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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14938-8.txt b/14938-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b0ab28 --- /dev/null +++ b/14938-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2185 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 27, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 27, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14938] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 27, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +9.--OF THE SEQUEL TO THE HALL EXAMINATION. + + +[Illustration: W]Whilst Mr. Muff follows the beadle from the funking-room +to the Council Chamber, he scarcely knows whether he is walking upon his +head or his heels; if anything, he believes that he is adopting the former +mode of locomotion; nor does he recover a sense of his true position until +he finds himself seated at one end of a square table, the other three +sides whereof are occupied by the same number of gentlemen of grave and +austere bearing, with all the candles in the room apparently endeavouring +to imitate that species of eccentric dance which he has only seen the +gas-lamps attempt occasionally as he has returned home from his harmonic +society. The table before him is invitingly spread with pharmacopoeias, +books of prescriptions, trays of drugs, and half-dead plants; and upon +these subjects, for an hour and a half, he is compelled to answer +questions. + +We will not follow his examination: nobody was ever able to see the least +joke in it; and therefore it is unfitted for our columns. We can but state +that after having been puzzled, bullied, "caught," quibbled with, and +abused, for the above space of time, his good genius prevails, and he is +told he may retire. Oh! the pleasure with which he re-enters the +funking-room--that nice, long, pleasant room, with its cheerful fireplace +and good substantial book-cases, and valuable books, and excellent +old-fashioned furniture; and the capital tea which the worshipful company +allows him--never was meal so exquisitely relished. He has passed the +Hall! won't he have a flare-up to-night!--that's all. + +As soon as all the candidates have passed, their certificates are given +them, upon payment of various sovereigns, and they are let out. The first +great rush takes place to the "retail establishment" over the way, where +all their friends are assembled--Messrs. Jones, Rapp, Manhug, &c. A pot of +"Hospital Medoc" is consumed by each of the thirsty candidates, and off +they go, jumping Jim Crow down Union-street, and swaggering along the +pavement six abreast, as they sing several extempore variations of their +own upon a glee which details divers peculiarities in the economy of +certain small pigs, pleasantly enlivened by grunts and whistles, and the +occasional asseveration of the singers that their paternal parent was a +man of less than ordinary stature. This insensibly changes into "Willy +brewed a Peck of Malt," and finally settles down into "Nix my Dolly," +appropriately danced and chorussed, until a policeman, who has no music in +his soul, stops their harmony, but threatens to take them into charge if +they do not bring their promenade concert to a close. + +Arrived at their lodgings, the party throw off all restraint. The table is +soon covered with beer, spirits, screws, hot water, and pipes; and the +company take off their coats, unbutton their stocks, and proceed to +conviviality. Mr. Muff, who is in the chair, sings the first song, which +informs his friends that the glasses sparkle on the board and the wine is +ruby bright, in allusion to the pewter-pots and half-and half. Having +finished, Mr. Muff calls upon Mr. Jones, who sings a ballad, not +altogether perhaps of the same class you would hear at an evening party in +Belgrave-square, but still of infinite humour, which is applauded upon the +table to a degree that flirps all the beer out of the pots, with which Mr. +Rapp draws portraits and humorous conceits upon the table with his finger. +Mr. Manhug is then called upon, and sings + +THE STUDENT'S ALPHABET. + + Oh; A was an Artery, fill'd with injection; + And B was a Brick, never caught at dissection. + C were some Chemicals--lithium and borax; + And D was a Diaphragm, flooring the thorax. + + _Chorus (taken in short-hand with minute accuracy)._ + Fol de rol lol, + Tol de rol lay, + Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay. + + E was an Embryo in a glass case; + And F a Foramen, that pierced the skull's base. + G was a Grinder, who sharpen'd the fools; + And H means the Half-and-half drunk at the schools. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + I was some Iodine, made of sea-weed; + J was a Jolly Cock, not used to read. + K was some Kreosote, much over-rated; + And L were the Lies which about it were stated. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + M was a muscle--cold, flabby, and red; + And N was a Nerve, like a bit of white thread. + O was some Opium, a fool chose to take; + And P were the Pins used to keep him awake. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Q were the Quacks, who cure stammer and squint, + R was a Raw from a burn, wrapp'd in lint. + S was a Scalpel, to eat bread and cheese; + And T was a Tourniquet, vessels to squeeze. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + U was the Unciform bone of the wrist. + V was the Vein which a blunt lancet miss'd. + W was Wax, from a syringe that flow'd. + X, the Xaminers, who may be blow'd! + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Y stands for You all, with best wishes sincere; + And Z for the Zanies who never touch beer. + So we've got to the end, not forgetting a letter; + And those who don't like it may grind up a better. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + +This song is vociferously cheered, except by Mr. Rapp, who during its +execution has been engaged in making an elaborate piece of basket-work out +of wooden pipe-lights, which having arranged to his satisfaction, he sends +scudding at the chairman's head. The harmony proceeds, and with it the +desire to assist in it, until they all sing different airs at once; and +the lodger above, who has vainly endeavoured to get to sleep for the last +three hours, gives up the attempt as hopeless, when he hears Mr. Manhug +called upon for the sixth time to do the cat and dog, saw the bit of wood, +imitate Macready, sing his own version of "Lur-li-e-ty," and accompany it +with his elbows on the table. + +The first symptom of approaching cerebral excitement from the action of +liquid stimulants is perceived in Mr. Muff himself, who tries to cut some +cold meat with the snuffers. Mr. Simpson also, a new man, who is looking +very pale, rather overcome with the effects of his elementary screw in a +first essay to perpetrate a pipe, petitions for the window to be let down, +that the smoke, which you might divide with a knife, may escape more +readily. This proposition is unanimously negatived, until Mr. Jones, who +is tilting his chair back, produces the desired effect by overbalancing +himself in the middle of a comic medley, and causing a compound, +comminuted, and irreducible fracture of three panes of glass by tumbling +through them. Hereat, the harmony experiencing a temporary check, and all +the half-and half having disappeared, Mr. Muff finds there is no great +probability of getting any more, as the servant who attends upon the seven +different lodgers has long since retired to rest in the turn-down bedstead +of the back kitchen. An adjournment is therefore determined upon; and, +collecting their hats and coats as they best may, the whole party tumble +out into the streets at two o'clock in the morning. + +"Whiz-z-z-z-z-t!" shouts Mr. Manhug, as they emerge into the cool air, in +accents which only Wieland could excel; "there goes a cat!" Upon the +information a volley of hats follow the scared animal, none of which go +within ten yards of it, except Mr. Rapp's, who, taking a bold aim, flings +his own gossamer down the area, over the railings, as the cat jumps +between them on to the water-butt, which is always her first leap in a +hurried retreat. Whereupon Mr. Rapp goes and rings the house-bell, that +the domestics may return his property; but not receiving an answer, and +being assured of the absence of a policeman, he pulls the handle out as +far as it will come, breaks it off, and puts it in his pocket. After this +they run about the streets, indulging in the usual buoyant recreations +that innocent and happy minds so situated delight to follow, and are +eventually separated by their flight from the police, from the safe plan +they have adopted of all running different ways when pursued, to bother +the crushers. What this leads to we shall probably hear next week, when +they are once more _réunis_ in the dissecting-room to recount their +adventures. + + * * * * * + + +It is said that the Duke of Wellington declined the invitation to the Lord +Mayor's civic dinner in the following laconic speech:--"Pray remember the +9th November, 1830."--"Ah!" said Sir Peter Laurie, on hearing the Duke's +reply, "I remember it. They said that the people intended on that day to +set fire to Guildhall, and meant to roast the Mayor and Board of +Aldermen."--"On the old system, I suppose, of every man cooking his own +goose," observed Hobler drily. + + * * * * * + + +THE "PUFF PAPERS." + +[Illustration] + +INTRODUCTION. + + +I cannot recollect the precise day, but it was some time in the month of +November 1839, that I took one of my usual rambles without design or +destination. I detest a premeditated route--I always grow tired at the +first mile; but with a free course, either in town or country, I can +saunter about for hours, and feel no other fatigue but what a tumbler of +toddy and a pipe can remove. It was this disposition that made me +acquainted with the fraternity of the "Puffs." I would premise, gentle +reader, that as in my peregrinations I turn down any green lane or dark +alley that may excite my admiration or my curiosity--hurry through +glittering saloons or crowded streets--pause at the cottage door or shop +window, as it best suits my humour, so, in my intercourse with you, I +shall digress, speculate, compress, and dilate, as my fancy or my +convenience wills it. This is a blunt acknowledgment of my intentions; but +as travellers are never sociable till they have cast aside the formalities +of compliment, I wished to start with you at the first stage as an old +acquaintance. The course is not usual, and, therefore, I adopt it; and it +was by thus stepping out of a common street into a common hostel that I +became possessed of the _matériel_ of those papers, which I trust will +hereafter tend to cheat many into a momentary forgetfulness of some care. +I have no other ambition; there are philosophers enough to mystify or +enlighten the world without my "nose of Turk and Tartar's lips" being +thrust into the cauldron, whose + + --"Charms of powerful trouble, + Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble." + +I had buttoned myself snugly in my Petersham (may the tailor who invented +_that_ garment "sleep well" whenever he "wears the churchyard livery, +grass-green turned up with brown!") The snow--the beautiful snow--fell +pure and noiselessly on the dirty pavement. Ragged, blue-faced urchins +were scrambling the pearly particles together, and, with all the joyous +recklessness of healthier childhood, carrying on a war less fatal but more +glorious than many that have made countless widows and orphans, and, +_perhaps, one_ hero. Little round doll-like things, in lace and ribbons, +were thumping second-door windows with their tiny hands, and crowing with +ecstasy at the sight of the flaky shower. "Baked-tater" cans and +"roasted-apple" saucepan lids were sputtering and frizzing in impotent +rage as they waged puny war with the congealed element. Hackney +charioteers sat on their boxes warped and whitened; whilst those strange +amalgams of past and _never-to-come_ fashions--the clerks of +London--hurried about with the horrid consciousness of exposing their +costliest garments to the "pelting of the pitiless storm." Evening stole +on. A London twilight has nothing of the pale grey comfort that is +diffused by that gradual change from day to night which I have experienced +when seated by the hearth or the open window of a rural home. There it +seems like the very happiness of nature--a pause between the burning +passions of meridian day and the dark, sorrowing loneliness of night; but +in London on it comes, or rather down it comes, like the mystic medium in +a pantomime--it is a thing that you will not gaze on for long; and you +rush instinctively from daylight to candle-light. I stopped in front of an +old-fashioned public-house, and soon (being a connoisseur in these +matters) satisfied myself that if comfort were the desideratum, "The heart +that was humble might hope for it here." I shook the snow from my +"Petersham," and seeing the word "parlour" painted in white letters on a +black door, bent my steps towards it. I was on the point of opening the +door, when a slim young man, with a remarkable small quantity of hair, +stopped my onward coarse by gurgling rather than ejaculating--for the +sentence seemed a continuous word-- + +"Can't-go-in-there-Sir." + +"Why not?" said I." + +"Puffs-Sir." + +"Puffs!" + +"Yes-Sir,--Tues'y night--Puffs-meets-on-Tues'y," and then addressing a +young girl in the bar, delivered an order for "One-rum-one-bran'y-one +gin-no-whisky-all-'ot," which I afterwards found to signify one glass of +each of the liqueurs. + +I was about to remonstrate against the exclusiveness of the "Puffs," when +recollecting the proverbial obduracy of waiters, I contented myself with +buttoning my coat. My annoyance was not diminished by hearing the hearty +burst of merriment called forth by some jocular member of this _terra +incognita_, but rendered still more distressing by the appearance of the +landlord, who emerged from the room, his eyes streaming with those tears +that nature sheds over an expiring laugh. + +"You have a merry party _concealed_ there, Master Host," said I. + +"Ye-ye-s-Sir, very," replied he, and tittered again, as though he were +galvanizing his defunct merriment. + +"Quite exclusive?" + +"Quite, Sir, un-unless you are introduced--Oh dear!" and having mixed a +small tumbler of toddy, he disappeared into that inner region of smoke +from which I was separated by the black door endorsed "_Parlour_." + +I had determined to seek elsewhere for a more social party, when the +thumping of tables and gingle of glasses induced me to abide the issue. +After a momentary pause, a firm and not unmusical voice was heard, pealing +forth the words of a song which I had written when a boy, and had procured +insertion for in a country newspaper. At the conclusion the thumping was +repeated, and the waiter having given another of his _stenographical_ +orders, I could not resist desiring him to inform the vocal gentleman that +I craved a few words with him. + +"Yes-Sir--don't-think-'ll come--'cos he-'s-in-a-corner." + +"Perhaps you will try the experiment," said I. + +"Certainly-Sir-two-gins-please-ma'am." And having been supplied with the +required beverage, he also made his _exit in fumo_. + +In a few minutes a man of about fifty made his appearance; his face +indicated the absence of vulgarity, though a few purply tints delicately +hinted that he had assisted at many an orgie of the rosy offspring of +Jupiter and Semele. His dark vestments and white cravat induced me to set +him down as a "professional gentleman"--nor was I far wrong in my +conjecture. As I shall have, I trust, frequent occasion to speak of him, I +will for the sake of convenience, designate him Mr. Bonus. + +I briefly stated my reason for disturbing him--that as he had honoured my +muse by forming so intimate an acquaintance with her, I was anxious to +trespass on his politeness to introduce me into that room which had now +become a sort of "Blue-beard blue-chamber" to my thirsty curiosity. Having +handed him my card, he readily complied, and in another minute I was an +inhabitant of an elysium of sociality and tobacco-smoke. + +"Faugh!" cries Aunt Charlotte Amelia, whilst pretty little Cousin Emmeline +turns up her round hazel eyes and ejaculates, "Tobacco-smoke! horrid!" + +Ladies! you treat with scorn that which God hath given as a blessing! It +has never been your lot to thread the streets of mighty London, when the +first springs of her untiring commerce are set in motion. Long, dear aunt, +before thy venerable nose peeps from beneath the quilted coverlid to scent +an atmosphere made odorous by cosmetics--long, dear Emmeline, ere those +bright orbs that one day will fire the hearts of thousands are unclosed, +the artizan has blessed his sleeping children, and closed the door upon +his household gods. The murky fog, the drizzling shower, welcome him back +to toil. Labour runs before him, and with ready hand unlocks the doors of +dreary cellars or towering and chilly edifices; mind hath not yet +promulgated or received the noble doctrine that toil is dignity; and you, +yes, even you, dear, gentle hearts! would feel the artizan a slave, if +some clever limner showed you the toiling wretch sooted or japanned. Would +you then rob him of one means of happiness? No--not even of his pipe! +Ladies, you tread on carpets or on marble floors--I will tell you where my +foot has been. I have walked where the air was circumscribed--where man +was manacled by space, for no other crimes but those of poverty and +misfortune. I've seen the broken merchant seated round a hearth that had +not one endearment--they looked about for faces that were wont to smile +upon them, and they saw but mirrors of their own sad lineaments--some +laughed in mockery of their sorrows, as though they thought that mirth +would come for asking; others, grown brutal by being caged, made up in +noise what they lacked in peace. How comfortless they seemed! The only +solace that the eye could trace was the odious herb, tobacco! + +I have climbed the dark and narrow stairway that led to a modern Helicon; +there I have seen the gentle creature that loved nature for her +beauty--beauty that was to him apparent, although he sat hemmed in by bare +and tattered walls; yet there he had seen bright fountains sparkle and the +earth robe herself with life, and where the cunning spider spread her +filmy toils above his head, he has seen a world of light, a galaxy of +wonders. The din of wheels and the harsh discordant cries of busy life +have died within his ear, and the tiny voices of choral birds have hymned +him into peace; or the lettered eloquence of dread sages has become sound +again, and he has communed in the grove and temple, as they of older time +did in the eternal cities, with those whose names are immortal--and there +I have seen the humble pipe! the sole evidence of luxury or enjoyment; +when his daily task was suspended, it can never end, for he must weave and +weave the fibres of his brain into the clue that leads him to the means of +sustaining life. + +I have wandered through lanes and fields when the autumn was on and the +world golden, and my journey has ended at a yeoman's door. My welcome has +been a hand-grasp, that needed bones and muscles to bear it +unflinchingly--my fare the homeliest, but the sweetest; and when the meal +was ended, how has the night wore on and then away over a cup of brown +October--the last autumn's legacy--and, forgive me, Emmeline, a pipe of +tobacco! Glorious herb! that hath oft-times stayed the progress of sorrow +and contagion; a king once consigned thee to the devil, but many a humble, +honest heart hath hailed thee as a blessing from the Creator. + +I was introduced by my new acquaintance without much ceremony, and was +pleased to see that little was expected. "We meet here thrice a week," +said Bonus, "just to wile away an hour or two after the worry and fatigue +of business. Most of us have been acquainted with each other since +boyhood--and we have some curious characters amongst us; and should you +wish to enrol your name, you have only to prove your qualification for +this (holding up his pipe), and we shall be happy to recognise you as a +'Puff.'" + + * * * * * + + +THE STAR SYSTEM. + +SIR PETER LAURIE having observed a notice in one of the journals that the +superior planets, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, are now to be seen every +evening in the west, despatched a messenger to them with an invitation to +the late Polish Ball, sagely remarking that "three such stars must prove +an attraction." Upon Sir Peter mentioning the circumstance to Hobler, the +latter cunningly advised Alderman Figaro (in order to prevent accidents) +to solicit them to come by water, and accordingly Sir Peter's carriage was +in waiting for the fiery stranger at the + +[Illustration: TOWER STARES.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LIMERICK MARES. + +The borough of Limerick at present enjoys the singular advantage of having +two civic heads to the city. The new _mare_, Martin Honan, Esq., after +being duly elected, civilly requested the old _mare_, C. S. Vereker, Esq., +to turn out; to which he as civilly replied that he would see him blessed +first, and as he was himself the only genuine and original donkey, he was +resolved not to yield his place at the corporate manger to the new animal. +Thus matters remain at present--the old _Mare_ resolutely refusing to take +his head out of the halter until he is compelled to do so. + + * * * * * + + +MORE SKETCHES OF LONDON LIFE. + +_By the Author of the "Great Metropolis."_ + + +It is a remarkable fact that, in spite of the recent Act, there are no +less than three hundred sweeps who still continue to cry "sweep," in the +very teeth of the legislative measure alluded to. I have been in the habit +of meeting many of these sweeps at the house I use for my breakfast; and +in the course of conversation with them, I have generally found that they +know they are breaking the law in calling out "sweep," but they do not +raise the cry for the mere purpose of law-breaking. I am sure it would be +found on inquiry that it is only with the view of getting business that +they call out at all; and this shows the impolicy of making a law which is +not enforced; for they all know that it is very seldom acted upon. + +The same argument will apply to the punishment of death; and my friend +Jack Ketch, whom I meet at the Frog and Frying-pan, tells me that he has +hanged a great many who never expected it. If I were to be asked to make +all the laws for this country, I certainly should manage things in a very +different manner; and I am glad to say that I have legal authority on my +side, for the lad who opens the door at Mr. Adolphus's chambers--with whom +I am on terms of the closest intimacy--thinks as I do upon every great +question of legal and constitutional policy. But this is "neither here nor +there," as my publisher told me when I asked him for the profits of my +last book, and I shall therefore drop the subject. + +In speaking of eminent publishers, I must not forget to mention Mr. +Catnach, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for having been the first to +introduce me to the literary career I have since so successfully followed. +I believe I was the first who carried into effect Mr. Catnach's admirable +idea of having the last dying speeches all struck off on the night before +an execution, so as to get them into the hands of the public as early as +possible. It was, moreover, my own suggestion to stereotype one speech, to +be used on all occasions; and I also must claim the merit of having +recommended the fixing a man's head at the top of the document as "a +portrait of the murderer." Catnach and I have always been on the best of +terms, but he is naturally rather angry that I have not always published +with him, which he thinks--and many others tell me the same thing--I +always should have done. At all events, Catnach has not much right to +complain, for he has on two occasions wholly repainted his shop-shutters +from effusions of mine; and I know that he has greatly extended his toy +and marble business through the profits of a poetical version of the fate +of Fauntleroy, which was very popular in its day, and which I wrote for +him. + +I have never until lately had much to do with Pitts, of Seven Dials; but I +have found him an intelligent tradesman, and a very spirited publisher. He +undertook to get out in five days a new edition of the celebrated +pennyworth of poetry, known some time back, and still occasionally met +with, as the "Three Yards of Popular Songs," which were all selected by +me, and for which I chose every one of the vignettes that were prefixed to +them. I have had extensive dealings both with Pitts and Catnach; and in +comparing the two men, I should say one was the Napoleon of literature, +the other the Mrs. Fry. Catnach is all for dying speeches and executions, +while Pitts is peculiarly partial to poetry. Pitts, for instance, has +printed thousands of "My Pretty Jane," while Catnach had the execution of +Frost all in type for many months before his trial. It is true that Frost +never was hanged, but Blakesley was; and the public, to whom the document +was issued when the latter event occurred, had nothing to do but to bear +in mind the difference of the names, and the account would do as well for +one as for the other. Catnach has been blamed for this; but it will not be +expected that _I_ shall censure any one for the grossest literary +quackery. + + * * * * * + + +ACTIVE BENEVOLENCE. + +The success of the Polish Ball has induced some humane individuals to +propose that a similar festival should take place for the relief of the +distressed Spitalfields weavers. We like the notion of a charitable +quadrille--or a benevolent waltz; and it delights us to see a +philanthropic design _set on foot_, through the medium of a gallopade. A +dance which has for its object the putting of bread in the mouths of our +fellow-creatures, may be truly called + +[Illustration: A-BUN-DANCE.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S STOMACHOLOGY. + +LECTURE I. + + +[Illustration: D]Doctors Spurzheim and Gall have acquired immense renown +for their ingenious and plausible system of phrenology. These eminent +philosophers have by a novel and wonderful process divided that which is +indivisible, and parcelled out the human mind into several small lots, +which they call "_organs_," numbering and labelling them like the drawers +or bottles in a chemist's shop; so that, should any individual acquainted +with the science of phrenology chance to get into what is vulgarly termed +"a row," and being withal of a meek and lamb like disposition, which +prompts him rather to trust to his heels than to his fists, he has only to +excite his organ of _combativeness_ by scratching vigorously behind his +ear, and he will forthwith become bold as a lion, valiant as a +game-cock--in short, a very lad of _whacks_, ready to fight the devil if +he dared him. In like manner, a constant irritation of the organ of +_veneration_ on the top of his head will make him an accomplished +courtier, and imbue him with a profound respect for stars and coronets. +Now if it be possible--and that it is, no one will now attempt to deny--to +divide the brain into distinct faculties, why may not the stomach, which, +it has been admitted by the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, is a far +nobler organ than the brain,--why may it not also possess several +faculties? As we know that a particular part of the brain is appropriated +for the faculty of _time_, another for that of _wit_, and so on, is it not +reasonable to suppose that there is a certain portion of the stomach +appropriated to the faculty of _roast beef_, another for that of _devilled +kidney_ and so forth? + +It may be said that the stomach is a single organ, and therefore incapable +of performing more than one function. As well might it be asserted that it +was a steam-engine, with a single furnace consuming Whitehaven, Scotch, or +Newcastle coals indiscriminately. The fact is, the stomach is not a single +organ, but in reality a congeries of organs, each receiving its own proper +kind of aliment, and developing itself by outward bumps and prominences, +which indicate with amazing accuracy the existence of the particular +faculty to which it has been assigned. + +It is upon these facts that I have founded my system of Stomachology; and +contemplating what has been done, what is doing, and what is likely to be +done, in the analogous science of phrenology, I do not despair of seeing +the human body mapped out, and marked all over with faculties, feelings, +propensities, and powers, like a tattooed New Zealander. The study of +anatomy will then be entirely superseded, and the scientific world would +be guided, as the fashionable world is now, entirely by externals. + +The circumstances which led me to the discovery of this important +constitution of the stomach were partly accidental, and partly owing to my +own intuitive sagacity. I had long observed that Judy, "my soul's far +dearer part," entertained a decided partiality for a leg of pork and +pease-pudding--to which _I_ have a positive dislike. On extending my +observations, I found that different individuals were characterised by +different tastes in food, and that one man liked mint sauce with his roast +lamb, while others detested it. I discovered also that in most persons +there is a predominance of some particular organ over the surrounding +ones, in which case a corresponding external protuberance may be looked +for, which indicates the gastronomic character of the individual. This +rule, however, is not absolute, as the prominence of one faculty may be +modified by the influence of another; thus the faculty of _ham_ may be +modified by that of _roast veal_, or the desire to indulge in a sentiment +for an _omelette_ may be counteracted by a propensity for a _fricandeau_, +or by the regulating power of a _Strasbourg pie_. The activity of the +_omelette_ emotion is here not abated; the result to which it would lead, +is merely modified. + +It would be tedious to detail the successive steps of my inquiries, until +I had at last ascertained distinctly that the power of the eating +faculties is, _cæteris paribus_, in proportion to the size of those +compartments in the stomach by which they are manifested. I propose at a +future time to explain my system more fully, and shall conclude my present +lecture by giving a list of the organs into which I have classified the +stomach, according to my most careful observations. + + CLASS I.--SUSTAINING FACULTIES. + + 1.--Bread (_French rolls_). + 2.--Water (_doubtful_). + 3.--Beef (_including rump-steaks_). + 4.--Mutton (_legs thereof_). + 5.--Veal (_stuffed fillet of the same_). + 6.--Bacon (_including pork-chops and sausages_). + + CLASS II.--SENTIMENTS OR AFFECTIONS. + + 7.--Fowl. + 8.--Fish. + 9.--Game. + 10.--Soup. + 11.--Plum-pudding. + 12.--Pastry. + + CLASS III.--SUPERIOR SENTIMENTS. + + 13.--Sauces. + 14.--Fruit. + + CLASS IV.--INTELLECTUAL TASTES. + + 15.--Olives. + 16.--Caviare. + 17.--Turtle. + 18.--Curries. + 19.--Gruyère Cheese. + 20.--French Wines. + 21.--Italian Salads. + 22.-- ---- + +Of the last organ I have not been able to discover the function; it is +probably miscellaneous, and disposes of all that is not included in the +others. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +(_By the Reporter of the Court Journal._) + +Yesterday Paddy Green, Esq. gave a grand _déjeuner à la fourchette_ to a +distinguished party of friends, at his house in Vere-street. Amongst the +guests we noticed Charles Mears, J.M., Mister Jim Connell, Bill Paul, Deaf +Burke, Esq., Jerry Donovan, M.P.R., Herr Von Joel, &c. &c. Mister Jim +Connell and Jerry Donovan went the "_odd man_" who should stand glasses +round. The favourite game of _shove-halfpenny_ was kept up till a late +hour, when the party broke up highly delighted. + +A great party mustered on Friday last, in the New Cut, to hear Mr. +Briggles chant a new song, written on the occasion of the birth of the +young Prince. He was accompanied by his friend Mr. Handel Purcell Mozart +Muggins on the drum and mouth-organ, who afterwards went round with his +hat. + +On Friday the lady of Paddy Green paid a morning call to Clare Market, at +the celebrated tripe shop; she purchased two slices of canine comestibles +which she carried home on a skewer. + +Mrs. Paddy Green on Wednesday visited Mrs. Joel, to take tea. She indulged +in two crumpets and a dash of rum in the congou. It is confidently +reported that on Wednesday next Mrs. Joel will pay a visit to Mrs. G. at +her residence in Vere-street, to supper; after which Mr. Paddy Green will +leave for his _seat_ in Maiden-lane. + +Jeremiah Donovan, it is stated, is negotiating for the three-pair back +room in Surrey, late the residence of Charles Mears, J.M. + + * * * * * + + +FROM THE LONDON GAZETTE, Nov. 16th. + +PROMOTIONS.--POST OFFICE. + + 1st Body of + General Postmen--Timothy Sneak, to Broad-street bell and bag, + vice Jabez Broadfoot, who retires into the + chandlery line. + " Horatio Squint to Lincoln's-Inn bell and bag, + vice Timothy Sneak. + " Felix Armstrong to Bedford-square bell and bag, + vice Horatio Squint. + " Josiah Claypole (from the body of letter-sorters) + to Tottenham-Court-road bell and bag, vice + Felix Armstrong. N.B. This deserving young man + is indebted to his promotion for detecting a + brother letter-sorter appropriating the contents + of a penny letter to his own uses, at the + precise time that the said Josiah Claypole had + his eye on it, for reasons best known to himself. + The twopenny-postmen are highly incensed at + this unheard-of and unprecedented passing them + over; and great fears are entertained of their + resignation. + + * * * * * + + +FRENCH LIVING. + +"Pa," said an interesting little Polyglot, down in the West, with his +French Rudiments before him, "why should one egg be sufficient for a dozen +men's breakfasts?"--"Can't say, child."--"Because _un oeuf_--is as good as +a feast."--"Stop that boy's grub, mother, and save it at once; he's too +clever to live much longer." + + * * * * * + + +HINTS ON POPPING THE QUESTION. + + _To the bashful, the hesitating, and the ignorant, the following + hints may prove useful_. + +If you call on the "loved one," and observe that she blushes when you +approach, give her hand a gentle squeeze, and if she returns it, consider +it "all right"--get the parents out of the room, sit down on the sofa +beside the "must adorable of her sex"--talk of the joys of wedded life. If +she appears pleased, rise, seem excited, and at once ask her to say the +important, the life-or-death-deciding, the suicide-or-happiness-settling +question. If she pulls out her cambric, be assured you are accepted. Call +her "My darling Fanny!"--"My own dear creature!"--and a few such-like +names, and this completes the scene. Ask her to name the day, and fancy +yourself already in Heaven. + +A good plan is to call on the "object of your affections" in the +forenoon--propose a walk--mamma consents, in the hope you will declare +your intentions. Wander through the green fields--talk of "love in a +cottage,"--"requited attachment"--and "rural felicity." If a child happens +to pass, of course intimate your fondness for the dear little +creatures--this will be a splendid hit. If the coast is clear, down you +must fall on your knee, right or left (there is no rule as to this), and +swear never to rise until she agrees to take you "for better and for +worse." If, however, the grass is wet, and you have white ducks on, or if +your unmentionables are tightly made--of course you must pursue another +plan--say, vow you will blow your brains out, or swallow arsenic, or drown +yourself, if she won't say "yes." + +If you are at a ball, and your charmer is there, captivating all around +her, get her into a corner, and "pop the question." Some delay until after +supper, but "delays are dangerous"--Round-hand copy. + +A young lady's "tears," when accepting you, mean "I am too happy to +speak." The dumb show of staring into each other's faces, squeezing +fingers, and sighing, originated, we have reason to believe, with the +ancient Romans. It is much practised now-a-days--as saving breath, and +being more lover-like than talking. + +We could give many more valuable hints, but Punch has something better to +do than to teach ninnies the art of amorifying. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP. + +SIP THE SECOND. + + Now harems being very lonely places, + Hemm'd in with bolts and bars on every side, + The fifty-two who shared Te-pott's embraces + Were glad to see a stranger, though a bride-- + And so received her with their gentlest graces, + And questions--though the questions are implied, + For ladies, from Great Britain to the Tropics, + Are very orthodox in their choice of topics. + + They ask'd her, who was married? who was dead? + What were the newest things in silks and ivories? + And had Y--Y--, who had eloped with Z--, + Been yet forgiven? and _had_ she seen his liveries? + And weren't they something between grey and red? + And hadn't Z's papa refused to give her his? + So Hy-son told them everything she knew + And all was very well a day or two. + + But, when the Multifarious forsook + Bo-hea, Pe-koe, and Wiry-leaf'd Gun-pow-der, + To revel in the lip and sunny look + Of the young stranger; spite of all they'd vow'd her, + The ladies each with jealous anger shook, + And rail'd against the simple maid aloud--Ah! + This woman's pride is a fine thing to tell us of-- + But a small matter serves her to be jealous of. + + One said she was indecorously florid-- + One thought "she only squinted, nothing more--" + A third, convulsively pronounced her "horrid "-- + While Bo-hea, who was _low_ (at four-and-four), + Glanced from her fingers up at Hy-son's forehead, + Who, inkling such a tendency before, + Cared for no rival's nails--but paid--I own, + Particular attention to her own. + + Well, this was bad enough; but worse than this + Were the attentions of our ancient hero, + Whose frequent vow, and frequenter caress, + Unwelcome were for any one to hear, who + Had charms for better pleasure than a kiss + From feeble dotard ten degrees from zero. + So, as one does when circumstances harass one, + Hy-son began to draw up a comparison. + + "Was ever maiden so abused as I am? + Teazed into such a marriage--then to be + Dosed with my husband twenty times _per diem_, + With _repetetur haustus_ after tea! + And, if he should die, what can I get by him? + A jointure's nothing among fifty-three! + I'm meek enough--but this I can _not_ bear-- + I wish: I wish:--I wish a girl might swear!" + + In such a mood, she--(stop! I'll mend my pen; + For now all our preliminaries _are_ done, + And I am come unto the crisis, when + Her fate depends on a kind reader's pardon)-- + Wandering forth beyond the ladies' ken, + She thought she spied a male face in the garden-- + She hasten'd thither--she was not mistaken, + For sure enough, a man was there a-raking. + + A man complete he was who own'd the visage, + A man of thirty-three, or may-be longer-- + So young, she could not well distinguish his age-- + So old, she knew he had one day been younger. + Now thirty-three, although a very nice age, + Is not so nice as twenty, twenty-one, or + So; but of lovers when a lady's caught one, + She seldom stops to stipulate what sort o' one. + + Now, the first moment Hy-son saw the gardener-- + A gardener, by his tools and dress she knew-- + She felt her bosom round her heart in a-- + A--just as if her heart was breaking through; + And so she blush'd, and hoped that he would pardon her + Intruding on his grounds--"so nice they grew!-- + Such roses! what a pink!--and then that peony; + Might she die if she ever look'd to see any!" + + The gardener offer'd her a budding rose: + She took it with a smile, and colour'd high; + While, as she gave its fragrance to her nose, + He took the opportunity to sigh. + And Hy-son's cheek blush'd like the daylight's close! + She glanced around to see that none were nigh, + Then sigh'd again and thought, "Although a peasant, + His manners are refined, and really pleasant." + + They stood each looking in the other's eyes, + Till Hy-son dropp'd her gaze, and then--good lack + Love is a cunning chapman: smiles, and sighs. + And tears, the choicest treasures in his pack! + Still barters he such baubles for the prize, + Which all regret when lost, yet can't get back-- + The heart--a useful matter in a bosom-- + Though some folks won't believe it till they lose 'em. + + Love can say much, yet not a word be spoken. + Straight, as a wasp careering staid to sip + The dewy rose she held, the gardener's token, + He, seizing on her hand, with hasty grip, + The stem sway'd earthward with its blossom, broken. + The gardener raised her hand unto his lip, + And kiss'd it--when a rough voice, hoarse with halloas, + Cried, "Harkye' fellow! I'll permit no followers!" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 11 + + The lists were made--the trumpet's blast + Rang pealing through the air. + My 'squire made lace and rivet fast + And brought my tried _destrerre_. + I rode where sat fair Isidore + Inez Mathilde Borghese; + From spur to crest she scann'd me o'er, + Then said "He's not the cheese!" + + O, Mary mother! how burn'd my cheek! + I proudly rode away; + And vow'd "Woe's his I who dares to break + A lance with me to-day!" + I won the prize! (Revenge is sweet, + I thought me of a _ruse_;) + I laid it at her rival's feet, + And thus I cook'd her goose. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORP'S CORNER. + +What difference is there between a farrier and Dr. Locock?--Because the +one is a _horse-shoer_, and the other is _a-cow-shoer_. (accoucheur). + +Why is the Prince of Wales Duke of Cornwall?--Because he is a _minor_. + +"Bar that," as the Sheriff's Officer said to his first-floor window. + + * * * * * + + +KINGS AND CARPENTERS.--ROYAL AND VULGAR CONSPIRATORS. + +In a manuscript life of _Jemmy Twitcher_--the work will shortly appear +under the philosophical auspices of SIR LYTTON BULWER--we find a curious +circumstance, curiously paralleled by a recent political event. _Jemmy_ +had managed to pass himself off as a shrewd, cunning, but withal very +honest sort of fellow; he was, nevertheless, in heart and soul, a +housebreaker of the first order. One night, _Jemmy_ quitted his +respectable abode, and, furnished with dark lantern, pistol, crowbar, and +crape, joined half-a-dozen neophyte burglars--his pupils and his victims. +The hostelry chosen for attack was "The Spaniards." The host and his +servants were, however, on the alert; and, after a smart struggle in the +passage, the housebreakers were worsted; two or three of them being +killed, and the others--save and except the cautious _Jemmy_, who had only +directed the movement from without--being fast in the clutches of the +constables. _Jemmy_, flinging away his crape and his crowbar, ran home to +his house--he was then living somewhere in Petty France--went to bed, and +the next morning appeared as snug and as respectable as ever to his +neighbours. Vehement was his disgust at the knaves killed and caught in +the attack on "The Spaniards;" and though there were not wanting bold +speakers, who averred that _Twitcher_ was at the bottom of the burglary, +nevertheless, his grave look, and the character he had contrived to piece +together for honest dealing, secured him from conviction. + +_Jemmy Twitcher_ was what the world calls a warm fellow. He had gold in +his chest, silver tankards on his board, pictures on his walls; and more, +he had a fine family of promising _Twitchers_. One night, greatly to his +horror at the iniquity of man, miscreants surrounded his dwelling and +fired bullets at his children. The villains were apprehended; and the hair +of _Jemmy_--who had evidently forgotten all about the affair at "The +Spaniards"--stood on end, as the conspiracy of the villains was revealed, +as it was shown how, in anticipation of a wicked success, they had shared +among them, not only his gold and his tankards, but the money and plate of +all his honest neighbours. _Jemmy_, still forgetful of "The Spaniards" +cried aloud for justice and the gibbet! + +Have we not here the late revolution in Spain--the QUENISSET +conspiracy--and in the prime mover of the first, and the intended victim +of the second rascality, KING LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the JEMMY TWITCHER OF THE +FRENCH? + +The commission recently appointed in France for the examination of the +Communists and Equalised Operatives, taken in connexion with the recent +bloodshed under French royal authority, is another of the ten thousand +illustrations of the peculiar morality of crowned heads. Here is a sawyer, +a cabinet-maker, a cobbler, and such sort, all food for the guillotine for +attempting to do no more than has been most treacherously perpetrated by +the present King of the French and the ex-Queen of Spain. How is it that +LOUIS-PHILIPPE feels no touch of sympathy for that pusillanimous +scoundrel--_Just_? He is naturally his veritable double; but then _Just_ +is only a carpenter, LOUIS-PHILIPPE is King of the French! + +The reader has only to read Madrid for Paris--has only to consider the +sawyer Quenisset (the poor tool, trapped by _Just_), the murdered Don +Leon, or any other of the gallant foolish victims of the French monarchy +in the late atrocity in Spain, to see the moral identity of the scoundrel +carpenter and the rascal king. We quote from the report:-- + + _Quénisset_ (alias DON LEON) examined.--"_Just_ said to + me, pointing to the body of officers, 'You must fire _into the + midst of those_;' I then drew the pistol from under my shirt, + and discharged it with my left hand _in the direction I was + desired_." + +O'DONNELL, LEON, ORA, BORIA, FULGOSIO, drew their pistols at the order of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE and CHRISTINA, and merely fired in the direction they were +desired! + + "Where was this society (the Ouvriers Egalitaires) + held?"--"Generally at the house of Colombier, keeper of a + wine-shop, Rue Traversière." + + "What formed the subject of discourse in these meetings, when you + were there?"--"_Different crimes_. They talked of _overthrowing + the throne, assassinating the agents of the government--shedding + blood, in fact_!" + +For the Rue Traversière we have only to read the Rue de Courcelles--for +Colombier the wine seller, CHRISTINA ex-Queen of Spain. As for the subject +of discourse at her Majesty's hotel, events have bloodily proved that it +was the overthrow of a throne--the murder of the constituted authorities +of Spain--and, in the comprehensive meaning of Quénisset--"shedding blood, +in fact!" At the wine-shop meetings the French conspirator tells us that +there was "an old man, a locksmith," who would read revolutionary themes, +and "electrify the souls of the young men about him!" The locksmith of the +Rue de Courcelles was the crafty, sanguinary policy of the monarch of the +barricades. We now come to MADAME COLOMBIER, _alias_ QUEEN CHRISTINA.-- + + "Do you know whether your comrades had many cartridges?"--"I do + not know exactly what the quantity was, but I heard a man say, + and, Madame Colombier _also boasted to another woman, that they + had worked very hard, and for some time past, at making + cartridges_." + +Madame COLOMBIER, however, must cede in energy and boldness to the +reckless devilry of the Spanish ex-Queen; for the cartridges manufactured +by the wine-seller's wife were not to be discharged into the bed-room of +her own infant daughters! They were certain not to shed the blood of her +own children. Now the cartridges of the Rue de Courcelles were made for +any service. + +One more extract from the confessions of QUENISSET (_alias_ DON LEON):-- + + "At the corner of the Rue Traversière I saw Just, Auguste, and + several other young men, whom I had seen in the morning receiving + cartridges. Upon my asking whether the attack was to be made, + _Just answered, Yes_. He felt for his pistols; my comrade got his + ready under his blouse. I seized mine under my shirt. Just called + to me, '_There, there, it is there you are to fire.' I fired. I + thought that all the others would do the same; but they made me + swallow the hook, and then left me to my fate, the rascals!_" + +Poor DON LEON! So far the parallel is complete. The pistol was fired +against Spanish liberty; and the royal Just, finding the object missed, +sneaks off, and leaves his dupe for the executioner. There, however, the +similitude fails. LOUIS-PHILIPPE sleeps in safety--if, indeed, the ghosts +of his Spanish victims let him sleep at all; whilst for _Just_, the +carpenter, he is marked for the guillotine. Could Justice have her own, we +should see the King of the French at the bar of Spain; were the world +guided by abstract right, one fate would fall to the carpenter and the +King. History, however, will award his Majesty his just deserts. There is +a Newgate Calendar for Kings as well as for meaner culprits. + +There are, it is said, at the present moment in France fifty thousand +communists; foolish, vicious men; many of them, doubtless, worthy of the +galleys; and many, for whom the wholesome discipline of the mad-house +would be at once the best remedy and punishment. Fifty thousand men +organised in societies, the object of which is--what young France would +denominate--philosophical plunder; a relief from the canker-eating chains +of matrimony; a total destruction of all objects of art; and the common +enjoyment of stolen goods. It is against this unholy confederacy that the +moral force of LOUIS-PHILIPPE'S Government is opposed. It is to put down +and destroy these bands of social brigands that the King of the French +burns his midnight oil; and then, having extirpated the robber and the +anarchist from France, his Majesty--for the advancement of political and +social freedom--would kidnap the baby-Queen of Spain and her sister, to +hold them as trump cards in the bloody game of revolution. That +LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the _Just_ of Spain, can consign his fellow-conspirator, +the _Just_ of Paris, to the scaffold, is a grave proof that there is no +honour among a certain set of enterprising men, whom the crude phraseology +of the world has denominated thieves. + +It is to make the blood boil in our veins to read the account of the +execution of such men as LEON, ORA, and BORIA, the foolish martyrs to a +wicked cause. Never was a great social wrong dignified by higher courage. +Our admiration of the boldness with which these men have faced their fate +is mingled with the deepest regret that the prime conspirators are safe in +Paris; that one sits in derision of justice on fellow criminals--on men +whose crime may have some slight extenuation from ignorance, want, or +fancied cause of revenge; that the other, with the surpassing meekness of +Christianity, goes to mass in her carriage, distributes her alms to the +poor, and, with her soul dyed with the blood of the young, the chivalrous, +and the brave, makes mouths at Heaven in very mockery of prayer. + +We once were sufficiently credulous to believe in the honesty of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE; we sympathised with him as a bold, able, high-principled +man fighting the fight of good government against a faction of +smoke-headed fools and scoundrel desperadoes. He has out-lived our good +opinion--the good opinion of the world. He is, after all, a lump of +crowned vulgarity. Pity it is that men, the trusting and the brave, are +made the puppets, the martyrs, of such regality! + +As for Queen CHRISTINA, her path, if she have any touch of conscience, +must be dogged by the spectres of her dupes. She is the Madame LAFFARGE of +royalty; nay, worse--the incarnation of Mrs. BROWNRIGG. Indeed, what +JOHNSON applied to another less criminal person may be justly dealt upon +her:--"Sir, she is not a woman, she is a speaking cat!" + +Q. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XX. + +THE RECRUITING SERGEANT. + +"LIST, WAKLEY! LIST!--"--_New Shaksperian Readings_.] + + * * * * * + + +HIS TURN NOW. + + "They say the owl was a baker's daughter." + "Oh, how the wheel becomes it."--SHAKSPEARE. + + +That immense cigar, our mild Cavannah, has at length met with his deserts, +and left the sage savans of the fool's hotbed, London, the undisturbed +possession of the diligently-achieved fool's-caps their extreme absurdity, +egregious folly, and lout-like gullibility, have so splendidly qualified +them to support. + +This extraordinary and Heaven-gifted faster is at length laid by the +heels. The full blown imposition has exploded--the wretched cheat is +consigned to merited durance; while the trebly-_gammoned_ and unexampled +spoons who were his willing dupes are in full possession of the enviable +notoriety necessarily attendant upon their extreme amount of unmitigated +folly. + +This egregious liar and finger-post for thrice inoculated fools set out +upon a provincial "Starring and Starving Expedition," issuing bills, +announcing his wish to be open to public inspection, and delicately +hinting the absolute necessity of shelling-out the browns, as though he, +Bernard Cavanagh, did not eat, yet he had a brother "as did;" +consequently, ways and means for the establishment and continuance of a +small commissariat for the ungifted fraternal was delicately hinted at in +the various documents containing the pressing invitations to "yokel +population" to honour him with an inspection. + +Numerous were the visitors and small the contributions attendant upon the +circulation of these "documents in madness." Many men are rather notorious +in our great metropolis for "living upon nothing," that is, existing +without the aid of such hard food as starved the ass-eared Midas; out +these gentlemen of invisible ways and means have a very decent notion of +employing four out of the twenty four hours in supplying their internal +economy with such creature comforts as, in days of yore, disinherited +Esau, and procured a somewhat gastronomic celebrity for the far-famed +Heliogabalus. But a gentleman who could treat his stomach like a postponed +bill in the House of Commons--that is, adjourn it _sine die_, or take it +into consideration "this day seven years"--was really a likely person to +attract attention and excite curiosity: accordingly, Bernard Cavanagh was +questioned closely by some of his visitors; but he, like the speculation, +appeared to be "one not likely to answer." + +Apparent efforts at concealment invariably lead to doubt, and, doubt +engendering curiosity, is very like to undergo, especially from one of the +fair sex, a scrutiny of the most searching kind. Eve caused the fall of +Adam--a daughter of Eve has discovered and crushed this heretofore hidden +mystery. This peculiarly _empty_ individual was discovered by the good +lady--despite the disguise of a black patch upon his nose and an +immeasurable outspread of Bandana superficially covering that (as he +asserted) useless orifice, his mouth--sneaking into the far-off premises +of a miscellaneous vendor of ready-dressed eatables; and there Bernard the +faster--the anti-nourishment and terrestrial food-defying wonder--the +certificated of Heaven knows how many deacons, parsons, physicians, and +fools--demanded the very moderate allowance for his breakfast of a +twopenny loaf, a sausage, and a quarter of a pound of ham _cut fat_: +that's the beauty of it--cut fat! The astonished witness of this singular +purchase rushed at once to the hotel: Cavanagh might contain the edibles, +she could not: the affair was blown; an investigation very properly +adjudicated upon the case; and three months' discipline at the tread-mill +is now the reward of this arch-impostor's merits. So far so good; but in +the name of common sense let some experienced practitioner in the art of +"cutting for the simples" be furnished with a correct list of the awful +asses he has cozened at "hood-man blind;" and pray Heaven they may each +and severally be operated on with all convenient speed! + + * * * * * + + +"SLUMBER, MY DARLING." + +During the vacation, the Judges' bench in each of the Courts at +Westminster Hall has been furnished with luxurious air-cushions, and +heated with the warm-air apparatus. Baron Parke declares that the Bench is +now really a snug berth,--and, during one of Sergeant Bompas's long +speeches, a most desirable place for taking + +[Illustration: A SOUND NAP.] + + * * * * * + + +A FAMILIAR EPISTLE + +FROM + +JOHN STUMP, ESQ., POET LAUREATE TO THE BOROUGH OF GRUB-CUM-GUZZLE, + +TO + +SIMON NIBB, ESQ., COMMON-COUNCIL-MAN OF THE SAID BOROUGH, + +_Setting forth a notable Plan for the better management of_ + +RAILWAY DIRECTORS. + + +DEAR SIMON, + + If I were a Parliament man, + I'd make a long speech, and I'd bring in a plan, + And prevail on the House to support a new clause + In the very first chapter of Criminal Laws! + But, to guard against getting too nervous or low + (For my speech you're aware would be then a no-go), + I'd attack, ere I went, some two bottles of Sherry, + And chaunt all the way Row di-dow di-down-derry![1] + Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm), + I'd clear out my throat and pronounce a loud "Hem!" + (So th' appearance of summer's preceded by swallows,) + Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:-- + "Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws" + (Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause) + Is such as demands our most serious attention, + And strong reprobation, and quick intervention." + (This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion, + Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.) + "Though the traitor's obligingly eased of his head-- + Though a Wilde[2] to the dark-frowning gallows is led-- + Tho' the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent hence + Beyond the blue wave, at his country's expense!-- + Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me + The state of the law in this '_Land of the free_'"-- + (Speak these words in a manner most zealous and fervid)-- + That there's no law for those who most richly deserve it! + Yes, Sir, 'tis a fact not less true than astounding-- + A fact--to the wise with instruction abounding, + That those who the face of the country destroy, + And hurl o'er the best scenes of Nature alloy-- + Who Earth's brightest portions cut through at a dash-- + Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash"-- + (I don't dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle + Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)-- + "Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature's dissectors, + Meet with no just reward--these same Railway Directors!" + I've not mentioned the "Laughters," the "Bravos," the "Hears," + "Agitations," "Sensations," and "Deafening Cheers," + Which of course would attend a speech _so_ patriotic, + So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic! + In this style I'd proceed, 'till I'd proved to the House + That these railways, in fact, were a national _chouse_, + And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her, + Would be--_to hang daily a Railway Director!_ + _Of course_ the Hon. Members could ne'er have a thought + Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught; + But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation } + A project so teeming with consideration, } + As a model of justice, a boon to the nation! } + Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man, + The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan! + But my rushlight is drooping--so trusting diurnally, + To hear your opinion--believe me eternally + (Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump) + Your obedient, + devoted, + admiring, + JOHN STUMP. + + [1] The exact tune of this interesting song it has not been in + our power to discover--it is, however, undoubtedly a truly + national melody. + + [2] After due inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the + individual here mentioned is _not_ H.M.'s late + Solicitor-General, but one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose + history _vide_ Jack Sheppard. + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS; + +OR, YOUNG JOKER'S BEST COMPANION. + + "All the world's a joke, and all the men and women merely + jokers."--_Shakspeare_. From the text of Joseph Miller. + + +Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict attention +of the reading public to the following brief prospectus of their +forthcoming work "On Jokes for all subjects." Messrs. GAG and GAMMON +pledge themselves to produce an article at present unmatched for +application and originality, upon such terms as must secure them the +patronage and lasting gratitude of their many admirers. Messrs. GAG and +GAMMON propose dividing their highly-seasoned and +warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal facetiæ into the following +various heads, departments, or classes:-- + +General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to individuals' names, +expressive of peculiar colours. + +A very superior article on _Browns_--if required, bringing in said Browns +in Black and White. + +Embarrassed do., very humorous, with _Duns_; and a choice selection of +unique references to the copper coin of the realm. Worthy the attention of +young beginners, and very safe for small country towns, with one wit +possessed of a good horse-laugh for his own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.'s +jokes. + +Do. do. on _Greens_, very various: bring in _Sap_ superbly, and _Pea_ with +peculiar power; with a short cut to _Lettus (Lettuce)_, and Hanson's +Patent Safety,--a beautiful allusion to the "Cab-age." May be tried when +there is an attorney and young doctor, with a perfect certainty of +success. + +Do. do. do. On _Wiggins_; very pungent, suitable to the present political +position; offering a beautiful contrast of Wig-_ins_ and Wig-_outs_; +capable of great ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in +a half whisper in mixed society. + +Also some "Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces for all Joints." + +_Calves-head_.--Brings in fellow-feeling; family likeness; cannibalism; +"tête-à-tête"; while the brain sauce and tongue are never-failing. + +_Goose_.--Same as above, with allusions to the "sage;" two or three that +_stick in the gizzard_; and a beautiful work up with a "long liver." + +_Ducks_.--Very military: bring in _drill_; drumsticks; breastwork; and +pair of ducks for light clothing and summer wear. + +_Snipes_.--Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; "Toast be dear Woman." +Mercantile; run on banks. And infants; living on suction. + +_Herring_.--Capital for _bride_: _her-ring_; petticoats, flannel and +otherwise, _herring-boned_. Fat people; _bloaters_; &c. &c. &c. + +_Venison_.--Superior, for offering everybody some of your sauce. Sad +subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave eye (_gravy_). Wish +your friends might always give you such _a cut_. &c. &c. &c. + +_Port_.--Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; flies out of glass +because of the "bee's wing." Always happy to become a _porter_ on such +occasions; object to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a +bottle; comes from a good "cellar" and a good buyer, though no wish to be +a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful leading cues, and really +with two or three rehearsals the very best things ever done. + +_Sherry_.--"Do you sherry?" "Not just yet." "Rather unlucky, _white +whining_: like a bottle of port; but no objection to _share he_. Hope +never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done Brown." + +N.B.--After an election dinner, any of the above valued at a six weeks' +invitation from any voter under the influence of his third bottle; and +absolute reversion of the chair, when original chairman disappears under +table. + +_Champagne_.--Real pleasure (quite new--never thought of before)--must be +_Wright's_; nothing _left_ about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, +getting drunk with pheasant's eye. What gender's wine? _Why hen's_ +feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not quite compact. + +_Hock_.--Hic, hec, do. + +_Hugeous_.--Glass by all means (_very new_); never could decline it, &c. +&c. &c. + +_Dessert_.--Wish every one had it; join hands with _ladies' fingers_ and +bishops' thumbs: Prince Albert and Queen very choice "Windsor pairs;" +medlars; unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be +cracked; disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. &c. + +The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke manufactory +of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the powerful and prolific +steam-joke double-action press. They are all warranted of the very best +quality, and last date. + +Old jokes taken in exchange--of course allowing a liberal per-centage. + +Gentlemen's own materials made up in the most superior style, and at the +very shortest notice. + +Election squibs going off--a decided sacrifice of splendid talent. + +Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on hand. + +Laughs taught in six lessons. + +A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just completed. + +A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George Robins on the +1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by private contract. + +N.B.--Well worthy the attention of sporting and other punsters. + +Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled "How to Laugh, and what to +Laugh at." + +For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and +second-hand depôt for gentlemen's left-off facetiæ, Monmouth-street; and +at their West-end establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to +Mr. Catnach, Seven-dials. + + * * * * * + + +VERSES + +ON MISS CHAPLIN--AND + +THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL. + + Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad, + With lofty hexameters grapplin', + My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad, + For 'tis all about Ellena Chaplin! + + As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees + To inspire his romantical nap. Lin + Ne'er saw such a charming celestial Chinese + "Maid of Honour" as Ellena Chaplin. + + O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:-- + Thou hast an infallible trap lain-- + For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss; + As thou provest--with Ellena Chaplin. + + E'en the water wherein (in "Die Hexen am Rhein") + She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin- + Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch'd into wine, + When duck'd in by Ellena Chaplin. + + A fortunate blade will be he can persuade + This nymph to some church or some chap'l in,-- + And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid + Of the theatre--Ellena Chaplin! + + * * * * * + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready to turn a +penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of North American +Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the ensuing winter. In +pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at the Court of Chancery to +purchase the "530 suits, including 40 removed from the 'Equity Exchequer,' +which occupy the cause list for the present term." Upon the discovery of +his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on + +[Illustration: GOING TO BRIGHTEN.] + + * * * * * + + +NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS. + +ANNUALS. + + FORGET-ME-NOT Dedicated to the "Irish Pisantry." By + Mayor Dan O'Connell. + FRIENDSHIP'S OFFERING Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the _Times_. + THE BOOK OF BEAUTY Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz. + THE JUVENILE ANNUAL Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to + Prince Albert + +REPUBLICATIONS. + + ON NOSOLOGY By the Duke of Wellington and + Lord Brougham. + A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE By W. Gibson Craig, M.P. + COOPER'S DEAR-SLAYER By Lord Palmerston. + + * * * * * + + +DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS. + +Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by mysterious rumours +concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was said, had been discovered +at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed to enclose these costly gems being +solemnly opened, it was found to contain nothing but an antique pair of +false promises, set in copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; +and a bloodstone amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of +Wellington. The box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and +sealed with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being "_Requiscat in +Pace_." + + * * * * * + + +SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY. + +We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the Duke of +Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting to his Royal +Highness. + +The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John Key, Colonel +Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord Ashburton, and Sir E.L. +Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with his Royal Highness, who +received them in "full cry," and was graciously pleased to confer on our +Sir Peter extraordinary proofs of his royal condescension. The +distinguished party afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with +the nursery-maids. + +Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is not the +individual of that name who has been appointed monthly nurse in the +Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought to have entitled him +to a preference. + +The captain of the _Britannia_ states that he fell in with two large +whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. There is every reason to +believe they were coming up the Thames to offer their congratulations to +the future Prince of _Whales_. + + * * * * * + + +THE REWARD OF VIRTUE. + +We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the Freedom of +the Barber's Company, enclosed in a pewter shaving-box of the value of +fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a medallion of + +[Illustration: THE HARE A PARENT.] + + * * * * * + + +A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the customary honour +upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the birth of a male heir to +the throne, in consequence of the Prince being born on the day on which +the late Mayor went out and the present one came into office. Sir Peter +Laurie suggests that a petition be presented to the Queen, praying that +her Majesty may (in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward +dilemma) be pleased in future to + +[Illustration: MIND HER DATES.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +COURT AND CITY. + +The other evening, the public were put in possession, at Covent Garden +Theatre, of a new branch of art in play concoction, which may be called +"dramatic distillation." By this process the essence of two or more old +comedies is extracted; their characters and plots amalgamated; and the +whole "rectified" by the careful expunction of equivocal passages. +Finally, the _drame_ is offered to the public in _act_ive potions; five of +which are a dose. + +The forgotten plays put into the still on this occasion were "The +Discovery," by Mrs. Frances Sheridan, and "The Tender Husband," by Sir +Richard Steele. From one, that portion which relates to the "City," is +taken; the "Court" end of the piece belonging to the other. In fact, even +in their modern dress, they are two distinct dramas, only both are played +at once--a wholesome economy being thus exercised over time, actors, +scenery, and decorations: the only profusion required is in the article of +patience, of which the audience must be very liberal. + +The courtiers consist of _Lord Dangerfield_, who although, or--to speak in +a sense more strictly domestic--because, he has got a wife of his own, +falls in love with the young spouse of young _Lord Whiffle_; then there is +_Sir Paladin Scruple_, who, having owned to eighteen separate tender +declarations during fourteen years, dangles after _Mrs. Charmington_, an +enchanting widow, and _Louisa Dangerfield_, an insipid spinster, the +latter being in love with his son. + +The citizens consist of the _famille Bearbinder_, parents and daughter, +together with _Sir Hector Rumbush_ and a clownish son, who the former +insists shall marry the sentimental _Barbara Bearbinder_, but who, +accordingly, does no such thing. + +The dialogues of these two "sets" go on quite independent of each other, +action there is none, nor plot, nor, indeed, any progression of incident +whatever. _Lord Dangerfield_ tells you, in the first scene, he is trying +to seduce _Lady Whiffle_, and you know he won't get her. Directly you hear +that _Sir Paladin Scruple_ has declared in favour of _Miss Dangerfield_, +you are quite sure she will marry the son; in short, there is not the +glimmer of an incident throughout either department of the play which you +are not scrupulously prepared for--so that the least approach to +expectation is nipped in the bud. The whole fable is carefully developed +after all the characters have once made their introduction; hence, at +least three of the acts consist entirely of events you have been told are +going to happen, and of the fulfilment of intentions already expressed. + +One character our enumeration has omitted--that of _Mr. Winnington_, who +being a lawyer, stock and marriage broker, is the bosom friend and +confident of every character in the piece, and, consequently, is the only +person who has intercourse with the two sets of characters. This is a part +patched up to be the sticking plaster which holds the two plots +together---the flux that joins the _mettle_some _Captain Dangerfield_ (son +of the Lord) to the sentimental _citoyenne_ _Barbara Bearbinder_. In fact, +_Winnington_ is the author's go-between, by which he maketh the twain +comedies one--the Temple Bar of the play--for he joineth the "Court" with +the "City." + +So much for construction: now for detail. The legitimate object of comedy +is the truthful delineation of manners. In life, manners are displayed by +what people do, and by what they say. Comedy, therefore, ought to consist +of action and dialogue. ("Thank you," exclaims our reader, "for this +wonderful discovery!") Now we have seen that in "Court and City" there is +little action: hence it may be supposed that the brilliancy of the +dialogue it was that tempted the author to brush away the well-deserved +dust under which the "Discovery" and the "Tender Husband" have been +half-a-century imbedded. But this supposition would be entirely erroneous. +The courtiers and citizens themselves were but dull company: it was +chiefly the acting that kept the audience on the benches and out of their +beds. + +Without action or wit, what then renders the comedy endurable? It is this: +all the parts are individualities--they speak, each and every of them, +exactly such words, by which they give utterance to such thoughts, as are +characteristic of him or herself, each after his kind. In this respect the +"Court and City" presents as pure a delineation of manners as a play +without incident can do--a truer one, perhaps, than if it were studded +with brilliancies; for in private life neither the denizens of St. +James's, nor those of St. Botolph's, were ever celebrated for the +brilliancy of their wit. Nor are they at present; if we may judge from the +fact of Colonel Sibthorp being the representative of the one class, and +Sir Peter Laurie the oracle of the other. + +This nice adaptation of the dialogue to the various characters, therefore, +offers scope for good acting, and gets it. Mr. Farren, in _Sir Paladin +Scruple_, affords what tradition and social history assure us is a perfect +portraiture of an old gentleman of the last century;--more than that, of a +singular, peculiar old gentleman. And yet this excellent artist, in +portraying the peculiarities of the individual, still preserves the +general features of the class. The part itself is the most difficult in +nature to make tolerable on the stage, its leading characteristic being +wordiness. _Sir Paladin_, a gentleman (in the ultra strict sense of that +term) seventy years of age, is desirous of the character of _un homme de +bonnes fortunes_. Cold, precise, and pedantic, he tells the objects--not +of his flame--but of his declarations, that he is consumed with passion, +dying of despair, devoured with love--talking at the same time in +parenthetical apologies, nicely-balanced antitheses, and behaving himself +with the most frigid formality. His bow (that old-fashioned and elaborate +manual exercise called "making a leg") is in itself an epitome of the +manners and customs of the ancients. + +Madame Vestris and Mr. C. Matthews played _Lady_ and _Lord Whiffle_--two +also exceedingly difficult characters, but by these performers most +delicately handled. They are a very young, inexperienced (almost +childish), and quarrelsome couple. Frivolity so extreme as they were +required to represent demands the utmost nicety of colouring to rescue it +from silliness and inanity. But the actors kept their portraits well up to +a pleasing standard, and made them both quite _spirituels_ (more +French--that _Morning Post_ will be the ruin of us), as well as in a high +degree natural. + +All the rest of the players, being always and altogether actors, within +the most literal meaning of the word, were exactly the same in this comedy +as they are in any other. Mr. Diddear had in _Lord Dangerfield_ one of +those parts which is generally confided to gentlemen who deliver the +dialogue with one hand thrust into the bosom of the vest--the other +remaining at liberty, with which to saw the air, or to shake hands with a +friend. Mr. Harley played the part of Mr. Harley (called in the bills +_Humphrey Rumbush_) precisely in the same style as Mr. Harley ever did and +ever will, whatever dress he has worn or may wear. The rest of the people +we will not mention, not being anxious for a repetition of the unpleasant +fits of yawning which a too vivid recollection of their dulness might +re-produce. The only merit of "Court and City" being in the dialogue--the +only merit of that consisting of minute and subtle representations of +character, and these folks being utterly innocent of the smallest +perception of its meaning or intention--the draughts they drew upon the +patience of the audience were enormous, and but grudgingly met. But for +the acting of Farren and the managers, the whole thing would have been an +unendurable infliction. As it was, it afforded a capital illustration of + +[Illustration: ATTRACTION AND REPULSION.] + + * * * * * + +TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! + +The dramatic capabilities of "Ten Thousand a-Year," as manifested in the +vicissitudes that happen to the Yatton Borough (appropriately recorded by +Mr. Warren in _Blackwood's Magazine_), have been fairly put to the test by +a popular and _Peake_-ante play-wright. What a subject! With ten thousand +a-year a man may do anything. There is attraction in the very sound of the +words. It is well worth the penny one gives for a bill to con over those +rich, euphonious, delicious syllables--TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! Why, the magic +letters express the concentrated essence of human felicity--the _summum +bonum_ of mortal bliss! + +_Charles Aubrey_, of Yatton, in the county of York, Esquire, possesses ten +thousand a-year in landed property, a lovely sister in yellow satin, a +wife who can sing, and two charming children, who dance the mazourka as +well as they do it at Almack's, or at Mr. Baron Nathan's. As is generally +the case with gentlemen of large fortunes, he is the repository of all the +cardinal virtues, and of all the talents. Good husbands, good fathers, +good brothers, and idolised landlords, are plenty enough; but a man who, +like _Aubrey_, is all these put together, is indeed a scarce article; the +more so, as he is also a profound scholar, and an honest statesman. In +short, though pretty well versed in the paragons of virtue that belong to +the drama, we find this _Charles Aubrey_ to be the veriest angel that ever +wore black trousers and pumps. + +The most exalted virtue of the stage is, in the long run, seen in good +circumstances, and _vice versa_; for, in this country, one of the chief +elements of crime is poverty. Hence the picture is reversed; we behold a +striking contrast--a scene antithetical. We are shown into a miserable +garret, and introduced to a vulgar, illiterate, cockneyfied, dirty, +dandified linendraper's shopman, in the person of _Tittlebat Titmouse_. In +the midst of his distresses his attention is directed to a "Next of Kin" +advertisement. It relates to him and to the Yatton property; and if you be +the least conversant with stage effect, you know what is coming: though +the author thinks he is leaving you in a state of agonising suspense by +closing the act. + +The next scene is the robing-room of the York Court-house; and the +curtains at the back are afterwards drawn aside to disclose a large +cupboard, meant to represent an assize-court. On one shelf of it is seated +a supposititious Judge, surrounded by some half-dozen pseudo female +spectators; the bottom shelf being occupied by counsel, attorney, crier of +the court, and plaintiff. The special jury are severally called in to +occupy the right-hand shelf; and when the cupboard is quite full, all the +forms of returning a verdict are gone through. This is for the plaintiff! +Mr. Aubrey is ruined; and _Mr. Titmouse_ jumps about, at the imminent risk +of breaking the cupboard to pieces, having already knocked down a counsel +or two, and rolled over his own attorney. + +This idea of dramatising proceedings at _nisi prius_ only shows the state +of destitution into which the promoters of stage excitement have fallen. +The Baileys, Old and New, have, from constant use, lost their charms; the +police officers were completely worn out by Tom and Jerry, Oliver Twist, +&c.; so that now, all the courts left to be "done" for the drama are the +Exchequer and Ecclesiastical, Secondaries and Summonsing, Petty Sessions +and Prerogative. But what is to happen when these are exhausted? The +answer is obvious:--Mr. Yates will turn his attention to the Church! +Depend upon it, we shall soon have the potent Paul Bedford, or the grave +and reverend Mr. John Saunders, in solemn sables, _converting_ the stage +into a Baptist meeting, and repentant supernumeraries with the real water! + +Hoping to be forgiven for this, perhaps misplaced, levity, we proceed to +Act III., in which we find that, fortune having shuffled the cards, and +the judge and jury cut them, _Mr. Titmouse_ turns up possessor of Yatton +and ten thousand a-year; while _Aubrey_, quite at the bottom of the pack, +is in a state of destitution. To show the depth of distress into which he +has fallen, a happy expedient is hit upon: he is described as turning his +attention and attainments to literature; and that the unfathomable straits +he is put to may be fully understood, he is made a reviewer! Thus the +highest degree of sympathy is excited towards him; for everybody knows +that no person would willingly resort to criticism (literary or dramatic) +as a means of livelihood, if he could command a broom and a crossing to +earn a penny by, or while there exists a Mendicity Society to get soup +from. + +We have yet to mention one character; and considering that he is the +main-spring of the whole matter, we cannot put it off any longer. _Mr. +Gammon_ is a lawyer--that is quite enough; we need not say more. You all +know that stage solicitors are more outrageous villains than even their +originals. _Mr. Gammon_ is, of course, a "fine speciment of the specious," +as Mr. Hood's Mr. Higgings says. It is he who, finding out a flaw in +_Aubrey's_ title, angled per advertisement for the heir, and caught a +_Tittlebat--Titmouse_. It is he who has so disinterestedly made that +gentleman's fortune.--"Only just merely for the sake of the costs?" one +naturally asks. Oh no; there is a stronger reason (with which, however, +reason has nothing to do)--love! _Mr. Gammon_ became desperately enamoured +of _Miss Aubrey_; but she was silly enough to prefer the heir to a +peerage, _Mr. Delamere. Mr. Gammon_ never forgave her, and so ruins her +brother. + +Having brought the whole family to a state in which he supposes they will +refuse nothing, _Gammon_ visits _Miss Aubrey_, and, in the most handsome +manner, offers her--notwithstanding the disparity in their +circumstances--his hand, heart, and fortune. More than that, he promises +to restore the estate of Yatton to its late possessor. To his astonishment +the lady rejects him; and, he showing what the bills call the "cloven +foot," _Miss Aubrey_ orders him to be shown out. Meantime, _Mr. Tittlebat +Titmouse_, having been returned M.P. for Yatton, has made a great noise in +house, not by his oratorical powers, but by his proficient imitations of +cock-crowing and donkey-braying. + +This being Act IV., it is quite clear that _Gammon's_ villany and +_Tittlebat's_ prosperity cannot last much longer. Both are ended in an +original manner. True to the principle with which the Adelphi commenced +its season--that of putting stage villany into comedy--Mr. Gammon +concludes the _facetiæ_ with which his part abounds by a comic suicide! +All the details of this revolting operation are gone through amidst the +most ponderous levity; insomuch, that the audience had virtue enough to +hiss most lustily[3]. + + [3] While this page was passing through the press, we witnessed a + representation of "Ten Thousand a-Year" a second time, and + observed that the offensiveness of this scene was considerably + abated. Mr. Lyon deserves a word of praise for his acting in + that passage of the piece as it now stands. + +Thus the string of rascality by which the piece is held together being +cut, it naturally finishes by the reinstatement of Aubrey--together with a +view of Yatton in sunshine, a procession of charity children, mutual +embraces by all the characters, and a song by Mrs. Grattan. What becomes +of _Titmouse_ is not known, and did not seem to be much cared about. + +This piece is interesting, not because it is cleverly constructed (for it +is not), nor because _Mr. Titmouse_ dyes his hair green with a barber's +nostrum, nor on account of the cupboard court of _Nisi Prius_, nor of the +charity children, nor because Mr. Wieland, instead of playing the devil +himself, played _Mr. Snap_, one of his limbs--but because many of the +scenes are well-drawn pictures of life. The children's ball in the first +"epoch," for instance, was altogether excellently managed and _true_; and +though many of the characters are overcharged, yet we have seen people +like them in Chancery-lane, at Messrs. Swan and Edgar's, in country +houses, and elsewhere. The suicide incident is, however, a disgusting +drawback. + +The acting was also good, but too extravagantly so. Mr. Wright, as +_Titmouse_, thought perhaps that a Cockney dandy could not be caricatured, +and he consequently went desperate lengths, but threw in here and there a +touch of nature. Mr. Lyon was as energetic as ever in _Gammon_; Mrs. Yates +as lugubrious as is her wont in _Miss Aubrey_; Mrs. Grattan acted and +looked as if she were quite deserving of a man with ten thousand a year. +As to her singing, if her husband were in possession of twenty thousand +per annum, (would to the gods he were!) it could not have been more +charmingly tasteful. The pathetics of Wilkinson (as _Quirk_) in the +suicide scene, and just before the event, deserve the attention and +imitation of Macready. We hope the former comedian's next character will +be Ion, or, at least, Othello. He has now proved that smaller parts are +beneath his purely histrionic talents. + +Mr. Yates did not make a speech! This extraordinary omission set the house +in a buzz of conjectural wonderment till "The Maid of Honour" put a stop +to it. + +NOTE.--A critique on this piece would have appeared last week, if it had +pleased some of the people at the post-office (through which the MS. was +sent to the Editors) not to steal it. Perhaps they took it for something +valuable; and, perhaps, they were not mistaken. Thanks be to Mercury, we +have plenty of wit to spare, and can afford some of it to be stolen now +and then. Still we entreat Colonel Maberly (Editor of the "Post" in St. +Martin's-le-Grand) to supply his clerks with jokes enough to keep them +alive, that they may not be driven to steal other people's. The most +effectual way to preserve them in a state of jocular honesty would be for +him to present every person on the establishment with a copy of "Punch" +from week to week. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 27, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14938-8.txt or 14938-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14938/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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November 27, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 27, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 27, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14938] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>NOVEMBER 27, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page229" name="page229"></a>[pg +229]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>9.—OF THE SEQUEL TO THE HALL EXAMINATION.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/020-01.png"><img src= +"images/020-01.png" alt= +"Three men stand facing away from each other form a letter W with their overcoats." +id="img020-01" name="img020-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">W</span>hilst Mr. Muff follows the beadle +from the funking-room to the Council Chamber, he scarcely knows +whether he is walking upon his head or his heels; if anything, he +believes that he is adopting the former mode of locomotion; nor +does he recover a sense of his true position until he finds himself +seated at one end of a square table, the other three sides whereof +are occupied by the same number of gentlemen of grave and austere +bearing, with all the candles in the room apparently endeavouring +to imitate that species of eccentric dance which he has only seen +the gas-lamps attempt occasionally as he has returned home from his +harmonic society. The table before him is invitingly spread with +pharmacopoeias, books of prescriptions, trays of drugs, and +half-dead plants; and upon these subjects, for an hour and a half, +he is compelled to answer questions.</p> +<p>We will not follow his examination: nobody was ever able to see +the least joke in it; and therefore it is unfitted for our columns. +We can but state that after having been puzzled, bullied, +“caught,” quibbled with, and abused, for the above +space of time, his good genius prevails, and he is told he may +retire. Oh! the pleasure with which he re-enters the +funking-room—that nice, long, pleasant room, with its +cheerful fireplace and good substantial book-cases, and valuable +books, and excellent old-fashioned furniture; and the capital tea +which the worshipful company allows him—never was meal so +exquisitely relished. He has passed the Hall! won’t he have a +flare-up to-night!—that’s all.</p> +<p>As soon as all the candidates have passed, their certificates +are given them, upon payment of various sovereigns, and they are +let out. The first great rush takes place to the “retail +establishment” over the way, where all their friends are +assembled—Messrs. Jones, Rapp, Manhug, &c. A pot of +“Hospital Medoc” is consumed by each of the thirsty +candidates, and off they go, jumping Jim Crow down Union-street, +and swaggering along the pavement six abreast, as they sing several +extempore variations of their own upon a glee which details divers +peculiarities in the economy of certain small pigs, pleasantly +enlivened by grunts and whistles, and the occasional asseveration +of the singers that their paternal parent was a man of less than +ordinary stature. This insensibly changes into “Willy brewed +a Peck of Malt,” and finally settles down into “Nix my +Dolly,” appropriately danced and chorussed, until a +policeman, who has no music in his soul, stops their harmony, but +threatens to take them into charge if they do not bring their +promenade concert to a close.</p> +<p>Arrived at their lodgings, the party throw off all restraint. +The table is soon covered with beer, spirits, screws, hot water, +and pipes; and the company take off their coats, unbutton their +stocks, and proceed to conviviality. Mr. Muff, who is in the chair, +sings the first song, which informs his friends that the glasses +sparkle on the board and the wine is ruby bright, in allusion to +the pewter-pots and half-and half. Having finished, Mr. Muff calls +upon Mr. Jones, who sings a ballad, not altogether perhaps of the +same class you would hear at an evening party in Belgrave-square, +but still of infinite humour, which is applauded upon the table to +a degree that flirps all the beer out of the pots, with which Mr. +Rapp draws portraits and humorous conceits upon the table with his +finger. Mr. Manhug is then called upon, and sings</p> +<h4>THE STUDENT’S ALPHABET.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh; A was an Artery, fill’d with injection;</p> +<p>And B was a Brick, never caught at dissection.</p> +<p>C were some Chemicals—lithium and borax;</p> +<p>And D was a Diaphragm, flooring the thorax.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><em>Chorus (taken in short-hand with minute accuracy).</em></p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol,</p> +<p class="i6">Tol de rol lay,</p> +<p class="i2">Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>E was an Embryo in a glass case;</p> +<p>And F a Foramen, that pierced the skull’s base.</p> +<p>G was a Grinder, who sharpen’d the fools;</p> +<p>And H means the Half-and-half drunk at the schools.</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I was some Iodine, made of sea-weed;</p> +<p>J was a Jolly Cock, not used to read.</p> +<p>K was some Kreosote, much over-rated;</p> +<p>And L were the Lies which about it were stated.</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>M was a muscle—cold, flabby, and red;</p> +<p>And N was a Nerve, like a bit of white thread.</p> +<p>O was some Opium, a fool chose to take;</p> +<p>And P were the Pins used to keep him awake.</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Q were the Quacks, who cure stammer and squint,</p> +<p>R was a Raw from a burn, wrapp’d in lint.</p> +<p>S was a Scalpel, to eat bread and cheese;</p> +<p>And T was a Tourniquet, vessels to squeeze.</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>U was the Unciform bone of the wrist.</p> +<p>V was the Vein which a blunt lancet miss’d.</p> +<p>W was Wax, from a syringe that flow’d.</p> +<p>X, the Xaminers, who may be blow’d!</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Y stands for You all, with best wishes sincere;</p> +<p>And Z for the Zanies who never touch beer.</p> +<p>So we’ve got to the end, not forgetting a letter;</p> +<p>And those who don’t like it may grind up a better.</p> +<p class="i6">Fol de rol lol, &c.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>This song is vociferously cheered, except by Mr. Rapp, who +during its execution has been engaged in making an elaborate piece +of basket-work out of wooden pipe-lights, which having arranged to +his satisfaction, he sends scudding at the chairman’s head. +The harmony proceeds, and with it the desire to assist in it, until +they all sing different airs at once; and the lodger above, who has +vainly endeavoured to get to sleep for the last three hours, gives +up the attempt as hopeless, when he hears Mr. Manhug called upon +for the sixth time to do the cat and dog, saw the bit of wood, +imitate Macready, sing his own version of +“Lur-li-e-ty,” and accompany it with his elbows on the +table.</p> +<p>The first symptom of approaching cerebral excitement from the +action of liquid stimulants is perceived in Mr. Muff himself, who +tries to cut some cold meat with the snuffers. Mr. Simpson also, a +new man, who is looking very pale, rather overcome with the effects +of his elementary screw in a first essay to perpetrate a pipe, +petitions for the window to be let down, that the smoke, which you +might divide with a knife, may escape more readily. This +proposition is unanimously negatived, until Mr. Jones, who is +tilting his chair back, produces the desired effect by +overbalancing himself in the middle of a comic medley, and causing +a compound, comminuted, and irreducible fracture of three panes of +glass by tumbling through them. Hereat, the harmony experiencing a +temporary check, and all the half-and half having disappeared, Mr. +Muff finds there is no great probability of getting any more, as +the servant who attends upon the seven different lodgers has long +since retired to rest in the turn-down bedstead of the back +kitchen. An adjournment is therefore determined upon; and, +collecting their hats and coats as they best may, the whole party +tumble out into the streets at two o’clock in the +morning.</p> +<p>“Whiz-z-z-z-z-t!” shouts Mr. Manhug, as they emerge +into the cool air, in accents which only Wieland could excel; +“there goes a cat!” Upon the information a volley of +hats follow the scared animal, none of which go within ten yards of +it, except Mr. Rapp’s, who, taking a bold aim, flings his own +gossamer down the area, over the railings, as the cat jumps between +them on to the water-butt, which is always her first leap in a +hurried retreat. Whereupon Mr. Rapp goes and rings the house-bell, +that the domestics may return his property; but not receiving an +answer, and being assured of the absence of a policeman, he pulls +the handle out as far as it will come, breaks it off, and puts it +in his pocket. After this they run about the streets, indulging in +the usual buoyant recreations that innocent and happy minds so +situated delight to follow, and are eventually separated by their +flight from the police, from the safe plan they have adopted of all +running different ways when pursued, to bother the crushers. What +this leads to we shall probably hear next week, when they are once +more <em>réunis</em> in the dissecting-room to recount their +adventures.</p> +<hr /> +<p>It is said that the Duke of Wellington declined the invitation +to the Lord Mayor’s civic dinner in the following laconic +speech:—“Pray remember the 9th November, +1830.”—“Ah!” said Sir Peter Laurie, on +hearing the Duke’s reply, “I remember it. They said +that the people intended on that day to set fire to Guildhall, and +meant to roast the Mayor and Board of +Aldermen.”—“On the old system, I suppose, of +every man cooking his own goose,” observed Hobler drily.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page230" name="page230"></a>[pg +230]</span> +<h2>THE “PUFF PAPERS.”</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-02.png"><img src= +"images/020-02.png" alt= +"A man lies back and sees smokers in his puffs of smoke." id= +"img020-02" name="img020-02" width="90%" /></a></div> +<h3>INTRODUCTION.</h3> +<p>I cannot recollect the precise day, but it was some time in the +month of November 1839, that I took one of my usual rambles without +design or destination. I detest a premeditated route—I always +grow tired at the first mile; but with a free course, either in +town or country, I can saunter about for hours, and feel no other +fatigue but what a tumbler of toddy and a pipe can remove. It was +this disposition that made me acquainted with the fraternity of the +“Puffs.” I would premise, gentle reader, that as in my +peregrinations I turn down any green lane or dark alley that may +excite my admiration or my curiosity—hurry through glittering +saloons or crowded streets—pause at the cottage door or shop +window, as it best suits my humour, so, in my intercourse with you, +I shall digress, speculate, compress, and dilate, as my fancy or my +convenience wills it. This is a blunt acknowledgment of my +intentions; but as travellers are never sociable till they have +cast aside the formalities of compliment, I wished to start with +you at the first stage as an old acquaintance. The course is not +usual, and, therefore, I adopt it; and it was by thus stepping out +of a common street into a common hostel that I became possessed of +the <em>matériel</em> of those papers, which I trust will +hereafter tend to cheat many into a momentary forgetfulness of some +care. I have no other ambition; there are philosophers enough to +mystify or enlighten the world without my “nose of Turk and +Tartar’s lips” being thrust into the cauldron, +whose</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—“Charms of powerful trouble,</p> +<p>Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>I had buttoned myself snugly in my Petersham (may the tailor who +invented <em>that</em> garment “sleep well” whenever he +“wears the churchyard livery, grass-green turned up with +brown!”) The snow—the beautiful snow—fell pure +and noiselessly on the dirty pavement. Ragged, blue-faced urchins +were scrambling the pearly particles together, and, with all the +joyous recklessness of healthier childhood, carrying on a war less +fatal but more glorious than many that have made countless widows +and orphans, and, <em>perhaps, one</em> hero. Little round +doll-like things, in lace and ribbons, were thumping second-door +windows with their tiny hands, and crowing with ecstasy at the +sight of the flaky shower. “Baked-tater” cans and +“roasted-apple” saucepan lids were sputtering and +frizzing in impotent rage as they waged puny war with the congealed +element. Hackney charioteers sat on their boxes warped and +whitened; whilst those strange amalgams of past and +<em>never-to-come</em> fashions—the clerks of +London—hurried about with the horrid consciousness of +exposing their costliest garments to the “pelting of the +pitiless storm.” Evening stole on. A London twilight has +nothing of the pale grey comfort that is diffused by that gradual +change from day to night which I have experienced when seated by +the hearth or the open window of a rural home. There it seems like +the very happiness of nature—a pause between the burning +passions of meridian day and the dark, sorrowing loneliness of +night; but in London on it comes, or rather down it comes, like the +mystic medium in a pantomime—it is a thing that you will not +gaze on for long; and you rush instinctively from daylight to +candle-light. I stopped in front of an old-fashioned public-house, +and soon (being a connoisseur in these matters) satisfied myself +that if comfort were the desideratum, “The heart that was +humble might hope for it here.” I shook the snow from my +“Petersham,” and seeing the word “parlour” +painted in white letters on a black door, bent my steps towards it. +I was on the point of opening the door, when a slim young man, with +a remarkable small quantity of hair, stopped my onward coarse by +gurgling rather than ejaculating—for the sentence seemed a +continuous word—</p> +<p>“Can’t-go-in-there-Sir.”</p> +<p>“Why not?” said I.”</p> +<p>“Puffs-Sir.”</p> +<p>“Puffs!”</p> +<p>“Yes-Sir,—Tues’y +night—Puffs-meets-on-Tues’y,” and then addressing +a young girl in the bar, delivered an order for +“One-rum-one-bran’y-one +gin-no-whisky-all-’ot,” which I afterwards found to +signify one glass of each of the liqueurs.</p> +<p>I was about to remonstrate against the exclusiveness of the +“Puffs,” when recollecting the proverbial obduracy of +waiters, I contented myself with buttoning my coat. My annoyance +was not diminished by hearing the hearty burst of merriment called +forth by some jocular member of this <em>terra incognita</em>, but +rendered still more distressing by the appearance of the landlord, +who emerged from the room, his eyes streaming with those tears that +nature sheds over an expiring laugh.</p> +<p>“You have a merry party <em>concealed</em> there, Master +Host,” said I.</p> +<p>“Ye-ye-s-Sir, very,” replied he, and tittered again, +as though he were galvanizing his defunct merriment.</p> +<p>“Quite exclusive?”</p> +<p>“Quite, Sir, un-unless you are introduced—Oh +dear!” and having mixed a small tumbler of toddy, he +disappeared into that inner region of smoke from which I was +separated by the black door endorsed +“<em>Parlour</em>.”</p> +<p>I had determined to seek elsewhere for a more social party, when +the thumping of tables and gingle of glasses induced me to abide +the issue. After a momentary pause, a firm and not unmusical voice +was heard, pealing forth the words of a song which I had written +when a boy, and had procured insertion for in a country newspaper. +At the conclusion the thumping was repeated, and the waiter having +given another of his <em>stenographical</em> orders, I could not +resist desiring him to inform the vocal gentleman that I craved a +few words with him.</p> +<p>“Yes-Sir—don’t-think-’ll +come—’cos he-’s-in-a-corner.”</p> +<p>“Perhaps you will try the experiment,” said I.</p> +<p>“Certainly-Sir-two-gins-please-ma’am.” And +having been supplied with the required beverage, he also made his +<em>exit in fumo</em>.</p> +<p>In a few minutes a man of about fifty made his appearance; his +face indicated the absence of vulgarity, though a few purply tints +delicately hinted that he had assisted at many an orgie of the rosy +offspring of Jupiter and Semele. His dark vestments and white +cravat induced me to set him down as a “professional +gentleman”—nor was I far wrong in my conjecture. As I +shall have, I trust, frequent occasion to speak of him, I will for +the sake of convenience, designate him Mr. Bonus.</p> +<p>I briefly stated my reason for disturbing him—that as he +had honoured my muse by forming so intimate an acquaintance with +her, I was anxious to trespass on his politeness to introduce me +into that room which had now become a sort of “Blue-beard +blue-chamber” to my thirsty curiosity. Having handed him my +card, he readily complied, and in another minute I was an +inhabitant of an elysium of sociality and tobacco-smoke.</p> +<p>“Faugh!” cries Aunt Charlotte Amelia, whilst pretty +little Cousin Emmeline turns up her round hazel eyes and +ejaculates, “Tobacco-smoke! horrid!”</p> +<p>Ladies! you treat with scorn that which God hath given as a +blessing! It has never been your lot to thread the streets of +mighty London, when the first springs of her untiring commerce are +set in motion. Long, dear aunt, before thy venerable nose peeps +from beneath the quilted coverlid <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page231" name="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>to scent an atmosphere +made odorous by cosmetics—long, dear Emmeline, ere those +bright orbs that one day will fire the hearts of thousands are +unclosed, the artizan has blessed his sleeping children, and closed +the door upon his household gods. The murky fog, the drizzling +shower, welcome him back to toil. Labour runs before him, and with +ready hand unlocks the doors of dreary cellars or towering and +chilly edifices; mind hath not yet promulgated or received the +noble doctrine that toil is dignity; and you, yes, even you, dear, +gentle hearts! would feel the artizan a slave, if some clever +limner showed you the toiling wretch sooted or japanned. Would you +then rob him of one means of happiness? No—not even of his +pipe! Ladies, you tread on carpets or on marble floors—I will +tell you where my foot has been. I have walked where the air was +circumscribed—where man was manacled by space, for no other +crimes but those of poverty and misfortune. I’ve seen the +broken merchant seated round a hearth that had not one +endearment—they looked about for faces that were wont to +smile upon them, and they saw but mirrors of their own sad +lineaments—some laughed in mockery of their sorrows, as +though they thought that mirth would come for asking; others, grown +brutal by being caged, made up in noise what they lacked in peace. +How comfortless they seemed! The only solace that the eye could +trace was the odious herb, tobacco!</p> +<p>I have climbed the dark and narrow stairway that led to a modern +Helicon; there I have seen the gentle creature that loved nature +for her beauty—beauty that was to him apparent, although he +sat hemmed in by bare and tattered walls; yet there he had seen +bright fountains sparkle and the earth robe herself with life, and +where the cunning spider spread her filmy toils above his head, he +has seen a world of light, a galaxy of wonders. The din of wheels +and the harsh discordant cries of busy life have died within his +ear, and the tiny voices of choral birds have hymned him into +peace; or the lettered eloquence of dread sages has become sound +again, and he has communed in the grove and temple, as they of +older time did in the eternal cities, with those whose names are +immortal—and there I have seen the humble pipe! the sole +evidence of luxury or enjoyment; when his daily task was suspended, +it can never end, for he must weave and weave the fibres of his +brain into the clue that leads him to the means of sustaining +life.</p> +<p>I have wandered through lanes and fields when the autumn was on +and the world golden, and my journey has ended at a yeoman’s +door. My welcome has been a hand-grasp, that needed bones and +muscles to bear it unflinchingly—my fare the homeliest, but +the sweetest; and when the meal was ended, how has the night wore +on and then away over a cup of brown October—the last +autumn’s legacy—and, forgive me, Emmeline, a pipe of +tobacco! Glorious herb! that hath oft-times stayed the progress of +sorrow and contagion; a king once consigned thee to the devil, but +many a humble, honest heart hath hailed thee as a blessing from the +Creator.</p> +<p>I was introduced by my new acquaintance without much ceremony, +and was pleased to see that little was expected. “We meet +here thrice a week,” said Bonus, “just to wile away an +hour or two after the worry and fatigue of business. Most of us +have been acquainted with each other since boyhood—and we +have some curious characters amongst us; and should you wish to +enrol your name, you have only to prove your qualification for this +(holding up his pipe), and we shall be happy to recognise you as a +‘Puff.’”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE STAR SYSTEM.</h3> +<p>SIR PETER LAURIE having observed a notice in one of the journals +that the superior planets, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, are now to be +seen every evening in the west, despatched a messenger to them with +an invitation to the late Polish Ball, sagely remarking that +“three such stars must prove an attraction.” Upon Sir +Peter mentioning the circumstance to Hobler, the latter cunningly +advised Alderman Figaro (in order to prevent accidents) to solicit +them to come by water, and accordingly Sir Peter’s carriage +was in waiting for the fiery stranger at the</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-03.png"><img src= +"images/020-03.png" alt="A tower with a face on it glares out." id= +"img020-03" name="img020-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>TOWER STARES.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LIMERICK MARES.</h3> +<p>The borough of Limerick at present enjoys the singular advantage +of having two civic heads to the city. The new <em>mare</em>, +Martin Honan, Esq., after being duly elected, civilly requested the +old <em>mare</em>, C. S. Vereker, Esq., to turn out; to which he as +civilly replied that he would see him blessed first, and as he was +himself the only genuine and original donkey, he was resolved not +to yield his place at the corporate manger to the new animal. Thus +matters remain at present—the old <em>Mare</em> resolutely +refusing to take his head out of the halter until he is compelled +to do so.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>MORE SKETCHES OF LONDON LIFE.</h2> +<p class="cen"><em>By the Author of the “Great +Metropolis.”</em></p> +<p>It is a remarkable fact that, in spite of the recent Act, there +are no less than three hundred sweeps who still continue to cry +“sweep,” in the very teeth of the legislative measure +alluded to. I have been in the habit of meeting many of these +sweeps at the house I use for my breakfast; and in the course of +conversation with them, I have generally found that they know they +are breaking the law in calling out “sweep,” but they +do not raise the cry for the mere purpose of law-breaking. I am +sure it would be found on inquiry that it is only with the view of +getting business that they call out at all; and this shows the +impolicy of making a law which is not enforced; for they all know +that it is very seldom acted upon.</p> +<p>The same argument will apply to the punishment of death; and my +friend Jack Ketch, whom I meet at the Frog and Frying-pan, tells me +that he has hanged a great many who never expected it. If I were to +be asked to make all the laws for this country, I certainly should +manage things in a very different manner; and I am glad to say that +I have legal authority on my side, for the lad who opens the door +at Mr. Adolphus’s chambers—with whom I am on terms of +the closest intimacy—thinks as I do upon every great question +of legal and constitutional policy. But this is “neither here +nor there,” as my publisher told me when I asked him for the +profits of my last book, and I shall therefore drop the +subject.</p> +<p>In speaking of eminent publishers, I must not forget to mention +Mr. Catnach, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for having been the +first to introduce me to the literary career I have since so +successfully followed. I believe I was the first who carried into +effect Mr. Catnach’s admirable idea of having the last dying +speeches all struck off on the night before an execution, so as to +get them into the hands of the public as early as possible. It was, +moreover, my own suggestion to stereotype one speech, to be used on +all occasions; and I also must claim the merit of having +recommended the fixing a man’s head at the top of the +document as “a portrait of the murderer.” Catnach and I +have always been on the best of terms, but he is naturally rather +angry that I have not always published with him, which he +thinks—and many others tell me the same thing—I always +should have done. At all events, Catnach has not much right to +complain, for he has on two occasions wholly repainted his +shop-shutters from effusions of mine; and I know that he has +greatly extended his toy and marble business through the profits of +a poetical version of the fate of Fauntleroy, which was very +popular in its day, and which I wrote for him.</p> +<p>I have never until lately had much to do with Pitts, of Seven +Dials; but I have found him an intelligent tradesman, and a very +spirited publisher. He undertook to get out in five days a new +edition of the celebrated pennyworth of poetry, known some time +back, and still occasionally met with, as the “Three Yards of +Popular Songs,” which were all selected by me, and for which +I chose every one of the vignettes that were prefixed to them. I +have had extensive dealings both with Pitts and Catnach; and in +comparing the two men, I should say one was the Napoleon of +literature, the other the Mrs. Fry. Catnach is all for dying +speeches and executions, while Pitts is peculiarly partial to +poetry. Pitts, for instance, has printed thousands of “My +Pretty Jane,” while Catnach had the execution of Frost all in +type for many months before his trial. It is true that Frost never +was hanged, but Blakesley was; and the public, to whom the document +was issued when the latter event occurred, had nothing to do but to +bear in mind the difference of the names, and the account would do +as well for one as for the other. Catnach has been blamed for this; +but it will not be expected that <em>I</em> shall censure any one +for the grossest literary quackery.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ACTIVE BENEVOLENCE.</h3> +<p>The success of the Polish Ball has induced some humane +individuals to propose that a similar festival should take place +for the relief of the distressed Spitalfields weavers. We like the +notion of a charitable quadrille—or a benevolent waltz; and +it delights us to see a philanthropic design <em>set on foot</em>, +through the medium of a gallopade. A dance which has for its object +the putting of bread in the mouths of our fellow-creatures, may be +truly called</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-04.png"><img src= +"images/020-04.png" alt="Three buns with arms and legs do a dance." +id="img020-04" name="img020-04" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A-BUN-DANCE.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page232" name="page232"></a>[pg +232]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S STOMACHOLOGY.</h2> +<h3>LECTURE I.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/020-05.png"><img src= +"images/020-05.png" alt= +"A medieval man walks through a letter D towards a god-like figure." +id="img020-05" name="img020-05" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">D</span>octors Spurzheim and Gall have +acquired immense renown for their ingenious and plausible system of +phrenology. These eminent philosophers have by a novel and +wonderful process divided that which is indivisible, and parcelled +out the human mind into several small lots, which they call +“<em>organs</em>,” numbering and labelling them like +the drawers or bottles in a chemist’s shop; so that, should +any individual acquainted with the science of phrenology chance to +get into what is vulgarly termed “a row,” and being +withal of a meek and lamb like disposition, which prompts him +rather to trust to his heels than to his fists, he has only to +excite his organ of <em>combativeness</em> by scratching vigorously +behind his ear, and he will forthwith become bold as a lion, +valiant as a game-cock—in short, a very lad of +<em>whacks</em>, ready to fight the devil if he dared him. In like +manner, a constant irritation of the organ of <em>veneration</em> +on the top of his head will make him an accomplished courtier, and +imbue him with a profound respect for stars and coronets. Now if it +be possible—and that it is, no one will now attempt to +deny—to divide the brain into distinct faculties, why may not +the stomach, which, it has been admitted by the Lord Mayor and the +Board of Aldermen, is a far nobler organ than the brain,—why +may it not also possess several faculties? As we know that a +particular part of the brain is appropriated for the faculty of +<em>time</em>, another for that of <em>wit</em>, and so on, is it +not reasonable to suppose that there is a certain portion of the +stomach appropriated to the faculty of <em>roast beef</em>, another +for that of <em>devilled kidney</em> and so forth?</p> +<p>It may be said that the stomach is a single organ, and therefore +incapable of performing more than one function. As well might it be +asserted that it was a steam-engine, with a single furnace +consuming Whitehaven, Scotch, or Newcastle coals indiscriminately. +The fact is, the stomach is not a single organ, but in reality a +congeries of organs, each receiving its own proper kind of aliment, +and developing itself by outward bumps and prominences, which +indicate with amazing accuracy the existence of the particular +faculty to which it has been assigned.</p> +<p>It is upon these facts that I have founded my system of +Stomachology; and contemplating what has been done, what is doing, +and what is likely to be done, in the analogous science of +phrenology, I do not despair of seeing the human body mapped out, +and marked all over with faculties, feelings, propensities, and +powers, like a tattooed New Zealander. The study of anatomy will +then be entirely superseded, and the scientific world would be +guided, as the fashionable world is now, entirely by externals.</p> +<p>The circumstances which led me to the discovery of this +important constitution of the stomach were partly accidental, and +partly owing to my own intuitive sagacity. I had long observed that +Judy, “my soul’s far dearer part,” entertained a +decided partiality for a leg of pork and pease-pudding—to +which <em>I</em> have a positive dislike. On extending my +observations, I found that different individuals were characterised +by different tastes in food, and that one man liked mint sauce with +his roast lamb, while others detested it. I discovered also that in +most persons there is a predominance of some particular organ over +the surrounding ones, in which case a corresponding external +protuberance may be looked for, which indicates the gastronomic +character of the individual. This rule, however, is not absolute, +as the prominence of one faculty may be modified by the influence +of another; thus the faculty of <em>ham</em> may be modified by +that of <em>roast veal</em>, or the desire to indulge in a +sentiment for an <em>omelette</em> may be counteracted by a +propensity for a <em>fricandeau</em>, or by the regulating power of +a <em>Strasbourg pie</em>. The activity of the <em>omelette</em> +emotion is here not abated; the result to which it would lead, is +merely modified.</p> +<p>It would be tedious to detail the successive steps of my +inquiries, until I had at last ascertained distinctly that the +power of the eating faculties is, <em>cæteris paribus</em>, +in proportion to the size of those compartments in the stomach by +which they are manifested. I propose at a future time to explain my +system more fully, and shall conclude my present lecture by giving +a list of the organs into which I have classified the stomach, +according to my most careful observations.</p> +<ul> +<li>CLASS I.—SUSTAINING FACULTIES. +<ol> +<li>—Bread (<em>French rolls</em>).</li> +<li>—Water (<em>doubtful</em>).</li> +<li>—Beef (<em>including rump-steaks</em>).</li> +<li>—Mutton (<em>legs thereof</em>).</li> +<li>—Veal (<em>stuffed fillet of the same</em>).</li> +<li>—Bacon (<em>including pork-chops and sausages</em>).</li> +</ol> +</li> +<li>CLASS II.—SENTIMENTS OR AFFECTIONS. +<ol start="7"> +<li>—Fowl.</li> +<li>—Fish.</li> +<li>—Game.</li> +<li>—Soup.</li> +<li>—Plum-pudding.</li> +<li>—Pastry.</li> +</ol> +</li> +<li>CLASS III.—SUPERIOR SENTIMENTS. +<ol start="13"> +<li>—Sauces.</li> +<li>—Fruit.</li> +</ol> +</li> +<li>CLASS IV.—INTELLECTUAL TASTES. +<ol start="15"> +<li>—Olives.</li> +<li>—Caviare.</li> +<li>—Turtle.</li> +<li>—Curries.</li> +<li>—Gruyère Cheese.</li> +<li>—French Wines.</li> +<li>—Italian Salads.</li> +<li>— ——</li> +</ol> +</li> +</ul> +<p>Of the last organ I have not been able to discover the function; +it is probably miscellaneous, and disposes of all that is not +included in the others.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p class="cen">(<em>By the Reporter of the Court Journal.</em>)</p> +<p>Yesterday Paddy Green, Esq. gave a grand <em>déjeuner +à la fourchette</em> to a distinguished party of friends, at +his house in Vere-street. Amongst the guests we noticed Charles +Mears, J.M., Mister Jim Connell, Bill Paul, Deaf Burke, Esq., Jerry +Donovan, M.P.R., Herr Von Joel, &c. &c. Mister Jim Connell +and Jerry Donovan went the “<em>odd man</em>” who +should stand glasses round. The favourite game of +<em>shove-halfpenny</em> was kept up till a late hour, when the +party broke up highly delighted.</p> +<p>A great party mustered on Friday last, in the New Cut, to hear +Mr. Briggles chant a new song, written on the occasion of the birth +of the young Prince. He was accompanied by his friend Mr. Handel +Purcell Mozart Muggins on the drum and mouth-organ, who afterwards +went round with his hat.</p> +<p>On Friday the lady of Paddy Green paid a morning call to Clare +Market, at the celebrated tripe shop; she purchased two slices of +canine comestibles which she carried home on a skewer.</p> +<p>Mrs. Paddy Green on Wednesday visited Mrs. Joel, to take tea. +She indulged in two crumpets and a dash of rum in the congou. It is +confidently reported that on Wednesday next Mrs. Joel will pay a +visit to Mrs. G. at her residence in Vere-street, to supper; after +which Mr. Paddy Green will leave for his <em>seat</em> in +Maiden-lane.</p> +<p>Jeremiah Donovan, it is stated, is negotiating for the +three-pair back room in Surrey, late the residence of Charles +Mears, J.M.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>FROM THE LONDON GAZETTE, Nov. 16th.</h3> +<h4>PROMOTIONS.—POST OFFICE.</h4> +<ul> +<li style="padding-left:3em;text-indent:-3em;">1st Body of General +Postmen—Timothy Sneak, to Broad-street bell and bag, vice +Jabez Broadfoot, who retires into the chandlery line.</li> +<li style="padding-left:3em;text-indent:-3em;">1st Body of General +Postmen—Horatio Squint to Lincoln’s-Inn bell and bag, +vice Timothy Sneak.</li> +<li style="padding-left:3em;text-indent:-3em;">1st Body of General +Postmen—Felix Armstrong to Bedford-square bell and bag, vice +Horatio Squint.</li> +<li style="padding-left:3em;text-indent:-3em;">1st Body of General +Postmen—Josiah Claypole (from the body of letter-sorters) to +Tottenham-Court-road bell and bag, vice Felix Armstrong. N.B. This +deserving young man is indebted to his promotion for detecting a +brother letter-sorter appropriating the contents of a penny letter +to his own uses, at the precise time that the said Josiah Claypole +had his eye on it, for reasons best known to himself. The +twopenny-postmen are highly incensed at this unheard-of and +unprecedented passing them over; and great fears are entertained of +their resignation.</li> +</ul> +<hr /> +<h3>FRENCH LIVING.</h3> +<p>“Pa,” said an interesting little Polyglot, down in +the West, with his French Rudiments before him, “why should +one egg be sufficient for a dozen men’s +breakfasts?”—“Can’t say, +child.”—“Because <em>un œuf</em>—is +as good as a feast.”—“Stop that boy’s grub, +mother, and save it at once; he’s too clever to live much +longer.”</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page233" name="page233"></a>[pg +233]</span> +<h3>HINTS ON POPPING THE QUESTION.</h3> +<div class="note"> +<p><em>To the bashful, the hesitating, and the ignorant, the +following hints may prove useful</em>.</p> +</div> +<p>If you call on the “loved one,” and observe that she +blushes when you approach, give her hand a gentle squeeze, and if +she returns it, consider it “all right”—get the +parents out of the room, sit down on the sofa beside the +“must adorable of her sex”—talk of the joys of +wedded life. If she appears pleased, rise, seem excited, and at +once ask her to say the important, the life-or-death-deciding, the +suicide-or-happiness-settling question. If she pulls out her +cambric, be assured you are accepted. Call her “My darling +Fanny!”—“My own dear creature!”—and a +few such-like names, and this completes the scene. Ask her to name +the day, and fancy yourself already in Heaven.</p> +<p>A good plan is to call on the “object of your +affections” in the forenoon—propose a walk—mamma +consents, in the hope you will declare your intentions. Wander +through the green fields—talk of “love in a +cottage,”—“requited attachment”—and +“rural felicity.” If a child happens to pass, of course +intimate your fondness for the dear little creatures—this +will be a splendid hit. If the coast is clear, down you must fall +on your knee, right or left (there is no rule as to this), and +swear never to rise until she agrees to take you “for better +and for worse.” If, however, the grass is wet, and you have +white ducks on, or if your unmentionables are tightly made—of +course you must pursue another plan—say, vow you will blow +your brains out, or swallow arsenic, or drown yourself, if she +won’t say “yes.”</p> +<p>If you are at a ball, and your charmer is there, captivating all +around her, get her into a corner, and “pop the +question.” Some delay until after supper, but “delays +are dangerous”—Round-hand copy.</p> +<p>A young lady’s “tears,” when accepting you, +mean “I am too happy to speak.” The dumb show of +staring into each other’s faces, squeezing fingers, and +sighing, originated, we have reason to believe, with the ancient +Romans. It is much practised now-a-days—as saving breath, and +being more lover-like than talking.</p> +<p>We could give many more valuable hints, but Punch has something +better to do than to teach ninnies the art of amorifying.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP.</h2> +<h3>SIP THE SECOND.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Now harems being very lonely places,</p> +<p class="i2">Hemm’d in with bolts and bars on every +side,</p> +<p>The fifty-two who shared Te-pott’s embraces</p> +<p class="i2">Were glad to see a stranger, though a +bride—</p> +<p>And so received her with their gentlest graces,</p> +<p class="i2">And questions—though the questions are +implied,</p> +<p>For ladies, from Great Britain to the Tropics,</p> +<p>Are very orthodox in their choice of topics.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>They ask’d her, who was married? who was dead?</p> +<p class="i2">What were the newest things in silks and ivories?</p> +<p>And had Y—Y—, who had eloped with Z—,</p> +<p class="i2">Been yet forgiven? and <em>had</em> she seen his +liveries?</p> +<p>And weren’t they something between grey and red?</p> +<p class="i2">And hadn’t Z’s papa refused to give her +his?</p> +<p>So Hy-son told them everything she knew</p> +<p>And all was very well a day or two.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But, when the Multifarious forsook</p> +<p class="i2">Bo-hea, Pe-koe, and Wiry-leaf’d +Gun-pow-der,</p> +<p>To revel in the lip and sunny look</p> +<p class="i2">Of the young stranger; spite of all they’d +vow’d her,</p> +<p>The ladies each with jealous anger shook,</p> +<p class="i2">And rail’d against the simple maid +aloud—Ah!</p> +<p>This woman’s pride is a fine thing to tell us +of—</p> +<p>But a small matter serves her to be jealous of.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>One said she was indecorously florid—</p> +<p class="i2">One thought “she only squinted, nothing +more—”</p> +<p>A third, convulsively pronounced her “horrid +“—</p> +<p class="i2">While Bo-hea, who was <em>low</em> (at +four-and-four),</p> +<p>Glanced from her fingers up at Hy-son’s forehead,</p> +<p class="i2">Who, inkling such a tendency before,</p> +<p>Cared for no rival’s nails—but paid—I own,</p> +<p>Particular attention to her own.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Well, this was bad enough; but worse than this</p> +<p class="i2">Were the attentions of our ancient hero,</p> +<p>Whose frequent vow, and frequenter caress,</p> +<p class="i2">Unwelcome were for any one to hear, who</p> +<p>Had charms for better pleasure than a kiss</p> +<p class="i2">From feeble dotard ten degrees from zero.</p> +<p>So, as one does when circumstances harass one,</p> +<p>Hy-son began to draw up a comparison.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Was ever maiden so abused as I am?</p> +<p class="i2">Teazed into such a marriage—then to be</p> +<p>Dosed with my husband twenty times <em>per diem</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">With <em>repetetur haustus</em> after tea!</p> +<p>And, if he should die, what can I get by him?</p> +<p class="i2">A jointure’s nothing among fifty-three!</p> +<p>I’m meek enough—but this I can <em>not</em> +bear—</p> +<p>I wish: I wish:—I wish a girl might swear!”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In such a mood, she—(stop! I’ll mend my pen;</p> +<p class="i2">For now all our preliminaries <em>are</em> done,</p> +<p>And I am come unto the crisis, when</p> +<p class="i2">Her fate depends on a kind reader’s +pardon)—</p> +<p>Wandering forth beyond the ladies’ ken,</p> +<p class="i2">She thought she spied a male face in the +garden—</p> +<p>She hasten’d thither—she was not mistaken,</p> +<p>For sure enough, a man was there a-raking.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man complete he was who own’d the visage,</p> +<p class="i2">A man of thirty-three, or may-be longer—</p> +<p>So young, she could not well distinguish his age—</p> +<p class="i2">So old, she knew he had one day been younger.</p> +<p>Now thirty-three, although a very nice age,</p> +<p class="i2">Is not so nice as twenty, twenty-one, or</p> +<p>So; but of lovers when a lady’s caught one,</p> +<p>She seldom stops to stipulate what sort o’ one.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Now, the first moment Hy-son saw the gardener—</p> +<p class="i2">A gardener, by his tools and dress she +knew—</p> +<p>She felt her bosom round her heart in a—</p> +<p class="i2">A—just as if her heart was breaking +through;</p> +<p>And so she blush’d, and hoped that he would pardon her</p> +<p class="i2">Intruding on his grounds—“so nice they +grew!—</p> +<p>Such roses! what a pink!—and then that peony;</p> +<p>Might she die if she ever look’d to see any!”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The gardener offer’d her a budding rose:</p> +<p class="i2">She took it with a smile, and colour’d +high;</p> +<p>While, as she gave its fragrance to her nose,</p> +<p class="i2">He took the opportunity to sigh.</p> +<p>And Hy-son’s cheek blush’d like the daylight’s +close!</p> +<p class="i2">She glanced around to see that none were nigh,</p> +<p>Then sigh’d again and thought, “Although a +peasant,</p> +<p>His manners are refined, and really pleasant.”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>They stood each looking in the other’s eyes,</p> +<p class="i2">Till Hy-son dropp’d her gaze, and +then—good lack</p> +<p>Love is a cunning chapman: smiles, and sighs.</p> +<p class="i2">And tears, the choicest treasures in his pack!</p> +<p>Still barters he such baubles for the prize,</p> +<p class="i2">Which all regret when lost, yet can’t get +back—</p> +<p>The heart—a useful matter in a bosom—</p> +<p>Though some folks won’t believe it till they lose +’em.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Love can say much, yet not a word be spoken.</p> +<p class="i2">Straight, as a wasp careering staid to sip</p> +<p>The dewy rose she held, the gardener’s token,</p> +<p class="i2">He, seizing on her hand, with hasty grip,</p> +<p>The stem sway’d earthward with its blossom, broken.</p> +<p class="i2">The gardener raised her hand unto his lip,</p> +<p>And kiss’d it—when a rough voice, hoarse with +halloas,</p> +<p>Cried, “Harkye’ fellow! I’ll permit no +followers!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—No. 11</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The lists were made—the trumpet’s blast</p> +<p class="i2">Rang pealing through the air.</p> +<p>My ’squire made lace and rivet fast</p> +<p class="i2">And brought my tried <em>destrerre</em>.</p> +<p>I rode where sat fair Isidore</p> +<p class="i2">Inez Mathilde Borghese;</p> +<p>From spur to crest she scann’d me o’er,</p> +<p class="i2">Then said “He’s not the +cheese!”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O, Mary mother! how burn’d my cheek!</p> +<p class="i2">I proudly rode away;</p> +<p>And vow’d “Woe’s his I who dares to break</p> +<p class="i2">A lance with me to-day!”</p> +<p>I won the prize! (Revenge is sweet,</p> +<p class="i2">I thought me of a <em>ruse</em>;)</p> +<p>I laid it at her rival’s feet,</p> +<p class="i2">And thus I cook’d her goose.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SIBTHORP’S CORNER.</h3> +<p>What difference is there between a farrier and Dr. +Locock?—Because the one is a <em>horse-shoer</em>, and the +other is <em>a-cow-shoer</em>. (accoucheur).</p> +<p>Why is the Prince of Wales Duke of Cornwall?—Because he is +a <em>minor</em>.</p> +<p>“Bar that,” as the Sheriff’s Officer said to +his first-floor window.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page234" name="page234"></a>[pg +234]</span> +<h2>KINGS AND CARPENTERS.—ROYAL AND VULGAR CONSPIRATORS.</h2> +<p>In a manuscript life of <em>Jemmy Twitcher</em>—the work +will shortly appear under the philosophical auspices of SIR LYTTON +BULWER—we find a curious circumstance, curiously paralleled +by a recent political event. <em>Jemmy</em> had managed to pass +himself off as a shrewd, cunning, but withal very honest sort of +fellow; he was, nevertheless, in heart and soul, a housebreaker of +the first order. One night, <em>Jemmy</em> quitted his respectable +abode, and, furnished with dark lantern, pistol, crowbar, and +crape, joined half-a-dozen neophyte burglars—his pupils and +his victims. The hostelry chosen for attack was “The +Spaniards.” The host and his servants were, however, on the +alert; and, after a smart struggle in the passage, the +housebreakers were worsted; two or three of them being killed, and +the others—save and except the cautious <em>Jemmy</em>, who +had only directed the movement from without—being fast in the +clutches of the constables. <em>Jemmy</em>, flinging away his crape +and his crowbar, ran home to his house—he was then living +somewhere in Petty France—went to bed, and the next morning +appeared as snug and as respectable as ever to his neighbours. +Vehement was his disgust at the knaves killed and caught in the +attack on “The Spaniards;” and though there were not +wanting bold speakers, who averred that <em>Twitcher</em> was at +the bottom of the burglary, nevertheless, his grave look, and the +character he had contrived to piece together for honest dealing, +secured him from conviction.</p> +<p><em>Jemmy Twitcher</em> was what the world calls a warm fellow. +He had gold in his chest, silver tankards on his board, pictures on +his walls; and more, he had a fine family of promising +<em>Twitchers</em>. One night, greatly to his horror at the +iniquity of man, miscreants surrounded his dwelling and fired +bullets at his children. The villains were apprehended; and the +hair of <em>Jemmy</em>—who had evidently forgotten all about +the affair at “The Spaniards”—stood on end, as +the conspiracy of the villains was revealed, as it was shown how, +in anticipation of a wicked success, they had shared among them, +not only his gold and his tankards, but the money and plate of all +his honest neighbours. <em>Jemmy</em>, still forgetful of +“The Spaniards” cried aloud for justice and the +gibbet!</p> +<p>Have we not here the late revolution in Spain—the +QUENISSET conspiracy—and in the prime mover of the first, and +the intended victim of the second rascality, KING LOUIS-PHILIPPE, +the JEMMY TWITCHER OF THE FRENCH?</p> +<p>The commission recently appointed in France for the examination +of the Communists and Equalised Operatives, taken in connexion with +the recent bloodshed under French royal authority, is another of +the ten thousand illustrations of the peculiar morality of crowned +heads. Here is a sawyer, a cabinet-maker, a cobbler, and such sort, +all food for the guillotine for attempting to do no more than has +been most treacherously perpetrated by the present King of the +French and the ex-Queen of Spain. How is it that LOUIS-PHILIPPE +feels no touch of sympathy for that pusillanimous +scoundrel—<em>Just</em>? He is naturally his veritable +double; but then <em>Just</em> is only a carpenter, LOUIS-PHILIPPE +is King of the French!</p> +<p>The reader has only to read Madrid for Paris—has only to +consider the sawyer Quenisset (the poor tool, trapped by +<em>Just</em>), the murdered Don Leon, or any other of the gallant +foolish victims of the French monarchy in the late atrocity in +Spain, to see the moral identity of the scoundrel carpenter and the +rascal king. We quote from the report:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p><em>Quénisset</em> (alias DON LEON) +examined.—“<em>Just</em> said to me, pointing to the +body of officers, ‘You must fire <em>into the midst of +those</em>;’ I then drew the pistol from under my shirt, and +discharged it with my left hand <em>in the direction I was +desired</em>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>O’DONNELL, LEON, ORA, BORIA, FULGOSIO, drew their pistols +at the order of LOUIS-PHILIPPE and CHRISTINA, and merely fired in +the direction they were desired!</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Where was this society (the Ouvriers Egalitaires) +held?”—“Generally at the house of Colombier, +keeper of a wine-shop, Rue Traversière.”</p> +<p>“What formed the subject of discourse in these meetings, +when you were there?”—“<em>Different crimes</em>. +They talked of <em>overthrowing the throne, assassinating the +agents of the government—shedding blood, in +fact</em>!”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>For the Rue Traversière we have only to read the Rue de +Courcelles—for Colombier the wine seller, CHRISTINA ex-Queen +of Spain. As for the subject of discourse at her Majesty’s +hotel, events have bloodily proved that it was the overthrow of a +throne—the murder of the constituted authorities of +Spain—and, in the comprehensive meaning of +Quénisset—“shedding blood, in fact!” At +the wine-shop meetings the French conspirator tells us that there +was “an old man, a locksmith,” who would read +revolutionary themes, and “electrify the souls of the young +men about him!” The locksmith of the Rue de Courcelles was +the crafty, sanguinary policy of the monarch of the barricades. We +now come to MADAME COLOMBIER, <em>alias</em> QUEEN +CHRISTINA.—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Do you know whether your comrades had many +cartridges?”—“I do not know exactly what the +quantity was, but I heard a man say, and, Madame Colombier <em>also +boasted to another woman, that they had worked very hard, and for +some time past, at making cartridges</em>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Madame COLOMBIER, however, must cede in energy and boldness to +the reckless devilry of the Spanish ex-Queen; for the cartridges +manufactured by the wine-seller’s wife were not to be +discharged into the bed-room of her own infant daughters! They were +certain not to shed the blood of her own children. Now the +cartridges of the Rue de Courcelles were made for any service.</p> +<p>One more extract from the confessions of QUENISSET +(<em>alias</em> DON LEON):—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“At the corner of the Rue Traversière I saw Just, +Auguste, and several other young men, whom I had seen in the +morning receiving cartridges. Upon my asking whether the attack was +to be made, <em>Just answered, Yes</em>. He felt for his pistols; +my comrade got his ready under his blouse. I seized mine under my +shirt. Just called to me, ‘<em>There, there, it is there you +are to fire.’ I fired. I thought that all the others would do +the same; but they made me swallow the hook, and then left me to my +fate, the rascals!</em>”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Poor DON LEON! So far the parallel is complete. The pistol was +fired against Spanish liberty; and the royal Just, finding the +object missed, sneaks off, and leaves his dupe for the executioner. +There, however, the similitude fails. LOUIS-PHILIPPE sleeps in +safety—if, indeed, the ghosts of his Spanish victims let him +sleep at all; whilst for <em>Just</em>, the carpenter, he is marked +for the guillotine. Could Justice have her own, we should see the +King of the French at the bar of Spain; were the world guided by +abstract right, one fate would fall to the carpenter and the King. +History, however, will award his Majesty his just deserts. There is +a Newgate Calendar for Kings as well as for meaner culprits.</p> +<p>There are, it is said, at the present moment in France fifty +thousand communists; foolish, vicious men; many of them, doubtless, +worthy of the galleys; and many, for whom the wholesome discipline +of the mad-house would be at once the best remedy and punishment. +Fifty thousand men organised in societies, the object of which +is—what young France would denominate—philosophical +plunder; a relief from the canker-eating chains of matrimony; a +total destruction of all objects of art; and the common enjoyment +of stolen goods. It is against this unholy confederacy that the +moral force of LOUIS-PHILIPPE’S Government is opposed. It is +to put down and destroy these bands of social brigands that the +King of the French burns his midnight oil; and then, having +extirpated the robber and the anarchist from France, his +Majesty—for the advancement of political and social +freedom—would kidnap the baby-Queen of Spain and her sister, +to hold them as trump cards in the bloody game of revolution. That +LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the <em>Just</em> of Spain, can consign his +fellow-conspirator, the <em>Just</em> of Paris, to the scaffold, is +a grave proof that there is no honour among a certain set of +enterprising men, whom the crude phraseology of the world has +denominated thieves.</p> +<p>It is to make the blood boil in our veins to read the account of +the execution of such men as LEON, ORA, and BORIA, the foolish +martyrs to a wicked cause. Never was a great social wrong dignified +by higher courage. Our admiration of the boldness with which these +men have faced their fate is mingled with the deepest regret that +the prime conspirators are safe in Paris; that one sits in derision +of justice on fellow criminals—on men whose crime may have +some slight extenuation from ignorance, want, or fancied cause of +revenge; that the other, with the surpassing meekness of +Christianity, goes to mass in her carriage, distributes her alms to +the poor, and, with her soul dyed with the blood of the young, the +chivalrous, and the brave, makes mouths at Heaven in very mockery +of prayer.</p> +<p>We once were sufficiently credulous to believe in the honesty of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE; we sympathised with him as a bold, able, +high-principled man fighting the fight of good government against a +faction of smoke-headed fools and scoundrel desperadoes. He has +out-lived our good opinion—the good opinion of the world. He +is, after all, a lump of crowned vulgarity. Pity it is that men, +the trusting and the brave, are made the puppets, the martyrs, of +such regality!</p> +<p>As for Queen CHRISTINA, her path, if she have any touch of +conscience, must be dogged by the spectres of her dupes. She is the +Madame LAFFARGE of royalty; nay, worse—the incarnation of +Mrs. BROWNRIGG. Indeed, what JOHNSON applied to another less +criminal person may be justly dealt upon her:—“Sir, she +is not a woman, she is a speaking cat!”</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page235" name="page235"></a>[pg +235]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XX.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-06.png"><img src= +"images/020-06.png" alt= +"A group of men in military dress (including a fife and drum) have slogans like 'POPULARITY' and 'TAXES' and 'CORN LAWS' and 'JUST GIVE US TIME' written on them." +id="img020-06" name="img020-06" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE RECRUITING SERGEANT.</p> +<p>“LIST, WAKLEY! LIST!—”—<em>New +Shaksperian Readings</em>.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 236] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page237" name="page237"></a>[pg +237]</span> +<h2>HIS TURN NOW.</h2> +<div class="note"> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“They say the owl was a baker’s daughter.”</p> +<p>“Oh, how the wheel becomes +it.”—SHAKSPEARE.</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> +<p>That immense cigar, our mild Cavannah, has at length met with +his deserts, and left the sage savans of the fool’s hotbed, +London, the undisturbed possession of the diligently-achieved +fool’s-caps their extreme absurdity, egregious folly, and +lout-like gullibility, have so splendidly qualified them to +support.</p> +<p>This extraordinary and Heaven-gifted faster is at length laid by +the heels. The full blown imposition has exploded—the +wretched cheat is consigned to merited durance; while the +trebly-<em>gammoned</em> and unexampled spoons who were his willing +dupes are in full possession of the enviable notoriety necessarily +attendant upon their extreme amount of unmitigated folly.</p> +<p>This egregious liar and finger-post for thrice inoculated fools +set out upon a provincial “Starring and Starving +Expedition,” issuing bills, announcing his wish to be open to +public inspection, and delicately hinting the absolute necessity of +shelling-out the browns, as though he, Bernard Cavanagh, did not +eat, yet he had a brother “as did;” consequently, ways +and means for the establishment and continuance of a small +commissariat for the ungifted fraternal was delicately hinted at in +the various documents containing the pressing invitations to +“yokel population” to honour him with an +inspection.</p> +<p>Numerous were the visitors and small the contributions attendant +upon the circulation of these “documents in madness.” +Many men are rather notorious in our great metropolis for +“living upon nothing,” that is, existing without the +aid of such hard food as starved the ass-eared Midas; out these +gentlemen of invisible ways and means have a very decent notion of +employing four out of the twenty four hours in supplying their +internal economy with such creature comforts as, in days of yore, +disinherited Esau, and procured a somewhat gastronomic celebrity +for the far-famed Heliogabalus. But a gentleman who could treat his +stomach like a postponed bill in the House of Commons—that +is, adjourn it <em>sine die</em>, or take it into consideration +“this day seven years”—was really a likely person +to attract attention and excite curiosity: accordingly, Bernard +Cavanagh was questioned closely by some of his visitors; but he, +like the speculation, appeared to be “one not likely to +answer.”</p> +<p>Apparent efforts at concealment invariably lead to doubt, and, +doubt engendering curiosity, is very like to undergo, especially +from one of the fair sex, a scrutiny of the most searching kind. +Eve caused the fall of Adam—a daughter of Eve has discovered +and crushed this heretofore hidden mystery. This peculiarly +<em>empty</em> individual was discovered by the good +lady—despite the disguise of a black patch upon his nose and +an immeasurable outspread of Bandana superficially covering that +(as he asserted) useless orifice, his mouth—sneaking into the +far-off premises of a miscellaneous vendor of ready-dressed +eatables; and there Bernard the faster—the anti-nourishment +and terrestrial food-defying wonder—the certificated of +Heaven knows how many deacons, parsons, physicians, and +fools—demanded the very moderate allowance for his breakfast +of a twopenny loaf, a sausage, and a quarter of a pound of ham +<em>cut fat</em>: that’s the beauty of it—cut fat! The +astonished witness of this singular purchase rushed at once to the +hotel: Cavanagh might contain the edibles, she could not: the +affair was blown; an investigation very properly adjudicated upon +the case; and three months’ discipline at the tread-mill is +now the reward of this arch-impostor’s merits. So far so +good; but in the name of common sense let some experienced +practitioner in the art of “cutting for the simples” be +furnished with a correct list of the awful asses he has cozened at +“hood-man blind;” and pray Heaven they may each and +severally be operated on with all convenient speed!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“SLUMBER, MY DARLING.”</h3> +<p>During the vacation, the Judges’ bench in each of the +Courts at Westminster Hall has been furnished with luxurious +air-cushions, and heated with the warm-air apparatus. Baron Parke +declares that the Bench is now really a snug berth,—and, +during one of Sergeant Bompas’s long speeches, a most +desirable place for taking</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-07.png"><img src= +"images/020-07.png" alt= +"A man sits in a chair at a table, where a spider web connects his nose to a bottle and a cup." +id="img020-07" name="img020-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A SOUND NAP.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>A FAMILIAR EPISTLE</h2> +<h5>FROM</h5> +<h3>JOHN STUMP, ESQ., POET LAUREATE TO THE BOROUGH OF +GRUB-CUM-GUZZLE,</h3> +<h5>TO</h5> +<h3>SIMON NIBB, ESQ., COMMON-COUNCIL-MAN OF THE SAID BOROUGH,</h3> +<h4><em>Setting forth a notable Plan for the better management +of</em></h4> +<h3>RAILWAY DIRECTORS.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza">DEAR SIMON,</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">If I were a Parliament man,</p> +<p>I’d make a long speech, and I’d bring in a plan,</p> +<p>And prevail on the House to support a new clause</p> +<p>In the very first chapter of Criminal Laws!</p> +<p>But, to guard against getting too nervous or low</p> +<p>(For my speech you’re aware would be then a no-go),</p> +<p>I’d attack, ere I went, some two bottles of Sherry,</p> +<p>And chaunt all the way Row di-dow +di-down-derry!<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. The exact tune +of this interesting song it has not been in our power to +discover—it is, however, undoubtedly a truly national +melody.</span></p> +<p>Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm),</p> +<p>I’d clear out my throat and pronounce a loud +“Hem!”</p> +<p>(So th’ appearance of summer’s preceded by +swallows,)</p> +<p>Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:—</p> +<p>“Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws”</p> +<p>(Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause)</p> +<p>Is such as demands our most serious attention,</p> +<p>And strong reprobation, and quick intervention.”</p> +<p>(This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion,</p> +<p>Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.)</p> +<p>“Though the traitor’s obligingly eased of his +head—</p> +<p>Though a Wilde<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. After due +inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the individual here +mentioned is <em>not</em> H.M.’s late Solicitor-General, but +one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose history <em>vide</em> Jack +Sheppard.</span> to the dark-frowning gallows is led—</p> +<p>Tho’ the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent +hence</p> +<p>Beyond the blue wave, at his country’s expense!—</p> +<p>Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me</p> +<p>The state of the law in this ‘<em>Land of the +free</em>’”—</p> +<p>(Speak these words in a manner most zealous and +fervid)—</p> +<p>That there’s no law for those who most richly deserve +it!</p> +<p>Yes, Sir, ’tis a fact not less true than +astounding—</p> +<p>A fact—to the wise with instruction abounding,</p> +<p>That those who the face of the country destroy,</p> +<p>And hurl o’er the best scenes of Nature alloy—</p> +<p>Who Earth’s brightest portions cut through at a +dash—</p> +<p>Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash”—</p> +<p>(I don’t dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle</p> +<p>Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)—</p> +<p>“Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature’s +dissectors,</p> +<p>Meet with no just reward—these same Railway +Directors!”</p> +<p>I’ve not mentioned the “Laughters,” the +“Bravos,” the “Hears,”</p> +<p>“Agitations,” “Sensations,” and +“Deafening Cheers,”</p> +<p>Which of course would attend a speech <em>so</em> patriotic,</p> +<p>So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic!</p> +<p>In this style I’d proceed, ’till I’d proved to +the House</p> +<p>That these railways, in fact, were a national +<em>chouse</em>,</p> +<p>And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her,</p> +<p>Would be—<em>to hang daily a Railway Director!</em></p> +<p><em>Of course</em> the Hon. Members could ne’er have a +thought</p> +<p>Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught;</p> +<p>But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation<span class= +"sidenote">⎫</span></p> +<p>A project so teeming with consideration,<span class= +"sidenote">⎬</span></p> +<p>As a model of justice, a boon to the nation!<span class= +"sidenote">⎭</span></p> +<p>Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man,</p> +<p>The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan!</p> +<p>But my rushlight is drooping—so trusting diurnally,</p> +<p>To hear your opinion—believe me eternally</p> +<p>(Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump)</p> +<p>Your obedient,</p> +<p class="i10">devoted,</p> +<p class="cen">admiring,</p> +<p class="rgt">JOHN STUMP.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page238" name="page238"></a>[pg +238]</span> +<h2>PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS;</h2> +<h3>OR, YOUNG JOKER’S BEST COMPANION.</h3> +<div class="note"> +<p>“All the world’s a joke, and all the men and women +merely jokers.”—<em>Shakspeare</em>. From the text of +Joseph Miller.</p> +</div> +<p>Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict +attention of the reading public to the following brief prospectus +of their forthcoming work “On Jokes for all subjects.” +Messrs. GAG and GAMMON pledge themselves to produce an article at +present unmatched for application and originality, upon such terms +as must secure them the patronage and lasting gratitude of their +many admirers. Messrs. GAG and GAMMON propose dividing their +highly-seasoned and warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal +facetiæ into the following various heads, departments, or +classes:—</p> +<p>General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to +individuals’ names, expressive of peculiar colours.</p> +<p>A very superior article on <em>Browns</em>—if required, +bringing in said Browns in Black and White.</p> +<p>Embarrassed do., very humorous, with <em>Duns</em>; and a choice +selection of unique references to the copper coin of the realm. +Worthy the attention of young beginners, and very safe for small +country towns, with one wit possessed of a good horse-laugh for his +own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.’s jokes.</p> +<p>Do. do. on <em>Greens</em>, very various: bring in <em>Sap</em> +superbly, and <em>Pea</em> with peculiar power; with a short cut to +<em>Lettus (Lettuce)</em>, and Hanson’s Patent +Safety,—a beautiful allusion to the “Cab-age.” +May be tried when there is an attorney and young doctor, with a +perfect certainty of success.</p> +<p>Do. do. do. On <em>Wiggins</em>; very pungent, suitable to the +present political position; offering a beautiful contrast of +Wig-<em>ins</em> and Wig-<em>outs</em>; capable of great +ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in a half +whisper in mixed society.</p> +<p>Also some “Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces +for all Joints.”</p> +<p><em>Calves-head</em>.—Brings in fellow-feeling; family +likeness; cannibalism; +“tête-à-tête”; while the brain sauce +and tongue are never-failing.</p> +<p><em>Goose</em>.—Same as above, with allusions to the +“sage;” two or three that <em>stick in the +gizzard</em>; and a beautiful work up with a “long +liver.”</p> +<p><em>Ducks</em>.—Very military: bring in <em>drill</em>; +drumsticks; breastwork; and pair of ducks for light clothing and +summer wear.</p> +<p><em>Snipes</em>.—Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; +“Toast be dear Woman.” Mercantile; run on banks. And +infants; living on suction.</p> +<p><em>Herring</em>.—Capital for <em>bride</em>: +<em>her-ring</em>; petticoats, flannel and otherwise, +<em>herring-boned</em>. Fat people; <em>bloaters</em>; &c. +&c. &c.</p> +<p><em>Venison</em>.—Superior, for offering everybody some of +your sauce. Sad subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave +eye (<em>gravy</em>). Wish your friends might always give you such +<em>a cut</em>. &c. &c. &c.</p> +<p><em>Port</em>.—Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; +flies out of glass because of the “bee’s wing.” +Always happy to become a <em>porter</em> on such occasions; object +to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a bottle; +comes from a good “cellar” and a good buyer, though no +wish to be a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful +leading cues, and really with two or three rehearsals the very best +things ever done.</p> +<p><em>Sherry</em>.—“Do you sherry?” “Not +just yet.” “Rather unlucky, <em>white whining</em>: +like a bottle of port; but no objection to <em>share he</em>. Hope +never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done +Brown.”</p> +<p>N.B.—After an election dinner, any of the above valued at +a six weeks’ invitation from any voter under the influence of +his third bottle; and absolute reversion of the chair, when +original chairman disappears under table.</p> +<p><em>Champagne</em>.—Real pleasure (quite new—never +thought of before)—must be <em>Wright’s</em>; nothing +<em>left</em> about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, getting +drunk with pheasant’s eye. What gender’s wine? <em>Why +hen’s</em> feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not +quite compact.</p> +<p><em>Hock</em>.—Hic, hec, do.</p> +<p><em>Hugeous</em>.—Glass by all means (<em>very new</em>); +never could decline it, &c. &c. &c.</p> +<p><em>Dessert</em>.—Wish every one had it; join hands with +<em>ladies’ fingers</em> and bishops’ thumbs: Prince +Albert and Queen very choice “Windsor pairs;” medlars; +unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be cracked; +disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. +&c.</p> +<p>The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke +manufactory of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the +powerful and prolific steam-joke double-action press. They are all +warranted of the very best quality, and last date.</p> +<p>Old jokes taken in exchange—of course allowing a liberal +per-centage.</p> +<p>Gentlemen’s own materials made up in the most superior +style, and at the very shortest notice.</p> +<p>Election squibs going off—a decided sacrifice of splendid +talent.</p> +<p>Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on +hand.</p> +<p>Laughs taught in six lessons.</p> +<p>A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just +completed.</p> +<p>A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George +Robins on the 1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by +private contract.</p> +<p>N.B.—Well worthy the attention of sporting and other +punsters.</p> +<p>Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled “How to +Laugh, and what to Laugh at.”</p> +<p>For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and +second-hand depôt for gentlemen’s left-off +facetiæ, Monmouth-street; and at their West-end +establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to Mr. +Catnach, Seven-dials.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>VERSES</h3> +<h4>ON MISS CHAPLIN—</h4> +<h4>AND THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad,</p> +<p class="i2">With lofty hexameters grapplin’,</p> +<p>My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad,</p> +<p class="i2">For ’tis all about Ellena Chaplin!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees</p> +<p class="i2">To inspire his romantical nap. Lin</p> +<p>Ne’er saw such a charming celestial Chinese</p> +<p class="i2">“Maid of Honour” as Ellena Chaplin.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou hast an infallible trap lain—</p> +<p>For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss;</p> +<p class="i2">As thou provest—with Ellena Chaplin.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>E’en the water wherein (in “Die Hexen am +Rhein”)</p> +<p class="i2">She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin-</p> +<p>Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch’d into wine,</p> +<p class="i2">When duck’d in by Ellena Chaplin.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A fortunate blade will be he can persuade</p> +<p class="i2">This nymph to some church or some chap’l +in,—</p> +<p>And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid</p> +<p class="i2">Of the theatre—Ellena Chaplin!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h3> +<p>The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready +to turn a penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of +North American Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the +ensuing winter. In pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at +the Court of Chancery to purchase the “530 suits, including +40 removed from the ‘Equity Exchequer,’ which occupy +the cause list for the present term.” Upon the discovery of +his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-08.png"><img src= +"images/020-08.png" alt="A boy walks to school." id="img020-08" +name="img020-08" width="50%" /></a> +<p>GOING TO BRIGHTEN.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS.</h3> +<table summary="New Annuals and Republications" style= +"width:80%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" style="text-align:center;padding-top:1em;"> +ANNUALS.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td width="60%">FORGET-ME-NOT</td> +<td>Dedicated to the “Irish Pisantry.” By Mayor Dan +O’Connell.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>FRIENDSHIP’S OFFERING</td> +<td>Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the <em>Times</em>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>THE BOOK OF BEAUTY</td> +<td>Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>THE JUVENILE ANNUAL</td> +<td>Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to Prince Albert</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" style="text-align:center;padding-top:1em;"> +REPUBLICATIONS.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>ON NOSOLOGY</td> +<td>By the Duke of Wellington and Lord Brougham.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE</td> +<td>By W. Gibson Craig, M.P.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>COOPER’S DEAR-SLAYER</td> +<td>By Lord Palmerston.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr /> +<h3>DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS.</h3> +<p>Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by +mysterious rumours concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was +said, had been discovered at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed +to enclose these costly gems being solemnly opened, it was found to +contain nothing but an antique pair of false promises, set in +copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; and a bloodstone +amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of Wellington. The +box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and sealed +with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being “<em>Requiscat +in Pace</em>.”</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page239" name="page239"></a>[pg +239]</span> +<h3>SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY.</h3> +<p>We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the +Duke of Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting +to his Royal Highness.</p> +<p>The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John +Key, Colonel Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord +Ashburton, and Sir E.L. Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with +his Royal Highness, who received them in “full cry,” +and was graciously pleased to confer on our Sir Peter extraordinary +proofs of his royal condescension. The distinguished party +afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with the +nursery-maids.</p> +<p>Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is +not the individual of that name who has been appointed monthly +nurse in the Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought +to have entitled him to a preference.</p> +<p>The captain of the <em>Britannia</em> states that he fell in +with two large whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. +There is every reason to believe they were coming up the Thames to +offer their congratulations to the future Prince of +<em>Whales</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE REWARD OF VIRTUE.</h3> +<p>We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the +Freedom of the Barber’s Company, enclosed in a pewter +shaving-box of the value of fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a +medallion of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-09.png"><img src= +"images/020-09.png" alt="A rabbit sits next to a baby's basket." +id="img020-09" name="img020-09" width="50%" /></a> +<p>THE HARE A PARENT.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the +customary honour upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the +birth of a male heir to the throne, in consequence of the Prince +being born on the day on which the late Mayor went out and the +present one came into office. Sir Peter Laurie suggests that a +petition be presented to the Queen, praying that her Majesty may +(in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward dilemma) be +pleased in future to</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-10.png"><img src= +"images/020-10.png" alt= +"A shopwoman yells after a boy running with a box marked 'Dates'." +id="img020-10" name="img020-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>MIND HER DATES.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>COURT AND CITY.</h3> +<p>The other evening, the public were put in possession, at Covent +Garden Theatre, of a new branch of art in play concoction, which +may be called “dramatic distillation.” By this process +the essence of two or more old comedies is extracted; their +characters and plots amalgamated; and the whole +“rectified” by the careful expunction of equivocal +passages. Finally, the <em>drame</em> is offered to the public in +<em>act</em>ive potions; five of which are a dose.</p> +<p>The forgotten plays put into the still on this occasion were +“The Discovery,” by Mrs. Frances Sheridan, and +“The Tender Husband,” by Sir Richard Steele. From one, +that portion which relates to the “City,” is taken; the +“Court” end of the piece belonging to the other. In +fact, even in their modern dress, they are two distinct dramas, +only both are played at once—a wholesome economy being thus +exercised over time, actors, scenery, and decorations: the only +profusion required is in the article of patience, of which the +audience must be very liberal.</p> +<p>The courtiers consist of <em>Lord Dangerfield</em>, who +although, or—to speak in a sense more strictly +domestic—because, he has got a wife of his own, falls in love +with the young spouse of young <em>Lord Whiffle</em>; then there is +<em>Sir Paladin Scruple</em>, who, having owned to eighteen +separate tender declarations during fourteen years, dangles after +<em>Mrs. Charmington</em>, an enchanting widow, and <em>Louisa +Dangerfield</em>, an insipid spinster, the latter being in love +with his son.</p> +<p>The citizens consist of the <em>famille Bearbinder</em>, parents +and daughter, together with <em>Sir Hector Rumbush</em> and a +clownish son, who the former insists shall marry the sentimental +<em>Barbara Bearbinder</em>, but who, accordingly, does no such +thing.</p> +<p>The dialogues of these two “sets” go on quite +independent of each other, action there is none, nor plot, nor, +indeed, any progression of incident whatever. <em>Lord +Dangerfield</em> tells you, in the first scene, he is trying to +seduce <em>Lady Whiffle</em>, and you know he won’t get her. +Directly you hear that <em>Sir Paladin Scruple</em> has declared in +favour of <em>Miss Dangerfield</em>, you are quite sure she will +marry the son; in short, there is not the glimmer of an incident +throughout either department of the play which you are not +scrupulously prepared for—so that the least approach to +expectation is nipped in the bud. The whole fable is carefully +developed after all the characters have once made their +introduction; hence, at least three of the acts consist entirely of +events you have been told are going to happen, and of the +fulfilment of intentions already expressed.</p> +<p>One character our enumeration has omitted—that of <em>Mr. +Winnington</em>, who being a lawyer, stock and marriage broker, is +the bosom friend and confident of every character in the piece, +and, consequently, is the only person who has intercourse with the +two sets of characters. This is a part patched up to be the +sticking plaster which holds the two plots together—-the flux +that joins the <em>mettle</em>some <em>Captain Dangerfield</em> +(son of the Lord) to the sentimental <em>citoyenne</em> <em>Barbara +Bearbinder</em>. In fact, <em>Winnington</em> is the author’s +go-between, by which he maketh the twain comedies one—the +Temple Bar of the play—for he joineth the “Court” +with the “City.”</p> +<p>So much for construction: now for detail. The legitimate object +of comedy is the truthful delineation of manners. In life, manners +are displayed by what people do, and by what they say. Comedy, +therefore, ought to consist of action and dialogue. (“Thank +you,” exclaims our reader, “for this wonderful +discovery!”) Now we have seen that in “Court and +City” there is little action: hence it may be supposed that +the brilliancy of the dialogue it was that tempted the author to +brush away the well-deserved dust under which the +“Discovery” and the “Tender Husband” have +been half-a-century imbedded. But this supposition would be +entirely erroneous. The courtiers and citizens themselves were but +dull company: it was chiefly the acting that kept the audience on +the benches and out of their beds.</p> +<p>Without action or wit, what then renders the comedy endurable? +It is this: all the parts are individualities—they speak, +each and every of them, exactly such words, by which they give +utterance to such thoughts, as are characteristic of him or +herself, each after his kind. In this respect the “Court and +City” presents as pure a delineation of manners as a play +without incident can do—a truer one, perhaps, than if it were +studded with brilliancies; for in private life neither the denizens +of St. James’s, nor those of St. Botolph’s, were ever +celebrated for the brilliancy of their wit. Nor are they at +present; if we may judge from the fact of Colonel Sibthorp being +the representative of the one class, and Sir Peter Laurie the +oracle of the other.</p> +<p>This nice adaptation of the dialogue to the various characters, +therefore, offers scope for good acting, and gets it. Mr. Farren, +in <em>Sir Paladin Scruple</em>, affords what tradition and social +history assure us is a perfect portraiture of an old gentleman of +the last century;—more than that, of a singular, peculiar old +gentleman. And yet this excellent artist, in portraying the +peculiarities of the individual, still preserves the general +features of the class. The part itself is the most difficult in +nature to make tolerable on the stage, its leading characteristic +being wordiness. <em>Sir Paladin</em>, a gentleman (in the ultra +strict sense of that term) seventy years of age, is desirous of the +character of <em>un homme de bonnes fortunes</em>. Cold, precise, +and pedantic, he tells the objects—not of his flame—but +of his declarations, that he is consumed with passion, dying of +despair, devoured with love—talking at the same time in +parenthetical apologies, nicely-balanced antitheses, and behaving +himself with the most frigid formality. His bow (that old-fashioned +and elaborate manual exercise called “making a leg”) is +in itself an epitome of the manners and customs of the +ancients.</p> +<p>Madame Vestris and Mr. C. Matthews played <em>Lady</em> and +<em>Lord Whiffle</em>—two also exceedingly difficult +characters, but by these performers most delicately handled. They +are a very young, inexperienced (almost childish), and quarrelsome +couple. Frivolity so extreme as they were required to represent +demands the utmost nicety of colouring to rescue it from silliness +and inanity. But the actors kept their portraits well up to a +pleasing standard, and made them both quite <em>spirituels</em> +(more French—that <em>Morning Post</em> will be the ruin of +us), as well as in a high degree natural.</p> +<p>All the rest of the players, being always and altogether actors, +within the most literal meaning of the word, were exactly the same +in this comedy as they are in any other. Mr. Diddear had in +<em>Lord Dangerfield</em> one of those <span class="pagenum"><a id="page240" name="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>parts which is generally +confided to gentlemen who deliver the dialogue with one hand thrust +into the bosom of the vest—the other remaining at liberty, +with which to saw the air, or to shake hands with a friend. Mr. +Harley played the part of Mr. Harley (called in the bills +<em>Humphrey Rumbush</em>) precisely in the same style as Mr. +Harley ever did and ever will, whatever dress he has worn or may +wear. The rest of the people we will not mention, not being anxious +for a repetition of the unpleasant fits of yawning which a too +vivid recollection of their dulness might re-produce. The only +merit of “Court and City” being in the +dialogue—the only merit of that consisting of minute and +subtle representations of character, and these folks being utterly +innocent of the smallest perception of its meaning or +intention—the draughts they drew upon the patience of the +audience were enormous, and but grudgingly met. But for the acting +of Farren and the managers, the whole thing would have been an +unendurable infliction. As it was, it afforded a capital +illustration of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/020-11.png"><img src= +"images/020-11.png" alt= +"Two men carry a palanquin in opposite directions." id="img020-11" +name="img020-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>ATTRACTION AND REPULSION.</p> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR!</h3> +<p>The dramatic capabilities of “Ten Thousand a-Year,” +as manifested in the vicissitudes that happen to the Yatton Borough +(appropriately recorded by Mr. Warren in <em>Blackwood’s +Magazine</em>), have been fairly put to the test by a popular and +<em>Peake</em>-ante play-wright. What a subject! With ten thousand +a-year a man may do anything. There is attraction in the very sound +of the words. It is well worth the penny one gives for a bill to +con over those rich, euphonious, delicious syllables—TEN +THOUSAND A-YEAR! Why, the magic letters express the concentrated +essence of human felicity—the <em>summum bonum</em> of mortal +bliss!</p> +<p><em>Charles Aubrey</em>, of Yatton, in the county of York, +Esquire, possesses ten thousand a-year in landed property, a lovely +sister in yellow satin, a wife who can sing, and two charming +children, who dance the mazourka as well as they do it at +Almack’s, or at Mr. Baron Nathan’s. As is generally the +case with gentlemen of large fortunes, he is the repository of all +the cardinal virtues, and of all the talents. Good husbands, good +fathers, good brothers, and idolised landlords, are plenty enough; +but a man who, like <em>Aubrey</em>, is all these put together, is +indeed a scarce article; the more so, as he is also a profound +scholar, and an honest statesman. In short, though pretty well +versed in the paragons of virtue that belong to the drama, we find +this <em>Charles Aubrey</em> to be the veriest angel that ever wore +black trousers and pumps.</p> +<p>The most exalted virtue of the stage is, in the long run, seen +in good circumstances, and <em>vice versa</em>; for, in this +country, one of the chief elements of crime is poverty. Hence the +picture is reversed; we behold a striking contrast—a scene +antithetical. We are shown into a miserable garret, and introduced +to a vulgar, illiterate, cockneyfied, dirty, dandified +linendraper’s shopman, in the person of <em>Tittlebat +Titmouse</em>. In the midst of his distresses his attention is +directed to a “Next of Kin” advertisement. It relates +to him and to the Yatton property; and if you be the least +conversant with stage effect, you know what is coming: though the +author thinks he is leaving you in a state of agonising suspense by +closing the act.</p> +<p>The next scene is the robing-room of the York Court-house; and +the curtains at the back are afterwards drawn aside to disclose a +large cupboard, meant to represent an assize-court. On one shelf of +it is seated a supposititious Judge, surrounded by some half-dozen +pseudo female spectators; the bottom shelf being occupied by +counsel, attorney, crier of the court, and plaintiff. The special +jury are severally called in to occupy the right-hand shelf; and +when the cupboard is quite full, all the forms of returning a +verdict are gone through. This is for the plaintiff! Mr. Aubrey is +ruined; and <em>Mr. Titmouse</em> jumps about, at the imminent risk +of breaking the cupboard to pieces, having already knocked down a +counsel or two, and rolled over his own attorney.</p> +<p>This idea of dramatising proceedings at <em>nisi prius</em> only +shows the state of destitution into which the promoters of stage +excitement have fallen. The Baileys, Old and New, have, from +constant use, lost their charms; the police officers were +completely worn out by Tom and Jerry, Oliver Twist, &c.; so +that now, all the courts left to be “done” for the +drama are the Exchequer and Ecclesiastical, Secondaries and +Summonsing, Petty Sessions and Prerogative. But what is to happen +when these are exhausted? The answer is obvious:—Mr. Yates +will turn his attention to the Church! Depend upon it, we shall +soon have the potent Paul Bedford, or the grave and reverend Mr. +John Saunders, in solemn sables, <em>converting</em> the stage into +a Baptist meeting, and repentant supernumeraries with the real +water!</p> +<p>Hoping to be forgiven for this, perhaps misplaced, levity, we +proceed to Act III., in which we find that, fortune having shuffled +the cards, and the judge and jury cut them, <em>Mr. Titmouse</em> +turns up possessor of Yatton and ten thousand a-year; while +<em>Aubrey</em>, quite at the bottom of the pack, is in a state of +destitution. To show the depth of distress into which he has +fallen, a happy expedient is hit upon: he is described as turning +his attention and attainments to literature; and that the +unfathomable straits he is put to may be fully understood, he is +made a reviewer! Thus the highest degree of sympathy is excited +towards him; for everybody knows that no person would willingly +resort to criticism (literary or dramatic) as a means of +livelihood, if he could command a broom and a crossing to earn a +penny by, or while there exists a Mendicity Society to get soup +from.</p> +<p>We have yet to mention one character; and considering that he is +the main-spring of the whole matter, we cannot put it off any +longer. <em>Mr. Gammon</em> is a lawyer—that is quite enough; +we need not say more. You all know that stage solicitors are more +outrageous villains than even their originals. <em>Mr. Gammon</em> +is, of course, a “fine speciment of the specious,” as +Mr. Hood’s Mr. Higgings says. It is he who, finding out a +flaw in <em>Aubrey’s</em> title, angled per advertisement for +the heir, and caught a <em>Tittlebat—Titmouse</em>. It is he +who has so disinterestedly made that gentleman’s +fortune.—“Only just merely for the sake of the +costs?” one naturally asks. Oh no; there is a stronger reason +(with which, however, reason has nothing to do)—love! <em>Mr. +Gammon</em> became desperately enamoured of <em>Miss Aubrey</em>; +but she was silly enough to prefer the heir to a peerage, <em>Mr. +Delamere. Mr. Gammon</em> never forgave her, and so ruins her +brother.</p> +<p>Having brought the whole family to a state in which he supposes +they will refuse nothing, <em>Gammon</em> visits <em>Miss +Aubrey</em>, and, in the most handsome manner, offers +her—notwithstanding the disparity in their +circumstances—his hand, heart, and fortune. More than that, +he promises to restore the estate of Yatton to its late possessor. +To his astonishment the lady rejects him; and, he showing what the +bills call the “cloven foot,” <em>Miss Aubrey</em> +orders him to be shown out. Meantime, <em>Mr. Tittlebat +Titmouse</em>, having been returned M.P. for Yatton, has made a +great noise in house, not by his oratorical powers, but by his +proficient imitations of cock-crowing and donkey-braying.</p> +<p>This being Act IV., it is quite clear that +<em>Gammon’s</em> villany and <em>Tittlebat’s</em> +prosperity cannot last much longer. Both are ended in an original +manner. True to the principle with which the Adelphi commenced its +season—that of putting stage villany into comedy—Mr. +Gammon concludes the <em>facetiæ</em> with which his part +abounds by a comic suicide! All the details of this revolting +operation are gone through amidst the most ponderous levity; +insomuch, that the audience had virtue enough to hiss most +lustily<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. While this page was +passing through the press, we witnessed a representation of +“Ten Thousand a-Year” a second time, and observed that +the offensiveness of this scene was considerably abated. Mr. Lyon +deserves a word of praise for his acting in that passage of the +piece as it now stands.</span> .</p> +<p>Thus the string of rascality by which the piece is held together +being cut, it naturally finishes by the reinstatement of +Aubrey—together with a view of Yatton in sunshine, a +procession of charity children, mutual embraces by all the +characters, and a song by Mrs. Grattan. What becomes of +<em>Titmouse</em> is not known, and did not seem to be much cared +about.</p> +<p>This piece is interesting, not because it is cleverly +constructed (for it is not), nor because <em>Mr. Titmouse</em> dyes +his hair green with a barber’s nostrum, nor on account of the +cupboard court of <em>Nisi Prius</em>, nor of the charity children, +nor because Mr. Wieland, instead of playing the devil himself, +played <em>Mr. Snap</em>, one of his limbs—but because many +of the scenes are well-drawn pictures of life. The children’s +ball in the first “epoch,” for instance, was altogether +excellently managed and <em>true</em>; and though many of the +characters are overcharged, yet we have seen people like them in +Chancery-lane, at Messrs. Swan and Edgar’s, in country +houses, and elsewhere. The suicide incident is, however, a +disgusting drawback.</p> +<p>The acting was also good, but too extravagantly so. Mr. Wright, +as <em>Titmouse</em>, thought perhaps that a Cockney dandy could +not be caricatured, and he consequently went desperate lengths, but +threw in here and there a touch of nature. Mr. Lyon was as +energetic as ever in <em>Gammon</em>; Mrs. Yates as lugubrious as +is her wont in <em>Miss Aubrey</em>; Mrs. Grattan acted and looked +as if she were quite deserving of a man with ten thousand a year. +As to her singing, if her husband were in possession of twenty +thousand per annum, (would to the gods he were!) it could not have +been more charmingly tasteful. The pathetics of Wilkinson (as +<em>Quirk</em>) in the suicide scene, and just before the event, +deserve the attention and imitation of Macready. We hope the former +comedian’s next character will be Ion, or, at least, Othello. +He has now proved that smaller parts are beneath his purely +histrionic talents.</p> +<p>Mr. Yates did not make a speech! This extraordinary omission set +the house in a buzz of conjectural wonderment till “The Maid +of Honour” put a stop to it.</p> +<p>NOTE.—A critique on this piece would have appeared last +week, if it had pleased some of the people at the post-office +(through which the MS. was sent to the Editors) not to steal it. +Perhaps they took it for something valuable; and, perhaps, they +were not mistaken. Thanks be to Mercury, we have plenty of wit to +spare, and can afford some of it to be stolen now and then. Still +we entreat Colonel Maberly (Editor of the “Post” in St. +Martin’s-le-Grand) to supply his clerks with jokes enough to +keep them alive, that they may not be driven to steal other +people’s. The most effectual way to preserve them in a state +of jocular honesty would be for him to present every person on the +establishment with a copy of “Punch” from week to +week.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 27, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14938-h.htm or 14938-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14938/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 27, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14938] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 27, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +9.--OF THE SEQUEL TO THE HALL EXAMINATION. + + +[Illustration: W]Whilst Mr. Muff follows the beadle from the funking-room +to the Council Chamber, he scarcely knows whether he is walking upon his +head or his heels; if anything, he believes that he is adopting the former +mode of locomotion; nor does he recover a sense of his true position until +he finds himself seated at one end of a square table, the other three +sides whereof are occupied by the same number of gentlemen of grave and +austere bearing, with all the candles in the room apparently endeavouring +to imitate that species of eccentric dance which he has only seen the +gas-lamps attempt occasionally as he has returned home from his harmonic +society. The table before him is invitingly spread with pharmacopoeias, +books of prescriptions, trays of drugs, and half-dead plants; and upon +these subjects, for an hour and a half, he is compelled to answer +questions. + +We will not follow his examination: nobody was ever able to see the least +joke in it; and therefore it is unfitted for our columns. We can but state +that after having been puzzled, bullied, "caught," quibbled with, and +abused, for the above space of time, his good genius prevails, and he is +told he may retire. Oh! the pleasure with which he re-enters the +funking-room--that nice, long, pleasant room, with its cheerful fireplace +and good substantial book-cases, and valuable books, and excellent +old-fashioned furniture; and the capital tea which the worshipful company +allows him--never was meal so exquisitely relished. He has passed the +Hall! won't he have a flare-up to-night!--that's all. + +As soon as all the candidates have passed, their certificates are given +them, upon payment of various sovereigns, and they are let out. The first +great rush takes place to the "retail establishment" over the way, where +all their friends are assembled--Messrs. Jones, Rapp, Manhug, &c. A pot of +"Hospital Medoc" is consumed by each of the thirsty candidates, and off +they go, jumping Jim Crow down Union-street, and swaggering along the +pavement six abreast, as they sing several extempore variations of their +own upon a glee which details divers peculiarities in the economy of +certain small pigs, pleasantly enlivened by grunts and whistles, and the +occasional asseveration of the singers that their paternal parent was a +man of less than ordinary stature. This insensibly changes into "Willy +brewed a Peck of Malt," and finally settles down into "Nix my Dolly," +appropriately danced and chorussed, until a policeman, who has no music in +his soul, stops their harmony, but threatens to take them into charge if +they do not bring their promenade concert to a close. + +Arrived at their lodgings, the party throw off all restraint. The table is +soon covered with beer, spirits, screws, hot water, and pipes; and the +company take off their coats, unbutton their stocks, and proceed to +conviviality. Mr. Muff, who is in the chair, sings the first song, which +informs his friends that the glasses sparkle on the board and the wine is +ruby bright, in allusion to the pewter-pots and half-and half. Having +finished, Mr. Muff calls upon Mr. Jones, who sings a ballad, not +altogether perhaps of the same class you would hear at an evening party in +Belgrave-square, but still of infinite humour, which is applauded upon the +table to a degree that flirps all the beer out of the pots, with which Mr. +Rapp draws portraits and humorous conceits upon the table with his finger. +Mr. Manhug is then called upon, and sings + +THE STUDENT'S ALPHABET. + + Oh; A was an Artery, fill'd with injection; + And B was a Brick, never caught at dissection. + C were some Chemicals--lithium and borax; + And D was a Diaphragm, flooring the thorax. + + _Chorus (taken in short-hand with minute accuracy)._ + Fol de rol lol, + Tol de rol lay, + Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay. + + E was an Embryo in a glass case; + And F a Foramen, that pierced the skull's base. + G was a Grinder, who sharpen'd the fools; + And H means the Half-and-half drunk at the schools. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + I was some Iodine, made of sea-weed; + J was a Jolly Cock, not used to read. + K was some Kreosote, much over-rated; + And L were the Lies which about it were stated. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + M was a muscle--cold, flabby, and red; + And N was a Nerve, like a bit of white thread. + O was some Opium, a fool chose to take; + And P were the Pins used to keep him awake. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Q were the Quacks, who cure stammer and squint, + R was a Raw from a burn, wrapp'd in lint. + S was a Scalpel, to eat bread and cheese; + And T was a Tourniquet, vessels to squeeze. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + U was the Unciform bone of the wrist. + V was the Vein which a blunt lancet miss'd. + W was Wax, from a syringe that flow'd. + X, the Xaminers, who may be blow'd! + Fol de rol lol, &c. + + Y stands for You all, with best wishes sincere; + And Z for the Zanies who never touch beer. + So we've got to the end, not forgetting a letter; + And those who don't like it may grind up a better. + Fol de rol lol, &c. + +This song is vociferously cheered, except by Mr. Rapp, who during its +execution has been engaged in making an elaborate piece of basket-work out +of wooden pipe-lights, which having arranged to his satisfaction, he sends +scudding at the chairman's head. The harmony proceeds, and with it the +desire to assist in it, until they all sing different airs at once; and +the lodger above, who has vainly endeavoured to get to sleep for the last +three hours, gives up the attempt as hopeless, when he hears Mr. Manhug +called upon for the sixth time to do the cat and dog, saw the bit of wood, +imitate Macready, sing his own version of "Lur-li-e-ty," and accompany it +with his elbows on the table. + +The first symptom of approaching cerebral excitement from the action of +liquid stimulants is perceived in Mr. Muff himself, who tries to cut some +cold meat with the snuffers. Mr. Simpson also, a new man, who is looking +very pale, rather overcome with the effects of his elementary screw in a +first essay to perpetrate a pipe, petitions for the window to be let down, +that the smoke, which you might divide with a knife, may escape more +readily. This proposition is unanimously negatived, until Mr. Jones, who +is tilting his chair back, produces the desired effect by overbalancing +himself in the middle of a comic medley, and causing a compound, +comminuted, and irreducible fracture of three panes of glass by tumbling +through them. Hereat, the harmony experiencing a temporary check, and all +the half-and half having disappeared, Mr. Muff finds there is no great +probability of getting any more, as the servant who attends upon the seven +different lodgers has long since retired to rest in the turn-down bedstead +of the back kitchen. An adjournment is therefore determined upon; and, +collecting their hats and coats as they best may, the whole party tumble +out into the streets at two o'clock in the morning. + +"Whiz-z-z-z-z-t!" shouts Mr. Manhug, as they emerge into the cool air, in +accents which only Wieland could excel; "there goes a cat!" Upon the +information a volley of hats follow the scared animal, none of which go +within ten yards of it, except Mr. Rapp's, who, taking a bold aim, flings +his own gossamer down the area, over the railings, as the cat jumps +between them on to the water-butt, which is always her first leap in a +hurried retreat. Whereupon Mr. Rapp goes and rings the house-bell, that +the domestics may return his property; but not receiving an answer, and +being assured of the absence of a policeman, he pulls the handle out as +far as it will come, breaks it off, and puts it in his pocket. After this +they run about the streets, indulging in the usual buoyant recreations +that innocent and happy minds so situated delight to follow, and are +eventually separated by their flight from the police, from the safe plan +they have adopted of all running different ways when pursued, to bother +the crushers. What this leads to we shall probably hear next week, when +they are once more _reunis_ in the dissecting-room to recount their +adventures. + + * * * * * + + +It is said that the Duke of Wellington declined the invitation to the Lord +Mayor's civic dinner in the following laconic speech:--"Pray remember the +9th November, 1830."--"Ah!" said Sir Peter Laurie, on hearing the Duke's +reply, "I remember it. They said that the people intended on that day to +set fire to Guildhall, and meant to roast the Mayor and Board of +Aldermen."--"On the old system, I suppose, of every man cooking his own +goose," observed Hobler drily. + + * * * * * + + +THE "PUFF PAPERS." + +[Illustration] + +INTRODUCTION. + + +I cannot recollect the precise day, but it was some time in the month of +November 1839, that I took one of my usual rambles without design or +destination. I detest a premeditated route--I always grow tired at the +first mile; but with a free course, either in town or country, I can +saunter about for hours, and feel no other fatigue but what a tumbler of +toddy and a pipe can remove. It was this disposition that made me +acquainted with the fraternity of the "Puffs." I would premise, gentle +reader, that as in my peregrinations I turn down any green lane or dark +alley that may excite my admiration or my curiosity--hurry through +glittering saloons or crowded streets--pause at the cottage door or shop +window, as it best suits my humour, so, in my intercourse with you, I +shall digress, speculate, compress, and dilate, as my fancy or my +convenience wills it. This is a blunt acknowledgment of my intentions; but +as travellers are never sociable till they have cast aside the formalities +of compliment, I wished to start with you at the first stage as an old +acquaintance. The course is not usual, and, therefore, I adopt it; and it +was by thus stepping out of a common street into a common hostel that I +became possessed of the _materiel_ of those papers, which I trust will +hereafter tend to cheat many into a momentary forgetfulness of some care. +I have no other ambition; there are philosophers enough to mystify or +enlighten the world without my "nose of Turk and Tartar's lips" being +thrust into the cauldron, whose + + --"Charms of powerful trouble, + Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble." + +I had buttoned myself snugly in my Petersham (may the tailor who invented +_that_ garment "sleep well" whenever he "wears the churchyard livery, +grass-green turned up with brown!") The snow--the beautiful snow--fell +pure and noiselessly on the dirty pavement. Ragged, blue-faced urchins +were scrambling the pearly particles together, and, with all the joyous +recklessness of healthier childhood, carrying on a war less fatal but more +glorious than many that have made countless widows and orphans, and, +_perhaps, one_ hero. Little round doll-like things, in lace and ribbons, +were thumping second-door windows with their tiny hands, and crowing with +ecstasy at the sight of the flaky shower. "Baked-tater" cans and +"roasted-apple" saucepan lids were sputtering and frizzing in impotent +rage as they waged puny war with the congealed element. Hackney +charioteers sat on their boxes warped and whitened; whilst those strange +amalgams of past and _never-to-come_ fashions--the clerks of +London--hurried about with the horrid consciousness of exposing their +costliest garments to the "pelting of the pitiless storm." Evening stole +on. A London twilight has nothing of the pale grey comfort that is +diffused by that gradual change from day to night which I have experienced +when seated by the hearth or the open window of a rural home. There it +seems like the very happiness of nature--a pause between the burning +passions of meridian day and the dark, sorrowing loneliness of night; but +in London on it comes, or rather down it comes, like the mystic medium in +a pantomime--it is a thing that you will not gaze on for long; and you +rush instinctively from daylight to candle-light. I stopped in front of an +old-fashioned public-house, and soon (being a connoisseur in these +matters) satisfied myself that if comfort were the desideratum, "The heart +that was humble might hope for it here." I shook the snow from my +"Petersham," and seeing the word "parlour" painted in white letters on a +black door, bent my steps towards it. I was on the point of opening the +door, when a slim young man, with a remarkable small quantity of hair, +stopped my onward coarse by gurgling rather than ejaculating--for the +sentence seemed a continuous word-- + +"Can't-go-in-there-Sir." + +"Why not?" said I." + +"Puffs-Sir." + +"Puffs!" + +"Yes-Sir,--Tues'y night--Puffs-meets-on-Tues'y," and then addressing a +young girl in the bar, delivered an order for "One-rum-one-bran'y-one +gin-no-whisky-all-'ot," which I afterwards found to signify one glass of +each of the liqueurs. + +I was about to remonstrate against the exclusiveness of the "Puffs," when +recollecting the proverbial obduracy of waiters, I contented myself with +buttoning my coat. My annoyance was not diminished by hearing the hearty +burst of merriment called forth by some jocular member of this _terra +incognita_, but rendered still more distressing by the appearance of the +landlord, who emerged from the room, his eyes streaming with those tears +that nature sheds over an expiring laugh. + +"You have a merry party _concealed_ there, Master Host," said I. + +"Ye-ye-s-Sir, very," replied he, and tittered again, as though he were +galvanizing his defunct merriment. + +"Quite exclusive?" + +"Quite, Sir, un-unless you are introduced--Oh dear!" and having mixed a +small tumbler of toddy, he disappeared into that inner region of smoke +from which I was separated by the black door endorsed "_Parlour_." + +I had determined to seek elsewhere for a more social party, when the +thumping of tables and gingle of glasses induced me to abide the issue. +After a momentary pause, a firm and not unmusical voice was heard, pealing +forth the words of a song which I had written when a boy, and had procured +insertion for in a country newspaper. At the conclusion the thumping was +repeated, and the waiter having given another of his _stenographical_ +orders, I could not resist desiring him to inform the vocal gentleman that +I craved a few words with him. + +"Yes-Sir--don't-think-'ll come--'cos he-'s-in-a-corner." + +"Perhaps you will try the experiment," said I. + +"Certainly-Sir-two-gins-please-ma'am." And having been supplied with the +required beverage, he also made his _exit in fumo_. + +In a few minutes a man of about fifty made his appearance; his face +indicated the absence of vulgarity, though a few purply tints delicately +hinted that he had assisted at many an orgie of the rosy offspring of +Jupiter and Semele. His dark vestments and white cravat induced me to set +him down as a "professional gentleman"--nor was I far wrong in my +conjecture. As I shall have, I trust, frequent occasion to speak of him, I +will for the sake of convenience, designate him Mr. Bonus. + +I briefly stated my reason for disturbing him--that as he had honoured my +muse by forming so intimate an acquaintance with her, I was anxious to +trespass on his politeness to introduce me into that room which had now +become a sort of "Blue-beard blue-chamber" to my thirsty curiosity. Having +handed him my card, he readily complied, and in another minute I was an +inhabitant of an elysium of sociality and tobacco-smoke. + +"Faugh!" cries Aunt Charlotte Amelia, whilst pretty little Cousin Emmeline +turns up her round hazel eyes and ejaculates, "Tobacco-smoke! horrid!" + +Ladies! you treat with scorn that which God hath given as a blessing! It +has never been your lot to thread the streets of mighty London, when the +first springs of her untiring commerce are set in motion. Long, dear aunt, +before thy venerable nose peeps from beneath the quilted coverlid to scent +an atmosphere made odorous by cosmetics--long, dear Emmeline, ere those +bright orbs that one day will fire the hearts of thousands are unclosed, +the artizan has blessed his sleeping children, and closed the door upon +his household gods. The murky fog, the drizzling shower, welcome him back +to toil. Labour runs before him, and with ready hand unlocks the doors of +dreary cellars or towering and chilly edifices; mind hath not yet +promulgated or received the noble doctrine that toil is dignity; and you, +yes, even you, dear, gentle hearts! would feel the artizan a slave, if +some clever limner showed you the toiling wretch sooted or japanned. Would +you then rob him of one means of happiness? No--not even of his pipe! +Ladies, you tread on carpets or on marble floors--I will tell you where my +foot has been. I have walked where the air was circumscribed--where man +was manacled by space, for no other crimes but those of poverty and +misfortune. I've seen the broken merchant seated round a hearth that had +not one endearment--they looked about for faces that were wont to smile +upon them, and they saw but mirrors of their own sad lineaments--some +laughed in mockery of their sorrows, as though they thought that mirth +would come for asking; others, grown brutal by being caged, made up in +noise what they lacked in peace. How comfortless they seemed! The only +solace that the eye could trace was the odious herb, tobacco! + +I have climbed the dark and narrow stairway that led to a modern Helicon; +there I have seen the gentle creature that loved nature for her +beauty--beauty that was to him apparent, although he sat hemmed in by bare +and tattered walls; yet there he had seen bright fountains sparkle and the +earth robe herself with life, and where the cunning spider spread her +filmy toils above his head, he has seen a world of light, a galaxy of +wonders. The din of wheels and the harsh discordant cries of busy life +have died within his ear, and the tiny voices of choral birds have hymned +him into peace; or the lettered eloquence of dread sages has become sound +again, and he has communed in the grove and temple, as they of older time +did in the eternal cities, with those whose names are immortal--and there +I have seen the humble pipe! the sole evidence of luxury or enjoyment; +when his daily task was suspended, it can never end, for he must weave and +weave the fibres of his brain into the clue that leads him to the means of +sustaining life. + +I have wandered through lanes and fields when the autumn was on and the +world golden, and my journey has ended at a yeoman's door. My welcome has +been a hand-grasp, that needed bones and muscles to bear it +unflinchingly--my fare the homeliest, but the sweetest; and when the meal +was ended, how has the night wore on and then away over a cup of brown +October--the last autumn's legacy--and, forgive me, Emmeline, a pipe of +tobacco! Glorious herb! that hath oft-times stayed the progress of sorrow +and contagion; a king once consigned thee to the devil, but many a humble, +honest heart hath hailed thee as a blessing from the Creator. + +I was introduced by my new acquaintance without much ceremony, and was +pleased to see that little was expected. "We meet here thrice a week," +said Bonus, "just to wile away an hour or two after the worry and fatigue +of business. Most of us have been acquainted with each other since +boyhood--and we have some curious characters amongst us; and should you +wish to enrol your name, you have only to prove your qualification for +this (holding up his pipe), and we shall be happy to recognise you as a +'Puff.'" + + * * * * * + + +THE STAR SYSTEM. + +SIR PETER LAURIE having observed a notice in one of the journals that the +superior planets, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, are now to be seen every +evening in the west, despatched a messenger to them with an invitation to +the late Polish Ball, sagely remarking that "three such stars must prove +an attraction." Upon Sir Peter mentioning the circumstance to Hobler, the +latter cunningly advised Alderman Figaro (in order to prevent accidents) +to solicit them to come by water, and accordingly Sir Peter's carriage was +in waiting for the fiery stranger at the + +[Illustration: TOWER STARES.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LIMERICK MARES. + +The borough of Limerick at present enjoys the singular advantage of having +two civic heads to the city. The new _mare_, Martin Honan, Esq., after +being duly elected, civilly requested the old _mare_, C. S. Vereker, Esq., +to turn out; to which he as civilly replied that he would see him blessed +first, and as he was himself the only genuine and original donkey, he was +resolved not to yield his place at the corporate manger to the new animal. +Thus matters remain at present--the old _Mare_ resolutely refusing to take +his head out of the halter until he is compelled to do so. + + * * * * * + + +MORE SKETCHES OF LONDON LIFE. + +_By the Author of the "Great Metropolis."_ + + +It is a remarkable fact that, in spite of the recent Act, there are no +less than three hundred sweeps who still continue to cry "sweep," in the +very teeth of the legislative measure alluded to. I have been in the habit +of meeting many of these sweeps at the house I use for my breakfast; and +in the course of conversation with them, I have generally found that they +know they are breaking the law in calling out "sweep," but they do not +raise the cry for the mere purpose of law-breaking. I am sure it would be +found on inquiry that it is only with the view of getting business that +they call out at all; and this shows the impolicy of making a law which is +not enforced; for they all know that it is very seldom acted upon. + +The same argument will apply to the punishment of death; and my friend +Jack Ketch, whom I meet at the Frog and Frying-pan, tells me that he has +hanged a great many who never expected it. If I were to be asked to make +all the laws for this country, I certainly should manage things in a very +different manner; and I am glad to say that I have legal authority on my +side, for the lad who opens the door at Mr. Adolphus's chambers--with whom +I am on terms of the closest intimacy--thinks as I do upon every great +question of legal and constitutional policy. But this is "neither here nor +there," as my publisher told me when I asked him for the profits of my +last book, and I shall therefore drop the subject. + +In speaking of eminent publishers, I must not forget to mention Mr. +Catnach, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for having been the first to +introduce me to the literary career I have since so successfully followed. +I believe I was the first who carried into effect Mr. Catnach's admirable +idea of having the last dying speeches all struck off on the night before +an execution, so as to get them into the hands of the public as early as +possible. It was, moreover, my own suggestion to stereotype one speech, to +be used on all occasions; and I also must claim the merit of having +recommended the fixing a man's head at the top of the document as "a +portrait of the murderer." Catnach and I have always been on the best of +terms, but he is naturally rather angry that I have not always published +with him, which he thinks--and many others tell me the same thing--I +always should have done. At all events, Catnach has not much right to +complain, for he has on two occasions wholly repainted his shop-shutters +from effusions of mine; and I know that he has greatly extended his toy +and marble business through the profits of a poetical version of the fate +of Fauntleroy, which was very popular in its day, and which I wrote for +him. + +I have never until lately had much to do with Pitts, of Seven Dials; but I +have found him an intelligent tradesman, and a very spirited publisher. He +undertook to get out in five days a new edition of the celebrated +pennyworth of poetry, known some time back, and still occasionally met +with, as the "Three Yards of Popular Songs," which were all selected by +me, and for which I chose every one of the vignettes that were prefixed to +them. I have had extensive dealings both with Pitts and Catnach; and in +comparing the two men, I should say one was the Napoleon of literature, +the other the Mrs. Fry. Catnach is all for dying speeches and executions, +while Pitts is peculiarly partial to poetry. Pitts, for instance, has +printed thousands of "My Pretty Jane," while Catnach had the execution of +Frost all in type for many months before his trial. It is true that Frost +never was hanged, but Blakesley was; and the public, to whom the document +was issued when the latter event occurred, had nothing to do but to bear +in mind the difference of the names, and the account would do as well for +one as for the other. Catnach has been blamed for this; but it will not be +expected that _I_ shall censure any one for the grossest literary +quackery. + + * * * * * + + +ACTIVE BENEVOLENCE. + +The success of the Polish Ball has induced some humane individuals to +propose that a similar festival should take place for the relief of the +distressed Spitalfields weavers. We like the notion of a charitable +quadrille--or a benevolent waltz; and it delights us to see a +philanthropic design _set on foot_, through the medium of a gallopade. A +dance which has for its object the putting of bread in the mouths of our +fellow-creatures, may be truly called + +[Illustration: A-BUN-DANCE.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S STOMACHOLOGY. + +LECTURE I. + + +[Illustration: D]Doctors Spurzheim and Gall have acquired immense renown +for their ingenious and plausible system of phrenology. These eminent +philosophers have by a novel and wonderful process divided that which is +indivisible, and parcelled out the human mind into several small lots, +which they call "_organs_," numbering and labelling them like the drawers +or bottles in a chemist's shop; so that, should any individual acquainted +with the science of phrenology chance to get into what is vulgarly termed +"a row," and being withal of a meek and lamb like disposition, which +prompts him rather to trust to his heels than to his fists, he has only to +excite his organ of _combativeness_ by scratching vigorously behind his +ear, and he will forthwith become bold as a lion, valiant as a +game-cock--in short, a very lad of _whacks_, ready to fight the devil if +he dared him. In like manner, a constant irritation of the organ of +_veneration_ on the top of his head will make him an accomplished +courtier, and imbue him with a profound respect for stars and coronets. +Now if it be possible--and that it is, no one will now attempt to deny--to +divide the brain into distinct faculties, why may not the stomach, which, +it has been admitted by the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, is a far +nobler organ than the brain,--why may it not also possess several +faculties? As we know that a particular part of the brain is appropriated +for the faculty of _time_, another for that of _wit_, and so on, is it not +reasonable to suppose that there is a certain portion of the stomach +appropriated to the faculty of _roast beef_, another for that of _devilled +kidney_ and so forth? + +It may be said that the stomach is a single organ, and therefore incapable +of performing more than one function. As well might it be asserted that it +was a steam-engine, with a single furnace consuming Whitehaven, Scotch, or +Newcastle coals indiscriminately. The fact is, the stomach is not a single +organ, but in reality a congeries of organs, each receiving its own proper +kind of aliment, and developing itself by outward bumps and prominences, +which indicate with amazing accuracy the existence of the particular +faculty to which it has been assigned. + +It is upon these facts that I have founded my system of Stomachology; and +contemplating what has been done, what is doing, and what is likely to be +done, in the analogous science of phrenology, I do not despair of seeing +the human body mapped out, and marked all over with faculties, feelings, +propensities, and powers, like a tattooed New Zealander. The study of +anatomy will then be entirely superseded, and the scientific world would +be guided, as the fashionable world is now, entirely by externals. + +The circumstances which led me to the discovery of this important +constitution of the stomach were partly accidental, and partly owing to my +own intuitive sagacity. I had long observed that Judy, "my soul's far +dearer part," entertained a decided partiality for a leg of pork and +pease-pudding--to which _I_ have a positive dislike. On extending my +observations, I found that different individuals were characterised by +different tastes in food, and that one man liked mint sauce with his roast +lamb, while others detested it. I discovered also that in most persons +there is a predominance of some particular organ over the surrounding +ones, in which case a corresponding external protuberance may be looked +for, which indicates the gastronomic character of the individual. This +rule, however, is not absolute, as the prominence of one faculty may be +modified by the influence of another; thus the faculty of _ham_ may be +modified by that of _roast veal_, or the desire to indulge in a sentiment +for an _omelette_ may be counteracted by a propensity for a _fricandeau_, +or by the regulating power of a _Strasbourg pie_. The activity of the +_omelette_ emotion is here not abated; the result to which it would lead, +is merely modified. + +It would be tedious to detail the successive steps of my inquiries, until +I had at last ascertained distinctly that the power of the eating +faculties is, _caeteris paribus_, in proportion to the size of those +compartments in the stomach by which they are manifested. I propose at a +future time to explain my system more fully, and shall conclude my present +lecture by giving a list of the organs into which I have classified the +stomach, according to my most careful observations. + + CLASS I.--SUSTAINING FACULTIES. + + 1.--Bread (_French rolls_). + 2.--Water (_doubtful_). + 3.--Beef (_including rump-steaks_). + 4.--Mutton (_legs thereof_). + 5.--Veal (_stuffed fillet of the same_). + 6.--Bacon (_including pork-chops and sausages_). + + CLASS II.--SENTIMENTS OR AFFECTIONS. + + 7.--Fowl. + 8.--Fish. + 9.--Game. + 10.--Soup. + 11.--Plum-pudding. + 12.--Pastry. + + CLASS III.--SUPERIOR SENTIMENTS. + + 13.--Sauces. + 14.--Fruit. + + CLASS IV.--INTELLECTUAL TASTES. + + 15.--Olives. + 16.--Caviare. + 17.--Turtle. + 18.--Curries. + 19.--Gruyere Cheese. + 20.--French Wines. + 21.--Italian Salads. + 22.-- ---- + +Of the last organ I have not been able to discover the function; it is +probably miscellaneous, and disposes of all that is not included in the +others. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +(_By the Reporter of the Court Journal._) + +Yesterday Paddy Green, Esq. gave a grand _dejeuner a la fourchette_ to a +distinguished party of friends, at his house in Vere-street. Amongst the +guests we noticed Charles Mears, J.M., Mister Jim Connell, Bill Paul, Deaf +Burke, Esq., Jerry Donovan, M.P.R., Herr Von Joel, &c. &c. Mister Jim +Connell and Jerry Donovan went the "_odd man_" who should stand glasses +round. The favourite game of _shove-halfpenny_ was kept up till a late +hour, when the party broke up highly delighted. + +A great party mustered on Friday last, in the New Cut, to hear Mr. +Briggles chant a new song, written on the occasion of the birth of the +young Prince. He was accompanied by his friend Mr. Handel Purcell Mozart +Muggins on the drum and mouth-organ, who afterwards went round with his +hat. + +On Friday the lady of Paddy Green paid a morning call to Clare Market, at +the celebrated tripe shop; she purchased two slices of canine comestibles +which she carried home on a skewer. + +Mrs. Paddy Green on Wednesday visited Mrs. Joel, to take tea. She indulged +in two crumpets and a dash of rum in the congou. It is confidently +reported that on Wednesday next Mrs. Joel will pay a visit to Mrs. G. at +her residence in Vere-street, to supper; after which Mr. Paddy Green will +leave for his _seat_ in Maiden-lane. + +Jeremiah Donovan, it is stated, is negotiating for the three-pair back +room in Surrey, late the residence of Charles Mears, J.M. + + * * * * * + + +FROM THE LONDON GAZETTE, Nov. 16th. + +PROMOTIONS.--POST OFFICE. + + 1st Body of + General Postmen--Timothy Sneak, to Broad-street bell and bag, + vice Jabez Broadfoot, who retires into the + chandlery line. + " Horatio Squint to Lincoln's-Inn bell and bag, + vice Timothy Sneak. + " Felix Armstrong to Bedford-square bell and bag, + vice Horatio Squint. + " Josiah Claypole (from the body of letter-sorters) + to Tottenham-Court-road bell and bag, vice + Felix Armstrong. N.B. This deserving young man + is indebted to his promotion for detecting a + brother letter-sorter appropriating the contents + of a penny letter to his own uses, at the + precise time that the said Josiah Claypole had + his eye on it, for reasons best known to himself. + The twopenny-postmen are highly incensed at + this unheard-of and unprecedented passing them + over; and great fears are entertained of their + resignation. + + * * * * * + + +FRENCH LIVING. + +"Pa," said an interesting little Polyglot, down in the West, with his +French Rudiments before him, "why should one egg be sufficient for a dozen +men's breakfasts?"--"Can't say, child."--"Because _un oeuf_--is as good as +a feast."--"Stop that boy's grub, mother, and save it at once; he's too +clever to live much longer." + + * * * * * + + +HINTS ON POPPING THE QUESTION. + + _To the bashful, the hesitating, and the ignorant, the following + hints may prove useful_. + +If you call on the "loved one," and observe that she blushes when you +approach, give her hand a gentle squeeze, and if she returns it, consider +it "all right"--get the parents out of the room, sit down on the sofa +beside the "must adorable of her sex"--talk of the joys of wedded life. If +she appears pleased, rise, seem excited, and at once ask her to say the +important, the life-or-death-deciding, the suicide-or-happiness-settling +question. If she pulls out her cambric, be assured you are accepted. Call +her "My darling Fanny!"--"My own dear creature!"--and a few such-like +names, and this completes the scene. Ask her to name the day, and fancy +yourself already in Heaven. + +A good plan is to call on the "object of your affections" in the +forenoon--propose a walk--mamma consents, in the hope you will declare +your intentions. Wander through the green fields--talk of "love in a +cottage,"--"requited attachment"--and "rural felicity." If a child happens +to pass, of course intimate your fondness for the dear little +creatures--this will be a splendid hit. If the coast is clear, down you +must fall on your knee, right or left (there is no rule as to this), and +swear never to rise until she agrees to take you "for better and for +worse." If, however, the grass is wet, and you have white ducks on, or if +your unmentionables are tightly made--of course you must pursue another +plan--say, vow you will blow your brains out, or swallow arsenic, or drown +yourself, if she won't say "yes." + +If you are at a ball, and your charmer is there, captivating all around +her, get her into a corner, and "pop the question." Some delay until after +supper, but "delays are dangerous"--Round-hand copy. + +A young lady's "tears," when accepting you, mean "I am too happy to +speak." The dumb show of staring into each other's faces, squeezing +fingers, and sighing, originated, we have reason to believe, with the +ancient Romans. It is much practised now-a-days--as saving breath, and +being more lover-like than talking. + +We could give many more valuable hints, but Punch has something better to +do than to teach ninnies the art of amorifying. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP. + +SIP THE SECOND. + + Now harems being very lonely places, + Hemm'd in with bolts and bars on every side, + The fifty-two who shared Te-pott's embraces + Were glad to see a stranger, though a bride-- + And so received her with their gentlest graces, + And questions--though the questions are implied, + For ladies, from Great Britain to the Tropics, + Are very orthodox in their choice of topics. + + They ask'd her, who was married? who was dead? + What were the newest things in silks and ivories? + And had Y--Y--, who had eloped with Z--, + Been yet forgiven? and _had_ she seen his liveries? + And weren't they something between grey and red? + And hadn't Z's papa refused to give her his? + So Hy-son told them everything she knew + And all was very well a day or two. + + But, when the Multifarious forsook + Bo-hea, Pe-koe, and Wiry-leaf'd Gun-pow-der, + To revel in the lip and sunny look + Of the young stranger; spite of all they'd vow'd her, + The ladies each with jealous anger shook, + And rail'd against the simple maid aloud--Ah! + This woman's pride is a fine thing to tell us of-- + But a small matter serves her to be jealous of. + + One said she was indecorously florid-- + One thought "she only squinted, nothing more--" + A third, convulsively pronounced her "horrid "-- + While Bo-hea, who was _low_ (at four-and-four), + Glanced from her fingers up at Hy-son's forehead, + Who, inkling such a tendency before, + Cared for no rival's nails--but paid--I own, + Particular attention to her own. + + Well, this was bad enough; but worse than this + Were the attentions of our ancient hero, + Whose frequent vow, and frequenter caress, + Unwelcome were for any one to hear, who + Had charms for better pleasure than a kiss + From feeble dotard ten degrees from zero. + So, as one does when circumstances harass one, + Hy-son began to draw up a comparison. + + "Was ever maiden so abused as I am? + Teazed into such a marriage--then to be + Dosed with my husband twenty times _per diem_, + With _repetetur haustus_ after tea! + And, if he should die, what can I get by him? + A jointure's nothing among fifty-three! + I'm meek enough--but this I can _not_ bear-- + I wish: I wish:--I wish a girl might swear!" + + In such a mood, she--(stop! I'll mend my pen; + For now all our preliminaries _are_ done, + And I am come unto the crisis, when + Her fate depends on a kind reader's pardon)-- + Wandering forth beyond the ladies' ken, + She thought she spied a male face in the garden-- + She hasten'd thither--she was not mistaken, + For sure enough, a man was there a-raking. + + A man complete he was who own'd the visage, + A man of thirty-three, or may-be longer-- + So young, she could not well distinguish his age-- + So old, she knew he had one day been younger. + Now thirty-three, although a very nice age, + Is not so nice as twenty, twenty-one, or + So; but of lovers when a lady's caught one, + She seldom stops to stipulate what sort o' one. + + Now, the first moment Hy-son saw the gardener-- + A gardener, by his tools and dress she knew-- + She felt her bosom round her heart in a-- + A--just as if her heart was breaking through; + And so she blush'd, and hoped that he would pardon her + Intruding on his grounds--"so nice they grew!-- + Such roses! what a pink!--and then that peony; + Might she die if she ever look'd to see any!" + + The gardener offer'd her a budding rose: + She took it with a smile, and colour'd high; + While, as she gave its fragrance to her nose, + He took the opportunity to sigh. + And Hy-son's cheek blush'd like the daylight's close! + She glanced around to see that none were nigh, + Then sigh'd again and thought, "Although a peasant, + His manners are refined, and really pleasant." + + They stood each looking in the other's eyes, + Till Hy-son dropp'd her gaze, and then--good lack + Love is a cunning chapman: smiles, and sighs. + And tears, the choicest treasures in his pack! + Still barters he such baubles for the prize, + Which all regret when lost, yet can't get back-- + The heart--a useful matter in a bosom-- + Though some folks won't believe it till they lose 'em. + + Love can say much, yet not a word be spoken. + Straight, as a wasp careering staid to sip + The dewy rose she held, the gardener's token, + He, seizing on her hand, with hasty grip, + The stem sway'd earthward with its blossom, broken. + The gardener raised her hand unto his lip, + And kiss'd it--when a rough voice, hoarse with halloas, + Cried, "Harkye' fellow! I'll permit no followers!" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 11 + + The lists were made--the trumpet's blast + Rang pealing through the air. + My 'squire made lace and rivet fast + And brought my tried _destrerre_. + I rode where sat fair Isidore + Inez Mathilde Borghese; + From spur to crest she scann'd me o'er, + Then said "He's not the cheese!" + + O, Mary mother! how burn'd my cheek! + I proudly rode away; + And vow'd "Woe's his I who dares to break + A lance with me to-day!" + I won the prize! (Revenge is sweet, + I thought me of a _ruse_;) + I laid it at her rival's feet, + And thus I cook'd her goose. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORP'S CORNER. + +What difference is there between a farrier and Dr. Locock?--Because the +one is a _horse-shoer_, and the other is _a-cow-shoer_. (accoucheur). + +Why is the Prince of Wales Duke of Cornwall?--Because he is a _minor_. + +"Bar that," as the Sheriff's Officer said to his first-floor window. + + * * * * * + + +KINGS AND CARPENTERS.--ROYAL AND VULGAR CONSPIRATORS. + +In a manuscript life of _Jemmy Twitcher_--the work will shortly appear +under the philosophical auspices of SIR LYTTON BULWER--we find a curious +circumstance, curiously paralleled by a recent political event. _Jemmy_ +had managed to pass himself off as a shrewd, cunning, but withal very +honest sort of fellow; he was, nevertheless, in heart and soul, a +housebreaker of the first order. One night, _Jemmy_ quitted his +respectable abode, and, furnished with dark lantern, pistol, crowbar, and +crape, joined half-a-dozen neophyte burglars--his pupils and his victims. +The hostelry chosen for attack was "The Spaniards." The host and his +servants were, however, on the alert; and, after a smart struggle in the +passage, the housebreakers were worsted; two or three of them being +killed, and the others--save and except the cautious _Jemmy_, who had only +directed the movement from without--being fast in the clutches of the +constables. _Jemmy_, flinging away his crape and his crowbar, ran home to +his house--he was then living somewhere in Petty France--went to bed, and +the next morning appeared as snug and as respectable as ever to his +neighbours. Vehement was his disgust at the knaves killed and caught in +the attack on "The Spaniards;" and though there were not wanting bold +speakers, who averred that _Twitcher_ was at the bottom of the burglary, +nevertheless, his grave look, and the character he had contrived to piece +together for honest dealing, secured him from conviction. + +_Jemmy Twitcher_ was what the world calls a warm fellow. He had gold in +his chest, silver tankards on his board, pictures on his walls; and more, +he had a fine family of promising _Twitchers_. One night, greatly to his +horror at the iniquity of man, miscreants surrounded his dwelling and +fired bullets at his children. The villains were apprehended; and the hair +of _Jemmy_--who had evidently forgotten all about the affair at "The +Spaniards"--stood on end, as the conspiracy of the villains was revealed, +as it was shown how, in anticipation of a wicked success, they had shared +among them, not only his gold and his tankards, but the money and plate of +all his honest neighbours. _Jemmy_, still forgetful of "The Spaniards" +cried aloud for justice and the gibbet! + +Have we not here the late revolution in Spain--the QUENISSET +conspiracy--and in the prime mover of the first, and the intended victim +of the second rascality, KING LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the JEMMY TWITCHER OF THE +FRENCH? + +The commission recently appointed in France for the examination of the +Communists and Equalised Operatives, taken in connexion with the recent +bloodshed under French royal authority, is another of the ten thousand +illustrations of the peculiar morality of crowned heads. Here is a sawyer, +a cabinet-maker, a cobbler, and such sort, all food for the guillotine for +attempting to do no more than has been most treacherously perpetrated by +the present King of the French and the ex-Queen of Spain. How is it that +LOUIS-PHILIPPE feels no touch of sympathy for that pusillanimous +scoundrel--_Just_? He is naturally his veritable double; but then _Just_ +is only a carpenter, LOUIS-PHILIPPE is King of the French! + +The reader has only to read Madrid for Paris--has only to consider the +sawyer Quenisset (the poor tool, trapped by _Just_), the murdered Don +Leon, or any other of the gallant foolish victims of the French monarchy +in the late atrocity in Spain, to see the moral identity of the scoundrel +carpenter and the rascal king. We quote from the report:-- + + _Quenisset_ (alias DON LEON) examined.--"_Just_ said to + me, pointing to the body of officers, 'You must fire _into the + midst of those_;' I then drew the pistol from under my shirt, + and discharged it with my left hand _in the direction I was + desired_." + +O'DONNELL, LEON, ORA, BORIA, FULGOSIO, drew their pistols at the order of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE and CHRISTINA, and merely fired in the direction they were +desired! + + "Where was this society (the Ouvriers Egalitaires) + held?"--"Generally at the house of Colombier, keeper of a + wine-shop, Rue Traversiere." + + "What formed the subject of discourse in these meetings, when you + were there?"--"_Different crimes_. They talked of _overthrowing + the throne, assassinating the agents of the government--shedding + blood, in fact_!" + +For the Rue Traversiere we have only to read the Rue de Courcelles--for +Colombier the wine seller, CHRISTINA ex-Queen of Spain. As for the subject +of discourse at her Majesty's hotel, events have bloodily proved that it +was the overthrow of a throne--the murder of the constituted authorities +of Spain--and, in the comprehensive meaning of Quenisset--"shedding blood, +in fact!" At the wine-shop meetings the French conspirator tells us that +there was "an old man, a locksmith," who would read revolutionary themes, +and "electrify the souls of the young men about him!" The locksmith of the +Rue de Courcelles was the crafty, sanguinary policy of the monarch of the +barricades. We now come to MADAME COLOMBIER, _alias_ QUEEN CHRISTINA.-- + + "Do you know whether your comrades had many cartridges?"--"I do + not know exactly what the quantity was, but I heard a man say, + and, Madame Colombier _also boasted to another woman, that they + had worked very hard, and for some time past, at making + cartridges_." + +Madame COLOMBIER, however, must cede in energy and boldness to the +reckless devilry of the Spanish ex-Queen; for the cartridges manufactured +by the wine-seller's wife were not to be discharged into the bed-room of +her own infant daughters! They were certain not to shed the blood of her +own children. Now the cartridges of the Rue de Courcelles were made for +any service. + +One more extract from the confessions of QUENISSET (_alias_ DON LEON):-- + + "At the corner of the Rue Traversiere I saw Just, Auguste, and + several other young men, whom I had seen in the morning receiving + cartridges. Upon my asking whether the attack was to be made, + _Just answered, Yes_. He felt for his pistols; my comrade got his + ready under his blouse. I seized mine under my shirt. Just called + to me, '_There, there, it is there you are to fire.' I fired. I + thought that all the others would do the same; but they made me + swallow the hook, and then left me to my fate, the rascals!_" + +Poor DON LEON! So far the parallel is complete. The pistol was fired +against Spanish liberty; and the royal Just, finding the object missed, +sneaks off, and leaves his dupe for the executioner. There, however, the +similitude fails. LOUIS-PHILIPPE sleeps in safety--if, indeed, the ghosts +of his Spanish victims let him sleep at all; whilst for _Just_, the +carpenter, he is marked for the guillotine. Could Justice have her own, we +should see the King of the French at the bar of Spain; were the world +guided by abstract right, one fate would fall to the carpenter and the +King. History, however, will award his Majesty his just deserts. There is +a Newgate Calendar for Kings as well as for meaner culprits. + +There are, it is said, at the present moment in France fifty thousand +communists; foolish, vicious men; many of them, doubtless, worthy of the +galleys; and many, for whom the wholesome discipline of the mad-house +would be at once the best remedy and punishment. Fifty thousand men +organised in societies, the object of which is--what young France would +denominate--philosophical plunder; a relief from the canker-eating chains +of matrimony; a total destruction of all objects of art; and the common +enjoyment of stolen goods. It is against this unholy confederacy that the +moral force of LOUIS-PHILIPPE'S Government is opposed. It is to put down +and destroy these bands of social brigands that the King of the French +burns his midnight oil; and then, having extirpated the robber and the +anarchist from France, his Majesty--for the advancement of political and +social freedom--would kidnap the baby-Queen of Spain and her sister, to +hold them as trump cards in the bloody game of revolution. That +LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the _Just_ of Spain, can consign his fellow-conspirator, +the _Just_ of Paris, to the scaffold, is a grave proof that there is no +honour among a certain set of enterprising men, whom the crude phraseology +of the world has denominated thieves. + +It is to make the blood boil in our veins to read the account of the +execution of such men as LEON, ORA, and BORIA, the foolish martyrs to a +wicked cause. Never was a great social wrong dignified by higher courage. +Our admiration of the boldness with which these men have faced their fate +is mingled with the deepest regret that the prime conspirators are safe in +Paris; that one sits in derision of justice on fellow criminals--on men +whose crime may have some slight extenuation from ignorance, want, or +fancied cause of revenge; that the other, with the surpassing meekness of +Christianity, goes to mass in her carriage, distributes her alms to the +poor, and, with her soul dyed with the blood of the young, the chivalrous, +and the brave, makes mouths at Heaven in very mockery of prayer. + +We once were sufficiently credulous to believe in the honesty of +LOUIS-PHILIPPE; we sympathised with him as a bold, able, high-principled +man fighting the fight of good government against a faction of +smoke-headed fools and scoundrel desperadoes. He has out-lived our good +opinion--the good opinion of the world. He is, after all, a lump of +crowned vulgarity. Pity it is that men, the trusting and the brave, are +made the puppets, the martyrs, of such regality! + +As for Queen CHRISTINA, her path, if she have any touch of conscience, +must be dogged by the spectres of her dupes. She is the Madame LAFFARGE of +royalty; nay, worse--the incarnation of Mrs. BROWNRIGG. Indeed, what +JOHNSON applied to another less criminal person may be justly dealt upon +her:--"Sir, she is not a woman, she is a speaking cat!" + +Q. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XX. + +THE RECRUITING SERGEANT. + +"LIST, WAKLEY! LIST!--"--_New Shaksperian Readings_.] + + * * * * * + + +HIS TURN NOW. + + "They say the owl was a baker's daughter." + "Oh, how the wheel becomes it."--SHAKSPEARE. + + +That immense cigar, our mild Cavannah, has at length met with his deserts, +and left the sage savans of the fool's hotbed, London, the undisturbed +possession of the diligently-achieved fool's-caps their extreme absurdity, +egregious folly, and lout-like gullibility, have so splendidly qualified +them to support. + +This extraordinary and Heaven-gifted faster is at length laid by the +heels. The full blown imposition has exploded--the wretched cheat is +consigned to merited durance; while the trebly-_gammoned_ and unexampled +spoons who were his willing dupes are in full possession of the enviable +notoriety necessarily attendant upon their extreme amount of unmitigated +folly. + +This egregious liar and finger-post for thrice inoculated fools set out +upon a provincial "Starring and Starving Expedition," issuing bills, +announcing his wish to be open to public inspection, and delicately +hinting the absolute necessity of shelling-out the browns, as though he, +Bernard Cavanagh, did not eat, yet he had a brother "as did;" +consequently, ways and means for the establishment and continuance of a +small commissariat for the ungifted fraternal was delicately hinted at in +the various documents containing the pressing invitations to "yokel +population" to honour him with an inspection. + +Numerous were the visitors and small the contributions attendant upon the +circulation of these "documents in madness." Many men are rather notorious +in our great metropolis for "living upon nothing," that is, existing +without the aid of such hard food as starved the ass-eared Midas; out +these gentlemen of invisible ways and means have a very decent notion of +employing four out of the twenty four hours in supplying their internal +economy with such creature comforts as, in days of yore, disinherited +Esau, and procured a somewhat gastronomic celebrity for the far-famed +Heliogabalus. But a gentleman who could treat his stomach like a postponed +bill in the House of Commons--that is, adjourn it _sine die_, or take it +into consideration "this day seven years"--was really a likely person to +attract attention and excite curiosity: accordingly, Bernard Cavanagh was +questioned closely by some of his visitors; but he, like the speculation, +appeared to be "one not likely to answer." + +Apparent efforts at concealment invariably lead to doubt, and, doubt +engendering curiosity, is very like to undergo, especially from one of the +fair sex, a scrutiny of the most searching kind. Eve caused the fall of +Adam--a daughter of Eve has discovered and crushed this heretofore hidden +mystery. This peculiarly _empty_ individual was discovered by the good +lady--despite the disguise of a black patch upon his nose and an +immeasurable outspread of Bandana superficially covering that (as he +asserted) useless orifice, his mouth--sneaking into the far-off premises +of a miscellaneous vendor of ready-dressed eatables; and there Bernard the +faster--the anti-nourishment and terrestrial food-defying wonder--the +certificated of Heaven knows how many deacons, parsons, physicians, and +fools--demanded the very moderate allowance for his breakfast of a +twopenny loaf, a sausage, and a quarter of a pound of ham _cut fat_: +that's the beauty of it--cut fat! The astonished witness of this singular +purchase rushed at once to the hotel: Cavanagh might contain the edibles, +she could not: the affair was blown; an investigation very properly +adjudicated upon the case; and three months' discipline at the tread-mill +is now the reward of this arch-impostor's merits. So far so good; but in +the name of common sense let some experienced practitioner in the art of +"cutting for the simples" be furnished with a correct list of the awful +asses he has cozened at "hood-man blind;" and pray Heaven they may each +and severally be operated on with all convenient speed! + + * * * * * + + +"SLUMBER, MY DARLING." + +During the vacation, the Judges' bench in each of the Courts at +Westminster Hall has been furnished with luxurious air-cushions, and +heated with the warm-air apparatus. Baron Parke declares that the Bench is +now really a snug berth,--and, during one of Sergeant Bompas's long +speeches, a most desirable place for taking + +[Illustration: A SOUND NAP.] + + * * * * * + + +A FAMILIAR EPISTLE + +FROM + +JOHN STUMP, ESQ., POET LAUREATE TO THE BOROUGH OF GRUB-CUM-GUZZLE, + +TO + +SIMON NIBB, ESQ., COMMON-COUNCIL-MAN OF THE SAID BOROUGH, + +_Setting forth a notable Plan for the better management of_ + +RAILWAY DIRECTORS. + + +DEAR SIMON, + + If I were a Parliament man, + I'd make a long speech, and I'd bring in a plan, + And prevail on the House to support a new clause + In the very first chapter of Criminal Laws! + But, to guard against getting too nervous or low + (For my speech you're aware would be then a no-go), + I'd attack, ere I went, some two bottles of Sherry, + And chaunt all the way Row di-dow di-down-derry![1] + Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm), + I'd clear out my throat and pronounce a loud "Hem!" + (So th' appearance of summer's preceded by swallows,) + Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:-- + "Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws" + (Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause) + Is such as demands our most serious attention, + And strong reprobation, and quick intervention." + (This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion, + Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.) + "Though the traitor's obligingly eased of his head-- + Though a Wilde[2] to the dark-frowning gallows is led-- + Tho' the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent hence + Beyond the blue wave, at his country's expense!-- + Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me + The state of the law in this '_Land of the free_'"-- + (Speak these words in a manner most zealous and fervid)-- + That there's no law for those who most richly deserve it! + Yes, Sir, 'tis a fact not less true than astounding-- + A fact--to the wise with instruction abounding, + That those who the face of the country destroy, + And hurl o'er the best scenes of Nature alloy-- + Who Earth's brightest portions cut through at a dash-- + Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash"-- + (I don't dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle + Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)-- + "Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature's dissectors, + Meet with no just reward--these same Railway Directors!" + I've not mentioned the "Laughters," the "Bravos," the "Hears," + "Agitations," "Sensations," and "Deafening Cheers," + Which of course would attend a speech _so_ patriotic, + So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic! + In this style I'd proceed, 'till I'd proved to the House + That these railways, in fact, were a national _chouse_, + And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her, + Would be--_to hang daily a Railway Director!_ + _Of course_ the Hon. Members could ne'er have a thought + Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught; + But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation } + A project so teeming with consideration, } + As a model of justice, a boon to the nation! } + Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man, + The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan! + But my rushlight is drooping--so trusting diurnally, + To hear your opinion--believe me eternally + (Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump) + Your obedient, + devoted, + admiring, + JOHN STUMP. + + [1] The exact tune of this interesting song it has not been in + our power to discover--it is, however, undoubtedly a truly + national melody. + + [2] After due inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the + individual here mentioned is _not_ H.M.'s late + Solicitor-General, but one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose + history _vide_ Jack Sheppard. + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS; + +OR, YOUNG JOKER'S BEST COMPANION. + + "All the world's a joke, and all the men and women merely + jokers."--_Shakspeare_. From the text of Joseph Miller. + + +Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict attention +of the reading public to the following brief prospectus of their +forthcoming work "On Jokes for all subjects." Messrs. GAG and GAMMON +pledge themselves to produce an article at present unmatched for +application and originality, upon such terms as must secure them the +patronage and lasting gratitude of their many admirers. Messrs. GAG and +GAMMON propose dividing their highly-seasoned and +warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal facetiae into the following +various heads, departments, or classes:-- + +General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to individuals' names, +expressive of peculiar colours. + +A very superior article on _Browns_--if required, bringing in said Browns +in Black and White. + +Embarrassed do., very humorous, with _Duns_; and a choice selection of +unique references to the copper coin of the realm. Worthy the attention of +young beginners, and very safe for small country towns, with one wit +possessed of a good horse-laugh for his own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.'s +jokes. + +Do. do. on _Greens_, very various: bring in _Sap_ superbly, and _Pea_ with +peculiar power; with a short cut to _Lettus (Lettuce)_, and Hanson's +Patent Safety,--a beautiful allusion to the "Cab-age." May be tried when +there is an attorney and young doctor, with a perfect certainty of +success. + +Do. do. do. On _Wiggins_; very pungent, suitable to the present political +position; offering a beautiful contrast of Wig-_ins_ and Wig-_outs_; +capable of great ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in +a half whisper in mixed society. + +Also some "Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces for all Joints." + +_Calves-head_.--Brings in fellow-feeling; family likeness; cannibalism; +"tete-a-tete"; while the brain sauce and tongue are never-failing. + +_Goose_.--Same as above, with allusions to the "sage;" two or three that +_stick in the gizzard_; and a beautiful work up with a "long liver." + +_Ducks_.--Very military: bring in _drill_; drumsticks; breastwork; and +pair of ducks for light clothing and summer wear. + +_Snipes_.--Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; "Toast be dear Woman." +Mercantile; run on banks. And infants; living on suction. + +_Herring_.--Capital for _bride_: _her-ring_; petticoats, flannel and +otherwise, _herring-boned_. Fat people; _bloaters_; &c. &c. &c. + +_Venison_.--Superior, for offering everybody some of your sauce. Sad +subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave eye (_gravy_). Wish +your friends might always give you such _a cut_. &c. &c. &c. + +_Port_.--Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; flies out of glass +because of the "bee's wing." Always happy to become a _porter_ on such +occasions; object to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a +bottle; comes from a good "cellar" and a good buyer, though no wish to be +a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful leading cues, and really +with two or three rehearsals the very best things ever done. + +_Sherry_.--"Do you sherry?" "Not just yet." "Rather unlucky, _white +whining_: like a bottle of port; but no objection to _share he_. Hope +never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done Brown." + +N.B.--After an election dinner, any of the above valued at a six weeks' +invitation from any voter under the influence of his third bottle; and +absolute reversion of the chair, when original chairman disappears under +table. + +_Champagne_.--Real pleasure (quite new--never thought of before)--must be +_Wright's_; nothing _left_ about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, +getting drunk with pheasant's eye. What gender's wine? _Why hen's_ +feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not quite compact. + +_Hock_.--Hic, hec, do. + +_Hugeous_.--Glass by all means (_very new_); never could decline it, &c. +&c. &c. + +_Dessert_.--Wish every one had it; join hands with _ladies' fingers_ and +bishops' thumbs: Prince Albert and Queen very choice "Windsor pairs;" +medlars; unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be +cracked; disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. &c. + +The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke manufactory +of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the powerful and prolific +steam-joke double-action press. They are all warranted of the very best +quality, and last date. + +Old jokes taken in exchange--of course allowing a liberal per-centage. + +Gentlemen's own materials made up in the most superior style, and at the +very shortest notice. + +Election squibs going off--a decided sacrifice of splendid talent. + +Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on hand. + +Laughs taught in six lessons. + +A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just completed. + +A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George Robins on the +1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by private contract. + +N.B.--Well worthy the attention of sporting and other punsters. + +Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled "How to Laugh, and what to +Laugh at." + +For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and +second-hand depot for gentlemen's left-off facetiae, Monmouth-street; and +at their West-end establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to +Mr. Catnach, Seven-dials. + + * * * * * + + +VERSES + +ON MISS CHAPLIN--AND + +THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL. + + Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad, + With lofty hexameters grapplin', + My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad, + For 'tis all about Ellena Chaplin! + + As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees + To inspire his romantical nap. Lin + Ne'er saw such a charming celestial Chinese + "Maid of Honour" as Ellena Chaplin. + + O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:-- + Thou hast an infallible trap lain-- + For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss; + As thou provest--with Ellena Chaplin. + + E'en the water wherein (in "Die Hexen am Rhein") + She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin- + Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch'd into wine, + When duck'd in by Ellena Chaplin. + + A fortunate blade will be he can persuade + This nymph to some church or some chap'l in,-- + And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid + Of the theatre--Ellena Chaplin! + + * * * * * + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready to turn a +penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of North American +Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the ensuing winter. In +pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at the Court of Chancery to +purchase the "530 suits, including 40 removed from the 'Equity Exchequer,' +which occupy the cause list for the present term." Upon the discovery of +his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on + +[Illustration: GOING TO BRIGHTEN.] + + * * * * * + + +NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS. + +ANNUALS. + + FORGET-ME-NOT Dedicated to the "Irish Pisantry." By + Mayor Dan O'Connell. + FRIENDSHIP'S OFFERING Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the _Times_. + THE BOOK OF BEAUTY Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz. + THE JUVENILE ANNUAL Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to + Prince Albert + +REPUBLICATIONS. + + ON NOSOLOGY By the Duke of Wellington and + Lord Brougham. + A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE By W. Gibson Craig, M.P. + COOPER'S DEAR-SLAYER By Lord Palmerston. + + * * * * * + + +DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS. + +Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by mysterious rumours +concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was said, had been discovered +at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed to enclose these costly gems being +solemnly opened, it was found to contain nothing but an antique pair of +false promises, set in copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; +and a bloodstone amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of +Wellington. The box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and +sealed with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being "_Requiscat in +Pace_." + + * * * * * + + +SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY. + +We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the Duke of +Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting to his Royal +Highness. + +The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John Key, Colonel +Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord Ashburton, and Sir E.L. +Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with his Royal Highness, who +received them in "full cry," and was graciously pleased to confer on our +Sir Peter extraordinary proofs of his royal condescension. The +distinguished party afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with +the nursery-maids. + +Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is not the +individual of that name who has been appointed monthly nurse in the +Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought to have entitled him +to a preference. + +The captain of the _Britannia_ states that he fell in with two large +whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. There is every reason to +believe they were coming up the Thames to offer their congratulations to +the future Prince of _Whales_. + + * * * * * + + +THE REWARD OF VIRTUE. + +We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the Freedom of +the Barber's Company, enclosed in a pewter shaving-box of the value of +fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a medallion of + +[Illustration: THE HARE A PARENT.] + + * * * * * + + +A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the customary honour +upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the birth of a male heir to +the throne, in consequence of the Prince being born on the day on which +the late Mayor went out and the present one came into office. Sir Peter +Laurie suggests that a petition be presented to the Queen, praying that +her Majesty may (in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward +dilemma) be pleased in future to + +[Illustration: MIND HER DATES.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +COURT AND CITY. + +The other evening, the public were put in possession, at Covent Garden +Theatre, of a new branch of art in play concoction, which may be called +"dramatic distillation." By this process the essence of two or more old +comedies is extracted; their characters and plots amalgamated; and the +whole "rectified" by the careful expunction of equivocal passages. +Finally, the _drame_ is offered to the public in _act_ive potions; five of +which are a dose. + +The forgotten plays put into the still on this occasion were "The +Discovery," by Mrs. Frances Sheridan, and "The Tender Husband," by Sir +Richard Steele. From one, that portion which relates to the "City," is +taken; the "Court" end of the piece belonging to the other. In fact, even +in their modern dress, they are two distinct dramas, only both are played +at once--a wholesome economy being thus exercised over time, actors, +scenery, and decorations: the only profusion required is in the article of +patience, of which the audience must be very liberal. + +The courtiers consist of _Lord Dangerfield_, who although, or--to speak in +a sense more strictly domestic--because, he has got a wife of his own, +falls in love with the young spouse of young _Lord Whiffle_; then there is +_Sir Paladin Scruple_, who, having owned to eighteen separate tender +declarations during fourteen years, dangles after _Mrs. Charmington_, an +enchanting widow, and _Louisa Dangerfield_, an insipid spinster, the +latter being in love with his son. + +The citizens consist of the _famille Bearbinder_, parents and daughter, +together with _Sir Hector Rumbush_ and a clownish son, who the former +insists shall marry the sentimental _Barbara Bearbinder_, but who, +accordingly, does no such thing. + +The dialogues of these two "sets" go on quite independent of each other, +action there is none, nor plot, nor, indeed, any progression of incident +whatever. _Lord Dangerfield_ tells you, in the first scene, he is trying +to seduce _Lady Whiffle_, and you know he won't get her. Directly you hear +that _Sir Paladin Scruple_ has declared in favour of _Miss Dangerfield_, +you are quite sure she will marry the son; in short, there is not the +glimmer of an incident throughout either department of the play which you +are not scrupulously prepared for--so that the least approach to +expectation is nipped in the bud. The whole fable is carefully developed +after all the characters have once made their introduction; hence, at +least three of the acts consist entirely of events you have been told are +going to happen, and of the fulfilment of intentions already expressed. + +One character our enumeration has omitted--that of _Mr. Winnington_, who +being a lawyer, stock and marriage broker, is the bosom friend and +confident of every character in the piece, and, consequently, is the only +person who has intercourse with the two sets of characters. This is a part +patched up to be the sticking plaster which holds the two plots +together---the flux that joins the _mettle_some _Captain Dangerfield_ (son +of the Lord) to the sentimental _citoyenne_ _Barbara Bearbinder_. In fact, +_Winnington_ is the author's go-between, by which he maketh the twain +comedies one--the Temple Bar of the play--for he joineth the "Court" with +the "City." + +So much for construction: now for detail. The legitimate object of comedy +is the truthful delineation of manners. In life, manners are displayed by +what people do, and by what they say. Comedy, therefore, ought to consist +of action and dialogue. ("Thank you," exclaims our reader, "for this +wonderful discovery!") Now we have seen that in "Court and City" there is +little action: hence it may be supposed that the brilliancy of the +dialogue it was that tempted the author to brush away the well-deserved +dust under which the "Discovery" and the "Tender Husband" have been +half-a-century imbedded. But this supposition would be entirely erroneous. +The courtiers and citizens themselves were but dull company: it was +chiefly the acting that kept the audience on the benches and out of their +beds. + +Without action or wit, what then renders the comedy endurable? It is this: +all the parts are individualities--they speak, each and every of them, +exactly such words, by which they give utterance to such thoughts, as are +characteristic of him or herself, each after his kind. In this respect the +"Court and City" presents as pure a delineation of manners as a play +without incident can do--a truer one, perhaps, than if it were studded +with brilliancies; for in private life neither the denizens of St. +James's, nor those of St. Botolph's, were ever celebrated for the +brilliancy of their wit. Nor are they at present; if we may judge from the +fact of Colonel Sibthorp being the representative of the one class, and +Sir Peter Laurie the oracle of the other. + +This nice adaptation of the dialogue to the various characters, therefore, +offers scope for good acting, and gets it. Mr. Farren, in _Sir Paladin +Scruple_, affords what tradition and social history assure us is a perfect +portraiture of an old gentleman of the last century;--more than that, of a +singular, peculiar old gentleman. And yet this excellent artist, in +portraying the peculiarities of the individual, still preserves the +general features of the class. The part itself is the most difficult in +nature to make tolerable on the stage, its leading characteristic being +wordiness. _Sir Paladin_, a gentleman (in the ultra strict sense of that +term) seventy years of age, is desirous of the character of _un homme de +bonnes fortunes_. Cold, precise, and pedantic, he tells the objects--not +of his flame--but of his declarations, that he is consumed with passion, +dying of despair, devoured with love--talking at the same time in +parenthetical apologies, nicely-balanced antitheses, and behaving himself +with the most frigid formality. His bow (that old-fashioned and elaborate +manual exercise called "making a leg") is in itself an epitome of the +manners and customs of the ancients. + +Madame Vestris and Mr. C. Matthews played _Lady_ and _Lord Whiffle_--two +also exceedingly difficult characters, but by these performers most +delicately handled. They are a very young, inexperienced (almost +childish), and quarrelsome couple. Frivolity so extreme as they were +required to represent demands the utmost nicety of colouring to rescue it +from silliness and inanity. But the actors kept their portraits well up to +a pleasing standard, and made them both quite _spirituels_ (more +French--that _Morning Post_ will be the ruin of us), as well as in a high +degree natural. + +All the rest of the players, being always and altogether actors, within +the most literal meaning of the word, were exactly the same in this comedy +as they are in any other. Mr. Diddear had in _Lord Dangerfield_ one of +those parts which is generally confided to gentlemen who deliver the +dialogue with one hand thrust into the bosom of the vest--the other +remaining at liberty, with which to saw the air, or to shake hands with a +friend. Mr. Harley played the part of Mr. Harley (called in the bills +_Humphrey Rumbush_) precisely in the same style as Mr. Harley ever did and +ever will, whatever dress he has worn or may wear. The rest of the people +we will not mention, not being anxious for a repetition of the unpleasant +fits of yawning which a too vivid recollection of their dulness might +re-produce. The only merit of "Court and City" being in the dialogue--the +only merit of that consisting of minute and subtle representations of +character, and these folks being utterly innocent of the smallest +perception of its meaning or intention--the draughts they drew upon the +patience of the audience were enormous, and but grudgingly met. But for +the acting of Farren and the managers, the whole thing would have been an +unendurable infliction. As it was, it afforded a capital illustration of + +[Illustration: ATTRACTION AND REPULSION.] + + * * * * * + +TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! + +The dramatic capabilities of "Ten Thousand a-Year," as manifested in the +vicissitudes that happen to the Yatton Borough (appropriately recorded by +Mr. Warren in _Blackwood's Magazine_), have been fairly put to the test by +a popular and _Peake_-ante play-wright. What a subject! With ten thousand +a-year a man may do anything. There is attraction in the very sound of the +words. It is well worth the penny one gives for a bill to con over those +rich, euphonious, delicious syllables--TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR! Why, the magic +letters express the concentrated essence of human felicity--the _summum +bonum_ of mortal bliss! + +_Charles Aubrey_, of Yatton, in the county of York, Esquire, possesses ten +thousand a-year in landed property, a lovely sister in yellow satin, a +wife who can sing, and two charming children, who dance the mazourka as +well as they do it at Almack's, or at Mr. Baron Nathan's. As is generally +the case with gentlemen of large fortunes, he is the repository of all the +cardinal virtues, and of all the talents. Good husbands, good fathers, +good brothers, and idolised landlords, are plenty enough; but a man who, +like _Aubrey_, is all these put together, is indeed a scarce article; the +more so, as he is also a profound scholar, and an honest statesman. In +short, though pretty well versed in the paragons of virtue that belong to +the drama, we find this _Charles Aubrey_ to be the veriest angel that ever +wore black trousers and pumps. + +The most exalted virtue of the stage is, in the long run, seen in good +circumstances, and _vice versa_; for, in this country, one of the chief +elements of crime is poverty. Hence the picture is reversed; we behold a +striking contrast--a scene antithetical. We are shown into a miserable +garret, and introduced to a vulgar, illiterate, cockneyfied, dirty, +dandified linendraper's shopman, in the person of _Tittlebat Titmouse_. In +the midst of his distresses his attention is directed to a "Next of Kin" +advertisement. It relates to him and to the Yatton property; and if you be +the least conversant with stage effect, you know what is coming: though +the author thinks he is leaving you in a state of agonising suspense by +closing the act. + +The next scene is the robing-room of the York Court-house; and the +curtains at the back are afterwards drawn aside to disclose a large +cupboard, meant to represent an assize-court. On one shelf of it is seated +a supposititious Judge, surrounded by some half-dozen pseudo female +spectators; the bottom shelf being occupied by counsel, attorney, crier of +the court, and plaintiff. The special jury are severally called in to +occupy the right-hand shelf; and when the cupboard is quite full, all the +forms of returning a verdict are gone through. This is for the plaintiff! +Mr. Aubrey is ruined; and _Mr. Titmouse_ jumps about, at the imminent risk +of breaking the cupboard to pieces, having already knocked down a counsel +or two, and rolled over his own attorney. + +This idea of dramatising proceedings at _nisi prius_ only shows the state +of destitution into which the promoters of stage excitement have fallen. +The Baileys, Old and New, have, from constant use, lost their charms; the +police officers were completely worn out by Tom and Jerry, Oliver Twist, +&c.; so that now, all the courts left to be "done" for the drama are the +Exchequer and Ecclesiastical, Secondaries and Summonsing, Petty Sessions +and Prerogative. But what is to happen when these are exhausted? The +answer is obvious:--Mr. Yates will turn his attention to the Church! +Depend upon it, we shall soon have the potent Paul Bedford, or the grave +and reverend Mr. John Saunders, in solemn sables, _converting_ the stage +into a Baptist meeting, and repentant supernumeraries with the real water! + +Hoping to be forgiven for this, perhaps misplaced, levity, we proceed to +Act III., in which we find that, fortune having shuffled the cards, and +the judge and jury cut them, _Mr. Titmouse_ turns up possessor of Yatton +and ten thousand a-year; while _Aubrey_, quite at the bottom of the pack, +is in a state of destitution. To show the depth of distress into which he +has fallen, a happy expedient is hit upon: he is described as turning his +attention and attainments to literature; and that the unfathomable straits +he is put to may be fully understood, he is made a reviewer! Thus the +highest degree of sympathy is excited towards him; for everybody knows +that no person would willingly resort to criticism (literary or dramatic) +as a means of livelihood, if he could command a broom and a crossing to +earn a penny by, or while there exists a Mendicity Society to get soup +from. + +We have yet to mention one character; and considering that he is the +main-spring of the whole matter, we cannot put it off any longer. _Mr. +Gammon_ is a lawyer--that is quite enough; we need not say more. You all +know that stage solicitors are more outrageous villains than even their +originals. _Mr. Gammon_ is, of course, a "fine speciment of the specious," +as Mr. Hood's Mr. Higgings says. It is he who, finding out a flaw in +_Aubrey's_ title, angled per advertisement for the heir, and caught a +_Tittlebat--Titmouse_. It is he who has so disinterestedly made that +gentleman's fortune.--"Only just merely for the sake of the costs?" one +naturally asks. Oh no; there is a stronger reason (with which, however, +reason has nothing to do)--love! _Mr. Gammon_ became desperately enamoured +of _Miss Aubrey_; but she was silly enough to prefer the heir to a +peerage, _Mr. Delamere. Mr. Gammon_ never forgave her, and so ruins her +brother. + +Having brought the whole family to a state in which he supposes they will +refuse nothing, _Gammon_ visits _Miss Aubrey_, and, in the most handsome +manner, offers her--notwithstanding the disparity in their +circumstances--his hand, heart, and fortune. More than that, he promises +to restore the estate of Yatton to its late possessor. To his astonishment +the lady rejects him; and, he showing what the bills call the "cloven +foot," _Miss Aubrey_ orders him to be shown out. Meantime, _Mr. Tittlebat +Titmouse_, having been returned M.P. for Yatton, has made a great noise in +house, not by his oratorical powers, but by his proficient imitations of +cock-crowing and donkey-braying. + +This being Act IV., it is quite clear that _Gammon's_ villany and +_Tittlebat's_ prosperity cannot last much longer. Both are ended in an +original manner. True to the principle with which the Adelphi commenced +its season--that of putting stage villany into comedy--Mr. Gammon +concludes the _facetiae_ with which his part abounds by a comic suicide! +All the details of this revolting operation are gone through amidst the +most ponderous levity; insomuch, that the audience had virtue enough to +hiss most lustily[3]. + + [3] While this page was passing through the press, we witnessed a + representation of "Ten Thousand a-Year" a second time, and + observed that the offensiveness of this scene was considerably + abated. Mr. Lyon deserves a word of praise for his acting in + that passage of the piece as it now stands. + +Thus the string of rascality by which the piece is held together being +cut, it naturally finishes by the reinstatement of Aubrey--together with a +view of Yatton in sunshine, a procession of charity children, mutual +embraces by all the characters, and a song by Mrs. Grattan. What becomes +of _Titmouse_ is not known, and did not seem to be much cared about. + +This piece is interesting, not because it is cleverly constructed (for it +is not), nor because _Mr. Titmouse_ dyes his hair green with a barber's +nostrum, nor on account of the cupboard court of _Nisi Prius_, nor of the +charity children, nor because Mr. Wieland, instead of playing the devil +himself, played _Mr. Snap_, one of his limbs--but because many of the +scenes are well-drawn pictures of life. The children's ball in the first +"epoch," for instance, was altogether excellently managed and _true_; and +though many of the characters are overcharged, yet we have seen people +like them in Chancery-lane, at Messrs. Swan and Edgar's, in country +houses, and elsewhere. The suicide incident is, however, a disgusting +drawback. + +The acting was also good, but too extravagantly so. Mr. Wright, as +_Titmouse_, thought perhaps that a Cockney dandy could not be caricatured, +and he consequently went desperate lengths, but threw in here and there a +touch of nature. Mr. Lyon was as energetic as ever in _Gammon_; Mrs. Yates +as lugubrious as is her wont in _Miss Aubrey_; Mrs. Grattan acted and +looked as if she were quite deserving of a man with ten thousand a year. +As to her singing, if her husband were in possession of twenty thousand +per annum, (would to the gods he were!) it could not have been more +charmingly tasteful. The pathetics of Wilkinson (as _Quirk_) in the +suicide scene, and just before the event, deserve the attention and +imitation of Macready. We hope the former comedian's next character will +be Ion, or, at least, Othello. He has now proved that smaller parts are +beneath his purely histrionic talents. + +Mr. Yates did not make a speech! This extraordinary omission set the house +in a buzz of conjectural wonderment till "The Maid of Honour" put a stop +to it. + +NOTE.--A critique on this piece would have appeared last week, if it had +pleased some of the people at the post-office (through which the MS. was +sent to the Editors) not to steal it. Perhaps they took it for something +valuable; and, perhaps, they were not mistaken. Thanks be to Mercury, we +have plenty of wit to spare, and can afford some of it to be stolen now +and then. Still we entreat Colonel Maberly (Editor of the "Post" in St. +Martin's-le-Grand) to supply his clerks with jokes enough to keep them +alive, that they may not be driven to steal other people's. The most +effectual way to preserve them in a state of jocular honesty would be for +him to present every person on the establishment with a copy of "Punch" +from week to week. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 27, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14938.txt or 14938.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14938/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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