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diff --git a/15330.txt b/15330.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b10fd9f --- /dev/null +++ b/15330.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1953 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May +9, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 11, 2005 [eBook #15330] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15330-h.htm or 15330-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h/15330-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 152 + +MAY 9, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all the Royal +Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The original plan of +protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving the Front further West has +been definitely abandoned. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_ informs us that the late BISSING was a +"veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is wondering who started this +scandal. + + *** + +"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the Mercantile +Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the official figures that +the Press has been clamouring for, the bread tickets will come none +too soon. + + *** + +Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by hand on +a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients appear to +take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even been understood to +suggest that it seems rather a waste of milk. + + *** + +The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates responsibility +for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch village of Zierikzee, +on the ground that, notwithstanding repeated warnings to abandon the +unneutral practice, the village persisted in looking like a portion of +the Isle of Wight. + + *** + +Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. Our own +military authorities, on the other hand, declare that it would be +unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive genius of the +young soldier has so much scope. + + *** + +Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their +wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity behind +their dadoes. + + *** + +To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre tickets +several lifelong supporters of the British drama have already +requested leading managers to take their names off the free list. + + *** + +We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that for +two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to catch a +certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in securing it. We +understand that the trout died with a smile on his face. + + *** + +We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America seems to +be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York the other day only +three of the spectators were injured. + + *** + +At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated that he +was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as cashier and +costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean and made himself +generally useful." It is just as well that they added the last item, +or people might have thought he was one of those slackers we hear to +much about. + + *** + +News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising his position +and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE. +It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE will +abdicate. + + *** + +Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week for pearls. +It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the +belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved +in champagne are beneficial to the complexion. + + *** + +"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," writes +a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We appreciate this +generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that +the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines. + + *** + +M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, has just +been married. The bride has promised to obey him. + + *** + +It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare +peace on America. + + *** + +Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is +as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to state whether +these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children. + + *** + +Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' Association, +and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr. +CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than +two novels per week. + + *** + +We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept +"substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a London _cafe_, +asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never +kept it, remarked, "Very well. Bring me a pork pie." + + *** + +Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field +Force. No request was forwarded for flies. + + *** + +Dealing with IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a +halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a "medley of weird psychopathy +and symbolism." Just as if he were writing for a penny paper. + + *** + +A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for +"masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are now +getting very nervous on sighting a policeman. + + *** + +Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new +regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in the past +have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor +cars will be hard hit. + + *** + +Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club +Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE +TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT FEET."] + + * * * * * + +STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT. + + O not because my taste for bread + Tended to make me much too stout, + And all the leading doctors said + I should be better far without; + Not that my health may be more rude, + More svelte my rounded style of beauty, + I sacrifice this staple food-- + But from a sense of duty! + + I "can no other" when I think + Of how the Hun, docile and meek, + Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink, + And only strikes, say, once a week; + If he for all these months has stood + The sorry fare they feed the brute on, + I hope that I can be as good + A patriot as your Teuton. + + Henceforth I spurn the dear delight + That went so well with jam or cheese; + No turn of mine shall wear the white + Flour of a shameless life of ease; + Others may pass one loaf in three, + Some rather more than that, and some less, + But I--the only course for me-- + Go absolutely crumbless. + + So, when I quit this mortal strife, + Men on my grave these lines shall score:-- + "Much as he loved the Staff of Life + He loved his country even more; + He needed no compelling ban; + England, in fact, had but to ask it, + And he surrendered, like a man, + The claims of his bread-basket." + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +DIPLOMATIC NOTES. + +The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to advices +from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though curiously enough a +strange cloud of silence hangs over recent (and coming) events in +Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to construct a fleet, despite the fact +that the absence of a seaboard is being made a reason for sinister +opposition in pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her +soldiers, but her gun is still under repair. + +Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to over-estimate the +value of this new adhesion to the Allied cause. The standing army is +well over six hundred strong, and there is a small but modern fleet, +consisting of two revenue cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes +(mounted with two pairs of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee +class). The President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate, +declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in vain." +Senora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast the only vote against +war. "I cannot," she sobbed. + +Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a +mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a +counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is feared. +Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be felt. Here, +owing to the new regime of blubber-cards, Eskimo opinion is in a +very nervous state. Indeed, according to an inspired semi-official +utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it +is not too much to say that almost anything may, or may not, happen in +this Arctic quarter. + +The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced in all +public places, and even whispering is forbidden at street corners. +More than two-thirds of the population are spies. Relatives are +only allowed to speak to each other if granted a special licence +or talking-ticket by the Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special +dispensation for mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty +goats on Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is +blowing; whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels +were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious dredging +operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a Berne correspondent. +The future is big with presage. + +All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which still stand +aside from the maelstroem of war. The position in Ethiopia is, to say +the least of it, tendentious, and at any moment the natives may change +their skin. The coronation of the new Empress of Abyssinia is being +followed as usual by the great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which +an important pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover +(from a private source in Trondhjem, _via_ Mecca and Amsterdam), that +Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch pro-Ally, is expected +to speak with no uncertain voice. Unfortunately serious liquorice +riots have broken out in the capital, and these are being cunningly +used by German agents to turn popular discontent against the Allies. +Fraeulein von Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin +Envoy, is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of +"Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable +correspondent of _The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer_ telegraphs +(_via_ Tomsk) that she only escaped lynching by distributing her +treasure to the mob. + +In a similar way economic issues are determining the attitude +of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The new Food +Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the situation, and the yak +ration has again been reduced. It behoves British diplomacy to see +that the ensuing discontent is not turned into Germanophil currents. +Where is our Foreign Office? What is being done? We are in the third +year of the War and yet, while the German Minister is distributing +free arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be +nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the Thibetan +field-strength only last week, and that the Government dinghy is +already watertight. + +_Later_. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of Stark +Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per cent. The +new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting unit. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of Paintings, +Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief British artists of +the day and of earlier schools, which is being organised, by licence +of the Board of Trade, in aid of the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded +Soldiers and Sailors. These works of art (including many by Mr. +Punch's artists) will be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held +this week at the Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause. +After May 10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for +the Lottery (5s.) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton Parkes, The +Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W. The drawing of the +Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th at St. Dunstan's Hostel, +Regent's Park. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of "Lamp Day," +which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May 11th, and in +the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. The +proceeds are to be divided between the Women's Service Bureau, which +registers and trains women for national employment, and the Scottish +Women's Hospitals, whose London units are doing gallant work with the +Serbian division of the Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a +cause that would have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp," +devoted pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field. +Those who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a +little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY, 16, +Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be crossed +"London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria Branch." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DONNERWETTER. + +HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER FOR ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lidy_ (_referring to Court Rival_). "I WON'T 'ARF GIVE +'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER--LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST +MY DOOR SUCKIN' _SUGAR_--LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."] + + * * * * * + +TOLD TO THE MARINES. + + This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells + O' 'Is Majesty's Marine + Told in the mess 'bout seven bells-- + 'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot; + An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's not, + But it easily might 'ave been. + + "'Twas in the fust few months o' the War, + An' the vessel wot I was on + Was layin' a couple of cables from shore; + I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat + To get some thread for the skipper's coat + Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone. + + "I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide, + And feeling a trifle queer, + When somethin' grated agin the side; + I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead; + 'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said, + 'It must 'ave bin all that beer.' + + "When suddenly close on my starboard beam, + With scarcely a foot between + (I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream), + Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake + Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake + Of a big 'Un submarine. + + "An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark, + Like shootin' a sittin' 'en, + For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark + With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear-- + Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near, + If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then. + + "I saw 'is cruel little eye + A-swivellin' stem to starn; + 'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,' + So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit + And lashed it fast in place with a bit, + Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn. + + "'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone, + Which wos all that the blighter could do, + An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone; + I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck, + An' I told 'im the truth in every respec' + The same as I'm tellin' you. + + "Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down + Till I felt my cheeks go warm, + For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown; + Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap; + 'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap? + Do you call that uniform?.' + + "An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea, + Which is wot she 'as always bin, + You may do your dooty as well as me, + But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same + Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game, + Which is Service Discipline." + + * * * * * + +OUR POLYGAMISTS. + +"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."--_Provincial +Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST. + +POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR +EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.] + + * * * * * + +DOCKING THE DRAMA. + +It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting +the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose +drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments. +Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain +further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed +upon the programmes:-- + +(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half +hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose +it is enacted that-- + +(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of +the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars +as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly +printed upon the programmes. + +(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the +stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided +always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an +actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival). + +(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly +suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose. + +(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one +illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed +three-and-a-half minutes in delivery. + +In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the +following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of +the Defence of the Realm Act:-- + +DRAMA.--The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as +follows:-- + +During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a +reasonable period not to exceed one minute. + +For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes; +supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same. + +Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam, +two-and-a-half minutes. + +FARCE AND COMEDY.--It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no +allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned. + +MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.--Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be +accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore +verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a +recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office. +Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.) + +Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two +full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power, +thus combining realism with economy. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERIES OF ARBORICULTURE. + +From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:-- + + "Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the + summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular + crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing + practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible + to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be + done by this system of pruning." + +We can well believe this. + + * * * * * + + "'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d. + net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_. + +With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money. + + * * * * * + +HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE. + +Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how to solve +the food problem than other papers are. + +The following six letters have been selected with care from some +thousand and three received during the week. The others are at the +service of any enterprising editor, or Lord DEVONPORT can have them +if he will send a waggon to take them away. They should make pleasant +week-end reading. + +AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION. + +SIR,--What we plain men want to know and what we are entitled to know +is--What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat? +What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It would make a vast difference to +the success of the food campaign if each of these administrators was +visible at his meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a +prominent shop window should be taken for each, and they should have +their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public. + + Yours, etc., + COMMON SENSE. + + +THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR. + +SIR,--If the Food Economy posters were more carefully thought out the +trick would be done. I suggest, for example, something really pithy +and witty, such as-- + + IT IS NOT ENOUGH + FOR + ONE OR TWO DAYS + TO BE + MEATLESS DAYS. + YOU SHOULD SEE + THAT ALL DAYS + ARE + EAT-LESS DAYS. + +Something like that would soon drive the fear of England into the +[unprintable word] Germans. + + Yours, etc., + DOWNRIGHT. + + +TO MASTER THE ROLLS. + +SIR,--My experience is that all rolls are too big. I personally can +get through a meal comfortably with only half the fat roll that is +automatically put before me at most of the restaurants. Let Lord +DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the size, and the difference both +in consumption and waste will be enormous. At a dinner-party which I +attended the other evening, not, Sir, a hundred miles from your +own office, the excessive size of the rolls was the subject of much +comment. No one should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread. +It should be doled out in the smallest doses. + + Yours, etc., + OBSERVER. + + +THE USE OF ABUSE. + +SIR,--The real trouble with the food economy campaign is that ordinary +people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got into the habit of not +believing the daily papers, do not realise what their enemy and +the chief enemy of the country at this moment is--I mean the German +submarine. In order to get this fact into their intelligence I suggest +that free classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which, +instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" and +so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) boat!" in every +dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young might also be thus +instructed. + + Yours, etc., + FAR SIGHTED. + + +WRIT SARCASTIC. + +SIR,--I have an infallible plan for diminishing the consumption of +good food, at any rate among Members of the Government. Let them give +up all other forms of nutriment and eat their own words. The PRIME +MINISTER might begin. I am, + + Yours, etc., + ORGANISED OPPOSITION. + + +"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED. + +SIR,--I am told that there are people so lost to shame that they are +still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and all the other appeals +to their patriotism, eating as usual. I suggest that they be branded +as the "Alimentary Canaille." + + Yours, etc., + DISGUSTED. + + * * * * * + + "Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best speeches in the moist + manner."--_British Weekly_. + +We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry speakers. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. member should have + thought it worth while to make a point of that sort. Surely he + knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium facit perse.'"--_The Times_. + +The maxim seems to have jammed. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War Cabinet is both + executive and consultative, its functions being regulated by + the nature of the subject of the Bandman Opera Coy.'"--_The + Empire_ (_Calcutta_). + +As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its advertised +programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we feel confident that +Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported. + + * * * * * + +TROOP HORSES. + + Through lingering long months idle + They have kept you ready and fit, + All shining from hock to bridle, + All burnished from hoof to bit; + The set of your silk coat's beauty, + The lie of its lightest hair, + Was an anxious trooper's duty + And a watchful captain's care. + + Not the keenest eye could discover + The sign of the sloth on you, + From the last mane-lock laid over + To the last nail tight in the shoe; + A blast, and your ranks stood ready; + A shout, and your saddles filled; + A wave, and your troop was ready + To wheel where the leaders willed. + + "Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!" + Was your confident Colonel's pride, + And the faith of the lads--"Our luck'll + Come back when the Spring winds ride;" + And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly, + They dragged their spurs in the mire, + Till the Western Front woke slowly + And they won to their hearts' desire. + + They loose you now to the labours + That the needs of the hour reveal, + And you carry the proud old sabres + To cross with a tarnished steel; + So, steady--and keep position-- + And stout be your hearts to-day, + As you shoulder the old tradition + And charge in the ancient way! + + W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +MORE ZOO NOTES. + +Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on account of the +presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that Mr. POCOCK, who has +so successfully brought the Zoo's rations into conformity with war +conditions, might probably persuade the animal to live on hemp seed. + + * * * * * + +"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were effected +without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus demanded a +pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the belief that they were +some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears to have been baseless. + + * * * * * + +In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the Insect +House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning fur coats +have offered them a good home. + + * * * * * + +The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since the all-red +root has been denied them they protest against being called birds of +paradise, and wish to be known simply as "birds." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS; + +OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Private Saunders_ (_whose battalion, having been sent +back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to spend the night +in the street, its billets being still occupied by other troops--to +cheery pal, who breaks into song_). "'USH, GINGER--YOU'LL GIVE THE +TOWN A BAD NAME."] + + * * * * * + +WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS. + +(_With apologies to the seers of the Sunday papers_.) + +A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there, but I must +not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But even the Censor +can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was connected with a naval +success of peculiar brilliance which must be suppressed because we +wish to keep the Bosches guessing. + + * * * * * + +Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as being in +attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually supposed to have +addressed a public meeting in England when in reality he was hundreds +of miles away? I make no statement; I merely write the word "Austria." +To those who understand it will be enough. + + * * * * * + +Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news from the Port +of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be surprised to hear in a +few weeks that the Port of Danzig has ceased to exist. + + * * * * * + +There is grave trouble at Scotland Yard. A Hun Colonel captured at +Arras was found to have in his pocket a receipted bill from a London +hotel of the previous week's date. It would surprise you very much +if I told you at which hotel "Mr. Perkins" stayed and what guests he +entertained there. + + * * * * * + +Why did the Liberian envoy call at the Foreign Office six times last +week? His explanation, offered to an inquiring Pressman, that he had +lost an umbrella, was naive, to say the least. I must not betray what +I know, but I may hint that KING FERDINAND of Bulgaria is famous for +the devious ways in which he carries on negotiations. + + * * * * * + +A neutral diplomatist of considerable importance has never taken a +holiday since the War began, and has always told his friends that he +will never leave his post till peace comes. On an afternoon this week +he was seen with beaming face buying a travelling rug and two portable +trunks at one of London's largest emporia. I wonder--yes, I wonder. + + * * * * * + +[_The Editor_. You are not very spicy this week. + +_The Contributor_. Nor would you be if you had been confined to the +house at Peckham Rye with influenza. Better work next week. I have an +appointment to lunch with a member of the National Liberal Club and +shall get right to the heart of things.] + + * * * * * + +Extract from Army Orders at the Front:-- + + "A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the Heavy Artillery. + Please make arrangements for him to be accommodated in the ---- + Heavy Battery Horse Lines." + +The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a Canon's stall. + + * * * * * + + "As approved up to date, the bread ticket will comprise four + squares, each entitling the holder to purchase two ounces of + bread; or, by presenting the whole ticket, two quartern loaves + of 4 lb. each."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has already +decided to present the whole ticket. + + * * * * * + +From a letter by "Retired Diplomat" on "Maize Bread":-- + + "To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be separated + from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and the latter + alone retained for baking purposes."--_Evening Paper_. + +As in these days no means of increasing the supply of food-stuffs +should be neglected, we have much pleasure in passing on "Retired +Diplomat's" suggestion to the authorities of the Zoo. Personally we +prefer Cockatoo _en casserole_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRICE OF VICTORY. + +"WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN'T DO THAT MUCH, WE DON'T DESERVE TO WIN."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 30th._--After this week Newmarket will be "a blasted +heath," for all horse-racing is to be stopped. Irish Members could +hardly believe the dreadful news. What are the hundred thousand young +men who refuse to for their country to do with their spare time? + +Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased. Mr. DUNCAN +MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their national +beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of their national +food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats for high-mettled racers +would mean more "parritch" for humble constituents. + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE. + +_The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND_ (_together_). "AFTER YOU, SIR."] + +There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully fulfilled +the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir CLEMENT +KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary career he must +have already cost the country a pretty penny in extra pay and pensions +to the "mateys" and "matlows" of Devonport. Latterly he has given the +Admiralty a rest and has devoted himself to strafing the Home Office +for its alleged tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at +Princetown--a race of sturdy beggars, according to his account, who +live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get leave periodically +to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings, and, worst of all, +invade his constituency in their leisure hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN, +who represents the neighbouring borough of Plymouth, supported this +indictment, and added the amazing detail that one of the Princetown +pacifists was an ex-pugilist. + +[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A +RICH PRIZE.] + +Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two men least +likely to engage in personal violence I should have thought myself +safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr. JOSEPH KING. The former +is so devoted to animals that he would not turn upon a worm; the +thought of bloodshed so shocks the latter that he welcomes any +suggestion of peace however illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a +proposal of Sir GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant +knight promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House; +and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet the +hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he likes." If +the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue Books at forty yards +would have been the choice; but, happily, peace was soon afterwards +restored. + +_Tuesday, May 1st._--Some of our super-patriots have no luck. Mr. +JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the British Vice-Consul at Riga +was a gentleman with the suspicious name of WISKEMANN, thought that he +had got hold of a sure thing--not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but +certainly one of the phalanges. And then down came Lord ROBERT CECIL +with the information that the gentleman in question was not only +British-born but was a product of Wellington and Cambridge, and a +public servant in whom the Foreign Office had the utmost confidence. +"Foiled again," muttered HICKS to JOYNSON, "but a time will come!" + +Like the retired soap-boiler who always looked in on melting-days Lord +HARCOURT could not resist the attraction of the Office of Works' Vote. +He never displayed his ability more signally than in the rapidity and +ease with which he used as First Commissioner to get his Estimates +through the House. It was a treat to hear him poking fun at the bores, +demolishing the captious and humouring the serious critics of his +administration. His present successor goes about his business in a +more stolid way. In his hands the rapier has become a ploughshare. At +first the few Members who stayed to listen found him _Le Mond qui nous +ennuie_, but he woke them up later with the startling announcement +that he can, if he likes, with a stroke of the pen remove the ladies' +grille, and admit the fair visitors to a full view of the House, and, +what is more important, admit the House to a full view of the fair +visitors. For the moment, I gather, he means to hold his hand, pending +full consideration of all the changes that such a revolution may +involve. Besides, the SPEAKER may have to be consulted, although up to +the present he has exhibited no desire to rush in where angels--bless +them!--love to tread. + +_Wednesday, May 2nd._--Curiosity to hear Mr. BONAR LAW'S first +Budget-speech caused a full House. The Peers attended in force, and +among the distinguished strangers was "Dr. JIM," a man of action who, +as a rule, takes little interest in the men of talk. + +The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S Budget statement was praised by +his predecessor for its ability and lucidity. Personally, I thought +rapidity was its most notable characteristic. Unhampered by manuscript +(save a couple of sheets of notepaper containing a few of the +principal figures) and relying upon his exceptional memory, he rattled +through his thousand-million totals at such a pace that my panting +pencil toiled after him in vain. In seventy-five minutes by the clock +he spoke four solid columns of The Times. + +As we have failed to drink ourselves out of our difficulties, for the +Excise returns show a steady falling off, we are to do our bit towards +smoking ourselves out of them by paying 1s. 10d. a pound more on our +tobacco. This last impost constitutes a real piece of self-denial on +the CHANCELLOR'S part, for he is much addicted to cigars both long +and strong, somewhat resembling those which enabled Mr. W.J. TRAVIS to +carry off the Amateur Golf Championship to America. + +_Thursday, May 3rd._--The secrets of the Budget were so well kept that +Mr. LAW himself forgot the most important of them until to-day. In +future it will be a case of "one man (or woman) one dog," unless the +owner is prepared to pay on an ascending scale for his extra pets. In +our fight with Germany we must neglect no precaution however small. +To get the KAISER back to his kennel we will, if necessary, empty our +own. Doggedness is essential to victory, but not over-doggedness. Then +let us, in CALVERLEY'S phrase, "curtail the already cur-tailed cur." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CADET'S DAY. + +9 A.M.--SAD BAGS. 7 P.M.--GLAD RAGS.] + + * * * * * + +A MINISTERIAL WAIL. + + ["The most trenchant critics of the Government since its + formation have been Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE."--_British + Weekly_]. + + The gipsy camping in a dingle + I reckon as a lucky dog; + He doesn't hear the voice of PRINGLE, + He doesn't hear the snorts of HOGGE. + + The moujik crouching in his ingle + Somewhere near Tomsk or Taganrog + I envy; he is far from PRINGLE + And equally remote from HOGGE. + + I find them deadly when they're single, + But deadlier in the duologue, + When the insufferable PRINGLE + Backs the intolerable HOGGE. + + I'd rather walk for miles on shingle + Or flounder knee-deep in a bog + Than listen to a speech from PRINGLE + Or hearken to the howls of HOGGE. + + Their tyrannous exactions mingle + The vices of Kings Stork and Log; + One day I give the palm to PRINGLE, + The next I offer it to HOGGE. + + The style of _Mr. Alfred Jingle_ + Was jumpy, but he did not clog + His sense with woolly words, like PRINGLE, + With priggish petulance, like HOGGE. + + I'd love to see the _Bing Boys_ bingle, + To go to music-halls _incog._, + Instead of being posed by PRINGLE + And heckled by the hateful HOGGE. + + My appetite is gone; I "pingle" + (As Norfolk puts it) with my prog; + My meals are marred by thoughts of PRINGLE, + My sleep is massacred by HOGGE. + + O patriots, with your nerves a-tingle, + With all your righteous souls agog, + Will none of you demolish PRINGLE + And utterly extinguish HOGGE? + + * * * * * + +OF MARGARINE: _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to animal painter_). "I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU +LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY." + +_Artist_. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF WORK." + +_Friend_. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful of native +troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini. + + +We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it remained, +languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of Central African bush +till sun-set, when we hauled it down again--an arduous life. After +we had been at M'Vini about six months, had shot everything worth +shooting, and knew one another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher +and I grew bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and +mere propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our +separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct necessity, +and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a further three months +dragged on. + +Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my wattle-and-dab, +bearing a note. + +"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen; think it +must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and mount guard--must +impress the blighter." + +I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and sallied +forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the Army had gone to +celebrate somebody's birthday in the neighbouring village. However, I +discovered one remaining trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree. +He was sick--dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to postpone +his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned his physician (the +local witch doctor) and two camp followers, and, leaving my cook-boy +to valet them, dashed to my hut to make my own toilet. A glimpse +through the cane mats five minutes later showed me that our visitors +had arrived. + +A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and all) +was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to discover +whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for a quarter of +an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him. Then, at a given +signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every fal-lal he could collect, +issued from his hut, and I turned out the improvised guard. A stirring +spectacle; and it had the desired effect, for the German afterwards +admitted to being deeply impressed, especially by the local wizard, +who paraded in his professional regalia, and, coming to cross-purposes +with his rifle, bayoneted himself and wept bitterly. The ceremonies +over and the casualty removed we adjourned to Frobisher's _kya_, +broached the whisky and sat about in solemn state, stiff with +accoutrements, sodden with perspiration. Our visitor kept the Red, +White and Black flying on a tree over the border, he explained; this +was his annual ceremonial call. He sighed and brushed the sweat from +his nose with the tips of a white glove--"the weather was warm, _nicht +wahr?_" I admitted that we dabbled in flag-flying ourselves and that +the weather was all he claimed for it (which effort cost me about four +pounds in weight). Tongues lolling, flanks heaving, we discussed the +hut-tax, the melon crop, the monkey-nut market, the nigger--and the +weather again. + +Suddenly Frobisher sprang up, cast loose the shackles of his Sam +Browne, hurled it into a corner, and began tearing at his tunic hooks. +I stared at him in amazement--such manners before visitors. But our +immaculate guest leapt to his feet with a roar like a freed lion, and, +stripping his white gloves, flung them after the Sam Browne, whereupon +a fury of undressing came upon us. Helmets, belts, tunics, shirts were +piled into the corner, until at length we stood in our underclothes, +laughing and unashamed. After that we got on famously, that Teuton +and we, and three days later, when he swarmed aboard his mule and +left home (in pyjamas this time) it was with real regret we waved him +farewell. + +But not for long. Within a month we were surprised by a hail from the +bush, and there was Otto, mule, pyjamas and all. + +"Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo!" he carolled. "'Ere gomes ze Sherman invasion! +Durn out ze guard!" He roared with laughter, fell off his palfrey and +bawled for his batman, who ambled up balancing a square box on his +woolly pate. + +His mother in Munich had sent him a case of Lion Brew, Otto explained, +so he had brought it along. + +We wassailed deep into that night and out the other side, and we liked +our Otto more than ever. We had plenty in common, the same loneliness, +fevers, climate, and niggers to wrestle with; moreover he had been +in England, and liked it; he smoked a pipe; he washed. Also, as he +privily confided to us in the young hours of one morning, he had his +doubts as to the divinity of the KAISER, and was not quite convinced +that RICHARD STRAUSS had composed the music of the spheres. + +He was a bad Hun (which probably accounted for his presence at the +uttermost, hottermost edge of the ALL-HIGHEST'S dominions), but a good +fellow. Anyhow, we liked him, Frobisher and I; liked his bull-mouthed +laughter, his drinking songs and full-blooded anecdotes, and, on the +occasions of his frequent visits, put our boredom from us, pretended +to be on the most affectionate terms, and even laughed uproariously +at each other's funny stories. Up at M'Vini, in the long long-ago, +the gleam of pyjamas amongst the loquats, and "'Ere gomes ze Sherman +invasion!" booming through the bush, became a signal for general +good-will. + +In the fulness of time Otto went home on leave, and, shortly +afterwards, the world blew up. + +And now I have met him again, a sodden, muddy, bloody, shrunken, +saddened Otto, limping through a snowstorm in the custody of a +Canadian Corporal. He was the survivor of a rear-guard, the Canuck +explained, and had "scrapped like a bag of wild-cats" until knocked +out by a rifle butt. As for Otto himself, he hadn't much to say; he +looked old, cold, sick and infinitely disgusted. He had always been a +poor Hun. + +Only once did he show a gleam of his ancient form of those old hot, +happy, pyjama days on the Equator. + +A rabble of prisoners--Jaegers, Grenadiers, Uhlans, what-nots--came +trudging down the road, an unshorn, dishevelled herd of cut-throats, +propelled by a brace of diminutive kilties, who paused occasionally to +treat them to snatches of flings and to hoot triumphantly. + +Otto regarded his fallen compatriots with disgusted lack-lustre eyes, +then turning to me with a ghost of his old smile, "'Ere gomes ze +Sherman invasion," said he. + + * * * * * + +CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY. + +II. + +(_Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence, who was slightly wounded through +a lack of a proper sense of the rights of rank._) + + Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence + Had no idea of precedence; + To him his Colonel was no more + Than any other messroom bore; + And he would try to make a pal + Not merely of a General, + But even a horrified non-com + He'd greet with "Tiddly-om-pom-pom!" + Although in other ways quite nice, + He was perverted by this vice. + For instance, once he had to tea + A private in the A.S.C., + And asked to meet him Cathcart-Crewe, + A Major in the Horse Guards Blue. + Too frequently did it occur + That, when a senior officer + Was with him, he would up and take + Salutes from privates. Why, he'd shake + Even Sir DOUGLAS by the hand + And say, "Old chap, you're doing grand." + + This sort of thing caused some distress + Among the members of his mess. + He often took the Colonel's chair; + He often flourished in the air + His water-glass (when wine was scanty), + And shouted, "Cheero, Adjutanty!" + You see, he simply had no sense + Of military precedence. + + His regiment went out to France + To help a general advance. + Now in a minute they must hop + Like billy-o across the top. + Amid the din the Colonel said, + "It will be hellish overhead. + Machine-guns will let loose a jet + Of bullets on the parapet; + We'll meet a burst of rifle fire, + And, as for shells, I don't desire + To see in so confined a space + A thicker lot than we shall face. + Now, gentlemen, attend, I pray-- + When we attack, I lead the way!" + + Now wouldn't anyone concur, + Saying at once, "With pleasure, Sir!" + Nor with undisciplined delight + Baulk the good Colonel of his right? + Not so young Spence. The moment came, + And, heedless of the cries of "Shame!" + He never offered _once_ to wait + Until the Colonel, more sedate, + Had scrambled o'er the parapet, + But got there first--and promptly met + A bullet.... _Folk who arrogate + The privileges of the great + Must take what ills thereto attach_ + (The Colonel never got a scratch). + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Distracted Wife_. "OH, ALFRED--THE POTATO-PATCH!"] + + * * * * * + +"KAMERAD!" + +"Baby Girl, 18 months, will surrender entirely to good home."--_Daily +Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "The Archdeacon of Stow thought it was a good maxim not to + argue with the huntsmen while shooting the rabbits, and moved + the previous question."--_Morning Post_. + +If you want a real argument with a huntsman (of the ante-bellum type) +you should try shooting a fox. + + * * * * * + +Consecutive paragraphs from _The Continental Daily Mail_:-- + + "Mr. Arthur J. Balfour, like President Wilson, is an ardent + golfer. He has challenged Mr. Wilson to a match, and the + President of the United States immediately took him up. The + match will be played in a few days. + + "'Every able-bodied man and woman found golfing at the present + time should be taken by the scruff of the neck and made to + do some work of national importance,' said Mr. Waldie at the + Edinburgh Parish Council." + +So that's that. + + * * * * * + +SCHOOL. + +During the past week there has taken place, almost without our +knowledge, a great migration of boys. From their homes, out on to the +roads and railways, has been pouring a flood of big boys, middle-sized +boys, small boys, old boys, new boys, all tending towards the various +schools where they are supposed to make all the best parts of human +knowledge their own and to live a life of dignified abstraction from +the troubles of the world, in the midst of their own _argot_ and their +own special traditions. + +Of the big boys and the middle-sized boys I have little to say. They +are already imbued, if one may say so, with the influence of their +school, and can hold their own with the masters and their fellow-boys. +Much as they enjoy their holidays, they show no undue reluctance to +take up again the burden of their studies at a place which they will +afterwards consider as having given them some of the happiest days +of their lives. Many of them indeed are already or are in process of +becoming the trusted coadjutors of the headmaster and his colleagues +in the work of maintaining good order and discipline in the school. +They are monitors--tremendous word!--or prefects or praepostors, and +their _mitis sapientia_, no less than their muscular strength, causes +them to be feared and venerated. + +Of such awful beings one must not speak lightly lest some terrific +fate reserved for scoffers overtake one. No, my concern at present +is rather with the little boys who have gone up for the first time +to their preparatory school, those forlorn scraps of humanity who are +beginning a life entirely new to them in all its details. Hitherto, +except for visits to the seaside with their parents and family, they +have not spent a night away from home. Now they are separated +from their parents and plunged into a world of perfect strangers. +Everything is done to make them at ease and comfortable in their new +surroundings; the headmaster is kindness itself, the matron beams on +them with smiles and fortifies them with encouragement; but just at +first the wrench for the little fellows is great. In a day or two, +however, they will begin to acclimatise themselves; the strangeness +will begin to wear off; and having borne up bravely against their +first sense of loneliness in the midst of a crowd they will gradually +become parts of the machine to the making of which many gentle and +sympathising hands for years past have contributed. + +"Schools are not what they were," says one of my friends. "There is +no bullying nowadays and little roughness of any kind. Masters are +not looked upon as the natural enemies of boys. Corporal punishment, +except for the gravest offences, is abolished. Whereas, formerly, +little boys were at once sucked into the vortex of a Public School, +there are now Preparatory Schools, where Tommie and Dickie and Harry, +aged from nine to ten, learn the business of Public Schooling in +a manner suited to their age and capacity. When we were boys," he +continues, "these admirable buffer states were so few that they might +almost be said not to exist at all; they now flourish everywhere. The +path of the little boy is thus made easier for him." + +"But," I said, "is a little boy, then, never brought to a sense of +his unimportance by being physically, if not morally, kicked? Is he to +pass his life in a condition of Sybaritic softness?" + +"You need not," he said, "worry about that. Softness makes no appeal +to the average English boy." + +When therefore, on a day in last week, it happened to me to take a +little boy I happen to know to his Preparatory School on his first day +of his first term there, I did so with no undue depression. "Be a good +boy," I said to him; "never tell a lie, never push yourself forward, +and don't swank about yourself." It was good advice so far as it went, +but it did not make any great impression on him, for he only answered, +"Of course," or "Of course I shan't," to every item that I put before +him. I wonder how many fathers have recently inculcated these and +similar high-toned principles on their little boys, only to meet with +the same uninterested acquiescence. And even our parting was not so +dejected as it might have been, for by that time another new boy had +come upon the scene, and he and mine had been irresistibly drawn to +one another, and were chatting gaily when it was time for me to go. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CELEBRITY. + +THIS IS BILLY SMIFF, 'IM WOT REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN THERE WASN'T NO +WAR.] + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +IX. + +THE UNWRITTEN TREATY. + +"Be careful," said the worm to the slug, "there is one of those nasty +birds over there. What ugly things they are!" + +"Not half so ugly as men. Ugh!" said the slug. + +"Men are big, not ugly. They don't eat worms." + +"But they cut them in two with spades." + +"Only by accident. There is nothing so ugly as a bloated over-grown +bird eating a slender delicate worm." + +"Except," said the slug, "a monstrous man crushing a tender slug under +his clumsy hoofs. Birds I can tolerate. They are not so big as men." + +"But they hop quicker and eat more for their size," said the worm. + +"Not slugs, they don't eat slugs. We have a treaty with the birds, you +know." + +"Was it signed?" asked the worm. + +"There was no need. You see it is a matter of convenience. We don't +get eaten, and the birds don't get their beaks slimy." + +"Convenience is a great thing," said the worm, "but it isn't +everything. Well, good-bye; I am going in till the bird goes." + +"And I am staying out till the man comes." + +"Slugs are nasty slimy things," said the thrush, "but in these hard +times one must eat what one can get," and he swallowed the slug with a +wry face. + + * * * * * + +WELL-MEANT. + +Extract from a New Zealand school-boy's letter:-- + +"We also had songs, the College song, and the Harrow School song, for +the special benifit (_sic_) of the Governor, who is an Etonian." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed +without result_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" + +_Voice from below_. "ONE OF THE CYLINDERS IS MISSING, SIR." + +_Commander_. "WELL, LOOK SHARP AND FIND THE BALLY THING--WE WANT TO +GET ON."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I was some way into _Thorgills of Treadholt_ (WARD, LOCK), thinking +what an unusually plausible and imaginative yarn it was, when I turned +back for possible enlightenment, and found a note to the effect that +it was a transcription of an Icelandic saga. Those old fellows knew +their business. I am not sagacious enough to guess where Mr. MAURICE +HEWLETT has passed beyond transcription to creation, but I can tell +you that he offers his readers a very charming and finished piece of +work. Boys of all ages should delight in this record of the fights and +wanderings and stout diplomacy of the chieftain _Thorgills_, who was +destined from his cradle to be a notable leader of men. His marriage +with _Thorey_ was a romance of as exquisite a flavour as any that our +sophisticated age can show, and its tragic end wrings the heart with +its infinite pathos. By some singular discretion Mr. HEWLETT has +chosen to eschew the least approach to Wardour-Street idiom, and +this gives the narrative a simplicity, a sanity and a vivid sense of +reality which are extraordinarily more effective than the goodliest +tushery, of which flamboyant art Mr. HEWLETT is no mean master. I +am sure he has chosen this time a more excellent way. There are +transcriptions and transcriptions. This is brilliantly done. + + * * * * * + +I cannot help regretting that Miss RHODA BROUGHTON has not thought fit +to publish her total fictional tonnage (if without disrespect I may +employ a metaphor of the moment) on the title-page of her latest +volume. Certainly the tale of her output must by this time reach +impressive dimensions. And the wonder is that _A Thorn in the Flesh_ +(STANLEY PAUL) betrays absolutely no evidence of staleness. If the +outlook here is a thought less romantic than in certain novels that +drew sighs from my adolescent breast, this is a change inherent in +the theme. For the matter of the present work is a study in conjugal +tedium. _Parthenope_ (name of ill-omen) was one of those unhappy and +devastating beings who go through life fated to bore their nearest +and dearest to the verge of lunacy. So that her marriage to poor +well-meaning _Willy Steele_ had not endured for more than a matter of +weeks before the wretched man fled from his newly-made nest, with the +heart-cry (uttered to _Parthenope's_ female relatives, themselves +too sympathetic to resent it), "I cannot stand her any longer!" +This unfortunate _debacle_ is very ingeniously contrasted with the +courtship of another couple, immune from the curse; and the whole +story is as fresh as it is amusing. Perhaps it might have been told in +fewer words; at times the slender theme seems a trifle overladen. But +probably your true Broughtonians (who must be reckoned in thousands) +would condemn such a suggestion as heresy; and, if they be satisfied, +as they certainly will be, then all is well. + + * * * * * + +It is a tribute at once to the art of her treatment and the actuality +of her theme that, after reading the delicate little study of modern +romance that ELIZABETH ROBINS PENNELL calls _The Lovers_ (HEINEMANN), +I cannot determine whether the clever writer was reproducing or +inventing--she begins so convincingly with the statement that it was +her first chapter, itself an article in _The Century_, describing the +life of The Lovers as she watched it from her window, that brought +about her friendship with the originals, and thus her knowledge of +their further history. Anyhow, true or not, it is the kind of story +that has been going on all round us in these days of love and heroism. +Mrs. PENNELL first began to watch her pair of _amoureux_ in their +attic, which was overlooked from her higher window (most readers +could probably make a shrewd guess at its postal district) in those +seemingly so distant years when the young champions of artistic London +used to meet at a certain _cafe_, wonderfully clad, to consume vast +quantities of milk. Then came the War; the boy-husband enlisted, went +to the Front--and the end is as we all have known it many and many +times. In this little book the too familiar story is given with a +restraint and absence of striving after effect that leave me, as I +say, uncertain whether its appeal is due to art or actuality. But in +either case Mrs. PENNELL has told it very well. + + * * * * * + +"Father, what is the difference between Tories and Radicals?" +"Radicals, my dear, are the infamous crew who wish to destroy all the +noble institutions for which the Tories would give their life-blood." +"And which are you, Father?" I have inflicted this ancient (and, I +always think, rather touching) scrap of dialogue upon you because it +exactly illustrates my impression of _The Soul of Ulster_ (HURST +AND BLACKETT). In other words, this little book, written as ably and +attractively as you would expect from the author of _The First Seven +Divisions_, is really less a dispassionate survey of the Home Rule +difficulty than a piece of special pleading for the Northern cause. +According, therefore, to your own attitude towards this problem will +characters occupies her rural stage--an old grandmother, be your +estimate of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S arguments. To the bigoted (or +confirmed) Orangeman they will seem revelation; to the confirmed (or +bigoted) Nationalist they will as clearly seem rubbish. Even I, who +admit the justice of the author's contentions, fancied now and again +(as in the matter of the "Peep-o'-Day Boys," for example) that a +slightly more generous admission of faults on his own side would have +strengthened the presentation of his case. One of the most interesting +chapters of a quite short volume is that in which the author explains +his belief, at first rather startling, that the eventual solution of +the vexed question may be provided through the Sinn Fein movement. +That hope, and the reasons for it, are certainly alone worth the +half-crown for which you can examine them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM TWENTY-FIVE +SHILLINGS A WEEK.' NOW, SIR, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO LEAVE MY PRESENT +OCCUPATION AND TAKE UP FARM-WORK?"] + + * * * * * + +SERGE AKSAKOFF, a distinguished Russian writer of the first half of +the nineteenth century, gave the world a portrait of his grandfather. +It is now translated with a singular felicity by Mr. J.D. DUFF, under +the title, _A Russian Gentleman_ (ARNOLD), and I should like to say +that I, who have suffered something from translations out of the +Russian, have very rarely read one which ran with such plausible +smoothness and gave so clear an impression of a charming original. +STEFAN MIHAILOVITCH BAGROFF was reckoned a good sort and a just +if rather uncompromising man. His character is drawn with faithful +exactness and praised with simple filial appreciation. The foibles +of this worthy patriarch, such as the dragging of his wife along the +floor when he was excessively annoyed, so that she went with her head +bound for a year thereafter, are excused on the ground of his general +decency. And indeed he was a lovable old boy, and the simple and +unselfconscious artistry with which the author develops his character, +and that of his daughter-in-law, SOFYA NIKOLAYEVNA, delights the jaded +literary palate. AKSAKOFF has a quite singular power of selecting just +the incident, the phrase, the gesture, the feature of the landscape +which make you exclaim with a start, "Why, I'm seeing and hearing all +this!" It is such a book as an historian of the modern school would +delight in, more engrossing than fiction of the most realistic type. +There is incident in it too--as of the degenerate KUROLYESSOFF, a +cousin-in-law of MIHAILOVITCH, who used to flog his serfs, sometimes +to death, for the pleasure of seeing them suffer; while the opening +pages, describing the trekking of the family out of far-eastern +Orenburg into the adjoining province of Ufa, and the building of the +mill and the dam, are astonishingly vivid and agreeable. + + * * * * * + +_A Maid o' Dorset_ (CASSELL) can be recommended to anyone in need of +light refreshment after a course of sterner literature. Here we are +back again in the world of small things; but if "M.E. FRANCIS'S" theme +is trivial there is no denying the art with which she handles it. +Just a quartette of characters occupies her rural stage--an old +grandmother, wise with the wisdom of years, her granddaughter, a +middle-aged farmer and a young gipsy "dairy-chap." To the horror of +her relations the Maid o' Dorset conceives an infatuation for the +gipsy, a clever rogue but no match for the grandmother. I have met +a good many farmers in my time, but never one so simple-minded as +_Solomon Blanchard_. It is all very Franciscan, and seems easy enough, +but if you think, for that reason, that you could do it yourself, you +couldn't. Its charm lies in its fragrance, and that is a quality which +is not lightly come by. + + * * * * * + +OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + +"The majority of the Russian soldiers are not so naif as, after having +deposed the Tsar, to set to work for the King of Prussia. + +"Note.--'Travailler from le Rois des Prusses' is the French colloquial +equivalent for 'To work for nothing.'"--_Pall Mall Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +FAINT PRAISE. + +"Commander Wedgwood said there was no newspaper in this country--not +even the _Daily Mail_--which had not printed during the three years of +war something to which objection could not be taken."--_Daily Paper_. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +152, MAY 9, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 15330.txt or 15330.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15330 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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