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diff --git a/15064.txt b/15064.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5e07c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/15064.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1983 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +April 25, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 15, 2005 [EBook #15064] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +April 25th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +THE _Gazette des Ardennes_ states that German is becoming a more and more +"popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we understand, +are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns in German what +they have always thought of them in French. + + *** + +It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of +Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains +to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the +German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits +confirmation. + + *** + +The British offensive has been arrested, says the _Vossische Zeitung_. +Presumably for exceeding the speed limit. + + *** + +A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great +revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It +would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start. + + *** + +Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief attraction +appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who is being +accommodated in the Monkey House. + + *** + +A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one hundred +years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is generally +assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys. + + *** + +A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by a +white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed by +people who are not particularly good at repartee. + + *** + +Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a continuation +of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to retort that +without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is still more +precarious. + + *** + +"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that all +this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our part +we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice of +throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it. + + *** + +It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800 +persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department. +The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the simple +process of creating another new Department. + + *** + +[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER!] + + *** + +The _Journal_ in a recent message states that the British have ample +supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also incline +to this view. + + *** + +A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in 1893, +has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead Letter +Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked "Urgent." + + *** + +Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do his +best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper man +that he does not intend to return to Great Britain. + + *** + +Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are announcing +to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from the +sea-serpent this summer. + + *** + +April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several days +before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after the +War. + + *** + +The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was accompanied +by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of which it ran down +six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow could not have been +trying. + + *** + +_The Star_ is advocating the abolition of betting news in the daily papers, +and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to offer ten to one +that this good thing won't come off. + + *** + +As a protest against the Government's attitude towards _The Nation_ it is +rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy another hat. + + *** + +A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been +discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are +missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars. + + *** + +Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An enthusiast +who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering long odds that +bogey will be not less than two tons. + + *** + +An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a +Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, refuses +to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering from dry +cells. + + *** + +A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ claims that there are no railway stations +in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the artistic sense of a +Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly stunted. + + *** + +The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called weaker +sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, "For +she's a jolly good feller." + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT SACRIFICE. + + Dark lies the way before us, O my sweet! + Never again, until the final trumpet + Shall sound the Cease-fire, may our glances meet + Over the Sally Lunn or crisp brown crumpet; + Never again (the prospect makes my soul, + Unnerved by going beefless once a week, ache) + Shall you and I absorb the jammy roll + Nor yet the toasted tea-cake. + + Never for us shall any fancy bread-- + The food of vernal Love, and very tasty-- + On lip and cheek its subtle savour shed, + Blent with the lighter forms of Gallic pasty; + Never shall any bun, for you and me, + Impart to amorous talk a fresh momentum, + Except its saccharine ingredients be + Confined to ten per centum. + + The days of decorative art are done + That made the toothsome biscuit more enticing + (Even our wedding-cake when we are one + Will be denuded of its outer icing); + Yea, purest joy of all that we resign, + A ban is laid upon the luscious tartlet + By him who has for your sweet tooth and mine + No mercy in his heartlet. + + And yet, if England, in her night of need, + Debauched by pastry-cook and muffin-monger, + Would have us curb our natural gift of greed + And merely mitigate the pangs of hunger, + Let us renounce life's sweetness from to-day, + And turn, for Hobson's choice, to something higher; + "Good-bye, Criterion!" let us bravely say, + And "Farewell, Rumpelmeyer!" + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PROPER PROPORTION. + +(_An Interview with Mr. H.G. WELLS_). + +I found the Sage, as I had expected, in his study at Omniscience Lodge. +There he sat in his new suit of Britlings, surrounded by novels and stories +in MS. dealing with every aspect of human affairs, sixty of the more +important being specifically devoted to the War and the various ways in +which it might conceivably terminate. I modestly approached and presented +myself. + +"You have come," he said with a courteous gesture, "to discover my views on +the present conflict?" + +"Not exactly," I said. + +"Ah," he said; "which is it, then? You can take your choice, you know. All +you have to do is to select the subject," and he handed me a volume +resembling _Kelly's Directory_ in size and colour, and entitled +"_Classified Catalogue of Subjects on which Opinions can be furnished at +the Shortest Notice_." I turned the pages breathlessly until I came to +"Class V, Voter; sub-class P, Proportional Representation." "There," I +said, "is what I want," and I pointed the place out to him. + +"Dear me," he said, "you desire guidance on a very simple matter." + +"Well," I said, "I'm not so sure about that. It has rather flummoxed us in +our office. We can't make head or tail--" + +"You may thank your stars," he interrupted, "that you've come to the right +shop. I'll make it all as clear as daylight in two shakes of a pig's +whisker. Are you ready?" + +I said I was, and he began to pour forth at once. + +"Imagine," he said, "a constituency of 40,000 voters who elect four +representatives. Obviously anyone who gets 40,001 votes is elected. Well +then, there are ten candidates. All you have to do is to take the quotient +of _x_ divided by _y_, where _x_ can be raised to the _n_th power and _y_ +can be raised to the _n_th-1, and add to this the least common denominator +of the number of votes cast for the last three candidates, taking care to +eliminate in each case the square root of _z_, where _z_ equals the number +of voters belonging to the Church of England, _minus_ Archdeacons and Rural +Deans, but inclusive of Minor Canons and Precentors. Do you follow me?" + +"Ye-es," I said. + +"I thought you would," he said. "Next we proceed to take the multiples of +the superhydrates mathematically converted into decimals, and then, +allowing, of course, for the kilometric variation of the earth's maximum +temperature reduced by the square of the hypotenuse, you begin the delicate +operation of transferring votes from one candidate to another in packets of +not less than one hundred. That's easy, isn't it?" + +"Oh, yes," I said, "that's quite easy." + +"Very well then," he said. "You have now got two candidates elected, A. and +B. You take from them 653 votes, which do not legitimately belong to them, +and you mix them up with the surplus votes of the remaining eight +candidates. Unless C. is a congenital idiot, or a felon, or otherwise +incapacitated, he will then be found to have 4,129 votes, and he too will +be elected. For the last place you must proceed on a basis of geometrical +progression. There are still seven candidates, but four of these have no +earthly and must be withdrawn by a writ of _Ne exeat regno_, taking with +them the 2,573 votes which are properly or improperly theirs, and leaving +3,326 votes to be added to those already recorded for D., who, being thus +elected into the position of fourth letter of the alphabet, will be +returned as elected on the Temperance and Vegetarian ticket. So finally you +get your members duly elected without the blighting interference of the +Caucus and the party wire-pullers generally. You see that, of course?" + +"Yes," I said, "I suppose I see it." + +"Of course you do, and the others will see it too. And they'll realise that +the House of Commons will be a different place when the old system is +destroyed and every shade of opinion is represented. But what chiefly +appeals to me in it is its extraordinary simplicity and perspicuous ease. A +child could perform the duties of counter or returning officer, and any +voter, male or female, can master the system in about five minutes." + +I thanked Mr. WELLS for his courtesy and staggered dizzily back to Bouverie +Street. + + * * * * * + +On "How to Dig," from a recently-published military manual:-- + + "To dig well one must dig often. Any series of complex co-ordinated + movements can be performed with the greatest economy of effort only + when they have become semi-reflex; and for this to happen the + correlated series of nervous impulses must be linked up by higher + development of the brain cells." + +A spade is useful, too. + + * * * * * + + "I did not hear yesterday of the insufficiency of bread supplied at + Restaurants being made up by cakes and guns brought from home."--_Irish + Paper._ + +We have heard, however, of an insufficiency of alcoholic refreshment being +made up by a "pocket-pistol." + + * * * * * + + "After all, the custom of marrying only into Royal houses came to us + from Germany, and dates from the Hanoverians.... The case of Henry + VIII. is well known. Four of his wives were plain Englishwomen...."-- + _Sunday Herald._ + +Not so plain, however, as the German one, ANNE OF CLEVES. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CANNON-FODDER--AND AFTER. + +KAISER (_to 1917 Recruit_). "AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR KAISER WILL FIND A +USE FOR YOU--ALIVE OR DEAD." + +[At the enemy's "Establishment for the Utilisation of Corpses" the dead +bodies of German soldiers are treated chemically, the chief commercial +products being lubricant oils and pigs' food.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt._ "THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR. ALL OF US MUST GO WITHOUT +SOMETHING." + +_R.F.C. Officer._ "WELL, I TRY TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT, AUNT. BUT THIS +ZEPPELIN SHORTAGE HITS ME VERY HARD."] + + * * * * * + +THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. + +I. + +_Lewis Gun Officer._--... So let me repeat and impress upon you, men, that +the rifle is an effete weapon--extinct as the--what-you-call-it bird. It +played its part, a good part, in the South African War, but we who observed +what the machine gun did then and foretold its immense development [_he was +just nine years old at that time_] knew that the rifle would soon be in the +museums along with the bows and arrows. Pay attention, Private Jones. The +Lewis Gun, the weapon of opportunity, is a platoon in itself. _I_ don't +know what the Government want to worry about men for. The Germans don't +fill up their front trenches with a lot of soldiers to be killed with +shrapnel. No, a machine gun every twenty or thirty yards is quite enough to +hold any defensive line. So just bear these things in mind; and don't +forget what we have learnt to-day. All right. Nine o'clock to-morrow. + +II. + +_Physical Training Sergeant-Instructor._--Forward be--end. Ster--retch. +Be--end. Ster--retch. Feet together--place. 'Ands--down. Stan--zee. Squad +--'shun. Fingers straight, that man. Wotjer say? WOT? I can't 'elp wot the +drill-sergeant tells yer. When I sez "'Shun" I want fingers _straight +down_. On the command "Sitting--_down_" every man sits _down_ tailor- +fashion. Sitting--_down_. [_This is the position in which Swedish drill +squads hear words of wisdom._] Listen. An' look at me over there--not that +I likes the look of yer--'as to put up with that, but when I torks I wants +attention. Let me arsk yer this. Wot sort of men do we want in France? Why, +fit men. 'Ow do yer get fit? _I_ makes yer fit. 'Ow? Why, physical. Wot's +the good of a bloke in the trenches if he's sick parade every bloomin' day? +Arsk any of the serjents who is it wakes blokes up and makes 'em live men? +_Me._ In about six weeks you will be able to run ten miles before brekfast +in full marchin' order, carryin' 120 rounds, gettin' over six-foot walls +and jumpin' eight-foot ditches. Don't look _frightened_, Private West. I +'ave seen weedier and uglier-lookin' blokes than you do it when _I_'ve done +with 'em. One more thing.... + +III. + +_Musketry Officer._--... Therefore you see an infantry soldier has one +weapon and one only--the _rifle_. You fellows will be out at the Front +pretty soon. Now, if a man gets up the line, no matter how strong he is, +how well drilled, if he can't use his rifle he might just as well not be +there for all the good he is to his country. All the money that's been +spent on his trainin', food, clothin'--absolutely wasted; might as well +have been thrown into the sea. Why, the other day a party of our fellows +were heavin' bombs at about twenty Bosches--threw _hundreds_; couldn't +reach 'em. And _one_ sniper went out and killed the lot in two minutes. And +so ... + +IV. + +_Sergeant-Instructor of Bayonet-Fighting._--On guard. Long point. Withdraw. +On guard. Rest. Now, when I snap my fingers I want to see you come to the +high port and get roun' me _like lightning_. Some of you men seem to be +treatin' this bizness in a light-'earted way. We don't do _this_ work to +prevent you gettin' into mischief. Not much. Wotjer join the army for? To +fight. Right. I shows yer how to fight. 'Ow many Fritzes jer think I've +killed, by teachin' rookies the proper use of the baynit? This is _the +goods_. 'Ow are we goin' to win this bloomin' war? With the rifle? No. With +bombs? No. With machine guns? No. 'Ow then? By turnin' 'em out with the +baynit. Cold steel. That's it. An' I'll show yer where to pop it in, me +lads--three inches of it. That's all you want--three inches ... (_For sheer +bloodthirstiness there is no patter like that of the Bayonet Department._) + +V. + +_Bombing Officer._--Sit down. Smoke if you want to--and listen. My job is +to teach you fellers all about what has turned out to be of the highest +importance in this trench warfare, namely, bombs and grenades. This is a +trench war; has been for three years. The nature of the fighting may alter, +of course. We all hope it will. But we must think of _trenches_ at the +moment. Now, the German is a clever feller, and he soon saw that you'd +never kill off the enemy if you just sat down behind a parapet with a rifle +in your hand. So he started inventing and developing these things. But +we're catching him up. We've caught him up. Now, this is a Mills ... + +VI. + +_The Adjutant_ (_after two hours' extended order drill and attack +practice_).--Just sit down. Close in a bit. Light your pipes if you wish. +Let me tell you that the sort of work we've been doing this afternoon is +the _only_ way we're ever going to finish off the Hun--absolutely. You can +never win a war by squatting down in a hole and lookin' at the other +fellow. No, open fighting--that's what the new armies have got to learn. I +fear it's been badly neglected; but not in _this_ battalion. Now, with +regard to the screen of skirmishers, I want ... + +VII. + +_Drill Sergeant._--On 'er left, form--squad. For--erd, by the ri.' +Mark--time. For--erd. Wake up, Thomson; we don't want no blinkin' +_dreamers_ in the Army. Pick up the step there, Number Three, fron' rank. +'Ep, ri'; 'ep, ri'; 'ep, ri. Sker-wad--'alt. Stan' still. 'Alt means 'alt. +No movin' at all; just 'alt. Right--dress. Eyes--front. 'Swer. Eyes--front. +Stanat--'ipe. 'Swer. Stanat--'ipe. Stan' easy. Now listen to me, me lads. +The chiefest dooty of a soljer is O-bedience. Drill an' discipline is 'ow +you gets that. Stop chewin, 'Arris. You'll be losin' your name again, me +lad. Don't pay to lose your name twice--not in this regiment it don't. +You'll learn a deal of other stuff 'ere; but take it from me it's the +barrick-square work wot makes a soljer. Wot _is_ a soljer? Why, a _drilled_ +man. 'Ow jer think I 'ave turned some 'undreds of blankety militiamen into +the real thing? If a bloke can't stan' still on parade _I_ don't want to +hear about his doin's on the range or 'ow he can chuck a Mills. Sker-wad-- +'shun. Dis--miss. 'Swer. No call to go salootin' me, Private McKenzie. I +ain't an orficer--_yet_. Dis--miss. + +_Private Jones_ (_young and keen, and a trifle confused_).--Good 'evins, +Bill; they carn't _all_ be bloomin' well right, can they? + +_Lance-Corporal Smith._--No, boy. It's the 'appy mejium we gets wiv 'em +all, yer see. That's it--the happy mejium. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Officer._ "VISITING ROUNDS." + +_Sentry._ "ADVANCE ONE AND RECOGNISE YERSELF."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NOTE IN THEATRICAL ADVERTISING. + + (_The sort of thing we are now getting in the daily papers in place of + the antique boastings of expenditure and magnificence._) + + FRIVOLITY THEATRE. + +On Monday next, at 8 o'clock, will be +produced + + _THE BELLE OF BELLONA_, + + A NEW MUSICAL ECONOMANZA IN TWO ACTS. + + _Largely reduced Orchestra._ + + Cheap Jokes. Old Scenery. + + * * * * * + + _DUST OF BABYLON_ + + AT THE EMPEROR'S THEATRE. + + AN UNSPECTACULAR TALE OF THE EAST. + + Practically no Costumes. + +_Support the production that saves money on +wardrobe expenses._ + + * * * * * + +We understand that Miss Taka Topnote, the well-known revue artiste, is +bringing an action for defamation against the dramatic editor of _The +Morning Chatterbox_, who recently published a statement that her salary was +fifteen hundred a week. The lady informs us that as a matter of fact she is +now drawing thirty-five shillings, with half fees for matinees. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Buckram, the famous actor-manager, writes: "A great deal of nonsense +has been published about the so-called stupendous sums supposed to be +expended on my shows. How such stories get about I am at a loss to imagine. +Thus my present entertainment is reported to have cost me L25,000 before +the curtain rose. All I can say is that, were this the case, the curtain +would never have risen at all. To speak by the book (which anyone is at +full liberty to inspect) I find my total initial outlay to have been L43 +11s. 5d., inclusive of free drinks at the dress-rehearsal. All the +members of my cast are paid as little as possible, usually in postage- +stamps." + + * * * * * + +It is stated that the new problem play shortly to be produced at the +Vegeterion Theatre will be unique in the matter of economy. It will be +played throughout upon a bare stage, the scene represented being "A Theatre +during Rehearsal." The cast will be entirely composed of stage hands and +dramatic students; moreover, as both the dialogue and situations have been +gratuitously borrowed from other works of a similar character, there will +be no author's fees. The very gratifying result of these measures is that +the management is enabled to present to the public an entertainment that +has cost _nothing at all_. Patriotism could no further go. + + * * * * * + +"Meanwhile, the turnip trade is booming, and prices going higher: People +seem to be talking to them in place of potatoes."--_Newcastle Evening +Chronicle._ + +Yes, and their language is often very regrettable. + + * * * * * + +TO FRANCE. + + If so it be for every generous thought + Spring scents are sweeter yet. + For every task with high endeavour wrought + Earth's gems are fairer set-- + Primrose and violet; + + If for each noble dream in dormant seed + The life-spark stirs and glows; + If for the fame of each heroic deed + Some bloom the lovelier grows-- + White lily or red rose; + + Then, France, thou shouldst be lavish of thy flowers + For all our dead and thine, + And for all women's tears, or thine or ours, + Put forth some tender sign-- + Heartsease or eglantine. + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +THE JUDGMENT OF THE ASS. + +VII. + +It was in the year that the donkey was elected judge, because only he and +the mule came to vote and the mule spoiled his voting-paper. + +The weasel came before the court to make a serious complaint against the +rat. + +"Most learned judge," said the weasel, "the rat came to me for advice. +'Tell me,' he said, 'how I can obtain a delicious piece of cheese I have +seen.' I showed him how he could get it. He ate the cheese, and since then +he has not ceased to revile me." + +"Most unjust," said the judge. "What has the rat to say?" + +"The rat does not appear," said the mule, who was usher. + +"And why not?" asked the judge. + +"He is still in the trap," said the usher. + +"I showed him the way in," said the weasel proudly. + +"But not the way out," said the rat's prospective widow. + +"He only asked me how he could get the cheese, and I showed him," said the +weasel. + +"The weasel shall have the reward of virtue," said the judge. "As for the +rat I shall fine him for contempt of court in not appearing." + +"Justice!" cried the rat's prospective widow. "I demand my husband." + +"You shall have him," said the ass. "I order the weasel to show you the way +into the trap." + + * * * * * + +An Indian Circus handbill:-- + +"Programme of the Bengal Grand Cirkcus Co: +Performings begin P.P.M. + +PART I. + +1. Some horses will make very good tricks. + +2. The Klown will come and talk with the horses therefore audience will +laugh itself very much. + +3. The lady will walk on horses back when horses jumping very much. + +4. The Klown will make a joking word and lady will become too angry, then +Klown will run himself away. + +5. The boy he will throw a ball to upside and he will catch the ball in +downward journey. + +6. This is very jumping tricks. + +PART II. + +1. One man will make so tricks on trapees that audience will fraid himself +very much. + +2. Some dogs will play and role himself in the mud. + +3. This is the grand display of tricks. + +4. The lady will make himself so bend that everyone he will think that he +is rubber lady. + +5. The man will walk on wire tight. He is doing so nicely because he is +professor of that. + +6. Then will come grand dramatic. + +NOTICE. + +No stick will be allowed in the spectators and he shall not smoke also." + + * * * * * + +EXCELSIOR. + + "Our ascent to the sun makes our enemy envious."--_Koelnische Zeitung._ + + The night fell fast, but faster still + A youth came down the darkening hill, + A super-youth, whose super-flag + Flaunted the strange but hackneyed brag, + "Excelsior!" + + His eyes betrayed through gold-rimmed prism + Myopia and astigmatism; + But, head in air, he proudly strode, + Declaiming down the fatal road, + "Excelsior!" + + The sign-posts clustered left and right + And waved their arms towards the height; + He heeded not, but through the mist + Plunged steeply down and fiercely hissed, + "Excelsior!" + + "Put on the brake!" Experience said; + "The stars, my boy, are overhead; + The pit of Tophet's deep and wide." + A sudden snarl of hate replied, + "Excelsior!" + + "O stay," cried Sanity, "and cool + Thy fevered head in yonder pool!" + The balefire smouldered in his eye, + And still he muttered, hurtling by, + "Excelsior!" + + "Beware the awful precipice! + Beware the bottomless abyss!" + This was Discretion's last Good-night. + He gurgled, as he dropped from sight, + "Excelsior!" + + At day-break, when the punctual sun + Explored the hill-tops one by one, + And scoured the solitary steep, + An echo rose from out the deep, + "Excelsior!" + + And, from the deeper depths that lay + Beyond the farthest reach of day, + A thin voice wailed, and, mocking it, + Crackled the laughter of the pit, + "Excelsior!" + + * * * * * + +SOME JUMBO. + +"Jumbo, the giant elephant of the Stosch-Parasani Circus in Berlin, has +been killed for food, telegraphs the Amsterdam correspondent of The Daily +Express. He yielded fifty-five tons of flesh."--_Evening Paper (Glasgow)._ + +If this statement had not come from Amsterdam we should have found some +difficulty in believing it. + + * * * * * + +"At a meeting of the King George High School, Kasauli: 'Resolved, that the +school be closed for to-day to commemorate the recapture of Kut, for which +permission has been so kindly accorded by Pundit Hari Das Sahib, M.A.'"-- +_Indian Paper._ + +We are all, General MAUDE included, very much obliged to the Pundit. + + * * * * * + +A MISNOMER. + +Once upon a time, in the midst of the most detestable Spring ever known--a +Spring consisting entirely of hopes of better weather, raised for no other +purpose than to be so thwarted and dashed that the spirits of that brave +and much harassed creature, man, might sink still lower--once upon a time, +even in this Spring, there was a fine evening. It was more than fine, it +was tender, and, owing to a North wind, wonderfully luminous, and I walked +slowly along the hedges--which were still bare, although April was far +advanced--and listened to the blackbirds, and marvelled at the light that +made everything so beautiful, and was filled with gratitude to the late +WILLIAM WILLETT for re-arranging our foolish hours. + +I soon reached a favourite meadow, with a view of the hills and clumps of +gorse in it, and, since there were clumps of gorse, many, many of those +alluring little creatures which live in the ground and provide man with +numbers of benefits--such as sweet flesh to put into pies; and cheap, soft, +warm fur to wrap Baby Buntings in; and stubby tails, or scuts, to be used +in hot-houses for transferring pollen that peach-blossoms may be +fertilised, and (latterly) symbols for Government clerks who prefer +civilian clothes and comfort to khaki and warfare; and (in Wales) toasted +cheese. I refer to rabbits. + +As I stood motionless in this meadow watching the yellowing sky, I was +aware of an Homeric contest quite close to me. Two rabbits wore engaged in +a terrific battle. They kicked and they scratched and made the most furious +attacks on each other. The fur flew and the ground resounded to their +thuds. First one seemed to be winning and then the other, but there was no +flinching. + +I had heard of rabbits fighting, but I had never seen it before. "Very +unfair to have called them Cuthberts," I said to myself. + + * * * * * + + "The ---- Company have several second-hand cars for sale, starter and + non-starter models; petrol consumption low."--_The Autocar._ + +Particularly that of the non-starters. + + * * * * * + + "Good General: sold cheap if taken over this week; good reasons for + leaving."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +Can this be HINDENBURG? + + * * * * * + + "The Rev. Stuart Holden, on behalf of the Strength of Britain Movement, + spoke of the enthusiasm for prohibition of audiences throughout the + country."--_The Times._ + +We understand, however, that this enthusiasm for the prohibition of +audiences has not yet extended to the theatrical profession. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING DAYS WITH THE FOOD-PRODUCER'S STAFF.] + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD QUESTION. + +RATIONING AT THE ZOO. + +"In the Northern area," says a despatch from Mr. POCOCK, "a, period of +inactivity has set in which is partly due to the fact that the dromedary +has been placed on a vegetarian diet. There has been a cold snap in the +crocodile house. Three of our keepers have disappeared." + +An attempt to substitute salsify for bloaters in the dietary of the +sea-lion was not successful. + +Complaints have been received from the elephant-house to the effect that +buns sold for the benefit of the occupants have not reached their +destination. Should this abuse continue it will be necessary to make +arrangements to have every child under the age of twelve submitted to an +X-ray examination before leaving the Gardens. + +The use of human food for the nourishment of animals is, however, being +discouraged; and for the future guinea-pigs and broken glass will be the +staple diet of boa-constrictors and ostriches respectively. Peppermint- +balls for grizzly bears are to be discontinued; also egg-nogg for +anthropoid apes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Alice_ (_saying her prayers, after a quarrel with her +sister_). "AND, PLEASE GOD, BLESS BETTY." + +_Betty._ "DON'T YOU DARE TO PRAY FOR ME!"] + + * * * * * + +HINTS TO YOUNG FOOD-PRODUCERS. + +_Jugged Hare._--A well-known firm of hare-raisers in Carmelite Street +informs us that young rabbits fed on sponge-cake soaked in port wine have a +flavour which renders them indistinguishable from hare. + +_Celeriac._---This appetising vegetable has been little cultivated owing to +a general but erroneous belief that it was the name of a new kind of +motor-car. "Celeriac" is of course a compound of the word "celery" and the +Arabic suffix "ac," which means "bearing a resemblance to" or "a small +imitation of." Thus it would be correct for the writer to speak of the +salariac he earns by writing this sort of thing. + +[_Note._--"Earns" would _not_ be correct.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +NAVIGATION EXTRAORDINARY. + + "Although the stern and screws of the vessel were well out of the water + she was able to make the port under her own steam."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + + "Portatoes in the usual forms have disappeared this week.--LORNA."-- + _British Weekly._ + +These must be the Devonportatoes of which we have heard so much. + + * * * * * + +AT BEST. + + [Baron MORITZ FERDINAND VON BISSING, the German Military Governor- + General of Belgium, the murderer of Nurse CAVELL and instigator of the + infamous Belgian deportations, after being granted a rest from his + labours, is reported to have died "of overwork."] + + Tired of pillaging and sacking, + Tired of bludgeoning and whacking, + Tired of torturing and racking, + BISSING takes his "rest." + + For the sport of shooting nurses, + Gloating o'er his victims' hearses, + Answering appeals with curses, + He had lost his zest. + + All his diabolic striving + To intensify slave-driving + Could not slay the soul surviving + In a Nation's breast. + + Still the flame burns ever brighter + Underneath the blouse or mitre; + Still the smitten greets the smiter + With undaunted crest; + + While the arch-tormentor, flying + From the hell about him lying, + Mid the fire and worm undying + Takes his endless rest. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WANING OF FAITH. + +GUARDIAN OF STATUE. "YOU WISH TO HAMMER ANOTHER NAIL INTO THE COLOSSUS OF +OUR HINDENBURG?" + +EX-ENTHUSIAST. "NO; I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, April 17th._--The re-opening of the House of Commons found Lord +FISHER in his accustomed place over the clock. What is the lure that brings +him so often to the Peers' Gallery? I think it must be his strong sense of +duty. As Chairman of the Inventions Board he feels he ought to lose no +opportunity of adding to his stock. + +Quite the most striking feature of the afternoon was the pink shirt worn by +a well-known Scottish Member, whose name I refrain from mentioning to spare +him any additional blushes. It was of such an inflammatory hue that his +brother-legislators at first took it for a well-developed case of measles +(probably German) and sheered off accordingly. Nobody knows what caused him +to indulge in the rash act, but it is hoped in the interests of coherent +debate that he will not do it again. + +Mr. DILLON was so much disturbed by the apparition that, having started out +to demand an immediate General Election unless the Government at once +granted Home Rule to the whole of Ireland, he finished by declaring that he +would be satisfied if they would promise to reform the franchise on the +lines proposed by the SPEAKER'S Conference. Incidentally he drew a fancy +picture of himself and his colleagues striving consistently for thirty-five +years to convert their brother-Irishmen to constitutional methods; from +which I infer that Mr. DILLON, very wisely, does not make a study of his +own old speeches. + +[Illustration: PAPER SHORTAGE AT A GENERAL ELECTION. + +[The Political Slate (with Sponge) has its obvious compensations.]] + +As the engineer of two successive extensions of the life of Parliament Mr. +ASQUITH offered whole-souled support to the proposal to give a third +renewal to its lease. Apart from anything else, how could a General +Election be satisfactorily conducted when there was a shortage of paper and +posters were prohibited? "What's the matter with slates?" whispered a +Member from Wales. If every Candidate paraded his constituency sandwiched +between a couple of slates showing the details of his political programme, +it would certainly add to the gaiety of the nation, besides providing an +easy method of expunging such items as in the course of the contest might +prove unpopular. + +A good many silly things have been said in the last month or two about +HINDENBURG and his imaginary "line," but the silliest of all perhaps was +the remark of _The Nation_ that the German retreat on the Somme "has found +our soldiers wanting." This article naturally gave great comfort to the +enemy, who possibly overestimates the importance of Mr. MASSINGHAM and the +significance of the title of his paper. It also found its way to the +British trenches, and caused so great an increase in the habit +traditionally ascribed to the British Army when in Flanders that Sir +DOUGLAS HAIG is understood to have suggested that an embargo should be +placed upon the further export of such literature. + +What most strikes the imagination is that amid the most stirring events of +the greatest war in history British Legislators should devote three of +their precious hours to so trumpery an affair. Was this what the old jurist +had in mind when he called the House of Commons "The Great Inquest of the +Nation"? + +_Wednesday, April 18th._--On the motion introduced in both Houses to +express the welcome of Parliament to our new Ally, Mr. BONAR LAW, +paraphrasing CANNING, declared that the New World had stepped in to redress +the balance of the Old; Mr. ASQUITH, with a fellow-feeling no doubt, lauded +the patience which had enabled President WILSON to carry with him a united +nation; and Lord CURZON quoted BRET HARTE. + +A fresh injustice to Ireland was revealed at Question-time. England and +Scotland are to enjoy an educational campaign, in which hundreds of +speakers all over the country will dilate upon the necessity of reducing +the consumption and preventing the waste of foodstuffs. But like most other +patriotic schemes it is not to apply to John Bull's other island, though I +gather that it is at least as much wanted there as here. + +On the third reading of the Parliament Bill the debate was confined to +Irish Members. Mr. FIELD, who is in the live-stock trade, led one +particularly fine bull into the Parliamentary arena. After complaining that +Members had no longer any power in the House, he went on to say, "We are +simply ciphers behind the leading figures on the Front Bench." Surely that, +arithmetically speaking, is the position in which ciphers are most +powerful. + +_Thursday, April 19th._--The mental processes of Sir WILLIAM BYLES are +normally so mysterious that his suggestion that, with the Americans coming +in and the Germans making off, this was the psychological moment for the +British Government to initiate proposals for peace, did not strike the +House at large as specially absurd. It was, however, both surprised and +delighted when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL interposed with an inquiry whether it +would not be time enough to talk about peace when the Germans ceased to +blow up hospital ships. When Mr. BONAR LAW tactfully observed that the +Supplementary Question was better than the answer he had prepared, one felt +that the prospects of an Anglo-Irish _entente_ had appreciably improved. + +When the new MINISTER FOR EDUCATION deposited upon the Table a vast packet +of manuscript, and craved the indulgence of the House if he exceeded the +usual limits of a maiden speech, I thought of the days when the headline, +"The Duke of Devonshire on Technical Education," used to strike on my +fevered spirit with a touch of infinite prose. Mr. FISHER began in rather +professorial style, but he soon revealed a glowing enthusiasm for his +subject which thawed the House. His ambition is to transform the teachers +in our elementary schools from ill-paid drudges into members of a liberal +and liberally remunerated profession. Our record in the War has shown that, +as a Naval Officer wrote to him, "there is something in your d----d Board +School education after all." + + * * * * * + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, was attended by Miss ---- + as demonsoille d'honneur."--_Hawkes Bay Herald_ (_New Zealand_). + +We fear this marriage was not made in heaven. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Foreigner._ "IS ZAT YOUR BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH +THAMES--YES?" + +_London Dame_ ("_on her guard_"). "I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA."] + + * * * * * + +A PAPER PROBLEM. + +Copy of a letter from the Reverend Laurence Longwind to the Archbishop of +CANTERBURY:-- + + _The Rectory_, + _Little Pottering_, + _April 1st, 1917_. + +My LORD ARCHBISHOP,--I am writing to ask whether Your Grace would be so +kind as to assist me in resolving a case of conscience which, I feel sure, +must be exercising the minds and hearts of many of my brother clergy at the +present time. + +The matter to which I refer is closely connected with the sad shortage of +paper. It is no doubt known to Your Grace that many ministers of the +Gospel, though capable of eloquence of a high order, _write_ their sermons. +Old sermons tend to increase and multiply at an alarming rate. I myself +have a chest of drawers literally stuffed with them. What, in Your Grace's +opinion, should be done with these? + +Would it be right, in view of the purpose for which they were written, to +tear them up and send them away to be pulped? Long and earnestly as I have +considered the problem in all its bearings I am still utterly unable to +arrive at a solution. + +No doubt I could sell them and devote the proceeds to charitable purposes. +There is, I am informed, a large and steady demand for old sermons amongst +the younger clergy who have not that ripe experience of life which sixty +years in a rural parish cannot fail to provide. But I am informed that the +dealers do not always offer appropriate prices. And I should hesitate to +make a traffic in holy things unless I could make quite certain that no +breath of scandal could result from inadequate remuneration. + +I have sounded my churchwardens on the subject, but without reaping any +benefit from the advice given. "Do you see any harm in selling them simply +as paper?" I asked one of them, a Mr. Bloggs. "Not a rap! Not a rap! Get +rid of 'em!" was his reply. Naturally I felt hurt. It was not so much what +he said as the way he said it. The mere mention of my sermons always seems +to make him irritable. Why I cannot imagine. + +My dear wife advises me to send them down to the schoolhouse. The children, +she thinks, might use the backs (I write on one side of the paper only) for +their sums. But I fear such an expedient might give rise to a spirit of +irreverence. + +Would Your Grace hold me greatly to blame were I to raffle them at our next +rummage sale? I feel sure they would fetch a good price. Only yesterday +Miss Tabitha Gingham remarked to her sister, Miss Mary, "We had a good long +sermon from the Rector this morning." I was passing behind their laurel +hedge at the moment, and could not fail to overhear this meed of praise. +Miss Tabitha is, I should explain, very hard to please, and if _she_ thinks +them good there must be others in the parish of the same opinion. I might +be able to raise quite a nice sum for our local Seed Potato Committee by a +Spring raffle of my longer and more elaborate compositions. And since +everybody is beginning to take a modern view of Bonus Bonds I do not think +that a raffle for such a purpose need arouse serious opposition. + +Trusting that Your Grace will be able to give me your considered opinion in +this matter, which is arousing so much attention at the present time, + + I am, Your Grace's humble and obedient Servant, + LAURENCE LONGWIND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Resident at Boarding House_ (_to waiter_). "DO YOU CALL +THIS STUFF MARGARINE OR MARJARINE?" + +_Mike._ "SURE, SORR, IT'S HERSELF WOULD SLING ME OUT IF I CALLED IT +ANNYTHING BUT BUTTHER."] + + * * * * * + +FORE AND AFT. + + The A.S.C.'s a nobleman; 'e rides a motor-car, + 'E is not forced to 'ump a pack, as we footsloggers are; + 'E drives 'is lorry through the towns and 'alts for fags and beer; + We infantry, we does without, there ain't no shops up 'ere; + And then for splashin' us with mud 'e draws six bob a day, + For the further away from the line you go the 'igher your rate of pay. + + My shirt is rather chatty and my socks 'ud make you larf; + It's just a week o' Sundays since they sent us for a barf; + But them that 'as the cushy jobs they lives in style and state, + With a basin in their bedrooms and their dinners on a plate; + For 'tis a law o' nachur with the bloomin' infantry-- + The nearer up to the line you go the dirtier will you be. + + Blokes at the base, they gets their leave when they've bin out three + munse; + I 'aven't seen my wife and kids for more 'n a year, not once; + The missus writes, "About that pass, you'd better ask again; + I think you must 'ave been forgot." Old girl, the reason's plain: + We are the bloomin' infantry, and you must just believe + That the nearer up to the line you go the less is your chance of leave. + + * * * * * + + "We cussed at Grosvenor House and some steps in this direction may be + expected if the demands of retailers become more rapacious."--_Daily + Mail._ + +It is no good abusing the FOOD CONTROLLER, however, or prices would long +ago have been down to zero. + + * * * * * + +MAB DREAMS OF MAY. + + The day-dim torches of chestnut trees stand dreamily, dreamily; + In myriad jewels of glad young green, smooth black are the broad beech + boles; + The fragrant foam of the cherry trees hangs creamily, creamily, + And the purpling lilacs and the blackthorn brakes are singing with all + their souls! + + The pinky petals of lady's-smocks peer maidenly, maidenly; + Meadow-sweet, donning her fragrant lace, is daintiest friend of the + breeze; + Hyacinths wild, blue-misting the woods, hang ladenly, ladenly, + And tiniest bird's-eye burns deep blue in thickets of tall grass trees! + + Daylong I lie, daylong I dream, swung swooningly, swooningly, + In an old-time tulip of flaming gold, red-flaunted and streaked with + green, + While song of the birds, of water and bees comes crooningly, crooningly, + And Summer brings me her swift mad months with scent and colour and + sheen. + Winter is gone, I ween, + As it had never been! + + _Dance! dance! Delicately dance!_ + _Revel with the delicatest stamp and go!_ + _Dance! dance! Circle and advance,_ + _Curtsey, twirl about,_ + _Shatter the dew and whirl about,_ + _Stamp upon the moonbeams--heel and toe!_ + + * * * * * + +MORE NEWS FROM THE AIR. + +THE ALLIES. + +The other day I was in a country house whose owners are so lost to shame as +still to keep pets. There is a dog there which is actually allowed to eat, +in defiance of all those _Times'_ correspondents whose sole idea of this +stimulating and unfailingly devoted animal is that it is personified greed +on four legs. There are two or three horses of unusual intelligence, which +no doubt our friend the Hun would long since have devoured, but which, even +though hunting is over, are by some odd freak of sentiment or even of +loyalty still kept alive. There are rabbits. And there is a bird in a cage +against the wall of a small yard. This bird is a chaffinch, which a friend +had brought over from France. + +After I had fraternised shamefully with all these deplorable drones, my +hostess drew my attention to the French chaffinch, a line big fellow, very +tame and cheerful. "We will feed him," she said, "and then you will see +something that happens every day. Something very interesting." + +So saying she poured into a receptacle for the purpose enough seed, no +doubt, to make, mixed with other things, several admirable thimble-loaves +of bread substitute, and told me to watch. + +I watched, and very soon the French chaffinch, having eaten a certain +amount of the seed, dashed his beak amid the rest with such violence that +it was spilt over the pan, out of the bars and down to the ground below. + +"That's very wasteful," I said. "Lord DEVONPORT wouldn't like that--Lord +DEVONPORT wouldn't;" this being the kind of facetious thing we are all +saying just now, and something facetious being in this particular house +always, for some reason or other, expected of me. + +"Wait a minute," my hostess replied. "There's more reason in it than you +think." + +And there was. + +The whole point of this mediocre narrative consists in the fact that within +a few seconds some dozen sparrows had descended to the yard and were +feeding busily while the chaffinch watched from above. And this happens at +every mealtime. + +To what extent we are contributing to the French Commissariat I cannot say; +but with my own eyes I have seen a French citizen being systematically +generous to his English cousins. + + * * * * * + + "The sale [of potatoes] started at 6 a.m., and the first omnibus from + London brought over 200 buyers down."--_Weekly Dispatch._ + +A gross case of overcrowding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Civilian _(_who has been asked to luncheon at outlying +fort_). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LAND BY THAT ABSURD LITTLE +LADDER." + +_Host._ "ROT, OLD CHAP. I'VE HAD THE VERY DICKENS OF A JOB TO GET YOU A +PASS--AND, BESIDES, PEOPLE DON'T OFTEN FALL IN."] + + * * * * * + +DOUBLE ENTENTE. + + ["In view of the fact that M.C. is also the abbreviation for 'Military + Cross' ... it has been recommended that the abbreviations for the + degrees of Bachelor of Surgery and Master of Surgery be altered from + B.C. and M.C. to B.Ch. and M.Ch."] + +In view of the fact that P.M. is also the abbreviation for Prime Minister +and Post-Mortem, the London and North-Western Railway recommend that in +future the abbreviation for afternoon be A.L. (After Luncheon). + +In view of the fact that (as every schoolboy knows) D.D. is also the +abbreviation for Double Donkey, the Upper House of Convocation recommend +that in future the abbreviation for Doctor of Divinity be Doc. Div. + +In view of the fact that Q.S. is also the abbreviation for Quarter +Sessions, the Committee of the Pharmaceutical Society recommend that in +future the abbreviation for Quantum Suff. be S.W. (Say When). + + * * * * * + + "Herbert Spencer made a rough outline of his 'Sympathetic Philosophy' + when forty years old."--_Weekly Paper._ + +Alas! he never lived to fill in the details. + + * * * * * + +A PERSONAL TRIUMPH. + +Always at the same point of my railway journey North I drop my paper and +wait till a certain trim red-roofed ivy-clad cottage comes into view across +the fields to the right. Till yesterday there were two reasons why I should +hail this cottage with delight. First of all, it stands where trim cottages +are rarer than pit-heads and slag heaps; and, secondly, GEORGE STEPHENSON +once lived there. From now onwards, however, I have a third and more +compelling reason for respecting the old building. You shall hear. + +Know, then, that I have a friend called Smithson. The Athenians would have +had a short way with him; and I admit that there have been times in the +course of our relationship when hemlock would really have been the only +thing to meet the case. Our conversations (it is no fault of mine) are +always dialectical. They take the following form. Light-heartedly I +enunciate a proposition. Smithson is interested and asks for a clearer +statement. I modify my original position. Smithson purrs. Seeing trouble +imminent, I modify my modification, and from that point onwards I make a +foredoomed but not (as I flatter myself) an unplucky fight against +relentless logic. The elenchus comes soon or late, but it always comes. +Only in dreams am I ever one up on Smithson. The old trick of cramming up +hard parts of the Encyclopaedia overnight is no good. I tried it once with +"Hegesippus" and "The Hegira." You don't know what either of these words +mean? Smithson did--and he knew the articles. No doubt he and Mr. GLADSTONE +had written them in collaboration. + +Well, yesterday, Smithson and I were in the neighbourhood of the cottage +which I have told you of. Having an hour to spare from work of national +importance, we took our sandwiches and were eating them in view of the +jolly old house. + +"What's that thing over the door?" I said. + +"That I take to be a sun-dial," said Smithson with his accustomed reserve +of strength. + +"What a delightful stile," I said. (You always have stiles on sun-dials. I +knew that). + +"_Qua_ stile it is perfect. What do you make of the inscription?" + +I went at it bald-headed. "_Percunt et imputantur_," I said. + +"You may be right, of course," replied Smithson, "though it certainly +begins with an A." + +"True," I corrected. "_Anno Domini_." + +"Conceivably--but the second letter is a U." + +I left Smithson painfully to reconstruct A-U-G-U-S-T from among the ivy. He +had got to the M of a long date when a burst of sun cast a crisp shadow +across the dial. + +"I don't think much of GEORGE STEPHENSON after all," I said. "His beastly +clock doesn't know the right time." + +Smithson snorted. Here was a challenge to the omniscient. + +"That's all right," he said, recovering himself in a moment "All properly +constructed dials have a compensating table; we shall find one no doubt +behind the ivy; there! I see it, to the left--a compensating table by which +you have to correct the actual record of the shadow. For example, we are +now in Lat. 55 N. The month is April. At Greenwich--" + +But I wasn't listening. A bright truth had flashed into my mind, and I +couldn't hold myself back any longer. "It's just about an hour slow," I +said. "You don't think that Daylight Saving has anything to do with it, do +you?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Busdriver._--"ALL RIGHT--ALL RIGHT! I SEE YER, YER NEEDN'T +KEEP ON SURRENDERING."] + + * * * * * + +"About twenty-four hours later one of the ship's officers saw something +bobbing on the water a few hundred years dead ahead."--_New York Evening +Post._ + +America evidently foresees a long war. + + * * * * * + +THE STRIFE OF TONGUES. + +(_Lines suggested by the recent demise of the inventor of Esperanto._) + + As a patriotic Briton + I am naturally smitten + With disgust + When some universal lingo + By a zealous anti-Jingo + Is discussed. + + Some there are who hold that Spanish + In the end is bound to banish + Other tongues; + Some again regard Slavonic + As a stimulating tonic + For the lungs. + + I would sooner bank on Tuscan, + Ay, or even on Etruscan, + Than on Erse; + But fanatical campaigners, + Gaelic Leaguers and Sinn Feiners + Find it terse. + + Some are moved to have a shy at + Persian, thanks to the _Rubaiyat_, + And its ease; + But it's quite another matter + If you're anxious for to chatter + In Chinese. + + To instruct a brainy brat in + Canine or colloquial Latin + _May_ be wise; + But it's not an education + As a fruitful speculation + I'd advise. + + French? All elegance equips it, + But how oft on foreign lips it + Runs awry; + German, tainted, execrated, + Is for ages relegated + To the sty. + + As for brand-new tongues invented + By professors discontented + With the old, + Well, the prospect of a "panto" + Played and sung in Esperanto + Leaves me cold. + + * * * * * + + "One of the most striking--and satisfactory--features of the new + restaurant regime is the disappearance of the bread-basket."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + +Or, at any rate, a considerable shrinkage in its contour. + + * * * * * + + "If there must be duplication of electric light installations, the + apparati might, at least, be made uniform. And it would not be + expecting too much if they were made in some way to harmonise with the + telephone service."--_Australian Paper._ + +Or even with the Latin Grammar? + + * * * * * + + "5-Seater Car for Sale; must sell; chauffeur at the Front; own body + cost over L73. What offers?--RECTOR."--_Times._ + +These personal details seem to us a little out of place in a commercial +transaction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _John._ "BUT WHY MUSTN'T WE HAVE NEW BREAD ANY MORE?" + +_Joan._ "WHY, DON'T YOU SEE, SILLY? IF WE EAT YESTERDAY'S AND SAVE UP +TO-DAY'S THERE'LL ALWAYS BE SOME FOR TO-MORROW. THEN THE GERMANS CAN'T +STARVE US."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_ By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In these days, when everybody has his reminiscences, there should still be +a welcome for so genial a volume as _A Soldier's Memories_ (JENKINS), into +which Major-General Sir GEORGE YOUNGHUSBAND has gathered his "Recollections +of People, Places and Things." The title truly indicates the character of +the contents, which are exactly what you would expect from a plain blunt +man, who loves his friends, and equally loves a good story about them, at +his own or their expense, impartially. The anecdotes in the book are +legion, and the actors in them range from troopers to generals, and beyond. +KING EDWARD, their present Majesties, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ("a nice-looking +clean little boy in an Eton jacket and collar") all figure in the author's +pictures of the past, which include also a highly characteristic study of +WILLIAM THE FRIGHTFUL, congratulating the "citizens of Salisbury," +represented by a handful of curious urchins, upon their "beautiful and +ancient cathedral." (One can fancy the unspoken addition in the Imperial +mind, "And what a target for Bertha!") Many of Sir GEORGE'S pages are +devoted to stories of the Boer campaign, that old unhappy far-off thing +that seems somehow, as one looks back to-day, further off than Waterloo. In +fine, a book that all Service folk, and many besides them, will find a +treasure-house of good stories, of exactly the kind that should be certain +of their appeal now, when we are all, or like to think ourselves, soldiers +in the greatest of England's wars, and inheritors of the traditions here +shown in the making. + + * * * * * + +A short hour's reading and you will have laid down, with a sigh for its +brevity, a little book that is a very model of artistry. It is by Mr. E.V. +LUCAS, and _Outposts of Mercy_ is its happy name. But I am not to seek +reflected glory by the praising of a colleague; simply for the sake of the +cause that he pleads I wish to commend this fascinating account of the +author's visit, in the company of Lord MONSON, Chief Commissioner, to the +stations of the British Red Cross on the Carso, at Gorizia and among the +Carnic and Julian Alps. Resisting sternly the temptation to embroider his +theme with the distractions of scene and circumstance (of course he had to +tell us of that dinner at the mess of an Alpine regiment where he met the +man who had discovered the "Venus of Cyrene"), he keeps as closely as may +be to his main subject, but cannot escape from infusing it with his own +sense of colour and romance and the unconscious appeal of his personality. +One may envy him his rare experience, yet fully share his pride in the +fearless devotion of the men and women of our race (one can imagine it of +no other) in these perilous and lonely outposts of mercy. A little paper +book, illustrated with little photographs, and costing just a shilling. The +author and his publishers (METHUEN) are devoting the profits to the British +Red Cross; so you who buy and read it--and I don't see how anybody can +refuse--may extract a claim to virtue from an hour of pure delight. + + * * * * * + +A quiet style, keen powers of observation, and a delightful assumption of +his own unimportance combine to make Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S _With the New +Army on the Somme_ (MURRAY) a book that will be read long after the Hun has +returned to the place from which he came. "Those whose business it was to +observe, the six correspondents ... went and came always with a sense of +incapacity and sometimes with a feeling that writing was a worthless +business when others were fighting." There we have his apology for doing +what obviously seemed to him a second-best thing; but much as I like his +modesty I can assure him that no finer tribute has yet been paid to our new +army. Mr. PALMER was the accredited American correspondent at the British +Front, and though the days are happily passed when he was a neutral in name +his position as an impartial spectator gives him an advantage denied to the +most veracious of our own correspondents. Our French Allies too may be +congratulated, by themselves as well as by us, on being observed by eyes so +shrewd and friendly. "No two French soldiers seem quite alike on the march +or when moving about a village on leave. Each seems three beings--one a +Frenchman, one a soldier, a third himself." Anyone who has been in the +war-zone and seen a French regiment resting cannot fail to be struck by the +acuteness of this remark; indeed it provides the key to what, for an +ordinary British mind, is a puzzle. It is one of Mr. PALMER'S many virtues +that, although his main business was to watch the soldiers and the +fighting, he never forgets the man inside the uniform. This gives to his +historical record the added interest of a study in psychology. + + * * * * * + +_The Unspeakable Perk_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and his attendant puppets +are, to put it kindly, selected from the stock characters of Lesser +American Fiction. There is the "radiant" heroine from Squeedunkville, Wis. +(or Mass.); the tame Poppa with the simoleons, the hero heavily disguised +as a worm, and a worm or so to do the real heavy worming when the hero's +turn comes to pull off the grand-stand play (this doesn't sound like +English but it is really the standard "line of talk" in Lesser American +Fiction). And last but not least there is the "fiery" Southerner. In real +life Southerners are melancholy men with a tendency to _embonpoint_ and +clawhammer coats of ante-bellum design. But in Lesser American Fiction they +are for some undiscovered reason always "fiery." To the fiery one the +heroine "unconsciously turns" when the apparent earmarks of the hero's +wormhood are dramatically revealed, and of course she hands him what she +would probably describe as the "sister" stuff when the gentleman emerges in +his natural colours. That is what makes the story-book Southerner so fiery. +Place these complex characters in an imaginary Carribean Republic, a sort +of transpontine Ruritania; add a revolution fostered by the serpentine +diplomats of a European power; let the American eagle issue a few screams, +and there you have the environment in which _The Unspeakable Perk_ lives +and moves and has his unreal being. The keynote of SAMUEL HOPKINS ADAMS' +story is what the _Perk_ person would describe as a want of "pep." Even the +villains turn out to be comparative gentlemen in the end, the dirty work +being conveniently fastened upon some "person or persons unknown." The yarn +is well enough to wile away an hour; but in these days of burning realities +fiction has lost its bite unless it too is informed with the spirit of +reality. + + * * * * * + +I have to warn you that the early chapters of _The_ _Moulding Loft_ +(METHUEN) are liable to plunge you into some mental agitation, due to the +author's deliberately baffling method of starting her plot. The hero, for +example, is introduced to us abed, and semi-delirious, waited upon by a +pale and sinister young female whom he detests. He appears to be in a house +strange to him, which contains also an unpleasant old woman and a queer +little boy whose behaviour is wrop in mystery. Slowly, perhaps somewhat too +slowly, it is revealed that the hero has been knocked silly by a large +stone dropped upon his unoffending head by the small boy. But why? And why +does the child protest his innocence with such apparent good faith? These +problems I must leave MARGARET WESTRUP (Mrs. W. STACEY) to resolve in her +own unhurried way. Of course before long the "little aversion" between hero +and heroine gives place to an emotion more appropriate. But there remains +an obstacle to their union, one concerned (also, of course) with the +detestable grandmother and the mysterious small boy. Shall I give you one +clue? Somebody is mad; nor is it (as you may at one time have been tempted +to suppose) either the author or reader. More than this wild horses should +not extort from me. But I confess to a rewarding thrill and a very grateful +relief when the mystery was finally cleared up. A good and interesting +book, both for its plot and for some very agreeable Cornish scenes, which +would have been even more welcome had the delectable Duchy not already +engaged the pens of our novelists more than enough. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. "J.E. BUCKROSE" is one of those writers whose work can always be +depended upon. A pinch of pathos, a _soupcon_ of sentiment, a spice of +humour--there you have the recipe, and a very palatable mixture it makes. +The common element that pervades the dozen stories which compose _War-Time +in Our Street_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), all in the author's best manner, is +the staunch devotion to duty displayed by her heroines under stress of war. +Pangs of hunger are endured nobly, hard-hearted folk are softened, lonely +women fight and win the battle against depression. If these pictures of +life behind the windows of our village streets are too _couleur de +BUCKROSE_ to be quite true, there is nevertheless a real quality in them. +They are not for the cynic, but for readers who can appreciate simple tales +of simple people, told without affectation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Airman._ "I SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CIGARETTE-HOLDER +ANYWHERE ABOUT? I DROPPED MINE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS FLYING OVER THIS +PLACE."] + + * * * * * + + "To shoot well at fixed targets, after the range has been exactly + registered, as in trench warfare, is one thing, but front and pick up + distances smarly, is quite to trot into action, unlimber and form + action another, and this is where many phophets anticipated our new + Army would be found wanting, but prophecy is becoming a profitless + business in this war."--_Bath Herald._ + +Well, why not try proof-reading as a change? + + * * * * * + + "The Rector nominated Mr. C. Yells as his warden. Captain Noyes was + appointed sidesman."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Otherwise the proceedings seem to have gone off quietly. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, April 25, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15064.txt or 15064.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/0/6/15064/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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