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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15605-8.txt b/15605-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd5fcc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/15605-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1661 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 29, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 29, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2005 [eBook #15605] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 29, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15605-h.htm or 15605-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h/15605-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 29, 1892 + + + + + + + +IMPRESSIONS OF "IL TROVATORE." + +(_BY A MATTER-OF-FACT PHILISTINE AT COVENT GARDEN._) + +ACT I. SCENE 2.--_Leonora's_ confidant evidently alive to the +responsibilities of her position. Watch her, for example, when her +Mistress is about to confide to her ear the dawn of her passion for +_Manrico_. She walks _Leonora_ gently down to the footlights, launches +her into her solo, like a boat, and stands aside on the left, a +little behind, with an air of apprehension, lest she should come to +grief over the next high note, and a hand in readiness to support her +elbow in case she should suddenly collapse. Then, feeling partially +reassured, she goes round to inspect her from the right, where she +remains until her superior has completed her confidences, and it is +time to lead her away. Operatic confidant sympathetic--but a more +modern heroine might find one "get on her nerves," perhaps. _Manrico_ +a very robust type of Troubadour--but oughtn't a Troubadour to carry +about a guitar, or a lute, or something? If _Manrico_ has one, he +invariably leaves it outside. Probably doesn't see why, with so many +competent musicians in the orchestra, he should take the trouble of +playing his own accompaniments. And why does the Curtain invariably +come down as soon as swords are drawn? Tantalising to have all the +duels and fighting done during the _entr'actes._ + +[Illustration: Manrico, a rather full-blown "Ghost in Hamlet."] + +ACT II. SCENE 1.--_Azucena_ insists on telling _Manrico_ a long and +rather improbable story of how, in a fit of absorption, she once burnt +her own son in mistake for the _Conte di Luna's, Manrico_ listens, as +a matter of filial duty--because, after all, she is his mother--but +he is clearly of opinion that these painful family reminiscences are +far better forgotten. Perhaps he suspects that her anguish may be +due to a severe fit of indigestion--the symptoms of which are almost +indistinguishable from those of operatic remorse. At all events, he +does not find his parent a cheerful companion, and, as soon as he +finds a decent excuse for escape, takes it. + +SCENE 2.--The Cloisters of a Convent. _Enter_ the _Conte di Luna_, +with followers, to abduct _Leonora_. The followers range themselves +against a wall in the background, until the Count has finished +"_Il Balen_." If their opinion was asked, they would probably be +in favour of his making rather less noise about it, if he really +means business--but of course it is not _their_ place to interfere. +_Leonora_ enters to take the veil, with procession of nuns, preceded +by four female acolytes--or are they pages?--in white tights, carrying +tapers. The Count and his followers are evidently a little taken +aback--an abduction not quite so simple an affair as they expected. +While they are working themselves up to it, _Manrico_ appears, as the +stage-direction says, "like a phantom." In a helmet, with a horsehair +tail, and a large white cloak, he does look extremely like the +_Ghost_ in _Hamlet_, and which is, perhaps, why the Count, under the +impression that he is an apparition from some other Opera, allows him +to Walk off with _Leonora_ under his very nose. Swords are drawn--with +the usual result of bringing down the Curtain. + +[Illustration: "Azucena," or, "My pretty Chain!"] + +ACT III. SCENE 1.--Soldiers discovered carousing, as wildly as is +possible on four gilded cruets, and a dozen goblets. _Azucena_ +is brought before the Count, and manacled. Operatic handcuffs--a +most humane contrivance--with long links, to permit of the freest +facilities for entreaty and imprecation. Soldiers, who have been +called to arms, but stayed, from a natural curiosity to hear what the +_Conte di Luna_ had to say to the Gipsy, go off, as she is led away +to prison, with a sense that they have seen all there _is_ to be +seen, and a vague recollection that there is some fighting to be done +somewhere. + +SCENE 2.--_Leonora_, and _Manrico_ are about to be married; everything +prepared--four apathetic bridesmaids, and the four acolytes in +tights--who have possibly been kindly lent by the Convent for the +occasion--in a vacuous row at the back of the scene. Fancy _Manrico_ +has forgotten to give them the usual initial brooches, and they feel +the wedding is a poky affair, and take no interest in it. _Leonora_ +herself is in low spirits--seems to miss the confidant, and to be +oppressed with a misgiving that the wedding is not destined to come +off. Misgivings on the stage are never thrown away--the wedding _is_ +interrupted immediately by a crowd of men, in small sugar-loaf caps, +who carry the bridegroom off to fight--whereupon, of course, the +Curtain falls. + +[Illustration: Luna and the Star of the Evening.] + +ACT IV. SCENE 1.--_Leonora_ listening outside the tower in which +_Manrico_ is being tortured, after having been taken prisoner in a +combat during the _entr'acte_. Here a confidant might have comforted +her considerably by representing that they couldn't be torturing the +poor Troubadour so _very_ seriously so long as he is able to take part +in a duet--but unfortunately _Leonora_ seems to have discharged the +confidant after the Second Act--an error of judgment on her part, for +she is certainly incapable of taking care of herself. A cool-headed, +sensible confidant, for instance, would have taken care that the +bargain with the _Conte di Luna_ was conceived and carried out in a +more business-like spirit. + +"Now _do_ be careful," she would have said. "Make sure that the Count +keeps _his_ word before you break _yours_. Don't go and see _Manrico_ +yourself--it _can_ do no good, and will only harrow you! If you +really _must_ go, don't take a quick poison first--or you'll die +in his dungeon, and spoil the whole thing!" Which is just what +_Leonora_--like the impulsive operatic heroine she is--proceeds to +do, and is cruelly misunderstood by _Manrico_, in consequence, besides +hastening his doom by disappointing the Count, whose irritation was +only natural, and pardonable, under the circumstances. + +Don't quite see myself why the Count should be so horrified on +learning that the person he has just had executed was his long-lost +brother. It is not as if they had ever been friendly, or were at all +likely to become so, considering their previous relations. Depend +upon it, when he has time to think the matter over calmly, he will +recognise that things are better as they are, and that Fate has +solved his domestic difficulties in the only possible manner. A +Troubadour Brother, with a revengeful and quite unpresentable gipsy +foster-mother, would have proved very trying persons to live with. + + * * * * * + +"A CHIEL'S AMANG YE MAKING NOTES."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN sat next to +Sir HENRY HAWKINS during part of the recent sensational trial at +the Ancient Bailey, making, of course not taking, notes. Sir HENRY +occasionally conversed with the Knight of Music. Did the latter hum, +_sotto voce_, "_And a good Judge too!_" with other selections from +_Trial by Jury_? Everyone glad Sir ARTHUR is so well. Perhaps after +this he will return to Real Eccentric Gilbertian Opera, and go away +for "change of air." The "Carte" is at the door, ready to take him, +but his original "Gee Gee" has gone to America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!" + + "This Garter, brighter from the knee + Of him who uttered nothing--important."] + +_"Mister" Rosebery, loquitur_:-- + + A Star and Garter! Here's a go! + Well, well, no doubt 'twas to be worn meant; + And, as mere personal adornment, + It does look smartish, dontcher know! + + All personal adornment's vain, + Held Dr. WATTS, holds dear McDOUGALL; + For dowdy dress and habits frugal + Befit the Democratic strain. + + And I'm a Democrat--of course! + The BENJAMIN FRANKLIN of the Peerage! + And yet--ah! truly 'tis a queer age-- + Decoration has _some_ force! + + I wonder what the L.C.C. + Will say to this! That I should spurn it? + JOHN BURNS may swear I ought to burn it. + Still--it looks natty round my knee. + + I need not wear it when I sit + Among the broadcloth'd heirs of BUMBLE! + But Foreign Minister too humble + Were butt of diplomatic wit. + + Battersea's pride my pride may scourge. + Well--he may find he's caught a Tartar. + A robe--a coronet--a garter!-- + Materials for a new "PRIDE'S PURGE"! + + The keen-eyed Democratic lynx + May watch me with alert suspicion, + As but a half-disguised patrician, + But--shame to him who evil thinks! + +[_Left posturing complacently._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT. + +_Sportsman_ (_with gun_). "HILLO, ALGIE, BEEN CUB-HUNTING? HOW DOES +THE YOUNG 'UN GO?" + +_Algie_. "SPLENDIDLY, OLD FELLOW, SPLENDIDLY! NEVER CARRIED SO WELL +IN MY LIFE! GOT CLEAN AWAY WITH ME AS SOON AS THEY FOUND,--COULDN'T +HOLD HIM A BIT--BOLD AS A LION, NOTHING STOPS HIM,--WENT SLICK +THROUGH A FLIGHT O' FAIR-HOLED POSTS AND RAILS, SMASHED A GATE INTO +MATCHWOOD,--TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGHT AS THE CROW FLIES THROUGH AND OVER +EVERYTHING,--AND, HANG ME, IF HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GOING YET, IF HE +HADN'T PUT HIS FOOT INTO A RABBIT-HOLE CROSSING CRUMPLER COMMON, AND +COME A REGULAR CROWNER. DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DEUCE THE HOUNDS WENT TO! +HAD A GLORIOUS GALLOP, THOUGH, ALL TO MYSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTY-COUNCILLOR'S DIARY. + +(_A FEW YEARS HENCE._) + +_Monday_.--To-day's meeting of the Council rather stormy. The +Council's Clerk of the Works, who superintends the fifty thousand +builders, bricklayers, &c., who are now employed directly by us, +reports that, unless the concessions demanded by the men are granted, +they will all go out on strike to-morrow. The concessions are--Free +beer three times a-day; half-holiday every other day at full day's +wages; and a month's trip to the Riviera in winter, paid for out of +the rates. Clerk of the Works (appointed, on elective principle, by +the men themselves) describes these demands as "highly moderate and +reasonable." Council unable to agree with him. After sitting for six +hours, amid frightful uproar, Council breaks up, without coming to any +decision. + +_Tuesday_.--Workmen _have_ struck! Awkward, as they have just pulled +down north side of Strand, to make room for double lines of electric +tramways in centre of roadway, and whole street in an awful litter. +Begin to wish we had not "Abolished the Contractor" quite so hastily. + +_Wednesday_.--Another meeting of Council. Quite unanimous to go on +resisting men's demands. Clerk of Works reports that the Council's +scavengers, plumbers, carters, lamp-lighters, and turncocks, are all +threatening to strike, in sympathy with bricklayers. In consequence of +evident enjoyment with which Clerk makes this announcement, proposal +to decrease his salary from that of a Lord Chancellor to that of a +Puisne Judge, carried _nem. con_. In spite of attacks on Council in +the Press, satisfactory that it knows how to keep up its dignity at +this crisis. + +_Thursday_.--Matters getting serious. A deep fall of snow has +occurred, and Council's men refuse to clear it away, or let others do +the work! In addition, Strand tradesmen come in body to Spring Gardens +to say that "nobody can get near their shops, and they are being +rapidly ruined." Hastily-convened meeting of the Council. Proposal +to ask our old Contractor to rebuild Strand and clear snow away. Our +old Contractor declines to tender for the job! He says, "Council has +abolished the Middleman, and had better get on without him, if it +can!" Rude, but forcible. + +_Friday_.--Council heroically decides to do the work itself. Am told +off by Chairman to help remove old bricks on the Strand site. Have +first to dig snow away to get at bricks. Intense amusement of hostile +crowd, from whom we are protected by a cordon of police. Bark my +shins badly against wheel of cart. Chairman--who has been extremely +energetic in running up and down a ladder with a hod of mortar over +his shoulder, which he thinks is bricklaying--falls from ladder and is +taken off to Charing Cross Hospital; amid shower of brickbats. Crowd +wants to know "which is McDOUGALL." When they find out, pelt him with +snowballs. BURNS--who has stuck loyally to Council--fiercely denounced +as a "blackleg" by crowd. Amusing at any other time. Home in evening +dead tired, under police escort. Find all my front windows smashed! +After all--_was_ it wise to abolish the Contractor? + +_Saturday_.--Whole County Council, protected by several regiments from +Aldershot, a park of Artillery, and all the City Police (Council's +own Police being out on strike, in sympathy with bricklayers), manage +with great difficulty to fill ten carts with rubbish, and then adjourn +to Spring Gardens. Refreshments and free sticking-plaster handed +round before Meeting takes place. Meeting unanimously decides to +re-establish old Middleman system! Sir JOHN LUBBOCK humorously +suggests that it is, at any rate, better than the "muddle-man" system +which we have tried and found wanting. Bonus of £5,000 out of rates, +enthusiastically voted to any Contractor who will tender for job of +clearing snow and widening Strand. + +_Later_.--High Court disallows our "precept" for the £5,000 +bonus--says we must pay it out of our own pockets! + +Wish I had never stood for London County Council! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. NO. 2. + +Another of our speshal lot is good old SAM, with his wunderfool +memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally swears +as he remembers the time when there wasn't not no Cabs, nor no +Homnybusses nor no Hallways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no Perlice, in +all Lundon! And when there was grate droves of Cattel and Sheep druv +thro' the streets, and people used to have to put up bars at their +doors to keep 'em out. And menny and menny a time has he seen a reel +live Bullock march into his Master's Counting 'Ouse, with his two wild +horns a sticking out, and as it was to narrer for him to turn hisself +round, he used to have to be backed out tale foremost, with a fierce +dog a barking at his nose. + +[Illustration] + +Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How the peepel +got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as how +as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses, +and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old +coaches, called Ackney Coaches--coz, they was all maid at Ackney, I +suppose--all drorn by two ramshackel old Osses, and with werry shabby +old drivers with wisps of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some +brite Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they soon cut out the Ackney +Coaches, which all went back to Ackney, and was never seen no more. +And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented Homnybusses, and +they rayther estonished the Cabs, and what the next brite Genus will +inwent in that line, I don't know, and SAM don't know, and I don't +suppose as nobody else don't. But the most wunderfullest thing of all +must have bin the having of no Perlice! For SAM, acshally declares, +that before Perlice was inwented by Sir ROBERT PEEL--therefore +wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers--the only pertecters as London +had at night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened CHARLEY, who +used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers has at the QUEEN's +Pallaces, with a little lantern hanging up in front, and when the +Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to git out of their +boxes and wark up and down the streets a calling out, "Parst Three +o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it mite happen to be, and then +go back to their little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and quietly +go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times for Messrs. +DICK TUPPIN, JACK SHEPHARD, BILL SIKES, and Cumpny, unlimited. But, +SAM says, as they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost +anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and +that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and offen stood +at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches, +with white nite caps on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so +serously that we are forced to bleeve him. + +Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all likes to work +with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he's rayther a comical +feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the true fax of +the case, they'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total Waiters. +And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily bleeves +as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what he +means by it; but BROWN says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack +on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be +Tea-totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But +no--I'm in favour of Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud +think that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own +punishment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to +lead, than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most +bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous +Waiter's taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I +thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times, +as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner, +but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him to +taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was SANKY PANSER, some +relashun of MOODY and SANKY, I sposes. His master's name was DAN +QUICKSHOT, ony another name, I bleeves, for BUFFALO BILL. But that was +nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other day. +It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, by the +name of TANTLUS, who, becoz he was found out in helping hisself to sum +werry speshal brand of Neckter, was condemned to stand up to his neck +in water for ewer so many years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty +that he would have drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he +wasn't allowed not to taste a drop; and, not only that, but there was +a lot of most bewtifool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and +whenever he tried jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it +away out of his reach. Hence the prowerb, "You be blowed!" + +In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged in +former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian Gent's +constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny years! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +CARON AND CHARON. + +(_AFTER DIPPING INTO MAJOR LE CARON'S "RECOLLECTIONS."_) + + MAJOR LE CARON! Major! True, a greater + Or more accomplished spy who ever knew? + And so original! In fact, the _pater_ + Of all deception yields the palm to You! + Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met + Wile with wile wilier! And then, forsooth, + You so transformed yourself to suit each set, + That it is praise to say, "you lied like truth!" + And in an honest cause! Renown'd Ulysses, + That craftiest hero yields to you in guile. + You touch the gold! You're not the man who misses + A chance! You caught the wariest with your smile! + "CARON!" The "h" is dropped, or we could fix + (And so we can if Greek the name we make) + You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx, + Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake. + The simile is nearly perfect, note, + For you, with your Conspirators afloat, + Were, as you've shown us, all in the same boat. + + * * * * * + +AT IT AGAIN! + +The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to _Mr. +Punch_ for publication:-- + +I.--_Koniglich-Kaiserlicher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dummwitz von +Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second._ + +MOST GRACIOUS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my spouse, the +beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, ANNA ANSELMA, whom, +by your Majesty's ever-to-be-with-gratitude-remembered permission, I +last year to the altar led, is now of good hope, and will shortly, if +all should go well, add one to your Majesty's loyal and submissive +subjects. I make this announcement in accordance with your Majesty's +Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6. + +And I remain, &c. &c. &c., DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +II.--_William the Second to K.K.O.H.R.D.H.D. von Hammelfleisch._ + +HERR DOCTOR, + +I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7 of my +Hochzeit's Decree, I graciously give permission for the birth of the +child referred to in your communication. I beg, at the same time, to +point out that, by my Supplementary Decree (Proportions of Sexes), +issued last week, it is necessary that the child should be a boy. +Communicate this at once to the Frau K.E. Ober-Hof-Rathin Doctorin +A.A. VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +(Signed) WILLIAM I. ET R. + +III.--_K.K.O.H.R.D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King, William the +Second._ + +MOST IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my wife +communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your Imperial +Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. VON H. + +IV.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger."_ + +"Frau ANNA ANSELMA VON HAMMELFLEISCH, having last week given birth to +a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's Supplementary Decree +(No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our painful duty to announce +that the Herr Doctor DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH has been dismissed +from his post as K.K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will immediately be +prosecuted for the crime of _lèse Majesté_." + +V.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month later_ + +"The prisoner, HAMMELFLEISCH, was yesterday condemned to twenty years' +solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. The wretched man +acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and begged others to take +warning by his fate." + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Most delightful weather favoured us last week at +Gatwick and Sandown, and most of the horses I mentioned as worth +following either finished nowhere or were not there at all, which I +think is a fair average record for a Turf prophet! I heard at Sandown +that sweeping reforms are to be expected in Turf matters next Season, +but I will not harp too much on this string, as more able pens than +mine have undertaken it--though how a "pen" can harp on a string I +don't quite see--or _hear_, it should be. + +I certainly think _Brandy_ would have won the Gatwick Handicap, but +I suppose the bottle is getting low, and is being reserved in case +the Cambridgeshire is run on a cold day! And that brings me to the +consideration of this great race. I do not propose to analyse the form +of all the horses, but will devote my attention to a few of the likely +ones--who should feel complimented thereat (I suppose a horse; can +feel a compliment just as well as it can a whip)--from which might +spring the winner. First and foremost, then, _La Flèche_ has, in my +opinion, enough weight to carry, even if the jockey is included, as I +believe is the case--and I was told by Sir CHARLEY WHITELEY, that to +win the Newmarket Oaks she had to be "bustled up"--a fashion which I +thought had quite gone out!--anyhow, many people think she is "not the +same mare she was"--though how they can have changed her I don't quite +understand, but it would not surprise me to find _Windgall_ the best +of the Baron's on the day. + +There are several horses spoken of as "rods in pickle," but as a +rule, these animals stop at "rods" and never get to "poles" much less +"perches!" Should Sir JAS. MILLER win the race, the town may resound +with many a merry _Jödel_, but this is trying weather for voices, +though I believe he is running untried, but certainly trying! There +was some doubt as to the starting of a great favourite, owing to a +report that the owner had been "forestalled"--an excuse which always +sounds very weak to me, as surely if outsiders can back a horse at +a long price, the owner should also be able to do so, and thus put +backers "in the cart"--where _some_ of them would present a picture +which might lead people to think the "cart" was on its way to Tyburn! +There appears to be considerable doubt as to whether _Buccaneer_ has +eaten anything lately or not, so I must discard him; but I think if he +were given a sherry and bitters at once he might recover his appetite +and win, as he is known to be a "glutton" for work! JEWITT's best +will take some beating, when we know which it is, which we shall do +shortly, as no stable is more ready than this to let everyone into +the secret of their "good things;", so if some _Whisperer_, should +tell you that his _Suspender_ is broken, it is on the cards that the +_Pensioner_ may still be able to walk home in safety! But enough +of this (as your readers will doubtless say!)--and let us come to +the point as the knife said to the pencil--so I will conclude by +recommending a "maximum" on my choice, and as it is a foreign one, I +must necessarily break out into foreign poetry--(just as easy to--), + +Yours devotedly, + +LADY GAY. + +CAMBRIDGESHIRE SELECTION. + + Le type le plus "noir" dans le monde, + Le nomme, on dit, Le Chouan! + Mais, roulé au dessous de l'onde, + Devient "Blanc" comme _Kairouan_! + + * * * * * + +TO ASTRÆA. + +(_WHO WOULD HAVE ME SHOW HER MY HAND._) + +[Illustration] + + Too pretty Palmist, oh, refrain, + Nor thus my Destinies importune + To bare the map of trite and plain + Misfortune. + + Methinks, that I, sweet sorceress, + Whose weird persuasions fascinate us, + Can read my stars without express + Afflatus. + + "_I'm o'er ambitious_"--more than true; + To fail, the lot of clever men 'tis. + Who's _not_ a genius in his two- + And-twenties. + + (_Your_ two-and-twenties bide above, + While mine--I'm in the sere and yellow-- + But I was once the model of + A fellow.) + + "_My line of head is vague; now quite_ + _Down in the depths, now past the skyline"--_ + Hard lines! The line that sways a kite + Is my line. + + "_My line of heart is insecure_--" + Let "_x_" be hearts; to render scarce "_x_," + Let "I"-s divide it; _eyes_ are your + Unfair sex. + + "_My love will ne'er endure_:" you wrong + My passion: sooth, it will, if you're it: + Yet stay: to wed?--I couldn't long + Endure it. + + "_My line of life is slurred and queer_." + It always was--a hankey-pankey + Of glories missed--a fine career, + But _manqué_. + + So there, forbear to spell my fate; + I've saved you that sibylline trouble; + You could but this true estimate + Redouble. + + Still, if you clasp my hand, and plead, + And, pouting, claim your second-sight, it + May chance that though you may not read, + You'll _write_ it. + + * * * * * + +WAS, IS, AND WILL BE. + +(_THREE PERIODS OF BIOGRAPHY._) + +PAST (_Historical_).--General SIMEON SNOOKES was one of the greatest +Commanders that ever figured in an European war. His defence of +Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long remembered by those of his +grateful countrymen who feared that the Corsican upstart would get +the upper hand in the semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian +Peninsula. A service nearly as important was performed when SNOOKES +(then a Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave PEGGE WELL BEY (the +Turkish conqueror) into the grasping hands of the British Government. +Yet still another victory was scored when Captain SNOOKES forced the +gates of Ram and Mar, and brought the proud Earls of the Five Free +Ports to their knees and their senses. That he should have received +the freedom of the City of London was as it should have been, and it +must have been gratifying to his sorrowing friends and relatives that +Royalty itself should have been represented at his obsequies. His fame +as a victorious General will never fade, and although his private +life may have been uninteresting, his connection with the noble +family of DE SCROGGYNS will for ever gain for him the respect of his +fellow-countrymen. + +PRESENT (_Anecdotal_).--General SNOOKES--better known in the last +century as "SIMPLE SIMON"--was a most interesting personage. Of +his military career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely +commonplace, and void of incident. He was a _petit maître_--and +numerous tales are told of his gallantry. On one occasion, meeting +Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green at Turnham, he called attention +to the fairness of the sunset. "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said +the old _beau_, taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied +the malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but never +forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to +the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the +British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed H.R.H., "if the French invade +us, you must look after Number One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt +answer, "Number One Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote +a little later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the +best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean SWIFT. "I +propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said the simple one. +"Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have +a case of a _Gulliver_ come to judgment!" Many other good stories are +told of this General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than +in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster +Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage of the best-known +people of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the _National +Defender. "Sic transit gloria_," said some-one. "_Mundi_!" added the +journalist. + +FUTURE (_Conjectural_).--SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one knows who this person +was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that he may have had some official +connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the +ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of +his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE. + +A DUET FOR TENOR AND BASS.] + + * * * * * + +"SQUARED!" + +A SONG OF A SETTLEMENT. + +AIR--"_The Death of Nelson_." + +RECITATIVE. + + Near NELSON's monument, with gloom opprest, + The rowdy mourns a Question, now at rest. + But ASQUITH's laurels shall not fade with years, + Whose canny settlement the public cheers. + +AIR. + + 'Twas in Trafalgar's Square, + We heard the spouters blare, + Each rough rejoicing then. + They scorned churl WARREN's yoke, + Of order made a joke, + And claimed the Rights of Men. + But ASQUITH came, the cool and brave, + And poured oil on the troubled wave. + His speech was just a beauty! + Along each line this meaning ran:-- + "England respects true Rights of Man, + But means enforcing Duty." + + No more rude mobs may roar, + A nuisance and a bore, + Where'er BURNS lead the way. + As victory is this claimed + By spouts, by cool sense tamed? + All right! Let them hooray! + But dearly is their conquest bought, + 'Twas scarce for this mad GRAHAM fought + 'Tis _fair_, though--there's its beauty. + All just claims met by this shrewd plan, + The speechifying Rights of Man, + Plus the Policeman's duty. + + ASQUITH's clear, certain sound, + Will spread dismay around; + _Some_ circles. "We believed! + ASQUITH was on _our_ side," + The roughs will say. "He's tried, + And we--well, we're deceived. + If we're _permitted_ in this Square + To muster there, why should we care? + The game has lost its beauty! + Licence unfettered is _our_ plan. + Who cares a cuss for Rights of Man, + Checked by that bugbear Duty?" + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +I am indignant--disgusted! I went last night to see a new piece, +called _The Guardsman_, at the Court Theatre, the plot of which, +reminded me--'tis merely a coincidence--of _Incognita_, now going +strong in St. Martin's Lane. The coincident being that a certain young +man won't marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to marry, +because he is in love with quite another young lady (as he thinks) who +(the _incognita_) turns out to be the very lady whom he is required +to wed. However, that's not what I'm writing about. I leave criticism +to your "professional gent." Well, Sir, it was very amusing, and +very well acted. But from a military point of view, shameful, +Sir!--shameful! The people about me were laughing, and said that the +lines were good; that, take it all round, it ought to be a success; +that it was most amusing. But how could I appreciate anything when I +found a Captain in the Guards, on the Queen's Birthday, walking about +in plain leather boots! It was as bad, in my mind, as when Mr. CHARLES +WARNER, in the piece called _In the Ranks_, appeared as a private in +the same distinguished Regiment in patent leathers! And what was the +Captain doing, Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle's chambers, when he +was supposed to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I understood him +to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort of place +to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he should not have +left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, as orderly officer? But +perhaps he was not on duty, and had dropped in upon the mess (in the +height of the Season!) in a friendly sort of way. Well, that might +explain matters a bit, but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife +tells me that it is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress +the day before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never +been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham Palace. And +if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, and can vouch for +the strict accuracy of the statement. But these are minor matters. +What I _cannot_ stand are _The Guardsman's_ boots! + +Yours more in anger than in sorrow, + +AN OLD SOLDIER. + +_Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough_, _Tomatkinshire_. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. + + If I were a missionary + On the plains of Uganda, + I'd leave that position airy + Ere, at dawn, anew 'gan day. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION PAPER.--"_Here's Pip--Ask Pip. +Pip's our mutual friend_." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this +occur? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SQUARED!" + +FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE ON +SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!" + +SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; + +_OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS._ + +FYTTE THE SECOND. + + "Wire in, my warblers!" PUNCHIUS cried. "To 'wire,' + Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the Lyre." + Then forth there toddled with the mincing gait + Of some fair "Tottering Lily," him, the great + New Bard of Buddha! Grave, and grey of crest. + 'Tis he illumes the nubibustic West + With the true "_Light of Asia_"--or, at least, + Such simulacrum of the effulgent East + As shineth from a homemade Chinese lantern. + No HAFIZ he, or SAADI, yet he _can_ turn + Authentic Sanscrit to--Telegraphese, + And make the Muse a moon-faced Japanese. + Leaderesque love of gentle gush and "Caps.," + Is blent in him with fondness for the Japs. + "Wah! wah! futtee!--wah! wah, gooroo!" he cried, + And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride. + +THE MOANING OF THE BARDS. + + No moaning of the _bards_! A pleasant quip! + No manufactured gloom to dim that far light! + Of dirge's luxury deprive my lip? + So suns might say there shall be no more starlight! + + Lamping is _not_ required at day's full noon, + Lanterns _are_ out of place in dawn's fair flush-light; + But when dark night sets in, and there's no moon, + There is a chance for stars, or even a rushlight. + + No moaning of the bards? That were hard lines + For minor line-spinners, imperial TENNYSON! + Owls only have their chance when day declines, + That's why the night-birds crown thee with prompt benison. + + LEWIS has wailed and warbled--twiddlingly: + ALFRED has--rootley-tootlely--wailed and warbled; + WILLIAM's young Muse hath wept--then why not Me, + Whose brow, not less than theirs, with woe is marbled? + + ROBERT and AUSTIN (DOBSON) took their turns; + There is some talk, too, of Sir THEODORE MARTIN. + Seeing _my_ lips, too, thrill, _my_ heart, too, burns, + Why the great contest should I take no part in! + + May be I do not carry guns enough + To epically glorify King ARTHUR, + But I have penned some reams of rhythmic stuff + Concerning (please admire the rhyme!) SIDDÁRTHA. + + (That, as an "assonance," is quite as good + As "_sang_ it," and "_began_ it.") Ornamental + And Eastern Mythos draws me; but I'm good + At "Poems National and Non-Oriental." + + I love the Hindoos, I adore the Japs; + I'm fond of scraps of Oriental lingo; + Yet I'm a patriot, and have hymned, perhaps, + As much as most, my native god, great Jingo! + + I think a Muse with twinkly almond orbs, + Would--as a change--in England prove most fetching; + Is it not plain Jap Art our Art ahsorbs! + Why not in singing, then, as well as sketching? + + I'm sure my "GEISHA" is as good a girl + As _Vivien_, or _Faustine_, or e'en _Dolores_. + Is she more frail, less fair, that perfect pearl + Of Singing Girls, Xipangu's great'st of glories? + + Knocks her nice little flat nose on the floor, + In Japanese politeness, my "Half Jewel." + ALGERNON's nymphs, in song or in _amour_ + Are always coarse and generally cruel. + + "_Pearls of the Faith_," is a most pious work, + Although AL-MUTÂHÂLI is the stringer. + But only he who hates "The Unspeakable Turk," + On _that_ account would blame the Christian singer! + + "Lotus and Jewel!" Doesn't that sound nice? + My mild Jap Muse _may_ be a roguey-poguey; + But there's no stimulus to pleasant vice + About a holy Brahman or chaste Yogi. + + "Land of the Rising Sun," delightful "Third + Kingdom of Merry Dreams," of you I'm amorous. + Must _that_ exclude me from the Wreath? Absurd! + I'm prettily pious, and I'm gently glamorous. + + My Knighthood proves that I am quite O.K., + My dear _D.T._ will answer for my morals; + I'm steeped in Sanscrit lore, and so must say + I can't see why I should not wear the laurels! + + "Quite so," said _Punch_. "I like your rhyme--and cheek; + Still, there be others yet to hear--next week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON. + +_The Governess_. "And now, what is a Parable, Effie?" + +_Effie_ (_who has got rather muddled_). "A Parable? Oh, of course, a +Parable is a Heavenly story with an Earthly meaning!"] + + * * * * * + +APOLOGIA ARRYGATENSIS.--"'ARRY in Arrygate" was so much sought +after everywhere that it was thought _Mr. Punch_ could not possibly +supply the great demand for this article with sufficient celerity +and dispatch. Hence it happened that the _Harrogate Advertiser_ +enthusiastically reproduced the entire article as published in _Mr. +Punch's_ pages, without saying "with your leave, or by your leave," +to the Proprietors representing _Mr. Punch_. So, _Mr. Punch_, always +kindly and courteous, was compelled in this instance to "know the +reason why." Whereupon _The Harrogate Advertiser_ acknowledged that it +did not "harrogate to itself" any sort of right to republish wholesale +without acknowledgment anything that has appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ +pages, and at once handsomely apologised for this instance of +priggishness quite unprecedented in the _Harrogate Advertiser's_ +columns (_Vide Harrogate Advertiser_, October 15). _Box_ and _Cox_ are +satisfied. _Causa flnita est. Vive_ 'ARRY! Likewise 'Arrygate! And, +know, all men, by these presents, that _Mr. P._ is quite wide-awake. + + * * * * * + +ANECDOTAGE.--Said the Old Parliamentary Hand, entering Christ Church, +"I prefer _this_ House to the other!" It was _the_ success of the +visit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COOL HAND. + +_Irrepressible Pupil_. "Poor Stuff, Sir, this Virgil. Don't you think +so?" + +_Suffering Coach_ (_who can scarcely believe his ears_). "Poor Stuff, +Sir! Virgil--poor Stuff! _What do you mean_?" + +_Irrepressible Pupil_ (_unmoved_). "Seems to me, Sir, it's merely a +Literal Translation of some of the best English Cribs!"] + + * * * * * + +LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES! + + ["It is to be sincerely hoped that there is no truth in + the rumour that a paper for children will shortly make its + appearance, entirely written and illustrated by children under + fifteen years of age."--_St. James's Gazette, October 12th._] + + Why, churlish critic, do you hope sincerely + The rumour, which you mention, is untrue? + Mere prejudice makes you regard severely + The cause of liberty which we pursue. + We are, _The Prattler_ will establish clearly, + Quite competent to edit a review; + The age of greatest wisdom will be seen + To be decidedly below fifteen. + + _We_ never showed, as we need hardly mention, + That fabled ignorance about the stars, + From earliest days we spoke about 'declension,' + And argued on the atmosphere of Mars; + While parents we put up with, more attention + We paid towards another kind of "pars."; + Full soon was lit the journalistic flame,-- + We lisped in leaders, for the leaders came. + + That foolish custom, which, at present smothers + Our youthful genius, we shall supersede. + Here are some papers which, with many others, + Will make _The Prattler_ eminent indeed;-- + A series on "The Management of Mothers," + Will meet, we hope, a long-experienced need; + Elsewhere we'll note, in some attractive way, + The latest long-clothes fashion of the day. + + Instruction in the art of window-breaking, + And modes to tame a fiery governess, + Descriptions of perambulator-making-- + No need on details to lay further stress, + You'll own our journalistic undertaking, + Must prove an unequivocal success; + While you, who uttered this untimely sneer, + Will blush, apologise, and disappear! + + * * * * * + +MY FIRST BRIEF. + +[Illustration] + + When you, my first brief, were delivered, + Every fibre in me quivered + With delight. I seemed to see + Myself admitted a Q.C.; + Piles of briefs upon the table, + More work to do than I was able; + Clients scrambling for advice, + Then LORD CHANCELLOR in a trice. + + I seized my virgin pencil blue, + Marked and perused you through and through. + The story brief, instructions short, + Defendant in a County Court, + It needed not an ounce of sense + To see that you had no defence. + But, erudite in English law, + I fashioned bricks without the straw. + + Around my chamber-floor I sped. + Harangued the book-case on each head; + DEMOSTHENES and CICERO + On hearing me had cried a go. + Then I must own that I was nettled-- + Out of Court the case was settled. + All my points were left unmade, + And the fee is left unpaid. + + * * * * * + +POLITE LEARNING. + + [Professor LOMBROSO writes in the _Revue des Revues_ that all + women are liars. Mr. VICTOR HORSLEY writes in the _Times_ that + one of Miss COBBE's statements is a lie.] + + Shameful, shocking, rude Professor! + CRICHTON BROWNE--your predecessor + In attacks, would-be suppressor + Of the higher + Education--once compared them + To the Pantaloon, and scared them, + But he was polite, and spared them + Words like "liar." + + Lie, indeed! There is a middle + Course--say "fib" or "tarradiddle," + "Not quite true," "A sort of riddle + Facts to smother." + We, who love the fair romancer-- + Be she talker, singer, dancer, + What you will, she's sweet--we answer, + "You're another!" + + As for you, rough Mr. HORSLEY, + Arguing so very coarsely, + May I say yours is a worse lie,-- + Rhyming badly? + You, so skilled in vivisection, + Could cut up Miss COBBE's objection, + With your tongue in some subjection, + Not thus madly. + + Why, LOMBROSO would despise you, + Though he is so rude. These "lies" you + Freely write make folks surmise you + An impostor, + Not the lady. You've not "licked" her. + (Slang to suit you) though you're VICTOR. + Since you stoop to contradict her + Like a coster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S SHOOTING-PARTY.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OUT OF SEASON.--MY CARETAKER. + +[Illustration] + + A mysterious thing + For our commonplace day, + Is the lady I sing + In the following lay. + + While I'm shooting the grouse, + Or enjoying the sea, + She takes care of my house + For a nominal fee. + + For ten shillings a-week + Does this wonderful woman + Undertake, so to speak, + An existence inhuman. + + Like their dwellings the rabbits + Deep in darkling retreats, + This weird widow inhabits + Subterranean seats. + + What with humour "contrary," + Or ironic despair, + She denominates "airey"-- + From its absence of air! + + It would give _me_ the blues + Household gods to uphold + With a _Lloyd's Weekly News_ + Of some fifty days old. + + In a Stygian gloom, + Far from sun and ozone, + She sits locked in her room, + Uncompanioned, alone. + + At a knock, at a call + How she shivers and starts! + She's "that nervous"--and "Hall + Of 'er fambly 'as 'earts." + + Not till gloaming obscure + Cools hot London at last, + Hies she forth to procure + Her ideal repast. + + "_A red 'erring, an inion, + Just of dripping a bite_" + --This is not my opinion, + Hers _verbatim_ I cite. + + But I fancy, though loth to + Thus detract from her merits, + (And I've her solemn oath too!) + That she's "partial to sperrits." + + For once suddenly coming + (She supposed me away) + I was struck by her humming + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + + And not humming it only; + Also _dancing_ the same,-- + This bereaved, honest, lonely + Deferential dame! + + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + In my desolate hall; + I, though prone to be gay, + Didn't like it at all. + + "Which," she said, "it was Fits-- + The Sint Biteus"--her fling!-- + Yes! The Caretaker, it's + A mysterious thing. + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +LUNCH (CONTINUED). + +How well I remember a certain day in the by-gone years, when for the +first time a great truth suddenly burst upon me in all its glory. The +morning's sport had been unsuccessful. We were all fairly tired, and +some of us, in spite of the moderate temperature, were perspiring +freely. For we had been walking up late partridges most of the +morning, with just an occasional shot here and there at pheasants in +covert. Now, late partridges are perhaps the least amenable of created +things. They cherish a perfectly ridiculous conviction that nature, +in endowing them with life, intended that they should preserve it, +and consequently they hold it to be their one aim and object to fly, +whirring and cheeping, out of sight, long before even an enthusiastic +shot could have a chance of proving to them how beautifully a bird can +be missed. For some reason or other, our host had refused or had been +unable to drive the birds. One result was that we had tramped and +tramped and tramped, getting only rare shots, and doing but little +execution. Another result was, that the place was simply littered +with lost tempers, and we sat down to lunch very much out of conceit +with ourselves, our guns, our cartridges, the keepers, the dogs, and +everything else. The pleasant array of plates and glasses, and the +savoury odours of the meats mitigated, but did not dispel the frowns. +Then suddenly there dropped down amongst us, as it were from the +sky, the Great Woodcock Saga. In a moment the events of the morning +were forgotten, brows cleared, tempers were picked up, and an eager +hilarity reigned over the company, while the adventures of the +wonderful bird were pursued from tree to tree, from clump to clump, +through all the zig-zags of his marvellous flight, until he finally +vanished triumphantly into the unknown. + +Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this way:--First +of all suppose that a woodcock has shown himself somewhere or other +during the morning. If he was seen it follows, as the day follows +the night, (1), that _everybody_ shot at him at the most fantastic +distances without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the +party; (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that +everybody, though having, according to his own version, been +especially careful himself, has been placed in imminent peril by the +recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw himself flat on +his face to avoid death; and (5), that the woodcock is not really a +bird at all, but a devil. The following is suggested as an example of +Woodcock-dialogue, the scene being laid at lunch:-- + +[Illustration] + +_First Sportsman_ (_pausing in his attack on a plateful of curried +rabbit_). By Jupiter! that was a smartish woodcock. I never saw the +beggar till he all but flew into my face, and then away he went, like +a streak of greased lightning. I let him have both barrels; but I +might as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I fancy I tickled him up +with my left. + +_Second Sportsman_ (_a stout, jovial man, breaking in_). Tickled _him_ +up! By gum, I thought _I_ was going to be tickled up, I tell you. Shot +was flying all round me--bang! bang! all over the place. I loosed +off twice at him, and then went down, to avoid punishment. Haven't a +notion what became of him. + +_Third Sportsman_ (_choking with laughter at the recollection_). I saw +you go down, old cock. First go off, I thought you were hit: but, when +you got that old face of yours up, and began to holler "Wor guns!" +as if you meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn't much +the matter with _you_. Just look at him, you chaps. Do you think an +ordinary charge of shot would go through _that_? Not likely. + +_Fourth Sportsman_ (_military man_). Gad, it was awful! I'd rather be +bucketed about by EVELYN WOOD for a week than face another woodcock. I +heard 'em shoutin', "Woodcock forward! Woodcock back! Woodcock to the +right! Woodcock to the left! Mark--mark!" Gad! thinks I to myself, the +bally place must be full of 'em. Just then out he came, as sly as be +blowed. My old bundook went off of its own accord. I bagged the best +part of an oak tree, and, after that, I scooted. Things were gettin' +just a shade too warm, by gad! A reg'lar hail-storm, that's what it +was. No, thank you, thinks I; not for this party--I'm off to cover. So +that's all _I_ know about it. Thanks, TOMMY--do you mind handin' round +that beer-jug? + +_First Sportsman_ (_rallying him_). Just think of that. And we're all +of us taxed to keep a chap like that in comfort. Why you're _paid_ +to be shot at--that's what you're _there_ for, you and your thin red +line, and all that. By Jupiter! we don't get our money's worth out +of you if you're going to cut and run before a poor, weak, harmless +woodcock. + + [_Military Sportsman is heavily chaffed._ + +_Military Sportsman_. Oh, it's all very well for you Johnnies to gas +like that--but, by Gad, you didn't seem over-anxious to stand fire +yourselves. Why your teeth are chattering still, BINKS. + +_Binks_. Ah, but I'm only a poor civilian. + +_Military Sportsman_. Well, I cut and ran as a civilian. See? Did +anyone shoot the bloomin' bird, after all? + +_The Host_. _Shoot_ him? I should think not. The last I saw of him he +was sailing off quite comfortable, cocking snooks at the whole lot. +Have another go of pie, JOHNNY? + +So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of which +every sportsman is bound to recognise. And the great truth that +burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore good temper to a +shattered party, you must start talking about woodcocks. If you saw +a woodcock in the morning, talk about that one. If not, begin about +the woodcock you saw last week, or the woodcock somebody else missed +the week before. But whatever you do, always keep a woodcock for +a (metaphorically) rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you +shoot, and watch the effect. + + * * * * * + +"GRIEVANCES OF CIVIL SERVANTS."--Sir, seeing this heading in the +_Times_ to a letter which I didn't stop to read, I can only say, for +my part, that us servants as is really civil ought not never to have +any "grievancies." Tips is the reward to "_civil_ servants."--Yours, +THE BUTLER. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, OCTOBER 29, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15605-8.txt or 15605-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 29, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: April 12, 2005 [eBook #15605]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 29, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 29, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" + id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + + <h2>IMPRESSIONS OF "IL TROVATORE."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Matter-of-Fact Philistine at Covent + Garden.</i>)</h4> + + <p>ACT I. SCENE 2.—<i>Leonora's</i> confidant evidently + alive to the responsibilities of her position. Watch her, for + example, when her Mistress is about to confide to her ear the + dawn of her passion for <i>Manrico</i>. She walks + <i>Leonora</i> gently down to the footlights, launches her into + her solo, like a boat, and stands aside on the left, a little + behind, with an air of apprehension, lest she should come to + grief over the next high note, and a hand in readiness to + support her elbow in case she should suddenly collapse. Then, + feeling partially reassured, she goes round to inspect her from + the right, where she remains until her superior has completed + her confidences, and it is time to lead her away. Operatic + confidant sympathetic—but a more modern heroine might + find one "get on her nerves," perhaps. <i>Manrico</i> a very + robust type of Troubadour—but oughtn't a Troubadour to + carry about a guitar, or a lute, or something? If + <i>Manrico</i> has one, he invariably leaves it outside. + Probably doesn't see why, with so many competent musicians in + the orchestra, he should take the trouble of playing his own + accompaniments. And why does the Curtain invariably come down + as soon as swords are drawn? Tantalising to have all the duels + and fighting done during the <i>entr'actes.</i></p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/193-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-1.png" + alt="Manrico, a rather full-blown 'Ghost in Hamlet.'" /> + </a>Manrico, a rather full-blown "Ghost in Hamlet." + </div> + + <p>ACT II. SCENE 1.—<i>Azucena</i> insists on telling + <i>Manrico</i> a long and rather improbable story of how, in a + fit of absorption, she once burnt her own son in mistake for + the <i>Conte di Luna's, Manrico</i> listens, as a matter of + filial duty—because, after all, she is his + mother—but he is clearly of opinion that these painful + family reminiscences are far better forgotten. Perhaps he + suspects that her anguish may be due to a severe fit of + indigestion—the symptoms of which are almost + indistinguishable from those of operatic remorse. At all + events, he does not find his parent a cheerful companion, and, + as soon as he finds a decent excuse for escape, takes it.</p> + + <p>SCENE 2.—The Cloisters of a Convent. <i>Enter</i> the + <i>Conte di Luna</i>, with followers, to abduct <i>Leonora</i>. + The followers range themselves against a wall in the + background, until the Count has finished "<i>Il Balen</i>." If + their opinion was asked, they would probably be in favour of + his making rather less noise about it, if he really means + business—but of course it is not <i>their</i> place to + interfere. <i>Leonora</i> enters to take the veil, with + procession of nuns, preceded by four female acolytes—or + are they pages?—in white tights, carrying tapers. The + Count and his followers are evidently a little taken + aback—an abduction not quite so simple an affair as they + expected. While they are working themselves up to it, + <i>Manrico</i> appears, as the stage-direction says, "like a + phantom." In a helmet, with a horsehair tail, and a large white + cloak, he does look extremely like the <i>Ghost</i> in + <i>Hamlet</i>, and which is, perhaps, why the Count, under the + impression that he is an apparition from some other Opera, + allows him to Walk off with <i>Leonora</i> under his very nose. + Swords are drawn—with the usual result of bringing down + the Curtain.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/193-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-2.png" + alt="'Azucena,' or, 'My pretty Chain!'" /> + </a>"Azucena," or, "My pretty Chain!" + </div> + + <p>ACT III. SCENE 1.—Soldiers discovered carousing, as + wildly as is possible on four gilded cruets, and a dozen + goblets. <i>Azucena</i> is brought before the Count, and + manacled. Operatic handcuffs—a most humane + contrivance—with long links, to permit of the freest + facilities for entreaty and imprecation. Soldiers, who have + been called to arms, but stayed, from a natural curiosity to + hear what the <i>Conte di Luna</i> had to say to the Gipsy, go + off, as she is led away to prison, with a sense that they have + seen all there <i>is</i> to be seen, and a vague recollection + that there is some fighting to be done somewhere.</p> + + <p>SCENE 2.—<i>Leonora</i>, and <i>Manrico</i> are about + to be married; everything prepared—four apathetic + bridesmaids, and the four acolytes in tights—who have + possibly been kindly lent by the Convent for the + occasion—in a vacuous row at the back of the scene. Fancy + <i>Manrico</i> has forgotten to give them the usual initial + brooches, and they feel the wedding is a poky affair, and take + no interest in it. <i>Leonora</i> herself is in low + spirits—seems to miss the confidant, and to be oppressed + with a misgiving that the wedding is not destined to come off. + Misgivings on the stage are never thrown away—the wedding + <i>is</i> interrupted immediately by a crowd of men, in small + sugar-loaf caps, who carry the bridegroom off to + fight—whereupon, of course, the Curtain falls.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/193-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193-3.png" + alt="Luna and the Star of the Evening." /></a>Luna and + the Star of the Evening. + </div> + + <p>ACT IV. SCENE 1.—<i>Leonora</i> listening outside the + tower in which <i>Manrico</i> is being tortured, after having + been taken prisoner in a combat during the <i>entr'acte</i>. + Here a confidant might have comforted her considerably by + representing that they couldn't be torturing the poor + Troubadour so <i>very</i> seriously so long as he is able to + take part in a duet—but unfortunately <i>Leonora</i> + seems to have discharged the confidant after the Second + Act—an error of judgment on her part, for she is + certainly incapable of taking care of herself. A cool-headed, + sensible confidant, for instance, would have taken care that + the bargain with the <i>Conte di Luna</i> was conceived and + carried out in a more business-like spirit.</p> + + <p>"Now <i>do</i> be careful," she would have said. "Make sure + that the Count keeps <i>his</i> word before you break + <i>yours</i>. Don't go and see <i>Manrico</i> yourself—it + <i>can</i> do no good, and will only harrow you! If you really + <i>must</i> go, don't take a quick poison first—or you'll + die in his dungeon, and spoil the whole thing!" Which is just + what <i>Leonora</i>—like the impulsive operatic heroine + she is—proceeds to do, and is cruelly misunderstood by + <i>Manrico</i>, in consequence, besides hastening his doom by + disappointing the Count, whose irritation was only natural, and + pardonable, under the circumstances.</p> + + <p>Don't quite see myself why the Count should be so horrified + on learning that the person he has just had executed was his + long-lost brother. It is not as if they had ever been friendly, + or were at all likely to become so, considering their previous + relations. Depend upon it, when he has time to think the matter + over calmly, he will recognise that things are better as they + are, and that Fate has solved his domestic difficulties in the + only possible manner. A Troubadour Brother, with a revengeful + and quite unpresentable gipsy foster-mother, would have proved + very trying persons to live with.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A CHIEL'S AMANG YE MAKING NOTES."—Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN + sat next to Sir HENRY HAWKINS during part of the recent + sensational trial at the Ancient Bailey, making, of course not + taking, notes. Sir HENRY occasionally conversed with the Knight + of Music. Did the latter hum, <i>sotto voce</i>, "<i>And a good + Judge too!</i>" with other selections from <i>Trial by + Jury</i>? Everyone glad Sir ARTHUR is so well. Perhaps after + this he will return to Real Eccentric Gilbertian Opera, and go + away for "change of air." The "Carte" is at the door, ready to + take him, but his original "Gee Gee" has gone to America.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" + id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!"</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"This Garter, brighter from the knee</p> + + <p>Of him who uttered + nothing—important."]</p> + </div> + </div><a href="images/194.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/194.png" + alt="'HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!'" /></a> + </div> + + <center> + <i>"Mister" Rosebery, loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Star and Garter! Here's a go!</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, well, no doubt 'twas to be worn + meant;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, as mere personal adornment,</p> + + <p>It does look smartish, dontcher know!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All personal adornment's vain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Held Dr. WATTS, holds dear McDOUGALL;</p> + + <p class="i2">For dowdy dress and habits frugal</p> + + <p>Befit the Democratic strain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And I'm a Democrat—of course!</p> + + <p class="i2">The BENJAMIN FRANKLIN of the Peerage!</p> + + <p class="i2">And yet—ah! truly 'tis a queer + age—</p> + + <p>Decoration has <i>some</i> force!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wonder what the L.C.C.</p> + + <p class="i2">Will say to this! That I should spurn + it?</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHN BURNS may swear I ought to burn + it.</p> + + <p>Still—it looks natty round my knee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I need not wear it when I sit</p> + + <p class="i2">Among the broadcloth'd heirs of + BUMBLE!</p> + + <p class="i2">But Foreign Minister too humble</p> + + <p>Were butt of diplomatic wit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Battersea's pride my pride may scourge.</p> + + <p class="i2">Well—he may find he's caught a + Tartar.</p> + + <p class="i2">A robe—a coronet—a + garter!—</p> + + <p>Materials for a new "PRIDE'S PURGE"!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The keen-eyed Democratic lynx</p> + + <p class="i2">May watch me with alert suspicion,</p> + + <p class="i2">As but a half-disguised patrician,</p> + + <p>But—shame to him who evil thinks!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">[<i>Left posturing complacently.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" + id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195.png" + alt="SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT." /></a> + + <h3>SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT.</h3> + + <p><i>Sportsman</i> (<i>with gun</i>). "HILLO, ALGIE, BEEN + CUB-HUNTING? HOW DOES THE YOUNG 'UN GO?"</p> + + <p><i>Algie</i>. "SPLENDIDLY, OLD FELLOW, SPLENDIDLY! NEVER + CARRIED SO WELL IN MY LIFE! GOT CLEAN AWAY WITH ME AS SOON + AS THEY FOUND,—COULDN'T HOLD HIM A BIT—BOLD AS + A LION, NOTHING STOPS HIM,—WENT SLICK THROUGH A + FLIGHT O' FAIR-HOLED POSTS AND RAILS, SMASHED A GATE INTO + MATCHWOOD,—TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGHT AS THE CROW FLIES + THROUGH AND OVER EVERYTHING,—AND, HANG ME, IF HE + WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GOING YET, IF HE HADN'T PUT HIS FOOT + INTO A RABBIT-HOLE CROSSING CRUMPLER COMMON, AND COME A + REGULAR CROWNER. DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DEUCE THE HOUNDS WENT + TO! HAD A GLORIOUS GALLOP, THOUGH, ALL TO MYSELF!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE COUNTY-COUNCILLOR'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A few Years hence.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—To-day's meeting of the Council rather + stormy. The Council's Clerk of the Works, who superintends the + fifty thousand builders, bricklayers, &c., who are now + employed directly by us, reports that, unless the concessions + demanded by the men are granted, they will all go out on strike + to-morrow. The concessions are—Free beer three times + a-day; half-holiday every other day at full day's wages; and a + month's trip to the Riviera in winter, paid for out of the + rates. Clerk of the Works (appointed, on elective principle, by + the men themselves) describes these demands as "highly moderate + and reasonable." Council unable to agree with him. After + sitting for six hours, amid frightful uproar, Council breaks + up, without coming to any decision.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Workmen <i>have</i> struck! Awkward, + as they have just pulled down north side of Strand, to make + room for double lines of electric tramways in centre of + roadway, and whole street in an awful litter. Begin to wish we + had not "Abolished the Contractor" quite so hastily.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Another meeting of Council. Quite + unanimous to go on resisting men's demands. Clerk of Works + reports that the Council's scavengers, plumbers, carters, + lamp-lighters, and turncocks, are all threatening to strike, in + sympathy with bricklayers. In consequence of evident enjoyment + with which Clerk makes this announcement, proposal to decrease + his salary from that of a Lord Chancellor to that of a Puisne + Judge, carried <i>nem. con</i>. In spite of attacks on Council + in the Press, satisfactory that it knows how to keep up its + dignity at this crisis.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Matters getting serious. A deep fall + of snow has occurred, and Council's men refuse to clear it + away, or let others do the work! In addition, Strand tradesmen + come in body to Spring Gardens to say that "nobody can get near + their shops, and they are being rapidly ruined." + Hastily-convened meeting of the Council. Proposal to ask our + old Contractor to rebuild Strand and clear snow away. Our old + Contractor declines to tender for the job! He says, "Council + has abolished the Middleman, and had better get on without him, + if it can!" Rude, but forcible.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Council heroically decides to do the + work itself. Am told off by Chairman to help remove old bricks + on the Strand site. Have first to dig snow away to get at + bricks. Intense amusement of hostile crowd, from whom we are + protected by a cordon of police. Bark my shins badly against + wheel of cart. Chairman—who has been extremely energetic + in running up and down a ladder with a hod of mortar over his + shoulder, which he thinks is bricklaying—falls from + ladder and is taken off to Charing Cross Hospital; amid shower + of brickbats. Crowd wants to know "which is McDOUGALL." When + they find out, pelt him with snowballs. BURNS—who has + stuck loyally to Council—fiercely denounced as a + "blackleg" by crowd. Amusing at any other time. Home in evening + dead tired, under police escort. Find all my front windows + smashed! After all—<i>was</i> it wise to abolish the + Contractor?</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Whole County Council, protected by + several regiments from Aldershot, a park of Artillery, and all + the City Police (Council's own Police being out on strike, in + sympathy with bricklayers), manage with great difficulty to + fill ten carts with rubbish, and then adjourn to Spring + Gardens. Refreshments and free sticking-plaster handed round + before Meeting takes place. Meeting unanimously decides to + re-establish old Middleman system! Sir JOHN LUBBOCK humorously + suggests that it is, at any rate, better than the "muddle-man" + system which we have tried and found wanting. Bonus of £5,000 + out of rates, enthusiastically voted to any Contractor who will + tender for job of clearing snow and widening Strand.</p> + + <p><i>Later</i>.—High Court disallows our "precept" for + the £5,000 bonus—says we must pay it out of our own + pockets!</p> + + <p>Wish I had never stood for London County Council!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" + id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <h2>ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. No. 2.</h2> + + <p>Another of our speshal lot is good old SAM, with his + wunderfool memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he + acshally swears as he remembers the time when there wasn't not + no Cabs, nor no Homnybusses nor no Hallways, nor no Steam + Botes, nor no Perlice, in all Lundon! And when there was grate + droves of Cattel and Sheep druv thro' the streets, and people + used to have to put up bars at their doors to keep 'em out. And + menny and menny a time has he seen a reel live Bullock march + into his Master's Counting 'Ouse, with his two wild horns a + sticking out, and as it was to narrer for him to turn hisself + round, he used to have to be backed out tale foremost, with a + fierce dog a barking at his nose.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How + the peepel got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he + says, as how as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops + and warehouses, and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a + few ramshackel old coaches, called Ackney Coaches—coz, + they was all maid at Ackney, I suppose—all drorn by two + ramshackel old Osses, and with werry shabby old drivers with + wisps of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some brite + Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they soon cut out the Ackney + Coaches, which all went back to Ackney, and was never seen no + more. And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented + Homnybusses, and they rayther estonished the Cabs, and what the + next brite Genus will inwent in that line, I don't know, and + SAM don't know, and I don't suppose as nobody else don't. But + the most wunderfullest thing of all must have bin the having of + no Perlice! For SAM, acshally declares, that before Perlice was + inwented by Sir ROBERT PEEL—therefore wulgarly called + Bobbys and Peelers—the only pertecters as London had at + night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened CHARLEY, who + used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers has at the + QUEEN's Pallaces, with a little lantern hanging up in front, + and when the Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used + to git out of their boxes and wark up and down the streets a + calling out, "Parst Three o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as + it mite happen to be, and then go back to their little boxes, + and hang up their lanterns, and quietly go to sleep! Ah, them + must have been werry nice times for Messrs. DICK TUPPIN, JACK + SHEPHARD, BILL SIKES, and Cumpny, unlimited. But, SAM says, as + they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost + anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, + and that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and + offen stood at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or + six pore retches, with white nite caps on, all a hanging + together! and he says it all so serously that we are forced to + bleeve him.</p> + + <p>Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all + likes to work with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he's + rayther a comical feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to + know all the true fax of the case, they'll willingly pay dubble + price for tea-total Waiters. And he reelly is such a poor + simple fellow that I werrily bleeves as he bleeves hisself when + he says it. I carn't think what he means by it; but BROWN says + as it's a perfeckly shameful attack on the charackter of all us + Waiters as ain't such fools as to be Tea-totallers, and that we + really ort all of us to cut him. But no—I'm in favour of + Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud think that, in + this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own punishment. + For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to lead, + than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most + bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most + fastidgeous Waiter's taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one + glass of 'em! I thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit + hindiwidial, in holden times, as used to be seated down hevrey + day to a werry scrumpshus dinner, but, whatever he fixt his + mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him to taste it, not by no + means. His name, I think, was SANKY PANSER, some relashun of + MOODY and SANKY, I sposes. His master's name was DAN QUICKSHOT, + ony another name, I bleeves, for BUFFALO BILL. But that was + nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other + day. It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, + by the name of TANTLUS, who, becoz he was found out in helping + hisself to sum werry speshal brand of Neckter, was condemned to + stand up to his neck in water for ewer so many years; and altho + he was so dredfool thusty that he would have drunk a lot of + ewen that cold, thin stuff, he wasn't allowed not to taste a + drop; and, not only that, but there was a lot of most bewtifool + frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and whenever he tried + jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it away out + of his reach. Hence the prowerb, "You be blowed!"</p> + + <p>In course I don't pertend to know how these things was + manidged in former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a + Greshian Gent's constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for + ewer so menny years!</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>CARON AND CHARON.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>After dipping into Major Le Caron's + "Recollections."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MAJOR LE CARON! Major! True, a greater</p> + + <p class="i2">Or more accomplished spy who ever + knew?</p> + + <p>And so original! In fact, the <i>pater</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Of all deception yields the palm to + You!</p> + + <p>Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met</p> + + <p class="i2">Wile with wile wilier! And then, + forsooth,</p> + + <p>You so transformed yourself to suit each set,</p> + + <p class="i2">That it is praise to say, "you lied like + truth!"</p> + + <p>And in an honest cause! Renown'd Ulysses,</p> + + <p class="i2">That craftiest hero yields to you in + guile.</p> + + <p>You touch the gold! You're not the man who + misses</p> + + <p class="i2">A chance! You caught the wariest with + your smile!</p> + + <p>"CARON!" The "h" is dropped, or we could fix</p> + + <p class="i2">(And so we can if Greek the name we + make)</p> + + <p>You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx,</p> + + <p class="i2">Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian + lake.</p> + + <p>The simile is nearly perfect, note,</p> + + <p>For you, with your Conspirators afloat,</p> + + <p>Were, as you've shown us, all in the same boat.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT IT AGAIN!</h2> + + <p>The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to + <i>Mr. Punch</i> for publication:—</p> + + <center> + I.—<i>Koniglich-Kaiserlicher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor + Hermann Dummwitz von Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King + William the Second.</i> + </center> + + <p>MOST GRACIOUS IMPERIAL MAJESTY,</p> + + <p>I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my + spouse, the beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, ANNA + ANSELMA, whom, by your Majesty's + ever-to-be-with-gratitude-remembered permission, I last year to + the altar led, is now of good hope, and will shortly, if all + should go well, add one to your Majesty's loyal and submissive + subjects. I make this announcement in accordance with your + Majesty's Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6.</p> + + <p class="author">And I remain, &c. &c. &c.,<br /> + DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH.</p> + + <center> + II.—<i>William the Second to K.K.O.H.R.D.H.D. von + Hammelfleisch.</i> + </center> + + <p>HERR DOCTOR,</p> + + <p>I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7 of + my Hochzeit's Decree, I graciously give permission for the + birth of the child referred to in your communication. I beg, at + the same time, to point out that, by my Supplementary Decree + (Proportions of Sexes), issued last week, it is necessary that + the child should be a boy. Communicate this at once to the Frau + K.E. Ober-Hof-Rathin Doctorin A.A. VON HAMMELFLEISCH.</p> + + <p class="author">(Signed) WILLIAM I. ET R.</p> + + <center> + III.—<i>K.K.O.H.R.D. von Hammelfleisch to the + Emperor-King, William the Second.</i> + </center> + + <p>MOST IMPERIAL MAJESTY,</p> + + <p>Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my wife + communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your + Imperial Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. VON H.</p> + + <center> + IV.—<i>Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger."</i> + </center> + + <p>"Frau ANNA ANSELMA VON HAMMELFLEISCH, having last week given + birth to a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's + Supplementary Decree (No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our + painful duty to announce that the Herr Doctor DUMMWITZ VON + HAMMELFLEISCH has been dismissed from his post as K.K. + Ober-Hof-Rath, and will immediately be prosecuted for the crime + of <i>lèse Majesté</i>."</p> + + <center> + V.—<i>Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month + later</i> + </center> + + <p>"The prisoner, HAMMELFLEISCH, was yesterday condemned to + twenty years' solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. + The wretched man acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and + begged others to take warning by his fate."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" + id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Most delightful weather favoured us + last week at Gatwick and Sandown, and most of the horses I + mentioned as worth following either finished nowhere or were + not there at all, which I think is a fair average record for a + Turf prophet! I heard at Sandown that sweeping reforms are to + be expected in Turf matters next Season, but I will not harp + too much on this string, as more able pens than mine have + undertaken it—though how a "pen" can harp on a string I + don't quite see—or <i>hear</i>, it should be.</p> + + <p>I certainly think <i>Brandy</i> would have won the Gatwick + Handicap, but I suppose the bottle is getting low, and is being + reserved in case the Cambridgeshire is run on a cold day! And + that brings me to the consideration of this great race. I do + not propose to analyse the form of all the horses, but will + devote my attention to a few of the likely ones—who + should feel complimented thereat (I suppose a horse; can feel a + compliment just as well as it can a whip)—from which + might spring the winner. First and foremost, then, <i>La + Flèche</i> has, in my opinion, enough weight to carry, even if + the jockey is included, as I believe is the case—and I + was told by Sir CHARLEY WHITELEY, that to win the Newmarket + Oaks she had to be "bustled up"—a fashion which I thought + had quite gone out!—anyhow, many people think she is "not + the same mare she was"—though how they can have changed + her I don't quite understand, but it would not surprise me to + find <i>Windgall</i> the best of the Baron's on the day.</p> + + <p>There are several horses spoken of as "rods in pickle," but + as a rule, these animals stop at "rods" and never get to + "poles" much less "perches!" Should Sir JAS. MILLER win the + race, the town may resound with many a merry <i>Jödel</i>, but + this is trying weather for voices, though I believe he is + running untried, but certainly trying! There was some doubt as + to the starting of a great favourite, owing to a report that + the owner had been "forestalled"—an excuse which always + sounds very weak to me, as surely if outsiders can back a horse + at a long price, the owner should also be able to do so, and + thus put backers "in the cart"—where <i>some</i> of them + would present a picture which might lead people to think the + "cart" was on its way to Tyburn! There appears to be + considerable doubt as to whether <i>Buccaneer</i> has eaten + anything lately or not, so I must discard him; but I think if + he were given a sherry and bitters at once he might recover his + appetite and win, as he is known to be a "glutton" for work! + JEWITT's best will take some beating, when we know which it is, + which we shall do shortly, as no stable is more ready than this + to let everyone into the secret of their "good things;", so if + some <i>Whisperer</i>, should tell you that his + <i>Suspender</i> is broken, it is on the cards that the + <i>Pensioner</i> may still be able to walk home in safety! But + enough of this (as your readers will doubtless say!)—and + let us come to the point as the knife said to the + pencil—so I will conclude by recommending a "maximum" on + my choice, and as it is a foreign one, I must necessarily break + out into foreign poetry—(just as easy to—),</p> + + <center> + Yours devotedly, + </center> + + <p class="author">LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Cambridgeshire Selection.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Le type le plus "noir" dans le monde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Le nomme, on dit, Le Chouan!</p> + + <p>Mais, roulé au dessous de l'onde,</p> + + <p class="i2">Devient "Blanc" comme + <i>Kairouan</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO ASTRÆA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Who would have me show her my hand.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Too pretty Palmist, oh, refrain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor thus my Destinies importune</p> + + <p>To bare the map of trite and plain</p> + + <p class="i10">Misfortune.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Methinks, that I, sweet sorceress,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose weird persuasions fascinate us,</p> + + <p>Can read my stars without express</p> + + <p class="i10">Afflatus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>I'm o'er ambitious</i>"—more than + true;</p> + + <p class="i2">To fail, the lot of clever men 'tis.</p> + + <p>Who's <i>not</i> a genius in his two-</p> + + <p class="i10">And-twenties.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>Your</i> two-and-twenties bide above,</p> + + <p class="i2">While mine—I'm in the sere and + yellow—</p> + + <p>But I was once the model of</p> + + <p class="i10">A fellow.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>My line of head is vague; now quite</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Down in the depths, now past the + skyline"—</i></p> + + <p>Hard lines! The line that sways a kite</p> + + <p class="i10">Is my line.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>My line of heart is insecure</i>—"</p> + + <p class="i2">Let "<i>x</i>" be hearts; to render + scarce "<i>x</i>,"</p> + + <p>Let "I"-s divide it; <i>eyes</i> are your</p> + + <p class="i10">Unfair sex.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>My love will ne'er endure</i>:" you wrong</p> + + <p class="i2">My passion: sooth, it will, if you're + it:</p> + + <p>Yet stay: to wed?—I couldn't long</p> + + <p class="i10">Endure it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>My line of life is slurred and queer</i>."</p> + + <p class="i2">It always was—a hankey-pankey</p> + + <p>Of glories missed—a fine career,</p> + + <p class="i10">But <i>manqué</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So there, forbear to spell my fate;</p> + + <p class="i2">I've saved you that sibylline + trouble;</p> + + <p>You could but this true estimate</p> + + <p class="i10">Redouble.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still, if you clasp my hand, and plead,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, pouting, claim your second-sight, + it</p> + + <p>May chance that though you may not read,</p> + + <p class="i10">You'll <i>write</i> it.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WAS, IS, AND WILL BE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Three Periods of Biography.</i>)</h4> + + <p>PAST (<i>Historical</i>).—General SIMEON SNOOKES was + one of the greatest Commanders that ever figured in an European + war. His defence of Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long + remembered by those of his grateful countrymen who feared that + the Corsican upstart would get the upper hand in the + semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian Peninsula. A + service nearly as important was performed when SNOOKES (then a + Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave PEGGE WELL BEY (the + Turkish conqueror) into the grasping hands of the British + Government. Yet still another victory was scored when Captain + SNOOKES forced the gates of Ram and Mar, and brought the proud + Earls of the Five Free Ports to their knees and their senses. + That he should have received the freedom of the City of London + was as it should have been, and it must have been gratifying to + his sorrowing friends and relatives that Royalty itself should + have been represented at his obsequies. His fame as a + victorious General will never fade, and although his private + life may have been uninteresting, his connection with the noble + family of DE SCROGGYNS will for ever gain for him the respect + of his fellow-countrymen.</p> + + <p>PRESENT (<i>Anecdotal</i>).—General + SNOOKES—better known in the last century as "SIMPLE + SIMON"—was a most interesting personage. Of his military + career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely + commonplace, and void of incident. He was a <i>petit + maître</i>—and numerous tales are told of his gallantry. + On one occasion, meeting Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green + at Turnham, he called attention to the fairness of the sunset. + "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said the old <i>beau</i>, + taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied the + malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but + never forgave the liberty. At another time the General was + speaking to the late Duke of York, when that illustrious + personage commanded the British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed + H.R.H., "if the French invade us, you must look after Number + One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt answer, "Number One + Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote a little + later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the + best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean + SWIFT. "I propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said + the simple one. "Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic + ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have a case of a <i>Gulliver</i> + come to judgment!" Many other good stories are told of this + General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than in + the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in + Westminster Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage + of the best-known people of the day, and amongst them the + Editor of the <i>National Defender. "Sic transit gloria</i>," + said some-one. "<i>Mundi</i>!" added the journalist.</p> + + <p>FUTURE (<i>Conjectural</i>).—SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one + knows who this person was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that + he may have had some official connection (possibly as a + Government contractor) with one of the ancient wars. As his + monument is defaced, and there are no records of his family, it + is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" + id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/198.png"><img width="75%" + src="images/198.png" + alt="STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE." /></a> + + <h3>STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE.</h3>A DUET FOR + TENOR AND BASS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"SQUARED!"</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">A Song of a Settlement.</h3> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>The Death of Nelson</i>." + </center> + + <h4 class="sc">Recitative.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Near NELSON's monument, with gloom opprest,</p> + + <p>The rowdy mourns a Question, now at rest.</p> + + <p>But ASQUITH's laurels shall not fade with years,</p> + + <p>Whose canny settlement the public cheers.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Air.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas in Trafalgar's Square,</p> + + <p>We heard the spouters blare,</p> + + <p class="i2">Each rough rejoicing then.</p> + + <p>They scorned churl WARREN's yoke,</p> + + <p>Of order made a joke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And claimed the Rights of Men.</p> + + <p>But ASQUITH came, the cool and brave,</p> + + <p>And poured oil on the troubled wave.</p> + + <p class="i2">His speech was just a beauty!</p> + + <p>Along each line this meaning ran:—</p> + + <p>"England respects true Rights of Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">But means enforcing Duty."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more rude mobs may roar,</p> + + <p>A nuisance and a bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where'er BURNS lead the way.</p> + + <p>As victory is this claimed</p> + + <p>By spouts, by cool sense tamed?</p> + + <p class="i2">All right! Let them hooray!</p> + + <p>But dearly is their conquest bought,</p> + + <p>'Twas scarce for this mad GRAHAM fought</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis <i>fair</i>, though—there's + its beauty.</p> + + <p>All just claims met by this shrewd plan,</p> + + <p>The speechifying Rights of Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Plus the Policeman's duty.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ASQUITH's clear, certain sound,</p> + + <p>Will spread dismay around;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Some</i> circles. "We believed!</p> + + <p>ASQUITH was on <i>our</i> side,"</p> + + <p>The roughs will say. "He's tried,</p> + + <p class="i2">And we—well, we're deceived.</p> + + <p>If we're <i>permitted</i> in this Square</p> + + <p>To muster there, why should we care?</p> + + <p class="i2">The game has lost its beauty!</p> + + <p>Licence unfettered is <i>our</i> plan.</p> + + <p>Who cares a cuss for Rights of Man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Checked by that bugbear Duty?"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRESENTED AT COURT.</h2> + + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p> + + <p>I am indignant—disgusted! I went last night to see a + new piece, called <i>The Guardsman</i>, at the Court Theatre, + the plot of which, reminded me—'tis merely a + coincidence—of <i>Incognita</i>, now going strong in St. + Martin's Lane. The coincident being that a certain young man + won't marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to + marry, because he is in love with quite another young lady (as + he thinks) who (the <i>incognita</i>) turns out to be the very + lady whom he is required to wed. However, that's not what I'm + writing about. I leave criticism to your "professional gent." + Well, Sir, it was very amusing, and very well acted. But from a + military point of view, shameful, Sir!—shameful! The + people about me were laughing, and said that the lines were + good; that, take it all round, it ought to be a success; that + it was most amusing. But how could I appreciate anything when I + found a Captain in the Guards, on the Queen's Birthday, walking + about in plain leather boots! It was as bad, in my mind, as + when Mr. CHARLES WARNER, in the piece called <i>In the + Ranks</i>, appeared as a private in the same distinguished + Regiment in patent leathers! And what was the Captain doing, + Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle's chambers, when he was + supposed to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I understood + him to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort + of place to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he + should not have left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, + as orderly officer? But perhaps he was not on duty, and had + dropped in upon the mess (in the height of the Season!) in a + friendly sort of way. Well, that might explain matters a bit, + but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife tells me that it + is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress the day + before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never + been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham + Palace. And if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, + and can vouch for the strict accuracy of the statement. But + these are minor matters. What I <i>cannot</i> stand are <i>The + Guardsman's</i> boots!</p> + + <center> + Yours more in anger than in sorrow, + </center> + + <p class="author">AN OLD SOLDIER.</p> + + <p><i>Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough</i>,<br /> + <i>Tomatkinshire</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Rhymes for the Times.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If I were a missionary</p> + + <p class="i2">On the plains of Uganda,</p> + + <p>I'd leave that position airy</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere, at dawn, anew 'gan day.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION + PAPER.—"<i>Here's Pip—Ask Pip. Pip's our mutual + friend</i>." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this occur?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" + id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/199.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/199.png" + alt="'SQUARED!'" /></a> + + <h3>"SQUARED!"</h3> + + <p>FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR + SQUARE ON SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE + WE!!"</p> + + <p>SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <h2>THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS;</h2> + + <h4><i>Or, The Lists for the Laurels.</i></h4> + + <h3 class="sc">Fytte the Second.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Wire in, my warblers!" PUNCHIUS cried. "To + 'wire,'</p> + + <p>Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the Lyre."</p> + + <p>Then forth there toddled with the mincing gait</p> + + <p>Of some fair "Tottering Lily," him, the great</p> + + <p>New Bard of Buddha! Grave, and grey of crest.</p> + + <p>'Tis he illumes the nubibustic West</p> + + <p>With the true "<i>Light of Asia</i>"—or, at + least,</p> + + <p>Such simulacrum of the effulgent East</p> + + <p>As shineth from a homemade Chinese lantern.</p> + + <p>No HAFIZ he, or SAADI, yet he <i>can</i> turn</p> + + <p>Authentic Sanscrit to—Telegraphese,</p> + + <p>And make the Muse a moon-faced Japanese.</p> + + <p>Leaderesque love of gentle gush and "Caps.,"</p> + + <p>Is blent in him with fondness for the Japs.</p> + + <p>"Wah! wah! futtee!—wah! wah, gooroo!" he + cried,</p> + + <p>And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h3>THE MOANING OF THE BARDS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No moaning of the <i>bards</i>! A pleasant quip!</p> + + <p class="i2">No manufactured gloom to dim that far + light!</p> + + <p>Of dirge's luxury deprive my lip?</p> + + <p class="i2">So suns might say there shall be no more + starlight!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lamping is <i>not</i> required at day's full + noon,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lanterns <i>are</i> out of place in + dawn's fair flush-light;</p> + + <p>But when dark night sets in, and there's no + moon,</p> + + <p class="i2">There is a chance for stars, or even a + rushlight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No moaning of the bards? That were hard lines</p> + + <p class="i2">For minor line-spinners, imperial + TENNYSON!</p> + + <p>Owls only have their chance when day declines,</p> + + <p class="i2">That's why the night-birds crown thee + with prompt benison.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>LEWIS has wailed and warbled—twiddlingly:</p> + + <p class="i2">ALFRED + has—rootley-tootlely—wailed and + warbled;</p> + + <p>WILLIAM's young Muse hath wept—then why not + Me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose brow, not less than theirs, with + woe is marbled?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ROBERT and AUSTIN (DOBSON) took their turns;</p> + + <p class="i2">There is some talk, too, of Sir THEODORE + MARTIN.</p> + + <p>Seeing <i>my</i> lips, too, thrill, <i>my</i> heart, + too, burns,</p> + + <p class="i2">Why the great contest should I take no + part in!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>May be I do not carry guns enough</p> + + <p class="i2">To epically glorify King ARTHUR,</p> + + <p>But I have penned some reams of rhythmic stuff</p> + + <p class="i2">Concerning (please admire the rhyme!) + SIDDÁRTHA.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(That, as an "assonance," is quite as good</p> + + <p class="i2">As "<i>sang</i> it," and "<i>began</i> + it.") Ornamental</p> + + <p>And Eastern Mythos draws me; but I'm good</p> + + <p class="i2">At "Poems National and Non-Oriental."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I love the Hindoos, I adore the Japs;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm fond of scraps of Oriental lingo;</p> + + <p>Yet I'm a patriot, and have hymned, perhaps,</p> + + <p class="i2">As much as most, my native god, great + Jingo!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think a Muse with twinkly almond orbs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would—as a change—in England + prove most fetching;</p> + + <p>Is it not plain Jap Art our Art ahsorbs!</p> + + <p class="i2">Why not in singing, then, as well as + sketching?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm sure my "GEISHA" is as good a girl</p> + + <p class="i2">As <i>Vivien</i>, or <i>Faustine</i>, or + e'en <i>Dolores</i>.</p> + + <p>Is she more frail, less fair, that perfect pearl</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Singing Girls, Xipangu's great'st of + glories?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Knocks her nice little flat nose on the floor,</p> + + <p class="i2">In Japanese politeness, my "Half + Jewel."</p> + + <p>ALGERNON's nymphs, in song or in <i>amour</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Are always coarse and generally + cruel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Pearls of the Faith</i>," is a most pious + work,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although AL-MUTÂHÂLI is the stringer.</p> + + <p>But only he who hates "The Unspeakable Turk,"</p> + + <p class="i2">On <i>that</i> account would blame the + Christian singer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Lotus and Jewel!" Doesn't that sound nice?</p> + + <p class="i2">My mild Jap Muse <i>may</i> be a + roguey-poguey;</p> + + <p>But there's no stimulus to pleasant vice</p> + + <p class="i2">About a holy Brahman or chaste Yogi.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Land of the Rising Sun," delightful "Third</p> + + <p class="i2">Kingdom of Merry Dreams," of you I'm + amorous.</p> + + <p>Must <i>that</i> exclude me from the Wreath? + Absurd!</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm prettily pious, and I'm gently + glamorous.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My Knighthood proves that I am quite O.K.,</p> + + <p class="i2">My dear <i>D.T.</i> will answer for my + morals;</p> + + <p>I'm steeped in Sanscrit lore, and so must say</p> + + <p class="i2">I can't see why I should not wear the + laurels!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Quite so," said <i>Punch</i>. "I like your + rhyme—and cheek;</p> + + <p>Still, there be others yet to hear—next + week!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201.png" + alt="AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON." /></a> + + <h3>AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON.</h3> + + <p><i>The Governess</i>. "And now, what is a Parable, + Effie?"</p> + + <p><i>Effie</i> (<i>who has got rather muddled</i>). "A + Parable? Oh, of course, a Parable is a Heavenly story with + an Earthly meaning!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>APOLOGIA ARRYGATENSIS.—"'ARRY in Arrygate" was so much + sought after everywhere that it was thought <i>Mr. Punch</i> + could not possibly supply the great demand for this article + with sufficient celerity and dispatch. Hence it happened that + the <i>Harrogate Advertiser</i> enthusiastically reproduced the + entire article as published in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> pages, + without saying "with your leave, or by your leave," to the + Proprietors representing <i>Mr. Punch</i>. So, <i>Mr. + Punch</i>, always kindly and courteous, was compelled in this + instance to "know the reason why." Whereupon <i>The Harrogate + Advertiser</i> acknowledged that it did not "harrogate to + itself" any sort of right to republish wholesale without + acknowledgment anything that has appeared in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + pages, and at once handsomely apologised for this instance of + priggishness quite unprecedented in the <i>Harrogate + Advertiser's</i> columns (<i>Vide Harrogate Advertiser</i>, + October 15). <i>Box</i> and <i>Cox</i> are satisfied. <i>Causa + flnita est. Vive</i> 'ARRY! Likewise 'Arrygate! And, know, all + men, by these presents, that <i>Mr. P.</i> is quite + wide-awake.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANECDOTAGE.—Said the Old Parliamentary Hand, entering + Christ Church, "I prefer <i>this</i> House to the other!" It + was <i>the</i> success of the visit.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202-1.png" + alt="A COOL HAND." /></a> + + <h3>A COOL HAND.</h3> + + <p><i>Irrepressible Pupil</i>. "Poor Stuff, Sir, this + Virgil. Don't you think so?"</p> + + <p><i>Suffering Coach</i> (<i>who can scarcely believe his + ears</i>). "Poor Stuff, Sir! Virgil—poor Stuff! + <i>What do you mean</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Irrepressible Pupil</i> (<i>unmoved</i>). "Seems to + me, Sir, it's merely a Literal Translation of some of the + best English Cribs!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It is to be sincerely hoped that there is no truth in + the rumour that a paper for children will shortly make its + appearance, entirely written and illustrated by children + under fifteen years of age."—<i>St. James's Gazette, + October 12th.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, churlish critic, do you hope sincerely</p> + + <p class="i2">The rumour, which you mention, is + untrue?</p> + + <p>Mere prejudice makes you regard severely</p> + + <p class="i2">The cause of liberty which we pursue.</p> + + <p>We are, <i>The Prattler</i> will establish + clearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite competent to edit a review;</p> + + <p>The age of greatest wisdom will be seen</p> + + <p>To be decidedly below fifteen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> never showed, as we need hardly + mention,</p> + + <p class="i2">That fabled ignorance about the + stars,</p> + + <p>From earliest days we spoke about 'declension,'</p> + + <p class="i2">And argued on the atmosphere of Mars;</p> + + <p>While parents we put up with, more attention</p> + + <p class="i2">We paid towards another kind of + "pars.";</p> + + <p>Full soon was lit the journalistic flame,—</p> + + <p>We lisped in leaders, for the leaders came.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That foolish custom, which, at present smothers</p> + + <p class="i2">Our youthful genius, we shall + supersede.</p> + + <p>Here are some papers which, with many others,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will make <i>The Prattler</i> eminent + indeed;—</p> + + <p>A series on "The Management of Mothers,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Will meet, we hope, a long-experienced + need;</p> + + <p>Elsewhere we'll note, in some attractive way,</p> + + <p>The latest long-clothes fashion of the day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Instruction in the art of window-breaking,</p> + + <p class="i2">And modes to tame a fiery governess,</p> + + <p>Descriptions of perambulator-making—</p> + + <p class="i2">No need on details to lay further + stress,</p> + + <p>You'll own our journalistic undertaking,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must prove an unequivocal success;</p> + + <p>While you, who uttered this untimely sneer,</p> + + <p>Will blush, apologise, and disappear!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MY FIRST BRIEF.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/202-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When you, my first brief, were delivered,</p> + + <p>Every fibre in me quivered</p> + + <p>With delight. I seemed to see</p> + + <p>Myself admitted a Q.C.;</p> + + <p>Piles of briefs upon the table,</p> + + <p>More work to do than I was able;</p> + + <p>Clients scrambling for advice,</p> + + <p>Then LORD CHANCELLOR in a trice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I seized my virgin pencil blue,</p> + + <p>Marked and perused you through and through.</p> + + <p>The story brief, instructions short,</p> + + <p>Defendant in a County Court,</p> + + <p>It needed not an ounce of sense</p> + + <p>To see that you had no defence.</p> + + <p>But, erudite in English law,</p> + + <p>I fashioned bricks without the straw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Around my chamber-floor I sped.</p> + + <p>Harangued the book-case on each head;</p> + + <p>DEMOSTHENES and CICERO</p> + + <p>On hearing me had cried a go.</p> + + <p>Then I must own that I was nettled—</p> + + <p>Out of Court the case was settled.</p> + + <p>All my points were left unmade,</p> + + <p>And the fee is left unpaid.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>POLITE LEARNING.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Professor LOMBROSO writes in the <i>Revue des + Revues</i> that all women are liars. Mr. VICTOR HORSLEY + writes in the <i>Times</i> that one of Miss COBBE's + statements is a lie.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shameful, shocking, rude Professor!</p> + + <p>CRICHTON BROWNE—your predecessor</p> + + <p>In attacks, would-be suppressor</p> + + <p class="i10">Of the higher</p> + + <p>Education—once compared them</p> + + <p>To the Pantaloon, and scared them,</p> + + <p>But he was polite, and spared them</p> + + <p class="i10">Words like "liar."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lie, indeed! There is a middle</p> + + <p>Course—say "fib" or "tarradiddle,"</p> + + <p>"Not quite true," "A sort of riddle</p> + + <p class="i10">Facts to smother."</p> + + <p>We, who love the fair romancer—</p> + + <p>Be she talker, singer, dancer,</p> + + <p>What you will, she's sweet—we answer,</p> + + <p class="i10">"You're another!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As for you, rough Mr. HORSLEY,</p> + + <p>Arguing so very coarsely,</p> + + <p>May I say yours is a worse lie,—</p> + + <p class="i10">Rhyming badly?</p> + + <p>You, so skilled in vivisection,</p> + + <p>Could cut up Miss COBBE's objection,</p> + + <p>With your tongue in some subjection,</p> + + <p class="i10">Not thus madly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, LOMBROSO would despise you,</p> + + <p>Though he is so rude. These "lies" you</p> + + <p>Freely write make folks surmise you</p> + + <p class="i10">An impostor,</p> + + <p>Not the lady. You've not "licked" her.</p> + + <p>(Slang to suit you) though you're VICTOR.</p> + + <p>Since you stoop to contradict her</p> + + <p class="i10">Like a coster.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/203.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/203.png" + alt="MR. PUNCH'S SHOOTING-PARTY." /></a> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S SHOOTING-PARTY.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <h2>SONGS OUT OF SEASON.—MY CARETAKER.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/204-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A mysterious thing</p> + + <p class="i2">For our commonplace day,</p> + + <p>Is the lady I sing</p> + + <p class="i2">In the following lay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While I'm shooting the grouse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or enjoying the sea,</p> + + <p>She takes care of my house</p> + + <p class="i2">For a nominal fee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For ten shillings a-week</p> + + <p class="i2">Does this wonderful woman</p> + + <p>Undertake, so to speak,</p> + + <p class="i2">An existence inhuman.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Like their dwellings the rabbits</p> + + <p class="i2">Deep in darkling retreats,</p> + + <p>This weird widow inhabits</p> + + <p class="i2">Subterranean seats.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What with humour "contrary,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or ironic despair,</p> + + <p>She denominates "airey"—</p> + + <p class="i2">From its absence of air!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It would give <i>me</i> the blues</p> + + <p class="i2">Household gods to uphold</p> + + <p>With a <i>Lloyd's Weekly News</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Of some fifty days old.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In a Stygian gloom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Far from sun and ozone,</p> + + <p>She sits locked in her room,</p> + + <p class="i2">Uncompanioned, alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At a knock, at a call</p> + + <p class="i2">How she shivers and starts!</p> + + <p>She's "that nervous"—and "Hall</p> + + <p class="i2">Of 'er fambly 'as 'earts."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not till gloaming obscure</p> + + <p class="i2">Cools hot London at last,</p> + + <p>Hies she forth to procure</p> + + <p class="i2">Her ideal repast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"A red 'erring, an inion,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Just of dripping a bite"</i></p> + + <p>—This is not my opinion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hers <i>verbatim</i> I cite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I fancy, though loth to</p> + + <p class="i2">Thus detract from her merits,</p> + + <p>(And I've her solemn oath too!)</p> + + <p class="i2">That she's "partial to sperrits."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For once suddenly coming</p> + + <p class="i2">(She supposed me away)</p> + + <p>I was struck by her humming</p> + + <p class="i2">"<i>Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And not humming it only;</p> + + <p class="i2">Also <i>dancing</i> the same,—</p> + + <p>This bereaved, honest, lonely</p> + + <p class="i2">Deferential dame!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!</i>"</p> + + <p class="i2">In my desolate hall;</p> + + <p>I, though prone to be gay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Didn't like it at all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Which," she said, "it was Fits—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Sint Biteus"—her + fling!—</p> + + <p>Yes! The Caretaker, it's</p> + + <p class="i2">A mysterious thing.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.</i>)</h4> + + <h3 class="sc">Lunch (continued).</h3> + + <p>How well I remember a certain day in the by-gone years, when + for the first time a great truth suddenly burst upon me in all + its glory. The morning's sport had been unsuccessful. We were + all fairly tired, and some of us, in spite of the moderate + temperature, were perspiring freely. For we had been walking up + late partridges most of the morning, with just an occasional + shot here and there at pheasants in covert. Now, late + partridges are perhaps the least amenable of created things. + They cherish a perfectly ridiculous conviction that nature, in + endowing them with life, intended that they should preserve it, + and consequently they hold it to be their one aim and object to + fly, whirring and cheeping, out of sight, long before even an + enthusiastic shot could have a chance of proving to them how + beautifully a bird can be missed. For some reason or other, our + host had refused or had been unable to drive the birds. One + result was that we had tramped and tramped and tramped, getting + only rare shots, and doing but little execution. Another result + was, that the place was simply littered with lost tempers, and + we sat down to lunch very much out of conceit with ourselves, + our guns, our cartridges, the keepers, the dogs, and everything + else. The pleasant array of plates and glasses, and the savoury + odours of the meats mitigated, but did not dispel the frowns. + Then suddenly there dropped down amongst us, as it were from + the sky, the Great Woodcock Saga. In a moment the events of the + morning were forgotten, brows cleared, tempers were picked up, + and an eager hilarity reigned over the company, while the + adventures of the wonderful bird were pursued from tree to + tree, from clump to clump, through all the zig-zags of his + marvellous flight, until he finally vanished triumphantly into + the unknown.</p> + + <p>Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this + way:—First of all suppose that a woodcock has shown + himself somewhere or other during the morning. If he was seen + it follows, as the day follows the night, (1), that + <i>everybody</i> shot at him at the most fantastic distances + without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the party; + (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that + everybody, though having, according to his own version, been + especially careful himself, has been placed in imminent peril + by the recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw + himself flat on his face to avoid death; and (5), that the + woodcock is not really a bird at all, but a devil. The + following is suggested as an example of Woodcock-dialogue, the + scene being laid at lunch:—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/204-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204-2.png" + alt="Picture of Woodcock holding a Rifle while Sportsmen run for cover" /> + </a> + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First Sportsman</i> (<i>pausing in his attack on a + plateful of curried rabbit</i>). By Jupiter! that was a + smartish woodcock. I never saw the beggar till he all but + flew into my face, and then away he went, like a streak of + greased lightning. I let him have both barrels; but I might + as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I fancy I tickled him + up with my left.</p> + + <p><i>Second Sportsman</i> (<i>a stout, jovial man, + breaking in</i>). Tickled <i>him</i> up! By gum, I thought + <i>I</i> was going to be tickled up, I tell you. Shot was + flying all round me—bang! bang! all over the place. I + loosed off twice at him, and then went down, to avoid + punishment. Haven't a notion what became of him.</p> + + <p><i>Third Sportsman</i> (<i>choking with laughter at the + recollection</i>). I saw you go down, old cock. First go + off, I thought you were hit: but, when you got that old + face of yours up, and began to holler "Wor guns!" as if you + meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn't much the + matter with <i>you</i>. Just look at him, you chaps. Do you + think an ordinary charge of shot would go through + <i>that</i>? Not likely.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Sportsman</i> (<i>military man</i>). Gad, it + was awful! I'd rather be bucketed about by EVELYN WOOD for + a week than face another woodcock. I heard 'em shoutin', + "Woodcock forward! Woodcock back! Woodcock to the right! + Woodcock to the left! Mark—mark!" Gad! thinks I to + myself, the bally place must be full of 'em. Just then out + he came, as sly as be blowed. My old bundook went off of + its own accord. I bagged the best part of an oak tree, and, + after that, I scooted. Things were gettin' just a shade too + warm, by gad! A reg'lar hail-storm, that's what it was. No, + thank you, thinks I; not for this party—I'm off to + cover. So that's all <i>I</i> know about it. Thanks, + TOMMY—do you mind handin' round that beer-jug?</p> + + <p><i>First Sportsman</i> (<i>rallying him</i>). Just think + of that. And we're all of us taxed to keep a chap like that + in comfort. Why you're <i>paid</i> to be shot + at—that's what you're <i>there</i> for, you and your + thin red line, and all that. By Jupiter! we don't get our + money's worth out of you if you're going to cut and run + before a poor, weak, harmless woodcock.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Military Sportsman <i>is heavily chaffed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Military Sportsman</i>. Oh, it's all very well for + you Johnnies to gas like that—but, by Gad, you didn't + seem over-anxious to stand fire yourselves. Why your teeth + are chattering still, BINKS.</p> + + <p><i>Binks</i>. Ah, but I'm only a poor civilian.</p> + + <p><i>Military Sportsman</i>. Well, I cut and ran as a + civilian. See? Did anyone shoot the bloomin' bird, after + all?</p> + + <p><i>The Host</i>. <i>Shoot</i> him? I should think not. + The last I saw of him he was sailing off quite comfortable, + cocking snooks at the whole lot. Have another go of pie, + JOHNNY?</p> + </div> + + <p>So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of + which every sportsman is bound to recognise. And the great + truth that burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore + good temper to a shattered party, you must start talking about + woodcocks. If you saw a woodcock in the morning, talk about + that one. If not, begin about the woodcock you saw last week, + or the woodcock somebody else missed the week before. But + whatever you do, always keep a woodcock for a (metaphorically) + rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you shoot, and + watch the effect.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"GRIEVANCES OF CIVIL SERVANTS."—Sir, seeing this + heading in the <i>Times</i> to a letter which I didn't stop to + read, I can only say, for my part, that us servants as is + really civil ought not never to have any "grievancies." Tips is + the reward to "<i>civil</i> servants."—Yours, THE + BUTLER.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 29, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15605-h.txt or 15605-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/0/15605</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 29, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 12, 2005 [eBook #15605] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 29, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15605-h.htm or 15605-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h/15605-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605/15605-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 29, 1892 + + + + + + + +IMPRESSIONS OF "IL TROVATORE." + +(_BY A MATTER-OF-FACT PHILISTINE AT COVENT GARDEN._) + +ACT I. SCENE 2.--_Leonora's_ confidant evidently alive to the +responsibilities of her position. Watch her, for example, when her +Mistress is about to confide to her ear the dawn of her passion for +_Manrico_. She walks _Leonora_ gently down to the footlights, launches +her into her solo, like a boat, and stands aside on the left, a +little behind, with an air of apprehension, lest she should come to +grief over the next high note, and a hand in readiness to support her +elbow in case she should suddenly collapse. Then, feeling partially +reassured, she goes round to inspect her from the right, where she +remains until her superior has completed her confidences, and it is +time to lead her away. Operatic confidant sympathetic--but a more +modern heroine might find one "get on her nerves," perhaps. _Manrico_ +a very robust type of Troubadour--but oughtn't a Troubadour to carry +about a guitar, or a lute, or something? If _Manrico_ has one, he +invariably leaves it outside. Probably doesn't see why, with so many +competent musicians in the orchestra, he should take the trouble of +playing his own accompaniments. And why does the Curtain invariably +come down as soon as swords are drawn? Tantalising to have all the +duels and fighting done during the _entr'actes._ + +[Illustration: Manrico, a rather full-blown "Ghost in Hamlet."] + +ACT II. SCENE 1.--_Azucena_ insists on telling _Manrico_ a long and +rather improbable story of how, in a fit of absorption, she once burnt +her own son in mistake for the _Conte di Luna's, Manrico_ listens, as +a matter of filial duty--because, after all, she is his mother--but +he is clearly of opinion that these painful family reminiscences are +far better forgotten. Perhaps he suspects that her anguish may be +due to a severe fit of indigestion--the symptoms of which are almost +indistinguishable from those of operatic remorse. At all events, he +does not find his parent a cheerful companion, and, as soon as he +finds a decent excuse for escape, takes it. + +SCENE 2.--The Cloisters of a Convent. _Enter_ the _Conte di Luna_, +with followers, to abduct _Leonora_. The followers range themselves +against a wall in the background, until the Count has finished +"_Il Balen_." If their opinion was asked, they would probably be +in favour of his making rather less noise about it, if he really +means business--but of course it is not _their_ place to interfere. +_Leonora_ enters to take the veil, with procession of nuns, preceded +by four female acolytes--or are they pages?--in white tights, carrying +tapers. The Count and his followers are evidently a little taken +aback--an abduction not quite so simple an affair as they expected. +While they are working themselves up to it, _Manrico_ appears, as the +stage-direction says, "like a phantom." In a helmet, with a horsehair +tail, and a large white cloak, he does look extremely like the +_Ghost_ in _Hamlet_, and which is, perhaps, why the Count, under the +impression that he is an apparition from some other Opera, allows him +to Walk off with _Leonora_ under his very nose. Swords are drawn--with +the usual result of bringing down the Curtain. + +[Illustration: "Azucena," or, "My pretty Chain!"] + +ACT III. SCENE 1.--Soldiers discovered carousing, as wildly as is +possible on four gilded cruets, and a dozen goblets. _Azucena_ +is brought before the Count, and manacled. Operatic handcuffs--a +most humane contrivance--with long links, to permit of the freest +facilities for entreaty and imprecation. Soldiers, who have been +called to arms, but stayed, from a natural curiosity to hear what the +_Conte di Luna_ had to say to the Gipsy, go off, as she is led away +to prison, with a sense that they have seen all there _is_ to be +seen, and a vague recollection that there is some fighting to be done +somewhere. + +SCENE 2.--_Leonora_, and _Manrico_ are about to be married; everything +prepared--four apathetic bridesmaids, and the four acolytes in +tights--who have possibly been kindly lent by the Convent for the +occasion--in a vacuous row at the back of the scene. Fancy _Manrico_ +has forgotten to give them the usual initial brooches, and they feel +the wedding is a poky affair, and take no interest in it. _Leonora_ +herself is in low spirits--seems to miss the confidant, and to be +oppressed with a misgiving that the wedding is not destined to come +off. Misgivings on the stage are never thrown away--the wedding _is_ +interrupted immediately by a crowd of men, in small sugar-loaf caps, +who carry the bridegroom off to fight--whereupon, of course, the +Curtain falls. + +[Illustration: Luna and the Star of the Evening.] + +ACT IV. SCENE 1.--_Leonora_ listening outside the tower in which +_Manrico_ is being tortured, after having been taken prisoner in a +combat during the _entr'acte_. Here a confidant might have comforted +her considerably by representing that they couldn't be torturing the +poor Troubadour so _very_ seriously so long as he is able to take part +in a duet--but unfortunately _Leonora_ seems to have discharged the +confidant after the Second Act--an error of judgment on her part, for +she is certainly incapable of taking care of herself. A cool-headed, +sensible confidant, for instance, would have taken care that the +bargain with the _Conte di Luna_ was conceived and carried out in a +more business-like spirit. + +"Now _do_ be careful," she would have said. "Make sure that the Count +keeps _his_ word before you break _yours_. Don't go and see _Manrico_ +yourself--it _can_ do no good, and will only harrow you! If you +really _must_ go, don't take a quick poison first--or you'll die +in his dungeon, and spoil the whole thing!" Which is just what +_Leonora_--like the impulsive operatic heroine she is--proceeds to +do, and is cruelly misunderstood by _Manrico_, in consequence, besides +hastening his doom by disappointing the Count, whose irritation was +only natural, and pardonable, under the circumstances. + +Don't quite see myself why the Count should be so horrified on +learning that the person he has just had executed was his long-lost +brother. It is not as if they had ever been friendly, or were at all +likely to become so, considering their previous relations. Depend +upon it, when he has time to think the matter over calmly, he will +recognise that things are better as they are, and that Fate has +solved his domestic difficulties in the only possible manner. A +Troubadour Brother, with a revengeful and quite unpresentable gipsy +foster-mother, would have proved very trying persons to live with. + + * * * * * + +"A CHIEL'S AMANG YE MAKING NOTES."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN sat next to +Sir HENRY HAWKINS during part of the recent sensational trial at +the Ancient Bailey, making, of course not taking, notes. Sir HENRY +occasionally conversed with the Knight of Music. Did the latter hum, +_sotto voce_, "_And a good Judge too!_" with other selections from +_Trial by Jury_? Everyone glad Sir ARTHUR is so well. Perhaps after +this he will return to Real Eccentric Gilbertian Opera, and go away +for "change of air." The "Carte" is at the door, ready to take him, +but his original "Gee Gee" has gone to America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!" + + "This Garter, brighter from the knee + Of him who uttered nothing--important."] + +_"Mister" Rosebery, loquitur_:-- + + A Star and Garter! Here's a go! + Well, well, no doubt 'twas to be worn meant; + And, as mere personal adornment, + It does look smartish, dontcher know! + + All personal adornment's vain, + Held Dr. WATTS, holds dear McDOUGALL; + For dowdy dress and habits frugal + Befit the Democratic strain. + + And I'm a Democrat--of course! + The BENJAMIN FRANKLIN of the Peerage! + And yet--ah! truly 'tis a queer age-- + Decoration has _some_ force! + + I wonder what the L.C.C. + Will say to this! That I should spurn it? + JOHN BURNS may swear I ought to burn it. + Still--it looks natty round my knee. + + I need not wear it when I sit + Among the broadcloth'd heirs of BUMBLE! + But Foreign Minister too humble + Were butt of diplomatic wit. + + Battersea's pride my pride may scourge. + Well--he may find he's caught a Tartar. + A robe--a coronet--a garter!-- + Materials for a new "PRIDE'S PURGE"! + + The keen-eyed Democratic lynx + May watch me with alert suspicion, + As but a half-disguised patrician, + But--shame to him who evil thinks! + +[_Left posturing complacently._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT. + +_Sportsman_ (_with gun_). "HILLO, ALGIE, BEEN CUB-HUNTING? HOW DOES +THE YOUNG 'UN GO?" + +_Algie_. "SPLENDIDLY, OLD FELLOW, SPLENDIDLY! NEVER CARRIED SO WELL +IN MY LIFE! GOT CLEAN AWAY WITH ME AS SOON AS THEY FOUND,--COULDN'T +HOLD HIM A BIT--BOLD AS A LION, NOTHING STOPS HIM,--WENT SLICK +THROUGH A FLIGHT O' FAIR-HOLED POSTS AND RAILS, SMASHED A GATE INTO +MATCHWOOD,--TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGHT AS THE CROW FLIES THROUGH AND OVER +EVERYTHING,--AND, HANG ME, IF HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GOING YET, IF HE +HADN'T PUT HIS FOOT INTO A RABBIT-HOLE CROSSING CRUMPLER COMMON, AND +COME A REGULAR CROWNER. DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DEUCE THE HOUNDS WENT TO! +HAD A GLORIOUS GALLOP, THOUGH, ALL TO MYSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTY-COUNCILLOR'S DIARY. + +(_A FEW YEARS HENCE._) + +_Monday_.--To-day's meeting of the Council rather stormy. The +Council's Clerk of the Works, who superintends the fifty thousand +builders, bricklayers, &c., who are now employed directly by us, +reports that, unless the concessions demanded by the men are granted, +they will all go out on strike to-morrow. The concessions are--Free +beer three times a-day; half-holiday every other day at full day's +wages; and a month's trip to the Riviera in winter, paid for out of +the rates. Clerk of the Works (appointed, on elective principle, by +the men themselves) describes these demands as "highly moderate and +reasonable." Council unable to agree with him. After sitting for six +hours, amid frightful uproar, Council breaks up, without coming to any +decision. + +_Tuesday_.--Workmen _have_ struck! Awkward, as they have just pulled +down north side of Strand, to make room for double lines of electric +tramways in centre of roadway, and whole street in an awful litter. +Begin to wish we had not "Abolished the Contractor" quite so hastily. + +_Wednesday_.--Another meeting of Council. Quite unanimous to go on +resisting men's demands. Clerk of Works reports that the Council's +scavengers, plumbers, carters, lamp-lighters, and turncocks, are all +threatening to strike, in sympathy with bricklayers. In consequence of +evident enjoyment with which Clerk makes this announcement, proposal +to decrease his salary from that of a Lord Chancellor to that of a +Puisne Judge, carried _nem. con_. In spite of attacks on Council in +the Press, satisfactory that it knows how to keep up its dignity at +this crisis. + +_Thursday_.--Matters getting serious. A deep fall of snow has +occurred, and Council's men refuse to clear it away, or let others do +the work! In addition, Strand tradesmen come in body to Spring Gardens +to say that "nobody can get near their shops, and they are being +rapidly ruined." Hastily-convened meeting of the Council. Proposal +to ask our old Contractor to rebuild Strand and clear snow away. Our +old Contractor declines to tender for the job! He says, "Council has +abolished the Middleman, and had better get on without him, if it +can!" Rude, but forcible. + +_Friday_.--Council heroically decides to do the work itself. Am told +off by Chairman to help remove old bricks on the Strand site. Have +first to dig snow away to get at bricks. Intense amusement of hostile +crowd, from whom we are protected by a cordon of police. Bark my +shins badly against wheel of cart. Chairman--who has been extremely +energetic in running up and down a ladder with a hod of mortar over +his shoulder, which he thinks is bricklaying--falls from ladder and is +taken off to Charing Cross Hospital; amid shower of brickbats. Crowd +wants to know "which is McDOUGALL." When they find out, pelt him with +snowballs. BURNS--who has stuck loyally to Council--fiercely denounced +as a "blackleg" by crowd. Amusing at any other time. Home in evening +dead tired, under police escort. Find all my front windows smashed! +After all--_was_ it wise to abolish the Contractor? + +_Saturday_.--Whole County Council, protected by several regiments from +Aldershot, a park of Artillery, and all the City Police (Council's +own Police being out on strike, in sympathy with bricklayers), manage +with great difficulty to fill ten carts with rubbish, and then adjourn +to Spring Gardens. Refreshments and free sticking-plaster handed +round before Meeting takes place. Meeting unanimously decides to +re-establish old Middleman system! Sir JOHN LUBBOCK humorously +suggests that it is, at any rate, better than the "muddle-man" system +which we have tried and found wanting. Bonus of L5,000 out of rates, +enthusiastically voted to any Contractor who will tender for job of +clearing snow and widening Strand. + +_Later_.--High Court disallows our "precept" for the L5,000 +bonus--says we must pay it out of our own pockets! + +Wish I had never stood for London County Council! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. NO. 2. + +Another of our speshal lot is good old SAM, with his wunderfool +memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally swears +as he remembers the time when there wasn't not no Cabs, nor no +Homnybusses nor no Hallways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no Perlice, in +all Lundon! And when there was grate droves of Cattel and Sheep druv +thro' the streets, and people used to have to put up bars at their +doors to keep 'em out. And menny and menny a time has he seen a reel +live Bullock march into his Master's Counting 'Ouse, with his two wild +horns a sticking out, and as it was to narrer for him to turn hisself +round, he used to have to be backed out tale foremost, with a fierce +dog a barking at his nose. + +[Illustration] + +Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How the peepel +got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as how +as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses, +and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old +coaches, called Ackney Coaches--coz, they was all maid at Ackney, I +suppose--all drorn by two ramshackel old Osses, and with werry shabby +old drivers with wisps of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some +brite Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they soon cut out the Ackney +Coaches, which all went back to Ackney, and was never seen no more. +And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented Homnybusses, and +they rayther estonished the Cabs, and what the next brite Genus will +inwent in that line, I don't know, and SAM don't know, and I don't +suppose as nobody else don't. But the most wunderfullest thing of all +must have bin the having of no Perlice! For SAM, acshally declares, +that before Perlice was inwented by Sir ROBERT PEEL--therefore +wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers--the only pertecters as London +had at night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened CHARLEY, who +used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers has at the QUEEN's +Pallaces, with a little lantern hanging up in front, and when the +Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to git out of their +boxes and wark up and down the streets a calling out, "Parst Three +o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it mite happen to be, and then +go back to their little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and quietly +go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times for Messrs. +DICK TUPPIN, JACK SHEPHARD, BILL SIKES, and Cumpny, unlimited. But, +SAM says, as they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost +anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and +that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and offen stood +at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches, +with white nite caps on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so +serously that we are forced to bleeve him. + +Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all likes to work +with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he's rayther a comical +feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the true fax of +the case, they'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total Waiters. +And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily bleeves +as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what he +means by it; but BROWN says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack +on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be +Tea-totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But +no--I'm in favour of Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud +think that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own +punishment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to +lead, than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most +bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous +Waiter's taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I +thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times, +as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner, +but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him to +taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was SANKY PANSER, some +relashun of MOODY and SANKY, I sposes. His master's name was DAN +QUICKSHOT, ony another name, I bleeves, for BUFFALO BILL. But that was +nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other day. +It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, by the +name of TANTLUS, who, becoz he was found out in helping hisself to sum +werry speshal brand of Neckter, was condemned to stand up to his neck +in water for ewer so many years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty +that he would have drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he +wasn't allowed not to taste a drop; and, not only that, but there was +a lot of most bewtifool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and +whenever he tried jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it +away out of his reach. Hence the prowerb, "You be blowed!" + +In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged in +former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian Gent's +constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny years! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +CARON AND CHARON. + +(_AFTER DIPPING INTO MAJOR LE CARON'S "RECOLLECTIONS."_) + + MAJOR LE CARON! Major! True, a greater + Or more accomplished spy who ever knew? + And so original! In fact, the _pater_ + Of all deception yields the palm to You! + Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met + Wile with wile wilier! And then, forsooth, + You so transformed yourself to suit each set, + That it is praise to say, "you lied like truth!" + And in an honest cause! Renown'd Ulysses, + That craftiest hero yields to you in guile. + You touch the gold! You're not the man who misses + A chance! You caught the wariest with your smile! + "CARON!" The "h" is dropped, or we could fix + (And so we can if Greek the name we make) + You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx, + Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake. + The simile is nearly perfect, note, + For you, with your Conspirators afloat, + Were, as you've shown us, all in the same boat. + + * * * * * + +AT IT AGAIN! + +The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to _Mr. +Punch_ for publication:-- + +I.--_Koniglich-Kaiserlicher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dummwitz von +Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second._ + +MOST GRACIOUS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my spouse, the +beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, ANNA ANSELMA, whom, +by your Majesty's ever-to-be-with-gratitude-remembered permission, I +last year to the altar led, is now of good hope, and will shortly, if +all should go well, add one to your Majesty's loyal and submissive +subjects. I make this announcement in accordance with your Majesty's +Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6. + +And I remain, &c. &c. &c., DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +II.--_William the Second to K.K.O.H.R.D.H.D. von Hammelfleisch._ + +HERR DOCTOR, + +I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7 of my +Hochzeit's Decree, I graciously give permission for the birth of the +child referred to in your communication. I beg, at the same time, to +point out that, by my Supplementary Decree (Proportions of Sexes), +issued last week, it is necessary that the child should be a boy. +Communicate this at once to the Frau K.E. Ober-Hof-Rathin Doctorin +A.A. VON HAMMELFLEISCH. + +(Signed) WILLIAM I. ET R. + +III.--_K.K.O.H.R.D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King, William the +Second._ + +MOST IMPERIAL MAJESTY, + +Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my wife +communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your Imperial +Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. VON H. + +IV.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger."_ + +"Frau ANNA ANSELMA VON HAMMELFLEISCH, having last week given birth to +a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's Supplementary Decree +(No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our painful duty to announce +that the Herr Doctor DUMMWITZ VON HAMMELFLEISCH has been dismissed +from his post as K.K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will immediately be +prosecuted for the crime of _lese Majeste_." + +V.--_Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month later_ + +"The prisoner, HAMMELFLEISCH, was yesterday condemned to twenty years' +solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. The wretched man +acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and begged others to take +warning by his fate." + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Most delightful weather favoured us last week at +Gatwick and Sandown, and most of the horses I mentioned as worth +following either finished nowhere or were not there at all, which I +think is a fair average record for a Turf prophet! I heard at Sandown +that sweeping reforms are to be expected in Turf matters next Season, +but I will not harp too much on this string, as more able pens than +mine have undertaken it--though how a "pen" can harp on a string I +don't quite see--or _hear_, it should be. + +I certainly think _Brandy_ would have won the Gatwick Handicap, but +I suppose the bottle is getting low, and is being reserved in case +the Cambridgeshire is run on a cold day! And that brings me to the +consideration of this great race. I do not propose to analyse the form +of all the horses, but will devote my attention to a few of the likely +ones--who should feel complimented thereat (I suppose a horse; can +feel a compliment just as well as it can a whip)--from which might +spring the winner. First and foremost, then, _La Fleche_ has, in my +opinion, enough weight to carry, even if the jockey is included, as I +believe is the case--and I was told by Sir CHARLEY WHITELEY, that to +win the Newmarket Oaks she had to be "bustled up"--a fashion which I +thought had quite gone out!--anyhow, many people think she is "not the +same mare she was"--though how they can have changed her I don't quite +understand, but it would not surprise me to find _Windgall_ the best +of the Baron's on the day. + +There are several horses spoken of as "rods in pickle," but as a +rule, these animals stop at "rods" and never get to "poles" much less +"perches!" Should Sir JAS. MILLER win the race, the town may resound +with many a merry _Joedel_, but this is trying weather for voices, +though I believe he is running untried, but certainly trying! There +was some doubt as to the starting of a great favourite, owing to a +report that the owner had been "forestalled"--an excuse which always +sounds very weak to me, as surely if outsiders can back a horse at +a long price, the owner should also be able to do so, and thus put +backers "in the cart"--where _some_ of them would present a picture +which might lead people to think the "cart" was on its way to Tyburn! +There appears to be considerable doubt as to whether _Buccaneer_ has +eaten anything lately or not, so I must discard him; but I think if he +were given a sherry and bitters at once he might recover his appetite +and win, as he is known to be a "glutton" for work! JEWITT's best +will take some beating, when we know which it is, which we shall do +shortly, as no stable is more ready than this to let everyone into +the secret of their "good things;", so if some _Whisperer_, should +tell you that his _Suspender_ is broken, it is on the cards that the +_Pensioner_ may still be able to walk home in safety! But enough +of this (as your readers will doubtless say!)--and let us come to +the point as the knife said to the pencil--so I will conclude by +recommending a "maximum" on my choice, and as it is a foreign one, I +must necessarily break out into foreign poetry--(just as easy to--), + +Yours devotedly, + +LADY GAY. + +CAMBRIDGESHIRE SELECTION. + + Le type le plus "noir" dans le monde, + Le nomme, on dit, Le Chouan! + Mais, roule au dessous de l'onde, + Devient "Blanc" comme _Kairouan_! + + * * * * * + +TO ASTRAEA. + +(_WHO WOULD HAVE ME SHOW HER MY HAND._) + +[Illustration] + + Too pretty Palmist, oh, refrain, + Nor thus my Destinies importune + To bare the map of trite and plain + Misfortune. + + Methinks, that I, sweet sorceress, + Whose weird persuasions fascinate us, + Can read my stars without express + Afflatus. + + "_I'm o'er ambitious_"--more than true; + To fail, the lot of clever men 'tis. + Who's _not_ a genius in his two- + And-twenties. + + (_Your_ two-and-twenties bide above, + While mine--I'm in the sere and yellow-- + But I was once the model of + A fellow.) + + "_My line of head is vague; now quite_ + _Down in the depths, now past the skyline"--_ + Hard lines! The line that sways a kite + Is my line. + + "_My line of heart is insecure_--" + Let "_x_" be hearts; to render scarce "_x_," + Let "I"-s divide it; _eyes_ are your + Unfair sex. + + "_My love will ne'er endure_:" you wrong + My passion: sooth, it will, if you're it: + Yet stay: to wed?--I couldn't long + Endure it. + + "_My line of life is slurred and queer_." + It always was--a hankey-pankey + Of glories missed--a fine career, + But _manque_. + + So there, forbear to spell my fate; + I've saved you that sibylline trouble; + You could but this true estimate + Redouble. + + Still, if you clasp my hand, and plead, + And, pouting, claim your second-sight, it + May chance that though you may not read, + You'll _write_ it. + + * * * * * + +WAS, IS, AND WILL BE. + +(_THREE PERIODS OF BIOGRAPHY._) + +PAST (_Historical_).--General SIMEON SNOOKES was one of the greatest +Commanders that ever figured in an European war. His defence of +Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long remembered by those of his +grateful countrymen who feared that the Corsican upstart would get +the upper hand in the semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian +Peninsula. A service nearly as important was performed when SNOOKES +(then a Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave PEGGE WELL BEY (the +Turkish conqueror) into the grasping hands of the British Government. +Yet still another victory was scored when Captain SNOOKES forced the +gates of Ram and Mar, and brought the proud Earls of the Five Free +Ports to their knees and their senses. That he should have received +the freedom of the City of London was as it should have been, and it +must have been gratifying to his sorrowing friends and relatives that +Royalty itself should have been represented at his obsequies. His fame +as a victorious General will never fade, and although his private +life may have been uninteresting, his connection with the noble +family of DE SCROGGYNS will for ever gain for him the respect of his +fellow-countrymen. + +PRESENT (_Anecdotal_).--General SNOOKES--better known in the last +century as "SIMPLE SIMON"--was a most interesting personage. Of +his military career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely +commonplace, and void of incident. He was a _petit maitre_--and +numerous tales are told of his gallantry. On one occasion, meeting +Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green at Turnham, he called attention +to the fairness of the sunset. "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said +the old _beau_, taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied +the malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but never +forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to +the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the +British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed H.R.H., "if the French invade +us, you must look after Number One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt +answer, "Number One Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote +a little later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the +best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean SWIFT. "I +propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said the simple one. +"Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have +a case of a _Gulliver_ come to judgment!" Many other good stories are +told of this General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than +in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster +Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage of the best-known +people of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the _National +Defender. "Sic transit gloria_," said some-one. "_Mundi_!" added the +journalist. + +FUTURE (_Conjectural_).--SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one knows who this person +was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that he may have had some official +connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the +ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of +his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE. + +A DUET FOR TENOR AND BASS.] + + * * * * * + +"SQUARED!" + +A SONG OF A SETTLEMENT. + +AIR--"_The Death of Nelson_." + +RECITATIVE. + + Near NELSON's monument, with gloom opprest, + The rowdy mourns a Question, now at rest. + But ASQUITH's laurels shall not fade with years, + Whose canny settlement the public cheers. + +AIR. + + 'Twas in Trafalgar's Square, + We heard the spouters blare, + Each rough rejoicing then. + They scorned churl WARREN's yoke, + Of order made a joke, + And claimed the Rights of Men. + But ASQUITH came, the cool and brave, + And poured oil on the troubled wave. + His speech was just a beauty! + Along each line this meaning ran:-- + "England respects true Rights of Man, + But means enforcing Duty." + + No more rude mobs may roar, + A nuisance and a bore, + Where'er BURNS lead the way. + As victory is this claimed + By spouts, by cool sense tamed? + All right! Let them hooray! + But dearly is their conquest bought, + 'Twas scarce for this mad GRAHAM fought + 'Tis _fair_, though--there's its beauty. + All just claims met by this shrewd plan, + The speechifying Rights of Man, + Plus the Policeman's duty. + + ASQUITH's clear, certain sound, + Will spread dismay around; + _Some_ circles. "We believed! + ASQUITH was on _our_ side," + The roughs will say. "He's tried, + And we--well, we're deceived. + If we're _permitted_ in this Square + To muster there, why should we care? + The game has lost its beauty! + Licence unfettered is _our_ plan. + Who cares a cuss for Rights of Man, + Checked by that bugbear Duty?" + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +I am indignant--disgusted! I went last night to see a new piece, +called _The Guardsman_, at the Court Theatre, the plot of which, +reminded me--'tis merely a coincidence--of _Incognita_, now going +strong in St. Martin's Lane. The coincident being that a certain young +man won't marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to marry, +because he is in love with quite another young lady (as he thinks) who +(the _incognita_) turns out to be the very lady whom he is required +to wed. However, that's not what I'm writing about. I leave criticism +to your "professional gent." Well, Sir, it was very amusing, and +very well acted. But from a military point of view, shameful, +Sir!--shameful! The people about me were laughing, and said that the +lines were good; that, take it all round, it ought to be a success; +that it was most amusing. But how could I appreciate anything when I +found a Captain in the Guards, on the Queen's Birthday, walking about +in plain leather boots! It was as bad, in my mind, as when Mr. CHARLES +WARNER, in the piece called _In the Ranks_, appeared as a private in +the same distinguished Regiment in patent leathers! And what was the +Captain doing, Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle's chambers, when he +was supposed to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I understood him +to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort of place +to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he should not have +left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, as orderly officer? But +perhaps he was not on duty, and had dropped in upon the mess (in the +height of the Season!) in a friendly sort of way. Well, that might +explain matters a bit, but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife +tells me that it is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress +the day before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never +been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham Palace. And +if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, and can vouch for +the strict accuracy of the statement. But these are minor matters. +What I _cannot_ stand are _The Guardsman's_ boots! + +Yours more in anger than in sorrow, + +AN OLD SOLDIER. + +_Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough_, _Tomatkinshire_. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. + + If I were a missionary + On the plains of Uganda, + I'd leave that position airy + Ere, at dawn, anew 'gan day. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION PAPER.--"_Here's Pip--Ask Pip. +Pip's our mutual friend_." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this +occur? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SQUARED!" + +FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE ON +SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!" + +SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; + +_OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS._ + +FYTTE THE SECOND. + + "Wire in, my warblers!" PUNCHIUS cried. "To 'wire,' + Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the Lyre." + Then forth there toddled with the mincing gait + Of some fair "Tottering Lily," him, the great + New Bard of Buddha! Grave, and grey of crest. + 'Tis he illumes the nubibustic West + With the true "_Light of Asia_"--or, at least, + Such simulacrum of the effulgent East + As shineth from a homemade Chinese lantern. + No HAFIZ he, or SAADI, yet he _can_ turn + Authentic Sanscrit to--Telegraphese, + And make the Muse a moon-faced Japanese. + Leaderesque love of gentle gush and "Caps.," + Is blent in him with fondness for the Japs. + "Wah! wah! futtee!--wah! wah, gooroo!" he cried, + And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride. + +THE MOANING OF THE BARDS. + + No moaning of the _bards_! A pleasant quip! + No manufactured gloom to dim that far light! + Of dirge's luxury deprive my lip? + So suns might say there shall be no more starlight! + + Lamping is _not_ required at day's full noon, + Lanterns _are_ out of place in dawn's fair flush-light; + But when dark night sets in, and there's no moon, + There is a chance for stars, or even a rushlight. + + No moaning of the bards? That were hard lines + For minor line-spinners, imperial TENNYSON! + Owls only have their chance when day declines, + That's why the night-birds crown thee with prompt benison. + + LEWIS has wailed and warbled--twiddlingly: + ALFRED has--rootley-tootlely--wailed and warbled; + WILLIAM's young Muse hath wept--then why not Me, + Whose brow, not less than theirs, with woe is marbled? + + ROBERT and AUSTIN (DOBSON) took their turns; + There is some talk, too, of Sir THEODORE MARTIN. + Seeing _my_ lips, too, thrill, _my_ heart, too, burns, + Why the great contest should I take no part in! + + May be I do not carry guns enough + To epically glorify King ARTHUR, + But I have penned some reams of rhythmic stuff + Concerning (please admire the rhyme!) SIDDARTHA. + + (That, as an "assonance," is quite as good + As "_sang_ it," and "_began_ it.") Ornamental + And Eastern Mythos draws me; but I'm good + At "Poems National and Non-Oriental." + + I love the Hindoos, I adore the Japs; + I'm fond of scraps of Oriental lingo; + Yet I'm a patriot, and have hymned, perhaps, + As much as most, my native god, great Jingo! + + I think a Muse with twinkly almond orbs, + Would--as a change--in England prove most fetching; + Is it not plain Jap Art our Art ahsorbs! + Why not in singing, then, as well as sketching? + + I'm sure my "GEISHA" is as good a girl + As _Vivien_, or _Faustine_, or e'en _Dolores_. + Is she more frail, less fair, that perfect pearl + Of Singing Girls, Xipangu's great'st of glories? + + Knocks her nice little flat nose on the floor, + In Japanese politeness, my "Half Jewel." + ALGERNON's nymphs, in song or in _amour_ + Are always coarse and generally cruel. + + "_Pearls of the Faith_," is a most pious work, + Although AL-MUTAHALI is the stringer. + But only he who hates "The Unspeakable Turk," + On _that_ account would blame the Christian singer! + + "Lotus and Jewel!" Doesn't that sound nice? + My mild Jap Muse _may_ be a roguey-poguey; + But there's no stimulus to pleasant vice + About a holy Brahman or chaste Yogi. + + "Land of the Rising Sun," delightful "Third + Kingdom of Merry Dreams," of you I'm amorous. + Must _that_ exclude me from the Wreath? Absurd! + I'm prettily pious, and I'm gently glamorous. + + My Knighthood proves that I am quite O.K., + My dear _D.T._ will answer for my morals; + I'm steeped in Sanscrit lore, and so must say + I can't see why I should not wear the laurels! + + "Quite so," said _Punch_. "I like your rhyme--and cheek; + Still, there be others yet to hear--next week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON. + +_The Governess_. "And now, what is a Parable, Effie?" + +_Effie_ (_who has got rather muddled_). "A Parable? Oh, of course, a +Parable is a Heavenly story with an Earthly meaning!"] + + * * * * * + +APOLOGIA ARRYGATENSIS.--"'ARRY in Arrygate" was so much sought +after everywhere that it was thought _Mr. Punch_ could not possibly +supply the great demand for this article with sufficient celerity +and dispatch. Hence it happened that the _Harrogate Advertiser_ +enthusiastically reproduced the entire article as published in _Mr. +Punch's_ pages, without saying "with your leave, or by your leave," +to the Proprietors representing _Mr. Punch_. So, _Mr. Punch_, always +kindly and courteous, was compelled in this instance to "know the +reason why." Whereupon _The Harrogate Advertiser_ acknowledged that it +did not "harrogate to itself" any sort of right to republish wholesale +without acknowledgment anything that has appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ +pages, and at once handsomely apologised for this instance of +priggishness quite unprecedented in the _Harrogate Advertiser's_ +columns (_Vide Harrogate Advertiser_, October 15). _Box_ and _Cox_ are +satisfied. _Causa flnita est. Vive_ 'ARRY! Likewise 'Arrygate! And, +know, all men, by these presents, that _Mr. P._ is quite wide-awake. + + * * * * * + +ANECDOTAGE.--Said the Old Parliamentary Hand, entering Christ Church, +"I prefer _this_ House to the other!" It was _the_ success of the +visit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COOL HAND. + +_Irrepressible Pupil_. "Poor Stuff, Sir, this Virgil. Don't you think +so?" + +_Suffering Coach_ (_who can scarcely believe his ears_). "Poor Stuff, +Sir! Virgil--poor Stuff! _What do you mean_?" + +_Irrepressible Pupil_ (_unmoved_). "Seems to me, Sir, it's merely a +Literal Translation of some of the best English Cribs!"] + + * * * * * + +LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES! + + ["It is to be sincerely hoped that there is no truth in + the rumour that a paper for children will shortly make its + appearance, entirely written and illustrated by children under + fifteen years of age."--_St. James's Gazette, October 12th._] + + Why, churlish critic, do you hope sincerely + The rumour, which you mention, is untrue? + Mere prejudice makes you regard severely + The cause of liberty which we pursue. + We are, _The Prattler_ will establish clearly, + Quite competent to edit a review; + The age of greatest wisdom will be seen + To be decidedly below fifteen. + + _We_ never showed, as we need hardly mention, + That fabled ignorance about the stars, + From earliest days we spoke about 'declension,' + And argued on the atmosphere of Mars; + While parents we put up with, more attention + We paid towards another kind of "pars."; + Full soon was lit the journalistic flame,-- + We lisped in leaders, for the leaders came. + + That foolish custom, which, at present smothers + Our youthful genius, we shall supersede. + Here are some papers which, with many others, + Will make _The Prattler_ eminent indeed;-- + A series on "The Management of Mothers," + Will meet, we hope, a long-experienced need; + Elsewhere we'll note, in some attractive way, + The latest long-clothes fashion of the day. + + Instruction in the art of window-breaking, + And modes to tame a fiery governess, + Descriptions of perambulator-making-- + No need on details to lay further stress, + You'll own our journalistic undertaking, + Must prove an unequivocal success; + While you, who uttered this untimely sneer, + Will blush, apologise, and disappear! + + * * * * * + +MY FIRST BRIEF. + +[Illustration] + + When you, my first brief, were delivered, + Every fibre in me quivered + With delight. I seemed to see + Myself admitted a Q.C.; + Piles of briefs upon the table, + More work to do than I was able; + Clients scrambling for advice, + Then LORD CHANCELLOR in a trice. + + I seized my virgin pencil blue, + Marked and perused you through and through. + The story brief, instructions short, + Defendant in a County Court, + It needed not an ounce of sense + To see that you had no defence. + But, erudite in English law, + I fashioned bricks without the straw. + + Around my chamber-floor I sped. + Harangued the book-case on each head; + DEMOSTHENES and CICERO + On hearing me had cried a go. + Then I must own that I was nettled-- + Out of Court the case was settled. + All my points were left unmade, + And the fee is left unpaid. + + * * * * * + +POLITE LEARNING. + + [Professor LOMBROSO writes in the _Revue des Revues_ that all + women are liars. Mr. VICTOR HORSLEY writes in the _Times_ that + one of Miss COBBE's statements is a lie.] + + Shameful, shocking, rude Professor! + CRICHTON BROWNE--your predecessor + In attacks, would-be suppressor + Of the higher + Education--once compared them + To the Pantaloon, and scared them, + But he was polite, and spared them + Words like "liar." + + Lie, indeed! There is a middle + Course--say "fib" or "tarradiddle," + "Not quite true," "A sort of riddle + Facts to smother." + We, who love the fair romancer-- + Be she talker, singer, dancer, + What you will, she's sweet--we answer, + "You're another!" + + As for you, rough Mr. HORSLEY, + Arguing so very coarsely, + May I say yours is a worse lie,-- + Rhyming badly? + You, so skilled in vivisection, + Could cut up Miss COBBE's objection, + With your tongue in some subjection, + Not thus madly. + + Why, LOMBROSO would despise you, + Though he is so rude. These "lies" you + Freely write make folks surmise you + An impostor, + Not the lady. You've not "licked" her. + (Slang to suit you) though you're VICTOR. + Since you stoop to contradict her + Like a coster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S SHOOTING-PARTY.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OUT OF SEASON.--MY CARETAKER. + +[Illustration] + + A mysterious thing + For our commonplace day, + Is the lady I sing + In the following lay. + + While I'm shooting the grouse, + Or enjoying the sea, + She takes care of my house + For a nominal fee. + + For ten shillings a-week + Does this wonderful woman + Undertake, so to speak, + An existence inhuman. + + Like their dwellings the rabbits + Deep in darkling retreats, + This weird widow inhabits + Subterranean seats. + + What with humour "contrary," + Or ironic despair, + She denominates "airey"-- + From its absence of air! + + It would give _me_ the blues + Household gods to uphold + With a _Lloyd's Weekly News_ + Of some fifty days old. + + In a Stygian gloom, + Far from sun and ozone, + She sits locked in her room, + Uncompanioned, alone. + + At a knock, at a call + How she shivers and starts! + She's "that nervous"--and "Hall + Of 'er fambly 'as 'earts." + + Not till gloaming obscure + Cools hot London at last, + Hies she forth to procure + Her ideal repast. + + "_A red 'erring, an inion, + Just of dripping a bite_" + --This is not my opinion, + Hers _verbatim_ I cite. + + But I fancy, though loth to + Thus detract from her merits, + (And I've her solemn oath too!) + That she's "partial to sperrits." + + For once suddenly coming + (She supposed me away) + I was struck by her humming + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + + And not humming it only; + Also _dancing_ the same,-- + This bereaved, honest, lonely + Deferential dame! + + "_Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay!_" + In my desolate hall; + I, though prone to be gay, + Didn't like it at all. + + "Which," she said, "it was Fits-- + The Sint Biteus"--her fling!-- + Yes! The Caretaker, it's + A mysterious thing. + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +LUNCH (CONTINUED). + +How well I remember a certain day in the by-gone years, when for the +first time a great truth suddenly burst upon me in all its glory. The +morning's sport had been unsuccessful. We were all fairly tired, and +some of us, in spite of the moderate temperature, were perspiring +freely. For we had been walking up late partridges most of the +morning, with just an occasional shot here and there at pheasants in +covert. Now, late partridges are perhaps the least amenable of created +things. They cherish a perfectly ridiculous conviction that nature, +in endowing them with life, intended that they should preserve it, +and consequently they hold it to be their one aim and object to fly, +whirring and cheeping, out of sight, long before even an enthusiastic +shot could have a chance of proving to them how beautifully a bird can +be missed. For some reason or other, our host had refused or had been +unable to drive the birds. One result was that we had tramped and +tramped and tramped, getting only rare shots, and doing but little +execution. Another result was, that the place was simply littered +with lost tempers, and we sat down to lunch very much out of conceit +with ourselves, our guns, our cartridges, the keepers, the dogs, and +everything else. The pleasant array of plates and glasses, and the +savoury odours of the meats mitigated, but did not dispel the frowns. +Then suddenly there dropped down amongst us, as it were from the +sky, the Great Woodcock Saga. In a moment the events of the morning +were forgotten, brows cleared, tempers were picked up, and an eager +hilarity reigned over the company, while the adventures of the +wonderful bird were pursued from tree to tree, from clump to clump, +through all the zig-zags of his marvellous flight, until he finally +vanished triumphantly into the unknown. + +Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this way:--First +of all suppose that a woodcock has shown himself somewhere or other +during the morning. If he was seen it follows, as the day follows +the night, (1), that _everybody_ shot at him at the most fantastic +distances without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the +party; (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that +everybody, though having, according to his own version, been +especially careful himself, has been placed in imminent peril by the +recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw himself flat on +his face to avoid death; and (5), that the woodcock is not really a +bird at all, but a devil. The following is suggested as an example of +Woodcock-dialogue, the scene being laid at lunch:-- + +[Illustration] + +_First Sportsman_ (_pausing in his attack on a plateful of curried +rabbit_). By Jupiter! that was a smartish woodcock. I never saw the +beggar till he all but flew into my face, and then away he went, like +a streak of greased lightning. I let him have both barrels; but I +might as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I fancy I tickled him up +with my left. + +_Second Sportsman_ (_a stout, jovial man, breaking in_). Tickled _him_ +up! By gum, I thought _I_ was going to be tickled up, I tell you. Shot +was flying all round me--bang! bang! all over the place. I loosed +off twice at him, and then went down, to avoid punishment. Haven't a +notion what became of him. + +_Third Sportsman_ (_choking with laughter at the recollection_). I saw +you go down, old cock. First go off, I thought you were hit: but, when +you got that old face of yours up, and began to holler "Wor guns!" +as if you meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn't much +the matter with _you_. Just look at him, you chaps. Do you think an +ordinary charge of shot would go through _that_? Not likely. + +_Fourth Sportsman_ (_military man_). Gad, it was awful! I'd rather be +bucketed about by EVELYN WOOD for a week than face another woodcock. I +heard 'em shoutin', "Woodcock forward! Woodcock back! Woodcock to the +right! Woodcock to the left! Mark--mark!" Gad! thinks I to myself, the +bally place must be full of 'em. Just then out he came, as sly as be +blowed. My old bundook went off of its own accord. I bagged the best +part of an oak tree, and, after that, I scooted. Things were gettin' +just a shade too warm, by gad! A reg'lar hail-storm, that's what it +was. No, thank you, thinks I; not for this party--I'm off to cover. So +that's all _I_ know about it. Thanks, TOMMY--do you mind handin' round +that beer-jug? + +_First Sportsman_ (_rallying him_). Just think of that. And we're all +of us taxed to keep a chap like that in comfort. Why you're _paid_ +to be shot at--that's what you're _there_ for, you and your thin red +line, and all that. By Jupiter! we don't get our money's worth out +of you if you're going to cut and run before a poor, weak, harmless +woodcock. + + [_Military Sportsman is heavily chaffed._ + +_Military Sportsman_. Oh, it's all very well for you Johnnies to gas +like that--but, by Gad, you didn't seem over-anxious to stand fire +yourselves. Why your teeth are chattering still, BINKS. + +_Binks_. Ah, but I'm only a poor civilian. + +_Military Sportsman_. Well, I cut and ran as a civilian. See? Did +anyone shoot the bloomin' bird, after all? + +_The Host_. _Shoot_ him? I should think not. The last I saw of him he +was sailing off quite comfortable, cocking snooks at the whole lot. +Have another go of pie, JOHNNY? + +So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of which +every sportsman is bound to recognise. And the great truth that +burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore good temper to a +shattered party, you must start talking about woodcocks. If you saw +a woodcock in the morning, talk about that one. If not, begin about +the woodcock you saw last week, or the woodcock somebody else missed +the week before. But whatever you do, always keep a woodcock for +a (metaphorically) rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you +shoot, and watch the effect. + + * * * * * + +"GRIEVANCES OF CIVIL SERVANTS."--Sir, seeing this heading in the +_Times_ to a letter which I didn't stop to read, I can only say, for +my part, that us servants as is really civil ought not never to have +any "grievancies." Tips is the reward to "_civil_ servants."--Yours, +THE BUTLER. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, OCTOBER 29, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15605.txt or 15605.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/6/0/15605 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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