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diff --git a/14938-8.txt b/14938-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b0ab28 --- /dev/null +++ b/14938-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2185 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 27, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 27, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14938] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 27, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +9.--OF THE SEQUEL TO THE HALL EXAMINATION. + + +[Illustration: W]Whilst Mr. Muff follows the beadle from the funking-room +to the Council Chamber, he scarcely knows whether he is walking upon his +head or his heels; if anything, he believes that he is adopting the former +mode of locomotion; nor does he recover a sense of his true position until +he finds himself seated at one end of a square table, the other three +sides whereof are occupied by the same number of gentlemen of grave and +austere bearing, with all the candles in the room apparently endeavouring +to imitate that species of eccentric dance which he has only seen the +gas-lamps attempt occasionally as he has returned home from his harmonic +society. The table before him is invitingly spread with pharmacopoeias, +books of prescriptions, trays of drugs, and half-dead plants; and upon +these subjects, for an hour and a half, he is compelled to answer +questions. + +We will not follow his examination: nobody was ever able to see the least +joke in it; and therefore it is unfitted for our columns. We can but state +that after having been puzzled, bullied, "caught," quibbled with, and +abused, for the above space of time, his good genius prevails, and he is +told he may retire. Oh! the pleasure with which he re-enters the +funking-room--that nice, long, pleasant room, with its cheerful fireplace +and good substantial book-cases, and valuable books, and excellent +old-fashioned furniture; and the capital tea which the worshipful company +allows him--never was meal so exquisitely relished. He has passed the +Hall! won't he have a flare-up to-night!--that's all. + +As soon as all the candidates have passed, their certificates are given +them, upon payment of various sovereigns, and they are let out. The first +great rush takes place to the "retail establishment" over the way, where +all their friends are assembled--Messrs. Jones, Rapp, Manhug, &c. A pot of +"Hospital Medoc" is consumed by each of the thirsty candidates, and off +they go, jumping Jim Crow down Union-street, and swaggering along the +pavement six abreast, as they sing several extempore variations of their +own upon a glee which details divers peculiarities in the economy of +certain small pigs, pleasantly enlivened by grunts and whistles, and the +occasional asseveration of the singers that their paternal parent was a +man of less than ordinary stature. This insensibly changes into "Willy +brewed a Peck of Malt," and finally settles down into "Nix my Dolly," +appropriately danced and chorussed, until a policeman, who has no music in +his soul, stops their harmony, but threatens to take them into charge if +they do not bring their promenade concert to a close. + +Arrived at their lodgings, the party throw off all restraint. The table is +soon covered with beer, spirits, screws, hot water, and pipes; and the +company take off their coats, unbutton their stocks, and proceed to +conviviality. Mr. Muff, who is in the chair, sings the first song, which +informs his friends that the glasses sparkle on the board and the wine is +ruby bright, in allusion to the pewter-pots and half-and half. Having +finished, Mr. Muff calls upon Mr. Jones, who sings a ballad, not +altogether perhaps of the same class you would hear at an evening party in +Belgrave-square, but still of infinite humour, which is applauded upon the +table to a degree that flirps all the beer out of the pots, with which Mr. +Rapp draws portraits and humorous conceits upon the table with his finger. +Mr. Manhug is then called upon, and sings + +THE STUDENT'S ALPHABET. + + Oh; A was an Artery, fill'd with injection; + And B was a Brick, never caught at dissection. + C were some Chemicals--lithium and borax; + And D was a Diaphragm, flooring the thorax. + + _Chorus (taken in short-hand with minute accuracy)._ + Fol de rol lol, + Tol de rol lay, + Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay. + + E was an Embryo in a glass case; + And F a Foramen, that pierced the skull's base. + G was a Grinder, who sharpen'd the fools; + And H means the Half-and-half drunk at the schools. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + I was some Iodine, made of sea-weed; + J was a Jolly Cock, not used to read. + K was some Kreosote, much over-rated; + And L were the Lies which about it were stated. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + M was a muscle--cold, flabby, and red; + And N was a Nerve, like a bit of white thread. + O was some Opium, a fool chose to take; + And P were the Pins used to keep him awake. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Q were the Quacks, who cure stammer and squint, + R was a Raw from a burn, wrapp'd in lint. + S was a Scalpel, to eat bread and cheese; + And T was a Tourniquet, vessels to squeeze. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + U was the Unciform bone of the wrist. + V was the Vein which a blunt lancet miss'd. + W was Wax, from a syringe that flow'd. + X, the Xaminers, who may be blow'd! + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Y stands for You all, with best wishes sincere; + And Z for the Zanies who never touch beer. + So we've got to the end, not forgetting a letter; + And those who don't like it may grind up a better. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + +This song is vociferously cheered, except by Mr. Rapp, who during its +execution has been engaged in making an elaborate piece of basket-work out +of wooden pipe-lights, which having arranged to his satisfaction, he sends +scudding at the chairman's head. The harmony proceeds, and with it the +desire to assist in it, until they all sing different airs at once; and +the lodger above, who has vainly endeavoured to get to sleep for the last +three hours, gives up the attempt as hopeless, when he hears Mr. Manhug +called upon for the sixth time to do the cat and dog, saw the bit of wood, +imitate Macready, sing his own version of "Lur-li-e-ty," and accompany it +with his elbows on the table. + +The first symptom of approaching cerebral excitement from the action of +liquid stimulants is perceived in Mr. Muff himself, who tries to cut some +cold meat with the snuffers. Mr. Simpson also, a new man, who is looking +very pale, rather overcome with the effects of his elementary screw in a +first essay to perpetrate a pipe, petitions for the window to be let down, +that the smoke, which you might divide with a knife, may escape more +readily. This proposition is unanimously negatived, until Mr. Jones, who +is tilting his chair back, produces the desired effect by overbalancing +himself in the middle of a comic medley, and causing a compound, +comminuted, and irreducible fracture of three panes of glass by tumbling +through them. Hereat, the harmony experiencing a temporary check, and all +the half-and half having disappeared, Mr. Muff finds there is no great +probability of getting any more, as the servant who attends upon the seven +different lodgers has long since retired to rest in the turn-down bedstead +of the back kitchen. An adjournment is therefore determined upon; and, +collecting their hats and coats as they best may, the whole party tumble +out into the streets at two o'clock in the morning. + +"Whiz-z-z-z-z-t!" shouts Mr. Manhug, as they emerge into the cool air, in +accents which only Wieland could excel; "there goes a cat!" Upon the +information a volley of hats follow the scared animal, none of which go +within ten yards of it, except Mr. Rapp's, who, taking a bold aim, flings +his own gossamer down the area, over the railings, as the cat jumps +between them on to the water-butt, which is always her first leap in a +hurried retreat. Whereupon Mr. Rapp goes and rings the house-bell, that +the domestics may return his property; but not receiving an answer, and +being assured of the absence of a policeman, he pulls the handle out as +far as it will come, breaks it off, and puts it in his pocket. After this +they run about the streets, indulging in the usual buoyant recreations +that innocent and happy minds so situated delight to follow, and are +eventually separated by their flight from the police, from the safe plan +they have adopted of all running different ways when pursued, to bother +the crushers. What this leads to we shall probably hear next week, when +they are once more _réunis_ in the dissecting-room to recount their +adventures. + + * * * * * + + +It is said that the Duke of Wellington declined the invitation to the Lord +Mayor's civic dinner in the following laconic speech:--"Pray remember the +9th November, 1830."--"Ah!" said Sir Peter Laurie, on hearing the Duke's +reply, "I remember it. They said that the people intended on that day to +set fire to Guildhall, and meant to roast the Mayor and Board of +Aldermen."--"On the old system, I suppose, of every man cooking his own +goose," observed Hobler drily. + + * * * * * + + +THE "PUFF PAPERS." + +[Illustration] + +INTRODUCTION. + + +I cannot recollect the precise day, but it was some time in the month of +November 1839, that I took one of my usual rambles without design or +destination. I detest a premeditated route--I always grow tired at the +first mile; but with a free course, either in town or country, I can +saunter about for hours, and feel no other fatigue but what a tumbler of +toddy and a pipe can remove. It was this disposition that made me +acquainted with the fraternity of the "Puffs." I would premise, gentle +reader, that as in my peregrinations I turn down any green lane or dark +alley that may excite my admiration or my curiosity--hurry through +glittering saloons or crowded streets--pause at the cottage door or shop +window, as it best suits my humour, so, in my intercourse with you, I +shall digress, speculate, compress, and dilate, as my fancy or my +convenience wills it. This is a blunt acknowledgment of my intentions; but +as travellers are never sociable till they have cast aside the formalities +of compliment, I wished to start with you at the first stage as an old +acquaintance. The course is not usual, and, therefore, I adopt it; and it +was by thus stepping out of a common street into a common hostel that I +became possessed of the _matériel_ of those papers, which I trust will +hereafter tend to cheat many into a momentary forgetfulness of some care. +I have no other ambition; there are philosophers enough to mystify or +enlighten the world without my "nose of Turk and Tartar's lips" being +thrust into the cauldron, whose + + --"Charms of powerful trouble, + Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble." + +I had buttoned myself snugly in my Petersham (may the tailor who invented +_that_ garment "sleep well" whenever he "wears the churchyard livery, +grass-green turned up with brown!") The snow--the beautiful snow--fell +pure and noiselessly on the dirty pavement. Ragged, blue-faced urchins +were scrambling the pearly particles together, and, with all the joyous +recklessness of healthier childhood, carrying on a war less fatal but more +glorious than many that have made countless widows and orphans, and, +_perhaps, one_ hero. Little round doll-like things, in lace and ribbons, +were thumping second-door windows with their tiny hands, and crowing with +ecstasy at the sight of the flaky shower. "Baked-tater" cans and +"roasted-apple" saucepan lids were sputtering and frizzing in impotent +rage as they waged puny war with the congealed element. Hackney +charioteers sat on their boxes warped and whitened; whilst those strange +amalgams of past and _never-to-come_ fashions--the clerks of +London--hurried about with the horrid consciousness of exposing their +costliest garments to the "pelting of the pitiless storm." Evening stole +on. A London twilight has nothing of the pale grey comfort that is +diffused by that gradual change from day to night which I have experienced +when seated by the hearth or the open window of a rural home. There it +seems like the very happiness of nature--a pause between the burning +passions of meridian day and the dark, sorrowing loneliness of night; but +in London on it comes, or rather down it comes, like the mystic medium in +a pantomime--it is a thing that you will not gaze on for long; and you +rush instinctively from daylight to candle-light. I stopped in front of an +old-fashioned public-house, and soon (being a connoisseur in these +matters) satisfied myself that if comfort were the desideratum, "The heart +that was humble might hope for it here." I shook the snow from my +"Petersham," and seeing the word "parlour" painted in white letters on a +black door, bent my steps towards it. I was on the point of opening the +door, when a slim young man, with a remarkable small quantity of hair, +stopped my onward coarse by gurgling rather than ejaculating--for the +sentence seemed a continuous word-- + +"Can't-go-in-there-Sir." + +"Why not?" said I." + +"Puffs-Sir." + +"Puffs!" + +"Yes-Sir,--Tues'y night--Puffs-meets-on-Tues'y," and then addressing a +young girl in the bar, delivered an order for "One-rum-one-bran'y-one +gin-no-whisky-all-'ot," which I afterwards found to signify one glass of +each of the liqueurs. + +I was about to remonstrate against the exclusiveness of the "Puffs," when +recollecting the proverbial obduracy of waiters, I contented myself with +buttoning my coat. My annoyance was not diminished by hearing the hearty +burst of merriment called forth by some jocular member of this _terra +incognita_, but rendered still more distressing by the appearance of the +landlord, who emerged from the room, his eyes streaming with those tears +that nature sheds over an expiring laugh. + +"You have a merry party _concealed_ there, Master Host," said I. + +"Ye-ye-s-Sir, very," replied he, and tittered again, as though he were +galvanizing his defunct merriment. + +"Quite exclusive?" + +"Quite, Sir, un-unless you are introduced--Oh dear!" and having mixed a +small tumbler of toddy, he disappeared into that inner region of smoke +from which I was separated by the black door endorsed "_Parlour_." + +I had determined to seek elsewhere for a more social party, when the +thumping of tables and gingle of glasses induced me to abide the issue. +After a momentary pause, a firm and not unmusical voice was heard, pealing +forth the words of a song which I had written when a boy, and had procured +insertion for in a country newspaper. At the conclusion the thumping was +repeated, and the waiter having given another of his _stenographical_ +orders, I could not resist desiring him to inform the vocal gentleman that +I craved a few words with him. + +"Yes-Sir--don't-think-'ll come--'cos he-'s-in-a-corner." + +"Perhaps you will try the experiment," said I. + +"Certainly-Sir-two-gins-please-ma'am." And having been supplied with the +required beverage, he also made his _exit in fumo_. + +In a few minutes a man of about fifty made his appearance; his face +indicated the absence of vulgarity, though a few purply tints delicately +hinted that he had assisted at many an orgie of the rosy offspring of +Jupiter and Semele. His dark vestments and white cravat induced me to set +him down as a "professional gentleman"--nor was I far wrong in my +conjecture. As I shall have, I trust, frequent occasion to speak of him, I +will for the sake of convenience, designate him Mr. Bonus. + +I briefly stated my reason for disturbing him--that as he had honoured my +muse by forming so intimate an acquaintance with her, I was anxious to +trespass on his politeness to introduce me into that room which had now +become a sort of "Blue-beard blue-chamber" to my thirsty curiosity. Having +handed him my card, he readily complied, and in another minute I was an +inhabitant of an elysium of sociality and tobacco-smoke. + +"Faugh!" cries Aunt Charlotte Amelia, whilst pretty little Cousin Emmeline +turns up her round hazel eyes and ejaculates, "Tobacco-smoke! horrid!" + +Ladies! you treat with scorn that which God hath given as a blessing! It +has never been your lot to thread the streets of mighty London, when the +first springs of her untiring commerce are set in motion. Long, dear aunt, +before thy venerable nose peeps from beneath the quilted coverlid to scent +an atmosphere made odorous by cosmetics--long, dear Emmeline, ere those +bright orbs that one day will fire the hearts of thousands are unclosed, +the artizan has blessed his sleeping children, and closed the door upon +his household gods. The murky fog, the drizzling shower, welcome him back +to toil. Labour runs before him, and with ready hand unlocks the doors of +dreary cellars or towering and chilly edifices; mind hath not yet +promulgated or received the noble doctrine that toil is dignity; and you, +yes, even you, dear, gentle hearts! would feel the artizan a slave, if +some clever limner showed you the toiling wretch sooted or japanned. Would +you then rob him of one means of happiness? No--not even of his pipe! +Ladies, you tread on carpets or on marble floors--I will tell you where my +foot has been. I have walked where the air was circumscribed--where man +was manacled by space, for no other crimes but those of poverty and +misfortune. I've seen the broken merchant seated round a hearth that had +not one endearment--they looked about for faces that were wont to smile +upon them, and they saw but mirrors of their own sad lineaments--some +laughed in mockery of their sorrows, as though they thought that mirth +would come for asking; others, grown brutal by being caged, made up in +noise what they lacked in peace. How comfortless they seemed! The only +solace that the eye could trace was the odious herb, tobacco! + +I have climbed the dark and narrow stairway that led to a modern Helicon; +there I have seen the gentle creature that loved nature for her +beauty--beauty that was to him apparent, although he sat hemmed in by bare +and tattered walls; yet there he had seen bright fountains sparkle and the +earth robe herself with life, and where the cunning spider spread her +filmy toils above his head, he has seen a world of light, a galaxy of +wonders. The din of wheels and the harsh discordant cries of busy life +have died within his ear, and the tiny voices of choral birds have hymned +him into peace; or the lettered eloquence of dread sages has become sound +again, and he has communed in the grove and temple, as they of older time +did in the eternal cities, with those whose names are immortal--and there +I have seen the humble pipe! the sole evidence of luxury or enjoyment; +when his daily task was suspended, it can never end, for he must weave and +weave the fibres of his brain into the clue that leads him to the means of +sustaining life. + +I have wandered through lanes and fields when the autumn was on and the +world golden, and my journey has ended at a yeoman's door. My welcome has +been a hand-grasp, that needed bones and muscles to bear it +unflinchingly--my fare the homeliest, but the sweetest; and when the meal +was ended, how has the night wore on and then away over a cup of brown +October--the last autumn's legacy--and, forgive me, Emmeline, a pipe of +tobacco! Glorious herb! that hath oft-times stayed the progress of sorrow +and contagion; a king once consigned thee to the devil, but many a humble, +honest heart hath hailed thee as a blessing from the Creator. + +I was introduced by my new acquaintance without much ceremony, and was +pleased to see that little was expected. "We meet here thrice a week," +said Bonus, "just to wile away an hour or two after the worry and fatigue +of business. Most of us have been acquainted with each other since +boyhood--and we have some curious characters amongst us; and should you +wish to enrol your name, you have only to prove your qualification for +this (holding up his pipe), and we shall be happy to recognise you as a +'Puff.'" + + * * * * * + + +THE STAR SYSTEM. + +SIR PETER LAURIE having observed a notice in one of the journals that the +superior planets, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, are now to be seen every +evening in the west, despatched a messenger to them with an invitation to +the late Polish Ball, sagely remarking that "three such stars must prove +an attraction." Upon Sir Peter mentioning the circumstance to Hobler, the +latter cunningly advised Alderman Figaro (in order to prevent accidents) +to solicit them to come by water, and accordingly Sir Peter's carriage was +in waiting for the fiery stranger at the + +[Illustration: TOWER STARES.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LIMERICK MARES. + +The borough of Limerick at present enjoys the singular advantage of having +two civic heads to the city. The new _mare_, Martin Honan, Esq., after +being duly elected, civilly requested the old _mare_, C. S. Vereker, Esq., +to turn out; to which he as civilly replied that he would see him blessed +first, and as he was himself the only genuine and original donkey, he was +resolved not to yield his place at the corporate manger to the new animal. +Thus matters remain at present--the old _Mare_ resolutely refusing to take +his head out of the halter until he is compelled to do so. + + * * * * * + + +MORE SKETCHES OF LONDON LIFE. + +_By the Author of the "Great Metropolis."_ + + +It is a remarkable fact that, in spite of the recent Act, there are no +less than three hundred sweeps who still continue to cry "sweep," in the +very teeth of the legislative measure alluded to. I have been in the habit +of meeting many of these sweeps at the house I use for my breakfast; and +in the course of conversation with them, I have generally found that they +know they are breaking the law in calling out "sweep," but they do not +raise the cry for the mere purpose of law-breaking. I am sure it would be +found on inquiry that it is only with the view of getting business that +they call out at all; and this shows the impolicy of making a law which is +not enforced; for they all know that it is very seldom acted upon. + +The same argument will apply to the punishment of death; and my friend +Jack Ketch, whom I meet at the Frog and Frying-pan, tells me that he has +hanged a great many who never expected it. If I were to be asked to make +all the laws for this country, I certainly should manage things in a very +different manner; and I am glad to say that I have legal authority on my +side, for the lad who opens the door at Mr. Adolphus's chambers--with whom +I am on terms of the closest intimacy--thinks as I do upon every great +question of legal and constitutional policy. But this is "neither here nor +there," as my publisher told me when I asked him for the profits of my +last book, and I shall therefore drop the subject. + +In speaking of eminent publishers, I must not forget to mention Mr. +Catnach, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for having been the first to +introduce me to the literary career I have since so successfully followed. +I believe I was the first who carried into effect Mr. Catnach's admirable +idea of having the last dying speeches all struck off on the night before +an execution, so as to get them into the hands of the public as early as +possible. It was, moreover, my own suggestion to stereotype one speech, to +be used on all occasions; and I also must claim the merit of having +recommended the fixing a man's head at the top of the document as "a +portrait of the murderer." Catnach and I have always been on the best of +terms, but he is naturally rather angry that I have not always published +with him, which he thinks--and many others tell me the same thing--I +always should have done. At all events, Catnach has not much right to +complain, for he has on two occasions wholly repainted his shop-shutters +from effusions of mine; and I know that he has greatly extended his toy +and marble business through the profits of a poetical version of the fate +of Fauntleroy, which was very popular in its day, and which I wrote for +him. + +I have never until lately had much to do with Pitts, of Seven Dials; but I +have found him an intelligent tradesman, and a very spirited publisher. He +undertook to get out in five days a new edition of the celebrated +pennyworth of poetry, known some time back, and still occasionally met +with, as the "Three Yards of Popular Songs," which were all selected by +me, and for which I chose every one of the vignettes that were prefixed to +them. I have had extensive dealings both with Pitts and Catnach; and in +comparing the two men, I should say one was the Napoleon of literature, +the other the Mrs. Fry. Catnach is all for dying speeches and executions, +while Pitts is peculiarly partial to poetry. Pitts, for instance, has +printed thousands of "My Pretty Jane," while Catnach had the execution of +Frost all in type for many months before his trial. It is true that Frost +never was hanged, but Blakesley was; and the public, to whom the document +was issued when the latter event occurred, had nothing to do but to bear +in mind the difference of the names, and the account would do as well for +one as for the other. Catnach has been blamed for this; but it will not be +expected that _I_ shall censure any one for the grossest literary +quackery. + + * * * * * + + +ACTIVE BENEVOLENCE. + +The success of the Polish Ball has induced some humane individuals to +propose that a similar festival should take place for the relief of the +distressed Spitalfields weavers. We like the notion of a charitable +quadrille--or a benevolent waltz; and it delights us to see a +philanthropic design _set on foot_, through the medium of a gallopade. A +dance which has for its object the putting of bread in the mouths of our +fellow-creatures, may be truly called + +[Illustration: A-BUN-DANCE.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S STOMACHOLOGY. + +LECTURE I. + + +[Illustration: D]Doctors Spurzheim and Gall have acquired immense renown +for their ingenious and plausible system of phrenology. These eminent +philosophers have by a novel and wonderful process divided that which is +indivisible, and parcelled out the human mind into several small lots, +which they call "_organs_," numbering and labelling them like the drawers +or bottles in a chemist's shop; so that, should any individual acquainted +with the science of phrenology chance to get into what is vulgarly termed +"a row," and being withal of a meek and lamb like disposition, which +prompts him rather to trust to his heels than to his fists, he has only to +excite his organ of _combativeness_ by scratching vigorously behind his +ear, and he will forthwith become bold as a lion, valiant as a +game-cock--in short, a very lad of _whacks_, ready to fight the devil if +he dared him. In like manner, a constant irritation of the organ of +_veneration_ on the top of his head will make him an accomplished +courtier, and imbue him with a profound respect for stars and coronets. +Now if it be possible--and that it is, no one will now attempt to deny--to +divide the brain into distinct faculties, why may not the stomach, which, +it has been admitted by the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, is a far +nobler organ than the brain,--why may it not also possess several +faculties? As we know that a particular part of the brain is appropriated +for the faculty of _time_, another for that of _wit_, and so on, is it not +reasonable to suppose that there is a certain portion of the stomach +appropriated to the faculty of _roast beef_, another for that of _devilled +kidney_ and so forth? + +It may be said that the stomach is a single organ, and therefore incapable +of performing more than one function. As well might it be asserted that it +was a steam-engine, with a single furnace consuming Whitehaven, Scotch, or +Newcastle coals indiscriminately. The fact is, the stomach is not a single +organ, but in reality a congeries of organs, each receiving its own proper +kind of aliment, and developing itself by outward bumps and prominences, +which indicate with amazing accuracy the existence of the particular +faculty to which it has been assigned. + +It is upon these facts that I have founded my system of Stomachology; and +contemplating what has been done, what is doing, and what is likely to be +done, in the analogous science of phrenology, I do not despair of seeing +the human body mapped out, and marked all over with faculties, feelings, +propensities, and powers, like a tattooed New Zealander. The study of +anatomy will then be entirely superseded, and the scientific world would +be guided, as the fashionable world is now, entirely by externals. + +The circumstances which led me to the discovery of this important +constitution of the stomach were partly accidental, and partly owing to my +own intuitive sagacity. I had long observed that Judy, "my soul's far +dearer part," entertained a decided partiality for a leg of pork and +pease-pudding--to which _I_ have a positive dislike. On extending my +observations, I found that different individuals were characterised by +different tastes in food, and that one man liked mint sauce with his roast +lamb, while others detested it. I discovered also that in most persons +there is a predominance of some particular organ over the surrounding +ones, in which case a corresponding external protuberance may be looked +for, which indicates the gastronomic character of the individual. This +rule, however, is not absolute, as the prominence of one faculty may be +modified by the influence of another; thus the faculty of _ham_ may be +modified by that of _roast veal_, or the desire to indulge in a sentiment +for an _omelette_ may be counteracted by a propensity for a _fricandeau_, +or by the regulating power of a _Strasbourg pie_. The activity of the +_omelette_ emotion is here not abated; the result to which it would lead, +is merely modified. + +It would be tedious to detail the successive steps of my inquiries, until +I had at last ascertained distinctly that the power of the eating +faculties is, _cæteris paribus_, in proportion to the size of those +compartments in the stomach by which they are manifested. I propose at a +future time to explain my system more fully, and shall conclude my present +lecture by giving a list of the organs into which I have classified the +stomach, according to my most careful observations. + + CLASS I.--SUSTAINING FACULTIES. + + 1.--Bread (_French rolls_). + 2.--Water (_doubtful_). + 3.--Beef (_including rump-steaks_). + 4.--Mutton (_legs thereof_). + 5.--Veal (_stuffed fillet of the same_). + 6.--Bacon (_including pork-chops and sausages_). + + CLASS II.--SENTIMENTS OR AFFECTIONS. + + 7.--Fowl. + 8.--Fish. + 9.--Game. + 10.--Soup. + 11.--Plum-pudding. + 12.--Pastry. + + CLASS III.--SUPERIOR SENTIMENTS. + + 13.--Sauces. + 14.--Fruit. + + CLASS IV.--INTELLECTUAL TASTES. + + 15.--Olives. + 16.--Caviare. + 17.--Turtle. + 18.--Curries. + 19.--Gruyère Cheese. + 20.--French Wines. + 21.--Italian Salads. + 22.-- ---- + +Of the last organ I have not been able to discover the function; it is +probably miscellaneous, and disposes of all that is not included in the +others. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +(_By the Reporter of the Court Journal._) + +Yesterday Paddy Green, Esq. gave a grand _déjeuner à la fourchette_ to a +distinguished party of friends, at his house in Vere-street. Amongst the +guests we noticed Charles Mears, J.M., Mister Jim Connell, Bill Paul, Deaf +Burke, Esq., Jerry Donovan, M.P.R., Herr Von Joel, &c. &c. Mister Jim +Connell and Jerry Donovan went the "_odd man_" who should stand glasses +round. The favourite game of _shove-halfpenny_ was kept up till a late +hour, when the party broke up highly delighted. + +A great party mustered on Friday last, in the New Cut, to hear Mr. +Briggles chant a new song, written on the occasion of the birth of the +young Prince. He was accompanied by his friend Mr. Handel Purcell Mozart +Muggins on the drum and mouth-organ, who afterwards went round with his +hat. + +On Friday the lady of Paddy Green paid a morning call to Clare Market, at +the celebrated tripe shop; she purchased two slices of canine comestibles +which she carried home on a skewer. + +Mrs. Paddy Green on Wednesday visited Mrs. Joel, to take tea. She indulged +in two crumpets and a dash of rum in the congou. It is confidently +reported that on Wednesday next Mrs. Joel will pay a visit to Mrs. G. at +her residence in Vere-street, to supper; after which Mr. Paddy Green will +leave for his _seat_ in Maiden-lane. + +Jeremiah Donovan, it is stated, is negotiating for the three-pair back +room in Surrey, late the residence of Charles Mears, J.M. + + * * * * * + + +FROM THE LONDON GAZETTE, Nov. 16th. + +PROMOTIONS.--POST OFFICE. + + 1st Body of + General Postmen--Timothy Sneak, to Broad-street bell and bag, + vice Jabez Broadfoot, who retires into the + chandlery line. + " Horatio Squint to Lincoln's-Inn bell and bag, + vice Timothy Sneak. + " Felix Armstrong to Bedford-square bell and bag, + vice Horatio Squint. + " Josiah Claypole (from the body of letter-sorters) + to Tottenham-Court-road bell and bag, vice + Felix Armstrong. N.B. This deserving young man + is indebted to his promotion for detecting a + brother letter-sorter appropriating the contents + of a penny letter to his own uses, at the + precise time that the said Josiah Claypole had + his eye on it, for reasons best known to himself. + The twopenny-postmen are highly incensed at + this unheard-of and unprecedented passing them + over; and great fears are entertained of their + resignation. + + * * * * * + + +FRENCH LIVING. + +"Pa," said an interesting little Polyglot, down in the West, with his +French Rudiments before him, "why should one egg be sufficient for a dozen +men's breakfasts?"--"Can't say, child."--"Because _un oeuf_--is as good as +a feast."--"Stop that boy's grub, mother, and save it at once; he's too +clever to live much longer." + + * * * * * + + +HINTS ON POPPING THE QUESTION. + + _To the bashful, the hesitating, and the ignorant, the following + hints may prove useful_. + +If you call on the "loved one," and observe that she blushes when you +approach, give her hand a gentle squeeze, and if she returns it, consider +it "all right"--get the parents out of the room, sit down on the sofa +beside the "must adorable of her sex"--talk of the joys of wedded life. If +she appears pleased, rise, seem excited, and at once ask her to say the +important, the life-or-death-deciding, the suicide-or-happiness-settling +question. If she pulls out her cambric, be assured you are accepted. Call +her "My darling Fanny!"--"My own dear creature!"--and a few such-like +names, and this completes the scene. Ask her to name the day, and fancy +yourself already in Heaven. + +A good plan is to call on the "object of your affections" in the +forenoon--propose a walk--mamma consents, in the hope you will declare +your intentions. Wander through the green fields--talk of "love in a +cottage,"--"requited attachment"--and "rural felicity." If a child happens +to pass, of course intimate your fondness for the dear little +creatures--this will be a splendid hit. If the coast is clear, down you +must fall on your knee, right or left (there is no rule as to this), and +swear never to rise until she agrees to take you "for better and for +worse." If, however, the grass is wet, and you have white ducks on, or if +your unmentionables are tightly made--of course you must pursue another +plan--say, vow you will blow your brains out, or swallow arsenic, or drown +yourself, if she won't say "yes." + +If you are at a ball, and your charmer is there, captivating all around +her, get her into a corner, and "pop the question." Some delay until after +supper, but "delays are dangerous"--Round-hand copy. + +A young lady's "tears," when accepting you, mean "I am too happy to +speak." The dumb show of staring into each other's faces, squeezing +fingers, and sighing, originated, we have reason to believe, with the +ancient Romans. It is much practised now-a-days--as saving breath, and +being more lover-like than talking. + +We could give many more valuable hints, but Punch has something better to +do than to teach ninnies the art of amorifying. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP. + +SIP THE SECOND. + + Now harems being very lonely places, + Hemm'd in with bolts and bars on every side, + The fifty-two who shared Te-pott's embraces + Were glad to see a stranger, though a bride-- + And so received her with their gentlest graces, + And questions--though the questions are implied, + For ladies, from Great Britain to the Tropics, + Are very orthodox in their choice of topics. + + They ask'd her, who was married? who was dead? + What were the newest things in silks and ivories? + And had Y--Y--, who had eloped with Z--, + Been yet forgiven? and _had_ she seen his liveries? + And weren't they something between grey and red? + And hadn't Z's papa refused to give her his? + So Hy-son told them everything she knew + And all was very well a day or two. + + But, when the Multifarious forsook + Bo-hea, Pe-koe, and Wiry-leaf'd Gun-pow-der, + To revel in the lip and sunny look + Of the young stranger; spite of all they'd vow'd her, + The ladies each with jealous anger shook, + And rail'd against the simple maid aloud--Ah! + This woman's pride is a fine thing to tell us of-- + But a small matter serves her to be jealous of. + + One said she was indecorously florid-- + One thought "she only squinted, nothing more--" + A third, convulsively pronounced her "horrid "-- + While Bo-hea, who was _low_ (at four-and-four), + Glanced from her fingers up at Hy-son's forehead, + Who, inkling such a tendency before, + Cared for no rival's nails--but paid--I own, + Particular attention to her own. + + Well, this was bad enough; but worse than this + Were the attentions of our ancient hero, + Whose frequent vow, and frequenter caress, + Unwelcome were for any one to hear, who + Had charms for better pleasure than a kiss + From feeble dotard ten degrees from zero. + So, as one does when circumstances harass one, + Hy-son began to draw up a comparison. + + "Was ever maiden so abused as I am? + Teazed into such a marriage--then to be + Dosed with my husband twenty times _per diem_, + With _repetetur haustus_ after tea! + And, if he should die, what can I get by him? + A jointure's nothing among fifty-three! + I'm meek enough--but this I can _not_ bear-- + I wish: I wish:--I wish a girl might swear!" + + In such a mood, she--(stop! I'll mend my pen; + For now all our preliminaries _are_ done, + And I am come unto the crisis, when + Her fate depends on a kind reader's pardon)-- + Wandering forth beyond the ladies' ken, + She thought she spied a male face in the garden-- + She hasten'd thither--she was not mistaken, + For sure enough, a man was there a-raking. + + A man complete he was who own'd the visage, + A man of thirty-three, or may-be longer-- + So young, she could not well distinguish his age-- + So old, she knew he had one day been younger. + Now thirty-three, although a very nice age, + Is not so nice as twenty, twenty-one, or + So; but of lovers when a lady's caught one, + She seldom stops to stipulate what sort o' one. + + Now, the first moment Hy-son saw the gardener-- + A gardener, by his tools and dress she knew-- + She felt her bosom round her heart in a-- + A--just as if her heart was breaking through; + And so she blush'd, and hoped that he would pardon her + Intruding on his grounds--"so nice they grew!-- + Such roses! what a pink!--and then that peony; + Might she die if she ever look'd to see any!" + + The gardener offer'd her a budding rose: + She took it with a smile, and colour'd high; + While, as she gave its fragrance to her nose, + He took the opportunity to sigh. + And Hy-son's cheek blush'd like the daylight's close! + She glanced around to see that none were nigh, + Then sigh'd again and thought, "Although a peasant, + His manners are refined, and really pleasant." + + They stood each looking in the other's eyes, + Till Hy-son dropp'd her gaze, and then--good lack + Love is a cunning chapman: smiles, and sighs. + And tears, the choicest treasures in his pack! + Still barters he such baubles for the prize, + Which all regret when lost, yet can't get back-- + The heart--a useful matter in a bosom-- + Though some folks won't believe it till they lose 'em. + + Love can say much, yet not a word be spoken. + Straight, as a wasp careering staid to sip + The dewy rose she held, the gardener's token, + He, seizing on her hand, with hasty grip, + The stem sway'd earthward with its blossom, broken. + The gardener raised her hand unto his lip, + And kiss'd it--when a rough voice, hoarse with halloas, + Cried, "Harkye' fellow! I'll permit no followers!" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 11 + + The lists were made--the trumpet's blast + Rang pealing through the air. + My 'squire made lace and rivet fast + And brought my tried _destrerre_. + I rode where sat fair Isidore + Inez Mathilde Borghese; + From spur to crest she scann'd me o'er, + Then said "He's not the cheese!" + + O, Mary mother! how burn'd my cheek! + I proudly rode away; + And vow'd "Woe's his I who dares to break + A lance with me to-day!" + I won the prize! (Revenge is sweet, + I thought me of a _ruse_;) + I laid it at her rival's feet, + And thus I cook'd her goose. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORP'S CORNER. + +What difference is there between a farrier and Dr. Locock?--Because the +one is a _horse-shoer_, and the other is _a-cow-shoer_. (accoucheur). + +Why is the Prince of Wales Duke of Cornwall?--Because he is a _minor_. + +"Bar that," as the Sheriff's Officer said to his first-floor window. + + * * * * * + + +KINGS AND CARPENTERS.--ROYAL AND VULGAR CONSPIRATORS. + +In a manuscript life of _Jemmy Twitcher_--the work will shortly appear +under the philosophical auspices of SIR LYTTON BULWER--we find a curious +circumstance, curiously paralleled by a recent political event. _Jemmy_ +had managed to pass himself off as a shrewd, cunning, but withal very +honest sort of fellow; he was, nevertheless, in heart and soul, a +housebreaker of the first order. One night, _Jemmy_ quitted his +respectable abode, and, furnished with dark lantern, pistol, crowbar, and +crape, joined half-a-dozen neophyte burglars--his pupils and his victims. +The hostelry chosen for attack was "The Spaniards." The host and his +servants were, however, on the alert; and, after a smart struggle in the +passage, the housebreakers were worsted; two or three of them being +killed, and the others--save and except the cautious _Jemmy_, who had only +directed the movement from without--being fast in the clutches of the +constables. _Jemmy_, flinging away his crape and his crowbar, ran home to +his house--he was then living somewhere in Petty France--went to bed, and +the next morning appeared as snug and as respectable as ever to his +neighbours. Vehement was his disgust at the knaves killed and caught in +the attack on "The Spaniards;" and though there were not wanting bold +speakers, who averred that _Twitcher_ was at the bottom of the burglary, +nevertheless, his grave look, and the character he had contrived to piece +together for honest dealing, secured him from conviction. + +_Jemmy Twitcher_ was what the world calls a warm fellow. He had gold in +his chest, silver tankards on his board, pictures on his walls; and more, +he had a fine family of promising _Twitchers_. One night, greatly to his +horror at the iniquity of man, miscreants surrounded his dwelling and +fired bullets at his children. The villains were apprehended; and the hair +of _Jemmy_--who had evidently forgotten all about the affair at "The +Spaniards"--stood on end, as the conspiracy of the villains was revealed, +as it was shown how, in anticipation of a wicked success, they had shared +among them, not only his gold and his tankards, but the money and plate of +all his honest neighbours. _Jemmy_, still forgetful of "The Spaniards" +cried aloud for justice and the gibbet! + +Have we not here the late revolution in Spain--the QUENISSET +conspiracy--and in the prime mover of the first, and the intended victim +of the second rascality, KING LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the JEMMY TWITCHER OF THE +FRENCH? + +The commission recently appointed in France for the examination of the +Communists and Equalised Operatives, taken in connexion with the recent +bloodshed under French royal authority, is another of the ten thousand +illustrations of the peculiar morality of crowned heads. Here is a sawyer, +a cabinet-maker, a cobbler, and such sort, all food for the guillotine for +attempting to do no more than has been most treacherously perpetrated by +the present King of the French and the ex-Queen of Spain. How is it that +LOUIS-PHILIPPE feels no touch of sympathy for that pusillanimous +scoundrel--_Just_? He is naturally his veritable double; but then _Just_ +is only a carpenter, LOUIS-PHILIPPE is King of the French! + +The reader has only to read Madrid for Paris--has only to consider the +sawyer Quenisset (the poor tool, trapped by _Just_), the murdered Don +Leon, or any other of the gallant foolish victims of the French monarchy +in the late atrocity in Spain, to see the moral identity of the scoundrel +carpenter and the rascal king. We quote from the report:-- + + _Quénisset_ (alias DON LEON) examined.--"_Just_ said to + me, pointing to the body of officers, 'You must fire _into the + midst of those_;' I then drew the pistol from under my shirt, + and discharged it with my left hand _in the direction I was + desired_." + +O'DONNELL, LEON, ORA, BORIA, FULGOSIO, drew their pistols at the order of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE and CHRISTINA, and merely fired in the direction they were +desired! + + "Where was this society (the Ouvriers Egalitaires) + held?"--"Generally at the house of Colombier, keeper of a + wine-shop, Rue Traversière." + + "What formed the subject of discourse in these meetings, when you + were there?"--"_Different crimes_. They talked of _overthrowing + the throne, assassinating the agents of the government--shedding + blood, in fact_!" + +For the Rue Traversière we have only to read the Rue de Courcelles--for +Colombier the wine seller, CHRISTINA ex-Queen of Spain. As for the subject +of discourse at her Majesty's hotel, events have bloodily proved that it +was the overthrow of a throne--the murder of the constituted authorities +of Spain--and, in the comprehensive meaning of Quénisset--"shedding blood, +in fact!" At the wine-shop meetings the French conspirator tells us that +there was "an old man, a locksmith," who would read revolutionary themes, +and "electrify the souls of the young men about him!" The locksmith of the +Rue de Courcelles was the crafty, sanguinary policy of the monarch of the +barricades. We now come to MADAME COLOMBIER, _alias_ QUEEN CHRISTINA.-- + + "Do you know whether your comrades had many cartridges?"--"I do + not know exactly what the quantity was, but I heard a man say, + and, Madame Colombier _also boasted to another woman, that they + had worked very hard, and for some time past, at making + cartridges_." + +Madame COLOMBIER, however, must cede in energy and boldness to the +reckless devilry of the Spanish ex-Queen; for the cartridges manufactured +by the wine-seller's wife were not to be discharged into the bed-room of +her own infant daughters! They were certain not to shed the blood of her +own children. Now the cartridges of the Rue de Courcelles were made for +any service. + +One more extract from the confessions of QUENISSET (_alias_ DON LEON):-- + + "At the corner of the Rue Traversière I saw Just, Auguste, and + several other young men, whom I had seen in the morning receiving + cartridges. Upon my asking whether the attack was to be made, + _Just answered, Yes_. He felt for his pistols; my comrade got his + ready under his blouse. I seized mine under my shirt. Just called + to me, '_There, there, it is there you are to fire.' I fired. I + thought that all the others would do the same; but they made me + swallow the hook, and then left me to my fate, the rascals!_" + +Poor DON LEON! So far the parallel is complete. The pistol was fired +against Spanish liberty; and the royal Just, finding the object missed, +sneaks off, and leaves his dupe for the executioner. There, however, the +similitude fails. LOUIS-PHILIPPE sleeps in safety--if, indeed, the ghosts +of his Spanish victims let him sleep at all; whilst for _Just_, the +carpenter, he is marked for the guillotine. Could Justice have her own, we +should see the King of the French at the bar of Spain; were the world +guided by abstract right, one fate would fall to the carpenter and the +King. History, however, will award his Majesty his just deserts. There is +a Newgate Calendar for Kings as well as for meaner culprits. + +There are, it is said, at the present moment in France fifty thousand +communists; foolish, vicious men; many of them, doubtless, worthy of the +galleys; and many, for whom the wholesome discipline of the mad-house +would be at once the best remedy and punishment. Fifty thousand men +organised in societies, the object of which is--what young France would +denominate--philosophical plunder; a relief from the canker-eating chains +of matrimony; a total destruction of all objects of art; and the common +enjoyment of stolen goods. It is against this unholy confederacy that the +moral force of LOUIS-PHILIPPE'S Government is opposed. It is to put down +and destroy these bands of social brigands that the King of the French +burns his midnight oil; and then, having extirpated the robber and the +anarchist from France, his Majesty--for the advancement of political and +social freedom--would kidnap the baby-Queen of Spain and her sister, to +hold them as trump cards in the bloody game of revolution. That +LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the _Just_ of Spain, can consign his fellow-conspirator, +the _Just_ of Paris, to the scaffold, is a grave proof that there is no +honour among a certain set of enterprising men, whom the crude phraseology +of the world has denominated thieves. + +It is to make the blood boil in our veins to read the account of the +execution of such men as LEON, ORA, and BORIA, the foolish martyrs to a +wicked cause. Never was a great social wrong dignified by higher courage. +Our admiration of the boldness with which these men have faced their fate +is mingled with the deepest regret that the prime conspirators are safe in +Paris; that one sits in derision of justice on fellow criminals--on men +whose crime may have some slight extenuation from ignorance, want, or +fancied cause of revenge; that the other, with the surpassing meekness of +Christianity, goes to mass in her carriage, distributes her alms to the +poor, and, with her soul dyed with the blood of the young, the chivalrous, +and the brave, makes mouths at Heaven in very mockery of prayer. + +We once were sufficiently credulous to believe in the honesty of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE; we sympathised with him as a bold, able, high-principled +man fighting the fight of good government against a faction of +smoke-headed fools and scoundrel desperadoes. He has out-lived our good +opinion--the good opinion of the world. He is, after all, a lump of +crowned vulgarity. Pity it is that men, the trusting and the brave, are +made the puppets, the martyrs, of such regality! + +As for Queen CHRISTINA, her path, if she have any touch of conscience, +must be dogged by the spectres of her dupes. She is the Madame LAFFARGE of +royalty; nay, worse--the incarnation of Mrs. BROWNRIGG. Indeed, what +JOHNSON applied to another less criminal person may be justly dealt upon +her:--"Sir, she is not a woman, she is a speaking cat!" + +Q. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XX. + +THE RECRUITING SERGEANT. + +"LIST, WAKLEY! LIST!--"--_New Shaksperian Readings_.] + + * * * * * + + +HIS TURN NOW. + + "They say the owl was a baker's daughter." + "Oh, how the wheel becomes it."--SHAKSPEARE. + + +That immense cigar, our mild Cavannah, has at length met with his deserts, +and left the sage savans of the fool's hotbed, London, the undisturbed +possession of the diligently-achieved fool's-caps their extreme absurdity, +egregious folly, and lout-like gullibility, have so splendidly qualified +them to support. + +This extraordinary and Heaven-gifted faster is at length laid by the +heels. The full blown imposition has exploded--the wretched cheat is +consigned to merited durance; while the trebly-_gammoned_ and unexampled +spoons who were his willing dupes are in full possession of the enviable +notoriety necessarily attendant upon their extreme amount of unmitigated +folly. + +This egregious liar and finger-post for thrice inoculated fools set out +upon a provincial "Starring and Starving Expedition," issuing bills, +announcing his wish to be open to public inspection, and delicately +hinting the absolute necessity of shelling-out the browns, as though he, +Bernard Cavanagh, did not eat, yet he had a brother "as did;" +consequently, ways and means for the establishment and continuance of a +small commissariat for the ungifted fraternal was delicately hinted at in +the various documents containing the pressing invitations to "yokel +population" to honour him with an inspection. + +Numerous were the visitors and small the contributions attendant upon the +circulation of these "documents in madness." Many men are rather notorious +in our great metropolis for "living upon nothing," that is, existing +without the aid of such hard food as starved the ass-eared Midas; out +these gentlemen of invisible ways and means have a very decent notion of +employing four out of the twenty four hours in supplying their internal +economy with such creature comforts as, in days of yore, disinherited +Esau, and procured a somewhat gastronomic celebrity for the far-famed +Heliogabalus. But a gentleman who could treat his stomach like a postponed +bill in the House of Commons--that is, adjourn it _sine die_, or take it +into consideration "this day seven years"--was really a likely person to +attract attention and excite curiosity: accordingly, Bernard Cavanagh was +questioned closely by some of his visitors; but he, like the speculation, +appeared to be "one not likely to answer." + +Apparent efforts at concealment invariably lead to doubt, and, doubt +engendering curiosity, is very like to undergo, especially from one of the +fair sex, a scrutiny of the most searching kind. Eve caused the fall of +Adam--a daughter of Eve has discovered and crushed this heretofore hidden +mystery. This peculiarly _empty_ individual was discovered by the good +lady--despite the disguise of a black patch upon his nose and an +immeasurable outspread of Bandana superficially covering that (as he +asserted) useless orifice, his mouth--sneaking into the far-off premises +of a miscellaneous vendor of ready-dressed eatables; and there Bernard the +faster--the anti-nourishment and terrestrial food-defying wonder--the +certificated of Heaven knows how many deacons, parsons, physicians, and +fools--demanded the very moderate allowance for his breakfast of a +twopenny loaf, a sausage, and a quarter of a pound of ham _cut fat_: +that's the beauty of it--cut fat! The astonished witness of this singular +purchase rushed at once to the hotel: Cavanagh might contain the edibles, +she could not: the affair was blown; an investigation very properly +adjudicated upon the case; and three months' discipline at the tread-mill +is now the reward of this arch-impostor's merits. So far so good; but in +the name of common sense let some experienced practitioner in the art of +"cutting for the simples" be furnished with a correct list of the awful +asses he has cozened at "hood-man blind;" and pray Heaven they may each +and severally be operated on with all convenient speed! + + * * * * * + + +"SLUMBER, MY DARLING." + +During the vacation, the Judges' bench in each of the Courts at +Westminster Hall has been furnished with luxurious air-cushions, and +heated with the warm-air apparatus. Baron Parke declares that the Bench is +now really a snug berth,--and, during one of Sergeant Bompas's long +speeches, a most desirable place for taking + +[Illustration: A SOUND NAP.] + + * * * * * + + +A FAMILIAR EPISTLE + +FROM + +JOHN STUMP, ESQ., POET LAUREATE TO THE BOROUGH OF GRUB-CUM-GUZZLE, + +TO + +SIMON NIBB, ESQ., COMMON-COUNCIL-MAN OF THE SAID BOROUGH, + +_Setting forth a notable Plan for the better management of_ + +RAILWAY DIRECTORS. + + +DEAR SIMON, + + If I were a Parliament man, + I'd make a long speech, and I'd bring in a plan, + And prevail on the House to support a new clause + In the very first chapter of Criminal Laws! + But, to guard against getting too nervous or low + (For my speech you're aware would be then a no-go), + I'd attack, ere I went, some two bottles of Sherry, + And chaunt all the way Row di-dow di-down-derry![1] + Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm), + I'd clear out my throat and pronounce a loud "Hem!" + (So th' appearance of summer's preceded by swallows,) + Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:-- + "Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws" + (Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause) + Is such as demands our most serious attention, + And strong reprobation, and quick intervention." + (This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion, + Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.) + "Though the traitor's obligingly eased of his head-- + Though a Wilde[2] to the dark-frowning gallows is led-- + Tho' the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent hence + Beyond the blue wave, at his country's expense!-- + Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me + The state of the law in this '_Land of the free_'"-- + (Speak these words in a manner most zealous and fervid)-- + That there's no law for those who most richly deserve it! + Yes, Sir, 'tis a fact not less true than astounding-- + A fact--to the wise with instruction abounding, + That those who the face of the country destroy, + And hurl o'er the best scenes of Nature alloy-- + Who Earth's brightest portions cut through at a dash-- + Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash"-- + (I don't dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle + Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)-- + "Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature's dissectors, + Meet with no just reward--these same Railway Directors!" + I've not mentioned the "Laughters," the "Bravos," the "Hears," + "Agitations," "Sensations," and "Deafening Cheers," + Which of course would attend a speech _so_ patriotic, + So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic! + In this style I'd proceed, 'till I'd proved to the House + That these railways, in fact, were a national _chouse_, + And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her, + Would be--_to hang daily a Railway Director!_ + _Of course_ the Hon. Members could ne'er have a thought + Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught; + But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation } + A project so teeming with consideration, } + As a model of justice, a boon to the nation! } + Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man, + The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan! + But my rushlight is drooping--so trusting diurnally, + To hear your opinion--believe me eternally + (Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump) + Your obedient, + devoted, + admiring, + JOHN STUMP. + + [1] The exact tune of this interesting song it has not been in + our power to discover--it is, however, undoubtedly a truly + national melody. + + [2] After due inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the + individual here mentioned is _not_ H.M.'s late + Solicitor-General, but one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose + history _vide_ Jack Sheppard. + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS; + +OR, YOUNG JOKER'S BEST COMPANION. + + "All the world's a joke, and all the men and women merely + jokers."--_Shakspeare_. From the text of Joseph Miller. + + +Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict attention +of the reading public to the following brief prospectus of their +forthcoming work "On Jokes for all subjects." Messrs. GAG and GAMMON +pledge themselves to produce an article at present unmatched for +application and originality, upon such terms as must secure them the +patronage and lasting gratitude of their many admirers. Messrs. GAG and +GAMMON propose dividing their highly-seasoned and +warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal facetiæ into the following +various heads, departments, or classes:-- + +General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to individuals' names, +expressive of peculiar colours. + +A very superior article on _Browns_--if required, bringing in said Browns +in Black and White. + +Embarrassed do., very humorous, with _Duns_; and a choice selection of +unique references to the copper coin of the realm. Worthy the attention of +young beginners, and very safe for small country towns, with one wit +possessed of a good horse-laugh for his own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.'s +jokes. + +Do. do. on _Greens_, very various: bring in _Sap_ superbly, and _Pea_ with +peculiar power; with a short cut to _Lettus (Lettuce)_, and Hanson's +Patent Safety,--a beautiful allusion to the "Cab-age." May be tried when +there is an attorney and young doctor, with a perfect certainty of +success. + +Do. do. do. On _Wiggins_; very pungent, suitable to the present political +position; offering a beautiful contrast of Wig-_ins_ and Wig-_outs_; +capable of great ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in +a half whisper in mixed society. + +Also some "Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces for all Joints." + +_Calves-head_.--Brings in fellow-feeling; family likeness; cannibalism; +"tête-à-tête"; while the brain sauce and tongue are never-failing. + +_Goose_.--Same as above, with allusions to the "sage;" two or three that +_stick in the gizzard_; and a beautiful work up with a "long liver." + +_Ducks_.--Very military: bring in _drill_; drumsticks; breastwork; and +pair of ducks for light clothing and summer wear. + +_Snipes_.--Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; "Toast be dear Woman." +Mercantile; run on banks. And infants; living on suction. + +_Herring_.--Capital for _bride_: _her-ring_; petticoats, flannel and +otherwise, _herring-boned_. Fat people; _bloaters_; &c. &c. &c. + +_Venison_.--Superior, for offering everybody some of your sauce. Sad +subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave eye (_gravy_). Wish +your friends might always give you such _a cut_. &c. &c. &c. + +_Port_.--Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; flies out of glass +because of the "bee's wing." Always happy to become a _porter_ on such +occasions; object to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a +bottle; comes from a good "cellar" and a good buyer, though no wish to be +a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful leading cues, and really +with two or three rehearsals the very best things ever done. + +_Sherry_.--"Do you sherry?" "Not just yet." "Rather unlucky, _white +whining_: like a bottle of port; but no objection to _share he_. Hope +never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done Brown." + +N.B.--After an election dinner, any of the above valued at a six weeks' +invitation from any voter under the influence of his third bottle; and +absolute reversion of the chair, when original chairman disappears under +table. + +_Champagne_.--Real pleasure (quite new--never thought of before)--must be +_Wright's_; nothing _left_ about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, +getting drunk with pheasant's eye. What gender's wine? _Why hen's_ +feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not quite compact. + +_Hock_.--Hic, hec, do. + +_Hugeous_.--Glass by all means (_very new_); never could decline it, &c. +&c. &c. + +_Dessert_.--Wish every one had it; join hands with _ladies' fingers_ and +bishops' thumbs: Prince Albert and Queen very choice "Windsor pairs;" +medlars; unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be +cracked; disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. &c. + +The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke manufactory +of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the powerful and prolific +steam-joke double-action press. They are all warranted of the very best +quality, and last date. + +Old jokes taken in exchange--of course allowing a liberal per-centage. + +Gentlemen's own materials made up in the most superior style, and at the +very shortest notice. + +Election squibs going off--a decided sacrifice of splendid talent. + +Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on hand. + +Laughs taught in six lessons. + +A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just completed. + +A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George Robins on the +1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by private contract. + +N.B.--Well worthy the attention of sporting and other punsters. + +Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled "How to Laugh, and what to +Laugh at." + +For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and +second-hand depôt for gentlemen's left-off facetiæ, Monmouth-street; and +at their West-end establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to +Mr. Catnach, Seven-dials. + + * * * * * + + +VERSES + +ON MISS CHAPLIN--AND + +THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL. + + Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad, + With lofty hexameters grapplin', + My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad, + For 'tis all about Ellena Chaplin! + + As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees + To inspire his romantical nap. Lin + Ne'er saw such a charming celestial Chinese + "Maid of Honour" as Ellena Chaplin. + + O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:-- + Thou hast an infallible trap lain-- + For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss; + As thou provest--with Ellena Chaplin. + + E'en the water wherein (in "Die Hexen am Rhein") + She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin- + Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch'd into wine, + When duck'd in by Ellena Chaplin. + + A fortunate blade will be he can persuade + This nymph to some church or some chap'l in,-- + And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid + Of the theatre--Ellena Chaplin! + + * * * * * + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready to turn a +penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of North American +Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the ensuing winter. In +pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at the Court of Chancery to +purchase the "530 suits, including 40 removed from the 'Equity Exchequer,' +which occupy the cause list for the present term." Upon the discovery of +his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on + +[Illustration: GOING TO BRIGHTEN.] + + * * * * * + + +NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS. + +ANNUALS. + + FORGET-ME-NOT Dedicated to the "Irish Pisantry." By + Mayor Dan O'Connell. + FRIENDSHIP'S OFFERING Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the _Times_. + THE BOOK OF BEAUTY Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz. + THE JUVENILE ANNUAL Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to + Prince Albert + +REPUBLICATIONS. + + ON NOSOLOGY By the Duke of Wellington and + Lord Brougham. + A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE By W. Gibson Craig, M.P. + COOPER'S DEAR-SLAYER By Lord Palmerston. + + * * * * * + + +DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS. + +Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by mysterious rumours +concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was said, had been discovered +at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed to enclose these costly gems being +solemnly opened, it was found to contain nothing but an antique pair of +false promises, set in copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; +and a bloodstone amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of +Wellington. The box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and +sealed with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being "_Requiscat in +Pace_." + + * * * * * + + +SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY. + +We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the Duke of +Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting to his Royal +Highness. + +The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John Key, Colonel +Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord Ashburton, and Sir E.L. +Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with his Royal Highness, who +received them in "full cry," and was graciously pleased to confer on our +Sir Peter extraordinary proofs of his royal condescension. The +distinguished party afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with +the nursery-maids. + +Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is not the +individual of that name who has been appointed monthly nurse in the +Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought to have entitled him +to a preference. + +The captain of the _Britannia_ states that he fell in with two large +whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. There is every reason to +believe they were coming up the Thames to offer their congratulations to +the future Prince of _Whales_. + + * * * * * + + +THE REWARD OF VIRTUE. + +We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the Freedom of +the Barber's Company, enclosed in a pewter shaving-box of the value of +fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a medallion of + +[Illustration: THE HARE A PARENT.] + + * * * * * + + +A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the customary honour +upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the birth of a male heir to +the throne, in consequence of the Prince being born on the day on which +the late Mayor went out and the present one came into office. Sir Peter +Laurie suggests that a petition be presented to the Queen, praying that +her Majesty may (in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward +dilemma) be pleased in future to + +[Illustration: MIND HER DATES.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +COURT AND CITY. + +The other evening, the public were put in possession, at Covent Garden +Theatre, of a new branch of art in play concoction, which may be called +"dramatic distillation." By this process the essence of two or more old +comedies is extracted; their characters and plots amalgamated; and the +whole "rectified" by the careful expunction of equivocal passages. +Finally, the _drame_ is offered to the public in _act_ive potions; five of +which are a dose. + +The forgotten plays put into the still on this occasion were "The +Discovery," by Mrs. Frances Sheridan, and "The Tender Husband," by Sir +Richard Steele. From one, that portion which relates to the "City," is +taken; the "Court" end of the piece belonging to the other. In fact, even +in their modern dress, they are two distinct dramas, only both are played +at once--a wholesome economy being thus exercised over time, actors, +scenery, and decorations: the only profusion required is in the article of +patience, of which the audience must be very liberal. + +The courtiers consist of _Lord Dangerfield_, who although, or--to speak in +a sense more strictly domestic--because, he has got a wife of his own, +falls in love with the young spouse of young _Lord Whiffle_; then there is +_Sir Paladin Scruple_, who, having owned to eighteen separate tender +declarations during fourteen years, dangles after _Mrs. Charmington_, an +enchanting widow, and _Louisa Dangerfield_, an insipid spinster, the +latter being in love with his son. + +The citizens consist of the _famille Bearbinder_, parents and daughter, +together with _Sir Hector Rumbush_ and a clownish son, who the former +insists shall marry the sentimental _Barbara Bearbinder_, but who, +accordingly, does no such thing. + +The dialogues of these two "sets" go on quite independent of each other, +action there is none, nor plot, nor, indeed, any progression of incident +whatever. _Lord Dangerfield_ tells you, in the first scene, he is trying +to seduce _Lady Whiffle_, and you know he won't get her. Directly you hear +that _Sir Paladin Scruple_ has declared in favour of _Miss Dangerfield_, +you are quite sure she will marry the son; in short, there is not the +glimmer of an incident throughout either department of the play which you +are not scrupulously prepared for--so that the least approach to +expectation is nipped in the bud. The whole fable is carefully developed +after all the characters have once made their introduction; hence, at +least three of the acts consist entirely of events you have been told are +going to happen, and of the fulfilment of intentions already expressed. + +One character our enumeration has omitted--that of _Mr. Winnington_, who +being a lawyer, stock and marriage broker, is the bosom friend and +confident of every character in the piece, and, consequently, is the only +person who has intercourse with the two sets of characters. This is a part +patched up to be the sticking plaster which holds the two plots +together---the flux that joins the _mettle_some _Captain Dangerfield_ (son +of the Lord) to the sentimental _citoyenne_ _Barbara Bearbinder_. In fact, +_Winnington_ is the author's go-between, by which he maketh the twain +comedies one--the Temple Bar of the play--for he joineth the "Court" with +the "City." + +So much for construction: now for detail. The legitimate object of comedy +is the truthful delineation of manners. In life, manners are displayed by +what people do, and by what they say. Comedy, therefore, ought to consist +of action and dialogue. ("Thank you," exclaims our reader, "for this +wonderful discovery!") Now we have seen that in "Court and City" there is +little action: hence it may be supposed that the brilliancy of the +dialogue it was that tempted the author to brush away the well-deserved +dust under which the "Discovery" and the "Tender Husband" have been +half-a-century imbedded. But this supposition would be entirely erroneous. +The courtiers and citizens themselves were but dull company: it was +chiefly the acting that kept the audience on the benches and out of their +beds. + +Without action or wit, what then renders the comedy endurable? It is this: +all the parts are individualities--they speak, each and every of them, +exactly such words, by which they give utterance to such thoughts, as are +characteristic of him or herself, each after his kind. In this respect the +"Court and City" presents as pure a delineation of manners as a play +without incident can do--a truer one, perhaps, than if it were studded +with brilliancies; for in private life neither the denizens of St. +James's, nor those of St. Botolph's, were ever celebrated for the +brilliancy of their wit. Nor are they at present; if we may judge from the +fact of Colonel Sibthorp being the representative of the one class, and +Sir Peter Laurie the oracle of the other. + +This nice adaptation of the dialogue to the various characters, therefore, +offers scope for good acting, and gets it. Mr. Farren, in _Sir Paladin +Scruple_, affords what tradition and social history assure us is a perfect +portraiture of an old gentleman of the last century;--more than that, of a +singular, peculiar old gentleman. And yet this excellent artist, in +portraying the peculiarities of the individual, still preserves the +general features of the class. The part itself is the most difficult in +nature to make tolerable on the stage, its leading characteristic being +wordiness. _Sir Paladin_, a gentleman (in the ultra strict sense of that +term) seventy years of age, is desirous of the character of _un homme de +bonnes fortunes_. Cold, precise, and pedantic, he tells the objects--not +of his flame--but of his declarations, that he is consumed with passion, +dying of despair, devoured with love--talking at the same time in +parenthetical apologies, nicely-balanced antitheses, and behaving himself +with the most frigid formality. His bow (that old-fashioned and elaborate +manual exercise called "making a leg") is in itself an epitome of the +manners and customs of the ancients. + +Madame Vestris and Mr. C. Matthews played _Lady_ and _Lord Whiffle_--two +also exceedingly difficult characters, but by these performers most +delicately handled. They are a very young, inexperienced (almost +childish), and quarrelsome couple. Frivolity so extreme as they were +required to represent demands the utmost nicety of colouring to rescue it +from silliness and inanity. But the actors kept their portraits well up to +a pleasing standard, and made them both quite _spirituels_ (more +French--that _Morning Post_ will be the ruin of us), as well as in a high +degree natural. + +All the rest of the players, being always and altogether actors, within +the most literal meaning of the word, were exactly the same in this comedy +as they are in any other. Mr. Diddear had in _Lord Dangerfield_ one of +those parts which is generally confided to gentlemen who deliver the +dialogue with one hand thrust into the bosom of the vest--the other +remaining at liberty, with which to saw the air, or to shake hands with a +friend. Mr. Harley played the part of Mr. Harley (called in the bills +_Humphrey Rumbush_) precisely in the same style as Mr. Harley ever did and +ever will, whatever dress he has worn or may wear. The rest of the people +we will not mention, not being anxious for a repetition of the unpleasant +fits of yawning which a too vivid recollection of their dulness might +re-produce. The only merit of "Court and City" being in the dialogue--the +only merit of that consisting of minute and subtle representations of +character, and these folks being utterly innocent of the smallest +perception of its meaning or intention--the draughts they drew upon the +patience of the audience were enormous, and but grudgingly met. But for +the acting of Farren and the managers, the whole thing would have been an +unendurable infliction. As it was, it afforded a capital illustration of + +[Illustration: ATTRACTION AND REPULSION.] + + * * * * * + +TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! + +The dramatic capabilities of "Ten Thousand a-Year," as manifested in the +vicissitudes that happen to the Yatton Borough (appropriately recorded by +Mr. Warren in _Blackwood's Magazine_), have been fairly put to the test by +a popular and _Peake_-ante play-wright. What a subject! With ten thousand +a-year a man may do anything. There is attraction in the very sound of the +words. It is well worth the penny one gives for a bill to con over those +rich, euphonious, delicious syllables--TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! Why, the magic +letters express the concentrated essence of human felicity--the _summum +bonum_ of mortal bliss! + +_Charles Aubrey_, of Yatton, in the county of York, Esquire, possesses ten +thousand a-year in landed property, a lovely sister in yellow satin, a +wife who can sing, and two charming children, who dance the mazourka as +well as they do it at Almack's, or at Mr. Baron Nathan's. As is generally +the case with gentlemen of large fortunes, he is the repository of all the +cardinal virtues, and of all the talents. Good husbands, good fathers, +good brothers, and idolised landlords, are plenty enough; but a man who, +like _Aubrey_, is all these put together, is indeed a scarce article; the +more so, as he is also a profound scholar, and an honest statesman. In +short, though pretty well versed in the paragons of virtue that belong to +the drama, we find this _Charles Aubrey_ to be the veriest angel that ever +wore black trousers and pumps. + +The most exalted virtue of the stage is, in the long run, seen in good +circumstances, and _vice versa_; for, in this country, one of the chief +elements of crime is poverty. Hence the picture is reversed; we behold a +striking contrast--a scene antithetical. We are shown into a miserable +garret, and introduced to a vulgar, illiterate, cockneyfied, dirty, +dandified linendraper's shopman, in the person of _Tittlebat Titmouse_. In +the midst of his distresses his attention is directed to a "Next of Kin" +advertisement. It relates to him and to the Yatton property; and if you be +the least conversant with stage effect, you know what is coming: though +the author thinks he is leaving you in a state of agonising suspense by +closing the act. + +The next scene is the robing-room of the York Court-house; and the +curtains at the back are afterwards drawn aside to disclose a large +cupboard, meant to represent an assize-court. On one shelf of it is seated +a supposititious Judge, surrounded by some half-dozen pseudo female +spectators; the bottom shelf being occupied by counsel, attorney, crier of +the court, and plaintiff. The special jury are severally called in to +occupy the right-hand shelf; and when the cupboard is quite full, all the +forms of returning a verdict are gone through. This is for the plaintiff! +Mr. Aubrey is ruined; and _Mr. Titmouse_ jumps about, at the imminent risk +of breaking the cupboard to pieces, having already knocked down a counsel +or two, and rolled over his own attorney. + +This idea of dramatising proceedings at _nisi prius_ only shows the state +of destitution into which the promoters of stage excitement have fallen. +The Baileys, Old and New, have, from constant use, lost their charms; the +police officers were completely worn out by Tom and Jerry, Oliver Twist, +&c.; so that now, all the courts left to be "done" for the drama are the +Exchequer and Ecclesiastical, Secondaries and Summonsing, Petty Sessions +and Prerogative. But what is to happen when these are exhausted? The +answer is obvious:--Mr. Yates will turn his attention to the Church! +Depend upon it, we shall soon have the potent Paul Bedford, or the grave +and reverend Mr. John Saunders, in solemn sables, _converting_ the stage +into a Baptist meeting, and repentant supernumeraries with the real water! + +Hoping to be forgiven for this, perhaps misplaced, levity, we proceed to +Act III., in which we find that, fortune having shuffled the cards, and +the judge and jury cut them, _Mr. Titmouse_ turns up possessor of Yatton +and ten thousand a-year; while _Aubrey_, quite at the bottom of the pack, +is in a state of destitution. To show the depth of distress into which he +has fallen, a happy expedient is hit upon: he is described as turning his +attention and attainments to literature; and that the unfathomable straits +he is put to may be fully understood, he is made a reviewer! Thus the +highest degree of sympathy is excited towards him; for everybody knows +that no person would willingly resort to criticism (literary or dramatic) +as a means of livelihood, if he could command a broom and a crossing to +earn a penny by, or while there exists a Mendicity Society to get soup +from. + +We have yet to mention one character; and considering that he is the +main-spring of the whole matter, we cannot put it off any longer. _Mr. +Gammon_ is a lawyer--that is quite enough; we need not say more. You all +know that stage solicitors are more outrageous villains than even their +originals. _Mr. Gammon_ is, of course, a "fine speciment of the specious," +as Mr. Hood's Mr. Higgings says. It is he who, finding out a flaw in +_Aubrey's_ title, angled per advertisement for the heir, and caught a +_Tittlebat--Titmouse_. It is he who has so disinterestedly made that +gentleman's fortune.--"Only just merely for the sake of the costs?" one +naturally asks. Oh no; there is a stronger reason (with which, however, +reason has nothing to do)--love! _Mr. Gammon_ became desperately enamoured +of _Miss Aubrey_; but she was silly enough to prefer the heir to a +peerage, _Mr. Delamere. Mr. Gammon_ never forgave her, and so ruins her +brother. + +Having brought the whole family to a state in which he supposes they will +refuse nothing, _Gammon_ visits _Miss Aubrey_, and, in the most handsome +manner, offers her--notwithstanding the disparity in their +circumstances--his hand, heart, and fortune. More than that, he promises +to restore the estate of Yatton to its late possessor. To his astonishment +the lady rejects him; and, he showing what the bills call the "cloven +foot," _Miss Aubrey_ orders him to be shown out. Meantime, _Mr. Tittlebat +Titmouse_, having been returned M.P. for Yatton, has made a great noise in +house, not by his oratorical powers, but by his proficient imitations of +cock-crowing and donkey-braying. + +This being Act IV., it is quite clear that _Gammon's_ villany and +_Tittlebat's_ prosperity cannot last much longer. Both are ended in an +original manner. True to the principle with which the Adelphi commenced +its season--that of putting stage villany into comedy--Mr. Gammon +concludes the _facetiæ_ with which his part abounds by a comic suicide! +All the details of this revolting operation are gone through amidst the +most ponderous levity; insomuch, that the audience had virtue enough to +hiss most lustily[3]. + + [3] While this page was passing through the press, we witnessed a + representation of "Ten Thousand a-Year" a second time, and + observed that the offensiveness of this scene was considerably + abated. Mr. Lyon deserves a word of praise for his acting in + that passage of the piece as it now stands. + +Thus the string of rascality by which the piece is held together being +cut, it naturally finishes by the reinstatement of Aubrey--together with a +view of Yatton in sunshine, a procession of charity children, mutual +embraces by all the characters, and a song by Mrs. Grattan. What becomes +of _Titmouse_ is not known, and did not seem to be much cared about. + +This piece is interesting, not because it is cleverly constructed (for it +is not), nor because _Mr. Titmouse_ dyes his hair green with a barber's +nostrum, nor on account of the cupboard court of _Nisi Prius_, nor of the +charity children, nor because Mr. Wieland, instead of playing the devil +himself, played _Mr. Snap_, one of his limbs--but because many of the +scenes are well-drawn pictures of life. The children's ball in the first +"epoch," for instance, was altogether excellently managed and _true_; and +though many of the characters are overcharged, yet we have seen people +like them in Chancery-lane, at Messrs. Swan and Edgar's, in country +houses, and elsewhere. The suicide incident is, however, a disgusting +drawback. + +The acting was also good, but too extravagantly so. Mr. Wright, as +_Titmouse_, thought perhaps that a Cockney dandy could not be caricatured, +and he consequently went desperate lengths, but threw in here and there a +touch of nature. Mr. Lyon was as energetic as ever in _Gammon_; Mrs. Yates +as lugubrious as is her wont in _Miss Aubrey_; Mrs. Grattan acted and +looked as if she were quite deserving of a man with ten thousand a year. +As to her singing, if her husband were in possession of twenty thousand +per annum, (would to the gods he were!) it could not have been more +charmingly tasteful. The pathetics of Wilkinson (as _Quirk_) in the +suicide scene, and just before the event, deserve the attention and +imitation of Macready. We hope the former comedian's next character will +be Ion, or, at least, Othello. He has now proved that smaller parts are +beneath his purely histrionic talents. + +Mr. Yates did not make a speech! This extraordinary omission set the house +in a buzz of conjectural wonderment till "The Maid of Honour" put a stop +to it. + +NOTE.--A critique on this piece would have appeared last week, if it had +pleased some of the people at the post-office (through which the MS. was +sent to the Editors) not to steal it. Perhaps they took it for something +valuable; and, perhaps, they were not mistaken. Thanks be to Mercury, we +have plenty of wit to spare, and can afford some of it to be stolen now +and then. Still we entreat Colonel Maberly (Editor of the "Post" in St. +Martin's-le-Grand) to supply his clerks with jokes enough to keep them +alive, that they may not be driven to steal other people's. The most +effectual way to preserve them in a state of jocular honesty would be for +him to present every person on the establishment with a copy of "Punch" +from week to week. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 27, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14938-8.txt or 14938-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14938/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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