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diff --git a/15605.txt b/15605.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb3246f --- /dev/null +++ b/15605.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1661 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 29, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 29, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2005 [eBook #15605] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 29, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15605-h.htm or 15605-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h/15605-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 29, 1892 + + + + + + + +IMPRESSIONS OF "IL TROVATORE." + +(_BY A MATTER-OF-FACT PHILISTINE AT COVENT GARDEN._) + +ACT I. SCENE 2.--_Leonora's_ confidant evidently alive to the +responsibilities of her position. Watch her, for example, when her +Mistress is about to confide to her ear the dawn of her passion for +_Manrico_. She walks _Leonora_ gently down to the footlights, launches +her into her solo, like a boat, and stands aside on the left, a +little behind, with an air of apprehension, lest she should come to +grief over the next high note, and a hand in readiness to support her +elbow in case she should suddenly collapse. Then, feeling partially +reassured, she goes round to inspect her from the right, where she +remains until her superior has completed her confidences, and it is +time to lead her away. Operatic confidant sympathetic--but a more +modern heroine might find one "get on her nerves," perhaps. _Manrico_ +a very robust type of Troubadour--but oughtn't a Troubadour to carry +about a guitar, or a lute, or something? If _Manrico_ has one, he +invariably leaves it outside. Probably doesn't see why, with so many +competent musicians in the orchestra, he should take the trouble of +playing his own accompaniments. And why does the Curtain invariably +come down as soon as swords are drawn? Tantalising to have all the +duels and fighting done during the _entr'actes._ + +[Illustration: Manrico, a rather full-blown "Ghost in Hamlet."] + +ACT II. SCENE 1.--_Azucena_ insists on telling _Manrico_ a long and +rather improbable story of how, in a fit of absorption, she once burnt +her own son in mistake for the _Conte di Luna's, Manrico_ listens, as +a matter of filial duty--because, after all, she is his mother--but +he is clearly of opinion that these painful family reminiscences are +far better forgotten. Perhaps he suspects that her anguish may be +due to a severe fit of indigestion--the symptoms of which are almost +indistinguishable from those of operatic remorse. At all events, he +does not find his parent a cheerful companion, and, as soon as he +finds a decent excuse for escape, takes it. + +SCENE 2.--The Cloisters of a Convent. _Enter_ the _Conte di Luna_, +with followers, to abduct _Leonora_. The followers range themselves +against a wall in the background, until the Count has finished +"_Il Balen_." If their opinion was asked, they would probably be +in favour of his making rather less noise about it, if he really +means business--but of course it is not _their_ place to interfere. +_Leonora_ enters to take the veil, with procession of nuns, preceded +by four female acolytes--or are they pages?--in white tights, carrying +tapers. The Count and his followers are evidently a little taken +aback--an abduction not quite so simple an affair as they expected. +While they are working themselves up to it, _Manrico_ appears, as the +stage-direction says, "like a phantom." In a helmet, with a horsehair +tail, and a large white cloak, he does look extremely like the +_Ghost_ in _Hamlet_, and which is, perhaps, why the Count, under the +impression that he is an apparition from some other Opera, allows him +to Walk off with _Leonora_ under his very nose. Swords are drawn--with +the usual result of bringing down the Curtain. + +[Illustration: "Azucena," or, "My pretty Chain!"] + +ACT III. SCENE 1.--Soldiers discovered carousing, as wildly as is +possible on four gilded cruets, and a dozen goblets. _Azucena_ +is brought before the Count, and manacled. Operatic handcuffs--a +most humane contrivance--with long links, to permit of the freest +facilities for entreaty and imprecation. Soldiers, who have been +called to arms, but stayed, from a natural curiosity to hear what the +_Conte di Luna_ had to say to the Gipsy, go off, as she is led away +to prison, with a sense that they have seen all there _is_ to be +seen, and a vague recollection that there is some fighting to be done +somewhere. + +SCENE 2.--_Leonora_, and _Manrico_ are about to be married; everything +prepared--four apathetic bridesmaids, and the four acolytes in +tights--who have possibly been kindly lent by the Convent for the +occasion--in a vacuous row at the back of the scene. Fancy _Manrico_ +has forgotten to give them the usual initial brooches, and they feel +the wedding is a poky affair, and take no interest in it. _Leonora_ +herself is in low spirits--seems to miss the confidant, and to be +oppressed with a misgiving that the wedding is not destined to come +off. Misgivings on the stage are never thrown away--the wedding _is_ +interrupted immediately by a crowd of men, in small sugar-loaf caps, +who carry the bridegroom off to fight--whereupon, of course, the +Curtain falls. + +[Illustration: Luna and the Star of the Evening.] + +ACT IV. SCENE 1.--_Leonora_ listening outside the tower in which +_Manrico_ is being tortured, after having been taken prisoner in a +combat during the _entr'acte_. Here a confidant might have comforted +her considerably by representing that they couldn't be torturing the +poor Troubadour so _very_ seriously so long as he is able to take part +in a duet--but unfortunately _Leonora_ seems to have discharged the +confidant after the Second Act--an error of judgment on her part, for +she is certainly incapable of taking care of herself. A cool-headed, +sensible confidant, for instance, would have taken care that the +bargain with the _Conte di Luna_ was conceived and carried out in a +more business-like spirit. + +"Now _do_ be careful," she would have said. "Make sure that the Count +keeps _his_ word before you break _yours_. Don't go and see _Manrico_ +yourself--it _can_ do no good, and will only harrow you! If you +really _must_ go, don't take a quick poison first--or you'll die +in his dungeon, and spoil the whole thing!" Which is just what +_Leonora_--like the impulsive operatic heroine she is--proceeds to +do, and is cruelly misunderstood by _Manrico_, in consequence, besides +hastening his doom by disappointing the Count, whose irritation was +only natural, and pardonable, under the circumstances. + +Don't quite see myself why the Count should be so horrified on +learning that the person he has just had executed was his long-lost +brother. It is not as if they had ever been friendly, or were at all +likely to become so, considering their previous relations. Depend +upon it, when he has time to think the matter over calmly, he will +recognise that things are better as they are, and that Fate has +solved his domestic difficulties in the only possible manner. A +Troubadour Brother, with a revengeful and quite unpresentable gipsy +foster-mother, would have proved very trying persons to live with. + + * * * * * + +"A CHIEL'S AMANG YE MAKING NOTES."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN sat next to +Sir HENRY HAWKINS during part of the recent sensational trial at +the Ancient Bailey, making, of course not taking, notes. Sir HENRY +occasionally conversed with the Knight of Music. Did the latter hum, +_sotto voce_, "_And a good Judge too!_" with other selections from +_Trial by Jury_? Everyone glad Sir ARTHUR is so well. Perhaps after +this he will return to Real Eccentric Gilbertian Opera, and go away +for "change of air." The "Carte" is at the door, ready to take him, +but his original "Gee Gee" has gone to America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!" + + "This Garter, brighter from the knee + Of him who uttered nothing--important."] + +_"Mister" Rosebery, loquitur_:-- + + A Star and Garter! Here's a go! + Well, well, no doubt 'twas to be worn meant; + And, as mere personal adornment, + It does look smartish, dontcher know! + + All personal adornment's vain, + Held Dr. WATTS, holds dear McDOUGALL; + For dowdy dress and habits frugal + Befit the Democratic strain. + + And I'm a Democrat--of course! + The BENJAMIN FRANKLIN of the Peerage! + And yet--ah! truly 'tis a queer age-- + Decoration has _some_ force! + + I wonder what the L.C.C. + Will say to this! That I should spurn it? + JOHN BURNS may swear I ought to burn it. + Still--it looks natty round my knee. + + I need not wear it when I sit + Among the broadcloth'd heirs of BUMBLE! + But Foreign Minister too humble + Were butt of diplomatic wit. + + Battersea's pride my pride may scourge. + Well--he may find he's caught a Tartar. + A robe--a coronet--a garter!-- + Materials for a new "PRIDE'S PURGE"! + + The keen-eyed Democratic lynx + May watch me with alert suspicion, + As but a half-disguised patrician, + But--shame to him who evil thinks! + +[_Left posturing complacently._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT. + +_Sportsman_ (_with gun_). "HILLO, ALGIE, BEEN CUB-HUNTING? HOW DOES +THE YOUNG 'UN GO?" + +_Algie_. "SPLENDIDLY, OLD FELLOW, SPLENDIDLY! NEVER CARRIED SO WELL +IN MY LIFE! GOT CLEAN AWAY WITH ME AS SOON AS THEY FOUND,--COULDN'T +HOLD HIM A BIT--BOLD AS A LION, NOTHING STOPS HIM,--WENT SLICK +THROUGH A FLIGHT O' FAIR-HOLED POSTS AND RAILS, SMASHED A GATE INTO +MATCHWOOD,--TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGHT AS THE CROW FLIES THROUGH AND OVER +EVERYTHING,--AND, HANG ME, IF HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GOING YET, IF HE +HADN'T PUT HIS FOOT INTO A RABBIT-HOLE CROSSING CRUMPLER COMMON, AND +COME A REGULAR CROWNER. DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DEUCE THE HOUNDS WENT TO! +HAD A GLORIOUS GALLOP, THOUGH, ALL TO MYSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTY-COUNCILLOR'S DIARY. + +(_A FEW YEARS HENCE._) + +_Monday_.--To-day's meeting of the Council rather stormy. The +Council's Clerk of the Works, who superintends the fifty thousand +builders, bricklayers, &c., who are now employed directly by us, +reports that, unless the concessions demanded by the men are granted, +they will all go out on strike to-morrow. The concessions are--Free +beer three times a-day; half-holiday every other day at full day's +wages; and a month's trip to the Riviera in winter, paid for out of +the rates. Clerk of the Works (appointed, on elective principle, by +the men themselves) describes these demands as "highly moderate and +reasonable." Council unable to agree with him. After sitting for six +hours, amid frightful uproar, Council breaks up, without coming to any +decision. + +_Tuesday_.--Workmen _have_ struck! Awkward, as they have just pulled +down north side of Strand, to make room for double lines of electric +tramways in centre of roadway, and whole street in an awful litter. +Begin to wish we had not "Abolished the Contractor" quite so hastily. + +_Wednesday_.--Another meeting of Council. Quite unanimous to go on +resisting men's demands. Clerk of Works reports that the Council's +scavengers, plumbers, carters, lamp-lighters, and turncocks, are all +threatening to strike, in sympathy with bricklayers. In consequence of +evident enjoyment with which Clerk makes this announcement, proposal +to decrease his salary from that of a Lord Chancellor to that of a +Puisne Judge, carried _nem. con_. In spite of attacks on Council in +the Press, satisfactory that it knows how to keep up its dignity at +this crisis. + +_Thursday_.--Matters getting serious. A deep fall of snow has +occurred, and Council's men refuse to clear it away, or let others do +the work! In addition, Strand tradesmen come in body to Spring Gardens +to say that "nobody can get near their shops, and they are being +rapidly ruined." Hastily-convened meeting of the Council. Proposal +to ask our old Contractor to rebuild Strand and clear snow away. Our +old Contractor declines to tender for the job! He says, "Council has +abolished the Middleman, and had better get on without him, if it +can!" Rude, but forcible. + +_Friday_.--Council heroically decides to do the work itself. Am told +off by Chairman to help remove old bricks on the Strand site. Have +first to dig snow away to get at bricks. Intense amusement of hostile +crowd, from whom we are protected by a cordon of police. Bark my +shins badly against wheel of cart. Chairman--who has been extremely +energetic in running up and down a ladder with a hod of mortar over +his shoulder, which he thinks is bricklaying--falls from ladder and is +taken off to Charing Cross Hospital; amid shower of brickbats. Crowd +wants to know "which is McDOUGALL." When they find out, pelt him with +snowballs. BURNS--who has stuck loyally to Council--fiercely denounced +as a "blackleg" by crowd. Amusing at any other time. Home in evening +dead tired, under police escort. Find all my front windows smashed! +After all--_was_ it wise to abolish the Contractor? + +_Saturday_.--Whole County Council, protected by several regiments from +Aldershot, a park of Artillery, and all the City Police (Council's +own Police being out on strike, in sympathy with bricklayers), manage +with great difficulty to fill ten carts with rubbish, and then adjourn +to Spring Gardens. Refreshments and free sticking-plaster handed +round before Meeting takes place. Meeting unanimously decides to +re-establish old Middleman system! Sir JOHN LUBBOCK humorously +suggests that it is, at any rate, better than the "muddle-man" system +which we have tried and found wanting. Bonus of L5,000 out of rates, +enthusiastically voted to any Contractor who will tender for job of +clearing snow and widening Strand. + +_Later_.--High Court disallows our "precept" for the L5,000 +bonus--says we must pay it out of our own pockets! + +Wish I had never stood for London County Council! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. NO. 2. + +Another of our speshal lot is good old SAM, with his wunderfool +memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally swears +as he remembers the time when there wasn't not no Cabs, nor no +Homnybusses nor no Hallways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no Perlice, in +all Lundon! And when there was grate droves of Cattel and Sheep druv +thro' the streets, and people used to have to put up bars at their +doors to keep 'em out. And menny and menny a time has he seen a reel +live Bullock march into his Master's Counting 'Ouse, with his two wild +horns a sticking out, and as it was to narrer for him to turn hisself +round, he used to have to be backed out tale foremost, with a fierce +dog a barking at his nose. + +[Illustration] + +Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How the peepel +got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as how +as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses, +and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old +coaches, called Ackney Coaches--coz, they was all maid at Ackney, I +suppose--all drorn by two ramshackel old Osses, and with werry shabby +old drivers with wisps of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some +brite Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they soon cut out the Ackney +Coaches, which all went back to Ackney, and was never seen no more. +And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented Homnybusses, and +they rayther estonished the Cabs, and what the next brite Genus will +inwent in that line, I don't know, and SAM don't know, and I don't +suppose as nobody else don't. But the most wunderfullest thing of all +must have bin the having of no Perlice! For SAM, acshally declares, +that before Perlice was inwented by Sir ROBERT PEEL--therefore +wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers--the only pertecters as London +had at night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened CHARLEY, who +used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers has at the QUEEN's +Pallaces, with a little lantern hanging up in front, and when the +Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to git out of their +boxes and wark up and down the streets a calling out, "Parst Three +o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it mite happen to be, and then +go back to their little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and quietly +go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times for Messrs. +DICK TUPPIN, JACK SHEPHARD, BILL SIKES, and Cumpny, unlimited. But, +SAM says, as they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost +anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and +that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and offen stood +at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches, +with white nite caps on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so +serously that we are forced to bleeve him. + +Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all likes to work +with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he's rayther a comical +feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the true fax of +the case, they'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total Waiters. +And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily bleeves +as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what he +means by it; but BROWN says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack +on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be +Tea-totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But +no--I'm in favour of Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud +think that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own +punishment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to +lead, than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most +bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous +Waiter's taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I +thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times, +as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner, +but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him to +taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was SANKY PANSER, some +relashun of MOODY and SANKY, I sposes. His master's name was DAN +QUICKSHOT, ony another name, I bleeves, for BUFFALO BILL. But that was +nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other day. +It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, by the +name of TANTLUS, who, becoz he was found out in helping hisself to sum +werry speshal brand of Neckter, was condemned to stand up to his neck +in water for ewer so many years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty +that he would have drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he +wasn't allowed not to taste a drop; and, not only that, but there was +a lot of most bewtifool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and +whenever he tried jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it +away out of his reach. Hence the prowerb, "You be blowed!" + +In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged in +former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian Gent's +constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny years! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +CARON AND CHARON. + +(_AFTER DIPPING INTO MAJOR LE CARON'S "RECOLLECTIONS."_) + + MAJOR LE CARON! Major! True, a greater + Or more accomplished spy who ever knew? + And so original! In fact, the _pater_ + Of all deception yields the palm to You! + Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met + Wile with wile wilier! And then, forsooth, + You so transformed yourself to suit each set, + That it is praise to say, "you lied like truth!" + And in an honest cause! Renown'd Ulysses, + That craftiest hero yields to you in guile. + You touch the gold! You're not the man who misses + A chance! You caught the wariest with your smile! + "CARON!" The "h" is dropped, or we could fix + (And so we can if Greek the name we make) + You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx, + Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake. + The simile is nearly perfect, note, + For you, with your Conspirators afloat, + Were, as you've shown us, all in the same boat. + + * * * * * + +AT IT AGAIN! + +The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to _Mr. +Punch_ for publication:-- + +I.--_Koniglich-Kaiserlicher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dummwitz von +Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second._ + +MOST GRACIOUS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my spouse, the +beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, ANNA ANSELMA, whom, +by your Majesty's ever-to-be-with-gratitude-remembered permission, I +last year to the altar led, is now of good hope, and will shortly, if +all should go well, add one to your Majesty's loyal and submissive +subjects. I make this announcement in accordance with your Majesty's +Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6. + +And I remain, &c. &c. &c., DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +II.--_William the Second to K.K.O.H.R.D.H.D. von Hammelfleisch._ + +HERR DOCTOR, + +I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7 of my +Hochzeit's Decree, I graciously give permission for the birth of the +child referred to in your communication. I beg, at the same time, to +point out that, by my Supplementary Decree (Proportions of Sexes), +issued last week, it is necessary that the child should be a boy. +Communicate this at once to the Frau K.E. Ober-Hof-Rathin Doctorin +A.A. VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +(Signed) WILLIAM I. ET R. + +III.--_K.K.O.H.R.D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King, William the +Second._ + +MOST IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my wife +communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your Imperial +Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. VON H. + +IV.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger."_ + +"Frau ANNA ANSELMA VON HAMMELFLEISCH, having last week given birth to +a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's Supplementary Decree +(No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our painful duty to announce +that the Herr Doctor DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH has been dismissed +from his post as K.K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will immediately be +prosecuted for the crime of _lese Majeste_." + +V.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month later_ + +"The prisoner, HAMMELFLEISCH, was yesterday condemned to twenty years' +solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. The wretched man +acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and begged others to take +warning by his fate." + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Most delightful weather favoured us last week at +Gatwick and Sandown, and most of the horses I mentioned as worth +following either finished nowhere or were not there at all, which I +think is a fair average record for a Turf prophet! I heard at Sandown +that sweeping reforms are to be expected in Turf matters next Season, +but I will not harp too much on this string, as more able pens than +mine have undertaken it--though how a "pen" can harp on a string I +don't quite see--or _hear_, it should be. + +I certainly think _Brandy_ would have won the Gatwick Handicap, but +I suppose the bottle is getting low, and is being reserved in case +the Cambridgeshire is run on a cold day! And that brings me to the +consideration of this great race. I do not propose to analyse the form +of all the horses, but will devote my attention to a few of the likely +ones--who should feel complimented thereat (I suppose a horse; can +feel a compliment just as well as it can a whip)--from which might +spring the winner. First and foremost, then, _La Fleche_ has, in my +opinion, enough weight to carry, even if the jockey is included, as I +believe is the case--and I was told by Sir CHARLEY WHITELEY, that to +win the Newmarket Oaks she had to be "bustled up"--a fashion which I +thought had quite gone out!--anyhow, many people think she is "not the +same mare she was"--though how they can have changed her I don't quite +understand, but it would not surprise me to find _Windgall_ the best +of the Baron's on the day. + +There are several horses spoken of as "rods in pickle," but as a +rule, these animals stop at "rods" and never get to "poles" much less +"perches!" Should Sir JAS. MILLER win the race, the town may resound +with many a merry _Joedel_, but this is trying weather for voices, +though I believe he is running untried, but certainly trying! There +was some doubt as to the starting of a great favourite, owing to a +report that the owner had been "forestalled"--an excuse which always +sounds very weak to me, as surely if outsiders can back a horse at +a long price, the owner should also be able to do so, and thus put +backers "in the cart"--where _some_ of them would present a picture +which might lead people to think the "cart" was on its way to Tyburn! +There appears to be considerable doubt as to whether _Buccaneer_ has +eaten anything lately or not, so I must discard him; but I think if he +were given a sherry and bitters at once he might recover his appetite +and win, as he is known to be a "glutton" for work! JEWITT's best +will take some beating, when we know which it is, which we shall do +shortly, as no stable is more ready than this to let everyone into +the secret of their "good things;", so if some _Whisperer_, should +tell you that his _Suspender_ is broken, it is on the cards that the +_Pensioner_ may still be able to walk home in safety! But enough +of this (as your readers will doubtless say!)--and let us come to +the point as the knife said to the pencil--so I will conclude by +recommending a "maximum" on my choice, and as it is a foreign one, I +must necessarily break out into foreign poetry--(just as easy to--), + +Yours devotedly, + +LADY GAY. + +CAMBRIDGESHIRE SELECTION. + + Le type le plus "noir" dans le monde, + Le nomme, on dit, Le Chouan! + Mais, roule au dessous de l'onde, + Devient "Blanc" comme _Kairouan_! + + * * * * * + +TO ASTRAEA. + +(_WHO WOULD HAVE ME SHOW HER MY HAND._) + +[Illustration] + + Too pretty Palmist, oh, refrain, + Nor thus my Destinies importune + To bare the map of trite and plain + Misfortune. + + Methinks, that I, sweet sorceress, + Whose weird persuasions fascinate us, + Can read my stars without express + Afflatus. + + "_I'm o'er ambitious_"--more than true; + To fail, the lot of clever men 'tis. + Who's _not_ a genius in his two- + And-twenties. + + (_Your_ two-and-twenties bide above, + While mine--I'm in the sere and yellow-- + But I was once the model of + A fellow.) + + "_My line of head is vague; now quite_ + _Down in the depths, now past the skyline"--_ + Hard lines! The line that sways a kite + Is my line. + + "_My line of heart is insecure_--" + Let "_x_" be hearts; to render scarce "_x_," + Let "I"-s divide it; _eyes_ are your + Unfair sex. + + "_My love will ne'er endure_:" you wrong + My passion: sooth, it will, if you're it: + Yet stay: to wed?--I couldn't long + Endure it. + + "_My line of life is slurred and queer_." + It always was--a hankey-pankey + Of glories missed--a fine career, + But _manque_. + + So there, forbear to spell my fate; + I've saved you that sibylline trouble; + You could but this true estimate + Redouble. + + Still, if you clasp my hand, and plead, + And, pouting, claim your second-sight, it + May chance that though you may not read, + You'll _write_ it. + + * * * * * + +WAS, IS, AND WILL BE. + +(_THREE PERIODS OF BIOGRAPHY._) + +PAST (_Historical_).--General SIMEON SNOOKES was one of the greatest +Commanders that ever figured in an European war. His defence of +Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long remembered by those of his +grateful countrymen who feared that the Corsican upstart would get +the upper hand in the semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian +Peninsula. A service nearly as important was performed when SNOOKES +(then a Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave PEGGE WELL BEY (the +Turkish conqueror) into the grasping hands of the British Government. +Yet still another victory was scored when Captain SNOOKES forced the +gates of Ram and Mar, and brought the proud Earls of the Five Free +Ports to their knees and their senses. That he should have received +the freedom of the City of London was as it should have been, and it +must have been gratifying to his sorrowing friends and relatives that +Royalty itself should have been represented at his obsequies. His fame +as a victorious General will never fade, and although his private +life may have been uninteresting, his connection with the noble +family of DE SCROGGYNS will for ever gain for him the respect of his +fellow-countrymen. + +PRESENT (_Anecdotal_).--General SNOOKES--better known in the last +century as "SIMPLE SIMON"--was a most interesting personage. Of +his military career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely +commonplace, and void of incident. He was a _petit maitre_--and +numerous tales are told of his gallantry. On one occasion, meeting +Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green at Turnham, he called attention +to the fairness of the sunset. "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said +the old _beau_, taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied +the malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but never +forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to +the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the +British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed H.R.H., "if the French invade +us, you must look after Number One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt +answer, "Number One Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote +a little later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the +best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean SWIFT. "I +propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said the simple one. +"Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have +a case of a _Gulliver_ come to judgment!" Many other good stories are +told of this General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than +in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster +Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage of the best-known +people of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the _National +Defender. "Sic transit gloria_," said some-one. "_Mundi_!" added the +journalist. + +FUTURE (_Conjectural_).--SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one knows who this person +was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that he may have had some official +connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the +ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of +his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE. + +A DUET FOR TENOR AND BASS.] + + * * * * * + +"SQUARED!" + +A SONG OF A SETTLEMENT. + +AIR--"_The Death of Nelson_." + +RECITATIVE. + + Near NELSON's monument, with gloom opprest, + The rowdy mourns a Question, now at rest. + But ASQUITH's laurels shall not fade with years, + Whose canny settlement the public cheers. + +AIR. + + 'Twas in Trafalgar's Square, + We heard the spouters blare, + Each rough rejoicing then. + They scorned churl WARREN's yoke, + Of order made a joke, + And claimed the Rights of Men. + But ASQUITH came, the cool and brave, + And poured oil on the troubled wave. + His speech was just a beauty! + Along each line this meaning ran:-- + "England respects true Rights of Man, + But means enforcing Duty." + + No more rude mobs may roar, + A nuisance and a bore, + Where'er BURNS lead the way. + As victory is this claimed + By spouts, by cool sense tamed? + All right! Let them hooray! + But dearly is their conquest bought, + 'Twas scarce for this mad GRAHAM fought + 'Tis _fair_, though--there's its beauty. + All just claims met by this shrewd plan, + The speechifying Rights of Man, + Plus the Policeman's duty. + + ASQUITH's clear, certain sound, + Will spread dismay around; + _Some_ circles. "We believed! + ASQUITH was on _our_ side," + The roughs will say. "He's tried, + And we--well, we're deceived. + If we're _permitted_ in this Square + To muster there, why should we care? + The game has lost its beauty! + Licence unfettered is _our_ plan. + Who cares a cuss for Rights of Man, + Checked by that bugbear Duty?" + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +I am indignant--disgusted! I went last night to see a new piece, +called _The Guardsman_, at the Court Theatre, the plot of which, +reminded me--'tis merely a coincidence--of _Incognita_, now going +strong in St. Martin's Lane. The coincident being that a certain young +man won't marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to marry, +because he is in love with quite another young lady (as he thinks) who +(the _incognita_) turns out to be the very lady whom he is required +to wed. However, that's not what I'm writing about. I leave criticism +to your "professional gent." Well, Sir, it was very amusing, and +very well acted. But from a military point of view, shameful, +Sir!--shameful! The people about me were laughing, and said that the +lines were good; that, take it all round, it ought to be a success; +that it was most amusing. But how could I appreciate anything when I +found a Captain in the Guards, on the Queen's Birthday, walking about +in plain leather boots! It was as bad, in my mind, as when Mr. CHARLES +WARNER, in the piece called _In the Ranks_, appeared as a private in +the same distinguished Regiment in patent leathers! And what was the +Captain doing, Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle's chambers, when he +was supposed to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I understood him +to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort of place +to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he should not have +left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, as orderly officer? But +perhaps he was not on duty, and had dropped in upon the mess (in the +height of the Season!) in a friendly sort of way. Well, that might +explain matters a bit, but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife +tells me that it is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress +the day before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never +been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham Palace. And +if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, and can vouch for +the strict accuracy of the statement. But these are minor matters. +What I _cannot_ stand are _The Guardsman's_ boots! + +Yours more in anger than in sorrow, + +AN OLD SOLDIER. + +_Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough_, _Tomatkinshire_. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. + + If I were a missionary + On the plains of Uganda, + I'd leave that position airy + Ere, at dawn, anew 'gan day. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION PAPER.--"_Here's Pip--Ask Pip. +Pip's our mutual friend_." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this +occur? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SQUARED!" + +FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE ON +SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!" + +SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; + +_OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS._ + +FYTTE THE SECOND. + + "Wire in, my warblers!" PUNCHIUS cried. "To 'wire,' + Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the Lyre." + Then forth there toddled with the mincing gait + Of some fair "Tottering Lily," him, the great + New Bard of Buddha! Grave, and grey of crest. + 'Tis he illumes the nubibustic West + With the true "_Light of Asia_"--or, at least, + Such simulacrum of the effulgent East + As shineth from a homemade Chinese lantern. + No HAFIZ he, or SAADI, yet he _can_ turn + Authentic Sanscrit to--Telegraphese, + And make the Muse a moon-faced Japanese. + Leaderesque love of gentle gush and "Caps.," + Is blent in him with fondness for the Japs. + "Wah! wah! futtee!--wah! wah, gooroo!" he cried, + And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride. + +THE MOANING OF THE BARDS. + + No moaning of the _bards_! A pleasant quip! + No manufactured gloom to dim that far light! + Of dirge's luxury deprive my lip? + So suns might say there shall be no more starlight! + + Lamping is _not_ required at day's full noon, + Lanterns _are_ out of place in dawn's fair flush-light; + But when dark night sets in, and there's no moon, + There is a chance for stars, or even a rushlight. + + No moaning of the bards? That were hard lines + For minor line-spinners, imperial TENNYSON! + Owls only have their chance when day declines, + That's why the night-birds crown thee with prompt benison. + + LEWIS has wailed and warbled--twiddlingly: + ALFRED has--rootley-tootlely--wailed and warbled; + WILLIAM's young Muse hath wept--then why not Me, + Whose brow, not less than theirs, with woe is marbled? + + ROBERT and AUSTIN (DOBSON) took their turns; + There is some talk, too, of Sir THEODORE MARTIN. + Seeing _my_ lips, too, thrill, _my_ heart, too, burns, + Why the great contest should I take no part in! + + May be I do not carry guns enough + To epically glorify King ARTHUR, + But I have penned some reams of rhythmic stuff + Concerning (please admire the rhyme!) SIDDARTHA. + + (That, as an "assonance," is quite as good + As "_sang_ it," and "_began_ it.") Ornamental + And Eastern Mythos draws me; but I'm good + At "Poems National and Non-Oriental." + + I love the Hindoos, I adore the Japs; + I'm fond of scraps of Oriental lingo; + Yet I'm a patriot, and have hymned, perhaps, + As much as most, my native god, great Jingo! + + I think a Muse with twinkly almond orbs, + Would--as a change--in England prove most fetching; + Is it not plain Jap Art our Art ahsorbs! + Why not in singing, then, as well as sketching? + + I'm sure my "GEISHA" is as good a girl + As _Vivien_, or _Faustine_, or e'en _Dolores_. + Is she more frail, less fair, that perfect pearl + Of Singing Girls, Xipangu's great'st of glories? + + Knocks her nice little flat nose on the floor, + In Japanese politeness, my "Half Jewel." + ALGERNON's nymphs, in song or in _amour_ + Are always coarse and generally cruel. + + "_Pearls of the Faith_," is a most pious work, + Although AL-MUTAHALI is the stringer. + But only he who hates "The Unspeakable Turk," + On _that_ account would blame the Christian singer! + + "Lotus and Jewel!" Doesn't that sound nice? + My mild Jap Muse _may_ be a roguey-poguey; + But there's no stimulus to pleasant vice + About a holy Brahman or chaste Yogi. + + "Land of the Rising Sun," delightful "Third + Kingdom of Merry Dreams," of you I'm amorous. + Must _that_ exclude me from the Wreath? Absurd! + I'm prettily pious, and I'm gently glamorous. + + My Knighthood proves that I am quite O.K., + My dear _D.T._ will answer for my morals; + I'm steeped in Sanscrit lore, and so must say + I can't see why I should not wear the laurels! + + "Quite so," said _Punch_. "I like your rhyme--and cheek; + Still, there be others yet to hear--next week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON. + +_The Governess_. "And now, what is a Parable, Effie?" + +_Effie_ (_who has got rather muddled_). "A Parable? Oh, of course, a +Parable is a Heavenly story with an Earthly meaning!"] + + * * * * * + +APOLOGIA ARRYGATENSIS.--"'ARRY in Arrygate" was so much sought +after everywhere that it was thought _Mr. Punch_ could not possibly +supply the great demand for this article with sufficient celerity +and dispatch. Hence it happened that the _Harrogate Advertiser_ +enthusiastically reproduced the entire article as published in _Mr. +Punch's_ pages, without saying "with your leave, or by your leave," +to the Proprietors representing _Mr. Punch_. So, _Mr. Punch_, always +kindly and courteous, was compelled in this instance to "know the +reason why." Whereupon _The Harrogate Advertiser_ acknowledged that it +did not "harrogate to itself" any sort of right to republish wholesale +without acknowledgment anything that has appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ +pages, and at once handsomely apologised for this instance of +priggishness quite unprecedented in the _Harrogate Advertiser's_ +columns (_Vide Harrogate Advertiser_, October 15). _Box_ and _Cox_ are +satisfied. _Causa flnita est. Vive_ 'ARRY! Likewise 'Arrygate! And, +know, all men, by these presents, that _Mr. P._ is quite wide-awake. + + * * * * * + +ANECDOTAGE.--Said the Old Parliamentary Hand, entering Christ Church, +"I prefer _this_ House to the other!" It was _the_ success of the +visit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COOL HAND. + +_Irrepressible Pupil_. "Poor Stuff, Sir, this Virgil. Don't you think +so?" + +_Suffering Coach_ (_who can scarcely believe his ears_). "Poor Stuff, +Sir! Virgil--poor Stuff! _What do you mean_?" + +_Irrepressible Pupil_ (_unmoved_). "Seems to me, Sir, it's merely a +Literal Translation of some of the best English Cribs!"] + + * * * * * + +LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES! + + ["It is to be sincerely hoped that there is no truth in + the rumour that a paper for children will shortly make its + appearance, entirely written and illustrated by children under + fifteen years of age."--_St. James's Gazette, October 12th._] + + Why, churlish critic, do you hope sincerely + The rumour, which you mention, is untrue? + Mere prejudice makes you regard severely + The cause of liberty which we pursue. + We are, _The Prattler_ will establish clearly, + Quite competent to edit a review; + The age of greatest wisdom will be seen + To be decidedly below fifteen. + + _We_ never showed, as we need hardly mention, + That fabled ignorance about the stars, + From earliest days we spoke about 'declension,' + And argued on the atmosphere of Mars; + While parents we put up with, more attention + We paid towards another kind of "pars."; + Full soon was lit the journalistic flame,-- + We lisped in leaders, for the leaders came. + + That foolish custom, which, at present smothers + Our youthful genius, we shall supersede. + Here are some papers which, with many others, + Will make _The Prattler_ eminent indeed;-- + A series on "The Management of Mothers," + Will meet, we hope, a long-experienced need; + Elsewhere we'll note, in some attractive way, + The latest long-clothes fashion of the day. + + Instruction in the art of window-breaking, + And modes to tame a fiery governess, + Descriptions of perambulator-making-- + No need on details to lay further stress, + You'll own our journalistic undertaking, + Must prove an unequivocal success; + While you, who uttered this untimely sneer, + Will blush, apologise, and disappear! + + * * * * * + +MY FIRST BRIEF. + +[Illustration] + + When you, my first brief, were delivered, + Every fibre in me quivered + With delight. I seemed to see + Myself admitted a Q.C.; + Piles of briefs upon the table, + More work to do than I was able; + Clients scrambling for advice, + Then LORD CHANCELLOR in a trice. + + I seized my virgin pencil blue, + Marked and perused you through and through. + The story brief, instructions short, + Defendant in a County Court, + It needed not an ounce of sense + To see that you had no defence. + But, erudite in English law, + I fashioned bricks without the straw. + + Around my chamber-floor I sped. + Harangued the book-case on each head; + DEMOSTHENES and CICERO + On hearing me had cried a go. + Then I must own that I was nettled-- + Out of Court the case was settled. + All my points were left unmade, + And the fee is left unpaid. + + * * * * * + +POLITE LEARNING. + + [Professor LOMBROSO writes in the _Revue des Revues_ that all + women are liars. Mr. VICTOR HORSLEY writes in the _Times_ that + one of Miss COBBE's statements is a lie.] + + Shameful, shocking, rude Professor! + CRICHTON BROWNE--your predecessor + In attacks, would-be suppressor + Of the higher + Education--once compared them + To the Pantaloon, and scared them, + But he was polite, and spared them + Words like "liar." + + Lie, indeed! There is a middle + Course--say "fib" or "tarradiddle," + "Not quite true," "A sort of riddle + Facts to smother." + We, who love the fair romancer-- + Be she talker, singer, dancer, + What you will, she's sweet--we answer, + "You're another!" + + As for you, rough Mr. HORSLEY, + Arguing so very coarsely, + May I say yours is a worse lie,-- + Rhyming badly? + You, so skilled in vivisection, + Could cut up Miss COBBE's objection, + With your tongue in some subjection, + Not thus madly. + + Why, LOMBROSO would despise you, + Though he is so rude. These "lies" you + Freely write make folks surmise you + An impostor, + Not the lady. You've not "licked" her. + (Slang to suit you) though you're VICTOR. + Since you stoop to contradict her + Like a coster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S SHOOTING-PARTY.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OUT OF SEASON.--MY CARETAKER. + +[Illustration] + + A mysterious thing + For our commonplace day, + Is the lady I sing + In the following lay. + + While I'm shooting the grouse, + Or enjoying the sea, + She takes care of my house + For a nominal fee. + + For ten shillings a-week + Does this wonderful woman + Undertake, so to speak, + An existence inhuman. + + Like their dwellings the rabbits + Deep in darkling retreats, + This weird widow inhabits + Subterranean seats. + + What with humour "contrary," + Or ironic despair, + She denominates "airey"-- + From its absence of air! + + It would give _me_ the blues + Household gods to uphold + With a _Lloyd's Weekly News_ + Of some fifty days old. + + In a Stygian gloom, + Far from sun and ozone, + She sits locked in her room, + Uncompanioned, alone. + + At a knock, at a call + How she shivers and starts! + She's "that nervous"--and "Hall + Of 'er fambly 'as 'earts." + + Not till gloaming obscure + Cools hot London at last, + Hies she forth to procure + Her ideal repast. + + "_A red 'erring, an inion, + Just of dripping a bite_" + --This is not my opinion, + Hers _verbatim_ I cite. + + But I fancy, though loth to + Thus detract from her merits, + (And I've her solemn oath too!) + That she's "partial to sperrits." + + For once suddenly coming + (She supposed me away) + I was struck by her humming + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + + And not humming it only; + Also _dancing_ the same,-- + This bereaved, honest, lonely + Deferential dame! + + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + In my desolate hall; + I, though prone to be gay, + Didn't like it at all. + + "Which," she said, "it was Fits-- + The Sint Biteus"--her fling!-- + Yes! The Caretaker, it's + A mysterious thing. + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +LUNCH (CONTINUED). + +How well I remember a certain day in the by-gone years, when for the +first time a great truth suddenly burst upon me in all its glory. The +morning's sport had been unsuccessful. We were all fairly tired, and +some of us, in spite of the moderate temperature, were perspiring +freely. For we had been walking up late partridges most of the +morning, with just an occasional shot here and there at pheasants in +covert. Now, late partridges are perhaps the least amenable of created +things. They cherish a perfectly ridiculous conviction that nature, +in endowing them with life, intended that they should preserve it, +and consequently they hold it to be their one aim and object to fly, +whirring and cheeping, out of sight, long before even an enthusiastic +shot could have a chance of proving to them how beautifully a bird can +be missed. For some reason or other, our host had refused or had been +unable to drive the birds. One result was that we had tramped and +tramped and tramped, getting only rare shots, and doing but little +execution. Another result was, that the place was simply littered +with lost tempers, and we sat down to lunch very much out of conceit +with ourselves, our guns, our cartridges, the keepers, the dogs, and +everything else. The pleasant array of plates and glasses, and the +savoury odours of the meats mitigated, but did not dispel the frowns. +Then suddenly there dropped down amongst us, as it were from the +sky, the Great Woodcock Saga. In a moment the events of the morning +were forgotten, brows cleared, tempers were picked up, and an eager +hilarity reigned over the company, while the adventures of the +wonderful bird were pursued from tree to tree, from clump to clump, +through all the zig-zags of his marvellous flight, until he finally +vanished triumphantly into the unknown. + +Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this way:--First +of all suppose that a woodcock has shown himself somewhere or other +during the morning. If he was seen it follows, as the day follows +the night, (1), that _everybody_ shot at him at the most fantastic +distances without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the +party; (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that +everybody, though having, according to his own version, been +especially careful himself, has been placed in imminent peril by the +recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw himself flat on +his face to avoid death; and (5), that the woodcock is not really a +bird at all, but a devil. The following is suggested as an example of +Woodcock-dialogue, the scene being laid at lunch:-- + +[Illustration] + +_First Sportsman_ (_pausing in his attack on a plateful of curried +rabbit_). By Jupiter! that was a smartish woodcock. I never saw the +beggar till he all but flew into my face, and then away he went, like +a streak of greased lightning. I let him have both barrels; but I +might as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I fancy I tickled him up +with my left. + +_Second Sportsman_ (_a stout, jovial man, breaking in_). Tickled _him_ +up! By gum, I thought _I_ was going to be tickled up, I tell you. Shot +was flying all round me--bang! bang! all over the place. I loosed +off twice at him, and then went down, to avoid punishment. Haven't a +notion what became of him. + +_Third Sportsman_ (_choking with laughter at the recollection_). I saw +you go down, old cock. First go off, I thought you were hit: but, when +you got that old face of yours up, and began to holler "Wor guns!" +as if you meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn't much +the matter with _you_. Just look at him, you chaps. Do you think an +ordinary charge of shot would go through _that_? Not likely. + +_Fourth Sportsman_ (_military man_). Gad, it was awful! I'd rather be +bucketed about by EVELYN WOOD for a week than face another woodcock. I +heard 'em shoutin', "Woodcock forward! Woodcock back! Woodcock to the +right! Woodcock to the left! Mark--mark!" Gad! thinks I to myself, the +bally place must be full of 'em. Just then out he came, as sly as be +blowed. My old bundook went off of its own accord. I bagged the best +part of an oak tree, and, after that, I scooted. Things were gettin' +just a shade too warm, by gad! A reg'lar hail-storm, that's what it +was. No, thank you, thinks I; not for this party--I'm off to cover. So +that's all _I_ know about it. Thanks, TOMMY--do you mind handin' round +that beer-jug? + +_First Sportsman_ (_rallying him_). Just think of that. And we're all +of us taxed to keep a chap like that in comfort. Why you're _paid_ +to be shot at--that's what you're _there_ for, you and your thin red +line, and all that. By Jupiter! we don't get our money's worth out +of you if you're going to cut and run before a poor, weak, harmless +woodcock. + + [_Military Sportsman is heavily chaffed._ + +_Military Sportsman_. Oh, it's all very well for you Johnnies to gas +like that--but, by Gad, you didn't seem over-anxious to stand fire +yourselves. Why your teeth are chattering still, BINKS. + +_Binks_. Ah, but I'm only a poor civilian. + +_Military Sportsman_. Well, I cut and ran as a civilian. See? Did +anyone shoot the bloomin' bird, after all? + +_The Host_. _Shoot_ him? I should think not. The last I saw of him he +was sailing off quite comfortable, cocking snooks at the whole lot. +Have another go of pie, JOHNNY? + +So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of which +every sportsman is bound to recognise. And the great truth that +burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore good temper to a +shattered party, you must start talking about woodcocks. If you saw +a woodcock in the morning, talk about that one. If not, begin about +the woodcock you saw last week, or the woodcock somebody else missed +the week before. But whatever you do, always keep a woodcock for +a (metaphorically) rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you +shoot, and watch the effect. + + * * * * * + +"GRIEVANCES OF CIVIL SERVANTS."--Sir, seeing this heading in the +_Times_ to a letter which I didn't stop to read, I can only say, for +my part, that us servants as is really civil ought not never to have +any "grievancies." Tips is the reward to "_civil_ servants."--Yours, +THE BUTLER. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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