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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15599-0.txt b/15599-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c379abd --- /dev/null +++ b/15599-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8288 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8 + Epigrams, On With the Dance, Negligible Tales + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: April 11, 2005 [eBook #15599] +[Most recently updated: January 30, 2022] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII *** + + + + +[Illustration: Title Page] + + + * * * * * + + + THE COLLECTED + + WORKS OF + + AMBROSE BIERCE + + + + VOLUME VIII + + + + NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + ON WITH THE DANCE + + EPIGRAMS + + + + NEW YORK + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + 1966 + + + * * * * * + + + Originally Published 1911 + + Reprinted 1966 + + + + Published by + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + + +Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638 + + + + Printed in the U.S.A. by + + EDWARD BROTHERS INC. + + Ann Arbor, Michigan + + + * * * * * + + +CONTENTS + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE 9 + JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL 23 + THE WIDOWER TURMORE 41 + THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY 52 + THE MAJOR'S TALE 63 + CURRIED COW 76 + A REVOLT OF THE GODS 89 + THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO 95 + THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER 104 + THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL 110 + PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE 115 + A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION 122 + MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP 131 + THE LITTLE STORY 138 + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + MY FAVORITE MURDER 147 + OIL OF DOG 163 + AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION 171 + THE HYPNOTIST 177 + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST 187 + WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" 195 + CORRUPTING THE PRESS 204 + "THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" 211 + +THE OCEAN WAVE + A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION 219 + THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" 226 + THE MAN OVERBOARD 239 + A CARGO OF CAT 258 + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE 267 + THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD 270 + THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT 276 + A REEF IN THE GABARDINE 282 + ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING 285 + CAIRO REVISITED 296 + JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS 299 + IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE 311 + COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE 316 + THEY ALL DANCE 321 + LUST, QUOTH'A 330 + OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS 332 + +EPIGRAMS 343 + + + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + + + + +A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE + + +My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a patent for an +invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; but he was an honest +man and would not himself engage in the manufacture. He was, therefore, +only moderately wealthy, his royalties from his really valuable +invention bringing him hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation +with rogues guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed +by the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had it not +been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all my brothers and +sisters and personally supervised my education, should have grown up in +ignorance and been compelled to teach school. To be the favorite child +of a good woman is better than gold. + +When I was nineteen years of age my father had the misfortune to die. He +had always had perfect health, and his death, which occurred at the +dinner table without a moment's warning, surprised no one more than +himself. He had that very morning been notified that a patent had been +granted him for a device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure, +without noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most +ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that had ever +been submitted to him, and my father had naturally looked forward to an +old age of prosperity and honor. His sudden death was, therefore, a deep +disappointment to him; but my mother, whose piety and resignation to the +will of Heaven were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently +less affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body had +been removed from the floor, she called us all into an adjoining room +and addressed us as follows: + +"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just witnessed is +one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good man's life, and one in +which I take little pleasure, I assure you. I beg you to believe that I +had no hand in bringing it about. Of course," she added, after a pause, +during which her eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is +better that he is dead." + +She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness as a +self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to brave her surprise +by asking an explanation. My mother's air of surprise when any of us +went wrong in any way was very terrible to us. One day, when in a fit of +peevish temper, I had taken the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her +simple words, "John, you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof +that after a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself +at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising you." So now +we all--including the one-eared baby--felt that it would keep matters +smoother to accept without question the statement that it was better, +somehow, for our dear father to be dead. My mother continued: + +"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and mysterious +death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut the body into pieces +and submit them to a number of men who, having inspected them, pronounce +the person dead. For this the Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish +to avoid that painful formality in this instance; it is one which never +had the approval of--of the remains. John"--here my mother turned her +angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very discreet. You have +now an opportunity to show your gratitude for all the sacrifices that +your education has entailed upon the rest of us. John, go and remove the +Coroner." + +Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's confidence, and by +the chance to distinguish myself by an act that squared with my natural +disposition, I knelt before her, carried her hand to my lips and bathed +it with tears of sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had +removed the Coroner. + +I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I passed a most +uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep because of the profanity of +my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, whose theological training had given +them a fertility of impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language +altogether unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who, +sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, entered the +cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend gentlemen that if he +heard any more swearing their sacred calling would not prevent him from +turning them into the street. After that they moderated their +objectionable conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the +peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence. + +The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, sitting as a +committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary examination. I +pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I had murdered was a +notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a Republican, and from early +childhood I had been carefully instructed by her in the principles of +honest government and the necessity of suppressing factional +opposition.) The Judge, elected by a Republican ballot-box with a +sliding bottom, was visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and +offered me a cigarette. + +"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I do not deem +it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. Under the law of the +land you sit here as a committing magistrate. It is therefore your duty +to commit. Testimony and argument alike would imply a doubt that your +Honor means to perform your sworn duty. That is my case." + +My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and said: "May it +please the Court, my learned friend on the other side has so well and +eloquently stated the law governing in this case that it only remains +for me to inquire to what extent it has been already complied with. It +is true, your Honor is a committing magistrate, and as such it is your +duty to commit--what? That is a matter which the law has wisely and +justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have discharged +already every obligation that the law imposes. Since I have known your +Honor you have done nothing but commit. You have committed embracery, +theft, arson, perjury, adultery, murder--every crime in the calendar and +every excess known to the sensual and depraved, including my learned +friend, the District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a +committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this worthy +young man, my client, I move that he be discharged." + +An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the black cap and +in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to life and liberty. Then +turning to my counsel he said, coldly but significantly: + +"I will see you later." + +The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously defended me +against a charge of murdering his own brother--with whom he had a +quarrel about some land--had disappeared and his fate is to this day +unknown. + +In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly buried at +midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with his late boots on +and the contents of his late stomach unanalyzed. "He was opposed to +display," said my dear mother, as she finished tamping down the earth +above him and assisted the children to litter the place with straw; "his +instincts were all domestic and he loved a quiet life." + +My mother's application for letters of administration stated that she +had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, for he had not +come home to his meals for several days; but the Judge of the Crowbait +Court--as she ever afterward contemptuously called it--decided that the +proof of death was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of +the Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that the +liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was left only the +patent for the device for bursting open safes without noise, by +hydraulic pressure and this had passed into the ownership of the Probate +Judge and the Public Administrator--as my dear mother preferred to +spell it. Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable +family was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to +go to work. + +In the selection of occupations we were governed by a variety of +considerations, such as personal fitness, inclination, and so forth. My +mother opened a select private school for instruction in the art of +changing the spots upon leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George +Henry, who had a turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum +for deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor +Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral springs, and I +set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams for gibbets. The other +children, too young for labor, continued to steal small articles exposed +in front of shops, as they had been taught. + +In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our house and +buried the bodies in a cellar. + +In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and provisions. From +the rapidity of their disappearance we acquired the superstitious belief +that the spirits of the persons buried there came at dead of night and +held a festival. It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we +would discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such débris, +littering the place, although it had been securely locked and barred +against human intrusion. It was proposed to remove the provisions and +store them elsewhere, but our dear mother, always generous and +hospitable, said it was better to endure the loss than risk exposure: if +the ghosts were denied this trifling gratification they might set on +foot an investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division +of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into the single +industry pursued by me--we might all decorate the cross-beams of +gibbets. We accepted her decision with filial submission, due to our +reverence for her wordly wisdom and the purity of her character. + +One night while we were all in the cellar--none dared to enter it +alone--engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of an adjoining town the +solemn offices of Christian burial, my mother and the younger children, +holding a candle each, while George Henry and I labored with a spade and +pick, my sister Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with +her hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's obsequies +were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and in trembling tones +we begged her to say what had alarmed her. The younger children were so +agitated that they held their candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows +of our figures danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls +and flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of the +dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now extinguished by +some floating shadow, appeared at each emergence to have taken on a new +and more forbidding expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more +than ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about the +place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of some distant +corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green light, matching the +faint phosphorescence of decay that filled the half-dug grave and seemed +the visible manifestation of that faint odor of mortality which tainted +the unwholesome air. The children now sobbed and clung about the limbs +of their elders, dropping their candles, and we were near being left in +total darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled +upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the grave +like a fountain. + +Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been thrown out of +the excavation, had removed her hands from her face and was staring with +expanded eyes into an obscure space between two wine casks. + +"There it is!--there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; "God in heaven! +can't you see it?" + +And there indeed it was!--a human figure, dimly discernible in the +gloom--a figure that wavered from side to side as if about to fall, +clutching at the wine-casks for support, had stepped unsteadily forward +and for one moment stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles; +then it surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we +had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our father--dead +these ten months and buried by our own hands!--our father indubitably +risen and ghastly drunk! + +On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that horrible place--on +the extinction of all human sentiment in that tumultuous, mad scramble +up the damp and mouldy stairs--slipping, falling, pulling one another +down and clambering over one another's back--the lights extinguished, +babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong brothers and hurled +backward to death by a mother's arm!--on all this I do not dare to +dwell. My mother, my eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others +remained below, to perish of their wounds, or of their terror--some, +perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we four, hastily gathering +together what money and jewels we had and what clothing we could carry, +fired the dwelling and fled by its light into the hills. We did not even +pause to collect the insurance, and my dear mother said on her +death-bed, years afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin +of omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy man, +assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would pardon the +neglect. + +About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my childhood I, +then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to the spot with a view +to obtaining, if possible, some treasure belonging to us, which had been +buried in the cellar. I may say that I was unsuccessful: the discovery +of many human bones in the ruins had set the authorities digging for +more. They had found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The +house had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a desolation. +So many unearthly sights and sounds had been reported thereabout that +nobody would live there. As there was none to question nor molest, I +resolved to gratify my filial piety by gazing once more upon the face of +my beloved father, if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still +in his grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous +diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since his death, +I had reason to think he might have been buried in it. Procuring a +spade, I soon located the grave in what had been the backyard and began +digging. When I had got down about four feet the whole bottom fell out +of the grave and I was precipitated into a large drain, falling through +a long hole in its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of +one. + +Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the drain, and +having with some difficulty removed a mass of charred rubbish and +blackened masonry that choked it, emerged into what had been that +fateful cellar. + +All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be "taken bad" at +his meal (and I think my sainted mother could have thrown some light +upon that matter) had indubitably been buried alive. The grave having +been accidentally dug above the forgotten drain, and down almost to the +crown of its arch, and no coffin having been used, his struggles on +reviving had broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through, +escaping finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his +own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean seclusion, +a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our providence. It was he who +had eaten our food; it was he who had drunk our wine--he was no better +than a thief! In a moment of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that +need of companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a +drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment at a +strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable consequences +upon those nearest and dearest to him--a blunder that had almost the +dignity of crime. + + + + +JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL + + +_From the Secretary of War to the Hon. Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads, +Posey County, Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861. + +Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President has been +pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of volunteers. Do you accept? + + +_From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861. + +It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one which should be +neither sought nor declined. In times that try men's souls the patriot +knows no North, no South, no East, no West. His motto should be: "My +country, my whole country and nothing but my country." I accept the +great trust confided in me by a free and intelligent people, and with a +firm reliance on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking +the guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall labor so +to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political escutcheon. Say to +his Excellency, the successor of the immortal Washington in the Seat of +Power, that the patronage of my office will be bestowed with an eye +single to securing the greatest good to the greatest number, the +stability of republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all +elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. +I shall at once prepare an appropriate response to the speech of the +chairman of the committee deputed to inform me of my appointment, and I +trust the sentiments therein expressed will strike a sympathetic chord +in the public heart, as well as command the Executive approval. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg, Commanding +the Military Department of Eastern Kentucky._ + +WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861. + +I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, who +will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little Buttermilk River, +and take command of the Illinois Brigade at that point, reporting to you +by letter for orders. Is the route from Covington by way of Bluegrass, +Opossum Corners and Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as +reported in your last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861. + +The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are unfamiliar to me, +but I shall be pleased to have the advantage of his skill. The route +from Covington to Distilleryville _via_ Opossum Corners and Horsecave I +have been compelled to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made +it possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from the +front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by steamboats up the +Little Buttermilk. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan, +Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861. + +I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by mail before +the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we must dispense with the +formality of official notification to you by a committee. The President +is highly gratified by the noble and patriotic sentiments of your +letter, and directs that you proceed at once to your command at +Distilleryville, Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General +Wardorg at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest +secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have passed +Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front of +Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then if your +approach is known it will operate as a demonstration against his right +and cause him to strengthen it with his left now at Memphis, Tennessee, +which it is desirable to capture first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum +Corners and Horsecave. All officers are expected to be in full uniform +when _en route_ to the front. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861. + +I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy to Joel +Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch Republican, who will +worthily represent Posey County in field and forum. He points with pride +to a stainless record in the halls of legislation, which have often +echoed to his soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very +foundation of popular government. He has been called the Patrick Henry +of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in the cause of civil and +religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for Distilleryville last evening, +and the standard bearer of the Democratic host confronting that +stronghold of freedom will find him a lion in his path. I have been +asked to remain here and deliver some addresses to the people in a local +contest involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being +performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate and move in +the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my ships behind me. I +forward by this mail to his Excellency the President a request for the +appointment of my son, Jabez Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I +would take it, sir, as a great favor if you would give the application a +strong oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. Be +kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the office I hold in +the military arm, and if they are by salary or fees. Are there any +perquisites? My mileage account will be transmitted monthly. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, 1862. + +I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the recent storms +having inundated the landscape, covering, I understand, the greater part +of a congressional district. I am pained to find that Joel Briller, +Esq., a prominent citizen of Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing +statesman who held my proxy, and who a month ago should have been +thundering at the gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has +doubtless been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the +American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully move +that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of respect to his +memory, and that the office holders and men under your command wear the +usual badge of mourning for thirty days. I shall at once place myself at +the head of affairs here, and am now ready to entertain any suggestions +which you may make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in +this commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the river +appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have two large cannons +facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am told, some of them came +down to the water's edge and remained in session for some time, making +infamous allegations. + + +_From the Diary of Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville, +Kentucky._ + +January 12, 1862.--On my arrival yesterday at the Henry Clay Hotel +(named in honor of the late far-seeing statesman) I was waited on by a +delegation consisting of the three colonels intrusted with the command +of the regiments of my brigade. It was an occasion that will be +memorable in the political annals of America. Forwarded copies of the +speeches to the Posey _Maverick_, to be spread upon the record of the +ages. The gentlemen composing the delegation unanimously reaffirmed +their devotion to the principles of national unity and the Republican +party. Was gratified to recognize in them men of political prominence +and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequent banquet, sentiments of +lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote to Mr. Wardorg at Louisville for +instructions. + +January 13, 1862.--Leased a prominent residence (the former incumbent +being absent in arms against his country) for the term of one year, and +wrote at once for Mrs. Brigadier-General Doke and the vital +issues--excepting Jabez Leonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here +there are supposed to be three thousand misguided men laying the ax at +the root of the tree of liberty. They have a clear majority, many of our +men having returned without leave to their constituents. We could +probably not poll more than two thousand votes. Have advised my heads of +regiments to make a canvass of those remaining, all bolters to be read +out of the phalanx. + +January 14, 1862.--Wrote to the President, asking for the contract to +supply this command with firearms and regalia through my brother-in-law, +prominently identified with the manufacturing interests of the country. +Club of cannon soldiers arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, +on their way to join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to +Jayhawk to escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for +the opposing party, opened fire on the head of the procession and by the +extraordinary noise of the cannon balls (I had no conception of it!) so +frightened my horse that I was unseated without a contest. The meeting +adjourned in disorder and returning to camp I found that a deputation of +the enemy had crossed the river in our absence and made a division of +the loaves and fishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the +Gubernatorial Chair of the Territory of Idaho. + + +_From Editorial Article in the Posey, Illinois, "Maverick," January 20, +1862._ + +Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another column, of the +Battle of Distilleryville will make the heart of every loyal Illinoisian +leap with exultation. The brilliant exploit marks an era in military +history, and as General Doke says, "lays broad and deep the foundations +of American prowess in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except the +gallant author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, he +justly considered that a list of the fallen would only occupy our +valuable space to the exclusion of more important matter, but his +account of the strategic ruse by which he apparently abandoned his camp +and so inveigled a perfidious enemy into it for the purpose of murdering +the sick, the unfortunate _countertempus_ at Jayhawk, the subsequent +dash upon a trapped enemy flushed with a supposed success, driving their +terrified legions across an impassable river which precluded +pursuit--all these "moving accidents by flood and field" are related +with a pen of fire and have all the terrible interest of romance. + +Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is mightier than the +sword. When by the graphic power of the art preservative of all arts we +are brought face to face with such glorious events as these, the +_Maverick's_ enterprise in securing for its thousands of readers the +services of so distinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made +the history as well as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary +importance. For President in 1864 (subject to the decision of the +Republican National Convention) Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, of +Illinois! + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 22, 1862. + +Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville was delayed +in transmission, having only just been received (open) through the +courtesy of the Confederate department commander under a flag of truce. +He begs me to assure you that he would consider it an act of cruelty to +trouble you, and I think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening +attitude, but at the least pressure retire. Your position is simply an +outpost which it is not intended to hold. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 23, 1862. + +I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated twenty +thousand troops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. According to your +assignment, General Doke is in command of the small brigade of raw +troops opposing them. It is no part of my plan to contest the enemy's +advance at that point, but I cannot hold myself responsible for any +reverses to the brigade mentioned, under its present commander. I think +him a fool. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +WASHINGTON, February 1, 1862. + +The President has great faith in General Doke. If your estimate of him +is correct, however, he would seem to be singularly well placed where he +now is, as your plans appear to contemplate a considerable sacrifice for +whatever advantages you expect to gain. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, February 1, 1862. + +To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order to point +the way whenever my brigade retires from Distilleryville, as +foreshadowed by your letter of the 22d ult. I have appointed a Committee +on Retreat, the minutes of whose first meeting I transmit to you. You +will perceive that the committee having been duly organized by the +election of a chairman and secretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) +was adopted, to the effect that in case treason again raises her hideous +head on this side of the river every man of the brigade is to mount a +mule, the procession to move promptly in the direction of Louisville and +the loyal North. In preparation for such an emergency I have for some +time been collecting mules from the resident Democracy, and have on hand +2300 in a field at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty! + + +_From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUNG STATION, KENTUCKY, February 4, 1862. + +On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting of 25,000 men +and thirty-two field pieces, under command of Major-General Simmons B. +Flood, crossed by a ford to the north side of Little Buttermilk River at +a point three miles above Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and +away from the stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the +object being, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati and +occupy the Ohio Valley. For some months there had been in our front only +a small brigade of undisciplined troops, apparently without a commander, +who were useful to us, for by not disturbing them we could create an +impression of our weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated +them, I was about to detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my +division being the leading one, when an earth-shaking rumble was felt +and heard, and suddenly the head-of-column was struck by one of the +terrible tornadoes for which this region is famous, and utterly +annihilated. The tornado, I believe, passed along the entire length of +the road back to the ford, dispersing or destroying our entire army; but +of this I cannot be sure, for I was lifted from the earth insensible and +blown back to the south side of the river. Continuous firing all night +on the north side and the reports of such of our men as have recrossed +at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigade has exterminated the +disabled survivors. Our loss has been uncommonly heavy. Of my own +division of 15,000 infantry, the casualties--killed, wounded, captured, +and missing--are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow's division, 11,200 +strong, I can find but two officers and a nigger cook. Of the artillery, +800 men, none has reported on this side of the river. General Flood is +dead. I have assumed command of the expeditionary force, but owing to +the heavy losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line of +supplies as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow +morning early. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet but partly +accomplished. + + +_From Major-General Dolliver Billows, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUHAC, KENTUCKY, February 5, 1862. + +... But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been reinforced by fifty +thousand cavalry, and being apprised of our movement by a spy, this vast +body was drawn up in the darkness at Jayhawk, and as the head of our +column reached that point at about 11 P.M., fell upon it with +astonishing fury, destroying the division of General Buxter in an +instant. General Baumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the +rear, may have escaped--I did not wait to see, but withdrew my division +to the river at a point several miles above the ford, and at daylight +ferried it across on two fence rails lashed together with a suspender. +Its losses, from an effective strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General +Buxter is dead. I am changing my base to Mobile, Alabama. + + +_From Brigadier-General Schneddeker Baumschank, C.S.A., to the +Confederate Secretary of War._ + +IODINE, KENTUCKY, February 6, 1862. + +... Yoost den somdings occur, I know nod vot it vos--somdings +mackneefcent, but it vas nod vor--und I finds meinselluf, afder leedle +viles, in dis blace, midout a hors und mit no men und goons. Sheneral +Peelows is deadt, You will blease be so goot as to resign me--I vights +no more in a dam gontry vere I gets vipped und knows nod how it vos +done. + + +_Resolutions of Congress_, February 15, 1862. + +_Resolved_, That the thanks of Congress are due, and hereby tendered, to +Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the gallant men under his command for +their unparalleled feat of attacking--themselves only 2000 strong--an +army of 25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making +prisoners of 19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, taking 32 +guns, 20,000 stand of small arms and, in short, the enemy's entire +equipment. + +_Resolved_, That for this unexampled victory the President be requested +to designate a day of thanksgiving and public celebration of religious +rites in the various churches. + +_Resolved_, That he be requested, in further commemoration of the great +event, and in reward of the gallant spirits whose deeds have added such +imperishable lustre to the American arms, to appoint, with the advice +and consent of the Senate, the following officer: + +One major-general. + + +_Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton, of Jayhawk, Kentucky._ + +Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes aint wuf +shuks, but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I cotch de mummer o' +v'ices I knowed dat gang b'long on de far side o' de ribber. So I jes' +runs in de house an' wakes Marse Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' +yo' life!" An' de Lo'd bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right fru de +winder in his shir' tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem +twenty-free hunerd mules dey jes' t'nk it is de debble hese'f wid de +brandin' iron, an' dey bu'st outen dat patch like a yarthquake, an' pile +inter de upper ford road, an' flash down it five deep, an' it full o' +Con-fed'rates from en' to en'!... + + + + +THE WIDOWER TURMORE + + +The circumstances under which Joram Turmore became a widower have never +been popularly understood. I know them, naturally, for I am Joram +Turmore; and my wife, the late Elizabeth Mary Turmore, is by no means +ignorant of them; but although she doubtless relates them, yet they +remain a secret, for not a soul has ever believed her. + +When I married Elizabeth Mary Johnin she was very wealthy, otherwise I +could hardly have afforded to marry, for I had not a cent, and Heaven +had not put into my heart any intention to earn one. I held the +Professorship of Cats in the University of Graymaulkin, and scholastic +pursuits had unfitted me for the heat and burden of business or labor. +Moreover, I could not forget that I was a Turmore--a member of a family +whose motto from the time of William of Normandy has been _Laborare est +errare_. The only known infraction of the sacred family tradition +occurred when Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore, an illustrious +master burglar of the seventeenth century, personally assisted at a +difficult operation undertaken by some of his workmen. That blot upon +our escutcheon cannot be contemplated without the most poignant +mortification. + +My incumbency of the Chair of Cats in the Graymaulkin University had +not, of course, been marked by any instance of mean industry. There had +never, at any one time, been more than two students of the Noble +Science, and by merely repeating the manuscript lectures of my +predecessor, which I had found among his effects (he died at sea on his +way to Malta) I could sufficiently sate their famine for knowledge +without really earning even the distinction which served in place of +salary. + +Naturally, under the straitened circumstances, I regarded Elizabeth Mary +as a kind of special Providence. She unwisely refused to share her +fortune with me, but for that I cared nothing; for, although by the laws +of that country (as is well known) a wife has control of her separate +property during her life, it passes to the husband at her death; nor can +she dispose of it otherwise by will. The mortality among wives is +considerable, but not excessive. + +Having married Elizabeth Mary and, as it were, ennobled her by making +her a Turmore, I felt that the manner of her death ought, in some sense, +to match her social distinction. If I should remove her by any of the +ordinary marital methods I should incur a just reproach, as one +destitute of a proper family pride. Yet I could not hit upon a suitable +plan. + +In this emergency I decided to consult the Turmore archives, a priceless +collection of documents, comprising the records of the family from the +time of its founder in the seventh century of our era. I knew that among +these sacred muniments I should find detailed accounts of all the +principal murders committed by my sainted ancestors for forty +generations. From that mass of papers I could hardly fail to derive the +most valuable suggestions. + +The collection contained also most interesting relics. There were +patents of nobility granted to my forefathers for daring and ingenious +removals of pretenders to thrones, or occupants of them; stars, crosses +and other decorations attesting services of the most secret and +unmentionable character; miscellaneous gifts from the world's greatest +conspirators, representing an intrinsic money value beyond computation. +There were robes, jewels, swords of honor, and every kind of +"testimonials of esteem"; a king's skull fashioned into a wine cup; the +title deeds to vast estates, long alienated by confiscation, sale, or +abandonment; an illuminated breviary that had belonged to Sir Aldebaran +Turmore de Peters-Turmore of accursed memory; embalmed ears of several +of the family's most renowned enemies; the small intestine of a certain +unworthy Italian statesman inimical to Turmores, which, twisted into a +jumping rope, had served the youth of six kindred generations--mementoes +and souvenirs precious beyond the appraisals of imagination, but by the +sacred mandates of tradition and sentiment forever inalienable by sale +or gift. + +As the head of the family, I was custodian of all these priceless +heirlooms, and for their safe keeping had constructed in the basement of +my dwelling a strong-room of massive masonry, whose solid stone walls +and single iron door could defy alike the earthquake's shock, the +tireless assaults of Time, and Cupidity's unholy hand. + +To this thesaurus of the soul, redolent of sentiment and tenderness, and +rich in suggestions of crime, I now repaired for hints upon +assassination. To my unspeakable astonishment and grief I found it +empty! Every shelf, every chest, every coffer had been rifled. Of that +unique and incomparable collection not a vestige remained! Yet I proved +that until I had myself unlocked the massive metal door, not a bolt nor +bar had been disturbed; the seals upon the lock had been intact. + +I passed the night in alternate lamentation and research, equally +fruitless, the mystery was impenetrable to conjecture, the pain +invincible to balm. But never once throughout that dreadful night did my +firm spirit relinquish its high design against Elizabeth Mary, and +daybreak found me more resolute than before to harvest the fruits of my +marriage. My great loss seemed but to bring me into nearer spiritual +relations with my dead ancestors, and to lay upon me a new and more +inevitable obedience to the suasion that spoke in every globule of my +blood. + +My plan of action was soon formed, and procuring a stout cord I entered +my wife's bedroom finding her, as I expected, in a sound sleep. Before +she was awake, I had her bound fast, hand and foot. She was greatly +surprised and pained, but heedless of her remonstrances, delivered in a +high key, I carried her into the now rifled strong-room, which I had +never suffered her to enter, and of whose treasures I had not apprised +her. Seating her, still bound, in an angle of the wall, I passed the +next two days and nights in conveying bricks and mortar to the spot, and +on the morning of the third day had her securely walled in, from floor +to ceiling. All this time I gave no further heed to her pleas for mercy +than (on her assurance of non-resistance, which I am bound to say she +honorably observed) to grant her the freedom of her limbs. The space +allowed her was about four feet by six. As I inserted the last bricks of +the top course, in contact with the ceiling of the strong-room, she bade +me farewell with what I deemed the composure of despair, and I rested +from my work, feeling that I had faithfully observed the traditions of +an ancient and illustrious family. My only bitter reflection, so far as +my own conduct was concerned, came of the consciousness that in the +performance of my design I had labored; but this no living soul would +ever know. + +After a night's rest I went to the Judge of the Court of Successions and +Inheritances and made a true and sworn relation of all that I had +done--except that I ascribed to a servant the manual labor of building +the wall. His honor appointed a court commissioner, who made a careful +examination of the work, and upon his report Elizabeth Mary Turmore +was, at the end of a week, formally pronounced dead. By due process of +law I was put into possession of her estate, and although this was not +by hundreds of thousands of dollars as valuable as my lost treasures, it +raised me from poverty to affluence and brought me the respect of the +great and good. + +Some six months after these events strange rumors reached me that the +ghost of my deceased wife had been seen in several places about the +country, but always at a considerable distance from Graymaulkin. These +rumors, which I was unable to trace to any authentic source, differed +widely in many particulars, but were alike in ascribing to the +apparition a certain high degree of apparent worldly prosperity combined +with an audacity most uncommon in ghosts. Not only was the spirit +attired in most costly raiment, but it walked at noonday, and even +drove! I was inexpressibly annoyed by these reports, and thinking there +might be something more than superstition in the popular belief that +only the spirits of the unburied dead still walk the earth, I took some +workmen equipped with picks and crowbars into the now long unentered +strong-room, and ordered them to demolish the brick wall that I had +built about the partner of my joys. I was resolved to give the body of +Elizabeth Mary such burial as I thought her immortal part might be +willing to accept as an equivalent to the privilege of ranging at will +among the haunts of the living. + +In a few minutes we had broken down the wall and, thrusting a lamp +through the breach, I looked in. Nothing! Not a bone, not a lock of +hair, not a shred of clothing--the narrow space which, upon my +affidavit, had been legally declared to hold all that was mortal of the +late Mrs. Turmore was absolutely empty! This amazing disclosure, coming +upon a mind already overwrought with too much of mystery and excitement, +was more than I could bear. I shrieked aloud and fell in a fit. For +months afterward I lay between life and death, fevered and delirious; +nor did I recover until my physician had had the providence to take a +case of valuable jewels from my safe and leave the country. + +The next summer I had occasion to visit my wine cellar, in one corner of +which I had built the now long disused strong-room. In moving a cask of +Madeira I struck it with considerable force against the partition wall, +and was surprised to observe that it displaced two large square stones +forming a part of the wall. + +Applying my hands to these, I easily pushed them out entirely, and +looking through saw that they had fallen into the niche in which I had +immured my lamented wife; facing the opening which their fall left, and +at a distance of four feet, was the brickwork which my own hands had +made for that unfortunate gentlewoman's restraint. At this significant +revelation I began a search of the wine cellar. Behind a row of casks I +found four historically interesting but intrinsically valueless objects: + +First, the mildewed remains of a ducal robe of state (Florentine) of the +eleventh century; second, an illuminated vellum breviary with the name +of Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore inscribed in colors on the +title page; third, a human skull fashioned into a drinking cup and +deeply stained with wine; fourth, the iron cross of a Knight Commander +of the Imperial Austrian Order of Assassins by Poison. + +That was all--not an object having commercial value, no papers--nothing. +But this was enough to clear up the mystery of the strong-room. My wife +had early divined the existence and purpose of that apartment, and with +the skill amounting to genius had effected an entrance by loosening the +two stones in the wall. + +Through that opening she had at several times abstracted the entire +collection, which doubtless she had succeeded in converting into coin of +the realm. When with an unconscious justice which deprives me of all +satisfaction in the memory I decided to build her into the wall, by some +malign fatality I selected that part of it in which were these movable +stones, and doubtless before I had fairly finished my bricklaying she +had removed them and, slipping through into the wine cellar, replaced +them as they were originally laid. From the cellar she had easily +escaped unobserved, to enjoy her infamous gains in distant parts. I have +endeavored to procure a warrant, but the Lord High Baron of the Court of +Indictment and Conviction reminds me that she is legally dead, and says +my only course is to go before the Master in Cadavery and move for a +writ of disinterment and constructive revival. So it looks as if I must +suffer without redress this great wrong at the hands of a woman devoid +alike of principle and shame. + + + + +THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY + + +I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was twenty-three +years old never knew the possibilities of happiness latent in another +person's coin. At that time Providence threw me into a deep sleep and +revealed to me in a dream the folly of labor. "Behold," said a vision of +a holy hermit, "the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the +teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet of straw +and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The flowers nod their +heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The lark greets you with a +burst of song. The early sun sheds his temperate beams upon you, and +from the dewy grass you inhale an atmosphere cool and grateful to your +lungs. All nature seems to salute you with the joy of a generous servant +welcoming a faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood +and your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the plow, +hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the morn, maturing +the charms of the landscape and confirming its benediction upon your +spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue invokes repose, and seating +yourself upon the earth at the end of your furrow you expect to enjoy in +fulness the delights of which you did but taste. + +"Alas! the sun has climbed into a brazen sky and his beams are become a +torrent. The flowers have closed their petals, confining their perfume +and denying their colors to the eye. Coolness no longer exhales from the +grass: the dew has vanished and the dry surface of the fields repeats +the fierce heat of the sky. No longer the birds of heaven salute you +with melody, but the jay harshly upbraids you from the edge of the +copse. Unhappy man! all the gentle and healing ministrations of nature +are denied you in punishment of your sin. You have broken the First +Commandment of the Natural Decalogue: you have labored!" + +Awakening from my dream, I collected my few belongings, bade adieu to my +erring parents and departed out of that land, pausing at the grave of my +grandfather, who had been a priest, to take an oath that never again, +Heaven helping me, would I earn an honest penny. + +How long I traveled I know not, but I came at last to a great city by +the sea, where I set up as a physician. The name of that place I do not +now remember, for such were my activity and renown in my new profession +that the Aldermen, moved by pressure of public opinion, altered it, and +thenceforth the place was known as the City of the Gone Away. It is +needless to say that I had no knowledge of medicine, but by securing the +service of an eminent forger I obtained a diploma purporting to have +been granted by the Royal Quackery of Charlatanic Empiricism at Hoodos, +which, framed in immortelles and suspended by a bit of _crêpe_ to a +willow in front of my office, attracted the ailing in great numbers. In +connection with my dispensary I conducted one of the largest undertaking +establishments ever known, and as soon as my means permitted, purchased +a wide tract of land and made it into a cemetery. I owned also some very +profitable marble works on one side of the gateway to the cemetery, and +on the other an extensive flower garden. My Mourner's Emporium was +patronized by the beauty, fashion and sorrow of the city. In short, I +was in a very prosperous way of business, and within a year was able to +send for my parents and establish my old father very comfortably as a +receiver of stolen goods--an act which I confess was saved from the +reproach of filial gratitude only by my exaction of all the profits. + +But the vicissitudes of fortune are avoidable only by practice of the +sternest indigence: human foresight cannot provide against the envy of +the gods and the tireless machinations of Fate. The widening circle of +prosperity grows weaker as it spreads until the antagonistic forces +which it has pushed back are made powerful by compression to resist and +finally overwhelm. So great grew the renown of my skill in medicine that +patients were brought to me from all the four quarters of the globe. +Burdensome invalids whose tardiness in dying was a perpetual grief to +their friends; wealthy testators whose legatees were desirous to come by +their own; superfluous children of penitent parents and dependent +parents of frugal children; wives of husbands ambitious to remarry and +husbands of wives without standing in the courts of divorce--these and +all conceivable classes of the surplus population were conducted to my +dispensary in the City of the Gone Away. They came in incalculable +multitudes. + +Government agents brought me caravans of orphans, paupers, lunatics and +all who had become a public charge. My skill in curing orphanism and +pauperism was particularly acknowledged by a grateful parliament. + +Naturally, all this promoted the public prosperity, for although I got +the greater part of the money that strangers expended in the city, the +rest went into the channels of trade, and I was myself a liberal +investor, purchaser and employer, and a patron of the arts and sciences. +The City of the Gone Away grew so rapidly that in a few years it had +inclosed my cemetery, despite its own constant growth. In that fact lay +the lion that rent me. + +The Aldermen declared my cemetery a public evil and decided to take it +from me, remove the bodies to another place and make a park of it. I was +to be paid for it and could easily bribe the appraisers to fix a high +price, but for a reason which will appear the decision gave me little +joy. It was in vain that I protested against the sacrilege of disturbing +the holy dead, although this was a powerful appeal, for in that land the +dead are held in religious veneration. Temples are built in their honor +and a separate priesthood maintained at the public expense, whose only +duty is performance of memorial services of the most solemn and touching +kind. On four days in the year there is a Festival of the Good, as it is +called, when all the people lay by their work or business and, headed by +the priests, march in procession through the cemeteries, adorning the +graves and praying in the temples. However bad a man's life may be, it +is believed that when dead he enters into a state of eternal and +inexpressible happiness. To signify a doubt of this is an offense +punishable by death. To deny burial to the dead, or to exhume a buried +body, except under sanction of law by special dispensation and with +solemn ceremony, is a crime having no stated penalty because no one has +ever had the hardihood to commit it. + +All these considerations were in my favor, yet so well assured were the +people and their civic officers that my cemetery was injurious to the +public health that it was condemned and appraised, and with terror in my +heart I received three times its value and began to settle up my affairs +with all speed. + +A week later was the day appointed for the formal inauguration of the +ceremony of removing the bodies. The day was fine and the entire +population of the city and surrounding country was present at the +imposing religious rites. These were directed by the mortuary priesthood +in full canonicals. There was propitiatory sacrifice in the Temples of +the Once, followed by a processional pageant of great splendor, ending +at the cemetery. The Great Mayor in his robe of state led the +procession. He was armed with a golden spade and followed by one hundred +male and female singers, clad all in white and chanting the Hymn to the +Gone Away. Behind these came the minor priesthood of the temples, all +the civic authorities, habited in their official apparel, each carrying +a living pig as an offering to the gods of the dead. Of the many +divisions of the line, the last was formed by the populace, with +uncovered heads, sifting dust into their hair in token of humility. In +front of the mortuary chapel in the midst of the necropolis, the Supreme +Priest stood in gorgeous vestments, supported on each hand by a line of +bishops and other high dignitaries of his prelacy, all frowning with the +utmost austerity. As the Great Mayor paused in the Presence, the minor +clergy, the civic authorities, the choir and populace closed in and +encompassed the spot. The Great Mayor, laying his golden spade at the +feet of the Supreme Priest, knelt in silence. + +"Why comest thou here, presumptuous mortal?" said the Supreme Priest in +clear, deliberate tones. "Is it thy unhallowed purpose with this +implement to uncover the mysteries of death and break the repose of the +Good?" + +The Great Mayor, still kneeling, drew from his robe a document with +portentous seals: "Behold, O ineffable, thy servant, having warrant of +his people, entreateth at thy holy hands the custody of the Good, to the +end and purpose that they lie in fitter earth, by consecration duly +prepared against their coming." + +With that he placed in the sacerdotal hands the order of the Council of +Aldermen decreeing the removal. Merely touching the parchment, the +Supreme Priest passed it to the Head Necropolitan at his side, and +raising his hands relaxed the severity of his countenance and exclaimed: +"The gods comply." + +Down the line of prelates on either side, his gesture, look and words +were successively repeated. The Great Mayor rose to his feet, the choir +began a solemn chant and, opportunely, a funeral car drawn by ten white +horses with black plumes rolled in at the gate and made its way through +the parting crowd to the grave selected for the occasion--that of a high +official whom I had treated for chronic incumbency. The Great Mayor +touched the grave with his golden spade (which he then presented to the +Supreme Priest) and two stalwart diggers with iron ones set vigorously +to work. + +At that moment I was observed to leave the cemetery and the country; for +a report of the rest of the proceedings I am indebted to my sainted +father, who related it in a letter to me, written in jail the night +before he had the irreparable misfortune to take the kink out of a rope. + +As the workmen proceeded with their excavation, four bishops stationed +themselves at the corners of the grave and in the profound silence of +the multitude, broken otherwise only by the harsh grinding sound of +spades, repeated continuously, one after another, the solemn invocations +and responses from the Ritual of the Disturbed, imploring the blessed +brother to forgive. But the blessed brother was not there. Full fathom +two they mined for him in vain, then gave it up. The priests were +visibly disconcerted, the populace was aghast, for that grave was +indubitably vacant. + +After a brief consultation with the Supreme Priest, the Great Mayor +ordered the workmen to open another grave. The ritual was omitted this +time until the coffin should be uncovered. There was no coffin, no body. + + +The cemetery was now a scene of the wildest confusion and dismay. The +people shouted and ran hither and thither, gesticulating, clamoring, all +talking at once, none listening. Some ran for spades, fire-shovels, +hoes, sticks, anything. Some brought carpenters' adzes, even chisels +from the marble works, and with these inadequate aids set to work upon +the first graves they came to. Others fell upon the mounds with their +bare hands, scraping away the earth as eagerly as dogs digging for +marmots. Before nightfall the surface of the greater part of the +cemetery had been upturned; every grave had been explored to the bottom +and thousands of men were tearing away at the interspaces with as +furious a frenzy as exhaustion would permit. As night came on torches +were lighted, and in the sinister glare these frantic mortals, looking +like a legion of fiends performing some unholy rite, pursued their +disappointing work until they had devastated the entire area. But not a +body did they find--not even a coffin. + +The explanation is exceedingly simple. An important part of my income +had been derived from the sale of _cadavres_ to medical colleges, which +never before had been so well supplied, and which, in added recognition +of my services to science, had all bestowed upon me diplomas, degrees +and fellowships without number. But their demand for _cadavres_ was +unequal to my supply: by even the most prodigal extravagances they could +not consume the one-half of the products of my skill as a physician. As +to the rest, I had owned and operated the most extensive and thoroughly +appointed soapworks in all the country. The excellence of my "Toilet +Homoline" was attested by certificates from scores of the saintliest +theologians, and I had one in autograph from Badelina Fatti the most +famous living soaprano. + + + + +THE MAJOR'S TALE + + +In the days of the Civil War practical joking had not, I think, fallen +into that disrepute which characterizes it now. That, doubtless, was +owing to our extreme youth--men were much younger than now, and evermore +your very young man has a boisterous spirit, running easily to +horse-play. You cannot think how young the men were in the early +sixties! Why, the average age of the entire Federal Army was not more +than twenty-five; I doubt if it was more than twenty-three, but not +having the statistics on that point (if there are any) I want to be +moderate: we will say twenty-five. It is true a man of twenty-five was +in that heroic time a good deal more of a man than one of that age is +now; you could see that by looking at him. His face had nothing of that +unripeness so conspicuous in his successor. I never see a young fellow +now without observing how disagreeably young he really is; but during the +war we did not think of a man's age at all unless he happened to be +pretty well along in life. In that case one could not help it, for the +unloveliness of age assailed the human countenance then much earlier +than now; the result, I suppose, of hard service--perhaps, to some +extent, of hard drink, for, bless my soul! we did shed the blood of the +grape and the grain abundantly during the war. I remember thinking +General Grant, who could not have been more than forty, a pretty well +preserved old chap, considering his habits. As to men of middle age--say +from fifty to sixty--why, they all looked fit to personate the Last of +the Hittites, or the Madagascarene Methuselah, in a museum. Depend upon +it, my friends, men of that time were greatly younger than men are +to-day, but looked much older. The change is quite remarkable. + +I said that practical joking had not then gone out of fashion. It had +not, at least, in the army; though possibly in the more serious life of +the civilian it had no place except in the form of tarring and +feathering an occasional "copperhead." You all know, I suppose, what a +"copperhead" was, so I will go directly at my story without introductory +remark, as is my way. + +It was a few days before the battle of Nashville. The enemy had driven +us up out of northern Georgia and Alabama. At Nashville we had turned at +bay and fortified, while old Pap Thomas, our commander, hurried down +reinforcements and supplies from Louisville. Meantime Hood, the +Confederate commander, had partly invested us and lay close enough to +have tossed shells into the heart of the town. As a rule he +abstained--he was afraid of killing the families of his own soldiers, I +suppose, a great many of whom had lived there. I sometimes wondered what +were the feelings of those fellows, gazing over our heads at their own +dwellings, where their wives and children or their aged parents were +perhaps suffering for the necessaries of life, and certainly (so their +reasoning would run) cowering under the tyranny and power of the +barbarous Yankees. + +To begin, then, at the beginning, I was serving at that time on the +staff of a division commander whose name I shall not disclose, for I am +relating facts, and the person upon whom they bear hardest may have +surviving relatives who would not care to have him traced. Our +headquarters were in a large dwelling which stood just behind our line +of works. This had been hastily abandoned by the civilian occupants, who +had left everything pretty much as it was--had no place to store it, +probably, and trusted that Heaven would preserve it from Federal +cupidity and Confederate artillery. With regard to the latter we were as +solicitous as they. + +Rummaging about in some of the chambers and closets one evening, some of +us found an abundant supply of lady-gear--gowns, shawls, bonnets, hats, +petticoats and the Lord knows what; I could not at that time have named +the half of it. The sight of all this pretty plunder inspired one of us +with what he was pleased to call an "idea," which, when submitted to the +other scamps and scapegraces of the staff, met with instant and +enthusiastic approval. We proceeded at once to act upon it for the +undoing of one of our comrades. + +Our selected victim was an aide, Lieutenant Haberton, so to call him. He +was a good soldier--as gallant a chap as ever wore spurs; but he had an +intolerable weakness: he was a lady-killer, and like most of his class, +even in those days, eager that all should know it. He never tired of +relating his amatory exploits, and I need not say how dismal that kind +of narrative is to all but the narrator. It would be dismal even if +sprightly and vivacious, for all men are rivals in woman's favor, and to +relate your successes to another man is to rouse in him a dumb +resentment, tempered by disbelief. You will not convince him that you +tell the tale for his entertainment; he will hear nothing in it but an +expression of your own vanity. Moreover, as most men, whether rakes or +not, are willing to be thought rakes, he is very likely to resent a +stupid and unjust inference which he suspects you to have drawn from his +reticence in the matter of his own adventures--namely, that he has had +none. If, on the other hand, he has had no scruple in the matter and his +reticence is due to lack of opportunity to talk, or of nimbleness in +taking advantage of it, why, then he will be surly because you "have the +floor" when he wants it himself. There are, in short, no circumstances +under which a man, even from the best of motives, or no motive at all, +can relate his feats of love without distinctly lowering himself in the +esteem of his male auditor; and herein lies a just punishment for such +as kiss and tell. In my younger days I was myself not entirely out of +favor with the ladies, and have a memory stored with much concerning +them which doubtless I might put into acceptable narrative had I not +undertaken another tale, and if it were not my practice to relate one +thing at a time, going straight away to the end, without digression. + +Lieutenant Haberton was, it must be confessed, a singularly handsome man +with engaging manners. He was, I suppose, judging from the imperfect +view-point of my sex, what women call "fascinating." Now, the qualities +which make a man attractive to ladies entail a double disadvantage. +First, they are of a sort readily discerned by other men, and by none +more readily than by those who lack them. Their possessor, being feared +by all these, is habitually slandered by them in self-defense. To all +the ladies in whose welfare they deem themselves entitled to a voice and +interest they hint at the vices and general unworth of the "ladies' man" +in no uncertain terms, and to their wives relate without shame the most +monstrous falsehoods about him. Nor are they restrained by the +consideration that he is their friend; the qualities which have engaged +their own admiration make it necessary to warn away those to whom the +allurement would be a peril. So the man of charming personality, while +loved by all the ladies who know him well, yet not too well, must endure +with such fortitude as he may the consciousness that those others who +know him only "by reputation" consider him a shameless reprobate, a +vicious and unworthy man--a type and example of moral depravity. To name +the second disadvantage entailed by his charms: he commonly is. + +In order to get forward with our busy story (and in my judgment a story +once begun should not suffer impedition) it is necessary to explain that +a young fellow attached to our headquarters as an orderly was notably +effeminate in face and figure. He was not more than seventeen and had a +perfectly smooth face and large lustrous eyes, which must have been the +envy of many a beautiful woman in those days. And how beautiful the +women of those days were! and how gracious! Those of the South showed in +their demeanor toward us Yankees something of _hauteur_, but, for my +part, I found it less insupportable than the studious indifference with +which one's attentions are received by the ladies of this new +generation, whom I certainly think destitute of sentiment and +sensibility. + +This young orderly, whose name was Arman, we persuaded--by what +arguments I am not bound to say--to clothe himself in female attire and +personate a lady. When we had him arrayed to our satisfaction--and a +charming girl he looked--he was conducted to a sofa in the office of the +adjutant-general. That officer was in the secret, as indeed were all +excepting Haberton and the general; within the awful dignity hedging the +latter lay possibilities of disapproval which we were unwilling to +confront. + +When all was ready I went to Haberton and said: "Lieutenant, there is a +young woman in the adjutant-general's office. She is the daughter of the +insurgent gentleman who owns this house, and has, I think, called to see +about its present occupancy. We none of us know just how to talk to her, +but we think perhaps you would say about the right thing--at least you +will say things in the right way. Would you mind coming down?" + +The lieutenant would not mind; he made a hasty toilet and joined me. As +we were going along a passage toward the Presence we encountered a +formidable obstacle--the general. + +"I say, Broadwood," he said, addressing me in the familiar manner which +meant that he was in excellent humor, "there's a lady in Lawson's +office. Looks like a devilish fine girl--came on some errand of mercy or +justice, no doubt. Have the goodness to conduct her to my quarters. I +won't saddle you youngsters with _all_ the business of this division," +he added facetiously. + +This was awkward; something had to be done. + +"General," I said, "I did not think the lady's business of sufficient +importance to bother you with it. She is one of the Sanitary +Commission's nurses, and merely wants to see about some supplies for the +smallpox hospital where she is on duty. I'll send her in at once." + +"You need not mind," said the general, moving on; "I dare say Lawson +will attend to the matter." + +Ah, the gallant general! how little I thought, as I looked after his +retreating figure and laughed at the success of my ruse, that within the +week he would be "dead on the field of honor!" Nor was he the only one +of our little military household above whom gloomed the shadow of the +death angel, and who might almost have heard "the beating of his wings." +On that bleak December morning a few days later, when from an hour +before dawn until ten o'clock we sat on horseback on those icy hills, +waiting for General Smith to open the battle miles away to the right, +there were eight of us. At the close of the fighting there were three. +There is now one. Bear with him yet a little while, oh, thrifty +generation; he is but one of the horrors of war strayed from his era +into yours. He is only the harmless skeleton at your feast and +peace-dance, responding to your laughter and your footing it featly, +with rattling fingers and bobbing skull--albeit upon suitable occasion, +with a partner of his choosing, he might do his little dance with the +best of you. + +As we entered the adjutant-general's office we observed that the entire +staff was there. The adjutant-general himself was exceedingly busy at +his desk. The commissary of subsistence played cards with the surgeon in +a bay window. The rest were in several parts of the room, reading or +conversing in low tones. On a sofa in a half lighted nook of the room, +at some distance from any of the groups, sat the "lady," closely veiled, +her eyes modestly fixed upon her toes. + +"Madam," I said, advancing with Haberton, "this officer will be pleased +to serve you if it is in his power. I trust that it is." + +With a bow I retired to the farther corner of the room and took part in +a conversation going on there, though I had not the faintest notion what +it was about, and my remarks had no relevancy to anything under the +heavens. A close observer would have noticed that we were all intently +watching Haberton and only "making believe" to do anything else. + +He was worth watching, too; the fellow was simply an _édition de luxe_ +of "Turveydrop on Deportment." As the "lady" slowly unfolded her tale of +grievances against our lawless soldiery and mentioned certain instances +of wanton disregard of property rights--among them, as to the imminent +peril of bursting our sides we partly overheard, the looting of her own +wardrobe--the look of sympathetic agony in Haberton's handsome face was +the very flower and fruit of histrionic art. His deferential and +assenting nods at her several statements were so exquisitely performed +that one could not help regretting their unsubstantial nature and the +impossibility of preserving them under glass for instruction and delight +of posterity. And all the time the wretch was drawing his chair nearer +and nearer. Once or twice he looked about to see if we were observing, +but we were in appearance blankly oblivious to all but one another and +our several diversions. The low hum of our conversation, the gentle +tap-tap of the cards as they fell in play and the furious scratching of +the adjutant-general's pen as he turned off countless pages of words +without sense were the only sounds heard. No--there was another: at long +intervals the distant boom of a heavy gun, followed by the approaching +rush of the shot. The enemy was amusing himself. + +On these occasions the lady was perhaps not the only member of that +company who was startled, but she was startled more than the others, +sometimes rising from the sofa and standing with clasped hands, the +authentic portrait of terror and irresolution. It was no more than +natural that Haberton should at these times reseat her with infinite +tenderness, assuring her of her safety and regretting her peril in the +same breath. It was perhaps right that he should finally possess himself +of her gloved hand and a seat beside her on the sofa; but it certainly +was highly improper for him to be in the very act of possessing himself +of _both_ hands when--boom, _whiz_, BANG! + +We all sprang to our feet. A shell had crashed into the house and +exploded in the room above us. Bushels of plaster fell among us. That +modest and murmurous young lady sprang erect. + +"Jumping Jee-rusalem!" she cried. + +Haberton, who had also risen, stood as one petrified--as a statue of +himself erected on the site of his assassination. He neither spoke, nor +moved, nor once took his eyes off the face of Orderly Arman, who was now +flinging his girl-gear right and left, exposing his charms in the most +shameless way; while out upon the night and away over the lighted camps +into the black spaces between the hostile lines rolled the billows of +our inexhaustible laughter! Ah, what a merry life it was in the old +heroic days when men had not forgotten how to laugh! + +Haberton slowly came to himself. He looked about the room less blankly; +then by degrees fashioned his visage into the sickliest grin that ever +libeled all smiling. He shook his head and looked knowing. + +"You can't fool _me_!" he said. + + + + +CURRIED COW + + +My Aunt Patience, who tilled a small farm in the state of Michigan, had +a favorite cow. This creature was not a good cow, nor a profitable one, +for instead of devoting a part of her leisure to secretion of milk and +production of veal she concentrated all her faculties on the study of +kicking. She would kick all day and get up in the middle of the night to +kick. She would kick at anything--hens, pigs, posts, loose stones, birds +in the air and fish leaping out of the water; to this impartial and +catholic-minded beef, all were equal--all similarly undeserving. Like +old Timotheus, who "raised a mortal to the skies," was my Aunt +Patience's cow; though, in the words of a later poet than Dryden, she +did it "more harder and more frequently." It was pleasing to see her +open a passage for herself through a populous barnyard. She would flash +out, right and left, first with one hind-leg and then with the other, +and would sometimes, under favoring conditions, have a considerable +number of domestic animals in the air at once. + +Her kicks, too, were as admirable in quality as inexhaustible in +quantity. They were incomparably superior to those of the untutored kine +that had not made the art a life study--mere amateurs that kicked "by +ear," as they say in music. I saw her once standing in the road, +professedly fast asleep, and mechanically munching her cud with a sort +of Sunday morning lassitude, as one munches one's cud in a dream. +Snouting about at her side, blissfully unconscious of impending danger +and wrapped up in thoughts of his sweetheart, was a gigantic black +hog--a hog of about the size and general appearance of a yearling +rhinoceros. Suddenly, while I looked--without a visible movement on the +part of the cow--with never a perceptible tremor of her frame, nor a +lapse in the placid regularity of her chewing--that hog had gone away +from there--had utterly taken his leave. But away toward the pale +horizon a minute black speck was traversing the empyrean with the speed +of a meteor, and in a moment had disappeared, without audible report, +beyond the distant hills. It may have been that hog. + +Currying cows is not, I think, a common practice, even in Michigan; but +as this one had never needed milking, of course she had to be subjected +to some equivalent form of persecution; and irritating her skin with a +currycomb was thought as disagreeable an attention as a thoughtful +affection could devise. At least she thought it so; though I suspect her +mistress really meant it for the good creature's temporal advantage. +Anyhow my aunt always made it a condition to the employment of a +farm-servant that he should curry the cow every morning; but after just +enough trials to convince himself that it was not a sudden spasm, nor a +mere local disturbance, the man would always give notice of an intention +to quit, by pounding the beast half-dead with some foreign body and then +limping home to his couch. I don't know how many men the creature +removed from my aunt's employ in this way, but judging from the number +of lame persons in that part of the country, I should say a good many; +though some of the lameness may have been taken at second-hand from the +original sufferers by their descendants, and some may have come by +contagion. + +I think my aunt's was a faulty system of agriculture. It is true her +farm labor cost her nothing, for the laborers all left her service +before any salary had accrued; but as the cow's fame spread abroad +through the several States and Territories, it became increasingly +difficult to obtain hands; and, after all, the favorite was imperfectly +curried. It was currently remarked that the cow had kicked the farm to +pieces--a rude metaphor, implying that the land was not properly +cultivated, nor the buildings and fences kept in adequate repair. + +It was useless to remonstrate with my aunt: she would concede +everything, amending nothing. Her late husband had attempted to reform +the abuse in this manner, and had had the argument all his own way until +he had remonstrated himself into an early grave; and the funeral was +delayed all day, until a fresh undertaker could be procured, the one +originally engaged having confidingly undertaken to curry the cow at the +request of the widow. + +Since that time my Aunt Patience had not been in the matrimonial market; +the love of that cow had usurped in her heart the place of a more +natural and profitable affection. But when she saw her seeds unsown, her +harvests ungarnered, her fences overtopped with rank brambles and her +meadows gorgeous with the towering Canada thistle she thought it best to +take a partner. + +When it transpired that my Aunt Patience intended wedlock there was +intense popular excitement. Every adult single male became at once a +marrying man. The criminal statistics of Badger county show that in that +single year more marriages occurred than in any decade before or since. +But none of them was my aunt's. Men married their cooks, their +laundresses, their deceased wives' mothers, their enemies' +sisters--married whomsoever would wed; and any man who, by fair means or +courtship, could not obtain a wife went before a justice of the peace +and made an affidavit that he had some wives in Indiana. Such was the +fear of being married alive by my Aunt Patience. + +Now, where my aunt's affection was concerned she was, as the reader will +have already surmised, a rather determined woman; and the extraordinary +marrying epidemic having left but one eligible male in all that county, +she had set her heart upon that one eligible male; then she went and +carted him to her home. He turned out to be a long Methodist parson, +named Huggins. + +Aside from his unconscionable length, the Rev. Berosus Huggins was not +so bad a fellow, and was nobody's fool. He was, I suppose, the most +ill-favored mortal, however, in the whole northern half of +America--thin, angular, cadaverous of visage and solemn out of all +reason. He commonly wore a low-crowned black hat, set so far down upon +his head as partly to eclipse his eyes and wholly obscure the ample +glory of his ears. The only other visible article of his attire (except +a brace of wrinkled cowskin boots, by which the word "polish" would have +been considered the meaningless fragment of a lost language) was a +tight-fitting black frock-coat, preternaturally long in the waist, the +skirts of which fell about his heels, sopping up the dew. This he always +wore snugly buttoned from the throat downward. In this attire he cut a +tolerably spectral figure. His aspect was so conspicuously unnatural and +inhuman that whenever he went into a cornfield, the predatory crows +would temporarily forsake their business to settle upon him in swarms, +fighting for the best seats upon his person, by way of testifying their +contempt for the weak inventions of the husbandman. + +The day after the wedding my Aunt Patience summoned the Rev. Berosus to +the council chamber, and uttered her mind to the following intent: + +"Now, Huggy, dear, I'll tell you what there is to do about the place. +First, you must repair all the fences, clearing out the weeds and +repressing the brambles with a strong hand. Then you will have to +exterminate the Canadian thistles, mend the wagon, rig up a plow or two, +and get things into ship-shape generally. This will keep you out of +mischief for the better part of two years; of course you will have to +give up preaching, for the present. As soon as you have--O! I forgot +poor Phoebe. She"---- + +"Mrs. Huggins," interrupted her solemn spouse, "I shall hope to be the +means, under Providence, of effecting all needful reforms in the +husbandry of this farm. But the sister you mention (I trust she is not +of the world's people)--have I the pleasure of knowing her? The name, +indeed, sounds familiar, but"---- + +"Not know Phoebe!" cried my aunt, with unfeigned astonishment; "I +thought everybody in Badger knew Phoebe. Why, you will have to scratch +her legs, every blessed morning of your natural life!" + +"I assure you, madam," rejoined the Rev. Berosus, with dignity, "it +would yield me a hallowed pleasure to minister to the spiritual needs of +sister Phoebe, to the extent of my feeble and unworthy ability; but, +really, I fear the merely secular ministration of which you speak must +be entrusted to abler and, I would respectfully suggest, female hands." + + +"Whyyy, youuu ooold, foooool!" replied my aunt, spreading her eyes with +unbounded amazement, "Phoebe is a _cow_!" + +"In that case," said the husband, with unruffled composure, "it will, of +course, devolve upon me to see that her carnal welfare is properly +attended to; and I shall be happy to bestow upon her legs such time as I +may, without sin, snatch from my strife with Satan and the Canadian +thistles." + +With that the Rev. Mr. Huggins crowded his hat upon his shoulders, +pronounced a brief benediction upon his bride, and betook himself to the +barn-yard. + +Now, it is necessary to explain that he had known from the first who +Phoebe was, and was familiar, from hearsay, with all her sinful traits. +Moreover, he had already done himself the honor of making her a visit, +remaining in the vicinity of her person, just out of range, for more +than an hour and permitting her to survey him at her leisure from every +point of the compass. In short, he and Phoebe had mutually reconnoitered +and prepared for action. + +Amongst the articles of comfort and luxury which went to make up the +good parson's _dot_, and which his wife had already caused to be +conveyed to his new home, was a patent cast-iron pump, about seven feet +high. This had been deposited near the barn-yard, preparatory to being +set up on the planks above the barn-yard well. Mr. Huggins now sought +out this invention and conveying it to its destination put it into +position, screwing it firmly to the planks. He next divested himself of +his long gaberdine and his hat, buttoning the former loosely about the +pump, which it almost concealed, and hanging the latter upon the summit +of the structure. The handle of the pump, when depressed, curved +outwardly between the coat-skirts, singularly like a tail, but with this +inconspicuous exception, any unprejudiced observer would have pronounced +the thing Mr. Huggins, looking uncommonly well. + +The preliminaries completed, the good man carefully closed the gate of +the barnyard, knowing that as soon as Phoebe, who was campaigning in the +kitchen garden, should note the precaution she would come and jump in to +frustrate it, which eventually she did. Her master, meanwhile, had laid +himself, coatless and hatless, along the outside of the close board +fence, where he put in the time pleasantly, catching his death of cold +and peering through a knot-hole. + +At first, and for some time, the animal pretended not to see the figure +on the platform. Indeed she had turned her back upon it directly she +arrived, affecting a light sleep. Finding that this stratagem did not +achieve the success that she had expected, she abandoned it and stood +for several minutes irresolute, munching her cud in a half-hearted way, +but obviously thinking very hard. Then she began nosing along the ground +as if wholly absorbed in a search for something that she had lost, +tacking about hither and thither, but all the time drawing nearer to the +object of her wicked intention. Arrived within speaking distance, she +stood for a little while confronting the fraudful figure, then put out +her nose toward it, as if to be caressed, trying to create the +impression that fondling and dalliance were more to her than wealth, +power and the plaudits of the populace--that she had been accustomed to +them all her sweet young life and could not get on without them. Then +she approached a little nearer, as if to shake hands, all the while +maintaining the most amiable expression of countenance and executing all +manner of seductive nods and winks and smiles. Suddenly she wheeled +about and with the rapidity of lightning dealt out a terrible kick--a +kick of inconceivable force and fury, comparable to nothing in nature +but a stroke of paralysis out of a clear sky! + +The effect was magical! Cows kick, not backward but sidewise. The impact +which was intended to project the counterfeit theologian into the middle +of the succeeding conference week reacted upon the animal herself, and +it and the pain together set her spinning like a top. Such was the +velocity of her revolution that she looked like a dim, circular cow, +surrounded by a continuous ring like that of the planet Saturn--the +white tuft at the extremity of her sweeping tail! Presently, as the +sustaining centrifugal force lessened and failed, she began to sway and +wabble from side to side, and finally, toppling over on her side, rolled +convulsively on her back and lay motionless with all her feet in the +air, honestly believing that the world had somehow got atop of her and +she was supporting it at a great sacrifice of personal comfort. Then she +fainted. + +How long she lay unconscious she knew not, but at last she unclosed her +eyes, and catching sight of the open door of her stall, "more sweet than +all the landscape smiling near," she struggled up, stood wavering upon +three legs, rubbed her eyes, and was visibly bewildered as to the points +of the compass. Observing the iron clergyman standing fast by its faith, +she threw it a look of grieved reproach and hobbled heart-broken into +her humble habitation, a subjugated cow. + +For several weeks Phoebe's right hind leg was swollen to a monstrous +growth, but by a season of judicious nursing she was "brought round all +right," as her sympathetic and puzzled mistress phrased it, or "made +whole," as the reticent man of God preferred to say. She was now as +tractable and inoffensive "in her daily walk and conversation" (Huggins) +as a little child. Her new master used to take her ailing leg trustfully +into his lap, and for that matter, might have taken it into his mouth if +he had so desired. Her entire character appeared to be radically +changed--so altered that one day my Aunt Patience, who, fondly as she +loved her, had never before so much as ventured to touch the hem of her +garment, as it were, went confidently up to her to soothe her with a pan +of turnips. Gad! how thinly she spread out that good old lady upon the +face of an adjacent stone wall! You could not have done it so evenly +with a trowel. + + + + +A REVOLT OF THE GODS + + +My father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, my mother kept the only shop +for the sale of cats'-meat in my native city. They did not live happily; +the difference in social rank was a chasm which could not be bridged by +the vows of marriage. It was indeed an ill-assorted and most unlucky +alliance; and as might have been foreseen it ended in disaster. One +morning after the customary squabbles at breakfast, my father rose from +the table, quivering and pale with wrath, and proceeding to the +parsonage thrashed the clergyman who had performed the marriage +ceremony. The act was generally condemned and public feeling ran so high +against the offender that people would permit dead dogs to lie on their +property until the fragrance was deafening rather than employ him; and +the municipal authorities suffered one bloated old mastiff to utter +itself from a public square in so clamorous an exhalation that passing +strangers supposed themselves to be in the vicinity of a saw-mill. My +father was indeed unpopular. During these dark days the family's sole +dependence was on my mother's emporium for cats'-meat. + +The business was profitable. In that city, which was the oldest in the +world, the cat was an object of veneration. Its worship was the religion +of the country. The multiplication and addition of cats were a perpetual +instruction in arithmetic. Naturally, any inattention to the wants of a +cat was punished with great severity in this world and the next; so my +good mother numbered her patrons by the hundred. Still, with an +unproductive husband and seventeen children she had some difficulty in +making both ends cats'-meat; and at last the necessity of increasing the +discrepancy between the cost price and the selling price of her carnal +wares drove her to an expedient which proved eminently disastrous: she +conceived the unlucky notion of retaliating by refusing to sell +cats'-meat until the boycott was taken off her husband. + +On the day when she put this resolution into practice the shop was +thronged with excited customers, and others extended in turbulent and +restless masses up four streets, out of sight. Inside there was nothing +but cursing, crowding, shouting and menace. Intimidation was freely +resorted to--several of my younger brothers and sisters being threatened +with cutting up for the cats--but my mother was as firm as a rock, and +the day was a black one for Sardasa, the ancient and sacred city that +was the scene of these events. The lock-out was vigorously maintained, +and seven hundred and fifty thousand cats went to bed hungry! + +The next morning the city was found to have been placarded during the +night with a proclamation of the Federated Union of Old Maids. This +ancient and powerful order averred through its Supreme Executive Head +that the boycotting of my father and the retaliatory lock-out of my +mother were seriously imperiling the interests of religion. The +proclamation went on to state that if arbitration were not adopted by +noon that day all the old maids of the federation would strike--and +strike they did. + +The next act of this unhappy drama was an insurrection of cats. These +sacred animals, seeing themselves doomed to starvation, held a +mass-meeting and marched in procession through the streets, swearing and +spitting like fiends. This revolt of the gods produced such +consternation that many pious persons died of fright and all business +was suspended to bury them and pass terrifying resolutions. + +Matters were now about as bad as it seemed possible for them to be. +Meetings among representatives of the hostile interests were held, but +no understanding was arrived at that would hold. Every agreement was +broken as soon as made, and each element of the discord was frantically +appealing to the people. A new horror was in store. + +It will be remembered that my father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, but +was unable to practice his useful and humble profession because no one +would employ him. The dead dogs in consequence reeked rascally. Then +they struck! From every vacant lot and public dumping ground, from every +hedge and ditch and gutter and cistern, every crystal rill and the +clabbered waters of all the canals and estuaries--from all the places, +in short, which from time immemorial have been preëmpted by dead dogs +and consecrated to the uses of them and their heirs and successors +forever--they trooped innumerous, a ghastly crew! Their procession was a +mile in length. Midway of the town it met the procession of cats in full +song. The cats instantly exalted their backs and magnified their tails; +the dead dogs uncovered their teeth as in life, and erected such of +their bristles as still adhered to the skin. + +The carnage that ensued was too awful for relation! The light of the sun +was obscured by flying fur, and the battle was waged in the darkness, +blindly and regardless. The swearing of the cats was audible miles away, +while the fragrance of the dead dogs desolated seven provinces. + +How the battle might have resulted it is impossible to say, but when it +was at its fiercest the Federated Union of Old Maids came running down a +side street and sprang into the thickest of the fray. A moment later my +mother herself bore down upon the warring hosts, brandishing a cleaver, +and laid about her with great freedom and impartiality. My father joined +the fight, the municipal authorities engaged, and the general public, +converging on the battle-field from all points of the compass, consumed +itself in the center as it pressed in from the circumference. Last of +all, the dead held a meeting in the cemetery and resolving on a general +strike, began to destroy vaults, tombs, monuments, headstones, willows, +angels and young sheep in marble--everything they could lay their hands +on. By nightfall the living and the dead were alike exterminated, and +where the ancient and sacred city of Sardasa had stood nothing remained +but an excavation filled with dead bodies and building materials, shreds +of cat and blue patches of decayed dog. The place is now a vast pool of +stagnant water in the center of a desert. + +The stirring events of those few days constituted my industrial +education, and so well have I improved my advantages that I am now Chief +of Misrule to the Dukes of Disorder, an organization numbering thirteen +million American workingmen. + + + + +THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO + + +It was a wicked thing to do, certainly. I have often regretted it since, +and if the opportunity of doing so again were presented I should +hesitate a long time before embracing it. But I was young then, and +cherished a species of humor which I have since abjured. Still, when I +remember the character of the people who were burlesquing and bringing +into disrepute the letter and spirit of our holy religion I feel a +certain satisfaction in having contributed one feeble effort toward +making them ridiculous. In consideration of the little good I may have +done in that way, I beg the reader to judge my conceded error as +leniently as possible. This is the story. + +Some years ago the town of Harding, in Illinois, experienced "a revival +of religion," as the people called it. It would have been more accurate +and less profane to term it a revival of Rampageanism, for the craze +originated in, and was disseminated by, the sect which I will call the +Rampagean communion; and most of the leaping and howling was done in +that interest. Amongst those who yielded to the influence was my friend +Thomas Dobsho. Tom had been a pretty bad sinner in a small way, but he +went into this new thing heart and soul. At one of the meetings he made +a public confession of more sins than he ever was, or ever could have +been guilty of; stopping just short of statutory crimes, and even +hinting, significantly, that he could tell a good deal more if he were +pressed. He wanted to join the absurd communion the very evening of his +conversion. He wanted to join two or three communions. In fact, he was +so carried away with his zeal that some of the brethren gave me a hint +to take him home; he and I occupied adjoining apartments in the Elephant +Hotel. + +Tom's fervor, as it happened, came near defeating its own purpose; +instead of taking him at once into the fold without reference or +"character," which was their usual way, the brethren remembered against +him his awful confessions and put him on probation. But after a few +weeks, during which he conducted himself like a decent lunatic, it was +decided to baptise him along with a dozen other pretty hard cases who +had been converted more recently. This sacrilegious ceremony I persuaded +myself it was my duty to prevent, though I think now I erred as to the +means adopted. It was to take place on a Sunday, and on the preceding +Saturday I called on the head revivalist, the Rev. Mr. Swin, and craved +an interview. + +"I come," said I, with simulated reluctance and embarrassment, "in +behalf of my friend, Brother Dobsho, to make a very delicate and unusual +request. You are, I think, going to baptise him to-morrow, and I trust +it will be to him the beginning of a new and better life. But I don't +know if you are aware that his family are all Plungers, and that he is +himself tainted with the wicked heresy of that sect. So it is. He is, as +one might say in secular metaphor, 'on the fence' between their grievous +error and the pure faith of your church. It would be most melancholy if +he should get down on the wrong side. Although I confess with shame I +have not myself embraced the truth, I hope I am not too blind to see +where it lies." + +"The calamity that you apprehend," said the reverend lout, after solemn +reflection, "would indeed seriously affect our friend's interest and +endanger his soul. I had not expected Brother Dobsho so soon to give up +the good fight." + +"I think sir," I replied reflectively, "there is no fear of that if the +matter is skilfully managed. He is heartily with you--might I venture to +say with _us_--on every point but one. He favors immersion! He has been +so vile a sinner that he foolishly fears the more simple rite of your +church will not make him wet enough. Would you believe it? his +uninstructed scruples on the point are so gross and materialistic that +he actually suggested soaping himself as a preparatory ceremony! I +believe, however, if instead of sprinkling my friend, you would pour a +generous basinful of water on his head--but now that I think of it in +your enlightening presence I see that such a proceeding is quite out of +the question. I fear we must let matters take the usual course, trusting +to our later efforts to prevent the backsliding which may result." + +The parson rose and paced the floor a moment, then suggested that he'd +better see Brother Dobsho, and labor to remove his error. I told him I +thought not; I was sure it would not be best. Argument would only +confirm him in his prejudices. So it was settled that the subject should +not be broached in that quarter. It would have been bad for me if it had +been. + +When I reflect now upon the guile of that conversation, the falsehood of +my representations and the wickedness of my motive I am almost ashamed +to proceed with my narrative. Had the minister been other than an arrant +humbug, I hope I should never have suffered myself to make him the dupe +of a scheme so sacrilegious in itself, and prosecuted with so sinful a +disregard of honor. + +The memorable Sabbath dawned bright and beautiful. About nine o'clock +the cracked old bell, rigged up on struts before the "meeting-house," +began to clamor its call to service, and nearly the whole population of +Harding took its way to the performance. I had taken the precaution to +set my watch fifteen minutes fast. Tom was nervously preparing himself +for the ordeal. He fidgeted himself into his best suit an hour before +the time, carried his hat about the room in the most aimless and +demented way and consulted his watch a hundred times. I was to accompany +him to church, and I spent the time fussing about the room, doing the +most extraordinary things in the most exasperating manner--in short, +keeping up Tom's feverish excitement by every wicked device I could +think of. Within a half hour of the real time for service I suddenly +yelled out-- + +"O, I say, Tom; pardon me, but that head of yours is just frightful! +Please _do_ let me brush it up a bit!" + +Seizing him by the shoulders I thrust him into a chair with his face to +the wall, laid hold of his comb and brush, got behind him and went to +work. He was trembling like a child, and knew no more what I was doing +than if he had been brained. Now, Tom's head was a curiosity. His hair, +which was remarkably thick, was like wire. Being cut rather short it +stood out all over his scalp like the spines on a porcupine. It had been +a favorite complaint of Tom's that he never could do anything to that +head. I found no difficulty--I did something to it, though I blush to +think what it was. I did something which I feared he might discover if +he looked in the mirror, so I carelessly pulled out my watch, sprung it +open, gave a start and shouted-- + +"By Jove! Thomas--pardon the oath--but we're late. Your watch is all +wrong; look at mine! Here's your hat, old fellow; come along. There's +not a moment to lose!" + +Clapping his hat on his head, I pulled him out of the house, with actual +violence. In five minutes more we were in the meeting-house with ever so +much time to spare. + +The services that day, I am told, were specially interesting and +impressive, but I had a good deal else on my mind--was preoccupied, +absent, inattentive. They might have varied from the usual profane +exhibition in any respect and to any extent, and I should not have +observed it. The first thing I clearly perceived was a rank of +"converts" kneeling before the "altar," Tom at the left of the line. +Then the Rev. Mr. Swin approached him, thoughtfully dipping his fingers +into a small earthern bowl of water as if he had just finished dining. I +was much affected: I could see nothing distinctly for my tears. My +handkerchief was at my face--most of it inside. I was observed to sob +spasmodically, and I am abashed to think how many sincere persons +mistakenly followed my example. + +With some solemn words, the purport of which I did not quite make out, +except that they sounded like swearing, the minister stood before +Thomas, gave me a glance of intelligence and then with an innocent +expression of face, the recollection of which to this day fills me with +remorse, spilled, as if by accident, the entire contents of the bowl on +the head of my poor friend--that head into the hair of which I had +sifted a prodigal profusion of Seidlitz-powders! + +I confess it, the effect was magical--anyone who was present would tell +you that. Tom's pow simmered--it seethed--it foamed yeastily, and +slavered like a mad dog! It steamed and hissed, with angry spurts and +flashes! In a second it had grown bigger than a small snowbank, and +whiter. It surged, and boiled, and walloped, and overflowed, and +sputtered--sent off feathery flakes like down from a shot swan! The +froth poured creaming over his face, and got into his eyes. It was the +most sinful shampooing of the season! + +I cannot relate the commotion this produced, nor would I if I could. As +to Tom, he sprang to his feet and staggered out of the house, groping +his way between the pews, sputtering strangled profanity and gasping +like a stranded fish. The other candidates for baptism rose also, +shaking their pates as if to say, "No you don't, my hearty," and left +the house in a body. Amidst unbroken silence the minister reascended the +pulpit with the empty bowl in his hand, and was first to speak: + +"Brethren and sisters," said he with calm, deliberate evenness of tone, +"I have held forth in this tabernacle for many more years than I have +got fingers and toes, and during that time I have known not guile, nor +anger, nor any uncharitableness. As to Henry Barber, who put up this job +on me, I judge him not lest I be judged. Let him take _that_ and sin no +more!"--and he flung the earthern bowl with so true an aim that it was +shattered against my skull. The rebuke was not undeserved, I confess, +and I trust I have profited by it. + + + + +THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER + + +"It's all very well fer you Britishers to go assin' about the country +tryin' to strike the trail o' the mines you've salted down yer loose +carpital in," said Colonel Jackhigh, setting his empty glass on the +counter and wiping his lips with his coat sleeve; "but w'en it comes to +hoss racin', w'y I've got a cayuse ken lay over all the thurrerbreds yer +little mantel-ornyment of a island ever panned out--bet yer britches I +have! Talk about yer Durby winners--w'y this pisen little beast o' +mine'll take the bit in her teeth and show 'em the way to the horizon +like she was takin' her mornin' stroll and they was tryin' to keep an +eye on her to see she didn't do herself an injury--that's w'at she +would! And she haint never run a race with anything spryer'n an Injun in +all her life; she's a green amatoor, _she_ is!" + +"Oh, very well," said the Englishman with a quiet smile; "it is easy +enough to settle the matter. My animal is in tolerably good condition, +and if yours is in town we can have the race to-morrow for any stake you +like, up to a hundred dollars. + +"That's jest the figger," said the colonel; "dot it down, barkeep. But +it's like slarterin' the innocents," he added, half-remorsefully, as he +turned to leave; "it's bettin' on a dead sure thing--that's what it is! +If my cayuse knew wa't I was about she'd go and break a laig to make the +race a fair one." + +So it was arranged that the race was to come off at three o'clock the +next day, on the _mesa_, some distance from town. As soon as the news +got abroad, the whole population of Left Bower and vicinity knocked off +work and assembled in the various bars to discuss it. The Englishman and +his horse were general favorites, and aside from the unpopularity of the +colonel, nobody had ever seen his "cayuse." Still the element of +patriotism came in, making the betting very nearly even. + +A race-course was marked off on the _mesa_ and at the appointed hour +every one was there except the colonel. It was arranged that each man +should ride his own horse, and the Englishman, who had acquired +something of the free-and-easy bearing that distinguishes the "mining +sharp," was already atop of his magnificent animal, with one leg thrown +carelessly across the pommel of his Mexican saddle, as he puffed his +cigar with calm confidence in the result of the race. He was conscious, +too, that he possessed the secret sympathy of all, even of those who had +felt it their duty to bet against him. The judge, watch in hand, was +growing impatient, when the colonel appeared about a half-mile away, and +bore down upon the crowd. Everyone was eager to inspect his mount; and +such a mount as it proved to be was never before seen, even in Left +Bower! + +You have seen "perfect skeletons" of horses often enough, no doubt, but +this animal was not even a perfect skeleton; there were bones missing +here and there which you would not have believed the beast could have +spared. "Little" the colonel had called her! She was not an inch less +than eighteen hands high, and long out of all reasonable proportion. She +was so hollow in the back that she seemed to have been bent in a +machine. She had neither tail nor mane, and her neck, as long as a man, +stuck straight up into the air, supporting a head without ears. Her eyes +had an expression in them of downright insanity, and the muscles of her +face were afflicted with periodical convulsions that drew back the +corners of the mouth and wrinkled the upper lip so as to produce a +ghastly grin every two or three seconds. In color she was "claybank," +with great blotches of white, as if she had been pelted with small bags +of flour. The crookedness of her legs was beyond all comparison, and as +to her gait it was that of a blind camel walking diagonally across +innumerable deep ditches. Altogether she looked like the crude result of +Nature's first experiment in equifaction. + +As this libel on all horses shambled up to the starting post there was a +general shout; the sympathies of the crowd changed in the twinkling of +an eye! Everyone wanted to bet on her, and the Englishman himself was +only restrained from doing so by a sense of honor. It was growing late, +however, and the judge insisted on starting them. They got off very well +together, and seeing the mare was unconscionably slow the Englishman +soon pulled his animal in and permitted the ugly thing to pass him, so +as to enjoy a back view of her. That sealed his fate. The course had +been marked off in a circle of two miles in circumference and some +twenty feet wide, the limits plainly defined by little furrows. Before +the animals had gone a half mile both had been permitted to settle down +into a comfortable walk, in which they continued three-fourths of the +way round the ring. Then the Englishman thought it time to whip up and +canter in. + +But he didn't. As he came up alongside the "Lightning Express," as the +crowd had begun to call her, that creature turned her head diagonally +backward and let fall a smile. The encroaching beast stopped as if he +had been shot! His rider plied whip, and forced him again forward upon +the track of the equine hag, but with the same result. + +The Englishman was now alarmed; he struggled manfully with rein and whip +and shout, amidst the tremendous cheering and inextinguishable laughter +of the crowd, to force his animal past, now on this side, now on that, +but it would not do. Prompted by the fiend in the concavity of her back, +the unthinkable quadruped dropped her grins right and left with such +seasonable accuracy that again and again the competing beast was struck +"all of a heap" just at the moment of seeming success. And, finally, +when by a tremendous spurt his rider endeavored to thrust him by, within +half a dozen lengths of the winning post, the incarnate nightmare turned +squarely about and fixed upon him a portentous stare--delivering at the +same time a grimace of such prodigious ghastliness that the poor +thoroughbred, with an almost human scream of terror, wheeled about, and +tore away to the rear with the speed of the wind, leaving the colonel an +easy winner in twenty minutes and ten seconds. + + + + +THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +December 2, 1877._ + +I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my journey from +New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in Chicago, believe me, and +the Southron who comes here, as I did, without a relay of noses and ears +will have reason to regret his mistaken economy in arranging his outfit. + +To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy, O child of a torrid +clime, a sheet of anybody's ice, three hundred miles long, forty broad, +and six feet thick! It sounds like a lie, Pikey dear, but your partner +in the firm of Hope & Wandel, Wholesale Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is +never known to fib. My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present +business and send on the money at once. I'll put up a warehouse as big +as the Capitol at Washington, store it full and ship to your orders as +the Southern market may require. I can send it in planks for skating +floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in shavings for juleps, or in +solution for ice cream and general purposes. It is a big thing! + +I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such charming ice? + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +December 24, 1877._ + +Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and blurring that it +was entirely illegible. It must have come all the way by water. By the +aid of chemicals and photography, however, I have made it out. But you +forgot to inclose the sample of ice. + +I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice, I am sorry to say) +and inclose draft for net amount. Shall begin to spar for orders at +once. I trust everything to you--but, I say, has anybody tried to grow +ice in _this_ vicinity? There is Lake Ponchartrain, you know. + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +February 27, 1878._ + +Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new warehouse for the ice. +Though made of boards, and run up rather hastily, it is as pretty as a +picture, and cost a deal of money, though I pay no ground rent. It is +about as big as the Capitol at Washington. Do you think it ought to have +a steeple? I have it nearly filled--fifty men cutting and storing, day +and night--awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I wrote you +last was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't you worry; there is +plenty. + +Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town, so I am not much +bothered by visitors, which is a relief. Such a giggling, sniggering lot +you never saw! + +It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie, but do you know I +believe this ice of ours gains in coldness as the warm weather comes on! +I do, indeed, and you may mention the fact in the advertisements. + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +March 7, 1878._ + +All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a roaring trade as +"The New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company." But you have not +told me whether the ice is fresh or salt. If it is fresh it won't do for +cooking, and if it is salt it will spoil the mint juleps. + +Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts are? + + +_From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +April 3, 1878._ + +Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are thick as ducks. I'm +afloat, _en route_ for Buffalo, with the assets of the New Orleans and +Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company in my vest pocket. We are busted out, +my poor Pikey--we are to fortune and to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting +of the creditors and don't attend. + +Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed into match-wood on an +enormous mass of floating ice--the first berg ever seen in these waters. +It is described by the survivors as being about as big as the Capital at +Washington. One-half of that iceberg belongs to you, Pikey. + +The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on an unfavorable site, +about a mile out from the shore (on the ice, you understand), and when +the thaw came--O my God, Wannie, it was the saddest thing you ever saw +in all your life! You will be _so_ glad to know I was not in it at the +time. + +What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor partner, you don't seem +to know very much about the ice business. + + + + +PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE + + +The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate instrument, +consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, which, decomposing the +light of any heavenly body to which the instrument is directed, presents +a spectrum, or long bar of color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and +bright lines produced by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby the +celestial orb's light is generated. From these dark and bright lines, +therefore, we ascertain all that is worth knowing about the composition +of the sun and stars. + +Now Ben had made some striking discoveries in spectroscopic analysis at +his private garden observatory, and had also an instrument of superior +power and capacity, invented, or at least much improved, by himself; and +this instrument it was that he and I were arranging for an examination +of the comet then flaming in the heavens. William sat by apparently +uninterested. Finally we had our arrangements for an observation +completed, and Ben said: "Now turn her on." + +"That reminds me," said William, "of a little story about Perry Chumly, +who--" + +"For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a hand on his +arm, "I must beg you not to relate it. The comet will in a few minutes +be behind the roof of yonder lodging house. We really have no time for +the story." + +"No," said Ben, "time presses; and, anyhow, I've heard it before." + +"This Perry Chumly," resumed William, "believed himself a born +astronomer, and always kept a bit of smoked glass. He was particularly +great on solar eclipses. I have known him to sit up all night looking +out for one." + +Ben had now got the spectroscope trained skyward to suit him, and in +order to exclude all irrelevant light had let down the window-blind on +the tube of it. The spectrum of the comet came out beautifully--a long +bar of color crossed with a lovely ruling of thin dark and bright lines, +the sight of which elicited from us an exclamation of satisfaction. + +"One day," continued William from his seat at another window, "some one +told Perry Chumly there would be an eclipse of the sun that afternoon at +three o'clock. Now Perry had recently read a story about some men who in +exploring a deep cañon in the mountains had looked up from the bottom +and seen the stars shining at midday. It occurred to him that this +knowledge might be so utilized as to give him a fine view of the +eclipse, and enable him at the same time to see what the stars would +appear to think about it." + +"_This_," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines in the cometic +spectrum, "_this_ is produced by the vapor of carbon in the nucleus of +the heavenly visitant. You will observe that it differs but slightly +from the lines that come of volatilized iron. Examined with this +magnifying glass"--adjusting that instrument to his eye--"it will +probably show--by Jove!" he ejaculated, after a nearer view, "it isn't +carbon at all. _It is_ MEAT!" + +"Of course," proceeded William, "of course Perry Chumly did not have any +cañon, so what did the fellow do but let himself down with his arms and +legs to the bottom of an old well, about thirty feet deep! And, with the +cold water up to his middle, and the frogs, pollywogs and aquatic +lizards quarreling for the cosy corners of his pockets, there he stood, +waiting for the sun to appear in the field of his 'instrument' and be +eclipsed." + +"Ben, you are joking," I remarked with some asperity; "you are taking +liberties with science, Benjamin. It _can't_ be meat, you know." + +"I tell you it _is_ though," was his excited reply; "it is just _meat_, +I tell you! And this other line, which at first I took for sodium, is +_bone_--bone, sir, or I'm an asteroid! I never saw the like; that comet +must be densely peopled with butchers and horse-knackers!" + +"When Perry Chumly had waited a long time," William went on to say, +"looking up and expecting every minute to see the sun, it began to get +into his mind, somehow, that the bright, circular opening above his +head--the mouth of the well--_was_ the sun, and that the black disk of +the moon was all that was needed to complete the expected phenomenon. +The notion soon took complete obsession of his brain, so that he forgot +where he was and imagined himself standing on the surface of the earth." + +I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum very closely, being +particularly attracted by a thin, faint line, which I thought Ben had +overlooked. + +"Oh, that is nothing," he explained; "that's a mere local fault arising +from conditions peculiar to the medium through which the light is +transmitted--the atmosphere of this neighborhood. It is whisky. This +other line, though, shows the faintest imaginable trace of soap; and +these uncertain, wavering ones are caused by some effluvium not in the +comet itself, but in the region beyond it. I am compelled to pronounce +it tobacco smoke. I will now tilt the instrument so as to get the +spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! there we have it. +Splendid!" + +"Now this old well," said William, "was near a road, along which was +traveling a big and particularly hideous nigger." + +"See here, Thomas," exclaimed Ben, removing the magnifying glass from +his eye and looking me earnestly in the face, "if I were to tell you +that the _coma_ of this eccentric heavenly body is really hair, as its +name implies, would you believe it?" + +"No, Ben, I certainly should not." + +"Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the lines--they speak for +themselves. But now that I look again, you are not entirely wrong: there +is a considerable admixture of jute, moss, and I think tallow. It +certainly is most remarkable! Sir Isaac Newton--" + +"That big nigger," drawled William, "felt thirsty, and seeing the mouth +of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket in it. So he ventured to +creep forward on his hands and knees and look in over the edge." + +Suddenly our spectrum vanished, and a very singular one of a quite +different appearance presented itself in the same place. It was a dim +spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of pale yellow. + +"Ah!" said Ben, "our waif of the upper deep is obscured by a cloud; let +us see what the misty veil is made of." + +He took a look at the spectrum with his magnifying glass, started back, +and muttered: "Brown linen, by thunder!" + +"You can imagine the rapture of Perry Chumly," pursued the indefatigable +William, "when he saw, as he supposed, the moon's black disk encroaching +upon the body of the luminary that had so long riveted his gaze. But +when that obscuring satellite had thrust herself so far forward that the +eclipse became almost annular, and he saw her staring down upon a +darkened world with glittering white eyes and a double row of flashing +teeth, it is perhaps not surprising that he vented a scream of terror, +fainted and collapsed among his frogs! As for the big nigger, almost +equally terrified by this shriek from the abyss, he executed a +precipitate movement which only the breaking of his neck prevented from +being a double back-somersault, and lay dead in the weeds with his +tongue out and his face the color of a cometic spectrum. We laid them in +the same grave, poor fellows, and on many a still summer evening +afterward I strayed to the lonely little church-yard to listen to the +smothered requiem chanted by the frogs that we had neglected to remove +from the pockets of the lamented astronomer. + +"And, now," added William, taking his heels from the window, "as you can +not immediately resume your spectroscopic observations on that +red-haired chamber-maid in the dormer-window, who pulled down the blind +when I made a mouth at her, I move that we adjourn." + + + + +A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION + + +Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The world of Mr. +Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one's world is likely to do +when one sits up till morning with jovial friends, to watch it, and he +was prone to resentment. No sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a +neat, fashionable suit of clothing than he selected his morning +walking-stick and sallied out upon the town with a vague general +determination to attack something. His first victim would naturally have +been his breakfast; but singularly enough, he fell upon this with so +feeble an energy that he was himself beaten--to the grieved astonishment +of the worthy _rôtisseur_, who had to record his hitherto puissant +patron's maiden defeat. Three or four cups of _café noir_ were the only +captives that graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-wheels that morning. + +He lit a long cigar and sauntered moodily down the street, so occupied +with schemes of universal retaliation that his feet had it all their own +way; in consequence of which, their owner soon found himself in the +billiard-room of the Occidental Hotel. Nobody was there, but Mr. Jarvis +was a privileged person; so, going to the marker's desk, he took out a +little box of ivory balls, spilled them carelessly over a table and +languidly assailed them with a long stick. + +Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvelous stroke. Waiting +till the astonished balls had resumed their composure, he gathered them +up, replacing them in their former position. He tried the stroke again, +and, naturally, did not make it. Again he placed the balls, and again he +badly failed. With a vexed and humilated air he once more put the +indocile globes into position, leaned over the table and was upon the +point of striking, when there sounded a solemn voice from behind: + +"Bet you two bits you don't make it!" + +Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked at the speaker, +whom he found to be a stranger--one that most persons would prefer +should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made no reply. In the first place, +he was a man of aristocratic taste, to whom a wager of "two bits" was +simply vulgar. Secondly, the man who had proffered it evidently had not +the money. Still it is annoying to have one's skill questioned by one's +social inferiors, particularly when one has doubts of it oneself, and is +otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr. Jarvis stood his cue against the table, +laid off his fashionable morning-coat, resumed his stick, spread his +fine figure upon the table with his back to the ceiling and took +deliberate aim. + +At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is seen no more +forever. Persons of the class to which he adds lustre are sacred from +the pen of the humorist; they are ridiculous but not amusing. So now we +will dismiss this uninteresting young aristocrat, retaining merely his +outer shell, the fashionable morning-coat, which Mr. Stenner, the +gentleman, who had offered the wager, has quietly thrown across his arm +and is conveying away for his own advantage. + +An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at North Beach, +with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had already taken the +opinion of an eminent pawnbroker on its value, and it only remained to +search the pockets. Mr. Stenner's notions concerning gentlemen's coats +were not so clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were +that these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth of +bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was therefore disappointed +when his careful quest was rewarded with only a delicately perfumed +handkerchief, upon which he could not hope to obtain a loan of more than +ten cents; a pair of gloves too small for use and a bit of paper that +was not a cheque. A second look at this, however, inspired hope. It was +about the size of a flounder, ruled in wide lines, and bore in +conspicuous characters the words, "Western Union Telegraph Company." +Immediately below this interesting legend was much other printed matter, +the purport of which was that the company did not hold itself +responsible for the verbal accuracy of "the following message," and did +not consider itself either morally or legally bound to forward or +deliver it, nor, in short, to render any kind of service for the money +paid by the sender. + +Unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed that a +message subject to these hard conditions must be one of not only grave +importance, but questionable character. So he determined to decipher it +at that time and place. In the course of the day he succeeded in so +doing. It ran as follows, omitting the date and the names of persons and +places, which were, of course, quite illegible: + +"Buy Sally Meeker!" + +Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon Mr. Stenner +all at once it might have carried him away, which would not have been so +bad a thing for San Francisco; but as the meaning had to percolate +slowly through a dense dyke of ignorance, it produced no other immediate +effect than the exclamation, "Well, I'll be bust!" + +In the mouths of some persons this form of expression means a great +deal. On the Stenner tongue it signified the hopeless nature of the +Stenner mental confusion. + +It must be confessed--by persons outside a certain limited and sordid +circle--that the message lacks amplification and elaboration; in its +terse, bald diction there is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human +flesh, for which in California there is no market since the abolition of +slavery and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman suffrage +had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner would at +once have understood the kind of purchase advised; for in political +transactions he had very often changed hands himself. But it was all a +muddle, and resolving to dismiss the matter from his thoughts, he went +to bed thinking of nothing else; for many hours his excited imagination +would do nothing but purchase slightly damaged Sally Meekers by the +bale, and retail them to itself at an enormous profit. + +Next day, it flashed upon his memory who Sally Meeker was--a racing +mare! At this entirely obvious solution of the problem he was overcome +with amazement at his own sagacity. Rushing into the street he +purchased, not Sally Meeker, but a sporting paper--and in it found the +notice of a race which was to come off the following week; and, sure +enough, there it was: + +"Budd Doble enters g.g. Clipper; Bob Scotty enters b.g. Lightnin'; +Staley Tupper enters s.s. Upandust; Sim Salper enters b.m. Sally +Meeker." + +It was clear now; the sender of the dispatch was "in the know." Sally +Meeker was to win, and her owner, who did not know it, had offered her +for sale. At that supreme moment Mr. Stenner would willingly have been a +rich man! In fact he resolved to be. He at once betook him to Vallejo, +where he had lived until invited away by some influential citizens of +the place. There he immediately sought out an industrious friend who had +an amiable weakness for draw poker, and in whom Mr. Stenner regularly +encouraged that passion by going up against him every payday and +despoiling him of his hard earnings. He did so this time, to the sum of +one hundred dollars. + +No sooner had he raked in his last pool and refused his friend's appeal +for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for breakfast than he bought a +check on the Bank of California, enclosed it in a letter containing +merely the words "Bi Saly Meker," and dispatched it by mail to the only +clergyman in San Francisco whose name he knew. Mr. Stenner had a vague +notion that all kinds of business requiring strict honesty and fidelity +might be profitably intrusted to the clergy; otherwise what was the use +of religion? I hope I shall not be accused of disrespect to the cloth in +thus bluntly setting forth Mr. Stenner's estimate of the parsons, +inasmuch as I do not share it. + +This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's revelry; at +the end of which he worked his passage down to San Francisco to secure +his winnings on the race, and take charge of his peerless mare. It will +be observed that his notions concerning races were somewhat confused; +his experience of them had hitherto been confined to that branch of the +business requiring, not technical knowledge but manual dexterity. In +short, he had done no more than pick the pockets of the spectators. +Arrived at San Francisco he was hastening to the dwelling of his +clerical agent, when he met an acquaintance, to whom he put the +triumphant question, "How about Sally Meeker?" + +"Sally Meeker? Sally Meeker?" was the reply. "Oh, you mean the hoss? Why +she's gone up the flume. Broke her neck the first heat. But ole Sim +Salper is never a-goin' to fret hisself to a shadder about it. He struck +it pizen in the mine she was named a'ter and the stock's gone up from +nothin' out o' sight. You couldn't tech that stock with a ten-foot +pole!" + +Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error; the message in the +coat had evidently been sent to a broker, and referred to the stock of +the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, Stenner, was a ruined man! + +Suddenly a great, monstrous, misbegotten and unmentionable oath rolled +from Mr. Stenner's tongue like a cannon shot hurled along an uneven +floor! Might it not be that the Rev. Mr. Boltright had also +misunderstood the message, and had bought, not the mare, but the stock? +The thought was electrical: Mr. Stenner ran--he flew! He tarried not at +walls and the smaller sort of houses, but went through or over them! In +five minutes he stood before the good clergyman--and in one more had +asked, in a hoarse whisper, if he had bought any "Sally Meeker." + +"My good friend," was the bland reply--"my fellow traveler to the bar of +God, it would better comport with your spiritual needs to inquire what +you should do to be saved. But since you ask me, I will confess that +having received what I am compelled to regard as a Providential +intimation, accompanied with the secular means of obedience, I did put +up a small margin and purchase largely of the stock you mention. The +venture, I am constrained to state, was not wholly unprofitable." + +Unprofitable? The good man had made a square twenty-five thousand +dollars on that small margin! To conclude--he has it yet. + + + + +MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP + + +Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be hanged on +Friday, the ninth of November, at five o'clock in the afternoon. This +was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he was then in prison. +Jerome was my friend, and naturally I differed with the jury that had +convicted him as to the degree of guilt implied by the conceded fact +that he had shot an Indian without direct provocation. Ever since his +trial I had been endeavoring to influence the Governor of the State to +grant a pardon; but public sentiment was against me, a fact which I +attributed partly to the innate pigheadness of the people, and partly to +the recent establishment of churches and schools which had corrupted the +primitive notions of a frontier community. But I labored hard and +unremittingly by all manner of direct and indirect means during the +whole period in which Jerome lay under sentence of death; and on the +very morning of the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me, +and saying "he did not purpose being worried by my importunities all +winter," handed me the document which he had so often refused. + +Armed with the precious paper, I flew to the telegraph office to send a +dispatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found the operator locking the +door of the office and putting up the shutters. I pleaded in vain; he +said he was going to see the hanging, and really had no time to send my +message. I must explain that Flatbroke was fifteen miles away; I was +then at Swan Creek, the State capital. + +The operator being inexorable, I ran to the railroad station to see how +soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The station man, with cool +and polite malice, informed me that all the employees of the road had +been given a holiday to see Jerome Bowles hanged, and had already gone +by an early train; that there would be no other train till the next day. + +I was now furious, but the station man quietly turned me out, locking +the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I ordered a horse. Why +prolong the record of my disappointment? Not a horse could I get in that +town; all had been engaged weeks before to take people to the hanging. +So everybody said, at least, though I now know there was a rascally +conspiracy to defeat the ends of mercy, for the story of the pardon had +got abroad. + +It was now ten o'clock. I had only seven hours in which to do my fifteen +miles afoot; but I was an excellent walker and thoroughly angry; there +was no doubt of my ability to make the distance, with an hour to spare. +The railway offered the best chance; it ran straight as a string across +a level, treeless prairie, whereas the highway made a wide detour by way +of another town. + +I took to the track like a Modoc on the war path. Before I had gone a +half-mile I was overtaken by "That Jim Peasley," as he was called in +Swan Creek, an incurable practical joker, loved and shunned by all who +knew him. He asked me as he came up if I were "going to the show." +Thinking it was best to dissemble, I told him I was, but said nothing of +my intention to stop the performance; I thought it would be a lesson to +That Jim to let him walk fifteen miles for nothing, for it was clear +that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on ahead or drop +behind. But he could not very well do the former, and would not do the +latter; so we trudged on together. It was a cloudy day and very sultry +for that time of the year. The railway stretched away before us, between +its double row of telegraph poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a +point at the horizon. On either hand the disheartening monotony of the +prairie was unbroken. + +I thought little of these things, however, for my mental exaltation was +proof against the depressing influence of the scene. I was about to save +the life of my friend--to restore a crack shot to society. Indeed I +scarcely thought of That Jim, whose heels were grinding the hard gravel +close behind me, except when he saw fit occasionally to propound the +sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?" Of course I was, +but I would have died rather than confess it. + +We had gone in this way, about half the distance, probably, in much less +than half the seven hours, and I was getting my second wind, when That +Jim again broke the silence. + +"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?" + +This was quite true! in a season of pecuniary depression I had once put +my legs into my stomach--had turned my athletic accomplishments to +financial advantage. It was not a pleasant topic, and I said nothing. +That Jim persisted. + +"Wouldn't like to do a feller a somersault now, eh?" + +The mocking tongue of this jeer was intolerable; the fellow evidently +considered me "done up," so taking a short run I clapped my hands to my +thighs and executed as pretty a flip-flap as ever was made without a +springboard! At the moment I came erect with my head still spinning, I +felt That Jim crowd past me, giving me a twirl that almost sent me off +the track. A moment later he had dashed ahead at a tremendous pace, +laughing derisively over his shoulder as if he had done a remarkably +clever thing to gain the lead. + +I was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I must +confess the fellow could walk amazingly. In half an hour I had run past +him, and at the end of the hour, such was my slashing gait, he was a +mere black dot in my rear, and appeared to be sitting on one of the +rails, thoroughly used up. + +Relieved of Mr. Peasley, I naturally began thinking of my poor friend in +the Flatbroke jail, and it occurred to me that something might happen to +hasten the execution. I knew the feeling of the country against him, and +that many would be there from a distance who would naturally wish to get +home before nightfall. Nor could I help admitting to myself that five +o'clock was an unreasonably late hour for a hanging. Tortured with these +fears, I unconsciously increased my pace with every step, until it was +almost a run. I stripped off my coat and flung it away, opened my +collar, and unbuttoned my waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming +like a locomotive engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers on the +outskirts of the town, and flourished the pardon crazily above my head, +yelling, "Cut him down!--cut him down!" + +Then, as every one stared in blank amazement and nobody said anything, I +found time to look about me, marveling at the oddly familiar appearance +of the town. As I looked, the houses, streets, and everything seemed to +undergo a sudden and mysterious transposition with reference to the +points of the compass, as if swinging round on a pivot; and like one +awakened from a dream I found myself among accustomed scenes. To be +plain about it, I was back again in Swan Creek, as right as a trivet! + +It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The designing rascal had +provoked me to throw a confusing somersault, then bumped against me, +turning me half round, and started on the back track, thereby inciting +me to hook it in the same direction. The cloudy day, the two lines of +telegraph poles, one on each side of the track, the entire sameness of +the landscape to the right and left--these had all conspired to prevent +my observing that I had put about. + +When the excursion train returned from Flatbroke that evening the +passengers were told a little story at my expense. It was just what they +needed to cheer them up a bit after what they had seen; for that +flip-flap of mine had broken the neck of Jerome Bowles seven miles away! + + + + +THE LITTLE STORY + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_A Supernumerary Editor. A Probationary Contributor_. + +SCENE--"_The Expounder" Office_. + +PROBATIONARY CONTRIBUTOR--Editor in? + +SUPERNUMERARY EDITOR--Dead. + +P.C.--The gods favor me. (_Produces roll of manuscript_.) Here is a +little story, which I will read to you. + +S.E.--O, O! + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "It was the last night of the year--a naughty, noxious, +offensive night. In the principal street of San Francisco"-- + +S.E.--Confound San Francisco! + +P.C.--It had to be somewhere. (_Reads_.) + +"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small female orphan, +marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare feet imprinted cold +kisses on the paving-stones as she put them down and drew them up +alternately. The chilling rain was having a good time with her scalp, +and toyed soppily with her hair--her own hair. The night-wind shrewdly +searched her tattered garments, as if it had suspected her of smuggling. +She saw crowds of determined-looking persons grimly ruining themselves +in toys and confectionery for the dear ones at home, and she wished she +was in a position to ruin a little--just a little. Then, as the happy +throng sped by her with loads of things to make the children sick, she +leaned against an iron lamp-post in front of a bake-shop and turned on +the wicked envy. She thought, poor thing, she would like to be a +cake--for this little girl was very hungry indeed. Then she tried again, +and thought she would like to be a tart with smashed fruit inside; then +she would be warmed over every day and nobody would eat her. For the +child was cold as well as hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and +thought she could be very well content as an oven; for then she would be +kept always hot, and bakers would put all manner of good things into her +with a long shovel." + +S.E.--I've read that somewhere. + +P.C.--Very likely. This little story has never been rejected by any +paper to which I have offered it. It gets better, too, every time I +write it. When it first appeared in _Veracity_ the editor said it cost +him a hundred subscribers. Just mark the improvement! (_Reads_.) + +"The hours glided by--except a few that froze to the pavement--until +midnight. The streets were now deserted, and the almanac having +predicted a new moon about this time, the lamps had been conscientiously +extinguished. Suddenly a great globe of sound fell from an adjacent +church-tower, and exploded on the night with a deep metallic boom. Then +all the clocks and bells began ringing-in the New Year--pounding and +banging and yelling and finishing off all the nervous invalids left over +from the preceding Sunday. The little orphan started from her dream, +leaving a small patch of skin on the frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin +blue hands and looked upward, 'with mad disquietude,'"-- + +S.E.--In _The Monitor_ it was "with covetous eyes." + +P.C.--I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, Byron. (_Reads._) + +"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently from the +clouds." + +S.E.--How about those angels? + +P.C.--The editor of _Good Will_ cut 'em out. He said San Francisco was +no place for them; and I don't believe---- + +S.E.--There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little story. + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "As she stooped to take up the tart a veal sandwich +came whizzing down, and cuffed one of her ears. Next a wheaten loaf made +her dodge nimbly, and then a broad ham fell flat-footed at her toes. A +sack of flour burst in the middle of the street; a side of bacon impaled +itself on an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a chain of sausages fell in +a circle around her, flattening out as if a road-roller had passed over +them. Then there was a lull--nothing came down but dried fish, cold +puddings and flannel under-clothing; but presently her wishes began to +take effect again, and a quarter of beef descended with terrific +momentum upon the top of the little orphan's head." + +S.E.--How did the editor of _The Reasonable Virtues_ like that quarter +of beef? + +P.C.--Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck in a few dressed +pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I don't want outsiders +altering the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so. Bedding, +shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of onions, quantities of +loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic fowls, crates of crockery and +glassware, assorted house-keeping things, cooking ranges, and tons of +coal poured down in broad cataracts from a bounteous heaven, piling +themselves above that infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was +more than two hours in clearing up; and as late as half-past three a +ponderous hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and Kearney +Streets, with an impact that shook the peninsula like an earthquake and +stopped every clock in town. + +"At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with shovels and +wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year was an hour old, they +had provided for all of these provisions--had stowed them away in their +cellars, and nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready for sale to +the deserving poor." + +S.E.--And the little girl--what became of _her_? + +P.C.--You musn't get ahead of the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had not been +content with her lot some one brought a broom, and she was carefully +swept and smoothed out. Then they lifted her tenderly, and carried her +to the coroner. That functionary was standing in the door of his office, +and with a deprecatory wave of his hand, he said to the man who was +bearing her: + +"'There, go away, my good fellow; there was a man here three times +yesterday trying to sell me just such a map.'" + + + + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + + + + +MY FAVORITE MURDER + + +Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I +was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In +charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that it +was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called upon to +explain away. + +At this, my attorney rose and said: + +"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by +comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's +previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense (if +offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender forbearance +and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim. The appalling +ferocity of the former assassination was indeed inconsistent with any +hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the +honorable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a life +insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which my client +held a policy, it is hard to see how he could decently have been +acquitted. If your Honor would like to hear about it for instruction and +guidance of your Honor's mind, this unfortunate man, my client, will +consent to give himself the pain of relating it under oath." + +The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statement +would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is +closed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three years +ago, in the spring of 1881." + +"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in the Court +of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in your favor. +But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled." + +"I except," said the district attorney. + +"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that in order +to take an exception you must first get this case transferred for a time +to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion duly supported by +affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessor in office was +denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the +prisoner." + +The customary oath having been administered, I made the following +statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of the +comparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that he +made no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply +instructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stain +upon my reputation: + +"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputable +parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in my +later years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled near +Nigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyond +the dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his +increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his +disposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad event +for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a genuine +hilarity. + +"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preacher +came along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodging that +we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that, praise +God, we were all converted to religion. My father at once sent for his +brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival turned +over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise nor +plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a sawed-off shotgun, +and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks. The family then +moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house. It was called 'The Saints' +Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each night began with prayer. It +was there that my now sainted mother, by her grace in the dance, +acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.' + +"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road to +Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were four other +passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom I +identified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage. +Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers. I +acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in line with +the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to be deprived of +forty dollars and a gold watch. From my behavior no one could have +suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave the entertainment. A few +days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked for the return of my +money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they knew nothing of the +matter, and they affected a belief that my father and I had done the job +ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial good faith. Uncle William +even threatened to retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at +Ghost Rock. As 'The Saints' Rest' had become rather unpopular, I saw +that this would assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so I +told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the past if he would take +me into the scheme and keep the partnership a secret from my father. +This fair offer he rejected, and I then perceived that it would be +better and more satisfactory if he were dead. + +"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them to my +dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval. My +father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised that although her +religion forbade her to assist in taking human life I should have the +advantage of her prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure +looking to my security in case of detection I made an application for +membership in that powerful order, the Knights of Murder, and in due +course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock commandery. On the day +that my probation ended I was for the first time permitted to inspect +the records of the order and learn who belonged to it--all the rites of +initiation having been conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in +looking over the roll of membership; I found the third name to be that +of my uncle, who indeed was junior vice-chancellor of the order! Here +was an opportunity exceeding my wildest dreams--to murder I could add +insubordination and treachery. It was what my good mother would have +called 'a special Providence.' + +"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy, +already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss. +Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stage +robbery in which I had lost my money and watch. They were brought to +trial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt upon +three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock, +convicted on the clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton and +reasonless as I could wish. + +"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going over to my +uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his wife, if he +were at home, adding that I had come to kill him. My aunt replied with +her peculiar smile that so many gentleman called on that errand and were +afterward carried away without having performed it that I must excuse +her for doubting my good faith in the matter. She said I did not look as +if I would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith I leveled my rifle +and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing the house. She said +she knew whole families that could do a thing of that kind, but Bill +Ridley was a horse of another color. She said, however, that I would +find him over on the other side of the creek in the sheep lot; and she +added that she hoped the best man would win. + +"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I have ever +met. + +"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a sheep. Seeing +that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had not the heart to shoot +him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly and struck him a +powerful blow on the head with the butt of my rifle. I have a very good +delivery and Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled over on his +back, spread out his fingers and shivered. Before he could recover the +use of his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using and cut his +hamstrings. You know, doubtless, that when you sever the _tendo +Achillis_ the patient has no further use of his leg; it is just the same +as if he had no leg. Well, I parted them both, and when he revived he +was at my service. As soon as he comprehended the situation, he said: + +"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be generous. I +have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that you carry me to the +house and finish me in the bosom of my family.' + +"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I would do so +if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he would be easier to +carry that way and if we were seen by the neighbors _en route_ it would +cause less remark. He agreed to that, and going to the barn I got a +sack. This, however, did not fit him; it was too short and much wider +than he; so I bent his legs, forced his knees up against his breast and +got him into it that way, tying the sack above his head. He was a heavy +man and I had all that I could do to get him on my back, but I staggered +along for some distance until I came to a swing that some of the +children had suspended to the branch of an oak. Here I laid him down and +sat upon him to rest, and the sight of the rope gave me a happy +inspiration. In twenty minutes my uncle, still in the sack, swung free +to the sport of the wind. + +"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the mouth of the +bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled him up about five feet +from the ground. Fastening the other end of the rope also about the +mouth of the sack, I had the satisfaction to see my uncle converted into +a large, fine pendulum. I must add that he was not himself entirely +aware of the nature of the change that he had undergone in his relation +to the exterior world, though in justice to a good man's memory I ought +to say that I do not think he would in any case have wasted much of my +time in vain remonstrance. + +"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region as a +fighter. It was in a state of chronic constitutional indignation. Some +deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition and it had +declared war upon the whole world. To say that it would butt anything +accessible is but faintly to express the nature and scope of its +military activity: the universe was its antagonist; its methods that of +a projectile. It fought like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving +the atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and descending +upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence to make the most of +its velocity and weight. Its momentum, calculated in foot-tons, was +something incredible. It had been seen to destroy a four year old bull +by a single impact upon that animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had +ever been known to resist its downward swoop; there were no trees tough +enough to stay it; it would splinter them into matchwood and defile +their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible and implacable +brute--this incarnate thunderbolt--this monster of the upper deep, I had +seen reposing in the shade of an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of +conquest and glory. It was with a view to summoning it forth to the +field of honor that I suspended its master in the manner described. + +"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the avuncular pendulum +a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover behind a contiguous rock, +lifted up my voice in a long rasping cry whose diminishing final note +was drowned in a noise like that of a swearing cat, which emanated from +the sack. Instantly that formidable sheep was upon its feet and had +taken in the military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had +approached, stamping, to within fifty yards of the swinging foeman, who, +now retreating and anon advancing, seemed to invite the fray. Suddenly I +saw the beast's head drop earthward as if depressed by the weight of its +enormous horns; then a dim, white, wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself +from that spot in a generally horizontal direction to within about four +yards of a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck sharply +upward, and before it had faded from my gaze at the place whence it had +set out I heard a horrid thump and a piercing scream, and my poor uncle +shot forward, with a slack rope higher than the limb to which he was +attached. Here the rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and +back he swung in a breathless curve to the other end of his arc. The ram +had fallen, a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and horns, but +pulling itself together and dodging as its antagonist swept downward it +retired at random, alternately shaking its head and stamping its +fore-feet. When it had backed about the same distance as that from which +it had delivered the assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in +prayer for victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before--a +prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a sharp +ascension. Its course this time was at a right angle to its former one, +and its impatience so great that it struck the enemy before he had +nearly reached the lowest point of his arc. In consequence he went +flying round and round in a horizontal circle whose radius was about +equal to half the length of the rope, which I forgot to say was nearly +twenty feet long. His shrieks, _crescendo_ in approach and _diminuendo_ +in recession, made the rapidity of his revolution more obvious to the +ear than to the eye. He had evidently not yet been struck in a vital +spot. His posture in the sack and the distance from the ground at which +he hung compelled the ram to operate upon his lower extremities and the +end of his back. Like a plant that has struck its root into some +poisonous mineral, my poor uncle was dying slowly upward. + +"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again retired. The +fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain was intoxicated with +the wine of strife. Like a pugilist who in his rage forgets his skill +and fights ineffectively at half-arm's length, the angry beast +endeavored to reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he +passed overhead, sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly, +but more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as +the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in scope and +diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the ground, these tactics +produced better results, eliciting a superior quality of screams, which +I greatly enjoyed. + +"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram suspended +hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling and smoothing its +great aquiline nose, and occasionally cropping a bunch of grass and +slowly munching it. It seemed to have tired of war's alarms and resolved +to beat the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. +Steadily it held its course away from the field of fame until it had +gained a distance of nearly a quarter of a mile. There it stopped and +stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently half +asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of its head, as +if its apathy were more affected than real. + +"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his motion, and +nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and at long intervals my +name, uttered in pleading tones exceedingly grateful to my ear. +Evidently the man had not the faintest notion of what was being done to +him, and was inexpressibly terrified. When Death comes cloaked in +mystery he is terrible indeed. Little by little my uncle's oscillations +diminished, and finally he hung motionless. I went to him and was about +to give him the _coup de grâce_, when I heard and felt a succession of +smart shocks which shook the ground like a series of light earthquakes, +and turning in the direction of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust +approaching me with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect! At a +distance of some thirty yards away it stopped short, and from the near +end of it rose into the air what I at first thought a great white bird. +Its ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that I could not realize +its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in admiration of its grace. To +this day the impression remains that it was a slow, deliberate movement, +the ram--for it was that animal--being upborne by some power other than +its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages of its +flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes followed its progress +through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all the greater by contrast +with my former terror of its approach by land. Onward and upward the +noble animal sailed, its head bent down almost between its knees, its +fore-feet thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of +a soaring heron. + +"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection presents it to +view, it attained its zenith and appeared to remain an instant +stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward without altering the relative +position of its parts, it shot downward on a steeper and steeper course +with augmenting velocity, passed immediately above me with a noise like +the rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle almost squarely on +the top of the head! So frightful was the impact that not only the man's +neck was broken, but the rope too; and the body of the deceased, forced +against the earth, was crushed to pulp beneath the awful front of that +meteoric sheep! The concussion stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand +and Dutch Dan's, and Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in +matters seismic, who happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained +that the vibrations were from north to southwest. + +"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of artistic atrocity +my murder of Uncle William has seldom been excelled." + + + + +OIL OF DOG + + +My name is Boffer Bings. I was born of honest parents in one of the +humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of dog-oil and my +mother having a small studio in the shadow of the village church, where +she disposed of unwelcome babes. In my boyhood I was trained to habits +of industry; I not only assisted my father in procuring dogs for his +vats, but was frequently employed by my mother to carry away the debris +of her work in the studio. In performance of this duty I sometimes had +need of all my natural intelligence for all the law officers of the +vicinity were opposed to my mother's business. They were not elected on +an opposition ticket, and the matter had never been made a political +issue; it just happened so. My father's business of making dog-oil was, +naturally, less unpopular, though the owners of missing dogs sometimes +regarded him with suspicion, which was reflected, to some extent, upon +me. My father had, as silent partners, all the physicians of the town, +who seldom wrote a prescription which did not contain what they were +pleased to designate as _Ol. can_. It is really the most valuable +medicine ever discovered. But most persons are unwilling to make +personal sacrifices for the afflicted, and it was evident that many of +the fattest dogs in town had been forbidden to play with me--a fact +which pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near driving +me to become a pirate. + +Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, that by +indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I was the author +of misfortunes profoundly affecting my future. + +One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the body of a +foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable who seemed to be +closely watching my movements. Young as I was, I had learned that a +constable's acts, of whatever apparent character, are prompted by the +most reprehensible motives, and I avoided him by dodging into the oilery +by a side door which happened to stand ajar. I locked it at once and was +alone with my dead. My father had retired for the night. The only light +in the place came from the furnace, which glowed a deep, rich crimson +under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on the walls. Within +the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent ebullition, occasionally +pushing to the surface a piece of dog. Seating myself to wait for the +constable to go away, I held the naked body of the foundling in my lap +and tenderly stroked its short, silken hair. Ah, how beautiful it was! +Even at that early age I was passionately fond of children, and as I +looked upon this cherub I could almost find it in my heart to wish that +the small, red wound upon its breast--the work of my dear mother--had +not been mortal. + +It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river which nature had +thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but that night I did not dare to +leave the oilery for fear of the constable. "After all," I said to +myself, "it cannot greatly matter if I put it into this cauldron. My +father will never know the bones from those of a puppy, and the few +deaths which may result from administering another kind of oil for the +incomparable _ol. can_. are not important in a population which +increases so rapidly." In short, I took the first step in crime and +brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into the cauldron. + +The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing his hands with +satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he had obtained the finest +quality of oil that was ever seen; that the physicians to whom he had +shown samples had so pronounced it. He added that he had no knowledge as +to how the result was obtained; the dogs had been treated in all +respects as usual, and were of an ordinary breed. I deemed it my duty to +explain--which I did, though palsied would have been my tongue if I +could have foreseen the consequences. Bewailing their previous ignorance +of the advantages of combining their industries, my parents at once took +measures to repair the error. My mother removed her studio to a wing of +the factory building and my duties in connection with the business +ceased; I was no longer required to dispose of the bodies of the small +superfluous, and there was no need of alluring dogs to their doom, for +my father discarded them altogether, though they still had an honorable +place in the name of the oil. So suddenly thrown into idleness, I might +naturally have been expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did +not. The holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect +me from the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a deacon in +a church. Alas, that through my fault these estimable persons should +have come to so bad an end! + +Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now devoted herself +to it with a new assiduity. She removed not only superfluous and +unwelcome babes to order, but went out into the highways and byways, +gathering in children of a larger growth, and even such adults as she +could entice to the oilery. My father, too, enamored of the superior +quality of oil produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and zeal. +The conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in short, the one +passion of their lives--an absorbing and overwhelming greed took +possession of their souls and served them in place of a hope in +Heaven--by which, also, they were inspired. + +So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting was held and +resolutions passed severely censuring them. It was intimated by the +chairman that any further raids upon the population would be met in a +spirit of hostility. My poor parents left the meeting broken-hearted, +desperate and, I believe, not altogether sane. Anyhow, I deemed it +prudent not to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside +in a stable. + +At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise and peer +through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew my father now +slept. The fires were burning as brightly as if the following day's +harvest had been expected to be abundant. One of the large cauldrons was +slowly "walloping" with a mysterious appearance of self-restraint, as if +it bided its time to put forth its full energy. My father was not in +bed; he had risen in his nightclothes and was preparing a noose in a +strong cord. From the looks which he cast at the door of my mother's +bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in mind. Speechless and +motionless with terror, I could do nothing in prevention or warning. +Suddenly the door of my mother's apartment was opened, noiselessly, and +the two confronted each other, both apparently surprised. The lady, +also, was in her night clothes, and she held in her right hand the tool +of her trade, a long, narrow-bladed dagger. + +She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit which the +unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had left her. For one +instant they looked into each other's blazing eyes and then sprang +together with indescribable fury. Round and round the room they +struggled, the man cursing, the woman shrieking, both fighting like +demons--she to strike him with the dagger, he to strangle her with his +great bare hands. I know not how long I had the unhappiness to observe +this disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at last, after a +more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants suddenly moved +apart. + +My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences of contact. +For another instant they glared at each other in the most unamiable way; +then my poor, wounded father, feeling the hand of death upon him, leaped +forward, unmindful of resistance, grasped my dear mother in his arms, +dragged her to the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his +failing energies, and sprang in with her! In a moment, both had +disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee of +citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to the public +meeting. + +Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every avenue to an +honorable career in that town, I removed to the famous city of Otumwee, +where these memoirs are written with a heart full of remorse for a +heedless act entailing so dismal a commercial disaster. + + + + +AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION + + +Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father--an act which made a +deep impression on me at the time. This was before my marriage, while I +was living with my parents in Wisconsin. My father and I were in the +library of our home, dividing the proceeds of a burglary which we had +committed that night. These consisted of household goods mostly, and the +task of equitable division was difficult. We got on very well with the +napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware was parted pretty +nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that when you try to divide +a single music-box by two without a remainder you will have trouble. It +was that music-box which brought disaster and disgrace upon our family. +If we had left it my poor father might now be alive. + +It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of workmanship--inlaid with +costly woods and carven very curiously. It would not only play a great +variety of tunes, but would whistle like a quail, bark like a dog, crow +every morning at daylight whether it was wound up or not, and break the +Ten Commandments. It was this last mentioned accomplishment that won my +father's heart and caused him to commit the only dishonorable act of his +life, though possibly he would have committed more if he had been +spared: he tried to conceal that music-box from me, and declared upon +his honor that he had not taken it, though I knew very well that, so far +as he was concerned, the burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the +purpose of obtaining it. + +My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had worn cloaks +by way of disguise. He had solemnly assured me that he did not take it. +I knew that he did, and knew something of which he was evidently +ignorant; namely, that the box would crow at daylight and betray him if +I could prolong the division of profits till that time. All occurred as +I wished: as the gaslight began to pale in the library and the shape of +the windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long cock-a-doodle-doo +came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak, followed by a few bars of +an aria from _Tannhauser_, ending with a loud click. A small hand-axe, +which we had used to break into the unlucky house, lay between us on the +table; I picked it up. The old man seeing that further concealment was +useless took the box from under his cloak and set it on the table. "Cut +it in two if you prefer that plan," said he; "I tried to save it from +destruction." + +He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play the concertina +with expression and feeling. + +I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it would be +presumptuous in me to sit in judgment on my father. But business is +business, and with this axe I am going to effect a dissolution of our +partnership unless you will consent in all future burglaries to wear a +bell-punch." + +"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do that; it would +look like a confession of dishonesty. People would say that you +distrusted me." + +I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for a moment I +was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, but a glance at the +richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, as I said, I removed the old +man from this vale of tears. Having done so, I was a trifle uneasy. Not +only was he my father--the author of my being--but the body would be +certainly discovered. It was now broad daylight and my mother was likely +to enter the library at any moment. Under the circumstances, I thought +it expedient to remove her also, which I did. Then I paid off all the +servants and discharged them. + +That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what I had done +and asked his advice. It would be very painful to me if the facts became +publicly known. My conduct would be generally condemned; the newspapers +would bring it up against me if ever I should run for office. The chief +saw the force of these considerations; he was himself an assassin of +wide experience. After consulting with the presiding judge of the Court +of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to conceal the bodies in one of +the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on the house and burn it down. This +I proceeded to do. + +In the library was a book-case which my father had recently purchased of +some cranky inventor and had not filled. It was in shape and size +something like the old-fashioned "wardrobes" which one sees in bed-rooms +without closets, but opened all the way down, like a woman's +night-dress. It had glass doors. I had recently laid out my parents and +they were now rigid enough to stand erect; so I stood them in this +book-case, from which I had removed the shelves. I locked them in and +tacked some curtains over the glass doors. The inspector from the +insurance office passed a half-dozen times before the case without +suspicion. + +That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house and started +through the woods to town, two miles away, where I managed to be found +about the time the excitement was at its height. With cries of +apprehension for the fate of my parents, I joined the rush and arrived +at the fire some two hours after I had kindled it. The whole town was +there as I dashed up. The house was entirely consumed, but in one end of +the level bed of glowing embers, bolt upright and uninjured, was that +book-case! The curtains had burned away, exposing the glass-doors, +through which the fierce, red light illuminated the interior. There +stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and at his side the +partner of his joys and sorrows. Not a hair of them was singed, their +clothing was intact. On their heads and throats the injuries which in +the accomplishment of my designs I had been compelled to inflict were +conspicuous. As in the presence of a miracle, the people were silent; +awe and terror had stilled every tongue. I was myself greatly affected. + + +Some three years later, when the events herein related had nearly faded +from my memory, I went to New York to assist in passing some counterfeit +United States bonds. Carelessly looking into a furniture store one day, +I saw the exact counterpart of that bookcase. "I bought it for a trifle +from a reformed inventor," the dealer explained. "He said it was +fireproof, the pores of the wood being filled with alum under hydraulic +pressure and the glass made of asbestos. I don't suppose it is really +fireproof--you can have it at the price of an ordinary book-case." + +"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't take it"--and +I bade him good morning. + +I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories that were +exceedingly disagreeable. + + + + +THE HYPNOTIST + + +By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes amuse myself +with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred phenomena, I am frequently +asked if I have a clear conception of the nature of whatever principle +underlies them. To this question I always reply that I neither have nor +desire to have. I am no investigator with an ear at the key-hole of +Nature's workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity to steal the secrets of +her trade. The interests of science are as little to me as mine seem to +have been to science. + +Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and in no way +transcend our powers of comprehension if only we could find the clew; +but for my part I prefer not to find it, for I am of a singularly +romantic disposition, deriving more gratification from mystery than from +knowledge. It was commonly remarked of me when I was a child that my big +blue eyes appeared to have been made rather to look into than look out +of--such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent periods of +abstraction, their indifference to what was going on. In those +peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, the soul which lies +behind them, always more intent upon some lovely conception which it has +created in its own image than concerned about the laws of nature and the +material frame of things. All this, irrelevant and egotistic as it may +seem, is related by way of accounting for the meagreness of the light +that I am able to throw upon a subject that has engaged so much of my +attention, and concerning which there is so keen and general a +curiosity. With my powers and opportunities, another person might +doubtless have an explanation for much of what I present simply as +narrative. + +My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to me in my +fourteenth year, when at school. Happening one day to have forgotten to +bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly at that of a small girl +who was preparing to eat hers. Looking up, her eyes met mine and she +seemed unable to withdraw them. After a moment of hesitancy she came +forward in an absent kind of way and without a word surrendered her +little basket with its tempting contents and walked away. Inexpressibly +pleased, I relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket. After that I had +not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that little girl was my +daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying my simple need from +her frugal store I combined pleasure and profit by constraining her +attendance at the feast and making misleading proffer of the viands, +which eventually I consumed to the last fragment. The girl was always +persuaded that she had eaten all herself; and later in the day her +tearful complaints of hunger surprised the teacher, entertained the +pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and filled me with a +peace past understanding. + +A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory condition of +things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of the luncheon, for +example, had to be made at some distance from the madding crowd, in a +wood; and I blush to think of the many other unworthy subterfuges +entailed by the situation. As I was (and am) naturally of a frank and +open disposition, these became more and more irksome, and but for the +reluctance of my parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new +_régime_ I would gladly have reverted to the old. The plan that I +finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of my own powers +excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and that part of it which +consisted in the death of the girl was severely condemned, but it is +hardly pertinent to the scope of this narrative. + +For some years afterward I had little opportunity to practice hypnotism; +such small essays as I made at it were commonly barren of other +recognition than solitary confinement on a bread-and-water diet; +sometimes, indeed, they elicited nothing better than the +cat-o'-nine-tails. It was when I was about to leave the scene of these +small disappointments that my one really important feat was performed. + +I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit of +civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great deal of advice, +which I am bound to confess was of a much better quality than the +clothing. As I was passing out of the gate into the light of freedom I +suddenly turned and looking the warden gravely in the eye, soon had him +in control. + +"You are an ostrich," I said. + +At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to contain a great +quantity of indigestible articles mostly of wood or metal. Stuck fast in +the oesophagus and constituting, according to the Coroner's jury, the +immediate cause of death, one door-knob. + +I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took my way into +the great world from which I had been so long secluded I could not help +remembering that all my misfortunes had flowed like a stream from the +niggard economy of my parents in the matter of school luncheons; and I +knew of no reason to think they had reformed. + +On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a little open +field which once contained a shanty known as Pete Gilstrap's Place, +where that gentleman used to murder travelers for a living. The death of +Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of nearly all the travel to another road +occurred so nearly at the same time that no one has ever been able to +say which was cause and which effect. Anyhow, the field was now a +desolation and the Place had long been burned. It was while going afoot +to South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found both my +parents on their way to the Hill. They had hitched their team and were +eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the field. The sight +of the luncheon called up painful memories of my school days and roused +the sleeping lion in my breast. Approaching the guilty couple, who at +once recognized me, I ventured to suggest that I share their +hospitality. + +"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with +characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is +sufficient for but two. I am not, I hope, insensible to the hunger-light +in your eyes, but--" + +My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook for +hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist. In a few +seconds he was at my service. A few more sufficed for the lady, and the +dictates of a just resentment could be carried into effect. "My former +father," I said, "I presume that it is known to you that you and this +lady are no longer what you were?" + +"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather dubious reply +of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable to age." + +"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to character--to species. +You and the lady here are, in truth, two _broncos_--wild stallions both, +and unfriendly." + +"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to say that I +am--" + +"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon hers, "you are." + + +Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped upon her +hands and knees, and backing up to the old man squealed like a demon and +delivered a vicious kick upon his shin! An instant later he was himself +down on all-fours, headed away from her and flinging his feet at her +simultaneously and successively. With equal earnestness but inferior +agility, because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her own. Their +flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering way; their feet +sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies thrust forward, +falling flat upon the ground and for a moment helpless. On recovering +themselves they would resume the combat, uttering their frenzy in the +nameless sounds of the furious brutes which they believed themselves to +be--the whole region rang with their clamor! Round and round they +wheeled, the blows of their feet falling "like lightnings from the +mountain cloud." They plunged and reared backward upon their knees, +struck savagely at each other with awkward descending blows of both +fists at once, and dropped again upon their hands as if unable to +maintain the upright position of the body. Grass and pebbles were torn +from the soil by hands and feet; clothing, hair, faces inexpressibly +defiled with dust and blood. Wild, inarticulate screams of rage attested +the delivery of the blows; groans, grunts and gasps their receipt. +Nothing more truly military was ever seen at Gettysburg or Waterloo: the +valor of my dear parents in the hour of danger can never cease to be to +me a source of pride and gratification. At the end of it all two +battered, tattered, bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality +attested the solemn fact that the author of the strife was an orphan. + +Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and have ever since +been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and Continuances whence, +after fifteen years of proceedings, my attorney is moving heaven and +earth to get the case taken to the Court of Remandment for New Trials. + +Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious force or +agency known as hypnotic suggestion. Whether or not it could be employed +by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am unable to say. + + + + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + + + + +MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST + + +While I was in Kansas I purchased a weekly newspaper--the _Claybank +Thundergust of Reform_. This paper had never paid its expenses; it had +ruined four consecutive publishers; but my brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson +Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to run for the Legislature, and I +naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to have an organ in +Claybank to assist in his political extinction. When the establishment +came into my hands, the editor was a fellow who had "opinions," and him +I at once discharged with an admonition. I had some difficulty in +procuring a successor; every man in the county applied for the place. I +could not appoint one without having to fight a majority of the others, +and was eventually compelled to write to a friend at Warm Springs, in +the adjoining State of Missouri, to send me an editor from abroad whose +instalment at the helm of manifest destiny could have no local +significance. + +The man he sent me was a frowsy, seedy fellow, named Masthead--not +larger, apparently, than a boy of sixteen years, though it was difficult +to say from the outside how much of him was editor and how much cast-off +clothing; for in the matter of apparel he had acted upon his favorite +professional maxim, and "sunk the individual;" his attire--eminently +eclectic, and in a sense international--quite overcame him at all +points. However, as my friend had assured me he was "a graduate of one +of the largest institutions in his native State," I took him in and +bought a pen for him. My instructions to him were brief and simple. + +"Mr. Masthead," said I, "it is the policy of the _Thundergust_ first, +last, and all the time, in this world and the next, to resent the +intrusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril into politics." + +The first thing the little rascal did was to write a withering leader +denouncing Mr. Scandril as a "demagogue, the degradation of whose +political opinions was only equaled by the disgustfulness of the family +connections of which those opinions were the spawn!" + +I hastened to point out to Mr. Masthead that it had never been the +policy of the _Thundergust_ to attack the family relations of an +offensive candidate, although this was not strictly true. + +"I am very sorry," he replied, running his head up out of his clothes +till it towered as much as six inches above the table at which he sat; +"no offense, I hope." + +"Oh, none in the world," said I, as carelessly as I could manage it; +"only I don't think it a legitimate--that is, an effective, method of +attack." + +"Mr. Johnson," said he--I was passing as Johnson at that time, I +remember--"Mr. Johnson, I think it _is_ an effective method. Personally +I might perhaps prefer another line of argument in this particular case, +and personally perhaps you might; but in our profession personal +considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we must sink +the individual. In opposing the election of your relative, sir, you have +set the seal of your heavy displeasure upon the sin of nepotism, and for +this I respect you; nepotism must be got under! But in the display of +Roman virtues, sir, we must go the whole hog. When in the interest of +public morality"--Mr. Masthead was now gesticulating earnestly with the +sleeves of his coat--"Virginius stabbed his daughter, was he influenced +by personal considerations? When Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf, +did he not sink the individual?" + +I admitted that he did, but feeling in a contentious mood, prolonged the +discussion by leisurely loading and capping a revolver; but, prescient +of my argument, Mr. Masthead avoided refutation by hastily adjourning +the debate. I sent him a note that evening, filling-in a few of the +details of the policy that I had before sketched in outline. Amongst +other things I submitted that it would be better for us to exalt Mr. +Scandril's opponent than to degrade himself. To this Mr. Masthead +reluctantly assented--"sinking the individual," he reproachfully +explained, "in the dependent employee--the powerless bondsman!" The next +issue of the _Thundergust_ contained, under the heading, "Invigorating +Zephyrs," the following editorial article: + +"Last week we declared our unalterable opposition to the candidacy of +Mr. Jefferson Scandril, and gave reasons for the faith that is in us. +For the first time in its history this paper made a clear, thoughtful, +and adequate avowal and exposition of eternal principle! Abandoning for +the present the stand we then took, let us trace the antecedents of Mr. +Scandril's opponent up to their source. It has been urged against Mr. +Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the lunatic asylum at +Warm Springs, in the adjoining commonwealth of Missouri. This cuckoo +cry--raised though it is by dogs of political darkness--we shall not +stoop to controvert, for it is accidentally true; but next week we shall +show, as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand, that this great +statesman's detractors would probably not derive any benefits from a +residence in the same institution, their mental aberration being +rottenly incurable!" + +I thought this rather strong and not quite to the point; but Masthead +said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very little known in +Claybank, had "served a term" in the Warm Springs asylum, and the issue +must be boldly met--that evasion and denial were but forms of +prostration beneath the iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he seemed +to inflate and expand so as almost to fill his clothes, and the fire of +his eye somehow burned into me an impression--since effaced--that a just +cause is not imperiled by a trifling concession to fact. So, leaving the +matter quite in my editor's hands I went away to keep some important +engagements, the paragraph having involved me in several duels with the +friends of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather hard that I should have to +defend my new editor's policy against the supporters of my own +candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the right and they knew +nothing whatever about the matter in dispute, not one of them having +ever before so much as heard of the now famous Warm Springs asylum. But +I would not shirk even the humblest journalistic duty; I fought these +fellows and acquitted myself as became a man of letters and a +politician. The hurts I got were some time healing, and in the interval +every prominent member of my party who came to Claybank to speak to the +people regarded it as a simple duty to call first at my house, make a +tender inquiry as to the progress of my recovery and leave a challenge. +My physician forbade me to read a line of anything; the consequence was +that Masthead had it all his own way with the paper. In looking over the +old files now, I find that he devoted his entire talent and all the +space of the paper, including what had been the advertising columns, to +confessing that our candidate had been an inmate of a lunatic asylum, +and contemptuously asking the opposing party what they were going to do +about it. + +All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the challenges became +intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. Masthead to whip round to the +other side and support my brother-in-law. Masthead "sank the +individual," and duly announced, with his accustomed frankness, our +change of policy. Then Mr. Broskin came down to Claybank--to thank me! +He was a fine, respectable-looking gentleman, and impressed me very +favorably. But Masthead was in when he called, and the effect upon _him_ +was different. He shrank into a mere heap of old clothes, turned white, +and chattered his teeth. Noting this extraordinary behavior, I at once +sought an explanation. + +"Mr. Broskin," said I, with a meaning glance at the trembling editor, +"from certain indications I am led to fear that owing to some mistake we +may have been doing you an injustice. May I ask you if you were really +ever in the Lunatic asylum at Warm Springs, Missouri?" + +"For three years," he replied, quietly, "I was the physician in charge +of that institution. Your son"--turning to Masthead, who was flying all +sorts of colors--"was, if I mistake not, one of my patients. I learn +that a few weeks ago a friend of yours, named Norton, secured the young +man's release upon your promise to take care of him yourself in future. +I hope that home associations have improved the poor fellow. It's very +sad!" + +It was indeed. Norton was the name of the man to whom I had written for +an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever an obliging fellow. + + + + +WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 9 A.M. + +A man has called to ask "who wrote that article about Mr. Muskler." I +told him to find out, and he says that is what he means to do. He has +consented to amuse himself with the exchanges while I ask you. I don't +approve the article. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 10 A.M. + +Do you happen to remember how Dacier translates _Difficile est proprie +communia dicere_? I've made a note of it somewhere, but can't find it. +If you remember please leave a memorandum of it on your table, and I'll +get it when I come down this afternoon. + +P.S.--Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered about that fellow +Muskler. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 11:30 A.M. + +I can't be impolite to a stranger, you know; I must tell him _somebody_ +wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is drumming on the floor +with the end of his stick; I fear the people in the shop below won't +like it. Besides, the foreman says it disturbs the compositors in the +next room. Suppose you come down. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 1 P.M. + +I have found the note I made of that translation, but it is in French +and I can't make it out. Try the man with the dictionary and the "Books +of Dates." They ought to last him till it's time to close the office. I +shall be down early to-morrow morning. + +P.S.--How big is he? Suggest a civil suit for libel. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 3 P.M. + +He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've offered him the +dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is sitting on my table. +Come at once! + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 5 P.M. + +I don't think I shall. I am doing an article for this week on "The +Present Aspect of the Political Horizon." Expect me _very_ early +to-morrow. You had better turn the man out and shut up the office. + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 8 A.M. + +Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend, the large gentleman who +was with him all day yesterday, is here again. He seems very desirous of +seeing you, and says he will wait. Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought +I would tell you he was here, so that you might hasten down. + +Ought I to allow dogs in the office? The gentleman has a bull-dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 9.30 A.M. + +Certainly _not;_ dogs have fleas. The man is an impostor. Oblige me by +turning him out. I shall come down this afternoon--_early_. + +P.S.--Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with him! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 12 M. + +The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you mind coming down and +reasoning with him? I have a wife and five children depending on me, and +when I lose my temper I am likely to go too far. I would prefer that +_you_ should turn him out. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 2 P.M. + +Do you suppose I can leave my private correspondence to preserve you +from the intrusion and importunities of beggars? Put the scoundrel out +at once--neck and heels! I know him; he's Muskler--don't you remember? +Muskler, the coward, who assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole +circumstances related in last Saturday's issue. Out with him--the +unmanly sneak! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday Evening. + +I have told him to go, and he laughed. So did the bull-dog. But he is +going. He is now making a bed for the pup in one corner of your room, +with some rugs and old newspapers, and appears to be about to go to +dinner. I have given him your address. The foreman wants some copy to go +on with. I beg you will come at once if I am to be left alone with that +dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 10 A.M. + +I should have come down to the office last evening, but you see I have +been moving. My landlady was too filthy dirty for anything! I stood it +as long as I could; then I left. I'm coming directly I get your answer +to this; but I want to know, first, if my blotter has been changed and +my ink-well refilled. This house is a good way out, but the boy can take +the car at the corner of Cobble and Slush streets. + +O!--about that _man_? Of course you have not seen him since. + + +_William Quoin, Foreman, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Wednesday, 12 M. + +I've got your note to Inxling; he ain't come down this morning. I +haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys are all throwing in dead +ads. There's a man and a dog in the proprietor's office; I don't believe +they ought to be there, all alone, but they were here all Monday and +yesterday, and may be connected with the business management of the +paper; so I don't like to order them out. Perhaps you will come down and +speak to them. We shall have to go away if you don't send copy. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to William Quoin, Foreman._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 3 P.M. + +Your note astonishes me. The man you describe is a notorious thief. Get +the compositors all together, and make a rush at him. Don't try to keep +him, but hustle him out of town, and I'll be down as soon as I can get a +button sewn on my collar. + +P.S.--Give it him good!--don't mention my address and he can't complain +to me how you treat him. Bust his bugle! + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Friday, 2 P.M. + +Business has detained me from the office until now, and what do I find? +Not a soul about the place, no copy, not a stickful of live matter on +the galleys! There can be no paper this week. What you have all done +with yourselves I am sure I don't know; one would suppose there had been +smallpox about the place. You will please come down and explain this +Hegira at once--at once, if you please! + +P.S.--That troublesome Muskler--you may remember he dropped in on Monday +to inquire about something or other--has taken a sort of shop exactly +opposite here, and seems, at this distance, to be doing something to a +shotgun. I presume he is a gunsmith. So we are precious well rid of +_him_. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +PIER NO. 3, Friday Evening. + +Just a line or two to say I am suddenly called away to bury my sick +mother. When that is off my mind I'll write you what I know about the +Hegira, the Flight into Egypt, the Retreat of the Ten Thousand, and +whatever else you would like to learn. There is nothing mean about _me!_ +I don't think there has been any wilful desertion. You may engage an +editor for, say, fifty years, with the privilege of keeping him +regularly, if, at the end of that time, I should break my neck hastening +back. + +P.S.--I hope that poor fellow Muskier will make a fair profit in the +gunsmithing line. Jump him for an ad! + + + + +CORRUPTING THE PRESS + + +When Joel Bird was up for Governor of Missouri, Sam Henly was editing +the Berrywood _Bugle_; and no sooner was the nomination made by the +State Convention than he came out hot against the party. He was an able +writer, was Sam, and the lies he invented about our candidate were +shocking! That, however, we endured very well, but presently Sam turned +squarely about and began telling the truth. _This_ was a little too +much; the County Committee held a hasty meeting, and decided that it +must be stopped; so I, Henry Barber, was sent for to make arrangements +to that end. I knew something of Sam: had purchased him several times, +and I estimated his present value at about one thousand dollars. This +seemed to the committee a reasonable figure, and on my mentioning it to +Sam he said "he thought that about the fair thing; it should never be +said that the _Bugle_ was a hard paper to deal with." There was, +however, some delay in raising the money; the candidates for the local +offices had not disposed of their autumn hogs yet, and were in financial +straits. Some of them contributed a pig each, one gave twenty bushels of +corn, another a flock of chickens; and the man who aspired to the +distinction of County Judge paid his assessment with a wagon. These +things had to be converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the +meantime Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our +political camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his hand; he +invariably replied that it was no bargain until he had the money. The +committeemen were furious; it required all my eloquence to prevent their +declaring the contract null and void; but at last a new, clean one +thousand-dollar note was passed over to me, which in hot haste I +transferred to Sam at his residence. + +That evening there was a meeting of the committee: all seemed in high +spirits again, except Hooker of Jayhawk. This old wretch sat back and +shook his head during the entire session, and just before adjournment +said, as he took his hat to go, that p'r'aps'twas orl right and on the +squar'; maybe thar war'n't any shenannigan, but _he_ war dubersome--yes, +he war dubersome. The old curmudgeon repeated this until I was +exasperated beyond restraint. + +"Mr. Hooker," said I, "I've known Sam Henly ever since he was _so_ high, +and there isn't an honester man in old Missouri. Sam Henly's word is as +good as his note! What's more, if any gentleman thinks he would enjoy a +first-class funeral, and if he will supply the sable accessories, I'll +supply the corpse. And he can take it home with him from this meeting." + +At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving. + +Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next day. When I +stepped into the street I saw at once that something was "up." There +were knots of people gathered at the corners, some reading eagerly that +morning's issue of the _Bugle_, some gesticulating, and others stalking +moodily about muttering curses, not loud but deep. Suddenly I heard an +excited clamor--a confused roar of many lungs, and the trampling of +innumerable feet. In this babel of noises I could distinguish the words +"Kill him!" "Wa'm his hide!" and so forth; and, looking up the street, I +saw what seemed to be the whole male population racing down it. I am +very excitable, and, though I did not know whose hide was to be warmed, +nor why anyone was to be killed, I shot off in front of the howling +masses, shouting "Kill him!" and "Warm his hide!" as loudly as the +loudest, all the time looking out for the victim. Down the street we +flew like a storm; then I turned a corner, thinking the scoundrel must +have gone up _that_ street; then bolted through a public square; over a +bridge; under an arch; finally back into the main street; yelling like a +panther, and resolved to slaughter the first human being I should +overtake. The crowd followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as +I shrieked, and--all at once it came to me that _I_ was the man whose +hide was to be warmed! + +It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery gave me; +happily I was within a few yards of the committee-rooms, and into these +I dashed, closing and bolting the doors behind me, and mounting the +stairs like a flash. The committee was in solemn session, sitting in a +nice, even row on the front benches, each man with his elbows on his +knees, and his chin resting in the palms of his hands--thinking. At each +man's feet lay a neglected copy of the _Bugle_. Every member fixed his +eyes on me, but no one stirred, none uttered a sound. There was +something awful in this preternatural silence, made more impressive by +the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside, breaking down the door. I could +endure it no longer, but strode forward and snatched up the paper lying +at the feet of the chairman. At the head of the editorial columns, in +letters half an inch long, were the following amazing head-lines: + +"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The Vampires +Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game! The Rat Gnaws a File! The +Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod Over a Free People! Base +Endeavor to Bribe the Editor of this Paper with _a Twenty-Dollar Note_! +The Money Given to the Orphan Asylum." + +I read no farther, but stood stockstill in the center of the floor, and +fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it seemed a mere trifle. +Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did not know there was so much money +in the world. Twenty--no, eighty--one thousand dollars! There were big, +black figures floating all over the floor. Incessant cataracts of them +poured down the walls, stopped, and shied off as I looked at them, and +began to go it again when I lowered my eyes. Occasionally the figures 20 +would take shape somewhere about the floor, and then the figures 980 +would slide up and overlay them. Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's +dream, they would all march away and devour the fat naughts of the +number 1,000. And dancing like gnats in the air were myriads of little +caduceus-like, phantoms, thus--$$$$$. I could not at all make it out, +but began to comprehend my position directly Old Hooker, without moving +from his seat, began to drown the noise of countless feet on the stairs +by elevating his thin falsetto: + +"P'r'aps, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mr. Henly can't +tell a lie; but I'm powerful dubersome that thar's a balyance dyue this +yer committee from the gent who hez the flo'--if he ain't done gone laid +it yout fo' sable ac--ac--fo' fyirst-class funerals." + +I felt at that moment as if I should like to play the leading character +in a first-class funeral myself. I felt that every man in my position +ought to have a nice, comfortable coffin, with a silver door-plate, a +foot-warmer, and bay-windows for his ears. How do you suppose you would +have felt? + +My leap from the window of that committee room, my speed in streaking it +for the adjacent forest, my self-denial in ever afterward resisting the +impulse to return to Berrywood and look after my political and material +interests there--these I have always considered things to be justly +proud of, and I hope I am proud of them. + + + + +"THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" + +HOW ANOTHER MAN'S WAS SOUGHT AND PRICKED + + +It was a stormy night in the autumn of 1930. The hour was about eleven. +San Francisco lay in darkness, for the laborers at the gas works had +struck and destroyed the company's property because a newspaper to which +a cousin of the manager was a subscriber had censured the course of a +potato merchant related by marriage to a member of the Knights of +Leisure. Electric lights had not at that period been reinvented. The sky +was filled with great masses of black cloud which, driven rapidly across +the star-fields by winds unfelt on the earth and momentarily altering +their fantastic forms, seemed instinct with a life and activity of their +own and endowed with awful powers of evil, to the exercise of which they +might at any time set their malignant will. + +An observer standing, at this time, at the corner of Paradise avenue and +Great White Throne walk in Sorrel Hill cemetery would have seen a human +figure moving among the graves toward the Superintendent's residence. +Dimly and fitfully visible in the intervals of thinner gloom, this +figure had a most uncanny and disquieting aspect. A long black cloak +shrouded it from neck to heel. Upon its head was a slouch hat, pulled +down across the forehead and almost concealing the face, which was +further hidden by a half-mask, only the beard being occasionally visible +as the head was lifted partly above the collar of the cloak. The man +wore upon his feet jack-boots whose wide, funnel-shaped legs had settled +down in many a fold and crease about his ankles, as could be seen +whenever accident parted the bottom of the cloak. His arms were +concealed, but sometimes he stretched out the right to steady himself by +a headstone as he crept stealthily but blindly over the uneven ground. +At such times a close scrutiny of the hand would have disclosed in the +palm the hilt of a poniard, the blade of which lay along the wrist, +hidden in the sleeve. In short, the man's garb, his movements, the +hour--everything proclaimed him a reporter. + +But what did he there? + +On the morning of that day the editor of the _Daily Malefactor_ had +touched the button of a bell numbered 216 and in response to the summons +Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, reporter, had been shot into the room out of an +inclined tube. + +"I understand," said the editor, "that you are 216--am I right?" + +"That," said the reporter, catching his breath and adjusting his +clothing, both somewhat disordered by the celerity of his flight through +the tube,--"that is my number." + +"Information has reached us," continued the editor, "that the +Superintendent of the Sorrel Hill cemetery--one Inhumio, whose very name +suggests inhumanity--is guilty of the grossest outrages in the +administration of the great trust confided to his hands by the sovereign +people." + +"The cemetery is private property," faintly suggested 216. + +"It is alleged," continued the great man, disdaining to notice the +interruption, "that in violation of popular rights he refuses to permit +his accounts to be inspected by representatives of the press." + +"Under the law, you know, he is responsible to the directors of the +cemetery company," the reporter ventured to interject. + +"They say," pursued the editor, heedless, "that the inmates are in many +cases badly lodged and insufficiently clad, and that in consequence they +are usually cold. It is asserted that they are never fed--except to the +worms. Statements have been made to the effect that males and females +are permitted to occupy the same quarters, to the incalculable detriment +of public morality. Many clandestine villainies are alleged of this +fiend in human shape, and it is desirable that his underground methods +be unearthed in the _Malefactor_. If he resists we will drag his family +skeleton from the privacy of his domestic closet. There is money in it +for the paper, fame for you--are you ambitious, 216?" + +"I am--bitious." + +"Go, then," cried the editor, rising and waving his hand +imperiously--"go and 'seek the bubble reputation'." + +"The bubble shall be sought," the young man replied, and leaping into a +man-hole in the floor, disappeared. A moment later the editor, who after +dismissing his subordinate, had stood motionless, as if lost in thought, +sprang suddenly to the man-hole and shouted down it: "Hello, 216?" + +"Aye, aye, sir," came up a faint and far reply. + +"About that 'bubble reputation'--you understand, I suppose, that the +reputation which you are to seek is that of the other man." + +In the execution of his duty, in the hope of his employer's approval, in +the costume of his profession, Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, otherwise known +as 216, has already occupied a place in the mind's eye of the +intelligent reader. Alas for poor Mr. Inhumio! + +A few days after these events that fearless, independent and +enterprising guardian and guide of the public, the San Francisco _Daily +Malefactor_, contained a whole-page article whose headlines are here +presented with some necessary typographical mitigation: + +"Hell Upon Earth! Corruption Rampant in the Management of the Sorrel +Hill Cemetery. The Sacred City of the Dead in the Leprous Clutches of a +Demon in Human Form. Fiendish Atrocities Committed in 'God's Acre.' The +Holy Dead Thrown around Loose. Fragments of Mothers. Segregation of a +Beautiful Young Lady Who in Life Was the Light of a Happy Household. A +Superintendent Who Is an Ex-Convict. How He Murdered His Neighbor to +Start the Cemetery. He Buries His Own Dead Elsewhere. Extraordinary +Insolence to a Representative of the Public Press. Little Eliza's Last +Words: 'Mamma, Feed Me to the Pigs.' A Moonshiner Who Runs an Illicit +Bone-Button Factory in One Corner of the Grounds. Buried Head Downward. +Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies. Dancing on the Dead. Devilish +Mutilation--a Pile of Late Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears. No +Separation of the Sexes; Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded. 'Veal' as +Supplied to the Superintendent's Employees. A Miscreant's Record from +His Birth. Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong +Indications of Collusion. Nameless Abnormalities. 'Doubled Up Like a +Nut-Cracker.' 'Wasn't Planted White.' Horribly Significant Reduction in +the Price of Lard. The Question of the Hour: Whom Do You Fry Your +Doughnuts In?" + + + + +THE OCEAN WAVE + + + + +A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION + + +As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and not a bit +nice, and she hoped I never, never _would_ come back. So I shipped as +mate on the _Mudlark_, bound from London to wherever the captain might +think it expedient to sail. It had not been thought advisable to hamper +Captain Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, +it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way to make +the voyage unprofitable. The owners of the _Mudlark_ had grown wise in +their generation, and now let him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying +such cargoes as he fancied to ports where the nicest women were. On the +voyage of which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would +only make the _Mudlark_ heavy and slow. To hear this mariner talk one +would have supposed he did not know very much about commerce. + +We had a few passengers--not nearly so many as we had laid in basins and +stewards for; for before coming off to the ship most of those who had +bought tickets would inquire whither she was bound, and when not +informed would go back to their hotels and send a bandit on board to +remove their baggage. But there were enough left to be rather +troublesome. They cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when +drunk, and the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the +forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship's compass. +They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let the big anchor go, +just to hear it plunge in the water, threatening in case of refusal to +write to the newspapers. A favorite amusement with them was to sit in +the lee of the bulwarks, relating their experiences in former +voyages--voyages distinguished in every instance by two remarkable +features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes and the entire +immunity of the narrator from seasickness. It was very interesting to +see them sitting in a row telling these things, each man with a basin +between his legs. + +One day there arose a great storm. The sea walked over the ship as if it +had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy it all it could. The +_Mudlark_ labored very much--far more, indeed, than the crew did; for +these innocents had discovered in possession of one of their number a +pair of leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play +cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had owned them +a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed over to the winner that +there was little but the seat remaining, and that immortal part the +captain finally kicked overboard--not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly +spirit, but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of trousers. + +The storm increased in violence until it succeeded in so straining the +_Mudlark_ that she took in water like a teetotaler; then it appeared to +get relief directly. This may be said in justice to a storm at sea: when +it has broken off your masts, pulled out your rudder, carried away your +boats and made a nice hole in some inaccessible part of your hull it +will often go away in search of a fresh ship, leaving you to take such +measures for your comfort as you may think fit. In our case the captain +thought fit to sit on the taffrail reading a three-volume novel. + +Seeing he had got about half way through the second volume, at which +point the lovers would naturally be involved in the most hopeless and +heart-rending difficulties, I thought he would be in a particularly +cheerful humor, so I approached him and informed him the ship was going +down. + +"Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his forefinger between +the pages to mark his place, "she never would be good for much after +such a shaking-up as this. But, I say--I wish you would just send the +bo'sn for'd there to break up that prayer-meeting. The _Mudlark_ isn't a +seamen's chapel, I suppose." + +"But," I replied, impatiently, "can't something be done to lighten the +ship?" + +"Well," he drawled, reflectively, "seeing she hasn't any masts left to +cut away, nor any cargo to--stay, you might throw over some of the +heaviest of the passengers if you think it would do any good." + +It was a happy thought--the intuition of genius. Walking rapidly forward +to the foc'sle, which, being highest out of water, was crowded with +passengers, I seized a stout old gentleman by the nape of the neck, +pushed him up to the rail, and chucked him over. He did not touch the +water: he fell on the apex of a cone of sharks which sprang up from the +sea to meet him, their noses gathered to a point, their tails just +clearing the surface. I think it unlikely that the old gentleman knew +what disposition had been made of him. Next, I hurled over a woman and +flung a fat baby to the wild winds. The former was sharked out of sight, +the same as the old man; the latter divided amongst the gulls. + +I am relating these things exactly as they occurred. It would be very +easy to make a fine story out of all this material--to tell how that, +while I was engaged in lightening the ship, I was touched by the +self-sacrificing spirit of a beautiful young woman, who, to save the +life of her lover, pushed her aged mother forward to where I was +operating, imploring me to take the old lady, but spare, O, spare her +dear Henry. I might go on to set forth how that I not only did take the +old lady, as requested, but immediately seized dear Henry, and sent him +flying as far as I could to leeward, having first broken his back across +the rail and pulled a double-fistful of his curly hair out. I might +proceed to state that, feeling appeased, I then stole the long boat and +taking the beautiful maiden pulled away from the ill-fated ship to the +church of St. Massaker, Fiji, where we were united by a knot which I +afterward untied with my teeth by eating her. But, in truth, nothing of +all this occurred, and I can not afford to be the first writer to tell a +lie just to interest the reader. What really did occur is this: as I +stood on the quarter-deck, heaving over the passengers, one after +another, Captain Abersouth, having finished his novel, walked aft and +quietly hove _me_ over. + +The sensations of a drowning man have been so often related that I shall +only briefly explain that memory at once displayed her treasures: all +the scenes of my eventful life crowded, though without confusion or +fighting, into my mind. I saw my whole career spread out before me, like +a map of Central Africa since the discovery of the gorilla. There were +the cradle in which I had lain, as a child, stupefied with soothing +syrups; the perambulator, seated in which and propelled from behind, I +overthrew the schoolmaster, and in which my infantile spine received its +curvature; the nursery-maid, surrendering her lips alternately to me and +the gardener; the old home of my youth, with the ivy and the mortgage on +it; my eldest brother, who by will succeeded to the family debts; my +sister, who ran away with the Count von Pretzel, coachman to a most +respectable New York family; my mother, standing in the attitude of a +saint, pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent +palpitators from Madame Fahertini's; my venerable father, sitting in his +chimney corner, his silvered head bowed upon his breast, his withered +hands crossed patiently in his lap, waiting with Christian resignation +for death, and drunk as a lord--all this, and much more, came before my +mind's eye, and there was no charge for admission to the show. Then +there was a ringing sound in my ears, my senses swam better than I +could, and as I sank down, down, through fathomless depths, the amber +light falling through the water above my head failed and darkened into +blackness. Suddenly my feet struck something firm--it was the bottom. +Thank heaven, I was saved! + + + + +THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" + + +This ship was named the _Camel_. In some ways she was an extraordinary +vessel. She measured six hundred tons; but when she had taken in enough +ballast to keep her from upsetting like a shot duck, and was provisioned +for a three months' voyage, it was necessary to be mighty fastidious in +the choice of freight and passengers. For illustration, as she was about +to leave port a boat came alongside with two passengers, a man and his +wife. They had booked the day before, but had remained ashore to get one +more decent meal before committing themselves to the "briny cheap," as +the man called the ship's fare. The woman came aboard, and the man was +preparing to follow, when the captain leaned over the side and saw him. + +"Well," said the captain, "what do _you_ want?" + +"What do _I_ want?" said the man, laying hold of the ladder. "I'm +a-going to embark in this here ship--that's what I want." + +"Not with all that fat on you," roared the captain. "You don't weigh an +ounce less than eighteen stone, and I've got to have in my anchor yet. +You wouldn't have me leave the anchor, I suppose?" + +The man said he did not care about the anchor--he was just as God had +made him (he looked as if his cook had had something to do with it) and, +sink or swim, he purposed embarking in that ship. A good deal of +wrangling ensued, but one of the sailors finally threw the man a cork +life-preserver, and the captain said that would lighten him and he might +come abroad. + +This was Captain Abersouth, formerly of the _Mudlark_--as good a seaman +as ever sat on the taffrail reading a three volume novel. Nothing could +equal this man's passion for literature. For every voyage he laid in so +many bales of novels that there was no stowage for the cargo. There were +novels in the hold, and novels between-decks, and novels in the saloon, +and in the passengers' beds. + +The _Camel_ had been designed and built by her owner, an architect in +the City, and she looked about as much like a ship as Noah's Ark did. +She had bay windows and a veranda; a cornice and doors at the +water-line. These doors had knockers and servant's bells. There had been +a futile attempt at an area. The passenger saloon was on the upper deck, +and had a tile roof. To this humplike structure the ship owed her name. +Her designer had erected several churches--that of St. Ignotus is still +used as a brewery in Hotbath Meadows--and, possessed of the ecclesiastic +idea, had given the _Camel_ a transept; but, finding this impeded her +passage through the water, he had it removed. This weakened the vessel +amidships. The mainmast was something like a steeple. It had a +weathercock. From this spire the eye commanded one of the finest views +in England. + +Such was the _Camel_ when I joined her in 1864 for a voyage of discovery +to the South Pole. The expedition was under the "auspices" of the Royal +Society for the Promotion of Fair Play. At a meeting of this excellent +association, it had been "resolved" that the partiality of science for +the North Pole was an invidious distinction between two objects equally +meritorious; that Nature had marked her disapproval of it in the case of +Sir John Franklin and many of his imitators; that it served them very +well right; that this enterprise should be undertaken as a protest +against the spirit of undue bias; and, finally, that no part of the +responsibility or expense should devolve upon the society in its +corporate character, but any individual member might contribute to the +fund if he were fool enough. It is only common justice to say that none +of them was. The _Camel_ merely parted her cable one day while I +happened to be on board--drifted out of the harbor southward, followed +by the execrations of all who knew her, and could not get back. In two +months she had crossed the equator, and the heat began to grow +insupportable. + +Suddenly we were becalmed. There had been a fine breeze up to three +o'clock in the afternoon and the ship had made as much as two knots an +hour when without a word of warning the sails began to belly the wrong +way, owing to the impetus that the ship had acquired; and then, as this +expired, they hung as limp and lifeless as the skirts of a clawhammer +coat. The _Camel_ not only stood stock still but moved a little backward +toward England. Old Ben the boatswain said that he'd never knowed but +one deader calm, and that, he explained, was when Preacher Jack, the +reformed sailor, had got excited in a sermon in a seaman's chapel and +shouted that the Archangel Michael would chuck the Dragon into the brig +and give him a taste of the rope's-end, damn his eyes! + +We lay in this woful state for the better part of a year, when, growing +impatient, the crew deputed me to look up the captain and see if +something could not be done about it. I found him in a remote cobwebby +corner between-decks, with a book in his hand. On one side of him, the +cords newly cut, were three bales of "Ouida"; on the other a mountain of +Miss M.E. Braddon towered above his head. He had finished "Ouida" and +was tackling Miss Braddon. He was greatly changed. + +"Captain Abersouth," said I, rising on tiptoe so as to overlook the +lower slopes of Mrs. Braddon, "will you be good enough to tell me how +long this thing is going on?" + +"Can't say, I'm sure," he replied without pulling his eyes off the page. +"They'll probably make up about the middle of the book. In the meantime +old Pondronummus will foul his top-hamper and take out his papers for +Looney Haven, and young Monshure de Boojower will come in for a million. +Then if the proud and fair Angelica doesn't luff and come into his wake +after pizening that sea lawyer, Thundermuzzle, I don't know nothing +about the deeps and shallers of the human heart." + +I could not take so hopeful a view of the situation, and went on deck, +feeling very much discouraged. I had no sooner got my head out than I +observed that the ship was moving at a high rate of speed! + +We had on board a bullock and a Dutchman. The bullock was chained by the +neck to the foremast, but the Dutchman was allowed a good deal of +liberty, being shut up at night only. There was bad blood between the +two--a feud of long standing, having its origin in the Dutchman's +appetite for milk and the bullock's sense of personal dignity; the +particular cause of offense it would be tedious to relate. Taking +advantage of his enemy's afternoon _siesta_, the Dutchman had now +managed to sneak by him, and had gone out on the bowsprit to fish. When +the animal waked and saw the other creature enjoying himself he +straddled his chain, leveled his horns, got his hind feet against the +mast and laid a course for the offender. The chain was strong, the mast +firm, and the ship, as Byron says, "walked the water like a thing of +course." + +After that we kept the Dutchman right where he was, night and day, the +old _Camel_ making better speed than she had ever done in the most +favorable gale. We held due south. + +We had now been a long time without sufficient food, particularly meat. +We could spare neither the bullock nor the Dutchman; and the ship's +carpenter, that traditional first aid to the famished, was a mere bag of +bones. The fish would neither bite nor be bitten. Most of the +running-tackle of the ship had been used for macaroni soup; all the +leather work, our shoes included, had been devoured in omelettes; with +oakum and tar we had made fairly supportable salad. After a brief +experimental career as tripe the sails had departed this life forever. +Only two courses remained from which to choose; we could eat one +another, as is the etiquette of the sea, or partake of Captain +Abersouth's novels. Dreadful alternative!--but a choice. And it is +seldom, I think, that starving sailormen are offered a shipload of the +best popular authors ready-roasted by the critics. + +We ate that fiction. The works that the captain had thrown aside lasted +six months, for most of them were by the best-selling authors and were +pretty tough. After they were gone--of course some had to be given to +the bullock and the Dutchman--we stood by the captain, taking the other +books from his hands as he finished them. Sometimes, when we were +apparently at our last gasp, he would skip a whole page of moralizing, +or a bit of description; and always, as soon as he clearly foresaw the +_dénoûement_--which he generally did at about the middle of the second +volume--the work was handed over to us without a word of repining. + +The effect of this diet was not unpleasant but remarkable. Physically, +it sustained us; mentally, it exalted us; morally, it made us but a +trifle worse than we were. We talked as no human beings ever talked +before. Our wit was polished but without point. As in a stage broadsword +combat, every cut has its parry, so in our conversation every remark +suggested the reply, and this necessitated a certain rejoinder. The +sequence once interrupted, the whole was bosh; when the thread was +broken the beads were seen to be waxen and hollow. + +We made love to one another, and plotted darkly in the deepest obscurity +of the hold. Each set of conspirators had its proper listener at the +hatch. These, leaning too far over would bump their heads together and +fight. Occasionally there was confusion amongst them: two or more would +assert a right to overhear the same plot. I remember at one time the +cook, the carpenter, the second assistant-surgeon, and an able seaman +contended with handspikes for the honor of betraying my confidence. Once +there were three masked murderers of the second watch bending at the +same instant over the sleeping form of a cabin-boy, who had been heard +to mutter, a week previously, that he had "Gold! gold!" the accumulation +of eighty--yes, eighty--years' piracy on the high seas, while sitting as +M.P. for the borough of Zaccheus-cum-Down, and attending church +regularly. I saw the captain of the foretop surrounded by suitors for +his hand, while he was himself fingering the edge of a packing-case, and +singing an amorous ditty to a lady-love shaving at a mirror. + +Our diction consisted, in about equal parts, of classical allusion, +quotation from the stable, simper from the scullery, cant from the +clubs, and the technical slang of heraldry. We boasted much of ancestry, +and admired the whiteness of our hands whenever the skin was visible +through a fault in the grease and tar. Next to love, the vegetable +kingdom, murder, arson, adultery and ritual, we talked most of art. The +wooden figure-head of the _Camel_, representing a Guinea nigger +detecting a bad smell, and the monochrome picture of two back-broken +dolphins on the stern, acquired a new importance. The Dutchman had +destroyed the nose of the one by kicking his toes against it, and the +other was nearly obliterated by the slops of the cook; but each had its +daily pilgrimage, and each constantly developed occult beauties of +design and subtle excellences of execution. On the whole we were greatly +altered; and if the supply of contemporary fiction had been equal to the +demand, the _Camel_, I fear, would not have been strong enough to +contain the moral and æsthetic forces fired by the maceration of the +brains of authors in the gastric juices of sailors. + +Having now got the ship's literature off his mind into ours, the captain +went on deck for the first time since leaving port. We were still +steering the same course, and, taking his first observation of the sun, +the captain discovered that we were in latitude 83° south. The heat was +insufferable; the air was like the breath of a furnace within a furnace. +The sea steamed like a boiling cauldron, and in the vapor our bodies +were temptingly parboiled--our ultimate meal was preparing. Warped by +the sun, the ship held both ends high out of the water; the deck of the +forecastle was an inclined plane, on which the bullock labored at a +disadvantage; but the bowsprit was now vertical and the Dutchman's +tenure precarious. A thermometer hung against the mainmast, and we +grouped ourselves about it as the captain went up to examine the +register. + +"One hundred and ninety degrees Fahrenheit!" he muttered in evident +astonishment. "Impossible!" Turning sharply about, he ran his eyes over +us, and inquired in a peremptory tone, "who's been in command while I +was runnin' my eye over that book?" + +"Well, captain," I replied, as respectfully as I knew how, "the fourth +day out I had the unhappiness to be drawn into a dispute about a game of +cards with your first and second officers. In the absence of those +excellent seamen, sir, I thought it my duty to assume control of the +ship." + +"Killed 'em, hey?" + +"Sir, they committed suicide by questioning the efficacy of four kings +and an ace." + +"Well, you lubber, what have you to say in defense of this extraordinary +weather?" + +"Sir, it is no fault of mine. We are far--very far south, and it is now +the middle of July. The weather is uncomfortable, I admit; but +considering the latitude and season, it is not, I protest, +unseasonable." + +"Latitude and season!" he shrieked, livid with rage--"latitude and +season! Why, you junk-rigged, flat-bottomed, meadow lugger, don't you +know any better than that? Didn't yer little baby brother ever tell ye +that southern latitudes is colder than northern, and that July is the +middle o' winter here? Go below, you son of a scullion, or I'll break +your bones!" + +"Oh! very well," I replied; "I'm not going to stay on deck and listen to +such low language as that, I warn you. Have it your own way." + +The words had no sooner left my lips, than a piercing cold wind caused +me to cast my eye upon the thermometer. In the new régime of science the +mercury was descending rapidly; but in a moment the instrument was +obscured by a blinding fall of snow. Towering icebergs rose from the +water on every side, hanging their jagged masses hundreds of feet above +the masthead, and shutting us completely in. The ship twisted and +writhed; her decks bulged upward, and every timber groaned and cracked +like the report of a pistol. The _Camel_ was frozen fast. The jerk of +her sudden stopping snapped the bullock's chain, and sent both that +animal and the Dutchman over the bows, to accomplish their warfare on +the ice. + +Elbowing my way forward to go below, as I had threatened, I saw the crew +tumble to the deck on either hand like ten-pins. They were frozen stiff. +Passing the captain, I asked him sneeringly how he liked the weather +under the new régime. He replied with a vacant stare. The chill had +penetrated to the brain, and affected his mind. He murmured: + +"In this delightful spot, happy in the world's esteem, and surrounded by +all that makes existence dear, they passed the remainder of their lives. +The End." + +His jaw dropped. The captain of the _Camel_ was dead. + + + + +THE MAN OVERBOARD + + +I + +The good ship _Nupple-duck_ was drifting rapidly upon a sunken coral +reef, which seemed to extend a reasonless number of leagues to the right +and left without a break, and I was reading Macaulay's "Naseby Fight" to +the man at the wheel. Everything was, in fact, going on as nicely as +heart could wish, when Captain Abersouth, standing on the +companion-stair, poked his head above deck and asked where we were. +Pausing in my reading, I informed him that we had got as far as the +disastrous repulse of Prince Rupert's cavalry, adding that if he would +have the goodness to hold his jaw we should be making it awkward for the +wounded in about three minutes, and he might bear a hand at the pockets +of the slain. Just then the ship struck heavily, and went down! + +Calling another ship, I stepped aboard, and gave directions to be taken +to No. 900 Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt; then, walking aft +to the man at the wheel, asked him if he would like to hear me read +"Naseby Fight." He thought he would: he would like to hear that, and +then I might pass on to something else--Kinglake's "Crimean War," the +proceedings at the trial of Warren Hastings, or some such trifle, just +to wile away the time till eight bells. + +All this time heavy clouds had been gathering along the horizon directly +in front of the ship, and a deputation of passengers now came to the man +at the wheel to demand that she be put about, or she would run into +them, which the spokesman explained would be unusual. I thought at the +time that it certainly was not the regular thing to do, but, as I was +myself only a passenger, did not deem it expedient to take a part in the +heated discussion that ensued; and, after all, it did not seem likely +that the weather in those clouds would be much worse than that in +Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt. + +It was finally decided to refer the matter to arbitration, and after +many names had been submitted and rejected by both sides, it was agreed +that the captain of the ship should act as arbitrator if his consent +could be obtained, and I was delegated to conduct the negotiations to +that end. With considerable difficulty, I persuaded him to accept the +responsibility. + +He was a feeble-minded sort of fellow named Troutbeck, who was always in +a funk lest he should make enemies; never reflecting that most men would +a little rather be his enemies than not. He had once been the ship's +cook, but had cooked so poisonously ill that he had been forcibly +transferred from galley to quarter-deck by the dyspeptic survivors of +his culinary career. + +The little captain went aft with me to listen to arguments of the +dissatisfied passengers and the obstinate steersman, as to whether we +should take our chances in the clouds, or tail off and run for the +opposite horizon; but on approaching the wheel, we found both helmsman +and passengers in a condition of profound astonishment, rolling their +eyes about towards every point of the compass, and shaking their heads +in hopeless perplexity. It was rather remarkable, certainly: the bank of +cloud which had worried the landsmen was now directly astern, and the +ship was cutting along lively in her own wake, toward the point from +which she had come, and straight away from Tottenham Court Road! +Everybody declared it was a miracle; the chaplain was piped up for +prayers, and the man at the wheel was as truly penitent as if he had +been detected robbing an empty poor-box. + +The explanation was simple enough, and dawned upon me the moment I saw +how matters stood. During the dispute between the helmsman and the +deputation, the former had renounced his wheel to gesticulate, and I, +thinking no harm, had amused myself, during a rather tedious debate, by +revolving the thing this way and that, and had unconsciously put the +ship about. By a coincidence not unusual in low latitudes, the wind had +effected a corresponding transposition at the same time, and was now +bowling us as merrily back toward the place where I had embarked, as it +had previously wafted us in the direction of Tottenham Court Road, where +I had an aunt. I must here so far anticipate, as to explain that some +years later these various incidents--particularly the reading of "Naseby +Fight"--led to the adoption, in our mercantile marine, of a rule which I +believe is still extant, to the effect that one must not speak to the +man at the wheel unless the man at the wheel speaks first. + + +II + +It is only by inadvertence that I have omitted the information that the +vessel in which I was now a pervading influence was the _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck, master), of Malvern Heights. + +The _Bonnyclabber's_ reactionary course had now brought her to the spot +at which I had taken passage. Passengers and crew, fatigued by their +somewhat awkward attempts to manifest their gratitude for our miraculous +deliverance from the cloud-bank, were snoring peacefully in unconsidered +attitudes about the deck, when the lookout man, perched on the supreme +extremity of the mainmast, consuming a cold sausage, began an apparently +preconcerted series of extraordinary and unimaginable noises. He +coughed, sneezed, and barked simultaneously--bleated in one breath, and +cackled in the next--sputteringly shrieked, and chatteringly squealed, +with a bass of suffocated roars. There were desolutory vocal explosions, +tapering off in long wails, half smothered in unintelligible small-talk. +He whistled, wheezed, and trumpeted; began to sharp, thought better of +it and flatted; neighed like a horse, and then thundered like a drum! +Through it all he continued making incomprehensible signals with one +hand while clutching his throat with the other. Presently he gave it up, +and silently descended to the deck. + +By this time we were all attention; and no sooner had he set foot +amongst us, than he was assailed with a tempest of questions which, had +they been visible, would have resembled a flight of pigeons. He made no +reply--not even by a look, but passed through our enclosing mass with a +grim, defiant step, a face deathly white, and a set of the jaw as of one +repressing an ambitious dinner, or ignoring a venomous toothache. For +the poor man was choking! + +Passing down the companion-way, the patient sought the surgeon's cabin, +with the ship's company at his heels. The surgeon was fast asleep, the +lark-like performance at the masthead having been inaudible in that +lower region. While some of us were holding a whisky-bottle to the +medical nose, in order to apprise the medical intelligence of the demand +upon it, the patient seated himself in statuesque silence. By this time +his pallor, which was but the mark of a determined mind, had given place +to a fervent crimson, which visibly deepened into a pronounced purple, +and was ultimately superseded by a clouded blue, shot through with +opalescent gleams, and smitten with variable streaks of black. The face +was swollen and shapeless, the neck puffy. The eyes protruded like pegs +of a hat-stand. + +Pretty soon the doctor was got awake, and after making a careful +examination of his patient, remarking that it was a lovely case of +_stopupagus oesophagi_, took a tool and set to work, producing with no +difficulty a cold sausage of the size, figure, and general bearing of a +somewhat self-important banana. The operation had been performed amid +breathless silence, but the moment it was concluded the patient, whose +neck and head had visibly collapsed, sprang to his feet and shouted: + +"Man overboard!" + +That is what he had been trying to say. + +There was a confused rush to the upper deck, and everybody flung +something over the ship's side--a life-belt, a chicken-coop, a coil of +rope, a spar, an old sail, a pocket handkerchief, an iron crowbar--any +movable article which it was thought might be useful to a drowning man +who had followed the vessel during the hour that had elapsed since the +initial alarm at the mast-head. In a few moments the ship was pretty +nearly dismantled of everything that could be easily renounced, and some +excitable passenger having cut away the boats there was nothing more +that we could do, though the chaplain explained that if the ill-fated +gentleman in the wet did not turn up after a while it was his intention +to stand at the stern and read the burial service of the Church of +England. + +Presently it occurred to some ingenious person to inquire who had gone +overboard, and all hands being mustered and the roll called, to our +great chagrin every man answered to his name, passengers and all! +Captain Troutbeck, however, held that in a matter of so great importance +a simple roll-call was insufficient, and with an assertion of authority +that was encouraging insisted that every person on board be separately +sworn. The result was the same; nobody was missing and the captain, +begging pardon for having doubted our veracity, retired to his cabin to +avoid further responsibility, but expressed a hope that for the purpose +of having everything properly recorded in the log-book we would apprise +him of any further action that we might think it advisable to take. I +smiled as I remembered that in the interest of the unknown gentleman +whose peril we had overestimated I had flung the log-book over the +ship's side. + +Soon afterward I felt suddenly inspired with one of those great ideas +that come to most men only once or twice in a lifetime, and to the +ordinary story teller never. Hastily reconvening the ship's company I +mounted the capstan and thus addressed them: + +"Shipmates, there has been a mistake. In the fervor of an ill-considered +compassion we have made pretty free with certain movable property of an +eminent firm of shipowners of Malvern Heights. For this we shall +undoubtedly be called to account if we are ever so fortunate as to drop +anchor in Tottenham Court Road, where I have an aunt. It would add +strength to our defence if we could show to the satisfaction of a jury +of our peers that in heeding the sacred promptings of humanity we had +acted with some small degree of common sense. If, for example, we could +make it appear that there really was a man overboard, who might have +been comforted and sustained by the material consolation that we so +lavishly dispensed in the form of buoyant articles belonging to others, +the British heart would find in that fact a mitigating circumstance +pleading eloquently in our favor. Gentlemen and ship's officers, I +venture to propose that we do now throw a man overboard." + +The effect was electrical: the motion was carried by acclamation and +there was a unanimous rush for the now wretched mariner whose false +alarm at the masthead was the cause of our embarrassment, but on second +thoughts it was decided to substitute Captain Troutbeck, as less +generally useful and more undeviatingly in error. The sailor had made +one mistake of considerable magnitude, but the captain's entire +existence was a mistake altogether. He was fetched up from his cabin and +chucked over. + +At 900 Tottenham Road Court lived an aunt of mine--a good old lady who +had brought me up by hand and taught me many wholesome lessons in +morality, which in my later life have proved of extreme value. Foremost +among these I may mention her solemn and oft-repeated injunction never +to tell a lie without a definite and specific reason for doing so. Many +years' experience in the violation of this principle enables me to speak +with authority as to its general soundness. I have, therefore, much +pleasure in making a slight correction in the preceding chapter of this +tolerably true history. It was there affirmed that I threw the +_Bonnyclabber's_ log-book into the sea. The statement is entirely false, +and I can discover no reason for having made it that will for a moment +weigh against those I now have for the preservation of that log-book. + +The progress of the story has developed new necessities, and I now find +it convenient to quote from that book passages which it could not have +contained if cast into the sea at the time stated; for if thrown upon +the resources of my imagination I might find the temptation to +exaggerate too strong to be resisted. + +It is needless to worry the reader with those entries in the book +referring to events already related. Our record will begin on the day of +the captain's consignment to the deep, after which era I made the +entries myself. + +"June 22nd.--Not much doing in the way of gales, but heavy swells left +over from some previous blow. Latitude and longitude not notably +different from last observation. Ship laboring a trifle, owing to lack +of top-hamper, everything of that kind having been cut away in +consequence of Captain Troutbeck having accidently fallen overboard +while fishing from the bowsprit. Also threw over cargo and everything +that we could spare. Miss our sails rather, but if they save our dear +captain, we shall be content. Weather flagrant. + +"23d.--Nothing from Captain Troutbeck. Dead calm--also dead whale. The +passengers having become preposterous in various ways, Mr. Martin, the +chief officer, had three of the ringleaders tied up and rope's-ended. He +thought it advisable also to flog an equal number of the crew, by way of +being impartial. Weather ludicrous. + +"24th.--Captain still prefers to stop away, and does not telegraph. The +'captain of the foretop'--there isn't any foretop now--was put in irons +to-day by Mr. Martin for eating cold sausage while on look-out. Mr. +Martin has flogged the steward, who had neglected to holy-stone the +binnacle and paint the dead-lights. The steward is a good fellow all the +same. Weather iniquitous. + +"25th.--Can't think whatever has become of Captain Troutbeck. He must be +getting hungry by this time; for although he has his fishing-tackle with +him, he has no bait. Mr. Martin inspected the entries in this book +to-day. He is a most excellent and humane officer. Weather inexcusable. + +"26th.--All hope of hearing from the Captain has been abandoned. We have +sacrificed everything to save him; but now, if we could procure the loan +of a mast and some sails, we should proceed on our voyage. Mr. Martin +has knocked the coxswain overboard for sneezing. He is an experienced +seaman, a capable officer, and a Christian gentleman--damn his eyes! +Weather tormenting. + +"27th.--Another inspection of this book by Mr. Martin. Farewell, vain +world! Break it gently to my aunt in Tottenham Court Road." + +In the concluding sentences of this record, as it now lies before me, +the handwriting is not very legible: they were penned under +circumstances singularly unfavorable. Mr. Martin stood behind me with +his eyes fixed on the page; and in order to secure a better view, had +twisted the machinery of the engine he called his hand into the hair of +my head, depressing that globe to such an extent that my nose was +flattened against the surface of the table, and I had no small +difficulty in discerning the lines through my eyebrows. I was not +accustomed to writing in that position: it had not been taught in the +only school that I ever attended. I therefore felt justified in bringing +the record to a somewhat abrupt close, and immediately went on deck with +Mr. Martin, he preceding me up the companion-stairs on foot, I +following, not on horseback, but on my own, the connection between us +being maintained without important alteration. + +Arriving on deck, I thought it advisable, in the interest of peace and +quietness, to pursue him in the same manner to the side of the ship, +where I parted from him forever with many expressions of regret, which +might have been heard at a considerable distance. + +Of the subsequent fate of the _Bonnyclabber_, I can only say that the +log-book from which I have quoted was found some years later in the +stomach of a whale, along with some shreds of clothing, a few buttons +and several decayed life-belts. It contained only one new entry, in a +straggling handwriting, as if it had been penned in the dark: + +"july2th foundered svivors rescude by wale wether stuffy no nues from +capting trowtbeck Sammle martin cheef Ofcer." + +Let us now take a retrospective glance at the situation. The ship +_Nupple-duck_, (Abersouth, master) had, it will be remembered, gone down +with all on board except me. I had escaped on the ship _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck) which I had quitted owing to a misunderstanding with the +chief officer, and was now unattached. That is how matters stood when, +rising on an unusually high wave, and casting my eye in the direction of +Tottenham Court Road--that is, backward along the course pursued by the +_Bonnyclabber_ and toward the spot at which the _Nupple-duck_ had been +swallowed up--I saw a quantity of what appeared to be wreckage. It +turned out to be some of the stuff that we had thrown overboard under a +misapprehension. The several articles had been compiled and, so to +speak, carefully edited. They were, in fact, lashed together, forming a +raft. On a stool in the center of it--not, apparently navigating it, but +rather with the subdued and dignified bearing of a passenger, sat +Captain Abersouth, of the _Nupple-duck_, reading a novel. + +Our meeting was not cordial. He remembered me as a man of literary taste +superior to his own and harbored resentment, and although he made no +opposition to my taking passage with him I could see that his +acquiescence was due rather to his muscular inferiority than to the +circumstance that I was damp and taking cold. Merely acknowledging his +presence with a nod as I climbed abroad, I seated myself and inquired if +he would care to hear the concluding stanzas of "Naseby Fight." + +"No," he replied, looking up from his novel, "no, Claude Reginald Gump, +writer of sea stories, I've done with you. When you sank the +_Nupple-duck_ some days ago you probably thought that you had made an +end of me. That was clever of you, but I came to the surface and +followed the other ship--the one on which you escaped. It was I that the +sailor saw from the masthead. I saw him see me. It was for me that all +that stuff was hove overboard. Good--I made it into this raft. It was, I +think, the next day that I passed the floating body of a man whom I +recognized as, my old friend Billy Troutbeck--he used to be a cook on a +man-o'-war. It gives me pleasure to be the means of saving your life, +but I eschew you. The moment that we reach port our paths part. You +remember that in the very first sentence of this story you began to +drive my ship, the _Nupple-duck_, on to a reef of coral." + +I was compelled to confess that this was true, and he continued his +inhospitable reproaches: + +"Before you had written half a column you sent her to the bottom, with +me and the crew. But _you_--you escaped." + +"That is true," I replied; "I cannot deny that the facts are correctly +stated." + +"And in a story before that, you took me and my mates of the ship +_Camel_ into the heart of the South Polar Sea and left us frozen dead in +the ice, like flies in amber. But you did not leave yourself there--you +escaped." + +"Really, Captain," I said, "your memory is singularly accurate, +considering the many hardships that you have had to undergo; many a man +would have gone mad." + +"And a long time before that," Captain Abersouth resumed, after a pause, +more, apparently, to con his memory than to enjoy my good opinion of it, +"you lost me at sea--look here; I didn't read anything but George Eliot +at that time, but I'm _told_ that you lost me at sea in the _Mudlark_. +Have I been misinformed?" + +I could not say he had been misinformed. + +"You yourself escaped on that occasion, I think." + +It was true. Being usually the hero of my own stories, I commonly do +manage to live through one, in order to figure to advantage in the next. +It is from artistic necessity: no reader would take much interest in a +hero who was dead before the beginning of the tale. I endeavored to +explain this to Captain Abersouth. He shook his head. + +"No," said he, "it's cowardly, that's the way I look at it." + +Suddenly an effulgent idea began to dawn upon me, and I let it have its +way until my mind was perfectly luminous. Then I rose from my seat, and +frowning down into the upturned face of my accuser, spoke in severe and +rasping accents thus: + +"Captain Abersouth, in the various perils you and I have encountered +together in the classical literature of the period, if I have always +escaped and you have always perished; if I lost you at sea in the +_Mudlark_, froze you into the ice at the South Pole in the _Camel_ and +drowned you in the _Nupple-duck_, pray be good enough to tell me whom I +have the honor to address." + +It was a blow to the poor man: no one was ever so disconcerted. Flinging +aside his novel, he put up his hands and began to scratch his head and +think. It was beautiful to see him think, but it seemed to distress him +and pointing significantly over the side of the raft I suggested as +delicately as possible that it was time to act. He rose to his feet and +fixing upon me a look of reproach which I shall remember as long as I +can, cast himself into the deep. As to me--I escaped. + + + + +A CARGO OF CAT + + +On the 16th day of June, 1874, the ship _Mary Jane_ sailed from Malta, +heavily laden with cat. This cargo gave us a good deal of trouble. It +was not in bales, but had been dumped into the hold loose. Captain +Doble, who had once commanded a ship that carried coals, said he had +found that plan the best. When the hold was full of cat the hatch was +battened down and we felt good. Unfortunately the mate, thinking the +cats would be thirsty, introduced a hose into one of the hatches and +pumped in a considerable quantity of water, and the cats of the lower +levels were all drowned. + +You have seen a dead cat in a pond: you remember its circumference at +the waist. Water multiplies the magnitude of a dead cat by ten. On the +first day out, it was observed that the ship was much strained. She was +three feet wider than usual and as much as ten feet shorter. The +convexity of her deck was visibly augmented fore and aft, but she turned +up at both ends. Her rudder was clean out of water and she would answer +the helm only when running directly against a strong breeze: the rudder, +when perverted to one side, would rub against the wind and slew her +around; and then she wouldn't steer any more. Owing to the curvature of +the keel, the masts came together at the top, and a sailor who had gone +up the foremast got bewildered, came down the mizzenmast, looked out +over the stern at the receding shores of Malta and shouted: "Land, ho!" +The ship's fastenings were all giving way; the water on each side was +lashed into foam by the tempest of flying bolts that she shed at every +pulsation of the cargo. She was quietly wrecking herself without +assistance from wind or wave, by the sheer internal energy of feline +expansion. + +I went to the skipper about it. He was in his favorite position, sitting +on the deck, supporting his back against the binnacle, making a V of his +legs, and smoking. + +"Captain Doble," I said, respectfully touching my hat, which was really +not worthy of respect, "this floating palace is afflicted with curvature +of the spine and is likewise greatly swollen." + +Without raising his eyes he courteously acknowledged my presence by +knocking the ashes from his pipe. + +"Permit me, Captain," I said, with simple dignity, "to repeat that this +ship is much swollen." + +"If that is true," said the gallant mariner, reaching for his tobacco +pouch, "I think it would be as well to swab her down with liniment. +There's a bottle of it in my cabin. Better suggest it to the mate." + +"But, Captain, there is no time for empirical treatment; some of the +planks at the water line have started." + +The skipper rose and looked out over the stern, toward the land; he +fixed his eyes on the foaming wake; he gazed into the water to starboard +and to port. Then he said: + +"My friend, the whole darned thing has started." + +Sadly and silently I turned from that obdurate man and walked forward. +Suddenly "there was a burst of thunder sound!" The hatch that had held +down the cargo was flung whirling into space and sailed in the air like +a blown leaf. Pushing upward through the hatchway was a smooth, square +column of cat. Grandly and impressively it grew--slowly, serenely, +majestically it rose toward the welkin, the relaxing keel parting the +mastheads to give it a fair chance. I have stood at Naples and seen +Vesuvius painting the town red--from Catania have marked afar, upon the +flanks of Ætna, the lava's awful pursuit of the astonished rooster and +the despairing pig. The fiery flow from Kilauea's crater, thrusting +itself into the forests and licking the entire country clean, is as +familiar to me as my mother-tongue. I have seen glaciers, a thousand +years old and quite bald, heading for a valley full of tourists at the +rate of an inch a month. I have seen a saturated solution of mining camp +going down a mountain river, to make a sociable call on the valley +farmers. I have stood behind a tree on the battle-field and seen a +compact square mile of armed men moving with irresistible momentum to +the rear. Whenever anything grand in magnitude or motion is billed to +appear I commonly manage to beat my way into the show, and in reporting +it I am a man of unscrupulous veracity; but I have seldom observed +anything like that solid gray column of Maltese cat! + +It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each individual grimalkin +in the outfit, with that readiness of resource which distinguishes the +species, had grappled with tooth and nail as many others as it could +hook on to. This preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff +that when the ship rolled (and the _Mary Jane_ was a devil to roll) it +swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if it grew much +taller he would have to order it cut away or it would capsize us. + +Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these discharged +nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from his toes and +shouted: "Let go the anchor!" but being assured that nobody was touching +it, apologized and resumed his revery. The chaplain said if there were +no objections he would like to offer up a prayer, and a gambler from +Chicago, producing a pack of cards, proposed to throw round for the +first jack. The parson's plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final +"amen," the cats struck up a hymn. + +All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother's son of them +sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. Nearly all their notes +in the upper register were more or less cracked and disobedient. The +remarkable thing about the voices was their range. In that crowd were +cats of seventeen octaves, and the average could not have been less than +twelve. + + Number of cats, as per invoice..... 127,000 + Estimated number dead swellers..... 6,000 + ------- + Total songsters................ 121,000 + Average number octaves per cat..... 12 + ------- + Total octaves................ 1,452,000 + +It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, counting +each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, and we could not +go below for provisions. At the end of that time the cook came for'd +shaking up some beans in a hat, and holding a large knife. + +"Shipmates," said he, "we have done all that mortals can do. Let us now +draw lots." + +We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook was forcing +the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the concert closed with a +suddenness that waked the man on the lookout. A moment later every +grimalkin relaxed his hold on his neighbors, the column lost its +cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, sickening thuds that beat as one, the +whole business fell to the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that +feline host sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for +the African shore! + +The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, resembles in +shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within sight of it. The cats in +the fabric had spied it, and their alert imaginations were instantly +affected with a lively sense of the size, weight and probable momentum +of its flung bootjack. + + + + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + + + + +I + +THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE + + +It is deserving of remark and censure that American literature is become +shockingly moral. There is not a doubt of it; our writers, if accused, +would make explicit confession that morality is their only +fault--morality in the strict and specific sense. Far be it from me to +disparage and belittle this decent tendency to ignore the largest side +of human nature, and liveliest element of literary interest. It has an +eminence of its own; if it is not great art, it is at least great +folly--a superior sort of folly to which none of the masters of letters +has ever attained. Not Shakspeare, nor Cervantes, nor Goethe, nor +Molière, nor--no, not even Rabelais--ever achieved that shining pinnacle +of propriety to which the latter-day American has aspired, by turning +his back upon nature's broad and fruitful levels and his eyes upon the +passionate altitudes where, throned upon congenial ice, Miss Nancy sits +to censure letters, putting the Muses into petticoats and affixing a +fig-leaf upon Truth. Ours are an age and country of expurgated editions, +emasculated art, and social customs that look over the top of a fan. + + Lo! prude-eyed Primdimity, mother of Gush, + Sex-conscious, invoking the difficult blush; + At vices that plague us and sins that beset + Sternly directing her private lorgnette, + Whose lenses, self-searching instinctive for sin, + Make image without of the fancies within. + Itself, if examined, would show us, alas! + A tiny transparency (French) on each glass. + +Now, prudery in letters, if it would but have the goodness not to +coexist with prudery in life, might be suffered with easy fortitude, +inasmuch as one needs not read what one does not like; and between the +license of the dear old bucks above mentioned, and the severities of +Miss Nancy Howells, and Miss Nancy James, Jr., of t'other school, there +is latitude for gratification of individual taste. But it occurs that a +literature rather accurately reflects all the virtues and other vices of +its period and country, and its tendencies are but the matchings of +thought with action. Hence, we may reasonably expect to find--and +indubitably shall find--certain well-marked correspondences between the +literary faults which it pleases our writers to commit and the social +crimes which it pleases the Adversary to see their readers commit. +Within the current lustrum the prudery which had already, for some +seasons, been achieving a vinegar-visaged and corkscrew-curled certain +age in letters, has invaded the ball-room, and is infesting it in +quantity. Supportable, because evitable, in letters, it is here, for the +contrary reason, insufferable; for one must dance and enjoy one's self +whether one like it or not. Pleasure, I take it, is a duty not to be +shirked at the command of disinclination. Youth, following the bent of +inherited instinct, and loyally conforming himself to the centuries, +must shake a leg in the dance, and Age, from emulation and habit, and +for denial of rheumatic incapacity, must occasionally twist his heel +though he twist it off in the performance. Dance we must, and dance we +shall; that is settled; the question of magnitude is, Shall we caper +jocundly with the good grace of an easy conscience, or submit to shuffle +half-heartedly with a sense of shame, wincing under the slow stroke of +our own rebuking eye? To this momentous question let us now +intelligently address our minds, sacredly pledged, as becomes lovers of +truth, to its determination in the manner most agreeable to our desires; +and if, in pursuance of this laudable design, we have the unhappiness to +bother the bunions decorating the all-pervading feet of the good people +whose deprecations are voiced in _The Dance of Death_ and the clamatory +literature of which that blessed volume was the honored parent, upon +their own corns be it; they should not have obtruded these eminences + + when youth and pleasure meet + To chase the glowing hours with flying feet. + +What, therefore, whence, and likewise why, is dancing? From what flower +of nature, fertilized by what pollen of circumstance or necessity, is it +the fruit? Let us go to the root of the matter. + + + + +II + +THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD + + +Nature takes a childish delight in tireless repetition. The days repeat +themselves, the tides ebb and flow, the tree sways forth and back. This +world is intent upon recurrences. Not the pendulum of a clock is more +persistent of iteration than are all existing things; periodicity is the +ultimate law and largest explanation of the universe--to do it over +again the one insatiable ambition of all that is. Everything vibrates; +through vibration alone do the senses discern it. We are not provided +with means of cognizance of what is absolutely at rest; impressions come +in waves. Recurrence, recurrence, and again recurrence--that is the sole +phenomenon. With what fealty we submit us to the law which compels the +rhythm and regularity to our movement--that makes us divide up passing +time into brief equal intervals, marking them off by some method of +physical notation, so that our senses may apprehend them! In all we do +we unconsciously mark time like a clock, the leader of an orchestra with +his _bâton_ only more perfectly than the smith with his hammer, or the +woman with her needle, because his hand is better assisted by his ear, +less embarrassed with _impedimenta_. The pedestrian impelling his legs +and the idler twiddling his thumbs are endeavoring, each in his +unconscious way, to beat time to some inaudible music; and the graceless +lout, sitting cross-legged in a horse-car, manages the affair with his +toe. + +The more intently we labor, the more intensely do we become absorbed in +labor's dumb song, until with body and mind engaged in the ecstacy of +repetition, we resent an interruption of our work as we do a false note +in music, and are mightily enamored of ourselves afterward for the power +of application which was simply inability to desist. In this rhythm of +toil is to be found the charm of industry. Toil has in itself no spell +to conjure with, but its recurrences of molecular action, cerebral and +muscular, are as delightful as rhyme. + +Such of our pleasures as require movements equally rhythmic with those +entailed by labor are almost equally agreeable, with the added advantage +of being useless. Dancing, which is not only rhythmic movement, pure and +simple, undebased with any element of utility, but is capable of +performance under conditions positively baneful, is for these reasons +the most engaging of them all; and if it were but one-half as wicked as +the prudes have endeavored by method of naughty suggestion to make it +would lack of absolute bliss nothing but the other half. + +This ever active and unabatable something within us which compels us +always to be marking time we may call, for want of a better name, the +instinct of rhythm. It is the æsthetic principle of our nature. +Translated into words it has given us poetry; into sound, music; into +motion, dancing. Perhaps even painting may be referred to it, space +being the correlative of time, and color the correlative of tone. We are +fond of arranging our minute intervals of time into groups. We find +certain of these groups highly agreeable, while others are no end +unpleasant. In the former there is a singular regularity to be observed, +which led hard-headed old Leibnitz to the theory that our delight in +music arises from an inherent affection for mathematics. Yet musicians +have hitherto obtained but indifferent recognition for feats of +calculation, nor have the singing and playing of renowned mathematicians +been unanimously commended by good judges. + +Music so intensifies and excites the instinct of rhythm that a strong +volition is required to repress its physical expression. The +universality of this is well illustrated by the legend, found in some +shape in many countries and languages, of the boy with the fiddle who +compels king, cook, peasant, clown, and all that kind of people, to +follow him through the land; and in the myth of the Pied Piper of +Hamelin we discern abundant reason to think the instinct of rhythm an +attribute of rats. Soldiers march so much livelier with music than +without that it has been found a tolerably good substitute for the hope +of plunder. When the foot-falls are audible, as on the deck of a +steamer, walking has an added pleasure, and even the pirate, with gentle +consideration for the universal instinct, suffers his vanquished foeman +to walk the plank. + +Dancing is simply marking time with the body, as an accompaniment to +music, though the same--without the music--is done with only the head +and forefinger in a New England meeting-house at psalm time. (The +peculiar dance named in honor of St. Vitus is executed with or without +music, at the option of the musician.) But the body is a clumsy piece of +machinery, requiring some attention and observation to keep it +accurately in time to the fiddling. The smallest diversion of the +thought, the briefest relaxing of the mind, is fatal to the performance. +'Tis as easy to fix attention on a sonnet of Shakspeare while working at +whist as gloat upon your partner while waltzing. It can not be +intelligently, appreciatively, and adequately accomplished--_crede +expertum_. + +On the subject of poetry, Emerson says: "Metre begins with pulse-beat, +and the length of lines in songs and poems is determined by the +inhalation and exhalation of the lungs," and this really goes near to +the root of the matter; albeit we might derive therefrom the unsupported +inference that a poet "fat and scant of breath" would write in lines of +a foot each, while the more able-bodied bard, with the capacious lungs +of a pearl-diver, would deliver himself all across his page, with "the +spacious volubility of a drumming decasyllabon." + +While the heart, working with alternate contraction and dilatation, +sends the blood intermittently through the brain, and the outer world +apprises us of its existence only by successive impulses, it must result +that our sense of things will be rhythmic. The brain being alternately +stimulated and relaxed we must think--as we feel--in waves, apprehending +nothing continuously, and incapable of a consciousness that is not +divisible into units of perception of which we make mental record and +physical sign. That is why we dance. That is why we can, may, must, +will, and shall dance, and the gates of Philistia shall not prevail +against us. + + La valse légère, la valse légère, + The free, the bright, the debonair, + That stirs the strong, and fires the fair + With joy like wine of vintage rare-- + That lends the swiftly circling pair + A short surcease of killing care, + With music in the dreaming air, + With elegance and grace to spare. + Vive! vive la valse, la valse légère! + + --_George Jessop_. + + + + +III + +THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT + + +Our civilization--wise child!--knows its father in the superior +civilization whose colossal vestiges are found along the Nile. To those, +then, who see in the dance a civilizing art, it can not be wholly +unprofitable to glance at this polite accomplishment as it existed among +the ancient Egyptians, and was by them transmitted--with various +modifications, but preserving its essentials of identity--to other +nations and other times. And here we have first to note that, as in all +the nations of antiquity, the dance in Egypt was principally a religious +ceremony; the pious old boys that builded the pyramids executed their +jigs as an act of worship. Diodorus Siculus informs us that Osiris, in +his proselyting travels among the peoples surrounding Egypt--for Osiris +was what we would call a circuit preacher--was accompanied by dancers +male and dancers female. From the sculptures on some of the oldest tombs +of Thebes it is seen that the dances there depicted did not greatly +differ from those in present favor in the same region; although it seems +a fair inference from the higher culture and refinement of the elder +period that they were distinguished by graces correspondingly superior. +That dances having the character of religious rites were not always free +from an element that we would term indelicacy, but which their +performers and witnesses probably considered the commendable exuberance +of zeal and devotion, is manifest from the following passage of +Herodotus, in which reference is made to the festival of Bubastis: + + Men and women come sailing all together, vast numbers in each boat, + many of the women with castanets, which they strike, while some of + the men pipe during the whole period of the voyage; the remainder of + the voyagers, male and female, sing the while, and make a clapping + with their hands. When they arrive opposite to any town on the banks + of the stream they approach the shore, and while some of the women + continue to play and sing, others call aloud to the females of the + place and load them with abuse, a certain number dancing and others + standing up, uncovering themselves. Proceeding in this way all along + the river course they reach Bubastis, where they celebrate the feast + with abundant sacrifice. + +Of the mysteries of Isis and Osiris, in which dancing played an +important part, the character of the ceremonies is matter of dim +conjecture; but from the hints that have come down to us like +significant shrugs and whispers from a discreet past, which could say a +good deal more if it had a mind to, I hasten to infer that they were no +better than they should have been. + +Naturally the dances for amusement of others were regulated in movement +and gesture to suit the taste of patrons: for the refined, decency and +moderation; for the wicked, _a soupçon_ of the other kind of excellence. +In the latter case the buffoon, an invariable adjunct, committed a +thousand extravagances, and was a dear, delightful, naughty ancient +Egyptian buffoon. These dances were performed by both men and women; +sometimes together, more frequently in separate parties. The men seem to +have confined themselves mostly to exercises requiring strength of leg +and arm. The figures on the tombs represent men in lively and vigorous +postures, some in attitude preliminary to leaping, others in the air. +This feature of agility would be a novelty in the oriental dances of +to-day; the indolent male spectator being satisfied with a slow, +voluptuous movement congenial to his disposition. When, on the contrary, +the performance of our prehistoric friends was governed and determined +by ideas of grace, there were not infrequently from six to eight musical +instruments, the harp, guitar, double-pipe, lyre, and tambourine of the +period being most popular, and these commonly accompanied by a clapping +of hands to mark the time. + +As with the Greeks, dancers were had in at dinner to make merry; for +although the upper-class Egyptian was forbidden to practice the art, +either as an accomplishment or for the satisfaction of his emotional +nature, it was not considered indecorous to hire professionals to +perform before him and his female and young. The she dancer usually +habited herself in a loose, flowing robe, falling to the ankles and +bound at the waist, while about the hips was fastened a narrow, ornate +girdle. This costume--in point of opacity imperfectly superior to a +gentle breeze--is not always discernible in the sculptures; but it is +charitably believed that the pellucid garment, being merely painted over +the figures, has been ravished away by the hand of Time--the wretch! + +One of the dances was a succession of pleasing attitudes, the hands and +arms rendering important assistance--the body bending backward and +forward and swaying laterally, the _figurante_ sometimes half-kneeling, +and in that position gracefully posturing, and again balanced on one +foot, the arms and hands waving slowly in time to the music. In another +dance, the _pirouette_ and other figures dear to the bald-headed beaux +of the modern play-house, were practiced in the familiar way. Four +thousand years ago, the senses of the young ancient Egyptian--wild, +heady lad!--were kicked into confusion by the dark-skinned belle of the +ballet, while senility, with dimmed eyes, rubbed its dry hands in +feverish approval at the self-same feat. Dear, dear, but it was a bad +world four thousand years ago! + +Sometimes they danced in pairs, men with men and women with women, +indifferently, the latter arrangement seeming to us preferable by reason +of the women's conspicuously superior grace and almost equal agility; +for it is in evidence on the tombs that tumblers and acrobats were +commonly of the softer sex. Some of the attitudes were similar to those +which drew from Socrates the ungallant remark that women were capable of +learning anything which you will that they should know. The figures in +this _pas de deux_ appear frequently to have terminated in what +children, with their customary coarseness of speech, are pleased to call +"wringing the dish-clout"--clasping the hands, throwing the arms above +the head and turning rapidly, each as on a pivot, without loosing the +hands of the other, and resting again in position. + +Sometimes, with no other music than the percussion of hands, a man would +execute a _pas seul_, which it is to be presumed he enjoyed. Again, with +a riper and better sense of musical methods, the performer accompanied +himself, or, as in this case it usually was, herself, on the +double-pipes, the guitar or the tambourine, while the familiar +hand-clapping was done by attendants. A step not unlike that of the +abominable clog dance of the "variety" stage and "music hall" of the +present day consisted in striking the heel of first one foot and then +the other, the hands and arms being employed to diminish the monotony of +the movement. For amusement and instruction of the vulgar, buffoons in +herds of ten or more in fested the streets, hopping and posing to the +sound of a drum. + +As illustrating the versatility of the dance, its wide capacities of +adaptation to human emotional needs, I may mention here the procession +of women to the tomb of a friend or relative. Punishing the tambourine or +_dara booka_ drum, and bearing branches of palm or other symbolic +vegetables, these sprightly mourners passed through the streets with +songs and dances which, under the circumstances, can hardly have failed +eminently to gratify the person so fortunate as to have his memory +honored by so delicate and appropriate observance. + + + + +IV + +A REEF IN THE GABARDINE + + +The early Jew danced ritually and socially. Some of his dances and the +customs connected therewith were of his own devising; others he picked +up in Egypt, the latter, no doubt, being more firmly fixed in his memory +by the necessity of practicing them--albeit behind the back of +Moses--while he had them still fresh in his mind; for he would naturally +resort to every human and inhuman device to wile away the dragging +decades consumed in tracing the labyrinthine sinuosities of his course +in the wilderness. When a man has assurance that he will not be +permitted to arrive at the point for which he set out, perceiving that +every step forward is a step wasted, he will pretty certainly use his +feet to a better purpose than walking. Clearly, at a time when all the +chosen people were Wandering Jews they would dance all they knew how. We +know that they danced in worship of the Golden Calf, and that previously +"Miriam the prophetess, sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and +all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances." And +ever so many generations before, Laban complained to Jacob that Jacob +had stolen away instead of letting him send him off with songs and mirth +and music on the tabret and harp, a method of speeding the parting guest +which would naturally include dancing, although the same is not of +explicit record. + +The religious ceremonies of the Jews had not at all times the restraint +and delicacy which it is to be wished the Lord had exacted, for we read +of King David himself dancing before the Ark in a condition so nearly +nude as greatly to scandalize the daughter of Saul. By the way, this +incident has been always a stock argument for the extinction and decent +interment of the unhappy anti dancer. Conceding the necessity of his +extinction, I am yet indisposed to attach much weight to the Davidian +precedent, for it does not appear that he was acting under divine +command, directly or indirectly imparted, and whenever he followed the +hest of his own sweet will David had a notable knack at going wrong. +Perhaps the best value of the incident consists in the evidence it +supplies that dancing was not forbidden--save possibly by divine +injunction--to the higher classes of Jews, for unless we are to suppose +the dancing of David to have been the mere clumsy capering of a loutish +mood (a theory which our respect for royalty, even when divested of its +imposing externals, forbids us to entertain) we are bound to assume +previous instruction and practice in the art. We have, moreover, the +Roman example of the daughter of Herodias, whose dancing before Herod +was so admirably performed that she was suitably rewarded with a +testimonial of her step father's esteem. To these examples many more +might be added, showing by cumulative evidence that among the ancient +people whose religion was good enough for us to adopt and improve, +dancing was a polite and proper accomplishment, although not always +decorously executed on seasonable occasion. + + + + +V + +ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING + + +The nearly oldest authentic human records now decipherable are the +cuneiform inscriptions from the archives of Assurbanipal, translated by +the late George Smith, of the British Museum, and in them we find +abundant reference to the dance, but must content ourselves with a +single one. + + The kings of Arabia who against my agreement, sinned, whom in the + midst of battle alive I had captured in hand, to make that + Bitrichiti. Heavy burdens I caused them to carry and I caused them + to take . . . building its brick work . . . with dancing and music; + . . . with joy and shouting from the foundation to its roof, I built + . . . + +A Mesopotamian king, who had the genius to conceive the dazzling idea of +communicating with the readers of this distant generation by taking +impressions of carpet tacks on cubes of unbaked clay is surely entitled +to a certain veneration, and when he associates dancing with such +commendable actions as making porters of his royal captives it is not +becoming in us meaner mortals to set up a contrary opinion. Indeed +nothing can be more certain than that the art of dancing was not +regarded by the ancients generally in the light of a frivolous +accomplishment, nor its practice a thing wherewith to shoo away a +tedious hour. In their minds it evidently had a certain dignity and +elevation, so much so that they associated it with their ideas +(tolerably correct ones, on the whole) of art, harmony, beauty, truth +and religion. With them, dancing bore a relation to walking and the +ordinary movements of the limbs similar to that which poetry bears to +prose, and as our own Emerson--himself something of an ancient--defines +poetry as the piety of the intellect, so Homer would doubtless have +defined dancing as the devotion of the body if he had had the +unspeakable advantage of a training in the Emerson school of epigram. +Such a view of it is natural to the unsophisticated pagan mind, and to +all minds of clean, wholesome, and simple understanding. It is only the +intellect that has been subjected to the strain of overwrought religious +enthusiasm of the more sombre sort that can discern a lurking devil in +the dance, or anything but an exhilarating and altogether delightful +outward manifestation of an inner sense of harmony, joy and well being. +Under the stress of morbid feeling, or the overstrain of religious +excitement, coarsely organized natures see or create something gross and +prurient in things intrinsically sweet and pure, and it happens that +when the dance has fallen to their shaping and direction, as in +religious rites, then it has received its most objectionable development +and perversion. But the grossness of dances devised by the secular mind +for purposes of æsthetic pleasure is all in the censorious critic, who +deserves the same kind of rebuke administered by Dr. Johnson to Boswell, +who asked the Doctor if he considered a certain nude statue immodest. +"No, sir, but your question is." + +It would be an unfortunate thing, indeed, if the "prurient prudes" of +the meeting houses were permitted to make the laws by which society +should be governed. The same unhappy psychological condition which makes +the dance an unclean thing in their jaundiced eyes renders it impossible +for them to enjoy art or literature when the subject is natural, the +treatment free and joyous. The ingenuity that can discover an indelicate +provocative in the waltz will have no difficulty in snouting out all +manner of uncleanliness in Shakspeare, Chaucer, Boccacio--nay, even in +the New Testament. It would detect an unpleasant suggestiveness in the +Medicean Venus, and two in the Dancing Faun. To all such the ordinary +functions of life are impure, the natural man and woman things to blush +at, all the economies of nature full of shocking improprieties. + +In the Primitive Church dancing was a religious rite, no less than it +was under the older dispensation among the Jews. On the eve of sacred +festivals, the young people were accustomed to assemble, sometimes +before the church door, sometimes in the choir or nave of the church, +and dance and sing hymns in honor of the saint whose festival it was. +Easter Sunday, especially, was so celebrated; and rituals of a +comparatively modern date contain the order in which it is appointed +that the dances are to be performed, and the words of the hymns to the +music of which the youthful devotees flung up their pious heels But I +digress. + +In Plato's time the Greeks held that dancing awakened and preserved in +the soul--as I do not doubt that it does--the sentiment of harmony and +proportion; and in accordance with this idea Simonides, with a happy +knack at epigram, defined dances as "poems in dumb show." + +In his _Republic_ Plato classifies the Grecian dances as domestic, +designed for relaxation and amusement, military, to promote strength and +activity in battle; and religious, to accompany the sacred songs at +pious festivals. To the last class belongs the dance which Theseus is +said to have instituted on his return from Crete, after having abated +the Minotaur nuisance. At the head of a noble band of youth, this public +spirited reformer of abuses himself executed his dance. Theseus as a +dancing-master does not much fire the imagination, it is true, but the +incident has its value and purpose in this dissertation. Theseus called +his dance _Geranos_, or the "Crane," because its figures resembled those +described by that fowl aflight; and Plutarch fancied he discovered in it +a meaning which one does not so readily discover in Plutarch's +explanation. + +It is certain that, in the time of Anacreon[A], the Greeks loved the +dance. That poet, with frequent repetition, felicitates himself that age +has not deprived him of his skill in it. In Ode LIII, he declares that +in the dance he renews his youth + + When I behold the festive train + Of dancing youth, I'm young again + + And let me, while the wild and young + Trip the mazy dance along + Fling my heap of years away + And be as wild, as young as they + + --_Moore_ + + +[Footnote A: It may be noted here that the popular conception of this +poet as a frivolous sensualist is unsustained by evidence and repudiated +by all having knowledge of the matter. Although love and wine were his +constant themes, there is good ground for the belief that he wrote of +them with greater _abandon_ than he indulged in them--a not uncommon +practice of the poet-folk, by the way, and one to which those who sing +of deeds of arms are perhaps especially addicted. The great age which +Anacreon attained points to a temperate life; and he more than once +denounces intoxication with as great zeal as a modern reformer who has +eschewed the flagon for the trencher. According to Anacreon, drunkenness +is "the vice of barbarians;" though, for the matter of that, it is +difficult to say what achievable vice is not. In Ode LXII, he sings: + + Fill me, boy, as deep a draught + As e'er was filled, as e'er was quaffed; + But let the water amply flow + To cool the grape's intemperate glow. + * * * * * + For though the bowl's the grave of sadness + Ne'er let it be the birth of madness + No! banish from our board to night + The revelries of rude delight + To Scythians leave these wild excesses + Ours be the joy that soothes and blesses! + And while the temperate bowl we wreathe + In concert let our voices breathe + Beguiling every hour along + With harmony of soul and song + +Maximus of Tyre speaking of Polycrates the Tyrant (tyrant, be it +remembered, meant only usurper, not oppressor) considered the happiness +of that potentate secure because he had a powerful navy and such a +friend as Anacreon--the word navy naturally suggesting cold water, and +cold water, Anacreon.] + + +And so in Ode LIX, which seems to be a vintage hymn. + + When he whose verging years decline + As deep into the vale as mine + When he inhales the vintage cup + His feet new winged from earth spring up + And as he dances the fresh air + Plays whispering through his silvery hair + + --_Id_ + +In Ode XLVII, he boasts that age has not impaired his relish for, nor +his power of indulgence in, the feast and dance. + + Tis true my fading years decline + Yet I can quaff the brimming wine + As deep as any stripling fair + Whose cheeks the flush of morning wear, + And if amidst the wanton crew + I'm called to wind the dance's clew + Then shalt thou see this vigorous hand + Not faltering on the Bacchant's wand + + For though my fading years decay-- + Though manhood's prime hath passed away, + Like old Silenus sire divine + With blushes borrowed from the wine + I'll wanton mid the dancing tram + And live my follies o'er again + + --_Id_ + +Cornelius Nepos, I think, mentions among the admirable qualities of the +great Epaminondas that he had an extraordinary talent for music and +dancing. Epaminondas accomplishing his jig must be accepted as a +pleasing and instructive figure in the history of the dance. + +Lucian says that a dancer must have some skill as an actor, and some +acquaintance with mythology--the reason being that the dances at the +festivals of the gods partook of the character of pantomime, and +represented the most picturesque events and passages in the popular +religion. Religious knowledge is happily no longer regarded as a +necessary qualification for the dance, and, in point of fact no thing is +commonly more foreign to the minds of those who excel in it. + +It is related of Aristides the Just that he danced at an entertainment +given by Dionysius the Tyrant, and Plato, who was also a guest, probably +confronted him in the set. + +The "dance of the wine press," described by Longinus, was originally +modest and proper, but seems to have become in the process of time--and +probably by the stealthy participation of disguised prudes--a kind of +_can can_. + +In the high noon of human civilization--in the time of Pericles at +Athens--dancing seems to have been regarded as a civilizing and refining +amusement in which the gravest dignitaries and most renowned worthies +joined with indubitable alacrity, if problematic advantage. Socrates +himself--at an advanced age, too--was persuaded by the virtuous Aspasia +to cut his caper with the rest of them. + +Horace (Ode IX, Book I,) exhorts the youth not to despise the dance: + + Nec dulcis amores + Sperne puer, neque tu choreas. + +Which may be freely translated thus: + + Boy, in Love's game don't miss a trick, + Nor be in the dance a walking stick. + +In Ode IV, Book I, he says: + + Jam Cytherea choros ducit, inminente Luna + Junctæque Nymphis Gratiæ decentes + Alterno terram quatiunt pede, etc. + + At moonrise, Venus and her joyous band + Of Nymphs and Graces leg it o'er the land + +In Ode XXXVI, Book I (supposed to have been written when Numida returned +from the war in Spain, with Augustus, and referring to which an old +commentator says "We may judge with how much tenderness Horace loved his +friends, when he celebrates their return with sacrifices, songs, and +dances") Horace writes + + Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota + Neu promtæ modus amphoræ + Neu morem in Salium sit requies pedum etc. + + Let not the day forego its mark + Nor lack the wine jug's honest bark + Like Salian priests we'll toss our toes-- + Choose partners for the dance--here goes! + +It has been hastily inferred that, in the time of Cicero, dancing was +not held in good repute among the Romans, but I prefer to consider his +ungracious dictum (in _De Amicitia_, I think,) "_Nemo sobrius +saltat_"--no sober man dances--as merely the spiteful and envious fling +of a man who could not himself dance, and am disposed to congratulate +the golden youth of the Eternal City on the absence of the solemn +consequential and egotistic orator from their festivals and merry +makings whence his shining talents would have been so many several +justifications for his forcible extrusion. No doubt his eminence +procured him many invitations to balls of the period, and some of these +he probably felt constrained to accept, but it is highly unlikely that +he was often solicited to dance, he probably wiled away the tedious +hours of inaction by instructing the fibrous virgins and gouty bucks in +the principles of jurisprudence. Cicero as a wall flower is an +interesting object, and, turning to another branch of our subject, in +this picturesque attitude we leave him. Left talking. + + + + +VI + +CAIRO REVISITED + + +Having glanced, briefly, and as through a glass darkly, at the dance as +it existed in the earliest times of which we have knowledge in the +country whence, through devious and partly obliterated channels, we +derived much of our civilization, let us hastily survey some of its +modern methods in the same region--supplying thereby some small means of +comparison to the reader who may care to note the changes undergone and +the features preserved. + +We find the most notable, if not the only, purely Egyptian dancer of our +time in the _Alme_ or _Ghowazee_. The former name is derived from the +original calling of this class--that of reciting poetry to the inmates +of the harem, the latter they acquired by dancing at the festivals of +the Ghors, or Memlooks. Reasonably modest at first, the dancing of the +Alme became, in the course of time, so conspicuously indelicate that +great numbers of the softer sex persuaded themselves to its acquirement +and practice, and a certain viceregal Prude once contracted the powers +of the whole Cairo contingent of Awalim into the pent up Utica of the +town of Esuch, some five hundred miles removed from the viceregal +dissenting eye. For a brief season the order was enforced, then the +sprightly sinners danced out of bounds, and their successors can now be +found by the foreign student of Egyptian morals without the fatigue and +expense of a long journey up the Nile. + +The professional dress of the Alme consists of a short embroidered +jacket, fitting closely to the arms and back, but frankly unreserved in +front, long loose trousers of silk sufficiently opaque somewhat to +soften the severity of the lower limbs, a Cashmere shawl bound about the +waist and a light turban of muslin embroidered with gold. The long black +hair, starred with small coins, falls abundantly over the shoulders. The +eyelids are sabled with kohl, and such other paints, oils, varnishes and +dyestuffs are used as the fair one--who is a trifle dark, by the +way--may have proved for herself, or accepted on the superior judgment +of her European sisters. Altogether, the girl's outer and visible aspect +is not unattractive to the eye of the traveler, however faulty to the +eye of the traveler's wife. When about to dance, the Alme puts on a +lighter and more diaphanous dress, eschews her slippers, and with a slow +and measured step advances to the centre of the room--her lithe figure +undulating with a grace peculiarly serpentile. The music is that of a +reed pipe or a tambourine--a number of attendants assisting with +castanets. Perhaps the "argument" of her dance will be a love-passage +with an imaginary young Arab. The coyness of a first meeting by chance, +her gradual warming into passion, their separation, followed by her tears +and dejection the hope of meeting soon again and, finally, the +intoxication of being held once more in his arms--all are delineated +with a fidelity and detail surprising to whatever of judgment the +masculine spectator may have the good fortune to retain. + +One of the prime favorites is the "wasp dance," allied to the +Tarantella. Although less pleasing in motive than that described, the +wasp dance gives opportunity for movements of even superior +significance--or, as one may say, suggestures. The girl stands in a +pensive posture, her hands demurely clasped in front, her head poised a +little on one side. Suddenly a wasp is heard to approach, and by her +gestures is seen to have stung her on the breast. She then darts hither +and thither in pursuit of that audacious insect, assuming all manner of +provoking attitudes, until, finally, the wasp having been caught and +miserably exterminated, the girl resumes her innocent smile and modest +pose. + + + + +VII + +JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS + + +Throughout Asia, dancing is marked by certain characteristics which do +not greatly differ, save in degree, among the various peoples who +practice it. With few exceptions, it is confined to the superior sex, +and these ladies, I am sorry to confess, have not derived as great moral +advantage from the monopoly as an advocate of dancing would prefer to +record. + +Dancing--the rhythmical movement of the limbs and body to music--is, as +I have endeavored to point out, instinctive, hardly a people, savage or +refined, but has certain forms of it. When, from any cause, the men +abstain from its execution it has commonly not the character of grace +and agility as its dominant feature, but is distinguished by soft, +voluptuous movements, suggestive posturing, and all the wiles by which +the performer knows she can best please the other sex, the most +forthright and effective means to that commendable end being evocation +of man's baser nature. The Japanese men are anti-dancers from necessity +of costume, if nothing else, and the effect is much the same as +elsewhere under the same conditions the women dance, the men gloat and +the gods grieve. + +There are two kinds of dances in Japan, the one not only lewd, but--to +speak with accurate adjustment of word to fact--beastly, in the other +grace is the dominating element, and decency as cold as a snow storm. Of +the former class, the "Chon Nookee" is the most popular. It is, however, +less a dance than an exhibition, and its patrons are the wicked, the +dissolute and the European. It is commonly given at some entertainment +to which respectable women have not the condescension to be +invited--such as a dinner party of some wealthy gentleman's gentlemen +friends. The dinner-served on the floor--having been impatiently tucked +away, and the candies, cakes, hot saki and other necessary addenda of a +Japanese dinner brought in, the "Chon Nookee" is demanded, and with a +modest demeanor, worn as becomingly as if it were their every day habit, +the performers glide in, seating themselves coyly on the floor, in two +rows. Each dancing girl is appareled in such captivating bravery as her +purse can buy or her charms exact. The folds of her varicolored gowns +crossing her bosom makes combinations of rich, warm hues, which it were +folly not to admire and peril to admire too much. The faces of these +girls are in many instances exceedingly pretty, but with that +natural--and, be it humbly submitted, not very creditable--tendency of +the sex to revision and correction of nature's handiwork, they plaster +them with pigments dear to the sign painter and temper the red glory of +their lips with a bronze preparation which the flattered brass founder +would no doubt deem kissable utterly. The music is made by beating a +drum and twanging a kind of guitar, the musician chanting the while to +an exceedingly simple air words which, in deference to the possible +prejudices of those readers who may be on terms of familarity with the +Japanese language, I have deemed it proper to omit--with an apology to +the Prudes for the absence of an appendix in which they might be given +without offense. (I had it in mind to insert the music here, but am told +by credible authority that in Japan music is moral or immoral without +reference to the words that may be sung with it. So I omit--with +reluctance--the score, as well as the words.) + +The chanting having proceeded for a few minutes the girls take up the +song and enter spiritedly into the dance. One challenges another and at +a certain stage of the lively song with the sharp cry _"Hoi!"_ makes a +motion with her hand. Failure on the part of the other instantaneously +and exactly to copy this gesture entails the forfeiture of a garment, +which is at once frankly removed. Cold and mechanical at the outset, the +music grows spirited as the girls grow nude, and the dancers themselves +become strangely excited as they warm to the work, taking, the while, +generous potations of saki to assist their enthusiasm. + +Let it not be supposed that in all this there is anything of passion, it +is with these women nothing more that the mere mental exaltation +produced by music, exercise and drink. With the spectators (I have +heard) it fares somewhat otherwise. + +When modesty's last rag has been discarded, the girls as if suddenly +abashed at their own audacity, fly like startled fawns from the room, +leaving their patrons to make a settlement with conscience and arrange +the terms upon which that monitor will consent to the performance of the +rest of the dance. For the dance proper--or improper--is now about to +begin. If the first part seemed somewhat tropical, comparison with what +follows will acquit it of that demerit. The combinations of the dance +are infinitely varied, and so long as willing witnesses remain--which, +in simple justice to manly fortitude it should be added, is a good +while--so long will the "Chon Nookee" present a new and unexpected +phase, but it is thought expedient that no more of them be presented +here, and if the reader has done me the honor to have enough of it, we +will pass to the consideration of another class of dances. + +Of this class those most in favor are the Fan and Umbrella dances, +performed, usually, by young girls trained almost from infancy. The +Japanese are passionately fond of these beautiful exhibitions of grace, +and no manner of festivity is satisfactorily celebrated without them. +The musicians, all girls, commonly six or eight in number, play on the +guitar, a small ivory wand being used, instead of the fingers, to strike +the strings. The dancer, a girl of some thirteen years, is elaborately +habited as a page. Confined by the closely folded robe as by fetters, +the feet and legs are not much used, the feet, indeed, never leaving the +floor. Time is marked by undulations of the body, waving the arms, and +deft manipulation of the fan. The supple figure bends and sways like a +reed in the wind, advances and recedes, one movement succeeding another +by transitions singularly graceful, the arms describing innumerable +curves, and the fan so skilfully handled as to seem instinct with a life +and liberty of its own. Nothing more pure, more devoid of evil +suggestion, can be imagined. It is a sad fact that the poor children +trained to the execution of this harmless and pleasing dance are +destined, in their riper years, to give their charms and graces to the +service of the devil in the 'Chon Nookee'. The umbrella dance is similar +to the one just described, the main difference being the use of a small, +gaily colored umbrella in place of the fan. + +Crossing from Japan to China, the Prude will find a condition of things +which, for iron severity of morals, is perhaps unparalleled--no dancing +whatever, by either profligate or virtuous women. To whatever original +cause we may attribute this peculiarity, it seems eternal, for the women +of the upper classes have an ineradicable habit of so mutilating their +feet that even the polite and comparatively harmless accomplishment of +walking is beyond their power, those of the lower orders have not sense +enough to dance, and that men should dance alone is a proposition of +such free and forthright idiocy as to be but obscurely conceivable to +any understanding not having the gift of maniacal inspiration, or the +normal advantage of original incapacity. Altogether, we may rightly +consider China the heaven appointed _habitat_ of people who dislike the +dance. + +In Siam, what little is known of dancing is confined to the people of +Laos. The women are meek eyed, spiritless creatures, crushed under the +heavy domination of the stronger sex. Naturally, their music and dancing +are of a plaintive, almost doleful character, not without a certain +cloying sweetness, however. The dancing is as graceful as the pudgy +little bodies of the women are capable of achieving--a little more +pleasing than the capering of a butcher's block, but not quite so much +so as that of a wash tub. Its greatest merit is the steely rigor of its +decorum. The dancers, however, like ourselves, are a shade less +appallingly proper off the floor than on it. + +In no part of the world, probably, is the condition of women more +consummately deplorable than in India, and, in consequence, nowhere than +in the dances of that country is manifested a more simple +unconsciousness or frank disregard of decency. As by nature, and +according to the light that is in him, the Hindu is indolent and +licentious, so, in accurately matching degree, are the dancing girls +innocent of morality, and uninfected with shame. It would be difficult, +more keenly to insult a respectable Hindu woman than to accuse her of +having danced, while the man who should affect the society of the +females justly so charged would incur the lasting detestation of his +race. The dancing girls are of two orders of infamy--those who serve in +the temples, and are hence called Devo Dasi, slaves of the gods, and the +Nautch girls, who dance in a secular sort for hire. Frequently a mother +will make a vow to dedicate her unborn babe, if it have the obedience to +be a girl, to the service of some particular god, in this way, and by +the daughters born to themselves, are the ranks of the Devo Dasi +recruited. The sons of these miserable creatures are taught to play upon +musical instruments for their mothers and sisters to dance by. As the +ordinary Hindu woman is careless about the exposure of her charms, so +these dancers take intelligent and mischievous advantage of the social +situation by immodestly concealing their own. The Devo Dasi actually go +to the length of wearing clothes! Each temple has a band of eight or ten +of these girls, who celebrate their saltatory rites morning and evening. +Advancing at the head of the religious procession, they move themselves +in an easy and graceful manner, with gradual transition to a more +sensuous and voluptuous motion, suiting their action to the religious +frame of mind of the devout until their well-rounded limbs and lithe +figures express a degree of piety consonant with the purpose of the +particular occasion. They attend all public ceremonies and festivals, +executing their audacious dances impartially for gods and men. + +The Nautch girls are purchased in infancy, and as carefully trained in +their wordly way as the Devo Dasi for the diviner function, being about +equally depraved. All the large cities contain full sets of these girls, +with attendant musicians, ready for hire at festivals of any kind, and +by leaving orders parties are served at their residences with fidelity +and dispatch. Commonly they dance two at a time, but frequently some +wealthy gentleman will secure the services of a hundred or more to +assist him through the day without resorting to questionable expedients +of time-killing. Their dances require strict attention, from the +circumstance that their feet--like those of the immortal equestrienne of +Banbury Cross--are hung with small bells, which must be made to sound in +concert with the notes of the musicians. In attitude and gesture they +are almost as bad as their pious sisters of the temples. The endeavor is +to express the passions of love, hope, jealousy, despair, etc, and they +eke out this mimicry with chanted songs in every way worthy of the +movements of which they are the explanatory notes. These are the only +women in Hindustan whom it is thought worth while to teach to read and +write. If they would but make as noble use of their intellectual as they +do of their physical education, they might perhaps produce books as +moral as _The Dance of Death_. + +In Persia and Asia Minor, the dances and dancers are nearly alike. In +both countries the Georgian and Circassian slaves who have been taught +the art of pleasing, are bought by the wealthy for their amusement and +that of their wives and concubines. Some of the performances are pure in +motive and modest in execution, but most of them are interesting +otherwise. The beautiful young Circassian slave, clad in loose robes of +diaphanous texture, takes position, castanets in hand, on a square rug, +and to the music of a kind of violin goes through the figures of her +dance, her whiteness giving her an added indelicacy which the European +spectator misses in the capering of her berry brown sisters in sin of +other climes. + +The dance of the Georgian is more spirited. Her dress is a brief skirt +reaching barely to the knees and a low cut chemise. In her night black +hair is wreathed a bright red scarf or string of pearls. The music, at +first low and slow increases by degrees in rapidity and volume, then +falls away almost to silence, again swells and quickens and so +alternates, the motions of the dancer's willowy and obedient figure +accurately according now seeming to swim languidly, and anon her little +feet having their will of her, and fluttering in midair like a couple of +birds. She is an engaging creature, her ways are ways of pleasantness, +but whether all her paths are peace depends somewhat, it is reasonable +to conjecture, upon the circumspection of her daily walk and +conversation when relegated to the custody of her master's wives. + +In some parts of Persia the dancing of boys appareled as women is held +in high favor, but exactly what wholesome human sentiment it addresses I +am not prepared to say. + + + + +VIII + +IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE + + +From the rapid and imperfect review of certain characteristic oriental +dances in the chapters immediately preceding--or rather from the studies +some of whose minor results those chapters embody--I make deduction of a +few significant facts, to which facts of contrary significance seem +exceptional. In the first place, it is to be noted that in countries +where woman is conspicuously degraded the dance is correspondingly +depraved. By "the dance," I mean, of course, those characteristic and +typical performances which have permanent place in the social life of +the people. Amongst all nations the dance exists in certain loose and +unrecognized forms, which are the outgrowth of the moment--creatures of +caprice, posing and pranking their brief and inglorious season, to be +superseded by some newer favorite, born of some newer accident or fancy. +A fair type of these ephemeral dances--the comets of the saltatory +system--in so far as they can have a type, is the now familiar _Can-Can_ +of the Jardin Mabille--a dance the captivating naughtiness of which has +given it wide currency in our generation, the successors to whose aged +rakes and broken bawds it will fail to please and would probably make +unhappy. Dances of this character, neither national, universal, nor +enduring, have little value to the student of anything but anatomy and +lingerie. By study of a thousand, the product of as many years, it might +be possible to trace the thread upon which such beads are +strung--indeed, it is pretty obvious without research; but considered +singly they have nothing of profit to the investigator, who will do well +to contemplate without reflection or perform without question, as the +bent of his mind may be observant or experimental. + +Dancing, then, is indelicate where the women are depraved, and to this +it must be added that the women are depraved where the men are indolent. +We need not trouble ourselves to consider too curiously as to cause and +effect. Whether in countries where man is too lazy to be manly, woman +practices deferential adjustment of her virtues to the loose exactions +of his tolerance, or whether for ladies of indifferent modesty their +lords will not make exertion--these are questions for the ethnologer. It +concerns our purpose only to note that the male who sits cross-legged on +a rug and permits his female to do the dancing for both gets a quality +distinctly inferior to that enjoyed by his more energetic brother, +willing himself to take a leg at the game. Doubtless the lazy fellow +prefers the loose gamboling of nude girls to the decent grace and +moderation of a better art, but this, I submit, is an error of taste +resulting from imperfect instruction. + +And here we are confronted with the ever recurrent question. Is dancing +immoral? The reader who has done me the honor attentively to consider +the brief descriptions of certain dances, hereinbefore presented will, +it is believed, be now prepared to answer that some sorts of dancing +indubitably are--a bright and shining example of the type being the +exploit wherein women alone perform and men alone admire. But one of the +arguments by which it is sought to prove dancing immoral in +itself--namely that it provokes evil passions--we are now able to +analyze with the necessary discrimination, assigning to it its just +weight, and tracing its real bearing on the question. Dances like those +described (with, I hope a certain delicacy and reticence) are +undoubtedly disturbing to the spectator. They have in that circumstance +their _raison d'être_. As to that, then, there can be no two opinions. +But observe the male oriental voluptuary does not himself dance. Why? +Partly no doubt, because of his immortal indolence, but mainly, I +venture to think, because he wishes to enjoy his reprehensible emotion, +and this can not coexist with muscular activity If the reader--through +either immunity from improper emotion or unfamiliarity with muscular +activity--entertains a doubt of this, his family physician will be happy +to remove it. Nothing is more certain than that the dancing girls of +oriental countries themselves feel nothing of what they have the skill +to simulate, and the ballet dancer of our own stage is icily unconcerned +while kicking together the smouldering embers in the heart of the wigged +and corseted old beau below her, and playing the duse's delight with the +disobedient imagination of the he Prude posted in the nooks and shadows +thoughtfully provided for him. Stendahl frankly informs us, "I have had +much experience with the _danseuses_ of the ---- Theatre at Valence. I +am convinced that they are, for the most part, very chaste. It is +because their occupation is too fatiguing." + +The same author, by the way, says elsewhere + + I would wish if I were legislator that they should adopt in France + as in Germany the custom of _soirées dansantes_. Four times a month + the young girls go with their mothers to a ball beginning at seven + o'clock, ending at midnight and requiring for all expense, a violin + and some glasses of water. In an adjacent room, the mothers perhaps + a little jealous of the happy education of their daughters play at + cards, in a third the fathers find the newspapers and talk politics. + Between midnight and one o'clock all the family are reunited and + have regained the paternal roof. The young girls learn to know the + young men, the fatuity, and the indiscretion that follows it, become + quickly odious, in a word they learn how to choose a husband. Some + young girls have unfortunate love affairs, but the number of + deceived husbands and unhappy households (_mauvaises ménages_) + diminishes in immense proportion. + +For an iron education in cold virtue there is no school like the +position of sitting master to the wall flowers at a church sociable, but +it is humbly conjectured that even the austere morality of a bald headed +Prude might receive an added iciness if he would but attend one of these +simple dancing bouts disguised as a sweet young girl. + + + + +IX + +COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE + + +Nearly all the great writers of antiquity and of the medieval period who +have mentioned dancing at all have done so in terms of unmistakable +favor; of modern famous authors, they only have condemned it from whose +work, or from what is known of their personal character, we may justly +infer an equal aversion to pretty much everything in the way of pleasure +that a Christian needs not die in order to enjoy. English literature--I +use the word in its noble sense, to exclude all manner of preaching, +whether clerical or lay--is full of the dance; the sound of merry makers +footing it featly to the music runs like an undertone through all the +variations of its theme and fills all its pauses. + +In the "Miller's Tale," Chaucer mentions dancing among the +accomplishments of the parish clerk, along with blood letting and the +drawing of legal documents: + + A merry child he was so God me save, + Wel coud he leten blood and clippe and shave, + And make a chartre of land, and a quitance, + In twenty maners could he trip and dance, + After the scole of Oxenforde tho + And with his legges casten to and fro[A] + + +[Footnote A: On this passage Tyrwhit makes the following judicious +comment: The school of Oxford seems to have been in much the same +estimation for its dancing as that of Stratford for its French--alluding +of course to what is, said in the Prologue of the French spoken by the +Prioress: + + And French she spoke full fayre and fetisly + After the scole of Stratford atte bowe + For French of Paris was to hire unknowe] + + +Milton, the greatest of the Puritans--intellectual ancestry of the +modern degenerate Prudes--had a wholesome love of the dance, and nowhere +is his pen so joyous as in its description in the well known passage +from "Comus" which, should it occur to my memory while delivering a +funeral oration, I am sure I could not forbear to quote, albeit this, +our present argument, is but little furthered by its context + + Meanwhile welcome joy and feast + Midnight shout and revelry + Tipsy dance and jollity + Braid your locks with rosy twine + Dropping odors dropping wine + Rigor now is gone to bed + And advice with scrupulous head + Strict age and sour severity + With their grave saws in slumber lie + We that are of purer fire + Imitate the starry quire + Who in their nightly watching spheres + Lead in swift round the months and years + The sounds and seas with all their finny drove + And on the tawny sands and shelves + Trip the pert fairies and the dapper elves + +If Milton was not himself a good dancer--and as to that point my memory +is unstored with instance or authority--it will at least be conceded +that he was an admirable reporter, with his heart in the business. +Somewhat to lessen the force of the objection that he puts the foregoing +lines into a not very respectable mouth, on a not altogether reputable +occasion, I append the following passage from the same poem, supposed to +be spoken by the good spirit who had brought a lady and her two brothers +through many perils, restoring them to their parents: + + Noble lord and lady bright + I have brought ye new delight + Here behold so goodly grown + Three fair branches of your own + Heaven hath timely tried their youth + Their faith their patience and their truth + And sent them here through hard assays + With a crown of deathless praise + To triumph in victorious dance + O'er sensual folly and intemperance + +The lines on dancing--lines which themselves dance--in "L'Allegro," are +too familiar, I dare not permit myself the enjoyment of quotation. + +Lord Herbert of Cherbury, one of the most finished gentlemen of his +time, otherwise laments in his autobiography that he had never learned +to dance because that accomplishment "doth fashion the body, and gives +one a good presence and address in all companies since it disposeth the +limbs to a kind of _souplesse_ (as the French call it) and agility +insomuch as they seem to have the use of their legs, arms, and bodies +more than many others who, standing stiff and stark in their postures, +seem as if they were taken in their joints, or had not the perfect use +of their members." Altogether, a very grave objection to dancing in the +opinion of those who discountenance it, and I take great credit for +candor in presenting his lordship's indictment. + +In the following pertinent passage from Lemontey I do not remember the +opinion he quotes from Locke, but his own is sufficiently to the point: + + The dance is for young women what the chase is for young men: a + protecting school of wisdom--a preservative of the growing passions. + The celebrated Locke who made virtue the sole end of education, + expressly recommends teaching children to dance as early as they are + able to learn. Dancing carries within itself an eminently cooling + quality and all over the world the tempests of the heart await to + break forth the repose of the limbs. + +In "The Traveller," Goldsmith says: + + Alike all ages dames of ancient days + Have led their children through the mirthful maze + And the gay grandsire skilled in gestic lore + Has frisked beneath the burden of three score. + +To the Prudes, in all soberness--Is it likely, considering the stubborn +conservatism of age, that these dames, well seasoned in the habit, will +leave it off directly, or the impenitent old grandsire abate one jot or +tittle of his friskiness in the near future? Is it a reasonable hope? Is +the outlook from the watch towers of Philistia an encouraging one? + + + + +X + +THEY ALL DANCE + + + Fountains dance down to the river, + Rivers to the ocean + Summer leaflets dance and quiver + To the breeze's motion + Nothing in the world is single-- + All things by a simple rule + Nods and steps and graces mingle + As at dancing school + + See the shadows on the mountain + Pirouette with one another + See the leaf upon the fountain + Dances with its leaflet brother + See the moonlight on the earth + Flecking forest gleam and glance! + What are all these dancings worth + If I may not dance? + + _--After Shelley_ + +Dance? Why not? The dance is natural, it is innocent, wholesome, +enjoyable. It has the sanction of religion, philosophy, science. It is +approved by the sacred writings of all ages and nations--of Judaism, +Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, of Zoroaster and Confucius. Not an altar, +from Jupiter to Jesus, around which the votaries have not danced with +religious zeal and indubitable profit to mind and body. Fire worshipers +of Persia and Peru danced about the visible sign and manifestation to +their deity. Dervishes dance in frenzy, and the Shakers jump up and come +down hard through excess of the Spirit. All the gods have danced with +all the goddesses--round dances, too. The lively divinities created by +the Greeks in their own image danced divinely, as became them. Old Thor +stormed and thundered down the icy halls of the Scandinavian mythology +to the music of runic rhymes, and the souls of slain heroes in Valhalla +take to their toes in celebration of their valorous deeds done in the +body upon the bodies of their enemies. Angels dance before the Great +White Throne to harps attuned by angel hands, and the Master of the +Revels--who arranges the music of the spheres--looks approvingly on. +Dancing is of divine institution. + +The elves and fairies "dance delicate measures" in the light of the moon +and stars. The troll dances his gruesome jig on lonely hills: the gnome +executes his little pigeon wing in the obscure subterrene by the glimmer +of a diamond. Nature's untaught children dance in wood and glade, +stimulated of leg by the sunshine with which they are soaken top +full--the same quickening emanation that inspires the growing tree and +upheaves the hill. And, if I err not, there is sound Scripture for the +belief that these self same eminences have capacity to skip for joy. The +peasant dances--a trifle clumsily--at harvest feast when the grain is +garnered. The stars in heaven dance visibly, the firefly dances in +emulation of the stars. The sunshine dances on the waters. The humming +bird and the bee dance about the flowers which dance to the breeze. The +innocent lamb, type of the White Christ, dances on the green, and the +matronly cow perpetrates an occasional stiff enormity when she fancies +herself unobserved. All the sportive rollickings of all the animals, +from the agile fawn to the unwieldly behemoth are dances taught them by +nature. + +I am not here making an argument for dancing, I only assert its +goodness, confessing its abuse. We do not argue the wholesomeness of +sunshine and cold water, we assert it, admitting that sunstroke is +mischievous and that copious potations of freezing water will founder a +superheated horse, and urge the hot blood to the head of an imprudent +man similarly prepared, killing him, as is right. We do not build +syllogisms to prove that grains and fruits of the earth are of God's +best bounty to man; we allow that bad whisky may--with difficulty--be +distilled from rye to spoil the toper's nose, and that hydrocyanic acid +can be got out of the bloomy peach. It were folly to prove that Science +and Invention are our very good friends, yet the sapper who has had the +misfortune to be blown to rags by the mine he was preparing for his +enemy will not deny that gunpowder has aptitudes of mischief; and from +the point of view of a nigger ordered upon the safety-valve of a racing +steamboat, the vapor of water is a thing accurst. Shall we condemn music +because the lute makes "lascivious pleasing?" Or poetry because some +amorous bard tells in warm rhyme the story of the passions, and +Swinburne has had the goodness to make vice offensive with his hymns in +its praise? Or sculpture because from the guiltless marble may be +wrought a drunken Silenus or a lechering satyr?--painting because the +untamed fancies of a painter sometimes break tether and run riot on his +canvas? Because the orator may provoke the wild passions of the mob, +shall there be no more public speaking?--no further acting because the +actor may be pleased to saw the air, or the actress display her ultimate +inch of leg? Shall we upset the pulpit because poor dear Mr. Tilton had +a prettier wife than poor, dear Mr. Beecher? The bench had its Jeffrey, +yet it is necessary that we have the deliveries of judgment between +ourselves and the litigious. The medical profession has nursed poisoners +enough to have baned all the rats of christendom; but the resolute +patient must still have his prescription--if he die for it. Shall we +disband our armies because in the hand of an ambitious madman a +field-marshal's baton may brain a helpless State?--our navies because in +ships pirates have "sailed the seas over?" Let us not commit the +vulgarity of condemning the dance because of its possibilities of +perversion by the vicious and the profligate. Let us not utter us in hot +bosh and baking nonsense, but cleave to reason and the sweet sense of +things. + +Dancing never made a good girl bad, nor turned a wholesome young man to +evil ways. "Opportunity!" simpers the tedious virgin past the +wall-flower of her youth. "Opportunity!" cackles the _blasé_ beau who +has outlasted his legs and gone deaconing in a church. + +Opportunity, indeed! There is opportunity in church and school-room, in +social intercourse. There is opportunity in libraries, art-galleries, +picnics, street-cars, Bible-classes and at fairs and matinées. +Opportunity--rare, delicious opportunity, not innocently to be +ignored--in moonlight rambles by still streams. Opportunity, such as it +is, behind the old gentleman's turned back, and beneath the good +mother's spectacled nose. You shall sooner draw out leviathan with a +hook, or bind Arcturus and his sons, than baffle the upthrust of +Opportunity's many heads. Opportunity is a veritable Hydra, Argus and +Briareus rolled into one. He has a hundred heads to plan his poachings, +a hundred eyes to spy the land, a hundred hands to set his snares and +springes. In the country where young girls are habitually unattended in +the street; where the function of chaperon is commonly, and, it should +be added, intelligently performed by some capable young male; where the +young women receive evening calls from young men concerning whose +presence in the parlor mamma in the nursery and papa at the +"office"--poor, overworked papa!--give themselves precious little +trouble,--this prate of ball-room opportunity is singularly and +engagingly idiotic. The worthy people who hold such language may justly +boast themselves superior to reason and impregnable to light. The only +effective reply to these creatures would be a cuffing, the well meant +objections of another class merit the refutation of distinct +characterization. It is the old talk of devotees about sin, of topers +concerning water, temperance men of gin, and albeit it is neither wise +nor witty, it is becoming in us at whom they rail to deal mercifully +with them. In some otherwise estimable souls one of these harmless brain +cracks may be a right lovable trait of character. + +Issues of a social import as great as a raid against dancing have been +raised ere now. Will the coming man smoke? Will the coming man drink +wine? These tremendous and imperative problems only recently agitated +some of the "thoughtful minds" in our midst. By degrees they lost their +preeminence, they were seen to be in process of solution without social +cataclysm, they have, in a manner been referred for disposal to the +coming man himself, that is to say, they have been dropped, and are +to-day as dead as Julius Cæsar. The present hour has, in its turn, +produced its own awful problem: Will the coming woman waltz? + +As a question of mere fact the answer is patent: She will. Dancing will +be good for her; she will like it; so she is going to waltz. But the +question may rather be put--to borrow phraseology current among her +critics: Had she oughter?--from a moral point of view, now. From a moral +point, then, let us seek from analogy some light on the question of +what, from its actual, practical bearings, may be dignified by the name +Conundrum. + +Ought a man not to smoke?--from a moral point of view. The economical +view-point, the view-point of convenience, and all the rest of them, are +not now in question; the simple question is: Is it immoral to smoke? And +again--still from the moral point of view: Is it immoral to drink wine? +Is it immoral to play at cards?--to visit theaters? (In Boston you go to +some + + harmless "Museum," + Where folks who like plays may religiously see 'em.) + +Finally, then--and always from the same elevated view-point: Is it +immoral to waltz? + +The suggestions here started will not be further pursued in this place. +It is quite pertinent now to note that we do smoke because we like it; +and do drink wine because we like it; and do waltz because we like it, +and have the added consciousness that it is a duty. I am sorry for a +fellow-creature--male--who knows not the comfort of a cigar; sorry and +concerned for him who is innocent of the knowledge of good and evil that +lurk respectively in Chambertin and cheap "claret." Nor is my compassion +altogether free from a sense of superiority to the object of +it--superiority untainted, howbeit, by truculence. I perceive that life +has been bestowed upon him for purposes inscrutable to me, though dimly +hinting its own justification as a warning or awful example. So, too, of +the men and women--"beings erect, and walking upon two [uneducated] +legs"--whose unsophisticated toes have never, inspired by the rosy, +threaded the labyrinth of the mazy ere courting the kindly offices of +the balmy. It is only human to grieve for them, poor things! + +But if their throbbing bunions, encased in clumsy high-lows, be obtruded +to trip us in our dance, shall we not stamp on them? Yea, verily, while +we have a heel to crunch with and a leg to grind it home. + + + + +XI + +LUST, QUOTH'A! + + +You have danced? Ah, good. You have waltzed? Better. You have felt the +hot blood hound through your veins, as your beautiful partner, compliant +to the lightest pressure of your finger-tips, her breath responsive, +matched her every motion with yours? Best of all--for you have served in +the temple--you are of the priesthood of manhood. You cannot +misunderstand, you will not deliver false oracle. + +Do you remember your first waltz with the lovely woman whom you had +longed like a man but feared like a boy to touch--even so much as the +hem of her garment? Can you recall the time, place and circumstance? Has +not the very first bar of the music that whirled you away been singing +itself in your memory ever since? Do you recall the face you then looked +into, the eyes that seemed deeper than a mountain tarn, the figure that +you clasped, the beating of the heart, the warm breath that mingled with +your own? Can you faintly, as in a dream--_blasé_ old dancer that you +are--invoke a reminiscence of the delirium that stormed your soul, +expelling the dull demon in possession? Was it lust, as the Prudes +aver--the poor dear Prudes, with the feel of the cold wall familiar to +the leathery backs of them? + +It was the gratification--the decent, honorable, legal gratification--of +the passion for rhythm; the unconditional surrender to the supreme law +of periodicity, under conditions of exact observance by all external +things. The notes of the music repeat and supplement each other; the +lights burn with answering flame at sequent distances; the walls, the +windows, doors, mouldings, frescoes, iterate their lines, their levels, +and panels, interminable of combination and similarity; the inlaid floor +matches its angles, multiplies its figures, does over again at this +point what it did at that; the groups of dancers deploy in couples, +aggregate in groups, and again deploy, evoking endless resemblances. And +all this rhythm and recurrence, borne in upon the brain--itself +rhythmic--through intermittent senses, is converted into motion, and the +mind, yielding utterly to its environment, knows the happiness of faith, +the ecstasy of compliance, the rapture of congruity. And this the dull +dunces--the eyeless, earless, brainless and bloodless callosites of +cavil--are pleased to call lust! + + O ye, who teach the ingenuous youth of nations + The Boston Dip, the German and the Glide, + I pray you guard them upon all occasions + From contact of the palpitating side; + Requiring that their virtuous gyrations + Shall interpose a space a furlong wide + Between the partners, lest their thoughts grow lewd-- + So shall we satisfy the exacting Prude. + + --_Israfel Brown_. + + + + +XII + +OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS + + +It is depressing to realize how little most of us know of the dancing of +our ancestors. I would give value to behold the execution of a coranto +and inspect the steps of a cinque-pace, having assurance that the +performances assuming these names were veritably identical with their +memorable originals. We possess the means of verifying somewhat as to +the nature of the minuet; but after what fashion did our revered +grandfather do his rigadoon and his gavot? What manner of thing was that +pirouet in the deft execution of which he felt an honest exultation? And +what were the steps of his contra (or country) and Cossack dances? What +tune was that--"The Devil amongst the Fiddlers"--for which he clamored, +to inspire his feats of leg? + +In our fathers' time we read: + + I wore my blue coat and brass buttons, very high in the neck, short + in the waist and sleeves, nankeen trousers and white silk stockings, + and a white waistcoat. I performed all the steps accurately and with + great agility. + +Which, it appears, gained the attention of the company. And it well +might, for the year was 1830, and the mode of performing the cotillion +of the period was undergoing the metamorphosis of which the perfect +development has been familiar to ourselves. In its next stage the male +celebrant is represented to us as "hopping about with a face expressive +of intense solemnity, dancing as if a quadrille"--mark the newer +word--"were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to the +feelings." There is a smack of ancient history about this, too; it lurks +in the word "hopping." In the perfected development of this dance as +known to ourselves, no stress of caricature would describe the movement +as a hopping. But our grandfather not only hopped, he did more. He +sprang from the floor and quivered. In midair he crossed his feet twice +and even three times, before alighting. And our budding grandmother +beheld, and experienced flutterings of the bosom at his manly +achievements. Some memory of these feats survived in the performances of +the male ballet-dancers--a breed now happily extinct. A fine old +lady--she lives, aged eighty-two--showed me once the exercise of +"setting to your partner," performed in her youth; and truly it was +right marvelous. She literally bounced hither and thither, effecting a +twisting in and out of the feet, a patting and a flickering of the toes +incredibly intricate. For the celebration of these rites her partner +would array himself in morocco pumps with cunningly contrived buckles of +silver, silk stockings, salmon-colored silk breeches tied with abundance +of riband, exuberant frills, or "chitterlings," which puffed out at the +neck and bosom not unlike the wattles of a he-turkey; and under his +arms--as the fowl roasted might have carried its gizzard--our +grandfather pressed the flattened simulacrum of a cocked hat. At this +interval of time charity requires us to drop over the lady's own costume +a veil that, tried by our canons of propriety, it sadly needed. She was +young and thoughtless, the good grandmother; she was conscious of the +possession of charms and concealed them not. + +To the setting of these costumes, manners and practices, there was +imported from Germany a dance called Waltz, which as I conceive, was the +first of our "round" dances. It was welcomed by most persons who could +dance, and by some superior souls who could not. Among the latter, the +late Lord Byron--whose participation in the dance was barred by an +unhappy physical disability--addressed the new-comer in characteristic +verse. Some of the lines in this ingenious nobleman's apostrophe are not +altogether intelligible, when applied to any dance that we know by the +name of waltz. For example: + + Pleased round the chalky floor, how well they trip, + One hand[A] reposing on the royal hip, + The other to the shoulder no less royal + Ascending with affection truly loyal. + +[Footnote A: _I.e._ one of the lady's hands.] + +These lines imply an attitude unknown to contemporary waltzers, but the +description involves no poetic license. Our dear grandmothers (giddy, +giddy girls!) did their waltz that way. Let me quote: + + The lady takes the gentleman round the neck with one arm, resting + against his shoulder. During the motion, the dancers are continually + changing their relative situations: now the gentleman brings his arm + about the lady's neck, and the lady takes him round the waist. + +At another point, the lady may "lean gently on his shoulder," their arms +(as it appears) "entwining." This description is by an eyewitness, whose +observation is taken, not at the rather debauched court of the Prince +Regent, but at the simple republican assemblies of New York. The +observer is the gentle Irving, writing in 1807. Occasional noteworthy +experiences they must have had--those modest, blooming grandmothers--for, +it is to be borne in mind, tipsiness was rather usual with dancing +gentlemen in the fine old days of Port and Madeira; and the blithe, +white-armed grandmothers themselves did sip their punch, to a man. +However, we may forbear criticism. We, at least, owe nothing but +reverent gratitude to a generation from which we derive life, waltzing +and the memory of Madeira. Even when read, as it needs should be read, +in the light of that prose description of the dance to which it was +addressed, Lord Byron's welcome to the waltz will be recognized as one +more illustration of a set of hoary and moss-grown truths. + + As parlor-soldiers, graced with fancy-scars, + Rehearse their bravery in imagined wars; + As paupers, gathered in congenial flocks, + Babble of banks, insurances, and stocks; + As each if oft'nest eloquent of what + He hates or covets, but possesses not; + As cowards talk of pluck; misers of waste; + Scoundrels of honor; country clowns of taste; + Ladies of logic; devotees of sin; + Topers of water; temperance men of gin-- + +my lord Byron sang of waltzing. Let us forgive and--remembering his poor +foot--pity him. Yet the opinions of famous persons possess an interest +that is akin, in the minds of many plain folk, to weight. Let us, then, +incline an ear to another: "Laura was fond of waltzing, as every brisk +and innocent young girl should be," wrote he than who none has written +more nobly in our time--he who "could appreciate good women and describe +them; and draw them more truly than any novelist in the language, except +Miss Austen." The same sentiment with reference to dancing appears in +many places in his immortal pages. In his younger days as _attaché_ of +legation in Germany, Mr. Thackeray became a practiced waltzer. As a +censor he thus possesses over Lord Byron whatever advantage may accrue +from knowledge of the subject whereof he wrote. + +We are happily not called upon to institute a comparison of character +between the two distinguished moralists, though the same, drawn +masterly, might not be devoid of entertainment and instruction. But two +or three other points of distinction should be kept in mind as having +sensible relation to the question of competency to bear witness. Byron +wrote of the women of a corrupted court; Thackeray of the women of that +society indicated by the phrase "Persons whom one meets"--and meets +_now_. Byron wrote of an obsolete dance, described by Irving in terms of +decided strength; Thackeray wrote of our own waltz. In turning off his +brilliant and witty verses it is unlikely that any care as to their +truthfulness disturbed the glassy copiousness of the Byronic utterance; +this child of nature did never consider too curiously of justice, +moderation and such inventions of the schools. The key-note of all the +other wrote is given by his faithful pen when it avers that it never +"signed the page that registered a lie." Byron was a "gentleman of wit +and pleasure about town"; Thackeray the father of daughters. However, +all this is perhaps little to the purpose. We owe no trifling debt to +Lord Byron for his sparkling and spirited lines, and by no good dancer +would they be "willingly let die." Poetry, music, dancing--they are one +art. The muses are sisters, yet they do not quarrel. Of a truth, even as +was Laura, so every brisk and innocent young girl should be. And it is +safe to predict that she will be. If she would enjoy the advantage of +belonging to Our Set she must be. + +As a rule, the ideas of the folk who cherish a prejudice against dancing +are crude rather than unclean--the outcome much more of ignorance than +salacity. Of course there are exceptions. In my great work on The Prude +all will be attended to with due discrimination in apportionment of +censure. At present the spirit of the dance makes merry with my pen, for +from yonder "stately pleasure-dome" (decreed by one Kubla Khan, formerly +of The Big Bonanza Mining Company) the strains of the _Blue Danube_ +float out upon the night. Avaunt, miscreants! lest we chase ye with +flying feet and do our little dance upon your unwholesome carcasses. +Already the toes of our partners begin to twiddle beneath their +petticoats. Come, then, Stoopid--can't you move? No!--they change it to +a galop--and eke the good old Sturm. Firm and steady, now, fair partner +mine, whiles we run that _gobemouche_ down and trample him miserably. +There: light and softly again--the servants will remove the remains. + +And hark! that witching strain once more: + +[Illustration: Music tablature] + + + + +EPIGRAMS + + + + +If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the +country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike +hypocrites of Canada. + + +To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, +and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of +interrogation. + + +"Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb. + + +In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be +construed as indifference. + + * * * * * + +True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman. + + +Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it. + + +Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and the needle +forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and never intermits. Since +it has been found that the axis of the earth wabbles, stupidity is +indispensable as a standard of constancy. + + +In order that the list of able women may be memorized for use at +meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately made it brief. + + +Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours. + + + A little heap of dust, + A little streak of rust, + A stone without a name-- + Lo! hero, sword and fame. + + +Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman's lack of +temptation and man's lack of opportunity. + + +"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the philosopher. "May you +live forever!" + + +The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by setting it in +brass is writing "dialect" for publication. + + +"Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?" + +"I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude." + +"Then thou dost not deserve to find her." + +"True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. But who art +thou, to be so wise?" + +"I am Gratitude--farewell forever." + + +There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed +himself; whereas he is a fool then only. + + +The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the kingdoms that +he set up have disappeared. But all the armies and statecraft of Europe +cannot unsay what you have said. + + + Strive not for singularity in dress; + Fools have the more and men of sense the less. + To look original is not worth while, + But be in mind a little out of style. + + +A conqueror arose from the dead. "Yesterday," he said, "I ruled half the +world." "Please show me the half that you ruled," said an angel, +pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor floating in space. "That is the +world." + + +"Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?" + +"My name is Avarice. What is thine?" + +"Unselfishness." + +"Where is thy clothing, placid one?" + +"Thou art wearing it." + + +To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To +laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand. + + +If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much +greater than they. + + +To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he has--such is +the hope of him who seeks the admiration of posterity. The character of +his work does not matter; he is a humorist. + + +Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact. + + +To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, cultivate a +generous disposition. + + +Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that +you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast. + + +When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for assent the safest +way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the unreasoning brutes, and +believe both. + + +Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently +presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it +a numerical presumption. + + +A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you +dance, but you can't let go. + + +Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. Merit stepped +off into the mud and went round him, bowing his apologies, which Success +had the grace to accept. + + + "I think," says the philosopher divine, + "Therefore I am." Sir, here's a surer sign: + We know we live, for with our every breath + We feel the fear and imminence of death. + + +The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask him and he +will prove it. + + +He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will always have +his choice, for no injustice can be done to him. + + +There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness hereafter as there +are minds that have marred their happiness here. + + +We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we were +immortal we should not crave immortality. + + +A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the +rabbit. + + +Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold his tongue, +ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen. + + +The most charming view in the world is obtained by introspection. + + +Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly and the +player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one incomparable +advantage: he is not the stake. + + +It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the jungle, for +commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the open. + + +We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our judgment +need not, therefore, go to confession. + + +Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the other in +marriage. + + +If you give alms from compassion, why require the beneficiary to be "a +deserving object"? No other adversity is so sharp as destitution of +merit. + + +Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a particular +privation. + + + O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain + To get by giving what you lost by gain. + With every gift you do but swell the cloud + Of witnesses against you, swift and loud-- + Accomplices who turn and swear you split + Your life: half robber and half hypocrite. + You're least unsafe when most intact you hold + Your curst allotment of dishonest gold. + + +The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of the success of +another. + + + If Inclination challenge, stand and fight-- + From Opportunity the wise take flight. + + +What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man +most admires in a woman is devotion to himself. + + +Those who most loudly invite God's attention to themselves when in peril +of death are those who should most fervently wish to escape his +observation. + + +When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair +to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours. + + +How fascinating is Antiquity!--in what a golden haze the ancients lived +their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our enchanting time Posterity's +great poets will sing immortal songs, and its archæologists will +reverently uncover the foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime +we swap jack-knives. + + +Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a cent puts +aside the temptation to manipulate the market or acquire a monopoly. + + +For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a needless +expense. + + + "There's no free will," says the philosopher; + "To hang is most unjust." + "There is no free will," assents the officer; + "We hang because we must." + + +Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is why we know +so much about the Hereafter and so little about the Heretofore. + + +Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we should accept the +act of cackling geese in saving Rome as partial reparation. + + +There are two classes of women who may do as they please; those who are +rich and those who are poor. The former can count on assent, the latter +on inattention. + + +When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as the guest of +Love she turns her host out of doors. + + +Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is known as the +Future; Age knows her as the Dream. + + +"Who art thou, there in the mire?" + +"Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in fear on the +brink of the bog." + +"A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, sometimes known +as Dry-foot." + + +In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is uprooted or +rooted up. The difference is in the reformer. + + +The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the sexes: no man +is so base but some woman is base enough to love him. + + +Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on the verge of +the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the notable feat of turning +about knows himself the central figure in the universe. + + +Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it. + + +If women did the writing of the world, instead of the talking, men would +be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, grace and goodness. + + +Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss your +companion and say farewell. + + +Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience prate of the +value of life. + + +The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. +It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or +possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another. + + +The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake +the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature. + + +Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into the head there +is no dissension; only an eviction. + + +If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it. + + +"Where goest thou, Ignorance?" + +"To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril." + +"I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge." + +"Scoundrel! Thou art the peril." + + +A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her thoughts +and virtuously flies from the temptation of her desires. + + +The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who if you were +hungry would take you by the café. + + +When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a diplomatic +intimation; when ready, a diplomat. + + +If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it would in +the long run be half the time right. + + +The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the +business known as gambling. + + +A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is faithful to that +which is neither pleased nor profited by her fidelity. + + +Of one who was "foolish" the creators of our language said that he was +"fond." That we have not definitely reversed the meanings of the words +should be set down to the credit of our courtesy. + + +Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer in the +wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to denounce a +successful mob. + + + Artistically set to grace + The wall of a dissecting-place, + A human pericardium + Was fastened with a bit of gum, + While, simply underrunning it, + The one word, "Charity," was writ + To show the student band that hovered + About it what it once had covered. + + +Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good reputation is +helpful to virtue. + + +When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or +doctrine go upward. + + +We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled +to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect. + + +Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra's nose would +have changed the fortunes of the world. But having said this, he has +said nothing, for all the forces of nature and all the power of +dynasties could not have added an inch to the length of Cleopatra's +nose. + + +Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman is the only +necessary having the boldness and address to compel recognition as a +luxury. + + +"I am the seat of the affections," said the heart. + +"Thank you," said the judgment, "you save my face." + +"Who art thou that weepest?" + +"Man." + +"Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. Study me and +learn that nothing matters." + +"Then how does it matter that I weep?" + + +A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it implies +something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of our importance; +whereas an injury presupposes some degree of consideration. "The +black-guards!" said a traveler whom Sicilian brigands had released +without ransom; "did they think me a person of no consequence?" + + +The people's plaudits are unheard in hell. + + +Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no chances. + + +If there was a world before this we must all have died impenitent. + + +We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, the clever, a +good one. + + +If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being one this +would be a world of wrath. + + +Force and charm are important elements of character, but it counts for +little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a lion. + + + Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool: + Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool? + + +A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites +them to think something else. + + +Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him with long ears +and a tail. Man's conception is higher and truer: he thinks of him as +somewhat resembling a man. + + +Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling. + + +The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own distorted image +and seeks to propitiate it. + + +Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in the land, +but do not hope that the life insurance companies will offer thee +special rates. + + +Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be Darwin's theory of +the descent of Man from the Ape may find comfort in the hope of his +return. + + +A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you shall not so +readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher as a philosopher that +you are a fool. + + +A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of the art +accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination. + + +When publicly censured our first instinct is to make everybody a +codefendant. + + + O lady fine, fear not to lead + To Hymen's shrine a clown: + Love cannot level up, indeed, + But he can level down. + + +Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. It is a +faithful man who is willing to be watched by a half-dozen wives. + + +The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen. + +"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose +Innocence?" + +"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that +she is a virtue." + + +It is a wise "man's man" who knows what it is that he despises in a +"ladies' man." + + +If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would boast of the +adoration they inspire. + + +The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of +conformity. + + +Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their +way to the dumps. + + +A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the superiority of her +sex. + +"At last," she said, "I shall have rest and honors." + +"Enter," said Saint Peter; "thou shalt wash the faces of the dear little +cherubim." + + +To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest unless she can +make a particular application of it. And we say that women are not +practical! + + +The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the learned know +the shallowness of their learning. + + +He who relates his success in charming woman's heart may be assured of +his failure to charm man's ear. + + + What poignant memories the shadows bring; + What songs of triumph in the dawning ring! + By night a coward and by day a king. + + +When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine +own is open at thy feet. + + +As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type and +standard, so the critic's theories are imposed by his own limitations. + + +"Heaven lies about us in our infancy," and our neighbors take up the +tale as we mature. + + + "My laws," she said, "are of myself a part: + I read them by examining my heart." + "True," he replied; "like those to Moses known, + Thine also are engraven upon stone." + + +Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one's self one +turns to consider one's dream. + + +"Halt!--who goes there?" + +"Death." + +"Advance, Death, and give the countersign." + +"How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou shalt enter +mine." + +"What! I a deserter?" + +"Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies of mankind." + +"Who are they?" + +"Life and the Fear of Death." + + +The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they +signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most +loves to close upon. + + + Ah, woe is his, with length of living cursed, + Who, nearing second childhood, had no first. + Behind, no glimmer, and before no ray-- + A night at either end of his dark day. + + +A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible with a +spirited zeal in defamation of women. + + +The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for +love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money. + + +He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for disparagement of +genius is like one who should plead robbery in excuse of theft. + + +The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that which finds +expression in pretended remorse for impossible gallantries. + + +Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is true. For that +which is both new and true we must go duly accredited to the gods and +await their pleasure. + + +The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of Reason must +be submitted even the claims of Faith. + + +"Whither goest thou?" said the angel. + +"I know not." + +"And whence hast thou come?" + +"I know not." + +"But who art thou?" + +"I know not." + +"Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on to the +place whence thou hast come." + + +If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they are the most +harmonious brothers that ever were seen. + + +Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a rascal is one +who knows not how to think. + + + Do you to others as you would + That others do to you; + But see that you no service good + Would have from others that they could + Not rightly do. + + +Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: balky horses +may best be made to go by having their ears bitten. + + +Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and exacted a +certain gratitude for the distinction of his preference. + + +A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a +dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the +lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right +or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other +links. + + +He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a +natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, +unlike those of the wise, harden with age. + + +These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having learned; to +draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of +things. + + +Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love seem the +first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved once. + + +Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons +of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural +implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil. + + +To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When the young die +and the old live, nature's machinery is working with the friction that +we name grief. + + +Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women. + + +Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If Man knew +his insignificance in the scheme of things he would not think it worth +while to rise from barbarity to enlightenment. But it is only through +enlightenment that he can know. + + +Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by +tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your +arrival is already recorded. + + +The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It +will probably rain"--that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"--that is +natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists +because so great is his humility that he does not think it important +that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no +artifice to make us forget him. + + + On fair foundations Theocrats unwise + Rear superstructures that offend the skies. + "Behold," they cry, "this pile so fair and tall! + Come dwell within it and be happy all." + But they alone inhabit it, and find, + Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the mind. + + +If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit thou art an anarchist, and if +thou take not his word thou shalt take nothing that he hath. Make haste, +therefore, to be civil to thy betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is +the foundation of the state. + + +Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate. + + +When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register. + + +When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam and accused +him of infidelity. + + +"Why dost thou weep?" + +"For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall +never again see her!" + +"Thy wife will never again see thee, yet +she does not weep." + + +What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, etiquette is +to civility. + + +"Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe's raggedness +seemest to enjoy thyself?" + +"Naught else is enjoyable--I am Contentment." + +"Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in my fine +attire." + +"I have no shirt. Pass on, Success." + + +Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, even +beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To affect a spurious +ignorance is to disclose a genuine. + + +Because you will not take by theft what you can have by cheating, think +not yours is the only conscience in the world. Even he who permits you +to cheat his neighbor will shrink from permitting you to cheat himself. + + +"God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?" + +"Wisdom. And thine?" + +"Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?" + +"This is an intersection of our paths." + +"Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same road?" + +"We were well named if we knew." + + +Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind +of infidelity. + + +Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes +dishonest. + + +The philosopher's profoundest conviction is that which he is most +reluctant to express, lest he mislead. + + +When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may choose a +person who is willing. + + +The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself. + + +In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposed a +tax on fools. + +"The right honorable and generous gentleman," said a member, "forgets +that we already have it in the poll tax." + +"Whose dead body is that?" + +"Credulity's." + +"By whom was he slain?" + +"Credulity." + +"Ah, suicide." + +"No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and swallowed all that +was set before him." + + +Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat. + + +Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is no proof of +poverty. + + +Courage is the acceptance of the gambler's chance: a brave man bets +against the game of the gods. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"A philanthropist. And thou?" + +"A pauper." + +"Away! you have nothing to relieve my need." + + +Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, for nothing is +before. + + + Think not, O man, the world has any need + That thou canst truly serve by word or deed. + Serve thou thy better self, nor care to know + How God makes righteousness and roses grow. + + +In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: by the use of +an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion can be made to seem a +religious ecstasy. + + +The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his +self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery. + + +One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the understanding. + + + +If the righteous thought death what they think they think it they would +search less diligently for divine ordinances against suicide. + + + Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail: + Injustice can the just alone assail. + Deny compassion to the wretch who swerved, + Till all who, fainting, walked aright are served. + + +The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is trimmed with +feathers of the white blackbird. + + +All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a +philosopher. + + +Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then +sets up as a fountain. + + +The present is the frontier between the desert of the past and the +garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment. + + +The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention than it is +worth. + + +At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater at death +than at the noon of life. + + +Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce the errors +of youth for those of age. + + +From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, a season. +Age comes in a night and is incredible. + + +Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with "How are +you?" and he replies: "On the contrary, how are _you_?" pass on. + + +If all thought were audible none would be deemed discreditable. We know, +indeed, that bad thoughts are universal, but that is not the same thing +as catching them at being so. + + +"All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you blundered +into it," said Satan, ejecting Hope. "You make trouble wherever you go." + + +Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is present to +answer them. + + +The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. When an +angel wakes one of us dies. + + + The man of "honor" pays his bet + By saving on his lawful debt. + When he to Nature pays his dust + (Not for he would, but for he must) + Men say, "He settled that, 'tis true, + But, faith, it long was overdue." + + +Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first +step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. + + +If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true relation to +the universe. + + +Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his position on +the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning and knows not whither +he is bound. + + +Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting it. + + +As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to the trick +of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy. + + +When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in +adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had. + + +When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why +He then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. + + +She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a crow. He hated +her because she unlocked the cage of his beast. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"Friendship." + +"I am Love; let us travel together." + +"Yes--for a day's journey; then thou arrivest at thy grave." + +"And thou?" + +"I go as far as the grave of Advantage." + + +Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes and spires of +the City of Contentment. + + +You would say of that old man: "He is bald and bent." No; in the +presence of Death he uncovers and bows. + + +If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. Yet every year +has its winter. + + +You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the impossibility of +putting the stones in place. + + +Men were singing the praises of Justice. + +"Not so loud," said an angel; "if you wake her she will put you all to +death." + + +Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the +bogs through which he has floundered. + + +Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we +perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would +abolish evil! + + +One whose falsehoods no longer deceive has forfeited the right to speak +truth. + + +Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is known. + + +To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he who is +persuaded of his incredulity. + + +In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a virtue. + + +That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for not serving +God. + + +A fool's tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his ear commanding +them to silence. + + +If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of love, it +would be sparsely inhabited. + + +To the eye of failure success is an accident with a presumption of +crime. + + +Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his own feet, and +calls it Progress. + + +You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of wayside +roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the route. + + +The world was made a sphere in order that men should not push one +another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks of the sea. + + + Let not the night on thy resentment fall: + Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at all. + The lion ceases if his first leap fail-- + 'Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail. + + +Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made another. + +"Give us that also," said His children. + +"Nay," He replied, "if I give you that you will slay one another till +none is left. You shall have only its name, which is Justice." + +"That is a good name," they said; "we will give it to a virtue of our +own creation." + +So they gave it to Revenge. + + + The sea-bird speeding from the realm of night + Dashes to death against the beacon-light. + Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul, + The ministry of light is guide, not goal. + + +While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your +past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor +guide. + + +"O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?" + +"To spare me thine impetuous embrace." + + +He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent silence, but he +who only believes himself great has embraced a noisy faith. + + +Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or two, and go +our several ways back into the darkness. The mystery is infinitely +pathetic and picturesque. + + +Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills are a-smirk +with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, austere and desolate, +holding a prophecy of doom. + + +It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are not as +other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as to the nature +of the difference. + + +In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward stop until +it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy destination. + + + Seek not for happiness--'tis known + To hope and memory alone; + At dawn--how bright the noon will be! + At eve--how fair it glowed, ah, me! + + +Brain was given to test the heart's credibility as a witness, yet the +philosopher's lady is almost as fine as the clown's wench. + + +"Who art thou, so sorrowful?" + +"Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of +Benevolence." + +"Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence." + +"Wretch! thou art my father and my mother." + + +Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for ourselves nor +resent in others. + + +To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and classify we give +the name Knowledge. + + +"I wish to enter," said the soul of the voluptuary. + +"I am told that all the beautiful women are here." + +"Enter," said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed in. + +"They make the place what it is," added Satan, as the gates clanged. + + +Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without +falling into her hands. + + +Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make restitution to +the accuser. + + +Study good women and ignore the rest, +or he best knows the sex who knows the best. + + +Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. +You may live. + + +Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies +an assumption of superior wisdom. + + +"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at the Gate. + +"I am known as Memory." + +"What presumption!--go back to Hell. And who, perspiring friend, art +thou?" + +"_My_ name is Satan. I am looking for----" + +"Take your penal apparatus and be off." + +And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: "Come along, you scoundrel! you +make happiness wherever you are not." + + +Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In +transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the +original earth clinging to the roots. + + +The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of Remorse. + + +Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, Youth. + + + There are but ten Commandments, true, + But that's no hardship, friend, to you; + The sins whereof no line is writ + You're not commanded to commit. + + +Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited superstition--it is at +night, mostly, that the king thinks. + + +"Who art thou?" said Mercy. + +"Revenge, the father of Justice." + +"Thou wearest thy son's clothing." + +"One must be clad." + +"Farewell--I go to attend thy son." + +"Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle." + + +Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego. + + +Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an owner. + + +You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing +forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are +avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. + + +A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine-bottle. + + +He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on without them. + + +"Who am I?" asked an awakened soul. + +"That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here," answered a +smiling angel; "this is Heaven." + + +Woman's courage is ignorance of danger; man's is hope of escape. + + + When God had finished this terrestrial frame + And all things else, with or without a name, + The Nothing that remained within His hand + Said: "Make me into something fine and grand, + Thine angels to amuse and entertain." + God heard and made it into human brain. + + +If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for already +Nature's knife is at his throat and yours. + + +To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; beware upon whom +you inflict it. + + + Bear me, good oceans, to some isle + Where I may never fear + The snake alurk in woman's smile, + The tiger in her tear. + Yet bear not with me her, O deeps, + Who never smiles and never weeps. + + +Life and Death threw dice for a child. + +"I win!" cried Life. + +"True," said Death, "but you need a nimbler tongue to proclaim your +luck. The stake is already dead of age." + + + How blind is he who, powerless to discern + The glories that about his pathway burn, + Walks unaware the avenues of Dream, + Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam! + O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned + Thy light lies ever upon sea and land. + From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at will, + And sees a Grecian god on every hill! + + +In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, and in age +beseech. + + + A violet softly sighed, + A hollyhock shouted above. + In the heart of the violet, pride; + In the heart of the hollyhock, love. + + +If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them would +flatter them less and content them more. + + +The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve slipped back +into the Garden. "Thank Heaven! I am again in Paradise," said Adam. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following +the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use +of the Project Gutenberg trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8<br /> +  Epigrams, On With the Dance, Negligible Tales</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Ambrose Bierce</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: April 11, 2005 [eBook #15599]<br /> +[Most recently updated: January 30, 2022]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII ***</div> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/image001.jpg" + width="381" + height="640" + alt="Title Page" /> + </div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h1>THE COLLECTED<br/> +WORKS OF<br/> +AMBROSE BIERCE</h1> + + <h2>VOLUME VIII</h2> + + <h2>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</h2> + + <h2>ON WITH THE DANCE</h2> + + <h2>EPIGRAMS</h2> + + <h3>NEW YORK + <br/> + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + <br/> + 1966</h3> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h4>Originally Published 1911 + <br/> + Reprinted 1966</h4> + + <h4>Published by + <br/> + GORDIAN PRESS, INC.</h4> + + <h4>Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638</h4> + + <h4>Printed in the U.S.A. by + <br/> + EDWARD BROTHERS INC. + <br/> + Ann Arbor, Michigan</h4> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<table summary="" style=""> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01"><b>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE">A Bottomless Grave</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#JUPITER_DOKE_BRIGADIER_GENERAL">Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-General</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE">The Widower Turmore</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_CITY_OF_THE_GONE_AWAY">The City of the Gone Away</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_MAJORS_TALE">The Major's Tale</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CURRIED_COW">Curried Cow</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS">A Revolt of the Gods</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BAPTISM_OF_DOBSHO">The Baptism of Dobsho</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_RACE_AT_LEFT_BOWER">The Race at Left Bower</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_FAILURE_OF_HOPE_WANDEL">The Failure of Hope & Wandel</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#PERRY_CHUMLYS_ECLIPSE">Perry Chumly's Eclipse</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_PROVIDENTIAL_INTIMATION">A Providential Intimation</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MR_SWIDDLERS_FLIP_FLAP">Mr. Swiddler's Flip-Flap</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_LITTLE_STORY">The Little Story</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02"><b>THE PARENTICIDE CLUB</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MY_FAVORITE_MURDER">My Favorite Murder</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#OIL_OF_DOG">Oil of Dog</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#AN_IMPERFECT_CONFLAGRATION">An Imperfect Conflagration</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_HYPNOTIST">The Hypnotist</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap03"><b>THE FOURTH ESTATE</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#MR_MASTHEAD_JOURNALIST">Mr. Masthead, Journalist</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#WHY_I_AM_NOT_EDITING_THE_STINGER">Why I am not Editing "The Stinger"</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CORRUPTING_THE_PRESS">Corrupting the Press</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BUBBLE_REPUTATION">"The Bubble Reputation"</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap04"><b>THE OCEAN WAVE</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION">A Shipwreckollection</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_CAPTAIN_OF_THE_CAMEL">The Captain of "The Camel"</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_MAN_OVERBOARD">The Man Overboard</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_CARGO_OF_CAT">A Cargo af Cat</a><br /><br /></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap05"><b>"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_PRUDE_IN_LETTERS_AND_LIFE">The Prude in Letters and Life</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THE_BEATING_OF_THE_BLOOD">The Beating of the Blood</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THERE_ARE_CORNS_IN_EGYPT">There are Corns in Egypt</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#A_REEF_IN_THE_GABARDINE">A Reef in the Gabardine</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#ENTER_A_TROUPE_OF_ANCIENTS_DANCING">Enter a Troupe of Ancients, Dancing</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#CAIRO_REVISITED">Cairo Revisited</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#JAPAN_WEAR_AND_BOMBAY_DUCKS">Japan Wear and Bombay Ducks</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#IN_THE_BOTTOM_OF_THE_CRUCIBLE">In the Bottom of the Crucible</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#COUNSEL_FOR_THE_DEFENSE">Counsel for the Defense</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#THEY_ALL_DANCE">They all Dance</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#LUST_QUOTH_A">Lust, Quoth'a</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#OUR_GRANDMOTHERS_LEGS">Our Grandmothers' Legs</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#EPIGRAMS"><b>EPIGRAMS</b></a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + <h2><a name="chap01"></a>NEGLIGIBLE TALES</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE" id="A_BOTTOMLESS_GRAVE"></a>A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE</h2> + + <p>My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a + patent for an invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; + but he was an honest man and would not himself engage in the + manufacture. He was, therefore, only moderately wealthy, his + royalties from his really valuable invention bringing him + hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation with rogues + guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed by + the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had + it not been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all + my brothers and sisters and personally supervised my education, + should have grown up in ignorance and been compelled to teach + school. To be the favorite child of a good woman is better than + gold.</p> + + <p>When I was nineteen years of age my father had the + misfortune to die. He had always had perfect health, and his + death, which occurred at the dinner table without a moment's + warning, surprised no one more than himself. He had that very + morning been notified that a patent had been granted him for a + device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure, without + noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most + ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that + had ever been submitted to him, and my father had naturally + looked forward to an old age of prosperity and honor. His + sudden death was, therefore, a deep disappointment to him; but + my mother, whose piety and resignation to the will of Heaven + were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently less + affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body + had been removed from the floor, she called us all into an + adjoining room and addressed us as follows:</p> + + <p>"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just + witnessed is one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good + man's life, and one in which I take little pleasure, I assure + you. I beg you to believe that I had no hand in bringing it + about. Of course," she added, after a pause, during which her + eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is better + that he is dead."</p> + + <p>She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness + as a self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to + brave her surprise by asking an explanation. My mother's air of + surprise when any of us went wrong in any way was very terrible + to us. One day, when in a fit of peevish temper, I had taken + the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her simple words, "John, + you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof that after + a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself + at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising + you." So now we all—including the one-eared + baby—felt that it would keep matters smoother to accept + without question the statement that it was better, somehow, for + our dear father to be dead. My mother continued:</p> + + <p>"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and + mysterious death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut + the body into pieces and submit them to a number of men who, + having inspected them, pronounce the person dead. For this the + Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish to avoid that painful + formality in this instance; it is one which never had the + approval of—of the remains. John"—here my mother + turned her angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very + discreet. You have now an opportunity to show your gratitude + for all the sacrifices that your education has entailed upon + the rest of us. John, go and remove the Coroner."</p> + + <p>Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's + confidence, and by the chance to distinguish myself by an act + that squared with my natural disposition, I knelt before her, + carried her hand to my lips and bathed it with tears of + sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had removed + the Coroner.</p> + + <p>I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I + passed a most uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep + because of the profanity of my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, + whose theological training had given them a fertility of + impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language altogether + unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who, + sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, + entered the cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend + gentlemen that if he heard any more swearing their sacred + calling would not prevent him from turning them into the + street. After that they moderated their objectionable + conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the + peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence.</p> + + <p>The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, + sitting as a committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary + examination. I pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I + had murdered was a notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a + Republican, and from early childhood I had been carefully + instructed by her in the principles of honest government and + the necessity of suppressing factional opposition.) The Judge, + elected by a Republican ballot-box with a sliding bottom, was + visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and offered me a + cigarette.</p> + + <p>"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I + do not deem it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. + Under the law of the land you sit here as a committing + magistrate. It is therefore your duty to commit. Testimony and + argument alike would imply a doubt that your Honor means to + perform your sworn duty. That is my case."</p> + + <p>My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and + said: "May it please the Court, my learned friend on the other + side has so well and eloquently stated the law governing in + this case that it only remains for me to inquire to what extent + it has been already complied with. It is true, your Honor is a + committing magistrate, and as such it is your duty to + commit—what? That is a matter which the law has wisely + and justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have + discharged already every obligation that the law imposes. Since + I have known your Honor you have done nothing but commit. You + have committed embracery, theft, arson, perjury, adultery, + murder—every crime in the calendar and every excess known + to the sensual and depraved, including my learned friend, the + District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a + committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this + worthy young man, my client, I move that he be discharged."</p> + + <p>An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the + black cap and in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to + life and liberty. Then turning to my counsel he said, coldly + but significantly:</p> + + <p>"I will see you later."</p> + + <p>The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously + defended me against a charge of murdering his own + brother—with whom he had a quarrel about some + land—had disappeared and his fate is to this day + unknown.</p> + + <p>In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly + buried at midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with + his late boots on and the contents of his late stomach + unanalyzed. "He was opposed to display," said my dear mother, + as she finished tamping down the earth above him and assisted + the children to litter the place with straw; "his instincts + were all domestic and he loved a quiet life."</p> + + <p>My mother's application for letters of administration stated + that she had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, + for he had not come home to his meals for several days; but the + Judge of the Crowbait Court—as she ever afterward + contemptuously called it—decided that the proof of death + was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of the + Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that + the liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was + left only the patent for the device for bursting open safes + without noise, by hydraulic pressure and this had passed into + the ownership of the Probate Judge and the Public + Administrator—as my dear mother preferred to spell it. + Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable family + was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to + go to work.</p> + + <p>In the selection of occupations we were governed by a + variety of considerations, such as personal fitness, + inclination, and so forth. My mother opened a select private + school for instruction in the art of changing the spots upon + leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George Henry, who had a + turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum for + deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor + Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral + springs, and I set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams + for gibbets. The other children, too young for labor, continued + to steal small articles exposed in front of shops, as they had + been taught.</p> + + <p>In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our + house and buried the bodies in a cellar.</p> + + <p>In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and + provisions. From the rapidity of their disappearance we + acquired the superstitious belief that the spirits of the + persons buried there came at dead of night and held a festival. + It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we would + discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such + débris, littering the place, although it had been securely + locked and barred against human intrusion. It was proposed to + remove the provisions and store them elsewhere, but our dear + mother, always generous and hospitable, said it was better to + endure the loss than risk exposure: if the ghosts were denied + this trifling gratification they might set on foot an + investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division + of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into + the single industry pursued by me—we might all decorate + the cross-beams of gibbets. We accepted her decision with + filial submission, due to our reverence for her wordly wisdom + and the purity of her character.</p> + + <p>One night while we were all in the cellar—none dared + to enter it alone—engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of + an adjoining town the solemn offices of Christian burial, my + mother and the younger children, holding a candle each, while + George Henry and I labored with a spade and pick, my sister + Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with her + hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's + obsequies were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and + in trembling tones we begged her to say what had alarmed her. + The younger children were so agitated that they held their + candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows of our figures + danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls and + flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of + the dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now + extinguished by some floating shadow, appeared at each + emergence to have taken on a new and more forbidding + expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more than + ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about + the place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of + some distant corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green + light, matching the faint phosphorescence of decay that filled + the half-dug grave and seemed the visible manifestation of that + faint odor of mortality which tainted the unwholesome air. The + children now sobbed and clung about the limbs of their elders, + dropping their candles, and we were near being left in total + darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled + upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the + grave like a fountain.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been + thrown out of the excavation, had removed her hands from her + face and was staring with expanded eyes into an obscure space + between two wine casks.</p> + + <p>"There it is!—there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; + "God in heaven! can't you see it?"</p> + + <p>And there indeed it was!—a human figure, dimly + discernible in the gloom—a figure that wavered from side + to side as if about to fall, clutching at the wine-casks for + support, had stepped unsteadily forward and for one moment + stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles; then it + surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we + had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our + father—dead these ten months and buried by our own + hands!—our father indubitably risen and ghastly + drunk!</p> + + <p>On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that + horrible place—on the extinction of all human sentiment + in that tumultuous, mad scramble up the damp and mouldy + stairs—slipping, falling, pulling one another down and + clambering over one another's back—the lights + extinguished, babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong + brothers and hurled backward to death by a mother's + arm!—on all this I do not dare to dwell. My mother, my + eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others remained + below, to perish of their wounds, or of their + terror—some, perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we + four, hastily gathering together what money and jewels we had + and what clothing we could carry, fired the dwelling and fled + by its light into the hills. We did not even pause to collect + the insurance, and my dear mother said on her death-bed, years + afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin of + omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy + man, assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would + pardon the neglect.</p> + + <p>About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my + childhood I, then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to + the spot with a view to obtaining, if possible, some treasure + belonging to us, which had been buried in the cellar. I may say + that I was unsuccessful: the discovery of many human bones in + the ruins had set the authorities digging for more. They had + found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The house + had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a + desolation. So many unearthly sights and sounds had been + reported thereabout that nobody would live there. As there was + none to question nor molest, I resolved to gratify my filial + piety by gazing once more upon the face of my beloved father, + if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still in his + grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous + diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since + his death, I had reason to think he might have been buried in + it. Procuring a spade, I soon located the grave in what had + been the backyard and began digging. When I had got down about + four feet the whole bottom fell out of the grave and I was + precipitated into a large drain, falling through a long hole in + its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of + one.</p> + + <p>Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the + drain, and having with some difficulty removed a mass of + charred rubbish and blackened masonry that choked it, emerged + into what had been that fateful cellar.</p> + + <p>All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be + "taken bad" at his meal (and I think my sainted mother could + have thrown some light upon that matter) had indubitably been + buried alive. The grave having been accidentally dug above the + forgotten drain, and down almost to the crown of its arch, and + no coffin having been used, his struggles on reviving had + broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through, escaping + finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his + own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean + seclusion, a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our + providence. It was he who had eaten our food; it was he who had + drunk our wine—he was no better than a thief! In a moment + of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that need of + companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a + drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment + at a strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable + consequences upon those nearest and dearest to him—a + blunder that had almost the dignity of crime.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="JUPITER_DOKE_BRIGADIER_GENERAL"></a>JUPITER DOKE, + BRIGADIER-GENERAL</h2> + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to the Hon. + Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads, Posey County, + Illinois.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861.</p> + + <p>Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President + has been pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of + volunteers. Do you accept?</p> + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861.</p> + + <p>It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one + which should be neither sought nor declined. In times that try + men's souls the patriot knows no North, no South, no East, no + West. His motto should be: "My country, my whole country and + nothing but my country." I accept the great trust confided in + me by a free and intelligent people, and with a firm reliance + on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking the + guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall + labor so to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political + escutcheon. Say to his Excellency, the successor of the + immortal Washington in the Seat of Power, that the patronage of + my office will be bestowed with an eye single to securing the + greatest good to the greatest number, the stability of + republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all + elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my + sacred honor. I shall at once prepare an appropriate response + to the speech of the chairman of the committee deputed to + inform me of my appointment, and I trust the sentiments therein + expressed will strike a sympathetic chord in the public heart, + as well as command the Executive approval.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to Major-General + Blount Wardorg, Commanding the Military Department of Eastern + Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861.</p> + + <p>I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter + Doke, who will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little + Buttermilk River, and take command of the Illinois Brigade at + that point, reporting to you by letter for orders. Is the route + from Covington by way of Bluegrass, Opossum Corners and + Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as reported in your + last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861.</p> + + <p>The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are + unfamiliar to me, but I shall be pleased to have the advantage + of his skill. The route from Covington to Distilleryville + <i>via</i> Opossum Corners and Horsecave I have been compelled + to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made it + possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from + the front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by + steamboats up the Little Buttermilk.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to + Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan, Illinois.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861.</p> + + <p>I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by + mail before the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we + must dispense with the formality of official notification to + you by a committee. The President is highly gratified by the + noble and patriotic sentiments of your letter, and directs that + you proceed at once to your command at Distilleryville, + Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General Wardorg + at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest + secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have + passed Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front + of Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then + if your approach is known it will operate as a demonstration + against his right and cause him to strengthen it with his left + now at Memphis, Tennessee, which it is desirable to capture + first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum Corners and Horsecave. + All officers are expected to be in full uniform when <i>en + route</i> to the front.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861.</p> + + <p>I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy + to Joel Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch + Republican, who will worthily represent Posey County in field + and forum. He points with pride to a stainless record in the + halls of legislation, which have often echoed to his + soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very + foundation of popular government. He has been called the + Patrick Henry of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in + the cause of civil and religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for + Distilleryville last evening, and the standard bearer of the + Democratic host confronting that stronghold of freedom will + find him a lion in his path. I have been asked to remain here + and deliver some addresses to the people in a local contest + involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being + performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate + and move in the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my + ships behind me. I forward by this mail to his Excellency the + President a request for the appointment of my son, Jabez + Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I would take it, sir, + as a great favor if you would give the application a strong + oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. + Be kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the + office I hold in the military arm, and if they are by salary or + fees. Are there any perquisites? My mileage account will be + transmitted monthly.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to + Major General Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, + 1862.</p> + + <p>I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the + recent storms having inundated the landscape, covering, I + understand, the greater part of a congressional district. I am + pained to find that Joel Briller, Esq., a prominent citizen of + Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing statesman who held my + proxy, and who a month ago should have been thundering at the + gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has doubtless + been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the + American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully + move that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of + respect to his memory, and that the office holders and men + under your command wear the usual badge of mourning for thirty + days. I shall at once place myself at the head of affairs here, + and am now ready to entertain any suggestions which you may + make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in this + commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the + river appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have + two large cannons facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am + told, some of them came down to the water's edge and remained + in session for some time, making infamous allegations.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Diary of Brigadier-General + Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville, Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p>January 12, 1862.—On my arrival yesterday at the Henry + Clay Hotel (named in honor of the late far-seeing statesman) I + was waited on by a delegation consisting of the three colonels + intrusted with the command of the regiments of my brigade. It + was an occasion that will be memorable in the political annals + of America. Forwarded copies of the speeches to the Posey + <i>Maverick</i>, to be spread upon the record of the ages. The + gentlemen composing the delegation unanimously reaffirmed their + devotion to the principles of national unity and the Republican + party. Was gratified to recognize in them men of political + prominence and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequent + banquet, sentiments of lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote + to Mr. Wardorg at Louisville for instructions.</p> + + <p>January 13, 1862.—Leased a prominent residence (the + former incumbent being absent in arms against his country) for + the term of one year, and wrote at once for Mrs. + Brigadier-General Doke and the vital issues—excepting + Jabez Leonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here there are + supposed to be three thousand misguided men laying the ax at + the root of the tree of liberty. They have a clear majority, + many of our men having returned without leave to their + constituents. We could probably not poll more than two thousand + votes. Have advised my heads of regiments to make a canvass of + those remaining, all bolters to be read out of the phalanx.</p> + + <p>January 14, 1862.—Wrote to the President, asking for + the contract to supply this command with firearms and regalia + through my brother-in-law, prominently identified with the + manufacturing interests of the country. Club of cannon soldiers + arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, on their way to + join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to Jayhawk to + escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for the + opposing party, opened fire on the head of the procession and + by the extraordinary noise of the cannon balls (I had no + conception of it!) so frightened my horse that I was unseated + without a contest. The meeting adjourned in disorder and + returning to camp I found that a deputation of the enemy had + crossed the river in our absence and made a division of the + loaves and fishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the + Gubernatorial Chair of the Territory of Idaho.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Editorial Article in the Posey, + Illinois, "Maverick," January 20, 1862.</i></p> + + <p>Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another + column, of the Battle of Distilleryville will make the heart of + every loyal Illinoisian leap with exultation. The brilliant + exploit marks an era in military history, and as General Doke + says, "lays broad and deep the foundations of American prowess + in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except the gallant + author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, + he justly considered that a list of the fallen would only + occupy our valuable space to the exclusion of more important + matter, but his account of the strategic ruse by which he + apparently abandoned his camp and so inveigled a perfidious + enemy into it for the purpose of murdering the sick, the + unfortunate <i>countertempus</i> at Jayhawk, the subsequent + dash upon a trapped enemy flushed with a supposed success, + driving their terrified legions across an impassable river + which precluded pursuit—all these "moving accidents by + flood and field" are related with a pen of fire and have all + the terrible interest of romance.</p> + + <p>Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is + mightier than the sword. When by the graphic power of the art + preservative of all arts we are brought face to face with such + glorious events as these, the <i>Maverick's</i> enterprise in + securing for its thousands of readers the services of so + distinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made the + history as well as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary + importance. For President in 1864 (subject to the decision of + the Republican National Convention) Brigadier-General Jupiter + Doke, of Illinois!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to + Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, January 22, 1862.</p> + + <p>Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville + was delayed in transmission, having only just been received + (open) through the courtesy of the Confederate department + commander under a flag of truce. He begs me to assure you that + he would consider it an act of cruelty to trouble you, and I + think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening attitude, + but at the least pressure retire. Your position is simply an + outpost which it is not intended to hold.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the + Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">LOUISVILLE, January 23, 1862.</p> + + <p>I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated + twenty thousand troops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. + According to your assignment, General Doke is in command of the + small brigade of raw troops opposing them. It is no part of my + plan to contest the enemy's advance at that point, but I cannot + hold myself responsible for any reverses to the brigade + mentioned, under its present commander. I think him a fool.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From the Secretary of War to Major-General + Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">WASHINGTON, February 1, 1862.</p> + + <p>The President has great faith in General Doke. If your + estimate of him is correct, however, he would seem to be + singularly well placed where he now is, as your plans appear to + contemplate a considerable sacrifice for whatever advantages + you expect to gain.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to + Major-General Blount Wardorg.</i></p> + + <p class="address">DISTILLERYVILLE, February 1, 1862.</p> + + <p>To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order + to point the way whenever my brigade retires from + Distilleryville, as foreshadowed by your letter of the 22d ult. + I have appointed a Committee on Retreat, the minutes of whose + first meeting I transmit to you. You will perceive that the + committee having been duly organized by the election of a + chairman and secretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) was + adopted, to the effect that in case treason again raises her + hideous head on this side of the river every man of the brigade + is to mount a mule, the procession to move promptly in the + direction of Louisville and the loyal North. In preparation for + such an emergency I have for some time been collecting mules + from the resident Democracy, and have on hand 2300 in a field + at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, + C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">BUNG STATION, KENTUCKY, February 4, + 1862.</p> + + <p>On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting + of 25,000 men and thirty-two field pieces, under command of + Major-General Simmons B. Flood, crossed by a ford to the north + side of Little Buttermilk River at a point three miles above + Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and away from the + stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the object + being, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati + and occupy the Ohio Valley. For some months there had been in + our front only a small brigade of undisciplined troops, + apparently without a commander, who were useful to us, for by + not disturbing them we could create an impression of our + weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated them, I + was about to detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my + division being the leading one, when an earth-shaking rumble + was felt and heard, and suddenly the head-of-column was struck + by one of the terrible tornadoes for which this region is + famous, and utterly annihilated. The tornado, I believe, passed + along the entire length of the road back to the ford, + dispersing or destroying our entire army; but of this I cannot + be sure, for I was lifted from the earth insensible and blown + back to the south side of the river. Continuous firing all + night on the north side and the reports of such of our men as + have recrossed at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigade + has exterminated the disabled survivors. Our loss has been + uncommonly heavy. Of my own division of 15,000 infantry, the + casualties—killed, wounded, captured, and + missing—are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow's + division, 11,200 strong, I can find but two officers and a + nigger cook. Of the artillery, 800 men, none has reported on + this side of the river. General Flood is dead. I have assumed + command of the expeditionary force, but owing to the heavy + losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line of supplies + as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow + morning early. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet + but partly accomplished.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Major-General Dolliver Billows, + C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">BUHAC, KENTUCKY, February 5, 1862.</p> + + <p>... But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been + reinforced by fifty thousand cavalry, and being apprised of our + movement by a spy, this vast body was drawn up in the darkness + at Jayhawk, and as the head of our column reached that point at + about 11 P.M., fell upon it with astonishing fury, destroying + the division of General Buxter in an instant. General + Baumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the rear, may + have escaped—I did not wait to see, but withdrew my + division to the river at a point several miles above the ford, + and at daylight ferried it across on two fence rails lashed + together with a suspender. Its losses, from an effective + strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General Buxter is dead. I am + changing my base to Mobile, Alabama.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>From Brigadier-General Schneddeker + Baumschank, C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretary of + War.</i></p> + + <p class="address">IODINE, KENTUCKY, February 6, 1862.</p> + + <p>... Yoost den somdings occur, I know nod vot it + vos—somdings mackneefcent, but it vas nod vor—und I + finds meinselluf, afder leedle viles, in dis blace, midout a + hors und mit no men und goons. Sheneral Peelows is deadt, You + will blease be so goot as to resign me—I vights no more + in a dam gontry vere I gets vipped und knows nod how it vos + done.</p> + + + <p><i>Resolutions of Congress</i>, February 15, 1862.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That the thanks of Congress are due, and + hereby tendered, to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the + gallant men under his command for their unparalleled feat of + attacking—themselves only 2000 strong—an army of + 25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making + prisoners of 19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, + taking 32 guns, 20,000 stand of small arms and, in short, the + enemy's entire equipment.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That for this unexampled victory the + President be requested to designate a day of thanksgiving and + public celebration of religious rites in the various + churches.</p> + + <p><i>Resolved</i>, That he be requested, in further + commemoration of the great event, and in reward of the gallant + spirits whose deeds have added such imperishable lustre to the + American arms, to appoint, with the advice and consent of the + Senate, the following officer:</p> + + <p>One major-general.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton, + of Jayhawk, Kentucky.</i></p> + + <p>Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes + aint wuf shuks, but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I + cotch de mummer o' v'ices I knowed dat gang b'long on de far + side o' de ribber. So I jes' runs in de house an' wakes Marse + Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' yo' life!" An' de Lo'd + bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right fru de winder in his + shir' tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem + twenty-free hunerd mules dey jes' t'nk it is de debble hese'f + wid de brandin' iron, an' dey bu'st outen dat patch like a + yarthquake, an' pile inter de upper ford road, an' flash down + it five deep, an' it full o' Con-fed'rates from en' to + en'!...</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE" id="THE_WIDOWER_TURMORE"></a>THE WIDOWER TURMORE</h2> + + <p>The circumstances under which Joram Turmore became a widower + have never been popularly understood. I know them, naturally, + for I am Joram Turmore; and my wife, the late Elizabeth Mary + Turmore, is by no means ignorant of them; but although she + doubtless relates them, yet they remain a secret, for not a + soul has ever believed her.</p> + + <p>When I married Elizabeth Mary Johnin she was very wealthy, + otherwise I could hardly have afforded to marry, for I had not + a cent, and Heaven had not put into my heart any intention to + earn one. I held the Professorship of Cats in the University of + Graymaulkin, and scholastic pursuits had unfitted me for the + heat and burden of business or labor. Moreover, I could not + forget that I was a Turmore—a member of a family whose + motto from the time of William of Normandy has been <i>Laborare + est errare</i>. The only known infraction of the sacred family + tradition occurred when Sir Aldebaran Turmore de + Peters-Turmore, an illustrious master burglar of the + seventeenth century, personally assisted at a difficult + operation undertaken by some of his workmen. That blot upon our + escutcheon cannot be contemplated without the most poignant + mortification.</p> + + <p>My incumbency of the Chair of Cats in the Graymaulkin + University had not, of course, been marked by any instance of + mean industry. There had never, at any one time, been more than + two students of the Noble Science, and by merely repeating the + manuscript lectures of my predecessor, which I had found among + his effects (he died at sea on his way to Malta) I could + sufficiently sate their famine for knowledge without really + earning even the distinction which served in place of + salary.</p> + + <p>Naturally, under the straitened circumstances, I regarded + Elizabeth Mary as a kind of special Providence. She unwisely + refused to share her fortune with me, but for that I cared + nothing; for, although by the laws of that country (as is well + known) a wife has control of her separate property during her + life, it passes to the husband at her death; nor can she + dispose of it otherwise by will. The mortality among wives is + considerable, but not excessive.</p> + + <p>Having married Elizabeth Mary and, as it were, ennobled her + by making her a Turmore, I felt that the manner of her death + ought, in some sense, to match her social distinction. If I + should remove her by any of the ordinary marital methods I + should incur a just reproach, as one destitute of a proper + family pride. Yet I could not hit upon a suitable plan.</p> + + <p>In this emergency I decided to consult the Turmore archives, + a priceless collection of documents, comprising the records of + the family from the time of its founder in the seventh century + of our era. I knew that among these sacred muniments I should + find detailed accounts of all the principal murders committed + by my sainted ancestors for forty generations. From that mass + of papers I could hardly fail to derive the most valuable + suggestions.</p> + + <p>The collection contained also most interesting relics. There + were patents of nobility granted to my forefathers for daring + and ingenious removals of pretenders to thrones, or occupants + of them; stars, crosses and other decorations attesting + services of the most secret and unmentionable character; + miscellaneous gifts from the world's greatest conspirators, + representing an intrinsic money value beyond computation. There + were robes, jewels, swords of honor, and every kind of + "testimonials of esteem"; a king's skull fashioned into a wine + cup; the title deeds to vast estates, long alienated by + confiscation, sale, or abandonment; an illuminated breviary + that had belonged to Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore of + accursed memory; embalmed ears of several of the family's most + renowned enemies; the small intestine of a certain unworthy + Italian statesman inimical to Turmores, which, twisted into a + jumping rope, had served the youth of six kindred + generations—mementoes and souvenirs precious beyond the + appraisals of imagination, but by the sacred mandates of + tradition and sentiment forever inalienable by sale or + gift.</p> + + <p>As the head of the family, I was custodian of all these + priceless heirlooms, and for their safe keeping had constructed + in the basement of my dwelling a strong-room of massive + masonry, whose solid stone walls and single iron door could + defy alike the earthquake's shock, the tireless assaults of + Time, and Cupidity's unholy hand.</p> + + <p>To this thesaurus of the soul, redolent of sentiment and + tenderness, and rich in suggestions of crime, I now repaired + for hints upon assassination. To my unspeakable astonishment + and grief I found it empty! Every shelf, every chest, every + coffer had been rifled. Of that unique and incomparable + collection not a vestige remained! Yet I proved that until I + had myself unlocked the massive metal door, not a bolt nor bar + had been disturbed; the seals upon the lock had been + intact.</p> + + <p>I passed the night in alternate lamentation and research, + equally fruitless, the mystery was impenetrable to conjecture, + the pain invincible to balm. But never once throughout that + dreadful night did my firm spirit relinquish its high design + against Elizabeth Mary, and daybreak found me more resolute + than before to harvest the fruits of my marriage. My great loss + seemed but to bring me into nearer spiritual relations with my + dead ancestors, and to lay upon me a new and more inevitable + obedience to the suasion that spoke in every globule of my + blood.</p> + + <p>My plan of action was soon formed, and procuring a stout + cord I entered my wife's bedroom finding her, as I expected, in + a sound sleep. Before she was awake, I had her bound fast, hand + and foot. She was greatly surprised and pained, but heedless of + her remonstrances, delivered in a high key, I carried her into + the now rifled strong-room, which I had never suffered her to + enter, and of whose treasures I had not apprised her. Seating + her, still bound, in an angle of the wall, I passed the next + two days and nights in conveying bricks and mortar to the spot, + and on the morning of the third day had her securely walled in, + from floor to ceiling. All this time I gave no further heed to + her pleas for mercy than (on her assurance of non-resistance, + which I am bound to say she honorably observed) to grant her + the freedom of her limbs. The space allowed her was about four + feet by six. As I inserted the last bricks of the top course, + in contact with the ceiling of the strong-room, she bade me + farewell with what I deemed the composure of despair, and I + rested from my work, feeling that I had faithfully observed the + traditions of an ancient and illustrious family. My only bitter + reflection, so far as my own conduct was concerned, came of the + consciousness that in the performance of my design I had + labored; but this no living soul would ever know.</p> + + <p>After a night's rest I went to the Judge of the Court of + Successions and Inheritances and made a true and sworn relation + of all that I had done—except that I ascribed to a + servant the manual labor of building the wall. His honor + appointed a court commissioner, who made a careful examination + of the work, and upon his report Elizabeth Mary Turmore was, at + the end of a week, formally pronounced dead. By due process of + law I was put into possession of her estate, and although this + was not by hundreds of thousands of dollars as valuable as my + lost treasures, it raised me from poverty to affluence and + brought me the respect of the great and good.</p> + + <p>Some six months after these events strange rumors reached me + that the ghost of my deceased wife had been seen in several + places about the country, but always at a considerable distance + from Graymaulkin. These rumors, which I was unable to trace to + any authentic source, differed widely in many particulars, but + were alike in ascribing to the apparition a certain high degree + of apparent worldly prosperity combined with an audacity most + uncommon in ghosts. Not only was the spirit attired in most + costly raiment, but it walked at noonday, and even drove! I was + inexpressibly annoyed by these reports, and thinking there + might be something more than superstition in the popular belief + that only the spirits of the unburied dead still walk the + earth, I took some workmen equipped with picks and crowbars + into the now long unentered strong-room, and ordered them to + demolish the brick wall that I had built about the partner of + my joys. I was resolved to give the body of Elizabeth Mary such + burial as I thought her immortal part might be willing to + accept as an equivalent to the privilege of ranging at will + among the haunts of the living.</p> + + <p>In a few minutes we had broken down the wall and, thrusting + a lamp through the breach, I looked in. Nothing! Not a bone, + not a lock of hair, not a shred of clothing—the narrow + space which, upon my affidavit, had been legally declared to + hold all that was mortal of the late Mrs. Turmore was + absolutely empty! This amazing disclosure, coming upon a mind + already overwrought with too much of mystery and excitement, + was more than I could bear. I shrieked aloud and fell in a fit. + For months afterward I lay between life and death, fevered and + delirious; nor did I recover until my physician had had the + providence to take a case of valuable jewels from my safe and + leave the country.</p> + + <p>The next summer I had occasion to visit my wine cellar, in + one corner of which I had built the now long disused + strong-room. In moving a cask of Madeira I struck it with + considerable force against the partition wall, and was + surprised to observe that it displaced two large square stones + forming a part of the wall.</p> + + <p>Applying my hands to these, I easily pushed them out + entirely, and looking through saw that they had fallen into the + niche in which I had immured my lamented wife; facing the + opening which their fall left, and at a distance of four feet, + was the brickwork which my own hands had made for that + unfortunate gentlewoman's restraint. At this significant + revelation I began a search of the wine cellar. Behind a row of + casks I found four historically interesting but intrinsically + valueless objects:</p> + + <p>First, the mildewed remains of a ducal robe of state + (Florentine) of the eleventh century; second, an illuminated + vellum breviary with the name of Sir Aldebaran Turmore de + Peters-Turmore inscribed in colors on the title page; third, a + human skull fashioned into a drinking cup and deeply stained + with wine; fourth, the iron cross of a Knight Commander of the + Imperial Austrian Order of Assassins by Poison.</p> + + <p>That was all—not an object having commercial value, no + papers—nothing. But this was enough to clear up the + mystery of the strong-room. My wife had early divined the + existence and purpose of that apartment, and with the skill + amounting to genius had effected an entrance by loosening the + two stones in the wall.</p> + + <p>Through that opening she had at several times abstracted the + entire collection, which doubtless she had succeeded in + converting into coin of the realm. When with an unconscious + justice which deprives me of all satisfaction in the memory I + decided to build her into the wall, by some malign fatality I + selected that part of it in which were these movable stones, + and doubtless before I had fairly finished my bricklaying she + had removed them and, slipping through into the wine cellar, + replaced them as they were originally laid. From the cellar she + had easily escaped unobserved, to enjoy her infamous gains in + distant parts. I have endeavored to procure a warrant, but the + Lord High Baron of the Court of Indictment and Conviction + reminds me that she is legally dead, and says my only course is + to go before the Master in Cadavery and move for a writ of + disinterment and constructive revival. So it looks as if I must + suffer without redress this great wrong at the hands of a woman + devoid alike of principle and shame.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_CITY_OF_THE_GONE_AWAY"></a>THE CITY OF THE GONE + AWAY</h2> + + <p>I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was + twenty-three years old never knew the possibilities of + happiness latent in another person's coin. At that time + Providence threw me into a deep sleep and revealed to me in a + dream the folly of labor. "Behold," said a vision of a holy + hermit, "the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the + teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet + of straw and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The + flowers nod their heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The + lark greets you with a burst of song. The early sun sheds his + temperate beams upon you, and from the dewy grass you inhale an + atmosphere cool and grateful to your lungs. All nature seems to + salute you with the joy of a generous servant welcoming a + faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood and + your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the + plow, hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the + morn, maturing the charms of the landscape and confirming its + benediction upon your spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue + invokes repose, and seating yourself upon the earth at the end + of your furrow you expect to enjoy in fulness the delights of + which you did but taste.</p> + + <p>"Alas! the sun has climbed into a brazen sky and his beams + are become a torrent. The flowers have closed their petals, + confining their perfume and denying their colors to the eye. + Coolness no longer exhales from the grass: the dew has vanished + and the dry surface of the fields repeats the fierce heat of + the sky. No longer the birds of heaven salute you with melody, + but the jay harshly upbraids you from the edge of the copse. + Unhappy man! all the gentle and healing ministrations of nature + are denied you in punishment of your sin. You have broken the + First Commandment of the Natural Decalogue: you have + labored!"</p> + + <p>Awakening from my dream, I collected my few belongings, bade + adieu to my erring parents and departed out of that land, + pausing at the grave of my grandfather, who had been a priest, + to take an oath that never again, Heaven helping me, would I + earn an honest penny.</p> + + <p>How long I traveled I know not, but I came at last to a + great city by the sea, where I set up as a physician. The name + of that place I do not now remember, for such were my activity + and renown in my new profession that the Aldermen, moved by + pressure of public opinion, altered it, and thenceforth the + place was known as the City of the Gone Away. It is needless to + say that I had no knowledge of medicine, but by securing the + service of an eminent forger I obtained a diploma purporting to + have been granted by the Royal Quackery of Charlatanic + Empiricism at Hoodos, which, framed in immortelles and + suspended by a bit of <i>crêpe</i> to a willow in front of my + office, attracted the ailing in great numbers. In connection + with my dispensary I conducted one of the largest undertaking + establishments ever known, and as soon as my means permitted, + purchased a wide tract of land and made it into a cemetery. I + owned also some very profitable marble works on one side of the + gateway to the cemetery, and on the other an extensive flower + garden. My Mourner's Emporium was patronized by the beauty, + fashion and sorrow of the city. In short, I was in a very + prosperous way of business, and within a year was able to send + for my parents and establish my old father very comfortably as + a receiver of stolen goods—an act which I confess was + saved from the reproach of filial gratitude only by my exaction + of all the profits.</p> + + <p>But the vicissitudes of fortune are avoidable only by + practice of the sternest indigence: human foresight cannot + provide against the envy of the gods and the tireless + machinations of Fate. The widening circle of prosperity grows + weaker as it spreads until the antagonistic forces which it has + pushed back are made powerful by compression to resist and + finally overwhelm. So great grew the renown of my skill in + medicine that patients were brought to me from all the four + quarters of the globe. Burdensome invalids whose tardiness in + dying was a perpetual grief to their friends; wealthy testators + whose legatees were desirous to come by their own; superfluous + children of penitent parents and dependent parents of frugal + children; wives of husbands ambitious to remarry and husbands + of wives without standing in the courts of divorce—these + and all conceivable classes of the surplus population were + conducted to my dispensary in the City of the Gone Away. They + came in incalculable multitudes.</p> + + <p>Government agents brought me caravans of orphans, paupers, + lunatics and all who had become a public charge. My skill in + curing orphanism and pauperism was particularly acknowledged by + a grateful parliament.</p> + + <p>Naturally, all this promoted the public prosperity, for + although I got the greater part of the money that strangers + expended in the city, the rest went into the channels of trade, + and I was myself a liberal investor, purchaser and employer, + and a patron of the arts and sciences. The City of the Gone + Away grew so rapidly that in a few years it had inclosed my + cemetery, despite its own constant growth. In that fact lay the + lion that rent me.</p> + + <p>The Aldermen declared my cemetery a public evil and decided + to take it from me, remove the bodies to another place and make + a park of it. I was to be paid for it and could easily bribe + the appraisers to fix a high price, but for a reason which will + appear the decision gave me little joy. It was in vain that I + protested against the sacrilege of disturbing the holy dead, + although this was a powerful appeal, for in that land the dead + are held in religious veneration. Temples are built in their + honor and a separate priesthood maintained at the public + expense, whose only duty is performance of memorial services of + the most solemn and touching kind. On four days in the year + there is a Festival of the Good, as it is called, when all the + people lay by their work or business and, headed by the + priests, march in procession through the cemeteries, adorning + the graves and praying in the temples. However bad a man's life + may be, it is believed that when dead he enters into a state of + eternal and inexpressible happiness. To signify a doubt of this + is an offense punishable by death. To deny burial to the dead, + or to exhume a buried body, except under sanction of law by + special dispensation and with solemn ceremony, is a crime + having no stated penalty because no one has ever had the + hardihood to commit it.</p> + + <p>All these considerations were in my favor, yet so well + assured were the people and their civic officers that my + cemetery was injurious to the public health that it was + condemned and appraised, and with terror in my heart I received + three times its value and began to settle up my affairs with + all speed.</p> + + <p>A week later was the day appointed for the formal + inauguration of the ceremony of removing the bodies. The day + was fine and the entire population of the city and surrounding + country was present at the imposing religious rites. These were + directed by the mortuary priesthood in full canonicals. There + was propitiatory sacrifice in the Temples of the Once, followed + by a processional pageant of great splendor, ending at the + cemetery. The Great Mayor in his robe of state led the + procession. He was armed with a golden spade and followed by + one hundred male and female singers, clad all in white and + chanting the Hymn to the Gone Away. Behind these came the minor + priesthood of the temples, all the civic authorities, habited + in their official apparel, each carrying a living pig as an + offering to the gods of the dead. Of the many divisions of the + line, the last was formed by the populace, with uncovered + heads, sifting dust into their hair in token of humility. In + front of the mortuary chapel in the midst of the necropolis, + the Supreme Priest stood in gorgeous vestments, supported on + each hand by a line of bishops and other high dignitaries of + his prelacy, all frowning with the utmost austerity. As the + Great Mayor paused in the Presence, the minor clergy, the civic + authorities, the choir and populace closed in and encompassed + the spot. The Great Mayor, laying his golden spade at the feet + of the Supreme Priest, knelt in silence.</p> + + <p>"Why comest thou here, presumptuous mortal?" said the + Supreme Priest in clear, deliberate tones. "Is it thy + unhallowed purpose with this implement to uncover the mysteries + of death and break the repose of the Good?"</p> + + <p>The Great Mayor, still kneeling, drew from his robe a + document with portentous seals: "Behold, O ineffable, thy + servant, having warrant of his people, entreateth at thy holy + hands the custody of the Good, to the end and purpose that they + lie in fitter earth, by consecration duly prepared against + their coming."</p> + + <p>With that he placed in the sacerdotal hands the order of the + Council of Aldermen decreeing the removal. Merely touching the + parchment, the Supreme Priest passed it to the Head + Necropolitan at his side, and raising his hands relaxed the + severity of his countenance and exclaimed: "The gods + comply."</p> + + <p>Down the line of prelates on either side, his gesture, look + and words were successively repeated. The Great Mayor rose to + his feet, the choir began a solemn chant and, opportunely, a + funeral car drawn by ten white horses with black plumes rolled + in at the gate and made its way through the parting crowd to + the grave selected for the occasion—that of a high + official whom I had treated for chronic incumbency. The Great + Mayor touched the grave with his golden spade (which he then + presented to the Supreme Priest) and two stalwart diggers with + iron ones set vigorously to work.</p> + + <p>At that moment I was observed to leave the cemetery and the + country; for a report of the rest of the proceedings I am + indebted to my sainted father, who related it in a letter to + me, written in jail the night before he had the irreparable + misfortune to take the kink out of a rope.</p> + + <p>As the workmen proceeded with their excavation, four bishops + stationed themselves at the corners of the grave and in the + profound silence of the multitude, broken otherwise only by the + harsh grinding sound of spades, repeated continuously, one + after another, the solemn invocations and responses from the + Ritual of the Disturbed, imploring the blessed brother to + forgive. But the blessed brother was not there. Full fathom two + they mined for him in vain, then gave it up. The priests were + visibly disconcerted, the populace was aghast, for that grave + was indubitably vacant.</p> + + <p>After a brief consultation with the Supreme Priest, the + Great Mayor ordered the workmen to open another grave. The + ritual was omitted this time until the coffin should be + uncovered. There was no coffin, no body.</p> + + <p>The cemetery was now a scene of the wildest confusion and + dismay. The people shouted and ran hither and thither, + gesticulating, clamoring, all talking at once, none listening. + Some ran for spades, fire-shovels, hoes, sticks, anything. Some + brought carpenters' adzes, even chisels from the marble works, + and with these inadequate aids set to work upon the first + graves they came to. Others fell upon the mounds with their + bare hands, scraping away the earth as eagerly as dogs digging + for marmots. Before nightfall the surface of the greater part + of the cemetery had been upturned; every grave had been + explored to the bottom and thousands of men were tearing away + at the interspaces with as furious a frenzy as exhaustion would + permit. As night came on torches were lighted, and in the + sinister glare these frantic mortals, looking like a legion of + fiends performing some unholy rite, pursued their disappointing + work until they had devastated the entire area. But not a body + did they find—not even a coffin.</p> + + <p>The explanation is exceedingly simple. An important part of + my income had been derived from the sale of <i>cadavres</i> to + medical colleges, which never before had been so well supplied, + and which, in added recognition of my services to science, had + all bestowed upon me diplomas, degrees and fellowships without + number. But their demand for <i>cadavres</i> was unequal to my + supply: by even the most prodigal extravagances they could not + consume the one-half of the products of my skill as a + physician. As to the rest, I had owned and operated the most + extensive and thoroughly appointed soapworks in all the + country. The excellence of my "Toilet Homoline" was attested by + certificates from scores of the saintliest theologians, and I + had one in autograph from Badelina Fatti the most famous living + soaprano.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_MAJORS_TALE" id="THE_MAJORS_TALE"></a>THE MAJOR'S TALE</h2> + + <p>In the days of the Civil War practical joking had not, I + think, fallen into that disrepute which characterizes it now. + That, doubtless, was owing to our extreme youth—men were + much younger than now, and evermore your very young man has a + boisterous spirit, running easily to horse-play. You cannot + think how young the men were in the early sixties! Why, the + average age of the entire Federal Army was not more than + twenty-five; I doubt if it was more than twenty-three, but not + having the statistics on that point (if there are any) I want + to be moderate: we will say twenty-five. It is true a man of + twenty-five was in that heroic time a good deal more of a man + than one of that age is now; you could see that by looking at + him. His face had nothing of that unripeness so conspicuous in + his successor. I never see a young fellow now without observing + how disagreeably young he really is; but during the war we did + not think of a man's age at all unless he happened to be pretty + well along in life. In that case one could not help it, for the + unloveliness of age assailed the human countenance then much + earlier than now; the result, I suppose, of hard + service—perhaps, to some extent, of hard drink, for, + bless my soul! we did shed the blood of the grape and the grain + abundantly during the war. I remember thinking General Grant, + who could not have been more than forty, a pretty well + preserved old chap, considering his habits. As to men of middle + age—say from fifty to sixty—why, they all looked + fit to personate the Last of the Hittites, or the Madagascarene + Methuselah, in a museum. Depend upon it, my friends, men of + that time were greatly younger than men are to-day, but looked + much older. The change is quite remarkable.</p> + + <p>I said that practical joking had not then gone out of + fashion. It had not, at least, in the army; though possibly in + the more serious life of the civilian it had no place except in + the form of tarring and feathering an occasional "copperhead." + You all know, I suppose, what a "copperhead" was, so I will go + directly at my story without introductory remark, as is my + way.</p> + + <p>It was a few days before the battle of Nashville. The enemy + had driven us up out of northern Georgia and Alabama. At + Nashville we had turned at bay and fortified, while old Pap + Thomas, our commander, hurried down reinforcements and supplies + from Louisville. Meantime Hood, the Confederate commander, had + partly invested us and lay close enough to have tossed shells + into the heart of the town. As a rule he abstained—he was + afraid of killing the families of his own soldiers, I suppose, + a great many of whom had lived there. I sometimes wondered what + were the feelings of those fellows, gazing over our heads at + their own dwellings, where their wives and children or their + aged parents were perhaps suffering for the necessaries of + life, and certainly (so their reasoning would run) cowering + under the tyranny and power of the barbarous Yankees.</p> + + <p>To begin, then, at the beginning, I was serving at that time + on the staff of a division commander whose name I shall not + disclose, for I am relating facts, and the person upon whom + they bear hardest may have surviving relatives who would not + care to have him traced. Our headquarters were in a large + dwelling which stood just behind our line of works. This had + been hastily abandoned by the civilian occupants, who had left + everything pretty much as it was—had no place to store + it, probably, and trusted that Heaven would preserve it from + Federal cupidity and Confederate artillery. With regard to the + latter we were as solicitous as they.</p> + + <p>Rummaging about in some of the chambers and closets one + evening, some of us found an abundant supply of + lady-gear—gowns, shawls, bonnets, hats, petticoats and + the Lord knows what; I could not at that time have named the + half of it. The sight of all this pretty plunder inspired one + of us with what he was pleased to call an "idea," which, when + submitted to the other scamps and scapegraces of the staff, met + with instant and enthusiastic approval. We proceeded at once to + act upon it for the undoing of one of our comrades.</p> + + <p>Our selected victim was an aide, Lieutenant Haberton, so to + call him. He was a good soldier—as gallant a chap as ever + wore spurs; but he had an intolerable weakness: he was a + lady-killer, and like most of his class, even in those days, + eager that all should know it. He never tired of relating his + amatory exploits, and I need not say how dismal that kind of + narrative is to all but the narrator. It would be dismal even + if sprightly and vivacious, for all men are rivals in woman's + favor, and to relate your successes to another man is to rouse + in him a dumb resentment, tempered by disbelief. You will not + convince him that you tell the tale for his entertainment; he + will hear nothing in it but an expression of your own vanity. + Moreover, as most men, whether rakes or not, are willing to be + thought rakes, he is very likely to resent a stupid and unjust + inference which he suspects you to have drawn from his + reticence in the matter of his own adventures—namely, + that he has had none. If, on the other hand, he has had no + scruple in the matter and his reticence is due to lack of + opportunity to talk, or of nimbleness in taking advantage of + it, why, then he will be surly because you "have the floor" + when he wants it himself. There are, in short, no circumstances + under which a man, even from the best of motives, or no motive + at all, can relate his feats of love without distinctly + lowering himself in the esteem of his male auditor; and herein + lies a just punishment for such as kiss and tell. In my younger + days I was myself not entirely out of favor with the ladies, + and have a memory stored with much concerning them which + doubtless I might put into acceptable narrative had I not + undertaken another tale, and if it were not my practice to + relate one thing at a time, going straight away to the end, + without digression.</p> + + <p>Lieutenant Haberton was, it must be confessed, a singularly + handsome man with engaging manners. He was, I suppose, judging + from the imperfect view-point of my sex, what women call + "fascinating." Now, the qualities which make a man attractive + to ladies entail a double disadvantage. First, they are of a + sort readily discerned by other men, and by none more readily + than by those who lack them. Their possessor, being feared by + all these, is habitually slandered by them in self-defense. To + all the ladies in whose welfare they deem themselves entitled + to a voice and interest they hint at the vices and general + unworth of the "ladies' man" in no uncertain terms, and to + their wives relate without shame the most monstrous falsehoods + about him. Nor are they restrained by the consideration that he + is their friend; the qualities which have engaged their own + admiration make it necessary to warn away those to whom the + allurement would be a peril. So the man of charming + personality, while loved by all the ladies who know him well, + yet not too well, must endure with such fortitude as he may the + consciousness that those others who know him only "by + reputation" consider him a shameless reprobate, a vicious and + unworthy man—a type and example of moral depravity. To + name the second disadvantage entailed by his charms: he + commonly is.</p> + + <p>In order to get forward with our busy story (and in my + judgment a story once begun should not suffer impedition) it is + necessary to explain that a young fellow attached to our + headquarters as an orderly was notably effeminate in face and + figure. He was not more than seventeen and had a perfectly + smooth face and large lustrous eyes, which must have been the + envy of many a beautiful woman in those days. And how beautiful + the women of those days were! and how gracious! Those of the + South showed in their demeanor toward us Yankees something of + <i>hauteur</i>, but, for my part, I found it less insupportable + than the studious indifference with which one's attentions are + received by the ladies of this new generation, whom I certainly + think destitute of sentiment and sensibility.</p> + + <p>This young orderly, whose name was Arman, we + persuaded—by what arguments I am not bound to + say—to clothe himself in female attire and personate a + lady. When we had him arrayed to our satisfaction—and a + charming girl he looked—he was conducted to a sofa in the + office of the adjutant-general. That officer was in the secret, + as indeed were all excepting Haberton and the general; within + the awful dignity hedging the latter lay possibilities of + disapproval which we were unwilling to confront.</p> + + <p>When all was ready I went to Haberton and said: "Lieutenant, + there is a young woman in the adjutant-general's office. She is + the daughter of the insurgent gentleman who owns this house, + and has, I think, called to see about its present occupancy. We + none of us know just how to talk to her, but we think perhaps + you would say about the right thing—at least you will say + things in the right way. Would you mind coming down?"</p> + + <p>The lieutenant would not mind; he made a hasty toilet and + joined me. As we were going along a passage toward the Presence + we encountered a formidable obstacle—the general.</p> + + <p>"I say, Broadwood," he said, addressing me in the familiar + manner which meant that he was in excellent humor, "there's a + lady in Lawson's office. Looks like a devilish fine + girl—came on some errand of mercy or justice, no doubt. + Have the goodness to conduct her to my quarters. I won't saddle + you youngsters with <i>all</i> the business of this division," + he added facetiously.</p> + + <p>This was awkward; something had to be done.</p> + + <p>"General," I said, "I did not think the lady's business of + sufficient importance to bother you with it. She is one of the + Sanitary Commission's nurses, and merely wants to see about + some supplies for the smallpox hospital where she is on duty. + I'll send her in at once."</p> + + <p>"You need not mind," said the general, moving on; "I dare + say Lawson will attend to the matter."</p> + + <p>Ah, the gallant general! how little I thought, as I looked + after his retreating figure and laughed at the success of my + ruse, that within the week he would be "dead on the field of + honor!" Nor was he the only one of our little military + household above whom gloomed the shadow of the death angel, and + who might almost have heard "the beating of his wings." On that + bleak December morning a few days later, when from an hour + before dawn until ten o'clock we sat on horseback on those icy + hills, waiting for General Smith to open the battle miles away + to the right, there were eight of us. At the close of the + fighting there were three. There is now one. Bear with him yet + a little while, oh, thrifty generation; he is but one of the + horrors of war strayed from his era into yours. He is only the + harmless skeleton at your feast and peace-dance, responding to + your laughter and your footing it featly, with rattling fingers + and bobbing skull—albeit upon suitable occasion, with a + partner of his choosing, he might do his little dance with the + best of you.</p> + + <p>As we entered the adjutant-general's office we observed that + the entire staff was there. The adjutant-general himself was + exceedingly busy at his desk. The commissary of subsistence + played cards with the surgeon in a bay window. The rest were in + several parts of the room, reading or conversing in low tones. + On a sofa in a half lighted nook of the room, at some distance + from any of the groups, sat the "lady," closely veiled, her + eyes modestly fixed upon her toes.</p> + + <p>"Madam," I said, advancing with Haberton, "this officer will + be pleased to serve you if it is in his power. I trust that it + is."</p> + + <p>With a bow I retired to the farther corner of the room and + took part in a conversation going on there, though I had not + the faintest notion what it was about, and my remarks had no + relevancy to anything under the heavens. A close observer would + have noticed that we were all intently watching Haberton and + only "making believe" to do anything else.</p> + + <p>He was worth watching, too; the fellow was simply an + <i>édition de luxe</i> of "Turveydrop on Deportment." As the + "lady" slowly unfolded her tale of grievances against our + lawless soldiery and mentioned certain instances of wanton + disregard of property rights—among them, as to the + imminent peril of bursting our sides we partly overheard, the + looting of her own wardrobe—the look of sympathetic agony + in Haberton's handsome face was the very flower and fruit of + histrionic art. His deferential and assenting nods at her + several statements were so exquisitely performed that one could + not help regretting their unsubstantial nature and the + impossibility of preserving them under glass for instruction + and delight of posterity. And all the time the wretch was + drawing his chair nearer and nearer. Once or twice he looked + about to see if we were observing, but we were in appearance + blankly oblivious to all but one another and our several + diversions. The low hum of our conversation, the gentle tap-tap + of the cards as they fell in play and the furious scratching of + the adjutant-general's pen as he turned off countless pages of + words without sense were the only sounds heard. No—there + was another: at long intervals the distant boom of a heavy gun, + followed by the approaching rush of the shot. The enemy was + amusing himself.</p> + + <p>On these occasions the lady was perhaps not the only member + of that company who was startled, but she was startled more + than the others, sometimes rising from the sofa and standing + with clasped hands, the authentic portrait of terror and + irresolution. It was no more than natural that Haberton should + at these times reseat her with infinite tenderness, assuring + her of her safety and regretting her peril in the same breath. + It was perhaps right that he should finally possess himself of + her gloved hand and a seat beside her on the sofa; but it + certainly was highly improper for him to be in the very act of + possessing himself of <i>both</i> hands when—boom, + <i>whiz</i>, BANG!</p> + + <p>We all sprang to our feet. A shell had crashed into the + house and exploded in the room above us. Bushels of plaster + fell among us. That modest and murmurous young lady sprang + erect.</p> + + <p>"Jumping Jee-rusalem!" she cried.</p> + + <p>Haberton, who had also risen, stood as one + petrified—as a statue of himself erected on the site of + his assassination. He neither spoke, nor moved, nor once took + his eyes off the face of Orderly Arman, who was now flinging + his girl-gear right and left, exposing his charms in the most + shameless way; while out upon the night and away over the + lighted camps into the black spaces between the hostile lines + rolled the billows of our inexhaustible laughter! Ah, what a + merry life it was in the old heroic days when men had not + forgotten how to laugh!</p> + + <p>Haberton slowly came to himself. He looked about the room + less blankly; then by degrees fashioned his visage into the + sickliest grin that ever libeled all smiling. He shook his head + and looked knowing.</p> + + <p>"You can't fool <i>me</i>!" he said.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CURRIED_COW" id="CURRIED_COW"></a>CURRIED COW</h2> + + <p>My Aunt Patience, who tilled a small farm in the state of + Michigan, had a favorite cow. This creature was not a good cow, + nor a profitable one, for instead of devoting a part of her + leisure to secretion of milk and production of veal she + concentrated all her faculties on the study of kicking. She + would kick all day and get up in the middle of the night to + kick. She would kick at anything—hens, pigs, posts, loose + stones, birds in the air and fish leaping out of the water; to + this impartial and catholic-minded beef, all were + equal—all similarly undeserving. Like old Timotheus, who + "raised a mortal to the skies," was my Aunt Patience's cow; + though, in the words of a later poet than Dryden, she did it + "more harder and more frequently." It was pleasing to see her + open a passage for herself through a populous barnyard. She + would flash out, right and left, first with one hind-leg and + then with the other, and would sometimes, under favoring + conditions, have a considerable number of domestic animals in + the air at once.</p> + + <p>Her kicks, too, were as admirable in quality as + inexhaustible in quantity. They were incomparably superior to + those of the untutored kine that had not made the art a life + study—mere amateurs that kicked "by ear," as they say in + music. I saw her once standing in the road, professedly fast + asleep, and mechanically munching her cud with a sort of Sunday + morning lassitude, as one munches one's cud in a dream. + Snouting about at her side, blissfully unconscious of impending + danger and wrapped up in thoughts of his sweetheart, was a + gigantic black hog—a hog of about the size and general + appearance of a yearling rhinoceros. Suddenly, while I + looked—without a visible movement on the part of the + cow—with never a perceptible tremor of her frame, nor a + lapse in the placid regularity of her chewing—that hog + had gone away from there—had utterly taken his leave. But + away toward the pale horizon a minute black speck was + traversing the empyrean with the speed of a meteor, and in a + moment had disappeared, without audible report, beyond the + distant hills. It may have been that hog.</p> + + <p>Currying cows is not, I think, a common practice, even in + Michigan; but as this one had never needed milking, of course + she had to be subjected to some equivalent form of persecution; + and irritating her skin with a currycomb was thought as + disagreeable an attention as a thoughtful affection could + devise. At least she thought it so; though I suspect her + mistress really meant it for the good creature's temporal + advantage. Anyhow my aunt always made it a condition to the + employment of a farm-servant that he should curry the cow every + morning; but after just enough trials to convince himself that + it was not a sudden spasm, nor a mere local disturbance, the + man would always give notice of an intention to quit, by + pounding the beast half-dead with some foreign body and then + limping home to his couch. I don't know how many men the + creature removed from my aunt's employ in this way, but judging + from the number of lame persons in that part of the country, I + should say a good many; though some of the lameness may have + been taken at second-hand from the original sufferers by their + descendants, and some may have come by contagion.</p> + + <p>I think my aunt's was a faulty system of agriculture. It is + true her farm labor cost her nothing, for the laborers all left + her service before any salary had accrued; but as the cow's + fame spread abroad through the several States and Territories, + it became increasingly difficult to obtain hands; and, after + all, the favorite was imperfectly curried. It was currently + remarked that the cow had kicked the farm to pieces—a + rude metaphor, implying that the land was not properly + cultivated, nor the buildings and fences kept in adequate + repair.</p> + + <p>It was useless to remonstrate with my aunt: she would + concede everything, amending nothing. Her late husband had + attempted to reform the abuse in this manner, and had had the + argument all his own way until he had remonstrated himself into + an early grave; and the funeral was delayed all day, until a + fresh undertaker could be procured, the one originally engaged + having confidingly undertaken to curry the cow at the request + of the widow.</p> + + <p>Since that time my Aunt Patience had not been in the + matrimonial market; the love of that cow had usurped in her + heart the place of a more natural and profitable affection. But + when she saw her seeds unsown, her harvests ungarnered, her + fences overtopped with rank brambles and her meadows gorgeous + with the towering Canada thistle she thought it best to take a + partner.</p> + + <p>When it transpired that my Aunt Patience intended wedlock + there was intense popular excitement. Every adult single male + became at once a marrying man. The criminal statistics of + Badger county show that in that single year more marriages + occurred than in any decade before or since. But none of them + was my aunt's. Men married their cooks, their laundresses, + their deceased wives' mothers, their enemies' + sisters—married whomsoever would wed; and any man who, by + fair means or courtship, could not obtain a wife went before a + justice of the peace and made an affidavit that he had some + wives in Indiana. Such was the fear of being married alive by + my Aunt Patience.</p> + + <p>Now, where my aunt's affection was concerned she was, as the + reader will have already surmised, a rather determined woman; + and the extraordinary marrying epidemic having left but one + eligible male in all that county, she had set her heart upon + that one eligible male; then she went and carted him to her + home. He turned out to be a long Methodist parson, named + Huggins.</p> + + <p>Aside from his unconscionable length, the Rev. Berosus + Huggins was not so bad a fellow, and was nobody's fool. He was, + I suppose, the most ill-favored mortal, however, in the whole + northern half of America—thin, angular, cadaverous of + visage and solemn out of all reason. He commonly wore a + low-crowned black hat, set so far down upon his head as partly + to eclipse his eyes and wholly obscure the ample glory of his + ears. The only other visible article of his attire (except a + brace of wrinkled cowskin boots, by which the word "polish" + would have been considered the meaningless fragment of a lost + language) was a tight-fitting black frock-coat, preternaturally + long in the waist, the skirts of which fell about his heels, + sopping up the dew. This he always wore snugly buttoned from + the throat downward. In this attire he cut a tolerably spectral + figure. His aspect was so conspicuously unnatural and inhuman + that whenever he went into a cornfield, the predatory crows + would temporarily forsake their business to settle upon him in + swarms, fighting for the best seats upon his person, by way of + testifying their contempt for the weak inventions of the + husbandman.</p> + + <p>The day after the wedding my Aunt Patience summoned the Rev. + Berosus to the council chamber, and uttered her mind to the + following intent:</p> + + <p>"Now, Huggy, dear, I'll tell you what there is to do about + the place. First, you must repair all the fences, clearing out + the weeds and repressing the brambles with a strong hand. Then + you will have to exterminate the Canadian thistles, mend the + wagon, rig up a plow or two, and get things into ship-shape + generally. This will keep you out of mischief for the better + part of two years; of course you will have to give up + preaching, for the present. As soon as you have—O! I + forgot poor Phœbe. She"——</p> + + <p>"Mrs. Huggins," interrupted her solemn spouse, "I shall hope + to be the means, under Providence, of effecting all needful + reforms in the husbandry of this farm. But the sister you + mention (I trust she is not of the world's people)—have I + the pleasure of knowing her? The name, indeed, sounds familiar, + but"——</p> + + <p>"Not know Phœbe!" cried my aunt, with unfeigned + astonishment; "I thought everybody in Badger knew Phœbe. + Why, you will have to scratch her legs, every blessed morning + of your natural life!"</p> + + <p>"I assure you, madam," rejoined the Rev. Berosus, with + dignity, "it would yield me a hallowed pleasure to minister to + the spiritual needs of sister Phœbe, to the extent of my + feeble and unworthy ability; but, really, I fear the merely + secular ministration of which you speak must be entrusted to + abler and, I would respectfully suggest, female hands."</p> + + <p>"Whyyy, youuu ooold, foooool!" replied my aunt, spreading + her eyes with unbounded amazement, "Phœbe is a + <i>cow</i>!"</p> + + <p>"In that case," said the husband, with unruffled composure, + "it will, of course, devolve upon me to see that her carnal + welfare is properly attended to; and I shall be happy to bestow + upon her legs such time as I may, without sin, snatch from my + strife with Satan and the Canadian thistles."</p> + + <p>With that the Rev. Mr. Huggins crowded his hat upon his + shoulders, pronounced a brief benediction upon his bride, and + betook himself to the barn-yard.</p> + + <p>Now, it is necessary to explain that he had known from the + first who Phœbe was, and was familiar, from hearsay, with + all her sinful traits. Moreover, he had already done himself + the honor of making her a visit, remaining in the vicinity of + her person, just out of range, for more than an hour and + permitting her to survey him at her leisure from every point of + the compass. In short, he and Phœbe had mutually + reconnoitered and prepared for action.</p> + + <p>Amongst the articles of comfort and luxury which went to + make up the good parson's <i>dot</i>, and which his wife had + already caused to be conveyed to his new home, was a patent + cast-iron pump, about seven feet high. This had been deposited + near the barn-yard, preparatory to being set up on the planks + above the barn-yard well. Mr. Huggins now sought out this + invention and conveying it to its destination put it into + position, screwing it firmly to the planks. He next divested + himself of his long gaberdine and his hat, buttoning the former + loosely about the pump, which it almost concealed, and hanging + the latter upon the summit of the structure. The handle of the + pump, when depressed, curved outwardly between the coat-skirts, + singularly like a tail, but with this inconspicuous exception, + any unprejudiced observer would have pronounced the thing Mr. + Huggins, looking uncommonly well.</p> + + <p>The preliminaries completed, the good man carefully closed + the gate of the barnyard, knowing that as soon as Phœbe, + who was campaigning in the kitchen garden, should note the + precaution she would come and jump in to frustrate it, which + eventually she did. Her master, meanwhile, had laid himself, + coatless and hatless, along the outside of the close board + fence, where he put in the time pleasantly, catching his death + of cold and peering through a knot-hole.</p> + + <p>At first, and for some time, the animal pretended not to see + the figure on the platform. Indeed she had turned her back upon + it directly she arrived, affecting a light sleep. Finding that + this stratagem did not achieve the success that she had + expected, she abandoned it and stood for several minutes + irresolute, munching her cud in a half-hearted way, but + obviously thinking very hard. Then she began nosing along the + ground as if wholly absorbed in a search for something that she + had lost, tacking about hither and thither, but all the time + drawing nearer to the object of her wicked intention. Arrived + within speaking distance, she stood for a little while + confronting the fraudful figure, then put out her nose toward + it, as if to be caressed, trying to create the impression that + fondling and dalliance were more to her than wealth, power and + the plaudits of the populace—that she had been accustomed + to them all her sweet young life and could not get on without + them. Then she approached a little nearer, as if to shake + hands, all the while maintaining the most amiable expression of + countenance and executing all manner of seductive nods and + winks and smiles. Suddenly she wheeled about and with the + rapidity of lightning dealt out a terrible kick—a kick of + inconceivable force and fury, comparable to nothing in nature + but a stroke of paralysis out of a clear sky!</p> + + <p>The effect was magical! Cows kick, not backward but + sidewise. The impact which was intended to project the + counterfeit theologian into the middle of the succeeding + conference week reacted upon the animal herself, and it and the + pain together set her spinning like a top. Such was the + velocity of her revolution that she looked like a dim, circular + cow, surrounded by a continuous ring like that of the planet + Saturn—the white tuft at the extremity of her sweeping + tail! Presently, as the sustaining centrifugal force lessened + and failed, she began to sway and wabble from side to side, and + finally, toppling over on her side, rolled convulsively on her + back and lay motionless with all her feet in the air, honestly + believing that the world had somehow got atop of her and she + was supporting it at a great sacrifice of personal comfort. + Then she fainted.</p> + + <p>How long she lay unconscious she knew not, but at last she + unclosed her eyes, and catching sight of the open door of her + stall, "more sweet than all the landscape smiling near," she + struggled up, stood wavering upon three legs, rubbed her eyes, + and was visibly bewildered as to the points of the compass. + Observing the iron clergyman standing fast by its faith, she + threw it a look of grieved reproach and hobbled heart-broken + into her humble habitation, a subjugated cow.</p> + + <p>For several weeks Phœbe's right hind leg was swollen + to a monstrous growth, but by a season of judicious nursing she + was "brought round all right," as her sympathetic and puzzled + mistress phrased it, or "made whole," as the reticent man of + God preferred to say. She was now as tractable and inoffensive + "in her daily walk and conversation" (Huggins) as a little + child. Her new master used to take her ailing leg trustfully + into his lap, and for that matter, might have taken it into his + mouth if he had so desired. Her entire character appeared to be + radically changed—so altered that one day my Aunt + Patience, who, fondly as she loved her, had never before so + much as ventured to touch the hem of her garment, as it were, + went confidently up to her to soothe her with a pan of turnips. + Gad! how thinly she spread out that good old lady upon the face + of an adjacent stone wall! You could not have done it so evenly + with a trowel.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS" id="A_REVOLT_OF_THE_GODS"></a>A REVOLT OF THE GODS</h2> + + <p>My father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, my mother kept the + only shop for the sale of cats'-meat in my native city. They + did not live happily; the difference in social rank was a chasm + which could not be bridged by the vows of marriage. It was + indeed an ill-assorted and most unlucky alliance; and as might + have been foreseen it ended in disaster. One morning after the + customary squabbles at breakfast, my father rose from the + table, quivering and pale with wrath, and proceeding to the + parsonage thrashed the clergyman who had performed the marriage + ceremony. The act was generally condemned and public feeling + ran so high against the offender that people would permit dead + dogs to lie on their property until the fragrance was deafening + rather than employ him; and the municipal authorities suffered + one bloated old mastiff to utter itself from a public square in + so clamorous an exhalation that passing strangers supposed + themselves to be in the vicinity of a saw-mill. My father was + indeed unpopular. During these dark days the family's sole + dependence was on my mother's emporium for cats'-meat.</p> + + <p>The business was profitable. In that city, which was the + oldest in the world, the cat was an object of veneration. Its + worship was the religion of the country. The multiplication and + addition of cats were a perpetual instruction in arithmetic. + Naturally, any inattention to the wants of a cat was punished + with great severity in this world and the next; so my good + mother numbered her patrons by the hundred. Still, with an + unproductive husband and seventeen children she had some + difficulty in making both ends cats'-meat; and at last the + necessity of increasing the discrepancy between the cost price + and the selling price of her carnal wares drove her to an + expedient which proved eminently disastrous: she conceived the + unlucky notion of retaliating by refusing to sell cats'-meat + until the boycott was taken off her husband.</p> + + <p>On the day when she put this resolution into practice the + shop was thronged with excited customers, and others extended + in turbulent and restless masses up four streets, out of sight. + Inside there was nothing but cursing, crowding, shouting and + menace. Intimidation was freely resorted to—several of my + younger brothers and sisters being threatened with cutting up + for the cats—but my mother was as firm as a rock, and the + day was a black one for Sardasa, the ancient and sacred city + that was the scene of these events. The lock-out was vigorously + maintained, and seven hundred and fifty thousand cats went to + bed hungry!</p> + + <p>The next morning the city was found to have been placarded + during the night with a proclamation of the Federated Union of + Old Maids. This ancient and powerful order averred through its + Supreme Executive Head that the boycotting of my father and the + retaliatory lock-out of my mother were seriously imperiling the + interests of religion. The proclamation went on to state that + if arbitration were not adopted by noon that day all the old + maids of the federation would strike—and strike they + did.</p> + + <p>The next act of this unhappy drama was an insurrection of + cats. These sacred animals, seeing themselves doomed to + starvation, held a mass-meeting and marched in procession + through the streets, swearing and spitting like fiends. This + revolt of the gods produced such consternation that many pious + persons died of fright and all business was suspended to bury + them and pass terrifying resolutions.</p> + + <p>Matters were now about as bad as it seemed possible for them + to be. Meetings among representatives of the hostile interests + were held, but no understanding was arrived at that would hold. + Every agreement was broken as soon as made, and each element of + the discord was frantically appealing to the people. A new + horror was in store.</p> + + <p>It will be remembered that my father was a deodorizer of + dead dogs, but was unable to practice his useful and humble + profession because no one would employ him. The dead dogs in + consequence reeked rascally. Then they struck! From every + vacant lot and public dumping ground, from every hedge and + ditch and gutter and cistern, every crystal rill and the + clabbered waters of all the canals and estuaries—from all + the places, in short, which from time immemorial have been + preëmpted by dead dogs and consecrated to the uses of them and + their heirs and successors forever—they trooped + innumerous, a ghastly crew! Their procession was a mile in + length. Midway of the town it met the procession of cats in + full song. The cats instantly exalted their backs and magnified + their tails; the dead dogs uncovered their teeth as in life, + and erected such of their bristles as still adhered to the + skin.</p> + + <p>The carnage that ensued was too awful for relation! The + light of the sun was obscured by flying fur, and the battle was + waged in the darkness, blindly and regardless. The swearing of + the cats was audible miles away, while the fragrance of the + dead dogs desolated seven provinces.</p> + + <p>How the battle might have resulted it is impossible to say, + but when it was at its fiercest the Federated Union of Old + Maids came running down a side street and sprang into the + thickest of the fray. A moment later my mother herself bore + down upon the warring hosts, brandishing a cleaver, and laid + about her with great freedom and impartiality. My father joined + the fight, the municipal authorities engaged, and the general + public, converging on the battle-field from all points of the + compass, consumed itself in the center as it pressed in from + the circumference. Last of all, the dead held a meeting in the + cemetery and resolving on a general strike, began to destroy + vaults, tombs, monuments, headstones, willows, angels and young + sheep in marble—everything they could lay their hands on. + By nightfall the living and the dead were alike exterminated, + and where the ancient and sacred city of Sardasa had stood + nothing remained but an excavation filled with dead bodies and + building materials, shreds of cat and blue patches of decayed + dog. The place is now a vast pool of stagnant water in the + center of a desert.</p> + + <p>The stirring events of those few days constituted my + industrial education, and so well have I improved my advantages + that I am now Chief of Misrule to the Dukes of Disorder, an + organization numbering thirteen million American + workingmen.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BAPTISM_OF_DOBSHO"></a>THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO</h2> + + <p>It was a wicked thing to do, certainly. I have often + regretted it since, and if the opportunity of doing so again + were presented I should hesitate a long time before embracing + it. But I was young then, and cherished a species of humor + which I have since abjured. Still, when I remember the + character of the people who were burlesquing and bringing into + disrepute the letter and spirit of our holy religion I feel a + certain satisfaction in having contributed one feeble effort + toward making them ridiculous. In consideration of the little + good I may have done in that way, I beg the reader to judge my + conceded error as leniently as possible. This is the story.</p> + + <p>Some years ago the town of Harding, in Illinois, experienced + "a revival of religion," as the people called it. It would have + been more accurate and less profane to term it a revival of + Rampageanism, for the craze originated in, and was disseminated + by, the sect which I will call the Rampagean communion; and + most of the leaping and howling was done in that interest. + Amongst those who yielded to the influence was my friend Thomas + Dobsho. Tom had been a pretty bad sinner in a small way, but he + went into this new thing heart and soul. At one of the meetings + he made a public confession of more sins than he ever was, or + ever could have been guilty of; stopping just short of + statutory crimes, and even hinting, significantly, that he + could tell a good deal more if he were pressed. He wanted to + join the absurd communion the very evening of his conversion. + He wanted to join two or three communions. In fact, he was so + carried away with his zeal that some of the brethren gave me a + hint to take him home; he and I occupied adjoining apartments + in the Elephant Hotel.</p> + + <p>Tom's fervor, as it happened, came near defeating its own + purpose; instead of taking him at once into the fold without + reference or "character," which was their usual way, the + brethren remembered against him his awful confessions and put + him on probation. But after a few weeks, during which he + conducted himself like a decent lunatic, it was decided to + baptise him along with a dozen other pretty hard cases who had + been converted more recently. This sacrilegious ceremony I + persuaded myself it was my duty to prevent, though I think now + I erred as to the means adopted. It was to take place on a + Sunday, and on the preceding Saturday I called on the head + revivalist, the Rev. Mr. Swin, and craved an interview.</p> + + <p>"I come," said I, with simulated reluctance and + embarrassment, "in behalf of my friend, Brother Dobsho, to make + a very delicate and unusual request. You are, I think, going to + baptise him to-morrow, and I trust it will be to him the + beginning of a new and better life. But I don't know if you are + aware that his family are all Plungers, and that he is himself + tainted with the wicked heresy of that sect. So it is. He is, + as one might say in secular metaphor, 'on the fence' between + their grievous error and the pure faith of your church. It + would be most melancholy if he should get down on the wrong + side. Although I confess with shame I have not myself embraced + the truth, I hope I am not too blind to see where it lies."</p> + + <p>"The calamity that you apprehend," said the reverend lout, + after solemn reflection, "would indeed seriously affect our + friend's interest and endanger his soul. I had not expected + Brother Dobsho so soon to give up the good fight."</p> + + <p>"I think sir," I replied reflectively, "there is no fear of + that if the matter is skilfully managed. He is heartily with + you—might I venture to say with <i>us</i>—on every + point but one. He favors immersion! He has been so vile a + sinner that he foolishly fears the more simple rite of your + church will not make him wet enough. Would you believe it? his + uninstructed scruples on the point are so gross and + materialistic that he actually suggested soaping himself as a + preparatory ceremony! I believe, however, if instead of + sprinkling my friend, you would pour a generous basinful of + water on his head—but now that I think of it in your + enlightening presence I see that such a proceeding is quite out + of the question. I fear we must let matters take the usual + course, trusting to our later efforts to prevent the + backsliding which may result."</p> + + <p>The parson rose and paced the floor a moment, then suggested + that he'd better see Brother Dobsho, and labor to remove his + error. I told him I thought not; I was sure it would not be + best. Argument would only confirm him in his prejudices. So it + was settled that the subject should not be broached in that + quarter. It would have been bad for me if it had been.</p> + + <p>When I reflect now upon the guile of that conversation, the + falsehood of my representations and the wickedness of my motive + I am almost ashamed to proceed with my narrative. Had the + minister been other than an arrant humbug, I hope I should + never have suffered myself to make him the dupe of a scheme so + sacrilegious in itself, and prosecuted with so sinful a + disregard of honor.</p> + + <p>The memorable Sabbath dawned bright and beautiful. About + nine o'clock the cracked old bell, rigged up on struts before + the "meeting-house," began to clamor its call to service, and + nearly the whole population of Harding took its way to the + performance. I had taken the precaution to set my watch fifteen + minutes fast. Tom was nervously preparing himself for the + ordeal. He fidgeted himself into his best suit an hour before + the time, carried his hat about the room in the most aimless + and demented way and consulted his watch a hundred times. I was + to accompany him to church, and I spent the time fussing about + the room, doing the most extraordinary things in the most + exasperating manner—in short, keeping up Tom's feverish + excitement by every wicked device I could think of. Within a + half hour of the real time for service I suddenly yelled + out—</p> + + <p>"O, I say, Tom; pardon me, but that head of yours is just + frightful! Please <i>do</i> let me brush it up a bit!"</p> + + <p>Seizing him by the shoulders I thrust him into a chair with + his face to the wall, laid hold of his comb and brush, got + behind him and went to work. He was trembling like a child, and + knew no more what I was doing than if he had been brained. Now, + Tom's head was a curiosity. His hair, which was remarkably + thick, was like wire. Being cut rather short it stood out all + over his scalp like the spines on a porcupine. It had been a + favorite complaint of Tom's that he never could do anything to + that head. I found no difficulty—I did something to it, + though I blush to think what it was. I did something which I + feared he might discover if he looked in the mirror, so I + carelessly pulled out my watch, sprung it open, gave a start + and shouted—</p> + + <p>"By Jove! Thomas—pardon the oath—but we're late. + Your watch is all wrong; look at mine! Here's your hat, old + fellow; come along. There's not a moment to lose!"</p> + + <p>Clapping his hat on his head, I pulled him out of the house, + with actual violence. In five minutes more we were in the + meeting-house with ever so much time to spare.</p> + + <p>The services that day, I am told, were specially interesting + and impressive, but I had a good deal else on my mind—was + preoccupied, absent, inattentive. They might have varied from + the usual profane exhibition in any respect and to any extent, + and I should not have observed it. The first thing I clearly + perceived was a rank of "converts" kneeling before the "altar," + Tom at the left of the line. Then the Rev. Mr. Swin approached + him, thoughtfully dipping his fingers into a small earthern + bowl of water as if he had just finished dining. I was much + affected: I could see nothing distinctly for my tears. My + handkerchief was at my face—most of it inside. I was + observed to sob spasmodically, and I am abashed to think how + many sincere persons mistakenly followed my example.</p> + + <p>With some solemn words, the purport of which I did not quite + make out, except that they sounded like swearing, the minister + stood before Thomas, gave me a glance of intelligence and then + with an innocent expression of face, the recollection of which + to this day fills me with remorse, spilled, as if by accident, + the entire contents of the bowl on the head of my poor + friend—that head into the hair of which I had sifted a + prodigal profusion of Seidlitz-powders!</p> + + <p>I confess it, the effect was magical—anyone who was + present would tell you that. Tom's pow simmered—it + seethed—it foamed yeastily, and slavered like a mad dog! + It steamed and hissed, with angry spurts and flashes! In a + second it had grown bigger than a small snowbank, and whiter. + It surged, and boiled, and walloped, and overflowed, and + sputtered—sent off feathery flakes like down from a shot + swan! The froth poured creaming over his face, and got into his + eyes. It was the most sinful shampooing of the season!</p> + + <p>I cannot relate the commotion this produced, nor would I if + I could. As to Tom, he sprang to his feet and staggered out of + the house, groping his way between the pews, sputtering + strangled profanity and gasping like a stranded fish. The other + candidates for baptism rose also, shaking their pates as if to + say, "No you don't, my hearty," and left the house in a body. + Amidst unbroken silence the minister reascended the pulpit with + the empty bowl in his hand, and was first to speak:</p> + + <p>"Brethren and sisters," said he with calm, deliberate + evenness of tone, "I have held forth in this tabernacle for + many more years than I have got fingers and toes, and during + that time I have known not guile, nor anger, nor any + uncharitableness. As to Henry Barber, who put up this job on + me, I judge him not lest I be judged. Let him take <i>that</i> + and sin no more!"—and he flung the earthern bowl with so + true an aim that it was shattered against my skull. The rebuke + was not undeserved, I confess, and I trust I have profited by + it.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_RACE_AT_LEFT_BOWER"></a>THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER</h2> + + <p>"It's all very well fer you Britishers to go assin' about + the country tryin' to strike the trail o' the mines you've + salted down yer loose carpital in," said Colonel Jackhigh, + setting his empty glass on the counter and wiping his lips with + his coat sleeve; "but w'en it comes to hoss racin', w'y I've + got a cayuse ken lay over all the thurrerbreds yer little + mantel-ornyment of a island ever panned out—bet yer + britches I have! Talk about yer Durby winners—w'y this + pisen little beast o' mine'll take the bit in her teeth and + show 'em the way to the horizon like she was takin' her mornin' + stroll and they was tryin' to keep an eye on her to see she + didn't do herself an injury—that's w'at she would! And + she haint never run a race with anything spryer'n an Injun in + all her life; she's a green amatoor, <i>she</i> is!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, very well," said the Englishman with a quiet smile; "it + is easy enough to settle the matter. My animal is in tolerably + good condition, and if yours is in town we can have the race + to-morrow for any stake you like, up to a hundred dollars.</p> + + <p>"That's jest the figger," said the colonel; "dot it down, + barkeep. But it's like slarterin' the innocents," he added, + half-remorsefully, as he turned to leave; "it's bettin' on a + dead sure thing—that's what it is! If my cayuse knew wa't + I was about she'd go and break a laig to make the race a fair + one."</p> + + <p>So it was arranged that the race was to come off at three + o'clock the next day, on the <i>mesa</i>, some distance from + town. As soon as the news got abroad, the whole population of + Left Bower and vicinity knocked off work and assembled in the + various bars to discuss it. The Englishman and his horse were + general favorites, and aside from the unpopularity of the + colonel, nobody had ever seen his "cayuse." Still the element + of patriotism came in, making the betting very nearly even.</p> + + <p>A race-course was marked off on the <i>mesa</i> and at the + appointed hour every one was there except the colonel. It was + arranged that each man should ride his own horse, and the + Englishman, who had acquired something of the free-and-easy + bearing that distinguishes the "mining sharp," was already atop + of his magnificent animal, with one leg thrown carelessly + across the pommel of his Mexican saddle, as he puffed his cigar + with calm confidence in the result of the race. He was + conscious, too, that he possessed the secret sympathy of all, + even of those who had felt it their duty to bet against him. + The judge, watch in hand, was growing impatient, when the + colonel appeared about a half-mile away, and bore down upon the + crowd. Everyone was eager to inspect his mount; and such a + mount as it proved to be was never before seen, even in Left + Bower!</p> + + <p>You have seen "perfect skeletons" of horses often enough, no + doubt, but this animal was not even a perfect skeleton; there + were bones missing here and there which you would not have + believed the beast could have spared. "Little" the colonel had + called her! She was not an inch less than eighteen hands high, + and long out of all reasonable proportion. She was so hollow in + the back that she seemed to have been bent in a machine. She + had neither tail nor mane, and her neck, as long as a man, + stuck straight up into the air, supporting a head without ears. + Her eyes had an expression in them of downright insanity, and + the muscles of her face were afflicted with periodical + convulsions that drew back the corners of the mouth and + wrinkled the upper lip so as to produce a ghastly grin every + two or three seconds. In color she was "claybank," with great + blotches of white, as if she had been pelted with small bags of + flour. The crookedness of her legs was beyond all comparison, + and as to her gait it was that of a blind camel walking + diagonally across innumerable deep ditches. Altogether she + looked like the crude result of Nature's first experiment in + equifaction.</p> + + <p>As this libel on all horses shambled up to the starting post + there was a general shout; the sympathies of the crowd changed + in the twinkling of an eye! Everyone wanted to bet on her, and + the Englishman himself was only restrained from doing so by a + sense of honor. It was growing late, however, and the judge + insisted on starting them. They got off very well together, and + seeing the mare was unconscionably slow the Englishman soon + pulled his animal in and permitted the ugly thing to pass him, + so as to enjoy a back view of her. That sealed his fate. The + course had been marked off in a circle of two miles in + circumference and some twenty feet wide, the limits plainly + defined by little furrows. Before the animals had gone a half + mile both had been permitted to settle down into a comfortable + walk, in which they continued three-fourths of the way round + the ring. Then the Englishman thought it time to whip up and + canter in.</p> + + <p>But he didn't. As he came up alongside the "Lightning + Express," as the crowd had begun to call her, that creature + turned her head diagonally backward and let fall a smile. The + encroaching beast stopped as if he had been shot! His rider + plied whip, and forced him again forward upon the track of the + equine hag, but with the same result.</p> + + <p>The Englishman was now alarmed; he struggled manfully with + rein and whip and shout, amidst the tremendous cheering and + inextinguishable laughter of the crowd, to force his animal + past, now on this side, now on that, but it would not do. + Prompted by the fiend in the concavity of her back, the + unthinkable quadruped dropped her grins right and left with + such seasonable accuracy that again and again the competing + beast was struck "all of a heap" just at the moment of seeming + success. And, finally, when by a tremendous spurt his rider + endeavored to thrust him by, within half a dozen lengths of the + winning post, the incarnate nightmare turned squarely about and + fixed upon him a portentous stare—delivering at the same + time a grimace of such prodigious ghastliness that the poor + thoroughbred, with an almost human scream of terror, wheeled + about, and tore away to the rear with the speed of the wind, + leaving the colonel an easy winner in twenty minutes and ten + seconds.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_FAILURE_OF_HOPE_WANDEL"></a>THE FAILURE OF HOPE + & WANDEL</h2> + + <p><i>From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, December 2, 1877.</i></p> + + <p>I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my + journey from New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in + Chicago, believe me, and the Southron who comes here, as I did, + without a relay of noses and ears will have reason to regret + his mistaken economy in arranging his outfit.</p> + + <p>To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy, O child + of a torrid clime, a sheet of anybody's ice, three hundred + miles long, forty broad, and six feet thick! It sounds like a + lie, Pikey dear, but your partner in the firm of Hope & + Wandel, Wholesale Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is never known + to fib. My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present + business and send on the money at once. I'll put up a warehouse + as big as the Capitol at Washington, store it full and ship to + your orders as the Southern market may require. I can send it + in planks for skating floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in + shavings for juleps, or in solution for ice cream and general + purposes. It is a big thing!</p> + + <p>I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such + charming ice?</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, + in Chicago, December 24, 1877.</i></p> + + <p>Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and + blurring that it was entirely illegible. It must have come all + the way by water. By the aid of chemicals and photography, + however, I have made it out. But you forgot to inclose the + sample of ice.</p> + + <p>I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice, I am + sorry to say) and inclose draft for net amount. Shall begin to + spar for orders at once. I trust everything to you—but, I + say, has anybody tried to grow ice in <i>this</i> vicinity? + There is Lake Ponchartrain, you know.</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, February 27, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new warehouse + for the ice. Though made of boards, and run up rather hastily, + it is as pretty as a picture, and cost a deal of money, though + I pay no ground rent. It is about as big as the Capitol at + Washington. Do you think it ought to have a steeple? I have it + nearly filled—fifty men cutting and storing, day and + night—awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I + wrote you last was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't + you worry; there is plenty.</p> + + <p>Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town, so I am not + much bothered by visitors, which is a relief. Such a giggling, + sniggering lot you never saw!</p> + + <p>It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie, but do you + know I believe this ice of ours gains in coldness as the warm + weather comes on! I do, indeed, and you may mention the fact in + the advertisements.</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, + in Chicago, March 7, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a + roaring trade as "The New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice + Company." But you have not told me whether the ice is fresh or + salt. If it is fresh it won't do for cooking, and if it is salt + it will spoil the mint juleps.</p> + + <p>Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts are?</p> + + + <p><i>From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of + New Orleans, April 3, 1878.</i></p> + + <p>Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are thick as + ducks. I'm afloat, <i>en route</i> for Buffalo, with the assets + of the New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company in my + vest pocket. We are busted out, my poor Pikey—we are to + fortune and to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting of the creditors + and don't attend.</p> + + <p>Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed into + match-wood on an enormous mass of floating ice—the first + berg ever seen in these waters. It is described by the + survivors as being about as big as the Capital at Washington. + One-half of that iceberg belongs to you, Pikey.</p> + + <p>The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on an + unfavorable site, about a mile out from the shore (on the ice, + you understand), and when the thaw came—O my God, Wannie, + it was the saddest thing you ever saw in all your life! You + will be <i>so</i> glad to know I was not in it at the time.</p> + + <p>What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor partner, you + don't seem to know very much about the ice business.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="PERRY_CHUMLYS_ECLIPSE"></a>PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE</h2> + + <p>The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate + instrument, consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, + which, decomposing the light of any heavenly body to which the + instrument is directed, presents a spectrum, or long bar of + color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and bright lines produced + by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby the celestial + orb's light is generated. From these dark and bright lines, + therefore, we ascertain all that is worth knowing about the + composition of the sun and stars.</p> + + <p>Now Ben had made some striking discoveries in spectroscopic + analysis at his private garden observatory, and had also an + instrument of superior power and capacity, invented, or at + least much improved, by himself; and this instrument it was + that he and I were arranging for an examination of the comet + then flaming in the heavens. William sat by apparently + uninterested. Finally we had our arrangements for an + observation completed, and Ben said: "Now turn her on."</p> + + <p>"That reminds me," said William, "of a little story about + Perry Chumly, who—"</p> + + <p>"For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a + hand on his arm, "I must beg you not to relate it. The comet + will in a few minutes be behind the roof of yonder lodging + house. We really have no time for the story."</p> + + <p>"No," said Ben, "time presses; and, anyhow, I've heard it + before."</p> + + <p>"This Perry Chumly," resumed William, "believed himself a + born astronomer, and always kept a bit of smoked glass. He was + particularly great on solar eclipses. I have known him to sit + up all night looking out for one."</p> + + <p>Ben had now got the spectroscope trained skyward to suit + him, and in order to exclude all irrelevant light had let down + the window-blind on the tube of it. The spectrum of the comet + came out beautifully—a long bar of color crossed with a + lovely ruling of thin dark and bright lines, the sight of which + elicited from us an exclamation of satisfaction.</p> + + <p>"One day," continued William from his seat at another + window, "some one told Perry Chumly there would be an eclipse + of the sun that afternoon at three o'clock. Now Perry had + recently read a story about some men who in exploring a deep + cañon in the mountains had looked up from the bottom and seen + the stars shining at midday. It occurred to him that this + knowledge might be so utilized as to give him a fine view of + the eclipse, and enable him at the same time to see what the + stars would appear to think about it."</p> + + <p>"<i>This</i>," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines + in the cometic spectrum, "<i>this</i> is produced by the vapor + of carbon in the nucleus of the heavenly visitant. You will + observe that it differs but slightly from the lines that come + of volatilized iron. Examined with this magnifying + glass"—adjusting that instrument to his eye—"it + will probably show—by Jove!" he ejaculated, after a + nearer view, "it isn't carbon at all. <i>It is</i> MEAT!"</p> + + <p>"Of course," proceeded William, "of course Perry Chumly did + not have any cañon, so what did the fellow do but let himself + down with his arms and legs to the bottom of an old well, about + thirty feet deep! And, with the cold water up to his middle, + and the frogs, pollywogs and aquatic lizards quarreling for the + cosy corners of his pockets, there he stood, waiting for the + sun to appear in the field of his 'instrument' and be + eclipsed."</p> + + <p>"Ben, you are joking," I remarked with some asperity; "you + are taking liberties with science, Benjamin. It <i>can't</i> be + meat, you know."</p> + + <p>"I tell you it <i>is</i> though," was his excited reply; "it + is just <i>meat</i>, I tell you! And this other line, which at + first I took for sodium, is <i>bone</i>—bone, sir, or I'm + an asteroid! I never saw the like; that comet must be densely + peopled with butchers and horse-knackers!"</p> + + <p>"When Perry Chumly had waited a long time," William went on + to say, "looking up and expecting every minute to see the sun, + it began to get into his mind, somehow, that the bright, + circular opening above his head—the mouth of the + well—<i>was</i> the sun, and that the black disk of the + moon was all that was needed to complete the expected + phenomenon. The notion soon took complete possession of his + brain, so that he forgot where he was and imagined himself + standing on the surface of the earth."</p> + + <p>I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum very closely, + being particularly attracted by a thin, faint line, which I + thought Ben had overlooked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that is nothing," he explained; "that's a mere local + fault arising from conditions peculiar to the medium through + which the light is transmitted—the atmosphere of this + neighborhood. It is whisky. This other line, though, shows the + faintest imaginable trace of soap; and these uncertain, + wavering ones are caused by some effluvium not in the comet + itself, but in the region beyond it. I am compelled to + pronounce it tobacco smoke. I will now tilt the instrument so + as to get the spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! + there we have it. Splendid!"</p> + + <p>"Now this old well," said William, "was near a road, along + which was traveling a big and particularly hideous nigger."</p> + + <p>"See here, Thomas," exclaimed Ben, removing the magnifying + glass from his eye and looking me earnestly in the face, "if I + were to tell you that the <i>coma</i> of this eccentric + heavenly body is really hair, as its name implies, would you + believe it?"</p> + + <p>"No, Ben, I certainly should not."</p> + + <p>"Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the + lines—they speak for themselves. But now that I look + again, you are not entirely wrong: there is a considerable + admixture of jute, moss, and I think tallow. It certainly is + most remarkable! Sir Isaac Newton—"</p> + + <p>"That big nigger," drawled William, "felt thirsty, and + seeing the mouth of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket + in it. So he ventured to creep forward on his hands and knees + and look in over the edge."</p> + + <p>Suddenly our spectrum vanished, and a very singular one of a + quite different appearance presented itself in the same place. + It was a dim spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of pale + yellow.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said Ben, "our waif of the upper deep is obscured by a + cloud; let us see what the misty veil is made of."</p> + + <p>He took a look at the spectrum with his magnifying glass, + started back, and muttered: "Brown linen, by thunder!"</p> + + <p>"You can imagine the rapture of Perry Chumly," pursued the + indefatigable William, "when he saw, as he supposed, the moon's + black disk encroaching upon the body of the luminary that had + so long riveted his gaze. But when that obscuring satellite had + thrust herself so far forward that the eclipse became almost + annular, and he saw her staring down upon a darkened world with + glittering white eyes and a double row of flashing teeth, it is + perhaps not surprising that he vented a scream of terror, + fainted and collapsed among his frogs! As for the big nigger, + almost equally terrified by this shriek from the abyss, he + executed a precipitate movement which only the breaking of his + neck prevented from being a double back-somersault, and lay + dead in the weeds with his tongue out and his face the color of + a cometic spectrum. We laid them in the same grave, poor + fellows, and on many a still summer evening afterward I strayed + to the lonely little church-yard to listen to the smothered + requiem chanted by the frogs that we had neglected to remove + from the pockets of the lamented astronomer.</p> + + <p>"And, now," added William, taking his heels from the window, + "as you can not immediately resume your spectroscopic + observations on that red-haired chamber-maid in the + dormer-window, who pulled down the blind when I made a mouth at + her, I move that we adjourn."</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_PROVIDENTIAL_INTIMATION"></a>A PROVIDENTIAL + INTIMATION</h2> + + <p>Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The + world of Mr. Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one's + world is likely to do when one sits up till morning with jovial + friends, to watch it, and he was prone to resentment. No + sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a neat, fashionable + suit of clothing than he selected his morning walking-stick and + sallied out upon the town with a vague general determination to + attack something. His first victim would naturally have been + his breakfast; but singularly enough, he fell upon this with so + feeble an energy that he was himself beaten—to the + grieved astonishment of the worthy <i>rôtisseur</i>, who had to + record his hitherto puissant patron's maiden defeat. Three or + four cups of <i>café noir</i> were the only captives that + graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-wheels that morning.</p> + + <p>He lit a long cigar and sauntered moodily down the street, + so occupied with schemes of universal retaliation that his feet + had it all their own way; in consequence of which, their owner + soon found himself in the billiard-room of the Occidental + Hotel. Nobody was there, but Mr. Jarvis was a privileged + person; so, going to the marker's desk, he took out a little + box of ivory balls, spilled them carelessly over a table and + languidly assailed them with a long stick.</p> + + <p>Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvelous + stroke. Waiting till the astonished balls had resumed their + composure, he gathered them up, replacing them in their former + position. He tried the stroke again, and, naturally, did not + make it. Again he placed the balls, and again he badly failed. + With a vexed and humilated air he once more put the indocile + globes into position, leaned over the table and was upon the + point of striking, when there sounded a solemn voice from + behind:</p> + + <p>"Bet you two bits you don't make it!"</p> + + <p>Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked at + the speaker, whom he found to be a stranger—one that most + persons would prefer should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made + no reply. In the first place, he was a man of aristocratic + taste, to whom a wager of "two bits" was simply vulgar. + Secondly, the man who had proffered it evidently had not the + money. Still it is annoying to have one's skill questioned by + one's social inferiors, particularly when one has doubts of it + oneself, and is otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr. Jarvis stood his + cue against the table, laid off his fashionable morning-coat, + resumed his stick, spread his fine figure upon the table with + his back to the ceiling and took deliberate aim.</p> + + <p>At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is + seen no more forever. Persons of the class to which he adds + lustre are sacred from the pen of the humorist; they are + ridiculous but not amusing. So now we will dismiss this + uninteresting young aristocrat, retaining merely his outer + shell, the fashionable morning-coat, which Mr. Stenner, the + gentleman, who had offered the wager, has quietly thrown across + his arm and is conveying away for his own advantage.</p> + + <p>An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at + North Beach, with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had + already taken the opinion of an eminent pawnbroker on its + value, and it only remained to search the pockets. Mr. + Stenner's notions concerning gentlemen's coats were not so + clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were that + these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth + of bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was therefore + disappointed when his careful quest was rewarded with only a + delicately perfumed handkerchief, upon which he could not hope + to obtain a loan of more than ten cents; a pair of gloves too + small for use and a bit of paper that was not a cheque. A + second look at this, however, inspired hope. It was about the + size of a flounder, ruled in wide lines, and bore in + conspicuous characters the words, "Western Union Telegraph + Company." Immediately below this interesting legend was much + other printed matter, the purport of which was that the company + did not hold itself responsible for the verbal accuracy of "the + following message," and did not consider itself either morally + or legally bound to forward or deliver it, nor, in short, to + render any kind of service for the money paid by the + sender.</p> + + <p>Unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed + that a message subject to these hard conditions must be one of + not only grave importance, but questionable character. So he + determined to decipher it at that time and place. In the course + of the day he succeeded in so doing. It ran as follows, + omitting the date and the names of persons and places, which + were, of course, quite illegible:</p> + + <p>"Buy Sally Meeker!"</p> + + <p>Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon + Mr. Stenner all at once it might have carried him away, which + would not have been so bad a thing for San Francisco; but as + the meaning had to percolate slowly through a dense dyke of + ignorance, it produced no other immediate effect than the + exclamation, "Well, I'll be bust!"</p> + + <p>In the mouths of some persons this form of expression means + a great deal. On the Stenner tongue it signified the hopeless + nature of the Stenner mental confusion.</p> + + <p>It must be confessed—by persons outside a certain + limited and sordid circle—that the message lacks + amplification and elaboration; in its terse, bald diction there + is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human flesh, for which in + California there is no market since the abolition of slavery + and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman suffrage + had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner + would at once have understood the kind of purchase advised; for + in political transactions he had very often changed hands + himself. But it was all a muddle, and resolving to dismiss the + matter from his thoughts, he went to bed thinking of nothing + else; for many hours his excited imagination would do nothing + but purchase slightly damaged Sally Meekers by the bale, and + retail them to itself at an enormous profit.</p> + + <p>Next day, it flashed upon his memory who Sally Meeker + was—a racing mare! At this entirely obvious solution of + the problem he was overcome with amazement at his own sagacity. + Rushing into the street he purchased, not Sally Meeker, but a + sporting paper—and in it found the notice of a race which + was to come off the following week; and, sure enough, there it + was:</p> + + <p>"Budd Doble enters g.g. Clipper; Bob Scotty enters b.g. + Lightnin'; Staley Tupper enters s.s. Upandust; Sim Salper + enters b.m. Sally Meeker."</p> + + <p>It was clear now; the sender of the dispatch was "in the + know." Sally Meeker was to win, and her owner, who did not know + it, had offered her for sale. At that supreme moment Mr. + Stenner would willingly have been a rich man! In fact he + resolved to be. He at once betook him to Vallejo, where he had + lived until invited away by some influential citizens of the + place. There he immediately sought out an industrious friend + who had an amiable weakness for draw poker, and in whom Mr. + Stenner regularly encouraged that passion by going up against + him every payday and despoiling him of his hard earnings. He + did so this time, to the sum of one hundred dollars.</p> + + <p>No sooner had he raked in his last pool and refused his + friend's appeal for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for + breakfast than he bought a check on the Bank of California, + enclosed it in a letter containing merely the words "Bi Saly + Meker," and dispatched it by mail to the only clergyman in San + Francisco whose name he knew. Mr. Stenner had a vague notion + that all kinds of business requiring strict honesty and + fidelity might be profitably intrusted to the clergy; otherwise + what was the use of religion? I hope I shall not be accused of + disrespect to the cloth in thus bluntly setting forth Mr. + Stenner's estimate of the parsons, inasmuch as I do not share + it.</p> + + <p>This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's + revelry; at the end of which he worked his passage down to San + Francisco to secure his winnings on the race, and take charge + of his peerless mare. It will be observed that his notions + concerning races were somewhat confused; his experience of them + had hitherto been confined to that branch of the business + requiring, not technical knowledge but manual dexterity. In + short, he had done no more than pick the pockets of the + spectators. Arrived at San Francisco he was hastening to the + dwelling of his clerical agent, when he met an acquaintance, to + whom he put the triumphant question, "How about Sally + Meeker?"</p> + + <p>"Sally Meeker? Sally Meeker?" was the reply. "Oh, you mean + the hoss? Why she's gone up the flume. Broke her neck the first + heat. But ole Sim Salper is never a-goin' to fret hisself to a + shadder about it. He struck it pizen in the mine she was named + a'ter and the stock's gone up from nothin' out o' sight. You + couldn't tech that stock with a ten-foot pole!"</p> + + <p>Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error; the + message in the coat had evidently been sent to a broker, and + referred to the stock of the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, + Stenner, was a ruined man!</p> + + <p>Suddenly a great, monstrous, misbegotten and unmentionable + oath rolled from Mr. Stenner's tongue like a cannon shot hurled + along an uneven floor! Might it not be that the Rev. Mr. + Boltright had also misunderstood the message, and had bought, + not the mare, but the stock? The thought was electrical: Mr. + Stenner ran—he flew! He tarried not at walls and the + smaller sort of houses, but went through or over them! In five + minutes he stood before the good clergyman—and in one + more had asked, in a hoarse whisper, if he had bought any + "Sally Meeker."</p> + + <p>"My good friend," was the bland reply—"my fellow + traveler to the bar of God, it would better comport with your + spiritual needs to inquire what you should do to be saved. But + since you ask me, I will confess that having received what I am + compelled to regard as a Providential intimation, accompanied + with the secular means of obedience, I did put up a small + margin and purchase largely of the stock you mention. The + venture, I am constrained to state, was not wholly + unprofitable."</p> + + <p>Unprofitable? The good man had made a square twenty-five + thousand dollars on that small margin! To conclude—he has + it yet.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MR_SWIDDLERS_FLIP_FLAP"></a>MR. SWIDDLER'S + FLIP-FLAP</h2> + + <p>Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be + hanged on Friday, the ninth of November, at five o'clock in the + afternoon. This was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he + was then in prison. Jerome was my friend, and naturally I + differed with the jury that had convicted him as to the degree + of guilt implied by the conceded fact that he had shot an + Indian without direct provocation. Ever since his trial I had + been endeavoring to influence the Governor of the State to + grant a pardon; but public sentiment was against me, a fact + which I attributed partly to the innate pigheadness of the + people, and partly to the recent establishment of churches and + schools which had corrupted the primitive notions of a frontier + community. But I labored hard and unremittingly by all manner + of direct and indirect means during the whole period in which + Jerome lay under sentence of death; and on the very morning of + the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me, and + saying "he did not purpose being worried by my importunities + all winter," handed me the document which he had so often + refused.</p> + + <p>Armed with the precious paper, I flew to the telegraph + office to send a dispatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found + the operator locking the door of the office and putting up the + shutters. I pleaded in vain; he said he was going to see the + hanging, and really had no time to send my message. I must + explain that Flatbroke was fifteen miles away; I was then at + Swan Creek, the State capital.</p> + + <p>The operator being inexorable, I ran to the railroad station + to see how soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The + station man, with cool and polite malice, informed me that all + the employees of the road had been given a holiday to see + Jerome Bowles hanged, and had already gone by an early train; + that there would be no other train till the next day.</p> + + <p>I was now furious, but the station man quietly turned me + out, locking the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I + ordered a horse. Why prolong the record of my disappointment? + Not a horse could I get in that town; all had been engaged + weeks before to take people to the hanging. So everybody said, + at least, though I now know there was a rascally conspiracy to + defeat the ends of mercy, for the story of the pardon had got + abroad.</p> + + <p>It was now ten o'clock. I had only seven hours in which to + do my fifteen miles afoot; but I was an excellent walker and + thoroughly angry; there was no doubt of my ability to make the + distance, with an hour to spare. The railway offered the best + chance; it ran straight as a string across a level, treeless + prairie, whereas the highway made a wide detour by way of + another town.</p> + + <p>I took to the track like a Modoc on the war path. Before I + had gone a half-mile I was overtaken by "That Jim Peasley," as + he was called in Swan Creek, an incurable practical joker, + loved and shunned by all who knew him. He asked me as he came + up if I were "going to the show." Thinking it was best to + dissemble, I told him I was, but said nothing of my intention + to stop the performance; I thought it would be a lesson to That + Jim to let him walk fifteen miles for nothing, for it was clear + that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on ahead or + drop behind. But he could not very well do the former, and + would not do the latter; so we trudged on together. It was a + cloudy day and very sultry for that time of the year. The + railway stretched away before us, between its double row of + telegraph poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a point at + the horizon. On either hand the disheartening monotony of the + prairie was unbroken.</p> + + <p>I thought little of these things, however, for my mental + exaltation was proof against the depressing influence of the + scene. I was about to save the life of my friend—to + restore a crack shot to society. Indeed I scarcely thought of + That Jim, whose heels were grinding the hard gravel close + behind me, except when he saw fit occasionally to propound the + sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?" Of course + I was, but I would have died rather than confess it.</p> + + <p>We had gone in this way, about half the distance, probably, + in much less than half the seven hours, and I was getting my + second wind, when That Jim again broke the silence.</p> + + <p>"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?"</p> + + <p>This was quite true! in a season of pecuniary depression I + had once put my legs into my stomach—had turned my + athletic accomplishments to financial advantage. It was not a + pleasant topic, and I said nothing. That Jim persisted.</p> + + <p>"Wouldn't like to do a feller a somersault now, eh?"</p> + + <p>The mocking tongue of this jeer was intolerable; the fellow + evidently considered me "done up," so taking a short run I + clapped my hands to my thighs and executed as pretty a + flip-flap as ever was made without a springboard! At the moment + I came erect with my head still spinning, I felt That Jim crowd + past me, giving me a twirl that almost sent me off the track. A + moment later he had dashed ahead at a tremendous pace, laughing + derisively over his shoulder as if he had done a remarkably + clever thing to gain the lead.</p> + + <p>I was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I + must confess the fellow could walk amazingly. In half an hour I + had run past him, and at the end of the hour, such was my + slashing gait, he was a mere black dot in my rear, and appeared + to be sitting on one of the rails, thoroughly used up.</p> + + <p>Relieved of Mr. Peasley, I naturally began thinking of my + poor friend in the Flatbroke jail, and it occurred to me that + something might happen to hasten the execution. I knew the + feeling of the country against him, and that many would be + there from a distance who would naturally wish to get home + before nightfall. Nor could I help admitting to myself that + five o'clock was an unreasonably late hour for a hanging. + Tortured with these fears, I unconsciously increased my pace + with every step, until it was almost a run. I stripped off my + coat and flung it away, opened my collar, and unbuttoned my + waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming like a locomotive + engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers on the outskirts of + the town, and flourished the pardon crazily above my head, + yelling, "Cut him down!—cut him down!"</p> + + <p>Then, as every one stared in blank amazement and nobody said + anything, I found time to look about me, marveling at the oddly + familiar appearance of the town. As I looked, the houses, + streets, and everything seemed to undergo a sudden and + mysterious transposition with reference to the points of the + compass, as if swinging round on a pivot; and like one awakened + from a dream I found myself among accustomed scenes. To be + plain about it, I was back again in Swan Creek, as right as a + trivet!</p> + + <p>It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The designing + rascal had provoked me to throw a confusing somersault, then + bumped against me, turning me half round, and started on the + back track, thereby inciting me to hook it in the same + direction. The cloudy day, the two lines of telegraph poles, + one on each side of the track, the entire sameness of the + landscape to the right and left—these had all conspired + to prevent my observing that I had put about.</p> + + <p>When the excursion train returned from Flatbroke that + evening the passengers were told a little story at my expense. + It was just what they needed to cheer them up a bit after what + they had seen; for that flip-flap of mine had broken the neck + of Jerome Bowles seven miles away!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_LITTLE_STORY" id="THE_LITTLE_STORY"></a>THE LITTLE STORY</h2> + + <p>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ—<i>A Supernumerary Editor. A + Probationary Contributor</i>.</p> + + <p>SCENE—"<i>The Expounder" Office</i>.</p> + + <p>PROBATIONARY CONTRIBUTOR—Editor in?</p> + + <p>SUPERNUMERARY EDITOR—Dead.</p> + + <p>P.C.—The gods favor me. (<i>Produces roll of + manuscript</i>.) Here is a little story, which I will read to + you.</p> + + <p>S.E.—O, O!</p> + + <p>P.C.—(<i>Reads</i>.) "It was the last night of the + year—a naughty, noxious, offensive night. In the + principal street of San Francisco"—</p> + + <p>S.E.—Confound San Francisco!</p> + + <p>P.C.—It had to be somewhere. (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small + female orphan, marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare + feet imprinted cold kisses on the paving-stones as she put them + down and drew them up alternately. The chilling rain was having + a good time with her scalp, and toyed soppily with her + hair—her own hair. The night-wind shrewdly searched her + tattered garments, as if it had suspected her of smuggling. She + saw crowds of determined-looking persons grimly ruining + themselves in toys and confectionery for the dear ones at home, + and she wished she was in a position to ruin a + little—just a little. Then, as the happy throng sped by + her with loads of things to make the children sick, she leaned + against an iron lamp-post in front of a bake-shop and turned on + the wicked envy. She thought, poor thing, she would like to be + a cake—for this little girl was very hungry indeed. Then + she tried again, and thought she would like to be a tart with + smashed fruit inside; then she would be warmed over every day + and nobody would eat her. For the child was cold as well as + hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and thought she could be + very well content as an oven; for then she would be kept always + hot, and bakers would put all manner of good things into her + with a long shovel."</p> + + <p>S.E.—I've read that somewhere.</p> + + <p>P.C.—Very likely. This little story has never been + rejected by any paper to which I have offered it. It gets + better, too, every time I write it. When it first appeared in + <i>Veracity</i> the editor said it cost him a hundred + subscribers. Just mark the improvement! (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"The hours glided by—except a few that froze to the + pavement—until midnight. The streets were now deserted, + and the almanac having predicted a new moon about this time, + the lamps had been conscientiously extinguished. Suddenly a + great globe of sound fell from an adjacent church-tower, and + exploded on the night with a deep metallic boom. Then all the + clocks and bells began ringing-in the New Year—pounding + and banging and yelling and finishing off all the nervous + invalids left over from the preceding Sunday. The little orphan + started from her dream, leaving a small patch of skin on the + frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin blue hands and looked + upward, 'with mad disquietude,'"—</p> + + <p>S.E.—In <i>The Monitor</i> it was "with covetous + eyes."</p> + + <p>P.C.—I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, + Byron. (<i>Reads.</i>)</p> + + <p>"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently + from the clouds."</p> + + <p>S.E.—How about those angels?</p> + + <p>P.C.—The editor of <i>Good Will</i> cut 'em out. He + said San Francisco was no place for them; and I don't + believe——</p> + + <p>S.E.—There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little + story.</p> + + <p>P.C.—(<i>Reads</i>.) "As she stooped to take up the + tart a veal sandwich came whizzing down, and cuffed one of her + ears. Next a wheaten loaf made her dodge nimbly, and then a + broad ham fell flat-footed at her toes. A sack of flour burst + in the middle of the street; a side of bacon impaled itself on + an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a chain of sausages fell in + a circle around her, flattening out as if a road-roller had + passed over them. Then there was a lull—nothing came down + but dried fish, cold puddings and flannel under-clothing; but + presently her wishes began to take effect again, and a quarter + of beef descended with terrific momentum upon the top of the + little orphan's head."</p> + + <p>S.E.—How did the editor of <i>The Reasonable + Virtues</i> like that quarter of beef?</p> + + <p>P.C.—Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck + in a few dressed pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I + don't want outsiders altering the Little Story. + (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so. + Bedding, shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of + onions, quantities of loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic + fowls, crates of crockery and glassware, assorted house-keeping + things, cooking ranges, and tons of coal poured down in broad + cataracts from a bounteous heaven, piling themselves above that + infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was more than two + hours in clearing up; and as late as half-past three a + ponderous hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and + Kearney Streets, with an impact that shook the peninsula like + an earthquake and stopped every clock in town.</p> + + <p>"At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with + shovels and wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year + was an hour old, they had provided for all of these + provisions—had stowed them away in their cellars, and + nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready for sale to the + deserving poor."</p> + + <p>S.E.—And the little girl—what became of + <i>her</i>?</p> + + <p>P.C.—You musn't get ahead of the Little Story. + (<i>Reads</i>.)</p> + + <p>"When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had + not been content with her lot some one brought a broom, and she + was carefully swept and smoothed out. Then they lifted her + tenderly, and carried her to the coroner. That functionary was + standing in the door of his office, and with a deprecatory wave + of his hand, he said to the man who was bearing her:</p> + + <p>"'There, go away, my good fellow; there was a man here three + times yesterday trying to sell me just such a map.'"</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap02"></a>THE PARENTICIDE CLUB</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MY_FAVORITE_MURDER" id="MY_FAVORITE_MURDER"></a>MY FAVORITE MURDER</h2> + + <p>Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular + atrocity, I was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted + seven years. In charging the jury, the judge of the Court of + Acquittal remarked that it was one of the most ghastly crimes + that he had ever been called upon to explain away.</p> + + <p>At this, my attorney rose and said:</p> + + <p>"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable + only by comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my + client's previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his + later offense (if offense it may be called) something in the + nature of tender forbearance and filial consideration for the + feelings of the victim. The appalling ferocity of the former + assassination was indeed inconsistent with any hypothesis but + that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the + honorable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a + life insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which + my client held a policy, it is hard to see how he could + decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like to hear + about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, + this unfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself + the pain of relating it under oath."</p> + + <p>The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a + statement would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony + in this case is closed. The prisoner's statement should have + been introduced three years ago, in the spring of 1881."</p> + + <p>"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and + in the Court of Objections and Technicalities you would get a + ruling in your favor. But not in a Court of Acquittal. The + objection is overruled."</p> + + <p>"I except," said the district attorney.</p> + + <p>"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you + that in order to take an exception you must first get this case + transferred for a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal + motion duly supported by affidavits. A motion to that effect by + your predecessor in office was denied by me during the first + year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the prisoner."</p> + + <p>The customary oath having been administered, I made the + following statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a + sense of the comparative triviality of the offense for which I + was on trial that he made no further search for mitigating + circumstances, but simply instructed the jury to acquit, and I + left the court, without a stain upon my reputation:</p> + + <p>"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and + reputable parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to + comfort me in my later years. In 1867 the family came to + California and settled near Nigger Head, where my father opened + a road agency and prospered beyond the dreams of avarice. He + was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his increasing years + have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his disposition, and + I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad event for + which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a genuine + hilarity.</p> + + <p>"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant + preacher came along, and having no other way to pay for the + night's lodging that we gave him, favored us with an + exhortation of such power that, praise God, we were all + converted to religion. My father at once sent for his brother, + the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival turned + over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise + nor plant—the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a + sawed-off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out of flour + sacks. The family then moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance + house. It was called 'The Saints' Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the + proceedings each night began with prayer. It was there that my + now sainted mother, by her grace in the dance, acquired the + <i>sobriquet</i> of 'The Bucking Walrus.'</p> + + <p>"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the + road to Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were + four other passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, + persons whom I identified as my Uncle William and his two sons + held up the stage. Finding nothing in the express box, they + went through the passengers. I acted a most honorable part in + the affair, placing myself in line with the others, holding up + my hands and permitting myself to be deprived of forty dollars + and a gold watch. From my behavior no one could have suspected + that I knew the gentlemen who gave the entertainment. A few + days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked for the return + of my money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they knew + nothing of the matter, and they affected a belief that my + father and I had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation + of commercial good faith. Uncle William even threatened to + retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at Ghost Rock. + As 'The Saints' Rest' had become rather unpopular, I saw that + this would assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so + I told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the past if he + would take me into the scheme and keep the partnership a secret + from my father. This fair offer he rejected, and I then + perceived that it would be better and more satisfactory if he + were dead.</p> + + <p>"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating + them to my dear parents I had the gratification of receiving + their approval. My father said he was proud of me, and my + mother promised that although her religion forbade her to + assist in taking human life I should have the advantage of her + prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure looking to my + security in case of detection I made an application for + membership in that powerful order, the Knights of Murder, and + in due course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock + commandery. On the day that my probation ended I was for the + first time permitted to inspect the records of the order and + learn who belonged to it—all the rites of initiation + having been conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in + looking over the roll of membership; I found the third name to + be that of my uncle, who indeed was junior vice-chancellor of + the order! Here was an opportunity exceeding my wildest + dreams—to murder I could add insubordination and + treachery. It was what my good mother would have called 'a + special Providence.'</p> + + <p>"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup + of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular + cataract of bliss. Three men, strangers in that locality, were + arrested for the stage robbery in which I had lost my money and + watch. They were brought to trial and, despite my efforts to + clear them and fasten the guilt upon three of the most + respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock, convicted on the + clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton and + reasonless as I could wish.</p> + + <p>"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going + over to my uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, + his wife, if he were at home, adding that I had come to kill + him. My aunt replied with her peculiar smile that so many + gentleman called on that errand and were afterward carried away + without having performed it that I must excuse her for doubting + my good faith in the matter. She said I did not look as if I + would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith I leveled my + rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing the + house. She said she knew whole families that could do a thing + of that kind, but Bill Ridley was a horse of another color. She + said, however, that I would find him over on the other side of + the creek in the sheep lot; and she added that she hoped the + best man would win.</p> + + <p>"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I + have ever met.</p> + + <p>"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a + sheep. Seeing that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had + not the heart to shoot him, so I approached him, greeted him + pleasantly and struck him a powerful blow on the head with the + butt of my rifle. I have a very good delivery and Uncle William + lay down on his side, then rolled over on his back, spread out + his fingers and shivered. Before he could recover the use of + his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using and cut his + hamstrings. You know, doubtless, that when you sever the + <i>tendo Achillis</i> the patient has no further use of his + leg; it is just the same as if he had no leg. Well, I parted + them both, and when he revived he was at my service. As soon as + he comprehended the situation, he said:</p> + + <p>"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be + generous. I have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that + you carry me to the house and finish me in the bosom of my + family.'</p> + + <p>"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I + would do so if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he + would be easier to carry that way and if we were seen by the + neighbors <i>en route</i> it would cause less remark. He agreed + to that, and going to the barn I got a sack. This, however, did + not fit him; it was too short and much wider than he; so I bent + his legs, forced his knees up against his breast and got him + into it that way, tying the sack above his head. He was a heavy + man and I had all that I could do to get him on my back, but I + staggered along for some distance until I came to a swing that + some of the children had suspended to the branch of an oak. + Here I laid him down and sat upon him to rest, and the sight of + the rope gave me a happy inspiration. In twenty minutes my + uncle, still in the sack, swung free to the sport of the + wind.</p> + + <p>"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the + mouth of the bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled + him up about five feet from the ground. Fastening the other end + of the rope also about the mouth of the sack, I had the + satisfaction to see my uncle converted into a large, fine + pendulum. I must add that he was not himself entirely aware of + the nature of the change that he had undergone in his relation + to the exterior world, though in justice to a good man's memory + I ought to say that I do not think he would in any case have + wasted much of my time in vain remonstrance.</p> + + <p>"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region + as a fighter. It was in a state of chronic constitutional + indignation. Some deep disappointment in early life had soured + its disposition and it had declared war upon the whole world. + To say that it would butt anything accessible is but faintly to + express the nature and scope of its military activity: the + universe was its antagonist; its methods that of a projectile. + It fought like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving the + atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and + descending upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence + to make the most of its velocity and weight. Its momentum, + calculated in foot-tons, was something incredible. It had been + seen to destroy a four year old bull by a single impact upon + that animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had ever been + known to resist its downward swoop; there were no trees tough + enough to stay it; it would splinter them into matchwood and + defile their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible and + implacable brute—this incarnate thunderbolt—this + monster of the upper deep, I had seen reposing in the shade of + an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest and glory. It was + with a view to summoning it forth to the field of honor that I + suspended its master in the manner described.</p> + + <p>"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the + avuncular pendulum a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover + behind a contiguous rock, lifted up my voice in a long rasping + cry whose diminishing final note was drowned in a noise like + that of a swearing cat, which emanated from the sack. Instantly + that formidable sheep was upon its feet and had taken in the + military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had + approached, stamping, to within fifty yards of the swinging + foeman, who, now retreating and anon advancing, seemed to + invite the fray. Suddenly I saw the beast's head drop earthward + as if depressed by the weight of its enormous horns; then a + dim, white, wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself from that + spot in a generally horizontal direction to within about four + yards of a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck + sharply upward, and before it had faded from my gaze at the + place whence it had set out I heard a horrid thump and a + piercing scream, and my poor uncle shot forward, with a slack + rope higher than the limb to which he was attached. Here the + rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and back he + swung in a breathless curve to the other end of his arc. The + ram had fallen, a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and + horns, but pulling itself together and dodging as its + antagonist swept downward it retired at random, alternately + shaking its head and stamping its fore-feet. When it had backed + about the same distance as that from which it had delivered the + assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in prayer for + victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before—a + prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with + a sharp ascension. Its course this time was at a right angle to + its former one, and its impatience so great that it struck the + enemy before he had nearly reached the lowest point of his arc. + In consequence he went flying round and round in a horizontal + circle whose radius was about equal to half the length of the + rope, which I forgot to say was nearly twenty feet long. His + shrieks, <i>crescendo</i> in approach and <i>diminuendo</i> in + recession, made the rapidity of his revolution more obvious to + the ear than to the eye. He had evidently not yet been struck + in a vital spot. His posture in the sack and the distance from + the ground at which he hung compelled the ram to operate upon + his lower extremities and the end of his back. Like a plant + that has struck its root into some poisonous mineral, my poor + uncle was dying slowly upward.</p> + + <p>"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again + retired. The fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain + was intoxicated with the wine of strife. Like a pugilist who in + his rage forgets his skill and fights ineffectively at + half-arm's length, the angry beast endeavored to reach its + fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he passed overhead, + sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly, but more + frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as + the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in + scope and diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the + ground, these tactics produced better results, eliciting a + superior quality of screams, which I greatly enjoyed.</p> + + <p>"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram + suspended hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling + and smoothing its great aquiline nose, and occasionally + cropping a bunch of grass and slowly munching it. It seemed to + have tired of war's alarms and resolved to beat the sword into + a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. Steadily it held + its course away from the field of fame until it had gained a + distance of nearly a quarter of a mile. There it stopped and + stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently + half asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of + its head, as if its apathy were more affected than real.</p> + + <p>"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his + motion, and nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and + at long intervals my name, uttered in pleading tones + exceedingly grateful to my ear. Evidently the man had not the + faintest notion of what was being done to him, and was + inexpressibly terrified. When Death comes cloaked in mystery he + is terrible indeed. Little by little my uncle's oscillations + diminished, and finally he hung motionless. I went to him and + was about to give him the <i>coup de grâce</i>, when I heard + and felt a succession of smart shocks which shook the ground + like a series of light earthquakes, and turning in the + direction of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust approaching me + with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect! At a distance + of some thirty yards away it stopped short, and from the near + end of it rose into the air what I at first thought a great + white bird. Its ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that + I could not realize its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in + admiration of its grace. To this day the impression remains + that it was a slow, deliberate movement, the ram—for it + was that animal—being upborne by some power other than + its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages of + its flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes followed + its progress through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all the + greater by contrast with my former terror of its approach by + land. Onward and upward the noble animal sailed, its head bent + down almost between its knees, its fore-feet thrown back, its + hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of a soaring + heron.</p> + + <p>"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection + presents it to view, it attained its zenith and appeared to + remain an instant stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward + without altering the relative position of its parts, it shot + downward on a steeper and steeper course with augmenting + velocity, passed immediately above me with a noise like the + rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle almost squarely + on the top of the head! So frightful was the impact that not + only the man's neck was broken, but the rope too; and the body + of the deceased, forced against the earth, was crushed to pulp + beneath the awful front of that meteoric sheep! The concussion + stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand and Dutch Dan's, and + Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in matters + seismic, who happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained + that the vibrations were from north to southwest.</p> + + <p>"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of + artistic atrocity my murder of Uncle William has seldom been + excelled."</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="OIL_OF_DOG" id="OIL_OF_DOG"></a>OIL OF DOG</h2> + + <p>My name is Boffer Bings. I was born of honest parents in one + of the humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of + dog-oil and my mother having a small studio in the shadow of + the village church, where she disposed of unwelcome babes. In + my boyhood I was trained to habits of industry; I not only + assisted my father in procuring dogs for his vats, but was + frequently employed by my mother to carry away the debris of + her work in the studio. In performance of this duty I sometimes + had need of all my natural intelligence for all the law + officers of the vicinity were opposed to my mother's business. + They were not elected on an opposition ticket, and the matter + had never been made a political issue; it just happened so. My + father's business of making dog-oil was, naturally, less + unpopular, though the owners of missing dogs sometimes regarded + him with suspicion, which was reflected, to some extent, upon + me. My father had, as silent partners, all the physicians of + the town, who seldom wrote a prescription which did not contain + what they were pleased to designate as <i>Ol. can</i>. It is + really the most valuable medicine ever discovered. But most + persons are unwilling to make personal sacrifices for the + afflicted, and it was evident that many of the fattest dogs in + town had been forbidden to play with me—a fact which + pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near + driving me to become a pirate.</p> + + <p>Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, + that by indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I + was the author of misfortunes profoundly affecting my + future.</p> + + <p>One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the + body of a foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable + who seemed to be closely watching my movements. Young as I was, + I had learned that a constable's acts, of whatever apparent + character, are prompted by the most reprehensible motives, and + I avoided him by dodging into the oilery by a side door which + happened to stand ajar. I locked it at once and was alone with + my dead. My father had retired for the night. The only light in + the place came from the furnace, which glowed a deep, rich + crimson under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on the + walls. Within the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent + ebullition, occasionally pushing to the surface a piece of dog. + Seating myself to wait for the constable to go away, I held the + naked body of the foundling in my lap and tenderly stroked its + short, silken hair. Ah, how beautiful it was! Even at that + early age I was passionately fond of children, and as I looked + upon this cherub I could almost find it in my heart to wish + that the small, red wound upon its breast—the work of my + dear mother—had not been mortal.</p> + + <p>It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river + which nature had thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but + that night I did not dare to leave the oilery for fear of the + constable. "After all," I said to myself, "it cannot greatly + matter if I put it into this cauldron. My father will never + know the bones from those of a puppy, and the few deaths which + may result from administering another kind of oil for the + incomparable <i>ol. can</i>. are not important in a population + which increases so rapidly." In short, I took the first step in + crime and brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into + the cauldron.</p> + + <p>The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing + his hands with satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he + had obtained the finest quality of oil that was ever seen; that + the physicians to whom he had shown samples had so pronounced + it. He added that he had no knowledge as to how the result was + obtained; the dogs had been treated in all respects as usual, + and were of an ordinary breed. I deemed it my duty to + explain—which I did, though palsied would have been my + tongue if I could have foreseen the consequences. Bewailing + their previous ignorance of the advantages of combining their + industries, my parents at once took measures to repair the + error. My mother removed her studio to a wing of the factory + building and my duties in connection with the business ceased; + I was no longer required to dispose of the bodies of the small + superfluous, and there was no need of alluring dogs to their + doom, for my father discarded them altogether, though they + still had an honorable place in the name of the oil. So + suddenly thrown into idleness, I might naturally have been + expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did not. The + holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect + me from the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a + deacon in a church. Alas, that through my fault these estimable + persons should have come to so bad an end!</p> + + <p>Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now + devoted herself to it with a new assiduity. She removed not + only superfluous and unwelcome babes to order, but went out + into the highways and byways, gathering in children of a larger + growth, and even such adults as she could entice to the oilery. + My father, too, enamored of the superior quality of oil + produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and zeal. The + conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in short, + the one passion of their lives—an absorbing and + overwhelming greed took possession of their souls and served + them in place of a hope in Heaven—by which, also, they + were inspired.</p> + + <p>So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting + was held and resolutions passed severely censuring them. It was + intimated by the chairman that any further raids upon the + population would be met in a spirit of hostility. My poor + parents left the meeting broken-hearted, desperate and, I + believe, not altogether sane. Anyhow, I deemed it prudent not + to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside in + a stable.</p> + + <p>At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise + and peer through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew + my father now slept. The fires were burning as brightly as if + the following day's harvest had been expected to be abundant. + One of the large cauldrons was slowly "walloping" with a + mysterious appearance of self-restraint, as if it bided its + time to put forth its full energy. My father was not in bed; he + had risen in his nightclothes and was preparing a noose in a + strong cord. From the looks which he cast at the door of my + mother's bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in + mind. Speechless and motionless with terror, I could do nothing + in prevention or warning. Suddenly the door of my mother's + apartment was opened, noiselessly, and the two confronted each + other, both apparently surprised. The lady, also, was in her + night clothes, and she held in her right hand the tool of her + trade, a long, narrow-bladed dagger.</p> + + <p>She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit + which the unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had + left her. For one instant they looked into each other's blazing + eyes and then sprang together with indescribable fury. Round + and round the room they struggled, the man cursing, the woman + shrieking, both fighting like demons—she to strike him + with the dagger, he to strangle her with his great bare hands. + I know not how long I had the unhappiness to observe this + disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at last, + after a more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants + suddenly moved apart.</p> + + <p>My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences + of contact. For another instant they glared at each other in + the most unamiable way; then my poor, wounded father, feeling + the hand of death upon him, leaped forward, unmindful of + resistance, grasped my dear mother in his arms, dragged her to + the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his failing + energies, and sprang in with her! In a moment, both had + disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee + of citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to + the public meeting.</p> + + <p>Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every + avenue to an honorable career in that town, I removed to the + famous city of Otumwee, where these memoirs are written with a + heart full of remorse for a heedless act entailing so dismal a + commercial disaster.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="AN_IMPERFECT_CONFLAGRATION"></a>AN IMPERFECT + CONFLAGRATION</h2> + + <p>Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father—an + act which made a deep impression on me at the time. This was + before my marriage, while I was living with my parents in + Wisconsin. My father and I were in the library of our home, + dividing the proceeds of a burglary which we had committed that + night. These consisted of household goods mostly, and the task + of equitable division was difficult. We got on very well with + the napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware was + parted pretty nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that + when you try to divide a single music-box by two without a + remainder you will have trouble. It was that music-box which + brought disaster and disgrace upon our family. If we had left + it my poor father might now be alive.</p> + + <p>It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of + workmanship—inlaid with costly woods and carven very + curiously. It would not only play a great variety of tunes, but + would whistle like a quail, bark like a dog, crow every morning + at daylight whether it was wound up or not, and break the Ten + Commandments. It was this last mentioned accomplishment that + won my father's heart and caused him to commit the only + dishonorable act of his life, though possibly he would have + committed more if he had been spared: he tried to conceal that + music-box from me, and declared upon his honor that he had not + taken it, though I knew very well that, so far as he was + concerned, the burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the + purpose of obtaining it.</p> + + <p>My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had + worn cloaks by way of disguise. He had solemnly assured me that + he did not take it. I knew that he did, and knew something of + which he was evidently ignorant; namely, that the box would + crow at daylight and betray him if I could prolong the division + of profits till that time. All occurred as I wished: as the + gaslight began to pale in the library and the shape of the + windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long + cock-a-doodle-doo came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak, + followed by a few bars of an aria from <i>Tannhauser</i>, + ending with a loud click. A small hand-axe, which we had used + to break into the unlucky house, lay between us on the table; I + picked it up. The old man seeing that further concealment was + useless took the box from under his cloak and set it on the + table. "Cut it in two if you prefer that plan," said he; "I + tried to save it from destruction."</p> + + <p>He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play + the concertina with expression and feeling.</p> + + <p>I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it + would be presumptuous in me to sit in judgment on my father. + But business is business, and with this axe I am going to + effect a dissolution of our partnership unless you will consent + in all future burglaries to wear a bell-punch."</p> + + <p>"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do + that; it would look like a confession of dishonesty. People + would say that you distrusted me."</p> + + <p>I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for + a moment I was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, + but a glance at the richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, + as I said, I removed the old man from this vale of tears. + Having done so, I was a trifle uneasy. Not only was he my + father—the author of my being—but the body would be + certainly discovered. It was now broad daylight and my mother + was likely to enter the library at any moment. Under the + circumstances, I thought it expedient to remove her also, which + I did. Then I paid off all the servants and discharged + them.</p> + + <p>That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what + I had done and asked his advice. It would be very painful to me + if the facts became publicly known. My conduct would be + generally condemned; the newspapers would bring it up against + me if ever I should run for office. The chief saw the force of + these considerations; he was himself an assassin of wide + experience. After consulting with the presiding judge of the + Court of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to conceal the + bodies in one of the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on the + house and burn it down. This I proceeded to do.</p> + + <p>In the library was a book-case which my father had recently + purchased of some cranky inventor and had not filled. It was in + shape and size something like the old-fashioned "wardrobes" + which one sees in bed-rooms without closets, but opened all the + way down, like a woman's night-dress. It had glass doors. I had + recently laid out my parents and they were now rigid enough to + stand erect; so I stood them in this book-case, from which I + had removed the shelves. I locked them in and tacked some + curtains over the glass doors. The inspector from the insurance + office passed a half-dozen times before the case without + suspicion.</p> + + <p>That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house + and started through the woods to town, two miles away, where I + managed to be found about the time the excitement was at its + height. With cries of apprehension for the fate of my parents, + I joined the rush and arrived at the fire some two hours after + I had kindled it. The whole town was there as I dashed up. The + house was entirely consumed, but in one end of the level bed of + glowing embers, bolt upright and uninjured, was that book-case! + The curtains had burned away, exposing the glass-doors, through + which the fierce, red light illuminated the interior. There + stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and at his + side the partner of his joys and sorrows. Not a hair of them + was singed, their clothing was intact. On their heads and + throats the injuries which in the accomplishment of my designs + I had been compelled to inflict were conspicuous. As in the + presence of a miracle, the people were silent; awe and terror + had stilled every tongue. I was myself greatly affected.</p> + + <p>Some three years later, when the events herein related had + nearly faded from my memory, I went to New York to assist in + passing some counterfeit United States bonds. Carelessly + looking into a furniture store one day, I saw the exact + counterpart of that book-case. "I bought it for a trifle from a + reformed inventor," the dealer explained. "He said it was + fireproof, the pores of the wood being filled with alum under + hydraulic pressure and the glass made of asbestos. I don't + suppose it is really fireproof—you can have it at the + price of an ordinary book-case."</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't + take it"—and I bade him good morning.</p> + + <p>I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories + that were exceedingly disagreeable.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_HYPNOTIST" id="THE_HYPNOTIST"></a>THE HYPNOTIST</h2> + + <p>By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes + amuse myself with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred + phenomena, I am frequently asked if I have a clear conception + of the nature of whatever principle underlies them. To this + question I always reply that I neither have nor desire to have. + I am no investigator with an ear at the key-hole of Nature's + workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity to steal the secrets of + her trade. The interests of science are as little to me as mine + seem to have been to science.</p> + + <p>Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and + in no way transcend our powers of comprehension if only we + could find the clew; but for my part I prefer not to find it, + for I am of a singularly romantic disposition, deriving more + gratification from mystery than from knowledge. It was commonly + remarked of me when I was a child that my big blue eyes + appeared to have been made rather to look into than look out + of—such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent + periods of abstraction, their indifference to what was going + on. In those peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, + the soul which lies behind them, always more intent upon some + lovely conception which it has created in its own image than + concerned about the laws of nature and the material frame of + things. All this, irrelevant and egotistic as it may seem, is + related by way of accounting for the meagreness of the light + that I am able to throw upon a subject that has engaged so much + of my attention, and concerning which there is so keen and + general a curiosity. With my powers and opportunities, another + person might doubtless have an explanation for much of what I + present simply as narrative.</p> + + <p>My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to + me in my fourteenth year, when at school. Happening one day to + have forgotten to bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly + at that of a small girl who was preparing to eat hers. Looking + up, her eyes met mine and she seemed unable to withdraw them. + After a moment of hesitancy she came forward in an absent kind + of way and without a word surrendered her little basket with + its tempting contents and walked away. Inexpressibly pleased, I + relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket. After that I had + not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that little + girl was my daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying + my simple need from her frugal store I combined pleasure and + profit by constraining her attendance at the feast and making + misleading proffer of the viands, which eventually I consumed + to the last fragment. The girl was always persuaded that she + had eaten all herself; and later in the day her tearful + complaints of hunger surprised the teacher, entertained the + pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and filled + me with a peace past understanding.</p> + + <p>A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory + condition of things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of + the luncheon, for example, had to be made at some distance from + the madding crowd, in a wood; and I blush to think of the many + other unworthy subterfuges entailed by the situation. As I was + (and am) naturally of a frank and open disposition, these + became more and more irksome, and but for the reluctance of my + parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new + <i>régime</i> I would gladly have reverted to the old. The plan + that I finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of + my own powers excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and + that part of it which consisted in the death of the girl was + severely condemned, but it is hardly pertinent to the scope of + this narrative.</p> + + <p>For some years afterward I had little opportunity to + practice hypnotism; such small essays as I made at it were + commonly barren of other recognition than solitary confinement + on a bread-and-water diet; sometimes, indeed, they elicited + nothing better than the cat-o'-nine-tails. It was when I was + about to leave the scene of these small disappointments that my + one really important feat was performed.</p> + + <p>I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit + of civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great + deal of advice, which I am bound to confess was of a much + better quality than the clothing. As I was passing out of the + gate into the light of freedom I suddenly turned and looking + the warden gravely in the eye, soon had him in control.</p> + + <p>"You are an ostrich," I said.</p> + + <p>At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to + contain a great quantity of indigestible articles mostly of + wood or metal. Stuck fast in the œsophagus and + constituting, according to the Coroner's jury, the immediate + cause of death, one door-knob.</p> + + <p>I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took + my way into the great world from which I had been so long + secluded I could not help remembering that all my misfortunes + had flowed like a stream from the niggard economy of my parents + in the matter of school luncheons; and I knew of no reason to + think they had reformed.</p> + + <p>On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a + little open field which once contained a shanty known as Pete + Gilstrap's Place, where that gentleman used to murder travelers + for a living. The death of Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of + nearly all the travel to another road occurred so nearly at the + same time that no one has ever been able to say which was cause + and which effect. Anyhow, the field was now a desolation and + the Place had long been burned. It was while going afoot to + South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found both my + parents on their way to the Hill. They had hitched their team + and were eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the + field. The sight of the luncheon called up painful memories of + my school days and roused the sleeping lion in my breast. + Approaching the guilty couple, who at once recognized me, I + ventured to suggest that I share their hospitality.</p> + + <p>"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with + characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is + sufficient for but two. I am not, I hope, insensible to the + hunger-light in your eyes, but—"</p> + + <p>My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook + for hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist. + In a few seconds he was at my service. A few more sufficed for + the lady, and the dictates of a just resentment could be + carried into effect. "My former father," I said, "I presume + that it is known to you that you and this lady are no longer + what you were?"</p> + + <p>"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather + dubious reply of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable + to age."</p> + + <p>"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to + character—to species. You and the lady here are, in + truth, two <i>broncos</i>—wild stallions both, and + unfriendly."</p> + + <p>"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to + say that I am—"</p> + + <p>"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon + hers, "you are."</p> + + <p>Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped + upon her hands and knees, and backing up to the old man + squealed like a demon and delivered a vicious kick upon his + shin! An instant later he was himself down on all-fours, headed + away from her and flinging his feet at her simultaneously and + successively. With equal earnestness but inferior agility, + because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her own. Their + flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering way; + their feet sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies + thrust forward, falling flat upon the ground and for a moment + helpless. On recovering themselves they would resume the + combat, uttering their frenzy in the nameless sounds of the + furious brutes which they believed themselves to be—the + whole region rang with their clamor! Round and round they + wheeled, the blows of their feet falling "like lightnings from + the mountain cloud." They plunged and reared backward upon + their knees, struck savagely at each other with awkward + descending blows of both fists at once, and dropped again upon + their hands as if unable to maintain the upright position of + the body. Grass and pebbles were torn from the soil by hands + and feet; clothing, hair, faces inexpressibly defiled with dust + and blood. Wild, inarticulate screams of rage attested the + delivery of the blows; groans, grunts and gasps their receipt. + Nothing more truly military was ever seen at Gettysburg or + Waterloo: the valor of my dear parents in the hour of danger + can never cease to be to me a source of pride and + gratification. At the end of it all two battered, tattered, + bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality attested the + solemn fact that the author of the strife was an orphan.</p> + + <p>Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and + have ever since been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and + Continuances whence, after fifteen years of proceedings, my + attorney is moving heaven and earth to get the case taken to + the Court of Remandment for New Trials.</p> + + <p>Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious + force or agency known as hypnotic suggestion. Whether or not it + could be employed by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am + unable to say.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap03"></a>THE FOURTH ESTATE</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="MR_MASTHEAD_JOURNALIST"></a>MR. MASTHEAD, + JOURNALIST</h2> + + <p>While I was in Kansas I purchased a weekly + newspaper—the <i>Claybank Thundergust of Reform</i>. This + paper had never paid its expenses; it had ruined four + consecutive publishers; but my brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson + Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to run for the Legislature, + and I naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to + have an organ in Claybank to assist in his political + extinction. When the establishment came into my hands, the + editor was a fellow who had "opinions," and him I at once + discharged with an admonition. I had some difficulty in + procuring a successor; every man in the county applied for the + place. I could not appoint one without having to fight a + majority of the others, and was eventually compelled to write + to a friend at Warm Springs, in the adjoining State of + Missouri, to send me an editor from abroad whose instalment at + the helm of manifest destiny could have no local + significance.</p> + + <p>The man he sent me was a frowsy, seedy fellow, named + Masthead—not larger, apparently, than a boy of sixteen + years, though it was difficult to say from the outside how much + of him was editor and how much cast-off clothing; for in the + matter of apparel he had acted upon his favorite professional + maxim, and "sunk the individual;" his attire—eminently + eclectic, and in a sense international—quite overcame him + at all points. However, as my friend had assured me he was "a + graduate of one of the largest institutions in his native + State," I took him in and bought a pen for him. My instructions + to him were brief and simple.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Masthead," said I, "it is the policy of the + <i>Thundergust</i> first, last, and all the time, in this world + and the next, to resent the intrusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril + into politics."</p> + + <p>The first thing the little rascal did was to write a + withering leader denouncing Mr. Scandril as a "demagogue, the + degradation of whose political opinions was only equaled by the + disgustfulness of the family connections of which those + opinions were the spawn!"</p> + + <p>I hastened to point out to Mr. Masthead that it had never + been the policy of the <i>Thundergust</i> to attack the family + relations of an offensive candidate, although this was not + strictly true.</p> + + <p>"I am very sorry," he replied, running his head up out of + his clothes till it towered as much as six inches above the + table at which he sat; "no offense, I hope."</p> + + <p>"Oh, none in the world," said I, as carelessly as I could + manage it; "only I don't think it a legitimate—that is, + an effective, method of attack."</p> + + <p>"Mr. Johnson," said he—I was passing as Johnson at + that time, I remember—"Mr. Johnson, I think it <i>is</i> + an effective method. Personally I might perhaps prefer another + line of argument in this particular case, and personally + perhaps you might; but in our profession personal + considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we + must sink the individual. In opposing the election of your + relative, sir, you have set the seal of your heavy displeasure + upon the sin of nepotism, and for this I respect you; nepotism + must be got under! But in the display of Roman virtues, sir, we + must go the whole hog. When in the interest of public + morality"—Mr. Masthead was now gesticulating earnestly + with the sleeves of his coat—"Virginius stabbed his + daughter, was he influenced by personal considerations? When + Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf, did he not sink the + individual?"</p> + + <p>I admitted that he did, but feeling in a contentious mood, + prolonged the discussion by leisurely loading and capping a + revolver; but, prescient of my argument, Mr. Masthead avoided + refutation by hastily adjourning the debate. I sent him a note + that evening, filling-in a few of the details of the policy + that I had before sketched in outline. Amongst other things I + submitted that it would be better for us to exalt Mr. + Scandril's opponent than to degrade himself. To this Mr. + Masthead reluctantly assented—"sinking the individual," + he reproachfully explained, "in the dependent + employee—the powerless bondsman!" The next issue of the + <i>Thundergust</i> contained, under the heading, "Invigorating + Zephyrs," the following editorial article:</p> + + <p>"Last week we declared our unalterable opposition to the + candidacy of Mr. Jefferson Scandril, and gave reasons for the + faith that is in us. For the first time in its history this + paper made a clear, thoughtful, and adequate avowal and + exposition of eternal principle! Abandoning for the present the + stand we then took, let us trace the antecedents of Mr. + Scandril's opponent up to their source. It has been urged + against Mr. Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the + lunatic asylum at Warm Springs, in the adjoining commonwealth + of Missouri. This cuckoo cry—raised though it is by dogs + of political darkness—we shall not stoop to controvert, + for it is accidentally true; but next week we shall show, as by + the stroke of an enchanter's wand, that this great statesman's + detractors would probably not derive any benefits from a + residence in the same institution, their mental aberration + being rottenly incurable!"</p> + + <p>I thought this rather strong and not quite to the point; but + Masthead said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very + little known in Claybank, had "served a term" in the Warm + Springs asylum, and the issue must be boldly met—that + evasion and denial were but forms of prostration beneath the + iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he seemed to inflate and + expand so as almost to fill his clothes, and the fire of his + eye somehow burned into me an impression—since + effaced—that a just cause is not imperiled by a trifling + concession to fact. So, leaving the matter quite in my editor's + hands I went away to keep some important engagements, the + paragraph having involved me in several duels with the friends + of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather hard that I should have to + defend my new editor's policy against the supporters of my own + candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the right and they + knew nothing whatever about the matter in dispute, not one of + them having ever before so much as heard of the now famous Warm + Springs asylum. But I would not shirk even the humblest + journalistic duty; I fought these fellows and acquitted myself + as became a man of letters and a politician. The hurts I got + were some time healing, and in the interval every prominent + member of my party who came to Claybank to speak to the people + regarded it as a simple duty to call first at my house, make a + tender inquiry as to the progress of my recovery and leave a + challenge. My physician forbade me to read a line of anything; + the consequence was that Masthead had it all his own way with + the paper. In looking over the old files now, I find that he + devoted his entire talent and all the space of the paper, + including what had been the advertising columns, to confessing + that our candidate had been an inmate of a lunatic asylum, and + contemptuously asking the opposing party what they were going + to do about it.</p> + + <p>All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the + challenges became intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. + Masthead to whip round to the other side and support my + brother-in-law. Masthead "sank the individual," and duly + announced, with his accustomed frankness, our change of policy. + Then Mr. Broskin came down to Claybank—to thank me! He + was a fine, respectable-looking gentleman, and impressed me + very favorably. But Masthead was in when he called, and the + effect upon <i>him</i> was different. He shrank into a mere + heap of old clothes, turned white, and chattered his teeth. + Noting this extraordinary behavior, I at once sought an + explanation.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Broskin," said I, with a meaning glance at the + trembling editor, "from certain indications I am led to fear + that owing to some mistake we may have been doing you an + injustice. May I ask you if you were really ever in the Lunatic + asylum at Warm Springs, Missouri?"</p> + + <p>"For three years," he replied, quietly, "I was the physician + in charge of that institution. Your son"—turning to + Masthead, who was flying all sorts of colors—"was, if I + mistake not, one of my patients. I learn that a few weeks ago a + friend of yours, named Norton, secured the young man's release + upon your promise to take care of him yourself in future. I + hope that home associations have improved the poor fellow. It's + very sad!"</p> + + <p>It was indeed. Norton was the name of the man to whom I had + written for an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever + an obliging fellow.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="WHY_I_AM_NOT_EDITING_THE_STINGER"></a>WHY I AM NOT + EDITING "THE STINGER"</h2> + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 9 A.M.</p> + + <p>A man has called to ask "who wrote that article about Mr. + Muskler." I told him to find out, and he says that is what he + means to do. He has consented to amuse himself with the + exchanges while I ask you. I don't approve the article.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor</i>.</p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 10 A.M.</p> + + <p>Do you happen to remember how Dacier translates <i>Difficile + est proprie communia dicere</i>? I've made a note of it + somewhere, but can't find it. If you remember please leave a + memorandum of it on your table, and I'll get it when I come + down this afternoon.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered + about that fellow Muskler.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 11:30 A.M.</p> + + <p>I can't be impolite to a stranger, you know; I must tell him + <i>somebody</i> wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is + drumming on the floor with the end of his stick; I fear the + people in the shop below won't like it. Besides, the foreman + says it disturbs the compositors in the next room. Suppose you + come down.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 1 P.M.</p> + + <p>I have found the note I made of that translation, but it is + in French and I can't make it out. Try the man with the + dictionary and the "Books of Dates." They ought to last him + till it's time to close the office. I shall be down early + to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p>P.S.—How big is he? Suggest a civil suit for + libel.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've offered + him the dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is + sitting on my table. Come at once!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 5 P.M.</p> + + <p>I don't think I shall. I am doing an article for this week + on "The Present Aspect of the Political Horizon." Expect me + <i>very</i> early to-morrow. You had better turn the man out + and shut up the office.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 8 A.M.</p> + + <p>Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend, the large + gentleman who was with him all day yesterday, is here again. He + seems very desirous of seeing you, and says he will wait. + Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought I would tell you he was + here, so that you might hasten down.</p> + + <p>Ought I to allow dogs in the office? The gentleman has a + bull-dog.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 9.30 A.M.</p> + + <p>Certainly <i>not;</i> dogs have fleas. The man is an + impostor. Oblige me by turning him out. I shall come down this + afternoon—<i>early</i>.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with + him!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 12 M.</p> + + <p>The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you mind coming down + and reasoning with him? I have a wife and five children + depending on me, and when I lose my temper I am likely to go + too far. I would prefer that <i>you</i> should turn him + out.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 2 P.M.</p> + + <p>Do you suppose I can leave my private correspondence to + preserve you from the intrusion and importunities of beggars? + Put the scoundrel out at once—neck and heels! I know him; + he's Muskler—don't you remember? Muskler, the coward, who + assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole circumstances + related in last Saturday's issue. Out with him—the + unmanly sneak!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday Evening.</p> + + <p>I have told him to go, and he laughed. So did the bull-dog. + But he is going. He is now making a bed for the pup in one + corner of your room, with some rugs and old newspapers, and + appears to be about to go to dinner. I have given him your + address. The foreman wants some copy to go on with. I beg you + will come at once if I am to be left alone with that dog.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, + Bookkeeper.</i></p> + + <p class="address">40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 10 A.M.</p> + + <p>I should have come down to the office last evening, but you + see I have been moving. My landlady was too filthy dirty for + anything! I stood it as long as I could; then I left. I'm + coming directly I get your answer to this; but I want to know, + first, if my blotter has been changed and my ink-well refilled. + This house is a good way out, but the boy can take the car at + the corner of Cobble and Slush streets.</p> + + <p>O!—about that <i>man</i>? Of course you have not seen + him since.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>William Quoin, Foreman, to Peter Pitchin, + Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Wednesday, 12 M.</p> + + <p>I've got your note to Inxling; he ain't come down this + morning. I haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys are + all throwing in dead ads. There's a man and a dog in the + proprietor's office; I don't believe they ought to be there, + all alone, but they were here all Monday and yesterday, and may + be connected with the business management of the paper; so I + don't like to order them out. Perhaps you will come down and + speak to them. We shall have to go away if you don't send + copy.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor, to William Quoin, + Foreman.</i></p> + + <p class="address">40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>Your note astonishes me. The man you describe is a notorious + thief. Get the compositors all together, and make a rush at + him. Don't try to keep him, but hustle him out of town, and + I'll be down as soon as I can get a button sewn on my + collar.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Give it him good!—don't mention my address + and he can't complain to me how you treat him. Bust his + bugle!</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter + Pitchin, Editor.</i></p> + + <p class="address">"STINGER" OFFICE, Friday, 2 P.M.</p> + + <p>Business has detained me from the office until now, and what + do I find? Not a soul about the place, no copy, not a stickful + of live matter on the galleys! There can be no paper this week. + What you have all done with yourselves I am sure I don't know; + one would suppose there had been smallpox about the place. You + will please come down and explain this Hegira at once—at + once, if you please!</p> + + <p>P.S.—That troublesome Muskler—you may remember + he dropped in on Monday to inquire about something or + other—has taken a sort of shop exactly opposite here, and + seems, at this distance, to be doing something to a shotgun. I + presume he is a gunsmith. So we are precious well rid of + <i>him</i>.</p> + + + <p class="sender"><i>Peter Pitchin, Editor to J. Munniglut, + Proprietor</i>.</p> + + <p class="address">PIER NO. 3, Friday Evening.</p> + + <p>Just a line or two to say I am suddenly called away to bury + my sick mother. When that is off my mind I'll write you what I + know about the Hegira, the Flight into Egypt, the Retreat of + the Ten Thousand, and whatever else you would like to learn. + There is nothing mean about <i>me!</i> I don't think there has + been any wilful desertion. You may engage an editor for, say, + fifty years, with the privilege of keeping him regularly, if, + at the end of that time, I should break my neck hastening + back.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I hope that poor fellow Muskier will make a fair + profit in the gunsmithing line. Jump him for an ad!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CORRUPTING_THE_PRESS"></a>CORRUPTING THE PRESS</h2> + + <p>When Joel Bird was up for Governor of Missouri, Sam Henly + was editing the Berrywood <i>Bugle</i>; and no sooner was the + nomination made by the State Convention than he came out hot + against the party. He was an able writer, was Sam, and the lies + he invented about our candidate were shocking! That, however, + we endured very well, but presently Sam turned squarely about + and began telling the truth. <i>This</i> was a little too much; + the County Committee held a hasty meeting, and decided that it + must be stopped; so I, Henry Barber, was sent for to make + arrangements to that end. I knew something of Sam: had + purchased him several times, and I estimated his present value + at about one thousand dollars. This seemed to the committee a + reasonable figure, and on my mentioning it to Sam he said "he + thought that about the fair thing; it should never be said that + the <i>Bugle</i> was a hard paper to deal with." There was, + however, some delay in raising the money; the candidates for + the local offices had not disposed of their autumn hogs yet, + and were in financial straits. Some of them contributed a pig + each, one gave twenty bushels of corn, another a flock of + chickens; and the man who aspired to the distinction of County + Judge paid his assessment with a wagon. These things had to be + converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the meantime + Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our + political camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his + hand; he invariably replied that it was no bargain until he had + the money. The committeemen were furious; it required all my + eloquence to prevent their declaring the contract null and + void; but at last a new, clean one thousand-dollar note was + passed over to me, which in hot haste I transferred to Sam at + his residence.</p> + + <p>That evening there was a meeting of the committee: all + seemed in high spirits again, except Hooker of Jayhawk. This + old wretch sat back and shook his head during the entire + session, and just before adjournment said, as he took his hat + to go, that p'r'aps'twas orl right and on the squar'; maybe + thar war'n't any shenannigan, but <i>he</i> war + dubersome—yes, he war dubersome. The old curmudgeon + repeated this until I was exasperated beyond restraint.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Hooker," said I, "I've known Sam Henly ever since he + was <i>so</i> high, and there isn't an honester man in old + Missouri. Sam Henly's word is as good as his note! What's more, + if any gentleman thinks he would enjoy a first-class funeral, + and if he will supply the sable accessories, I'll supply the + corpse. And he can take it home with him from this + meeting."</p> + + <p>At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving.</p> + + <p>Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next + day. When I stepped into the street I saw at once that + something was "up." There were knots of people gathered at the + corners, some reading eagerly that morning's issue of the + <i>Bugle</i>, some gesticulating, and others stalking moodily + about muttering curses, not loud but deep. Suddenly I heard an + excited clamor—a confused roar of many lungs, and the + trampling of innumerable feet. In this babel of noises I could + distinguish the words "Kill him!" "Wa'm his hide!" and so + forth; and, looking up the street, I saw what seemed to be the + whole male population racing down it. I am very excitable, and, + though I did not know whose hide was to be warmed, nor why + anyone was to be killed, I shot off in front of the howling + masses, shouting "Kill him!" and "Warm his hide!" as loudly as + the loudest, all the time looking out for the victim. Down the + street we flew like a storm; then I turned a corner, thinking + the scoundrel must have gone up <i>that</i> street; then bolted + through a public square; over a bridge; under an arch; finally + back into the main street; yelling like a panther, and resolved + to slaughter the first human being I should overtake. The crowd + followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as I shrieked, + and—all at once it came to me that <i>I</i> was the man + whose hide was to be warmed!</p> + + <p>It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery + gave me; happily I was within a few yards of the + committee-rooms, and into these I dashed, closing and bolting + the doors behind me, and mounting the stairs like a flash. The + committee was in solemn session, sitting in a nice, even row on + the front benches, each man with his elbows on his knees, and + his chin resting in the palms of his hands—thinking. At + each man's feet lay a neglected copy of the <i>Bugle</i>. Every + member fixed his eyes on me, but no one stirred, none uttered a + sound. There was something awful in this preternatural silence, + made more impressive by the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside, + breaking down the door. I could endure it no longer, but strode + forward and snatched up the paper lying at the feet of the + chairman. At the head of the editorial columns, in letters half + an inch long, were the following amazing head-lines:</p> + + <p>"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The + Vampires Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game! The Rat Gnaws a + File! The Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod Over a + Free People! Base Endeavor to Bribe the Editor of this Paper + with <i>a Twenty-Dollar Note</i>! The Money Given to the Orphan + Asylum."</p> + + <p>I read no farther, but stood stockstill in the center of the + floor, and fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it + seemed a mere trifle. Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did + not know there was so much money in the world. Twenty—no, + eighty—one thousand dollars! There were big, black + figures floating all over the floor. Incessant cataracts of + them poured down the walls, stopped, and shied off as I looked + at them, and began to go it again when I lowered my eyes. + Occasionally the figures 20 would take shape somewhere about + the floor, and then the figures 980 would slide up and overlay + them. Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's dream, they would + all march away and devour the fat naughts of the number 1,000. + And dancing like gnats in the air were myriads of little + caduceus-like, phantoms, thus—$$$$$. I could not at all + make it out, but began to comprehend my position directly Old + Hooker, without moving from his seat, began to drown the noise + of countless feet on the stairs by elevating his thin + falsetto:</p> + + <p>"P'r'aps, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mr. + Henly can't tell a lie; but I'm powerful dubersome that thar's + a balyance dyue this yer committee from the gent who hez the + flo'—if he ain't done gone laid it yout fo' sable + ac—ac—fo' fyirst-class funerals."</p> + + <p>I felt at that moment as if I should like to play the + leading character in a first-class funeral myself. I felt that + every man in my position ought to have a nice, comfortable + coffin, with a silver door-plate, a foot-warmer, and + bay-windows for his ears. How do you suppose you would have + felt?</p> + + <p>My leap from the window of that committee room, my speed in + streaking it for the adjacent forest, my self-denial in ever + afterward resisting the impulse to return to Berrywood and look + after my political and material interests there—these I + have always considered things to be justly proud of, and I hope + I am proud of them.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BUBBLE_REPUTATION"></a>"THE BUBBLE + REPUTATION"</h2> + + <h3>HOW ANOTHER MAN'S WAS SOUGHT AND PRICKED</h3> + + <p>It was a stormy night in the autumn of 1930. The hour was + about eleven. San Francisco lay in darkness, for the laborers + at the gas works had struck and destroyed the company's + property because a newspaper to which a cousin of the manager + was a subscriber had censured the course of a potato merchant + related by marriage to a member of the Knights of Leisure. + Electric lights had not at that period been reinvented. The sky + was filled with great masses of black cloud which, driven + rapidly across the star-fields by winds unfelt on the earth and + momentarily altering their fantastic forms, seemed instinct + with a life and activity of their own and endowed with awful + powers of evil, to the exercise of which they might at any time + set their malignant will.</p> + + <p>An observer standing, at this time, at the corner of + Paradise avenue and Great White Throne walk in Sorrel Hill + cemetery would have seen a human figure moving among the graves + toward the Superintendent's residence. Dimly and fitfully + visible in the intervals of thinner gloom, this figure had a + most uncanny and disquieting aspect. A long black cloak + shrouded it from neck to heel. Upon its head was a slouch hat, + pulled down across the forehead and almost concealing the face, + which was further hidden by a half-mask, only the beard being + occasionally visible as the head was lifted partly above the + collar of the cloak. The man wore upon his feet jack-boots + whose wide, funnel-shaped legs had settled down in many a fold + and crease about his ankles, as could be seen whenever accident + parted the bottom of the cloak. His arms were concealed, but + sometimes he stretched out the right to steady himself by a + headstone as he crept stealthily but blindly over the uneven + ground. At such times a close scrutiny of the hand would have + disclosed in the palm the hilt of a poniard, the blade of which + lay along the wrist, hidden in the sleeve. In short, the man's + garb, his movements, the hour—everything proclaimed him a + reporter.</p> + + <p>But what did he there?</p> + + <p>On the morning of that day the editor of the <i>Daily + Malefactor</i> had touched the button of a bell numbered 216 + and in response to the summons Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, + reporter, had been shot into the room out of an inclined + tube.</p> + + <p>"I understand," said the editor, "that you are 216—am + I right?"</p> + + <p>"That," said the reporter, catching his breath and adjusting + his clothing, both somewhat disordered by the celerity of his + flight through the tube,—"that is my number."</p> + + <p>"Information has reached us," continued the editor, "that + the Superintendent of the Sorrel Hill cemetery—one + Inhumio, whose very name suggests inhumanity—is guilty of + the grossest outrages in the administration of the great trust + confided to his hands by the sovereign people."</p> + + <p>"The cemetery is private property," faintly suggested + 216.</p> + + <p>"It is alleged," continued the great man, disdaining to + notice the interruption, "that in violation of popular rights + he refuses to permit his accounts to be inspected by + representatives of the press."</p> + + <p>"Under the law, you know, he is responsible to the directors + of the cemetery company," the reporter ventured to + interject.</p> + + <p>"They say," pursued the editor, heedless, "that the inmates + are in many cases badly lodged and insufficiently clad, and + that in consequence they are usually cold. It is asserted that + they are never fed—except to the worms. Statements have + been made to the effect that males and females are permitted to + occupy the same quarters, to the incalculable detriment of + public morality. Many clandestine villainies are alleged of + this fiend in human shape, and it is desirable that his + underground methods be unearthed in the <i>Malefactor</i>. If + he resists we will drag his family skeleton from the privacy of + his domestic closet. There is money in it for the paper, fame + for you—are you ambitious, 216?"</p> + + <p>"I am—bitious."</p> + + <p>"Go, then," cried the editor, rising and waving his hand + imperiously—"go and 'seek the bubble reputation'."</p> + + <p>"The bubble shall be sought," the young man replied, and + leaping into a man-hole in the floor, disappeared. A moment + later the editor, who after dismissing his subordinate, had + stood motionless, as if lost in thought, sprang suddenly to the + man-hole and shouted down it: "Hello, 216?"</p> + + <p>"Aye, aye, sir," came up a faint and far reply.</p> + + <p>"About that 'bubble reputation'—you understand, I + suppose, that the reputation which you are to seek is that of + the other man."</p> + + <p>In the execution of his duty, in the hope of his employer's + approval, in the costume of his profession, Mr. Longbo + Spittleworth, otherwise known as 216, has already occupied a + place in the mind's eye of the intelligent reader. Alas for + poor Mr. Inhumio!</p> + + <p>A few days after these events that fearless, independent and + enterprising guardian and guide of the public, the San + Francisco <i>Daily Malefactor</i>, contained a whole-page + article whose headlines are here presented with some necessary + typographical mitigation:</p> + + <p>"Hell Upon Earth! Corruption Rampant in the Management of + the Sorrel Hill Cemetery. The Sacred City of the Dead in the + Leprous Clutches of a Demon in Human Form. Fiendish Atrocities + Committed in 'God's Acre.' The Holy Dead Thrown around Loose. + Fragments of Mothers. Segregation of a Beautiful Young Lady Who + in Life Was the Light of a Happy Household. A Superintendent + Who Is an Ex-Convict. How He Murdered His Neighbor to Start the + Cemetery. He Buries His Own Dead Elsewhere. Extraordinary + Insolence to a Representative of the Public Press. Little + Eliza's Last Words: 'Mamma, Feed Me to the Pigs.' A Moonshiner + Who Runs an Illicit Bone-Button Factory in One Corner of the + Grounds. Buried Head Downward. Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies. + Dancing on the Dead. Devilish Mutilation—a Pile of Late + Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears. No Separation of the Sexes; + Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded. 'Veal' as Supplied to the + Superintendent's Employees. A Miscreant's Record from His + Birth. Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong + Indications of Collusion. Nameless Abnormalities. 'Doubled Up + Like a Nut-Cracker.' 'Wasn't Planted White.' Horribly + Significant Reduction in the Price of Lard. The Question of the + Hour: Whom Do You Fry Your Doughnuts In?"</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap04"></a>THE OCEAN WAVE</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION" id="A_SHIPWRECKOLLECTION"></a>A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION</h2> + + <p>As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and + not a bit nice, and she hoped I never, never <i>would</i> come + back. So I shipped as mate on the <i>Mudlark</i>, bound from + London to wherever the captain might think it expedient to + sail. It had not been thought advisable to hamper Captain + Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, + it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way + to make the voyage unprofitable. The owners of the + <i>Mudlark</i> had grown wise in their generation, and now let + him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying such cargoes as he + fancied to ports where the nicest women were. On the voyage of + which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would + only make the <i>Mudlark</i> heavy and slow. To hear this + mariner talk one would have supposed he did not know very much + about commerce.</p> + + <p>We had a few passengers—not nearly so many as we had + laid in basins and stewards for; for before coming off to the + ship most of those who had bought tickets would inquire whither + she was bound, and when not informed would go back to their + hotels and send a bandit on board to remove their baggage. But + there were enough left to be rather troublesome. They + cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when drunk, and + the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the + forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship's + compass. They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let + the big anchor go, just to hear it plunge in the water, + threatening in case of refusal to write to the newspapers. A + favorite amusement with them was to sit in the lee of the + bulwarks, relating their experiences in former + voyages—voyages distinguished in every instance by two + remarkable features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes + and the entire immunity of the narrator from seasickness. It + was very interesting to see them sitting in a row telling these + things, each man with a basin between his legs.</p> + + <p>One day there arose a great storm. The sea walked over the + ship as if it had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy + it all it could. The <i>Mudlark</i> labored very much—far + more, indeed, than the crew did; for these innocents had + discovered in possession of one of their number a pair of + leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play + cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had + owned them a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed + over to the winner that there was little but the seat + remaining, and that immortal part the captain finally kicked + overboard—not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly spirit, + but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of + trousers.</p> + + <p>The storm increased in violence until it succeeded in so + straining the <i>Mudlark</i> that she took in water like a + teetotaler; then it appeared to get relief directly. This may + be said in justice to a storm at sea: when it has broken off + your masts, pulled out your rudder, carried away your boats and + made a nice hole in some inaccessible part of your hull it will + often go away in search of a fresh ship, leaving you to take + such measures for your comfort as you may think fit. In our + case the captain thought fit to sit on the taffrail reading a + three-volume novel.</p> + + <p>Seeing he had got about half way through the second volume, + at which point the lovers would naturally be involved in the + most hopeless and heart-rending difficulties, I thought he + would be in a particularly cheerful humor, so I approached him + and informed him the ship was going down.</p> + + <p>"Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his + forefinger between the pages to mark his place, "she never + would be good for much after such a shaking-up as this. But, I + say—I wish you would just send the bo'sn for'd there to + break up that prayer-meeting. The <i>Mudlark</i> isn't a + seamen's chapel, I suppose."</p> + + <p>"But," I replied, impatiently, "can't something be done to + lighten the ship?"</p> + + <p>"Well," he drawled, reflectively, "seeing she hasn't any + masts left to cut away, nor any cargo to—stay, you might + throw over some of the heaviest of the passengers if you think + it would do any good."</p> + + <p>It was a happy thought—the intuition of genius. + Walking rapidly forward to the foc'sle, which, being highest + out of water, was crowded with passengers, I seized a stout old + gentleman by the nape of the neck, pushed him up to the rail, + and chucked him over. He did not touch the water: he fell on + the apex of a cone of sharks which sprang up from the sea to + meet him, their noses gathered to a point, their tails just + clearing the surface. I think it unlikely that the old + gentleman knew what disposition had been made of him. Next, I + hurled over a woman and flung a fat baby to the wild winds. The + former was sharked out of sight, the same as the old man; the + latter divided amongst the gulls.</p> + + <p>I am relating these things exactly as they occurred. It + would be very easy to make a fine story out of all this + material—to tell how that, while I was engaged in + lightening the ship, I was touched by the self-sacrificing + spirit of a beautiful young woman, who, to save the life of her + lover, pushed her aged mother forward to where I was operating, + imploring me to take the old lady, but spare, O, spare her dear + Henry. I might go on to set forth how that I not only did take + the old lady, as requested, but immediately seized dear Henry, + and sent him flying as far as I could to leeward, having first + broken his back across the rail and pulled a double-fistful of + his curly hair out. I might proceed to state that, feeling + appeased, I then stole the long boat and taking the beautiful + maiden pulled away from the ill-fated ship to the church of St. + Massaker, Fiji, where we were united by a knot which I + afterward untied with my teeth by eating her. But, in truth, + nothing of all this occurred, and I can not afford to be the + first writer to tell a lie just to interest the reader. What + really did occur is this: as I stood on the quarter-deck, + heaving over the passengers, one after another, Captain + Abersouth, having finished his novel, walked aft and quietly + hove <i>me</i> over.</p> + + <p>The sensations of a drowning man have been so often related + that I shall only briefly explain that memory at once displayed + her treasures: all the scenes of my eventful life crowded, + though without confusion or fighting, into my mind. I saw my + whole career spread out before me, like a map of Central Africa + since the discovery of the gorilla. There were the cradle in + which I had lain, as a child, stupefied with soothing syrups; + the perambulator, seated in which and propelled from behind, I + overthrew the schoolmaster, and in which my infantile spine + received its curvature; the nursery-maid, surrendering her lips + alternately to me and the gardener; the old home of my youth, + with the ivy and the mortgage on it; my eldest brother, who by + will succeeded to the family debts; my sister, who ran away + with the Count von Pretzel, coachman to a most respectable New + York family; my mother, standing in the attitude of a saint, + pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent + palpitators from Madame Fahertini's; my venerable father, + sitting in his chimney corner, his silvered head bowed upon his + breast, his withered hands crossed patiently in his lap, + waiting with Christian resignation for death, and drunk as a + lord—all this, and much more, came before my mind's eye, + and there was no charge for admission to the show. Then there + was a ringing sound in my ears, my senses swam better than I + could, and as I sank down, down, through fathomless depths, the + amber light falling through the water above my head failed and + darkened into blackness. Suddenly my feet struck something + firm—it was the bottom. Thank heaven, I was saved!</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_CAPTAIN_OF_THE_CAMEL"></a>THE CAPTAIN OF "THE + CAMEL"</h2> + + <p>This ship was named the <i>Camel</i>. In some ways she was + an extraordinary vessel. She measured six hundred tons; but + when she had taken in enough ballast to keep her from upsetting + like a shot duck, and was provisioned for a three months' + voyage, it was necessary to be mighty fastidious in the choice + of freight and passengers. For illustration, as she was about + to leave port a boat came alongside with two passengers, a man + and his wife. They had booked the day before, but had remained + ashore to get one more decent meal before committing themselves + to the "briny cheap," as the man called the ship's fare. The + woman came aboard, and the man was preparing to follow, when + the captain leaned over the side and saw him.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the captain, "what do <i>you</i> want?"</p> + + <p>"What do <i>I</i> want?" said the man, laying hold of the + ladder. "I'm a-going to embark in this here ship—that's + what I want."</p> + + <p>"Not with all that fat on you," roared the captain. "You + don't weigh an ounce less than eighteen stone, and I've got to + have in my anchor yet. You wouldn't have me leave the anchor, I + suppose?"</p> + + <p>The man said he did not care about the anchor—he was + just as God had made him (he looked as if his cook had had + something to do with it) and, sink or swim, he purposed + embarking in that ship. A good deal of wrangling ensued, but + one of the sailors finally threw the man a cork life-preserver, + and the captain said that would lighten him and he might come + abroad.</p> + + <p>This was Captain Abersouth, formerly of the + <i>Mudlark</i>—as good a seaman as ever sat on the + taffrail reading a three volume novel. Nothing could equal this + man's passion for literature. For every voyage he laid in so + many bales of novels that there was no stowage for the cargo. + There were novels in the hold, and novels between-decks, and + novels in the saloon, and in the passengers' beds.</p> + + <p>The <i>Camel</i> had been designed and built by her owner, + an architect in the City, and she looked about as much like a + ship as Noah's Ark did. She had bay windows and a veranda; a + cornice and doors at the water-line. These doors had knockers + and servant's bells. There had been a futile attempt at an + area. The passenger saloon was on the upper deck, and had a + tile roof. To this humplike structure the ship owed her name. + Her designer had erected several churches—that of St. + Ignotus is still used as a brewery in Hotbath + Meadows—and, possessed of the ecclesiastic idea, had + given the <i>Camel</i> a transept; but, finding this impeded + her passage through the water, he had it removed. This weakened + the vessel amidships. The mainmast was something like a + steeple. It had a weathercock. From this spire the eye + commanded one of the finest views in England.</p> + + <p>Such was the <i>Camel</i> when I joined her in 1864 for a + voyage of discovery to the South Pole. The expedition was under + the "auspices" of the Royal Society for the Promotion of Fair + Play. At a meeting of this excellent association, it had been + "resolved" that the partiality of science for the North Pole + was an invidious distinction between two objects equally + meritorious; that Nature had marked her disapproval of it in + the case of Sir John Franklin and many of his imitators; that + it served them very well right; that this enterprise should be + undertaken as a protest against the spirit of undue bias; and, + finally, that no part of the responsibility or expense should + devolve upon the society in its corporate character, but any + individual member might contribute to the fund if he were fool + enough. It is only common justice to say that none of them was. + The <i>Camel</i> merely parted her cable one day while I + happened to be on board—drifted out of the harbor + southward, followed by the execrations of all who knew her, and + could not get back. In two months she had crossed the equator, + and the heat began to grow insupportable.</p> + + <p>Suddenly we were becalmed. There had been a fine breeze up + to three o'clock in the afternoon and the ship had made as much + as two knots an hour when without a word of warning the sails + began to belly the wrong way, owing to the impetus that the + ship had acquired; and then, as this expired, they hung as limp + and lifeless as the skirts of a clawhammer coat. The + <i>Camel</i> not only stood stock still but moved a little + backward toward England. Old Ben the boatswain said that he'd + never knowed but one deader calm, and that, he explained, was + when Preacher Jack, the reformed sailor, had got excited in a + sermon in a seaman's chapel and shouted that the Archangel + Michael would chuck the Dragon into the brig and give him a + taste of the rope's-end, damn his eyes!</p> + + <p>We lay in this woful state for the better part of a year, + when, growing impatient, the crew deputed me to look up the + captain and see if something could not be done about it. I + found him in a remote cobwebby corner between-decks, with a + book in his hand. On one side of him, the cords newly cut, were + three bales of "Ouida"; on the other a mountain of Miss M.E. + Braddon towered above his head. He had finished "Ouida" and was + tackling Miss Braddon. He was greatly changed.</p> + + <p>"Captain Abersouth," said I, rising on tiptoe so as to + overlook the lower slopes of Mrs. Braddon, "will you be good + enough to tell me how long this thing is going on?"</p> + + <p>"Can't say, I'm sure," he replied without pulling his eyes + off the page. "They'll probably make up about the middle of the + book. In the meantime old Pondronummus will foul his top-hamper + and take out his papers for Looney Haven, and young Monshure de + Boojower will come in for a million. Then if the proud and fair + Angelica doesn't luff and come into his wake after pizening + that sea lawyer, Thundermuzzle, I don't know nothing about the + deeps and shallers of the human heart."</p> + + <p>I could not take so hopeful a view of the situation, and + went on deck, feeling very much discouraged. I had no sooner + got my head out than I observed that the ship was moving at a + high rate of speed!</p> + + <p>We had on board a bullock and a Dutchman. The bullock was + chained by the neck to the foremast, but the Dutchman was + allowed a good deal of liberty, being shut up at night only. + There was bad blood between the two—a feud of long + standing, having its origin in the Dutchman's appetite for milk + and the bullock's sense of personal dignity; the particular + cause of offense it would be tedious to relate. Taking + advantage of his enemy's afternoon <i>siesta</i>, the Dutchman + had now managed to sneak by him, and had gone out on the + bowsprit to fish. When the animal waked and saw the other + creature enjoying himself he straddled his chain, leveled his + horns, got his hind feet against the mast and laid a course for + the offender. The chain was strong, the mast firm, and the + ship, as Byron says, "walked the water like a thing of + course."</p> + + <p>After that we kept the Dutchman right where he was, night + and day, the old <i>Camel</i> making better speed than she had + ever done in the most favorable gale. We held due south.</p> + + <p>We had now been a long time without sufficient food, + particularly meat. We could spare neither the bullock nor the + Dutchman; and the ship's carpenter, that traditional first aid + to the famished, was a mere bag of bones. The fish would + neither bite nor be bitten. Most of the running-tackle of the + ship had been used for macaroni soup; all the leather work, our + shoes included, had been devoured in omelettes; with oakum and + tar we had made fairly supportable salad. After a brief + experimental career as tripe the sails had departed this life + forever. Only two courses remained from which to choose; we + could eat one another, as is the etiquette of the sea, or + partake of Captain Abersouth's novels. Dreadful + alternative!—but a choice. And it is seldom, I think, + that starving sailormen are offered a shipload of the best + popular authors ready-roasted by the critics.</p> + + <p>We ate that fiction. The works that the captain had thrown + aside lasted six months, for most of them were by the + best-selling authors and were pretty tough. After they were + gone—of course some had to be given to the bullock and + the Dutchman—we stood by the captain, taking the other + books from his hands as he finished them. Sometimes, when we + were apparently at our last gasp, he would skip a whole page of + moralizing, or a bit of description; and always, as soon as he + clearly foresaw the <i>dénoûement</i>—which he generally + did at about the middle of the second volume—the work was + handed over to us without a word of repining.</p> + + <p>The effect of this diet was not unpleasant but remarkable. + Physically, it sustained us; mentally, it exalted us; morally, + it made us but a trifle worse than we were. We talked as no + human beings ever talked before. Our wit was polished but + without point. As in a stage broadsword combat, every cut has + its parry, so in our conversation every remark suggested the + reply, and this necessitated a certain rejoinder. The sequence + once interrupted, the whole was bosh; when the thread was + broken the beads were seen to be waxen and hollow.</p> + + <p>We made love to one another, and plotted darkly in the + deepest obscurity of the hold. Each set of conspirators had its + proper listener at the hatch. These, leaning too far over would + bump their heads together and fight. Occasionally there was + confusion amongst them: two or more would assert a right to + overhear the same plot. I remember at one time the cook, the + carpenter, the second assistant-surgeon, and an able seaman + contended with handspikes for the honor of betraying my + confidence. Once there were three masked murderers of the + second watch bending at the same instant over the sleeping form + of a cabin-boy, who had been heard to mutter, a week + previously, that he had "Gold! gold!" the accumulation of + eighty—yes, eighty—years' piracy on the high seas, + while sitting as M.P. for the borough of Zaccheus-cum-Down, and + attending church regularly. I saw the captain of the foretop + surrounded by suitors for his hand, while he was himself + fingering the edge of a packing-case, and singing an amorous + ditty to a lady-love shaving at a mirror.</p> + + <p>Our diction consisted, in about equal parts, of classical + allusion, quotation from the stable, simper from the scullery, + cant from the clubs, and the technical slang of heraldry. We + boasted much of ancestry, and admired the whiteness of our + hands whenever the skin was visible through a fault in the + grease and tar. Next to love, the vegetable kingdom, murder, + arson, adultery and ritual, we talked most of art. The wooden + figure-head of the <i>Camel</i>, representing a Guinea nigger + detecting a bad smell, and the monochrome picture of two + back-broken dolphins on the stern, acquired a new importance. + The Dutchman had destroyed the nose of the one by kicking his + toes against it, and the other was nearly obliterated by the + slops of the cook; but each had its daily pilgrimage, and each + constantly developed occult beauties of design and subtle + excellences of execution. On the whole we were greatly altered; + and if the supply of contemporary fiction had been equal to the + demand, the <i>Camel</i>, I fear, would not have been strong + enough to contain the moral and æsthetic forces fired by the + maceration of the brains of authors in the gastric juices of + sailors.</p> + + <p>Having now got the ship's literature off his mind into ours, + the captain went on deck for the first time since leaving port. + We were still steering the same course, and, taking his first + observation of the sun, the captain discovered that we were in + latitude 83° south. The heat was insufferable; the air was like + the breath of a furnace within a furnace. The sea steamed like + a boiling cauldron, and in the vapor our bodies were temptingly + parboiled—our ultimate meal was preparing. Warped by the + sun, the ship held both ends high out of the water; the deck of + the forecastle was an inclined plane, on which the bullock + labored at a disadvantage; but the bowsprit was now vertical + and the Dutchman's tenure precarious. A thermometer hung + against the mainmast, and we grouped ourselves about it as the + captain went up to examine the register.</p> + + <p>"One hundred and ninety degrees Fahrenheit!" he muttered in + evident astonishment. "Impossible!" Turning sharply about, he + ran his eyes over us, and inquired in a peremptory tone, "who's + been in command while I was runnin' my eye over that book?"</p> + + <p>"Well, captain," I replied, as respectfully as I knew how, + "the fourth day out I had the unhappiness to be drawn into a + dispute about a game of cards with your first and second + officers. In the absence of those excellent seamen, sir, I + thought it my duty to assume control of the ship."</p> + + <p>"Killed 'em, hey?"</p> + + <p>"Sir, they committed suicide by questioning the efficacy of + four kings and an ace."</p> + + <p>"Well, you lubber, what have you to say in defense of this + extraordinary weather?"</p> + + <p>"Sir, it is no fault of mine. We are far—very far + south, and it is now the middle of July. The weather is + uncomfortable, I admit; but considering the latitude and + season, it is not, I protest, unseasonable."</p> + + <p>"Latitude and season!" he shrieked, livid with + rage—"latitude and season! Why, you junk-rigged, + flat-bottomed, meadow lugger, don't you know any better than + that? Didn't yer little baby brother ever tell ye that southern + latitudes is colder than northern, and that July is the middle + o' winter here? Go below, you son of a scullion, or I'll break + your bones!"</p> + + <p>"Oh! very well," I replied; "I'm not going to stay on deck + and listen to such low language as that, I warn you. Have it + your own way."</p> + + <p>The words had no sooner left my lips, than a piercing cold + wind caused me to cast my eye upon the thermometer. In the new + régime of science the mercury was descending rapidly; but in a + moment the instrument was obscured by a blinding fall of snow. + Towering icebergs rose from the water on every side, hanging + their jagged masses hundreds of feet above the masthead, and + shutting us completely in. The ship twisted and writhed; her + decks bulged upward, and every timber groaned and cracked like + the report of a pistol. The <i>Camel</i> was frozen fast. The + jerk of her sudden stopping snapped the bullock's chain, and + sent both that animal and the Dutchman over the bows, to + accomplish their warfare on the ice.</p> + + <p>Elbowing my way forward to go below, as I had threatened, I + saw the crew tumble to the deck on either hand like ten-pins. + They were frozen stiff. Passing the captain, I asked him + sneeringly how he liked the weather under the new régime. He + replied with a vacant stare. The chill had penetrated to the + brain, and affected his mind. He murmured:</p> + + <p>"In this delightful spot, happy in the world's esteem, and + surrounded by all that makes existence dear, they passed the + remainder of their lives. The End."</p> + + <p>His jaw dropped. The captain of the <i>Camel</i> was + dead.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_MAN_OVERBOARD" id="THE_MAN_OVERBOARD"></a>THE MAN OVERBOARD</h2> + + <h3>I</h3> + + <p>The good ship <i>Nupple-duck</i> was drifting rapidly upon a + sunken coral reef, which seemed to extend a reasonless number + of leagues to the right and left without a break, and I was + reading Macaulay's "Naseby Fight" to the man at the wheel. + Everything was, in fact, going on as nicely as heart could + wish, when Captain Abersouth, standing on the companion-stair, + poked his head above deck and asked where we were. Pausing in + my reading, I informed him that we had got as far as the + disastrous repulse of Prince Rupert's cavalry, adding that if + he would have the goodness to hold his jaw we should be making + it awkward for the wounded in about three minutes, and he might + bear a hand at the pockets of the slain. Just then the ship + struck heavily, and went down!</p> + + <p>Calling another ship, I stepped aboard, and gave directions + to be taken to No. 900 Tottenham Court Road, where I had an + aunt; then, walking aft to the man at the wheel, asked him if + he would like to hear me read "Naseby Fight." He thought he + would: he would like to hear that, and then I might pass on to + something else—Kinglake's "Crimean War," the proceedings + at the trial of Warren Hastings, or some such trifle, just to + wile away the time till eight bells.</p> + + <p>All this time heavy clouds had been gathering along the + horizon directly in front of the ship, and a deputation of + passengers now came to the man at the wheel to demand that she + be put about, or she would run into them, which the spokesman + explained would be unusual. I thought at the time that it + certainly was not the regular thing to do, but, as I was myself + only a passenger, did not deem it expedient to take a part in + the heated discussion that ensued; and, after all, it did not + seem likely that the weather in those clouds would be much + worse than that in Tottenham Court Road, where I had an + aunt.</p> + + <p>It was finally decided to refer the matter to arbitration, + and after many names had been submitted and rejected by both + sides, it was agreed that the captain of the ship should act as + arbitrator if his consent could be obtained, and I was + delegated to conduct the negotiations to that end. With + considerable difficulty, I persuaded him to accept the + responsibility.</p> + + <p>He was a feeble-minded sort of fellow named Troutbeck, who + was always in a funk lest he should make enemies; never + reflecting that most men would a little rather be his enemies + than not. He had once been the ship's cook, but had cooked so + poisonously ill that he had been forcibly transferred from + galley to quarter-deck by the dyspeptic survivors of his + culinary career.</p> + + <p>The little captain went aft with me to listen to arguments + of the dissatisfied passengers and the obstinate steersman, as + to whether we should take our chances in the clouds, or tail + off and run for the opposite horizon; but on approaching the + wheel, we found both helmsman and passengers in a condition of + profound astonishment, rolling their eyes about towards every + point of the compass, and shaking their heads in hopeless + perplexity. It was rather remarkable, certainly: the bank of + cloud which had worried the landsmen was now directly astern, + and the ship was cutting along lively in her own wake, toward + the point from which she had come, and straight away from + Tottenham Court Road! Everybody declared it was a miracle; the + chaplain was piped up for prayers, and the man at the wheel was + as truly penitent as if he had been detected robbing an empty + poor-box.</p> + + <p>The explanation was simple enough, and dawned upon me the + moment I saw how matters stood. During the dispute between the + helmsman and the deputation, the former had renounced his wheel + to gesticulate, and I, thinking no harm, had amused myself, + during a rather tedious debate, by revolving the thing this way + and that, and had unconsciously put the ship about. By a + coincidence not unusual in low latitudes, the wind had effected + a corresponding transposition at the same time, and was now + bowling us as merrily back toward the place where I had + embarked, as it had previously wafted us in the direction of + Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt. I must here so far + anticipate, as to explain that some years later these various + incidents—particularly the reading of "Naseby + Fight"—led to the adoption, in our mercantile marine, of + a rule which I believe is still extant, to the effect that one + must not speak to the man at the wheel unless the man at the + wheel speaks first.</p> + + <h3>II</h3> + + <p>It is only by inadvertence that I have omitted the + information that the vessel in which I was now a pervading + influence was the <i>Bonnyclabber</i> (Troutbeck, master), of + Malvern Heights.</p> + + <p>The <i>Bonnyclabber's</i> reactionary course had now brought + her to the spot at which I had taken passage. Passengers and + crew, fatigued by their somewhat awkward attempts to manifest + their gratitude for our miraculous deliverance from the + cloud-bank, were snoring peacefully in unconsidered attitudes + about the deck, when the lookout man, perched on the supreme + extremity of the mainmast, consuming a cold sausage, began an + apparently preconcerted series of extraordinary and + unimaginable noises. He coughed, sneezed, and barked + simultaneously—bleated in one breath, and cackled in the + next—sputteringly shrieked, and chatteringly squealed, + with a bass of suffocated roars. There were desolutory vocal + explosions, tapering off in long wails, half smothered in + unintelligible small-talk. He whistled, wheezed, and trumpeted; + began to sharp, thought better of it and flatted; neighed like + a horse, and then thundered like a drum! Through it all he + continued making incomprehensible signals with one hand while + clutching his throat with the other. Presently he gave it up, + and silently descended to the deck.</p> + + <p>By this time we were all attention; and no sooner had he set + foot amongst us, than he was assailed with a tempest of + questions which, had they been visible, would have resembled a + flight of pigeons. He made no reply—not even by a look, + but passed through our enclosing mass with a grim, defiant + step, a face deathly white, and a set of the jaw as of one + repressing an ambitious dinner, or ignoring a venomous + toothache. For the poor man was choking!</p> + + <p>Passing down the companion-way, the patient sought the + surgeon's cabin, with the ship's company at his heels. The + surgeon was fast asleep, the lark-like performance at the + masthead having been inaudible in that lower region. While some + of us were holding a whisky-bottle to the medical nose, in + order to apprise the medical intelligence of the demand upon + it, the patient seated himself in statuesque silence. By this + time his pallor, which was but the mark of a determined mind, + had given place to a fervent crimson, which visibly deepened + into a pronounced purple, and was ultimately superseded by a + clouded blue, shot through with opalescent gleams, and smitten + with variable streaks of black. The face was swollen and + shapeless, the neck puffy. The eyes protruded like pegs of a + hat-stand.</p> + + <p>Pretty soon the doctor was got awake, and after making a + careful examination of his patient, remarking that it was a + lovely case of <i>stopupagus œsophagi</i>, took a tool + and set to work, producing with no difficulty a cold sausage of + the size, figure, and general bearing of a somewhat + self-important banana. The operation had been performed amid + breathless silence, but the moment it was concluded the + patient, whose neck and head had visibly collapsed, sprang to + his feet and shouted:</p> + + <p>"Man overboard!"</p> + + <p>That is what he had been trying to say.</p> + + <p>There was a confused rush to the upper deck, and everybody + flung something over the ship's side—a life-belt, a + chicken-coop, a coil of rope, a spar, an old sail, a pocket + handkerchief, an iron crowbar—any movable article which + it was thought might be useful to a drowning man who had + followed the vessel during the hour that had elapsed since the + initial alarm at the mast-head. In a few moments the ship was + pretty nearly dismantled of everything that could be easily + renounced, and some excitable passenger having cut away the + boats there was nothing more that we could do, though the + chaplain explained that if the ill-fated gentleman in the wet + did not turn up after a while it was his intention to stand at + the stern and read the burial service of the Church of + England.</p> + + <p>Presently it occurred to some ingenious person to inquire + who had gone overboard, and all hands being mustered and the + roll called, to our great chagrin every man answered to his + name, passengers and all! Captain Troutbeck, however, held that + in a matter of so great importance a simple roll-call was + insufficient, and with an assertion of authority that was + encouraging insisted that every person on board be separately + sworn. The result was the same; nobody was missing and the + captain, begging pardon for having doubted our veracity, + retired to his cabin to avoid further responsibility, but + expressed a hope that for the purpose of having everything + properly recorded in the log-book we would apprise him of any + further action that we might think it advisable to take. I + smiled as I remembered that in the interest of the unknown + gentleman whose peril we had overestimated I had flung the + log-book over the ship's side.</p> + + <p>Soon afterward I felt suddenly inspired with one of those + great ideas that come to most men only once or twice in a + lifetime, and to the ordinary story teller never. Hastily + reconvening the ship's company I mounted the capstan and thus + addressed them:</p> + + <p>"Shipmates, there has been a mistake. In the fervor of an + ill-considered compassion we have made pretty free with certain + movable property of an eminent firm of shipowners of Malvern + Heights. For this we shall undoubtedly be called to account if + we are ever so fortunate as to drop anchor in Tottenham Court + Road, where I have an aunt. It would add strength to our + defence if we could show to the satisfaction of a jury of our + peers that in heeding the sacred promptings of humanity we had + acted with some small degree of common sense. If, for example, + we could make it appear that there really was a man overboard, + who might have been comforted and sustained by the material + consolation that we so lavishly dispensed in the form of + buoyant articles belonging to others, the British heart would + find in that fact a mitigating circumstance pleading eloquently + in our favor. Gentlemen and ship's officers, I venture to + propose that we do now throw a man overboard."</p> + + <p>The effect was electrical: the motion was carried by + acclamation and there was a unanimous rush for the now wretched + mariner whose false alarm at the masthead was the cause of our + embarrassment, but on second thoughts it was decided to + substitute Captain Troutbeck, as less generally useful and more + undeviatingly in error. The sailor had made one mistake of + considerable magnitude, but the captain's entire existence was + a mistake altogether. He was fetched up from his cabin and + chucked over.</p> + + <p>At 900 Tottenham Road Court lived an aunt of mine—a + good old lady who had brought me up by hand and taught me many + wholesome lessons in morality, which in my later life have + proved of extreme value. Foremost among these I may mention her + solemn and oft-repeated injunction never to tell a lie without + a definite and specific reason for doing so. Many years' + experience in the violation of this principle enables me to + speak with authority as to its general soundness. I have, + therefore, much pleasure in making a slight correction in the + preceding chapter of this tolerably true history. It was there + affirmed that I threw the <i>Bonnyclabber's</i> log-book into + the sea. The statement is entirely false, and I can discover no + reason for having made it that will for a moment weigh against + those I now have for the preservation of that log-book.</p> + + <p>The progress of the story has developed new necessities, and + I now find it convenient to quote from that book passages which + it could not have contained if cast into the sea at the time + stated; for if thrown upon the resources of my imagination I + might find the temptation to exaggerate too strong to be + resisted.</p> + + <p>It is needless to worry the reader with those entries in the + book referring to events already related. Our record will begin + on the day of the captain's consignment to the deep, after + which era I made the entries myself.</p> + + <p>"June 22nd.—Not much doing in the way of gales, but + heavy swells left over from some previous blow. Latitude and + longitude not notably different from last observation. Ship + laboring a trifle, owing to lack of top-hamper, everything of + that kind having been cut away in consequence of Captain + Troutbeck having accidently fallen overboard while fishing from + the bowsprit. Also threw over cargo and everything that we + could spare. Miss our sails rather, but if they save our dear + captain, we shall be content. Weather flagrant.</p> + + <p>"23d.—Nothing from Captain Troutbeck. Dead + calm—also dead whale. The passengers having become + preposterous in various ways, Mr. Martin, the chief officer, + had three of the ringleaders tied up and rope's-ended. He + thought it advisable also to flog an equal number of the crew, + by way of being impartial. Weather ludicrous.</p> + + <p>"24th.—Captain still prefers to stop away, and does + not telegraph. The 'captain of the foretop'—there isn't + any foretop now—was put in irons to-day by Mr. Martin for + eating cold sausage while on look-out. Mr. Martin has flogged + the steward, who had neglected to holy-stone the binnacle and + paint the dead-lights. The steward is a good fellow all the + same. Weather iniquitous.</p> + + <p>"25th.—Can't think whatever has become of Captain + Troutbeck. He must be getting hungry by this time; for although + he has his fishing-tackle with him, he has no bait. Mr. Martin + inspected the entries in this book to-day. He is a most + excellent and humane officer. Weather inexcusable.</p> + + <p>"26th.—All hope of hearing from the Captain has been + abandoned. We have sacrificed everything to save him; but now, + if we could procure the loan of a mast and some sails, we + should proceed on our voyage. Mr. Martin has knocked the + coxswain overboard for sneezing. He is an experienced seaman, a + capable officer, and a Christian gentleman—damn his eyes! + Weather tormenting.</p> + + <p>"27th.—Another inspection of this book by Mr. Martin. + Farewell, vain world! Break it gently to my aunt in Tottenham + Court Road."</p> + + <p>In the concluding sentences of this record, as it now lies + before me, the handwriting is not very legible: they were + penned under circumstances singularly unfavorable. Mr. Martin + stood behind me with his eyes fixed on the page; and in order + to secure a better view, had twisted the machinery of the + engine he called his hand into the hair of my head, depressing + that globe to such an extent that my nose was flattened against + the surface of the table, and I had no small difficulty in + discerning the lines through my eyebrows. I was not accustomed + to writing in that position: it had not been taught in the only + school that I ever attended. I therefore felt justified in + bringing the record to a somewhat abrupt close, and immediately + went on deck with Mr. Martin, he preceding me up the + companion-stairs on foot, I following, not on horseback, but on + my own, the connection between us being maintained without + important alteration.</p> + + <p>Arriving on deck, I thought it advisable, in the interest of + peace and quietness, to pursue him in the same manner to the + side of the ship, where I parted from him forever with many + expressions of regret, which might have been heard at a + considerable distance.</p> + + <p>Of the subsequent fate of the <i>Bonnyclabber</i>, I can + only say that the log-book from which I have quoted was found + some years later in the stomach of a whale, along with some + shreds of clothing, a few buttons and several decayed + life-belts. It contained only one new entry, in a straggling + handwriting, as if it had been penned in the dark:</p> + + <p>"july2th foundered svivors rescude by wale wether stuffy no + nues from capting trowtbeck Sammle martin cheef Ofcer."</p> + + <p>Let us now take a retrospective glance at the situation. The + ship <i>Nupple-duck</i>, (Abersouth, master) had, it will be + remembered, gone down with all on board except me. I had + escaped on the ship <i>Bonnyclabber</i> (Troutbeck) which I had + quitted owing to a misunderstanding with the chief officer, and + was now unattached. That is how matters stood when, rising on + an unusually high wave, and casting my eye in the direction of + Tottenham Court Road—that is, backward along the course + pursued by the <i>Bonnyclabber</i> and toward the spot at which + the <i>Nupple-duck</i> had been swallowed up—I saw a + quantity of what appeared to be wreckage. It turned out to be + some of the stuff that we had thrown overboard under a + misapprehension. The several articles had been compiled and, so + to speak, carefully edited. They were, in fact, lashed + together, forming a raft. On a stool in the center of + it—not, apparently navigating it, but rather with the + subdued and dignified bearing of a passenger, sat Captain + Abersouth, of the <i>Nupple-duck</i>, reading a novel.</p> + + <p>Our meeting was not cordial. He remembered me as a man of + literary taste superior to his own and harbored resentment, and + although he made no opposition to my taking passage with him I + could see that his acquiescence was due rather to his muscular + inferiority than to the circumstance that I was damp and taking + cold. Merely acknowledging his presence with a nod as I climbed + abroad, I seated myself and inquired if he would care to hear + the concluding stanzas of "Naseby Fight."</p> + + <p>"No," he replied, looking up from his novel, "no, Claude + Reginald Gump, writer of sea stories, I've done with you. When + you sank the <i>Nupple-duck</i> some days ago you probably + thought that you had made an end of me. That was clever of you, + but I came to the surface and followed the other ship—the + one on which you escaped. It was I that the sailor saw from the + masthead. I saw him see me. It was for me that all that stuff + was hove overboard. Good—I made it into this raft. It + was, I think, the next day that I passed the floating body of a + man whom I recognized as, my old friend Billy + Troutbeck—he used to be a cook on a man-o'-war. It gives + me pleasure to be the means of saving your life, but I eschew + you. The moment that we reach port our paths part. You remember + that in the very first sentence of this story you began to + drive my ship, the <i>Nupple-duck</i>, on to a reef of + coral."</p> + + <p>I was compelled to confess that this was true, and he + continued his inhospitable reproaches:</p> + + <p>"Before you had written half a column you sent her to the + bottom, with me and the crew. But <i>you</i>—you + escaped."</p> + + <p>"That is true," I replied; "I cannot deny that the facts are + correctly stated."</p> + + <p>"And in a story before that, you took me and my mates of the + ship <i>Camel</i> into the heart of the South Polar Sea and + left us frozen dead in the ice, like flies in amber. But you + did not leave yourself there—you escaped."</p> + + <p>"Really, Captain," I said, "your memory is singularly + accurate, considering the many hardships that you have had to + undergo; many a man would have gone mad."</p> + + <p>"And a long time before that," Captain Abersouth resumed, + after a pause, more, apparently, to con his memory than to + enjoy my good opinion of it, "you lost me at sea—look + here; I didn't read anything but George Eliot at that time, but + I'm <i>told</i> that you lost me at sea in the <i>Mudlark</i>. + Have I been misinformed?"</p> + + <p>I could not say he had been misinformed.</p> + + <p>"You yourself escaped on that occasion, I think."</p> + + <p>It was true. Being usually the hero of my own stories, I + commonly do manage to live through one, in order to figure to + advantage in the next. It is from artistic necessity: no reader + would take much interest in a hero who was dead before the + beginning of the tale. I endeavored to explain this to Captain + Abersouth. He shook his head.</p> + + <p>"No," said he, "it's cowardly, that's the way I look at + it."</p> + + <p>Suddenly an effulgent idea began to dawn upon me, and I let + it have its way until my mind was perfectly luminous. Then I + rose from my seat, and frowning down into the upturned face of + my accuser, spoke in severe and rasping accents thus:</p> + + <p>"Captain Abersouth, in the various perils you and I have + encountered together in the classical literature of the period, + if I have always escaped and you have always perished; if I + lost you at sea in the <i>Mudlark</i>, froze you into the ice + at the South Pole in the <i>Camel</i> and drowned you in the + <i>Nupple-duck</i>, pray be good enough to tell me whom I have + the honor to address."</p> + + <p>It was a blow to the poor man: no one was ever so + disconcerted. Flinging aside his novel, he put up his hands and + began to scratch his head and think. It was beautiful to see + him think, but it seemed to distress him and pointing + significantly over the side of the raft I suggested as + delicately as possible that it was time to act. He rose to his + feet and fixing upon me a look of reproach which I shall + remember as long as I can, cast himself into the deep. As to + me—I escaped.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_CARGO_OF_CAT" id="A_CARGO_OF_CAT"></a>A CARGO OF CAT</h2> + + <p>On the 16th day of June, 1874, the ship <i>Mary Jane</i> + sailed from Malta, heavily laden with cat. This cargo gave us a + good deal of trouble. It was not in bales, but had been dumped + into the hold loose. Captain Doble, who had once commanded a + ship that carried coals, said he had found that plan the best. + When the hold was full of cat the hatch was battened down and + we felt good. Unfortunately the mate, thinking the cats would + be thirsty, introduced a hose into one of the hatches and + pumped in a considerable quantity of water, and the cats of the + lower levels were all drowned.</p> + + <p>You have seen a dead cat in a pond: you remember its + circumference at the waist. Water multiplies the magnitude of a + dead cat by ten. On the first day out, it was observed that the + ship was much strained. She was three feet wider than usual and + as much as ten feet shorter. The convexity of her deck was + visibly augmented fore and aft, but she turned up at both ends. + Her rudder was clean out of water and she would answer the helm + only when running directly against a strong breeze: the rudder, + when perverted to one side, would rub against the wind and slew + her around; and then she wouldn't steer any more. Owing to the + curvature of the keel, the masts came together at the top, and + a sailor who had gone up the foremast got bewildered, came down + the mizzenmast, looked out over the stern at the receding + shores of Malta and shouted: "Land, ho!" The ship's fastenings + were all giving way; the water on each side was lashed into + foam by the tempest of flying bolts that she shed at every + pulsation of the cargo. She was quietly wrecking herself + without assistance from wind or wave, by the sheer internal + energy of feline expansion.</p> + + <p>I went to the skipper about it. He was in his favorite + position, sitting on the deck, supporting his back against the + binnacle, making a V of his legs, and smoking.</p> + + <p>"Captain Doble," I said, respectfully touching my hat, which + was really not worthy of respect, "this floating palace is + afflicted with curvature of the spine and is likewise greatly + swollen."</p> + + <p>Without raising his eyes he courteously acknowledged my + presence by knocking the ashes from his pipe.</p> + + <p>"Permit me, Captain," I said, with simple dignity, "to + repeat that this ship is much swollen."</p> + + <p>"If that is true," said the gallant mariner, reaching for + his tobacco pouch, "I think it would be as well to swab her + down with liniment. There's a bottle of it in my cabin. Better + suggest it to the mate."</p> + + <p>"But, Captain, there is no time for empirical treatment; + some of the planks at the water line have started."</p> + + <p>The skipper rose and looked out over the stern, toward the + land; he fixed his eyes on the foaming wake; he gazed into the + water to starboard and to port. Then he said:</p> + + <p>"My friend, the whole darned thing has started."</p> + + <p>Sadly and silently I turned from that obdurate man and + walked forward. Suddenly "there was a burst of thunder sound!" + The hatch that had held down the cargo was flung whirling into + space and sailed in the air like a blown leaf. Pushing upward + through the hatchway was a smooth, square column of cat. + Grandly and impressively it grew—slowly, serenely, + majestically it rose toward the welkin, the relaxing keel + parting the mastheads to give it a fair chance. I have stood at + Naples and seen Vesuvius painting the town red—from + Catania have marked afar, upon the flanks of Ætna, the lava's + awful pursuit of the astonished rooster and the despairing pig. + The fiery flow from Kilauea's crater, thrusting itself into the + forests and licking the entire country clean, is as familiar to + me as my mother-tongue. I have seen glaciers, a thousand years + old and quite bald, heading for a valley full of tourists at + the rate of an inch a month. I have seen a saturated solution + of mining camp going down a mountain river, to make a sociable + call on the valley farmers. I have stood behind a tree on the + battle-field and seen a compact square mile of armed men moving + with irresistible momentum to the rear. Whenever anything grand + in magnitude or motion is billed to appear I commonly manage to + beat my way into the show, and in reporting it I am a man of + unscrupulous veracity; but I have seldom observed anything like + that solid gray column of Maltese cat!</p> + + <p>It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each + individual grimalkin in the outfit, with that readiness of + resource which distinguishes the species, had grappled with + tooth and nail as many others as it could hook on to. This + preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff that when + the ship rolled (and the <i>Mary Jane</i> was a devil to roll) + it swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if + it grew much taller he would have to order it cut away or it + would capsize us.</p> + + <p>Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these + discharged nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from + his toes and shouted: "Let go the anchor!" but being assured + that nobody was touching it, apologized and resumed his revery. + The chaplain said if there were no objections he would like to + offer up a prayer, and a gambler from Chicago, producing a pack + of cards, proposed to throw round for the first jack. The + parson's plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final "amen," + the cats struck up a hymn.</p> + + <p>All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother's + son of them sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. + Nearly all their notes in the upper register were more or less + cracked and disobedient. The remarkable thing about the voices + was their range. In that crowd were cats of seventeen octaves, + and the average could not have been less than twelve.</p> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Number of cats, as per invoice</td> + + <td align="right">127,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Estimated number dead swellers</td> + + <td align="right">6,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" + align="right">————</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Total songsters</td> + + <td align="right">121,000</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Average number octaves per cat</td> + + <td align="right">12</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" + align="right">————</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Total octaves</td> + + <td align="right">1,452,000</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, + counting each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, + and we could not go below for provisions. At the end of that + time the cook came for'd shaking up some beans in a hat, and + holding a large knife.</p> + + <p>"Shipmates," said he, "we have done all that mortals can do. + Let us now draw lots."</p> + + <p>We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook + was forcing the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the + concert closed with a suddenness that waked the man on the + lookout. A moment later every grimalkin relaxed his hold on his + neighbors, the column lost its cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, + sickening thuds that beat as one, the whole business fell to + the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that feline host + sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for the + African shore!</p> + + <p>The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, + resembles in shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within + sight of it. The cats in the fabric had spied it, and their + alert imaginations were instantly affected with a lively sense + of the size, weight and probable momentum of its flung + bootjack.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="chap05"></a>"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_PRUDE_IN_LETTERS_AND_LIFE"></a>I</h2> + + <h3>THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE</h3> + + <p>It is deserving of remark and censure that American + literature is become shockingly moral. There is not a doubt of + it; our writers, if accused, would make explicit confession + that morality is their only fault—morality in the strict + and specific sense. Far be it from me to disparage and belittle + this decent tendency to ignore the largest side of human + nature, and liveliest element of literary interest. It has an + eminence of its own; if it is not great art, it is at least + great folly—a superior sort of folly to which none of the + masters of letters has ever attained. Not Shakspeare, nor + Cervantes, nor Goethe, nor Molière, nor—no, not even + Rabelais—ever achieved that shining pinnacle of propriety + to which the latter-day American has aspired, by turning his + back upon nature's broad and fruitful levels and his eyes upon + the passionate altitudes where, throned upon congenial ice, + Miss Nancy sits to censure letters, putting the Muses into + petticoats and affixing a fig-leaf upon Truth. Ours are an age + and country of expurgated editions, emasculated art, and social + customs that look over the top of a fan.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Lo! prude-eyed Primdimity, mother of Gush,</span> + <br/> + <span>Sex-conscious, invoking the difficult + blush;</span> + <br/> + <span>At vices that plague us and sins that + beset</span> + <br/> + <span>Sternly directing her private lorgnette,</span> + <br/> + <span>Whose lenses, self-searching instinctive for + sin,</span> + <br/> + <span>Make image without of the fancies within.</span> + <br/> + <span>Itself, if examined, would show us, alas!</span> + <br/> + <span>A tiny transparency (French) on each + glass.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Now, prudery in letters, if it would but have the goodness + not to coexist with prudery in life, might be suffered with + easy fortitude, inasmuch as one needs not read what one does + not like; and between the license of the dear old bucks above + mentioned, and the severities of Miss Nancy Howells, and Miss + Nancy James, Jr., of t'other school, there is latitude for + gratification of individual taste. But it occurs that a + literature rather accurately reflects all the virtues and other + vices of its period and country, and its tendencies are but the + matchings of thought with action. Hence, we may reasonably + expect to find—and indubitably shall find—certain + well-marked correspondences between the literary faults which + it pleases our writers to commit and the social crimes which it + pleases the Adversary to see their readers commit. Within the + current lustrum the prudery which had already, for some + seasons, been achieving a vinegar-visaged and corkscrew-curled + certain age in letters, has invaded the ball-room, and is + infesting it in quantity. Supportable, because evitable, in + letters, it is here, for the contrary reason, insufferable; for + one must dance and enjoy one's self whether one like it or not. + Pleasure, I take it, is a duty not to be shirked at the command + of disinclination. Youth, following the bent of inherited + instinct, and loyally conforming himself to the centuries, must + shake a leg in the dance, and Age, from emulation and habit, + and for denial of rheumatic incapacity, must occasionally twist + his heel though he twist it off in the performance. Dance we + must, and dance we shall; that is settled; the question of + magnitude is, Shall we caper jocundly with the good grace of an + easy conscience, or submit to shuffle half-heartedly with a + sense of shame, wincing under the slow stroke of our own + rebuking eye? To this momentous question let us now + intelligently address our minds, sacredly pledged, as becomes + lovers of truth, to its determination in the manner most + agreeable to our desires; and if, in pursuance of this laudable + design, we have the unhappiness to bother the bunions + decorating the all-pervading feet of the good people whose + deprecations are voiced in <i>The Dance of Death</i> and the + clamatory literature of which that blessed volume was the + honored parent, upon their own corns be it; they should not + have obtruded these eminences</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i4">when youth and pleasure meet</span> + <br/> + <span>To chase the glowing hours with flying + feet.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>What, therefore, whence, and likewise why, is dancing? From + what flower of nature, fertilized by what pollen of + circumstance or necessity, is it the fruit? Let us go to the + root of the matter.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THE_BEATING_OF_THE_BLOOD"></a>II</h2> + + <h3>THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD</h3> + + <p>Nature takes a childish delight in tireless repetition. The + days repeat themselves, the tides ebb and flow, the tree sways + forth and back. This world is intent upon recurrences. Not the + pendulum of a clock is more persistent of iteration than are + all existing things; periodicity is the ultimate law and + largest explanation of the universe—to do it over again + the one insatiable ambition of all that is. Everything + vibrates; through vibration alone do the senses discern it. We + are not provided with means of cognizance of what is absolutely + at rest; impressions come in waves. Recurrence, recurrence, and + again recurrence—that is the sole phenomenon. With what + fealty we submit us to the law which compels the rhythm and + regularity to our movement—that makes us divide up + passing time into brief equal intervals, marking them off by + some method of physical notation, so that our senses may + apprehend them! In all we do we unconsciously mark time like a + clock, the leader of an orchestra with his <i>bâton</i> only + more perfectly than the smith with his hammer, or the woman + with her needle, because his hand is better assisted by his + ear, less embarrassed with <i>impedimenta</i>. The pedestrian + impelling his legs and the idler twiddling his thumbs are + endeavoring, each in his unconscious way, to beat time to some + inaudible music; and the graceless lout, sitting cross-legged + in a horse-car, manages the affair with his toe.</p> + + <p>The more intently we labor, the more intensely do we become + absorbed in labor's dumb song, until with body and mind engaged + in the ecstacy of repetition, we resent an interruption of our + work as we do a false note in music, and are mightily enamored + of ourselves afterward for the power of application which was + simply inability to desist. In this rhythm of toil is to be + found the charm of industry. Toil has in itself no spell to + conjure with, but its recurrences of molecular action, cerebral + and muscular, are as delightful as rhyme.</p> + + <p>Such of our pleasures as require movements equally rhythmic + with those entailed by labor are almost equally agreeable, with + the added advantage of being useless. Dancing, which is not + only rhythmic movement, pure and simple, undebased with any + element of utility, but is capable of performance under + conditions positively baneful, is for these reasons the most + engaging of them all; and if it were but one-half as wicked as + the prudes have endeavored by method of naughty suggestion to + make it would lack of absolute bliss nothing but the other + half.</p> + + <p>This ever active and unabatable something within us which + compels us always to be marking time we may call, for want of a + better name, the instinct of rhythm. It is the æsthetic + principle of our nature. Translated into words it has given us + poetry; into sound, music; into motion, dancing. Perhaps even + painting may be referred to it, space being the correlative of + time, and color the correlative of tone. We are fond of + arranging our minute intervals of time into groups. We find + certain of these groups highly agreeable, while others are no + end unpleasant. In the former there is a singular regularity to + be observed, which led hard-headed old Leibnitz to the theory + that our delight in music arises from an inherent affection for + mathematics. Yet musicians have hitherto obtained but + indifferent recognition for feats of calculation, nor have the + singing and playing of renowned mathematicians been unanimously + commended by good judges.</p> + + <p>Music so intensifies and excites the instinct of rhythm that + a strong volition is required to repress its physical + expression. The universality of this is well illustrated by the + legend, found in some shape in many countries and languages, of + the boy with the fiddle who compels king, cook, peasant, clown, + and all that kind of people, to follow him through the land; + and in the myth of the Pied Piper of Hamelin we discern + abundant reason to think the instinct of rhythm an attribute of + rats. Soldiers march so much livelier with music than without + that it has been found a tolerably good substitute for the hope + of plunder. When the foot-falls are audible, as on the deck of + a steamer, walking has an added pleasure, and even the pirate, + with gentle consideration for the universal instinct, suffers + his vanquished foeman to walk the plank.</p> + + <p>Dancing is simply marking time with the body, as an + accompaniment to music, though the same—without the + music—is done with only the head and forefinger in a New + England meeting-house at psalm time. (The peculiar dance named + in honor of St. Vitus is executed with or without music, at the + option of the musician.) But the body is a clumsy piece of + machinery, requiring some attention and observation to keep it + accurately in time to the fiddling. The smallest diversion of + the thought, the briefest relaxing of the mind, is fatal to the + performance. 'Tis as easy to fix attention on a sonnet of + Shakspeare while working at whist as gloat upon your partner + while waltzing. It can not be intelligently, appreciatively, + and adequately accomplished—<i>crede expertum</i>.</p> + + <p>On the subject of poetry, Emerson says: "Metre begins with + pulse-beat, and the length of lines in songs and poems is + determined by the inhalation and exhalation of the lungs," and + this really goes near to the root of the matter; albeit we + might derive therefrom the unsupported inference that a poet + "fat and scant of breath" would write in lines of a foot each, + while the more able-bodied bard, with the capacious lungs of a + pearl-diver, would deliver himself all across his page, with + "the spacious volubility of a drumming decasyllabon."</p> + + <p>While the heart, working with alternate contraction and + dilatation, sends the blood intermittently through the brain, + and the outer world apprises us of its existence only by + successive impulses, it must result that our sense of things + will be rhythmic. The brain being alternately stimulated and + relaxed we must think—as we feel—in waves, + apprehending nothing continuously, and incapable of a + consciousness that is not divisible into units of perception of + which we make mental record and physical sign. That is why we + dance. That is why we can, may, must, will, and shall dance, + and the gates of Philistia shall not prevail against us.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>La valse légère, la valse légère,</span> + <br/> + <span>The free, the bright, the debonair,</span> + <br/> + <span>That stirs the strong, and fires the fair</span> + <br/> + <span>With joy like wine of vintage rare—</span> + <br/> + <span>That lends the swiftly circling pair</span> + <br/> + <span>A short surcease of killing care,</span> + <br/> + <span>With music in the dreaming air,</span> + <br/> + <span>With elegance and grace to spare.</span> + <br/> + <span>Vive! vive la valse, la valse légère!</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>George Jessop</i>.</span> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THERE_ARE_CORNS_IN_EGYPT"></a>III</h2> + + <h3>THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT</h3> + + <p>Our civilization—wise child!—knows its father in + the superior civilization whose colossal vestiges are found + along the Nile. To those, then, who see in the dance a + civilizing art, it can not be wholly unprofitable to glance at + this polite accomplishment as it existed among the ancient + Egyptians, and was by them transmitted—with various + modifications, but preserving its essentials of + identity—to other nations and other times. And here we + have first to note that, as in all the nations of antiquity, + the dance in Egypt was principally a religious ceremony; the + pious old boys that builded the pyramids executed their jigs as + an act of worship. Diodorus Siculus informs us that Osiris, in + his proselyting travels among the peoples surrounding + Egypt—for Osiris was what we would call a circuit + preacher—was accompanied by dancers male and dancers + female. From the sculptures on some of the oldest tombs of + Thebes it is seen that the dances there depicted did not + greatly differ from those in present favor in the same region; + although it seems a fair inference from the higher culture and + refinement of the elder period that they were distinguished by + graces correspondingly superior. That dances having the + character of religious rites were not always free from an + element that we would term indelicacy, but which their + performers and witnesses probably considered the commendable + exuberance of zeal and devotion, is manifest from the following + passage of Herodotus, in which reference is made to the + festival of Bubastis:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +Men and women come sailing all together, vast numbers in each boat, many of the +women with castanets, which they strike, while some of the men pipe during the +whole period of the voyage; the remainder of the voyagers, male and female, +sing the while, and make a clapping with their hands. When they arrive opposite +to any town on the banks of the stream they approach the shore, and while some +of the women continue to play and sing, others call aloud to the females of the +place and load them with abuse, a certain number dancing and others standing +up, uncovering themselves. Proceeding in this way all along the river course +they reach Bubastis, where they celebrate the feast with abundant sacrifice. +</p> + + <p>Of the mysteries of Isis and Osiris, in which dancing played + an important part, the character of the ceremonies is matter of + dim conjecture; but from the hints that have come down to us + like significant shrugs and whispers from a discreet past, + which could say a good deal more if it had a mind to, I hasten + to infer that they were no better than they should have + been.</p> + + <p>Naturally the dances for amusement of others were regulated + in movement and gesture to suit the taste of patrons: for the + refined, decency and moderation; for the wicked, <i>a + soupçon</i> of the other kind of excellence. In the latter case + the buffoon, an invariable adjunct, committed a thousand + extravagances, and was a dear, delightful, naughty ancient + Egyptian buffoon. These dances were performed by both men and + women; sometimes together, more frequently in separate parties. + The men seem to have confined themselves mostly to exercises + requiring strength of leg and arm. The figures on the tombs + represent men in lively and vigorous postures, some in attitude + preliminary to leaping, others in the air. This feature of + agility would be a novelty in the oriental dances of to-day; + the indolent male spectator being satisfied with a slow, + voluptuous movement congenial to his disposition. When, on the + contrary, the performance of our prehistoric friends was + governed and determined by ideas of grace, there were not + infrequently from six to eight musical instruments, the harp, + guitar, double-pipe, lyre, and tambourine of the period being + most popular, and these commonly accompanied by a clapping of + hands to mark the time.</p> + + <p>As with the Greeks, dancers were had in at dinner to make + merry; for although the upper-class Egyptian was forbidden to + practice the art, either as an accomplishment or for the + satisfaction of his emotional nature, it was not considered + indecorous to hire professionals to perform before him and his + female and young. The she dancer usually habited herself in a + loose, flowing robe, falling to the ankles and bound at the + waist, while about the hips was fastened a narrow, ornate + girdle. This costume—in point of opacity imperfectly + superior to a gentle breeze—is not always discernible in + the sculptures; but it is charitably believed that the pellucid + garment, being merely painted over the figures, has been + ravished away by the hand of Time—the wretch!</p> + + <p>One of the dances was a succession of pleasing attitudes, + the hands and arms rendering important assistance—the + body bending backward and forward and swaying laterally, the + <i>figurante</i> sometimes half-kneeling, and in that position + gracefully posturing, and again balanced on one foot, the arms + and hands waving slowly in time to the music. In another dance, + the <i>pirouette</i> and other figures dear to the bald-headed + beaux of the modern play-house, were practiced in the familiar + way. Four thousand years ago, the senses of the young ancient + Egyptian—wild, heady lad!—were kicked into + confusion by the dark-skinned belle of the ballet, while + senility, with dimmed eyes, rubbed its dry hands in feverish + approval at the self-same feat. Dear, dear, but it was a bad + world four thousand years ago!</p> + + <p>Sometimes they danced in pairs, men with men and women with + women, indifferently, the latter arrangement seeming to us + preferable by reason of the women's conspicuously superior + grace and almost equal agility; for it is in evidence on the + tombs that tumblers and acrobats were commonly of the softer + sex. Some of the attitudes were similar to those which drew + from Socrates the ungallant remark that women were capable of + learning anything which you will that they should know. The + figures in this <i>pas de deux</i> appear frequently to have + terminated in what children, with their customary coarseness of + speech, are pleased to call "wringing the + dish-clout"—clasping the hands, throwing the arms above + the head and turning rapidly, each as on a pivot, without + loosing the hands of the other, and resting again in + position.</p> + + <p>Sometimes, with no other music than the percussion of hands, + a man would execute a <i>pas seul</i>, which it is to be + presumed he enjoyed. Again, with a riper and better sense of + musical methods, the performer accompanied himself, or, as in + this case it usually was, herself, on the double-pipes, the + guitar or the tambourine, while the familiar hand-clapping was + done by attendants. A step not unlike that of the abominable + clog dance of the "variety" stage and "music hall" of the + present day consisted in striking the heel of first one foot + and then the other, the hands and arms being employed to + diminish the monotony of the movement. For amusement and + instruction of the vulgar, buffoons in herds of ten or more in + fested the streets, hopping and posing to the sound of a + drum.</p> + + <p>As illustrating the versatility of the dance, its wide + capacities of adaptation to human emotional needs, I may + mention here the procession of women to the tomb of a friend or + relative. Punishing the tambourine or <i>dara booka</i> drum, + and bearing branches of palm or other symbolic vegetables, + these sprightly mourners passed through the streets with songs + and dances which, under the circumstances, can hardly have + failed eminently to gratify the person so fortunate as to have + his memory honored by so delicate and appropriate + observance.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="A_REEF_IN_THE_GABARDINE"></a>IV</h2> + + <h3>A REEF IN THE GABARDINE</h3> + + <p>The early Jew danced ritually and socially. Some of his + dances and the customs connected therewith were of his own + devising; others he picked up in Egypt, the latter, no doubt, + being more firmly fixed in his memory by the necessity of + practicing them—albeit behind the back of + Moses—while he had them still fresh in his mind; for he + would naturally resort to every human and inhuman device to + wile away the dragging decades consumed in tracing the + labyrinthine sinuosities of his course in the wilderness. When + a man has assurance that he will not be permitted to arrive at + the point for which he set out, perceiving that every step + forward is a step wasted, he will pretty certainly use his feet + to a better purpose than walking. Clearly, at a time when all + the chosen people were Wandering Jews they would dance all they + knew how. We know that they danced in worship of the Golden + Calf, and that previously "Miriam the prophetess, sister of + Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out + after her with timbrels and with dances." And ever so many + generations before, Laban complained to Jacob that Jacob had + stolen away instead of letting him send him off with songs and + mirth and music on the tabret and harp, a method of speeding + the parting guest which would naturally include dancing, + although the same is not of explicit record.</p> + + <p>The religious ceremonies of the Jews had not at all times + the restraint and delicacy which it is to be wished the Lord + had exacted, for we read of King David himself dancing before + the Ark in a condition so nearly nude as greatly to scandalize + the daughter of Saul. By the way, this incident has been always + a stock argument for the extinction and decent interment of the + unhappy anti dancer. Conceding the necessity of his extinction, + I am yet indisposed to attach much weight to the Davidian + precedent, for it does not appear that he was acting under + divine command, directly or indirectly imparted, and whenever + he followed the hest of his own sweet will David had a notable + knack at going wrong. Perhaps the best value of the incident + consists in the evidence it supplies that dancing was not + forbidden—save possibly by divine injunction—to the + higher classes of Jews, for unless we are to suppose the + dancing of David to have been the mere clumsy capering of a + loutish mood (a theory which our respect for royalty, even when + divested of its imposing externals, forbids us to entertain) we + are bound to assume previous instruction and practice in the + art. We have, moreover, the Roman example of the daughter of + Herodias, whose dancing before Herod was so admirably performed + that she was suitably rewarded with a testimonial of her step + father's esteem. To these examples many more might be added, + showing by cumulative evidence that among the ancient people + whose religion was good enough for us to adopt and improve, + dancing was a polite and proper accomplishment, although not + always decorously executed on seasonable occasion.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="ENTER_A_TROUPE_OF_ANCIENTS_DANCING"></a>V</h2> + + <h3>ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING</h3> + + <p>The nearly oldest authentic human records now decipherable + are the cuneiform inscriptions from the archives of + Assurbanipal, translated by the late George Smith, of the + British Museum, and in them we find abundant reference to the + dance, but must content ourselves with a single one.</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The kings of Arabia who against my agreement, sinned, whom in the midst of +battle alive I had captured in hand, to make that Bitrichiti. Heavy burdens I +caused them to carry and I caused them to take . . . building its brick work . +. . with dancing and music; . . . with joy and shouting from the foundation to +its roof, I built . . . +</p> + + <p>A Mesopotamian king, who had the genius to conceive the + dazzling idea of communicating with the readers of this distant + generation by taking impressions of carpet tacks on cubes of + unbaked clay is surely entitled to a certain veneration, and + when he associates dancing with such commendable actions as + making porters of his royal captives it is not becoming in us + meaner mortals to set up a contrary opinion. Indeed nothing can + be more certain than that the art of dancing was not regarded + by the ancients generally in the light of a frivolous + accomplishment, nor its practice a thing wherewith to shoo away + a tedious hour. In their minds it evidently had a certain + dignity and elevation, so much so that they associated it with + their ideas (tolerably correct ones, on the whole) of art, + harmony, beauty, truth and religion. With them, dancing bore a + relation to walking and the ordinary movements of the limbs + similar to that which poetry bears to prose, and as our own + Emerson—himself something of an ancient—defines + poetry as the piety of the intellect, so Homer would doubtless + have defined dancing as the devotion of the body if he had had + the unspeakable advantage of a training in the Emerson school + of epigram. Such a view of it is natural to the unsophisticated + pagan mind, and to all minds of clean, wholesome, and simple + understanding. It is only the intellect that has been subjected + to the strain of overwrought religious enthusiasm of the more + sombre sort that can discern a lurking devil in the dance, or + anything but an exhilarating and altogether delightful outward + manifestation of an inner sense of harmony, joy and well being. + Under the stress of morbid feeling, or the overstrain of + religious excitement, coarsely organized natures see or create + something gross and prurient in things intrinsically sweet and + pure, and it happens that when the dance has fallen to their + shaping and direction, as in religious rites, then it has + received its most objectionable development and perversion. But + the grossness of dances devised by the secular mind for + purposes of æsthetic pleasure is all in the censorious critic, + who deserves the same kind of rebuke administered by Dr. + Johnson to Boswell, who asked the Doctor if he considered a + certain nude statue immodest. "No, sir, but your question + is."</p> + + <p>It would be an unfortunate thing, indeed, if the "prurient + prudes" of the meeting houses were permitted to make the laws + by which society should be governed. The same unhappy + psychological condition which makes the dance an unclean thing + in their jaundiced eyes renders it impossible for them to enjoy + art or literature when the subject is natural, the treatment + free and joyous. The ingenuity that can discover an indelicate + provocative in the waltz will have no difficulty in snouting + out all manner of uncleanliness in Shakspeare, Chaucer, + Boccacio—nay, even in the New Testament. It would detect + an unpleasant suggestiveness in the Medicean Venus, and two in + the Dancing Faun. To all such the ordinary functions of life + are impure, the natural man and woman things to blush at, all + the economies of nature full of shocking improprieties.</p> + + <p>In the Primitive Church dancing was a religious rite, no + less than it was under the older dispensation among the Jews. + On the eve of sacred festivals, the young people were + accustomed to assemble, sometimes before the church door, + sometimes in the choir or nave of the church, and dance and + sing hymns in honor of the saint whose festival it was. Easter + Sunday, especially, was so celebrated; and rituals of a + comparatively modern date contain the order in which it is + appointed that the dances are to be performed, and the words of + the hymns to the music of which the youthful devotees flung up + their pious heels But I digress.</p> + + <p>In Plato's time the Greeks held that dancing awakened and + preserved in the soul—as I do not doubt that it + does—the sentiment of harmony and proportion; and in + accordance with this idea Simonides, with a happy knack at + epigram, defined dances as "poems in dumb show."</p> + + <p>In his <i>Republic</i> Plato classifies the Grecian dances + as domestic, designed for relaxation and amusement, military, + to promote strength and activity in battle; and religious, to + accompany the sacred songs at pious festivals. To the last + class belongs the dance which Theseus is said to have + instituted on his return from Crete, after having abated the + Minotaur nuisance. At the head of a noble band of youth, this + public spirited reformer of abuses himself executed his dance. + Theseus as a dancing-master does not much fire the imagination, + it is true, but the incident has its value and purpose in this + dissertation. Theseus called his dance <i>Geranos</i>, or the + "Crane," because its figures resembled those described by that + fowl aflight; and Plutarch fancied he discovered in it a + meaning which one does not so readily discover in Plutarch's + explanation.</p> + + <p>It is certain that, in the time of Anacreon,<a name="FNanchor_A"></a><a href="#Footnote_A" + class="fnanchor">[A]</a> the Greeks loved the dance. That + poet, with frequent repetition, felicitates himself that age + has not deprived him of his skill in it. In Ode LIII, he + declares that in the dance he renews his youth</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When I behold the festive train</span> + <br/> + <span>Of dancing youth, I'm young again</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>And let me, while the wild and young</span> + <br/> + <span>Trip the mazy dance along</span> + <br/> + <span>Fling my heap of years away</span> + <br/> + <span>And be as wild, as young as they</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Moore</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And so in Ode LIX, which seems to be a vintage hymn.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When he whose verging years decline</span> + <br/> + <span>As deep into the vale as mine</span> + <br/> + <span>When he inhales the vintage cup</span> + <br/> + <span>His feet new winged from earth spring up</span> + <br/> + <span>And as he dances the fresh air</span> + <br/> + <span>Plays whispering through his silvery hair</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Id</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode XLVII, he boasts that age has not impaired his relish + for, nor his power of indulgence in, the feast and dance.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Tis true my fading years decline</span> + <br/> + <span>Yet I can quaff the brimming wine</span> + <br/> + <span>As deep as any stripling fair</span> + <br/> + <span>Whose cheeks the flush of morning wear,</span> + <br/> + <span>And if amidst the wanton crew</span> + <br/> + <span>I'm called to wind the dance's clew</span> + <br/> + <span>Then shalt thou see this vigorous hand</span> + <br/> + <span>Not faltering on the Bacchant's wand</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>For though my fading years decay—</span> + <br/> + <span>Though manhood's prime hath passed away,</span> + <br/> + <span>Like old Silenus sire divine</span> + <br/> + <span>With blushes borrowed from the wine</span> + <br/> + <span>I'll wanton mid the dancing tram</span> + <br/> + <span>And live my follies o'er again</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Id</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Cornelius Nepos, I think, mentions among the admirable + qualities of the great Epaminondas that he had an extraordinary + talent for music and dancing. Epaminondas accomplishing his jig + must be accepted as a pleasing and instructive figure in the + history of the dance.</p> + + <p>Lucian says that a dancer must have some skill as an actor, + and some acquaintance with mythology—the reason being + that the dances at the festivals of the gods partook of the + character of pantomime, and represented the most picturesque + events and passages in the popular religion. Religious + knowledge is happily no longer regarded as a necessary + qualification for the dance, and, in point of fact no thing is + commonly more foreign to the minds of those who excel in + it.</p> + + <p>It is related of Aristides the Just that he danced at an + entertainment given by Dionysius the Tyrant, and Plato, who was + also a guest, probably confronted him in the set.</p> + + <p>The "dance of the wine press," described by Longinus, was + originally modest and proper, but seems to have become in the + process of time—and probably by the stealthy + participation of disguised prudes—a kind of <i>can + can</i>.</p> + + <p>In the high noon of human civilization— in the time of + Pericles at Athens—dancing seems to have been regarded as + a civilizing and refining amusement in which the gravest + dignitaries and most renowned worthies joined with indubitable + alacrity, if problematic advantage. Socrates himself—at + an advanced age, too—was persuaded by the virtuous + Aspasia to cut his caper with the rest of them.</p> + + <p>Horace (Ode IX, Book I,) exhorts the youth not to despise + the dance:</p> + + <div class="poem" + style="text-align: center"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Nec dulcis amores</span> + <br/> + <span>Sperne puer, neque tu choreas.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Which may be freely translated thus:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Boy, in Love's game don't miss a trick,</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor be in the dance a walking stick.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode IV, Book I, he says:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Jam Cytherea choros ducit, inminente Luna</span> + <br/> + <span>Junctæque Nymphis Gratiæ decentes</span> + <br/> + <span>Alterno terram quatiunt pede, etc</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>At moonrise, Venus and her joyous band</span> + <br/> + <span>Of Nymphs and Graces leg it o'er the land</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In Ode XXXVI, Book I (supposed to have been written when + Numida returned from the war in Spain, with Augustus, and + referring to which an old commentator says "We may judge with + how much tenderness Horace loved his friends, when he + celebrates their return with sacrifices, songs, and dances") + Horace writes</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota</span> + <br/> + <span>Neu promtæ modus amphoræ</span> + <br/> + <span>Neu morem in Salium sit requies pedum etc.</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Let not the day forego its mark</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor lack the wine jug's honest bark</span> + <br/> + <span>Like Salian priests we'll toss our + toes—</span> + <br/> + <span>Choose partners for the dance—here + goes!</span> + </div> + </div> + +<p> +It has been hastily inferred that, in the time of Cicero, dancing was not held +in good repute among the Romans, but I prefer to consider his ungracious dictum +(in <i>De Amicitia</i>, I think,) "<i>Nemo sobrius saltat</i>"—no sober +man dances—as merely the spiteful and envious fling of a man who could +not himself dance, and am disposed to congratulate the golden youth of the +Eternal City on the absence of the solemn consequential and egotistic orator +from their festivals and merry makings whence his shining talents would have +been so many several justifications for his forcible extrusion. No doubt his +eminence procured him many invitations to balls of the period, and some of +these he probably felt constrained to accept, but it is highly unlikely that he +was often solicited to dance, he probably wiled away the tedious hours of +inaction by instructing the fibrous virgins and gouty bucks in the principles +of jurisprudence. Cicero as a wall flower is an interesting object, and, +turning to another branch of our subject, in this picturesque attitude we leave +him. Left talking. +</p> + + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="CAIRO_REVISITED" id="CAIRO_REVISITED"></a>VI</h2> + + <h3>CAIRO REVISITED</h3> + + <p>Having glanced, briefly, and as through a glass darkly, at + the dance as it existed in the earliest times of which we have + knowledge in the country whence, through devious and partly + obliterated channels, we derived much of our civilization, let + us hastily survey some of its modern methods in the same + region—supplying thereby some small means of comparison + to the reader who may care to note the changes undergone and + the features preserved.</p> + + <p>We find the most notable, if not the only, purely Egyptian + dancer of our time in the <i>Alme</i> or <i>Ghowazee</i>. The + former name is derived from the original calling of this + class—that of reciting poetry to the inmates of the + harem, the latter they acquired by dancing at the festivals of + the Ghors, or Memlooks. Reasonably modest at first, the dancing + of the Alme became, in the course of time, so conspicuously + indelicate that great numbers of the softer sex persuaded + themselves to its acquirement and practice, and a certain + viceregal Prude once contracted the powers of the whole Cairo + contingent of Awalim into the pent up Utica of the town of + Esuch, some five hundred miles removed from the viceregal + dissenting eye. For a brief season the order was enforced, then + the sprightly sinners danced out of bounds, and their + successors can now be found by the foreign student of Egyptian + morals without the fatigue and expense of a long journey up the + Nile.</p> + + <p>The professional dress of the Alme consists of a short + embroidered jacket, fitting closely to the arms and back, but + frankly unreserved in front, long loose trousers of silk + sufficiently opaque somewhat to soften the severity of the + lower limbs, a Cashmere shawl bound about the waist and a light + turban of muslin embroidered with gold. The long black hair, + starred with small coins, falls abundantly over the shoulders. + The eyelids are sabled with kohl, and such other paints, oils, + varnishes and dyestuffs are used as the fair one—who is a + trifle dark, by the way—may have proved for herself, or + accepted on the superior judgment of her European sisters. + Altogether, the girl's outer and visible aspect is not + unattractive to the eye of the traveler, however faulty to the + eye of the traveler's wife. When about to dance, the Alme puts + on a lighter and more diaphanous dress, eschews her slippers, + and with a slow and measured step advances to the centre of the + room—her lithe figure undulating with a grace peculiarly + serpentile. The music is that of a reed pipe or a + tambourine—a number of attendants assisting with + castanets. Perhaps the "argument" of her dance will be a + love-passage with an imaginary young Arab. The coyness of a + first meeting by chance, her gradual warming into passion, their + separation, followed by her tears and dejection the hope of + meeting soon again and, finally, the intoxication of being held + once more in his arms—all are delineated with a fidelity + and detail surprising to whatever of judgment the masculine + spectator may have the good fortune to retain.</p> + + <p>One of the prime favorites is the "wasp dance," allied to + the Tarantella. Although less pleasing in motive than that + described, the wasp dance gives opportunity for movements of + even superior significance—or, as one may say, + suggestures. The girl stands in a pensive posture, her hands + demurely clasped in front, her head poised a little on one + side. Suddenly a wasp is heard to approach, and by her gestures + is seen to have stung her on the breast. She then darts hither + and thither in pursuit of that audacious insect, assuming all + manner of provoking attitudes, until, finally, the wasp having + been caught and miserably exterminated, the girl resumes her + innocent smile and modest pose.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="JAPAN_WEAR_AND_BOMBAY_DUCKS"></a>VII</h2> + + <h3>JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS</h3> + + <p>Throughout Asia, dancing is marked by certain + characteristics which do not greatly differ, save in degree, + among the various peoples who practice it. With few exceptions, + it is confined to the superior sex, and these ladies, I am + sorry to confess, have not derived as great moral advantage + from the monopoly as an advocate of dancing would prefer to + record.</p> + + <p>Dancing—the rhythmical movement of the limbs and body + to music—is, as I have endeavored to point out, + instinctive, hardly a people, savage or refined, but has + certain forms of it. When, from any cause, the men abstain from + its execution it has commonly not the character of grace and + agility as its dominant feature, but is distinguished by soft, + voluptuous movements, suggestive posturing, and all the wiles + by which the performer knows she can best please the other sex, + the most forthright and effective means to that commendable end + being evocation of man's baser nature. The Japanese men are + anti-dancers from necessity of costume, if nothing else, and + the effect is much the same as elsewhere under the same + conditions the women dance, the men gloat and the gods + grieve.</p> + + <p>There are two kinds of dances in Japan, the one not only + lewd, but—to speak with accurate adjustment of word to + fact—beastly, in the other grace is the dominating + element, and decency as cold as a snow storm. Of the former + class, the "Chon Nookee" is the most popular. It is, however, + less a dance than an exhibition, and its patrons are the + wicked, the dissolute and the European. It is commonly given at + some entertainment to which respectable women have not the + condescension to be invited—such as a dinner party of + some wealthy gentleman's gentlemen friends. The dinner-served + on the floor—having been impatiently tucked away, and the + candies, cakes, hot saki and other necessary addenda of a + Japanese dinner brought in, the "Chon Nookee" is demanded, and + with a modest demeanor, worn as becomingly as if it were their + every day habit, the performers glide in, seating themselves + coyly on the floor, in two rows. Each dancing girl is appareled + in such captivating bravery as her purse can buy or her charms + exact. The folds of her varicolored gowns crossing her bosom + makes combinations of rich, warm hues, which it were folly not + to admire and peril to admire too much. The faces of these + girls are in many instances exceedingly pretty, but with that + natural—and, be it humbly submitted, not very + creditable—tendency of the sex to revision and correction + of nature's handiwork, they plaster them with pigments dear to + the sign painter and temper the red glory of their lips with a + bronze preparation which the flattered brass founder would no + doubt deem kissable utterly. The music is made by beating a + drum and twanging a kind of guitar, the musician chanting the + while to an exceedingly simple air words which, in deference to + the possible prejudices of those readers who may be on terms of + familarity with the Japanese language, I have deemed it proper + to omit—with an apology to the Prudes for the absence of + an appendix in which they might be given without offense. (I + had it in mind to insert the music here, but am told by + credible authority that in Japan music is moral or immoral + without reference to the words that may be sung with it. So I + omit—with reluctance—the score, as well as the + words.)</p> + + <p>The chanting having proceeded for a few minutes the girls + take up the song and enter spiritedly into the dance. One + challenges another and at a certain stage of the lively song + with the sharp cry <i>"Hoi!"</i> makes a motion with her hand. + Failure on the part of the other instantaneously and exactly to + copy this gesture entails the forfeiture of a garment, which is + at once frankly removed. Cold and mechanical at the outset, the + music grows spirited as the girls grow nude, and the dancers + themselves become strangely excited as they warm to the work, + taking, the while, generous potations of saki to assist their + enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>Let it not be supposed that in all this there is anything of + passion, it is with these women nothing more that the mere + mental exaltation produced by music, exercise and drink. With + the spectators (I have heard) it fares somewhat otherwise.</p> + + <p>When modesty's last rag has been discarded, the girls as if + suddenly abashed at their own audacity, fly like startled fawns + from the room, leaving their patrons to make a settlement with + conscience and arrange the terms upon which that monitor will + consent to the performance of the rest of the dance. For the + dance proper—or improper—is now about to begin. If + the first part seemed somewhat tropical, comparison with what + follows will acquit it of that demerit. The combinations of the + dance are infinitely varied, and so long as willing witnesses + remain—which, in simple justice to manly fortitude it + should be added, is a good while—so long will the "Chon + Nookee" present a new and unexpected phase, but it is thought + expedient that no more of them be presented here, and if the + reader has done me the honor to have enough of it, we will pass + to the consideration of another class of dances.</p> + + <p>Of this class those most in favor are the Fan and Umbrella + dances, performed, usually, by young girls trained almost from + infancy. The Japanese are passionately fond of these beautiful + exhibitions of grace, and no manner of festivity is + satisfactorily celebrated without them. The musicians, all + girls, commonly six or eight in number, play on the guitar, a + small ivory wand being used, instead of the fingers, to strike + the strings. The dancer, a girl of some thirteen years, is + elaborately habited as a page. Confined by the closely folded + robe as by fetters, the feet and legs are not much used, the + feet, indeed, never leaving the floor. Time is marked by + undulations of the body, waving the arms, and deft manipulation + of the fan. The supple figure bends and sways like a reed in + the wind, advances and recedes, one movement succeeding another + by transitions singularly graceful, the arms describing + innumerable curves, and the fan so skilfully handled as to seem + instinct with a life and liberty of its own. Nothing more pure, + more devoid of evil suggestion, can be imagined. It is a sad + fact that the poor children trained to the execution of this + harmless and pleasing dance are destined, in their riper years, + to give their charms and graces to the service of the devil in + the 'Chon Nookee'. The umbrella dance is similar to the one + just described, the main difference being the use of a small, + gaily colored umbrella in place of the fan.</p> + + <p>Crossing from Japan to China, the Prude will find a + condition of things which, for iron severity of morals, is + perhaps unparalleled—no dancing whatever, by either + profligate or virtuous women. To whatever original cause we may + attribute this peculiarity, it seems eternal, for the women of + the upper classes have an ineradicable habit of so mutilating + their feet that even the polite and comparatively harmless + accomplishment of walking is beyond their power, those of the + lower orders have not sense enough to dance, and that men + should dance alone is a proposition of such free and forthright + idiocy as to be but obscurely conceivable to any understanding + not having the gift of maniacal inspiration, or the normal + advantage of original incapacity. Altogether, we may rightly + consider China the heaven appointed <i>habitat</i> of people + who dislike the dance.</p> + + <p>In Siam, what little is known of dancing is confined to the + people of Laos. The women are meek eyed, spiritless creatures, + crushed under the heavy domination of the stronger sex. + Naturally, their music and dancing are of a plaintive, almost + doleful character, not without a certain cloying sweetness, + however. The dancing is as graceful as the pudgy little bodies + of the women are capable of achieving—a little more + pleasing than the capering of a butcher's block, but not quite + so much so as that of a wash tub. Its greatest merit is the + steely rigor of its decorum. The dancers, however, like + ourselves, are a shade less appallingly proper off the floor + than on it.</p> + + <p>In no part of the world, probably, is the condition of women + more consummately deplorable than in India, and, in + consequence, nowhere than in the dances of that country is + manifested a more simple unconsciousness or frank disregard of + decency. As by nature, and according to the light that is in + him, the Hindu is indolent and licentious, so, in accurately + matching degree, are the dancing girls innocent of morality, + and uninfected with shame. It would be difficult, more keenly + to insult a respectable Hindu woman than to accuse her of + having danced, while the man who should affect the society of + the females justly so charged would incur the lasting + detestation of his race. The dancing girls are of two orders of + infamy—those who serve in the temples, and are hence + called Devo Dasi, slaves of the gods, and the Nautch girls, who + dance in a secular sort for hire. Frequently a mother will make + a vow to dedicate her unborn babe, if it have the obedience to + be a girl, to the service of some particular god, in this way, + and by the daughters born to themselves, are the ranks of the + Devo Dasi recruited. The sons of these miserable creatures are + taught to play upon musical instruments for their mothers and + sisters to dance by. As the ordinary Hindu woman is careless + about the exposure of her charms, so these dancers take + intelligent and mischievous advantage of the social situation + by immodestly concealing their own. The Devo Dasi actually go + to the length of wearing clothes! Each temple has a band of + eight or ten of these girls, who celebrate their saltatory + rites morning and evening. Advancing at the head of the + religious procession, they move themselves in an easy and + graceful manner, with gradual transition to a more sensuous and + voluptuous motion, suiting their action to the religious frame + of mind of the devout until their well-rounded limbs and lithe + figures express a degree of piety consonant with the purpose of + the particular occasion. They attend all public ceremonies and + festivals, executing their audacious dances impartially for + gods and men.</p> + + <p>The Nautch girls are purchased in infancy, and as carefully + trained in their wordly way as the Devo Dasi for the diviner + function, being about equally depraved. All the large cities + contain full sets of these girls, with attendant musicians, + ready for hire at festivals of any kind, and by leaving orders + parties are served at their residences with fidelity and + dispatch. Commonly they dance two at a time, but frequently + some wealthy gentleman will secure the services of a hundred or + more to assist him through the day without resorting to + questionable expedients of time-killing. Their dances require + strict attention, from the circumstance that their + feet—like those of the immortal equestrienne of Banbury + Cross—are hung with small bells, which must be made to + sound in concert with the notes of the musicians. In attitude + and gesture they are almost as bad as their pious sisters of + the temples. The endeavor is to express the passions of love, + hope, jealousy, despair, etc, and they eke out this mimicry + with chanted songs in every way worthy of the movements of + which they are the explanatory notes. These are the only women + in Hindustan whom it is thought worth while to teach to read + and write. If they would but make as noble use of their + intellectual as they do of their physical education, they might + perhaps produce books as moral as <i>The Dance of + Death</i>.</p> + + <p>In Persia and Asia Minor, the dances and dancers are nearly + alike. In both countries the Georgian and Circassian slaves who + have been taught the art of pleasing, are bought by the wealthy + for their amusement and that of their wives and concubines. + Some of the performances are pure in motive and modest in + execution, but most of them are interesting otherwise. The + beautiful young Circassian slave, clad in loose robes of + diaphanous texture, takes position, castanets in hand, on a + square rug, and to the music of a kind of violin goes through + the figures of her dance, her whiteness giving her an added + indelicacy which the European spectator misses in the capering + of her berry brown sisters in sin of other climes.</p> + + <p>The dance of the Georgian is more spirited. Her dress is a + brief skirt reaching barely to the knees and a low cut chemise. + In her night black hair is wreathed a bright red scarf or + string of pearls. The music, at first low and slow increases by + degrees in rapidity and volume, then falls away almost to + silence, again swells and quickens and so alternates, the + motions of the dancer's willowy and obedient figure accurately + according now seeming to swim languidly, and anon her little + feet having their will of her, and fluttering in midair like a + couple of birds. She is an engaging creature, her ways are ways + of pleasantness, but whether all her paths are peace depends + somewhat, it is reasonable to conjecture, upon the + circumspection of her daily walk and conversation when + relegated to the custody of her master's wives.</p> + + <p>In some parts of Persia the dancing of boys appareled as + women is held in high favor, but exactly what wholesome human + sentiment it addresses I am not prepared to say.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="IN_THE_BOTTOM_OF_THE_CRUCIBLE"></a>VIII</h2> + + <h3>IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE</h3> + + <p>From the rapid and imperfect review of certain + characteristic oriental dances in the chapters immediately + preceding—or rather from the studies some of whose minor + results those chapters embody—I make deduction of a few + significant facts, to which facts of contrary significance seem + exceptional. In the first place, it is to be noted that in + countries where woman is conspicuously degraded the dance is + correspondingly depraved. By "the dance," I mean, of course, + those characteristic and typical performances which have + permanent place in the social life of the people. Amongst all + nations the dance exists in certain loose and unrecognized + forms, which are the outgrowth of the moment—creatures of + caprice, posing and pranking their brief and inglorious season, + to be superseded by some newer favorite, born of some newer + accident or fancy. A fair type of these ephemeral + dances—the comets of the saltatory system—in so far + as they can have a type, is the now familiar <i>Can-Can</i> of + the Jardin Mabille—a dance the captivating naughtiness of + which has given it wide currency in our generation, the + successors to whose aged rakes and broken bawds it will fail to + please and would probably make unhappy. Dances of this + character, neither national, universal, nor enduring, have + little value to the student of anything but anatomy and + lingerie. By study of a thousand, the product of as many years, + it might be possible to trace the thread upon which such beads + are strung—indeed, it is pretty obvious without research; + but considered singly they have nothing of profit to the + investigator, who will do well to contemplate without + reflection or perform without question, as the bent of his mind + may be observant or experimental.</p> + + <p>Dancing, then, is indelicate where the women are depraved, + and to this it must be added that the women are depraved where + the men are indolent. We need not trouble ourselves to consider + too curiously as to cause and effect. Whether in countries + where man is too lazy to be manly, woman practices deferential + adjustment of her virtues to the loose exactions of his + tolerance, or whether for ladies of indifferent modesty their + lords will not make exertion—these are questions for the + ethnologer. It concerns our purpose only to note that the male + who sits cross-legged on a rug and permits his female to do the + dancing for both gets a quality distinctly inferior to that + enjoyed by his more energetic brother, willing himself to take + a leg at the game. Doubtless the lazy fellow prefers the loose + gamboling of nude girls to the decent grace and moderation of a + better art, but this, I submit, is an error of taste resulting + from imperfect instruction.</p> + + <p>And here we are confronted with the ever recurrent question. + Is dancing immoral? The reader who has done me the honor + attentively to consider the brief descriptions of certain + dances, hereinbefore presented will, it is believed, be now + prepared to answer that some sorts of dancing indubitably + are—a bright and shining example of the type being the + exploit wherein women alone perform and men alone admire. But + one of the arguments by which it is sought to prove dancing + immoral in itself—namely that it provokes evil + passions—we are now able to analyze with the necessary + discrimination, assigning to it its just weight, and tracing + its real bearing on the question. Dances like those described + (with, I hope a certain delicacy and reticence) are undoubtedly + disturbing to the spectator. They have in that circumstance + their <i>raison d'être</i>. As to that, then, there can be no + two opinions. But observe the male oriental voluptuary does not + himself dance. Why? Partly no doubt, because of his immortal + indolence, but mainly, I venture to think, because he wishes to + enjoy his reprehensible emotion, and this can not coexist with + muscular activity If the reader—through either immunity + from improper emotion or unfamiliarity with muscular + activity—entertains a doubt of this, his family physician + will be happy to remove it. Nothing is more certain than that + the dancing girls of oriental countries themselves feel nothing + of what they have the skill to simulate, and the ballet dancer + of our own stage is icily unconcerned while kicking together + the smouldering embers in the heart of the wigged and corseted + old beau below her, and playing the duse's delight with the + disobedient imagination of the he Prude posted in the nooks and + shadows thoughtfully provided for him. Stendahl frankly informs + us, "I have had much experience with the <i>danseuses</i> of + the —— Theatre at Valence. I am convinced that they + are, for the most part, very chaste. It is because their + occupation is too fatiguing."</p> + + <p>The same author, by the way, says elsewhere</p> + +<p class="letter"> +I would wish if I were legislator that they should adopt in France as in +Germany the custom of <i>soirées dansantes</i>. Four times a month the young +girls go with their mothers to a ball beginning at seven o'clock, ending at +midnight and requiring for all expense, a violin and some glasses of water. In +an adjacent room, the mothers perhaps a little jealous of the happy education +of their daughters play at cards, in a third the fathers find the newspapers +and talk politics. Between midnight and one o'clock all the family are reunited +and have regained the paternal roof. The young girls learn to know the young +men, the fatuity, and the indiscretion that follows it, become quickly odious, +in a word they learn how to choose a husband. Some young girls have unfortunate +love affairs, but the number of deceived husbands and unhappy households +(<i>mauvaises ménages</i>) diminishes in immense proportion. +</p> + + <p>For an iron education in cold virtue there is no school like + the position of sitting master to the wall flowers at a church + sociable, but it is humbly conjectured that even the austere + morality of a bald headed Prude might receive an added iciness + if he would but attend one of these simple dancing bouts + disguised as a sweet young girl.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="COUNSEL_FOR_THE_DEFENSE"></a>IX</h2> + + <h3>COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE</h3> + + <p>Nearly all the great writers of antiquity and of the + medieval period who have mentioned dancing at all have done so + in terms of unmistakable favor; of modern famous authors, they + only have condemned it from whose work, or from what is known + of their personal character, we may justly infer an equal + aversion to pretty much everything in the way of pleasure that + a Christian needs not die in order to enjoy. English + literature—I use the word in its noble sense, to exclude + all manner of preaching, whether clerical or lay—is full + of the dance; the sound of merry makers footing it featly to + the music runs like an undertone through all the variations of + its theme and fills all its pauses.</p> + + <p>In the "Miller's Tale," Chaucer mentions dancing among the + accomplishments of the parish clerk, along with blood letting + and the drawing of legal documents:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A merry child he was so God me save,</span> + <br/> + <span>Wel coud he leten blood and clippe and + shave,</span> + <br/> + <span>And make a chartre of land, and a + quitance,</span> + <br/> + <span>In twenty maners could he trip and dance,</span> + <br/> + <span>After the scole of Oxenforde tho</span> + <br/> + <span>And with his legges casten to and fro<a name="FNanchor_B"></a><a href="#Footnote_B" + class="fnanchor">[B]</a></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Milton, the greatest of the Puritans—intellectual + ancestry of the modern degenerate Prudes—had a wholesome + love of the dance, and nowhere is his pen so joyous as in its + description in the well known passage from "Comus" which, + should it occur to my memory while delivering a funeral + oration, I am sure I could not forbear to quote, albeit this, + our present argument, is but little furthered by its + context</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Meanwhile welcome joy and feast</span> + <br/> + <span>Midnight shout and revelry</span> + <br/> + <span>Tipsy dance and jollity</span> + <br/> + <span>Braid your locks with rosy twine</span> + <br/> + <span>Dropping odors dropping wine</span> + <br/> + <span>Rigor now is gone to bed</span> + <br/> + <span>And advice with scrupulous head</span> + <br/> + <span>Strict age and sour severity</span> + <br/> + <span>With their grave saws in slumber lie</span> + <br/> + <span>We that are of purer fire</span> + <br/> + <span>Imitate the starry quire</span> + <br/> + <span>Who in their nightly watching spheres</span> + <br/> + <span>Lead in swift round the months and years</span> + <br/> + <span>The sounds and seas with all their finny + drove</span> + <br/> + <span>And on the tawny sands and shelves</span> + <br/> + <span>Trip the pert fairies and the dapper elves</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If Milton was not himself a good dancer—and as to that + point my memory is unstored with instance or authority—it + will at least be conceded that he was an admirable reporter, + with his heart in the business. Somewhat to lessen the force of + the objection that he puts the foregoing lines into a not very + respectable mouth, on a not altogether reputable occasion, I + append the following passage from the same poem, supposed to be + spoken by the good spirit who had brought a lady and her two + brothers through many perils, restoring them to their + parents:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Noble lord and lady bright</span> + <br/> + <span>I have brought ye new delight</span> + <br/> + <span>Here behold so goodly grown</span> + <br/> + <span>Three fair branches of your own</span> + <br/> + <span>Heaven hath timely tried their youth</span> + <br/> + <span>Their faith their patience and their truth</span> + <br/> + <span>And sent them here through hard assays</span> + <br/> + <span>With a crown of deathless praise</span> + <br/> + <span>To triumph in victorious dance</span> + <br/> + <span>O'er sensual folly and intemperance</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The lines on dancing—lines which themselves + dance—in "L'Allegro," are too familiar, I dare not permit + myself the enjoyment of quotation.</p> + + <p>Lord Herbert of Cherbury, one of the most finished gentlemen + of his time, otherwise laments in his autobiography that he had + never learned to dance because that accomplishment "doth + fashion the body, and gives one a good presence and address in + all companies since it disposeth the limbs to a kind of + <i>souplesse</i> (as the French call it) and agility insomuch + as they seem to have the use of their legs, arms, and bodies + more than many others who, standing stiff and stark in their + postures, seem as if they were taken in their joints, or had + not the perfect use of their members." Altogether, a very grave + objection to dancing in the opinion of those who discountenance + it, and I take great credit for candor in presenting his + lordship's indictment.</p> + + <p>In the following pertinent passage from Lemontey I do not + remember the opinion he quotes from Locke, but his own is + sufficiently to the point:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The dance is for young women what the chase is for young men: a protecting +school of wisdom—a preservative of the growing passions. The celebrated +Locke who made virtue the sole end of education, expressly recommends teaching +children to dance as early as they are able to learn. Dancing carries within +itself an eminently cooling quality and all over the world the tempests of the +heart await to break forth the repose of the limbs. +</p> + + <p>In "The Traveller," Goldsmith says:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Alike all ages dames of ancient days</span> + <br/> + <span>Have led their children through the mirthful + maze</span> + <br/> + <span>And the gay grandsire skilled in gestic + lore</span> + <br/> + <span>Has frisked beneath the burden of three + score.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>To the Prudes, in all soberness—Is it likely, + considering the stubborn conservatism of age, that these dames, + well seasoned in the habit, will leave it off directly, or the + impenitent old grandsire abate one jot or tittle of his + friskiness in the near future? Is it a reasonable hope? Is the + outlook from the watch towers of Philistia an encouraging + one?</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="THEY_ALL_DANCE" id="THEY_ALL_DANCE"></a>X</h2> + + <h3>THEY ALL DANCE</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Fountains dance down to the river,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Rivers to the ocean</span> + <br/> + <span>Summer leaflets dance and quiver</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">To the breeze's motion</span> + <br/> + <span>Nothing in the world is single—</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">All things by a simple rule</span> + <br/> + <span>Nods and steps and graces mingle</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">As at dancing school</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span>See the shadows on the mountain</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Pirouette with one another</span> + <br/> + <span>See the leaf upon the fountain</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Dances with its leaflet + brother</span> + <br/> + <span>See the moonlight on the earth</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Flecking forest gleam and + glance!</span> + <br/> + <span>What are all these dancings worth</span> + <span class="i2">If I may not dance?</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30"><i>—After Shelley</i></span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Dance? Why not? The dance is natural, it is innocent, + wholesome, enjoyable. It has the sanction of religion, + philosophy, science. It is approved by the sacred writings of + all ages and nations—of Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity, + Islam, of Zoroaster and Confucius. Not an altar, from Jupiter + to Jesus, around which the votaries have not danced with + religious zeal and indubitable profit to mind and body. Fire + worshipers of Persia and Peru danced about the visible sign and + manifestation to their deity. Dervishes dance in frenzy, and + the Shakers jump up and come down hard through excess of the + Spirit. All the gods have danced with all the + goddesses—round dances, too. The lively divinities + created by the Greeks in their own image danced divinely, as + became them. Old Thor stormed and thundered down the icy halls + of the Scandinavian mythology to the music of runic rhymes, and + the souls of slain heroes in Valhalla take to their toes in + celebration of their valorous deeds done in the body upon the + bodies of their enemies. Angels dance before the Great White + Throne to harps attuned by angel hands, and the Master of the + Revels—who arranges the music of the spheres—looks + approvingly on. Dancing is of divine institution.</p> + + <p>The elves and fairies "dance delicate measures" in the light + of the moon and stars. The troll dances his gruesome jig on + lonely hills: the gnome executes his little pigeon wing in the + obscure subterrene by the glimmer of a diamond. Nature's + untaught children dance in wood and glade, stimulated of leg by + the sunshine with which they are soaken top full—the same + quickening emanation that inspires the growing tree and + upheaves the hill. And, if I err not, there is sound Scripture + for the belief that these self same eminences have capacity to + skip for joy. The peasant dances—a trifle + clumsily—at harvest feast when the grain is garnered. The + stars in heaven dance visibly, the firefly dances in emulation + of the stars. The sunshine dances on the waters. The humming + bird and the bee dance about the flowers which dance to the + breeze. The innocent lamb, type of the White Christ, dances on + the green, and the matronly cow perpetrates an occasional stiff + enormity when she fancies herself unobserved. All the sportive + rollickings of all the animals, from the agile fawn to the + unwieldly behemoth are dances taught them by nature.</p> + + <p>I am not here making an argument for dancing, I only assert + its goodness, confessing its abuse. We do not argue the + wholesomeness of sunshine and cold water, we assert it, + admitting that sunstroke is mischievous and that copious + potations of freezing water will founder a superheated horse, + and urge the hot blood to the head of an imprudent man + similarly prepared, killing him, as is right. We do not build + syllogisms to prove that grains and fruits of the earth are of + God's best bounty to man; we allow that bad whisky + may—with difficulty—be distilled from rye to spoil + the toper's nose, and that hydrocyanic acid can be got out of + the bloomy peach. It were folly to prove that Science and + Invention are our very good friends, yet the sapper who has had + the misfortune to be blown to rags by the mine he was preparing + for his enemy will not deny that gunpowder has aptitudes of + mischief; and from the point of view of a nigger ordered upon + the safety-valve of a racing steamboat, the vapor of water is a + thing accurst. Shall we condemn music because the lute makes + "lascivious pleasing?" Or poetry because some amorous bard + tells in warm rhyme the story of the passions, and Swinburne + has had the goodness to make vice offensive with his hymns in + its praise? Or sculpture because from the guiltless marble may + be wrought a drunken Silenus or a lechering + satyr?—painting because the untamed fancies of a painter + sometimes break tether and run riot on his canvas? Because the + orator may provoke the wild passions of the mob, shall there be + no more public speaking?—no further acting because the + actor may be pleased to saw the air, or the actress display her + ultimate inch of leg? Shall we upset the pulpit because poor + dear Mr. Tilton had a prettier wife than poor, dear Mr. + Beecher? The bench had its Jeffrey, yet it is necessary that we + have the deliveries of judgment between ourselves and the + litigious. The medical profession has nursed poisoners enough + to have baned all the rats of christendom; but the resolute + patient must still have his prescription—if he die for + it. Shall we disband our armies because in the hand of an + ambitious madman a field-marshal's baton may brain a helpless + State?—our navies because in ships pirates have "sailed + the seas over?" Let us not commit the vulgarity of condemning + the dance because of its possibilities of perversion by the + vicious and the profligate. Let us not utter us in hot bosh and + baking nonsense, but cleave to reason and the sweet sense of + things.</p> + + <p>Dancing never made a good girl bad, nor turned a wholesome + young man to evil ways. "Opportunity!" simpers the tedious + virgin past the wall-flower of her youth. "Opportunity!" + cackles the <i>blasé</i> beau who has outlasted his legs and + gone deaconing in a church.</p> + + <p>Opportunity, indeed! There is opportunity in church and + school-room, in social intercourse. There is opportunity in + libraries, art-galleries, picnics, street-cars, Bible-classes + and at fairs and matinées. Opportunity—rare, delicious + opportunity, not innocently to be ignored—in moonlight + rambles by still streams. Opportunity, such as it is, behind + the old gentleman's turned back, and beneath the good mother's + spectacled nose. You shall sooner draw out leviathan with a + hook, or bind Arcturus and his sons, than baffle the upthrust + of Opportunity's many heads. Opportunity is a veritable Hydra, + Argus and Briareus rolled into one. He has a hundred heads to + plan his poachings, a hundred eyes to spy the land, a hundred + hands to set his snares and springes. In the country where + young girls are habitually unattended in the street; where the + function of chaperon is commonly, and, it should be added, + intelligently performed by some capable young male; where the + young women receive evening calls from young men concerning + whose presence in the parlor mamma in the nursery and papa at + the "office"—poor, overworked papa!—give themselves + precious little trouble,—this prate of ball-room + opportunity is singularly and engagingly idiotic. The worthy + people who hold such language may justly boast themselves + superior to reason and impregnable to light. The only effective + reply to these creatures would be a cuffing, the well meant + objections of another class merit the refutation of distinct + characterization. It is the old talk of devotees about sin, of + topers concerning water, temperance men of gin, and albeit it + is neither wise nor witty, it is becoming in us at whom they + rail to deal mercifully with them. In some otherwise estimable + souls one of these harmless brain cracks may be a right lovable + trait of character.</p> + + <p>Issues of a social import as great as a raid against dancing + have been raised ere now. Will the coming man smoke? Will the + coming man drink wine? These tremendous and imperative problems + only recently agitated some of the "thoughtful minds" in our + midst. By degrees they lost their preeminence, they were seen + to be in process of solution without social cataclysm, they + have, in a manner been referred for disposal to the coming man + himself, that is to say, they have been dropped, and are to-day + as dead as Julius Cæsar. The present hour has, in its turn, + produced its own awful problem: Will the coming woman + waltz?</p> + + <p>As a question of mere fact the answer is patent: She will. + Dancing will be good for her; she will like it; so she is going + to waltz. But the question may rather be put—to borrow + phraseology current among her critics: Had she + oughter?—from a moral point of view, now. From a moral + point, then, let us seek from analogy some light on the + question of what, from its actual, practical bearings, may be + dignified by the name Conundrum.</p> + + <p>Ought a man not to smoke?—from a moral point of view. + The economical view-point, the view-point of convenience, and + all the rest of them, are not now in question; the simple + question is: Is it immoral to smoke? And again—still from + the moral point of view: Is it immoral to drink wine? Is it + immoral to play at cards?—to visit theaters? (In Boston + you go to some</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i20">harmless "Museum,"</span> + <br/> + <span>Where folks who like plays may religiously see + 'em.)</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Finally, then—and always from the same elevated + view-point: Is it immoral to waltz?</p> + + <p>The suggestions here started will not be further pursued in + this place. It is quite pertinent now to note that we do smoke + because we like it; and do drink wine because we like it; and + do waltz because we like it, and have the added consciousness + that it is a duty. I am sorry for a + fellow-creature—male—who knows not the comfort of a + cigar; sorry and concerned for him who is innocent of the + knowledge of good and evil that lurk respectively in Chambertin + and cheap "claret." Nor is my compassion altogether free from a + sense of superiority to the object of it—superiority + untainted, howbeit, by truculence. I perceive that life has + been bestowed upon him for purposes inscrutable to me, though + dimly hinting its own justification as a warning or awful + example. So, too, of the men and women—"beings erect, and + walking upon two [uneducated] legs"—whose unsophisticated + toes have never, inspired by the rosy, threaded the labyrinth + of the mazy ere courting the kindly offices of the balmy. It is + only human to grieve for them, poor things!</p> + + <p>But if their throbbing bunions, encased in clumsy high-lows, + be obtruded to trip us in our dance, shall we not stamp on + them? Yea, verily, while we have a heel to crunch with and a + leg to grind it home.</p> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="LUST_QUOTH_A" id="LUST_QUOTH_A"></a>XI</h2> + + <h3>LUST, QUOTH'A!</h3> + + <p>You have danced? Ah, good. You have waltzed? Better. You + have felt the hot blood hound through your veins, as your + beautiful partner, compliant to the lightest pressure of your + finger-tips, her breath responsive, matched her every motion + with yours? Best of all—for you have served in the + temple—you are of the priesthood of manhood. You cannot + misunderstand, you will not deliver false oracle.</p> + + <p>Do you remember your first waltz with the lovely woman whom + you had longed like a man but feared like a boy to + touch—even so much as the hem of her garment? Can you + recall the time, place and circumstance? Has not the very first + bar of the music that whirled you away been singing itself in + your memory ever since? Do you recall the face you then looked + into, the eyes that seemed deeper than a mountain tarn, the + figure that you clasped, the beating of the heart, the warm + breath that mingled with your own? Can you faintly, as in a + dream—<i>blasé</i> old dancer that you are—invoke a + reminiscence of the delirium that stormed your soul, expelling + the dull demon in possession? Was it lust, as the Prudes + aver—the poor dear Prudes, with the feel of the cold wall + familiar to the leathery backs of them?</p> + + <p>It was the gratification—the decent, honorable, legal + gratification—of the passion for rhythm; the + unconditional surrender to the supreme law of periodicity, + under conditions of exact observance by all external things. + The notes of the music repeat and supplement each other; the + lights burn with answering flame at sequent distances; the + walls, the windows, doors, mouldings, frescoes, iterate their + lines, their levels, and panels, interminable of combination + and similarity; the inlaid floor matches its angles, multiplies + its figures, does over again at this point what it did at that; + the groups of dancers deploy in couples, aggregate in groups, + and again deploy, evoking endless resemblances. And all this + rhythm and recurrence, borne in upon the brain—itself + rhythmic—through intermittent senses, is converted into + motion, and the mind, yielding utterly to its environment, + knows the happiness of faith, the ecstasy of compliance, the + rapture of congruity. And this the dull dunces—the + eyeless, earless, brainless and bloodless callosites of + cavil—are pleased to call lust!</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O ye, who teach the ingenuous youth of + nations</span> <span class="i2">The Boston Dip, the + German and the Glide,</span> + <br/> + <span>I pray you guard them upon all occasions</span> + <span class="i2">From contact of the palpitating + side;</span> + <br/> + <span>Requiring that their virtuous gyrations</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Shall interpose a space a furlong + wide</span> + <br/> + <span>Between the partners, lest their thoughts grow + lewd—</span> + <br/> + <span>So shall we satisfy the exacting Prude.</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i30">—<i>Israfel Brown</i>.</span> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="OUR_GRANDMOTHERS_LEGS"></a>XII</h2> + + <h3>OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS</h3> + + <p>It is depressing to realize how little most of us know of + the dancing of our ancestors. I would give value to behold the + execution of a coranto and inspect the steps of a cinque-pace, + having assurance that the performances assuming these names + were veritably identical with their memorable originals. We + possess the means of verifying somewhat as to the nature of the + minuet; but after what fashion did our revered grandfather do + his rigadoon and his gavot? What manner of thing was that + pirouet in the deft execution of which he felt an honest + exultation? And what were the steps of his contra (or country) + and Cossack dances? What tune was that—"The Devil amongst + the Fiddlers"—for which he clamored, to inspire his feats + of leg?</p> + + <p>In our fathers' time we read:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +I wore my blue coat and brass buttons, very high in the neck, short in the +waist and sleeves, nankeen trousers and white silk stockings, and a white +waistcoat. I performed all the steps accurately and with great agility. +</p> + + <p>Which, it appears, gained the attention of the company. And + it well might, for the year was 1830, and the mode of + performing the cotillion of the period was undergoing the + metamorphosis of which the perfect development has been + familiar to ourselves. In its next stage the male celebrant is + represented to us as "hopping about with a face expressive of + intense solemnity, dancing as if a quadrille"—mark the + newer word—"were not a thing to be laughed at, but a + severe trial to the feelings." There is a smack of ancient + history about this, too; it lurks in the word "hopping." In the + perfected development of this dance as known to ourselves, no + stress of caricature would describe the movement as a hopping. + But our grandfather not only hopped, he did more. He sprang + from the floor and quivered. In midair he crossed his feet + twice and even three times, before alighting. And our budding + grandmother beheld, and experienced flutterings of the bosom at + his manly achievements. Some memory of these feats survived in + the performances of the male ballet-dancers—a breed now + happily extinct. A fine old lady—she lives, aged + eighty-two—showed me once the exercise of "setting to + your partner," performed in her youth; and truly it was right + marvelous. She literally bounced hither and thither, effecting + a twisting in and out of the feet, a patting and a flickering + of the toes incredibly intricate. For the celebration of these + rites her partner would array himself in morocco pumps with + cunningly contrived buckles of silver, silk stockings, + salmon-colored silk breeches tied with abundance of riband, + exuberant frills, or "chitterlings," which puffed out at the + neck and bosom not unlike the wattles of a he-turkey; and under + his arms—as the fowl roasted might have carried its + gizzard—our grandfather pressed the flattened simulacrum + of a cocked hat. At this interval of time charity requires us + to drop over the lady's own costume a veil that, tried by our + canons of propriety, it sadly needed. She was young and + thoughtless, the good grandmother; she was conscious of the + possession of charms and concealed them not.</p> + + <p>To the setting of these costumes, manners and practices, + there was imported from Germany a dance called Waltz, which as + I conceive, was the first of our "round" dances. It was + welcomed by most persons who could dance, and by some superior + souls who could not. Among the latter, the late Lord + Byron—whose participation in the dance was barred by an + unhappy physical disability—addressed the new-comer in + characteristic verse. Some of the lines in this ingenious + nobleman's apostrophe are not altogether intelligible, when + applied to any dance that we know by the name of waltz. For + example:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Pleased round the chalky floor, how well they + trip,</span> + <br/> + <span>One hand<a name="FNanchor_C"></a><a href="#Footnote_C" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> reposing on the royal + hip,</span> + <br/> + <span>The other to the shoulder no less royal</span> + <br/> + <span>Ascending with affection truly loyal.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>These lines imply an attitude unknown to contemporary + waltzers, but the description involves no poetic license. Our + dear grandmothers (giddy, giddy girls!) did their waltz that + way. Let me quote:</p> + +<p class="letter"> +The lady takes the gentleman round the neck with one arm, resting against his +shoulder. During the motion, the dancers are continually changing their +relative situations: now the gentleman brings his arm about the lady's neck, +and the lady takes him round the waist. +</p> + + <p>At another point, the lady may "lean gently on his + shoulder," their arms (as it appears) "entwining." This + description is by an eyewitness, whose observation is taken, + not at the rather debauched court of the Prince Regent, but at + the simple republican assemblies of New York. The observer is + the gentle Irving, writing in 1807. Occasional noteworthy + experiences they must have had—those modest, blooming + grandmothers—for, it is to be borne in mind, tipsiness + was rather usual with dancing gentlemen in the fine old days of + Port and Madeira; and the blithe, white-armed grandmothers + themselves did sip their punch, to a man. However, we may + forbear criticism. We, at least, owe nothing but reverent + gratitude to a generation from which we derive life, waltzing + and the memory of Madeira. Even when read, as it needs should + be read, in the light of that prose description of the dance to + which it was addressed, Lord Byron's welcome to the waltz will + be recognized as one more illustration of a set of hoary and + moss-grown truths.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>As parlor-soldiers, graced with + fancy-scars,</span> + <br/> + <span>Rehearse their bravery in imagined wars;</span> + <br/> + <span>As paupers, gathered in congenial flocks,</span> + <br/> + <span>Babble of banks, insurances, and stocks;</span> + <br/> + <span>As each if oft'nest eloquent of what</span> + <br/> + <span>He hates or covets, but possesses not;</span> + <br/> + <span>As cowards talk of pluck; misers of waste;</span> + <br/> + <span>Scoundrels of honor; country clowns of + taste;</span> + <br/> + <span>Ladies of logic; devotees of sin;</span> + <br/> + <span>Topers of water; temperance men of + gin—</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>my lord Byron sang of waltzing. Let us forgive + and—remembering his poor foot—pity him. Yet the + opinions of famous persons possess an interest that is akin, in + the minds of many plain folk, to weight. Let us, then, incline + an ear to another: "Laura was fond of waltzing, as every brisk + and innocent young girl should be," wrote he than who none has + written more nobly in our time—he who "could appreciate + good women and describe them; and draw them more truly than any + novelist in the language, except Miss Austen." The same + sentiment with reference to dancing appears in many places in + his immortal pages. In his younger days as <i>attaché</i> of + legation in Germany, Mr. Thackeray became a practiced waltzer. + As a censor he thus possesses over Lord Byron whatever + advantage may accrue from knowledge of the subject whereof he + wrote.</p> + + <p>We are happily not called upon to institute a comparison of + character between the two distinguished moralists, though the + same, drawn masterly, might not be devoid of entertainment and + instruction. But two or three other points of distinction + should be kept in mind as having sensible relation to the + question of competency to bear witness. Byron wrote of the + women of a corrupted court; Thackeray of the women of that + society indicated by the phrase "Persons whom one + meets"—and meets <i>now</i>. Byron wrote of an obsolete + dance, described by Irving in terms of decided strength; + Thackeray wrote of our own waltz. In turning off his brilliant + and witty verses it is unlikely that any care as to their + truthfulness disturbed the glassy copiousness of the Byronic + utterance; this child of nature did never consider too + curiously of justice, moderation and such inventions of the + schools. The key-note of all the other wrote is given by his + faithful pen when it avers that it never "signed the page that + registered a lie." Byron was a "gentleman of wit and pleasure + about town"; Thackeray the father of daughters. However, all + this is perhaps little to the purpose. We owe no trifling debt + to Lord Byron for his sparkling and spirited lines, and by no + good dancer would they be "willingly let die." Poetry, music, + dancing—they are one art. The muses are sisters, yet they + do not quarrel. Of a truth, even as was Laura, so every brisk + and innocent young girl should be. And it is safe to predict + that she will be. If she would enjoy the advantage of belonging + to Our Set she must be.</p> + + <p>As a rule, the ideas of the folk who cherish a prejudice + against dancing are crude rather than unclean—the outcome + much more of ignorance than salacity. Of course there are + exceptions. In my great work on The Prude all will be attended + to with due discrimination in apportionment of censure. At + present the spirit of the dance makes merry with my pen, for + from yonder "stately pleasure-dome" (decreed by one Kubla Khan, + formerly of The Big Bonanza Mining Company) the strains of the + <i>Blue Danube</i> float out upon the night. Avaunt, + miscreants! lest we chase ye with flying feet and do our little + dance upon your unwholesome carcasses. Already the toes of our + partners begin to twiddle beneath their petticoats. Come, then, + Stoopid—can't you move? No!—they change it to a + galop—and eke the good old Sturm. Firm and steady, now, + fair partner mine, whiles we run that <i>gobemouche</i> down + and trample him miserably. There: light and softly + again—the servants will remove the remains.</p> + + <p>And hark! that witching strain once more:</p> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/image002.jpg" + width="480" + height="497" + alt="Music tablature" /> + </div> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2><a name="EPIGRAMS" id="EPIGRAMS"></a>EPIGRAMS</h2> + <hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <p>If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his + leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow + by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.</p> + + <p>To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit + of Evil, and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to + represent the note of interrogation.</p> + + <p>"Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling + lamb.</p> + + <p>In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your + magnanimity be construed as indifference.</p> + + <p>True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.</p> + + <p>Age is provident because the less future we have the more we + fear it.</p> + + <p>Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and + the needle forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and + never intermits. Since it has been found that the axis of the + earth wabbles, stupidity is indispensable as a standard of + constancy.</p> + + <p>In order that the list of able women may be memorized for + use at meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately + made it brief.</p> + + <p>Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A little heap of dust,</span> + <br/> + <span>A little streak of rust,</span> + <br/> + <span>A stone without a name—</span> + <br/> + <span>Lo! hero, sword and fame.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to + woman's lack of temptation and man's lack of opportunity.</p> + + <p>"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the + philosopher. "May you live forever!"</p> + + <p>The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by + setting it in brass is writing "dialect" for publication.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?"</p> + + <p>"I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude."</p> + + <p>"Then thou dost not deserve to find her."</p> + + <p>"True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. + But who art thou, to be so wise?"</p> + + <p>"I am Gratitude—farewell forever."</p> + + <p>There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he + disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.</p> + + <p>The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the + kingdoms that he set up have disappeared. But all the armies + and statecraft of Europe cannot unsay what you have said.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Strive not for singularity in dress;</span> + <br/> + <span>Fools have the more and men of sense the + less.</span> + <br/> + <span>To look original is not worth while,</span> + <br/> + <span>But be in mind a little out of style.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>A conqueror arose from the dead. "Yesterday," he said, "I + ruled half the world." "Please show me the half that you + ruled," said an angel, pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor + floating in space. "That is the world."</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?"</p> + + <p>"My name is Avarice. What is thine?"</p> + + <p>"Unselfishness."</p> + + <p>"Where is thy clothing, placid one?"</p> + + <p>"Thou art wearing it."</p> + + <p>To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious + matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not + understand.</p> + + <p>If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be + not too much greater than they.</p> + + <p>To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he + has—such is the hope of him who seeks the admiration of + posterity. The character of his work does not matter; he is a + humorist.</p> + + <p>Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior + tact.</p> + + <p>To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, + cultivate a generous disposition.</p> + + <p>Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest + wrong that you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out + his beast.</p> + + <p>When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for + assent the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the + unreasoning brutes, and believe both.</p> + + <p>Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more + frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, + and so has against it a numerical presumption.</p> + + <p>A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it + makes you dance, but you can't let go.</p> + + <p>Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. + Merit stepped off into the mud and went round him, bowing his + apologies, which Success had the grace to accept.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>"I think," says the philosopher divine,</span> + <br/> + <span>"Therefore I am." Sir, here's a surer + sign:</span> + <br/> + <span>We know we live, for with our every breath</span> + <br/> + <span>We feel the fear and imminence of death.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask + him and he will prove it.</p> + + <p>He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will + always have his choice, for no injustice can be done to + him.</p> + + <p>There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness + hereafter as there are minds that have marred their happiness + here.</p> + + <p>We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we + were immortal we should not crave immortality.</p> + + <p>A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought + none to the rabbit.</p> + + <p>Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold + his tongue, ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen.</p> + + <p>The most charming view in the world is obtained by + introspection.</p> + + <p>Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly + and the player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one + incomparable advantage: he is not the stake.</p> + + <p>It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the + jungle, for commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the + open.</p> + + <p>We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our + judgment need not, therefore, go to confession.</p> + + <p>Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the + other in marriage.</p> + + <p>If you give alms from compassion, why require the + beneficiary to be "a deserving object"? No other adversity is + so sharp as destitution of merit.</p> + + <p>Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a + particular privation.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain</span> + <br/> + <span>To get by giving what you lost by gain.</span> + <br/> + <span>With every gift you do but swell the + cloud</span> + <br/> + <span>Of witnesses against you, swift and + loud—</span> + <br/> + <span>Accomplices who turn and swear you split</span> + <br/> + <span>Your life: half robber and half hypocrite.</span> + <br/> + <span>You're least unsafe when most intact you + hold</span> + <br/> + <span>Your curst allotment of dishonest gold.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of + the success of another.</p> + + <p>If Inclination challenge, stand and fight—<br/> + From Opportunity the wise take flight.</p> + + <p>What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. + What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself.</p> + + <p>Those who most loudly invite God's attention to themselves + when in peril of death are those who should most fervently wish + to escape his observation.</p> + + <p>When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is + only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know + yours.</p> + + <p>How fascinating is Antiquity!—in what a golden haze + the ancients lived their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our + enchanting time Posterity's great poets will sing immortal + songs, and its archæologists will reverently uncover the + foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime we swap + jack-knives.</p> + + <p>Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a + cent puts aside the temptation to manipulate the market or + acquire a monopoly.</p> + + <p>For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a + needless expense.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>"There's no free will," says the + philosopher;</span> <span class="i2">"To hang is most + unjust."</span> + <br/> + <span>"There is no free will," assents the + officer;</span> <span class="i2">"We hang because we + must."</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is + why we know so much about the Hereafter and so little about the + Heretofore.</p> + + <p>Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we + should accept the act of cackling geese in saving Rome as + partial reparation.</p> + + <p>There are two classes of women who may do as they please; + those who are rich and those who are poor. The former can count + on assent, the latter on inattention.</p> + + <p>When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as + the guest of Love she turns her host out of doors.</p> + + <p>Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is + known as the Future; Age knows her as the Dream.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, there in the mire?"</p> + + <p>"Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in + fear on the brink of the bog."</p> + + <p>"A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, + sometimes known as Dry-foot."</p> + + <p>In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is + uprooted or rooted up. The difference is in the reformer.</p> + + <p>The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the + sexes: no man is so base but some woman is base enough to love + him.</p> + + <p>Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on + the verge of the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the + notable feat of turning about knows himself the central figure + in the universe.</p> + + <p>Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be + without it.</p> + + <p>If women did the writing of the world, instead of the + talking, men would be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, + grace and goodness.</p> + + <p>Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss + your companion and say farewell.</p> + + <p>Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience + prate of the value of life.</p> + + <p>The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards + them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add + another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are + permitted only to wish to be another.</p> + + <p>The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male + rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in + nature.</p> + + <p>Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into + the head there is no dissension; only an eviction.</p> + + <p>If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: + write it.</p> + + <p>"Where goest thou, Ignorance?"</p> + + <p>"To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril."</p> + + <p>"I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge."</p> + + <p>"Scoundrel! Thou art the peril."</p> + + <p>A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her + thoughts and virtuously flies from the temptation of her + desires.</p> + + <p>The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who + if you were hungry would take you by the café.</p> + + <p>When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a + diplomatic intimation; when ready, a diplomat.</p> + + <p>If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it + would in the long run be half the time right.</p> + + <p>The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor + upon the business known as gambling.</p> + + <p>A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is + faithful to that which is neither pleased nor profited by her + fidelity.</p> + + <p>Of one who was "foolish" the creators of our language said + that he was "fond." That we have not definitely reversed the + meanings of the words should be set down to the credit of our + courtesy.</p> + + <p>Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer + in the wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to + denounce a successful mob.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Artistically set to grace</span> + <br/> + <span>The wall of a dissecting-place,</span> + <br/> + <span>A human pericardium</span> + <br/> + <span>Was fastened with a bit of gum,</span> + <br/> + <span>While, simply underrunning it,</span> + <br/> + <span>The one word, "Charity," was writ</span> + <br/> + <span>To show the student band that hovered</span> + <br/> + <span>About it what it once had covered.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good + reputation is helpful to virtue.</p> + + <p>When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a + philosophy or doctrine go upward.</p> + + <p>We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not + compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of + respect.</p> + + <p>Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra's + nose would have changed the fortunes of the world. But having + said this, he has said nothing, for all the forces of nature + and all the power of dynasties could not have added an inch to + the length of Cleopatra's nose.</p> + + <p>Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman + is the only necessary having the boldness and address to compel + recognition as a luxury.</p> + + <p>"I am the seat of the affections," said the heart.</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said the judgment, "you save my face."</p> + + <p>"Who art thou that weepest?"</p> + + <p>"Man."</p> + + <p>"Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. + Study me and learn that nothing matters."</p> + + <p>"Then how does it matter that I weep?"</p> + + <p>A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it + implies something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of + our importance; whereas an injury presupposes some degree of + consideration. "The black-guards!" said a traveler whom + Sicilian brigands had released without ransom; "did they think + me a person of no consequence?"</p> + + <p>The people's plaudits are unheard in hell.</p> + + <p>Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no + chances.</p> + + <p>If there was a world before this we must all have died + impenitent.</p> + + <p>We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, + the clever, a good one.</p> + + <p>If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being + one this would be a world of wrath.</p> + + <p>Force and charm are important elements of character, but it + counts for little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a + lion.</p> + + <p>Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool:<br/> + Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool?</p> + + <p>A popular author is one who writes what the people think. + Genius invites them to think something else.</p> + + <p>Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him + with long ears and a tail. Man's conception is higher and + truer: he thinks of him as somewhat resembling a man.</p> + + <p>Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.</p> + + <p>The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own + distorted image and seeks to propitiate it.</p> + + <p>Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in + the land, but do not hope that the life insurance companies + will offer thee special rates.</p> + + <p>Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be + Darwin's theory of the descent of Man from the Ape may find + comfort in the hope of his return.</p> + + <p>A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you + shall not so readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher + as a philosopher that you are a fool.</p> + + <p>A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of + the art accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination.</p> + + <p>When publicly censured our first instinct is to make + everybody a codefendant.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>O lady fine, fear not to lead</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">To Hymen's shrine a clown:</span> + <br/> + <span>Love cannot level up, indeed,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">But he can level down.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. + It is a faithful man who is willing to be watched by a + half-dozen wives.</p> + + <p>The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.</p> + + <p>"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you + not choose Innocence?"</p> + + <p>"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing + but that she is a virtue."</p> + + <p>It is a wise "man's man" who knows what it is that he + despises in a "ladies' man."</p> + + <p>If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would + boast of the adoration they inspire.</p> + + <p>The only distinction that democracies reward is a high + degree of conformity.</p> + + <p>Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage + carts on their way to the dumps.</p> + + <p>A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the + superiority of her sex.</p> + + <p>"At last," she said, "I shall have rest and honors."</p> + + <p>"Enter," said Saint Peter; "thou shalt wash the faces of the + dear little cherubim."</p> + + <p>To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest + unless she can make a particular application of it. And we say + that women are not practical!</p> + + <p>The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the + learned know the shallowness of their learning.</p> + + <p>He who relates his success in charming woman's heart may be + assured of his failure to charm man's ear.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>What poignant memories the shadows bring;</span> + <br/> + <span>What songs of triumph in the dawning + ring!</span> + <br/> + <span>By night a coward and by day a king.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with + circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.</p> + + <p>As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type + and standard, so the critic's theories are imposed by his own + limitations.</p> + + <p>"Heaven lies about us in our infancy," and our neighbors + take up the tale as we mature.</p> + + <p>"My laws," she said, "are of myself a part: + <br/> + I read them by examining my heart." + <br/> + "True," he replied; "like those to Moses known, + <br/> + Thine also are engraven upon stone."</p> + + <p>Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one's + self one turns to consider one's dream.</p> + + <p>"Halt!—who goes there?"</p> + + <p>"Death."</p> + + <p>"Advance, Death, and give the countersign."</p> + + <p>"How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou + shalt enter mine."</p> + + <p>"What! I a deserter?"</p> + + <p>"Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies + of mankind."</p> + + <p>"Who are they?"</p> + + <p>"Life and the Fear of Death."</p> + + <p>The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand + and says they signify character. The philosopher reads + character by what the hand most loves to close upon.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Ah, woe is his, with length of living + cursed,</span> + <br/> + <span>Who, nearing second childhood, had no + first.</span> + <br/> + <span>Behind, no glimmer, and before no + ray—</span> + <br/> + <span>A night at either end of his dark day.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible + with a spirited zeal in defamation of women.</p> + + <p>The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame + defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste + than love of money.</p> + + <p>He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for + disparagement of genius is like one who should plead robbery in + excuse of theft.</p> + + <p>The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that + which finds expression in pretended remorse for impossible + gallantries.</p> + + <p>Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is + true. For that which is both new and true we must go duly + accredited to the gods and await their pleasure.</p> + + <p>The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of + Reason must be submitted even the claims of Faith.</p> + + <p>"Whither goest thou?" said the angel.</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"And whence hast thou come?"</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"But who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"I know not."</p> + + <p>"Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on + to the place whence thou hast come."</p> + + <p>If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they + are the most harmonious brothers that ever were seen.</p> + + <p>Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a + rascal is one who knows not how to think.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Do you to others as you would</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">That others do to you;</span> + <br/> + <span>But see that you no service good</span> + <br/> + <span>Would have from others that they could</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Not rightly do.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: + balky horses may best be made to go by having their ears + bitten.</p> + + <p>Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and + exacted a certain gratitude for the distinction of his + preference.</p> + + <p>A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must + begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million + graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can + sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your + hand and he falls into line with the other links.</p> + + <p>He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool + is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his + convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.</p> + + <p>These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having + learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to + discern the soul of things.</p> + + <p>Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love + seem the first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved + once.</p> + + <p>Men who expect universal peace through invention of + destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting + the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an + end to the tilling of the soil.</p> + + <p>To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When + the young die and the old live, nature's machinery is working + with the friction that we name grief.</p> + + <p>Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women.</p> + + <p>Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If + Man knew his insignificance in the scheme of things he would + not think it worth while to rise from barbarity to + enlightenment. But it is only through enlightenment that he can + know.</p> + + <p>Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think + not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the + journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.</p> + + <p>The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and + "me." "It will probably rain"—that is dogmatic. "I think + it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is + the most delightful of essayists because so great is his + humility that he does not think it important that we see not + Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to + make us forget him.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>On fair foundations Theocrats unwise</span> + <br/> + <span>Rear superstructures that offend the + skies.</span> + <br/> + <span>"Behold," they cry, "this pile so fair and + tall!</span> + <br/> + <span>Come dwell within it and be happy all."</span> + <br/> + <span>But they alone inhabit it, and find,</span> + <br/> + <span>Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the + mind.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit thou art an + anarchist, and if thou take not his word thou shalt take + nothing that he hath. Make haste, therefore, to be civil to thy + betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is the foundation of + the state.</p> + + <p>Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the + estate.</p> + + <p>When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new + register.</p> + + <p>When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam + and accused him of infidelity.</p> + + <p>"Why dost thou weep?"</p> + + <p>"For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall never again see + her!"</p> + + <p>"Thy wife will never again see thee, yet she does not + weep."</p> + + <p>What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, + etiquette is to civility.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe's + raggedness seemest to enjoy thyself?"</p> + + <p>"Naught else is enjoyable—I am Contentment."</p> + + <p>"Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in + my fine attire."</p> + + <p>"I have no shirt. Pass on, Success."</p> + + <p>Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, + even beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To + affect a spurious ignorance is to disclose a genuine.</p> + + <p>Because you will not take by theft what you can have by + cheating, think not yours is the only conscience in the world. + Even he who permits you to cheat his neighbor will shrink from + permitting you to cheat himself.</p> + + <p>"God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?"</p> + + <p>"Wisdom. And thine?"</p> + + <p>"Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?"</p> + + <p>"This is an intersection of our paths."</p> + + <p>"Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same + road?"</p> + + <p>"We were well named if we knew."</p> + + <p>Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious + tolerance is a kind of infidelity.</p> + + <p>Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be + sometimes dishonest.</p> + + <p>The philosopher's profoundest conviction is that which he is + most reluctant to express, lest he mislead.</p> + + <p>When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may + choose a person who is willing.</p> + + <p>The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince + himself.</p> + + <p>In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer + proposed a tax on fools.</p> + + <p>"The right honorable and generous gentleman," said a member, + "forgets that we already have it in the poll tax."</p> + + <p>"Whose dead body is that?"</p> + + <p>"Credulity's."</p> + + <p>"By whom was he slain?"</p> + + <p>"Credulity."</p> + + <p>"Ah, suicide."</p> + + <p>"No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and + swallowed all that was set before him."</p> + + <p>Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat.</p> + + <p>Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is + no proof of poverty.</p> + + <p>Courage is the acceptance of the gambler's chance: a brave + man bets against the game of the gods.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"A philanthropist. And thou?"</p> + + <p>"A pauper."</p> + + <p>"Away! you have nothing to relieve my need."</p> + + <p>Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, + for nothing is before.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Think not, O man, the world has any need</span> + <br/> + <span>That thou canst truly serve by word or + deed.</span> + <br/> + <span>Serve thou thy better self, nor care to + know</span> + <br/> + <span>How God makes righteousness and roses + grow.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: + by the use of an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion + can be made to seem a religious ecstasy.</p> + + <p>The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich + is his self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery.</p> + + <p>One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the + understanding.</p> + + <p>If the righteous thought death what they think they think it + they would search less diligently for divine ordinances against + suicide.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail:</span> + <br/> + <span>Injustice can the just alone assail.</span> + <br/> + <span>Deny compassion to the wretch who + swerved,</span> + <br/> + <span>Till all who, fainting, walked aright are + served.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is + trimmed with feathers of the white blackbird.</p> + + <p>All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is + called a philosopher.</p> + + <p>Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, + and then sets up as a fountain.</p> + + <p>The present is the frontier between the desert of the past + and the garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment.</p> + + <p>The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention + than it is worth.</p> + + <p>At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater + at death than at the noon of life.</p> + + <p>Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce + the errors of youth for those of age.</p> + + <p>From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, + a season. Age comes in a night and is incredible.</p> + + <p>Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with + "How are you?" and he replies: "On the contrary, how are + <i>you</i>?" pass on.</p> + + <p>If all thought were audible none would be deemed + discreditable. We know, indeed, that bad thoughts are + universal, but that is not the same thing as catching them at + being so.</p> + + <p>"All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you + blundered into it," said Satan, ejecting Hope. "You make + trouble wherever you go."</p> + + <p>Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is + present to answer them.</p> + + <p>The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. + When an angel wakes one of us dies.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>The man of "honor" pays his bet</span> + <br/> + <span>By saving on his lawful debt.</span> + <br/> + <span>When he to Nature pays his dust</span> + <br/> + <span>(Not for he would, but for he must)</span> + <br/> + <span>Men say, "He settled that, 'tis true,</span> + <br/> + <span>But, faith, it long was overdue."</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only + the first step. The second is justification of herself by + accusation of you.</p> + + <p>If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true + relation to the universe.</p> + + <p>Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his + position on the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning + and knows not whither he is bound.</p> + + <p>Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting + it.</p> + + <p>As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to + the trick of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy.</p> + + <p>When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to + come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he + has had.</p> + + <p>When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made + woman. As to why He then stopped there are two opinions. One of + them is woman's.</p> + + <p>She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a + crow. He hated her because she unlocked the cage of his + beast.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?"</p> + + <p>"Friendship."</p> + + <p>"I am Love; let us travel together."</p> + + <p>"Yes—for a day's journey; then thou arrivest at thy + grave."</p> + + <p>"And thou?"</p> + + <p>"I go as far as the grave of Advantage."</p> + + <p>Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes + and spires of the City of Contentment.</p> + + <p>You would say of that old man: "He is bald and bent." No; in + the presence of Death he uncovers and bows.</p> + + <p>If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. + Yet every year has its winter.</p> + + <p>You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the + impossibility of putting the stones in place.</p> + + <p>Men were singing the praises of Justice.</p> + + <p>"Not so loud," said an angel; "if you wake her she will put + you all to death."</p> + + <p>Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom + to see the bogs through which he has floundered.</p> + + <p>Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow + only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet + Philanthropos would abolish evil!</p> + + <p>One whose falsehoods no longer deceive has forfeited the + right to speak truth.</p> + + <p>Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is + known.</p> + + <p>To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he + who is persuaded of his incredulity.</p> + + <p>In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a + virtue.</p> + + <p>That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for + not serving God.</p> + + <p>A fool's tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his + ear commanding them to silence.</p> + + <p>If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of + love, it would be sparsely inhabited.</p> + + <p>To the eye of failure success is an accident with a + presumption of crime.</p> + + <p>Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his + own feet, and calls it Progress.</p> + + <p>You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of + wayside roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the + route.</p> + + <p>The world was made a sphere in order that men should not + push one another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks + of the sea.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Let not the night on thy resentment fall:</span> + <br/> + <span>Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at + all.</span> + <br/> + <span>The lion ceases if his first leap + fail—</span> + <br/> + <span>'Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made + another.</p> + + <p>"Give us that also," said His children.</p> + + <p>"Nay," He replied, "if I give you that you will slay one + another till none is left. You shall have only its name, which + is Justice."</p> + + <p>"That is a good name," they said; "we will give it to a + virtue of our own creation."</p> + + <p>So they gave it to Revenge.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>The sea-bird speeding from the realm of + night</span> + <br/> + <span>Dashes to death against the beacon-light.</span> + <br/> + <span>Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul,</span> + <br/> + <span>The ministry of light is guide, not goal.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>While you have a future do not live too much in + contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk + backward the mirror is a poor guide.</p> + + <p>"O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?"</p> + + <p>"To spare me thine impetuous embrace."</p> + + <p>He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent + silence, but he who only believes himself great has embraced a + noisy faith.</p> + + <p>Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or + two, and go our several ways back into the darkness. The + mystery is infinitely pathetic and picturesque.</p> + + <p>Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills + are a-smirk with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, + austere and desolate, holding a prophecy of doom.</p> + + <p>It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are + not as other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as + to the nature of the difference.</p> + + <p>In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward + stop until it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy + destination.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Seek not for happiness—'tis known</span> + <br/> + <span>To hope and memory alone;</span> + <br/> + <span>At dawn—how bright the noon will be!</span> + <br/> + <span>At eve—how fair it glowed, ah, me!</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Brain was given to test the heart's credibility as a + witness, yet the philosopher's lady is almost as fine as the + clown's wench.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou, so sorrowful?"</p> + + <p>"Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of + Benevolence."</p> + + <p>"Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence."</p> + + <p>"Wretch! thou art my father and my mother."</p> + + <p>Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for + ourselves nor resent in others.</p> + + <p>To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and + classify we give the name Knowledge.</p> + + <p>"I wish to enter," said the soul of the voluptuary.</p> + + <p>"I am told that all the beautiful women are here."</p> + + <p>"Enter," said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed + in.</p> + + <p>"They make the place what it is," added Satan, as the gates + clanged.</p> + + <p>Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms + without falling into her hands.</p> + + <p>Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make + restitution to the accuser.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Study good women and ignore the rest,</span> + <br/> + <span>For he best knows the sex who knows the + best.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal + affairs. You may live.</p> + + <p>Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting + opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at the Gate.</p> + + <p>"I am known as Memory."</p> + + <p>"What presumption!—go back to Hell. And who, + perspiring friend, art thou?"</p> + + <p>"<i>My</i> name is Satan. I am looking + for——"</p> + + <p>"Take your penal apparatus and be off."</p> + + <p>And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: "Come along, you + scoundrel! you make happiness wherever you are not."</p> + + <p>Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and + manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a + little of the original earth clinging to the roots.</p> + + <p>The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of + Remorse.</p> + + <p>Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, + Youth.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>There are but ten Commandments, true,</span> + <br/> + <span>But that's no hardship, friend, to you;</span> + <br/> + <span>The sins whereof no line is writ</span> + <br/> + <span>You're not commanded to commit.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited + superstition—it is at night, mostly, that the king + thinks.</p> + + <p>"Who art thou?" said Mercy.</p> + + <p>"Revenge, the father of Justice."</p> + + <p>"Thou wearest thy son's clothing."</p> + + <p>"One must be clad."</p> + + <p>"Farewell—I go to attend thy son."</p> + + <p>"Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle."</p> + + <p>Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.</p> + + <p>Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an + owner.</p> + + <p>You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, + but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older + every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times + a day.</p> + + <p>A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a + wine-bottle.</p> + + <p>He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on + without them.</p> + + <p>"Who am I?" asked an awakened soul.</p> + + <p>"That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here," + answered a smiling angel; "this is Heaven."</p> + + <p>Woman's courage is ignorance of danger; man's is hope of + escape.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>When God had finished this terrestrial + frame</span> + <br/> + <span>And all things else, with or without a + name,</span> + <br/> + <span>The Nothing that remained within His hand</span> + <br/> + <span>Said: "Make me into something fine and + grand,</span> + <br/> + <span>Thine angels to amuse and entertain."</span> + <br/> + <span>God heard and made it into human brain.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for + already Nature's knife is at his throat and yours.</p> + + <p>To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; + beware upon whom you inflict it.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Bear me, good oceans, to some isle</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">Where I may never fear</span> + <br/> + <span>The snake alurk in woman's smile,</span> + <br/> + <span class="i2">The tiger in her tear.</span> + <br/> + <span>Yet bear not with me her, O deeps,</span> + <br/> + <span>Who never smiles and never weeps.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Life and Death threw dice for a child.</p> + + <p>"I win!" cried Life.</p> + + <p>"True," said Death, "but you need a nimbler tongue to + proclaim your luck. The stake is already dead of age."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>How blind is he who, powerless to discern</span> + <br/> + <span>The glories that about his pathway burn,</span> + <br/> + <span>Walks unaware the avenues of Dream,</span> + <br/> + <span>Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam!</span> + <br/> + <span>O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned</span> + <br/> + <span>Thy light lies ever upon sea and land.</span> + <br/> + <span>From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at + will,</span> + <br/> + <span>And sees a Grecian god on every hill!</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, + and in age beseech.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>A violet softly sighed,</span> <span class="i2">A + hollyhock shouted above.</span> + <br/> + <span>In the heart of the violet, pride;</span> + <span class="i2">In the heart of the hollyhock, + love.</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them + would flatter them less and content them more.</p> + + <p>The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve + slipped back into the Garden. "Thank Heaven! I am again in + Paradise," said Adam.</p> + + <hr style="width: 65%" /> + + <div class="footnotes"> + <p>Footnotes:</p> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_A"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> It + may be noted here that the popular conception of + this poet as a frivolous sensualist is unsustained + by evidence and repudiated by all having knowledge + of the matter. Although love and wine were his + constant themes, there is good ground for the belief + that he wrote of them with greater <i>abandon</i> + than he indulged in them—a not uncommon + practice of the poet-folk, by the way, and one to + which those who sing of deeds of arms are perhaps + especially addicted. The great age which Anacreon + attained points to a temperate life; and he more + than once denounces intoxication with as great zeal + as a modern reformer who has eschewed the flagon for + the trencher. According to Anacreon, drunkenness is + "the vice of barbarians;" though, for the matter of + that, it is difficult to say what achievable vice is + not. In Ode LXII, he sings:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span>Fill me, boy, as deep a draught</span> + <br/> + <span>As e'er was filled, as e'er was + quaffed;</span> + <br/> + <span>But let the water amply flow</span> + <br/> + <span>To cool the grape's intemperate + glow.</span> + + <hr style="width: 100%; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;" /> + + <span>For though the bowl's the grave of + sadness</span> + <br/> + <span>Ne'er let it be the birth of + madness</span> + <br/> + <span>No! banish from our board to night</span> + <br/> + <span>The revelries of rude delight</span> + <br/> + <span>To Scythians leave these wild + excesses</span> + <br/> + <span>Ours be the joy that soothes and + blesses!</span> + <br/> + <span>And while the temperate bowl we + wreathe</span> + <br/> + <span>In concert let our voices breathe</span> + <br/> + <span>Beguiling every hour along</span> + <br/> + <span>With harmony of soul and song</span> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Maximus of Tyre speaking of Polycrates the Tyrant + (tyrant, be it remembered, meant only usurper, not + oppressor) considered the happiness of that potentate, + secure because he had a powerful navy and such a friend + as Anacreon—the word navy naturally suggesting + cold water, and cold water, Anacreon.</p> + </div> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_B"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> On + this passage Tyrwhit makes the following judicious + comment: The school of Oxford seems to have been in + much the same estimation for its dancing as that of + Stratford for its French—alluding of course to + what is, said in the Prologue of the French spoken + by the Prioress:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <span class="i4">And French she spoke full + fayre and fetisly</span> + <br/> + <span>After the scole of Stratford atte + bowe</span> + <br/> + <span>For French of Paris was to hire + unknowe</span> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="footnote"> + <p><a name="Footnote_C"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> + <i>I.e.</i> one of the lady's hands.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE, VOL VIII ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e4a243 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15599 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15599) diff --git a/old/15599-8.txt b/old/15599-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..11b6c79 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/15599-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8312 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, +Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8 + Epigrams, On With the Dance, Negligible Tales + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: April 11, 2005 [EBook #15599] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF *** + + + + +Produced by Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Title Page] + + + * * * * * + + + THE COLLECTED + + WORKS OF + + AMBROSE BIERCE + + + + VOLUME VIII + + + + NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + ON WITH THE DANCE + + EPIGRAMS + + + + NEW YORK + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + 1966 + + + * * * * * + + + Originally Published 1911 + + Reprinted 1966 + + + + Published by + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + + +Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638 + + + + Printed in the U.S.A. by + + EDWARD BROTHERS INC. + + Ann Arbor, Michigan + + + * * * * * + + +CONTENTS + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE 9 + JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL 23 + THE WIDOWER TURMORE 41 + THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY 52 + THE MAJOR'S TALE 63 + CURRIED COW 76 + A REVOLT OF THE GODS 89 + THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO 95 + THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER 104 + THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL 110 + PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE 115 + A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION 122 + MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP 131 + THE LITTLE STORY 138 + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + MY FAVORITE MURDER 147 + OIL OF DOG 163 + AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION 171 + THE HYPNOTIST 177 + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST 187 + WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" 195 + CORRUPTING THE PRESS 204 + "THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" 211 + +THE OCEAN WAVE + A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION 219 + THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" 226 + THE MAN OVERBOARD 239 + A CARGO OF CAT 258 + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE 267 + THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD 270 + THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT 276 + A REEF IN THE GABARDINE 282 + ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING 285 + CAIRO REVISITED 296 + JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS 299 + IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE 311 + COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE 316 + THEY ALL DANCE 321 + LUST, QUOTH'A 330 + OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS 332 + +EPIGRAMS 343 + + + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + + + + +A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE + + +My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a patent for an +invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; but he was an honest +man and would not himself engage in the manufacture. He was, therefore, +only moderately wealthy, his royalties from his really valuable +invention bringing him hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation +with rogues guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed +by the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had it not +been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all my brothers and +sisters and personally supervised my education, should have grown up in +ignorance and been compelled to teach school. To be the favorite child +of a good woman is better than gold. + +When I was nineteen years of age my father had the misfortune to die. He +had always had perfect health, and his death, which occurred at the +dinner table without a moment's warning, surprised no one more than +himself. He had that very morning been notified that a patent had been +granted him for a device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure, +without noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most +ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that had ever +been submitted to him, and my father had naturally looked forward to an +old age of prosperity and honor. His sudden death was, therefore, a deep +disappointment to him; but my mother, whose piety and resignation to the +will of Heaven were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently +less affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body had +been removed from the floor, she called us all into an adjoining room +and addressed us as follows: + +"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just witnessed is +one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good man's life, and one in +which I take little pleasure, I assure you. I beg you to believe that I +had no hand in bringing it about. Of course," she added, after a pause, +during which her eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is +better that he is dead." + +She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness as a +self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to brave her surprise +by asking an explanation. My mother's air of surprise when any of us +went wrong in any way was very terrible to us. One day, when in a fit of +peevish temper, I had taken the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her +simple words, "John, you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof +that after a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself +at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising you." So now +we all--including the one-eared baby--felt that it would keep matters +smoother to accept without question the statement that it was better, +somehow, for our dear father to be dead. My mother continued: + +"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and mysterious +death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut the body into pieces +and submit them to a number of men who, having inspected them, pronounce +the person dead. For this the Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish +to avoid that painful formality in this instance; it is one which never +had the approval of--of the remains. John"--here my mother turned her +angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very discreet. You have +now an opportunity to show your gratitude for all the sacrifices that +your education has entailed upon the rest of us. John, go and remove the +Coroner." + +Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's confidence, and by +the chance to distinguish myself by an act that squared with my natural +disposition, I knelt before her, carried her hand to my lips and bathed +it with tears of sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had +removed the Coroner. + +I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I passed a most +uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep because of the profanity of +my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, whose theological training had given +them a fertility of impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language +altogether unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who, +sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, entered the +cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend gentlemen that if he +heard any more swearing their sacred calling would not prevent him from +turning them into the street. After that they moderated their +objectionable conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the +peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence. + +The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, sitting as a +committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary examination. I +pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I had murdered was a +notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a Republican, and from early +childhood I had been carefully instructed by her in the principles of +honest government and the necessity of suppressing factional +opposition.) The Judge, elected by a Republican ballot-box with a +sliding bottom, was visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and +offered me a cigarette. + +"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I do not deem +it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. Under the law of the +land you sit here as a committing magistrate. It is therefore your duty +to commit. Testimony and argument alike would imply a doubt that your +Honor means to perform your sworn duty. That is my case." + +My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and said: "May it +please the Court, my learned friend on the other side has so well and +eloquently stated the law governing in this case that it only remains +for me to inquire to what extent it has been already complied with. It +is true, your Honor is a committing magistrate, and as such it is your +duty to commit--what? That is a matter which the law has wisely and +justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have discharged +already every obligation that the law imposes. Since I have known your +Honor you have done nothing but commit. You have committed embracery, +theft, arson, perjury, adultery, murder--every crime in the calendar and +every excess known to the sensual and depraved, including my learned +friend, the District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a +committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this worthy +young man, my client, I move that he be discharged." + +An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the black cap and +in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to life and liberty. Then +turning to my counsel he said, coldly but significantly: + +"I will see you later." + +The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously defended me +against a charge of murdering his own brother--with whom he had a +quarrel about some land--had disappeared and his fate is to this day +unknown. + +In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly buried at +midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with his late boots on +and the contents of his late stomach unanalyzed. "He was opposed to +display," said my dear mother, as she finished tamping down the earth +above him and assisted the children to litter the place with straw; "his +instincts were all domestic and he loved a quiet life." + +My mother's application for letters of administration stated that she +had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, for he had not +come home to his meals for several days; but the Judge of the Crowbait +Court--as she ever afterward contemptuously called it--decided that the +proof of death was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of +the Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that the +liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was left only the +patent for the device for bursting open safes without noise, by +hydraulic pressure and this had passed into the ownership of the Probate +Judge and the Public Administrator--as my dear mother preferred to +spell it. Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable +family was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to +go to work. + +In the selection of occupations we were governed by a variety of +considerations, such as personal fitness, inclination, and so forth. My +mother opened a select private school for instruction in the art of +changing the spots upon leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George +Henry, who had a turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum +for deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor +Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral springs, and I +set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams for gibbets. The other +children, too young for labor, continued to steal small articles exposed +in front of shops, as they had been taught. + +In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our house and +buried the bodies in a cellar. + +In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and provisions. From +the rapidity of their disappearance we acquired the superstitious belief +that the spirits of the persons buried there came at dead of night and +held a festival. It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we +would discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such débris, +littering the place, although it had been securely locked and barred +against human intrusion. It was proposed to remove the provisions and +store them elsewhere, but our dear mother, always generous and +hospitable, said it was better to endure the loss than risk exposure: if +the ghosts were denied this trifling gratification they might set on +foot an investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division +of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into the single +industry pursued by me--we might all decorate the cross-beams of +gibbets. We accepted her decision with filial submission, due to our +reverence for her wordly wisdom and the purity of her character. + +One night while we were all in the cellar--none dared to enter it +alone--engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of an adjoining town the +solemn offices of Christian burial, my mother and the younger children, +holding a candle each, while George Henry and I labored with a spade and +pick, my sister Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with +her hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's obsequies +were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and in trembling tones +we begged her to say what had alarmed her. The younger children were so +agitated that they held their candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows +of our figures danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls +and flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of the +dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now extinguished by +some floating shadow, appeared at each emergence to have taken on a new +and more forbidding expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more +than ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about the +place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of some distant +corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green light, matching the +faint phosphorescence of decay that filled the half-dug grave and seemed +the visible manifestation of that faint odor of mortality which tainted +the unwholesome air. The children now sobbed and clung about the limbs +of their elders, dropping their candles, and we were near being left in +total darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled +upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the grave +like a fountain. + +Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been thrown out of +the excavation, had removed her hands from her face and was staring with +expanded eyes into an obscure space between two wine casks. + +"There it is!--there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; "God in heaven! +can't you see it?" + +And there indeed it was!--a human figure, dimly discernible in the +gloom--a figure that wavered from side to side as if about to fall, +clutching at the wine-casks for support, had stepped unsteadily forward +and for one moment stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles; +then it surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we +had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our father--dead +these ten months and buried by our own hands!--our father indubitably +risen and ghastly drunk! + +On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that horrible place--on +the extinction of all human sentiment in that tumultuous, mad scramble +up the damp and mouldy stairs--slipping, falling, pulling one another +down and clambering over one another's back--the lights extinguished, +babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong brothers and hurled +backward to death by a mother's arm!--on all this I do not dare to +dwell. My mother, my eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others +remained below, to perish of their wounds, or of their terror--some, +perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we four, hastily gathering +together what money and jewels we had and what clothing we could carry, +fired the dwelling and fled by its light into the hills. We did not even +pause to collect the insurance, and my dear mother said on her +death-bed, years afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin +of omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy man, +assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would pardon the +neglect. + +About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my childhood I, +then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to the spot with a view +to obtaining, if possible, some treasure belonging to us, which had been +buried in the cellar. I may say that I was unsuccessful: the discovery +of many human bones in the ruins had set the authorities digging for +more. They had found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The +house had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a desolation. +So many unearthly sights and sounds had been reported thereabout that +nobody would live there. As there was none to question nor molest, I +resolved to gratify my filial piety by gazing once more upon the face of +my beloved father, if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still +in his grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous +diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since his death, +I had reason to think he might have been buried in it. Procuring a +spade, I soon located the grave in what had been the backyard and began +digging. When I had got down about four feet the whole bottom fell out +of the grave and I was precipitated into a large drain, falling through +a long hole in its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of +one. + +Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the drain, and +having with some difficulty removed a mass of charred rubbish and +blackened masonry that choked it, emerged into what had been that +fateful cellar. + +All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be "taken bad" at +his meal (and I think my sainted mother could have thrown some light +upon that matter) had indubitably been buried alive. The grave having +been accidentally dug above the forgotten drain, and down almost to the +crown of its arch, and no coffin having been used, his struggles on +reviving had broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through, +escaping finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his +own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean seclusion, +a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our providence. It was he who +had eaten our food; it was he who had drunk our wine--he was no better +than a thief! In a moment of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that +need of companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a +drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment at a +strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable consequences +upon those nearest and dearest to him--a blunder that had almost the +dignity of crime. + + + + +JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL + + +_From the Secretary of War to the Hon. Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads, +Posey County, Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861. + +Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President has been +pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of volunteers. Do you accept? + + +_From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861. + +It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one which should be +neither sought nor declined. In times that try men's souls the patriot +knows no North, no South, no East, no West. His motto should be: "My +country, my whole country and nothing but my country." I accept the +great trust confided in me by a free and intelligent people, and with a +firm reliance on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking +the guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall labor so +to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political escutcheon. Say to +his Excellency, the successor of the immortal Washington in the Seat of +Power, that the patronage of my office will be bestowed with an eye +single to securing the greatest good to the greatest number, the +stability of republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all +elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. +I shall at once prepare an appropriate response to the speech of the +chairman of the committee deputed to inform me of my appointment, and I +trust the sentiments therein expressed will strike a sympathetic chord +in the public heart, as well as command the Executive approval. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg, Commanding +the Military Department of Eastern Kentucky._ + +WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861. + +I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, who +will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little Buttermilk River, +and take command of the Illinois Brigade at that point, reporting to you +by letter for orders. Is the route from Covington by way of Bluegrass, +Opossum Corners and Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as +reported in your last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861. + +The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are unfamiliar to me, +but I shall be pleased to have the advantage of his skill. The route +from Covington to Distilleryville _via_ Opossum Corners and Horsecave I +have been compelled to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made +it possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from the +front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by steamboats up the +Little Buttermilk. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan, +Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861. + +I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by mail before +the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we must dispense with the +formality of official notification to you by a committee. The President +is highly gratified by the noble and patriotic sentiments of your +letter, and directs that you proceed at once to your command at +Distilleryville, Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General +Wardorg at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest +secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have passed +Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front of +Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then if your +approach is known it will operate as a demonstration against his right +and cause him to strengthen it with his left now at Memphis, Tennessee, +which it is desirable to capture first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum +Corners and Horsecave. All officers are expected to be in full uniform +when _en route_ to the front. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861. + +I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy to Joel +Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch Republican, who will +worthily represent Posey County in field and forum. He points with pride +to a stainless record in the halls of legislation, which have often +echoed to his soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very +foundation of popular government. He has been called the Patrick Henry +of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in the cause of civil and +religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for Distilleryville last evening, +and the standard bearer of the Democratic host confronting that +stronghold of freedom will find him a lion in his path. I have been +asked to remain here and deliver some addresses to the people in a local +contest involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being +performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate and move in +the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my ships behind me. I +forward by this mail to his Excellency the President a request for the +appointment of my son, Jabez Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I +would take it, sir, as a great favor if you would give the application a +strong oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. Be +kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the office I hold in +the military arm, and if they are by salary or fees. Are there any +perquisites? My mileage account will be transmitted monthly. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, 1862. + +I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the recent storms +having inundated the landscape, covering, I understand, the greater part +of a congressional district. I am pained to find that Joel Briller, +Esq., a prominent citizen of Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing +statesman who held my proxy, and who a month ago should have been +thundering at the gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has +doubtless been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the +American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully move +that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of respect to his +memory, and that the office holders and men under your command wear the +usual badge of mourning for thirty days. I shall at once place myself at +the head of affairs here, and am now ready to entertain any suggestions +which you may make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in +this commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the river +appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have two large cannons +facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am told, some of them came +down to the water's edge and remained in session for some time, making +infamous allegations. + + +_From the Diary of Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville, +Kentucky._ + +January 12, 1862.--On my arrival yesterday at the Henry Clay Hotel +(named in honor of the late far-seeing statesman) I was waited on by a +delegation consisting of the three colonels intrusted with the command +of the regiments of my brigade. It was an occasion that will be +memorable in the political annals of America. Forwarded copies of the +speeches to the Posey _Maverick_, to be spread upon the record of the +ages. The gentlemen composing the delegation unanimously reaffirmed +their devotion to the principles of national unity and the Republican +party. Was gratified to recognize in them men of political prominence +and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequent banquet, sentiments of +lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote to Mr. Wardorg at Louisville for +instructions. + +January 13, 1862.--Leased a prominent residence (the former incumbent +being absent in arms against his country) for the term of one year, and +wrote at once for Mrs. Brigadier-General Doke and the vital +issues--excepting Jabez Leonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here +there are supposed to be three thousand misguided men laying the ax at +the root of the tree of liberty. They have a clear majority, many of our +men having returned without leave to their constituents. We could +probably not poll more than two thousand votes. Have advised my heads of +regiments to make a canvass of those remaining, all bolters to be read +out of the phalanx. + +January 14, 1862.--Wrote to the President, asking for the contract to +supply this command with firearms and regalia through my brother-in-law, +prominently identified with the manufacturing interests of the country. +Club of cannon soldiers arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, +on their way to join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to +Jayhawk to escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for +the opposing party, opened fire on the head of the procession and by the +extraordinary noise of the cannon balls (I had no conception of it!) so +frightened my horse that I was unseated without a contest. The meeting +adjourned in disorder and returning to camp I found that a deputation of +the enemy had crossed the river in our absence and made a division of +the loaves and fishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the +Gubernatorial Chair of the Territory of Idaho. + + +_From Editorial Article in the Posey, Illinois, "Maverick," January 20, +1862._ + +Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another column, of the +Battle of Distilleryville will make the heart of every loyal Illinoisian +leap with exultation. The brilliant exploit marks an era in military +history, and as General Doke says, "lays broad and deep the foundations +of American prowess in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except the +gallant author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, he +justly considered that a list of the fallen would only occupy our +valuable space to the exclusion of more important matter, but his +account of the strategic ruse by which he apparently abandoned his camp +and so inveigled a perfidious enemy into it for the purpose of murdering +the sick, the unfortunate _countertempus_ at Jayhawk, the subsequent +dash upon a trapped enemy flushed with a supposed success, driving their +terrified legions across an impassable river which precluded +pursuit--all these "moving accidents by flood and field" are related +with a pen of fire and have all the terrible interest of romance. + +Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is mightier than the +sword. When by the graphic power of the art preservative of all arts we +are brought face to face with such glorious events as these, the +_Maverick's_ enterprise in securing for its thousands of readers the +services of so distinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made +the history as well as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary +importance. For President in 1864 (subject to the decision of the +Republican National Convention) Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, of +Illinois! + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 22, 1862. + +Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville was delayed +in transmission, having only just been received (open) through the +courtesy of the Confederate department commander under a flag of truce. +He begs me to assure you that he would consider it an act of cruelty to +trouble you, and I think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening +attitude, but at the least pressure retire. Your position is simply an +outpost which it is not intended to hold. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 23, 1862. + +I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated twenty +thousand troops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. According to your +assignment, General Doke is in command of the small brigade of raw +troops opposing them. It is no part of my plan to contest the enemy's +advance at that point, but I cannot hold myself responsible for any +reverses to the brigade mentioned, under its present commander. I think +him a fool. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +WASHINGTON, February 1, 1862. + +The President has great faith in General Doke. If your estimate of him +is correct, however, he would seem to be singularly well placed where he +now is, as your plans appear to contemplate a considerable sacrifice for +whatever advantages you expect to gain. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, February 1, 1862. + +To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order to point +the way whenever my brigade retires from Distilleryville, as +foreshadowed by your letter of the 22d ult. I have appointed a Committee +on Retreat, the minutes of whose first meeting I transmit to you. You +will perceive that the committee having been duly organized by the +election of a chairman and secretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) +was adopted, to the effect that in case treason again raises her hideous +head on this side of the river every man of the brigade is to mount a +mule, the procession to move promptly in the direction of Louisville and +the loyal North. In preparation for such an emergency I have for some +time been collecting mules from the resident Democracy, and have on hand +2300 in a field at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty! + + +_From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUNG STATION, KENTUCKY, February 4, 1862. + +On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting of 25,000 men +and thirty-two field pieces, under command of Major-General Simmons B. +Flood, crossed by a ford to the north side of Little Buttermilk River at +a point three miles above Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and +away from the stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the +object being, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati and +occupy the Ohio Valley. For some months there had been in our front only +a small brigade of undisciplined troops, apparently without a commander, +who were useful to us, for by not disturbing them we could create an +impression of our weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated +them, I was about to detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my +division being the leading one, when an earth-shaking rumble was felt +and heard, and suddenly the head-of-column was struck by one of the +terrible tornadoes for which this region is famous, and utterly +annihilated. The tornado, I believe, passed along the entire length of +the road back to the ford, dispersing or destroying our entire army; but +of this I cannot be sure, for I was lifted from the earth insensible and +blown back to the south side of the river. Continuous firing all night +on the north side and the reports of such of our men as have recrossed +at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigade has exterminated the +disabled survivors. Our loss has been uncommonly heavy. Of my own +division of 15,000 infantry, the casualties--killed, wounded, captured, +and missing--are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow's division, 11,200 +strong, I can find but two officers and a nigger cook. Of the artillery, +800 men, none has reported on this side of the river. General Flood is +dead. I have assumed command of the expeditionary force, but owing to +the heavy losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line of +supplies as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow +morning early. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet but partly +accomplished. + + +_From Major-General Dolliver Billows, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUHAC, KENTUCKY, February 5, 1862. + +... But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been reinforced by fifty +thousand cavalry, and being apprised of our movement by a spy, this vast +body was drawn up in the darkness at Jayhawk, and as the head of our +column reached that point at about 11 P.M., fell upon it with +astonishing fury, destroying the division of General Buxter in an +instant. General Baumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the +rear, may have escaped--I did not wait to see, but withdrew my division +to the river at a point several miles above the ford, and at daylight +ferried it across on two fence rails lashed together with a suspender. +Its losses, from an effective strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General +Buxter is dead. I am changing my base to Mobile, Alabama. + + +_From Brigadier-General Schneddeker Baumschank, C.S.A., to the +Confederate Secretary of War._ + +IODINE, KENTUCKY, February 6, 1862. + +... Yoost den somdings occur, I know nod vot it vos--somdings +mackneefcent, but it vas nod vor--und I finds meinselluf, afder leedle +viles, in dis blace, midout a hors und mit no men und goons. Sheneral +Peelows is deadt, You will blease be so goot as to resign me--I vights +no more in a dam gontry vere I gets vipped und knows nod how it vos +done. + + +_Resolutions of Congress_, February 15, 1862. + +_Resolved_, That the thanks of Congress are due, and hereby tendered, to +Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the gallant men under his command for +their unparalleled feat of attacking--themselves only 2000 strong--an +army of 25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making +prisoners of 19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, taking 32 +guns, 20,000 stand of small arms and, in short, the enemy's entire +equipment. + +_Resolved_, That for this unexampled victory the President be requested +to designate a day of thanksgiving and public celebration of religious +rites in the various churches. + +_Resolved_, That he be requested, in further commemoration of the great +event, and in reward of the gallant spirits whose deeds have added such +imperishable lustre to the American arms, to appoint, with the advice +and consent of the Senate, the following officer: + +One major-general. + + +_Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton, of Jayhawk, Kentucky._ + +Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes aint wuf +shuks, but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I cotch de mummer o' +v'ices I knowed dat gang b'long on de far side o' de ribber. So I jes' +runs in de house an' wakes Marse Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' +yo' life!" An' de Lo'd bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right fru de +winder in his shir' tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem +twenty-free hunerd mules dey jes' t'nk it is de debble hese'f wid de +brandin' iron, an' dey bu'st outen dat patch like a yarthquake, an' pile +inter de upper ford road, an' flash down it five deep, an' it full o' +Con-fed'rates from en' to en'!... + + + + +THE WIDOWER TURMORE + + +The circumstances under which Joram Turmore became a widower have never +been popularly understood. I know them, naturally, for I am Joram +Turmore; and my wife, the late Elizabeth Mary Turmore, is by no means +ignorant of them; but although she doubtless relates them, yet they +remain a secret, for not a soul has ever believed her. + +When I married Elizabeth Mary Johnin she was very wealthy, otherwise I +could hardly have afforded to marry, for I had not a cent, and Heaven +had not put into my heart any intention to earn one. I held the +Professorship of Cats in the University of Graymaulkin, and scholastic +pursuits had unfitted me for the heat and burden of business or labor. +Moreover, I could not forget that I was a Turmore--a member of a family +whose motto from the time of William of Normandy has been _Laborare est +errare_. The only known infraction of the sacred family tradition +occurred when Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore, an illustrious +master burglar of the seventeenth century, personally assisted at a +difficult operation undertaken by some of his workmen. That blot upon +our escutcheon cannot be contemplated without the most poignant +mortification. + +My incumbency of the Chair of Cats in the Graymaulkin University had +not, of course, been marked by any instance of mean industry. There had +never, at any one time, been more than two students of the Noble +Science, and by merely repeating the manuscript lectures of my +predecessor, which I had found among his effects (he died at sea on his +way to Malta) I could sufficiently sate their famine for knowledge +without really earning even the distinction which served in place of +salary. + +Naturally, under the straitened circumstances, I regarded Elizabeth Mary +as a kind of special Providence. She unwisely refused to share her +fortune with me, but for that I cared nothing; for, although by the laws +of that country (as is well known) a wife has control of her separate +property during her life, it passes to the husband at her death; nor can +she dispose of it otherwise by will. The mortality among wives is +considerable, but not excessive. + +Having married Elizabeth Mary and, as it were, ennobled her by making +her a Turmore, I felt that the manner of her death ought, in some sense, +to match her social distinction. If I should remove her by any of the +ordinary marital methods I should incur a just reproach, as one +destitute of a proper family pride. Yet I could not hit upon a suitable +plan. + +In this emergency I decided to consult the Turmore archives, a priceless +collection of documents, comprising the records of the family from the +time of its founder in the seventh century of our era. I knew that among +these sacred muniments I should find detailed accounts of all the +principal murders committed by my sainted ancestors for forty +generations. From that mass of papers I could hardly fail to derive the +most valuable suggestions. + +The collection contained also most interesting relics. There were +patents of nobility granted to my forefathers for daring and ingenious +removals of pretenders to thrones, or occupants of them; stars, crosses +and other decorations attesting services of the most secret and +unmentionable character; miscellaneous gifts from the world's greatest +conspirators, representing an intrinsic money value beyond computation. +There were robes, jewels, swords of honor, and every kind of +"testimonials of esteem"; a king's skull fashioned into a wine cup; the +title deeds to vast estates, long alienated by confiscation, sale, or +abandonment; an illuminated breviary that had belonged to Sir Aldebaran +Turmore de Peters-Turmore of accursed memory; embalmed ears of several +of the family's most renowned enemies; the small intestine of a certain +unworthy Italian statesman inimical to Turmores, which, twisted into a +jumping rope, had served the youth of six kindred generations--mementoes +and souvenirs precious beyond the appraisals of imagination, but by the +sacred mandates of tradition and sentiment forever inalienable by sale +or gift. + +As the head of the family, I was custodian of all these priceless +heirlooms, and for their safe keeping had constructed in the basement of +my dwelling a strong-room of massive masonry, whose solid stone walls +and single iron door could defy alike the earthquake's shock, the +tireless assaults of Time, and Cupidity's unholy hand. + +To this thesaurus of the soul, redolent of sentiment and tenderness, and +rich in suggestions of crime, I now repaired for hints upon +assassination. To my unspeakable astonishment and grief I found it +empty! Every shelf, every chest, every coffer had been rifled. Of that +unique and incomparable collection not a vestige remained! Yet I proved +that until I had myself unlocked the massive metal door, not a bolt nor +bar had been disturbed; the seals upon the lock had been intact. + +I passed the night in alternate lamentation and research, equally +fruitless, the mystery was impenetrable to conjecture, the pain +invincible to balm. But never once throughout that dreadful night did my +firm spirit relinquish its high design against Elizabeth Mary, and +daybreak found me more resolute than before to harvest the fruits of my +marriage. My great loss seemed but to bring me into nearer spiritual +relations with my dead ancestors, and to lay upon me a new and more +inevitable obedience to the suasion that spoke in every globule of my +blood. + +My plan of action was soon formed, and procuring a stout cord I entered +my wife's bedroom finding her, as I expected, in a sound sleep. Before +she was awake, I had her bound fast, hand and foot. She was greatly +surprised and pained, but heedless of her remonstrances, delivered in a +high key, I carried her into the now rifled strong-room, which I had +never suffered her to enter, and of whose treasures I had not apprised +her. Seating her, still bound, in an angle of the wall, I passed the +next two days and nights in conveying bricks and mortar to the spot, and +on the morning of the third day had her securely walled in, from floor +to ceiling. All this time I gave no further heed to her pleas for mercy +than (on her assurance of non-resistance, which I am bound to say she +honorably observed) to grant her the freedom of her limbs. The space +allowed her was about four feet by six. As I inserted the last bricks of +the top course, in contact with the ceiling of the strong-room, she bade +me farewell with what I deemed the composure of despair, and I rested +from my work, feeling that I had faithfully observed the traditions of +an ancient and illustrious family. My only bitter reflection, so far as +my own conduct was concerned, came of the consciousness that in the +performance of my design I had labored; but this no living soul would +ever know. + +After a night's rest I went to the Judge of the Court of Successions and +Inheritances and made a true and sworn relation of all that I had +done--except that I ascribed to a servant the manual labor of building +the wall. His honor appointed a court commissioner, who made a careful +examination of the work, and upon his report Elizabeth Mary Turmore +was, at the end of a week, formally pronounced dead. By due process of +law I was put into possession of her estate, and although this was not +by hundreds of thousands of dollars as valuable as my lost treasures, it +raised me from poverty to affluence and brought me the respect of the +great and good. + +Some six months after these events strange rumors reached me that the +ghost of my deceased wife had been seen in several places about the +country, but always at a considerable distance from Graymaulkin. These +rumors, which I was unable to trace to any authentic source, differed +widely in many particulars, but were alike in ascribing to the +apparition a certain high degree of apparent worldly prosperity combined +with an audacity most uncommon in ghosts. Not only was the spirit +attired in most costly raiment, but it walked at noonday, and even +drove! I was inexpressibly annoyed by these reports, and thinking there +might be something more than superstition in the popular belief that +only the spirits of the unburied dead still walk the earth, I took some +workmen equipped with picks and crowbars into the now long unentered +strong-room, and ordered them to demolish the brick wall that I had +built about the partner of my joys. I was resolved to give the body of +Elizabeth Mary such burial as I thought her immortal part might be +willing to accept as an equivalent to the privilege of ranging at will +among the haunts of the living. + +In a few minutes we had broken down the wall and, thrusting a lamp +through the breach, I looked in. Nothing! Not a bone, not a lock of +hair, not a shred of clothing--the narrow space which, upon my +affidavit, had been legally declared to hold all that was mortal of the +late Mrs. Turmore was absolutely empty! This amazing disclosure, coming +upon a mind already overwrought with too much of mystery and excitement, +was more than I could bear. I shrieked aloud and fell in a fit. For +months afterward I lay between life and death, fevered and delirious; +nor did I recover until my physician had had the providence to take a +case of valuable jewels from my safe and leave the country. + +The next summer I had occasion to visit my wine cellar, in one corner of +which I had built the now long disused strong-room. In moving a cask of +Madeira I struck it with considerable force against the partition wall, +and was surprised to observe that it displaced two large square stones +forming a part of the wall. + +Applying my hands to these, I easily pushed them out entirely, and +looking through saw that they had fallen into the niche in which I had +immured my lamented wife; facing the opening which their fall left, and +at a distance of four feet, was the brickwork which my own hands had +made for that unfortunate gentlewoman's restraint. At this significant +revelation I began a search of the wine cellar. Behind a row of casks I +found four historically interesting but intrinsically valueless objects: + +First, the mildewed remains of a ducal robe of state (Florentine) of the +eleventh century; second, an illuminated vellum breviary with the name +of Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore inscribed in colors on the +title page; third, a human skull fashioned into a drinking cup and +deeply stained with wine; fourth, the iron cross of a Knight Commander +of the Imperial Austrian Order of Assassins by Poison. + +That was all--not an object having commercial value, no papers--nothing. +But this was enough to clear up the mystery of the strong-room. My wife +had early divined the existence and purpose of that apartment, and with +the skill amounting to genius had effected an entrance by loosening the +two stones in the wall. + +Through that opening she had at several times abstracted the entire +collection, which doubtless she had succeeded in converting into coin of +the realm. When with an unconscious justice which deprives me of all +satisfaction in the memory I decided to build her into the wall, by some +malign fatality I selected that part of it in which were these movable +stones, and doubtless before I had fairly finished my bricklaying she +had removed them and, slipping through into the wine cellar, replaced +them as they were originally laid. From the cellar she had easily +escaped unobserved, to enjoy her infamous gains in distant parts. I have +endeavored to procure a warrant, but the Lord High Baron of the Court of +Indictment and Conviction reminds me that she is legally dead, and says +my only course is to go before the Master in Cadavery and move for a +writ of disinterment and constructive revival. So it looks as if I must +suffer without redress this great wrong at the hands of a woman devoid +alike of principle and shame. + + + + +THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY + + +I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was twenty-three +years old never knew the possibilities of happiness latent in another +person's coin. At that time Providence threw me into a deep sleep and +revealed to me in a dream the folly of labor. "Behold," said a vision of +a holy hermit, "the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the +teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet of straw +and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The flowers nod their +heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The lark greets you with a +burst of song. The early sun sheds his temperate beams upon you, and +from the dewy grass you inhale an atmosphere cool and grateful to your +lungs. All nature seems to salute you with the joy of a generous servant +welcoming a faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood +and your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the plow, +hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the morn, maturing +the charms of the landscape and confirming its benediction upon your +spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue invokes repose, and seating +yourself upon the earth at the end of your furrow you expect to enjoy in +fulness the delights of which you did but taste. + +"Alas! the sun has climbed into a brazen sky and his beams are become a +torrent. The flowers have closed their petals, confining their perfume +and denying their colors to the eye. Coolness no longer exhales from the +grass: the dew has vanished and the dry surface of the fields repeats +the fierce heat of the sky. No longer the birds of heaven salute you +with melody, but the jay harshly upbraids you from the edge of the +copse. Unhappy man! all the gentle and healing ministrations of nature +are denied you in punishment of your sin. You have broken the First +Commandment of the Natural Decalogue: you have labored!" + +Awakening from my dream, I collected my few belongings, bade adieu to my +erring parents and departed out of that land, pausing at the grave of my +grandfather, who had been a priest, to take an oath that never again, +Heaven helping me, would I earn an honest penny. + +How long I traveled I know not, but I came at last to a great city by +the sea, where I set up as a physician. The name of that place I do not +now remember, for such were my activity and renown in my new profession +that the Aldermen, moved by pressure of public opinion, altered it, and +thenceforth the place was known as the City of the Gone Away. It is +needless to say that I had no knowledge of medicine, but by securing the +service of an eminent forger I obtained a diploma purporting to have +been granted by the Royal Quackery of Charlatanic Empiricism at Hoodos, +which, framed in immortelles and suspended by a bit of _crêpe_ to a +willow in front of my office, attracted the ailing in great numbers. In +connection with my dispensary I conducted one of the largest undertaking +establishments ever known, and as soon as my means permitted, purchased +a wide tract of land and made it into a cemetery. I owned also some very +profitable marble works on one side of the gateway to the cemetery, and +on the other an extensive flower garden. My Mourner's Emporium was +patronized by the beauty, fashion and sorrow of the city. In short, I +was in a very prosperous way of business, and within a year was able to +send for my parents and establish my old father very comfortably as a +receiver of stolen goods--an act which I confess was saved from the +reproach of filial gratitude only by my exaction of all the profits. + +But the vicissitudes of fortune are avoidable only by practice of the +sternest indigence: human foresight cannot provide against the envy of +the gods and the tireless machinations of Fate. The widening circle of +prosperity grows weaker as it spreads until the antagonistic forces +which it has pushed back are made powerful by compression to resist and +finally overwhelm. So great grew the renown of my skill in medicine that +patients were brought to me from all the four quarters of the globe. +Burdensome invalids whose tardiness in dying was a perpetual grief to +their friends; wealthy testators whose legatees were desirous to come by +their own; superfluous children of penitent parents and dependent +parents of frugal children; wives of husbands ambitious to remarry and +husbands of wives without standing in the courts of divorce--these and +all conceivable classes of the surplus population were conducted to my +dispensary in the City of the Gone Away. They came in incalculable +multitudes. + +Government agents brought me caravans of orphans, paupers, lunatics and +all who had become a public charge. My skill in curing orphanism and +pauperism was particularly acknowledged by a grateful parliament. + +Naturally, all this promoted the public prosperity, for although I got +the greater part of the money that strangers expended in the city, the +rest went into the channels of trade, and I was myself a liberal +investor, purchaser and employer, and a patron of the arts and sciences. +The City of the Gone Away grew so rapidly that in a few years it had +inclosed my cemetery, despite its own constant growth. In that fact lay +the lion that rent me. + +The Aldermen declared my cemetery a public evil and decided to take it +from me, remove the bodies to another place and make a park of it. I was +to be paid for it and could easily bribe the appraisers to fix a high +price, but for a reason which will appear the decision gave me little +joy. It was in vain that I protested against the sacrilege of disturbing +the holy dead, although this was a powerful appeal, for in that land the +dead are held in religious veneration. Temples are built in their honor +and a separate priesthood maintained at the public expense, whose only +duty is performance of memorial services of the most solemn and touching +kind. On four days in the year there is a Festival of the Good, as it is +called, when all the people lay by their work or business and, headed by +the priests, march in procession through the cemeteries, adorning the +graves and praying in the temples. However bad a man's life may be, it +is believed that when dead he enters into a state of eternal and +inexpressible happiness. To signify a doubt of this is an offense +punishable by death. To deny burial to the dead, or to exhume a buried +body, except under sanction of law by special dispensation and with +solemn ceremony, is a crime having no stated penalty because no one has +ever had the hardihood to commit it. + +All these considerations were in my favor, yet so well assured were the +people and their civic officers that my cemetery was injurious to the +public health that it was condemned and appraised, and with terror in my +heart I received three times its value and began to settle up my affairs +with all speed. + +A week later was the day appointed for the formal inauguration of the +ceremony of removing the bodies. The day was fine and the entire +population of the city and surrounding country was present at the +imposing religious rites. These were directed by the mortuary priesthood +in full canonicals. There was propitiatory sacrifice in the Temples of +the Once, followed by a processional pageant of great splendor, ending +at the cemetery. The Great Mayor in his robe of state led the +procession. He was armed with a golden spade and followed by one hundred +male and female singers, clad all in white and chanting the Hymn to the +Gone Away. Behind these came the minor priesthood of the temples, all +the civic authorities, habited in their official apparel, each carrying +a living pig as an offering to the gods of the dead. Of the many +divisions of the line, the last was formed by the populace, with +uncovered heads, sifting dust into their hair in token of humility. In +front of the mortuary chapel in the midst of the necropolis, the Supreme +Priest stood in gorgeous vestments, supported on each hand by a line of +bishops and other high dignitaries of his prelacy, all frowning with the +utmost austerity. As the Great Mayor paused in the Presence, the minor +clergy, the civic authorities, the choir and populace closed in and +encompassed the spot. The Great Mayor, laying his golden spade at the +feet of the Supreme Priest, knelt in silence. + +"Why comest thou here, presumptuous mortal?" said the Supreme Priest in +clear, deliberate tones. "Is it thy unhallowed purpose with this +implement to uncover the mysteries of death and break the repose of the +Good?" + +The Great Mayor, still kneeling, drew from his robe a document with +portentous seals: "Behold, O ineffable, thy servant, having warrant of +his people, entreateth at thy holy hands the custody of the Good, to the +end and purpose that they lie in fitter earth, by consecration duly +prepared against their coming." + +With that he placed in the sacerdotal hands the order of the Council of +Aldermen decreeing the removal. Merely touching the parchment, the +Supreme Priest passed it to the Head Necropolitan at his side, and +raising his hands relaxed the severity of his countenance and exclaimed: +"The gods comply." + +Down the line of prelates on either side, his gesture, look and words +were successively repeated. The Great Mayor rose to his feet, the choir +began a solemn chant and, opportunely, a funeral car drawn by ten white +horses with black plumes rolled in at the gate and made its way through +the parting crowd to the grave selected for the occasion--that of a high +official whom I had treated for chronic incumbency. The Great Mayor +touched the grave with his golden spade (which he then presented to the +Supreme Priest) and two stalwart diggers with iron ones set vigorously +to work. + +At that moment I was observed to leave the cemetery and the country; for +a report of the rest of the proceedings I am indebted to my sainted +father, who related it in a letter to me, written in jail the night +before he had the irreparable misfortune to take the kink out of a rope. + +As the workmen proceeded with their excavation, four bishops stationed +themselves at the corners of the grave and in the profound silence of +the multitude, broken otherwise only by the harsh grinding sound of +spades, repeated continuously, one after another, the solemn invocations +and responses from the Ritual of the Disturbed, imploring the blessed +brother to forgive. But the blessed brother was not there. Full fathom +two they mined for him in vain, then gave it up. The priests were +visibly disconcerted, the populace was aghast, for that grave was +indubitably vacant. + +After a brief consultation with the Supreme Priest, the Great Mayor +ordered the workmen to open another grave. The ritual was omitted this +time until the coffin should be uncovered. There was no coffin, no body. + + +The cemetery was now a scene of the wildest confusion and dismay. The +people shouted and ran hither and thither, gesticulating, clamoring, all +talking at once, none listening. Some ran for spades, fire-shovels, +hoes, sticks, anything. Some brought carpenters' adzes, even chisels +from the marble works, and with these inadequate aids set to work upon +the first graves they came to. Others fell upon the mounds with their +bare hands, scraping away the earth as eagerly as dogs digging for +marmots. Before nightfall the surface of the greater part of the +cemetery had been upturned; every grave had been explored to the bottom +and thousands of men were tearing away at the interspaces with as +furious a frenzy as exhaustion would permit. As night came on torches +were lighted, and in the sinister glare these frantic mortals, looking +like a legion of fiends performing some unholy rite, pursued their +disappointing work until they had devastated the entire area. But not a +body did they find--not even a coffin. + +The explanation is exceedingly simple. An important part of my income +had been derived from the sale of _cadavres_ to medical colleges, which +never before had been so well supplied, and which, in added recognition +of my services to science, had all bestowed upon me diplomas, degrees +and fellowships without number. But their demand for _cadavres_ was +unequal to my supply: by even the most prodigal extravagances they could +not consume the one-half of the products of my skill as a physician. As +to the rest, I had owned and operated the most extensive and thoroughly +appointed soapworks in all the country. The excellence of my "Toilet +Homoline" was attested by certificates from scores of the saintliest +theologians, and I had one in autograph from Badelina Fatti the most +famous living soaprano. + + + + +THE MAJOR'S TALE + + +In the days of the Civil War practical joking had not, I think, fallen +into that disrepute which characterizes it now. That, doubtless, was +owing to our extreme youth--men were much younger than now, and evermore +your very young man has a boisterous spirit, running easily to +horse-play. You cannot think how young the men were in the early +sixties! Why, the average age of the entire Federal Army was not more +than twenty-five; I doubt if it was more than twenty-three, but not +having the statistics on that point (if there are any) I want to be +moderate: we will say twenty-five. It is true a man of twenty-five was +in that heroic time a good deal more of a man than one of that age is +now; you could see that by looking at him. His face had nothing of that +unripeness so conspicuous in his successor. I never see a young fellow +now without observing how disagreeably young he really is; but during the +war we did not think of a man's age at all unless he happened to be +pretty well along in life. In that case one could not help it, for the +unloveliness of age assailed the human countenance then much earlier +than now; the result, I suppose, of hard service--perhaps, to some +extent, of hard drink, for, bless my soul! we did shed the blood of the +grape and the grain abundantly during the war. I remember thinking +General Grant, who could not have been more than forty, a pretty well +preserved old chap, considering his habits. As to men of middle age--say +from fifty to sixty--why, they all looked fit to personate the Last of +the Hittites, or the Madagascarene Methuselah, in a museum. Depend upon +it, my friends, men of that time were greatly younger than men are +to-day, but looked much older. The change is quite remarkable. + +I said that practical joking had not then gone out of fashion. It had +not, at least, in the army; though possibly in the more serious life of +the civilian it had no place except in the form of tarring and +feathering an occasional "copperhead." You all know, I suppose, what a +"copperhead" was, so I will go directly at my story without introductory +remark, as is my way. + +It was a few days before the battle of Nashville. The enemy had driven +us up out of northern Georgia and Alabama. At Nashville we had turned at +bay and fortified, while old Pap Thomas, our commander, hurried down +reinforcements and supplies from Louisville. Meantime Hood, the +Confederate commander, had partly invested us and lay close enough to +have tossed shells into the heart of the town. As a rule he +abstained--he was afraid of killing the families of his own soldiers, I +suppose, a great many of whom had lived there. I sometimes wondered what +were the feelings of those fellows, gazing over our heads at their own +dwellings, where their wives and children or their aged parents were +perhaps suffering for the necessaries of life, and certainly (so their +reasoning would run) cowering under the tyranny and power of the +barbarous Yankees. + +To begin, then, at the beginning, I was serving at that time on the +staff of a division commander whose name I shall not disclose, for I am +relating facts, and the person upon whom they bear hardest may have +surviving relatives who would not care to have him traced. Our +headquarters were in a large dwelling which stood just behind our line +of works. This had been hastily abandoned by the civilian occupants, who +had left everything pretty much as it was--had no place to store it, +probably, and trusted that Heaven would preserve it from Federal +cupidity and Confederate artillery. With regard to the latter we were as +solicitous as they. + +Rummaging about in some of the chambers and closets one evening, some of +us found an abundant supply of lady-gear--gowns, shawls, bonnets, hats, +petticoats and the Lord knows what; I could not at that time have named +the half of it. The sight of all this pretty plunder inspired one of us +with what he was pleased to call an "idea," which, when submitted to the +other scamps and scapegraces of the staff, met with instant and +enthusiastic approval. We proceeded at once to act upon it for the +undoing of one of our comrades. + +Our selected victim was an aide, Lieutenant Haberton, so to call him. He +was a good soldier--as gallant a chap as ever wore spurs; but he had an +intolerable weakness: he was a lady-killer, and like most of his class, +even in those days, eager that all should know it. He never tired of +relating his amatory exploits, and I need not say how dismal that kind +of narrative is to all but the narrator. It would be dismal even if +sprightly and vivacious, for all men are rivals in woman's favor, and to +relate your successes to another man is to rouse in him a dumb +resentment, tempered by disbelief. You will not convince him that you +tell the tale for his entertainment; he will hear nothing in it but an +expression of your own vanity. Moreover, as most men, whether rakes or +not, are willing to be thought rakes, he is very likely to resent a +stupid and unjust inference which he suspects you to have drawn from his +reticence in the matter of his own adventures--namely, that he has had +none. If, on the other hand, he has had no scruple in the matter and his +reticence is due to lack of opportunity to talk, or of nimbleness in +taking advantage of it, why, then he will be surly because you "have the +floor" when he wants it himself. There are, in short, no circumstances +under which a man, even from the best of motives, or no motive at all, +can relate his feats of love without distinctly lowering himself in the +esteem of his male auditor; and herein lies a just punishment for such +as kiss and tell. In my younger days I was myself not entirely out of +favor with the ladies, and have a memory stored with much concerning +them which doubtless I might put into acceptable narrative had I not +undertaken another tale, and if it were not my practice to relate one +thing at a time, going straight away to the end, without digression. + +Lieutenant Haberton was, it must be confessed, a singularly handsome man +with engaging manners. He was, I suppose, judging from the imperfect +view-point of my sex, what women call "fascinating." Now, the qualities +which make a man attractive to ladies entail a double disadvantage. +First, they are of a sort readily discerned by other men, and by none +more readily than by those who lack them. Their possessor, being feared +by all these, is habitually slandered by them in self-defense. To all +the ladies in whose welfare they deem themselves entitled to a voice and +interest they hint at the vices and general unworth of the "ladies' man" +in no uncertain terms, and to their wives relate without shame the most +monstrous falsehoods about him. Nor are they restrained by the +consideration that he is their friend; the qualities which have engaged +their own admiration make it necessary to warn away those to whom the +allurement would be a peril. So the man of charming personality, while +loved by all the ladies who know him well, yet not too well, must endure +with such fortitude as he may the consciousness that those others who +know him only "by reputation" consider him a shameless reprobate, a +vicious and unworthy man--a type and example of moral depravity. To name +the second disadvantage entailed by his charms: he commonly is. + +In order to get forward with our busy story (and in my judgment a story +once begun should not suffer impedition) it is necessary to explain that +a young fellow attached to our headquarters as an orderly was notably +effeminate in face and figure. He was not more than seventeen and had a +perfectly smooth face and large lustrous eyes, which must have been the +envy of many a beautiful woman in those days. And how beautiful the +women of those days were! and how gracious! Those of the South showed in +their demeanor toward us Yankees something of _hauteur_, but, for my +part, I found it less insupportable than the studious indifference with +which one's attentions are received by the ladies of this new +generation, whom I certainly think destitute of sentiment and +sensibility. + +This young orderly, whose name was Arman, we persuaded--by what +arguments I am not bound to say--to clothe himself in female attire and +personate a lady. When we had him arrayed to our satisfaction--and a +charming girl he looked--he was conducted to a sofa in the office of the +adjutant-general. That officer was in the secret, as indeed were all +excepting Haberton and the general; within the awful dignity hedging the +latter lay possibilities of disapproval which we were unwilling to +confront. + +When all was ready I went to Haberton and said: "Lieutenant, there is a +young woman in the adjutant-general's office. She is the daughter of the +insurgent gentleman who owns this house, and has, I think, called to see +about its present occupancy. We none of us know just how to talk to her, +but we think perhaps you would say about the right thing--at least you +will say things in the right way. Would you mind coming down?" + +The lieutenant would not mind; he made a hasty toilet and joined me. As +we were going along a passage toward the Presence we encountered a +formidable obstacle--the general. + +"I say, Broadwood," he said, addressing me in the familiar manner which +meant that he was in excellent humor, "there's a lady in Lawson's +office. Looks like a devilish fine girl--came on some errand of mercy or +justice, no doubt. Have the goodness to conduct her to my quarters. I +won't saddle you youngsters with _all_ the business of this division," +he added facetiously. + +This was awkward; something had to be done. + +"General," I said, "I did not think the lady's business of sufficient +importance to bother you with it. She is one of the Sanitary +Commission's nurses, and merely wants to see about some supplies for the +smallpox hospital where she is on duty. I'll send her in at once." + +"You need not mind," said the general, moving on; "I dare say Lawson +will attend to the matter." + +Ah, the gallant general! how little I thought, as I looked after his +retreating figure and laughed at the success of my ruse, that within the +week he would be "dead on the field of honor!" Nor was he the only one +of our little military household above whom gloomed the shadow of the +death angel, and who might almost have heard "the beating of his wings." +On that bleak December morning a few days later, when from an hour +before dawn until ten o'clock we sat on horseback on those icy hills, +waiting for General Smith to open the battle miles away to the right, +there were eight of us. At the close of the fighting there were three. +There is now one. Bear with him yet a little while, oh, thrifty +generation; he is but one of the horrors of war strayed from his era +into yours. He is only the harmless skeleton at your feast and +peace-dance, responding to your laughter and your footing it featly, +with rattling fingers and bobbing skull--albeit upon suitable occasion, +with a partner of his choosing, he might do his little dance with the +best of you. + +As we entered the adjutant-general's office we observed that the entire +staff was there. The adjutant-general himself was exceedingly busy at +his desk. The commissary of subsistence played cards with the surgeon in +a bay window. The rest were in several parts of the room, reading or +conversing in low tones. On a sofa in a half lighted nook of the room, +at some distance from any of the groups, sat the "lady," closely veiled, +her eyes modestly fixed upon her toes. + +"Madam," I said, advancing with Haberton, "this officer will be pleased +to serve you if it is in his power. I trust that it is." + +With a bow I retired to the farther corner of the room and took part in +a conversation going on there, though I had not the faintest notion what +it was about, and my remarks had no relevancy to anything under the +heavens. A close observer would have noticed that we were all intently +watching Haberton and only "making believe" to do anything else. + +He was worth watching, too; the fellow was simply an _édition de luxe_ +of "Turveydrop on Deportment." As the "lady" slowly unfolded her tale of +grievances against our lawless soldiery and mentioned certain instances +of wanton disregard of property rights--among them, as to the imminent +peril of bursting our sides we partly overheard, the looting of her own +wardrobe--the look of sympathetic agony in Haberton's handsome face was +the very flower and fruit of histrionic art. His deferential and +assenting nods at her several statements were so exquisitely performed +that one could not help regretting their unsubstantial nature and the +impossibility of preserving them under glass for instruction and delight +of posterity. And all the time the wretch was drawing his chair nearer +and nearer. Once or twice he looked about to see if we were observing, +but we were in appearance blankly oblivious to all but one another and +our several diversions. The low hum of our conversation, the gentle +tap-tap of the cards as they fell in play and the furious scratching of +the adjutant-general's pen as he turned off countless pages of words +without sense were the only sounds heard. No--there was another: at long +intervals the distant boom of a heavy gun, followed by the approaching +rush of the shot. The enemy was amusing himself. + +On these occasions the lady was perhaps not the only member of that +company who was startled, but she was startled more than the others, +sometimes rising from the sofa and standing with clasped hands, the +authentic portrait of terror and irresolution. It was no more than +natural that Haberton should at these times reseat her with infinite +tenderness, assuring her of her safety and regretting her peril in the +same breath. It was perhaps right that he should finally possess himself +of her gloved hand and a seat beside her on the sofa; but it certainly +was highly improper for him to be in the very act of possessing himself +of _both_ hands when--boom, _whiz_, BANG! + +We all sprang to our feet. A shell had crashed into the house and +exploded in the room above us. Bushels of plaster fell among us. That +modest and murmurous young lady sprang erect. + +"Jumping Jee-rusalem!" she cried. + +Haberton, who had also risen, stood as one petrified--as a statue of +himself erected on the site of his assassination. He neither spoke, nor +moved, nor once took his eyes off the face of Orderly Arman, who was now +flinging his girl-gear right and left, exposing his charms in the most +shameless way; while out upon the night and away over the lighted camps +into the black spaces between the hostile lines rolled the billows of +our inexhaustible laughter! Ah, what a merry life it was in the old +heroic days when men had not forgotten how to laugh! + +Haberton slowly came to himself. He looked about the room less blankly; +then by degrees fashioned his visage into the sickliest grin that ever +libeled all smiling. He shook his head and looked knowing. + +"You can't fool _me_!" he said. + + + + +CURRIED COW + + +My Aunt Patience, who tilled a small farm in the state of Michigan, had +a favorite cow. This creature was not a good cow, nor a profitable one, +for instead of devoting a part of her leisure to secretion of milk and +production of veal she concentrated all her faculties on the study of +kicking. She would kick all day and get up in the middle of the night to +kick. She would kick at anything--hens, pigs, posts, loose stones, birds +in the air and fish leaping out of the water; to this impartial and +catholic-minded beef, all were equal--all similarly undeserving. Like +old Timotheus, who "raised a mortal to the skies," was my Aunt +Patience's cow; though, in the words of a later poet than Dryden, she +did it "more harder and more frequently." It was pleasing to see her +open a passage for herself through a populous barnyard. She would flash +out, right and left, first with one hind-leg and then with the other, +and would sometimes, under favoring conditions, have a considerable +number of domestic animals in the air at once. + +Her kicks, too, were as admirable in quality as inexhaustible in +quantity. They were incomparably superior to those of the untutored kine +that had not made the art a life study--mere amateurs that kicked "by +ear," as they say in music. I saw her once standing in the road, +professedly fast asleep, and mechanically munching her cud with a sort +of Sunday morning lassitude, as one munches one's cud in a dream. +Snouting about at her side, blissfully unconscious of impending danger +and wrapped up in thoughts of his sweetheart, was a gigantic black +hog--a hog of about the size and general appearance of a yearling +rhinoceros. Suddenly, while I looked--without a visible movement on the +part of the cow--with never a perceptible tremor of her frame, nor a +lapse in the placid regularity of her chewing--that hog had gone away +from there--had utterly taken his leave. But away toward the pale +horizon a minute black speck was traversing the empyrean with the speed +of a meteor, and in a moment had disappeared, without audible report, +beyond the distant hills. It may have been that hog. + +Currying cows is not, I think, a common practice, even in Michigan; but +as this one had never needed milking, of course she had to be subjected +to some equivalent form of persecution; and irritating her skin with a +currycomb was thought as disagreeable an attention as a thoughtful +affection could devise. At least she thought it so; though I suspect her +mistress really meant it for the good creature's temporal advantage. +Anyhow my aunt always made it a condition to the employment of a +farm-servant that he should curry the cow every morning; but after just +enough trials to convince himself that it was not a sudden spasm, nor a +mere local disturbance, the man would always give notice of an intention +to quit, by pounding the beast half-dead with some foreign body and then +limping home to his couch. I don't know how many men the creature +removed from my aunt's employ in this way, but judging from the number +of lame persons in that part of the country, I should say a good many; +though some of the lameness may have been taken at second-hand from the +original sufferers by their descendants, and some may have come by +contagion. + +I think my aunt's was a faulty system of agriculture. It is true her +farm labor cost her nothing, for the laborers all left her service +before any salary had accrued; but as the cow's fame spread abroad +through the several States and Territories, it became increasingly +difficult to obtain hands; and, after all, the favorite was imperfectly +curried. It was currently remarked that the cow had kicked the farm to +pieces--a rude metaphor, implying that the land was not properly +cultivated, nor the buildings and fences kept in adequate repair. + +It was useless to remonstrate with my aunt: she would concede +everything, amending nothing. Her late husband had attempted to reform +the abuse in this manner, and had had the argument all his own way until +he had remonstrated himself into an early grave; and the funeral was +delayed all day, until a fresh undertaker could be procured, the one +originally engaged having confidingly undertaken to curry the cow at the +request of the widow. + +Since that time my Aunt Patience had not been in the matrimonial market; +the love of that cow had usurped in her heart the place of a more +natural and profitable affection. But when she saw her seeds unsown, her +harvests ungarnered, her fences overtopped with rank brambles and her +meadows gorgeous with the towering Canada thistle she thought it best to +take a partner. + +When it transpired that my Aunt Patience intended wedlock there was +intense popular excitement. Every adult single male became at once a +marrying man. The criminal statistics of Badger county show that in that +single year more marriages occurred than in any decade before or since. +But none of them was my aunt's. Men married their cooks, their +laundresses, their deceased wives' mothers, their enemies' +sisters--married whomsoever would wed; and any man who, by fair means or +courtship, could not obtain a wife went before a justice of the peace +and made an affidavit that he had some wives in Indiana. Such was the +fear of being married alive by my Aunt Patience. + +Now, where my aunt's affection was concerned she was, as the reader will +have already surmised, a rather determined woman; and the extraordinary +marrying epidemic having left but one eligible male in all that county, +she had set her heart upon that one eligible male; then she went and +carted him to her home. He turned out to be a long Methodist parson, +named Huggins. + +Aside from his unconscionable length, the Rev. Berosus Huggins was not +so bad a fellow, and was nobody's fool. He was, I suppose, the most +ill-favored mortal, however, in the whole northern half of +America--thin, angular, cadaverous of visage and solemn out of all +reason. He commonly wore a low-crowned black hat, set so far down upon +his head as partly to eclipse his eyes and wholly obscure the ample +glory of his ears. The only other visible article of his attire (except +a brace of wrinkled cowskin boots, by which the word "polish" would have +been considered the meaningless fragment of a lost language) was a +tight-fitting black frock-coat, preternaturally long in the waist, the +skirts of which fell about his heels, sopping up the dew. This he always +wore snugly buttoned from the throat downward. In this attire he cut a +tolerably spectral figure. His aspect was so conspicuously unnatural and +inhuman that whenever he went into a cornfield, the predatory crows +would temporarily forsake their business to settle upon him in swarms, +fighting for the best seats upon his person, by way of testifying their +contempt for the weak inventions of the husbandman. + +The day after the wedding my Aunt Patience summoned the Rev. Berosus to +the council chamber, and uttered her mind to the following intent: + +"Now, Huggy, dear, I'll tell you what there is to do about the place. +First, you must repair all the fences, clearing out the weeds and +repressing the brambles with a strong hand. Then you will have to +exterminate the Canadian thistles, mend the wagon, rig up a plow or two, +and get things into ship-shape generally. This will keep you out of +mischief for the better part of two years; of course you will have to +give up preaching, for the present. As soon as you have--O! I forgot +poor Phoebe. She"---- + +"Mrs. Huggins," interrupted her solemn spouse, "I shall hope to be the +means, under Providence, of effecting all needful reforms in the +husbandry of this farm. But the sister you mention (I trust she is not +of the world's people)--have I the pleasure of knowing her? The name, +indeed, sounds familiar, but"---- + +"Not know Phoebe!" cried my aunt, with unfeigned astonishment; "I +thought everybody in Badger knew Phoebe. Why, you will have to scratch +her legs, every blessed morning of your natural life!" + +"I assure you, madam," rejoined the Rev. Berosus, with dignity, "it +would yield me a hallowed pleasure to minister to the spiritual needs of +sister Phoebe, to the extent of my feeble and unworthy ability; but, +really, I fear the merely secular ministration of which you speak must +be entrusted to abler and, I would respectfully suggest, female hands." + + +"Whyyy, youuu ooold, foooool!" replied my aunt, spreading her eyes with +unbounded amazement, "Phoebe is a _cow_!" + +"In that case," said the husband, with unruffled composure, "it will, of +course, devolve upon me to see that her carnal welfare is properly +attended to; and I shall be happy to bestow upon her legs such time as I +may, without sin, snatch from my strife with Satan and the Canadian +thistles." + +With that the Rev. Mr. Huggins crowded his hat upon his shoulders, +pronounced a brief benediction upon his bride, and betook himself to the +barn-yard. + +Now, it is necessary to explain that he had known from the first who +Phoebe was, and was familiar, from hearsay, with all her sinful traits. +Moreover, he had already done himself the honor of making her a visit, +remaining in the vicinity of her person, just out of range, for more +than an hour and permitting her to survey him at her leisure from every +point of the compass. In short, he and Phoebe had mutually reconnoitered +and prepared for action. + +Amongst the articles of comfort and luxury which went to make up the +good parson's _dot_, and which his wife had already caused to be +conveyed to his new home, was a patent cast-iron pump, about seven feet +high. This had been deposited near the barn-yard, preparatory to being +set up on the planks above the barn-yard well. Mr. Huggins now sought +out this invention and conveying it to its destination put it into +position, screwing it firmly to the planks. He next divested himself of +his long gaberdine and his hat, buttoning the former loosely about the +pump, which it almost concealed, and hanging the latter upon the summit +of the structure. The handle of the pump, when depressed, curved +outwardly between the coat-skirts, singularly like a tail, but with this +inconspicuous exception, any unprejudiced observer would have pronounced +the thing Mr. Huggins, looking uncommonly well. + +The preliminaries completed, the good man carefully closed the gate of +the barnyard, knowing that as soon as Phoebe, who was campaigning in the +kitchen garden, should note the precaution she would come and jump in to +frustrate it, which eventually she did. Her master, meanwhile, had laid +himself, coatless and hatless, along the outside of the close board +fence, where he put in the time pleasantly, catching his death of cold +and peering through a knot-hole. + +At first, and for some time, the animal pretended not to see the figure +on the platform. Indeed she had turned her back upon it directly she +arrived, affecting a light sleep. Finding that this stratagem did not +achieve the success that she had expected, she abandoned it and stood +for several minutes irresolute, munching her cud in a half-hearted way, +but obviously thinking very hard. Then she began nosing along the ground +as if wholly absorbed in a search for something that she had lost, +tacking about hither and thither, but all the time drawing nearer to the +object of her wicked intention. Arrived within speaking distance, she +stood for a little while confronting the fraudful figure, then put out +her nose toward it, as if to be caressed, trying to create the +impression that fondling and dalliance were more to her than wealth, +power and the plaudits of the populace--that she had been accustomed to +them all her sweet young life and could not get on without them. Then +she approached a little nearer, as if to shake hands, all the while +maintaining the most amiable expression of countenance and executing all +manner of seductive nods and winks and smiles. Suddenly she wheeled +about and with the rapidity of lightning dealt out a terrible kick--a +kick of inconceivable force and fury, comparable to nothing in nature +but a stroke of paralysis out of a clear sky! + +The effect was magical! Cows kick, not backward but sidewise. The impact +which was intended to project the counterfeit theologian into the middle +of the succeeding conference week reacted upon the animal herself, and +it and the pain together set her spinning like a top. Such was the +velocity of her revolution that she looked like a dim, circular cow, +surrounded by a continuous ring like that of the planet Saturn--the +white tuft at the extremity of her sweeping tail! Presently, as the +sustaining centrifugal force lessened and failed, she began to sway and +wabble from side to side, and finally, toppling over on her side, rolled +convulsively on her back and lay motionless with all her feet in the +air, honestly believing that the world had somehow got atop of her and +she was supporting it at a great sacrifice of personal comfort. Then she +fainted. + +How long she lay unconscious she knew not, but at last she unclosed her +eyes, and catching sight of the open door of her stall, "more sweet than +all the landscape smiling near," she struggled up, stood wavering upon +three legs, rubbed her eyes, and was visibly bewildered as to the points +of the compass. Observing the iron clergyman standing fast by its faith, +she threw it a look of grieved reproach and hobbled heart-broken into +her humble habitation, a subjugated cow. + +For several weeks Phoebe's right hind leg was swollen to a monstrous +growth, but by a season of judicious nursing she was "brought round all +right," as her sympathetic and puzzled mistress phrased it, or "made +whole," as the reticent man of God preferred to say. She was now as +tractable and inoffensive "in her daily walk and conversation" (Huggins) +as a little child. Her new master used to take her ailing leg trustfully +into his lap, and for that matter, might have taken it into his mouth if +he had so desired. Her entire character appeared to be radically +changed--so altered that one day my Aunt Patience, who, fondly as she +loved her, had never before so much as ventured to touch the hem of her +garment, as it were, went confidently up to her to soothe her with a pan +of turnips. Gad! how thinly she spread out that good old lady upon the +face of an adjacent stone wall! You could not have done it so evenly +with a trowel. + + + + +A REVOLT OF THE GODS + + +My father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, my mother kept the only shop +for the sale of cats'-meat in my native city. They did not live happily; +the difference in social rank was a chasm which could not be bridged by +the vows of marriage. It was indeed an ill-assorted and most unlucky +alliance; and as might have been foreseen it ended in disaster. One +morning after the customary squabbles at breakfast, my father rose from +the table, quivering and pale with wrath, and proceeding to the +parsonage thrashed the clergyman who had performed the marriage +ceremony. The act was generally condemned and public feeling ran so high +against the offender that people would permit dead dogs to lie on their +property until the fragrance was deafening rather than employ him; and +the municipal authorities suffered one bloated old mastiff to utter +itself from a public square in so clamorous an exhalation that passing +strangers supposed themselves to be in the vicinity of a saw-mill. My +father was indeed unpopular. During these dark days the family's sole +dependence was on my mother's emporium for cats'-meat. + +The business was profitable. In that city, which was the oldest in the +world, the cat was an object of veneration. Its worship was the religion +of the country. The multiplication and addition of cats were a perpetual +instruction in arithmetic. Naturally, any inattention to the wants of a +cat was punished with great severity in this world and the next; so my +good mother numbered her patrons by the hundred. Still, with an +unproductive husband and seventeen children she had some difficulty in +making both ends cats'-meat; and at last the necessity of increasing the +discrepancy between the cost price and the selling price of her carnal +wares drove her to an expedient which proved eminently disastrous: she +conceived the unlucky notion of retaliating by refusing to sell +cats'-meat until the boycott was taken off her husband. + +On the day when she put this resolution into practice the shop was +thronged with excited customers, and others extended in turbulent and +restless masses up four streets, out of sight. Inside there was nothing +but cursing, crowding, shouting and menace. Intimidation was freely +resorted to--several of my younger brothers and sisters being threatened +with cutting up for the cats--but my mother was as firm as a rock, and +the day was a black one for Sardasa, the ancient and sacred city that +was the scene of these events. The lock-out was vigorously maintained, +and seven hundred and fifty thousand cats went to bed hungry! + +The next morning the city was found to have been placarded during the +night with a proclamation of the Federated Union of Old Maids. This +ancient and powerful order averred through its Supreme Executive Head +that the boycotting of my father and the retaliatory lock-out of my +mother were seriously imperiling the interests of religion. The +proclamation went on to state that if arbitration were not adopted by +noon that day all the old maids of the federation would strike--and +strike they did. + +The next act of this unhappy drama was an insurrection of cats. These +sacred animals, seeing themselves doomed to starvation, held a +mass-meeting and marched in procession through the streets, swearing and +spitting like fiends. This revolt of the gods produced such +consternation that many pious persons died of fright and all business +was suspended to bury them and pass terrifying resolutions. + +Matters were now about as bad as it seemed possible for them to be. +Meetings among representatives of the hostile interests were held, but +no understanding was arrived at that would hold. Every agreement was +broken as soon as made, and each element of the discord was frantically +appealing to the people. A new horror was in store. + +It will be remembered that my father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, but +was unable to practice his useful and humble profession because no one +would employ him. The dead dogs in consequence reeked rascally. Then +they struck! From every vacant lot and public dumping ground, from every +hedge and ditch and gutter and cistern, every crystal rill and the +clabbered waters of all the canals and estuaries--from all the places, +in short, which from time immemorial have been preëmpted by dead dogs +and consecrated to the uses of them and their heirs and successors +forever--they trooped innumerous, a ghastly crew! Their procession was a +mile in length. Midway of the town it met the procession of cats in full +song. The cats instantly exalted their backs and magnified their tails; +the dead dogs uncovered their teeth as in life, and erected such of +their bristles as still adhered to the skin. + +The carnage that ensued was too awful for relation! The light of the sun +was obscured by flying fur, and the battle was waged in the darkness, +blindly and regardless. The swearing of the cats was audible miles away, +while the fragrance of the dead dogs desolated seven provinces. + +How the battle might have resulted it is impossible to say, but when it +was at its fiercest the Federated Union of Old Maids came running down a +side street and sprang into the thickest of the fray. A moment later my +mother herself bore down upon the warring hosts, brandishing a cleaver, +and laid about her with great freedom and impartiality. My father joined +the fight, the municipal authorities engaged, and the general public, +converging on the battle-field from all points of the compass, consumed +itself in the center as it pressed in from the circumference. Last of +all, the dead held a meeting in the cemetery and resolving on a general +strike, began to destroy vaults, tombs, monuments, headstones, willows, +angels and young sheep in marble--everything they could lay their hands +on. By nightfall the living and the dead were alike exterminated, and +where the ancient and sacred city of Sardasa had stood nothing remained +but an excavation filled with dead bodies and building materials, shreds +of cat and blue patches of decayed dog. The place is now a vast pool of +stagnant water in the center of a desert. + +The stirring events of those few days constituted my industrial +education, and so well have I improved my advantages that I am now Chief +of Misrule to the Dukes of Disorder, an organization numbering thirteen +million American workingmen. + + + + +THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO + + +It was a wicked thing to do, certainly. I have often regretted it since, +and if the opportunity of doing so again were presented I should +hesitate a long time before embracing it. But I was young then, and +cherished a species of humor which I have since abjured. Still, when I +remember the character of the people who were burlesquing and bringing +into disrepute the letter and spirit of our holy religion I feel a +certain satisfaction in having contributed one feeble effort toward +making them ridiculous. In consideration of the little good I may have +done in that way, I beg the reader to judge my conceded error as +leniently as possible. This is the story. + +Some years ago the town of Harding, in Illinois, experienced "a revival +of religion," as the people called it. It would have been more accurate +and less profane to term it a revival of Rampageanism, for the craze +originated in, and was disseminated by, the sect which I will call the +Rampagean communion; and most of the leaping and howling was done in +that interest. Amongst those who yielded to the influence was my friend +Thomas Dobsho. Tom had been a pretty bad sinner in a small way, but he +went into this new thing heart and soul. At one of the meetings he made +a public confession of more sins than he ever was, or ever could have +been guilty of; stopping just short of statutory crimes, and even +hinting, significantly, that he could tell a good deal more if he were +pressed. He wanted to join the absurd communion the very evening of his +conversion. He wanted to join two or three communions. In fact, he was +so carried away with his zeal that some of the brethren gave me a hint +to take him home; he and I occupied adjoining apartments in the Elephant +Hotel. + +Tom's fervor, as it happened, came near defeating its own purpose; +instead of taking him at once into the fold without reference or +"character," which was their usual way, the brethren remembered against +him his awful confessions and put him on probation. But after a few +weeks, during which he conducted himself like a decent lunatic, it was +decided to baptise him along with a dozen other pretty hard cases who +had been converted more recently. This sacrilegious ceremony I persuaded +myself it was my duty to prevent, though I think now I erred as to the +means adopted. It was to take place on a Sunday, and on the preceding +Saturday I called on the head revivalist, the Rev. Mr. Swin, and craved +an interview. + +"I come," said I, with simulated reluctance and embarrassment, "in +behalf of my friend, Brother Dobsho, to make a very delicate and unusual +request. You are, I think, going to baptise him to-morrow, and I trust +it will be to him the beginning of a new and better life. But I don't +know if you are aware that his family are all Plungers, and that he is +himself tainted with the wicked heresy of that sect. So it is. He is, as +one might say in secular metaphor, 'on the fence' between their grievous +error and the pure faith of your church. It would be most melancholy if +he should get down on the wrong side. Although I confess with shame I +have not myself embraced the truth, I hope I am not too blind to see +where it lies." + +"The calamity that you apprehend," said the reverend lout, after solemn +reflection, "would indeed seriously affect our friend's interest and +endanger his soul. I had not expected Brother Dobsho so soon to give up +the good fight." + +"I think sir," I replied reflectively, "there is no fear of that if the +matter is skilfully managed. He is heartily with you--might I venture to +say with _us_--on every point but one. He favors immersion! He has been +so vile a sinner that he foolishly fears the more simple rite of your +church will not make him wet enough. Would you believe it? his +uninstructed scruples on the point are so gross and materialistic that +he actually suggested soaping himself as a preparatory ceremony! I +believe, however, if instead of sprinkling my friend, you would pour a +generous basinful of water on his head--but now that I think of it in +your enlightening presence I see that such a proceeding is quite out of +the question. I fear we must let matters take the usual course, trusting +to our later efforts to prevent the backsliding which may result." + +The parson rose and paced the floor a moment, then suggested that he'd +better see Brother Dobsho, and labor to remove his error. I told him I +thought not; I was sure it would not be best. Argument would only +confirm him in his prejudices. So it was settled that the subject should +not be broached in that quarter. It would have been bad for me if it had +been. + +When I reflect now upon the guile of that conversation, the falsehood of +my representations and the wickedness of my motive I am almost ashamed +to proceed with my narrative. Had the minister been other than an arrant +humbug, I hope I should never have suffered myself to make him the dupe +of a scheme so sacrilegious in itself, and prosecuted with so sinful a +disregard of honor. + +The memorable Sabbath dawned bright and beautiful. About nine o'clock +the cracked old bell, rigged up on struts before the "meeting-house," +began to clamor its call to service, and nearly the whole population of +Harding took its way to the performance. I had taken the precaution to +set my watch fifteen minutes fast. Tom was nervously preparing himself +for the ordeal. He fidgeted himself into his best suit an hour before +the time, carried his hat about the room in the most aimless and +demented way and consulted his watch a hundred times. I was to accompany +him to church, and I spent the time fussing about the room, doing the +most extraordinary things in the most exasperating manner--in short, +keeping up Tom's feverish excitement by every wicked device I could +think of. Within a half hour of the real time for service I suddenly +yelled out-- + +"O, I say, Tom; pardon me, but that head of yours is just frightful! +Please _do_ let me brush it up a bit!" + +Seizing him by the shoulders I thrust him into a chair with his face to +the wall, laid hold of his comb and brush, got behind him and went to +work. He was trembling like a child, and knew no more what I was doing +than if he had been brained. Now, Tom's head was a curiosity. His hair, +which was remarkably thick, was like wire. Being cut rather short it +stood out all over his scalp like the spines on a porcupine. It had been +a favorite complaint of Tom's that he never could do anything to that +head. I found no difficulty--I did something to it, though I blush to +think what it was. I did something which I feared he might discover if +he looked in the mirror, so I carelessly pulled out my watch, sprung it +open, gave a start and shouted-- + +"By Jove! Thomas--pardon the oath--but we're late. Your watch is all +wrong; look at mine! Here's your hat, old fellow; come along. There's +not a moment to lose!" + +Clapping his hat on his head, I pulled him out of the house, with actual +violence. In five minutes more we were in the meeting-house with ever so +much time to spare. + +The services that day, I am told, were specially interesting and +impressive, but I had a good deal else on my mind--was preoccupied, +absent, inattentive. They might have varied from the usual profane +exhibition in any respect and to any extent, and I should not have +observed it. The first thing I clearly perceived was a rank of +"converts" kneeling before the "altar," Tom at the left of the line. +Then the Rev. Mr. Swin approached him, thoughtfully dipping his fingers +into a small earthern bowl of water as if he had just finished dining. I +was much affected: I could see nothing distinctly for my tears. My +handkerchief was at my face--most of it inside. I was observed to sob +spasmodically, and I am abashed to think how many sincere persons +mistakenly followed my example. + +With some solemn words, the purport of which I did not quite make out, +except that they sounded like swearing, the minister stood before +Thomas, gave me a glance of intelligence and then with an innocent +expression of face, the recollection of which to this day fills me with +remorse, spilled, as if by accident, the entire contents of the bowl on +the head of my poor friend--that head into the hair of which I had +sifted a prodigal profusion of Seidlitz-powders! + +I confess it, the effect was magical--anyone who was present would tell +you that. Tom's pow simmered--it seethed--it foamed yeastily, and +slavered like a mad dog! It steamed and hissed, with angry spurts and +flashes! In a second it had grown bigger than a small snowbank, and +whiter. It surged, and boiled, and walloped, and overflowed, and +sputtered--sent off feathery flakes like down from a shot swan! The +froth poured creaming over his face, and got into his eyes. It was the +most sinful shampooing of the season! + +I cannot relate the commotion this produced, nor would I if I could. As +to Tom, he sprang to his feet and staggered out of the house, groping +his way between the pews, sputtering strangled profanity and gasping +like a stranded fish. The other candidates for baptism rose also, +shaking their pates as if to say, "No you don't, my hearty," and left +the house in a body. Amidst unbroken silence the minister reascended the +pulpit with the empty bowl in his hand, and was first to speak: + +"Brethren and sisters," said he with calm, deliberate evenness of tone, +"I have held forth in this tabernacle for many more years than I have +got fingers and toes, and during that time I have known not guile, nor +anger, nor any uncharitableness. As to Henry Barber, who put up this job +on me, I judge him not lest I be judged. Let him take _that_ and sin no +more!"--and he flung the earthern bowl with so true an aim that it was +shattered against my skull. The rebuke was not undeserved, I confess, +and I trust I have profited by it. + + + + +THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER + + +"It's all very well fer you Britishers to go assin' about the country +tryin' to strike the trail o' the mines you've salted down yer loose +carpital in," said Colonel Jackhigh, setting his empty glass on the +counter and wiping his lips with his coat sleeve; "but w'en it comes to +hoss racin', w'y I've got a cayuse ken lay over all the thurrerbreds yer +little mantel-ornyment of a island ever panned out--bet yer britches I +have! Talk about yer Durby winners--w'y this pisen little beast o' +mine'll take the bit in her teeth and show 'em the way to the horizon +like she was takin' her mornin' stroll and they was tryin' to keep an +eye on her to see she didn't do herself an injury--that's w'at she +would! And she haint never run a race with anything spryer'n an Injun in +all her life; she's a green amatoor, _she_ is!" + +"Oh, very well," said the Englishman with a quiet smile; "it is easy +enough to settle the matter. My animal is in tolerably good condition, +and if yours is in town we can have the race to-morrow for any stake you +like, up to a hundred dollars. + +"That's jest the figger," said the colonel; "dot it down, barkeep. But +it's like slarterin' the innocents," he added, half-remorsefully, as he +turned to leave; "it's bettin' on a dead sure thing--that's what it is! +If my cayuse knew wa't I was about she'd go and break a laig to make the +race a fair one." + +So it was arranged that the race was to come off at three o'clock the +next day, on the _mesa_, some distance from town. As soon as the news +got abroad, the whole population of Left Bower and vicinity knocked off +work and assembled in the various bars to discuss it. The Englishman and +his horse were general favorites, and aside from the unpopularity of the +colonel, nobody had ever seen his "cayuse." Still the element of +patriotism came in, making the betting very nearly even. + +A race-course was marked off on the _mesa_ and at the appointed hour +every one was there except the colonel. It was arranged that each man +should ride his own horse, and the Englishman, who had acquired +something of the free-and-easy bearing that distinguishes the "mining +sharp," was already atop of his magnificent animal, with one leg thrown +carelessly across the pommel of his Mexican saddle, as he puffed his +cigar with calm confidence in the result of the race. He was conscious, +too, that he possessed the secret sympathy of all, even of those who had +felt it their duty to bet against him. The judge, watch in hand, was +growing impatient, when the colonel appeared about a half-mile away, and +bore down upon the crowd. Everyone was eager to inspect his mount; and +such a mount as it proved to be was never before seen, even in Left +Bower! + +You have seen "perfect skeletons" of horses often enough, no doubt, but +this animal was not even a perfect skeleton; there were bones missing +here and there which you would not have believed the beast could have +spared. "Little" the colonel had called her! She was not an inch less +than eighteen hands high, and long out of all reasonable proportion. She +was so hollow in the back that she seemed to have been bent in a +machine. She had neither tail nor mane, and her neck, as long as a man, +stuck straight up into the air, supporting a head without ears. Her eyes +had an expression in them of downright insanity, and the muscles of her +face were afflicted with periodical convulsions that drew back the +corners of the mouth and wrinkled the upper lip so as to produce a +ghastly grin every two or three seconds. In color she was "claybank," +with great blotches of white, as if she had been pelted with small bags +of flour. The crookedness of her legs was beyond all comparison, and as +to her gait it was that of a blind camel walking diagonally across +innumerable deep ditches. Altogether she looked like the crude result of +Nature's first experiment in equifaction. + +As this libel on all horses shambled up to the starting post there was a +general shout; the sympathies of the crowd changed in the twinkling of +an eye! Everyone wanted to bet on her, and the Englishman himself was +only restrained from doing so by a sense of honor. It was growing late, +however, and the judge insisted on starting them. They got off very well +together, and seeing the mare was unconscionably slow the Englishman +soon pulled his animal in and permitted the ugly thing to pass him, so +as to enjoy a back view of her. That sealed his fate. The course had +been marked off in a circle of two miles in circumference and some +twenty feet wide, the limits plainly defined by little furrows. Before +the animals had gone a half mile both had been permitted to settle down +into a comfortable walk, in which they continued three-fourths of the +way round the ring. Then the Englishman thought it time to whip up and +canter in. + +But he didn't. As he came up alongside the "Lightning Express," as the +crowd had begun to call her, that creature turned her head diagonally +backward and let fall a smile. The encroaching beast stopped as if he +had been shot! His rider plied whip, and forced him again forward upon +the track of the equine hag, but with the same result. + +The Englishman was now alarmed; he struggled manfully with rein and whip +and shout, amidst the tremendous cheering and inextinguishable laughter +of the crowd, to force his animal past, now on this side, now on that, +but it would not do. Prompted by the fiend in the concavity of her back, +the unthinkable quadruped dropped her grins right and left with such +seasonable accuracy that again and again the competing beast was struck +"all of a heap" just at the moment of seeming success. And, finally, +when by a tremendous spurt his rider endeavored to thrust him by, within +half a dozen lengths of the winning post, the incarnate nightmare turned +squarely about and fixed upon him a portentous stare--delivering at the +same time a grimace of such prodigious ghastliness that the poor +thoroughbred, with an almost human scream of terror, wheeled about, and +tore away to the rear with the speed of the wind, leaving the colonel an +easy winner in twenty minutes and ten seconds. + + + + +THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +December 2, 1877._ + +I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my journey from +New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in Chicago, believe me, and +the Southron who comes here, as I did, without a relay of noses and ears +will have reason to regret his mistaken economy in arranging his outfit. + +To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy, O child of a torrid +clime, a sheet of anybody's ice, three hundred miles long, forty broad, +and six feet thick! It sounds like a lie, Pikey dear, but your partner +in the firm of Hope & Wandel, Wholesale Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is +never known to fib. My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present +business and send on the money at once. I'll put up a warehouse as big +as the Capitol at Washington, store it full and ship to your orders as +the Southern market may require. I can send it in planks for skating +floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in shavings for juleps, or in +solution for ice cream and general purposes. It is a big thing! + +I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such charming ice? + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +December 24, 1877._ + +Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and blurring that it +was entirely illegible. It must have come all the way by water. By the +aid of chemicals and photography, however, I have made it out. But you +forgot to inclose the sample of ice. + +I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice, I am sorry to say) +and inclose draft for net amount. Shall begin to spar for orders at +once. I trust everything to you--but, I say, has anybody tried to grow +ice in _this_ vicinity? There is Lake Ponchartrain, you know. + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +February 27, 1878._ + +Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new warehouse for the ice. +Though made of boards, and run up rather hastily, it is as pretty as a +picture, and cost a deal of money, though I pay no ground rent. It is +about as big as the Capitol at Washington. Do you think it ought to have +a steeple? I have it nearly filled--fifty men cutting and storing, day +and night--awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I wrote you +last was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't you worry; there is +plenty. + +Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town, so I am not much +bothered by visitors, which is a relief. Such a giggling, sniggering lot +you never saw! + +It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie, but do you know I +believe this ice of ours gains in coldness as the warm weather comes on! +I do, indeed, and you may mention the fact in the advertisements. + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +March 7, 1878._ + +All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a roaring trade as +"The New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company." But you have not +told me whether the ice is fresh or salt. If it is fresh it won't do for +cooking, and if it is salt it will spoil the mint juleps. + +Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts are? + + +_From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +April 3, 1878._ + +Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are thick as ducks. I'm +afloat, _en route_ for Buffalo, with the assets of the New Orleans and +Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company in my vest pocket. We are busted out, +my poor Pikey--we are to fortune and to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting +of the creditors and don't attend. + +Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed into match-wood on an +enormous mass of floating ice--the first berg ever seen in these waters. +It is described by the survivors as being about as big as the Capital at +Washington. One-half of that iceberg belongs to you, Pikey. + +The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on an unfavorable site, +about a mile out from the shore (on the ice, you understand), and when +the thaw came--O my God, Wannie, it was the saddest thing you ever saw +in all your life! You will be _so_ glad to know I was not in it at the +time. + +What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor partner, you don't seem +to know very much about the ice business. + + + + +PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE + + +The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate instrument, +consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, which, decomposing the +light of any heavenly body to which the instrument is directed, presents +a spectrum, or long bar of color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and +bright lines produced by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby the +celestial orb's light is generated. From these dark and bright lines, +therefore, we ascertain all that is worth knowing about the composition +of the sun and stars. + +Now Ben had made some striking discoveries in spectroscopic analysis at +his private garden observatory, and had also an instrument of superior +power and capacity, invented, or at least much improved, by himself; and +this instrument it was that he and I were arranging for an examination +of the comet then flaming in the heavens. William sat by apparently +uninterested. Finally we had our arrangements for an observation +completed, and Ben said: "Now turn her on." + +"That reminds me," said William, "of a little story about Perry Chumly, +who--" + +"For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a hand on his +arm, "I must beg you not to relate it. The comet will in a few minutes +be behind the roof of yonder lodging house. We really have no time for +the story." + +"No," said Ben, "time presses; and, anyhow, I've heard it before." + +"This Perry Chumly," resumed William, "believed himself a born +astronomer, and always kept a bit of smoked glass. He was particularly +great on solar eclipses. I have known him to sit up all night looking +out for one." + +Ben had now got the spectroscope trained skyward to suit him, and in +order to exclude all irrelevant light had let down the window-blind on +the tube of it. The spectrum of the comet came out beautifully--a long +bar of color crossed with a lovely ruling of thin dark and bright lines, +the sight of which elicited from us an exclamation of satisfaction. + +"One day," continued William from his seat at another window, "some one +told Perry Chumly there would be an eclipse of the sun that afternoon at +three o'clock. Now Perry had recently read a story about some men who in +exploring a deep cañon in the mountains had looked up from the bottom +and seen the stars shining at midday. It occurred to him that this +knowledge might be so utilized as to give him a fine view of the +eclipse, and enable him at the same time to see what the stars would +appear to think about it." + +"_This_," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines in the cometic +spectrum, "_this_ is produced by the vapor of carbon in the nucleus of +the heavenly visitant. You will observe that it differs but slightly +from the lines that come of volatilized iron. Examined with this +magnifying glass"--adjusting that instrument to his eye--"it will +probably show--by Jove!" he ejaculated, after a nearer view, "it isn't +carbon at all. _It is_ MEAT!" + +"Of course," proceeded William, "of course Perry Chumly did not have any +cañon, so what did the fellow do but let himself down with his arms and +legs to the bottom of an old well, about thirty feet deep! And, with the +cold water up to his middle, and the frogs, pollywogs and aquatic +lizards quarreling for the cosy corners of his pockets, there he stood, +waiting for the sun to appear in the field of his 'instrument' and be +eclipsed." + +"Ben, you are joking," I remarked with some asperity; "you are taking +liberties with science, Benjamin. It _can't_ be meat, you know." + +"I tell you it _is_ though," was his excited reply; "it is just _meat_, +I tell you! And this other line, which at first I took for sodium, is +_bone_--bone, sir, or I'm an asteroid! I never saw the like; that comet +must be densely peopled with butchers and horse-knackers!" + +"When Perry Chumly had waited a long time," William went on to say, +"looking up and expecting every minute to see the sun, it began to get +into his mind, somehow, that the bright, circular opening above his +head--the mouth of the well--_was_ the sun, and that the black disk of +the moon was all that was needed to complete the expected phenomenon. +The notion soon took complete obsession of his brain, so that he forgot +where he was and imagined himself standing on the surface of the earth." + +I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum very closely, being +particularly attracted by a thin, faint line, which I thought Ben had +overlooked. + +"Oh, that is nothing," he explained; "that's a mere local fault arising +from conditions peculiar to the medium through which the light is +transmitted--the atmosphere of this neighborhood. It is whisky. This +other line, though, shows the faintest imaginable trace of soap; and +these uncertain, wavering ones are caused by some effluvium not in the +comet itself, but in the region beyond it. I am compelled to pronounce +it tobacco smoke. I will now tilt the instrument so as to get the +spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! there we have it. +Splendid!" + +"Now this old well," said William, "was near a road, along which was +traveling a big and particularly hideous nigger." + +"See here, Thomas," exclaimed Ben, removing the magnifying glass from +his eye and looking me earnestly in the face, "if I were to tell you +that the _coma_ of this eccentric heavenly body is really hair, as its +name implies, would you believe it?" + +"No, Ben, I certainly should not." + +"Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the lines--they speak for +themselves. But now that I look again, you are not entirely wrong: there +is a considerable admixture of jute, moss, and I think tallow. It +certainly is most remarkable! Sir Isaac Newton--" + +"That big nigger," drawled William, "felt thirsty, and seeing the mouth +of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket in it. So he ventured to +creep forward on his hands and knees and look in over the edge." + +Suddenly our spectrum vanished, and a very singular one of a quite +different appearance presented itself in the same place. It was a dim +spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of pale yellow. + +"Ah!" said Ben, "our waif of the upper deep is obscured by a cloud; let +us see what the misty veil is made of." + +He took a look at the spectrum with his magnifying glass, started back, +and muttered: "Brown linen, by thunder!" + +"You can imagine the rapture of Perry Chumly," pursued the indefatigable +William, "when he saw, as he supposed, the moon's black disk encroaching +upon the body of the luminary that had so long riveted his gaze. But +when that obscuring satellite had thrust herself so far forward that the +eclipse became almost annular, and he saw her staring down upon a +darkened world with glittering white eyes and a double row of flashing +teeth, it is perhaps not surprising that he vented a scream of terror, +fainted and collapsed among his frogs! As for the big nigger, almost +equally terrified by this shriek from the abyss, he executed a +precipitate movement which only the breaking of his neck prevented from +being a double back-somersault, and lay dead in the weeds with his +tongue out and his face the color of a cometic spectrum. We laid them in +the same grave, poor fellows, and on many a still summer evening +afterward I strayed to the lonely little church-yard to listen to the +smothered requiem chanted by the frogs that we had neglected to remove +from the pockets of the lamented astronomer. + +"And, now," added William, taking his heels from the window, "as you can +not immediately resume your spectroscopic observations on that +red-haired chamber-maid in the dormer-window, who pulled down the blind +when I made a mouth at her, I move that we adjourn." + + + + +A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION + + +Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The world of Mr. +Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one's world is likely to do +when one sits up till morning with jovial friends, to watch it, and he +was prone to resentment. No sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a +neat, fashionable suit of clothing than he selected his morning +walking-stick and sallied out upon the town with a vague general +determination to attack something. His first victim would naturally have +been his breakfast; but singularly enough, he fell upon this with so +feeble an energy that he was himself beaten--to the grieved astonishment +of the worthy _rôtisseur_, who had to record his hitherto puissant +patron's maiden defeat. Three or four cups of _café noir_ were the only +captives that graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-wheels that morning. + +He lit a long cigar and sauntered moodily down the street, so occupied +with schemes of universal retaliation that his feet had it all their own +way; in consequence of which, their owner soon found himself in the +billiard-room of the Occidental Hotel. Nobody was there, but Mr. Jarvis +was a privileged person; so, going to the marker's desk, he took out a +little box of ivory balls, spilled them carelessly over a table and +languidly assailed them with a long stick. + +Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvelous stroke. Waiting +till the astonished balls had resumed their composure, he gathered them +up, replacing them in their former position. He tried the stroke again, +and, naturally, did not make it. Again he placed the balls, and again he +badly failed. With a vexed and humilated air he once more put the +indocile globes into position, leaned over the table and was upon the +point of striking, when there sounded a solemn voice from behind: + +"Bet you two bits you don't make it!" + +Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked at the speaker, +whom he found to be a stranger--one that most persons would prefer +should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made no reply. In the first place, +he was a man of aristocratic taste, to whom a wager of "two bits" was +simply vulgar. Secondly, the man who had proffered it evidently had not +the money. Still it is annoying to have one's skill questioned by one's +social inferiors, particularly when one has doubts of it oneself, and is +otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr. Jarvis stood his cue against the table, +laid off his fashionable morning-coat, resumed his stick, spread his +fine figure upon the table with his back to the ceiling and took +deliberate aim. + +At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is seen no more +forever. Persons of the class to which he adds lustre are sacred from +the pen of the humorist; they are ridiculous but not amusing. So now we +will dismiss this uninteresting young aristocrat, retaining merely his +outer shell, the fashionable morning-coat, which Mr. Stenner, the +gentleman, who had offered the wager, has quietly thrown across his arm +and is conveying away for his own advantage. + +An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at North Beach, +with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had already taken the +opinion of an eminent pawnbroker on its value, and it only remained to +search the pockets. Mr. Stenner's notions concerning gentlemen's coats +were not so clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were +that these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth of +bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was therefore disappointed +when his careful quest was rewarded with only a delicately perfumed +handkerchief, upon which he could not hope to obtain a loan of more than +ten cents; a pair of gloves too small for use and a bit of paper that +was not a cheque. A second look at this, however, inspired hope. It was +about the size of a flounder, ruled in wide lines, and bore in +conspicuous characters the words, "Western Union Telegraph Company." +Immediately below this interesting legend was much other printed matter, +the purport of which was that the company did not hold itself +responsible for the verbal accuracy of "the following message," and did +not consider itself either morally or legally bound to forward or +deliver it, nor, in short, to render any kind of service for the money +paid by the sender. + +Unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed that a +message subject to these hard conditions must be one of not only grave +importance, but questionable character. So he determined to decipher it +at that time and place. In the course of the day he succeeded in so +doing. It ran as follows, omitting the date and the names of persons and +places, which were, of course, quite illegible: + +"Buy Sally Meeker!" + +Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon Mr. Stenner +all at once it might have carried him away, which would not have been so +bad a thing for San Francisco; but as the meaning had to percolate +slowly through a dense dyke of ignorance, it produced no other immediate +effect than the exclamation, "Well, I'll be bust!" + +In the mouths of some persons this form of expression means a great +deal. On the Stenner tongue it signified the hopeless nature of the +Stenner mental confusion. + +It must be confessed--by persons outside a certain limited and sordid +circle--that the message lacks amplification and elaboration; in its +terse, bald diction there is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human +flesh, for which in California there is no market since the abolition of +slavery and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman suffrage +had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner would at +once have understood the kind of purchase advised; for in political +transactions he had very often changed hands himself. But it was all a +muddle, and resolving to dismiss the matter from his thoughts, he went +to bed thinking of nothing else; for many hours his excited imagination +would do nothing but purchase slightly damaged Sally Meekers by the +bale, and retail them to itself at an enormous profit. + +Next day, it flashed upon his memory who Sally Meeker was--a racing +mare! At this entirely obvious solution of the problem he was overcome +with amazement at his own sagacity. Rushing into the street he +purchased, not Sally Meeker, but a sporting paper--and in it found the +notice of a race which was to come off the following week; and, sure +enough, there it was: + +"Budd Doble enters g.g. Clipper; Bob Scotty enters b.g. Lightnin'; +Staley Tupper enters s.s. Upandust; Sim Salper enters b.m. Sally +Meeker." + +It was clear now; the sender of the dispatch was "in the know." Sally +Meeker was to win, and her owner, who did not know it, had offered her +for sale. At that supreme moment Mr. Stenner would willingly have been a +rich man! In fact he resolved to be. He at once betook him to Vallejo, +where he had lived until invited away by some influential citizens of +the place. There he immediately sought out an industrious friend who had +an amiable weakness for draw poker, and in whom Mr. Stenner regularly +encouraged that passion by going up against him every payday and +despoiling him of his hard earnings. He did so this time, to the sum of +one hundred dollars. + +No sooner had he raked in his last pool and refused his friend's appeal +for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for breakfast than he bought a +check on the Bank of California, enclosed it in a letter containing +merely the words "Bi Saly Meker," and dispatched it by mail to the only +clergyman in San Francisco whose name he knew. Mr. Stenner had a vague +notion that all kinds of business requiring strict honesty and fidelity +might be profitably intrusted to the clergy; otherwise what was the use +of religion? I hope I shall not be accused of disrespect to the cloth in +thus bluntly setting forth Mr. Stenner's estimate of the parsons, +inasmuch as I do not share it. + +This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's revelry; at +the end of which he worked his passage down to San Francisco to secure +his winnings on the race, and take charge of his peerless mare. It will +be observed that his notions concerning races were somewhat confused; +his experience of them had hitherto been confined to that branch of the +business requiring, not technical knowledge but manual dexterity. In +short, he had done no more than pick the pockets of the spectators. +Arrived at San Francisco he was hastening to the dwelling of his +clerical agent, when he met an acquaintance, to whom he put the +triumphant question, "How about Sally Meeker?" + +"Sally Meeker? Sally Meeker?" was the reply. "Oh, you mean the hoss? Why +she's gone up the flume. Broke her neck the first heat. But ole Sim +Salper is never a-goin' to fret hisself to a shadder about it. He struck +it pizen in the mine she was named a'ter and the stock's gone up from +nothin' out o' sight. You couldn't tech that stock with a ten-foot +pole!" + +Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error; the message in the +coat had evidently been sent to a broker, and referred to the stock of +the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, Stenner, was a ruined man! + +Suddenly a great, monstrous, misbegotten and unmentionable oath rolled +from Mr. Stenner's tongue like a cannon shot hurled along an uneven +floor! Might it not be that the Rev. Mr. Boltright had also +misunderstood the message, and had bought, not the mare, but the stock? +The thought was electrical: Mr. Stenner ran--he flew! He tarried not at +walls and the smaller sort of houses, but went through or over them! In +five minutes he stood before the good clergyman--and in one more had +asked, in a hoarse whisper, if he had bought any "Sally Meeker." + +"My good friend," was the bland reply--"my fellow traveler to the bar of +God, it would better comport with your spiritual needs to inquire what +you should do to be saved. But since you ask me, I will confess that +having received what I am compelled to regard as a Providential +intimation, accompanied with the secular means of obedience, I did put +up a small margin and purchase largely of the stock you mention. The +venture, I am constrained to state, was not wholly unprofitable." + +Unprofitable? The good man had made a square twenty-five thousand +dollars on that small margin! To conclude--he has it yet. + + + + +MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP + + +Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be hanged on +Friday, the ninth of November, at five o'clock in the afternoon. This +was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he was then in prison. +Jerome was my friend, and naturally I differed with the jury that had +convicted him as to the degree of guilt implied by the conceded fact +that he had shot an Indian without direct provocation. Ever since his +trial I had been endeavoring to influence the Governor of the State to +grant a pardon; but public sentiment was against me, a fact which I +attributed partly to the innate pigheadness of the people, and partly to +the recent establishment of churches and schools which had corrupted the +primitive notions of a frontier community. But I labored hard and +unremittingly by all manner of direct and indirect means during the +whole period in which Jerome lay under sentence of death; and on the +very morning of the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me, +and saying "he did not purpose being worried by my importunities all +winter," handed me the document which he had so often refused. + +Armed with the precious paper, I flew to the telegraph office to send a +dispatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found the operator locking the +door of the office and putting up the shutters. I pleaded in vain; he +said he was going to see the hanging, and really had no time to send my +message. I must explain that Flatbroke was fifteen miles away; I was +then at Swan Creek, the State capital. + +The operator being inexorable, I ran to the railroad station to see how +soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The station man, with cool +and polite malice, informed me that all the employees of the road had +been given a holiday to see Jerome Bowles hanged, and had already gone +by an early train; that there would be no other train till the next day. + +I was now furious, but the station man quietly turned me out, locking +the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I ordered a horse. Why +prolong the record of my disappointment? Not a horse could I get in that +town; all had been engaged weeks before to take people to the hanging. +So everybody said, at least, though I now know there was a rascally +conspiracy to defeat the ends of mercy, for the story of the pardon had +got abroad. + +It was now ten o'clock. I had only seven hours in which to do my fifteen +miles afoot; but I was an excellent walker and thoroughly angry; there +was no doubt of my ability to make the distance, with an hour to spare. +The railway offered the best chance; it ran straight as a string across +a level, treeless prairie, whereas the highway made a wide detour by way +of another town. + +I took to the track like a Modoc on the war path. Before I had gone a +half-mile I was overtaken by "That Jim Peasley," as he was called in +Swan Creek, an incurable practical joker, loved and shunned by all who +knew him. He asked me as he came up if I were "going to the show." +Thinking it was best to dissemble, I told him I was, but said nothing of +my intention to stop the performance; I thought it would be a lesson to +That Jim to let him walk fifteen miles for nothing, for it was clear +that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on ahead or drop +behind. But he could not very well do the former, and would not do the +latter; so we trudged on together. It was a cloudy day and very sultry +for that time of the year. The railway stretched away before us, between +its double row of telegraph poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a +point at the horizon. On either hand the disheartening monotony of the +prairie was unbroken. + +I thought little of these things, however, for my mental exaltation was +proof against the depressing influence of the scene. I was about to save +the life of my friend--to restore a crack shot to society. Indeed I +scarcely thought of That Jim, whose heels were grinding the hard gravel +close behind me, except when he saw fit occasionally to propound the +sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?" Of course I was, +but I would have died rather than confess it. + +We had gone in this way, about half the distance, probably, in much less +than half the seven hours, and I was getting my second wind, when That +Jim again broke the silence. + +"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?" + +This was quite true! in a season of pecuniary depression I had once put +my legs into my stomach--had turned my athletic accomplishments to +financial advantage. It was not a pleasant topic, and I said nothing. +That Jim persisted. + +"Wouldn't like to do a feller a somersault now, eh?" + +The mocking tongue of this jeer was intolerable; the fellow evidently +considered me "done up," so taking a short run I clapped my hands to my +thighs and executed as pretty a flip-flap as ever was made without a +springboard! At the moment I came erect with my head still spinning, I +felt That Jim crowd past me, giving me a twirl that almost sent me off +the track. A moment later he had dashed ahead at a tremendous pace, +laughing derisively over his shoulder as if he had done a remarkably +clever thing to gain the lead. + +I was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I must +confess the fellow could walk amazingly. In half an hour I had run past +him, and at the end of the hour, such was my slashing gait, he was a +mere black dot in my rear, and appeared to be sitting on one of the +rails, thoroughly used up. + +Relieved of Mr. Peasley, I naturally began thinking of my poor friend in +the Flatbroke jail, and it occurred to me that something might happen to +hasten the execution. I knew the feeling of the country against him, and +that many would be there from a distance who would naturally wish to get +home before nightfall. Nor could I help admitting to myself that five +o'clock was an unreasonably late hour for a hanging. Tortured with these +fears, I unconsciously increased my pace with every step, until it was +almost a run. I stripped off my coat and flung it away, opened my +collar, and unbuttoned my waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming +like a locomotive engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers on the +outskirts of the town, and flourished the pardon crazily above my head, +yelling, "Cut him down!--cut him down!" + +Then, as every one stared in blank amazement and nobody said anything, I +found time to look about me, marveling at the oddly familiar appearance +of the town. As I looked, the houses, streets, and everything seemed to +undergo a sudden and mysterious transposition with reference to the +points of the compass, as if swinging round on a pivot; and like one +awakened from a dream I found myself among accustomed scenes. To be +plain about it, I was back again in Swan Creek, as right as a trivet! + +It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The designing rascal had +provoked me to throw a confusing somersault, then bumped against me, +turning me half round, and started on the back track, thereby inciting +me to hook it in the same direction. The cloudy day, the two lines of +telegraph poles, one on each side of the track, the entire sameness of +the landscape to the right and left--these had all conspired to prevent +my observing that I had put about. + +When the excursion train returned from Flatbroke that evening the +passengers were told a little story at my expense. It was just what they +needed to cheer them up a bit after what they had seen; for that +flip-flap of mine had broken the neck of Jerome Bowles seven miles away! + + + + +THE LITTLE STORY + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_A Supernumerary Editor. A Probationary Contributor_. + +SCENE--"_The Expounder" Office_. + +PROBATIONARY CONTRIBUTOR--Editor in? + +SUPERNUMERARY EDITOR--Dead. + +P.C.--The gods favor me. (_Produces roll of manuscript_.) Here is a +little story, which I will read to you. + +S.E.--O, O! + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "It was the last night of the year--a naughty, noxious, +offensive night. In the principal street of San Francisco"-- + +S.E.--Confound San Francisco! + +P.C.--It had to be somewhere. (_Reads_.) + +"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small female orphan, +marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare feet imprinted cold +kisses on the paving-stones as she put them down and drew them up +alternately. The chilling rain was having a good time with her scalp, +and toyed soppily with her hair--her own hair. The night-wind shrewdly +searched her tattered garments, as if it had suspected her of smuggling. +She saw crowds of determined-looking persons grimly ruining themselves +in toys and confectionery for the dear ones at home, and she wished she +was in a position to ruin a little--just a little. Then, as the happy +throng sped by her with loads of things to make the children sick, she +leaned against an iron lamp-post in front of a bake-shop and turned on +the wicked envy. She thought, poor thing, she would like to be a +cake--for this little girl was very hungry indeed. Then she tried again, +and thought she would like to be a tart with smashed fruit inside; then +she would be warmed over every day and nobody would eat her. For the +child was cold as well as hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and +thought she could be very well content as an oven; for then she would be +kept always hot, and bakers would put all manner of good things into her +with a long shovel." + +S.E.--I've read that somewhere. + +P.C.--Very likely. This little story has never been rejected by any +paper to which I have offered it. It gets better, too, every time I +write it. When it first appeared in _Veracity_ the editor said it cost +him a hundred subscribers. Just mark the improvement! (_Reads_.) + +"The hours glided by--except a few that froze to the pavement--until +midnight. The streets were now deserted, and the almanac having +predicted a new moon about this time, the lamps had been conscientiously +extinguished. Suddenly a great globe of sound fell from an adjacent +church-tower, and exploded on the night with a deep metallic boom. Then +all the clocks and bells began ringing-in the New Year--pounding and +banging and yelling and finishing off all the nervous invalids left over +from the preceding Sunday. The little orphan started from her dream, +leaving a small patch of skin on the frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin +blue hands and looked upward, 'with mad disquietude,'"-- + +S.E.--In _The Monitor_ it was "with covetous eyes." + +P.C.--I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, Byron. (_Reads._) + +"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently from the +clouds." + +S.E.--How about those angels? + +P.C.--The editor of _Good Will_ cut 'em out. He said San Francisco was +no place for them; and I don't believe---- + +S.E.--There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little story. + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "As she stooped to take up the tart a veal sandwich +came whizzing down, and cuffed one of her ears. Next a wheaten loaf made +her dodge nimbly, and then a broad ham fell flat-footed at her toes. A +sack of flour burst in the middle of the street; a side of bacon impaled +itself on an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a chain of sausages fell in +a circle around her, flattening out as if a road-roller had passed over +them. Then there was a lull--nothing came down but dried fish, cold +puddings and flannel under-clothing; but presently her wishes began to +take effect again, and a quarter of beef descended with terrific +momentum upon the top of the little orphan's head." + +S.E.--How did the editor of _The Reasonable Virtues_ like that quarter +of beef? + +P.C.--Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck in a few dressed +pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I don't want outsiders +altering the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so. Bedding, +shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of onions, quantities of +loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic fowls, crates of crockery and +glassware, assorted house-keeping things, cooking ranges, and tons of +coal poured down in broad cataracts from a bounteous heaven, piling +themselves above that infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was +more than two hours in clearing up; and as late as half-past three a +ponderous hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and Kearney +Streets, with an impact that shook the peninsula like an earthquake and +stopped every clock in town. + +"At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with shovels and +wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year was an hour old, they +had provided for all of these provisions--had stowed them away in their +cellars, and nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready for sale to +the deserving poor." + +S.E.--And the little girl--what became of _her_? + +P.C.--You musn't get ahead of the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had not been +content with her lot some one brought a broom, and she was carefully +swept and smoothed out. Then they lifted her tenderly, and carried her +to the coroner. That functionary was standing in the door of his office, +and with a deprecatory wave of his hand, he said to the man who was +bearing her: + +"'There, go away, my good fellow; there was a man here three times +yesterday trying to sell me just such a map.'" + + + + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + + + + +MY FAVORITE MURDER + + +Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I +was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In +charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that it +was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called upon to +explain away. + +At this, my attorney rose and said: + +"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by +comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's +previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense (if +offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender forbearance +and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim. The appalling +ferocity of the former assassination was indeed inconsistent with any +hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the +honorable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a life +insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which my client +held a policy, it is hard to see how he could decently have been +acquitted. If your Honor would like to hear about it for instruction and +guidance of your Honor's mind, this unfortunate man, my client, will +consent to give himself the pain of relating it under oath." + +The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statement +would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is +closed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three years +ago, in the spring of 1881." + +"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in the Court +of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in your favor. +But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled." + +"I except," said the district attorney. + +"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that in order +to take an exception you must first get this case transferred for a time +to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion duly supported by +affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessor in office was +denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the +prisoner." + +The customary oath having been administered, I made the following +statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of the +comparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that he +made no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply +instructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stain +upon my reputation: + +"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputable +parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in my +later years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled near +Nigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyond +the dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his +increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his +disposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad event +for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a genuine +hilarity. + +"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preacher +came along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodging that +we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that, praise +God, we were all converted to religion. My father at once sent for his +brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival turned +over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise nor +plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a sawed-off shotgun, +and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks. The family then +moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house. It was called 'The Saints' +Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each night began with prayer. It +was there that my now sainted mother, by her grace in the dance, +acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.' + +"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road to +Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were four other +passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom I +identified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage. +Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers. I +acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in line with +the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to be deprived of +forty dollars and a gold watch. From my behavior no one could have +suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave the entertainment. A few +days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked for the return of my +money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they knew nothing of the +matter, and they affected a belief that my father and I had done the job +ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial good faith. Uncle William +even threatened to retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at +Ghost Rock. As 'The Saints' Rest' had become rather unpopular, I saw +that this would assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so I +told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the past if he would take +me into the scheme and keep the partnership a secret from my father. +This fair offer he rejected, and I then perceived that it would be +better and more satisfactory if he were dead. + +"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them to my +dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval. My +father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised that although her +religion forbade her to assist in taking human life I should have the +advantage of her prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure +looking to my security in case of detection I made an application for +membership in that powerful order, the Knights of Murder, and in due +course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock commandery. On the day +that my probation ended I was for the first time permitted to inspect +the records of the order and learn who belonged to it--all the rites of +initiation having been conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in +looking over the roll of membership; I found the third name to be that +of my uncle, who indeed was junior vice-chancellor of the order! Here +was an opportunity exceeding my wildest dreams--to murder I could add +insubordination and treachery. It was what my good mother would have +called 'a special Providence.' + +"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy, +already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss. +Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stage +robbery in which I had lost my money and watch. They were brought to +trial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt upon +three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock, +convicted on the clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton and +reasonless as I could wish. + +"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going over to my +uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his wife, if he +were at home, adding that I had come to kill him. My aunt replied with +her peculiar smile that so many gentleman called on that errand and were +afterward carried away without having performed it that I must excuse +her for doubting my good faith in the matter. She said I did not look as +if I would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith I leveled my rifle +and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing the house. She said +she knew whole families that could do a thing of that kind, but Bill +Ridley was a horse of another color. She said, however, that I would +find him over on the other side of the creek in the sheep lot; and she +added that she hoped the best man would win. + +"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I have ever +met. + +"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a sheep. Seeing +that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had not the heart to shoot +him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly and struck him a +powerful blow on the head with the butt of my rifle. I have a very good +delivery and Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled over on his +back, spread out his fingers and shivered. Before he could recover the +use of his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using and cut his +hamstrings. You know, doubtless, that when you sever the _tendo +Achillis_ the patient has no further use of his leg; it is just the same +as if he had no leg. Well, I parted them both, and when he revived he +was at my service. As soon as he comprehended the situation, he said: + +"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be generous. I +have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that you carry me to the +house and finish me in the bosom of my family.' + +"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I would do so +if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he would be easier to +carry that way and if we were seen by the neighbors _en route_ it would +cause less remark. He agreed to that, and going to the barn I got a +sack. This, however, did not fit him; it was too short and much wider +than he; so I bent his legs, forced his knees up against his breast and +got him into it that way, tying the sack above his head. He was a heavy +man and I had all that I could do to get him on my back, but I staggered +along for some distance until I came to a swing that some of the +children had suspended to the branch of an oak. Here I laid him down and +sat upon him to rest, and the sight of the rope gave me a happy +inspiration. In twenty minutes my uncle, still in the sack, swung free +to the sport of the wind. + +"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the mouth of the +bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled him up about five feet +from the ground. Fastening the other end of the rope also about the +mouth of the sack, I had the satisfaction to see my uncle converted into +a large, fine pendulum. I must add that he was not himself entirely +aware of the nature of the change that he had undergone in his relation +to the exterior world, though in justice to a good man's memory I ought +to say that I do not think he would in any case have wasted much of my +time in vain remonstrance. + +"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region as a +fighter. It was in a state of chronic constitutional indignation. Some +deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition and it had +declared war upon the whole world. To say that it would butt anything +accessible is but faintly to express the nature and scope of its +military activity: the universe was its antagonist; its methods that of +a projectile. It fought like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving +the atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and descending +upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence to make the most of +its velocity and weight. Its momentum, calculated in foot-tons, was +something incredible. It had been seen to destroy a four year old bull +by a single impact upon that animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had +ever been known to resist its downward swoop; there were no trees tough +enough to stay it; it would splinter them into matchwood and defile +their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible and implacable +brute--this incarnate thunderbolt--this monster of the upper deep, I had +seen reposing in the shade of an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of +conquest and glory. It was with a view to summoning it forth to the +field of honor that I suspended its master in the manner described. + +"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the avuncular pendulum +a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover behind a contiguous rock, +lifted up my voice in a long rasping cry whose diminishing final note +was drowned in a noise like that of a swearing cat, which emanated from +the sack. Instantly that formidable sheep was upon its feet and had +taken in the military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had +approached, stamping, to within fifty yards of the swinging foeman, who, +now retreating and anon advancing, seemed to invite the fray. Suddenly I +saw the beast's head drop earthward as if depressed by the weight of its +enormous horns; then a dim, white, wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself +from that spot in a generally horizontal direction to within about four +yards of a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck sharply +upward, and before it had faded from my gaze at the place whence it had +set out I heard a horrid thump and a piercing scream, and my poor uncle +shot forward, with a slack rope higher than the limb to which he was +attached. Here the rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and +back he swung in a breathless curve to the other end of his arc. The ram +had fallen, a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and horns, but +pulling itself together and dodging as its antagonist swept downward it +retired at random, alternately shaking its head and stamping its +fore-feet. When it had backed about the same distance as that from which +it had delivered the assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in +prayer for victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before--a +prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a sharp +ascension. Its course this time was at a right angle to its former one, +and its impatience so great that it struck the enemy before he had +nearly reached the lowest point of his arc. In consequence he went +flying round and round in a horizontal circle whose radius was about +equal to half the length of the rope, which I forgot to say was nearly +twenty feet long. His shrieks, _crescendo_ in approach and _diminuendo_ +in recession, made the rapidity of his revolution more obvious to the +ear than to the eye. He had evidently not yet been struck in a vital +spot. His posture in the sack and the distance from the ground at which +he hung compelled the ram to operate upon his lower extremities and the +end of his back. Like a plant that has struck its root into some +poisonous mineral, my poor uncle was dying slowly upward. + +"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again retired. The +fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain was intoxicated with +the wine of strife. Like a pugilist who in his rage forgets his skill +and fights ineffectively at half-arm's length, the angry beast +endeavored to reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he +passed overhead, sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly, +but more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as +the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in scope and +diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the ground, these tactics +produced better results, eliciting a superior quality of screams, which +I greatly enjoyed. + +"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram suspended +hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling and smoothing its +great aquiline nose, and occasionally cropping a bunch of grass and +slowly munching it. It seemed to have tired of war's alarms and resolved +to beat the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. +Steadily it held its course away from the field of fame until it had +gained a distance of nearly a quarter of a mile. There it stopped and +stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently half +asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of its head, as +if its apathy were more affected than real. + +"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his motion, and +nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and at long intervals my +name, uttered in pleading tones exceedingly grateful to my ear. +Evidently the man had not the faintest notion of what was being done to +him, and was inexpressibly terrified. When Death comes cloaked in +mystery he is terrible indeed. Little by little my uncle's oscillations +diminished, and finally he hung motionless. I went to him and was about +to give him the _coup de grâce_, when I heard and felt a succession of +smart shocks which shook the ground like a series of light earthquakes, +and turning in the direction of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust +approaching me with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect! At a +distance of some thirty yards away it stopped short, and from the near +end of it rose into the air what I at first thought a great white bird. +Its ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that I could not realize +its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in admiration of its grace. To +this day the impression remains that it was a slow, deliberate movement, +the ram--for it was that animal--being upborne by some power other than +its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages of its +flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes followed its progress +through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all the greater by contrast +with my former terror of its approach by land. Onward and upward the +noble animal sailed, its head bent down almost between its knees, its +fore-feet thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of +a soaring heron. + +"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection presents it to +view, it attained its zenith and appeared to remain an instant +stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward without altering the relative +position of its parts, it shot downward on a steeper and steeper course +with augmenting velocity, passed immediately above me with a noise like +the rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle almost squarely on +the top of the head! So frightful was the impact that not only the man's +neck was broken, but the rope too; and the body of the deceased, forced +against the earth, was crushed to pulp beneath the awful front of that +meteoric sheep! The concussion stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand +and Dutch Dan's, and Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in +matters seismic, who happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained +that the vibrations were from north to southwest. + +"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of artistic atrocity +my murder of Uncle William has seldom been excelled." + + + + +OIL OF DOG + + +My name is Boffer Bings. I was born of honest parents in one of the +humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of dog-oil and my +mother having a small studio in the shadow of the village church, where +she disposed of unwelcome babes. In my boyhood I was trained to habits +of industry; I not only assisted my father in procuring dogs for his +vats, but was frequently employed by my mother to carry away the debris +of her work in the studio. In performance of this duty I sometimes had +need of all my natural intelligence for all the law officers of the +vicinity were opposed to my mother's business. They were not elected on +an opposition ticket, and the matter had never been made a political +issue; it just happened so. My father's business of making dog-oil was, +naturally, less unpopular, though the owners of missing dogs sometimes +regarded him with suspicion, which was reflected, to some extent, upon +me. My father had, as silent partners, all the physicians of the town, +who seldom wrote a prescription which did not contain what they were +pleased to designate as _Ol. can_. It is really the most valuable +medicine ever discovered. But most persons are unwilling to make +personal sacrifices for the afflicted, and it was evident that many of +the fattest dogs in town had been forbidden to play with me--a fact +which pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near driving +me to become a pirate. + +Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, that by +indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I was the author +of misfortunes profoundly affecting my future. + +One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the body of a +foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable who seemed to be +closely watching my movements. Young as I was, I had learned that a +constable's acts, of whatever apparent character, are prompted by the +most reprehensible motives, and I avoided him by dodging into the oilery +by a side door which happened to stand ajar. I locked it at once and was +alone with my dead. My father had retired for the night. The only light +in the place came from the furnace, which glowed a deep, rich crimson +under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on the walls. Within +the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent ebullition, occasionally +pushing to the surface a piece of dog. Seating myself to wait for the +constable to go away, I held the naked body of the foundling in my lap +and tenderly stroked its short, silken hair. Ah, how beautiful it was! +Even at that early age I was passionately fond of children, and as I +looked upon this cherub I could almost find it in my heart to wish that +the small, red wound upon its breast--the work of my dear mother--had +not been mortal. + +It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river which nature had +thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but that night I did not dare to +leave the oilery for fear of the constable. "After all," I said to +myself, "it cannot greatly matter if I put it into this cauldron. My +father will never know the bones from those of a puppy, and the few +deaths which may result from administering another kind of oil for the +incomparable _ol. can_. are not important in a population which +increases so rapidly." In short, I took the first step in crime and +brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into the cauldron. + +The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing his hands with +satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he had obtained the finest +quality of oil that was ever seen; that the physicians to whom he had +shown samples had so pronounced it. He added that he had no knowledge as +to how the result was obtained; the dogs had been treated in all +respects as usual, and were of an ordinary breed. I deemed it my duty to +explain--which I did, though palsied would have been my tongue if I +could have foreseen the consequences. Bewailing their previous ignorance +of the advantages of combining their industries, my parents at once took +measures to repair the error. My mother removed her studio to a wing of +the factory building and my duties in connection with the business +ceased; I was no longer required to dispose of the bodies of the small +superfluous, and there was no need of alluring dogs to their doom, for +my father discarded them altogether, though they still had an honorable +place in the name of the oil. So suddenly thrown into idleness, I might +naturally have been expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did +not. The holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect +me from the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a deacon in +a church. Alas, that through my fault these estimable persons should +have come to so bad an end! + +Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now devoted herself +to it with a new assiduity. She removed not only superfluous and +unwelcome babes to order, but went out into the highways and byways, +gathering in children of a larger growth, and even such adults as she +could entice to the oilery. My father, too, enamored of the superior +quality of oil produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and zeal. +The conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in short, the one +passion of their lives--an absorbing and overwhelming greed took +possession of their souls and served them in place of a hope in +Heaven--by which, also, they were inspired. + +So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting was held and +resolutions passed severely censuring them. It was intimated by the +chairman that any further raids upon the population would be met in a +spirit of hostility. My poor parents left the meeting broken-hearted, +desperate and, I believe, not altogether sane. Anyhow, I deemed it +prudent not to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside +in a stable. + +At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise and peer +through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew my father now +slept. The fires were burning as brightly as if the following day's +harvest had been expected to be abundant. One of the large cauldrons was +slowly "walloping" with a mysterious appearance of self-restraint, as if +it bided its time to put forth its full energy. My father was not in +bed; he had risen in his nightclothes and was preparing a noose in a +strong cord. From the looks which he cast at the door of my mother's +bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in mind. Speechless and +motionless with terror, I could do nothing in prevention or warning. +Suddenly the door of my mother's apartment was opened, noiselessly, and +the two confronted each other, both apparently surprised. The lady, +also, was in her night clothes, and she held in her right hand the tool +of her trade, a long, narrow-bladed dagger. + +She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit which the +unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had left her. For one +instant they looked into each other's blazing eyes and then sprang +together with indescribable fury. Round and round the room they +struggled, the man cursing, the woman shrieking, both fighting like +demons--she to strike him with the dagger, he to strangle her with his +great bare hands. I know not how long I had the unhappiness to observe +this disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at last, after a +more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants suddenly moved +apart. + +My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences of contact. +For another instant they glared at each other in the most unamiable way; +then my poor, wounded father, feeling the hand of death upon him, leaped +forward, unmindful of resistance, grasped my dear mother in his arms, +dragged her to the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his +failing energies, and sprang in with her! In a moment, both had +disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee of +citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to the public +meeting. + +Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every avenue to an +honorable career in that town, I removed to the famous city of Otumwee, +where these memoirs are written with a heart full of remorse for a +heedless act entailing so dismal a commercial disaster. + + + + +AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION + + +Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father--an act which made a +deep impression on me at the time. This was before my marriage, while I +was living with my parents in Wisconsin. My father and I were in the +library of our home, dividing the proceeds of a burglary which we had +committed that night. These consisted of household goods mostly, and the +task of equitable division was difficult. We got on very well with the +napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware was parted pretty +nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that when you try to divide +a single music-box by two without a remainder you will have trouble. It +was that music-box which brought disaster and disgrace upon our family. +If we had left it my poor father might now be alive. + +It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of workmanship--inlaid with +costly woods and carven very curiously. It would not only play a great +variety of tunes, but would whistle like a quail, bark like a dog, crow +every morning at daylight whether it was wound up or not, and break the +Ten Commandments. It was this last mentioned accomplishment that won my +father's heart and caused him to commit the only dishonorable act of his +life, though possibly he would have committed more if he had been +spared: he tried to conceal that music-box from me, and declared upon +his honor that he had not taken it, though I knew very well that, so far +as he was concerned, the burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the +purpose of obtaining it. + +My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had worn cloaks +by way of disguise. He had solemnly assured me that he did not take it. +I knew that he did, and knew something of which he was evidently +ignorant; namely, that the box would crow at daylight and betray him if +I could prolong the division of profits till that time. All occurred as +I wished: as the gaslight began to pale in the library and the shape of +the windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long cock-a-doodle-doo +came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak, followed by a few bars of +an aria from _Tannhauser_, ending with a loud click. A small hand-axe, +which we had used to break into the unlucky house, lay between us on the +table; I picked it up. The old man seeing that further concealment was +useless took the box from under his cloak and set it on the table. "Cut +it in two if you prefer that plan," said he; "I tried to save it from +destruction." + +He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play the concertina +with expression and feeling. + +I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it would be +presumptuous in me to sit in judgment on my father. But business is +business, and with this axe I am going to effect a dissolution of our +partnership unless you will consent in all future burglaries to wear a +bell-punch." + +"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do that; it would +look like a confession of dishonesty. People would say that you +distrusted me." + +I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for a moment I +was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, but a glance at the +richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, as I said, I removed the old +man from this vale of tears. Having done so, I was a trifle uneasy. Not +only was he my father--the author of my being--but the body would be +certainly discovered. It was now broad daylight and my mother was likely +to enter the library at any moment. Under the circumstances, I thought +it expedient to remove her also, which I did. Then I paid off all the +servants and discharged them. + +That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what I had done +and asked his advice. It would be very painful to me if the facts became +publicly known. My conduct would be generally condemned; the newspapers +would bring it up against me if ever I should run for office. The chief +saw the force of these considerations; he was himself an assassin of +wide experience. After consulting with the presiding judge of the Court +of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to conceal the bodies in one of +the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on the house and burn it down. This +I proceeded to do. + +In the library was a book-case which my father had recently purchased of +some cranky inventor and had not filled. It was in shape and size +something like the old-fashioned "wardrobes" which one sees in bed-rooms +without closets, but opened all the way down, like a woman's +night-dress. It had glass doors. I had recently laid out my parents and +they were now rigid enough to stand erect; so I stood them in this +book-case, from which I had removed the shelves. I locked them in and +tacked some curtains over the glass doors. The inspector from the +insurance office passed a half-dozen times before the case without +suspicion. + +That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house and started +through the woods to town, two miles away, where I managed to be found +about the time the excitement was at its height. With cries of +apprehension for the fate of my parents, I joined the rush and arrived +at the fire some two hours after I had kindled it. The whole town was +there as I dashed up. The house was entirely consumed, but in one end of +the level bed of glowing embers, bolt upright and uninjured, was that +book-case! The curtains had burned away, exposing the glass-doors, +through which the fierce, red light illuminated the interior. There +stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and at his side the +partner of his joys and sorrows. Not a hair of them was singed, their +clothing was intact. On their heads and throats the injuries which in +the accomplishment of my designs I had been compelled to inflict were +conspicuous. As in the presence of a miracle, the people were silent; +awe and terror had stilled every tongue. I was myself greatly affected. + + +Some three years later, when the events herein related had nearly faded +from my memory, I went to New York to assist in passing some counterfeit +United States bonds. Carelessly looking into a furniture store one day, +I saw the exact counterpart of that bookcase. "I bought it for a trifle +from a reformed inventor," the dealer explained. "He said it was +fireproof, the pores of the wood being filled with alum under hydraulic +pressure and the glass made of asbestos. I don't suppose it is really +fireproof--you can have it at the price of an ordinary book-case." + +"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't take it"--and +I bade him good morning. + +I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories that were +exceedingly disagreeable. + + + + +THE HYPNOTIST + + +By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes amuse myself +with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred phenomena, I am frequently +asked if I have a clear conception of the nature of whatever principle +underlies them. To this question I always reply that I neither have nor +desire to have. I am no investigator with an ear at the key-hole of +Nature's workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity to steal the secrets of +her trade. The interests of science are as little to me as mine seem to +have been to science. + +Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and in no way +transcend our powers of comprehension if only we could find the clew; +but for my part I prefer not to find it, for I am of a singularly +romantic disposition, deriving more gratification from mystery than from +knowledge. It was commonly remarked of me when I was a child that my big +blue eyes appeared to have been made rather to look into than look out +of--such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent periods of +abstraction, their indifference to what was going on. In those +peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, the soul which lies +behind them, always more intent upon some lovely conception which it has +created in its own image than concerned about the laws of nature and the +material frame of things. All this, irrelevant and egotistic as it may +seem, is related by way of accounting for the meagreness of the light +that I am able to throw upon a subject that has engaged so much of my +attention, and concerning which there is so keen and general a +curiosity. With my powers and opportunities, another person might +doubtless have an explanation for much of what I present simply as +narrative. + +My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to me in my +fourteenth year, when at school. Happening one day to have forgotten to +bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly at that of a small girl +who was preparing to eat hers. Looking up, her eyes met mine and she +seemed unable to withdraw them. After a moment of hesitancy she came +forward in an absent kind of way and without a word surrendered her +little basket with its tempting contents and walked away. Inexpressibly +pleased, I relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket. After that I had +not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that little girl was my +daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying my simple need from +her frugal store I combined pleasure and profit by constraining her +attendance at the feast and making misleading proffer of the viands, +which eventually I consumed to the last fragment. The girl was always +persuaded that she had eaten all herself; and later in the day her +tearful complaints of hunger surprised the teacher, entertained the +pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and filled me with a +peace past understanding. + +A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory condition of +things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of the luncheon, for +example, had to be made at some distance from the madding crowd, in a +wood; and I blush to think of the many other unworthy subterfuges +entailed by the situation. As I was (and am) naturally of a frank and +open disposition, these became more and more irksome, and but for the +reluctance of my parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new +_régime_ I would gladly have reverted to the old. The plan that I +finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of my own powers +excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and that part of it which +consisted in the death of the girl was severely condemned, but it is +hardly pertinent to the scope of this narrative. + +For some years afterward I had little opportunity to practice hypnotism; +such small essays as I made at it were commonly barren of other +recognition than solitary confinement on a bread-and-water diet; +sometimes, indeed, they elicited nothing better than the +cat-o'-nine-tails. It was when I was about to leave the scene of these +small disappointments that my one really important feat was performed. + +I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit of +civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great deal of advice, +which I am bound to confess was of a much better quality than the +clothing. As I was passing out of the gate into the light of freedom I +suddenly turned and looking the warden gravely in the eye, soon had him +in control. + +"You are an ostrich," I said. + +At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to contain a great +quantity of indigestible articles mostly of wood or metal. Stuck fast in +the oesophagus and constituting, according to the Coroner's jury, the +immediate cause of death, one door-knob. + +I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took my way into +the great world from which I had been so long secluded I could not help +remembering that all my misfortunes had flowed like a stream from the +niggard economy of my parents in the matter of school luncheons; and I +knew of no reason to think they had reformed. + +On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a little open +field which once contained a shanty known as Pete Gilstrap's Place, +where that gentleman used to murder travelers for a living. The death of +Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of nearly all the travel to another road +occurred so nearly at the same time that no one has ever been able to +say which was cause and which effect. Anyhow, the field was now a +desolation and the Place had long been burned. It was while going afoot +to South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found both my +parents on their way to the Hill. They had hitched their team and were +eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the field. The sight +of the luncheon called up painful memories of my school days and roused +the sleeping lion in my breast. Approaching the guilty couple, who at +once recognized me, I ventured to suggest that I share their +hospitality. + +"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with +characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is +sufficient for but two. I am not, I hope, insensible to the hunger-light +in your eyes, but--" + +My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook for +hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist. In a few +seconds he was at my service. A few more sufficed for the lady, and the +dictates of a just resentment could be carried into effect. "My former +father," I said, "I presume that it is known to you that you and this +lady are no longer what you were?" + +"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather dubious reply +of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable to age." + +"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to character--to species. +You and the lady here are, in truth, two _broncos_--wild stallions both, +and unfriendly." + +"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to say that I +am--" + +"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon hers, "you are." + + +Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped upon her +hands and knees, and backing up to the old man squealed like a demon and +delivered a vicious kick upon his shin! An instant later he was himself +down on all-fours, headed away from her and flinging his feet at her +simultaneously and successively. With equal earnestness but inferior +agility, because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her own. Their +flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering way; their feet +sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies thrust forward, +falling flat upon the ground and for a moment helpless. On recovering +themselves they would resume the combat, uttering their frenzy in the +nameless sounds of the furious brutes which they believed themselves to +be--the whole region rang with their clamor! Round and round they +wheeled, the blows of their feet falling "like lightnings from the +mountain cloud." They plunged and reared backward upon their knees, +struck savagely at each other with awkward descending blows of both +fists at once, and dropped again upon their hands as if unable to +maintain the upright position of the body. Grass and pebbles were torn +from the soil by hands and feet; clothing, hair, faces inexpressibly +defiled with dust and blood. Wild, inarticulate screams of rage attested +the delivery of the blows; groans, grunts and gasps their receipt. +Nothing more truly military was ever seen at Gettysburg or Waterloo: the +valor of my dear parents in the hour of danger can never cease to be to +me a source of pride and gratification. At the end of it all two +battered, tattered, bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality +attested the solemn fact that the author of the strife was an orphan. + +Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and have ever since +been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and Continuances whence, +after fifteen years of proceedings, my attorney is moving heaven and +earth to get the case taken to the Court of Remandment for New Trials. + +Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious force or +agency known as hypnotic suggestion. Whether or not it could be employed +by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am unable to say. + + + + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + + + + +MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST + + +While I was in Kansas I purchased a weekly newspaper--the _Claybank +Thundergust of Reform_. This paper had never paid its expenses; it had +ruined four consecutive publishers; but my brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson +Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to run for the Legislature, and I +naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to have an organ in +Claybank to assist in his political extinction. When the establishment +came into my hands, the editor was a fellow who had "opinions," and him +I at once discharged with an admonition. I had some difficulty in +procuring a successor; every man in the county applied for the place. I +could not appoint one without having to fight a majority of the others, +and was eventually compelled to write to a friend at Warm Springs, in +the adjoining State of Missouri, to send me an editor from abroad whose +instalment at the helm of manifest destiny could have no local +significance. + +The man he sent me was a frowsy, seedy fellow, named Masthead--not +larger, apparently, than a boy of sixteen years, though it was difficult +to say from the outside how much of him was editor and how much cast-off +clothing; for in the matter of apparel he had acted upon his favorite +professional maxim, and "sunk the individual;" his attire--eminently +eclectic, and in a sense international--quite overcame him at all +points. However, as my friend had assured me he was "a graduate of one +of the largest institutions in his native State," I took him in and +bought a pen for him. My instructions to him were brief and simple. + +"Mr. Masthead," said I, "it is the policy of the _Thundergust_ first, +last, and all the time, in this world and the next, to resent the +intrusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril into politics." + +The first thing the little rascal did was to write a withering leader +denouncing Mr. Scandril as a "demagogue, the degradation of whose +political opinions was only equaled by the disgustfulness of the family +connections of which those opinions were the spawn!" + +I hastened to point out to Mr. Masthead that it had never been the +policy of the _Thundergust_ to attack the family relations of an +offensive candidate, although this was not strictly true. + +"I am very sorry," he replied, running his head up out of his clothes +till it towered as much as six inches above the table at which he sat; +"no offense, I hope." + +"Oh, none in the world," said I, as carelessly as I could manage it; +"only I don't think it a legitimate--that is, an effective, method of +attack." + +"Mr. Johnson," said he--I was passing as Johnson at that time, I +remember--"Mr. Johnson, I think it _is_ an effective method. Personally +I might perhaps prefer another line of argument in this particular case, +and personally perhaps you might; but in our profession personal +considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we must sink +the individual. In opposing the election of your relative, sir, you have +set the seal of your heavy displeasure upon the sin of nepotism, and for +this I respect you; nepotism must be got under! But in the display of +Roman virtues, sir, we must go the whole hog. When in the interest of +public morality"--Mr. Masthead was now gesticulating earnestly with the +sleeves of his coat--"Virginius stabbed his daughter, was he influenced +by personal considerations? When Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf, +did he not sink the individual?" + +I admitted that he did, but feeling in a contentious mood, prolonged the +discussion by leisurely loading and capping a revolver; but, prescient +of my argument, Mr. Masthead avoided refutation by hastily adjourning +the debate. I sent him a note that evening, filling-in a few of the +details of the policy that I had before sketched in outline. Amongst +other things I submitted that it would be better for us to exalt Mr. +Scandril's opponent than to degrade himself. To this Mr. Masthead +reluctantly assented--"sinking the individual," he reproachfully +explained, "in the dependent employee--the powerless bondsman!" The next +issue of the _Thundergust_ contained, under the heading, "Invigorating +Zephyrs," the following editorial article: + +"Last week we declared our unalterable opposition to the candidacy of +Mr. Jefferson Scandril, and gave reasons for the faith that is in us. +For the first time in its history this paper made a clear, thoughtful, +and adequate avowal and exposition of eternal principle! Abandoning for +the present the stand we then took, let us trace the antecedents of Mr. +Scandril's opponent up to their source. It has been urged against Mr. +Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the lunatic asylum at +Warm Springs, in the adjoining commonwealth of Missouri. This cuckoo +cry--raised though it is by dogs of political darkness--we shall not +stoop to controvert, for it is accidentally true; but next week we shall +show, as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand, that this great +statesman's detractors would probably not derive any benefits from a +residence in the same institution, their mental aberration being +rottenly incurable!" + +I thought this rather strong and not quite to the point; but Masthead +said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very little known in +Claybank, had "served a term" in the Warm Springs asylum, and the issue +must be boldly met--that evasion and denial were but forms of +prostration beneath the iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he seemed +to inflate and expand so as almost to fill his clothes, and the fire of +his eye somehow burned into me an impression--since effaced--that a just +cause is not imperiled by a trifling concession to fact. So, leaving the +matter quite in my editor's hands I went away to keep some important +engagements, the paragraph having involved me in several duels with the +friends of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather hard that I should have to +defend my new editor's policy against the supporters of my own +candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the right and they knew +nothing whatever about the matter in dispute, not one of them having +ever before so much as heard of the now famous Warm Springs asylum. But +I would not shirk even the humblest journalistic duty; I fought these +fellows and acquitted myself as became a man of letters and a +politician. The hurts I got were some time healing, and in the interval +every prominent member of my party who came to Claybank to speak to the +people regarded it as a simple duty to call first at my house, make a +tender inquiry as to the progress of my recovery and leave a challenge. +My physician forbade me to read a line of anything; the consequence was +that Masthead had it all his own way with the paper. In looking over the +old files now, I find that he devoted his entire talent and all the +space of the paper, including what had been the advertising columns, to +confessing that our candidate had been an inmate of a lunatic asylum, +and contemptuously asking the opposing party what they were going to do +about it. + +All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the challenges became +intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. Masthead to whip round to the +other side and support my brother-in-law. Masthead "sank the +individual," and duly announced, with his accustomed frankness, our +change of policy. Then Mr. Broskin came down to Claybank--to thank me! +He was a fine, respectable-looking gentleman, and impressed me very +favorably. But Masthead was in when he called, and the effect upon _him_ +was different. He shrank into a mere heap of old clothes, turned white, +and chattered his teeth. Noting this extraordinary behavior, I at once +sought an explanation. + +"Mr. Broskin," said I, with a meaning glance at the trembling editor, +"from certain indications I am led to fear that owing to some mistake we +may have been doing you an injustice. May I ask you if you were really +ever in the Lunatic asylum at Warm Springs, Missouri?" + +"For three years," he replied, quietly, "I was the physician in charge +of that institution. Your son"--turning to Masthead, who was flying all +sorts of colors--"was, if I mistake not, one of my patients. I learn +that a few weeks ago a friend of yours, named Norton, secured the young +man's release upon your promise to take care of him yourself in future. +I hope that home associations have improved the poor fellow. It's very +sad!" + +It was indeed. Norton was the name of the man to whom I had written for +an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever an obliging fellow. + + + + +WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 9 A.M. + +A man has called to ask "who wrote that article about Mr. Muskler." I +told him to find out, and he says that is what he means to do. He has +consented to amuse himself with the exchanges while I ask you. I don't +approve the article. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 10 A.M. + +Do you happen to remember how Dacier translates _Difficile est proprie +communia dicere_? I've made a note of it somewhere, but can't find it. +If you remember please leave a memorandum of it on your table, and I'll +get it when I come down this afternoon. + +P.S.--Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered about that fellow +Muskler. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 11:30 A.M. + +I can't be impolite to a stranger, you know; I must tell him _somebody_ +wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is drumming on the floor +with the end of his stick; I fear the people in the shop below won't +like it. Besides, the foreman says it disturbs the compositors in the +next room. Suppose you come down. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 1 P.M. + +I have found the note I made of that translation, but it is in French +and I can't make it out. Try the man with the dictionary and the "Books +of Dates." They ought to last him till it's time to close the office. I +shall be down early to-morrow morning. + +P.S.--How big is he? Suggest a civil suit for libel. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 3 P.M. + +He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've offered him the +dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is sitting on my table. +Come at once! + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 5 P.M. + +I don't think I shall. I am doing an article for this week on "The +Present Aspect of the Political Horizon." Expect me _very_ early +to-morrow. You had better turn the man out and shut up the office. + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 8 A.M. + +Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend, the large gentleman who +was with him all day yesterday, is here again. He seems very desirous of +seeing you, and says he will wait. Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought +I would tell you he was here, so that you might hasten down. + +Ought I to allow dogs in the office? The gentleman has a bull-dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 9.30 A.M. + +Certainly _not;_ dogs have fleas. The man is an impostor. Oblige me by +turning him out. I shall come down this afternoon--_early_. + +P.S.--Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with him! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 12 M. + +The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you mind coming down and +reasoning with him? I have a wife and five children depending on me, and +when I lose my temper I am likely to go too far. I would prefer that +_you_ should turn him out. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 2 P.M. + +Do you suppose I can leave my private correspondence to preserve you +from the intrusion and importunities of beggars? Put the scoundrel out +at once--neck and heels! I know him; he's Muskler--don't you remember? +Muskler, the coward, who assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole +circumstances related in last Saturday's issue. Out with him--the +unmanly sneak! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday Evening. + +I have told him to go, and he laughed. So did the bull-dog. But he is +going. He is now making a bed for the pup in one corner of your room, +with some rugs and old newspapers, and appears to be about to go to +dinner. I have given him your address. The foreman wants some copy to go +on with. I beg you will come at once if I am to be left alone with that +dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 10 A.M. + +I should have come down to the office last evening, but you see I have +been moving. My landlady was too filthy dirty for anything! I stood it +as long as I could; then I left. I'm coming directly I get your answer +to this; but I want to know, first, if my blotter has been changed and +my ink-well refilled. This house is a good way out, but the boy can take +the car at the corner of Cobble and Slush streets. + +O!--about that _man_? Of course you have not seen him since. + + +_William Quoin, Foreman, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Wednesday, 12 M. + +I've got your note to Inxling; he ain't come down this morning. I +haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys are all throwing in dead +ads. There's a man and a dog in the proprietor's office; I don't believe +they ought to be there, all alone, but they were here all Monday and +yesterday, and may be connected with the business management of the +paper; so I don't like to order them out. Perhaps you will come down and +speak to them. We shall have to go away if you don't send copy. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to William Quoin, Foreman._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 3 P.M. + +Your note astonishes me. The man you describe is a notorious thief. Get +the compositors all together, and make a rush at him. Don't try to keep +him, but hustle him out of town, and I'll be down as soon as I can get a +button sewn on my collar. + +P.S.--Give it him good!--don't mention my address and he can't complain +to me how you treat him. Bust his bugle! + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Friday, 2 P.M. + +Business has detained me from the office until now, and what do I find? +Not a soul about the place, no copy, not a stickful of live matter on +the galleys! There can be no paper this week. What you have all done +with yourselves I am sure I don't know; one would suppose there had been +smallpox about the place. You will please come down and explain this +Hegira at once--at once, if you please! + +P.S.--That troublesome Muskler--you may remember he dropped in on Monday +to inquire about something or other--has taken a sort of shop exactly +opposite here, and seems, at this distance, to be doing something to a +shotgun. I presume he is a gunsmith. So we are precious well rid of +_him_. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +PIER NO. 3, Friday Evening. + +Just a line or two to say I am suddenly called away to bury my sick +mother. When that is off my mind I'll write you what I know about the +Hegira, the Flight into Egypt, the Retreat of the Ten Thousand, and +whatever else you would like to learn. There is nothing mean about _me!_ +I don't think there has been any wilful desertion. You may engage an +editor for, say, fifty years, with the privilege of keeping him +regularly, if, at the end of that time, I should break my neck hastening +back. + +P.S.--I hope that poor fellow Muskier will make a fair profit in the +gunsmithing line. Jump him for an ad! + + + + +CORRUPTING THE PRESS + + +When Joel Bird was up for Governor of Missouri, Sam Henly was editing +the Berrywood _Bugle_; and no sooner was the nomination made by the +State Convention than he came out hot against the party. He was an able +writer, was Sam, and the lies he invented about our candidate were +shocking! That, however, we endured very well, but presently Sam turned +squarely about and began telling the truth. _This_ was a little too +much; the County Committee held a hasty meeting, and decided that it +must be stopped; so I, Henry Barber, was sent for to make arrangements +to that end. I knew something of Sam: had purchased him several times, +and I estimated his present value at about one thousand dollars. This +seemed to the committee a reasonable figure, and on my mentioning it to +Sam he said "he thought that about the fair thing; it should never be +said that the _Bugle_ was a hard paper to deal with." There was, +however, some delay in raising the money; the candidates for the local +offices had not disposed of their autumn hogs yet, and were in financial +straits. Some of them contributed a pig each, one gave twenty bushels of +corn, another a flock of chickens; and the man who aspired to the +distinction of County Judge paid his assessment with a wagon. These +things had to be converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the +meantime Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our +political camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his hand; he +invariably replied that it was no bargain until he had the money. The +committeemen were furious; it required all my eloquence to prevent their +declaring the contract null and void; but at last a new, clean one +thousand-dollar note was passed over to me, which in hot haste I +transferred to Sam at his residence. + +That evening there was a meeting of the committee: all seemed in high +spirits again, except Hooker of Jayhawk. This old wretch sat back and +shook his head during the entire session, and just before adjournment +said, as he took his hat to go, that p'r'aps'twas orl right and on the +squar'; maybe thar war'n't any shenannigan, but _he_ war dubersome--yes, +he war dubersome. The old curmudgeon repeated this until I was +exasperated beyond restraint. + +"Mr. Hooker," said I, "I've known Sam Henly ever since he was _so_ high, +and there isn't an honester man in old Missouri. Sam Henly's word is as +good as his note! What's more, if any gentleman thinks he would enjoy a +first-class funeral, and if he will supply the sable accessories, I'll +supply the corpse. And he can take it home with him from this meeting." + +At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving. + +Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next day. When I +stepped into the street I saw at once that something was "up." There +were knots of people gathered at the corners, some reading eagerly that +morning's issue of the _Bugle_, some gesticulating, and others stalking +moodily about muttering curses, not loud but deep. Suddenly I heard an +excited clamor--a confused roar of many lungs, and the trampling of +innumerable feet. In this babel of noises I could distinguish the words +"Kill him!" "Wa'm his hide!" and so forth; and, looking up the street, I +saw what seemed to be the whole male population racing down it. I am +very excitable, and, though I did not know whose hide was to be warmed, +nor why anyone was to be killed, I shot off in front of the howling +masses, shouting "Kill him!" and "Warm his hide!" as loudly as the +loudest, all the time looking out for the victim. Down the street we +flew like a storm; then I turned a corner, thinking the scoundrel must +have gone up _that_ street; then bolted through a public square; over a +bridge; under an arch; finally back into the main street; yelling like a +panther, and resolved to slaughter the first human being I should +overtake. The crowd followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as +I shrieked, and--all at once it came to me that _I_ was the man whose +hide was to be warmed! + +It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery gave me; +happily I was within a few yards of the committee-rooms, and into these +I dashed, closing and bolting the doors behind me, and mounting the +stairs like a flash. The committee was in solemn session, sitting in a +nice, even row on the front benches, each man with his elbows on his +knees, and his chin resting in the palms of his hands--thinking. At each +man's feet lay a neglected copy of the _Bugle_. Every member fixed his +eyes on me, but no one stirred, none uttered a sound. There was +something awful in this preternatural silence, made more impressive by +the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside, breaking down the door. I could +endure it no longer, but strode forward and snatched up the paper lying +at the feet of the chairman. At the head of the editorial columns, in +letters half an inch long, were the following amazing head-lines: + +"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The Vampires +Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game! The Rat Gnaws a File! The +Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod Over a Free People! Base +Endeavor to Bribe the Editor of this Paper with _a Twenty-Dollar Note_! +The Money Given to the Orphan Asylum." + +I read no farther, but stood stockstill in the center of the floor, and +fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it seemed a mere trifle. +Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did not know there was so much money +in the world. Twenty--no, eighty--one thousand dollars! There were big, +black figures floating all over the floor. Incessant cataracts of them +poured down the walls, stopped, and shied off as I looked at them, and +began to go it again when I lowered my eyes. Occasionally the figures 20 +would take shape somewhere about the floor, and then the figures 980 +would slide up and overlay them. Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's +dream, they would all march away and devour the fat naughts of the +number 1,000. And dancing like gnats in the air were myriads of little +caduceus-like, phantoms, thus--$$$$$. I could not at all make it out, +but began to comprehend my position directly Old Hooker, without moving +from his seat, began to drown the noise of countless feet on the stairs +by elevating his thin falsetto: + +"P'r'aps, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mr. Henly can't +tell a lie; but I'm powerful dubersome that thar's a balyance dyue this +yer committee from the gent who hez the flo'--if he ain't done gone laid +it yout fo' sable ac--ac--fo' fyirst-class funerals." + +I felt at that moment as if I should like to play the leading character +in a first-class funeral myself. I felt that every man in my position +ought to have a nice, comfortable coffin, with a silver door-plate, a +foot-warmer, and bay-windows for his ears. How do you suppose you would +have felt? + +My leap from the window of that committee room, my speed in streaking it +for the adjacent forest, my self-denial in ever afterward resisting the +impulse to return to Berrywood and look after my political and material +interests there--these I have always considered things to be justly +proud of, and I hope I am proud of them. + + + + +"THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" + +HOW ANOTHER MAN'S WAS SOUGHT AND PRICKED + + +It was a stormy night in the autumn of 1930. The hour was about eleven. +San Francisco lay in darkness, for the laborers at the gas works had +struck and destroyed the company's property because a newspaper to which +a cousin of the manager was a subscriber had censured the course of a +potato merchant related by marriage to a member of the Knights of +Leisure. Electric lights had not at that period been reinvented. The sky +was filled with great masses of black cloud which, driven rapidly across +the star-fields by winds unfelt on the earth and momentarily altering +their fantastic forms, seemed instinct with a life and activity of their +own and endowed with awful powers of evil, to the exercise of which they +might at any time set their malignant will. + +An observer standing, at this time, at the corner of Paradise avenue and +Great White Throne walk in Sorrel Hill cemetery would have seen a human +figure moving among the graves toward the Superintendent's residence. +Dimly and fitfully visible in the intervals of thinner gloom, this +figure had a most uncanny and disquieting aspect. A long black cloak +shrouded it from neck to heel. Upon its head was a slouch hat, pulled +down across the forehead and almost concealing the face, which was +further hidden by a half-mask, only the beard being occasionally visible +as the head was lifted partly above the collar of the cloak. The man +wore upon his feet jack-boots whose wide, funnel-shaped legs had settled +down in many a fold and crease about his ankles, as could be seen +whenever accident parted the bottom of the cloak. His arms were +concealed, but sometimes he stretched out the right to steady himself by +a headstone as he crept stealthily but blindly over the uneven ground. +At such times a close scrutiny of the hand would have disclosed in the +palm the hilt of a poniard, the blade of which lay along the wrist, +hidden in the sleeve. In short, the man's garb, his movements, the +hour--everything proclaimed him a reporter. + +But what did he there? + +On the morning of that day the editor of the _Daily Malefactor_ had +touched the button of a bell numbered 216 and in response to the summons +Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, reporter, had been shot into the room out of an +inclined tube. + +"I understand," said the editor, "that you are 216--am I right?" + +"That," said the reporter, catching his breath and adjusting his +clothing, both somewhat disordered by the celerity of his flight through +the tube,--"that is my number." + +"Information has reached us," continued the editor, "that the +Superintendent of the Sorrel Hill cemetery--one Inhumio, whose very name +suggests inhumanity--is guilty of the grossest outrages in the +administration of the great trust confided to his hands by the sovereign +people." + +"The cemetery is private property," faintly suggested 216. + +"It is alleged," continued the great man, disdaining to notice the +interruption, "that in violation of popular rights he refuses to permit +his accounts to be inspected by representatives of the press." + +"Under the law, you know, he is responsible to the directors of the +cemetery company," the reporter ventured to interject. + +"They say," pursued the editor, heedless, "that the inmates are in many +cases badly lodged and insufficiently clad, and that in consequence they +are usually cold. It is asserted that they are never fed--except to the +worms. Statements have been made to the effect that males and females +are permitted to occupy the same quarters, to the incalculable detriment +of public morality. Many clandestine villainies are alleged of this +fiend in human shape, and it is desirable that his underground methods +be unearthed in the _Malefactor_. If he resists we will drag his family +skeleton from the privacy of his domestic closet. There is money in it +for the paper, fame for you--are you ambitious, 216?" + +"I am--bitious." + +"Go, then," cried the editor, rising and waving his hand +imperiously--"go and 'seek the bubble reputation'." + +"The bubble shall be sought," the young man replied, and leaping into a +man-hole in the floor, disappeared. A moment later the editor, who after +dismissing his subordinate, had stood motionless, as if lost in thought, +sprang suddenly to the man-hole and shouted down it: "Hello, 216?" + +"Aye, aye, sir," came up a faint and far reply. + +"About that 'bubble reputation'--you understand, I suppose, that the +reputation which you are to seek is that of the other man." + +In the execution of his duty, in the hope of his employer's approval, in +the costume of his profession, Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, otherwise known +as 216, has already occupied a place in the mind's eye of the +intelligent reader. Alas for poor Mr. Inhumio! + +A few days after these events that fearless, independent and +enterprising guardian and guide of the public, the San Francisco _Daily +Malefactor_, contained a whole-page article whose headlines are here +presented with some necessary typographical mitigation: + +"Hell Upon Earth! Corruption Rampant in the Management of the Sorrel +Hill Cemetery. The Sacred City of the Dead in the Leprous Clutches of a +Demon in Human Form. Fiendish Atrocities Committed in 'God's Acre.' The +Holy Dead Thrown around Loose. Fragments of Mothers. Segregation of a +Beautiful Young Lady Who in Life Was the Light of a Happy Household. A +Superintendent Who Is an Ex-Convict. How He Murdered His Neighbor to +Start the Cemetery. He Buries His Own Dead Elsewhere. Extraordinary +Insolence to a Representative of the Public Press. Little Eliza's Last +Words: 'Mamma, Feed Me to the Pigs.' A Moonshiner Who Runs an Illicit +Bone-Button Factory in One Corner of the Grounds. Buried Head Downward. +Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies. Dancing on the Dead. Devilish +Mutilation--a Pile of Late Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears. No +Separation of the Sexes; Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded. 'Veal' as +Supplied to the Superintendent's Employees. A Miscreant's Record from +His Birth. Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong +Indications of Collusion. Nameless Abnormalities. 'Doubled Up Like a +Nut-Cracker.' 'Wasn't Planted White.' Horribly Significant Reduction in +the Price of Lard. The Question of the Hour: Whom Do You Fry Your +Doughnuts In?" + + + + +THE OCEAN WAVE + + + + +A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION + + +As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and not a bit +nice, and she hoped I never, never _would_ come back. So I shipped as +mate on the _Mudlark_, bound from London to wherever the captain might +think it expedient to sail. It had not been thought advisable to hamper +Captain Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, +it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way to make +the voyage unprofitable. The owners of the _Mudlark_ had grown wise in +their generation, and now let him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying +such cargoes as he fancied to ports where the nicest women were. On the +voyage of which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would +only make the _Mudlark_ heavy and slow. To hear this mariner talk one +would have supposed he did not know very much about commerce. + +We had a few passengers--not nearly so many as we had laid in basins and +stewards for; for before coming off to the ship most of those who had +bought tickets would inquire whither she was bound, and when not +informed would go back to their hotels and send a bandit on board to +remove their baggage. But there were enough left to be rather +troublesome. They cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when +drunk, and the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the +forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship's compass. +They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let the big anchor go, +just to hear it plunge in the water, threatening in case of refusal to +write to the newspapers. A favorite amusement with them was to sit in +the lee of the bulwarks, relating their experiences in former +voyages--voyages distinguished in every instance by two remarkable +features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes and the entire +immunity of the narrator from seasickness. It was very interesting to +see them sitting in a row telling these things, each man with a basin +between his legs. + +One day there arose a great storm. The sea walked over the ship as if it +had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy it all it could. The +_Mudlark_ labored very much--far more, indeed, than the crew did; for +these innocents had discovered in possession of one of their number a +pair of leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play +cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had owned them +a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed over to the winner that +there was little but the seat remaining, and that immortal part the +captain finally kicked overboard--not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly +spirit, but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of trousers. + +The storm increased in violence until it succeeded in so straining the +_Mudlark_ that she took in water like a teetotaler; then it appeared to +get relief directly. This may be said in justice to a storm at sea: when +it has broken off your masts, pulled out your rudder, carried away your +boats and made a nice hole in some inaccessible part of your hull it +will often go away in search of a fresh ship, leaving you to take such +measures for your comfort as you may think fit. In our case the captain +thought fit to sit on the taffrail reading a three-volume novel. + +Seeing he had got about half way through the second volume, at which +point the lovers would naturally be involved in the most hopeless and +heart-rending difficulties, I thought he would be in a particularly +cheerful humor, so I approached him and informed him the ship was going +down. + +"Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his forefinger between +the pages to mark his place, "she never would be good for much after +such a shaking-up as this. But, I say--I wish you would just send the +bo'sn for'd there to break up that prayer-meeting. The _Mudlark_ isn't a +seamen's chapel, I suppose." + +"But," I replied, impatiently, "can't something be done to lighten the +ship?" + +"Well," he drawled, reflectively, "seeing she hasn't any masts left to +cut away, nor any cargo to--stay, you might throw over some of the +heaviest of the passengers if you think it would do any good." + +It was a happy thought--the intuition of genius. Walking rapidly forward +to the foc'sle, which, being highest out of water, was crowded with +passengers, I seized a stout old gentleman by the nape of the neck, +pushed him up to the rail, and chucked him over. He did not touch the +water: he fell on the apex of a cone of sharks which sprang up from the +sea to meet him, their noses gathered to a point, their tails just +clearing the surface. I think it unlikely that the old gentleman knew +what disposition had been made of him. Next, I hurled over a woman and +flung a fat baby to the wild winds. The former was sharked out of sight, +the same as the old man; the latter divided amongst the gulls. + +I am relating these things exactly as they occurred. It would be very +easy to make a fine story out of all this material--to tell how that, +while I was engaged in lightening the ship, I was touched by the +self-sacrificing spirit of a beautiful young woman, who, to save the +life of her lover, pushed her aged mother forward to where I was +operating, imploring me to take the old lady, but spare, O, spare her +dear Henry. I might go on to set forth how that I not only did take the +old lady, as requested, but immediately seized dear Henry, and sent him +flying as far as I could to leeward, having first broken his back across +the rail and pulled a double-fistful of his curly hair out. I might +proceed to state that, feeling appeased, I then stole the long boat and +taking the beautiful maiden pulled away from the ill-fated ship to the +church of St. Massaker, Fiji, where we were united by a knot which I +afterward untied with my teeth by eating her. But, in truth, nothing of +all this occurred, and I can not afford to be the first writer to tell a +lie just to interest the reader. What really did occur is this: as I +stood on the quarter-deck, heaving over the passengers, one after +another, Captain Abersouth, having finished his novel, walked aft and +quietly hove _me_ over. + +The sensations of a drowning man have been so often related that I shall +only briefly explain that memory at once displayed her treasures: all +the scenes of my eventful life crowded, though without confusion or +fighting, into my mind. I saw my whole career spread out before me, like +a map of Central Africa since the discovery of the gorilla. There were +the cradle in which I had lain, as a child, stupefied with soothing +syrups; the perambulator, seated in which and propelled from behind, I +overthrew the schoolmaster, and in which my infantile spine received its +curvature; the nursery-maid, surrendering her lips alternately to me and +the gardener; the old home of my youth, with the ivy and the mortgage on +it; my eldest brother, who by will succeeded to the family debts; my +sister, who ran away with the Count von Pretzel, coachman to a most +respectable New York family; my mother, standing in the attitude of a +saint, pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent +palpitators from Madame Fahertini's; my venerable father, sitting in his +chimney corner, his silvered head bowed upon his breast, his withered +hands crossed patiently in his lap, waiting with Christian resignation +for death, and drunk as a lord--all this, and much more, came before my +mind's eye, and there was no charge for admission to the show. Then +there was a ringing sound in my ears, my senses swam better than I +could, and as I sank down, down, through fathomless depths, the amber +light falling through the water above my head failed and darkened into +blackness. Suddenly my feet struck something firm--it was the bottom. +Thank heaven, I was saved! + + + + +THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" + + +This ship was named the _Camel_. In some ways she was an extraordinary +vessel. She measured six hundred tons; but when she had taken in enough +ballast to keep her from upsetting like a shot duck, and was provisioned +for a three months' voyage, it was necessary to be mighty fastidious in +the choice of freight and passengers. For illustration, as she was about +to leave port a boat came alongside with two passengers, a man and his +wife. They had booked the day before, but had remained ashore to get one +more decent meal before committing themselves to the "briny cheap," as +the man called the ship's fare. The woman came aboard, and the man was +preparing to follow, when the captain leaned over the side and saw him. + +"Well," said the captain, "what do _you_ want?" + +"What do _I_ want?" said the man, laying hold of the ladder. "I'm +a-going to embark in this here ship--that's what I want." + +"Not with all that fat on you," roared the captain. "You don't weigh an +ounce less than eighteen stone, and I've got to have in my anchor yet. +You wouldn't have me leave the anchor, I suppose?" + +The man said he did not care about the anchor--he was just as God had +made him (he looked as if his cook had had something to do with it) and, +sink or swim, he purposed embarking in that ship. A good deal of +wrangling ensued, but one of the sailors finally threw the man a cork +life-preserver, and the captain said that would lighten him and he might +come abroad. + +This was Captain Abersouth, formerly of the _Mudlark_--as good a seaman +as ever sat on the taffrail reading a three volume novel. Nothing could +equal this man's passion for literature. For every voyage he laid in so +many bales of novels that there was no stowage for the cargo. There were +novels in the hold, and novels between-decks, and novels in the saloon, +and in the passengers' beds. + +The _Camel_ had been designed and built by her owner, an architect in +the City, and she looked about as much like a ship as Noah's Ark did. +She had bay windows and a veranda; a cornice and doors at the +water-line. These doors had knockers and servant's bells. There had been +a futile attempt at an area. The passenger saloon was on the upper deck, +and had a tile roof. To this humplike structure the ship owed her name. +Her designer had erected several churches--that of St. Ignotus is still +used as a brewery in Hotbath Meadows--and, possessed of the ecclesiastic +idea, had given the _Camel_ a transept; but, finding this impeded her +passage through the water, he had it removed. This weakened the vessel +amidships. The mainmast was something like a steeple. It had a +weathercock. From this spire the eye commanded one of the finest views +in England. + +Such was the _Camel_ when I joined her in 1864 for a voyage of discovery +to the South Pole. The expedition was under the "auspices" of the Royal +Society for the Promotion of Fair Play. At a meeting of this excellent +association, it had been "resolved" that the partiality of science for +the North Pole was an invidious distinction between two objects equally +meritorious; that Nature had marked her disapproval of it in the case of +Sir John Franklin and many of his imitators; that it served them very +well right; that this enterprise should be undertaken as a protest +against the spirit of undue bias; and, finally, that no part of the +responsibility or expense should devolve upon the society in its +corporate character, but any individual member might contribute to the +fund if he were fool enough. It is only common justice to say that none +of them was. The _Camel_ merely parted her cable one day while I +happened to be on board--drifted out of the harbor southward, followed +by the execrations of all who knew her, and could not get back. In two +months she had crossed the equator, and the heat began to grow +insupportable. + +Suddenly we were becalmed. There had been a fine breeze up to three +o'clock in the afternoon and the ship had made as much as two knots an +hour when without a word of warning the sails began to belly the wrong +way, owing to the impetus that the ship had acquired; and then, as this +expired, they hung as limp and lifeless as the skirts of a clawhammer +coat. The _Camel_ not only stood stock still but moved a little backward +toward England. Old Ben the boatswain said that he'd never knowed but +one deader calm, and that, he explained, was when Preacher Jack, the +reformed sailor, had got excited in a sermon in a seaman's chapel and +shouted that the Archangel Michael would chuck the Dragon into the brig +and give him a taste of the rope's-end, damn his eyes! + +We lay in this woful state for the better part of a year, when, growing +impatient, the crew deputed me to look up the captain and see if +something could not be done about it. I found him in a remote cobwebby +corner between-decks, with a book in his hand. On one side of him, the +cords newly cut, were three bales of "Ouida"; on the other a mountain of +Miss M.E. Braddon towered above his head. He had finished "Ouida" and +was tackling Miss Braddon. He was greatly changed. + +"Captain Abersouth," said I, rising on tiptoe so as to overlook the +lower slopes of Mrs. Braddon, "will you be good enough to tell me how +long this thing is going on?" + +"Can't say, I'm sure," he replied without pulling his eyes off the page. +"They'll probably make up about the middle of the book. In the meantime +old Pondronummus will foul his top-hamper and take out his papers for +Looney Haven, and young Monshure de Boojower will come in for a million. +Then if the proud and fair Angelica doesn't luff and come into his wake +after pizening that sea lawyer, Thundermuzzle, I don't know nothing +about the deeps and shallers of the human heart." + +I could not take so hopeful a view of the situation, and went on deck, +feeling very much discouraged. I had no sooner got my head out than I +observed that the ship was moving at a high rate of speed! + +We had on board a bullock and a Dutchman. The bullock was chained by the +neck to the foremast, but the Dutchman was allowed a good deal of +liberty, being shut up at night only. There was bad blood between the +two--a feud of long standing, having its origin in the Dutchman's +appetite for milk and the bullock's sense of personal dignity; the +particular cause of offense it would be tedious to relate. Taking +advantage of his enemy's afternoon _siesta_, the Dutchman had now +managed to sneak by him, and had gone out on the bowsprit to fish. When +the animal waked and saw the other creature enjoying himself he +straddled his chain, leveled his horns, got his hind feet against the +mast and laid a course for the offender. The chain was strong, the mast +firm, and the ship, as Byron says, "walked the water like a thing of +course." + +After that we kept the Dutchman right where he was, night and day, the +old _Camel_ making better speed than she had ever done in the most +favorable gale. We held due south. + +We had now been a long time without sufficient food, particularly meat. +We could spare neither the bullock nor the Dutchman; and the ship's +carpenter, that traditional first aid to the famished, was a mere bag of +bones. The fish would neither bite nor be bitten. Most of the +running-tackle of the ship had been used for macaroni soup; all the +leather work, our shoes included, had been devoured in omelettes; with +oakum and tar we had made fairly supportable salad. After a brief +experimental career as tripe the sails had departed this life forever. +Only two courses remained from which to choose; we could eat one +another, as is the etiquette of the sea, or partake of Captain +Abersouth's novels. Dreadful alternative!--but a choice. And it is +seldom, I think, that starving sailormen are offered a shipload of the +best popular authors ready-roasted by the critics. + +We ate that fiction. The works that the captain had thrown aside lasted +six months, for most of them were by the best-selling authors and were +pretty tough. After they were gone--of course some had to be given to +the bullock and the Dutchman--we stood by the captain, taking the other +books from his hands as he finished them. Sometimes, when we were +apparently at our last gasp, he would skip a whole page of moralizing, +or a bit of description; and always, as soon as he clearly foresaw the +_dénoûement_--which he generally did at about the middle of the second +volume--the work was handed over to us without a word of repining. + +The effect of this diet was not unpleasant but remarkable. Physically, +it sustained us; mentally, it exalted us; morally, it made us but a +trifle worse than we were. We talked as no human beings ever talked +before. Our wit was polished but without point. As in a stage broadsword +combat, every cut has its parry, so in our conversation every remark +suggested the reply, and this necessitated a certain rejoinder. The +sequence once interrupted, the whole was bosh; when the thread was +broken the beads were seen to be waxen and hollow. + +We made love to one another, and plotted darkly in the deepest obscurity +of the hold. Each set of conspirators had its proper listener at the +hatch. These, leaning too far over would bump their heads together and +fight. Occasionally there was confusion amongst them: two or more would +assert a right to overhear the same plot. I remember at one time the +cook, the carpenter, the second assistant-surgeon, and an able seaman +contended with handspikes for the honor of betraying my confidence. Once +there were three masked murderers of the second watch bending at the +same instant over the sleeping form of a cabin-boy, who had been heard +to mutter, a week previously, that he had "Gold! gold!" the accumulation +of eighty--yes, eighty--years' piracy on the high seas, while sitting as +M.P. for the borough of Zaccheus-cum-Down, and attending church +regularly. I saw the captain of the foretop surrounded by suitors for +his hand, while he was himself fingering the edge of a packing-case, and +singing an amorous ditty to a lady-love shaving at a mirror. + +Our diction consisted, in about equal parts, of classical allusion, +quotation from the stable, simper from the scullery, cant from the +clubs, and the technical slang of heraldry. We boasted much of ancestry, +and admired the whiteness of our hands whenever the skin was visible +through a fault in the grease and tar. Next to love, the vegetable +kingdom, murder, arson, adultery and ritual, we talked most of art. The +wooden figure-head of the _Camel_, representing a Guinea nigger +detecting a bad smell, and the monochrome picture of two back-broken +dolphins on the stern, acquired a new importance. The Dutchman had +destroyed the nose of the one by kicking his toes against it, and the +other was nearly obliterated by the slops of the cook; but each had its +daily pilgrimage, and each constantly developed occult beauties of +design and subtle excellences of execution. On the whole we were greatly +altered; and if the supply of contemporary fiction had been equal to the +demand, the _Camel_, I fear, would not have been strong enough to +contain the moral and æsthetic forces fired by the maceration of the +brains of authors in the gastric juices of sailors. + +Having now got the ship's literature off his mind into ours, the captain +went on deck for the first time since leaving port. We were still +steering the same course, and, taking his first observation of the sun, +the captain discovered that we were in latitude 83° south. The heat was +insufferable; the air was like the breath of a furnace within a furnace. +The sea steamed like a boiling cauldron, and in the vapor our bodies +were temptingly parboiled--our ultimate meal was preparing. Warped by +the sun, the ship held both ends high out of the water; the deck of the +forecastle was an inclined plane, on which the bullock labored at a +disadvantage; but the bowsprit was now vertical and the Dutchman's +tenure precarious. A thermometer hung against the mainmast, and we +grouped ourselves about it as the captain went up to examine the +register. + +"One hundred and ninety degrees Fahrenheit!" he muttered in evident +astonishment. "Impossible!" Turning sharply about, he ran his eyes over +us, and inquired in a peremptory tone, "who's been in command while I +was runnin' my eye over that book?" + +"Well, captain," I replied, as respectfully as I knew how, "the fourth +day out I had the unhappiness to be drawn into a dispute about a game of +cards with your first and second officers. In the absence of those +excellent seamen, sir, I thought it my duty to assume control of the +ship." + +"Killed 'em, hey?" + +"Sir, they committed suicide by questioning the efficacy of four kings +and an ace." + +"Well, you lubber, what have you to say in defense of this extraordinary +weather?" + +"Sir, it is no fault of mine. We are far--very far south, and it is now +the middle of July. The weather is uncomfortable, I admit; but +considering the latitude and season, it is not, I protest, +unseasonable." + +"Latitude and season!" he shrieked, livid with rage--"latitude and +season! Why, you junk-rigged, flat-bottomed, meadow lugger, don't you +know any better than that? Didn't yer little baby brother ever tell ye +that southern latitudes is colder than northern, and that July is the +middle o' winter here? Go below, you son of a scullion, or I'll break +your bones!" + +"Oh! very well," I replied; "I'm not going to stay on deck and listen to +such low language as that, I warn you. Have it your own way." + +The words had no sooner left my lips, than a piercing cold wind caused +me to cast my eye upon the thermometer. In the new régime of science the +mercury was descending rapidly; but in a moment the instrument was +obscured by a blinding fall of snow. Towering icebergs rose from the +water on every side, hanging their jagged masses hundreds of feet above +the masthead, and shutting us completely in. The ship twisted and +writhed; her decks bulged upward, and every timber groaned and cracked +like the report of a pistol. The _Camel_ was frozen fast. The jerk of +her sudden stopping snapped the bullock's chain, and sent both that +animal and the Dutchman over the bows, to accomplish their warfare on +the ice. + +Elbowing my way forward to go below, as I had threatened, I saw the crew +tumble to the deck on either hand like ten-pins. They were frozen stiff. +Passing the captain, I asked him sneeringly how he liked the weather +under the new régime. He replied with a vacant stare. The chill had +penetrated to the brain, and affected his mind. He murmured: + +"In this delightful spot, happy in the world's esteem, and surrounded by +all that makes existence dear, they passed the remainder of their lives. +The End." + +His jaw dropped. The captain of the _Camel_ was dead. + + + + +THE MAN OVERBOARD + + +I + +The good ship _Nupple-duck_ was drifting rapidly upon a sunken coral +reef, which seemed to extend a reasonless number of leagues to the right +and left without a break, and I was reading Macaulay's "Naseby Fight" to +the man at the wheel. Everything was, in fact, going on as nicely as +heart could wish, when Captain Abersouth, standing on the +companion-stair, poked his head above deck and asked where we were. +Pausing in my reading, I informed him that we had got as far as the +disastrous repulse of Prince Rupert's cavalry, adding that if he would +have the goodness to hold his jaw we should be making it awkward for the +wounded in about three minutes, and he might bear a hand at the pockets +of the slain. Just then the ship struck heavily, and went down! + +Calling another ship, I stepped aboard, and gave directions to be taken +to No. 900 Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt; then, walking aft +to the man at the wheel, asked him if he would like to hear me read +"Naseby Fight." He thought he would: he would like to hear that, and +then I might pass on to something else--Kinglake's "Crimean War," the +proceedings at the trial of Warren Hastings, or some such trifle, just +to wile away the time till eight bells. + +All this time heavy clouds had been gathering along the horizon directly +in front of the ship, and a deputation of passengers now came to the man +at the wheel to demand that she be put about, or she would run into +them, which the spokesman explained would be unusual. I thought at the +time that it certainly was not the regular thing to do, but, as I was +myself only a passenger, did not deem it expedient to take a part in the +heated discussion that ensued; and, after all, it did not seem likely +that the weather in those clouds would be much worse than that in +Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt. + +It was finally decided to refer the matter to arbitration, and after +many names had been submitted and rejected by both sides, it was agreed +that the captain of the ship should act as arbitrator if his consent +could be obtained, and I was delegated to conduct the negotiations to +that end. With considerable difficulty, I persuaded him to accept the +responsibility. + +He was a feeble-minded sort of fellow named Troutbeck, who was always in +a funk lest he should make enemies; never reflecting that most men would +a little rather be his enemies than not. He had once been the ship's +cook, but had cooked so poisonously ill that he had been forcibly +transferred from galley to quarter-deck by the dyspeptic survivors of +his culinary career. + +The little captain went aft with me to listen to arguments of the +dissatisfied passengers and the obstinate steersman, as to whether we +should take our chances in the clouds, or tail off and run for the +opposite horizon; but on approaching the wheel, we found both helmsman +and passengers in a condition of profound astonishment, rolling their +eyes about towards every point of the compass, and shaking their heads +in hopeless perplexity. It was rather remarkable, certainly: the bank of +cloud which had worried the landsmen was now directly astern, and the +ship was cutting along lively in her own wake, toward the point from +which she had come, and straight away from Tottenham Court Road! +Everybody declared it was a miracle; the chaplain was piped up for +prayers, and the man at the wheel was as truly penitent as if he had +been detected robbing an empty poor-box. + +The explanation was simple enough, and dawned upon me the moment I saw +how matters stood. During the dispute between the helmsman and the +deputation, the former had renounced his wheel to gesticulate, and I, +thinking no harm, had amused myself, during a rather tedious debate, by +revolving the thing this way and that, and had unconsciously put the +ship about. By a coincidence not unusual in low latitudes, the wind had +effected a corresponding transposition at the same time, and was now +bowling us as merrily back toward the place where I had embarked, as it +had previously wafted us in the direction of Tottenham Court Road, where +I had an aunt. I must here so far anticipate, as to explain that some +years later these various incidents--particularly the reading of "Naseby +Fight"--led to the adoption, in our mercantile marine, of a rule which I +believe is still extant, to the effect that one must not speak to the +man at the wheel unless the man at the wheel speaks first. + + +II + +It is only by inadvertence that I have omitted the information that the +vessel in which I was now a pervading influence was the _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck, master), of Malvern Heights. + +The _Bonnyclabber's_ reactionary course had now brought her to the spot +at which I had taken passage. Passengers and crew, fatigued by their +somewhat awkward attempts to manifest their gratitude for our miraculous +deliverance from the cloud-bank, were snoring peacefully in unconsidered +attitudes about the deck, when the lookout man, perched on the supreme +extremity of the mainmast, consuming a cold sausage, began an apparently +preconcerted series of extraordinary and unimaginable noises. He +coughed, sneezed, and barked simultaneously--bleated in one breath, and +cackled in the next--sputteringly shrieked, and chatteringly squealed, +with a bass of suffocated roars. There were desolutory vocal explosions, +tapering off in long wails, half smothered in unintelligible small-talk. +He whistled, wheezed, and trumpeted; began to sharp, thought better of +it and flatted; neighed like a horse, and then thundered like a drum! +Through it all he continued making incomprehensible signals with one +hand while clutching his throat with the other. Presently he gave it up, +and silently descended to the deck. + +By this time we were all attention; and no sooner had he set foot +amongst us, than he was assailed with a tempest of questions which, had +they been visible, would have resembled a flight of pigeons. He made no +reply--not even by a look, but passed through our enclosing mass with a +grim, defiant step, a face deathly white, and a set of the jaw as of one +repressing an ambitious dinner, or ignoring a venomous toothache. For +the poor man was choking! + +Passing down the companion-way, the patient sought the surgeon's cabin, +with the ship's company at his heels. The surgeon was fast asleep, the +lark-like performance at the masthead having been inaudible in that +lower region. While some of us were holding a whisky-bottle to the +medical nose, in order to apprise the medical intelligence of the demand +upon it, the patient seated himself in statuesque silence. By this time +his pallor, which was but the mark of a determined mind, had given place +to a fervent crimson, which visibly deepened into a pronounced purple, +and was ultimately superseded by a clouded blue, shot through with +opalescent gleams, and smitten with variable streaks of black. The face +was swollen and shapeless, the neck puffy. The eyes protruded like pegs +of a hat-stand. + +Pretty soon the doctor was got awake, and after making a careful +examination of his patient, remarking that it was a lovely case of +_stopupagus oesophagi_, took a tool and set to work, producing with no +difficulty a cold sausage of the size, figure, and general bearing of a +somewhat self-important banana. The operation had been performed amid +breathless silence, but the moment it was concluded the patient, whose +neck and head had visibly collapsed, sprang to his feet and shouted: + +"Man overboard!" + +That is what he had been trying to say. + +There was a confused rush to the upper deck, and everybody flung +something over the ship's side--a life-belt, a chicken-coop, a coil of +rope, a spar, an old sail, a pocket handkerchief, an iron crowbar--any +movable article which it was thought might be useful to a drowning man +who had followed the vessel during the hour that had elapsed since the +initial alarm at the mast-head. In a few moments the ship was pretty +nearly dismantled of everything that could be easily renounced, and some +excitable passenger having cut away the boats there was nothing more +that we could do, though the chaplain explained that if the ill-fated +gentleman in the wet did not turn up after a while it was his intention +to stand at the stern and read the burial service of the Church of +England. + +Presently it occurred to some ingenious person to inquire who had gone +overboard, and all hands being mustered and the roll called, to our +great chagrin every man answered to his name, passengers and all! +Captain Troutbeck, however, held that in a matter of so great importance +a simple roll-call was insufficient, and with an assertion of authority +that was encouraging insisted that every person on board be separately +sworn. The result was the same; nobody was missing and the captain, +begging pardon for having doubted our veracity, retired to his cabin to +avoid further responsibility, but expressed a hope that for the purpose +of having everything properly recorded in the log-book we would apprise +him of any further action that we might think it advisable to take. I +smiled as I remembered that in the interest of the unknown gentleman +whose peril we had overestimated I had flung the log-book over the +ship's side. + +Soon afterward I felt suddenly inspired with one of those great ideas +that come to most men only once or twice in a lifetime, and to the +ordinary story teller never. Hastily reconvening the ship's company I +mounted the capstan and thus addressed them: + +"Shipmates, there has been a mistake. In the fervor of an ill-considered +compassion we have made pretty free with certain movable property of an +eminent firm of shipowners of Malvern Heights. For this we shall +undoubtedly be called to account if we are ever so fortunate as to drop +anchor in Tottenham Court Road, where I have an aunt. It would add +strength to our defence if we could show to the satisfaction of a jury +of our peers that in heeding the sacred promptings of humanity we had +acted with some small degree of common sense. If, for example, we could +make it appear that there really was a man overboard, who might have +been comforted and sustained by the material consolation that we so +lavishly dispensed in the form of buoyant articles belonging to others, +the British heart would find in that fact a mitigating circumstance +pleading eloquently in our favor. Gentlemen and ship's officers, I +venture to propose that we do now throw a man overboard." + +The effect was electrical: the motion was carried by acclamation and +there was a unanimous rush for the now wretched mariner whose false +alarm at the masthead was the cause of our embarrassment, but on second +thoughts it was decided to substitute Captain Troutbeck, as less +generally useful and more undeviatingly in error. The sailor had made +one mistake of considerable magnitude, but the captain's entire +existence was a mistake altogether. He was fetched up from his cabin and +chucked over. + +At 900 Tottenham Road Court lived an aunt of mine--a good old lady who +had brought me up by hand and taught me many wholesome lessons in +morality, which in my later life have proved of extreme value. Foremost +among these I may mention her solemn and oft-repeated injunction never +to tell a lie without a definite and specific reason for doing so. Many +years' experience in the violation of this principle enables me to speak +with authority as to its general soundness. I have, therefore, much +pleasure in making a slight correction in the preceding chapter of this +tolerably true history. It was there affirmed that I threw the +_Bonnyclabber's_ log-book into the sea. The statement is entirely false, +and I can discover no reason for having made it that will for a moment +weigh against those I now have for the preservation of that log-book. + +The progress of the story has developed new necessities, and I now find +it convenient to quote from that book passages which it could not have +contained if cast into the sea at the time stated; for if thrown upon +the resources of my imagination I might find the temptation to +exaggerate too strong to be resisted. + +It is needless to worry the reader with those entries in the book +referring to events already related. Our record will begin on the day of +the captain's consignment to the deep, after which era I made the +entries myself. + +"June 22nd.--Not much doing in the way of gales, but heavy swells left +over from some previous blow. Latitude and longitude not notably +different from last observation. Ship laboring a trifle, owing to lack +of top-hamper, everything of that kind having been cut away in +consequence of Captain Troutbeck having accidently fallen overboard +while fishing from the bowsprit. Also threw over cargo and everything +that we could spare. Miss our sails rather, but if they save our dear +captain, we shall be content. Weather flagrant. + +"23d.--Nothing from Captain Troutbeck. Dead calm--also dead whale. The +passengers having become preposterous in various ways, Mr. Martin, the +chief officer, had three of the ringleaders tied up and rope's-ended. He +thought it advisable also to flog an equal number of the crew, by way of +being impartial. Weather ludicrous. + +"24th.--Captain still prefers to stop away, and does not telegraph. The +'captain of the foretop'--there isn't any foretop now--was put in irons +to-day by Mr. Martin for eating cold sausage while on look-out. Mr. +Martin has flogged the steward, who had neglected to holy-stone the +binnacle and paint the dead-lights. The steward is a good fellow all the +same. Weather iniquitous. + +"25th.--Can't think whatever has become of Captain Troutbeck. He must be +getting hungry by this time; for although he has his fishing-tackle with +him, he has no bait. Mr. Martin inspected the entries in this book +to-day. He is a most excellent and humane officer. Weather inexcusable. + +"26th.--All hope of hearing from the Captain has been abandoned. We have +sacrificed everything to save him; but now, if we could procure the loan +of a mast and some sails, we should proceed on our voyage. Mr. Martin +has knocked the coxswain overboard for sneezing. He is an experienced +seaman, a capable officer, and a Christian gentleman--damn his eyes! +Weather tormenting. + +"27th.--Another inspection of this book by Mr. Martin. Farewell, vain +world! Break it gently to my aunt in Tottenham Court Road." + +In the concluding sentences of this record, as it now lies before me, +the handwriting is not very legible: they were penned under +circumstances singularly unfavorable. Mr. Martin stood behind me with +his eyes fixed on the page; and in order to secure a better view, had +twisted the machinery of the engine he called his hand into the hair of +my head, depressing that globe to such an extent that my nose was +flattened against the surface of the table, and I had no small +difficulty in discerning the lines through my eyebrows. I was not +accustomed to writing in that position: it had not been taught in the +only school that I ever attended. I therefore felt justified in bringing +the record to a somewhat abrupt close, and immediately went on deck with +Mr. Martin, he preceding me up the companion-stairs on foot, I +following, not on horseback, but on my own, the connection between us +being maintained without important alteration. + +Arriving on deck, I thought it advisable, in the interest of peace and +quietness, to pursue him in the same manner to the side of the ship, +where I parted from him forever with many expressions of regret, which +might have been heard at a considerable distance. + +Of the subsequent fate of the _Bonnyclabber_, I can only say that the +log-book from which I have quoted was found some years later in the +stomach of a whale, along with some shreds of clothing, a few buttons +and several decayed life-belts. It contained only one new entry, in a +straggling handwriting, as if it had been penned in the dark: + +"july2th foundered svivors rescude by wale wether stuffy no nues from +capting trowtbeck Sammle martin cheef Ofcer." + +Let us now take a retrospective glance at the situation. The ship +_Nupple-duck_, (Abersouth, master) had, it will be remembered, gone down +with all on board except me. I had escaped on the ship _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck) which I had quitted owing to a misunderstanding with the +chief officer, and was now unattached. That is how matters stood when, +rising on an unusually high wave, and casting my eye in the direction of +Tottenham Court Road--that is, backward along the course pursued by the +_Bonnyclabber_ and toward the spot at which the _Nupple-duck_ had been +swallowed up--I saw a quantity of what appeared to be wreckage. It +turned out to be some of the stuff that we had thrown overboard under a +misapprehension. The several articles had been compiled and, so to +speak, carefully edited. They were, in fact, lashed together, forming a +raft. On a stool in the center of it--not, apparently navigating it, but +rather with the subdued and dignified bearing of a passenger, sat +Captain Abersouth, of the _Nupple-duck_, reading a novel. + +Our meeting was not cordial. He remembered me as a man of literary taste +superior to his own and harbored resentment, and although he made no +opposition to my taking passage with him I could see that his +acquiescence was due rather to his muscular inferiority than to the +circumstance that I was damp and taking cold. Merely acknowledging his +presence with a nod as I climbed abroad, I seated myself and inquired if +he would care to hear the concluding stanzas of "Naseby Fight." + +"No," he replied, looking up from his novel, "no, Claude Reginald Gump, +writer of sea stories, I've done with you. When you sank the +_Nupple-duck_ some days ago you probably thought that you had made an +end of me. That was clever of you, but I came to the surface and +followed the other ship--the one on which you escaped. It was I that the +sailor saw from the masthead. I saw him see me. It was for me that all +that stuff was hove overboard. Good--I made it into this raft. It was, I +think, the next day that I passed the floating body of a man whom I +recognized as, my old friend Billy Troutbeck--he used to be a cook on a +man-o'-war. It gives me pleasure to be the means of saving your life, +but I eschew you. The moment that we reach port our paths part. You +remember that in the very first sentence of this story you began to +drive my ship, the _Nupple-duck_, on to a reef of coral." + +I was compelled to confess that this was true, and he continued his +inhospitable reproaches: + +"Before you had written half a column you sent her to the bottom, with +me and the crew. But _you_--you escaped." + +"That is true," I replied; "I cannot deny that the facts are correctly +stated." + +"And in a story before that, you took me and my mates of the ship +_Camel_ into the heart of the South Polar Sea and left us frozen dead in +the ice, like flies in amber. But you did not leave yourself there--you +escaped." + +"Really, Captain," I said, "your memory is singularly accurate, +considering the many hardships that you have had to undergo; many a man +would have gone mad." + +"And a long time before that," Captain Abersouth resumed, after a pause, +more, apparently, to con his memory than to enjoy my good opinion of it, +"you lost me at sea--look here; I didn't read anything but George Eliot +at that time, but I'm _told_ that you lost me at sea in the _Mudlark_. +Have I been misinformed?" + +I could not say he had been misinformed. + +"You yourself escaped on that occasion, I think." + +It was true. Being usually the hero of my own stories, I commonly do +manage to live through one, in order to figure to advantage in the next. +It is from artistic necessity: no reader would take much interest in a +hero who was dead before the beginning of the tale. I endeavored to +explain this to Captain Abersouth. He shook his head. + +"No," said he, "it's cowardly, that's the way I look at it." + +Suddenly an effulgent idea began to dawn upon me, and I let it have its +way until my mind was perfectly luminous. Then I rose from my seat, and +frowning down into the upturned face of my accuser, spoke in severe and +rasping accents thus: + +"Captain Abersouth, in the various perils you and I have encountered +together in the classical literature of the period, if I have always +escaped and you have always perished; if I lost you at sea in the +_Mudlark_, froze you into the ice at the South Pole in the _Camel_ and +drowned you in the _Nupple-duck_, pray be good enough to tell me whom I +have the honor to address." + +It was a blow to the poor man: no one was ever so disconcerted. Flinging +aside his novel, he put up his hands and began to scratch his head and +think. It was beautiful to see him think, but it seemed to distress him +and pointing significantly over the side of the raft I suggested as +delicately as possible that it was time to act. He rose to his feet and +fixing upon me a look of reproach which I shall remember as long as I +can, cast himself into the deep. As to me--I escaped. + + + + +A CARGO OF CAT + + +On the 16th day of June, 1874, the ship _Mary Jane_ sailed from Malta, +heavily laden with cat. This cargo gave us a good deal of trouble. It +was not in bales, but had been dumped into the hold loose. Captain +Doble, who had once commanded a ship that carried coals, said he had +found that plan the best. When the hold was full of cat the hatch was +battened down and we felt good. Unfortunately the mate, thinking the +cats would be thirsty, introduced a hose into one of the hatches and +pumped in a considerable quantity of water, and the cats of the lower +levels were all drowned. + +You have seen a dead cat in a pond: you remember its circumference at +the waist. Water multiplies the magnitude of a dead cat by ten. On the +first day out, it was observed that the ship was much strained. She was +three feet wider than usual and as much as ten feet shorter. The +convexity of her deck was visibly augmented fore and aft, but she turned +up at both ends. Her rudder was clean out of water and she would answer +the helm only when running directly against a strong breeze: the rudder, +when perverted to one side, would rub against the wind and slew her +around; and then she wouldn't steer any more. Owing to the curvature of +the keel, the masts came together at the top, and a sailor who had gone +up the foremast got bewildered, came down the mizzenmast, looked out +over the stern at the receding shores of Malta and shouted: "Land, ho!" +The ship's fastenings were all giving way; the water on each side was +lashed into foam by the tempest of flying bolts that she shed at every +pulsation of the cargo. She was quietly wrecking herself without +assistance from wind or wave, by the sheer internal energy of feline +expansion. + +I went to the skipper about it. He was in his favorite position, sitting +on the deck, supporting his back against the binnacle, making a V of his +legs, and smoking. + +"Captain Doble," I said, respectfully touching my hat, which was really +not worthy of respect, "this floating palace is afflicted with curvature +of the spine and is likewise greatly swollen." + +Without raising his eyes he courteously acknowledged my presence by +knocking the ashes from his pipe. + +"Permit me, Captain," I said, with simple dignity, "to repeat that this +ship is much swollen." + +"If that is true," said the gallant mariner, reaching for his tobacco +pouch, "I think it would be as well to swab her down with liniment. +There's a bottle of it in my cabin. Better suggest it to the mate." + +"But, Captain, there is no time for empirical treatment; some of the +planks at the water line have started." + +The skipper rose and looked out over the stern, toward the land; he +fixed his eyes on the foaming wake; he gazed into the water to starboard +and to port. Then he said: + +"My friend, the whole darned thing has started." + +Sadly and silently I turned from that obdurate man and walked forward. +Suddenly "there was a burst of thunder sound!" The hatch that had held +down the cargo was flung whirling into space and sailed in the air like +a blown leaf. Pushing upward through the hatchway was a smooth, square +column of cat. Grandly and impressively it grew--slowly, serenely, +majestically it rose toward the welkin, the relaxing keel parting the +mastheads to give it a fair chance. I have stood at Naples and seen +Vesuvius painting the town red--from Catania have marked afar, upon the +flanks of Ætna, the lava's awful pursuit of the astonished rooster and +the despairing pig. The fiery flow from Kilauea's crater, thrusting +itself into the forests and licking the entire country clean, is as +familiar to me as my mother-tongue. I have seen glaciers, a thousand +years old and quite bald, heading for a valley full of tourists at the +rate of an inch a month. I have seen a saturated solution of mining camp +going down a mountain river, to make a sociable call on the valley +farmers. I have stood behind a tree on the battle-field and seen a +compact square mile of armed men moving with irresistible momentum to +the rear. Whenever anything grand in magnitude or motion is billed to +appear I commonly manage to beat my way into the show, and in reporting +it I am a man of unscrupulous veracity; but I have seldom observed +anything like that solid gray column of Maltese cat! + +It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each individual grimalkin +in the outfit, with that readiness of resource which distinguishes the +species, had grappled with tooth and nail as many others as it could +hook on to. This preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff +that when the ship rolled (and the _Mary Jane_ was a devil to roll) it +swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if it grew much +taller he would have to order it cut away or it would capsize us. + +Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these discharged +nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from his toes and +shouted: "Let go the anchor!" but being assured that nobody was touching +it, apologized and resumed his revery. The chaplain said if there were +no objections he would like to offer up a prayer, and a gambler from +Chicago, producing a pack of cards, proposed to throw round for the +first jack. The parson's plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final +"amen," the cats struck up a hymn. + +All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother's son of them +sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. Nearly all their notes +in the upper register were more or less cracked and disobedient. The +remarkable thing about the voices was their range. In that crowd were +cats of seventeen octaves, and the average could not have been less than +twelve. + + Number of cats, as per invoice..... 127,000 + Estimated number dead swellers..... 6,000 + ------- + Total songsters................ 121,000 + Average number octaves per cat..... 12 + ------- + Total octaves................ 1,452,000 + +It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, counting +each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, and we could not +go below for provisions. At the end of that time the cook came for'd +shaking up some beans in a hat, and holding a large knife. + +"Shipmates," said he, "we have done all that mortals can do. Let us now +draw lots." + +We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook was forcing +the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the concert closed with a +suddenness that waked the man on the lookout. A moment later every +grimalkin relaxed his hold on his neighbors, the column lost its +cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, sickening thuds that beat as one, the +whole business fell to the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that +feline host sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for +the African shore! + +The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, resembles in +shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within sight of it. The cats in +the fabric had spied it, and their alert imaginations were instantly +affected with a lively sense of the size, weight and probable momentum +of its flung bootjack. + + + + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + + + + +I + +THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE + + +It is deserving of remark and censure that American literature is become +shockingly moral. There is not a doubt of it; our writers, if accused, +would make explicit confession that morality is their only +fault--morality in the strict and specific sense. Far be it from me to +disparage and belittle this decent tendency to ignore the largest side +of human nature, and liveliest element of literary interest. It has an +eminence of its own; if it is not great art, it is at least great +folly--a superior sort of folly to which none of the masters of letters +has ever attained. Not Shakspeare, nor Cervantes, nor Goethe, nor +Molière, nor--no, not even Rabelais--ever achieved that shining pinnacle +of propriety to which the latter-day American has aspired, by turning +his back upon nature's broad and fruitful levels and his eyes upon the +passionate altitudes where, throned upon congenial ice, Miss Nancy sits +to censure letters, putting the Muses into petticoats and affixing a +fig-leaf upon Truth. Ours are an age and country of expurgated editions, +emasculated art, and social customs that look over the top of a fan. + + Lo! prude-eyed Primdimity, mother of Gush, + Sex-conscious, invoking the difficult blush; + At vices that plague us and sins that beset + Sternly directing her private lorgnette, + Whose lenses, self-searching instinctive for sin, + Make image without of the fancies within. + Itself, if examined, would show us, alas! + A tiny transparency (French) on each glass. + +Now, prudery in letters, if it would but have the goodness not to +coexist with prudery in life, might be suffered with easy fortitude, +inasmuch as one needs not read what one does not like; and between the +license of the dear old bucks above mentioned, and the severities of +Miss Nancy Howells, and Miss Nancy James, Jr., of t'other school, there +is latitude for gratification of individual taste. But it occurs that a +literature rather accurately reflects all the virtues and other vices of +its period and country, and its tendencies are but the matchings of +thought with action. Hence, we may reasonably expect to find--and +indubitably shall find--certain well-marked correspondences between the +literary faults which it pleases our writers to commit and the social +crimes which it pleases the Adversary to see their readers commit. +Within the current lustrum the prudery which had already, for some +seasons, been achieving a vinegar-visaged and corkscrew-curled certain +age in letters, has invaded the ball-room, and is infesting it in +quantity. Supportable, because evitable, in letters, it is here, for the +contrary reason, insufferable; for one must dance and enjoy one's self +whether one like it or not. Pleasure, I take it, is a duty not to be +shirked at the command of disinclination. Youth, following the bent of +inherited instinct, and loyally conforming himself to the centuries, +must shake a leg in the dance, and Age, from emulation and habit, and +for denial of rheumatic incapacity, must occasionally twist his heel +though he twist it off in the performance. Dance we must, and dance we +shall; that is settled; the question of magnitude is, Shall we caper +jocundly with the good grace of an easy conscience, or submit to shuffle +half-heartedly with a sense of shame, wincing under the slow stroke of +our own rebuking eye? To this momentous question let us now +intelligently address our minds, sacredly pledged, as becomes lovers of +truth, to its determination in the manner most agreeable to our desires; +and if, in pursuance of this laudable design, we have the unhappiness to +bother the bunions decorating the all-pervading feet of the good people +whose deprecations are voiced in _The Dance of Death_ and the clamatory +literature of which that blessed volume was the honored parent, upon +their own corns be it; they should not have obtruded these eminences + + when youth and pleasure meet + To chase the glowing hours with flying feet. + +What, therefore, whence, and likewise why, is dancing? From what flower +of nature, fertilized by what pollen of circumstance or necessity, is it +the fruit? Let us go to the root of the matter. + + + + +II + +THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD + + +Nature takes a childish delight in tireless repetition. The days repeat +themselves, the tides ebb and flow, the tree sways forth and back. This +world is intent upon recurrences. Not the pendulum of a clock is more +persistent of iteration than are all existing things; periodicity is the +ultimate law and largest explanation of the universe--to do it over +again the one insatiable ambition of all that is. Everything vibrates; +through vibration alone do the senses discern it. We are not provided +with means of cognizance of what is absolutely at rest; impressions come +in waves. Recurrence, recurrence, and again recurrence--that is the sole +phenomenon. With what fealty we submit us to the law which compels the +rhythm and regularity to our movement--that makes us divide up passing +time into brief equal intervals, marking them off by some method of +physical notation, so that our senses may apprehend them! In all we do +we unconsciously mark time like a clock, the leader of an orchestra with +his _bâton_ only more perfectly than the smith with his hammer, or the +woman with her needle, because his hand is better assisted by his ear, +less embarrassed with _impedimenta_. The pedestrian impelling his legs +and the idler twiddling his thumbs are endeavoring, each in his +unconscious way, to beat time to some inaudible music; and the graceless +lout, sitting cross-legged in a horse-car, manages the affair with his +toe. + +The more intently we labor, the more intensely do we become absorbed in +labor's dumb song, until with body and mind engaged in the ecstacy of +repetition, we resent an interruption of our work as we do a false note +in music, and are mightily enamored of ourselves afterward for the power +of application which was simply inability to desist. In this rhythm of +toil is to be found the charm of industry. Toil has in itself no spell +to conjure with, but its recurrences of molecular action, cerebral and +muscular, are as delightful as rhyme. + +Such of our pleasures as require movements equally rhythmic with those +entailed by labor are almost equally agreeable, with the added advantage +of being useless. Dancing, which is not only rhythmic movement, pure and +simple, undebased with any element of utility, but is capable of +performance under conditions positively baneful, is for these reasons +the most engaging of them all; and if it were but one-half as wicked as +the prudes have endeavored by method of naughty suggestion to make it +would lack of absolute bliss nothing but the other half. + +This ever active and unabatable something within us which compels us +always to be marking time we may call, for want of a better name, the +instinct of rhythm. It is the æsthetic principle of our nature. +Translated into words it has given us poetry; into sound, music; into +motion, dancing. Perhaps even painting may be referred to it, space +being the correlative of time, and color the correlative of tone. We are +fond of arranging our minute intervals of time into groups. We find +certain of these groups highly agreeable, while others are no end +unpleasant. In the former there is a singular regularity to be observed, +which led hard-headed old Leibnitz to the theory that our delight in +music arises from an inherent affection for mathematics. Yet musicians +have hitherto obtained but indifferent recognition for feats of +calculation, nor have the singing and playing of renowned mathematicians +been unanimously commended by good judges. + +Music so intensifies and excites the instinct of rhythm that a strong +volition is required to repress its physical expression. The +universality of this is well illustrated by the legend, found in some +shape in many countries and languages, of the boy with the fiddle who +compels king, cook, peasant, clown, and all that kind of people, to +follow him through the land; and in the myth of the Pied Piper of +Hamelin we discern abundant reason to think the instinct of rhythm an +attribute of rats. Soldiers march so much livelier with music than +without that it has been found a tolerably good substitute for the hope +of plunder. When the foot-falls are audible, as on the deck of a +steamer, walking has an added pleasure, and even the pirate, with gentle +consideration for the universal instinct, suffers his vanquished foeman +to walk the plank. + +Dancing is simply marking time with the body, as an accompaniment to +music, though the same--without the music--is done with only the head +and forefinger in a New England meeting-house at psalm time. (The +peculiar dance named in honor of St. Vitus is executed with or without +music, at the option of the musician.) But the body is a clumsy piece of +machinery, requiring some attention and observation to keep it +accurately in time to the fiddling. The smallest diversion of the +thought, the briefest relaxing of the mind, is fatal to the performance. +'Tis as easy to fix attention on a sonnet of Shakspeare while working at +whist as gloat upon your partner while waltzing. It can not be +intelligently, appreciatively, and adequately accomplished--_crede +expertum_. + +On the subject of poetry, Emerson says: "Metre begins with pulse-beat, +and the length of lines in songs and poems is determined by the +inhalation and exhalation of the lungs," and this really goes near to +the root of the matter; albeit we might derive therefrom the unsupported +inference that a poet "fat and scant of breath" would write in lines of +a foot each, while the more able-bodied bard, with the capacious lungs +of a pearl-diver, would deliver himself all across his page, with "the +spacious volubility of a drumming decasyllabon." + +While the heart, working with alternate contraction and dilatation, +sends the blood intermittently through the brain, and the outer world +apprises us of its existence only by successive impulses, it must result +that our sense of things will be rhythmic. The brain being alternately +stimulated and relaxed we must think--as we feel--in waves, apprehending +nothing continuously, and incapable of a consciousness that is not +divisible into units of perception of which we make mental record and +physical sign. That is why we dance. That is why we can, may, must, +will, and shall dance, and the gates of Philistia shall not prevail +against us. + + La valse légère, la valse légère, + The free, the bright, the debonair, + That stirs the strong, and fires the fair + With joy like wine of vintage rare-- + That lends the swiftly circling pair + A short surcease of killing care, + With music in the dreaming air, + With elegance and grace to spare. + Vive! vive la valse, la valse légère! + + --_George Jessop_. + + + + +III + +THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT + + +Our civilization--wise child!--knows its father in the superior +civilization whose colossal vestiges are found along the Nile. To those, +then, who see in the dance a civilizing art, it can not be wholly +unprofitable to glance at this polite accomplishment as it existed among +the ancient Egyptians, and was by them transmitted--with various +modifications, but preserving its essentials of identity--to other +nations and other times. And here we have first to note that, as in all +the nations of antiquity, the dance in Egypt was principally a religious +ceremony; the pious old boys that builded the pyramids executed their +jigs as an act of worship. Diodorus Siculus informs us that Osiris, in +his proselyting travels among the peoples surrounding Egypt--for Osiris +was what we would call a circuit preacher--was accompanied by dancers +male and dancers female. From the sculptures on some of the oldest tombs +of Thebes it is seen that the dances there depicted did not greatly +differ from those in present favor in the same region; although it seems +a fair inference from the higher culture and refinement of the elder +period that they were distinguished by graces correspondingly superior. +That dances having the character of religious rites were not always free +from an element that we would term indelicacy, but which their +performers and witnesses probably considered the commendable exuberance +of zeal and devotion, is manifest from the following passage of +Herodotus, in which reference is made to the festival of Bubastis: + + Men and women come sailing all together, vast numbers in each boat, + many of the women with castanets, which they strike, while some of + the men pipe during the whole period of the voyage; the remainder of + the voyagers, male and female, sing the while, and make a clapping + with their hands. When they arrive opposite to any town on the banks + of the stream they approach the shore, and while some of the women + continue to play and sing, others call aloud to the females of the + place and load them with abuse, a certain number dancing and others + standing up, uncovering themselves. Proceeding in this way all along + the river course they reach Bubastis, where they celebrate the feast + with abundant sacrifice. + +Of the mysteries of Isis and Osiris, in which dancing played an +important part, the character of the ceremonies is matter of dim +conjecture; but from the hints that have come down to us like +significant shrugs and whispers from a discreet past, which could say a +good deal more if it had a mind to, I hasten to infer that they were no +better than they should have been. + +Naturally the dances for amusement of others were regulated in movement +and gesture to suit the taste of patrons: for the refined, decency and +moderation; for the wicked, _a soupçon_ of the other kind of excellence. +In the latter case the buffoon, an invariable adjunct, committed a +thousand extravagances, and was a dear, delightful, naughty ancient +Egyptian buffoon. These dances were performed by both men and women; +sometimes together, more frequently in separate parties. The men seem to +have confined themselves mostly to exercises requiring strength of leg +and arm. The figures on the tombs represent men in lively and vigorous +postures, some in attitude preliminary to leaping, others in the air. +This feature of agility would be a novelty in the oriental dances of +to-day; the indolent male spectator being satisfied with a slow, +voluptuous movement congenial to his disposition. When, on the contrary, +the performance of our prehistoric friends was governed and determined +by ideas of grace, there were not infrequently from six to eight musical +instruments, the harp, guitar, double-pipe, lyre, and tambourine of the +period being most popular, and these commonly accompanied by a clapping +of hands to mark the time. + +As with the Greeks, dancers were had in at dinner to make merry; for +although the upper-class Egyptian was forbidden to practice the art, +either as an accomplishment or for the satisfaction of his emotional +nature, it was not considered indecorous to hire professionals to +perform before him and his female and young. The she dancer usually +habited herself in a loose, flowing robe, falling to the ankles and +bound at the waist, while about the hips was fastened a narrow, ornate +girdle. This costume--in point of opacity imperfectly superior to a +gentle breeze--is not always discernible in the sculptures; but it is +charitably believed that the pellucid garment, being merely painted over +the figures, has been ravished away by the hand of Time--the wretch! + +One of the dances was a succession of pleasing attitudes, the hands and +arms rendering important assistance--the body bending backward and +forward and swaying laterally, the _figurante_ sometimes half-kneeling, +and in that position gracefully posturing, and again balanced on one +foot, the arms and hands waving slowly in time to the music. In another +dance, the _pirouette_ and other figures dear to the bald-headed beaux +of the modern play-house, were practiced in the familiar way. Four +thousand years ago, the senses of the young ancient Egyptian--wild, +heady lad!--were kicked into confusion by the dark-skinned belle of the +ballet, while senility, with dimmed eyes, rubbed its dry hands in +feverish approval at the self-same feat. Dear, dear, but it was a bad +world four thousand years ago! + +Sometimes they danced in pairs, men with men and women with women, +indifferently, the latter arrangement seeming to us preferable by reason +of the women's conspicuously superior grace and almost equal agility; +for it is in evidence on the tombs that tumblers and acrobats were +commonly of the softer sex. Some of the attitudes were similar to those +which drew from Socrates the ungallant remark that women were capable of +learning anything which you will that they should know. The figures in +this _pas de deux_ appear frequently to have terminated in what +children, with their customary coarseness of speech, are pleased to call +"wringing the dish-clout"--clasping the hands, throwing the arms above +the head and turning rapidly, each as on a pivot, without loosing the +hands of the other, and resting again in position. + +Sometimes, with no other music than the percussion of hands, a man would +execute a _pas seul_, which it is to be presumed he enjoyed. Again, with +a riper and better sense of musical methods, the performer accompanied +himself, or, as in this case it usually was, herself, on the +double-pipes, the guitar or the tambourine, while the familiar +hand-clapping was done by attendants. A step not unlike that of the +abominable clog dance of the "variety" stage and "music hall" of the +present day consisted in striking the heel of first one foot and then +the other, the hands and arms being employed to diminish the monotony of +the movement. For amusement and instruction of the vulgar, buffoons in +herds of ten or more in fested the streets, hopping and posing to the +sound of a drum. + +As illustrating the versatility of the dance, its wide capacities of +adaptation to human emotional needs, I may mention here the procession +of women to the tomb of a friend or relative Punishing the tambourine or +_dara booka_ drum, and bearing branches of palm or other symbolic +vegetables, these sprightly mourners passed through the streets with +songs and dances which, under the circumstances, can hardly have failed +eminently to gratify the person so fortunate as to have his memory +honored by so delicate and appropriate observance. + + + + +IV + +A REEF IN THE GABARDINE + + +The early Jew danced ritually and socially. Some of his dances and the +customs connected therewith were of his own devising; others he picked +up in Egypt, the latter, no doubt, being more firmly fixed in his memory +by the necessity of practicing them--albeit behind the back of +Moses--while he had them still fresh in his mind; for he would naturally +resort to every human and inhuman device to wile away the dragging +decades consumed in tracing the labyrinthine sinuosities of his course +in the wilderness. When a man has assurance that he will not be +permitted to arrive at the point for which he set out, perceiving that +every step forward is a step wasted, he will pretty certainly use his +feet to a better purpose than walking. Clearly, at a time when all the +chosen people were Wandering Jews they would dance all they knew how. We +know that they danced in worship of the Golden Calf, and that previously +"Miriam the prophetess, sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and +all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances." And +ever so many generations before, Laban complained to Jacob that Jacob +had stolen away instead of letting him send him off with songs and mirth +and music on the tabret and harp, a method of speeding the parting guest +which would naturally include dancing, although the same is not of +explicit record. + +The religious ceremonies of the Jews had not at all times the restraint +and delicacy which it is to be wished the Lord had exacted, for we read +of King David himself dancing before the Ark in a condition so nearly +nude as greatly to scandalize the daughter of Saul. By the way, this +incident has been always a stock argument for the extinction and decent +interment of the unhappy anti dancer. Conceding the necessity of his +extinction, I am yet indisposed to attach much weight to the Davidian +precedent, for it does not appear that he was acting under divine +command, directly or indirectly imparted, and whenever he followed the +hest of his own sweet will David had a notable knack at going wrong. +Perhaps the best value of the incident consists in the evidence it +supplies that dancing was not forbidden--save possibly by divine +injunction--to the higher classes of Jews, for unless we are to suppose +the dancing of David to have been the mere clumsy capering of a loutish +mood (a theory which our respect for royalty, even when divested of its +imposing externals, forbids us to entertain) we are bound to assume +previous instruction and practice in the art. We have, moreover, the +Roman example of the daughter of Herodias, whose dancing before Herod +was so admirably performed that she was suitably rewarded with a +testimonial of her step father's esteem. To these examples many more +might be added, showing by cumulative evidence that among the ancient +people whose religion was good enough for us to adopt and improve, +dancing was a polite and proper accomplishment, although not always +decorously executed on seasonable occasion. + + + + +V + +ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING + + +The nearly oldest authentic human records now decipherable are the +cuneiform inscriptions from the archives of Assurbanipal, translated by +the late George Smith, of the British Museum, and in them we find +abundant reference to the dance, but must content ourselves with a +single one. + + The kings of Arabia who against my agreement, + sinned, whom in the midst of battle alive I had captured + in hand, to make that Bitrichiti Heavy burdens I + caused them to carry and I caused them to take + building its brick work with dancing and + music with joy and shouting from the found + ation to its roof I built + + +A Mesopotamian king, who had the genius to conceive the dazzling idea of +communicating with the readers of this distant generation by taking +impressions of carpet tacks on cubes of unbaked clay is surely entitled +to a certain veneration, and when he associates dancing with such +commendable actions as making porters of his royal captives it is not +becoming in us meaner mortals to set up a contrary opinion. Indeed +nothing can be more certain than that the art of dancing was not +regarded by the ancients generally in the light of a frivolous +accomplishment, nor its practice a thing wherewith to shoo away a +tedious hour. In their minds it evidently had a certain dignity and +elevation, so much so that they associated it with their ideas +(tolerably correct ones, on the whole) of art, harmony, beauty, truth +and religion With them, dancing bore a relation to walking and the +ordinary movements of the limbs similar to that which poetry bears to +prose, and as our own Emerson--himself something of an ancient--defines +poetry as the piety of the intellect, so Homer would doubtless have +defined dancing as the devotion of the body if he had had the +unspeakable advantage of a training in the Emerson school of epigram. +Such a view of it is natural to the unsophisticated pagan mind, and to +all minds of clean, wholesome, and simple understanding. It is only the +intellect that has been subjected to the strain of overwrought religious +enthusiasm of the more sombre sort that can discern a lurking devil in +the dance, or anything but an exhilarating and altogether delightful +outward manifestation of an inner sense of harmony, joy and well being. +Under the stress of morbid feeling, or the overstrain of religious +excitement, coarsely organized natures see or create something gross and +prurient in things intrinsically sweet and pure, and it happens that +when the dance has fallen to their shaping and direction, as in +religious rites, then it has received its most objectionable development +and perversion. But the grossness of dances devised by the secular mind +for purposes of æsthetic pleasure is all in the censorious critic, who +deserves the same kind of rebuke administered by Dr. Johnson to Boswell, +who asked the Doctor if he considered a certain nude statue immodest. +"No, sir, but your question is." + +It would be an unfortunate thing, indeed, if the "prurient prudes" of +the meeting houses were permitted to make the laws by which society +should be governed. The same unhappy psychological condition which makes +the dance an unclean thing in their jaundiced eyes renders it impossible +for them to enjoy art or literature when the subject is natural, the +treatment free and joyous. The ingenuity that can discover an indelicate +provocative in the waltz will have no difficulty in snouting out all +manner of uncleanliness in Shakspeare, Chaucer, Boccacio--nay, even in +the New Testament. It would detect an unpleasant suggestiveness in the +Medicean Venus, and two in the Dancing Faun. To all such the ordinary +functions of life are impure, the natural man and woman things to blush +at, all the economies of nature full of shocking improprieties. + +In the Primitive Church dancing was a religious rite, no less than it +was under the older dispensation among the Jews. On the eve of sacred +festivals, the young people were accustomed to assemble, sometimes +before the church door, sometimes in the choir or nave of the church, +and dance and sing hymns in honor of the saint whose festival it was. +Easter Sunday, especially, was so celebrated; and rituals of a +comparatively modern date contain the order in which it is appointed +that the dances are to be performed, and the words of the hymns to the +music of which the youthful devotees flung up their pious heels But I +digress. + +In Plato's time the Greeks held that dancing awakened and preserved in +the soul--as I do not doubt that it does--the sentiment of harmony and +proportion; and in accordance with this idea Simonides, with a happy +knack at epigram, defined dances as "poems in dumb show." + +In his _Republic_ Plato classifies the Grecian dances as domestic, +designed for relaxation and amusement, military, to promote strength and +activity in battle; and religious, to accompany the sacred songs at +pious festivals. To the last class belongs the dance which Theseus is +said to have instituted on his return from Crete, after having abated +the Minotaur nuisance. At the head of a noble band of youth, this public +spirited reformer of abuses himself executed his dance. Theseus as a +dancing-master does not much fire the imagination, it is true, but the +incident has its value and purpose in this dissertation. Theseus called +his dance _Geranos_, or the "Crane," because its figures resembled those +described by that fowl aflight; and Plutarch fancied he discovered in it +a meaning which one does not so readily discover in Plutarch's +explanation. + +It is certain that, in the time of Anacreon[A], the Greeks loved the +dance. That poet, with frequent repetition, felicitates himself that age +has not deprived him of his skill in it. In Ode LIII, he declares that +in the dance he renews his youth + + When I behold the festive train + Of dancing youth, I'm young again + + And let me, while the wild and young + Trip the mazy dance along + Fling my heap of years away + And be as wild, as young as they + + --_Moore_ + + +[Footnote A: It may be noted here that the popular conception of this +poet as a frivolous sensualist is unsustained by evidence and repudiated +by all having knowledge of the matter. Although love and wine were his +constant themes, there is good ground for the belief that he wrote of +them with greater _abandon_ than he indulged in them--a not uncommon +practice of the poet-folk, by the way, and one to which those who sing +of deeds of arms are perhaps especially addicted. The great age which +Anacreon attained points to a temperate life; and he more than once +denounces intoxication with as great zeal as a modern reformer who has +eschewed the flagon for the trencher. According to Anacreon, drunkenness +is "the vice of barbarians;" though, for the matter of that, it is +difficult to say what achievable vice is not. In Ode LXII, he sings: + + Fill me, boy, as deep a draught + As e'er was filled, as e'er was quaffed; + But let the water amply flow + To cool the grape's intemperate glow. + * * * * * + For though the bowl's the grave of sadness + Ne'er let it be the birth of madness + No! banish from our board to night + The revelries of rude delight + To Scythians leave these wild excesses + Ours be the joy that soothes and blesses! + And while the temperate bowl we wreathe + In concert let our voices breathe + Beguiling every hour along + With harmony of soul and song + +Maximus of Tyre speaking of Polycrates the Tyrant (tyrant, be it +remembered, meant only usurper, not oppressor) considered the happiness +of that potentate secure because he had a powerful navy and such a +friend as Anacreon--the word navy naturally suggesting cold water, and +cold water, Anacreon.] + + +And so in Ode LIX, which seems to be a vintage hymn. + + When he whose verging years decline + As deep into the vale as mine + When he inhales the vintage cup + His feet new winged from earth spring up + And as he dances the fresh air + Plays whispering through his silvery hair + + --_Id_ + +In Ode XLVII, he boasts that age has not impaired his relish for, nor +his power of indulgence in, the feast and dance. + + Tis true my fading years decline + Yet I can quaff the brimming wine + As deep as any stripling fair + Whose cheeks the flush of morning wear, + And if amidst the wanton crew + I'm called to wind the dance's clew + Then shalt thou see this vigorous hand + Not faltering on the Bacchant's wand + + For though my fading years decay-- + Though manhood's prime hath passed away, + Like old Silenus sire divine + With blushes borrowed from the wine + I'll wanton mid the dancing tram + And live my follies o'er again + + --_Id_ + +Cornelius Nepos, I think, mentions among the admirable qualities of the +great Epaminondas that he had an extraordinary talent for music and +dancing. Epaminondas accomplishing his jig must be accepted as a +pleasing and instructive figure in the history of the dance. + +Lucian says that a dancer must have some skill as an actor, and some +acquaintance with mythology--the reason being that the dances at the +festivals of the gods partook of the character of pantomime, and +represented the most picturesque events and passages in the popular +religion. Religious knowledge is happily no longer regarded as a +necessary qualification for the dance, and, in point of fact no thing is +commonly more foreign to the minds of those who excel in it. + +It is related of Aristides the Just that he danced at an entertainment +given by Dionysius the Tyrant, and Plato, who was also a guest, probably +confronted him in the set. + +The "dance of the wine press," described by Longinus, was originally +modest and proper, but seems to have become in the process of time--and +probably by the stealthy participation of disguised prudes--a kind of +_can can_. + +In the high noon of human civilization--in the time of Pericles at +Athens--dancing seems to have been regarded as a civilizing and refining +amusement in which the gravest dignitaries and most renowned worthies +joined with indubitable alacrity, if problematic advantage. Socrates +himself--at an advanced age, too--was persuaded by the virtuous Aspasia +to cut his caper with the rest of them. + +Horace (Ode IX, Book I,) exhorts the youth not to despise the dance: + + Nec dulcis amores + Sperne puer, neque tu choreas. + +Which may be freely translated thus: + + Boy, in Love's game don't miss a trick, + Nor be in the dance a walking stick. + +In Ode IV, Book I, he says: + + Jam Cytherea choros ducit, inminente Luna + Junctæque Nymphis Gratiæ decentes + Alterno terram quatiunt pede, etc. + + At moonrise, Venus and her joyous band + Of Nymphs and Graces leg it o'er the land + +In Ode XXXVI, Book I (supposed to have been written when Numida returned +from the war in Spain, with Augustus, and referring to which an old +commentator says "We may judge with how much tenderness Horace loved his +friends, when he celebrates their return with sacrifices, songs, and +dances") Horace writes + + Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota + Neu promtæ modus amphoræ + Neu morem in Salium sit requies pedum etc. + + Let not the day forego its mark + Nor lack the wine jug's honest bark + Like Salian priests we'll toss our toes-- + Choose partners for the dance--here goes! + +It has been hastily inferred that, in the time of Cicero, dancing was +not held in good repute among the Romans, but I prefer to consider his +ungracious dictum (in _De Ami citia_, I think,) "_Nemo sobrius +saltat_"--no sober man dances--as merely the spiteful and envious fling +of a man who could not himself dance, and am disposed to congratulate +the golden youth of the Eternal City on the absence of the solemn +consequential and egotistic orator from their festivals and merry +makings whence his shining talents would have been so many several +justifications for his forcible extrusion. No doubt his eminence +procured him many invitations to balls of the period, and some of these +he probably felt constrained to accept, but it is highly unlikely that +he was often solicited to dance, he probably wiled away the tedious +hours of inaction by instructing the fibrous virgins and gouty bucks in +the principles of juris prudence. Cicero as a wall flower is an +interesting object, and, turning to another branch of our subject, in +this picturesque attitude we leave him. Left talking. + + + + +VI + +CAIRO REVISITED + + +Having glanced, briefly, and as through a glass darkly, at the dance as +it existed in the earliest times of which we have knowledge in the +country whence, through devious and partly obliterated channels, we +derived much of our civilization, let us hastily survey some of its +modern methods in the same region--supplying thereby some small means of +comparison to the reader who may care to note the changes undergone and +the features preserved. + +We find the most notable, if not the only, purely Egyptian dancer of our +time in the _Alme_ or _Ghowazee_. The former name is derived from the +original calling of this class--that of reciting poetry to the inmates +of the harem, the latter they acquired by dancing at the festivals of +the Ghors, or Memlooks. Reasonably modest at first, the dancing of the +Alme became, in the course of time, so conspicuously indelicate that +great numbers of the softer sex persuaded themselves to its acquirement +and practice, and a certain viceregal Prude once contracted the powers +of the whole Cairo contingent of Awalim into the pent up Utica of the +town of Esuch, some five hundred miles removed from the viceregal +dissenting eye. For a brief season the order was enforced, then the +sprightly sinners danced out of bounds, and their successors can now be +found by the foreign student of Egyptian morals without the fatigue and +expense of a long journey up the Nile. + +The professional dress of the Alme consists of a short embroidered +jacket, fitting closely to the arms and back, but frankly unreserved in +front, long loose trousers of silk sufficiently opaque somewhat to +soften the severity of the lower limbs, a Cashmere shawl bound about the +waist and a light turban of muslin embroidered with gold. The long black +hair, starred with small coins, falls abundantly over the shoulders. The +eyelids are sabled with kohl, and such other paints, oils, varnishes and +dyestuffs are used as the fair one--who is a trifle dark, by the +way--may have proved for herself, or accepted on the superior judgment +of her European sisters. Altogether, the girl's outer and visible aspect +is not unattractive to the eye of the traveler, however faulty to the +eye of the traveler's wife. When about to dance, the Alme puts on a +lighter and more diaphanous dress, eschews her slippers, and with a slow +and measured step advances to the centre of the room--her lithe figure +undulating with a grace peculiarly serpentile. The music is that of a +reed pipe or a tambourine--a number of attendants assisting with +castanets. Perhaps the "argument" of her dance will be a love-passage +with an imaginary young Arab. The coyness of a first meeting by chance +her gradual warming into passion their separation, followed by her tears +and dejection the hope of meeting soon again and, finally, the +intoxication of being held once more in his arms--all are delineated +with a fidelity and detail surprising to whatever of judgment the +masculine spectator may have the good fortune to retain. + +One of the prime favorites is the "wasp dance," allied to the +Tarantella. Although less pleasing in motive than that described, the +wasp dance gives opportunity for movements of even superior +significance--or, as one may say, suggestures. The girl stands in a +pensive posture, her hands demurely clasped in front, her head poised a +little on one side. Suddenly a wasp is heard to approach, and by her +gestures is seen to have stung her on the breast. She then darts hither +and thither in pursuit of that audacious insect, assuming all manner of +provoking attitudes, until, finally, the wasp having been caught and +miserably exterminated, the girl resumes her innocent smile and modest +pose. + + + + +VII + +JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS + + +Throughout Asia, dancing is marked by certain characteristics which do +not greatly differ, save in degree, among the various peoples who +practice it. With few exceptions, it is confined to the superior sex, +and these ladies, I am sorry to confess, have not derived as great moral +advantage from the monopoly as an advocate of dancing would prefer to +record. + +Dancing--the rhythmical movement of the limbs and body to music--is, as +I have endeavored to point out, instinctive, hardly a people, savage or +refined, but has certain forms of it. When, from any cause, the men +abstain from its execution it has commonly not the character of grace +and agility as its dominant feature, but is distinguished by soft, +voluptuous movements, suggestive posturing, and all the wiles by which +the performer knows she can best please the other sex, the most +forthright and effective means to that commendable end being evocation +of man's baser nature. The Japanese men are anti-dancers from necessity +of costume, if nothing else, and the effect is much the same as +elsewhere under the same conditions the women dance, the men gloat and +the gods grieve. + +There are two kinds of dances in Japan, the one not only lewd, but--to +speak with accurate adjustment of word to fact--beastly, in the other +grace is the dominating element, and decency as cold as a snow storm. Of +the former class, the "Chon Nookee" is the most popular. It is, however, +less a dance than an exhibition, and its patrons are the wicked, the +dissolute and the European. It is commonly given at some entertainment +to which respectable women have not the condescension to be +invited--such as a dinner party of some wealthy gentleman's gentlemen +friends. The dinner-served on the floor--having been impatiently tucked +away, and the candies, cakes, hot saki and other necessary addenda of a +Japanese dinner brought in, the "Chon Nookee" is demanded, and with a +modest demeanor, worn as becomingly as if it were their every day habit, +the performers glide in, seating themselves coyly on the floor, in two +rows. Each dancing girl is appareled in such captivating bravery as her +purse can buy or her charms exact. The folds of her varicolored gowns +crossing her bosom makes combinations of rich, warm hues, which it were +folly not to admire and peril to admire too much. The faces of these +girls are in many instances exceedingly pretty, but with that +natural--and, be it humbly submitted, not very creditable--tendency of +the sex to revision and correction of nature's handiwork, they plaster +them with pigments dear to the sign painter and temper the red glory of +their lips with a bronze preparation which the flattered brass founder +would no doubt deem kissable utterly. The music is made by beating a +drum and twanging a kind of guitar, the musician chanting the while to +an exceedingly simple air words which, in deference to the possible +prejudices of those readers who may be on terms of familarity with the +Japanese language, I have deemed it proper to omit--with an apology to +the Prudes for the absence of an appendix in which they might be given +without offense. (I had it in mind to insert the music here, but am told +by credible authority that in Japan music is moral or immoral without +reference to the words that may be sung with it. So I omit--with +reluctance--the score, as well as the words.) + +The chanting having proceeded for a few minutes the girls take up the +song and enter spiritedly into the dance. One challenges another and at +a certain stage of the lively song with the sharp cry _"Hoi!"_ makes a +motion with her hand. Failure on the part of the other instantaneously +and exactly to copy this gesture entails the forfeiture of a garment, +which is at once frankly removed. Cold and mechanical at the outset, the +music grows spirited as the girls grow nude, and the dancers themselves +become strangely excited as they warm to the work, taking, the while, +generous potations of saki to assist their enthusiasm. + +Let it not be supposed that in all this there is anything of passion, it +is with these women nothing more that the mere mental exaltation +produced by music, exercise and drink. With the spectators (I have +heard) it fares somewhat otherwise. + +When modesty's last rag has been discarded, the girls as if suddenly +abashed at their own audacity, fly like startled fawns from the room, +leaving their patrons to make a settlement with conscience and arrange +the terms upon which that monitor will consent to the performance of the +rest of the dance. For the dance proper--or improper--is now about to +begin. If the first part seemed somewhat tropical, comparison with what +follows will acquit it of that demerit. The combinations of the dance +are infinitely varied, and so long as willing witnesses remain--which, +in simple justice to manly fortitude it should be added, is a good +while--so long will the "Chon Nookee" present a new and unexpected +phase, but it is thought expedient that no more of them be presented +here, and if the reader has done me the honor to have enough of it, we +will pass to the consideration of another class of dances. + +Of this class those most in favor are the Fan and Umbrella dances, +performed, usually, by young girls trained almost from infancy. The +Japanese are passionately fond of these beautiful exhibitions of grace, +and no manner of festivity is satisfactorily celebrated without them. +The musicians, all girls, commonly six or eight in number, play on the +guitar, a small ivory wand being used, instead of the fingers, to strike +the strings. The dancer, a girl of some thirteen years, is elaborately +habited as a page. Confined by the closely folded robe as by fetters, +the feet and legs are not much used, the feet, indeed, never leaving the +floor. Time is marked by undulations of the body, waving the arms, and +deft manipulation of the fan. The supple figure bends and sways like a +reed in the wind, advances and recedes, one movement succeeding another +by transitions singularly graceful, the arms describing innumerable +curves, and the fan so skilfully handled as to seem instinct with a life +and liberty of its own. Nothing more pure, more devoid of evil +suggestion, can be imagined. It is a sad fact that the poor children +trained to the execution of this harmless and pleasing dance are +destined, in their riper years, to give their charms and graces to the +service of the devil in the 'Chon Nookee'. The umbrella dance is similar +to the one just described, the main difference being the use of a small, +gaily colored umbrella in place of the fan. + +Crossing from Japan to China, the Prude will find a condition of things +which, for iron severity of morals, is perhaps unparalleled--no dancing +whatever, by either profligate or virtuous women. To whatever original +cause we may attribute this peculiarity, it seems eternal, for the women +of the upper classes have an ineradicable habit of so mutilating their +feet that even the polite and comparatively harmless accomplishment of +walking is beyond their power, those of the lower orders have not sense +enough to dance, and that men should dance alone is a proposition of +such free and forthright idiocy as to be but obscurely conceivable to +any understanding not having the gift of maniacal inspiration, or the +normal advantage of original incapacity. Altogether, we may rightly +consider China the heaven appointed _habitat_ of people who dislike the +dance. + +In Siam, what little is known of dancing is confined to the people of +Laos. The women are meek eyed, spiritless creatures, crushed under the +heavy domination of the stronger sex. Naturally, their music and dancing +are of a plaintive, almost doleful character, not without a certain +cloying sweetness, however. The dancing is as graceful as the pudgy +little bodies of the women are capable of achieving--a little more +pleasing than the capering of a butcher's block, but not quite so much +so as that of a wash tub. Its greatest merit is the steely rigor of its +decorum. The dancers, however, like ourselves, are a shade less +appallingly proper off the floor than on it. + +In no part of the world, probably, is the condition of women more +consummately deplorable than in India, and, in consequence, nowhere than +in the dances of that country is manifested a more simple +unconsciousness or frank disregard of decency. As by nature, and +according to the light that is in him, the Hindu is indolent and +licentious, so, in accurately matching degree, are the dancing girls +innocent of morality, and uninfected with shame. It would be difficult, +more keenly to insult a respectable Hindu woman than to accuse her of +having danced, while the man who should affect the society of the +females justly so charged would incur the lasting detestation of his +race. The dancing girls are of two orders of infamy--those who serve in +the temples, and are hence called Devo Dasi, slaves of the gods, and the +Nautch girls, who dance in a secular sort for hire. Frequently a mother +will make a vow to dedicate her unborn babe, if it have the obedience to +be a girl, to the service of some particular god, in this way, and by +the daughters born to themselves, are the ranks of the Devo Dasi +recruited. The sons of these miserable creatures are taught to play upon +musical instruments for their mothers and sisters to dance by. As the +ordinary Hindu woman is careless about the exposure of her charms, so +these dancers take intelligent and mischievous advantage of the social +situation by immodestly concealing their own. The Devo Dasi actually go +to the length of wearing clothes! Each temple has a band of eight or ten +of these girls, who celebrate their saltatory rites morning and evening. +Advancing at the head of the religious procession, they move themselves +in an easy and graceful manner, with gradual transition to a more +sensuous and voluptuous motion, suiting their action to the religious +frame of mind of the devout until their well-rounded limbs and lithe +figures express a degree of piety consonant with the purpose of the +particular occasion. They attend all public ceremonies and festivals, +executing their audacious dances impartially for gods and men. + +The Nautch girls are purchased in infancy, and as carefully trained in +their wordly way as the Devo Dasi for the diviner function, being about +equally depraved. All the large cities contain full sets of these girls, +with attendant musicians, ready for hire at festivals of any kind, and +by leaving orders parties are served at their residences with fidelity +and dispatch. Commonly they dance two at a time, but frequently some +wealthy gentleman will secure the services of a hundred or more to +assist him through the day without resorting to questionable expedients +of time-killing. Their dances require strict attention, from the +circumstance that their feet--like those of the immortal equestrienne of +Banbury Cross--are hung with small bells, which must be made to sound in +concert with the notes of the musicians. In attitude and gesture they +are almost as bad as their pious sisters of the temples. The endeavor is +to express the passions of love, hope, jealousy, despair, etc, and they +eke out this mimicry with chanted songs in every way worthy of the +movements of which they are the explanatory notes. These are the only +women in Hindustan whom it is thought worth while to teach to read and +write. If they would but make as noble use of their intellectual as they +do of their physical education, they might perhaps produce books as +moral as _The Dance of Death_. + +In Persia and Asia Minor, the dances and dancers are nearly alike. In +both countries the Georgian and Circassian slaves who have been taught +the art of pleasing, are bought by the wealthy for their amusement and +that of their wives and concubines. Some of the performances are pure in +motive and modest in execution, but most of them are interesting +otherwise. The beautiful young Circassian slave, clad in loose robes of +diaphanous texture, takes position, castanets in hand, on a square rug, +and to the music of a kind of violin goes through the figures of her +dance, her whiteness giving her an added indelicacy which the European +spectator misses in the capering of her berry brown sisters in sin of +other climes. + +The dance of the Georgian is more spirited. Her dress is a brief skirt +reaching barely to the knees and a low cut chemise. In her night black +hair is wreathed a bright red scarf or string of pearls. The music, at +first low and slow increases by degrees in rapidity and volume, then +falls away almost to silence, again swells and quickens and so +alternates, the motions of the dancer's willowy and obedient figure +accurately according now seeming to swim languidly, and anon her little +feet having their will of her, and fluttering in midair like a couple of +birds. She is an engaging creature, her ways are ways of pleasantness, +but whether all her paths are peace depends somewhat, it is reasonable +to conjecture, upon the circumspection of her daily walk and +conversation when relegated to the custody of her master's wives. + +In some parts of Persia the dancing of boys appareled as women is held +in high favor, but exactly what wholesome human sentiment it addresses I +am not prepared to say. + + + + +VIII + +IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE + + +From the rapid and imperfect review of certain characteristic oriental +dances in the chapters immediately preceding--or rather from the studies +some of whose minor results those chapters embody--I make deduction of a +few significant facts, to which facts of contrary significance seem +exceptional. In the first place, it is to be noted that in countries +where woman is conspicuously degraded the dance is correspondingly +depraved. By "the dance," I mean, of course, those characteristic and +typical performances which have permanent place in the social life of +the people. Amongst all nations the dance exists in certain loose and +unrecognized forms, which are the outgrowth of the moment--creatures of +caprice, posing and pranking their brief and inglorious season, to be +superseded by some newer favorite, born of some newer accident or fancy. +A fair type of these ephemeral dances--the comets of the saltatory +system--in so far as they can have a type, is the now familiar _Can-Can_ +of the Jardin Mabille--a dance the captivating naughtiness of which has +given it wide currency in our generation, the successors to whose aged +rakes and broken bawds it will fail to please and would probably make +unhappy. Dances of this character, neither national, universal, nor +enduring, have little value to the student of anything but anatomy and +lingerie. By study of a thousand, the product of as many years, it might +be possible to trace the thread upon which such beads are +strung--indeed, it is pretty obvious without research; but considered +singly they have nothing of profit to the investigator, who will do well +to contemplate without reflection or perform without question, as the +bent of his mind may be observant or experimental. + +Dancing, then, is indelicate where the women are depraved, and to this +it must be added that the women are depraved where the men are indolent. +We need not trouble ourselves to consider too curiously as to cause and +effect. Whether in countries where man is too lazy to be manly, woman +practices deferential adjustment of her virtues to the loose exactions +of his tolerance, or whether for ladies of indifferent modesty their +lords will not make exertion--these are questions for the ethnologer. It +concerns our purpose only to note that the male who sits cross-legged on +a rug and permits his female to do the dancing for both gets a quality +distinctly inferior to that enjoyed by his more energetic brother, +willing himself to take a leg at the game. Doubtless the lazy fellow +prefers the loose gamboling of nude girls to the decent grace and +moderation of a better art, but this, I submit, is an error of taste +resulting from imperfect instruction. + +And here we are confronted with the ever recurrent question. Is dancing +immoral? The reader who has done me the honor attentively to consider +the brief descriptions of certain dances, hereinbefore presented will, +it is believed, be now prepared to answer that some sorts of dancing +indubitably are--a bright and shining example of the type being the +exploit wherein women alone perform and men alone admire. But one of the +arguments by which it is sought to prove dancing immoral in +itself--namely that it provokes evil passions--we are now able to +analyze with the necessary discrimination, assigning to it its just +weight, and tracing its real bearing on the question. Dances like those +described (with, I hope a certain delicacy and reticence) are +undoubtedly disturbing to the spectator. They have in that circumstance +their _raison d'être_. As to that, then, there can be no two opinions. +But observe the male oriental voluptuary does not himself dance. Why? +Partly no doubt, because of his immortal indolence, but mainly, I +venture to think, because he wishes to enjoy his reprehensible emotion, +and this can not coexist with muscular activity If the reader--through +either immunity from improper emotion or unfamiliarity with muscular +activity--entertains a doubt of this, his family physician will be happy +to remove it. Nothing is more certain than that the dancing girls of +oriental countries themselves feel nothing of what they have the skill +to simulate, and the ballet dancer of our own stage is icily unconcerned +while kicking together the smouldering embers in the heart of the wigged +and corseted old beau below her, and playing the duse's delight with the +disobedient imagination of the he Prude posted in the nooks and shadows +thoughtfully provided for him. Stendahl frankly informs us, "I have had +much experience with the _danseuses_ of the ---- Theatre at Valence. I +am convinced that they are, for the most part, very chaste. It is +because their occupation is too fatiguing." + +The same author, by the way, says elsewhere + + I would wish if I were legislator that they should adopt in France + as in Germany the custom of _soirées dansantes_. Four times a month + the young girls go with their mothers to a ball beginning at seven + o'clock, ending at midnight and requiring for all expense, a violin + and some glasses of water. In an adjacent room, the mothers perhaps + a little jealous of the happy education of their daughters play at + cards, in a third the fathers find the newspapers and talk politics. + Between midnight and one o'clock all the family are reunited and + have regained the paternal roof. The young girls learn to know the + young men, the fatuity, and the indiscretion that follows it, become + quickly odious, in a word they learn how to choose a husband. Some + young girls have unfortunate love affairs, but the number of + deceived husbands and unhappy households (_mauvaises ménages_) + diminishes in immense proportion. + +For an iron education in cold virtue there is no school like the +position of sitting master to the wall flowers at a church sociable, but +it is humbly conjectured that even the austere morality of a bald headed +Prude might receive an added iciness if he would but attend one of these +simple dancing bouts disguised as a sweet young girl. + + + + +IX + +COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE + + +Nearly all the great writers of antiquity and of the medieval period who +have mentioned dancing at all have done so in terms of unmistakable +favor; of modern famous authors, they only have condemned it from whose +work, or from what is known of their personal character, we may justly +infer an equal aversion to pretty much everything in the way of pleasure +that a Christian needs not die in order to enjoy English literature--I +use the word in its noble sense, to exclude all manner of preaching, +whether clerical or lay--is full of the dance; the sound of merry makers +footing it featly to the music runs like an undertone through all the +variations of its theme and fills all its pauses. + +In the "Miller's Tale," Chaucer mentions dancing among the +accomplishments of the parish clerk, along with blood letting and the +drawing of legal documents: + + A merry child he was so God me save, + Wel coud he leten blood and clippe and shave, + And make a chartre of land, and a quitance, + In twenty maners could he trip and dance, + After the scole of Oxenforde tho + And with his legges casten to and fro[A] + + +[Footnote A: On this passage Tyrwhit makes the following judicious +comment: The school of Oxford seems to have been in much the same +estimation for its dancing as that of Stratford for its French--alluding +of course to what is, said in the Prologue of the French spoken by the +Prioress: + + And French she spoke full fayre and fetisly + After the scole of Stratford atte bowe + For French of Paris was to hire unknowe] + + +Milton, the greatest of the Puritans--intellectual ancestry of the +modern degenerate Prudes--had a wholesome love of the dance, and nowhere +is his pen so joyous as in its description in the well known passage +from "Comus" which, should it occur to my memory while delivering a +funeral oration, I am sure I could not forbear to quote, albeit this, +our present argument, is but little furthered by its context + + Meanwhile welcome joy and feast + Midnight shout and revelry + Tipsy dance and jollity + Braid your locks with rosy twine + Dropping odors dropping wine + Rigor now is gone to bed + And advice with scrupulous head + Strict age and sour severity + With their grave saws in slumber lie + We that are of purer fire + Imitate the starry quire + Who in their nightly watching spheres + Lead in swift round the months and years + The sounds and seas with all their finny drove + And on the tawny sands and shelves + Trip the pert fairies and the dapper elves + +If Milton was not himself a good dancer--and as to that point my memory +is unstored with instance or authority--it will at least be conceded +that he was an admirable reporter, with his heart in the business. +Somewhat to lessen the force of the objection that he puts the foregoing +lines into a not very respectable mouth, on a not altogether reputable +occasion, I append the following passage from the same poem, supposed to +be spoken by the good spirit who had brought a lady and her two brothers +through many perils, restoring them to their parents: + + Noble lord and lady bright + I have brought ye new delight + Here behold so goodly grown + Three fair branches of your own + Heaven hath timely tried their youth + Their faith their patience and their truth + And sent them here through hard assays + With a crown of deathless praise + To triumph in victorious dance + O'er sensual folly and intemperance + +The lines on dancing--lines which themselves dance--in "L'Allegro," are +too familiar, I dare not permit myself the enjoyment of quotation. + +Lord Herbert of Cherbury, one of the most finished gentlemen of his +time, otherwise laments in his autobiography that he had never learned +to dance because that accomplishment "doth fashion the body, and gives +one a good presence and address in all companies since it disposeth the +limbs to a kind of _souplesse_ (as the French call it) and agility +insomuch as they seem to have the use of their legs, arms, and bodies +more than many others who, standing stiff and stark in their postures, +seem as if they were taken in their joints, or had not the perfect use +of their members." Altogether, a very grave objection to dancing in the +opinion of those who discountenance it, and I take great credit for +candor in presenting his lordship's indictment. + +In the following pertinent passage from Lemontey I do not remember the +opinion he quotes from Locke, but his own is sufficiently to the point: + + The dance is for young women what the chase is for young men: a + protecting school of wisdom--a preservative of the growing passions. + The celebrated Locke who made virtue the sole end of education, + expressly recommends teaching children to dance as early as they are + able to learn. Dancing carries within itself an eminently cooling + quality and all over the world the tempests of the heart await to + break forth the repose of the limbs. + +In "The Traveller," Goldsmith says: + + Alike all ages dames of ancient days + Have led their children through the mirthful maze + And the gay grandsire skilled in gestic lore + Has frisked beneath the burden of three score. + +To the Prudes, in all soberness--Is it likely, considering the stubborn +conservatism of age, that these dames, well seasoned in the habit, will +leave it off directly, or the impenitent old grandsire abate one jot or +tittle of his friskiness in the near future? Is it a reasonable hope? Is +the outlook from the watch towers of Philistia an encouraging one? + + + + +X + +THEY ALL DANCE + + + Fountains dance down to the river, + Rivers to the ocean + Summer leaflets dance and quiver + To the breeze's motion + Nothing in the world is single-- + All things by a simple rule + Nods and steps and graces mingle + As at dancing school + + See the shadows on the mountain + Pirouette with one another + See the leaf upon the fountain + Dances with its leaflet brother + See the moonlight on the earth + Flecking forest gleam and glance! + What are all these dancings worth + If I may not dance? + + _--After Shelley_ + +Dance? Why not? The dance is natural, it is innocent, wholesome, +enjoyable. It has the sanction of religion, philosophy, science. It is +approved by the sacred writings of all ages and nations--of Judaism, +Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, of Zoroaster and Confucius. Not an altar, +from Jupiter to Jesus, around which the votaries have not danced with +religious zeal and indubitable profit to mind and body. Fire worshipers +of Persia and Peru danced about the visible sign and manifestation to +their deity. Dervishes dance in frenzy, and the Shakers jump up and come +down hard through excess of the Spirit. All the gods have danced with +all the goddesses--round dances, too. The lively divinities created by +the Greeks in their own image danced divinely, as became them. Old Thor +stormed and thundered down the icy halls of the Scandinavian mythology +to the music of runic rhymes, and the souls of slain heroes in Valhalla +take to their toes in celebration of their valorous deeds done in the +body upon the bodies of their enemies. Angels dance before the Great +White Throne to harps attuned by angel hands, and the Master of the +Revels--who arranges the music of the spheres--looks approvingly on. +Dancing is of divine institution. + +The elves and fairies "dance delicate measures" in the light of the moon +and stars. The troll dances his gruesome jig on lonely hills the gnome +executes his little pigeon wing in the obscure subterrene by the glimmer +of a diamond. Nature's untaught children dance in wood and glade, +stimulated of leg by the sunshine with which they are soaken top +full--the same quickening emanation that inspires the growing tree and +upheaves the hill. And, if I err not, there is sound Scripture for the +belief that these self same eminences have capacity to skip for joy. The +peasant dances--a trifle clumsily--at harvest feast when the grain is +garnered. The stars in heaven dance visibly, the firefly dances in +emulation of the stars. The sunshine dances on the waters. The humming +bird and the bee dance about the flowers which dance to the breeze. The +innocent lamb, type of the White Christ, dances on the green, and the +matronly cow perpetrates an occasional stiff enormity when she fancies +herself unobserved. All the sportive rollickings of all the animals, +from the agile fawn to the unwieldly behemoth are dances taught them by +nature. + +I am not here making an argument for dancing, I only assert its +goodness, confessing its abuse. We do not argue the wholesomeness of +sunshine and cold water, we assert it, admitting that sunstroke is +mischievous and that copious potations of freezing water will founder a +superheated horse, and urge the hot blood to the head of an imprudent +man similarly prepared, killing him, as is right. We do not build +syllogisms to prove that grains and fruits of the earth are of God's +best bounty to man; we allow that bad whisky may--with difficulty--be +distilled from rye to spoil the toper's nose, and that hydrocyanic acid +can be got out of the bloomy peach. It were folly to prove that Science +and Invention are our very good friends, yet the sapper who has had the +misfortune to be blown to rags by the mine he was preparing for his +enemy will not deny that gunpowder has aptitudes of mischief; and from +the point of view of a nigger ordered upon the safety-valve of a racing +steamboat, the vapor of water is a thing accurst. Shall we condemn music +because the lute makes "lascivious pleasing?" Or poetry because some +amorous bard tells in warm rhyme the story of the passions, and +Swinburne has had the goodness to make vice offensive with his hymns in +its praise? Or sculpture because from the guiltless marble may be +wrought a drunken Silenus or a lechering satyr?--painting because the +untamed fancies of a painter sometimes break tether and run riot on his +canvas? Because the orator may provoke the wild passions of the mob, +shall there be no more public speaking?--no further acting because the +actor may be pleased to saw the air, or the actress display her ultimate +inch of leg? Shall we upset the pulpit because poor dear Mr. Tilton had +a prettier wife than poor, dear Mr. Beecher? The bench had its Jeffrey, +yet it is necessary that we have the deliveries of judgment between +ourselves and the litigious. The medical profession has nursed poisoners +enough to have baned all the rats of christendom; but the resolute +patient must still have his prescription--if he die for it. Shall we +disband our armies because in the hand of an ambitious madman a +field-marshal's baton may brain a helpless State?--our navies because in +ships pirates have "sailed the seas over?" Let us not commit the +vulgarity of condemning the dance because of its possibilities of +perversion by the vicious and the profligate. Let us not utter us in hot +bosh and baking nonsense, but cleave to reason and the sweet sense of +things. + +Dancing never made a good girl bad, nor turned a wholesome young man to +evil ways. "Opportunity!" simpers the tedious virgin past the +wall-flower of her youth. "Opportunity!" cackles the _blasé_ beau who +has outlasted his legs and gone deaconing in a church. + +Opportunity, indeed! There is opportunity in church and school-room, in +social intercourse. There is opportunity in libraries, art-galleries, +picnics, street-cars, Bible-classes and at fairs and matinées. +Opportunity--rare, delicious opportunity, not innocently to be +ignored--in moonlight rambles by still streams. Opportunity, such as it +is, behind the old gentleman's turned back, and beneath the good +mother's spectacled nose. You shall sooner draw out leviathan with a +hook, or bind Arcturus and his sons, than baffle the upthrust of +Opportunity's many heads. Opportunity is a veritable Hydra, Argus and +Briareus rolled into one. He has a hundred heads to plan his poachings, +a hundred eyes to spy the land, a hundred hands to set his snares and +springes. In the country where young girls are habitually unattended in +the street; where the function of chaperon is commonly, and, it should +be added, intelligently performed by some capable young male; where the +young women receive evening calls from young men concerning whose +presence in the parlor mamma in the nursery and papa at the +"office"--poor, overworked papa!--give themselves precious little +trouble,--this prate of ball-room opportunity is singularly and +engagingly idiotic. The worthy people who hold such language may justly +boast themselves superior to reason and impregnable to light. The only +effective reply to these creatures would be a cuffing, the well meant +objections of another class merit the refutation of distinct +characterization. It is the old talk of devotees about sin, of topers +concerning water, temperance men of gin, and albeit it is neither wise +nor witty, it is becoming in us at whom they rail to deal mercifully +with them. In some otherwise estimable souls one of these harmless brain +cracks may be a right lovable trait of character. + +Issues of a social import as great as a raid against dancing have been +raised ere now. Will the coming man smoke? Will the coming man drink +wine? These tremendous and imperative problems only recently agitated +some of the "thoughtful minds" in our midst. By degrees they lost their +preeminence, they were seen to be in process of solution without social +cataclysm, they have, in a manner been referred for disposal to the +coming man himself, that is to say, they have been dropped, and are +to-day as dead as Julius Cæsar. The present hour has, in its turn, +produced its own awful problem: Will the coming woman waltz? + +As a question of mere fact the answer is patent: She will. Dancing will +be good for her; she will like it; so she is going to waltz. But the +question may rather be put--to borrow phraseology current among her +critics: Had she oughter?--from a moral point of view, now. From a moral +point, then, let us seek from analogy some light on the question of +what, from its actual, practical bearings, may be dignified by the name +Conundrum. + +Ought a man not to smoke?--from a moral point of view. The economical +view-point, the view-point of convenience, and all the rest of them, are +not now in question; the simple question is: Is it immoral to smoke? And +again--still from the moral point of view: Is it immoral to drink wine? +Is it immoral to play at cards?--to visit theaters? (In Boston you go to +some + + harmless "Museum," + Where folks who like plays may religiously see 'em.) + +Finally, then--and always from the same elevated view-point: Is it +immoral to waltz? + +The suggestions here started will not be further pursued in this place. +It is quite pertinent now to note that we do smoke because we like it; +and do drink wine because we like it; and do waltz because we like it, +and have the added consciousness that it is a duty. I am sorry for a +fellow-creature--male--who knows not the comfort of a cigar; sorry and +concerned for him who is innocent of the knowledge of good and evil that +lurk respectively in Chambertin and cheap "claret." Nor is my compassion +altogether free from a sense of superiority to the object of +it--superiority untainted, howbeit, by truculence. I perceive that life +has been bestowed upon him for purposes inscrutable to me, though dimly +hinting its own justification as a warning or awful example. So, too, of +the men and women--"beings erect, and walking upon two [uneducated] +legs"--whose unsophisticated toes have never, inspired by the rosy, +threaded the labyrinth of the mazy ere courting the kindly offices of +the balmy. It is only human to grieve for them, poor things! + +But if their throbbing bunions, encased in clumsy high-lows, be obtruded +to trip us in our dance, shall we not stamp on them? Yea, verily, while +we have a heel to crunch with and a leg to grind it home. + + + + +XI + +LUST, QUOTH'A! + + +You have danced? Ah, good. You have waltzed? Better. You have felt the +hot blood hound through your veins, as your beautiful partner, compliant +to the lightest pressure of your finger-tips, her breath responsive, +matched her every motion with yours? Best of all--for you have served in +the temple--you are of the priesthood of manhood. You cannot +misunderstand, you will not deliver false oracle. + +Do you remember your first waltz with the lovely woman whom you had +longed like a man but feared like a boy to touch--even so much as the +hem of her garment? Can you recall the time, place and circumstance? Has +not the very first bar of the music that whirled you away been singing +itself in your memory ever since? Do you recall the face you then looked +into, the eyes that seemed deeper than a mountain tarn, the figure that +you clasped, the beating of the heart, the warm breath that mingled with +your own? Can you faintly, as in a dream--_blasé_ old dancer that you +are--invoke a reminiscence of the delirium that stormed your soul, +expelling the dull demon in possession? Was it lust, as the Prudes +aver--the poor dear Prudes, with the feel of the cold wall familiar to +the leathery backs of them? + +It was the gratification--the decent, honorable, legal gratification--of +the passion for rhythm; the unconditional surrender to the supreme law +of periodicity, under conditions of exact observance by all external +things. The notes of the music repeat and supplement each other; the +lights burn with answering flame at sequent distances; the walls, the +windows, doors, mouldings, frescoes, iterate their lines, their levels, +and panels, interminable of combination and similarity; the inlaid floor +matches its angles, multiplies its figures, does over again at this +point what it did at that; the groups of dancers deploy in couples, +aggregate in groups, and again deploy, evoking endless resemblances. And +all this rhythm and recurrence, borne in upon the brain--itself +rhythmic--through intermittent senses, is converted into motion, and the +mind, yielding utterly to its environment, knows the happiness of faith, +the ecstasy of compliance, the rapture of congruity. And this the dull +dunces--the eyeless, earless, brainless and bloodless callosites of +cavil--are pleased to call lust! + + O ye, who teach the ingenuous youth of nations + The Boston Dip, the German and the Glide, + I pray you guard them upon all occasions + From contact of the palpitating side; + Requiring that their virtuous gyrations + Shall interpose a space a furlong wide + Between the partners, lest their thoughts grow lewd-- + So shall we satisfy the exacting Prude. + + --_Israfel Brown_. + + + + +XII + +OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS + + +It is depressing to realize how little most of us know of the dancing of +our ancestors. I would give value to behold the execution of a coranto +and inspect the steps of a cinque-pace, having assurance that the +performances assuming these names were veritably identical with their +memorable originals. We possess the means of verifying somewhat as to +the nature of the minuet; but after what fashion did our revered +grandfather do his rigadoon and his gavot? What manner of thing was that +pirouet in the deft execution of which he felt an honest exultation? And +what were the steps of his contra (or country) and Cossack dances? What +tune was that--"The Devil amongst the Fiddlers"--for which he clamored, +to inspire his feats of leg? + +In our fathers' time we read: + + I wore my blue coat and brass buttons, very high in the neck, short + in the waist and sleeves, nankeen trousers and white silk stockings, + and a white waistcoat. I performed all the steps accurately and with + great agility. + +Which, it appears, gained the attention of the company. And it well +might, for the year was 1830, and the mode of performing the cotillion +of the period was undergoing the metamorphosis of which the perfect +development has been familiar to ourselves. In its next stage the male +celebrant is represented to us as "hopping about with a face expressive +of intense solemnity, dancing as if a quadrille"--mark the newer +word--"were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to the +feelings." There is a smack of ancient history about this, too; it lurks +in the word "hopping." In the perfected development of this dance as +known to ourselves, no stress of caricature would describe the movement +as a hopping. But our grandfather not only hopped, he did more. He +sprang from the floor and quivered. In midair he crossed his feet twice +and even three times, before alighting. And our budding grandmother +beheld, and experienced flutterings of the bosom at his manly +achievements. Some memory of these feats survived in the performances of +the male ballet-dancers--a breed now happily extinct. A fine old +lady--she lives, aged eighty-two--showed me once the exercise of +"setting to your partner," performed in her youth; and truly it was +right marvelous. She literally bounced hither and thither, effecting a +twisting in and out of the feet, a patting and a flickering of the toes +incredibly intricate. For the celebration of these rites her partner +would array himself in morocco pumps with cunningly contrived buckles of +silver, silk stockings, salmon-colored silk breeches tied with abundance +of riband, exuberant frills, or "chitterlings," which puffed out at the +neck and bosom not unlike the wattles of a he-turkey; and under his +arms--as the fowl roasted might have carried its gizzard--our +grandfather pressed the flattened simulacrum of a cocked hat. At this +interval of time charity requires us to drop over the lady's own costume +a veil that, tried by our canons of propriety, it sadly needed. She was +young and thoughtless, the good grandmother; she was conscious of the +possession of charms and concealed them not. + +To the setting of these costumes, manners and practices, there was +imported from Germany a dance called Waltz, which as I conceive, was the +first of our "round" dances. It was welcomed by most persons who could +dance, and by some superior souls who could not. Among the latter, the +late Lord Byron--whose participation in the dance was barred by an +unhappy physical disability--addressed the new-comer in characteristic +verse. Some of the lines in this ingenious nobleman's apostrophe are not +altogether intelligible, when applied to any dance that we know by the +name of waltz. For example: + + Pleased round the chalky floor, how well they trip, + One hand[A] reposing on the royal hip, + The other to the shoulder no less royal + Ascending with affection truly loyal. + +[Footnote A: _I.e._ one of the lady's hands.] + +These lines imply an attitude unknown to contemporary waltzers, but the +description involves no poetic license. Our dear grandmothers (giddy, +giddy girls!) did their waltz that way. Let me quote: + + The lady takes the gentleman round the neck with one arm, resting + against his shoulder. During the motion, the dancers are continually + changing their relative situations: now the gentleman brings his arm + about the lady's neck, and the lady takes him round the waist. + +At another point, the lady may "lean gently on his shoulder," their arms +(as it appears) "entwining." This description is by an eyewitness, whose +observation is taken, not at the rather debauched court of the Prince +Regent, but at the simple republican assemblies of New York. The +observer is the gentle Irving, writing in 1807. Occasional noteworthy +experiences they must have had--those modest, blooming grandmothers--for, +it is to be borne in mind, tipsiness was rather usual with dancing +gentlemen in the fine old days of Port and Madeira; and the blithe, +white-armed grandmothers themselves did sip their punch, to a man. +However, we may forbear criticism. We, at least, owe nothing but +reverent gratitude to a generation from which we derive life, waltzing +and the memory of Madeira. Even when read, as it needs should be read, +in the light of that prose description of the dance to which it was +addressed, Lord Byron's welcome to the waltz will be recognized as one +more illustration of a set of hoary and moss-grown truths. + + As parlor-soldiers, graced with fancy-scars, + Rehearse their bravery in imagined wars; + As paupers, gathered in congenial flocks, + Babble of banks, insurances, and stocks; + As each if oft'nest eloquent of what + He hates or covets, but possesses not; + As cowards talk of pluck; misers of waste; + Scoundrels of honor; country clowns of taste; + Ladies of logic; devotees of sin; + Topers of water; temperance men of gin-- + +my lord Byron sang of waltzing. Let us forgive and--remembering his poor +foot--pity him. Yet the opinions of famous persons possess an interest +that is akin, in the minds of many plain folk, to weight. Let us, then, +incline an ear to another: "Laura was fond of waltzing, as every brisk +and innocent young girl should be," wrote he than who none has written +more nobly in our time--he who "could appreciate good women and describe +them; and draw them more truly than any novelist in the language, except +Miss Austen." The same sentiment with reference to dancing appears in +many places in his immortal pages. In his younger days as _attaché_ of +legation in Germany, Mr. Thackeray became a practiced waltzer. As a +censor he thus possesses over Lord Byron whatever advantage may accrue +from knowledge of the subject whereof he wrote. + +We are happily not called upon to institute a comparison of character +between the two distinguished moralists, though the same, drawn +masterly, might not be devoid of entertainment and instruction. But two +or three other points of distinction should be kept in mind as having +sensible relation to the question of competency to bear witness. Byron +wrote of the women of a corrupted court; Thackeray of the women of that +society indicated by the phrase "Persons whom one meets"--and meets +_now_. Byron wrote of an obsolete dance, described by Irving in terms of +decided strength; Thackeray wrote of our own waltz. In turning off his +brilliant and witty verses it is unlikely that any care as to their +truthfulness disturbed the glassy copiousness of the Byronic utterance; +this child of nature did never consider too curiously of justice, +moderation and such inventions of the schools. The key-note of all the +other wrote is given by his faithful pen when it avers that it never +"signed the page that registered a lie." Byron was a "gentleman of wit +and pleasure about town"; Thackeray the father of daughters. However, +all this is perhaps little to the purpose. We owe no trifling debt to +Lord Byron for his sparkling and spirited lines, and by no good dancer +would they be "willingly let die." Poetry, music, dancing--they are one +art. The muses are sisters, yet they do not quarrel. Of a truth, even as +was Laura, so every brisk and innocent young girl should be. And it is +safe to predict that she will be. If she would enjoy the advantage of +belonging to Our Set she must be. + +As a rule, the ideas of the folk who cherish a prejudice against dancing +are crude rather than unclean--the outcome much more of ignorance than +salacity. Of course there are exceptions. In my great work on The Prude +all will be attended to with due discrimination in apportionment of +censure. At present the spirit of the dance makes merry with my pen, for +from yonder "stately pleasure-dome" (decreed by one Kubla Khan, formerly +of The Big Bonanza Mining Company) the strains of the _Blue Danube_ +float out upon the night. Avaunt, miscreants! lest we chase ye with +flying feet and do our little dance upon your unwholesome carcasses. +Already the toes of our partners begin to twiddle beneath their +petticoats. Come, then, Stoopid--can't you move? No!--they change it to +a galop--and eke the good old Sturm. Firm and steady, now, fair partner +mine, whiles we run that _gobemouche_ down and trample him miserably. +There: light and softly again--the servants will remove the remains. + +And hark! that witching strain once more: + +[Illustration: Music tablature] + + + + +EPIGRAMS + + + + +If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the +country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike +hypocrites of Canada. + + +To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, +and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of +interrogation. + + +"Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb. + + +In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be +construed as indifference. + + * * * * * + +True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman. + + +Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it. + + +Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and the needle +forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and never intermits. Since +it has been found that the axis of the earth wabbles, stupidity is +indispensable as a standard of constancy. + + +In order that the list of able women may be memorized for use at +meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately made it brief. + + +Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours. + + + A little heap of dust, + A little streak of rust, + A stone without a name-- + Lo! hero, sword and fame. + + +Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman's lack of +temptation and man's lack of opportunity. + + +"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the philosopher. "May you +live forever!" + + +The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by setting it in +brass is writing "dialect" for publication. + + +"Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?" + +"I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude." + +"Then thou dost not deserve to find her." + +"True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. But who art +thou, to be so wise?" + +"I am Gratitude--farewell forever." + + +There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed +himself; whereas he is a fool then only. + + +The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the kingdoms that +he set up have disappeared. But all the armies and statecraft of Europe +cannot unsay what you have said. + + + Strive not for singularity in dress; + Fools have the more and men of sense the less. + To look original is not worth while, + But be in mind a little out of style. + + +A conqueror arose from the dead. "Yesterday," he said, "I ruled half the +world." "Please show me the half that you ruled," said an angel, +pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor floating in space. "That is the +world." + + +"Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?" + +"My name is Avarice. What is thine?" + +"Unselfishness." + +"Where is thy clothing, placid one?" + +"Thou art wearing it." + + +To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To +laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand. + + +If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much +greater than they. + + +To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he has--such is +the hope of him who seeks the admiration of posterity. The character of +his work does not matter; he is a humorist. + + +Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact. + + +To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, cultivate a +generous disposition. + + +Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that +you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast. + + +When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for assent the safest +way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the unreasoning brutes, and +believe both. + + +Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently +presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it +a numerical presumption. + + +A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you +dance, but you can't let go. + + +Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. Merit stepped +off into the mud and went round him, bowing his apologies, which Success +had the grace to accept. + + + "I think," says the philosopher divine, + "Therefore I am." Sir, here's a surer sign: + We know we live, for with our every breath + We feel the fear and imminence of death. + + +The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask him and he +will prove it. + + +He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will always have +his choice, for no injustice can be done to him. + + +There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness hereafter as there +are minds that have marred their happiness here. + + +We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we were +immortal we should not crave immortality. + + +A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the +rabbit. + + +Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold his tongue, +ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen. + + +The most charming view in the world is obtained by introspection. + + +Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly and the +player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one incomparable +advantage: he is not the stake. + + +It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the jungle, for +commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the open. + + +We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our judgment +need not, therefore, go to confession. + + +Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the other in +marriage. + + +If you give alms from compassion, why require the beneficiary to be "a +deserving object"? No other adversity is so sharp as destitution of +merit. + + +Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a particular +privation. + + + O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain + To get by giving what you lost by gain. + With every gift you do but swell the cloud + Of witnesses against you, swift and loud-- + Accomplices who turn and swear you split + Your life: half robber and half hypocrite. + You're least unsafe when most intact you hold + Your curst allotment of dishonest gold. + + +The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of the success of +another. + + + If Inclination challenge, stand and fight-- + From Opportunity the wise take flight. + + +What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man +most admires in a woman is devotion to himself. + + +Those who most loudly invite God's attention to themselves when in peril +of death are those who should most fervently wish to escape his +observation. + + +When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair +to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours. + + +How fascinating is Antiquity!--in what a golden haze the ancients lived +their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our enchanting time Posterity's +great poets will sing immortal songs, and its archæologists will +reverently uncover the foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime +we swap jack-knives. + + +Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a cent puts +aside the temptation to manipulate the market or acquire a monopoly. + + +For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a needless +expense. + + + "There's no free will," says the philosopher; + "To hang is most unjust." + "There is no free will," assents the officer; + "We hang because we must." + + +Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is why we know +so much about the Hereafter and so little about the Heretofore. + + +Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we should accept the +act of cackling geese in saving Rome as partial reparation. + + +There are two classes of women who may do as they please; those who are +rich and those who are poor. The former can count on assent, the latter +on inattention. + + +When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as the guest of +Love she turns her host out of doors. + + +Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is known as the +Future; Age knows her as the Dream. + + +"Who art thou, there in the mire?" + +"Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in fear on the +brink of the bog." + +"A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, sometimes known +as Dry-foot." + + +In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is uprooted or +rooted up. The difference is in the reformer. + + +The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the sexes: no man +is so base but some woman is base enough to love him. + + +Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on the verge of +the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the notable feat of turning +about knows himself the central figure in the universe. + + +Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it. + + +If women did the writing of the world, instead of the talking, men would +be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, grace and goodness. + + +Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss your +companion and say farewell. + + +Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience prate of the +value of life. + + +The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. +It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or +possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another. + + +The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake +the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature. + + +Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into the head there +is no dissension; only an eviction. + + +If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it. + + +"Where goest thou, Ignorance?" + +"To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril." + +"I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge." + +"Scoundrel! Thou art the peril." + + +A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her thoughts +and virtuously flies from the temptation of her desires. + + +The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who if you were +hungry would take you by the café. + + +When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a diplomatic +intimation; when ready, a diplomat. + + +If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it would in +the long run be half the time right. + + +The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the +business known as gambling. + + +A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is faithful to that +which is neither pleased nor profited by her fidelity. + + +Of one who was "foolish" the creators of our language said that he was +"fond." That we have not definitely reversed the meanings of the words +should be set down to the credit of our courtesy. + + +Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer in the +wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to denounce a +successful mob. + + + Artistically set to grace + The wall of a dissecting-place, + A human pericardium + Was fastened with a bit of gum, + While, simply underrunning it, + The one word, "Charity," was writ + To show the student band that hovered + About it what it once had covered. + + +Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good reputation is +helpful to virtue. + + +When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or +doctrine go upward. + + +We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled +to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect. + + +Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra's nose would +have changed the fortunes of the world. But having said this, he has +said nothing, for all the forces of nature and all the power of +dynasties could not have added an inch to the length of Cleopatra's +nose. + + +Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman is the only +necessary having the boldness and address to compel recognition as a +luxury. + + +"I am the seat of the affections," said the heart. + +"Thank you," said the judgment, "you save my face." + +"Who art thou that weepest?" + +"Man." + +"Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. Study me and +learn that nothing matters." + +"Then how does it matter that I weep?" + + +A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it implies +something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of our importance; +whereas an injury presupposes some degree of consideration. "The +black-guards!" said a traveler whom Sicilian brigands had released +without ransom; "did they think me a person of no consequence?" + + +The people's plaudits are unheard in hell. + + +Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no chances. + + +If there was a world before this we must all have died impenitent. + + +We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, the clever, a +good one. + + +If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being one this +would be a world of wrath. + + +Force and charm are important elements of character, but it counts for +little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a lion. + + + Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool: + Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool? + + +A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites +them to think something else. + + +Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him with long ears +and a tail. Man's conception is higher and truer: he thinks of him as +somewhat resembling a man. + + +Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling. + + +The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own distorted image +and seeks to propitiate it. + + +Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in the land, +but do not hope that the life insurance companies will offer thee +special rates. + + +Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be Darwin's theory of +the descent of Man from the Ape may find comfort in the hope of his +return. + + +A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you shall not so +readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher as a philosopher that +you are a fool. + + +A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of the art +accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination. + + +When publicly censured our first instinct is to make everybody a +codefendant. + + + O lady fine, fear not to lead + To Hymen's shrine a clown: + Love cannot level up, indeed, + But he can level down. + + +Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. It is a +faithful man who is willing to be watched by a half-dozen wives. + + +The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen. + +"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose +Innocence?" + +"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that +she is a virtue." + + +It is a wise "man's man" who knows what it is that he despises in a +"ladies' man." + + +If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would boast of the +adoration they inspire. + + +The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of +conformity. + + +Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their +way to the dumps. + + +A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the superiority of her +sex. + +"At last," she said, "I shall have rest and honors." + +"Enter," said Saint Peter; "thou shalt wash the faces of the dear little +cherubim." + + +To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest unless she can +make a particular application of it. And we say that women are not +practical! + + +The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the learned know +the shallowness of their learning. + + +He who relates his success in charming woman's heart may be assured of +his failure to charm man's ear. + + + What poignant memories the shadows bring; + What songs of triumph in the dawning ring! + By night a coward and by day a king. + + +When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine +own is open at thy feet. + + +As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type and +standard, so the critic's theories are imposed by his own limitations. + + +"Heaven lies about us in our infancy," and our neighbors take up the +tale as we mature. + + + "My laws," she said, "are of myself a part: + I read them by examining my heart." + "True," he replied; "like those to Moses known, + Thine also are engraven upon stone." + + +Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one's self one +turns to consider one's dream. + + +"Halt!--who goes there?" + +"Death." + +"Advance, Death, and give the countersign." + +"How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou shalt enter +mine." + +"What! I a deserter?" + +"Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies of mankind." + +"Who are they?" + +"Life and the Fear of Death." + + +The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they +signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most +loves to close upon. + + + Ah, woe is his, with length of living cursed, + Who, nearing second childhood, had no first. + Behind, no glimmer, and before no ray-- + A night at either end of his dark day. + + +A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible with a +spirited zeal in defamation of women. + + +The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for +love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money. + + +He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for disparagement of +genius is like one who should plead robbery in excuse of theft. + + +The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that which finds +expression in pretended remorse for impossible gallantries. + + +Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is true. For that +which is both new and true we must go duly accredited to the gods and +await their pleasure. + + +The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of Reason must +be submitted even the claims of Faith. + + +"Whither goest thou?" said the angel. + +"I know not." + +"And whence hast thou come?" + +"I know not." + +"But who art thou?" + +"I know not." + +"Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on to the +place whence thou hast come." + + +If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they are the most +harmonious brothers that ever were seen. + + +Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a rascal is one +who knows not how to think. + + + Do you to others as you would + That others do to you; + But see that you no service good + Would have from others that they could + Not rightly do. + + +Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: balky horses +may best be made to go by having their ears bitten. + + +Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and exacted a +certain gratitude for the distinction of his preference. + + +A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a +dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the +lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right +or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other +links. + + +He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a +natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, +unlike those of the wise, harden with age. + + +These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having learned; to +draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of +things. + + +Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love seem the +first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved once. + + +Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons +of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural +implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil. + + +To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When the young die +and the old live, nature's machinery is working with the friction that +we name grief. + + +Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women. + + +Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If Man knew +his insignificance in the scheme of things he would not think it worth +while to rise from barbarity to enlightenment. But it is only through +enlightenment that he can know. + + +Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by +tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your +arrival is already recorded. + + +The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It +will probably rain"--that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"--that is +natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists +because so great is his humility that he does not think it important +that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no +artifice to make us forget him. + + + On fair foundations Theocrats unwise + Rear superstructures that offend the skies. + "Behold," they cry, "this pile so fair and tall! + Come dwell within it and be happy all." + But they alone inhabit it, and find, + Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the mind. + + +If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit thou art an anarchist, and if +thou take not his word thou shalt take nothing that he hath. Make haste, +therefore, to be civil to thy betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is +the foundation of the state. + + +Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate. + + +When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register. + + +When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam and accused +him of infidelity. + + +"Why dost thou weep?" + +"For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall +never again see her!" + +"Thy wife will never again see thee, yet +she does not weep." + + +What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, etiquette is +to civility. + + +"Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe's raggedness +seemest to enjoy thyself?" + +"Naught else is enjoyable--I am Contentment." + +"Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in my fine +attire." + +"I have no shirt. Pass on, Success." + + +Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, even +beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To affect a spurious +ignorance is to disclose a genuine. + + +Because you will not take by theft what you can have by cheating, think +not yours is the only conscience in the world. Even he who permits you +to cheat his neighbor will shrink from permitting you to cheat himself. + + +"God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?" + +"Wisdom. And thine?" + +"Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?" + +"This is an intersection of our paths." + +"Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same road?" + +"We were well named if we knew." + + +Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind +of infidelity. + + +Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes +dishonest. + + +The philosopher's profoundest conviction is that which he is most +reluctant to express, lest he mislead. + + +When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may choose a +person who is willing. + + +The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself. + + +In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposed a +tax on fools. + +"The right honorable and generous gentleman," said a member, "forgets +that we already have it in the poll tax." + +"Whose dead body is that?" + +"Credulity's." + +"By whom was he slain?" + +"Credulity." + +"Ah, suicide." + +"No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and swallowed all that +was set before him." + + +Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat. + + +Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is no proof of +poverty. + + +Courage is the acceptance of the gambler's chance: a brave man bets +against the game of the gods. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"A philanthropist. And thou?" + +"A pauper." + +"Away! you have nothing to relieve my need." + + +Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, for nothing is +before. + + + Think not, O man, the world has any need + That thou canst truly serve by word or deed. + Serve thou thy better self, nor care to know + How God makes righteousness and roses grow. + + +In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: by the use of +an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion can be made to seem a +religious ecstasy. + + +The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his +self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery. + + +One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the understanding. + + + +If the righteous thought death what they think they think it they would +search less diligently for divine ordinances against suicide. + + + Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail: + Injustice can the just alone assail. + Deny compassion to the wretch who swerved, + Till all who, fainting, walked aright are served. + + +The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is trimmed with +feathers of the white blackbird. + + +All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a +philosopher. + + +Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then +sets up as a fountain. + + +The present is the frontier between the desert of the past and the +garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment. + + +The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention than it is +worth. + + +At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater at death +than at the noon of life. + + +Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce the errors +of youth for those of age. + + +From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, a season. +Age comes in a night and is incredible. + + +Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with "How are +you?" and he replies: "On the contrary, how are _you_?" pass on. + + +If all thought were audible none would be deemed discreditable. We know, +indeed, that bad thoughts are universal, but that is not the same thing +as catching them at being so. + + +"All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you blundered +into it," said Satan, ejecting Hope. "You make trouble wherever you go." + + +Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is present to +answer them. + + +The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. When an +angel wakes one of us dies. + + + The man of "honor" pays his bet + By saving on his lawful debt. + When he to Nature pays his dust + (Not for he would, but for he must) + Men say, "He settled that, 'tis true, + But, faith, it long was overdue." + + +Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first +step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. + + +If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true relation to +the universe. + + +Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his position on +the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning and knows not whither +he is bound. + + +Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting it. + + +As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to the trick +of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy. + + +When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in +adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had. + + +When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why +He then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. + + +She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a crow. He hated +her because she unlocked the cage of his beast. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"Friendship." + +"I am Love; let us travel together." + +"Yes--for a day's journey; then thou arrivest at thy grave." + +"And thou?" + +"I go as far as the grave of Advantage." + + +Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes and spires of +the City of Contentment. + + +You would say of that old man: "He is bald and bent." No; in the +presence of Death he uncovers and bows. + + +If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. Yet every year +has its winter. + + +You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the impossibility of +putting the stones in place. + + +Men were singing the praises of Justice. + +"Not so loud," said an angel; "if you wake her she will put you all to +death." + + +Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the +bogs through which he has floundered. + + +Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we +perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would +abolish evil! + + +One whose falsehoods no longer deceive has forfeited the right to speak +truth. + + +Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is known. + + +To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he who is +persuaded of his incredulity. + + +In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a virtue. + + +That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for not serving +God. + + +A fool's tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his ear commanding +them to silence. + + +If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of love, it +would be sparsely inhabited. + + +To the eye of failure success is an accident with a presumption of +crime. + + +Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his own feet, and +calls it Progress. + + +You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of wayside +roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the route. + + +The world was made a sphere in order that men should not push one +another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks of the sea. + + + Let not the night on thy resentment fall: + Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at all. + The lion ceases if his first leap fail-- + 'Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail. + + +Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made another. + +"Give us that also," said His children. + +"Nay," He replied, "if I give you that you will slay one another till +none is left. You shall have only its name, which is Justice." + +"That is a good name," they said; "we will give it to a virtue of our +own creation." + +So they gave it to Revenge. + + + The sea-bird speeding from the realm of night + Dashes to death against the beacon-light. + Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul, + The ministry of light is guide, not goal. + + +While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your +past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor +guide. + + +"O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?" + +"To spare me thine impetuous embrace." + + +He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent silence, but he +who only believes himself great has embraced a noisy faith. + + +Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or two, and go +our several ways back into the darkness. The mystery is infinitely +pathetic and picturesque. + + +Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills are a-smirk +with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, austere and desolate, +holding a prophecy of doom. + + +It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are not as +other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as to the nature +of the difference. + + +In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward stop until +it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy destination. + + + Seek not for happiness--'tis known + To hope and memory alone; + At dawn--how bright the noon will be! + At eve--how fair it glowed, ah, me! + + +Brain was given to test the heart's credibility as a witness, yet the +philosopher's lady is almost as fine as the clown's wench. + + +"Who art thou, so sorrowful?" + +"Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of +Benevolence." + +"Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence." + +"Wretch! thou art my father and my mother." + + +Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for ourselves nor +resent in others. + + +To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and classify we give +the name Knowledge. + + +"I wish to enter," said the soul of the voluptuary. + +"I am told that all the beautiful women are here." + +"Enter," said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed in. + +"They make the place what it is," added Satan, as the gates clanged. + + +Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without +falling into her hands. + + +Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make restitution to +the accuser. + + +Study good women and ignore the rest, +or he best knows the sex who knows the best. + + +Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. +You may live. + + +Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies +an assumption of superior wisdom. + + +"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at the Gate. + +"I am known as Memory." + +"What presumption!--go back to Hell. And who, perspiring friend, art +thou?" + +"_My_ name is Satan. I am looking for----" + +"Take your penal apparatus and be off." + +And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: "Come along, you scoundrel! you +make happiness wherever you are not." + + +Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In +transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the +original earth clinging to the roots. + + +The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of Remorse. + + +Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, Youth. + + + There are but ten Commandments, true, + But that's no hardship, friend, to you; + The sins whereof no line is writ + You're not commanded to commit. + + +Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited superstition--it is at +night, mostly, that the king thinks. + + +"Who art thou?" said Mercy. + +"Revenge, the father of Justice." + +"Thou wearest thy son's clothing." + +"One must be clad." + +"Farewell--I go to attend thy son." + +"Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle." + + +Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego. + + +Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an owner. + + +You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing +forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are +avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. + + +A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine-bottle. + + +He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on without them. + + +"Who am I?" asked an awakened soul. + +"That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here," answered a +smiling angel; "this is Heaven." + + +Woman's courage is ignorance of danger; man's is hope of escape. + + + When God had finished this terrestrial frame + And all things else, with or without a name, + The Nothing that remained within His hand + Said: "Make me into something fine and grand, + Thine angels to amuse and entertain." + God heard and made it into human brain. + + +If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for already +Nature's knife is at his throat and yours. + + +To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; beware upon whom +you inflict it. + + + Bear me, good oceans, to some isle + Where I may never fear + The snake alurk in woman's smile, + The tiger in her tear. + Yet bear not with me her, O deeps, + Who never smiles and never weeps. + + +Life and Death threw dice for a child. + +"I win!" cried Life. + +"True," said Death, "but you need a nimbler tongue to proclaim your +luck. The stake is already dead of age." + + + How blind is he who, powerless to discern + The glories that about his pathway burn, + Walks unaware the avenues of Dream, + Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam! + O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned + Thy light lies ever upon sea and land. + From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at will, + And sees a Grecian god on every hill! + + +In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, and in age +beseech. + + + A violet softly sighed, + A hollyhock shouted above. + In the heart of the violet, pride; + In the heart of the hollyhock, love. + + +If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them would +flatter them less and content them more. + + +The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve slipped back +into the Garden. "Thank Heaven! I am again in Paradise," said Adam. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, +Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF *** + +***** This file should be named 15599-8.txt or 15599-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/9/15599/ + +Produced by Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/15599-8.zip b/old/15599-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b07d8e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/15599-8.zip diff --git a/old/15599.txt b/old/15599.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..42af2e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/15599.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8312 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, +Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8 + Epigrams, On With the Dance, Negligible Tales + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: April 11, 2005 [EBook #15599] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF *** + + + + +Produced by Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Title Page] + + + * * * * * + + + THE COLLECTED + + WORKS OF + + AMBROSE BIERCE + + + + VOLUME VIII + + + + NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + ON WITH THE DANCE + + EPIGRAMS + + + + NEW YORK + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + 1966 + + + * * * * * + + + Originally Published 1911 + + Reprinted 1966 + + + + Published by + + GORDIAN PRESS, INC. + + + +Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638 + + + + Printed in the U.S.A. by + + EDWARD BROTHERS INC. + + Ann Arbor, Michigan + + + * * * * * + + +CONTENTS + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE 9 + JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL 23 + THE WIDOWER TURMORE 41 + THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY 52 + THE MAJOR'S TALE 63 + CURRIED COW 76 + A REVOLT OF THE GODS 89 + THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO 95 + THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER 104 + THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL 110 + PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE 115 + A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION 122 + MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP 131 + THE LITTLE STORY 138 + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + MY FAVORITE MURDER 147 + OIL OF DOG 163 + AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION 171 + THE HYPNOTIST 177 + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST 187 + WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" 195 + CORRUPTING THE PRESS 204 + "THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" 211 + +THE OCEAN WAVE + A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION 219 + THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" 226 + THE MAN OVERBOARD 239 + A CARGO OF CAT 258 + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE 267 + THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD 270 + THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT 276 + A REEF IN THE GABARDINE 282 + ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING 285 + CAIRO REVISITED 296 + JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS 299 + IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE 311 + COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE 316 + THEY ALL DANCE 321 + LUST, QUOTH'A 330 + OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS 332 + +EPIGRAMS 343 + + + + +NEGLIGIBLE TALES + + + + + +A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE + + +My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a patent for an +invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; but he was an honest +man and would not himself engage in the manufacture. He was, therefore, +only moderately wealthy, his royalties from his really valuable +invention bringing him hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation +with rogues guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed +by the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had it not +been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all my brothers and +sisters and personally supervised my education, should have grown up in +ignorance and been compelled to teach school. To be the favorite child +of a good woman is better than gold. + +When I was nineteen years of age my father had the misfortune to die. He +had always had perfect health, and his death, which occurred at the +dinner table without a moment's warning, surprised no one more than +himself. He had that very morning been notified that a patent had been +granted him for a device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure, +without noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most +ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that had ever +been submitted to him, and my father had naturally looked forward to an +old age of prosperity and honor. His sudden death was, therefore, a deep +disappointment to him; but my mother, whose piety and resignation to the +will of Heaven were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently +less affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body had +been removed from the floor, she called us all into an adjoining room +and addressed us as follows: + +"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just witnessed is +one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good man's life, and one in +which I take little pleasure, I assure you. I beg you to believe that I +had no hand in bringing it about. Of course," she added, after a pause, +during which her eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is +better that he is dead." + +She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness as a +self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to brave her surprise +by asking an explanation. My mother's air of surprise when any of us +went wrong in any way was very terrible to us. One day, when in a fit of +peevish temper, I had taken the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her +simple words, "John, you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof +that after a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself +at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising you." So now +we all--including the one-eared baby--felt that it would keep matters +smoother to accept without question the statement that it was better, +somehow, for our dear father to be dead. My mother continued: + +"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and mysterious +death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut the body into pieces +and submit them to a number of men who, having inspected them, pronounce +the person dead. For this the Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish +to avoid that painful formality in this instance; it is one which never +had the approval of--of the remains. John"--here my mother turned her +angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very discreet. You have +now an opportunity to show your gratitude for all the sacrifices that +your education has entailed upon the rest of us. John, go and remove the +Coroner." + +Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's confidence, and by +the chance to distinguish myself by an act that squared with my natural +disposition, I knelt before her, carried her hand to my lips and bathed +it with tears of sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had +removed the Coroner. + +I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I passed a most +uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep because of the profanity of +my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, whose theological training had given +them a fertility of impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language +altogether unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who, +sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, entered the +cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend gentlemen that if he +heard any more swearing their sacred calling would not prevent him from +turning them into the street. After that they moderated their +objectionable conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the +peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence. + +The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, sitting as a +committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary examination. I +pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I had murdered was a +notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a Republican, and from early +childhood I had been carefully instructed by her in the principles of +honest government and the necessity of suppressing factional +opposition.) The Judge, elected by a Republican ballot-box with a +sliding bottom, was visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and +offered me a cigarette. + +"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I do not deem +it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. Under the law of the +land you sit here as a committing magistrate. It is therefore your duty +to commit. Testimony and argument alike would imply a doubt that your +Honor means to perform your sworn duty. That is my case." + +My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and said: "May it +please the Court, my learned friend on the other side has so well and +eloquently stated the law governing in this case that it only remains +for me to inquire to what extent it has been already complied with. It +is true, your Honor is a committing magistrate, and as such it is your +duty to commit--what? That is a matter which the law has wisely and +justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have discharged +already every obligation that the law imposes. Since I have known your +Honor you have done nothing but commit. You have committed embracery, +theft, arson, perjury, adultery, murder--every crime in the calendar and +every excess known to the sensual and depraved, including my learned +friend, the District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a +committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this worthy +young man, my client, I move that he be discharged." + +An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the black cap and +in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to life and liberty. Then +turning to my counsel he said, coldly but significantly: + +"I will see you later." + +The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously defended me +against a charge of murdering his own brother--with whom he had a +quarrel about some land--had disappeared and his fate is to this day +unknown. + +In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly buried at +midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with his late boots on +and the contents of his late stomach unanalyzed. "He was opposed to +display," said my dear mother, as she finished tamping down the earth +above him and assisted the children to litter the place with straw; "his +instincts were all domestic and he loved a quiet life." + +My mother's application for letters of administration stated that she +had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, for he had not +come home to his meals for several days; but the Judge of the Crowbait +Court--as she ever afterward contemptuously called it--decided that the +proof of death was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of +the Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that the +liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was left only the +patent for the device for bursting open safes without noise, by +hydraulic pressure and this had passed into the ownership of the Probate +Judge and the Public Administrator--as my dear mother preferred to +spell it. Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable +family was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to +go to work. + +In the selection of occupations we were governed by a variety of +considerations, such as personal fitness, inclination, and so forth. My +mother opened a select private school for instruction in the art of +changing the spots upon leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George +Henry, who had a turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum +for deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor +Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral springs, and I +set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams for gibbets. The other +children, too young for labor, continued to steal small articles exposed +in front of shops, as they had been taught. + +In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our house and +buried the bodies in a cellar. + +In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and provisions. From +the rapidity of their disappearance we acquired the superstitious belief +that the spirits of the persons buried there came at dead of night and +held a festival. It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we +would discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such debris, +littering the place, although it had been securely locked and barred +against human intrusion. It was proposed to remove the provisions and +store them elsewhere, but our dear mother, always generous and +hospitable, said it was better to endure the loss than risk exposure: if +the ghosts were denied this trifling gratification they might set on +foot an investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division +of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into the single +industry pursued by me--we might all decorate the cross-beams of +gibbets. We accepted her decision with filial submission, due to our +reverence for her wordly wisdom and the purity of her character. + +One night while we were all in the cellar--none dared to enter it +alone--engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of an adjoining town the +solemn offices of Christian burial, my mother and the younger children, +holding a candle each, while George Henry and I labored with a spade and +pick, my sister Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with +her hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's obsequies +were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and in trembling tones +we begged her to say what had alarmed her. The younger children were so +agitated that they held their candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows +of our figures danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls +and flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of the +dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now extinguished by +some floating shadow, appeared at each emergence to have taken on a new +and more forbidding expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more +than ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about the +place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of some distant +corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green light, matching the +faint phosphorescence of decay that filled the half-dug grave and seemed +the visible manifestation of that faint odor of mortality which tainted +the unwholesome air. The children now sobbed and clung about the limbs +of their elders, dropping their candles, and we were near being left in +total darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled +upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the grave +like a fountain. + +Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been thrown out of +the excavation, had removed her hands from her face and was staring with +expanded eyes into an obscure space between two wine casks. + +"There it is!--there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; "God in heaven! +can't you see it?" + +And there indeed it was!--a human figure, dimly discernible in the +gloom--a figure that wavered from side to side as if about to fall, +clutching at the wine-casks for support, had stepped unsteadily forward +and for one moment stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles; +then it surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we +had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our father--dead +these ten months and buried by our own hands!--our father indubitably +risen and ghastly drunk! + +On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that horrible place--on +the extinction of all human sentiment in that tumultuous, mad scramble +up the damp and mouldy stairs--slipping, falling, pulling one another +down and clambering over one another's back--the lights extinguished, +babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong brothers and hurled +backward to death by a mother's arm!--on all this I do not dare to +dwell. My mother, my eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others +remained below, to perish of their wounds, or of their terror--some, +perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we four, hastily gathering +together what money and jewels we had and what clothing we could carry, +fired the dwelling and fled by its light into the hills. We did not even +pause to collect the insurance, and my dear mother said on her +death-bed, years afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin +of omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy man, +assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would pardon the +neglect. + +About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my childhood I, +then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to the spot with a view +to obtaining, if possible, some treasure belonging to us, which had been +buried in the cellar. I may say that I was unsuccessful: the discovery +of many human bones in the ruins had set the authorities digging for +more. They had found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The +house had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a desolation. +So many unearthly sights and sounds had been reported thereabout that +nobody would live there. As there was none to question nor molest, I +resolved to gratify my filial piety by gazing once more upon the face of +my beloved father, if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still +in his grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous +diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since his death, +I had reason to think he might have been buried in it. Procuring a +spade, I soon located the grave in what had been the backyard and began +digging. When I had got down about four feet the whole bottom fell out +of the grave and I was precipitated into a large drain, falling through +a long hole in its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of +one. + +Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the drain, and +having with some difficulty removed a mass of charred rubbish and +blackened masonry that choked it, emerged into what had been that +fateful cellar. + +All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be "taken bad" at +his meal (and I think my sainted mother could have thrown some light +upon that matter) had indubitably been buried alive. The grave having +been accidentally dug above the forgotten drain, and down almost to the +crown of its arch, and no coffin having been used, his struggles on +reviving had broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through, +escaping finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his +own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean seclusion, +a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our providence. It was he who +had eaten our food; it was he who had drunk our wine--he was no better +than a thief! In a moment of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that +need of companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a +drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment at a +strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable consequences +upon those nearest and dearest to him--a blunder that had almost the +dignity of crime. + + + + +JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL + + +_From the Secretary of War to the Hon. Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads, +Posey County, Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861. + +Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President has been +pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of volunteers. Do you accept? + + +_From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861. + +It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one which should be +neither sought nor declined. In times that try men's souls the patriot +knows no North, no South, no East, no West. His motto should be: "My +country, my whole country and nothing but my country." I accept the +great trust confided in me by a free and intelligent people, and with a +firm reliance on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking +the guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall labor so +to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political escutcheon. Say to +his Excellency, the successor of the immortal Washington in the Seat of +Power, that the patronage of my office will be bestowed with an eye +single to securing the greatest good to the greatest number, the +stability of republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all +elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. +I shall at once prepare an appropriate response to the speech of the +chairman of the committee deputed to inform me of my appointment, and I +trust the sentiments therein expressed will strike a sympathetic chord +in the public heart, as well as command the Executive approval. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg, Commanding +the Military Department of Eastern Kentucky._ + +WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861. + +I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, who +will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little Buttermilk River, +and take command of the Illinois Brigade at that point, reporting to you +by letter for orders. Is the route from Covington by way of Bluegrass, +Opossum Corners and Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as +reported in your last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861. + +The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are unfamiliar to me, +but I shall be pleased to have the advantage of his skill. The route +from Covington to Distilleryville _via_ Opossum Corners and Horsecave I +have been compelled to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made +it possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from the +front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by steamboats up the +Little Buttermilk. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan, +Illinois._ + +WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861. + +I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by mail before +the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we must dispense with the +formality of official notification to you by a committee. The President +is highly gratified by the noble and patriotic sentiments of your +letter, and directs that you proceed at once to your command at +Distilleryville, Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General +Wardorg at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest +secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have passed +Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front of +Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then if your +approach is known it will operate as a demonstration against his right +and cause him to strengthen it with his left now at Memphis, Tennessee, +which it is desirable to capture first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum +Corners and Horsecave. All officers are expected to be in full uniform +when _en route_ to the front. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._ + +COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861. + +I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy to Joel +Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch Republican, who will +worthily represent Posey County in field and forum. He points with pride +to a stainless record in the halls of legislation, which have often +echoed to his soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very +foundation of popular government. He has been called the Patrick Henry +of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in the cause of civil and +religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for Distilleryville last evening, +and the standard bearer of the Democratic host confronting that +stronghold of freedom will find him a lion in his path. I have been +asked to remain here and deliver some addresses to the people in a local +contest involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being +performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate and move in +the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my ships behind me. I +forward by this mail to his Excellency the President a request for the +appointment of my son, Jabez Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I +would take it, sir, as a great favor if you would give the application a +strong oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. Be +kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the office I hold in +the military arm, and if they are by salary or fees. Are there any +perquisites? My mileage account will be transmitted monthly. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, 1862. + +I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the recent storms +having inundated the landscape, covering, I understand, the greater part +of a congressional district. I am pained to find that Joel Briller, +Esq., a prominent citizen of Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing +statesman who held my proxy, and who a month ago should have been +thundering at the gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has +doubtless been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the +American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully move +that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of respect to his +memory, and that the office holders and men under your command wear the +usual badge of mourning for thirty days. I shall at once place myself at +the head of affairs here, and am now ready to entertain any suggestions +which you may make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in +this commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the river +appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have two large cannons +facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am told, some of them came +down to the water's edge and remained in session for some time, making +infamous allegations. + + +_From the Diary of Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville, +Kentucky._ + +January 12, 1862.--On my arrival yesterday at the Henry Clay Hotel +(named in honor of the late far-seeing statesman) I was waited on by a +delegation consisting of the three colonels intrusted with the command +of the regiments of my brigade. It was an occasion that will be +memorable in the political annals of America. Forwarded copies of the +speeches to the Posey _Maverick_, to be spread upon the record of the +ages. The gentlemen composing the delegation unanimously reaffirmed +their devotion to the principles of national unity and the Republican +party. Was gratified to recognize in them men of political prominence +and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequent banquet, sentiments of +lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote to Mr. Wardorg at Louisville for +instructions. + +January 13, 1862.--Leased a prominent residence (the former incumbent +being absent in arms against his country) for the term of one year, and +wrote at once for Mrs. Brigadier-General Doke and the vital +issues--excepting Jabez Leonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here +there are supposed to be three thousand misguided men laying the ax at +the root of the tree of liberty. They have a clear majority, many of our +men having returned without leave to their constituents. We could +probably not poll more than two thousand votes. Have advised my heads of +regiments to make a canvass of those remaining, all bolters to be read +out of the phalanx. + +January 14, 1862.--Wrote to the President, asking for the contract to +supply this command with firearms and regalia through my brother-in-law, +prominently identified with the manufacturing interests of the country. +Club of cannon soldiers arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, +on their way to join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to +Jayhawk to escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for +the opposing party, opened fire on the head of the procession and by the +extraordinary noise of the cannon balls (I had no conception of it!) so +frightened my horse that I was unseated without a contest. The meeting +adjourned in disorder and returning to camp I found that a deputation of +the enemy had crossed the river in our absence and made a division of +the loaves and fishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the +Gubernatorial Chair of the Territory of Idaho. + + +_From Editorial Article in the Posey, Illinois, "Maverick," January 20, +1862._ + +Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another column, of the +Battle of Distilleryville will make the heart of every loyal Illinoisian +leap with exultation. The brilliant exploit marks an era in military +history, and as General Doke says, "lays broad and deep the foundations +of American prowess in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except the +gallant author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, he +justly considered that a list of the fallen would only occupy our +valuable space to the exclusion of more important matter, but his +account of the strategic ruse by which he apparently abandoned his camp +and so inveigled a perfidious enemy into it for the purpose of murdering +the sick, the unfortunate _countertempus_ at Jayhawk, the subsequent +dash upon a trapped enemy flushed with a supposed success, driving their +terrified legions across an impassable river which precluded +pursuit--all these "moving accidents by flood and field" are related +with a pen of fire and have all the terrible interest of romance. + +Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is mightier than the +sword. When by the graphic power of the art preservative of all arts we +are brought face to face with such glorious events as these, the +_Maverick's_ enterprise in securing for its thousands of readers the +services of so distinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made +the history as well as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary +importance. For President in 1864 (subject to the decision of the +Republican National Convention) Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, of +Illinois! + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 22, 1862. + +Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville was delayed +in transmission, having only just been received (open) through the +courtesy of the Confederate department commander under a flag of truce. +He begs me to assure you that he would consider it an act of cruelty to +trouble you, and I think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening +attitude, but at the least pressure retire. Your position is simply an +outpost which it is not intended to hold. + + +_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._ + +LOUISVILLE, January 23, 1862. + +I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated twenty +thousand troops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. According to your +assignment, General Doke is in command of the small brigade of raw +troops opposing them. It is no part of my plan to contest the enemy's +advance at that point, but I cannot hold myself responsible for any +reverses to the brigade mentioned, under its present commander. I think +him a fool. + + +_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +WASHINGTON, February 1, 1862. + +The President has great faith in General Doke. If your estimate of him +is correct, however, he would seem to be singularly well placed where he +now is, as your plans appear to contemplate a considerable sacrifice for +whatever advantages you expect to gain. + + +_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major-General Blount Wardorg._ + +DISTILLERYVILLE, February 1, 1862. + +To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order to point +the way whenever my brigade retires from Distilleryville, as +foreshadowed by your letter of the 22d ult. I have appointed a Committee +on Retreat, the minutes of whose first meeting I transmit to you. You +will perceive that the committee having been duly organized by the +election of a chairman and secretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) +was adopted, to the effect that in case treason again raises her hideous +head on this side of the river every man of the brigade is to mount a +mule, the procession to move promptly in the direction of Louisville and +the loyal North. In preparation for such an emergency I have for some +time been collecting mules from the resident Democracy, and have on hand +2300 in a field at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty! + + +_From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUNG STATION, KENTUCKY, February 4, 1862. + +On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting of 25,000 men +and thirty-two field pieces, under command of Major-General Simmons B. +Flood, crossed by a ford to the north side of Little Buttermilk River at +a point three miles above Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and +away from the stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the +object being, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati and +occupy the Ohio Valley. For some months there had been in our front only +a small brigade of undisciplined troops, apparently without a commander, +who were useful to us, for by not disturbing them we could create an +impression of our weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated +them, I was about to detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my +division being the leading one, when an earth-shaking rumble was felt +and heard, and suddenly the head-of-column was struck by one of the +terrible tornadoes for which this region is famous, and utterly +annihilated. The tornado, I believe, passed along the entire length of +the road back to the ford, dispersing or destroying our entire army; but +of this I cannot be sure, for I was lifted from the earth insensible and +blown back to the south side of the river. Continuous firing all night +on the north side and the reports of such of our men as have recrossed +at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigade has exterminated the +disabled survivors. Our loss has been uncommonly heavy. Of my own +division of 15,000 infantry, the casualties--killed, wounded, captured, +and missing--are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow's division, 11,200 +strong, I can find but two officers and a nigger cook. Of the artillery, +800 men, none has reported on this side of the river. General Flood is +dead. I have assumed command of the expeditionary force, but owing to +the heavy losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line of +supplies as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow +morning early. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet but partly +accomplished. + + +_From Major-General Dolliver Billows, C.S.A., to the Confederate +Secretary of War._ + +BUHAC, KENTUCKY, February 5, 1862. + +... But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been reinforced by fifty +thousand cavalry, and being apprised of our movement by a spy, this vast +body was drawn up in the darkness at Jayhawk, and as the head of our +column reached that point at about 11 P.M., fell upon it with +astonishing fury, destroying the division of General Buxter in an +instant. General Baumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the +rear, may have escaped--I did not wait to see, but withdrew my division +to the river at a point several miles above the ford, and at daylight +ferried it across on two fence rails lashed together with a suspender. +Its losses, from an effective strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General +Buxter is dead. I am changing my base to Mobile, Alabama. + + +_From Brigadier-General Schneddeker Baumschank, C.S.A., to the +Confederate Secretary of War._ + +IODINE, KENTUCKY, February 6, 1862. + +... Yoost den somdings occur, I know nod vot it vos--somdings +mackneefcent, but it vas nod vor--und I finds meinselluf, afder leedle +viles, in dis blace, midout a hors und mit no men und goons. Sheneral +Peelows is deadt, You will blease be so goot as to resign me--I vights +no more in a dam gontry vere I gets vipped und knows nod how it vos +done. + + +_Resolutions of Congress_, February 15, 1862. + +_Resolved_, That the thanks of Congress are due, and hereby tendered, to +Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the gallant men under his command for +their unparalleled feat of attacking--themselves only 2000 strong--an +army of 25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making +prisoners of 19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, taking 32 +guns, 20,000 stand of small arms and, in short, the enemy's entire +equipment. + +_Resolved_, That for this unexampled victory the President be requested +to designate a day of thanksgiving and public celebration of religious +rites in the various churches. + +_Resolved_, That he be requested, in further commemoration of the great +event, and in reward of the gallant spirits whose deeds have added such +imperishable lustre to the American arms, to appoint, with the advice +and consent of the Senate, the following officer: + +One major-general. + + +_Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton, of Jayhawk, Kentucky._ + +Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes aint wuf +shuks, but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I cotch de mummer o' +v'ices I knowed dat gang b'long on de far side o' de ribber. So I jes' +runs in de house an' wakes Marse Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' +yo' life!" An' de Lo'd bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right fru de +winder in his shir' tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem +twenty-free hunerd mules dey jes' t'nk it is de debble hese'f wid de +brandin' iron, an' dey bu'st outen dat patch like a yarthquake, an' pile +inter de upper ford road, an' flash down it five deep, an' it full o' +Con-fed'rates from en' to en'!... + + + + +THE WIDOWER TURMORE + + +The circumstances under which Joram Turmore became a widower have never +been popularly understood. I know them, naturally, for I am Joram +Turmore; and my wife, the late Elizabeth Mary Turmore, is by no means +ignorant of them; but although she doubtless relates them, yet they +remain a secret, for not a soul has ever believed her. + +When I married Elizabeth Mary Johnin she was very wealthy, otherwise I +could hardly have afforded to marry, for I had not a cent, and Heaven +had not put into my heart any intention to earn one. I held the +Professorship of Cats in the University of Graymaulkin, and scholastic +pursuits had unfitted me for the heat and burden of business or labor. +Moreover, I could not forget that I was a Turmore--a member of a family +whose motto from the time of William of Normandy has been _Laborare est +errare_. The only known infraction of the sacred family tradition +occurred when Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore, an illustrious +master burglar of the seventeenth century, personally assisted at a +difficult operation undertaken by some of his workmen. That blot upon +our escutcheon cannot be contemplated without the most poignant +mortification. + +My incumbency of the Chair of Cats in the Graymaulkin University had +not, of course, been marked by any instance of mean industry. There had +never, at any one time, been more than two students of the Noble +Science, and by merely repeating the manuscript lectures of my +predecessor, which I had found among his effects (he died at sea on his +way to Malta) I could sufficiently sate their famine for knowledge +without really earning even the distinction which served in place of +salary. + +Naturally, under the straitened circumstances, I regarded Elizabeth Mary +as a kind of special Providence. She unwisely refused to share her +fortune with me, but for that I cared nothing; for, although by the laws +of that country (as is well known) a wife has control of her separate +property during her life, it passes to the husband at her death; nor can +she dispose of it otherwise by will. The mortality among wives is +considerable, but not excessive. + +Having married Elizabeth Mary and, as it were, ennobled her by making +her a Turmore, I felt that the manner of her death ought, in some sense, +to match her social distinction. If I should remove her by any of the +ordinary marital methods I should incur a just reproach, as one +destitute of a proper family pride. Yet I could not hit upon a suitable +plan. + +In this emergency I decided to consult the Turmore archives, a priceless +collection of documents, comprising the records of the family from the +time of its founder in the seventh century of our era. I knew that among +these sacred muniments I should find detailed accounts of all the +principal murders committed by my sainted ancestors for forty +generations. From that mass of papers I could hardly fail to derive the +most valuable suggestions. + +The collection contained also most interesting relics. There were +patents of nobility granted to my forefathers for daring and ingenious +removals of pretenders to thrones, or occupants of them; stars, crosses +and other decorations attesting services of the most secret and +unmentionable character; miscellaneous gifts from the world's greatest +conspirators, representing an intrinsic money value beyond computation. +There were robes, jewels, swords of honor, and every kind of +"testimonials of esteem"; a king's skull fashioned into a wine cup; the +title deeds to vast estates, long alienated by confiscation, sale, or +abandonment; an illuminated breviary that had belonged to Sir Aldebaran +Turmore de Peters-Turmore of accursed memory; embalmed ears of several +of the family's most renowned enemies; the small intestine of a certain +unworthy Italian statesman inimical to Turmores, which, twisted into a +jumping rope, had served the youth of six kindred generations--mementoes +and souvenirs precious beyond the appraisals of imagination, but by the +sacred mandates of tradition and sentiment forever inalienable by sale +or gift. + +As the head of the family, I was custodian of all these priceless +heirlooms, and for their safe keeping had constructed in the basement of +my dwelling a strong-room of massive masonry, whose solid stone walls +and single iron door could defy alike the earthquake's shock, the +tireless assaults of Time, and Cupidity's unholy hand. + +To this thesaurus of the soul, redolent of sentiment and tenderness, and +rich in suggestions of crime, I now repaired for hints upon +assassination. To my unspeakable astonishment and grief I found it +empty! Every shelf, every chest, every coffer had been rifled. Of that +unique and incomparable collection not a vestige remained! Yet I proved +that until I had myself unlocked the massive metal door, not a bolt nor +bar had been disturbed; the seals upon the lock had been intact. + +I passed the night in alternate lamentation and research, equally +fruitless, the mystery was impenetrable to conjecture, the pain +invincible to balm. But never once throughout that dreadful night did my +firm spirit relinquish its high design against Elizabeth Mary, and +daybreak found me more resolute than before to harvest the fruits of my +marriage. My great loss seemed but to bring me into nearer spiritual +relations with my dead ancestors, and to lay upon me a new and more +inevitable obedience to the suasion that spoke in every globule of my +blood. + +My plan of action was soon formed, and procuring a stout cord I entered +my wife's bedroom finding her, as I expected, in a sound sleep. Before +she was awake, I had her bound fast, hand and foot. She was greatly +surprised and pained, but heedless of her remonstrances, delivered in a +high key, I carried her into the now rifled strong-room, which I had +never suffered her to enter, and of whose treasures I had not apprised +her. Seating her, still bound, in an angle of the wall, I passed the +next two days and nights in conveying bricks and mortar to the spot, and +on the morning of the third day had her securely walled in, from floor +to ceiling. All this time I gave no further heed to her pleas for mercy +than (on her assurance of non-resistance, which I am bound to say she +honorably observed) to grant her the freedom of her limbs. The space +allowed her was about four feet by six. As I inserted the last bricks of +the top course, in contact with the ceiling of the strong-room, she bade +me farewell with what I deemed the composure of despair, and I rested +from my work, feeling that I had faithfully observed the traditions of +an ancient and illustrious family. My only bitter reflection, so far as +my own conduct was concerned, came of the consciousness that in the +performance of my design I had labored; but this no living soul would +ever know. + +After a night's rest I went to the Judge of the Court of Successions and +Inheritances and made a true and sworn relation of all that I had +done--except that I ascribed to a servant the manual labor of building +the wall. His honor appointed a court commissioner, who made a careful +examination of the work, and upon his report Elizabeth Mary Turmore +was, at the end of a week, formally pronounced dead. By due process of +law I was put into possession of her estate, and although this was not +by hundreds of thousands of dollars as valuable as my lost treasures, it +raised me from poverty to affluence and brought me the respect of the +great and good. + +Some six months after these events strange rumors reached me that the +ghost of my deceased wife had been seen in several places about the +country, but always at a considerable distance from Graymaulkin. These +rumors, which I was unable to trace to any authentic source, differed +widely in many particulars, but were alike in ascribing to the +apparition a certain high degree of apparent worldly prosperity combined +with an audacity most uncommon in ghosts. Not only was the spirit +attired in most costly raiment, but it walked at noonday, and even +drove! I was inexpressibly annoyed by these reports, and thinking there +might be something more than superstition in the popular belief that +only the spirits of the unburied dead still walk the earth, I took some +workmen equipped with picks and crowbars into the now long unentered +strong-room, and ordered them to demolish the brick wall that I had +built about the partner of my joys. I was resolved to give the body of +Elizabeth Mary such burial as I thought her immortal part might be +willing to accept as an equivalent to the privilege of ranging at will +among the haunts of the living. + +In a few minutes we had broken down the wall and, thrusting a lamp +through the breach, I looked in. Nothing! Not a bone, not a lock of +hair, not a shred of clothing--the narrow space which, upon my +affidavit, had been legally declared to hold all that was mortal of the +late Mrs. Turmore was absolutely empty! This amazing disclosure, coming +upon a mind already overwrought with too much of mystery and excitement, +was more than I could bear. I shrieked aloud and fell in a fit. For +months afterward I lay between life and death, fevered and delirious; +nor did I recover until my physician had had the providence to take a +case of valuable jewels from my safe and leave the country. + +The next summer I had occasion to visit my wine cellar, in one corner of +which I had built the now long disused strong-room. In moving a cask of +Madeira I struck it with considerable force against the partition wall, +and was surprised to observe that it displaced two large square stones +forming a part of the wall. + +Applying my hands to these, I easily pushed them out entirely, and +looking through saw that they had fallen into the niche in which I had +immured my lamented wife; facing the opening which their fall left, and +at a distance of four feet, was the brickwork which my own hands had +made for that unfortunate gentlewoman's restraint. At this significant +revelation I began a search of the wine cellar. Behind a row of casks I +found four historically interesting but intrinsically valueless objects: + +First, the mildewed remains of a ducal robe of state (Florentine) of the +eleventh century; second, an illuminated vellum breviary with the name +of Sir Aldebaran Turmore de Peters-Turmore inscribed in colors on the +title page; third, a human skull fashioned into a drinking cup and +deeply stained with wine; fourth, the iron cross of a Knight Commander +of the Imperial Austrian Order of Assassins by Poison. + +That was all--not an object having commercial value, no papers--nothing. +But this was enough to clear up the mystery of the strong-room. My wife +had early divined the existence and purpose of that apartment, and with +the skill amounting to genius had effected an entrance by loosening the +two stones in the wall. + +Through that opening she had at several times abstracted the entire +collection, which doubtless she had succeeded in converting into coin of +the realm. When with an unconscious justice which deprives me of all +satisfaction in the memory I decided to build her into the wall, by some +malign fatality I selected that part of it in which were these movable +stones, and doubtless before I had fairly finished my bricklaying she +had removed them and, slipping through into the wine cellar, replaced +them as they were originally laid. From the cellar she had easily +escaped unobserved, to enjoy her infamous gains in distant parts. I have +endeavored to procure a warrant, but the Lord High Baron of the Court of +Indictment and Conviction reminds me that she is legally dead, and says +my only course is to go before the Master in Cadavery and move for a +writ of disinterment and constructive revival. So it looks as if I must +suffer without redress this great wrong at the hands of a woman devoid +alike of principle and shame. + + + + +THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY + + +I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was twenty-three +years old never knew the possibilities of happiness latent in another +person's coin. At that time Providence threw me into a deep sleep and +revealed to me in a dream the folly of labor. "Behold," said a vision of +a holy hermit, "the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the +teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet of straw +and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The flowers nod their +heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The lark greets you with a +burst of song. The early sun sheds his temperate beams upon you, and +from the dewy grass you inhale an atmosphere cool and grateful to your +lungs. All nature seems to salute you with the joy of a generous servant +welcoming a faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood +and your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the plow, +hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the morn, maturing +the charms of the landscape and confirming its benediction upon your +spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue invokes repose, and seating +yourself upon the earth at the end of your furrow you expect to enjoy in +fulness the delights of which you did but taste. + +"Alas! the sun has climbed into a brazen sky and his beams are become a +torrent. The flowers have closed their petals, confining their perfume +and denying their colors to the eye. Coolness no longer exhales from the +grass: the dew has vanished and the dry surface of the fields repeats +the fierce heat of the sky. No longer the birds of heaven salute you +with melody, but the jay harshly upbraids you from the edge of the +copse. Unhappy man! all the gentle and healing ministrations of nature +are denied you in punishment of your sin. You have broken the First +Commandment of the Natural Decalogue: you have labored!" + +Awakening from my dream, I collected my few belongings, bade adieu to my +erring parents and departed out of that land, pausing at the grave of my +grandfather, who had been a priest, to take an oath that never again, +Heaven helping me, would I earn an honest penny. + +How long I traveled I know not, but I came at last to a great city by +the sea, where I set up as a physician. The name of that place I do not +now remember, for such were my activity and renown in my new profession +that the Aldermen, moved by pressure of public opinion, altered it, and +thenceforth the place was known as the City of the Gone Away. It is +needless to say that I had no knowledge of medicine, but by securing the +service of an eminent forger I obtained a diploma purporting to have +been granted by the Royal Quackery of Charlatanic Empiricism at Hoodos, +which, framed in immortelles and suspended by a bit of _crepe_ to a +willow in front of my office, attracted the ailing in great numbers. In +connection with my dispensary I conducted one of the largest undertaking +establishments ever known, and as soon as my means permitted, purchased +a wide tract of land and made it into a cemetery. I owned also some very +profitable marble works on one side of the gateway to the cemetery, and +on the other an extensive flower garden. My Mourner's Emporium was +patronized by the beauty, fashion and sorrow of the city. In short, I +was in a very prosperous way of business, and within a year was able to +send for my parents and establish my old father very comfortably as a +receiver of stolen goods--an act which I confess was saved from the +reproach of filial gratitude only by my exaction of all the profits. + +But the vicissitudes of fortune are avoidable only by practice of the +sternest indigence: human foresight cannot provide against the envy of +the gods and the tireless machinations of Fate. The widening circle of +prosperity grows weaker as it spreads until the antagonistic forces +which it has pushed back are made powerful by compression to resist and +finally overwhelm. So great grew the renown of my skill in medicine that +patients were brought to me from all the four quarters of the globe. +Burdensome invalids whose tardiness in dying was a perpetual grief to +their friends; wealthy testators whose legatees were desirous to come by +their own; superfluous children of penitent parents and dependent +parents of frugal children; wives of husbands ambitious to remarry and +husbands of wives without standing in the courts of divorce--these and +all conceivable classes of the surplus population were conducted to my +dispensary in the City of the Gone Away. They came in incalculable +multitudes. + +Government agents brought me caravans of orphans, paupers, lunatics and +all who had become a public charge. My skill in curing orphanism and +pauperism was particularly acknowledged by a grateful parliament. + +Naturally, all this promoted the public prosperity, for although I got +the greater part of the money that strangers expended in the city, the +rest went into the channels of trade, and I was myself a liberal +investor, purchaser and employer, and a patron of the arts and sciences. +The City of the Gone Away grew so rapidly that in a few years it had +inclosed my cemetery, despite its own constant growth. In that fact lay +the lion that rent me. + +The Aldermen declared my cemetery a public evil and decided to take it +from me, remove the bodies to another place and make a park of it. I was +to be paid for it and could easily bribe the appraisers to fix a high +price, but for a reason which will appear the decision gave me little +joy. It was in vain that I protested against the sacrilege of disturbing +the holy dead, although this was a powerful appeal, for in that land the +dead are held in religious veneration. Temples are built in their honor +and a separate priesthood maintained at the public expense, whose only +duty is performance of memorial services of the most solemn and touching +kind. On four days in the year there is a Festival of the Good, as it is +called, when all the people lay by their work or business and, headed by +the priests, march in procession through the cemeteries, adorning the +graves and praying in the temples. However bad a man's life may be, it +is believed that when dead he enters into a state of eternal and +inexpressible happiness. To signify a doubt of this is an offense +punishable by death. To deny burial to the dead, or to exhume a buried +body, except under sanction of law by special dispensation and with +solemn ceremony, is a crime having no stated penalty because no one has +ever had the hardihood to commit it. + +All these considerations were in my favor, yet so well assured were the +people and their civic officers that my cemetery was injurious to the +public health that it was condemned and appraised, and with terror in my +heart I received three times its value and began to settle up my affairs +with all speed. + +A week later was the day appointed for the formal inauguration of the +ceremony of removing the bodies. The day was fine and the entire +population of the city and surrounding country was present at the +imposing religious rites. These were directed by the mortuary priesthood +in full canonicals. There was propitiatory sacrifice in the Temples of +the Once, followed by a processional pageant of great splendor, ending +at the cemetery. The Great Mayor in his robe of state led the +procession. He was armed with a golden spade and followed by one hundred +male and female singers, clad all in white and chanting the Hymn to the +Gone Away. Behind these came the minor priesthood of the temples, all +the civic authorities, habited in their official apparel, each carrying +a living pig as an offering to the gods of the dead. Of the many +divisions of the line, the last was formed by the populace, with +uncovered heads, sifting dust into their hair in token of humility. In +front of the mortuary chapel in the midst of the necropolis, the Supreme +Priest stood in gorgeous vestments, supported on each hand by a line of +bishops and other high dignitaries of his prelacy, all frowning with the +utmost austerity. As the Great Mayor paused in the Presence, the minor +clergy, the civic authorities, the choir and populace closed in and +encompassed the spot. The Great Mayor, laying his golden spade at the +feet of the Supreme Priest, knelt in silence. + +"Why comest thou here, presumptuous mortal?" said the Supreme Priest in +clear, deliberate tones. "Is it thy unhallowed purpose with this +implement to uncover the mysteries of death and break the repose of the +Good?" + +The Great Mayor, still kneeling, drew from his robe a document with +portentous seals: "Behold, O ineffable, thy servant, having warrant of +his people, entreateth at thy holy hands the custody of the Good, to the +end and purpose that they lie in fitter earth, by consecration duly +prepared against their coming." + +With that he placed in the sacerdotal hands the order of the Council of +Aldermen decreeing the removal. Merely touching the parchment, the +Supreme Priest passed it to the Head Necropolitan at his side, and +raising his hands relaxed the severity of his countenance and exclaimed: +"The gods comply." + +Down the line of prelates on either side, his gesture, look and words +were successively repeated. The Great Mayor rose to his feet, the choir +began a solemn chant and, opportunely, a funeral car drawn by ten white +horses with black plumes rolled in at the gate and made its way through +the parting crowd to the grave selected for the occasion--that of a high +official whom I had treated for chronic incumbency. The Great Mayor +touched the grave with his golden spade (which he then presented to the +Supreme Priest) and two stalwart diggers with iron ones set vigorously +to work. + +At that moment I was observed to leave the cemetery and the country; for +a report of the rest of the proceedings I am indebted to my sainted +father, who related it in a letter to me, written in jail the night +before he had the irreparable misfortune to take the kink out of a rope. + +As the workmen proceeded with their excavation, four bishops stationed +themselves at the corners of the grave and in the profound silence of +the multitude, broken otherwise only by the harsh grinding sound of +spades, repeated continuously, one after another, the solemn invocations +and responses from the Ritual of the Disturbed, imploring the blessed +brother to forgive. But the blessed brother was not there. Full fathom +two they mined for him in vain, then gave it up. The priests were +visibly disconcerted, the populace was aghast, for that grave was +indubitably vacant. + +After a brief consultation with the Supreme Priest, the Great Mayor +ordered the workmen to open another grave. The ritual was omitted this +time until the coffin should be uncovered. There was no coffin, no body. + + +The cemetery was now a scene of the wildest confusion and dismay. The +people shouted and ran hither and thither, gesticulating, clamoring, all +talking at once, none listening. Some ran for spades, fire-shovels, +hoes, sticks, anything. Some brought carpenters' adzes, even chisels +from the marble works, and with these inadequate aids set to work upon +the first graves they came to. Others fell upon the mounds with their +bare hands, scraping away the earth as eagerly as dogs digging for +marmots. Before nightfall the surface of the greater part of the +cemetery had been upturned; every grave had been explored to the bottom +and thousands of men were tearing away at the interspaces with as +furious a frenzy as exhaustion would permit. As night came on torches +were lighted, and in the sinister glare these frantic mortals, looking +like a legion of fiends performing some unholy rite, pursued their +disappointing work until they had devastated the entire area. But not a +body did they find--not even a coffin. + +The explanation is exceedingly simple. An important part of my income +had been derived from the sale of _cadavres_ to medical colleges, which +never before had been so well supplied, and which, in added recognition +of my services to science, had all bestowed upon me diplomas, degrees +and fellowships without number. But their demand for _cadavres_ was +unequal to my supply: by even the most prodigal extravagances they could +not consume the one-half of the products of my skill as a physician. As +to the rest, I had owned and operated the most extensive and thoroughly +appointed soapworks in all the country. The excellence of my "Toilet +Homoline" was attested by certificates from scores of the saintliest +theologians, and I had one in autograph from Badelina Fatti the most +famous living soaprano. + + + + +THE MAJOR'S TALE + + +In the days of the Civil War practical joking had not, I think, fallen +into that disrepute which characterizes it now. That, doubtless, was +owing to our extreme youth--men were much younger than now, and evermore +your very young man has a boisterous spirit, running easily to +horse-play. You cannot think how young the men were in the early +sixties! Why, the average age of the entire Federal Army was not more +than twenty-five; I doubt if it was more than twenty-three, but not +having the statistics on that point (if there are any) I want to be +moderate: we will say twenty-five. It is true a man of twenty-five was +in that heroic time a good deal more of a man than one of that age is +now; you could see that by looking at him. His face had nothing of that +unripeness so conspicuous in his successor. I never see a young fellow +now without observing how disagreeably young he really is; but during the +war we did not think of a man's age at all unless he happened to be +pretty well along in life. In that case one could not help it, for the +unloveliness of age assailed the human countenance then much earlier +than now; the result, I suppose, of hard service--perhaps, to some +extent, of hard drink, for, bless my soul! we did shed the blood of the +grape and the grain abundantly during the war. I remember thinking +General Grant, who could not have been more than forty, a pretty well +preserved old chap, considering his habits. As to men of middle age--say +from fifty to sixty--why, they all looked fit to personate the Last of +the Hittites, or the Madagascarene Methuselah, in a museum. Depend upon +it, my friends, men of that time were greatly younger than men are +to-day, but looked much older. The change is quite remarkable. + +I said that practical joking had not then gone out of fashion. It had +not, at least, in the army; though possibly in the more serious life of +the civilian it had no place except in the form of tarring and +feathering an occasional "copperhead." You all know, I suppose, what a +"copperhead" was, so I will go directly at my story without introductory +remark, as is my way. + +It was a few days before the battle of Nashville. The enemy had driven +us up out of northern Georgia and Alabama. At Nashville we had turned at +bay and fortified, while old Pap Thomas, our commander, hurried down +reinforcements and supplies from Louisville. Meantime Hood, the +Confederate commander, had partly invested us and lay close enough to +have tossed shells into the heart of the town. As a rule he +abstained--he was afraid of killing the families of his own soldiers, I +suppose, a great many of whom had lived there. I sometimes wondered what +were the feelings of those fellows, gazing over our heads at their own +dwellings, where their wives and children or their aged parents were +perhaps suffering for the necessaries of life, and certainly (so their +reasoning would run) cowering under the tyranny and power of the +barbarous Yankees. + +To begin, then, at the beginning, I was serving at that time on the +staff of a division commander whose name I shall not disclose, for I am +relating facts, and the person upon whom they bear hardest may have +surviving relatives who would not care to have him traced. Our +headquarters were in a large dwelling which stood just behind our line +of works. This had been hastily abandoned by the civilian occupants, who +had left everything pretty much as it was--had no place to store it, +probably, and trusted that Heaven would preserve it from Federal +cupidity and Confederate artillery. With regard to the latter we were as +solicitous as they. + +Rummaging about in some of the chambers and closets one evening, some of +us found an abundant supply of lady-gear--gowns, shawls, bonnets, hats, +petticoats and the Lord knows what; I could not at that time have named +the half of it. The sight of all this pretty plunder inspired one of us +with what he was pleased to call an "idea," which, when submitted to the +other scamps and scapegraces of the staff, met with instant and +enthusiastic approval. We proceeded at once to act upon it for the +undoing of one of our comrades. + +Our selected victim was an aide, Lieutenant Haberton, so to call him. He +was a good soldier--as gallant a chap as ever wore spurs; but he had an +intolerable weakness: he was a lady-killer, and like most of his class, +even in those days, eager that all should know it. He never tired of +relating his amatory exploits, and I need not say how dismal that kind +of narrative is to all but the narrator. It would be dismal even if +sprightly and vivacious, for all men are rivals in woman's favor, and to +relate your successes to another man is to rouse in him a dumb +resentment, tempered by disbelief. You will not convince him that you +tell the tale for his entertainment; he will hear nothing in it but an +expression of your own vanity. Moreover, as most men, whether rakes or +not, are willing to be thought rakes, he is very likely to resent a +stupid and unjust inference which he suspects you to have drawn from his +reticence in the matter of his own adventures--namely, that he has had +none. If, on the other hand, he has had no scruple in the matter and his +reticence is due to lack of opportunity to talk, or of nimbleness in +taking advantage of it, why, then he will be surly because you "have the +floor" when he wants it himself. There are, in short, no circumstances +under which a man, even from the best of motives, or no motive at all, +can relate his feats of love without distinctly lowering himself in the +esteem of his male auditor; and herein lies a just punishment for such +as kiss and tell. In my younger days I was myself not entirely out of +favor with the ladies, and have a memory stored with much concerning +them which doubtless I might put into acceptable narrative had I not +undertaken another tale, and if it were not my practice to relate one +thing at a time, going straight away to the end, without digression. + +Lieutenant Haberton was, it must be confessed, a singularly handsome man +with engaging manners. He was, I suppose, judging from the imperfect +view-point of my sex, what women call "fascinating." Now, the qualities +which make a man attractive to ladies entail a double disadvantage. +First, they are of a sort readily discerned by other men, and by none +more readily than by those who lack them. Their possessor, being feared +by all these, is habitually slandered by them in self-defense. To all +the ladies in whose welfare they deem themselves entitled to a voice and +interest they hint at the vices and general unworth of the "ladies' man" +in no uncertain terms, and to their wives relate without shame the most +monstrous falsehoods about him. Nor are they restrained by the +consideration that he is their friend; the qualities which have engaged +their own admiration make it necessary to warn away those to whom the +allurement would be a peril. So the man of charming personality, while +loved by all the ladies who know him well, yet not too well, must endure +with such fortitude as he may the consciousness that those others who +know him only "by reputation" consider him a shameless reprobate, a +vicious and unworthy man--a type and example of moral depravity. To name +the second disadvantage entailed by his charms: he commonly is. + +In order to get forward with our busy story (and in my judgment a story +once begun should not suffer impedition) it is necessary to explain that +a young fellow attached to our headquarters as an orderly was notably +effeminate in face and figure. He was not more than seventeen and had a +perfectly smooth face and large lustrous eyes, which must have been the +envy of many a beautiful woman in those days. And how beautiful the +women of those days were! and how gracious! Those of the South showed in +their demeanor toward us Yankees something of _hauteur_, but, for my +part, I found it less insupportable than the studious indifference with +which one's attentions are received by the ladies of this new +generation, whom I certainly think destitute of sentiment and +sensibility. + +This young orderly, whose name was Arman, we persuaded--by what +arguments I am not bound to say--to clothe himself in female attire and +personate a lady. When we had him arrayed to our satisfaction--and a +charming girl he looked--he was conducted to a sofa in the office of the +adjutant-general. That officer was in the secret, as indeed were all +excepting Haberton and the general; within the awful dignity hedging the +latter lay possibilities of disapproval which we were unwilling to +confront. + +When all was ready I went to Haberton and said: "Lieutenant, there is a +young woman in the adjutant-general's office. She is the daughter of the +insurgent gentleman who owns this house, and has, I think, called to see +about its present occupancy. We none of us know just how to talk to her, +but we think perhaps you would say about the right thing--at least you +will say things in the right way. Would you mind coming down?" + +The lieutenant would not mind; he made a hasty toilet and joined me. As +we were going along a passage toward the Presence we encountered a +formidable obstacle--the general. + +"I say, Broadwood," he said, addressing me in the familiar manner which +meant that he was in excellent humor, "there's a lady in Lawson's +office. Looks like a devilish fine girl--came on some errand of mercy or +justice, no doubt. Have the goodness to conduct her to my quarters. I +won't saddle you youngsters with _all_ the business of this division," +he added facetiously. + +This was awkward; something had to be done. + +"General," I said, "I did not think the lady's business of sufficient +importance to bother you with it. She is one of the Sanitary +Commission's nurses, and merely wants to see about some supplies for the +smallpox hospital where she is on duty. I'll send her in at once." + +"You need not mind," said the general, moving on; "I dare say Lawson +will attend to the matter." + +Ah, the gallant general! how little I thought, as I looked after his +retreating figure and laughed at the success of my ruse, that within the +week he would be "dead on the field of honor!" Nor was he the only one +of our little military household above whom gloomed the shadow of the +death angel, and who might almost have heard "the beating of his wings." +On that bleak December morning a few days later, when from an hour +before dawn until ten o'clock we sat on horseback on those icy hills, +waiting for General Smith to open the battle miles away to the right, +there were eight of us. At the close of the fighting there were three. +There is now one. Bear with him yet a little while, oh, thrifty +generation; he is but one of the horrors of war strayed from his era +into yours. He is only the harmless skeleton at your feast and +peace-dance, responding to your laughter and your footing it featly, +with rattling fingers and bobbing skull--albeit upon suitable occasion, +with a partner of his choosing, he might do his little dance with the +best of you. + +As we entered the adjutant-general's office we observed that the entire +staff was there. The adjutant-general himself was exceedingly busy at +his desk. The commissary of subsistence played cards with the surgeon in +a bay window. The rest were in several parts of the room, reading or +conversing in low tones. On a sofa in a half lighted nook of the room, +at some distance from any of the groups, sat the "lady," closely veiled, +her eyes modestly fixed upon her toes. + +"Madam," I said, advancing with Haberton, "this officer will be pleased +to serve you if it is in his power. I trust that it is." + +With a bow I retired to the farther corner of the room and took part in +a conversation going on there, though I had not the faintest notion what +it was about, and my remarks had no relevancy to anything under the +heavens. A close observer would have noticed that we were all intently +watching Haberton and only "making believe" to do anything else. + +He was worth watching, too; the fellow was simply an _edition de luxe_ +of "Turveydrop on Deportment." As the "lady" slowly unfolded her tale of +grievances against our lawless soldiery and mentioned certain instances +of wanton disregard of property rights--among them, as to the imminent +peril of bursting our sides we partly overheard, the looting of her own +wardrobe--the look of sympathetic agony in Haberton's handsome face was +the very flower and fruit of histrionic art. His deferential and +assenting nods at her several statements were so exquisitely performed +that one could not help regretting their unsubstantial nature and the +impossibility of preserving them under glass for instruction and delight +of posterity. And all the time the wretch was drawing his chair nearer +and nearer. Once or twice he looked about to see if we were observing, +but we were in appearance blankly oblivious to all but one another and +our several diversions. The low hum of our conversation, the gentle +tap-tap of the cards as they fell in play and the furious scratching of +the adjutant-general's pen as he turned off countless pages of words +without sense were the only sounds heard. No--there was another: at long +intervals the distant boom of a heavy gun, followed by the approaching +rush of the shot. The enemy was amusing himself. + +On these occasions the lady was perhaps not the only member of that +company who was startled, but she was startled more than the others, +sometimes rising from the sofa and standing with clasped hands, the +authentic portrait of terror and irresolution. It was no more than +natural that Haberton should at these times reseat her with infinite +tenderness, assuring her of her safety and regretting her peril in the +same breath. It was perhaps right that he should finally possess himself +of her gloved hand and a seat beside her on the sofa; but it certainly +was highly improper for him to be in the very act of possessing himself +of _both_ hands when--boom, _whiz_, BANG! + +We all sprang to our feet. A shell had crashed into the house and +exploded in the room above us. Bushels of plaster fell among us. That +modest and murmurous young lady sprang erect. + +"Jumping Jee-rusalem!" she cried. + +Haberton, who had also risen, stood as one petrified--as a statue of +himself erected on the site of his assassination. He neither spoke, nor +moved, nor once took his eyes off the face of Orderly Arman, who was now +flinging his girl-gear right and left, exposing his charms in the most +shameless way; while out upon the night and away over the lighted camps +into the black spaces between the hostile lines rolled the billows of +our inexhaustible laughter! Ah, what a merry life it was in the old +heroic days when men had not forgotten how to laugh! + +Haberton slowly came to himself. He looked about the room less blankly; +then by degrees fashioned his visage into the sickliest grin that ever +libeled all smiling. He shook his head and looked knowing. + +"You can't fool _me_!" he said. + + + + +CURRIED COW + + +My Aunt Patience, who tilled a small farm in the state of Michigan, had +a favorite cow. This creature was not a good cow, nor a profitable one, +for instead of devoting a part of her leisure to secretion of milk and +production of veal she concentrated all her faculties on the study of +kicking. She would kick all day and get up in the middle of the night to +kick. She would kick at anything--hens, pigs, posts, loose stones, birds +in the air and fish leaping out of the water; to this impartial and +catholic-minded beef, all were equal--all similarly undeserving. Like +old Timotheus, who "raised a mortal to the skies," was my Aunt +Patience's cow; though, in the words of a later poet than Dryden, she +did it "more harder and more frequently." It was pleasing to see her +open a passage for herself through a populous barnyard. She would flash +out, right and left, first with one hind-leg and then with the other, +and would sometimes, under favoring conditions, have a considerable +number of domestic animals in the air at once. + +Her kicks, too, were as admirable in quality as inexhaustible in +quantity. They were incomparably superior to those of the untutored kine +that had not made the art a life study--mere amateurs that kicked "by +ear," as they say in music. I saw her once standing in the road, +professedly fast asleep, and mechanically munching her cud with a sort +of Sunday morning lassitude, as one munches one's cud in a dream. +Snouting about at her side, blissfully unconscious of impending danger +and wrapped up in thoughts of his sweetheart, was a gigantic black +hog--a hog of about the size and general appearance of a yearling +rhinoceros. Suddenly, while I looked--without a visible movement on the +part of the cow--with never a perceptible tremor of her frame, nor a +lapse in the placid regularity of her chewing--that hog had gone away +from there--had utterly taken his leave. But away toward the pale +horizon a minute black speck was traversing the empyrean with the speed +of a meteor, and in a moment had disappeared, without audible report, +beyond the distant hills. It may have been that hog. + +Currying cows is not, I think, a common practice, even in Michigan; but +as this one had never needed milking, of course she had to be subjected +to some equivalent form of persecution; and irritating her skin with a +currycomb was thought as disagreeable an attention as a thoughtful +affection could devise. At least she thought it so; though I suspect her +mistress really meant it for the good creature's temporal advantage. +Anyhow my aunt always made it a condition to the employment of a +farm-servant that he should curry the cow every morning; but after just +enough trials to convince himself that it was not a sudden spasm, nor a +mere local disturbance, the man would always give notice of an intention +to quit, by pounding the beast half-dead with some foreign body and then +limping home to his couch. I don't know how many men the creature +removed from my aunt's employ in this way, but judging from the number +of lame persons in that part of the country, I should say a good many; +though some of the lameness may have been taken at second-hand from the +original sufferers by their descendants, and some may have come by +contagion. + +I think my aunt's was a faulty system of agriculture. It is true her +farm labor cost her nothing, for the laborers all left her service +before any salary had accrued; but as the cow's fame spread abroad +through the several States and Territories, it became increasingly +difficult to obtain hands; and, after all, the favorite was imperfectly +curried. It was currently remarked that the cow had kicked the farm to +pieces--a rude metaphor, implying that the land was not properly +cultivated, nor the buildings and fences kept in adequate repair. + +It was useless to remonstrate with my aunt: she would concede +everything, amending nothing. Her late husband had attempted to reform +the abuse in this manner, and had had the argument all his own way until +he had remonstrated himself into an early grave; and the funeral was +delayed all day, until a fresh undertaker could be procured, the one +originally engaged having confidingly undertaken to curry the cow at the +request of the widow. + +Since that time my Aunt Patience had not been in the matrimonial market; +the love of that cow had usurped in her heart the place of a more +natural and profitable affection. But when she saw her seeds unsown, her +harvests ungarnered, her fences overtopped with rank brambles and her +meadows gorgeous with the towering Canada thistle she thought it best to +take a partner. + +When it transpired that my Aunt Patience intended wedlock there was +intense popular excitement. Every adult single male became at once a +marrying man. The criminal statistics of Badger county show that in that +single year more marriages occurred than in any decade before or since. +But none of them was my aunt's. Men married their cooks, their +laundresses, their deceased wives' mothers, their enemies' +sisters--married whomsoever would wed; and any man who, by fair means or +courtship, could not obtain a wife went before a justice of the peace +and made an affidavit that he had some wives in Indiana. Such was the +fear of being married alive by my Aunt Patience. + +Now, where my aunt's affection was concerned she was, as the reader will +have already surmised, a rather determined woman; and the extraordinary +marrying epidemic having left but one eligible male in all that county, +she had set her heart upon that one eligible male; then she went and +carted him to her home. He turned out to be a long Methodist parson, +named Huggins. + +Aside from his unconscionable length, the Rev. Berosus Huggins was not +so bad a fellow, and was nobody's fool. He was, I suppose, the most +ill-favored mortal, however, in the whole northern half of +America--thin, angular, cadaverous of visage and solemn out of all +reason. He commonly wore a low-crowned black hat, set so far down upon +his head as partly to eclipse his eyes and wholly obscure the ample +glory of his ears. The only other visible article of his attire (except +a brace of wrinkled cowskin boots, by which the word "polish" would have +been considered the meaningless fragment of a lost language) was a +tight-fitting black frock-coat, preternaturally long in the waist, the +skirts of which fell about his heels, sopping up the dew. This he always +wore snugly buttoned from the throat downward. In this attire he cut a +tolerably spectral figure. His aspect was so conspicuously unnatural and +inhuman that whenever he went into a cornfield, the predatory crows +would temporarily forsake their business to settle upon him in swarms, +fighting for the best seats upon his person, by way of testifying their +contempt for the weak inventions of the husbandman. + +The day after the wedding my Aunt Patience summoned the Rev. Berosus to +the council chamber, and uttered her mind to the following intent: + +"Now, Huggy, dear, I'll tell you what there is to do about the place. +First, you must repair all the fences, clearing out the weeds and +repressing the brambles with a strong hand. Then you will have to +exterminate the Canadian thistles, mend the wagon, rig up a plow or two, +and get things into ship-shape generally. This will keep you out of +mischief for the better part of two years; of course you will have to +give up preaching, for the present. As soon as you have--O! I forgot +poor Phoebe. She"---- + +"Mrs. Huggins," interrupted her solemn spouse, "I shall hope to be the +means, under Providence, of effecting all needful reforms in the +husbandry of this farm. But the sister you mention (I trust she is not +of the world's people)--have I the pleasure of knowing her? The name, +indeed, sounds familiar, but"---- + +"Not know Phoebe!" cried my aunt, with unfeigned astonishment; "I +thought everybody in Badger knew Phoebe. Why, you will have to scratch +her legs, every blessed morning of your natural life!" + +"I assure you, madam," rejoined the Rev. Berosus, with dignity, "it +would yield me a hallowed pleasure to minister to the spiritual needs of +sister Phoebe, to the extent of my feeble and unworthy ability; but, +really, I fear the merely secular ministration of which you speak must +be entrusted to abler and, I would respectfully suggest, female hands." + + +"Whyyy, youuu ooold, foooool!" replied my aunt, spreading her eyes with +unbounded amazement, "Phoebe is a _cow_!" + +"In that case," said the husband, with unruffled composure, "it will, of +course, devolve upon me to see that her carnal welfare is properly +attended to; and I shall be happy to bestow upon her legs such time as I +may, without sin, snatch from my strife with Satan and the Canadian +thistles." + +With that the Rev. Mr. Huggins crowded his hat upon his shoulders, +pronounced a brief benediction upon his bride, and betook himself to the +barn-yard. + +Now, it is necessary to explain that he had known from the first who +Phoebe was, and was familiar, from hearsay, with all her sinful traits. +Moreover, he had already done himself the honor of making her a visit, +remaining in the vicinity of her person, just out of range, for more +than an hour and permitting her to survey him at her leisure from every +point of the compass. In short, he and Phoebe had mutually reconnoitered +and prepared for action. + +Amongst the articles of comfort and luxury which went to make up the +good parson's _dot_, and which his wife had already caused to be +conveyed to his new home, was a patent cast-iron pump, about seven feet +high. This had been deposited near the barn-yard, preparatory to being +set up on the planks above the barn-yard well. Mr. Huggins now sought +out this invention and conveying it to its destination put it into +position, screwing it firmly to the planks. He next divested himself of +his long gaberdine and his hat, buttoning the former loosely about the +pump, which it almost concealed, and hanging the latter upon the summit +of the structure. The handle of the pump, when depressed, curved +outwardly between the coat-skirts, singularly like a tail, but with this +inconspicuous exception, any unprejudiced observer would have pronounced +the thing Mr. Huggins, looking uncommonly well. + +The preliminaries completed, the good man carefully closed the gate of +the barnyard, knowing that as soon as Phoebe, who was campaigning in the +kitchen garden, should note the precaution she would come and jump in to +frustrate it, which eventually she did. Her master, meanwhile, had laid +himself, coatless and hatless, along the outside of the close board +fence, where he put in the time pleasantly, catching his death of cold +and peering through a knot-hole. + +At first, and for some time, the animal pretended not to see the figure +on the platform. Indeed she had turned her back upon it directly she +arrived, affecting a light sleep. Finding that this stratagem did not +achieve the success that she had expected, she abandoned it and stood +for several minutes irresolute, munching her cud in a half-hearted way, +but obviously thinking very hard. Then she began nosing along the ground +as if wholly absorbed in a search for something that she had lost, +tacking about hither and thither, but all the time drawing nearer to the +object of her wicked intention. Arrived within speaking distance, she +stood for a little while confronting the fraudful figure, then put out +her nose toward it, as if to be caressed, trying to create the +impression that fondling and dalliance were more to her than wealth, +power and the plaudits of the populace--that she had been accustomed to +them all her sweet young life and could not get on without them. Then +she approached a little nearer, as if to shake hands, all the while +maintaining the most amiable expression of countenance and executing all +manner of seductive nods and winks and smiles. Suddenly she wheeled +about and with the rapidity of lightning dealt out a terrible kick--a +kick of inconceivable force and fury, comparable to nothing in nature +but a stroke of paralysis out of a clear sky! + +The effect was magical! Cows kick, not backward but sidewise. The impact +which was intended to project the counterfeit theologian into the middle +of the succeeding conference week reacted upon the animal herself, and +it and the pain together set her spinning like a top. Such was the +velocity of her revolution that she looked like a dim, circular cow, +surrounded by a continuous ring like that of the planet Saturn--the +white tuft at the extremity of her sweeping tail! Presently, as the +sustaining centrifugal force lessened and failed, she began to sway and +wabble from side to side, and finally, toppling over on her side, rolled +convulsively on her back and lay motionless with all her feet in the +air, honestly believing that the world had somehow got atop of her and +she was supporting it at a great sacrifice of personal comfort. Then she +fainted. + +How long she lay unconscious she knew not, but at last she unclosed her +eyes, and catching sight of the open door of her stall, "more sweet than +all the landscape smiling near," she struggled up, stood wavering upon +three legs, rubbed her eyes, and was visibly bewildered as to the points +of the compass. Observing the iron clergyman standing fast by its faith, +she threw it a look of grieved reproach and hobbled heart-broken into +her humble habitation, a subjugated cow. + +For several weeks Phoebe's right hind leg was swollen to a monstrous +growth, but by a season of judicious nursing she was "brought round all +right," as her sympathetic and puzzled mistress phrased it, or "made +whole," as the reticent man of God preferred to say. She was now as +tractable and inoffensive "in her daily walk and conversation" (Huggins) +as a little child. Her new master used to take her ailing leg trustfully +into his lap, and for that matter, might have taken it into his mouth if +he had so desired. Her entire character appeared to be radically +changed--so altered that one day my Aunt Patience, who, fondly as she +loved her, had never before so much as ventured to touch the hem of her +garment, as it were, went confidently up to her to soothe her with a pan +of turnips. Gad! how thinly she spread out that good old lady upon the +face of an adjacent stone wall! You could not have done it so evenly +with a trowel. + + + + +A REVOLT OF THE GODS + + +My father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, my mother kept the only shop +for the sale of cats'-meat in my native city. They did not live happily; +the difference in social rank was a chasm which could not be bridged by +the vows of marriage. It was indeed an ill-assorted and most unlucky +alliance; and as might have been foreseen it ended in disaster. One +morning after the customary squabbles at breakfast, my father rose from +the table, quivering and pale with wrath, and proceeding to the +parsonage thrashed the clergyman who had performed the marriage +ceremony. The act was generally condemned and public feeling ran so high +against the offender that people would permit dead dogs to lie on their +property until the fragrance was deafening rather than employ him; and +the municipal authorities suffered one bloated old mastiff to utter +itself from a public square in so clamorous an exhalation that passing +strangers supposed themselves to be in the vicinity of a saw-mill. My +father was indeed unpopular. During these dark days the family's sole +dependence was on my mother's emporium for cats'-meat. + +The business was profitable. In that city, which was the oldest in the +world, the cat was an object of veneration. Its worship was the religion +of the country. The multiplication and addition of cats were a perpetual +instruction in arithmetic. Naturally, any inattention to the wants of a +cat was punished with great severity in this world and the next; so my +good mother numbered her patrons by the hundred. Still, with an +unproductive husband and seventeen children she had some difficulty in +making both ends cats'-meat; and at last the necessity of increasing the +discrepancy between the cost price and the selling price of her carnal +wares drove her to an expedient which proved eminently disastrous: she +conceived the unlucky notion of retaliating by refusing to sell +cats'-meat until the boycott was taken off her husband. + +On the day when she put this resolution into practice the shop was +thronged with excited customers, and others extended in turbulent and +restless masses up four streets, out of sight. Inside there was nothing +but cursing, crowding, shouting and menace. Intimidation was freely +resorted to--several of my younger brothers and sisters being threatened +with cutting up for the cats--but my mother was as firm as a rock, and +the day was a black one for Sardasa, the ancient and sacred city that +was the scene of these events. The lock-out was vigorously maintained, +and seven hundred and fifty thousand cats went to bed hungry! + +The next morning the city was found to have been placarded during the +night with a proclamation of the Federated Union of Old Maids. This +ancient and powerful order averred through its Supreme Executive Head +that the boycotting of my father and the retaliatory lock-out of my +mother were seriously imperiling the interests of religion. The +proclamation went on to state that if arbitration were not adopted by +noon that day all the old maids of the federation would strike--and +strike they did. + +The next act of this unhappy drama was an insurrection of cats. These +sacred animals, seeing themselves doomed to starvation, held a +mass-meeting and marched in procession through the streets, swearing and +spitting like fiends. This revolt of the gods produced such +consternation that many pious persons died of fright and all business +was suspended to bury them and pass terrifying resolutions. + +Matters were now about as bad as it seemed possible for them to be. +Meetings among representatives of the hostile interests were held, but +no understanding was arrived at that would hold. Every agreement was +broken as soon as made, and each element of the discord was frantically +appealing to the people. A new horror was in store. + +It will be remembered that my father was a deodorizer of dead dogs, but +was unable to practice his useful and humble profession because no one +would employ him. The dead dogs in consequence reeked rascally. Then +they struck! From every vacant lot and public dumping ground, from every +hedge and ditch and gutter and cistern, every crystal rill and the +clabbered waters of all the canals and estuaries--from all the places, +in short, which from time immemorial have been preempted by dead dogs +and consecrated to the uses of them and their heirs and successors +forever--they trooped innumerous, a ghastly crew! Their procession was a +mile in length. Midway of the town it met the procession of cats in full +song. The cats instantly exalted their backs and magnified their tails; +the dead dogs uncovered their teeth as in life, and erected such of +their bristles as still adhered to the skin. + +The carnage that ensued was too awful for relation! The light of the sun +was obscured by flying fur, and the battle was waged in the darkness, +blindly and regardless. The swearing of the cats was audible miles away, +while the fragrance of the dead dogs desolated seven provinces. + +How the battle might have resulted it is impossible to say, but when it +was at its fiercest the Federated Union of Old Maids came running down a +side street and sprang into the thickest of the fray. A moment later my +mother herself bore down upon the warring hosts, brandishing a cleaver, +and laid about her with great freedom and impartiality. My father joined +the fight, the municipal authorities engaged, and the general public, +converging on the battle-field from all points of the compass, consumed +itself in the center as it pressed in from the circumference. Last of +all, the dead held a meeting in the cemetery and resolving on a general +strike, began to destroy vaults, tombs, monuments, headstones, willows, +angels and young sheep in marble--everything they could lay their hands +on. By nightfall the living and the dead were alike exterminated, and +where the ancient and sacred city of Sardasa had stood nothing remained +but an excavation filled with dead bodies and building materials, shreds +of cat and blue patches of decayed dog. The place is now a vast pool of +stagnant water in the center of a desert. + +The stirring events of those few days constituted my industrial +education, and so well have I improved my advantages that I am now Chief +of Misrule to the Dukes of Disorder, an organization numbering thirteen +million American workingmen. + + + + +THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO + + +It was a wicked thing to do, certainly. I have often regretted it since, +and if the opportunity of doing so again were presented I should +hesitate a long time before embracing it. But I was young then, and +cherished a species of humor which I have since abjured. Still, when I +remember the character of the people who were burlesquing and bringing +into disrepute the letter and spirit of our holy religion I feel a +certain satisfaction in having contributed one feeble effort toward +making them ridiculous. In consideration of the little good I may have +done in that way, I beg the reader to judge my conceded error as +leniently as possible. This is the story. + +Some years ago the town of Harding, in Illinois, experienced "a revival +of religion," as the people called it. It would have been more accurate +and less profane to term it a revival of Rampageanism, for the craze +originated in, and was disseminated by, the sect which I will call the +Rampagean communion; and most of the leaping and howling was done in +that interest. Amongst those who yielded to the influence was my friend +Thomas Dobsho. Tom had been a pretty bad sinner in a small way, but he +went into this new thing heart and soul. At one of the meetings he made +a public confession of more sins than he ever was, or ever could have +been guilty of; stopping just short of statutory crimes, and even +hinting, significantly, that he could tell a good deal more if he were +pressed. He wanted to join the absurd communion the very evening of his +conversion. He wanted to join two or three communions. In fact, he was +so carried away with his zeal that some of the brethren gave me a hint +to take him home; he and I occupied adjoining apartments in the Elephant +Hotel. + +Tom's fervor, as it happened, came near defeating its own purpose; +instead of taking him at once into the fold without reference or +"character," which was their usual way, the brethren remembered against +him his awful confessions and put him on probation. But after a few +weeks, during which he conducted himself like a decent lunatic, it was +decided to baptise him along with a dozen other pretty hard cases who +had been converted more recently. This sacrilegious ceremony I persuaded +myself it was my duty to prevent, though I think now I erred as to the +means adopted. It was to take place on a Sunday, and on the preceding +Saturday I called on the head revivalist, the Rev. Mr. Swin, and craved +an interview. + +"I come," said I, with simulated reluctance and embarrassment, "in +behalf of my friend, Brother Dobsho, to make a very delicate and unusual +request. You are, I think, going to baptise him to-morrow, and I trust +it will be to him the beginning of a new and better life. But I don't +know if you are aware that his family are all Plungers, and that he is +himself tainted with the wicked heresy of that sect. So it is. He is, as +one might say in secular metaphor, 'on the fence' between their grievous +error and the pure faith of your church. It would be most melancholy if +he should get down on the wrong side. Although I confess with shame I +have not myself embraced the truth, I hope I am not too blind to see +where it lies." + +"The calamity that you apprehend," said the reverend lout, after solemn +reflection, "would indeed seriously affect our friend's interest and +endanger his soul. I had not expected Brother Dobsho so soon to give up +the good fight." + +"I think sir," I replied reflectively, "there is no fear of that if the +matter is skilfully managed. He is heartily with you--might I venture to +say with _us_--on every point but one. He favors immersion! He has been +so vile a sinner that he foolishly fears the more simple rite of your +church will not make him wet enough. Would you believe it? his +uninstructed scruples on the point are so gross and materialistic that +he actually suggested soaping himself as a preparatory ceremony! I +believe, however, if instead of sprinkling my friend, you would pour a +generous basinful of water on his head--but now that I think of it in +your enlightening presence I see that such a proceeding is quite out of +the question. I fear we must let matters take the usual course, trusting +to our later efforts to prevent the backsliding which may result." + +The parson rose and paced the floor a moment, then suggested that he'd +better see Brother Dobsho, and labor to remove his error. I told him I +thought not; I was sure it would not be best. Argument would only +confirm him in his prejudices. So it was settled that the subject should +not be broached in that quarter. It would have been bad for me if it had +been. + +When I reflect now upon the guile of that conversation, the falsehood of +my representations and the wickedness of my motive I am almost ashamed +to proceed with my narrative. Had the minister been other than an arrant +humbug, I hope I should never have suffered myself to make him the dupe +of a scheme so sacrilegious in itself, and prosecuted with so sinful a +disregard of honor. + +The memorable Sabbath dawned bright and beautiful. About nine o'clock +the cracked old bell, rigged up on struts before the "meeting-house," +began to clamor its call to service, and nearly the whole population of +Harding took its way to the performance. I had taken the precaution to +set my watch fifteen minutes fast. Tom was nervously preparing himself +for the ordeal. He fidgeted himself into his best suit an hour before +the time, carried his hat about the room in the most aimless and +demented way and consulted his watch a hundred times. I was to accompany +him to church, and I spent the time fussing about the room, doing the +most extraordinary things in the most exasperating manner--in short, +keeping up Tom's feverish excitement by every wicked device I could +think of. Within a half hour of the real time for service I suddenly +yelled out-- + +"O, I say, Tom; pardon me, but that head of yours is just frightful! +Please _do_ let me brush it up a bit!" + +Seizing him by the shoulders I thrust him into a chair with his face to +the wall, laid hold of his comb and brush, got behind him and went to +work. He was trembling like a child, and knew no more what I was doing +than if he had been brained. Now, Tom's head was a curiosity. His hair, +which was remarkably thick, was like wire. Being cut rather short it +stood out all over his scalp like the spines on a porcupine. It had been +a favorite complaint of Tom's that he never could do anything to that +head. I found no difficulty--I did something to it, though I blush to +think what it was. I did something which I feared he might discover if +he looked in the mirror, so I carelessly pulled out my watch, sprung it +open, gave a start and shouted-- + +"By Jove! Thomas--pardon the oath--but we're late. Your watch is all +wrong; look at mine! Here's your hat, old fellow; come along. There's +not a moment to lose!" + +Clapping his hat on his head, I pulled him out of the house, with actual +violence. In five minutes more we were in the meeting-house with ever so +much time to spare. + +The services that day, I am told, were specially interesting and +impressive, but I had a good deal else on my mind--was preoccupied, +absent, inattentive. They might have varied from the usual profane +exhibition in any respect and to any extent, and I should not have +observed it. The first thing I clearly perceived was a rank of +"converts" kneeling before the "altar," Tom at the left of the line. +Then the Rev. Mr. Swin approached him, thoughtfully dipping his fingers +into a small earthern bowl of water as if he had just finished dining. I +was much affected: I could see nothing distinctly for my tears. My +handkerchief was at my face--most of it inside. I was observed to sob +spasmodically, and I am abashed to think how many sincere persons +mistakenly followed my example. + +With some solemn words, the purport of which I did not quite make out, +except that they sounded like swearing, the minister stood before +Thomas, gave me a glance of intelligence and then with an innocent +expression of face, the recollection of which to this day fills me with +remorse, spilled, as if by accident, the entire contents of the bowl on +the head of my poor friend--that head into the hair of which I had +sifted a prodigal profusion of Seidlitz-powders! + +I confess it, the effect was magical--anyone who was present would tell +you that. Tom's pow simmered--it seethed--it foamed yeastily, and +slavered like a mad dog! It steamed and hissed, with angry spurts and +flashes! In a second it had grown bigger than a small snowbank, and +whiter. It surged, and boiled, and walloped, and overflowed, and +sputtered--sent off feathery flakes like down from a shot swan! The +froth poured creaming over his face, and got into his eyes. It was the +most sinful shampooing of the season! + +I cannot relate the commotion this produced, nor would I if I could. As +to Tom, he sprang to his feet and staggered out of the house, groping +his way between the pews, sputtering strangled profanity and gasping +like a stranded fish. The other candidates for baptism rose also, +shaking their pates as if to say, "No you don't, my hearty," and left +the house in a body. Amidst unbroken silence the minister reascended the +pulpit with the empty bowl in his hand, and was first to speak: + +"Brethren and sisters," said he with calm, deliberate evenness of tone, +"I have held forth in this tabernacle for many more years than I have +got fingers and toes, and during that time I have known not guile, nor +anger, nor any uncharitableness. As to Henry Barber, who put up this job +on me, I judge him not lest I be judged. Let him take _that_ and sin no +more!"--and he flung the earthern bowl with so true an aim that it was +shattered against my skull. The rebuke was not undeserved, I confess, +and I trust I have profited by it. + + + + +THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER + + +"It's all very well fer you Britishers to go assin' about the country +tryin' to strike the trail o' the mines you've salted down yer loose +carpital in," said Colonel Jackhigh, setting his empty glass on the +counter and wiping his lips with his coat sleeve; "but w'en it comes to +hoss racin', w'y I've got a cayuse ken lay over all the thurrerbreds yer +little mantel-ornyment of a island ever panned out--bet yer britches I +have! Talk about yer Durby winners--w'y this pisen little beast o' +mine'll take the bit in her teeth and show 'em the way to the horizon +like she was takin' her mornin' stroll and they was tryin' to keep an +eye on her to see she didn't do herself an injury--that's w'at she +would! And she haint never run a race with anything spryer'n an Injun in +all her life; she's a green amatoor, _she_ is!" + +"Oh, very well," said the Englishman with a quiet smile; "it is easy +enough to settle the matter. My animal is in tolerably good condition, +and if yours is in town we can have the race to-morrow for any stake you +like, up to a hundred dollars. + +"That's jest the figger," said the colonel; "dot it down, barkeep. But +it's like slarterin' the innocents," he added, half-remorsefully, as he +turned to leave; "it's bettin' on a dead sure thing--that's what it is! +If my cayuse knew wa't I was about she'd go and break a laig to make the +race a fair one." + +So it was arranged that the race was to come off at three o'clock the +next day, on the _mesa_, some distance from town. As soon as the news +got abroad, the whole population of Left Bower and vicinity knocked off +work and assembled in the various bars to discuss it. The Englishman and +his horse were general favorites, and aside from the unpopularity of the +colonel, nobody had ever seen his "cayuse." Still the element of +patriotism came in, making the betting very nearly even. + +A race-course was marked off on the _mesa_ and at the appointed hour +every one was there except the colonel. It was arranged that each man +should ride his own horse, and the Englishman, who had acquired +something of the free-and-easy bearing that distinguishes the "mining +sharp," was already atop of his magnificent animal, with one leg thrown +carelessly across the pommel of his Mexican saddle, as he puffed his +cigar with calm confidence in the result of the race. He was conscious, +too, that he possessed the secret sympathy of all, even of those who had +felt it their duty to bet against him. The judge, watch in hand, was +growing impatient, when the colonel appeared about a half-mile away, and +bore down upon the crowd. Everyone was eager to inspect his mount; and +such a mount as it proved to be was never before seen, even in Left +Bower! + +You have seen "perfect skeletons" of horses often enough, no doubt, but +this animal was not even a perfect skeleton; there were bones missing +here and there which you would not have believed the beast could have +spared. "Little" the colonel had called her! She was not an inch less +than eighteen hands high, and long out of all reasonable proportion. She +was so hollow in the back that she seemed to have been bent in a +machine. She had neither tail nor mane, and her neck, as long as a man, +stuck straight up into the air, supporting a head without ears. Her eyes +had an expression in them of downright insanity, and the muscles of her +face were afflicted with periodical convulsions that drew back the +corners of the mouth and wrinkled the upper lip so as to produce a +ghastly grin every two or three seconds. In color she was "claybank," +with great blotches of white, as if she had been pelted with small bags +of flour. The crookedness of her legs was beyond all comparison, and as +to her gait it was that of a blind camel walking diagonally across +innumerable deep ditches. Altogether she looked like the crude result of +Nature's first experiment in equifaction. + +As this libel on all horses shambled up to the starting post there was a +general shout; the sympathies of the crowd changed in the twinkling of +an eye! Everyone wanted to bet on her, and the Englishman himself was +only restrained from doing so by a sense of honor. It was growing late, +however, and the judge insisted on starting them. They got off very well +together, and seeing the mare was unconscionably slow the Englishman +soon pulled his animal in and permitted the ugly thing to pass him, so +as to enjoy a back view of her. That sealed his fate. The course had +been marked off in a circle of two miles in circumference and some +twenty feet wide, the limits plainly defined by little furrows. Before +the animals had gone a half mile both had been permitted to settle down +into a comfortable walk, in which they continued three-fourths of the +way round the ring. Then the Englishman thought it time to whip up and +canter in. + +But he didn't. As he came up alongside the "Lightning Express," as the +crowd had begun to call her, that creature turned her head diagonally +backward and let fall a smile. The encroaching beast stopped as if he +had been shot! His rider plied whip, and forced him again forward upon +the track of the equine hag, but with the same result. + +The Englishman was now alarmed; he struggled manfully with rein and whip +and shout, amidst the tremendous cheering and inextinguishable laughter +of the crowd, to force his animal past, now on this side, now on that, +but it would not do. Prompted by the fiend in the concavity of her back, +the unthinkable quadruped dropped her grins right and left with such +seasonable accuracy that again and again the competing beast was struck +"all of a heap" just at the moment of seeming success. And, finally, +when by a tremendous spurt his rider endeavored to thrust him by, within +half a dozen lengths of the winning post, the incarnate nightmare turned +squarely about and fixed upon him a portentous stare--delivering at the +same time a grimace of such prodigious ghastliness that the poor +thoroughbred, with an almost human scream of terror, wheeled about, and +tore away to the rear with the speed of the wind, leaving the colonel an +easy winner in twenty minutes and ten seconds. + + + + +THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +December 2, 1877._ + +I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my journey from +New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in Chicago, believe me, and +the Southron who comes here, as I did, without a relay of noses and ears +will have reason to regret his mistaken economy in arranging his outfit. + +To business. Lake Michigan is frozen stiff. Fancy, O child of a torrid +clime, a sheet of anybody's ice, three hundred miles long, forty broad, +and six feet thick! It sounds like a lie, Pikey dear, but your partner +in the firm of Hope & Wandel, Wholesale Boots and Shoes, New Orleans, is +never known to fib. My plan is to collar that ice. Wind up the present +business and send on the money at once. I'll put up a warehouse as big +as the Capitol at Washington, store it full and ship to your orders as +the Southern market may require. I can send it in planks for skating +floors, in statuettes for the mantel, in shavings for juleps, or in +solution for ice cream and general purposes. It is a big thing! + +I inclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such charming ice? + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +December 24, 1877._ + +Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and blurring that it +was entirely illegible. It must have come all the way by water. By the +aid of chemicals and photography, however, I have made it out. But you +forgot to inclose the sample of ice. + +I have sold off everything (at an alarming sacrifice, I am sorry to say) +and inclose draft for net amount. Shall begin to spar for orders at +once. I trust everything to you--but, I say, has anybody tried to grow +ice in _this_ vicinity? There is Lake Ponchartrain, you know. + + +_From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +February 27, 1878._ + +Wannie dear, it would do you good to see our new warehouse for the ice. +Though made of boards, and run up rather hastily, it is as pretty as a +picture, and cost a deal of money, though I pay no ground rent. It is +about as big as the Capitol at Washington. Do you think it ought to have +a steeple? I have it nearly filled--fifty men cutting and storing, day +and night--awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I wrote you +last was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't you worry; there is +plenty. + +Our warehouse is eight or ten miles out of town, so I am not much +bothered by visitors, which is a relief. Such a giggling, sniggering lot +you never saw! + +It seems almost too absurdly incredible, Wannie, but do you know I +believe this ice of ours gains in coldness as the warm weather comes on! +I do, indeed, and you may mention the fact in the advertisements. + + +_From Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, to Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, +March 7, 1878._ + +All goes well. I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a roaring trade as +"The New Orleans and Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company." But you have not +told me whether the ice is fresh or salt. If it is fresh it won't do for +cooking, and if it is salt it will spoil the mint juleps. + +Is it as cold in the middle as the outside cuts are? + + +_From Mr. Jebez Hope, from Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, +April 3, 1878._ + +Navigation on the Lakes is now open, and ships are thick as ducks. I'm +afloat, _en route_ for Buffalo, with the assets of the New Orleans and +Chicago Semperfrigid Ice Company in my vest pocket. We are busted out, +my poor Pikey--we are to fortune and to fame unknown. Arrange a meeting +of the creditors and don't attend. + +Last night a schooner from Milwaukee was smashed into match-wood on an +enormous mass of floating ice--the first berg ever seen in these waters. +It is described by the survivors as being about as big as the Capital at +Washington. One-half of that iceberg belongs to you, Pikey. + +The melancholy fact is, I built our warehouse on an unfavorable site, +about a mile out from the shore (on the ice, you understand), and when +the thaw came--O my God, Wannie, it was the saddest thing you ever saw +in all your life! You will be _so_ glad to know I was not in it at the +time. + +What a ridiculous question you ask me. My poor partner, you don't seem +to know very much about the ice business. + + + + +PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE + + +The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate instrument, +consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, which, decomposing the +light of any heavenly body to which the instrument is directed, presents +a spectrum, or long bar of color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and +bright lines produced by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby the +celestial orb's light is generated. From these dark and bright lines, +therefore, we ascertain all that is worth knowing about the composition +of the sun and stars. + +Now Ben had made some striking discoveries in spectroscopic analysis at +his private garden observatory, and had also an instrument of superior +power and capacity, invented, or at least much improved, by himself; and +this instrument it was that he and I were arranging for an examination +of the comet then flaming in the heavens. William sat by apparently +uninterested. Finally we had our arrangements for an observation +completed, and Ben said: "Now turn her on." + +"That reminds me," said William, "of a little story about Perry Chumly, +who--" + +"For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a hand on his +arm, "I must beg you not to relate it. The comet will in a few minutes +be behind the roof of yonder lodging house. We really have no time for +the story." + +"No," said Ben, "time presses; and, anyhow, I've heard it before." + +"This Perry Chumly," resumed William, "believed himself a born +astronomer, and always kept a bit of smoked glass. He was particularly +great on solar eclipses. I have known him to sit up all night looking +out for one." + +Ben had now got the spectroscope trained skyward to suit him, and in +order to exclude all irrelevant light had let down the window-blind on +the tube of it. The spectrum of the comet came out beautifully--a long +bar of color crossed with a lovely ruling of thin dark and bright lines, +the sight of which elicited from us an exclamation of satisfaction. + +"One day," continued William from his seat at another window, "some one +told Perry Chumly there would be an eclipse of the sun that afternoon at +three o'clock. Now Perry had recently read a story about some men who in +exploring a deep canon in the mountains had looked up from the bottom +and seen the stars shining at midday. It occurred to him that this +knowledge might be so utilized as to give him a fine view of the +eclipse, and enable him at the same time to see what the stars would +appear to think about it." + +"_This_," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines in the cometic +spectrum, "_this_ is produced by the vapor of carbon in the nucleus of +the heavenly visitant. You will observe that it differs but slightly +from the lines that come of volatilized iron. Examined with this +magnifying glass"--adjusting that instrument to his eye--"it will +probably show--by Jove!" he ejaculated, after a nearer view, "it isn't +carbon at all. _It is_ MEAT!" + +"Of course," proceeded William, "of course Perry Chumly did not have any +canon, so what did the fellow do but let himself down with his arms and +legs to the bottom of an old well, about thirty feet deep! And, with the +cold water up to his middle, and the frogs, pollywogs and aquatic +lizards quarreling for the cosy corners of his pockets, there he stood, +waiting for the sun to appear in the field of his 'instrument' and be +eclipsed." + +"Ben, you are joking," I remarked with some asperity; "you are taking +liberties with science, Benjamin. It _can't_ be meat, you know." + +"I tell you it _is_ though," was his excited reply; "it is just _meat_, +I tell you! And this other line, which at first I took for sodium, is +_bone_--bone, sir, or I'm an asteroid! I never saw the like; that comet +must be densely peopled with butchers and horse-knackers!" + +"When Perry Chumly had waited a long time," William went on to say, +"looking up and expecting every minute to see the sun, it began to get +into his mind, somehow, that the bright, circular opening above his +head--the mouth of the well--_was_ the sun, and that the black disk of +the moon was all that was needed to complete the expected phenomenon. +The notion soon took complete obsession of his brain, so that he forgot +where he was and imagined himself standing on the surface of the earth." + +I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum very closely, being +particularly attracted by a thin, faint line, which I thought Ben had +overlooked. + +"Oh, that is nothing," he explained; "that's a mere local fault arising +from conditions peculiar to the medium through which the light is +transmitted--the atmosphere of this neighborhood. It is whisky. This +other line, though, shows the faintest imaginable trace of soap; and +these uncertain, wavering ones are caused by some effluvium not in the +comet itself, but in the region beyond it. I am compelled to pronounce +it tobacco smoke. I will now tilt the instrument so as to get the +spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! there we have it. +Splendid!" + +"Now this old well," said William, "was near a road, along which was +traveling a big and particularly hideous nigger." + +"See here, Thomas," exclaimed Ben, removing the magnifying glass from +his eye and looking me earnestly in the face, "if I were to tell you +that the _coma_ of this eccentric heavenly body is really hair, as its +name implies, would you believe it?" + +"No, Ben, I certainly should not." + +"Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the lines--they speak for +themselves. But now that I look again, you are not entirely wrong: there +is a considerable admixture of jute, moss, and I think tallow. It +certainly is most remarkable! Sir Isaac Newton--" + +"That big nigger," drawled William, "felt thirsty, and seeing the mouth +of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket in it. So he ventured to +creep forward on his hands and knees and look in over the edge." + +Suddenly our spectrum vanished, and a very singular one of a quite +different appearance presented itself in the same place. It was a dim +spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of pale yellow. + +"Ah!" said Ben, "our waif of the upper deep is obscured by a cloud; let +us see what the misty veil is made of." + +He took a look at the spectrum with his magnifying glass, started back, +and muttered: "Brown linen, by thunder!" + +"You can imagine the rapture of Perry Chumly," pursued the indefatigable +William, "when he saw, as he supposed, the moon's black disk encroaching +upon the body of the luminary that had so long riveted his gaze. But +when that obscuring satellite had thrust herself so far forward that the +eclipse became almost annular, and he saw her staring down upon a +darkened world with glittering white eyes and a double row of flashing +teeth, it is perhaps not surprising that he vented a scream of terror, +fainted and collapsed among his frogs! As for the big nigger, almost +equally terrified by this shriek from the abyss, he executed a +precipitate movement which only the breaking of his neck prevented from +being a double back-somersault, and lay dead in the weeds with his +tongue out and his face the color of a cometic spectrum. We laid them in +the same grave, poor fellows, and on many a still summer evening +afterward I strayed to the lonely little church-yard to listen to the +smothered requiem chanted by the frogs that we had neglected to remove +from the pockets of the lamented astronomer. + +"And, now," added William, taking his heels from the window, "as you can +not immediately resume your spectroscopic observations on that +red-haired chamber-maid in the dormer-window, who pulled down the blind +when I made a mouth at her, I move that we adjourn." + + + + +A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION + + +Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The world of Mr. +Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one's world is likely to do +when one sits up till morning with jovial friends, to watch it, and he +was prone to resentment. No sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a +neat, fashionable suit of clothing than he selected his morning +walking-stick and sallied out upon the town with a vague general +determination to attack something. His first victim would naturally have +been his breakfast; but singularly enough, he fell upon this with so +feeble an energy that he was himself beaten--to the grieved astonishment +of the worthy _rotisseur_, who had to record his hitherto puissant +patron's maiden defeat. Three or four cups of _cafe noir_ were the only +captives that graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-wheels that morning. + +He lit a long cigar and sauntered moodily down the street, so occupied +with schemes of universal retaliation that his feet had it all their own +way; in consequence of which, their owner soon found himself in the +billiard-room of the Occidental Hotel. Nobody was there, but Mr. Jarvis +was a privileged person; so, going to the marker's desk, he took out a +little box of ivory balls, spilled them carelessly over a table and +languidly assailed them with a long stick. + +Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvelous stroke. Waiting +till the astonished balls had resumed their composure, he gathered them +up, replacing them in their former position. He tried the stroke again, +and, naturally, did not make it. Again he placed the balls, and again he +badly failed. With a vexed and humilated air he once more put the +indocile globes into position, leaned over the table and was upon the +point of striking, when there sounded a solemn voice from behind: + +"Bet you two bits you don't make it!" + +Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked at the speaker, +whom he found to be a stranger--one that most persons would prefer +should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made no reply. In the first place, +he was a man of aristocratic taste, to whom a wager of "two bits" was +simply vulgar. Secondly, the man who had proffered it evidently had not +the money. Still it is annoying to have one's skill questioned by one's +social inferiors, particularly when one has doubts of it oneself, and is +otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr. Jarvis stood his cue against the table, +laid off his fashionable morning-coat, resumed his stick, spread his +fine figure upon the table with his back to the ceiling and took +deliberate aim. + +At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is seen no more +forever. Persons of the class to which he adds lustre are sacred from +the pen of the humorist; they are ridiculous but not amusing. So now we +will dismiss this uninteresting young aristocrat, retaining merely his +outer shell, the fashionable morning-coat, which Mr. Stenner, the +gentleman, who had offered the wager, has quietly thrown across his arm +and is conveying away for his own advantage. + +An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at North Beach, +with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had already taken the +opinion of an eminent pawnbroker on its value, and it only remained to +search the pockets. Mr. Stenner's notions concerning gentlemen's coats +were not so clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were +that these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth of +bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was therefore disappointed +when his careful quest was rewarded with only a delicately perfumed +handkerchief, upon which he could not hope to obtain a loan of more than +ten cents; a pair of gloves too small for use and a bit of paper that +was not a cheque. A second look at this, however, inspired hope. It was +about the size of a flounder, ruled in wide lines, and bore in +conspicuous characters the words, "Western Union Telegraph Company." +Immediately below this interesting legend was much other printed matter, +the purport of which was that the company did not hold itself +responsible for the verbal accuracy of "the following message," and did +not consider itself either morally or legally bound to forward or +deliver it, nor, in short, to render any kind of service for the money +paid by the sender. + +Unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed that a +message subject to these hard conditions must be one of not only grave +importance, but questionable character. So he determined to decipher it +at that time and place. In the course of the day he succeeded in so +doing. It ran as follows, omitting the date and the names of persons and +places, which were, of course, quite illegible: + +"Buy Sally Meeker!" + +Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon Mr. Stenner +all at once it might have carried him away, which would not have been so +bad a thing for San Francisco; but as the meaning had to percolate +slowly through a dense dyke of ignorance, it produced no other immediate +effect than the exclamation, "Well, I'll be bust!" + +In the mouths of some persons this form of expression means a great +deal. On the Stenner tongue it signified the hopeless nature of the +Stenner mental confusion. + +It must be confessed--by persons outside a certain limited and sordid +circle--that the message lacks amplification and elaboration; in its +terse, bald diction there is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human +flesh, for which in California there is no market since the abolition of +slavery and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman suffrage +had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner would at +once have understood the kind of purchase advised; for in political +transactions he had very often changed hands himself. But it was all a +muddle, and resolving to dismiss the matter from his thoughts, he went +to bed thinking of nothing else; for many hours his excited imagination +would do nothing but purchase slightly damaged Sally Meekers by the +bale, and retail them to itself at an enormous profit. + +Next day, it flashed upon his memory who Sally Meeker was--a racing +mare! At this entirely obvious solution of the problem he was overcome +with amazement at his own sagacity. Rushing into the street he +purchased, not Sally Meeker, but a sporting paper--and in it found the +notice of a race which was to come off the following week; and, sure +enough, there it was: + +"Budd Doble enters g.g. Clipper; Bob Scotty enters b.g. Lightnin'; +Staley Tupper enters s.s. Upandust; Sim Salper enters b.m. Sally +Meeker." + +It was clear now; the sender of the dispatch was "in the know." Sally +Meeker was to win, and her owner, who did not know it, had offered her +for sale. At that supreme moment Mr. Stenner would willingly have been a +rich man! In fact he resolved to be. He at once betook him to Vallejo, +where he had lived until invited away by some influential citizens of +the place. There he immediately sought out an industrious friend who had +an amiable weakness for draw poker, and in whom Mr. Stenner regularly +encouraged that passion by going up against him every payday and +despoiling him of his hard earnings. He did so this time, to the sum of +one hundred dollars. + +No sooner had he raked in his last pool and refused his friend's appeal +for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for breakfast than he bought a +check on the Bank of California, enclosed it in a letter containing +merely the words "Bi Saly Meker," and dispatched it by mail to the only +clergyman in San Francisco whose name he knew. Mr. Stenner had a vague +notion that all kinds of business requiring strict honesty and fidelity +might be profitably intrusted to the clergy; otherwise what was the use +of religion? I hope I shall not be accused of disrespect to the cloth in +thus bluntly setting forth Mr. Stenner's estimate of the parsons, +inasmuch as I do not share it. + +This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's revelry; at +the end of which he worked his passage down to San Francisco to secure +his winnings on the race, and take charge of his peerless mare. It will +be observed that his notions concerning races were somewhat confused; +his experience of them had hitherto been confined to that branch of the +business requiring, not technical knowledge but manual dexterity. In +short, he had done no more than pick the pockets of the spectators. +Arrived at San Francisco he was hastening to the dwelling of his +clerical agent, when he met an acquaintance, to whom he put the +triumphant question, "How about Sally Meeker?" + +"Sally Meeker? Sally Meeker?" was the reply. "Oh, you mean the hoss? Why +she's gone up the flume. Broke her neck the first heat. But ole Sim +Salper is never a-goin' to fret hisself to a shadder about it. He struck +it pizen in the mine she was named a'ter and the stock's gone up from +nothin' out o' sight. You couldn't tech that stock with a ten-foot +pole!" + +Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error; the message in the +coat had evidently been sent to a broker, and referred to the stock of +the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, Stenner, was a ruined man! + +Suddenly a great, monstrous, misbegotten and unmentionable oath rolled +from Mr. Stenner's tongue like a cannon shot hurled along an uneven +floor! Might it not be that the Rev. Mr. Boltright had also +misunderstood the message, and had bought, not the mare, but the stock? +The thought was electrical: Mr. Stenner ran--he flew! He tarried not at +walls and the smaller sort of houses, but went through or over them! In +five minutes he stood before the good clergyman--and in one more had +asked, in a hoarse whisper, if he had bought any "Sally Meeker." + +"My good friend," was the bland reply--"my fellow traveler to the bar of +God, it would better comport with your spiritual needs to inquire what +you should do to be saved. But since you ask me, I will confess that +having received what I am compelled to regard as a Providential +intimation, accompanied with the secular means of obedience, I did put +up a small margin and purchase largely of the stock you mention. The +venture, I am constrained to state, was not wholly unprofitable." + +Unprofitable? The good man had made a square twenty-five thousand +dollars on that small margin! To conclude--he has it yet. + + + + +MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP + + +Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be hanged on +Friday, the ninth of November, at five o'clock in the afternoon. This +was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he was then in prison. +Jerome was my friend, and naturally I differed with the jury that had +convicted him as to the degree of guilt implied by the conceded fact +that he had shot an Indian without direct provocation. Ever since his +trial I had been endeavoring to influence the Governor of the State to +grant a pardon; but public sentiment was against me, a fact which I +attributed partly to the innate pigheadness of the people, and partly to +the recent establishment of churches and schools which had corrupted the +primitive notions of a frontier community. But I labored hard and +unremittingly by all manner of direct and indirect means during the +whole period in which Jerome lay under sentence of death; and on the +very morning of the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me, +and saying "he did not purpose being worried by my importunities all +winter," handed me the document which he had so often refused. + +Armed with the precious paper, I flew to the telegraph office to send a +dispatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found the operator locking the +door of the office and putting up the shutters. I pleaded in vain; he +said he was going to see the hanging, and really had no time to send my +message. I must explain that Flatbroke was fifteen miles away; I was +then at Swan Creek, the State capital. + +The operator being inexorable, I ran to the railroad station to see how +soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The station man, with cool +and polite malice, informed me that all the employees of the road had +been given a holiday to see Jerome Bowles hanged, and had already gone +by an early train; that there would be no other train till the next day. + +I was now furious, but the station man quietly turned me out, locking +the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I ordered a horse. Why +prolong the record of my disappointment? Not a horse could I get in that +town; all had been engaged weeks before to take people to the hanging. +So everybody said, at least, though I now know there was a rascally +conspiracy to defeat the ends of mercy, for the story of the pardon had +got abroad. + +It was now ten o'clock. I had only seven hours in which to do my fifteen +miles afoot; but I was an excellent walker and thoroughly angry; there +was no doubt of my ability to make the distance, with an hour to spare. +The railway offered the best chance; it ran straight as a string across +a level, treeless prairie, whereas the highway made a wide detour by way +of another town. + +I took to the track like a Modoc on the war path. Before I had gone a +half-mile I was overtaken by "That Jim Peasley," as he was called in +Swan Creek, an incurable practical joker, loved and shunned by all who +knew him. He asked me as he came up if I were "going to the show." +Thinking it was best to dissemble, I told him I was, but said nothing of +my intention to stop the performance; I thought it would be a lesson to +That Jim to let him walk fifteen miles for nothing, for it was clear +that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on ahead or drop +behind. But he could not very well do the former, and would not do the +latter; so we trudged on together. It was a cloudy day and very sultry +for that time of the year. The railway stretched away before us, between +its double row of telegraph poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a +point at the horizon. On either hand the disheartening monotony of the +prairie was unbroken. + +I thought little of these things, however, for my mental exaltation was +proof against the depressing influence of the scene. I was about to save +the life of my friend--to restore a crack shot to society. Indeed I +scarcely thought of That Jim, whose heels were grinding the hard gravel +close behind me, except when he saw fit occasionally to propound the +sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?" Of course I was, +but I would have died rather than confess it. + +We had gone in this way, about half the distance, probably, in much less +than half the seven hours, and I was getting my second wind, when That +Jim again broke the silence. + +"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?" + +This was quite true! in a season of pecuniary depression I had once put +my legs into my stomach--had turned my athletic accomplishments to +financial advantage. It was not a pleasant topic, and I said nothing. +That Jim persisted. + +"Wouldn't like to do a feller a somersault now, eh?" + +The mocking tongue of this jeer was intolerable; the fellow evidently +considered me "done up," so taking a short run I clapped my hands to my +thighs and executed as pretty a flip-flap as ever was made without a +springboard! At the moment I came erect with my head still spinning, I +felt That Jim crowd past me, giving me a twirl that almost sent me off +the track. A moment later he had dashed ahead at a tremendous pace, +laughing derisively over his shoulder as if he had done a remarkably +clever thing to gain the lead. + +I was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I must +confess the fellow could walk amazingly. In half an hour I had run past +him, and at the end of the hour, such was my slashing gait, he was a +mere black dot in my rear, and appeared to be sitting on one of the +rails, thoroughly used up. + +Relieved of Mr. Peasley, I naturally began thinking of my poor friend in +the Flatbroke jail, and it occurred to me that something might happen to +hasten the execution. I knew the feeling of the country against him, and +that many would be there from a distance who would naturally wish to get +home before nightfall. Nor could I help admitting to myself that five +o'clock was an unreasonably late hour for a hanging. Tortured with these +fears, I unconsciously increased my pace with every step, until it was +almost a run. I stripped off my coat and flung it away, opened my +collar, and unbuttoned my waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming +like a locomotive engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers on the +outskirts of the town, and flourished the pardon crazily above my head, +yelling, "Cut him down!--cut him down!" + +Then, as every one stared in blank amazement and nobody said anything, I +found time to look about me, marveling at the oddly familiar appearance +of the town. As I looked, the houses, streets, and everything seemed to +undergo a sudden and mysterious transposition with reference to the +points of the compass, as if swinging round on a pivot; and like one +awakened from a dream I found myself among accustomed scenes. To be +plain about it, I was back again in Swan Creek, as right as a trivet! + +It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The designing rascal had +provoked me to throw a confusing somersault, then bumped against me, +turning me half round, and started on the back track, thereby inciting +me to hook it in the same direction. The cloudy day, the two lines of +telegraph poles, one on each side of the track, the entire sameness of +the landscape to the right and left--these had all conspired to prevent +my observing that I had put about. + +When the excursion train returned from Flatbroke that evening the +passengers were told a little story at my expense. It was just what they +needed to cheer them up a bit after what they had seen; for that +flip-flap of mine had broken the neck of Jerome Bowles seven miles away! + + + + +THE LITTLE STORY + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_A Supernumerary Editor. A Probationary Contributor_. + +SCENE--"_The Expounder" Office_. + +PROBATIONARY CONTRIBUTOR--Editor in? + +SUPERNUMERARY EDITOR--Dead. + +P.C.--The gods favor me. (_Produces roll of manuscript_.) Here is a +little story, which I will read to you. + +S.E.--O, O! + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "It was the last night of the year--a naughty, noxious, +offensive night. In the principal street of San Francisco"-- + +S.E.--Confound San Francisco! + +P.C.--It had to be somewhere. (_Reads_.) + +"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small female orphan, +marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare feet imprinted cold +kisses on the paving-stones as she put them down and drew them up +alternately. The chilling rain was having a good time with her scalp, +and toyed soppily with her hair--her own hair. The night-wind shrewdly +searched her tattered garments, as if it had suspected her of smuggling. +She saw crowds of determined-looking persons grimly ruining themselves +in toys and confectionery for the dear ones at home, and she wished she +was in a position to ruin a little--just a little. Then, as the happy +throng sped by her with loads of things to make the children sick, she +leaned against an iron lamp-post in front of a bake-shop and turned on +the wicked envy. She thought, poor thing, she would like to be a +cake--for this little girl was very hungry indeed. Then she tried again, +and thought she would like to be a tart with smashed fruit inside; then +she would be warmed over every day and nobody would eat her. For the +child was cold as well as hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and +thought she could be very well content as an oven; for then she would be +kept always hot, and bakers would put all manner of good things into her +with a long shovel." + +S.E.--I've read that somewhere. + +P.C.--Very likely. This little story has never been rejected by any +paper to which I have offered it. It gets better, too, every time I +write it. When it first appeared in _Veracity_ the editor said it cost +him a hundred subscribers. Just mark the improvement! (_Reads_.) + +"The hours glided by--except a few that froze to the pavement--until +midnight. The streets were now deserted, and the almanac having +predicted a new moon about this time, the lamps had been conscientiously +extinguished. Suddenly a great globe of sound fell from an adjacent +church-tower, and exploded on the night with a deep metallic boom. Then +all the clocks and bells began ringing-in the New Year--pounding and +banging and yelling and finishing off all the nervous invalids left over +from the preceding Sunday. The little orphan started from her dream, +leaving a small patch of skin on the frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin +blue hands and looked upward, 'with mad disquietude,'"-- + +S.E.--In _The Monitor_ it was "with covetous eyes." + +P.C.--I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, Byron. (_Reads._) + +"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently from the +clouds." + +S.E.--How about those angels? + +P.C.--The editor of _Good Will_ cut 'em out. He said San Francisco was +no place for them; and I don't believe---- + +S.E.--There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little story. + +P.C.--(_Reads_.) "As she stooped to take up the tart a veal sandwich +came whizzing down, and cuffed one of her ears. Next a wheaten loaf made +her dodge nimbly, and then a broad ham fell flat-footed at her toes. A +sack of flour burst in the middle of the street; a side of bacon impaled +itself on an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a chain of sausages fell in +a circle around her, flattening out as if a road-roller had passed over +them. Then there was a lull--nothing came down but dried fish, cold +puddings and flannel under-clothing; but presently her wishes began to +take effect again, and a quarter of beef descended with terrific +momentum upon the top of the little orphan's head." + +S.E.--How did the editor of _The Reasonable Virtues_ like that quarter +of beef? + +P.C.--Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck in a few dressed +pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I don't want outsiders +altering the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so. Bedding, +shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of onions, quantities of +loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic fowls, crates of crockery and +glassware, assorted house-keeping things, cooking ranges, and tons of +coal poured down in broad cataracts from a bounteous heaven, piling +themselves above that infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was +more than two hours in clearing up; and as late as half-past three a +ponderous hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and Kearney +Streets, with an impact that shook the peninsula like an earthquake and +stopped every clock in town. + +"At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with shovels and +wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year was an hour old, they +had provided for all of these provisions--had stowed them away in their +cellars, and nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready for sale to +the deserving poor." + +S.E.--And the little girl--what became of _her_? + +P.C.--You musn't get ahead of the Little Story. (_Reads_.) + +"When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had not been +content with her lot some one brought a broom, and she was carefully +swept and smoothed out. Then they lifted her tenderly, and carried her +to the coroner. That functionary was standing in the door of his office, +and with a deprecatory wave of his hand, he said to the man who was +bearing her: + +"'There, go away, my good fellow; there was a man here three times +yesterday trying to sell me just such a map.'" + + + + +THE PARENTICIDE CLUB + + + + +MY FAVORITE MURDER + + +Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I +was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In +charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that it +was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called upon to +explain away. + +At this, my attorney rose and said: + +"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by +comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's +previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense (if +offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender forbearance +and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim. The appalling +ferocity of the former assassination was indeed inconsistent with any +hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the +honorable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a life +insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which my client +held a policy, it is hard to see how he could decently have been +acquitted. If your Honor would like to hear about it for instruction and +guidance of your Honor's mind, this unfortunate man, my client, will +consent to give himself the pain of relating it under oath." + +The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statement +would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is +closed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three years +ago, in the spring of 1881." + +"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in the Court +of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in your favor. +But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled." + +"I except," said the district attorney. + +"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that in order +to take an exception you must first get this case transferred for a time +to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion duly supported by +affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessor in office was +denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the +prisoner." + +The customary oath having been administered, I made the following +statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of the +comparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that he +made no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply +instructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stain +upon my reputation: + +"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputable +parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in my +later years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled near +Nigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyond +the dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his +increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his +disposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad event +for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a genuine +hilarity. + +"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preacher +came along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodging that +we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that, praise +God, we were all converted to religion. My father at once sent for his +brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival turned +over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise nor +plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a sawed-off shotgun, +and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks. The family then +moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house. It was called 'The Saints' +Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each night began with prayer. It +was there that my now sainted mother, by her grace in the dance, +acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.' + +"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road to +Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were four other +passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom I +identified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage. +Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers. I +acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in line with +the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to be deprived of +forty dollars and a gold watch. From my behavior no one could have +suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave the entertainment. A few +days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked for the return of my +money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they knew nothing of the +matter, and they affected a belief that my father and I had done the job +ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial good faith. Uncle William +even threatened to retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at +Ghost Rock. As 'The Saints' Rest' had become rather unpopular, I saw +that this would assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so I +told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the past if he would take +me into the scheme and keep the partnership a secret from my father. +This fair offer he rejected, and I then perceived that it would be +better and more satisfactory if he were dead. + +"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them to my +dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval. My +father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised that although her +religion forbade her to assist in taking human life I should have the +advantage of her prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure +looking to my security in case of detection I made an application for +membership in that powerful order, the Knights of Murder, and in due +course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock commandery. On the day +that my probation ended I was for the first time permitted to inspect +the records of the order and learn who belonged to it--all the rites of +initiation having been conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in +looking over the roll of membership; I found the third name to be that +of my uncle, who indeed was junior vice-chancellor of the order! Here +was an opportunity exceeding my wildest dreams--to murder I could add +insubordination and treachery. It was what my good mother would have +called 'a special Providence.' + +"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy, +already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss. +Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stage +robbery in which I had lost my money and watch. They were brought to +trial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt upon +three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock, +convicted on the clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton and +reasonless as I could wish. + +"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going over to my +uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his wife, if he +were at home, adding that I had come to kill him. My aunt replied with +her peculiar smile that so many gentleman called on that errand and were +afterward carried away without having performed it that I must excuse +her for doubting my good faith in the matter. She said I did not look as +if I would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith I leveled my rifle +and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing the house. She said +she knew whole families that could do a thing of that kind, but Bill +Ridley was a horse of another color. She said, however, that I would +find him over on the other side of the creek in the sheep lot; and she +added that she hoped the best man would win. + +"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I have ever +met. + +"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a sheep. Seeing +that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had not the heart to shoot +him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly and struck him a +powerful blow on the head with the butt of my rifle. I have a very good +delivery and Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled over on his +back, spread out his fingers and shivered. Before he could recover the +use of his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using and cut his +hamstrings. You know, doubtless, that when you sever the _tendo +Achillis_ the patient has no further use of his leg; it is just the same +as if he had no leg. Well, I parted them both, and when he revived he +was at my service. As soon as he comprehended the situation, he said: + +"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be generous. I +have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that you carry me to the +house and finish me in the bosom of my family.' + +"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I would do so +if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he would be easier to +carry that way and if we were seen by the neighbors _en route_ it would +cause less remark. He agreed to that, and going to the barn I got a +sack. This, however, did not fit him; it was too short and much wider +than he; so I bent his legs, forced his knees up against his breast and +got him into it that way, tying the sack above his head. He was a heavy +man and I had all that I could do to get him on my back, but I staggered +along for some distance until I came to a swing that some of the +children had suspended to the branch of an oak. Here I laid him down and +sat upon him to rest, and the sight of the rope gave me a happy +inspiration. In twenty minutes my uncle, still in the sack, swung free +to the sport of the wind. + +"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the mouth of the +bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled him up about five feet +from the ground. Fastening the other end of the rope also about the +mouth of the sack, I had the satisfaction to see my uncle converted into +a large, fine pendulum. I must add that he was not himself entirely +aware of the nature of the change that he had undergone in his relation +to the exterior world, though in justice to a good man's memory I ought +to say that I do not think he would in any case have wasted much of my +time in vain remonstrance. + +"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region as a +fighter. It was in a state of chronic constitutional indignation. Some +deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition and it had +declared war upon the whole world. To say that it would butt anything +accessible is but faintly to express the nature and scope of its +military activity: the universe was its antagonist; its methods that of +a projectile. It fought like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving +the atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and descending +upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence to make the most of +its velocity and weight. Its momentum, calculated in foot-tons, was +something incredible. It had been seen to destroy a four year old bull +by a single impact upon that animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had +ever been known to resist its downward swoop; there were no trees tough +enough to stay it; it would splinter them into matchwood and defile +their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible and implacable +brute--this incarnate thunderbolt--this monster of the upper deep, I had +seen reposing in the shade of an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of +conquest and glory. It was with a view to summoning it forth to the +field of honor that I suspended its master in the manner described. + +"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the avuncular pendulum +a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover behind a contiguous rock, +lifted up my voice in a long rasping cry whose diminishing final note +was drowned in a noise like that of a swearing cat, which emanated from +the sack. Instantly that formidable sheep was upon its feet and had +taken in the military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had +approached, stamping, to within fifty yards of the swinging foeman, who, +now retreating and anon advancing, seemed to invite the fray. Suddenly I +saw the beast's head drop earthward as if depressed by the weight of its +enormous horns; then a dim, white, wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself +from that spot in a generally horizontal direction to within about four +yards of a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck sharply +upward, and before it had faded from my gaze at the place whence it had +set out I heard a horrid thump and a piercing scream, and my poor uncle +shot forward, with a slack rope higher than the limb to which he was +attached. Here the rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and +back he swung in a breathless curve to the other end of his arc. The ram +had fallen, a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and horns, but +pulling itself together and dodging as its antagonist swept downward it +retired at random, alternately shaking its head and stamping its +fore-feet. When it had backed about the same distance as that from which +it had delivered the assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in +prayer for victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before--a +prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a sharp +ascension. Its course this time was at a right angle to its former one, +and its impatience so great that it struck the enemy before he had +nearly reached the lowest point of his arc. In consequence he went +flying round and round in a horizontal circle whose radius was about +equal to half the length of the rope, which I forgot to say was nearly +twenty feet long. His shrieks, _crescendo_ in approach and _diminuendo_ +in recession, made the rapidity of his revolution more obvious to the +ear than to the eye. He had evidently not yet been struck in a vital +spot. His posture in the sack and the distance from the ground at which +he hung compelled the ram to operate upon his lower extremities and the +end of his back. Like a plant that has struck its root into some +poisonous mineral, my poor uncle was dying slowly upward. + +"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again retired. The +fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain was intoxicated with +the wine of strife. Like a pugilist who in his rage forgets his skill +and fights ineffectively at half-arm's length, the angry beast +endeavored to reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he +passed overhead, sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly, +but more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as +the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in scope and +diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the ground, these tactics +produced better results, eliciting a superior quality of screams, which +I greatly enjoyed. + +"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram suspended +hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling and smoothing its +great aquiline nose, and occasionally cropping a bunch of grass and +slowly munching it. It seemed to have tired of war's alarms and resolved +to beat the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. +Steadily it held its course away from the field of fame until it had +gained a distance of nearly a quarter of a mile. There it stopped and +stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently half +asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of its head, as +if its apathy were more affected than real. + +"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his motion, and +nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and at long intervals my +name, uttered in pleading tones exceedingly grateful to my ear. +Evidently the man had not the faintest notion of what was being done to +him, and was inexpressibly terrified. When Death comes cloaked in +mystery he is terrible indeed. Little by little my uncle's oscillations +diminished, and finally he hung motionless. I went to him and was about +to give him the _coup de grace_, when I heard and felt a succession of +smart shocks which shook the ground like a series of light earthquakes, +and turning in the direction of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust +approaching me with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect! At a +distance of some thirty yards away it stopped short, and from the near +end of it rose into the air what I at first thought a great white bird. +Its ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that I could not realize +its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in admiration of its grace. To +this day the impression remains that it was a slow, deliberate movement, +the ram--for it was that animal--being upborne by some power other than +its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages of its +flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes followed its progress +through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all the greater by contrast +with my former terror of its approach by land. Onward and upward the +noble animal sailed, its head bent down almost between its knees, its +fore-feet thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of +a soaring heron. + +"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection presents it to +view, it attained its zenith and appeared to remain an instant +stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward without altering the relative +position of its parts, it shot downward on a steeper and steeper course +with augmenting velocity, passed immediately above me with a noise like +the rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle almost squarely on +the top of the head! So frightful was the impact that not only the man's +neck was broken, but the rope too; and the body of the deceased, forced +against the earth, was crushed to pulp beneath the awful front of that +meteoric sheep! The concussion stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand +and Dutch Dan's, and Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in +matters seismic, who happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained +that the vibrations were from north to southwest. + +"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of artistic atrocity +my murder of Uncle William has seldom been excelled." + + + + +OIL OF DOG + + +My name is Boffer Bings. I was born of honest parents in one of the +humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of dog-oil and my +mother having a small studio in the shadow of the village church, where +she disposed of unwelcome babes. In my boyhood I was trained to habits +of industry; I not only assisted my father in procuring dogs for his +vats, but was frequently employed by my mother to carry away the debris +of her work in the studio. In performance of this duty I sometimes had +need of all my natural intelligence for all the law officers of the +vicinity were opposed to my mother's business. They were not elected on +an opposition ticket, and the matter had never been made a political +issue; it just happened so. My father's business of making dog-oil was, +naturally, less unpopular, though the owners of missing dogs sometimes +regarded him with suspicion, which was reflected, to some extent, upon +me. My father had, as silent partners, all the physicians of the town, +who seldom wrote a prescription which did not contain what they were +pleased to designate as _Ol. can_. It is really the most valuable +medicine ever discovered. But most persons are unwilling to make +personal sacrifices for the afflicted, and it was evident that many of +the fattest dogs in town had been forbidden to play with me--a fact +which pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near driving +me to become a pirate. + +Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, that by +indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I was the author +of misfortunes profoundly affecting my future. + +One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the body of a +foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable who seemed to be +closely watching my movements. Young as I was, I had learned that a +constable's acts, of whatever apparent character, are prompted by the +most reprehensible motives, and I avoided him by dodging into the oilery +by a side door which happened to stand ajar. I locked it at once and was +alone with my dead. My father had retired for the night. The only light +in the place came from the furnace, which glowed a deep, rich crimson +under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on the walls. Within +the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent ebullition, occasionally +pushing to the surface a piece of dog. Seating myself to wait for the +constable to go away, I held the naked body of the foundling in my lap +and tenderly stroked its short, silken hair. Ah, how beautiful it was! +Even at that early age I was passionately fond of children, and as I +looked upon this cherub I could almost find it in my heart to wish that +the small, red wound upon its breast--the work of my dear mother--had +not been mortal. + +It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river which nature had +thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but that night I did not dare to +leave the oilery for fear of the constable. "After all," I said to +myself, "it cannot greatly matter if I put it into this cauldron. My +father will never know the bones from those of a puppy, and the few +deaths which may result from administering another kind of oil for the +incomparable _ol. can_. are not important in a population which +increases so rapidly." In short, I took the first step in crime and +brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into the cauldron. + +The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing his hands with +satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he had obtained the finest +quality of oil that was ever seen; that the physicians to whom he had +shown samples had so pronounced it. He added that he had no knowledge as +to how the result was obtained; the dogs had been treated in all +respects as usual, and were of an ordinary breed. I deemed it my duty to +explain--which I did, though palsied would have been my tongue if I +could have foreseen the consequences. Bewailing their previous ignorance +of the advantages of combining their industries, my parents at once took +measures to repair the error. My mother removed her studio to a wing of +the factory building and my duties in connection with the business +ceased; I was no longer required to dispose of the bodies of the small +superfluous, and there was no need of alluring dogs to their doom, for +my father discarded them altogether, though they still had an honorable +place in the name of the oil. So suddenly thrown into idleness, I might +naturally have been expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did +not. The holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect +me from the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a deacon in +a church. Alas, that through my fault these estimable persons should +have come to so bad an end! + +Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now devoted herself +to it with a new assiduity. She removed not only superfluous and +unwelcome babes to order, but went out into the highways and byways, +gathering in children of a larger growth, and even such adults as she +could entice to the oilery. My father, too, enamored of the superior +quality of oil produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and zeal. +The conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in short, the one +passion of their lives--an absorbing and overwhelming greed took +possession of their souls and served them in place of a hope in +Heaven--by which, also, they were inspired. + +So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting was held and +resolutions passed severely censuring them. It was intimated by the +chairman that any further raids upon the population would be met in a +spirit of hostility. My poor parents left the meeting broken-hearted, +desperate and, I believe, not altogether sane. Anyhow, I deemed it +prudent not to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside +in a stable. + +At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise and peer +through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew my father now +slept. The fires were burning as brightly as if the following day's +harvest had been expected to be abundant. One of the large cauldrons was +slowly "walloping" with a mysterious appearance of self-restraint, as if +it bided its time to put forth its full energy. My father was not in +bed; he had risen in his nightclothes and was preparing a noose in a +strong cord. From the looks which he cast at the door of my mother's +bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in mind. Speechless and +motionless with terror, I could do nothing in prevention or warning. +Suddenly the door of my mother's apartment was opened, noiselessly, and +the two confronted each other, both apparently surprised. The lady, +also, was in her night clothes, and she held in her right hand the tool +of her trade, a long, narrow-bladed dagger. + +She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit which the +unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had left her. For one +instant they looked into each other's blazing eyes and then sprang +together with indescribable fury. Round and round the room they +struggled, the man cursing, the woman shrieking, both fighting like +demons--she to strike him with the dagger, he to strangle her with his +great bare hands. I know not how long I had the unhappiness to observe +this disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at last, after a +more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants suddenly moved +apart. + +My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences of contact. +For another instant they glared at each other in the most unamiable way; +then my poor, wounded father, feeling the hand of death upon him, leaped +forward, unmindful of resistance, grasped my dear mother in his arms, +dragged her to the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his +failing energies, and sprang in with her! In a moment, both had +disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee of +citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to the public +meeting. + +Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every avenue to an +honorable career in that town, I removed to the famous city of Otumwee, +where these memoirs are written with a heart full of remorse for a +heedless act entailing so dismal a commercial disaster. + + + + +AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION + + +Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father--an act which made a +deep impression on me at the time. This was before my marriage, while I +was living with my parents in Wisconsin. My father and I were in the +library of our home, dividing the proceeds of a burglary which we had +committed that night. These consisted of household goods mostly, and the +task of equitable division was difficult. We got on very well with the +napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware was parted pretty +nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that when you try to divide +a single music-box by two without a remainder you will have trouble. It +was that music-box which brought disaster and disgrace upon our family. +If we had left it my poor father might now be alive. + +It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of workmanship--inlaid with +costly woods and carven very curiously. It would not only play a great +variety of tunes, but would whistle like a quail, bark like a dog, crow +every morning at daylight whether it was wound up or not, and break the +Ten Commandments. It was this last mentioned accomplishment that won my +father's heart and caused him to commit the only dishonorable act of his +life, though possibly he would have committed more if he had been +spared: he tried to conceal that music-box from me, and declared upon +his honor that he had not taken it, though I knew very well that, so far +as he was concerned, the burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the +purpose of obtaining it. + +My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had worn cloaks +by way of disguise. He had solemnly assured me that he did not take it. +I knew that he did, and knew something of which he was evidently +ignorant; namely, that the box would crow at daylight and betray him if +I could prolong the division of profits till that time. All occurred as +I wished: as the gaslight began to pale in the library and the shape of +the windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long cock-a-doodle-doo +came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak, followed by a few bars of +an aria from _Tannhauser_, ending with a loud click. A small hand-axe, +which we had used to break into the unlucky house, lay between us on the +table; I picked it up. The old man seeing that further concealment was +useless took the box from under his cloak and set it on the table. "Cut +it in two if you prefer that plan," said he; "I tried to save it from +destruction." + +He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play the concertina +with expression and feeling. + +I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it would be +presumptuous in me to sit in judgment on my father. But business is +business, and with this axe I am going to effect a dissolution of our +partnership unless you will consent in all future burglaries to wear a +bell-punch." + +"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do that; it would +look like a confession of dishonesty. People would say that you +distrusted me." + +I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for a moment I +was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, but a glance at the +richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, as I said, I removed the old +man from this vale of tears. Having done so, I was a trifle uneasy. Not +only was he my father--the author of my being--but the body would be +certainly discovered. It was now broad daylight and my mother was likely +to enter the library at any moment. Under the circumstances, I thought +it expedient to remove her also, which I did. Then I paid off all the +servants and discharged them. + +That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what I had done +and asked his advice. It would be very painful to me if the facts became +publicly known. My conduct would be generally condemned; the newspapers +would bring it up against me if ever I should run for office. The chief +saw the force of these considerations; he was himself an assassin of +wide experience. After consulting with the presiding judge of the Court +of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to conceal the bodies in one of +the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on the house and burn it down. This +I proceeded to do. + +In the library was a book-case which my father had recently purchased of +some cranky inventor and had not filled. It was in shape and size +something like the old-fashioned "wardrobes" which one sees in bed-rooms +without closets, but opened all the way down, like a woman's +night-dress. It had glass doors. I had recently laid out my parents and +they were now rigid enough to stand erect; so I stood them in this +book-case, from which I had removed the shelves. I locked them in and +tacked some curtains over the glass doors. The inspector from the +insurance office passed a half-dozen times before the case without +suspicion. + +That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house and started +through the woods to town, two miles away, where I managed to be found +about the time the excitement was at its height. With cries of +apprehension for the fate of my parents, I joined the rush and arrived +at the fire some two hours after I had kindled it. The whole town was +there as I dashed up. The house was entirely consumed, but in one end of +the level bed of glowing embers, bolt upright and uninjured, was that +book-case! The curtains had burned away, exposing the glass-doors, +through which the fierce, red light illuminated the interior. There +stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and at his side the +partner of his joys and sorrows. Not a hair of them was singed, their +clothing was intact. On their heads and throats the injuries which in +the accomplishment of my designs I had been compelled to inflict were +conspicuous. As in the presence of a miracle, the people were silent; +awe and terror had stilled every tongue. I was myself greatly affected. + + +Some three years later, when the events herein related had nearly faded +from my memory, I went to New York to assist in passing some counterfeit +United States bonds. Carelessly looking into a furniture store one day, +I saw the exact counterpart of that bookcase. "I bought it for a trifle +from a reformed inventor," the dealer explained. "He said it was +fireproof, the pores of the wood being filled with alum under hydraulic +pressure and the glass made of asbestos. I don't suppose it is really +fireproof--you can have it at the price of an ordinary book-case." + +"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't take it"--and +I bade him good morning. + +I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories that were +exceedingly disagreeable. + + + + +THE HYPNOTIST + + +By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes amuse myself +with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred phenomena, I am frequently +asked if I have a clear conception of the nature of whatever principle +underlies them. To this question I always reply that I neither have nor +desire to have. I am no investigator with an ear at the key-hole of +Nature's workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity to steal the secrets of +her trade. The interests of science are as little to me as mine seem to +have been to science. + +Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and in no way +transcend our powers of comprehension if only we could find the clew; +but for my part I prefer not to find it, for I am of a singularly +romantic disposition, deriving more gratification from mystery than from +knowledge. It was commonly remarked of me when I was a child that my big +blue eyes appeared to have been made rather to look into than look out +of--such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent periods of +abstraction, their indifference to what was going on. In those +peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, the soul which lies +behind them, always more intent upon some lovely conception which it has +created in its own image than concerned about the laws of nature and the +material frame of things. All this, irrelevant and egotistic as it may +seem, is related by way of accounting for the meagreness of the light +that I am able to throw upon a subject that has engaged so much of my +attention, and concerning which there is so keen and general a +curiosity. With my powers and opportunities, another person might +doubtless have an explanation for much of what I present simply as +narrative. + +My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to me in my +fourteenth year, when at school. Happening one day to have forgotten to +bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly at that of a small girl +who was preparing to eat hers. Looking up, her eyes met mine and she +seemed unable to withdraw them. After a moment of hesitancy she came +forward in an absent kind of way and without a word surrendered her +little basket with its tempting contents and walked away. Inexpressibly +pleased, I relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket. After that I had +not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that little girl was my +daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying my simple need from +her frugal store I combined pleasure and profit by constraining her +attendance at the feast and making misleading proffer of the viands, +which eventually I consumed to the last fragment. The girl was always +persuaded that she had eaten all herself; and later in the day her +tearful complaints of hunger surprised the teacher, entertained the +pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and filled me with a +peace past understanding. + +A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory condition of +things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of the luncheon, for +example, had to be made at some distance from the madding crowd, in a +wood; and I blush to think of the many other unworthy subterfuges +entailed by the situation. As I was (and am) naturally of a frank and +open disposition, these became more and more irksome, and but for the +reluctance of my parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new +_regime_ I would gladly have reverted to the old. The plan that I +finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of my own powers +excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and that part of it which +consisted in the death of the girl was severely condemned, but it is +hardly pertinent to the scope of this narrative. + +For some years afterward I had little opportunity to practice hypnotism; +such small essays as I made at it were commonly barren of other +recognition than solitary confinement on a bread-and-water diet; +sometimes, indeed, they elicited nothing better than the +cat-o'-nine-tails. It was when I was about to leave the scene of these +small disappointments that my one really important feat was performed. + +I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit of +civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great deal of advice, +which I am bound to confess was of a much better quality than the +clothing. As I was passing out of the gate into the light of freedom I +suddenly turned and looking the warden gravely in the eye, soon had him +in control. + +"You are an ostrich," I said. + +At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to contain a great +quantity of indigestible articles mostly of wood or metal. Stuck fast in +the oesophagus and constituting, according to the Coroner's jury, the +immediate cause of death, one door-knob. + +I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took my way into +the great world from which I had been so long secluded I could not help +remembering that all my misfortunes had flowed like a stream from the +niggard economy of my parents in the matter of school luncheons; and I +knew of no reason to think they had reformed. + +On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a little open +field which once contained a shanty known as Pete Gilstrap's Place, +where that gentleman used to murder travelers for a living. The death of +Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of nearly all the travel to another road +occurred so nearly at the same time that no one has ever been able to +say which was cause and which effect. Anyhow, the field was now a +desolation and the Place had long been burned. It was while going afoot +to South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found both my +parents on their way to the Hill. They had hitched their team and were +eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the field. The sight +of the luncheon called up painful memories of my school days and roused +the sleeping lion in my breast. Approaching the guilty couple, who at +once recognized me, I ventured to suggest that I share their +hospitality. + +"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with +characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is +sufficient for but two. I am not, I hope, insensible to the hunger-light +in your eyes, but--" + +My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook for +hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist. In a few +seconds he was at my service. A few more sufficed for the lady, and the +dictates of a just resentment could be carried into effect. "My former +father," I said, "I presume that it is known to you that you and this +lady are no longer what you were?" + +"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather dubious reply +of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable to age." + +"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to character--to species. +You and the lady here are, in truth, two _broncos_--wild stallions both, +and unfriendly." + +"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to say that I +am--" + +"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon hers, "you are." + + +Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped upon her +hands and knees, and backing up to the old man squealed like a demon and +delivered a vicious kick upon his shin! An instant later he was himself +down on all-fours, headed away from her and flinging his feet at her +simultaneously and successively. With equal earnestness but inferior +agility, because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her own. Their +flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering way; their feet +sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies thrust forward, +falling flat upon the ground and for a moment helpless. On recovering +themselves they would resume the combat, uttering their frenzy in the +nameless sounds of the furious brutes which they believed themselves to +be--the whole region rang with their clamor! Round and round they +wheeled, the blows of their feet falling "like lightnings from the +mountain cloud." They plunged and reared backward upon their knees, +struck savagely at each other with awkward descending blows of both +fists at once, and dropped again upon their hands as if unable to +maintain the upright position of the body. Grass and pebbles were torn +from the soil by hands and feet; clothing, hair, faces inexpressibly +defiled with dust and blood. Wild, inarticulate screams of rage attested +the delivery of the blows; groans, grunts and gasps their receipt. +Nothing more truly military was ever seen at Gettysburg or Waterloo: the +valor of my dear parents in the hour of danger can never cease to be to +me a source of pride and gratification. At the end of it all two +battered, tattered, bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality +attested the solemn fact that the author of the strife was an orphan. + +Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and have ever since +been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and Continuances whence, +after fifteen years of proceedings, my attorney is moving heaven and +earth to get the case taken to the Court of Remandment for New Trials. + +Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious force or +agency known as hypnotic suggestion. Whether or not it could be employed +by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am unable to say. + + + + +THE FOURTH ESTATE + + + + +MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST + + +While I was in Kansas I purchased a weekly newspaper--the _Claybank +Thundergust of Reform_. This paper had never paid its expenses; it had +ruined four consecutive publishers; but my brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson +Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to run for the Legislature, and I +naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to have an organ in +Claybank to assist in his political extinction. When the establishment +came into my hands, the editor was a fellow who had "opinions," and him +I at once discharged with an admonition. I had some difficulty in +procuring a successor; every man in the county applied for the place. I +could not appoint one without having to fight a majority of the others, +and was eventually compelled to write to a friend at Warm Springs, in +the adjoining State of Missouri, to send me an editor from abroad whose +instalment at the helm of manifest destiny could have no local +significance. + +The man he sent me was a frowsy, seedy fellow, named Masthead--not +larger, apparently, than a boy of sixteen years, though it was difficult +to say from the outside how much of him was editor and how much cast-off +clothing; for in the matter of apparel he had acted upon his favorite +professional maxim, and "sunk the individual;" his attire--eminently +eclectic, and in a sense international--quite overcame him at all +points. However, as my friend had assured me he was "a graduate of one +of the largest institutions in his native State," I took him in and +bought a pen for him. My instructions to him were brief and simple. + +"Mr. Masthead," said I, "it is the policy of the _Thundergust_ first, +last, and all the time, in this world and the next, to resent the +intrusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril into politics." + +The first thing the little rascal did was to write a withering leader +denouncing Mr. Scandril as a "demagogue, the degradation of whose +political opinions was only equaled by the disgustfulness of the family +connections of which those opinions were the spawn!" + +I hastened to point out to Mr. Masthead that it had never been the +policy of the _Thundergust_ to attack the family relations of an +offensive candidate, although this was not strictly true. + +"I am very sorry," he replied, running his head up out of his clothes +till it towered as much as six inches above the table at which he sat; +"no offense, I hope." + +"Oh, none in the world," said I, as carelessly as I could manage it; +"only I don't think it a legitimate--that is, an effective, method of +attack." + +"Mr. Johnson," said he--I was passing as Johnson at that time, I +remember--"Mr. Johnson, I think it _is_ an effective method. Personally +I might perhaps prefer another line of argument in this particular case, +and personally perhaps you might; but in our profession personal +considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we must sink +the individual. In opposing the election of your relative, sir, you have +set the seal of your heavy displeasure upon the sin of nepotism, and for +this I respect you; nepotism must be got under! But in the display of +Roman virtues, sir, we must go the whole hog. When in the interest of +public morality"--Mr. Masthead was now gesticulating earnestly with the +sleeves of his coat--"Virginius stabbed his daughter, was he influenced +by personal considerations? When Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf, +did he not sink the individual?" + +I admitted that he did, but feeling in a contentious mood, prolonged the +discussion by leisurely loading and capping a revolver; but, prescient +of my argument, Mr. Masthead avoided refutation by hastily adjourning +the debate. I sent him a note that evening, filling-in a few of the +details of the policy that I had before sketched in outline. Amongst +other things I submitted that it would be better for us to exalt Mr. +Scandril's opponent than to degrade himself. To this Mr. Masthead +reluctantly assented--"sinking the individual," he reproachfully +explained, "in the dependent employee--the powerless bondsman!" The next +issue of the _Thundergust_ contained, under the heading, "Invigorating +Zephyrs," the following editorial article: + +"Last week we declared our unalterable opposition to the candidacy of +Mr. Jefferson Scandril, and gave reasons for the faith that is in us. +For the first time in its history this paper made a clear, thoughtful, +and adequate avowal and exposition of eternal principle! Abandoning for +the present the stand we then took, let us trace the antecedents of Mr. +Scandril's opponent up to their source. It has been urged against Mr. +Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the lunatic asylum at +Warm Springs, in the adjoining commonwealth of Missouri. This cuckoo +cry--raised though it is by dogs of political darkness--we shall not +stoop to controvert, for it is accidentally true; but next week we shall +show, as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand, that this great +statesman's detractors would probably not derive any benefits from a +residence in the same institution, their mental aberration being +rottenly incurable!" + +I thought this rather strong and not quite to the point; but Masthead +said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very little known in +Claybank, had "served a term" in the Warm Springs asylum, and the issue +must be boldly met--that evasion and denial were but forms of +prostration beneath the iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he seemed +to inflate and expand so as almost to fill his clothes, and the fire of +his eye somehow burned into me an impression--since effaced--that a just +cause is not imperiled by a trifling concession to fact. So, leaving the +matter quite in my editor's hands I went away to keep some important +engagements, the paragraph having involved me in several duels with the +friends of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather hard that I should have to +defend my new editor's policy against the supporters of my own +candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the right and they knew +nothing whatever about the matter in dispute, not one of them having +ever before so much as heard of the now famous Warm Springs asylum. But +I would not shirk even the humblest journalistic duty; I fought these +fellows and acquitted myself as became a man of letters and a +politician. The hurts I got were some time healing, and in the interval +every prominent member of my party who came to Claybank to speak to the +people regarded it as a simple duty to call first at my house, make a +tender inquiry as to the progress of my recovery and leave a challenge. +My physician forbade me to read a line of anything; the consequence was +that Masthead had it all his own way with the paper. In looking over the +old files now, I find that he devoted his entire talent and all the +space of the paper, including what had been the advertising columns, to +confessing that our candidate had been an inmate of a lunatic asylum, +and contemptuously asking the opposing party what they were going to do +about it. + +All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the challenges became +intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. Masthead to whip round to the +other side and support my brother-in-law. Masthead "sank the +individual," and duly announced, with his accustomed frankness, our +change of policy. Then Mr. Broskin came down to Claybank--to thank me! +He was a fine, respectable-looking gentleman, and impressed me very +favorably. But Masthead was in when he called, and the effect upon _him_ +was different. He shrank into a mere heap of old clothes, turned white, +and chattered his teeth. Noting this extraordinary behavior, I at once +sought an explanation. + +"Mr. Broskin," said I, with a meaning glance at the trembling editor, +"from certain indications I am led to fear that owing to some mistake we +may have been doing you an injustice. May I ask you if you were really +ever in the Lunatic asylum at Warm Springs, Missouri?" + +"For three years," he replied, quietly, "I was the physician in charge +of that institution. Your son"--turning to Masthead, who was flying all +sorts of colors--"was, if I mistake not, one of my patients. I learn +that a few weeks ago a friend of yours, named Norton, secured the young +man's release upon your promise to take care of him yourself in future. +I hope that home associations have improved the poor fellow. It's very +sad!" + +It was indeed. Norton was the name of the man to whom I had written for +an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever an obliging fellow. + + + + +WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 9 A.M. + +A man has called to ask "who wrote that article about Mr. Muskler." I +told him to find out, and he says that is what he means to do. He has +consented to amuse himself with the exchanges while I ask you. I don't +approve the article. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 10 A.M. + +Do you happen to remember how Dacier translates _Difficile est proprie +communia dicere_? I've made a note of it somewhere, but can't find it. +If you remember please leave a memorandum of it on your table, and I'll +get it when I come down this afternoon. + +P.S.--Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered about that fellow +Muskler. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 11:30 A.M. + +I can't be impolite to a stranger, you know; I must tell him _somebody_ +wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is drumming on the floor +with the end of his stick; I fear the people in the shop below won't +like it. Besides, the foreman says it disturbs the compositors in the +next room. Suppose you come down. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 1 P.M. + +I have found the note I made of that translation, but it is in French +and I can't make it out. Try the man with the dictionary and the "Books +of Dates." They ought to last him till it's time to close the office. I +shall be down early to-morrow morning. + +P.S.--How big is he? Suggest a civil suit for libel. + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Monday, 3 P.M. + +He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've offered him the +dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is sitting on my table. +Come at once! + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to J. Munniglut, Proprietor._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Monday, 5 P.M. + +I don't think I shall. I am doing an article for this week on "The +Present Aspect of the Political Horizon." Expect me _very_ early +to-morrow. You had better turn the man out and shut up the office. + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 8 A.M. + +Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend, the large gentleman who +was with him all day yesterday, is here again. He seems very desirous of +seeing you, and says he will wait. Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought +I would tell you he was here, so that you might hasten down. + +Ought I to allow dogs in the office? The gentleman has a bull-dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 9.30 A.M. + +Certainly _not;_ dogs have fleas. The man is an impostor. Oblige me by +turning him out. I shall come down this afternoon--_early_. + +P.S.--Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with him! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday, 12 M. + +The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you mind coming down and +reasoning with him? I have a wife and five children depending on me, and +when I lose my temper I am likely to go too far. I would prefer that +_you_ should turn him out. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +13 LOFER STREET, Tuesday, 2 P.M. + +Do you suppose I can leave my private correspondence to preserve you +from the intrusion and importunities of beggars? Put the scoundrel out +at once--neck and heels! I know him; he's Muskler--don't you remember? +Muskler, the coward, who assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole +circumstances related in last Saturday's issue. Out with him--the +unmanly sneak! + + +_Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Tuesday Evening. + +I have told him to go, and he laughed. So did the bull-dog. But he is +going. He is now making a bed for the pup in one corner of your room, +with some rugs and old newspapers, and appears to be about to go to +dinner. I have given him your address. The foreman wants some copy to go +on with. I beg you will come at once if I am to be left alone with that +dog. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to Henry Inxling, Bookkeeper._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 10 A.M. + +I should have come down to the office last evening, but you see I have +been moving. My landlady was too filthy dirty for anything! I stood it +as long as I could; then I left. I'm coming directly I get your answer +to this; but I want to know, first, if my blotter has been changed and +my ink-well refilled. This house is a good way out, but the boy can take +the car at the corner of Cobble and Slush streets. + +O!--about that _man_? Of course you have not seen him since. + + +_William Quoin, Foreman, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Wednesday, 12 M. + +I've got your note to Inxling; he ain't come down this morning. I +haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys are all throwing in dead +ads. There's a man and a dog in the proprietor's office; I don't believe +they ought to be there, all alone, but they were here all Monday and +yesterday, and may be connected with the business management of the +paper; so I don't like to order them out. Perhaps you will come down and +speak to them. We shall have to go away if you don't send copy. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor, to William Quoin, Foreman._ + +40 DUNTIONER'S ALLEY, Wednesday, 3 P.M. + +Your note astonishes me. The man you describe is a notorious thief. Get +the compositors all together, and make a rush at him. Don't try to keep +him, but hustle him out of town, and I'll be down as soon as I can get a +button sewn on my collar. + +P.S.--Give it him good!--don't mention my address and he can't complain +to me how you treat him. Bust his bugle! + + +_J. Munniglut, Proprietor, to Peter Pitchin, Editor._ + +"STINGER" OFFICE, Friday, 2 P.M. + +Business has detained me from the office until now, and what do I find? +Not a soul about the place, no copy, not a stickful of live matter on +the galleys! There can be no paper this week. What you have all done +with yourselves I am sure I don't know; one would suppose there had been +smallpox about the place. You will please come down and explain this +Hegira at once--at once, if you please! + +P.S.--That troublesome Muskler--you may remember he dropped in on Monday +to inquire about something or other--has taken a sort of shop exactly +opposite here, and seems, at this distance, to be doing something to a +shotgun. I presume he is a gunsmith. So we are precious well rid of +_him_. + + +_Peter Pitchin, Editor to J. Munniglut, Proprietor_. + +PIER NO. 3, Friday Evening. + +Just a line or two to say I am suddenly called away to bury my sick +mother. When that is off my mind I'll write you what I know about the +Hegira, the Flight into Egypt, the Retreat of the Ten Thousand, and +whatever else you would like to learn. There is nothing mean about _me!_ +I don't think there has been any wilful desertion. You may engage an +editor for, say, fifty years, with the privilege of keeping him +regularly, if, at the end of that time, I should break my neck hastening +back. + +P.S.--I hope that poor fellow Muskier will make a fair profit in the +gunsmithing line. Jump him for an ad! + + + + +CORRUPTING THE PRESS + + +When Joel Bird was up for Governor of Missouri, Sam Henly was editing +the Berrywood _Bugle_; and no sooner was the nomination made by the +State Convention than he came out hot against the party. He was an able +writer, was Sam, and the lies he invented about our candidate were +shocking! That, however, we endured very well, but presently Sam turned +squarely about and began telling the truth. _This_ was a little too +much; the County Committee held a hasty meeting, and decided that it +must be stopped; so I, Henry Barber, was sent for to make arrangements +to that end. I knew something of Sam: had purchased him several times, +and I estimated his present value at about one thousand dollars. This +seemed to the committee a reasonable figure, and on my mentioning it to +Sam he said "he thought that about the fair thing; it should never be +said that the _Bugle_ was a hard paper to deal with." There was, +however, some delay in raising the money; the candidates for the local +offices had not disposed of their autumn hogs yet, and were in financial +straits. Some of them contributed a pig each, one gave twenty bushels of +corn, another a flock of chickens; and the man who aspired to the +distinction of County Judge paid his assessment with a wagon. These +things had to be converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the +meantime Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our +political camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his hand; he +invariably replied that it was no bargain until he had the money. The +committeemen were furious; it required all my eloquence to prevent their +declaring the contract null and void; but at last a new, clean one +thousand-dollar note was passed over to me, which in hot haste I +transferred to Sam at his residence. + +That evening there was a meeting of the committee: all seemed in high +spirits again, except Hooker of Jayhawk. This old wretch sat back and +shook his head during the entire session, and just before adjournment +said, as he took his hat to go, that p'r'aps'twas orl right and on the +squar'; maybe thar war'n't any shenannigan, but _he_ war dubersome--yes, +he war dubersome. The old curmudgeon repeated this until I was +exasperated beyond restraint. + +"Mr. Hooker," said I, "I've known Sam Henly ever since he was _so_ high, +and there isn't an honester man in old Missouri. Sam Henly's word is as +good as his note! What's more, if any gentleman thinks he would enjoy a +first-class funeral, and if he will supply the sable accessories, I'll +supply the corpse. And he can take it home with him from this meeting." + +At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving. + +Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next day. When I +stepped into the street I saw at once that something was "up." There +were knots of people gathered at the corners, some reading eagerly that +morning's issue of the _Bugle_, some gesticulating, and others stalking +moodily about muttering curses, not loud but deep. Suddenly I heard an +excited clamor--a confused roar of many lungs, and the trampling of +innumerable feet. In this babel of noises I could distinguish the words +"Kill him!" "Wa'm his hide!" and so forth; and, looking up the street, I +saw what seemed to be the whole male population racing down it. I am +very excitable, and, though I did not know whose hide was to be warmed, +nor why anyone was to be killed, I shot off in front of the howling +masses, shouting "Kill him!" and "Warm his hide!" as loudly as the +loudest, all the time looking out for the victim. Down the street we +flew like a storm; then I turned a corner, thinking the scoundrel must +have gone up _that_ street; then bolted through a public square; over a +bridge; under an arch; finally back into the main street; yelling like a +panther, and resolved to slaughter the first human being I should +overtake. The crowd followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as +I shrieked, and--all at once it came to me that _I_ was the man whose +hide was to be warmed! + +It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery gave me; +happily I was within a few yards of the committee-rooms, and into these +I dashed, closing and bolting the doors behind me, and mounting the +stairs like a flash. The committee was in solemn session, sitting in a +nice, even row on the front benches, each man with his elbows on his +knees, and his chin resting in the palms of his hands--thinking. At each +man's feet lay a neglected copy of the _Bugle_. Every member fixed his +eyes on me, but no one stirred, none uttered a sound. There was +something awful in this preternatural silence, made more impressive by +the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside, breaking down the door. I could +endure it no longer, but strode forward and snatched up the paper lying +at the feet of the chairman. At the head of the editorial columns, in +letters half an inch long, were the following amazing head-lines: + +"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The Vampires +Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game! The Rat Gnaws a File! The +Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod Over a Free People! Base +Endeavor to Bribe the Editor of this Paper with _a Twenty-Dollar Note_! +The Money Given to the Orphan Asylum." + +I read no farther, but stood stockstill in the center of the floor, and +fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it seemed a mere trifle. +Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did not know there was so much money +in the world. Twenty--no, eighty--one thousand dollars! There were big, +black figures floating all over the floor. Incessant cataracts of them +poured down the walls, stopped, and shied off as I looked at them, and +began to go it again when I lowered my eyes. Occasionally the figures 20 +would take shape somewhere about the floor, and then the figures 980 +would slide up and overlay them. Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's +dream, they would all march away and devour the fat naughts of the +number 1,000. And dancing like gnats in the air were myriads of little +caduceus-like, phantoms, thus--$$$$$. I could not at all make it out, +but began to comprehend my position directly Old Hooker, without moving +from his seat, began to drown the noise of countless feet on the stairs +by elevating his thin falsetto: + +"P'r'aps, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mr. Henly can't +tell a lie; but I'm powerful dubersome that thar's a balyance dyue this +yer committee from the gent who hez the flo'--if he ain't done gone laid +it yout fo' sable ac--ac--fo' fyirst-class funerals." + +I felt at that moment as if I should like to play the leading character +in a first-class funeral myself. I felt that every man in my position +ought to have a nice, comfortable coffin, with a silver door-plate, a +foot-warmer, and bay-windows for his ears. How do you suppose you would +have felt? + +My leap from the window of that committee room, my speed in streaking it +for the adjacent forest, my self-denial in ever afterward resisting the +impulse to return to Berrywood and look after my political and material +interests there--these I have always considered things to be justly +proud of, and I hope I am proud of them. + + + + +"THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" + +HOW ANOTHER MAN'S WAS SOUGHT AND PRICKED + + +It was a stormy night in the autumn of 1930. The hour was about eleven. +San Francisco lay in darkness, for the laborers at the gas works had +struck and destroyed the company's property because a newspaper to which +a cousin of the manager was a subscriber had censured the course of a +potato merchant related by marriage to a member of the Knights of +Leisure. Electric lights had not at that period been reinvented. The sky +was filled with great masses of black cloud which, driven rapidly across +the star-fields by winds unfelt on the earth and momentarily altering +their fantastic forms, seemed instinct with a life and activity of their +own and endowed with awful powers of evil, to the exercise of which they +might at any time set their malignant will. + +An observer standing, at this time, at the corner of Paradise avenue and +Great White Throne walk in Sorrel Hill cemetery would have seen a human +figure moving among the graves toward the Superintendent's residence. +Dimly and fitfully visible in the intervals of thinner gloom, this +figure had a most uncanny and disquieting aspect. A long black cloak +shrouded it from neck to heel. Upon its head was a slouch hat, pulled +down across the forehead and almost concealing the face, which was +further hidden by a half-mask, only the beard being occasionally visible +as the head was lifted partly above the collar of the cloak. The man +wore upon his feet jack-boots whose wide, funnel-shaped legs had settled +down in many a fold and crease about his ankles, as could be seen +whenever accident parted the bottom of the cloak. His arms were +concealed, but sometimes he stretched out the right to steady himself by +a headstone as he crept stealthily but blindly over the uneven ground. +At such times a close scrutiny of the hand would have disclosed in the +palm the hilt of a poniard, the blade of which lay along the wrist, +hidden in the sleeve. In short, the man's garb, his movements, the +hour--everything proclaimed him a reporter. + +But what did he there? + +On the morning of that day the editor of the _Daily Malefactor_ had +touched the button of a bell numbered 216 and in response to the summons +Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, reporter, had been shot into the room out of an +inclined tube. + +"I understand," said the editor, "that you are 216--am I right?" + +"That," said the reporter, catching his breath and adjusting his +clothing, both somewhat disordered by the celerity of his flight through +the tube,--"that is my number." + +"Information has reached us," continued the editor, "that the +Superintendent of the Sorrel Hill cemetery--one Inhumio, whose very name +suggests inhumanity--is guilty of the grossest outrages in the +administration of the great trust confided to his hands by the sovereign +people." + +"The cemetery is private property," faintly suggested 216. + +"It is alleged," continued the great man, disdaining to notice the +interruption, "that in violation of popular rights he refuses to permit +his accounts to be inspected by representatives of the press." + +"Under the law, you know, he is responsible to the directors of the +cemetery company," the reporter ventured to interject. + +"They say," pursued the editor, heedless, "that the inmates are in many +cases badly lodged and insufficiently clad, and that in consequence they +are usually cold. It is asserted that they are never fed--except to the +worms. Statements have been made to the effect that males and females +are permitted to occupy the same quarters, to the incalculable detriment +of public morality. Many clandestine villainies are alleged of this +fiend in human shape, and it is desirable that his underground methods +be unearthed in the _Malefactor_. If he resists we will drag his family +skeleton from the privacy of his domestic closet. There is money in it +for the paper, fame for you--are you ambitious, 216?" + +"I am--bitious." + +"Go, then," cried the editor, rising and waving his hand +imperiously--"go and 'seek the bubble reputation'." + +"The bubble shall be sought," the young man replied, and leaping into a +man-hole in the floor, disappeared. A moment later the editor, who after +dismissing his subordinate, had stood motionless, as if lost in thought, +sprang suddenly to the man-hole and shouted down it: "Hello, 216?" + +"Aye, aye, sir," came up a faint and far reply. + +"About that 'bubble reputation'--you understand, I suppose, that the +reputation which you are to seek is that of the other man." + +In the execution of his duty, in the hope of his employer's approval, in +the costume of his profession, Mr. Longbo Spittleworth, otherwise known +as 216, has already occupied a place in the mind's eye of the +intelligent reader. Alas for poor Mr. Inhumio! + +A few days after these events that fearless, independent and +enterprising guardian and guide of the public, the San Francisco _Daily +Malefactor_, contained a whole-page article whose headlines are here +presented with some necessary typographical mitigation: + +"Hell Upon Earth! Corruption Rampant in the Management of the Sorrel +Hill Cemetery. The Sacred City of the Dead in the Leprous Clutches of a +Demon in Human Form. Fiendish Atrocities Committed in 'God's Acre.' The +Holy Dead Thrown around Loose. Fragments of Mothers. Segregation of a +Beautiful Young Lady Who in Life Was the Light of a Happy Household. A +Superintendent Who Is an Ex-Convict. How He Murdered His Neighbor to +Start the Cemetery. He Buries His Own Dead Elsewhere. Extraordinary +Insolence to a Representative of the Public Press. Little Eliza's Last +Words: 'Mamma, Feed Me to the Pigs.' A Moonshiner Who Runs an Illicit +Bone-Button Factory in One Corner of the Grounds. Buried Head Downward. +Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies. Dancing on the Dead. Devilish +Mutilation--a Pile of Late Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears. No +Separation of the Sexes; Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded. 'Veal' as +Supplied to the Superintendent's Employees. A Miscreant's Record from +His Birth. Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong +Indications of Collusion. Nameless Abnormalities. 'Doubled Up Like a +Nut-Cracker.' 'Wasn't Planted White.' Horribly Significant Reduction in +the Price of Lard. The Question of the Hour: Whom Do You Fry Your +Doughnuts In?" + + + + +THE OCEAN WAVE + + + + +A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION + + +As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and not a bit +nice, and she hoped I never, never _would_ come back. So I shipped as +mate on the _Mudlark_, bound from London to wherever the captain might +think it expedient to sail. It had not been thought advisable to hamper +Captain Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, +it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way to make +the voyage unprofitable. The owners of the _Mudlark_ had grown wise in +their generation, and now let him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying +such cargoes as he fancied to ports where the nicest women were. On the +voyage of which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would +only make the _Mudlark_ heavy and slow. To hear this mariner talk one +would have supposed he did not know very much about commerce. + +We had a few passengers--not nearly so many as we had laid in basins and +stewards for; for before coming off to the ship most of those who had +bought tickets would inquire whither she was bound, and when not +informed would go back to their hotels and send a bandit on board to +remove their baggage. But there were enough left to be rather +troublesome. They cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when +drunk, and the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the +forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship's compass. +They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let the big anchor go, +just to hear it plunge in the water, threatening in case of refusal to +write to the newspapers. A favorite amusement with them was to sit in +the lee of the bulwarks, relating their experiences in former +voyages--voyages distinguished in every instance by two remarkable +features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes and the entire +immunity of the narrator from seasickness. It was very interesting to +see them sitting in a row telling these things, each man with a basin +between his legs. + +One day there arose a great storm. The sea walked over the ship as if it +had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy it all it could. The +_Mudlark_ labored very much--far more, indeed, than the crew did; for +these innocents had discovered in possession of one of their number a +pair of leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play +cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had owned them +a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed over to the winner that +there was little but the seat remaining, and that immortal part the +captain finally kicked overboard--not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly +spirit, but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of trousers. + +The storm increased in violence until it succeeded in so straining the +_Mudlark_ that she took in water like a teetotaler; then it appeared to +get relief directly. This may be said in justice to a storm at sea: when +it has broken off your masts, pulled out your rudder, carried away your +boats and made a nice hole in some inaccessible part of your hull it +will often go away in search of a fresh ship, leaving you to take such +measures for your comfort as you may think fit. In our case the captain +thought fit to sit on the taffrail reading a three-volume novel. + +Seeing he had got about half way through the second volume, at which +point the lovers would naturally be involved in the most hopeless and +heart-rending difficulties, I thought he would be in a particularly +cheerful humor, so I approached him and informed him the ship was going +down. + +"Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his forefinger between +the pages to mark his place, "she never would be good for much after +such a shaking-up as this. But, I say--I wish you would just send the +bo'sn for'd there to break up that prayer-meeting. The _Mudlark_ isn't a +seamen's chapel, I suppose." + +"But," I replied, impatiently, "can't something be done to lighten the +ship?" + +"Well," he drawled, reflectively, "seeing she hasn't any masts left to +cut away, nor any cargo to--stay, you might throw over some of the +heaviest of the passengers if you think it would do any good." + +It was a happy thought--the intuition of genius. Walking rapidly forward +to the foc'sle, which, being highest out of water, was crowded with +passengers, I seized a stout old gentleman by the nape of the neck, +pushed him up to the rail, and chucked him over. He did not touch the +water: he fell on the apex of a cone of sharks which sprang up from the +sea to meet him, their noses gathered to a point, their tails just +clearing the surface. I think it unlikely that the old gentleman knew +what disposition had been made of him. Next, I hurled over a woman and +flung a fat baby to the wild winds. The former was sharked out of sight, +the same as the old man; the latter divided amongst the gulls. + +I am relating these things exactly as they occurred. It would be very +easy to make a fine story out of all this material--to tell how that, +while I was engaged in lightening the ship, I was touched by the +self-sacrificing spirit of a beautiful young woman, who, to save the +life of her lover, pushed her aged mother forward to where I was +operating, imploring me to take the old lady, but spare, O, spare her +dear Henry. I might go on to set forth how that I not only did take the +old lady, as requested, but immediately seized dear Henry, and sent him +flying as far as I could to leeward, having first broken his back across +the rail and pulled a double-fistful of his curly hair out. I might +proceed to state that, feeling appeased, I then stole the long boat and +taking the beautiful maiden pulled away from the ill-fated ship to the +church of St. Massaker, Fiji, where we were united by a knot which I +afterward untied with my teeth by eating her. But, in truth, nothing of +all this occurred, and I can not afford to be the first writer to tell a +lie just to interest the reader. What really did occur is this: as I +stood on the quarter-deck, heaving over the passengers, one after +another, Captain Abersouth, having finished his novel, walked aft and +quietly hove _me_ over. + +The sensations of a drowning man have been so often related that I shall +only briefly explain that memory at once displayed her treasures: all +the scenes of my eventful life crowded, though without confusion or +fighting, into my mind. I saw my whole career spread out before me, like +a map of Central Africa since the discovery of the gorilla. There were +the cradle in which I had lain, as a child, stupefied with soothing +syrups; the perambulator, seated in which and propelled from behind, I +overthrew the schoolmaster, and in which my infantile spine received its +curvature; the nursery-maid, surrendering her lips alternately to me and +the gardener; the old home of my youth, with the ivy and the mortgage on +it; my eldest brother, who by will succeeded to the family debts; my +sister, who ran away with the Count von Pretzel, coachman to a most +respectable New York family; my mother, standing in the attitude of a +saint, pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent +palpitators from Madame Fahertini's; my venerable father, sitting in his +chimney corner, his silvered head bowed upon his breast, his withered +hands crossed patiently in his lap, waiting with Christian resignation +for death, and drunk as a lord--all this, and much more, came before my +mind's eye, and there was no charge for admission to the show. Then +there was a ringing sound in my ears, my senses swam better than I +could, and as I sank down, down, through fathomless depths, the amber +light falling through the water above my head failed and darkened into +blackness. Suddenly my feet struck something firm--it was the bottom. +Thank heaven, I was saved! + + + + +THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" + + +This ship was named the _Camel_. In some ways she was an extraordinary +vessel. She measured six hundred tons; but when she had taken in enough +ballast to keep her from upsetting like a shot duck, and was provisioned +for a three months' voyage, it was necessary to be mighty fastidious in +the choice of freight and passengers. For illustration, as she was about +to leave port a boat came alongside with two passengers, a man and his +wife. They had booked the day before, but had remained ashore to get one +more decent meal before committing themselves to the "briny cheap," as +the man called the ship's fare. The woman came aboard, and the man was +preparing to follow, when the captain leaned over the side and saw him. + +"Well," said the captain, "what do _you_ want?" + +"What do _I_ want?" said the man, laying hold of the ladder. "I'm +a-going to embark in this here ship--that's what I want." + +"Not with all that fat on you," roared the captain. "You don't weigh an +ounce less than eighteen stone, and I've got to have in my anchor yet. +You wouldn't have me leave the anchor, I suppose?" + +The man said he did not care about the anchor--he was just as God had +made him (he looked as if his cook had had something to do with it) and, +sink or swim, he purposed embarking in that ship. A good deal of +wrangling ensued, but one of the sailors finally threw the man a cork +life-preserver, and the captain said that would lighten him and he might +come abroad. + +This was Captain Abersouth, formerly of the _Mudlark_--as good a seaman +as ever sat on the taffrail reading a three volume novel. Nothing could +equal this man's passion for literature. For every voyage he laid in so +many bales of novels that there was no stowage for the cargo. There were +novels in the hold, and novels between-decks, and novels in the saloon, +and in the passengers' beds. + +The _Camel_ had been designed and built by her owner, an architect in +the City, and she looked about as much like a ship as Noah's Ark did. +She had bay windows and a veranda; a cornice and doors at the +water-line. These doors had knockers and servant's bells. There had been +a futile attempt at an area. The passenger saloon was on the upper deck, +and had a tile roof. To this humplike structure the ship owed her name. +Her designer had erected several churches--that of St. Ignotus is still +used as a brewery in Hotbath Meadows--and, possessed of the ecclesiastic +idea, had given the _Camel_ a transept; but, finding this impeded her +passage through the water, he had it removed. This weakened the vessel +amidships. The mainmast was something like a steeple. It had a +weathercock. From this spire the eye commanded one of the finest views +in England. + +Such was the _Camel_ when I joined her in 1864 for a voyage of discovery +to the South Pole. The expedition was under the "auspices" of the Royal +Society for the Promotion of Fair Play. At a meeting of this excellent +association, it had been "resolved" that the partiality of science for +the North Pole was an invidious distinction between two objects equally +meritorious; that Nature had marked her disapproval of it in the case of +Sir John Franklin and many of his imitators; that it served them very +well right; that this enterprise should be undertaken as a protest +against the spirit of undue bias; and, finally, that no part of the +responsibility or expense should devolve upon the society in its +corporate character, but any individual member might contribute to the +fund if he were fool enough. It is only common justice to say that none +of them was. The _Camel_ merely parted her cable one day while I +happened to be on board--drifted out of the harbor southward, followed +by the execrations of all who knew her, and could not get back. In two +months she had crossed the equator, and the heat began to grow +insupportable. + +Suddenly we were becalmed. There had been a fine breeze up to three +o'clock in the afternoon and the ship had made as much as two knots an +hour when without a word of warning the sails began to belly the wrong +way, owing to the impetus that the ship had acquired; and then, as this +expired, they hung as limp and lifeless as the skirts of a clawhammer +coat. The _Camel_ not only stood stock still but moved a little backward +toward England. Old Ben the boatswain said that he'd never knowed but +one deader calm, and that, he explained, was when Preacher Jack, the +reformed sailor, had got excited in a sermon in a seaman's chapel and +shouted that the Archangel Michael would chuck the Dragon into the brig +and give him a taste of the rope's-end, damn his eyes! + +We lay in this woful state for the better part of a year, when, growing +impatient, the crew deputed me to look up the captain and see if +something could not be done about it. I found him in a remote cobwebby +corner between-decks, with a book in his hand. On one side of him, the +cords newly cut, were three bales of "Ouida"; on the other a mountain of +Miss M.E. Braddon towered above his head. He had finished "Ouida" and +was tackling Miss Braddon. He was greatly changed. + +"Captain Abersouth," said I, rising on tiptoe so as to overlook the +lower slopes of Mrs. Braddon, "will you be good enough to tell me how +long this thing is going on?" + +"Can't say, I'm sure," he replied without pulling his eyes off the page. +"They'll probably make up about the middle of the book. In the meantime +old Pondronummus will foul his top-hamper and take out his papers for +Looney Haven, and young Monshure de Boojower will come in for a million. +Then if the proud and fair Angelica doesn't luff and come into his wake +after pizening that sea lawyer, Thundermuzzle, I don't know nothing +about the deeps and shallers of the human heart." + +I could not take so hopeful a view of the situation, and went on deck, +feeling very much discouraged. I had no sooner got my head out than I +observed that the ship was moving at a high rate of speed! + +We had on board a bullock and a Dutchman. The bullock was chained by the +neck to the foremast, but the Dutchman was allowed a good deal of +liberty, being shut up at night only. There was bad blood between the +two--a feud of long standing, having its origin in the Dutchman's +appetite for milk and the bullock's sense of personal dignity; the +particular cause of offense it would be tedious to relate. Taking +advantage of his enemy's afternoon _siesta_, the Dutchman had now +managed to sneak by him, and had gone out on the bowsprit to fish. When +the animal waked and saw the other creature enjoying himself he +straddled his chain, leveled his horns, got his hind feet against the +mast and laid a course for the offender. The chain was strong, the mast +firm, and the ship, as Byron says, "walked the water like a thing of +course." + +After that we kept the Dutchman right where he was, night and day, the +old _Camel_ making better speed than she had ever done in the most +favorable gale. We held due south. + +We had now been a long time without sufficient food, particularly meat. +We could spare neither the bullock nor the Dutchman; and the ship's +carpenter, that traditional first aid to the famished, was a mere bag of +bones. The fish would neither bite nor be bitten. Most of the +running-tackle of the ship had been used for macaroni soup; all the +leather work, our shoes included, had been devoured in omelettes; with +oakum and tar we had made fairly supportable salad. After a brief +experimental career as tripe the sails had departed this life forever. +Only two courses remained from which to choose; we could eat one +another, as is the etiquette of the sea, or partake of Captain +Abersouth's novels. Dreadful alternative!--but a choice. And it is +seldom, I think, that starving sailormen are offered a shipload of the +best popular authors ready-roasted by the critics. + +We ate that fiction. The works that the captain had thrown aside lasted +six months, for most of them were by the best-selling authors and were +pretty tough. After they were gone--of course some had to be given to +the bullock and the Dutchman--we stood by the captain, taking the other +books from his hands as he finished them. Sometimes, when we were +apparently at our last gasp, he would skip a whole page of moralizing, +or a bit of description; and always, as soon as he clearly foresaw the +_denouement_--which he generally did at about the middle of the second +volume--the work was handed over to us without a word of repining. + +The effect of this diet was not unpleasant but remarkable. Physically, +it sustained us; mentally, it exalted us; morally, it made us but a +trifle worse than we were. We talked as no human beings ever talked +before. Our wit was polished but without point. As in a stage broadsword +combat, every cut has its parry, so in our conversation every remark +suggested the reply, and this necessitated a certain rejoinder. The +sequence once interrupted, the whole was bosh; when the thread was +broken the beads were seen to be waxen and hollow. + +We made love to one another, and plotted darkly in the deepest obscurity +of the hold. Each set of conspirators had its proper listener at the +hatch. These, leaning too far over would bump their heads together and +fight. Occasionally there was confusion amongst them: two or more would +assert a right to overhear the same plot. I remember at one time the +cook, the carpenter, the second assistant-surgeon, and an able seaman +contended with handspikes for the honor of betraying my confidence. Once +there were three masked murderers of the second watch bending at the +same instant over the sleeping form of a cabin-boy, who had been heard +to mutter, a week previously, that he had "Gold! gold!" the accumulation +of eighty--yes, eighty--years' piracy on the high seas, while sitting as +M.P. for the borough of Zaccheus-cum-Down, and attending church +regularly. I saw the captain of the foretop surrounded by suitors for +his hand, while he was himself fingering the edge of a packing-case, and +singing an amorous ditty to a lady-love shaving at a mirror. + +Our diction consisted, in about equal parts, of classical allusion, +quotation from the stable, simper from the scullery, cant from the +clubs, and the technical slang of heraldry. We boasted much of ancestry, +and admired the whiteness of our hands whenever the skin was visible +through a fault in the grease and tar. Next to love, the vegetable +kingdom, murder, arson, adultery and ritual, we talked most of art. The +wooden figure-head of the _Camel_, representing a Guinea nigger +detecting a bad smell, and the monochrome picture of two back-broken +dolphins on the stern, acquired a new importance. The Dutchman had +destroyed the nose of the one by kicking his toes against it, and the +other was nearly obliterated by the slops of the cook; but each had its +daily pilgrimage, and each constantly developed occult beauties of +design and subtle excellences of execution. On the whole we were greatly +altered; and if the supply of contemporary fiction had been equal to the +demand, the _Camel_, I fear, would not have been strong enough to +contain the moral and aesthetic forces fired by the maceration of the +brains of authors in the gastric juices of sailors. + +Having now got the ship's literature off his mind into ours, the captain +went on deck for the first time since leaving port. We were still +steering the same course, and, taking his first observation of the sun, +the captain discovered that we were in latitude 83 deg. south. The heat was +insufferable; the air was like the breath of a furnace within a furnace. +The sea steamed like a boiling cauldron, and in the vapor our bodies +were temptingly parboiled--our ultimate meal was preparing. Warped by +the sun, the ship held both ends high out of the water; the deck of the +forecastle was an inclined plane, on which the bullock labored at a +disadvantage; but the bowsprit was now vertical and the Dutchman's +tenure precarious. A thermometer hung against the mainmast, and we +grouped ourselves about it as the captain went up to examine the +register. + +"One hundred and ninety degrees Fahrenheit!" he muttered in evident +astonishment. "Impossible!" Turning sharply about, he ran his eyes over +us, and inquired in a peremptory tone, "who's been in command while I +was runnin' my eye over that book?" + +"Well, captain," I replied, as respectfully as I knew how, "the fourth +day out I had the unhappiness to be drawn into a dispute about a game of +cards with your first and second officers. In the absence of those +excellent seamen, sir, I thought it my duty to assume control of the +ship." + +"Killed 'em, hey?" + +"Sir, they committed suicide by questioning the efficacy of four kings +and an ace." + +"Well, you lubber, what have you to say in defense of this extraordinary +weather?" + +"Sir, it is no fault of mine. We are far--very far south, and it is now +the middle of July. The weather is uncomfortable, I admit; but +considering the latitude and season, it is not, I protest, +unseasonable." + +"Latitude and season!" he shrieked, livid with rage--"latitude and +season! Why, you junk-rigged, flat-bottomed, meadow lugger, don't you +know any better than that? Didn't yer little baby brother ever tell ye +that southern latitudes is colder than northern, and that July is the +middle o' winter here? Go below, you son of a scullion, or I'll break +your bones!" + +"Oh! very well," I replied; "I'm not going to stay on deck and listen to +such low language as that, I warn you. Have it your own way." + +The words had no sooner left my lips, than a piercing cold wind caused +me to cast my eye upon the thermometer. In the new regime of science the +mercury was descending rapidly; but in a moment the instrument was +obscured by a blinding fall of snow. Towering icebergs rose from the +water on every side, hanging their jagged masses hundreds of feet above +the masthead, and shutting us completely in. The ship twisted and +writhed; her decks bulged upward, and every timber groaned and cracked +like the report of a pistol. The _Camel_ was frozen fast. The jerk of +her sudden stopping snapped the bullock's chain, and sent both that +animal and the Dutchman over the bows, to accomplish their warfare on +the ice. + +Elbowing my way forward to go below, as I had threatened, I saw the crew +tumble to the deck on either hand like ten-pins. They were frozen stiff. +Passing the captain, I asked him sneeringly how he liked the weather +under the new regime. He replied with a vacant stare. The chill had +penetrated to the brain, and affected his mind. He murmured: + +"In this delightful spot, happy in the world's esteem, and surrounded by +all that makes existence dear, they passed the remainder of their lives. +The End." + +His jaw dropped. The captain of the _Camel_ was dead. + + + + +THE MAN OVERBOARD + + +I + +The good ship _Nupple-duck_ was drifting rapidly upon a sunken coral +reef, which seemed to extend a reasonless number of leagues to the right +and left without a break, and I was reading Macaulay's "Naseby Fight" to +the man at the wheel. Everything was, in fact, going on as nicely as +heart could wish, when Captain Abersouth, standing on the +companion-stair, poked his head above deck and asked where we were. +Pausing in my reading, I informed him that we had got as far as the +disastrous repulse of Prince Rupert's cavalry, adding that if he would +have the goodness to hold his jaw we should be making it awkward for the +wounded in about three minutes, and he might bear a hand at the pockets +of the slain. Just then the ship struck heavily, and went down! + +Calling another ship, I stepped aboard, and gave directions to be taken +to No. 900 Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt; then, walking aft +to the man at the wheel, asked him if he would like to hear me read +"Naseby Fight." He thought he would: he would like to hear that, and +then I might pass on to something else--Kinglake's "Crimean War," the +proceedings at the trial of Warren Hastings, or some such trifle, just +to wile away the time till eight bells. + +All this time heavy clouds had been gathering along the horizon directly +in front of the ship, and a deputation of passengers now came to the man +at the wheel to demand that she be put about, or she would run into +them, which the spokesman explained would be unusual. I thought at the +time that it certainly was not the regular thing to do, but, as I was +myself only a passenger, did not deem it expedient to take a part in the +heated discussion that ensued; and, after all, it did not seem likely +that the weather in those clouds would be much worse than that in +Tottenham Court Road, where I had an aunt. + +It was finally decided to refer the matter to arbitration, and after +many names had been submitted and rejected by both sides, it was agreed +that the captain of the ship should act as arbitrator if his consent +could be obtained, and I was delegated to conduct the negotiations to +that end. With considerable difficulty, I persuaded him to accept the +responsibility. + +He was a feeble-minded sort of fellow named Troutbeck, who was always in +a funk lest he should make enemies; never reflecting that most men would +a little rather be his enemies than not. He had once been the ship's +cook, but had cooked so poisonously ill that he had been forcibly +transferred from galley to quarter-deck by the dyspeptic survivors of +his culinary career. + +The little captain went aft with me to listen to arguments of the +dissatisfied passengers and the obstinate steersman, as to whether we +should take our chances in the clouds, or tail off and run for the +opposite horizon; but on approaching the wheel, we found both helmsman +and passengers in a condition of profound astonishment, rolling their +eyes about towards every point of the compass, and shaking their heads +in hopeless perplexity. It was rather remarkable, certainly: the bank of +cloud which had worried the landsmen was now directly astern, and the +ship was cutting along lively in her own wake, toward the point from +which she had come, and straight away from Tottenham Court Road! +Everybody declared it was a miracle; the chaplain was piped up for +prayers, and the man at the wheel was as truly penitent as if he had +been detected robbing an empty poor-box. + +The explanation was simple enough, and dawned upon me the moment I saw +how matters stood. During the dispute between the helmsman and the +deputation, the former had renounced his wheel to gesticulate, and I, +thinking no harm, had amused myself, during a rather tedious debate, by +revolving the thing this way and that, and had unconsciously put the +ship about. By a coincidence not unusual in low latitudes, the wind had +effected a corresponding transposition at the same time, and was now +bowling us as merrily back toward the place where I had embarked, as it +had previously wafted us in the direction of Tottenham Court Road, where +I had an aunt. I must here so far anticipate, as to explain that some +years later these various incidents--particularly the reading of "Naseby +Fight"--led to the adoption, in our mercantile marine, of a rule which I +believe is still extant, to the effect that one must not speak to the +man at the wheel unless the man at the wheel speaks first. + + +II + +It is only by inadvertence that I have omitted the information that the +vessel in which I was now a pervading influence was the _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck, master), of Malvern Heights. + +The _Bonnyclabber's_ reactionary course had now brought her to the spot +at which I had taken passage. Passengers and crew, fatigued by their +somewhat awkward attempts to manifest their gratitude for our miraculous +deliverance from the cloud-bank, were snoring peacefully in unconsidered +attitudes about the deck, when the lookout man, perched on the supreme +extremity of the mainmast, consuming a cold sausage, began an apparently +preconcerted series of extraordinary and unimaginable noises. He +coughed, sneezed, and barked simultaneously--bleated in one breath, and +cackled in the next--sputteringly shrieked, and chatteringly squealed, +with a bass of suffocated roars. There were desolutory vocal explosions, +tapering off in long wails, half smothered in unintelligible small-talk. +He whistled, wheezed, and trumpeted; began to sharp, thought better of +it and flatted; neighed like a horse, and then thundered like a drum! +Through it all he continued making incomprehensible signals with one +hand while clutching his throat with the other. Presently he gave it up, +and silently descended to the deck. + +By this time we were all attention; and no sooner had he set foot +amongst us, than he was assailed with a tempest of questions which, had +they been visible, would have resembled a flight of pigeons. He made no +reply--not even by a look, but passed through our enclosing mass with a +grim, defiant step, a face deathly white, and a set of the jaw as of one +repressing an ambitious dinner, or ignoring a venomous toothache. For +the poor man was choking! + +Passing down the companion-way, the patient sought the surgeon's cabin, +with the ship's company at his heels. The surgeon was fast asleep, the +lark-like performance at the masthead having been inaudible in that +lower region. While some of us were holding a whisky-bottle to the +medical nose, in order to apprise the medical intelligence of the demand +upon it, the patient seated himself in statuesque silence. By this time +his pallor, which was but the mark of a determined mind, had given place +to a fervent crimson, which visibly deepened into a pronounced purple, +and was ultimately superseded by a clouded blue, shot through with +opalescent gleams, and smitten with variable streaks of black. The face +was swollen and shapeless, the neck puffy. The eyes protruded like pegs +of a hat-stand. + +Pretty soon the doctor was got awake, and after making a careful +examination of his patient, remarking that it was a lovely case of +_stopupagus oesophagi_, took a tool and set to work, producing with no +difficulty a cold sausage of the size, figure, and general bearing of a +somewhat self-important banana. The operation had been performed amid +breathless silence, but the moment it was concluded the patient, whose +neck and head had visibly collapsed, sprang to his feet and shouted: + +"Man overboard!" + +That is what he had been trying to say. + +There was a confused rush to the upper deck, and everybody flung +something over the ship's side--a life-belt, a chicken-coop, a coil of +rope, a spar, an old sail, a pocket handkerchief, an iron crowbar--any +movable article which it was thought might be useful to a drowning man +who had followed the vessel during the hour that had elapsed since the +initial alarm at the mast-head. In a few moments the ship was pretty +nearly dismantled of everything that could be easily renounced, and some +excitable passenger having cut away the boats there was nothing more +that we could do, though the chaplain explained that if the ill-fated +gentleman in the wet did not turn up after a while it was his intention +to stand at the stern and read the burial service of the Church of +England. + +Presently it occurred to some ingenious person to inquire who had gone +overboard, and all hands being mustered and the roll called, to our +great chagrin every man answered to his name, passengers and all! +Captain Troutbeck, however, held that in a matter of so great importance +a simple roll-call was insufficient, and with an assertion of authority +that was encouraging insisted that every person on board be separately +sworn. The result was the same; nobody was missing and the captain, +begging pardon for having doubted our veracity, retired to his cabin to +avoid further responsibility, but expressed a hope that for the purpose +of having everything properly recorded in the log-book we would apprise +him of any further action that we might think it advisable to take. I +smiled as I remembered that in the interest of the unknown gentleman +whose peril we had overestimated I had flung the log-book over the +ship's side. + +Soon afterward I felt suddenly inspired with one of those great ideas +that come to most men only once or twice in a lifetime, and to the +ordinary story teller never. Hastily reconvening the ship's company I +mounted the capstan and thus addressed them: + +"Shipmates, there has been a mistake. In the fervor of an ill-considered +compassion we have made pretty free with certain movable property of an +eminent firm of shipowners of Malvern Heights. For this we shall +undoubtedly be called to account if we are ever so fortunate as to drop +anchor in Tottenham Court Road, where I have an aunt. It would add +strength to our defence if we could show to the satisfaction of a jury +of our peers that in heeding the sacred promptings of humanity we had +acted with some small degree of common sense. If, for example, we could +make it appear that there really was a man overboard, who might have +been comforted and sustained by the material consolation that we so +lavishly dispensed in the form of buoyant articles belonging to others, +the British heart would find in that fact a mitigating circumstance +pleading eloquently in our favor. Gentlemen and ship's officers, I +venture to propose that we do now throw a man overboard." + +The effect was electrical: the motion was carried by acclamation and +there was a unanimous rush for the now wretched mariner whose false +alarm at the masthead was the cause of our embarrassment, but on second +thoughts it was decided to substitute Captain Troutbeck, as less +generally useful and more undeviatingly in error. The sailor had made +one mistake of considerable magnitude, but the captain's entire +existence was a mistake altogether. He was fetched up from his cabin and +chucked over. + +At 900 Tottenham Road Court lived an aunt of mine--a good old lady who +had brought me up by hand and taught me many wholesome lessons in +morality, which in my later life have proved of extreme value. Foremost +among these I may mention her solemn and oft-repeated injunction never +to tell a lie without a definite and specific reason for doing so. Many +years' experience in the violation of this principle enables me to speak +with authority as to its general soundness. I have, therefore, much +pleasure in making a slight correction in the preceding chapter of this +tolerably true history. It was there affirmed that I threw the +_Bonnyclabber's_ log-book into the sea. The statement is entirely false, +and I can discover no reason for having made it that will for a moment +weigh against those I now have for the preservation of that log-book. + +The progress of the story has developed new necessities, and I now find +it convenient to quote from that book passages which it could not have +contained if cast into the sea at the time stated; for if thrown upon +the resources of my imagination I might find the temptation to +exaggerate too strong to be resisted. + +It is needless to worry the reader with those entries in the book +referring to events already related. Our record will begin on the day of +the captain's consignment to the deep, after which era I made the +entries myself. + +"June 22nd.--Not much doing in the way of gales, but heavy swells left +over from some previous blow. Latitude and longitude not notably +different from last observation. Ship laboring a trifle, owing to lack +of top-hamper, everything of that kind having been cut away in +consequence of Captain Troutbeck having accidently fallen overboard +while fishing from the bowsprit. Also threw over cargo and everything +that we could spare. Miss our sails rather, but if they save our dear +captain, we shall be content. Weather flagrant. + +"23d.--Nothing from Captain Troutbeck. Dead calm--also dead whale. The +passengers having become preposterous in various ways, Mr. Martin, the +chief officer, had three of the ringleaders tied up and rope's-ended. He +thought it advisable also to flog an equal number of the crew, by way of +being impartial. Weather ludicrous. + +"24th.--Captain still prefers to stop away, and does not telegraph. The +'captain of the foretop'--there isn't any foretop now--was put in irons +to-day by Mr. Martin for eating cold sausage while on look-out. Mr. +Martin has flogged the steward, who had neglected to holy-stone the +binnacle and paint the dead-lights. The steward is a good fellow all the +same. Weather iniquitous. + +"25th.--Can't think whatever has become of Captain Troutbeck. He must be +getting hungry by this time; for although he has his fishing-tackle with +him, he has no bait. Mr. Martin inspected the entries in this book +to-day. He is a most excellent and humane officer. Weather inexcusable. + +"26th.--All hope of hearing from the Captain has been abandoned. We have +sacrificed everything to save him; but now, if we could procure the loan +of a mast and some sails, we should proceed on our voyage. Mr. Martin +has knocked the coxswain overboard for sneezing. He is an experienced +seaman, a capable officer, and a Christian gentleman--damn his eyes! +Weather tormenting. + +"27th.--Another inspection of this book by Mr. Martin. Farewell, vain +world! Break it gently to my aunt in Tottenham Court Road." + +In the concluding sentences of this record, as it now lies before me, +the handwriting is not very legible: they were penned under +circumstances singularly unfavorable. Mr. Martin stood behind me with +his eyes fixed on the page; and in order to secure a better view, had +twisted the machinery of the engine he called his hand into the hair of +my head, depressing that globe to such an extent that my nose was +flattened against the surface of the table, and I had no small +difficulty in discerning the lines through my eyebrows. I was not +accustomed to writing in that position: it had not been taught in the +only school that I ever attended. I therefore felt justified in bringing +the record to a somewhat abrupt close, and immediately went on deck with +Mr. Martin, he preceding me up the companion-stairs on foot, I +following, not on horseback, but on my own, the connection between us +being maintained without important alteration. + +Arriving on deck, I thought it advisable, in the interest of peace and +quietness, to pursue him in the same manner to the side of the ship, +where I parted from him forever with many expressions of regret, which +might have been heard at a considerable distance. + +Of the subsequent fate of the _Bonnyclabber_, I can only say that the +log-book from which I have quoted was found some years later in the +stomach of a whale, along with some shreds of clothing, a few buttons +and several decayed life-belts. It contained only one new entry, in a +straggling handwriting, as if it had been penned in the dark: + +"july2th foundered svivors rescude by wale wether stuffy no nues from +capting trowtbeck Sammle martin cheef Ofcer." + +Let us now take a retrospective glance at the situation. The ship +_Nupple-duck_, (Abersouth, master) had, it will be remembered, gone down +with all on board except me. I had escaped on the ship _Bonnyclabber_ +(Troutbeck) which I had quitted owing to a misunderstanding with the +chief officer, and was now unattached. That is how matters stood when, +rising on an unusually high wave, and casting my eye in the direction of +Tottenham Court Road--that is, backward along the course pursued by the +_Bonnyclabber_ and toward the spot at which the _Nupple-duck_ had been +swallowed up--I saw a quantity of what appeared to be wreckage. It +turned out to be some of the stuff that we had thrown overboard under a +misapprehension. The several articles had been compiled and, so to +speak, carefully edited. They were, in fact, lashed together, forming a +raft. On a stool in the center of it--not, apparently navigating it, but +rather with the subdued and dignified bearing of a passenger, sat +Captain Abersouth, of the _Nupple-duck_, reading a novel. + +Our meeting was not cordial. He remembered me as a man of literary taste +superior to his own and harbored resentment, and although he made no +opposition to my taking passage with him I could see that his +acquiescence was due rather to his muscular inferiority than to the +circumstance that I was damp and taking cold. Merely acknowledging his +presence with a nod as I climbed abroad, I seated myself and inquired if +he would care to hear the concluding stanzas of "Naseby Fight." + +"No," he replied, looking up from his novel, "no, Claude Reginald Gump, +writer of sea stories, I've done with you. When you sank the +_Nupple-duck_ some days ago you probably thought that you had made an +end of me. That was clever of you, but I came to the surface and +followed the other ship--the one on which you escaped. It was I that the +sailor saw from the masthead. I saw him see me. It was for me that all +that stuff was hove overboard. Good--I made it into this raft. It was, I +think, the next day that I passed the floating body of a man whom I +recognized as, my old friend Billy Troutbeck--he used to be a cook on a +man-o'-war. It gives me pleasure to be the means of saving your life, +but I eschew you. The moment that we reach port our paths part. You +remember that in the very first sentence of this story you began to +drive my ship, the _Nupple-duck_, on to a reef of coral." + +I was compelled to confess that this was true, and he continued his +inhospitable reproaches: + +"Before you had written half a column you sent her to the bottom, with +me and the crew. But _you_--you escaped." + +"That is true," I replied; "I cannot deny that the facts are correctly +stated." + +"And in a story before that, you took me and my mates of the ship +_Camel_ into the heart of the South Polar Sea and left us frozen dead in +the ice, like flies in amber. But you did not leave yourself there--you +escaped." + +"Really, Captain," I said, "your memory is singularly accurate, +considering the many hardships that you have had to undergo; many a man +would have gone mad." + +"And a long time before that," Captain Abersouth resumed, after a pause, +more, apparently, to con his memory than to enjoy my good opinion of it, +"you lost me at sea--look here; I didn't read anything but George Eliot +at that time, but I'm _told_ that you lost me at sea in the _Mudlark_. +Have I been misinformed?" + +I could not say he had been misinformed. + +"You yourself escaped on that occasion, I think." + +It was true. Being usually the hero of my own stories, I commonly do +manage to live through one, in order to figure to advantage in the next. +It is from artistic necessity: no reader would take much interest in a +hero who was dead before the beginning of the tale. I endeavored to +explain this to Captain Abersouth. He shook his head. + +"No," said he, "it's cowardly, that's the way I look at it." + +Suddenly an effulgent idea began to dawn upon me, and I let it have its +way until my mind was perfectly luminous. Then I rose from my seat, and +frowning down into the upturned face of my accuser, spoke in severe and +rasping accents thus: + +"Captain Abersouth, in the various perils you and I have encountered +together in the classical literature of the period, if I have always +escaped and you have always perished; if I lost you at sea in the +_Mudlark_, froze you into the ice at the South Pole in the _Camel_ and +drowned you in the _Nupple-duck_, pray be good enough to tell me whom I +have the honor to address." + +It was a blow to the poor man: no one was ever so disconcerted. Flinging +aside his novel, he put up his hands and began to scratch his head and +think. It was beautiful to see him think, but it seemed to distress him +and pointing significantly over the side of the raft I suggested as +delicately as possible that it was time to act. He rose to his feet and +fixing upon me a look of reproach which I shall remember as long as I +can, cast himself into the deep. As to me--I escaped. + + + + +A CARGO OF CAT + + +On the 16th day of June, 1874, the ship _Mary Jane_ sailed from Malta, +heavily laden with cat. This cargo gave us a good deal of trouble. It +was not in bales, but had been dumped into the hold loose. Captain +Doble, who had once commanded a ship that carried coals, said he had +found that plan the best. When the hold was full of cat the hatch was +battened down and we felt good. Unfortunately the mate, thinking the +cats would be thirsty, introduced a hose into one of the hatches and +pumped in a considerable quantity of water, and the cats of the lower +levels were all drowned. + +You have seen a dead cat in a pond: you remember its circumference at +the waist. Water multiplies the magnitude of a dead cat by ten. On the +first day out, it was observed that the ship was much strained. She was +three feet wider than usual and as much as ten feet shorter. The +convexity of her deck was visibly augmented fore and aft, but she turned +up at both ends. Her rudder was clean out of water and she would answer +the helm only when running directly against a strong breeze: the rudder, +when perverted to one side, would rub against the wind and slew her +around; and then she wouldn't steer any more. Owing to the curvature of +the keel, the masts came together at the top, and a sailor who had gone +up the foremast got bewildered, came down the mizzenmast, looked out +over the stern at the receding shores of Malta and shouted: "Land, ho!" +The ship's fastenings were all giving way; the water on each side was +lashed into foam by the tempest of flying bolts that she shed at every +pulsation of the cargo. She was quietly wrecking herself without +assistance from wind or wave, by the sheer internal energy of feline +expansion. + +I went to the skipper about it. He was in his favorite position, sitting +on the deck, supporting his back against the binnacle, making a V of his +legs, and smoking. + +"Captain Doble," I said, respectfully touching my hat, which was really +not worthy of respect, "this floating palace is afflicted with curvature +of the spine and is likewise greatly swollen." + +Without raising his eyes he courteously acknowledged my presence by +knocking the ashes from his pipe. + +"Permit me, Captain," I said, with simple dignity, "to repeat that this +ship is much swollen." + +"If that is true," said the gallant mariner, reaching for his tobacco +pouch, "I think it would be as well to swab her down with liniment. +There's a bottle of it in my cabin. Better suggest it to the mate." + +"But, Captain, there is no time for empirical treatment; some of the +planks at the water line have started." + +The skipper rose and looked out over the stern, toward the land; he +fixed his eyes on the foaming wake; he gazed into the water to starboard +and to port. Then he said: + +"My friend, the whole darned thing has started." + +Sadly and silently I turned from that obdurate man and walked forward. +Suddenly "there was a burst of thunder sound!" The hatch that had held +down the cargo was flung whirling into space and sailed in the air like +a blown leaf. Pushing upward through the hatchway was a smooth, square +column of cat. Grandly and impressively it grew--slowly, serenely, +majestically it rose toward the welkin, the relaxing keel parting the +mastheads to give it a fair chance. I have stood at Naples and seen +Vesuvius painting the town red--from Catania have marked afar, upon the +flanks of AEtna, the lava's awful pursuit of the astonished rooster and +the despairing pig. The fiery flow from Kilauea's crater, thrusting +itself into the forests and licking the entire country clean, is as +familiar to me as my mother-tongue. I have seen glaciers, a thousand +years old and quite bald, heading for a valley full of tourists at the +rate of an inch a month. I have seen a saturated solution of mining camp +going down a mountain river, to make a sociable call on the valley +farmers. I have stood behind a tree on the battle-field and seen a +compact square mile of armed men moving with irresistible momentum to +the rear. Whenever anything grand in magnitude or motion is billed to +appear I commonly manage to beat my way into the show, and in reporting +it I am a man of unscrupulous veracity; but I have seldom observed +anything like that solid gray column of Maltese cat! + +It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each individual grimalkin +in the outfit, with that readiness of resource which distinguishes the +species, had grappled with tooth and nail as many others as it could +hook on to. This preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff +that when the ship rolled (and the _Mary Jane_ was a devil to roll) it +swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if it grew much +taller he would have to order it cut away or it would capsize us. + +Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these discharged +nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from his toes and +shouted: "Let go the anchor!" but being assured that nobody was touching +it, apologized and resumed his revery. The chaplain said if there were +no objections he would like to offer up a prayer, and a gambler from +Chicago, producing a pack of cards, proposed to throw round for the +first jack. The parson's plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final +"amen," the cats struck up a hymn. + +All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother's son of them +sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. Nearly all their notes +in the upper register were more or less cracked and disobedient. The +remarkable thing about the voices was their range. In that crowd were +cats of seventeen octaves, and the average could not have been less than +twelve. + + Number of cats, as per invoice..... 127,000 + Estimated number dead swellers..... 6,000 + ------- + Total songsters................ 121,000 + Average number octaves per cat..... 12 + ------- + Total octaves................ 1,452,000 + +It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, counting +each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, and we could not +go below for provisions. At the end of that time the cook came for'd +shaking up some beans in a hat, and holding a large knife. + +"Shipmates," said he, "we have done all that mortals can do. Let us now +draw lots." + +We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook was forcing +the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the concert closed with a +suddenness that waked the man on the lookout. A moment later every +grimalkin relaxed his hold on his neighbors, the column lost its +cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, sickening thuds that beat as one, the +whole business fell to the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that +feline host sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for +the African shore! + +The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, resembles in +shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within sight of it. The cats in +the fabric had spied it, and their alert imaginations were instantly +affected with a lively sense of the size, weight and probable momentum +of its flung bootjack. + + + + +"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW + + + + +I + +THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE + + +It is deserving of remark and censure that American literature is become +shockingly moral. There is not a doubt of it; our writers, if accused, +would make explicit confession that morality is their only +fault--morality in the strict and specific sense. Far be it from me to +disparage and belittle this decent tendency to ignore the largest side +of human nature, and liveliest element of literary interest. It has an +eminence of its own; if it is not great art, it is at least great +folly--a superior sort of folly to which none of the masters of letters +has ever attained. Not Shakspeare, nor Cervantes, nor Goethe, nor +Moliere, nor--no, not even Rabelais--ever achieved that shining pinnacle +of propriety to which the latter-day American has aspired, by turning +his back upon nature's broad and fruitful levels and his eyes upon the +passionate altitudes where, throned upon congenial ice, Miss Nancy sits +to censure letters, putting the Muses into petticoats and affixing a +fig-leaf upon Truth. Ours are an age and country of expurgated editions, +emasculated art, and social customs that look over the top of a fan. + + Lo! prude-eyed Primdimity, mother of Gush, + Sex-conscious, invoking the difficult blush; + At vices that plague us and sins that beset + Sternly directing her private lorgnette, + Whose lenses, self-searching instinctive for sin, + Make image without of the fancies within. + Itself, if examined, would show us, alas! + A tiny transparency (French) on each glass. + +Now, prudery in letters, if it would but have the goodness not to +coexist with prudery in life, might be suffered with easy fortitude, +inasmuch as one needs not read what one does not like; and between the +license of the dear old bucks above mentioned, and the severities of +Miss Nancy Howells, and Miss Nancy James, Jr., of t'other school, there +is latitude for gratification of individual taste. But it occurs that a +literature rather accurately reflects all the virtues and other vices of +its period and country, and its tendencies are but the matchings of +thought with action. Hence, we may reasonably expect to find--and +indubitably shall find--certain well-marked correspondences between the +literary faults which it pleases our writers to commit and the social +crimes which it pleases the Adversary to see their readers commit. +Within the current lustrum the prudery which had already, for some +seasons, been achieving a vinegar-visaged and corkscrew-curled certain +age in letters, has invaded the ball-room, and is infesting it in +quantity. Supportable, because evitable, in letters, it is here, for the +contrary reason, insufferable; for one must dance and enjoy one's self +whether one like it or not. Pleasure, I take it, is a duty not to be +shirked at the command of disinclination. Youth, following the bent of +inherited instinct, and loyally conforming himself to the centuries, +must shake a leg in the dance, and Age, from emulation and habit, and +for denial of rheumatic incapacity, must occasionally twist his heel +though he twist it off in the performance. Dance we must, and dance we +shall; that is settled; the question of magnitude is, Shall we caper +jocundly with the good grace of an easy conscience, or submit to shuffle +half-heartedly with a sense of shame, wincing under the slow stroke of +our own rebuking eye? To this momentous question let us now +intelligently address our minds, sacredly pledged, as becomes lovers of +truth, to its determination in the manner most agreeable to our desires; +and if, in pursuance of this laudable design, we have the unhappiness to +bother the bunions decorating the all-pervading feet of the good people +whose deprecations are voiced in _The Dance of Death_ and the clamatory +literature of which that blessed volume was the honored parent, upon +their own corns be it; they should not have obtruded these eminences + + when youth and pleasure meet + To chase the glowing hours with flying feet. + +What, therefore, whence, and likewise why, is dancing? From what flower +of nature, fertilized by what pollen of circumstance or necessity, is it +the fruit? Let us go to the root of the matter. + + + + +II + +THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD + + +Nature takes a childish delight in tireless repetition. The days repeat +themselves, the tides ebb and flow, the tree sways forth and back. This +world is intent upon recurrences. Not the pendulum of a clock is more +persistent of iteration than are all existing things; periodicity is the +ultimate law and largest explanation of the universe--to do it over +again the one insatiable ambition of all that is. Everything vibrates; +through vibration alone do the senses discern it. We are not provided +with means of cognizance of what is absolutely at rest; impressions come +in waves. Recurrence, recurrence, and again recurrence--that is the sole +phenomenon. With what fealty we submit us to the law which compels the +rhythm and regularity to our movement--that makes us divide up passing +time into brief equal intervals, marking them off by some method of +physical notation, so that our senses may apprehend them! In all we do +we unconsciously mark time like a clock, the leader of an orchestra with +his _baton_ only more perfectly than the smith with his hammer, or the +woman with her needle, because his hand is better assisted by his ear, +less embarrassed with _impedimenta_. The pedestrian impelling his legs +and the idler twiddling his thumbs are endeavoring, each in his +unconscious way, to beat time to some inaudible music; and the graceless +lout, sitting cross-legged in a horse-car, manages the affair with his +toe. + +The more intently we labor, the more intensely do we become absorbed in +labor's dumb song, until with body and mind engaged in the ecstacy of +repetition, we resent an interruption of our work as we do a false note +in music, and are mightily enamored of ourselves afterward for the power +of application which was simply inability to desist. In this rhythm of +toil is to be found the charm of industry. Toil has in itself no spell +to conjure with, but its recurrences of molecular action, cerebral and +muscular, are as delightful as rhyme. + +Such of our pleasures as require movements equally rhythmic with those +entailed by labor are almost equally agreeable, with the added advantage +of being useless. Dancing, which is not only rhythmic movement, pure and +simple, undebased with any element of utility, but is capable of +performance under conditions positively baneful, is for these reasons +the most engaging of them all; and if it were but one-half as wicked as +the prudes have endeavored by method of naughty suggestion to make it +would lack of absolute bliss nothing but the other half. + +This ever active and unabatable something within us which compels us +always to be marking time we may call, for want of a better name, the +instinct of rhythm. It is the aesthetic principle of our nature. +Translated into words it has given us poetry; into sound, music; into +motion, dancing. Perhaps even painting may be referred to it, space +being the correlative of time, and color the correlative of tone. We are +fond of arranging our minute intervals of time into groups. We find +certain of these groups highly agreeable, while others are no end +unpleasant. In the former there is a singular regularity to be observed, +which led hard-headed old Leibnitz to the theory that our delight in +music arises from an inherent affection for mathematics. Yet musicians +have hitherto obtained but indifferent recognition for feats of +calculation, nor have the singing and playing of renowned mathematicians +been unanimously commended by good judges. + +Music so intensifies and excites the instinct of rhythm that a strong +volition is required to repress its physical expression. The +universality of this is well illustrated by the legend, found in some +shape in many countries and languages, of the boy with the fiddle who +compels king, cook, peasant, clown, and all that kind of people, to +follow him through the land; and in the myth of the Pied Piper of +Hamelin we discern abundant reason to think the instinct of rhythm an +attribute of rats. Soldiers march so much livelier with music than +without that it has been found a tolerably good substitute for the hope +of plunder. When the foot-falls are audible, as on the deck of a +steamer, walking has an added pleasure, and even the pirate, with gentle +consideration for the universal instinct, suffers his vanquished foeman +to walk the plank. + +Dancing is simply marking time with the body, as an accompaniment to +music, though the same--without the music--is done with only the head +and forefinger in a New England meeting-house at psalm time. (The +peculiar dance named in honor of St. Vitus is executed with or without +music, at the option of the musician.) But the body is a clumsy piece of +machinery, requiring some attention and observation to keep it +accurately in time to the fiddling. The smallest diversion of the +thought, the briefest relaxing of the mind, is fatal to the performance. +'Tis as easy to fix attention on a sonnet of Shakspeare while working at +whist as gloat upon your partner while waltzing. It can not be +intelligently, appreciatively, and adequately accomplished--_crede +expertum_. + +On the subject of poetry, Emerson says: "Metre begins with pulse-beat, +and the length of lines in songs and poems is determined by the +inhalation and exhalation of the lungs," and this really goes near to +the root of the matter; albeit we might derive therefrom the unsupported +inference that a poet "fat and scant of breath" would write in lines of +a foot each, while the more able-bodied bard, with the capacious lungs +of a pearl-diver, would deliver himself all across his page, with "the +spacious volubility of a drumming decasyllabon." + +While the heart, working with alternate contraction and dilatation, +sends the blood intermittently through the brain, and the outer world +apprises us of its existence only by successive impulses, it must result +that our sense of things will be rhythmic. The brain being alternately +stimulated and relaxed we must think--as we feel--in waves, apprehending +nothing continuously, and incapable of a consciousness that is not +divisible into units of perception of which we make mental record and +physical sign. That is why we dance. That is why we can, may, must, +will, and shall dance, and the gates of Philistia shall not prevail +against us. + + La valse legere, la valse legere, + The free, the bright, the debonair, + That stirs the strong, and fires the fair + With joy like wine of vintage rare-- + That lends the swiftly circling pair + A short surcease of killing care, + With music in the dreaming air, + With elegance and grace to spare. + Vive! vive la valse, la valse legere! + + --_George Jessop_. + + + + +III + +THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT + + +Our civilization--wise child!--knows its father in the superior +civilization whose colossal vestiges are found along the Nile. To those, +then, who see in the dance a civilizing art, it can not be wholly +unprofitable to glance at this polite accomplishment as it existed among +the ancient Egyptians, and was by them transmitted--with various +modifications, but preserving its essentials of identity--to other +nations and other times. And here we have first to note that, as in all +the nations of antiquity, the dance in Egypt was principally a religious +ceremony; the pious old boys that builded the pyramids executed their +jigs as an act of worship. Diodorus Siculus informs us that Osiris, in +his proselyting travels among the peoples surrounding Egypt--for Osiris +was what we would call a circuit preacher--was accompanied by dancers +male and dancers female. From the sculptures on some of the oldest tombs +of Thebes it is seen that the dances there depicted did not greatly +differ from those in present favor in the same region; although it seems +a fair inference from the higher culture and refinement of the elder +period that they were distinguished by graces correspondingly superior. +That dances having the character of religious rites were not always free +from an element that we would term indelicacy, but which their +performers and witnesses probably considered the commendable exuberance +of zeal and devotion, is manifest from the following passage of +Herodotus, in which reference is made to the festival of Bubastis: + + Men and women come sailing all together, vast numbers in each boat, + many of the women with castanets, which they strike, while some of + the men pipe during the whole period of the voyage; the remainder of + the voyagers, male and female, sing the while, and make a clapping + with their hands. When they arrive opposite to any town on the banks + of the stream they approach the shore, and while some of the women + continue to play and sing, others call aloud to the females of the + place and load them with abuse, a certain number dancing and others + standing up, uncovering themselves. Proceeding in this way all along + the river course they reach Bubastis, where they celebrate the feast + with abundant sacrifice. + +Of the mysteries of Isis and Osiris, in which dancing played an +important part, the character of the ceremonies is matter of dim +conjecture; but from the hints that have come down to us like +significant shrugs and whispers from a discreet past, which could say a +good deal more if it had a mind to, I hasten to infer that they were no +better than they should have been. + +Naturally the dances for amusement of others were regulated in movement +and gesture to suit the taste of patrons: for the refined, decency and +moderation; for the wicked, _a soupcon_ of the other kind of excellence. +In the latter case the buffoon, an invariable adjunct, committed a +thousand extravagances, and was a dear, delightful, naughty ancient +Egyptian buffoon. These dances were performed by both men and women; +sometimes together, more frequently in separate parties. The men seem to +have confined themselves mostly to exercises requiring strength of leg +and arm. The figures on the tombs represent men in lively and vigorous +postures, some in attitude preliminary to leaping, others in the air. +This feature of agility would be a novelty in the oriental dances of +to-day; the indolent male spectator being satisfied with a slow, +voluptuous movement congenial to his disposition. When, on the contrary, +the performance of our prehistoric friends was governed and determined +by ideas of grace, there were not infrequently from six to eight musical +instruments, the harp, guitar, double-pipe, lyre, and tambourine of the +period being most popular, and these commonly accompanied by a clapping +of hands to mark the time. + +As with the Greeks, dancers were had in at dinner to make merry; for +although the upper-class Egyptian was forbidden to practice the art, +either as an accomplishment or for the satisfaction of his emotional +nature, it was not considered indecorous to hire professionals to +perform before him and his female and young. The she dancer usually +habited herself in a loose, flowing robe, falling to the ankles and +bound at the waist, while about the hips was fastened a narrow, ornate +girdle. This costume--in point of opacity imperfectly superior to a +gentle breeze--is not always discernible in the sculptures; but it is +charitably believed that the pellucid garment, being merely painted over +the figures, has been ravished away by the hand of Time--the wretch! + +One of the dances was a succession of pleasing attitudes, the hands and +arms rendering important assistance--the body bending backward and +forward and swaying laterally, the _figurante_ sometimes half-kneeling, +and in that position gracefully posturing, and again balanced on one +foot, the arms and hands waving slowly in time to the music. In another +dance, the _pirouette_ and other figures dear to the bald-headed beaux +of the modern play-house, were practiced in the familiar way. Four +thousand years ago, the senses of the young ancient Egyptian--wild, +heady lad!--were kicked into confusion by the dark-skinned belle of the +ballet, while senility, with dimmed eyes, rubbed its dry hands in +feverish approval at the self-same feat. Dear, dear, but it was a bad +world four thousand years ago! + +Sometimes they danced in pairs, men with men and women with women, +indifferently, the latter arrangement seeming to us preferable by reason +of the women's conspicuously superior grace and almost equal agility; +for it is in evidence on the tombs that tumblers and acrobats were +commonly of the softer sex. Some of the attitudes were similar to those +which drew from Socrates the ungallant remark that women were capable of +learning anything which you will that they should know. The figures in +this _pas de deux_ appear frequently to have terminated in what +children, with their customary coarseness of speech, are pleased to call +"wringing the dish-clout"--clasping the hands, throwing the arms above +the head and turning rapidly, each as on a pivot, without loosing the +hands of the other, and resting again in position. + +Sometimes, with no other music than the percussion of hands, a man would +execute a _pas seul_, which it is to be presumed he enjoyed. Again, with +a riper and better sense of musical methods, the performer accompanied +himself, or, as in this case it usually was, herself, on the +double-pipes, the guitar or the tambourine, while the familiar +hand-clapping was done by attendants. A step not unlike that of the +abominable clog dance of the "variety" stage and "music hall" of the +present day consisted in striking the heel of first one foot and then +the other, the hands and arms being employed to diminish the monotony of +the movement. For amusement and instruction of the vulgar, buffoons in +herds of ten or more in fested the streets, hopping and posing to the +sound of a drum. + +As illustrating the versatility of the dance, its wide capacities of +adaptation to human emotional needs, I may mention here the procession +of women to the tomb of a friend or relative Punishing the tambourine or +_dara booka_ drum, and bearing branches of palm or other symbolic +vegetables, these sprightly mourners passed through the streets with +songs and dances which, under the circumstances, can hardly have failed +eminently to gratify the person so fortunate as to have his memory +honored by so delicate and appropriate observance. + + + + +IV + +A REEF IN THE GABARDINE + + +The early Jew danced ritually and socially. Some of his dances and the +customs connected therewith were of his own devising; others he picked +up in Egypt, the latter, no doubt, being more firmly fixed in his memory +by the necessity of practicing them--albeit behind the back of +Moses--while he had them still fresh in his mind; for he would naturally +resort to every human and inhuman device to wile away the dragging +decades consumed in tracing the labyrinthine sinuosities of his course +in the wilderness. When a man has assurance that he will not be +permitted to arrive at the point for which he set out, perceiving that +every step forward is a step wasted, he will pretty certainly use his +feet to a better purpose than walking. Clearly, at a time when all the +chosen people were Wandering Jews they would dance all they knew how. We +know that they danced in worship of the Golden Calf, and that previously +"Miriam the prophetess, sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and +all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances." And +ever so many generations before, Laban complained to Jacob that Jacob +had stolen away instead of letting him send him off with songs and mirth +and music on the tabret and harp, a method of speeding the parting guest +which would naturally include dancing, although the same is not of +explicit record. + +The religious ceremonies of the Jews had not at all times the restraint +and delicacy which it is to be wished the Lord had exacted, for we read +of King David himself dancing before the Ark in a condition so nearly +nude as greatly to scandalize the daughter of Saul. By the way, this +incident has been always a stock argument for the extinction and decent +interment of the unhappy anti dancer. Conceding the necessity of his +extinction, I am yet indisposed to attach much weight to the Davidian +precedent, for it does not appear that he was acting under divine +command, directly or indirectly imparted, and whenever he followed the +hest of his own sweet will David had a notable knack at going wrong. +Perhaps the best value of the incident consists in the evidence it +supplies that dancing was not forbidden--save possibly by divine +injunction--to the higher classes of Jews, for unless we are to suppose +the dancing of David to have been the mere clumsy capering of a loutish +mood (a theory which our respect for royalty, even when divested of its +imposing externals, forbids us to entertain) we are bound to assume +previous instruction and practice in the art. We have, moreover, the +Roman example of the daughter of Herodias, whose dancing before Herod +was so admirably performed that she was suitably rewarded with a +testimonial of her step father's esteem. To these examples many more +might be added, showing by cumulative evidence that among the ancient +people whose religion was good enough for us to adopt and improve, +dancing was a polite and proper accomplishment, although not always +decorously executed on seasonable occasion. + + + + +V + +ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING + + +The nearly oldest authentic human records now decipherable are the +cuneiform inscriptions from the archives of Assurbanipal, translated by +the late George Smith, of the British Museum, and in them we find +abundant reference to the dance, but must content ourselves with a +single one. + + The kings of Arabia who against my agreement, + sinned, whom in the midst of battle alive I had captured + in hand, to make that Bitrichiti Heavy burdens I + caused them to carry and I caused them to take + building its brick work with dancing and + music with joy and shouting from the found + ation to its roof I built + + +A Mesopotamian king, who had the genius to conceive the dazzling idea of +communicating with the readers of this distant generation by taking +impressions of carpet tacks on cubes of unbaked clay is surely entitled +to a certain veneration, and when he associates dancing with such +commendable actions as making porters of his royal captives it is not +becoming in us meaner mortals to set up a contrary opinion. Indeed +nothing can be more certain than that the art of dancing was not +regarded by the ancients generally in the light of a frivolous +accomplishment, nor its practice a thing wherewith to shoo away a +tedious hour. In their minds it evidently had a certain dignity and +elevation, so much so that they associated it with their ideas +(tolerably correct ones, on the whole) of art, harmony, beauty, truth +and religion With them, dancing bore a relation to walking and the +ordinary movements of the limbs similar to that which poetry bears to +prose, and as our own Emerson--himself something of an ancient--defines +poetry as the piety of the intellect, so Homer would doubtless have +defined dancing as the devotion of the body if he had had the +unspeakable advantage of a training in the Emerson school of epigram. +Such a view of it is natural to the unsophisticated pagan mind, and to +all minds of clean, wholesome, and simple understanding. It is only the +intellect that has been subjected to the strain of overwrought religious +enthusiasm of the more sombre sort that can discern a lurking devil in +the dance, or anything but an exhilarating and altogether delightful +outward manifestation of an inner sense of harmony, joy and well being. +Under the stress of morbid feeling, or the overstrain of religious +excitement, coarsely organized natures see or create something gross and +prurient in things intrinsically sweet and pure, and it happens that +when the dance has fallen to their shaping and direction, as in +religious rites, then it has received its most objectionable development +and perversion. But the grossness of dances devised by the secular mind +for purposes of aesthetic pleasure is all in the censorious critic, who +deserves the same kind of rebuke administered by Dr. Johnson to Boswell, +who asked the Doctor if he considered a certain nude statue immodest. +"No, sir, but your question is." + +It would be an unfortunate thing, indeed, if the "prurient prudes" of +the meeting houses were permitted to make the laws by which society +should be governed. The same unhappy psychological condition which makes +the dance an unclean thing in their jaundiced eyes renders it impossible +for them to enjoy art or literature when the subject is natural, the +treatment free and joyous. The ingenuity that can discover an indelicate +provocative in the waltz will have no difficulty in snouting out all +manner of uncleanliness in Shakspeare, Chaucer, Boccacio--nay, even in +the New Testament. It would detect an unpleasant suggestiveness in the +Medicean Venus, and two in the Dancing Faun. To all such the ordinary +functions of life are impure, the natural man and woman things to blush +at, all the economies of nature full of shocking improprieties. + +In the Primitive Church dancing was a religious rite, no less than it +was under the older dispensation among the Jews. On the eve of sacred +festivals, the young people were accustomed to assemble, sometimes +before the church door, sometimes in the choir or nave of the church, +and dance and sing hymns in honor of the saint whose festival it was. +Easter Sunday, especially, was so celebrated; and rituals of a +comparatively modern date contain the order in which it is appointed +that the dances are to be performed, and the words of the hymns to the +music of which the youthful devotees flung up their pious heels But I +digress. + +In Plato's time the Greeks held that dancing awakened and preserved in +the soul--as I do not doubt that it does--the sentiment of harmony and +proportion; and in accordance with this idea Simonides, with a happy +knack at epigram, defined dances as "poems in dumb show." + +In his _Republic_ Plato classifies the Grecian dances as domestic, +designed for relaxation and amusement, military, to promote strength and +activity in battle; and religious, to accompany the sacred songs at +pious festivals. To the last class belongs the dance which Theseus is +said to have instituted on his return from Crete, after having abated +the Minotaur nuisance. At the head of a noble band of youth, this public +spirited reformer of abuses himself executed his dance. Theseus as a +dancing-master does not much fire the imagination, it is true, but the +incident has its value and purpose in this dissertation. Theseus called +his dance _Geranos_, or the "Crane," because its figures resembled those +described by that fowl aflight; and Plutarch fancied he discovered in it +a meaning which one does not so readily discover in Plutarch's +explanation. + +It is certain that, in the time of Anacreon[A], the Greeks loved the +dance. That poet, with frequent repetition, felicitates himself that age +has not deprived him of his skill in it. In Ode LIII, he declares that +in the dance he renews his youth + + When I behold the festive train + Of dancing youth, I'm young again + + And let me, while the wild and young + Trip the mazy dance along + Fling my heap of years away + And be as wild, as young as they + + --_Moore_ + + +[Footnote A: It may be noted here that the popular conception of this +poet as a frivolous sensualist is unsustained by evidence and repudiated +by all having knowledge of the matter. Although love and wine were his +constant themes, there is good ground for the belief that he wrote of +them with greater _abandon_ than he indulged in them--a not uncommon +practice of the poet-folk, by the way, and one to which those who sing +of deeds of arms are perhaps especially addicted. The great age which +Anacreon attained points to a temperate life; and he more than once +denounces intoxication with as great zeal as a modern reformer who has +eschewed the flagon for the trencher. According to Anacreon, drunkenness +is "the vice of barbarians;" though, for the matter of that, it is +difficult to say what achievable vice is not. In Ode LXII, he sings: + + Fill me, boy, as deep a draught + As e'er was filled, as e'er was quaffed; + But let the water amply flow + To cool the grape's intemperate glow. + * * * * * + For though the bowl's the grave of sadness + Ne'er let it be the birth of madness + No! banish from our board to night + The revelries of rude delight + To Scythians leave these wild excesses + Ours be the joy that soothes and blesses! + And while the temperate bowl we wreathe + In concert let our voices breathe + Beguiling every hour along + With harmony of soul and song + +Maximus of Tyre speaking of Polycrates the Tyrant (tyrant, be it +remembered, meant only usurper, not oppressor) considered the happiness +of that potentate secure because he had a powerful navy and such a +friend as Anacreon--the word navy naturally suggesting cold water, and +cold water, Anacreon.] + + +And so in Ode LIX, which seems to be a vintage hymn. + + When he whose verging years decline + As deep into the vale as mine + When he inhales the vintage cup + His feet new winged from earth spring up + And as he dances the fresh air + Plays whispering through his silvery hair + + --_Id_ + +In Ode XLVII, he boasts that age has not impaired his relish for, nor +his power of indulgence in, the feast and dance. + + Tis true my fading years decline + Yet I can quaff the brimming wine + As deep as any stripling fair + Whose cheeks the flush of morning wear, + And if amidst the wanton crew + I'm called to wind the dance's clew + Then shalt thou see this vigorous hand + Not faltering on the Bacchant's wand + + For though my fading years decay-- + Though manhood's prime hath passed away, + Like old Silenus sire divine + With blushes borrowed from the wine + I'll wanton mid the dancing tram + And live my follies o'er again + + --_Id_ + +Cornelius Nepos, I think, mentions among the admirable qualities of the +great Epaminondas that he had an extraordinary talent for music and +dancing. Epaminondas accomplishing his jig must be accepted as a +pleasing and instructive figure in the history of the dance. + +Lucian says that a dancer must have some skill as an actor, and some +acquaintance with mythology--the reason being that the dances at the +festivals of the gods partook of the character of pantomime, and +represented the most picturesque events and passages in the popular +religion. Religious knowledge is happily no longer regarded as a +necessary qualification for the dance, and, in point of fact no thing is +commonly more foreign to the minds of those who excel in it. + +It is related of Aristides the Just that he danced at an entertainment +given by Dionysius the Tyrant, and Plato, who was also a guest, probably +confronted him in the set. + +The "dance of the wine press," described by Longinus, was originally +modest and proper, but seems to have become in the process of time--and +probably by the stealthy participation of disguised prudes--a kind of +_can can_. + +In the high noon of human civilization--in the time of Pericles at +Athens--dancing seems to have been regarded as a civilizing and refining +amusement in which the gravest dignitaries and most renowned worthies +joined with indubitable alacrity, if problematic advantage. Socrates +himself--at an advanced age, too--was persuaded by the virtuous Aspasia +to cut his caper with the rest of them. + +Horace (Ode IX, Book I,) exhorts the youth not to despise the dance: + + Nec dulcis amores + Sperne puer, neque tu choreas. + +Which may be freely translated thus: + + Boy, in Love's game don't miss a trick, + Nor be in the dance a walking stick. + +In Ode IV, Book I, he says: + + Jam Cytherea choros ducit, inminente Luna + Junctaeque Nymphis Gratiae decentes + Alterno terram quatiunt pede, etc. + + At moonrise, Venus and her joyous band + Of Nymphs and Graces leg it o'er the land + +In Ode XXXVI, Book I (supposed to have been written when Numida returned +from the war in Spain, with Augustus, and referring to which an old +commentator says "We may judge with how much tenderness Horace loved his +friends, when he celebrates their return with sacrifices, songs, and +dances") Horace writes + + Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota + Neu promtae modus amphorae + Neu morem in Salium sit requies pedum etc. + + Let not the day forego its mark + Nor lack the wine jug's honest bark + Like Salian priests we'll toss our toes-- + Choose partners for the dance--here goes! + +It has been hastily inferred that, in the time of Cicero, dancing was +not held in good repute among the Romans, but I prefer to consider his +ungracious dictum (in _De Ami citia_, I think,) "_Nemo sobrius +saltat_"--no sober man dances--as merely the spiteful and envious fling +of a man who could not himself dance, and am disposed to congratulate +the golden youth of the Eternal City on the absence of the solemn +consequential and egotistic orator from their festivals and merry +makings whence his shining talents would have been so many several +justifications for his forcible extrusion. No doubt his eminence +procured him many invitations to balls of the period, and some of these +he probably felt constrained to accept, but it is highly unlikely that +he was often solicited to dance, he probably wiled away the tedious +hours of inaction by instructing the fibrous virgins and gouty bucks in +the principles of juris prudence. Cicero as a wall flower is an +interesting object, and, turning to another branch of our subject, in +this picturesque attitude we leave him. Left talking. + + + + +VI + +CAIRO REVISITED + + +Having glanced, briefly, and as through a glass darkly, at the dance as +it existed in the earliest times of which we have knowledge in the +country whence, through devious and partly obliterated channels, we +derived much of our civilization, let us hastily survey some of its +modern methods in the same region--supplying thereby some small means of +comparison to the reader who may care to note the changes undergone and +the features preserved. + +We find the most notable, if not the only, purely Egyptian dancer of our +time in the _Alme_ or _Ghowazee_. The former name is derived from the +original calling of this class--that of reciting poetry to the inmates +of the harem, the latter they acquired by dancing at the festivals of +the Ghors, or Memlooks. Reasonably modest at first, the dancing of the +Alme became, in the course of time, so conspicuously indelicate that +great numbers of the softer sex persuaded themselves to its acquirement +and practice, and a certain viceregal Prude once contracted the powers +of the whole Cairo contingent of Awalim into the pent up Utica of the +town of Esuch, some five hundred miles removed from the viceregal +dissenting eye. For a brief season the order was enforced, then the +sprightly sinners danced out of bounds, and their successors can now be +found by the foreign student of Egyptian morals without the fatigue and +expense of a long journey up the Nile. + +The professional dress of the Alme consists of a short embroidered +jacket, fitting closely to the arms and back, but frankly unreserved in +front, long loose trousers of silk sufficiently opaque somewhat to +soften the severity of the lower limbs, a Cashmere shawl bound about the +waist and a light turban of muslin embroidered with gold. The long black +hair, starred with small coins, falls abundantly over the shoulders. The +eyelids are sabled with kohl, and such other paints, oils, varnishes and +dyestuffs are used as the fair one--who is a trifle dark, by the +way--may have proved for herself, or accepted on the superior judgment +of her European sisters. Altogether, the girl's outer and visible aspect +is not unattractive to the eye of the traveler, however faulty to the +eye of the traveler's wife. When about to dance, the Alme puts on a +lighter and more diaphanous dress, eschews her slippers, and with a slow +and measured step advances to the centre of the room--her lithe figure +undulating with a grace peculiarly serpentile. The music is that of a +reed pipe or a tambourine--a number of attendants assisting with +castanets. Perhaps the "argument" of her dance will be a love-passage +with an imaginary young Arab. The coyness of a first meeting by chance +her gradual warming into passion their separation, followed by her tears +and dejection the hope of meeting soon again and, finally, the +intoxication of being held once more in his arms--all are delineated +with a fidelity and detail surprising to whatever of judgment the +masculine spectator may have the good fortune to retain. + +One of the prime favorites is the "wasp dance," allied to the +Tarantella. Although less pleasing in motive than that described, the +wasp dance gives opportunity for movements of even superior +significance--or, as one may say, suggestures. The girl stands in a +pensive posture, her hands demurely clasped in front, her head poised a +little on one side. Suddenly a wasp is heard to approach, and by her +gestures is seen to have stung her on the breast. She then darts hither +and thither in pursuit of that audacious insect, assuming all manner of +provoking attitudes, until, finally, the wasp having been caught and +miserably exterminated, the girl resumes her innocent smile and modest +pose. + + + + +VII + +JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS + + +Throughout Asia, dancing is marked by certain characteristics which do +not greatly differ, save in degree, among the various peoples who +practice it. With few exceptions, it is confined to the superior sex, +and these ladies, I am sorry to confess, have not derived as great moral +advantage from the monopoly as an advocate of dancing would prefer to +record. + +Dancing--the rhythmical movement of the limbs and body to music--is, as +I have endeavored to point out, instinctive, hardly a people, savage or +refined, but has certain forms of it. When, from any cause, the men +abstain from its execution it has commonly not the character of grace +and agility as its dominant feature, but is distinguished by soft, +voluptuous movements, suggestive posturing, and all the wiles by which +the performer knows she can best please the other sex, the most +forthright and effective means to that commendable end being evocation +of man's baser nature. The Japanese men are anti-dancers from necessity +of costume, if nothing else, and the effect is much the same as +elsewhere under the same conditions the women dance, the men gloat and +the gods grieve. + +There are two kinds of dances in Japan, the one not only lewd, but--to +speak with accurate adjustment of word to fact--beastly, in the other +grace is the dominating element, and decency as cold as a snow storm. Of +the former class, the "Chon Nookee" is the most popular. It is, however, +less a dance than an exhibition, and its patrons are the wicked, the +dissolute and the European. It is commonly given at some entertainment +to which respectable women have not the condescension to be +invited--such as a dinner party of some wealthy gentleman's gentlemen +friends. The dinner-served on the floor--having been impatiently tucked +away, and the candies, cakes, hot saki and other necessary addenda of a +Japanese dinner brought in, the "Chon Nookee" is demanded, and with a +modest demeanor, worn as becomingly as if it were their every day habit, +the performers glide in, seating themselves coyly on the floor, in two +rows. Each dancing girl is appareled in such captivating bravery as her +purse can buy or her charms exact. The folds of her varicolored gowns +crossing her bosom makes combinations of rich, warm hues, which it were +folly not to admire and peril to admire too much. The faces of these +girls are in many instances exceedingly pretty, but with that +natural--and, be it humbly submitted, not very creditable--tendency of +the sex to revision and correction of nature's handiwork, they plaster +them with pigments dear to the sign painter and temper the red glory of +their lips with a bronze preparation which the flattered brass founder +would no doubt deem kissable utterly. The music is made by beating a +drum and twanging a kind of guitar, the musician chanting the while to +an exceedingly simple air words which, in deference to the possible +prejudices of those readers who may be on terms of familarity with the +Japanese language, I have deemed it proper to omit--with an apology to +the Prudes for the absence of an appendix in which they might be given +without offense. (I had it in mind to insert the music here, but am told +by credible authority that in Japan music is moral or immoral without +reference to the words that may be sung with it. So I omit--with +reluctance--the score, as well as the words.) + +The chanting having proceeded for a few minutes the girls take up the +song and enter spiritedly into the dance. One challenges another and at +a certain stage of the lively song with the sharp cry _"Hoi!"_ makes a +motion with her hand. Failure on the part of the other instantaneously +and exactly to copy this gesture entails the forfeiture of a garment, +which is at once frankly removed. Cold and mechanical at the outset, the +music grows spirited as the girls grow nude, and the dancers themselves +become strangely excited as they warm to the work, taking, the while, +generous potations of saki to assist their enthusiasm. + +Let it not be supposed that in all this there is anything of passion, it +is with these women nothing more that the mere mental exaltation +produced by music, exercise and drink. With the spectators (I have +heard) it fares somewhat otherwise. + +When modesty's last rag has been discarded, the girls as if suddenly +abashed at their own audacity, fly like startled fawns from the room, +leaving their patrons to make a settlement with conscience and arrange +the terms upon which that monitor will consent to the performance of the +rest of the dance. For the dance proper--or improper--is now about to +begin. If the first part seemed somewhat tropical, comparison with what +follows will acquit it of that demerit. The combinations of the dance +are infinitely varied, and so long as willing witnesses remain--which, +in simple justice to manly fortitude it should be added, is a good +while--so long will the "Chon Nookee" present a new and unexpected +phase, but it is thought expedient that no more of them be presented +here, and if the reader has done me the honor to have enough of it, we +will pass to the consideration of another class of dances. + +Of this class those most in favor are the Fan and Umbrella dances, +performed, usually, by young girls trained almost from infancy. The +Japanese are passionately fond of these beautiful exhibitions of grace, +and no manner of festivity is satisfactorily celebrated without them. +The musicians, all girls, commonly six or eight in number, play on the +guitar, a small ivory wand being used, instead of the fingers, to strike +the strings. The dancer, a girl of some thirteen years, is elaborately +habited as a page. Confined by the closely folded robe as by fetters, +the feet and legs are not much used, the feet, indeed, never leaving the +floor. Time is marked by undulations of the body, waving the arms, and +deft manipulation of the fan. The supple figure bends and sways like a +reed in the wind, advances and recedes, one movement succeeding another +by transitions singularly graceful, the arms describing innumerable +curves, and the fan so skilfully handled as to seem instinct with a life +and liberty of its own. Nothing more pure, more devoid of evil +suggestion, can be imagined. It is a sad fact that the poor children +trained to the execution of this harmless and pleasing dance are +destined, in their riper years, to give their charms and graces to the +service of the devil in the 'Chon Nookee'. The umbrella dance is similar +to the one just described, the main difference being the use of a small, +gaily colored umbrella in place of the fan. + +Crossing from Japan to China, the Prude will find a condition of things +which, for iron severity of morals, is perhaps unparalleled--no dancing +whatever, by either profligate or virtuous women. To whatever original +cause we may attribute this peculiarity, it seems eternal, for the women +of the upper classes have an ineradicable habit of so mutilating their +feet that even the polite and comparatively harmless accomplishment of +walking is beyond their power, those of the lower orders have not sense +enough to dance, and that men should dance alone is a proposition of +such free and forthright idiocy as to be but obscurely conceivable to +any understanding not having the gift of maniacal inspiration, or the +normal advantage of original incapacity. Altogether, we may rightly +consider China the heaven appointed _habitat_ of people who dislike the +dance. + +In Siam, what little is known of dancing is confined to the people of +Laos. The women are meek eyed, spiritless creatures, crushed under the +heavy domination of the stronger sex. Naturally, their music and dancing +are of a plaintive, almost doleful character, not without a certain +cloying sweetness, however. The dancing is as graceful as the pudgy +little bodies of the women are capable of achieving--a little more +pleasing than the capering of a butcher's block, but not quite so much +so as that of a wash tub. Its greatest merit is the steely rigor of its +decorum. The dancers, however, like ourselves, are a shade less +appallingly proper off the floor than on it. + +In no part of the world, probably, is the condition of women more +consummately deplorable than in India, and, in consequence, nowhere than +in the dances of that country is manifested a more simple +unconsciousness or frank disregard of decency. As by nature, and +according to the light that is in him, the Hindu is indolent and +licentious, so, in accurately matching degree, are the dancing girls +innocent of morality, and uninfected with shame. It would be difficult, +more keenly to insult a respectable Hindu woman than to accuse her of +having danced, while the man who should affect the society of the +females justly so charged would incur the lasting detestation of his +race. The dancing girls are of two orders of infamy--those who serve in +the temples, and are hence called Devo Dasi, slaves of the gods, and the +Nautch girls, who dance in a secular sort for hire. Frequently a mother +will make a vow to dedicate her unborn babe, if it have the obedience to +be a girl, to the service of some particular god, in this way, and by +the daughters born to themselves, are the ranks of the Devo Dasi +recruited. The sons of these miserable creatures are taught to play upon +musical instruments for their mothers and sisters to dance by. As the +ordinary Hindu woman is careless about the exposure of her charms, so +these dancers take intelligent and mischievous advantage of the social +situation by immodestly concealing their own. The Devo Dasi actually go +to the length of wearing clothes! Each temple has a band of eight or ten +of these girls, who celebrate their saltatory rites morning and evening. +Advancing at the head of the religious procession, they move themselves +in an easy and graceful manner, with gradual transition to a more +sensuous and voluptuous motion, suiting their action to the religious +frame of mind of the devout until their well-rounded limbs and lithe +figures express a degree of piety consonant with the purpose of the +particular occasion. They attend all public ceremonies and festivals, +executing their audacious dances impartially for gods and men. + +The Nautch girls are purchased in infancy, and as carefully trained in +their wordly way as the Devo Dasi for the diviner function, being about +equally depraved. All the large cities contain full sets of these girls, +with attendant musicians, ready for hire at festivals of any kind, and +by leaving orders parties are served at their residences with fidelity +and dispatch. Commonly they dance two at a time, but frequently some +wealthy gentleman will secure the services of a hundred or more to +assist him through the day without resorting to questionable expedients +of time-killing. Their dances require strict attention, from the +circumstance that their feet--like those of the immortal equestrienne of +Banbury Cross--are hung with small bells, which must be made to sound in +concert with the notes of the musicians. In attitude and gesture they +are almost as bad as their pious sisters of the temples. The endeavor is +to express the passions of love, hope, jealousy, despair, etc, and they +eke out this mimicry with chanted songs in every way worthy of the +movements of which they are the explanatory notes. These are the only +women in Hindustan whom it is thought worth while to teach to read and +write. If they would but make as noble use of their intellectual as they +do of their physical education, they might perhaps produce books as +moral as _The Dance of Death_. + +In Persia and Asia Minor, the dances and dancers are nearly alike. In +both countries the Georgian and Circassian slaves who have been taught +the art of pleasing, are bought by the wealthy for their amusement and +that of their wives and concubines. Some of the performances are pure in +motive and modest in execution, but most of them are interesting +otherwise. The beautiful young Circassian slave, clad in loose robes of +diaphanous texture, takes position, castanets in hand, on a square rug, +and to the music of a kind of violin goes through the figures of her +dance, her whiteness giving her an added indelicacy which the European +spectator misses in the capering of her berry brown sisters in sin of +other climes. + +The dance of the Georgian is more spirited. Her dress is a brief skirt +reaching barely to the knees and a low cut chemise. In her night black +hair is wreathed a bright red scarf or string of pearls. The music, at +first low and slow increases by degrees in rapidity and volume, then +falls away almost to silence, again swells and quickens and so +alternates, the motions of the dancer's willowy and obedient figure +accurately according now seeming to swim languidly, and anon her little +feet having their will of her, and fluttering in midair like a couple of +birds. She is an engaging creature, her ways are ways of pleasantness, +but whether all her paths are peace depends somewhat, it is reasonable +to conjecture, upon the circumspection of her daily walk and +conversation when relegated to the custody of her master's wives. + +In some parts of Persia the dancing of boys appareled as women is held +in high favor, but exactly what wholesome human sentiment it addresses I +am not prepared to say. + + + + +VIII + +IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE + + +From the rapid and imperfect review of certain characteristic oriental +dances in the chapters immediately preceding--or rather from the studies +some of whose minor results those chapters embody--I make deduction of a +few significant facts, to which facts of contrary significance seem +exceptional. In the first place, it is to be noted that in countries +where woman is conspicuously degraded the dance is correspondingly +depraved. By "the dance," I mean, of course, those characteristic and +typical performances which have permanent place in the social life of +the people. Amongst all nations the dance exists in certain loose and +unrecognized forms, which are the outgrowth of the moment--creatures of +caprice, posing and pranking their brief and inglorious season, to be +superseded by some newer favorite, born of some newer accident or fancy. +A fair type of these ephemeral dances--the comets of the saltatory +system--in so far as they can have a type, is the now familiar _Can-Can_ +of the Jardin Mabille--a dance the captivating naughtiness of which has +given it wide currency in our generation, the successors to whose aged +rakes and broken bawds it will fail to please and would probably make +unhappy. Dances of this character, neither national, universal, nor +enduring, have little value to the student of anything but anatomy and +lingerie. By study of a thousand, the product of as many years, it might +be possible to trace the thread upon which such beads are +strung--indeed, it is pretty obvious without research; but considered +singly they have nothing of profit to the investigator, who will do well +to contemplate without reflection or perform without question, as the +bent of his mind may be observant or experimental. + +Dancing, then, is indelicate where the women are depraved, and to this +it must be added that the women are depraved where the men are indolent. +We need not trouble ourselves to consider too curiously as to cause and +effect. Whether in countries where man is too lazy to be manly, woman +practices deferential adjustment of her virtues to the loose exactions +of his tolerance, or whether for ladies of indifferent modesty their +lords will not make exertion--these are questions for the ethnologer. It +concerns our purpose only to note that the male who sits cross-legged on +a rug and permits his female to do the dancing for both gets a quality +distinctly inferior to that enjoyed by his more energetic brother, +willing himself to take a leg at the game. Doubtless the lazy fellow +prefers the loose gamboling of nude girls to the decent grace and +moderation of a better art, but this, I submit, is an error of taste +resulting from imperfect instruction. + +And here we are confronted with the ever recurrent question. Is dancing +immoral? The reader who has done me the honor attentively to consider +the brief descriptions of certain dances, hereinbefore presented will, +it is believed, be now prepared to answer that some sorts of dancing +indubitably are--a bright and shining example of the type being the +exploit wherein women alone perform and men alone admire. But one of the +arguments by which it is sought to prove dancing immoral in +itself--namely that it provokes evil passions--we are now able to +analyze with the necessary discrimination, assigning to it its just +weight, and tracing its real bearing on the question. Dances like those +described (with, I hope a certain delicacy and reticence) are +undoubtedly disturbing to the spectator. They have in that circumstance +their _raison d'etre_. As to that, then, there can be no two opinions. +But observe the male oriental voluptuary does not himself dance. Why? +Partly no doubt, because of his immortal indolence, but mainly, I +venture to think, because he wishes to enjoy his reprehensible emotion, +and this can not coexist with muscular activity If the reader--through +either immunity from improper emotion or unfamiliarity with muscular +activity--entertains a doubt of this, his family physician will be happy +to remove it. Nothing is more certain than that the dancing girls of +oriental countries themselves feel nothing of what they have the skill +to simulate, and the ballet dancer of our own stage is icily unconcerned +while kicking together the smouldering embers in the heart of the wigged +and corseted old beau below her, and playing the duse's delight with the +disobedient imagination of the he Prude posted in the nooks and shadows +thoughtfully provided for him. Stendahl frankly informs us, "I have had +much experience with the _danseuses_ of the ---- Theatre at Valence. I +am convinced that they are, for the most part, very chaste. It is +because their occupation is too fatiguing." + +The same author, by the way, says elsewhere + + I would wish if I were legislator that they should adopt in France + as in Germany the custom of _soirees dansantes_. Four times a month + the young girls go with their mothers to a ball beginning at seven + o'clock, ending at midnight and requiring for all expense, a violin + and some glasses of water. In an adjacent room, the mothers perhaps + a little jealous of the happy education of their daughters play at + cards, in a third the fathers find the newspapers and talk politics. + Between midnight and one o'clock all the family are reunited and + have regained the paternal roof. The young girls learn to know the + young men, the fatuity, and the indiscretion that follows it, become + quickly odious, in a word they learn how to choose a husband. Some + young girls have unfortunate love affairs, but the number of + deceived husbands and unhappy households (_mauvaises menages_) + diminishes in immense proportion. + +For an iron education in cold virtue there is no school like the +position of sitting master to the wall flowers at a church sociable, but +it is humbly conjectured that even the austere morality of a bald headed +Prude might receive an added iciness if he would but attend one of these +simple dancing bouts disguised as a sweet young girl. + + + + +IX + +COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE + + +Nearly all the great writers of antiquity and of the medieval period who +have mentioned dancing at all have done so in terms of unmistakable +favor; of modern famous authors, they only have condemned it from whose +work, or from what is known of their personal character, we may justly +infer an equal aversion to pretty much everything in the way of pleasure +that a Christian needs not die in order to enjoy English literature--I +use the word in its noble sense, to exclude all manner of preaching, +whether clerical or lay--is full of the dance; the sound of merry makers +footing it featly to the music runs like an undertone through all the +variations of its theme and fills all its pauses. + +In the "Miller's Tale," Chaucer mentions dancing among the +accomplishments of the parish clerk, along with blood letting and the +drawing of legal documents: + + A merry child he was so God me save, + Wel coud he leten blood and clippe and shave, + And make a chartre of land, and a quitance, + In twenty maners could he trip and dance, + After the scole of Oxenforde tho + And with his legges casten to and fro[A] + + +[Footnote A: On this passage Tyrwhit makes the following judicious +comment: The school of Oxford seems to have been in much the same +estimation for its dancing as that of Stratford for its French--alluding +of course to what is, said in the Prologue of the French spoken by the +Prioress: + + And French she spoke full fayre and fetisly + After the scole of Stratford atte bowe + For French of Paris was to hire unknowe] + + +Milton, the greatest of the Puritans--intellectual ancestry of the +modern degenerate Prudes--had a wholesome love of the dance, and nowhere +is his pen so joyous as in its description in the well known passage +from "Comus" which, should it occur to my memory while delivering a +funeral oration, I am sure I could not forbear to quote, albeit this, +our present argument, is but little furthered by its context + + Meanwhile welcome joy and feast + Midnight shout and revelry + Tipsy dance and jollity + Braid your locks with rosy twine + Dropping odors dropping wine + Rigor now is gone to bed + And advice with scrupulous head + Strict age and sour severity + With their grave saws in slumber lie + We that are of purer fire + Imitate the starry quire + Who in their nightly watching spheres + Lead in swift round the months and years + The sounds and seas with all their finny drove + And on the tawny sands and shelves + Trip the pert fairies and the dapper elves + +If Milton was not himself a good dancer--and as to that point my memory +is unstored with instance or authority--it will at least be conceded +that he was an admirable reporter, with his heart in the business. +Somewhat to lessen the force of the objection that he puts the foregoing +lines into a not very respectable mouth, on a not altogether reputable +occasion, I append the following passage from the same poem, supposed to +be spoken by the good spirit who had brought a lady and her two brothers +through many perils, restoring them to their parents: + + Noble lord and lady bright + I have brought ye new delight + Here behold so goodly grown + Three fair branches of your own + Heaven hath timely tried their youth + Their faith their patience and their truth + And sent them here through hard assays + With a crown of deathless praise + To triumph in victorious dance + O'er sensual folly and intemperance + +The lines on dancing--lines which themselves dance--in "L'Allegro," are +too familiar, I dare not permit myself the enjoyment of quotation. + +Lord Herbert of Cherbury, one of the most finished gentlemen of his +time, otherwise laments in his autobiography that he had never learned +to dance because that accomplishment "doth fashion the body, and gives +one a good presence and address in all companies since it disposeth the +limbs to a kind of _souplesse_ (as the French call it) and agility +insomuch as they seem to have the use of their legs, arms, and bodies +more than many others who, standing stiff and stark in their postures, +seem as if they were taken in their joints, or had not the perfect use +of their members." Altogether, a very grave objection to dancing in the +opinion of those who discountenance it, and I take great credit for +candor in presenting his lordship's indictment. + +In the following pertinent passage from Lemontey I do not remember the +opinion he quotes from Locke, but his own is sufficiently to the point: + + The dance is for young women what the chase is for young men: a + protecting school of wisdom--a preservative of the growing passions. + The celebrated Locke who made virtue the sole end of education, + expressly recommends teaching children to dance as early as they are + able to learn. Dancing carries within itself an eminently cooling + quality and all over the world the tempests of the heart await to + break forth the repose of the limbs. + +In "The Traveller," Goldsmith says: + + Alike all ages dames of ancient days + Have led their children through the mirthful maze + And the gay grandsire skilled in gestic lore + Has frisked beneath the burden of three score. + +To the Prudes, in all soberness--Is it likely, considering the stubborn +conservatism of age, that these dames, well seasoned in the habit, will +leave it off directly, or the impenitent old grandsire abate one jot or +tittle of his friskiness in the near future? Is it a reasonable hope? Is +the outlook from the watch towers of Philistia an encouraging one? + + + + +X + +THEY ALL DANCE + + + Fountains dance down to the river, + Rivers to the ocean + Summer leaflets dance and quiver + To the breeze's motion + Nothing in the world is single-- + All things by a simple rule + Nods and steps and graces mingle + As at dancing school + + See the shadows on the mountain + Pirouette with one another + See the leaf upon the fountain + Dances with its leaflet brother + See the moonlight on the earth + Flecking forest gleam and glance! + What are all these dancings worth + If I may not dance? + + _--After Shelley_ + +Dance? Why not? The dance is natural, it is innocent, wholesome, +enjoyable. It has the sanction of religion, philosophy, science. It is +approved by the sacred writings of all ages and nations--of Judaism, +Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, of Zoroaster and Confucius. Not an altar, +from Jupiter to Jesus, around which the votaries have not danced with +religious zeal and indubitable profit to mind and body. Fire worshipers +of Persia and Peru danced about the visible sign and manifestation to +their deity. Dervishes dance in frenzy, and the Shakers jump up and come +down hard through excess of the Spirit. All the gods have danced with +all the goddesses--round dances, too. The lively divinities created by +the Greeks in their own image danced divinely, as became them. Old Thor +stormed and thundered down the icy halls of the Scandinavian mythology +to the music of runic rhymes, and the souls of slain heroes in Valhalla +take to their toes in celebration of their valorous deeds done in the +body upon the bodies of their enemies. Angels dance before the Great +White Throne to harps attuned by angel hands, and the Master of the +Revels--who arranges the music of the spheres--looks approvingly on. +Dancing is of divine institution. + +The elves and fairies "dance delicate measures" in the light of the moon +and stars. The troll dances his gruesome jig on lonely hills the gnome +executes his little pigeon wing in the obscure subterrene by the glimmer +of a diamond. Nature's untaught children dance in wood and glade, +stimulated of leg by the sunshine with which they are soaken top +full--the same quickening emanation that inspires the growing tree and +upheaves the hill. And, if I err not, there is sound Scripture for the +belief that these self same eminences have capacity to skip for joy. The +peasant dances--a trifle clumsily--at harvest feast when the grain is +garnered. The stars in heaven dance visibly, the firefly dances in +emulation of the stars. The sunshine dances on the waters. The humming +bird and the bee dance about the flowers which dance to the breeze. The +innocent lamb, type of the White Christ, dances on the green, and the +matronly cow perpetrates an occasional stiff enormity when she fancies +herself unobserved. All the sportive rollickings of all the animals, +from the agile fawn to the unwieldly behemoth are dances taught them by +nature. + +I am not here making an argument for dancing, I only assert its +goodness, confessing its abuse. We do not argue the wholesomeness of +sunshine and cold water, we assert it, admitting that sunstroke is +mischievous and that copious potations of freezing water will founder a +superheated horse, and urge the hot blood to the head of an imprudent +man similarly prepared, killing him, as is right. We do not build +syllogisms to prove that grains and fruits of the earth are of God's +best bounty to man; we allow that bad whisky may--with difficulty--be +distilled from rye to spoil the toper's nose, and that hydrocyanic acid +can be got out of the bloomy peach. It were folly to prove that Science +and Invention are our very good friends, yet the sapper who has had the +misfortune to be blown to rags by the mine he was preparing for his +enemy will not deny that gunpowder has aptitudes of mischief; and from +the point of view of a nigger ordered upon the safety-valve of a racing +steamboat, the vapor of water is a thing accurst. Shall we condemn music +because the lute makes "lascivious pleasing?" Or poetry because some +amorous bard tells in warm rhyme the story of the passions, and +Swinburne has had the goodness to make vice offensive with his hymns in +its praise? Or sculpture because from the guiltless marble may be +wrought a drunken Silenus or a lechering satyr?--painting because the +untamed fancies of a painter sometimes break tether and run riot on his +canvas? Because the orator may provoke the wild passions of the mob, +shall there be no more public speaking?--no further acting because the +actor may be pleased to saw the air, or the actress display her ultimate +inch of leg? Shall we upset the pulpit because poor dear Mr. Tilton had +a prettier wife than poor, dear Mr. Beecher? The bench had its Jeffrey, +yet it is necessary that we have the deliveries of judgment between +ourselves and the litigious. The medical profession has nursed poisoners +enough to have baned all the rats of christendom; but the resolute +patient must still have his prescription--if he die for it. Shall we +disband our armies because in the hand of an ambitious madman a +field-marshal's baton may brain a helpless State?--our navies because in +ships pirates have "sailed the seas over?" Let us not commit the +vulgarity of condemning the dance because of its possibilities of +perversion by the vicious and the profligate. Let us not utter us in hot +bosh and baking nonsense, but cleave to reason and the sweet sense of +things. + +Dancing never made a good girl bad, nor turned a wholesome young man to +evil ways. "Opportunity!" simpers the tedious virgin past the +wall-flower of her youth. "Opportunity!" cackles the _blase_ beau who +has outlasted his legs and gone deaconing in a church. + +Opportunity, indeed! There is opportunity in church and school-room, in +social intercourse. There is opportunity in libraries, art-galleries, +picnics, street-cars, Bible-classes and at fairs and matinees. +Opportunity--rare, delicious opportunity, not innocently to be +ignored--in moonlight rambles by still streams. Opportunity, such as it +is, behind the old gentleman's turned back, and beneath the good +mother's spectacled nose. You shall sooner draw out leviathan with a +hook, or bind Arcturus and his sons, than baffle the upthrust of +Opportunity's many heads. Opportunity is a veritable Hydra, Argus and +Briareus rolled into one. He has a hundred heads to plan his poachings, +a hundred eyes to spy the land, a hundred hands to set his snares and +springes. In the country where young girls are habitually unattended in +the street; where the function of chaperon is commonly, and, it should +be added, intelligently performed by some capable young male; where the +young women receive evening calls from young men concerning whose +presence in the parlor mamma in the nursery and papa at the +"office"--poor, overworked papa!--give themselves precious little +trouble,--this prate of ball-room opportunity is singularly and +engagingly idiotic. The worthy people who hold such language may justly +boast themselves superior to reason and impregnable to light. The only +effective reply to these creatures would be a cuffing, the well meant +objections of another class merit the refutation of distinct +characterization. It is the old talk of devotees about sin, of topers +concerning water, temperance men of gin, and albeit it is neither wise +nor witty, it is becoming in us at whom they rail to deal mercifully +with them. In some otherwise estimable souls one of these harmless brain +cracks may be a right lovable trait of character. + +Issues of a social import as great as a raid against dancing have been +raised ere now. Will the coming man smoke? Will the coming man drink +wine? These tremendous and imperative problems only recently agitated +some of the "thoughtful minds" in our midst. By degrees they lost their +preeminence, they were seen to be in process of solution without social +cataclysm, they have, in a manner been referred for disposal to the +coming man himself, that is to say, they have been dropped, and are +to-day as dead as Julius Caesar. The present hour has, in its turn, +produced its own awful problem: Will the coming woman waltz? + +As a question of mere fact the answer is patent: She will. Dancing will +be good for her; she will like it; so she is going to waltz. But the +question may rather be put--to borrow phraseology current among her +critics: Had she oughter?--from a moral point of view, now. From a moral +point, then, let us seek from analogy some light on the question of +what, from its actual, practical bearings, may be dignified by the name +Conundrum. + +Ought a man not to smoke?--from a moral point of view. The economical +view-point, the view-point of convenience, and all the rest of them, are +not now in question; the simple question is: Is it immoral to smoke? And +again--still from the moral point of view: Is it immoral to drink wine? +Is it immoral to play at cards?--to visit theaters? (In Boston you go to +some + + harmless "Museum," + Where folks who like plays may religiously see 'em.) + +Finally, then--and always from the same elevated view-point: Is it +immoral to waltz? + +The suggestions here started will not be further pursued in this place. +It is quite pertinent now to note that we do smoke because we like it; +and do drink wine because we like it; and do waltz because we like it, +and have the added consciousness that it is a duty. I am sorry for a +fellow-creature--male--who knows not the comfort of a cigar; sorry and +concerned for him who is innocent of the knowledge of good and evil that +lurk respectively in Chambertin and cheap "claret." Nor is my compassion +altogether free from a sense of superiority to the object of +it--superiority untainted, howbeit, by truculence. I perceive that life +has been bestowed upon him for purposes inscrutable to me, though dimly +hinting its own justification as a warning or awful example. So, too, of +the men and women--"beings erect, and walking upon two [uneducated] +legs"--whose unsophisticated toes have never, inspired by the rosy, +threaded the labyrinth of the mazy ere courting the kindly offices of +the balmy. It is only human to grieve for them, poor things! + +But if their throbbing bunions, encased in clumsy high-lows, be obtruded +to trip us in our dance, shall we not stamp on them? Yea, verily, while +we have a heel to crunch with and a leg to grind it home. + + + + +XI + +LUST, QUOTH'A! + + +You have danced? Ah, good. You have waltzed? Better. You have felt the +hot blood hound through your veins, as your beautiful partner, compliant +to the lightest pressure of your finger-tips, her breath responsive, +matched her every motion with yours? Best of all--for you have served in +the temple--you are of the priesthood of manhood. You cannot +misunderstand, you will not deliver false oracle. + +Do you remember your first waltz with the lovely woman whom you had +longed like a man but feared like a boy to touch--even so much as the +hem of her garment? Can you recall the time, place and circumstance? Has +not the very first bar of the music that whirled you away been singing +itself in your memory ever since? Do you recall the face you then looked +into, the eyes that seemed deeper than a mountain tarn, the figure that +you clasped, the beating of the heart, the warm breath that mingled with +your own? Can you faintly, as in a dream--_blase_ old dancer that you +are--invoke a reminiscence of the delirium that stormed your soul, +expelling the dull demon in possession? Was it lust, as the Prudes +aver--the poor dear Prudes, with the feel of the cold wall familiar to +the leathery backs of them? + +It was the gratification--the decent, honorable, legal gratification--of +the passion for rhythm; the unconditional surrender to the supreme law +of periodicity, under conditions of exact observance by all external +things. The notes of the music repeat and supplement each other; the +lights burn with answering flame at sequent distances; the walls, the +windows, doors, mouldings, frescoes, iterate their lines, their levels, +and panels, interminable of combination and similarity; the inlaid floor +matches its angles, multiplies its figures, does over again at this +point what it did at that; the groups of dancers deploy in couples, +aggregate in groups, and again deploy, evoking endless resemblances. And +all this rhythm and recurrence, borne in upon the brain--itself +rhythmic--through intermittent senses, is converted into motion, and the +mind, yielding utterly to its environment, knows the happiness of faith, +the ecstasy of compliance, the rapture of congruity. And this the dull +dunces--the eyeless, earless, brainless and bloodless callosites of +cavil--are pleased to call lust! + + O ye, who teach the ingenuous youth of nations + The Boston Dip, the German and the Glide, + I pray you guard them upon all occasions + From contact of the palpitating side; + Requiring that their virtuous gyrations + Shall interpose a space a furlong wide + Between the partners, lest their thoughts grow lewd-- + So shall we satisfy the exacting Prude. + + --_Israfel Brown_. + + + + +XII + +OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS + + +It is depressing to realize how little most of us know of the dancing of +our ancestors. I would give value to behold the execution of a coranto +and inspect the steps of a cinque-pace, having assurance that the +performances assuming these names were veritably identical with their +memorable originals. We possess the means of verifying somewhat as to +the nature of the minuet; but after what fashion did our revered +grandfather do his rigadoon and his gavot? What manner of thing was that +pirouet in the deft execution of which he felt an honest exultation? And +what were the steps of his contra (or country) and Cossack dances? What +tune was that--"The Devil amongst the Fiddlers"--for which he clamored, +to inspire his feats of leg? + +In our fathers' time we read: + + I wore my blue coat and brass buttons, very high in the neck, short + in the waist and sleeves, nankeen trousers and white silk stockings, + and a white waistcoat. I performed all the steps accurately and with + great agility. + +Which, it appears, gained the attention of the company. And it well +might, for the year was 1830, and the mode of performing the cotillion +of the period was undergoing the metamorphosis of which the perfect +development has been familiar to ourselves. In its next stage the male +celebrant is represented to us as "hopping about with a face expressive +of intense solemnity, dancing as if a quadrille"--mark the newer +word--"were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to the +feelings." There is a smack of ancient history about this, too; it lurks +in the word "hopping." In the perfected development of this dance as +known to ourselves, no stress of caricature would describe the movement +as a hopping. But our grandfather not only hopped, he did more. He +sprang from the floor and quivered. In midair he crossed his feet twice +and even three times, before alighting. And our budding grandmother +beheld, and experienced flutterings of the bosom at his manly +achievements. Some memory of these feats survived in the performances of +the male ballet-dancers--a breed now happily extinct. A fine old +lady--she lives, aged eighty-two--showed me once the exercise of +"setting to your partner," performed in her youth; and truly it was +right marvelous. She literally bounced hither and thither, effecting a +twisting in and out of the feet, a patting and a flickering of the toes +incredibly intricate. For the celebration of these rites her partner +would array himself in morocco pumps with cunningly contrived buckles of +silver, silk stockings, salmon-colored silk breeches tied with abundance +of riband, exuberant frills, or "chitterlings," which puffed out at the +neck and bosom not unlike the wattles of a he-turkey; and under his +arms--as the fowl roasted might have carried its gizzard--our +grandfather pressed the flattened simulacrum of a cocked hat. At this +interval of time charity requires us to drop over the lady's own costume +a veil that, tried by our canons of propriety, it sadly needed. She was +young and thoughtless, the good grandmother; she was conscious of the +possession of charms and concealed them not. + +To the setting of these costumes, manners and practices, there was +imported from Germany a dance called Waltz, which as I conceive, was the +first of our "round" dances. It was welcomed by most persons who could +dance, and by some superior souls who could not. Among the latter, the +late Lord Byron--whose participation in the dance was barred by an +unhappy physical disability--addressed the new-comer in characteristic +verse. Some of the lines in this ingenious nobleman's apostrophe are not +altogether intelligible, when applied to any dance that we know by the +name of waltz. For example: + + Pleased round the chalky floor, how well they trip, + One hand[A] reposing on the royal hip, + The other to the shoulder no less royal + Ascending with affection truly loyal. + +[Footnote A: _I.e._ one of the lady's hands.] + +These lines imply an attitude unknown to contemporary waltzers, but the +description involves no poetic license. Our dear grandmothers (giddy, +giddy girls!) did their waltz that way. Let me quote: + + The lady takes the gentleman round the neck with one arm, resting + against his shoulder. During the motion, the dancers are continually + changing their relative situations: now the gentleman brings his arm + about the lady's neck, and the lady takes him round the waist. + +At another point, the lady may "lean gently on his shoulder," their arms +(as it appears) "entwining." This description is by an eyewitness, whose +observation is taken, not at the rather debauched court of the Prince +Regent, but at the simple republican assemblies of New York. The +observer is the gentle Irving, writing in 1807. Occasional noteworthy +experiences they must have had--those modest, blooming grandmothers--for, +it is to be borne in mind, tipsiness was rather usual with dancing +gentlemen in the fine old days of Port and Madeira; and the blithe, +white-armed grandmothers themselves did sip their punch, to a man. +However, we may forbear criticism. We, at least, owe nothing but +reverent gratitude to a generation from which we derive life, waltzing +and the memory of Madeira. Even when read, as it needs should be read, +in the light of that prose description of the dance to which it was +addressed, Lord Byron's welcome to the waltz will be recognized as one +more illustration of a set of hoary and moss-grown truths. + + As parlor-soldiers, graced with fancy-scars, + Rehearse their bravery in imagined wars; + As paupers, gathered in congenial flocks, + Babble of banks, insurances, and stocks; + As each if oft'nest eloquent of what + He hates or covets, but possesses not; + As cowards talk of pluck; misers of waste; + Scoundrels of honor; country clowns of taste; + Ladies of logic; devotees of sin; + Topers of water; temperance men of gin-- + +my lord Byron sang of waltzing. Let us forgive and--remembering his poor +foot--pity him. Yet the opinions of famous persons possess an interest +that is akin, in the minds of many plain folk, to weight. Let us, then, +incline an ear to another: "Laura was fond of waltzing, as every brisk +and innocent young girl should be," wrote he than who none has written +more nobly in our time--he who "could appreciate good women and describe +them; and draw them more truly than any novelist in the language, except +Miss Austen." The same sentiment with reference to dancing appears in +many places in his immortal pages. In his younger days as _attache_ of +legation in Germany, Mr. Thackeray became a practiced waltzer. As a +censor he thus possesses over Lord Byron whatever advantage may accrue +from knowledge of the subject whereof he wrote. + +We are happily not called upon to institute a comparison of character +between the two distinguished moralists, though the same, drawn +masterly, might not be devoid of entertainment and instruction. But two +or three other points of distinction should be kept in mind as having +sensible relation to the question of competency to bear witness. Byron +wrote of the women of a corrupted court; Thackeray of the women of that +society indicated by the phrase "Persons whom one meets"--and meets +_now_. Byron wrote of an obsolete dance, described by Irving in terms of +decided strength; Thackeray wrote of our own waltz. In turning off his +brilliant and witty verses it is unlikely that any care as to their +truthfulness disturbed the glassy copiousness of the Byronic utterance; +this child of nature did never consider too curiously of justice, +moderation and such inventions of the schools. The key-note of all the +other wrote is given by his faithful pen when it avers that it never +"signed the page that registered a lie." Byron was a "gentleman of wit +and pleasure about town"; Thackeray the father of daughters. However, +all this is perhaps little to the purpose. We owe no trifling debt to +Lord Byron for his sparkling and spirited lines, and by no good dancer +would they be "willingly let die." Poetry, music, dancing--they are one +art. The muses are sisters, yet they do not quarrel. Of a truth, even as +was Laura, so every brisk and innocent young girl should be. And it is +safe to predict that she will be. If she would enjoy the advantage of +belonging to Our Set she must be. + +As a rule, the ideas of the folk who cherish a prejudice against dancing +are crude rather than unclean--the outcome much more of ignorance than +salacity. Of course there are exceptions. In my great work on The Prude +all will be attended to with due discrimination in apportionment of +censure. At present the spirit of the dance makes merry with my pen, for +from yonder "stately pleasure-dome" (decreed by one Kubla Khan, formerly +of The Big Bonanza Mining Company) the strains of the _Blue Danube_ +float out upon the night. Avaunt, miscreants! lest we chase ye with +flying feet and do our little dance upon your unwholesome carcasses. +Already the toes of our partners begin to twiddle beneath their +petticoats. Come, then, Stoopid--can't you move? No!--they change it to +a galop--and eke the good old Sturm. Firm and steady, now, fair partner +mine, whiles we run that _gobemouche_ down and trample him miserably. +There: light and softly again--the servants will remove the remains. + +And hark! that witching strain once more: + +[Illustration: Music tablature] + + + + +EPIGRAMS + + + + +If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the +country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike +hypocrites of Canada. + + +To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, +and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of +interrogation. + + +"Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb. + + +In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be +construed as indifference. + + * * * * * + +True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman. + + +Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it. + + +Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and the needle +forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and never intermits. Since +it has been found that the axis of the earth wabbles, stupidity is +indispensable as a standard of constancy. + + +In order that the list of able women may be memorized for use at +meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately made it brief. + + +Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours. + + + A little heap of dust, + A little streak of rust, + A stone without a name-- + Lo! hero, sword and fame. + + +Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman's lack of +temptation and man's lack of opportunity. + + +"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the philosopher. "May you +live forever!" + + +The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by setting it in +brass is writing "dialect" for publication. + + +"Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?" + +"I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude." + +"Then thou dost not deserve to find her." + +"True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. But who art +thou, to be so wise?" + +"I am Gratitude--farewell forever." + + +There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed +himself; whereas he is a fool then only. + + +The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the kingdoms that +he set up have disappeared. But all the armies and statecraft of Europe +cannot unsay what you have said. + + + Strive not for singularity in dress; + Fools have the more and men of sense the less. + To look original is not worth while, + But be in mind a little out of style. + + +A conqueror arose from the dead. "Yesterday," he said, "I ruled half the +world." "Please show me the half that you ruled," said an angel, +pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor floating in space. "That is the +world." + + +"Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?" + +"My name is Avarice. What is thine?" + +"Unselfishness." + +"Where is thy clothing, placid one?" + +"Thou art wearing it." + + +To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To +laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand. + + +If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much +greater than they. + + +To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he has--such is +the hope of him who seeks the admiration of posterity. The character of +his work does not matter; he is a humorist. + + +Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact. + + +To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, cultivate a +generous disposition. + + +Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that +you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast. + + +When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for assent the safest +way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the unreasoning brutes, and +believe both. + + +Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently +presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it +a numerical presumption. + + +A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you +dance, but you can't let go. + + +Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. Merit stepped +off into the mud and went round him, bowing his apologies, which Success +had the grace to accept. + + + "I think," says the philosopher divine, + "Therefore I am." Sir, here's a surer sign: + We know we live, for with our every breath + We feel the fear and imminence of death. + + +The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask him and he +will prove it. + + +He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will always have +his choice, for no injustice can be done to him. + + +There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness hereafter as there +are minds that have marred their happiness here. + + +We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we were +immortal we should not crave immortality. + + +A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the +rabbit. + + +Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold his tongue, +ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen. + + +The most charming view in the world is obtained by introspection. + + +Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly and the +player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one incomparable +advantage: he is not the stake. + + +It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the jungle, for +commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the open. + + +We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our judgment +need not, therefore, go to confession. + + +Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the other in +marriage. + + +If you give alms from compassion, why require the beneficiary to be "a +deserving object"? No other adversity is so sharp as destitution of +merit. + + +Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a particular +privation. + + + O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain + To get by giving what you lost by gain. + With every gift you do but swell the cloud + Of witnesses against you, swift and loud-- + Accomplices who turn and swear you split + Your life: half robber and half hypocrite. + You're least unsafe when most intact you hold + Your curst allotment of dishonest gold. + + +The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of the success of +another. + + + If Inclination challenge, stand and fight-- + From Opportunity the wise take flight. + + +What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man +most admires in a woman is devotion to himself. + + +Those who most loudly invite God's attention to themselves when in peril +of death are those who should most fervently wish to escape his +observation. + + +When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair +to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours. + + +How fascinating is Antiquity!--in what a golden haze the ancients lived +their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our enchanting time Posterity's +great poets will sing immortal songs, and its archaeologists will +reverently uncover the foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime +we swap jack-knives. + + +Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a cent puts +aside the temptation to manipulate the market or acquire a monopoly. + + +For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a needless +expense. + + + "There's no free will," says the philosopher; + "To hang is most unjust." + "There is no free will," assents the officer; + "We hang because we must." + + +Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is why we know +so much about the Hereafter and so little about the Heretofore. + + +Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we should accept the +act of cackling geese in saving Rome as partial reparation. + + +There are two classes of women who may do as they please; those who are +rich and those who are poor. The former can count on assent, the latter +on inattention. + + +When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as the guest of +Love she turns her host out of doors. + + +Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is known as the +Future; Age knows her as the Dream. + + +"Who art thou, there in the mire?" + +"Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in fear on the +brink of the bog." + +"A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, sometimes known +as Dry-foot." + + +In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is uprooted or +rooted up. The difference is in the reformer. + + +The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the sexes: no man +is so base but some woman is base enough to love him. + + +Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on the verge of +the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the notable feat of turning +about knows himself the central figure in the universe. + + +Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it. + + +If women did the writing of the world, instead of the talking, men would +be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, grace and goodness. + + +Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss your +companion and say farewell. + + +Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience prate of the +value of life. + + +The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. +It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or +possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another. + + +The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake +the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature. + + +Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into the head there +is no dissension; only an eviction. + + +If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it. + + +"Where goest thou, Ignorance?" + +"To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril." + +"I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge." + +"Scoundrel! Thou art the peril." + + +A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her thoughts +and virtuously flies from the temptation of her desires. + + +The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who if you were +hungry would take you by the cafe. + + +When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a diplomatic +intimation; when ready, a diplomat. + + +If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it would in +the long run be half the time right. + + +The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the +business known as gambling. + + +A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is faithful to that +which is neither pleased nor profited by her fidelity. + + +Of one who was "foolish" the creators of our language said that he was +"fond." That we have not definitely reversed the meanings of the words +should be set down to the credit of our courtesy. + + +Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer in the +wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to denounce a +successful mob. + + + Artistically set to grace + The wall of a dissecting-place, + A human pericardium + Was fastened with a bit of gum, + While, simply underrunning it, + The one word, "Charity," was writ + To show the student band that hovered + About it what it once had covered. + + +Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good reputation is +helpful to virtue. + + +When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or +doctrine go upward. + + +We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled +to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect. + + +Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra's nose would +have changed the fortunes of the world. But having said this, he has +said nothing, for all the forces of nature and all the power of +dynasties could not have added an inch to the length of Cleopatra's +nose. + + +Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman is the only +necessary having the boldness and address to compel recognition as a +luxury. + + +"I am the seat of the affections," said the heart. + +"Thank you," said the judgment, "you save my face." + +"Who art thou that weepest?" + +"Man." + +"Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. Study me and +learn that nothing matters." + +"Then how does it matter that I weep?" + + +A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it implies +something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of our importance; +whereas an injury presupposes some degree of consideration. "The +black-guards!" said a traveler whom Sicilian brigands had released +without ransom; "did they think me a person of no consequence?" + + +The people's plaudits are unheard in hell. + + +Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no chances. + + +If there was a world before this we must all have died impenitent. + + +We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, the clever, a +good one. + + +If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being one this +would be a world of wrath. + + +Force and charm are important elements of character, but it counts for +little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a lion. + + + Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool: + Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool? + + +A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites +them to think something else. + + +Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him with long ears +and a tail. Man's conception is higher and truer: he thinks of him as +somewhat resembling a man. + + +Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling. + + +The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own distorted image +and seeks to propitiate it. + + +Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in the land, +but do not hope that the life insurance companies will offer thee +special rates. + + +Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be Darwin's theory of +the descent of Man from the Ape may find comfort in the hope of his +return. + + +A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you shall not so +readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher as a philosopher that +you are a fool. + + +A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of the art +accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination. + + +When publicly censured our first instinct is to make everybody a +codefendant. + + + O lady fine, fear not to lead + To Hymen's shrine a clown: + Love cannot level up, indeed, + But he can level down. + + +Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. It is a +faithful man who is willing to be watched by a half-dozen wives. + + +The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen. + +"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose +Innocence?" + +"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that +she is a virtue." + + +It is a wise "man's man" who knows what it is that he despises in a +"ladies' man." + + +If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would boast of the +adoration they inspire. + + +The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of +conformity. + + +Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their +way to the dumps. + + +A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the superiority of her +sex. + +"At last," she said, "I shall have rest and honors." + +"Enter," said Saint Peter; "thou shalt wash the faces of the dear little +cherubim." + + +To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest unless she can +make a particular application of it. And we say that women are not +practical! + + +The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the learned know +the shallowness of their learning. + + +He who relates his success in charming woman's heart may be assured of +his failure to charm man's ear. + + + What poignant memories the shadows bring; + What songs of triumph in the dawning ring! + By night a coward and by day a king. + + +When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine +own is open at thy feet. + + +As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type and +standard, so the critic's theories are imposed by his own limitations. + + +"Heaven lies about us in our infancy," and our neighbors take up the +tale as we mature. + + + "My laws," she said, "are of myself a part: + I read them by examining my heart." + "True," he replied; "like those to Moses known, + Thine also are engraven upon stone." + + +Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one's self one +turns to consider one's dream. + + +"Halt!--who goes there?" + +"Death." + +"Advance, Death, and give the countersign." + +"How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou shalt enter +mine." + +"What! I a deserter?" + +"Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies of mankind." + +"Who are they?" + +"Life and the Fear of Death." + + +The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they +signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most +loves to close upon. + + + Ah, woe is his, with length of living cursed, + Who, nearing second childhood, had no first. + Behind, no glimmer, and before no ray-- + A night at either end of his dark day. + + +A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible with a +spirited zeal in defamation of women. + + +The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for +love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money. + + +He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for disparagement of +genius is like one who should plead robbery in excuse of theft. + + +The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that which finds +expression in pretended remorse for impossible gallantries. + + +Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is true. For that +which is both new and true we must go duly accredited to the gods and +await their pleasure. + + +The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of Reason must +be submitted even the claims of Faith. + + +"Whither goest thou?" said the angel. + +"I know not." + +"And whence hast thou come?" + +"I know not." + +"But who art thou?" + +"I know not." + +"Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on to the +place whence thou hast come." + + +If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they are the most +harmonious brothers that ever were seen. + + +Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a rascal is one +who knows not how to think. + + + Do you to others as you would + That others do to you; + But see that you no service good + Would have from others that they could + Not rightly do. + + +Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: balky horses +may best be made to go by having their ears bitten. + + +Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and exacted a +certain gratitude for the distinction of his preference. + + +A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a +dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the +lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right +or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other +links. + + +He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a +natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, +unlike those of the wise, harden with age. + + +These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having learned; to +draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of +things. + + +Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love seem the +first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved once. + + +Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons +of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural +implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil. + + +To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When the young die +and the old live, nature's machinery is working with the friction that +we name grief. + + +Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women. + + +Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If Man knew +his insignificance in the scheme of things he would not think it worth +while to rise from barbarity to enlightenment. But it is only through +enlightenment that he can know. + + +Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by +tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your +arrival is already recorded. + + +The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It +will probably rain"--that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"--that is +natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists +because so great is his humility that he does not think it important +that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no +artifice to make us forget him. + + + On fair foundations Theocrats unwise + Rear superstructures that offend the skies. + "Behold," they cry, "this pile so fair and tall! + Come dwell within it and be happy all." + But they alone inhabit it, and find, + Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the mind. + + +If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit thou art an anarchist, and if +thou take not his word thou shalt take nothing that he hath. Make haste, +therefore, to be civil to thy betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is +the foundation of the state. + + +Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate. + + +When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register. + + +When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam and accused +him of infidelity. + + +"Why dost thou weep?" + +"For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall +never again see her!" + +"Thy wife will never again see thee, yet +she does not weep." + + +What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, etiquette is +to civility. + + +"Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe's raggedness +seemest to enjoy thyself?" + +"Naught else is enjoyable--I am Contentment." + +"Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in my fine +attire." + +"I have no shirt. Pass on, Success." + + +Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, even +beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To affect a spurious +ignorance is to disclose a genuine. + + +Because you will not take by theft what you can have by cheating, think +not yours is the only conscience in the world. Even he who permits you +to cheat his neighbor will shrink from permitting you to cheat himself. + + +"God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?" + +"Wisdom. And thine?" + +"Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?" + +"This is an intersection of our paths." + +"Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same road?" + +"We were well named if we knew." + + +Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind +of infidelity. + + +Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes +dishonest. + + +The philosopher's profoundest conviction is that which he is most +reluctant to express, lest he mislead. + + +When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may choose a +person who is willing. + + +The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself. + + +In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposed a +tax on fools. + +"The right honorable and generous gentleman," said a member, "forgets +that we already have it in the poll tax." + +"Whose dead body is that?" + +"Credulity's." + +"By whom was he slain?" + +"Credulity." + +"Ah, suicide." + +"No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and swallowed all that +was set before him." + + +Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat. + + +Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is no proof of +poverty. + + +Courage is the acceptance of the gambler's chance: a brave man bets +against the game of the gods. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"A philanthropist. And thou?" + +"A pauper." + +"Away! you have nothing to relieve my need." + + +Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, for nothing is +before. + + + Think not, O man, the world has any need + That thou canst truly serve by word or deed. + Serve thou thy better self, nor care to know + How God makes righteousness and roses grow. + + +In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: by the use of +an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion can be made to seem a +religious ecstasy. + + +The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his +self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery. + + +One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the understanding. + + + +If the righteous thought death what they think they think it they would +search less diligently for divine ordinances against suicide. + + + Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail: + Injustice can the just alone assail. + Deny compassion to the wretch who swerved, + Till all who, fainting, walked aright are served. + + +The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is trimmed with +feathers of the white blackbird. + + +All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a +philosopher. + + +Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then +sets up as a fountain. + + +The present is the frontier between the desert of the past and the +garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment. + + +The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention than it is +worth. + + +At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater at death +than at the noon of life. + + +Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce the errors +of youth for those of age. + + +From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, a season. +Age comes in a night and is incredible. + + +Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with "How are +you?" and he replies: "On the contrary, how are _you_?" pass on. + + +If all thought were audible none would be deemed discreditable. We know, +indeed, that bad thoughts are universal, but that is not the same thing +as catching them at being so. + + +"All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you blundered +into it," said Satan, ejecting Hope. "You make trouble wherever you go." + + +Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is present to +answer them. + + +The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. When an +angel wakes one of us dies. + + + The man of "honor" pays his bet + By saving on his lawful debt. + When he to Nature pays his dust + (Not for he would, but for he must) + Men say, "He settled that, 'tis true, + But, faith, it long was overdue." + + +Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first +step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. + + +If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true relation to +the universe. + + +Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his position on +the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning and knows not whither +he is bound. + + +Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting it. + + +As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to the trick +of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy. + + +When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in +adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had. + + +When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why +He then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. + + +She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a crow. He hated +her because she unlocked the cage of his beast. + + +"Who art thou?" + +"Friendship." + +"I am Love; let us travel together." + +"Yes--for a day's journey; then thou arrivest at thy grave." + +"And thou?" + +"I go as far as the grave of Advantage." + + +Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes and spires of +the City of Contentment. + + +You would say of that old man: "He is bald and bent." No; in the +presence of Death he uncovers and bows. + + +If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. Yet every year +has its winter. + + +You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the impossibility of +putting the stones in place. + + +Men were singing the praises of Justice. + +"Not so loud," said an angel; "if you wake her she will put you all to +death." + + +Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the +bogs through which he has floundered. + + +Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we +perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would +abolish evil! + + +One whose falsehoods no longer deceive has forfeited the right to speak +truth. + + +Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is known. + + +To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he who is +persuaded of his incredulity. + + +In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a virtue. + + +That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for not serving +God. + + +A fool's tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his ear commanding +them to silence. + + +If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of love, it +would be sparsely inhabited. + + +To the eye of failure success is an accident with a presumption of +crime. + + +Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his own feet, and +calls it Progress. + + +You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of wayside +roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the route. + + +The world was made a sphere in order that men should not push one +another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks of the sea. + + + Let not the night on thy resentment fall: + Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at all. + The lion ceases if his first leap fail-- + 'Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail. + + +Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made another. + +"Give us that also," said His children. + +"Nay," He replied, "if I give you that you will slay one another till +none is left. You shall have only its name, which is Justice." + +"That is a good name," they said; "we will give it to a virtue of our +own creation." + +So they gave it to Revenge. + + + The sea-bird speeding from the realm of night + Dashes to death against the beacon-light. + Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul, + The ministry of light is guide, not goal. + + +While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your +past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor +guide. + + +"O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?" + +"To spare me thine impetuous embrace." + + +He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent silence, but he +who only believes himself great has embraced a noisy faith. + + +Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or two, and go +our several ways back into the darkness. The mystery is infinitely +pathetic and picturesque. + + +Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills are a-smirk +with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, austere and desolate, +holding a prophecy of doom. + + +It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are not as +other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as to the nature +of the difference. + + +In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward stop until +it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy destination. + + + Seek not for happiness--'tis known + To hope and memory alone; + At dawn--how bright the noon will be! + At eve--how fair it glowed, ah, me! + + +Brain was given to test the heart's credibility as a witness, yet the +philosopher's lady is almost as fine as the clown's wench. + + +"Who art thou, so sorrowful?" + +"Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of +Benevolence." + +"Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence." + +"Wretch! thou art my father and my mother." + + +Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for ourselves nor +resent in others. + + +To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and classify we give +the name Knowledge. + + +"I wish to enter," said the soul of the voluptuary. + +"I am told that all the beautiful women are here." + +"Enter," said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed in. + +"They make the place what it is," added Satan, as the gates clanged. + + +Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without +falling into her hands. + + +Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make restitution to +the accuser. + + +Study good women and ignore the rest, +or he best knows the sex who knows the best. + + +Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. +You may live. + + +Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies +an assumption of superior wisdom. + + +"Who art thou?" said Saint Peter at the Gate. + +"I am known as Memory." + +"What presumption!--go back to Hell. And who, perspiring friend, art +thou?" + +"_My_ name is Satan. I am looking for----" + +"Take your penal apparatus and be off." + +And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: "Come along, you scoundrel! you +make happiness wherever you are not." + + +Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In +transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the +original earth clinging to the roots. + + +The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of Remorse. + + +Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, Youth. + + + There are but ten Commandments, true, + But that's no hardship, friend, to you; + The sins whereof no line is writ + You're not commanded to commit. + + +Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited superstition--it is at +night, mostly, that the king thinks. + + +"Who art thou?" said Mercy. + +"Revenge, the father of Justice." + +"Thou wearest thy son's clothing." + +"One must be clad." + +"Farewell--I go to attend thy son." + +"Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle." + + +Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego. + + +Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an owner. + + +You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing +forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are +avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. + + +A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine-bottle. + + +He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on without them. + + +"Who am I?" asked an awakened soul. + +"That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here," answered a +smiling angel; "this is Heaven." + + +Woman's courage is ignorance of danger; man's is hope of escape. + + + When God had finished this terrestrial frame + And all things else, with or without a name, + The Nothing that remained within His hand + Said: "Make me into something fine and grand, + Thine angels to amuse and entertain." + God heard and made it into human brain. + + +If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for already +Nature's knife is at his throat and yours. + + +To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; beware upon whom +you inflict it. + + + Bear me, good oceans, to some isle + Where I may never fear + The snake alurk in woman's smile, + The tiger in her tear. + Yet bear not with me her, O deeps, + Who never smiles and never weeps. + + +Life and Death threw dice for a child. + +"I win!" cried Life. + +"True," said Death, "but you need a nimbler tongue to proclaim your +luck. The stake is already dead of age." + + + How blind is he who, powerless to discern + The glories that about his pathway burn, + Walks unaware the avenues of Dream, + Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam! + O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned + Thy light lies ever upon sea and land. + From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at will, + And sees a Grecian god on every hill! + + +In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, and in age +beseech. + + + A violet softly sighed, + A hollyhock shouted above. + In the heart of the violet, pride; + In the heart of the hollyhock, love. + + +If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them would +flatter them less and content them more. + + +The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve slipped back +into the Garden. "Thank Heaven! I am again in Paradise," said Adam. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, +Volume 8, by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COLLECTED WORKS OF *** + +***** This file should be named 15599.txt or 15599.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/9/15599/ + +Produced by Paul Hollander, Govert Schipper and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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