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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+April 25, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 15, 2005 [EBook #15064]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+April 25th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+THE _Gazette des Ardennes_ states that German is becoming a more and more
+"popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we understand,
+are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns in German what
+they have always thought of them in French.
+
+       ***
+
+It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of
+Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains
+to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the
+German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits
+confirmation.
+
+       ***
+
+The British offensive has been arrested, says the _Vossische Zeitung_.
+Presumably for exceeding the speed limit.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great
+revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It
+would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start.
+
+       ***
+
+Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief attraction
+appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who is being
+accommodated in the Monkey House.
+
+       ***
+
+A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one hundred
+years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is generally
+assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by a
+white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed by
+people who are not particularly good at repartee.
+
+       ***
+
+Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a continuation
+of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to retort that
+without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is still more
+precarious.
+
+       ***
+
+"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that all
+this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our part
+we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice of
+throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800
+persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department.
+The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the simple
+process of creating another new Department.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER!]
+
+       ***
+
+The _Journal_ in a recent message states that the British have ample
+supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also incline
+to this view.
+
+       ***
+
+A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in 1893,
+has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead Letter
+Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked "Urgent."
+
+       ***
+
+Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do his
+best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper man
+that he does not intend to return to Great Britain.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are announcing
+to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from the
+sea-serpent this summer.
+
+       ***
+
+April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several days
+before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after the
+War.
+
+       ***
+
+The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was accompanied
+by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of which it ran down
+six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow could not have been
+trying.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Star_ is advocating the abolition of betting news in the daily papers,
+and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to offer ten to one
+that this good thing won't come off.
+
+       ***
+
+As a protest against the Government's attitude towards _The Nation_ it is
+rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy another hat.
+
+       ***
+
+A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been
+discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are
+missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars.
+
+       ***
+
+Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An enthusiast
+who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering long odds that
+bogey will be not less than two tons.
+
+       ***
+
+An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a
+Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, refuses
+to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering from dry
+cells.
+
+       ***
+
+A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ claims that there are no railway stations
+in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the artistic sense of a
+Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly stunted.
+
+       ***
+
+The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called weaker
+sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, "For
+she's a jolly good feller."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT SACRIFICE.
+
+  Dark lies the way before us, O my sweet!
+    Never again, until the final trumpet
+  Shall sound the Cease-fire, may our glances meet
+    Over the Sally Lunn or crisp brown crumpet;
+  Never again (the prospect makes my soul,
+    Unnerved by going beefless once a week, ache)
+  Shall you and I absorb the jammy roll
+      Nor yet the toasted tea-cake.
+
+  Never for us shall any fancy bread--
+    The food of vernal Love, and very tasty--
+  On lip and cheek its subtle savour shed,
+    Blent with the lighter forms of Gallic pasty;
+  Never shall any bun, for you and me,
+    Impart to amorous talk a fresh momentum,
+  Except its saccharine ingredients be
+      Confined to ten per centum.
+
+  The days of decorative art are done
+    That made the toothsome biscuit more enticing
+  (Even our wedding-cake when we are one
+    Will be denuded of its outer icing);
+  Yea, purest joy of all that we resign,
+    A ban is laid upon the luscious tartlet
+  By him who has for your sweet tooth and mine
+      No mercy in his heartlet.
+
+  And yet, if England, in her night of need,
+    Debauched by pastry-cook and muffin-monger,
+  Would have us curb our natural gift of greed
+    And merely mitigate the pangs of hunger,
+  Let us renounce life's sweetness from to-day,
+    And turn, for Hobson's choice, to something higher;
+  "Good-bye, Criterion!" let us bravely say,
+      And "Farewell, Rumpelmeyer!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROPER PROPORTION.
+
+(_An Interview with Mr. H.G. WELLS_).
+
+I found the Sage, as I had expected, in his study at Omniscience Lodge.
+There he sat in his new suit of Britlings, surrounded by novels and stories
+in MS. dealing with every aspect of human affairs, sixty of the more
+important being specifically devoted to the War and the various ways in
+which it might conceivably terminate. I modestly approached and presented
+myself.
+
+"You have come," he said with a courteous gesture, "to discover my views on
+the present conflict?"
+
+"Not exactly," I said.
+
+"Ah," he said; "which is it, then? You can take your choice, you know. All
+you have to do is to select the subject," and he handed me a volume
+resembling _Kelly's Directory_ in size and colour, and entitled
+"_Classified Catalogue of Subjects on which Opinions can be furnished at
+the Shortest Notice_." I turned the pages breathlessly until I came to
+"Class V, Voter; sub-class P, Proportional Representation." "There," I
+said, "is what I want," and I pointed the place out to him.
+
+"Dear me," he said, "you desire guidance on a very simple matter."
+
+"Well," I said, "I'm not so sure about that. It has rather flummoxed us in
+our office. We can't make head or tail--"
+
+"You may thank your stars," he interrupted, "that you've come to the right
+shop. I'll make it all as clear as daylight in two shakes of a pig's
+whisker. Are you ready?"
+
+I said I was, and he began to pour forth at once.
+
+"Imagine," he said, "a constituency of 40,000 voters who elect four
+representatives. Obviously anyone who gets 40,001 votes is elected. Well
+then, there are ten candidates. All you have to do is to take the quotient
+of _x_ divided by _y_, where _x_ can be raised to the _n_th power and _y_
+can be raised to the _n_th-1, and add to this the least common denominator
+of the number of votes cast for the last three candidates, taking care to
+eliminate in each case the square root of _z_, where _z_ equals the number
+of voters belonging to the Church of England, _minus_ Archdeacons and Rural
+Deans, but inclusive of Minor Canons and Precentors. Do you follow me?"
+
+"Ye-es," I said.
+
+"I thought you would," he said. "Next we proceed to take the multiples of
+the superhydrates mathematically converted into decimals, and then,
+allowing, of course, for the kilometric variation of the earth's maximum
+temperature reduced by the square of the hypotenuse, you begin the delicate
+operation of transferring votes from one candidate to another in packets of
+not less than one hundred. That's easy, isn't it?"
+
+"Oh, yes," I said, "that's quite easy."
+
+"Very well then," he said. "You have now got two candidates elected, A. and
+B. You take from them 653 votes, which do not legitimately belong to them,
+and you mix them up with the surplus votes of the remaining eight
+candidates. Unless C. is a congenital idiot, or a felon, or otherwise
+incapacitated, he will then be found to have 4,129 votes, and he too will
+be elected. For the last place you must proceed on a basis of geometrical
+progression. There are still seven candidates, but four of these have no
+earthly and must be withdrawn by a writ of _Ne exeat regno_, taking with
+them the 2,573 votes which are properly or improperly theirs, and leaving
+3,326 votes to be added to those already recorded for D., who, being thus
+elected into the position of fourth letter of the alphabet, will be
+returned as elected on the Temperance and Vegetarian ticket. So finally you
+get your members duly elected without the blighting interference of the
+Caucus and the party wire-pullers generally. You see that, of course?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I suppose I see it."
+
+"Of course you do, and the others will see it too. And they'll realise that
+the House of Commons will be a different place when the old system is
+destroyed and every shade of opinion is represented. But what chiefly
+appeals to me in it is its extraordinary simplicity and perspicuous ease. A
+child could perform the duties of counter or returning officer, and any
+voter, male or female, can master the system in about five minutes."
+
+I thanked Mr. WELLS for his courtesy and staggered dizzily back to Bouverie
+Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On "How to Dig," from a recently-published military manual:--
+
+    "To dig well one must dig often. Any series of complex co-ordinated
+    movements can be performed with the greatest economy of effort only
+    when they have become semi-reflex; and for this to happen the
+    correlated series of nervous impulses must be linked up by higher
+    development of the brain cells."
+
+A spade is useful, too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I did not hear yesterday of the insufficiency of bread supplied at
+    Restaurants being made up by cakes and guns brought from home."--_Irish
+    Paper._
+
+We have heard, however, of an insufficiency of alcoholic refreshment being
+made up by a "pocket-pistol."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After all, the custom of marrying only into Royal houses came to us
+    from Germany, and dates from the Hanoverians.... The case of Henry
+    VIII. is well known. Four of his wives were plain Englishwomen...."--
+    _Sunday Herald._
+
+Not so plain, however, as the German one, ANNE OF CLEVES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CANNON-FODDER--AND AFTER.
+
+KAISER (_to 1917 Recruit_). "AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR KAISER WILL FIND A
+USE FOR YOU--ALIVE OR DEAD."
+
+[At the enemy's "Establishment for the Utilisation of Corpses" the dead
+bodies of German soldiers are treated chemically, the chief commercial
+products being lubricant oils and pigs' food.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunt._ "THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR. ALL OF US MUST GO WITHOUT
+SOMETHING."
+
+_R.F.C. Officer._ "WELL, I TRY TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT, AUNT. BUT THIS
+ZEPPELIN SHORTAGE HITS ME VERY HARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
+
+I.
+
+_Lewis Gun Officer._--... So let me repeat and impress upon you, men, that
+the rifle is an effete weapon--extinct as the--what-you-call-it bird. It
+played its part, a good part, in the South African War, but we who observed
+what the machine gun did then and foretold its immense development [_he was
+just nine years old at that time_] knew that the rifle would soon be in the
+museums along with the bows and arrows. Pay attention, Private Jones. The
+Lewis Gun, the weapon of opportunity, is a platoon in itself. _I_ don't
+know what the Government want to worry about men for. The Germans don't
+fill up their front trenches with a lot of soldiers to be killed with
+shrapnel. No, a machine gun every twenty or thirty yards is quite enough to
+hold any defensive line. So just bear these things in mind; and don't
+forget what we have learnt to-day. All right. Nine o'clock to-morrow.
+
+II.
+
+_Physical Training Sergeant-Instructor._--Forward be--end. Ster--retch.
+Be--end. Ster--retch. Feet together--place. 'Ands--down. Stan--zee. Squad
+--'shun. Fingers straight, that man. Wotjer say? WOT? I can't 'elp wot the
+drill-sergeant tells yer. When I sez "'Shun" I want fingers _straight
+down_. On the command "Sitting--_down_" every man sits _down_ tailor-
+fashion. Sitting--_down_. [_This is the position in which Swedish drill
+squads hear words of wisdom._] Listen. An' look at me over there--not that
+I likes the look of yer--'as to put up with that, but when I torks I wants
+attention. Let me arsk yer this. Wot sort of men do we want in France? Why,
+fit men. 'Ow do yer get fit? _I_ makes yer fit. 'Ow? Why, physical. Wot's
+the good of a bloke in the trenches if he's sick parade every bloomin' day?
+Arsk any of the serjents who is it wakes blokes up and makes 'em live men?
+_Me._ In about six weeks you will be able to run ten miles before brekfast
+in full marchin' order, carryin' 120 rounds, gettin' over six-foot walls
+and jumpin' eight-foot ditches. Don't look _frightened_, Private West. I
+'ave seen weedier and uglier-lookin' blokes than you do it when _I_'ve done
+with 'em. One more thing....
+
+III.
+
+_Musketry Officer._--... Therefore you see an infantry soldier has one
+weapon and one only--the _rifle_. You fellows will be out at the Front
+pretty soon. Now, if a man gets up the line, no matter how strong he is,
+how well drilled, if he can't use his rifle he might just as well not be
+there for all the good he is to his country. All the money that's been
+spent on his trainin', food, clothin'--absolutely wasted; might as well
+have been thrown into the sea. Why, the other day a party of our fellows
+were heavin' bombs at about twenty Bosches--threw _hundreds_; couldn't
+reach 'em. And _one_ sniper went out and killed the lot in two minutes. And
+so ...
+
+IV.
+
+_Sergeant-Instructor of Bayonet-Fighting._--On guard. Long point. Withdraw.
+On guard. Rest. Now, when I snap my fingers I want to see you come to the
+high port and get roun' me _like lightning_. Some of you men seem to be
+treatin' this bizness in a light-'earted way. We don't do _this_ work to
+prevent you gettin' into mischief. Not much. Wotjer join the army for? To
+fight. Right. I shows yer how to fight. 'Ow many Fritzes jer think I've
+killed, by teachin' rookies the proper use of the baynit? This is _the
+goods_. 'Ow are we goin' to win this bloomin' war? With the rifle? No. With
+bombs? No. With machine guns? No. 'Ow then? By turnin' 'em out with the
+baynit. Cold steel. That's it. An' I'll show yer where to pop it in, me
+lads--three inches of it. That's all you want--three inches ... (_For sheer
+bloodthirstiness there is no patter like that of the Bayonet Department._)
+
+V.
+
+_Bombing Officer._--Sit down. Smoke if you want to--and listen. My job is
+to teach you fellers all about what has turned out to be of the highest
+importance in this trench warfare, namely, bombs and grenades. This is a
+trench war; has been for three years. The nature of the fighting may alter,
+of course. We all hope it will. But we must think of _trenches_ at the
+moment. Now, the German is a clever feller, and he soon saw that you'd
+never kill off the enemy if you just sat down behind a parapet with a rifle
+in your hand. So he started inventing and developing these things. But
+we're catching him up. We've caught him up. Now, this is a Mills ...
+
+VI.
+
+_The Adjutant_ (_after two hours' extended order drill and attack
+practice_).--Just sit down. Close in a bit. Light your pipes if you wish.
+Let me tell you that the sort of work we've been doing this afternoon is
+the _only_ way we're ever going to finish off the Hun--absolutely. You can
+never win a war by squatting down in a hole and lookin' at the other
+fellow. No, open fighting--that's what the new armies have got to learn. I
+fear it's been badly neglected; but not in _this_ battalion. Now, with
+regard to the screen of skirmishers, I want ...
+
+VII.
+
+_Drill Sergeant._--On 'er left, form--squad. For--erd, by the ri.'
+Mark--time. For--erd. Wake up, Thomson; we don't want no blinkin'
+_dreamers_ in the Army. Pick up the step there, Number Three, fron' rank.
+'Ep, ri'; 'ep, ri'; 'ep, ri. Sker-wad--'alt. Stan' still. 'Alt means 'alt.
+No movin' at all; just 'alt. Right--dress. Eyes--front. 'Swer. Eyes--front.
+Stanat--'ipe. 'Swer. Stanat--'ipe. Stan' easy. Now listen to me, me lads.
+The chiefest dooty of a soljer is O-bedience. Drill an' discipline is 'ow
+you gets that. Stop chewin, 'Arris. You'll be losin' your name again, me
+lad. Don't pay to lose your name twice--not in this regiment it don't.
+You'll learn a deal of other stuff 'ere; but take it from me it's the
+barrick-square work wot makes a soljer. Wot _is_ a soljer? Why, a _drilled_
+man. 'Ow jer think I 'ave turned some 'undreds of blankety militiamen into
+the real thing? If a bloke can't stan' still on parade _I_ don't want to
+hear about his doin's on the range or 'ow he can chuck a Mills. Sker-wad--
+'shun. Dis--miss. 'Swer. No call to go salootin' me, Private McKenzie. I
+ain't an orficer--_yet_. Dis--miss.
+
+_Private Jones_ (_young and keen, and a trifle confused_).--Good 'evins,
+Bill; they carn't _all_ be bloomin' well right, can they?
+
+_Lance-Corporal Smith._--No, boy. It's the 'appy mejium we gets wiv 'em
+all, yer see. That's it--the happy mejium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"
+
+_Officer._ "VISITING ROUNDS."
+
+_Sentry._ "ADVANCE ONE AND RECOGNISE YERSELF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NOTE IN THEATRICAL ADVERTISING.
+
+    (_The sort of thing we are now getting in the daily papers in place of
+    the antique boastings of expenditure and magnificence._)
+
+         FRIVOLITY THEATRE.
+
+On Monday next, at 8 o'clock, will be
+produced
+
+      _THE BELLE OF BELLONA_,
+
+ A NEW MUSICAL ECONOMANZA IN TWO ACTS.
+
+    _Largely reduced Orchestra._
+
+  Cheap Jokes.       Old Scenery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+            _DUST OF BABYLON_
+
+         AT THE EMPEROR'S THEATRE.
+
+     AN UNSPECTACULAR TALE OF THE EAST.
+
+         Practically no Costumes.
+
+_Support the production that saves money on
+wardrobe expenses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We understand that Miss Taka Topnote, the well-known revue artiste, is
+bringing an action for defamation against the dramatic editor of _The
+Morning Chatterbox_, who recently published a statement that her salary was
+fifteen hundred a week. The lady informs us that as a matter of fact she is
+now drawing thirty-five shillings, with half fees for matinees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Buckram, the famous actor-manager, writes: "A great deal of nonsense
+has been published about the so-called stupendous sums supposed to be
+expended on my shows. How such stories get about I am at a loss to imagine.
+Thus my present entertainment is reported to have cost me L25,000 before
+the curtain rose. All I can say is that, were this the case, the curtain
+would never have risen at all. To speak by the book (which anyone is at
+full liberty to inspect) I find my total initial outlay to have been L43
+11s. 5d., inclusive of free drinks at the dress-rehearsal. All the
+members of my cast are paid as little as possible, usually in postage-
+stamps."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is stated that the new problem play shortly to be produced at the
+Vegeterion Theatre will be unique in the matter of economy. It will be
+played throughout upon a bare stage, the scene represented being "A Theatre
+during Rehearsal." The cast will be entirely composed of stage hands and
+dramatic students; moreover, as both the dialogue and situations have been
+gratuitously borrowed from other works of a similar character, there will
+be no author's fees. The very gratifying result of these measures is that
+the management is enabled to present to the public an entertainment that
+has cost _nothing at all_. Patriotism could no further go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Meanwhile, the turnip trade is booming, and prices going higher: People
+seem to be talking to them in place of potatoes."--_Newcastle Evening
+Chronicle._
+
+Yes, and their language is often very regrettable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO FRANCE.
+
+  If so it be for every generous thought
+    Spring scents are sweeter yet.
+  For every task with high endeavour wrought
+    Earth's gems are fairer set--
+    Primrose and violet;
+
+  If for each  noble dream  in dormant seed
+    The life-spark stirs and glows;
+  If for the fame of each heroic deed
+    Some bloom the lovelier grows--
+    White lily or red rose;
+
+  Then, France, thou shouldst be lavish of thy flowers
+    For all our dead and thine,
+  And for all women's tears, or thine or ours,
+    Put forth some tender sign--
+    Heartsease or eglantine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+THE JUDGMENT OF THE ASS.
+
+VII.
+
+It was in the year that the donkey was elected judge, because only he and
+the mule came to vote and the mule spoiled his voting-paper.
+
+The weasel came before the court to make a serious complaint against the
+rat.
+
+"Most learned judge," said the weasel, "the rat came to me for advice.
+'Tell me,' he said, 'how I can obtain a delicious piece of cheese I have
+seen.' I showed him how he could get it. He ate the cheese, and since then
+he has not ceased to revile me."
+
+"Most unjust," said the judge. "What has the rat to say?"
+
+"The rat does not appear," said the mule, who was usher.
+
+"And why not?" asked the judge.
+
+"He is still in the trap," said the usher.
+
+"I showed him the way in," said the weasel proudly.
+
+"But not the way out," said the rat's prospective widow.
+
+"He only asked me how he could get the cheese, and I showed him," said the
+weasel.
+
+"The weasel shall have the reward of virtue," said the judge. "As for the
+rat I shall fine him for contempt of court in not appearing."
+
+"Justice!" cried the rat's prospective widow. "I demand my husband."
+
+"You shall have him," said the ass. "I order the weasel to show you the way
+into the trap."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Indian Circus handbill:--
+
+"Programme of the Bengal Grand Cirkcus Co:
+Performings begin P.P.M.
+
+PART I.
+
+1. Some horses will make very good tricks.
+
+2. The Klown will come and talk with the horses therefore audience will
+laugh itself very much.
+
+3. The lady will walk on horses back when horses jumping very much.
+
+4. The Klown will make a joking word and lady will become too angry, then
+Klown will run himself away.
+
+5. The boy he will throw a ball to upside and he will catch the ball in
+downward journey.
+
+6. This is very jumping tricks.
+
+PART II.
+
+1. One man will make so tricks on trapees that audience will fraid himself
+very much.
+
+2. Some dogs will play and role himself in the mud.
+
+3. This is the grand display of tricks.
+
+4. The lady will make himself so bend that everyone he will think that he
+is rubber lady.
+
+5. The man will walk on wire tight. He is doing so nicely because he is
+professor of that.
+
+6. Then will come grand dramatic.
+
+NOTICE.
+
+No stick will be allowed in the spectators and he shall not smoke also."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXCELSIOR.
+
+    "Our ascent to the sun makes our enemy envious."--_Koelnische Zeitung._
+
+  The night fell fast, but faster still
+  A youth came down the darkening hill,
+  A super-youth, whose super-flag
+  Flaunted the strange but hackneyed brag,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  His eyes betrayed through gold-rimmed prism
+  Myopia and astigmatism;
+  But, head in air, he proudly strode,
+  Declaiming down the fatal road,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  The sign-posts clustered left and right
+  And waved their arms towards the height;
+  He heeded not, but through the mist
+  Plunged steeply down and fiercely hissed,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  "Put on the brake!" Experience said;
+  "The stars, my boy, are overhead;
+  The pit of Tophet's deep and wide."
+  A sudden snarl of hate replied,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  "O stay," cried Sanity, "and cool
+  Thy fevered head in yonder pool!"
+  The balefire smouldered in his eye,
+  And still he muttered, hurtling by,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  "Beware the awful precipice!
+  Beware the bottomless abyss!"
+  This was Discretion's last Good-night.
+  He gurgled, as he dropped from sight,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  At day-break, when the punctual sun
+  Explored the hill-tops one by one,
+  And scoured the solitary steep,
+  An echo rose from out the deep,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+  And, from the deeper depths that lay
+  Beyond the farthest reach of day,
+  A thin voice wailed, and, mocking it,
+  Crackled the laughter of the pit,
+              "Excelsior!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME JUMBO.
+
+"Jumbo, the giant elephant of the Stosch-Parasani Circus in Berlin, has
+been killed for food, telegraphs the Amsterdam correspondent of The Daily
+Express. He yielded fifty-five tons of flesh."--_Evening Paper (Glasgow)._
+
+If this statement had not come from Amsterdam we should have found some
+difficulty in believing it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At a meeting of the King George High School, Kasauli: 'Resolved, that the
+school be closed for to-day to commemorate the recapture of Kut, for which
+permission has been so kindly accorded by Pundit Hari Das Sahib, M.A.'"--
+_Indian Paper._
+
+We are all, General MAUDE included, very much obliged to the Pundit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MISNOMER.
+
+Once upon a time, in the midst of the most detestable Spring ever known--a
+Spring consisting entirely of hopes of better weather, raised for no other
+purpose than to be so thwarted and dashed that the spirits of that brave
+and much harassed creature, man, might sink still lower--once upon a time,
+even in this Spring, there was a fine evening. It was more than fine, it
+was tender, and, owing to a North wind, wonderfully luminous, and I walked
+slowly along the hedges--which were still bare, although April was far
+advanced--and listened to the blackbirds, and marvelled at the light that
+made everything so beautiful, and was filled with gratitude to the late
+WILLIAM WILLETT for re-arranging our foolish hours.
+
+I soon reached a favourite meadow, with a view of the hills and clumps of
+gorse in it, and, since there were clumps of gorse, many, many of those
+alluring little creatures which live in the ground and provide man with
+numbers of benefits--such as sweet flesh to put into pies; and cheap, soft,
+warm fur to wrap Baby Buntings in; and stubby tails, or scuts, to be used
+in hot-houses for transferring pollen that peach-blossoms may be
+fertilised, and (latterly) symbols for Government clerks who prefer
+civilian clothes and comfort to khaki and warfare; and (in Wales) toasted
+cheese. I refer to rabbits.
+
+As I stood motionless in this meadow watching the yellowing sky, I was
+aware of an Homeric contest quite close to me. Two rabbits wore engaged in
+a terrific battle. They kicked and they scratched and made the most furious
+attacks on each other. The fur flew and the ground resounded to their
+thuds. First one seemed to be winning and then the other, but there was no
+flinching.
+
+I had heard of rabbits fighting, but I had never seen it before. "Very
+unfair to have called them Cuthberts," I said to myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The ---- Company have several second-hand cars for sale, starter and
+    non-starter models; petrol consumption low."--_The Autocar._
+
+Particularly that of the non-starters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Good General: sold cheap if taken over this week; good reasons for
+    leaving."--_Liverpool Paper._
+
+Can this be HINDENBURG?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Rev. Stuart Holden, on behalf of the Strength of Britain Movement,
+    spoke of the enthusiasm for prohibition of audiences throughout the
+    country."--_The Times._
+
+We understand, however, that this enthusiasm for the prohibition of
+audiences has not yet extended to the theatrical profession.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORTING DAYS WITH THE FOOD-PRODUCER'S STAFF.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOOD QUESTION.
+
+RATIONING AT THE ZOO.
+
+"In the Northern area," says a despatch from Mr. POCOCK, "a, period of
+inactivity has set in which is partly due to the fact that the dromedary
+has been placed on a vegetarian diet. There has been a cold snap in the
+crocodile house. Three of our keepers have disappeared."
+
+An attempt to substitute salsify for bloaters in the dietary of the
+sea-lion was not successful.
+
+Complaints have been received from the elephant-house to the effect that
+buns sold for the benefit of the occupants have not reached their
+destination. Should this abuse continue it will be necessary to make
+arrangements to have every child under the age of twelve submitted to an
+X-ray examination before leaving the Gardens.
+
+The use of human food for the nourishment of animals is, however, being
+discouraged; and for the future guinea-pigs and broken glass will be the
+staple diet of boa-constrictors and ostriches respectively. Peppermint-
+balls for grizzly bears are to be discontinued; also egg-nogg for
+anthropoid apes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Alice_ (_saying her prayers, after a quarrel with her
+sister_). "AND, PLEASE GOD, BLESS BETTY."
+
+_Betty._ "DON'T YOU DARE TO PRAY FOR ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO YOUNG FOOD-PRODUCERS.
+
+_Jugged Hare._--A well-known firm of hare-raisers in Carmelite Street
+informs us that young rabbits fed on sponge-cake soaked in port wine have a
+flavour which renders them indistinguishable from hare.
+
+_Celeriac._---This appetising vegetable has been little cultivated owing to
+a general but erroneous belief that it was the name of a new kind of
+motor-car. "Celeriac" is of course a compound of the word "celery" and the
+Arabic suffix "ac," which means "bearing a resemblance to" or "a small
+imitation of." Thus it would be correct for the writer to speak of the
+salariac he earns by writing this sort of thing.
+
+[_Note._--"Earns" would _not_ be correct.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAVIGATION EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    "Although the stern and screws of the vessel were well out of the water
+    she was able to make the port under her own steam."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Portatoes in the usual forms have disappeared this week.--LORNA."--
+    _British Weekly._
+
+These must be the Devonportatoes of which we have heard so much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BEST.
+
+    [Baron MORITZ FERDINAND VON BISSING, the German Military Governor-
+    General of Belgium, the murderer of Nurse CAVELL and instigator of the
+    infamous Belgian deportations, after being granted a rest from his
+    labours, is reported to have died "of overwork."]
+
+  Tired of pillaging and sacking,
+  Tired of bludgeoning and whacking,
+  Tired of torturing and racking,
+    BISSING takes his "rest."
+
+  For the sport of shooting nurses,
+  Gloating o'er his victims' hearses,
+  Answering appeals with curses,
+    He had lost his zest.
+
+  All his diabolic striving
+  To intensify slave-driving
+  Could not slay the soul surviving
+    In a Nation's breast.
+
+  Still the flame burns ever brighter
+  Underneath the blouse or mitre;
+  Still the smitten greets the smiter
+    With undaunted crest;
+
+  While the arch-tormentor, flying
+  From the hell about him lying,
+  Mid the fire and worm undying
+    Takes his endless rest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WANING OF FAITH.
+
+GUARDIAN OF STATUE. "YOU WISH TO HAMMER ANOTHER NAIL INTO THE COLOSSUS OF
+OUR HINDENBURG?"
+
+EX-ENTHUSIAST. "NO; I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, April 17th._--The re-opening of the House of Commons found Lord
+FISHER in his accustomed place over the clock. What is the lure that brings
+him so often to the Peers' Gallery? I think it must be his strong sense of
+duty. As Chairman of the Inventions Board he feels he ought to lose no
+opportunity of adding to his stock.
+
+Quite the most striking feature of the afternoon was the pink shirt worn by
+a well-known Scottish Member, whose name I refrain from mentioning to spare
+him any additional blushes. It was of such an inflammatory hue that his
+brother-legislators at first took it for a well-developed case of measles
+(probably German) and sheered off accordingly. Nobody knows what caused him
+to indulge in the rash act, but it is hoped in the interests of coherent
+debate that he will not do it again.
+
+Mr. DILLON was so much disturbed by the apparition that, having started out
+to demand an immediate General Election unless the Government at once
+granted Home Rule to the whole of Ireland, he finished by declaring that he
+would be satisfied if they would promise to reform the franchise on the
+lines proposed by the SPEAKER'S Conference. Incidentally he drew a fancy
+picture of himself and his colleagues striving consistently for thirty-five
+years to convert their brother-Irishmen to constitutional methods; from
+which I infer that Mr. DILLON, very wisely, does not make a study of his
+own old speeches.
+
+[Illustration: PAPER SHORTAGE AT A GENERAL ELECTION.
+
+[The Political Slate (with Sponge) has its obvious compensations.]]
+
+As the engineer of two successive extensions of the life of Parliament Mr.
+ASQUITH offered whole-souled support to the proposal to give a third
+renewal to its lease. Apart from anything else, how could a General
+Election be satisfactorily conducted when there was a shortage of paper and
+posters were prohibited? "What's the matter with slates?" whispered a
+Member from Wales. If every Candidate paraded his constituency sandwiched
+between a couple of slates showing the details of his political programme,
+it would certainly add to the gaiety of the nation, besides providing an
+easy method of expunging such items as in the course of the contest might
+prove unpopular.
+
+A good many silly things have been said in the last month or two about
+HINDENBURG and his imaginary "line," but the silliest of all perhaps was
+the remark of _The Nation_ that the German retreat on the Somme "has found
+our soldiers wanting." This article naturally gave great comfort to the
+enemy, who possibly overestimates the importance of Mr. MASSINGHAM and the
+significance of the title of his paper. It also found its way to the
+British trenches, and caused so great an increase in the habit
+traditionally ascribed to the British Army when in Flanders that Sir
+DOUGLAS HAIG is understood to have suggested that an embargo should be
+placed upon the further export of such literature.
+
+What most strikes the imagination is that amid the most stirring events of
+the greatest war in history British Legislators should devote three of
+their precious hours to so trumpery an affair. Was this what the old jurist
+had in mind when he called the House of Commons "The Great Inquest of the
+Nation"?
+
+_Wednesday, April 18th._--On the motion introduced in both Houses to
+express the welcome of Parliament to our new Ally, Mr. BONAR LAW,
+paraphrasing CANNING, declared that the New World had stepped in to redress
+the balance of the Old; Mr. ASQUITH, with a fellow-feeling no doubt, lauded
+the patience which had enabled President WILSON to carry with him a united
+nation; and Lord CURZON quoted BRET HARTE.
+
+A fresh injustice to Ireland was revealed at Question-time. England and
+Scotland are to enjoy an educational campaign, in which hundreds of
+speakers all over the country will dilate upon the necessity of reducing
+the consumption and preventing the waste of foodstuffs. But like most other
+patriotic schemes it is not to apply to John Bull's other island, though I
+gather that it is at least as much wanted there as here.
+
+On the third reading of the Parliament Bill the debate was confined to
+Irish Members. Mr. FIELD, who is in the live-stock trade, led one
+particularly fine bull into the Parliamentary arena. After complaining that
+Members had no longer any power in the House, he went on to say, "We are
+simply ciphers behind the leading figures on the Front Bench." Surely that,
+arithmetically speaking, is the position in which ciphers are most
+powerful.
+
+_Thursday, April 19th._--The mental processes of Sir WILLIAM BYLES are
+normally so mysterious that his suggestion that, with the Americans coming
+in and the Germans making off, this was the psychological moment for the
+British Government to initiate proposals for peace, did not strike the
+House at large as specially absurd. It was, however, both surprised and
+delighted when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL interposed with an inquiry whether it
+would not be time enough to talk about peace when the Germans ceased to
+blow up hospital ships. When Mr. BONAR LAW tactfully observed that the
+Supplementary Question was better than the answer he had prepared, one felt
+that the prospects of an Anglo-Irish _entente_ had appreciably improved.
+
+When the new MINISTER FOR EDUCATION deposited upon the Table a vast packet
+of manuscript, and craved the indulgence of the House if he exceeded the
+usual limits of a maiden speech, I thought of the days when the headline,
+"The Duke of Devonshire on Technical Education," used to strike on my
+fevered spirit with a touch of infinite prose. Mr. FISHER began in rather
+professorial style, but he soon revealed a glowing enthusiasm for his
+subject which thawed the House. His ambition is to transform the teachers
+in our elementary schools from ill-paid drudges into members of a liberal
+and liberally remunerated profession. Our record in the War has shown that,
+as a Naval Officer wrote to him, "there is something in your d----d Board
+School education after all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride, who was given away by her father, was attended by Miss ----
+    as demonsoille d'honneur."--_Hawkes Bay Herald_ (_New Zealand_).
+
+We fear this marriage was not made in heaven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Polite Foreigner._ "IS ZAT YOUR BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH
+THAMES--YES?"
+
+_London Dame_ ("_on her guard_"). "I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAPER PROBLEM.
+
+Copy of a letter from the Reverend Laurence Longwind to the Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY:--
+
+                                              _The Rectory_,
+                                                  _Little Pottering_,
+                                                        _April 1st, 1917_.
+
+My LORD ARCHBISHOP,--I am writing to ask whether Your Grace would be so
+kind as to assist me in resolving a case of conscience which, I feel sure,
+must be exercising the minds and hearts of many of my brother clergy at the
+present time.
+
+The matter to which I refer is closely connected with the sad shortage of
+paper. It is no doubt known to Your Grace that many ministers of the
+Gospel, though capable of eloquence of a high order, _write_ their sermons.
+Old sermons tend to increase and multiply at an alarming rate. I myself
+have a chest of drawers literally stuffed with them. What, in Your Grace's
+opinion, should be done with these?
+
+Would it be right, in view of the purpose for which they were written, to
+tear them up and send them away to be pulped? Long and earnestly as I have
+considered the problem in all its bearings I am still utterly unable to
+arrive at a solution.
+
+No doubt I could sell them and devote the proceeds to charitable purposes.
+There is, I am informed, a large and steady demand for old sermons amongst
+the younger clergy who have not that ripe experience of life which sixty
+years in a rural parish cannot fail to provide. But I am informed that the
+dealers do not always offer appropriate prices. And I should hesitate to
+make a traffic in holy things unless I could make quite certain that no
+breath of scandal could result from inadequate remuneration.
+
+I have sounded my churchwardens on the subject, but without reaping any
+benefit from the advice given. "Do you see any harm in selling them simply
+as paper?" I asked one of them, a Mr. Bloggs. "Not a rap! Not a rap! Get
+rid of 'em!" was his reply. Naturally I felt hurt. It was not so much what
+he said as the way he said it. The mere mention of my sermons always seems
+to make him irritable. Why I cannot imagine.
+
+My dear wife advises me to send them down to the schoolhouse. The children,
+she thinks, might use the backs (I write on one side of the paper only) for
+their sums. But I fear such an expedient might give rise to a spirit of
+irreverence.
+
+Would Your Grace hold me greatly to blame were I to raffle them at our next
+rummage sale? I feel sure they would fetch a good price. Only yesterday
+Miss Tabitha Gingham remarked to her sister, Miss Mary, "We had a good long
+sermon from the Rector this morning." I was passing behind their laurel
+hedge at the moment, and could not fail to overhear this meed of praise.
+Miss Tabitha is, I should explain, very hard to please, and if _she_ thinks
+them good there must be others in the parish of the same opinion. I might
+be able to raise quite a nice sum for our local Seed Potato Committee by a
+Spring raffle of my longer and more elaborate compositions. And since
+everybody is beginning to take a modern view of Bonus Bonds I do not think
+that a raffle for such a purpose need arouse serious opposition.
+
+Trusting that Your Grace will be able to give me your considered opinion in
+this matter, which is arousing so much attention at the present time,
+
+             I am, Your Grace's humble and obedient Servant,
+                        LAURENCE LONGWIND.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Resident at Boarding House_ (_to waiter_). "DO YOU CALL
+THIS STUFF MARGARINE OR MARJARINE?"
+
+_Mike._ "SURE, SORR, IT'S HERSELF WOULD SLING ME OUT IF I CALLED IT
+ANNYTHING BUT BUTTHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORE AND AFT.
+
+  The A.S.C.'s a nobleman; 'e rides a motor-car,
+  'E is not forced to 'ump a pack, as we footsloggers are;
+  'E drives 'is lorry through the towns and 'alts for fags and beer;
+  We infantry, we does without, there ain't no shops up 'ere;
+  And then for splashin' us with mud 'e draws six bob a day,
+  For the further away from the line you go the 'igher your rate of pay.
+
+  My shirt is rather chatty and my socks 'ud make you larf;
+  It's just a week o' Sundays since they sent us for a barf;
+  But them that 'as the cushy jobs they lives in style and state,
+  With a basin in their bedrooms and their dinners on a plate;
+  For 'tis a law o' nachur with the bloomin' infantry--
+  The nearer up to the line you go the dirtier will you be.
+
+  Blokes at the base, they gets their leave when they've bin out three
+      munse;
+  I 'aven't seen my wife and kids for more 'n a year, not once;
+  The missus writes, "About that pass, you'd better ask again;
+  I think you must 'ave been forgot." Old girl, the reason's plain:
+  We are the bloomin' infantry, and you must just believe
+  That the nearer up to the line you go the less is your chance of leave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We cussed at Grosvenor House and some steps in this direction may be
+    expected if the demands of retailers become more rapacious."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+It is no good abusing the FOOD CONTROLLER, however, or prices would long
+ago have been down to zero.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAB DREAMS OF MAY.
+
+  The day-dim torches of chestnut trees stand dreamily, dreamily;
+    In myriad jewels of glad young green, smooth black are the broad beech
+        boles;
+  The fragrant foam of the cherry trees hangs creamily, creamily,
+    And the purpling lilacs and the blackthorn brakes are singing with all
+        their souls!
+
+  The pinky petals of lady's-smocks peer maidenly, maidenly;
+    Meadow-sweet, donning her fragrant lace, is daintiest friend of the
+        breeze;
+  Hyacinths wild, blue-misting the woods, hang ladenly, ladenly,
+    And tiniest bird's-eye burns deep blue in thickets of tall grass trees!
+
+  Daylong I lie, daylong I dream, swung swooningly, swooningly,
+    In an old-time tulip of flaming gold, red-flaunted and streaked with
+        green,
+  While song of the birds, of water and bees comes crooningly, crooningly,
+    And Summer brings me her swift mad months with scent and colour and
+        sheen.
+                  Winter is gone, I ween,
+                  As it had never been!
+
+          _Dance! dance! Delicately dance!_
+              _Revel with the delicatest stamp and go!_
+          _Dance! dance!  Circle and advance,_
+              _Curtsey, twirl about,_
+              _Shatter the dew and whirl about,_
+          _Stamp upon the moonbeams--heel and toe!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE NEWS FROM THE AIR.
+
+THE ALLIES.
+
+The other day I was in a country house whose owners are so lost to shame as
+still to keep pets. There is a dog there which is actually allowed to eat,
+in defiance of all those _Times'_ correspondents whose sole idea of this
+stimulating and unfailingly devoted animal is that it is personified greed
+on four legs. There are two or three horses of unusual intelligence, which
+no doubt our friend the Hun would long since have devoured, but which, even
+though hunting is over, are by some odd freak of sentiment or even of
+loyalty still kept alive. There are rabbits. And there is a bird in a cage
+against the wall of a small yard. This bird is a chaffinch, which a friend
+had brought over from France.
+
+After I had fraternised shamefully with all these deplorable drones, my
+hostess drew my attention to the French chaffinch, a line big fellow, very
+tame and cheerful. "We will feed him," she said, "and then you will see
+something that happens every day. Something very interesting."
+
+So saying she poured into a receptacle for the purpose enough seed, no
+doubt, to make, mixed with other things, several admirable thimble-loaves
+of bread substitute, and told me to watch.
+
+I watched, and very soon the French chaffinch, having eaten a certain
+amount of the seed, dashed his beak amid the rest with such violence that
+it was spilt over the pan, out of the bars and down to the ground below.
+
+"That's very wasteful," I said. "Lord DEVONPORT wouldn't like that--Lord
+DEVONPORT wouldn't;" this being the kind of facetious thing we are all
+saying just now, and something facetious being in this particular house
+always, for some reason or other, expected of me.
+
+"Wait a minute," my hostess replied. "There's more reason in it than you
+think."
+
+And there was.
+
+The whole point of this mediocre narrative consists in the fact that within
+a few seconds some dozen sparrows had descended to the yard and were
+feeding busily while the chaffinch watched from above. And this happens at
+every mealtime.
+
+To what extent we are contributing to the French Commissariat I cannot say;
+but with my own eyes I have seen a French citizen being systematically
+generous to his English cousins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The sale [of potatoes] started at 6 a.m., and the first omnibus from
+    London brought over 200 buyers down."--_Weekly Dispatch._
+
+A gross case of overcrowding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Civilian _(_who has been asked to luncheon at outlying
+fort_). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LAND BY THAT ABSURD LITTLE
+LADDER."
+
+_Host._ "ROT, OLD CHAP. I'VE HAD THE VERY DICKENS OF A JOB TO GET YOU A
+PASS--AND, BESIDES, PEOPLE DON'T OFTEN FALL IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOUBLE ENTENTE.
+
+    ["In view of the fact that M.C. is also the abbreviation for 'Military
+    Cross' ... it has been recommended that the abbreviations for the
+    degrees of Bachelor of Surgery and Master of Surgery be altered from
+    B.C. and M.C. to B.Ch. and M.Ch."]
+
+In view of the fact that P.M. is also the abbreviation for Prime Minister
+and Post-Mortem, the London and North-Western Railway recommend that in
+future the abbreviation for afternoon be A.L. (After Luncheon).
+
+In view of the fact that (as every schoolboy knows) D.D. is also the
+abbreviation for Double Donkey, the Upper House of Convocation recommend
+that in future the abbreviation for Doctor of Divinity be Doc. Div.
+
+In view of the fact that Q.S. is also the abbreviation for Quarter
+Sessions, the Committee of the Pharmaceutical Society recommend that in
+future the abbreviation for Quantum Suff. be S.W. (Say When).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Herbert Spencer made a rough outline of his 'Sympathetic Philosophy'
+    when forty years old."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+Alas! he never lived to fill in the details.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PERSONAL TRIUMPH.
+
+Always at the same point of my railway journey North I drop my paper and
+wait till a certain trim red-roofed ivy-clad cottage comes into view across
+the fields to the right. Till yesterday there were two reasons why I should
+hail this cottage with delight. First of all, it stands where trim cottages
+are rarer than pit-heads and slag heaps; and, secondly, GEORGE STEPHENSON
+once lived there. From now onwards, however, I have a third and more
+compelling reason for respecting the old building. You shall hear.
+
+Know, then, that I have a friend called Smithson. The Athenians would have
+had a short way with him; and I admit that there have been times in the
+course of our relationship when hemlock would really have been the only
+thing to meet the case. Our conversations (it is no fault of mine) are
+always dialectical. They take the following form. Light-heartedly I
+enunciate a proposition. Smithson is interested and asks for a clearer
+statement. I modify my original position. Smithson purrs. Seeing trouble
+imminent, I modify my modification, and from that point onwards I make a
+foredoomed but not (as I flatter myself) an unplucky fight against
+relentless logic. The elenchus comes soon or late, but it always comes.
+Only in dreams am I ever one up on Smithson. The old trick of cramming up
+hard parts of the Encyclopaedia overnight is no good. I tried it once with
+"Hegesippus" and "The Hegira." You don't know what either of these words
+mean? Smithson did--and he knew the articles. No doubt he and Mr. GLADSTONE
+had written them in collaboration.
+
+Well, yesterday, Smithson and I were in the neighbourhood of the cottage
+which I have told you of. Having an hour to spare from work of national
+importance, we took our sandwiches and were eating them in view of the
+jolly old house.
+
+"What's that thing over the door?" I said.
+
+"That I take to be a sun-dial," said Smithson with his accustomed reserve
+of strength.
+
+"What a delightful stile," I said. (You always have stiles on sun-dials. I
+knew that).
+
+"_Qua_ stile it is perfect. What do you make of the inscription?"
+
+I went at it bald-headed. "_Percunt et imputantur_," I said.
+
+"You may be right, of course," replied Smithson, "though it certainly
+begins with an A."
+
+"True," I corrected. "_Anno Domini_."
+
+"Conceivably--but the second letter is a U."
+
+I left Smithson painfully to reconstruct A-U-G-U-S-T from among the ivy. He
+had got to the M of a long date when a burst of sun cast a crisp shadow
+across the dial.
+
+"I don't think much of GEORGE STEPHENSON after all," I said. "His beastly
+clock doesn't know the right time."
+
+Smithson snorted. Here was a challenge to the omniscient.
+
+"That's all right," he said, recovering himself in a moment "All properly
+constructed dials have a compensating table; we shall find one no doubt
+behind the ivy; there! I see it, to the left--a compensating table by which
+you have to correct the actual record of the shadow. For example, we are
+now in Lat. 55 N. The month is April. At Greenwich--"
+
+But I wasn't listening. A bright truth had flashed into my mind, and I
+couldn't hold myself back any longer. "It's just about an hour slow," I
+said. "You don't think that Daylight Saving has anything to do with it, do
+you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Busdriver._--"ALL RIGHT--ALL RIGHT! I SEE YER, YER NEEDN'T
+KEEP ON SURRENDERING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"About twenty-four hours later one of the ship's officers saw something
+bobbing on the water a few hundred years dead ahead."--_New York Evening
+Post._
+
+America evidently foresees a long war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRIFE OF TONGUES.
+
+(_Lines suggested by the recent demise of the inventor of Esperanto._)
+
+  As a patriotic Briton
+  I am naturally smitten
+      With disgust
+  When some universal lingo
+  By a zealous anti-Jingo
+      Is discussed.
+
+  Some there are who hold that Spanish
+  In the end is bound to banish
+      Other tongues;
+  Some again regard Slavonic
+  As a stimulating tonic
+      For the lungs.
+
+  I would sooner bank on Tuscan,
+  Ay, or even on Etruscan,
+      Than on Erse;
+  But fanatical campaigners,
+  Gaelic Leaguers and Sinn Feiners
+      Find it terse.
+
+  Some are moved to have a shy at
+  Persian, thanks to the _Rubaiyat_,
+      And its ease;
+  But it's quite another matter
+  If you're anxious for to chatter
+      In Chinese.
+
+  To instruct a brainy brat in
+  Canine or colloquial Latin
+      _May_ be wise;
+  But it's not an education
+  As a fruitful speculation
+      I'd advise.
+
+  French? All elegance equips it,
+  But how oft on foreign lips it
+      Runs awry;
+  German, tainted, execrated,
+  Is for ages relegated
+      To the sty.
+
+  As for brand-new tongues invented
+  By professors discontented
+      With the old,
+  Well, the prospect of a "panto"
+  Played and sung in Esperanto
+      Leaves me cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of the most striking--and satisfactory--features of the new
+    restaurant regime is the disappearance of the bread-basket."--_Daily
+    Telegraph._
+
+Or, at any rate, a considerable shrinkage in its contour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If there must be duplication of electric light installations, the
+    apparati might, at least, be made uniform. And it would not be
+    expecting too much if they were made in some way to harmonise with the
+    telephone service."--_Australian Paper._
+
+Or even with the Latin Grammar?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "5-Seater Car for Sale; must sell; chauffeur at the Front; own body
+    cost over L73. What offers?--RECTOR."--_Times._
+
+These personal details seem to us a little out of place in a commercial
+transaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _John._ "BUT WHY MUSTN'T WE HAVE NEW BREAD ANY MORE?"
+
+_Joan._ "WHY, DON'T YOU SEE, SILLY? IF WE EAT YESTERDAY'S AND SAVE UP
+TO-DAY'S THERE'LL ALWAYS BE SOME FOR TO-MORROW. THEN THE GERMANS CAN'T
+STARVE US."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_ By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In these days, when everybody has his reminiscences, there should still be
+a welcome for so genial a volume as _A Soldier's Memories_ (JENKINS), into
+which Major-General Sir GEORGE YOUNGHUSBAND has gathered his "Recollections
+of People, Places and Things." The title truly indicates the character of
+the contents, which are exactly what you would expect from a plain blunt
+man, who loves his friends, and equally loves a good story about them, at
+his own or their expense, impartially. The anecdotes in the book are
+legion, and the actors in them range from troopers to generals, and beyond.
+KING EDWARD, their present Majesties, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ("a nice-looking
+clean little boy in an Eton jacket and collar") all figure in the author's
+pictures of the past, which include also a highly characteristic study of
+WILLIAM THE FRIGHTFUL, congratulating the "citizens of Salisbury,"
+represented by a handful of curious urchins, upon their "beautiful and
+ancient cathedral." (One can fancy the unspoken addition in the Imperial
+mind, "And what a target for Bertha!") Many of Sir GEORGE'S pages are
+devoted to stories of the Boer campaign, that old unhappy far-off thing
+that seems somehow, as one looks back to-day, further off than Waterloo. In
+fine, a book that all Service folk, and many besides them, will find a
+treasure-house of good stories, of exactly the kind that should be certain
+of their appeal now, when we are all, or like to think ourselves, soldiers
+in the greatest of England's wars, and inheritors of the traditions here
+shown in the making.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A short hour's reading and you will have laid down, with a sigh for its
+brevity, a little book that is a very model of artistry. It is by Mr. E.V.
+LUCAS, and _Outposts of Mercy_ is its happy name. But I am not to seek
+reflected glory by the praising of a colleague; simply for the sake of the
+cause that he pleads I wish to commend this fascinating account of the
+author's visit, in the company of Lord MONSON, Chief Commissioner, to the
+stations of the British Red Cross on the Carso, at Gorizia and among the
+Carnic and Julian Alps. Resisting sternly the temptation to embroider his
+theme with the distractions of scene and circumstance (of course he had to
+tell us of that dinner at the mess of an Alpine regiment where he met the
+man who had discovered the "Venus of Cyrene"), he keeps as closely as may
+be to his main subject, but cannot escape from infusing it with his own
+sense of colour and romance and the unconscious appeal of his personality.
+One may envy him his rare experience, yet fully share his pride in the
+fearless devotion of the men and women of our race (one can imagine it of
+no other) in these perilous and lonely outposts of mercy. A little paper
+book, illustrated with little photographs, and costing just a shilling. The
+author and his publishers (METHUEN) are devoting the profits to the British
+Red Cross; so you who buy and read it--and I don't see how anybody can
+refuse--may extract a claim to virtue from an hour of pure delight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A quiet style, keen powers of observation, and a delightful assumption of
+his own unimportance combine to make Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S _With the New
+Army on the Somme_ (MURRAY) a book that will be read long after the Hun has
+returned to the place from which he came. "Those whose business it was to
+observe, the six correspondents ... went and came always with a sense of
+incapacity and sometimes with a feeling that writing was a worthless
+business when others were fighting." There we have his apology for doing
+what obviously seemed to him a second-best thing; but much as I like his
+modesty I can assure him that no finer tribute has yet been paid to our new
+army. Mr. PALMER was the accredited American correspondent at the British
+Front, and though the days are happily passed when he was a neutral in name
+his position as an impartial spectator gives him an advantage denied to the
+most veracious of our own correspondents. Our French Allies too may be
+congratulated, by themselves as well as by us, on being observed by eyes so
+shrewd and friendly. "No two French soldiers seem quite alike on the march
+or when moving about a village on leave. Each seems three beings--one a
+Frenchman, one a soldier, a third himself." Anyone who has been in the
+war-zone and seen a French regiment resting cannot fail to be struck by the
+acuteness of this remark; indeed it provides the key to what, for an
+ordinary British mind, is a puzzle. It is one of Mr. PALMER'S many virtues
+that, although his main business was to watch the soldiers and the
+fighting, he never forgets the man inside the uniform. This gives to his
+historical record the added interest of a study in psychology.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Unspeakable Perk_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and his attendant puppets
+are, to put it kindly, selected from the stock characters of Lesser
+American Fiction. There is the "radiant" heroine from Squeedunkville, Wis.
+(or Mass.); the tame Poppa with the simoleons, the hero heavily disguised
+as a worm, and a worm or so to do the real heavy worming when the hero's
+turn comes to pull off the grand-stand play (this doesn't sound like
+English but it is really the standard "line of talk" in Lesser American
+Fiction). And last but not least there is the "fiery" Southerner. In real
+life Southerners are melancholy men with a tendency to _embonpoint_ and
+clawhammer coats of ante-bellum design. But in Lesser American Fiction they
+are for some undiscovered reason always "fiery." To the fiery one the
+heroine "unconsciously turns" when the apparent earmarks of the hero's
+wormhood are dramatically revealed, and of course she hands him what she
+would probably describe as the "sister" stuff when the gentleman emerges in
+his natural colours. That is what makes the story-book Southerner so fiery.
+Place these complex characters in an imaginary Carribean Republic, a sort
+of transpontine Ruritania; add a revolution fostered by the serpentine
+diplomats of a European power; let the American eagle issue a few screams,
+and there you have the environment in which _The Unspeakable Perk_ lives
+and moves and has his unreal being. The keynote of SAMUEL HOPKINS ADAMS'
+story is what the _Perk_ person would describe as a want of "pep." Even the
+villains turn out to be comparative gentlemen in the end, the dirty work
+being conveniently fastened upon some "person or persons unknown." The yarn
+is well enough to wile away an hour; but in these days of burning realities
+fiction has lost its bite unless it too is informed with the spirit of
+reality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have to warn you that the early chapters of _The_ _Moulding Loft_
+(METHUEN) are liable to plunge you into some mental agitation, due to the
+author's deliberately baffling method of starting her plot. The hero, for
+example, is introduced to us abed, and semi-delirious, waited upon by a
+pale and sinister young female whom he detests. He appears to be in a house
+strange to him, which contains also an unpleasant old woman and a queer
+little boy whose behaviour is wrop in mystery. Slowly, perhaps somewhat too
+slowly, it is revealed that the hero has been knocked silly by a large
+stone dropped upon his unoffending head by the small boy. But why? And why
+does the child protest his innocence with such apparent good faith? These
+problems I must leave MARGARET WESTRUP (Mrs. W. STACEY) to resolve in her
+own unhurried way. Of course before long the "little aversion" between hero
+and heroine gives place to an emotion more appropriate. But there remains
+an obstacle to their union, one concerned (also, of course) with the
+detestable grandmother and the mysterious small boy. Shall I give you one
+clue? Somebody is mad; nor is it (as you may at one time have been tempted
+to suppose) either the author or reader. More than this wild horses should
+not extort from me. But I confess to a rewarding thrill and a very grateful
+relief when the mystery was finally cleared up. A good and interesting
+book, both for its plot and for some very agreeable Cornish scenes, which
+would have been even more welcome had the delectable Duchy not already
+engaged the pens of our novelists more than enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. "J.E. BUCKROSE" is one of those writers whose work can always be
+depended upon. A pinch of pathos, a _soupcon_ of sentiment, a spice of
+humour--there you have the recipe, and a very palatable mixture it makes.
+The common element that pervades the dozen stories which compose _War-Time
+in Our Street_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), all in the author's best manner, is
+the staunch devotion to duty displayed by her heroines under stress of war.
+Pangs of hunger are endured nobly, hard-hearted folk are softened, lonely
+women fight and win the battle against depression. If these pictures of
+life behind the windows of our village streets are too _couleur de
+BUCKROSE_ to be quite true, there is nevertheless a real quality in them.
+They are not for the cynic, but for readers who can appreciate simple tales
+of simple people, told without affectation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Airman._ "I SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CIGARETTE-HOLDER
+ANYWHERE ABOUT? I DROPPED MINE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS FLYING OVER THIS
+PLACE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To shoot well at fixed targets, after the range has been exactly
+    registered, as in trench warfare, is one thing, but front and pick up
+    distances smarly, is quite to trot into action, unlimber and form
+    action another, and this is where many phophets anticipated our new
+    Army would be found wanting, but prophecy is becoming a profitless
+    business in this war."--_Bath Herald._
+
+Well, why not try proof-reading as a change?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Rector nominated Mr. C. Yells as his warden. Captain Noyes was
+    appointed sidesman."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Otherwise the proceedings seem to have gone off quietly.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, April 25, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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