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diff --git a/15121.txt b/15121.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0fea490 --- /dev/null +++ b/15121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +May 2, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +May 2nd, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the Alliance. +New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd. + + *** + +America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but there is +no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will take on +Mexico if America will take on Ireland. + + *** + +VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that future +alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as heretofore, +the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste. + + *** + +"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always felt +that that is where the castigation should take place. + + *** + +_The Daily Chronicle_ reminds us that Downing Street owes its origin to an +American. There are some people who never will let bygones be bygones. + + *** + +Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in Victoria, +Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in each rural +area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in the present +election campaign. + + *** + +The _Tageblatt_ points out that in view of the extreme goodwill of Germany +towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance in the +torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted friendliness has +confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in Madrid. + + *** + +Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game of +golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire that +the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the war-area. + + *** + +The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This +violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister +who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has +gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department. + + *** + +Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, ordinary +handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting the +horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not seem +to have struck the imagination of trainers. + + *** + +The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several thousand +milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are being taken +care of by other Departments. + + *** + +"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. SALEEBY, +"than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are certainly +having persistent bad luck. + + *** + +The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking +to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is +this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is +causing some of her best friends in this country to lose hope. + + *** + +A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but _The +Daily Mail_ is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or not. + + *** + +"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold for +L1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the egg +might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the picture. + + *** + +In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten wheat +imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will result in a +greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their stock. + + *** + +A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire nation +is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, "continue to eat +in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have heard. + + *** + +In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one +organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat Institution +is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt. + + *** + +The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to +convince us that he is quite himself again. + + *** + +We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count REVENTLOW. +He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own business." + + *** + +There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last year. +It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted. + + *** + +A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop sixty-five +grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In fairness to the +bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this. + + *** + +Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the number of +jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal the old +technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at his own +inquest. + + *** + +"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern police +court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to have that +sort of memory than that sort of face. + + *** + +At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted Cardinal +BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the CARDINAL had +offended the young Cubs. + + *** + +Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the premises of +persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past have been in the +habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt with in other ways. + + *** + +According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing in +price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so +dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?" + +"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE CAN'T BE A +CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST. + + [_The Frankfurter Zeitung_ protests against the idea that "the KAISER + in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty + to have access to his thoughts."] + + Among the penalties imposed on Kings + Who govern absolutely by divine right, + I am no more affected by the things + That Socialists and other dirty swine write + Than when a pin is thrust + Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust. + + But now I deign to answer, even I, + The vilest yet of these revolting sallies, + Where they allege that when our German sky + Rocks to the air of "_Deutschland ueber alles_," + "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside), + "_Ich ueber Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied. + + I'm not like that. I never use the first + Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS, + Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst), + "_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy, + Tells me that, as a Kaiser, + I am a very poor self-advertiser. + + This is a feature of our dynasty; + And no historian who has ever studied + The traits peculiar to the family tree + On which the Hohenzollern _genus_ budded + In all that noble list + Has come across a single egoist. + + They loved their people better than their throne; + Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom; + They never said, "Your souls are not your own, + But simply there in case your King should need 'em;" + They would have thought it odd + To want to be regarded as a god. + + Thus have I served my land; and if a wave + Of lurid revolution overswept her, + And I, her loyal and obedient slave, + Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre, + That grace I'd freely do, + And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS. + +The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who, +without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of their +store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and +encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:-- + +THE BRITISH NAVY. + +We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all +the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT +invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis in. +When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum because +the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have got an +uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days sailers +had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other end of +the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble quick. +But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite now but +this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the sailers, as +you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they like them very +much. + +JOHN BRIGHT (age 9-1/2). + + * * * * * + +SOLGIERS. + +Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you +arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos +it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well. +It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos they +get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war solgiers +were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly good. Granpa +is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he is quite nice +but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be a solgier when I +grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to be someone with a +sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum. + +DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8). + + * * * * * + +AMERICA. + +America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we mean +the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a king they +used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King we have now +or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a President who +does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts a short time +like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President there are men +called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of princes and +dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't like them but +because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if they have to +fight they can do it all right Father says. + +MARY GREY (age 10). + + * * * * * + +OUR ALLIES. + +It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our Allies. +They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, and +America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good number. To begin +with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and polite people which +is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee and for their +fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women can cook. How +beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her sister country +in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light one. Now let us +look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the Germans thought +they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as the bravery and +patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. Belgium is the next on +the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany is a big one so of course +the Germans had the best of it at first but they won't much longer. So it +will be all right soon if we dont eat too many sweets and things. Russia, +Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America and Montynegro, which I forgot +before, are all splendid countries but space forbids more. + +KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12). + + * * * * * + +The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each for +himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg." + + * * * * * + + "To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being + hushed to the front incessantly."--_Star._ + +We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of singing as +he goes into battle. + + * * * * * + + "J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out + would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some + expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the + Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'--which, of course, are the Latin names + of garden insects."--_Pearson's Weekly._ + +Clearly a case of nature mimicry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SELF-PROTECTION. + +JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME I PUT +SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."] + + * * * * * + +REVIVALS AND REVISIONS. + +"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph on +SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the Band of +Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way with +_Hamlet_ is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New authors can +be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be stronger or +weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is henceforward to be +revised, and fairly stringently too. + +Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of _Hamlet_ which +interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned motives +and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in discrimination, +SHAKSPEARE did his best to make _Hamlet_ a poetical as well as a dramatic +tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the mass of rhetoric with +which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. IRVING's task to prune this +well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so that the real dramatic stuff +can at last "get over." But he has done no more. Any rumour to the effect +that he has introduced American songs or dances, or that a "joy plank" +bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue and deserves the severest denial. + +One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been +interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis--and by great he means +those most likely to become revivalists--says that it is the same tale with +all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home near the Zoo, in +his study furnished with the works of all the greatest writers, from the +Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was perfectly true that +he was contemplating a revival of _The Three Musketeers_, with certain +alterations to bring it into line with modern taste in warrior heroes. + +"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear khaki. +Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also be +transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. Thus +_D'Artagnan_ will become an airman, _Aramis_ a padre with fighting +instincts, _Athos_ a general, and _Porthos_ an officer in the A.S.C. A +certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, but that will +come." + +In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith and +Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, knows, a +conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit the North +Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing. + +"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing _The Bells_. Mr. IRVING has kindly +leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the plot, nor +does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made so famous by +Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to suit Mr. LESLIE +HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of thinking,"--here the young officer +saluted--"no funnier comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing +the title from _The Bells_ to _The Belles_, as being more in keeping with +Gaiety traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID +BEATTY wants me." + +But the most interesting case of revision will be that of _The School for +Scandal_, because, two managements being at work upon it, each with +somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the same time, +with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. And this +suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that one old play +can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly conscientious +brains through which it passes. The two managers who have cast longing eyes +on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR +HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of life for this play if it is +taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore arranged an acting version which +will occupy about an hour, with laughs. By eliminating the word "sentiment" +alone, which is tediously harped upon, several minutes are saved. Some of +_Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle's_ repetition of the word "Never" also goes. +The satirical conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of +date, and the whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE +also is re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the +play lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has +therefore kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of +scene to Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this +change, even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force +is gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as _Mrs. +Candour_ (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but +natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play _Charles Surface_, with the accent on +the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple +life. + +In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the +following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The +Mistakes of a Knight_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER +LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.] + + * * * * * + +FOOD CONTROL. + +There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for +our Post-Office employees. + + * * * * * + + "The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_). + +Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business. + + * * * * * + + "A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in + good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + +We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE RATIONING?" + +_Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY BELT." + +_Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A FULL HEART. + + In days of peace my fellow-men + Rightly regarded me as more like + A Bishop than a Major-Gen., + And nothing since has made me warlike; + But when this age-long struggle ends + And I have seen the Allies dish up + The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends! + I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop. + + _When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_ + _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_ + _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_ + _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._ + + I never really longed for gore, + And any taste for red corpuscles + That lingered with me left before + The German troops had entered Brussels. + In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!" + Froze me; and, as the War grew older, + The noise of someone else's gun + Left me considerably colder. + + _When the War is over and the battle has been won,_ + _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_ + _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_ + _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._ + + The Captains and the Kings depart-- + It may be so, but not lieutenants; + Dawn after weary dawn I start + The never-ending round of penance; + One rock amid the welter stands + On which my gaze is fixed intently-- + An after-life in quiet lands + Lived very lazily and gently. + + _When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_ + _I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_ + _When the War is over and we've finished up the show,_ + _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow._ + + Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle, + And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle, + And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver, + And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver, + And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting, + And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting-- + Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ... + Say, starting on Saturday week. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME. + + "Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck, + swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._ + + "Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared + with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._ + + * * * * * + + "King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over + the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained + fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog + rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily Province._ + +It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of machines +of the new type. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LX. + +My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher Commands on +either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard each other's +personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. Recent movements +show that there is no such bargain, or else that the lawless Hun has broken +it. He has attained little else by his destructiveness save the discomfort +of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily, +perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love +difficulties to overcome. That is their business in life. + +It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. would +move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his front- +door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and confining to +their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to isolate himself +from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier himself, however, he +was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming difficulties. He was seen +hovering about, as good as asking for the instructions he most dreaded. And +he got them, short and sharp, as all good military instructions should be. + +If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to another, +and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be there, I +should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. asked for a +fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now the 31st. We +should move to the new place about the 7th," said the Highest Authority. +"Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became permanently and irrevocably +fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his accomplices the thing was as +good as done. + +The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the period of +unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning by instinct +what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long suspected, its own +immediate and paramount importance. Every department appointed a +representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another +representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on the +telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The only +departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon which the +execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of representatives +at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone, slipped out by the +back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when he'd found them, he +lived with them, night and day, here, there and everywhere. + +Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed the +C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said +things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the +departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and +restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil. + +I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of milk +supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of difficulty a +soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new camp there was +no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and again the thing +was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to think out a cow, so to +speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment, transport, housing, +maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety, the arrival of the +cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not even begin to solve +the food question. To him it seemed there were only two alternatives for +the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three francs a day in lieu of +rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and likely to refuse both. + +We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like food," +said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more difficult and +complicated matters of establishment we will issue your orders." These ran: +"Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your Weekly Strength +Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting same. Casualties +include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change of address; +marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought on the proper +establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's Charger, one,' and +should be trained and employed by you as such. (3) Please report action +taken, and whether by you or by the Cow." + +Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening to the +cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took occasion to +march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to injury. The +regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell out on the +march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s front garden +which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders from the Colonel, +who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp Commandant's C.O., were to +remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till called for. This is all a +very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be getting from the C.C. during +what remains of this War for divulging it. + +Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly General +to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important department +or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no terrible +complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there is no bitter +irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April 6th found the +C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion and an angry +crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there had only just +not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and incessant subject +of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the point, had become +positively ridiculous and tiresome about that irrevocable date, April 7th. +It was a dull subject in any case, said the experts, but in the +circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on insisting on it. R.E., +Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having been on too friendly +terms among themselves these latter days, were fast becoming united in +their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting and impossible April +7th. + +At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to have a +look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw; he was +inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition. + +"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for +to-morrow." + +"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow particularly?" + +"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister emphasis. + +"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority. + +"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with almost an +injured note in his voice. + +"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?" + +The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves upon +the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that Camp +Commandant-- + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +FOOD BEFORE CLOTHES. + + "Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody + hens."--_The Smallholder._ + + * * * * * + +THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL. + +[Illustration: "BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE +RUSTIC BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST +INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE." + +SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.] + +[Illustration: AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE +ARCH?" HE ASKED. + +"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH EVERY +FIBRE OF HIS BODY.] + +[Illustration: DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS +ALONE--LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE SMOTE UPON +HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"] + +[Illustration: "OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN +DISTRESSED ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND +ANKLE COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS EYE.] + + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND, + +1836--1917. + +EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880--1906. + + Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen, + Maker of sunshine for the minds of men, + Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts-- + What plaint is fit when such a friend departs? + Not with mere ceremonial words of woe + Come we to mourn--you would not have it so; + But with our memories stored with joyous fun, + Your constant largesse till your life was done, + With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends, + Caught from the common intercourse of friends; + And gay allusions gayer for the zest + Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest. + What arts were yours that taught you to indite + What all men thought, but only you could write! + That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile; + Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile; + Led you to prick some bladder of conceit + Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet, + While wisdom at your call came down to earth, + Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth! + + You too had pondered mid your jesting strife + The deeper issues of our mortal life; + Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim + You fought your fight and left the rest to Him, + Content to set your heart on things above + And rule your days by laughter and by love. + Rest in our memories! You are guarded there + By those who knew you as you lived and were. + There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand, + A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Captain_ (_newly attached_). "ER--IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D +LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?" + +_Major_ (_regimental economist_). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D JUST LOOK AFTER +THE BONES AND DRIPPING."] + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +VIII. + +SOUR GRAPES. + +"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach them, +"that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the hill. + +At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was +filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself. + +He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and +pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last +moment and rolled down the hill. + +He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as +Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded and +the barrel was placed on end under the vine. + +Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit. + +Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust. + +The grapes _were_ sour. + + * * * * * + + "Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a + submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her + crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."--_Ottawa Evening + Journal._ + +This kind of bomb--the demolariser--is just what we want to draw the +enemy's teeth. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS. + +THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (_to Wilhelm-al-Raschid_). "I CAN'T THINK OF ANY +FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?" + +[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the War.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 23rd._--Any intelligent foreigner who obtained admission to +the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the expectation that on the +feast-day of our national saint and the birthday of our national poet he +would be privileged to listen to a series of eloquent speeches upon +patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished orators, must have been +deeply disappointed. The one subject that the House of Commons seems to +care about is food. + +The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest portion. +Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and bread-and-butter +think it very hard that they should be allowed no more bread than others +who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON, like _The +Carpenter_, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a slight facial +resemblance to _The Walrus_, Colonel LOCKWOOD was inexorable. + +The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a nice +old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a Sunday- +School treat would furnish the appropriate _milieu_ for that ardent +Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been inclined to +agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with Sunday-School +treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD CONTROLLER to remove +the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the treat as a "simple meal, +consisting of _a_ bun and tea only." The italic is our own comment on this +estimate of the capacity of our brave tea-fighters. + +_Tuesday, April 24th._--Those Members to whom their constituents have given +notice to quit at the next election, and who have recently been somewhat +depressed by the thought of the impending loss to the nation of their +valuable services, are plucking up heart again now that the life of +Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for example, was in his +best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that his advice to the +Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the country by sending their +racehorses out to grass was well received, for any reference to the +Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the mustard" of the established +humourist. His real success came when Mr. BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE +MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to the Government. Mr. KING drawled +out, "As _The Times_ has stated that this gentleman was so appointed will +its foreign circulation be stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and +loud. + +[Illustration: _Hodge._ "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."] + +Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the outcome of +a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE should have +been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into this country +last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an opportunity of asking, +when the amount, some three thousand tons, had been announced, "How is it +that the new Government has got none of it?" + +There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged with the +conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine own." They +imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say depreciation, is +likely to commend the measure to an audience in which party-spirit is +supposed to be defunct. + +[Illustration: VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE +PEERS' GALLERY.] + +At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of the +Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of +_insouciance_, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial points" +(as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another kind of +corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed to State +interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work, and spoke +with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative listeners +were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, who has +transformed the sword of Blenheim into a ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN, +to whom the announcement of State bounties for wheat-growing seems like the +arrival of the Millennium. + +Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less +enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that +for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If after +the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all their fatal +futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural districts +will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which economically +they cannot approve but which politically they dare not remove. But surely +we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old strife of Tory and +Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence and sterility. Besides +there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS reminded +the House in the best speech he has made since he went on the Treasury +Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and good conditions were to be +secured for agricultural workers the prosperity of the agricultural +industry as a whole must be ensured; and he hoped that the policy of +State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the hard-shell Free Traders +looked glum. + +Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation as a +humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would put +down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better jest +than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's namesake, +who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly afterwards Mr. +YEO asked whether the Government would consider the destruction of cats, +with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of MEUX. + +The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many criticisms +during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was delivered by +the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were landowners or +farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial interests, and +Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so problematical and so +uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO used his freedom to vote +against the Second Reading; but only a handful of Members followed his +example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided that abstention was the +better part of valour. + +_Thursday, April 26th._--Major BAIRD made a modest and candid defence of +the Air Board against its many critics. He did not pretend that they were +yet satisfied--in the case of so new a service there could be no finality-- +but he claimed that the departments had worked much more harmoniously since +they were all housed under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a +statement which Lord HUGH of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD, +despite the general mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good +hard knock on occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain +class of criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an +airman than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he +asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase impossible +of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr. JOYNSON-BILLING took +the rebuke to heart, for they were much less aggressive than usual. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE +THE OLD GENT FALL ORF THE BUS."] + + * * * * * + +SICK. + + Dear MR. PUNCH,--Excuse this tosh, + But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch), + And all my dreary hours are spent + Inside a vast and gloomy tent. + So, as I'm feeling rather blue, + I thought I'd better write to you. + All known diseases here you'll find + (This letter's steamed, you needn't mind); + But in my tent there's only one, + I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun). + The Nurses all are Scotch and stout, + So are the drinks I do without; + I don't complain of lack of fruit-- + At least we don't get arrowroot-- + Nor have I even ever seen a + Single plate of semolina. + So life is not so bad, you see, + Except for chlorine in the tea. + I think that's all, so now will end, + Hoping this finds you, dearest friend, + Just as it leaves me, in the pink + (My rash is not quite gone, I think). + + * * * * * + + "Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to + avert a veritable landslide."--_Sunday Paper._ + +The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated. This +confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to burn. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"HAMLET." + +To prepare a very own version of _Hamlet_ and play it with credit--that is +still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING has fairly won it. The +version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his main purpose was to bring +out the story as if for those who had never seen the play before. It is a +rational point of view, and certainly it seemed a distinct improvement not +to lose sight of _Hamlet's_ adventure to England, as is commonly the case, +and to keep the essential sequence of events and the personality of the +Prince constantly before the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts +and adaptations was that the action did move faster towards the tragic end, +instead of seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it +sometimes does. + +[Illustration: "OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH." + +(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother ought to know.) + +_Hamlet_ . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.] + +Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance remarked a +gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism. It was a very +notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's first gift, an +arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He conveys the beauty +of the words and the richness of the packed thought thoughtfully. The +complex play of action and motive--the purpose blunted by overmuch +thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the self-contempt, the assumed antic +disposition, at times the real mental disturbance--all this was set before +us with a fine skill and resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was +masterly in its sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with +_Ophelia_ showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An +ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the fencing +bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved the +technique of the fencing. + +Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S _Ophelia_ in the Mad Scene was full of beauty, +sweetness and dignity--and we have so often been bored by our lesser +_Ophelias_. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was the foolish +prating knave, a _Polonius_ robbed of his best speech, and the more +consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his view that +_Polonius_ could never by any chance have given any such advice to his +truculent son. + +One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions. But I +wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general quality +of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring. There was +little of the king's divinity hedging _Claudius_; the _Queen_ (an always +difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing, though played by a clever +actress; _Guildenstern_ and awkward _Rosencrantz_ deserved any fate which +awaited them in England. Neither _Laertes_ nor _Horatio_ seemed authentic. +But Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. _Hamlet_ +was the thing. + +T. + + * * * * * + + "A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the + following telegram to the Crown Prince:--'The troops of all the German + tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and strongly + led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break through + on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry had to + bear the grunt.'"--_Northern Whig._ + +The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW RATIONS. + + "Joint Hospital Board, ----, 14th April, 1917. The above Board require + two Probationer Nurses for their Consumption."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline, +"Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for _The +Barking Gazette_:-- + + GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS! + PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS. + GREAT DANES NEUTRAL. + RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS + (SKY TERRIERS). + ROUT OF DALMATIANS. + FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF. + + * * * * * + +THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE. + +"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to the +fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left shoulder, "can +only be granted now in special circumstances." + +Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions, we had +been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority had just +had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood. The rest of +us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a hot-water supply that +would certainly cease to have anything warming or expansive about it by the +time it reached the junior Second Lieutenant. + +"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant with a +watchful eye--"the question is, what are you going to regard as special +circumstances?" + +"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the +Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're +special or not," + +"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a pretty +special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?" + +"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting married +yourself?" + +The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave going +with it he might think of it. + +"One's simply got to get leave _somehow_," he complained. "What about a +breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a breach of +promise case, wouldn't that do?" + +"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have to get +leave for something else first before you could manage it." + +"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for rather +longer than you bargained for." + +"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully. "Funerals are +a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?" + +"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me +to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of +inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals. +When I was in the Army"--the Adjutant talks like this since he was attached +to the Flying Corps--"when I was in the Army there was a fellow who used to +come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me until I was sick of the +sight of him. After some months of it I made him give me a written list of +all his surviving relations, and then as he killed them off I used to +scratch them out. I caught him at last on his third grandmother." + +"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at present +before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any leave?" + +"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command Orders +are Command Orders." + +There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his voice and +spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally. He said +that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all loving-kindness. +Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so said the Stunt +Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for hours together +over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the Carlton and the +Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the delights of London +were ready to their hands, while poor devils like himself, shorn of leave, +were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess in the society of such +people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it, where the justice, and +when the deuce were they, any of them, going to get a chance at the +bath-room? + +The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity. + +"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely spoilt +over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three or four +days in six months quite handsome." + +The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four days' +work or three or four days' leave. + +"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at the +risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very good +thing that leave _has_ been cut down. My own opinion is that in the past +there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and down to +London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've got to do +if we want to win this War is to--" + +At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the corner. + +"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the way, +shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What train are +you catching?" + +The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second. + +"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5." + +"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than forty-eight +hours, I suppose?" + +"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir." + +A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence broken +by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot. + +"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to _London_?" + +The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation. + +"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked. + +"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his voice to +surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and you've just been +pouring out hot air about--" + +"_Leave?_" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What d'you mean +by leave? I'm going on _duty_." + +A chorus of derisive laughter greeted the announcement. "Duty?" echoed the +Stunt Pilot bitterly. "_What_ duty?" + +The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel. + +"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a +vacuum-cleaner for the Mess." + +"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he was +able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to buy a +vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?" + +"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole experience of +vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to look at a great +many of them before you can pick a really good one." He glanced round for +his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with your baths, I've got +an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my hair. I expect I shall +be far too busy in town for the next two days to have any time to waste on +barbers." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_to "land-lady"_). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN' +WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?" + +"_Land-lady._" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS ALWAYS +TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP HILLS, LIKE +THE RAILWAY ENGINES."] + + * * * * * + +GENERAL POST. + +Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the street. +It was the six o'clock car--I noticed the usual evening crowd, and they +were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual. + +The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening paper. +He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The elderly +relative--as I call her--was opposite to me. She had her small attache-case +and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at a glance that my face +bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat paterfamilias, the +wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the crew who travel with +dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban line. + +So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round. + +"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road." + +"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her ear. + +"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want." + +"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to have +a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to write you +all down, and it's time to begin." + +"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had ever +heard of. + +"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman. + +"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly. + +The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed it +would be St. Ives. + +The conductress made her way from one end to the other. + +"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd stick to +English names. Are you all ready?" + +She rang the bell. + +"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is +going from Paris to Pontresina." + +I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning slightly. +Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry child again. +I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a gasp into mine. + +"York to St. Ives!" + +It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was +signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping beside +me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me. + +"What an escape!" she said. "There, _he'_s caught--York, I mean. I don't +know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each other's faces so +well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that we have towns for +names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always called you Cicero +to myself. Oh, I hardly know why--you looked a little satirical sometimes. +But now you're Pontresina, of course." + +"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!" + +"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be caught--he's +so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do you know I never +thought any of the people in this car _could_ laugh, or even smile. I do +think this Society for the Abolition of Boredom in Public Conveyances is an +excellent thing, don't you?" + +"Pontresina to St. Ives!" + +Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked, but she +only laughed. + +"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This exercise +keeps one so warm these cold days." + +The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the +conductress shouted the names. + +"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those +outside." + +That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game. There was +a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase. Those without +were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to get up. + +The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders. + +"Climb up the railing," she said. + +Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her upwards. +We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat. + +Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white hair +was ruffled. + +"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!" + +The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules. She +cast herself down beside Macclesfield. + +"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply _jammed_ in the +wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We never _can_ be serious +with each other after this, can we?" + +St. Ives nodded. + +"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to +think him so haughty; now--" + +"Albemarle Road--don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress was asking +me. She spoke very loudly. + +"Pontresina--I'm Pontresina," I answered. + +"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny," she +insisted. + +I rose in bewilderment. + +St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her and +smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening--how could I ever +forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to think I +was mad. Macclesfield was reading his _Star_ just as if he had never hurled +himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper was squinting at herself in +a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously at me as I passed. Old +York was half asleep. One would think they had never been rushing about in +that frantic General Post. And we were all inside the car again. + +It _was_ odd! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD +'OARDING, DIDN'T 'E?"] + + * * * * * + +'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO. + +(_Lines suggested by an old Magazine._) + + Published the year I went to school-- + The second of life's seven ages-- + How fragrant of Victorian rule + Are these forgotten pages! + When meat and fruit were still uncanned; + When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing; + And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned + As rather too exciting. + + No murmurs of impending strife + Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted; + Our novelists still looked on life + Through spectacles rose-tinted; + And Paris, in those giddy years, + Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER, + Blind to the doom of blood and tears, + With none to warn or guide her. + + The index and the authors' names, + Their stories and their lucubrations, + Recall old literary aims + And faded reputations; + We wonder at the influence + That SALA'S florid periods had on + His fellows, and the vogue immense + Of versatile Miss BRADDON. + + And yet I read _Aurora Floyd_ + In youth with rapture quite unholy-- + Not in the way that I enjoyed + Mince-pies or roly-poly; + While "G.A.S." appeared to me + Like a Leonid fresh from starland, + Not the young lion that we see + Portrayed in _Friendship's Garland_. + + And there are tinklings of the lute + In orthodox decorous fashion, + But altogether destitute + Of "elemental" passion; + And illustrations which refrain + From all that verges on the shady, + But glorify the whiskered swain, + The lachrymose young lady. + + The sirens of the "sixties" showed + No inkling of our modern Circes, + And swells had not evolved the code + That guides our precious Percys; + Woman, in short, was grave or gay, + But not a problem or a riddle, + And maidens still were taught to play + The harp and not the fiddle. + + And writers in the main eschewed + All topics tending to disquiet, + All efforts to reorganize + Our dogmas or our diet; + You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN + Without creating quite a scandal, + And rag-time on the gramophone + Had not supplanted HANDEL. + + Blameless and wholesome in their way, + At times agreeably subacid, + I love these records of a day + Long dead, but calm and placid; + And with a sigh I now replace + This ancient volume of _Belgravia_ + And turn the "latest news" to face + _Mutans amaris suavia_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Rector's Daughter._ "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO +VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY +MEDAL." + +_Mrs. Mullins_ (_not to be outdone_). "YES, MISS. AND _MY_ BOY COULD HAVE +GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE RISK."] + + * * * * * + +A SLUMP IN MARIONETTES. + + "For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened + on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the + summoning of a Grand Judy."--_Lincolnshire Echo._ + + * * * * * + +"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too." + + * * * * * + + "'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I + was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion + threw me along the deck for some yards.'"--_Daily Paper._ + +"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker--we _don't_ think. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL +THEM TO SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES _IN_. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING +COMPLETELY RUINED!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume _A +Diversity of Creatures_ (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word out of my +mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for the confusion +and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the extreme diversity of +the tales herein which, while providing (as they say) something for all +tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as a whole. In form it +follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so much pleasure, of +sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea of the tale that +has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for many the most +attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we get diversity +indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost impossible for +anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace, but I am bound to +admit that there is at least one of the collection (which, pardon me, I do +not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in that direction. Also there +are two of which one can honestly say that no other pen could have written +them with anything like such finished art--_The Village that Voted the +Earth was Flat_, which one might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my +mind the best thing in the volume) _My Son's Wife_, an exquisitely humorous +and cunning study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this +definition strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand. +For the rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the +rival schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of _Plain Tales_, +or _Stalky_ or _Puck_, will each receive encouragement and support; while, +if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler undisguisable, they too will +not find themselves altogether neglected. + + * * * * * + +I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of their +own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling. What they, +or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of _The Worn Doorstep_ (HODDER +AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its merits from the +housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me, and not for them, +to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed to admit that the +book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the form of letters (never +to be posted, since they are from a young wife to her soldier-husband, +presumed to have been killed before the opening of the book). Miss MARGARET +SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more popular some few years ago than +with our present-day romanticists. The matter of her tale shows how the +young wife in question found consolation in befriending others, especially +in the love affairs of a Belgian refugee couple, to whom she opens her home +and heart. A very pretty idea, developed with many dainty and amiable +touches. Perhaps (I set down no dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical +or impatient may find its sweetness something too drawn out. On the other +hand, there are many "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom +its appeal will prove entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to +spread its merits in the right quarters there will be no need for the +publishers to shout, either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as +I suggested above) is as it should be. + + * * * * * + +When we are introduced to _Margaret Grenfield_, the heroine of _Fetters on +the Feet_ (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker cousins and spending +most of her time in mending stockings. So many people make stockings who +refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine there must be something +peculiarly unattractive in this work of restoration, and it was a fortunate +day for _Margaret_ when the pedantic young man of the house proposed to +marry her. After this we discover that she has both a history and a will of +her own. She leaves the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds +eccentric if broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change +of atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for +_Margaret's_ peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer and +followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy, grew +dimmer and dimmer as _Margaret_, freeing herself of shackles, gradually +began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a darning- +needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day dawned. The +whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which is her way of +saying that _Margaret_ had found happiness. But all the same I fancy that +introspection had become such a habit of this heroine that she is still +likely to have days when the dawn is grey and no birds sing. + + * * * * * + + "He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the + deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane + propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."--_Evening + Paper._ + +The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess, who +are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady; + lifting and light duties."--_Newcastle Daily Journal._ + +We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons nowadays +prefer to look like flappers. + + * * * * * + +From a trade prospectus:-- + + "---- Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef." + +We have always been great believers in bovine modesty. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, May 2, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15121.txt or 15121.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/1/2/15121/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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