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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15544-8.txt b/15544-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..78d5814 --- /dev/null +++ b/15544-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1625 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie, by Barney Stone + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie + +Author: Barney Stone + +Release Date: April 4, 2005 [EBook #15544] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + + + + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +LOVE LETTERS + +OF A + +ROOKIE + +TO JULIE + +_BY_ BARNEY STONE + +HEADQUARTERS CO., 119 F.A. A.E.F. + +ILLUSTRATIONS _BY_ GORDON ROSS + +Copyright 1919 by + +THE SHERWOOD CO. + +All rights reserved + + + + +To-- + +R.E.S., whose Suggestions made these pages possible and palatable. + + + + +[Illustration: ME ON GUARD] + + + + +_DERE JULIE_ + +IN CAMP (Somewhere between the Kitchen and the lunch counter). + +Dere Julie, + +Well, hear I am in camp after being "rough-housed on the rattlers" for +1 day and 2 nites; I was so shook-up that I'm like a loose button on +an overcoat--no wheres in particular. + +The most vivid impression in my bean is our interview in the hall-way +of your flat the night (or was it morning) when we bid each other a +fond fare-thee-well. Never will I forget them tender and loving words +you spoke, also will I remember them words spoke, by the guy on the +second floor, NOT so tender; how was we to know you were backed up +against the push button of his bell? When a boob like him lives in a +flat in wartime he ought to be made to muffle his bell after 10 p.m. +I'm gonna rite the Pres. about this. + +Our going away was some deeparture; I'll bet a small piece of change +that every fair young damsel on the block was present--and some +damsels not so young and fair. The old maid who grabbed onto me had +seen about 40 summers and heavings knows how many winters; she was so +crosseyed that if she had pulled a weep the tears would have run down +the back of her neck. It was her last chance to grab a man and believe +you me, she made use of the opportunity. + +Well angel face, here I am a buck private fur fair, but believe you +me, I'd rather be a private with a chicken on my knee than a kernel +with an eagle on my shoulder; and I'd rather have any shoulder on a +bar than a bar on my shoulder any time. + +Yours loving dough-boy, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I don't know why they call us dough boys, for thirty per aint +much "dough," is it angel face? + +[Illustration: "How wuz I to know you wuz agin the push button of his +bell."] + + + + +Same Camp. + +(Not on the map.) + +Dere Julie, + +Many thanks, my cherrie (that's French), fur the lovely cake you sent +me, but believe you me deary, I didn't get a smell of it. I got the +box about 6 p.m. opened it at 6;01, and at 6;01½ our band played the +Star Spangled Banner and all us fellows had to stand at attention; +by the time they had finished, our company mascot, a billy goat +camouflaged with a bunch of whiskers and an unshaven glue factory +breath gobbled the whole blooming business. + +Speaken of eats, the Gov't certainly comes across with the gorging. +That is, there's plenty of it, but the "maynew" is not as long as a +search warrant. But O, my kingdom for a plate of ham and eggs. Ham is +scarcer here than at a Jew wedding feast, and as for eggs, there ain't +no sich thing in the world. I think that some of Bill of Berlin's +ginks in this country have been hanging up birth control "info" in +every hen house in the U.S. least ways sumpin has happened to corner +the market. + +Well, deary, far be it from me to say how long this war will last. I +got a scheme to end it, so I'm gonna spill it to you, and here she is; +Lock Theo. Roosevelt and his three sons in the same room with William +the Twicer and his seven sons; whichever cums out at the end of an +hour wins the war. You bet when this cums off I'll hold a ticket on +Theo. Well honey bunch, I had a lovely dream last eve, I dreamed that +you and me was holding down a park bench, with not a cop in sight. +I had just taken you in my arms, and touched your ruby lips, when I +suddently awoke to find the captain's pet sausage hound was licking my +nose. Some day there's gonna be a first class dog funeral in this camp +and that lop-eared canine is gonna ride in the head wagon. + +It's so cold down here that if a guy wanted a hair cut all he'd haft +to do would be to wet his hair, leave his hat off, and break off the +icicles, More Anon. + +Yours until Lillian Rustle retires, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I'd rather be a lamp post on Broadway, than a ten story building +down here. + +[Illustration: "The Captin's pet sausage hound wuz lickin' my face."] + + + + +In Camp C, W and H. + +(Meaning cold, wet and hungry.) + +Dere Star of My Heart, + +Big day for us; we got our new soldier scenery--a complete set from +kicks to skypieces. Did you ever see a feather bed with a string +tied around the middle, or a bale of hay with the middle hoop busted? +That's what my appollonnaris form looks like now draped in the togs +handed me by the "land of the free and the home of the brave." The +pants must have been cut out with a circular saw for a bow-legged +simp. I have to use a compass to find out which direction I'm going, +and believe you me when I caught sight of "yours truly" in a mirror I +looked like the end of a load of wood and just as handsome. + +These clothes remind me of the tailors sign on eur block, "A. +LEVINSKY, FIRST CLASS TAILOR. Wear a suit of our clothes and you will +have a fit." I am liable to have several fits before I get acquainted +with 'em. If I could rent out the extra room, I could buy "makins" +for a month. They call 'em fatigue uniforms, and believe you me they +called 'em right--one look at 'em makes you tired. The only things +that fit are the hat cord and collar ornaments. + +You know how it is with me Julie nothing ready made fits me but a +hanky. + +After studying the directions, I managed to make 'em hang on me. I was +so interested in 'em that on my way over to the barracks, I failed +to salute a major who passed; he grabbed me amid ships with one hand +and pointed to his shoulder with the other; my mind bein on clothing +scenery instead of salutin, I piped up, You got no kick comin, look +what they handed me. + +Me and Skinny Shaner got on the outside of about a ½ dozen pickled +pigs feet last night at the canteen and finished off with about a +quart of ice-cream apeace. Along about a hour or so afterwards during +the mixing process, I guess the pigs feet got cold in the ice cream +and commenced to kick. Skinny was doubled up so he looked like a horse +shoe bend on a scenic railroad. I suggested that we each take a dose +of Allen's Foot Ease, as I heard that helped sore feet, but Skinny +balked; he always was stubborn like that. Finally, we sent in a three +alarm for a doc. + +[Illustration: "You got no kick comin'--look what they handed me."] + +He asked us what we'd been eatin; we couldn't give up anything, +otherwise we'd have "give up" the pigs-feet, so the Doc. Allowed we +had the appende-come-and-get-me. That's about as near to the truth as +the Docs usually gets. If you're laying at death's door they generally +pull you thru. The Doc said "operation at once" but havin read Irve +Cobb's book about Operations I passed the buck to Skinny and we +both got better simultaneously to once. I don't jest "make" this +appendicitis but I have a suspicion that's its a disease that costs +about $500.00 more than the stummick ache; anyhow its sumpin you have +just before your Doc buys a new automobile. All the samee, we're off +pigs feet fur life. + +Yrs in Health + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I left my other shirt at the "chinks" to be laundered. Don't let +him sell it for charges before I get back. + + + + +Dere Julie, + +At last I am a officer; and it happened like this. To make my old +lady feel good, and knowin she didn't know much of the "parley-voo" +spoke in the army, I rote her that I had been made a Captain in the +Latrines; this A.M. i gets a "billy-doo" from her asking me, now that +I had got to be a high up officer, not to be too hard on the boys +under me, and to always remember that I was once a buck private in the +rear ranks. I hope the old lady don't think to look the word up in the +dictionary, or she might, as Laura Blue Jeans Libby says "be rudely +awakened." Eh What? + +An instructor today was wising us up on overseas service, and told +us the best way to rough house cooties; he didn't show us any of the +pets, but did show us the scratch proof dug-outs they had made on +his frame. From the way he described 'em and their habits, I imagine +they are the same species of "seam squirrels" that you get in a Coney +Island bathin suit. The first time you go to Mrs. Woolworth's store +please buy and send me a ½ dozen graters so I can rent 'em out to +the boys to scratch on. That's me. In time of piece prepare for war. + +I see by the papers that Uncle Sam says the Kings must be thrown out. +Believe you me, he must be some poker player to throw out 3 kings and +make a hand win. + +Skinny Shaner got in dutch today at drill. We had been drillin for a +hour or so, and the command was, Company forward march! Halt! This was +kept up continuously fur about a hour, and all to wunce Skinny trowed +down his gun and said he'd be d---- if he would be bossed by a guy +like that, he changed his mind to d---- often. Skinny is always like +that. Ever since he's been here, he's been braggin what a fine singer +he is; said his voice was trained for Grand Opera. He sang for us last +night, a song, entitled "God give us cheap ice, for Heaven's knows we +have cheap skates." Believe you me, his voice was trained for Grand +Rapids instead of Grand Opera. + +Yours until the William the Twicer gives that dinner in Paris, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I hope Skinny keeps well. He will if he don't try to sing again +tonite. + +[Illustration: his voice wuz trained fer Grand Rapids instead of Grand +Opera] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +They took away our maiden names yesterday, and give us numbers, +Skinny's is 31. Yesterday his old man arrived in camp to visit him. +Stepping blithely up to the top sarge he pipes up "I am the father of +thirty-one." "Well said the sarge, you ain't got much on me, I am the +father of eighteen myself." + +My number is 475. Today they marched us off to listen to a hour sermon +by a antiquated ol' bunch of spinnage, who at the end bawled out, No. +475. "Art thou weary, Art thou languid?" An now they give me 7 days in +the guard house because I yelled out that I certainly was. How was I +to know that the ol' billy goat was givin out the him to be sang. + +Im readin in the papers you sent me from home that Bill Ferguson has +enlisted, which fact leads your "uncle Dudley" to say that the war +certainly is nearin the end, for nobody ever knowed Bill to hold a job +more than 30 days at the longest. + +We got our first settin up exercises today. Believe you me, they are +more settin down than they are settin up. All the boobs have to lie +on there backs, put there laigs in the air, and move 'em like he wuz +ridin a bicycle. All to once Skinny Shaner stopped. The drill Sarge +stepped over and deemanded to know why he quit. "Im coastin" pipes +Skinny, "I always do a little coastin when I ride a wheel." Believe +you me if Skinny ever tries to ride all of them wheels in his head at +one and the same time, he have to do a considerable lot of coastin. +With love and mushes, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I hope this war lasts till I get over. I'll make that poll +parrot of a clown quince learn to say "UNCLE" in jig time. He won't +have as much chance as a tallow legged dog chase a cat thru H----. Now +that the Yanks have Come in fur fair, Kings, Queens and two spots is +gonna be throwed in the discard. + +[Illustration: "Coastin"] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +The Doc says that me and Skinny will recover, but we'll never look +the same. It wuz like this. Day behind yesterday we wuz out for bombin +practice, each one havin quite some supply of them hell on the Wabash +lookin things in our posesshun. Of course nothing wood do Skinny, but +that he must have a smoke. All to once, as you read in the papers, +their was a tree-mendus explosion and I went up what seamed to me +about a thousand feet. On the way down, I met Skinny going up, he +yelled out to me, "I'll bet you five bucks that I go higher than you +did." Skinny is some sport. + +Some of our training officers has seen active service in the front +line trenches. Yesterday was visiting day in camp; after drill, as +pretty a "Jane" as I have seen in this neck of woods asks one of 'em +did he croak a Fritz, while on the other side? "I sure did," sed he +"with this mighty rite hand." Whereupon, this "bunch of peeches" grabs +his hand and kisses it. Skinny 'lowed as how _he_ would have told her +he bit him to deth. That's Skinny, he's strong for the "Janes." Don't +peeve up Julie, a lot of 'em down here fall for me, but I let 'em +lay; exceptin for a few I've saw, you have 'em all lashed to the mast +howlin fur mercy. + +Seems to me like we don't do anything down here but walk. It's a +wonder to me that all of us don't walk in our sleep. I was telling +Skinny we should have joined the cavillry, but Skinny said no; He +'lowed as how if he ever had to retreat he didn't want to be bothered +with no horse. + +Yours truly and affectionately, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "I'll bet 5 bucks I go higher than you."] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Many thanks for the pink silk piejamas, with the red ribbon ties. +Skinny sez they are "a thing of beauty and a joy forever." It don't +take much to make Skinny poetical. When the Sarge got a lamp at 'em he +sed "they would move _anyone_ to poetry, if he didn't "do the Dutch" +first." + +I'm afraid the Pres. is not running this trainin biz rite. What's +the use of wisin up this big bunch of guys, when one company of cooks +could wipe out the Fritzies in twenty four hours, if they can get 'em +to eat some of the stuff they wish onto us. We have seventeen kinds of +meat everyday--hash. That's all rite. We can stand fur that, but when +they put raisins in it on Sunday and call it puddin, good nite, its +enough to make a feller bat 1000 in the booze league. + +Speakin of shufflin off reminds me that Skinny 'lows as how we ought +to make our wills before we hit the briny trail. The only WILL I'm +worried about Julie, is WILL I cum back? And that's no Bullsheveki, +fur you know derie when one of them tin fish strikes a transport, yer +jest as well let your voice fall. Say Julie, I'm not fur this country +down here a-tall. It has ticks; chiggers and nats all open fur biz +at one and the same time. You never had a tick on you did you Julie? +Well a dog with two sets of flees isn't any busier than said tick. +They ought to draft a lot of 'em into the engineers. They are the best +lil' trench diggers on earth. They always selects a place between your +shoulder blades where you can't reach 'em and dig in. The think-tank +of a tick is not large; but unless they have been shootin hop into +themselves, they can make a guy feel as small as a bar of soap after a +hard days washin. Yours till the kaiser's mustash droops, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Skinny sez this means "poor simp" but lissen, derie, fer you it +means pretty sweet. + +[Illustration: "Them ticks is the best lil' trench diggers in the +army."] + + + + +Friday the thirteenth. + +Dere Julie: + +A bugler is jest as popular round this camp in the a.m. as a roman +nose in Russia. If "yours truly" ever gets a large bunch of the mazuma +I'm gonna hire a bugler to blow the revelee every morning at 6 under +my window so I can tell him to go to H----. Skinny sed a Jane he asked +to marry him wunce told him to go to the same place; she didn't jest +zactly tell in them words, but sed to go ask her paw. Now Skinny +knowed her "old" man was dead, he also knowed what kind of a life +he'd lead, so Skinny was wise to what she ment when she piped "Ask +dad." If she'd told me that same I would have thought she was flashin +a spiel for Sweet Caps. Skinny says that's repartee, but I think +its RAP-artee. Speakin of Russia, I see by the papers that a new +revolution has busted out there. That God forsaken country reminds me +of a fly wheel on a automobeel--2000 revolutions per minute. + +I had a grate peece of luck this a.m. I had three portions of bacon +for breakfast which same happed on account of my bein seated between +a young Jewish feller on one side, and a Catholic feller on the other. +It bein Friday--nuff sed. Don't ever try to tell me again that Friday +the thirteenth is unlucky. + +If I was loose from the army, I could make a million dollars in the +umbrella business; its stopped pouring now, but comin in bucket fulls, +and we are looking fur orders from Washington any day to begin to +build a ark. + +Last nite after taps me and Skinny wuz arguin about who wuz to blame +for this war. Confidentially Julie, I think it was Theo. Roosevelt. Do +you remember Julie, about ten years ago when Theo. was on a trip round +the world, he called on Bill the Twicer and Bill got out his army and +peeraded them in Theo.'s honor? and Theo. not wantin to be lackin in +perliteness, slapped Bill on the back and sed, "Bill with an army like +that you can lick the world," Member him sayin that Julie? Well he +did, and Bill the Two-spot, was d---- fool enuff to fall fur Theo's +bunk. + +Yours 'till the Klown Quince sings the Star Spangled Banner. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "An' Bill The Twicer wuz fool enuff to fall fer Theo's +bunk"] + + + + +Camp Wadsworth. + +Dere Julie:-- + +Well, ol' girl, you can see by the heading of this that we have gone +south. The plentifullest things down here is "dinges", mules and mud, +and you very seldom see one without the other. You know Julie "Birds +of a fether gathers no moss"; sumpin like that anyhow; you know Julie +I was never much on problems. I see a big lazy dinge yesterday asleep +against a corner of the barracks when the bugle blowed the mess call; +he woke up in time to hear the last notes; stretching himself and +scratching his bed, he said: "Dar she blows, dinner time for white +folks, but just 12 o'clock for niggers." + +Well Julie, you can bet your Wrigleys and every hair on your bureau, +that what Sherman said about war is right; its easy to get in an' hard +to get out. Reminds me of the story my ol' man tells about when he +lived on a farm (You know Julie dere, I told you my old man was raised +on a farm in Brooklin, N.Y.U.S.A.). He stuck his bean into a yoke, to +teach a yearling calf to work double, and the way that calf started +to hot foot it to the other end of Long Island was some exhibition of +speed. He could have give the Empire State express a ten mile start +at Peekskill and beat it into Powkeepsy. He yanked my ol' man along +so fast that his feet only struck the ground every other mile. If the +calf had run around in a circle, my ol' man could have spit in his own +face. His coat tail stuck out so straight behind you could have played +a game of peaknuckle on it. Finally the o' man got hep that he wasn't +gonna be able to break the calf before the calf broke my ol' man's +neck so he yelled out, "here we come, dum our fool souls, somebody hed +us off." So Julie, see if somebody bobs up who is able and willin to +stop this little unpleasentness, let him go to it like a sick kitten +to a hot rock. + +Member Julie that song we all usto sing comin home on the boat after +a picnic at Staten Island of the Patrick Dooley East Side Outing +and Chowder Club? You know Julie--The chorus ends with Beans! Beans! +Beans! Say kid, that song would fit in this camp like a hungry tramp +at a chicken dinner. Every farmer in the good ol' U.S.A. must have +planted nothing but beans for the last two years. We have 'em boiled +fer breakfast, baked fer dinner, and in the soup for supper. Every +time the Chaplin (not Charlie) says grace, he always "Thanks the Lord +for these tokens of his grace," and Skinny got forty-ate hours in the +booby hatch fer askin me real loud like, so everybody could hear him +to "please put some of them tokens on his plate." + +[Illustration: "Dinner fer white folks, but jest 12 o'clock fer +niggers--"] + +But all the same Julie I'm glad I'm here. Of course I miss you; as the +poet sez "Your brite smile haunts me still." Never will I ferget what +a beautiful picture you made the Sunday before I left when I was rowin +you round the lake in Central Park. You was settin up in the bough of +the boat trailing your lily white hand in the water, and looking up +into my eyes you gurgled in a voiced choking with love, emotion and +beer, you said, "Wouldn't it be heavenly derie, if we could go floting +down life's stream in a boat like this forever and ever"--an' me +paying 25c. an hour for the boat. Of course you didn't think of that, +did you derie. + +Yours until Brooklyn wins another penant, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie: + +On land again, thank God! Comin across we skidded several times and +there were occasions when it looked like there wuzn't anything like +dry land in the whole world, yet we finally landed on terra cotta, +vice versi, or whatever Lattin fraze they use for solid ground. + +Believe you me, Julie, I luv a life on the ocean wave like a burlecue +soubrette luvs an alarm clock; that is I like it a lot, but not a +heluva lot. Fer four hours at a strech I leand over the side of the +ship; I wuzn't interested in the ocean or the study of fishes, only I +felt I had sumpin I must give up. Finally, after givin up everything, +even standin for some of Skinny's jokes, I managed to recover +sufficient to enjoy two meals before we got to the dock. Believe you +me, derie, you do not know how near you cum to havin to wear black, +and cashin in on my life insurance. Speaking of life insurance, +reminds me of Skinny's prayer when he turned in one night when it was +stormy. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, +If the ship should sink before I wake, Uncle Sam has made a $10,000 +mistake." + +And speaking of turning in brings up the subject of hammicks; show +me a guy who can ride one all nite without being turned out, and I'll +back him to ride the best tricky mule that P.T. Bamum ever trained. +About the only way to do, when the nite is ruff, and the ship is +rockin, is to sit down and wait until your hammick comes around, and +jump on it and choke it into insensibility. I made out to do this +better than the balance of the bunch, as I had had more practice, +owing to the fact I used to use this method after a nite with the +boys; when I got to my street I used to sit down on the curb, and wate +fur my house to come round; when it came I used to jump on it and hang +on. + +Believe you me Julie, that "A life on the ocean wave" may be all rite +as a song but its no noise fur a guy who was born and brung up in +Longacher square. + +Will rite you again as soon as I get my land legs. + +Yours until they build another statue to Von Hindenburg. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "I felt as if I had somethin I _must_ give up."] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Arrived in London O.K. and wet. London is worse than them that talk +about it. When we got unshipped at Liverpool it was rainin cats and +dogs, Skinny was worried over getting his new scenery wet, as he had +lost his rain coat, on the way over, so he spent all morning in the +rain trying to get a new one. Skinny was wetter than I was when I went +home after my nightie the nite you had me stay at your house because +it was stormin outside. He was so wet the water was runnin offen his +rist watch; Skinny wasn't worried about the rist watch as he said it +had been soaked many times before. + +Well derie, I am glad I enlisted; I am sertainly gettin some +experience in this little ol' scrap; and will have sumpin to relate +to them slackers when I get home to 'lil ol' New York. Skinny asked +me did I know what a slacker stood for. I told him I didn't know +everything but that most of 'em reminded me of a lemmen marine +pie--yellow all thru, and not enuff crust to go over the top. However +don't be too hard on 'em Julie, no person is perfect as Mose Jackson +said when he was convicted for the 10th time of harvestin other +peoples poultry. + +The worst thing I haft to lissen to is Skinny talkin about his first +wife. He says he used to sit and hold her hand fer hours; maybe he +did, and believe you me Julie from other things he said about her, I +believe if he'd ever let loose of her hand she would have killed him. + +With love, I am + +Yours until the Fritzies sing the Marcel Wave on Unter der Linden, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: He wuzn't worried. It had been "soaked" often--] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Well ol' dear (you see I've already picked up some London wheezes) a +week has flat-wheeled by since you've heard from 'lil brighteyes. Last +wensday Skinny and me got a pass to do the burg, and our pocket books +have been at half mast ever since. As we are billeted some distance +from Picadilly, we figgered to go downtown in a taxi, rite there our +trubbles begun. We asked the pilot of the tin Lizzie what the tax +would be and he comes back with, "2 and 6 thankee sir." Can you beat +it? Two dollars fer me and six fer Skinny. We hot footed it down and +saved that much. + +I didn't care much about ridin with him anyhow. I think he was a Jona; +anyway he was so cross eyed that if he'd aimed a gun at Berlin he +would have shot an eye out of Constantinopel. + +We wuz a little nervous account of not being wise to the customs, +but Skinny said if we kept our lids down over our ears nobody would +be wise as to what was going on inside our skulls. The first place +we went into was the Palm Tree Inn. All the barkeepers and waiters +was "Janes." Most of them wuz pretty good looking; one "Jane" in +particular was there with a front. Skinny got one lamp at her and +immediately forgot what he joined the army for. + +We wondered why it was called Palm Tree Inn cause there wasn't a palm +in sight, but when we showed the color of our coin, then everybody in +the joint showed us a palm. The people here move slowly, and believe +you me Julie a spider slower than a fifth avenoo handsome cab would +have a cinch spinnin a web around all of 'em. Skinny says most of 'em +has a long line of ancestors; but let me slip you the "info" derie, +that some of 'em must be sinkers on the end of the line. I wish that I +knowed as much as they think they do. + +Yours till someone counts all the flivvers, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Tomorrow night, Skinny wants me to go to the Opera with him. +I'm not goin--cause I always sleep better at home. I'd rather here a +soubrette dolled up in a costume that would barely pass the bord of +sensers sing a song like "Mother don't bother with the rolls, father's +coming with a bun." + +[Illustration: Skinny got one lamp at her, and immediately forgot what +he joined the army for] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +These cockney birds sure chirp some language. Believe you me, a guy +had orto carry an interpreter around with him. Me and Skinny went +out to a swell English camp today to take a peep at English trainin +methods; outside we sees a tipical Tommy Atkins settin down fixin +sumpin wrong with his kicks; as we heaved along side of him, he yells +out to us, "I say, ol' top, have ye any lices?" Skinny, thinkin he +ment did we have seam squirrels commenced to bawl him out in jig time, +telling him there was no such things in the good ol' U.S.A. when he +came back with, "Oh, I say ol' top, I didn't mean the lousy lices, +I meant shoe lices." What they say over here about these cooties +wouldn't look well in print, and makes me think they are harder to get +rid of than a flivver. + +If there's one thing in life that Skinny loves its sumpin good to eat. +Honestly, Julie, I believe he thinks of eating when he's asleep. We +goes into a feedin place yesterday in White Chapel to satisfy what +the poets call, an inner longing. I was so hungry my stomak tho't my +throat was cut, Skinny slips the female "biscuit shooter" a tip and +sez, "Now suggest a good dinner for me;" and she whispered in his +listener "Go to some other restaurant." Serves Skinny right about +losing the tip for he's such a tight wad that when the company sings +"Old Hundred" at chapel Skinny sings the "Ninety and Nine" just to +save a cent. Honest Julie, I don't believe he would give two bits +to see the statue of Liberty do the hoo-chama-cooch. Speaking of +the hoochy-koochy reminds me that we saw the Ol' Curiosity shop that +Charlie Dickens wrote about, and desiring to become acquainted with +how much Skinny knowed about books, plays, and etcetery, I asked +him did he ever see Oliver Twist? He says "no but I've seen Fatima +wiggle." He would miss a point if he sat down on a tack, and it would +take a vaccum cleaner to sweep the cob-webs from his noodle; someday +I'm gonna hang a peece of crape on his nose, for I think his brain is +dead. + +That's why I think he always has a cold in his head, as you know Julie +that disease always strikes in the weakest spot. + +Yours until one of the Kaiser's sons is wounded, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Keep offen indoor sports, fur none of 'em has got sense enuff to +know when to go home. + +[Illustration: Skinny wouldn't giv 25 cts. to see the Statue of +Liberty do th' hoo-cha-ma-coochy] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +We have caught up with the Spanish influenzy--not influence! as there +ain't no sich thing in the world as Spanish influence. The disease is +not confined to Spanish people. It hit Skinny and he speaks Spanish +with an Irish accent, and has never been nearer Madrid than a Spanish +omelet made in Hoboken. + +You're nose gets as red as a rear light on an automobile or the beak +of a Park Row panhandler. Your knees knock together like a man who +sees a collector for an installment house. The only things it don't +attack is your corns. They should rename it mucilage flu because it +certainly is a sticker; you have as much pep as an Ingersol watch with +the main spring on a two weeks vacation; but cheer up derie, there +ain't goin to be any job fer any undertaker. No foreman fur a funeral +is gonna say "All those desirin to kiss the corpse, will please pass +up this aisle and go down the other." Not for a while I hope; which +reminds me of that time you and me went to the revival meetin in +Carnarsie. Remember that Julie? You know the time the undertaker put +a century note in the plate, and the ol' sky pilot not knowing who it +wuz prayed that "the business of the giver would increase an hundred +fold." + +Skinny went into store today to buy a birthday present for his "Jane" +in the U.S. Steppin blithely up to a fresh sales girl he said "I +wanna get something for a gift to a lady." "Your wife sir?" sed she. +Skinny thought it would be safer to pose as a married man, so he said +"Yes'm." "Bargain counter to the right, sir," and she went on wrasslin +with her Wrigleys; she was so busy with it, she wasted no more time +than a blue gum coon passing a grave yard at midnight, with no rabbits +foot in his pocket. The sales ladies in this emporium are always in +high speed, with the throttle wide open when it comes to chatter; at +another counter I asked the young lady to show me the thinnest thing +in underwear. Flashing a 40 below zero look she lisped, "I'm very +sorry sir, but she's just gone out to lunch." + +Yours until the Eskimos wear Palm Beach suits, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "Somethin fer my wife" says he. "Bargain counter next +isle" says she] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +We drilled today for the first time since we landed in this land of +smoke and fog. I'd enjoy these drills, in fact so would all the boys, +if it wasn't fer Skinny. The only one that's in step is him. He knows +as much of the commands as a Bowery Bum knows about publishing a +Chinese newspaper. + +Today we saw a German prisoner for the first time. He looked nearly +human. Written on his belt was "Gott mit Uns," an English soldier who +saw it said, "But I say Ol top _We have the Americans with us_." So +you see they're wise to us already. + +Believe you me derie, if this war lasts six months longer, Gen. +Pershing and his boys will make German the court language in the lower +regions. + +Skinny spent last night in the guard house. In trying to get back in +camp after taps he runs plum into a sentry who said "Halt, who goes +there?" and Skinny told him "Oh never mind, I only have been here +a week and you wouldn't know me ennyhow." He told me today that he +didn't wanna be a kernel as there wuzn't much chance fer advancement. +I think I told you Julie in one of my letters how stingy this bird +Skinny is. Last week we got a three day ferlow and beat it up to the +big burg to see the sites. Goin into one of the big hotels, I said to +the clerk "What are your rates?" "Five shillings up to 10," he said. +Skinny called me to one side an' whispered "Ask him how much it will +be up to half-past eight." + +Well, derie, we hear we're soon goin on to France, and then +fare-thee-well loafin. We be busier than a paralized man with the +cooties. The only thing that's lible to bother me is the language. I +don't know whether I can speak it or not, I never tried it. + +Yours until they have ham at a Jewish wedding, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Skinny and me has at last burgled our way into society. You know +derie, that what I know about the highbrow stuff would fill a book, +and what Skinny don't know would fill a library. + +Believe you me derie, you needn't get jelous for I would just as +soon get chummy with a flivver as I would with this bunch of "Janes" +who put us on exhibition, for that was exactly what we wuz in their +eyes--freeks on exhibition. + +It happened like this: Lady Blue Jeans Shoddy or some name like that +was givin an afternoon funkshun (I'm quotin from the invite so I can' +tell you what it means derie) fer charity and a lot of our company was +invited to come, admission free--tickets fifty cents. Anyhow it was +a lecture by Lord Somebody for the benefit of Lord knows what; the +nearest I could make out it was a spiel on "Do married men make the +best husbands." I'd like to tell you how I enjoyed the talk--but I +don't use that kind of language; anyhow I'll lay a small peece of +change that this bird knew less about what he was trying to talk about +than you could drive into a turkey gobbler with a peggin' awl. I give +in tho, that he was a brave cuss; anybody who stood up and shot "bull" +like he did for two solid hours, must have been brave. Everytime I +looked at him I thought of that ol saw "Faint heart never kissed the +chamber maid." When he finished everyone in the audience was "out" +exceptin an ol maid who was trying to send him a love message by eye +wireless. + +After his batteries went dead on him we was invited to eat. It wuz the +first time I ever eat out in company with Skinny, and believe you me, +Julie, it'll be the last time while I am conscious. I'm not going to +try to tell you of all his breeches of etiket 'twould take too long, +but he pulled one that was a beaut. He kept mixing honey with his +peas; I kep kicking him under the table, and finally I got a chanct to +whisper "What in h---- was he doin that for?" He whispers back "How am +I gonna make 'em stay on my knife if I dont mix 'em with sumpin." + +Yours until country bording houses quit using canned vegtabils. + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie:-- + +When the Kaiser is canned and I get back to the ol' job, eatin my 3 a +day, and holdin your hand in the movies at nite, I'm gonna try fer the +vaudeville. We have formed a quartet in our company, and we must be +pretty good fer up to the present nobody has fired anything at us but +remarks. Skinny tried to git in by telling us his voice was trained; +the top sarge sed he guessed it was trained all-rite, all-rite, +but he must of trained it selling strawberries. We have a little +Yiddish feller in it too, You know, Julie, the one who slips me his +bacon every mornin; when he ain't soldierin, he runs a little gents +furnishin store on 8th Avenoo; he's some warbler too, but persists in +allus wantin to sing "Keep the home fires Burnin." Well Julie, if he +has ten thou. insurance on that joint of his, as he sez he has, no +wonder he wants to "keep the home fires burnin." He's all business +this little Jewish guy. Skinny sez if he was shiprecked on a deserted +eyeland he would get up the next morning and try to sell a map of the +eyeland to the natives. He's a good business feller too. He rote a +song once, fer a big vaudeville actor, and the actor wrote Izzy to +send it along and if it was good he would send a check. Izzy wired +back to send the check, if it was good, he'd send the song. + +Well Julie, I'd like to see your little blonde bean just about now. +Believe you me, Julie, me for the blondes every time. Skinny says that +brunettes is the most popular; well maybe he's right; ennyhow his girl +has been both, so I suppose he knows. I don't know whether you ever +saw this "dame" of Skinny's or not Julie. She lives on the upper east +side of New York and ways about 275 plus in her bathin suit; believe +you me, she ought to marry a traffic cop as he's the only guy I know +of that can handle a crowd. I'll bet 10 cents against Bryan's chance +of being Pres. Skinny can wear one of her stockins for a sweater. If +she ever wore a striped waist she'd look like the awning over a greek +candy store, she never knows when she needs a shine, fer, like Bill +the Twospot, she can't see de feat. + +Believe you me, angel face she looks like a model fer a tent. + +When Her and Skinny walks along Broadway the newsies yell, "Hully +Gee! Here goes the claronet and the bass drum, where's the rest of the +band?" I'm tellin Skinny I can't see anything attractive about her, +and he says "I know you can't see anything but she's got it in the +bank all-rite, all-rite." + +Speaking about this William Jennins Bryan, I'm readin in the papers +about a bull chasin him half way across a field. Imagine Julie, a bull +doin that to Theo. Rusevelt, it wouldn't go ten feet before Theo would +turn round, grab it by the tale and throw it. When it comes to throwin +the bull Theo. has any Spainnard or Mex lashed to the mast howling for +mercy. + +Yours until Eva Tanguay quits singin "I don't care." + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Tell your ol' man not to lose any sleep over the four bits I owe +him on that last peaknuckle game, for if anything happens to me here +you can give it to him out of the l.i. policy. + + + + +NOWHERE IN FRANCE. + +Dere Julie: + +At last we are in the land made famous by Joan of Ark, and notorious +by N. Bonaparty. The little burg we are billeted in is about as big as +a pound of choclates after a Yale-Harvard football game. It's so small +you can stand on the corner of Rue de Main and spit into the country. +It looks like the ornament on a birthday cake or a picture post office +card. + +We have been hear about 1 week, and would have written sooner but for +the second time in the life of yours truly, I am recovering from "Mal +dee Mear" (the name is bad enuff, but the disease is worse) Third +Class passengers call it sea-sickness, but if you have a first class +cabin, you are supposed to call it mal dee mear. + +They say its only about 30 miles from Dover to Callay; maybe it is on +a calm day, but believe you me derie, we went up the hills of water to +the tune of about a hundred miles. It was all-rite goin up, but Julie +goin down is when everything "comes up." That's if you have anything +left to come up. + +[Illustration: "I don't know what to call you," sez he, "Call me an +ambulance," says I.--] + +The game we played comin over would have been a good trainin fer a +prize fiter. We tumbled round so we looked like we was shadow boxin. +"Snappy brand of weather" pipes one of these sailor guys. He was rite, +I never remember givin a better imitation of a whip snapper; and the +wind, Julie dere, the wind which spends its time round the Flatiron +and Woolworth Buildings, are as the poets say "gentle zephers" to that +which sweeps across the English channel when a man sized storm is on; +it listens like a cross between the moan of a dyin giastacutus and a +subway express behind time under the East River. + +I never before was so glad to set my foot on dri land. I was so +tickled I could have kisst the ground if it had been Hoboken, N. +J.U.S.A. Next time they send me to Vive la France, I hope they send me +by parcels post or airoplane. I bumped into the Captain; he said, "I +dunno what to call you," I told him he could call me an ambulance or +a taxi, anything to get to land with. We have been on water so much +since we swore our way into the army, that I don't know whether I'm in +the army or navy. Tomorrow me and Skinny is gonna get a pass to look +over Paree. We're lookin forward to a big time with what Skinny calls +"Ze gay chansonettes." I don't know whether he means a disease or a +dance, as I don't make this parley-voo much, but I'm gonna find out +before we come back. + +With love I am yours until my wrist watch goes 24 hrs without takin a +recess, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. How about my other shirt, did you get it from the Chinks? + + + + +Nowhere in France the morning after a night in Paris. + +Dere Julie: + +So this is Paris. Believe you me, Julie, I don't see why they wanna +keep Wilhelm the Twicer away from this burg; give him 48 hrs. in +Paree like the once around the clock we had here and it would be +fare-thee-well Wilhelm. There would be nothin left to say but "don't +he look natural." + +Speaking of funerals, Julie reminds me that was the first thing we met +up with when we arrove in Paree! Flowers, paul-bearers, an everything. +Skinny lowed as how it must be some high and mitey who had joined his +4 fathers, and asked a Frenchy standing on the curb of the "bull-yard" +who the big guy wuz? Shrugging his shoulders, he pipes up with sumpin +which sounded like "Monsewer Jennyseepah." Well, we didn't ever here +of the poor boob, so we went over onto the next Rue (make that Julie. +I'm getting along fine), and we runs slap bang! into a other funeral +more elegant than the first; and Skinny not wantin to let anything get +by him, again asked the name of the guy ridin in the head waggin and +he got the same answer "Monsewer Jennyseepah." "Yer a liar," yelled +Skinny, "we just saw _his_ funeral on the other street." Well, Julie, +I don't blame Skinny, I was a little sore myself on the way this guy +tried to string us. + +[Illustration: Me an' Skinny seen the toom of Napoleon the Wunst.] + +We got along seem the sights without much trouble; the toom of +Napoleon the Wunst, the bridge over the Sane, the 4th of July colum +and Champ de Lizzie; feelin hungry we drifted into a swell lookin +feedin place with good lookin she waiters. Now don't be nervous Julie, +there ain't nothin gonna happen with me and them Jane's; for believe +you me star of my heart, I don't _care_ what anybody says to me, but +you can bet every dollar that Hetty Green ever gave to charity, that +when I do marry, I'm gonna get a dame who bawls me out in language +that I understand. Well, luckily we struck a she waiter who spoke +a little American; to put it as she said "I speek a leetle of what +Monsewer calls ze Anglaise." The first thing we ordered was soop. The +Jane brought it in a bowl and had her thum jabbed into it, when Skinny +pointed to her thum in the soop, she grinned and sed "Zats all rite, +Monsewer, it is not hot." We got along very well (considerin that +Skinny kept her mind offen her business by trying to send her a eye +wireless) and got down to the desert. You know me Julie, Me for the +good old fashioned pies like my ol' lady makes. Gettin a lamp at what +looked like a juicy huckleberry pie, I pointed to it and said in my +company tone of voice "Please give me a big dose of that huckleberry +pie." Puttin on her prettiest smile and rollin her eyes, and arching +her shoulders she cum back with "if Monsewer will pleese brush off ze +flies, he will find it is custard pie--NOT ze huckleberry." + +Its a good thing we are leaving to-morrow to go toward the front for +if we staid round her long the moral of our regiment would stand at +about zero minus 5. + +Yours until they chase the Kaiser to Holland with the balance of the +windmills. + +BARNEY. + + + + +On the Hike Nowhere in France. + +Dere Julie: + +There shure is a bunch of widows over here, Both grass and sod. I say +little brighteyes, do you think it possible fer a guy to get hay fever +from a grass widow? Ennyhow Skinny got some kind uv fever when he was +chummin round with these female comfort kits, and if they don't lose +his trail, I can see visions of a certain (what the dickens is that +French word for fat--oh yes, embumpoint), lady in Hoboken, N.J.U.S.A., +lookin fer a new affinity. In other words, unless the signs is +misleading, Skinny is gonna lose his liberty by gettin married, and +its the opinion of your "'Lil Brighteyes" that the speech of P. Henry +of Va. on "Give me Liberty or give me deth" was made, more because he +was married than because he was patriotic; and all the married men, +I'm told Julie, are chirpin the same wheeze. Of course with you derie, +its different. I don't believe you would accuse a feller of keepin +another woman when his pay envelope is a nickle shy on Sat. night. + +Skinny and me had a date with the Pudding Sisters at the canteen last +nite, and believe you me, they was some babies, and was well worth the +money we spent on 'em. + +Some people we met today from Belgium say that when the Fritzies get +soused, they hug and kiss every woman they meet. What a fat chance for +that sweet maiden of fifty years who grabbed me off at the station, +the day I left for camp. You can bet your Wrigleys that after a +regiment passed her she would make a detour and catch up with the head +of it again. + +Yours until Eyetalian restaurants serve real wine. + +BARNEY. + +P.S. After readin this letter over I tho't I'd better wise you up on +that date me and Skinny had with the pudding sisters at the canteen +last nite. Women are so suspicious you know. I ment we went down to +the canteen to get some puddin, rice and tapioca. + +"B." + +[Illustration: She would run and ketch up with the hed of the +perseshun] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Your last lovin letter was rec'd by your little bright eyes in a +quaint old burg in viva la France, just back of where the Yanks are +making soup strainers of William the Twicer's boobs by punchin them +in the kitchen with that "wooden sword of America." You know Julie, +that story that the Emp has been jabbing them in the arm with about +"America couldn't fite if she would, and wouldn't if she could," +and tellin em also about Germany's "submarines sinking all the Yanks +transports etcery etcery." If Bill keeps this up very long they will +nickname him Barnum. + +Speaking of William the Twospot, reminds me of what one of our boys, +which was taken prisoner and escaped, wuz telling about what the Emp +said when he saw so many of our boys on the front at Chato Theiry; +sendin fer some of his generals he deemanded they tell him what boat +brung all them Yanks over. One of 'em piped up and sed "I think, yer +Majesty it was the Lusitania." Being German, it went over his bed like +a air ship. + +The way things are goin now, it looks as if William the Twicer is +gonna have a great future behind him: Skinny sez the Klown Quince and +his army reminds him very much of his (Skinny's) brother who went out +west and made twenty Indians run--but the Indians couldn't ketch him. +Believe you me derie, the Boches are running faster than the color +in a 19 ct. pair of stockins. They are hot footin it faster than the +train that I left for camp on pulled out of Grand Central Station; and +that pulled out so fast that when I tried to kiss you from the window +when she started, I kissed a cow ten miles away. + +Well Julie dere, I miss you much believe you me. I'd rather see you +just about now than a messenger with the news that piece has been +sined; of course there's a lot of nice girls hear amung the Red X +Nurses and Y workers, but there's so many officers and gold braids +round that fellers like us dont get any more show than a dollar at a +church fair. + +[Illustration: Speakin' of William the Two-spot] + +We're up now to where we can hear the noise of the big 75's as they +pound the Boches from their trenches and have gotten so used to it +that we can't sleep without it. Every once in a while we see the +ambulances comin in, and a lot of the boys have to be watched to +keep em from trying to beat it back into the trenches again. We heard +yesterday Julie, about a detachment who went over the top and the +commanding officer told em not to go beyond a certain objective during +the first half hour; when the half hour was up they wuz a half mile +beyond the objective. When the major of the battalion bawled out the +company commander, he yelled back at him "H---- if the Crown Prince's +men couldn't stop 'em what chance had I to stop 'em?" That's whats +winning this hi' ol' scrap Julie--we hit em first and apologise +afterward. + +Some of our boys was sayin to-day that they thought the war would soon +be over, and when I ast Skinny about it, he allowed as how that meant +fer single guys only; that the war would go on fer married men just +the same. Corporal Louie Heinlein sez that song "Here cums the +bride is the greatest battle song of all" and Louie has had a lot of +experience with "Janes." But with you and me Julie dere, that will be +sumpin else again. + +Yours till people keep their New Year's resolutions until Valentines +day, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie, + +At last I have smelt the smoke of battel, and fer the third time since +I joined the colors you don't know how near you've been to cashing +that 10 thou. insurance policy. You would have cashed it fer sure this +time, if it hadn't been fer a despised cooty; never again will yours +truly be hard on 'em. + +I have one that I'm gonna retire on a penshun. It wuz like this. +Our regiment wuz called upon to go into the front line trenches and +while I was peepin over the top, one of them pesky "seam squirrels" +commenced bitin the back of my neck. I bent my head for'd to reach +over on the back of my neck to pick him off, at one and the same time +a sniper cut loose at me from a big tree just outside the line of +Fritzies trenches; had my head been where it was before I started to +get the cooty, it would have been fare-thee-well Barney, so I just +put Mr. Lifesaver back, and, as before stated, I'm gonna put him on a +penshun. + +Believe you me derie, the way our boys made that sniper climb down out +of that tree would make Tarzan of the apes have a hemorage, and turn +green with envy; he shinned down that landscape decorashun like as if +it was greased. + +Well derie, when we first swore our way into the army, I thought +Skinny was a coward; I figgered if he ever got in a regular scrap +with Bill the Twicers hired patriots his knees would knock together +like a pair of castnets played by a Spanish bull fiter; but I take it +all back, Skinny in battel is a whole team and a cross dog under the +waggin. It came about like this. We was bein bumbarded by the Fritzies +in the most approved style and believe you me derie, the shells and +shrapnels was flyin round and over our heads thicker than hungry bums +around a free lunch counter; all to once Skinny commenced to get a bad +case of the hecups. I didn't say anything to him as I was busy with a +little party of my own when all to once he yells to me, "Say Barney, +fer Heavens sake do somethin to scare me so I can get rid of these +d---- hecups." So you see Julie dere, you never can tell by the looks +of a frog how fer it can jump. + +This lil' old scrap has brung out a lot of cases like Skinny's; +fellers in civil life that you think wouldn't have the sand to get +manicured, or ther hair cut without takin cloroform, are puttin +themselves on the map faster than towns on newly opened Government +land. Even the married men in our regiment are gettin so "Spiffy" that +I believe they'll have sand enough to talk back to friend wif when +they get back home. + +Yours until they make bottles without false bottoms. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: He cum down that tree quicker than Tarzan uv the Apes] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Well Julie, a courier has just horned his way into camp with the +"info" that this lil ol' scrap is over, and I've lost an other chance +to be a hero; but I'm not gonna go round making a noise like a dill +pickel, just because I didn't get no show to give the Fritzies a upper +cut. I'd rather be a live simp Julie, than a dead hero, any day. + +Its better for me ennyhow, to say "there he goes, than here he lies." +Believe you me derie, I've saw enuff of the damage these Boch pills +can do, to know that a boob who tries to stop one of 'em with his +frame, has no more chance than a 10 cent piece of ice when the +thermometer is 99 plus in the shade, or a scuttle of suds in a Bowery +gin mill. + +Well Ol' dear, she's over, and I didn't get a chance to croak a single +Fritzie. My ol' man had better luck in the civil war. He was out one +hot nite with a foraging party and they run into a confed ambuscade, +a big fat Johnny Reb took after my old man and the chase was nip and +tuck fer about 2 miles. Just when the ol' gent had give himself as +lost, he saw over his shoulder the confed fall down in a heap and die +from being overheated. But at last Julie dere, we have made the world +safe fer the Democrats, so you can kill the cow's young son fer little +bright eyes as they did fer that young high roller mentioned in the +Bible. If veal is top high in the good ol' U.S.A., I'll be satisfied +with a table-dee-hoty dinner at the Cafe Des Enfants (meaning Child's +Restaurant), I'm not particular Julie, so long as every course is +served with your smilin face opposite. The more I see of the "Janes" +over here the better I like the Julies over there. I've saw 'em all +and not a one can hold a tallow candle up a dark alley to my own +Julie. In the language of the poet + + You can talk of English women + Who like there beef and beer; + Of Italy's black haired beauties + Who love there land so dere; + Of Spanish turtle doves + Who sing of wealth and love; + But give me the U.S. Girl + She wins my esteem + Fer everytime you kiss her + You get the flavor of--Boston Pork & Beans! + +[Illustration: Home again, across the ol' Atlantic.] + +Skinny has just arrove back in camp from the trenches and got the news +about the sining of the armistice. He was caked with mud from hed to +foot, which he said he didn't mind till our captin complimented him on +holdin all the ground they took yesterday. I guess Skinny thot he was +bein kidded. I made him pull off his clothes in jig time fer if he'd +ever get caught out in the rain like that he would have suffered a +landslide. + +Well derie, I don't suppose an other letter will reach you before +"Yours truly" so I can't say if I will rite again or not; enny-ways on +our way back across the ol' Atlantic we wont have to look out fer any +of William the Twicers tin fish, and when I get back to the land of +the free and the home of the brave, I'm gonna be afraid to get on a +ferry boat fer fear she might head across the ocean. And now Julie, +fare-thee-well until I hold you in my arms again, + +Yours until married men have alibyes there wives believe + +BARNEY. + +P.S. I've just learned our regiment is to leave for home at once, so +plug the push button on that guys bell in the hallway. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie, by Barney Stone + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + +***** This file should be named 15544-8.txt or 15544-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/4/15544/ + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie + +Author: Barney Stone + +Release Date: April 4, 2005 [EBook #15544] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + + + + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>LOVE LETTERS</h1> + + <h3>OF A</h3> + + <h1>ROOKIE</h1> + + <h2>To JULIE</h2> + + <h2><i>by</i> BARNEY STONE</h2> + + <h4>HEADQUARTERS CO., 119 F.A.<br /> + A.E.F.</h4> + + <h4>ILLUSTRATIONS <i>by</i> GORDON ROSS</h4> + + <center> + Copyright 1919 by + </center> + + <center> + THE SHERWOOD CO. + </center> + + <center> + All rights reserved + </center> + + <p>To—</p> + + <p>R.E.S., whose Suggestions made these pages possible and + palatable.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5.png" + alt="ME ON GUARD" /></a> + </div> + + <h2><i>Dere Julie</i></h2> + + <center> + IN CAMP (Somewhere between the Kitchen and the lunch + counter). + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>Well, hear I am in camp after being "rough-housed on the + rattlers" for 1 day and 2 nites; I was so shook-up that I'm + like a loose button on an overcoat—no wheres in + particular.</p> + + <p>The most vivid impression in my bean is our interview in the + hall-way of your flat the night (or was it morning) when we bid + each other a fond fare-thee-well. Never will I forget them + tender and loving words you spoke, also will I remember them + words spoke, by the guy on the second floor, NOT so tender; how + was we to know you were backed up against the push button of + his bell? When a boob like him lives in a flat in wartime he + ought to be made to muffle his bell after 10 p.m. I'm gonna + rite the Pres. about this.</p> + + <p>Our going away was some deeparture; I'll bet a small piece + of change that every fair young damsel on the block was + present—and some damsels not so young and fair. The old + maid who grabbed onto me had seen about 40 summers and heavings + knows how many winters; she was so crosseyed that if she had + pulled a weep the tears would have run down the back of her + neck. It was her last chance to grab a man and believe you me, + she made use of the opportunity.</p> + + <p>Well angel face, here I am a buck private fur fair, but + believe you me, I'd rather be a private with a chicken on my + knee than a kernel with an eagle on my shoulder; and I'd rather + have any shoulder on a bar than a bar on my shoulder any + time.</p> + + <center> + Yours loving dough-boy, + </center> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I don't know why they call us dough boys, for + thirty per aint much "dough," is it angel face?</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="'How wuz I to know you wuz agin the push button of his bell.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <center> + Same Camp. + </center> + + <center> + (Not on the map.) + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>Many thanks, my cherrie (that's French), fur the lovely cake + you sent me, but believe you me deary, I didn't get a smell of + it. I got the box about 6 p.m. opened it at 6;01, and at 6;01½ + our band played the Star Spangled Banner and all us fellows had + to stand at attention; by the time they had finished, our + company mascot, a billy goat camouflaged with a bunch of + whiskers and an unshaven glue factory breath gobbled the whole + blooming business.</p> + + <p>Speaken of eats, the Gov't certainly comes across with the + gorging. That is, there's plenty of it, but the "maynew" is not + as long as a search warrant. But O, my kingdom for a plate of + ham and eggs. Ham is scarcer here than at a Jew wedding feast, + and as for eggs, there ain't no sich thing in the world. I + think that some of Bill of Berlin's ginks in this country have + been hanging up birth control "info" in every hen house in the + U.S. least ways sumpin has happened to corner the market.</p> + + <p>Well, deary, far be it from me to say how long this war will + last. I got a scheme to end it, so I'm gonna spill it to you, + and here she is; Lock Theo. Roosevelt and his three sons in the + same room with William the Twicer and his seven sons; whichever + cums out at the end of an hour wins the war. You bet when this + cums off I'll hold a ticket on Theo. Well honey bunch, I had a + lovely dream last eve, I dreamed that you and me was holding + down a park bench, with not a cop in sight. I had just taken + you in my arms, and touched your ruby lips, when I suddently + awoke to find the captain's pet sausage hound was licking my + nose. Some day there's gonna be a first class dog funeral in + this camp and that lop-eared canine is gonna ride in the head + wagon.</p> + + <p>It's so cold down here that if a guy wanted a hair cut all + he'd haft to do would be to wet his hair, leave his hat off, + and break off the icicles, More Anon.</p> + + <center> + Yours until Lillian Rustle retires, + </center> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I'd rather be a lamp post on Broadway, than a ten + story building down here.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="'The Captin's pet sausage hound wuz lickin' my face.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <center> + In Camp C, W and H. + </center> + + <center> + (Meaning cold, wet and hungry.) + </center> + + <p>Dere Star of My Heart,</p> + + <p>Big day for us; we got our new soldier scenery—a + complete set from kicks to skypieces. Did you ever see a + feather bed with a string tied around the middle, or a bale of + hay with the middle hoop busted? That's what my appollonnaris + form looks like now draped in the togs handed me by the "land + of the free and the home of the brave." The pants must have + been cut out with a circular saw for a bow-legged simp. I have + to use a compass to find out which direction I'm going, and + believe you me when I caught sight of "yours truly" in a mirror + I looked like the end of a load of wood and just as + handsome.</p> + + <p>These clothes remind me of the tailors sign on eur block, + "A. LEVINSKY, FIRST CLASS TAILOR. Wear a suit of our clothes + and you will have a fit." I am liable to have several fits + before I get acquainted with 'em. If I could rent out the extra + room, I could buy "makins" for a month. They call 'em fatigue + uniforms, and believe you me they called 'em right—one + look at 'em makes you tired. The only things that fit are the + hat cord and collar ornaments.</p> + + <p>You know how it is with me Julie nothing ready made fits me + but a hanky.</p> + + <p>After studying the directions, I managed to make 'em hang on + me. I was so interested in 'em that on my way over to the + barracks, I failed to salute a major who passed; he grabbed me + amid ships with one hand and pointed to his shoulder with the + other; my mind bein on clothing scenery instead of salutin, I + piped up, You got no kick comin, look what they handed me.</p> + + <p>Me and Skinny Shaner got on the outside of about a ½ dozen + pickled pigs feet last night at the canteen and finished off + with about a quart of ice-cream apeace. Along about a hour or + so afterwards during the mixing process, I guess the pigs feet + got cold in the ice cream and commenced to kick. Skinny was + doubled up so he looked like a horse shoe bend on a scenic + railroad. I suggested that we each take a dose of Allen's Foot + Ease, as I heard that helped sore feet, but Skinny balked; he + always was stubborn like that. Finally, we sent in a three + alarm for a doc.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/18.png" + alt="'You got no kick comin'—look what they handed me.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>He asked us what we'd been eatin; we couldn't give up + anything, otherwise we'd have "give up" the pigs-feet, so the + Doc. Allowed we had the appende-come-and-get-me. That's about + as near to the truth as the Docs usually gets. If you're laying + at death's door they generally pull you thru. The Doc said + "operation at once" but havin read Irve Cobb's book about + Operations I passed the buck to Skinny and we both got better + simultaneously to once. I don't jest "make" this appendicitis + but I have a suspicion that's its a disease that costs about + $500.00 more than the stummick ache; anyhow its sumpin you have + just before your Doc buys a new automobile. All the samee, + we're off pigs feet fur life.</p> + + <center> + Yrs in Health + </center> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I left my other shirt at the "chinks" to be + laundered. Don't let him sell it for charges before I get + back.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>At last I am a officer; and it happened like this. To make + my old lady feel good, and knowin she didn't know much of the + "parley-voo" spoke in the army, I rote her that I had been made + a Captain in the Latrines; this A.M. i gets a "billy-doo" from + her asking me, now that I had got to be a high up officer, not + to be too hard on the boys under me, and to always remember + that I was once a buck private in the rear ranks. I hope the + old lady don't think to look the word up in the dictionary, or + she might, as Laura Blue Jeans Libby says "be rudely awakened." + Eh What?</p> + + <p>An instructor today was wising us up on overseas service, + and told us the best way to rough house cooties; he didn't show + us any of the pets, but did show us the scratch proof dug-outs + they had made on his frame. From the way he described 'em and + their habits, I imagine they are the same species of "seam + squirrels" that you get in a Coney Island bathin suit. The + first time you go to Mrs. Woolworth's store please buy and send + me a ½ dozen graters so I can rent 'em out to the boys to + scratch on. That's me. In time of piece prepare for war.</p> + + <p>I see by the papers that Uncle Sam says the Kings must be + thrown out. Believe you me, he must be some poker player to + throw out 3 kings and make a hand win.</p> + + <p>Skinny Shaner got in dutch today at drill. We had been + drillin for a hour or so, and the command was, Company forward + march! Halt! This was kept up continuously fur about a hour, + and all to wunce Skinny trowed down his gun and said he'd be + d—— if he would be bossed by a guy like that, he + changed his mind to d—— often. Skinny is always + like that. Ever since he's been here, he's been braggin what a + fine singer he is; said his voice was trained for Grand Opera. + He sang for us last night, a song, entitled "God give us cheap + ice, for Heaven's knows we have cheap skates." Believe you me, + his voice was trained for Grand Rapids instead of Grand + Opera.</p> + + <p>Yours until the William the Twicer gives that dinner in + Paris,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I hope Skinny keeps well. He will if he don't try + to sing again tonite.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/24.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24.png" + alt="his voice wuz trained fer Grand Rapids instead of Grand Opera" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>They took away our maiden names yesterday, and give us + numbers, Skinny's is 31. Yesterday his old man arrived in camp + to visit him. Stepping blithely up to the top sarge he pipes up + "I am the father of thirty-one." "Well said the sarge, you + ain't got much on me, I am the father of eighteen myself."</p> + + <p>My number is 475. Today they marched us off to listen to a + hour sermon by a antiquated ol' bunch of spinnage, who at the + end bawled out, No. 475. "Art thou weary, Art thou languid?" An + now they give me 7 days in the guard house because I yelled out + that I certainly was. How was I to know that the ol' billy goat + was givin out the him to be sang.</p> + + <p>Im readin in the papers you sent me from home that Bill + Ferguson has enlisted, which fact leads your "uncle Dudley" to + say that the war certainly is nearin the end, for nobody ever + knowed Bill to hold a job more than 30 days at the longest.</p> + + <p>We got our first settin up exercises today. Believe you me, + they are more settin down than they are settin up. All the + boobs have to lie on there backs, put there laigs in the air, + and move 'em like he wuz ridin a bicycle. All to once Skinny + Shaner stopped. The drill Sarge stepped over and deemanded to + know why he quit. "Im coastin" pipes Skinny, "I always do a + little coastin when I ride a wheel." Believe you me if Skinny + ever tries to ride all of them wheels in his head at one and + the same time, he have to do a considerable lot of coastin. + With love and mushes,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I hope this war lasts till I get over. I'll make + that poll parrot of a clown quince learn to say "UNCLE" in jig + time. He won't have as much chance as a tallow legged dog chase + a cat thru H——. Now that the Yanks have Come in fur + fair, Kings, Queens and two spots is gonna be throwed in the + discard.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="'Coastin'" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>The Doc says that me and Skinny will recover, but we'll + never look the same. It wuz like this. Day behind yesterday we + wuz out for bombin practice, each one havin quite some supply + of them hell on the Wabash lookin things in our posesshun. Of + course nothing wood do Skinny, but that he must have a smoke. + All to once, as you read in the papers, their was a tree-mendus + explosion and I went up what seamed to me about a thousand + feet. On the way down, I met Skinny going up, he yelled out to + me, "I'll bet you five bucks that I go higher than you did." + Skinny is some sport.</p> + + <p>Some of our training officers has seen active service in the + front line trenches. Yesterday was visiting day in camp; after + drill, as pretty a "Jane" as I have seen in this neck of woods + asks one of 'em did he croak a Fritz, while on the other side? + "I sure did," sed he "with this mighty rite hand." Whereupon, + this "bunch of peeches" grabs his hand and kisses it. Skinny + 'lowed as how <i>he</i> would have told her he bit him to deth. + That's Skinny, he's strong for the "Janes." Don't peeve up + Julie, a lot of 'em down here fall for me, but I let 'em lay; + exceptin for a few I've saw, you have 'em all lashed to the + mast howlin fur mercy.</p> + + <p>Seems to me like we don't do anything down here but walk. + It's a wonder to me that all of us don't walk in our sleep. I + was telling Skinny we should have joined the cavillry, but + Skinny said no; He 'lowed as how if he ever had to retreat he + didn't want to be bothered with no horse.</p> + + <center> + Yours truly and affectionately, + </center> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/32.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/32.png" + alt="'I'll bet 5 bucks I go higher than you.'" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>Many thanks for the pink silk piejamas, with the red ribbon + ties. Skinny sez they are "a thing of beauty and a joy + forever." It don't take much to make Skinny poetical. When the + Sarge got a lamp at 'em he sed "they would move <i>anyone</i> + to poetry, if he didn't "do the Dutch" first."</p> + + <p>I'm afraid the Pres. is not running this trainin biz rite. + What's the use of wisin up this big bunch of guys, when one + company of cooks could wipe out the Fritzies in twenty four + hours, if they can get 'em to eat some of the stuff they wish + onto us. We have seventeen kinds of meat everyday—hash. + That's all rite. We can stand fur that, but when they put + raisins in it on Sunday and call it puddin, good nite, its + enough to make a feller bat 1000 in the booze league.</p> + + <p>Speakin of shufflin off reminds me that Skinny 'lows as how + we ought to make our wills before we hit the briny trail. The + only WILL I'm worried about Julie, is WILL I cum back? And + that's no Bullsheveki, fur you know derie when one of them tin + fish strikes a transport, yer jest as well let your voice fall. + Say Julie, I'm not fur this country down here a-tall. It has + ticks; chiggers and nats all open fur biz at one and the same + time. You never had a tick on you did you Julie? Well a dog + with two sets of flees isn't any busier than said tick. They + ought to draft a lot of 'em into the engineers. They are the + best lil' trench diggers on earth. They always selects a place + between your shoulder blades where you can't reach 'em and dig + in. The think-tank of a tick is not large; but unless they have + been shootin hop into themselves, they can make a guy feel as + small as a bar of soap after a hard days washin. Yours till the + kaiser's mustash droops,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. Skinny sez this means "poor simp" but lissen, derie, + fer you it means pretty sweet.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36.png" + alt="'Them ticks is the best lil' trench diggers in the army.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p class="author">Friday the thirteenth.</p> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>A bugler is jest as popular round this camp in the a.m. as a + roman nose in Russia. If "yours truly" ever gets a large bunch + of the mazuma I'm gonna hire a bugler to blow the revelee every + morning at 6 under my window so I can tell him to go to + H——. Skinny sed a Jane he asked to marry him wunce + told him to go to the same place; she didn't jest zactly tell + in them words, but sed to go ask her paw. Now Skinny knowed her + "old" man was dead, he also knowed what kind of a life he'd + lead, so Skinny was wise to what she ment when she piped "Ask + dad." If she'd told me that same I would have thought she was + flashin a spiel for Sweet Caps. Skinny says that's repartee, + but I think its RAP-artee. Speakin of Russia, I see by the + papers that a new revolution has busted out there. That God + forsaken country reminds me of a fly wheel on a + automobeel—2000 revolutions per minute.</p> + + <p>I had a grate peece of luck this a.m. I had three portions + of bacon for breakfast which same happed on account of my bein + seated between a young Jewish feller on one side, and a + Catholic feller on the other. It bein Friday—nuff sed. + Don't ever try to tell me again that Friday the thirteenth is + unlucky.</p> + + <p>If I was loose from the army, I could make a million dollars + in the umbrella business; its stopped pouring now, but comin in + bucket fulls, and we are looking fur orders from Washington any + day to begin to build a ark.</p> + + <p>Last nite after taps me and Skinny wuz arguin about who wuz + to blame for this war. Confidentially Julie, I think it was + Theo. Roosevelt. Do you remember Julie, about ten years ago + when Theo. was on a trip round the world, he called on Bill the + Twicer and Bill got out his army and peeraded them in Theo.'s + honor? and Theo. not wantin to be lackin in perliteness, + slapped Bill on the back and sed, "Bill with an army like that + you can lick the world," Member him sayin that Julie? Well he + did, and Bill the Two-spot, was d—— fool enuff to + fall fur Theo's bunk.</p> + + <p>Yours 'till the Klown Quince sings the Star Spangled + Banner.</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="'An' Bill The Twicer wuz fool enuff to fall fer Theo's bunk'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <center> + Camp Wadsworth. + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie:—</p> + + <p>Well, ol' girl, you can see by the heading of this that we + have gone south. The plentifullest things down here is + "dinges", mules and mud, and you very seldom see one without + the other. You know Julie "Birds of a fether gathers no moss"; + sumpin like that anyhow; you know Julie I was never much on + problems. I see a big lazy dinge yesterday asleep against a + corner of the barracks when the bugle blowed the mess call; he + woke up in time to hear the last notes; stretching himself and + scratching his bed, he said: "Dar she blows, dinner time for + white folks, but just 12 o'clock for niggers."</p> + + <p>Well Julie, you can bet your Wrigleys and every hair on your + bureau, that what Sherman said about war is right; its easy to + get in an' hard to get out. Reminds me of the story my ol' man + tells about when he lived on a farm (You know Julie dere, I + told you my old man was raised on a farm in Brooklin, + N.Y.U.S.A.). He stuck his bean into a yoke, to teach a yearling + calf to work double, and the way that calf started to hot foot + it to the other end of Long Island was some exhibition of + speed. He could have give the Empire State express a ten mile + start at Peekskill and beat it into Powkeepsy. He yanked my ol' + man along so fast that his feet only struck the ground every + other mile. If the calf had run around in a circle, my ol' man + could have spit in his own face. His coat tail stuck out so + straight behind you could have played a game of peaknuckle on + it. Finally the o' man got hep that he wasn't gonna be able to + break the calf before the calf broke my ol' man's neck so he + yelled out, "here we come, dum our fool souls, somebody hed us + off." So Julie, see if somebody bobs up who is able and willin + to stop this little unpleasentness, let him go to it like a + sick kitten to a hot rock.</p> + + <p>Member Julie that song we all usto sing comin home on the + boat after a picnic at Staten Island of the Patrick Dooley East + Side Outing and Chowder Club? You know Julie—The chorus + ends with Beans! Beans! Beans! Say kid, that song would fit in + this camp like a hungry tramp at a chicken dinner. Every farmer + in the good ol' U.S.A. must have planted nothing but beans for + the last two years. We have 'em boiled fer breakfast, baked fer + dinner, and in the soup for supper. Every time the Chaplin (not + Charlie) says grace, he always "Thanks the Lord for these + tokens of his grace," and Skinny got forty-ate hours in the + booby hatch fer askin me real loud like, so everybody could + hear him to "please put some of them tokens on his plate."</p> + + <p>But all the same Julie I'm glad I'm here. Of course I miss + you; as the poet sez "Your brite smile haunts me still." Never + will I ferget what a beautiful picture you made the Sunday + before I left when I was rowin you round the lake in Central + Park. You was settin up in the bough of the boat trailing your + lily white hand in the water, and looking up into my eyes you + gurgled in a voiced choking with love, emotion and beer, you + said, "Wouldn't it be heavenly derie, if we could go floting + down life's stream in a boat like this forever and + ever"—an' me paying 25c. an hour for the boat. Of course + you didn't think of that, did you derie.</p> + + <p>Yours until Brooklyn wins another penant,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/44.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/44.png" + alt="'Dinner fer white folks, but jest 12 o'clock fer niggers—'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>On land again, thank God! Comin across we skidded several + times and there were occasions when it looked like there wuzn't + anything like dry land in the whole world, yet we finally + landed on terra cotta, vice versi, or whatever Lattin fraze + they use for solid ground.</p> + + <p>Believe you me, Julie, I luv a life on the ocean wave like a + burlecue soubrette luvs an alarm clock; that is I like it a + lot, but not a heluva lot. Fer four hours at a strech I leand + over the side of the ship; I wuzn't interested in the ocean or + the study of fishes, only I felt I had sumpin I must give up. + Finally, after givin up everything, even standin for some of + Skinny's jokes, I managed to recover sufficient to enjoy two + meals before we got to the dock. Believe you me, derie, you do + not know how near you cum to havin to wear black, and cashin in + on my life insurance. Speaking of life insurance, reminds me of + Skinny's prayer when he turned in one night when it was stormy. + "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, + If the ship should sink before I wake, Uncle Sam has made a + $10,000 mistake."</p> + + <p>And speaking of turning in brings up the subject of + hammicks; show me a guy who can ride one all nite without being + turned out, and I'll back him to ride the best tricky mule that + P.T. Bamum ever trained. About the only way to do, when the + nite is ruff, and the ship is rockin, is to sit down and wait + until your hammick comes around, and jump on it and choke it + into insensibility. I made out to do this better than the + balance of the bunch, as I had had more practice, owing to the + fact I used to use this method after a nite with the boys; when + I got to my street I used to sit down on the curb, and wate fur + my house to come round; when it came I used to jump on it and + hang on.</p> + + <p>Believe you me Julie, that "A life on the ocean wave" may be + all rite as a song but its no noise fur a guy who was born and + brung up in Longacher square.</p> + + <p>Will rite you again as soon as I get my land legs.</p> + + <p>Yours until they build another statue to Von Hindenburg.</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48.png" + alt="'I felt as if I had somethin I <i>must</i> give up.'" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>Arrived in London O.K. and wet. London is worse than them + that talk about it. When we got unshipped at Liverpool it was + rainin cats and dogs, Skinny was worried over getting his new + scenery wet, as he had lost his rain coat, on the way over, so + he spent all morning in the rain trying to get a new one. + Skinny was wetter than I was when I went home after my nightie + the nite you had me stay at your house because it was stormin + outside. He was so wet the water was runnin offen his rist + watch; Skinny wasn't worried about the rist watch as he said it + had been soaked many times before.</p> + + <p>Well derie, I am glad I enlisted; I am sertainly gettin some + experience in this little ol' scrap; and will have sumpin to + relate to them slackers when I get home to 'lil ol' New York. + Skinny asked me did I know what a slacker stood for. I told him + I didn't know everything but that most of 'em reminded me of a + lemmen marine pie—yellow all thru, and not enuff crust to + go over the top. However don't be too hard on 'em Julie, no + person is perfect as Mose Jackson said when he was convicted + for the 10th time of harvestin other peoples poultry.</p> + + <p>The worst thing I haft to lissen to is Skinny talkin about + his first wife. He says he used to sit and hold her hand fer + hours; maybe he did, and believe you me Julie from other things + he said about her, I believe if he'd ever let loose of her hand + she would have killed him.</p> + + <p>With love, I am</p> + + <p>Yours until the Fritzies sing the Marcel Wave on Unter der + Linden,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="He wuzn't worried. It had been 'soaked' often—" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>Well ol' dear (you see I've already picked up some London + wheezes) a week has flat-wheeled by since you've heard from + 'lil brighteyes. Last wensday Skinny and me got a pass to do + the burg, and our pocket books have been at half mast ever + since. As we are billeted some distance from Picadilly, we + figgered to go downtown in a taxi, rite there our trubbles + begun. We asked the pilot of the tin Lizzie what the tax would + be and he comes back with, "2 and 6 thankee sir." Can you beat + it? Two dollars fer me and six fer Skinny. We hot footed it + down and saved that much.</p> + + <p>I didn't care much about ridin with him anyhow. I think he + was a Jona; anyway he was so cross eyed that if he'd aimed a + gun at Berlin he would have shot an eye out of + Constantinopel.</p> + + <p>We wuz a little nervous account of not being wise to the + customs, but Skinny said if we kept our lids down over our ears + nobody would be wise as to what was going on inside our skulls. + The first place we went into was the Palm Tree Inn. All the + barkeepers and waiters was "Janes." Most of them wuz pretty + good looking; one "Jane" in particular was there with a front. + Skinny got one lamp at her and immediately forgot what he + joined the army for.</p> + + <p>We wondered why it was called Palm Tree Inn cause there + wasn't a palm in sight, but when we showed the color of our + coin, then everybody in the joint showed us a palm. The people + here move slowly, and believe you me Julie a spider slower than + a fifth avenoo handsome cab would have a cinch spinnin a web + around all of 'em. Skinny says most of 'em has a long line of + ancestors; but let me slip you the "info" derie, that some of + 'em must be sinkers on the end of the line. I wish that I + knowed as much as they think they do.</p> + + <p>Yours till someone counts all the flivvers,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. Tomorrow night, Skinny wants me to go to the Opera with + him. I'm not goin—cause I always sleep better at home. + I'd rather here a soubrette dolled up in a costume that would + barely pass the bord of sensers sing a song like "Mother don't + bother with the rolls, father's coming with a bun."</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56.png" + alt="Skinny got one lamp at her, and immediately forgot what he joined the army for" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>These cockney birds sure chirp some language. Believe you + me, a guy had orto carry an interpreter around with him. Me and + Skinny went out to a swell English camp today to take a peep at + English trainin methods; outside we sees a tipical Tommy Atkins + settin down fixin sumpin wrong with his kicks; as we heaved + along side of him, he yells out to us, "I say, ol' top, have ye + any lices?" Skinny, thinkin he ment did we have seam squirrels + commenced to bawl him out in jig time, telling him there was no + such things in the good ol' U.S.A. when he came back with, "Oh, + I say ol' top, I didn't mean the lousy lices, I meant shoe + lices." What they say over here about these cooties wouldn't + look well in print, and makes me think they are harder to get + rid of than a flivver.</p> + + <p>If there's one thing in life that Skinny loves its sumpin + good to eat. Honestly, Julie, I believe he thinks of eating + when he's asleep. We goes into a feedin place yesterday in + White Chapel to satisfy what the poets call, an inner longing. + I was so hungry my stomak tho't my throat was cut, Skinny slips + the female "biscuit shooter" a tip and sez, "Now suggest a good + dinner for me;" and she whispered in his listener "Go to some + other restaurant." Serves Skinny right about losing the tip for + he's such a tight wad that when the company sings "Old Hundred" + at chapel Skinny sings the "Ninety and Nine" just to save a + cent. Honest Julie, I don't believe he would give two bits to + see the statue of Liberty do the hoo-chama-cooch. Speaking of + the hoochy-koochy reminds me that we saw the Ol' Curiosity shop + that Charlie Dickens wrote about, and desiring to become + acquainted with how much Skinny knowed about books, plays, and + etcetery, I asked him did he ever see Oliver Twist? He says "no + but I've seen Fatima wiggle." He would miss a point if he sat + down on a tack, and it would take a vaccum cleaner to sweep the + cob-webs from his noodle; someday I'm gonna hang a peece of + crape on his nose, for I think his brain is dead.</p> + + <p>That's why I think he always has a cold in his head, as you + know Julie that disease always strikes in the weakest spot.</p> + + <p>Yours until one of the Kaiser's sons is wounded,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. Keep offen indoor sports, fur none of 'em has got sense + enuff to know when to go home.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/60.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60.png" + alt="Skinny wouldn't giv 25 cts. to see the Statue of Liberty do th' hoo-cha-ma-coochy" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>We have caught up with the Spanish influenzy—not + influence! as there ain't no sich thing in the world as Spanish + influence. The disease is not confined to Spanish people. It + hit Skinny and he speaks Spanish with an Irish accent, and has + never been nearer Madrid than a Spanish omelet made in + Hoboken.</p> + + <p>You're nose gets as red as a rear light on an automobile or + the beak of a Park Row panhandler. Your knees knock together + like a man who sees a collector for an installment house. The + only things it don't attack is your corns. They should rename + it mucilage flu because it certainly is a sticker; you have as + much pep as an Ingersol watch with the main spring on a two + weeks vacation; but cheer up derie, there ain't goin to be any + job fer any undertaker. No foreman fur a funeral is gonna say + "All those desirin to kiss the corpse, will please pass up this + aisle and go down the other." Not for a while I hope; which + reminds me of that time you and me went to the revival meetin + in Carnarsie. Remember that Julie? You know the time the + undertaker put a century note in the plate, and the ol' sky + pilot not knowing who it wuz prayed that "the business of the + giver would increase an hundred fold."</p> + + <p>Skinny went into store today to buy a birthday present for + his "Jane" in the U.S. Steppin blithely up to a fresh sales + girl he said "I wanna get something for a gift to a lady." + "Your wife sir?" sed she. Skinny thought it would be safer to + pose as a married man, so he said "Yes'm." "Bargain counter to + the right, sir," and she went on wrasslin with her Wrigleys; + she was so busy with it, she wasted no more time than a blue + gum coon passing a grave yard at midnight, with no rabbits foot + in his pocket. The sales ladies in this emporium are always in + high speed, with the throttle wide open when it comes to + chatter; at another counter I asked the young lady to show me + the thinnest thing in underwear. Flashing a 40 below zero look + she lisped, "I'm very sorry sir, but she's just gone out to + lunch."</p> + + <p>Yours until the Eskimos wear Palm Beach suits,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'Somethin fer my wife' says he. 'Bargain counter next isle' says she" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>We drilled today for the first time since we landed in this + land of smoke and fog. I'd enjoy these drills, in fact so would + all the boys, if it wasn't fer Skinny. The only one that's in + step is him. He knows as much of the commands as a Bowery Bum + knows about publishing a Chinese newspaper.</p> + + <p>Today we saw a German prisoner for the first time. He looked + nearly human. Written on his belt was "Gott mit Uns," an + English soldier who saw it said, "But I say Ol top <i>We have + the Americans with us</i>." So you see they're wise to us + already.</p> + + <p>Believe you me derie, if this war lasts six months longer, + Gen. Pershing and his boys will make German the court language + in the lower regions.</p> + + <p>Skinny spent last night in the guard house. In trying to get + back in camp after taps he runs plum into a sentry who said + "Halt, who goes there?" and Skinny told him "Oh never mind, I + only have been here a week and you wouldn't know me ennyhow." + He told me today that he didn't wanna be a kernel as there + wuzn't much chance fer advancement. I think I told you Julie in + one of my letters how stingy this bird Skinny is. Last week we + got a three day ferlow and beat it up to the big burg to see + the sites. Goin into one of the big hotels, I said to the clerk + "What are your rates?" "Five shillings up to 10," he said. + Skinny called me to one side an' whispered "Ask him how much it + will be up to half-past eight."</p> + + <p>Well, derie, we hear we're soon goin on to France, and then + fare-thee-well loafin. We be busier than a paralized man with + the cooties. The only thing that's lible to bother me is the + language. I don't know whether I can speak it or not, I never + tried it.</p> + + <p>Yours until they have ham at a Jewish wedding,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>Skinny and me has at last burgled our way into society. You + know derie, that what I know about the highbrow stuff would + fill a book, and what Skinny don't know would fill a + library.</p> + + <p>Believe you me derie, you needn't get jelous for I would + just as soon get chummy with a flivver as I would with this + bunch of "Janes" who put us on exhibition, for that was exactly + what we wuz in their eyes—freeks on exhibition.</p> + + <p>It happened like this: Lady Blue Jeans Shoddy or some name + like that was givin an afternoon funkshun (I'm quotin from the + invite so I can' tell you what it means derie) fer charity and + a lot of our company was invited to come, admission + free—tickets fifty cents. Anyhow it was a lecture by Lord + Somebody for the benefit of Lord knows what; the nearest I + could make out it was a spiel on "Do married men make the best + husbands." I'd like to tell you how I enjoyed the + talk—but I don't use that kind of language; anyhow I'll + lay a small peece of change that this bird knew less about what + he was trying to talk about than you could drive into a turkey + gobbler with a peggin' awl. I give in tho, that he was a brave + cuss; anybody who stood up and shot "bull" like he did for two + solid hours, must have been brave. Everytime I looked at him I + thought of that ol saw "Faint heart never kissed the chamber + maid." When he finished everyone in the audience was "out" + exceptin an ol maid who was trying to send him a love message + by eye wireless.</p> + + <p>After his batteries went dead on him we was invited to eat. + It wuz the first time I ever eat out in company with Skinny, + and believe you me, Julie, it'll be the last time while I am + conscious. I'm not going to try to tell you of all his breeches + of etiket 'twould take too long, but he pulled one that was a + beaut. He kept mixing honey with his peas; I kep kicking him + under the table, and finally I got a chanct to whisper "What in + h—— was he doin that for?" He whispers back "How am + I gonna make 'em stay on my knife if I dont mix 'em with + sumpin."</p> + + <p>Yours until country bording houses quit using canned + vegtabils.</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dere Julie:—</p> + + <p>When the Kaiser is canned and I get back to the ol' job, + eatin my 3 a day, and holdin your hand in the movies at nite, + I'm gonna try fer the vaudeville. We have formed a quartet in + our company, and we must be pretty good fer up to the present + nobody has fired anything at us but remarks. Skinny tried to + git in by telling us his voice was trained; the top sarge sed + he guessed it was trained all-rite, all-rite, but he must of + trained it selling strawberries. We have a little Yiddish + feller in it too, You know, Julie, the one who slips me his + bacon every mornin; when he ain't soldierin, he runs a little + gents furnishin store on 8th Avenoo; he's some warbler too, but + persists in allus wantin to sing "Keep the home fires Burnin." + Well Julie, if he has ten thou. insurance on that joint of his, + as he sez he has, no wonder he wants to "keep the home fires + burnin." He's all business this little Jewish guy. Skinny sez + if he was shiprecked on a deserted eyeland he would get up the + next morning and try to sell a map of the eyeland to the + natives. He's a good business feller too. He rote a song once, + fer a big vaudeville actor, and the actor wrote Izzy to send it + along and if it was good he would send a check. Izzy wired back + to send the check, if it was good, he'd send the song.</p> + + <p>Well Julie, I'd like to see your little blonde bean just + about now. Believe you me, Julie, me for the blondes every + time. Skinny says that brunettes is the most popular; well + maybe he's right; ennyhow his girl has been both, so I suppose + he knows. I don't know whether you ever saw this "dame" of + Skinny's or not Julie. She lives on the upper east side of New + York and ways about 275 plus in her bathin suit; believe you + me, she ought to marry a traffic cop as he's the only guy I + know of that can handle a crowd. I'll bet 10 cents against + Bryan's chance of being Pres. Skinny can wear one of her + stockins for a sweater. If she ever wore a striped waist she'd + look like the awning over a greek candy store, she never knows + when she needs a shine, fer, like Bill the Twospot, she can't + see de feat.</p> + + <p>Believe you me, angel face she looks like a model fer a + tent.</p> + + <p>When Her and Skinny walks along Broadway the newsies yell, + "Hully Gee! Here goes the claronet and the bass drum, where's + the rest of the band?" I'm tellin Skinny I can't see anything + attractive about her, and he says "I know you can't see + anything but she's got it in the bank all-rite, all-rite."</p> + + <p>Speaking about this William Jennins Bryan, I'm readin in the + papers about a bull chasin him half way across a field. Imagine + Julie, a bull doin that to Theo. Rusevelt, it wouldn't go ten + feet before Theo would turn round, grab it by the tale and + throw it. When it comes to throwin the bull Theo. has any + Spainnard or Mex lashed to the mast howling for mercy.</p> + + <p>Yours until Eva Tanguay quits singin "I don't care."</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. Tell your ol' man not to lose any sleep over the four + bits I owe him on that last peaknuckle game, for if anything + happens to me here you can give it to him out of the l.i. + policy.</p> + <hr /> + + <center> + NOWHERE IN FRANCE. + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>At last we are in the land made famous by Joan of Ark, and + notorious by N. Bonaparty. The little burg we are billeted in + is about as big as a pound of choclates after a Yale-Harvard + football game. It's so small you can stand on the corner of Rue + de Main and spit into the country. It looks like the ornament + on a birthday cake or a picture post office card.</p> + + <p>We have been hear about 1 week, and would have written + sooner but for the second time in the life of yours truly, I am + recovering from "Mal dee Mear" (the name is bad enuff, but the + disease is worse) Third Class passengers call it sea-sickness, + but if you have a first class cabin, you are supposed to call + it mal dee mear.</p> + + <p>They say its only about 30 miles from Dover to Callay; maybe + it is on a calm day, but believe you me derie, we went up the + hills of water to the tune of about a hundred miles. It was + all-rite goin up, but Julie goin down is when everything "comes + up." That's if you have anything left to come up.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/74.png" + alt="'I don't know what to call you,' sez he. 'Call me an ambulance,' sez I." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>The game we played comin over would have been a good trainin + fer a prize fiter. We tumbled round so we looked like we was + shadow boxin. "Snappy brand of weather" pipes one of these + sailor guys. He was rite, I never remember givin a better + imitation of a whip snapper; and the wind, Julie dere, the wind + which spends its time round the Flatiron and Woolworth + Buildings, are as the poets say "gentle zephers" to that which + sweeps across the English channel when a man sized storm is on; + it listens like a cross between the moan of a dyin giastacutus + and a subway express behind time under the East River.</p> + + <p>I never before was so glad to set my foot on dri land. I was + so tickled I could have kisst the ground if it had been + Hoboken, N. J.U.S.A. Next time they send me to Vive la France, + I hope they send me by parcels post or airoplane. I bumped into + the Captain; he said, "I dunno what to call you," I told him he + could call me an ambulance or a taxi, anything to get to land + with. We have been on water so much since we swore our way into + the army, that I don't know whether I'm in the army or navy. + Tomorrow me and Skinny is gonna get a pass to look over Paree. + We're lookin forward to a big time with what Skinny calls "Ze + gay chansonettes." I don't know whether he means a disease or a + dance, as I don't make this parley-voo much, but I'm gonna find + out before we come back.</p> + + <p>With love I am yours until my wrist watch goes 24 hrs + without takin a recess,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. How about my other shirt, did you get it from the + Chinks?</p> + <hr /> + + <center> + Nowhere in France the morning after a night in Paris. + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>So this is Paris. Believe you me, Julie, I don't see why + they wanna keep Wilhelm the Twicer away from this burg; give + him 48 hrs. in Paree like the once around the clock we had here + and it would be fare-thee-well Wilhelm. There would be nothin + left to say but "don't he look natural."</p> + + <p>Speaking of funerals, Julie reminds me that was the first + thing we met up with when we arrove in Paree! Flowers, + paul-bearers, an everything. Skinny lowed as how it must be + some high and mitey who had joined his 4 fathers, and asked a + Frenchy standing on the curb of the "bull-yard" who the big guy + wuz? Shrugging his shoulders, he pipes up with sumpin which + sounded like "Monsewer Jennyseepah." Well, we didn't ever here + of the poor boob, so we went over onto the next Rue (make that + Julie. I'm getting along fine), and we runs slap bang! into a + other funeral more elegant than the first; and Skinny not + wantin to let anything get by him, again asked the name of the + guy ridin in the head waggin and he got the same answer + "Monsewer Jennyseepah." "Yer a liar," yelled Skinny, "we just + saw <i>his</i> funeral on the other street." Well, Julie, I + don't blame Skinny, I was a little sore myself on the way this + guy tried to string us.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/78.png" + alt="Me an' Skinny seen the toom of Napoleon the Wunst." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>We got along seem the sights without much trouble; the toom + of Napoleon the Wunst, the bridge over the Sane, the 4th of + July colum and Champ de Lizzie; feelin hungry we drifted into a + swell lookin feedin place with good lookin she waiters. Now + don't be nervous Julie, there ain't nothin gonna happen with me + and them Jane's; for believe you me star of my heart, I don't + <i>care</i> what anybody says to me, but you can bet every + dollar that Hetty Green ever gave to charity, that when I do + marry, I'm gonna get a dame who bawls me out in language that I + understand. Well, luckily we struck a she waiter who spoke a + little American; to put it as she said "I speek a leetle of + what Monsewer calls ze Anglaise." The first thing we ordered + was soop. The Jane brought it in a bowl and had her thum jabbed + into it, when Skinny pointed to her thum in the soop, she + grinned and sed "Zats all rite, Monsewer, it is not hot." We + got along very well (considerin that Skinny kept her mind offen + her business by trying to send her a eye wireless) and got down + to the desert. You know me Julie, Me for the good old fashioned + pies like my ol' lady makes. Gettin a lamp at what looked like + a juicy huckleberry pie, I pointed to it and said in my company + tone of voice "Please give me a big dose of that huckleberry + pie." Puttin on her prettiest smile and rollin her eyes, and + arching her shoulders she cum back with "if Monsewer will + pleese brush off ze flies, he will find it is custard + pie—NOT ze huckleberry."</p> + + <p>Its a good thing we are leaving to-morrow to go toward the + front for if we staid round her long the moral of our regiment + would stand at about zero minus 5.</p> + + <p>Yours until they chase the Kaiser to Holland with the + balance of the windmills.</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <center> + On the Hike Nowhere in France. + </center> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>There shure is a bunch of widows over here, Both grass and + sod. I say little brighteyes, do you think it possible fer a + guy to get hay fever from a grass widow? Ennyhow Skinny got + some kind uv fever when he was chummin round with these female + comfort kits, and if they don't lose his trail, I can see + visions of a certain (what the dickens is that French word for + fat—oh yes, embumpoint), lady in Hoboken, N.J.U.S.A., + lookin fer a new affinity. In other words, unless the signs is + misleading, Skinny is gonna lose his liberty by gettin married, + and its the opinion of your "'Lil Brighteyes" that the speech + of P. Henry of Va. on "Give me Liberty or give me deth" was + made, more because he was married than because he was + patriotic; and all the married men, I'm told Julie, are chirpin + the same wheeze. Of course with you derie, its different. I + don't believe you would accuse a feller of keepin another woman + when his pay envelope is a nickle shy on Sat. night.</p> + + <p>Skinny and me had a date with the Pudding Sisters at the + canteen last nite, and believe you me, they was some babies, + and was well worth the money we spent on 'em.</p> + + <p>Some people we met today from Belgium say that when the + Fritzies get soused, they hug and kiss every woman they meet. + What a fat chance for that sweet maiden of fifty years who + grabbed me off at the station, the day I left for camp. You can + bet your Wrigleys that after a regiment passed her she would + make a detour and catch up with the head of it again.</p> + + <p>Yours until Eyetalian restaurants serve real wine.</p> + + <p>BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. After readin this letter over I tho't I'd better wise + you up on that date me and Skinny had with the pudding sisters + at the canteen last nite. Women are so suspicious you know. I + ment we went down to the canteen to get some puddin, rice and + tapioca.</p> + + <p class="author">"B."</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/84.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84.png" + alt="She would run and ketch up with the hed of the perseshun" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie:</p> + + <p>Your last lovin letter was rec'd by your little bright eyes + in a quaint old burg in viva la France, just back of where the + Yanks are making soup strainers of William the Twicer's boobs + by punchin them in the kitchen with that "wooden sword of + America." You know Julie, that story that the Emp has been + jabbing them in the arm with about "America couldn't fite if + she would, and wouldn't if she could," and tellin em also about + Germany's "submarines sinking all the Yanks transports etcery + etcery." If Bill keeps this up very long they will nickname him + Barnum.</p> + + <p>Speaking of William the Twospot, reminds me of what one of + our boys, which was taken prisoner and escaped, wuz telling + about what the Emp said when he saw so many of our boys on the + front at Chato Theiry; sendin fer some of his generals he + deemanded they tell him what boat brung all them Yanks over. + One of 'em piped up and sed "I think, yer Majesty it was the + Lusitania." Being German, it went over his bed like a air + ship.</p> + + <p>The way things are goin now, it looks as if William the + Twicer is gonna have a great future behind him: Skinny sez the + Klown Quince and his army reminds him very much of his + (Skinny's) brother who went out west and made twenty Indians + run—but the Indians couldn't ketch him. Believe you me + derie, the Boches are running faster than the color in a 19 ct. + pair of stockins. They are hot footin it faster than the train + that I left for camp on pulled out of Grand Central Station; + and that pulled out so fast that when I tried to kiss you from + the window when she started, I kissed a cow ten miles away.</p> + + <p>Well Julie dere, I miss you much believe you me. I'd rather + see you just about now than a messenger with the news that + piece has been sined; of course there's a lot of nice girls + hear amung the Red X Nurses and Y workers, but there's so many + officers and gold braids round that fellers like us dont get + any more show than a dollar at a church fair.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88.png" + alt="Speakin' of William the Two-spot" /></a> + </div> + + <p>We're up now to where we can hear the noise of the big 75's + as they pound the Boches from their trenches and have gotten so + used to it that we can't sleep without it. Every once in a + while we see the ambulances comin in, and a lot of the boys + have to be watched to keep em from trying to beat it back into + the trenches again. We heard yesterday Julie, about a + detachment who went over the top and the commanding officer + told em not to go beyond a certain objective during the first + half hour; when the half hour was up they wuz a half mile + beyond the objective. When the major of the battalion bawled + out the company commander, he yelled back at him + "H—— if the Crown Prince's men couldn't stop 'em + what chance had I to stop 'em?" That's whats winning this hi' + ol' scrap Julie—we hit em first and apologise + afterward.</p> + + <p>Some of our boys was sayin to-day that they thought the war + would soon be over, and when I ast Skinny about it, he allowed + as how that meant fer single guys only; that the war would go + on fer married men just the same. Corporal Louie Heinlein sez + that song "Here cums the bride is the greatest battle song of + all" and Louie has had a lot of experience with "Janes." But + with you and me Julie dere, that will be sumpin else again.</p> + + <p>Yours till people keep their New Year's resolutions until + Valentines day,</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>At last I have smelt the smoke of battel, and fer the third + time since I joined the colors you don't know how near you've + been to cashing that 10 thou. insurance policy. You would have + cashed it fer sure this time, if it hadn't been fer a despised + cooty; never again will yours truly be hard on 'em.</p> + + <p>I have one that I'm gonna retire on a penshun. It wuz like + this. Our regiment wuz called upon to go into the front line + trenches and while I was peepin over the top, one of them pesky + "seam squirrels" commenced bitin the back of my neck. I bent my + head for'd to reach over on the back of my neck to pick him + off, at one and the same time a sniper cut loose at me from a + big tree just outside the line of Fritzies trenches; had my + head been where it was before I started to get the cooty, it + would have been fare-thee-well Barney, so I just put Mr. + Lifesaver back, and, as before stated, I'm gonna put him on a + penshun.</p> + + <p>Believe you me derie, the way our boys made that sniper + climb down out of that tree would make Tarzan of the apes have + a hemorage, and turn green with envy; he shinned down that + landscape decorashun like as if it was greased.</p> + + <p>Well derie, when we first swore our way into the army, I + thought Skinny was a coward; I figgered if he ever got in a + regular scrap with Bill the Twicers hired patriots his knees + would knock together like a pair of castnets played by a + Spanish bull fiter; but I take it all back, Skinny in battel is + a whole team and a cross dog under the waggin. It came about + like this. We was bein bumbarded by the Fritzies in the most + approved style and believe you me derie, the shells and + shrapnels was flyin round and over our heads thicker than + hungry bums around a free lunch counter; all to once Skinny + commenced to get a bad case of the hecups. I didn't say + anything to him as I was busy with a little party of my own + when all to once he yells to me, "Say Barney, fer Heavens sake + do somethin to scare me so I can get rid of these + d—— hecups." So you see Julie dere, you never can + tell by the looks of a frog how fer it can jump.</p> + + <p>This lil' old scrap has brung out a lot of cases like + Skinny's; fellers in civil life that you think wouldn't have + the sand to get manicured, or ther hair cut without takin + cloroform, are puttin themselves on the map faster than towns + on newly opened Government land. Even the married men in our + regiment are gettin so "Spiffy" that I believe they'll have + sand enough to talk back to friend wif when they get back + home.</p> + + <p>Yours until they make bottles without false bottoms.</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/92.png" + alt="He cum down that tree quicker than Tarzan uv the Apes" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Dere Julie,</p> + + <p>Well Julie, a courier has just horned his way into camp with + the "info" that this lil ol' scrap is over, and I've lost an + other chance to be a hero; but I'm not gonna go round making a + noise like a dill pickel, just because I didn't get no show to + give the Fritzies a upper cut. I'd rather be a live simp Julie, + than a dead hero, any day.</p> + + <p>Its better for me ennyhow, to say "there he goes, than here + he lies." Believe you me derie, I've saw enuff of the damage + these Boch pills can do, to know that a boob who tries to stop + one of 'em with his frame, has no more chance than a 10 cent + piece of ice when the thermometer is 99 plus in the shade, or a + scuttle of suds in a Bowery gin mill.</p> + + <p>Well Ol' dear, she's over, and I didn't get a chance to + croak a single Fritzie. My ol' man had better luck in the civil + war. He was out one hot nite with a foraging party and they run + into a confed ambuscade, a big fat Johnny Reb took after my old + man and the chase was nip and tuck fer about 2 miles. Just when + the ol' gent had give himself as lost, he saw over his shoulder + the confed fall down in a heap and die from being overheated. + But at last Julie dere, we have made the world safe fer the + Democrats, so you can kill the cow's young son fer little + bright eyes as they did fer that young high roller mentioned in + the Bible. If veal is top high in the good ol' U.S.A., I'll be + satisfied with a table-dee-hoty dinner at the Cafe Des Enfants + (meaning Child's Restaurant), I'm not particular Julie, so long + as every course is served with your smilin face opposite. The + more I see of the "Janes" over here the better I like the + Julies over there. I've saw 'em all and not a one can hold a + tallow candle up a dark alley to my own Julie. In the language + of the poet</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You can talk of English women</p> + + <p class="i2">Who like there beef and beer;</p> + + <p>Of Italy's black haired beauties</p> + + <p class="i2">Who love there land so dere;</p> + + <p>Of Spanish turtle doves</p> + + <p class="i2">Who sing of wealth and love;</p> + + <p>But give me the U.S. Girl</p> + + <p class="i2">She wins my esteem</p> + + <p>Fer everytime you kiss her</p> + + <p class="i2">You get the flavor of—Boston Pork + & Beans!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/96.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96.png" + alt="Home again, across the ol' Atlantic." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Skinny has just arrove back in camp from the trenches and + got the news about the sining of the armistice. He was caked + with mud from hed to foot, which he said he didn't mind till + our captin complimented him on holdin all the ground they took + yesterday. I guess Skinny thot he was bein kidded. I made him + pull off his clothes in jig time fer if he'd ever get caught + out in the rain like that he would have suffered a + landslide.</p> + + <p>Well derie, I don't suppose an other letter will reach you + before "Yours truly" so I can't say if I will rite again or + not; enny-ways on our way back across the ol' Atlantic we wont + have to look out fer any of William the Twicers tin fish, and + when I get back to the land of the free and the home of the + brave, I'm gonna be afraid to get on a ferry boat fer fear she + might head across the ocean. And now Julie, fare-thee-well + until I hold you in my arms again,</p> + + <p>Yours until married men have alibyes there wives believe</p> + + <p class="author">BARNEY.</p> + + <p>P.S. I've just learned our regiment is to leave for home at + once, so plug the push button on that guys bell in the + hallway.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie, by Barney Stone + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + +***** This file should be named 15544-h.htm or 15544-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/4/15544/ + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie + +Author: Barney Stone + +Release Date: April 4, 2005 [EBook #15544] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + + + + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +LOVE LETTERS + +OF A + +ROOKIE + +TO JULIE + +_BY_ BARNEY STONE + +HEADQUARTERS CO., 119 F.A. A.E.F. + +ILLUSTRATIONS _BY_ GORDON ROSS + +Copyright 1919 by + +THE SHERWOOD CO. + +All rights reserved + + + + +To-- + +R.E.S., whose Suggestions made these pages possible and palatable. + + + + +[Illustration: ME ON GUARD] + + + + +_DERE JULIE_ + +IN CAMP (Somewhere between the Kitchen and the lunch counter). + +Dere Julie, + +Well, hear I am in camp after being "rough-housed on the rattlers" for +1 day and 2 nites; I was so shook-up that I'm like a loose button on +an overcoat--no wheres in particular. + +The most vivid impression in my bean is our interview in the hall-way +of your flat the night (or was it morning) when we bid each other a +fond fare-thee-well. Never will I forget them tender and loving words +you spoke, also will I remember them words spoke, by the guy on the +second floor, NOT so tender; how was we to know you were backed up +against the push button of his bell? When a boob like him lives in a +flat in wartime he ought to be made to muffle his bell after 10 p.m. +I'm gonna rite the Pres. about this. + +Our going away was some deeparture; I'll bet a small piece of change +that every fair young damsel on the block was present--and some +damsels not so young and fair. The old maid who grabbed onto me had +seen about 40 summers and heavings knows how many winters; she was so +crosseyed that if she had pulled a weep the tears would have run down +the back of her neck. It was her last chance to grab a man and believe +you me, she made use of the opportunity. + +Well angel face, here I am a buck private fur fair, but believe you +me, I'd rather be a private with a chicken on my knee than a kernel +with an eagle on my shoulder; and I'd rather have any shoulder on a +bar than a bar on my shoulder any time. + +Yours loving dough-boy, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I don't know why they call us dough boys, for thirty per aint +much "dough," is it angel face? + +[Illustration: "How wuz I to know you wuz agin the push button of his +bell."] + + + + +Same Camp. + +(Not on the map.) + +Dere Julie, + +Many thanks, my cherrie (that's French), fur the lovely cake you sent +me, but believe you me deary, I didn't get a smell of it. I got the +box about 6 p.m. opened it at 6;01, and at 6;011/2 our band played the +Star Spangled Banner and all us fellows had to stand at attention; +by the time they had finished, our company mascot, a billy goat +camouflaged with a bunch of whiskers and an unshaven glue factory +breath gobbled the whole blooming business. + +Speaken of eats, the Gov't certainly comes across with the gorging. +That is, there's plenty of it, but the "maynew" is not as long as a +search warrant. But O, my kingdom for a plate of ham and eggs. Ham is +scarcer here than at a Jew wedding feast, and as for eggs, there ain't +no sich thing in the world. I think that some of Bill of Berlin's +ginks in this country have been hanging up birth control "info" in +every hen house in the U.S. least ways sumpin has happened to corner +the market. + +Well, deary, far be it from me to say how long this war will last. I +got a scheme to end it, so I'm gonna spill it to you, and here she is; +Lock Theo. Roosevelt and his three sons in the same room with William +the Twicer and his seven sons; whichever cums out at the end of an +hour wins the war. You bet when this cums off I'll hold a ticket on +Theo. Well honey bunch, I had a lovely dream last eve, I dreamed that +you and me was holding down a park bench, with not a cop in sight. +I had just taken you in my arms, and touched your ruby lips, when I +suddently awoke to find the captain's pet sausage hound was licking my +nose. Some day there's gonna be a first class dog funeral in this camp +and that lop-eared canine is gonna ride in the head wagon. + +It's so cold down here that if a guy wanted a hair cut all he'd haft +to do would be to wet his hair, leave his hat off, and break off the +icicles, More Anon. + +Yours until Lillian Rustle retires, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I'd rather be a lamp post on Broadway, than a ten story building +down here. + +[Illustration: "The Captin's pet sausage hound wuz lickin' my face."] + + + + +In Camp C, W and H. + +(Meaning cold, wet and hungry.) + +Dere Star of My Heart, + +Big day for us; we got our new soldier scenery--a complete set from +kicks to skypieces. Did you ever see a feather bed with a string +tied around the middle, or a bale of hay with the middle hoop busted? +That's what my appollonnaris form looks like now draped in the togs +handed me by the "land of the free and the home of the brave." The +pants must have been cut out with a circular saw for a bow-legged +simp. I have to use a compass to find out which direction I'm going, +and believe you me when I caught sight of "yours truly" in a mirror I +looked like the end of a load of wood and just as handsome. + +These clothes remind me of the tailors sign on eur block, "A. +LEVINSKY, FIRST CLASS TAILOR. Wear a suit of our clothes and you will +have a fit." I am liable to have several fits before I get acquainted +with 'em. If I could rent out the extra room, I could buy "makins" +for a month. They call 'em fatigue uniforms, and believe you me they +called 'em right--one look at 'em makes you tired. The only things +that fit are the hat cord and collar ornaments. + +You know how it is with me Julie nothing ready made fits me but a +hanky. + +After studying the directions, I managed to make 'em hang on me. I was +so interested in 'em that on my way over to the barracks, I failed +to salute a major who passed; he grabbed me amid ships with one hand +and pointed to his shoulder with the other; my mind bein on clothing +scenery instead of salutin, I piped up, You got no kick comin, look +what they handed me. + +Me and Skinny Shaner got on the outside of about a 1/2 dozen pickled +pigs feet last night at the canteen and finished off with about a +quart of ice-cream apeace. Along about a hour or so afterwards during +the mixing process, I guess the pigs feet got cold in the ice cream +and commenced to kick. Skinny was doubled up so he looked like a horse +shoe bend on a scenic railroad. I suggested that we each take a dose +of Allen's Foot Ease, as I heard that helped sore feet, but Skinny +balked; he always was stubborn like that. Finally, we sent in a three +alarm for a doc. + +[Illustration: "You got no kick comin'--look what they handed me."] + +He asked us what we'd been eatin; we couldn't give up anything, +otherwise we'd have "give up" the pigs-feet, so the Doc. Allowed we +had the appende-come-and-get-me. That's about as near to the truth as +the Docs usually gets. If you're laying at death's door they generally +pull you thru. The Doc said "operation at once" but havin read Irve +Cobb's book about Operations I passed the buck to Skinny and we +both got better simultaneously to once. I don't jest "make" this +appendicitis but I have a suspicion that's its a disease that costs +about $500.00 more than the stummick ache; anyhow its sumpin you have +just before your Doc buys a new automobile. All the samee, we're off +pigs feet fur life. + +Yrs in Health + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I left my other shirt at the "chinks" to be laundered. Don't let +him sell it for charges before I get back. + + + + +Dere Julie, + +At last I am a officer; and it happened like this. To make my old +lady feel good, and knowin she didn't know much of the "parley-voo" +spoke in the army, I rote her that I had been made a Captain in the +Latrines; this A.M. i gets a "billy-doo" from her asking me, now that +I had got to be a high up officer, not to be too hard on the boys +under me, and to always remember that I was once a buck private in the +rear ranks. I hope the old lady don't think to look the word up in the +dictionary, or she might, as Laura Blue Jeans Libby says "be rudely +awakened." Eh What? + +An instructor today was wising us up on overseas service, and told +us the best way to rough house cooties; he didn't show us any of the +pets, but did show us the scratch proof dug-outs they had made on +his frame. From the way he described 'em and their habits, I imagine +they are the same species of "seam squirrels" that you get in a Coney +Island bathin suit. The first time you go to Mrs. Woolworth's store +please buy and send me a 1/2 dozen graters so I can rent 'em out to +the boys to scratch on. That's me. In time of piece prepare for war. + +I see by the papers that Uncle Sam says the Kings must be thrown out. +Believe you me, he must be some poker player to throw out 3 kings and +make a hand win. + +Skinny Shaner got in dutch today at drill. We had been drillin for a +hour or so, and the command was, Company forward march! Halt! This was +kept up continuously fur about a hour, and all to wunce Skinny trowed +down his gun and said he'd be d---- if he would be bossed by a guy +like that, he changed his mind to d---- often. Skinny is always like +that. Ever since he's been here, he's been braggin what a fine singer +he is; said his voice was trained for Grand Opera. He sang for us last +night, a song, entitled "God give us cheap ice, for Heaven's knows we +have cheap skates." Believe you me, his voice was trained for Grand +Rapids instead of Grand Opera. + +Yours until the William the Twicer gives that dinner in Paris, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I hope Skinny keeps well. He will if he don't try to sing again +tonite. + +[Illustration: his voice wuz trained fer Grand Rapids instead of Grand +Opera] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +They took away our maiden names yesterday, and give us numbers, +Skinny's is 31. Yesterday his old man arrived in camp to visit him. +Stepping blithely up to the top sarge he pipes up "I am the father of +thirty-one." "Well said the sarge, you ain't got much on me, I am the +father of eighteen myself." + +My number is 475. Today they marched us off to listen to a hour sermon +by a antiquated ol' bunch of spinnage, who at the end bawled out, No. +475. "Art thou weary, Art thou languid?" An now they give me 7 days in +the guard house because I yelled out that I certainly was. How was I +to know that the ol' billy goat was givin out the him to be sang. + +Im readin in the papers you sent me from home that Bill Ferguson has +enlisted, which fact leads your "uncle Dudley" to say that the war +certainly is nearin the end, for nobody ever knowed Bill to hold a job +more than 30 days at the longest. + +We got our first settin up exercises today. Believe you me, they are +more settin down than they are settin up. All the boobs have to lie +on there backs, put there laigs in the air, and move 'em like he wuz +ridin a bicycle. All to once Skinny Shaner stopped. The drill Sarge +stepped over and deemanded to know why he quit. "Im coastin" pipes +Skinny, "I always do a little coastin when I ride a wheel." Believe +you me if Skinny ever tries to ride all of them wheels in his head at +one and the same time, he have to do a considerable lot of coastin. +With love and mushes, + +BARNEY. + +P.S.--I hope this war lasts till I get over. I'll make that poll +parrot of a clown quince learn to say "UNCLE" in jig time. He won't +have as much chance as a tallow legged dog chase a cat thru H----. Now +that the Yanks have Come in fur fair, Kings, Queens and two spots is +gonna be throwed in the discard. + +[Illustration: "Coastin"] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +The Doc says that me and Skinny will recover, but we'll never look +the same. It wuz like this. Day behind yesterday we wuz out for bombin +practice, each one havin quite some supply of them hell on the Wabash +lookin things in our posesshun. Of course nothing wood do Skinny, but +that he must have a smoke. All to once, as you read in the papers, +their was a tree-mendus explosion and I went up what seamed to me +about a thousand feet. On the way down, I met Skinny going up, he +yelled out to me, "I'll bet you five bucks that I go higher than you +did." Skinny is some sport. + +Some of our training officers has seen active service in the front +line trenches. Yesterday was visiting day in camp; after drill, as +pretty a "Jane" as I have seen in this neck of woods asks one of 'em +did he croak a Fritz, while on the other side? "I sure did," sed he +"with this mighty rite hand." Whereupon, this "bunch of peeches" grabs +his hand and kisses it. Skinny 'lowed as how _he_ would have told her +he bit him to deth. That's Skinny, he's strong for the "Janes." Don't +peeve up Julie, a lot of 'em down here fall for me, but I let 'em +lay; exceptin for a few I've saw, you have 'em all lashed to the mast +howlin fur mercy. + +Seems to me like we don't do anything down here but walk. It's a +wonder to me that all of us don't walk in our sleep. I was telling +Skinny we should have joined the cavillry, but Skinny said no; He +'lowed as how if he ever had to retreat he didn't want to be bothered +with no horse. + +Yours truly and affectionately, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "I'll bet 5 bucks I go higher than you."] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Many thanks for the pink silk piejamas, with the red ribbon ties. +Skinny sez they are "a thing of beauty and a joy forever." It don't +take much to make Skinny poetical. When the Sarge got a lamp at 'em he +sed "they would move _anyone_ to poetry, if he didn't "do the Dutch" +first." + +I'm afraid the Pres. is not running this trainin biz rite. What's +the use of wisin up this big bunch of guys, when one company of cooks +could wipe out the Fritzies in twenty four hours, if they can get 'em +to eat some of the stuff they wish onto us. We have seventeen kinds of +meat everyday--hash. That's all rite. We can stand fur that, but when +they put raisins in it on Sunday and call it puddin, good nite, its +enough to make a feller bat 1000 in the booze league. + +Speakin of shufflin off reminds me that Skinny 'lows as how we ought +to make our wills before we hit the briny trail. The only WILL I'm +worried about Julie, is WILL I cum back? And that's no Bullsheveki, +fur you know derie when one of them tin fish strikes a transport, yer +jest as well let your voice fall. Say Julie, I'm not fur this country +down here a-tall. It has ticks; chiggers and nats all open fur biz +at one and the same time. You never had a tick on you did you Julie? +Well a dog with two sets of flees isn't any busier than said tick. +They ought to draft a lot of 'em into the engineers. They are the best +lil' trench diggers on earth. They always selects a place between your +shoulder blades where you can't reach 'em and dig in. The think-tank +of a tick is not large; but unless they have been shootin hop into +themselves, they can make a guy feel as small as a bar of soap after a +hard days washin. Yours till the kaiser's mustash droops, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Skinny sez this means "poor simp" but lissen, derie, fer you it +means pretty sweet. + +[Illustration: "Them ticks is the best lil' trench diggers in the +army."] + + + + +Friday the thirteenth. + +Dere Julie: + +A bugler is jest as popular round this camp in the a.m. as a roman +nose in Russia. If "yours truly" ever gets a large bunch of the mazuma +I'm gonna hire a bugler to blow the revelee every morning at 6 under +my window so I can tell him to go to H----. Skinny sed a Jane he asked +to marry him wunce told him to go to the same place; she didn't jest +zactly tell in them words, but sed to go ask her paw. Now Skinny +knowed her "old" man was dead, he also knowed what kind of a life +he'd lead, so Skinny was wise to what she ment when she piped "Ask +dad." If she'd told me that same I would have thought she was flashin +a spiel for Sweet Caps. Skinny says that's repartee, but I think +its RAP-artee. Speakin of Russia, I see by the papers that a new +revolution has busted out there. That God forsaken country reminds me +of a fly wheel on a automobeel--2000 revolutions per minute. + +I had a grate peece of luck this a.m. I had three portions of bacon +for breakfast which same happed on account of my bein seated between +a young Jewish feller on one side, and a Catholic feller on the other. +It bein Friday--nuff sed. Don't ever try to tell me again that Friday +the thirteenth is unlucky. + +If I was loose from the army, I could make a million dollars in the +umbrella business; its stopped pouring now, but comin in bucket fulls, +and we are looking fur orders from Washington any day to begin to +build a ark. + +Last nite after taps me and Skinny wuz arguin about who wuz to blame +for this war. Confidentially Julie, I think it was Theo. Roosevelt. Do +you remember Julie, about ten years ago when Theo. was on a trip round +the world, he called on Bill the Twicer and Bill got out his army and +peeraded them in Theo.'s honor? and Theo. not wantin to be lackin in +perliteness, slapped Bill on the back and sed, "Bill with an army like +that you can lick the world," Member him sayin that Julie? Well he +did, and Bill the Two-spot, was d---- fool enuff to fall fur Theo's +bunk. + +Yours 'till the Klown Quince sings the Star Spangled Banner. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "An' Bill The Twicer wuz fool enuff to fall fer Theo's +bunk"] + + + + +Camp Wadsworth. + +Dere Julie:-- + +Well, ol' girl, you can see by the heading of this that we have gone +south. The plentifullest things down here is "dinges", mules and mud, +and you very seldom see one without the other. You know Julie "Birds +of a fether gathers no moss"; sumpin like that anyhow; you know Julie +I was never much on problems. I see a big lazy dinge yesterday asleep +against a corner of the barracks when the bugle blowed the mess call; +he woke up in time to hear the last notes; stretching himself and +scratching his bed, he said: "Dar she blows, dinner time for white +folks, but just 12 o'clock for niggers." + +Well Julie, you can bet your Wrigleys and every hair on your bureau, +that what Sherman said about war is right; its easy to get in an' hard +to get out. Reminds me of the story my ol' man tells about when he +lived on a farm (You know Julie dere, I told you my old man was raised +on a farm in Brooklin, N.Y.U.S.A.). He stuck his bean into a yoke, to +teach a yearling calf to work double, and the way that calf started +to hot foot it to the other end of Long Island was some exhibition of +speed. He could have give the Empire State express a ten mile start +at Peekskill and beat it into Powkeepsy. He yanked my ol' man along +so fast that his feet only struck the ground every other mile. If the +calf had run around in a circle, my ol' man could have spit in his own +face. His coat tail stuck out so straight behind you could have played +a game of peaknuckle on it. Finally the o' man got hep that he wasn't +gonna be able to break the calf before the calf broke my ol' man's +neck so he yelled out, "here we come, dum our fool souls, somebody hed +us off." So Julie, see if somebody bobs up who is able and willin to +stop this little unpleasentness, let him go to it like a sick kitten +to a hot rock. + +Member Julie that song we all usto sing comin home on the boat after +a picnic at Staten Island of the Patrick Dooley East Side Outing +and Chowder Club? You know Julie--The chorus ends with Beans! Beans! +Beans! Say kid, that song would fit in this camp like a hungry tramp +at a chicken dinner. Every farmer in the good ol' U.S.A. must have +planted nothing but beans for the last two years. We have 'em boiled +fer breakfast, baked fer dinner, and in the soup for supper. Every +time the Chaplin (not Charlie) says grace, he always "Thanks the Lord +for these tokens of his grace," and Skinny got forty-ate hours in the +booby hatch fer askin me real loud like, so everybody could hear him +to "please put some of them tokens on his plate." + +[Illustration: "Dinner fer white folks, but jest 12 o'clock fer +niggers--"] + +But all the same Julie I'm glad I'm here. Of course I miss you; as the +poet sez "Your brite smile haunts me still." Never will I ferget what +a beautiful picture you made the Sunday before I left when I was rowin +you round the lake in Central Park. You was settin up in the bough of +the boat trailing your lily white hand in the water, and looking up +into my eyes you gurgled in a voiced choking with love, emotion and +beer, you said, "Wouldn't it be heavenly derie, if we could go floting +down life's stream in a boat like this forever and ever"--an' me +paying 25c. an hour for the boat. Of course you didn't think of that, +did you derie. + +Yours until Brooklyn wins another penant, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie: + +On land again, thank God! Comin across we skidded several times and +there were occasions when it looked like there wuzn't anything like +dry land in the whole world, yet we finally landed on terra cotta, +vice versi, or whatever Lattin fraze they use for solid ground. + +Believe you me, Julie, I luv a life on the ocean wave like a burlecue +soubrette luvs an alarm clock; that is I like it a lot, but not a +heluva lot. Fer four hours at a strech I leand over the side of the +ship; I wuzn't interested in the ocean or the study of fishes, only I +felt I had sumpin I must give up. Finally, after givin up everything, +even standin for some of Skinny's jokes, I managed to recover +sufficient to enjoy two meals before we got to the dock. Believe you +me, derie, you do not know how near you cum to havin to wear black, +and cashin in on my life insurance. Speaking of life insurance, +reminds me of Skinny's prayer when he turned in one night when it was +stormy. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, +If the ship should sink before I wake, Uncle Sam has made a $10,000 +mistake." + +And speaking of turning in brings up the subject of hammicks; show +me a guy who can ride one all nite without being turned out, and I'll +back him to ride the best tricky mule that P.T. Bamum ever trained. +About the only way to do, when the nite is ruff, and the ship is +rockin, is to sit down and wait until your hammick comes around, and +jump on it and choke it into insensibility. I made out to do this +better than the balance of the bunch, as I had had more practice, +owing to the fact I used to use this method after a nite with the +boys; when I got to my street I used to sit down on the curb, and wate +fur my house to come round; when it came I used to jump on it and hang +on. + +Believe you me Julie, that "A life on the ocean wave" may be all rite +as a song but its no noise fur a guy who was born and brung up in +Longacher square. + +Will rite you again as soon as I get my land legs. + +Yours until they build another statue to Von Hindenburg. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "I felt as if I had somethin I _must_ give up."] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Arrived in London O.K. and wet. London is worse than them that talk +about it. When we got unshipped at Liverpool it was rainin cats and +dogs, Skinny was worried over getting his new scenery wet, as he had +lost his rain coat, on the way over, so he spent all morning in the +rain trying to get a new one. Skinny was wetter than I was when I went +home after my nightie the nite you had me stay at your house because +it was stormin outside. He was so wet the water was runnin offen his +rist watch; Skinny wasn't worried about the rist watch as he said it +had been soaked many times before. + +Well derie, I am glad I enlisted; I am sertainly gettin some +experience in this little ol' scrap; and will have sumpin to relate +to them slackers when I get home to 'lil ol' New York. Skinny asked +me did I know what a slacker stood for. I told him I didn't know +everything but that most of 'em reminded me of a lemmen marine +pie--yellow all thru, and not enuff crust to go over the top. However +don't be too hard on 'em Julie, no person is perfect as Mose Jackson +said when he was convicted for the 10th time of harvestin other +peoples poultry. + +The worst thing I haft to lissen to is Skinny talkin about his first +wife. He says he used to sit and hold her hand fer hours; maybe he +did, and believe you me Julie from other things he said about her, I +believe if he'd ever let loose of her hand she would have killed him. + +With love, I am + +Yours until the Fritzies sing the Marcel Wave on Unter der Linden, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: He wuzn't worried. It had been "soaked" often--] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Well ol' dear (you see I've already picked up some London wheezes) a +week has flat-wheeled by since you've heard from 'lil brighteyes. Last +wensday Skinny and me got a pass to do the burg, and our pocket books +have been at half mast ever since. As we are billeted some distance +from Picadilly, we figgered to go downtown in a taxi, rite there our +trubbles begun. We asked the pilot of the tin Lizzie what the tax +would be and he comes back with, "2 and 6 thankee sir." Can you beat +it? Two dollars fer me and six fer Skinny. We hot footed it down and +saved that much. + +I didn't care much about ridin with him anyhow. I think he was a Jona; +anyway he was so cross eyed that if he'd aimed a gun at Berlin he +would have shot an eye out of Constantinopel. + +We wuz a little nervous account of not being wise to the customs, +but Skinny said if we kept our lids down over our ears nobody would +be wise as to what was going on inside our skulls. The first place +we went into was the Palm Tree Inn. All the barkeepers and waiters +was "Janes." Most of them wuz pretty good looking; one "Jane" in +particular was there with a front. Skinny got one lamp at her and +immediately forgot what he joined the army for. + +We wondered why it was called Palm Tree Inn cause there wasn't a palm +in sight, but when we showed the color of our coin, then everybody in +the joint showed us a palm. The people here move slowly, and believe +you me Julie a spider slower than a fifth avenoo handsome cab would +have a cinch spinnin a web around all of 'em. Skinny says most of 'em +has a long line of ancestors; but let me slip you the "info" derie, +that some of 'em must be sinkers on the end of the line. I wish that I +knowed as much as they think they do. + +Yours till someone counts all the flivvers, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Tomorrow night, Skinny wants me to go to the Opera with him. +I'm not goin--cause I always sleep better at home. I'd rather here a +soubrette dolled up in a costume that would barely pass the bord of +sensers sing a song like "Mother don't bother with the rolls, father's +coming with a bun." + +[Illustration: Skinny got one lamp at her, and immediately forgot what +he joined the army for] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +These cockney birds sure chirp some language. Believe you me, a guy +had orto carry an interpreter around with him. Me and Skinny went +out to a swell English camp today to take a peep at English trainin +methods; outside we sees a tipical Tommy Atkins settin down fixin +sumpin wrong with his kicks; as we heaved along side of him, he yells +out to us, "I say, ol' top, have ye any lices?" Skinny, thinkin he +ment did we have seam squirrels commenced to bawl him out in jig time, +telling him there was no such things in the good ol' U.S.A. when he +came back with, "Oh, I say ol' top, I didn't mean the lousy lices, +I meant shoe lices." What they say over here about these cooties +wouldn't look well in print, and makes me think they are harder to get +rid of than a flivver. + +If there's one thing in life that Skinny loves its sumpin good to eat. +Honestly, Julie, I believe he thinks of eating when he's asleep. We +goes into a feedin place yesterday in White Chapel to satisfy what +the poets call, an inner longing. I was so hungry my stomak tho't my +throat was cut, Skinny slips the female "biscuit shooter" a tip and +sez, "Now suggest a good dinner for me;" and she whispered in his +listener "Go to some other restaurant." Serves Skinny right about +losing the tip for he's such a tight wad that when the company sings +"Old Hundred" at chapel Skinny sings the "Ninety and Nine" just to +save a cent. Honest Julie, I don't believe he would give two bits +to see the statue of Liberty do the hoo-chama-cooch. Speaking of +the hoochy-koochy reminds me that we saw the Ol' Curiosity shop that +Charlie Dickens wrote about, and desiring to become acquainted with +how much Skinny knowed about books, plays, and etcetery, I asked +him did he ever see Oliver Twist? He says "no but I've seen Fatima +wiggle." He would miss a point if he sat down on a tack, and it would +take a vaccum cleaner to sweep the cob-webs from his noodle; someday +I'm gonna hang a peece of crape on his nose, for I think his brain is +dead. + +That's why I think he always has a cold in his head, as you know Julie +that disease always strikes in the weakest spot. + +Yours until one of the Kaiser's sons is wounded, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Keep offen indoor sports, fur none of 'em has got sense enuff to +know when to go home. + +[Illustration: Skinny wouldn't giv 25 cts. to see the Statue of +Liberty do th' hoo-cha-ma-coochy] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +We have caught up with the Spanish influenzy--not influence! as there +ain't no sich thing in the world as Spanish influence. The disease is +not confined to Spanish people. It hit Skinny and he speaks Spanish +with an Irish accent, and has never been nearer Madrid than a Spanish +omelet made in Hoboken. + +You're nose gets as red as a rear light on an automobile or the beak +of a Park Row panhandler. Your knees knock together like a man who +sees a collector for an installment house. The only things it don't +attack is your corns. They should rename it mucilage flu because it +certainly is a sticker; you have as much pep as an Ingersol watch with +the main spring on a two weeks vacation; but cheer up derie, there +ain't goin to be any job fer any undertaker. No foreman fur a funeral +is gonna say "All those desirin to kiss the corpse, will please pass +up this aisle and go down the other." Not for a while I hope; which +reminds me of that time you and me went to the revival meetin in +Carnarsie. Remember that Julie? You know the time the undertaker put +a century note in the plate, and the ol' sky pilot not knowing who it +wuz prayed that "the business of the giver would increase an hundred +fold." + +Skinny went into store today to buy a birthday present for his "Jane" +in the U.S. Steppin blithely up to a fresh sales girl he said "I +wanna get something for a gift to a lady." "Your wife sir?" sed she. +Skinny thought it would be safer to pose as a married man, so he said +"Yes'm." "Bargain counter to the right, sir," and she went on wrasslin +with her Wrigleys; she was so busy with it, she wasted no more time +than a blue gum coon passing a grave yard at midnight, with no rabbits +foot in his pocket. The sales ladies in this emporium are always in +high speed, with the throttle wide open when it comes to chatter; at +another counter I asked the young lady to show me the thinnest thing +in underwear. Flashing a 40 below zero look she lisped, "I'm very +sorry sir, but she's just gone out to lunch." + +Yours until the Eskimos wear Palm Beach suits, + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: "Somethin fer my wife" says he. "Bargain counter next +isle" says she] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +We drilled today for the first time since we landed in this land of +smoke and fog. I'd enjoy these drills, in fact so would all the boys, +if it wasn't fer Skinny. The only one that's in step is him. He knows +as much of the commands as a Bowery Bum knows about publishing a +Chinese newspaper. + +Today we saw a German prisoner for the first time. He looked nearly +human. Written on his belt was "Gott mit Uns," an English soldier who +saw it said, "But I say Ol top _We have the Americans with us_." So +you see they're wise to us already. + +Believe you me derie, if this war lasts six months longer, Gen. +Pershing and his boys will make German the court language in the lower +regions. + +Skinny spent last night in the guard house. In trying to get back in +camp after taps he runs plum into a sentry who said "Halt, who goes +there?" and Skinny told him "Oh never mind, I only have been here +a week and you wouldn't know me ennyhow." He told me today that he +didn't wanna be a kernel as there wuzn't much chance fer advancement. +I think I told you Julie in one of my letters how stingy this bird +Skinny is. Last week we got a three day ferlow and beat it up to the +big burg to see the sites. Goin into one of the big hotels, I said to +the clerk "What are your rates?" "Five shillings up to 10," he said. +Skinny called me to one side an' whispered "Ask him how much it will +be up to half-past eight." + +Well, derie, we hear we're soon goin on to France, and then +fare-thee-well loafin. We be busier than a paralized man with the +cooties. The only thing that's lible to bother me is the language. I +don't know whether I can speak it or not, I never tried it. + +Yours until they have ham at a Jewish wedding, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Skinny and me has at last burgled our way into society. You know +derie, that what I know about the highbrow stuff would fill a book, +and what Skinny don't know would fill a library. + +Believe you me derie, you needn't get jelous for I would just as +soon get chummy with a flivver as I would with this bunch of "Janes" +who put us on exhibition, for that was exactly what we wuz in their +eyes--freeks on exhibition. + +It happened like this: Lady Blue Jeans Shoddy or some name like that +was givin an afternoon funkshun (I'm quotin from the invite so I can' +tell you what it means derie) fer charity and a lot of our company was +invited to come, admission free--tickets fifty cents. Anyhow it was +a lecture by Lord Somebody for the benefit of Lord knows what; the +nearest I could make out it was a spiel on "Do married men make the +best husbands." I'd like to tell you how I enjoyed the talk--but I +don't use that kind of language; anyhow I'll lay a small peece of +change that this bird knew less about what he was trying to talk about +than you could drive into a turkey gobbler with a peggin' awl. I give +in tho, that he was a brave cuss; anybody who stood up and shot "bull" +like he did for two solid hours, must have been brave. Everytime I +looked at him I thought of that ol saw "Faint heart never kissed the +chamber maid." When he finished everyone in the audience was "out" +exceptin an ol maid who was trying to send him a love message by eye +wireless. + +After his batteries went dead on him we was invited to eat. It wuz the +first time I ever eat out in company with Skinny, and believe you me, +Julie, it'll be the last time while I am conscious. I'm not going to +try to tell you of all his breeches of etiket 'twould take too long, +but he pulled one that was a beaut. He kept mixing honey with his +peas; I kep kicking him under the table, and finally I got a chanct to +whisper "What in h---- was he doin that for?" He whispers back "How am +I gonna make 'em stay on my knife if I dont mix 'em with sumpin." + +Yours until country bording houses quit using canned vegtabils. + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie:-- + +When the Kaiser is canned and I get back to the ol' job, eatin my 3 a +day, and holdin your hand in the movies at nite, I'm gonna try fer the +vaudeville. We have formed a quartet in our company, and we must be +pretty good fer up to the present nobody has fired anything at us but +remarks. Skinny tried to git in by telling us his voice was trained; +the top sarge sed he guessed it was trained all-rite, all-rite, +but he must of trained it selling strawberries. We have a little +Yiddish feller in it too, You know, Julie, the one who slips me his +bacon every mornin; when he ain't soldierin, he runs a little gents +furnishin store on 8th Avenoo; he's some warbler too, but persists in +allus wantin to sing "Keep the home fires Burnin." Well Julie, if he +has ten thou. insurance on that joint of his, as he sez he has, no +wonder he wants to "keep the home fires burnin." He's all business +this little Jewish guy. Skinny sez if he was shiprecked on a deserted +eyeland he would get up the next morning and try to sell a map of the +eyeland to the natives. He's a good business feller too. He rote a +song once, fer a big vaudeville actor, and the actor wrote Izzy to +send it along and if it was good he would send a check. Izzy wired +back to send the check, if it was good, he'd send the song. + +Well Julie, I'd like to see your little blonde bean just about now. +Believe you me, Julie, me for the blondes every time. Skinny says that +brunettes is the most popular; well maybe he's right; ennyhow his girl +has been both, so I suppose he knows. I don't know whether you ever +saw this "dame" of Skinny's or not Julie. She lives on the upper east +side of New York and ways about 275 plus in her bathin suit; believe +you me, she ought to marry a traffic cop as he's the only guy I know +of that can handle a crowd. I'll bet 10 cents against Bryan's chance +of being Pres. Skinny can wear one of her stockins for a sweater. If +she ever wore a striped waist she'd look like the awning over a greek +candy store, she never knows when she needs a shine, fer, like Bill +the Twospot, she can't see de feat. + +Believe you me, angel face she looks like a model fer a tent. + +When Her and Skinny walks along Broadway the newsies yell, "Hully +Gee! Here goes the claronet and the bass drum, where's the rest of the +band?" I'm tellin Skinny I can't see anything attractive about her, +and he says "I know you can't see anything but she's got it in the +bank all-rite, all-rite." + +Speaking about this William Jennins Bryan, I'm readin in the papers +about a bull chasin him half way across a field. Imagine Julie, a bull +doin that to Theo. Rusevelt, it wouldn't go ten feet before Theo would +turn round, grab it by the tale and throw it. When it comes to throwin +the bull Theo. has any Spainnard or Mex lashed to the mast howling for +mercy. + +Yours until Eva Tanguay quits singin "I don't care." + +BARNEY. + +P.S. Tell your ol' man not to lose any sleep over the four bits I owe +him on that last peaknuckle game, for if anything happens to me here +you can give it to him out of the l.i. policy. + + + + +NOWHERE IN FRANCE. + +Dere Julie: + +At last we are in the land made famous by Joan of Ark, and notorious +by N. Bonaparty. The little burg we are billeted in is about as big as +a pound of choclates after a Yale-Harvard football game. It's so small +you can stand on the corner of Rue de Main and spit into the country. +It looks like the ornament on a birthday cake or a picture post office +card. + +We have been hear about 1 week, and would have written sooner but for +the second time in the life of yours truly, I am recovering from "Mal +dee Mear" (the name is bad enuff, but the disease is worse) Third +Class passengers call it sea-sickness, but if you have a first class +cabin, you are supposed to call it mal dee mear. + +They say its only about 30 miles from Dover to Callay; maybe it is on +a calm day, but believe you me derie, we went up the hills of water to +the tune of about a hundred miles. It was all-rite goin up, but Julie +goin down is when everything "comes up." That's if you have anything +left to come up. + +[Illustration: "I don't know what to call you," sez he, "Call me an +ambulance," says I.--] + +The game we played comin over would have been a good trainin fer a +prize fiter. We tumbled round so we looked like we was shadow boxin. +"Snappy brand of weather" pipes one of these sailor guys. He was rite, +I never remember givin a better imitation of a whip snapper; and the +wind, Julie dere, the wind which spends its time round the Flatiron +and Woolworth Buildings, are as the poets say "gentle zephers" to that +which sweeps across the English channel when a man sized storm is on; +it listens like a cross between the moan of a dyin giastacutus and a +subway express behind time under the East River. + +I never before was so glad to set my foot on dri land. I was so +tickled I could have kisst the ground if it had been Hoboken, N. +J.U.S.A. Next time they send me to Vive la France, I hope they send me +by parcels post or airoplane. I bumped into the Captain; he said, "I +dunno what to call you," I told him he could call me an ambulance or +a taxi, anything to get to land with. We have been on water so much +since we swore our way into the army, that I don't know whether I'm in +the army or navy. Tomorrow me and Skinny is gonna get a pass to look +over Paree. We're lookin forward to a big time with what Skinny calls +"Ze gay chansonettes." I don't know whether he means a disease or a +dance, as I don't make this parley-voo much, but I'm gonna find out +before we come back. + +With love I am yours until my wrist watch goes 24 hrs without takin a +recess, + +BARNEY. + +P.S. How about my other shirt, did you get it from the Chinks? + + + + +Nowhere in France the morning after a night in Paris. + +Dere Julie: + +So this is Paris. Believe you me, Julie, I don't see why they wanna +keep Wilhelm the Twicer away from this burg; give him 48 hrs. in +Paree like the once around the clock we had here and it would be +fare-thee-well Wilhelm. There would be nothin left to say but "don't +he look natural." + +Speaking of funerals, Julie reminds me that was the first thing we met +up with when we arrove in Paree! Flowers, paul-bearers, an everything. +Skinny lowed as how it must be some high and mitey who had joined his +4 fathers, and asked a Frenchy standing on the curb of the "bull-yard" +who the big guy wuz? Shrugging his shoulders, he pipes up with sumpin +which sounded like "Monsewer Jennyseepah." Well, we didn't ever here +of the poor boob, so we went over onto the next Rue (make that Julie. +I'm getting along fine), and we runs slap bang! into a other funeral +more elegant than the first; and Skinny not wantin to let anything get +by him, again asked the name of the guy ridin in the head waggin and +he got the same answer "Monsewer Jennyseepah." "Yer a liar," yelled +Skinny, "we just saw _his_ funeral on the other street." Well, Julie, +I don't blame Skinny, I was a little sore myself on the way this guy +tried to string us. + +[Illustration: Me an' Skinny seen the toom of Napoleon the Wunst.] + +We got along seem the sights without much trouble; the toom of +Napoleon the Wunst, the bridge over the Sane, the 4th of July colum +and Champ de Lizzie; feelin hungry we drifted into a swell lookin +feedin place with good lookin she waiters. Now don't be nervous Julie, +there ain't nothin gonna happen with me and them Jane's; for believe +you me star of my heart, I don't _care_ what anybody says to me, but +you can bet every dollar that Hetty Green ever gave to charity, that +when I do marry, I'm gonna get a dame who bawls me out in language +that I understand. Well, luckily we struck a she waiter who spoke +a little American; to put it as she said "I speek a leetle of what +Monsewer calls ze Anglaise." The first thing we ordered was soop. The +Jane brought it in a bowl and had her thum jabbed into it, when Skinny +pointed to her thum in the soop, she grinned and sed "Zats all rite, +Monsewer, it is not hot." We got along very well (considerin that +Skinny kept her mind offen her business by trying to send her a eye +wireless) and got down to the desert. You know me Julie, Me for the +good old fashioned pies like my ol' lady makes. Gettin a lamp at what +looked like a juicy huckleberry pie, I pointed to it and said in my +company tone of voice "Please give me a big dose of that huckleberry +pie." Puttin on her prettiest smile and rollin her eyes, and arching +her shoulders she cum back with "if Monsewer will pleese brush off ze +flies, he will find it is custard pie--NOT ze huckleberry." + +Its a good thing we are leaving to-morrow to go toward the front for +if we staid round her long the moral of our regiment would stand at +about zero minus 5. + +Yours until they chase the Kaiser to Holland with the balance of the +windmills. + +BARNEY. + + + + +On the Hike Nowhere in France. + +Dere Julie: + +There shure is a bunch of widows over here, Both grass and sod. I say +little brighteyes, do you think it possible fer a guy to get hay fever +from a grass widow? Ennyhow Skinny got some kind uv fever when he was +chummin round with these female comfort kits, and if they don't lose +his trail, I can see visions of a certain (what the dickens is that +French word for fat--oh yes, embumpoint), lady in Hoboken, N.J.U.S.A., +lookin fer a new affinity. In other words, unless the signs is +misleading, Skinny is gonna lose his liberty by gettin married, and +its the opinion of your "'Lil Brighteyes" that the speech of P. Henry +of Va. on "Give me Liberty or give me deth" was made, more because he +was married than because he was patriotic; and all the married men, +I'm told Julie, are chirpin the same wheeze. Of course with you derie, +its different. I don't believe you would accuse a feller of keepin +another woman when his pay envelope is a nickle shy on Sat. night. + +Skinny and me had a date with the Pudding Sisters at the canteen last +nite, and believe you me, they was some babies, and was well worth the +money we spent on 'em. + +Some people we met today from Belgium say that when the Fritzies get +soused, they hug and kiss every woman they meet. What a fat chance for +that sweet maiden of fifty years who grabbed me off at the station, +the day I left for camp. You can bet your Wrigleys that after a +regiment passed her she would make a detour and catch up with the head +of it again. + +Yours until Eyetalian restaurants serve real wine. + +BARNEY. + +P.S. After readin this letter over I tho't I'd better wise you up on +that date me and Skinny had with the pudding sisters at the canteen +last nite. Women are so suspicious you know. I ment we went down to +the canteen to get some puddin, rice and tapioca. + +"B." + +[Illustration: She would run and ketch up with the hed of the +perseshun] + + + + +Dere Julie: + +Your last lovin letter was rec'd by your little bright eyes in a +quaint old burg in viva la France, just back of where the Yanks are +making soup strainers of William the Twicer's boobs by punchin them +in the kitchen with that "wooden sword of America." You know Julie, +that story that the Emp has been jabbing them in the arm with about +"America couldn't fite if she would, and wouldn't if she could," +and tellin em also about Germany's "submarines sinking all the Yanks +transports etcery etcery." If Bill keeps this up very long they will +nickname him Barnum. + +Speaking of William the Twospot, reminds me of what one of our boys, +which was taken prisoner and escaped, wuz telling about what the Emp +said when he saw so many of our boys on the front at Chato Theiry; +sendin fer some of his generals he deemanded they tell him what boat +brung all them Yanks over. One of 'em piped up and sed "I think, yer +Majesty it was the Lusitania." Being German, it went over his bed like +a air ship. + +The way things are goin now, it looks as if William the Twicer is +gonna have a great future behind him: Skinny sez the Klown Quince and +his army reminds him very much of his (Skinny's) brother who went out +west and made twenty Indians run--but the Indians couldn't ketch him. +Believe you me derie, the Boches are running faster than the color +in a 19 ct. pair of stockins. They are hot footin it faster than the +train that I left for camp on pulled out of Grand Central Station; and +that pulled out so fast that when I tried to kiss you from the window +when she started, I kissed a cow ten miles away. + +Well Julie dere, I miss you much believe you me. I'd rather see you +just about now than a messenger with the news that piece has been +sined; of course there's a lot of nice girls hear amung the Red X +Nurses and Y workers, but there's so many officers and gold braids +round that fellers like us dont get any more show than a dollar at a +church fair. + +[Illustration: Speakin' of William the Two-spot] + +We're up now to where we can hear the noise of the big 75's as they +pound the Boches from their trenches and have gotten so used to it +that we can't sleep without it. Every once in a while we see the +ambulances comin in, and a lot of the boys have to be watched to +keep em from trying to beat it back into the trenches again. We heard +yesterday Julie, about a detachment who went over the top and the +commanding officer told em not to go beyond a certain objective during +the first half hour; when the half hour was up they wuz a half mile +beyond the objective. When the major of the battalion bawled out the +company commander, he yelled back at him "H---- if the Crown Prince's +men couldn't stop 'em what chance had I to stop 'em?" That's whats +winning this hi' ol' scrap Julie--we hit em first and apologise +afterward. + +Some of our boys was sayin to-day that they thought the war would soon +be over, and when I ast Skinny about it, he allowed as how that meant +fer single guys only; that the war would go on fer married men just +the same. Corporal Louie Heinlein sez that song "Here cums the +bride is the greatest battle song of all" and Louie has had a lot of +experience with "Janes." But with you and me Julie dere, that will be +sumpin else again. + +Yours till people keep their New Year's resolutions until Valentines +day, + +BARNEY. + + + + +Dere Julie, + +At last I have smelt the smoke of battel, and fer the third time since +I joined the colors you don't know how near you've been to cashing +that 10 thou. insurance policy. You would have cashed it fer sure this +time, if it hadn't been fer a despised cooty; never again will yours +truly be hard on 'em. + +I have one that I'm gonna retire on a penshun. It wuz like this. +Our regiment wuz called upon to go into the front line trenches and +while I was peepin over the top, one of them pesky "seam squirrels" +commenced bitin the back of my neck. I bent my head for'd to reach +over on the back of my neck to pick him off, at one and the same time +a sniper cut loose at me from a big tree just outside the line of +Fritzies trenches; had my head been where it was before I started to +get the cooty, it would have been fare-thee-well Barney, so I just +put Mr. Lifesaver back, and, as before stated, I'm gonna put him on a +penshun. + +Believe you me derie, the way our boys made that sniper climb down out +of that tree would make Tarzan of the apes have a hemorage, and turn +green with envy; he shinned down that landscape decorashun like as if +it was greased. + +Well derie, when we first swore our way into the army, I thought +Skinny was a coward; I figgered if he ever got in a regular scrap +with Bill the Twicers hired patriots his knees would knock together +like a pair of castnets played by a Spanish bull fiter; but I take it +all back, Skinny in battel is a whole team and a cross dog under the +waggin. It came about like this. We was bein bumbarded by the Fritzies +in the most approved style and believe you me derie, the shells and +shrapnels was flyin round and over our heads thicker than hungry bums +around a free lunch counter; all to once Skinny commenced to get a bad +case of the hecups. I didn't say anything to him as I was busy with a +little party of my own when all to once he yells to me, "Say Barney, +fer Heavens sake do somethin to scare me so I can get rid of these +d---- hecups." So you see Julie dere, you never can tell by the looks +of a frog how fer it can jump. + +This lil' old scrap has brung out a lot of cases like Skinny's; +fellers in civil life that you think wouldn't have the sand to get +manicured, or ther hair cut without takin cloroform, are puttin +themselves on the map faster than towns on newly opened Government +land. Even the married men in our regiment are gettin so "Spiffy" that +I believe they'll have sand enough to talk back to friend wif when +they get back home. + +Yours until they make bottles without false bottoms. + +BARNEY. + +[Illustration: He cum down that tree quicker than Tarzan uv the Apes] + + + + +Dere Julie, + +Well Julie, a courier has just horned his way into camp with the +"info" that this lil ol' scrap is over, and I've lost an other chance +to be a hero; but I'm not gonna go round making a noise like a dill +pickel, just because I didn't get no show to give the Fritzies a upper +cut. I'd rather be a live simp Julie, than a dead hero, any day. + +Its better for me ennyhow, to say "there he goes, than here he lies." +Believe you me derie, I've saw enuff of the damage these Boch pills +can do, to know that a boob who tries to stop one of 'em with his +frame, has no more chance than a 10 cent piece of ice when the +thermometer is 99 plus in the shade, or a scuttle of suds in a Bowery +gin mill. + +Well Ol' dear, she's over, and I didn't get a chance to croak a single +Fritzie. My ol' man had better luck in the civil war. He was out one +hot nite with a foraging party and they run into a confed ambuscade, +a big fat Johnny Reb took after my old man and the chase was nip and +tuck fer about 2 miles. Just when the ol' gent had give himself as +lost, he saw over his shoulder the confed fall down in a heap and die +from being overheated. But at last Julie dere, we have made the world +safe fer the Democrats, so you can kill the cow's young son fer little +bright eyes as they did fer that young high roller mentioned in the +Bible. If veal is top high in the good ol' U.S.A., I'll be satisfied +with a table-dee-hoty dinner at the Cafe Des Enfants (meaning Child's +Restaurant), I'm not particular Julie, so long as every course is +served with your smilin face opposite. The more I see of the "Janes" +over here the better I like the Julies over there. I've saw 'em all +and not a one can hold a tallow candle up a dark alley to my own +Julie. In the language of the poet + + You can talk of English women + Who like there beef and beer; + Of Italy's black haired beauties + Who love there land so dere; + Of Spanish turtle doves + Who sing of wealth and love; + But give me the U.S. Girl + She wins my esteem + Fer everytime you kiss her + You get the flavor of--Boston Pork & Beans! + +[Illustration: Home again, across the ol' Atlantic.] + +Skinny has just arrove back in camp from the trenches and got the news +about the sining of the armistice. He was caked with mud from hed to +foot, which he said he didn't mind till our captin complimented him on +holdin all the ground they took yesterday. I guess Skinny thot he was +bein kidded. I made him pull off his clothes in jig time fer if he'd +ever get caught out in the rain like that he would have suffered a +landslide. + +Well derie, I don't suppose an other letter will reach you before +"Yours truly" so I can't say if I will rite again or not; enny-ways on +our way back across the ol' Atlantic we wont have to look out fer any +of William the Twicers tin fish, and when I get back to the land of +the free and the home of the brave, I'm gonna be afraid to get on a +ferry boat fer fear she might head across the ocean. And now Julie, +fare-thee-well until I hold you in my arms again, + +Yours until married men have alibyes there wives believe + +BARNEY. + +P.S. I've just learned our regiment is to leave for home at once, so +plug the push button on that guys bell in the hallway. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie, by Barney Stone + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE *** + +***** This file should be named 15544.txt or 15544.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/4/15544/ + +Produced by Michelle Croyle, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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