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diff --git a/14939.txt b/14939.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17633b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14939.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2166 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +December 4, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14939] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 4, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE FIRE AT THE TOWER. + +The document with this title, that has got into the newspapers, has been +dressed up for the public eye. We have obtained the original _draft_, and +beg to administer it to our readers _neat_, in the precise language it was +written in. + +THE OFFICIAL REPORT. + +MR. SNOOKS says, that it being his turn to be on watch on the night of +Saturday, October 30th, he went to his duty as usual, and having turned +into his box, slept until he was amazed by shouts and the rolling of +wheels in all directions. The upper door of his box being open, he looked +out of it, and his head struck violently against something hard, upon +which he attempted to open the lower door of his box, when he found he +could not. Thinking there was something wrong, he became very active in +raising an alarm, but could obtain no attention; and he has since found +that in the hurry of moving property from different parts of the building, +his box had been closely barricaded; and he, consequently, was compelled +to remain in it until the following morning. He says, however, that +everything was quite safe in the middle of the day when he took his +great-coat to his box, and trimmed his lantern ready for the evening. + +MRS. SNOOKS, wife of the above witness, corroborates the account of her +husband, so far as trimming the lanthern in the daytime is concerned, and +also as to his being encased in his box until the morning. She had no +anxiety about him, because she had been distinctly told that the fire did +not break out until past ten, and her husband she knew was sure to be snug +in his box by that time. + +JOHN JONES, a publican, says, at about nine o'clock on Saturday, the 30th +of October, he saw a light in the Tower, which flickered very much like a +candle, as if somebody was continually blowing one out and blowing it in +again. He observed this for about half an hour, when it began to look as +if several gas-lights were in the room and some one was turning the gas on +and off very rapidly. After this he went to bed, and was disturbed shortly +before midnight by hearing that the Tower was in flames. + +SERGEANT FIPS, of the Scotch Fusileer (Qy. _Few sillier_) Guards, was at a +public-house on Tower-hill, when, happening to go to the door, he observed +a large quantity of thick smoke issuing from one of the windows of the +Tower. Knowing that Major Elrington, the deputy governor, was fond of a +cigar, he thought nothing of the circumstance of the smoke, and was +surprised in about half an hour to see flames issuing from the building. + +GEORGE SNIVEL saw the fire bursting from the Tower on Saturday night, and +being greatly frightened he ran home to his mother as soon as possible. +His mother called him a fool, and said it was the gas-works. + +THOMAS POPKINS rents a back attic at Rotherhithe; he had been peeling an +onion on the 30th of October, and went to the window for the purpose of +throwing out the external coat of the vegetable mentioned in the beginning +of his testimony, when he saw a large fire burning somewhere, with some +violence. Not thinking it could be the Tower, he went to bed after eating +the onion--which has been already twice alluded to in the course of his +evidence. + +MR. SWIFT, of the Jewel-office, says, that he saw the Tower burning at the +distance of about three acres from where the jewels are kept, when his +first thought was to save the regalia. For this purpose he rushed to the +scene of the conflagration and desired everybody who would obey him, to +leave what they were about and follow him to that part of the Tower set +apart for the jewels. Several firemen were induced to quit the pumps, and +having prevailed on a large body of soldiers, he led them and a vast +miscellaneous mob to the apartments where the crown, &c., were deposited. +After a considerable quantity of squeezing, screaming, cursing, and +swearing, it was discovered that the key was missing, when the jewel-room +was carried by storm, and the jewels safely lodged in some other part of +the building. When witness returned to the fire, it was quite out, and the +armoury totally demolished. + +The whole of the official report is in the same satisfactory strain, but +we do not feel ourselves justified in printing any more of it. + + * * * * * + + +A CON-CERTED CON. + +"When is the helm of a ship like a certain English composer?"--said the +double bass to the trombone in the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre, +while resting themselves the other evening between the acts of Norma.--The +trombone wished he might be _blowed_ if he could tell.--"When it is +_A-lee_" quoth the bass--rosining his bow with extraordinary delight at +his own conceit. + + * * * * * + + +RECONCILING A DIFFERENCE. + +Two literary partisans were lately contending with considerable warmth, +for the superiority of Tait's or Blackwood's Magazine--till from words +they fell to blows, and decided the dispute by the _argumentum ad +hominem_.--Doctor Maginn, hearing of the circumstance, observed to a +friend, that however the pugnacious gentleman's opinions might differ with +respect to _Tait_ and _Blackwood_, it was evident they were content to +decide them by a _Frazer_ (_fray sir_). + + * * * * * + + +OUR WEATHERCOCK. + +The state of the weather, at all times an object of intense interest and +general conversation amongst Englishmen, has latterly engaged much of our +attention; and the observations which we have made on the extraordinary +changes which have taken place in the weathercock during the last week +warrant us in saying "there must be something in the wind." It has been +remarked that Mr. Macready's _Hamlet_ and Mr. Dubourg's chimneys have not +_drawn_ well of late. A smart breeze sprung up between Mr. and Mrs. Smith, +of Brixton, on last Monday afternoon, which increased during the night, +and ended in a perfect storm. Sir Peter Laurie on the same evening retired +to bed rather misty, and was exceedingly foggy all the following morning. +At the Lord Mayor's dinner the _glass_ was observed to rise and fall +several times in a most remarkable manner, and at last settled at "heavy +wet." A flock of gulls were seen hovering near Crockford's on Tuesday, and +on that morning the milkman who goes the Russell-square walk was observed +to blow the tips of his fingers at the areas of numerous houses. +Applications for food were made by some starving paupers to the Relieving +Officers of different workhouses, but the hearts of those worthy +individuals were found to be completely frozen. Notwithstanding the +severity of the weather, the nose of the beadle of St. Clement Danes has +been seen for nearly the last fortnight in full blossom. A heavy fall of +blankets took place on Wednesday, and the fleecy covering still lies on +several beds in and near the metropolis. Expecting frost to set in, Sir +Robert Peel has been busily employed on his _sliding scale_; in fact, +affairs are becoming very slippery in the Cabinet, and Sir James Graham is +already preparing to trim his sail to the next change of wind. +Watercresses, we understand, are likely to be scarce; there is a brisk +demand for "bosom friends" amongst unmarried ladies; and it is feared that +the intense cold which prevails at nights will drive some unprovided young +men into the _union_. + + * * * * * + + +THE BANE AND ANTIDOTE. + +We are requested to state that the insane person who lately attempted to +obtain an entrance into Buckingham Palace was not the Finsbury renegade, +Mr. Wakley. We are somewhat surprised that the rumour should have obtained +circulation, as the unfortunate man is described as being of respectable +appearance. + + * * * * * + + +THE CORSAIR. + +A POEM TO BE READ ON RAILROADS. + + The sky was dark--the sea was rough; + The Corsair's heart was brave and tough; + The wind was high--the waves were steep; + The moon was veil'd--the ocean deep; + The foam against the vessel dash'd: + The Corsair overboard was wash'd. + A rope in vain was thrown to save-- + The brine is now the Corsair's grave! + +As it is expected that the jogging and jerking, or the sudden passing +through tunnels, may in some degree interfere with the perusal of this +poem, we give it with the abbreviations, as it is likely to be read with +the drawbacks alluded to. + +Wherever there is a dash--it is supposed there will be a jolt of the +vehicle. + +CORSAIR-POEM. + + --sky--dark--sea--rough; + --Corsair--brave--tough; + --wind--high--waves steep; + --moon--veil'd--oce--deep; + --foam--gainst--vess--dash'd; + --Corsair--board--wash'd. + --rope--vain--to save, + --brine--Cors--grave. + + * * * * * + + +"STUPID AS A 'POST.'" + +The _Morning Post_ has made another blunder. Lord Abinger, it seems, is +too Conservative to resign. After all the editorial boasting about +"exclusive information," "official intelligence," &c. it is very evident +that the "_Morning Twaddler_" must not be looked upon as a direction +_post_. + + * * * * * + + +We learn that a drama of startling interest, founded upon a recent event +of singular horror, is in active preparation at the Victoria Theatre. It +is to be entitled "_Cavanagh the Culprit; or, the Irish Saveloyard_." The +interest of the drama will be immensely strengthened by the introduction +of the genuine knife with which the fatal ham was cut. Real saveloys will +also be eaten by the Fasting Phenomenon before the audience. + + * * * * * + + +"Never saw such _stirring_ times," as the spoon said to the saucepan. + + * * * * * + + + +THE "PUFF PAPERS." + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER I. + +Having expressed the great gratification I should enjoy at being permitted +to become a member of so agreeable a society, I was formally presented by +the chairman with a capacious meerschaum, richly mounted in silver, and +dark with honoured age, filled with choice tobacco, which he informed me +was the initiatory pipe to be smoked by every neophyte on his admission +amongst the "Puffs." I shall not attempt to describe with what profound +respect I received that venerable tube into my hands--how gently I applied +the blazing match to its fragrant contents--how affectionately I placed +the amber mouth-piece between my lips, and propelled the thick wreaths of +smoke in circling eddies to the ceiling:--to dilate upon all this might +savour of an egotistical desire to exalt my own merits--a species of +_puffing_ I mortally abhor. Suffice it to say, that when I had smoked the +pipe of peace, I was heartily congratulated by the chairman and the +company generally upon the manner in which I had acquitted myself, and I +was declared without a dissentient voice a duly-elected member of the +"Puffs." + +The business of the night, which my entrance had interrupted, was now +resumed; and the chairman, whom I shall call Arden, striking his hammer +upon a small mahogany box which was placed before him on the table, +requested silence. Before I permit him to speak, I must give my readers a +pen-and-ink sketch of his person. He was rather tall and erect in his +person--his head was finely formed--and he had a quick grey eye, which +would have given an unpleasant sharpness to his features, had it not been +softened by the benevolent smile which played around his mouth. In his +attire he was somewhat formal, and he affected an antiquated style in the +fashion of his dress. When he spoke, his words fell with measured +precision from his lips; but the mellow tone of his voice, and a certain +courteous _empressement_ in his manner, at once interested me in his +favour; and I set him down in my mind as a gentleman of the old English +school. How far I was right in my conjecture my readers will hereafter +have an opportunity of determining. + +"Our new member," said the chairman, turning towards me, "should now be +informed that we have amongst us some individuals who possess a taste for +literary pursuits." + +"A very small taste," whispered a droll-looking 'Puff,' with a +particularly florid nose, who was sitting on my right hand, and who +appeared to be watching all the evening for opportunities of letting off +his jokes, which were always applauded longest and loudest by himself. My +comical neighbour's name, I afterwards learned, was Bayles; he was the +licensed jester of the club; he had been a punster from his youth; and it +was his chief boast that he had joked himself into the best society and +out of the largest fortune of any individual in the three kingdoms. + +This incorrigible wag having broken the thread of the chairman's speech, I +shall only add the substance of it. It was, that the literary members of +the "Puffs" had agreed to contribute from time to time articles in prose +and verse; tales, legends, and sketches of life and manners--all which +contributions were deposited in the mahogany box on the table; and from +this literary fund a paper was extracted by the chairman on one of the +nights of meeting in each week, and read by him aloud to the club. + +These manuscripts, I need scarcely say, will form the series of THE PUFF +PAPERS, which, for the special information of the thousands of the fair +sex who will peruse them, are like the best black teas, strongly +recommended for their fine _curling leaf_. + +The first paper drawn by the chairman was an Irish Tale; which, after a +humorous protest by Mr. Bayles against the introduction of foreign +extremities, was ordered to be read. + +The candles being snuffed, and the chairman's spectacles adjusted to the +proper focus, he commenced as follows:-- + +THE GIANT'S STAIRS. + +A LEGEND OF THE SOUTH OF IRELAND. + +"Don't be for quitting us so airly, Felix, _ma bouchal_, it's a taring +night without, and you're better sitting there opposite that fire than +facing this unmarciful storm," said Tim Carthy, drawing his stool closer +to the turf-piled hearth, and addressing himself to a young man who +occupied a seat in the chimney nook, whose quick bright eye and somewhat +humorous curl of the corner of the mouth indicated his character pretty +accurately, and left no doubt that he was one of those who would laugh +their laugh out, if the _ould boy_ stood at the door. The reply to Tim's +proposal was a jerk of Felix's great-coat on his left shoulder, and a sly +glance at the earthen mug which he held, as he gradually bent it from its +upright position, until it was evident that the process of absorption had +been rapidly acting on its contents. Tim, who understood the freemasonry +of the manoeuvre, removed all the latent scruples of Felix by +adding--"There's more of that stuff--where you know; and by the crook of +St. Patrick we'll have another drop of it to comfort us this blessed +night. Whisht! do you hear how the wind comes sweeping over the hills? God +help the poor souls at say!" + +"Wissha amen!" replied Tim's wife, dropping her knitting, and devoutly +making the sign of the cross upon her forehead. + +A silence of a few moments ensued; during which, each person present +offered up a secret prayer for the safety of those who might at that +moment be exposed to the fury of the warring elements. + +I should here inform my readers that the cottage of Tim Carthy was +situated in the deep valley which runs inland from the strand at +Monkstown, a pretty little bathing village, that forms an interesting +object on the banks of the romantic Lee, near the "beautiful city" of +Cork. + +"I never heard such a jearful storm since the night Mahoon, the ould +giant, who lives in the cave under the _Giants Stairs_, sunk the three +West Ingee-men that lay at anchor near the rocks," observed Mrs. Carthy. + +"It's Felix can tell us, if he plazes, a quare story about that same +Mahoon," added Tim, addressing himself to the young man. + +"You're right there, anyhow, Tim," replied Felix; "and as my pipe is just +out, I'll give you the whole truth of the story as if I was after kissing +the book upon it. + +"You must know, then, it was one fine morning near Midsummer, about five +years ago, that I got up very airly to go down to the beach and launch my +boat, for I meant to try my luck at fishing for conger eels under the +Giant's Stairs. I wasn't long pulling to the spot, and I soon had my lines +baited and thrown out; but not so much as a bite did I get to keep up my +spirits all that blessed morning, till I was fairly kilt with fatigue and +disappointment. Well, I was thinking of returning home again, when all at +once I felt something mortial heavy upon one of my lines. At first I +thought it was a big conger, but then I knew that no fish would hang so +dead upon my hand, so I hauled in with fear and thrembling, for I was +afeard every minnit my line or my hook would break, and at last I got my +prize to the top of the water, and then safe upon the gunnel of the +boat;--and what do you think it was?" + +"In troth, Felix, sorra one of us knows." + +"Well, then, it was nothing else but a little dirty black oak box, hooped +round with iron, and covered with say-weed and barnacles, as if it had +lain a long time in the water. 'Oh, ho!' says myself, 'it's in rale good +luck I am this beautiful morning. Phew! as sure as turf, 'tis full of +goold, or silver, or dollars, the box is.' For, by dad, it was so heavy +intirely I could scarcely move it, and it sunk my little boat a'most to +the water's edge; so I pulled back for bare life to the shore, and ran the +boat into a lonesome little creek in the rocks. There I managed somehow to +heave out the little box upon dry land, and, finding a handy lump of a +stone, I wasn't long smashing the iron fastenings, and lifting up the lid. +I looked in, and saw a weeshy ould weasened fellow sitting in it, with his +legs gothered up under him like a tailor. He was dressed in a green coat, +all covered with goold lace, a red scarlet waistcoat down to his hips, and +a little three-cornered cocked hat upon the top of his head, with a cock's +feather sticking out of it as smart as you plase. + +"'Good morrow to you, Felix Donovan,' says the small chap, taking off his +hat to me, as polite as a dancing-masther. + +"'Musha! then the tip top of the morning to you,' says I, 'it's ashamed of +yourself you ought to be, for putting me to such a dale of throuble.' + +"'Don't mention it, Felix,' says he, 'I'll be proud to do as much for you +another time. But why don't you open the box, and let me out? 'tis many a +long day I have been shut up here in this could dark place.' All the time +I was only holding the lid partly open. + +"'Thank you kindly, my tight fellow,' says myself, quite 'cute; 'maybe you +think I don't know you, but plase God you'll not stir a peg out of where +you are until you pay me for my throuble.' + +"'Millia murdher!' says the little chap. 'What could a poor crather like +me have in the world? Haven't I been shut up here without bite or sup?' +and then he began howling and bating his head agin the side of the box, +and making most pitiful moans. But I wasn't to be deceived by his thricks, +so I put down the lid of the box and began to hammer away at it, when he +roared out,-- + +"'Tare an' agers! Felix Donovan, sure you won't be so cruel as to shut me +up again? Open the box, man, till I spake to you.' + +"'Well, what do you want now'!' savs I, lifting up the lid the laste taste +in life. + +"'I'll tell you what, Felix, I'll give you twenty goolden guineas if +you'll let me out.' + +"'Soft was your horn, my little fellow; your offer don't shoot.' + +"'I'll give you fifty. + +"'No.' + +"'A hundred.' + +"'T won't do. If you were to offer me all the money in the Cork bank I +wouldn't take it.' + +"'What the diaoul will you take then?' says the little ould chap, +reddening like a turkey-cock in the gills with anger. + +"'I'll tell you,' says I, making answer; 'I'll take the three best gifts +that you can bestow.'" + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + + +Why is a butcher like a language master?--Because he is a _retailer of +tongues_. + + * * * * * + + +THE KNATCHBULL TESTIMONIAL. + +A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held during the +past week at the sign of "_The Conservative Cauliflower_," Duck-lane, +Westminster, for the purpose of presenting an address, and anything else, +that the meeting might decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his +patriotic opposition to 'pikes. + +Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously called to +the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to the call, and +having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand and his pipe with the +other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and deposited himself in the seat +of honour. As there was no hammer in the room, the inventive genius of the +learned chairman, suggested the substitution of his bell, and having +agitated its clapper three times, and shouted "_Orger_" with stentorian +emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:-- + +"Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry, it isn't often +that a cheer is taken in this room for no other than harmonic meetings or +club-nights, and it is, therefore, with oncommon pride that I feels myself +in my present proud persition. (_Werry good! and Hear, hear!_) You are all +pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this here +great nation. (_We is! and cheers._) For some years I've had the honour to +collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I may say; and in my mind the werry +best standard of a real gentleman is his dust-hole. (_Hear, hear! and He's +vide avake!_) You're hailed," continued the eloquent Adam, "you're hailed +by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you pulls up alongside of the curb; you +collars your basket, and with your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast +into the hairy; one glance at the dust conwinces you vether you're to have +sixpence or a swig of lamen-table beer. (_It does! and cheers._) A man as +sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (_Immense cheering, which was +rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of Dirk's dangle-dangles, +otherwise bells._) But you'll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard? +I'll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear out Sir +Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories knows what +_jobs_ is, and pays according-_ly_. (_Here the Meeting gave the +Conservative Costermonger fire._) The 'pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard +has jist been werrified, for hasn't he comed forrard to oppose them +rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair--on enterprising +higgling and 'twelve in a tax-cart?' need I say I alludes to them blessed +'pikes? (_Long and continued cheers._) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the +'pike-men didn't make the dirt that makes the road, and werry justly +refuses to fork out tuppence-ha'penny! It's werry true Sir Eddard says +that the t'other taxes must be paid, as what's to pay the ministers? But +it's highly unreasonable that 'pike-men is to be put alongside of Prime +Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus polte-ry! Had +that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a thing it would ha' +been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and that's the price of a reasonable +'pike-ticket. That wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum +of 'Old Tom' is come-atable for the walley of them werry browns. But Sir +Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour--the 'pikes has it! (_Shame!_) +It's for us to reward him. I therefore proposes that a collection of +turnpike tickets is made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and +glaziered, and presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight." (_Immense +applause._) + +Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen dealer, +seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that "Old +'pike-tickets would do as well as new 'uns; and everybody know'd that +second-hand tumpike-tickets warn't werry waluable, so the thing could be +done handsome and reasonable." + +A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few minutes +the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan trusts, together +with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the donor stated "could ony be +'ad for axing for." + +A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this unique +testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull. + +It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the neighbourhood of the +Metropolis are trying to get up a counter meeting. We have written to Mr. +Levy on the subject. + + * * * * * + + +MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE). + +We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned +for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over +the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance +in public. Doubtless, his performance will be _a solo on one string_. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +10.--THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION. + +[Illustration: T]The morning after the carousal reported in our last +chapter, the parties thereat assisting are dispersed in various parts of +London. Did a modern Asmodeus take a spectator to any elevated point from +which he could overlook the Great Metropolis of Mr. Grant and England just +at this period, when Aurora has not long called the sun, who rises as +surlily as if he had got out of bed the wrong way, he would see Mr. Rapp +ruminating upon things in general whilst seated on some cabbages in Covent +Garden Market; Mr. Jones taking refreshment with a lamplighter and two +cabmen at a promenade coffee-stand near Charing Cross, to whom he is +giving a lecture upon the action of veratria in paralysis, jumbled somehow +or other with frequent asseverations that he shall at all times be happy +to see the aforesaid lamplighter and two cabmen at the hospital or his own +lodgings; Mr. Manhug, with a pocket-handkerchief tied round his head, not +clearly understanding what has become of his latch-key, but rather +imagining that he threw it into a lamp instead of the short pipe which +still remains in the pocket of his pea-jacket, and, moreover, finding +himself close to London Bridge, is taking a gratuitous doze in the cabin +of the Boulogne steam-boat, which he ascertains does not start until eight +o'clock; whilst Mr. Simpson, the new man, with the usual destiny of such +green productions--thirsty, nauseated, and "coming round"--is safely taken +care of in one of the small private unfurnished apartments which are let +by the night on exceedingly moderate terms (an introduction by a policeman +of known respectability being all the reference that is required) in the +immediate neighbourhood of the Bow-street Police-office. Where Mr. Muff +is--it is impossible to form the least idea; he may probably speak for +himself. + +The reader will now please to shift the time and place to two o'clock P.M. +in the dissecting-room, which is full of students, comprising three we +have just spoken of, except Mr. Simpson. A message has been received that +the anatomical teacher is unavoidably detained at an important case in +private practice, and cannot meet his class to day. Hereupon there is much +rejoicing amongst the pupils, who gather in a large semicircle round the +fireplace, and devise various amusing methods of passing the time. Some +are for subscribing to buy a set of four-corners, to be played in the +museum when the teachers are not there, and kept out of sight in an old +coffin when they are not wanted. Others vote for getting up sixpenny +sweepstakes, and raffling for them with dice--the winner of each to stand +a pot out of his gains, and add to the goodly array of empty pewters which +already grace the mantelpiece in bright order, with the exception of two +irregulars, one of which Mr. Rapp has squeezed flat to show the power of +his hand; and in the bottom of the other Mr. Manhug has bored a foramen +with a red-hot poker in a laudable attempt to warm the heavy that it +contained. Two or three think they had better adjourn to the nearest slate +table and play a grand pool; and some more vote for tapping the +preparations in the museum, and making the porter of the dissecting-room +intoxicated with the grog manufactured from the proof spirit. The various +arguments are, however, cut short by the entrance of Mr. Muff, who rushes +into the room, followed by Mr. Simpson, and throwing off his macintosh +cape, pitches a large fluttering mass of feathers into the middle of the +circle. + +"Halloo, Muff! how are you, my bean--what's up?" is the general +exclamation. + +"Oh, here's a lark!" is all Mr. Muff's reply. + +"Lark!" cries Mr. Rapp; "you're drunk, Muff--you don't mean to call that a +lark!" + +"It's a beautiful patriarchal old hen," returns Mr. Muff, "that I bottled +as she was meandering down the mews; and now I vote we have her for lunch. +Who's game to kill her?" + +Various plans are immediately suggested, including cutting her head off, +poisoning her with morphia, or shooting her with a little cannon Mr Rapp +has got in his locker; but at last the majority decide upon hanging her. A +gibbet is speedily prepared, simply consisting of a thigh-bone laid across +two high stools; a piece of whip cord is then noosed round the victim's +neck; and she is launched into eternity, as the newspapers say--Mr. Manhug +attending to pull her legs. + +"Depend upon it that's a humane death," remarks Mr. Jones. "I never tried +to strangle a fowl but once, and then I twisted its neck bang off. I know +a capital plan to finish cats though." + +"Throw it off--put it up--let's have it," exclaim the circle. + +"Well, then; you must get their necks in a slip knot and pull them up to a +key-hole. They can't hurt you, you know, because you are the other side +the door. + +"Oh, capital--quite a wrinkle," observes Mr. Muff. "But how do you catch +them first?" + +"Put a hamper outside the leads with some valerian in it, and a bit of +cord tied to the lid. If you keep watch, you may bag half-a-dozen in no +time; and strange cats are fair game for everybody,--only some of them are +rum 'uns to bite." + +At this moment, a new Scotch pupil, who is lulling himself into the belief +that he is studying anatomy from some sheep's eyes by himself in the +Museum, enters the dissecting-room, and mildly asks the porter "what a +heart is worth?" + +"I don't know, sir," shouts Mr. Rapp; "it depends entirely upon what's +trumps;" whereupon the new Scotch pupil retires to his study as if he was +shot, followed by several pieces of cinders and tobacco-pipe, + +During the preceding conversation, Mr. Muff cuts down the victim with a +scalpel; and, finding that life has departed, commences to pluck it, and +perform the usual post-mortem abdominal examinations attendant upon such +occasions. Mr. Rapp undertakes to manufacture an extempore spit, from the +rather dilapidated umbrella of the new Scotch pupil, which he has +heedlessly left in the dissecting-room. This being completed, with the +assistance of some wire from the ribs of an old skeleton that had hung in +a corner of the room ever since it was built, the hen is put down to +roast, presenting the most extraordinary specimen of trussing upon record. +Mr. Jones undertakes to buy some butter at a shop behind the hospital; and +Mr. Manhug, not being able to procure any flour, gets some starch from the +cabinet of the lecturer on Materia Medica, and powders it in a mortar +which he borrows from the laboratory. + +"To revert to cats," observes Mr. Manhug, as he sets himself before the +fire to superintend the cooking; "it strikes me we could contrive no end +to fun if we each agreed to bring some here one day in carpet-bags. We +could drive in plenty of dogs, and cocks, and hens, out of the back +streets, and then let them all loose together in the dissecting-room." + +"With a sprinkling of rats and ferrets," adds Mr. Rapp. "I know a man who +can let us have as many as we want. The skrimmage would be immense, only I +shouldn't much care to stay and see it." + +"Oh that's nothing," replies Mr. Muff. "Of course, we must get on the roof +and look at it through the skylights. You may depend upon it, it would be +the finest card we ever played." + +How gratifying to every philanthropist must be these proofs of the +elasticity of mind peculiar to a Medical Student! Surrounded by scenes of +the most impressive and deplorable nature--in constant association with +death and contact with disease--his noble spirit, in the ardour of his +search after professional information, still retains its buoyancy and +freshness; and he wreaths with roses the hours which he passes in the +dissecting-room, although the world in general looks upon it as a rather +unlikely locality for those flowers to shed their perfume over! + +"By the way, Muff, where did you get to last night after we all cut?" +inquires Mr. Rapp. + +"Why, that's what I am rather anxious to find out myself," replies Mr. +Muff; "but I think I can collect tolerably good reminiscences of my +travels." + +"Tell us all about it then," cry three or four. + +"With pleasure--only let's have in a little more beer; for the heat of the +fire in cooking produces rather too rapid an evaporation of fluids from +the surface of the body." + +"Oh, blow your physiology!" says Rapp. "You mean to say you've got a hot +copper--so have I. Send for the precious balm, and then fire away." + +And accordingly, when the beer arrives, Mr. Muff proceeds with the recital +of his wanderings. + + * * * * * + +LOVE AND HYMEN. + + Cupid (that charming little _garcon_), + When free, is am'rous, brisk, and gay; + But when he's noos'd by Hymen's parson, + Snores like _Glenelg_, or flies away. + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITY ARTICLE. + +An alarming forgery of Mendicity Society's tickets has been discovered in +Red Lion Square, and has caused much conversation at the doors of most of +the gin palaces. Our readers are probably aware what these tickets are, +though, being a particular class of security, there is not a great deal +publicly done in them. They are issued to certain subscribers, who pay a +guinea per year towards housing a Secretary and some other officers in a +moderate-sized house, in the kitchen of which certain soup is prepared, +which is partaken of by a number of persons called the Board, who are said +to taste it and see that it is good; and if there is any left, which may +occasionally happen, the poor are allowed to finish it. This valuable +privilege is secured by tickets; and these tickets are found to be forged +to a very large amount--some say indeed to the amount of 14,000 basins. It +is not usual to pay off these soup tickets, but a sort of interest can be +had upon them by standing just over the railings of the house in Red Lion +Square, when the Secretary's dinner is being cooked or served up, and a +certain amount of savoury steam is then put into circulation. The house +has been besieged all day with "innocent holders," who, on giving their +tickets in, cannot get them back again. The genuine tickets are known by +the stamp, which is a soup plate _rampant_, and a spoon _argent_,--the +latter being the emblem of the subscribers. + +A great deal is said of a new company, whose object is to take advantage +of a well-known fact in chemistry. It is known that diamonds can be +resolved into charcoal, as well as that charcoal can be ultimately reduced +to air; and a company is to be founded with the view of simply _reversing +the process_. Instead of getting air from diamonds, their object will be +to get diamonds from air; and in fact the chief promoters of it have +generally drawn from that source the greater part of their capital. The +whole sum for shares need not be paid up at once; but the Directors will +be satisfied in the first instance with 10 per cent. on the whole sum to +be raised from the adventurers. It is intended to declare a dividend at +the earliest possible period, which will be directly the first diamond has +been made by the new process. + + * * * * * + + +CON. BY SIBTHORP AND STULTZ. + +Why are batteries and soldiers like the hands and feet of +tailors?--Because the former make breaches (_breeches_), and the latter +pass through them. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP. + +SIP THE THIRD. GOS-SIP. + + That hour devoted to thy vesper "service"-- + Dulcet exhilaration! glorious tea!-- + I deem my happiest. Howsoe'er I swerve, as + To mind or morals, elsewhere, over thee + I am a perfect creature, quite impervious + To care, or tribulation, or _ennui_-- + In fact, I do agnize to thee an utter + Devotion even to the bread and butter. + + The homely kettle hissing on the bar-- + (Urns I detest, irrelevant pomposities)-- + The world beyond the window-blinds, as far + As I can thrust it--this defines what "cosset" is-- + What woe that rhyme such scene of bliss must mar! + But rhyme, alas! is one of my atrocities; + In common with those bards who have the scratch + Of writing, and are all right with Catnach. + + "How Nancy Sniggles was the village pride,-- + How Will, her sweetheart, went to be a sailor; + How much at parting Nancy Sniggles cried,-- + And how she snubb'd her funny friend the tailor; + How William boldly fought and bravely died; + How Nancy Sniggles felt her senses fail her--" + Then comes a sad _denouement_--now-a-days + It is not virtue dominant that pays. + + Such tales, in this, the post-octavo age, + Our novelists incontinently tells us-- + Tales, wherein lovely heroines engage + With highwaymen, good-looking rogues but callous, + Who go on swimmingly till the last page, + And then take poison to escape the gallows-- + Tales, whose original refinement teaches + The pride of eloquence in--dying speeches! + + What an apotheosis have we here! + What equal laws th' awards of fame dispose! + Capture a fort--assassinate a peer-- + Alike be chronicled in startling prose-- + Alike be dramatised--(how near + Is clever crime to virtue!)--at Tussaud's + Be grouped with all the criminals at large, + From burglar Sheppard unto fiend Laffarge! + + The women are best judges after all! + And Sheridan was right, and Plagi-ary; + To their decision all things mundane fall, + From court to counting-house; from square to dairy; + From caps to chemistry; from tract to shawl, + And then these female verdicts never vary! + In fact, on lap-dogs, lovers, buhl, and boddices, + There are no critics like these mortal goddesses! + + To please such readers, authors make it answer + To trace a pedigree to the creation + Of some old Saxon peer; a monstrous grandsire, + Whose battles tell, in print, to admiration-- + But I, unfortunate, have never once a + Mysterious hint of any great relation; + I know whether Shem or Japhet--right sir-- + Was my progenitor--nor care a kreutzer. + + For, though there's matter for regret in losing + An opportune occasion to record + The feats in gambling, duelling, seducing-- + Conventional acquirements of a lord-- + Still I have stories startling and amusing, + Which I can tell and vouch, upon my word. + To anybody who desires to hear 'em-- + But don't be nervous, pray,--you needn't fear 'em. + + But what of my poor Hy-son all this while? + She saved the gardener by a timely kiss. + Few husbands are there proof against a smile, + And Te-pott's rage endured no more than this. + Ah, reader! gentle, moral, free from guile, + Think you she did so _very_ much amiss? + She was not love-sick for the fellow quite-- + She merely _thought_ of him--from morn till night! + + A state of mind how much by parents dreaded! + (By those outrageous parents, English mammas, + Who scarcely own their daughters till they're wedded)-- + How postulant of patent Chubbs and Bramahs! + And eyes--the safest locks when locks are needed!-- + And Abigails, and homilies, and grammars; + And other antidotes for "detrimentals"-- + _Id est_, fine gentlemen unblest with rentals. + + But this could not stop here; nor did it stop-- + For both were anxious for--an explanation. + And in the harem's grating was a gap, + Whence Hy-son peep'd in modest hesitation; + While on his spade the gardener would prop + Himself, and issue looks of adoration; + Until it happen'd, like a lucky rhyme, + Each for the other look'd at the same time. + + Then fell the gardener upon his knees, + And kiss'd his hand in manner most devout-- + So Hy-son couldn't find the heart to tease + The poor dear man by being in a pout;-- + Besides, she might go walk among the trees, + And not a word of scandal be made out. + She thought a--very--little more upon it, + Then smiled to Sou-chong,--and put on her bonnet. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH AND THE SWISS GIANTESS! + +SHERIFFS' COURT.--WEDNESDAY. + +BONBON _versus_ PUNCH. + + [This important cause came on for trial on Wednesday last. That it + has not been reported in the morning papers is doubtless to be + attributed to the most reckless bribery on the part of the + plaintiff. He has, no doubt, sought to hush up his infamy; the + defendant has no such contemptible cowardice. Hence a special + reporter was engaged for PUNCH. The trial is given here, firstly, + for the beautiful illustration it affords of the philosophy of the + English law of _crim. con._; and secondly on a principle--for + PUNCH has principles--laid down by the defendant in his course of + public life, to show himself to the world the man he really is. In + pursuit of this moral and philosophical object, should the + waywardness of his genius ever induce PUNCH to cut a throat, pick + a pocket, or, as a Middlesex magistrate (for PUNCH has been upon + the bench many a year), to offer for sale a tempting lot of + liberty to any competent captive,--should PUNCH rob as a vulgar + Old Bailey delinquent, or genteelly swindle as an Aldermanic + share-holder,--in each and every of these cases there will, _on + discovery_, be the fullest report of the same in PUNCH'S own + paper, PUNCH being deeply impressed with the belief that an + exhibition of the weaknesses of a great man is highly beneficial + to public philosophy and public morals. PUNCH now retires in + favour of his "own" reporter.] + +As early as six o'clock in the morning, the neighbourhood of the court +presented a most lively and bustling aspect. Carriages continued to arrive +from the west-end; and we recognised scores of ladies whose names are +familiar to the readers of the _Court Journal_ and _Morning Post_. Several +noblemen, amateurs of the subject, arrived on horseback. By eight o'clock +the four sides of Red Lion-square were, if we may be allowed the metaphor, +a mass of living heads. We owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Davis, the +respected and conscientious officer for the Sheriff of Middlesex; that +gentleman, in the kindest spirit of hospitality, allowing us six inches of +his door-step when the crowd was at its greatest pressure. Several inmates +of Mr. Davis's delightful mansion had a charming view of the scene from +the top windows, where we observed bars of the most picturesque and _moyen +age_ description. At ten minutes to nine, Mr. Charles Phillips, counsel +for the plaintiff, arrived in Lamb's Conduit-passage, and was loudly +cheered. On the appearance of Mr. Adolphus, counsel for the defendant, a +few miscreants in human shape essayed groans and hisses; they were, +however, speedily put down by the New Police. + +We entered the court at nine o'clock. The galleries were crowded with +rank, beauty, and fashion. Conflicting odours of lavender, musk, and _Eau +de Cologne_ emanated from ladies on the bench, most of whom were furnished +with opera-glasses, sandwich-boxes, and species of flasks, vulgarly known +as pocket-pistols. In all our experience we never recollect such a thrill +as that shot through the court, when the crier of the same called out-- + +BONBON _v_. PUNCH! + +Mr. SMITH (a young yet rising barrister with green spectacles) with +delicate primness opened the case. A considerable pause, when-- + +Mr. CHARLES PHILLIPS, having successfully struggled with his feelings, +rose to address the court for the plaintiff. The learned gentleman said it +had been his hard condition as a barrister to see a great deal of human +wickedness; but the case which, most reluctantly, he approached that day, +made him utterly despair of the heart of man. He felt ashamed of his two +legs, knowing that the defendant in this case was a biped. He had a horror +of the mysterious iniquities of human nature--seeing that the defendant +was a man, a housekeeper, and, what in this case trebled his infamy, a +husband and a father. Gracious Heaven! when he reflected--but no; he would +confine himself to a simple statement of facts. That simplicity would tell +with a double-knock on the hearts of a susceptible jury. The afflicted, +the agonised plaintiff was a public man. He was, until lately, the happy +possessor of a spotless wife and an inimitable spring-van. It was was a +union assented to by reason, smiled on by prudence. Mr. Bonbon was the +envied owner of a perambulating exhibition: he counted among his riches a +Spotted Boy, a New Zealand Cannibal, and a Madagascar Cow. The crowning +rose was, however, to be gathered, and he plucked, and (as he fondly +thought) made his own for ever, the Swiss Giantess! Mr. Bonbon had wealth +in his van--the lady had wealth in herself; hence it was, in every +respect, what the world would denominate an equal match. + +The learned counsel said he would call witnesses to prove the blissful +atmosphere in which the parties lived, until the defendant, like a +domestic upas-tree, tainted and polluted it. That van was another Eden, +until PUNCH, the serpent, entered. The lady was a native of +Switzerland--yes, of Switzerland. Oh, that he (the learned gentleman) +could follow her to her early home!--that he could paint her with the +first blush and dawn of innocence, tinting her virgin cheek as the morning +sun tinted the unsullied snows of her native Jungfrau!--that he could lead +the gentlemen of the jury to that Swiss cottage where the gentle Felicite +(such was the lady's name) lisped her early prayer--that he could show +them the mountains that had echoed with her songs (since made so very +popular by Madame Stockhausen)--that he could conjure up in that court the +goats whose lacteal fluid was wont to yield to the pressure of her virgin +fingers--the kids that gambolled and made holiday about her--the birds +that whistled in her path--the streams that flowed at her feet--the +avalanches, with their majestic thunder, that fell about her. Would he +could subpoena such witnesses! then would the jury feel, what his poor +words could never make them feel--the loss of his injured client. On one +hand would be seen the simple Swiss maiden--a violet among the rocks--a +mountain dove--an inland pearl--a rainbow of the glaciers--a creature pure +as her snows, but not as cold; and on the other the fallen wife--a +monument of shame! This was a commercial country; and the jury would learn +with additional horror that it was in the sweet confidence of a commercial +transaction that the defendant obtained access to his interesting victim. +Yes, gentlemen, (said Mr. P.,) it was under the base, the heartless, the +dastardly excuse of business, that the plaintiff poured his venom in the +ear of a too confiding woman. He had violated the sacred bonds of human +society--the noblest ties that hold the human heart--the sweetest tendrils +that twine about human affections. This should be shown to the jury. +Letters from the plaintiff would be read, in which his heart--or rather +that ace of spades he carried in his breast and called his heart--would be +laid bare in open court. But the gentlemen of the jury would teach a +terrible lesson that day. They would show that the socialist should not +guide his accursed bark into the tranquil seas of domestic comfort, and +anchor it upon the very hearthstone of conjugal felicity. No--as the +gentlemen of the jury were husbands and fathers, as they were fathers and +not husbands, as they were neither one nor the other, but hoped to be +both--they would that day hurl such a thunderbolt at the pocket of the +defendant--they would so thrice-gild the incurable ulcers of the +plaintiff, that all the household gods of the United Empire would hymn +them to their mighty rest, and Hymen himself keep continual carnival at +their amaranthine hearths. "Gentlemen of the jury (said the learned +counsel in conclusion), I leave you with a broken heart in your hands! A +broken heart, gentlemen! Creation's masterpiece, flawed cracked, SHIVERED +TO BITS! See how the blood flows from it--mark where its strings are cut +and cut--its delicate fibres violated--its primitive aroma evaporated to +all the winds of heaven. Make that heart your own, gentlemen, and say at +how many pounds you value the demoniac damage. And oh, may your verdict +still entitle you to the blissful confidence of that divine, purpureal +sex, the fairest floral specimens of which I see before me! May their +unfolding fragrance make sweet your daily bread; and when you die, from +the tears of conjugal love, may thyme and sweet marjoram spring and +blossom above your graves!" + +Here the emotion of the court was unparalleled in the memory of the oldest +attorney. Showers of tears fell from the gallery, so that there was a +sudden demand for umbrellas. + +The learned counsel sat down, and, having wiped his eyes, ate a sandwich. + +There were other letters, but we have selected the least glowing. Mr. +Charles Phillips then called his witnesses. + +Peter Snooks examined: Was employed by plaintiff; recollected defendant +coming to the van to propose a speculation, in which Madame Bonbon was to +play with him. Defendant came very often when plaintiff was out. Once +caught Madame Bonbon on defendant's knee. Once heard Madame Bonbon say, +"Bless your darling nose!" Was sure it was defendant's nose. Was shocked +at her levity, but consented to go for gin--Madame found the money. Had a +glass myself, and drank their healths. Plaintiff never beat his wife; he +couldn't: they were of very uneven habits; she was seven feet four, +plaintiff was four feet seven. + +Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Plaintiff was dreadfully afflicted at +infidelity of his wife: had become quite desperate--never sober since; was +never sober before. On first night of the news plaintiff was quite +delirious; took six plates of alamode beef, and two pots of porter. + +Sarah Pillowcase examined: Was chambermaid at the Tinder-box and Flint, +New Cut; had known defendant since she was a child--also knew plaintiff's +wife. They came together on the 1st of April, about twelve at night. +Understood they had been in a private box at the Victoria with an order. +They had twelve dozen of oysters for supper, and eight Welch-rabbits: the +lady found the money. Thought, of course, they were married, or would +rather have died than have served them. They made a hearty breakfast: the +lady found the money. + +Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Would swear to the lady, as she had once +paid a shilling to see her. + +(Here it was intimated by the learned judge that ladies might leave the +court if they chose; it was evident, however, that no lady heard such +intimation, as no lady stirred.) + +Cross-examination continued: Yes, would swear it. Knew the obligation of +an oath, and would swear it. + +This ended the case for the plaintiff. + +Mr. ADOLPHUS addressed the court for the defendant. He had not the golden +tongue--no, he was not blessed with the oratory of his learned friend. He +would therefore confine himself to the common sense view of the question. +He was not talking to Arcadian shepherds (he was very happy to see his own +butcher in the jury-box), but to men of business. If there had been any +arts practised, it was on the side of the plaintiff's wife. His client had +visited the plaintiff out of pure compassion. The plaintiff's show was a +failing concern; his client, with a benevolence which had marked his long +career, wished to give him the benefit of his own attractions, joined to +those of the woman. Well, the plaintiff knew the value of money, and +therefore left his wife and the defendant to arrange the affair between +them. "Gentlemen of the jury," continued the learned counsel, "it must +appear to you, that on the part of the plaintiff this is not an affair of +the heart, but a matter of the breeches' pocket. He leaves his wife--a +fascinating, versatile creature--with my client, I confess it, an +acknowledged man of gallantry. Well, the result is--what was to be +expected. My learned friend has dwelt, with his accustomed eloquence, on +his client's broken heart. I will not speak of his heart; but I must say +that the man who, bereaved of the partner of his bosom, can still eat six +plates of alamode beef, must have a most excellent stomach. Gentlemen, +beware of giving heavy damages in this case, or otherwise you will +unconsciously be the promoters of great immorality. This is no paradox, +gentlemen; for I am credibly informed that if the man succeed in getting +large damages, he will immediately take his wife home to his bosom and his +van, and instead of exhibiting her, as he has hitherto done, for one +penny, he will, on the strength of the notoriety of this trial, and as a +man knowing the curiosity of society, immediately advance that penny to +threepence. You will, therefore, consider your verdict, gentlemen, and +give such moderate damages as will entirely mend the plaintiff's broken +heart." + +The jury, without retiring from the box, returned a verdict of "Damages +One Farthing!" + + * * * * * + +We are credibly informed--though the evidence was not adduced in +court--that Monsieur Bonbon first suspected his dishonour from his wife's +hair papers. She had most negligently curled her tresses in the soft paper +epistles of her _innamorato_. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XXI. + +[Illustration: CUPID OUT OF PLACE. + +_From a Sketch made in "THE PALMERSTON GALLERY."_] + + * * * * * + + +THE FETES FOR THE POLISH--AND FATE OF THE BRITISH POOR. + +"Charity begins at home," says, or rather said, an admirable old proverb; +but alack! the adage, or the times, or both, are out of joint--the +wholesome maxim has lost its force--and homes for Charity must now be far +as the _Poles_ asunder, ere the benign influence of the weeping goddess +can fall upon its wretched supplicants. + +In private life the neglect of a domestic hearth for the vainglorious +squandering abroad of the means that could and ought to render that the +chief seat of comfort and independence, calls down upon the thoughtless +and heartless squanderer and abuser of his means the just indignation and +merited contempt of every thinking and properly constituted mind. The +"Charity" that does not begin at home is the worst species of +unjustifiable prodigality, and the first step to the absolute ruin of the +"nearest and dearest" for the sake of the profligate and abandoned. And no +sophistry can justify the apparent liberality that deprives others of +their just and urgent dues. + +It may be and is most noble to feed the widow and to clothe the orphan; +but where is the beneficence of the deed if the wife and children of the +ostentatious donor--the victims of the performance of such acts--are left +themselves to endure misery and privations, from which his inadequate +means cannot exempt the stranger and the giver's own household! + +The sparrow who unwittingly rears the cuckoo's spurious offspring, tending +with care the ultimate destroyer of its own young, does so in perfect +ignorance of the results about to follow the misplaced affection. The +cravings of the interloper are satisfied to the detriment of its own +offspring; and when the full-fledged recipient of its misplaced bounty no +longer needs its aid, the thankless stranger wings its way on its far-off +course, selfishly careless of the fostering bird that brought it into +life; and this may be looked upon as one of the results generally +attendant upon a blind forgetfulness of _where_ our first endeavours for +the amelioration of the wants of others should be made. + +It has ever been the crying sin of the vastly sympathetic to weep for the +miseries of the distant, and blink at the wretchedness their eyes--if not +their hearts--must ache to see. Their charity must have its proper stage, +their sentiments the proper objects,--and their imaginations the +undisturbed right to revel in the supposititious grievances of the far-off +wretched and oppressed. The poor black man! the tortured slave! the +benighted infidel! the debased image of his maker! the sunken bondsman! +These terms must be the "Open sesame" for the breasts from whence spring +bibles, bribes, blankets, glass beads, pocket-combs, tracts, teachers, +missions, and missionaries. Oppression is what they would put down; but +then the oppression must be of "foreign manufacture." Your English, +genuine home-made article, though as superior in strength and endurance as +our own canvas is to the finest fold of gauze-like cambric, is in their +opinion a thing not worth a thought. A half oppressed Caffre is an object +of ten thousand times more sympathy than a wholly oppressed Englishman; a +half-starved Pole the more fitting recipient of the same proportion of +actual bounty to a wholly starving peasant of our own land of law and +liberty. + +Let one-tenth the disgusting details so nobly exposed in the _Times_ +newspaper, as to the frightful state of some of our legalised poor law +inquisitions, appear as extracts from the columns of a _foreign_ journal, +stating such treatment to exist amongst a foreign population, and mark the +result. Why, the town would teem with meetings and the papers with +speeches. Royal, noble, and honourable chairmen and vice chairmen would +launch out their just anathemas against the heartless despots whose realms +were disgraced by such atrocities. Think, think of the aged poor torn from +their kindred, caged in a prison, refused all aid within, debarred from +every hope without,--think of the flesh, the very flesh, rotting by slow +degrees, and then in putrid masses falling from their wretched bones: +think, we say, on this--then give what name you can, save murder, to their +quickly succeeding death. + +Fancy children--children that should be in their prime--so caged and fed +that the result is disease in its most loathsome form, and with all its +most appalling consequences! No hope! no flight! The yet untainted, as it +were, chained to the spot, with mute despair watching the slow infection, +and with breaking hearts awaiting the hour--the moment--when it _must_ +reach to them! + +We say, think of these things--not as if they were the doings in England, +and therefore legalised matters of course--but think of them as the arts +of some despot in a far-off colony, and oh, how all hearts would burn--all +tongues curse and call for vengeance on the abetors of such atrocities! + +The supporters of the rights of man would indeed pour forth their eloquent +denunciations against the oppressors of the absent. The poetry of passion +would be exhausted to depict the frightful state of the crimeless and +venerable victim of tyranny, bowing his grey hairs with sorrow to the +grave; while the wailing of the helpless innocents _different indeed in +colour_, but in heart and spirit like ourselves, being sprung from the one +great source, would echo throughout the land, and find responses in every +bosom not lost to the kindly feelings of good-will towards its fellows! +Had the would-be esteemed philanthropists but these "_foreign cues_ for +passion," they would indeed + + "Drown the stage with tears, + And cleave the general ear with horrid speech; + Make mad the guilty, and appal the free; + Confound the ignorant; and amaze, indeed, + The very faculties of eyes and ears." + +But, alas! there is no such motive; these most destitute of Destitution's +children are simply fellow-countrymen and fellow-Christians. Sons of the +same soil, and worshippers of the same God, they need no good works in the +way of proselyzation to save them from eternal perdition; consequently +they receive no help to keep them from temporal torture. + +To convince themselves that these remarks are neither unwarrantably +severe, nor in the slightest degree overcharged, let our readers not only +refer to the revolting doings chronicled in the _Times_, but let them find +the further illustration of this _foreign penchant_ in the recent doings +at the magnificently-attended ball given in behalf of the _Polish +Refugees_, and consequently commanding the support of the humane, +enlightened, and charitable English; and then let them cast their eyes +over the cold shoulder turned towards a proposition for the _same_ act of +charity being consummated for the relief of the poverty-stricken and +starving families of the destitute and deserving artisans now literally +starving under their very eyes, located no farther off than in the +wretched locality of Spitalfields! An opinion--and doubtless an honest +one--is given by the Lord Mayor, that any attempt to relieve _their +wants_, in the way found so efficacious for _the Polish Refugees_, would +be madness, inasmuch as it would, _as heretofore_, prove an absolute +failure. Reader, is there anything of the cuckoo and the sparrow in the +above assertion? Is it not true? And if it is so, is it not a more than +crying evil? Is it not a most vile blot upon our laws--a most beastly +libel upon our creed and our country? Is no relief ever to be given to the +immediate objects who should be the persons benefited by our bounty? Are +those who, in the prosperity proceeding from their unceasing and ill-paid +toil, added their quota to the succour of others, now that poverty has +fallen on them, to be left the sport of fortune and the slaves of +suffering? Do good, we say, in God's name, to all, if good can be done to +all. But do not rob the lamb of its natural due--its mother's +nourishment--to waste it on an alien. There is no spirit of illiberality +in these remarks; they are put forward to advocate the rights of our own +destitute countrymen--to claim for them a share of the lavish +commiseration bestowed on others--to call attention to the desolation of +_their_ hearths--the wreck of their comforts--the awful condition of their +starving and dependent families--and to give the really charitable an +opportunity of reserving some of their kindnesses for home consumption. +Let this be their _just_ object, and not one among the relieved would +withhold his mite from their suffering fellows in other climes. But in +Heaven's name, let the adage root itself once more in every Englishman's +"heart of hearts," and once more let "Charity begin at home!" + + * * * * * + + +THE FIRE AT THE ADELPHI THEATRE. + +Yates was nearly treating the enlightened British public with an antidote +to "the vast receptacle of 8,000 tons of water," by setting fire to the +saloon chimney. Great as the consternation of the audience was in the +front, it was far exceeded by the alarm of the actors behind the curtain, +for they are so sensible of the manager's daring genius, that they +concluded he had set fire to the house in order to convert "the space +usually devoted to _illusion_ into the area of reality." The great Mr. +Freeborn actually rushed out of the theatre without his rouge. Little Paul +drank off a glass of neat water. Mr. John Sanders was met at the end of +Maiden Lane, with his legs thrust into the sleeves of his coat, and the +rest of his body encased in the upper part of a property dragon; whilst +little round Wilkinson was vainly endeavouring to squeeze himself into a +wooden waterspout. Had he succeeded he might have applied for the reward +offered by the Royal Society for a method of + +[Illustration: SQUARING THE CIRCLE.] + + * * * * * + + +THE CRIMES OF EATING. + +[Illustration: S]Sir Robert Peel and her Majesty's Ministers have, we +learn, taken a hint in criminal jurisprudence from his Worship the Mayor +of Reading, and are now preparing a bill for Parliament, which they trust +will be the means of checking the alarming desire for food which has begun +to spread amongst the poorer classes of society. The crime of eating has +latterly been indulged in to such an immoderate extent by the operatives +of Yorkshire and the other manufacturing districts, that we do not wonder +at our sagacious Premier adopting strong measures to suppress the +unnatural and increasing appetites of the people. + +Taking up the sound judicial views of the great functionary above alluded +to, who committed Bernard Cavanagh, the fasting man, to prison for +smelling at a saveloy and a slice of ham, Sir Robert has laid down a +graduated--we mean a _sliding--scale_ of penalties for the crime of +eating, proportioning, with the most delicate skill, the exact amount of +the punishment to the enormity of the offence. By his profound wisdom he +has discovered that the great increase of crime in these countries is +entirely attributable to over-feeding the multitude. Like the worthy Mr. +Bumble, in "Oliver Twist," he protests "it is meat and not madness" that +ails the people. He can even trace the origin of every felony to the +particular kind of food in which the felon has indulged. He detects +incipient incendiarism in eggs and fried bacon--homicide in an Irish +stew--robbery and house-breaking in a basin of mutton-broth--and an +aggravated assault in a pork sausage. Upon this noble and statesmanlike +theory Sir Robert has based a bill which, when it becomes the law of the +land, will, we feel assured, tend effectually to keep the rebellious +stomachs of the people in a state of wholesome depletion. And as we now +punish those offenders who break the Queen's peace, we shall, in like +manner, then inflict the law upon the hungry scoundrels who dare to break +the Queen's Fast. + +We have been enabled, through a private source, to obtain the following +authentic copy of Sir Robert's scale of the offences under the intended +Act, with the penalty attached to each, viz.: + + For penny rolls or busters Imprisonment not exceeding a + week. + + For bread of any kind, with Imprisonment for a month. + cheese or butter + + For saveloys, German sausages, One month's imprisonment, with + and Black puddings hard labour. + + For a slice of ham, bacon, or Imprisonment for three months, + meat of any kind and exercise on the treadmill. + + For a hearty dinner on beef and Transportation for seven years. + pudding + + For do. with a pot of home-brewed Transportation for life. + ale. + +As these offences apply only to those who have no right to eat, the +wealthy and respectable portion of society need be under no apprehension +that they will be exposed to any inconvenience by the operation of the new +law. + + * * * * * + + +NOBODY CARES AND* + +WELLINGTON has justified his claim to the _sobriquet_ of 'the iron Duke' +by the manner in which he treated the deputation from Paisley. His Grace +excused himself from listening to the tale of misery which several +gentlemen had travelled 500 miles to narrate to him, on the plea that he +was not a Minister of the Crown. Yet we have a right to presume that the +Queen prorogued Parliament upon his Grace's recommendation, so if he be +not one of Peel's Cabinet what is he? We suppose + +[Illustration: * NOBODY NOSE.] + + * * * * * + + +HINTS HOW TO ENJOY AN OMNIBUS. + +1. On getting in, care neither for toes or knees of the passengers; but +drive your way up to the top, steadying yourself by the shoulders, chests, +or even faces of those seated. + +2. Seat yourself with a jerk, pushing against one neighbour, and thrusting +your elbow into the side of the other. You will thus get plenty of room. + +3. If possible, enter with a stick or umbrella, pointed at full length; so +that any sudden move of the "bus" may thrust it into some one's stomach. +It will make you feared. + +4. When seated, occupy, if possible, the room of two, and revenge the +treatment you have received on entering, by throwing every opposition in +the way of a new-comer, especially if it be a woman with a child in her +arms. It is a good plan to rest firmly on your umbrella, with your arms at +right angles. + +5. Open or shut windows as it suits you; men with colds, or women with +toothaches, have no business in omnibuses. If they don't like it, they can +get out; no one _forces_ them to ride. + +6. Young bucks may stare any decent woman out of countenance, put their +legs up along the seats, and if going out to dinner, wipe the mud off +their boots on the seats. They are only plush. + +7. If middle-aged gentlemen are musical or political, they can dislocate a +tune in something between a bark and a grumble, or endeavour to provoke an +argument by declaring very loudly that Lord R---- or the Duke "is a +thorough scoundrel," according to their opinion of public affairs. If +this don't take, they can keep up a perpetual squabble with the conductor, +which will show they think themselves of some importance. + +8. Ladies wishing to be agreeable can bring lap dogs, large paper parcels, +and children, to whom an omnibus is a ship, though you wish you were out +of their reach. + +9. Conductors should particularly aim to take up laundresses returning +with a large family washing, bakers and butchers in their working jackets, +and, if a wet day, should be particular not to pull up to the pathway. + +10. For want of space, the following brevities must suffice:--Never say +where you wish to stop until after you have passed the place, and then +pull them up with a sudden jerk. Keep your money in your +waistcoat-pocket, and button your under and upper coat completely, and +never attempt to get at it until the door is opened, and then let it be +nothing under a five-shilling piece. Never ask any one to speak to the +conductor for you, but hit or poke him with your umbrella or stick, or rap +his hand as it rests on the door. He puts it there on purpose. Always stop +the wrong omnibus, and ask if the Paddington goes to Walworth, and the +Kennington to Whitechapel: you are not obliged to read all the rigmarole +they paint on the outside. Finally, consider an omnibus as a carriage, a +bed, a public-house, a place of amusement, or a boxing-ring, where you may +ride, sleep, smoke, chaff, or quarrel, as it may suit you. + + * * * * * + + +PETER THE GREAT (FOOL?) + +The following colloquy occurred between a candidate for suicidal fame and +the City's Peter Laureate:-- + +"So, sir, you tried to hang yourself, did you?" + +"In course I did, or I should not have put my head in the noose." + +"You had no business to do so." + +"I did it for my pleasure, not for business." + +"I'll let you see, sir, you shan't do it either for fun or earnest." + +"Are you a Tory, Sir Peter?" + +"A Tory, sir! No, sir; I'm a magistrate." + +"Ah, that's why you interfere; you must be a low Rad, or you wouldn't +prevent a man from + +[Illustration: DOING WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS HONE."] + + * * * * * + + +THE WISE MAN OF THE EAST. + +SIR PETER LAURIE begs Punch to inform him, which of Arabia's Children is +alluded to in Moore's beautiful ballad, + + "Farewell to thee, Araby's daughter." + +He presumes it is Miss Elizabeth, commonly called _Bess-Arabia_. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VII. + + I love the night with its mantle dark, + That hangs like a cloak on the face of the sky; + Oh what to me is the song of the lark? + Give me the owl; and I'll tell you why. + It is that at night I can walk abroad, + Which I may not do in the garish day, + Without being met in the streets, and bored + By some cursed dun, that I cannot pay. + No! no! night let it ever be: + The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me! + + Then tempt me not with thy soft guitar, + And thy voice like the sound of a silver bell, + To take a stroll, where the cold ones are + Who in lanes, not of trees but of fetters[1], dwell. + But wait until night upsets its ink + On the earth, on the sea, and all over the sky, + And then I'll go to the wide world's brink + With the girl I love, without feeling shy. + Oh, then, may it night for ever be! + The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me! + + But you turn aside! Ah! did you know, + What by searching the office you'd plainly see, + That I'm hunted down, like a (Richard) Roe, + You'd not thus avert your eyes from me. + Oh never did giant look after Thumb + (When the latter was keeping out of the way) + With a more tremendous fee-fo-fum + Than I'm pursued by a dread _fi-fa_. + Too-whit! too-whit! is the owl's sad song! + A writ! a writ! a writ! when mid the throng, + Is ringing in my ears the whole day long. + Ah me! night let it be: + The owl! the stately owl! is the bird--yes, the bird for me! + + [1] Fetter-lane is clearly alluded to by the poet. It is believed + to be the bailiffs' quarter. + + * * * * * + + +POPISH RED-DRESS. + +The _Examiner_ states that there is no such fabric as scarlet cloth made +in Ireland. If this be true, the Lady of Babylon, who is said to reside in +that country, and to be addicted to scarlet clothing, must be in a very +destitute condition. + + * * * * * + + +A SPOON CASE. + +A well-dressed individual has lately been visiting the lodging-house +keepers of the metropolis. He engages lodgings--but being, as he says, +just arrived from a long journey, he begs to have dinner before he returns +to the Coach-Office for his luggage. This request being usually complied +with, the new lodger, while the table is being laid, watches his +opportunity and bolts with the silver spoons. Sir Peter Laurie says, that +since this practice of filching the spoons has commenced, he does not feel +himself safe in his own house. He only hopes the thief may be brought +before him, and he promises to give him his _dessert_, by committing him +without + +[Illustration: STANDING UPON CEREMONY.] + + * * * * * + + +A DAB FOR LAURIE. + +SIR PETER LAURIE, on a recent visit to Billingsgate for the purpose of +making what he calls a _pisciatery_ tour, was much astonished at the +vigorous performance of various of the real "live fish," some of which, as +he sagely remarked, appeared to be perfect "Dabs" at jumping, and no doubt +legitimate descendants from some particularly + +[Illustration: MERRY OLD SOLE.] + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORPS CORNER. + +If old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the +deficiency?--To a gin-palace, because there they _re-tail_ bad spirits. + +Mr. G., who has a very ugly wife, named Euphemia, was asked lately why his +spouse was the image of himself--and, to his great annoyance, discovered +that it was because she was his _Effie-G_[2]. + + [2] I could make better than the above myself. E.G.--In what way + should Her Majesty stand upon a Bill in Parliament so as to + quash it?--By putting her _V-toe_ (_veto_) on it.--PRINTER'S + DEVIL. + +I floored Ben-beau D'Israeli the other day with the following:--"Ben," +said I, "if I were going to buy a violin, what method should I take to get +it cheap?" Benjie looked rather more foolish than usual, and gave it up. +"Why, you ninny," I replied, "I should buy an ounce of castor-oil, and +then I would get a phial in (_violin_)." I think I had him there. + +Why is a female of the canine species suckling her whelps like a +philosophic principle?--Because she is a dogma (_dog-ma_). + +What part of a horse's foot is like an irate governor?--The pastern +(_pa-stern_). + +Why is the march of a funeral procession like a turnpike?--Because it is a +toll-gait (_toll-gate_). + +Who is the greatest literary _star_?--The _poet-aster_. + +Why is an Israelite named William Solomons similar to a great public +festival?--Because he is a Jubilee (_Jew-Billy_). + +Why are polished manners like a pea-jacket?--Because they are address (_a +dress_). + +Why are swallows like a leap head-over-heels?--Because they are a summer +set (_a somerset_). + + * * * * * + + +CUTTING IT RATHER SHORT. + +The unexpected adjournment of the Court of Queen's Bench, by Lord Denman, +on last Thursday, has filled the bar with consternation.--"What is to +become of our clients?" said Fitzroy Kelly.--"And of our fees?" added the +Solicitor General.--"I feel deeply for my clients," sighed Serjeant +Bompas.--"We all compassionate them, brother," observed Wilde.--In short, +one and all declare it was a most arbitrary and unprecedented curtailment +of their little _term_--and, to say the least of it, + +[Illustration: A MOST DISTRESSING BLOW.] + + * * * * * + + +NATIONAL DISTRESS. + +The Tee-totallers say that the majority of the people are victims to +Bacchus. In the present hard times they are more likely to be victims to + +[Illustration: JUG O' NOUGHT--(JUGGERNAUT.)] + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 12. + + Away! away! ye hopes which stray + Like jeering spectres from the tomb! + Ye cannot light the coming night, + And shall not mock its gathering gloom; + Though dark the cloud shall form my shroud-- + Though danger league with racking doubt-- + Away! away! _ye_ shall not stay + When all my joys are "up the spout!" + + I little knew when first ye threw + Your bright'ning beams on coming hours, + That time would see me turn from thee, + And fly your sweet delusive powers. + Now, nerved to woe, no more I'll know + How hope deferr'd makes mortal sick; + The gathering storm may whelm my form, + But I will suffer "like a brick!" + + * * * * * + + +LAURIE'S RAILLERY. + +When Sir Peter Laurie had taken his seat the other morning in that Temple +of Momus, the Guildhall Justice Room, he was thus addressed by Payne, the +clerk--"I see, Sir Peter, an advertisement in the _Times_, announcing the +sale of shares in the railroad from Paris to ROUEN; would you advise me to +invest a little loose cash in that speculation?" "Certainly not," replied +the Knight, "nor in any other railway,--depend upon it, they all lead to +the same terminus, RUIN." Payne, having exclaimed that this was the best +thing he had ever heard, was presented by our own Alderman with a +shilling, accompanied with a request that he would get his hair cropped to +the magisterial standard. + + * * * * * + + +A MEETING OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES. + +At the sale of the library of the late Theodore Hook, a curious copy of +"The Complete Jester" was knocked down to "our own" Colonel. Delighted +with his prize, he ran home, intending to lay in a fresh stock of _bons +mots_; but what was his amazement on finding that all the jokes contained +in the volume were those with which he has been in the habit of +entertaining the public these last forty years! Sibby declares that the +sight of so many old friends actually brought the tears into his eyes. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +LOVE EXTEMPORE. + +As the hero of a romantic play is obliged to possess all the cardinal +virtues and all the intellectual accomplishments, so the hero of a farce +is bound to be a fool. One of the greatest, and at the same time one of +the best fools it has been our pleasure to be introduced to for some time +is _Mr. Titus Livingstone_, in the new farce of "Love Extempore." + +_Mr. Titus Livingstone_ possesses an excellent heart, a good fortune, and +an uncommon stock of modesty. His intellects are, however, far from +brilliant; indeed, but for one trait in his character he would pass for an +idiot,--he has had the good sense never as yet to fall in love! In fact, +the farce is founded upon that identical incident of his life which +occasioned him to suppose that he had taken the tender passion extempore. + +Some sort of villany seems absolutely necessary to every species of play. +To continue the parallel we commenced with between tragedy and farce, we +observe that in the former he is usually such a person as _Spinola_, in +"Nina Sforza," whilst a farce-villain turns out to be in most instances an +intriguing widow, a lawyer, or a mischievous young lady. The rogue in +"Love Extempore" is _Mrs. Courtnay_, a widow, who, with the assistance of +_Sir Harry Nugent_, contrives a plot by which the hitherto insensible +_Livingstone_ shall fall a victim to love and her friend _Prudence +Oldstock_; with whose mother and sister the widow and her co-intriguant +are staying on a visit. + +The moment fatal to Livingstone's virgin heart and unrestrained liberty +arrives. He calls to pay a morning visit, and instantly the deep design is +put into execution. _Sir Harry_ begins by a most extravagant puff +preliminary of the talents, accomplishments, virtues, beauty, disposition, +endowments, and graces belonging to the enchanting _Prudence_. He and the +widow exhibit her drawings,--_Livingstone_ is in raptures, or pretends to +be (for he is not an ill-bred man). What a piercing expression flashes +from those studies of eyes (in chalk)! what an artistical grouping of +legs! what a Saracen's-head-upon-Snow-hill-like ferocity frowns from that +Indian chief! + +At this juncture the captivating artist is herself introduced. _Mr. +Livingstone's_ modesty strikes him into a heap of confusion. "He sighs and +looks, and looks and sighs again,"--he does not know "what to say, or how +to say it; so that the trembling bachelor may become a wise and good +lover." He stutters and hems in the utmost distress; to increase which, +all his tormentors turn up the stage, leaving him to entertain the lady +alone. The sketches naturally suggest a topic, and, plunging _in medias +res_ at once, he vehemently praises her legs! The lady is astonished, and +the mamma alarmed; but having explained that the allusion was to the +drawings, he is afterwards punished for the blunder by being threatened +with a song. Though at a loss to find out what he has done to deserve such +an infliction, he submits; for he is very sleepy, and sinks into a chair +in an attitude of supposed attention, but really in a posture best adapted +for a nap. When the song is ended the applause of course comes in; this +awakens _Livingstone_ in a fright; he starts, and throws down a harp in +his fall. + +After this _contretemps_, the villany of the widow and her ally takes a +different turn. In a love affair there are generally two parties; and +_Miss Prudence_ has got to be persuaded that _she_ is in love. This it is +not difficult to accomplish, she being no more overburdened with +penetration than the gentleman they are so kind as to say she is in love +with. So far all goes on well: for she is soon convinced that she is +enamoured to the last extremity. + +_Livingstone_ having a sort of glimmering that the danger so long averted +at length impends over him--that he is falling into the trap of love, with +every chance of the fall continuing down to the bottomless pit of +matrimony, determines to avert the catastrophe by flight. The pair of +villains, however, set up a cry of "Stop thief," and he is brought back. +_Sir Harry_ appeals to his feelings. Good gracious! is he so base, so +dishonourable, so heartless, to rob an innocent, unsuspecting, and +accomplished girl of her heart, and then wickedly desert her! Oh, no! In +short, having already persuaded the poor man that he is in love, _Sir +Harry_ convinces him that he would also be a deceiver; and _Livingstone_ +would have returned like a lamb to the slaughter but for a new incident. + +He has an uncle who is engaged in a law-suit with some of _Mrs. +Courtnay's_ family. To bring this litigation to an amicable end it has +been proposed that _Livingstone_ should marry the widow's sister. Here is +a discovery! So, the deep widow has been unwittingly plotting against her +own sister! Things must be altered; and so they are, in no time, for she +persuades the easy hero that _Nugent_ is in love with _Prudence_ himself; +but, finding she adores her new lover, has magnanimously given up his +claims in his favour. This has the desired effect, for _Livingstone_ will +have no such noble sacrifice made on his account. He seeks _Sir Harry_; +who, discovering the double design of the profound widow, talks as +immensely magnanimous as they do in classic dramas. In short, both play at +Romans till the end of the piece; the hero and heroine being at last fully +persuaded that they have each really fallen in "Love Extempore!" + +This idea of persuading two persons into the bonds of love--of having all +the courting done at second-hand, is admirably worked out. _Livingstone_ +is a well-drawn character; so well, so naturally painted, that he hardly +deserves to be the hero of a farce. Although exceedingly soft, he is a +well-bred fool--though somewhat fat (for the actor is Mr. David Rees); he +is not altogether inelegant. The gentleman who does the theatrical +metaphysics in the _Morning Herald_ has described him as a capital +specimen of "physical obesity and moral teunity,"[3]--which we quote to +save ourselves trouble, for the force of description can no further go. +_Prudence_ is also inimitable--a march-of-intellect young lady without +brains, who knows the names of the five large rivers in America, and how +many bones there are in the gills of a turbot. In Miss P. Horton's hands +her mechanical acquirements were done ample justice to. The cold unmeaning +love scene was rendered mainly by her acting + +[Illustration: A N-ICE SITUATION.] + + [3] _Sic_, actually, in the dramatic article of that paper, + Wednesday, 24th ult. + +In fine, the farce is altogether a leaven of the best material most +cleverly worked up. + + * * * * * + + +A PERFECT VACUUM PROVED. + +MR. HALSE, the gentleman who has during the last week been lecturing upon +Animal Magnetism, having stated that one of his patients, while under the +magnetic influence, could "see her own inside," the Marquis of +Londonderry, anxious to test the truth of the assertion, requested the +lecturer to operate upon him, and being thrown into the Mesmeric sleep, +looked into the inside of his own head, and declared he could see nothing +in it. + + * * * * * + + +A CON BY O'CONNER. + +Why ought the Children of a Thief to be burnt?--Because _their Pa steals_ +(they're pastiles). + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, December 4, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14939.txt or 14939.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14939/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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