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diff --git a/15144-8.txt b/15144-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55470e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1704 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 27, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 27, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 22, 2005 [EBook #15144] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +August 27, 1892. + + + + +TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY. + +(_A SKETCH AT THE ISLINGTON ARCADIA._) + + SCENE--_The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is + revolving with its organ in full blast; near it is a + "Razzle-Dazzle" Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical + piano. To the combined strains of these instruments, the + merrier hearts of Islington are performing a desultory dance, + which seems to consist chiefly in the various couples charging + each other with desperate gallantry. At the further end of + the Hall is a Stage, on which a Variety Performance is in + progress, and along the side of the gallery a Switchback, the + rolling thunder of which, accompanied by masculine whoops and + feminine squeaks, is distinctly audible. Near the entrance + is a painted house-front with two doors, which are being + pitilessly battered with wooden balls; from time to time + a well-directed missile touches a spring, one of the doors + opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling and + sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of + laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy. + Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting the idyllic and + pastoral associations of Arcady, is an unpretending booth, + the placards on which announce it to be the temporary + resting-place of the "Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are + there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 years' residence + in the Desert of Gobi." There is also a solemn warning that + "it is impossible to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth, + a fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gentleman, in + evening clothes, and a particularly crumpled shirt-front--who + presents a sort of compromise between the Scientific Savant + and the German Waiter has just locked up his Assistant in + a wooden pillory, for no obvious reason except to attract + a crowd. The crowd collects accordingly, and includes a + Comic Coachman, who, with his Friend--a tall and speechless + nonentity--has evidently come out to enjoy himself_. + +[Illustration: "I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes."] + +_The Spectacled Gentleman_ (_letting the Assistant out of the +pillory, with the air of a man who does not often unbend to these +frivolities_). Now, Gentlemen, I am sure all those whom I see around +me have heard of those marvellous beings--the Mahatmas--and how they +can travel through space in astral bodies, and produce matter out of +nothing at all. (_Here the group endeavour to look as if these facts +were familiar to them from infancy, while the_ Comic Coachman _assumes +the intelligent interest of a Pantomime Clown in the price of a +property fish_.) Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be aware +that at this very moment the air all around you is full of ghosts. + +_The Comic Coachman_ (_affecting extreme terror_). 'Ere, let me get +_out_ o' this! Where's my friend? + +_The Sp. G._ I am only telling you the simple truth. There is, +floating above the head of each one of you, the ghostly counterpart of +himself; and the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smoking also +the ghost of a cigar or a pipe. + +_The C.C._ (_to his attendant Phantom_). 'Ere, 'and me down one o' +your smokes to try, will yer? + +_The Sp. G._ You laugh--but I am no believer in making statements +without proof to support them, and I shall now proceed to offer you +convincing evidence that what I say is true. (_Movement of startled +incredulity in group._) I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes. +(_Producing them_.) Now, Sir, (_to the_ C.C.) will you oblige me by +putting your finger in the bowls to test whether there is any tobacco +there or not? + +_The C.C._ Not _me_. None o' those games for me! Where's my +friend?--it's more in _'is_ line! + + [_The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background, + and, after a little hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests + the bowls, and pronounces them empty._ + +_The Sp. G._ Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these +empty pipes. (_He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity +of unmistakable smoke_.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a +deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner, will +you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir? (_To a bystander, who, not +without obvious misgivings, takes a few whiffs and produces smoke, +as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators._) +Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow +me to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen +inside for the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour +of introducing to you Mlle. SCINTILLA, who is not only the most +extraordinary Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest +woman now living! + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, _I'm_ comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's my +friend? he'll pay for _me_. He promised to take care o' me, and I +can't trust myself anywhere without 'im. + + [_He enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the + bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to + be lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for + initiation. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted + Scene, and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is + visible and vacant; behind the barrier which, separates the + Stage from the Audience stands Mlle. SCINTILLA, a young + lady in a crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if + not precisely a Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and + reassuringly material._ + +_The C.C._ Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I _like_ 'em! + + [_The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile._ + +_The Sp. G._ (_appearing on the Stage as Showman_). Now, Ladies and +Gentlemen! (_There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by +way of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any +moral support whatever._) You all know that Adepts have the power +of disintegrating material objects and re-integrating them when +they please. I have here a hollow mask. (_He exhibits a Pantomime +demon head._) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet, which as +you perceive is empty. I raise it--and underneath you will see +materialised a wonderful young lady who consists of a head and nothing +else. (_He discovers the head of a very human young person with short +curly hair._) Now those of you who are unmarried would find this young +lady an admirable wife for a man of small income, for, having no body, +she will cost him nothing whatever for her food or frocks. + +_The C.C._ (_with a touch of cynicism_). She'd make it up in 'ats and +bonnets, though; trust _'er_! + +_The Showman_. She is extremely sweet-tempered; and, when she observes +a number of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as there are +to-night, she will smile affectionately at them. + + [_The Head gives a very practical confirmation of this + assertion, and the Lady in the corner sniffs with strong + disapproval._ + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, I say--where's my friend? I want to take my 'ook out +o' this--the young Lady's 'ed is a smilin' at me, and it ain't _good_ +enough, yer know--she's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit _me_! + +_The Showman_ (_after extinguishing the Head, which is giggling +helplessly, in the Mask_). Now this other, young Lady, Mlle. +SCINTILLA, known to her friends as "SPARKS," is equally wonderful in +her way. It may surprise you when I inform you--(_here he puts his arm +affectionately round the Sibyl's neck_)--that, beautiful as she is, +she has never been kissed in her whole life! + +_The C.C._ (_with chivalrous indignation_). What? Ere, if _that's_ +all!-- + + [_He intimates, in pantomime, his perfect readiness to repair + this omission at once._ + +_The Showman_. This is owing to the fact that she is impregnated with +electricity to such an extraordinary degree, that any contact with her +lips will produce a shock which would probably prove fatal! + +_The C.C._ Oh, where _is_ that friend o' mine? (_To the Sibyl_.) I +come out without my lightnin' conductor this evenin', Miss; but I've +got a friend somewhere in 'ere as 'll be 'appy to represent me. + + [_The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved + to find that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously._ + +_The Showman_. As a proof that I am not speaking without foundation, +this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you will at +once become aware of the electric current. [_The Sibyl leans across +the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm for public pressure, +but there is the usual reluctance at first to embrace the opportunity. +At length a seeker after truth grasps the hand, and reports that +he "can feel a somethink," whereupon his example is followed by the +others, including the_ C.C., _who, finding the sensation agreeable, +pretends to be electrified to such an extent that he is unable to let +go--which concludes the entertainment._ + +_Spectators_ (_departing_). She _may_ have 'ad one o' them galvanic +belts on for all _you_ can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot _in_ it, +all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them clays! + +_The C.C._ (_to his Friend_.) That _was_ a lark, JIM! But look +'ere--don't you go tellin' the Missus; _she_ ain't on the Me'atmer +lay--not _much_, she ain't! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOURS EASY. + +_Sir E.L._ (_gaily_). "BARONETTED? OF COURSE, MY BOY--RIGHT THING TO +DO! THANKS. TA-TA!" [_Careers away, to keep up his circulation._ + +_Mr. P._ "AND _YOU_, MR. LABBY?" + +_H.L._ (_languidly_). "OH--AH--AS FOR _ME_--I'M OUT OF IT--THAT'S THE +TRUTH."] + + * * * * * + +WOT CHER, LABBY? + + ["Mr. LABOUCHERE, so he says, has come to London to enjoy the + smiles of the new Ministry."--_Morning Paper_.] + + Enjoy them, dear LABBY, smile back, if you can-- + Though your lip has a curl that portends something sinister-- + It is painful, I take it, to flash in the pan, + While a rival goes off with a bang as a Minister. + + But you (you're a cynic, that's one of the ways, + And by no means the worst, to get credit for kindness), + You can smile at this struggle for titles and praise, + You can laugh at your friends while you envy their blindness. + + A time, so I fancy you saying, will come; + They are not done with LABBY, for all their sweet smiling; + And they're vastly mistaken who think he'll be dumb, + Or abandon his amiable habit of riling. + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOTT!"--_Mr. Punch's_ congratulations to the new Bart. of +Scott's Bank, Cavendish Square, with the classic name of HORACE. His +friends will be able to adapt MACAULAY's lines, and tell-- + + "How well HORATIUS kept the Bank, + In the brave days of old." + +Of course, be it understood that "keeping the Bank" has nothing +whatever to do with Monte Carlo, or with any game of speculation. _Ad +multos annos!_ And to adapt again-- + + "On HORACE's head Honours accumulate!" + + * * * * * + +BALFOUR AND SALISBURY.--The late Government couldn't help having a +good dash of spirit in it, seeing it was a "B. and S." mixture. Now, +"B. and S."--off! _Vide_ _Mr. Punch's_ Cartoon this week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEVER SATISFIED. + +_Grumpy Husband._ "HOW BADLY INFORMED NEWSPAPERS ARE! WHY, HERE THEY +SAY, 'SIR THOMAS GRIMSBY ENTERTAINED US AND A NUMBER OF OTHERS AT +DINNER LAST NIGHT!' ENTERTAINED! WHY, I NEVER WAS SO BORED IN MY +LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +IN OFFICE WITH THE LABOUR VOTE. + +(_HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AWKWARD MATTER, ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + + SCENE--_A Smoking-Room and Lounge. Eminent Statesman + discovered filling a pipe. Private Secretary in + attendance._ + +_Em. S._ Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my lad, and have the +tea and decanters in readiness when I ring for them. Enough chairs? + +_Pri. Sec._ Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I thought if I got six +that would be enough. + +_Em. S._ Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in the Deputation. + + [_Private Secretary opens door, when enter several Workmen in + their Sunday best, headed by Fussy M.P._ + +_Fussy M.P._ (_with effusion_). My dear Sir, this is a great pleasure. +I hope I see you well. (_Shakes the hand of Eminent Statesman with +profuse cordiality._) And now, if you will allow me, I will introduce +these Delegates. It would have pleased them better if they could have +had an Autumn Session, but they are quite prepared to be satisfied +with an interview, as it is in the Recess. (_Speaking in the soft +tones of the House at Westminster._) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It +is my privilege as well as my duty--a most pleasant one--to introduce +what I may aptly declare to be the most representative body of men it +has ever been my good fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir-- + +_Em. S._ (_interrupting_). Thank you very much, but I fancy we can get +on better by talking it over quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't +mind, I will take off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves. + +[Illustration] + + [_Removes his coat._ + +_Fussy. M.P._ (_taken aback_). My dear Sir! + +_Members of the Deputation_. Thankee, Sir! We'll follow suit. + + [_They remove their coats._ + +_Em. S._ Now you would like to smoke? Well, my Private Secretary will +hand round cigars, cigarettes, and tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my +house Liberty Hall. Well, tell me--what's it all about? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_pointing to Fussy M.P._) Why he said as how he +would do all the speaking. + +_Em. S._ Very likely, and do it (_bowing to him_) very well. But I +would far rather that you should speak for yourselves. Come let us +meet as old friends. Now--what do you want? + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ Why, Sir, if you put it in that pleasant way, I +may say, payment for hours of labour put in by some one else. + +_Em. S._ Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how are you to manage it? + +_Third Mem. of Dep._ (_roughly_). That's your business, and not ours. +We tell you what we want, and you have to carry out our wishes. + +_Em. S._ (_smiling_). You mean the wishes of your class--your order? + +_Second Mem._ Well, that's about it. We _do_ represent them. Why we +are sent to you by over 100,000! + +_Em. S._ And what is the full complement of your combined trades? + +_Second Mem._ About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it. + +_Em. S._ With it! Do with what? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir--what we +require! + +_Em. S._ (_amiably_). And that is--? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_triumphantly_). Oh, you must tell us that! It +is not our place, but yours--see? + +_Em. S._ Not exactly. But will you not join me? (_Offers cigarettes._) +And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your +work for you? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_puffing at the tobacco_). Don't you think that +could be done by the Government? + +_Em. S._ _I_ don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with +your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter. +But you really must help me. + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ (_taken aback_). But, I say, Sir, is this quite +fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (_pointing to +the_ Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking. + +_Em. S._ Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new. +Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously? + +_Fourth Mem._ Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are +not accustomed to it. What does it all mean? + +_Em. S._ I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get +an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing--nor can I. So +now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me +detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in +your undertakings. And now, farewell! + +_First Mem._ Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye! + +_Em. S._ Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [_The Deputation leave._ +Eminent Statesman _turns his attention to other matters with a smile +of satisfaction._ + + * * * * * + +"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"--Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last +week. N.B.--Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the +straight tip. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY IN VENICE. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours truly's still stived + up in Town. + Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay on the brown + By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now is as bad as + they're made. + Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' nigh bunnicked + up Trade. + + _My_ screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of 'ard times, sez + our bloke. + I _did_ mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and + eat coke!" + Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty one, Luck, and no + kid; + Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're quisby, or + short of a quid. + + When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to myself, mate, + thinks I, + 'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney as 'ARRY must + try. + No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for the likes of + poor me; + But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at the Bride o' the + Sea. + + Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness quite takes the + cake. + Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to the popular fake. + "Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. no doubt. + Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when ikey young + I.K.'s about. + + Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the crimsing, the blue, + and the gold! + Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and prisums is out in + the cold. + I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' back yard, + With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that ain't 'Igh + 'Art, wy it's 'ard. + + 'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I 'ooks, + To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in them sixpenny + books. + Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE KIRALFY, dear + boy, + And he give me a two hours' _spektarkle_ old LEIGHTON hisself + might enjoy. + + Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that Synopsis you've + read; + Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't get it straight + in my 'ead. + Sort o' mixture of _Shylock_ and BYRON, with bits of _Othello_ + chucked in, + Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly blue fire and + bright tin. + + But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About arf a mile o' + stage front, + With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed all the time + on the 'unt. + Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage at the + double, old man, + All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their armour a-chink + as they ran! + + Old _Shylock_ turns up quite permiskus, and always upon the full + trot; + He seemed mixed up with Portias, and Doges, smart gals, and the + dickens knows wot. + All kep waving their arms like mad semy-phores, doin' the akrybat + prank, + As if they was swimming in nothink, or 'ailing a 'bus for the Bank. + + I sez to a party beside me, "Old man, wot the doose does it _mean_?" + Sez he, "A dry attic, yer know, of wich Venice, yer see, wos the + Queen. + That cove in a nightcap's the Doge; for an old 'un he _can_ move + about. + They had G.O.M.'s, mate, in Venice; of that there is not the least + doubt. + + "That's VETTORE PISANI, the Hadmiral; t'other is General ZENO + Defending the State, I persoom, and they're 'aving a fust-class + old beano. + Wy PEDRO THE SECOND, of Cyprus, and _Portia_ is made a rum blend + With Turps Siccory's Revels, and so on, no doubt we shall twig at + the hend." + + I sez, "Thankee! that's werry instructive. You _do_ know a lot, + mate, _you_ do!" + Then the fight at Chioggia came on. Sech a rum pully-haully all + through. + But the Victory Percession wos proper, and so was the All Frisky + _feet_, + And the way as they worked the gondolers, them streaky-legged + chaps, wos a treat. + + But the best o' the barney came arter. I took a gondoler, old man, + Sort o' wobbly black coffin afloat, and perpelled on the rummiest + plan + With one oar and a kind of notched post. But a dressy young party + in pink + 'Ad a seat in my ship, and seemed skeery. _I_ cheered 'er up--wot + do _you_ think? + + "No danger," sez I, "not a mossel! Now is there, old lollipop-legs? + Sit 'ere, Miss, and trim the old barky! Go gently now, young + 'Am-and-Eggs! + 'Ow much for yer mustard-striped kicksies? Way-oh! Wy, you nearly + run down + The Ryhalto that time, you young josser. Look hout, Miss, he'll + crack your sweet crown!" + + _Larf_, CHARLIE? She did a fair chortle. I _'ave_ sech a way with + the shes. + We 'ad six sixpennorths together--I tell you 'twos go-as-you-please! + Modern Venice, took out of a toy-box, with palaces fourteen foot + 'igh. + And Bridges o' Sighs cut in pasteboard, is larks all the same, and + no fly. + + Sort o' cosy romanticky feeling a-paddling along them canals, + With the manderlines twangling all round, and the larf of the + gayest of gals + Gurgling up through the Hightalian hair--though it do 'ave a + cockneyfied sniff,-- + Wy it's better than spooning at Marlow with MOLLY MOLLOY in a skiff. + + I felt like Lord BYRON, I tell yer; I stretched myself, orty-like, + hout, + And wished it could go on all night, wich my pardner did ditto, no + doubt. + Modern Venice in minichure, CHARLIE, ain't really so dusty, you bet; + I wos quite a Bassanio in breeks, and I ain't lost the twang of it + yet. + + _My_ Portia wos POLLY MARIA; she tipped me her name fair and free; + And a pootier young mossel o' muslin, I never 'ad perch on _my_ + knee. + No side on 'er, nothink lowlived, CHARLIE, ladylike down to the + ground, + I called 'er my fair "Bride of Venice." In fact, we wos 'appy all + round. + + She said _I_ wos _'er_ form to a hounce, and if anyone looked more + O.K., + In a nobby Gondoler than me, well that chap 'adn't travelled _'er_ + way; + Wich wos Barnsbury Park--so she whispered, with _sech_ a sly + giggle, dear boy! + I sez "Bully for IMRE KIRALFY! His Show is a thing to henjoy!" + + And so it is, CHARLIE, old hoyster. The music is twangly, I own, + And if I've a fancy myself, 'taint hexactly the Great Xylophone; + But the speeches of musical scratch-backs the dancers keep time + with so pat, + In that fairy-like Carnival Bally, fetched POLLY, ah, all round + 'er 'at! + + That 'at wos a spanker, I tell yer; as big as the Doge's + State-Barge, + And like all the "Four Seasons" in one! "Well," sez POLLY, "I _do_ + like 'em large, + Them Venetian pork-pies ain't _my_ fancy, no room for no trimmings + above. + They wouldn't suit Barnsbury Park, though they might do 'The + Castle of Love'!" + + Sort o' needled her somehow, I fancy; but, bless yer, I soon put + _that_ straight. + Gals is wonderful touchy on togs! Covent Garden piled high on a + plate + With a blue hostrich-feather all round it, mayn't be man's hidea + of a tile, + But I flattered her taste a rare bat, and soon 'ad her again on + the smile. + + Well, "Venice the Bride of the Sea," is wuth more than one visit, + old pal, + And I've got a hengagement next week to go there with the same + pooty gal. + I'm going to read up the subjeck, I'll cram for it all I can carry, + For I'm bound to be fair, in the know if young POLLY should question + +Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. I.--"MISTER." + +In a "Grand Hôtel" again; abroad; never mind which or where; have +experienced many Inns and many outings, but find all Grand Hôtels much +the same. "Lawn-tennis, English Church in the Spa_t_ious Grounds, good +station for friends of the _Fisch-Sport_."--But the quintessence of +Grand-Hotelism is "Mr." in his Bureau. + +The main thing about "Mr." is his frock-coat ("made in Germany"). It +is always buttoned; he is never without it; I believe he sleeps in +it. Divest him of this magician's robe (so to speak) and he would be +powerless. + +The Hôtel omnibus clatters in; "Mr." confronts us, smiling and serene, +with his two Secretaries of Legation. He discriminates the Inn-comers +at a glance.--"Numero 10, 11, 12, _entresol_;" for Noah-like +Paterfamilias with Caravan; "Numero 656, for se Leddy's med;" "Numero +80, for me, the _soi-disant Habitué_;" it's the room I'm _supposed_ to +have always had, so I pretend to like it. One Unremunerative-looking +Pedestrian, in knickerbockers, is assured that, if he waits half a +day or so, he may get an attic--"Back of se house; fine view of se +sluice-gate and cemetery."--U.-L.P. expostulates; he has telegraphed +for a good room; it's _too_ bad.--"Ver' sawy, but is quite complete +now, se Hôtel." U.-L.P., furious; "Hang it," &c. "Mr." deprecates this +ingratitude--"Ver' sawy, Sor; but if you don't like," (with decision), +"se whole wide wurrld is open to you!" Pedestrian retires, threatening +to write to the _Times_. Preposterous! as if the Editor would print +anything against "Mr."! "Mr.'s" attitude majestic and martyred; +CASABIANCA in a frock-coat! Bless you! he knows us all, better than +we know ourselves. He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket. + +[Illustration: "He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket."] + +When "Mr." is not writing, he is changing money. The sheepish Briton +stands dumb before this financier, and is shorn--of the exchange, +with an oafish fascination at "Mr.'s" dexterous manipulation of the +_rouleaux_ of gold and notes. Nobody dares haggle with "Mr." When he +is not changing money, he is, as I have said, writing, perhaps his +Reminiscences. It is "Mr." "What gif you se informations;" and _what_ +questions! The seasoned Pensionnaire wants to know how she can get +to that _lovely_ valley where the Tiger-lilies grow, without taking a +carriage. The British Matron, where she can buy rusks, "real English +rusks, you know." A cantankerous tripper asks "why he never has +bread-sauce with the nightly chicken." And we all troop to "Mr." after +breakfast, to beg him to affix postage-stamps to our letters, and to +demand the precise time when "they will reach England;" as if they +wouldn't reach at all without "Mr.'s" authority. It gives the nervous +a sense of security to watch "Mr." stamping envelopes. It is a way of +beginning the day in a Grand Hôtel. + +"Mr." gives you the idea of not wishing to make a profit; but he gives +you nothing else. You wish to be "_en pension_"--"Ver' well, Sor, it +is seventeen francs (or marks) the day;" but you soon discover that +your room is extra, and that you may not dine "apart;" in a word, you +are "Mr.'s" bondsman. Then there is the persuasive lady, who perhaps, +_may_ be stopping a week or more, but her plans are undecided--at any +rate six days--"Will 'Mr.' make a reduction?" "Mr." however, continues +his manuscript, oh ever so long! and smiles; his smile is worse than +his bite! I, the _Habitué_, approach "Mr." with a furtive clandestine +air, and observe cheerily, "I hope to remain here a month." +"Certainly, Sor; is better you do; will be se same as last year; I +gif you se same appartement, you see."--This with an air of favour. +I thank him profusely--for nothing. My bill turns out to be higher +than if I had been overcharged separately for everything. "Mr." is +the Master of the Arts of extras. He does not wish to make a profit; +oh no! but--ahem--he makes it. As for the outsiders who straggle in +casually for luncheon and want to be sharp with "Mr." afterwards, +they are soon settled. One who won't be done, complains of a prince's +ransom for a potato-salad.--"If you haf pertatas, you pay for +pertatas."--TALLEYRAND could not have been more unanswerable. + +"Mr." is immense at entertainments; it is "Mr." who organises "Se +Spanish Consairt," "Se Duetto of se Poor Blinds," and, of course, "Se +Bal"; he is very proud of his latest acquisition--the Orchestrion that +plays the dinner down. To see "Mr." dispatch itinerant minstrels would +do our County Council good. + +"Mr." knows our compatriots _au fond_; he makes no extra charge for +toast at breakfast, and you only pay half-a-crown for a pot of George +the Third Marmalade, to lubricate it withal. Five-o'clock tea comes +up at six, just as at home. He makes much of Actors, Peers, and +Clergymen. Sunday is a great day for "Mr." He directs everyone to the +English Church in "The Grounds"--(fifteen benches and one tree, with a +fountain between them); and then goes off to play cards, but always +in his frock-coat. The "Chaplain" gets his breakfast-egg gratis; and +a stray Bishop writes, "Nothing can exceed the comfort of this Hôtel," +in that Doomsday Book of Visitors. + +When you depart--and, abroad, this is generally about daybreak--"Mr." +is always on the spot, haughty, as becomes a man about to be paid, but +considerate; there is a bouquet in petticoats for the Entresol--even, +for me, a condescending word. "_When you see_ Mr. SHONES _in London, +you tell him next year I make se Gulf-Links._" I don't know who +the dickens JONES may be, but I snigger. It all springs from that +miserable fiction of being an _Habitué_. "_Sans adieux!_" ejaculates +"Mr.," who is great at languages; so am I, but, somehow, find myself +saying "Good-bye" quite naturally. _À propos_ of languages, "Mr." +is very patient with the Ladies who _will_ speak to him in so-called +French or German, when they say, "_Où est le Portier?_" or "_Es +ist sehr schön heute_," he replies, in the genuine tongue. I once +overheard a lady discussing the chances of rest and quiet in the +"Grand Hôtel." "_Oui c'est une grande reste_." said she. It only +puzzled "Mr." for a moment. "_Parfaitement, Madame; c'est ravissant, +n'est-ce pas?_" and then "Mr." sold her the little Hand-book, composed +by the Clergyman, on which he receives a commission. + + * * * * * + +NEED I SAY MORE? + + I loved--and need I say she was a woman? + And need I say I thought her just divine? + Her beauty (like this rhyme) was quite uncommon. + Alas, she said she never could be mine! + + My Uncle was a Baronet, and wealthy, + But old, ill-tempered, deaf, and plagued with gout; + I was his heir, a pauper young and healthy; + My Uncle--need I say?--had cut me out. + + I swore--and need I say the words I muttered? + Sir HECTOR married KATE, and changed his will. + Dry bread for me! For her the tea-cake buttered. + I starved--and, need I say, I'm starving still! + + * * * * * + +"A CARPET KNIGHT"--Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE. Likewise that Sir B.M. is +"a Knight of the Round Table." [N.B. Great rush to let off these. +Contribution-Box joke-full of 'em. Impossible, therefore, to decide +"who spoke first." Reward of Merit still in hand.] + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--The Music-and-Hartland Committee will permit the +performance of brief "Sketches" in the Music Halls. Wouldn't +"Harmonies" by our own WHISTLER be more appropriate? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EARNEST POLITICIAN. + +"I'M VERY GLAD SIR PERCY PLANTAGENET WAS RETURNED, MISS!" + +"WHY,--ARE YOU A PRIMROSE DAME?" + +"NO, MISS,--BUT MY 'USBAND IS!"] + + * * * * * + +TIP TO TAX-COLLECTORS. + +(_AFTER HERRICK'S "COUNSEL TO GIRLS."_) + +A SONG OF THE EXCHEQUER. + +Air--"_Gather ye rose-buds while ye may._" + + Gather ye Taxes while ye may, + The time is fleetly flying; + And tenants who'd stump up to-day, + To-morrow may be shying. + + That annual "Lump," the Income Tax, + Still higher aye seems getting; + The sooner that for it you "ax," + The nearer you'll be netting. + + That payer's best who payeth first + The Exchequer's pert purse-stormer: + As the year wags still worse and worst + Times, still succeed the former. + + Then be not lax, but keep your time, + And dun, and press, and harry; + Tax-payers shirk, nor deem it crime, + If long Collectors tarry. + + * * * * * + +"WHERE SHALL WE GO?" is of course an important subject in the +holiday-time, and one to which _Sala's Journal_ devotes a column or +two weekly; but a still more important one is "_How shall we go it?_" +and having totted up the items there comes the final question, "_Where +shall we stay?_" And the wise, but seldom-given answer is--"_At +Home_." In any case, the traveller's motto should always be, "Wherever +you go, make yourself quite at Home"--and stay there, may be added by +the London Club Cynic, who wants everything all to himself. + + * * * * * + +THE LOST JOKE. + +(_A SONG OF A SAD BUT COMMON EXPERIENCE._) + +Air:--"_The Lost Chord._" + +[Illustration] + + Seated one day in my study + I was listless and ill at ease, + And my fingers twiddled idly + With the novel upon my knees. + I know not where I was straying + On the poppy-clustered shore, + But I suddenly struck on a Sparkler + Which fairly made me roar. + + I have joked _some_ jokes in my time, Sir, + But this was a Champion Joke, + And it fairly cut all record + As a humoristic stroke. + It was good for a dozen of dinners, + It was fit to crown my fame + As a shaper of sheer Side-splitters, + For which I have such a name. + + It flooded my spirit's twilight + Like the dawn on a dim dark lake, + For I knew that against all rivals + It would fairly "take the cake." + I said I will try it to-morrow,-- + I won't even tell my wife,-- + It will certainly fetch Lord FUMFUDGE, + And then--I am made for life! + + It links two most distant meanings + Into one perfect chime-- + * * * * * + Here my servant broke the silence, + And said it was dinner-time! + * * * * * + I have sought, but I seek it vainly, + That great Lost Joke of mine, + Which had slipped from my mind entirely + When I sat me down to dine. + + It may be that something some day + May bring it me back again; + But I only wish--confound it!-- + I had fixed it with pencil or pen. + It may be that luck--bright Angel!-- + May inspire me once more with that stroke, + But I fear me 'tis only in Limbo + I shall light on my great Lost Joke! + + * * * * * + +MRS. R., who has been busy with her juniors, tells us that she has +been horrified to learn from her Nephew, who has been fighting the +Slave-hunters on the Congo, that in that country they "preserve" the +bodies of their enemies. He writes to her--"I have 'potted' several +Arabs." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AU REVOIR!" + +SCENE--_NO. 10, DOWNING STREET. EXTERIOR._ + +S-L-SB-RY AND B-LF-R. "TA! TA! TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, OLD MAN! BACK +AGAIN SOON!" + +[_Exeunt_ "B. _and_ S."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FROM THE PARTICULAR TO THE GENERAL. + +"I SAY, OLD CHAPPIE--WHAT TREMENDOUS HIGH CHAIRS YOU'VE GOT--ONE'S +FEET POSITIVELY DANGLE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BAR. + + Work, work, work! + Sang HOOD, in the "_Song of the Shirt_," + Of the seamstress slave who worked to her grave + In poverty, hunger, and dirt. + Work, work, work! + The Bar-maid, too, can say, + Work for ten hours, or more; + Oh, for "eight hours" a day! + + Is she a happier slave + Where gilding and mirrors abound? + Of what can she think when eternal drink + Is the cry of all around? + Stand, stand, stand! + Serving sots from far and near; + Stand, stand, stand! + More whiskey! More brandy! More beer! + + Possibly some one may say, + "What can that matter to us? + She is frail, frivolous, gay; + She is not worth a fuss." + Prig, all her life is a snare, + You, so excessively good, + Would pity her rather if there + Once for ten hours you stood. + + How would you feel at the end? + You may not think she is fit, + Quite, for your sister's friend-- + Is she too wicked to sit? + Stand stand, stand! + In the smoke of pipe and cigar, + Always to think of eternal drink; + Oh, pity the Slave of the Bar! + + * * * * * + +BY A RIBBON GIRL WHO HAS BEEN TO FRANCE.--"Sure the town itself must +be full of go-a-head young women that a decent female wouldn't be seen +spaking to--else why is it called _Belle-Fast_?" + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA IN THE FUTURE. + +(_AS SUGGESTED BY "MUSICAL PAUPERS."_) + + SCENE--_Interior of Covent Garden on a Subscription Night. + The house is filled in the parts reserved for Subscribers. The + remainder of the Auditorium is less crowded. The Overture is + over, when there is a loud cry for the Manager. Enter before + the Curtain Courteous Gentleman, who bows, and waits in an + attitude of respectful attention._ + +_Person in the Amphitheatre._ I say, Mister, look 'ere, after charging +me sixpence for a seat, I'm 'anged if they don't want an extra penny +for a bill of the play. + +_Courteous Gentleman._ Highly improper, Sir. I will look into the +matter to-morrow, and if you are kind enough to identify the attendant +who has attempted this overcharge, I will have him dismissed. And now, +with your permission, your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies, and +Gentlemen, we will go on with the Musical performances. + + [_The Opera continues. At the end of the Third Act there + is another cry for the Manager. The Courteous Gentleman + re-enters before the Curtain, as before._ + +_Very Stout Person in the Amphitheatre Stalls._ I say, look here--I +paid two shillings for this seat, and the back's coming off. + +_Cour. Gen._ Perhaps, Sir, you have been leaning with a weight it is +unable to bear. + +_Very S.P._ Never mind about that. As I pay two shillings for my seat, +I expect you to stop the show until it's mended. + +_Cour. Gen._ As the show (as you call it, Sir) costs about two pounds +a minute, I fear that would be rather an extravagant proceeding. If I +may suggest, I would counsel you to change your seat to a more perfect +one. + +_Very S.P._ I like that! and get turned out by someone who had +reserved it. No, thankee! But there, after all, I _am_ rather heavy, +so let's say no more about it. + +_Cour. Gen._ I am infinitely obliged to you. + + [_Exit. The Opera continues until the commencement of the + last Act, when there is a frantic cry for the Manager. The + Courteous Gentleman again appears before the Curtain._ + +_Voices from the Cheaper Parts of the House._ Here, cut it short! +Let's get to the end. Let's see how the story finishes! + +_Cour. Gent._ I am at your disposal. + +_Spokesman._ Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot of us here who +want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you cut the performance? + +_Cour. Man._ Although your proposal, Sir, may cause some trouble and +complications, I will honestly do my best. [_Bows and exit._ + +_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND. + +[Illustration] + + O Boy!--O injudicious boy!-- + Who, swayed by dark and secret reasons, + Dost love thine elders to annoy + At sundry times and frequent seasons, + Why hast thou left thy tempting top-- + Thy penny-dreadful's gory garble-- + Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop-- + Thy aimlessly meandering marble? + + Thy catapult, so sure of aim, + In cold neglect, alas! reposes, + And even "tip-cat's" cherished game + No longer threatens eyes and noses; + Thy tube of tin (projecting peas) + At length has ceased from irritating; + But how much worse than all of these + Thy latest craze--for roller-skating! + + For, mounted on twin engines dread, + Thou rushest (with adventures graphic) + Where even angels fear to tread, + Because there's such a lot of traffic. + At lightning-speed we see thee glide, + (With malice every narrow _shave_ meant), + And charge thine elders far and wide, + Or stretch them prone upon the pavement. + + Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart, + (Thou skating imp! Thou rolling joker!) + And hit in some projecting part + The lawyer staid, or solemn broker. + Does pity never mar thy glee, + When upright men with torture double? + Oh, let our one petition be + That thou may'st come to grievous trouble! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION. + +"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?" + +"YES, SILVIA, VERY." + +"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?" + +"WHY, DARLING?" + +"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS. + + SCENE--_Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations + Company's Offices. Managing Director discovered presiding + over a large staff of Clerks. Enter Possible Customer._ + +_Possible Customer._ I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn +the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings--have you anything to +do with it? + +_Managing Director._ No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan +business of the same sort. Have you anything to advertise? + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, yes--several things. For instance, I am bringing out +a new sort of Beer. Can you recommend me good stations for that? + +_Man. Dir._ Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for the whole of the +best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If you get out a good poster +in Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the +Arabs. + +_Pos. Cus._ Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What about that? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug +in the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux. +We have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really +commanding position at the North Pole. + +_Pos. Cus._ What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant? + +_Man. Dir._ We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of +the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in +Venice, we would offer you the front of the Doge's Palace on the most +advantageous terms. + +_Pos. Cus._ Then I have an Everlasting Boot. + +_Man. Dir._ I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the +pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we +have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose. + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration. + +_Man. Dir._ (_anxious to trade_). Can't I tempt you, Sir, with a +million bills or so? We have all the best Royal Palaces in Europe, and +the most frequented of the Indian Temples. There is scarcely a spot +of any historical interest that we have not secured for our hoardings. +Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple Gardens, and site of +ancient Carthage to our list. We can do it very cheaply for you, Sir, +if your order is a large one. + +_Pos. Cus._ How about the papers? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, we insert advertisements in them, too. Shall we +begin with three columns in all the leading journals of the world? + +_Pos. Cus._ No, thank you. I think I will commence on a somewhat +smaller scale. (_Gives document._) Here is an order for three inches +for one insertion on the leader-page of the _Pimlico Pump_. + + [_Exit._ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Lords, Monday, August 15th._--Lords met to-day in charmingly +casual way. Since they were last here, Government been defeated; +the MARKISS out, Mr. G. in, and all that means or portends. Not +many present, but the MARKISS in his place smiling in unaffected +joyousness, just as Prince ARTHUR did in Commons when the end came. + +[Illustration: "Very odd!"] + +"Very odd," said PICKERSGILL, pressing his hat to his bosom; "it seems +nothing amuses the CECILS and their family belongings so much as a +reverse at the Poll." + +The MARKISS in such exuberant good humour at seeing KIMBERLEY opposite +to him, could not resist temptation to try on little joke. It was +not, he said, either desirable or usual that he, as outgoing Minister, +should say anything on present occasion. But perhaps KIMBERLEY would +oblige, and would give House full exposition of intentions of new +Ministry with respect to foreign and domestic affairs. KIMBERLEY +gravely answered, that not yet being Minister of the Crown, nor having +had opportunity of consulting with his colleagues, he was unprepared +to make statement on subject. + +In this dilemma DENMAN came to front. "My Lords--" he said. What +more he would have uttered is lost to posterity. MARKISS had moved +adjournment of House, and HALSBURY, who has had long practice on this +particular wicket, promptly bowled DENMAN out, by putting question and +declaring it carried. DENMAN stood moment looking, more in sorrow than +anger, at noble Lords hurrying out with unwonted agility. + +[Illustration: THE NEW CABINET.] + +"They made a mistake," he murmured; "especially HALSBURY. All I wanted +was to propose vote of thanks to him for the grace and dignity with +which he has presided over Debates in this House, and the manner in +which he has, by his dispensation of patronage, preserved the highest +traditions of his office, and even raised its lofty tone. Too late +now, too late;" and the old gentleman putting his crumpled papers in +his pocket, and wrapping his soiled pocket-handkerchief round the knob +of his walking-stick, strode sadly forth. + +[Illustration: "Bless me!"] + +Perhaps it was sight of this pathetic figure that sobered the MARKISS. +Anyhow, as we walked out together, found him in subdued mood, more +fitting the occasion than that assumed when addressing House. "All +over at last, TOBY," he said; "and I may go down to Hatfield, take +off my coat, and have a day's, or even a week's serene pleasure in my +workshop. I'm nobody of any account now, _ni_ Premier, _ni_ Foreign +Minister. Do you remember the lines written by an unknown hand on the +ruins of Berytus, which TRYPHON, King of Syria, sacked a hundred and +forty years before the Star rose at Bethlehem? I was thinking of them +just now, even when I was chaffing KIMBERLEY:-- + + 'Stay not your course, O Mariners, or me, + Nor furl your sails--is not my harbour dry? + Nought but one vast, forsaken tomb am I. + But steer for other lands, from sorrow free, + Where, by a happier and more prosp'rous shore, + Your anchor ye may drop, and rest your oar.'" + +"Not at all," I said. + +Rather an inadequate remark, I see, when I come to write it down. I'd +say something better if the MARKISS would repeat the lines. + +_Business done._--MARKISS announces Resignation of Ministry. + + * * * * * + +_House of Commons, Thursday._--House seems to have been meeting all +day. Began at three o'clock: Sitting suspended at half-past; resumed +at 4.30; off again till nine; might have been continued indefinitely +through night, only thunderstorm of unparalleled ferocity burst +over Metropolis, and put an end to further manoeuvring. "Bless me!" +tremulously murmured Lord SALISBURY's Black Man, as a peal of thunder +shook Clock Tower, and lighted up House of Lords with lurid flame, "if +these are home politics, wish I'd stayed in far-off Ind." + +At first gathering in Commons, parties changed sides. "The sheep to +the right, the goats to the left," as WILLIAM FIELD, Esq., M.P., said, +daintily crossing the floor. + +[Illustration: William Field, Esq., M.P.] + +This remark does not imply anything rude. Fact is FIELD, when at home +in Dublin, holds lofty position of President of Irish Cattle-Traders' +and Stock-Owners' Association. Similes from the stockyard come +naturally to his lips. Promises to be acquisition to Parliamentary +life. Is certainly lovely to look upon, with his flowing hair, his +soft felt hat, the glossy black of his necktie contrasting with glossy +white of his boundless shirt-front. Thought at first he was a poet; +rather disappointing to find he's only a butcher. Whatever he be, he's +refreshing to the eye, wearied with monotony of last Parliament. + +Writs moved for new Elections consequent on acceptance of Office. +Lobby seems full of new Whips, whom JACOB grimly eyes. CAUSTON with +unusually troubled look on manly brow. "What's the matter?" I asked. +"Afraid you'll be chucked?" + +"Oh, no!" he said; "Southwark's safe enough. But they're such doose +of fellows down there. Remember at General Election one took me neat. +After I had made speech to crowded meeting, lot of questions put. +Answered them all satisfactorily. At last one fellow got up, asked +me, in voice of thunder, 'Are you, in favour of temperance?' Rather +ticklish thing that, you know. As many against it as for it. Looked +all round the room; seemed remarkably decent lot; the man who was +heckling me a little rubicund as to the nose; but that might be +indigestion. Anyhow, felt unless I could satisfy him, I'd lose his +vote. 'Are you in favour of temperance?' he roared again. 'Yes, I am;' +I said, heartily. 'Then I ain't!' he roared back; and stamped his +way out of the room. That's the sort of fellows they are down at +Southwark. Never know where you have 'em. Generally turns out they +have _you_." + +_Business done._--Thunderstorm and Prorogation. + + * * * * * + +THE BUILDER AND THE ARCHITECT. + +[Illustration] + + The sun was shining on the fog, + Shining with all his might: + He did his very best to make + The London day look bright-- + And yet it seemed as though it were + The middle of the night. + + The Builder and the Architect + Were walking close at hand; + They wept like anything to see + Such eligible land: + "If this were only built upon," + They said, "it _would_ be grand!" + + "Oh, Tenants, come and live with us!" + The Builder did entreat, + "And take a little villa in + This countrified retreat, + Where stand straight rows of houses, + So very new and neat!" + + The elder Tenants looked at him, + But never a word said they; + The elder Tenants winked their eyes, + As though they meant to say, + "Old birds, like we, are never caught + By chaff in such a way." + + But four young Tenants hurried up, + Each eager to rent one; + Their looks were pale, their faces white, + Like muffins underdone-- + Which was not odd, because, you know, + They never saw the sun. + + The Builder and the Architect + Went on a year or so + Building damp villas on damp ground + Conveniently low: + And still some little houses stood + Quite empty in the row. + + "I cannot think," the Builder said, + "Why people should complain + Of mortar made of mud from roads, + Or roofs that let in rain, + Or sewer-gas that comes from an + Unventilated drain." + + "A fair return," the Builder said, + "Two hundred, say, per cent., + Is all the profit that I want + On anything I've spent, + Now, if you're ready, Tenants dear, + I'll take the quarter's rent." + + "But not from us," the Tenants cried, + "The houses are so new, + They've made us all so very ill + We don't know what to do." + "The County Court," the Builder said, + "Is very near to you." + + "I tell you what," the Builder said, + "I fear that I must seize + Your furniture, unless you pay; + So fork out, if you please." + And even he, in that damp air, + Began to cough and sneeze. + + "Oh, Tenants," said the Architect, + "Just think what I have done, + Designing such æsthetic homes!" + But answer came there none-- + And this was scarcely odd, because + They'd perished every one. + + * * * * * + +UNDER CONSIDERATION, AUGUST 21. + +No appointment could be more appropriate and in accordance with +the fitness of things than to make a GARDNER the new Minister of +Agriculture. Of course it has been suggested that a Rural Dean should +succeed to the vacant Chaplincy. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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