diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-8.txt | 1704 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 31255 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1745856 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/15144-h.htm | 2519 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/85.png | bin | 0 -> 36162 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/86.png | bin | 0 -> 203440 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/87-1.png | bin | 0 -> 114926 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/87-2.png | bin | 0 -> 39139 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/88.png | bin | 0 -> 87477 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/89.png | bin | 0 -> 39459 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/90-1.png | bin | 0 -> 136348 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/90-2.png | bin | 0 -> 23666 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/91.png | bin | 0 -> 290428 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/93-1.png | bin | 0 -> 84978 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/93-2.png | bin | 0 -> 25730 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/94-1.png | bin | 0 -> 141780 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/94-2.png | bin | 0 -> 24284 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/95.png | bin | 0 -> 393211 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/96-1.png | bin | 0 -> 15152 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/96-2.png | bin | 0 -> 16402 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144-h/images/96-3.png | bin | 0 -> 36285 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144.txt | 1704 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15144.zip | bin | 0 -> 31222 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
26 files changed, 5943 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15144-8.txt b/15144-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55470e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1704 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 27, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 27, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 22, 2005 [EBook #15144] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +August 27, 1892. + + + + +TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY. + +(_A SKETCH AT THE ISLINGTON ARCADIA._) + + SCENE--_The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is + revolving with its organ in full blast; near it is a + "Razzle-Dazzle" Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical + piano. To the combined strains of these instruments, the + merrier hearts of Islington are performing a desultory dance, + which seems to consist chiefly in the various couples charging + each other with desperate gallantry. At the further end of + the Hall is a Stage, on which a Variety Performance is in + progress, and along the side of the gallery a Switchback, the + rolling thunder of which, accompanied by masculine whoops and + feminine squeaks, is distinctly audible. Near the entrance + is a painted house-front with two doors, which are being + pitilessly battered with wooden balls; from time to time + a well-directed missile touches a spring, one of the doors + opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling and + sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of + laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy. + Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting the idyllic and + pastoral associations of Arcady, is an unpretending booth, + the placards on which announce it to be the temporary + resting-place of the "Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are + there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 years' residence + in the Desert of Gobi." There is also a solemn warning that + "it is impossible to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth, + a fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gentleman, in + evening clothes, and a particularly crumpled shirt-front--who + presents a sort of compromise between the Scientific Savant + and the German Waiter has just locked up his Assistant in + a wooden pillory, for no obvious reason except to attract + a crowd. The crowd collects accordingly, and includes a + Comic Coachman, who, with his Friend--a tall and speechless + nonentity--has evidently come out to enjoy himself_. + +[Illustration: "I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes."] + +_The Spectacled Gentleman_ (_letting the Assistant out of the +pillory, with the air of a man who does not often unbend to these +frivolities_). Now, Gentlemen, I am sure all those whom I see around +me have heard of those marvellous beings--the Mahatmas--and how they +can travel through space in astral bodies, and produce matter out of +nothing at all. (_Here the group endeavour to look as if these facts +were familiar to them from infancy, while the_ Comic Coachman _assumes +the intelligent interest of a Pantomime Clown in the price of a +property fish_.) Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be aware +that at this very moment the air all around you is full of ghosts. + +_The Comic Coachman_ (_affecting extreme terror_). 'Ere, let me get +_out_ o' this! Where's my friend? + +_The Sp. G._ I am only telling you the simple truth. There is, +floating above the head of each one of you, the ghostly counterpart of +himself; and the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smoking also +the ghost of a cigar or a pipe. + +_The C.C._ (_to his attendant Phantom_). 'Ere, 'and me down one o' +your smokes to try, will yer? + +_The Sp. G._ You laugh--but I am no believer in making statements +without proof to support them, and I shall now proceed to offer you +convincing evidence that what I say is true. (_Movement of startled +incredulity in group._) I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes. +(_Producing them_.) Now, Sir, (_to the_ C.C.) will you oblige me by +putting your finger in the bowls to test whether there is any tobacco +there or not? + +_The C.C._ Not _me_. None o' those games for me! Where's my +friend?--it's more in _'is_ line! + + [_The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background, + and, after a little hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests + the bowls, and pronounces them empty._ + +_The Sp. G._ Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these +empty pipes. (_He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity +of unmistakable smoke_.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a +deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner, will +you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir? (_To a bystander, who, not +without obvious misgivings, takes a few whiffs and produces smoke, +as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators._) +Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow +me to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen +inside for the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour +of introducing to you Mlle. SCINTILLA, who is not only the most +extraordinary Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest +woman now living! + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, _I'm_ comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's my +friend? he'll pay for _me_. He promised to take care o' me, and I +can't trust myself anywhere without 'im. + + [_He enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the + bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to + be lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for + initiation. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted + Scene, and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is + visible and vacant; behind the barrier which, separates the + Stage from the Audience stands Mlle. SCINTILLA, a young + lady in a crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if + not precisely a Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and + reassuringly material._ + +_The C.C._ Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I _like_ 'em! + + [_The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile._ + +_The Sp. G._ (_appearing on the Stage as Showman_). Now, Ladies and +Gentlemen! (_There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by +way of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any +moral support whatever._) You all know that Adepts have the power +of disintegrating material objects and re-integrating them when +they please. I have here a hollow mask. (_He exhibits a Pantomime +demon head._) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet, which as +you perceive is empty. I raise it--and underneath you will see +materialised a wonderful young lady who consists of a head and nothing +else. (_He discovers the head of a very human young person with short +curly hair._) Now those of you who are unmarried would find this young +lady an admirable wife for a man of small income, for, having no body, +she will cost him nothing whatever for her food or frocks. + +_The C.C._ (_with a touch of cynicism_). She'd make it up in 'ats and +bonnets, though; trust _'er_! + +_The Showman_. She is extremely sweet-tempered; and, when she observes +a number of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as there are +to-night, she will smile affectionately at them. + + [_The Head gives a very practical confirmation of this + assertion, and the Lady in the corner sniffs with strong + disapproval._ + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, I say--where's my friend? I want to take my 'ook out +o' this--the young Lady's 'ed is a smilin' at me, and it ain't _good_ +enough, yer know--she's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit _me_! + +_The Showman_ (_after extinguishing the Head, which is giggling +helplessly, in the Mask_). Now this other, young Lady, Mlle. +SCINTILLA, known to her friends as "SPARKS," is equally wonderful in +her way. It may surprise you when I inform you--(_here he puts his arm +affectionately round the Sibyl's neck_)--that, beautiful as she is, +she has never been kissed in her whole life! + +_The C.C._ (_with chivalrous indignation_). What? Ere, if _that's_ +all!-- + + [_He intimates, in pantomime, his perfect readiness to repair + this omission at once._ + +_The Showman_. This is owing to the fact that she is impregnated with +electricity to such an extraordinary degree, that any contact with her +lips will produce a shock which would probably prove fatal! + +_The C.C._ Oh, where _is_ that friend o' mine? (_To the Sibyl_.) I +come out without my lightnin' conductor this evenin', Miss; but I've +got a friend somewhere in 'ere as 'll be 'appy to represent me. + + [_The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved + to find that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously._ + +_The Showman_. As a proof that I am not speaking without foundation, +this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you will at +once become aware of the electric current. [_The Sibyl leans across +the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm for public pressure, +but there is the usual reluctance at first to embrace the opportunity. +At length a seeker after truth grasps the hand, and reports that +he "can feel a somethink," whereupon his example is followed by the +others, including the_ C.C., _who, finding the sensation agreeable, +pretends to be electrified to such an extent that he is unable to let +go--which concludes the entertainment._ + +_Spectators_ (_departing_). She _may_ have 'ad one o' them galvanic +belts on for all _you_ can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot _in_ it, +all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them clays! + +_The C.C._ (_to his Friend_.) That _was_ a lark, JIM! But look +'ere--don't you go tellin' the Missus; _she_ ain't on the Me'atmer +lay--not _much_, she ain't! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOURS EASY. + +_Sir E.L._ (_gaily_). "BARONETTED? OF COURSE, MY BOY--RIGHT THING TO +DO! THANKS. TA-TA!" [_Careers away, to keep up his circulation._ + +_Mr. P._ "AND _YOU_, MR. LABBY?" + +_H.L._ (_languidly_). "OH--AH--AS FOR _ME_--I'M OUT OF IT--THAT'S THE +TRUTH."] + + * * * * * + +WOT CHER, LABBY? + + ["Mr. LABOUCHERE, so he says, has come to London to enjoy the + smiles of the new Ministry."--_Morning Paper_.] + + Enjoy them, dear LABBY, smile back, if you can-- + Though your lip has a curl that portends something sinister-- + It is painful, I take it, to flash in the pan, + While a rival goes off with a bang as a Minister. + + But you (you're a cynic, that's one of the ways, + And by no means the worst, to get credit for kindness), + You can smile at this struggle for titles and praise, + You can laugh at your friends while you envy their blindness. + + A time, so I fancy you saying, will come; + They are not done with LABBY, for all their sweet smiling; + And they're vastly mistaken who think he'll be dumb, + Or abandon his amiable habit of riling. + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOTT!"--_Mr. Punch's_ congratulations to the new Bart. of +Scott's Bank, Cavendish Square, with the classic name of HORACE. His +friends will be able to adapt MACAULAY's lines, and tell-- + + "How well HORATIUS kept the Bank, + In the brave days of old." + +Of course, be it understood that "keeping the Bank" has nothing +whatever to do with Monte Carlo, or with any game of speculation. _Ad +multos annos!_ And to adapt again-- + + "On HORACE's head Honours accumulate!" + + * * * * * + +BALFOUR AND SALISBURY.--The late Government couldn't help having a +good dash of spirit in it, seeing it was a "B. and S." mixture. Now, +"B. and S."--off! _Vide_ _Mr. Punch's_ Cartoon this week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEVER SATISFIED. + +_Grumpy Husband._ "HOW BADLY INFORMED NEWSPAPERS ARE! WHY, HERE THEY +SAY, 'SIR THOMAS GRIMSBY ENTERTAINED US AND A NUMBER OF OTHERS AT +DINNER LAST NIGHT!' ENTERTAINED! WHY, I NEVER WAS SO BORED IN MY +LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +IN OFFICE WITH THE LABOUR VOTE. + +(_HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AWKWARD MATTER, ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + + SCENE--_A Smoking-Room and Lounge. Eminent Statesman + discovered filling a pipe. Private Secretary in + attendance._ + +_Em. S._ Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my lad, and have the +tea and decanters in readiness when I ring for them. Enough chairs? + +_Pri. Sec._ Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I thought if I got six +that would be enough. + +_Em. S._ Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in the Deputation. + + [_Private Secretary opens door, when enter several Workmen in + their Sunday best, headed by Fussy M.P._ + +_Fussy M.P._ (_with effusion_). My dear Sir, this is a great pleasure. +I hope I see you well. (_Shakes the hand of Eminent Statesman with +profuse cordiality._) And now, if you will allow me, I will introduce +these Delegates. It would have pleased them better if they could have +had an Autumn Session, but they are quite prepared to be satisfied +with an interview, as it is in the Recess. (_Speaking in the soft +tones of the House at Westminster._) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It +is my privilege as well as my duty--a most pleasant one--to introduce +what I may aptly declare to be the most representative body of men it +has ever been my good fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir-- + +_Em. S._ (_interrupting_). Thank you very much, but I fancy we can get +on better by talking it over quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't +mind, I will take off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves. + +[Illustration] + + [_Removes his coat._ + +_Fussy. M.P._ (_taken aback_). My dear Sir! + +_Members of the Deputation_. Thankee, Sir! We'll follow suit. + + [_They remove their coats._ + +_Em. S._ Now you would like to smoke? Well, my Private Secretary will +hand round cigars, cigarettes, and tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my +house Liberty Hall. Well, tell me--what's it all about? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_pointing to Fussy M.P._) Why he said as how he +would do all the speaking. + +_Em. S._ Very likely, and do it (_bowing to him_) very well. But I +would far rather that you should speak for yourselves. Come let us +meet as old friends. Now--what do you want? + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ Why, Sir, if you put it in that pleasant way, I +may say, payment for hours of labour put in by some one else. + +_Em. S._ Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how are you to manage it? + +_Third Mem. of Dep._ (_roughly_). That's your business, and not ours. +We tell you what we want, and you have to carry out our wishes. + +_Em. S._ (_smiling_). You mean the wishes of your class--your order? + +_Second Mem._ Well, that's about it. We _do_ represent them. Why we +are sent to you by over 100,000! + +_Em. S._ And what is the full complement of your combined trades? + +_Second Mem._ About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it. + +_Em. S._ With it! Do with what? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir--what we +require! + +_Em. S._ (_amiably_). And that is--? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_triumphantly_). Oh, you must tell us that! It +is not our place, but yours--see? + +_Em. S._ Not exactly. But will you not join me? (_Offers cigarettes._) +And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your +work for you? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_puffing at the tobacco_). Don't you think that +could be done by the Government? + +_Em. S._ _I_ don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with +your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter. +But you really must help me. + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ (_taken aback_). But, I say, Sir, is this quite +fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (_pointing to +the_ Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking. + +_Em. S._ Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new. +Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously? + +_Fourth Mem._ Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are +not accustomed to it. What does it all mean? + +_Em. S._ I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get +an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing--nor can I. So +now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me +detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in +your undertakings. And now, farewell! + +_First Mem._ Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye! + +_Em. S._ Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [_The Deputation leave._ +Eminent Statesman _turns his attention to other matters with a smile +of satisfaction._ + + * * * * * + +"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"--Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last +week. N.B.--Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the +straight tip. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY IN VENICE. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours truly's still stived + up in Town. + Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay on the brown + By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now is as bad as + they're made. + Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' nigh bunnicked + up Trade. + + _My_ screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of 'ard times, sez + our bloke. + I _did_ mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and + eat coke!" + Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty one, Luck, and no + kid; + Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're quisby, or + short of a quid. + + When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to myself, mate, + thinks I, + 'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney as 'ARRY must + try. + No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for the likes of + poor me; + But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at the Bride o' the + Sea. + + Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness quite takes the + cake. + Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to the popular fake. + "Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. no doubt. + Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when ikey young + I.K.'s about. + + Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the crimsing, the blue, + and the gold! + Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and prisums is out in + the cold. + I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' back yard, + With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that ain't 'Igh + 'Art, wy it's 'ard. + + 'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I 'ooks, + To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in them sixpenny + books. + Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE KIRALFY, dear + boy, + And he give me a two hours' _spektarkle_ old LEIGHTON hisself + might enjoy. + + Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that Synopsis you've + read; + Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't get it straight + in my 'ead. + Sort o' mixture of _Shylock_ and BYRON, with bits of _Othello_ + chucked in, + Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly blue fire and + bright tin. + + But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About arf a mile o' + stage front, + With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed all the time + on the 'unt. + Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage at the + double, old man, + All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their armour a-chink + as they ran! + + Old _Shylock_ turns up quite permiskus, and always upon the full + trot; + He seemed mixed up with Portias, and Doges, smart gals, and the + dickens knows wot. + All kep waving their arms like mad semy-phores, doin' the akrybat + prank, + As if they was swimming in nothink, or 'ailing a 'bus for the Bank. + + I sez to a party beside me, "Old man, wot the doose does it _mean_?" + Sez he, "A dry attic, yer know, of wich Venice, yer see, wos the + Queen. + That cove in a nightcap's the Doge; for an old 'un he _can_ move + about. + They had G.O.M.'s, mate, in Venice; of that there is not the least + doubt. + + "That's VETTORE PISANI, the Hadmiral; t'other is General ZENO + Defending the State, I persoom, and they're 'aving a fust-class + old beano. + Wy PEDRO THE SECOND, of Cyprus, and _Portia_ is made a rum blend + With Turps Siccory's Revels, and so on, no doubt we shall twig at + the hend." + + I sez, "Thankee! that's werry instructive. You _do_ know a lot, + mate, _you_ do!" + Then the fight at Chioggia came on. Sech a rum pully-haully all + through. + But the Victory Percession wos proper, and so was the All Frisky + _feet_, + And the way as they worked the gondolers, them streaky-legged + chaps, wos a treat. + + But the best o' the barney came arter. I took a gondoler, old man, + Sort o' wobbly black coffin afloat, and perpelled on the rummiest + plan + With one oar and a kind of notched post. But a dressy young party + in pink + 'Ad a seat in my ship, and seemed skeery. _I_ cheered 'er up--wot + do _you_ think? + + "No danger," sez I, "not a mossel! Now is there, old lollipop-legs? + Sit 'ere, Miss, and trim the old barky! Go gently now, young + 'Am-and-Eggs! + 'Ow much for yer mustard-striped kicksies? Way-oh! Wy, you nearly + run down + The Ryhalto that time, you young josser. Look hout, Miss, he'll + crack your sweet crown!" + + _Larf_, CHARLIE? She did a fair chortle. I _'ave_ sech a way with + the shes. + We 'ad six sixpennorths together--I tell you 'twos go-as-you-please! + Modern Venice, took out of a toy-box, with palaces fourteen foot + 'igh. + And Bridges o' Sighs cut in pasteboard, is larks all the same, and + no fly. + + Sort o' cosy romanticky feeling a-paddling along them canals, + With the manderlines twangling all round, and the larf of the + gayest of gals + Gurgling up through the Hightalian hair--though it do 'ave a + cockneyfied sniff,-- + Wy it's better than spooning at Marlow with MOLLY MOLLOY in a skiff. + + I felt like Lord BYRON, I tell yer; I stretched myself, orty-like, + hout, + And wished it could go on all night, wich my pardner did ditto, no + doubt. + Modern Venice in minichure, CHARLIE, ain't really so dusty, you bet; + I wos quite a Bassanio in breeks, and I ain't lost the twang of it + yet. + + _My_ Portia wos POLLY MARIA; she tipped me her name fair and free; + And a pootier young mossel o' muslin, I never 'ad perch on _my_ + knee. + No side on 'er, nothink lowlived, CHARLIE, ladylike down to the + ground, + I called 'er my fair "Bride of Venice." In fact, we wos 'appy all + round. + + She said _I_ wos _'er_ form to a hounce, and if anyone looked more + O.K., + In a nobby Gondoler than me, well that chap 'adn't travelled _'er_ + way; + Wich wos Barnsbury Park--so she whispered, with _sech_ a sly + giggle, dear boy! + I sez "Bully for IMRE KIRALFY! His Show is a thing to henjoy!" + + And so it is, CHARLIE, old hoyster. The music is twangly, I own, + And if I've a fancy myself, 'taint hexactly the Great Xylophone; + But the speeches of musical scratch-backs the dancers keep time + with so pat, + In that fairy-like Carnival Bally, fetched POLLY, ah, all round + 'er 'at! + + That 'at wos a spanker, I tell yer; as big as the Doge's + State-Barge, + And like all the "Four Seasons" in one! "Well," sez POLLY, "I _do_ + like 'em large, + Them Venetian pork-pies ain't _my_ fancy, no room for no trimmings + above. + They wouldn't suit Barnsbury Park, though they might do 'The + Castle of Love'!" + + Sort o' needled her somehow, I fancy; but, bless yer, I soon put + _that_ straight. + Gals is wonderful touchy on togs! Covent Garden piled high on a + plate + With a blue hostrich-feather all round it, mayn't be man's hidea + of a tile, + But I flattered her taste a rare bat, and soon 'ad her again on + the smile. + + Well, "Venice the Bride of the Sea," is wuth more than one visit, + old pal, + And I've got a hengagement next week to go there with the same + pooty gal. + I'm going to read up the subjeck, I'll cram for it all I can carry, + For I'm bound to be fair, in the know if young POLLY should question + +Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. I.--"MISTER." + +In a "Grand Hôtel" again; abroad; never mind which or where; have +experienced many Inns and many outings, but find all Grand Hôtels much +the same. "Lawn-tennis, English Church in the Spa_t_ious Grounds, good +station for friends of the _Fisch-Sport_."--But the quintessence of +Grand-Hotelism is "Mr." in his Bureau. + +The main thing about "Mr." is his frock-coat ("made in Germany"). It +is always buttoned; he is never without it; I believe he sleeps in +it. Divest him of this magician's robe (so to speak) and he would be +powerless. + +The Hôtel omnibus clatters in; "Mr." confronts us, smiling and serene, +with his two Secretaries of Legation. He discriminates the Inn-comers +at a glance.--"Numero 10, 11, 12, _entresol_;" for Noah-like +Paterfamilias with Caravan; "Numero 656, for se Leddy's med;" "Numero +80, for me, the _soi-disant Habitué_;" it's the room I'm _supposed_ to +have always had, so I pretend to like it. One Unremunerative-looking +Pedestrian, in knickerbockers, is assured that, if he waits half a +day or so, he may get an attic--"Back of se house; fine view of se +sluice-gate and cemetery."--U.-L.P. expostulates; he has telegraphed +for a good room; it's _too_ bad.--"Ver' sawy, but is quite complete +now, se Hôtel." U.-L.P., furious; "Hang it," &c. "Mr." deprecates this +ingratitude--"Ver' sawy, Sor; but if you don't like," (with decision), +"se whole wide wurrld is open to you!" Pedestrian retires, threatening +to write to the _Times_. Preposterous! as if the Editor would print +anything against "Mr."! "Mr.'s" attitude majestic and martyred; +CASABIANCA in a frock-coat! Bless you! he knows us all, better than +we know ourselves. He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket. + +[Illustration: "He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket."] + +When "Mr." is not writing, he is changing money. The sheepish Briton +stands dumb before this financier, and is shorn--of the exchange, +with an oafish fascination at "Mr.'s" dexterous manipulation of the +_rouleaux_ of gold and notes. Nobody dares haggle with "Mr." When he +is not changing money, he is, as I have said, writing, perhaps his +Reminiscences. It is "Mr." "What gif you se informations;" and _what_ +questions! The seasoned Pensionnaire wants to know how she can get +to that _lovely_ valley where the Tiger-lilies grow, without taking a +carriage. The British Matron, where she can buy rusks, "real English +rusks, you know." A cantankerous tripper asks "why he never has +bread-sauce with the nightly chicken." And we all troop to "Mr." after +breakfast, to beg him to affix postage-stamps to our letters, and to +demand the precise time when "they will reach England;" as if they +wouldn't reach at all without "Mr.'s" authority. It gives the nervous +a sense of security to watch "Mr." stamping envelopes. It is a way of +beginning the day in a Grand Hôtel. + +"Mr." gives you the idea of not wishing to make a profit; but he gives +you nothing else. You wish to be "_en pension_"--"Ver' well, Sor, it +is seventeen francs (or marks) the day;" but you soon discover that +your room is extra, and that you may not dine "apart;" in a word, you +are "Mr.'s" bondsman. Then there is the persuasive lady, who perhaps, +_may_ be stopping a week or more, but her plans are undecided--at any +rate six days--"Will 'Mr.' make a reduction?" "Mr." however, continues +his manuscript, oh ever so long! and smiles; his smile is worse than +his bite! I, the _Habitué_, approach "Mr." with a furtive clandestine +air, and observe cheerily, "I hope to remain here a month." +"Certainly, Sor; is better you do; will be se same as last year; I +gif you se same appartement, you see."--This with an air of favour. +I thank him profusely--for nothing. My bill turns out to be higher +than if I had been overcharged separately for everything. "Mr." is +the Master of the Arts of extras. He does not wish to make a profit; +oh no! but--ahem--he makes it. As for the outsiders who straggle in +casually for luncheon and want to be sharp with "Mr." afterwards, +they are soon settled. One who won't be done, complains of a prince's +ransom for a potato-salad.--"If you haf pertatas, you pay for +pertatas."--TALLEYRAND could not have been more unanswerable. + +"Mr." is immense at entertainments; it is "Mr." who organises "Se +Spanish Consairt," "Se Duetto of se Poor Blinds," and, of course, "Se +Bal"; he is very proud of his latest acquisition--the Orchestrion that +plays the dinner down. To see "Mr." dispatch itinerant minstrels would +do our County Council good. + +"Mr." knows our compatriots _au fond_; he makes no extra charge for +toast at breakfast, and you only pay half-a-crown for a pot of George +the Third Marmalade, to lubricate it withal. Five-o'clock tea comes +up at six, just as at home. He makes much of Actors, Peers, and +Clergymen. Sunday is a great day for "Mr." He directs everyone to the +English Church in "The Grounds"--(fifteen benches and one tree, with a +fountain between them); and then goes off to play cards, but always +in his frock-coat. The "Chaplain" gets his breakfast-egg gratis; and +a stray Bishop writes, "Nothing can exceed the comfort of this Hôtel," +in that Doomsday Book of Visitors. + +When you depart--and, abroad, this is generally about daybreak--"Mr." +is always on the spot, haughty, as becomes a man about to be paid, but +considerate; there is a bouquet in petticoats for the Entresol--even, +for me, a condescending word. "_When you see_ Mr. SHONES _in London, +you tell him next year I make se Gulf-Links._" I don't know who +the dickens JONES may be, but I snigger. It all springs from that +miserable fiction of being an _Habitué_. "_Sans adieux!_" ejaculates +"Mr.," who is great at languages; so am I, but, somehow, find myself +saying "Good-bye" quite naturally. _À propos_ of languages, "Mr." +is very patient with the Ladies who _will_ speak to him in so-called +French or German, when they say, "_Où est le Portier?_" or "_Es +ist sehr schön heute_," he replies, in the genuine tongue. I once +overheard a lady discussing the chances of rest and quiet in the +"Grand Hôtel." "_Oui c'est une grande reste_." said she. It only +puzzled "Mr." for a moment. "_Parfaitement, Madame; c'est ravissant, +n'est-ce pas?_" and then "Mr." sold her the little Hand-book, composed +by the Clergyman, on which he receives a commission. + + * * * * * + +NEED I SAY MORE? + + I loved--and need I say she was a woman? + And need I say I thought her just divine? + Her beauty (like this rhyme) was quite uncommon. + Alas, she said she never could be mine! + + My Uncle was a Baronet, and wealthy, + But old, ill-tempered, deaf, and plagued with gout; + I was his heir, a pauper young and healthy; + My Uncle--need I say?--had cut me out. + + I swore--and need I say the words I muttered? + Sir HECTOR married KATE, and changed his will. + Dry bread for me! For her the tea-cake buttered. + I starved--and, need I say, I'm starving still! + + * * * * * + +"A CARPET KNIGHT"--Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE. Likewise that Sir B.M. is +"a Knight of the Round Table." [N.B. Great rush to let off these. +Contribution-Box joke-full of 'em. Impossible, therefore, to decide +"who spoke first." Reward of Merit still in hand.] + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--The Music-and-Hartland Committee will permit the +performance of brief "Sketches" in the Music Halls. Wouldn't +"Harmonies" by our own WHISTLER be more appropriate? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EARNEST POLITICIAN. + +"I'M VERY GLAD SIR PERCY PLANTAGENET WAS RETURNED, MISS!" + +"WHY,--ARE YOU A PRIMROSE DAME?" + +"NO, MISS,--BUT MY 'USBAND IS!"] + + * * * * * + +TIP TO TAX-COLLECTORS. + +(_AFTER HERRICK'S "COUNSEL TO GIRLS."_) + +A SONG OF THE EXCHEQUER. + +Air--"_Gather ye rose-buds while ye may._" + + Gather ye Taxes while ye may, + The time is fleetly flying; + And tenants who'd stump up to-day, + To-morrow may be shying. + + That annual "Lump," the Income Tax, + Still higher aye seems getting; + The sooner that for it you "ax," + The nearer you'll be netting. + + That payer's best who payeth first + The Exchequer's pert purse-stormer: + As the year wags still worse and worst + Times, still succeed the former. + + Then be not lax, but keep your time, + And dun, and press, and harry; + Tax-payers shirk, nor deem it crime, + If long Collectors tarry. + + * * * * * + +"WHERE SHALL WE GO?" is of course an important subject in the +holiday-time, and one to which _Sala's Journal_ devotes a column or +two weekly; but a still more important one is "_How shall we go it?_" +and having totted up the items there comes the final question, "_Where +shall we stay?_" And the wise, but seldom-given answer is--"_At +Home_." In any case, the traveller's motto should always be, "Wherever +you go, make yourself quite at Home"--and stay there, may be added by +the London Club Cynic, who wants everything all to himself. + + * * * * * + +THE LOST JOKE. + +(_A SONG OF A SAD BUT COMMON EXPERIENCE._) + +Air:--"_The Lost Chord._" + +[Illustration] + + Seated one day in my study + I was listless and ill at ease, + And my fingers twiddled idly + With the novel upon my knees. + I know not where I was straying + On the poppy-clustered shore, + But I suddenly struck on a Sparkler + Which fairly made me roar. + + I have joked _some_ jokes in my time, Sir, + But this was a Champion Joke, + And it fairly cut all record + As a humoristic stroke. + It was good for a dozen of dinners, + It was fit to crown my fame + As a shaper of sheer Side-splitters, + For which I have such a name. + + It flooded my spirit's twilight + Like the dawn on a dim dark lake, + For I knew that against all rivals + It would fairly "take the cake." + I said I will try it to-morrow,-- + I won't even tell my wife,-- + It will certainly fetch Lord FUMFUDGE, + And then--I am made for life! + + It links two most distant meanings + Into one perfect chime-- + * * * * * + Here my servant broke the silence, + And said it was dinner-time! + * * * * * + I have sought, but I seek it vainly, + That great Lost Joke of mine, + Which had slipped from my mind entirely + When I sat me down to dine. + + It may be that something some day + May bring it me back again; + But I only wish--confound it!-- + I had fixed it with pencil or pen. + It may be that luck--bright Angel!-- + May inspire me once more with that stroke, + But I fear me 'tis only in Limbo + I shall light on my great Lost Joke! + + * * * * * + +MRS. R., who has been busy with her juniors, tells us that she has +been horrified to learn from her Nephew, who has been fighting the +Slave-hunters on the Congo, that in that country they "preserve" the +bodies of their enemies. He writes to her--"I have 'potted' several +Arabs." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AU REVOIR!" + +SCENE--_NO. 10, DOWNING STREET. EXTERIOR._ + +S-L-SB-RY AND B-LF-R. "TA! TA! TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, OLD MAN! BACK +AGAIN SOON!" + +[_Exeunt_ "B. _and_ S."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FROM THE PARTICULAR TO THE GENERAL. + +"I SAY, OLD CHAPPIE--WHAT TREMENDOUS HIGH CHAIRS YOU'VE GOT--ONE'S +FEET POSITIVELY DANGLE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BAR. + + Work, work, work! + Sang HOOD, in the "_Song of the Shirt_," + Of the seamstress slave who worked to her grave + In poverty, hunger, and dirt. + Work, work, work! + The Bar-maid, too, can say, + Work for ten hours, or more; + Oh, for "eight hours" a day! + + Is she a happier slave + Where gilding and mirrors abound? + Of what can she think when eternal drink + Is the cry of all around? + Stand, stand, stand! + Serving sots from far and near; + Stand, stand, stand! + More whiskey! More brandy! More beer! + + Possibly some one may say, + "What can that matter to us? + She is frail, frivolous, gay; + She is not worth a fuss." + Prig, all her life is a snare, + You, so excessively good, + Would pity her rather if there + Once for ten hours you stood. + + How would you feel at the end? + You may not think she is fit, + Quite, for your sister's friend-- + Is she too wicked to sit? + Stand stand, stand! + In the smoke of pipe and cigar, + Always to think of eternal drink; + Oh, pity the Slave of the Bar! + + * * * * * + +BY A RIBBON GIRL WHO HAS BEEN TO FRANCE.--"Sure the town itself must +be full of go-a-head young women that a decent female wouldn't be seen +spaking to--else why is it called _Belle-Fast_?" + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA IN THE FUTURE. + +(_AS SUGGESTED BY "MUSICAL PAUPERS."_) + + SCENE--_Interior of Covent Garden on a Subscription Night. + The house is filled in the parts reserved for Subscribers. The + remainder of the Auditorium is less crowded. The Overture is + over, when there is a loud cry for the Manager. Enter before + the Curtain Courteous Gentleman, who bows, and waits in an + attitude of respectful attention._ + +_Person in the Amphitheatre._ I say, Mister, look 'ere, after charging +me sixpence for a seat, I'm 'anged if they don't want an extra penny +for a bill of the play. + +_Courteous Gentleman._ Highly improper, Sir. I will look into the +matter to-morrow, and if you are kind enough to identify the attendant +who has attempted this overcharge, I will have him dismissed. And now, +with your permission, your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies, and +Gentlemen, we will go on with the Musical performances. + + [_The Opera continues. At the end of the Third Act there + is another cry for the Manager. The Courteous Gentleman + re-enters before the Curtain, as before._ + +_Very Stout Person in the Amphitheatre Stalls._ I say, look here--I +paid two shillings for this seat, and the back's coming off. + +_Cour. Gen._ Perhaps, Sir, you have been leaning with a weight it is +unable to bear. + +_Very S.P._ Never mind about that. As I pay two shillings for my seat, +I expect you to stop the show until it's mended. + +_Cour. Gen._ As the show (as you call it, Sir) costs about two pounds +a minute, I fear that would be rather an extravagant proceeding. If I +may suggest, I would counsel you to change your seat to a more perfect +one. + +_Very S.P._ I like that! and get turned out by someone who had +reserved it. No, thankee! But there, after all, I _am_ rather heavy, +so let's say no more about it. + +_Cour. Gen._ I am infinitely obliged to you. + + [_Exit. The Opera continues until the commencement of the + last Act, when there is a frantic cry for the Manager. The + Courteous Gentleman again appears before the Curtain._ + +_Voices from the Cheaper Parts of the House._ Here, cut it short! +Let's get to the end. Let's see how the story finishes! + +_Cour. Gent._ I am at your disposal. + +_Spokesman._ Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot of us here who +want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you cut the performance? + +_Cour. Man._ Although your proposal, Sir, may cause some trouble and +complications, I will honestly do my best. [_Bows and exit._ + +_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND. + +[Illustration] + + O Boy!--O injudicious boy!-- + Who, swayed by dark and secret reasons, + Dost love thine elders to annoy + At sundry times and frequent seasons, + Why hast thou left thy tempting top-- + Thy penny-dreadful's gory garble-- + Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop-- + Thy aimlessly meandering marble? + + Thy catapult, so sure of aim, + In cold neglect, alas! reposes, + And even "tip-cat's" cherished game + No longer threatens eyes and noses; + Thy tube of tin (projecting peas) + At length has ceased from irritating; + But how much worse than all of these + Thy latest craze--for roller-skating! + + For, mounted on twin engines dread, + Thou rushest (with adventures graphic) + Where even angels fear to tread, + Because there's such a lot of traffic. + At lightning-speed we see thee glide, + (With malice every narrow _shave_ meant), + And charge thine elders far and wide, + Or stretch them prone upon the pavement. + + Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart, + (Thou skating imp! Thou rolling joker!) + And hit in some projecting part + The lawyer staid, or solemn broker. + Does pity never mar thy glee, + When upright men with torture double? + Oh, let our one petition be + That thou may'st come to grievous trouble! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION. + +"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?" + +"YES, SILVIA, VERY." + +"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?" + +"WHY, DARLING?" + +"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS. + + SCENE--_Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations + Company's Offices. Managing Director discovered presiding + over a large staff of Clerks. Enter Possible Customer._ + +_Possible Customer._ I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn +the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings--have you anything to +do with it? + +_Managing Director._ No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan +business of the same sort. Have you anything to advertise? + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, yes--several things. For instance, I am bringing out +a new sort of Beer. Can you recommend me good stations for that? + +_Man. Dir._ Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for the whole of the +best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If you get out a good poster +in Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the +Arabs. + +_Pos. Cus._ Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What about that? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug +in the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux. +We have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really +commanding position at the North Pole. + +_Pos. Cus._ What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant? + +_Man. Dir._ We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of +the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in +Venice, we would offer you the front of the Doge's Palace on the most +advantageous terms. + +_Pos. Cus._ Then I have an Everlasting Boot. + +_Man. Dir._ I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the +pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we +have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose. + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration. + +_Man. Dir._ (_anxious to trade_). Can't I tempt you, Sir, with a +million bills or so? We have all the best Royal Palaces in Europe, and +the most frequented of the Indian Temples. There is scarcely a spot +of any historical interest that we have not secured for our hoardings. +Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple Gardens, and site of +ancient Carthage to our list. We can do it very cheaply for you, Sir, +if your order is a large one. + +_Pos. Cus._ How about the papers? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, we insert advertisements in them, too. Shall we +begin with three columns in all the leading journals of the world? + +_Pos. Cus._ No, thank you. I think I will commence on a somewhat +smaller scale. (_Gives document._) Here is an order for three inches +for one insertion on the leader-page of the _Pimlico Pump_. + + [_Exit._ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Lords, Monday, August 15th._--Lords met to-day in charmingly +casual way. Since they were last here, Government been defeated; +the MARKISS out, Mr. G. in, and all that means or portends. Not +many present, but the MARKISS in his place smiling in unaffected +joyousness, just as Prince ARTHUR did in Commons when the end came. + +[Illustration: "Very odd!"] + +"Very odd," said PICKERSGILL, pressing his hat to his bosom; "it seems +nothing amuses the CECILS and their family belongings so much as a +reverse at the Poll." + +The MARKISS in such exuberant good humour at seeing KIMBERLEY opposite +to him, could not resist temptation to try on little joke. It was +not, he said, either desirable or usual that he, as outgoing Minister, +should say anything on present occasion. But perhaps KIMBERLEY would +oblige, and would give House full exposition of intentions of new +Ministry with respect to foreign and domestic affairs. KIMBERLEY +gravely answered, that not yet being Minister of the Crown, nor having +had opportunity of consulting with his colleagues, he was unprepared +to make statement on subject. + +In this dilemma DENMAN came to front. "My Lords--" he said. What +more he would have uttered is lost to posterity. MARKISS had moved +adjournment of House, and HALSBURY, who has had long practice on this +particular wicket, promptly bowled DENMAN out, by putting question and +declaring it carried. DENMAN stood moment looking, more in sorrow than +anger, at noble Lords hurrying out with unwonted agility. + +[Illustration: THE NEW CABINET.] + +"They made a mistake," he murmured; "especially HALSBURY. All I wanted +was to propose vote of thanks to him for the grace and dignity with +which he has presided over Debates in this House, and the manner in +which he has, by his dispensation of patronage, preserved the highest +traditions of his office, and even raised its lofty tone. Too late +now, too late;" and the old gentleman putting his crumpled papers in +his pocket, and wrapping his soiled pocket-handkerchief round the knob +of his walking-stick, strode sadly forth. + +[Illustration: "Bless me!"] + +Perhaps it was sight of this pathetic figure that sobered the MARKISS. +Anyhow, as we walked out together, found him in subdued mood, more +fitting the occasion than that assumed when addressing House. "All +over at last, TOBY," he said; "and I may go down to Hatfield, take +off my coat, and have a day's, or even a week's serene pleasure in my +workshop. I'm nobody of any account now, _ni_ Premier, _ni_ Foreign +Minister. Do you remember the lines written by an unknown hand on the +ruins of Berytus, which TRYPHON, King of Syria, sacked a hundred and +forty years before the Star rose at Bethlehem? I was thinking of them +just now, even when I was chaffing KIMBERLEY:-- + + 'Stay not your course, O Mariners, or me, + Nor furl your sails--is not my harbour dry? + Nought but one vast, forsaken tomb am I. + But steer for other lands, from sorrow free, + Where, by a happier and more prosp'rous shore, + Your anchor ye may drop, and rest your oar.'" + +"Not at all," I said. + +Rather an inadequate remark, I see, when I come to write it down. I'd +say something better if the MARKISS would repeat the lines. + +_Business done._--MARKISS announces Resignation of Ministry. + + * * * * * + +_House of Commons, Thursday._--House seems to have been meeting all +day. Began at three o'clock: Sitting suspended at half-past; resumed +at 4.30; off again till nine; might have been continued indefinitely +through night, only thunderstorm of unparalleled ferocity burst +over Metropolis, and put an end to further manoeuvring. "Bless me!" +tremulously murmured Lord SALISBURY's Black Man, as a peal of thunder +shook Clock Tower, and lighted up House of Lords with lurid flame, "if +these are home politics, wish I'd stayed in far-off Ind." + +At first gathering in Commons, parties changed sides. "The sheep to +the right, the goats to the left," as WILLIAM FIELD, Esq., M.P., said, +daintily crossing the floor. + +[Illustration: William Field, Esq., M.P.] + +This remark does not imply anything rude. Fact is FIELD, when at home +in Dublin, holds lofty position of President of Irish Cattle-Traders' +and Stock-Owners' Association. Similes from the stockyard come +naturally to his lips. Promises to be acquisition to Parliamentary +life. Is certainly lovely to look upon, with his flowing hair, his +soft felt hat, the glossy black of his necktie contrasting with glossy +white of his boundless shirt-front. Thought at first he was a poet; +rather disappointing to find he's only a butcher. Whatever he be, he's +refreshing to the eye, wearied with monotony of last Parliament. + +Writs moved for new Elections consequent on acceptance of Office. +Lobby seems full of new Whips, whom JACOB grimly eyes. CAUSTON with +unusually troubled look on manly brow. "What's the matter?" I asked. +"Afraid you'll be chucked?" + +"Oh, no!" he said; "Southwark's safe enough. But they're such doose +of fellows down there. Remember at General Election one took me neat. +After I had made speech to crowded meeting, lot of questions put. +Answered them all satisfactorily. At last one fellow got up, asked +me, in voice of thunder, 'Are you, in favour of temperance?' Rather +ticklish thing that, you know. As many against it as for it. Looked +all round the room; seemed remarkably decent lot; the man who was +heckling me a little rubicund as to the nose; but that might be +indigestion. Anyhow, felt unless I could satisfy him, I'd lose his +vote. 'Are you in favour of temperance?' he roared again. 'Yes, I am;' +I said, heartily. 'Then I ain't!' he roared back; and stamped his +way out of the room. That's the sort of fellows they are down at +Southwark. Never know where you have 'em. Generally turns out they +have _you_." + +_Business done._--Thunderstorm and Prorogation. + + * * * * * + +THE BUILDER AND THE ARCHITECT. + +[Illustration] + + The sun was shining on the fog, + Shining with all his might: + He did his very best to make + The London day look bright-- + And yet it seemed as though it were + The middle of the night. + + The Builder and the Architect + Were walking close at hand; + They wept like anything to see + Such eligible land: + "If this were only built upon," + They said, "it _would_ be grand!" + + "Oh, Tenants, come and live with us!" + The Builder did entreat, + "And take a little villa in + This countrified retreat, + Where stand straight rows of houses, + So very new and neat!" + + The elder Tenants looked at him, + But never a word said they; + The elder Tenants winked their eyes, + As though they meant to say, + "Old birds, like we, are never caught + By chaff in such a way." + + But four young Tenants hurried up, + Each eager to rent one; + Their looks were pale, their faces white, + Like muffins underdone-- + Which was not odd, because, you know, + They never saw the sun. + + The Builder and the Architect + Went on a year or so + Building damp villas on damp ground + Conveniently low: + And still some little houses stood + Quite empty in the row. + + "I cannot think," the Builder said, + "Why people should complain + Of mortar made of mud from roads, + Or roofs that let in rain, + Or sewer-gas that comes from an + Unventilated drain." + + "A fair return," the Builder said, + "Two hundred, say, per cent., + Is all the profit that I want + On anything I've spent, + Now, if you're ready, Tenants dear, + I'll take the quarter's rent." + + "But not from us," the Tenants cried, + "The houses are so new, + They've made us all so very ill + We don't know what to do." + "The County Court," the Builder said, + "Is very near to you." + + "I tell you what," the Builder said, + "I fear that I must seize + Your furniture, unless you pay; + So fork out, if you please." + And even he, in that damp air, + Began to cough and sneeze. + + "Oh, Tenants," said the Architect, + "Just think what I have done, + Designing such æsthetic homes!" + But answer came there none-- + And this was scarcely odd, because + They'd perished every one. + + * * * * * + +UNDER CONSIDERATION, AUGUST 21. + +No appointment could be more appropriate and in accordance with +the fitness of things than to make a GARDNER the new Minister of +Agriculture. Of course it has been suggested that a Rural Dean should +succeed to the vacant Chaplincy. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, August 27, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15144-8.txt or 15144-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/1/4/15144/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15144-8.zip b/15144-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e167c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-8.zip diff --git a/15144-h.zip b/15144-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..74fcfa6 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h.zip diff --git a/15144-h/15144-h.htm b/15144-h/15144-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0124e0f --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/15144-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2519 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, August 27, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 27, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 27, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 22, 2005 [EBook #15144] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 27, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <h2>TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Sketch at the Islington Arcadia.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Agricultural Hall. A large + Steam-Circus is revolving with its organ in full blast; + near it is a "Razzle-Dazzle" Machine, provided with a + powerful mechanical piano. To the combined strains of these + instruments, the merrier hearts of Islington are performing + a desultory dance, which seems to consist chiefly in the + various couples charging each other with desperate + gallantry. At the further end of the Hall is a Stage, on + which a Variety Performance is in progress, and along the + side of the gallery a Switchback, the rolling thunder of + which, accompanied by masculine whoops and feminine + squeaks, is distinctly audible. Near the entrance is a + painted house-front with two doors, which are being + pitilessly battered with wooden balls; from time to time a + well-directed missile touches a spring, one of the doors + opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling and + sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of + laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic + privacy. Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting the + idyllic and pastoral associations of Arcady, is an + unpretending booth, the placards on which announce it to be + the temporary resting-place of the "Far-famed Adepts of + Thibet," who are there for a much-needed change, after a + "3500 years' residence in the Desert of Gobi." There is + also a solemn warning that "it is impossible to spoof a + Mahatma." In front of this booth, a fair-headed, + round-faced, and</i> Spectacled Gentleman, <i>in evening + clothes, and a particularly crumpled shirt-front—who + presents a sort of compromise between the Scientific Savant + and the German Waiter has just locked up his Assistant in a + wooden pillory, for no obvious reason except to attract a + crowd. The crowd collects accordingly, and includes a</i> + Comic Coachman, <i>who, with his Friend—a tall and + speechless nonentity—has evidently come out to enjoy + himself</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="'I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes.'" /> + </a>"I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes." + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Spectacled Gentleman</i> (<i>letting the + Assistant out of the pillory, with the air of a man who + does not often unbend to these frivolities</i>). Now, + Gentlemen, I am sure all those whom I see around me have + heard of those marvellous beings—the + Mahatmas—and how they can travel through space in + astral bodies, and produce matter out of nothing at all. + (<i>Here the group endeavour to look as if these facts were + familiar to them from infancy, while the</i> Comic Coachman + <i>assumes the intelligent interest of a Pantomime Clown in + the price of a property fish</i>.) Very well; but perhaps + some of you may not be aware that at this very moment the + air all around you is full of ghosts.</p> + + <p><i>The Comic Coachman</i> (<i>affecting extreme + terror</i>). 'Ere, let me get <i>out</i> o' this! Where's + my friend?</p> + + <p><i>The Sp. G.</i> I am only telling you the simple + truth. There is, floating above the head of each one of + you, the ghostly counterpart of himself; and the ghost of + anybody who is smoking will be smoking also the ghost of a + cigar or a pipe.</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> (<i>to his attendant Phantom</i>). 'Ere, + 'and me down one o' your smokes to try, will yer?</p> + + <p><i>The Sp. G.</i> You laugh—but I am no believer + in making statements without proof to support them, and I + shall now proceed to offer you convincing evidence that + what I say is true. (<i>Movement of startled incredulity in + group.</i>) I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes. + (<i>Producing them</i>.) Now, Sir, (<i>to the</i> C.C.) + will you oblige me by putting your finger in the bowls to + test whether there is any tobacco there or not?</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> Not <i>me</i>. None o' those games for + me! Where's my friend?—it's more in <i>'is</i> + line!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Friend, however, remains modestly in the + background, and, after a little hesitation, a more + courageous spirit tests the bowls, and pronounces them + empty.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Sp. G.</i> Very well, I will now smoke the + spirit-tobacco in these empty pipes. (<i>He puts them both + in his mouth, and emits a quantity of unmistakable + smoke</i>.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a + deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some + manner, will you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir? + (<i>To a bystander, who, not without obvious misgivings, + takes a few whiffs and produces smoke, as well as a marked + impression upon the most sceptical spectators.</i>) Having + thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow + me to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be + seen inside for the small sum of twopence, where I shall + have the honour of introducing to you Mlle. SCINTILLA, who + is not only the most extraordinary Scientific Wonder of the + World, but also the loveliest woman now living!</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> 'Ere, <i>I'm</i> comin' in, I am. I'm on + to this. Where's my friend? he'll pay for <i>me</i>. He + promised to take care o' me, and I can't trust myself + anywhere without 'im.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, + and the bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is + about to be lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant + fee for initiation. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly + painted Scene, and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of + which is visible and vacant; behind the barrier which, + separates the Stage from the Audience stands</i> Mlle. + SCINTILLA, <i>a young lady in a crimson silk blouse and a + dark skirt, who if not precisely a Modern Helen, is + distinctly attractive and reassuringly material.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The C.C.</i> Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I + <i>like</i> 'em!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Sibyl receives this tribute with a + smile.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Sp. G.</i> (<i>appearing on the Stage as + Showman</i>). Now, Ladies and Gentlemen! (<i>There is one + Lady present, who stands at the side, by way of indicating + that she declines to give the proceedings any moral support + whatever.</i>) You all know that Adepts have the power of + disintegrating material objects and re-integrating them + when they please. I have here a hollow mask. (<i>He + exhibits a Pantomime demon head.</i>) I place it upon the + roof of this cabinet, which as you perceive is empty. I + raise it—and underneath you will see materialised a + wonderful young lady who consists of a head and nothing + else. (<i>He discovers the head of a very human young + person with short curly hair.</i>) Now those of you who are + unmarried would find this young lady an admirable wife for + a man of small income, for, having no body, she will cost + him nothing whatever for her food or frocks.</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> (<i>with a touch of cynicism</i>). She'd + make it up in 'ats and bonnets, though; trust + <i>'er</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Showman</i>. She is extremely sweet-tempered; + and, when she observes a number of good-looking gentlemen + in the front row, as there are to-night, she will smile + affectionately at them.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Head gives a very practical confirmation of this + assertion, and the Lady in the corner sniffs with strong + disapproval.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The C.C.</i> 'Ere, I say—where's my friend? I + want to take my 'ook out o' this—the young Lady's 'ed + is a smilin' at me, and it ain't <i>good</i> enough, yer + know—she's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit + <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Showman</i> (<i>after extinguishing the Head, + which is giggling helplessly, in the Mask</i>). Now this + other, young Lady, Mlle. SCINTILLA, known to her friends as + "SPARKS," is equally wonderful in her way. It may surprise + you when I inform you—(<i>here he puts his arm + affectionately round the Sibyl's neck</i>)—that, + beautiful as she is, she has never been kissed in her whole + life!</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> (<i>with chivalrous indignation</i>). + What? Ere, if <i>that's</i> all!—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He intimates, in pantomime, his perfect readiness to + repair this omission at once.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Showman</i>. This is owing to the fact that she + is impregnated with electricity to such an extraordinary + degree, that any contact with her lips will produce a shock + which would probably prove fatal!</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> Oh, where <i>is</i> that friend o' mine? + (<i>To the Sibyl</i>.) I come out without my lightnin' + conductor this evenin', Miss; but I've got a friend + somewhere in 'ere as 'll be 'appy to represent me.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is + relieved to find that the Sibyl does not take the offer + seriously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Showman</i>. As a proof that I am not speaking + without foundation, this young lady will allow you to feel + her hands, when you will at once become aware of the + electric current. [<i>The Sibyl leans across the barrier, + and tenders a decidedly pretty palm for public pressure, + but there is the usual reluctance at first to embrace the + opportunity. At length a seeker after truth grasps the + hand, and reports that he "can feel a somethink," whereupon + his example is followed by the others, including the</i> + C.C., <i>who, finding the sensation agreeable, pretends to + be electrified to such an extent that he is unable to let + go—which concludes the entertainment.</i></p> + + <p><i>Spectators</i> (<i>departing</i>). She <i>may</i> + have 'ad one o' them galvanic belts on for all <i>you</i> + can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot <i>in</i> it, all + the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them + clays!</p> + + <p><i>The C.C.</i> (<i>to his Friend</i>.) That <i>was</i> + a lark, JIM! But look 'ere—don't you go tellin' the + Missus; <i>she</i> ain't on the Me'atmer lay—not + <i>much</i>, she ain't!</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="HONOURS EASY." /></a> + + <h3>HONOURS EASY.</h3> + + <p><i>Sir E.L.</i> (<i>gaily</i>). "BARONETTED? OF COURSE, + MY BOY—RIGHT THING TO DO! THANKS. TA-TA!" [<i>Careers + away, to keep up his circulation.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. P.</i> "AND <i>YOU</i>, MR. LABBY?"</p> + + <p><i>H.L.</i> (<i>languidly</i>). "OH—AH—AS + FOR <i>ME</i>—I'M OUT OF IT—THAT'S THE + TRUTH."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WOT CHER, LABBY?</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Mr. LABOUCHERE, so he says, has come to London to + enjoy the smiles of the new Ministry."—<i>Morning + Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enjoy them, dear LABBY, smile back, if you + can—</p> + + <p class="i2">Though your lip has a curl that portends + something sinister—</p> + + <p>It is painful, I take it, to flash in the pan,</p> + + <p class="i2">While a rival goes off with a bang as a + Minister.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But you (you're a cynic, that's one of the ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">And by no means the worst, to get credit + for kindness),</p> + + <p>You can smile at this struggle for titles and + praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">You can laugh at your friends while you + envy their blindness.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A time, so I fancy you saying, will come;</p> + + <p class="i2">They are not done with LABBY, for all + their sweet smiling;</p> + + <p>And they're vastly mistaken who think he'll be + dumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or abandon his amiable habit of + riling.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"GREAT SCOTT!"—<i>Mr. Punch's</i> congratulations to + the new Bart. of Scott's Bank, Cavendish Square, with the + classic name of HORACE. His friends will be able to adapt + MACAULAY's lines, and tell—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How well HORATIUS kept the Bank,</p> + + <p>In the brave days of old."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Of course, be it understood that "keeping the Bank" has + nothing whatever to do with Monte Carlo, or with any game of + speculation. <i>Ad multos annos!</i> And to adapt + again—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"On HORACE's head Honours accumulate!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BALFOUR AND SALISBURY.—The late Government couldn't + help having a good dash of spirit in it, seeing it was a "B. + and S." mixture. Now, "B. and S."—off! <i>Vide</i> <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> Cartoon this week.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" + id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/87-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/87-1.png" + alt="NEVER SATISFIED." /></a> + + <h3>NEVER SATISFIED.</h3><i>Grumpy Husband.</i> "HOW BADLY + INFORMED NEWSPAPERS ARE! WHY, HERE THEY SAY, 'SIR THOMAS + GRIMSBY ENTERTAINED US AND A NUMBER OF OTHERS AT DINNER + LAST NIGHT!' ENTERTAINED! WHY, I NEVER WAS SO BORED IN MY + LIFE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN OFFICE WITH THE LABOUR VOTE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>How to deal with an Awkward Matter, according to + Precedent.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Smoking-Room and Lounge.</i> Eminent + Statesman <i>discovered filling a pipe.</i> Private + Secretary <i>in attendance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my + lad, and have the tea and decanters in readiness when I + ring for them. Enough chairs?</p> + + <p><i>Pri. Sec.</i> Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I + thought if I got six that would be enough.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in + the Deputation.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Private Secretary <i>opens door, when enter several + Workmen in their Sunday best, headed by</i> Fussy M.P.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Fussy M.P.</i> (<i>with effusion</i>). My dear Sir, + this is a great pleasure. I hope I see you well. (<i>Shakes + the hand of</i> Eminent Statesman <i>with profuse + cordiality.</i>) And now, if you will allow me, I will + introduce these Delegates. It would have pleased them + better if they could have had an Autumn Session, but they + are quite prepared to be satisfied with an interview, as it + is in the Recess. (<i>Speaking in the soft tones of the + House at Westminster.</i>) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It is + my privilege as well as my duty—a most pleasant + one—to introduce what I may aptly declare to be the + most representative body of men it has ever been my good + fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir—</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Thank you very + much, but I fancy we can get on better by talking it over + quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't mind, I will take + off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/87-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/87-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Removes his coat.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Fussy. M.P.</i> (<i>taken aback</i>). My dear + Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Members of the Deputation</i>. Thankee, Sir! We'll + follow suit.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They remove their coats.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Now you would like to smoke? Well, my + Private Secretary will hand round cigars, cigarettes, and + tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my house Liberty Hall. + Well, tell me—what's it all about?</p> + + <p><i>First Mem. of Dep.</i> (<i>pointing to Fussy + M.P.</i>) Why he said as how he would do all the + speaking.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Very likely, and do it (<i>bowing to + him</i>) very well. But I would far rather that you should + speak for yourselves. Come let us meet as old friends. + Now—what do you want?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem. of Dep.</i> Why, Sir, if you put it in + that pleasant way, I may say, payment for hours of labour + put in by some one else.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how + are you to manage it?</p> + + <p><i>Third Mem. of Dep.</i> (<i>roughly</i>). That's your + business, and not ours. We tell you what we want, and you + have to carry out our wishes.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). You mean the wishes of + your class—your order?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> Well, that's about it. We <i>do</i> + represent them. Why we are sent to you by over 100,000!</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> And what is the full complement of your + combined trades?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem.</i> About nine millions, but that has + nothing to do with it.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> With it! Do with what?</p> + + <p><i>First Mem. of Dep.</i> Why, what we require, Right + Hon. Sir—what we require!</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> (<i>amiably</i>). And that is—?</p> + + <p><i>First Mem. of Dep.</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). Oh, you + must tell us that! It is not our place, but + yours—see?</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Not exactly. But will you not join me? + (<i>Offers cigarettes.</i>) And now let us get at the heart + of the question. Who is to do your work for you?</p> + + <p><i>First Mem. of Dep.</i> (<i>puffing at the + tobacco</i>). Don't you think that could be done by the + Government?</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> <i>I</i> don't know. I am delighted to see + you, because it is with your assistance that I propose + mastering the details of the matter. But you really must + help me.</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem. of Dep.</i> (<i>taken aback</i>). But, I + say, Sir, is this quite fair? We are accustomed to put up + someone such as he (<i>pointing to the</i> Fussy M.P.), and + leave it to him to do all the talking.</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I + prefer the new. Pray go on. How will you get your work done + gratuitously?</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Oh, come! That's putting it a little + too strong! We are not accustomed to it. What does it all + mean?</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> I think I can answer you. My good friends, + until you can get an idea of what you really want, you can + do nothing—nor can I. So now, if you have another + appointment to keep, please don't let me detain you. All I + can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in your + undertakings. And now, farewell!</p> + + <p><i>First Mem.</i> Well, Sir, if you won't see us any + more, good-bye!</p> + + <p><i>Em. S.</i> Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! + [<i>The Deputation leave.</i> Eminent Statesman <i>turns + his attention to other matters with a smile of + satisfaction.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"—Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was + knighted last week. N.B.—Would have been mentioned + earlier, if we had had the straight tip.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" + id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> + + <h2>'ARRY IN VENICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DEAR CHARLIE,—'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours + truly's still stived up in Town.</p> + + <p>Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay + on the brown</p> + + <p>By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now + is as bad as they're made.</p> + + <p>Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' + nigh bunnicked up Trade.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>My</i> screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of + 'ard times, sez our bloke.</p> + + <p>I <i>did</i> mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez + Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and eat coke!"</p> + + <p>Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty + one, Luck, and no kid;</p> + + <p>Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're + quisby, or short of a quid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to + myself, mate, thinks I,</p> + + <p>'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney + as 'ARRY must try.</p> + + <p>No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for + the likes of poor me;</p> + + <p>But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at + the Bride o' the Sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness + quite takes the cake.</p> + + <p>Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to + the popular fake.</p> + + <p>"Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. + no doubt.</p> + + <p>Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when + ikey young I.K.'s about.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the + crimsing, the blue, and the gold!</p> + + <p>Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and + prisums is out in the cold.</p> + + <p>I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' + back yard,</p> + + <p>With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that + ain't 'Igh 'Art, wy it's 'ard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I + 'ooks,</p> + + <p>To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in + them sixpenny books.</p> + + <p>Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE + KIRALFY, dear boy,</p> + + <p>And he give me a two hours' <i>spektarkle</i> old + LEIGHTON hisself might enjoy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that + Synopsis you've read;</p> + + <p>Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't + get it straight in my 'ead.</p> + + <p>Sort o' mixture of <i>Shylock</i> and BYRON, with + bits of <i>Othello</i> chucked in,</p> + + <p>Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly + blue fire and bright tin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About + arf a mile o' stage front,</p> + + <p>With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed + all the time on the 'unt.</p> + + <p>Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage + at the double, old man,</p> + + <p>All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their + armour a-chink as they ran!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old <i>Shylock</i> turns up quite permiskus, and + always upon the full trot;</p> + + <p>He seemed mixed up with Portias, and Doges, smart + gals, and the dickens knows wot.</p> + + <p>All kep waving their arms like mad semy-phores, + doin' the akrybat prank,</p> + + <p>As if they was swimming in nothink, or 'ailing a + 'bus for the Bank.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I sez to a party beside me, "Old man, wot the doose + does it <i>mean</i>?"</p> + + <p>Sez he, "A dry attic, yer know, of wich Venice, yer + see, wos the Queen.</p> + + <p>That cove in a nightcap's the Doge; for an old 'un + he <i>can</i> move about.</p> + + <p>They had G.O.M.'s, mate, in Venice; of that there is + not the least doubt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"That's VETTORE PISANI, the Hadmiral; t'other is + General ZENO</p> + + <p>Defending the State, I persoom, and they're 'aving a + fust-class old beano.</p> + + <p>Wy PEDRO THE SECOND, of Cyprus, and <i>Portia</i> is + made a rum blend</p> + + <p>With Turps Siccory's Revels, and so on, no doubt we + shall twig at the hend."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I sez, "Thankee! that's werry instructive. You + <i>do</i> know a lot, mate, <i>you</i> do!"</p> + + <p>Then the fight at Chioggia came on. Sech a rum + pully-haully all through.</p> + + <p>But the Victory Percession wos proper, and so was + the All Frisky <i>feet</i>,</p> + + <p>And the way as they worked the gondolers, them + streaky-legged chaps, wos a treat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the best o' the barney came arter. I took a + gondoler, old man,</p> + + <p>Sort o' wobbly black coffin afloat, and perpelled on + the rummiest plan</p> + + <p>With one oar and a kind of notched post. But a + dressy young party in pink</p> + + <p>'Ad a seat in my ship, and seemed skeery. <i>I</i> + cheered 'er up—wot do <i>you</i> think?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No danger," sez I, "not a mossel! Now is there, old + lollipop-legs?</p> + + <p>Sit 'ere, Miss, and trim the old barky! Go gently + now, young 'Am-and-Eggs!</p> + + <p>'Ow much for yer mustard-striped kicksies? Way-oh! + Wy, you nearly run down</p> + + <p>The Ryhalto that time, you young josser. Look hout, + Miss, he'll crack your sweet crown!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Larf</i>, CHARLIE? She did a fair chortle. I + <i>'ave</i> sech a way with the shes.</p> + + <p>We 'ad six sixpennorths together—I tell you + 'twos go-as-you-please!</p> + + <p>Modern Venice, took out of a toy-box, with palaces + fourteen foot 'igh.</p> + + <p>And Bridges o' Sighs cut in pasteboard, is larks all + the same, and no fly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sort o' cosy romanticky feeling a-paddling along + them canals,</p> + + <p>With the manderlines twangling all round, and the + larf of the gayest of gals</p> + + <p>Gurgling up through the Hightalian hair—though + it do 'ave a cockneyfied sniff,—</p> + + <p>Wy it's better than spooning at Marlow with MOLLY + MOLLOY in a skiff.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I felt like Lord BYRON, I tell yer; I stretched + myself, orty-like, hout,</p> + + <p>And wished it could go on all night, wich my pardner + did ditto, no doubt.</p> + + <p>Modern Venice in minichure, CHARLIE, ain't really so + dusty, you bet;</p> + + <p>I wos quite a Bassanio in breeks, and I ain't lost + the twang of it yet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>My</i> Portia wos POLLY MARIA; she tipped me her + name fair and free;</p> + + <p>And a pootier young mossel o' muslin, I never 'ad + perch on <i>my</i> knee.</p> + + <p>No side on 'er, nothink lowlived, CHARLIE, ladylike + down to the ground,</p> + + <p>I called 'er my fair "Bride of Venice." In fact, we + wos 'appy all round.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She said <i>I</i> wos <i>'er</i> form to a hounce, + and if anyone looked more O.K.,</p> + + <p>In a nobby Gondoler than me, well that chap 'adn't + travelled <i>'er</i> way;</p> + + <p>Wich wos Barnsbury Park—so she whispered, with + <i>sech</i> a sly giggle, dear boy!</p> + + <p>I sez "Bully for IMRE KIRALFY! His Show is a thing + to henjoy!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so it is, CHARLIE, old hoyster. The music is + twangly, I own,</p> + + <p>And if I've a fancy myself, 'taint hexactly the + Great Xylophone;</p> + + <p>But the speeches of musical scratch-backs the + dancers keep time with so pat,</p> + + <p>In that fairy-like Carnival Bally, fetched POLLY, + ah, all round 'er 'at!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That 'at wos a spanker, I tell yer; as big as the + Doge's State-Barge,</p> + + <p>And like all the "Four Seasons" in one! "Well," sez + POLLY, "I <i>do</i> like 'em large,</p> + + <p>Them Venetian pork-pies ain't <i>my</i> fancy, no + room for no trimmings above.</p> + + <p>They wouldn't suit Barnsbury Park, though they might + do 'The Castle of + Love'!"</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" + id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sort o' needled her somehow, I fancy; but, bless + yer, I soon put <i>that</i> straight.</p> + + <p>Gals is wonderful touchy on togs! Covent Garden + piled high on a plate</p> + + <p>With a blue hostrich-feather all round it, mayn't be + man's hidea of a tile,</p> + + <p>But I flattered her taste a rare bat, and soon 'ad + her again on the smile.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, "Venice the Bride of the Sea," is wuth more + than one visit, old pal,</p> + + <p>And I've got a hengagement next week to go there + with the same pooty gal.</p> + + <p>I'm going to read up the subjeck, I'll cram for it + all I can carry,</p> + + <p>For I'm bound to be fair, in the know if young POLLY + should question</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">Yours, 'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>INNS AND OUTS.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">No. I.—"Mister."</h3> + + <p>In a "Grand Hôtel" again; abroad; never mind which or where; + have experienced many Inns and many outings, but find all Grand + Hôtels much the same. "Lawn-tennis, English Church in the + Spa<i>t</i>ious Grounds, good station for friends of the + <i>Fisch-Sport</i>."—But the quintessence of + Grand-Hotelism is "Mr." in his Bureau.</p> + + <p>The main thing about "Mr." is his frock-coat ("made in + Germany"). It is always buttoned; he is never without it; I + believe he sleeps in it. Divest him of this magician's robe (so + to speak) and he would be powerless.</p> + + <p>The Hôtel omnibus clatters in; "Mr." confronts us, smiling + and serene, with his two Secretaries of Legation. He + discriminates the Inn-comers at a glance.—"Numero 10, 11, + 12, <i>entresol</i>;" for Noah-like Paterfamilias with Caravan; + "Numero 656, for se Leddy's med;" "Numero 80, for me, the + <i>soi-disant Habitué</i>;" it's the room I'm <i>supposed</i> + to have always had, so I pretend to like it. One + Unremunerative-looking Pedestrian, in knickerbockers, is + assured that, if he waits half a day or so, he may get an + attic—"Back of se house; fine view of se sluice-gate and + cemetery."—U.-L.P. expostulates; he has telegraphed for a + good room; it's <i>too</i> bad.—"Ver' sawy, but is quite + complete now, se Hôtel." U.-L.P., furious; "Hang it," &c. + "Mr." deprecates this ingratitude—"Ver' sawy, Sor; but if + you don't like," (with decision), "se whole wide wurrld is open + to you!" Pedestrian retires, threatening to write to the + <i>Times</i>. Preposterous! as if the Editor would print + anything against "Mr."! "Mr.'s" attitude majestic and martyred; + CASABIANCA in a frock-coat! Bless you! he knows us all, better + than we know ourselves. He sees the Cook's ticket through the + U.-L.P.'s Norfolk-jacket.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/89.png" + alt="'He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s Norfolk-jacket.'" /> + </a>"He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s + Norfolk-jacket." + </div> + + <p>When "Mr." is not writing, he is changing money. The + sheepish Briton stands dumb before this financier, and is + shorn—of the exchange, with an oafish fascination at + "Mr.'s" dexterous manipulation of the <i>rouleaux</i> of gold + and notes. Nobody dares haggle with "Mr." When he is not + changing money, he is, as I have said, writing, perhaps his + Reminiscences. It is "Mr." "What gif you se informations;" and + <i>what</i> questions! The seasoned Pensionnaire wants to know + how she can get to that <i>lovely</i> valley where the + Tiger-lilies grow, without taking a carriage. The British + Matron, where she can buy rusks, "real English rusks, you + know." A cantankerous tripper asks "why he never has + bread-sauce with the nightly chicken." And we all troop to + "Mr." after breakfast, to beg him to affix postage-stamps to + our letters, and to demand the precise time when "they will + reach England;" as if they wouldn't reach at all without + "Mr.'s" authority. It gives the nervous a sense of security to + watch "Mr." stamping envelopes. It is a way of beginning the + day in a Grand Hôtel.</p> + + <p>"Mr." gives you the idea of not wishing to make a profit; + but he gives you nothing else. You wish to be "<i>en + pension</i>"—"Ver' well, Sor, it is seventeen francs (or + marks) the day;" but you soon discover that your room is extra, + and that you may not dine "apart;" in a word, you are "Mr.'s" + bondsman. Then there is the persuasive lady, who perhaps, + <i>may</i> be stopping a week or more, but her plans are + undecided—at any rate six days—"Will 'Mr.' make a + reduction?" "Mr." however, continues his manuscript, oh ever so + long! and smiles; his smile is worse than his bite! I, the + <i>Habitué</i>, approach "Mr." with a furtive clandestine air, + and observe cheerily, "I hope to remain here a month." + "Certainly, Sor; is better you do; will be se same as last + year; I gif you se same appartement, you see."—This with + an air of favour. I thank him profusely—for nothing. My + bill turns out to be higher than if I had been overcharged + separately for everything. "Mr." is the Master of the Arts of + extras. He does not wish to make a profit; oh no! + but—ahem—he makes it. As for the outsiders who + straggle in casually for luncheon and want to be sharp with + "Mr." afterwards, they are soon settled. One who won't be done, + complains of a prince's ransom for a potato-salad.—"If + you haf pertatas, you pay for pertatas."—TALLEYRAND could + not have been more unanswerable.</p> + + <p>"Mr." is immense at entertainments; it is "Mr." who + organises "Se Spanish Consairt," "Se Duetto of se Poor Blinds," + and, of course, "Se Bal"; he is very proud of his latest + acquisition—the Orchestrion that plays the dinner down. + To see "Mr." dispatch itinerant minstrels would do our County + Council good.</p> + + <p>"Mr." knows our compatriots <i>au fond</i>; he makes no + extra charge for toast at breakfast, and you only pay + half-a-crown for a pot of George the Third Marmalade, to + lubricate it withal. Five-o'clock tea comes up at six, just as + at home. He makes much of Actors, Peers, and Clergymen. Sunday + is a great day for "Mr." He directs everyone to the English + Church in "The Grounds"—(fifteen benches and one tree, + with a fountain between them); and then goes off to play cards, + but always in his frock-coat. The "Chaplain" gets his + breakfast-egg gratis; and a stray Bishop writes, "Nothing can + exceed the comfort of this Hôtel," in that Doomsday Book of + Visitors.</p> + + <p>When you depart—and, abroad, this is generally about + daybreak—"Mr." is always on the spot, haughty, as becomes + a man about to be paid, but considerate; there is a bouquet in + petticoats for the Entresol—even, for me, a condescending + word. "<i>When you see</i> Mr. SHONES <i>in London, you tell + him next year I make se Gulf-Links.</i>" I don't know who the + dickens JONES may be, but I snigger. It all springs from that + miserable fiction of being an <i>Habitué</i>. "<i>Sans + adieux!</i>" ejaculates "Mr.," who is great at languages; so am + I, but, somehow, find myself saying "Good-bye" quite naturally. + <i>À propos</i> of languages, "Mr." is very patient with the + Ladies who <i>will</i> speak to him in so-called French or + German, when they say, "<i>Où est le Portier?</i>" or "<i>Es + ist sehr schön heute</i>," he replies, in the genuine tongue. I + once overheard a lady discussing the chances of rest and quiet + in the "Grand Hôtel." "<i>Oui c'est une grande reste</i>." said + she. It only puzzled "Mr." for a moment. "<i>Parfaitement, + Madame; c'est ravissant, n'est-ce pas?</i>" and then "Mr." sold + her the little Hand-book, composed by the Clergyman, on which + he receives a commission.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NEED I SAY MORE?</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I loved—and need I say she was a woman?</p> + + <p class="i2">And need I say I thought her just + divine?</p> + + <p>Her beauty (like this rhyme) was quite uncommon.</p> + + <p class="i2">Alas, she said she never could be + mine!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My Uncle was a Baronet, and wealthy,</p> + + <p class="i2">But old, ill-tempered, deaf, and plagued + with gout;</p> + + <p>I was his heir, a pauper young and healthy;</p> + + <p class="i2">My Uncle—need I say?—had cut + me out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I swore—and need I say the words I + muttered?</p> + + <p class="i2">Sir HECTOR married KATE, and changed his + will.</p> + + <p>Dry bread for me! For her the tea-cake buttered.</p> + + <p class="i2">I starved—and, need I say, I'm + starving still!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"A CARPET KNIGHT"—Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE. Likewise that + Sir B.M. is "a Knight of the Round Table." [N.B. Great rush to + let off these. Contribution-Box joke-full of 'em. Impossible, + therefore, to decide "who spoke first." Reward of Merit still + in hand.]</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTION.—The Music-and-Hartland Committee will + permit the performance of brief "Sketches" in the Music Halls. + Wouldn't "Harmonies" by our own WHISTLER be more + appropriate?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" + id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/90-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/90-1.png" + alt="AN EARNEST POLITICIAN." /></a> + + <h3>AN EARNEST POLITICIAN.</h3> + + <p>"I'M VERY GLAD SIR PERCY PLANTAGENET WAS RETURNED, + MISS!"</p> + + <p>"WHY,—ARE YOU A PRIMROSE DAME?"</p> + + <p>"NO, MISS,—BUT MY 'USBAND IS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TIP TO TAX-COLLECTORS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Herrick's "Counsel to Girls."</i>)</h4> + + <h3 class="sc">A Song of the Exchequer.</h3> + + <center> + Air—"<i>Gather ye rose-buds while ye may.</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gather ye Taxes while ye may,</p> + + <p class="i2">The time is fleetly flying;</p> + + <p>And tenants who'd stump up to-day,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-morrow may be shying.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That annual "Lump," the Income Tax,</p> + + <p class="i2">Still higher aye seems getting;</p> + + <p>The sooner that for it you "ax,"</p> + + <p class="i2">The nearer you'll be netting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That payer's best who payeth first</p> + + <p class="i2">The Exchequer's pert purse-stormer:</p> + + <p>As the year wags still worse and worst</p> + + <p class="i2">Times, still succeed the former.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then be not lax, but keep your time,</p> + + <p class="i2">And dun, and press, and harry;</p> + + <p>Tax-payers shirk, nor deem it crime,</p> + + <p class="i2">If long Collectors tarry.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHERE SHALL WE GO?" is of course an important subject in + the holiday-time, and one to which <i>Sala's Journal</i> + devotes a column or two weekly; but a still more important one + is "<i>How shall we go it?</i>" and having totted up the items + there comes the final question, "<i>Where shall we stay?</i>" + And the wise, but seldom-given answer is—"<i>At + Home</i>." In any case, the traveller's motto should always be, + "Wherever you go, make yourself quite at Home"—and stay + there, may be added by the London Club Cynic, who wants + everything all to himself.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LOST JOKE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Song of a Sad but Common Experience.</i>)</h4> + + <center> + Air:—"<i>The Lost Chord.</i>" + </center> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/90-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/90-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Seated one day in my study</p> + + <p class="i2">I was listless and ill at ease,</p> + + <p>And my fingers twiddled idly</p> + + <p class="i2">With the novel upon my knees.</p> + + <p>I know not where I was straying</p> + + <p class="i2">On the poppy-clustered shore,</p> + + <p>But I suddenly struck on a Sparkler</p> + + <p class="i2">Which fairly made me roar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have joked <i>some</i> jokes in my time, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this was a Champion Joke,</p> + + <p>And it fairly cut all record</p> + + <p class="i2">As a humoristic stroke.</p> + + <p>It was good for a dozen of dinners,</p> + + <p class="i2">It was fit to crown my fame</p> + + <p>As a shaper of sheer Side-splitters,</p> + + <p class="i2">For which I have such a name.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It flooded my spirit's twilight</p> + + <p class="i2">Like the dawn on a dim dark lake,</p> + + <p>For I knew that against all rivals</p> + + <p class="i2">It would fairly "take the cake."</p> + + <p>I said I will try it to-morrow,—</p> + + <p class="i2">I won't even tell my wife,—</p> + + <p>It will certainly fetch Lord FUMFUDGE,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then—I am made for life!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It links two most distant meanings</p> + + <p class="i2">Into one perfect chime—</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Here my servant broke the silence,</p> + + <p class="i2">And said it was dinner-time!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have sought, but I seek it vainly,</p> + + <p class="i2">That great Lost Joke of mine,</p> + + <p>Which had slipped from my mind entirely</p> + + <p class="i2">When I sat me down to dine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be that something some day</p> + + <p class="i2">May bring it me back again;</p> + + <p>But I only wish—confound it!—</p> + + <p class="i2">I had fixed it with pencil or pen.</p> + + <p>It may be that luck—bright Angel!—</p> + + <p class="i2">May inspire me once more with that + stroke,</p> + + <p>But I fear me 'tis only in Limbo</p> + + <p class="i2">I shall light on my great Lost Joke!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R., who has been busy with her juniors, tells us that + she has been horrified to learn from her Nephew, who has been + fighting the Slave-hunters on the Congo, that in that country + they "preserve" the bodies of their enemies. He writes to + her—"I have 'potted' several Arabs."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" + id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/91.png" + alt="'AU REVOIR!'" /></a> + + <h3>"AU REVOIR!"</h3> + + <h4>SCENE—<i>No.</i> 10, <i>Downing Street. + Exterior.</i></h4>S-L-SB-RY AND B-LF-R. "TA! TA! TAKE CARE + OF THE HOUSE, OLD MAN! BACK AGAIN SOON!" + + <p class="author">[<i>Exeunt</i> "B. <i>and</i> S."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" + id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/93-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93-1.png" + alt="FROM THE PARTICULAR TO THE GENERAL." /></a> + + <h3>FROM THE PARTICULAR TO THE GENERAL.</h3>"I SAY, OLD + CHAPPIE—WHAT TREMENDOUS HIGH CHAIRS YOU'VE + GOT—ONE'S FEET POSITIVELY DANGLE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SONG OF THE BAR.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Work, work, work!</p> + + <p class="i2">Sang HOOD, in the "<i>Song of the + Shirt</i>,"</p> + + <p>Of the seamstress slave who worked to her grave</p> + + <p class="i2">In poverty, hunger, and dirt.</p> + + <p>Work, work, work!</p> + + <p class="i2">The Bar-maid, too, can say,</p> + + <p>Work for ten hours, or more;</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, for "eight hours" a day!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is she a happier slave</p> + + <p class="i2">Where gilding and mirrors abound?</p> + + <p>Of what can she think when eternal drink</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the cry of all around?</p> + + <p>Stand, stand, stand!</p> + + <p class="i2">Serving sots from far and near;</p> + + <p>Stand, stand, stand!</p> + + <p class="i2">More whiskey! More brandy! More beer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Possibly some one may say,</p> + + <p class="i2">"What can that matter to us?</p> + + <p>She is frail, frivolous, gay;</p> + + <p class="i2">She is not worth a fuss."</p> + + <p>Prig, all her life is a snare,</p> + + <p class="i2">You, so excessively good,</p> + + <p>Would pity her rather if there</p> + + <p class="i2">Once for ten hours you stood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How would you feel at the end?</p> + + <p class="i2">You may not think she is fit,</p> + + <p>Quite, for your sister's friend—</p> + + <p class="i2">Is she too wicked to sit?</p> + + <p>Stand stand, stand!</p> + + <p class="i2">In the smoke of pipe and cigar,</p> + + <p>Always to think of eternal drink;</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, pity the Slave of the Bar!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BY A RIBBON GIRL WHO HAS BEEN TO FRANCE.—"Sure the + town itself must be full of go-a-head young women that a decent + female wouldn't be seen spaking to—else why is it called + <i>Belle-Fast</i>?"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OPERA IN THE FUTURE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As suggested by "Musical Paupers."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of Covent Garden on a + Subscription Night. The house is filled in the parts + reserved for Subscribers. The remainder of the Auditorium + is less crowded. The Overture is over, when there is a loud + cry for the Manager. Enter before the Curtain</i> Courteous + Gentleman, <i>who bows, and waits in an attitude of + respectful attention.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Person in the Amphitheatre.</i> I say, Mister, look + 'ere, after charging me sixpence for a seat, I'm 'anged if + they don't want an extra penny for a bill of the play.</p> + + <p><i>Courteous Gentleman.</i> Highly improper, Sir. I will + look into the matter to-morrow, and if you are kind enough + to identify the attendant who has attempted this + overcharge, I will have him dismissed. And now, with your + permission, your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies, and + Gentlemen, we will go on with the Musical performances.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Opera continues. At the end of the Third Act + there is another cry for the Manager. The</i> Courteous + Gentleman <i>re-enters before the Curtain, as + before.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Very Stout Person in the Amphitheatre Stalls.</i> I + say, look here—I paid two shillings for this seat, + and the back's coming off.</p> + + <p><i>Cour. Gen.</i> Perhaps, Sir, you have been leaning + with a weight it is unable to bear.</p> + + <p><i>Very S.P.</i> Never mind about that. As I pay two + shillings for my seat, I expect you to stop the show until + it's mended.</p> + + <p><i>Cour. Gen.</i> As the show (as you call it, Sir) + costs about two pounds a minute, I fear that would be + rather an extravagant proceeding. If I may suggest, I would + counsel you to change your seat to a more perfect one.</p> + + <p><i>Very S.P.</i> I like that! and get turned out by + someone who had reserved it. No, thankee! But there, after + all, I <i>am</i> rather heavy, so let's say no more about + it.</p> + + <p><i>Cour. Gen.</i> I am infinitely obliged to you.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit. The Opera continues until the commencement of + the last Act, when there is a frantic cry for the Manager. + The</i> Courteous Gentleman <i>again appears before the + Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Voices from the Cheaper Parts of the House.</i> Here, + cut it short! Let's get to the end. Let's see how the story + finishes!</p> + + <p><i>Cour. Gent.</i> I am at your disposal.</p> + + <p><i>Spokesman.</i> Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot + of us here who want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you + cut the performance?</p> + + <p><i>Cour. Man.</i> Although your proposal, Sir, may cause + some trouble and complications, I will honestly do my best. + [<i>Bows and exit.</i></p> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Curtain.</i> + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/93-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93-2.png" + alt="Roller-skating fiend." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Boy!—O injudicious boy!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, swayed by dark and secret + reasons,</p> + + <p>Dost love thine elders to annoy</p> + + <p class="i2">At sundry times and frequent seasons,</p> + + <p>Why hast thou left thy tempting top—</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy penny-dreadful's gory + garble—</p> + + <p>Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop—</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy aimlessly meandering marble?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thy catapult, so sure of aim,</p> + + <p class="i2">In cold neglect, alas! reposes,</p> + + <p>And even "tip-cat's" cherished game</p> + + <p class="i2">No longer threatens eyes and noses;</p> + + <p>Thy tube of tin (projecting peas)</p> + + <p class="i2">At length has ceased from irritating;</p> + + <p>But how much worse than all of these</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy latest craze—for + roller-skating!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For, mounted on twin engines dread,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thou rushest (with adventures + graphic)</p> + + <p>Where even angels fear to tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because there's such a lot of + traffic.</p> + + <p>At lightning-speed we see thee glide,</p> + + <p class="i2">(With malice every narrow <i>shave</i> + meant),</p> + + <p>And charge thine elders far and wide,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or stretch them prone upon the + pavement.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Thou skating imp! Thou rolling + joker!)</p> + + <p>And hit in some projecting part</p> + + <p class="i2">The lawyer staid, or solemn broker.</p> + + <p>Does pity never mar thy glee,</p> + + <p class="i2">When upright men with torture double?</p> + + <p>Oh, let our one petition be</p> + + <p class="i2">That thou may'st come to grievous + trouble!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" + id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/94-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/94-1.png" + alt="A FATAL OBJECTION." /></a> + + <h3>A FATAL OBJECTION.</h3> + + <p>"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?"</p> + + <p>"YES, SILVIA, VERY."</p> + + <p>"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?"</p> + + <p>"WHY, DARLING?"</p> + + <p>"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of the Universal Advertisement + Stations Company's Offices.</i> Managing Director + <i>discovered presiding over a large staff of Clerks. + Enter</i> Possible Customer.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Possible Customer.</i> I see from the papers that it + is proposed to turn the Suez Canal to account by erecting + hoardings—have you anything to do with it?</p> + + <p><i>Managing Director.</i> No, Sir; but we do a very + large cosmopolitan business of the same sort. Have you + anything to advertise?</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> Well, yes—several things. For + instance, I am bringing out a new sort of Beer. Can you + recommend me good stations for that?</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for + the whole of the best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If + you get out a good poster in Arabic, it should be the means + of furthering the trade amongst the Arabs.</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What + about that?</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> Well, Sir, pills (excuse the + pleasantry) are rather a drug in the market; but I think we + might try it amongst the Esquimaux. We have some capital + crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really commanding + position at the North Pole.</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> What can I do with a newly-patented + Disinfectant?</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, + and both sides of the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like + to push the sale in Venice, we would offer you the front of + the Doge's Palace on the most advantageous terms.</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> Then I have an Everlasting Boot.</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> I must confess, Sir, that boots (you + will excuse the pleasantry) are rather worn out; but + perhaps the Himalayas (where we have all the summits + vacant) might suit your purpose.</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> Well, I will give your suggestions my + best consideration.</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> (<i>anxious to trade</i>). Can't I + tempt you, Sir, with a million bills or so? We have all the + best Royal Palaces in Europe, and the most frequented of + the Indian Temples. There is scarcely a spot of any + historical interest that we have not secured for our + hoardings. Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple + Gardens, and site of ancient Carthage to our list. We can + do it very cheaply for you, Sir, if your order is a large + one.</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> How about the papers?</p> + + <p><i>Man. Dir.</i> Well, we insert advertisements in them, + too. Shall we begin with three columns in all the leading + journals of the world?</p> + + <p><i>Pos. Cus.</i> No, thank you. I think I will commence + on a somewhat smaller scale. (<i>Gives document.</i>) Here + is an order for three inches for one insertion on the + leader-page of the <i>Pimlico Pump</i>.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Lords, Monday, August 15th.</i>—Lords met + to-day in charmingly casual way. Since they were last here, + Government been defeated; the MARKISS out, Mr. G. in, and all + that means or portends. Not many present, but the MARKISS in + his place smiling in unaffected joyousness, just as Prince + ARTHUR did in Commons when the end came.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/94-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/94-2.png" + alt="'Very odd!'" /></a>"Very odd!" + </div> + + <p>"Very odd," said PICKERSGILL, pressing his hat to his bosom; + "it seems nothing amuses the CECILS and their family belongings + so much as a reverse at the Poll."</p> + + <p>The MARKISS in such exuberant good humour at seeing + KIMBERLEY opposite to him, could not resist temptation to try + on little joke. It was not, he said, either desirable or usual + that he, as outgoing Minister, should say anything on present + occasion. But perhaps KIMBERLEY would oblige, and would give + House full exposition of intentions of new Ministry with + respect to foreign and domestic affairs. KIMBERLEY gravely + answered, that not yet being Minister of the Crown, nor having + had opportunity of consulting with his colleagues, he was + unprepared to make statement on subject.</p> + + <p>In this dilemma DENMAN came to front. "My Lords—" he + said. What more he would have uttered is lost to posterity. + MARKISS had moved adjournment of House, and HALSBURY, who has + had long practice on this particular wicket, promptly bowled + DENMAN out, by putting question and declaring it carried. + DENMAN stood moment looking, more in sorrow than anger, at + noble Lords hurrying out with unwonted + agility.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" + id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95.png" + alt="THE NEW CABINET." /></a> + + <h3>THE NEW CABINET.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" + id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> + + <p>"They made a mistake," he murmured; "especially HALSBURY. + All I wanted was to propose vote of thanks to him for the grace + and dignity with which he has presided over Debates in this + House, and the manner in which he has, by his dispensation of + patronage, preserved the highest traditions of his office, and + even raised its lofty tone. Too late now, too late;" and the + old gentleman putting his crumpled papers in his pocket, and + wrapping his soiled pocket-handkerchief round the knob of his + walking-stick, strode sadly forth.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/96-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-1.png" + alt="'Bless me!'" /></a>"Bless me!" + </div> + + <p>Perhaps it was sight of this pathetic figure that sobered + the MARKISS. Anyhow, as we walked out together, found him in + subdued mood, more fitting the occasion than that assumed when + addressing House. "All over at last, TOBY," he said; "and I may + go down to Hatfield, take off my coat, and have a day's, or + even a week's serene pleasure in my workshop. I'm nobody of any + account now, <i>ni</i> Premier, <i>ni</i> Foreign Minister. Do + you remember the lines written by an unknown hand on the ruins + of Berytus, which TRYPHON, King of Syria, sacked a hundred and + forty years before the Star rose at Bethlehem? I was thinking + of them just now, even when I was chaffing + KIMBERLEY:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Stay not your course, O Mariners, or me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor furl your sails—is not my + harbour dry?</p> + + <p class="i2">Nought but one vast, forsaken tomb am + I.</p> + + <p>But steer for other lands, from sorrow free,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, by a happier and more prosp'rous + shore,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your anchor ye may drop, and rest your + oar.'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Not at all," I said.</p> + + <p>Rather an inadequate remark, I see, when I come to write it + down. I'd say something better if the MARKISS would repeat the + lines.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—MARKISS announces Resignation of + Ministry.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Thursday.</i>—House seems to have + been meeting all day. Began at three o'clock: Sitting suspended + at half-past; resumed at 4.30; off again till nine; might have + been continued indefinitely through night, only thunderstorm of + unparalleled ferocity burst over Metropolis, and put an end to + further manœuvring. "Bless me!" tremulously murmured Lord + SALISBURY's Black Man, as a peal of thunder shook Clock Tower, + and lighted up House of Lords with lurid flame, "if these are + home politics, wish I'd stayed in far-off Ind."</p> + + <p>At first gathering in Commons, parties changed sides. "The + sheep to the right, the goats to the left," as WILLIAM FIELD, + Esq., M.P., said, daintily crossing the floor.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:16%;"> + <a href="images/96-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-2.png" + alt="William Field, Esq., M.P." /></a>William Field, + Esq., M.P. + </div> + + <p>This remark does not imply anything rude. Fact is FIELD, + when at home in Dublin, holds lofty position of President of + Irish Cattle-Traders' and Stock-Owners' Association. Similes + from the stockyard come naturally to his lips. Promises to be + acquisition to Parliamentary life. Is certainly lovely to look + upon, with his flowing hair, his soft felt hat, the glossy + black of his necktie contrasting with glossy white of his + boundless shirt-front. Thought at first he was a poet; rather + disappointing to find he's only a butcher. Whatever he be, he's + refreshing to the eye, wearied with monotony of last + Parliament.</p> + + <p>Writs moved for new Elections consequent on acceptance of + Office. Lobby seems full of new Whips, whom JACOB grimly eyes. + CAUSTON with unusually troubled look on manly brow. "What's the + matter?" I asked. "Afraid you'll be chucked?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no!" he said; "Southwark's safe enough. But they're + such doose of fellows down there. Remember at General Election + one took me neat. After I had made speech to crowded meeting, + lot of questions put. Answered them all satisfactorily. At last + one fellow got up, asked me, in voice of thunder, 'Are you, in + favour of temperance?' Rather ticklish thing that, you know. As + many against it as for it. Looked all round the room; seemed + remarkably decent lot; the man who was heckling me a little + rubicund as to the nose; but that might be indigestion. Anyhow, + felt unless I could satisfy him, I'd lose his vote. 'Are you in + favour of temperance?' he roared again. 'Yes, I am;' I said, + heartily. 'Then I ain't!' he roared back; and stamped his way + out of the room. That's the sort of fellows they are down at + Southwark. Never know where you have 'em. Generally turns out + they have <i>you</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Thunderstorm and + Prorogation.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BUILDER AND THE ARCHITECT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/96-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-3.png" + alt="The Builder and the Architect." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sun was shining on the fog,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shining with all his might:</p> + + <p>He did his very best to make</p> + + <p class="i2">The London day look bright—</p> + + <p>And yet it seemed as though it were</p> + + <p class="i2">The middle of the night.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Builder and the Architect</p> + + <p class="i2">Were walking close at hand;</p> + + <p>They wept like anything to see</p> + + <p class="i2">Such eligible land:</p> + + <p>"If this were only built upon,"</p> + + <p class="i2">They said, "it <i>would</i> be + grand!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, Tenants, come and live with us!"</p> + + <p class="i2">The Builder did entreat,</p> + + <p>"And take a little villa in</p> + + <p class="i2">This countrified retreat,</p> + + <p>Where stand straight rows of houses,</p> + + <p class="i2">So very new and neat!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The elder Tenants looked at him,</p> + + <p class="i2">But never a word said they;</p> + + <p>The elder Tenants winked their eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">As though they meant to say,</p> + + <p>"Old birds, like we, are never caught</p> + + <p class="i2">By chaff in such a way."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But four young Tenants hurried up,</p> + + <p class="i2">Each eager to rent one;</p> + + <p>Their looks were pale, their faces white,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like muffins underdone—</p> + + <p>Which was not odd, because, you know,</p> + + <p class="i2">They never saw the sun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Builder and the Architect</p> + + <p class="i2">Went on a year or so</p> + + <p>Building damp villas on damp ground</p> + + <p class="i2">Conveniently low:</p> + + <p>And still some little houses stood</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite empty in the row.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I cannot think," the Builder said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Why people should complain</p> + + <p>Of mortar made of mud from roads,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or roofs that let in rain,</p> + + <p>Or sewer-gas that comes from an</p> + + <p class="i2">Unventilated drain."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A fair return," the Builder said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Two hundred, say, per cent.,</p> + + <p>Is all the profit that I want</p> + + <p class="i2">On anything I've spent,</p> + + <p>Now, if you're ready, Tenants dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll take the quarter's rent."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But not from us," the Tenants cried,</p> + + <p class="i2">"The houses are so new,</p> + + <p>They've made us all so very ill</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't know what to do."</p> + + <p>"The County Court," the Builder said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Is very near to you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I tell you what," the Builder said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"I fear that I must seize</p> + + <p>Your furniture, unless you pay;</p> + + <p class="i2">So fork out, if you please."</p> + + <p>And even he, in that damp air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Began to cough and sneeze.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, Tenants," said the Architect,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Just think what I have done,</p> + + <p>Designing such æsthetic homes!"</p> + + <p class="i2">But answer came there none—</p> + + <p>And this was scarcely odd, because</p> + + <p class="i2">They'd perished every one.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Under Consideration, August 21.</h3> + + <p>No appointment could be more appropriate and in accordance + with the fitness of things than to make a GARDNER the new + Minister of Agriculture. Of course it has been suggested that a + Rural Dean should succeed to the vacant Chaplincy.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, August 27, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15144-h.htm or 15144-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/1/4/15144/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15144-h/images/85.png b/15144-h/images/85.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d68e138 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/85.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/86.png b/15144-h/images/86.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d15432 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/86.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/87-1.png b/15144-h/images/87-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5188d42 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/87-1.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/87-2.png b/15144-h/images/87-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d744a2e --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/87-2.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/88.png b/15144-h/images/88.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3094407 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/88.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/89.png b/15144-h/images/89.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a0b851 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/89.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/90-1.png b/15144-h/images/90-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..672ccbb --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/90-1.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/90-2.png b/15144-h/images/90-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9f29af --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/90-2.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/91.png b/15144-h/images/91.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8af63d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/91.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/93-1.png b/15144-h/images/93-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36f5363 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/93-1.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/93-2.png b/15144-h/images/93-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6db73b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/93-2.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/94-1.png b/15144-h/images/94-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f8ea1d --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/94-1.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/94-2.png b/15144-h/images/94-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df5fd19 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/94-2.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/95.png b/15144-h/images/95.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9620ac1 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/95.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/96-1.png b/15144-h/images/96-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e724ce0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/96-1.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/96-2.png b/15144-h/images/96-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0b7cb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/96-2.png diff --git a/15144-h/images/96-3.png b/15144-h/images/96-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8762cea --- /dev/null +++ b/15144-h/images/96-3.png diff --git a/15144.txt b/15144.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..80bfe28 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1704 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 27, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 27, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 22, 2005 [EBook #15144] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +August 27, 1892. + + + + +TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY. + +(_A SKETCH AT THE ISLINGTON ARCADIA._) + + SCENE--_The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is + revolving with its organ in full blast; near it is a + "Razzle-Dazzle" Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical + piano. To the combined strains of these instruments, the + merrier hearts of Islington are performing a desultory dance, + which seems to consist chiefly in the various couples charging + each other with desperate gallantry. At the further end of + the Hall is a Stage, on which a Variety Performance is in + progress, and along the side of the gallery a Switchback, the + rolling thunder of which, accompanied by masculine whoops and + feminine squeaks, is distinctly audible. Near the entrance + is a painted house-front with two doors, which are being + pitilessly battered with wooden balls; from time to time + a well-directed missile touches a spring, one of the doors + opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling and + sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of + laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy. + Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting the idyllic and + pastoral associations of Arcady, is an unpretending booth, + the placards on which announce it to be the temporary + resting-place of the "Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are + there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 years' residence + in the Desert of Gobi." There is also a solemn warning that + "it is impossible to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth, + a fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gentleman, in + evening clothes, and a particularly crumpled shirt-front--who + presents a sort of compromise between the Scientific Savant + and the German Waiter has just locked up his Assistant in + a wooden pillory, for no obvious reason except to attract + a crowd. The crowd collects accordingly, and includes a + Comic Coachman, who, with his Friend--a tall and speechless + nonentity--has evidently come out to enjoy himself_. + +[Illustration: "I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes."] + +_The Spectacled Gentleman_ (_letting the Assistant out of the +pillory, with the air of a man who does not often unbend to these +frivolities_). Now, Gentlemen, I am sure all those whom I see around +me have heard of those marvellous beings--the Mahatmas--and how they +can travel through space in astral bodies, and produce matter out of +nothing at all. (_Here the group endeavour to look as if these facts +were familiar to them from infancy, while the_ Comic Coachman _assumes +the intelligent interest of a Pantomime Clown in the price of a +property fish_.) Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be aware +that at this very moment the air all around you is full of ghosts. + +_The Comic Coachman_ (_affecting extreme terror_). 'Ere, let me get +_out_ o' this! Where's my friend? + +_The Sp. G._ I am only telling you the simple truth. There is, +floating above the head of each one of you, the ghostly counterpart of +himself; and the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smoking also +the ghost of a cigar or a pipe. + +_The C.C._ (_to his attendant Phantom_). 'Ere, 'and me down one o' +your smokes to try, will yer? + +_The Sp. G._ You laugh--but I am no believer in making statements +without proof to support them, and I shall now proceed to offer you +convincing evidence that what I say is true. (_Movement of startled +incredulity in group._) I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes. +(_Producing them_.) Now, Sir, (_to the_ C.C.) will you oblige me by +putting your finger in the bowls to test whether there is any tobacco +there or not? + +_The C.C._ Not _me_. None o' those games for me! Where's my +friend?--it's more in _'is_ line! + + [_The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background, + and, after a little hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests + the bowls, and pronounces them empty._ + +_The Sp. G._ Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these +empty pipes. (_He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity +of unmistakable smoke_.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a +deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner, will +you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir? (_To a bystander, who, not +without obvious misgivings, takes a few whiffs and produces smoke, +as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators._) +Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow +me to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen +inside for the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour +of introducing to you Mlle. SCINTILLA, who is not only the most +extraordinary Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest +woman now living! + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, _I'm_ comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's my +friend? he'll pay for _me_. He promised to take care o' me, and I +can't trust myself anywhere without 'im. + + [_He enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the + bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to + be lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for + initiation. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted + Scene, and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is + visible and vacant; behind the barrier which, separates the + Stage from the Audience stands Mlle. SCINTILLA, a young + lady in a crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if + not precisely a Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and + reassuringly material._ + +_The C.C._ Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I _like_ 'em! + + [_The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile._ + +_The Sp. G._ (_appearing on the Stage as Showman_). Now, Ladies and +Gentlemen! (_There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by +way of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any +moral support whatever._) You all know that Adepts have the power +of disintegrating material objects and re-integrating them when +they please. I have here a hollow mask. (_He exhibits a Pantomime +demon head._) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet, which as +you perceive is empty. I raise it--and underneath you will see +materialised a wonderful young lady who consists of a head and nothing +else. (_He discovers the head of a very human young person with short +curly hair._) Now those of you who are unmarried would find this young +lady an admirable wife for a man of small income, for, having no body, +she will cost him nothing whatever for her food or frocks. + +_The C.C._ (_with a touch of cynicism_). She'd make it up in 'ats and +bonnets, though; trust _'er_! + +_The Showman_. She is extremely sweet-tempered; and, when she observes +a number of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as there are +to-night, she will smile affectionately at them. + + [_The Head gives a very practical confirmation of this + assertion, and the Lady in the corner sniffs with strong + disapproval._ + +_The C.C._ 'Ere, I say--where's my friend? I want to take my 'ook out +o' this--the young Lady's 'ed is a smilin' at me, and it ain't _good_ +enough, yer know--she's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit _me_! + +_The Showman_ (_after extinguishing the Head, which is giggling +helplessly, in the Mask_). Now this other, young Lady, Mlle. +SCINTILLA, known to her friends as "SPARKS," is equally wonderful in +her way. It may surprise you when I inform you--(_here he puts his arm +affectionately round the Sibyl's neck_)--that, beautiful as she is, +she has never been kissed in her whole life! + +_The C.C._ (_with chivalrous indignation_). What? Ere, if _that's_ +all!-- + + [_He intimates, in pantomime, his perfect readiness to repair + this omission at once._ + +_The Showman_. This is owing to the fact that she is impregnated with +electricity to such an extraordinary degree, that any contact with her +lips will produce a shock which would probably prove fatal! + +_The C.C._ Oh, where _is_ that friend o' mine? (_To the Sibyl_.) I +come out without my lightnin' conductor this evenin', Miss; but I've +got a friend somewhere in 'ere as 'll be 'appy to represent me. + + [_The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved + to find that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously._ + +_The Showman_. As a proof that I am not speaking without foundation, +this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you will at +once become aware of the electric current. [_The Sibyl leans across +the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm for public pressure, +but there is the usual reluctance at first to embrace the opportunity. +At length a seeker after truth grasps the hand, and reports that +he "can feel a somethink," whereupon his example is followed by the +others, including the_ C.C., _who, finding the sensation agreeable, +pretends to be electrified to such an extent that he is unable to let +go--which concludes the entertainment._ + +_Spectators_ (_departing_). She _may_ have 'ad one o' them galvanic +belts on for all _you_ can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot _in_ it, +all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them clays! + +_The C.C._ (_to his Friend_.) That _was_ a lark, JIM! But look +'ere--don't you go tellin' the Missus; _she_ ain't on the Me'atmer +lay--not _much_, she ain't! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOURS EASY. + +_Sir E.L._ (_gaily_). "BARONETTED? OF COURSE, MY BOY--RIGHT THING TO +DO! THANKS. TA-TA!" [_Careers away, to keep up his circulation._ + +_Mr. P._ "AND _YOU_, MR. LABBY?" + +_H.L._ (_languidly_). "OH--AH--AS FOR _ME_--I'M OUT OF IT--THAT'S THE +TRUTH."] + + * * * * * + +WOT CHER, LABBY? + + ["Mr. LABOUCHERE, so he says, has come to London to enjoy the + smiles of the new Ministry."--_Morning Paper_.] + + Enjoy them, dear LABBY, smile back, if you can-- + Though your lip has a curl that portends something sinister-- + It is painful, I take it, to flash in the pan, + While a rival goes off with a bang as a Minister. + + But you (you're a cynic, that's one of the ways, + And by no means the worst, to get credit for kindness), + You can smile at this struggle for titles and praise, + You can laugh at your friends while you envy their blindness. + + A time, so I fancy you saying, will come; + They are not done with LABBY, for all their sweet smiling; + And they're vastly mistaken who think he'll be dumb, + Or abandon his amiable habit of riling. + + * * * * * + +"GREAT SCOTT!"--_Mr. Punch's_ congratulations to the new Bart. of +Scott's Bank, Cavendish Square, with the classic name of HORACE. His +friends will be able to adapt MACAULAY's lines, and tell-- + + "How well HORATIUS kept the Bank, + In the brave days of old." + +Of course, be it understood that "keeping the Bank" has nothing +whatever to do with Monte Carlo, or with any game of speculation. _Ad +multos annos!_ And to adapt again-- + + "On HORACE's head Honours accumulate!" + + * * * * * + +BALFOUR AND SALISBURY.--The late Government couldn't help having a +good dash of spirit in it, seeing it was a "B. and S." mixture. Now, +"B. and S."--off! _Vide_ _Mr. Punch's_ Cartoon this week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEVER SATISFIED. + +_Grumpy Husband._ "HOW BADLY INFORMED NEWSPAPERS ARE! WHY, HERE THEY +SAY, 'SIR THOMAS GRIMSBY ENTERTAINED US AND A NUMBER OF OTHERS AT +DINNER LAST NIGHT!' ENTERTAINED! WHY, I NEVER WAS SO BORED IN MY +LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +IN OFFICE WITH THE LABOUR VOTE. + +(_HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AWKWARD MATTER, ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + + SCENE--_A Smoking-Room and Lounge. Eminent Statesman + discovered filling a pipe. Private Secretary in + attendance._ + +_Em. S._ Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my lad, and have the +tea and decanters in readiness when I ring for them. Enough chairs? + +_Pri. Sec._ Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I thought if I got six +that would be enough. + +_Em. S._ Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in the Deputation. + + [_Private Secretary opens door, when enter several Workmen in + their Sunday best, headed by Fussy M.P._ + +_Fussy M.P._ (_with effusion_). My dear Sir, this is a great pleasure. +I hope I see you well. (_Shakes the hand of Eminent Statesman with +profuse cordiality._) And now, if you will allow me, I will introduce +these Delegates. It would have pleased them better if they could have +had an Autumn Session, but they are quite prepared to be satisfied +with an interview, as it is in the Recess. (_Speaking in the soft +tones of the House at Westminster._) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It +is my privilege as well as my duty--a most pleasant one--to introduce +what I may aptly declare to be the most representative body of men it +has ever been my good fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir-- + +_Em. S._ (_interrupting_). Thank you very much, but I fancy we can get +on better by talking it over quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't +mind, I will take off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves. + +[Illustration] + + [_Removes his coat._ + +_Fussy. M.P._ (_taken aback_). My dear Sir! + +_Members of the Deputation_. Thankee, Sir! We'll follow suit. + + [_They remove their coats._ + +_Em. S._ Now you would like to smoke? Well, my Private Secretary will +hand round cigars, cigarettes, and tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my +house Liberty Hall. Well, tell me--what's it all about? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_pointing to Fussy M.P._) Why he said as how he +would do all the speaking. + +_Em. S._ Very likely, and do it (_bowing to him_) very well. But I +would far rather that you should speak for yourselves. Come let us +meet as old friends. Now--what do you want? + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ Why, Sir, if you put it in that pleasant way, I +may say, payment for hours of labour put in by some one else. + +_Em. S._ Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how are you to manage it? + +_Third Mem. of Dep._ (_roughly_). That's your business, and not ours. +We tell you what we want, and you have to carry out our wishes. + +_Em. S._ (_smiling_). You mean the wishes of your class--your order? + +_Second Mem._ Well, that's about it. We _do_ represent them. Why we +are sent to you by over 100,000! + +_Em. S._ And what is the full complement of your combined trades? + +_Second Mem._ About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it. + +_Em. S._ With it! Do with what? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir--what we +require! + +_Em. S._ (_amiably_). And that is--? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_triumphantly_). Oh, you must tell us that! It +is not our place, but yours--see? + +_Em. S._ Not exactly. But will you not join me? (_Offers cigarettes._) +And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your +work for you? + +_First Mem. of Dep._ (_puffing at the tobacco_). Don't you think that +could be done by the Government? + +_Em. S._ _I_ don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with +your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter. +But you really must help me. + +_Second Mem. of Dep._ (_taken aback_). But, I say, Sir, is this quite +fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (_pointing to +the_ Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking. + +_Em. S._ Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new. +Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously? + +_Fourth Mem._ Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are +not accustomed to it. What does it all mean? + +_Em. S._ I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get +an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing--nor can I. So +now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me +detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in +your undertakings. And now, farewell! + +_First Mem._ Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye! + +_Em. S._ Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [_The Deputation leave._ +Eminent Statesman _turns his attention to other matters with a smile +of satisfaction._ + + * * * * * + +"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"--Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last +week. N.B.--Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the +straight tip. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY IN VENICE. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours truly's still stived + up in Town. + Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay on the brown + By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now is as bad as + they're made. + Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' nigh bunnicked + up Trade. + + _My_ screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of 'ard times, sez + our bloke. + I _did_ mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and + eat coke!" + Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty one, Luck, and no + kid; + Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're quisby, or + short of a quid. + + When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to myself, mate, + thinks I, + 'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney as 'ARRY must + try. + No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for the likes of + poor me; + But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at the Bride o' the + Sea. + + Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness quite takes the + cake. + Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to the popular fake. + "Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. no doubt. + Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when ikey young + I.K.'s about. + + Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the crimsing, the blue, + and the gold! + Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and prisums is out in + the cold. + I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' back yard, + With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that ain't 'Igh + 'Art, wy it's 'ard. + + 'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I 'ooks, + To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in them sixpenny + books. + Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE KIRALFY, dear + boy, + And he give me a two hours' _spektarkle_ old LEIGHTON hisself + might enjoy. + + Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that Synopsis you've + read; + Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't get it straight + in my 'ead. + Sort o' mixture of _Shylock_ and BYRON, with bits of _Othello_ + chucked in, + Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly blue fire and + bright tin. + + But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About arf a mile o' + stage front, + With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed all the time + on the 'unt. + Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage at the + double, old man, + All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their armour a-chink + as they ran! + + Old _Shylock_ turns up quite permiskus, and always upon the full + trot; + He seemed mixed up with Portias, and Doges, smart gals, and the + dickens knows wot. + All kep waving their arms like mad semy-phores, doin' the akrybat + prank, + As if they was swimming in nothink, or 'ailing a 'bus for the Bank. + + I sez to a party beside me, "Old man, wot the doose does it _mean_?" + Sez he, "A dry attic, yer know, of wich Venice, yer see, wos the + Queen. + That cove in a nightcap's the Doge; for an old 'un he _can_ move + about. + They had G.O.M.'s, mate, in Venice; of that there is not the least + doubt. + + "That's VETTORE PISANI, the Hadmiral; t'other is General ZENO + Defending the State, I persoom, and they're 'aving a fust-class + old beano. + Wy PEDRO THE SECOND, of Cyprus, and _Portia_ is made a rum blend + With Turps Siccory's Revels, and so on, no doubt we shall twig at + the hend." + + I sez, "Thankee! that's werry instructive. You _do_ know a lot, + mate, _you_ do!" + Then the fight at Chioggia came on. Sech a rum pully-haully all + through. + But the Victory Percession wos proper, and so was the All Frisky + _feet_, + And the way as they worked the gondolers, them streaky-legged + chaps, wos a treat. + + But the best o' the barney came arter. I took a gondoler, old man, + Sort o' wobbly black coffin afloat, and perpelled on the rummiest + plan + With one oar and a kind of notched post. But a dressy young party + in pink + 'Ad a seat in my ship, and seemed skeery. _I_ cheered 'er up--wot + do _you_ think? + + "No danger," sez I, "not a mossel! Now is there, old lollipop-legs? + Sit 'ere, Miss, and trim the old barky! Go gently now, young + 'Am-and-Eggs! + 'Ow much for yer mustard-striped kicksies? Way-oh! Wy, you nearly + run down + The Ryhalto that time, you young josser. Look hout, Miss, he'll + crack your sweet crown!" + + _Larf_, CHARLIE? She did a fair chortle. I _'ave_ sech a way with + the shes. + We 'ad six sixpennorths together--I tell you 'twos go-as-you-please! + Modern Venice, took out of a toy-box, with palaces fourteen foot + 'igh. + And Bridges o' Sighs cut in pasteboard, is larks all the same, and + no fly. + + Sort o' cosy romanticky feeling a-paddling along them canals, + With the manderlines twangling all round, and the larf of the + gayest of gals + Gurgling up through the Hightalian hair--though it do 'ave a + cockneyfied sniff,-- + Wy it's better than spooning at Marlow with MOLLY MOLLOY in a skiff. + + I felt like Lord BYRON, I tell yer; I stretched myself, orty-like, + hout, + And wished it could go on all night, wich my pardner did ditto, no + doubt. + Modern Venice in minichure, CHARLIE, ain't really so dusty, you bet; + I wos quite a Bassanio in breeks, and I ain't lost the twang of it + yet. + + _My_ Portia wos POLLY MARIA; she tipped me her name fair and free; + And a pootier young mossel o' muslin, I never 'ad perch on _my_ + knee. + No side on 'er, nothink lowlived, CHARLIE, ladylike down to the + ground, + I called 'er my fair "Bride of Venice." In fact, we wos 'appy all + round. + + She said _I_ wos _'er_ form to a hounce, and if anyone looked more + O.K., + In a nobby Gondoler than me, well that chap 'adn't travelled _'er_ + way; + Wich wos Barnsbury Park--so she whispered, with _sech_ a sly + giggle, dear boy! + I sez "Bully for IMRE KIRALFY! His Show is a thing to henjoy!" + + And so it is, CHARLIE, old hoyster. The music is twangly, I own, + And if I've a fancy myself, 'taint hexactly the Great Xylophone; + But the speeches of musical scratch-backs the dancers keep time + with so pat, + In that fairy-like Carnival Bally, fetched POLLY, ah, all round + 'er 'at! + + That 'at wos a spanker, I tell yer; as big as the Doge's + State-Barge, + And like all the "Four Seasons" in one! "Well," sez POLLY, "I _do_ + like 'em large, + Them Venetian pork-pies ain't _my_ fancy, no room for no trimmings + above. + They wouldn't suit Barnsbury Park, though they might do 'The + Castle of Love'!" + + Sort o' needled her somehow, I fancy; but, bless yer, I soon put + _that_ straight. + Gals is wonderful touchy on togs! Covent Garden piled high on a + plate + With a blue hostrich-feather all round it, mayn't be man's hidea + of a tile, + But I flattered her taste a rare bat, and soon 'ad her again on + the smile. + + Well, "Venice the Bride of the Sea," is wuth more than one visit, + old pal, + And I've got a hengagement next week to go there with the same + pooty gal. + I'm going to read up the subjeck, I'll cram for it all I can carry, + For I'm bound to be fair, in the know if young POLLY should question + +Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. I.--"MISTER." + +In a "Grand Hotel" again; abroad; never mind which or where; have +experienced many Inns and many outings, but find all Grand Hotels much +the same. "Lawn-tennis, English Church in the Spa_t_ious Grounds, good +station for friends of the _Fisch-Sport_."--But the quintessence of +Grand-Hotelism is "Mr." in his Bureau. + +The main thing about "Mr." is his frock-coat ("made in Germany"). It +is always buttoned; he is never without it; I believe he sleeps in +it. Divest him of this magician's robe (so to speak) and he would be +powerless. + +The Hotel omnibus clatters in; "Mr." confronts us, smiling and serene, +with his two Secretaries of Legation. He discriminates the Inn-comers +at a glance.--"Numero 10, 11, 12, _entresol_;" for Noah-like +Paterfamilias with Caravan; "Numero 656, for se Leddy's med;" "Numero +80, for me, the _soi-disant Habitue_;" it's the room I'm _supposed_ to +have always had, so I pretend to like it. One Unremunerative-looking +Pedestrian, in knickerbockers, is assured that, if he waits half a +day or so, he may get an attic--"Back of se house; fine view of se +sluice-gate and cemetery."--U.-L.P. expostulates; he has telegraphed +for a good room; it's _too_ bad.--"Ver' sawy, but is quite complete +now, se Hotel." U.-L.P., furious; "Hang it," &c. "Mr." deprecates this +ingratitude--"Ver' sawy, Sor; but if you don't like," (with decision), +"se whole wide wurrld is open to you!" Pedestrian retires, threatening +to write to the _Times_. Preposterous! as if the Editor would print +anything against "Mr."! "Mr.'s" attitude majestic and martyred; +CASABIANCA in a frock-coat! Bless you! he knows us all, better than +we know ourselves. He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket. + +[Illustration: "He sees the Cook's ticket through the U.-L.P.'s +Norfolk-jacket."] + +When "Mr." is not writing, he is changing money. The sheepish Briton +stands dumb before this financier, and is shorn--of the exchange, +with an oafish fascination at "Mr.'s" dexterous manipulation of the +_rouleaux_ of gold and notes. Nobody dares haggle with "Mr." When he +is not changing money, he is, as I have said, writing, perhaps his +Reminiscences. It is "Mr." "What gif you se informations;" and _what_ +questions! The seasoned Pensionnaire wants to know how she can get +to that _lovely_ valley where the Tiger-lilies grow, without taking a +carriage. The British Matron, where she can buy rusks, "real English +rusks, you know." A cantankerous tripper asks "why he never has +bread-sauce with the nightly chicken." And we all troop to "Mr." after +breakfast, to beg him to affix postage-stamps to our letters, and to +demand the precise time when "they will reach England;" as if they +wouldn't reach at all without "Mr.'s" authority. It gives the nervous +a sense of security to watch "Mr." stamping envelopes. It is a way of +beginning the day in a Grand Hotel. + +"Mr." gives you the idea of not wishing to make a profit; but he gives +you nothing else. You wish to be "_en pension_"--"Ver' well, Sor, it +is seventeen francs (or marks) the day;" but you soon discover that +your room is extra, and that you may not dine "apart;" in a word, you +are "Mr.'s" bondsman. Then there is the persuasive lady, who perhaps, +_may_ be stopping a week or more, but her plans are undecided--at any +rate six days--"Will 'Mr.' make a reduction?" "Mr." however, continues +his manuscript, oh ever so long! and smiles; his smile is worse than +his bite! I, the _Habitue_, approach "Mr." with a furtive clandestine +air, and observe cheerily, "I hope to remain here a month." +"Certainly, Sor; is better you do; will be se same as last year; I +gif you se same appartement, you see."--This with an air of favour. +I thank him profusely--for nothing. My bill turns out to be higher +than if I had been overcharged separately for everything. "Mr." is +the Master of the Arts of extras. He does not wish to make a profit; +oh no! but--ahem--he makes it. As for the outsiders who straggle in +casually for luncheon and want to be sharp with "Mr." afterwards, +they are soon settled. One who won't be done, complains of a prince's +ransom for a potato-salad.--"If you haf pertatas, you pay for +pertatas."--TALLEYRAND could not have been more unanswerable. + +"Mr." is immense at entertainments; it is "Mr." who organises "Se +Spanish Consairt," "Se Duetto of se Poor Blinds," and, of course, "Se +Bal"; he is very proud of his latest acquisition--the Orchestrion that +plays the dinner down. To see "Mr." dispatch itinerant minstrels would +do our County Council good. + +"Mr." knows our compatriots _au fond_; he makes no extra charge for +toast at breakfast, and you only pay half-a-crown for a pot of George +the Third Marmalade, to lubricate it withal. Five-o'clock tea comes +up at six, just as at home. He makes much of Actors, Peers, and +Clergymen. Sunday is a great day for "Mr." He directs everyone to the +English Church in "The Grounds"--(fifteen benches and one tree, with a +fountain between them); and then goes off to play cards, but always +in his frock-coat. The "Chaplain" gets his breakfast-egg gratis; and +a stray Bishop writes, "Nothing can exceed the comfort of this Hotel," +in that Doomsday Book of Visitors. + +When you depart--and, abroad, this is generally about daybreak--"Mr." +is always on the spot, haughty, as becomes a man about to be paid, but +considerate; there is a bouquet in petticoats for the Entresol--even, +for me, a condescending word. "_When you see_ Mr. SHONES _in London, +you tell him next year I make se Gulf-Links._" I don't know who +the dickens JONES may be, but I snigger. It all springs from that +miserable fiction of being an _Habitue_. "_Sans adieux!_" ejaculates +"Mr.," who is great at languages; so am I, but, somehow, find myself +saying "Good-bye" quite naturally. _A propos_ of languages, "Mr." +is very patient with the Ladies who _will_ speak to him in so-called +French or German, when they say, "_Ou est le Portier?_" or "_Es +ist sehr schoen heute_," he replies, in the genuine tongue. I once +overheard a lady discussing the chances of rest and quiet in the +"Grand Hotel." "_Oui c'est une grande reste_." said she. It only +puzzled "Mr." for a moment. "_Parfaitement, Madame; c'est ravissant, +n'est-ce pas?_" and then "Mr." sold her the little Hand-book, composed +by the Clergyman, on which he receives a commission. + + * * * * * + +NEED I SAY MORE? + + I loved--and need I say she was a woman? + And need I say I thought her just divine? + Her beauty (like this rhyme) was quite uncommon. + Alas, she said she never could be mine! + + My Uncle was a Baronet, and wealthy, + But old, ill-tempered, deaf, and plagued with gout; + I was his heir, a pauper young and healthy; + My Uncle--need I say?--had cut me out. + + I swore--and need I say the words I muttered? + Sir HECTOR married KATE, and changed his will. + Dry bread for me! For her the tea-cake buttered. + I starved--and, need I say, I'm starving still! + + * * * * * + +"A CARPET KNIGHT"--Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE. Likewise that Sir B.M. is +"a Knight of the Round Table." [N.B. Great rush to let off these. +Contribution-Box joke-full of 'em. Impossible, therefore, to decide +"who spoke first." Reward of Merit still in hand.] + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--The Music-and-Hartland Committee will permit the +performance of brief "Sketches" in the Music Halls. Wouldn't +"Harmonies" by our own WHISTLER be more appropriate? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EARNEST POLITICIAN. + +"I'M VERY GLAD SIR PERCY PLANTAGENET WAS RETURNED, MISS!" + +"WHY,--ARE YOU A PRIMROSE DAME?" + +"NO, MISS,--BUT MY 'USBAND IS!"] + + * * * * * + +TIP TO TAX-COLLECTORS. + +(_AFTER HERRICK'S "COUNSEL TO GIRLS."_) + +A SONG OF THE EXCHEQUER. + +Air--"_Gather ye rose-buds while ye may._" + + Gather ye Taxes while ye may, + The time is fleetly flying; + And tenants who'd stump up to-day, + To-morrow may be shying. + + That annual "Lump," the Income Tax, + Still higher aye seems getting; + The sooner that for it you "ax," + The nearer you'll be netting. + + That payer's best who payeth first + The Exchequer's pert purse-stormer: + As the year wags still worse and worst + Times, still succeed the former. + + Then be not lax, but keep your time, + And dun, and press, and harry; + Tax-payers shirk, nor deem it crime, + If long Collectors tarry. + + * * * * * + +"WHERE SHALL WE GO?" is of course an important subject in the +holiday-time, and one to which _Sala's Journal_ devotes a column or +two weekly; but a still more important one is "_How shall we go it?_" +and having totted up the items there comes the final question, "_Where +shall we stay?_" And the wise, but seldom-given answer is--"_At +Home_." In any case, the traveller's motto should always be, "Wherever +you go, make yourself quite at Home"--and stay there, may be added by +the London Club Cynic, who wants everything all to himself. + + * * * * * + +THE LOST JOKE. + +(_A SONG OF A SAD BUT COMMON EXPERIENCE._) + +Air:--"_The Lost Chord._" + +[Illustration] + + Seated one day in my study + I was listless and ill at ease, + And my fingers twiddled idly + With the novel upon my knees. + I know not where I was straying + On the poppy-clustered shore, + But I suddenly struck on a Sparkler + Which fairly made me roar. + + I have joked _some_ jokes in my time, Sir, + But this was a Champion Joke, + And it fairly cut all record + As a humoristic stroke. + It was good for a dozen of dinners, + It was fit to crown my fame + As a shaper of sheer Side-splitters, + For which I have such a name. + + It flooded my spirit's twilight + Like the dawn on a dim dark lake, + For I knew that against all rivals + It would fairly "take the cake." + I said I will try it to-morrow,-- + I won't even tell my wife,-- + It will certainly fetch Lord FUMFUDGE, + And then--I am made for life! + + It links two most distant meanings + Into one perfect chime-- + * * * * * + Here my servant broke the silence, + And said it was dinner-time! + * * * * * + I have sought, but I seek it vainly, + That great Lost Joke of mine, + Which had slipped from my mind entirely + When I sat me down to dine. + + It may be that something some day + May bring it me back again; + But I only wish--confound it!-- + I had fixed it with pencil or pen. + It may be that luck--bright Angel!-- + May inspire me once more with that stroke, + But I fear me 'tis only in Limbo + I shall light on my great Lost Joke! + + * * * * * + +MRS. R., who has been busy with her juniors, tells us that she has +been horrified to learn from her Nephew, who has been fighting the +Slave-hunters on the Congo, that in that country they "preserve" the +bodies of their enemies. He writes to her--"I have 'potted' several +Arabs." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AU REVOIR!" + +SCENE--_NO. 10, DOWNING STREET. EXTERIOR._ + +S-L-SB-RY AND B-LF-R. "TA! TA! TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, OLD MAN! BACK +AGAIN SOON!" + +[_Exeunt_ "B. _and_ S."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FROM THE PARTICULAR TO THE GENERAL. + +"I SAY, OLD CHAPPIE--WHAT TREMENDOUS HIGH CHAIRS YOU'VE GOT--ONE'S +FEET POSITIVELY DANGLE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BAR. + + Work, work, work! + Sang HOOD, in the "_Song of the Shirt_," + Of the seamstress slave who worked to her grave + In poverty, hunger, and dirt. + Work, work, work! + The Bar-maid, too, can say, + Work for ten hours, or more; + Oh, for "eight hours" a day! + + Is she a happier slave + Where gilding and mirrors abound? + Of what can she think when eternal drink + Is the cry of all around? + Stand, stand, stand! + Serving sots from far and near; + Stand, stand, stand! + More whiskey! More brandy! More beer! + + Possibly some one may say, + "What can that matter to us? + She is frail, frivolous, gay; + She is not worth a fuss." + Prig, all her life is a snare, + You, so excessively good, + Would pity her rather if there + Once for ten hours you stood. + + How would you feel at the end? + You may not think she is fit, + Quite, for your sister's friend-- + Is she too wicked to sit? + Stand stand, stand! + In the smoke of pipe and cigar, + Always to think of eternal drink; + Oh, pity the Slave of the Bar! + + * * * * * + +BY A RIBBON GIRL WHO HAS BEEN TO FRANCE.--"Sure the town itself must +be full of go-a-head young women that a decent female wouldn't be seen +spaking to--else why is it called _Belle-Fast_?" + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA IN THE FUTURE. + +(_AS SUGGESTED BY "MUSICAL PAUPERS."_) + + SCENE--_Interior of Covent Garden on a Subscription Night. + The house is filled in the parts reserved for Subscribers. The + remainder of the Auditorium is less crowded. The Overture is + over, when there is a loud cry for the Manager. Enter before + the Curtain Courteous Gentleman, who bows, and waits in an + attitude of respectful attention._ + +_Person in the Amphitheatre._ I say, Mister, look 'ere, after charging +me sixpence for a seat, I'm 'anged if they don't want an extra penny +for a bill of the play. + +_Courteous Gentleman._ Highly improper, Sir. I will look into the +matter to-morrow, and if you are kind enough to identify the attendant +who has attempted this overcharge, I will have him dismissed. And now, +with your permission, your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies, and +Gentlemen, we will go on with the Musical performances. + + [_The Opera continues. At the end of the Third Act there + is another cry for the Manager. The Courteous Gentleman + re-enters before the Curtain, as before._ + +_Very Stout Person in the Amphitheatre Stalls._ I say, look here--I +paid two shillings for this seat, and the back's coming off. + +_Cour. Gen._ Perhaps, Sir, you have been leaning with a weight it is +unable to bear. + +_Very S.P._ Never mind about that. As I pay two shillings for my seat, +I expect you to stop the show until it's mended. + +_Cour. Gen._ As the show (as you call it, Sir) costs about two pounds +a minute, I fear that would be rather an extravagant proceeding. If I +may suggest, I would counsel you to change your seat to a more perfect +one. + +_Very S.P._ I like that! and get turned out by someone who had +reserved it. No, thankee! But there, after all, I _am_ rather heavy, +so let's say no more about it. + +_Cour. Gen._ I am infinitely obliged to you. + + [_Exit. The Opera continues until the commencement of the + last Act, when there is a frantic cry for the Manager. The + Courteous Gentleman again appears before the Curtain._ + +_Voices from the Cheaper Parts of the House._ Here, cut it short! +Let's get to the end. Let's see how the story finishes! + +_Cour. Gent._ I am at your disposal. + +_Spokesman._ Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot of us here who +want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you cut the performance? + +_Cour. Man._ Although your proposal, Sir, may cause some trouble and +complications, I will honestly do my best. [_Bows and exit._ + +_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND. + +[Illustration] + + O Boy!--O injudicious boy!-- + Who, swayed by dark and secret reasons, + Dost love thine elders to annoy + At sundry times and frequent seasons, + Why hast thou left thy tempting top-- + Thy penny-dreadful's gory garble-- + Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop-- + Thy aimlessly meandering marble? + + Thy catapult, so sure of aim, + In cold neglect, alas! reposes, + And even "tip-cat's" cherished game + No longer threatens eyes and noses; + Thy tube of tin (projecting peas) + At length has ceased from irritating; + But how much worse than all of these + Thy latest craze--for roller-skating! + + For, mounted on twin engines dread, + Thou rushest (with adventures graphic) + Where even angels fear to tread, + Because there's such a lot of traffic. + At lightning-speed we see thee glide, + (With malice every narrow _shave_ meant), + And charge thine elders far and wide, + Or stretch them prone upon the pavement. + + Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart, + (Thou skating imp! Thou rolling joker!) + And hit in some projecting part + The lawyer staid, or solemn broker. + Does pity never mar thy glee, + When upright men with torture double? + Oh, let our one petition be + That thou may'st come to grievous trouble! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION. + +"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?" + +"YES, SILVIA, VERY." + +"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?" + +"WHY, DARLING?" + +"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS. + + SCENE--_Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations + Company's Offices. Managing Director discovered presiding + over a large staff of Clerks. Enter Possible Customer._ + +_Possible Customer._ I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn +the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings--have you anything to +do with it? + +_Managing Director._ No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan +business of the same sort. Have you anything to advertise? + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, yes--several things. For instance, I am bringing out +a new sort of Beer. Can you recommend me good stations for that? + +_Man. Dir._ Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for the whole of the +best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If you get out a good poster +in Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the +Arabs. + +_Pos. Cus._ Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What about that? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug +in the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux. +We have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really +commanding position at the North Pole. + +_Pos. Cus._ What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant? + +_Man. Dir._ We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of +the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in +Venice, we would offer you the front of the Doge's Palace on the most +advantageous terms. + +_Pos. Cus._ Then I have an Everlasting Boot. + +_Man. Dir._ I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the +pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we +have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose. + +_Pos. Cus._ Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration. + +_Man. Dir._ (_anxious to trade_). Can't I tempt you, Sir, with a +million bills or so? We have all the best Royal Palaces in Europe, and +the most frequented of the Indian Temples. There is scarcely a spot +of any historical interest that we have not secured for our hoardings. +Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple Gardens, and site of +ancient Carthage to our list. We can do it very cheaply for you, Sir, +if your order is a large one. + +_Pos. Cus._ How about the papers? + +_Man. Dir._ Well, we insert advertisements in them, too. Shall we +begin with three columns in all the leading journals of the world? + +_Pos. Cus._ No, thank you. I think I will commence on a somewhat +smaller scale. (_Gives document._) Here is an order for three inches +for one insertion on the leader-page of the _Pimlico Pump_. + + [_Exit._ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Lords, Monday, August 15th._--Lords met to-day in charmingly +casual way. Since they were last here, Government been defeated; +the MARKISS out, Mr. G. in, and all that means or portends. Not +many present, but the MARKISS in his place smiling in unaffected +joyousness, just as Prince ARTHUR did in Commons when the end came. + +[Illustration: "Very odd!"] + +"Very odd," said PICKERSGILL, pressing his hat to his bosom; "it seems +nothing amuses the CECILS and their family belongings so much as a +reverse at the Poll." + +The MARKISS in such exuberant good humour at seeing KIMBERLEY opposite +to him, could not resist temptation to try on little joke. It was +not, he said, either desirable or usual that he, as outgoing Minister, +should say anything on present occasion. But perhaps KIMBERLEY would +oblige, and would give House full exposition of intentions of new +Ministry with respect to foreign and domestic affairs. KIMBERLEY +gravely answered, that not yet being Minister of the Crown, nor having +had opportunity of consulting with his colleagues, he was unprepared +to make statement on subject. + +In this dilemma DENMAN came to front. "My Lords--" he said. What +more he would have uttered is lost to posterity. MARKISS had moved +adjournment of House, and HALSBURY, who has had long practice on this +particular wicket, promptly bowled DENMAN out, by putting question and +declaring it carried. DENMAN stood moment looking, more in sorrow than +anger, at noble Lords hurrying out with unwonted agility. + +[Illustration: THE NEW CABINET.] + +"They made a mistake," he murmured; "especially HALSBURY. All I wanted +was to propose vote of thanks to him for the grace and dignity with +which he has presided over Debates in this House, and the manner in +which he has, by his dispensation of patronage, preserved the highest +traditions of his office, and even raised its lofty tone. Too late +now, too late;" and the old gentleman putting his crumpled papers in +his pocket, and wrapping his soiled pocket-handkerchief round the knob +of his walking-stick, strode sadly forth. + +[Illustration: "Bless me!"] + +Perhaps it was sight of this pathetic figure that sobered the MARKISS. +Anyhow, as we walked out together, found him in subdued mood, more +fitting the occasion than that assumed when addressing House. "All +over at last, TOBY," he said; "and I may go down to Hatfield, take +off my coat, and have a day's, or even a week's serene pleasure in my +workshop. I'm nobody of any account now, _ni_ Premier, _ni_ Foreign +Minister. Do you remember the lines written by an unknown hand on the +ruins of Berytus, which TRYPHON, King of Syria, sacked a hundred and +forty years before the Star rose at Bethlehem? I was thinking of them +just now, even when I was chaffing KIMBERLEY:-- + + 'Stay not your course, O Mariners, or me, + Nor furl your sails--is not my harbour dry? + Nought but one vast, forsaken tomb am I. + But steer for other lands, from sorrow free, + Where, by a happier and more prosp'rous shore, + Your anchor ye may drop, and rest your oar.'" + +"Not at all," I said. + +Rather an inadequate remark, I see, when I come to write it down. I'd +say something better if the MARKISS would repeat the lines. + +_Business done._--MARKISS announces Resignation of Ministry. + + * * * * * + +_House of Commons, Thursday._--House seems to have been meeting all +day. Began at three o'clock: Sitting suspended at half-past; resumed +at 4.30; off again till nine; might have been continued indefinitely +through night, only thunderstorm of unparalleled ferocity burst +over Metropolis, and put an end to further manoeuvring. "Bless me!" +tremulously murmured Lord SALISBURY's Black Man, as a peal of thunder +shook Clock Tower, and lighted up House of Lords with lurid flame, "if +these are home politics, wish I'd stayed in far-off Ind." + +At first gathering in Commons, parties changed sides. "The sheep to +the right, the goats to the left," as WILLIAM FIELD, Esq., M.P., said, +daintily crossing the floor. + +[Illustration: William Field, Esq., M.P.] + +This remark does not imply anything rude. Fact is FIELD, when at home +in Dublin, holds lofty position of President of Irish Cattle-Traders' +and Stock-Owners' Association. Similes from the stockyard come +naturally to his lips. Promises to be acquisition to Parliamentary +life. Is certainly lovely to look upon, with his flowing hair, his +soft felt hat, the glossy black of his necktie contrasting with glossy +white of his boundless shirt-front. Thought at first he was a poet; +rather disappointing to find he's only a butcher. Whatever he be, he's +refreshing to the eye, wearied with monotony of last Parliament. + +Writs moved for new Elections consequent on acceptance of Office. +Lobby seems full of new Whips, whom JACOB grimly eyes. CAUSTON with +unusually troubled look on manly brow. "What's the matter?" I asked. +"Afraid you'll be chucked?" + +"Oh, no!" he said; "Southwark's safe enough. But they're such doose +of fellows down there. Remember at General Election one took me neat. +After I had made speech to crowded meeting, lot of questions put. +Answered them all satisfactorily. At last one fellow got up, asked +me, in voice of thunder, 'Are you, in favour of temperance?' Rather +ticklish thing that, you know. As many against it as for it. Looked +all round the room; seemed remarkably decent lot; the man who was +heckling me a little rubicund as to the nose; but that might be +indigestion. Anyhow, felt unless I could satisfy him, I'd lose his +vote. 'Are you in favour of temperance?' he roared again. 'Yes, I am;' +I said, heartily. 'Then I ain't!' he roared back; and stamped his +way out of the room. That's the sort of fellows they are down at +Southwark. Never know where you have 'em. Generally turns out they +have _you_." + +_Business done._--Thunderstorm and Prorogation. + + * * * * * + +THE BUILDER AND THE ARCHITECT. + +[Illustration] + + The sun was shining on the fog, + Shining with all his might: + He did his very best to make + The London day look bright-- + And yet it seemed as though it were + The middle of the night. + + The Builder and the Architect + Were walking close at hand; + They wept like anything to see + Such eligible land: + "If this were only built upon," + They said, "it _would_ be grand!" + + "Oh, Tenants, come and live with us!" + The Builder did entreat, + "And take a little villa in + This countrified retreat, + Where stand straight rows of houses, + So very new and neat!" + + The elder Tenants looked at him, + But never a word said they; + The elder Tenants winked their eyes, + As though they meant to say, + "Old birds, like we, are never caught + By chaff in such a way." + + But four young Tenants hurried up, + Each eager to rent one; + Their looks were pale, their faces white, + Like muffins underdone-- + Which was not odd, because, you know, + They never saw the sun. + + The Builder and the Architect + Went on a year or so + Building damp villas on damp ground + Conveniently low: + And still some little houses stood + Quite empty in the row. + + "I cannot think," the Builder said, + "Why people should complain + Of mortar made of mud from roads, + Or roofs that let in rain, + Or sewer-gas that comes from an + Unventilated drain." + + "A fair return," the Builder said, + "Two hundred, say, per cent., + Is all the profit that I want + On anything I've spent, + Now, if you're ready, Tenants dear, + I'll take the quarter's rent." + + "But not from us," the Tenants cried, + "The houses are so new, + They've made us all so very ill + We don't know what to do." + "The County Court," the Builder said, + "Is very near to you." + + "I tell you what," the Builder said, + "I fear that I must seize + Your furniture, unless you pay; + So fork out, if you please." + And even he, in that damp air, + Began to cough and sneeze. + + "Oh, Tenants," said the Architect, + "Just think what I have done, + Designing such aesthetic homes!" + But answer came there none-- + And this was scarcely odd, because + They'd perished every one. + + * * * * * + +UNDER CONSIDERATION, AUGUST 21. + +No appointment could be more appropriate and in accordance with +the fitness of things than to make a GARDNER the new Minister of +Agriculture. Of course it has been suggested that a Rural Dean should +succeed to the vacant Chaplincy. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, August 27, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15144.txt or 15144.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/1/4/15144/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15144.zip b/15144.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..65f0297 --- /dev/null +++ b/15144.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5cd085 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15144 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15144) |
