initial commit of ebook 14939HEADmain

21 files changed, 6623 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/14939-8.txt b/14939-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7bdcbb1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2166 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14939]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 4, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
+
+The document with this title, that has got into the newspapers, has been
+dressed up for the public eye. We have obtained the original _draft_, and
+beg to administer it to our readers _neat_, in the precise language it was
+written in.
+
+THE OFFICIAL REPORT.
+
+MR. SNOOKS says, that it being his turn to be on watch on the night of
+Saturday, October 30th, he went to his duty as usual, and having turned
+into his box, slept until he was amazed by shouts and the rolling of
+wheels in all directions. The upper door of his box being open, he looked
+out of it, and his head struck violently against something hard, upon
+which he attempted to open the lower door of his box, when he found he
+could not. Thinking there was something wrong, he became very active in
+raising an alarm, but could obtain no attention; and he has since found
+that in the hurry of moving property from different parts of the building,
+his box had been closely barricaded; and he, consequently, was compelled
+to remain in it until the following morning. He says, however, that
+everything was quite safe in the middle of the day when he took his
+great-coat to his box, and trimmed his lantern ready for the evening.
+
+MRS. SNOOKS, wife of the above witness, corroborates the account of her
+husband, so far as trimming the lanthern in the daytime is concerned, and
+also as to his being encased in his box until the morning. She had no
+anxiety about him, because she had been distinctly told that the fire did
+not break out until past ten, and her husband she knew was sure to be snug
+in his box by that time.
+
+JOHN JONES, a publican, says, at about nine o'clock on Saturday, the 30th
+of October, he saw a light in the Tower, which flickered very much like a
+candle, as if somebody was continually blowing one out and blowing it in
+again. He observed this for about half an hour, when it began to look as
+if several gas-lights were in the room and some one was turning the gas on
+and off very rapidly. After this he went to bed, and was disturbed shortly
+before midnight by hearing that the Tower was in flames.
+
+SERGEANT FIPS, of the Scotch Fusileer (Qy. _Few sillier_) Guards, was at a
+public-house on Tower-hill, when, happening to go to the door, he observed
+a large quantity of thick smoke issuing from one of the windows of the
+Tower. Knowing that Major Elrington, the deputy governor, was fond of a
+cigar, he thought nothing of the circumstance of the smoke, and was
+surprised in about half an hour to see flames issuing from the building.
+
+GEORGE SNIVEL saw the fire bursting from the Tower on Saturday night, and
+being greatly frightened he ran home to his mother as soon as possible.
+His mother called him a fool, and said it was the gas-works.
+
+THOMAS POPKINS rents a back attic at Rotherhithe; he had been peeling an
+onion on the 30th of October, and went to the window for the purpose of
+throwing out the external coat of the vegetable mentioned in the beginning
+of his testimony, when he saw a large fire burning somewhere, with some
+violence. Not thinking it could be the Tower, he went to bed after eating
+the onion--which has been already twice alluded to in the course of his
+evidence.
+
+MR. SWIFT, of the Jewel-office, says, that he saw the Tower burning at the
+distance of about three acres from where the jewels are kept, when his
+first thought was to save the regalia. For this purpose he rushed to the
+scene of the conflagration and desired everybody who would obey him, to
+leave what they were about and follow him to that part of the Tower set
+apart for the jewels. Several firemen were induced to quit the pumps, and
+having prevailed on a large body of soldiers, he led them and a vast
+miscellaneous mob to the apartments where the crown, &c., were deposited.
+After a considerable quantity of squeezing, screaming, cursing, and
+swearing, it was discovered that the key was missing, when the jewel-room
+was carried by storm, and the jewels safely lodged in some other part of
+the building. When witness returned to the fire, it was quite out, and the
+armoury totally demolished.
+
+The whole of the official report is in the same satisfactory strain, but
+we do not feel ourselves justified in printing any more of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON-CERTED CON.
+
+"When is the helm of a ship like a certain English composer?"--said the
+double bass to the trombone in the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre,
+while resting themselves the other evening between the acts of Norma.--The
+trombone wished he might be _blowed_ if he could tell.--"When it is
+_A-lee_" quoth the bass--rosining his bow with extraordinary delight at
+his own conceit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECONCILING A DIFFERENCE.
+
+Two literary partisans were lately contending with considerable warmth,
+for the superiority of Tait's or Blackwood's Magazine--till from words
+they fell to blows, and decided the dispute by the _argumentum ad
+hominem_.--Doctor Maginn, hearing of the circumstance, observed to a
+friend, that however the pugnacious gentleman's opinions might differ with
+respect to _Tait_ and _Blackwood_, it was evident they were content to
+decide them by a _Frazer_ (_fray sir_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR WEATHERCOCK.
+
+The state of the weather, at all times an object of intense interest and
+general conversation amongst Englishmen, has latterly engaged much of our
+attention; and the observations which we have made on the extraordinary
+changes which have taken place in the weathercock during the last week
+warrant us in saying "there must be something in the wind." It has been
+remarked that Mr. Macready's _Hamlet_ and Mr. Dubourg's chimneys have not
+_drawn_ well of late. A smart breeze sprung up between Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
+of Brixton, on last Monday afternoon, which increased during the night,
+and ended in a perfect storm. Sir Peter Laurie on the same evening retired
+to bed rather misty, and was exceedingly foggy all the following morning.
+At the Lord Mayor's dinner the _glass_ was observed to rise and fall
+several times in a most remarkable manner, and at last settled at "heavy
+wet." A flock of gulls were seen hovering near Crockford's on Tuesday, and
+on that morning the milkman who goes the Russell-square walk was observed
+to blow the tips of his fingers at the areas of numerous houses.
+Applications for food were made by some starving paupers to the Relieving
+Officers of different workhouses, but the hearts of those worthy
+individuals were found to be completely frozen. Notwithstanding the
+severity of the weather, the nose of the beadle of St. Clement Danes has
+been seen for nearly the last fortnight in full blossom. A heavy fall of
+blankets took place on Wednesday, and the fleecy covering still lies on
+several beds in and near the metropolis. Expecting frost to set in, Sir
+Robert Peel has been busily employed on his _sliding scale_; in fact,
+affairs are becoming very slippery in the Cabinet, and Sir James Graham is
+already preparing to trim his sail to the next change of wind.
+Watercresses, we understand, are likely to be scarce; there is a brisk
+demand for "bosom friends" amongst unmarried ladies; and it is feared that
+the intense cold which prevails at nights will drive some unprovided young
+men into the _union_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BANE AND ANTIDOTE.
+
+We are requested to state that the insane person who lately attempted to
+obtain an entrance into Buckingham Palace was not the Finsbury renegade,
+Mr. Wakley. We are somewhat surprised that the rumour should have obtained
+circulation, as the unfortunate man is described as being of respectable
+appearance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CORSAIR.
+
+A POEM TO BE READ ON RAILROADS.
+
+  The sky was dark--the sea was rough;
+  The Corsair's heart was brave and tough;
+  The wind was high--the waves were steep;
+  The moon was veil'd--the ocean deep;
+  The foam against the vessel dash'd:
+  The Corsair overboard was wash'd.
+  A rope in vain was thrown to save--
+  The brine is now the Corsair's grave!
+
+As it is expected that the jogging and jerking, or the sudden passing
+through tunnels, may in some degree interfere with the perusal of this
+poem, we give it with the abbreviations, as it is likely to be read with
+the drawbacks alluded to.
+
+Wherever there is a dash--it is supposed there will be a jolt of the
+vehicle.
+
+CORSAIR-POEM.
+
+  --sky--dark--sea--rough;
+  --Corsair--brave--tough;
+  --wind--high--waves steep;
+  --moon--veil'd--oce--deep;
+  --foam--gainst--vess--dash'd;
+  --Corsair--board--wash'd.
+  --rope--vain--to save,
+  --brine--Cors--grave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"STUPID AS A 'POST.'"
+
+The _Morning Post_ has made another blunder. Lord Abinger, it seems, is
+too Conservative to resign.  After all the editorial boasting about
+"exclusive information," "official intelligence," &c. it is very evident
+that the "_Morning Twaddler_" must not be looked upon as a direction
+_post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+We learn that a drama of startling interest, founded upon a recent event
+of singular horror, is in active preparation at the Victoria Theatre. It
+is to be entitled "_Cavanagh the Culprit; or, the Irish Saveloyard_." The
+interest of the drama will be immensely strengthened by the introduction
+of the genuine knife with which the fatal ham was cut. Real saveloys will
+also be eaten by the Fasting Phenomenon before the audience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Never saw such _stirring_ times," as the spoon said to the saucepan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE "PUFF PAPERS."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+Having expressed the great gratification I should enjoy at being permitted
+to become a member of so agreeable a society, I was formally presented by
+the chairman with a capacious meerschaum, richly mounted in silver, and
+dark with honoured age, filled with choice tobacco, which he informed me
+was the initiatory pipe to be smoked by every neophyte on his admission
+amongst the "Puffs." I shall not attempt to describe with what profound
+respect I received that venerable tube into my hands--how gently I applied
+the blazing match to its fragrant contents--how affectionately I placed
+the amber mouth-piece between my lips, and propelled the thick wreaths of
+smoke in circling eddies to the ceiling:--to dilate upon all this might
+savour of an egotistical desire to exalt my own merits--a species of
+_puffing_ I mortally abhor. Suffice it to say, that when I had smoked the
+pipe of peace, I was heartily congratulated by the chairman and the
+company generally upon the manner in which I had acquitted myself, and I
+was declared without a dissentient voice a duly-elected member of the
+"Puffs."
+
+The business of the night, which my entrance had interrupted, was now
+resumed; and the chairman, whom I shall call Arden, striking his hammer
+upon a small mahogany box which was placed before him on the table,
+requested silence. Before I permit him to speak, I must give my readers a
+pen-and-ink sketch of his person. He was rather tall and erect in his
+person--his head was finely formed--and he had a quick grey eye, which
+would have given an unpleasant sharpness to his features, had it not been
+softened by the benevolent smile which played around his mouth. In his
+attire he was somewhat formal, and he affected an antiquated style in the
+fashion of his dress. When he spoke, his words fell with measured
+precision from his lips; but the mellow tone of his voice, and a certain
+courteous _empressement_ in his manner, at once interested me in his
+favour; and I set him down in my mind as a gentleman of the old English
+school. How far I was right in my conjecture my readers will hereafter
+have an opportunity of determining.
+
+"Our new member," said the chairman, turning towards me, "should now be
+informed that we have amongst us some individuals who possess a taste for
+literary pursuits."
+
+"A very small taste," whispered a droll-looking 'Puff,' with a
+particularly florid nose, who was sitting on my right hand, and who
+appeared to be watching all the evening for opportunities of letting off
+his jokes, which were always applauded longest and loudest by himself. My
+comical neighbour's name, I afterwards learned, was Bayles; he was the
+licensed jester of the club; he had been a punster from his youth; and it
+was his chief boast that he had joked himself into the best society and
+out of the largest fortune of any individual in the three kingdoms.
+
+This incorrigible wag having broken the thread of the chairman's speech, I
+shall only add the substance of it. It was, that the literary members of
+the "Puffs" had agreed to contribute from time to time articles in prose
+and verse; tales, legends, and sketches of life and manners--all which
+contributions were deposited in the mahogany box on the table; and from
+this literary fund a paper was extracted by the chairman on one of the
+nights of meeting in each week, and read by him aloud to the club.
+
+These manuscripts, I need scarcely say, will form the series of THE PUFF
+PAPERS, which, for the special information of the thousands of the fair
+sex who will peruse them, are like the best black teas, strongly
+recommended for their fine _curling leaf_.
+
+The first paper drawn by the chairman was an Irish Tale; which, after a
+humorous protest by Mr. Bayles against the introduction of foreign
+extremities, was ordered to be read.
+
+The candles being snuffed, and the chairman's spectacles adjusted to the
+proper focus, he commenced as follows:--
+
+THE GIANT'S STAIRS.
+
+A LEGEND OF THE SOUTH OF IRELAND.
+
+"Don't be for quitting us so airly, Felix, _ma bouchal_, it's a taring
+night without, and you're better sitting there opposite that fire than
+facing this unmarciful storm," said Tim Carthy, drawing his stool closer
+to the turf-piled hearth, and addressing himself to a young man who
+occupied a seat in the chimney nook, whose quick bright eye and somewhat
+humorous curl of the corner of the mouth indicated his character pretty
+accurately, and left no doubt that he was one of those who would laugh
+their laugh out, if the _ould boy_ stood at the door. The reply to Tim's
+proposal was a jerk of Felix's great-coat on his left shoulder, and a sly
+glance at the earthen mug which he held, as he gradually bent it from its
+upright position, until it was evident that the process of absorption had
+been rapidly acting on its contents. Tim, who understood the freemasonry
+of the manoeuvre, removed all the latent scruples of Felix by
+adding--"There's more of that stuff--where you know; and by the crook of
+St. Patrick we'll have another drop of it to comfort us this blessed
+night. Whisht! do you hear how the wind comes sweeping over the hills? God
+help the poor souls at say!"
+
+"Wissha amen!" replied Tim's wife, dropping her knitting, and devoutly
+making the sign of the cross upon her forehead.
+
+A silence of a few moments ensued; during which, each person present
+offered up a secret prayer for the safety of those who might at that
+moment be exposed to the fury of the warring elements.
+
+I should here inform my readers that the cottage of Tim Carthy was
+situated in the deep valley which runs inland from the strand at
+Monkstown, a pretty little bathing village, that forms an interesting
+object on the banks of the romantic Lee, near the "beautiful city" of
+Cork.
+
+"I never heard such a jearful storm since the night Mahoon, the ould
+giant, who lives in the cave under the _Giants Stairs_, sunk the three
+West Ingee-men that lay at anchor near the rocks," observed Mrs. Carthy.
+
+"It's Felix can tell us, if he plazes, a quare story about that same
+Mahoon," added Tim, addressing himself to the young man.
+
+"You're right there, anyhow, Tim," replied Felix; "and as my pipe is just
+out, I'll give you the whole truth of the story as if I was after kissing
+the book upon it.
+
+"You must know, then, it was one fine morning near Midsummer, about five
+years ago, that I got up very airly to go down to the beach and launch my
+boat, for I meant to try my luck at fishing for conger eels under the
+Giant's Stairs. I wasn't long pulling to the spot, and I soon had my lines
+baited and thrown out; but not so much as a bite did I get to keep up my
+spirits all that blessed morning, till I was fairly kilt with fatigue and
+disappointment. Well, I was thinking of returning home again, when all at
+once I felt something mortial heavy upon one of my lines. At first I
+thought it was a big conger, but then I knew that no fish would hang so
+dead upon my hand, so I hauled in with fear and thrembling, for I was
+afeard every minnit my line or my hook would break, and at last I got my
+prize to the top of the water, and then safe upon the gunnel of the
+boat;--and what do you think it was?"
+
+"In troth, Felix, sorra one of us knows."
+
+"Well, then, it was nothing else but a little dirty black oak box, hooped
+round with iron, and covered with say-weed and barnacles, as if it had
+lain a long time in the water. 'Oh, ho!' says myself, 'it's in rale good
+luck I am this beautiful morning. Phew! as sure as turf, 'tis full of
+goold, or silver, or dollars, the box is.' For, by dad, it was so heavy
+intirely I could scarcely move it, and it sunk my little boat a'most to
+the water's edge; so I pulled back for bare life to the shore, and ran the
+boat into a lonesome little creek in the rocks. There I managed somehow to
+heave out the little box upon dry land, and, finding a handy lump of a
+stone, I wasn't long smashing the iron fastenings, and lifting up the lid.
+I looked in, and saw a weeshy ould weasened fellow sitting in it, with his
+legs gothered up under him like a tailor. He was dressed in a green coat,
+all covered with goold lace, a red scarlet waistcoat down to his hips, and
+a little three-cornered cocked hat upon the top of his head, with a cock's
+feather sticking out of it as smart as you plase.
+
+"'Good morrow to you, Felix Donovan,' says the small chap, taking off his
+hat to me, as polite as a dancing-masther.
+
+"'Musha! then the tip top of the morning to you,' says I, 'it's ashamed of
+yourself you ought to be, for putting me to such a dale of throuble.'
+
+"'Don't mention it, Felix,' says he, 'I'll be proud to do as much for you
+another time. But why don't you open the box, and let me out? 'tis many a
+long day I have been shut up here in this could dark place.' All the time
+I was only holding the lid partly open.
+
+"'Thank you kindly, my tight fellow,' says myself, quite 'cute; 'maybe you
+think I don't know you, but plase God you'll not stir a peg out of where
+you are until you pay me for my throuble.'
+
+"'Millia murdher!' says the little chap. 'What could a poor crather like
+me have in the world? Haven't I been shut up here without bite or sup?'
+and then he began howling and bating his head agin the side of the box,
+and making most pitiful moans. But I wasn't to be deceived by his thricks,
+so I put down the lid of the box and began to hammer away at it, when he
+roared out,--
+
+"'Tare an' agers! Felix Donovan, sure you won't be so cruel as to shut me
+up again? Open the box, man, till I spake to you.'
+
+"'Well, what do you want now'!' savs I, lifting up the lid the laste taste
+in life.
+
+"'I'll tell you what, Felix, I'll give you twenty goolden guineas if
+you'll let me out.'
+
+"'Soft was your horn, my little fellow; your offer don't shoot.'
+
+"'I'll give you fifty.
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'A hundred.'
+
+"'T won't do. If you were to offer me all the money in the Cork bank I
+wouldn't take it.'
+
+"'What the diaoul will you take then?' says the little ould chap,
+reddening like a turkey-cock in the gills with anger.
+
+"'I'll tell you,' says I, making answer; 'I'll take the three best gifts
+that you can bestow.'"
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Why is a butcher like a language master?--Because he is a _retailer of
+tongues_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE KNATCHBULL TESTIMONIAL.
+
+A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held during the
+past week at the sign of "_The Conservative Cauliflower_," Duck-lane,
+Westminster, for the purpose of presenting an address, and anything else,
+that the meeting might decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his
+patriotic opposition to 'pikes.
+
+Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously called to
+the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to the call, and
+having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand and his pipe with the
+other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and deposited himself in the seat
+of honour. As there was no hammer in the room, the inventive genius of the
+learned chairman, suggested the substitution of his bell, and having
+agitated its clapper three times, and shouted "_Orger_" with stentorian
+emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:--
+
+"Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry, it isn't often
+that a cheer is taken in this room for no other than harmonic meetings or
+club-nights, and it is, therefore, with oncommon pride that I feels myself
+in my present proud persition. (_Werry good! and Hear, hear!_) You are all
+pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this here
+great nation. (_We is! and cheers._) For some years I've had the honour to
+collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I may say; and in my mind the werry
+best standard of a real gentleman is his dust-hole. (_Hear, hear! and He's
+vide avake!_) You're hailed," continued the eloquent Adam, "you're hailed
+by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you pulls up alongside of the curb; you
+collars your basket, and with your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast
+into the hairy; one glance at the dust conwinces you vether you're to have
+sixpence or a swig of lamen-table beer. (_It does! and cheers._) A man as
+sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (_Immense cheering, which was
+rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of Dirk's dangle-dangles,
+otherwise bells._) But you'll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard?
+I'll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear out Sir
+Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories knows what
+_jobs_ is, and pays according-_ly_. (_Here the Meeting gave the
+Conservative Costermonger fire._) The 'pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard
+has jist been werrified, for hasn't he comed forrard to oppose them
+rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair--on enterprising
+higgling and 'twelve in a tax-cart?' need I say I alludes to them blessed
+'pikes? (_Long and continued cheers._) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the
+'pike-men didn't make the dirt that makes the road, and werry justly
+refuses to fork out tuppence-ha'penny! It's werry true Sir Eddard says
+that the t'other taxes must be paid, as what's to pay the ministers? But
+it's highly unreasonable that 'pike-men is to be put alongside of Prime
+Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus polte-ry! Had
+that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a thing it would ha'
+been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and that's the price of a reasonable
+'pike-ticket. That wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum
+of 'Old Tom' is come-atable for the walley of them werry browns. But Sir
+Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour--the 'pikes has it! (_Shame!_)
+It's for us to reward him. I therefore proposes that a collection of
+turnpike tickets is made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and
+glaziered, and presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight." (_Immense
+applause._)
+
+Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen dealer,
+seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that "Old
+'pike-tickets would do as well as new 'uns; and everybody know'd that
+second-hand tumpike-tickets warn't werry waluable, so the thing could be
+done handsome and reasonable."
+
+A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few minutes
+the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan trusts, together
+with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the donor stated "could ony be
+'ad for axing for."
+
+A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this unique
+testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull.
+
+It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the neighbourhood of the
+Metropolis are trying to get up a counter meeting. We have written to Mr.
+Levy on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).
+
+We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned
+for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over
+the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance
+in public. Doubtless, his performance will be _a solo on one string_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+10.--THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION.
+
+[Illustration: T]The morning after the carousal reported in our last
+chapter, the parties thereat assisting are dispersed in various parts of
+London. Did a modern Asmodeus take a spectator to any elevated point from
+which he could overlook the Great Metropolis of Mr. Grant and England just
+at this period, when Aurora has not long called the sun, who rises as
+surlily as if he had got out of bed the wrong way, he would see Mr. Rapp
+ruminating upon things in general whilst seated on some cabbages in Covent
+Garden Market; Mr. Jones taking refreshment with a lamplighter and two
+cabmen at a promenade coffee-stand near Charing Cross, to whom he is
+giving a lecture upon the action of veratria in paralysis, jumbled somehow
+or other with frequent asseverations that he shall at all times be happy
+to see the aforesaid lamplighter and two cabmen at the hospital or his own
+lodgings; Mr. Manhug, with a pocket-handkerchief tied round his head, not
+clearly understanding what has become of his latch-key, but rather
+imagining that he threw it into a lamp instead of the short pipe which
+still remains in the pocket of his pea-jacket, and, moreover, finding
+himself close to London Bridge, is taking a gratuitous doze in the cabin
+of the Boulogne steam-boat, which he ascertains does not start until eight
+o'clock; whilst Mr. Simpson, the new man, with the usual destiny of such
+green productions--thirsty, nauseated, and "coming round"--is safely taken
+care of in one of the small private unfurnished apartments which are let
+by the night on exceedingly moderate terms (an introduction by a policeman
+of known respectability being all the reference that is required) in the
+immediate neighbourhood of the Bow-street Police-office. Where Mr. Muff
+is--it is impossible to form the least idea; he may probably speak for
+himself.
+
+The reader will now please to shift the time and place to two o'clock P.M.
+in the dissecting-room, which is full of students, comprising three we
+have just spoken of, except Mr. Simpson. A message has been received that
+the anatomical teacher is unavoidably detained at an important case in
+private practice, and cannot meet his class to day. Hereupon there is much
+rejoicing amongst the pupils, who gather in a large semicircle round the
+fireplace, and devise various amusing methods of passing the time. Some
+are for subscribing to buy a set of four-corners, to be played in the
+museum when the teachers are not there, and kept out of sight in an old
+coffin when they are not wanted. Others vote for getting up sixpenny
+sweepstakes, and raffling for them with dice--the winner of each to stand
+a pot out of his gains, and add to the goodly array of empty pewters which
+already grace the mantelpiece in bright order, with the exception of two
+irregulars, one of which Mr. Rapp has squeezed flat to show the power of
+his hand; and in the bottom of the other Mr. Manhug has bored a foramen
+with a red-hot poker in a laudable attempt to warm the heavy that it
+contained. Two or three think they had better adjourn to the nearest slate
+table and play a grand pool; and some more vote for tapping the
+preparations in the museum, and making the porter of the dissecting-room
+intoxicated with the grog manufactured from the proof spirit. The various
+arguments are, however, cut short by the entrance of Mr. Muff, who rushes
+into the room, followed by Mr. Simpson, and throwing off his macintosh
+cape, pitches a large fluttering mass of feathers into the middle of the
+circle.
+
+"Halloo, Muff! how are you, my bean--what's up?" is the general
+exclamation.
+
+"Oh, here's a lark!" is all Mr. Muff's reply.
+
+"Lark!" cries Mr. Rapp; "you're drunk, Muff--you don't mean to call that a
+lark!"
+
+"It's a beautiful patriarchal old hen," returns Mr. Muff, "that I bottled
+as she was meandering down the mews; and now I vote we have her for lunch.
+Who's game to kill her?"
+
+Various plans are immediately suggested, including cutting her head off,
+poisoning her with morphia, or shooting her with a little cannon Mr Rapp
+has got in his locker; but at last the majority decide upon hanging her. A
+gibbet is speedily prepared, simply consisting of a thigh-bone laid across
+two high stools; a piece of whip cord is then noosed round the victim's
+neck; and she is launched into eternity, as the newspapers say--Mr. Manhug
+attending to pull her legs.
+
+"Depend upon it that's a humane death," remarks Mr. Jones. "I never tried
+to strangle a fowl but once, and then I twisted its neck bang off. I know
+a capital plan to finish cats though."
+
+"Throw it off--put it up--let's have it," exclaim the circle.
+
+"Well, then; you must get their necks in a slip knot and pull them up to a
+key-hole. They can't hurt you, you know, because you are the other side
+the door.
+
+"Oh, capital--quite a wrinkle," observes Mr. Muff. "But how do you catch
+them first?"
+
+"Put a hamper outside the leads with some valerian in it, and a bit of
+cord tied to the lid. If you keep watch, you may bag half-a-dozen in no
+time; and strange cats are fair game for everybody,--only some of them are
+rum 'uns to bite."
+
+At this moment, a new Scotch pupil, who is lulling himself into the belief
+that he is studying anatomy from some sheep's eyes by himself in the
+Museum, enters the dissecting-room, and mildly asks the porter "what a
+heart is worth?"
+
+"I don't know, sir," shouts Mr. Rapp; "it depends entirely upon what's
+trumps;" whereupon the new Scotch pupil retires to his study as if he was
+shot, followed by several pieces of cinders and tobacco-pipe,
+
+During the preceding conversation, Mr. Muff cuts down the victim with a
+scalpel; and, finding that life has departed, commences to pluck it, and
+perform the usual post-mortem abdominal examinations attendant upon such
+occasions. Mr. Rapp undertakes to manufacture an extempore spit, from the
+rather dilapidated umbrella of the new Scotch pupil, which he has
+heedlessly left in the dissecting-room. This being completed, with the
+assistance of some wire from the ribs of an old skeleton that had hung in
+a corner of the room ever since it was built, the hen is put down to
+roast, presenting the most extraordinary specimen of trussing upon record.
+Mr. Jones undertakes to buy some butter at a shop behind the hospital; and
+Mr. Manhug, not being able to procure any flour, gets some starch from the
+cabinet of the lecturer on Materia Medica, and powders it in a mortar
+which he borrows from the laboratory.
+
+"To revert to cats," observes Mr. Manhug, as he sets himself before the
+fire to superintend the cooking; "it strikes me we could contrive no end
+to fun if we each agreed to bring some here one day in carpet-bags. We
+could drive in plenty of dogs, and cocks, and hens, out of the back
+streets, and then let them all loose together in the dissecting-room."
+
+"With a sprinkling of rats and ferrets," adds Mr. Rapp. "I know a man who
+can let us have as many as we want. The skrimmage would be immense, only I
+shouldn't much care to stay and see it."
+
+"Oh that's nothing," replies Mr. Muff. "Of course, we must get on the roof
+and look at it through the skylights. You may depend upon it, it would be
+the finest card we ever played."
+
+How gratifying to every philanthropist must be these proofs of the
+elasticity of mind peculiar to a Medical Student! Surrounded by scenes of
+the most impressive and deplorable nature--in constant association with
+death and contact with disease--his noble spirit, in the ardour of his
+search after professional information, still retains its buoyancy and
+freshness; and he wreaths with roses the hours which he passes in the
+dissecting-room, although the world in general looks upon it as a rather
+unlikely locality for those flowers to shed their perfume over!
+
+"By the way, Muff, where did you get to last night after we all cut?"
+inquires Mr. Rapp.
+
+"Why, that's what I am rather anxious to find out myself," replies Mr.
+Muff; "but I think I can collect tolerably good reminiscences of my
+travels."
+
+"Tell us all about it then," cry three or four.
+
+"With pleasure--only let's have in a little more beer; for the heat of the
+fire in cooking produces rather too rapid an evaporation of fluids from
+the surface of the body."
+
+"Oh, blow your physiology!" says Rapp. "You mean to say you've got a hot
+copper--so have I. Send for the precious balm, and then fire away."
+
+And accordingly, when the beer arrives, Mr. Muff proceeds with the recital
+of his wanderings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE AND HYMEN.
+
+  Cupid (that charming little _garcon_),
+    When free, is am'rous, brisk, and gay;
+  But when he's noos'd by Hymen's parson,
+    Snores like _Glenelg_, or flies away.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR CITY ARTICLE.
+
+An alarming forgery of Mendicity Society's tickets has been discovered in
+Red Lion Square, and has caused much conversation at the doors of most of
+the gin palaces. Our readers are probably aware what these tickets are,
+though, being a particular class of security, there is not a great deal
+publicly done in them. They are issued to certain subscribers, who pay a
+guinea per year towards housing a Secretary and some other officers in a
+moderate-sized house, in the kitchen of which certain soup is prepared,
+which is partaken of by a number of persons called the Board, who are said
+to taste it and see that it is good; and if there is any left, which may
+occasionally happen, the poor are allowed to finish it. This valuable
+privilege is secured by tickets; and these tickets are found to be forged
+to a very large amount--some say indeed to the amount of 14,000 basins. It
+is not usual to pay off these soup tickets, but a sort of interest can be
+had upon them by standing just over the railings of the house in Red Lion
+Square, when the Secretary's dinner is being cooked or served up, and a
+certain amount of savoury steam is then put into circulation. The house
+has been besieged all day with "innocent holders," who, on giving their
+tickets in, cannot get them back again. The genuine tickets are known by
+the stamp, which is a soup plate _rampant_, and a spoon _argent_,--the
+latter being the emblem of the subscribers.
+
+A great deal is said of a new company, whose object is to take advantage
+of a well-known fact in chemistry. It is known that diamonds can be
+resolved into charcoal, as well as that charcoal can be ultimately reduced
+to air; and a company is to be founded with the view of simply _reversing
+the process_. Instead of getting air from diamonds, their object will be
+to get diamonds from air; and in fact the chief promoters of it have
+generally drawn from that source the greater part of their capital. The
+whole sum for shares need not be paid up at once; but the Directors will
+be satisfied in the first instance with 10 per cent. on the whole sum to
+be raised from the adventurers. It is intended to declare a dividend at
+the earliest possible period, which will be directly the first diamond has
+been made by the new process.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CON. BY SIBTHORP AND STULTZ.
+
+Why are batteries and soldiers like the hands and feet of
+tailors?--Because the former make breaches (_breeches_), and the latter
+pass through them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP.
+
+SIP THE THIRD. GOS-SIP.
+
+  That hour devoted to thy vesper "service"--
+    Dulcet exhilaration! glorious tea!--
+  I deem my happiest. Howsoe'er I swerve, as
+    To mind or morals, elsewhere, over thee
+  I am a perfect creature, quite impervious
+    To care, or tribulation, or _ennui_--
+  In fact, I do agnize to thee an utter
+  Devotion even to the bread and butter.
+
+  The homely kettle hissing on the bar--
+    (Urns I detest, irrelevant pomposities)--
+  The world beyond the window-blinds, as far
+    As I can thrust it--this defines what "cosset" is--
+  What woe that rhyme such scene of bliss must mar!
+    But rhyme, alas! is one of my atrocities;
+  In common with those bards who have the scratch
+  Of writing, and are all right with Catnach.
+
+  "How Nancy Sniggles was the village pride,--
+    How Will, her sweetheart, went to be a sailor;
+  How much at parting Nancy Sniggles cried,--
+    And how she snubb'd her funny friend the tailor;
+  How William boldly fought and bravely died;
+    How Nancy Sniggles felt her senses fail her--"
+  Then comes a sad _dénouement_--now-a-days
+  It is not virtue dominant that pays.
+
+  Such tales, in this, the post-octavo age,
+    Our novelists incontinently tells us--
+  Tales, wherein lovely heroines engage
+    With highwaymen, good-looking rogues but callous,
+  Who go on swimmingly till the last page,
+    And then take poison to escape the gallows--
+  Tales, whose original refinement teaches
+  The pride of eloquence in--dying speeches!
+
+  What an apotheosis have we here!
+    What equal laws th' awards of fame dispose!
+  Capture a fort--assassinate a peer--
+    Alike be chronicled in startling prose--
+  Alike be dramatised--(how near
+    Is clever crime to virtue!)--at Tussaud's
+  Be grouped with all the criminals at large,
+  From burglar Sheppard unto fiend Laffarge!
+
+  The women are best judges after all!
+    And Sheridan was right, and Plagi-ary;
+  To their decision all things mundane fall,
+    From court to counting-house; from square to dairy;
+  From caps to chemistry; from tract to shawl,
+    And then these female verdicts never vary!
+  In fact, on lap-dogs, lovers, buhl, and boddices,
+  There are no critics like these mortal goddesses!
+
+  To please such readers, authors make it answer
+    To trace a pedigree to the creation
+  Of some old Saxon peer; a monstrous grandsire,
+    Whose battles tell, in print, to admiration--
+  But I, unfortunate, have never once a
+    Mysterious hint of any great relation;
+  I know whether Shem or Japhet--right sir--
+  Was my progenitor--nor care a kreutzer.
+
+  For, though there's matter for regret in losing
+    An opportune occasion to record
+  The feats in gambling, duelling, seducing--
+    Conventional acquirements of a lord--
+  Still I have stories startling and amusing,
+    Which I can tell and vouch, upon my word.
+  To anybody who desires to hear 'em--
+  But don't be nervous, pray,--you needn't fear 'em.
+
+  But what of my poor Hy-son all this while?
+    She saved the gardener by a timely kiss.
+  Few husbands are there proof against a smile,
+    And Te-pott's rage endured no more than this.
+  Ah, reader! gentle, moral, free from guile,
+    Think you she did so _very_ much amiss?
+  She was not love-sick for the fellow quite--
+  She merely _thought_ of him--from morn till night!
+
+  A state of mind how much by parents dreaded!
+    (By those outrageous parents, English mammas,
+  Who scarcely own their daughters till they're wedded)--
+    How postulant of patent Chubbs and Bramahs!
+  And eyes--the safest locks when locks are needed!--
+    And Abigails, and homilies, and grammars;
+  And other antidotes for "detrimentals"--
+  _Id est_, fine gentlemen unblest with rentals.
+
+  But this could not stop here; nor did it stop--
+    For both were anxious for--an explanation.
+  And in the harem's grating was a gap,
+    Whence Hy-son peep'd in modest hesitation;
+  While on his spade the gardener would prop
+    Himself, and issue looks of adoration;
+  Until it happen'd, like a lucky rhyme,
+  Each for the other look'd at the same time.
+
+  Then fell the gardener upon his knees,
+    And kiss'd his hand in manner most devout--
+  So Hy-son couldn't find the heart to tease
+    The poor dear man by being in a pout;--
+  Besides, she might go walk among the trees,
+    And not a word of scandal be made out.
+  She thought a--very--little more upon it,
+  Then smiled to Sou-chong,--and put on her bonnet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH AND THE SWISS GIANTESS!
+
+SHERIFFS' COURT.--WEDNESDAY.
+
+BONBON _versus_ PUNCH.
+
+    [This important cause came on for trial on Wednesday last. That it
+    has not been reported in the morning papers is doubtless to be
+    attributed to the most reckless bribery on the part of the
+    plaintiff. He has, no doubt, sought to hush up his infamy; the
+    defendant has no such contemptible cowardice. Hence a special
+    reporter was engaged for PUNCH. The trial is given here, firstly,
+    for the beautiful illustration it affords of the philosophy of the
+    English law of _crim. con._; and secondly on a principle--for
+    PUNCH has principles--laid down by the defendant in his course of
+    public life, to show himself to the world the man he really is. In
+    pursuit of this moral and philosophical object, should the
+    waywardness of his genius ever induce PUNCH to cut a throat, pick
+    a pocket, or, as a Middlesex magistrate (for PUNCH has been upon
+    the bench many a year), to offer for sale a tempting lot of
+    liberty to any competent captive,--should PUNCH rob as a vulgar
+    Old Bailey delinquent, or genteelly swindle as an Aldermanic
+    share-holder,--in each and every of these cases there will, _on
+    discovery_, be the fullest report of the same in PUNCH'S own
+    paper, PUNCH being deeply impressed with the belief that an
+    exhibition of the weaknesses of a great man is highly beneficial
+    to public philosophy and public morals. PUNCH now retires in
+    favour of his "own" reporter.]
+
+As early as six o'clock in the morning, the neighbourhood of the court
+presented a most lively and bustling aspect. Carriages continued to arrive
+from the west-end; and we recognised scores of ladies whose names are
+familiar to the readers of the _Court Journal_ and _Morning Post_. Several
+noblemen, amateurs of the subject, arrived on horseback. By eight o'clock
+the four sides of Red Lion-square were, if we may be allowed the metaphor,
+a mass of living heads. We owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Davis, the
+respected and conscientious officer for the Sheriff of Middlesex; that
+gentleman, in the kindest spirit of hospitality, allowing us six inches of
+his door-step when the crowd was at its greatest pressure. Several inmates
+of Mr. Davis's delightful mansion had a charming view of the scene from
+the top windows, where we observed bars of the most picturesque and _moyen
+age_ description. At ten minutes to nine, Mr. Charles Phillips, counsel
+for the plaintiff, arrived in Lamb's Conduit-passage, and was loudly
+cheered. On the appearance of Mr. Adolphus, counsel for the defendant, a
+few miscreants in human shape essayed groans and hisses; they were,
+however, speedily put down by the New Police.
+
+We entered the court at nine o'clock. The galleries were crowded with
+rank, beauty, and fashion. Conflicting odours of lavender, musk, and _Eau
+de Cologne_ emanated from ladies on the bench, most of whom were furnished
+with opera-glasses, sandwich-boxes, and species of flasks, vulgarly known
+as pocket-pistols. In all our experience we never recollect such a thrill
+as that shot through the court, when the crier of the same called out--
+
+BONBON _v_. PUNCH!
+
+Mr. SMITH (a young yet rising barrister with green spectacles) with
+delicate primness opened the case. A considerable pause, when--
+
+Mr. CHARLES PHILLIPS, having successfully struggled with his feelings,
+rose to address the court for the plaintiff. The learned gentleman said it
+had been his hard condition as a barrister to see a great deal of human
+wickedness; but the case which, most reluctantly, he approached that day,
+made him utterly despair of the heart of man. He felt ashamed of his two
+legs, knowing that the defendant in this case was a biped. He had a horror
+of the mysterious iniquities of human nature--seeing that the defendant
+was a man, a housekeeper, and, what in this case trebled his infamy, a
+husband and a father. Gracious Heaven! when he reflected--but no; he would
+confine himself to a simple statement of facts. That simplicity would tell
+with a double-knock on the hearts of a susceptible jury. The afflicted,
+the agonised plaintiff was a public man. He was, until lately, the happy
+possessor of a spotless wife and an inimitable spring-van. It was was a
+union assented to by reason, smiled on by prudence. Mr. Bonbon was the
+envied owner of a perambulating exhibition: he counted among his riches a
+Spotted Boy, a New Zealand Cannibal, and a Madagascar Cow. The crowning
+rose was, however, to be gathered, and he plucked, and (as he fondly
+thought) made his own for ever, the Swiss Giantess! Mr. Bonbon had wealth
+in his van--the lady had wealth in herself; hence it was, in every
+respect, what the world would denominate an equal match.
+
+The learned counsel said he would call witnesses to prove the blissful
+atmosphere in which the parties lived, until the defendant, like a
+domestic upas-tree, tainted and polluted it. That van was another Eden,
+until PUNCH, the serpent, entered. The lady was a native of
+Switzerland--yes, of Switzerland. Oh, that he (the learned gentleman)
+could follow her to her early home!--that he could paint her with the
+first blush and dawn of innocence, tinting her virgin cheek as the morning
+sun tinted the unsullied snows of her native Jungfrau!--that he could lead
+the gentlemen of the jury to that Swiss cottage where the gentle Félicité
+(such was the lady's name) lisped her early prayer--that he could show
+them the mountains that had echoed with her songs (since made so very
+popular by Madame Stockhausen)--that he could conjure up in that court the
+goats whose lacteal fluid was wont to yield to the pressure of her virgin
+fingers--the kids that gambolled and made holiday about her--the birds
+that whistled in her path--the streams that flowed at her feet--the
+avalanches, with their majestic thunder, that fell about her. Would he
+could subpoena such witnesses! then would the jury feel, what his poor
+words could never make them feel--the loss of his injured client. On one
+hand would be seen the simple Swiss maiden--a violet among the rocks--a
+mountain dove--an inland pearl--a rainbow of the glaciers--a creature pure
+as her snows, but not as cold; and on the other the fallen wife--a
+monument of shame! This was a commercial country; and the jury would learn
+with additional horror that it was in the sweet confidence of a commercial
+transaction that the defendant obtained access to his interesting victim.
+Yes, gentlemen, (said Mr. P.,) it was under the base, the heartless, the
+dastardly excuse of business, that the plaintiff poured his venom in the
+ear of a too confiding woman. He had violated the sacred bonds of human
+society--the noblest ties that hold the human heart--the sweetest tendrils
+that twine about human affections. This should be shown to the jury.
+Letters from the plaintiff would be read, in which his heart--or rather
+that ace of spades he carried in his breast and called his heart--would be
+laid bare in open court. But the gentlemen of the jury would teach a
+terrible lesson that day. They would show that the socialist should not
+guide his accursed bark into the tranquil seas of domestic comfort, and
+anchor it upon the very hearthstone of conjugal felicity. No--as the
+gentlemen of the jury were husbands and fathers, as they were fathers and
+not husbands, as they were neither one nor the other, but hoped to be
+both--they would that day hurl such a thunderbolt at the pocket of the
+defendant--they would so thrice-gild the incurable ulcers of the
+plaintiff, that all the household gods of the United Empire would hymn
+them to their mighty rest, and Hymen himself keep continual carnival at
+their amaranthine hearths. "Gentlemen of the jury (said the learned
+counsel in conclusion), I leave you with a broken heart in your hands! A
+broken heart, gentlemen! Creation's masterpiece, flawed cracked, SHIVERED
+TO BITS! See how the blood flows from it--mark where its strings are cut
+and cut--its delicate fibres violated--its primitive aroma evaporated to
+all the winds of heaven. Make that heart your own, gentlemen, and say at
+how many pounds you value the demoniac damage. And oh, may your verdict
+still entitle you to the blissful confidence of that divine, purpureal
+sex, the fairest floral specimens of which I see before me! May their
+unfolding fragrance make sweet your daily bread; and when you die, from
+the tears of conjugal love, may thyme and sweet marjoram spring and
+blossom above your graves!"
+
+Here the emotion of the court was unparalleled in the memory of the oldest
+attorney. Showers of tears fell from the gallery, so that there was a
+sudden demand for umbrellas.
+
+The learned counsel sat down, and, having wiped his eyes, ate a sandwich.
+
+There were other letters, but we have selected the least glowing. Mr.
+Charles Phillips then called his witnesses.
+
+Peter Snooks examined: Was employed by plaintiff; recollected defendant
+coming to the van to propose a speculation, in which Madame Bonbon was to
+play with him. Defendant came very often when plaintiff was out. Once
+caught Madame Bonbon on defendant's knee. Once heard Madame Bonbon say,
+"Bless your darling nose!" Was sure it was defendant's nose. Was shocked
+at her levity, but consented to go for gin--Madame found the money. Had a
+glass myself, and drank their healths. Plaintiff never beat his wife; he
+couldn't: they were of very uneven habits; she was seven feet four,
+plaintiff was four feet seven.
+
+Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Plaintiff was dreadfully afflicted at
+infidelity of his wife: had become quite desperate--never sober since; was
+never sober before. On first night of the news plaintiff was quite
+delirious; took six plates of alamode beef, and two pots of porter.
+
+Sarah Pillowcase examined: Was chambermaid at the Tinder-box and Flint,
+New Cut; had known defendant since she was a child--also knew plaintiff's
+wife. They came together on the 1st of April, about twelve at night.
+Understood they had been in a private box at the Victoria with an order.
+They had twelve dozen of oysters for supper, and eight Welch-rabbits: the
+lady found the money. Thought, of course, they were married, or would
+rather have died than have served them. They made a hearty breakfast: the
+lady found the money.
+
+Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Would swear to the lady, as she had once
+paid a shilling to see her.
+
+(Here it was intimated by the learned judge that ladies might leave the
+court if they chose; it was evident, however, that no lady heard such
+intimation, as no lady stirred.)
+
+Cross-examination continued: Yes, would swear it. Knew the obligation of
+an oath, and would swear it.
+
+This ended the case for the plaintiff.
+
+Mr. ADOLPHUS addressed the court for the defendant. He had not the golden
+tongue--no, he was not blessed with the oratory of his learned friend. He
+would therefore confine himself to the common sense view of the question.
+He was not talking to Arcadian shepherds (he was very happy to see his own
+butcher in the jury-box), but to men of business. If there had been any
+arts practised, it was on the side of the plaintiff's wife. His client had
+visited the plaintiff out of pure compassion. The plaintiff's show was a
+failing concern; his client, with a benevolence which had marked his long
+career, wished to give him the benefit of his own attractions, joined to
+those of the woman. Well, the plaintiff knew the value of money, and
+therefore left his wife and the defendant to arrange the affair between
+them. "Gentlemen of the jury," continued the learned counsel, "it must
+appear to you, that on the part of the plaintiff this is not an affair of
+the heart, but a matter of the breeches' pocket. He leaves his wife--a
+fascinating, versatile creature--with my client, I confess it, an
+acknowledged man of gallantry. Well, the result is--what was to be
+expected. My learned friend has dwelt, with his accustomed eloquence, on
+his client's broken heart. I will not speak of his heart; but I must say
+that the man who, bereaved of the partner of his bosom, can still eat six
+plates of alamode beef, must have a most excellent stomach. Gentlemen,
+beware of giving heavy damages in this case, or otherwise you will
+unconsciously be the promoters of great immorality. This is no paradox,
+gentlemen; for I am credibly informed that if the man succeed in getting
+large damages, he will immediately take his wife home to his bosom and his
+van, and instead of exhibiting her, as he has hitherto done, for one
+penny, he will, on the strength of the notoriety of this trial, and as a
+man knowing the curiosity of society, immediately advance that penny to
+threepence. You will, therefore, consider your verdict, gentlemen, and
+give such moderate damages as will entirely mend the plaintiff's broken
+heart."
+
+The jury, without retiring from the box, returned a verdict of "Damages
+One Farthing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are credibly informed--though the evidence was not adduced in
+court--that Monsieur Bonbon first suspected his dishonour from his wife's
+hair papers. She had most negligently curled her tresses in the soft paper
+epistles of her _innamorato_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XXI.
+
+[Illustration: CUPID OUT OF PLACE.
+
+_From a Sketch made in "THE PALMERSTON GALLERY."_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FETES FOR THE POLISH--AND FATE OF THE BRITISH POOR.
+
+"Charity begins at home," says, or rather said, an admirable old proverb;
+but alack! the adage, or the times, or both, are out of joint--the
+wholesome maxim has lost its force--and homes for Charity must now be far
+as the _Poles_ asunder, ere the benign influence of the weeping goddess
+can fall upon its wretched supplicants.
+
+In private life the neglect of a domestic hearth for the vainglorious
+squandering abroad of the means that could and ought to render that the
+chief seat of comfort and independence, calls down upon the thoughtless
+and heartless squanderer and abuser of his means the just indignation and
+merited contempt of every thinking and properly constituted mind. The
+"Charity" that does not begin at home is the worst species of
+unjustifiable prodigality, and the first step to the absolute ruin of the
+"nearest and dearest" for the sake of the profligate and abandoned. And no
+sophistry can justify the apparent liberality that deprives others of
+their just and urgent dues.
+
+It may be and is most noble to feed the widow and to clothe the orphan;
+but where is the beneficence of the deed if the wife and children of the
+ostentatious donor--the victims of the performance of such acts--are left
+themselves to endure misery and privations, from which his inadequate
+means cannot exempt the stranger and the giver's own household!
+
+The sparrow who unwittingly rears the cuckoo's spurious offspring, tending
+with care the ultimate destroyer of its own young, does so in perfect
+ignorance of the results about to follow the misplaced affection. The
+cravings of the interloper are satisfied to the detriment of its own
+offspring; and when the full-fledged recipient of its misplaced bounty no
+longer needs its aid, the thankless stranger wings its way on its far-off
+course, selfishly careless of the fostering bird that brought it into
+life; and this may be looked upon as one of the results generally
+attendant upon a blind forgetfulness of _where_ our first endeavours for
+the amelioration of the wants of others should be made.
+
+It has ever been the crying sin of the vastly sympathetic to weep for the
+miseries of the distant, and blink at the wretchedness their eyes--if not
+their hearts--must ache to see. Their charity must have its proper stage,
+their sentiments the proper objects,--and their imaginations the
+undisturbed right to revel in the supposititious grievances of the far-off
+wretched and oppressed. The poor black man! the tortured slave! the
+benighted infidel! the debased image of his maker! the sunken bondsman!
+These terms must be the "Open sesame" for the breasts from whence spring
+bibles, bribes, blankets, glass beads, pocket-combs, tracts, teachers,
+missions, and missionaries. Oppression is what they would put down; but
+then the oppression must be of "foreign manufacture." Your English,
+genuine home-made article, though as superior in strength and endurance as
+our own canvas is to the finest fold of gauze-like cambric, is in their
+opinion a thing not worth a thought. A half oppressed Caffre is an object
+of ten thousand times more sympathy than a wholly oppressed Englishman; a
+half-starved Pole the more fitting recipient of the same proportion of
+actual bounty to a wholly starving peasant of our own land of law and
+liberty.
+
+Let one-tenth the disgusting details so nobly exposed in the _Times_
+newspaper, as to the frightful state of some of our legalised poor law
+inquisitions, appear as extracts from the columns of a _foreign_ journal,
+stating such treatment to exist amongst a foreign population, and mark the
+result. Why, the town would teem with meetings and the papers with
+speeches. Royal, noble, and honourable chairmen and vice chairmen would
+launch out their just anathemas against the heartless despots whose realms
+were disgraced by such atrocities. Think, think of the aged poor torn from
+their kindred, caged in a prison, refused all aid within, debarred from
+every hope without,--think of the flesh, the very flesh, rotting by slow
+degrees, and then in putrid masses falling from their wretched bones:
+think, we say, on this--then give what name you can, save murder, to their
+quickly succeeding death.
+
+Fancy children--children that should be in their prime--so caged and fed
+that the result is disease in its most loathsome form, and with all its
+most appalling consequences! No hope! no flight! The yet untainted, as it
+were, chained to the spot, with mute despair watching the slow infection,
+and with breaking hearts awaiting the hour--the moment--when it _must_
+reach to them!
+
+We say, think of these things--not as if they were the doings in England,
+and therefore legalised matters of course--but think of them as the arts
+of some despot in a far-off colony, and oh, how all hearts would burn--all
+tongues curse and call for vengeance on the abetors of such atrocities!
+
+The supporters of the rights of man would indeed pour forth their eloquent
+denunciations against the oppressors of the absent. The poetry of passion
+would be exhausted to depict the frightful state of the crimeless and
+venerable victim of tyranny, bowing his grey hairs with sorrow to the
+grave; while the wailing of the helpless innocents _different indeed in
+colour_, but in heart and spirit like ourselves, being sprung from the one
+great source, would echo throughout the land, and find responses in every
+bosom not lost to the kindly feelings of good-will towards its fellows!
+Had the would-be esteemed philanthropists but these "_foreign cues_ for
+passion," they would indeed
+
+          "Drown the stage with tears,
+  And cleave the general ear with horrid speech;
+  Make mad the guilty, and appal the free;
+  Confound the ignorant; and amaze, indeed,
+  The very faculties of eyes and ears."
+
+But, alas! there is no such motive; these most destitute of Destitution's
+children are simply fellow-countrymen and fellow-Christians. Sons of the
+same soil, and worshippers of the same God, they need no good works in the
+way of proselyzation to save them from eternal perdition; consequently
+they receive no help to keep them from temporal torture.
+
+To convince themselves that these remarks are neither unwarrantably
+severe, nor in the slightest degree overcharged, let our readers not only
+refer to the revolting doings chronicled in the _Times_, but let them find
+the further illustration of this _foreign penchant_ in the recent doings
+at the magnificently-attended ball given in behalf of the _Polish
+Refugees_, and consequently commanding the support of the humane,
+enlightened, and charitable English; and then let them cast their eyes
+over the cold shoulder turned towards a proposition for the _same_ act of
+charity being consummated for the relief of the poverty-stricken and
+starving families of the destitute and deserving artisans now literally
+starving under their very eyes, located no farther off than in the
+wretched locality of Spitalfields! An opinion--and doubtless an honest
+one--is given by the Lord Mayor, that any attempt to relieve _their
+wants_, in the way found so efficacious for _the Polish Refugees_, would
+be madness, inasmuch as it would, _as heretofore_, prove an absolute
+failure. Reader, is there anything of the cuckoo and the sparrow in the
+above assertion? Is it not true? And if it is so, is it not a more than
+crying evil? Is it not a most vile blot upon our laws--a most beastly
+libel upon our creed and our country? Is no relief ever to be given to the
+immediate objects who should be the persons benefited by our bounty? Are
+those who, in the prosperity proceeding from their unceasing and ill-paid
+toil, added their quota to the succour of others, now that poverty has
+fallen on them, to be left the sport of fortune and the slaves of
+suffering? Do good, we say, in God's name, to all, if good can be done to
+all. But do not rob the lamb of its natural due--its mother's
+nourishment--to waste it on an alien. There is no spirit of illiberality
+in these remarks; they are put forward to advocate the rights of our own
+destitute countrymen--to claim for them a share of the lavish
+commiseration bestowed on others--to call attention to the desolation of
+_their_ hearths--the wreck of their comforts--the awful condition of their
+starving and dependent families--and to give the really charitable an
+opportunity of reserving some of their kindnesses for home consumption.
+Let this be their _just_ object, and not one among the relieved would
+withhold his mite from their suffering fellows in other climes. But in
+Heaven's name, let the adage root itself once more in every Englishman's
+"heart of hearts," and once more let "Charity begin at home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FIRE AT THE ADELPHI THEATRE.
+
+Yates was nearly treating the enlightened British public with an antidote
+to "the vast receptacle of 8,000 tons of water," by setting fire to the
+saloon chimney. Great as the consternation of the audience was in the
+front, it was far exceeded by the alarm of the actors behind the curtain,
+for they are so sensible of the manager's daring genius, that they
+concluded he had set fire to the house in order to convert "the space
+usually devoted to _illusion_ into the area of reality." The great Mr.
+Freeborn actually rushed out of the theatre without his rouge. Little Paul
+drank off a glass of neat water. Mr. John Sanders was met at the end of
+Maiden Lane, with his legs thrust into the sleeves of his coat, and the
+rest of his body encased in the upper part of a property dragon; whilst
+little round Wilkinson was vainly endeavouring to squeeze himself into a
+wooden waterspout. Had he succeeded he might have applied for the reward
+offered by the Royal Society for a method of
+
+[Illustration:  SQUARING THE CIRCLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CRIMES OF EATING.
+
+[Illustration: S]Sir Robert Peel and her Majesty's Ministers have, we
+learn, taken a hint in criminal jurisprudence from his Worship the Mayor
+of Reading, and are now preparing a bill for Parliament, which they trust
+will be the means of checking the alarming desire for food which has begun
+to spread amongst the poorer classes of society. The crime of eating has
+latterly been indulged in to such an immoderate extent by the operatives
+of Yorkshire and the other manufacturing districts, that we do not wonder
+at our sagacious Premier adopting strong measures to suppress the
+unnatural and increasing appetites of the people.
+
+Taking up the sound judicial views of the great functionary above alluded
+to, who committed Bernard Cavanagh, the fasting man, to prison for
+smelling at a saveloy and a slice of ham, Sir Robert has laid down a
+graduated--we mean a _sliding--scale_ of penalties for the crime of
+eating, proportioning, with the most delicate skill, the exact amount of
+the punishment to the enormity of the offence. By his profound wisdom he
+has discovered that the great increase of crime in these countries is
+entirely attributable to over-feeding the multitude. Like the worthy Mr.
+Bumble, in "Oliver Twist," he protests "it is meat and not madness" that
+ails the people. He can even trace the origin of every felony to the
+particular kind of food in which the felon has indulged. He detects
+incipient incendiarism in eggs and fried bacon--homicide in an Irish
+stew--robbery and house-breaking in a basin of mutton-broth--and an
+aggravated assault in a pork sausage. Upon this noble and statesmanlike
+theory Sir Robert has based a bill which, when it becomes the law of the
+land, will, we feel assured, tend effectually to keep the rebellious
+stomachs of the people in a state of wholesome depletion. And as we now
+punish those offenders who break the Queen's peace, we shall, in like
+manner, then inflict the law upon the hungry scoundrels who dare to break
+the Queen's Fast.
+
+We have been enabled, through a private source, to obtain the following
+authentic copy of Sir Robert's scale of the offences under the intended
+Act, with the penalty attached to each, viz.:
+
+    For penny rolls or busters         Imprisonment not exceeding a
+                                         week.
+
+    For bread of any kind, with        Imprisonment for a month.
+      cheese or butter
+
+    For saveloys, German sausages,     One month's imprisonment, with
+      and Black puddings                 hard labour.
+
+    For a slice of ham, bacon, or      Imprisonment for three months,
+      meat of any kind                   and exercise on the treadmill.
+
+    For a hearty dinner on beef and    Transportation for seven years.
+      pudding
+
+    For do. with a pot of home-brewed  Transportation for life.
+      ale.
+
+As these offences apply only to those who have no right to eat, the
+wealthy and respectable portion of society need be under no apprehension
+that they will be exposed to any inconvenience by the operation of the new
+law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOBODY CARES AND*
+
+WELLINGTON has justified his claim to the _sobriquet_ of 'the iron Duke'
+by the manner in which he treated the deputation from Paisley. His Grace
+excused himself from listening to the tale of misery which several
+gentlemen had travelled 500 miles to narrate to him, on the plea that he
+was not a Minister of the Crown. Yet we have a right to presume that the
+Queen prorogued Parliament upon his Grace's recommendation, so if he be
+not one of Peel's Cabinet what is he? We suppose
+
+[Illustration: * NOBODY NOSE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HINTS HOW TO ENJOY AN OMNIBUS.
+
+1. On getting in, care neither for toes or knees of the passengers; but
+drive your way up to the top, steadying yourself by the shoulders, chests,
+or even faces of those seated.
+
+2. Seat yourself with a jerk, pushing against one neighbour, and thrusting
+your elbow into the side of the other. You will thus get plenty of room.
+
+3. If possible, enter with a stick or umbrella, pointed at full length; so
+that any sudden move of the "bus" may thrust it into some one's stomach.
+It will make you feared.
+
+4. When seated, occupy, if possible, the room of two, and revenge the
+treatment you have received on entering, by throwing every opposition in
+the way of a new-comer, especially if it be a woman with a child in her
+arms. It is a good plan to rest firmly on your umbrella, with your arms at
+right angles.
+
+5. Open or shut windows as it suits you; men with colds, or women with
+toothaches, have no business in omnibuses. If they don't like it, they can
+get out; no one _forces_ them to ride.
+
+6. Young bucks may stare any decent woman out of countenance, put their
+legs up along the seats, and if going out to dinner, wipe the mud off
+their boots on the seats. They are only plush.
+
+7. If middle-aged gentlemen are musical or political, they can dislocate a
+tune in something between a bark and a grumble, or endeavour to provoke an
+argument by declaring very loudly that Lord R---- or the Duke "is a
+thorough scoundrel," according to their opinion of public affairs.  If
+this don't take, they can keep up a perpetual squabble with the conductor,
+which will show they think themselves of some importance.
+
+8. Ladies wishing to be agreeable can bring lap dogs, large paper parcels,
+and children, to whom an omnibus is a ship, though you wish you were out
+of their reach.
+
+9. Conductors should particularly aim to take up laundresses returning
+with a large family washing, bakers and butchers in their working jackets,
+and, if a wet day, should be particular not to pull up to the pathway.
+
+10. For want of space, the following brevities must suffice:--Never say
+where you wish to stop until after you have passed the place, and then
+pull them up with a sudden jerk.  Keep your money in your
+waistcoat-pocket, and button your under and upper coat completely, and
+never attempt to get at it until the door is opened, and then let it be
+nothing under a five-shilling piece. Never ask any one to speak to the
+conductor for you, but hit or poke him with your umbrella or stick, or rap
+his hand as it rests on the door. He puts it there on purpose. Always stop
+the wrong omnibus, and ask if the Paddington goes to Walworth, and the
+Kennington to Whitechapel: you are not obliged to read all the rigmarole
+they paint on the outside. Finally, consider an omnibus as a carriage, a
+bed, a public-house, a place of amusement, or a boxing-ring, where you may
+ride, sleep, smoke, chaff, or quarrel, as it may suit you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PETER THE GREAT (FOOL?)
+
+The following colloquy occurred between a candidate for suicidal fame and
+the City's Peter Laureate:--
+
+"So, sir, you tried to hang yourself, did you?"
+
+"In course I did, or I should not have put my head in the noose."
+
+"You had no business to do so."
+
+"I did it for my pleasure, not for business."
+
+"I'll let you see, sir, you shan't do it either for fun or earnest."
+
+"Are you a Tory, Sir Peter?"
+
+"A Tory, sir! No, sir; I'm a magistrate."
+
+"Ah, that's why you interfere; you must be a low Rad, or you wouldn't
+prevent a man from
+
+[Illustration: DOING WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS HONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WISE MAN OF THE EAST.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE begs Punch to inform him, which of Arabia's Children is
+alluded to in Moore's beautiful ballad,
+
+  "Farewell to thee, Araby's daughter."
+
+He presumes it is Miss Elizabeth, commonly called _Bess-Arabia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VII.
+
+    I love the night with its mantle dark,
+      That hangs like a cloak on the face of the sky;
+    Oh what to me is the song of the lark?
+      Give me the owl; and I'll tell you why.
+    It is that at night I can walk abroad,
+      Which I may not do in the garish day,
+    Without being met in the streets, and bored
+      By some cursed dun, that I cannot pay.
+                No! no! night let it ever be:
+  The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!
+
+    Then tempt me not with thy soft guitar,
+      And thy voice like the sound of a silver bell,
+    To take a stroll, where the cold ones are
+      Who in lanes, not of trees but of fetters[1], dwell.
+    But wait until night upsets its ink
+      On the earth, on the sea, and all over the sky,
+    And then I'll go to the wide world's brink
+      With the girl I love, without feeling shy.
+                Oh, then, may it night for ever be!
+  The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!
+
+    But you turn aside! Ah! did you know,
+      What by searching the office you'd plainly see,
+    That I'm hunted down, like a (Richard) Roe,
+      You'd not thus avert your eyes from me.
+    Oh never did giant look after Thumb
+      (When the latter was keeping out of the way)
+    With a more tremendous fee-fo-fum
+      Than I'm pursued by a dread _fi-fa_.
+    Too-whit! too-whit! is the owl's sad song!
+      A writ! a writ! a writ! when mid the throng,
+    Is ringing in my ears the whole day long.
+                Ah me! night let it be:
+  The owl! the stately owl! is the bird--yes, the bird for me!
+
+    [1] Fetter-lane is clearly alluded to by the poet. It is believed
+        to be the bailiffs' quarter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+POPISH RED-DRESS.
+
+The _Examiner_ states that there is no such fabric as scarlet cloth made
+in Ireland. If this be true, the Lady of Babylon, who is said to reside in
+that country, and to be addicted to scarlet clothing, must be in a very
+destitute condition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SPOON CASE.
+
+A well-dressed individual has lately been visiting the lodging-house
+keepers of the metropolis. He engages lodgings--but being, as he says,
+just arrived from a long journey, he begs to have dinner before he returns
+to the Coach-Office for his luggage. This request being usually complied
+with, the new lodger, while the table is being laid, watches his
+opportunity and bolts with the silver spoons. Sir Peter Laurie says, that
+since this practice of filching the spoons has commenced, he does not feel
+himself safe in his own house. He only hopes the thief may be brought
+before him, and he promises to give him his _dessert_, by committing him
+without
+
+[Illustration: STANDING UPON CEREMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DAB FOR LAURIE.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, on a recent visit to Billingsgate for the purpose of
+making what he calls a _pisciatery_ tour, was much astonished at the
+vigorous performance of various of the real "live fish," some of which, as
+he sagely remarked, appeared to be perfect "Dabs" at jumping, and no doubt
+legitimate descendants from some particularly
+
+[Illustration: MERRY OLD SOLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORPS CORNER.
+
+If old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the
+deficiency?--To a gin-palace, because there they _re-tail_ bad spirits.
+
+Mr. G., who has a very ugly wife, named Euphemia, was asked lately why his
+spouse was the image of himself--and, to his great annoyance, discovered
+that it was because she was his _Effie-G_[2].
+
+    [2] I could make better than the above myself. E.G.--In what way
+        should Her Majesty stand upon a Bill in Parliament so as to
+        quash it?--By putting her _V-toe_ (_veto_) on it.--PRINTER'S
+        DEVIL.
+
+I floored Ben-beau D'Israeli the other day with the following:--"Ben,"
+said I, "if I were going to buy a violin, what method should I take to get
+it cheap?" Benjie looked rather more foolish than usual, and gave it up.
+"Why, you ninny," I replied, "I should buy an ounce of castor-oil, and
+then I would get a phial in (_violin_)." I think I had him there.
+
+Why is a female of the canine species suckling her whelps like a
+philosophic principle?--Because she is a dogma (_dog-ma_).
+
+What part of a horse's foot is like an irate governor?--The pastern
+(_pa-stern_).
+
+Why is the march of a funeral procession like a turnpike?--Because it is a
+toll-gait (_toll-gate_).
+
+Who is the greatest literary _star_?--The _poet-aster_.
+
+Why is an Israelite named William Solomons similar to a great public
+festival?--Because he is a Jubilee (_Jew-Billy_).
+
+Why are polished manners like a pea-jacket?--Because they are address (_a
+dress_).
+
+Why are swallows like a leap head-over-heels?--Because they are a summer
+set (_a somerset_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CUTTING IT RATHER SHORT.
+
+The unexpected adjournment of the Court of Queen's Bench, by Lord Denman,
+on last Thursday, has filled the bar with consternation.--"What is to
+become of our clients?" said Fitzroy Kelly.--"And of our fees?" added the
+Solicitor General.--"I feel deeply for my clients," sighed Serjeant
+Bompas.--"We all compassionate them, brother," observed Wilde.--In short,
+one and all declare it was a most arbitrary and unprecedented curtailment
+of their little _term_--and, to say the least of it,
+
+[Illustration: A MOST DISTRESSING BLOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NATIONAL DISTRESS.
+
+The Tee-totallers say that the majority of the people are victims to
+Bacchus. In the present hard times they are more likely to be victims to
+
+[Illustration: JUG O' NOUGHT--(JUGGERNAUT.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 12.
+
+  Away! away! ye hopes which stray
+    Like jeering spectres from the tomb!
+  Ye cannot light the coming night,
+    And shall not mock its gathering gloom;
+  Though dark the cloud shall form my shroud--
+    Though danger league with racking doubt--
+  Away! away! _ye_ shall not stay
+    When all my joys are "up the spout!"
+
+  I little knew when first ye threw
+    Your bright'ning beams on coming hours,
+  That time would see me turn from thee,
+    And fly your sweet delusive powers.
+  Now, nerved to woe, no more I'll know
+    How hope deferr'd makes mortal sick;
+  The gathering storm may whelm my form,
+    But I will suffer "like a brick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAURIE'S RAILLERY.
+
+When Sir Peter Laurie had taken his seat the other morning in that Temple
+of Momus, the Guildhall Justice Room, he was thus addressed by Payne, the
+clerk--"I see, Sir Peter, an advertisement in the _Times_, announcing the
+sale of shares in the railroad from Paris to ROUEN; would you advise me to
+invest a little loose cash in that speculation?" "Certainly not," replied
+the Knight, "nor in any other railway,--depend upon it, they all lead to
+the same terminus, RUIN." Payne, having exclaimed that this was the best
+thing he had ever heard, was presented by our own Alderman with a
+shilling, accompanied with a request that he would get his hair cropped to
+the magisterial standard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MEETING OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES.
+
+At the sale of the library of the late Theodore Hook, a curious copy of
+"The Complete Jester" was knocked down to "our own" Colonel. Delighted
+with his prize, he ran home, intending to lay in a fresh stock of _bons
+mots_; but what was his amazement on finding that all the jokes contained
+in the volume were those with which he has been in the habit of
+entertaining the public these last forty years! Sibby declares that the
+sight of so many old friends actually brought the tears into his eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+LOVE EXTEMPORE.
+
+As the hero of a romantic play is obliged to possess all the cardinal
+virtues and all the intellectual accomplishments, so the hero of a farce
+is bound to be a fool. One of the greatest, and at the same time one of
+the best fools it has been our pleasure to be introduced to for some time
+is _Mr. Titus Livingstone_, in the new farce of "Love Extempore."
+
+_Mr. Titus Livingstone_ possesses an excellent heart, a good fortune, and
+an uncommon stock of modesty. His intellects are, however, far from
+brilliant; indeed, but for one trait in his character he would pass for an
+idiot,--he has had the good sense never as yet to fall in love! In fact,
+the farce is founded upon that identical incident of his life which
+occasioned him to suppose that he had taken the tender passion extempore.
+
+Some sort of villany seems absolutely necessary to every species of play.
+To continue the parallel we commenced with between tragedy and farce, we
+observe that in the former he is usually such a person as _Spinola_, in
+"Nina Sforza," whilst a farce-villain turns out to be in most instances an
+intriguing widow, a lawyer, or a mischievous young lady. The rogue in
+"Love Extempore" is _Mrs. Courtnay_, a widow, who, with the assistance of
+_Sir Harry Nugent_, contrives a plot by which the hitherto insensible
+_Livingstone_ shall fall a victim to love and her friend _Prudence
+Oldstock_; with whose mother and sister the widow and her co-intriguant
+are staying on a visit.
+
+The moment fatal to Livingstone's virgin heart and unrestrained liberty
+arrives. He calls to pay a morning visit, and instantly the deep design is
+put into execution. _Sir Harry_ begins by a most extravagant puff
+preliminary of the talents, accomplishments, virtues, beauty, disposition,
+endowments, and graces belonging to the enchanting _Prudence_. He and the
+widow exhibit her drawings,--_Livingstone_ is in raptures, or pretends to
+be (for he is not an ill-bred man). What a piercing expression flashes
+from those studies of eyes (in chalk)! what an artistical grouping of
+legs! what a Saracen's-head-upon-Snow-hill-like ferocity frowns from that
+Indian chief!
+
+At this juncture the captivating artist is herself introduced. _Mr.
+Livingstone's_ modesty strikes him into a heap of confusion. "He sighs and
+looks, and looks and sighs again,"--he does not know "what to say, or how
+to say it; so that the trembling bachelor may become a wise and good
+lover." He stutters and hems in the utmost distress; to increase which,
+all his tormentors turn up the stage, leaving him to entertain the lady
+alone. The sketches naturally suggest a topic, and, plunging _in medias
+res_ at once, he vehemently praises her legs! The lady is astonished, and
+the mamma alarmed; but having explained that the allusion was to the
+drawings, he is afterwards punished for the blunder by being threatened
+with a song. Though at a loss to find out what he has done to deserve such
+an infliction, he submits; for he is very sleepy, and sinks into a chair
+in an attitude of supposed attention, but really in a posture best adapted
+for a nap. When the song is ended the applause of course comes in; this
+awakens _Livingstone_ in a fright; he starts, and throws down a harp in
+his fall.
+
+After this _contretemps_, the villany of the widow and her ally takes a
+different turn. In a love affair there are generally two parties; and
+_Miss Prudence_ has got to be persuaded that _she_ is in love. This it is
+not difficult to accomplish, she being no more overburdened with
+penetration than the gentleman they are so kind as to say she is in love
+with. So far all goes on well: for she is soon convinced that she is
+enamoured to the last extremity.
+
+_Livingstone_ having a sort of glimmering that the danger so long averted
+at length impends over him--that he is falling into the trap of love, with
+every chance of the fall continuing down to the bottomless pit of
+matrimony, determines to avert the catastrophe by flight. The pair of
+villains, however, set up a cry of "Stop thief," and he is brought back.
+_Sir Harry_ appeals to his feelings. Good gracious! is he so base, so
+dishonourable, so heartless, to rob an innocent, unsuspecting, and
+accomplished girl of her heart, and then wickedly desert her! Oh, no! In
+short, having already persuaded the poor man that he is in love, _Sir
+Harry_ convinces him that he would also be a deceiver; and _Livingstone_
+would have returned like a lamb to the slaughter but for a new incident.
+
+He has an uncle who is engaged in a law-suit with some of _Mrs.
+Courtnay's_ family. To bring this litigation to an amicable end it has
+been proposed that _Livingstone_ should marry the widow's sister. Here is
+a discovery! So, the deep widow has been unwittingly plotting against her
+own sister! Things must be altered; and so they are, in no time, for she
+persuades the easy hero that _Nugent_ is in love with _Prudence_ himself;
+but, finding she adores her new lover, has magnanimously given up his
+claims in his favour. This has the desired effect, for _Livingstone_ will
+have no such noble sacrifice made on his account. He seeks _Sir Harry_;
+who, discovering the double design of the profound widow, talks as
+immensely magnanimous as they do in classic dramas. In short, both play at
+Romans till the end of the piece; the hero and heroine being at last fully
+persuaded that they have each really fallen in "Love Extempore!"
+
+This idea of persuading two persons into the bonds of love--of having all
+the courting done at second-hand, is admirably worked out. _Livingstone_
+is a well-drawn character; so well, so naturally painted, that he hardly
+deserves to be the hero of a farce. Although exceedingly soft, he is a
+well-bred fool--though somewhat fat (for the actor is Mr. David Rees); he
+is not altogether inelegant. The gentleman who does the theatrical
+metaphysics in the _Morning Herald_ has described him as a capital
+specimen of "physical obesity and moral teunity,"[3]--which we quote to
+save ourselves trouble, for the force of description can no further go.
+_Prudence_ is also inimitable--a march-of-intellect young lady without
+brains, who knows the names of the five large rivers in America, and how
+many bones there are in the gills of a turbot. In Miss P. Horton's hands
+her mechanical acquirements were done ample justice to. The cold unmeaning
+love scene was rendered mainly by her acting
+
+[Illustration: A N-ICE SITUATION.]
+
+    [3] _Sic_, actually, in the dramatic article of that paper,
+        Wednesday, 24th ult.
+
+In fine, the farce is altogether a leaven of the best material most
+cleverly worked up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PERFECT VACUUM PROVED.
+
+MR. HALSE, the gentleman who has during the last week been lecturing upon
+Animal Magnetism, having stated that one of his patients, while under the
+magnetic influence, could "see her own inside," the Marquis of
+Londonderry, anxious to test the truth of the assertion, requested the
+lecturer to operate upon him, and being thrown into the Mesmeric sleep,
+looked into the inside of his own head, and declared he could see nothing
+in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON BY O'CONNER.
+
+Why ought the Children of a Thief to be burnt?--Because _their Pa steals_
+(they're pastiles).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14939-8.txt or 14939-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14939/
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/14939-8.zip b/14939-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..57216f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-8.zip
diff --git a/14939-h.zip b/14939-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8a58d4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h.zip
diff --git a/14939-h/14939-h.htm b/14939-h/14939-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4a033b8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/14939-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2275 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta name="generator" content=
+"HTML Tidy for Mac OS X (vers 1st August 2004), see www.w3.org" />
+<meta http-equiv="content-type" content=
+"text/html; charset=us-ascii" />
+<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. December 4, 1841.</title>
+
+<style type="text/css">
+/*<![CDATA[*/
+
+<!--
+  body        {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;}
+  p          {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote     {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6  {text-align: center;}
+  pre         {font-size: 0.7em;}
+
+  hr         {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr    {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full       {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full  {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short      {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+  ul {list-style-type:none;}
+  .note  {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza    {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p       {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2     {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4     {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6     {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8            {margin-left:4em;}
+  .poem p.i10   {margin-left:5em;}
+  p.cen   {text-align:center;}
+  p.rgt {text-align:right;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;}
+.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+.figcenter>p {text-align:center;}
+.figcenter {margin: auto;}
+.figright {float: right; width:25%;}
+.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;}
+  span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;}
+  sup{font-size:.7em;}
+  span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;}
+  span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;}
+  a:link{text-decoration:none;}
+.hide   {display: none;}
+ -->
+/*]]>*/
+</style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14939]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>DECEMBER 4, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page241" name="page241"></a>[pg
+241]</span>
+<h2>OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.</h2>
+<p>The document with this title, that has got into the newspapers,
+has been dressed up for the public eye. We have obtained the
+original <em>draft</em>, and beg to administer it to our readers
+<em>neat</em>, in the precise language it was written in.</p>
+<h4>THE OFFICIAL REPORT.</h4>
+<p>MR. SNOOKS says, that it being his turn to be on watch on the
+night of Saturday, October 30th, he went to his duty as usual, and
+having turned into his box, slept until he was amazed by shouts and
+the rolling of wheels in all directions. The upper door of his box
+being open, he looked out of it, and his head struck violently
+against something hard, upon which he attempted to open the lower
+door of his box, when he found he could not. Thinking there was
+something wrong, he became very active in raising an alarm, but
+could obtain no attention; and he has since found that in the hurry
+of moving property from different parts of the building, his box
+had been closely barricaded; and he, consequently, was compelled to
+remain in it until the following morning. He says, however, that
+everything was quite safe in the middle of the day when he took his
+great-coat to his box, and trimmed his lantern ready for the
+evening.</p>
+<p>MRS. SNOOKS, wife of the above witness, corroborates the account
+of her husband, so far as trimming the lanthern in the daytime is
+concerned, and also as to his being encased in his box until the
+morning. She had no anxiety about him, because she had been
+distinctly told that the fire did not break out until past ten, and
+her husband she knew was sure to be snug in his box by that
+time.</p>
+<p>JOHN JONES, a publican, says, at about nine o&rsquo;clock on
+Saturday, the 30th of October, he saw a light in the Tower, which
+flickered very much like a candle, as if somebody was continually
+blowing one out and blowing it in again. He observed this for about
+half an hour, when it began to look as if several gas-lights were
+in the room and some one was turning the gas on and off very
+rapidly. After this he went to bed, and was disturbed shortly
+before midnight by hearing that the Tower was in flames.</p>
+<p>SERGEANT FIPS, of the Scotch Fusileer (Qy. <em>Few sillier</em>)
+Guards, was at a public-house on Tower-hill, when, happening to go
+to the door, he observed a large quantity of thick smoke issuing
+from one of the windows of the Tower. Knowing that Major Elrington,
+the deputy governor, was fond of a cigar, he thought nothing of the
+circumstance of the smoke, and was surprised in about half an hour
+to see flames issuing from the building.</p>
+<p>GEORGE SNIVEL saw the fire bursting from the Tower on Saturday
+night, and being greatly frightened he ran home to his mother as
+soon as possible. His mother called him a fool, and said it was the
+gas-works.</p>
+<p>THOMAS POPKINS rents a back attic at Rotherhithe; he had been
+peeling an onion on the 30th of October, and went to the window for
+the purpose of throwing out the external coat of the vegetable
+mentioned in the beginning of his testimony, when he saw a large
+fire burning somewhere, with some violence. Not thinking it could
+be the Tower, he went to bed after eating the onion&mdash;which has
+been already twice alluded to in the course of his evidence.</p>
+<p>MR. SWIFT, of the Jewel-office, says, that he saw the Tower
+burning at the distance of about three acres from where the jewels
+are kept, when his first thought was to save the regalia. For this
+purpose he rushed to the scene of the conflagration and desired
+everybody who would obey him, to leave what they were about and
+follow him to that part of the Tower set apart for the jewels.
+Several firemen were induced to quit the pumps, and having
+prevailed on a large body of soldiers, he led them and a vast
+miscellaneous mob to the apartments where the crown, &amp;c., were
+deposited. After a considerable quantity of squeezing, screaming,
+cursing, and swearing, it was discovered that the key was missing,
+when the jewel-room was carried by storm, and the jewels safely
+lodged in some other part of the building. When witness returned to
+the fire, it was quite out, and the armoury totally demolished.</p>
+<p>The whole of the official report is in the same satisfactory
+strain, but we do not feel ourselves justified in printing any more
+of it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A CON-CERTED CON.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;When is the helm of a ship like a certain English
+composer?&rdquo;&mdash;said the double bass to the trombone in the
+orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre, while resting themselves the
+other evening between the acts of Norma.&mdash;The trombone wished
+he might be <em>blowed</em> if he could tell.&mdash;&ldquo;When it
+is <em>A-lee</em>&rdquo; quoth the bass&mdash;rosining his bow with
+extraordinary delight at his own conceit.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>RECONCILING A DIFFERENCE.</h3>
+<p>Two literary partisans were lately contending with considerable
+warmth, for the superiority of Tait&rsquo;s or Blackwood&rsquo;s
+Magazine&mdash;till from words they fell to blows, and decided the
+dispute by the <em>argumentum ad hominem</em>.&mdash;Doctor Maginn,
+hearing of the circumstance, observed to a friend, that however the
+pugnacious gentleman&rsquo;s opinions might differ with respect to
+<em>Tait</em> and <em>Blackwood</em>, it was evident they were
+content to decide them by a <em>Frazer</em> (<em>fray
+sir</em>).</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>OUR WEATHERCOCK.</h3>
+<p>The state of the weather, at all times an object of intense
+interest and general conversation amongst Englishmen, has latterly
+engaged much of our attention; and the observations which we have
+made on the extraordinary changes which have taken place in the
+weathercock during the last week warrant us in saying &ldquo;there
+must be something in the wind.&rdquo; It has been remarked that Mr.
+Macready&rsquo;s <em>Hamlet</em> and Mr. Dubourg&rsquo;s chimneys
+have not <em>drawn</em> well of late. A smart breeze sprung up
+between Mr. and Mrs. Smith, of Brixton, on last Monday afternoon,
+which increased during the night, and ended in a perfect storm. Sir
+Peter Laurie on the same evening retired to bed rather misty, and
+was exceedingly foggy all the following morning. At the Lord
+Mayor&rsquo;s dinner the <em>glass</em> was observed to rise and
+fall several times in a most remarkable manner, and at last settled
+at &ldquo;heavy wet.&rdquo; A flock of gulls were seen hovering
+near Crockford&rsquo;s on Tuesday, and on that morning the milkman
+who goes the Russell-square walk was observed to blow the tips of
+his fingers at the areas of numerous houses. Applications for food
+were made by some starving paupers to the Relieving Officers of
+different workhouses, but the hearts of those worthy individuals
+were found to be completely frozen. Notwithstanding the severity of
+the weather, the nose of the beadle of St. Clement Danes has been
+seen for nearly the last fortnight in full blossom. A heavy fall of
+blankets took place on Wednesday, and the fleecy covering still
+lies on several beds in and near the metropolis. Expecting frost to
+set in, Sir Robert Peel has been busily employed on his <em>sliding
+scale</em>; in fact, affairs are becoming very slippery in the
+Cabinet, and Sir James Graham is already preparing to trim his sail
+to the next change of wind. Watercresses, we understand, are likely
+to be scarce; there is a brisk demand for &ldquo;bosom
+friends&rdquo; amongst unmarried ladies; and it is feared that the
+intense cold which prevails at nights will drive some unprovided
+young men into the <em>union</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE BANE AND ANTIDOTE.</h3>
+<p>We are requested to state that the insane person who lately
+attempted to obtain an entrance into Buckingham Palace was not the
+Finsbury renegade, Mr. Wakley. We are somewhat surprised that the
+rumour should have obtained circulation, as the unfortunate man is
+described as being of respectable appearance.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE CORSAIR.</h3>
+<h4>A POEM TO BE READ ON RAILROADS.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The sky was dark&mdash;the sea was rough;</p>
+<p>The Corsair&rsquo;s heart was brave and tough;</p>
+<p>The wind was high&mdash;the waves were steep;</p>
+<p>The moon was veil&rsquo;d&mdash;the ocean deep;</p>
+<p>The foam against the vessel dash&rsquo;d:</p>
+<p>The Corsair overboard was wash&rsquo;d.</p>
+<p>A rope in vain was thrown to save&mdash;</p>
+<p>The brine is now the Corsair&rsquo;s grave!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>As it is expected that the jogging and jerking, or the sudden
+passing through tunnels, may in some degree interfere with the
+perusal of this poem, we give it with the abbreviations, as it is
+likely to be read with the drawbacks alluded to.</p>
+<p>Wherever there is a dash&mdash;it is supposed there will be a
+jolt of the vehicle.</p>
+<h4>CORSAIR-POEM.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&mdash;sky&mdash;dark&mdash;sea&mdash;rough;</p>
+<p>&mdash;Corsair&mdash;brave&mdash;tough;</p>
+<p>&mdash;wind&mdash;high&mdash;waves steep;</p>
+<p>&mdash;moon&mdash;veil&rsquo;d&mdash;oce&mdash;deep;</p>
+<p>&mdash;foam&mdash;gainst&mdash;vess&mdash;dash&rsquo;d;</p>
+<p>&mdash;Corsair&mdash;board&mdash;wash&rsquo;d.</p>
+<p>&mdash;rope&mdash;vain&mdash;to save,</p>
+<p>&mdash;brine&mdash;Cors&mdash;grave.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;STUPID AS A &lsquo;POST.&rsquo;&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>The <em>Morning Post</em> has made another blunder. Lord
+Abinger, it seems, is too Conservative to resign. After all the
+editorial boasting about &ldquo;exclusive information,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;official intelligence,&rdquo; &amp;c. it is very evident
+that the &ldquo;<em>Morning Twaddler</em>&rdquo; must not be looked
+upon as a direction <em>post</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>We learn that a drama of startling interest, founded upon a
+recent event of singular horror, is in active preparation at the
+Victoria Theatre. It is to be entitled &ldquo;<em>Cavanagh the
+Culprit; or, the Irish Saveloyard</em>.&rdquo; The interest of the
+drama will be immensely strengthened by the introduction of the
+genuine knife with which the fatal ham was cut. Real saveloys will
+also be eaten by the Fasting Phenomenon before the audience.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>&ldquo;Never saw such <em>stirring</em> times,&rdquo; as the
+spoon said to the saucepan.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page242" name="page242"></a>[pg
+242]</span>
+<h2>THE &ldquo;PUFF PAPERS.&rdquo;</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-01.png"><img src=
+"images/021-01.png" alt=
+"A very large man is surprised by a very small man in a box." id=
+"img021-01" name="img021-01" width="90%" /></a></div>
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<p>Having expressed the great gratification I should enjoy at being
+permitted to become a member of so agreeable a society, I was
+formally presented by the chairman with a capacious meerschaum,
+richly mounted in silver, and dark with honoured age, filled with
+choice tobacco, which he informed me was the initiatory pipe to be
+smoked by every neophyte on his admission amongst the
+&ldquo;Puffs.&rdquo; I shall not attempt to describe with what
+profound respect I received that venerable tube into my
+hands&mdash;how gently I applied the blazing match to its fragrant
+contents&mdash;how affectionately I placed the amber mouth-piece
+between my lips, and propelled the thick wreaths of smoke in
+circling eddies to the ceiling:&mdash;to dilate upon all this might
+savour of an egotistical desire to exalt my own merits&mdash;a
+species of <em>puffing</em> I mortally abhor. Suffice it to say,
+that when I had smoked the pipe of peace, I was heartily
+congratulated by the chairman and the company generally upon the
+manner in which I had acquitted myself, and I was declared without
+a dissentient voice a duly-elected member of the
+&ldquo;Puffs.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The business of the night, which my entrance had interrupted,
+was now resumed; and the chairman, whom I shall call Arden,
+striking his hammer upon a small mahogany box which was placed
+before him on the table, requested silence. Before I permit him to
+speak, I must give my readers a pen-and-ink sketch of his person.
+He was rather tall and erect in his person&mdash;his head was
+finely formed&mdash;and he had a quick grey eye, which would have
+given an unpleasant sharpness to his features, had it not been
+softened by the benevolent smile which played around his mouth. In
+his attire he was somewhat formal, and he affected an antiquated
+style in the fashion of his dress. When he spoke, his words fell
+with measured precision from his lips; but the mellow tone of his
+voice, and a certain courteous <em>empressement</em> in his manner,
+at once interested me in his favour; and I set him down in my mind
+as a gentleman of the old English school. How far I was right in my
+conjecture my readers will hereafter have an opportunity of
+determining.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Our new member,&rdquo; said the chairman, turning towards
+me, &ldquo;should now be informed that we have amongst us some
+individuals who possess a taste for literary pursuits.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A very small taste,&rdquo; whispered a droll-looking
+&lsquo;Puff,&rsquo; with a particularly florid nose, who was
+sitting on my right hand, and who appeared to be watching all the
+evening for opportunities of letting off his jokes, which were
+always applauded longest and loudest by himself. My comical
+neighbour&rsquo;s name, I afterwards learned, was Bayles; he was
+the licensed jester of the club; he had been a punster from his
+youth; and it was his chief boast that he had joked himself into
+the best society and out of the largest fortune of any individual
+in the three kingdoms.</p>
+<p>This incorrigible wag having broken the thread of the
+chairman&rsquo;s speech, I shall only add the substance of it. It
+was, that the literary members of the &ldquo;Puffs&rdquo; had
+agreed to contribute from time to time articles in prose and verse;
+tales, legends, and sketches of life and manners&mdash;all which
+contributions were deposited in the mahogany box on the table; and
+from this literary fund a paper was extracted by the chairman on
+one of the nights of meeting in each week, and read by him aloud to
+the club.</p>
+<p>These manuscripts, I need scarcely say, will form the series of
+THE PUFF PAPERS, which, for the special information of the
+thousands of the fair sex who will peruse them, are like the best
+black teas, strongly recommended for their fine <em>curling
+leaf</em>.</p>
+<p>The first paper drawn by the chairman was an Irish Tale; which,
+after a humorous protest by Mr. Bayles against the introduction of
+foreign extremities, was ordered to be read.</p>
+<p>The candles being snuffed, and the chairman&rsquo;s spectacles
+adjusted to the proper focus, he commenced as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<h3>THE GIANT&rsquo;S STAIRS.</h3>
+<h4>A LEGEND OF THE SOUTH OF IRELAND.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be for quitting us so airly, Felix, <em>ma
+bouchal</em>, it&rsquo;s a taring night without, and you&rsquo;re
+better sitting there opposite that fire than facing this unmarciful
+storm,&rdquo; said Tim Carthy, drawing his stool closer to the
+turf-piled hearth, and addressing himself to a young man who
+occupied a seat in the chimney nook, whose quick bright eye and
+somewhat humorous curl of the corner of the mouth indicated his
+character pretty accurately, and left no doubt that he was one of
+those who would laugh their laugh out, if the <em>ould boy</em>
+stood at the door. The reply to Tim&rsquo;s proposal was a jerk of
+Felix&rsquo;s great-coat on his left shoulder, and a sly glance at
+the earthen mug which he held, as he gradually bent it from its
+upright position, until it was evident that the process of
+absorption had been rapidly acting on its contents. Tim, who
+understood the freemasonry of the manoeuvre, removed all the latent
+scruples of Felix by adding&mdash;&ldquo;There&rsquo;s more of that
+stuff&mdash;where you know; and by the crook of St. Patrick
+we&rsquo;ll have another drop of it to comfort us this blessed
+night. Whisht! do you hear how the wind comes sweeping over the
+hills? God help the poor souls at say!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wissha amen!&rdquo; replied Tim&rsquo;s wife, dropping
+her knitting, and devoutly making the sign of the cross upon her
+forehead.</p>
+<p>A silence of a few moments ensued; during which, each person
+present offered up a secret prayer for the safety of those who
+might at that moment be exposed to the fury of the warring
+elements.</p>
+<p>I should here inform my readers that the cottage of Tim Carthy
+was situated in the deep valley which runs inland from the strand
+at Monkstown, a pretty little bathing village, that forms an
+interesting object on the banks of the romantic Lee, near the
+&ldquo;beautiful city&rdquo; of Cork.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page243" name="page243"></a>[pg
+243]</span></p>
+<p>&ldquo;I never heard such a jearful storm since the night
+Mahoon, the ould giant, who lives in the cave under the <em>Giants
+Stairs</em>, sunk the three West Ingee-men that lay at anchor near
+the rocks,&rdquo; observed Mrs. Carthy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s Felix can tell us, if he plazes, a quare story
+about that same Mahoon,&rdquo; added Tim, addressing himself to the
+young man.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;re right there, anyhow, Tim,&rdquo; replied
+Felix; &ldquo;and as my pipe is just out, I&rsquo;ll give you the
+whole truth of the story as if I was after kissing the book upon
+it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You must know, then, it was one fine morning near
+Midsummer, about five years ago, that I got up very airly to go
+down to the beach and launch my boat, for I meant to try my luck at
+fishing for conger eels under the Giant&rsquo;s Stairs. I
+wasn&rsquo;t long pulling to the spot, and I soon had my lines
+baited and thrown out; but not so much as a bite did I get to keep
+up my spirits all that blessed morning, till I was fairly kilt with
+fatigue and disappointment. Well, I was thinking of returning home
+again, when all at once I felt something mortial heavy upon one of
+my lines. At first I thought it was a big conger, but then I knew
+that no fish would hang so dead upon my hand, so I hauled in with
+fear and thrembling, for I was afeard every minnit my line or my
+hook would break, and at last I got my prize to the top of the
+water, and then safe upon the gunnel of the boat;&mdash;and what do
+you think it was?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In troth, Felix, sorra one of us knows.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, then, it was nothing else but a little dirty black
+oak box, hooped round with iron, and covered with say-weed and
+barnacles, as if it had lain a long time in the water. &lsquo;Oh,
+ho!&rsquo; says myself, &lsquo;it&rsquo;s in rale good luck I am
+this beautiful morning. Phew! as sure as turf, &rsquo;tis full of
+goold, or silver, or dollars, the box is.&rsquo; For, by dad, it
+was so heavy intirely I could scarcely move it, and it sunk my
+little boat a&rsquo;most to the water&rsquo;s edge; so I pulled
+back for bare life to the shore, and ran the boat into a lonesome
+little creek in the rocks. There I managed somehow to heave out the
+little box upon dry land, and, finding a handy lump of a stone, I
+wasn&rsquo;t long smashing the iron fastenings, and lifting up the
+lid. I looked in, and saw a weeshy ould weasened fellow sitting in
+it, with his legs gothered up under him like a tailor. He was
+dressed in a green coat, all covered with goold lace, a red scarlet
+waistcoat down to his hips, and a little three-cornered cocked hat
+upon the top of his head, with a cock&rsquo;s feather sticking out
+of it as smart as you plase.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Good morrow to you, Felix Donovan,&rsquo; says the
+small chap, taking off his hat to me, as polite as a
+dancing-masther.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Musha! then the tip top of the morning to
+you,&rsquo; says I, &lsquo;it&rsquo;s ashamed of yourself you ought
+to be, for putting me to such a dale of throuble.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Don&rsquo;t mention it, Felix,&rsquo; says he,
+&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll be proud to do as much for you another time. But
+why don&rsquo;t you open the box, and let me out? &rsquo;tis many a
+long day I have been shut up here in this could dark place.&rsquo;
+All the time I was only holding the lid partly open.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Thank you kindly, my tight fellow,&rsquo; says
+myself, quite &rsquo;cute; &lsquo;maybe you think I don&rsquo;t
+know you, but plase God you&rsquo;ll not stir a peg out of where
+you are until you pay me for my throuble.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Millia murdher!&rsquo; says the little chap.
+&lsquo;What could a poor crather like me have in the world?
+Haven&rsquo;t I been shut up here without bite or sup?&rsquo; and
+then he began howling and bating his head agin the side of the box,
+and making most pitiful moans. But I wasn&rsquo;t to be deceived by
+his thricks, so I put down the lid of the box and began to hammer
+away at it, when he roared out,&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Tare an&rsquo; agers! Felix Donovan, sure you
+won&rsquo;t be so cruel as to shut me up again? Open the box, man,
+till I spake to you.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Well, what do you want now&rsquo;!&rsquo; savs I,
+lifting up the lid the laste taste in life.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you what, Felix, I&rsquo;ll give
+you twenty goolden guineas if you&rsquo;ll let me out.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Soft was your horn, my little fellow; your offer
+don&rsquo;t shoot.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll give you fifty.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;No.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;A hundred.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;T won&rsquo;t do. If you were to offer me all the
+money in the Cork bank I wouldn&rsquo;t take it.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;What the diaoul will you take then?&rsquo; says
+the little ould chap, reddening like a turkey-cock in the gills
+with anger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you,&rsquo; says I, making answer;
+&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll take the three best gifts that you can
+bestow.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="cen">(<em>To be continued.</em>)</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Why is a butcher like a language master?&mdash;Because he is a
+<em>retailer of tongues</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE KNATCHBULL TESTIMONIAL.</h2>
+<p>A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held
+during the past week at the sign of &ldquo;<em>The Conservative
+Cauliflower</em>,&rdquo; Duck-lane, Westminster, for the purpose of
+presenting an address, and anything else, that the meeting might
+decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his patriotic opposition
+to &rsquo;pikes.</p>
+<p>Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously
+called to the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to
+the call, and having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand
+and his pipe with the other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and
+deposited himself in the seat of honour. As there was no hammer in
+the room, the inventive genius of the learned chairman, suggested
+the substitution of his bell, and having agitated its clapper three
+times, and shouted &ldquo;<em>Orger</em>&rdquo; with stentorian
+emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry,
+it isn&rsquo;t often that a cheer is taken in this room for no
+other than harmonic meetings or club-nights, and it is, therefore,
+with oncommon pride that I feels myself in my present proud
+persition. (<em>Werry good! and Hear, hear!</em>) You are all
+pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this
+here great nation. (<em>We is! and cheers.</em>) For some years
+I&rsquo;ve had the honour to collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I
+may say; and in my mind the werry best standard of a real gentleman
+is his dust-hole. (<em>Hear, hear! and He&rsquo;s vide avake!</em>)
+You&rsquo;re hailed,&rdquo; continued the eloquent Adam,
+&ldquo;you&rsquo;re hailed by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you
+pulls up alongside of the curb; you collars your basket, and with
+your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast into the hairy; one glance
+at the dust conwinces you vether you&rsquo;re to have sixpence or a
+swig of lamen-table beer. (<em>It does! and cheers.</em>) A man as
+sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (<em>Immense cheering,
+which was rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of
+Dirk&rsquo;s dangle-dangles, otherwise bells.</em>) But
+you&rsquo;ll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard?
+I&rsquo;ll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear
+out Sir Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories
+knows what <em>jobs</em> is, and pays according-<em>ly</em>.
+(<em>Here the Meeting gave the Conservative Costermonger
+fire.</em>) The &rsquo;pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard has jist
+been werrified, for hasn&rsquo;t he comed forrard to oppose them
+rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair&mdash;on
+enterprising higgling and &lsquo;twelve in a tax-cart?&rsquo; need
+I say I alludes to them blessed &lsquo;pikes? (<em>Long and
+continued cheers.</em>) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the
+&lsquo;pike-men didn&rsquo;t make the dirt that makes the road, and
+werry justly refuses to fork out tuppence-ha&rsquo;penny!
+It&rsquo;s werry true Sir Eddard says that the t&rsquo;other taxes
+must be paid, as what&rsquo;s to pay the ministers? But it&rsquo;s
+highly unreasonable that &rsquo;pike-men is to be put alongside of
+Prime Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus
+polte-ry! Had that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a
+thing it would ha&rsquo; been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and
+that&rsquo;s the price of a reasonable &lsquo;pike-ticket. That
+wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum of
+&lsquo;Old Tom&rsquo; is come-atable for the walley of them werry
+browns. But Sir Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour&mdash;the
+&rsquo;pikes has it! (<em>Shame!</em>) It&rsquo;s for us to reward
+him. I therefore proposes that a collection of turnpike tickets is
+made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and glaziered, and
+presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight.&rdquo; (<em>Immense
+applause.</em>)</p>
+<p>Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen
+dealer, seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that
+&ldquo;Old &rsquo;pike-tickets would do as well as new &rsquo;uns;
+and everybody know&rsquo;d that second-hand tumpike-tickets
+warn&rsquo;t werry waluable, so the thing could be done handsome
+and reasonable.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few
+minutes the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan
+trusts, together with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the
+donor stated &ldquo;could ony be &rsquo;ad for axing
+for.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this
+unique testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull.</p>
+<p>It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the
+neighbourhood of the Metropolis are trying to get up a counter
+meeting. We have written to Mr. Levy on the subject.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).</h3>
+<p>We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been
+imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a
+complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that he
+will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his
+performance will be <em>a solo on one string</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page244" name="page244"></a>[pg
+244]</span>
+<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2>
+<h3>10.&mdash;THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION.</h3>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/021-02.png"><img src=
+"images/021-02.png" alt=
+"A person stands with arms outstretched holding a knife in each hand to form a letter T"
+id="img021-02" name="img021-02" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">T</span>he morning after the carousal
+reported in our last chapter, the parties thereat assisting are
+dispersed in various parts of London. Did a modern Asmodeus take a
+spectator to any elevated point from which he could overlook the
+Great Metropolis of Mr. Grant and England just at this period, when
+Aurora has not long called the sun, who rises as surlily as if he
+had got out of bed the wrong way, he would see Mr. Rapp ruminating
+upon things in general whilst seated on some cabbages in Covent
+Garden Market; Mr. Jones taking refreshment with a lamplighter and
+two cabmen at a promenade coffee-stand near Charing Cross, to whom
+he is giving a lecture upon the action of veratria in paralysis,
+jumbled somehow or other with frequent asseverations that he shall
+at all times be happy to see the aforesaid lamplighter and two
+cabmen at the hospital or his own lodgings; Mr. Manhug, with a
+pocket-handkerchief tied round his head, not clearly understanding
+what has become of his latch-key, but rather imagining that he
+threw it into a lamp instead of the short pipe which still remains
+in the pocket of his pea-jacket, and, moreover, finding himself
+close to London Bridge, is taking a gratuitous doze in the cabin of
+the Boulogne steam-boat, which he ascertains does not start until
+eight o&rsquo;clock; whilst Mr. Simpson, the new man, with the
+usual destiny of such green productions&mdash;thirsty, nauseated,
+and &ldquo;coming round&rdquo;&mdash;is safely taken care of in one
+of the small private unfurnished apartments which are let by the
+night on exceedingly moderate terms (an introduction by a policeman
+of known respectability being all the reference that is required)
+in the immediate neighbourhood of the Bow-street Police-office.
+Where Mr. Muff is&mdash;it is impossible to form the least idea; he
+may probably speak for himself.</p>
+<p>The reader will now please to shift the time and place to two
+o&rsquo;clock P.M. in the dissecting-room, which is full of
+students, comprising three we have just spoken of, except Mr.
+Simpson. A message has been received that the anatomical teacher is
+unavoidably detained at an important case in private practice, and
+cannot meet his class to day. Hereupon there is much rejoicing
+amongst the pupils, who gather in a large semicircle round the
+fireplace, and devise various amusing methods of passing the time.
+Some are for subscribing to buy a set of four-corners, to be played
+in the museum when the teachers are not there, and kept out of
+sight in an old coffin when they are not wanted. Others vote for
+getting up sixpenny sweepstakes, and raffling for them with
+dice&mdash;the winner of each to stand a pot out of his gains, and
+add to the goodly array of empty pewters which already grace the
+mantelpiece in bright order, with the exception of two irregulars,
+one of which Mr. Rapp has squeezed flat to show the power of his
+hand; and in the bottom of the other Mr. Manhug has bored a foramen
+with a red-hot poker in a laudable attempt to warm the heavy that
+it contained. Two or three think they had better adjourn to the
+nearest slate table and play a grand pool; and some more vote for
+tapping the preparations in the museum, and making the porter of
+the dissecting-room intoxicated with the grog manufactured from the
+proof spirit. The various arguments are, however, cut short by the
+entrance of Mr. Muff, who rushes into the room, followed by Mr.
+Simpson, and throwing off his macintosh cape, pitches a large
+fluttering mass of feathers into the middle of the circle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Halloo, Muff! how are you, my bean&mdash;what&rsquo;s
+up?&rdquo; is the general exclamation.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, here&rsquo;s a lark!&rdquo; is all Mr. Muff&rsquo;s
+reply.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Lark!&rdquo; cries Mr. Rapp; &ldquo;you&rsquo;re drunk,
+Muff&mdash;you don&rsquo;t mean to call that a lark!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a beautiful patriarchal old hen,&rdquo;
+returns Mr. Muff, &ldquo;that I bottled as she was meandering down
+the mews; and now I vote we have her for lunch. Who&rsquo;s game to
+kill her?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Various plans are immediately suggested, including cutting her
+head off, poisoning her with morphia, or shooting her with a little
+cannon Mr Rapp has got in his locker; but at last the majority
+decide upon hanging her. A gibbet is speedily prepared, simply
+consisting of a thigh-bone laid across two high stools; a piece of
+whip cord is then noosed round the victim&rsquo;s neck; and she is
+launched into eternity, as the newspapers say&mdash;Mr. Manhug
+attending to pull her legs.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Depend upon it that&rsquo;s a humane death,&rdquo;
+remarks Mr. Jones. &ldquo;I never tried to strangle a fowl but
+once, and then I twisted its neck bang off. I know a capital plan
+to finish cats though.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Throw it off&mdash;put it up&mdash;let&rsquo;s have
+it,&rdquo; exclaim the circle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, then; you must get their necks in a slip knot and
+pull them up to a key-hole. They can&rsquo;t hurt you, you know,
+because you are the other side the door.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, capital&mdash;quite a wrinkle,&rdquo; observes Mr.
+Muff. &ldquo;But how do you catch them first?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Put a hamper outside the leads with some valerian in it,
+and a bit of cord tied to the lid. If you keep watch, you may bag
+half-a-dozen in no time; and strange cats are fair game for
+everybody,&mdash;only some of them are rum &rsquo;uns to
+bite.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>At this moment, a new Scotch pupil, who is lulling himself into
+the belief that he is studying anatomy from some sheep&rsquo;s eyes
+by himself in the Museum, enters the dissecting-room, and mildly
+asks the porter &ldquo;what a heart is worth?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know, sir,&rdquo; shouts Mr. Rapp;
+&ldquo;it depends entirely upon what&rsquo;s trumps;&rdquo;
+whereupon the new Scotch pupil retires to his study as if he was
+shot, followed by several pieces of cinders and tobacco-pipe,</p>
+<p>During the preceding conversation, Mr. Muff cuts down the victim
+with a scalpel; and, finding that life has departed, commences to
+pluck it, and perform the usual post-mortem abdominal examinations
+attendant upon such occasions. Mr. Rapp undertakes to manufacture
+an extempore spit, from the rather dilapidated umbrella of the new
+Scotch pupil, which he has heedlessly left in the dissecting-room.
+This being completed, with the assistance of some wire from the
+ribs of an old skeleton that had hung in a corner of the room ever
+since it was built, the hen is put down to roast, presenting the
+most extraordinary specimen of trussing upon record. Mr. Jones
+undertakes to buy some butter at a shop behind the hospital; and
+Mr. Manhug, not being able to procure any flour, gets some starch
+from the cabinet of the lecturer on Materia Medica, and powders it
+in a mortar which he borrows from the laboratory.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To revert to cats,&rdquo; observes Mr. Manhug, as he sets
+himself before the fire to superintend the cooking; &ldquo;it
+strikes me we could contrive no end to fun if we each agreed to
+bring some here one day in carpet-bags. We could drive in plenty of
+dogs, and cocks, and hens, out of the back streets, and then let
+them all loose together in the dissecting-room.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;With a sprinkling of rats and ferrets,&rdquo; adds Mr.
+Rapp. &ldquo;I know a man who can let us have as many as we want.
+The skrimmage would be immense, only I shouldn&rsquo;t much care to
+stay and see it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh that&rsquo;s nothing,&rdquo; replies Mr. Muff.
+&ldquo;Of course, we must get on the roof and look at it through
+the skylights. You may depend upon it, it would be the finest card
+we ever played.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>How gratifying to every philanthropist must be these proofs of
+the elasticity of mind peculiar to a Medical Student! Surrounded by
+scenes of the most impressive and deplorable nature&mdash;in
+constant association with death and contact with disease&mdash;his
+noble spirit, in the ardour of his search after professional
+information, still retains its buoyancy and freshness; and he
+wreaths with roses the hours which he passes in the
+dissecting-room, although the world in general looks upon it as a
+rather unlikely locality for those flowers to shed their perfume
+over!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By the way, Muff, where did you get to last night after
+we all cut?&rdquo; inquires Mr. Rapp.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, that&rsquo;s what I am rather anxious to find out
+myself,&rdquo; replies Mr. Muff; &ldquo;but I think I can collect
+tolerably good reminiscences of my travels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tell us all about it then,&rdquo; cry three or four.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;With pleasure&mdash;only let&rsquo;s have in a little
+more beer; for the heat of the fire in cooking produces rather too
+rapid an evaporation of fluids from the surface of the
+body.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, blow your physiology!&rdquo; says Rapp. &ldquo;You
+mean to say you&rsquo;ve got a hot copper&mdash;so have I. Send for
+the precious balm, and then fire away.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And accordingly, when the beer arrives, Mr. Muff proceeds with
+the recital of his wanderings.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>LOVE AND HYMEN.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Cupid (that charming little <em>garcon</em>),</p>
+<p class="i2">When free, is am&rsquo;rous, brisk, and gay;</p>
+<p>But when he&rsquo;s noos&rsquo;d by Hymen&rsquo;s parson,</p>
+<p class="i2">Snores like <em>Glenelg</em>, or flies away.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page245" name="page245"></a>[pg
+245]</span>
+<h3>OUR CITY ARTICLE.</h3>
+<p>An alarming forgery of Mendicity Society&rsquo;s tickets has
+been discovered in Red Lion Square, and has caused much
+conversation at the doors of most of the gin palaces. Our readers
+are probably aware what these tickets are, though, being a
+particular class of security, there is not a great deal publicly
+done in them. They are issued to certain subscribers, who pay a
+guinea per year towards housing a Secretary and some other officers
+in a moderate-sized house, in the kitchen of which certain soup is
+prepared, which is partaken of by a number of persons called the
+Board, who are said to taste it and see that it is good; and if
+there is any left, which may occasionally happen, the poor are
+allowed to finish it. This valuable privilege is secured by
+tickets; and these tickets are found to be forged to a very large
+amount&mdash;some say indeed to the amount of 14,000 basins. It is
+not usual to pay off these soup tickets, but a sort of interest can
+be had upon them by standing just over the railings of the house in
+Red Lion Square, when the Secretary&rsquo;s dinner is being cooked
+or served up, and a certain amount of savoury steam is then put
+into circulation. The house has been besieged all day with
+&ldquo;innocent holders,&rdquo; who, on giving their tickets in,
+cannot get them back again. The genuine tickets are known by the
+stamp, which is a soup plate <em>rampant</em>, and a spoon
+<em>argent</em>,&mdash;the latter being the emblem of the
+subscribers.</p>
+<p>A great deal is said of a new company, whose object is to take
+advantage of a well-known fact in chemistry. It is known that
+diamonds can be resolved into charcoal, as well as that charcoal
+can be ultimately reduced to air; and a company is to be founded
+with the view of simply <em>reversing the process</em>. Instead of
+getting air from diamonds, their object will be to get diamonds
+from air; and in fact the chief promoters of it have generally
+drawn from that source the greater part of their capital. The whole
+sum for shares need not be paid up at once; but the Directors will
+be satisfied in the first instance with 10 per cent. on the whole
+sum to be raised from the adventurers. It is intended to declare a
+dividend at the earliest possible period, which will be directly
+the first diamond has been made by the new process.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CON. BY SIBTHORP AND STULTZ.</h3>
+<p>Why are batteries and soldiers like the hands and feet of
+tailors?&mdash;Because the former make breaches
+(<em>breeches</em>), and the latter pass through them.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP.</h2>
+<h3>SIP THE THIRD. GOS-SIP.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>That hour devoted to thy vesper &ldquo;service&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Dulcet exhilaration! glorious tea!&mdash;</p>
+<p>I deem my happiest. Howsoe&rsquo;er I swerve, as</p>
+<p class="i2">To mind or morals, elsewhere, over thee</p>
+<p>I am a perfect creature, quite impervious</p>
+<p class="i2">To care, or tribulation, or <em>ennui</em>&mdash;</p>
+<p>In fact, I do agnize to thee an utter</p>
+<p>Devotion even to the bread and butter.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The homely kettle hissing on the bar&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">(Urns I detest, irrelevant pomposities)&mdash;</p>
+<p>The world beyond the window-blinds, as far</p>
+<p class="i2">As I can thrust it&mdash;this defines what
+&ldquo;cosset&rdquo; is&mdash;</p>
+<p>What woe that rhyme such scene of bliss must mar!</p>
+<p class="i2">But rhyme, alas! is one of my atrocities;</p>
+<p>In common with those bards who have the scratch</p>
+<p>Of writing, and are all right with Catnach.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;How Nancy Sniggles was the village pride,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">How Will, her sweetheart, went to be a sailor;</p>
+<p>How much at parting Nancy Sniggles cried,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">And how she snubb&rsquo;d her funny friend the
+tailor;</p>
+<p>How William boldly fought and bravely died;</p>
+<p class="i2">How Nancy Sniggles felt her senses fail
+her&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Then comes a sad <em>d&eacute;nouement</em>&mdash;now-a-days</p>
+<p>It is not virtue dominant that pays.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Such tales, in this, the post-octavo age,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our novelists incontinently tells us&mdash;</p>
+<p>Tales, wherein lovely heroines engage</p>
+<p class="i2">With highwaymen, good-looking rogues but callous,</p>
+<p>Who go on swimmingly till the last page,</p>
+<p class="i2">And then take poison to escape the gallows&mdash;</p>
+<p>Tales, whose original refinement teaches</p>
+<p>The pride of eloquence in&mdash;dying speeches!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>What an apotheosis have we here!</p>
+<p class="i2">What equal laws th&rsquo; awards of fame dispose!</p>
+<p>Capture a fort&mdash;assassinate a peer&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Alike be chronicled in startling prose&mdash;</p>
+<p>Alike be dramatised&mdash;(how near</p>
+<p class="i2">Is clever crime to virtue!)&mdash;at
+Tussaud&rsquo;s</p>
+<p>Be grouped with all the criminals at large,</p>
+<p>From burglar Sheppard unto fiend Laffarge!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The women are best judges after all!</p>
+<p class="i2">And Sheridan was right, and Plagi-ary;</p>
+<p>To their decision all things mundane fall,</p>
+<p class="i2">From court to counting-house; from square to
+dairy;</p>
+<p>From caps to chemistry; from tract to shawl,</p>
+<p class="i2">And then these female verdicts never vary!</p>
+<p>In fact, on lap-dogs, lovers, buhl, and boddices,</p>
+<p>There are no critics like these mortal goddesses!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>To please such readers, authors make it answer</p>
+<p class="i2">To trace a pedigree to the creation</p>
+<p>Of some old Saxon peer; a monstrous grandsire,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose battles tell, in print, to
+admiration&mdash;</p>
+<p>But I, unfortunate, have never once a</p>
+<p class="i2">Mysterious hint of any great relation;</p>
+<p>I know whether Shem or Japhet&mdash;right sir&mdash;</p>
+<p>Was my progenitor&mdash;nor care a kreutzer.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>For, though there&rsquo;s matter for regret in losing</p>
+<p class="i2">An opportune occasion to record</p>
+<p>The feats in gambling, duelling, seducing&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Conventional acquirements of a lord&mdash;</p>
+<p>Still I have stories startling and amusing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which I can tell and vouch, upon my word.</p>
+<p>To anybody who desires to hear &rsquo;em&mdash;</p>
+<p>But don&rsquo;t be nervous, pray,&mdash;you needn&rsquo;t fear
+&rsquo;em.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But what of my poor Hy-son all this while?</p>
+<p class="i2">She saved the gardener by a timely kiss.</p>
+<p>Few husbands are there proof against a smile,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Te-pott&rsquo;s rage endured no more than
+this.</p>
+<p>Ah, reader! gentle, moral, free from guile,</p>
+<p class="i2">Think you she did so <em>very</em> much amiss?</p>
+<p>She was not love-sick for the fellow quite&mdash;</p>
+<p>She merely <em>thought</em> of him&mdash;from morn till
+night!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A state of mind how much by parents dreaded!</p>
+<p class="i2">(By those outrageous parents, English mammas,</p>
+<p>Who scarcely own their daughters till they&rsquo;re
+wedded)&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">How postulant of patent Chubbs and Bramahs!</p>
+<p>And eyes&mdash;the safest locks when locks are
+needed!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">And Abigails, and homilies, and grammars;</p>
+<p>And other antidotes for &ldquo;detrimentals&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>Id est</em>, fine gentlemen unblest with rentals.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But this could not stop here; nor did it stop&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">For both were anxious for&mdash;an explanation.</p>
+<p>And in the harem&rsquo;s grating was a gap,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whence Hy-son peep&rsquo;d in modest hesitation;</p>
+<p>While on his spade the gardener would prop</p>
+<p class="i2">Himself, and issue looks of adoration;</p>
+<p>Until it happen&rsquo;d, like a lucky rhyme,</p>
+<p>Each for the other look&rsquo;d at the same time.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then fell the gardener upon his knees,</p>
+<p class="i2">And kiss&rsquo;d his hand in manner most
+devout&mdash;</p>
+<p>So Hy-son couldn&rsquo;t find the heart to tease</p>
+<p class="i2">The poor dear man by being in a pout;&mdash;</p>
+<p>Besides, she might go walk among the trees,</p>
+<p class="i2">And not a word of scandal be made out.</p>
+<p>She thought a&mdash;very&mdash;little more upon it,</p>
+<p>Then smiled to Sou-chong,&mdash;and put on her bonnet.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH AND THE SWISS GIANTESS!</h2>
+<h3>SHERIFFS&rsquo; COURT.&mdash;WEDNESDAY.</h3>
+<h4>BONBON <em>versus</em> PUNCH.</h4>
+<div class="note">
+<p>[This important cause came on for trial on Wednesday last. That
+it has not been reported in the morning papers is doubtless to be
+attributed to the most reckless bribery on the part of the
+plaintiff. He has, no doubt, sought to hush up his infamy; the
+defendant has no such contemptible cowardice. Hence a special
+reporter was engaged for PUNCH. The trial is given here, firstly,
+for the beautiful illustration it affords of the philosophy of the
+English law of <em>crim. con.</em>; and secondly on a
+principle&mdash;for PUNCH has principles&mdash;laid down by the
+defendant in his course of public life, to show himself to the
+world the man he really is. In pursuit of this moral and
+philosophical object, should the waywardness of his genius ever
+induce PUNCH to cut a throat, pick a pocket, or, as a Middlesex
+magistrate (for PUNCH has been upon the bench many a year), to
+offer for sale a tempting lot of liberty to any competent
+captive,&mdash;should PUNCH rob as a vulgar Old Bailey delinquent,
+or genteelly swindle as an Aldermanic share-holder,&mdash;in each
+and every of these cases there will, <em>on discovery</em>, be the
+fullest report of the same in PUNCH&rsquo;S own paper, PUNCH being
+deeply impressed with the belief that an exhibition of the
+weaknesses of a great man <span class="pagenum"><a id="page246"
+name="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> is highly beneficial to public
+philosophy and public morals. PUNCH now retires in favour of his
+&ldquo;own&rdquo; reporter.]</p>
+</div>
+<p>As early as six o&rsquo;clock in the morning, the neighbourhood
+of the court presented a most lively and bustling aspect. Carriages
+continued to arrive from the west-end; and we recognised scores of
+ladies whose names are familiar to the readers of the <em>Court
+Journal</em> and <em>Morning Post</em>. Several noblemen, amateurs
+of the subject, arrived on horseback. By eight o&rsquo;clock the
+four sides of Red Lion-square were, if we may be allowed the
+metaphor, a mass of living heads. We owe a debt of gratitude to Mr.
+Davis, the respected and conscientious officer for the Sheriff of
+Middlesex; that gentleman, in the kindest spirit of hospitality,
+allowing us six inches of his door-step when the crowd was at its
+greatest pressure. Several inmates of Mr. Davis&rsquo;s delightful
+mansion had a charming view of the scene from the top windows,
+where we observed bars of the most picturesque and <em>moyen
+age</em> description. At ten minutes to nine, Mr. Charles Phillips,
+counsel for the plaintiff, arrived in Lamb&rsquo;s Conduit-passage,
+and was loudly cheered. On the appearance of Mr. Adolphus, counsel
+for the defendant, a few miscreants in human shape essayed groans
+and hisses; they were, however, speedily put down by the New
+Police.</p>
+<p>We entered the court at nine o&rsquo;clock. The galleries were
+crowded with rank, beauty, and fashion. Conflicting odours of
+lavender, musk, and <em>Eau de Cologne</em> emanated from ladies on
+the bench, most of whom were furnished with opera-glasses,
+sandwich-boxes, and species of flasks, vulgarly known as
+pocket-pistols. In all our experience we never recollect such a
+thrill as that shot through the court, when the crier of the same
+called out&mdash;</p>
+<h4>BONBON <em>v</em>. PUNCH!</h4>
+<p>Mr. SMITH (a young yet rising barrister with green spectacles)
+with delicate primness opened the case. A considerable pause,
+when&mdash;</p>
+<p>Mr. CHARLES PHILLIPS, having successfully struggled with his
+feelings, rose to address the court for the plaintiff. The learned
+gentleman said it had been his hard condition as a barrister to see
+a great deal of human wickedness; but the case which, most
+reluctantly, he approached that day, made him utterly despair of
+the heart of man. He felt ashamed of his two legs, knowing that the
+defendant in this case was a biped. He had a horror of the
+mysterious iniquities of human nature&mdash;seeing that the
+defendant was a man, a housekeeper, and, what in this case trebled
+his infamy, a husband and a father. Gracious Heaven! when he
+reflected&mdash;but no; he would confine himself to a simple
+statement of facts. That simplicity would tell with a double-knock
+on the hearts of a susceptible jury. The afflicted, the agonised
+plaintiff was a public man. He was, until lately, the happy
+possessor of a spotless wife and an inimitable spring-van. It was
+was a union assented to by reason, smiled on by prudence. Mr.
+Bonbon was the envied owner of a perambulating exhibition: he
+counted among his riches a Spotted Boy, a New Zealand Cannibal, and
+a Madagascar Cow. The crowning rose was, however, to be gathered,
+and he plucked, and (as he fondly thought) made his own for ever,
+the Swiss Giantess! Mr. Bonbon had wealth in his van&mdash;the lady
+had wealth in herself; hence it was, in every respect, what the
+world would denominate an equal match.</p>
+<p>The learned counsel said he would call witnesses to prove the
+blissful atmosphere in which the parties lived, until the
+defendant, like a domestic upas-tree, tainted and polluted it. That
+van was another Eden, until PUNCH, the serpent, entered. The lady
+was a native of Switzerland&mdash;yes, of Switzerland. Oh, that he
+(the learned gentleman) could follow her to her early
+home!&mdash;that he could paint her with the first blush and dawn
+of innocence, tinting her virgin cheek as the morning sun tinted
+the unsullied snows of her native Jungfrau!&mdash;that he could
+lead the gentlemen of the jury to that Swiss cottage where the
+gentle F&eacute;licit&eacute; (such was the lady&rsquo;s name)
+lisped her early prayer&mdash;that he could show them the mountains
+that had echoed with her songs (since made so very popular by
+Madame Stockhausen)&mdash;that he could conjure up in that court
+the goats whose lacteal fluid was wont to yield to the pressure of
+her virgin fingers&mdash;the kids that gambolled and made holiday
+about her&mdash;the birds that whistled in her path&mdash;the
+streams that flowed at her feet&mdash;the avalanches, with their
+majestic thunder, that fell about her. Would he could subpoena such
+witnesses! then would the jury feel, what his poor words could
+never make them feel&mdash;the loss of his injured client. On one
+hand would be seen the simple Swiss maiden&mdash;a violet among the
+rocks&mdash;a mountain dove&mdash;an inland pearl&mdash;a rainbow
+of the glaciers&mdash;a creature pure as her snows, but not as
+cold; and on the other the fallen wife&mdash;a monument of shame!
+This was a commercial country; and the jury would learn with
+additional horror that it was in the sweet confidence of a
+commercial transaction that the defendant obtained access to his
+interesting victim. Yes, gentlemen, (said Mr. P.,) it was under the
+base, the heartless, the dastardly excuse of business, that the
+plaintiff poured his venom in the ear of a too confiding woman. He
+had violated the sacred bonds of human society&mdash;the noblest
+ties that hold the human heart&mdash;the sweetest tendrils that
+twine about human affections. This should be shown to the jury.
+Letters from the plaintiff would be read, in which his
+heart&mdash;or rather that ace of spades he carried in his breast
+and called his heart&mdash;would be laid bare in open court. But
+the gentlemen of the jury would teach a terrible lesson that day.
+They would show that the socialist should not guide his accursed
+bark into the tranquil seas of domestic comfort, and anchor it upon
+the very hearthstone of conjugal felicity. No&mdash;as the
+gentlemen of the jury were husbands and fathers, as they were
+fathers and not husbands, as they were neither one nor the other,
+but hoped to be both&mdash;they would that day hurl such a
+thunderbolt at the pocket of the defendant&mdash;they would so
+thrice-gild the incurable ulcers of the plaintiff, that all the
+household gods of the United Empire would hymn them to their mighty
+rest, and Hymen himself keep continual carnival at their
+amaranthine hearths. &ldquo;Gentlemen of the jury (said the learned
+counsel in conclusion), I leave you with a broken heart in your
+hands! A broken heart, gentlemen! Creation&rsquo;s masterpiece,
+flawed cracked, SHIVERED TO BITS! See how the blood flows from
+it&mdash;mark where its strings are cut and cut&mdash;its delicate
+fibres violated&mdash;its primitive aroma evaporated to all the
+winds of heaven. Make that heart your own, gentlemen, and say at
+how many pounds you value the demoniac damage. And oh, may your
+verdict still entitle you to the blissful confidence of that
+divine, purpureal sex, the fairest floral specimens of which I see
+before me! May their unfolding fragrance make sweet your daily
+bread; and when you die, from the tears of conjugal love, may thyme
+and sweet marjoram spring and blossom above your graves!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Here the emotion of the court was unparalleled in the memory of
+the oldest attorney. Showers of tears fell from the gallery, so
+that there was a sudden demand for umbrellas.</p>
+<p>The learned counsel sat down, and, having wiped his eyes, ate a
+sandwich.</p>
+<p>There were other letters, but we have selected the least
+glowing. Mr. Charles Phillips then called his witnesses.</p>
+<p>Peter Snooks examined: Was employed by plaintiff; recollected
+defendant coming to the van to propose a speculation, in which
+Madame Bonbon was to play with him. Defendant came very often when
+plaintiff was out. Once caught Madame Bonbon on defendant&rsquo;s
+knee. Once heard Madame Bonbon say, &ldquo;Bless your darling
+nose!&rdquo; Was sure it was defendant&rsquo;s nose. Was shocked at
+her levity, but consented to go for gin&mdash;Madame found the
+money. Had a glass myself, and drank their healths. Plaintiff never
+beat his wife; he couldn&rsquo;t: they were of very uneven habits;
+she was seven feet four, plaintiff was four feet seven.</p>
+<p>Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Plaintiff was dreadfully
+afflicted at infidelity of his wife: had become quite
+desperate&mdash;never sober since; was never sober before. On first
+night of the news plaintiff was quite delirious; took six plates of
+alamode beef, and two pots of porter.</p>
+<p>Sarah Pillowcase examined: Was chambermaid at the Tinder-box and
+Flint, New Cut; had known defendant since she was a
+child&mdash;also knew plaintiff&rsquo;s wife. They came together on
+the 1st of April, about twelve at night. Understood they had been
+in a private box at the Victoria with an order. They had twelve
+dozen of oysters for supper, and eight Welch-rabbits: the lady
+found the money. Thought, of course, they were married, or would
+rather have died than have served them. They made a hearty
+breakfast: the lady found the money.</p>
+<p>Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Would swear to the lady, as she
+had once paid a shilling to see her.</p>
+<p>(Here it was intimated by the learned judge that ladies might
+leave the court if they chose; it was evident, however, that no
+lady heard such intimation, as no lady stirred.)</p>
+<p>Cross-examination continued: Yes, would swear it. Knew the
+obligation of an oath, and would swear it.</p>
+<p>This ended the case for the plaintiff.</p>
+<p>Mr. ADOLPHUS addressed the court for the defendant. He had not
+the golden tongue&mdash;no, he was not blessed with the oratory of
+his learned friend. He would therefore confine himself to the
+common sense view of the question. He was not talking to Arcadian
+shepherds (he was very happy to see his own butcher in the
+jury-box), but to men of business. If there had been any arts
+practised, it was on the side of the plaintiff&rsquo;s wife. His
+client had visited the plaintiff out of pure compassion. The
+plaintiff&rsquo;s show was a failing concern; his client, with a
+benevolence which had marked his long career, wished to give him
+the benefit of his own attractions, joined to those of the woman.
+Well, the plaintiff knew the value of money, and therefore left his
+wife and the defendant to arrange the affair between them.
+&ldquo;Gentlemen of the jury,&rdquo; continued the learned counsel,
+&ldquo;it must appear to you, that on the part of the plaintiff
+this is not an affair of the heart, but a matter of the
+breeches&rsquo; pocket. He leaves his wife&mdash;a fascinating,
+versatile creature&mdash;with my client, I confess it, an
+acknowledged man of gallantry. Well, the result is&mdash;what was
+to be expected. My learned friend has dwelt, with his accustomed
+eloquence, on his client&rsquo;s broken heart. I will not speak of
+his heart; but I must say that the man who, bereaved of the partner
+of his bosom, can still eat six plates of alamode beef, must have a
+most excellent stomach. Gentlemen, beware of giving heavy damages
+in this case, or otherwise you will unconsciously be the promoters
+of great immorality. This is no paradox, gentlemen; for I am
+credibly informed that if the man succeed in getting large damages,
+he will immediately take his wife home to his bosom and his van,
+and instead of exhibiting her, as he has hitherto done, for one
+penny, he will, on the strength of the notoriety of this trial, and
+as a man knowing the curiosity of society, immediately advance that
+penny to threepence. You will, therefore, consider your verdict,
+gentlemen, and give such moderate damages as will entirely mend the
+plaintiff&rsquo;s broken heart.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The jury, without retiring from the box, returned a verdict of
+&ldquo;Damages One Farthing!&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We are credibly informed&mdash;though the evidence was not
+adduced in court&mdash;that Monsieur Bonbon first suspected his
+dishonour from his wife&rsquo;s hair papers. She had most
+negligently curled her tresses in the soft paper epistles of her
+<em>innamorato</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page247" name="page247"></a>[pg
+247]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. XXI.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-03.png"><img src=
+"images/021-03.png" alt=
+"A man with Cupid's wings sits in a chair picking his teeth with an arrow. A quiver is marked 'Protocols'"
+id="img021-03" name="img021-03" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>CUPID OUT OF PLACE.</p>
+<p style="text-align:right;"><em>From a Sketch made in &ldquo;THE
+PALMERSTON GALLERY.&rdquo;</em></p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 248] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page249" name="page249"></a>[pg
+249]</span>
+<h2>THE FETES FOR THE POLISH&mdash;AND FATE OF THE BRITISH
+POOR.</h2>
+<p>&ldquo;Charity begins at home,&rdquo; says, or rather said, an
+admirable old proverb; but alack! the adage, or the times, or both,
+are out of joint&mdash;the wholesome maxim has lost its
+force&mdash;and homes for Charity must now be far as the
+<em>Poles</em> asunder, ere the benign influence of the weeping
+goddess can fall upon its wretched supplicants.</p>
+<p>In private life the neglect of a domestic hearth for the
+vainglorious squandering abroad of the means that could and ought
+to render that the chief seat of comfort and independence, calls
+down upon the thoughtless and heartless squanderer and abuser of
+his means the just indignation and merited contempt of every
+thinking and properly constituted mind. The &ldquo;Charity&rdquo;
+that does not begin at home is the worst species of unjustifiable
+prodigality, and the first step to the absolute ruin of the
+&ldquo;nearest and dearest&rdquo; for the sake of the profligate
+and abandoned. And no sophistry can justify the apparent liberality
+that deprives others of their just and urgent dues.</p>
+<p>It may be and is most noble to feed the widow and to clothe the
+orphan; but where is the beneficence of the deed if the wife and
+children of the ostentatious donor&mdash;the victims of the
+performance of such acts&mdash;are left themselves to endure misery
+and privations, from which his inadequate means cannot exempt the
+stranger and the giver&rsquo;s own household!</p>
+<p>The sparrow who unwittingly rears the cuckoo&rsquo;s spurious
+offspring, tending with care the ultimate destroyer of its own
+young, does so in perfect ignorance of the results about to follow
+the misplaced affection. The cravings of the interloper are
+satisfied to the detriment of its own offspring; and when the
+full-fledged recipient of its misplaced bounty no longer needs its
+aid, the thankless stranger wings its way on its far-off course,
+selfishly careless of the fostering bird that brought it into life;
+and this may be looked upon as one of the results generally
+attendant upon a blind forgetfulness of <em>where</em> our first
+endeavours for the amelioration of the wants of others should be
+made.</p>
+<p>It has ever been the crying sin of the vastly sympathetic to
+weep for the miseries of the distant, and blink at the wretchedness
+their eyes&mdash;if not their hearts&mdash;must ache to see. Their
+charity must have its proper stage, their sentiments the proper
+objects,&mdash;and their imaginations the undisturbed right to
+revel in the supposititious grievances of the far-off wretched and
+oppressed. The poor black man! the tortured slave! the benighted
+infidel! the debased image of his maker! the sunken bondsman! These
+terms must be the &ldquo;Open sesame&rdquo; for the breasts from
+whence spring bibles, bribes, blankets, glass beads, pocket-combs,
+tracts, teachers, missions, and missionaries. Oppression is what
+they would put down; but then the oppression must be of
+&ldquo;foreign manufacture.&rdquo; Your English, genuine home-made
+article, though as superior in strength and endurance as our own
+canvas is to the finest fold of gauze-like cambric, is in their
+opinion a thing not worth a thought. A half oppressed Caffre is an
+object of ten thousand times more sympathy than a wholly oppressed
+Englishman; a half-starved Pole the more fitting recipient of the
+same proportion of actual bounty to a wholly starving peasant of
+our own land of law and liberty.</p>
+<p>Let one-tenth the disgusting details so nobly exposed in the
+<em>Times</em> newspaper, as to the frightful state of some of our
+legalised poor law inquisitions, appear as extracts from the
+columns of a <em>foreign</em> journal, stating such treatment to
+exist amongst a foreign population, and mark the result. Why, the
+town would teem with meetings and the papers with speeches. Royal,
+noble, and honourable chairmen and vice chairmen would launch out
+their just anathemas against the heartless despots whose realms
+were disgraced by such atrocities. Think, think of the aged poor
+torn from their kindred, caged in a prison, refused all aid within,
+debarred from every hope without,&mdash;think of the flesh, the
+very flesh, rotting by slow degrees, and then in putrid masses
+falling from their wretched bones: think, we say, on
+this&mdash;then give what name you can, save murder, to their
+quickly succeeding death.</p>
+<p>Fancy children&mdash;children that should be in their
+prime&mdash;so caged and fed that the result is disease in its most
+loathsome form, and with all its most appalling consequences! No
+hope! no flight! The yet untainted, as it were, chained to the
+spot, with mute despair watching the slow infection, and with
+breaking hearts awaiting the hour&mdash;the moment&mdash;when it
+<em>must</em> reach to them!</p>
+<p>We say, think of these things&mdash;not as if they were the
+doings in England, and therefore legalised matters of
+course&mdash;but think of them as the arts of some despot in a
+far-off colony, and oh, how all hearts would burn&mdash;all tongues
+curse and call for vengeance on the abetors of such atrocities!</p>
+<p>The supporters of the rights of man would indeed pour forth
+their eloquent denunciations against the oppressors of the absent.
+The poetry of passion would be exhausted to depict the frightful
+state of the crimeless and venerable victim of tyranny, bowing his
+grey hairs with sorrow to the grave; while the wailing of the
+helpless innocents <em>different indeed in colour</em>, but in
+heart and spirit like ourselves, being sprung from the one great
+source, would echo throughout the land, and find responses in every
+bosom not lost to the kindly feelings of good-will towards its
+fellows! Had the would-be esteemed philanthropists but these
+&ldquo;<em>foreign cues</em> for passion,&rdquo; they would
+indeed</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">&ldquo;Drown the stage with tears,</p>
+<p>And cleave the general ear with horrid speech;</p>
+<p>Make mad the guilty, and appal the free;</p>
+<p>Confound the ignorant; and amaze, indeed,</p>
+<p>The very faculties of eyes and ears.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>But, alas! there is no such motive; these most destitute of
+Destitution&rsquo;s children are simply fellow-countrymen and
+fellow-Christians. Sons of the same soil, and worshippers of the
+same God, they need no good works in the way of proselyzation to
+save them from eternal perdition; consequently they receive no help
+to keep them from temporal torture.</p>
+<p>To convince themselves that these remarks are neither
+unwarrantably severe, nor in the slightest degree overcharged, let
+our readers not only refer to the revolting doings chronicled in
+the <em>Times</em>, but let them find the further illustration of
+this <em>foreign penchant</em> in the recent doings at the
+magnificently-attended ball given in behalf of the <em>Polish
+Refugees</em>, and consequently commanding the support of the
+humane, enlightened, and charitable English; and then let them cast
+their eyes over the cold shoulder turned towards a proposition for
+the <em>same</em> act of charity being consummated for the relief
+of the poverty-stricken and starving families of the destitute and
+deserving artisans now literally starving under their very eyes,
+located no farther off than in the wretched locality of
+Spitalfields! An opinion&mdash;and doubtless an honest one&mdash;is
+given by the Lord Mayor, that any attempt to relieve <em>their
+wants</em>, in the way found so efficacious for <em>the Polish
+Refugees</em>, would be madness, inasmuch as it would, <em>as
+heretofore</em>, prove an absolute failure. Reader, is there
+anything of the cuckoo and the sparrow in the above assertion? Is
+it not true? And if it is so, is it not a more than crying evil? Is
+it not a most vile blot upon our laws&mdash;a most beastly libel
+upon our creed and our country? Is no relief ever to be given to
+the immediate objects who should be the persons benefited by our
+bounty? Are those who, in the prosperity proceeding from their
+unceasing and ill-paid toil, added their quota to the succour of
+others, now that poverty has fallen on them, to be left the sport
+of fortune and the slaves of suffering? Do good, we say, in
+God&rsquo;s name, to all, if good can be done to all. But do not
+rob the lamb of its natural due&mdash;its mother&rsquo;s
+nourishment&mdash;to waste it on an alien. There is no spirit of
+illiberality in these remarks; they are put forward to advocate the
+rights of our own destitute countrymen&mdash;to claim for them a
+share of the lavish commiseration bestowed on others&mdash;to call
+attention to the desolation of <em>their</em> hearths&mdash;the
+wreck of their comforts&mdash;the awful condition of their starving
+and dependent families&mdash;and to give the really charitable an
+opportunity of reserving some of their kindnesses for home
+consumption. Let this be their <em>just</em> object, and not one
+among the relieved would withhold his mite from their suffering
+fellows in other climes. But in Heaven&rsquo;s name, let the adage
+root itself once more in every Englishman&rsquo;s &ldquo;heart of
+hearts,&rdquo; and once more let &ldquo;Charity begin at
+home!&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE FIRE AT THE ADELPHI THEATRE.</h3>
+<p>Yates was nearly treating the enlightened British public with an
+antidote to &ldquo;the vast receptacle of 8,000 tons of
+water,&rdquo; by setting fire to the saloon chimney. Great as the
+consternation of the audience was in the front, it was far exceeded
+by the alarm of the actors behind the curtain, for they are so
+sensible of the manager&rsquo;s daring genius, that they concluded
+he had set fire to the house in order to convert &ldquo;the space
+usually devoted to <em>illusion</em> into the area of
+reality.&rdquo; The great Mr. Freeborn actually rushed out of the
+theatre without his rouge. Little Paul drank off a glass of neat
+water. Mr. John Sanders was met at the end of Maiden Lane, with his
+legs thrust into the sleeves of his coat, and the rest of his body
+encased in the upper part of a property dragon; whilst little round
+Wilkinson was vainly endeavouring to squeeze himself into a wooden
+waterspout. Had he succeeded he might have applied for the reward
+offered by the Royal Society for a method of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-04.png"><img src=
+"images/021-04.png" alt=
+"A man holds up a broken hoop, part of which has been straightened into an L shape."
+id="img021-04" name="img021-04" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>SQUARING THE CIRCLE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page250" name="page250"></a>[pg
+250]</span>
+<h2>THE CRIMES OF EATING.</h2>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/021-05.png"><img src=
+"images/021-05.png" alt="Two whales 'kiss' to form a letter S." id=
+"img021-05" name="img021-05" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">S</span>ir Robert Peel and her
+Majesty&rsquo;s Ministers have, we learn, taken a hint in criminal
+jurisprudence from his Worship the Mayor of Reading, and are now
+preparing a bill for Parliament, which they trust will be the means
+of checking the alarming desire for food which has begun to spread
+amongst the poorer classes of society. The crime of eating has
+latterly been indulged in to such an immoderate extent by the
+operatives of Yorkshire and the other manufacturing districts, that
+we do not wonder at our sagacious Premier adopting strong measures
+to suppress the unnatural and increasing appetites of the
+people.</p>
+<p>Taking up the sound judicial views of the great functionary
+above alluded to, who committed Bernard Cavanagh, the fasting man,
+to prison for smelling at a saveloy and a slice of ham, Sir Robert
+has laid down a graduated&mdash;we mean a
+<em>sliding&mdash;scale</em> of penalties for the crime of eating,
+proportioning, with the most delicate skill, the exact amount of
+the punishment to the enormity of the offence. By his profound
+wisdom he has discovered that the great increase of crime in these
+countries is entirely attributable to over-feeding the multitude.
+Like the worthy Mr. Bumble, in &ldquo;Oliver Twist,&rdquo; he
+protests &ldquo;it is meat and not madness&rdquo; that ails the
+people. He can even trace the origin of every felony to the
+particular kind of food in which the felon has indulged. He detects
+incipient incendiarism in eggs and fried bacon&mdash;homicide in an
+Irish stew&mdash;robbery and house-breaking in a basin of
+mutton-broth&mdash;and an aggravated assault in a pork sausage.
+Upon this noble and statesmanlike theory Sir Robert has based a
+bill which, when it becomes the law of the land, will, we feel
+assured, tend effectually to keep the rebellious stomachs of the
+people in a state of wholesome depletion. And as we now punish
+those offenders who break the Queen&rsquo;s peace, we shall, in
+like manner, then inflict the law upon the hungry scoundrels who
+dare to break the Queen&rsquo;s Fast.</p>
+<p>We have been enabled, through a private source, to obtain the
+following authentic copy of Sir Robert&rsquo;s scale of the
+offences under the intended Act, with the penalty attached to each,
+viz.:</p>
+<table summary="Eating penalties" style="width:80%;margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td>For penny rolls or busters</td>
+<td>Imprisonment not exceeding a week.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For bread of any kind, with cheese or butter</td>
+<td>Imprisonment for a month.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For saveloys, German sausages, and Black puddings</td>
+<td>One month's imprisonment, with hard labour.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For a slice of ham, bacon, or meat of any kind</td>
+<td>Imprisonment for three months, and exercise on the
+treadmill.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For a hearty dinner on beef and pudding</td>
+<td>Transportation for seven years.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For do. with a pot of home-brewed ale.</td>
+<td>Transportation for life.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>As these offences apply only to those who have no right to eat,
+the wealthy and respectable portion of society need be under no
+apprehension that they will be exposed to any inconvenience by the
+operation of the new law.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>NOBODY CARES AND*</h3>
+<p>WELLINGTON has justified his claim to the <em>sobriquet</em> of
+&lsquo;the iron Duke&rsquo; by the manner in which he treated the
+deputation from Paisley. His Grace excused himself from listening
+to the tale of misery which several gentlemen had travelled 500
+miles to narrate to him, on the plea that he was not a Minister of
+the Crown. Yet we have a right to presume that the Queen prorogued
+Parliament upon his Grace&rsquo;s recommendation, so if he be not
+one of Peel&rsquo;s Cabinet what is he? We suppose</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-06.png"><img src=
+"images/021-06.png" alt="A man who is all nose." id="img021-06"
+name="img021-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>* NOBODY NOSE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>HINTS HOW TO ENJOY AN OMNIBUS.</h3>
+<ol>
+<li>
+<p>On getting in, care neither for toes or knees of the passengers;
+but drive your way up to the top, steadying yourself by the
+shoulders, chests, or even faces of those seated.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Seat yourself with a jerk, pushing against one neighbour, and
+thrusting your elbow into the side of the other. You will thus get
+plenty of room.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>If possible, enter with a stick or umbrella, pointed at full
+length; so that any sudden move of the &ldquo;bus&rdquo; may thrust
+it into some one&rsquo;s stomach. It will make you feared.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>When seated, occupy, if possible, the room of two, and revenge
+the treatment you have received on entering, by throwing every
+opposition in the way of a new-comer, especially if it be a woman
+with a child in her arms. It is a good plan to rest firmly on your
+umbrella, with your arms at right angles.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Open or shut windows as it suits you; men with colds, or women
+with toothaches, have no business in omnibuses. If they don&rsquo;t
+like it, they can get out; no one <em>forces</em> them to ride.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Young bucks may stare any decent woman out of countenance, put
+their legs up along the seats, and if going out to dinner, wipe the
+mud off their boots on the seats. They are only plush.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>If middle-aged gentlemen are musical or political, they can
+dislocate a tune in something between a bark and a grumble, or
+endeavour to provoke an argument by declaring very loudly that Lord
+R&mdash;&mdash; or the Duke &ldquo;is a thorough scoundrel,&rdquo;
+according to their opinion of public affairs. If this don&rsquo;t
+take, they can keep up a perpetual squabble with the conductor,
+which will show they think themselves of some importance.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Ladies wishing to be agreeable can bring lap dogs, large paper
+parcels, and children, to whom an omnibus is a ship, though you
+wish you were out of their reach.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Conductors should particularly aim to take up laundresses
+returning with a large family washing, bakers and butchers in their
+working jackets, and, if a wet day, should be particular not to
+pull up to the pathway.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>For want of space, the following brevities must
+suffice:&mdash;Never say where you wish to stop until after you
+have passed the place, and then pull them up with a sudden jerk.
+Keep your money in your waistcoat-pocket, and button your under and
+upper coat completely, and never attempt to get at it until the
+door is opened, and then let it be nothing under a five-shilling
+piece. Never ask any one to speak to the conductor for you, but hit
+or poke him with your umbrella or stick, or rap his hand as it
+rests on the door. He puts it there on purpose. Always stop the
+wrong omnibus, and ask if the Paddington goes to Walworth, and the
+Kennington to Whitechapel: you are not obliged to read all the
+rigmarole they paint on the outside. Finally, consider an omnibus
+as a carriage, a bed, a public-house, a place of amusement, or a
+boxing-ring, where you may ride, sleep, smoke, chaff, or quarrel,
+as it may suit you.</p>
+</li>
+</ol>
+<hr />
+<h3>PETER THE GREAT (FOOL?)</h3>
+<p>The following colloquy occurred between a candidate for suicidal
+fame and the City&rsquo;s Peter Laureate:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So, sir, you tried to hang yourself, did you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In course I did, or I should not have put my head in the
+noose.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You had no business to do so.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I did it for my pleasure, not for business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll let you see, sir, you shan&rsquo;t do it
+either for fun or earnest.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Are you a Tory, Sir Peter?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A Tory, sir! No, sir; I&rsquo;m a magistrate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, that&rsquo;s why you interfere; you must be a low
+Rad, or you wouldn&rsquo;t prevent a man from</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-07.png"><img src=
+"images/021-07.png" alt="A man holds a paddle up to a woman." id=
+"img021-07" name="img021-07" width="70%" /></a>
+<p>DOING WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS HONE.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE WISE MAN OF THE EAST.</h3>
+<p>SIR PETER LAURIE begs Punch to inform him, which of
+Arabia&rsquo;s Children is alluded to in Moore&rsquo;s beautiful
+ballad,</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Farewell to thee, Araby&rsquo;s daughter.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>He presumes it is Miss Elizabeth, commonly called
+<em>Bess-Arabia</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page251" name="page251"></a>[pg
+251]</span>
+<h3>SONGS OF THE SEEDY.&mdash;No. VII.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I love the night with its mantle dark,</p>
+<p class="i4">That hangs like a cloak on the face of the sky;</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh what to me is the song of the lark?</p>
+<p class="i4">Give me the owl; and I&rsquo;ll tell you why.</p>
+<p class="i2">It is that at night I can walk abroad,</p>
+<p class="i4">Which I may not do in the garish day,</p>
+<p class="i2">Without being met in the streets, and bored</p>
+<p class="i4">By some cursed dun, that I cannot pay.</p>
+<p class="i10">No! no! night let it ever be:</p>
+<p>The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Then tempt me not with thy soft guitar,</p>
+<p class="i4">And thy voice like the sound of a silver bell,</p>
+<p class="i2">To take a stroll, where the cold ones are</p>
+<p class="i4">Who in lanes, not of trees but of
+fetters<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. Fetter-lane is clearly
+alluded to by the poet. It is believed to be the bailiffs&rsquo;
+quarter.</span>, dwell.</p>
+<p class="i2">But wait until night upsets its ink</p>
+<p class="i4">On the earth, on the sea, and all over the sky,</p>
+<p class="i2">And then I&rsquo;ll go to the wide world&rsquo;s
+brink</p>
+<p class="i4">With the girl I love, without feeling shy.</p>
+<p class="i10">Oh, then, may it night for ever be!</p>
+<p>The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">But you turn aside! Ah! did you know,</p>
+<p class="i4">What by searching the office you&rsquo;d plainly
+see,</p>
+<p class="i2">That I&rsquo;m hunted down, like a (Richard) Roe,</p>
+<p class="i4">You&rsquo;d not thus avert your eyes from me.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh never did giant look after Thumb</p>
+<p class="i4">(When the latter was keeping out of the way)</p>
+<p class="i2">With a more tremendous fee-fo-fum</p>
+<p class="i4">Than I&rsquo;m pursued by a dread <em>fi-fa</em>.</p>
+<p class="i2">Too-whit! too-whit! is the owl&rsquo;s sad song!</p>
+<p class="i4">A writ! a writ! a writ! when mid the throng,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is ringing in my ears the whole day long.</p>
+<p class="i10">Ah me! night let it be:</p>
+<p>The owl! the stately owl! is the bird&mdash;yes, the bird for
+me!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>POPISH RED-DRESS.</h3>
+<p>The <em>Examiner</em> states that there is no such fabric as
+scarlet cloth made in Ireland. If this be true, the Lady of
+Babylon, who is said to reside in that country, and to be addicted
+to scarlet clothing, must be in a very destitute condition.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A SPOON CASE.</h3>
+<p>A well-dressed individual has lately been visiting the
+lodging-house keepers of the metropolis. He engages
+lodgings&mdash;but being, as he says, just arrived from a long
+journey, he begs to have dinner before he returns to the
+Coach-Office for his luggage. This request being usually complied
+with, the new lodger, while the table is being laid, watches his
+opportunity and bolts with the silver spoons. Sir Peter Laurie
+says, that since this practice of filching the spoons has
+commenced, he does not feel himself safe in his own house. He only
+hopes the thief may be brought before him, and he promises to give
+him his <em>dessert</em>, by committing him without</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-08.png"><img src=
+"images/021-08.png" alt="Two cats fight over a plate of scraps."
+id="img021-08" name="img021-08" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>STANDING UPON CEREMONY.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A DAB FOR LAURIE.</h3>
+<p>SIR PETER LAURIE, on a recent visit to Billingsgate for the
+purpose of making what he calls a <em>pisciatery</em> tour, was
+much astonished at the vigorous performance of various of the real
+&ldquo;live fish,&rdquo; some of which, as he sagely remarked,
+appeared to be perfect &ldquo;Dabs&rdquo; at jumping, and no doubt
+legitimate descendants from some particularly</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-09.png"><img src=
+"images/021-09.png" alt="A satisfied-looking fish smoking a pipe."
+id="img021-09" name="img021-09" width="30%" /></a>
+<p>MERRY OLD SOLE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIBTHORPS CORNER.</h3>
+<p>If old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply
+the deficiency?&mdash;To a gin-palace, because there they
+<em>re-tail</em> bad spirits.</p>
+<p>Mr. G., who has a very ugly wife, named Euphemia, was asked
+lately why his spouse was the image of himself&mdash;and, to his
+great annoyance, discovered that it was because she was his
+<em>Effie-G</em><sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. I could make
+better than the above myself. E.G.&mdash;In what way should Her
+Majesty stand upon a Bill in Parliament so as to quash it?&mdash;By
+putting her <em>V-toe</em> (<em>veto</em>) on
+it.&mdash;PRINTER&rsquo;S DEVIL.</span>.</p>
+<p>I floored Ben-beau D&rsquo;Israeli the other day with the
+following:&mdash;&ldquo;Ben,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;if I were going
+to buy a violin, what method should I take to get it cheap?&rdquo;
+Benjie looked rather more foolish than usual, and gave it up.
+&ldquo;Why, you ninny,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;I should buy an
+ounce of castor-oil, and then I would get a phial in
+(<em>violin</em>).&rdquo; I think I had him there.</p>
+<p>Why is a female of the canine species suckling her whelps like a
+philosophic principle?&mdash;Because she is a dogma
+(<em>dog-ma</em>).</p>
+<p>What part of a horse&rsquo;s foot is like an irate
+governor?&mdash;The pastern (<em>pa-stern</em>).</p>
+<p>Why is the march of a funeral procession like a
+turnpike?&mdash;Because it is a toll-gait (<em>toll-gate</em>).</p>
+<p>Who is the greatest literary <em>star</em>?&mdash;The
+<em>poet-aster</em>.</p>
+<p>Why is an Israelite named William Solomons similar to a great
+public festival?&mdash;Because he is a Jubilee
+(<em>Jew-Billy</em>).</p>
+<p>Why are polished manners like a pea-jacket?&mdash;Because they
+are address (<em>a dress</em>).</p>
+<p>Why are swallows like a leap head-over-heels?&mdash;Because they
+are a summer set (<em>a somerset</em>).</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CUTTING IT RATHER SHORT.</h3>
+<p>The unexpected adjournment of the Court of Queen&rsquo;s Bench,
+by Lord Denman, on last Thursday, has filled the bar with
+consternation.&mdash;&ldquo;What is to become of our
+clients?&rdquo; said Fitzroy Kelly.&mdash;&ldquo;And of our
+fees?&rdquo; added the Solicitor General.&mdash;&ldquo;I feel
+deeply for my clients,&rdquo; sighed Serjeant
+Bompas.&mdash;&ldquo;We all compassionate them, brother,&rdquo;
+observed Wilde.&mdash;In short, one and all declare it was a most
+arbitrary and unprecedented curtailment of their little
+<em>term</em>&mdash;and, to say the least of it,</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-10.png"><img src=
+"images/021-10.png" alt="A man sweats while playing a trumpet." id=
+"img021-10" name="img021-10" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A MOST DISTRESSING BLOW.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>NATIONAL DISTRESS.</h3>
+<p>The Tee-totallers say that the majority of the people are
+victims to Bacchus. In the present hard times they are more likely
+to be victims to</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-11.png"><img src=
+"images/021-11.png" alt="A man holds up an empty jug." id=
+"img021-11" name="img021-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>JUG O&rsquo; NOUGHT&mdash;(JUGGERNAUT.)</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page252" name="page252"></a>[pg
+252]</span>
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.&mdash;No. 12.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Away! away! ye hopes which stray</p>
+<p class="i2">Like jeering spectres from the tomb!</p>
+<p>Ye cannot light the coming night,</p>
+<p class="i2">And shall not mock its gathering gloom;</p>
+<p>Though dark the cloud shall form my shroud&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Though danger league with racking doubt&mdash;</p>
+<p>Away! away! <em>ye</em> shall not stay</p>
+<p class="i2">When all my joys are &ldquo;up the spout!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I little knew when first ye threw</p>
+<p class="i2">Your bright&rsquo;ning beams on coming hours,</p>
+<p>That time would see me turn from thee,</p>
+<p class="i2">And fly your sweet delusive powers.</p>
+<p>Now, nerved to woe, no more I&rsquo;ll know</p>
+<p class="i2">How hope deferr&rsquo;d makes mortal sick;</p>
+<p>The gathering storm may whelm my form,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I will suffer &ldquo;like a brick!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>LAURIE&rsquo;S RAILLERY.</h3>
+<p>When Sir Peter Laurie had taken his seat the other morning in
+that Temple of Momus, the Guildhall Justice Room, he was thus
+addressed by Payne, the clerk&mdash;&ldquo;I see, Sir Peter, an
+advertisement in the <em>Times</em>, announcing the sale of shares
+in the railroad from Paris to ROUEN; would you advise me to invest
+a little loose cash in that speculation?&rdquo; &ldquo;Certainly
+not,&rdquo; replied the Knight, &ldquo;nor in any other
+railway,&mdash;depend upon it, they all lead to the same terminus,
+RUIN.&rdquo; Payne, having exclaimed that this was the best thing
+he had ever heard, was presented by our own Alderman with a
+shilling, accompanied with a request that he would get his hair
+cropped to the magisterial standard.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A MEETING OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES.</h3>
+<p>At the sale of the library of the late Theodore Hook, a curious
+copy of &ldquo;The Complete Jester&rdquo; was knocked down to
+&ldquo;our own&rdquo; Colonel. Delighted with his prize, he ran
+home, intending to lay in a fresh stock of <em>bons mots</em>; but
+what was his amazement on finding that all the jokes contained in
+the volume were those with which he has been in the habit of
+entertaining the public these last forty years! Sibby declares that
+the sight of so many old friends actually brought the tears into
+his eyes.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<h3>LOVE EXTEMPORE.</h3>
+<p>As the hero of a romantic play is obliged to possess all the
+cardinal virtues and all the intellectual accomplishments, so the
+hero of a farce is bound to be a fool. One of the greatest, and at
+the same time one of the best fools it has been our pleasure to be
+introduced to for some time is <em>Mr. Titus Livingstone</em>, in
+the new farce of &ldquo;Love Extempore.&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Mr. Titus Livingstone</em> possesses an excellent heart, a
+good fortune, and an uncommon stock of modesty. His intellects are,
+however, far from brilliant; indeed, but for one trait in his
+character he would pass for an idiot,&mdash;he has had the good
+sense never as yet to fall in love! In fact, the farce is founded
+upon that identical incident of his life which occasioned him to
+suppose that he had taken the tender passion extempore.</p>
+<p>Some sort of villany seems absolutely necessary to every species
+of play. To continue the parallel we commenced with between tragedy
+and farce, we observe that in the former he is usually such a
+person as <em>Spinola</em>, in &ldquo;Nina Sforza,&rdquo; whilst a
+farce-villain turns out to be in most instances an intriguing
+widow, a lawyer, or a mischievous young lady. The rogue in
+&ldquo;Love Extempore&rdquo; is <em>Mrs. Courtnay</em>, a widow,
+who, with the assistance of <em>Sir Harry Nugent</em>, contrives a
+plot by which the hitherto insensible <em>Livingstone</em> shall
+fall a victim to love and her friend <em>Prudence Oldstock</em>;
+with whose mother and sister the widow and her co-intriguant are
+staying on a visit.</p>
+<p>The moment fatal to Livingstone&rsquo;s virgin heart and
+unrestrained liberty arrives. He calls to pay a morning visit, and
+instantly the deep design is put into execution. <em>Sir Harry</em>
+begins by a most extravagant puff preliminary of the talents,
+accomplishments, virtues, beauty, disposition, endowments, and
+graces belonging to the enchanting <em>Prudence</em>. He and the
+widow exhibit her drawings,&mdash;<em>Livingstone</em> is in
+raptures, or pretends to be (for he is not an ill-bred man). What a
+piercing expression flashes from those studies of eyes (in chalk)!
+what an artistical grouping of legs! what a
+Saracen&rsquo;s-head-upon-Snow-hill-like ferocity frowns from that
+Indian chief!</p>
+<p>At this juncture the captivating artist is herself introduced.
+<em>Mr. Livingstone&rsquo;s</em> modesty strikes him into a heap of
+confusion. &ldquo;He sighs and looks, and looks and sighs
+again,&rdquo;&mdash;he does not know &ldquo;what to say, or how to
+say it; so that the trembling bachelor may become a wise and good
+lover.&rdquo; He stutters and hems in the utmost distress; to
+increase which, all his tormentors turn up the stage, leaving him
+to entertain the lady alone. The sketches naturally suggest a
+topic, and, plunging <em>in medias res</em> at once, he vehemently
+praises her legs! The lady is astonished, and the mamma alarmed;
+but having explained that the allusion was to the drawings, he is
+afterwards punished for the blunder by being threatened with a
+song. Though at a loss to find out what he has done to deserve such
+an infliction, he submits; for he is very sleepy, and sinks into a
+chair in an attitude of supposed attention, but really in a posture
+best adapted for a nap. When the song is ended the applause of
+course comes in; this awakens <em>Livingstone</em> in a fright; he
+starts, and throws down a harp in his fall.</p>
+<p>After this <em>contretemps</em>, the villany of the widow and
+her ally takes a different turn. In a love affair there are
+generally two parties; and <em>Miss Prudence</em> has got to be
+persuaded that <em>she</em> is in love. This it is not difficult to
+accomplish, she being no more overburdened with penetration than
+the gentleman they are so kind as to say she is in love with. So
+far all goes on well: for she is soon convinced that she is
+enamoured to the last extremity.</p>
+<p><em>Livingstone</em> having a sort of glimmering that the danger
+so long averted at length impends over him&mdash;that he is falling
+into the trap of love, with every chance of the fall continuing
+down to the bottomless pit of matrimony, determines to avert the
+catastrophe by flight. The pair of villains, however, set up a cry
+of &ldquo;Stop thief,&rdquo; and he is brought back. <em>Sir
+Harry</em> appeals to his feelings. Good gracious! is he so base,
+so dishonourable, so heartless, to rob an innocent, unsuspecting,
+and accomplished girl of her heart, and then wickedly desert her!
+Oh, no! In short, having already persuaded the poor man that he is
+in love, <em>Sir Harry</em> convinces him that he would also be a
+deceiver; and <em>Livingstone</em> would have returned like a lamb
+to the slaughter but for a new incident.</p>
+<p>He has an uncle who is engaged in a law-suit with some of
+<em>Mrs. Courtnay&rsquo;s</em> family. To bring this litigation to
+an amicable end it has been proposed that <em>Livingstone</em>
+should marry the widow&rsquo;s sister. Here is a discovery! So, the
+deep widow has been unwittingly plotting against her own sister!
+Things must be altered; and so they are, in no time, for she
+persuades the easy hero that <em>Nugent</em> is in love with
+<em>Prudence</em> himself; but, finding she adores her new lover,
+has magnanimously given up his claims in his favour. This has the
+desired effect, for <em>Livingstone</em> will have no such noble
+sacrifice made on his account. He seeks <em>Sir Harry</em>; who,
+discovering the double design of the profound widow, talks as
+immensely magnanimous as they do in classic dramas. In short, both
+play at Romans till the end of the piece; the hero and heroine
+being at last fully persuaded that they have each really fallen in
+&ldquo;Love Extempore!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This idea of persuading two persons into the bonds of
+love&mdash;of having all the courting done at second-hand, is
+admirably worked out. <em>Livingstone</em> is a well-drawn
+character; so well, so naturally painted, that he hardly deserves
+to be the hero of a farce. Although exceedingly soft, he is a
+well-bred fool&mdash;though somewhat fat (for the actor is Mr.
+David Rees); he is not altogether inelegant. The gentleman who does
+the theatrical metaphysics in the <em>Morning Herald</em> has
+described him as a capital specimen of &ldquo;physical obesity and
+moral teunity,&rdquo;<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3.
+<em>Sic</em>, actually, in the dramatic article of that paper,
+Wednesday, 24th ult.</span> &mdash;which we quote to save ourselves
+trouble, for the force of description can no further go.
+<em>Prudence</em> is also inimitable&mdash;a march-of-intellect
+young lady without brains, who knows the names of the five large
+rivers in America, and how many bones there are in the gills of a
+turbot. In Miss P. Horton&rsquo;s hands her mechanical acquirements
+were done ample justice to. The cold unmeaning love scene was
+rendered mainly by her acting</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021-12.png"><img src=
+"images/021-12.png" alt=
+"A man has fallen through ice and stands to his waist in water."
+id="img021-12" name="img021-12" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A N-ICE SITUATION.</p>
+</div>
+<p>In fine, the farce is altogether a leaven of the best material
+most cleverly worked up.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PERFECT VACUUM PROVED.</h3>
+<p>MR. HALSE, the gentleman who has during the last week been
+lecturing upon Animal Magnetism, having stated that one of his
+patients, while under the magnetic influence, could &ldquo;see her
+own inside,&rdquo; the Marquis of Londonderry, anxious to test the
+truth of the assertion, requested the lecturer to operate upon him,
+and being thrown into the Mesmeric sleep, looked into the inside of
+his own head, and declared he could see nothing in it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A CON BY O&rsquo;CONNER.</h3>
+<p>Why ought the Children of a Thief to be burnt?&mdash;Because
+<em>their Pa steals</em> (they&rsquo;re pastiles).</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14939-h.htm or 14939-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14939/
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-01.png b/14939-h/images/021-01.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3bc9887
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-01.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-02.png b/14939-h/images/021-02.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3d51b5c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-02.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-03.png b/14939-h/images/021-03.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bab95a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-03.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-04.png b/14939-h/images/021-04.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ae126fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-04.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-05.png b/14939-h/images/021-05.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a4edab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-05.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-06.png b/14939-h/images/021-06.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6ac8f93
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-06.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-07.png b/14939-h/images/021-07.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bea62fc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-07.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-08.png b/14939-h/images/021-08.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f303d85
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-08.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-09.png b/14939-h/images/021-09.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9961a0e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-09.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-10.png b/14939-h/images/021-10.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a601987
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-10.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-11.png b/14939-h/images/021-11.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..088369a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-11.png
diff --git a/14939-h/images/021-12.png b/14939-h/images/021-12.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d03755e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939-h/images/021-12.png
diff --git a/14939.txt b/14939.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..17633b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2166 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14939]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 4, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
+
+The document with this title, that has got into the newspapers, has been
+dressed up for the public eye. We have obtained the original _draft_, and
+beg to administer it to our readers _neat_, in the precise language it was
+written in.
+
+THE OFFICIAL REPORT.
+
+MR. SNOOKS says, that it being his turn to be on watch on the night of
+Saturday, October 30th, he went to his duty as usual, and having turned
+into his box, slept until he was amazed by shouts and the rolling of
+wheels in all directions. The upper door of his box being open, he looked
+out of it, and his head struck violently against something hard, upon
+which he attempted to open the lower door of his box, when he found he
+could not. Thinking there was something wrong, he became very active in
+raising an alarm, but could obtain no attention; and he has since found
+that in the hurry of moving property from different parts of the building,
+his box had been closely barricaded; and he, consequently, was compelled
+to remain in it until the following morning. He says, however, that
+everything was quite safe in the middle of the day when he took his
+great-coat to his box, and trimmed his lantern ready for the evening.
+
+MRS. SNOOKS, wife of the above witness, corroborates the account of her
+husband, so far as trimming the lanthern in the daytime is concerned, and
+also as to his being encased in his box until the morning. She had no
+anxiety about him, because she had been distinctly told that the fire did
+not break out until past ten, and her husband she knew was sure to be snug
+in his box by that time.
+
+JOHN JONES, a publican, says, at about nine o'clock on Saturday, the 30th
+of October, he saw a light in the Tower, which flickered very much like a
+candle, as if somebody was continually blowing one out and blowing it in
+again. He observed this for about half an hour, when it began to look as
+if several gas-lights were in the room and some one was turning the gas on
+and off very rapidly. After this he went to bed, and was disturbed shortly
+before midnight by hearing that the Tower was in flames.
+
+SERGEANT FIPS, of the Scotch Fusileer (Qy. _Few sillier_) Guards, was at a
+public-house on Tower-hill, when, happening to go to the door, he observed
+a large quantity of thick smoke issuing from one of the windows of the
+Tower. Knowing that Major Elrington, the deputy governor, was fond of a
+cigar, he thought nothing of the circumstance of the smoke, and was
+surprised in about half an hour to see flames issuing from the building.
+
+GEORGE SNIVEL saw the fire bursting from the Tower on Saturday night, and
+being greatly frightened he ran home to his mother as soon as possible.
+His mother called him a fool, and said it was the gas-works.
+
+THOMAS POPKINS rents a back attic at Rotherhithe; he had been peeling an
+onion on the 30th of October, and went to the window for the purpose of
+throwing out the external coat of the vegetable mentioned in the beginning
+of his testimony, when he saw a large fire burning somewhere, with some
+violence. Not thinking it could be the Tower, he went to bed after eating
+the onion--which has been already twice alluded to in the course of his
+evidence.
+
+MR. SWIFT, of the Jewel-office, says, that he saw the Tower burning at the
+distance of about three acres from where the jewels are kept, when his
+first thought was to save the regalia. For this purpose he rushed to the
+scene of the conflagration and desired everybody who would obey him, to
+leave what they were about and follow him to that part of the Tower set
+apart for the jewels. Several firemen were induced to quit the pumps, and
+having prevailed on a large body of soldiers, he led them and a vast
+miscellaneous mob to the apartments where the crown, &c., were deposited.
+After a considerable quantity of squeezing, screaming, cursing, and
+swearing, it was discovered that the key was missing, when the jewel-room
+was carried by storm, and the jewels safely lodged in some other part of
+the building. When witness returned to the fire, it was quite out, and the
+armoury totally demolished.
+
+The whole of the official report is in the same satisfactory strain, but
+we do not feel ourselves justified in printing any more of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON-CERTED CON.
+
+"When is the helm of a ship like a certain English composer?"--said the
+double bass to the trombone in the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre,
+while resting themselves the other evening between the acts of Norma.--The
+trombone wished he might be _blowed_ if he could tell.--"When it is
+_A-lee_" quoth the bass--rosining his bow with extraordinary delight at
+his own conceit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECONCILING A DIFFERENCE.
+
+Two literary partisans were lately contending with considerable warmth,
+for the superiority of Tait's or Blackwood's Magazine--till from words
+they fell to blows, and decided the dispute by the _argumentum ad
+hominem_.--Doctor Maginn, hearing of the circumstance, observed to a
+friend, that however the pugnacious gentleman's opinions might differ with
+respect to _Tait_ and _Blackwood_, it was evident they were content to
+decide them by a _Frazer_ (_fray sir_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR WEATHERCOCK.
+
+The state of the weather, at all times an object of intense interest and
+general conversation amongst Englishmen, has latterly engaged much of our
+attention; and the observations which we have made on the extraordinary
+changes which have taken place in the weathercock during the last week
+warrant us in saying "there must be something in the wind." It has been
+remarked that Mr. Macready's _Hamlet_ and Mr. Dubourg's chimneys have not
+_drawn_ well of late. A smart breeze sprung up between Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
+of Brixton, on last Monday afternoon, which increased during the night,
+and ended in a perfect storm. Sir Peter Laurie on the same evening retired
+to bed rather misty, and was exceedingly foggy all the following morning.
+At the Lord Mayor's dinner the _glass_ was observed to rise and fall
+several times in a most remarkable manner, and at last settled at "heavy
+wet." A flock of gulls were seen hovering near Crockford's on Tuesday, and
+on that morning the milkman who goes the Russell-square walk was observed
+to blow the tips of his fingers at the areas of numerous houses.
+Applications for food were made by some starving paupers to the Relieving
+Officers of different workhouses, but the hearts of those worthy
+individuals were found to be completely frozen. Notwithstanding the
+severity of the weather, the nose of the beadle of St. Clement Danes has
+been seen for nearly the last fortnight in full blossom. A heavy fall of
+blankets took place on Wednesday, and the fleecy covering still lies on
+several beds in and near the metropolis. Expecting frost to set in, Sir
+Robert Peel has been busily employed on his _sliding scale_; in fact,
+affairs are becoming very slippery in the Cabinet, and Sir James Graham is
+already preparing to trim his sail to the next change of wind.
+Watercresses, we understand, are likely to be scarce; there is a brisk
+demand for "bosom friends" amongst unmarried ladies; and it is feared that
+the intense cold which prevails at nights will drive some unprovided young
+men into the _union_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BANE AND ANTIDOTE.
+
+We are requested to state that the insane person who lately attempted to
+obtain an entrance into Buckingham Palace was not the Finsbury renegade,
+Mr. Wakley. We are somewhat surprised that the rumour should have obtained
+circulation, as the unfortunate man is described as being of respectable
+appearance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CORSAIR.
+
+A POEM TO BE READ ON RAILROADS.
+
+  The sky was dark--the sea was rough;
+  The Corsair's heart was brave and tough;
+  The wind was high--the waves were steep;
+  The moon was veil'd--the ocean deep;
+  The foam against the vessel dash'd:
+  The Corsair overboard was wash'd.
+  A rope in vain was thrown to save--
+  The brine is now the Corsair's grave!
+
+As it is expected that the jogging and jerking, or the sudden passing
+through tunnels, may in some degree interfere with the perusal of this
+poem, we give it with the abbreviations, as it is likely to be read with
+the drawbacks alluded to.
+
+Wherever there is a dash--it is supposed there will be a jolt of the
+vehicle.
+
+CORSAIR-POEM.
+
+  --sky--dark--sea--rough;
+  --Corsair--brave--tough;
+  --wind--high--waves steep;
+  --moon--veil'd--oce--deep;
+  --foam--gainst--vess--dash'd;
+  --Corsair--board--wash'd.
+  --rope--vain--to save,
+  --brine--Cors--grave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"STUPID AS A 'POST.'"
+
+The _Morning Post_ has made another blunder. Lord Abinger, it seems, is
+too Conservative to resign.  After all the editorial boasting about
+"exclusive information," "official intelligence," &c. it is very evident
+that the "_Morning Twaddler_" must not be looked upon as a direction
+_post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+We learn that a drama of startling interest, founded upon a recent event
+of singular horror, is in active preparation at the Victoria Theatre. It
+is to be entitled "_Cavanagh the Culprit; or, the Irish Saveloyard_." The
+interest of the drama will be immensely strengthened by the introduction
+of the genuine knife with which the fatal ham was cut. Real saveloys will
+also be eaten by the Fasting Phenomenon before the audience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Never saw such _stirring_ times," as the spoon said to the saucepan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE "PUFF PAPERS."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+Having expressed the great gratification I should enjoy at being permitted
+to become a member of so agreeable a society, I was formally presented by
+the chairman with a capacious meerschaum, richly mounted in silver, and
+dark with honoured age, filled with choice tobacco, which he informed me
+was the initiatory pipe to be smoked by every neophyte on his admission
+amongst the "Puffs." I shall not attempt to describe with what profound
+respect I received that venerable tube into my hands--how gently I applied
+the blazing match to its fragrant contents--how affectionately I placed
+the amber mouth-piece between my lips, and propelled the thick wreaths of
+smoke in circling eddies to the ceiling:--to dilate upon all this might
+savour of an egotistical desire to exalt my own merits--a species of
+_puffing_ I mortally abhor. Suffice it to say, that when I had smoked the
+pipe of peace, I was heartily congratulated by the chairman and the
+company generally upon the manner in which I had acquitted myself, and I
+was declared without a dissentient voice a duly-elected member of the
+"Puffs."
+
+The business of the night, which my entrance had interrupted, was now
+resumed; and the chairman, whom I shall call Arden, striking his hammer
+upon a small mahogany box which was placed before him on the table,
+requested silence. Before I permit him to speak, I must give my readers a
+pen-and-ink sketch of his person. He was rather tall and erect in his
+person--his head was finely formed--and he had a quick grey eye, which
+would have given an unpleasant sharpness to his features, had it not been
+softened by the benevolent smile which played around his mouth. In his
+attire he was somewhat formal, and he affected an antiquated style in the
+fashion of his dress. When he spoke, his words fell with measured
+precision from his lips; but the mellow tone of his voice, and a certain
+courteous _empressement_ in his manner, at once interested me in his
+favour; and I set him down in my mind as a gentleman of the old English
+school. How far I was right in my conjecture my readers will hereafter
+have an opportunity of determining.
+
+"Our new member," said the chairman, turning towards me, "should now be
+informed that we have amongst us some individuals who possess a taste for
+literary pursuits."
+
+"A very small taste," whispered a droll-looking 'Puff,' with a
+particularly florid nose, who was sitting on my right hand, and who
+appeared to be watching all the evening for opportunities of letting off
+his jokes, which were always applauded longest and loudest by himself. My
+comical neighbour's name, I afterwards learned, was Bayles; he was the
+licensed jester of the club; he had been a punster from his youth; and it
+was his chief boast that he had joked himself into the best society and
+out of the largest fortune of any individual in the three kingdoms.
+
+This incorrigible wag having broken the thread of the chairman's speech, I
+shall only add the substance of it. It was, that the literary members of
+the "Puffs" had agreed to contribute from time to time articles in prose
+and verse; tales, legends, and sketches of life and manners--all which
+contributions were deposited in the mahogany box on the table; and from
+this literary fund a paper was extracted by the chairman on one of the
+nights of meeting in each week, and read by him aloud to the club.
+
+These manuscripts, I need scarcely say, will form the series of THE PUFF
+PAPERS, which, for the special information of the thousands of the fair
+sex who will peruse them, are like the best black teas, strongly
+recommended for their fine _curling leaf_.
+
+The first paper drawn by the chairman was an Irish Tale; which, after a
+humorous protest by Mr. Bayles against the introduction of foreign
+extremities, was ordered to be read.
+
+The candles being snuffed, and the chairman's spectacles adjusted to the
+proper focus, he commenced as follows:--
+
+THE GIANT'S STAIRS.
+
+A LEGEND OF THE SOUTH OF IRELAND.
+
+"Don't be for quitting us so airly, Felix, _ma bouchal_, it's a taring
+night without, and you're better sitting there opposite that fire than
+facing this unmarciful storm," said Tim Carthy, drawing his stool closer
+to the turf-piled hearth, and addressing himself to a young man who
+occupied a seat in the chimney nook, whose quick bright eye and somewhat
+humorous curl of the corner of the mouth indicated his character pretty
+accurately, and left no doubt that he was one of those who would laugh
+their laugh out, if the _ould boy_ stood at the door. The reply to Tim's
+proposal was a jerk of Felix's great-coat on his left shoulder, and a sly
+glance at the earthen mug which he held, as he gradually bent it from its
+upright position, until it was evident that the process of absorption had
+been rapidly acting on its contents. Tim, who understood the freemasonry
+of the manoeuvre, removed all the latent scruples of Felix by
+adding--"There's more of that stuff--where you know; and by the crook of
+St. Patrick we'll have another drop of it to comfort us this blessed
+night. Whisht! do you hear how the wind comes sweeping over the hills? God
+help the poor souls at say!"
+
+"Wissha amen!" replied Tim's wife, dropping her knitting, and devoutly
+making the sign of the cross upon her forehead.
+
+A silence of a few moments ensued; during which, each person present
+offered up a secret prayer for the safety of those who might at that
+moment be exposed to the fury of the warring elements.
+
+I should here inform my readers that the cottage of Tim Carthy was
+situated in the deep valley which runs inland from the strand at
+Monkstown, a pretty little bathing village, that forms an interesting
+object on the banks of the romantic Lee, near the "beautiful city" of
+Cork.
+
+"I never heard such a jearful storm since the night Mahoon, the ould
+giant, who lives in the cave under the _Giants Stairs_, sunk the three
+West Ingee-men that lay at anchor near the rocks," observed Mrs. Carthy.
+
+"It's Felix can tell us, if he plazes, a quare story about that same
+Mahoon," added Tim, addressing himself to the young man.
+
+"You're right there, anyhow, Tim," replied Felix; "and as my pipe is just
+out, I'll give you the whole truth of the story as if I was after kissing
+the book upon it.
+
+"You must know, then, it was one fine morning near Midsummer, about five
+years ago, that I got up very airly to go down to the beach and launch my
+boat, for I meant to try my luck at fishing for conger eels under the
+Giant's Stairs. I wasn't long pulling to the spot, and I soon had my lines
+baited and thrown out; but not so much as a bite did I get to keep up my
+spirits all that blessed morning, till I was fairly kilt with fatigue and
+disappointment. Well, I was thinking of returning home again, when all at
+once I felt something mortial heavy upon one of my lines. At first I
+thought it was a big conger, but then I knew that no fish would hang so
+dead upon my hand, so I hauled in with fear and thrembling, for I was
+afeard every minnit my line or my hook would break, and at last I got my
+prize to the top of the water, and then safe upon the gunnel of the
+boat;--and what do you think it was?"
+
+"In troth, Felix, sorra one of us knows."
+
+"Well, then, it was nothing else but a little dirty black oak box, hooped
+round with iron, and covered with say-weed and barnacles, as if it had
+lain a long time in the water. 'Oh, ho!' says myself, 'it's in rale good
+luck I am this beautiful morning. Phew! as sure as turf, 'tis full of
+goold, or silver, or dollars, the box is.' For, by dad, it was so heavy
+intirely I could scarcely move it, and it sunk my little boat a'most to
+the water's edge; so I pulled back for bare life to the shore, and ran the
+boat into a lonesome little creek in the rocks. There I managed somehow to
+heave out the little box upon dry land, and, finding a handy lump of a
+stone, I wasn't long smashing the iron fastenings, and lifting up the lid.
+I looked in, and saw a weeshy ould weasened fellow sitting in it, with his
+legs gothered up under him like a tailor. He was dressed in a green coat,
+all covered with goold lace, a red scarlet waistcoat down to his hips, and
+a little three-cornered cocked hat upon the top of his head, with a cock's
+feather sticking out of it as smart as you plase.
+
+"'Good morrow to you, Felix Donovan,' says the small chap, taking off his
+hat to me, as polite as a dancing-masther.
+
+"'Musha! then the tip top of the morning to you,' says I, 'it's ashamed of
+yourself you ought to be, for putting me to such a dale of throuble.'
+
+"'Don't mention it, Felix,' says he, 'I'll be proud to do as much for you
+another time. But why don't you open the box, and let me out? 'tis many a
+long day I have been shut up here in this could dark place.' All the time
+I was only holding the lid partly open.
+
+"'Thank you kindly, my tight fellow,' says myself, quite 'cute; 'maybe you
+think I don't know you, but plase God you'll not stir a peg out of where
+you are until you pay me for my throuble.'
+
+"'Millia murdher!' says the little chap. 'What could a poor crather like
+me have in the world? Haven't I been shut up here without bite or sup?'
+and then he began howling and bating his head agin the side of the box,
+and making most pitiful moans. But I wasn't to be deceived by his thricks,
+so I put down the lid of the box and began to hammer away at it, when he
+roared out,--
+
+"'Tare an' agers! Felix Donovan, sure you won't be so cruel as to shut me
+up again? Open the box, man, till I spake to you.'
+
+"'Well, what do you want now'!' savs I, lifting up the lid the laste taste
+in life.
+
+"'I'll tell you what, Felix, I'll give you twenty goolden guineas if
+you'll let me out.'
+
+"'Soft was your horn, my little fellow; your offer don't shoot.'
+
+"'I'll give you fifty.
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'A hundred.'
+
+"'T won't do. If you were to offer me all the money in the Cork bank I
+wouldn't take it.'
+
+"'What the diaoul will you take then?' says the little ould chap,
+reddening like a turkey-cock in the gills with anger.
+
+"'I'll tell you,' says I, making answer; 'I'll take the three best gifts
+that you can bestow.'"
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Why is a butcher like a language master?--Because he is a _retailer of
+tongues_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE KNATCHBULL TESTIMONIAL.
+
+A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held during the
+past week at the sign of "_The Conservative Cauliflower_," Duck-lane,
+Westminster, for the purpose of presenting an address, and anything else,
+that the meeting might decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his
+patriotic opposition to 'pikes.
+
+Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously called to
+the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to the call, and
+having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand and his pipe with the
+other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and deposited himself in the seat
+of honour. As there was no hammer in the room, the inventive genius of the
+learned chairman, suggested the substitution of his bell, and having
+agitated its clapper three times, and shouted "_Orger_" with stentorian
+emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:--
+
+"Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry, it isn't often
+that a cheer is taken in this room for no other than harmonic meetings or
+club-nights, and it is, therefore, with oncommon pride that I feels myself
+in my present proud persition. (_Werry good! and Hear, hear!_) You are all
+pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this here
+great nation. (_We is! and cheers._) For some years I've had the honour to
+collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I may say; and in my mind the werry
+best standard of a real gentleman is his dust-hole. (_Hear, hear! and He's
+vide avake!_) You're hailed," continued the eloquent Adam, "you're hailed
+by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you pulls up alongside of the curb; you
+collars your basket, and with your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast
+into the hairy; one glance at the dust conwinces you vether you're to have
+sixpence or a swig of lamen-table beer. (_It does! and cheers._) A man as
+sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (_Immense cheering, which was
+rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of Dirk's dangle-dangles,
+otherwise bells._) But you'll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard?
+I'll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear out Sir
+Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories knows what
+_jobs_ is, and pays according-_ly_. (_Here the Meeting gave the
+Conservative Costermonger fire._) The 'pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard
+has jist been werrified, for hasn't he comed forrard to oppose them
+rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair--on enterprising
+higgling and 'twelve in a tax-cart?' need I say I alludes to them blessed
+'pikes? (_Long and continued cheers._) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the
+'pike-men didn't make the dirt that makes the road, and werry justly
+refuses to fork out tuppence-ha'penny! It's werry true Sir Eddard says
+that the t'other taxes must be paid, as what's to pay the ministers? But
+it's highly unreasonable that 'pike-men is to be put alongside of Prime
+Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus polte-ry! Had
+that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a thing it would ha'
+been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and that's the price of a reasonable
+'pike-ticket. That wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum
+of 'Old Tom' is come-atable for the walley of them werry browns. But Sir
+Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour--the 'pikes has it! (_Shame!_)
+It's for us to reward him. I therefore proposes that a collection of
+turnpike tickets is made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and
+glaziered, and presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight." (_Immense
+applause._)
+
+Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen dealer,
+seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that "Old
+'pike-tickets would do as well as new 'uns; and everybody know'd that
+second-hand tumpike-tickets warn't werry waluable, so the thing could be
+done handsome and reasonable."
+
+A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few minutes
+the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan trusts, together
+with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the donor stated "could ony be
+'ad for axing for."
+
+A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this unique
+testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull.
+
+It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the neighbourhood of the
+Metropolis are trying to get up a counter meeting. We have written to Mr.
+Levy on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).
+
+We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned
+for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over
+the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance
+in public. Doubtless, his performance will be _a solo on one string_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+10.--THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION.
+
+[Illustration: T]The morning after the carousal reported in our last
+chapter, the parties thereat assisting are dispersed in various parts of
+London. Did a modern Asmodeus take a spectator to any elevated point from
+which he could overlook the Great Metropolis of Mr. Grant and England just
+at this period, when Aurora has not long called the sun, who rises as
+surlily as if he had got out of bed the wrong way, he would see Mr. Rapp
+ruminating upon things in general whilst seated on some cabbages in Covent
+Garden Market; Mr. Jones taking refreshment with a lamplighter and two
+cabmen at a promenade coffee-stand near Charing Cross, to whom he is
+giving a lecture upon the action of veratria in paralysis, jumbled somehow
+or other with frequent asseverations that he shall at all times be happy
+to see the aforesaid lamplighter and two cabmen at the hospital or his own
+lodgings; Mr. Manhug, with a pocket-handkerchief tied round his head, not
+clearly understanding what has become of his latch-key, but rather
+imagining that he threw it into a lamp instead of the short pipe which
+still remains in the pocket of his pea-jacket, and, moreover, finding
+himself close to London Bridge, is taking a gratuitous doze in the cabin
+of the Boulogne steam-boat, which he ascertains does not start until eight
+o'clock; whilst Mr. Simpson, the new man, with the usual destiny of such
+green productions--thirsty, nauseated, and "coming round"--is safely taken
+care of in one of the small private unfurnished apartments which are let
+by the night on exceedingly moderate terms (an introduction by a policeman
+of known respectability being all the reference that is required) in the
+immediate neighbourhood of the Bow-street Police-office. Where Mr. Muff
+is--it is impossible to form the least idea; he may probably speak for
+himself.
+
+The reader will now please to shift the time and place to two o'clock P.M.
+in the dissecting-room, which is full of students, comprising three we
+have just spoken of, except Mr. Simpson. A message has been received that
+the anatomical teacher is unavoidably detained at an important case in
+private practice, and cannot meet his class to day. Hereupon there is much
+rejoicing amongst the pupils, who gather in a large semicircle round the
+fireplace, and devise various amusing methods of passing the time. Some
+are for subscribing to buy a set of four-corners, to be played in the
+museum when the teachers are not there, and kept out of sight in an old
+coffin when they are not wanted. Others vote for getting up sixpenny
+sweepstakes, and raffling for them with dice--the winner of each to stand
+a pot out of his gains, and add to the goodly array of empty pewters which
+already grace the mantelpiece in bright order, with the exception of two
+irregulars, one of which Mr. Rapp has squeezed flat to show the power of
+his hand; and in the bottom of the other Mr. Manhug has bored a foramen
+with a red-hot poker in a laudable attempt to warm the heavy that it
+contained. Two or three think they had better adjourn to the nearest slate
+table and play a grand pool; and some more vote for tapping the
+preparations in the museum, and making the porter of the dissecting-room
+intoxicated with the grog manufactured from the proof spirit. The various
+arguments are, however, cut short by the entrance of Mr. Muff, who rushes
+into the room, followed by Mr. Simpson, and throwing off his macintosh
+cape, pitches a large fluttering mass of feathers into the middle of the
+circle.
+
+"Halloo, Muff! how are you, my bean--what's up?" is the general
+exclamation.
+
+"Oh, here's a lark!" is all Mr. Muff's reply.
+
+"Lark!" cries Mr. Rapp; "you're drunk, Muff--you don't mean to call that a
+lark!"
+
+"It's a beautiful patriarchal old hen," returns Mr. Muff, "that I bottled
+as she was meandering down the mews; and now I vote we have her for lunch.
+Who's game to kill her?"
+
+Various plans are immediately suggested, including cutting her head off,
+poisoning her with morphia, or shooting her with a little cannon Mr Rapp
+has got in his locker; but at last the majority decide upon hanging her. A
+gibbet is speedily prepared, simply consisting of a thigh-bone laid across
+two high stools; a piece of whip cord is then noosed round the victim's
+neck; and she is launched into eternity, as the newspapers say--Mr. Manhug
+attending to pull her legs.
+
+"Depend upon it that's a humane death," remarks Mr. Jones. "I never tried
+to strangle a fowl but once, and then I twisted its neck bang off. I know
+a capital plan to finish cats though."
+
+"Throw it off--put it up--let's have it," exclaim the circle.
+
+"Well, then; you must get their necks in a slip knot and pull them up to a
+key-hole. They can't hurt you, you know, because you are the other side
+the door.
+
+"Oh, capital--quite a wrinkle," observes Mr. Muff. "But how do you catch
+them first?"
+
+"Put a hamper outside the leads with some valerian in it, and a bit of
+cord tied to the lid. If you keep watch, you may bag half-a-dozen in no
+time; and strange cats are fair game for everybody,--only some of them are
+rum 'uns to bite."
+
+At this moment, a new Scotch pupil, who is lulling himself into the belief
+that he is studying anatomy from some sheep's eyes by himself in the
+Museum, enters the dissecting-room, and mildly asks the porter "what a
+heart is worth?"
+
+"I don't know, sir," shouts Mr. Rapp; "it depends entirely upon what's
+trumps;" whereupon the new Scotch pupil retires to his study as if he was
+shot, followed by several pieces of cinders and tobacco-pipe,
+
+During the preceding conversation, Mr. Muff cuts down the victim with a
+scalpel; and, finding that life has departed, commences to pluck it, and
+perform the usual post-mortem abdominal examinations attendant upon such
+occasions. Mr. Rapp undertakes to manufacture an extempore spit, from the
+rather dilapidated umbrella of the new Scotch pupil, which he has
+heedlessly left in the dissecting-room. This being completed, with the
+assistance of some wire from the ribs of an old skeleton that had hung in
+a corner of the room ever since it was built, the hen is put down to
+roast, presenting the most extraordinary specimen of trussing upon record.
+Mr. Jones undertakes to buy some butter at a shop behind the hospital; and
+Mr. Manhug, not being able to procure any flour, gets some starch from the
+cabinet of the lecturer on Materia Medica, and powders it in a mortar
+which he borrows from the laboratory.
+
+"To revert to cats," observes Mr. Manhug, as he sets himself before the
+fire to superintend the cooking; "it strikes me we could contrive no end
+to fun if we each agreed to bring some here one day in carpet-bags. We
+could drive in plenty of dogs, and cocks, and hens, out of the back
+streets, and then let them all loose together in the dissecting-room."
+
+"With a sprinkling of rats and ferrets," adds Mr. Rapp. "I know a man who
+can let us have as many as we want. The skrimmage would be immense, only I
+shouldn't much care to stay and see it."
+
+"Oh that's nothing," replies Mr. Muff. "Of course, we must get on the roof
+and look at it through the skylights. You may depend upon it, it would be
+the finest card we ever played."
+
+How gratifying to every philanthropist must be these proofs of the
+elasticity of mind peculiar to a Medical Student! Surrounded by scenes of
+the most impressive and deplorable nature--in constant association with
+death and contact with disease--his noble spirit, in the ardour of his
+search after professional information, still retains its buoyancy and
+freshness; and he wreaths with roses the hours which he passes in the
+dissecting-room, although the world in general looks upon it as a rather
+unlikely locality for those flowers to shed their perfume over!
+
+"By the way, Muff, where did you get to last night after we all cut?"
+inquires Mr. Rapp.
+
+"Why, that's what I am rather anxious to find out myself," replies Mr.
+Muff; "but I think I can collect tolerably good reminiscences of my
+travels."
+
+"Tell us all about it then," cry three or four.
+
+"With pleasure--only let's have in a little more beer; for the heat of the
+fire in cooking produces rather too rapid an evaporation of fluids from
+the surface of the body."
+
+"Oh, blow your physiology!" says Rapp. "You mean to say you've got a hot
+copper--so have I. Send for the precious balm, and then fire away."
+
+And accordingly, when the beer arrives, Mr. Muff proceeds with the recital
+of his wanderings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE AND HYMEN.
+
+  Cupid (that charming little _garcon_),
+    When free, is am'rous, brisk, and gay;
+  But when he's noos'd by Hymen's parson,
+    Snores like _Glenelg_, or flies away.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR CITY ARTICLE.
+
+An alarming forgery of Mendicity Society's tickets has been discovered in
+Red Lion Square, and has caused much conversation at the doors of most of
+the gin palaces. Our readers are probably aware what these tickets are,
+though, being a particular class of security, there is not a great deal
+publicly done in them. They are issued to certain subscribers, who pay a
+guinea per year towards housing a Secretary and some other officers in a
+moderate-sized house, in the kitchen of which certain soup is prepared,
+which is partaken of by a number of persons called the Board, who are said
+to taste it and see that it is good; and if there is any left, which may
+occasionally happen, the poor are allowed to finish it. This valuable
+privilege is secured by tickets; and these tickets are found to be forged
+to a very large amount--some say indeed to the amount of 14,000 basins. It
+is not usual to pay off these soup tickets, but a sort of interest can be
+had upon them by standing just over the railings of the house in Red Lion
+Square, when the Secretary's dinner is being cooked or served up, and a
+certain amount of savoury steam is then put into circulation. The house
+has been besieged all day with "innocent holders," who, on giving their
+tickets in, cannot get them back again. The genuine tickets are known by
+the stamp, which is a soup plate _rampant_, and a spoon _argent_,--the
+latter being the emblem of the subscribers.
+
+A great deal is said of a new company, whose object is to take advantage
+of a well-known fact in chemistry. It is known that diamonds can be
+resolved into charcoal, as well as that charcoal can be ultimately reduced
+to air; and a company is to be founded with the view of simply _reversing
+the process_. Instead of getting air from diamonds, their object will be
+to get diamonds from air; and in fact the chief promoters of it have
+generally drawn from that source the greater part of their capital. The
+whole sum for shares need not be paid up at once; but the Directors will
+be satisfied in the first instance with 10 per cent. on the whole sum to
+be raised from the adventurers. It is intended to declare a dividend at
+the earliest possible period, which will be directly the first diamond has
+been made by the new process.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CON. BY SIBTHORP AND STULTZ.
+
+Why are batteries and soldiers like the hands and feet of
+tailors?--Because the former make breaches (_breeches_), and the latter
+pass through them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP.
+
+SIP THE THIRD. GOS-SIP.
+
+  That hour devoted to thy vesper "service"--
+    Dulcet exhilaration! glorious tea!--
+  I deem my happiest. Howsoe'er I swerve, as
+    To mind or morals, elsewhere, over thee
+  I am a perfect creature, quite impervious
+    To care, or tribulation, or _ennui_--
+  In fact, I do agnize to thee an utter
+  Devotion even to the bread and butter.
+
+  The homely kettle hissing on the bar--
+    (Urns I detest, irrelevant pomposities)--
+  The world beyond the window-blinds, as far
+    As I can thrust it--this defines what "cosset" is--
+  What woe that rhyme such scene of bliss must mar!
+    But rhyme, alas! is one of my atrocities;
+  In common with those bards who have the scratch
+  Of writing, and are all right with Catnach.
+
+  "How Nancy Sniggles was the village pride,--
+    How Will, her sweetheart, went to be a sailor;
+  How much at parting Nancy Sniggles cried,--
+    And how she snubb'd her funny friend the tailor;
+  How William boldly fought and bravely died;
+    How Nancy Sniggles felt her senses fail her--"
+  Then comes a sad _denouement_--now-a-days
+  It is not virtue dominant that pays.
+
+  Such tales, in this, the post-octavo age,
+    Our novelists incontinently tells us--
+  Tales, wherein lovely heroines engage
+    With highwaymen, good-looking rogues but callous,
+  Who go on swimmingly till the last page,
+    And then take poison to escape the gallows--
+  Tales, whose original refinement teaches
+  The pride of eloquence in--dying speeches!
+
+  What an apotheosis have we here!
+    What equal laws th' awards of fame dispose!
+  Capture a fort--assassinate a peer--
+    Alike be chronicled in startling prose--
+  Alike be dramatised--(how near
+    Is clever crime to virtue!)--at Tussaud's
+  Be grouped with all the criminals at large,
+  From burglar Sheppard unto fiend Laffarge!
+
+  The women are best judges after all!
+    And Sheridan was right, and Plagi-ary;
+  To their decision all things mundane fall,
+    From court to counting-house; from square to dairy;
+  From caps to chemistry; from tract to shawl,
+    And then these female verdicts never vary!
+  In fact, on lap-dogs, lovers, buhl, and boddices,
+  There are no critics like these mortal goddesses!
+
+  To please such readers, authors make it answer
+    To trace a pedigree to the creation
+  Of some old Saxon peer; a monstrous grandsire,
+    Whose battles tell, in print, to admiration--
+  But I, unfortunate, have never once a
+    Mysterious hint of any great relation;
+  I know whether Shem or Japhet--right sir--
+  Was my progenitor--nor care a kreutzer.
+
+  For, though there's matter for regret in losing
+    An opportune occasion to record
+  The feats in gambling, duelling, seducing--
+    Conventional acquirements of a lord--
+  Still I have stories startling and amusing,
+    Which I can tell and vouch, upon my word.
+  To anybody who desires to hear 'em--
+  But don't be nervous, pray,--you needn't fear 'em.
+
+  But what of my poor Hy-son all this while?
+    She saved the gardener by a timely kiss.
+  Few husbands are there proof against a smile,
+    And Te-pott's rage endured no more than this.
+  Ah, reader! gentle, moral, free from guile,
+    Think you she did so _very_ much amiss?
+  She was not love-sick for the fellow quite--
+  She merely _thought_ of him--from morn till night!
+
+  A state of mind how much by parents dreaded!
+    (By those outrageous parents, English mammas,
+  Who scarcely own their daughters till they're wedded)--
+    How postulant of patent Chubbs and Bramahs!
+  And eyes--the safest locks when locks are needed!--
+    And Abigails, and homilies, and grammars;
+  And other antidotes for "detrimentals"--
+  _Id est_, fine gentlemen unblest with rentals.
+
+  But this could not stop here; nor did it stop--
+    For both were anxious for--an explanation.
+  And in the harem's grating was a gap,
+    Whence Hy-son peep'd in modest hesitation;
+  While on his spade the gardener would prop
+    Himself, and issue looks of adoration;
+  Until it happen'd, like a lucky rhyme,
+  Each for the other look'd at the same time.
+
+  Then fell the gardener upon his knees,
+    And kiss'd his hand in manner most devout--
+  So Hy-son couldn't find the heart to tease
+    The poor dear man by being in a pout;--
+  Besides, she might go walk among the trees,
+    And not a word of scandal be made out.
+  She thought a--very--little more upon it,
+  Then smiled to Sou-chong,--and put on her bonnet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH AND THE SWISS GIANTESS!
+
+SHERIFFS' COURT.--WEDNESDAY.
+
+BONBON _versus_ PUNCH.
+
+    [This important cause came on for trial on Wednesday last. That it
+    has not been reported in the morning papers is doubtless to be
+    attributed to the most reckless bribery on the part of the
+    plaintiff. He has, no doubt, sought to hush up his infamy; the
+    defendant has no such contemptible cowardice. Hence a special
+    reporter was engaged for PUNCH. The trial is given here, firstly,
+    for the beautiful illustration it affords of the philosophy of the
+    English law of _crim. con._; and secondly on a principle--for
+    PUNCH has principles--laid down by the defendant in his course of
+    public life, to show himself to the world the man he really is. In
+    pursuit of this moral and philosophical object, should the
+    waywardness of his genius ever induce PUNCH to cut a throat, pick
+    a pocket, or, as a Middlesex magistrate (for PUNCH has been upon
+    the bench many a year), to offer for sale a tempting lot of
+    liberty to any competent captive,--should PUNCH rob as a vulgar
+    Old Bailey delinquent, or genteelly swindle as an Aldermanic
+    share-holder,--in each and every of these cases there will, _on
+    discovery_, be the fullest report of the same in PUNCH'S own
+    paper, PUNCH being deeply impressed with the belief that an
+    exhibition of the weaknesses of a great man is highly beneficial
+    to public philosophy and public morals. PUNCH now retires in
+    favour of his "own" reporter.]
+
+As early as six o'clock in the morning, the neighbourhood of the court
+presented a most lively and bustling aspect. Carriages continued to arrive
+from the west-end; and we recognised scores of ladies whose names are
+familiar to the readers of the _Court Journal_ and _Morning Post_. Several
+noblemen, amateurs of the subject, arrived on horseback. By eight o'clock
+the four sides of Red Lion-square were, if we may be allowed the metaphor,
+a mass of living heads. We owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Davis, the
+respected and conscientious officer for the Sheriff of Middlesex; that
+gentleman, in the kindest spirit of hospitality, allowing us six inches of
+his door-step when the crowd was at its greatest pressure. Several inmates
+of Mr. Davis's delightful mansion had a charming view of the scene from
+the top windows, where we observed bars of the most picturesque and _moyen
+age_ description. At ten minutes to nine, Mr. Charles Phillips, counsel
+for the plaintiff, arrived in Lamb's Conduit-passage, and was loudly
+cheered. On the appearance of Mr. Adolphus, counsel for the defendant, a
+few miscreants in human shape essayed groans and hisses; they were,
+however, speedily put down by the New Police.
+
+We entered the court at nine o'clock. The galleries were crowded with
+rank, beauty, and fashion. Conflicting odours of lavender, musk, and _Eau
+de Cologne_ emanated from ladies on the bench, most of whom were furnished
+with opera-glasses, sandwich-boxes, and species of flasks, vulgarly known
+as pocket-pistols. In all our experience we never recollect such a thrill
+as that shot through the court, when the crier of the same called out--
+
+BONBON _v_. PUNCH!
+
+Mr. SMITH (a young yet rising barrister with green spectacles) with
+delicate primness opened the case. A considerable pause, when--
+
+Mr. CHARLES PHILLIPS, having successfully struggled with his feelings,
+rose to address the court for the plaintiff. The learned gentleman said it
+had been his hard condition as a barrister to see a great deal of human
+wickedness; but the case which, most reluctantly, he approached that day,
+made him utterly despair of the heart of man. He felt ashamed of his two
+legs, knowing that the defendant in this case was a biped. He had a horror
+of the mysterious iniquities of human nature--seeing that the defendant
+was a man, a housekeeper, and, what in this case trebled his infamy, a
+husband and a father. Gracious Heaven! when he reflected--but no; he would
+confine himself to a simple statement of facts. That simplicity would tell
+with a double-knock on the hearts of a susceptible jury. The afflicted,
+the agonised plaintiff was a public man. He was, until lately, the happy
+possessor of a spotless wife and an inimitable spring-van. It was was a
+union assented to by reason, smiled on by prudence. Mr. Bonbon was the
+envied owner of a perambulating exhibition: he counted among his riches a
+Spotted Boy, a New Zealand Cannibal, and a Madagascar Cow. The crowning
+rose was, however, to be gathered, and he plucked, and (as he fondly
+thought) made his own for ever, the Swiss Giantess! Mr. Bonbon had wealth
+in his van--the lady had wealth in herself; hence it was, in every
+respect, what the world would denominate an equal match.
+
+The learned counsel said he would call witnesses to prove the blissful
+atmosphere in which the parties lived, until the defendant, like a
+domestic upas-tree, tainted and polluted it. That van was another Eden,
+until PUNCH, the serpent, entered. The lady was a native of
+Switzerland--yes, of Switzerland. Oh, that he (the learned gentleman)
+could follow her to her early home!--that he could paint her with the
+first blush and dawn of innocence, tinting her virgin cheek as the morning
+sun tinted the unsullied snows of her native Jungfrau!--that he could lead
+the gentlemen of the jury to that Swiss cottage where the gentle Felicite
+(such was the lady's name) lisped her early prayer--that he could show
+them the mountains that had echoed with her songs (since made so very
+popular by Madame Stockhausen)--that he could conjure up in that court the
+goats whose lacteal fluid was wont to yield to the pressure of her virgin
+fingers--the kids that gambolled and made holiday about her--the birds
+that whistled in her path--the streams that flowed at her feet--the
+avalanches, with their majestic thunder, that fell about her. Would he
+could subpoena such witnesses! then would the jury feel, what his poor
+words could never make them feel--the loss of his injured client. On one
+hand would be seen the simple Swiss maiden--a violet among the rocks--a
+mountain dove--an inland pearl--a rainbow of the glaciers--a creature pure
+as her snows, but not as cold; and on the other the fallen wife--a
+monument of shame! This was a commercial country; and the jury would learn
+with additional horror that it was in the sweet confidence of a commercial
+transaction that the defendant obtained access to his interesting victim.
+Yes, gentlemen, (said Mr. P.,) it was under the base, the heartless, the
+dastardly excuse of business, that the plaintiff poured his venom in the
+ear of a too confiding woman. He had violated the sacred bonds of human
+society--the noblest ties that hold the human heart--the sweetest tendrils
+that twine about human affections. This should be shown to the jury.
+Letters from the plaintiff would be read, in which his heart--or rather
+that ace of spades he carried in his breast and called his heart--would be
+laid bare in open court. But the gentlemen of the jury would teach a
+terrible lesson that day. They would show that the socialist should not
+guide his accursed bark into the tranquil seas of domestic comfort, and
+anchor it upon the very hearthstone of conjugal felicity. No--as the
+gentlemen of the jury were husbands and fathers, as they were fathers and
+not husbands, as they were neither one nor the other, but hoped to be
+both--they would that day hurl such a thunderbolt at the pocket of the
+defendant--they would so thrice-gild the incurable ulcers of the
+plaintiff, that all the household gods of the United Empire would hymn
+them to their mighty rest, and Hymen himself keep continual carnival at
+their amaranthine hearths. "Gentlemen of the jury (said the learned
+counsel in conclusion), I leave you with a broken heart in your hands! A
+broken heart, gentlemen! Creation's masterpiece, flawed cracked, SHIVERED
+TO BITS! See how the blood flows from it--mark where its strings are cut
+and cut--its delicate fibres violated--its primitive aroma evaporated to
+all the winds of heaven. Make that heart your own, gentlemen, and say at
+how many pounds you value the demoniac damage. And oh, may your verdict
+still entitle you to the blissful confidence of that divine, purpureal
+sex, the fairest floral specimens of which I see before me! May their
+unfolding fragrance make sweet your daily bread; and when you die, from
+the tears of conjugal love, may thyme and sweet marjoram spring and
+blossom above your graves!"
+
+Here the emotion of the court was unparalleled in the memory of the oldest
+attorney. Showers of tears fell from the gallery, so that there was a
+sudden demand for umbrellas.
+
+The learned counsel sat down, and, having wiped his eyes, ate a sandwich.
+
+There were other letters, but we have selected the least glowing. Mr.
+Charles Phillips then called his witnesses.
+
+Peter Snooks examined: Was employed by plaintiff; recollected defendant
+coming to the van to propose a speculation, in which Madame Bonbon was to
+play with him. Defendant came very often when plaintiff was out. Once
+caught Madame Bonbon on defendant's knee. Once heard Madame Bonbon say,
+"Bless your darling nose!" Was sure it was defendant's nose. Was shocked
+at her levity, but consented to go for gin--Madame found the money. Had a
+glass myself, and drank their healths. Plaintiff never beat his wife; he
+couldn't: they were of very uneven habits; she was seven feet four,
+plaintiff was four feet seven.
+
+Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Plaintiff was dreadfully afflicted at
+infidelity of his wife: had become quite desperate--never sober since; was
+never sober before. On first night of the news plaintiff was quite
+delirious; took six plates of alamode beef, and two pots of porter.
+
+Sarah Pillowcase examined: Was chambermaid at the Tinder-box and Flint,
+New Cut; had known defendant since she was a child--also knew plaintiff's
+wife. They came together on the 1st of April, about twelve at night.
+Understood they had been in a private box at the Victoria with an order.
+They had twelve dozen of oysters for supper, and eight Welch-rabbits: the
+lady found the money. Thought, of course, they were married, or would
+rather have died than have served them. They made a hearty breakfast: the
+lady found the money.
+
+Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Would swear to the lady, as she had once
+paid a shilling to see her.
+
+(Here it was intimated by the learned judge that ladies might leave the
+court if they chose; it was evident, however, that no lady heard such
+intimation, as no lady stirred.)
+
+Cross-examination continued: Yes, would swear it. Knew the obligation of
+an oath, and would swear it.
+
+This ended the case for the plaintiff.
+
+Mr. ADOLPHUS addressed the court for the defendant. He had not the golden
+tongue--no, he was not blessed with the oratory of his learned friend. He
+would therefore confine himself to the common sense view of the question.
+He was not talking to Arcadian shepherds (he was very happy to see his own
+butcher in the jury-box), but to men of business. If there had been any
+arts practised, it was on the side of the plaintiff's wife. His client had
+visited the plaintiff out of pure compassion. The plaintiff's show was a
+failing concern; his client, with a benevolence which had marked his long
+career, wished to give him the benefit of his own attractions, joined to
+those of the woman. Well, the plaintiff knew the value of money, and
+therefore left his wife and the defendant to arrange the affair between
+them. "Gentlemen of the jury," continued the learned counsel, "it must
+appear to you, that on the part of the plaintiff this is not an affair of
+the heart, but a matter of the breeches' pocket. He leaves his wife--a
+fascinating, versatile creature--with my client, I confess it, an
+acknowledged man of gallantry. Well, the result is--what was to be
+expected. My learned friend has dwelt, with his accustomed eloquence, on
+his client's broken heart. I will not speak of his heart; but I must say
+that the man who, bereaved of the partner of his bosom, can still eat six
+plates of alamode beef, must have a most excellent stomach. Gentlemen,
+beware of giving heavy damages in this case, or otherwise you will
+unconsciously be the promoters of great immorality. This is no paradox,
+gentlemen; for I am credibly informed that if the man succeed in getting
+large damages, he will immediately take his wife home to his bosom and his
+van, and instead of exhibiting her, as he has hitherto done, for one
+penny, he will, on the strength of the notoriety of this trial, and as a
+man knowing the curiosity of society, immediately advance that penny to
+threepence. You will, therefore, consider your verdict, gentlemen, and
+give such moderate damages as will entirely mend the plaintiff's broken
+heart."
+
+The jury, without retiring from the box, returned a verdict of "Damages
+One Farthing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are credibly informed--though the evidence was not adduced in
+court--that Monsieur Bonbon first suspected his dishonour from his wife's
+hair papers. She had most negligently curled her tresses in the soft paper
+epistles of her _innamorato_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XXI.
+
+[Illustration: CUPID OUT OF PLACE.
+
+_From a Sketch made in "THE PALMERSTON GALLERY."_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FETES FOR THE POLISH--AND FATE OF THE BRITISH POOR.
+
+"Charity begins at home," says, or rather said, an admirable old proverb;
+but alack! the adage, or the times, or both, are out of joint--the
+wholesome maxim has lost its force--and homes for Charity must now be far
+as the _Poles_ asunder, ere the benign influence of the weeping goddess
+can fall upon its wretched supplicants.
+
+In private life the neglect of a domestic hearth for the vainglorious
+squandering abroad of the means that could and ought to render that the
+chief seat of comfort and independence, calls down upon the thoughtless
+and heartless squanderer and abuser of his means the just indignation and
+merited contempt of every thinking and properly constituted mind. The
+"Charity" that does not begin at home is the worst species of
+unjustifiable prodigality, and the first step to the absolute ruin of the
+"nearest and dearest" for the sake of the profligate and abandoned. And no
+sophistry can justify the apparent liberality that deprives others of
+their just and urgent dues.
+
+It may be and is most noble to feed the widow and to clothe the orphan;
+but where is the beneficence of the deed if the wife and children of the
+ostentatious donor--the victims of the performance of such acts--are left
+themselves to endure misery and privations, from which his inadequate
+means cannot exempt the stranger and the giver's own household!
+
+The sparrow who unwittingly rears the cuckoo's spurious offspring, tending
+with care the ultimate destroyer of its own young, does so in perfect
+ignorance of the results about to follow the misplaced affection. The
+cravings of the interloper are satisfied to the detriment of its own
+offspring; and when the full-fledged recipient of its misplaced bounty no
+longer needs its aid, the thankless stranger wings its way on its far-off
+course, selfishly careless of the fostering bird that brought it into
+life; and this may be looked upon as one of the results generally
+attendant upon a blind forgetfulness of _where_ our first endeavours for
+the amelioration of the wants of others should be made.
+
+It has ever been the crying sin of the vastly sympathetic to weep for the
+miseries of the distant, and blink at the wretchedness their eyes--if not
+their hearts--must ache to see. Their charity must have its proper stage,
+their sentiments the proper objects,--and their imaginations the
+undisturbed right to revel in the supposititious grievances of the far-off
+wretched and oppressed. The poor black man! the tortured slave! the
+benighted infidel! the debased image of his maker! the sunken bondsman!
+These terms must be the "Open sesame" for the breasts from whence spring
+bibles, bribes, blankets, glass beads, pocket-combs, tracts, teachers,
+missions, and missionaries. Oppression is what they would put down; but
+then the oppression must be of "foreign manufacture." Your English,
+genuine home-made article, though as superior in strength and endurance as
+our own canvas is to the finest fold of gauze-like cambric, is in their
+opinion a thing not worth a thought. A half oppressed Caffre is an object
+of ten thousand times more sympathy than a wholly oppressed Englishman; a
+half-starved Pole the more fitting recipient of the same proportion of
+actual bounty to a wholly starving peasant of our own land of law and
+liberty.
+
+Let one-tenth the disgusting details so nobly exposed in the _Times_
+newspaper, as to the frightful state of some of our legalised poor law
+inquisitions, appear as extracts from the columns of a _foreign_ journal,
+stating such treatment to exist amongst a foreign population, and mark the
+result. Why, the town would teem with meetings and the papers with
+speeches. Royal, noble, and honourable chairmen and vice chairmen would
+launch out their just anathemas against the heartless despots whose realms
+were disgraced by such atrocities. Think, think of the aged poor torn from
+their kindred, caged in a prison, refused all aid within, debarred from
+every hope without,--think of the flesh, the very flesh, rotting by slow
+degrees, and then in putrid masses falling from their wretched bones:
+think, we say, on this--then give what name you can, save murder, to their
+quickly succeeding death.
+
+Fancy children--children that should be in their prime--so caged and fed
+that the result is disease in its most loathsome form, and with all its
+most appalling consequences! No hope! no flight! The yet untainted, as it
+were, chained to the spot, with mute despair watching the slow infection,
+and with breaking hearts awaiting the hour--the moment--when it _must_
+reach to them!
+
+We say, think of these things--not as if they were the doings in England,
+and therefore legalised matters of course--but think of them as the arts
+of some despot in a far-off colony, and oh, how all hearts would burn--all
+tongues curse and call for vengeance on the abetors of such atrocities!
+
+The supporters of the rights of man would indeed pour forth their eloquent
+denunciations against the oppressors of the absent. The poetry of passion
+would be exhausted to depict the frightful state of the crimeless and
+venerable victim of tyranny, bowing his grey hairs with sorrow to the
+grave; while the wailing of the helpless innocents _different indeed in
+colour_, but in heart and spirit like ourselves, being sprung from the one
+great source, would echo throughout the land, and find responses in every
+bosom not lost to the kindly feelings of good-will towards its fellows!
+Had the would-be esteemed philanthropists but these "_foreign cues_ for
+passion," they would indeed
+
+          "Drown the stage with tears,
+  And cleave the general ear with horrid speech;
+  Make mad the guilty, and appal the free;
+  Confound the ignorant; and amaze, indeed,
+  The very faculties of eyes and ears."
+
+But, alas! there is no such motive; these most destitute of Destitution's
+children are simply fellow-countrymen and fellow-Christians. Sons of the
+same soil, and worshippers of the same God, they need no good works in the
+way of proselyzation to save them from eternal perdition; consequently
+they receive no help to keep them from temporal torture.
+
+To convince themselves that these remarks are neither unwarrantably
+severe, nor in the slightest degree overcharged, let our readers not only
+refer to the revolting doings chronicled in the _Times_, but let them find
+the further illustration of this _foreign penchant_ in the recent doings
+at the magnificently-attended ball given in behalf of the _Polish
+Refugees_, and consequently commanding the support of the humane,
+enlightened, and charitable English; and then let them cast their eyes
+over the cold shoulder turned towards a proposition for the _same_ act of
+charity being consummated for the relief of the poverty-stricken and
+starving families of the destitute and deserving artisans now literally
+starving under their very eyes, located no farther off than in the
+wretched locality of Spitalfields! An opinion--and doubtless an honest
+one--is given by the Lord Mayor, that any attempt to relieve _their
+wants_, in the way found so efficacious for _the Polish Refugees_, would
+be madness, inasmuch as it would, _as heretofore_, prove an absolute
+failure. Reader, is there anything of the cuckoo and the sparrow in the
+above assertion? Is it not true? And if it is so, is it not a more than
+crying evil? Is it not a most vile blot upon our laws--a most beastly
+libel upon our creed and our country? Is no relief ever to be given to the
+immediate objects who should be the persons benefited by our bounty? Are
+those who, in the prosperity proceeding from their unceasing and ill-paid
+toil, added their quota to the succour of others, now that poverty has
+fallen on them, to be left the sport of fortune and the slaves of
+suffering? Do good, we say, in God's name, to all, if good can be done to
+all. But do not rob the lamb of its natural due--its mother's
+nourishment--to waste it on an alien. There is no spirit of illiberality
+in these remarks; they are put forward to advocate the rights of our own
+destitute countrymen--to claim for them a share of the lavish
+commiseration bestowed on others--to call attention to the desolation of
+_their_ hearths--the wreck of their comforts--the awful condition of their
+starving and dependent families--and to give the really charitable an
+opportunity of reserving some of their kindnesses for home consumption.
+Let this be their _just_ object, and not one among the relieved would
+withhold his mite from their suffering fellows in other climes. But in
+Heaven's name, let the adage root itself once more in every Englishman's
+"heart of hearts," and once more let "Charity begin at home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FIRE AT THE ADELPHI THEATRE.
+
+Yates was nearly treating the enlightened British public with an antidote
+to "the vast receptacle of 8,000 tons of water," by setting fire to the
+saloon chimney. Great as the consternation of the audience was in the
+front, it was far exceeded by the alarm of the actors behind the curtain,
+for they are so sensible of the manager's daring genius, that they
+concluded he had set fire to the house in order to convert "the space
+usually devoted to _illusion_ into the area of reality." The great Mr.
+Freeborn actually rushed out of the theatre without his rouge. Little Paul
+drank off a glass of neat water. Mr. John Sanders was met at the end of
+Maiden Lane, with his legs thrust into the sleeves of his coat, and the
+rest of his body encased in the upper part of a property dragon; whilst
+little round Wilkinson was vainly endeavouring to squeeze himself into a
+wooden waterspout. Had he succeeded he might have applied for the reward
+offered by the Royal Society for a method of
+
+[Illustration:  SQUARING THE CIRCLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CRIMES OF EATING.
+
+[Illustration: S]Sir Robert Peel and her Majesty's Ministers have, we
+learn, taken a hint in criminal jurisprudence from his Worship the Mayor
+of Reading, and are now preparing a bill for Parliament, which they trust
+will be the means of checking the alarming desire for food which has begun
+to spread amongst the poorer classes of society. The crime of eating has
+latterly been indulged in to such an immoderate extent by the operatives
+of Yorkshire and the other manufacturing districts, that we do not wonder
+at our sagacious Premier adopting strong measures to suppress the
+unnatural and increasing appetites of the people.
+
+Taking up the sound judicial views of the great functionary above alluded
+to, who committed Bernard Cavanagh, the fasting man, to prison for
+smelling at a saveloy and a slice of ham, Sir Robert has laid down a
+graduated--we mean a _sliding--scale_ of penalties for the crime of
+eating, proportioning, with the most delicate skill, the exact amount of
+the punishment to the enormity of the offence. By his profound wisdom he
+has discovered that the great increase of crime in these countries is
+entirely attributable to over-feeding the multitude. Like the worthy Mr.
+Bumble, in "Oliver Twist," he protests "it is meat and not madness" that
+ails the people. He can even trace the origin of every felony to the
+particular kind of food in which the felon has indulged. He detects
+incipient incendiarism in eggs and fried bacon--homicide in an Irish
+stew--robbery and house-breaking in a basin of mutton-broth--and an
+aggravated assault in a pork sausage. Upon this noble and statesmanlike
+theory Sir Robert has based a bill which, when it becomes the law of the
+land, will, we feel assured, tend effectually to keep the rebellious
+stomachs of the people in a state of wholesome depletion. And as we now
+punish those offenders who break the Queen's peace, we shall, in like
+manner, then inflict the law upon the hungry scoundrels who dare to break
+the Queen's Fast.
+
+We have been enabled, through a private source, to obtain the following
+authentic copy of Sir Robert's scale of the offences under the intended
+Act, with the penalty attached to each, viz.:
+
+    For penny rolls or busters         Imprisonment not exceeding a
+                                         week.
+
+    For bread of any kind, with        Imprisonment for a month.
+      cheese or butter
+
+    For saveloys, German sausages,     One month's imprisonment, with
+      and Black puddings                 hard labour.
+
+    For a slice of ham, bacon, or      Imprisonment for three months,
+      meat of any kind                   and exercise on the treadmill.
+
+    For a hearty dinner on beef and    Transportation for seven years.
+      pudding
+
+    For do. with a pot of home-brewed  Transportation for life.
+      ale.
+
+As these offences apply only to those who have no right to eat, the
+wealthy and respectable portion of society need be under no apprehension
+that they will be exposed to any inconvenience by the operation of the new
+law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOBODY CARES AND*
+
+WELLINGTON has justified his claim to the _sobriquet_ of 'the iron Duke'
+by the manner in which he treated the deputation from Paisley. His Grace
+excused himself from listening to the tale of misery which several
+gentlemen had travelled 500 miles to narrate to him, on the plea that he
+was not a Minister of the Crown. Yet we have a right to presume that the
+Queen prorogued Parliament upon his Grace's recommendation, so if he be
+not one of Peel's Cabinet what is he? We suppose
+
+[Illustration: * NOBODY NOSE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HINTS HOW TO ENJOY AN OMNIBUS.
+
+1. On getting in, care neither for toes or knees of the passengers; but
+drive your way up to the top, steadying yourself by the shoulders, chests,
+or even faces of those seated.
+
+2. Seat yourself with a jerk, pushing against one neighbour, and thrusting
+your elbow into the side of the other. You will thus get plenty of room.
+
+3. If possible, enter with a stick or umbrella, pointed at full length; so
+that any sudden move of the "bus" may thrust it into some one's stomach.
+It will make you feared.
+
+4. When seated, occupy, if possible, the room of two, and revenge the
+treatment you have received on entering, by throwing every opposition in
+the way of a new-comer, especially if it be a woman with a child in her
+arms. It is a good plan to rest firmly on your umbrella, with your arms at
+right angles.
+
+5. Open or shut windows as it suits you; men with colds, or women with
+toothaches, have no business in omnibuses. If they don't like it, they can
+get out; no one _forces_ them to ride.
+
+6. Young bucks may stare any decent woman out of countenance, put their
+legs up along the seats, and if going out to dinner, wipe the mud off
+their boots on the seats. They are only plush.
+
+7. If middle-aged gentlemen are musical or political, they can dislocate a
+tune in something between a bark and a grumble, or endeavour to provoke an
+argument by declaring very loudly that Lord R---- or the Duke "is a
+thorough scoundrel," according to their opinion of public affairs.  If
+this don't take, they can keep up a perpetual squabble with the conductor,
+which will show they think themselves of some importance.
+
+8. Ladies wishing to be agreeable can bring lap dogs, large paper parcels,
+and children, to whom an omnibus is a ship, though you wish you were out
+of their reach.
+
+9. Conductors should particularly aim to take up laundresses returning
+with a large family washing, bakers and butchers in their working jackets,
+and, if a wet day, should be particular not to pull up to the pathway.
+
+10. For want of space, the following brevities must suffice:--Never say
+where you wish to stop until after you have passed the place, and then
+pull them up with a sudden jerk.  Keep your money in your
+waistcoat-pocket, and button your under and upper coat completely, and
+never attempt to get at it until the door is opened, and then let it be
+nothing under a five-shilling piece. Never ask any one to speak to the
+conductor for you, but hit or poke him with your umbrella or stick, or rap
+his hand as it rests on the door. He puts it there on purpose. Always stop
+the wrong omnibus, and ask if the Paddington goes to Walworth, and the
+Kennington to Whitechapel: you are not obliged to read all the rigmarole
+they paint on the outside. Finally, consider an omnibus as a carriage, a
+bed, a public-house, a place of amusement, or a boxing-ring, where you may
+ride, sleep, smoke, chaff, or quarrel, as it may suit you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PETER THE GREAT (FOOL?)
+
+The following colloquy occurred between a candidate for suicidal fame and
+the City's Peter Laureate:--
+
+"So, sir, you tried to hang yourself, did you?"
+
+"In course I did, or I should not have put my head in the noose."
+
+"You had no business to do so."
+
+"I did it for my pleasure, not for business."
+
+"I'll let you see, sir, you shan't do it either for fun or earnest."
+
+"Are you a Tory, Sir Peter?"
+
+"A Tory, sir! No, sir; I'm a magistrate."
+
+"Ah, that's why you interfere; you must be a low Rad, or you wouldn't
+prevent a man from
+
+[Illustration: DOING WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS HONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WISE MAN OF THE EAST.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE begs Punch to inform him, which of Arabia's Children is
+alluded to in Moore's beautiful ballad,
+
+  "Farewell to thee, Araby's daughter."
+
+He presumes it is Miss Elizabeth, commonly called _Bess-Arabia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VII.
+
+    I love the night with its mantle dark,
+      That hangs like a cloak on the face of the sky;
+    Oh what to me is the song of the lark?
+      Give me the owl; and I'll tell you why.
+    It is that at night I can walk abroad,
+      Which I may not do in the garish day,
+    Without being met in the streets, and bored
+      By some cursed dun, that I cannot pay.
+                No! no! night let it ever be:
+  The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!
+
+    Then tempt me not with thy soft guitar,
+      And thy voice like the sound of a silver bell,
+    To take a stroll, where the cold ones are
+      Who in lanes, not of trees but of fetters[1], dwell.
+    But wait until night upsets its ink
+      On the earth, on the sea, and all over the sky,
+    And then I'll go to the wide world's brink
+      With the girl I love, without feeling shy.
+                Oh, then, may it night for ever be!
+  The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!
+
+    But you turn aside! Ah! did you know,
+      What by searching the office you'd plainly see,
+    That I'm hunted down, like a (Richard) Roe,
+      You'd not thus avert your eyes from me.
+    Oh never did giant look after Thumb
+      (When the latter was keeping out of the way)
+    With a more tremendous fee-fo-fum
+      Than I'm pursued by a dread _fi-fa_.
+    Too-whit! too-whit! is the owl's sad song!
+      A writ! a writ! a writ! when mid the throng,
+    Is ringing in my ears the whole day long.
+                Ah me! night let it be:
+  The owl! the stately owl! is the bird--yes, the bird for me!
+
+    [1] Fetter-lane is clearly alluded to by the poet. It is believed
+        to be the bailiffs' quarter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+POPISH RED-DRESS.
+
+The _Examiner_ states that there is no such fabric as scarlet cloth made
+in Ireland. If this be true, the Lady of Babylon, who is said to reside in
+that country, and to be addicted to scarlet clothing, must be in a very
+destitute condition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SPOON CASE.
+
+A well-dressed individual has lately been visiting the lodging-house
+keepers of the metropolis. He engages lodgings--but being, as he says,
+just arrived from a long journey, he begs to have dinner before he returns
+to the Coach-Office for his luggage. This request being usually complied
+with, the new lodger, while the table is being laid, watches his
+opportunity and bolts with the silver spoons. Sir Peter Laurie says, that
+since this practice of filching the spoons has commenced, he does not feel
+himself safe in his own house. He only hopes the thief may be brought
+before him, and he promises to give him his _dessert_, by committing him
+without
+
+[Illustration: STANDING UPON CEREMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DAB FOR LAURIE.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, on a recent visit to Billingsgate for the purpose of
+making what he calls a _pisciatery_ tour, was much astonished at the
+vigorous performance of various of the real "live fish," some of which, as
+he sagely remarked, appeared to be perfect "Dabs" at jumping, and no doubt
+legitimate descendants from some particularly
+
+[Illustration: MERRY OLD SOLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORPS CORNER.
+
+If old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the
+deficiency?--To a gin-palace, because there they _re-tail_ bad spirits.
+
+Mr. G., who has a very ugly wife, named Euphemia, was asked lately why his
+spouse was the image of himself--and, to his great annoyance, discovered
+that it was because she was his _Effie-G_[2].
+
+    [2] I could make better than the above myself. E.G.--In what way
+        should Her Majesty stand upon a Bill in Parliament so as to
+        quash it?--By putting her _V-toe_ (_veto_) on it.--PRINTER'S
+        DEVIL.
+
+I floored Ben-beau D'Israeli the other day with the following:--"Ben,"
+said I, "if I were going to buy a violin, what method should I take to get
+it cheap?" Benjie looked rather more foolish than usual, and gave it up.
+"Why, you ninny," I replied, "I should buy an ounce of castor-oil, and
+then I would get a phial in (_violin_)." I think I had him there.
+
+Why is a female of the canine species suckling her whelps like a
+philosophic principle?--Because she is a dogma (_dog-ma_).
+
+What part of a horse's foot is like an irate governor?--The pastern
+(_pa-stern_).
+
+Why is the march of a funeral procession like a turnpike?--Because it is a
+toll-gait (_toll-gate_).
+
+Who is the greatest literary _star_?--The _poet-aster_.
+
+Why is an Israelite named William Solomons similar to a great public
+festival?--Because he is a Jubilee (_Jew-Billy_).
+
+Why are polished manners like a pea-jacket?--Because they are address (_a
+dress_).
+
+Why are swallows like a leap head-over-heels?--Because they are a summer
+set (_a somerset_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CUTTING IT RATHER SHORT.
+
+The unexpected adjournment of the Court of Queen's Bench, by Lord Denman,
+on last Thursday, has filled the bar with consternation.--"What is to
+become of our clients?" said Fitzroy Kelly.--"And of our fees?" added the
+Solicitor General.--"I feel deeply for my clients," sighed Serjeant
+Bompas.--"We all compassionate them, brother," observed Wilde.--In short,
+one and all declare it was a most arbitrary and unprecedented curtailment
+of their little _term_--and, to say the least of it,
+
+[Illustration: A MOST DISTRESSING BLOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NATIONAL DISTRESS.
+
+The Tee-totallers say that the majority of the people are victims to
+Bacchus. In the present hard times they are more likely to be victims to
+
+[Illustration: JUG O' NOUGHT--(JUGGERNAUT.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 12.
+
+  Away! away! ye hopes which stray
+    Like jeering spectres from the tomb!
+  Ye cannot light the coming night,
+    And shall not mock its gathering gloom;
+  Though dark the cloud shall form my shroud--
+    Though danger league with racking doubt--
+  Away! away! _ye_ shall not stay
+    When all my joys are "up the spout!"
+
+  I little knew when first ye threw
+    Your bright'ning beams on coming hours,
+  That time would see me turn from thee,
+    And fly your sweet delusive powers.
+  Now, nerved to woe, no more I'll know
+    How hope deferr'd makes mortal sick;
+  The gathering storm may whelm my form,
+    But I will suffer "like a brick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAURIE'S RAILLERY.
+
+When Sir Peter Laurie had taken his seat the other morning in that Temple
+of Momus, the Guildhall Justice Room, he was thus addressed by Payne, the
+clerk--"I see, Sir Peter, an advertisement in the _Times_, announcing the
+sale of shares in the railroad from Paris to ROUEN; would you advise me to
+invest a little loose cash in that speculation?" "Certainly not," replied
+the Knight, "nor in any other railway,--depend upon it, they all lead to
+the same terminus, RUIN." Payne, having exclaimed that this was the best
+thing he had ever heard, was presented by our own Alderman with a
+shilling, accompanied with a request that he would get his hair cropped to
+the magisterial standard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MEETING OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES.
+
+At the sale of the library of the late Theodore Hook, a curious copy of
+"The Complete Jester" was knocked down to "our own" Colonel. Delighted
+with his prize, he ran home, intending to lay in a fresh stock of _bons
+mots_; but what was his amazement on finding that all the jokes contained
+in the volume were those with which he has been in the habit of
+entertaining the public these last forty years! Sibby declares that the
+sight of so many old friends actually brought the tears into his eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+LOVE EXTEMPORE.
+
+As the hero of a romantic play is obliged to possess all the cardinal
+virtues and all the intellectual accomplishments, so the hero of a farce
+is bound to be a fool. One of the greatest, and at the same time one of
+the best fools it has been our pleasure to be introduced to for some time
+is _Mr. Titus Livingstone_, in the new farce of "Love Extempore."
+
+_Mr. Titus Livingstone_ possesses an excellent heart, a good fortune, and
+an uncommon stock of modesty. His intellects are, however, far from
+brilliant; indeed, but for one trait in his character he would pass for an
+idiot,--he has had the good sense never as yet to fall in love! In fact,
+the farce is founded upon that identical incident of his life which
+occasioned him to suppose that he had taken the tender passion extempore.
+
+Some sort of villany seems absolutely necessary to every species of play.
+To continue the parallel we commenced with between tragedy and farce, we
+observe that in the former he is usually such a person as _Spinola_, in
+"Nina Sforza," whilst a farce-villain turns out to be in most instances an
+intriguing widow, a lawyer, or a mischievous young lady. The rogue in
+"Love Extempore" is _Mrs. Courtnay_, a widow, who, with the assistance of
+_Sir Harry Nugent_, contrives a plot by which the hitherto insensible
+_Livingstone_ shall fall a victim to love and her friend _Prudence
+Oldstock_; with whose mother and sister the widow and her co-intriguant
+are staying on a visit.
+
+The moment fatal to Livingstone's virgin heart and unrestrained liberty
+arrives. He calls to pay a morning visit, and instantly the deep design is
+put into execution. _Sir Harry_ begins by a most extravagant puff
+preliminary of the talents, accomplishments, virtues, beauty, disposition,
+endowments, and graces belonging to the enchanting _Prudence_. He and the
+widow exhibit her drawings,--_Livingstone_ is in raptures, or pretends to
+be (for he is not an ill-bred man). What a piercing expression flashes
+from those studies of eyes (in chalk)! what an artistical grouping of
+legs! what a Saracen's-head-upon-Snow-hill-like ferocity frowns from that
+Indian chief!
+
+At this juncture the captivating artist is herself introduced. _Mr.
+Livingstone's_ modesty strikes him into a heap of confusion. "He sighs and
+looks, and looks and sighs again,"--he does not know "what to say, or how
+to say it; so that the trembling bachelor may become a wise and good
+lover." He stutters and hems in the utmost distress; to increase which,
+all his tormentors turn up the stage, leaving him to entertain the lady
+alone. The sketches naturally suggest a topic, and, plunging _in medias
+res_ at once, he vehemently praises her legs! The lady is astonished, and
+the mamma alarmed; but having explained that the allusion was to the
+drawings, he is afterwards punished for the blunder by being threatened
+with a song. Though at a loss to find out what he has done to deserve such
+an infliction, he submits; for he is very sleepy, and sinks into a chair
+in an attitude of supposed attention, but really in a posture best adapted
+for a nap. When the song is ended the applause of course comes in; this
+awakens _Livingstone_ in a fright; he starts, and throws down a harp in
+his fall.
+
+After this _contretemps_, the villany of the widow and her ally takes a
+different turn. In a love affair there are generally two parties; and
+_Miss Prudence_ has got to be persuaded that _she_ is in love. This it is
+not difficult to accomplish, she being no more overburdened with
+penetration than the gentleman they are so kind as to say she is in love
+with. So far all goes on well: for she is soon convinced that she is
+enamoured to the last extremity.
+
+_Livingstone_ having a sort of glimmering that the danger so long averted
+at length impends over him--that he is falling into the trap of love, with
+every chance of the fall continuing down to the bottomless pit of
+matrimony, determines to avert the catastrophe by flight. The pair of
+villains, however, set up a cry of "Stop thief," and he is brought back.
+_Sir Harry_ appeals to his feelings. Good gracious! is he so base, so
+dishonourable, so heartless, to rob an innocent, unsuspecting, and
+accomplished girl of her heart, and then wickedly desert her! Oh, no! In
+short, having already persuaded the poor man that he is in love, _Sir
+Harry_ convinces him that he would also be a deceiver; and _Livingstone_
+would have returned like a lamb to the slaughter but for a new incident.
+
+He has an uncle who is engaged in a law-suit with some of _Mrs.
+Courtnay's_ family. To bring this litigation to an amicable end it has
+been proposed that _Livingstone_ should marry the widow's sister. Here is
+a discovery! So, the deep widow has been unwittingly plotting against her
+own sister! Things must be altered; and so they are, in no time, for she
+persuades the easy hero that _Nugent_ is in love with _Prudence_ himself;
+but, finding she adores her new lover, has magnanimously given up his
+claims in his favour. This has the desired effect, for _Livingstone_ will
+have no such noble sacrifice made on his account. He seeks _Sir Harry_;
+who, discovering the double design of the profound widow, talks as
+immensely magnanimous as they do in classic dramas. In short, both play at
+Romans till the end of the piece; the hero and heroine being at last fully
+persuaded that they have each really fallen in "Love Extempore!"
+
+This idea of persuading two persons into the bonds of love--of having all
+the courting done at second-hand, is admirably worked out. _Livingstone_
+is a well-drawn character; so well, so naturally painted, that he hardly
+deserves to be the hero of a farce. Although exceedingly soft, he is a
+well-bred fool--though somewhat fat (for the actor is Mr. David Rees); he
+is not altogether inelegant. The gentleman who does the theatrical
+metaphysics in the _Morning Herald_ has described him as a capital
+specimen of "physical obesity and moral teunity,"[3]--which we quote to
+save ourselves trouble, for the force of description can no further go.
+_Prudence_ is also inimitable--a march-of-intellect young lady without
+brains, who knows the names of the five large rivers in America, and how
+many bones there are in the gills of a turbot. In Miss P. Horton's hands
+her mechanical acquirements were done ample justice to. The cold unmeaning
+love scene was rendered mainly by her acting
+
+[Illustration: A N-ICE SITUATION.]
+
+    [3] _Sic_, actually, in the dramatic article of that paper,
+        Wednesday, 24th ult.
+
+In fine, the farce is altogether a leaven of the best material most
+cleverly worked up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PERFECT VACUUM PROVED.
+
+MR. HALSE, the gentleman who has during the last week been lecturing upon
+Animal Magnetism, having stated that one of his patients, while under the
+magnetic influence, could "see her own inside," the Marquis of
+Londonderry, anxious to test the truth of the assertion, requested the
+lecturer to operate upon him, and being thrown into the Mesmeric sleep,
+looked into the inside of his own head, and declared he could see nothing
+in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON BY O'CONNER.
+
+Why ought the Children of a Thief to be burnt?--Because _their Pa steals_
+(they're pastiles).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, December 4, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14939.txt or 14939.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14939/
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/14939.zip b/14939.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9eb20cd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14939.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b122bc2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14939 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14939)