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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May
+9, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 11, 2005  [eBook #15330]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 15330-h.htm or 15330-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h/15330-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+MAY 9, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all the Royal
+Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The original plan of
+protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving the Front further West has
+been definitely abandoned.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Vossische Zeitung_ informs us that the late BISSING was a
+"veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is wondering who started this
+scandal.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the Mercantile
+Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the official figures that
+the Press has been clamouring for, the bread tickets will come none
+too soon.
+
+       ***
+
+Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by hand on
+a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients appear to
+take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even been understood to
+suggest that it seems rather a waste of milk.
+
+       ***
+
+The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates responsibility
+for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch village of Zierikzee,
+on the ground that, notwithstanding repeated warnings to abandon the
+unneutral practice, the village persisted in looking like a portion of
+the Isle of Wight.
+
+       ***
+
+Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. Our own
+military authorities, on the other hand, declare that it would be
+unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive genius of the
+young soldier has so much scope.
+
+       ***
+
+Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their
+wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity behind
+their dadoes.
+
+       ***
+
+To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre tickets
+several lifelong supporters of the British drama have already
+requested leading managers to take their names off the free list.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that for
+two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to catch a
+certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in securing it. We
+understand that the trout died with a smile on his face.
+
+       ***
+
+We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America seems to
+be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York the other day only
+three of the spectators were injured.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated that he
+was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as cashier and
+costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean and made himself
+generally useful." It is just as well that they added the last item,
+or people might have thought he was one of those slackers we hear to
+much about.
+
+       ***
+
+News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising his position
+and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE.
+It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE will
+abdicate.
+
+       ***
+
+Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week for pearls.
+It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the
+belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved
+in champagne are beneficial to the complexion.
+
+       ***
+
+"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," writes
+a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We appreciate this
+generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that
+the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines.
+
+       ***
+
+M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, has just
+been married. The bride has promised to obey him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare
+peace on America.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is
+as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to state whether
+these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' Association,
+and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr.
+CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than
+two novels per week.
+
+       ***
+
+We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept
+"substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a London _café_,
+asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never
+kept it, remarked, "Very well. Bring me a pork pie."
+
+       ***
+
+Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field
+Force. No request was forwarded for flies.
+
+       ***
+
+Dealing with IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a
+halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a "medley of weird psychopathy
+and symbolism." Just as if he were writing for a penny paper.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for
+"masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are now
+getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.
+
+       ***
+
+Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new
+regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in the past
+have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor
+cars will be hard hit.
+
+       ***
+
+Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club
+Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE
+TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT.
+
+  O not because my taste for bread
+     Tended to make me much too stout,
+  And all the leading doctors said
+     I should be better far without;
+  Not that my health may be more rude,
+     More svelte my rounded style of beauty,
+  I sacrifice this staple food--
+     But from a sense of duty!
+
+  I "can no other" when I think
+     Of how the Hun, docile and meek,
+  Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink,
+     And only strikes, say, once a week;
+  If he for all these months has stood
+     The sorry fare they feed the brute on,
+  I hope that I can be as good
+     A patriot as your Teuton.
+
+  Henceforth I spurn the dear delight
+     That went so well with jam or cheese;
+  No turn of mine shall wear the white
+     Flour of a shameless life of ease;
+  Others may pass one loaf in three,
+     Some rather more than that, and some less,
+  But I--the only course for me--
+     Go absolutely crumbless.
+
+  So, when I quit this mortal strife,
+     Men on my grave these lines shall score:--
+  "Much as he loved the Staff of Life
+     He loved his country even more;
+  He needed no compelling ban;
+     England, in fact, had but to ask it,
+  And he surrendered, like a man,
+     The claims of his bread-basket."
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIPLOMATIC NOTES.
+
+The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to advices
+from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though curiously enough a
+strange cloud of silence hangs over recent (and coming) events in
+Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to construct a fleet, despite the fact
+that the absence of a seaboard is being made a reason for sinister
+opposition in pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her
+soldiers, but her gun is still under repair.
+
+Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to over-estimate the
+value of this new adhesion to the Allied cause. The standing army is
+well over six hundred strong, and there is a small but modern fleet,
+consisting of two revenue cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes
+(mounted with two pairs of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee
+class). The President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate,
+declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in vain."
+Señora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast the only vote against
+war. "I cannot," she sobbed.
+
+Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a
+mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a
+counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is feared.
+Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be felt. Here,
+owing to the new régime of blubber-cards, Eskimo opinion is in a
+very nervous state. Indeed, according to an inspired semi-official
+utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it
+is not too much to say that almost anything may, or may not, happen in
+this Arctic quarter.
+
+The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced in all
+public places, and even whispering is forbidden at street corners.
+More than two-thirds of the population are spies. Relatives are
+only allowed to speak to each other if granted a special licence
+or talking-ticket by the Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special
+dispensation for mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty
+goats on Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is
+blowing; whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels
+were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious dredging
+operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a Berne correspondent.
+The future is big with presage.
+
+All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which still stand
+aside from the maelström of war. The position in Ethiopia is, to say
+the least of it, tendentious, and at any moment the natives may change
+their skin. The coronation of the new Empress of Abyssinia is being
+followed as usual by the great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which
+an important pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover
+(from a private source in Trondhjem, _viâ_ Mecca and Amsterdam), that
+Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch pro-Ally, is expected
+to speak with no uncertain voice. Unfortunately serious liquorice
+riots have broken out in the capital, and these are being cunningly
+used by German agents to turn popular discontent against the Allies.
+Fräulein von Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin
+Envoy, is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of
+"Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable
+correspondent of _The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer_ telegraphs
+(_viâ_ Tomsk) that she only escaped lynching by distributing her
+treasure to the mob.
+
+In a similar way economic issues are determining the attitude
+of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The new Food
+Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the situation, and the yak
+ration has again been reduced. It behoves British diplomacy to see
+that the ensuing discontent is not turned into Germanophil currents.
+Where is our Foreign Office? What is being done? We are in the third
+year of the War and yet, while the German Minister is distributing
+free arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be
+nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the Thibetan
+field-strength only last week, and that the Government dinghy is
+already watertight.
+
+_Later_. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of Stark
+Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per cent. The
+new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting unit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A GOOD CAUSE.
+
+Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of Paintings,
+Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief British artists of
+the day and of earlier schools, which is being organised, by licence
+of the Board of Trade, in aid of the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded
+Soldiers and Sailors. These works of art (including many by Mr.
+Punch's artists) will be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held
+this week at the Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause.
+After May 10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for
+the Lottery (5s.) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton Parkes, The
+Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W. The drawing of the
+Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th at St. Dunstan's Hostel,
+Regent's Park.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of "Lamp Day,"
+which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May 11th, and in
+the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. The
+proceeds are to be divided between the Women's Service Bureau, which
+registers and trains women for national employment, and the Scottish
+Women's Hospitals, whose London units are doing gallant work with the
+Serbian division of the Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a
+cause that would have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp,"
+devoted pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field.
+Those who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a
+little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY, 16,
+Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be crossed
+"London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria Branch."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DONNERWETTER.
+
+HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER FOR ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lidy_ (_referring to Court Rival_). "I WON'T 'ARF GIVE
+'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER--LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST
+MY DOOR SUCKIN' _SUGAR_--LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOLD TO THE MARINES.
+
+  This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells
+    O' 'Is Majesty's Marine
+  Told in the mess 'bout seven bells--
+  'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot;
+  An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's not,
+    But it easily might 'ave been.
+
+  "'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,
+    An' the vessel wot I was on
+  Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;
+  I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat
+  To get some thread for the skipper's coat
+    Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.
+
+  "I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,
+    And feeling a trifle queer,
+  When somethin' grated agin the side;
+  I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;
+  'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,
+    'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'
+
+  "When suddenly close on my starboard beam,
+    With scarcely a foot between
+  (I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),
+  Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake
+  Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake
+    Of a big 'Un submarine.
+
+  "An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,
+    Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,
+  For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark
+  With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear--
+  Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,
+    If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.
+
+  "I saw 'is cruel little eye
+    A-swivellin' stem to starn;
+  'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'
+  So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit
+  And lashed it fast in place with a bit,
+  Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.
+
+  "'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone,
+    Which wos all that the blighter could do,
+  An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;
+  I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,
+  An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'
+    The same as I'm tellin' you.
+
+  "Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down
+    Till I felt my cheeks go warm,
+  For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown;
+  Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;
+  'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?
+    Do you call that uniform?.'
+
+  "An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,
+    Which is wot she 'as always bin,
+  You may do your dooty as well as me,
+  But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same
+  Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,
+    Which is Service Discipline."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR POLYGAMISTS.
+
+"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."--_Provincial
+Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.
+
+POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR
+EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOCKING THE DRAMA.
+
+It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting
+the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose
+drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments.
+Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain
+further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed
+upon the programmes:--
+
+(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half
+hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose
+it is enacted that--
+
+(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of
+the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars
+as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly
+printed upon the programmes.
+
+(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the
+stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided
+always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an
+actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).
+
+(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly
+suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.
+
+(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one
+illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed
+three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.
+
+In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the
+following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of
+the Defence of the Realm Act:--
+
+DRAMA.--The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as
+follows:--
+
+During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a
+reasonable period not to exceed one minute.
+
+For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes;
+supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same.
+
+Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam,
+two-and-a-half minutes.
+
+FARCE AND COMEDY.--It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no
+allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned.
+
+MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.--Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be
+accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore
+verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a
+recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office.
+Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.)
+
+Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two
+full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power,
+thus combining realism with economy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERIES OF ARBORICULTURE.
+
+From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:--
+
+    "Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the
+    summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular
+    crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing
+    practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible
+    to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be
+    done by this system of pruning."
+
+We can well believe this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d.
+    net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_.
+
+With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.
+
+Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how to solve
+the food problem than other papers are.
+
+The following six letters have been selected with care from some
+thousand and three received during the week. The others are at the
+service of any enterprising editor, or Lord DEVONPORT can have them
+if he will send a waggon to take them away. They should make pleasant
+week-end reading.
+
+AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.
+
+SIR,--What we plain men want to know and what we are entitled to know
+is--What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat?
+What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It would make a vast difference to
+the success of the food campaign if each of these administrators was
+visible at his meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a
+prominent shop window should be taken for each, and they should have
+their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  COMMON SENSE.
+
+
+THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.
+
+SIR,--If the Food Economy posters were more carefully thought out the
+trick would be done. I suggest, for example, something really pithy
+and witty, such as--
+
+  IT IS NOT ENOUGH
+      FOR
+  ONE OR TWO DAYS
+     TO BE
+  MEATLESS DAYS.
+  YOU SHOULD SEE
+  THAT ALL DAYS
+      ARE
+  EAT-LESS DAYS.
+
+Something like that would soon drive the fear of England into the
+[unprintable word] Germans.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  DOWNRIGHT.
+
+
+TO MASTER THE ROLLS.
+
+SIR,--My experience is that all rolls are too big. I personally can
+get through a meal comfortably with only half the fat roll that is
+automatically put before me at most of the restaurants. Let Lord
+DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the size, and the difference both
+in consumption and waste will be enormous. At a dinner-party which I
+attended the other evening, not, Sir, a hundred miles from your
+own office, the excessive size of the rolls was the subject of much
+comment. No one should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread.
+It should be doled out in the smallest doses.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  OBSERVER.
+
+
+THE USE OF ABUSE.
+
+SIR,--The real trouble with the food economy campaign is that ordinary
+people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got into the habit of not
+believing the daily papers, do not realise what their enemy and
+the chief enemy of the country at this moment is--I mean the German
+submarine. In order to get this fact into their intelligence I suggest
+that free classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which,
+instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" and
+so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) boat!" in every
+dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young might also be thus
+instructed.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  FAR SIGHTED.
+
+
+WRIT SARCASTIC.
+
+SIR,--I have an infallible plan for diminishing the consumption of
+good food, at any rate among Members of the Government. Let them give
+up all other forms of nutriment and eat their own words. The PRIME
+MINISTER might begin. I am,
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  ORGANISED OPPOSITION.
+
+
+"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.
+
+SIR,--I am told that there are people so lost to shame that they are
+still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and all the other appeals
+to their patriotism, eating as usual. I suggest that they be branded
+as the "Alimentary Canaille."
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  DISGUSTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best speeches in the moist
+    manner."--_British Weekly_.
+
+We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry speakers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. member should have
+    thought it worth while to make a point of that sort. Surely he
+    knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium facit perse.'"--_The Times_.
+
+The maxim seems to have jammed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War Cabinet is both
+    executive and consultative, its functions being regulated by
+    the nature of the subject of the Bandman Opera Coy.'"--_The
+    Empire_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its advertised
+programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we feel confident that
+Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TROOP HORSES.
+
+  Through lingering long months idle
+    They have kept you ready and fit,
+  All shining from hock to bridle,
+    All burnished from hoof to bit;
+  The set of your silk coat's beauty,
+    The lie of its lightest hair,
+  Was an anxious trooper's duty
+    And a watchful captain's care.
+
+  Not the keenest eye could discover
+    The sign of the sloth on you,
+  From the last mane-lock laid over
+    To the last nail tight in the shoe;
+  A blast, and your ranks stood ready;
+    A shout, and your saddles filled;
+  A wave, and your troop was ready
+    To wheel where the leaders willed.
+
+  "Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!"
+    Was your confident Colonel's pride,
+  And the faith of the lads--"Our luck'll
+    Come back when the Spring winds ride;"
+  And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly,
+    They dragged their spurs in the mire,
+  Till the Western Front woke slowly
+    And they won to their hearts' desire.
+
+  They loose you now to the labours
+    That the needs of the hour reveal,
+  And you carry the proud old sabres
+    To cross with a tarnished steel;
+  So, steady--and keep position--
+    And stout be your hearts to-day,
+  As you shoulder the old tradition
+    And charge in the ancient way!
+
+  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE ZOO NOTES.
+
+Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on account of the
+presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that Mr. POCOCK, who has
+so successfully brought the Zoo's rations into conformity with war
+conditions, might probably persuade the animal to live on hemp seed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were effected
+without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus demanded a
+pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the belief that they were
+some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears to have been baseless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the Insect
+House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning fur coats
+have offered them a good home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since the all-red
+root has been denied them they protest against being called birds of
+paradise, and wish to be known simply as "birds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS;
+
+OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Private Saunders_ (_whose battalion, having been sent
+back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to spend the night
+in the street, its billets being still occupied by other troops--to
+cheery pal, who breaks into song_). "'USH, GINGER--YOU'LL GIVE THE
+TOWN A BAD NAME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS.
+
+(_With apologies to the seers of the Sunday papers_.)
+
+A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there, but I must
+not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But even the Censor
+can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was connected with a naval
+success of peculiar brilliance which must be suppressed because we
+wish to keep the Bosches guessing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as being in
+attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually supposed to have
+addressed a public meeting in England when in reality he was hundreds
+of miles away? I make no statement; I merely write the word "Austria."
+To those who understand it will be enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news from the Port
+of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be surprised to hear in a
+few weeks that the Port of Danzig has ceased to exist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is grave trouble at Scotland Yard. A Hun Colonel captured at
+Arras was found to have in his pocket a receipted bill from a London
+hotel of the previous week's date. It would surprise you very much
+if I told you at which hotel "Mr. Perkins" stayed and what guests he
+entertained there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why did the Liberian envoy call at the Foreign Office six times last
+week? His explanation, offered to an inquiring Pressman, that he had
+lost an umbrella, was naive, to say the least. I must not betray what
+I know, but I may hint that KING FERDINAND of Bulgaria is famous for
+the devious ways in which he carries on negotiations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A neutral diplomatist of considerable importance has never taken a
+holiday since the War began, and has always told his friends that he
+will never leave his post till peace comes. On an afternoon this week
+he was seen with beaming face buying a travelling rug and two portable
+trunks at one of London's largest emporia. I wonder--yes, I wonder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[_The Editor_. You are not very spicy this week.
+
+_The Contributor_. Nor would you be if you had been confined to the
+house at Peckham Rye with influenza. Better work next week. I have an
+appointment to lunch with a member of the National Liberal Club and
+shall get right to the heart of things.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Army Orders at the Front:--
+
+    "A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the Heavy Artillery.
+    Please make arrangements for him to be accommodated in the ----
+    Heavy Battery Horse Lines."
+
+The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a Canon's stall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "As approved up to date, the bread ticket will comprise four
+    squares, each entitling the holder to purchase two ounces of
+    bread; or, by presenting the whole ticket, two quartern loaves
+    of 4 lb. each."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
+
+Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has already
+decided to present the whole ticket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter by "Retired Diplomat" on "Maize Bread":--
+
+    "To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be separated
+    from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and the latter
+    alone retained for baking purposes."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+As in these days no means of increasing the supply of food-stuffs
+should be neglected, we have much pleasure in passing on "Retired
+Diplomat's" suggestion to the authorities of the Zoo. Personally we
+prefer Cockatoo _en casserole_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRICE OF VICTORY.
+
+"WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN'T DO THAT MUCH, WE DON'T DESERVE TO WIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 30th._--After this week Newmarket will be "a blasted
+heath," for all horse-racing is to be stopped. Irish Members could
+hardly believe the dreadful news. What are the hundred thousand young
+men who refuse to for their country to do with their spare time?
+
+Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased. Mr. DUNCAN
+MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their national
+beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of their national
+food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats for high-mettled racers
+would mean more "parritch" for humble constituents.
+
+[Illustration: THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE.
+
+_The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND_ (_together_). "AFTER YOU, SIR."]
+
+There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully fulfilled
+the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir CLEMENT
+KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary career he must
+have already cost the country a pretty penny in extra pay and pensions
+to the "mateys" and "matlows" of Devonport. Latterly he has given the
+Admiralty a rest and has devoted himself to strafing the Home Office
+for its alleged tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at
+Princetown--a race of sturdy beggars, according to his account, who
+live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get leave periodically
+to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings, and, worst of all,
+invade his constituency in their leisure hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN,
+who represents the neighbouring borough of Plymouth, supported this
+indictment, and added the amazing detail that one of the Princetown
+pacifists was an ex-pugilist.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A
+RICH PRIZE.]
+
+Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two men least
+likely to engage in personal violence I should have thought myself
+safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr. JOSEPH KING. The former
+is so devoted to animals that he would not turn upon a worm; the
+thought of bloodshed so shocks the latter that he welcomes any
+suggestion of peace however illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a
+proposal of Sir GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant
+knight promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House;
+and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet the
+hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he likes." If
+the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue Books at forty yards
+would have been the choice; but, happily, peace was soon afterwards
+restored.
+
+_Tuesday, May 1st._--Some of our super-patriots have no luck. Mr.
+JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the British Vice-Consul at Riga
+was a gentleman with the suspicious name of WISKEMANN, thought that he
+had got hold of a sure thing--not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but
+certainly one of the phalanges. And then down came Lord ROBERT CECIL
+with the information that the gentleman in question was not only
+British-born but was a product of Wellington and Cambridge, and a
+public servant in whom the Foreign Office had the utmost confidence.
+"Foiled again," muttered HICKS to JOYNSON, "but a time will come!"
+
+Like the retired soap-boiler who always looked in on melting-days Lord
+HARCOURT could not resist the attraction of the Office of Works' Vote.
+He never displayed his ability more signally than in the rapidity and
+ease with which he used as First Commissioner to get his Estimates
+through the House. It was a treat to hear him poking fun at the bores,
+demolishing the captious and humouring the serious critics of his
+administration. His present successor goes about his business in a
+more stolid way. In his hands the rapier has become a ploughshare. At
+first the few Members who stayed to listen found him _Le Mond qui nous
+ennuie_, but he woke them up later with the startling announcement
+that he can, if he likes, with a stroke of the pen remove the ladies'
+grille, and admit the fair visitors to a full view of the House, and,
+what is more important, admit the House to a full view of the fair
+visitors. For the moment, I gather, he means to hold his hand, pending
+full consideration of all the changes that such a revolution may
+involve. Besides, the SPEAKER may have to be consulted, although up to
+the present he has exhibited no desire to rush in where angels--bless
+them!--love to tread.
+
+_Wednesday, May 2nd._--Curiosity to hear Mr. BONAR LAW'S first
+Budget-speech caused a full House. The Peers attended in force, and
+among the distinguished strangers was "Dr. JIM," a man of action who,
+as a rule, takes little interest in the men of talk.
+
+The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S Budget statement was praised by
+his predecessor for its ability and lucidity. Personally, I thought
+rapidity was its most notable characteristic. Unhampered by manuscript
+(save a couple of sheets of notepaper containing a few of the
+principal figures) and relying upon his exceptional memory, he rattled
+through his thousand-million totals at such a pace that my panting
+pencil toiled after him in vain. In seventy-five minutes by the clock
+he spoke four solid columns of The Times.
+
+As we have failed to drink ourselves out of our difficulties, for the
+Excise returns show a steady falling off, we are to do our bit towards
+smoking ourselves out of them by paying 1s. 10d. a pound more on our
+tobacco. This last impost constitutes a real piece of self-denial on
+the CHANCELLOR'S part, for he is much addicted to cigars both long
+and strong, somewhat resembling those which enabled Mr. W.J. TRAVIS to
+carry off the Amateur Golf Championship to America.
+
+_Thursday, May 3rd._--The secrets of the Budget were so well kept that
+Mr. LAW himself forgot the most important of them until to-day. In
+future it will be a case of "one man (or woman) one dog," unless the
+owner is prepared to pay on an ascending scale for his extra pets. In
+our fight with Germany we must neglect no precaution however small.
+To get the KAISER back to his kennel we will, if necessary, empty our
+own. Doggedness is essential to victory, but not over-doggedness. Then
+let us, in CALVERLEY'S phrase, "curtail the already cur-tailed cur."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CADET'S DAY.
+
+9 A.M.--SAD BAGS. 7 P.M.--GLAD RAGS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MINISTERIAL WAIL.
+
+    ["The most trenchant critics of the Government since its
+    formation have been Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE."--_British
+    Weekly_].
+
+  The gipsy camping in a dingle
+    I reckon as a lucky dog;
+  He doesn't hear the voice of PRINGLE,
+    He doesn't hear the snorts of HOGGE.
+
+  The moujik crouching in his ingle
+    Somewhere near Tomsk or Taganrog
+  I envy; he is far from PRINGLE
+    And equally remote from HOGGE.
+
+  I find them deadly when they're single,
+    But deadlier in the duologue,
+  When the insufferable PRINGLE
+    Backs the intolerable HOGGE.
+
+  I'd rather walk for miles on shingle
+    Or flounder knee-deep in a bog
+  Than listen to a speech from PRINGLE
+    Or hearken to the howls of HOGGE.
+
+  Their tyrannous exactions mingle
+    The vices of Kings Stork and Log;
+  One day I give the palm to PRINGLE,
+    The next I offer it to HOGGE.
+
+  The style of _Mr. Alfred Jingle_
+    Was jumpy, but he did not clog
+  His sense with woolly words, like PRINGLE,
+    With priggish petulance, like HOGGE.
+
+  I'd love to see the _Bing Boys_ bingle,
+    To go to music-halls _incog._,
+  Instead of being posed by PRINGLE
+    And heckled by the hateful HOGGE.
+
+  My appetite is gone; I "pingle"
+    (As Norfolk puts it) with my prog;
+  My meals are marred by thoughts of PRINGLE,
+    My sleep is massacred by HOGGE.
+
+  O patriots, with your nerves a-tingle,
+    With all your righteous souls agog,
+  Will none of you demolish PRINGLE
+    And utterly extinguish HOGGE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF MARGARINE: _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to animal painter_). "I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU
+LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY."
+
+_Artist_. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF WORK."
+
+_Friend_. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful of native
+troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini.
+
+
+We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it remained,
+languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of Central African bush
+till sun-set, when we hauled it down again--an arduous life. After
+we had been at M'Vini about six months, had shot everything worth
+shooting, and knew one another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher
+and I grew bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and
+mere propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our
+separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct necessity,
+and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a further three months
+dragged on.
+
+Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my wattle-and-dab,
+bearing a note.
+
+"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen; think it
+must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and mount guard--must
+impress the blighter."
+
+I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and sallied
+forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the Army had gone to
+celebrate somebody's birthday in the neighbouring village. However, I
+discovered one remaining trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree.
+He was sick--dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to postpone
+his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned his physician (the
+local witch doctor) and two camp followers, and, leaving my cook-boy
+to valet them, dashed to my hut to make my own toilet. A glimpse
+through the cane mats five minutes later showed me that our visitors
+had arrived.
+
+A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and all)
+was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to discover
+whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for a quarter of
+an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him. Then, at a given
+signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every fal-lal he could collect,
+issued from his hut, and I turned out the improvised guard. A stirring
+spectacle; and it had the desired effect, for the German afterwards
+admitted to being deeply impressed, especially by the local wizard,
+who paraded in his professional regalia, and, coming to cross-purposes
+with his rifle, bayoneted himself and wept bitterly. The ceremonies
+over and the casualty removed we adjourned to Frobisher's _kya_,
+broached the whisky and sat about in solemn state, stiff with
+accoutrements, sodden with perspiration. Our visitor kept the Red,
+White and Black flying on a tree over the border, he explained; this
+was his annual ceremonial call. He sighed and brushed the sweat from
+his nose with the tips of a white glove--"the weather was warm, _nicht
+wahr?_" I admitted that we dabbled in flag-flying ourselves and that
+the weather was all he claimed for it (which effort cost me about four
+pounds in weight). Tongues lolling, flanks heaving, we discussed the
+hut-tax, the melon crop, the monkey-nut market, the nigger--and the
+weather again.
+
+Suddenly Frobisher sprang up, cast loose the shackles of his Sam
+Browne, hurled it into a corner, and began tearing at his tunic hooks.
+I stared at him in amazement--such manners before visitors. But our
+immaculate guest leapt to his feet with a roar like a freed lion, and,
+stripping his white gloves, flung them after the Sam Browne, whereupon
+a fury of undressing came upon us. Helmets, belts, tunics, shirts were
+piled into the corner, until at length we stood in our underclothes,
+laughing and unashamed. After that we got on famously, that Teuton
+and we, and three days later, when he swarmed aboard his mule and
+left home (in pyjamas this time) it was with real regret we waved him
+farewell.
+
+But not for long. Within a month we were surprised by a hail from the
+bush, and there was Otto, mule, pyjamas and all.
+
+"Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo!" he carolled. "'Ere gomes ze Sherman invasion!
+Durn out ze guard!" He roared with laughter, fell off his palfrey and
+bawled for his batman, who ambled up balancing a square box on his
+woolly pate.
+
+His mother in Munich had sent him a case of Lion Brew, Otto explained,
+so he had brought it along.
+
+We wassailed deep into that night and out the other side, and we liked
+our Otto more than ever. We had plenty in common, the same loneliness,
+fevers, climate, and niggers to wrestle with; moreover he had been
+in England, and liked it; he smoked a pipe; he washed. Also, as he
+privily confided to us in the young hours of one morning, he had his
+doubts as to the divinity of the KAISER, and was not quite convinced
+that RICHARD STRAUSS had composed the music of the spheres.
+
+He was a bad Hun (which probably accounted for his presence at the
+uttermost, hottermost edge of the ALL-HIGHEST'S dominions), but a good
+fellow. Anyhow, we liked him, Frobisher and I; liked his bull-mouthed
+laughter, his drinking songs and full-blooded anecdotes, and, on the
+occasions of his frequent visits, put our boredom from us, pretended
+to be on the most affectionate terms, and even laughed uproariously
+at each other's funny stories. Up at M'Vini, in the long long-ago,
+the gleam of pyjamas amongst the loquats, and "'Ere gomes ze Sherman
+invasion!" booming through the bush, became a signal for general
+good-will.
+
+In the fulness of time Otto went home on leave, and, shortly
+afterwards, the world blew up.
+
+And now I have met him again, a sodden, muddy, bloody, shrunken,
+saddened Otto, limping through a snowstorm in the custody of a
+Canadian Corporal. He was the survivor of a rear-guard, the Canuck
+explained, and had "scrapped like a bag of wild-cats" until knocked
+out by a rifle butt. As for Otto himself, he hadn't much to say; he
+looked old, cold, sick and infinitely disgusted. He had always been a
+poor Hun.
+
+Only once did he show a gleam of his ancient form of those old hot,
+happy, pyjama days on the Equator.
+
+A rabble of prisoners--Jägers, Grenadiers, Uhlans, what-nots--came
+trudging down the road, an unshorn, dishevelled herd of cut-throats,
+propelled by a brace of diminutive kilties, who paused occasionally to
+treat them to snatches of flings and to hoot triumphantly.
+
+Otto regarded his fallen compatriots with disgusted lack-lustre eyes,
+then turning to me with a ghost of his old smile, "'Ere gomes ze
+Sherman invasion," said he.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.
+
+II.
+
+(_Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence, who was slightly wounded through
+a lack of a proper sense of the rights of rank._)
+
+  Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence
+  Had no idea of precedence;
+  To him his Colonel was no more
+  Than any other messroom bore;
+  And he would try to make a pal
+  Not merely of a General,
+  But even a horrified non-com
+  He'd  greet with "Tiddly-om-pom-pom!"
+  Although in other ways quite nice,
+  He was perverted by this vice.
+  For instance, once he had to tea
+  A private in the A.S.C.,
+  And asked to meet him Cathcart-Crewe,
+  A Major in the Horse Guards Blue.
+  Too frequently did it occur
+  That, when a senior officer
+  Was with him, he would up and take
+  Salutes from privates. Why, he'd shake
+  Even Sir DOUGLAS by the hand
+  And say, "Old chap, you're doing grand."
+
+  This sort of thing caused some distress
+  Among the members of his mess.
+  He often took the Colonel's chair;
+  He often flourished in the air
+  His water-glass (when wine was scanty),
+  And shouted, "Cheero, Adjutanty!"
+  You see, he simply had no sense
+  Of military precedence.
+
+  His regiment went out to France
+  To help a general advance.
+  Now in a minute they must hop
+  Like billy-o across the top.
+  Amid the din the Colonel said,
+  "It will be hellish overhead.
+  Machine-guns will let loose a jet
+  Of bullets on the parapet;
+  We'll meet a burst of rifle fire,
+  And, as for shells, I don't desire
+  To see in so confined a space
+  A thicker lot than we shall face.
+  Now, gentlemen, attend, I pray--
+  When we attack, I lead the way!"
+
+  Now wouldn't anyone concur,
+  Saying at once, "With pleasure, Sir!"
+  Nor with undisciplined delight
+  Baulk the good Colonel of his right?
+  Not so young Spence. The moment came,
+  And, heedless of the cries of "Shame!"
+  He never offered _once_ to wait
+  Until the Colonel, more sedate,
+  Had scrambled o'er the parapet,
+  But got there first--and promptly met
+  A bullet.... _Folk who arrogate
+  The privileges of the great
+  Must take what ills thereto attach_
+  (The Colonel never got a scratch).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Distracted Wife_. "OH, ALFRED--THE POTATO-PATCH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"KAMERAD!"
+
+"Baby Girl, 18 months, will surrender entirely to good home."--_Daily
+Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Archdeacon of Stow thought it was a good maxim not to
+    argue with the huntsmen while shooting the rabbits, and moved
+    the previous question."--_Morning Post_.
+
+If you want a real argument with a huntsman (of the ante-bellum type)
+you should try shooting a fox.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consecutive paragraphs from _The Continental Daily Mail_:--
+
+    "Mr. Arthur J. Balfour, like President Wilson, is an ardent
+    golfer. He has challenged Mr. Wilson to a match, and the
+    President of the United States immediately took him up. The
+    match will be played in a few days.
+
+    "'Every able-bodied man and woman found golfing at the present
+    time should be taken by the scruff of the neck and made to
+    do some work of national importance,' said Mr. Waldie at the
+    Edinburgh Parish Council."
+
+So that's that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCHOOL.
+
+During the past week there has taken place, almost without our
+knowledge, a great migration of boys. From their homes, out on to the
+roads and railways, has been pouring a flood of big boys, middle-sized
+boys, small boys, old boys, new boys, all tending towards the various
+schools where they are supposed to make all the best parts of human
+knowledge their own and to live a life of dignified abstraction from
+the troubles of the world, in the midst of their own _argot_ and their
+own special traditions.
+
+Of the big boys and the middle-sized boys I have little to say. They
+are already imbued, if one may say so, with the influence of their
+school, and can hold their own with the masters and their fellow-boys.
+Much as they enjoy their holidays, they show no undue reluctance to
+take up again the burden of their studies at a place which they will
+afterwards consider as having given them some of the happiest days
+of their lives. Many of them indeed are already or are in process of
+becoming the trusted coadjutors of the headmaster and his colleagues
+in the work of maintaining good order and discipline in the school.
+They are monitors--tremendous word!--or prefects or præpostors, and
+their _mitis sapientia_, no less than their muscular strength, causes
+them to be feared and venerated.
+
+Of such awful beings one must not speak lightly lest some terrific
+fate reserved for scoffers overtake one. No, my concern at present
+is rather with the little boys who have gone up for the first time
+to their preparatory school, those forlorn scraps of humanity who are
+beginning a life entirely new to them in all its details. Hitherto,
+except for visits to the seaside with their parents and family, they
+have not spent a night away from home. Now they are separated
+from their parents and plunged into a world of perfect strangers.
+Everything is done to make them at ease and comfortable in their new
+surroundings; the headmaster is kindness itself, the matron beams on
+them with smiles and fortifies them with encouragement; but just at
+first the wrench for the little fellows is great. In a day or two,
+however, they will begin to acclimatise themselves; the strangeness
+will begin to wear off; and having borne up bravely against their
+first sense of loneliness in the midst of a crowd they will gradually
+become parts of the machine to the making of which many gentle and
+sympathising hands for years past have contributed.
+
+"Schools are not what they were," says one of my friends. "There is
+no bullying nowadays and little roughness of any kind. Masters are
+not looked upon as the natural enemies of boys. Corporal punishment,
+except for the gravest offences, is abolished. Whereas, formerly,
+little boys were at once sucked into the vortex of a Public School,
+there are now Preparatory Schools, where Tommie and Dickie and Harry,
+aged from nine to ten, learn the business of Public Schooling in
+a manner suited to their age and capacity. When we were boys," he
+continues, "these admirable buffer states were so few that they might
+almost be said not to exist at all; they now flourish everywhere. The
+path of the little boy is thus made easier for him."
+
+"But," I said, "is a little boy, then, never brought to a sense of
+his unimportance by being physically, if not morally, kicked? Is he to
+pass his life in a condition of Sybaritic softness?"
+
+"You need not," he said, "worry about that. Softness makes no appeal
+to the average English boy."
+
+When therefore, on a day in last week, it happened to me to take a
+little boy I happen to know to his Preparatory School on his first day
+of his first term there, I did so with no undue depression. "Be a good
+boy," I said to him; "never tell a lie, never push yourself forward,
+and don't swank about yourself." It was good advice so far as it went,
+but it did not make any great impression on him, for he only answered,
+"Of course," or "Of course I shan't," to every item that I put before
+him. I wonder how many fathers have recently inculcated these and
+similar high-toned principles on their little boys, only to meet with
+the same uninterested acquiescence. And even our parting was not so
+dejected as it might have been, for by that time another new boy had
+come upon the scene, and he and mine had been irresistibly drawn to
+one another, and were chatting gaily when it was time for me to go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CELEBRITY.
+
+THIS IS BILLY SMIFF, 'IM WOT REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN THERE WASN'T NO
+WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+IX.
+
+THE UNWRITTEN TREATY.
+
+"Be careful," said the worm to the slug, "there is one of those nasty
+birds over there. What ugly things they are!"
+
+"Not half so ugly as men. Ugh!" said the slug.
+
+"Men are big, not ugly. They don't eat worms."
+
+"But they cut them in two with spades."
+
+"Only by accident. There is nothing so ugly as a bloated over-grown
+bird eating a slender delicate worm."
+
+"Except," said the slug, "a monstrous man crushing a tender slug under
+his clumsy hoofs. Birds I can tolerate. They are not so big as men."
+
+"But they hop quicker and eat more for their size," said the worm.
+
+"Not slugs, they don't eat slugs. We have a treaty with the birds, you
+know."
+
+"Was it signed?" asked the worm.
+
+"There was no need. You see it is a matter of convenience. We don't
+get eaten, and the birds don't get their beaks slimy."
+
+"Convenience is a great thing," said the worm, "but it isn't
+everything. Well, good-bye; I am going in till the bird goes."
+
+"And I am staying out till the man comes."
+
+"Slugs are nasty slimy things," said the thrush, "but in these hard
+times one must eat what one can get," and he swallowed the slug with a
+wry face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WELL-MEANT.
+
+Extract from a New Zealand school-boy's letter:--
+
+"We also had songs, the College song, and the Harrow School song, for
+the special benifit (_sic_) of the Governor, who is an Etonian."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed
+without result_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
+
+_Voice from below_. "ONE OF THE CYLINDERS IS MISSING, SIR."
+
+_Commander_. "WELL, LOOK SHARP AND FIND THE BALLY THING--WE WANT TO
+GET ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I was some way into _Thorgills of Treadholt_ (WARD, LOCK), thinking
+what an unusually plausible and imaginative yarn it was, when I turned
+back for possible enlightenment, and found a note to the effect that
+it was a transcription of an Icelandic saga. Those old fellows knew
+their business. I am not sagacious enough to guess where Mr. MAURICE
+HEWLETT has passed beyond transcription to creation, but I can tell
+you that he offers his readers a very charming and finished piece of
+work. Boys of all ages should delight in this record of the fights and
+wanderings and stout diplomacy of the chieftain _Thorgills_, who was
+destined from his cradle to be a notable leader of men. His marriage
+with _Thorey_ was a romance of as exquisite a flavour as any that our
+sophisticated age can show, and its tragic end wrings the heart with
+its infinite pathos. By some singular discretion Mr. HEWLETT has
+chosen to eschew the least approach to Wardour-Street idiom, and
+this gives the narrative a simplicity, a sanity and a vivid sense of
+reality which are extraordinarily more effective than the goodliest
+tushery, of which flamboyant art Mr. HEWLETT is no mean master. I
+am sure he has chosen this time a more excellent way. There are
+transcriptions and transcriptions. This is brilliantly done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I cannot help regretting that Miss RHODA BROUGHTON has not thought fit
+to publish her total fictional tonnage (if without disrespect I may
+employ a metaphor of the moment) on the title-page of her latest
+volume. Certainly the tale of her output must by this time reach
+impressive dimensions. And the wonder is that _A Thorn in the Flesh_
+(STANLEY PAUL) betrays absolutely no evidence of staleness. If the
+outlook here is a thought less romantic than in certain novels that
+drew sighs from my adolescent breast, this is a change inherent in
+the theme. For the matter of the present work is a study in conjugal
+tedium. _Parthenope_ (name of ill-omen) was one of those unhappy and
+devastating beings who go through life fated to bore their nearest
+and dearest to the verge of lunacy. So that her marriage to poor
+well-meaning _Willy Steele_ had not endured for more than a matter of
+weeks before the wretched man fled from his newly-made nest, with the
+heart-cry (uttered to _Parthenope's_ female relatives, themselves
+too sympathetic to resent it), "I cannot stand her any longer!"
+This unfortunate _débâcle_ is very ingeniously contrasted with the
+courtship of another couple, immune from the curse; and the whole
+story is as fresh as it is amusing. Perhaps it might have been told in
+fewer words; at times the slender theme seems a trifle overladen. But
+probably your true Broughtonians (who must be reckoned in thousands)
+would condemn such a suggestion as heresy; and, if they be satisfied,
+as they certainly will be, then all is well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is a tribute at once to the art of her treatment and the actuality
+of her theme that, after reading the delicate little study of modern
+romance that ELIZABETH ROBINS PENNELL calls _The Lovers_ (HEINEMANN),
+I cannot determine whether the clever writer was reproducing or
+inventing--she begins so convincingly with the statement that it was
+her first chapter, itself an article in _The Century_, describing the
+life of The Lovers as she watched it from her window, that brought
+about her friendship with the originals, and thus her knowledge of
+their further history. Anyhow, true or not, it is the kind of story
+that has been going on all round us in these days of love and heroism.
+Mrs. PENNELL first began to watch her pair of _amoureux_ in their
+attic, which was overlooked from her higher window (most readers
+could probably make a shrewd guess at its postal district) in those
+seemingly so distant years when the young champions of artistic London
+used to meet at a certain _café_, wonderfully clad, to consume vast
+quantities of milk. Then came the War; the boy-husband enlisted, went
+to the Front--and the end is as we all have known it many and many
+times. In this little book the too familiar story is given with a
+restraint and absence of striving after effect that leave me, as I
+say, uncertain whether its appeal is due to art or actuality. But in
+either case Mrs. PENNELL has told it very well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Father, what is the difference between Tories and Radicals?"
+"Radicals, my dear, are the infamous crew who wish to destroy all the
+noble institutions for which the Tories would give their life-blood."
+"And which are you, Father?" I have inflicted this ancient (and, I
+always think, rather touching) scrap of dialogue upon you because it
+exactly illustrates my impression of _The Soul of Ulster_ (HURST
+AND BLACKETT). In other words, this little book, written as ably and
+attractively as you would expect from the author of _The First Seven
+Divisions_, is really less a dispassionate survey of the Home Rule
+difficulty than a piece of special pleading for the Northern cause.
+According, therefore, to your own attitude towards this problem will
+characters occupies her rural stage--an old grandmother, be your
+estimate of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S arguments. To the bigoted (or
+confirmed) Orangeman they will seem revelation; to the confirmed (or
+bigoted) Nationalist they will as clearly seem rubbish. Even I, who
+admit the justice of the author's contentions, fancied now and again
+(as in the matter of the "Peep-o'-Day Boys," for example) that a
+slightly more generous admission of faults on his own side would have
+strengthened the presentation of his case. One of the most interesting
+chapters of a quite short volume is that in which the author explains
+his belief, at first rather startling, that the eventual solution of
+the vexed question may be provided through the Sinn Fein movement.
+That hope, and the reasons for it, are certainly alone worth the
+half-crown for which you can examine them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM TWENTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS A WEEK.' NOW, SIR, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO LEAVE MY PRESENT
+OCCUPATION AND TAKE UP FARM-WORK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SERGE AKSAKOFF, a distinguished Russian writer of the first half of
+the nineteenth century, gave the world a portrait of his grandfather.
+It is now translated with a singular felicity by Mr. J.D. DUFF, under
+the title, _A Russian Gentleman_ (ARNOLD), and I should like to say
+that I, who have suffered something from translations out of the
+Russian, have very rarely read one which ran with such plausible
+smoothness and gave so clear an impression of a charming original.
+STEFAN MIHAILOVITCH BAGROFF was reckoned a good sort and a just
+if rather uncompromising man. His character is drawn with faithful
+exactness and praised with simple filial appreciation. The foibles
+of this worthy patriarch, such as the dragging of his wife along the
+floor when he was excessively annoyed, so that she went with her head
+bound for a year thereafter, are excused on the ground of his general
+decency. And indeed he was a lovable old boy, and the simple and
+unselfconscious artistry with which the author develops his character,
+and that of his daughter-in-law, SOFYA NIKOLAYEVNA, delights the jaded
+literary palate. AKSAKOFF has a quite singular power of selecting just
+the incident, the phrase, the gesture, the feature of the landscape
+which make you exclaim with a start, "Why, I'm seeing and hearing all
+this!" It is such a book as an historian of the modern school would
+delight in, more engrossing than fiction of the most realistic type.
+There is incident in it too--as of the degenerate KUROLYESSOFF, a
+cousin-in-law of MIHAILOVITCH, who used to flog his serfs, sometimes
+to death, for the pleasure of seeing them suffer; while the opening
+pages, describing the trekking of the family out of far-eastern
+Orenburg into the adjoining province of Ufa, and the building of the
+mill and the dam, are astonishingly vivid and agreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Maid o' Dorset_ (CASSELL) can be recommended to anyone in need of
+light refreshment after a course of sterner literature. Here we are
+back again in the world of small things; but if "M.E. FRANCIS'S" theme
+is trivial there is no denying the art with which she handles it.
+Just a quartette of characters occupies her rural stage--an old
+grandmother, wise with the wisdom of years, her granddaughter, a
+middle-aged farmer and a young gipsy "dairy-chap." To the horror of
+her relations the Maid o' Dorset conceives an infatuation for the
+gipsy, a clever rogue but no match for the grandmother. I have met
+a good many farmers in my time, but never one so simple-minded as
+_Solomon Blanchard_. It is all very Franciscan, and seems easy enough,
+but if you think, for that reason, that you could do it yourself, you
+couldn't. Its charm lies in its fragrance, and that is a quality which
+is not lightly come by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES.
+
+"The majority of the Russian soldiers are not so naif as, after having
+deposed the Tsar, to set to work for the King of Prussia.
+
+"Note.--'Travailler from le Rois des Prusses' is the French colloquial
+equivalent for 'To work for nothing.'"--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAINT PRAISE.
+
+"Commander Wedgwood said there was no newspaper in this country--not
+even the _Daily Mail_--which had not printed during the three years of
+war something to which objection could not be taken."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+152, MAY 9, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 15330-8.txt or 15330-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May
+9, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: March 11, 2005  [eBook #15330]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***</p>
+<br /><br /><h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown,<br />
+                and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4><br /><br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 9, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297"
+       id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all
+    the Royal Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The
+    original plan of protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving
+    the Front further West has been definitely abandoned.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> informs us that the late
+    BISSING was a "veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is
+    wondering who started this scandal.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the
+    Mercantile Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the
+    official figures that the Press has been clamouring for, the
+    bread tickets will come none too soon.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by
+    hand on a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients
+    appear to take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even
+    been understood to suggest that it seems rather a waste of
+    milk.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates
+    responsibility for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch
+    village of Zierikzee, on the ground that, notwithstanding
+    repeated warnings to abandon the unneutral practice, the
+    village persisted in looking like a portion of the Isle of
+    Wight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army.
+    Our own military authorities, on the other hand, declare that
+    it would be unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive
+    genius of the young soldier has so much scope.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their
+    wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity
+    behind their dadoes.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre
+    tickets several lifelong supporters of the British drama have
+    already requested leading managers to take their names off the
+    free list.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that
+    for two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to
+    catch a certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in
+    securing it. We understand that the trout died with a smile on
+    his face.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America
+    seems to be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York
+    the other day only three of the spectators were injured.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated
+    that he was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as
+    cashier and costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean
+    and made himself generally useful." It is just as well that
+    they added the last item, or people might have thought he was
+    one of those slackers we hear to much about.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising
+    his position and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN
+    PRINCE GEORGE. It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN
+    PRINCE GEORGE will abdicate.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week
+    for pearls. It is thought that official action will have to be
+    taken to combat the belief, widely held in munition-making
+    circles, that pearls dissolved in champagne are beneficial to
+    the complexion.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals,"
+    writes a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We
+    appreciate this generous attempt to shield his superiors, but
+    cling to our belief that the worst criminals are still a good
+    way behind the German lines.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA,
+    has just been married. The bride has promised to obey him.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide
+    to declare peace on America.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire
+    cheese is as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to
+    state whether these cheeses make good pets and are fond of
+    children.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers'
+    Association, and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the
+    paper supply Mr. CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he
+    will not write more than two novels per week.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to
+    accept "substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a
+    London <i>caf&eacute;</i>, asked if they had any prussic acid,
+    and, when told that they never kept it, remarked, "Very well.
+    Bring me a pork pie."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia
+    Field Force. No request was forwarded for flies.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Dealing with IBSEN'S <i>Ghosts</i> at the Kingsway Theatre,
+    the critic of a halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a
+    "medley of weird psychopathy and symbolism." Just as if he were
+    writing for a penny paper.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for
+    "masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are
+    now getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the
+    new regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in
+    the past have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run
+    over by motor cars will be hard hit.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the
+    Slate Club Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this
+    year.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/297.png"
+             alt="NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE TO-NIGHT." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>"NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE
+        TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT
+        FEET."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298"
+       id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span>
+
+    <h2>STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O not because my taste for bread</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tended to make me much too stout,</p>
+
+            <p>And all the leading doctors said</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I should be better far without;</p>
+
+            <p>Not that my health may be more rude,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">More svelte my rounded style of
+            beauty,</p>
+
+            <p>I sacrifice this staple food&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But from a sense of duty!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I "can no other" when I think</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of how the Hun, docile and meek,</p>
+
+            <p>Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And only strikes, say, once a week;</p>
+
+            <p>If he for all these months has stood</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sorry fare they feed the brute
+            on,</p>
+
+            <p>I hope that I can be as good</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A patriot as your Teuton.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Henceforth I spurn the dear delight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That went so well with jam or cheese;</p>
+
+            <p>No turn of mine shall wear the white</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Flour of a shameless life of ease;</p>
+
+            <p>Others may pass one loaf in three,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Some rather more than that, and some
+            less,</p>
+
+            <p>But I&mdash;the only course for me&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Go absolutely crumbless.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So, when I quit this mortal strife,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Men on my grave these lines shall
+            score:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Much as he loved the Staff of Life</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He loved his country even more;</p>
+
+            <p>He needed no compelling ban;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">England, in fact, had but to ask it,</p>
+
+            <p>And he surrendered, like a man,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The claims of his bread-basket."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="ctr">O.S.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DIPLOMATIC NOTES.</h2>
+
+    <p>The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to
+    advices from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though
+    curiously enough a strange cloud of silence hangs over recent
+    (and coming) events in Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to
+    construct a fleet, despite the fact that the absence of a
+    seaboard is being made a reason for sinister opposition in
+    pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her soldiers,
+    but her gun is still under repair.</p>
+
+    <p>Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to
+    over-estimate the value of this new adhesion to the Allied
+    cause. The standing army is well over six hundred strong, and
+    there is a small but modern fleet, consisting of two revenue
+    cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes (mounted with two pairs
+    of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee class). The
+    President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate,
+    declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in
+    vain." Se&ntilde;ora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast
+    the only vote against war. "I cannot," she sobbed.</p>
+
+    <p>Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a
+    mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a
+    counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is
+    feared. Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be
+    felt. Here, owing to the new r&eacute;gime of blubber-cards,
+    Eskimo opinion is in a very nervous state. Indeed, according to
+    an inspired semi-official utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese
+    Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it is not too much to say that
+    almost anything may, or may not, happen in this Arctic
+    quarter.</p>
+
+    <p>The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced
+    in all public places, and even whispering is forbidden at
+    street corners. More than two-thirds of the population are
+    spies. Relatives are only allowed to speak to each other if
+    granted a special licence or talking-ticket by the
+    Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special dispensation for
+    mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty goats on
+    Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is blowing;
+    whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels
+    were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious
+    dredging operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a
+    Berne correspondent. The future is big with presage.</p>
+
+    <p>All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which
+    still stand aside from the maelstr&ouml;m of war. The position
+    in Ethiopia is, to say the least of it, tendentious, and at any
+    moment the natives may change their skin. The coronation of the
+    new Empress of Abyssinia is being followed as usual by the
+    great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which an important
+    pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover (from a
+    private source in Trondhjem, <i>vi&acirc;</i> Mecca and
+    Amsterdam), that Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch
+    pro-Ally, is expected to speak with no uncertain voice.
+    Unfortunately serious liquorice riots have broken out in the
+    capital, and these are being cunningly used by German agents to
+    turn popular discontent against the Allies. Fr&auml;ulein von
+    Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin Envoy,
+    is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of
+    "Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable
+    correspondent of <i>The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer</i>
+    telegraphs (<i>vi&acirc;</i> Tomsk) that she only escaped
+    lynching by distributing her treasure to the mob.</p>
+
+    <p>In a similar way economic issues are determining the
+    attitude of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The
+    new Food Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the
+    situation, and the yak ration has again been reduced. It
+    behoves British diplomacy to see that the ensuing discontent is
+    not turned into Germanophil currents. Where is our Foreign
+    Office? What is being done? We are in the third year of the War
+    and yet, while the German Minister is distributing free
+    arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be
+    nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the
+    Thibetan field-strength only last week, and that the Government
+    dinghy is already watertight.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Later</i>. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of
+    Stark Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per
+    cent. The new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting
+    unit.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h3>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of
+    Paintings, Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief
+    British artists of the day and of earlier schools, which is
+    being organised, by licence of the Board of Trade, in aid of
+    the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors.
+    These works of art (including many by Mr. Punch's artists) will
+    be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held this week at the
+    Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause. After May
+    10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for the
+    Lottery (5<i>s.</i>) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton
+    Parkes, The Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W.
+    The drawing of the Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th
+    at St. Dunstan's Hostel, Regent's Park.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of
+    "Lamp Day," which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May
+    11th, and in the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE
+    NIGHTINGALE. The proceeds are to be divided between the Women's
+    Service Bureau, which registers and trains women for national
+    employment, and the Scottish Women's Hospitals, whose London
+    units are doing gallant work with the Serbian division of the
+    Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a cause that would
+    have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp," devoted
+    pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field. Those
+    who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a
+    little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY,
+    16, Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be
+    crossed "London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria
+    Branch."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299"
+       id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/299.png"
+             alt="DONNERWETTER." /></a>
+
+        <h3>DONNERWETTER.</h3>
+
+        <p>HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER
+        FOR ME!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300"
+       id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/300.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/300.png"
+             alt="I WON'T 'ARF GIVE 'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER&mdash;LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Lidy</i> (<i>referring to Court Rival</i>). "I WON'T
+        'ARF GIVE 'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER&mdash;LEARNIN' 'ER
+        BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST MY DOOR SUCKIN'
+        <i>SUGAR</i>&mdash;LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TOLD TO THE MARINES.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O' 'Is Majesty's Marine</p>
+
+            <p>Told in the mess 'bout seven bells&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot;</p>
+
+            <p>An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's
+            not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But it easily might 'ave been.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' the vessel wot I was on</p>
+
+            <p>Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;</p>
+
+            <p>I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat</p>
+
+            <p>To get some thread for the skipper's coat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And feeling a trifle queer,</p>
+
+            <p>When somethin' grated agin the side;</p>
+
+            <p>I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;</p>
+
+            <p>'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"When suddenly close on my starboard beam,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With scarcely a foot between</p>
+
+            <p>(I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),</p>
+
+            <p>Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake</p>
+
+            <p>Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of a big 'Un submarine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,</p>
+
+            <p>For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark</p>
+
+            <p>With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin'
+            clear&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I saw 'is cruel little eye</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A-swivellin' stem to starn;</p>
+
+            <p>'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'</p>
+
+            <p>So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit</p>
+
+            <p>And lashed it fast in place with a bit,</p>
+
+            <p>Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a
+            stone,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which wos all that the blighter could
+            do,</p>
+
+            <p>An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;</p>
+
+            <p>I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,</p>
+
+            <p>An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The same as I'm tellin' you.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Till I felt my cheeks go warm,</p>
+
+            <p>For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is
+            frown;</p>
+
+            <p>Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;</p>
+
+            <p>'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Do you call that uniform?.'</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which is wot she 'as always bin,</p>
+
+            <p>You may do your dooty as well as me,</p>
+
+            <p>But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same</p>
+
+            <p>Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which is Service Discipline."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Polygamists.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and
+        orchids."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page301"
+       id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/301.png"
+             alt="WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST." /></a>
+
+        <h3>WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.</h3>
+
+        <p>POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL
+        TO PLEAD FOR EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>DOCKING THE DRAMA.</h3>
+
+    <p>It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for
+    restricting the consumption of artificial illuminant, the
+    authorities propose drastically to curtail the duration of
+    theatrical entertainments. Should this prove to be the case, we
+    venture to anticipate certain further regulations that may
+    shortly be added to those already printed upon the
+    programmes:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the
+    two-and-a-half hours' traffic of the stage to one
+    hour-and-a-half. With this purpose it is enacted
+    that&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the
+    commencement of the action will be permitted in the dialogue.
+    All such particulars as may be essential to an understanding of
+    the plot must be legibly printed upon the programmes.</p>
+
+    <p>(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in
+    quitting the stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden
+    (provided always that nothing in this section shall apply to
+    the case of an actor-manager when surrendering heroine to
+    youthful rival).</p>
+
+    <p>(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be
+    instantly suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.</p>
+
+    <p>(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one
+    illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to
+    exceed three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.</p>
+
+    <p>In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us
+    with the following scale of allowances and restrictions under a
+    new clause of the Defence of the Realm Act:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>DRAMA.&mdash;The duration of the employment of limelight in
+    Drama may be as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one
+    beam for a reasonable period not to exceed one minute.</p>
+
+    <p>For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two
+    minutes; supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent
+    to same.</p>
+
+    <p>Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam,
+    two-and-a-half minutes.</p>
+
+    <p>FARCE AND COMEDY.&mdash;It is regretted that, in view of the
+    situation, no allowances of limelight can at present be
+    sanctioned.</p>
+
+    <p>MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.&mdash;Patriotic or Hortatory Songs
+    may be accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance
+    for encore verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be
+    supported by a recommendation from the particular Government
+    Department, War Office. Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions,
+    extolled in the proposed ballad.)</p>
+
+    <p>Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of
+    (apparently) two full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of
+    reduced candle-power, thus combining realism with economy.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Mysteries of Arboriculture.</h4>
+
+    <p>From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Practise thinning in the winter time and
+        head back in the summer. A tree can be kept bearing
+        practically regular crops. Of course, it is impossible to
+        keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but, of
+        course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing a full
+        crop regularly. Wonders can be done by this system of
+        pruning."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We can well believe this.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46
+        figs. 1s. 6d. net."&mdash;"<i>Times" Literary
+        Supplement</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth
+    the money.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page302"
+       id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span>
+
+    <h2>HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how
+    to solve the food problem than other papers are.</p>
+
+    <p>The following six letters have been selected with care from
+    some thousand and three received during the week. The others
+    are at the service of any enterprising editor, or Lord
+    DEVONPORT can have them if he will send a waggon to take them
+    away. They should make pleasant week-end reading.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;What we plain men want to know and what we are
+    entitled to know is&mdash;What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What
+    does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat? What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It
+    would make a vast difference to the success of the food
+    campaign if each of these administrators was visible at his
+    meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a prominent
+    shop window should be taken for each, and they should have
+    their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+    COMMON SENSE.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;If the Food Economy posters were more carefully
+    thought out the trick would be done. I suggest, for example,
+    something really pithy and witty, such as&mdash;</p>
+
+    <table summary="Eat-less Days"
+           align="center"
+           border="2"
+           cellpadding="16">
+        <tr>
+            <td>
+                <h4>IT IS NOT ENOUGH</h4>
+
+                <h5>FOR</h5>
+
+                <h4>ONE OR TWO DAYS</h4>
+
+                <h5>TO BE</h5>
+
+                <h3>MEATLESS DAYS.</h3>
+
+                <h5>YOU SHOULD SEE</h5>
+
+                <h4>THAT ALL DAYS</h4>
+
+                <h5>ARE</h5>
+
+                <h3>EAT-LESS DAYS.</h3>
+            </td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <p>Something like that would soon drive the fear of England
+    into the [unprintable word] Germans.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+    DOWNRIGHT.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">TO MASTER THE ROLLS.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;My experience is that all rolls are too big. I
+    personally can get through a meal comfortably with only half
+    the fat roll that is automatically put before me at most of the
+    restaurants. Let Lord DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the
+    size, and the difference both in consumption and waste will be
+    enormous. At a dinner-party which I attended the other evening,
+    not, Sir, a hundred miles from your own office, the excessive
+    size of the rolls was the subject of much comment. No one
+    should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread. It should
+    be doled out in the smallest doses.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+    OBSERVER.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">THE USE OF ABUSE.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;The real trouble with the food economy campaign
+    is that ordinary people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got
+    into the habit of not believing the daily papers, do not
+    realise what their enemy and the chief enemy of the country at
+    this moment is&mdash;I mean the German submarine. In order to
+    get this fact into their intelligence I suggest that free
+    classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which,
+    instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!"
+    and so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U)
+    boat!" in every dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young
+    might also be thus instructed.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+    FAR SIGHTED.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">WRIT SARCASTIC.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I have an infallible plan for diminishing the
+    consumption of good food, at any rate among Members of the
+    Government. Let them give up all other forms of nutriment and
+    eat their own words. The PRIME MINISTER might begin. I am,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+     ORGANISED OPPOSITION.</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I am told that there are people so lost to shame
+    that they are still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and
+    all the other appeals to their patriotism, eating as usual. I
+    suggest that they be branded as the "Alimentary Canaille."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br />
+    DISGUSTED.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best
+        speeches in the moist manner."&mdash;<i>British
+        Weekly</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry
+    speakers.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon.
+        member should have thought it worth while to make a point
+        of that sort. Surely he knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium
+        facit perse.'"&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The maxim seems to have jammed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War
+        Cabinet is both executive and consultative, its functions
+        being regulated by the nature of the subject of the Bandman
+        Opera Coy.'"&mdash;<i>The Empire</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its
+    advertised programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we
+    feel confident that Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TROOP HORSES.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Through lingering long months idle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They have kept you ready and fit,</p>
+
+            <p>All shining from hock to bridle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All burnished from hoof to bit;</p>
+
+            <p>The set of your silk coat's beauty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The lie of its lightest hair,</p>
+
+            <p>Was an anxious trooper's duty</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And a watchful captain's care.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Not the keenest eye could discover</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sign of the sloth on you,</p>
+
+            <p>From the last mane-lock laid over</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To the last nail tight in the shoe;</p>
+
+            <p>A blast, and your ranks stood ready;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A shout, and your saddles filled;</p>
+
+            <p>A wave, and your troop was ready</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To wheel where the leaders willed.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was your confident Colonel's pride,</p>
+
+            <p>And the faith of the lads&mdash;"Our luck'll</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Come back when the Spring winds
+            ride;"</p>
+
+            <p>And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They dragged their spurs in the mire,</p>
+
+            <p>Till the Western Front woke slowly</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And they won to their hearts' desire.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They loose you now to the labours</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That the needs of the hour reveal,</p>
+
+            <p>And you carry the proud old sabres</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To cross with a tarnished steel;</p>
+
+            <p>So, steady&mdash;and keep position&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And stout be your hearts to-day,</p>
+
+            <p>As you shoulder the old tradition</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And charge in the ancient way!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="ctr">W.H.O.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>MORE ZOO NOTES.</h3>
+
+    <p>Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on
+    account of the presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that
+    Mr. POCOCK, who has so successfully brought the Zoo's rations
+    into conformity with war conditions, might probably persuade
+    the animal to live on hemp seed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were
+    effected without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus
+    demanded a pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the
+    belief that they were some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears
+    to have been baseless.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the
+    Insect House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning
+    fur coats have offered them a good home.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since
+    the all-red root has been denied them they protest against
+    being called birds of paradise, and wish to be known simply as
+    "birds."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page303"
+       id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/303.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/303.png"
+             alt="OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS" /></a>
+
+        <h3>OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS;</h3>OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS
+        PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page304"
+       id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/304.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/304.png"
+             alt="'USH, GINGER&mdash;YOU'LL GIVE THE TOWN A BAD NAME." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Private Saunders</i> (<i>whose battalion, having been
+        sent back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to
+        spend the night in the street, its billets being still
+        occupied by other troops&mdash;to cheery pal, who breaks
+        into song</i>). "'USH, GINGER&mdash;YOU'LL GIVE THE TOWN A
+        BAD NAME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="ctr">(<i>With apologies to the seers of the Sunday
+    papers</i>.)</p>
+
+    <p>A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there,
+    but I must not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But
+    even the Censor can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was
+    connected with a naval success of peculiar brilliance which
+    must be suppressed because we wish to keep the Bosches
+    guessing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as
+    being in attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually
+    supposed to have addressed a public meeting in England when in
+    reality he was hundreds of miles away? I make no statement; I
+    merely write the word "Austria." To those who understand it
+    will be enough.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news
+    from the Port of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be
+    surprised to hear in a few weeks that the Port of Danzig has
+    ceased to exist.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is grave trouble at Scotland Yard. A Hun Colonel
+    captured at Arras was found to have in his pocket a receipted
+    bill from a London hotel of the previous week's date. It would
+    surprise you very much if I told you at which hotel "Mr.
+    Perkins" stayed and what guests he entertained there.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Why did the Liberian envoy call at the Foreign Office six
+    times last week? His explanation, offered to an inquiring
+    Pressman, that he had lost an umbrella, was naive, to say the
+    least. I must not betray what I know, but I may hint that KING
+    FERDINAND of Bulgaria is famous for the devious ways in which
+    he carries on negotiations.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A neutral diplomatist of considerable importance has never
+    taken a holiday since the War began, and has always told his
+    friends that he will never leave his post till peace comes. On
+    an afternoon this week he was seen with beaming face buying a
+    travelling rug and two portable trunks at one of London's
+    largest emporia. I wonder&mdash;yes, I wonder.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>[<i>The Editor</i>. You are not very spicy this week.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Contributor</i>. Nor would you be if you had been
+    confined to the house at Peckham Rye with influenza. Better
+    work next week. I have an appointment to lunch with a member of
+    the National Liberal Club and shall get right to the heart of
+    things.]</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Extract from Army Orders at the Front:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the
+        Heavy Artillery. Please make arrangements for him to be
+        accommodated in the &mdash;&mdash; Heavy Battery Horse
+        Lines."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a
+    Canon's stall.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"As approved up to date, the bread ticket
+        will comprise four squares, each entitling the holder to
+        purchase two ounces of bread; or, by presenting the whole
+        ticket, two quartern loaves of 4 lb.
+        each."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has
+    already decided to present the whole ticket.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a letter by "Retired Diplomat" on "Maize
+    Bread":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>"To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be
+        separated from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and
+        the latter alone retained for baking
+        purposes."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>As in these days no means of increasing the supply of
+    food-stuffs should be neglected, we have much pleasure in
+    passing on "Retired Diplomat's" suggestion to the authorities
+    of the Zoo. Personally we prefer Cockatoo <i>en
+    casserole</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page305"
+       id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/305.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/305.png"
+             alt="THE PRICE OF VICTORY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE PRICE OF VICTORY.</h3>"WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN'T
+        DO THAT MUCH, WE DON'T DESERVE TO WIN."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, April 30th.</i>&mdash;After this week Newmarket
+    will be "a blasted heath," for all horse-racing is to be
+    stopped. Irish Members could hardly believe the dreadful news.
+    What are the hundred thousand young men who refuse to for their
+    country to do with their spare time?</p>
+
+    <p>Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased. Mr.
+    DUNCAN MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their
+    national beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of
+    their national food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats
+    for high-mettled racers would mean more "parritch" for humble
+    constituents.</p>
+
+    <p>There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully
+    fulfilled the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir
+    CLEMENT KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary
+    career he must have already cost the country a pretty penny in
+    extra pay and pensions to the "mateys" and "matlows" of
+    Devonport. Latterly he has given the Admiralty a rest and has
+    devoted himself to strafing the Home Office for its alleged
+    tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at
+    Princetown&mdash;a race of sturdy beggars, according to his
+    account, who live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get
+    leave periodically to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings,
+    and, worst of all, invade his constituency in their leisure
+    hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN, who represents the neighbouring
+    borough of Plymouth, supported this indictment, and added the
+    amazing detail that one of the Princetown pacifists was an
+    ex-pugilist.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page306"
+       id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/306-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/306-1.png"
+             alt="THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE." />
+             </a>THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE.
+
+        <p><i>The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND</i> (<i>together</i>).
+        "AFTER YOU, SIR."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two
+    men least likely to engage in personal violence I should have
+    thought myself safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr.
+    JOSEPH KING. The former is so devoted to animals that he would
+    not turn upon a worm; the thought of bloodshed so shocks the
+    latter that he welcomes any suggestion of peace however
+    illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a proposal of Sir
+    GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant knight
+    promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House;
+    and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet
+    the hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he
+    likes." If the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue
+    Books at forty yards would have been the choice; but, happily,
+    peace was soon afterwards restored.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, May 1st.</i>&mdash;Some of our super-patriots
+    have no luck. Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the
+    British Vice-Consul at Riga was a gentleman with the suspicious
+    name of WISKEMANN, thought that he had got hold of a sure
+    thing&mdash;not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but certainly
+    one of the phalanges. And then down came Lord ROBERT CECIL with
+    the information that the gentleman in question was not only
+    British-born but was a product of Wellington and Cambridge, and
+    a public servant in whom the Foreign Office had the utmost
+    confidence. "Foiled again," muttered HICKS to JOYNSON, "but a
+    time will come!"</p>
+
+    <p>Like the retired soap-boiler who always looked in on
+    melting-days Lord HARCOURT could not resist the attraction of
+    the Office of Works' Vote. He never displayed his ability more
+    signally than in the rapidity and ease with which he used as
+    First Commissioner to get his Estimates through the House. It
+    was a treat to hear him poking fun at the bores, demolishing
+    the captious and humouring the serious critics of his
+    administration. His present successor goes about his business
+    in a more stolid way. In his hands the rapier has become a
+    ploughshare. At first the few Members who stayed to listen
+    found him <i>Le Mond qui nous ennuie</i>, but he woke them up
+    later with the startling announcement that he can, if he likes,
+    with a stroke of the pen remove the ladies' grille, and admit
+    the fair visitors to a full view of the House, and, what is
+    more important, admit the House to a full view of the fair
+    visitors. For the moment, I gather, he means to hold his hand,
+    pending full consideration of all the changes that such a
+    revolution may involve. Besides, the SPEAKER may have to be
+    consulted, although up to the present he has exhibited no
+    desire to rush in where angels&mdash;bless them!&mdash;love to
+    tread.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/306-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/306-2.png"
+             alt="THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A RICH PRIZE." />
+        </a>THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A
+        RICH PRIZE.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, May 2nd.</i>&mdash;Curiosity to hear Mr. BONAR
+    LAW'S first Budget-speech caused a full House. The Peers
+    attended in force, and among the distinguished strangers was
+    "Dr. JIM," a man of action who, as a rule, takes little
+    interest in the men of talk.</p>
+
+    <p>The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S Budget statement was
+    praised by his predecessor for its ability and lucidity.
+    Personally, I thought rapidity was its most notable
+    characteristic. Unhampered by manuscript (save a couple of
+    sheets of notepaper containing a few of the principal figures)
+    and relying upon his exceptional memory, he rattled through his
+    thousand-million totals at such a pace that my panting pencil
+    toiled after him in vain. In seventy-five minutes by the clock
+    he spoke four solid columns of The Times.</p>
+
+    <p>As we have failed to drink ourselves out of our
+    difficulties, for the Excise returns show a steady falling off,
+    we <span class="pagenum"><a name="page307"
+       id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> are to do our bit towards
+       smoking ourselves out of them by paying 1<i>s.</i>
+       10<i>d.</i> a pound more on our tobacco. This last impost
+       constitutes a real piece of self-denial on the CHANCELLOR'S
+       part, for he is much addicted to cigars both long and
+       strong, somewhat resembling those which enabled Mr. W.J.
+       TRAVIS to carry off the Amateur Golf Championship to
+       America.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, May 3rd.</i>&mdash;The secrets of the Budget
+    were so well kept that Mr. LAW himself forgot the most
+    important of them until to-day. In future it will be a case of
+    "one man (or woman) one dog," unless the owner is prepared to
+    pay on an ascending scale for his extra pets. In our fight with
+    Germany we must neglect no precaution however small. To get the
+    KAISER back to his kennel we will, if necessary, empty our own.
+    Doggedness is essential to victory, but not over-doggedness.
+    Then let us, in CALVERLEY'S phrase, "curtail the already
+    cur-tailed cur."</p>
+    <br clear="all" />
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/307.png"
+             alt="A CADET'S DAY." /></a><b>A CADET'S DAY.</b>
+
+        <table summary="caption"
+               width="80%">
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left">9 A.M.&mdash;SAD BAGS.</td>
+
+                <td align="right">7 P.M.&mdash;GLAD RAGS.</td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A MINISTERIAL WAIL.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">["The most trenchant critics of the
+        Government since its formation have been Mr. PRINGLE and
+        Mr. HOGGE."&mdash;<i>British Weekly</i>].</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gipsy camping in a dingle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I reckon as a lucky dog;</p>
+
+            <p>He doesn't hear the voice of PRINGLE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He doesn't hear the snorts of HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The moujik crouching in his ingle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Somewhere near Tomsk or Taganrog</p>
+
+            <p>I envy; he is far from PRINGLE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And equally remote from HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I find them deadly when they're single,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But deadlier in the duologue,</p>
+
+            <p>When the insufferable PRINGLE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Backs the intolerable HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'd rather walk for miles on shingle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or flounder knee-deep in a bog</p>
+
+            <p>Than listen to a speech from PRINGLE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or hearken to the howls of HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Their tyrannous exactions mingle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The vices of Kings Stork and Log;</p>
+
+            <p>One day I give the palm to PRINGLE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The next I offer it to HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The style of <i>Mr. Alfred Jingle</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was jumpy, but he did not clog</p>
+
+            <p>His sense with woolly words, like PRINGLE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With priggish petulance, like HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'd love to see the <i>Bing Boys</i> bingle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To go to music-halls <i>incog.</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Instead of being posed by PRINGLE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And heckled by the hateful HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My appetite is gone; I "pingle"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(As Norfolk puts it) with my prog;</p>
+
+            <p>My meals are marred by thoughts of PRINGLE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My sleep is massacred by HOGGE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O patriots, with your nerves a-tingle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With all your righteous souls agog,</p>
+
+            <p>Will none of you demolish PRINGLE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And utterly extinguish HOGGE?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>OF MARGARINE: <i>C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le
+    beurre.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page308"
+       id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/308.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/308.png"
+             alt="I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Friend</i> (<i>to animal painter</i>). "I SAY, OLD
+        CHAP, YOU LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Artist</i>. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF
+        WORK."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Friend</i>. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2>
+
+    <p>IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful
+    of native troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini.</p>
+
+    <p>We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it
+    remained, languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of
+    Central African bush till sun-set, when we hauled it down
+    again&mdash;an arduous life. After we had been at M'Vini about
+    six months, had shot everything worth shooting, and knew one
+    another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher and I grew
+    bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and mere
+    propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our
+    separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct
+    necessity, and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a
+    further three months dragged on.</p>
+
+    <p>Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my
+    wattle-and-dab, bearing a note.</p>
+
+    <p>"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen;
+    think it must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and
+    mount guard&mdash;must impress the blighter."</p>
+
+    <p>I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and
+    sallied forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the
+    Army had gone to celebrate somebody's birthday in the
+    neighbouring village. However, I discovered one remaining
+    trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree. He was
+    sick&mdash;dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to
+    postpone his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned
+    his physician (the local witch doctor) and two camp followers,
+    and, leaving my cook-boy to valet them, dashed to my hut to
+    make my own toilet. A glimpse through the cane mats five
+    minutes later showed me that our visitors had arrived.</p>
+
+    <p>A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and
+    all) was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to
+    discover whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for
+    a quarter of an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him.
+    Then, at a given signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every
+    fal-lal he could collect, issued from his hut, and I turned out
+    the improvised guard. A stirring spectacle; and it had the
+    desired effect, for the German afterwards admitted to being
+    deeply impressed, especially by the local wizard, who paraded
+    in his professional regalia, and, coming to cross-purposes with
+    his rifle, bayoneted himself and wept bitterly. The ceremonies
+    over and the casualty removed we adjourned to Frobisher's
+    <i>kya</i>, broached the whisky and sat about in solemn state,
+    stiff with accoutrements, sodden with perspiration. Our visitor
+    kept the Red, White and Black flying on a tree over the border,
+    he explained; this was his annual ceremonial call. He sighed
+    and brushed the sweat from his nose with the tips of a white
+    glove&mdash;"the weather was warm, <i>nicht wahr?</i>" I
+    admitted that we dabbled in flag-flying ourselves and that the
+    weather was all he claimed for it (which effort cost me about
+    four pounds in weight). Tongues lolling, flanks heaving, we
+    discussed the hut-tax, the melon crop, the monkey-nut market,
+    the nigger&mdash;and the weather again.</p>
+
+    <p>Suddenly Frobisher sprang up, cast loose the shackles of his
+    Sam Browne, hurled it into a corner, and began tearing at his
+    tunic hooks. I stared at him in amazement&mdash;such manners
+    before visitors. But our immaculate guest leapt to his feet
+    with a roar like a freed lion, and, stripping his white gloves,
+    flung them after the Sam Browne, whereupon a fury of undressing
+    came upon us. Helmets, belts, tunics, shirts were piled into
+    the corner, until at length we stood in our underclothes,
+    laughing and unashamed. After that we got on famously, that
+    Teuton and we, and three days later, when he swarmed aboard his
+    mule and left home (in pyjamas this time) it was with real
+    regret we waved him farewell.</p>
+
+    <p>But not for long. Within a month we were surprised by a hail
+    from the bush, and there was Otto, mule, pyjamas and all.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo!" he carolled. 'Ere gomes ze Sherman
+    invasion! Durn out ze guard!" He roared with laughter, fell off
+    his palfrey and bawled for his batman, who ambled up balancing
+    a square box on his woolly pate.</p>
+
+    <p>His mother in Munich had sent him a case of Lion Brew, Otto
+    explained, so he had brought it along.</p>
+
+    <p>We wassailed deep into that night and out the other side,
+    and we liked our Otto more than ever. We had plenty in common,
+    the same loneliness, fevers, climate, and niggers to wrestle
+    with; moreover he had been in England, and liked it; he smoked
+    a pipe; he washed. Also, as he privily confided to us in the
+    young hours of one morning, he had his doubts as to the
+    divinity of the KAISER, and was not quite convinced that
+    RICHARD STRAUSS had composed the music of the spheres.</p>
+
+    <p>He was a bad Hun (which probably accounted for his presence
+    at the uttermost, hottermost edge of the ALL-HIGHEST'S
+    dominions), but a good fellow. Anyhow, we liked him, Frobisher
+    and I; liked his bull-mouthed laughter, his drinking songs and
+    full-blooded anecdotes, and, on the occasions of his frequent
+    visits, put our boredom from us, pretended to be on the most
+    affectionate terms, and even laughed uproariously at each
+    other's funny stories. Up at M'Vini, in the long long-ago, the
+    gleam of pyjamas amongst the loquats, and "'Ere gomes ze
+    Sherman invasion!" booming through the bush, became a signal
+    for general good-will.</p>
+
+    <p>In the fulness of time Otto went home on leave, and, shortly
+    afterwards, the world blew up.</p>
+
+    <p>And now I have met him again, a sodden, muddy, bloody,
+    shrunken, saddened Otto, limping through a snowstorm in the
+    custody of a Canadian Corporal. He was the survivor of a
+    rear-guard, the Canuck explained, and had "scrapped like a bag
+    of wild-cats" until knocked out by a rifle butt. As for Otto
+    himself, he hadn't much to say; he looked old, cold, sick and
+    infinitely disgusted. He had always been a poor Hun.</p>
+
+    <p>Only once did he show a gleam of
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309"
+       id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> his ancient form of those
+       old hot, happy, pyjama days on the Equator.</p>
+
+    <p>A rabble of prisoners&mdash;J&auml;gers, Grenadiers, Uhlans,
+    what-nots&mdash;came trudging down the road, an unshorn,
+    dishevelled herd of cut-throats, propelled by a brace of
+    diminutive kilties, who paused occasionally to treat them to
+    snatches of flings and to hoot triumphantly.</p>
+
+    <p>Otto regarded his fallen compatriots with disgusted
+    lack-lustre eyes, then turning to me with a ghost of his old
+    smile, "'Ere gomes ze Sherman invasion," said he.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.</h3>
+
+    <h4>II.</h4>
+
+    <p>(<i>Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence, who was slightly
+    wounded through a lack of a proper sense of the rights of
+    rank.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence</p>
+
+            <p>Had no idea of precedence;</p>
+
+            <p>To him his Colonel was no more</p>
+
+            <p>Than any other messroom bore;</p>
+
+            <p>And he would try to make a pal</p>
+
+            <p>Not merely of a General,</p>
+
+            <p>But even a horrified non-com</p>
+
+            <p>He'd greet with "Tiddly-om-pom-pom!"</p>
+
+            <p>Although in other ways quite nice,</p>
+
+            <p>He was perverted by this vice.</p>
+
+            <p>For instance, once he had to tea</p>
+
+            <p>A private in the A.S.C.,</p>
+
+            <p>And asked to meet him Cathcart-Crewe,</p>
+
+            <p>A Major in the Horse Guards Blue.</p>
+
+            <p>Too frequently did it occur</p>
+
+            <p>That, when a senior officer</p>
+
+            <p>Was with him, he would up and take</p>
+
+            <p>Salutes from privates. Why, he'd shake</p>
+
+            <p>Even Sir DOUGLAS by the hand</p>
+
+            <p>And say, "Old chap, you're doing grand."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This sort of thing caused some distress</p>
+
+            <p>Among the members of his mess.</p>
+
+            <p>He often took the Colonel's chair;</p>
+
+            <p>He often flourished in the air</p>
+
+            <p>His water-glass (when wine was scanty),</p>
+
+            <p>And shouted, "Cheero, Adjutanty!"</p>
+
+            <p>You see, he simply had no sense</p>
+
+            <p>Of military precedence.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His regiment went out to France</p>
+
+            <p>To help a general advance.</p>
+
+            <p>Now in a minute they must hop</p>
+
+            <p>Like billy-o across the top.</p>
+
+            <p>Amid the din the Colonel said,</p>
+
+            <p>"It will be hellish overhead.</p>
+
+            <p>Machine-guns will let loose a jet</p>
+
+            <p>Of bullets on the parapet;</p>
+
+            <p>We'll meet a burst of rifle fire,</p>
+
+            <p>And, as for shells, I don't desire</p>
+
+            <p>To see in so confined a space</p>
+
+            <p>A thicker lot than we shall face.</p>
+
+            <p>Now, gentlemen, attend, I pray&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>When we attack, I lead the way!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now wouldn't anyone concur,</p>
+
+            <p>Saying at once, "With pleasure, Sir!"</p>
+
+            <p>Nor with undisciplined delight</p>
+
+            <p>Baulk the good Colonel of his right?</p>
+
+            <p>Not so young Spence. The moment came,</p>
+
+            <p>And, heedless of the cries of "Shame!"</p>
+
+            <p>He never offered <i>once</i> to wait</p>
+
+            <p>Until the Colonel, more sedate,</p>
+
+            <p>Had scrambled o'er the parapet,</p>
+
+            <p>But got there first&mdash;and promptly met</p>
+
+            <p>A bullet.... <i>Folk who arrogate</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>The privileges of the great</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Must take what ills thereto attach</i></p>
+
+            <p>(The Colonel never got a scratch).</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/309.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/309.png"
+             alt="OH, ALFRED&mdash;THE POTATO-PATCH!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Distracted Wife</i>. "OH, ALFRED&mdash;THE
+        POTATO-PATCH!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>"Kamerad!"</h4>
+
+    <p>"Baby Girl, 18 months, will surrender entirely to good
+    home."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"The Archdeacon of Stow thought it was a
+        good maxim not to argue with the huntsmen while shooting
+        the rabbits, and moved the previous
+        question."&mdash;<i>Morning Post</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If you want a real argument with a huntsman (of the
+    ante-bellum type) you should try shooting a fox.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Consecutive paragraphs from <i>The Continental Daily
+    Mail</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Mr. Arthur J. Balfour, like President
+        Wilson, is an ardent golfer. He has challenged Mr. Wilson
+        to a match, and the President of the United States
+        immediately took him up. The match will be played in a few
+        days.</p>
+
+        <p class="note">"'Every able-bodied man and woman found
+        golfing at the present time should be taken by the scruff
+        of the neck and made to do some work of national
+        importance,' said Mr. Waldie at the Edinburgh Parish
+        Council."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>So that's that.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page310"
+       id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span>
+
+    <h2>SCHOOL.</h2>
+
+    <p>During the past week there has taken place, almost without
+    our knowledge, a great migration of boys. From their homes, out
+    on to the roads and railways, has been pouring a flood of big
+    boys, middle-sized boys, small boys, old boys, new boys, all
+    tending towards the various schools where they are supposed to
+    make all the best parts of human knowledge their own and to
+    live a life of dignified abstraction from the troubles of the
+    world, in the midst of their own <i>argot</i> and their own
+    special traditions.</p>
+
+    <p>Of the big boys and the middle-sized boys I have little to
+    say. They are already imbued, if one may say so, with the
+    influence of their school, and can hold their own with the
+    masters and their fellow-boys. Much as they enjoy their
+    holidays, they show no undue reluctance to take up again the
+    burden of their studies at a place which they will afterwards
+    consider as having given them some of the happiest days of
+    their lives. Many of them indeed are already or are in process
+    of becoming the trusted coadjutors of the headmaster and his
+    colleagues in the work of maintaining good order and discipline
+    in the school. They are monitors&mdash;tremendous
+    word!&mdash;or prefects or pr&aelig;postors, and their <i>mitis
+    sapientia</i>, no less than their muscular strength, causes
+    them to be feared and venerated.</p>
+
+    <p>Of such awful beings one must not speak lightly lest some
+    terrific fate reserved for scoffers overtake one. No, my
+    concern at present is rather with the little boys who have gone
+    up for the first time to their preparatory school, those
+    forlorn scraps of humanity who are beginning a life entirely
+    new to them in all its details. Hitherto, except for visits to
+    the seaside with their parents and family, they have not spent
+    a night away from home. Now they are separated from their
+    parents and plunged into a world of perfect strangers.
+    Everything is done to make them at ease and comfortable in
+    their new surroundings; the headmaster is kindness itself, the
+    matron beams on them with smiles and fortifies them with
+    encouragement; but just at first the wrench for the little
+    fellows is great. In a day or two, however, they will begin to
+    acclimatise themselves; the strangeness will begin to wear off;
+    and having borne up bravely against their first sense of
+    loneliness in the midst of a crowd they will gradually become
+    parts of the machine to the making of which many gentle and
+    sympathising hands for years past have contributed.</p>
+
+    <p>"Schools are not what they were," says one of my friends.
+    "There is no bullying nowadays and little roughness of any
+    kind. Masters are not looked upon as the natural enemies of
+    boys. Corporal punishment, except for the gravest offences, is
+    abolished. Whereas, formerly, little boys were at once sucked
+    into the vortex of a Public School, there are now Preparatory
+    Schools, where Tommie and Dickie and Harry, aged from nine to
+    ten, learn the business of Public Schooling in a manner suited
+    to their age and capacity. When we were boys," he continues,
+    "these admirable buffer states were so few that they might
+    almost be said not to exist at all; they now flourish
+    everywhere. The path of the little boy is thus made easier for
+    him."</p>
+
+    <p>"But," I said, "is a little boy, then, never brought to a
+    sense of his unimportance by being physically, if not morally,
+    kicked? Is he to pass his life in a condition of Sybaritic
+    softness?"</p>
+
+    <p>"You need not," he said, "worry about that. Softness makes
+    no appeal to the average English boy."</p>
+
+    <p>When therefore, on a day in last week, it happened to me to
+    take a little boy I happen to know to his Preparatory School on
+    his first day of his first term there, I did so with no undue
+    depression. "Be a good boy," I said to him; "never tell a lie,
+    never push yourself forward, and don't swank about yourself."
+    It was good advice so far as it went, but it did not make any
+    great impression on him, for he only answered, "Of course," or
+    "Of course I shan't," to every item that I put before him. I
+    wonder how many fathers have recently inculcated these and
+    similar high-toned principles on their little boys, only to
+    meet with the same uninterested acquiescence. And even our
+    parting was not so dejected as it might have been, for by that
+    time another new boy had come upon the scene, and he and mine
+    had been irresistibly drawn to one another, and were chatting
+    gaily when it was time for me to go.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/310.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/310.png"
+             alt="THE CELEBRITY." /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE CELEBRITY.</h4>
+
+        <p>THIS IS BILLY SMIFF, 'IM WOT REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN
+        THERE WASN'T NO WAR.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>IX.</h4>
+
+    <h4>THE UNWRITTEN TREATY.</h4>
+
+    <p>"Be careful," said the worm to the slug, "there is one of
+    those nasty birds over there. What ugly things they are!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not half so ugly as men. Ugh!" said the slug.</p>
+
+    <p>"Men are big, not ugly. They don't eat worms."</p>
+
+    <p>"But they cut them in two with spades."</p>
+
+    <p>"Only by accident. There is nothing so ugly as a bloated
+    over-grown bird eating a slender delicate worm."</p>
+
+    <p>"Except," said the slug, "a monstrous man crushing a tender
+    slug under his clumsy hoofs. Birds I can tolerate. They are not
+    so big as men."</p>
+
+    <p>"But they hop quicker and eat more for their size," said the
+    worm.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not slugs, they don't eat slugs. We have a treaty with the
+    birds, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>"Was it signed?" asked the worm.</p>
+
+    <p>"There was no need. You see it is a matter of convenience.
+    We don't get eaten, and the birds don't get their beaks
+    slimy."</p>
+
+    <p>"Convenience is a great thing," said the worm, "but it isn't
+    everything. Well, good-bye; I am going in till the bird
+    goes."</p>
+
+    <p>"And I am staying out till the man comes."</p>
+
+    <p>"Slugs are nasty slimy things," said the thrush, "but in
+    these hard times one must eat what one can get," and he
+    swallowed the slug with a wry face.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Well-Meant.</h4>
+
+    <p>Extract from a New Zealand school-boy's letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"We also had songs, the College song, and the Harrow School
+    song, for the special benifit (<i>sic</i>) of the Governor, who
+    is an Etonian."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page311"
+       id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/311.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/311.png"
+             alt="WHAT'S THE MATTER?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Motor-Launch Officer</i> (<i>who has rung for
+        full-speed without result</i>). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Voice from below</i>. "ONE OF THE CYLINDERS IS
+        MISSING, SIR."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Commander</i>. "WELL, LOOK SHARP AND FIND THE BALLY
+        THING&mdash;WE WANT TO GET ON."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="ctr">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>I was some way into <i>Thorgills of Treadholt</i> (WARD,
+    LOCK), thinking what an unusually plausible and imaginative
+    yarn it was, when I turned back for possible enlightenment, and
+    found a note to the effect that it was a transcription of an
+    Icelandic saga. Those old fellows knew their business. I am not
+    sagacious enough to guess where Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT has passed
+    beyond transcription to creation, but I can tell you that he
+    offers his readers a very charming and finished piece of work.
+    Boys of all ages should delight in this record of the fights
+    and wanderings and stout diplomacy of the chieftain
+    <i>Thorgills</i>, who was destined from his cradle to be a
+    notable leader of men. His marriage with <i>Thorey</i> was a
+    romance of as exquisite a flavour as any that our sophisticated
+    age can show, and its tragic end wrings the heart with its
+    infinite pathos. By some singular discretion Mr. HEWLETT has
+    chosen to eschew the least approach to Wardour-Street idiom,
+    and this gives the narrative a simplicity, a sanity and a vivid
+    sense of reality which are extraordinarily more effective than
+    the goodliest tushery, of which flamboyant art Mr. HEWLETT is
+    no mean master. I am sure he has chosen this time a more
+    excellent way. There are transcriptions and transcriptions.
+    This is brilliantly done.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I cannot help regretting that Miss RHODA BROUGHTON has not
+    thought fit to publish her total fictional tonnage (if without
+    disrespect I may employ a metaphor of the moment) on the
+    title-page of her latest volume. Certainly the tale of her
+    output must by this time reach impressive dimensions. And the
+    wonder is that <i>A Thorn in the Flesh</i> (STANLEY PAUL)
+    betrays absolutely no evidence of staleness. If the outlook
+    here is a thought less romantic than in certain novels that
+    drew sighs from my adolescent breast, this is a change inherent
+    in the theme. For the matter of the present work is a study in
+    conjugal tedium. <i>Parthenope</i> (name of ill-omen) was one
+    of those unhappy and devastating beings who go through life
+    fated to bore their nearest and dearest to the verge of lunacy.
+    So that her marriage to poor well-meaning <i>Willy Steele</i>
+    had not endured for more than a matter of weeks before the
+    wretched man fled from his newly-made nest, with the heart-cry
+    (uttered to <i>Parthenope's</i> female relatives, themselves
+    too sympathetic to resent it), "I cannot stand her any longer!"
+    This unfortunate <i>d&eacute;b&acirc;cle</i> is very
+    ingeniously contrasted with the courtship of another couple,
+    immune from the curse; and the whole story is as fresh as it is
+    amusing. Perhaps it might have been told in fewer words; at
+    times the slender theme seems a trifle overladen. But probably
+    your true Broughtonians (who must be reckoned in thousands)
+    would condemn such a suggestion as heresy; and, if they be
+    satisfied, as they certainly will be, then all is well.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is a tribute at once to the art of her treatment and the
+    actuality of her theme that, after reading the delicate little
+    study of modern romance that ELIZABETH ROBINS PENNELL
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page312"
+       id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> calls <i>The Lovers</i>
+       (HEINEMANN), I cannot determine whether the clever writer
+       was reproducing or inventing&mdash;she begins so
+       convincingly with the statement that it was her first
+       chapter, itself an article in <i>The Century</i>, describing
+       the life of The Lovers as she watched it from her window,
+       that brought about her friendship with the originals, and
+       thus her knowledge of their further history. Anyhow, true or
+       not, it is the kind of story that has been going on all
+       round us in these days of love and heroism. Mrs. PENNELL
+       first began to watch her pair of <i>amoureux</i> in their
+       attic, which was overlooked from her higher window (most
+       readers could probably make a shrewd guess at its postal
+       district) in those seemingly so distant years when the young
+       champions of artistic London used to meet at a certain
+       <i>caf&eacute;</i>, wonderfully clad, to consume vast
+       quantities of milk. Then came the War; the boy-husband
+       enlisted, went to the Front&mdash;and the end is as we all
+       have known it many and many times. In this little book the
+       too familiar story is given with a restraint and absence of
+       striving after effect that leave me, as I say, uncertain
+       whether its appeal is due to art or actuality. But in either
+       case Mrs. PENNELL has told it very well.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Father, what is the difference between Tories and
+    Radicals?" "Radicals, my dear, are the infamous crew who wish
+    to destroy all the noble institutions for which the Tories
+    would give their life-blood." "And which are you, Father?" I
+    have inflicted this ancient (and, I always think, rather
+    touching) scrap of dialogue upon you because it exactly
+    illustrates my impression of <i>The Soul of Ulster</i> (HURST
+    AND BLACKETT). In other words, this little book, written as
+    ably and attractively as you would expect from the author of
+    <i>The First Seven Divisions</i>, is really less a
+    dispassionate survey of the Home Rule difficulty than a piece
+    of special pleading for the Northern cause. According,
+    therefore, to your own attitude towards this problem will
+    characters occupies her rural stage&mdash;an old grandmother,
+    be your estimate of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S arguments. To the
+    bigoted (or confirmed) Orangeman they will seem revelation; to
+    the confirmed (or bigoted) Nationalist they will as clearly
+    seem rubbish. Even I, who admit the justice of the author's
+    contentions, fancied now and again (as in the matter of the
+    "Peep-o'-Day Boys," for example) that a slightly more generous
+    admission of faults on his own side would have strengthened the
+    presentation of his case. One of the most interesting chapters
+    of a quite short volume is that in which the author explains
+    his belief, at first rather startling, that the eventual
+    solution of the vexed question may be provided through the Sinn
+    Fein movement. That hope, and the reasons for it, are certainly
+    alone worth the half-crown for which you can examine them.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/312.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/312.png"
+             alt="SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM" /></a>
+
+        <p>"SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM TWENTY-FIVE
+        SHILLINGS A WEEK.' NOW, SIR, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO LEAVE
+        MY PRESENT OCCUPATION AND TAKE UP FARM-WORK?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SERGE AKSAKOFF, a distinguished Russian writer of the first
+    half of the nineteenth century, gave the world a portrait of
+    his grandfather. It is now translated with a singular felicity
+    by Mr. J.D. DUFF, under the title, <i>A Russian Gentleman</i>
+    (ARNOLD), and I should like to say that I, who have suffered
+    something from translations out of the Russian, have very
+    rarely read one which ran with such plausible smoothness and
+    gave so clear an impression of a charming original. STEFAN
+    MIHAILOVITCH BAGROFF was reckoned a good sort and a just if
+    rather uncompromising man. His character is drawn with faithful
+    exactness and praised with simple filial appreciation. The
+    foibles of this worthy patriarch, such as the dragging of his
+    wife along the floor when he was excessively annoyed, so that
+    she went with her head bound for a year thereafter, are excused
+    on the ground of his general decency. And indeed he was a
+    lovable old boy, and the simple and unselfconscious artistry
+    with which the author develops his character, and that of his
+    daughter-in-law, SOFYA NIKOLAYEVNA, delights the jaded literary
+    palate. AKSAKOFF has a quite singular power of selecting just
+    the incident, the phrase, the gesture, the feature of the
+    landscape which make you exclaim with a start, "Why, I'm seeing
+    and hearing all this!" It is such a book as an historian of the
+    modern school would delight in, more engrossing than fiction of
+    the most realistic type. There is incident in it too&mdash;as
+    of the degenerate KUROLYESSOFF, a cousin-in-law of
+    MIHAILOVITCH, who used to flog his serfs, sometimes to death,
+    for the pleasure of seeing them suffer; while the opening
+    pages, describing the trekking of the family out of far-eastern
+    Orenburg into the adjoining province of Ufa, and the building
+    of the mill and the dam, are astonishingly vivid and
+    agreeable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>A Maid o' Dorset</i> (CASSELL) can be recommended to
+    anyone in need of light refreshment after a course of sterner
+    literature. Here we are back again in the world of small
+    things; but if "M.E. FRANCIS'S" theme is trivial there is no
+    denying the art with which she handles it. Just a quartette of
+    characters occupies her rural stage&mdash;an old grandmother,
+    wise with the wisdom of years, her granddaughter, a middle-aged
+    farmer and a young gipsy "dairy-chap." To the horror of her
+    relations the Maid o' Dorset conceives an infatuation for the
+    gipsy, a clever rogue but no match for the grandmother. I have
+    met a good many farmers in my time, but never one so
+    simple-minded as <i>Solomon Blanchard</i>. It is all very
+    Franciscan, and seems easy enough, but if you think, for that
+    reason, that you could do it yourself, you couldn't. Its charm
+    lies in its fragrance, and that is a quality which is not
+    lightly come by.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4>
+
+    <p>"The majority of the Russian soldiers are not so naif as,
+    after having deposed the Tsar, to set to work for the King of
+    Prussia.</p>
+
+    <p>"Note.&mdash;'Travailler from le Rois des Prusses' is the
+    French colloquial equivalent for 'To work for
+    nothing.'"&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Faint Praise.</h4>
+
+    <p>"Commander Wedgwood said there was no newspaper in this
+    country&mdash;not even the <i>Daily Mail</i>&mdash;which had
+    not printed during the three years of war something to which
+    objection could not be taken."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 15330-h.txt or 15330-h.zip *******</p>
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+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1953 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May
+9, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 11, 2005  [eBook #15330]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 15330-h.htm or 15330-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h/15330-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+MAY 9, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all the Royal
+Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The original plan of
+protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving the Front further West has
+been definitely abandoned.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Vossische Zeitung_ informs us that the late BISSING was a
+"veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is wondering who started this
+scandal.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the Mercantile
+Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the official figures that
+the Press has been clamouring for, the bread tickets will come none
+too soon.
+
+       ***
+
+Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by hand on
+a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients appear to
+take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even been understood to
+suggest that it seems rather a waste of milk.
+
+       ***
+
+The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates responsibility
+for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch village of Zierikzee,
+on the ground that, notwithstanding repeated warnings to abandon the
+unneutral practice, the village persisted in looking like a portion of
+the Isle of Wight.
+
+       ***
+
+Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. Our own
+military authorities, on the other hand, declare that it would be
+unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive genius of the
+young soldier has so much scope.
+
+       ***
+
+Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their
+wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity behind
+their dadoes.
+
+       ***
+
+To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre tickets
+several lifelong supporters of the British drama have already
+requested leading managers to take their names off the free list.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that for
+two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to catch a
+certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in securing it. We
+understand that the trout died with a smile on his face.
+
+       ***
+
+We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America seems to
+be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York the other day only
+three of the spectators were injured.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated that he
+was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as cashier and
+costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean and made himself
+generally useful." It is just as well that they added the last item,
+or people might have thought he was one of those slackers we hear to
+much about.
+
+       ***
+
+News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising his position
+and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE.
+It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE will
+abdicate.
+
+       ***
+
+Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week for pearls.
+It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the
+belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved
+in champagne are beneficial to the complexion.
+
+       ***
+
+"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," writes
+a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We appreciate this
+generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that
+the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines.
+
+       ***
+
+M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, has just
+been married. The bride has promised to obey him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare
+peace on America.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is
+as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to state whether
+these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' Association,
+and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr.
+CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than
+two novels per week.
+
+       ***
+
+We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept
+"substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a London _cafe_,
+asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never
+kept it, remarked, "Very well. Bring me a pork pie."
+
+       ***
+
+Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field
+Force. No request was forwarded for flies.
+
+       ***
+
+Dealing with IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a
+halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a "medley of weird psychopathy
+and symbolism." Just as if he were writing for a penny paper.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for
+"masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are now
+getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.
+
+       ***
+
+Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new
+regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in the past
+have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor
+cars will be hard hit.
+
+       ***
+
+Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club
+Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE
+TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT.
+
+  O not because my taste for bread
+     Tended to make me much too stout,
+  And all the leading doctors said
+     I should be better far without;
+  Not that my health may be more rude,
+     More svelte my rounded style of beauty,
+  I sacrifice this staple food--
+     But from a sense of duty!
+
+  I "can no other" when I think
+     Of how the Hun, docile and meek,
+  Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink,
+     And only strikes, say, once a week;
+  If he for all these months has stood
+     The sorry fare they feed the brute on,
+  I hope that I can be as good
+     A patriot as your Teuton.
+
+  Henceforth I spurn the dear delight
+     That went so well with jam or cheese;
+  No turn of mine shall wear the white
+     Flour of a shameless life of ease;
+  Others may pass one loaf in three,
+     Some rather more than that, and some less,
+  But I--the only course for me--
+     Go absolutely crumbless.
+
+  So, when I quit this mortal strife,
+     Men on my grave these lines shall score:--
+  "Much as he loved the Staff of Life
+     He loved his country even more;
+  He needed no compelling ban;
+     England, in fact, had but to ask it,
+  And he surrendered, like a man,
+     The claims of his bread-basket."
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIPLOMATIC NOTES.
+
+The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to advices
+from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though curiously enough a
+strange cloud of silence hangs over recent (and coming) events in
+Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to construct a fleet, despite the fact
+that the absence of a seaboard is being made a reason for sinister
+opposition in pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her
+soldiers, but her gun is still under repair.
+
+Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to over-estimate the
+value of this new adhesion to the Allied cause. The standing army is
+well over six hundred strong, and there is a small but modern fleet,
+consisting of two revenue cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes
+(mounted with two pairs of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee
+class). The President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate,
+declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in vain."
+Senora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast the only vote against
+war. "I cannot," she sobbed.
+
+Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a
+mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a
+counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is feared.
+Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be felt. Here,
+owing to the new regime of blubber-cards, Eskimo opinion is in a
+very nervous state. Indeed, according to an inspired semi-official
+utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it
+is not too much to say that almost anything may, or may not, happen in
+this Arctic quarter.
+
+The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced in all
+public places, and even whispering is forbidden at street corners.
+More than two-thirds of the population are spies. Relatives are
+only allowed to speak to each other if granted a special licence
+or talking-ticket by the Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special
+dispensation for mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty
+goats on Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is
+blowing; whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels
+were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious dredging
+operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a Berne correspondent.
+The future is big with presage.
+
+All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which still stand
+aside from the maelstroem of war. The position in Ethiopia is, to say
+the least of it, tendentious, and at any moment the natives may change
+their skin. The coronation of the new Empress of Abyssinia is being
+followed as usual by the great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which
+an important pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover
+(from a private source in Trondhjem, _via_ Mecca and Amsterdam), that
+Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch pro-Ally, is expected
+to speak with no uncertain voice. Unfortunately serious liquorice
+riots have broken out in the capital, and these are being cunningly
+used by German agents to turn popular discontent against the Allies.
+Fraeulein von Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin
+Envoy, is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of
+"Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable
+correspondent of _The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer_ telegraphs
+(_via_ Tomsk) that she only escaped lynching by distributing her
+treasure to the mob.
+
+In a similar way economic issues are determining the attitude
+of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The new Food
+Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the situation, and the yak
+ration has again been reduced. It behoves British diplomacy to see
+that the ensuing discontent is not turned into Germanophil currents.
+Where is our Foreign Office? What is being done? We are in the third
+year of the War and yet, while the German Minister is distributing
+free arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be
+nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the Thibetan
+field-strength only last week, and that the Government dinghy is
+already watertight.
+
+_Later_. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of Stark
+Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per cent. The
+new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting unit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A GOOD CAUSE.
+
+Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of Paintings,
+Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief British artists of
+the day and of earlier schools, which is being organised, by licence
+of the Board of Trade, in aid of the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded
+Soldiers and Sailors. These works of art (including many by Mr.
+Punch's artists) will be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held
+this week at the Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause.
+After May 10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for
+the Lottery (5s.) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton Parkes, The
+Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W. The drawing of the
+Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th at St. Dunstan's Hostel,
+Regent's Park.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of "Lamp Day,"
+which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May 11th, and in
+the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. The
+proceeds are to be divided between the Women's Service Bureau, which
+registers and trains women for national employment, and the Scottish
+Women's Hospitals, whose London units are doing gallant work with the
+Serbian division of the Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a
+cause that would have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp,"
+devoted pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field.
+Those who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a
+little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY, 16,
+Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be crossed
+"London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria Branch."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DONNERWETTER.
+
+HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER FOR ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lidy_ (_referring to Court Rival_). "I WON'T 'ARF GIVE
+'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER--LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST
+MY DOOR SUCKIN' _SUGAR_--LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOLD TO THE MARINES.
+
+  This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells
+    O' 'Is Majesty's Marine
+  Told in the mess 'bout seven bells--
+  'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot;
+  An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's not,
+    But it easily might 'ave been.
+
+  "'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,
+    An' the vessel wot I was on
+  Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;
+  I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat
+  To get some thread for the skipper's coat
+    Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.
+
+  "I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,
+    And feeling a trifle queer,
+  When somethin' grated agin the side;
+  I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;
+  'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,
+    'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'
+
+  "When suddenly close on my starboard beam,
+    With scarcely a foot between
+  (I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),
+  Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake
+  Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake
+    Of a big 'Un submarine.
+
+  "An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,
+    Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,
+  For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark
+  With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear--
+  Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,
+    If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.
+
+  "I saw 'is cruel little eye
+    A-swivellin' stem to starn;
+  'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'
+  So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit
+  And lashed it fast in place with a bit,
+  Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.
+
+  "'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone,
+    Which wos all that the blighter could do,
+  An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;
+  I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,
+  An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'
+    The same as I'm tellin' you.
+
+  "Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down
+    Till I felt my cheeks go warm,
+  For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown;
+  Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;
+  'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?
+    Do you call that uniform?.'
+
+  "An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,
+    Which is wot she 'as always bin,
+  You may do your dooty as well as me,
+  But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same
+  Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,
+    Which is Service Discipline."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR POLYGAMISTS.
+
+"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."--_Provincial
+Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.
+
+POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR
+EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOCKING THE DRAMA.
+
+It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting
+the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose
+drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments.
+Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain
+further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed
+upon the programmes:--
+
+(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half
+hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose
+it is enacted that--
+
+(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of
+the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars
+as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly
+printed upon the programmes.
+
+(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the
+stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided
+always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an
+actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).
+
+(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly
+suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.
+
+(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one
+illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed
+three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.
+
+In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the
+following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of
+the Defence of the Realm Act:--
+
+DRAMA.--The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as
+follows:--
+
+During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a
+reasonable period not to exceed one minute.
+
+For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes;
+supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same.
+
+Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam,
+two-and-a-half minutes.
+
+FARCE AND COMEDY.--It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no
+allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned.
+
+MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.--Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be
+accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore
+verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a
+recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office.
+Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.)
+
+Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two
+full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power,
+thus combining realism with economy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERIES OF ARBORICULTURE.
+
+From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:--
+
+    "Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the
+    summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular
+    crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing
+    practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible
+    to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be
+    done by this system of pruning."
+
+We can well believe this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d.
+    net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_.
+
+With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.
+
+Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how to solve
+the food problem than other papers are.
+
+The following six letters have been selected with care from some
+thousand and three received during the week. The others are at the
+service of any enterprising editor, or Lord DEVONPORT can have them
+if he will send a waggon to take them away. They should make pleasant
+week-end reading.
+
+AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.
+
+SIR,--What we plain men want to know and what we are entitled to know
+is--What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat?
+What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It would make a vast difference to
+the success of the food campaign if each of these administrators was
+visible at his meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a
+prominent shop window should be taken for each, and they should have
+their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  COMMON SENSE.
+
+
+THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.
+
+SIR,--If the Food Economy posters were more carefully thought out the
+trick would be done. I suggest, for example, something really pithy
+and witty, such as--
+
+  IT IS NOT ENOUGH
+      FOR
+  ONE OR TWO DAYS
+     TO BE
+  MEATLESS DAYS.
+  YOU SHOULD SEE
+  THAT ALL DAYS
+      ARE
+  EAT-LESS DAYS.
+
+Something like that would soon drive the fear of England into the
+[unprintable word] Germans.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  DOWNRIGHT.
+
+
+TO MASTER THE ROLLS.
+
+SIR,--My experience is that all rolls are too big. I personally can
+get through a meal comfortably with only half the fat roll that is
+automatically put before me at most of the restaurants. Let Lord
+DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the size, and the difference both
+in consumption and waste will be enormous. At a dinner-party which I
+attended the other evening, not, Sir, a hundred miles from your
+own office, the excessive size of the rolls was the subject of much
+comment. No one should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread.
+It should be doled out in the smallest doses.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  OBSERVER.
+
+
+THE USE OF ABUSE.
+
+SIR,--The real trouble with the food economy campaign is that ordinary
+people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got into the habit of not
+believing the daily papers, do not realise what their enemy and
+the chief enemy of the country at this moment is--I mean the German
+submarine. In order to get this fact into their intelligence I suggest
+that free classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which,
+instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" and
+so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) boat!" in every
+dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young might also be thus
+instructed.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  FAR SIGHTED.
+
+
+WRIT SARCASTIC.
+
+SIR,--I have an infallible plan for diminishing the consumption of
+good food, at any rate among Members of the Government. Let them give
+up all other forms of nutriment and eat their own words. The PRIME
+MINISTER might begin. I am,
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  ORGANISED OPPOSITION.
+
+
+"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.
+
+SIR,--I am told that there are people so lost to shame that they are
+still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and all the other appeals
+to their patriotism, eating as usual. I suggest that they be branded
+as the "Alimentary Canaille."
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  DISGUSTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best speeches in the moist
+    manner."--_British Weekly_.
+
+We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry speakers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. member should have
+    thought it worth while to make a point of that sort. Surely he
+    knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium facit perse.'"--_The Times_.
+
+The maxim seems to have jammed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War Cabinet is both
+    executive and consultative, its functions being regulated by
+    the nature of the subject of the Bandman Opera Coy.'"--_The
+    Empire_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its advertised
+programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we feel confident that
+Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TROOP HORSES.
+
+  Through lingering long months idle
+    They have kept you ready and fit,
+  All shining from hock to bridle,
+    All burnished from hoof to bit;
+  The set of your silk coat's beauty,
+    The lie of its lightest hair,
+  Was an anxious trooper's duty
+    And a watchful captain's care.
+
+  Not the keenest eye could discover
+    The sign of the sloth on you,
+  From the last mane-lock laid over
+    To the last nail tight in the shoe;
+  A blast, and your ranks stood ready;
+    A shout, and your saddles filled;
+  A wave, and your troop was ready
+    To wheel where the leaders willed.
+
+  "Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!"
+    Was your confident Colonel's pride,
+  And the faith of the lads--"Our luck'll
+    Come back when the Spring winds ride;"
+  And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly,
+    They dragged their spurs in the mire,
+  Till the Western Front woke slowly
+    And they won to their hearts' desire.
+
+  They loose you now to the labours
+    That the needs of the hour reveal,
+  And you carry the proud old sabres
+    To cross with a tarnished steel;
+  So, steady--and keep position--
+    And stout be your hearts to-day,
+  As you shoulder the old tradition
+    And charge in the ancient way!
+
+  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE ZOO NOTES.
+
+Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on account of the
+presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that Mr. POCOCK, who has
+so successfully brought the Zoo's rations into conformity with war
+conditions, might probably persuade the animal to live on hemp seed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were effected
+without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus demanded a
+pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the belief that they were
+some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears to have been baseless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the Insect
+House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning fur coats
+have offered them a good home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since the all-red
+root has been denied them they protest against being called birds of
+paradise, and wish to be known simply as "birds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS;
+
+OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Private Saunders_ (_whose battalion, having been sent
+back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to spend the night
+in the street, its billets being still occupied by other troops--to
+cheery pal, who breaks into song_). "'USH, GINGER--YOU'LL GIVE THE
+TOWN A BAD NAME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS.
+
+(_With apologies to the seers of the Sunday papers_.)
+
+A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there, but I must
+not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But even the Censor
+can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was connected with a naval
+success of peculiar brilliance which must be suppressed because we
+wish to keep the Bosches guessing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as being in
+attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually supposed to have
+addressed a public meeting in England when in reality he was hundreds
+of miles away? I make no statement; I merely write the word "Austria."
+To those who understand it will be enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news from the Port
+of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be surprised to hear in a
+few weeks that the Port of Danzig has ceased to exist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is grave trouble at Scotland Yard. A Hun Colonel captured at
+Arras was found to have in his pocket a receipted bill from a London
+hotel of the previous week's date. It would surprise you very much
+if I told you at which hotel "Mr. Perkins" stayed and what guests he
+entertained there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why did the Liberian envoy call at the Foreign Office six times last
+week? His explanation, offered to an inquiring Pressman, that he had
+lost an umbrella, was naive, to say the least. I must not betray what
+I know, but I may hint that KING FERDINAND of Bulgaria is famous for
+the devious ways in which he carries on negotiations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A neutral diplomatist of considerable importance has never taken a
+holiday since the War began, and has always told his friends that he
+will never leave his post till peace comes. On an afternoon this week
+he was seen with beaming face buying a travelling rug and two portable
+trunks at one of London's largest emporia. I wonder--yes, I wonder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[_The Editor_. You are not very spicy this week.
+
+_The Contributor_. Nor would you be if you had been confined to the
+house at Peckham Rye with influenza. Better work next week. I have an
+appointment to lunch with a member of the National Liberal Club and
+shall get right to the heart of things.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Army Orders at the Front:--
+
+    "A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the Heavy Artillery.
+    Please make arrangements for him to be accommodated in the ----
+    Heavy Battery Horse Lines."
+
+The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a Canon's stall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "As approved up to date, the bread ticket will comprise four
+    squares, each entitling the holder to purchase two ounces of
+    bread; or, by presenting the whole ticket, two quartern loaves
+    of 4 lb. each."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
+
+Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has already
+decided to present the whole ticket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter by "Retired Diplomat" on "Maize Bread":--
+
+    "To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be separated
+    from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and the latter
+    alone retained for baking purposes."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+As in these days no means of increasing the supply of food-stuffs
+should be neglected, we have much pleasure in passing on "Retired
+Diplomat's" suggestion to the authorities of the Zoo. Personally we
+prefer Cockatoo _en casserole_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRICE OF VICTORY.
+
+"WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN'T DO THAT MUCH, WE DON'T DESERVE TO WIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 30th._--After this week Newmarket will be "a blasted
+heath," for all horse-racing is to be stopped. Irish Members could
+hardly believe the dreadful news. What are the hundred thousand young
+men who refuse to for their country to do with their spare time?
+
+Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased. Mr. DUNCAN
+MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their national
+beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of their national
+food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats for high-mettled racers
+would mean more "parritch" for humble constituents.
+
+[Illustration: THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE.
+
+_The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND_ (_together_). "AFTER YOU, SIR."]
+
+There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully fulfilled
+the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir CLEMENT
+KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary career he must
+have already cost the country a pretty penny in extra pay and pensions
+to the "mateys" and "matlows" of Devonport. Latterly he has given the
+Admiralty a rest and has devoted himself to strafing the Home Office
+for its alleged tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at
+Princetown--a race of sturdy beggars, according to his account, who
+live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get leave periodically
+to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings, and, worst of all,
+invade his constituency in their leisure hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN,
+who represents the neighbouring borough of Plymouth, supported this
+indictment, and added the amazing detail that one of the Princetown
+pacifists was an ex-pugilist.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A
+RICH PRIZE.]
+
+Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two men least
+likely to engage in personal violence I should have thought myself
+safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr. JOSEPH KING. The former
+is so devoted to animals that he would not turn upon a worm; the
+thought of bloodshed so shocks the latter that he welcomes any
+suggestion of peace however illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a
+proposal of Sir GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant
+knight promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House;
+and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet the
+hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he likes." If
+the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue Books at forty yards
+would have been the choice; but, happily, peace was soon afterwards
+restored.
+
+_Tuesday, May 1st._--Some of our super-patriots have no luck. Mr.
+JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the British Vice-Consul at Riga
+was a gentleman with the suspicious name of WISKEMANN, thought that he
+had got hold of a sure thing--not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but
+certainly one of the phalanges. And then down came Lord ROBERT CECIL
+with the information that the gentleman in question was not only
+British-born but was a product of Wellington and Cambridge, and a
+public servant in whom the Foreign Office had the utmost confidence.
+"Foiled again," muttered HICKS to JOYNSON, "but a time will come!"
+
+Like the retired soap-boiler who always looked in on melting-days Lord
+HARCOURT could not resist the attraction of the Office of Works' Vote.
+He never displayed his ability more signally than in the rapidity and
+ease with which he used as First Commissioner to get his Estimates
+through the House. It was a treat to hear him poking fun at the bores,
+demolishing the captious and humouring the serious critics of his
+administration. His present successor goes about his business in a
+more stolid way. In his hands the rapier has become a ploughshare. At
+first the few Members who stayed to listen found him _Le Mond qui nous
+ennuie_, but he woke them up later with the startling announcement
+that he can, if he likes, with a stroke of the pen remove the ladies'
+grille, and admit the fair visitors to a full view of the House, and,
+what is more important, admit the House to a full view of the fair
+visitors. For the moment, I gather, he means to hold his hand, pending
+full consideration of all the changes that such a revolution may
+involve. Besides, the SPEAKER may have to be consulted, although up to
+the present he has exhibited no desire to rush in where angels--bless
+them!--love to tread.
+
+_Wednesday, May 2nd._--Curiosity to hear Mr. BONAR LAW'S first
+Budget-speech caused a full House. The Peers attended in force, and
+among the distinguished strangers was "Dr. JIM," a man of action who,
+as a rule, takes little interest in the men of talk.
+
+The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S Budget statement was praised by
+his predecessor for its ability and lucidity. Personally, I thought
+rapidity was its most notable characteristic. Unhampered by manuscript
+(save a couple of sheets of notepaper containing a few of the
+principal figures) and relying upon his exceptional memory, he rattled
+through his thousand-million totals at such a pace that my panting
+pencil toiled after him in vain. In seventy-five minutes by the clock
+he spoke four solid columns of The Times.
+
+As we have failed to drink ourselves out of our difficulties, for the
+Excise returns show a steady falling off, we are to do our bit towards
+smoking ourselves out of them by paying 1s. 10d. a pound more on our
+tobacco. This last impost constitutes a real piece of self-denial on
+the CHANCELLOR'S part, for he is much addicted to cigars both long
+and strong, somewhat resembling those which enabled Mr. W.J. TRAVIS to
+carry off the Amateur Golf Championship to America.
+
+_Thursday, May 3rd._--The secrets of the Budget were so well kept that
+Mr. LAW himself forgot the most important of them until to-day. In
+future it will be a case of "one man (or woman) one dog," unless the
+owner is prepared to pay on an ascending scale for his extra pets. In
+our fight with Germany we must neglect no precaution however small.
+To get the KAISER back to his kennel we will, if necessary, empty our
+own. Doggedness is essential to victory, but not over-doggedness. Then
+let us, in CALVERLEY'S phrase, "curtail the already cur-tailed cur."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CADET'S DAY.
+
+9 A.M.--SAD BAGS. 7 P.M.--GLAD RAGS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MINISTERIAL WAIL.
+
+    ["The most trenchant critics of the Government since its
+    formation have been Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE."--_British
+    Weekly_].
+
+  The gipsy camping in a dingle
+    I reckon as a lucky dog;
+  He doesn't hear the voice of PRINGLE,
+    He doesn't hear the snorts of HOGGE.
+
+  The moujik crouching in his ingle
+    Somewhere near Tomsk or Taganrog
+  I envy; he is far from PRINGLE
+    And equally remote from HOGGE.
+
+  I find them deadly when they're single,
+    But deadlier in the duologue,
+  When the insufferable PRINGLE
+    Backs the intolerable HOGGE.
+
+  I'd rather walk for miles on shingle
+    Or flounder knee-deep in a bog
+  Than listen to a speech from PRINGLE
+    Or hearken to the howls of HOGGE.
+
+  Their tyrannous exactions mingle
+    The vices of Kings Stork and Log;
+  One day I give the palm to PRINGLE,
+    The next I offer it to HOGGE.
+
+  The style of _Mr. Alfred Jingle_
+    Was jumpy, but he did not clog
+  His sense with woolly words, like PRINGLE,
+    With priggish petulance, like HOGGE.
+
+  I'd love to see the _Bing Boys_ bingle,
+    To go to music-halls _incog._,
+  Instead of being posed by PRINGLE
+    And heckled by the hateful HOGGE.
+
+  My appetite is gone; I "pingle"
+    (As Norfolk puts it) with my prog;
+  My meals are marred by thoughts of PRINGLE,
+    My sleep is massacred by HOGGE.
+
+  O patriots, with your nerves a-tingle,
+    With all your righteous souls agog,
+  Will none of you demolish PRINGLE
+    And utterly extinguish HOGGE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF MARGARINE: _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to animal painter_). "I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU
+LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY."
+
+_Artist_. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF WORK."
+
+_Friend_. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful of native
+troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini.
+
+
+We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it remained,
+languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of Central African bush
+till sun-set, when we hauled it down again--an arduous life. After
+we had been at M'Vini about six months, had shot everything worth
+shooting, and knew one another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher
+and I grew bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and
+mere propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our
+separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct necessity,
+and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a further three months
+dragged on.
+
+Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my wattle-and-dab,
+bearing a note.
+
+"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen; think it
+must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and mount guard--must
+impress the blighter."
+
+I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and sallied
+forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the Army had gone to
+celebrate somebody's birthday in the neighbouring village. However, I
+discovered one remaining trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree.
+He was sick--dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to postpone
+his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned his physician (the
+local witch doctor) and two camp followers, and, leaving my cook-boy
+to valet them, dashed to my hut to make my own toilet. A glimpse
+through the cane mats five minutes later showed me that our visitors
+had arrived.
+
+A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and all)
+was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to discover
+whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for a quarter of
+an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him. Then, at a given
+signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every fal-lal he could collect,
+issued from his hut, and I turned out the improvised guard. A stirring
+spectacle; and it had the desired effect, for the German afterwards
+admitted to being deeply impressed, especially by the local wizard,
+who paraded in his professional regalia, and, coming to cross-purposes
+with his rifle, bayoneted himself and wept bitterly. The ceremonies
+over and the casualty removed we adjourned to Frobisher's _kya_,
+broached the whisky and sat about in solemn state, stiff with
+accoutrements, sodden with perspiration. Our visitor kept the Red,
+White and Black flying on a tree over the border, he explained; this
+was his annual ceremonial call. He sighed and brushed the sweat from
+his nose with the tips of a white glove--"the weather was warm, _nicht
+wahr?_" I admitted that we dabbled in flag-flying ourselves and that
+the weather was all he claimed for it (which effort cost me about four
+pounds in weight). Tongues lolling, flanks heaving, we discussed the
+hut-tax, the melon crop, the monkey-nut market, the nigger--and the
+weather again.
+
+Suddenly Frobisher sprang up, cast loose the shackles of his Sam
+Browne, hurled it into a corner, and began tearing at his tunic hooks.
+I stared at him in amazement--such manners before visitors. But our
+immaculate guest leapt to his feet with a roar like a freed lion, and,
+stripping his white gloves, flung them after the Sam Browne, whereupon
+a fury of undressing came upon us. Helmets, belts, tunics, shirts were
+piled into the corner, until at length we stood in our underclothes,
+laughing and unashamed. After that we got on famously, that Teuton
+and we, and three days later, when he swarmed aboard his mule and
+left home (in pyjamas this time) it was with real regret we waved him
+farewell.
+
+But not for long. Within a month we were surprised by a hail from the
+bush, and there was Otto, mule, pyjamas and all.
+
+"Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo!" he carolled. "'Ere gomes ze Sherman invasion!
+Durn out ze guard!" He roared with laughter, fell off his palfrey and
+bawled for his batman, who ambled up balancing a square box on his
+woolly pate.
+
+His mother in Munich had sent him a case of Lion Brew, Otto explained,
+so he had brought it along.
+
+We wassailed deep into that night and out the other side, and we liked
+our Otto more than ever. We had plenty in common, the same loneliness,
+fevers, climate, and niggers to wrestle with; moreover he had been
+in England, and liked it; he smoked a pipe; he washed. Also, as he
+privily confided to us in the young hours of one morning, he had his
+doubts as to the divinity of the KAISER, and was not quite convinced
+that RICHARD STRAUSS had composed the music of the spheres.
+
+He was a bad Hun (which probably accounted for his presence at the
+uttermost, hottermost edge of the ALL-HIGHEST'S dominions), but a good
+fellow. Anyhow, we liked him, Frobisher and I; liked his bull-mouthed
+laughter, his drinking songs and full-blooded anecdotes, and, on the
+occasions of his frequent visits, put our boredom from us, pretended
+to be on the most affectionate terms, and even laughed uproariously
+at each other's funny stories. Up at M'Vini, in the long long-ago,
+the gleam of pyjamas amongst the loquats, and "'Ere gomes ze Sherman
+invasion!" booming through the bush, became a signal for general
+good-will.
+
+In the fulness of time Otto went home on leave, and, shortly
+afterwards, the world blew up.
+
+And now I have met him again, a sodden, muddy, bloody, shrunken,
+saddened Otto, limping through a snowstorm in the custody of a
+Canadian Corporal. He was the survivor of a rear-guard, the Canuck
+explained, and had "scrapped like a bag of wild-cats" until knocked
+out by a rifle butt. As for Otto himself, he hadn't much to say; he
+looked old, cold, sick and infinitely disgusted. He had always been a
+poor Hun.
+
+Only once did he show a gleam of his ancient form of those old hot,
+happy, pyjama days on the Equator.
+
+A rabble of prisoners--Jaegers, Grenadiers, Uhlans, what-nots--came
+trudging down the road, an unshorn, dishevelled herd of cut-throats,
+propelled by a brace of diminutive kilties, who paused occasionally to
+treat them to snatches of flings and to hoot triumphantly.
+
+Otto regarded his fallen compatriots with disgusted lack-lustre eyes,
+then turning to me with a ghost of his old smile, "'Ere gomes ze
+Sherman invasion," said he.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.
+
+II.
+
+(_Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence, who was slightly wounded through
+a lack of a proper sense of the rights of rank._)
+
+  Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence
+  Had no idea of precedence;
+  To him his Colonel was no more
+  Than any other messroom bore;
+  And he would try to make a pal
+  Not merely of a General,
+  But even a horrified non-com
+  He'd  greet with "Tiddly-om-pom-pom!"
+  Although in other ways quite nice,
+  He was perverted by this vice.
+  For instance, once he had to tea
+  A private in the A.S.C.,
+  And asked to meet him Cathcart-Crewe,
+  A Major in the Horse Guards Blue.
+  Too frequently did it occur
+  That, when a senior officer
+  Was with him, he would up and take
+  Salutes from privates. Why, he'd shake
+  Even Sir DOUGLAS by the hand
+  And say, "Old chap, you're doing grand."
+
+  This sort of thing caused some distress
+  Among the members of his mess.
+  He often took the Colonel's chair;
+  He often flourished in the air
+  His water-glass (when wine was scanty),
+  And shouted, "Cheero, Adjutanty!"
+  You see, he simply had no sense
+  Of military precedence.
+
+  His regiment went out to France
+  To help a general advance.
+  Now in a minute they must hop
+  Like billy-o across the top.
+  Amid the din the Colonel said,
+  "It will be hellish overhead.
+  Machine-guns will let loose a jet
+  Of bullets on the parapet;
+  We'll meet a burst of rifle fire,
+  And, as for shells, I don't desire
+  To see in so confined a space
+  A thicker lot than we shall face.
+  Now, gentlemen, attend, I pray--
+  When we attack, I lead the way!"
+
+  Now wouldn't anyone concur,
+  Saying at once, "With pleasure, Sir!"
+  Nor with undisciplined delight
+  Baulk the good Colonel of his right?
+  Not so young Spence. The moment came,
+  And, heedless of the cries of "Shame!"
+  He never offered _once_ to wait
+  Until the Colonel, more sedate,
+  Had scrambled o'er the parapet,
+  But got there first--and promptly met
+  A bullet.... _Folk who arrogate
+  The privileges of the great
+  Must take what ills thereto attach_
+  (The Colonel never got a scratch).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Distracted Wife_. "OH, ALFRED--THE POTATO-PATCH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"KAMERAD!"
+
+"Baby Girl, 18 months, will surrender entirely to good home."--_Daily
+Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Archdeacon of Stow thought it was a good maxim not to
+    argue with the huntsmen while shooting the rabbits, and moved
+    the previous question."--_Morning Post_.
+
+If you want a real argument with a huntsman (of the ante-bellum type)
+you should try shooting a fox.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consecutive paragraphs from _The Continental Daily Mail_:--
+
+    "Mr. Arthur J. Balfour, like President Wilson, is an ardent
+    golfer. He has challenged Mr. Wilson to a match, and the
+    President of the United States immediately took him up. The
+    match will be played in a few days.
+
+    "'Every able-bodied man and woman found golfing at the present
+    time should be taken by the scruff of the neck and made to
+    do some work of national importance,' said Mr. Waldie at the
+    Edinburgh Parish Council."
+
+So that's that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCHOOL.
+
+During the past week there has taken place, almost without our
+knowledge, a great migration of boys. From their homes, out on to the
+roads and railways, has been pouring a flood of big boys, middle-sized
+boys, small boys, old boys, new boys, all tending towards the various
+schools where they are supposed to make all the best parts of human
+knowledge their own and to live a life of dignified abstraction from
+the troubles of the world, in the midst of their own _argot_ and their
+own special traditions.
+
+Of the big boys and the middle-sized boys I have little to say. They
+are already imbued, if one may say so, with the influence of their
+school, and can hold their own with the masters and their fellow-boys.
+Much as they enjoy their holidays, they show no undue reluctance to
+take up again the burden of their studies at a place which they will
+afterwards consider as having given them some of the happiest days
+of their lives. Many of them indeed are already or are in process of
+becoming the trusted coadjutors of the headmaster and his colleagues
+in the work of maintaining good order and discipline in the school.
+They are monitors--tremendous word!--or prefects or praepostors, and
+their _mitis sapientia_, no less than their muscular strength, causes
+them to be feared and venerated.
+
+Of such awful beings one must not speak lightly lest some terrific
+fate reserved for scoffers overtake one. No, my concern at present
+is rather with the little boys who have gone up for the first time
+to their preparatory school, those forlorn scraps of humanity who are
+beginning a life entirely new to them in all its details. Hitherto,
+except for visits to the seaside with their parents and family, they
+have not spent a night away from home. Now they are separated
+from their parents and plunged into a world of perfect strangers.
+Everything is done to make them at ease and comfortable in their new
+surroundings; the headmaster is kindness itself, the matron beams on
+them with smiles and fortifies them with encouragement; but just at
+first the wrench for the little fellows is great. In a day or two,
+however, they will begin to acclimatise themselves; the strangeness
+will begin to wear off; and having borne up bravely against their
+first sense of loneliness in the midst of a crowd they will gradually
+become parts of the machine to the making of which many gentle and
+sympathising hands for years past have contributed.
+
+"Schools are not what they were," says one of my friends. "There is
+no bullying nowadays and little roughness of any kind. Masters are
+not looked upon as the natural enemies of boys. Corporal punishment,
+except for the gravest offences, is abolished. Whereas, formerly,
+little boys were at once sucked into the vortex of a Public School,
+there are now Preparatory Schools, where Tommie and Dickie and Harry,
+aged from nine to ten, learn the business of Public Schooling in
+a manner suited to their age and capacity. When we were boys," he
+continues, "these admirable buffer states were so few that they might
+almost be said not to exist at all; they now flourish everywhere. The
+path of the little boy is thus made easier for him."
+
+"But," I said, "is a little boy, then, never brought to a sense of
+his unimportance by being physically, if not morally, kicked? Is he to
+pass his life in a condition of Sybaritic softness?"
+
+"You need not," he said, "worry about that. Softness makes no appeal
+to the average English boy."
+
+When therefore, on a day in last week, it happened to me to take a
+little boy I happen to know to his Preparatory School on his first day
+of his first term there, I did so with no undue depression. "Be a good
+boy," I said to him; "never tell a lie, never push yourself forward,
+and don't swank about yourself." It was good advice so far as it went,
+but it did not make any great impression on him, for he only answered,
+"Of course," or "Of course I shan't," to every item that I put before
+him. I wonder how many fathers have recently inculcated these and
+similar high-toned principles on their little boys, only to meet with
+the same uninterested acquiescence. And even our parting was not so
+dejected as it might have been, for by that time another new boy had
+come upon the scene, and he and mine had been irresistibly drawn to
+one another, and were chatting gaily when it was time for me to go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CELEBRITY.
+
+THIS IS BILLY SMIFF, 'IM WOT REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN THERE WASN'T NO
+WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+IX.
+
+THE UNWRITTEN TREATY.
+
+"Be careful," said the worm to the slug, "there is one of those nasty
+birds over there. What ugly things they are!"
+
+"Not half so ugly as men. Ugh!" said the slug.
+
+"Men are big, not ugly. They don't eat worms."
+
+"But they cut them in two with spades."
+
+"Only by accident. There is nothing so ugly as a bloated over-grown
+bird eating a slender delicate worm."
+
+"Except," said the slug, "a monstrous man crushing a tender slug under
+his clumsy hoofs. Birds I can tolerate. They are not so big as men."
+
+"But they hop quicker and eat more for their size," said the worm.
+
+"Not slugs, they don't eat slugs. We have a treaty with the birds, you
+know."
+
+"Was it signed?" asked the worm.
+
+"There was no need. You see it is a matter of convenience. We don't
+get eaten, and the birds don't get their beaks slimy."
+
+"Convenience is a great thing," said the worm, "but it isn't
+everything. Well, good-bye; I am going in till the bird goes."
+
+"And I am staying out till the man comes."
+
+"Slugs are nasty slimy things," said the thrush, "but in these hard
+times one must eat what one can get," and he swallowed the slug with a
+wry face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WELL-MEANT.
+
+Extract from a New Zealand school-boy's letter:--
+
+"We also had songs, the College song, and the Harrow School song, for
+the special benifit (_sic_) of the Governor, who is an Etonian."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed
+without result_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
+
+_Voice from below_. "ONE OF THE CYLINDERS IS MISSING, SIR."
+
+_Commander_. "WELL, LOOK SHARP AND FIND THE BALLY THING--WE WANT TO
+GET ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I was some way into _Thorgills of Treadholt_ (WARD, LOCK), thinking
+what an unusually plausible and imaginative yarn it was, when I turned
+back for possible enlightenment, and found a note to the effect that
+it was a transcription of an Icelandic saga. Those old fellows knew
+their business. I am not sagacious enough to guess where Mr. MAURICE
+HEWLETT has passed beyond transcription to creation, but I can tell
+you that he offers his readers a very charming and finished piece of
+work. Boys of all ages should delight in this record of the fights and
+wanderings and stout diplomacy of the chieftain _Thorgills_, who was
+destined from his cradle to be a notable leader of men. His marriage
+with _Thorey_ was a romance of as exquisite a flavour as any that our
+sophisticated age can show, and its tragic end wrings the heart with
+its infinite pathos. By some singular discretion Mr. HEWLETT has
+chosen to eschew the least approach to Wardour-Street idiom, and
+this gives the narrative a simplicity, a sanity and a vivid sense of
+reality which are extraordinarily more effective than the goodliest
+tushery, of which flamboyant art Mr. HEWLETT is no mean master. I
+am sure he has chosen this time a more excellent way. There are
+transcriptions and transcriptions. This is brilliantly done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I cannot help regretting that Miss RHODA BROUGHTON has not thought fit
+to publish her total fictional tonnage (if without disrespect I may
+employ a metaphor of the moment) on the title-page of her latest
+volume. Certainly the tale of her output must by this time reach
+impressive dimensions. And the wonder is that _A Thorn in the Flesh_
+(STANLEY PAUL) betrays absolutely no evidence of staleness. If the
+outlook here is a thought less romantic than in certain novels that
+drew sighs from my adolescent breast, this is a change inherent in
+the theme. For the matter of the present work is a study in conjugal
+tedium. _Parthenope_ (name of ill-omen) was one of those unhappy and
+devastating beings who go through life fated to bore their nearest
+and dearest to the verge of lunacy. So that her marriage to poor
+well-meaning _Willy Steele_ had not endured for more than a matter of
+weeks before the wretched man fled from his newly-made nest, with the
+heart-cry (uttered to _Parthenope's_ female relatives, themselves
+too sympathetic to resent it), "I cannot stand her any longer!"
+This unfortunate _debacle_ is very ingeniously contrasted with the
+courtship of another couple, immune from the curse; and the whole
+story is as fresh as it is amusing. Perhaps it might have been told in
+fewer words; at times the slender theme seems a trifle overladen. But
+probably your true Broughtonians (who must be reckoned in thousands)
+would condemn such a suggestion as heresy; and, if they be satisfied,
+as they certainly will be, then all is well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is a tribute at once to the art of her treatment and the actuality
+of her theme that, after reading the delicate little study of modern
+romance that ELIZABETH ROBINS PENNELL calls _The Lovers_ (HEINEMANN),
+I cannot determine whether the clever writer was reproducing or
+inventing--she begins so convincingly with the statement that it was
+her first chapter, itself an article in _The Century_, describing the
+life of The Lovers as she watched it from her window, that brought
+about her friendship with the originals, and thus her knowledge of
+their further history. Anyhow, true or not, it is the kind of story
+that has been going on all round us in these days of love and heroism.
+Mrs. PENNELL first began to watch her pair of _amoureux_ in their
+attic, which was overlooked from her higher window (most readers
+could probably make a shrewd guess at its postal district) in those
+seemingly so distant years when the young champions of artistic London
+used to meet at a certain _cafe_, wonderfully clad, to consume vast
+quantities of milk. Then came the War; the boy-husband enlisted, went
+to the Front--and the end is as we all have known it many and many
+times. In this little book the too familiar story is given with a
+restraint and absence of striving after effect that leave me, as I
+say, uncertain whether its appeal is due to art or actuality. But in
+either case Mrs. PENNELL has told it very well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Father, what is the difference between Tories and Radicals?"
+"Radicals, my dear, are the infamous crew who wish to destroy all the
+noble institutions for which the Tories would give their life-blood."
+"And which are you, Father?" I have inflicted this ancient (and, I
+always think, rather touching) scrap of dialogue upon you because it
+exactly illustrates my impression of _The Soul of Ulster_ (HURST
+AND BLACKETT). In other words, this little book, written as ably and
+attractively as you would expect from the author of _The First Seven
+Divisions_, is really less a dispassionate survey of the Home Rule
+difficulty than a piece of special pleading for the Northern cause.
+According, therefore, to your own attitude towards this problem will
+characters occupies her rural stage--an old grandmother, be your
+estimate of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S arguments. To the bigoted (or
+confirmed) Orangeman they will seem revelation; to the confirmed (or
+bigoted) Nationalist they will as clearly seem rubbish. Even I, who
+admit the justice of the author's contentions, fancied now and again
+(as in the matter of the "Peep-o'-Day Boys," for example) that a
+slightly more generous admission of faults on his own side would have
+strengthened the presentation of his case. One of the most interesting
+chapters of a quite short volume is that in which the author explains
+his belief, at first rather startling, that the eventual solution of
+the vexed question may be provided through the Sinn Fein movement.
+That hope, and the reasons for it, are certainly alone worth the
+half-crown for which you can examine them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM TWENTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS A WEEK.' NOW, SIR, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO LEAVE MY PRESENT
+OCCUPATION AND TAKE UP FARM-WORK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SERGE AKSAKOFF, a distinguished Russian writer of the first half of
+the nineteenth century, gave the world a portrait of his grandfather.
+It is now translated with a singular felicity by Mr. J.D. DUFF, under
+the title, _A Russian Gentleman_ (ARNOLD), and I should like to say
+that I, who have suffered something from translations out of the
+Russian, have very rarely read one which ran with such plausible
+smoothness and gave so clear an impression of a charming original.
+STEFAN MIHAILOVITCH BAGROFF was reckoned a good sort and a just
+if rather uncompromising man. His character is drawn with faithful
+exactness and praised with simple filial appreciation. The foibles
+of this worthy patriarch, such as the dragging of his wife along the
+floor when he was excessively annoyed, so that she went with her head
+bound for a year thereafter, are excused on the ground of his general
+decency. And indeed he was a lovable old boy, and the simple and
+unselfconscious artistry with which the author develops his character,
+and that of his daughter-in-law, SOFYA NIKOLAYEVNA, delights the jaded
+literary palate. AKSAKOFF has a quite singular power of selecting just
+the incident, the phrase, the gesture, the feature of the landscape
+which make you exclaim with a start, "Why, I'm seeing and hearing all
+this!" It is such a book as an historian of the modern school would
+delight in, more engrossing than fiction of the most realistic type.
+There is incident in it too--as of the degenerate KUROLYESSOFF, a
+cousin-in-law of MIHAILOVITCH, who used to flog his serfs, sometimes
+to death, for the pleasure of seeing them suffer; while the opening
+pages, describing the trekking of the family out of far-eastern
+Orenburg into the adjoining province of Ufa, and the building of the
+mill and the dam, are astonishingly vivid and agreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Maid o' Dorset_ (CASSELL) can be recommended to anyone in need of
+light refreshment after a course of sterner literature. Here we are
+back again in the world of small things; but if "M.E. FRANCIS'S" theme
+is trivial there is no denying the art with which she handles it.
+Just a quartette of characters occupies her rural stage--an old
+grandmother, wise with the wisdom of years, her granddaughter, a
+middle-aged farmer and a young gipsy "dairy-chap." To the horror of
+her relations the Maid o' Dorset conceives an infatuation for the
+gipsy, a clever rogue but no match for the grandmother. I have met
+a good many farmers in my time, but never one so simple-minded as
+_Solomon Blanchard_. It is all very Franciscan, and seems easy enough,
+but if you think, for that reason, that you could do it yourself, you
+couldn't. Its charm lies in its fragrance, and that is a quality which
+is not lightly come by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES.
+
+"The majority of the Russian soldiers are not so naif as, after having
+deposed the Tsar, to set to work for the King of Prussia.
+
+"Note.--'Travailler from le Rois des Prusses' is the French colloquial
+equivalent for 'To work for nothing.'"--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAINT PRAISE.
+
+"Commander Wedgwood said there was no newspaper in this country--not
+even the _Daily Mail_--which had not printed during the three years of
+war something to which objection could not be taken."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+152, MAY 9, 1917***
+
+
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