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diff --git a/15599-h/15599-h.htm b/15599-h/15599-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b844a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/15599-h/15599-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9658 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, by Ambrose Bierce</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + +p.letter {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + + .address {margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + .sender {margin-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 1em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i20 {display: block; margin-left: 10em;} + .poem span.i30 {display: block; margin-left: 15em;} + +a:link {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:hover {color:red} + + </style> +</head> + +<body> + +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8<br /> + Epigrams, On With the Dance, Negligible Tales</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Ambrose Bierce</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: April 11, 2005 [eBook #15599]<br /> +[Most recently updated: January 30, 2022]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII ***</div> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/image001.jpg" + width="381" + height="640" + alt="Title Page" /> + </div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h1>THE COLLECTED<br/> +WORKS OF<br/> +AMBROSE BIERCE</h1> + + <h2>VOLUME VIII</h2> + + <h2>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</h2> + + <h2>ON WITH THE DANCE</h2> + + <h2>EPIGRAMS</h2> + + <h3>NEW YORK + <br/> + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + <br/> + 1966</h3> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h4>Originally Published 1911 + <br/> + Reprinted 1966</h4> + + <h4>Published by + <br/> + GORDIAN PRESS, INC.</h4> + + <h4>Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638</h4> + + <h4>Printed in the U.S.A. by + <br/> + EDWARD BROTHERS INC. + <br/> + Ann Arbor, Michigan</h4> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<table summary="" style=""> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01"><b>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE">A Bottomless Grave</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#JUPITER_DOKE_BRIGADIER_GENERAL">Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-General</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE">The Widower Turmore</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_CITY_OF_THE_GONE_AWAY">The City of the Gone Away</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_MAJORS_TALE">The Major's Tale</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CURRIED_COW">Curried Cow</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS">A Revolt of the Gods</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BAPTISM_OF_DOBSHO">The Baptism of Dobsho</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_RACE_AT_LEFT_BOWER">The Race at Left Bower</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_FAILURE_OF_HOPE_WANDEL">The Failure of Hope & Wandel</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#PERRY_CHUMLYS_ECLIPSE">Perry Chumly's Eclipse</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_PROVIDENTIAL_INTIMATION">A Providential Intimation</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MR_SWIDDLERS_FLIP_FLAP">Mr. Swiddler's Flip-Flap</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_LITTLE_STORY">The Little Story</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02"><b>THE PARENTICIDE CLUB</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MY_FAVORITE_MURDER">My Favorite Murder</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#OIL_OF_DOG">Oil of Dog</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#AN_IMPERFECT_CONFLAGRATION">An Imperfect Conflagration</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_HYPNOTIST">The Hypnotist</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap03"><b>THE FOURTH ESTATE</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MR_MASTHEAD_JOURNALIST">Mr. Masthead, Journalist</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#WHY_I_AM_NOT_EDITING_THE_STINGER">Why I am not Editing "The Stinger"</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CORRUPTING_THE_PRESS">Corrupting the Press</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BUBBLE_REPUTATION">"The Bubble Reputation"</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap04"><b>THE OCEAN WAVE</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION">A Shipwreckollection</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_CAPTAIN_OF_THE_CAMEL">The Captain of "The Camel"</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_MAN_OVERBOARD">The Man Overboard</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_CARGO_OF_CAT">A Cargo af Cat</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap05"><b>"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_PRUDE_IN_LETTERS_AND_LIFE">The Prude in Letters and Life</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BEATING_OF_THE_BLOOD">The Beating of the Blood</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THERE_ARE_CORNS_IN_EGYPT">There are Corns in Egypt</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_REEF_IN_THE_GABARDINE">A Reef in the Gabardine</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#ENTER_A_TROUPE_OF_ANCIENTS_DANCING">Enter a Troupe of Ancients, Dancing</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CAIRO_REVISITED">Cairo Revisited</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#JAPAN_WEAR_AND_BOMBAY_DUCKS">Japan Wear and Bombay Ducks</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#IN_THE_BOTTOM_OF_THE_CRUCIBLE">In the Bottom of the Crucible</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#COUNSEL_FOR_THE_DEFENSE">Counsel for the Defense</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THEY_ALL_DANCE">They all Dance</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#LUST_QUOTH_A">Lust, Quoth'a</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#OUR_GRANDMOTHERS_LEGS">Our Grandmothers' Legs</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#EPIGRAMS"><b>EPIGRAMS</b></a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + <h2><a name="chap01"></a>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE" id="A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE"></a>A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE</h2> + + <p>My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a + patent for an invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; + but he was an honest man and would not himself engage in the + manufacture. He was, therefore, only moderately wealthy, his + royalties from his really valuable invention bringing him + hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation with rogues + guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed by + the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had + it not been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all + my brothers and sisters and personally supervised my education, + should have grown up in ignorance and been compelled to teach + school. To be the favorite child of a good woman is better than + gold.</p> + + <p>When I was nineteen years of age my father had the + misfortune to die. He had always had perfect health, and his + death, which occurred at the dinner table without a moment's + warning, surprised no one more than himself. He had that very + morning been notified that a patent had been granted him for a + device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure, without + noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most + ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that + had ever been submitted to him, and my father had naturally + looked forward to an old age of prosperity and honor. His + sudden death was, therefore, a deep disappointment to him; but + my mother, whose piety and resignation to the will of Heaven + were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently less + affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body + had been removed from the floor, she called us all into an + adjoining room and addressed us as follows:</p> + + <p>"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just + witnessed is one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good + man's life, and one in which I take little pleasure, I assure + you. I beg you to believe that I had no hand in bringing it + about. Of course," she added, after a pause, during which her + eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is better + that he is dead."</p> + + <p>She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness + as a self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to + brave her surprise by asking an explanation. My mother's air of + surprise when any of us went wrong in any way was very terrible + to us. One day, when in a fit of peevish temper, I had taken + the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her simple words, "John, + you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof that after + a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself + at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising + you." So now we all—including the one-eared + baby—felt that it would keep matters smoother to accept + without question the statement that it was better, somehow, for + our dear father to be dead. My mother continued:</p> + + <p>"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and + mysterious death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut + the body into pieces and submit them to a number of men who, + having inspected them, pronounce the person dead. For this the + Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish to avoid that painful + formality in this instance; it is one which never had the + approval of—of the remains. John"—here my mother + turned her angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very + discreet. You have now an opportunity to show your gratitude + for all the sacrifices that your education has entailed upon + the rest of us. John, go and remove the Coroner."</p> + + <p>Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's + confidence, and by the chance to distinguish myself by an act + that squared with my natural disposition, I knelt before her, + carried her hand to my lips and bathed it with tears of + sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had removed + the Coroner.</p> + + <p>I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I + passed a most uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep + because of the profanity of my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, + whose theological training had given them a fertility of + impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language altogether + unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who, + sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, + entered the cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend + gentlemen that if he heard any more swearing their sacred + calling would not prevent him from turning them into the + street. After that they moderated their objectionable + conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the + peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence.</p> + + <p>The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, + sitting as a committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary + examination. I pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I + had murdered was a notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a + Republican, and from early childhood I had been carefully + instructed by her in the principles of honest government and + the necessity of suppressing factional opposition.) The Judge, + elected by a Republican ballot-box with a sliding bottom, was + visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and offered me a + cigarette.</p> + + <p>"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I + do not deem it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. + Under the law of the land you sit here as a committing + magistrate. It is therefore your duty to commit. Testimony and + argument alike would imply a doubt that your Honor means to + perform your sworn duty. That is my case."</p> + + <p>My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and + said: "May it please the Court, my learned friend on the other + side has so well and eloquently stated the law governing in + this case that it only remains for me to inquire to what extent + it has been already complied with. It is true, your Honor is a + committing magistrate, and as such it is your duty to + commit—what? That is a matter which the law has wisely + and justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have + discharged already every obligation that the law imposes. Since + I have known your Honor you have done nothing but commit. You + have committed embracery, theft, arson, perjury, adultery, + murder—every crime in the calendar and every excess known + to the sensual and depraved, including my learned friend, the + District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a + committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this + worthy young man, my client, I move that he be discharged."</p> + + <p>An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the + black cap and in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to + life and liberty. Then turning to my counsel he said, coldly + but significantly:</p> + + <p>"I will see you later."</p> + + <p>The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously + defended me against a charge of murdering his own + brother—with whom he had a quarrel about some + land—had disappeared and his fate is to this day + unknown.</p> + + <p>In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly + buried at midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with + his late boots on and the contents of his late stomach + unanalyzed. "He was opposed to display," said my dear mother, + as she finished tamping down the earth above him and assisted + the children to litter the place with straw; "his instincts + were all domestic and he loved a quiet life."</p> + + <p>My mother's application for letters of administration stated + that she had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, + for he had not come home to his meals for several days; but the + Judge of the Crowbait Court—as she ever afterward + contemptuously called it—decided that the proof of death + was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of the + Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that + the liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was + left only the patent for the device for bursting open safes + without noise, by hydraulic pressure and this had passed into + the ownership of the Probate Judge and the Public + Administrator—as my dear mother preferred to spell it. + Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable family + was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to + go to work.</p> + + <p>In the selection of occupations we were governed by a + variety of considerations, such as personal fitness, + inclination, and so forth. My mother opened a select private + school for instruction in the art of changing the spots upon + leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George Henry, who had a + turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum for + deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor + Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral + springs, and I set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams + for gibbets. The other children, too young for labor, continued + to steal small articles exposed in front of shops, as they had + been taught.</p> + + <p>In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our + house and buried the bodies in a cellar.</p> + + <p>In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and + provisions. From the rapidity of their disappearance we + acquired the superstitious belief that the spirits of the + persons buried there came at dead of night and held a festival. + It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we would + discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such + débris, littering the place, although it had been securely + locked and barred against human intrusion. It was proposed to + remove the provisions and store them elsewhere, but our dear + mother, always generous and hospitable, said it was better to + endure the loss than risk exposure: if the ghosts were denied + this trifling gratification they might set on foot an + investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division + of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into + the single industry pursued by me—we might all decorate + the cross-beams of gibbets. We accepted her decision with + filial submission, due to our reverence for her wordly wisdom + and the purity of her character.</p> + + <p>One night while we were all in the cellar—none dared + to enter it alone—engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of + an adjoining town the solemn offices of Christian burial, my + mother and the younger children, holding a candle each, while + George Henry and I labored with a spade and pick, my sister + Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with her + hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's + obsequies were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and + in trembling tones we begged her to say what had alarmed her. + The younger children were so agitated that they held their + candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows of our figures + danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls and + flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of + the dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now + extinguished by some floating shadow, appeared at each + emergence to have taken on a new and more forbidding + expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more than + ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about + the place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of + some distant corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green + light, matching the faint phosphorescence of decay that filled + the half-dug grave and seemed the visible manifestation of that + faint odor of mortality which tainted the unwholesome air. The + children now sobbed and clung about the limbs of their elders, + dropping their candles, and we were near being left in total + darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled + upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the + grave like a fountain.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been + thrown out of the excavation, had removed her hands from her + face and was staring with expanded eyes into an obscure space + between two wine casks.</p> + + <p>"There it is!—there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; + "God in heaven! can't you see it?"</p> + + <p>And there indeed it was!—a human figure, dimly + discernible in the gloom—a figure that wavered from side + to side as if about to fall, clutching at the wine-casks for + support, had stepped unsteadily forward and for one moment + stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles; then it + surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we + had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our + father—dead these ten months and buried by our own + hands!—our father indubitably risen and ghastly + drunk!</p> + + <p>On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that + horrible place—on the extinction of all human sentiment + in that tumultuous, mad scramble up the damp and mouldy + stairs—slipping, falling, pulling one another down and + clambering over one another's back—the lights + extinguished, babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong + brothers and hurled backward to death by a mother's + arm!—on all this I do not dare to dwell. My mother, my + eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others remained + below, to perish of their wounds, or of their + terror—some, perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we + four, hastily gathering together what money and jewels we had + and what clothing we could carry, fired the dwelling and fled + by its light into the hills. We did not even pause to collect + the insurance, and my dear mother said on her death-bed, years + afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin of + omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy + man, assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would + pardon the neglect.</p> + + <p>About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my + childhood I, then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to + the spot with a view to obtaining, if possible, some treasure + belonging to us, which had been buried in the cellar. I may say + that I was unsuccessful: the discovery of many human bones in + the ruins had set the authorities digging for more. They had + found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The house + had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a + desolation. So many unearthly sights and sounds had been + reported thereabout that nobody would live there. As there was + none to question nor molest, I resolved to gratify my filial + piety by gazing once more upon the face of my beloved father, + if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still in his + grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous + diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since + his death, I had reason to think he might have been buried in + it. Procuring a spade, I soon located the grave in what had + been the backyard and began digging. When I had got down about + four feet the whole bottom fell out of the grave and I was + precipitated into a large drain, falling through a long hole in + its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of + one.</p> + + <p>Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the + drain, and having with some difficulty removed a mass of + charred rubbish and blackened masonry that choked it, emerged + into what had been that fateful cellar.</p> + + <p>All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be + "taken bad" at his meal (and I think my sainted mother could + have thrown some light upon that matter) had indubitably been + buried alive. The grave having been accidentally dug above the + forgotten drain, and down almost to the crown of its arch, and + no coffin having been used, his struggles on reviving had + broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through, escaping + finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his + own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean + seclusion, a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our + providence. It was he who had eaten our food; it was he who had + drunk our wine—he was no better than a thief! In a moment + of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that need of + companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a + drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment + at a strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable + consequences upon those nearest and dearest to him—a + blunder that had almost the dignity of crime.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="JUPITER_DOKE_BRIGADIER_GENERAL"></a>JUPITER DOKE, + BRIGADIER-GENERAL</h2> + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to the Hon. + Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads, Posey County, + Illinois.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861.</p> + + <p>Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President + has been pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of + volunteers. Do you accept?</p> + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861.</p> + + <p>It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one + which should be neither sought nor declined. In times that try + men's souls the patriot knows no North, no South, no East, no + West. His motto should be: "My country, my whole country and + nothing but my country." I accept the great trust confided in + me by a free and intelligent people, and with a firm reliance + on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking the + guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall + labor so to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political + escutcheon. Say to his Excellency, the successor of the + immortal Washington in the Seat of Power, that the patronage of + my office will be bestowed with an eye single to securing the + greatest good to the greatest number, the stability of + republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all + elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my + sacred honor. I shall at once prepare an appropriate response + to the speech of the chairman of the committee deputed to + inform me of my appointment, and I trust the sentiments therein + expressed will strike a sympathetic chord in the public heart, + as well as command the Executive approval.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to Major-General + Blount Wardorg, Commanding the Military Department of Eastern + Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861.</p> + + <p>I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter + Doke, who will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little + Buttermilk River, and take command of the Illinois Brigade at + that point, reporting to you by letter for orders. Is the route + from Covington by way of Bluegrass, Opossum Corners and + Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as reported in your + last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861.</p> + + <p>The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are + unfamiliar to me, but I shall be pleased to have the advantage + of his skill. The route from Covington to Distilleryville + <i>via</i> Opossum Corners and Horsecave I have been compelled + to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made it + possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from + the front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by + steamboats up the Little Buttermilk.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to + Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan, Illinois.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861.</p> + + <p>I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by + mail before the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we + must dispense with the formality of official notification to + you by a committee. The President is highly gratified by the + noble and patriotic sentiments of your letter, and directs that + you proceed at once to your command at Distilleryville, + Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General Wardorg + at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest + secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have + passed Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front + of Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then + if your approach is known it will operate as a demonstration + against his right and cause him to strengthen it with his left + now at Memphis, Tennessee, which it is desirable to capture + first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum Corners and Horsecave. + All officers are expected to be in full uniform when <i>en + route</i> to the front.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861.</p> + + <p>I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy + to Joel Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch + Republican, who will worthily represent Posey County in field + and forum. He points with pride to a stainless record in the + halls of legislation, which have often echoed to his + soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very + foundation of popular government. He has been called the + Patrick Henry of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in + the cause of civil and religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for + Distilleryville last evening, and the standard bearer of the + Democratic host confronting that stronghold of freedom will + find him a lion in his path. I have been asked to remain here + and deliver some addresses to the people in a local contest + involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being + performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate + and move in the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my + ships behind me. I forward by this mail to his Excellency the + President a request for the appointment of my son, Jabez + Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I would take it, sir, + as a great favor if you would give the application a strong + oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. + Be kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the + office I hold in the military arm, and if they are by salary or + fees. Are there any perquisites? My mileage account will be + transmitted monthly.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to + Major General Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, + 1862.</p> + + <p>I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the + recent storms having inundated the landscape, covering, I + understand, the greater part of a congressional district. I am + pained to find that Joel Briller, Esq., a prominent citizen of + Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing statesman who held my + proxy, and who a month ago should have been thundering at the + gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has doubtless + been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the + American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully + move that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of + respect to his memory, and that the office holders and men + under your command wear the usual badge of mourning for thirty + days. I shall at once place myself at the head of affairs here, + and am now ready to entertain any suggestions which you may + make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in this + commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the + river appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have + two large cannons facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am + told, some of them came down to the water's edge and remained + in session for some time, making infamous allegations.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Diary of Brigadier-General + Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville, Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p>January 12, 1862.—On my arrival yesterday at the Henry + Clay Hotel (named in honor of the late far-seeing statesman) I + was waited on by a delegation consisting of the three colonels + intrusted with the command of the regiments of my brigade. It + was an occasion that will be memorable in the political annals + of America. Forwarded copies of the speeches to the Posey + <i>Maverick</i>, to be spread upon the record of the ages. The + gentlemen composing the delegation unanimously reaffirmed their + devotion to the principles of national unity and the Republican + party. Was gratified to recognize in them men of political + prominence and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequent + banquet, sentiments of lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote + to Mr. Wardorg at Louisville for instructions.</p> + + <p>January 13, 1862.—Leased a prominent residence (the + former incumbent being absent in arms against his country) for + the term of one year, and wrote at once for Mrs. + Brigadier-General Doke and the vital issues—excepting + Jabez Leonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here there are + supposed to be three thousand misguided men laying the ax at + the root of the tree of liberty. They have a clear majority, + many of our men having returned without leave to their + constituents. We could probably not poll more than two thousand + votes. Have advised my heads of regiments to make a canvass of + those remaining, all bolters to be read out of the phalanx.</p> + + <p>January 14, 1862.—Wrote to the President, asking for + the contract to supply this command with firearms and regalia + through my brother-in-law, prominently identified with the + manufacturing interests of the country. Club of cannon soldiers + arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, on their way to + join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to Jayhawk to + escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for the + opposing party, opened fire on the head of the procession and + by the extraordinary noise of the cannon balls (I had no + conception of it!) so frightened my horse that I was unseated + without a contest. The meeting adjourned in disorder and + returning to camp I found that a deputation of the enemy had + crossed the river in our absence and made a division of the + loaves and fishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the + Gubernatorial Chair of the Territory of Idaho.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Editorial Article in the Posey, + Illinois, "Maverick," January 20, 1862.</i></p> + + <p>Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another + column, of the Battle of Distilleryville will make the heart of + every loyal Illinoisian leap with exultation. The brilliant + exploit marks an era in military history, and as General Doke + says, "lays broad and deep the foundations of American prowess + in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except the gallant + author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, + he justly considered that a list of the fallen would only + occupy our valuable space to the exclusion of more important + matter, but his account of the strategic ruse by which he + apparently abandoned his camp and so inveigled a perfidious + enemy into it for the purpose of murdering the sick, the + unfortunate <i>countertempus</i> at Jayhawk, the subsequent + dash upon a trapped enemy flushed with a supposed success, + driving their terrified legions across an impassable river + which precluded pursuit—all these "moving accidents by + flood and field" are related with a pen of fire and have all + the terrible interest of romance.</p> + + <p>Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is + mightier than the sword. When by the graphic power of the art + preservative of all arts we are brought face to face with such + glorious events as these, the <i>Maverick's</i> enterprise in + securing for its thousands of readers the services of so + distinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made the + history as well as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary + importance. For President in 1864 (subject to the decision of + the Republican National Convention) Brigadier-General Jupiter + Doke, of Illinois!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to + Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, January 22, 1862.</p> + + <p>Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville + was delayed in transmission, having only just been received + (open) through the courtesy of the Confederate department + commander under a flag of truce. He begs me to assure you that + he would consider it an act of cruelty to trouble you, and I + think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening attitude, + but at the least pressure retire. Your position is simply an + outpost which it is not intended to hold.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, January 23, 1862.</p> + + <p>I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated + twenty thousand troops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. + According to your assignment, General Doke is in command of the + small brigade of raw troops opposing them. It is no part of my + plan to contest the enemy's advance at that point, but I cannot + hold myself responsible for any reverses to the brigade + mentioned, under its present commander. I think him a fool.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to Major-General + Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, February 1, 1862.</p> + + <p>The President has great faith in General Doke. If your + estimate of him is correct, however, he would seem to be + singularly well placed where he now is, as your plans appear to + contemplate a considerable sacrifice for whatever advantages + you expect to gain.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to + Major-General Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">DISTILLERYVILLE, February 1, 1862.</p> + + <p>To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order + to point the way whenever my brigade retires from + Distilleryville, as foreshadowed by your letter of the 22d ult. + I have appointed a Committee on Retreat, the minutes of whose + first meeting I transmit to you. You will perceive that the + committee having been duly organized by the election of a + chairman and secretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) was + adopted, to the effect that in case treason again raises her + hideous head on this side of the river every man of the brigade + is to mount a mule, the procession to move promptly in the + direction of Louisville and the loyal North. In preparation for + such an emergency I have for some time been collecting mules + from the resident Democracy, and have on hand 2300 in a field + at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, + C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">BUNG STATION, KENTUCKY, February 4, + 1862.</p> + + <p>On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting + of 25,000 men and thirty-two field pieces, under command of + Major-General Simmons B. Flood, crossed by a ford to the north + side of Little Buttermilk River at a point three miles above + Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and away from the + stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the object + being, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati + and occupy the Ohio Valley. For some months there had been in + our front only a small brigade of undisciplined troops, + apparently without a commander, who were useful to us, for by + not disturbing them we could create an impression of our + weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated them, I + was about to detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my + division being the leading one, when an earth-shaking rumble + was felt and heard, and suddenly the head-of-column was struck + by one of the terrible tornadoes for which this region is + famous, and utterly annihilated. The tornado, I believe, passed + along the entire length of the road back to the ford, + dispersing or destroying our entire army; but of this I cannot + be sure, for I was lifted from the earth insensible and blown + back to the south side of the river. Continuous firing all + night on the north side and the reports of such of our men as + have recrossed at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigade + has exterminated the disabled survivors. Our loss has been + uncommonly heavy. Of my own division of 15,000 infantry, the + casualties—killed, wounded, captured, and + missing—are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow's + division, 11,200 strong, I can find but two officers and a + nigger cook. Of the artillery, 800 men, none has reported on + this side of the river. General Flood is dead. I have assumed + command of the expeditionary force, but owing to the heavy + losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line of supplies + as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow + morning early. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet + but partly accomplished.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Dolliver Billows, + C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">BUHAC, KENTUCKY, February 5, 1862.</p> + + <p>... But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been + reinforced by fifty thousand cavalry, and being apprised of our + movement by a spy, this vast body was drawn up in the darkness + at Jayhawk, and as the head of our column reached that point at + about 11 P.M., fell upon it with astonishing fury, destroying + the division of General Buxter in an instant. General + Baumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the rear, may + have escaped—I did not wait to see, but withdrew my + division to the river at a point several miles above the ford, + and at daylight ferried it across on two fence rails lashed + together with a suspender. Its losses, from an effective + strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General Buxter is dead. I am + changing my base to Mobile, Alabama.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Schneddeker + Baumschank, C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of + War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">IODINE, KENTUCKY, February 6, 1862.</p> + + <p>... Yoost den somdings occur, I know nod vot it + vos—somdings mackneefcent, but it vas nod vor—und I + finds meinselluf, afder leedle viles, in dis blace, midout a + hors und mit no men und goons. Sheneral Peelows is deadt, You + will blease be so goot as to resign me—I vights no more + in a dam gontry vere I gets vipped und knows nod how it vos + done.</p> + + + <p><i>Resolutions of Congress</i>, February 15, 1862.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That the thanks of Congress are due, and + hereby tendered, to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the + gallant men under his command for their unparalleled feat of + attacking—themselves only 2000 strong—an army of + 25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making + prisoners of 19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, + taking 32 guns, 20,000 stand of small arms and, in short, the + enemy's entire equipment.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That for this unexampled victory the + President be requested to designate a day of thanksgiving and + public celebration of religious rites in the various + churches.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That he be requested, in further + commemoration of the great event, and in reward of the gallant + spirits whose deeds have added such imperishable lustre to the + American arms, to appoint, with the advice and consent of the + Senate, the following officer:</p> + + <p>One major-general.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton, + of Jayhawk, Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p>Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes + aint wuf shuks, but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I + cotch de mummer o' v'ices I knowed dat gang b'long on de far + side o' de ribber. So I jes' runs in de house an' wakes Marse + Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' yo' life!" An' de Lo'd + bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right fru de winder in his + shir' tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem + twenty-free hunerd mules dey jes' t'nk it is de debble hese'f + wid de brandin' iron, an' dey bu'st outen dat patch like a + yarthquake, an' pile inter de upper ford road, an' flash down + it five deep, an' it full o' Con-fed'rates from en' to + en'!...</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE" id="THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE"></a>THE WIDOWER TURMORE</h2> + + <p>The circumstances under which Joram Turmore became a widower + have never been popularly understood. I know them, naturally, + for I am Joram Turmore; and my wife, the late Elizabeth Mary + Turmore, is by no means ignorant of them; but although she + doubtless relates them, yet they remain a secret, for not a + soul has ever believed her.</p> + + <p>When I married Elizabeth Mary Johnin she was very wealthy, + otherwise I could hardly have afforded to marry, for I had not + a cent, and Heaven had not put into my heart any intention to + earn one. I held the Professorship of Cats in the University of + Graymaulkin, and scholastic pursuits had unfitted me for the + heat and burden of business or labor. Moreover, I could not + forget that I was a Turmore—a member of a family whose + motto from the time of William of Normandy has been <i>Laborare + est errare</i>. The only known infraction of the sacred family + tradition occurred when Sir Aldebaran Turmore de + Peters-Turmore, an illustrious master burglar of the + seventeenth century, personally assisted at a difficult + operation undertaken by some of his workmen. That blot upon our + escutcheon cannot be contemplated without the most poignant + mortification.</p> + + <p>My incumbency of the Chair of Cats in the Graymaulkin + University had not, of course, been marked by any instance of + mean industry. There had never, at any one time, been more than + two students of the Noble Science, and by merely repeating the + manuscript lectures of my predecessor, which I had found among + his effects (he died at sea on his way to Malta) I could + sufficiently sate their famine for knowledge without really + earning even the distinction which served in place of + salary.</p> + + <p>Naturally, under the straitened circumstances, I regarded + Elizabeth Mary as a kind of special Providence. She unwisely + refused to share her fortune with me, but for that I cared + nothing; for, although by the laws of that country (as is well + known) a wife has control of her separate property during her + life, it passes to the husband at her death; nor can she + dispose of it otherwise by will. The mortality among wives is + considerable, but not excessive.</p> + + <p>Having married Elizabeth Mary and, as it were, ennobled her + by making her a Turmore, I felt that the manner of her death + ought, in some sense, to match her social distinction. If I + should remove her by any of the ordinary marital methods I + should incur a just reproach, as one destitute of a proper + family pride. Yet I could not hit upon a suitable plan.</p> + + <p>In this emergency I decided to consult the Turmore archives, + a priceless collection of documents, comprising the records of + the family from the time of its founder in the seventh century + of our era. I knew that among these sacred muniments I should + find detailed accounts of all the principal murders committed + by my sainted ancestors for forty generations. From that mass + of papers I could hardly fail to derive the most valuable + suggestions.</p> + + <p>The collection contained also most interesting relics. There + were patents of nobility granted to my forefathers for daring + and ingenious removals of pretenders to thrones, or occupants + of them; stars, crosses and other decorations attesting + services of the most secret and unmentionable character; + miscellaneous gifts from the world's greatest conspirators, + representing an intrinsic money value beyond computation. There + were robes, jewels, swords of honor, and every kind of + "testimonials of esteem"; a king's skull fashioned into a wine + cup; the title deeds to vast estates, long alienated by + confiscation, sale, or abandonment; an illuminated breviary + that had belonged to Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore of + accursed memory; embalmed ears of several of the family's most + renowned enemies; the small intestine of a certain unworthy + Italian statesman inimical to Turmores, which, twisted into a + jumping rope, had served the youth of six kindred + generations—mementoes and souvenirs precious beyond the + appraisals of imagination, but by the sacred mandates of + tradition and sentiment forever inalienable by sale or + gift.</p> + + <p>As the head of the family, I was custodian of all these + priceless heirlooms, and for their safe keeping had constructed + in the basement of my dwelling a strong-room of massive + masonry, whose solid stone walls and single iron door could + defy alike the earthquake's shock, the tireless assaults of + Time, and Cupidity's unholy hand.</p> + + <p>To this thesaurus of the soul, redolent of sentiment and + tenderness, and rich in suggestions of crime, I now repaired + for hints upon assassination. To my unspeakable astonishment + and grief I found it empty! Every shelf, every chest, every + coffer had been rifled. Of that unique and incomparable + collection not a vestige remained! Yet I proved that until I + had myself unlocked the massive metal door, not a bolt nor bar + had been disturbed; the seals upon the lock had been + intact.</p> + + <p>I passed the night in alternate lamentation and research, + equally fruitless, the mystery was impenetrable to conjecture, + the pain invincible to balm. But never once throughout that + dreadful night did my firm spirit relinquish its high design + against Elizabeth Mary, and daybreak found me more resolute + than before to harvest the fruits of my marriage. My great loss + seemed but to bring me into nearer spiritual relations with my + dead ancestors, and to lay upon me a new and more inevitable + obedience to the suasion that spoke in every globule of my + blood.</p> + + <p>My plan of action was soon formed, and procuring a stout + cord I entered my wife's bedroom finding her, as I expected, in + a sound sleep. Before she was awake, I had her bound fast, hand + and foot. She was greatly surprised and pained, but heedless of + her remonstrances, delivered in a high key, I carried her into + the now rifled strong-room, which I had never suffered her to + enter, and of whose treasures I had not apprised her. Seating + her, still bound, in an angle of the wall, I passed the next + two days and nights in conveying bricks and mortar to the spot, + and on the morning of the third day had her securely walled in, + from floor to ceiling. All this time I gave no further heed to + her pleas for mercy than (on her assurance of non-resistance, + which I am bound to say she honorably observed) to grant her + the freedom of her limbs. The space allowed her was about four + feet by six. As I inserted the last bricks of the top course, + in contact with the ceiling of the strong-room, she bade me + farewell with what I deemed the composure of despair, and I + rested from my work, feeling that I had faithfully observed the + traditions of an ancient and illustrious family. My only bitter + reflection, so far as my own conduct was concerned, came of the + consciousness that in the performance of my design I had + labored; but this no living soul would ever know.</p> + + <p>After a night's rest I went to the Judge of the Court of + Successions and Inheritances and made a true and sworn relation + of all that I had done—except that I ascribed to a + servant the manual labor of building the wall. His honor + appointed a court commissioner, who made a careful examination + of the work, and upon his report Elizabeth Mary Turmore was, at + the end of a week, formally pronounced dead. By due process of + law I was put into possession of her estate, and although this + was not by hundreds of thousands of dollars as valuable as my + lost treasures, it raised me from poverty to affluence and + brought me the respect of the great and good.</p> + + <p>Some six months after these events strange rumors reached me + that the ghost of my deceased wife had been seen in several + places about the country, but always at a considerable distance + from Graymaulkin. These rumors, which I was unable to trace to + any authentic source, differed widely in many particulars, but + were alike in ascribing to the apparition a certain high degree + of apparent worldly prosperity combined with an audacity most + uncommon in ghosts. Not only was the spirit attired in most + costly raiment, but it walked at noonday, and even drove! I was + inexpressibly annoyed by these reports, and thinking there + might be something more than superstition in the popular belief + that only the spirits of the unburied dead still walk the + earth, I took some workmen equipped with picks and crowbars + into the now long unentered strong-room, and ordered them to + demolish the brick wall that I had built about the partner of + my joys. I was resolved to give the body of Elizabeth Mary such + burial as I thought her immortal part might be willing to + accept as an equivalent to the privilege of ranging at will + among the haunts of the living.</p> + + <p>In a few minutes we had broken down the wall and, thrusting + a lamp through the breach, I looked in. Nothing! Not a bone, + not a lock of hair, not a shred of clothing—the narrow + space which, upon my affidavit, had been legally declared to + hold all that was mortal of the late Mrs. Turmore was + absolutely empty! This amazing disclosure, coming upon a mind + already overwrought with too much of mystery and excitement, + was more than I could bear. I shrieked aloud and fell in a fit. + For months afterward I lay between life and death, fevered and + delirious; nor did I recover until my physician had had the + providence to take a case of valuable jewels from my safe and + leave the country.</p> + + <p>The next summer I had occasion to visit my wine cellar, in + one corner of which I had built the now long disused + strong-room. In moving a cask of Madeira I struck it with + considerable force against the partition wall, and was + surprised to observe that it displaced two large square stones + forming a part of the wall.</p> + + <p>Applying my hands to these, I easily pushed them out + entirely, and looking through saw that they had fallen into the + niche in which I had immured my lamented wife; facing the + opening which their fall left, and at a distance of four feet, + was the brickwork which my own hands had made for that + unfortunate gentlewoman's restraint. At this significant + revelation I began a search of the wine cellar. Behind a row of + casks I found four historically interesting but intrinsically + valueless objects:</p> + + <p>First, the mildewed remains of a ducal robe of state + (Florentine) of the eleventh century; second, an illuminated + vellum breviary with the name of Sir Aldebaran Turmore de + Peters-Turmore inscribed in colors on the title page; third, a + human skull fashioned into a drinking cup and deeply stained + with wine; fourth, the iron cross of a Knight Commander of the + Imperial Austrian Order of Assassins by Poison.</p> + + <p>That was all—not an object having commercial value, no + papers—nothing. But this was enough to clear up the + mystery of the strong-room. My wife had early divined the + existence and purpose of that apartment, and with the skill + amounting to genius had effected an entrance by loosening the + two stones in the wall.</p> + + <p>Through that opening she had at several times abstracted the + entire collection, which doubtless she had succeeded in + converting into coin of the realm. When with an unconscious + justice which deprives me of all satisfaction in the memory I + decided to build her into the wall, by some malign fatality I + selected that part of it in which were these movable stones, + and doubtless before I had fairly finished my bricklaying she + had removed them and, slipping through into the wine cellar, + replaced them as they were originally laid. From the cellar she + had easily escaped unobserved, to enjoy her infamous gains in + distant parts. I have endeavored to procure a warrant, but the + Lord High Baron of the Court of Indictment and Conviction + reminds me that she is legally dead, and says my only course is + to go before the Master in Cadavery and move for a writ of + disinterment and constructive revival. So it looks as if I must + suffer without redress this great wrong at the hands of a woman + devoid alike of principle and shame.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_CITY_OF_THE_GONE_AWAY"></a>THE CITY OF THE GONE + AWAY</h2> + + <p>I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was + twenty-three years old never knew the possibilities of + happiness latent in another person's coin. At that time + Providence threw me into a deep sleep and revealed to me in a + dream the folly of labor. "Behold," said a vision of a holy + hermit, "the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the + teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet + of straw and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The + flowers nod their heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The + lark greets you with a burst of song. The early sun sheds his + temperate beams upon you, and from the dewy grass you inhale an + atmosphere cool and grateful to your lungs. All nature seems to + salute you with the joy of a generous servant welcoming a + faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood and + your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the + plow, hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the + morn, maturing the charms of the landscape and confirming its + benediction upon your spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue + invokes repose, and seating yourself upon the earth at the end + of your furrow you expect to enjoy in fulness the delights of + which you did but taste.</p> + + <p>"Alas! the sun has climbed into a brazen sky and his beams + are become a torrent. The flowers have closed their petals, + confining their perfume and denying their colors to the eye. + Coolness no longer exhales from the grass: the dew has vanished + and the dry surface of the fields repeats the fierce heat of + the sky. No longer the birds of heaven salute you with melody, + but the jay harshly upbraids you from the edge of the copse. + Unhappy man! all the gentle and healing ministrations of nature + are denied you in punishment of your sin. You have broken the + First Commandment of the Natural Decalogue: you have + labored!"</p> + + <p>Awakening from my dream, I collected my few belongings, bade + adieu to my erring parents and departed out of that land, + pausing at the grave of my grandfather, who had been a priest, + to take an oath that never again, Heaven helping me, would I + earn an honest penny.</p> + + <p>How long I traveled I know not, but I came at last to a + great city by the sea, where I set up as a physician. The name + of that place I do not now remember, for such were my activity + and renown in my new profession that the Aldermen, moved by + pressure of public opinion, altered it, and thenceforth the + place was known as the City of the Gone Away. It is needless to + say that I had no knowledge of medicine, but by securing the + service of an eminent forger I obtained a diploma purporting to + have been granted by the Royal Quackery of Charlatanic + Empiricism at Hoodos, which, framed in immortelles and + suspended by a bit of <i>crêpe</i> to a willow in front of my + office, attracted the ailing in great numbers. In connection + with my dispensary I conducted one of the largest undertaking + establishments ever known, and as soon as my means permitted, + purchased a wide tract of land and made it into a cemetery. I + owned also some very profitable marble works on one side of the + gateway to the cemetery, and on the other an extensive flower + garden. My Mourner's Emporium was patronized by the beauty, + fashion and sorrow of the city. In short, I was in a very + prosperous way of business, and within a year was able to send + for my parents and establish my old father very comfortably as + a receiver of stolen goods—an act which I confess was + saved from the reproach of filial gratitude only by my exaction + of all the profits.</p> + + <p>But the vicissitudes of fortune are avoidable only by + practice of the sternest indigence: human foresight cannot + provide against the envy of the gods and the tireless + machinations of Fate. The widening circle of prosperity grows + weaker as it spreads until the antagonistic forces which it has + pushed back are made powerful by compression to resist and + finally overwhelm. So great grew the renown of my skill in + medicine that patients were brought to me from all the four + quarters of the globe. Burdensome invalids whose tardiness in + dying was a perpetual grief to their friends; wealthy testators + whose legatees were desirous to come by their own; superfluous + children of penitent parents and dependent parents of frugal + children; wives of husbands ambitious to remarry and husbands + of wives without standing in the courts of divorce—these + and all conceivable classes of the surplus population were + conducted to my dispensary in the City of the Gone Away. They + came in incalculable multitudes.</p> + + <p>Government agents brought me caravans of orphans, paupers, + lunatics and all who had become a public charge. My skill in + curing orphanism and pauperism was particularly acknowledged by + a grateful parliament.</p> + + <p>Naturally, all this promoted the public prosperity, for + although I got the greater part of the money that strangers + expended in the city, the rest went into the channels of trade, + and I was myself a liberal investor, purchaser and employer, + and a patron of the arts and sciences. The City of the Gone + Away grew so rapidly that in a few years it had inclosed my + cemetery, despite its own constant growth. In that fact lay the + lion that rent me.</p> + + <p>The Aldermen declared my cemetery a public evil and decided + to take it from me, remove the bodies to another place and make + a park of it. I was to be paid for it and could easily bribe + the appraisers to fix a high price, but for a reason which will + appear the decision gave me little joy. It was in vain that I + protested against the sacrilege of disturbing the holy dead, + although this was a powerful appeal, for in that land the dead + are held in religious veneration. Temples are built in their + honor and a separate priesthood maintained at the public + expense, whose only duty is performance of memorial services of + the most solemn and touching kind. On four days in the year + there is a Festival of the Good, as it is called, when all the + people lay by their work or business and, headed by the + priests, march in procession through the cemeteries, adorning + the graves and praying in the temples. However bad a man's life + may be, it is believed that when dead he enters into a state of + eternal and inexpressible happiness. To signify a doubt of this + is an offense punishable by death. To deny burial to the dead, + or to exhume a buried body, except under sanction of law by + special dispensation and with solemn ceremony, is a crime + having no stated penalty because no one has ever had the + hardihood to commit it.</p> + + <p>All these considerations were in my favor, yet so well + assured were the people and their civic officers that my + cemetery was injurious to the public health that it was + condemned and appraised, and with terror in my heart I received + three times its value and began to settle up my affairs with + all speed.</p> + + <p>A week later was the day appointed for the formal + inauguration of the ceremony of removing the bodies. The day + was fine and the entire population of the city and surrounding + country was present at the imposing religious rites. These were + directed by the mortuary priesthood in full canonicals. There + was propitiatory sacrifice in the Temples of the Once, followed + by a processional pageant of great splendor, ending at the + cemetery. The Great Mayor in his robe of state led the + procession. He was armed with a golden spade and followed by + one hundred male and female singers, clad all in white and + chanting the Hymn to the Gone Away. Behind these came the minor + priesthood of the temples, all the civic authorities, habited + in their official apparel, each carrying a living pig as an + offering to the gods of the dead. Of the many divisions of the + line, the last was formed by the populace, with uncovered + heads, sifting dust into their hair in token of humility. In + front of the mortuary chapel in the midst of the necropolis, + the Supreme Priest stood in gorgeous vestments, supported on + each hand by a line of bishops and other high dignitaries of + his prelacy, all frowning with the utmost austerity. As the + Great Mayor paused in the Presence, the minor clergy, the civic + authorities, the choir and populace closed in and encompassed + the spot. The Great Mayor, laying his golden spade at the feet + of the Supreme Priest, knelt in silence.</p> + + <p>"Why comest thou here, presumptuous mortal?" said the + Supreme Priest in clear, deliberate tones. "Is it thy + unhallowed purpose with this implement to uncover the mysteries + of death and break the repose of the Good?"</p> + + <p>The Great Mayor, still kneeling, drew from his robe a + document with portentous seals: "Behold, O ineffable, thy + servant, having warrant of his people, entreateth at thy holy + hands the custody of the Good, to the end and purpose that they + lie in fitter earth, by consecration duly prepared against + their coming."</p> + + <p>With that he placed in the sacerdotal hands the order of the + Council of Aldermen decreeing the removal. Merely touching the + parchment, the Supreme Priest passed it to the Head + Necropolitan at his side, and raising his hands relaxed the + severity of his countenance and exclaimed: "The gods + comply."</p> + + <p>Down the line of prelates on either side, his gesture, look + and words were successively repeated. The Great Mayor rose to + his feet, the choir began a solemn chant and, opportunely, a + funeral car drawn by ten white horses with black plumes rolled + in at the gate and made its way through the parting crowd to + the grave selected for the occasion—that of a high + official whom I had treated for chronic incumbency. The Great + Mayor touched the grave with his golden spade (which he then + presented to the Supreme Priest) and two stalwart diggers with + iron ones set vigorously to work.</p> + + <p>At that moment I was observed to leave the cemetery and the + country; for a report of the rest of the proceedings I am + indebted to my sainted father, who related it in a letter to + me, written in jail the night before he had the irreparable + misfortune to take the kink out of a rope.</p> + + <p>As the workmen proceeded with their excavation, four bishops + stationed themselves at the corners of the grave and in the + profound silence of the multitude, broken otherwise only by the + harsh grinding sound of spades, repeated continuously, one + after another, the solemn invocations and responses from the + Ritual of the Disturbed, imploring the blessed brother to + forgive. But the blessed brother was not there. Full fathom two + they mined for him in vain, then gave it up. The priests were + visibly disconcerted, the populace was aghast, for that grave + was indubitably vacant.</p> + + <p>After a brief consultation with the Supreme Priest, the + Great Mayor ordered the workmen to open another grave. The + ritual was omitted this time until the coffin should be + uncovered. There was no coffin, no body.</p> + + <p>The cemetery was now a scene of the wildest confusion and + dismay. The people shouted and ran hither and thither, + gesticulating, clamoring, all talking at once, none listening. + Some ran for spades, fire-shovels, hoes, sticks, anything. Some + brought carpenters' adzes, even chisels from the marble works, + and with these inadequate aids set to work upon the first + graves they came to. Others fell upon the mounds with their + bare hands, scraping away the earth as eagerly as dogs digging + for marmots. Before nightfall the surface of the greater part + of the cemetery had been upturned; every grave had been + explored to the bottom and thousands of men were tearing away + at the interspaces with as furious a frenzy as exhaustion would + permit. As night came on torches were lighted, and in the + sinister glare these frantic mortals, looking like a legion of + fiends performing some unholy rite, pursued their disappointing + work until they had devastated the entire area. But not a body + did they find—not even a coffin.</p> + + <p>The explanation is exceedingly simple. An important part of + my income had been derived from the sale of <i>cadavres</i> to + medical colleges, which never before had been so well supplied, + and which, in added recognition of my services to science, had + all bestowed upon me diplomas, degrees and fellowships without + number. But their demand for <i>cadavres</i> was unequal to my + supply: by even the most prodigal extravagances they could not + consume the one-half of the products of my skill as a + physician. As to the rest, I had owned and operated the most + extensive and thoroughly appointed soapworks in all the + country. The excellence of my "Toilet Homoline" was attested by + certificates from scores of the saintliest theologians, and I + had one in autograph from Badelina Fatti the most famous living + soaprano.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_MAJORS_TALE" id="THE_MAJORS_TALE"></a>THE MAJOR'S TALE</h2> + + <p>In the days of the Civil War practical joking had not, I + think, fallen into that disrepute which characterizes it now. + That, doubtless, was owing to our extreme youth—men were + much younger than now, and evermore your very young man has a + boisterous spirit, running easily to horse-play. You cannot + think how young the men were in the early sixties! Why, the + average age of the entire Federal Army was not more than + twenty-five; I doubt if it was more than twenty-three, but not + having the statistics on that point (if there are any) I want + to be moderate: we will say twenty-five. It is true a man of + twenty-five was in that heroic time a good deal more of a man + than one of that age is now; you could see that by looking at + him. His face had nothing of that unripeness so conspicuous in + his successor. I never see a young fellow now without observing + how disagreeably young he really is; but during the war we did + not think of a man's age at all unless he happened to be pretty + well along in life. In that case one could not help it, for the + unloveliness of age assailed the human countenance then much + earlier than now; the result, I suppose, of hard + service—perhaps, to some extent, of hard drink, for, + bless my soul! we did shed the blood of the grape and the grain + abundantly during the war. I remember thinking General Grant, + who could not have been more than forty, a pretty well + preserved old chap, considering his habits. As to men of middle + age—say from fifty to sixty—why, they all looked + fit to personate the Last of the Hittites, or the Madagascarene + Methuselah, in a museum. Depend upon it, my friends, men of + that time were greatly younger than men are to-day, but looked + much older. The change is quite remarkable.</p> + + <p>I said that practical joking had not then gone out of + fashion. It had not, at least, in the army; though possibly in + the more serious life of the civilian it had no place except in + the form of tarring and feathering an occasional "copperhead." + You all know, I suppose, what a "copperhead" was, so I will go + directly at my story without introductory remark, as is my + way.</p> + + <p>It was a few days before the battle of Nashville. The enemy + had driven us up out of northern Georgia and Alabama. At + Nashville we had turned at bay and fortified, while old Pap + Thomas, our commander, hurried down reinforcements and supplies + from Louisville. Meantime Hood, the Confederate commander, had + partly invested us and lay close enough to have tossed shells + into the heart of the town. As a rule he abstained—he was + afraid of killing the families of his own soldiers, I suppose, + a great many of whom had lived there. I sometimes wondered what + were the feelings of those fellows, gazing over our heads at + their own dwellings, where their wives and children or their + aged parents were perhaps suffering for the necessaries of + life, and certainly (so their reasoning would run) cowering + under the tyranny and power of the barbarous Yankees.</p> + + <p>To begin, then, at the beginning, I was serving at that time + on the staff of a division commander whose name I shall not + disclose, for I am relating facts, and the person upon whom + they bear hardest may have surviving relatives who would not + care to have him traced. Our headquarters were in a large + dwelling which stood just behind our line of works. This had + been hastily abandoned by the civilian occupants, who had left + everything pretty much as it was—had no place to store + it, probably, and trusted that Heaven would preserve it from + Federal cupidity and Confederate artillery. With regard to the + latter we were as solicitous as they.</p> + + <p>Rummaging about in some of the chambers and closets one + evening, some of us found an abundant supply of + lady-gear—gowns, shawls, bonnets, hats, petticoats and + the Lord knows what; I could not at that time have named the + half of it. The sight of all this pretty plunder inspired one + of us with what he was pleased to call an "idea," which, when + submitted to the other scamps and scapegraces of the staff, met + with instant and enthusiastic approval. We proceeded at once to + act upon it for the undoing of one of our comrades.</p> + + <p>Our selected victim was an aide, Lieutenant Haberton, so to + call him. He was a good soldier—as gallant a chap as ever + wore spurs; but he had an intolerable weakness: he was a + lady-killer, and like most of his class, even in those days, + eager that all should know it. He never tired of relating his + amatory exploits, and I need not say how dismal that kind of + narrative is to all but the narrator. It would be dismal even + if sprightly and vivacious, for all men are rivals in woman's + favor, and to relate your successes to another man is to rouse + in him a dumb resentment, tempered by disbelief. You will not + convince him that you tell the tale for his entertainment; he + will hear nothing in it but an expression of your own vanity. + Moreover, as most men, whether rakes or not, are willing to be + thought rakes, he is very likely to resent a stupid and unjust + inference which he suspects you to have drawn from his + reticence in the matter of his own adventures—namely, + that he has had none. If, on the other hand, he has had no + scruple in the matter and his reticence is due to lack of + opportunity to talk, or of nimbleness in taking advantage of + it, why, then he will be surly because you "have the floor" + when he wants it himself. There are, in short, no circumstances + under which a man, even from the best of motives, or no motive + at all, can relate his feats of love without distinctly + lowering himself in the esteem of his male auditor; and herein + lies a just punishment for such as kiss and tell. In my younger + days I was myself not entirely out of favor with the ladies, + and have a memory stored with much concerning them which + doubtless I might put into acceptable narrative had I not + undertaken another tale, and if it were not my practice to + relate one thing at a time, going straight away to the end, + without digression.</p> + + <p>Lieutenant Haberton was, it must be confessed, a singularly + handsome man with engaging manners. He was, I suppose, judging + from the imperfect view-point of my sex, what women call + "fascinating." Now, the qualities which make a man attractive + to ladies entail a double disadvantage. First, they are of a + sort readily discerned by other men, and by none more readily + than by those who lack them. Their possessor, being feared by + all these, is habitually slandered by them in self-defense. To + all the ladies in whose welfare they deem themselves entitled + to a voice and interest they hint at the vices and general + unworth of the "ladies' man" in no uncertain terms, and to + their wives relate without shame the most monstrous falsehoods + about him. Nor are they restrained by the consideration that he + is their friend; the qualities which have engaged their own + admiration make it necessary to warn away those to whom the + allurement would be a peril. So the man of charming + personality, while loved by all the ladies who know him well, + yet not too well, must endure with such fortitude as he may the + consciousness that those others who know him only "by + reputation" consider him a shameless reprobate, a vicious and + unworthy man—a type and example of moral depravity. To + name the second disadvantage entailed by his charms: he + commonly is.</p> + + <p>In order to get forward with our busy story (and in my + judgment a story once begun should not suffer impedition) it is + necessary to explain that a young fellow attached to our + headquarters as an orderly was notably effeminate in face and + figure. He was not more than seventeen and had a perfectly + smooth face and large lustrous eyes, which must have been the + envy of many a beautiful woman in those days. And how beautiful + the women of those days were! and how gracious! Those of the + South showed in their demeanor toward us Yankees something of + <i>hauteur</i>, but, for my part, I found it less insupportable + than the studious indifference with which one's attentions are + received by the ladies of this new generation, whom I certainly + think destitute of sentiment and sensibility.</p> + + <p>This young orderly, whose name was Arman, we + persuaded—by what arguments I am not bound to + say—to clothe himself in female attire and personate a + lady. When we had him arrayed to our satisfaction—and a + charming girl he looked—he was conducted to a sofa in the + office of the adjutant-general. That officer was in the secret, + as indeed were all excepting Haberton and the general; within + the awful dignity hedging the latter lay possibilities of + disapproval which we were unwilling to confront.</p> + + <p>When all was ready I went to Haberton and said: "Lieutenant, + there is a young woman in the adjutant-general's office. She is + the daughter of the insurgent gentleman who owns this house, + and has, I think, called to see about its present occupancy. We + none of us know just how to talk to her, but we think perhaps + you would say about the right thing—at least you will say + things in the right way. Would you mind coming down?"</p> + + <p>The lieutenant would not mind; he made a hasty toilet and + joined me. As we were going along a passage toward the Presence + we encountered a formidable obstacle—the general.</p> + + <p>"I say, Broadwood," he said, addressing me in the familiar + manner which meant that he was in excellent humor, "there's a + lady in Lawson's office. Looks like a devilish fine + girl—came on some errand of mercy or justice, no doubt. + Have the goodness to conduct her to my quarters. I won't saddle + you youngsters with <i>all</i> the business of this division," + he added facetiously.</p> + + <p>This was awkward; something had to be done.</p> + + <p>"General," I said, "I did not think the lady's business of + sufficient importance to bother you with it. She is one of the + Sanitary Commission's nurses, and merely wants to see about + some supplies for the smallpox hospital where she is on duty. + I'll send her in at once."</p> + + <p>"You need not mind," said the general, moving on; "I dare + say Lawson will attend to the matter."</p> + + <p>Ah, the gallant general! how little I thought, as I looked + after his retreating figure and laughed at the success of my + ruse, that within the week he would be "dead on the field of + honor!" Nor was he the only one of our little military + household above whom gloomed the shadow of the death angel, and + who might almost have heard "the beating of his wings." On that + bleak December morning a few days later, when from an hour + before dawn until ten o'clock we sat on horseback on those icy + hills, waiting for General Smith to open the battle miles away + to the right, there were eight of us. At the close of the + fighting there were three. There is now one. Bear with him yet + a little while, oh, thrifty generation; he is but one of the + horrors of war strayed from his era into yours. He is only the + harmless skeleton at your feast and peace-dance, responding to + your laughter and your footing it featly, with rattling fingers + and bobbing skull—albeit upon suitable occasion, with a + partner of his choosing, he might do his little dance with the + best of you.</p> + + <p>As we entered the adjutant-general's office we observed that + the entire staff was there. The adjutant-general himself was + exceedingly busy at his desk. The commissary of subsistence + played cards with the surgeon in a bay window. The rest were in + several parts of the room, reading or conversing in low tones. + On a sofa in a half lighted nook of the room, at some distance + from any of the groups, sat the "lady," closely veiled, her + eyes modestly fixed upon her toes.</p> + + <p>"Madam," I said, advancing with Haberton, "this officer will + be pleased to serve you if it is in his power. I trust that it + is."</p> + + <p>With a bow I retired to the farther corner of the room and + took part in a conversation going on there, though I had not + the faintest notion what it was about, and my remarks had no + relevancy to anything under the heavens. A close observer would + have noticed that we were all intently watching Haberton and + only "making believe" to do anything else.</p> + + <p>He was worth watching, too; the fellow was simply an + <i>édition de luxe</i> of "Turveydrop on Deportment." As the + "lady" slowly unfolded her tale of grievances against our + lawless soldiery and mentioned certain instances of wanton + disregard of property rights—among them, as to the + imminent peril of bursting our sides we partly overheard, the + looting of her own wardrobe—the look of sympathetic agony + in Haberton's handsome face was the very flower and fruit of + histrionic art. His deferential and assenting nods at her + several statements were so exquisitely performed that one could + not help regretting their unsubstantial nature and the + impossibility of preserving them under glass for instruction + and delight of posterity. And all the time the wretch was + drawing his chair nearer and nearer. Once or twice he looked + about to see if we were observing, but we were in appearance + blankly oblivious to all but one another and our several + diversions. The low hum of our conversation, the gentle tap-tap + of the cards as they fell in play and the furious scratching of + the adjutant-general's pen as he turned off countless pages of + words without sense were the only sounds heard. No—there + was another: at long intervals the distant boom of a heavy gun, + followed by the approaching rush of the shot. The enemy was + amusing himself.</p> + + <p>On these occasions the lady was perhaps not the only member + of that company who was startled, but she was startled more + than the others, sometimes rising from the sofa and standing + with clasped hands, the authentic portrait of terror and + irresolution. It was no more than natural that Haberton should + at these times reseat her with infinite tenderness, assuring + her of her safety and regretting her peril in the same breath. + It was perhaps right that he should finally possess himself of + her gloved hand and a seat beside her on the sofa; but it + certainly was highly improper for him to be in the very act of + possessing himself of <i>both</i> hands when—boom, + <i>whiz</i>, BANG!</p> + + <p>We all sprang to our feet. A shell had crashed into the + house and exploded in the room above us. Bushels of plaster + fell among us. That modest and murmurous young lady sprang + erect.</p> + + <p>"Jumping Jee-rusalem!" she cried.</p> + + <p>Haberton, who had also risen, stood as one + petrified—as a statue of himself erected on the site of + his assassination. He neither spoke, nor moved, nor once took + his eyes off the face of Orderly Arman, who was now flinging + his girl-gear right and left, exposing his charms in the most + shameless way; while out upon the night and away over the + lighted camps into the black spaces between the hostile lines + rolled the billows of our inexhaustible laughter! Ah, what a + merry life it was in the old heroic days when men had not + forgotten how to laugh!</p> + + <p>Haberton slowly came to himself. He looked about the room + less blankly; then by degrees fashioned his visage into the + sickliest grin that ever libeled all smiling. He shook his head + and looked knowing.</p> + + <p>"You can't fool <i>me</i>!" he said.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CURRIED_COW" id="CURRIED_COW"></a>CURRIED COW</h2> + + <p>My Aunt Patience, who tilled a small farm in the state of + Michigan, had a favorite cow. This creature was not a good cow, + nor a profitable one, for instead of devoting a part of her + leisure to secretion of milk and production of veal she + concentrated all her faculties on the study of kicking. She + would kick all day and get up in the middle of the night to + kick. She would kick at anything—hens, pigs, posts, loose + stones, birds in the air and fish leaping out of the water; to + this impartial and catholic-minded beef, all were + equal—all similarly undeserving. Like old Timotheus, who + "raised a mortal to the skies," was my Aunt Patience's cow; + though, in the words of a later poet than Dryden, she did it + "more harder and more frequently." It was pleasing to see her + open a passage for herself through a populous barnyard. She + would flash out, right and left, first with one hind-leg and + then with the other, and would sometimes, under favoring + conditions, have a considerable number of domestic animals in + the air at once.</p> + + <p>Her kicks, too, were as admirable in quality as + inexhaustible in quantity. They were incomparably superior to + those of the untutored kine that had not made the art a life + study—mere amateurs that kicked "by ear," as they say in + music. I saw her once standing in the road, professedly fast + asleep, and mechanically munching her cud with a sort of Sunday + morning lassitude, as one munches one's cud in a dream. + Snouting about at her side, blissfully unconscious of impending + danger and wrapped up in thoughts of his sweetheart, was a + gigantic black hog—a hog of about the size and general + appearance of a yearling rhinoceros. Suddenly, while I + looked—without a visible movement on the part of the + cow—with never a perceptible tremor of her frame, nor a + lapse in the placid regularity of her chewing—that hog + had gone away from there—had utterly taken his leave. But + away toward the pale horizon a minute black speck was + traversing the empyrean with the speed of a meteor, and in a + moment had disappeared, without audible report, beyond the + distant hills. It may have been that hog.</p> + + <p>Currying cows is not, I think, a common practice, even in + Michigan; but as this one had never needed milking, of course + she had to be subjected to some equivalent form of persecution; + and irritating her skin with a currycomb was thought as + disagreeable an attention as a thoughtful affection could + devise. At least she thought it so; though I suspect her + mistress really meant it for the good creature's temporal + advantage. Anyhow my aunt always made it a condition to the + employment of a farm-servant that he should curry the cow every + morning; but after just enough trials to convince himself that + it was not a sudden spasm, nor a mere local disturbance, the + man would always give notice of an intention to quit, by + pounding the beast half-dead with some foreign body and then + limping home to his couch. I don't know how many men the + creature removed from my aunt's employ in this way, but judging + from the number of lame persons in that part of the country, I + should say a good many; though some of the lameness may have + been taken at second-hand from the original sufferers by their + descendants, and some may have come by contagion.</p> + + <p>I think my aunt's was a faulty system of agriculture. It is + true her farm labor cost her nothing, for the laborers all left + her service before any salary had accrued; but as the cow's + fame spread abroad through the several States and Territories, + it became increasingly difficult to obtain hands; and, after + all, the favorite was imperfectly curried. It was currently + remarked that the cow had kicked the farm to pieces—a + rude metaphor, implying that the land was not properly + cultivated, nor the buildings and fences kept in adequate + repair.</p> + + <p>It was useless to remonstrate with my aunt: she would + concede everything, amending nothing. Her late husband had + attempted to reform the abuse in this manner, and had had the + argument all his own way until he had remonstrated himself into + an early grave; and the funeral was delayed all day, until a + fresh undertaker could be procured, the one originally engaged + having confidingly undertaken to curry the cow at the request + of the widow.</p> + + <p>Since that time my Aunt Patience had not been in the + matrimonial market; the love of that cow had usurped in her + heart the place of a more natural and profitable affection. But + when she saw her seeds unsown, her harvests ungarnered, her + fences overtopped with rank brambles and her meadows gorgeous + with the towering Canada thistle she thought it best to take a + partner.</p> + + <p>When it transpired that my Aunt Patience intended wedlock + there was intense popular excitement. Every adult single male + became at once a marrying man. The criminal statistics of + Badger county show that in that single year more marriages + occurred than in any decade before or since. But none of them + was my aunt's. Men married their cooks, their laundresses, + their deceased wives' mothers, their enemies' + sisters—married whomsoever would wed; and any man who, by + fair means or courtship, could not obtain a wife went before a + justice of the peace and made an affidavit that he had some + wives in Indiana. Such was the fear of being married alive by + my Aunt Patience.</p> + + <p>Now, where my aunt's affection was concerned she was, as the + reader will have already surmised, a rather determined woman; + and the extraordinary marrying epidemic having left but one + eligible male in all that county, she had set her heart upon + that one eligible male; then she went and carted him to her + home. He turned out to be a long Methodist parson, named + Huggins.</p> + + <p>Aside from his unconscionable length, the Rev. Berosus + Huggins was not so bad a fellow, and was nobody's fool. He was, + I suppose, the most ill-favored mortal, however, in the whole + northern half of America—thin, angular, cadaverous of + visage and solemn out of all reason. He commonly wore a + low-crowned black hat, set so far down upon his head as partly + to eclipse his eyes and wholly obscure the ample glory of his + ears. The only other visible article of his attire (except a + brace of wrinkled cowskin boots, by which the word "polish" + would have been considered the meaningless fragment of a lost + language) was a tight-fitting black frock-coat, preternaturally + long in the waist, the skirts of which fell about his heels, + sopping up the dew. This he always wore snugly buttoned from + the throat downward. In this attire he cut a tolerably spectral + figure. His aspect was so conspicuously unnatural and inhuman + that whenever he went into a cornfield, the predatory crows + would temporarily forsake their business to settle upon him in + swarms, fighting for the best seats upon his person, by way of + testifying their contempt for the weak inventions of the + husbandman.</p> + + <p>The day after the wedding my Aunt Patience summoned the Rev. + Berosus to the council chamber, and uttered her mind to the + following intent:</p> + + <p>"Now, Huggy, dear, I'll tell you what there is to do about + the place. First, you must repair all the fences, clearing out + the weeds and repressing the brambles with a strong hand. Then + you will have to exterminate the Canadian thistles, mend the + wagon, rig up a plow or two, and get things into ship-shape + generally. This will keep you out of mischief for the better + part of two years; of course you will have to give up + preaching, for the present. As soon as you have—O! I + forgot poor Phœbe. She"——</p> + + <p>"Mrs. Huggins," interrupted her solemn spouse, "I shall hope + to be the means, under Providence, of effecting all needful + reforms in the husbandry of this farm. But the sister you + mention (I trust she is not of the world's people)—have I + the pleasure of knowing her? The name, indeed, sounds familiar, + but"——</p> + + <p>"Not know Phœbe!" cried my aunt, with unfeigned + astonishment; "I thought everybody in Badger knew Phœbe. + Why, you will have to scratch her legs, every blessed morning + of your natural life!"</p> + + <p>"I assure you, madam," rejoined the Rev. Berosus, with + dignity, "it would yield me a hallowed pleasure to minister to + the spiritual needs of sister Phœbe, to the extent of my + feeble and unworthy ability; but, really, I fear the merely + secular ministration of which you speak must be entrusted to + abler and, I would respectfully suggest, female hands."</p> + + <p>"Whyyy, youuu ooold, foooool!" replied my aunt, spreading + her eyes with unbounded amazement, "Phœbe is a + <i>cow</i>!"</p> + + <p>"In that case," said the husband, with unruffled composure, + "it will, of course, devolve upon me to see that her carnal + welfare is properly attended to; and I shall be happy to bestow + upon her legs such time as I may, without sin, snatch from my + strife with Satan and the Canadian thistles."</p> + + <p>With that the Rev. Mr. Huggins crowded his hat upon his + shoulders, pronounced a brief benediction upon his bride, and + betook himself to the barn-yard.</p> + + <p>Now, it is necessary to explain that he had known from the + first who Phœbe was, and was familiar, from hearsay, with + all her sinful traits. Moreover, he had already done himself + the honor of making her a visit, remaining in the vicinity of + her person, just out of range, for more than an hour and + permitting her to survey him at her leisure from every point of + the compass. In short, he and Phœbe had mutually + reconnoitered and prepared for action.</p> + + <p>Amongst the articles of comfort and luxury which went to + make up the good parson's <i>dot</i>, and which his wife had + already caused to be conveyed to his new home, was a patent + cast-iron pump, about seven feet high. This had been deposited + near the barn-yard, preparatory to being set up on the planks + above the barn-yard well. Mr. Huggins now sought out this + invention and conveying it to its destination put it into + position, screwing it firmly to the planks. He next divested + himself of his long gaberdine and his hat, buttoning the former + loosely about the pump, which it almost concealed, and hanging + the latter upon the summit of the structure. The handle of the + pump, when depressed, curved outwardly between the coat-skirts, + singularly like a tail, but with this inconspicuous exception, + any unprejudiced observer would have pronounced the thing Mr. + Huggins, looking uncommonly well.</p> + + <p>The preliminaries completed, the good man carefully closed + the gate of the barnyard, knowing that as soon as Phœbe, + who was campaigning in the kitchen garden, should note the + precaution she would come and jump in to frustrate it, which + eventually she did. Her master, meanwhile, had laid himself, + coatless and hatless, along the outside of the close board + fence, where he put in the time pleasantly, catching his death + of cold and peering through a knot-hole.</p> + + <p>At first, and for some time, the animal pretended not to see + the figure on the platform. Indeed she had turned her back upon + it directly she arrived, affecting a light sleep. Finding that + this stratagem did not achieve the success that she had + expected, she abandoned it and stood for several minutes + irresolute, munching her cud in a half-hearted way, but + obviously thinking very hard. Then she began nosing along the + ground as if wholly absorbed in a search for something that she + had lost, tacking about hither and thither, but all the time + drawing nearer to the object of her wicked intention. Arrived + within speaking distance, she stood for a little while + confronting the fraudful figure, then put out her nose toward + it, as if to be caressed, trying to create the impression that + fondling and dalliance were more to her than wealth, power and + the plaudits of the populace—that she had been accustomed + to them all her sweet young life and could not get on without + them. Then she approached a little nearer, as if to shake + hands, all the while maintaining the most amiable expression of + countenance and executing all manner of seductive nods and + winks and smiles. Suddenly she wheeled about and with the + rapidity of lightning dealt out a terrible kick—a kick of + inconceivable force and fury, comparable to nothing in nature + but a stroke of paralysis out of a clear sky!</p> + + <p>The effect was magical! Cows kick, not backward but + sidewise. The impact which was intended to project the + counterfeit theologian into the middle of the succeeding + conference week reacted upon the animal herself, and it and the + pain together set her spinning like a top. Such was the + velocity of her revolution that she looked like a dim, circular + cow, surrounded by a continuous ring like that of the planet + Saturn—the white tuft at the extremity of her sweeping + tail! Presently, as the sustaining centrifugal force lessened + and failed, she began to sway and wabble from side to side, and + finally, toppling over on her side, rolled convulsively on her + back and lay motionless with all her feet in the air, honestly + believing that the world had somehow got atop of her and she + was supporting it at a great sacrifice of personal comfort. + Then she fainted.</p> + + <p>How long she lay unconscious she knew not, but at last she + unclosed her eyes, and catching sight of the open door of her + stall, "more sweet than all the landscape smiling near," she + struggled up, stood wavering upon three legs, rubbed her eyes, + and was visibly bewildered as to the points of the compass. + Observing the iron clergyman standing fast by its faith, she + threw it a look of grieved reproach and hobbled heart-broken + into her humble habitation, a subjugated cow.</p> + + <p>For several weeks Phœbe's right hind leg was swollen + to a monstrous growth, but by a season of judicious nursing she + was "brought round all right," as her sympathetic and puzzled + mistress phrased it, or "made whole," as the reticent man of + God preferred to say. She was now as tractable and inoffensive + "in her daily walk and conversation" (Huggins) as a little + child. Her new master used to take her ailing leg trustfully + into his lap, and for that matter, might have taken it into his + mouth if he had so desired. Her entire character appeared to be + radically changed—so altered that one day my Aunt + Patience, who, fondly as she loved her, had never before so + much as ventured to touch the hem of her garment, as it were, + went confidently up to her to soothe her with a pan of turnips. + Gad! how thinly she spread out that good old lady upon the face + of an adjacent stone wall! You could not have done it so evenly + with a trowel.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS" id="A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS"></a>A REVOLT OF THE GODS</h2> + + <p>My father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, my mother kept the + only shop for the sale of cats'-meat in my native city. They + did not live happily; the difference in social rank was a chasm + which could not be bridged by the vows of marriage. It was + indeed an ill-assorted and most unlucky alliance; and as might + have been foreseen it ended in disaster. One morning after the + customary squabbles at breakfast, my father rose from the + table, quivering and pale with wrath, and proceeding to the + parsonage thrashed the clergyman who had performed the marriage + ceremony. The act was generally condemned and public feeling + ran so high against the offender that people would permit dead + dogs to lie on their property until the fragrance was deafening + rather than employ him; and the municipal authorities suffered + one bloated old mastiff to utter itself from a public square in + so clamorous an exhalation that passing strangers supposed + themselves to be in the vicinity of a saw-mill. My father was + indeed unpopular. During these dark days the family's sole + dependence was on my mother's emporium for cats'-meat.</p> + + <p>The business was profitable. In that city, which was the + oldest in the world, the cat was an object of veneration. Its + worship was the religion of the country. The multiplication and + addition of cats were a perpetual instruction in arithmetic. + Naturally, any inattention to the wants of a cat was punished + with great severity in this world and the next; so my good + mother numbered her patrons by the hundred. Still, with an + unproductive husband and seventeen children she had some + difficulty in making both ends cats'-meat; and at last the + necessity of increasing the discrepancy between the cost price + and the selling price of her carnal wares drove her to an + expedient which proved eminently disastrous: she conceived the + unlucky notion of retaliating by refusing to sell cats'-meat + until the boycott was taken off her husband.</p> + + <p>On the day when she put this resolution into practice the + shop was thronged with excited customers, and others extended + in turbulent and restless masses up four streets, out of sight. + Inside there was nothing but cursing, crowding, shouting and + menace. Intimidation was freely resorted to—several of my + younger brothers and sisters being threatened with cutting up + for the cats—but my mother was as firm as a rock, and the + day was a black one for Sardasa, the ancient and sacred city + that was the scene of these events. The lock-out was vigorously + maintained, and seven hundred and fifty thousand cats went to + bed hungry!</p> + + <p>The next morning the city was found to have been placarded + during the night with a proclamation of the Federated Union of + Old Maids. This ancient and powerful order averred through its + Supreme Executive Head that the boycotting of my father and the + retaliatory lock-out of my mother were seriously imperiling the + interests of religion. The proclamation went on to state that + if arbitration were not adopted by noon that day all the old + maids of the federation would strike—and strike they + did.</p> + + <p>The next act of this unhappy drama was an insurrection of + cats. These sacred animals, seeing themselves doomed to + starvation, held a mass-meeting and marched in procession + through the streets, swearing and spitting like fiends. This + revolt of the gods produced such consternation that many pious + persons died of fright and all business was suspended to bury + them and pass terrifying resolutions.</p> + + <p>Matters were now about as bad as it seemed possible for them + to be. Meetings among representatives of the hostile interests + were held, but no understanding was arrived at that would hold. + Every agreement was broken as soon as made, and each element of + the discord was frantically appealing to the people. A new + horror was in store.</p> + + <p>It will be remembered that my father was a deodorizer of + dead dogs, but was unable to practice his useful and humble + profession because no one would employ him. The dead dogs in + consequence reeked rascally. Then they struck! From every + vacant lot and public dumping ground, from every hedge and + ditch and gutter and cistern, every crystal rill and the + clabbered waters of all the canals and estuaries—from all + the places, in short, which from time immemorial have been + preëmpted by dead dogs and consecrated to the uses of them and + their heirs and successors forever—they trooped + innumerous, a ghastly crew! Their procession was a mile in + length. Midway of the town it met the procession of cats in + full song. The cats instantly exalted their backs and magnified + their tails; the dead dogs uncovered their teeth as in life, + and erected such of their bristles as still adhered to the + skin.</p> + + <p>The carnage that ensued was too awful for relation! The + light of the sun was obscured by flying fur, and the battle was + waged in the darkness, blindly and regardless. The swearing of + the cats was audible miles away, while the fragrance of the + dead dogs desolated seven provinces.</p> + + <p>How the battle might have resulted it is impossible to say, + but when it was at its fiercest the Federated Union of Old + Maids came running down a side street and sprang into the + thickest of the fray. A moment later my mother herself bore + down upon the warring hosts, brandishing a cleaver, and laid + about her with great freedom and impartiality. My father joined + the fight, the municipal authorities engaged, and the general + public, converging on the battle-field from all points of the + compass, consumed itself in the center as it pressed in from + the circumference. Last of all, the dead held a meeting in the + cemetery and resolving on a general strike, began to destroy + vaults, tombs, monuments, headstones, willows, angels and young + sheep in marble—everything they could lay their hands on. + By nightfall the living and the dead were alike exterminated, + and where the ancient and sacred city of Sardasa had stood + nothing remained but an excavation filled with dead bodies and + building materials, shreds of cat and blue patches of decayed + dog. The place is now a vast pool of stagnant water in the + center of a desert.</p> + + <p>The stirring events of those few days constituted my + industrial education, and so well have I improved my advantages + that I am now Chief of Misrule to the Dukes of Disorder, an + organization numbering thirteen million American + workingmen.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BAPTISM_OF_DOBSHO"></a>THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO</h2> + + <p>It was a wicked thing to do, certainly. I have often + regretted it since, and if the opportunity of doing so again + were presented I should hesitate a long time before embracing + it. But I was young then, and cherished a species of humor + which I have since abjured. Still, when I remember the + character of the people who were burlesquing and bringing into + disrepute the letter and spirit of our holy religion I feel a + certain satisfaction in having contributed one feeble effort + toward making them ridiculous. In consideration of the little + good I may have done in that way, I beg the reader to judge my + conceded error as leniently as possible. This is the story.</p> + + <p>Some years ago the town of Harding, in Illinois, experienced + "a revival of religion," as the people called it. It would have + been more accurate and less profane to term it a revival of + Rampageanism, for the craze originated in, and was disseminated + by, the sect which I will call the Rampagean communion; and + most of the leaping and howling was done in that interest. + Amongst those who yielded to the influence was my friend Thomas + Dobsho. Tom had been a pretty bad sinner in a small way, but he + went into this new thing heart and soul. At one of the meetings + he made a public confession of more sins than he ever was, or + ever could have been guilty of; stopping just short of + statutory crimes, and even hinting, significantly, that he + could tell a good deal more if he were pressed. He wanted to + join the absurd communion the very evening of his conversion. + He wanted to join two or three communions. In fact, he was so + carried away with his zeal that some of the brethren gave me a + hint to take him home; he and I occupied adjoining apartments + in the Elephant Hotel.</p> + + <p>Tom's fervor, as it happened, came near defeating its own + purpose; instead of taking him at once into the fold without + reference or "character," which was their usual way, the + brethren remembered against him his awful confessions and put + him on probation. But after a few weeks, during which he + conducted himself like a decent lunatic, it was decided to + baptise him along with a dozen other pretty hard cases who had + been converted more recently. This sacrilegious ceremony I + persuaded myself it was my duty to prevent, though I think now + I erred as to the means adopted. It was to take place on a + Sunday, and on the preceding Saturday I called on the head + revivalist, the Rev. Mr. Swin, and craved an interview.</p> + + <p>"I come," said I, with simulated reluctance and + embarrassment, "in behalf of my friend, Brother Dobsho, to make + a very delicate and unusual request. You are, I think, going to + baptise him to-morrow, and I trust it will be to him the + beginning of a new and better life. But I don't know if you are + aware that his family are all Plungers, and that he is himself + tainted with the wicked heresy of that sect. So it is. He is, + as one might say in secular metaphor, 'on the fence' between + their grievous error and the pure faith of your church. It + would be most melancholy if he should get down on the wrong + side. Although I confess with shame I have not myself embraced + the truth, I hope I am not too blind to see where it lies."</p> + + <p>"The calamity that you apprehend," said the reverend lout, + after solemn reflection, "would indeed seriously affect our + friend's interest and endanger his soul. I had not expected + Brother Dobsho so soon to give up the good fight."</p> + + <p>"I think sir," I replied reflectively, "there is no fear of + that if the matter is skilfully managed. He is heartily with + you—might I venture to say with <i>us</i>—on every + point but one. He favors immersion! He has been so vile a + sinner that he foolishly fears the more simple rite of your + church will not make him wet enough. Would you believe it? his + uninstructed scruples on the point are so gross and + materialistic that he actually suggested soaping himself as a + preparatory ceremony! I believe, however, if instead of + sprinkling my friend, you would pour a generous basinful of + water on his head—but now that I think of it in your + enlightening presence I see that such a proceeding is quite out + of the question. I fear we must let matters take the usual + course, trusting to our later efforts to prevent the + backsliding which may result."</p> + + <p>The parson rose and paced the floor a moment, then suggested + that he'd better see Brother Dobsho, and labor to remove his + error. I told him I thought not; I was sure it would not be + best. Argument would only confirm him in his prejudices. So it + was settled that the subject should not be broached in that + quarter. It would have been bad for me if it had been.</p> + + <p>When I reflect now upon the guile of that conversation, the + falsehood of my representations and the wickedness of my motive + I am almost ashamed to proceed with my narrative. Had the + minister been other than an arrant humbug, I hope I should + never have suffered myself to make him the dupe of a scheme so + sacrilegious in itself, and prosecuted with so sinful a + disregard of honor.</p> + + <p>The memorable Sabbath dawned bright and beautiful. About + nine o'clock the cracked old bell, rigged up on struts before + the "meeting-house," began to clamor its call to service, and + nearly the whole population of Harding took its way to the + performance. I had taken the precaution to set my watch fifteen + minutes fast. Tom was nervously preparing himself for the + ordeal. He fidgeted himself into his best suit an hour before + the time, carried his hat about the room in the most aimless + and demented way and consulted his watch a hundred times. I was + to accompany him to church, and I spent the time fussing about + the room, doing the most extraordinary things in the most + exasperating manner—in short, keeping up Tom's feverish + excitement by every wicked device I could think of. Within a + half hour of the real time for service I suddenly yelled + out—</p> + + <p>"O, I say, Tom; pardon me, but that head of yours is just + frightful! Please <i>do</i> let me brush it up a bit!"</p> + + <p>Seizing him by the shoulders I thrust him into a chair with + his face to the wall, laid hold of his comb and brush, got + behind him and went to work. He was trembling like a child, and + knew no more what I was doing than if he had been brained. Now, + Tom's head was a curiosity. His hair, which was remarkably + thick, was like wire. Being cut rather short it stood out all + over his scalp like the spines on a porcupine. It had been a + favorite complaint of Tom's that he never could do anything to + that head. I found no difficulty—I did something to it, + though I blush to think what it was. I did something which I + feared he might discover if he looked in the mirror, so I + carelessly pulled out my watch, sprung it open, gave a start + and shouted—</p> + + <p>"By Jove! Thomas—pardon the oath—but we're late. + Your watch is all wrong; look at mine! Here's your hat, old + fellow; come along. There's not a moment to lose!"</p> + + <p>Clapping his hat on his head, I pulled him out of the house, + with actual violence. In five minutes more we were in the + meeting-house with ever so much time to spare.</p> + + <p>The services that day, I am told, were specially interesting + and impressive, but I had a good deal else on my mind—was + preoccupied, absent, inattentive. They might have varied from + the usual profane exhibition in any respect and to any extent, + and I should not have observed it. The first thing I clearly + perceived was a rank of "converts" kneeling before the "altar," + Tom at the left of the line. Then the Rev. Mr. Swin approached + him, thoughtfully dipping his fingers into a small earthern + bowl of water as if he had just finished dining. I was much + affected: I could see nothing distinctly for my tears. My + handkerchief was at my face—most of it inside. I was + observed to sob spasmodically, and I am abashed to think how + many sincere persons mistakenly followed my example.</p> + + <p>With some solemn words, the purport of which I did not quite + make out, except that they sounded like swearing, the minister + stood before Thomas, gave me a glance of intelligence and then + with an innocent expression of face, the recollection of which + to this day fills me with remorse, spilled, as if by accident, + the entire contents of the bowl on the head of my poor + friend—that head into the hair of which I had sifted a + prodigal profusion of Seidlitz-powders!</p> + + <p>I confess it, the effect was magical—anyone who was + present would tell you that. Tom's pow simmered—it + seethed—it foamed yeastily, and slavered like a mad dog! + It steamed and hissed, with angry spurts and flashes! In a + second it had grown bigger than a small snowbank, and whiter. + It surged, and boiled, and walloped, and overflowed, and + sputtered—sent off feathery flakes like down from a shot + swan! The froth poured creaming over his face, and got into his + eyes. It was the most sinful shampooing of the season!</p> + + <p>I cannot relate the commotion this produced, nor would I if + I could. As to Tom, he sprang to his feet and staggered out of + the house, groping his way between the pews, sputtering + strangled profanity and gasping like a stranded fish. The other + candidates for baptism rose also, shaking their pates as if to + say, "No you don't, my hearty," and left the house in a body. + Amidst unbroken silence the minister reascended the pulpit with + the empty bowl in his hand, and was first to speak:</p> + + <p>"Brethren and sisters," said he with calm, deliberate + evenness of tone, "I have held forth in this tabernacle for + many more years than I have got fingers and toes, and during + that time I have known not guile, nor anger, nor any + uncharitableness. As to Henry Barber, who put up this job on + me, I judge him not lest I be judged. Let him take <i>that</i> + and sin no more!"—and he flung the earthern bowl with so + true an aim that it was shattered against my skull. The rebuke + was not undeserved, I confess, and I trust I have profited by + it.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_RACE_AT_LEFT_BOWER"></a>THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER</h2> + + <p>"It's all very well fer you Britishers to go assin' about + the country tryin' to strike the trail o' the mines you've + salted down yer loose carpital in," said Colonel Jackhigh, + setting his empty glass on the counter and wiping his lips with + his coat sleeve; "but w'en it comes to hoss racin', w'y I've + got a cayuse ken lay over all the thurrerbreds yer little + mantel-ornyment of a island ever panned out—bet yer + britches I have! Talk about yer Durby winners—w'y this + pisen little beast o' mine'll take the bit in her teeth and + show 'em the way to the horizon like she was takin' her mornin' + stroll and they was tryin' to keep an eye on her to see she + didn't do herself an injury—that's w'at she would! And + she haint never run a race with anything spryer'n an Injun in + all her life; she's a green amatoor, <i>she</i> is!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, very well," said the Englishman with a quiet smile; "it + is easy enough to settle the matter. My animal is in tolerably + good condition, and if yours is in town we can have the race + to-morrow for any stake you like, up to a hundred dollars.</p> + + <p>"That's jest the figger," said the colonel; "dot it down, + barkeep. But it's like slarterin' the innocents," he added, + half-remorsefully, as he turned to leave; "it's bettin' on a + dead sure thing—that's what it is! If my cayuse knew wa't + I was about she'd go and break a laig to make the race a fair + one."</p> + + <p>So it was arranged that the race was to come off at three + o'clock the next day, on the <i>mesa</i>, some distance from + town. As soon as the news got abroad, the whole population of + Left Bower and vicinity knocked off work and assembled in the + various bars to discuss it. The Englishman and his horse were + general favorites, and aside from the unpopularity of the + colonel, nobody had ever seen his "cayuse." Still the element + of patriotism came in, making the betting very nearly even.</p> + + <p>A race-course was marked off on the <i>mesa</i> and at the + appointed hour every one was there except the colonel. It was + arranged that each man should ride his own horse, and the + Englishman, who had acquired something of the free-and-easy + bearing that distinguishes the "mining sharp," was already atop + of his magnificent animal, with one leg thrown carelessly + across the pommel of his Mexican saddle, as he puffed his cigar + with calm confidence in the result of the race. He was + conscious, too, that he possessed the secret sympathy of all, + even of those who had felt it their duty to bet against him. + The judge, watch in hand, was growing impatient, when the + colonel appeared about a half-mile away, and bore down upon the + crowd. Everyone was eager to inspect his mount; and such a + mount as it proved to be was never before seen, even in Left + Bower!</p> + + <p>You have seen "perfect skeletons" of horses often enough, no + doubt, but this animal was not even a perfect skeleton; there + were bones missing here and there which you would not have + believed the beast could have spared. "Little" the colonel had + called her! She was not an inch less than eighteen hands high, + and long out of all reasonable proportion. She was so hollow in + the back that she seemed to have been bent in a machine. She + had neither tail nor mane, and her neck, as long as a man, + stuck straight up into the air, supporting a head without ears. + Her eyes had an expression in them of downright insanity, and + the muscles of her face were afflicted with periodical + convulsions that drew back the corners of the mouth and + wrinkled the upper lip so as to produce a ghastly grin every + two or three seconds. In color she was "claybank," with great + blotches of white, as if she had been pelted with small bags of + flour. The crookedness of her legs was beyond all comparison, + and as to her gait it was that of a blind camel walking + diagonally across innumerable deep ditches. Altogether she + looked like the crude result of Nature's first experiment in + equifaction.</p> + + <p>As this libel on all horses shambled up to the starting post + there was a general shout; the sympathies of the crowd changed + in the twinkling of an eye! Everyone wanted to bet on her, and + the Englishman himself was only restrained from doing so by a + sense of honor. It was growing late, however, and the judge + insisted on starting them. They got off very well together, and + seeing the mare was unconscionably slow the Englishman soon + pulled his animal in and permitted the ugly thing to pass him, + so as to enjoy a back view of her. That sealed his fate. The + course had been marked off in a circle of two miles in + circumference and some twenty feet wide, the limits plainly + defined by little furrows. Before the animals had gone a half + mile both had been permitted to settle down into a comfortable + walk, in which they continued three-fourths of the way round + the ring. Then the Englishman thought it time to whip up and + canter in.</p> + + <p>But he didn't. As he came up alongside the "Lightning + Express," as the crowd had begun to call her, that creature + turned her head diagonally backward and let fall a smile. The + encroaching beast stopped as if he had been shot! His rider + plied whip, and forced him again forward upon the track of the + equine hag, but with the same result.</p> + + <p>The Englishman was now alarmed; he struggled manfully with + rein and whip and shout, amidst the tremendous cheering and + inextinguishable laughter of the crowd, to force his animal + past, now on this side, now on that, but it would not do. + Prompted by the fiend in the concavity of her back, the + unthinkable quadruped dropped her grins right and left with + such seasonable accuracy that again and again the competing + beast was struck "all of a heap" just at the moment of seeming + success. And, finally, when by a tremendous spurt his rider + endeavored to thrust him by, within half a dozen lengths of the + winning post, the incarnate nightmare turned squarely about and + fixed upon him a portentous stare—delivering at the same + time a grimace of such prodigious ghastliness that the poor + thoroughbred, with an almost human scream of terror, wheeled + about, and tore away to the rear with the speed of the wind, + leaving the colonel an easy winner in twenty minutes and ten + seconds.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_FAILURE_OF_HOPE_WANDEL"></a>THE FAILURE OF HOPE + & WANDEL</h2> + + <p><i>From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, December 2, 1877.</i></p> + + <p>I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my + journey from New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in + Chicago, believe me, and the Southron who comes here, as I did, + without a relay of noses and ears will have reason to regret + his mistaken economy in arranging his outfit.</p> + + <p>To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy, O child + of a torrid clime, a sheet of anybody's ice, three hundred + miles long, forty broad, and six feet thick! It sounds like a + lie, Pikey dear, but your partner in the firm of Hope & + Wandel, Wholesale Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is never known + to fib. My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present + business and send on the money at once. I'll put up a warehouse + as big as the Capitol at Washington, store it full and ship to + your orders as the Southern market may require. I can send it + in planks for skating floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in + shavings for juleps, or in solution for ice cream and general + purposes. It is a big thing!</p> + + <p>I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such + charming ice?</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, + in Chicago, December 24, 1877.</i></p> + + <p>Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and + blurring that it was entirely illegible. It must have come all + the way by water. By the aid of chemicals and photography, + however, I have made it out. But you forgot to inclose the + sample of ice.</p> + + <p>I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice, I am + sorry to say) and inclose draft for net amount. Shall begin to + spar for orders at once. I trust everything to you—but, I + say, has anybody tried to grow ice in <i>this</i> vicinity? + There is Lake Ponchartrain, you know.</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, February 27, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new warehouse + for the ice. Though made of boards, and run up rather hastily, + it is as pretty as a picture, and cost a deal of money, though + I pay no ground rent. It is about as big as the Capitol at + Washington. Do you think it ought to have a steeple? I have it + nearly filled—fifty men cutting and storing, day and + night—awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I + wrote you last was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't + you worry; there is plenty.</p> + + <p>Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town, so I am not + much bothered by visitors, which is a relief. Such a giggling, + sniggering lot you never saw!</p> + + <p>It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie, but do you + know I believe this ice of ours gains in coldness as the warm + weather comes on! I do, indeed, and you may mention the fact in + the advertisements.</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, + in Chicago, March 7, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a + roaring trade as "The New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice + Company." But you have not told me whether the ice is fresh or + salt. If it is fresh it won't do for cooking, and if it is salt + it will spoil the mint juleps.</p> + + <p>Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts are?</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, April 3, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are thick as + ducks. I'm afloat, <i>en route</i> for Buffalo, with the assets + of the New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company in my + vest pocket. We are busted out, my poor Pikey—we are to + fortune and to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting of the creditors + and don't attend.</p> + + <p>Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed into + match-wood on an enormous mass of floating ice—the first + berg ever seen in these waters. It is described by the + survivors as being about as big as the Capital at Washington. + One-half of that iceberg belongs to you, Pikey.</p> + + <p>The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on an + unfavorable site, about a mile out from the shore (on the ice, + you understand), and when the thaw came—O my God, Wannie, + it was the saddest thing you ever saw in all your life! You + will be <i>so</i> glad to know I was not in it at the time.</p> + + <p>What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor partner, you + don't seem to know very much about the ice business.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="PERRY_CHUMLYS_ECLIPSE"></a>PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE</h2> + + <p>The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate + instrument, consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, + which, decomposing the light of any heavenly body to which the + instrument is directed, presents a spectrum, or long bar of + color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and bright lines produced + by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby the celestial + orb's light is generated. From these dark and bright lines, + therefore, we ascertain all that is worth knowing about the + composition of the sun and stars.</p> + + <p>Now Ben had made some striking discoveries in spectroscopic + analysis at his private garden observatory, and had also an + instrument of superior power and capacity, invented, or at + least much improved, by himself; and this instrument it was + that he and I were arranging for an examination of the comet + then flaming in the heavens. William sat by apparently + uninterested. Finally we had our arrangements for an + observation completed, and Ben said: "Now turn her on."</p> + + <p>"That reminds me," said William, "of a little story about + Perry Chumly, who—"</p> + + <p>"For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a + hand on his arm, "I must beg you not to relate it. The comet + will in a few minutes be behind the roof of yonder lodging + house. We really have no time for the story."</p> + + <p>"No," said Ben, "time presses; and, anyhow, I've heard it + before."</p> + + <p>"This Perry Chumly," resumed William, "believed himself a + born astronomer, and always kept a bit of smoked glass. He was + particularly great on solar eclipses. I have known him to sit + up all night looking out for one."</p> + + <p>Ben had now got the spectroscope trained skyward to suit + him, and in order to exclude all irrelevant light had let down + the window-blind on the tube of it. The spectrum of the comet + came out beautifully—a long bar of color crossed with a + lovely ruling of thin dark and bright lines, the sight of which + elicited from us an exclamation of satisfaction.</p> + + <p>"One day," continued William from his seat at another + window, "some one told Perry Chumly there would be an eclipse + of the sun that afternoon at three o'clock. Now Perry had + recently read a story about some men who in exploring a deep + cañon in the mountains had looked up from the bottom and seen + the stars shining at midday. It occurred to him that this + knowledge might be so utilized as to give him a fine view of + the eclipse, and enable him at the same time to see what the + stars would appear to think about it."</p> + + <p>"<i>This</i>," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines + in the cometic spectrum, "<i>this</i> is produced by the vapor + of carbon in the nucleus of the heavenly visitant. You will + observe that it differs but slightly from the lines that come + of volatilized iron. Examined with this magnifying + glass"—adjusting that instrument to his eye—"it + will probably show—by Jove!" he ejaculated, after a + nearer view, "it isn't carbon at all. <i>It is</i> MEAT!"</p> + + <p>"Of course," proceeded William, "of course Perry Chumly did + not have any cañon, so what did the fellow do but let himself + down with his arms and legs to the bottom of an old well, about + thirty feet deep! And, with the cold water up to his middle, + and the frogs, pollywogs and aquatic lizards quarreling for the + cosy corners of his pockets, there he stood, waiting for the + sun to appear in the field of his 'instrument' and be + eclipsed."</p> + + <p>"Ben, you are joking," I remarked with some asperity; "you + are taking liberties with science, Benjamin. It <i>can't</i> be + meat, you know."</p> + + <p>"I tell you it <i>is</i> though," was his excited reply; "it + is just <i>meat</i>, I tell you! And this other line, which at + first I took for sodium, is <i>bone</i>—bone, sir, or I'm + an asteroid! I never saw the like; that comet must be densely + peopled with butchers and horse-knackers!"</p> + + <p>"When Perry Chumly had waited a long time," William went on + to say, "looking up and expecting every minute to see the sun, + it began to get into his mind, somehow, that the bright, + circular opening above his head—the mouth of the + well—<i>was</i> the sun, and that the black disk of the + moon was all that was needed to complete the expected + phenomenon. The notion soon took complete possession of his + brain, so that he forgot where he was and imagined himself + standing on the surface of the earth."</p> + + <p>I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum very closely, + being particularly attracted by a thin, faint line, which I + thought Ben had overlooked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that is nothing," he explained; "that's a mere local + fault arising from conditions peculiar to the medium through + which the light is transmitted—the atmosphere of this + neighborhood. It is whisky. This other line, though, shows the + faintest imaginable trace of soap; and these uncertain, + wavering ones are caused by some effluvium not in the comet + itself, but in the region beyond it. I am compelled to + pronounce it tobacco smoke. I will now tilt the instrument so + as to get the spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! + there we have it. Splendid!"</p> + + <p>"Now this old well," said William, "was near a road, along + which was traveling a big and particularly hideous nigger."</p> + + <p>"See here, Thomas," exclaimed Ben, removing the magnifying + glass from his eye and looking me earnestly in the face, "if I + were to tell you that the <i>coma</i> of this eccentric + heavenly body is really hair, as its name implies, would you + believe it?"</p> + + <p>"No, Ben, I certainly should not."</p> + + <p>"Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the + lines—they speak for themselves. But now that I look + again, you are not entirely wrong: there is a considerable + admixture of jute, moss, and I think tallow. It certainly is + most remarkable! Sir Isaac Newton—"</p> + + <p>"That big nigger," drawled William, "felt thirsty, and + seeing the mouth of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket + in it. So he ventured to creep forward on his hands and knees + and look in over the edge."</p> + + <p>Suddenly our spectrum vanished, and a very singular one of a + quite different appearance presented itself in the same place. + It was a dim spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of pale + yellow.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said Ben, "our waif of the upper deep is obscured by a + cloud; let us see what the misty veil is made of."</p> + + <p>He took a look at the spectrum with his magnifying glass, + started back, and muttered: "Brown linen, by thunder!"</p> + + <p>"You can imagine the rapture of Perry Chumly," pursued the + indefatigable William, "when he saw, as he supposed, the moon's + black disk encroaching upon the body of the luminary that had + so long riveted his gaze. But when that obscuring satellite had + thrust herself so far forward that the eclipse became almost + annular, and he saw her staring down upon a darkened world with + glittering white eyes and a double row of flashing teeth, it is + perhaps not surprising that he vented a scream of terror, + fainted and collapsed among his frogs! As for the big nigger, + almost equally terrified by this shriek from the abyss, he + executed a precipitate movement which only the breaking of his + neck prevented from being a double back-somersault, and lay + dead in the weeds with his tongue out and his face the color of + a cometic spectrum. We laid them in the same grave, poor + fellows, and on many a still summer evening afterward I strayed + to the lonely little church-yard to listen to the smothered + requiem chanted by the frogs that we had neglected to remove + from the pockets of the lamented astronomer.</p> + + <p>"And, now," added William, taking his heels from the window, + "as you can not immediately resume your spectroscopic + observations on that red-haired chamber-maid in the + dormer-window, who pulled down the blind when I made a mouth at + her, I move that we adjourn."</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_PROVIDENTIAL_INTIMATION"></a>A PROVIDENTIAL + INTIMATION</h2> + + <p>Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The + world of Mr. Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one's + world is likely to do when one sits up till morning with jovial + friends, to watch it, and he was prone to resentment. No + sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a neat, fashionable + suit of clothing than he selected his morning walking-stick and + sallied out upon the town with a vague general determination to + attack something. His first victim would naturally have been + his breakfast; but singularly enough, he fell upon this with so + feeble an energy that he was himself beaten—to the + grieved astonishment of the worthy <i>rôtisseur</i>, who had to + record his hitherto puissant patron's maiden defeat. Three or + four cups of <i>café noir</i> were the only captives that + graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-wheels that morning.</p> + + <p>He lit a long cigar and sauntered moodily down the street, + so occupied with schemes of universal retaliation that his feet + had it all their own way; in consequence of which, their owner + soon found himself in the billiard-room of the Occidental + Hotel. Nobody was there, but Mr. Jarvis was a privileged + person; so, going to the marker's desk, he took out a little + box of ivory balls, spilled them carelessly over a table and + languidly assailed them with a long stick.</p> + + <p>Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvelous + stroke. Waiting till the astonished balls had resumed their + composure, he gathered them up, replacing them in their former + position. He tried the stroke again, and, naturally, did not + make it. Again he placed the balls, and again he badly failed. + With a vexed and humilated air he once more put the indocile + globes into position, leaned over the table and was upon the + point of striking, when there sounded a solemn voice from + behind:</p> + + <p>"Bet you two bits you don't make it!"</p> + + <p>Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked at + the speaker, whom he found to be a stranger—one that most + persons would prefer should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made + no reply. In the first place, he was a man of aristocratic + taste, to whom a wager of "two bits" was simply vulgar. + Secondly, the man who had proffered it evidently had not the + money. Still it is annoying to have one's skill questioned by + one's social inferiors, particularly when one has doubts of it + oneself, and is otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr. Jarvis stood his + cue against the table, laid off his fashionable morning-coat, + resumed his stick, spread his fine figure upon the table with + his back to the ceiling and took deliberate aim.</p> + + <p>At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is + seen no more forever. Persons of the class to which he adds + lustre are sacred from the pen of the humorist; they are + ridiculous but not amusing. So now we will dismiss this + uninteresting young aristocrat, retaining merely his outer + shell, the fashionable morning-coat, which Mr. Stenner, the + gentleman, who had offered the wager, has quietly thrown across + his arm and is conveying away for his own advantage.</p> + + <p>An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at + North Beach, with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had + already taken the opinion of an eminent pawnbroker on its + value, and it only remained to search the pockets. Mr. + Stenner's notions concerning gentlemen's coats were not so + clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were that + these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth + of bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was therefore + disappointed when his careful quest was rewarded with only a + delicately perfumed handkerchief, upon which he could not hope + to obtain a loan of more than ten cents; a pair of gloves too + small for use and a bit of paper that was not a cheque. A + second look at this, however, inspired hope. It was about the + size of a flounder, ruled in wide lines, and bore in + conspicuous characters the words, "Western Union Telegraph + Company." Immediately below this interesting legend was much + other printed matter, the purport of which was that the company + did not hold itself responsible for the verbal accuracy of "the + following message," and did not consider itself either morally + or legally bound to forward or deliver it, nor, in short, to + render any kind of service for the money paid by the + sender.</p> + + <p>Unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed + that a message subject to these hard conditions must be one of + not only grave importance, but questionable character. So he + determined to decipher it at that time and place. In the course + of the day he succeeded in so doing. It ran as follows, + omitting the date and the names of persons and places, which + were, of course, quite illegible:</p> + + <p>"Buy Sally Meeker!"</p> + + <p>Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon + Mr. Stenner all at once it might have carried him away, which + would not have been so bad a thing for San Francisco; but as + the meaning had to percolate slowly through a dense dyke of + ignorance, it produced no other immediate effect than the + exclamation, "Well, I'll be bust!"</p> + + <p>In the mouths of some persons this form of expression means + a great deal. On the Stenner tongue it signified the hopeless + nature of the Stenner mental confusion.</p> + + <p>It must be confessed—by persons outside a certain + limited and sordid circle—that the message lacks + amplification and elaboration; in its terse, bald diction there + is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human flesh, for which in + California there is no market since the abolition of slavery + and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman suffrage + had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner + would at once have understood the kind of purchase advised; for + in political transactions he had very often changed hands + himself. But it was all a muddle, and resolving to dismiss the + matter from his thoughts, he went to bed thinking of nothing + else; for many hours his excited imagination would do nothing + but purchase slightly damaged Sally Meekers by the bale, and + retail them to itself at an enormous profit.</p> + + <p>Next day, it flashed upon his memory who Sally Meeker + was—a racing mare! At this entirely obvious solution of + the problem he was overcome with amazement at his own sagacity. + Rushing into the street he purchased, not Sally Meeker, but a + sporting paper—and in it found the notice of a race which + was to come off the following week; and, sure enough, there it + was:</p> + + <p>"Budd Doble enters g.g. Clipper; Bob Scotty enters b.g. + Lightnin'; Staley Tupper enters s.s. Upandust; Sim Salper + enters b.m. Sally Meeker."</p> + + <p>It was clear now; the sender of the dispatch was "in the + know." Sally Meeker was to win, and her owner, who did not know + it, had offered her for sale. At that supreme moment Mr. + Stenner would willingly have been a rich man! In fact he + resolved to be. He at once betook him to Vallejo, where he had + lived until invited away by some influential citizens of the + place. There he immediately sought out an industrious friend + who had an amiable weakness for draw poker, and in whom Mr. + Stenner regularly encouraged that passion by going up against + him every payday and despoiling him of his hard earnings. He + did so this time, to the sum of one hundred dollars.</p> + + <p>No sooner had he raked in his last pool and refused his + friend's appeal for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for + breakfast than he bought a check on the Bank of California, + enclosed it in a letter containing merely the words "Bi Saly + Meker," and dispatched it by mail to the only clergyman in San + Francisco whose name he knew. Mr. Stenner had a vague notion + that all kinds of business requiring strict honesty and + fidelity might be profitably intrusted to the clergy; otherwise + what was the use of religion? I hope I shall not be accused of + disrespect to the cloth in thus bluntly setting forth Mr. + Stenner's estimate of the parsons, inasmuch as I do not share + it.</p> + + <p>This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's + revelry; at the end of which he worked his passage down to San + Francisco to secure his winnings on the race, and take charge + of his peerless mare. It will be observed that his notions + concerning races were somewhat confused; his experience of them + had hitherto been confined to that branch of the business + requiring, not technical knowledge but manual dexterity. In + short, he had done no more than pick the pockets of the + spectators. Arrived at San Francisco he was hastening to the + dwelling of his clerical agent, when he met an acquaintance, to + whom he put the triumphant question, "How about Sally + Meeker?"</p> + + <p>"Sally Meeker? Sally Meeker?" was the reply. "Oh, you mean + the hoss? Why she's gone up the flume. Broke her neck the first + heat. But ole Sim Salper is never a-goin' to fret hisself to a + shadder about it. He struck it pizen in the mine she was named + a'ter and the stock's gone up from nothin' out o' sight. You + couldn't tech that stock with a ten-foot pole!"</p> + + <p>Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error; the + message in the coat had evidently been sent to a broker, and + referred to the stock of the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, + Stenner, was a ruined man!</p> + + <p>Suddenly a great, monstrous, misbegotten and unmentionable + oath rolled from Mr. Stenner's tongue like a cannon shot hurled + along an uneven floor! Might it not be that the Rev. Mr. + Boltright had also misunderstood the message, and had bought, + not the mare, but the stock? The thought was electrical: Mr. + Stenner ran—he flew! He tarried not at walls and the + smaller sort of houses, but went through or over them! In five + minutes he stood before the good clergyman—and in one + more had asked, in a hoarse whisper, if he had bought any + "Sally Meeker."</p> + + <p>"My good friend," was the bland reply—"my fellow + traveler to the bar of God, it would better comport with your + spiritual needs to inquire what you should do to be saved. But + since you ask me, I will confess that having received what I am + compelled to regard as a Providential intimation, accompanied + with the secular means of obedience, I did put up a small + margin and purchase largely of the stock you mention. The + venture, I am constrained to state, was not wholly + unprofitable."</p> + + <p>Unprofitable? The good man had made a square twenty-five + thousand dollars on that small margin! To conclude—he has + it yet.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MR_SWIDDLERS_FLIP_FLAP"></a>MR. SWIDDLER'S + FLIP-FLAP</h2> + + <p>Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be + hanged on Friday, the ninth of November, at five o'clock in the + afternoon. This was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he + was then in prison. Jerome was my friend, and naturally I + differed with the jury that had convicted him as to the degree + of guilt implied by the conceded fact that he had shot an + Indian without direct provocation. Ever since his trial I had + been endeavoring to influence the Governor of the State to + grant a pardon; but public sentiment was against me, a fact + which I attributed partly to the innate pigheadness of the + people, and partly to the recent establishment of churches and + schools which had corrupted the primitive notions of a frontier + community. But I labored hard and unremittingly by all manner + of direct and indirect means during the whole period in which + Jerome lay under sentence of death; and on the very morning of + the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me, and + saying "he did not purpose being worried by my importunities + all winter," handed me the document which he had so often + refused.</p> + + <p>Armed with the precious paper, I flew to the telegraph + office to send a dispatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found + the operator locking the door of the office and putting up the + shutters. I pleaded in vain; he said he was going to see the + hanging, and really had no time to send my message. I must + explain that Flatbroke was fifteen miles away; I was then at + Swan Creek, the State capital.</p> + + <p>The operator being inexorable, I ran to the railroad station + to see how soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The + station man, with cool and polite malice, informed me that all + the employees of the road had been given a holiday to see + Jerome Bowles hanged, and had already gone by an early train; + that there would be no other train till the next day.</p> + + <p>I was now furious, but the station man quietly turned me + out, locking the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I + ordered a horse. Why prolong the record of my disappointment? + Not a horse could I get in that town; all had been engaged + weeks before to take people to the hanging. So everybody said, + at least, though I now know there was a rascally conspiracy to + defeat the ends of mercy, for the story of the pardon had got + abroad.</p> + + <p>It was now ten o'clock. I had only seven hours in which to + do my fifteen miles afoot; but I was an excellent walker and + thoroughly angry; there was no doubt of my ability to make the + distance, with an hour to spare. The railway offered the best + chance; it ran straight as a string across a level, treeless + prairie, whereas the highway made a wide detour by way of + another town.</p> + + <p>I took to the track like a Modoc on the war path. Before I + had gone a half-mile I was overtaken by "That Jim Peasley," as + he was called in Swan Creek, an incurable practical joker, + loved and shunned by all who knew him. He asked me as he came + up if I were "going to the show." Thinking it was best to + dissemble, I told him I was, but said nothing of my intention + to stop the performance; I thought it would be a lesson to That + Jim to let him walk fifteen miles for nothing, for it was clear + that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on ahead or + drop behind. But he could not very well do the former, and + would not do the latter; so we trudged on together. It was a + cloudy day and very sultry for that time of the year. The + railway stretched away before us, between its double row of + telegraph poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a point at + the horizon. On either hand the disheartening monotony of the + prairie was unbroken.</p> + + <p>I thought little of these things, however, for my mental + exaltation was proof against the depressing influence of the + scene. I was about to save the life of my friend—to + restore a crack shot to society. Indeed I scarcely thought of + That Jim, whose heels were grinding the hard gravel close + behind me, except when he saw fit occasionally to propound the + sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?" Of course + I was, but I would have died rather than confess it.</p> + + <p>We had gone in this way, about half the distance, probably, + in much less than half the seven hours, and I was getting my + second wind, when That Jim again broke the silence.</p> + + <p>"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?"</p> + + <p>This was quite true! in a season of pecuniary depression I + had once put my legs into my stomach—had turned my + athletic accomplishments to financial advantage. It was not a + pleasant topic, and I said nothing. That Jim persisted.</p> + + <p>"Wouldn't like to do a feller a somersault now, eh?"</p> + + <p>The mocking tongue of this jeer was intolerable; the fellow + evidently considered me "done up," so taking a short run I + clapped my hands to my thighs and executed as pretty a + flip-flap as ever was made without a springboard! At the moment + I came erect with my head still spinning, I felt That Jim crowd + past me, giving me a twirl that almost sent me off the track. A + moment later he had dashed ahead at a tremendous pace, laughing + derisively over his shoulder as if he had done a remarkably + clever thing to gain the lead.</p> + + <p>I was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I + must confess the fellow could walk amazingly. In half an hour I + had run past him, and at the end of the hour, such was my + slashing gait, he was a mere black dot in my rear, and appeared + to be sitting on one of the rails, thoroughly used up.</p> + + <p>Relieved of Mr. Peasley, I naturally began thinking of my + poor friend in the Flatbroke jail, and it occurred to me that + something might happen to hasten the execution. I knew the + feeling of the country against him, and that many would be + there from a distance who would naturally wish to get home + before nightfall. Nor could I help admitting to myself that + five o'clock was an unreasonably late hour for a hanging. + Tortured with these fears, I unconsciously increased my pace + with every step, until it was almost a run. I stripped off my + coat and flung it away, opened my collar, and unbuttoned my + waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming like a locomotive + engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers on the outskirts of + the town, and flourished the pardon crazily above my head, + yelling, "Cut him down!—cut him down!"</p> + + <p>Then, as every one stared in blank amazement and nobody said + anything, I found time to look about me, marveling at the oddly + familiar appearance of the town. As I looked, the houses, + streets, and everything seemed to undergo a sudden and + mysterious transposition with reference to the points of the + compass, as if swinging round on a pivot; and like one awakened + from a dream I found myself among accustomed scenes. To be + plain about it, I was back again in Swan Creek, as right as a + trivet!</p> + + <p>It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The designing + rascal had provoked me to throw a confusing somersault, then + bumped against me, turning me half round, and started on the + back track, thereby inciting me to hook it in the same + direction. The cloudy day, the two lines of telegraph poles, + one on each side of the track, the entire sameness of the + landscape to the right and left—these had all conspired + to prevent my observing that I had put about.</p> + + <p>When the excursion train returned from Flatbroke that + evening the passengers were told a little story at my expense. + It was just what they needed to cheer them up a bit after what + they had seen; for that flip-flap of mine had broken the neck + of Jerome Bowles seven miles away!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_LITTLE_STORY" id="THE_LITTLE_STORY"></a>THE LITTLE STORY</h2> + + <p>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ—<i>A Supernumerary Editor. A + Probationary Contributor</i>.</p> + + <p>SCENE—"<i>The Expounder" Office</i>.</p> + + <p>PROBATIONARY CONTRIBUTOR—Editor in?</p> + + <p>SUPERNUMERARY EDITOR—Dead.</p> + + <p>P.C.—The gods favor me. (<i>Produces roll of + manuscript</i>.) Here is a little story, which I will read to + you.</p> + + <p>S.E.—O, O!</p> + + <p>P.C.—(<i>Reads</i>.) "It was the last night of the + year—a naughty, noxious, offensive night. In the + principal street of San Francisco"—</p> + + <p>S.E.—Confound San Francisco!</p> + + <p>P.C.—It had to be somewhere. (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small + female orphan, marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare + feet imprinted cold kisses on the paving-stones as she put them + down and drew them up alternately. The chilling rain was having + a good time with her scalp, and toyed soppily with her + hair—her own hair. The night-wind shrewdly searched her + tattered garments, as if it had suspected her of smuggling. She + saw crowds of determined-looking persons grimly ruining + themselves in toys and confectionery for the dear ones at home, + and she wished she was in a position to ruin a + little—just a little. Then, as the happy throng sped by + her with loads of things to make the children sick, she leaned + against an iron lamp-post in front of a bake-shop and turned on + the wicked envy. She thought, poor thing, she would like to be + a cake—for this little girl was very hungry indeed. Then + she tried again, and thought she would like to be a tart with + smashed fruit inside; then she would be warmed over every day + and nobody would eat her. For the child was cold as well as + hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and thought she could be + very well content as an oven; for then she would be kept always + hot, and bakers would put all manner of good things into her + with a long shovel."</p> + + <p>S.E.—I've read that somewhere.</p> + + <p>P.C.—Very likely. This little story has never been + rejected by any paper to which I have offered it. It gets + better, too, every time I write it. When it first appeared in + <i>Veracity</i> the editor said it cost him a hundred + subscribers. Just mark the improvement! (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"The hours glided by—except a few that froze to the + pavement—until midnight. The streets were now deserted, + and the almanac having predicted a new moon about this time, + the lamps had been conscientiously extinguished. Suddenly a + great globe of sound fell from an adjacent church-tower, and + exploded on the night with a deep metallic boom. Then all the + clocks and bells began ringing-in the New Year—pounding + and banging and yelling and finishing off all the nervous + invalids left over from the preceding Sunday. The little orphan + started from her dream, leaving a small patch of skin on the + frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin blue hands and looked + upward, 'with mad disquietude,'"—</p> + + <p>S.E.—In <i>The Monitor</i> it was "with covetous + eyes."</p> + + <p>P.C.—I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, + Byron. (<i>Reads.</i>)</p> + + <p>"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently + from the clouds."</p> + + <p>S.E.—How about those angels?</p> + + <p>P.C.—The editor of <i>Good Will</i> cut 'em out. He + said San Francisco was no place for them; and I don't + believe——</p> + + <p>S.E.—There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little + story.</p> + + <p>P.C.—(<i>Reads</i>.) "As she stooped to take up the + tart a veal sandwich came whizzing down, and cuffed one of her + ears. Next a wheaten loaf made her dodge nimbly, and then a + broad ham fell flat-footed at her toes. A sack of flour burst + in the middle of the street; a side of bacon impaled itself on + an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a chain of sausages fell in + a circle around her, flattening out as if a road-roller had + passed over them. Then there was a lull—nothing came down + but dried fish, cold puddings and flannel under-clothing; but + presently her wishes began to take effect again, and a quarter + of beef descended with terrific momentum upon the top of the + little orphan's head."</p> + + <p>S.E.—How did the editor of <i>The Reasonable + Virtues</i> like that quarter of beef?</p> + + <p>P.C.—Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck + in a few dressed pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I + don't want outsiders altering the Little Story. + (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so. + Bedding, shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of + onions, quantities of loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic + fowls, crates of crockery and glassware, assorted house-keeping + things, cooking ranges, and tons of coal poured down in broad + cataracts from a bounteous heaven, piling themselves above that + infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was more than two + hours in clearing up; and as late as half-past three a + ponderous hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and + Kearney Streets, with an impact that shook the peninsula like + an earthquake and stopped every clock in town.</p> + + <p>"At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with + shovels and wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year + was an hour old, they had provided for all of these + provisions—had stowed them away in their cellars, and + nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready for sale to the + deserving poor."</p> + + <p>S.E.—And the little girl—what became of + <i>her</i>?</p> + + <p>P.C.—You musn't get ahead of the Little Story. + (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had + not been content with her lot some one brought a broom, and she + was carefully swept and smoothed out. Then they lifted her + tenderly, and carried her to the coroner. That functionary was + standing in the door of his office, and with a deprecatory wave + of his hand, he said to the man who was bearing her:</p> + + <p>"'There, go away, my good fellow; there was a man here three + times yesterday trying to sell me just such a map.'"</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap02"></a>THE PARENTICIDE CLUB</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MY_FAVORITE_MURDER" id="MY_FAVORITE_MURDER"></a>MY FAVORITE MURDER</h2> + + <p>Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular + atrocity, I was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted + seven years. In charging the jury, the judge of the Court of + Acquittal remarked that it was one of the most ghastly crimes + that he had ever been called upon to explain away.</p> + + <p>At this, my attorney rose and said:</p> + + <p>"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable + only by comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my + client's previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his + later offense (if offense it may be called) something in the + nature of tender forbearance and filial consideration for the + feelings of the victim. The appalling ferocity of the former + assassination was indeed inconsistent with any hypothesis but + that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the + honorable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a + life insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which + my client held a policy, it is hard to see how he could + decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like to hear + about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, + this unfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself + the pain of relating it under oath."</p> + + <p>The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a + statement would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony + in this case is closed. The prisoner's statement should have + been introduced three years ago, in the spring of 1881."</p> + + <p>"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and + in the Court of Objections and Technicalities you would get a + ruling in your favor. But not in a Court of Acquittal. The + objection is overruled."</p> + + <p>"I except," said the district attorney.</p> + + <p>"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you + that in order to take an exception you must first get this case + transferred for a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal + motion duly supported by affidavits. A motion to that effect by + your predecessor in office was denied by me during the first + year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the prisoner."</p> + + <p>The customary oath having been administered, I made the + following statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a + sense of the comparative triviality of the offense for which I + was on trial that he made no further search for mitigating + circumstances, but simply instructed the jury to acquit, and I + left the court, without a stain upon my reputation:</p> + + <p>"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and + reputable parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to + comfort me in my later years. In 1867 the family came to + California and settled near Nigger Head, where my father opened + a road agency and prospered beyond the dreams of avarice. He + was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his increasing years + have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his disposition, and + I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad event for + which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a genuine + hilarity.</p> + + <p>"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant + preacher came along, and having no other way to pay for the + night's lodging that we gave him, favored us with an + exhortation of such power that, praise God, we were all + converted to religion. My father at once sent for his brother, + the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival turned + over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise + nor plant—the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a + sawed-off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out of flour + sacks. The family then moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance + house. It was called 'The Saints' Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the + proceedings each night began with prayer. It was there that my + now sainted mother, by her grace in the dance, acquired the + <i>sobriquet</i> of 'The Bucking Walrus.'</p> + + <p>"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the + road to Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were + four other passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, + persons whom I identified as my Uncle William and his two sons + held up the stage. Finding nothing in the express box, they + went through the passengers. I acted a most honorable part in + the affair, placing myself in line with the others, holding up + my hands and permitting myself to be deprived of forty dollars + and a gold watch. From my behavior no one could have suspected + that I knew the gentlemen who gave the entertainment. A few + days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked for the return + of my money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they knew + nothing of the matter, and they affected a belief that my + father and I had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation + of commercial good faith. Uncle William even threatened to + retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at Ghost Rock. + As 'The Saints' Rest' had become rather unpopular, I saw that + this would assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so + I told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the past if he + would take me into the scheme and keep the partnership a secret + from my father. This fair offer he rejected, and I then + perceived that it would be better and more satisfactory if he + were dead.</p> + + <p>"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating + them to my dear parents I had the gratification of receiving + their approval. My father said he was proud of me, and my + mother promised that although her religion forbade her to + assist in taking human life I should have the advantage of her + prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure looking to my + security in case of detection I made an application for + membership in that powerful order, the Knights of Murder, and + in due course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock + commandery. On the day that my probation ended I was for the + first time permitted to inspect the records of the order and + learn who belonged to it—all the rites of initiation + having been conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in + looking over the roll of membership; I found the third name to + be that of my uncle, who indeed was junior vice-chancellor of + the order! Here was an opportunity exceeding my wildest + dreams—to murder I could add insubordination and + treachery. It was what my good mother would have called 'a + special Providence.'</p> + + <p>"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup + of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular + cataract of bliss. Three men, strangers in that locality, were + arrested for the stage robbery in which I had lost my money and + watch. They were brought to trial and, despite my efforts to + clear them and fasten the guilt upon three of the most + respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock, convicted on the + clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton and + reasonless as I could wish.</p> + + <p>"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going + over to my uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, + his wife, if he were at home, adding that I had come to kill + him. My aunt replied with her peculiar smile that so many + gentleman called on that errand and were afterward carried away + without having performed it that I must excuse her for doubting + my good faith in the matter. She said I did not look as if I + would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith I leveled my + rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing the + house. She said she knew whole families that could do a thing + of that kind, but Bill Ridley was a horse of another color. She + said, however, that I would find him over on the other side of + the creek in the sheep lot; and she added that she hoped the + best man would win.</p> + + <p>"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I + have ever met.</p> + + <p>"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a + sheep. Seeing that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had + not the heart to shoot him, so I approached him, greeted him + pleasantly and struck him a powerful blow on the head with the + butt of my rifle. I have a very good delivery and Uncle William + lay down on his side, then rolled over on his back, spread out + his fingers and shivered. Before he could recover the use of + his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using and cut his + hamstrings. You know, doubtless, that when you sever the + <i>tendo Achillis</i> the patient has no further use of his + leg; it is just the same as if he had no leg. Well, I parted + them both, and when he revived he was at my service. As soon as + he comprehended the situation, he said:</p> + + <p>"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be + generous. I have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that + you carry me to the house and finish me in the bosom of my + family.'</p> + + <p>"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I + would do so if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he + would be easier to carry that way and if we were seen by the + neighbors <i>en route</i> it would cause less remark. He agreed + to that, and going to the barn I got a sack. This, however, did + not fit him; it was too short and much wider than he; so I bent + his legs, forced his knees up against his breast and got him + into it that way, tying the sack above his head. He was a heavy + man and I had all that I could do to get him on my back, but I + staggered along for some distance until I came to a swing that + some of the children had suspended to the branch of an oak. + Here I laid him down and sat upon him to rest, and the sight of + the rope gave me a happy inspiration. In twenty minutes my + uncle, still in the sack, swung free to the sport of the + wind.</p> + + <p>"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the + mouth of the bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled + him up about five feet from the ground. Fastening the other end + of the rope also about the mouth of the sack, I had the + satisfaction to see my uncle converted into a large, fine + pendulum. I must add that he was not himself entirely aware of + the nature of the change that he had undergone in his relation + to the exterior world, though in justice to a good man's memory + I ought to say that I do not think he would in any case have + wasted much of my time in vain remonstrance.</p> + + <p>"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region + as a fighter. It was in a state of chronic constitutional + indignation. Some deep disappointment in early life had soured + its disposition and it had declared war upon the whole world. + To say that it would butt anything accessible is but faintly to + express the nature and scope of its military activity: the + universe was its antagonist; its methods that of a projectile. + It fought like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving the + atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and + descending upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence + to make the most of its velocity and weight. Its momentum, + calculated in foot-tons, was something incredible. It had been + seen to destroy a four year old bull by a single impact upon + that animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had ever been + known to resist its downward swoop; there were no trees tough + enough to stay it; it would splinter them into matchwood and + defile their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible and + implacable brute—this incarnate thunderbolt—this + monster of the upper deep, I had seen reposing in the shade of + an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest and glory. It was + with a view to summoning it forth to the field of honor that I + suspended its master in the manner described.</p> + + <p>"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the + avuncular pendulum a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover + behind a contiguous rock, lifted up my voice in a long rasping + cry whose diminishing final note was drowned in a noise like + that of a swearing cat, which emanated from the sack. Instantly + that formidable sheep was upon its feet and had taken in the + military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had + approached, stamping, to within fifty yards of the swinging + foeman, who, now retreating and anon advancing, seemed to + invite the fray. Suddenly I saw the beast's head drop earthward + as if depressed by the weight of its enormous horns; then a + dim, white, wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself from that + spot in a generally horizontal direction to within about four + yards of a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck + sharply upward, and before it had faded from my gaze at the + place whence it had set out I heard a horrid thump and a + piercing scream, and my poor uncle shot forward, with a slack + rope higher than the limb to which he was attached. Here the + rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and back he + swung in a breathless curve to the other end of his arc. The + ram had fallen, a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and + horns, but pulling itself together and dodging as its + antagonist swept downward it retired at random, alternately + shaking its head and stamping its fore-feet. When it had backed + about the same distance as that from which it had delivered the + assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in prayer for + victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before—a + prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with + a sharp ascension. Its course this time was at a right angle to + its former one, and its impatience so great that it struck the + enemy before he had nearly reached the lowest point of his arc. + In consequence he went flying round and round in a horizontal + circle whose radius was about equal to half the length of the + rope, which I forgot to say was nearly twenty feet long. His + shrieks, <i>crescendo</i> in approach and <i>diminuendo</i> in + recession, made the rapidity of his revolution more obvious to + the ear than to the eye. He had evidently not yet been struck + in a vital spot. His posture in the sack and the distance from + the ground at which he hung compelled the ram to operate upon + his lower extremities and the end of his back. Like a plant + that has struck its root into some poisonous mineral, my poor + uncle was dying slowly upward.</p> + + <p>"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again + retired. The fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain + was intoxicated with the wine of strife. Like a pugilist who in + his rage forgets his skill and fights ineffectively at + half-arm's length, the angry beast endeavored to reach its + fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he passed overhead, + sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly, but more + frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as + the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in + scope and diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the + ground, these tactics produced better results, eliciting a + superior quality of screams, which I greatly enjoyed.</p> + + <p>"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram + suspended hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling + and smoothing its great aquiline nose, and occasionally + cropping a bunch of grass and slowly munching it. It seemed to + have tired of war's alarms and resolved to beat the sword into + a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. Steadily it held + its course away from the field of fame until it had gained a + distance of nearly a quarter of a mile. There it stopped and + stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently + half asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of + its head, as if its apathy were more affected than real.</p> + + <p>"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his + motion, and nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and + at long intervals my name, uttered in pleading tones + exceedingly grateful to my ear. Evidently the man had not the + faintest notion of what was being done to him, and was + inexpressibly terrified. When Death comes cloaked in mystery he + is terrible indeed. Little by little my uncle's oscillations + diminished, and finally he hung motionless. I went to him and + was about to give him the <i>coup de grâce</i>, when I heard + and felt a succession of smart shocks which shook the ground + like a series of light earthquakes, and turning in the + direction of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust approaching me + with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect! At a distance + of some thirty yards away it stopped short, and from the near + end of it rose into the air what I at first thought a great + white bird. Its ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that + I could not realize its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in + admiration of its grace. To this day the impression remains + that it was a slow, deliberate movement, the ram—for it + was that animal—being upborne by some power other than + its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages of + its flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes followed + its progress through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all the + greater by contrast with my former terror of its approach by + land. Onward and upward the noble animal sailed, its head bent + down almost between its knees, its fore-feet thrown back, its + hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of a soaring + heron.</p> + + <p>"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection + presents it to view, it attained its zenith and appeared to + remain an instant stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward + without altering the relative position of its parts, it shot + downward on a steeper and steeper course with augmenting + velocity, passed immediately above me with a noise like the + rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle almost squarely + on the top of the head! So frightful was the impact that not + only the man's neck was broken, but the rope too; and the body + of the deceased, forced against the earth, was crushed to pulp + beneath the awful front of that meteoric sheep! The concussion + stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand and Dutch Dan's, and + Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in matters + seismic, who happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained + that the vibrations were from north to southwest.</p> + + <p>"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of + artistic atrocity my murder of Uncle William has seldom been + excelled."</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="OIL_OF_DOG" id="OIL_OF_DOG"></a>OIL OF DOG</h2> + + <p>My name is Boffer Bings. I was born of honest parents in one + of the humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of + dog-oil and my mother having a small studio in the shadow of + the village church, where she disposed of unwelcome babes. In + my boyhood I was trained to habits of industry; I not only + assisted my father in procuring dogs for his vats, but was + frequently employed by my mother to carry away the debris of + her work in the studio. In performance of this duty I sometimes + had need of all my natural intelligence for all the law + officers of the vicinity were opposed to my mother's business. + They were not elected on an opposition ticket, and the matter + had never been made a political issue; it just happened so. My + father's business of making dog-oil was, naturally, less + unpopular, though the owners of missing dogs sometimes regarded + him with suspicion, which was reflected, to some extent, upon + me. My father had, as silent partners, all the physicians of + the town, who seldom wrote a prescription which did not contain + what they were pleased to designate as <i>Ol. can</i>. It is + really the most valuable medicine ever discovered. But most + persons are unwilling to make personal sacrifices for the + afflicted, and it was evident that many of the fattest dogs in + town had been forbidden to play with me—a fact which + pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near + driving me to become a pirate.</p> + + <p>Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, + that by indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I + was the author of misfortunes profoundly affecting my + future.</p> + + <p>One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the + body of a foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable + who seemed to be closely watching my movements. Young as I was, + I had learned that a constable's acts, of whatever apparent + character, are prompted by the most reprehensible motives, and + I avoided him by dodging into the oilery by a side door which + happened to stand ajar. I locked it at once and was alone with + my dead. My father had retired for the night. The only light in + the place came from the furnace, which glowed a deep, rich + crimson under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on the + walls. Within the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent + ebullition, occasionally pushing to the surface a piece of dog. + Seating myself to wait for the constable to go away, I held the + naked body of the foundling in my lap and tenderly stroked its + short, silken hair. Ah, how beautiful it was! Even at that + early age I was passionately fond of children, and as I looked + upon this cherub I could almost find it in my heart to wish + that the small, red wound upon its breast—the work of my + dear mother—had not been mortal.</p> + + <p>It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river + which nature had thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but + that night I did not dare to leave the oilery for fear of the + constable. "After all," I said to myself, "it cannot greatly + matter if I put it into this cauldron. My father will never + know the bones from those of a puppy, and the few deaths which + may result from administering another kind of oil for the + incomparable <i>ol. can</i>. are not important in a population + which increases so rapidly." In short, I took the first step in + crime and brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into + the cauldron.</p> + + <p>The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing + his hands with satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he + had obtained the finest quality of oil that was ever seen; that + the physicians to whom he had shown samples had so pronounced + it. He added that he had no knowledge as to how the result was + obtained; the dogs had been treated in all respects as usual, + and were of an ordinary breed. I deemed it my duty to + explain—which I did, though palsied would have been my + tongue if I could have foreseen the consequences. Bewailing + their previous ignorance of the advantages of combining their + industries, my parents at once took measures to repair the + error. My mother removed her studio to a wing of the factory + building and my duties in connection with the business ceased; + I was no longer required to dispose of the bodies of the small + superfluous, and there was no need of alluring dogs to their + doom, for my father discarded them altogether, though they + still had an honorable place in the name of the oil. So + suddenly thrown into idleness, I might naturally have been + expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did not. The + holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect + me from the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a + deacon in a church. Alas, that through my fault these estimable + persons should have come to so bad an end!</p> + + <p>Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now + devoted herself to it with a new assiduity. She removed not + only superfluous and unwelcome babes to order, but went out + into the highways and byways, gathering in children of a larger + growth, and even such adults as she could entice to the oilery. + My father, too, enamored of the superior quality of oil + produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and zeal. The + conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in short, + the one passion of their lives—an absorbing and + overwhelming greed took possession of their souls and served + them in place of a hope in Heaven—by which, also, they + were inspired.</p> + + <p>So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting + was held and resolutions passed severely censuring them. It was + intimated by the chairman that any further raids upon the + population would be met in a spirit of hostility. My poor + parents left the meeting broken-hearted, desperate and, I + believe, not altogether sane. Anyhow, I deemed it prudent not + to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside in + a stable.</p> + + <p>At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise + and peer through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew + my father now slept. The fires were burning as brightly as if + the following day's harvest had been expected to be abundant. + One of the large cauldrons was slowly "walloping" with a + mysterious appearance of self-restraint, as if it bided its + time to put forth its full energy. My father was not in bed; he + had risen in his nightclothes and was preparing a noose in a + strong cord. From the looks which he cast at the door of my + mother's bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in + mind. Speechless and motionless with terror, I could do nothing + in prevention or warning. Suddenly the door of my mother's + apartment was opened, noiselessly, and the two confronted each + other, both apparently surprised. The lady, also, was in her + night clothes, and she held in her right hand the tool of her + trade, a long, narrow-bladed dagger.</p> + + <p>She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit + which the unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had + left her. For one instant they looked into each other's blazing + eyes and then sprang together with indescribable fury. Round + and round the room they struggled, the man cursing, the woman + shrieking, both fighting like demons—she to strike him + with the dagger, he to strangle her with his great bare hands. + I know not how long I had the unhappiness to observe this + disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at last, + after a more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants + suddenly moved apart.</p> + + <p>My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences + of contact. For another instant they glared at each other in + the most unamiable way; then my poor, wounded father, feeling + the hand of death upon him, leaped forward, unmindful of + resistance, grasped my dear mother in his arms, dragged her to + the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his failing + energies, and sprang in with her! In a moment, both had + disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee + of citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to + the public meeting.</p> + + <p>Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every + avenue to an honorable career in that town, I removed to the + famous city of Otumwee, where these memoirs are written with a + heart full of remorse for a heedless act entailing so dismal a + commercial disaster.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="AN_IMPERFECT_CONFLAGRATION"></a>AN IMPERFECT + CONFLAGRATION</h2> + + <p>Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father—an + act which made a deep impression on me at the time. This was + before my marriage, while I was living with my parents in + Wisconsin. My father and I were in the library of our home, + dividing the proceeds of a burglary which we had committed that + night. These consisted of household goods mostly, and the task + of equitable division was difficult. We got on very well with + the napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware was + parted pretty nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that + when you try to divide a single music-box by two without a + remainder you will have trouble. It was that music-box which + brought disaster and disgrace upon our family. If we had left + it my poor father might now be alive.</p> + + <p>It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of + workmanship—inlaid with costly woods and carven very + curiously. It would not only play a great variety of tunes, but + would whistle like a quail, bark like a dog, crow every morning + at daylight whether it was wound up or not, and break the Ten + Commandments. It was this last mentioned accomplishment that + won my father's heart and caused him to commit the only + dishonorable act of his life, though possibly he would have + committed more if he had been spared: he tried to conceal that + music-box from me, and declared upon his honor that he had not + taken it, though I knew very well that, so far as he was + concerned, the burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the + purpose of obtaining it.</p> + + <p>My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had + worn cloaks by way of disguise. He had solemnly assured me that + he did not take it. I knew that he did, and knew something of + which he was evidently ignorant; namely, that the box would + crow at daylight and betray him if I could prolong the division + of profits till that time. All occurred as I wished: as the + gaslight began to pale in the library and the shape of the + windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long + cock-a-doodle-doo came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak, + followed by a few bars of an aria from <i>Tannhauser</i>, + ending with a loud click. A small hand-axe, which we had used + to break into the unlucky house, lay between us on the table; I + picked it up. The old man seeing that further concealment was + useless took the box from under his cloak and set it on the + table. "Cut it in two if you prefer that plan," said he; "I + tried to save it from destruction."</p> + + <p>He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play + the concertina with expression and feeling.</p> + + <p>I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it + would be presumptuous in me to sit in judgment on my father. + But business is business, and with this axe I am going to + effect a dissolution of our partnership unless you will consent + in all future burglaries to wear a bell-punch."</p> + + <p>"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do + that; it would look like a confession of dishonesty. People + would say that you distrusted me."</p> + + <p>I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for + a moment I was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, + but a glance at the richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, + as I said, I removed the old man from this vale of tears. + Having done so, I was a trifle uneasy. Not only was he my + father—the author of my being—but the body would be + certainly discovered. It was now broad daylight and my mother + was likely to enter the library at any moment. Under the + circumstances, I thought it expedient to remove her also, which + I did. Then I paid off all the servants and discharged + them.</p> + + <p>That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what + I had done and asked his advice. It would be very painful to me + if the facts became publicly known. My conduct would be + generally condemned; the newspapers would bring it up against + me if ever I should run for office. The chief saw the force of + these considerations; he was himself an assassin of wide + experience. After consulting with the presiding judge of the + Court of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to conceal the + bodies in one of the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on the + house and burn it down. This I proceeded to do.</p> + + <p>In the library was a book-case which my father had recently + purchased of some cranky inventor and had not filled. It was in + shape and size something like the old-fashioned "wardrobes" + which one sees in bed-rooms without closets, but opened all the + way down, like a woman's night-dress. It had glass doors. I had + recently laid out my parents and they were now rigid enough to + stand erect; so I stood them in this book-case, from which I + had removed the shelves. I locked them in and tacked some + curtains over the glass doors. The inspector from the insurance + office passed a half-dozen times before the case without + suspicion.</p> + + <p>That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house + and started through the woods to town, two miles away, where I + managed to be found about the time the excitement was at its + height. With cries of apprehension for the fate of my parents, + I joined the rush and arrived at the fire some two hours after + I had kindled it. The whole town was there as I dashed up. The + house was entirely consumed, but in one end of the level bed of + glowing embers, bolt upright and uninjured, was that book-case! + The curtains had burned away, exposing the glass-doors, through + which the fierce, red light illuminated the interior. There + stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and at his + side the partner of his joys and sorrows. Not a hair of them + was singed, their clothing was intact. On their heads and + throats the injuries which in the accomplishment of my designs + I had been compelled to inflict were conspicuous. As in the + presence of a miracle, the people were silent; awe and terror + had stilled every tongue. I was myself greatly affected.</p> + + <p>Some three years later, when the events herein related had + nearly faded from my memory, I went to New York to assist in + passing some counterfeit United States bonds. Carelessly + looking into a furniture store one day, I saw the exact + counterpart of that book-case. "I bought it for a trifle from a + reformed inventor," the dealer explained. "He said it was + fireproof, the pores of the wood being filled with alum under + hydraulic pressure and the glass made of asbestos. I don't + suppose it is really fireproof—you can have it at the + price of an ordinary book-case."</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't + take it"—and I bade him good morning.</p> + + <p>I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories + that were exceedingly disagreeable.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_HYPNOTIST" id="THE_HYPNOTIST"></a>THE HYPNOTIST</h2> + + <p>By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes + amuse myself with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred + phenomena, I am frequently asked if I have a clear conception + of the nature of whatever principle underlies them. To this + question I always reply that I neither have nor desire to have. + I am no investigator with an ear at the key-hole of Nature's + workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity to steal the secrets of + her trade. The interests of science are as little to me as mine + seem to have been to science.</p> + + <p>Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and + in no way transcend our powers of comprehension if only we + could find the clew; but for my part I prefer not to find it, + for I am of a singularly romantic disposition, deriving more + gratification from mystery than from knowledge. It was commonly + remarked of me when I was a child that my big blue eyes + appeared to have been made rather to look into than look out + of—such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent + periods of abstraction, their indifference to what was going + on. In those peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, + the soul which lies behind them, always more intent upon some + lovely conception which it has created in its own image than + concerned about the laws of nature and the material frame of + things. All this, irrelevant and egotistic as it may seem, is + related by way of accounting for the meagreness of the light + that I am able to throw upon a subject that has engaged so much + of my attention, and concerning which there is so keen and + general a curiosity. With my powers and opportunities, another + person might doubtless have an explanation for much of what I + present simply as narrative.</p> + + <p>My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to + me in my fourteenth year, when at school. Happening one day to + have forgotten to bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly + at that of a small girl who was preparing to eat hers. Looking + up, her eyes met mine and she seemed unable to withdraw them. + After a moment of hesitancy she came forward in an absent kind + of way and without a word surrendered her little basket with + its tempting contents and walked away. Inexpressibly pleased, I + relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket. After that I had + not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that little + girl was my daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying + my simple need from her frugal store I combined pleasure and + profit by constraining her attendance at the feast and making + misleading proffer of the viands, which eventually I consumed + to the last fragment. The girl was always persuaded that she + had eaten all herself; and later in the day her tearful + complaints of hunger surprised the teacher, entertained the + pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and filled + me with a peace past understanding.</p> + + <p>A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory + condition of things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of + the luncheon, for example, had to be made at some distance from + the madding crowd, in a wood; and I blush to think of the many + other unworthy subterfuges entailed by the situation. As I was + (and am) naturally of a frank and open disposition, these + became more and more irksome, and but for the reluctance of my + parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new + <i>régime</i> I would gladly have reverted to the old. The plan + that I finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of + my own powers excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and + that part of it which consisted in the death of the girl was + severely condemned, but it is hardly pertinent to the scope of + this narrative.</p> + + <p>For some years afterward I had little opportunity to + practice hypnotism; such small essays as I made at it were + commonly barren of other recognition than solitary confinement + on a bread-and-water diet; sometimes, indeed, they elicited + nothing better than the cat-o'-nine-tails. It was when I was + about to leave the scene of these small disappointments that my + one really important feat was performed.</p> + + <p>I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit + of civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great + deal of advice, which I am bound to confess was of a much + better quality than the clothing. As I was passing out of the + gate into the light of freedom I suddenly turned and looking + the warden gravely in the eye, soon had him in control.</p> + + <p>"You are an ostrich," I said.</p> + + <p>At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to + contain a great quantity of indigestible articles mostly of + wood or metal. Stuck fast in the œsophagus and + constituting, according to the Coroner's jury, the immediate + cause of death, one door-knob.</p> + + <p>I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took + my way into the great world from which I had been so long + secluded I could not help remembering that all my misfortunes + had flowed like a stream from the niggard economy of my parents + in the matter of school luncheons; and I knew of no reason to + think they had reformed.</p> + + <p>On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a + little open field which once contained a shanty known as Pete + Gilstrap's Place, where that gentleman used to murder travelers + for a living. The death of Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of + nearly all the travel to another road occurred so nearly at the + same time that no one has ever been able to say which was cause + and which effect. Anyhow, the field was now a desolation and + the Place had long been burned. It was while going afoot to + South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found both my + parents on their way to the Hill. They had hitched their team + and were eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the + field. The sight of the luncheon called up painful memories of + my school days and roused the sleeping lion in my breast. + Approaching the guilty couple, who at once recognized me, I + ventured to suggest that I share their hospitality.</p> + + <p>"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with + characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is + sufficient for but two. I am not, I hope, insensible to the + hunger-light in your eyes, but—"</p> + + <p>My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook + for hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist. + In a few seconds he was at my service. A few more sufficed for + the lady, and the dictates of a just resentment could be + carried into effect. "My former father," I said, "I presume + that it is known to you that you and this lady are no longer + what you were?"</p> + + <p>"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather + dubious reply of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable + to age."</p> + + <p>"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to + character—to species. You and the lady here are, in + truth, two <i>broncos</i>—wild stallions both, and + unfriendly."</p> + + <p>"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to + say that I am—"</p> + + <p>"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon + hers, "you are."</p> + + <p>Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped + upon her hands and knees, and backing up to the old man + squealed like a demon and delivered a vicious kick upon his + shin! An instant later he was himself down on all-fours, headed + away from her and flinging his feet at her simultaneously and + successively. With equal earnestness but inferior agility, + because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her own. Their + flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering way; + their feet sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies + thrust forward, falling flat upon the ground and for a moment + helpless. On recovering themselves they would resume the + combat, uttering their frenzy in the nameless sounds of the + furious brutes which they believed themselves to be—the + whole region rang with their clamor! Round and round they + wheeled, the blows of their feet falling "like lightnings from + the mountain cloud." They plunged and reared backward upon + their knees, struck savagely at each other with awkward + descending blows of both fists at once, and dropped again upon + their hands as if unable to maintain the upright position of + the body. Grass and pebbles were torn from the soil by hands + and feet; clothing, hair, faces inexpressibly defiled with dust + and blood. Wild, inarticulate screams of rage attested the + delivery of the blows; groans, grunts and gasps their receipt. + Nothing more truly military was ever seen at Gettysburg or + Waterloo: the valor of my dear parents in the hour of danger + can never cease to be to me a source of pride and + gratification. At the end of it all two battered, tattered, + bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality attested the + solemn fact that the author of the strife was an orphan.</p> + + <p>Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and + have ever since been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and + Continuances whence, after fifteen years of proceedings, my + attorney is moving heaven and earth to get the case taken to + the Court of Remandment for New Trials.</p> + + <p>Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious + force or agency known as hypnotic suggestion. Whether or not it + could be employed by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am + unable to say.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap03"></a>THE FOURTH ESTATE</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MR_MASTHEAD_JOURNALIST"></a>MR. MASTHEAD, + JOURNALIST</h2> + + <p>While I was in Kansas I purchased a weekly + newspaper—the <i>Claybank Thundergust of Reform</i>. This + paper had never paid its expenses; it had ruined four + consecutive publishers; but my brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson + Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to run for the Legislature, + and I naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to + have an organ in Claybank to assist in his political + extinction. When the establishment came into my hands, the + editor was a fellow who had "opinions," and him I at once + discharged with an admonition. I had some difficulty in + procuring a successor; every man in the county applied for the + place. I could not appoint one without having to fight a + majority of the others, and was eventually compelled to write + to a friend at Warm Springs, in the adjoining State of + Missouri, to send me an editor from abroad whose instalment at + the helm of manifest destiny could have no local + significance.</p> + + <p>The man he sent me was a frowsy, seedy fellow, named + Masthead—not larger, apparently, than a boy of sixteen + years, though it was difficult to say from the outside how much + of him was editor and how much cast-off clothing; for in the + matter of apparel he had acted upon his favorite professional + maxim, and "sunk the individual;" his attire—eminently + eclectic, and in a sense international—quite overcame him + at all points. However, as my friend had assured me he was "a + graduate of one of the largest institutions in his native + State," I took him in and bought a pen for him. My instructions + to him were brief and simple.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Masthead," said I, "it is the policy of the + <i>Thundergust</i> first, last, and all the time, in this world + and the next, to resent the intrusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril + into politics."</p> + + <p>The first thing the little rascal did was to write a + withering leader denouncing Mr. Scandril as a "demagogue, the + degradation of whose political opinions was only equaled by the + disgustfulness of the family connections of which those + opinions were the spawn!"</p> + + <p>I hastened to point out to Mr. Masthead that it had never + been the policy of the <i>Thundergust</i> to attack the family + relations of an offensive candidate, although this was not + strictly true.</p> + + <p>"I am very sorry," he replied, running his head up out of + his clothes till it towered as much as six inches above the + table at which he sat; "no offense, I hope."</p> + + <p>"Oh, none in the world," said I, as carelessly as I could + manage it; "only I don't think it a legitimate—that is, + an effective, method of attack."</p> + + <p>"Mr. Johnson," said he—I was passing as Johnson at + that time, I remember—"Mr. Johnson, I think it <i>is</i> + an effective method. Personally I might perhaps prefer another + line of argument in this particular case, and personally + perhaps you might; but in our profession personal + considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we + must sink the individual. In opposing the election of your + relative, sir, you have set the seal of your heavy displeasure + upon the sin of nepotism, and for this I respect you; nepotism + must be got under! But in the display of Roman virtues, sir, we + must go the whole hog. When in the interest of public + morality"—Mr. Masthead was now gesticulating earnestly + with the sleeves of his coat—"Virginius stabbed his + daughter, was he influenced by personal considerations? When + Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf, did he not sink the + individual?"</p> + + <p>I admitted that he did, but feeling in a contentious mood, + prolonged the discussion by leisurely loading and capping a + revolver; but, prescient of my argument, Mr. Masthead avoided + refutation by hastily adjourning the debate. I sent him a note + that evening, filling-in a few of the details of the policy + that I had before sketched in outline. Amongst other things I + submitted that it would be better for us to exalt Mr. + Scandril's opponent than to degrade himself. To this Mr. + Masthead reluctantly assented—"sinking the individual," + he reproachfully explained, "in the dependent + employee—the powerless bondsman!" The next issue of the + <i>Thundergust</i> contained, under the heading, "Invigorating + Zephyrs," the following editorial article:</p> + + <p>"Last week we declared our unalterable opposition to the + candidacy of Mr. Jefferson Scandril, and gave reasons for the + faith that is in us. For the first time in its history this + paper made a clear, thoughtful, and adequate avowal and + exposition of eternal principle! Abandoning for the present the + stand we then took, let us trace the antecedents of Mr. + Scandril's opponent up to their source. It has been urged + against Mr. Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the + lunatic asylum at Warm Springs, in the adjoining commonwealth + of Missouri. This cuckoo cry—raised though it is by dogs + of political darkness—we shall not stoop to controvert, + for it is accidentally true; but next week we shall show, as by + the stroke of an enchanter's wand, that this great statesman's + detractors would probably not derive any benefits from a + residence in the same institution, their mental aberration + being rottenly incurable!"</p> + + <p>I thought this rather strong and not quite to the point; but + Masthead said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very + little known in Claybank, had "served a term" in the Warm + Springs asylum, and the issue must be boldly met—that + evasion and denial were but forms of prostration beneath the + iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he seemed to inflate and + expand so as almost to fill his clothes, and the fire of his + eye somehow burned into me an impression—since + effaced—that a just cause is not imperiled by a trifling + concession to fact. So, leaving the matter quite in my editor's + hands I went away to keep some important engagements, the + paragraph having involved me in several duels with the friends + of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather hard that I should have to + defend my new editor's policy against the supporters of my own + candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the right and they + knew nothing whatever about the matter in dispute, not one of + them having ever before so much as heard of the now famous Warm + Springs asylum. But I would not shirk even the humblest + journalistic duty; I fought these fellows and acquitted myself + as became a man of letters and a politician. The hurts I got + were some time healing, and in the interval every prominent + member of my party who came to Claybank to speak to the people + regarded it as a simple duty to call first at my house, make a + tender inquiry as to the progress of my recovery and leave a + challenge. My physician forbade me to read a line of anything; + the consequence was that Masthead had it all his own way with + the paper. In looking over the old files now, I find that he + devoted his entire talent and all the space of the paper, + including what had been the advertising columns, to confessing + that our candidate had been an inmate of a lunatic asylum, and + contemptuously asking the opposing party what they were going + to do about it.</p> + + <p>All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the + challenges became intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. + Masthead to whip round to the other side and support my + brother-in-law. Masthead "sank the individual," and duly + announced, with his accustomed frankness, our change of policy. + Then Mr. Broskin came down to Claybank—to thank me! He + was a fine, respectable-looking gentleman, and impressed me + very favorably. But Masthead was in when he called, and the + effect upon <i>him</i> was different. He shrank into a mere + heap of old clothes, turned white, and chattered his teeth. + Noting this extraordinary behavior, I at once sought an + explanation.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Broskin," said I, with a meaning glance at the + trembling editor, "from certain indications I am led to fear + that owing to some mistake we may have been doing you an + injustice. May I ask you if you were really ever in the Lunatic + asylum at Warm Springs, Missouri?"</p> + + <p>"For three years," he replied, quietly, "I was the physician + in charge of that institution. Your son"—turning to + Masthead, who was flying all sorts of colors—"was, if I + mistake not, one of my patients. I learn that a few weeks ago a + friend of yours, named Norton, secured the young man's release + upon your promise to take care of him yourself in future. I + hope that home associations have improved the poor fellow. It's + very sad!"</p> + + <p>It was indeed. Norton was the name of the man to whom I had + written for an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever + an obliging fellow.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="WHY_I_AM_NOT_EDITING_THE_STINGER"></a>WHY I AM NOT + EDITING "THE STINGER"</h2> + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 9 A.M.</p> + + <p>A man has called to ask "who wrote that article about Mr. + Muskler." I told him to find out, and he says that is what he + means to do. He has consented to amuse himself with the + exchanges while I ask you. I don't approve the article.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor</i>.</p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 10 A.M.</p> + + <p>Do you happen to remember how Dacier translates <i>Difficile + est proprie communia dicere</i>? I've made a note of it + somewhere, but can't find it. If you remember please leave a + memorandum of it on your table, and I'll get it when I come + down this afternoon.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered + about that fellow Muskler.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 11:30 A.M.</p> + + <p>I can't be impolite to a stranger, you know; I must tell him + <i>somebody</i> wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is + drumming on the floor with the end of his stick; I fear the + people in the shop below won't like it. Besides, the foreman + says it disturbs the compositors in the next room. Suppose you + come down.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 1 P.M.</p> + + <p>I have found the note I made of that translation, but it is + in French and I can't make it out. Try the man with the + dictionary and the "Books of Dates." They ought to last him + till it's time to close the office. I shall be down early + to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p>P.S.—How big is he? Suggest a civil suit for + libel.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've offered + him the dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is + sitting on my table. Come at once!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 5 P.M.</p> + + <p>I don't think I shall. I am doing an article for this week + on "The Present Aspect of the Political Horizon." Expect me + <i>very</i> early to-morrow. You had better turn the man out + and shut up the office.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 8 A.M.</p> + + <p>Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend, the large + gentleman who was with him all day yesterday, is here again. He + seems very desirous of seeing you, and says he will wait. + Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought I would tell you he was + here, so that you might hasten down.</p> + + <p>Ought I to allow dogs in the office? The gentleman has a + bull-dog.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 9.30 A.M.</p> + + <p>Certainly <i>not;</i> dogs have fleas. The man is an + impostor. Oblige me by turning him out. I shall come down this + afternoon—<i>early</i>.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with + him!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 12 M.</p> + + <p>The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you mind coming down + and reasoning with him? I have a wife and five children + depending on me, and when I lose my temper I am likely to go + too far. I would prefer that <i>you</i> should turn him + out.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 2 P.M.</p> + + <p>Do you suppose I can leave my private correspondence to + preserve you from the intrusion and importunities of beggars? + Put the scoundrel out at once—neck and heels! I know him; + he's Muskler—don't you remember? Muskler, the coward, who + assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole circumstances + related in last Saturday's issue. Out with him—the + unmanly sneak!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday Evening.</p> + + <p>I have told him to go, and he laughed. So did the bull-dog. + But he is going. He is now making a bed for the pup in one + corner of your room, with some rugs and old newspapers, and + appears to be about to go to dinner. I have given him your + address. The foreman wants some copy to go on with. I beg you + will come at once if I am to be left alone with that dog.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 10 A.M.</p> + + <p>I should have come down to the office last evening, but you + see I have been moving. My landlady was too filthy dirty for + anything! I stood it as long as I could; then I left. I'm + coming directly I get your answer to this; but I want to know, + first, if my blotter has been changed and my ink-well refilled. + This house is a good way out, but the boy can take the car at + the corner of Cobble and Slush streets.</p> + + <p>O!—about that <i>man</i>? Of course you have not seen + him since.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>William Quoin, Foreman, to Peter Pitchin, + Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Wednesday, 12 M.</p> + + <p>I've got your note to Inxling; he ain't come down this + morning. I haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys are + all throwing in dead ads. There's a man and a dog in the + proprietor's office; I don't believe they ought to be there, + all alone, but they were here all Monday and yesterday, and may + be connected with the business management of the paper; so I + don't like to order them out. Perhaps you will come down and + speak to them. We shall have to go away if you don't send + copy.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to William Quoin, + Foreman.</i></p> + + <p class="address">40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>Your note astonishes me. The man you describe is a notorious + thief. Get the compositors all together, and make a rush at + him. Don't try to keep him, but hustle him out of town, and + I'll be down as soon as I can get a button sewn on my + collar.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Give it him good!—don't mention my address + and he can't complain to me how you treat him. Bust his + bugle!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Friday, 2 P.M.</p> + + <p>Business has detained me from the office until now, and what + do I find? Not a soul about the place, no copy, not a stickful + of live matter on the galleys! There can be no paper this week. + What you have all done with yourselves I am sure I don't know; + one would suppose there had been smallpox about the place. You + will please come down and explain this Hegira at once—at + once, if you please!</p> + + <p>P.S.—That troublesome Muskler—you may remember + he dropped in on Monday to inquire about something or + other—has taken a sort of shop exactly opposite here, and + seems, at this distance, to be doing something to a shotgun. I + presume he is a gunsmith. So we are precious well rid of + <i>him</i>.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor</i>.</p> + + <p class="address">PIER NO. 3, Friday Evening.</p> + + <p>Just a line or two to say I am suddenly called away to bury + my sick mother. When that is off my mind I'll write you what I + know about the Hegira, the Flight into Egypt, the Retreat of + the Ten Thousand, and whatever else you would like to learn. + There is nothing mean about <i>me!</i> I don't think there has + been any wilful desertion. You may engage an editor for, say, + fifty years, with the privilege of keeping him regularly, if, + at the end of that time, I should break my neck hastening + back.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I hope that poor fellow Muskier will make a fair + profit in the gunsmithing line. Jump him for an ad!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CORRUPTING_THE_PRESS"></a>CORRUPTING THE PRESS</h2> + + <p>When Joel Bird was up for Governor of Missouri, Sam Henly + was editing the Berrywood <i>Bugle</i>; and no sooner was the + nomination made by the State Convention than he came out hot + against the party. He was an able writer, was Sam, and the lies + he invented about our candidate were shocking! That, however, + we endured very well, but presently Sam turned squarely about + and began telling the truth. <i>This</i> was a little too much; + the County Committee held a hasty meeting, and decided that it + must be stopped; so I, Henry Barber, was sent for to make + arrangements to that end. I knew something of Sam: had + purchased him several times, and I estimated his present value + at about one thousand dollars. This seemed to the committee a + reasonable figure, and on my mentioning it to Sam he said "he + thought that about the fair thing; it should never be said that + the <i>Bugle</i> was a hard paper to deal with." There was, + however, some delay in raising the money; the candidates for + the local offices had not disposed of their autumn hogs yet, + and were in financial straits. Some of them contributed a pig + each, one gave twenty bushels of corn, another a flock of + chickens; and the man who aspired to the distinction of County + Judge paid his assessment with a wagon. These things had to be + converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the meantime + Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our + political camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his + hand; he invariably replied that it was no bargain until he had + the money. The committeemen were furious; it required all my + eloquence to prevent their declaring the contract null and + void; but at last a new, clean one thousand-dollar note was + passed over to me, which in hot haste I transferred to Sam at + his residence.</p> + + <p>That evening there was a meeting of the committee: all + seemed in high spirits again, except Hooker of Jayhawk. This + old wretch sat back and shook his head during the entire + session, and just before adjournment said, as he took his hat + to go, that p'r'aps'twas orl right and on the squar'; maybe + thar war'n't any shenannigan, but <i>he</i> war + dubersome—yes, he war dubersome. The old curmudgeon + repeated this until I was exasperated beyond restraint.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Hooker," said I, "I've known Sam Henly ever since he + was <i>so</i> high, and there isn't an honester man in old + Missouri. Sam Henly's word is as good as his note! What's more, + if any gentleman thinks he would enjoy a first-class funeral, + and if he will supply the sable accessories, I'll supply the + corpse. And he can take it home with him from this + meeting."</p> + + <p>At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving.</p> + + <p>Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next + day. When I stepped into the street I saw at once that + something was "up." There were knots of people gathered at the + corners, some reading eagerly that morning's issue of the + <i>Bugle</i>, some gesticulating, and others stalking moodily + about muttering curses, not loud but deep. Suddenly I heard an + excited clamor—a confused roar of many lungs, and the + trampling of innumerable feet. In this babel of noises I could + distinguish the words "Kill him!" "Wa'm his hide!" and so + forth; and, looking up the street, I saw what seemed to be the + whole male population racing down it. I am very excitable, and, + though I did not know whose hide was to be warmed, nor why + anyone was to be killed, I shot off in front of the howling + masses, shouting "Kill him!" and "Warm his hide!" as loudly as + the loudest, all the time looking out for the victim. Down the + street we flew like a storm; then I turned a corner, thinking + the scoundrel must have gone up <i>that</i> street; then bolted + through a public square; over a bridge; under an arch; finally + back into the main street; yelling like a panther, and resolved + to slaughter the first human being I should overtake. The crowd + followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as I shrieked, + and—all at once it came to me that <i>I</i> was the man + whose hide was to be warmed!</p> + + <p>It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery + gave me; happily I was within a few yards of the + committee-rooms, and into these I dashed, closing and bolting + the doors behind me, and mounting the stairs like a flash. The + committee was in solemn session, sitting in a nice, even row on + the front benches, each man with his elbows on his knees, and + his chin resting in the palms of his hands—thinking. At + each man's feet lay a neglected copy of the <i>Bugle</i>. Every + member fixed his eyes on me, but no one stirred, none uttered a + sound. There was something awful in this preternatural silence, + made more impressive by the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside, + breaking down the door. I could endure it no longer, but strode + forward and snatched up the paper lying at the feet of the + chairman. At the head of the editorial columns, in letters half + an inch long, were the following amazing head-lines:</p> + + <p>"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The + Vampires Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game! The Rat Gnaws a + File! The Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod Over a + Free People! Base Endeavor to Bribe the Editor of this Paper + with <i>a Twenty-Dollar Note</i>! The Money Given to the Orphan + Asylum."</p> + + <p>I read no farther, but stood stockstill in the center of the + floor, and fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it + seemed a mere trifle. Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did + not know there was so much money in the world. Twenty—no, + eighty—one thousand dollars! There were big, black + figures floating all over the floor. Incessant cataracts of + them poured down the walls, stopped, and shied off as I looked + at them, and began to go it again when I lowered my eyes. + Occasionally the figures 20 would take shape somewhere about + the floor, and then the figures 980 would slide up and overlay + them. Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's dream, they would + all march away and devour the fat naughts of the number 1,000. + And dancing like gnats in the air were myriads of little + caduceus-like, phantoms, thus—$$$$$. I could not at all + make it out, but began to comprehend my position directly Old + Hooker, without moving from his seat, began to drown the noise + of countless feet on the stairs by elevating his thin + falsetto:</p> + + <p>"P'r'aps, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mr. + Henly can't tell a lie; but I'm powerful dubersome that thar's + a balyance dyue this yer committee from the gent who hez the + flo'—if he ain't done gone laid it yout fo' sable + ac—ac—fo' fyirst-class funerals."</p> + + <p>I felt at that moment as if I should like to play the + leading character in a first-class funeral myself. I felt that + every man in my position ought to have a nice, comfortable + coffin, with a silver door-plate, a foot-warmer, and + bay-windows for his ears. How do you suppose you would have + felt?</p> + + <p>My leap from the window of that committee room, my speed in + streaking it for the adjacent forest, my self-denial in ever + afterward resisting the impulse to return to Berrywood and look + after my political and material interests there—these I + have always considered things to be justly proud of, and I hope + I am proud of them.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BUBBLE_REPUTATION"></a>"THE BUBBLE + REPUTATION"</h2> + + <h3>HOW ANOTHER MAN'S WAS SOUGHT AND PRICKED</h3> + + <p>It was a stormy night in the autumn of 1930. The hour was + about eleven. San Francisco lay in darkness, for the laborers + at the gas works had struck and destroyed the company's + property because a newspaper to which a cousin of the manager + was a subscriber had censured the course of a potato merchant + related by marriage to a member of the Knights of Leisure. + Electric lights had not at that period been reinvented. The sky + was filled with great masses of black cloud which, driven + rapidly across the star-fields by winds unfelt on the earth and + momentarily altering their fantastic forms, seemed instinct + with a life and activity of their own and endowed with awful + powers of evil, to the exercise of which they might at any time + set their malignant will.</p> + + <p>An observer standing, at this time, at the corner of + Paradise avenue and Great White Throne walk in Sorrel Hill + cemetery would have seen a human figure moving among the graves + toward the Superintendent's residence. Dimly and fitfully + visible in the intervals of thinner gloom, this figure had a + most uncanny and disquieting aspect. A long black cloak + shrouded it from neck to heel. Upon its head was a slouch hat, + pulled down across the forehead and almost concealing the face, + which was further hidden by a half-mask, only the beard being + occasionally visible as the head was lifted partly above the + collar of the cloak. The man wore upon his feet jack-boots + whose wide, funnel-shaped legs had settled down in many a fold + and crease about his ankles, as could be seen whenever accident + parted the bottom of the cloak. His arms were concealed, but + sometimes he stretched out the right to steady himself by a + headstone as he crept stealthily but blindly over the uneven + ground. At such times a close scrutiny of the hand would have + disclosed in the palm the hilt of a poniard, the blade of which + lay along the wrist, hidden in the sleeve. In short, the man's + garb, his movements, the hour—everything proclaimed him a + reporter.</p> + + <p>But what did he there?</p> + + <p>On the morning of that day the editor of the <i>Daily + Malefactor</i> had touched the button of a bell numbered 216 + and in response to the summons Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, + reporter, had been shot into the room out of an inclined + tube.</p> + + <p>"I understand," said the editor, "that you are 216—am + I right?"</p> + + <p>"That," said the reporter, catching his breath and adjusting + his clothing, both somewhat disordered by the celerity of his + flight through the tube,—"that is my number."</p> + + <p>"Information has reached us," continued the editor, "that + the Superintendent of the Sorrel Hill cemetery—one + Inhumio, whose very name suggests inhumanity—is guilty of + the grossest outrages in the administration of the great trust + confided to his hands by the sovereign people."</p> + + <p>"The cemetery is private property," faintly suggested + 216.</p> + + <p>"It is alleged," continued the great man, disdaining to + notice the interruption, "that in violation of popular rights + he refuses to permit his accounts to be inspected by + representatives of the press."</p> + + <p>"Under the law, you know, he is responsible to the directors + of the cemetery company," the reporter ventured to + interject.</p> + + <p>"They say," pursued the editor, heedless, "that the inmates + are in many cases badly lodged and insufficiently clad, and + that in consequence they are usually cold. It is asserted that + they are never fed—except to the worms. Statements have + been made to the effect that males and females are permitted to + occupy the same quarters, to the incalculable detriment of + public morality. Many clandestine villainies are alleged of + this fiend in human shape, and it is desirable that his + underground methods be unearthed in the <i>Malefactor</i>. If + he resists we will drag his family skeleton from the privacy of + his domestic closet. There is money in it for the paper, fame + for you—are you ambitious, 216?"</p> + + <p>"I am—bitious."</p> + + <p>"Go, then," cried the editor, rising and waving his hand + imperiously—"go and 'seek the bubble reputation'."</p> + + <p>"The bubble shall be sought," the young man replied, and + leaping into a man-hole in the floor, disappeared. A moment + later the editor, who after dismissing his subordinate, had + stood motionless, as if lost in thought, sprang suddenly to the + man-hole and shouted down it: "Hello, 216?"</p> + + <p>"Aye, aye, sir," came up a faint and far reply.</p> + + <p>"About that 'bubble reputation'—you understand, I + suppose, that the reputation which you are to seek is that of + the other man."</p> + + <p>In the execution of his duty, in the hope of his employer's + approval, in the costume of his profession, Mr. Longbo + Spittleworth, otherwise known as 216, has already occupied a + place in the mind's eye of the intelligent reader. Alas for + poor Mr. Inhumio!</p> + + <p>A few days after these events that fearless, independent and + enterprising guardian and guide of the public, the San + Francisco <i>Daily Malefactor</i>, contained a whole-page + article whose headlines are here presented with some necessary + typographical mitigation:</p> + + <p>"Hell Upon Earth! Corruption Rampant in the Management of + the Sorrel Hill Cemetery. The Sacred City of the Dead in the + Leprous Clutches of a Demon in Human Form. Fiendish Atrocities + Committed in 'God's Acre.' The Holy Dead Thrown around Loose. + Fragments of Mothers. Segregation of a Beautiful Young Lady Who + in Life Was the Light of a Happy Household. A Superintendent + Who Is an Ex-Convict. How He Murdered His Neighbor to Start the + Cemetery. He Buries His Own Dead Elsewhere. Extraordinary + Insolence to a Representative of the Public Press. Little + Eliza's Last Words: 'Mamma, Feed Me to the Pigs.' A Moonshiner + Who Runs an Illicit Bone-Button Factory in One Corner of the + Grounds. Buried Head Downward. Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies. + Dancing on the Dead. Devilish Mutilation—a Pile of Late + Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears. No Separation of the Sexes; + Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded. 'Veal' as Supplied to the + Superintendent's Employees. A Miscreant's Record from His + Birth. Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong + Indications of Collusion. Nameless Abnormalities. 'Doubled Up + Like a Nut-Cracker.' 'Wasn't Planted White.' Horribly + Significant Reduction in the Price of Lard. The Question of the + Hour: Whom Do You Fry Your Doughnuts In?"</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap04"></a>THE OCEAN WAVE</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION" id="A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION"></a>A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION</h2> + + <p>As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and + not a bit nice, and she hoped I never, never <i>would</i> come + back. So I shipped as mate on the <i>Mudlark</i>, bound from + London to wherever the captain might think it expedient to + sail. It had not been thought advisable to hamper Captain + Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, + it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way + to make the voyage unprofitable. The owners of the + <i>Mudlark</i> had grown wise in their generation, and now let + him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying such cargoes as he + fancied to ports where the nicest women were. On the voyage of + which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would + only make the <i>Mudlark</i> heavy and slow. To hear this + mariner talk one would have supposed he did not know very much + about commerce.</p> + + <p>We had a few passengers—not nearly so many as we had + laid in basins and stewards for; for before coming off to the + ship most of those who had bought tickets would inquire whither + she was bound, and when not informed would go back to their + hotels and send a bandit on board to remove their baggage. But + there were enough left to be rather troublesome. They + cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when drunk, and + the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the + forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship's + compass. They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let + the big anchor go, just to hear it plunge in the water, + threatening in case of refusal to write to the newspapers. A + favorite amusement with them was to sit in the lee of the + bulwarks, relating their experiences in former + voyages—voyages distinguished in every instance by two + remarkable features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes + and the entire immunity of the narrator from seasickness. It + was very interesting to see them sitting in a row telling these + things, each man with a basin between his legs.</p> + + <p>One day there arose a great storm. The sea walked over the + ship as if it had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy + it all it could. The <i>Mudlark</i> labored very much—far + more, indeed, than the crew did; for these innocents had + discovered in possession of one of their number a pair of + leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play + cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had + owned them a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed + over to the winner that there was little but the seat + remaining, and that immortal part the captain finally kicked + overboard—not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly spirit, + but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of + trousers.</p> + + <p>The storm increased in violence until it succeeded in so + straining the <i>Mudlark</i> that she took in water like a + teetotaler; then it appeared to get relief directly. This may + be said in justice to a storm at sea: when it has broken off + your masts, pulled out your rudder, carried away your boats and + made a nice hole in some inaccessible part of your hull it will + often go away in search of a fresh ship, leaving you to take + such measures for your comfort as you may think fit. In our + case the captain thought fit to sit on the taffrail reading a + three-volume novel.</p> + + <p>Seeing he had got about half way through the second volume, + at which point the lovers would naturally be involved in the + most hopeless and heart-rending difficulties, I thought he + would be in a particularly cheerful humor, so I approached him + and informed him the ship was going down.</p> + + <p>"Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his + forefinger between the pages to mark his place, "she never + would be good for much after such a shaking-up as this. But, I + say—I wish you would just send the bo'sn for'd there to + break up that prayer-meeting. The <i>Mudlark</i> isn't a + seamen's chapel, I suppose."</p> + + <p>"But," I replied, impatiently, "can't something be done to + lighten the ship?"</p> + + <p>"Well," he drawled, reflectively, "seeing she hasn't any + masts left to cut away, nor any cargo to—stay, you might + throw over some of the heaviest of the passengers if you think + it would do any good."</p> + + <p>It was a happy thought—the intuition of genius. + Walking rapidly forward to the foc'sle, which, being highest + out of water, was crowded with passengers, I seized a stout old + gentleman by the nape of the neck, pushed him up to the rail, + and chucked him over. He did not touch the water: he fell on + the apex of a cone of sharks which sprang up from the sea to + meet him, their noses gathered to a point, their tails just + clearing the surface. I think it unlikely that the old + gentleman knew what disposition had been made of him. Next, I + hurled over a woman and flung a fat baby to the wild winds. The + former was sharked out of sight, the same as the old man; the + latter divided amongst the gulls.</p> + + <p>I am relating these things exactly as they occurred. It + would be very easy to make a fine story out of all this + material—to tell how that, while I was engaged in + lightening the ship, I was touched by the self-sacrificing + spirit of a beautiful young woman, who, to save the life of her + lover, pushed her aged mother forward to where I was operating, + imploring me to take the old lady, but spare, O, spare her dear + Henry. I might go on to set forth how that I not only did take + the old lady, as requested, but immediately seized dear Henry, + and sent him flying as far as I could to leeward, having first + broken his back across the rail and pulled a double-fistful of + his curly hair out. I might proceed to state that, feeling + appeased, I then stole the long boat and taking the beautiful + maiden pulled away from the ill-fated ship to the church of St. + Massaker, Fiji, where we were united by a knot which I + afterward untied with my teeth by eating her. But, in truth, + nothing of all this occurred, and I can not afford to be the + first writer to tell a lie just to interest the reader. What + really did occur is this: as I stood on the quarter-deck, + heaving over the passengers, one after another, Captain + Abersouth, having finished his novel, walked aft and quietly + hove <i>me</i> over.</p> + + <p>The sensations of a drowning man have been so often related + that I shall only briefly explain that memory at once displayed + her treasures: all the scenes of my eventful life crowded, + though without confusion or fighting, into my mind. I saw my + whole career spread out before me, like a map of Central Africa + since the discovery of the gorilla. There were the cradle in + which I had lain, as a child, stupefied with soothing syrups; + the perambulator, seated in which and propelled from behind, I + overthrew the schoolmaster, and in which my infantile spine + received its curvature; the nursery-maid, surrendering her lips + alternately to me and the gardener; the old home of my youth, + with the ivy and the mortgage on it; my eldest brother, who by + will succeeded to the family debts; my sister, who ran away + with the Count von Pretzel, coachman to a most respectable New + York family; my mother, standing in the attitude of a saint, + pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent + palpitators from Madame Fahertini's; my venerable father, + sitting in his chimney corner, his silvered head bowed upon his + breast, his withered hands crossed patiently in his lap, + waiting with Christian resignation for death, and drunk as a + lord—all this, and much more, came before my mind's eye, + and there was no charge for admission to the show. Then there + was a ringing sound in my ears, my senses swam better than I + could, and as I sank down, down, through fathomless depths, the + amber light falling through the water above my head failed and + darkened into blackness. Suddenly my feet struck something + firm—it was the bottom. Thank heaven, I was saved!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_CAPTAIN_OF_THE_CAMEL"></a>THE CAPTAIN OF "THE + CAMEL"</h2> + + <p>This ship was named the <i>Camel</i>. In some ways she was + an extraordinary vessel. She measured six hundred tons; but + when she had taken in enough ballast to keep her from upsetting + like a shot duck, and was provisioned for a three months' + voyage, it was necessary to be mighty fastidious in the choice + of freight and passengers. For illustration, as she was about + to leave port a boat came alongside with two passengers, a man + and his wife. They had booked the day before, but had remained + ashore to get one more decent meal before committing themselves + to the "briny cheap," as the man called the ship's fare. The + woman came aboard, and the man was preparing to follow, when + the captain leaned over the side and saw him.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the captain, "what do <i>you</i> want?"</p> + + <p>"What do <i>I</i> want?" said the man, laying hold of the + ladder. "I'm a-going to embark in this here ship—that's + what I want."</p> + + <p>"Not with all that fat on you," roared the captain. "You + don't weigh an ounce less than eighteen stone, and I've got to + have in my anchor yet. You wouldn't have me leave the anchor, I + suppose?"</p> + + <p>The man said he did not care about the anchor—he was + just as God had made him (he looked as if his cook had had + something to do with it) and, sink or swim, he purposed + embarking in that ship. A good deal of wrangling ensued, but + one of the sailors finally threw the man a cork life-preserver, + and the captain said that would lighten him and he might come + abroad.</p> + + <p>This was Captain Abersouth, formerly of the + <i>Mudlark</i>—as good a seaman as ever sat on the + taffrail reading a three volume novel. Nothing could equal this + man's passion for literature. For every voyage he laid in so + many bales of novels that there was no stowage for the cargo. + There were novels in the hold, and novels between-decks, and + novels in the saloon, and in the passengers' beds.</p> + + <p>The <i>Camel</i> had been designed and built by her owner, + an architect in the City, and she looked about as much like a + ship as Noah's Ark did. She had bay windows and a veranda; a + cornice and doors at the water-line. These doors had knockers + and servant's bells. There had been a futile attempt at an + area. The passenger saloon was on the upper deck, and had a + tile roof. To this humplike structure the ship owed her name. + Her designer had erected several churches—that of St. + Ignotus is still used as a brewery in Hotbath + Meadows—and, possessed of the ecclesiastic idea, had + given the <i>Camel</i> a transept; but, finding this impeded + her passage through the water, he had it removed. This weakened + the vessel amidships. The mainmast was something like a + steeple. It had a weathercock. From this spire the eye + commanded one of the finest views in England.</p> + + <p>Such was the <i>Camel</i> when I joined her in 1864 for a + voyage of discovery to the South Pole. The expedition was under + the "auspices" of the Royal Society for the Promotion of Fair + Play. At a meeting of this excellent association, it had been + "resolved" that the partiality of science for the North Pole + was an invidious distinction between two objects equally + meritorious; that Nature had marked her disapproval of it in + the case of Sir John Franklin and many of his imitators; that + it served them very well right; that this enterprise should be + undertaken as a protest against the spirit of undue bias; and, + finally, that no part of the responsibility or expense should + devolve upon the society in its corporate character, but any + individual member might contribute to the fund if he were fool + enough. It is only common justice to say that none of them was. + The <i>Camel</i> merely parted her cable one day while I + happened to be on board—drifted out of the harbor + southward, followed by the execrations of all who knew her, and + could not get back. In two months she had crossed the equator, + and the heat began to grow insupportable.</p> + + <p>Suddenly we were becalmed. There had been a fine breeze up + to three o'clock in the afternoon and the ship had made as much + as two knots an hour when without a word of warning the sails + began to belly the wrong way, owing to the impetus that the + ship had acquired; and then, as this expired, they hung as limp + and lifeless as the skirts of a clawhammer coat. The + <i>Camel</i> not only stood stock still but moved a little + backward toward England. Old Ben the boatswain said that he'd + never knowed but one deader calm, and that, he explained, was + when Preacher Jack, the reformed sailor, had got excited in a + sermon in a seaman's chapel and shouted that the Archangel + Michael would chuck the Dragon into the brig and give him a + taste of the rope's-end, damn his eyes!</p> + + <p>We lay in this woful state for the better part of a year, + when, growing impatient, the crew deputed me to look up the + captain and see if something could not be done about it. I + found him in a remote cobwebby corner between-decks, with a + book in his hand. On one side of him, the cords newly cut, were + three bales of "Ouida"; on the other a mountain of Miss M.E. + Braddon towered above his head. He had finished "Ouida" and was + tackling Miss Braddon. He was greatly changed.</p> + + <p>"Captain Abersouth," said I, rising on tiptoe so as to + overlook the lower slopes of Mrs. Braddon, "will you be good + enough to tell me how long this thing is going on?"</p> + + <p>"Can't say, I'm sure," he replied without pulling his eyes + off the page. "They'll probably make up about the middle of the + book. In the meantime old Pondronummus will foul his top-hamper + and take out his papers for Looney Haven, and young Monshure de + Boojower will come in for a million. Then if the proud and fair + Angelica doesn't luff and come into his wake after pizening + that sea lawyer, Thundermuzzle, I don't know nothing about the + deeps and shallers of the human heart."</p> + + <p>I could not take so hopeful a view of the situation, and + went on deck, feeling very much discouraged. I had no sooner + got my head out than I observed that the ship was moving at a + high rate of speed!</p> + + <p>We had on board a bullock and a Dutchman. The bullock was + chained by the neck to the foremast, but the Dutchman was + allowed a good deal of liberty, being shut up at night only. + There was bad blood between the two—a feud of long + standing, having its origin in the Dutchman's appetite for milk + and the bullock's sense of personal dignity; the particular + cause of offense it would be tedious to relate. Taking + advantage of his enemy's afternoon <i>siesta</i>, the Dutchman + had now managed to sneak by him, and had gone out on the + bowsprit to fish. When the animal waked and saw the other + creature enjoying himself he straddled his chain, leveled his + horns, got his hind feet against the mast and laid a course for + the offender. The chain was strong, the mast firm, and the + ship, as Byron says, "walked the water like a thing of + course."</p> + + <p>After that we kept the Dutchman right where he was, night + and day, the old <i>Camel</i> making better speed than she had + ever done in the most favorable gale. We held due south.</p> + + <p>We had now been a long time without sufficient food, + particularly meat. We could spare neither the bullock nor the + Dutchman; and the ship's carpenter, that traditional first aid + to the famished, was a mere bag of bones. The fish would + neither bite nor be bitten. Most of the running-tackle of the + ship had been used for macaroni soup; all the leather work, our + shoes included, had been devoured in omelettes; with oakum and + tar we had made fairly supportable salad. After a brief + experimental career as tripe the sails had departed this life + forever. Only two courses remained from which to choose; we + could eat one another, as is the etiquette of the sea, or + partake of Captain Abersouth's novels. Dreadful + alternative!—but a choice. And it is seldom, I think, + that starving sailormen are offered a shipload of the best + popular authors ready-roasted by the critics.</p> + + <p>We ate that fiction. The works that the captain had thrown + aside lasted six months, for most of them were by the + best-selling authors and were pretty tough. After they were + gone—of course some had to be given to the bullock and + the Dutchman—we stood by the captain, taking the other + books from his hands as he finished them. Sometimes, when we + were apparently at our last gasp, he would skip a whole page of + moralizing, or a bit of description; and always, as soon as he + clearly foresaw the <i>dénoûement</i>—which he generally + did at about the middle of the second volume—the work was + handed over to us without a word of repining.</p> + + <p>The effect of this diet was not unpleasant but remarkable. + Physically, it sustained us; mentally, it exalted us; morally, + it made us but a trifle worse than we were. We talked as no + human beings ever talked before. Our wit was polished but + without point. As in a stage broadsword combat, every cut has + its parry, so in our conversation every remark suggested the + reply, and this necessitated a certain rejoinder. The sequence + once interrupted, the whole was bosh; when the thread was + broken the beads were seen to be waxen and hollow.</p> + + <p>We made love to one another, and plotted darkly in the + deepest obscurity of the hold. Each set of conspirators had its + proper listener at the hatch. These, leaning too far over would + bump their heads together and fight. Occasionally there was + confusion amongst them: two or more would assert a right to + overhear the same plot. I remember at one time the cook, the + carpenter, the second assistant-surgeon, and an able seaman + contended with handspikes for the honor of betraying my + confidence. Once there were three masked murderers of the + second watch bending at the same instant over the sleeping form + of a cabin-boy, who had been heard to mutter, a week + previously, that he had "Gold! gold!" the accumulation of + eighty—yes, eighty—years' piracy on the high seas, + while sitting as M.P. for the borough of Zaccheus-cum-Down, and + attending church regularly. I saw the captain of the foretop + surrounded by suitors for his hand, while he was himself + fingering the edge of a packing-case, and singing an amorous + ditty to a lady-love shaving at a mirror.</p> + + <p>Our diction consisted, in about equal parts, of classical + allusion, quotation from the stable, simper from the scullery, + cant from the clubs, and the technical slang of heraldry. We + boasted much of ancestry, and admired the whiteness of our + hands whenever the skin was visible through a fault in the + grease and tar. Next to love, the vegetable kingdom, murder, + arson, adultery and ritual, we talked most of art. The wooden + figure-head of the <i>Camel</i>, representing a Guinea nigger + detecting a bad smell, and the monochrome picture of two + back-broken dolphins on the stern, acquired a new importance. + The Dutchman had destroyed the nose of the one by kicking his + toes against it, and the other was nearly obliterated by the + slops of the cook; but each had its daily pilgrimage, and each + constantly developed occult beauties of design and subtle + excellences of execution. On the whole we were greatly altered; + and if the supply of contemporary fiction had been equal to the + demand, the <i>Camel</i>, I fear, would not have been strong + enough to contain the moral and æsthetic forces fired by the + maceration of the brains of authors in the gastric juices of + sailors.</p> + + <p>Having now got the ship's literature off his mind into ours, + the captain went on deck for the first time since leaving port. + We were still steering the same course, and, taking his first + observation of the sun, the captain discovered that we were in + latitude 83° south. The heat was insufferable; the air was like + the breath of a furnace within a furnace. The sea steamed like + a boiling cauldron, and in the vapor our bodies were temptingly + parboiled—our ultimate meal was preparing. Warped by the + sun, the ship held both ends high out of the water; the deck of + the forecastle was an inclined plane, on which the bullock + labored at a disadvantage; but the bowsprit was now vertical + and the Dutchman's tenure precarious. A thermometer hung + against the mainmast, and we grouped ourselves about it as the + captain went up to examine the register.</p> + + <p>"One hundred and ninety degrees Fahrenheit!" he muttered in + evident astonishment. "Impossible!" Turning sharply about, he + ran his eyes over us, and inquired in a peremptory tone, "who's + been in command while I was runnin' my eye over that book?"</p> + + <p>"Well, captain," I replied, as respectfully as I knew how, + "the fourth day out I had the unhappiness to be drawn into a + dispute about a game of cards with your first and second + officers. In the absence of those excellent seamen, sir, I + thought it my duty to assume control of the ship."</p> + + <p>"Killed 'em, hey?"</p> + + <p>"Sir, they committed suicide by questioning the efficacy of + four kings and an ace."</p> + + <p>"Well, you lubber, what have you to say in defense of this + extraordinary weather?"</p> + + <p>"Sir, it is no fault of mine. We are far—very far + south, and it is now the middle of July. The weather is + uncomfortable, I admit; but considering the latitude and + season, it is not, I protest, unseasonable."</p> + + <p>"Latitude and season!" he shrieked, livid with + rage—"latitude and season! Why, you junk-rigged, + flat-bottomed, meadow lugger, don't you know any better than + that? Didn't yer little baby brother ever tell ye that southern + latitudes is colder than northern, and that July is the middle + o' winter here? Go below, you son of a scullion, or I'll break + your bones!"</p> + + <p>"Oh! very well," I replied; "I'm not going to stay on deck + and listen to such low language as that, I warn you. Have it + your own way."</p> + + <p>The words had no sooner left my lips, than a piercing cold + wind caused me to cast my eye upon the thermometer. In the new + régime of science the mercury was descending rapidly; but in a + moment the instrument was obscured by a blinding fall of snow. + Towering icebergs rose from the water on every side, hanging + their jagged masses hundreds of feet above the masthead, and + shutting us completely in. The ship twisted and writhed; her + decks bulged upward, and every timber groaned and cracked like + the report of a pistol. The <i>Camel</i> was frozen fast. The + jerk of her sudden stopping snapped the bullock's chain, and + sent both that animal and the Dutchman over the bows, to + accomplish their warfare on the ice.</p> + + <p>Elbowing my way forward to go below, as I had threatened, I + saw the crew tumble to the deck on either hand like ten-pins. + They were frozen stiff. Passing the captain, I asked him + sneeringly how he liked the weather under the new régime. He + replied with a vacant stare. The chill had penetrated to the + brain, and affected his mind. He murmured:</p> + + <p>"In this delightful spot, happy in the world's esteem, and + surrounded by all that makes existence dear, they passed the + remainder of their lives. The End."</p> + + <p>His jaw dropped. The captain of the <i>Camel</i> was + dead.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_MAN_OVERBOARD" id="THE_MAN_OVERBOARD"></a>THE MAN OVERBOARD</h2> + + <h3>I</h3> + + <p>The good ship <i>Nupple-duck</i> was drifting rapidly upon a + sunken coral reef, which seemed to extend a reasonless number + of leagues to the right and left without a break, and I was + reading Macaulay's "Naseby Fight" to the man at the wheel. + Everything was, in fact, going on as nicely as heart could + wish, when Captain Abersouth, standing on the companion-stair, + poked his head above deck and asked where we were. Pausing in + my reading, I informed him that we had got as far as the + disastrous repulse of Prince Rupert's cavalry, adding that if + he would have the goodness to hold his jaw we should be making + it awkward for the wounded in about three minutes, and he might + bear a hand at the pockets of the slain. Just then the ship + struck heavily, and went down!</p> + + <p>Calling another ship, I stepped aboard, and gave directions + to be taken to No. 900 Tottenham Court Road, where I had an + aunt; then, walking aft to the man at the wheel, asked him if + he would like to hear me read "Naseby Fight." He thought he + would: he would like to hear that, and then I might pass on to + something else—Kinglake's "Crimean War," the proceedings + at the trial of Warren Hastings, or some such trifle, just to + wile away the time till eight bells.</p> + + <p>All this time heavy clouds had been gathering along the + horizon directly in front of the ship, and a deputation of + passengers now came to the man at the wheel to demand that she + be put about, or she would run into them, which the spokesman + explained would be unusual. I thought at the time that it + certainly was not the regular thing to do, but, as I was myself + only a passenger, did not deem it expedient to take a part in + the heated discussion that ensued; and, after all, it did not + seem likely that the weather in those clouds would be much + worse than that in Tottenham Court Road, where I had an + aunt.</p> + + <p>It was finally decided to refer the matter to arbitration, + and after many names had been submitted and rejected by both + sides, it was agreed that the captain of the ship should act as + arbitrator if his consent could be obtained, and I was + delegated to conduct the negotiations to that end. With + considerable difficulty, I persuaded him to accept the + responsibility.</p> + + <p>He was a feeble-minded sort of fellow named Troutbeck, who + was always in a funk lest he should make enemies; never + reflecting that most men would a little rather be his enemies + than not. He had once been the ship's cook, but had cooked so + poisonously ill that he had been forcibly transferred from + galley to quarter-deck by the dyspeptic survivors of his + culinary career.</p> + + <p>The little captain went aft with me to listen to arguments + of the dissatisfied passengers and the obstinate steersman, as + to whether we should take our chances in the clouds, or tail + off and run for the opposite horizon; but on approaching the + wheel, we found both helmsman and passengers in a condition of + profound astonishment, rolling their eyes about towards every + point of the compass, and shaking their heads in hopeless + perplexity. It was rather remarkable, certainly: the bank of + cloud which had worried the landsmen was now directly astern, + and the ship was cutting along lively in her own wake, toward + the point from which she had come, and straight away from + Tottenham Court Road! Everybody declared it was a miracle; the + chaplain was piped up for prayers, and the man at the wheel was + as truly penitent as if he had been detected robbing an empty + poor-box.</p> + + <p>The explanation was simple enough, and dawned upon me the + moment I saw how matters stood. During the dispute between the + helmsman and the deputation, the former had renounced his wheel + to gesticulate, and I, thinking no harm, had amused myself, + during a rather tedious debate, by revolving the thing this way + and that, and had unconsciously put the ship about. By a + coincidence not unusual in low latitudes, the wind had effected + a corresponding transposition at the same time, and was now + bowling us as merrily back toward the place where I had + embarked, as it had previously wafted us in the direction of + Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt. I must here so far + anticipate, as to explain that some years later these various + incidents—particularly the reading of "Naseby + Fight"—led to the adoption, in our mercantile marine, of + a rule which I believe is still extant, to the effect that one + must not speak to the man at the wheel unless the man at the + wheel speaks first.</p> + + <h3>II</h3> + + <p>It is only by inadvertence that I have omitted the + information that the vessel in which I was now a pervading + influence was the <i>Bonnyclabber</i> (Troutbeck, master), of + Malvern Heights.</p> + + <p>The <i>Bonnyclabber's</i> reactionary course had now brought + her to the spot at which I had taken passage. Passengers and + crew, fatigued by their somewhat awkward attempts to manifest + their gratitude for our miraculous deliverance from the + cloud-bank, were snoring peacefully in unconsidered attitudes + about the deck, when the lookout man, perched on the supreme + extremity of the mainmast, consuming a cold sausage, began an + apparently preconcerted series of extraordinary and + unimaginable noises. He coughed, sneezed, and barked + simultaneously—bleated in one breath, and cackled in the + next—sputteringly shrieked, and chatteringly squealed, + with a bass of suffocated roars. There were desolutory vocal + explosions, tapering off in long wails, half smothered in + unintelligible small-talk. He whistled, wheezed, and trumpeted; + began to sharp, thought better of it and flatted; neighed like + a horse, and then thundered like a drum! Through it all he + continued making incomprehensible signals with one hand while + clutching his throat with the other. Presently he gave it up, + and silently descended to the deck.</p> + + <p>By this time we were all attention; and no sooner had he set + foot amongst us, than he was assailed with a tempest of + questions which, had they been visible, would have resembled a + flight of pigeons. He made no reply—not even by a look, + but passed through our enclosing mass with a grim, defiant + step, a face deathly white, and a set of the jaw as of one + repressing an ambitious dinner, or ignoring a venomous + toothache. For the poor man was choking!</p> + + <p>Passing down the companion-way, the patient sought the + surgeon's cabin, with the ship's company at his heels. The + surgeon was fast asleep, the lark-like performance at the + masthead having been inaudible in that lower region. While some + of us were holding a whisky-bottle to the medical nose, in + order to apprise the medical intelligence of the demand upon + it, the patient seated himself in statuesque silence. By this + time his pallor, which was but the mark of a determined mind, + had given place to a fervent crimson, which visibly deepened + into a pronounced purple, and was ultimately superseded by a + clouded blue, shot through with opalescent gleams, and smitten + with variable streaks of black. The face was swollen and + shapeless, the neck puffy. The eyes protruded like pegs of a + hat-stand.</p> + + <p>Pretty soon the doctor was got awake, and after making a + careful examination of his patient, remarking that it was a + lovely case of <i>stopupagus œsophagi</i>, took a tool + and set to work, producing with no difficulty a cold sausage of + the size, figure, and general bearing of a somewhat + self-important banana. The operation had been performed amid + breathless silence, but the moment it was concluded the + patient, whose neck and head had visibly collapsed, sprang to + his feet and shouted:</p> + + <p>"Man overboard!"</p> + + <p>That is what he had been trying to say.</p> + + <p>There was a confused rush to the upper deck, and everybody + flung something over the ship's side—a life-belt, a + chicken-coop, a coil of rope, a spar, an old sail, a pocket + handkerchief, an iron crowbar—any movable article which + it was thought might be useful to a drowning man who had + followed the vessel during the hour that had elapsed since the + initial alarm at the mast-head. In a few moments the ship was + pretty nearly dismantled of everything that could be easily + renounced, and some excitable passenger having cut away the + boats there was nothing more that we could do, though the + chaplain explained that if the ill-fated gentleman in the wet + did not turn up after a while it was his intention to stand at + the stern and read the burial service of the Church of + England.</p> + + <p>Presently it occurred to some ingenious person to inquire + who had gone overboard, and all hands being mustered and the + roll called, to our great chagrin every man answered to his + name, passengers and all! Captain Troutbeck, however, held that + in a matter of so great importance a simple roll-call was + insufficient, and with an assertion of authority that was + encouraging insisted that every person on board be separately + sworn. The result was the same; nobody was missing and the + captain, begging pardon for having doubted our veracity, + retired to his cabin to avoid further responsibility, but + expressed a hope that for the purpose of having everything + properly recorded in the log-book we would apprise him of any + further action that we might think it advisable to take. I + smiled as I remembered that in the interest of the unknown + gentleman whose peril we had overestimated I had flung the + log-book over the ship's side.</p> + + <p>Soon afterward I felt suddenly inspired with one of those + great ideas that come to most men only once or twice in a + lifetime, and to the ordinary story teller never. Hastily + reconvening the ship's company I mounted the capstan and thus + addressed them:</p> + + <p>"Shipmates, there has been a mistake. In the fervor of an + ill-considered compassion we have made pretty free with certain + movable property of an eminent firm of shipowners of Malvern + Heights. For this we shall undoubtedly be called to account if + we are ever so fortunate as to drop anchor in Tottenham Court + Road, where I have an aunt. It would add strength to our + defence if we could show to the satisfaction of a jury of our + peers that in heeding the sacred promptings of humanity we had + acted with some small degree of common sense. If, for example, + we could make it appear that there really was a man overboard, + who might have been comforted and sustained by the material + consolation that we so lavishly dispensed in the form of + buoyant articles belonging to others, the British heart would + find in that fact a mitigating circumstance pleading eloquently + in our favor. Gentlemen and ship's officers, I venture to + propose that we do now throw a man overboard."</p> + + <p>The effect was electrical: the motion was carried by + acclamation and there was a unanimous rush for the now wretched + mariner whose false alarm at the masthead was the cause of our + embarrassment, but on second thoughts it was decided to + substitute Captain Troutbeck, as less generally useful and more + undeviatingly in error. The sailor had made one mistake of + considerable magnitude, but the captain's entire existence was + a mistake altogether. He was fetched up from his cabin and + chucked over.</p> + + <p>At 900 Tottenham Road Court lived an aunt of mine—a + good old lady who had brought me up by hand and taught me many + wholesome lessons in morality, which in my later life have + proved of extreme value. Foremost among these I may mention her + solemn and oft-repeated injunction never to tell a lie without + a definite and specific reason for doing so. Many years' + experience in the violation of this principle enables me to + speak with authority as to its general soundness. I have, + therefore, much pleasure in making a slight correction in the + preceding chapter of this tolerably true history. It was there + affirmed that I threw the <i>Bonnyclabber's</i> log-book into + the sea. The statement is entirely false, and I can discover no + reason for having made it that will for a moment weigh against + those I now have for the preservation of that log-book.</p> + + <p>The progress of the story has developed new necessities, and + I now find it convenient to quote from that book passages which + it could not have contained if cast into the sea at the time + stated; for if thrown upon the resources of my imagination I + might find the temptation to exaggerate too strong to be + resisted.</p> + + <p>It is needless to worry the reader with those entries in the + book referring to events already related. Our record will begin + on the day of the captain's consignment to the deep, after + which era I made the entries myself.</p> + + <p>"June 22nd.—Not much doing in the way of gales, but + heavy swells left over from some previous blow. Latitude and + longitude not notably different from last observation. Ship + laboring a trifle, owing to lack of top-hamper, everything of + that kind having been cut away in consequence of Captain + Troutbeck having accidently fallen overboard while fishing from + the bowsprit. Also threw over cargo and everything that we + could spare. Miss our sails rather, but if they save our dear + captain, we shall be content. Weather flagrant.</p> + + <p>"23d.—Nothing from Captain Troutbeck. Dead + calm—also dead whale. The passengers having become + preposterous in various ways, Mr. Martin, the chief officer, + had three of the ringleaders tied up and rope's-ended. He + thought it advisable also to flog an equal number of the crew, + by way of being impartial. Weather ludicrous.</p> + + <p>"24th.—Captain still prefers to stop away, and does + not telegraph. The 'captain of the foretop'—there isn't + any foretop now—was put in irons to-day by Mr. Martin for + eating cold sausage while on look-out. Mr. Martin has flogged + the steward, who had neglected to holy-stone the binnacle and + paint the dead-lights. The steward is a good fellow all the + same. Weather iniquitous.</p> + + <p>"25th.—Can't think whatever has become of Captain + Troutbeck. He must be getting hungry by this time; for although + he has his fishing-tackle with him, he has no bait. Mr. Martin + inspected the entries in this book to-day. He is a most + excellent and humane officer. Weather inexcusable.</p> + + <p>"26th.—All hope of hearing from the Captain has been + abandoned. We have sacrificed everything to save him; but now, + if we could procure the loan of a mast and some sails, we + should proceed on our voyage. Mr. Martin has knocked the + coxswain overboard for sneezing. He is an experienced seaman, a + capable officer, and a Christian gentleman—damn his eyes! + Weather tormenting.</p> + + <p>"27th.—Another inspection of this book by Mr. Martin. + Farewell, vain world! Break it gently to my aunt in Tottenham + Court Road."</p> + + <p>In the concluding sentences of this record, as it now lies + before me, the handwriting is not very legible: they were + penned under circumstances singularly unfavorable. Mr. Martin + stood behind me with his eyes fixed on the page; and in order + to secure a better view, had twisted the machinery of the + engine he called his hand into the hair of my head, depressing + that globe to such an extent that my nose was flattened against + the surface of the table, and I had no small difficulty in + discerning the lines through my eyebrows. I was not accustomed + to writing in that position: it had not been taught in the only + school that I ever attended. I therefore felt justified in + bringing the record to a somewhat abrupt close, and immediately + went on deck with Mr. Martin, he preceding me up the + companion-stairs on foot, I following, not on horseback, but on + my own, the connection between us being maintained without + important alteration.</p> + + <p>Arriving on deck, I thought it advisable, in the interest of + peace and quietness, to pursue him in the same manner to the + side of the ship, where I parted from him forever with many + expressions of regret, which might have been heard at a + considerable distance.</p> + + <p>Of the subsequent fate of the <i>Bonnyclabber</i>, I can + only say that the log-book from which I have quoted was found + some years later in the stomach of a whale, along with some + shreds of clothing, a few buttons and several decayed + life-belts. It contained only one new entry, in a straggling + handwriting, as if it had been penned in the dark:</p> + + <p>"july2th foundered svivors rescude by wale wether stuffy no + nues from capting trowtbeck Sammle martin cheef Ofcer."</p> + + <p>Let us now take a retrospective glance at the situation. The + ship <i>Nupple-duck</i>, (Abersouth, master) had, it will be + remembered, gone down with all on board except me. I had + escaped on the ship <i>Bonnyclabber</i> (Troutbeck) which I had + quitted owing to a misunderstanding with the chief officer, and + was now unattached. That is how matters stood when, rising on + an unusually high wave, and casting my eye in the direction of + Tottenham Court Road—that is, backward along the course + pursued by the <i>Bonnyclabber</i> and toward the spot at which + the <i>Nupple-duck</i> had been swallowed up—I saw a + quantity of what appeared to be wreckage. It turned out to be + some of the stuff that we had thrown overboard under a + misapprehension. The several articles had been compiled and, so + to speak, carefully edited. They were, in fact, lashed + together, forming a raft. On a stool in the center of + it—not, apparently navigating it, but rather with the + subdued and dignified bearing of a passenger, sat Captain + Abersouth, of the <i>Nupple-duck</i>, reading a novel.</p> + + <p>Our meeting was not cordial. He remembered me as a man of + literary taste superior to his own and harbored resentment, and + although he made no opposition to my taking passage with him I + could see that his acquiescence was due rather to his muscular + inferiority than to the circumstance that I was damp and taking + cold. Merely acknowledging his presence with a nod as I climbed + abroad, I seated myself and inquired if he would care to hear + the concluding stanzas of "Naseby Fight."</p> + + <p>"No," he replied, looking up from his novel, "no, Claude + Reginald Gump, writer of sea stories, I've done with you. When + you sank the <i>Nupple-duck</i> some days ago you probably + thought that you had made an end of me. That was clever of you, + but I came to the surface and followed the other ship—the + one on which you escaped. It was I that the sailor saw from the + masthead. I saw him see me. It was for me that all that stuff + was hove overboard. Good—I made it into this raft. It + was, I think, the next day that I passed the floating body of a + man whom I recognized as, my old friend Billy + Troutbeck—he used to be a cook on a man-o'-war. It gives + me pleasure to be the means of saving your life, but I eschew + you. The moment that we reach port our paths part. You remember + that in the very first sentence of this story you began to + drive my ship, the <i>Nupple-duck</i>, on to a reef of + coral."</p> + + <p>I was compelled to confess that this was true, and he + continued his inhospitable reproaches:</p> + + <p>"Before you had written half a column you sent her to the + bottom, with me and the crew. But <i>you</i>—you + escaped."</p> + + <p>"That is true," I replied; "I cannot deny that the facts are + correctly stated."</p> + + <p>"And in a story before that, you took me and my mates of the + ship <i>Camel</i> into the heart of the South Polar Sea and + left us frozen dead in the ice, like flies in amber. But you + did not leave yourself there—you escaped."</p> + + <p>"Really, Captain," I said, "your memory is singularly + accurate, considering the many hardships that you have had to + undergo; many a man would have gone mad."</p> + + <p>"And a long time before that," Captain Abersouth resumed, + after a pause, more, apparently, to con his memory than to + enjoy my good opinion of it, "you lost me at sea—look + here; I didn't read anything but George Eliot at that time, but + I'm <i>told</i> that you lost me at sea in the <i>Mudlark</i>. + Have I been misinformed?"</p> + + <p>I could not say he had been misinformed.</p> + + <p>"You yourself escaped on that occasion, I think."</p> + + <p>It was true. Being usually the hero of my own stories, I + commonly do manage to live through one, in order to figure to + advantage in the next. It is from artistic necessity: no reader + would take much interest in a hero who was dead before the + beginning of the tale. I endeavored to explain this to Captain + Abersouth. He shook his head.</p> + + <p>"No," said he, "it's cowardly, that's the way I look at + it."</p> + + <p>Suddenly an effulgent idea began to dawn upon me, and I let + it have its way until my mind was perfectly luminous. Then I + rose from my seat, and frowning down into the upturned face of + my accuser, spoke in severe and rasping accents thus:</p> + + <p>"Captain Abersouth, in the various perils you and I have + encountered together in the classical literature of the period, + if I have always escaped and you have always perished; if I + lost you at sea in the <i>Mudlark</i>, froze you into the ice + at the South Pole in the <i>Camel</i> and drowned you in the + <i>Nupple-duck</i>, pray be good enough to tell me whom I have + the honor to address."</p> + + <p>It was a blow to the poor man: no one was ever so + disconcerted. Flinging aside his novel, he put up his hands and + began to scratch his head and think. It was beautiful to see + him think, but it seemed to distress him and pointing + significantly over the side of the raft I suggested as + delicately as possible that it was time to act. He rose to his + feet and fixing upon me a look of reproach which I shall + remember as long as I can, cast himself into the deep. As to + me—I escaped.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_CARGO_OF_CAT" id="A_CARGO_OF_CAT"></a>A CARGO OF CAT</h2> + + <p>On the 16th day of June, 1874, the ship <i>Mary Jane</i> + sailed from Malta, heavily laden with cat. This cargo gave us a + good deal of trouble. It was not in bales, but had been dumped + into the hold loose. Captain Doble, who had once commanded a + ship that carried coals, said he had found that plan the best. + When the hold was full of cat the hatch was battened down and + we felt good. Unfortunately the mate, thinking the cats would + be thirsty, introduced a hose into one of the hatches and + pumped in a considerable quantity of water, and the cats of the + lower levels were all drowned.</p> + + <p>You have seen a dead cat in a pond: you remember its + circumference at the waist. Water multiplies the magnitude of a + dead cat by ten. On the first day out, it was observed that the + ship was much strained. She was three feet wider than usual and + as much as ten feet shorter. The convexity of her deck was + visibly augmented fore and aft, but she turned up at both ends. + Her rudder was clean out of water and she would answer the helm + only when running directly against a strong breeze: the rudder, + when perverted to one side, would rub against the wind and slew + her around; and then she wouldn't steer any more. Owing to the + curvature of the keel, the masts came together at the top, and + a sailor who had gone up the foremast got bewildered, came down + the mizzenmast, looked out over the stern at the receding + shores of Malta and shouted: "Land, ho!" The ship's fastenings + were all giving way; the water on each side was lashed into + foam by the tempest of flying bolts that she shed at every + pulsation of the cargo. She was quietly wrecking herself + without assistance from wind or wave, by the sheer internal + energy of feline expansion.</p> + + <p>I went to the skipper about it. He was in his favorite + position, sitting on the deck, supporting his back against the + binnacle, making a V of his legs, and smoking.</p> + + <p>"Captain Doble," I said, respectfully touching my hat, which + was really not worthy of respect, "this floating palace is + afflicted with curvature of the spine and is likewise greatly + swollen."</p> + + <p>Without raising his eyes he courteously acknowledged my + presence by knocking the ashes from his pipe.</p> + + <p>"Permit me, Captain," I said, with simple dignity, "to + repeat that this ship is much swollen."</p> + + <p>"If that is true," said the gallant mariner, reaching for + his tobacco pouch, "I think it would be as well to swab her + down with liniment. There's a bottle of it in my cabin. Better + suggest it to the mate."</p> + + <p>"But, Captain, there is no time for empirical treatment; + some of the planks at the water line have started."</p> + + <p>The skipper rose and looked out over the stern, toward the + land; he fixed his eyes on the foaming wake; he gazed into the + water to starboard and to port. Then he said:</p> + + <p>"My friend, the whole darned thing has started."</p> + + <p>Sadly and silently I turned from that obdurate man and + walked forward. Suddenly "there was a burst of thunder sound!" + The hatch that had held down the cargo was flung whirling into + space and sailed in the air like a blown leaf. Pushing upward + through the hatchway was a smooth, square column of cat. + Grandly and impressively it grew—slowly, serenely, + majestically it rose toward the welkin, the relaxing keel + parting the mastheads to give it a fair chance. I have stood at + Naples and seen Vesuvius painting the town red—from + Catania have marked afar, upon the flanks of Ætna, the lava's + awful pursuit of the astonished rooster and the despairing pig. + The fiery flow from Kilauea's crater, thrusting itself into the + forests and licking the entire country clean, is as familiar to + me as my mother-tongue. I have seen glaciers, a thousand years + old and quite bald, heading for a valley full of tourists at + the rate of an inch a month. I have seen a saturated solution + of mining camp going down a mountain river, to make a sociable + call on the valley farmers. I have stood behind a tree on the + battle-field and seen a compact square mile of armed men moving + with irresistible momentum to the rear. Whenever anything grand + in magnitude or motion is billed to appear I commonly manage to + beat my way into the show, and in reporting it I am a man of + unscrupulous veracity; but I have seldom observed anything like + that solid gray column of Maltese cat!</p> + + <p>It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each + individual grimalkin in the outfit, with that readiness of + resource which distinguishes the species, had grappled with + tooth and nail as many others as it could hook on to. This + preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff that when + the ship rolled (and the <i>Mary Jane</i> was a devil to roll) + it swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if + it grew much taller he would have to order it cut away or it + would capsize us.</p> + + <p>Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these + discharged nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from + his toes and shouted: "Let go the anchor!" but being assured + that nobody was touching it, apologized and resumed his revery. + The chaplain said if there were no objections he would like to + offer up a prayer, and a gambler from Chicago, producing a pack + of cards, proposed to throw round for the first jack. The + parson's plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final "amen," + the cats struck up a hymn.</p> + + <p>All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother's + son of them sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. + Nearly all their notes in the upper register were more or less + cracked and disobedient. The remarkable thing about the voices + was their range. In that crowd were cats of seventeen octaves, + and the average could not have been less than twelve.</p> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Number of cats, as per invoice</td> + + <td align="right">127,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Estimated number dead swellers</td> + + <td align="right">6,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" + align="right">————</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Total songsters</td> + + <td align="right">121,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Average number octaves per cat</td> + + <td align="right">12</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" + align="right">————</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Total octaves</td> + + <td align="right">1,452,000</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, + counting each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, + and we could not go below for provisions. At the end of that + time the cook came for'd shaking up some beans in a hat, and + holding a large knife.</p> + + <p>"Shipmates," said he, "we have done all that mortals can do. + Let us now draw lots."</p> + + <p>We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook + was forcing the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the + concert closed with a suddenness that waked the man on the + lookout. A moment later every grimalkin relaxed his hold on his + neighbors, the column lost its cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, + sickening thuds that beat as one, the whole business fell to + the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that feline host + sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for the + African shore!</p> + + <p>The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, + resembles in shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within + sight of it. The cats in the fabric had spied it, and their + alert imaginations were instantly affected with a lively sense + of the size, weight and probable momentum of its flung + bootjack.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap05"></a>"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_PRUDE_IN_LETTERS_AND_LIFE"></a>I</h2> + + <h3>THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE</h3> + + <p>It is deserving of remark and censure that American + literature is become shockingly moral. There is not a doubt of + it; our writers, if accused, would make explicit confession + that morality is their only fault—morality in the strict + and specific sense. Far be it from me to disparage and belittle + this decent tendency to ignore the largest side of human + nature, and liveliest element of literary interest. It has an + eminence of its own; if it is not great art, it is at least + great folly—a superior sort of folly to which none of the + masters of letters has ever attained. Not Shakspeare, nor + Cervantes, nor Goethe, nor Molière, nor—no, not even + Rabelais—ever achieved that shining pinnacle of propriety + to which the latter-day American has aspired, by turning his + back upon nature's broad and fruitful levels and his eyes upon + the passionate altitudes where, throned upon congenial ice, + Miss Nancy sits to censure letters, putting the Muses into + petticoats and affixing a fig-leaf upon Truth. Ours are an age + and country of expurgated editions, emasculated art, and social + customs that look over the top of a fan.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Lo! prude-eyed Primdimity, mother of Gush,</span> + <br/> + <span>Sex-conscious, invoking the difficult + blush;</span> + <br/> + <span>At vices that plague us and sins that + beset</span> + <br/> + <span>Sternly directing her private lorgnette,</span> + <br/> + <span>Whose lenses, self-searching instinctive for + sin,</span> + <br/> + <span>Make image without of the fancies within.</span> + <br/> + <span>Itself, if examined, would show us, alas!</span> + <br/> + <span>A tiny transparency (French) on each + glass.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Now, prudery in letters, if it would but have the goodness + not to coexist with prudery in life, might be suffered with + easy fortitude, inasmuch as one needs not read what one does + not like; and between the license of the dear old bucks above + mentioned, and the severities of Miss Nancy Howells, and Miss + Nancy James, Jr., of t'other school, there is latitude for + gratification of individual taste. But it occurs that a + literature rather accurately reflects all the virtues and other + vices of its period and country, and its tendencies are but the + matchings of thought with action. Hence, we may reasonably + expect to find—and indubitably shall find—certain + well-marked correspondences between the literary faults which + it pleases our writers to commit and the social crimes which it + pleases the Adversary to see their readers commit. Within the + current lustrum the prudery which had already, for some + seasons, been achieving a vinegar-visaged and corkscrew-curled + certain age in letters, has invaded the ball-room, and is + infesting it in quantity. Supportable, because evitable, in + letters, it is here, for the contrary reason, insufferable; for + one must dance and enjoy one's self whether one like it or not. + Pleasure, I take it, is a duty not to be shirked at the command + of disinclination. Youth, following the bent of inherited + instinct, and loyally conforming himself to the centuries, must + shake a leg in the dance, and Age, from emulation and habit, + and for denial of rheumatic incapacity, must occasionally twist + his heel though he twist it off in the performance. Dance we + must, and dance we shall; that is settled; the question of + magnitude is, Shall we caper jocundly with the good grace of an + easy conscience, or submit to shuffle half-heartedly with a + sense of shame, wincing under the slow stroke of our own + rebuking eye? To this momentous question let us now + intelligently address our minds, sacredly pledged, as becomes + lovers of truth, to its determination in the manner most + agreeable to our desires; and if, in pursuance of this laudable + design, we have the unhappiness to bother the bunions + decorating the all-pervading feet of the good people whose + deprecations are voiced in <i>The Dance of Death</i> and the + clamatory literature of which that blessed volume was the + honored parent, upon their own corns be it; they should not + have obtruded these eminences</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i4">when youth and pleasure meet</span> + <br/> + <span>To chase the glowing hours with flying + feet.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>What, therefore, whence, and likewise why, is dancing? From + what flower of nature, fertilized by what pollen of + circumstance or necessity, is it the fruit? Let us go to the + root of the matter.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BEATING_OF_THE_BLOOD"></a>II</h2> + + <h3>THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD</h3> + + <p>Nature takes a childish delight in tireless repetition. The + days repeat themselves, the tides ebb and flow, the tree sways + forth and back. This world is intent upon recurrences. Not the + pendulum of a clock is more persistent of iteration than are + all existing things; periodicity is the ultimate law and + largest explanation of the universe—to do it over again + the one insatiable ambition of all that is. Everything + vibrates; through vibration alone do the senses discern it. We + are not provided with means of cognizance of what is absolutely + at rest; impressions come in waves. Recurrence, recurrence, and + again recurrence—that is the sole phenomenon. With what + fealty we submit us to the law which compels the rhythm and + regularity to our movement—that makes us divide up + passing time into brief equal intervals, marking them off by + some method of physical notation, so that our senses may + apprehend them! In all we do we unconsciously mark time like a + clock, the leader of an orchestra with his <i>bâton</i> only + more perfectly than the smith with his hammer, or the woman + with her needle, because his hand is better assisted by his + ear, less embarrassed with <i>impedimenta</i>. The pedestrian + impelling his legs and the idler twiddling his thumbs are + endeavoring, each in his unconscious way, to beat time to some + inaudible music; and the graceless lout, sitting cross-legged + in a horse-car, manages the affair with his toe.</p> + + <p>The more intently we labor, the more intensely do we become + absorbed in labor's dumb song, until with body and mind engaged + in the ecstacy of repetition, we resent an interruption of our + work as we do a false note in music, and are mightily enamored + of ourselves afterward for the power of application which was + simply inability to desist. In this rhythm of toil is to be + found the charm of industry. Toil has in itself no spell to + conjure with, but its recurrences of molecular action, cerebral + and muscular, are as delightful as rhyme.</p> + + <p>Such of our pleasures as require movements equally rhythmic + with those entailed by labor are almost equally agreeable, with + the added advantage of being useless. Dancing, which is not + only rhythmic movement, pure and simple, undebased with any + element of utility, but is capable of performance under + conditions positively baneful, is for these reasons the most + engaging of them all; and if it were but one-half as wicked as + the prudes have endeavored by method of naughty suggestion to + make it would lack of absolute bliss nothing but the other + half.</p> + + <p>This ever active and unabatable something within us which + compels us always to be marking time we may call, for want of a + better name, the instinct of rhythm. It is the æsthetic + principle of our nature. Translated into words it has given us + poetry; into sound, music; into motion, dancing. Perhaps even + painting may be referred to it, space being the correlative of + time, and color the correlative of tone. We are fond of + arranging our minute intervals of time into groups. We find + certain of these groups highly agreeable, while others are no + end unpleasant. In the former there is a singular regularity to + be observed, which led hard-headed old Leibnitz to the theory + that our delight in music arises from an inherent affection for + mathematics. Yet musicians have hitherto obtained but + indifferent recognition for feats of calculation, nor have the + singing and playing of renowned mathematicians been unanimously + commended by good judges.</p> + + <p>Music so intensifies and excites the instinct of rhythm that + a strong volition is required to repress its physical + expression. The universality of this is well illustrated by the + legend, found in some shape in many countries and languages, of + the boy with the fiddle who compels king, cook, peasant, clown, + and all that kind of people, to follow him through the land; + and in the myth of the Pied Piper of Hamelin we discern + abundant reason to think the instinct of rhythm an attribute of + rats. Soldiers march so much livelier with music than without + that it has been found a tolerably good substitute for the hope + of plunder. When the foot-falls are audible, as on the deck of + a steamer, walking has an added pleasure, and even the pirate, + with gentle consideration for the universal instinct, suffers + his vanquished foeman to walk the plank.</p> + + <p>Dancing is simply marking time with the body, as an + accompaniment to music, though the same—without the + music—is done with only the head and forefinger in a New + England meeting-house at psalm time. (The peculiar dance named + in honor of St. Vitus is executed with or without music, at the + option of the musician.) But the body is a clumsy piece of + machinery, requiring some attention and observation to keep it + accurately in time to the fiddling. The smallest diversion of + the thought, the briefest relaxing of the mind, is fatal to the + performance. 'Tis as easy to fix attention on a sonnet of + Shakspeare while working at whist as gloat upon your partner + while waltzing. It can not be intelligently, appreciatively, + and adequately accomplished—<i>crede expertum</i>.</p> + + <p>On the subject of poetry, Emerson says: "Metre begins with + pulse-beat, and the length of lines in songs and poems is + determined by the inhalation and exhalation of the lungs," and + this really goes near to the root of the matter; albeit we + might derive therefrom the unsupported inference that a poet + "fat and scant of breath" would write in lines of a foot each, + while the more able-bodied bard, with the capacious lungs of a + pearl-diver, would deliver himself all across his page, with + "the spacious volubility of a drumming decasyllabon."</p> + + <p>While the heart, working with alternate contraction and + dilatation, sends the blood intermittently through the brain, + and the outer world apprises us of its existence only by + successive impulses, it must result that our sense of things + will be rhythmic. The brain being alternately stimulated and + relaxed we must think—as we feel—in waves, + apprehending nothing continuously, and incapable of a + consciousness that is not divisible into units of perception of + which we make mental record and physical sign. That is why we + dance. That is why we can, may, must, will, and shall dance, + and the gates of Philistia shall not prevail against us.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>La valse légère, la valse légère,</span> + <br/> + <span>The free, the bright, the debonair,</span> + <br/> + <span>That stirs the strong, and fires the fair</span> + <br/> + <span>With joy like wine of vintage rare—</span> + <br/> + <span>That lends the swiftly circling pair</span> + <br/> + <span>A short surcease of killing care,</span> + <br/> + <span>With music in the dreaming air,</span> + <br/> + <span>With elegance and grace to spare.</span> + <br/> + <span>Vive! vive la valse, la valse légère!</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>George Jessop</i>.</span> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THERE_ARE_CORNS_IN_EGYPT"></a>III</h2> + + <h3>THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT</h3> + + <p>Our civilization—wise child!—knows its father in + the superior civilization whose colossal vestiges are found + along the Nile. To those, then, who see in the dance a + civilizing art, it can not be wholly unprofitable to glance at + this polite accomplishment as it existed among the ancient + Egyptians, and was by them transmitted—with various + modifications, but preserving its essentials of + identity—to other nations and other times. And here we + have first to note that, as in all the nations of antiquity, + the dance in Egypt was principally a religious ceremony; the + pious old boys that builded the pyramids executed their jigs as + an act of worship. Diodorus Siculus informs us that Osiris, in + his proselyting travels among the peoples surrounding + Egypt—for Osiris was what we would call a circuit + preacher—was accompanied by dancers male and dancers + female. From the sculptures on some of the oldest tombs of + Thebes it is seen that the dances there depicted did not + greatly differ from those in present favor in the same region; + although it seems a fair inference from the higher culture and + refinement of the elder period that they were distinguished by + graces correspondingly superior. That dances having the + character of religious rites were not always free from an + element that we would term indelicacy, but which their + performers and witnesses probably considered the commendable + exuberance of zeal and devotion, is manifest from the following + passage of Herodotus, in which reference is made to the + festival of Bubastis:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +Men and women come sailing all together, vast numbers in each boat, many of the +women with castanets, which they strike, while some of the men pipe during the +whole period of the voyage; the remainder of the voyagers, male and female, +sing the while, and make a clapping with their hands. When they arrive opposite +to any town on the banks of the stream they approach the shore, and while some +of the women continue to play and sing, others call aloud to the females of the +place and load them with abuse, a certain number dancing and others standing +up, uncovering themselves. Proceeding in this way all along the river course +they reach Bubastis, where they celebrate the feast with abundant sacrifice. +</p> + + <p>Of the mysteries of Isis and Osiris, in which dancing played + an important part, the character of the ceremonies is matter of + dim conjecture; but from the hints that have come down to us + like significant shrugs and whispers from a discreet past, + which could say a good deal more if it had a mind to, I hasten + to infer that they were no better than they should have + been.</p> + + <p>Naturally the dances for amusement of others were regulated + in movement and gesture to suit the taste of patrons: for the + refined, decency and moderation; for the wicked, <i>a + soupçon</i> of the other kind of excellence. In the latter case + the buffoon, an invariable adjunct, committed a thousand + extravagances, and was a dear, delightful, naughty ancient + Egyptian buffoon. These dances were performed by both men and + women; sometimes together, more frequently in separate parties. + The men seem to have confined themselves mostly to exercises + requiring strength of leg and arm. The figures on the tombs + represent men in lively and vigorous postures, some in attitude + preliminary to leaping, others in the air. This feature of + agility would be a novelty in the oriental dances of to-day; + the indolent male spectator being satisfied with a slow, + voluptuous movement congenial to his disposition. When, on the + contrary, the performance of our prehistoric friends was + governed and determined by ideas of grace, there were not + infrequently from six to eight musical instruments, the harp, + guitar, double-pipe, lyre, and tambourine of the period being + most popular, and these commonly accompanied by a clapping of + hands to mark the time.</p> + + <p>As with the Greeks, dancers were had in at dinner to make + merry; for although the upper-class Egyptian was forbidden to + practice the art, either as an accomplishment or for the + satisfaction of his emotional nature, it was not considered + indecorous to hire professionals to perform before him and his + female and young. The she dancer usually habited herself in a + loose, flowing robe, falling to the ankles and bound at the + waist, while about the hips was fastened a narrow, ornate + girdle. This costume—in point of opacity imperfectly + superior to a gentle breeze—is not always discernible in + the sculptures; but it is charitably believed that the pellucid + garment, being merely painted over the figures, has been + ravished away by the hand of Time—the wretch!</p> + + <p>One of the dances was a succession of pleasing attitudes, + the hands and arms rendering important assistance—the + body bending backward and forward and swaying laterally, the + <i>figurante</i> sometimes half-kneeling, and in that position + gracefully posturing, and again balanced on one foot, the arms + and hands waving slowly in time to the music. In another dance, + the <i>pirouette</i> and other figures dear to the bald-headed + beaux of the modern play-house, were practiced in the familiar + way. Four thousand years ago, the senses of the young ancient + Egyptian—wild, heady lad!—were kicked into + confusion by the dark-skinned belle of the ballet, while + senility, with dimmed eyes, rubbed its dry hands in feverish + approval at the self-same feat. Dear, dear, but it was a bad + world four thousand years ago!</p> + + <p>Sometimes they danced in pairs, men with men and women with + women, indifferently, the latter arrangement seeming to us + preferable by reason of the women's conspicuously superior + grace and almost equal agility; for it is in evidence on the + tombs that tumblers and acrobats were commonly of the softer + sex. Some of the attitudes were similar to those which drew + from Socrates the ungallant remark that women were capable of + learning anything which you will that they should know. The + figures in this <i>pas de deux</i> appear frequently to have + terminated in what children, with their customary coarseness of + speech, are pleased to call "wringing the + dish-clout"—clasping the hands, throwing the arms above + the head and turning rapidly, each as on a pivot, without + loosing the hands of the other, and resting again in + position.</p> + + <p>Sometimes, with no other music than the percussion of hands, + a man would execute a <i>pas seul</i>, which it is to be + presumed he enjoyed. Again, with a riper and better sense of + musical methods, the performer accompanied himself, or, as in + this case it usually was, herself, on the double-pipes, the + guitar or the tambourine, while the familiar hand-clapping was + done by attendants. A step not unlike that of the abominable + clog dance of the "variety" stage and "music hall" of the + present day consisted in striking the heel of first one foot + and then the other, the hands and arms being employed to + diminish the monotony of the movement. For amusement and + instruction of the vulgar, buffoons in herds of ten or more in + fested the streets, hopping and posing to the sound of a + drum.</p> + + <p>As illustrating the versatility of the dance, its wide + capacities of adaptation to human emotional needs, I may + mention here the procession of women to the tomb of a friend or + relative. Punishing the tambourine or <i>dara booka</i> drum, + and bearing branches of palm or other symbolic vegetables, + these sprightly mourners passed through the streets with songs + and dances which, under the circumstances, can hardly have + failed eminently to gratify the person so fortunate as to have + his memory honored by so delicate and appropriate + observance.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_REEF_IN_THE_GABARDINE"></a>IV</h2> + + <h3>A REEF IN THE GABARDINE</h3> + + <p>The early Jew danced ritually and socially. Some of his + dances and the customs connected therewith were of his own + devising; others he picked up in Egypt, the latter, no doubt, + being more firmly fixed in his memory by the necessity of + practicing them—albeit behind the back of + Moses—while he had them still fresh in his mind; for he + would naturally resort to every human and inhuman device to + wile away the dragging decades consumed in tracing the + labyrinthine sinuosities of his course in the wilderness. When + a man has assurance that he will not be permitted to arrive at + the point for which he set out, perceiving that every step + forward is a step wasted, he will pretty certainly use his feet + to a better purpose than walking. Clearly, at a time when all + the chosen people were Wandering Jews they would dance all they + knew how. We know that they danced in worship of the Golden + Calf, and that previously "Miriam the prophetess, sister of + Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out + after her with timbrels and with dances." And ever so many + generations before, Laban complained to Jacob that Jacob had + stolen away instead of letting him send him off with songs and + mirth and music on the tabret and harp, a method of speeding + the parting guest which would naturally include dancing, + although the same is not of explicit record.</p> + + <p>The religious ceremonies of the Jews had not at all times + the restraint and delicacy which it is to be wished the Lord + had exacted, for we read of King David himself dancing before + the Ark in a condition so nearly nude as greatly to scandalize + the daughter of Saul. By the way, this incident has been always + a stock argument for the extinction and decent interment of the + unhappy anti dancer. Conceding the necessity of his extinction, + I am yet indisposed to attach much weight to the Davidian + precedent, for it does not appear that he was acting under + divine command, directly or indirectly imparted, and whenever + he followed the hest of his own sweet will David had a notable + knack at going wrong. Perhaps the best value of the incident + consists in the evidence it supplies that dancing was not + forbidden—save possibly by divine injunction—to the + higher classes of Jews, for unless we are to suppose the + dancing of David to have been the mere clumsy capering of a + loutish mood (a theory which our respect for royalty, even when + divested of its imposing externals, forbids us to entertain) we + are bound to assume previous instruction and practice in the + art. We have, moreover, the Roman example of the daughter of + Herodias, whose dancing before Herod was so admirably performed + that she was suitably rewarded with a testimonial of her step + father's esteem. To these examples many more might be added, + showing by cumulative evidence that among the ancient people + whose religion was good enough for us to adopt and improve, + dancing was a polite and proper accomplishment, although not + always decorously executed on seasonable occasion.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="ENTER_A_TROUPE_OF_ANCIENTS_DANCING"></a>V</h2> + + <h3>ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING</h3> + + <p>The nearly oldest authentic human records now decipherable + are the cuneiform inscriptions from the archives of + Assurbanipal, translated by the late George Smith, of the + British Museum, and in them we find abundant reference to the + dance, but must content ourselves with a single one.</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The kings of Arabia who against my agreement, sinned, whom in the midst of +battle alive I had captured in hand, to make that Bitrichiti. Heavy burdens I +caused them to carry and I caused them to take . . . building its brick work . +. . with dancing and music; . . . with joy and shouting from the foundation to +its roof, I built . . . +</p> + + <p>A Mesopotamian king, who had the genius to conceive the + dazzling idea of communicating with the readers of this distant + generation by taking impressions of carpet tacks on cubes of + unbaked clay is surely entitled to a certain veneration, and + when he associates dancing with such commendable actions as + making porters of his royal captives it is not becoming in us + meaner mortals to set up a contrary opinion. Indeed nothing can + be more certain than that the art of dancing was not regarded + by the ancients generally in the light of a frivolous + accomplishment, nor its practice a thing wherewith to shoo away + a tedious hour. In their minds it evidently had a certain + dignity and elevation, so much so that they associated it with + their ideas (tolerably correct ones, on the whole) of art, + harmony, beauty, truth and religion. With them, dancing bore a + relation to walking and the ordinary movements of the limbs + similar to that which poetry bears to prose, and as our own + Emerson—himself something of an ancient—defines + poetry as the piety of the intellect, so Homer would doubtless + have defined dancing as the devotion of the body if he had had + the unspeakable advantage of a training in the Emerson school + of epigram. Such a view of it is natural to the unsophisticated + pagan mind, and to all minds of clean, wholesome, and simple + understanding. It is only the intellect that has been subjected + to the strain of overwrought religious enthusiasm of the more + sombre sort that can discern a lurking devil in the dance, or + anything but an exhilarating and altogether delightful outward + manifestation of an inner sense of harmony, joy and well being. + Under the stress of morbid feeling, or the overstrain of + religious excitement, coarsely organized natures see or create + something gross and prurient in things intrinsically sweet and + pure, and it happens that when the dance has fallen to their + shaping and direction, as in religious rites, then it has + received its most objectionable development and perversion. But + the grossness of dances devised by the secular mind for + purposes of æsthetic pleasure is all in the censorious critic, + who deserves the same kind of rebuke administered by Dr. + Johnson to Boswell, who asked the Doctor if he considered a + certain nude statue immodest. "No, sir, but your question + is."</p> + + <p>It would be an unfortunate thing, indeed, if the "prurient + prudes" of the meeting houses were permitted to make the laws + by which society should be governed. The same unhappy + psychological condition which makes the dance an unclean thing + in their jaundiced eyes renders it impossible for them to enjoy + art or literature when the subject is natural, the treatment + free and joyous. The ingenuity that can discover an indelicate + provocative in the waltz will have no difficulty in snouting + out all manner of uncleanliness in Shakspeare, Chaucer, + Boccacio—nay, even in the New Testament. It would detect + an unpleasant suggestiveness in the Medicean Venus, and two in + the Dancing Faun. To all such the ordinary functions of life + are impure, the natural man and woman things to blush at, all + the economies of nature full of shocking improprieties.</p> + + <p>In the Primitive Church dancing was a religious rite, no + less than it was under the older dispensation among the Jews. + On the eve of sacred festivals, the young people were + accustomed to assemble, sometimes before the church door, + sometimes in the choir or nave of the church, and dance and + sing hymns in honor of the saint whose festival it was. Easter + Sunday, especially, was so celebrated; and rituals of a + comparatively modern date contain the order in which it is + appointed that the dances are to be performed, and the words of + the hymns to the music of which the youthful devotees flung up + their pious heels But I digress.</p> + + <p>In Plato's time the Greeks held that dancing awakened and + preserved in the soul—as I do not doubt that it + does—the sentiment of harmony and proportion; and in + accordance with this idea Simonides, with a happy knack at + epigram, defined dances as "poems in dumb show."</p> + + <p>In his <i>Republic</i> Plato classifies the Grecian dances + as domestic, designed for relaxation and amusement, military, + to promote strength and activity in battle; and religious, to + accompany the sacred songs at pious festivals. To the last + class belongs the dance which Theseus is said to have + instituted on his return from Crete, after having abated the + Minotaur nuisance. At the head of a noble band of youth, this + public spirited reformer of abuses himself executed his dance. + Theseus as a dancing-master does not much fire the imagination, + it is true, but the incident has its value and purpose in this + dissertation. Theseus called his dance <i>Geranos</i>, or the + "Crane," because its figures resembled those described by that + fowl aflight; and Plutarch fancied he discovered in it a + meaning which one does not so readily discover in Plutarch's + explanation.</p> + + <p>It is certain that, in the time of Anacreon,<a name="FNanchor_A"></a><a href="#Footnote_A" + class="fnanchor">[A]</a> the Greeks loved the dance. That + poet, with frequent repetition, felicitates himself that age + has not deprived him of his skill in it. In Ode LIII, he + declares that in the dance he renews his youth</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When I behold the festive train</span> + <br/> + <span>Of dancing youth, I'm young again</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>And let me, while the wild and young</span> + <br/> + <span>Trip the mazy dance along</span> + <br/> + <span>Fling my heap of years away</span> + <br/> + <span>And be as wild, as young as they</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Moore</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And so in Ode LIX, which seems to be a vintage hymn.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When he whose verging years decline</span> + <br/> + <span>As deep into the vale as mine</span> + <br/> + <span>When he inhales the vintage cup</span> + <br/> + <span>His feet new winged from earth spring up</span> + <br/> + <span>And as he dances the fresh air</span> + <br/> + <span>Plays whispering through his silvery hair</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Id</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode XLVII, he boasts that age has not impaired his relish + for, nor his power of indulgence in, the feast and dance.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Tis true my fading years decline</span> + <br/> + <span>Yet I can quaff the brimming wine</span> + <br/> + <span>As deep as any stripling fair</span> + <br/> + <span>Whose cheeks the flush of morning wear,</span> + <br/> + <span>And if amidst the wanton crew</span> + <br/> + <span>I'm called to wind the dance's clew</span> + <br/> + <span>Then shalt thou see this vigorous hand</span> + <br/> + <span>Not faltering on the Bacchant's wand</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>For though my fading years decay—</span> + <br/> + <span>Though manhood's prime hath passed away,</span> + <br/> + <span>Like old Silenus sire divine</span> + <br/> + <span>With blushes borrowed from the wine</span> + <br/> + <span>I'll wanton mid the dancing tram</span> + <br/> + <span>And live my follies o'er again</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Id</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Cornelius Nepos, I think, mentions among the admirable + qualities of the great Epaminondas that he had an extraordinary + talent for music and dancing. Epaminondas accomplishing his jig + must be accepted as a pleasing and instructive figure in the + history of the dance.</p> + + <p>Lucian says that a dancer must have some skill as an actor, + and some acquaintance with mythology—the reason being + that the dances at the festivals of the gods partook of the + character of pantomime, and represented the most picturesque + events and passages in the popular religion. Religious + knowledge is happily no longer regarded as a necessary + qualification for the dance, and, in point of fact no thing is + commonly more foreign to the minds of those who excel in + it.</p> + + <p>It is related of Aristides the Just that he danced at an + entertainment given by Dionysius the Tyrant, and Plato, who was + also a guest, probably confronted him in the set.</p> + + <p>The "dance of the wine press," described by Longinus, was + originally modest and proper, but seems to have become in the + process of time—and probably by the stealthy + participation of disguised prudes—a kind of <i>can + can</i>.</p> + + <p>In the high noon of human civilization— in the time of + Pericles at Athens—dancing seems to have been regarded as + a civilizing and refining amusement in which the gravest + dignitaries and most renowned worthies joined with indubitable + alacrity, if problematic advantage. Socrates himself—at + an advanced age, too—was persuaded by the virtuous + Aspasia to cut his caper with the rest of them.</p> + + <p>Horace (Ode IX, Book I,) exhorts the youth not to despise + the dance:</p> + + <div class="poem" + style="text-align: center"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Nec dulcis amores</span> + <br/> + <span>Sperne puer, neque tu choreas.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Which may be freely translated thus:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Boy, in Love's game don't miss a trick,</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor be in the dance a walking stick.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode IV, Book I, he says:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Jam Cytherea choros ducit, inminente Luna</span> + <br/> + <span>Junctæque Nymphis Gratiæ decentes</span> + <br/> + <span>Alterno terram quatiunt pede, etc</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>At moonrise, Venus and her joyous band</span> + <br/> + <span>Of Nymphs and Graces leg it o'er the land</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode XXXVI, Book I (supposed to have been written when + Numida returned from the war in Spain, with Augustus, and + referring to which an old commentator says "We may judge with + how much tenderness Horace loved his friends, when he + celebrates their return with sacrifices, songs, and dances") + Horace writes</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota</span> + <br/> + <span>Neu promtæ modus amphoræ</span> + <br/> + <span>Neu morem in Salium sit requies pedum etc.</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Let not the day forego its mark</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor lack the wine jug's honest bark</span> + <br/> + <span>Like Salian priests we'll toss our + toes—</span> + <br/> + <span>Choose partners for the dance—here + goes!</span> + </div> + </div> + +<p> +It has been hastily inferred that, in the time of Cicero, dancing was not held +in good repute among the Romans, but I prefer to consider his ungracious dictum +(in <i>De Amicitia</i>, I think,) "<i>Nemo sobrius saltat</i>"—no sober +man dances—as merely the spiteful and envious fling of a man who could +not himself dance, and am disposed to congratulate the golden youth of the +Eternal City on the absence of the solemn consequential and egotistic orator +from their festivals and merry makings whence his shining talents would have +been so many several justifications for his forcible extrusion. No doubt his +eminence procured him many invitations to balls of the period, and some of +these he probably felt constrained to accept, but it is highly unlikely that he +was often solicited to dance, he probably wiled away the tedious hours of +inaction by instructing the fibrous virgins and gouty bucks in the principles +of jurisprudence. Cicero as a wall flower is an interesting object, and, +turning to another branch of our subject, in this picturesque attitude we leave +him. Left talking. +</p> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CAIRO_REVISITED" id="CAIRO_REVISITED"></a>VI</h2> + + <h3>CAIRO REVISITED</h3> + + <p>Having glanced, briefly, and as through a glass darkly, at + the dance as it existed in the earliest times of which we have + knowledge in the country whence, through devious and partly + obliterated channels, we derived much of our civilization, let + us hastily survey some of its modern methods in the same + region—supplying thereby some small means of comparison + to the reader who may care to note the changes undergone and + the features preserved.</p> + + <p>We find the most notable, if not the only, purely Egyptian + dancer of our time in the <i>Alme</i> or <i>Ghowazee</i>. The + former name is derived from the original calling of this + class—that of reciting poetry to the inmates of the + harem, the latter they acquired by dancing at the festivals of + the Ghors, or Memlooks. Reasonably modest at first, the dancing + of the Alme became, in the course of time, so conspicuously + indelicate that great numbers of the softer sex persuaded + themselves to its acquirement and practice, and a certain + viceregal Prude once contracted the powers of the whole Cairo + contingent of Awalim into the pent up Utica of the town of + Esuch, some five hundred miles removed from the viceregal + dissenting eye. For a brief season the order was enforced, then + the sprightly sinners danced out of bounds, and their + successors can now be found by the foreign student of Egyptian + morals without the fatigue and expense of a long journey up the + Nile.</p> + + <p>The professional dress of the Alme consists of a short + embroidered jacket, fitting closely to the arms and back, but + frankly unreserved in front, long loose trousers of silk + sufficiently opaque somewhat to soften the severity of the + lower limbs, a Cashmere shawl bound about the waist and a light + turban of muslin embroidered with gold. The long black hair, + starred with small coins, falls abundantly over the shoulders. + The eyelids are sabled with kohl, and such other paints, oils, + varnishes and dyestuffs are used as the fair one—who is a + trifle dark, by the way—may have proved for herself, or + accepted on the superior judgment of her European sisters. + Altogether, the girl's outer and visible aspect is not + unattractive to the eye of the traveler, however faulty to the + eye of the traveler's wife. When about to dance, the Alme puts + on a lighter and more diaphanous dress, eschews her slippers, + and with a slow and measured step advances to the centre of the + room—her lithe figure undulating with a grace peculiarly + serpentile. The music is that of a reed pipe or a + tambourine—a number of attendants assisting with + castanets. Perhaps the "argument" of her dance will be a + love-passage with an imaginary young Arab. The coyness of a + first meeting by chance, her gradual warming into passion, their + separation, followed by her tears and dejection the hope of + meeting soon again and, finally, the intoxication of being held + once more in his arms—all are delineated with a fidelity + and detail surprising to whatever of judgment the masculine + spectator may have the good fortune to retain.</p> + + <p>One of the prime favorites is the "wasp dance," allied to + the Tarantella. Although less pleasing in motive than that + described, the wasp dance gives opportunity for movements of + even superior significance—or, as one may say, + suggestures. The girl stands in a pensive posture, her hands + demurely clasped in front, her head poised a little on one + side. Suddenly a wasp is heard to approach, and by her gestures + is seen to have stung her on the breast. She then darts hither + and thither in pursuit of that audacious insect, assuming all + manner of provoking attitudes, until, finally, the wasp having + been caught and miserably exterminated, the girl resumes her + innocent smile and modest pose.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="JAPAN_WEAR_AND_BOMBAY_DUCKS"></a>VII</h2> + + <h3>JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS</h3> + + <p>Throughout Asia, dancing is marked by certain + characteristics which do not greatly differ, save in degree, + among the various peoples who practice it. With few exceptions, + it is confined to the superior sex, and these ladies, I am + sorry to confess, have not derived as great moral advantage + from the monopoly as an advocate of dancing would prefer to + record.</p> + + <p>Dancing—the rhythmical movement of the limbs and body + to music—is, as I have endeavored to point out, + instinctive, hardly a people, savage or refined, but has + certain forms of it. When, from any cause, the men abstain from + its execution it has commonly not the character of grace and + agility as its dominant feature, but is distinguished by soft, + voluptuous movements, suggestive posturing, and all the wiles + by which the performer knows she can best please the other sex, + the most forthright and effective means to that commendable end + being evocation of man's baser nature. The Japanese men are + anti-dancers from necessity of costume, if nothing else, and + the effect is much the same as elsewhere under the same + conditions the women dance, the men gloat and the gods + grieve.</p> + + <p>There are two kinds of dances in Japan, the one not only + lewd, but—to speak with accurate adjustment of word to + fact—beastly, in the other grace is the dominating + element, and decency as cold as a snow storm. Of the former + class, the "Chon Nookee" is the most popular. It is, however, + less a dance than an exhibition, and its patrons are the + wicked, the dissolute and the European. It is commonly given at + some entertainment to which respectable women have not the + condescension to be invited—such as a dinner party of + some wealthy gentleman's gentlemen friends. The dinner-served + on the floor—having been impatiently tucked away, and the + candies, cakes, hot saki and other necessary addenda of a + Japanese dinner brought in, the "Chon Nookee" is demanded, and + with a modest demeanor, worn as becomingly as if it were their + every day habit, the performers glide in, seating themselves + coyly on the floor, in two rows. Each dancing girl is appareled + in such captivating bravery as her purse can buy or her charms + exact. The folds of her varicolored gowns crossing her bosom + makes combinations of rich, warm hues, which it were folly not + to admire and peril to admire too much. The faces of these + girls are in many instances exceedingly pretty, but with that + natural—and, be it humbly submitted, not very + creditable—tendency of the sex to revision and correction + of nature's handiwork, they plaster them with pigments dear to + the sign painter and temper the red glory of their lips with a + bronze preparation which the flattered brass founder would no + doubt deem kissable utterly. The music is made by beating a + drum and twanging a kind of guitar, the musician chanting the + while to an exceedingly simple air words which, in deference to + the possible prejudices of those readers who may be on terms of + familarity with the Japanese language, I have deemed it proper + to omit—with an apology to the Prudes for the absence of + an appendix in which they might be given without offense. (I + had it in mind to insert the music here, but am told by + credible authority that in Japan music is moral or immoral + without reference to the words that may be sung with it. So I + omit—with reluctance—the score, as well as the + words.)</p> + + <p>The chanting having proceeded for a few minutes the girls + take up the song and enter spiritedly into the dance. One + challenges another and at a certain stage of the lively song + with the sharp cry <i>"Hoi!"</i> makes a motion with her hand. + Failure on the part of the other instantaneously and exactly to + copy this gesture entails the forfeiture of a garment, which is + at once frankly removed. Cold and mechanical at the outset, the + music grows spirited as the girls grow nude, and the dancers + themselves become strangely excited as they warm to the work, + taking, the while, generous potations of saki to assist their + enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>Let it not be supposed that in all this there is anything of + passion, it is with these women nothing more that the mere + mental exaltation produced by music, exercise and drink. With + the spectators (I have heard) it fares somewhat otherwise.</p> + + <p>When modesty's last rag has been discarded, the girls as if + suddenly abashed at their own audacity, fly like startled fawns + from the room, leaving their patrons to make a settlement with + conscience and arrange the terms upon which that monitor will + consent to the performance of the rest of the dance. For the + dance proper—or improper—is now about to begin. If + the first part seemed somewhat tropical, comparison with what + follows will acquit it of that demerit. The combinations of the + dance are infinitely varied, and so long as willing witnesses + remain—which, in simple justice to manly fortitude it + should be added, is a good while—so long will the "Chon + Nookee" present a new and unexpected phase, but it is thought + expedient that no more of them be presented here, and if the + reader has done me the honor to have enough of it, we will pass + to the consideration of another class of dances.</p> + + <p>Of this class those most in favor are the Fan and Umbrella + dances, performed, usually, by young girls trained almost from + infancy. The Japanese are passionately fond of these beautiful + exhibitions of grace, and no manner of festivity is + satisfactorily celebrated without them. The musicians, all + girls, commonly six or eight in number, play on the guitar, a + small ivory wand being used, instead of the fingers, to strike + the strings. The dancer, a girl of some thirteen years, is + elaborately habited as a page. Confined by the closely folded + robe as by fetters, the feet and legs are not much used, the + feet, indeed, never leaving the floor. Time is marked by + undulations of the body, waving the arms, and deft manipulation + of the fan. The supple figure bends and sways like a reed in + the wind, advances and recedes, one movement succeeding another + by transitions singularly graceful, the arms describing + innumerable curves, and the fan so skilfully handled as to seem + instinct with a life and liberty of its own. Nothing more pure, + more devoid of evil suggestion, can be imagined. It is a sad + fact that the poor children trained to the execution of this + harmless and pleasing dance are destined, in their riper years, + to give their charms and graces to the service of the devil in + the 'Chon Nookee'. The umbrella dance is similar to the one + just described, the main difference being the use of a small, + gaily colored umbrella in place of the fan.</p> + + <p>Crossing from Japan to China, the Prude will find a + condition of things which, for iron severity of morals, is + perhaps unparalleled—no dancing whatever, by either + profligate or virtuous women. To whatever original cause we may + attribute this peculiarity, it seems eternal, for the women of + the upper classes have an ineradicable habit of so mutilating + their feet that even the polite and comparatively harmless + accomplishment of walking is beyond their power, those of the + lower orders have not sense enough to dance, and that men + should dance alone is a proposition of such free and forthright + idiocy as to be but obscurely conceivable to any understanding + not having the gift of maniacal inspiration, or the normal + advantage of original incapacity. Altogether, we may rightly + consider China the heaven appointed <i>habitat</i> of people + who dislike the dance.</p> + + <p>In Siam, what little is known of dancing is confined to the + people of Laos. The women are meek eyed, spiritless creatures, + crushed under the heavy domination of the stronger sex. + Naturally, their music and dancing are of a plaintive, almost + doleful character, not without a certain cloying sweetness, + however. The dancing is as graceful as the pudgy little bodies + of the women are capable of achieving—a little more + pleasing than the capering of a butcher's block, but not quite + so much so as that of a wash tub. Its greatest merit is the + steely rigor of its decorum. The dancers, however, like + ourselves, are a shade less appallingly proper off the floor + than on it.</p> + + <p>In no part of the world, probably, is the condition of women + more consummately deplorable than in India, and, in + consequence, nowhere than in the dances of that country is + manifested a more simple unconsciousness or frank disregard of + decency. As by nature, and according to the light that is in + him, the Hindu is indolent and licentious, so, in accurately + matching degree, are the dancing girls innocent of morality, + and uninfected with shame. It would be difficult, more keenly + to insult a respectable Hindu woman than to accuse her of + having danced, while the man who should affect the society of + the females justly so charged would incur the lasting + detestation of his race. The dancing girls are of two orders of + infamy—those who serve in the temples, and are hence + called Devo Dasi, slaves of the gods, and the Nautch girls, who + dance in a secular sort for hire. Frequently a mother will make + a vow to dedicate her unborn babe, if it have the obedience to + be a girl, to the service of some particular god, in this way, + and by the daughters born to themselves, are the ranks of the + Devo Dasi recruited. The sons of these miserable creatures are + taught to play upon musical instruments for their mothers and + sisters to dance by. As the ordinary Hindu woman is careless + about the exposure of her charms, so these dancers take + intelligent and mischievous advantage of the social situation + by immodestly concealing their own. The Devo Dasi actually go + to the length of wearing clothes! Each temple has a band of + eight or ten of these girls, who celebrate their saltatory + rites morning and evening. Advancing at the head of the + religious procession, they move themselves in an easy and + graceful manner, with gradual transition to a more sensuous and + voluptuous motion, suiting their action to the religious frame + of mind of the devout until their well-rounded limbs and lithe + figures express a degree of piety consonant with the purpose of + the particular occasion. They attend all public ceremonies and + festivals, executing their audacious dances impartially for + gods and men.</p> + + <p>The Nautch girls are purchased in infancy, and as carefully + trained in their wordly way as the Devo Dasi for the diviner + function, being about equally depraved. All the large cities + contain full sets of these girls, with attendant musicians, + ready for hire at festivals of any kind, and by leaving orders + parties are served at their residences with fidelity and + dispatch. Commonly they dance two at a time, but frequently + some wealthy gentleman will secure the services of a hundred or + more to assist him through the day without resorting to + questionable expedients of time-killing. Their dances require + strict attention, from the circumstance that their + feet—like those of the immortal equestrienne of Banbury + Cross—are hung with small bells, which must be made to + sound in concert with the notes of the musicians. In attitude + and gesture they are almost as bad as their pious sisters of + the temples. The endeavor is to express the passions of love, + hope, jealousy, despair, etc, and they eke out this mimicry + with chanted songs in every way worthy of the movements of + which they are the explanatory notes. These are the only women + in Hindustan whom it is thought worth while to teach to read + and write. If they would but make as noble use of their + intellectual as they do of their physical education, they might + perhaps produce books as moral as <i>The Dance of + Death</i>.</p> + + <p>In Persia and Asia Minor, the dances and dancers are nearly + alike. In both countries the Georgian and Circassian slaves who + have been taught the art of pleasing, are bought by the wealthy + for their amusement and that of their wives and concubines. + Some of the performances are pure in motive and modest in + execution, but most of them are interesting otherwise. The + beautiful young Circassian slave, clad in loose robes of + diaphanous texture, takes position, castanets in hand, on a + square rug, and to the music of a kind of violin goes through + the figures of her dance, her whiteness giving her an added + indelicacy which the European spectator misses in the capering + of her berry brown sisters in sin of other climes.</p> + + <p>The dance of the Georgian is more spirited. Her dress is a + brief skirt reaching barely to the knees and a low cut chemise. + In her night black hair is wreathed a bright red scarf or + string of pearls. The music, at first low and slow increases by + degrees in rapidity and volume, then falls away almost to + silence, again swells and quickens and so alternates, the + motions of the dancer's willowy and obedient figure accurately + according now seeming to swim languidly, and anon her little + feet having their will of her, and fluttering in midair like a + couple of birds. She is an engaging creature, her ways are ways + of pleasantness, but whether all her paths are peace depends + somewhat, it is reasonable to conjecture, upon the + circumspection of her daily walk and conversation when + relegated to the custody of her master's wives.</p> + + <p>In some parts of Persia the dancing of boys appareled as + women is held in high favor, but exactly what wholesome human + sentiment it addresses I am not prepared to say.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="IN_THE_BOTTOM_OF_THE_CRUCIBLE"></a>VIII</h2> + + <h3>IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE</h3> + + <p>From the rapid and imperfect review of certain + characteristic oriental dances in the chapters immediately + preceding—or rather from the studies some of whose minor + results those chapters embody—I make deduction of a few + significant facts, to which facts of contrary significance seem + exceptional. In the first place, it is to be noted that in + countries where woman is conspicuously degraded the dance is + correspondingly depraved. By "the dance," I mean, of course, + those characteristic and typical performances which have + permanent place in the social life of the people. Amongst all + nations the dance exists in certain loose and unrecognized + forms, which are the outgrowth of the moment—creatures of + caprice, posing and pranking their brief and inglorious season, + to be superseded by some newer favorite, born of some newer + accident or fancy. A fair type of these ephemeral + dances—the comets of the saltatory system—in so far + as they can have a type, is the now familiar <i>Can-Can</i> of + the Jardin Mabille—a dance the captivating naughtiness of + which has given it wide currency in our generation, the + successors to whose aged rakes and broken bawds it will fail to + please and would probably make unhappy. Dances of this + character, neither national, universal, nor enduring, have + little value to the student of anything but anatomy and + lingerie. By study of a thousand, the product of as many years, + it might be possible to trace the thread upon which such beads + are strung—indeed, it is pretty obvious without research; + but considered singly they have nothing of profit to the + investigator, who will do well to contemplate without + reflection or perform without question, as the bent of his mind + may be observant or experimental.</p> + + <p>Dancing, then, is indelicate where the women are depraved, + and to this it must be added that the women are depraved where + the men are indolent. We need not trouble ourselves to consider + too curiously as to cause and effect. Whether in countries + where man is too lazy to be manly, woman practices deferential + adjustment of her virtues to the loose exactions of his + tolerance, or whether for ladies of indifferent modesty their + lords will not make exertion—these are questions for the + ethnologer. It concerns our purpose only to note that the male + who sits cross-legged on a rug and permits his female to do the + dancing for both gets a quality distinctly inferior to that + enjoyed by his more energetic brother, willing himself to take + a leg at the game. Doubtless the lazy fellow prefers the loose + gamboling of nude girls to the decent grace and moderation of a + better art, but this, I submit, is an error of taste resulting + from imperfect instruction.</p> + + <p>And here we are confronted with the ever recurrent question. + Is dancing immoral? The reader who has done me the honor + attentively to consider the brief descriptions of certain + dances, hereinbefore presented will, it is believed, be now + prepared to answer that some sorts of dancing indubitably + are—a bright and shining example of the type being the + exploit wherein women alone perform and men alone admire. But + one of the arguments by which it is sought to prove dancing + immoral in itself—namely that it provokes evil + passions—we are now able to analyze with the necessary + discrimination, assigning to it its just weight, and tracing + its real bearing on the question. Dances like those described + (with, I hope a certain delicacy and reticence) are undoubtedly + disturbing to the spectator. They have in that circumstance + their <i>raison d'être</i>. As to that, then, there can be no + two opinions. But observe the male oriental voluptuary does not + himself dance. Why? Partly no doubt, because of his immortal + indolence, but mainly, I venture to think, because he wishes to + enjoy his reprehensible emotion, and this can not coexist with + muscular activity If the reader—through either immunity + from improper emotion or unfamiliarity with muscular + activity—entertains a doubt of this, his family physician + will be happy to remove it. Nothing is more certain than that + the dancing girls of oriental countries themselves feel nothing + of what they have the skill to simulate, and the ballet dancer + of our own stage is icily unconcerned while kicking together + the smouldering embers in the heart of the wigged and corseted + old beau below her, and playing the duse's delight with the + disobedient imagination of the he Prude posted in the nooks and + shadows thoughtfully provided for him. Stendahl frankly informs + us, "I have had much experience with the <i>danseuses</i> of + the —— Theatre at Valence. I am convinced that they + are, for the most part, very chaste. It is because their + occupation is too fatiguing."</p> + + <p>The same author, by the way, says elsewhere</p> + +<p class="letter"> +I would wish if I were legislator that they should adopt in France as in +Germany the custom of <i>soirées dansantes</i>. Four times a month the young +girls go with their mothers to a ball beginning at seven o'clock, ending at +midnight and requiring for all expense, a violin and some glasses of water. In +an adjacent room, the mothers perhaps a little jealous of the happy education +of their daughters play at cards, in a third the fathers find the newspapers +and talk politics. Between midnight and one o'clock all the family are reunited +and have regained the paternal roof. The young girls learn to know the young +men, the fatuity, and the indiscretion that follows it, become quickly odious, +in a word they learn how to choose a husband. Some young girls have unfortunate +love affairs, but the number of deceived husbands and unhappy households +(<i>mauvaises ménages</i>) diminishes in immense proportion. +</p> + + <p>For an iron education in cold virtue there is no school like + the position of sitting master to the wall flowers at a church + sociable, but it is humbly conjectured that even the austere + morality of a bald headed Prude might receive an added iciness + if he would but attend one of these simple dancing bouts + disguised as a sweet young girl.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="COUNSEL_FOR_THE_DEFENSE"></a>IX</h2> + + <h3>COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE</h3> + + <p>Nearly all the great writers of antiquity and of the + medieval period who have mentioned dancing at all have done so + in terms of unmistakable favor; of modern famous authors, they + only have condemned it from whose work, or from what is known + of their personal character, we may justly infer an equal + aversion to pretty much everything in the way of pleasure that + a Christian needs not die in order to enjoy. English + literature—I use the word in its noble sense, to exclude + all manner of preaching, whether clerical or lay—is full + of the dance; the sound of merry makers footing it featly to + the music runs like an undertone through all the variations of + its theme and fills all its pauses.</p> + + <p>In the "Miller's Tale," Chaucer mentions dancing among the + accomplishments of the parish clerk, along with blood letting + and the drawing of legal documents:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A merry child he was so God me save,</span> + <br/> + <span>Wel coud he leten blood and clippe and + shave,</span> + <br/> + <span>And make a chartre of land, and a + quitance,</span> + <br/> + <span>In twenty maners could he trip and dance,</span> + <br/> + <span>After the scole of Oxenforde tho</span> + <br/> + <span>And with his legges casten to and fro<a name="FNanchor_B"></a><a href="#Footnote_B" + class="fnanchor">[B]</a></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Milton, the greatest of the Puritans—intellectual + ancestry of the modern degenerate Prudes—had a wholesome + love of the dance, and nowhere is his pen so joyous as in its + description in the well known passage from "Comus" which, + should it occur to my memory while delivering a funeral + oration, I am sure I could not forbear to quote, albeit this, + our present argument, is but little furthered by its + context</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Meanwhile welcome joy and feast</span> + <br/> + <span>Midnight shout and revelry</span> + <br/> + <span>Tipsy dance and jollity</span> + <br/> + <span>Braid your locks with rosy twine</span> + <br/> + <span>Dropping odors dropping wine</span> + <br/> + <span>Rigor now is gone to bed</span> + <br/> + <span>And advice with scrupulous head</span> + <br/> + <span>Strict age and sour severity</span> + <br/> + <span>With their grave saws in slumber lie</span> + <br/> + <span>We that are of purer fire</span> + <br/> + <span>Imitate the starry quire</span> + <br/> + <span>Who in their nightly watching spheres</span> + <br/> + <span>Lead in swift round the months and years</span> + <br/> + <span>The sounds and seas with all their finny + drove</span> + <br/> + <span>And on the tawny sands and shelves</span> + <br/> + <span>Trip the pert fairies and the dapper elves</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If Milton was not himself a good dancer—and as to that + point my memory is unstored with instance or authority—it + will at least be conceded that he was an admirable reporter, + with his heart in the business. Somewhat to lessen the force of + the objection that he puts the foregoing lines into a not very + respectable mouth, on a not altogether reputable occasion, I + append the following passage from the same poem, supposed to be + spoken by the good spirit who had brought a lady and her two + brothers through many perils, restoring them to their + parents:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Noble lord and lady bright</span> + <br/> + <span>I have brought ye new delight</span> + <br/> + <span>Here behold so goodly grown</span> + <br/> + <span>Three fair branches of your own</span> + <br/> + <span>Heaven hath timely tried their youth</span> + <br/> + <span>Their faith their patience and their truth</span> + <br/> + <span>And sent them here through hard assays</span> + <br/> + <span>With a crown of deathless praise</span> + <br/> + <span>To triumph in victorious dance</span> + <br/> + <span>O'er sensual folly and intemperance</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The lines on dancing—lines which themselves + dance—in "L'Allegro," are too familiar, I dare not permit + myself the enjoyment of quotation.</p> + + <p>Lord Herbert of Cherbury, one of the most finished gentlemen + of his time, otherwise laments in his autobiography that he had + never learned to dance because that accomplishment "doth + fashion the body, and gives one a good presence and address in + all companies since it disposeth the limbs to a kind of + <i>souplesse</i> (as the French call it) and agility insomuch + as they seem to have the use of their legs, arms, and bodies + more than many others who, standing stiff and stark in their + postures, seem as if they were taken in their joints, or had + not the perfect use of their members." Altogether, a very grave + objection to dancing in the opinion of those who discountenance + it, and I take great credit for candor in presenting his + lordship's indictment.</p> + + <p>In the following pertinent passage from Lemontey I do not + remember the opinion he quotes from Locke, but his own is + sufficiently to the point:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The dance is for young women what the chase is for young men: a protecting +school of wisdom—a preservative of the growing passions. The celebrated +Locke who made virtue the sole end of education, expressly recommends teaching +children to dance as early as they are able to learn. Dancing carries within +itself an eminently cooling quality and all over the world the tempests of the +heart await to break forth the repose of the limbs. +</p> + + <p>In "The Traveller," Goldsmith says:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Alike all ages dames of ancient days</span> + <br/> + <span>Have led their children through the mirthful + maze</span> + <br/> + <span>And the gay grandsire skilled in gestic + lore</span> + <br/> + <span>Has frisked beneath the burden of three + score.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>To the Prudes, in all soberness—Is it likely, + considering the stubborn conservatism of age, that these dames, + well seasoned in the habit, will leave it off directly, or the + impenitent old grandsire abate one jot or tittle of his + friskiness in the near future? Is it a reasonable hope? Is the + outlook from the watch towers of Philistia an encouraging + one?</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THEY_ALL_DANCE" id="THEY_ALL_DANCE"></a>X</h2> + + <h3>THEY ALL DANCE</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Fountains dance down to the river,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Rivers to the ocean</span> + <br/> + <span>Summer leaflets dance and quiver</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">To the breeze's motion</span> + <br/> + <span>Nothing in the world is single—</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">All things by a simple rule</span> + <br/> + <span>Nods and steps and graces mingle</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">As at dancing school</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>See the shadows on the mountain</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Pirouette with one another</span> + <br/> + <span>See the leaf upon the fountain</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Dances with its leaflet + brother</span> + <br/> + <span>See the moonlight on the earth</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Flecking forest gleam and + glance!</span> + <br/> + <span>What are all these dancings worth</span> + <span class="i2">If I may not dance?</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30"><i>—After Shelley</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Dance? Why not? The dance is natural, it is innocent, + wholesome, enjoyable. It has the sanction of religion, + philosophy, science. It is approved by the sacred writings of + all ages and nations—of Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity, + Islam, of Zoroaster and Confucius. Not an altar, from Jupiter + to Jesus, around which the votaries have not danced with + religious zeal and indubitable profit to mind and body. Fire + worshipers of Persia and Peru danced about the visible sign and + manifestation to their deity. Dervishes dance in frenzy, and + the Shakers jump up and come down hard through excess of the + Spirit. All the gods have danced with all the + goddesses—round dances, too. The lively divinities + created by the Greeks in their own image danced divinely, as + became them. Old Thor stormed and thundered down the icy halls + of the Scandinavian mythology to the music of runic rhymes, and + the souls of slain heroes in Valhalla take to their toes in + celebration of their valorous deeds done in the body upon the + bodies of their enemies. Angels dance before the Great White + Throne to harps attuned by angel hands, and the Master of the + Revels—who arranges the music of the spheres—looks + approvingly on. Dancing is of divine institution.</p> + + <p>The elves and fairies "dance delicate measures" in the light + of the moon and stars. The troll dances his gruesome jig on + lonely hills: the gnome executes his little pigeon wing in the + obscure subterrene by the glimmer of a diamond. Nature's + untaught children dance in wood and glade, stimulated of leg by + the sunshine with which they are soaken top full—the same + quickening emanation that inspires the growing tree and + upheaves the hill. And, if I err not, there is sound Scripture + for the belief that these self same eminences have capacity to + skip for joy. The peasant dances—a trifle + clumsily—at harvest feast when the grain is garnered. The + stars in heaven dance visibly, the firefly dances in emulation + of the stars. The sunshine dances on the waters. The humming + bird and the bee dance about the flowers which dance to the + breeze. The innocent lamb, type of the White Christ, dances on + the green, and the matronly cow perpetrates an occasional stiff + enormity when she fancies herself unobserved. All the sportive + rollickings of all the animals, from the agile fawn to the + unwieldly behemoth are dances taught them by nature.</p> + + <p>I am not here making an argument for dancing, I only assert + its goodness, confessing its abuse. We do not argue the + wholesomeness of sunshine and cold water, we assert it, + admitting that sunstroke is mischievous and that copious + potations of freezing water will founder a superheated horse, + and urge the hot blood to the head of an imprudent man + similarly prepared, killing him, as is right. We do not build + syllogisms to prove that grains and fruits of the earth are of + God's best bounty to man; we allow that bad whisky + may—with difficulty—be distilled from rye to spoil + the toper's nose, and that hydrocyanic acid can be got out of + the bloomy peach. It were folly to prove that Science and + Invention are our very good friends, yet the sapper who has had + the misfortune to be blown to rags by the mine he was preparing + for his enemy will not deny that gunpowder has aptitudes of + mischief; and from the point of view of a nigger ordered upon + the safety-valve of a racing steamboat, the vapor of water is a + thing accurst. Shall we condemn music because the lute makes + "lascivious pleasing?" Or poetry because some amorous bard + tells in warm rhyme the story of the passions, and Swinburne + has had the goodness to make vice offensive with his hymns in + its praise? Or sculpture because from the guiltless marble may + be wrought a drunken Silenus or a lechering + satyr?—painting because the untamed fancies of a painter + sometimes break tether and run riot on his canvas? Because the + orator may provoke the wild passions of the mob, shall there be + no more public speaking?—no further acting because the + actor may be pleased to saw the air, or the actress display her + ultimate inch of leg? Shall we upset the pulpit because poor + dear Mr. Tilton had a prettier wife than poor, dear Mr. + Beecher? The bench had its Jeffrey, yet it is necessary that we + have the deliveries of judgment between ourselves and the + litigious. The medical profession has nursed poisoners enough + to have baned all the rats of christendom; but the resolute + patient must still have his prescription—if he die for + it. Shall we disband our armies because in the hand of an + ambitious madman a field-marshal's baton may brain a helpless + State?—our navies because in ships pirates have "sailed + the seas over?" Let us not commit the vulgarity of condemning + the dance because of its possibilities of perversion by the + vicious and the profligate. Let us not utter us in hot bosh and + baking nonsense, but cleave to reason and the sweet sense of + things.</p> + + <p>Dancing never made a good girl bad, nor turned a wholesome + young man to evil ways. "Opportunity!" simpers the tedious + virgin past the wall-flower of her youth. "Opportunity!" + cackles the <i>blasé</i> beau who has outlasted his legs and + gone deaconing in a church.</p> + + <p>Opportunity, indeed! There is opportunity in church and + school-room, in social intercourse. There is opportunity in + libraries, art-galleries, picnics, street-cars, Bible-classes + and at fairs and matinées. Opportunity—rare, delicious + opportunity, not innocently to be ignored—in moonlight + rambles by still streams. Opportunity, such as it is, behind + the old gentleman's turned back, and beneath the good mother's + spectacled nose. You shall sooner draw out leviathan with a + hook, or bind Arcturus and his sons, than baffle the upthrust + of Opportunity's many heads. Opportunity is a veritable Hydra, + Argus and Briareus rolled into one. He has a hundred heads to + plan his poachings, a hundred eyes to spy the land, a hundred + hands to set his snares and springes. In the country where + young girls are habitually unattended in the street; where the + function of chaperon is commonly, and, it should be added, + intelligently performed by some capable young male; where the + young women receive evening calls from young men concerning + whose presence in the parlor mamma in the nursery and papa at + the "office"—poor, overworked papa!—give themselves + precious little trouble,—this prate of ball-room + opportunity is singularly and engagingly idiotic. The worthy + people who hold such language may justly boast themselves + superior to reason and impregnable to light. The only effective + reply to these creatures would be a cuffing, the well meant + objections of another class merit the refutation of distinct + characterization. It is the old talk of devotees about sin, of + topers concerning water, temperance men of gin, and albeit it + is neither wise nor witty, it is becoming in us at whom they + rail to deal mercifully with them. In some otherwise estimable + souls one of these harmless brain cracks may be a right lovable + trait of character.</p> + + <p>Issues of a social import as great as a raid against dancing + have been raised ere now. Will the coming man smoke? Will the + coming man drink wine? These tremendous and imperative problems + only recently agitated some of the "thoughtful minds" in our + midst. By degrees they lost their preeminence, they were seen + to be in process of solution without social cataclysm, they + have, in a manner been referred for disposal to the coming man + himself, that is to say, they have been dropped, and are to-day + as dead as Julius Cæsar. The present hour has, in its turn, + produced its own awful problem: Will the coming woman + waltz?</p> + + <p>As a question of mere fact the answer is patent: She will. + Dancing will be good for her; she will like it; so she is going + to waltz. But the question may rather be put—to borrow + phraseology current among her critics: Had she + oughter?—from a moral point of view, now. From a moral + point, then, let us seek from analogy some light on the + question of what, from its actual, practical bearings, may be + dignified by the name Conundrum.</p> + + <p>Ought a man not to smoke?—from a moral point of view. + The economical view-point, the view-point of convenience, and + all the rest of them, are not now in question; the simple + question is: Is it immoral to smoke? And again—still from + the moral point of view: Is it immoral to drink wine? Is it + immoral to play at cards?—to visit theaters? (In Boston + you go to some</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i20">harmless "Museum,"</span> + <br/> + <span>Where folks who like plays may religiously see + 'em.)</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Finally, then—and always from the same elevated + view-point: Is it immoral to waltz?</p> + + <p>The suggestions here started will not be further pursued in + this place. It is quite pertinent now to note that we do smoke + because we like it; and do drink wine because we like it; and + do waltz because we like it, and have the added consciousness + that it is a duty. I am sorry for a + fellow-creature—male—who knows not the comfort of a + cigar; sorry and concerned for him who is innocent of the + knowledge of good and evil that lurk respectively in Chambertin + and cheap "claret." Nor is my compassion altogether free from a + sense of superiority to the object of it—superiority + untainted, howbeit, by truculence. I perceive that life has + been bestowed upon him for purposes inscrutable to me, though + dimly hinting its own justification as a warning or awful + example. So, too, of the men and women—"beings erect, and + walking upon two [uneducated] legs"—whose unsophisticated + toes have never, inspired by the rosy, threaded the labyrinth + of the mazy ere courting the kindly offices of the balmy. It is + only human to grieve for them, poor things!</p> + + <p>But if their throbbing bunions, encased in clumsy high-lows, + be obtruded to trip us in our dance, shall we not stamp on + them? Yea, verily, while we have a heel to crunch with and a + leg to grind it home.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="LUST_QUOTH_A" id="LUST_QUOTH_A"></a>XI</h2> + + <h3>LUST, QUOTH'A!</h3> + + <p>You have danced? Ah, good. You have waltzed? Better. You + have felt the hot blood hound through your veins, as your + beautiful partner, compliant to the lightest pressure of your + finger-tips, her breath responsive, matched her every motion + with yours? Best of all—for you have served in the + temple—you are of the priesthood of manhood. You cannot + misunderstand, you will not deliver false oracle.</p> + + <p>Do you remember your first waltz with the lovely woman whom + you had longed like a man but feared like a boy to + touch—even so much as the hem of her garment? Can you + recall the time, place and circumstance? Has not the very first + bar of the music that whirled you away been singing itself in + your memory ever since? Do you recall the face you then looked + into, the eyes that seemed deeper than a mountain tarn, the + figure that you clasped, the beating of the heart, the warm + breath that mingled with your own? Can you faintly, as in a + dream—<i>blasé</i> old dancer that you are—invoke a + reminiscence of the delirium that stormed your soul, expelling + the dull demon in possession? Was it lust, as the Prudes + aver—the poor dear Prudes, with the feel of the cold wall + familiar to the leathery backs of them?</p> + + <p>It was the gratification—the decent, honorable, legal + gratification—of the passion for rhythm; the + unconditional surrender to the supreme law of periodicity, + under conditions of exact observance by all external things. + The notes of the music repeat and supplement each other; the + lights burn with answering flame at sequent distances; the + walls, the windows, doors, mouldings, frescoes, iterate their + lines, their levels, and panels, interminable of combination + and similarity; the inlaid floor matches its angles, multiplies + its figures, does over again at this point what it did at that; + the groups of dancers deploy in couples, aggregate in groups, + and again deploy, evoking endless resemblances. And all this + rhythm and recurrence, borne in upon the brain—itself + rhythmic—through intermittent senses, is converted into + motion, and the mind, yielding utterly to its environment, + knows the happiness of faith, the ecstasy of compliance, the + rapture of congruity. And this the dull dunces—the + eyeless, earless, brainless and bloodless callosites of + cavil—are pleased to call lust!</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O ye, who teach the ingenuous youth of + nations</span> <span class="i2">The Boston Dip, the + German and the Glide,</span> + <br/> + <span>I pray you guard them upon all occasions</span> + <span class="i2">From contact of the palpitating + side;</span> + <br/> + <span>Requiring that their virtuous gyrations</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Shall interpose a space a furlong + wide</span> + <br/> + <span>Between the partners, lest their thoughts grow + lewd—</span> + <br/> + <span>So shall we satisfy the exacting Prude.</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Israfel Brown</i>.</span> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="OUR_GRANDMOTHERS_LEGS"></a>XII</h2> + + <h3>OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS</h3> + + <p>It is depressing to realize how little most of us know of + the dancing of our ancestors. I would give value to behold the + execution of a coranto and inspect the steps of a cinque-pace, + having assurance that the performances assuming these names + were veritably identical with their memorable originals. We + possess the means of verifying somewhat as to the nature of the + minuet; but after what fashion did our revered grandfather do + his rigadoon and his gavot? What manner of thing was that + pirouet in the deft execution of which he felt an honest + exultation? And what were the steps of his contra (or country) + and Cossack dances? What tune was that—"The Devil amongst + the Fiddlers"—for which he clamored, to inspire his feats + of leg?</p> + + <p>In our fathers' time we read:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +I wore my blue coat and brass buttons, very high in the neck, short in the +waist and sleeves, nankeen trousers and white silk stockings, and a white +waistcoat. I performed all the steps accurately and with great agility. +</p> + + <p>Which, it appears, gained the attention of the company. And + it well might, for the year was 1830, and the mode of + performing the cotillion of the period was undergoing the + metamorphosis of which the perfect development has been + familiar to ourselves. In its next stage the male celebrant is + represented to us as "hopping about with a face expressive of + intense solemnity, dancing as if a quadrille"—mark the + newer word—"were not a thing to be laughed at, but a + severe trial to the feelings." There is a smack of ancient + history about this, too; it lurks in the word "hopping." In the + perfected development of this dance as known to ourselves, no + stress of caricature would describe the movement as a hopping. + But our grandfather not only hopped, he did more. He sprang + from the floor and quivered. In midair he crossed his feet + twice and even three times, before alighting. And our budding + grandmother beheld, and experienced flutterings of the bosom at + his manly achievements. Some memory of these feats survived in + the performances of the male ballet-dancers—a breed now + happily extinct. A fine old lady—she lives, aged + eighty-two—showed me once the exercise of "setting to + your partner," performed in her youth; and truly it was right + marvelous. She literally bounced hither and thither, effecting + a twisting in and out of the feet, a patting and a flickering + of the toes incredibly intricate. For the celebration of these + rites her partner would array himself in morocco pumps with + cunningly contrived buckles of silver, silk stockings, + salmon-colored silk breeches tied with abundance of riband, + exuberant frills, or "chitterlings," which puffed out at the + neck and bosom not unlike the wattles of a he-turkey; and under + his arms—as the fowl roasted might have carried its + gizzard—our grandfather pressed the flattened simulacrum + of a cocked hat. At this interval of time charity requires us + to drop over the lady's own costume a veil that, tried by our + canons of propriety, it sadly needed. She was young and + thoughtless, the good grandmother; she was conscious of the + possession of charms and concealed them not.</p> + + <p>To the setting of these costumes, manners and practices, + there was imported from Germany a dance called Waltz, which as + I conceive, was the first of our "round" dances. It was + welcomed by most persons who could dance, and by some superior + souls who could not. Among the latter, the late Lord + Byron—whose participation in the dance was barred by an + unhappy physical disability—addressed the new-comer in + characteristic verse. Some of the lines in this ingenious + nobleman's apostrophe are not altogether intelligible, when + applied to any dance that we know by the name of waltz. For + example:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Pleased round the chalky floor, how well they + trip,</span> + <br/> + <span>One hand<a name="FNanchor_C"></a><a href="#Footnote_C" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> reposing on the royal + hip,</span> + <br/> + <span>The other to the shoulder no less royal</span> + <br/> + <span>Ascending with affection truly loyal.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>These lines imply an attitude unknown to contemporary + waltzers, but the description involves no poetic license. Our + dear grandmothers (giddy, giddy girls!) did their waltz that + way. Let me quote:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The lady takes the gentleman round the neck with one arm, resting against his +shoulder. During the motion, the dancers are continually changing their +relative situations: now the gentleman brings his arm about the lady's neck, +and the lady takes him round the waist. +</p> + + <p>At another point, the lady may "lean gently on his + shoulder," their arms (as it appears) "entwining." This + description is by an eyewitness, whose observation is taken, + not at the rather debauched court of the Prince Regent, but at + the simple republican assemblies of New York. The observer is + the gentle Irving, writing in 1807. Occasional noteworthy + experiences they must have had—those modest, blooming + grandmothers—for, it is to be borne in mind, tipsiness + was rather usual with dancing gentlemen in the fine old days of + Port and Madeira; and the blithe, white-armed grandmothers + themselves did sip their punch, to a man. However, we may + forbear criticism. We, at least, owe nothing but reverent + gratitude to a generation from which we derive life, waltzing + and the memory of Madeira. Even when read, as it needs should + be read, in the light of that prose description of the dance to + which it was addressed, Lord Byron's welcome to the waltz will + be recognized as one more illustration of a set of hoary and + moss-grown truths.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>As parlor-soldiers, graced with + fancy-scars,</span> + <br/> + <span>Rehearse their bravery in imagined wars;</span> + <br/> + <span>As paupers, gathered in congenial flocks,</span> + <br/> + <span>Babble of banks, insurances, and stocks;</span> + <br/> + <span>As each if oft'nest eloquent of what</span> + <br/> + <span>He hates or covets, but possesses not;</span> + <br/> + <span>As cowards talk of pluck; misers of waste;</span> + <br/> + <span>Scoundrels of honor; country clowns of + taste;</span> + <br/> + <span>Ladies of logic; devotees of sin;</span> + <br/> + <span>Topers of water; temperance men of + gin—</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>my lord Byron sang of waltzing. Let us forgive + and—remembering his poor foot—pity him. Yet the + opinions of famous persons possess an interest that is akin, in + the minds of many plain folk, to weight. Let us, then, incline + an ear to another: "Laura was fond of waltzing, as every brisk + and innocent young girl should be," wrote he than who none has + written more nobly in our time—he who "could appreciate + good women and describe them; and draw them more truly than any + novelist in the language, except Miss Austen." The same + sentiment with reference to dancing appears in many places in + his immortal pages. In his younger days as <i>attaché</i> of + legation in Germany, Mr. Thackeray became a practiced waltzer. + As a censor he thus possesses over Lord Byron whatever + advantage may accrue from knowledge of the subject whereof he + wrote.</p> + + <p>We are happily not called upon to institute a comparison of + character between the two distinguished moralists, though the + same, drawn masterly, might not be devoid of entertainment and + instruction. But two or three other points of distinction + should be kept in mind as having sensible relation to the + question of competency to bear witness. Byron wrote of the + women of a corrupted court; Thackeray of the women of that + society indicated by the phrase "Persons whom one + meets"—and meets <i>now</i>. Byron wrote of an obsolete + dance, described by Irving in terms of decided strength; + Thackeray wrote of our own waltz. In turning off his brilliant + and witty verses it is unlikely that any care as to their + truthfulness disturbed the glassy copiousness of the Byronic + utterance; this child of nature did never consider too + curiously of justice, moderation and such inventions of the + schools. The key-note of all the other wrote is given by his + faithful pen when it avers that it never "signed the page that + registered a lie." Byron was a "gentleman of wit and pleasure + about town"; Thackeray the father of daughters. However, all + this is perhaps little to the purpose. We owe no trifling debt + to Lord Byron for his sparkling and spirited lines, and by no + good dancer would they be "willingly let die." Poetry, music, + dancing—they are one art. The muses are sisters, yet they + do not quarrel. Of a truth, even as was Laura, so every brisk + and innocent young girl should be. And it is safe to predict + that she will be. If she would enjoy the advantage of belonging + to Our Set she must be.</p> + + <p>As a rule, the ideas of the folk who cherish a prejudice + against dancing are crude rather than unclean—the outcome + much more of ignorance than salacity. Of course there are + exceptions. In my great work on The Prude all will be attended + to with due discrimination in apportionment of censure. At + present the spirit of the dance makes merry with my pen, for + from yonder "stately pleasure-dome" (decreed by one Kubla Khan, + formerly of The Big Bonanza Mining Company) the strains of the + <i>Blue Danube</i> float out upon the night. Avaunt, + miscreants! lest we chase ye with flying feet and do our little + dance upon your unwholesome carcasses. Already the toes of our + partners begin to twiddle beneath their petticoats. Come, then, + Stoopid—can't you move? No!—they change it to a + galop—and eke the good old Sturm. Firm and steady, now, + fair partner mine, whiles we run that <i>gobemouche</i> down + and trample him miserably. There: light and softly + again—the servants will remove the remains.</p> + + <p>And hark! that witching strain once more:</p> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/image002.jpg" + width="480" + height="497" + alt="Music tablature" /> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="EPIGRAMS" id="EPIGRAMS"></a>EPIGRAMS</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <p>If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his + leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow + by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.</p> + + <p>To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit + of Evil, and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to + represent the note of interrogation.</p> + + <p>"Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling + lamb.</p> + + <p>In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your + magnanimity be construed as indifference.</p> + + <p>True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.</p> + + <p>Age is provident because the less future we have the more we + fear it.</p> + + <p>Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and + the needle forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and + never intermits. Since it has been found that the axis of the + earth wabbles, stupidity is indispensable as a standard of + constancy.</p> + + <p>In order that the list of able women may be memorized for + use at meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately + made it brief.</p> + + <p>Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A little heap of dust,</span> + <br/> + <span>A little streak of rust,</span> + <br/> + <span>A stone without a name—</span> + <br/> + <span>Lo! hero, sword and fame.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to + woman's lack of temptation and man's lack of opportunity.</p> + + <p>"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the + philosopher. "May you live forever!"</p> + + <p>The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by + setting it in brass is writing "dialect" for publication.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?"</p> + + <p>"I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude."</p> + + <p>"Then thou dost not deserve to find her."</p> + + <p>"True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. + But who art thou, to be so wise?"</p> + + <p>"I am Gratitude—farewell forever."</p> + + <p>There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he + disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.</p> + + <p>The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the + kingdoms that he set up have disappeared. But all the armies + and statecraft of Europe cannot unsay what you have said.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Strive not for singularity in dress;</span> + <br/> + <span>Fools have the more and men of sense the + less.</span> + <br/> + <span>To look original is not worth while,</span> + <br/> + <span>But be in mind a little out of style.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>A conqueror arose from the dead. "Yesterday," he said, "I + ruled half the world." "Please show me the half that you + ruled," said an angel, pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor + floating in space. "That is the world."</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?"</p> + + <p>"My name is Avarice. What is thine?"</p> + + <p>"Unselfishness."</p> + + <p>"Where is thy clothing, placid one?"</p> + + <p>"Thou art wearing it."</p> + + <p>To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious + matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not + understand.</p> + + <p>If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be + not too much greater than they.</p> + + <p>To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he + has—such is the hope of him who seeks the admiration of + posterity. The character of his work does not matter; he is a + humorist.</p> + + <p>Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior + tact.</p> + + <p>To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, + cultivate a generous disposition.</p> + + <p>Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest + wrong that you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out + his beast.</p> + + <p>When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for + assent the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the + unreasoning brutes, and believe both.</p> + + <p>Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more + frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, + and so has against it a numerical presumption.</p> + + <p>A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it + makes you dance, but you can't let go.</p> + + <p>Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. + Merit stepped off into the mud and went round him, bowing his + apologies, which Success had the grace to accept.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>"I think," says the philosopher divine,</span> + <br/> + <span>"Therefore I am." Sir, here's a surer + sign:</span> + <br/> + <span>We know we live, for with our every breath</span> + <br/> + <span>We feel the fear and imminence of death.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask + him and he will prove it.</p> + + <p>He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will + always have his choice, for no injustice can be done to + him.</p> + + <p>There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness + hereafter as there are minds that have marred their happiness + here.</p> + + <p>We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we + were immortal we should not crave immortality.</p> + + <p>A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought + none to the rabbit.</p> + + <p>Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold + his tongue, ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen.</p> + + <p>The most charming view in the world is obtained by + introspection.</p> + + <p>Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly + and the player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one + incomparable advantage: he is not the stake.</p> + + <p>It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the + jungle, for commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the + open.</p> + + <p>We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our + judgment need not, therefore, go to confession.</p> + + <p>Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the + other in marriage.</p> + + <p>If you give alms from compassion, why require the + beneficiary to be "a deserving object"? No other adversity is + so sharp as destitution of merit.</p> + + <p>Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a + particular privation.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain</span> + <br/> + <span>To get by giving what you lost by gain.</span> + <br/> + <span>With every gift you do but swell the + cloud</span> + <br/> + <span>Of witnesses against you, swift and + loud—</span> + <br/> + <span>Accomplices who turn and swear you split</span> + <br/> + <span>Your life: half robber and half hypocrite.</span> + <br/> + <span>You're least unsafe when most intact you + hold</span> + <br/> + <span>Your curst allotment of dishonest gold.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of + the success of another.</p> + + <p>If Inclination challenge, stand and fight—<br/> + From Opportunity the wise take flight.</p> + + <p>What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. + What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself.</p> + + <p>Those who most loudly invite God's attention to themselves + when in peril of death are those who should most fervently wish + to escape his observation.</p> + + <p>When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is + only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know + yours.</p> + + <p>How fascinating is Antiquity!—in what a golden haze + the ancients lived their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our + enchanting time Posterity's great poets will sing immortal + songs, and its archæologists will reverently uncover the + foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime we swap + jack-knives.</p> + + <p>Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a + cent puts aside the temptation to manipulate the market or + acquire a monopoly.</p> + + <p>For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a + needless expense.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>"There's no free will," says the + philosopher;</span> <span class="i2">"To hang is most + unjust."</span> + <br/> + <span>"There is no free will," assents the + officer;</span> <span class="i2">"We hang because we + must."</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is + why we know so much about the Hereafter and so little about the + Heretofore.</p> + + <p>Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we + should accept the act of cackling geese in saving Rome as + partial reparation.</p> + + <p>There are two classes of women who may do as they please; + those who are rich and those who are poor. The former can count + on assent, the latter on inattention.</p> + + <p>When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as + the guest of Love she turns her host out of doors.</p> + + <p>Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is + known as the Future; Age knows her as the Dream.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, there in the mire?"</p> + + <p>"Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in + fear on the brink of the bog."</p> + + <p>"A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, + sometimes known as Dry-foot."</p> + + <p>In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is + uprooted or rooted up. The difference is in the reformer.</p> + + <p>The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the + sexes: no man is so base but some woman is base enough to love + him.</p> + + <p>Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on + the verge of the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the + notable feat of turning about knows himself the central figure + in the universe.</p> + + <p>Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be + without it.</p> + + <p>If women did the writing of the world, instead of the + talking, men would be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, + grace and goodness.</p> + + <p>Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss + your companion and say farewell.</p> + + <p>Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience + prate of the value of life.</p> + + <p>The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards + them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add + another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are + permitted only to wish to be another.</p> + + <p>The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male + rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in + nature.</p> + + <p>Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into + the head there is no dissension; only an eviction.</p> + + <p>If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: + write it.</p> + + <p>"Where goest thou, Ignorance?"</p> + + <p>"To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril."</p> + + <p>"I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge."</p> + + <p>"Scoundrel! Thou art the peril."</p> + + <p>A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her + thoughts and virtuously flies from the temptation of her + desires.</p> + + <p>The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who + if you were hungry would take you by the café.</p> + + <p>When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a + diplomatic intimation; when ready, a diplomat.</p> + + <p>If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it + would in the long run be half the time right.</p> + + <p>The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor + upon the business known as gambling.</p> + + <p>A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is + faithful to that which is neither pleased nor profited by her + fidelity.</p> + + <p>Of one who was "foolish" the creators of our language said + that he was "fond." That we have not definitely reversed the + meanings of the words should be set down to the credit of our + courtesy.</p> + + <p>Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer + in the wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to + denounce a successful mob.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Artistically set to grace</span> + <br/> + <span>The wall of a dissecting-place,</span> + <br/> + <span>A human pericardium</span> + <br/> + <span>Was fastened with a bit of gum,</span> + <br/> + <span>While, simply underrunning it,</span> + <br/> + <span>The one word, "Charity," was writ</span> + <br/> + <span>To show the student band that hovered</span> + <br/> + <span>About it what it once had covered.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good + reputation is helpful to virtue.</p> + + <p>When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a + philosophy or doctrine go upward.</p> + + <p>We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not + compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of + respect.</p> + + <p>Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra's + nose would have changed the fortunes of the world. But having + said this, he has said nothing, for all the forces of nature + and all the power of dynasties could not have added an inch to + the length of Cleopatra's nose.</p> + + <p>Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman + is the only necessary having the boldness and address to compel + recognition as a luxury.</p> + + <p>"I am the seat of the affections," said the heart.</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said the judgment, "you save my face."</p> + + <p>"Who art thou that weepest?"</p> + + <p>"Man."</p> + + <p>"Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. + Study me and learn that nothing matters."</p> + + <p>"Then how does it matter that I weep?"</p> + + <p>A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it + implies something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of + our importance; whereas an injury presupposes some degree of + consideration. "The black-guards!" said a traveler whom + Sicilian brigands had released without ransom; "did they think + me a person of no consequence?"</p> + + <p>The people's plaudits are unheard in hell.</p> + + <p>Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no + chances.</p> + + <p>If there was a world before this we must all have died + impenitent.</p> + + <p>We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, + the clever, a good one.</p> + + <p>If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being + one this would be a world of wrath.</p> + + <p>Force and charm are important elements of character, but it + counts for little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a + lion.</p> + + <p>Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool:<br/> + Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool?</p> + + <p>A popular author is one who writes what the people think. + Genius invites them to think something else.</p> + + <p>Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him + with long ears and a tail. Man's conception is higher and + truer: he thinks of him as somewhat resembling a man.</p> + + <p>Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.</p> + + <p>The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own + distorted image and seeks to propitiate it.</p> + + <p>Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in + the land, but do not hope that the life insurance companies + will offer thee special rates.</p> + + <p>Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be + Darwin's theory of the descent of Man from the Ape may find + comfort in the hope of his return.</p> + + <p>A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you + shall not so readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher + as a philosopher that you are a fool.</p> + + <p>A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of + the art accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination.</p> + + <p>When publicly censured our first instinct is to make + everybody a codefendant.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O lady fine, fear not to lead</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">To Hymen's shrine a clown:</span> + <br/> + <span>Love cannot level up, indeed,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">But he can level down.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. + It is a faithful man who is willing to be watched by a + half-dozen wives.</p> + + <p>The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.</p> + + <p>"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you + not choose Innocence?"</p> + + <p>"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing + but that she is a virtue."</p> + + <p>It is a wise "man's man" who knows what it is that he + despises in a "ladies' man."</p> + + <p>If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would + boast of the adoration they inspire.</p> + + <p>The only distinction that democracies reward is a high + degree of conformity.</p> + + <p>Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage + carts on their way to the dumps.</p> + + <p>A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the + superiority of her sex.</p> + + <p>"At last," she said, "I shall have rest and honors."</p> + + <p>"Enter," said Saint Peter; "thou shalt wash the faces of the + dear little cherubim."</p> + + <p>To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest + unless she can make a particular application of it. And we say + that women are not practical!</p> + + <p>The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the + learned know the shallowness of their learning.</p> + + <p>He who relates his success in charming woman's heart may be + assured of his failure to charm man's ear.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>What poignant memories the shadows bring;</span> + <br/> + <span>What songs of triumph in the dawning + ring!</span> + <br/> + <span>By night a coward and by day a king.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with + circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.</p> + + <p>As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type + and standard, so the critic's theories are imposed by his own + limitations.</p> + + <p>"Heaven lies about us in our infancy," and our neighbors + take up the tale as we mature.</p> + + <p>"My laws," she said, "are of myself a part: + <br/> + I read them by examining my heart." + <br/> + "True," he replied; "like those to Moses known, + <br/> + Thine also are engraven upon stone."</p> + + <p>Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one's + self one turns to consider one's dream.</p> + + <p>"Halt!—who goes there?"</p> + + <p>"Death."</p> + + <p>"Advance, Death, and give the countersign."</p> + + <p>"How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou + shalt enter mine."</p> + + <p>"What! I a deserter?"</p> + + <p>"Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies + of mankind."</p> + + <p>"Who are they?"</p> + + <p>"Life and the Fear of Death."</p> + + <p>The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand + and says they signify character. The philosopher reads + character by what the hand most loves to close upon.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Ah, woe is his, with length of living + cursed,</span> + <br/> + <span>Who, nearing second childhood, had no + first.</span> + <br/> + <span>Behind, no glimmer, and before no + ray—</span> + <br/> + <span>A night at either end of his dark day.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible + with a spirited zeal in defamation of women.</p> + + <p>The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame + defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste + than love of money.</p> + + <p>He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for + disparagement of genius is like one who should plead robbery in + excuse of theft.</p> + + <p>The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that + which finds expression in pretended remorse for impossible + gallantries.</p> + + <p>Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is + true. For that which is both new and true we must go duly + accredited to the gods and await their pleasure.</p> + + <p>The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of + Reason must be submitted even the claims of Faith.</p> + + <p>"Whither goest thou?" said the angel.</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"And whence hast thou come?"</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"But who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on + to the place whence thou hast come."</p> + + <p>If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they + are the most harmonious brothers that ever were seen.</p> + + <p>Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a + rascal is one who knows not how to think.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Do you to others as you would</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">That others do to you;</span> + <br/> + <span>But see that you no service good</span> + <br/> + <span>Would have from others that they could</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Not rightly do.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: + balky horses may best be made to go by having their ears + bitten.</p> + + <p>Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and + exacted a certain gratitude for the distinction of his + preference.</p> + + <p>A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must + begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million + graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can + sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your + hand and he falls into line with the other links.</p> + + <p>He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool + is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his + convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.</p> + + <p>These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having + learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to + discern the soul of things.</p> + + <p>Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love + seem the first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved + once.</p> + + <p>Men who expect universal peace through invention of + destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting + the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an + end to the tilling of the soil.</p> + + <p>To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When + the young die and the old live, nature's machinery is working + with the friction that we name grief.</p> + + <p>Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women.</p> + + <p>Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If + Man knew his insignificance in the scheme of things he would + not think it worth while to rise from barbarity to + enlightenment. But it is only through enlightenment that he can + know.</p> + + <p>Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think + not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the + journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.</p> + + <p>The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and + "me." "It will probably rain"—that is dogmatic. "I think + it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is + the most delightful of essayists because so great is his + humility that he does not think it important that we see not + Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to + make us forget him.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>On fair foundations Theocrats unwise</span> + <br/> + <span>Rear superstructures that offend the + skies.</span> + <br/> + <span>"Behold," they cry, "this pile so fair and + tall!</span> + <br/> + <span>Come dwell within it and be happy all."</span> + <br/> + <span>But they alone inhabit it, and find,</span> + <br/> + <span>Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the + mind.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit thou art an + anarchist, and if thou take not his word thou shalt take + nothing that he hath. Make haste, therefore, to be civil to thy + betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is the foundation of + the state.</p> + + <p>Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the + estate.</p> + + <p>When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new + register.</p> + + <p>When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam + and accused him of infidelity.</p> + + <p>"Why dost thou weep?"</p> + + <p>"For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall never again see + her!"</p> + + <p>"Thy wife will never again see thee, yet she does not + weep."</p> + + <p>What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, + etiquette is to civility.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe's + raggedness seemest to enjoy thyself?"</p> + + <p>"Naught else is enjoyable—I am Contentment."</p> + + <p>"Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in + my fine attire."</p> + + <p>"I have no shirt. Pass on, Success."</p> + + <p>Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, + even beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To + affect a spurious ignorance is to disclose a genuine.</p> + + <p>Because you will not take by theft what you can have by + cheating, think not yours is the only conscience in the world. + Even he who permits you to cheat his neighbor will shrink from + permitting you to cheat himself.</p> + + <p>"God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?"</p> + + <p>"Wisdom. And thine?"</p> + + <p>"Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?"</p> + + <p>"This is an intersection of our paths."</p> + + <p>"Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same + road?"</p> + + <p>"We were well named if we knew."</p> + + <p>Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious + tolerance is a kind of infidelity.</p> + + <p>Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be + sometimes dishonest.</p> + + <p>The philosopher's profoundest conviction is that which he is + most reluctant to express, lest he mislead.</p> + + <p>When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may + choose a person who is willing.</p> + + <p>The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince + himself.</p> + + <p>In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer + proposed a tax on fools.</p> + + <p>"The right honorable and generous gentleman," said a member, + "forgets that we already have it in the poll tax."</p> + + <p>"Whose dead body is that?"</p> + + <p>"Credulity's."</p> + + <p>"By whom was he slain?"</p> + + <p>"Credulity."</p> + + <p>"Ah, suicide."</p> + + <p>"No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and + swallowed all that was set before him."</p> + + <p>Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat.</p> + + <p>Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is + no proof of poverty.</p> + + <p>Courage is the acceptance of the gambler's chance: a brave + man bets against the game of the gods.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"A philanthropist. And thou?"</p> + + <p>"A pauper."</p> + + <p>"Away! you have nothing to relieve my need."</p> + + <p>Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, + for nothing is before.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Think not, O man, the world has any need</span> + <br/> + <span>That thou canst truly serve by word or + deed.</span> + <br/> + <span>Serve thou thy better self, nor care to + know</span> + <br/> + <span>How God makes righteousness and roses + grow.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: + by the use of an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion + can be made to seem a religious ecstasy.</p> + + <p>The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich + is his self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery.</p> + + <p>One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the + understanding.</p> + + <p>If the righteous thought death what they think they think it + they would search less diligently for divine ordinances against + suicide.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail:</span> + <br/> + <span>Injustice can the just alone assail.</span> + <br/> + <span>Deny compassion to the wretch who + swerved,</span> + <br/> + <span>Till all who, fainting, walked aright are + served.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is + trimmed with feathers of the white blackbird.</p> + + <p>All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is + called a philosopher.</p> + + <p>Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, + and then sets up as a fountain.</p> + + <p>The present is the frontier between the desert of the past + and the garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment.</p> + + <p>The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention + than it is worth.</p> + + <p>At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater + at death than at the noon of life.</p> + + <p>Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce + the errors of youth for those of age.</p> + + <p>From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, + a season. Age comes in a night and is incredible.</p> + + <p>Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with + "How are you?" and he replies: "On the contrary, how are + <i>you</i>?" pass on.</p> + + <p>If all thought were audible none would be deemed + discreditable. We know, indeed, that bad thoughts are + universal, but that is not the same thing as catching them at + being so.</p> + + <p>"All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you + blundered into it," said Satan, ejecting Hope. "You make + trouble wherever you go."</p> + + <p>Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is + present to answer them.</p> + + <p>The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. + When an angel wakes one of us dies.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>The man of "honor" pays his bet</span> + <br/> + <span>By saving on his lawful debt.</span> + <br/> + <span>When he to Nature pays his dust</span> + <br/> + <span>(Not for he would, but for he must)</span> + <br/> + <span>Men say, "He settled that, 'tis true,</span> + <br/> + <span>But, faith, it long was overdue."</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only + the first step. The second is justification of herself by + accusation of you.</p> + + <p>If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true + relation to the universe.</p> + + <p>Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his + position on the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning + and knows not whither he is bound.</p> + + <p>Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting + it.</p> + + <p>As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to + the trick of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy.</p> + + <p>When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to + come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he + has had.</p> + + <p>When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made + woman. As to why He then stopped there are two opinions. One of + them is woman's.</p> + + <p>She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a + crow. He hated her because she unlocked the cage of his + beast.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"Friendship."</p> + + <p>"I am Love; let us travel together."</p> + + <p>"Yes—for a day's journey; then thou arrivest at thy + grave."</p> + + <p>"And thou?"</p> + + <p>"I go as far as the grave of Advantage."</p> + + <p>Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes + and spires of the City of Contentment.</p> + + <p>You would say of that old man: "He is bald and bent." No; in + the presence of Death he uncovers and bows.</p> + + <p>If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. + Yet every year has its winter.</p> + + <p>You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the + impossibility of putting the stones in place.</p> + + <p>Men were singing the praises of Justice.</p> + + <p>"Not so loud," said an angel; "if you wake her she will put + you all to death."</p> + + <p>Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom + to see the bogs through which he has floundered.</p> + + <p>Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow + only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet + Philanthropos would abolish evil!</p> + + <p>One whose falsehoods no longer deceive has forfeited the + right to speak truth.</p> + + <p>Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is + known.</p> + + <p>To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he + who is persuaded of his incredulity.</p> + + <p>In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a + virtue.</p> + + <p>That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for + not serving God.</p> + + <p>A fool's tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his + ear commanding them to silence.</p> + + <p>If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of + love, it would be sparsely inhabited.</p> + + <p>To the eye of failure success is an accident with a + presumption of crime.</p> + + <p>Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his + own feet, and calls it Progress.</p> + + <p>You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of + wayside roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the + route.</p> + + <p>The world was made a sphere in order that men should not + push one another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks + of the sea.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Let not the night on thy resentment fall:</span> + <br/> + <span>Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at + all.</span> + <br/> + <span>The lion ceases if his first leap + fail—</span> + <br/> + <span>'Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made + another.</p> + + <p>"Give us that also," said His children.</p> + + <p>"Nay," He replied, "if I give you that you will slay one + another till none is left. You shall have only its name, which + is Justice."</p> + + <p>"That is a good name," they said; "we will give it to a + virtue of our own creation."</p> + + <p>So they gave it to Revenge.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>The sea-bird speeding from the realm of + night</span> + <br/> + <span>Dashes to death against the beacon-light.</span> + <br/> + <span>Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul,</span> + <br/> + <span>The ministry of light is guide, not goal.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>While you have a future do not live too much in + contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk + backward the mirror is a poor guide.</p> + + <p>"O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?"</p> + + <p>"To spare me thine impetuous embrace."</p> + + <p>He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent + silence, but he who only believes himself great has embraced a + noisy faith.</p> + + <p>Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or + two, and go our several ways back into the darkness. The + mystery is infinitely pathetic and picturesque.</p> + + <p>Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills + are a-smirk with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, + austere and desolate, holding a prophecy of doom.</p> + + <p>It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are + not as other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as + to the nature of the difference.</p> + + <p>In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward + stop until it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy + destination.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Seek not for happiness—'tis known</span> + <br/> + <span>To hope and memory alone;</span> + <br/> + <span>At dawn—how bright the noon will be!</span> + <br/> + <span>At eve—how fair it glowed, ah, me!</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Brain was given to test the heart's credibility as a + witness, yet the philosopher's lady is almost as fine as the + clown's wench.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, so sorrowful?"</p> + + <p>"Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of + Benevolence."</p> + + <p>"Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence."</p> + + <p>"Wretch! thou art my father and my mother."</p> + + <p>Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for + ourselves nor resent in others.</p> + + <p>To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and + classify we give the name Knowledge.</p> + + <p>"I wish to enter," said the soul of the voluptuary.</p> + + <p>"I am told that all the beautiful women are here."</p> + + <p>"Enter," said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed + in.</p> + + <p>"They make the place what it is," added Satan, as the gates + clanged.</p> + + <p>Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms + without falling into her hands.</p> + + <p>Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make + restitution to the accuser.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Study good women and ignore the rest,</span> + <br/> + <span>For he best knows the sex who knows the + best.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal + affairs. You may live.</p> + + <p>Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting + opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at the Gate.</p> + + <p>"I am known as Memory."</p> + + <p>"What presumption!—go back to Hell. And who, + perspiring friend, art thou?"</p> + + <p>"<i>My</i> name is Satan. I am looking + for——"</p> + + <p>"Take your penal apparatus and be off."</p> + + <p>And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: "Come along, you + scoundrel! you make happiness wherever you are not."</p> + + <p>Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and + manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a + little of the original earth clinging to the roots.</p> + + <p>The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of + Remorse.</p> + + <p>Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, + Youth.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>There are but ten Commandments, true,</span> + <br/> + <span>But that's no hardship, friend, to you;</span> + <br/> + <span>The sins whereof no line is writ</span> + <br/> + <span>You're not commanded to commit.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited + superstition—it is at night, mostly, that the king + thinks.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?" said Mercy.</p> + + <p>"Revenge, the father of Justice."</p> + + <p>"Thou wearest thy son's clothing."</p> + + <p>"One must be clad."</p> + + <p>"Farewell—I go to attend thy son."</p> + + <p>"Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle."</p> + + <p>Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.</p> + + <p>Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an + owner.</p> + + <p>You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, + but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older + every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times + a day.</p> + + <p>A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a + wine-bottle.</p> + + <p>He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on + without them.</p> + + <p>"Who am I?" asked an awakened soul.</p> + + <p>"That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here," + answered a smiling angel; "this is Heaven."</p> + + <p>Woman's courage is ignorance of danger; man's is hope of + escape.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When God had finished this terrestrial + frame</span> + <br/> + <span>And all things else, with or without a + name,</span> + <br/> + <span>The Nothing that remained within His hand</span> + <br/> + <span>Said: "Make me into something fine and + grand,</span> + <br/> + <span>Thine angels to amuse and entertain."</span> + <br/> + <span>God heard and made it into human brain.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for + already Nature's knife is at his throat and yours.</p> + + <p>To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; + beware upon whom you inflict it.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Bear me, good oceans, to some isle</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Where I may never fear</span> + <br/> + <span>The snake alurk in woman's smile,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">The tiger in her tear.</span> + <br/> + <span>Yet bear not with me her, O deeps,</span> + <br/> + <span>Who never smiles and never weeps.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Life and Death threw dice for a child.</p> + + <p>"I win!" cried Life.</p> + + <p>"True," said Death, "but you need a nimbler tongue to + proclaim your luck. The stake is already dead of age."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>How blind is he who, powerless to discern</span> + <br/> + <span>The glories that about his pathway burn,</span> + <br/> + <span>Walks unaware the avenues of Dream,</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam!</span> + <br/> + <span>O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned</span> + <br/> + <span>Thy light lies ever upon sea and land.</span> + <br/> + <span>From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at + will,</span> + <br/> + <span>And sees a Grecian god on every hill!</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, + and in age beseech.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A violet softly sighed,</span> <span class="i2">A + hollyhock shouted above.</span> + <br/> + <span>In the heart of the violet, pride;</span> + <span class="i2">In the heart of the hollyhock, + love.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them + would flatter them less and content them more.</p> + + <p>The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve + slipped back into the Garden. "Thank Heaven! I am again in + Paradise," said Adam.</p> + + <hr style="width: 65%" /> + + <div class="footnotes"> + <p>Footnotes:</p> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_A"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> It + may be noted here that the popular conception of + this poet as a frivolous sensualist is unsustained + by evidence and repudiated by all having knowledge + of the matter. Although love and wine were his + constant themes, there is good ground for the belief + that he wrote of them with greater <i>abandon</i> + than he indulged in them—a not uncommon + practice of the poet-folk, by the way, and one to + which those who sing of deeds of arms are perhaps + especially addicted. The great age which Anacreon + attained points to a temperate life; and he more + than once denounces intoxication with as great zeal + as a modern reformer who has eschewed the flagon for + the trencher. According to Anacreon, drunkenness is + "the vice of barbarians;" though, for the matter of + that, it is difficult to say what achievable vice is + not. In Ode LXII, he sings:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Fill me, boy, as deep a draught</span> + <br/> + <span>As e'er was filled, as e'er was + quaffed;</span> + <br/> + <span>But let the water amply flow</span> + <br/> + <span>To cool the grape's intemperate + glow.</span> + + <hr style="width: 100%; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;" /> + + <span>For though the bowl's the grave of + sadness</span> + <br/> + <span>Ne'er let it be the birth of + madness</span> + <br/> + <span>No! banish from our board to night</span> + <br/> + <span>The revelries of rude delight</span> + <br/> + <span>To Scythians leave these wild + excesses</span> + <br/> + <span>Ours be the joy that soothes and + blesses!</span> + <br/> + <span>And while the temperate bowl we + wreathe</span> + <br/> + <span>In concert let our voices breathe</span> + <br/> + <span>Beguiling every hour along</span> + <br/> + <span>With harmony of soul and song</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Maximus of Tyre speaking of Polycrates the Tyrant + (tyrant, be it remembered, meant only usurper, not + oppressor) considered the happiness of that potentate, + secure because he had a powerful navy and such a friend + as Anacreon—the word navy naturally suggesting + cold water, and cold water, Anacreon.</p> + </div> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_B"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> On + this passage Tyrwhit makes the following judicious + comment: The school of Oxford seems to have been in + much the same estimation for its dancing as that of + Stratford for its French—alluding of course to + what is, said in the Prologue of the French spoken + by the Prioress:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i4">And French she spoke full + fayre and fetisly</span> + <br/> + <span>After the scole of Stratford atte + bowe</span> + <br/> + <span>For French of Paris was to hire + unknowe</span> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_C"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> + <i>I.e.</i> one of the lady's hands.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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