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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+May 2nd, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the Alliance.
+New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.
+
+       ***
+
+America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but there is
+no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will take on
+Mexico if America will take on Ireland.
+
+       ***
+
+VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that future
+alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as heretofore,
+the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.
+
+       ***
+
+"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always felt
+that that is where the castigation should take place.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ reminds us that Downing Street owes its origin to an
+American. There are some people who never will let bygones be bygones.
+
+       ***
+
+Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in Victoria,
+Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in each rural
+area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in the present
+election campaign.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Tageblatt_ points out that in view of the extreme goodwill of Germany
+towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance in the
+torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted friendliness has
+confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in Madrid.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game of
+golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire that
+the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the war-area.
+
+       ***
+
+The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This
+violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister
+who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has
+gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, ordinary
+handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting the
+horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not seem
+to have struck the imagination of trainers.
+
+       ***
+
+The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several thousand
+milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are being taken
+care of by other Departments.
+
+       ***
+
+"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. SALEEBY,
+"than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are certainly
+having persistent bad luck.
+
+       ***
+
+The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking
+to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is
+this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is
+causing some of her best friends in this country to lose hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but _The
+Daily Mail_ is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or not.
+
+       ***
+
+"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold for
+L1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the egg
+might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the picture.
+
+       ***
+
+In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten wheat
+imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will result in a
+greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their stock.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire nation
+is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, "continue to eat
+in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have heard.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one
+organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat Institution
+is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to
+convince us that he is quite himself again.
+
+       ***
+
+We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count REVENTLOW.
+He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own business."
+
+       ***
+
+There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last year.
+It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.
+
+       ***
+
+A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop sixty-five
+grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In fairness to the
+bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the number of
+jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal the old
+technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at his own
+inquest.
+
+       ***
+
+"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern police
+court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to have that
+sort of memory than that sort of face.
+
+       ***
+
+At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted Cardinal
+BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the CARDINAL had
+offended the young Cubs.
+
+       ***
+
+Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the premises of
+persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past have been in the
+habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt with in other ways.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing in
+price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so
+dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?"
+
+"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE CAN'T BE A
+CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.
+
+    [_The Frankfurter Zeitung_ protests against the idea that "the KAISER
+    in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty
+    to have access to his thoughts."]
+
+  Among the penalties imposed on Kings
+    Who govern absolutely by divine right,
+  I am no more affected by the things
+    That Socialists and other dirty swine write
+          Than when a pin is thrust
+    Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.
+
+  But now I deign to answer, even I,
+    The vilest yet of these revolting sallies,
+  Where they allege that when our German sky
+    Rocks to the air of "_Deutschland ueber alles_,"
+          "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside),
+  "_Ich ueber Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied.
+
+  I'm not like that. I never use the first
+    Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS,
+  Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst),
+    "_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy,
+          Tells me that, as a Kaiser,
+  I am a very poor self-advertiser.
+
+  This is a feature of our dynasty;
+    And no historian who has ever studied
+  The traits peculiar to the family tree
+    On which the Hohenzollern _genus_ budded
+          In all that noble list
+    Has come across a single egoist.
+
+  They loved their people better than their throne;
+    Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom;
+  They never said, "Your souls are not your own,
+    But simply there in case your King should need 'em;"
+          They would have thought it odd
+    To want to be regarded as a god.
+
+  Thus have I served my land; and if a wave
+    Of lurid revolution overswept her,
+  And I, her loyal and obedient slave,
+    Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre,
+          That grace I'd freely do,
+    And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
+
+The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who,
+without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of their
+store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and
+encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:--
+
+THE BRITISH NAVY.
+
+We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all
+the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT
+invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis in.
+When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum because
+the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have got an
+uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days sailers
+had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other end of
+the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble quick.
+But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite now but
+this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the sailers, as
+you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they like them very
+much.
+
+JOHN BRIGHT (age 9-1/2).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLGIERS.
+
+Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you
+arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos
+it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well.
+It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos they
+get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war solgiers
+were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly good. Granpa
+is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he is quite nice
+but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be a solgier when I
+grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to be someone with a
+sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.
+
+DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICA.
+
+America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we mean
+the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a king they
+used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King we have now
+or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a President who
+does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts a short time
+like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President there are men
+called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of princes and
+dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't like them but
+because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if they have to
+fight they can do it all right Father says.
+
+MARY GREY (age 10).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ALLIES.
+
+It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our Allies.
+They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, and
+America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good number. To begin
+with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and polite people which
+is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee and for their
+fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women can cook. How
+beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her sister country
+in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light one. Now let us
+look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the Germans thought
+they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as the bravery and
+patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. Belgium is the next on
+the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany is a big one so of course
+the Germans had the best of it at first but they won't much longer. So it
+will be all right soon if we dont eat too many sweets and things. Russia,
+Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America and Montynegro, which I forgot
+before, are all splendid countries but space forbids more.
+
+KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each for
+himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being
+    hushed to the front incessantly."--_Star._
+
+We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of singing as
+he goes into battle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out
+    would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some
+    expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the
+    Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'--which, of course, are the Latin names
+    of garden insects."--_Pearson's Weekly._
+
+Clearly a case of nature mimicry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SELF-PROTECTION.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME I PUT
+SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.
+
+"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph on
+SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the Band of
+Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way with
+_Hamlet_ is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New authors can
+be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be stronger or
+weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is henceforward to be
+revised, and fairly stringently too.
+
+Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of _Hamlet_ which
+interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned motives
+and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in discrimination,
+SHAKSPEARE did his best to make _Hamlet_ a poetical as well as a dramatic
+tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the mass of rhetoric with
+which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. IRVING's task to prune this
+well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so that the real dramatic stuff
+can at last "get over." But he has done no more. Any rumour to the effect
+that he has introduced American songs or dances, or that a "joy plank"
+bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue and deserves the severest denial.
+
+One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been
+interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis--and by great he means
+those most likely to become revivalists--says that it is the same tale with
+all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home near the Zoo, in
+his study furnished with the works of all the greatest writers, from the
+Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was perfectly true that
+he was contemplating a revival of _The Three Musketeers_, with certain
+alterations to bring it into line with modern taste in warrior heroes.
+
+"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear khaki.
+Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also be
+transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. Thus
+_D'Artagnan_ will become an airman, _Aramis_ a padre with fighting
+instincts, _Athos_ a general, and _Porthos_ an officer in the A.S.C. A
+certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, but that will
+come."
+
+In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith and
+Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, knows, a
+conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit the North
+Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.
+
+"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing _The Bells_. Mr. IRVING has kindly
+leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the plot, nor
+does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made so famous by
+Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to suit Mr. LESLIE
+HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of thinking,"--here the young officer
+saluted--"no funnier comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing
+the title from _The Bells_ to _The Belles_, as being more in keeping with
+Gaiety traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID
+BEATTY wants me."
+
+But the most interesting case of revision will be that of _The School for
+Scandal_, because, two managements being at work upon it, each with
+somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the same time,
+with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. And this
+suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that one old play
+can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly conscientious
+brains through which it passes. The two managers who have cast longing eyes
+on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR
+HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of life for this play if it is
+taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore arranged an acting version which
+will occupy about an hour, with laughs. By eliminating the word "sentiment"
+alone, which is tediously harped upon, several minutes are saved. Some of
+_Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle's_ repetition of the word "Never" also goes.
+The satirical conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of
+date, and the whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE
+also is re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the
+play lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has
+therefore kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of
+scene to Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this
+change, even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force
+is gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as _Mrs.
+Candour_ (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but
+natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play _Charles Surface_, with the accent on
+the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple
+life.
+
+In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the
+following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The
+Mistakes of a Knight_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER
+LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD CONTROL.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for
+our Post-Office employees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_).
+
+Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in
+    good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE RATIONING?"
+
+_Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY BELT."
+
+_Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM A FULL HEART.
+
+          In days of peace my fellow-men
+            Rightly regarded me as more like
+          A Bishop than a Major-Gen.,
+            And nothing since has made me warlike;
+          But when this age-long struggle ends
+            And I have seen the Allies dish up
+          The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends!
+            I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.
+
+  _When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_
+  _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_
+  _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_
+  _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._
+
+          I never really longed for gore,
+            And any taste for red corpuscles
+          That lingered with me left before
+            The German troops had entered Brussels.
+          In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!"
+            Froze me; and, as the War grew older,
+          The noise of someone else's gun
+            Left me considerably colder.
+
+  _When the War is over and the battle has been won,_
+  _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_
+  _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_
+  _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._
+
+          The Captains and the Kings depart--
+            It may be so, but not lieutenants;
+          Dawn after weary dawn I start
+            The never-ending round of penance;
+          One rock amid the welter stands
+            On which my gaze is fixed intently--
+          An after-life in quiet lands
+            Lived very lazily and gently.
+
+  _When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_
+  _I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_
+  _When the War is over and we've finished up the show,_
+  _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow._
+
+      Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle,
+      And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle,
+      And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver,
+      And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver,
+      And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting,
+      And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting--
+      Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...
+          Say, starting on Saturday week.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    "Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck,
+    swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._
+
+    "Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared
+    with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over
+    the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained
+    fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog
+    rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily Province._
+
+It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of machines
+of the new type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LX.
+
+My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher Commands on
+either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard each other's
+personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. Recent movements
+show that there is no such bargain, or else that the lawless Hun has broken
+it. He has attained little else by his destructiveness save the discomfort
+of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily,
+perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love
+difficulties to overcome. That is their business in life.
+
+It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. would
+move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his front-
+door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and confining to
+their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to isolate himself
+from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier himself, however, he
+was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming difficulties. He was seen
+hovering about, as good as asking for the instructions he most dreaded. And
+he got them, short and sharp, as all good military instructions should be.
+
+If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to another,
+and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be there, I
+should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. asked for a
+fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now the 31st. We
+should move to the new place about the 7th," said the Highest Authority.
+"Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became permanently and irrevocably
+fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his accomplices the thing was as
+good as done.
+
+The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the period of
+unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning by instinct
+what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long suspected, its own
+immediate and paramount importance. Every department appointed a
+representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another
+representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on the
+telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The only
+departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon which the
+execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of representatives
+at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone, slipped out by the
+back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when he'd found them, he
+lived with them, night and day, here, there and everywhere.
+
+Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed the
+C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said
+things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the
+departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and
+restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.
+
+I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of milk
+supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of difficulty a
+soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new camp there was
+no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and again the thing
+was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to think out a cow, so to
+speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment, transport, housing,
+maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety, the arrival of the
+cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not even begin to solve
+the food question. To him it seemed there were only two alternatives for
+the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three francs a day in lieu of
+rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and likely to refuse both.
+
+We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like food,"
+said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more difficult and
+complicated matters of establishment we will issue your orders." These ran:
+"Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your Weekly Strength
+Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting same. Casualties
+include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change of address;
+marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought on the proper
+establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's Charger, one,' and
+should be trained and employed by you as such. (3) Please report action
+taken, and whether by you or by the Cow."
+
+Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening to the
+cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took occasion to
+march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to injury. The
+regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell out on the
+march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s front garden
+which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders from the Colonel,
+who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp Commandant's C.O., were to
+remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till called for. This is all a
+very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be getting from the C.C. during
+what remains of this War for divulging it.
+
+Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly General
+to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important department
+or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no terrible
+complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there is no bitter
+irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April 6th found the
+C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion and an angry
+crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there had only just
+not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and incessant subject
+of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the point, had become
+positively ridiculous and tiresome about that irrevocable date, April 7th.
+It was a dull subject in any case, said the experts, but in the
+circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on insisting on it. R.E.,
+Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having been on too friendly
+terms among themselves these latter days, were fast becoming united in
+their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting and impossible April
+7th.
+
+At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to have a
+look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw; he was
+inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition.
+
+"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for
+to-morrow."
+
+"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow particularly?"
+
+"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister emphasis.
+
+"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority.
+
+"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with almost an
+injured note in his voice.
+
+"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?"
+
+The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves upon
+the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that Camp
+Commandant--
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD BEFORE CLOTHES.
+
+    "Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody
+    hens."--_The Smallholder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL.
+
+[Illustration: "BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE
+RUSTIC BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST
+INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE."
+
+SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.]
+
+[Illustration: AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE
+ARCH?" HE ASKED.
+
+"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH EVERY
+FIBRE OF HIS BODY.]
+
+[Illustration: DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS
+ALONE--LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE SMOTE UPON
+HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"]
+
+[Illustration: "OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN
+DISTRESSED ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND
+ANKLE COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS EYE.]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORIAM.
+
+FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND,
+
+1836--1917.
+
+EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880--1906.
+
+  Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen,
+  Maker of sunshine for the minds of men,
+  Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts--
+  What plaint is fit when such a friend departs?
+  Not with mere ceremonial words of woe
+  Come we to mourn--you would not have it so;
+  But with our memories stored with joyous fun,
+  Your constant largesse till your life was done,
+  With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends,
+  Caught from the common intercourse of friends;
+  And gay allusions gayer for the zest
+  Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest.
+  What arts were yours that taught you to indite
+  What all men thought, but only you could write!
+  That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile;
+  Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile;
+  Led you to prick some bladder of conceit
+  Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet,
+  While wisdom at your call came down to earth,
+  Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth!
+
+  You too had pondered mid your jesting strife
+  The deeper issues of our mortal life;
+  Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim
+  You fought your fight and left the rest to Him,
+  Content to set your heart on things above
+  And rule your days by laughter and by love.
+  Rest in our memories! You are guarded there
+  By those who knew you as you lived and were.
+  There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand,
+  A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain_ (_newly attached_). "ER--IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D
+LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?"
+
+_Major_ (_regimental economist_). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D JUST LOOK AFTER
+THE BONES AND DRIPPING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+VIII.
+
+SOUR GRAPES.
+
+"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach them,
+"that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the hill.
+
+At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was
+filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself.
+
+He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and
+pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last
+moment and rolled down the hill.
+
+He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as
+Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded and
+the barrel was placed on end under the vine.
+
+Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit.
+
+Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust.
+
+The grapes _were_ sour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a
+    submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her
+    crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."--_Ottawa Evening
+    Journal._
+
+This kind of bomb--the demolariser--is just what we want to draw the
+enemy's teeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS.
+
+THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (_to Wilhelm-al-Raschid_). "I CAN'T THINK OF ANY
+FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?"
+
+[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the War.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 23rd._--Any intelligent foreigner who obtained admission to
+the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the expectation that on the
+feast-day of our national saint and the birthday of our national poet he
+would be privileged to listen to a series of eloquent speeches upon
+patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished orators, must have been
+deeply disappointed. The one subject that the House of Commons seems to
+care about is food.
+
+The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest portion.
+Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and bread-and-butter
+think it very hard that they should be allowed no more bread than others
+who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON, like _The
+Carpenter_, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a slight facial
+resemblance to _The Walrus_, Colonel LOCKWOOD was inexorable.
+
+The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a nice
+old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a Sunday-
+School treat would furnish the appropriate _milieu_ for that ardent
+Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been inclined to
+agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with Sunday-School
+treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD CONTROLLER to remove
+the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the treat as a "simple meal,
+consisting of _a_ bun and tea only." The italic is our own comment on this
+estimate of the capacity of our brave tea-fighters.
+
+_Tuesday, April 24th._--Those Members to whom their constituents have given
+notice to quit at the next election, and who have recently been somewhat
+depressed by the thought of the impending loss to the nation of their
+valuable services, are plucking up heart again now that the life of
+Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for example, was in his
+best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that his advice to the
+Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the country by sending their
+racehorses out to grass was well received, for any reference to the
+Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the mustard" of the established
+humourist. His real success came when Mr. BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE
+MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to the Government. Mr. KING drawled
+out, "As _The Times_ has stated that this gentleman was so appointed will
+its foreign circulation be stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and
+loud.
+
+[Illustration: _Hodge._ "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."]
+
+Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the outcome of
+a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE should have
+been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into this country
+last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an opportunity of asking,
+when the amount, some three thousand tons, had been announced, "How is it
+that the new Government has got none of it?"
+
+There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged with the
+conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine own." They
+imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say depreciation, is
+likely to commend the measure to an audience in which party-spirit is
+supposed to be defunct.
+
+[Illustration: VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE
+PEERS' GALLERY.]
+
+At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of the
+Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of
+_insouciance_, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial points"
+(as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another kind of
+corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed to State
+interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work, and spoke
+with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative listeners
+were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, who has
+transformed the sword of Blenheim into a ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN,
+to whom the announcement of State bounties for wheat-growing seems like the
+arrival of the Millennium.
+
+Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less
+enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that
+for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If after
+the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all their fatal
+futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural districts
+will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which economically
+they cannot approve but which politically they dare not remove. But surely
+we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old strife of Tory and
+Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence and sterility. Besides
+there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS reminded
+the House in the best speech he has made since he went on the Treasury
+Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and good conditions were to be
+secured for agricultural workers the prosperity of the agricultural
+industry as a whole must be ensured; and he hoped that the policy of
+State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the hard-shell Free Traders
+looked glum.
+
+Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation as a
+humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would put
+down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better jest
+than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's namesake,
+who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly afterwards Mr.
+YEO asked whether the Government would consider the destruction of cats,
+with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of MEUX.
+
+The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many criticisms
+during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was delivered by
+the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were landowners or
+farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial interests, and
+Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so problematical and so
+uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO used his freedom to vote
+against the Second Reading; but only a handful of Members followed his
+example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided that abstention was the
+better part of valour.
+
+_Thursday, April 26th._--Major BAIRD made a modest and candid defence of
+the Air Board against its many critics. He did not pretend that they were
+yet satisfied--in the case of so new a service there could be no finality--
+but he claimed that the departments had worked much more harmoniously since
+they were all housed under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a
+statement which Lord HUGH of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD,
+despite the general mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good
+hard knock on occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain
+class of criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an
+airman than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he
+asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase impossible
+of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr. JOYNSON-BILLING took
+the rebuke to heart, for they were much less aggressive than usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE
+THE OLD GENT FALL ORF THE BUS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SICK.
+
+  Dear MR. PUNCH,--Excuse this tosh,
+  But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch),
+  And all my dreary hours are spent
+  Inside a vast and gloomy tent.
+  So, as I'm feeling rather blue,
+  I thought I'd better write to you.
+  All known diseases here you'll find
+  (This letter's steamed, you needn't mind);
+  But in my tent there's only one,
+  I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun).
+  The Nurses all are Scotch and stout,
+  So are the drinks I do without;
+  I don't complain of lack of fruit--
+  At least we don't get arrowroot--
+  Nor have I even ever seen a
+  Single plate of semolina.
+  So life is not so bad, you see,
+  Except for chlorine in the tea.
+  I think that's all, so now will end,
+  Hoping this finds you, dearest friend,
+  Just as it leaves me, in the pink
+  (My rash is not quite gone, I think).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to
+    avert a veritable landslide."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated. This
+confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to burn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"HAMLET."
+
+To prepare a very own version of _Hamlet_ and play it with credit--that is
+still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING has fairly won it. The
+version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his main purpose was to bring
+out the story as if for those who had never seen the play before. It is a
+rational point of view, and certainly it seemed a distinct improvement not
+to lose sight of _Hamlet's_ adventure to England, as is commonly the case,
+and to keep the essential sequence of events and the personality of the
+Prince constantly before the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts
+and adaptations was that the action did move faster towards the tragic end,
+instead of seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it
+sometimes does.
+
+[Illustration: "OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH."
+
+(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother ought to know.)
+
+_Hamlet_ . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.]
+
+Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance remarked a
+gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism. It was a very
+notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's first gift, an
+arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He conveys the beauty
+of the words and the richness of the packed thought thoughtfully. The
+complex play of action and motive--the purpose blunted by overmuch
+thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the self-contempt, the assumed antic
+disposition, at times the real mental disturbance--all this was set before
+us with a fine skill and resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was
+masterly in its sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with
+_Ophelia_ showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An
+ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the fencing
+bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved the
+technique of the fencing.
+
+Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S _Ophelia_ in the Mad Scene was full of beauty,
+sweetness and dignity--and we have so often been bored by our lesser
+_Ophelias_. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was the foolish
+prating knave, a _Polonius_ robbed of his best speech, and the more
+consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his view that
+_Polonius_ could never by any chance have given any such advice to his
+truculent son.
+
+One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions. But I
+wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general quality
+of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring. There was
+little of the king's divinity hedging _Claudius_; the _Queen_ (an always
+difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing, though played by a clever
+actress; _Guildenstern_ and awkward _Rosencrantz_ deserved any fate which
+awaited them in England. Neither _Laertes_ nor _Horatio_ seemed authentic.
+But Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. _Hamlet_
+was the thing.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the
+    following telegram to the Crown Prince:--'The troops of all the German
+    tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and strongly
+    led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break through
+    on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry had to
+    bear the grunt.'"--_Northern Whig._
+
+The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW RATIONS.
+
+    "Joint Hospital Board, ----, 14th April, 1917. The above Board require
+    two Probationer Nurses for their Consumption."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline,
+"Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for _The
+Barking Gazette_:--
+
+  GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS!
+  PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS.
+  GREAT DANES NEUTRAL.
+  RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS
+    (SKY TERRIERS).
+  ROUT OF DALMATIANS.
+  FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE.
+
+"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to the
+fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left shoulder, "can
+only be granted now in special circumstances."
+
+Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions, we had
+been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority had just
+had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood. The rest of
+us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a hot-water supply that
+would certainly cease to have anything warming or expansive about it by the
+time it reached the junior Second Lieutenant.
+
+"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant with a
+watchful eye--"the question is, what are you going to regard as special
+circumstances?"
+
+"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the
+Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're
+special or not,"
+
+"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a pretty
+special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?"
+
+"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting married
+yourself?"
+
+The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave going
+with it he might think of it.
+
+"One's simply got to get leave _somehow_," he complained. "What about a
+breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a breach of
+promise case, wouldn't that do?"
+
+"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have to get
+leave for something else first before you could manage it."
+
+"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for rather
+longer than you bargained for."
+
+"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully. "Funerals are
+a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?"
+
+"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me
+to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of
+inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals.
+When I was in the Army"--the Adjutant talks like this since he was attached
+to the Flying Corps--"when I was in the Army there was a fellow who used to
+come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me until I was sick of the
+sight of him. After some months of it I made him give me a written list of
+all his surviving relations, and then as he killed them off I used to
+scratch them out. I caught him at last on his third grandmother."
+
+"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at present
+before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any leave?"
+
+"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command Orders
+are Command Orders."
+
+There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his voice and
+spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally. He said
+that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all loving-kindness.
+Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so said the Stunt
+Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for hours together
+over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the Carlton and the
+Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the delights of London
+were ready to their hands, while poor devils like himself, shorn of leave,
+were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess in the society of such
+people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it, where the justice, and
+when the deuce were they, any of them, going to get a chance at the
+bath-room?
+
+The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity.
+
+"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely spoilt
+over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three or four
+days in six months quite handsome."
+
+The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four days'
+work or three or four days' leave.
+
+"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at the
+risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very good
+thing that leave _has_ been cut down. My own opinion is that in the past
+there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and down to
+London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've got to do
+if we want to win this War is to--"
+
+At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the corner.
+
+"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the way,
+shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What train are
+you catching?"
+
+The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second.
+
+"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5."
+
+"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than forty-eight
+hours, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir."
+
+A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence broken
+by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot.
+
+"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to _London_?"
+
+The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation.
+
+"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked.
+
+"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his voice to
+surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and you've just been
+pouring out hot air about--"
+
+"_Leave?_" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What d'you mean
+by leave? I'm going on _duty_."
+
+A chorus of derisive laughter greeted the announcement. "Duty?" echoed the
+Stunt Pilot bitterly. "_What_ duty?"
+
+The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel.
+
+"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner for the Mess."
+
+"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he was
+able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?"
+
+"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole experience of
+vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to look at a great
+many of them before you can pick a really good one." He glanced round for
+his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with your baths, I've got
+an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my hair. I expect I shall
+be far too busy in town for the next two days to have any time to waste on
+barbers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_to "land-lady"_). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN'
+WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?"
+
+"_Land-lady._" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS ALWAYS
+TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP HILLS, LIKE
+THE RAILWAY ENGINES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENERAL POST.
+
+Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the street.
+It was the six o'clock car--I noticed the usual evening crowd, and they
+were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual.
+
+The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening paper.
+He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The elderly
+relative--as I call her--was opposite to me. She had her small attache-case
+and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at a glance that my face
+bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat paterfamilias, the
+wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the crew who travel with
+dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban line.
+
+So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round.
+
+"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road."
+
+"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her ear.
+
+"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want."
+
+"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to have
+a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to write you
+all down, and it's time to begin."
+
+"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had ever
+heard of.
+
+"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman.
+
+"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly.
+
+The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed it
+would be St. Ives.
+
+The conductress made her way from one end to the other.
+
+"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd stick to
+English names. Are you all ready?"
+
+She rang the bell.
+
+"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is
+going from Paris to Pontresina."
+
+I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning slightly.
+Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry child again.
+I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a gasp into mine.
+
+"York to St. Ives!"
+
+It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was
+signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping beside
+me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me.
+
+"What an escape!" she said. "There, _he'_s caught--York, I mean. I don't
+know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each other's faces so
+well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that we have towns for
+names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always called you Cicero
+to myself. Oh, I hardly know why--you looked a little satirical sometimes.
+But now you're Pontresina, of course."
+
+"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!"
+
+"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be caught--he's
+so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do you know I never
+thought any of the people in this car _could_ laugh, or even smile. I do
+think this Society for the Abolition of Boredom in Public Conveyances is an
+excellent thing, don't you?"
+
+"Pontresina to St. Ives!"
+
+Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked, but she
+only laughed.
+
+"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This exercise
+keeps one so warm these cold days."
+
+The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the
+conductress shouted the names.
+
+"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those
+outside."
+
+That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game. There was
+a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase. Those without
+were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to get up.
+
+The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders.
+
+"Climb up the railing," she said.
+
+Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her upwards.
+We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat.
+
+Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white hair
+was ruffled.
+
+"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!"
+
+The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules. She
+cast herself down beside Macclesfield.
+
+"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply _jammed_ in the
+wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We never _can_ be serious
+with each other after this, can we?"
+
+St. Ives nodded.
+
+"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to
+think him so haughty; now--"
+
+"Albemarle Road--don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress was asking
+me. She spoke very loudly.
+
+"Pontresina--I'm Pontresina," I answered.
+
+"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny," she
+insisted.
+
+I rose in bewilderment.
+
+St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her and
+smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening--how could I ever
+forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to think I
+was mad. Macclesfield was reading his _Star_ just as if he had never hurled
+himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper was squinting at herself in
+a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously at me as I passed. Old
+York was half asleep. One would think they had never been rushing about in
+that frantic General Post. And we were all inside the car again.
+
+It _was_ odd!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD
+'OARDING, DIDN'T 'E?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO.
+
+(_Lines suggested by an old Magazine._)
+
+  Published the year I went to school--
+    The second of life's seven ages--
+  How fragrant of Victorian rule
+    Are these forgotten pages!
+  When meat and fruit were still uncanned;
+    When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing;
+  And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned
+    As rather too exciting.
+
+  No murmurs of impending strife
+    Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted;
+  Our novelists still looked on life
+    Through spectacles rose-tinted;
+  And Paris, in those giddy years,
+    Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER,
+  Blind to the doom of blood and tears,
+    With none to warn or guide her.
+
+  The index and the authors' names,
+    Their stories and their lucubrations,
+  Recall old literary aims
+    And faded reputations;
+  We wonder at the influence
+    That SALA'S florid periods had on
+  His fellows, and the vogue immense
+    Of versatile Miss BRADDON.
+
+  And yet I read _Aurora Floyd_
+    In youth with rapture quite unholy--
+  Not in the way that I enjoyed
+    Mince-pies or roly-poly;
+  While "G.A.S." appeared to me
+    Like a Leonid fresh from starland,
+  Not the young lion that we see
+    Portrayed in _Friendship's Garland_.
+
+  And there are tinklings of the lute
+    In orthodox decorous fashion,
+  But altogether destitute
+    Of "elemental" passion;
+  And illustrations which refrain
+    From all that verges on the shady,
+  But glorify the whiskered swain,
+    The lachrymose young lady.
+
+  The sirens of the "sixties" showed
+    No inkling of our modern Circes,
+  And swells had not evolved the code
+    That guides our precious Percys;
+  Woman, in short, was grave or gay,
+    But not a problem or a riddle,
+  And maidens still were taught to play
+    The harp and not the fiddle.
+
+  And writers in the main eschewed
+    All topics tending to disquiet,
+  All efforts to reorganize
+    Our dogmas or our diet;
+  You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN
+    Without creating quite a scandal,
+  And rag-time on the gramophone
+    Had not supplanted HANDEL.
+
+  Blameless and wholesome in their way,
+    At times agreeably subacid,
+  I love these records of a day
+    Long dead, but calm and placid;
+  And with a sigh I now replace
+    This ancient volume of _Belgravia_
+  And turn the "latest news" to face
+    _Mutans amaris suavia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Rector's Daughter._ "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO
+VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY
+MEDAL."
+
+_Mrs. Mullins_ (_not to be outdone_). "YES, MISS. AND _MY_ BOY COULD HAVE
+GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE RISK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SLUMP IN MARIONETTES.
+
+    "For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened
+    on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the
+    summoning of a Grand Judy."--_Lincolnshire Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I
+    was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion
+    threw me along the deck for some yards.'"--_Daily Paper._
+
+"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker--we _don't_ think.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL
+THEM TO SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES _IN_. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING
+COMPLETELY RUINED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume _A
+Diversity of Creatures_ (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word out of my
+mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for the confusion
+and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the extreme diversity of
+the tales herein which, while providing (as they say) something for all
+tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as a whole. In form it
+follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so much pleasure, of
+sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea of the tale that
+has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for many the most
+attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we get diversity
+indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost impossible for
+anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace, but I am bound to
+admit that there is at least one of the collection (which, pardon me, I do
+not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in that direction. Also there
+are two of which one can honestly say that no other pen could have written
+them with anything like such finished art--_The Village that Voted the
+Earth was Flat_, which one might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my
+mind the best thing in the volume) _My Son's Wife_, an exquisitely humorous
+and cunning study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this
+definition strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand.
+For the rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the
+rival schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of _Plain Tales_,
+or _Stalky_ or _Puck_, will each receive encouragement and support; while,
+if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler undisguisable, they too will
+not find themselves altogether neglected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of their
+own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling. What they,
+or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of _The Worn Doorstep_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its merits from the
+housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me, and not for them,
+to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed to admit that the
+book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the form of letters (never
+to be posted, since they are from a young wife to her soldier-husband,
+presumed to have been killed before the opening of the book). Miss MARGARET
+SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more popular some few years ago than
+with our present-day romanticists. The matter of her tale shows how the
+young wife in question found consolation in befriending others, especially
+in the love affairs of a Belgian refugee couple, to whom she opens her home
+and heart. A very pretty idea, developed with many dainty and amiable
+touches. Perhaps (I set down no dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical
+or impatient may find its sweetness something too drawn out. On the other
+hand, there are many "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom
+its appeal will prove entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to
+spread its merits in the right quarters there will be no need for the
+publishers to shout, either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as
+I suggested above) is as it should be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When we are introduced to _Margaret Grenfield_, the heroine of _Fetters on
+the Feet_ (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker cousins and spending
+most of her time in mending stockings. So many people make stockings who
+refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine there must be something
+peculiarly unattractive in this work of restoration, and it was a fortunate
+day for _Margaret_ when the pedantic young man of the house proposed to
+marry her. After this we discover that she has both a history and a will of
+her own. She leaves the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds
+eccentric if broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change
+of atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for
+_Margaret's_ peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer and
+followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy, grew
+dimmer and dimmer as _Margaret_, freeing herself of shackles, gradually
+began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a darning-
+needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day dawned. The
+whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which is her way of
+saying that _Margaret_ had found happiness. But all the same I fancy that
+introspection had become such a habit of this heroine that she is still
+likely to have days when the dawn is grey and no birds sing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the
+    deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane
+    propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess, who
+are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady;
+    lifting and light duties."--_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons nowadays
+prefer to look like flappers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade prospectus:--
+
+    "---- Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef."
+
+We have always been great believers in bovine modesty.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15121.txt or 15121.zip *****
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