPS? + + ["We repeat our question, therefore, and expect a 'Yes' or + 'No' answer: _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they + not_?"--_Daily Mail_.] + + While wealth untold lies heaped in idleness + We will not see the nation go to pot; + We ask you (kindly answer "No" or "Yes"): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + By many a shell-torn desolate chateau + Stand monumental piles of martial store + Reared up long since to stem a savage foe + By labours of the Army Service Corps; + + And day by day, in spite of our advice, + They linger wastefully to rust and rot; + We ask (and let your answer be concise): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + No more may KELLAWAY in bland retort + Disguise the truth with verbal circumstance; + Our special correspondents still report: + "Entrenching tools obscure the face of France.". + + The case is plain; the issue is distinct; + You either answer now or out you trot + (And kindly make that answer quite succinct): + _Have all the dumps been sold, or have they not_? + + * * * * * + + "WEDDING ROMANCE. + + "The acquaintanceship soon developed into a house where Miss + ---- was living."--_Daily Paper_. + +The chief obstacle to matrimony being thus removed, there could, of +course, be only one end to the story. + + * * * * * + + "The Committee has decided to call the contest the 'Golden + Apple Challenge,' having in mind the legend of Paris giving + a golden apple to Helen of Troy as the fairest of the three + beautiful women who came to ask his judgment."--_Daily Mail_. + +Personally we never attach much importance to these Paris legends. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Master_. "HI! YOU! 'WARE BEANS. DON'T YOU KNOW BEANS WHEN YOU SEE +'EM?" + +_P.-W.S._ "THEY'RE THE LITTLE THINGS THEY PUTS IN TINS WITH PORK, +AIN'T THEY?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +During the past few years the plays and stories, especially +the stories, of ANTON TCHEHOV have so triumphantly captured +English-speaking readers that there must be many who will welcome with +eagerness the volume of his _Letters_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS). This happy +chance we owe, of course, directly to Mrs. CONSTANCE GARNETT, who here +proves once again that in her hands translation ranks as a fine art. +Both the _Letters_ and the Biographical Sketch that precedes them are +of extraordinary charm and interest. Because TCHEHOV'S stories are +so conspicuously uncoloured by the personality of their writer (his +method being, as it were, to lead the reader to a window of absolute +transparency and bid him look for himself), it comes almost as a shock +to find how vivid and many-hued that personality in fact was. Nor +is it less astonishing to observe a nature so alive with sympathy +expressing itself in an art so detached. More than once his letters to +literary friends are concerned with a defence of this method: "Let the +jury judge them; it's my job simply to show what sort of people they +are." They are filled also with a thousand instances of the author's +delight in nature, in country sights and scents, and of his love and +understanding for animals (from which of the Tales is it that one +recalls the dog being lifted into the cart "wearing a strained +smile"?) Throughout too, if you have already read the eight little +volumes that contain the stories--which I certainly advise as a +preliminary--you will be continually experiencing the pleasure of +recognising the inspiration for this or that remembered scene. In +short, one of the most fascinating books that has come my way for a +long time. + +I needn't pretend that _Bed and Black_ (METHUEN), by GRACE S. +RICHMOND, is what is known to the superior as a serious work of art or +that the men (particularly) of her creating are what would be called +likely. But there's a sincerity about the writing which one has to +respect. Of her two heroes, _Red_ is _Redfield Pepper Burns_, the rude +and rugged doctor, and _Black_ is the _Rev. Robert McPherson Black_, +the perfect paragon of a padre in an American provincial town. The +author's main thesis is that padres are made of the right stuff. +_Black_, who was all for getting into the War from the beginning, +rushes off to Europe as chaplain with the first American drafts, gets +wounded, decorated and married. The conversion of _Red Pepper_, the +doctor, and of _Jane Ray_, who became _Mrs. Black_, is a little too +easily contrived to be very convincing. But this is a simple work for +simple souls who like a wholesome tale with a distinct list to the +side of the angels. Such untoward conduct as here appears is not +put in for its own interesting sake, but merely to bring out the +white-souled nobility of the principals. + + * * * * * + +If I had to select an author likely to win the long-distance dialogue +race of the British Isles I should, after reading _Uncle Lionel_ +(GRANT RICHARDS), unhesitatingly vote for Mr. S.P.B. MAIS. It is not +however so much the verbosity as the gloom of Mr. MAIS'S characters +that leaves me fretful. Nowadays, when a novel begins with a married +hero and heroine, we should be sadly archaic if we expected the course +of their conjugal love to run smoothly; but I protest that _Michael_ +and _Patricia_ overdid their quarrels, or, at any rate, that we are +told too many details about them. And when these people were nasty to +each other they could be very horrid. All which would not trouble me +half so much if I were not sure that Mr. MAIS, in his desire to he +forceful and modern, is inflicting a quite unnecessary handicap upon +himself. At present he is in peril of wrecking his craft upon some +dangerous rocks which (though I know it's not the right name for +rocks) I will call "The Doldrums." My advice to him is to cheer up. +And the sooner the better, for all of us. + + * * * * * + +There be novelists so fertile in literary resource or so catholic in +their choice of subject that the reader is never sure, when he +picks up their latest masterpiece, whether he is to have a comedy of +manners, a proletarian tragedy, a tale of Court intrigue or a satire +on the follies of the age. To the steady-going devotee of fiction--the +reader on the Clapham omnibus--this versatility is a source of +annoyance rather than of attraction, and I accordingly take pleasure +in stating that by those who like a light narrative, in which mystery +and romance are pleasingly blended, the author of _The Pointing Man_ +can be relied upon to rill the bill every time. Conformity to type is +a strong point with this author as far as the mystery and romance are +concerned, but within those limits he (or she) provides an admirable +range of scene, character and plot. In _The Further Side of the +Door_ (HUTCHINSON), the once handsome and popular hero emerges from +a war-hospital badly disfigured and is promptly jilted by his fiancee +and avoided, or so he thinks, by his acquaintances. Disgusted he +buries himself in an old haunted house in the wilds of Ireland and +abandons himself to the practice of magic. The result is highly +successful, for he raises, not a spirit indeed, but something much +more desirable to a lonely young man who has been contemplating +suicide. So much for the romance. The mystery is provided by a +villain, an enterprising young married woman, and the sinister +denizens of a creepy boarding-house. I heartily recommend _Punch_ +readers who like a mystery to buy the book and find out what happens. + + * * * * * + +The publishers of _Sir Limpidus_ (COLLINS) call it, in large print, +a "new and amusing novel," but I am not confident about your +subscription to the latter part of that statement; for Mr. MARMADUKE +PICKTHALL'S irony is either so subtle or so heavy (I cannot be +positive which) that one may well imagine a not too dull-witted reader +going from end to end without discovering the hidden intent. The +subject of the tale, which has no special plot, is a numbskull +landowner, _Sir Limpidus_, son of _Sir Busticus_, lord of Clearfount +Abbey, and type (according to Mr. PICKTHALL) of the landowning class +that he evidently considers ripe for abolition. As propaganda to +that end he conducts his hero through the usual career of the +pre-war aristocrat, sending him to public school and Varsity (those +sufficiently broad targets), giving him a marriage, strictly _de +convenance_, with the daughter of a peer, and finishing him off as a +member of the Government, alarmed at Socialist hecklers and welcoming +the War as likely to give a new direction to forces that threaten to +become too strong for his well-meaning incompetence. "It would rouse +the ancient spirit of the people and dispel their madness.... Even +defeat as a united nation would be better than ignoble peace with the +anarchic mob supreme." Of course this may be highly amusing, but-- +The fact is that, with a disappointment the greater from having genial +memories of a former book of his, I have to confess myself one of +the dullards for whom Mr. PICKTHALL'S satirical darts fall apparently +pointless. I am sorry. + + * * * * * + +I am feeling a little peevish about _Ladies in Waiting_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), because Miss KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN has often charmed me by +her writing in the past, and now she has disappointed me. Her latest +book contains five stories, all nicely written and set in charming +scenes; but their innocent sweetness is very nearly insipid, and +the fact that Miss WIGGIN'S only concern has been to find suitable +husbands for her six heroines (there are two in one story) makes them +curiously unexciting. Of course we all know that in American +fiction the hero and heroine will in the end marry, to their mutual +satisfaction; but unless the author can contrive _en route_ a few +obstacles which will intrigue the reader a marriage announcement in +the newspapers would be more economical and quite as interesting. It +is difficult to be "nice" and "funny," I know, and it was very noble +of Miss WIGGIN if one quality had to be left out to cling to the +niceness; but I hope that in her next book she will manage to be both. + + * * * * * + +While reading _With the Mad 17th to Italy_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) I could +not help feeling sorry that the public's appetite for war-literature +is reported to have become a little jaded for anything that is not +a book of revelations; and this because Major B.H. HODY, who was in +command of the 17th Divisional Supply Column, describes his trek from +Flanders to Italy with uncommon zest. It is an admirable account of +an achievement well worth recording, and the author in his advice +to C.O.'s, which seems to me full of wisdom and sound common-sense, +explains how it was that "the mad 17th" were from first to last "a +happy family." There is cause for deep sorrow in the thought that +Major HODY died suddenly at Cologne only a few weeks after his preface +was finished. He has left behind him a book which will be valued not +less for what it contains than for the sake of the man who wrote it. + + * * * * * + +In _Songs of the Links_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. Punch commends to his readers +the work of two of his contributors, Mr. R.K. RISK and Mr. H.M. +BATEMAN. + +[Illustration: GENTLEMAN (LATE OF PARACHUTE SECTION, R.A.F.) AFTER A +BAD WEEK'S RACING LEAVES HIS HOTEL WITHOUT UNNECESSARY OSTENTATION.] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, MARCH 17, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 15615.txt or 15615.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/1/15615 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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